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fd_The_Vampire_Diaries_06x17

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[PREVIOUSLY_ON] Woman: Who are you? Bonnie: Who are you? Damon: Oh, my God. That's my mother. Kai: There are only two prison worlds in existence, mine and the one created in 1903 for locking up your mom and her closet full of crazy pants. Damon: Tell me how to get her back! Kai: Your mom's a ripper! Enzo: Meet the real Sarah Salvatore. I'm going to make her do things she'd never dream of doing until she begs me to make her a vampire. Jo: I'm pregnant. Alaric: Marry me. Jo: Yes. Caroline: My mom is dead, and I just need the pain to be gone. Caroline: If anyone tries to flip my humanity switch back on, I'll become your worst nightmare. Stefan: I like you. Caroline: Stop. Stefan: Come back. Stefan: What the hell are you doing with Sarah? Caroline: I'm going to kill her. Aah! Caroline: If Stefan wants to save Sarah's life, all he has to do is shut his humanity off. Stefan: Just remember to bring me back. Elena: Stefan, don't you dare shut it off. [SCENE_BREAK] [ (SCULL BAR) ] (Caroline is cleaning up from her fight with Stefan the night before when Enzo walks in) Enzo: A hard knock life, isn't it? Caroline: Don't walk there. Ugh! (grabbing a mop) I just washed that. Enzo: My apologies, Cinderella. What are you doing? Caroline: Stefan and I had a moment. Things broke in the process, and now I'm returning the Scull Bar to the way we found it. Enzo: Uh, the whole point of flipping your humanity switch is that you don't care how you leave things. Caroline: (sighs) I go to school here, Enzo. I want to keep going to school here, and the second that I draw any suspicions -- break-ins, broken property, dead bodies -- people will try to interrupt my routine. Then I will end up rotting in a cell somewhere instead of what I should be doing, which is preparing for my audition tomorrow. Enzo: You, Caroline Forbes, vampire without humanity, auditioning for the school play? Caroline: Musical. And obviously, duh. I'm a drama major. And what are you doing here? Enzo: Find my Phone led me here, though it didn't explain why your stick little fingers needed it last night. Caroline: Because you're the only one with Sarah Salvatore's phone number. Enzo: Why'd you need Sarah's number? Caroline: To use her life as leverage to convince Stefan to shut his humanity switch off too. Enzo: (concerned) That's both clever and deeply unsettling. Tell me she's still alive. Caroline: She's alive, assuming she survived any infections resulting from Liam's amateur surgery. Enzo: (realizing his revenge plan won't work) Which means Stefan's humanity's a thing of the past. Caroline: Like I said, I will stop at nothing to maintain my routine, so I suggest that you stay away. Now if you don't mind, (hands Enzo the mop) I need to prepare for my audition. (Caroline leaves and Enzo turn around, contemplating a solution.) [SCENE_BREAK] [ (SALVATORE BOARDING HOUSE) ] (Damon is sitting in the living room. A motorcycle engine is heard and Stefan opens the door and walks in.) Damon: How was the rave? Stefan: Oh, you know, loud, lame, rave-like. Damon: Anything I should know or anything you'd like to talk about bro to bro? Stefan: Where do we keep our weapons? Damon: Pardon? (gets up) Stefan: Crossbows, Vervain grenades, all that hunter crap Jeremy was into? Ah! Yes! The throne. (Stefan walks over to a chair and opens a hidden compartment full of weapons. He packs some weapons into a bag. Damon vamps over to Stefan and tries to inject him with vervain, but Stefan catches his hand.) Stefan: Elena told on me. Shocker. Damon: Not a good time for a humanity flip, brother. (Stefan breaks his hand and he drops the vervain syringe) Stefan: Do yourself a favor. Stay out of my way today. (Stefan leaves and closes the door as Damon snaps his hand back into place. Damon hears Stefan drove off on his motorcycle throws a vase to the ground in frustration.) [SCENE_BREAK] [ (WHITMORE MEDICAL CENETER) ] (Sarah is lying in a hospital bed and Jo is tending to her.) Jo: Whoa, easy. Sarah: Where am I? Jo: You're at Whitmore Medical Center. I'm Dr. Laughlin. Sarah: Last night... Jo: You had a little too much to drink. A professor found you passed out on the quad. Sarah: I sort of remember that. It was like a spring break kickoff rave. (Jo nods and she starts to get up) I should get home. Jo: Actually, I need you to sit tight. We need to look after you for a while. You lost a lot of fluids last night. Okay? (Sarah reluctantly lies back down and Jo leaves the room as Sarah checks her arm) (Jo is outside Sarah's room talking to Alaric.) Jo: For the record, I am not okay with turning my hospital into a supernatural holding cell. Alaric: Okay, look. It's the first day of spring break. The campus is like a ghost town. Besides, we need to keep her out of harm's way until Elena's blood is out of her system. Unless, of course, you want to invite another Salvatore vampire to our wedding. Jo: I'm starting to think eloping is the way to go. Alaric: Heh, yeah. Yeah, me too. (they kiss) Look, she's been compelled to forget last night. And soon, she'll be back at Duke, safe with no idea what happened and no one the wiser. Jo: Huh, Duke. That's not bad. It's a little obnoxious but kind of in a cute way, you know? Little Duke. Alaric: Whoa. Wait. We're thinking baby names? Jo: You haven't been? Alaric: No. I have! No. I have. I totally have. Jo: Name one. Alaric: (tries to think) Josette Jr. Jo: Get out of here. (she kisses him) I have rounds. (they walk in opposite directions) [SCENE_BREAK] [ (SALVATORE BOARDING HOUSE) ] (Elena walks in to Damon striking furniture with a poker.) Elena: Damon. What are you doing? Damon: Looking for a... healthy outlet for my rage. (knocks down a lamp, shocking Elena) I haven't found it yet. Stefan without his humanity is one artery away from Stefan the ripper, and every day that goes by is one year of guilt waiting for him on the other side. Elena: Yeah. Well, not to add to our growing pile of bad news, but we didn't just lose Stefan. We lost our chance to spark Caroline's humanity. Turns out he was her emotional trigger. (Damon offers her the poker) No thanks. Damon: Well, take it away from me. Because I'm seconds away from using it on this. (grabs the video camera that Bonnie brought back from the prison world) Elena: (takes the poker and sets it down) Who is that? Damon: This... (shows Elena the camera) is Lillian Salvatore. Elena: Your mother is alive? (takes the camera for a closer look) Damon: Yep. Turns out she's been in a prison world snapshot of 1903 for over a century. Elena: Your mother is alive. Damon: Oh, yeah. Alive and well. Not in the pine box that I thought I buried her in in 1858. And apparently, she's a vampire and not just any kind of vampire either- Elena: Damon, your mother is alive! Damon: She's a ripper, Elena. Makes perfect sense. Stefan was always such a mama's boy. Elena: How much of a mama's boy? Damon: He would have hanged himself with mother's apron strings if it meant her approval. We both would. We loved her. She was our world. (Elena smiles at him) Damon: What? No. No way. Elena: This is our way to get Stefan back! You can't tell me that his mother isn't an emotional trigger. Damon: Elena, this woman killed so many people that an entire coven of witches built her a permanent timeout! You don't fix one ripper problem by unleashing another ripper. Elena: Think about it. If this works, we don't just get Stefan and Caroline back. We get your mother back. Aren't you even a little curious to see her? Damon: I might know a few witches that could help. [SCENE_BREAK] [ WHITMORE COLLEGE - DORM ROOM ] (Damon is standing at the door of the room) Bonnie: I'm not helping you. (Tries to shut the door on his face but Damon puts his leg in between.) Damon: Ow. Bonnie: I hate Kai, and you know that, and the first thing you did when I got back was throw him in my face to fake apologize. Damon: Yeah, and then I real apologized for being a dick. Bonnie: And here you are less than 24 hours later asking me to work with him. Damon: Bonnie, we need Kai to get to 1903, and we need Bennett blood to do the damn spell. Listen. We go in, we grab my mom, she flips Stefan's switch, he triggers Caroline, emotional dominoes, heyyyy! Everybody wins. Bonnie: If I give you my blood, will you just get out of my face? Damon: Probably... although I think you're gonna want to join us. Stick with me, Bonnie Bennett. I might just have the answer to all your prayers. [SCENE_BREAK] [ COFFEE HOUSE ] Kai: You want the 1903 Ascendant. Well, sure. Just let me reach in my pocket and pull it out. Bonnie: If you're sincerely looking for a way to make up for the hell that you put me through, this is it. Kai: OK. The problem is the Gemini kept the existence of the 1903 prison world a secret for generations, so find the key to that particular jail cell, I'd have to navigate ancient texts, undo layers of magical cloaking spells, and... Wait. (reaches into his pockets and pulls out the Ascendant) Oh, that's weird. Ha ha! It was in my pocket. When Damon told me about mama Salvatore, I started looking, and if I wanted to, (Bonnie reaches for the Ascendant, but Kai pulls his hand back) .. I could get her out. Newly minted leader of the Gemini coven and all, I don't even need a celestial event to zap us there. (sets the Ascendant on the table) Bonnie: OK. So what's the catch? Kai: I'll go if you go. Come on. It could be fun, you know, 1903, the... the Gilded Age. Didn't you ever dream about time travel? Bonnie: I would rather die of cholera than spend an afternoon with you. Kai: You're way more likely to die at the hands of your gal pal Caroline. I bet it will be over something stupid like she stops doing laundry, and you make some snippy comment, and she snips off your tongue. I'm mean, if only there were some way to reunite her with her humanity. (Bonnie is contemplating her decision) [SCENE_BREAK] [ WHITMORE AUDITORIUM ] (Caroline is auditioning in front of the director, who is taking notes) Caroline: maybe there's somewhere a lesson to learn but that wouldn't change the fact that wouldn't speed the time once the foundation's cracked and I'm still hurting (wipes a tear and turns off the music) Hello? Pretty sure I crushed that. Heh heh. (The director's head falls off and Stefan is sitting behind him. He slow claps as Caroline shields her eyes from the light to see who it is.) Stefan: Moving. Truly. Although it did lack a certain, um, authenticity. Caroline: What the hell are you doing? That was the director! Stefan: And you are a vampire without humanity, singing about heartbreak. Caroline: It's a performance, Stefan. Stefan: (as he speaks, he gets up and walks down the stairs towards the stage) It sure is, Caroline, especially this carefully crafted good student routine, straight and narrow, anything to keep you from making a mistake you might regret one year from now when you flip your switch back on. Oh, except the whole ruining my life part. Caroline: Well, if your humanity's off, then you shouldn't really care how I deal. Stefan: No, no, no. See, that's where you're wrong because like you, I'm prone to doing bad things when my humanity is off, but unlike you, I don't have an elaborate system to keep me in check. Caroline: Well that's not my problem. Stefan: Well, I'm making it your problem. If my life is gonna fall apart when my humanity starts flooding back, then so is yours. When I'm done with you, you'll be drowning in mistakes. Caroline: (walks toward Stefan) This is seriously about revenge? Stefan: Yes, it is, and this... (holds up his hands, which are covered in blood) .. this is a control freak's worst nightmare. This is me undoing your routine. This is me... (Stefan wipes blood onto Caroline's lips, causing her face to vamp out) .. forcing you to let go one day at a time until you break. (he leaves the auditorium) [SCENE_BREAK] [ SALVATORE BOARDING HOUSE ] (Bonnie and Kai are dressed in attire for colder climate as Bonnie is cutting her palm with a large knife to draw blood for the spell to travel to 1903.) Kai: Damn. Crocodile Dundee called. He wants his knife back. Bonnie: Yeah. You know, he's no longer a thing, and neither is that joke. (Damon walks in wearing a coat) Kai: Ouch. (Bonnie sheaths the knife and drips blood on the Ascendant. Elena walks in wearing a coat.) Elena: Is this presentable attire by 1903 standards? Damon: Whoa. Who said you're coming? Elena: To meet the woman who gave birth to the two epic loves of my life? Heh. Me. Kai: Powerful as I am, there's a limit to how many people one witch can transport with this spell. Bonnie: Which is why there's two of us. Shall we? Damon: Fine. Let's go get mama. (Everyone joins hands.) Kai: Sangiema meam et nos mundo carcerema. Sangiema meam et nos mundo carcerema. (Everyone is transported to the 1903 prison world without the Ascendant.) [SCENE_BREAK] [ 1903 PRISON WORLD ] (Damon, Elena, Bonnie, and Kai are outdoors in a snowy Mystic Falls.) Damon: Well, isn't this a picturesque slice of hell? Bonnie: You guys go ahead. Kai and I will start the locator spell on the Ascendant. Elena: But Kai just had the Ascendant. Why do we have to find another one? Kai: The Ascendant can't travel between worlds, which means we gotta find its mirror image here in 1903. Damon: (sarcastically, as he zips up his jacket) Page 10 on the world-jumping rulebook. Shall we? (walks off) Elena: I don't want to leave you alone with him. Bonnie: I'll be fine. (Kai is catching snow on his tongue) He's good now, remember? New leaf. (she goes to join Damon) Kai: New leaf? You believe me. Bonnie: Hell no, but Damon and Elena need to meet his mom alone. So shut up and let's find the Ascendant. (holds up her hand) [SCENE_BREAK] [ WHITMORE ] (Stefan is walking over to his motorcycle. He takes his helmet and gets on, but it falls apart. He looks in confusion and Caroline walks out.) Caroline: Oh, shoot. Is your bike OK? (Stefan gets off) Do you need money for the bus? Stefan: Seriously? Caroline: I just had to stuff the director's body into a furnace. Do you know how hard it was to get an audition during spring break? Stefan: Oh, come on. It was easy for you, Caroline. All you had to do was shed some tears about your mom's funeral, play the cancer card, and - boom - your precious routine is back on track. (gets down to put his bike back together) Am I wrong? Caroline: This is your only warning. Go away. Stefan: Neat, organized Caroline. Staying within the lines. Good at control, terrible at revenge. Caroline: I dismantled your bike. Stefan: I tore your director's head off with my teeth. Oh, my God. Caroline, literally just unbolt this damn thing? I mean, it's gonna take me, what, 10 minutes to put this back together? You are an embarrassment to humanity-free vampires everywhere. (Caroline walks over to punch a hole in the gas tank and walks away.) [SCENE_BREAK] [ RIC'S OFFICE ] (Alaric is trying to come up with baby names, writing down a list when his phone rings. It's Jo.) Alaric: OK. So I've got a few. You ready? Jo: Actually, I thought about it, and anyone named Alaric should not be allowed to name another human. Alaric: Uh, I didn't name me. Jo: True. OK. You can have veto power. Alaric: Good. Well, then I veto Duke. Jo: Ha ha! (Enzo knocks and comes in.) Alaric: Uh, let me call you right back. (hangs up) What are you doing here? Enzo: Really hoping you got enough vervain to get blondie and her cohort from here to the Salvatore cellar without further drama. Alaric: You do realize I'm a human, right? Up against two vampires without remorse? Enzo: Ah. I see. Your girl has got a bun in the oven, and now you've gone all gun-shy. Vamp hearing. Alaric: You know, I'd actually like my child to grow up with a father. Enzo: Granted, a cowardly father. Probably play catch and run from the ball or go fishing an flee from the fish. Alaric: I have weapons in my apartment. [SCENE_BREAK] [ 1903 PRISON WORLD, SALVATORE ESTATE ] (Elena and Damon have made it to the old Salvatore Estate, where Elena is marveling at the old-fashioned lamps and furniture. Damon doesn't look very pleased to be there) Elena: Can we just take a second to acknowledge how insane it is that we're standing in the house that you grew up in? (Elena finds a tin-type photo of one of the brothers from when they were young children on the mantle and coos happily) Awww, Damon! (She picks up the photograph and examines it before showing it to Damon) You were so adorable! Damon: Aww, thanks! (He looks at the photo and grimaces) Except... that's Stefan. (He sees another photo on the mantle of himself as a child with his mother and grabs it) This is me. (He pauses for a moment and stares at it before handing it over to Elena) We're not here to socialize. We get the Ascendant, we find my mother, and after she flips Stefan's switch, we figure out what the hell we're going to do with her. Elena: (continues looking at the baby photo of Damon) Aw, you can give her another chance? Damon: (snoops through the desk) Chance to what? Disarray another literal boatload of people? Elena: Stefan was a Ripper. You never gave up on him. Damon: And where was Lily from 1858 to 1903? She was blood-binge-ing through Europe while Stefan and I carried the loss. (Elena looks at him sympathetically) Not exactly maternal, Elena. Far as I'm concerned, my mother died when we buried her empty coffin. What we're looking for is just a tool to get my brother back. (Elena opens her mouth to say something, but before she can, a female voice calls out behind them, and Elena gapes in surprise. It's Lily, who was apparently gathering firewood outside, and she is shocked to see Damon) Lily: (shocked) Damon? Damon: (overwhelmed) Hello, mother. (After the break, Lily has started a fire in the fireplace, where she is boiling a kettle of water to make tea. Elena and Damon are both sitting on the couch) Lily: There was a time I marked days on a calendar. (She joins them at the coffee table and pours them each a cup of tea before sitting across from them) I gave up after a few years, but, judging by your bizarre attire... Elena: You've been in here for over a century... Damon: (sarcastically) Yeah, I would have come by sooner, but I thought you were safe and sound in the family crypt. (He smiles fakely) My bad. Lily: (smiles guiltily) Technically, I did die in 1858, after a nurse in the TB ward fed me vampire blood. Damon: And you never thought to stop by and clear things up? (Lily looks at him awkwardly before returning the kettle to the fire. Elena, sensing the tension, decides to change the subject) Elena: How did you end up here, Mrs. Salvatore? (Damon looks at her incredulously) Damon: (whispers) Mrs. Salvatore? Elena: (whispers back) I don't know what to call her. Lily: (chuckles) Please, call me Lily. (She sits down across from them again) It was October 31st, 1903. (She dips a tea bag into each of their cups. Next to the cups is a sealed jar of blood and a small dropper) I had just arrived in New York Harbor. The night sky was alive with this beautiful shimmering light. And, out of nowhere, a coven of witches attacked. When I woke, they were gone. Everyone was gone. (She chuckles nervously) That night, the sky danced with colors again, and it's done so every night since. (She hands Damon and Elena each a tea cup) Damon: It's called "prison." You must have pissed off a lot of people. (Elena gives Damon a hard look, as though to say, "Be nice!") Lily: (smiles) That life seems like forever ago. (Damon picks up the dropper next to the jar of blood and examines it) Damon: You on a diet? Lily: I depleted every slaughterhouse within walking distance, and every butcher's shop along the hellish trek from New York to Mystic Falls. (She picks up the jar of blood and shows it to them) This is the last of the blood here, heh. Two drops a week, just to stay awake. Elena: That sounds miserable. Lily: (smiles) I manage. (She looks at Damon) I heard you and your brother turned during the war. Damon: Mmhmm. Lily: (sips her tea) Your father must have been horrified. Damon: He was! And then, Stefan ripped his throat out. (Lily giggles so hard she accidentally spits out her tea, and then looks a little embarrassed. Damon smiles at her) Lily: I apologize - that's cruel to laugh - but... good for Stefan. (Damon nods at her) I truly hated that man. Damon: Oh, I know you did. So much so that you left your kids with him, faked your own death, and then went out to join the Ripper Coalition. (Elena gives Damon another stern look) Lily: (smiles tightly) Well, it's nice to see that you've grown into yourself, Damon. (Damon smiles back, but Lily's smile falls quickly) How's your brother? (Damon opens his mouth to speak, but can't find the words) [SCENE_BREAK] [ WHITMORE COLLEGE, DORMS ] (Caroline is in her dorm's study room, working on homework, when she suddenly hears a noise nearby) Caroline: Hello? Is anyone there? (She hears another clanging noise and finally gets up to see what is going on. It's Stefan, who is messing around with a soda machine in the hallway) Caroline: Damnit, Stefan! What do you want? Stefan: (pretends to grab a soda can) Uh, I brought you a little peace-offering. I figured with all that singing, and furnace-stuffing, you must be parched. (He pulls the pin from a vervain-grenade and throws it at her. She doesn't realize what it is quickly enough to move out of the way, and is instead thrown backward with the force of the explosion. She falls flat on the ground as shattered glass rains down on her and the skin on her face and hands sizzles from the vervain. Stefan walks toward her and grabs a piece of wood from the stairway railing to use as a stake before he straddles her on the ground and flips her over) Stefan: Now, see, this is how a vampire with no humanity is supposed to act! I am inflicting actual pain! Caroline: (groans) Leave me alone! Stefan: Why? You thinking about giving in? Letting go? Breaking your code? Caroline: Stefan, stop! Stefan: Come on, Caroline! Just let go! I promise it'll feel good. Caroline: I am not going to let you ruin my life. Stefan: Okay! Then I'll end it. (Stefan raises the stake and is about to kill her with it when Caroline vamps-out, bites his wrist, and uses his distraction to flip him over and stake him in the stomach with it) Stefan: (shouts in pain) Ahh! Ahhh! [SCENE_BREAK] [ 1903 PRISON WORLD, THE WOODS ] (Bonnie and Kai are in the woods near a shed, where they're casting a locator spell for the Ascendant. Kai drips blood from his index finger onto the palm of her hand to do the spell) Kai: You have really nice palms. (Bonnie gives him a confused look, and Kai smiles at her. She rolls her eyes and gets back to the task at hand) Bonnie: Phesmatos tribum, nas ex veras, sequitas sanguinum. Phesmatos tribum, nas ex viras, sequitas sanguinum. Kai: (blurts out) Do you know why I'm here? (Bonnie ignores him and continues chanting) Kai: Because my guilt keeps me up at night. (Bonnie continues to ignore him, and Kai sighs) I don't-I don't expect you to believe me. But I need you to give me one more chance. (Bonnie keeps chanting, and Kai becomes so frustrated he roughly grabs Bonnie's wrists and shakes her) Kai: Bonnie! LISTEN TO ME! (Bonnie grimaces in pain and looks up at him, fearful and angry and also not surprised by this reaction. Kai looks as though he can't believe what he just did and quickly lets go of her) Kai: (guilty) Sorry, I... Oh my God, I didn't... I didn't mean to do that... Bonnie: (cuts him off) But you did it anyway. Because even if you're telling the truth, the old you is still inside of you. (She glares at him) The Ascendant is this way. (Bonnie walks past him, and Kai sighs before following after her) [SCENE_BREAK] [ 1903 PRISON WORLD, SALVATORE ESTATE ] (Lily, Damon, and Elena are still talking in the parlor) Lily: (confused) And, you believe I can reconnect Stefan with his humanity? Elena: The last memory Stefan has of you is a vision of an angel telling him "Everything is going to be okay." (Lily looks touched by this story and smiles) Damon: So, you're gonna be an angel again. He doesn't need to how how screwed-up you really are. (Lily's smile falls, and she and Damon stare at each other for a moment) Lily: Of course I'll help! I'd love nothing more than to see him again. Damon: (smacks the table and stands up) Pack your bags. Lily: (stands up as well) Wonderful! (She laughs in excitement) I'll alert the others, hmm? (Elena and Damon dead in their tracks and stare at her in confusion) Damon: You'll alert who, now? Lily: You knew so much about me, I assumed you'd heard of my traveling companions? Damon: (uneasy) What traveling companions? (Lily, holding a lit lamp in her hands, leads Elena and Damon up to the attic, where they find six more vampires, all desiccated to the point of immobilization, sitting around a table) Lily: Everyone, meet my son Damon. He's here to take us home. (Elena and Damon are both horrified at the sight of Lily's den of vampires and look at each other in concern) [SCENE_BREAK] [ WHITMORE COLLEGE, DORMS ] (Enzo and Alaric have just arrived to the dorm, where Enzo, holding a crossbow, leads them inside. Alaric is holding a stake-shooting rifle, and cocks it as he follows behind Enzo) Enzo: There you are! Definite role-model material. Alaric: (incredulously) Damon really spent five years in a cell with you without killing himself? Enzo: Oh, a fellow smart-ass. I see why you were his drinking buddy. Oh, you're gonna have to knock-off the hard stuff while you're breastfeeding, mate. Alaric: (annoyed) You know, what are you even doing here? I thought you hated Stefan. Enzo: Yeah, I do. In fact, I have a whole elaborate revenge-scheme against him. But, unfortunately, in order to truly hurt someone, they have to care. Alaric: So, you want Stefan's humanity back just to remind him how much you two hate each other? Enzo: (shrugs) A game's more fun with two players. Alaric: You know, last night, an innocent girl had an involuntary splenectomy because you brought her into your life. (Enzo sighs and rolls his eyes) Now, if this is your idea of fun? You need to take a long look in the mirror, pal. Enzo: And what? Reevaluate my flippant disregard for human life? Alaric: (smirks) Nah, just your deep, obvious loneliness. Enzo: (impressed) Oh, got me there! Yeah, I'm just a sad nobody, up to no good, while you're at home ticking off your life milestones. (He starts counting on his fingers as he speaks) Girl, kid, death. Heh. (His voice becomes bitter) Sounds lovely. (Alaric just shrugs and turns back around to go farther into the dorm building. Elsewhere in the dorm, Caroline is dragging Stefan's unconscious body through the hall, the stake still buried in his stomach. After a moment, a girl in a field hockey uniform and carrying a field hockey stick comes into the building and sees Caroline) Girl: What are you doing? (Caroline freezes in place for a moment before turning around and dropping Stefan's arm on the floor) Caroline: (annoyed) What are you doing? It's called "spring break." Girl: It's called practice. (She notices that Stefan has a piece of wood in his stomach and becomes alarmed) Is he okay? Caroline: (sighs in annoyance and walks toward the girl) He's fine. (Suddenly, Stefan wakes up, pulls the stake out of his abdomen, and throws it at the girl. It embeds itself into the girl's stomach, and Stefan looks almost bored as he stands up and walks toward them) Caroline: (frustrated) Nice going, you jackass! (Caroline pulls the stake out of the girl's stomach and bites her wrist to feed her her blood) Stefan: Second lesson in losing control: No... Saving... Strangers. (Stefan's face vamps-out and he zoops over to Caroline to pull her away from the girl drinking her blood, but Caroline anticipates it and hits him upside the head with the stake, knocking him onto the floor. Caroline forces the girl to look her in the eyes so she can compel her) Caroline: (compels her) Go to your room. I'll deal with you later. (As the girl runs away, Caroline addresses Stefan) So, to summarize, "letting go" means being an idiot, increasing your chances of getting caught, and worst of all, actively making choices... (Stefan suddenly cuts her off by vamp-speeding over to her and shoving her against the wall. He covers her mouth with his hand and puts a finger to his lips) Stefan: Shhh. Shhh. (He looks down the hall, where Enzo and Alaric are following the trail of blood and shattered glass into the next room. Enzo has his crossbow raised and is about to check another room when Alaric sees another vervain grenade rolling down the steps. Alarmed, Alaric turns toward Enzo) Alaric: Uhhh, Enzo? (Enzo turns and sees the grenade as well) Enzo: (sighs) Bollocks. (Enzo grabs Alaric by the collar and vamp-speeds them away just as the grenade explodes, just barely missing being hit by it) [SCENE_BREAK] [ 1903 PRISON WORLD, SALVATORE ESTATE ] (Lily is in the middle of playing a record on the gramophone player in the attic while Elena and Damon both continue to stare in horror and confusion at Lily's companions) Elena: These vampires have been trapped here with you? The whole time? Lily: We went everywhere together. They happened to be on the boat that night, poor souls. Damon: (in disbelief) These... poor souls... don't happen to have the same affinity for rolling heads, do they? Lily: On the contrary, these people saved me from that part of myself. I was banished here because I was a monster. I drank with no remorse from whatever human I could sink my teeth into. But, locked in this cage, I was forced to confront the animal I had become. (She affectionately straightens up the handkerchief in one of her male friends' pockets) And, as we ran out of resources, my friends sacrificed their rations for me. And, I knew if I drank everything, as every bone in my body demanded, there wouldn't be enough to wake them. So, I learned to control my bloodlust, for them. These people made me feel human again. (Damon gives her a suspicious look, but Lily seems to be oblivious) Lily: I'll fetch the rest of the blood so we can revive them. (Lily leaves, and Elena and Damon give each other overwhelmed looks. Elena starts to wander around the room, and the desiccated vampire at the end of the row stares at them both with bloodshot eyes. Elena holds up a finger and waves it back and forth as she watches the man's eyes follow it) Damon: Not only is she a Ripper... (He lowers his voice to a whisper) .. she's an insane Ripper! Elena: Or, maybe she feels responsible for them? Damon: (continues to whisper) What, are you kidding me? Vampire dollhouse? (Elena notices the Ascendant is laying on a nearby dresser, and her eyes widen in shock as she picks it up) Elena: Damon! Isn't this the Ascendant? Damon: (nods awkwardly) Yeah. Elena: (opens the Ascendant) Why isn't Bonnie here? Damon: (sighs and speaks quietly) Because Bonnie isn't looking for the Ascendant, Elena. (Elena looks at him in confusion) [SCENE_BREAK] [ 1903 PRISON WORLD, THE WOODS ] (Bonnie is leading Kai through the woods, pretending as though they're searching for the Ascendant) Bonnie: The spell feels stronger. The Ascendant must be around here somewhere. Kai: (confused) Why would the Ascendant be here? Bonnie: I don't know, I didn't put it here. Kai: If you don't think I'm capable of change, why spend an entire day with me? Why bring me out into the middle of nowhere? (Bonnie looks uncomfortable, and doesn't turn around to face him) I could gut you all over again. Your friends would never even hear you scream. Bonnie: (sighs and finally turns to face him) Because maybe you're right. Maybe, deep down, there's a part of me that believes there's a sliver of good in you. Kai: (laughs) And, you'd be right! (He continues to laugh and walks past her) Looking, looking, and... nope, they didn't hide the Ascendant in a random pile of... (Kai gasps all of a sudden as he's stabbed in the back with Bonnie's huge knife from earlier. He falls on the ground, gasping in pain as he tries to crawl away from her, but Bonnie just grabs him and stabs him again in his hamstring) Kai: Bonnie! (Bonnie flips him over and straddles him so he can't move, and for once, Kai looks truly afraid of her) Kai: (panting) What are you doing? Bonnie: Gaining your trust, and then stabbing you in the back? Feels pretty sucky, doesn't it? Kai: (pleads) Please, don't. Bonnie: (angrily) Don't what? Don't-don't leave you here? All alone? Drive you to the point of wanting to end your own life? (She completely loses her temper and shouts at the top of her lungs) I almost killed myself because of you! Kai: (terrified) Please, please, believe me! I've changed! Bonnie: (holding the knife up above him) I know. I know. (She grits her teeth) So have I. (She goes to stab him again, but all of a sudden, Kai casts a cloaking spell on himself, and the knife instead goes right into the ground. Confused, Bonnie looks around for Kai, who can't be found) [SCENE_BREAK] [ WHITMORE COLLEGE, DORMS ] (Caroline has just found Enzo and Alaric unconscious on the floor, with Enzo laying face-first on top of Alaric's body. Caroline shoves Enzo off of him, and he falls lifelessly to the floor beside him. She stands when she sees Stefan approaching them) Caroline: At least they're still breathing. Stefan: Aw, Damon must be up to something really good if he sent the B-team. (He picks up another broken piece of wood off of the floor and waves it in the air) What do you say we send them a little message? (Caroline picks up Alaric's stake-shooting gun and aims it at Stefan) Stefan: Stopping you from leaving the cleaning staff two dead bodies. Not to mention, killing Elena's former guardian and your brother's best friend. Did you like being locked up and tortured to get your humanity back? Stefan: (laughs patronizingly) It must be so exhausting, over-thinking everything. (He walks toward her) Denying your own urge to kill. (He pushes his chest right up against the end of the stake-shooting rifle) Just be done with them. Caroline: (cocks her gun and glares at him) Back. Away. Stefan: (sighs in disappointment) Fine. If that's what you want. (He flips the stake he's holding onto the floor and leaves the room. Caroline, looking confused and a little disappointed herself, drops the gun and chases after him) Caroline: ...Hey! (Stefan kicks the door to the field hockey girl's room, where she is sitting on her bed, still clutching her stomach wound and looking scared to see him. Caroline follows him, looking exasperated) Caroline: Where are you going? (Stefan pulls the girl to her feet by the arm and grips her shoulders tightly as he shoves her toward Caroline) Stefan: You think I don't know everything about you? I taught you how to control your bloodlust, remember? (Stefan flips the girl around so she's facing him and compels her) Stay still, and don't scream. Caroline: (unamused) What are you doing? Stefan: The thing that you keep resisting. (Caroline watches, partly in horror, and partly in jealousy, as Stefan vamps-out and bites into her neck, feeding deeply on her blood. Stefan looks up at Caroline as he feeds, clearly enjoying the fact that she seems so tempted, and after a moment, he pulls away, blood dripping down his face, and smiles at her) Caroline: If you're trying to tempt me, it's not working. Stefan: I don't have to try. Deep down, you and I are exactly the same, Caroline. Come on, you can break routine for a second, right? (He spins the girl, who is swaying on the feet, around so she's facing Caroline. His hand is holding the girl's head to the side so her throat is bared to her, and he smiles cutely at her) She has a really pretty neck. (Caroline looks even more tempted as Stefan bites into the other side of her neck and feeds on the girl. He pulls away again and looks up at Caroline with a dazed expression, and after a moment, Caroline's face vamps-out before she speeds over to him and begins feeding on her as well. Stefan backs away and watches in pleasure as Caroline drinks her blood, and when she's finished, she throws the girl onto the floor and lunges for Stefan and begins making out with him passionately. She vamp-speeds him against a wall as they make out, and she starts pulling off Stefan's jacket. Stefan takes the lead and shoves her against the soda machine and takes off her jacket as well as she starts to unbutton his jeans, and once she's done, he lifts her up and puts her legs around his waist) [SCENE_BREAK] [ 1903 PRISON WORLD, SALVATORE ESTATE ] (It's night time now, and the Aurora Borealis is lighting up the sky outside. Lily has put on her jacket, and she picks up her jar of blood just as Elena and Damon return downstairs to grab their coats) Damon: Your vampire-menagerie is going to have to take the next train out. We're down a witch. Lily: (in disbelief) You want to leave them behind? No, Damon, you can't save me without saving them. Damon: We'll come back for them. Promise. Let's go. Elena: Damon, look outside! Is that the Aurora Borealis? (Just then, Bonnie returns to the house and joins them) Bonnie: Also known as our ticket out of here. (She looks at Elena) You got it? Elena: Yeah! (She pulls the Ascendant out of her pocket and hands it to Bonnie) Bonnie: (takes the Ascendant) Okay. Damon: (notices Lily has vanished) You gotta be kidding me! (He looks at the girls, clearly frustrated, and sighs) Go. Start the damn spell. I'll go get her. (Upstairs in the attic, Lily is dripping blood from the jar into the first vampire's mouth to wake him up) Lily: Time to wake up! (Damon vamp-speeds over to Lily and shoves her against the wall, and she's so shocked by it that she accidentally drops the jar of blood, which shatters all over the floor) Lily: No! Damon: I said, they're not coming. Lily: What have you done? Damon: We'll see them after the reunion. Let's go. Lily: You don't understand, Damon. I will not leave them! Damon: Too bad. (He grabs her arm to drag her downstairs, but she pulls away) Lily: They're my family! (Damon looks at her, extremely hurt by these words) These people are my family. Damon: (looks around for a moment) These freaks may be your family, but Stefan Salvatore is mine, and if you don't want to help him, I will leave you here to rot! (Lily looks torn) Do you understand me? (Outside, Bonnie is cutting her hand and dripping her blood over the Ascendant as she starts the spell) Bonnie: (chanting) Sangiema meam et nos mundo carcerema. Sangiema meam et nos mundo carcerema. (After a moment, Damon and Lily come out hand-in-hand) Elena: Damon! (Elena, Damon, and Lily all hold onto Bonnie, who is now holding the Ascendant. A few meters away, Kai is stumbling toward them, still injured from being stabbed by Bonnie earlier, and spots them leaving him behind, but is unable to make it any farther) Kai: (shouts) Bonnie! (Bonnie sees him, but continues doing the spell anyway. Kai looks distraught as Bonnie smirks at his just as they are sucked back into the real world. Kai is absolutely stunned that they left her behind and falls onto the ground in horror, half-laughing and half-crying at his current predicament) [SCENE_BREAK] [ WHITMORE MEDICAL CENTER ] (Sarah is still in her hospital room, flicking through her phone, when Enzo comes in to see her) Enzo: Nice neglig e! Sarah: (laughs) Enzo. Hey. Um, did I call you last night? I have a text from you to meet up, but I don't remember ever seeing you. Enzo: Look, Sarah... It was a mistake bringing you into my life. Sarah: (confused) Then, why did you? Enzo: (chuckles) Call it deep and obvious loneliness. (He sighs) Look, the truth is, you've been a pawn in a game that I've now lost interest in playing. But, you're no ordinary girl, Sarah Salvatore. You deserve better. Sarah: (puzzled) Sarah... Salvatore? Why would you call me that? (Enzo smiles a tiny smile, as though he did said it on purpose) (In another room, Jo is checking Alaric out for injuries by looking at his eyes with a pen light. His face is slightly scratched up from the vervain grenade) Jo: Oh, boy. This is bad. Alaric: (rubs his eyes) What? Jo: (seriously) I'm marrying an idiot. (She roughly smacks him in the shoulder, and Alaric groans in pain) You could died today! Alaric: As opposed to any other day? Jo: Eighteen years. That's how long I need you to be alive. Help me raise this baby. Then we can send him or her into the world, and you can run around with guns, and vampires, and be an idiot. (Her voice becomes quiet) Okay? Alaric: (smiles) Fine. [SCENE_BREAK] [ SALVATORE BOARDING HOUSE ] (Lily is in one of the spare bedrooms of the boarding house, where she is sitting at the desk, staring at the computer's screensaver that slightly resembles the Aurora Borealis. After a moment, Damon comes in with fresh sheets and sets them on the bed for her) Damon: (about the computer) Whole world runs on those things. The sooner you learn 'em, the better. Lily: Maybe you could teach me? Damon: (makes the bed) That's more Stefan's thing. But, he can give you a tutorial after you mother him back to sanity. Lily: (walks toward Damon) Stefan was right. The night of my funeral, an angel did visit him: me. (Damon looks at her in surprise) I had just turned, and... I wanted to see my boys. But, when I leaned down to whisper into Stefan's ear, the hunger surged. All I could hear was the pulse in his veins, all I could smell was the blood. So, I fled. For your sake. And, no matter how deeply you felt my absence, it is half as deep as I felt yours. Damon: (nods in understanding) Good to know. (He pauses for a moment) I'll let you get some sleep. (He turns to leave until Lily stops him) Lily: Damon? Damon: (sighs) Yes? Lily: As much as I am looking forward to us getting to know each other again, I fear that I can't truly be myself until we retrieve the ones that I've left behind. Damon: Oh. Lily: When will we be going back? Damon: Soon, but don't worry, your prison world's not going anywhere. [SCENE_BREAK] [ 1903 PRISON WORLD, SALVATORE BOARDING HOUSE ] (Kai has made it into the boarding house, and is limping upstairs to the attic with a lit lamp in his hands) Kai: (panting) Where do they keep their food? (Kai turns to look around the other side of the room, and ends up bumping right into the desiccated vampire that Lily tried to wake up before they left) Kai: (startled) Oh, crap! (Once Kai gets over his initial fright, he looks closer at the three men and three women sitting frozen at the table. He then makes the mistake of leaning close to the partially-awakened vampire at the end of the table and chuckles) Who the hell are... AHHHHH! (The vampire cuts him off by grabbing Kai in a choke-hold, which causes Kai to scream even more and drop the lamp onto the ground) [SCENE_BREAK] [ SALVATORE BOARDING HOUSE ] (Elena is in the kitchen, looking at the photograph of Damon that she took from the 1903 prison world, when Damon comes in to join her) Damon: You better check the inventory of the blood cooler before Lily wakes up. Elena: (smiles and turns to face him) You have her eyes. (Damon is surprised to see the photo, and takes it out of her hands to examine it again) Damon: You brought that back? Elena: (takes the photo back) It's the only baby picture of my boyfriend in existence! Of course I brought it back. Damon: (snatches the photo again) Give me that! Elena: I liked seeing that side of you today. Damon: (gives her a look) Disappointed and disillusioned? You see that every day. Elena: (puts her arms around Damon's neck and plays with his hair) A mother's son. Damon: She's just a means to get Stefan back. Elena: Look, I know that she's not the woman that you remember, but... give her some time! Damon: You're lucky you're so adorable, because your eternal optimism is super annoying. (Elena giggles, which makes Damon laugh too) Elena: Well, I happen to know from experience that it's never a waste of time to look for the good in someone. Damon: This woman left her kids to go be the den mother to a family of vampires. I think we're going to be looking for quite a while. Elena: Well, then it's a good thing we have forever! (She smiles as she kisses him, and the two begin to make out passionately) [SCENE_BREAK] [ WHITMORE COLLEGE, DORM ROOM ] (Caroline and Stefan are both naked and laying under a sheet on the floor in front of the fireplace after having s*x, and they are still making out with Stefan on top of her. He starts kissing her neck, and Caroline sighs) Caroline: Ahhh. That wasn't terrible. Stefan: See? Control is overrated. Caroline: I don't even remember how we got back to my room. (She peeks under the sheet and realizes she's still naked) Where's my shirt? Stefan: It's... next to the girl we left bleeding out in the hallway. (He smiles at her, and the two giggle at each other before Caroline hums and crawls on top of Stefan so she can kiss him more. ) Caroline: You're right. Your way is much more fun. (The two begin making out again) [SCENE_BREAK] [ SALVATORE BOARDING HOUSE ] (Elena and Damon are still making out as well, and Damon lifts her up so she's sitting on the counter with Damon's body between her legs. He start kissing her neck, and the two become so consumed in their hook-up that they don't even notice Bonnie standing in the doorway watching them. Damon spots her out of the corner of his eye eventually, but keeps kissing Elena for a moment more) Damon: Oh hey, Bon-Bon. (Elena realizes that Bonnie is there and gets embarrassed, but Damon continues leaning against Elena's neck) Bonnie: (sheepishly) Sorry. Awkward timing. Elena: No, no, no, no, it's fine. I, um, I actually have to go check in on Ric to see how things are going with Stefan and Caroline, so... (Elena gives Damon one last kiss before she leaves Bonnie and Damon to talk. Damon smirks at Bonnie) Damon: This better be good. Bonnie: I just wanted to thank you for helping me find closure today. (Damon suddenly becomes aware of Lily's presence and turns on the faucet to drown out the sound of their voices) Damon: (points upstairs) You know there's a crazy-lady up there who wants to open that prison world up more than anything, right? Bonnie: (whispering) We're never going back there, right? Damon: No! We're not! Bonnie: (turns off the faucet) Good. Because I have something for you. A gift from 1994. I was gonna give it to you yesterday, but then you acted like an ass and you didn't deserve it. Damon: (sighs) Well, I... (His voice trails off as Bonnie opens up her bag and pulls out a familiar-looking brown wooden box. He walks toward her and looks shocked) Damon: That's not what I think it is... is it? Bonnie: If it wasn't for your notes on the map of Nova Scotia, I would have never remembered there was magic on that island. There's a good chance that I wouldn't be here today. So, for my 1994 road trip, I got you a li'l something. (Damon hesitantly takes the box from her and opens it, revealing that the mirror version of the cure for immortality from Silas' tomb is in it, just as he suspected) Damon: The cure. The cure to vampirism. Bonnie: (smiles) I knew you were planning on getting it yourself, you had the whole route mapped down to the kilometer. Damon: (closes the box) Why are you giving me this? Bonnie: Because my mom's surprisingly happy as a vampire, and because I have full faith that we'll get Caroline back to normal the old-fashioned way. But mostly, because I knew you wanted it for Elena. Damon: (stunned) What if I don't want it for her now? Bonnie: That's none of my business. I'm just finishing what you started. You can give it to her, or not. (She places her hand on top of Damon's affectionately) It's up to you. (She turns and walks out the door, leaving Damon conflicted about what to do) [ END ]

After the previous night, Sarah is being kept in the hospital. Alaric and Jo contemplate baby names. Jo tells Alaric to be a father for 18 years and then he can run around killing vampires. Meanwhile, Kai and Bonnie take Damon and Elena to the 1903 prison world to get the Salvatore's mother. Bonnie says she will find the ascendant but ends up hurting Kai so he can feel the pain she felt. When they are about to go back to real time, Kai gets left behind because Bonnie wants him to feel loneliness. With both of their humanities off, Caroline and Stefan feed on a girl and afterwards have sex. After Bonnie interrupts Damon and Elena's make out session, she forgives him and gives him the Cure to Vampirism.

fd_Merlin_01x08

fd_Merlin_01x08_0

108 - The Beginning Of The End. "In a land of myth and a time of magic, the destiny of a great kingdom rests on the shoulders of a young boy. His name: Merlin." Camelot - Lower Town - Market Mordred walks through the market with his father, Cerdan. CERDAN: Do you have my supplies ready? We must leave the city without delay. STALLHOLDER: Everything you asked for, it's all here. I'm sorry. Guards approach. Mordred and his father duck under the merchant's table to run through the market. GUARD: Seize him! Stop there! Mordred and Cerdan are forced to run into the palace grounds. A guard jumps at them and slashes Mordred. Merlin hears Mordred's telepathic scream. CERDAN: *spell* The spell throws the guard into the rampart wall. Mordred can't run far, so he and his father are stuck on the drawbridge. CERDAN: Abannan t . The spell shuts the drawbridge gates. CERDAN: Run! Run, run! Mordred runs through the gates before they close. Cerdan allows himself to be caught. Castle - Central Corridor Merlin walks down the corridor. MORDRED (telepathy): Help! Merlin stops to look for the owner of the voice. Merlin enters the Square. MORDRED (telepathy): Help me! Please. Merlin stops to look around again and sees Mordred sitting by a stone ledge, looking at him. MORDRED (telepathy): Please. You have to help me. Merlin realises the boy is using telepathy. MORDRED (telepathy): Help me. Merlin sees the guards enter the Square. GUARD: Search in there. Take the other side. You, did you see a boy run in here? MORDRED (telepathy): They're searching for me. MERLIN (telepathy): Why are they after you? MORDRED (telepathy): They're going to kill me. GUARD: Guards! In here! Merlin runs to a side door, looks at the guards, and then nods to Mordred. MERLIN (telepathy): This way. Run. Run! Mordred runs to Merlin, holding his wounded arm. GUARD: Hey. There he is! Alert the rest of the guards! Merlin grabs Mordred's hand and they run up the Griffin Stairway. GUARD: In there. Quick, down there. We've got 'im. Merlin and Mordred run up the curved stairs. Morgana's Chambers Merlin bursts in with Mordred. MORGANA: Have you forgotten how to knock, Merlin?! MERLIN: The guards are after him. I didn't know what to do. GUARD (knocks): My Lady? (knocks) My Lady? MORGANA: In there. Morgana waits until Merlin and Mordred are behind the curtain to open the door. GUARD: I'm sorry to disturb you, My Lady. Mordred collapses into Merlin's arms. GUARD: We're searching for a young Druid boy. We believe he came this way. MORGANA: I haven't seen anyone. It's just me and my maid. GUARD: Best keep the door locked till we find him. MORGANA: Of course. Thank you. Morgana closes the door and runs to check on Mordred. Merlin's hand is covered in Mordred's blood. Castle - Council Chamber Of Doom ARTHUR: The Druid was only in Camelot to collect supplies. He meant no harm. Is it necessary to execute him? UTHER: Absolutely necessary. Those who use magic cannot be tolerated. ARTHUR: The Druids are a peaceful people. UTHER: Given the chance, they would return magic to the kingdom. They preach peace, but conspire against me. We cannot appear weak. ARTHUR: Showing mercy can be a sign of strength. UTHER: Our enemies will not see it that way. We have a responsibility to protect this kingdom. Executing the Druid will send out a clear message. Find the boy. Search every inch of the city. Morgana's Chambers Mordred lies awake. Morgana and Merlin watch the Square below as Cerdan is waiting to be executed. Uther and Arthur stand on the balcony. UTHER: People of Camelot, the man before you is guilty of using enchantments and magic. Under our law, the sentence for this crime is death. We're still searching for his accomplice. Anyone found harbouring the boy is guilty of conspiracy, and will be executed as a traitor. Let this serve as a warning to your people. CERDAN: You have let your fear of magic turn to hate. I pity you. MORGANA: I can't watch this. Morgana leaves the window and sits down on the floor, cradling Mordred. Uther signals for Cerdan to be executed. MORDRED (telepathy): No! Morgana's mirror breaks. Gaius's Chambers MERLIN: Do you know much about the Druids? GAIUS: Very little. They're very secretive people. Especially now they're being hunted by Uther. Merlin, please tell me you haven't got yourself mixed up in this. MERLIN: Me? No. Mixed up in what? GAIUS: For someone with such a big secret, you are a terrible liar. MERLIN: Well, I haven't done anything. GAIUS: Merlin... MERLIN: I heard the boy calling out. He was nowhere to be seen, but I could hear him... like he was inside my mind. GAIUS: Yes, I've heard of this ability. The Druids look for children with such gifts to serve as apprentices. While they're searching for this boy, you must be especially careful otherwise it'll be your head on the chopping block. MERLIN: I'm always careful. You know me. GAIUS: Yes, Merlin, unfortunately I do. Camelot - Lower Town Merlin sees the guards poking their pole arms through a hay cart. Morgana's Chambers MERLIN: How is he? MORGANA: He's sleeping. He's very pale. I worry he may have lost a lot of blood. MERLIN: Has he said anything at all? MORGANA: Nothing. He won't even tell me his name. MERLIN: You know, er, for a moment there earlier, I- I thought you were going to hand us over to the guards. MORGANA: I'm glad you have so much faith in me, Merlin. MERLIN: No, no, sorry. Erm, I meant, you're the King's ward. You're taking a huge risk helping the boy. MORGANA: I wouldn't see an innocent child executed. What harm has he ever done anyone? MERLIN: Uther believes he has magic, and that makes him guilty. MORGANA: Uther's wrong. MERLIN: You believe that? MORGANA: What if magic isn't something you choose? What if it chooses you? Why are you looking at me like that? MERLIN: Nothing. MORGANA: Why are you helping him? MERLIN: It was a spur of the moment decision. What do you think we should do with him? He can't stay here. MORGANA: We have to find a way to get him back to his people. Castle - Council Chamber Of Doom Morgana dining with Uther. UTHER: You seem troubled, Morgana. Is something wrong? MORGANA: No, My Lord. I'm sorry I'm not better company. UTHER: I'm merely concerned for your welfare, that's all. MORGANA: Thank you, My Lord. All is well. Arthur enters. UTHER: What news of the hunt for the Druid boy? ARTHUR: We have conducted an extensive search. The boy is nowhere to be found. UTHER: You mean you failed to find him? ARTHUR: Perhaps he's already left the city. UTHER: You're telling me that a wounded boy is able to evade the guards and escape the city? Nonsense, someone's hiding him. I want him found. ARTHUR: He's just a boy. What harm can he do? UTHER: He is a Druid, and that makes him dangerous. MORGANA: The Druids would see your father's kingdom destroyed. ARTHUR: I had no idea you were such an authority on Druids. UTHER: Morgana is right. Double your efforts. ARTHUR: Yes, father. UTHER: Keep searching until you find him. Morgana's Chambers Merlin checks on Mordred. MERLIN: He's burning up. How long has he been like this? MORGANA: Since early this morning. I think his wound may be infected. We need Gaius before it gets any worse. MERLIN: No. We can't involve Gaius. It's too dangerous. Besides, if he finds out about this, he'll execute me himself. MORGANA: We need to get him out of Camelot, and we can't do that while he's sick. We need a physician. MERLIN: I'll treat him. MORGANA: Merlin, do you know how to treat an infected wound? MERLIN: Not exactly, but I'm a fast learner. Footsteps and knocking at the door. Morgana closes the curtain and goes to open the door. MORGANA: Arthur! To what do I owe this pleasure? ARTHUR: Don't get all excited. It's not a social call. I'm looking for the Druid boy. I'm afraid I'm going to have to search your chambers. MORGANA: You're not searching my chambers. ARTHUR: Don't take it personally. I have to search the entire castle. Only take a few minutes. MORGANA: I'm not having you mess up my things. ARTHUR: I'm not interested in your things, I'm just looking for any evidence that the Druid boy's in the castle. Merlin peeks through the curtain and sees Mordred's boots sitting out in plain sight. MORGANA: Perhaps the Druid boy's hiding in your chambers. They're usually such a mess, you'd never know. ARTHUR: It's hardly my fault I have such a lazy idiot for a servant. MERLIN (whisper): Bestepe 'sc s. The boots tiptoe towards Merlin. MORGANA: If you can't even find your own servant, what hope do you have of finding the boy? MERLIN (whisper): Gest lle sc s. The boots hide behind a column. ARTHUR: Really, I'm touched by the confidence you have in my abilities. And, as much as I'd love to stay and talk, the sooner we get started, the sooner we'll be finished. MERLIN (whisper): st re sc s. The boots tiptoe to Merlin behind the curtain. MORGANA: Well, I'll save you the trouble. ARTHUR: Trust me, if I could find him, I would. MORGANA: The Druid boy's hiding behind the screen. I'm sure your father would love to know how you wasted your time by rifling through my things. Go on. ARTHUR: So you can have the satisfaction of making me look a fool? MORGANA: In my experience, you don't need any help looking like a fool. What are you waiting for? Take a look. ARTHUR: Why don't you go back to brushing your hair, or whatever it is that you do all day? MORGANA: Bye, Arthur. Good luck with the search! Gaius's Chambers Merlin is searching through books. MERLIN: Bites, bruises, burns, wounds... Infections... Merlin grabs a few bottles and some herbs. GAIUS: Ah, there you are. I need you to pick some heather for me. MERLIN: Er, can I do it later? I was just going out. GAIUS: Who set this book out? MERLIN: It was me. I was doing some reading. GAIUS: Oh? I'd given up hoping you might take more of an interest in my work. MERLIN: No. It's fascinating. GAIUS: Merlin, you are riddle wrapped up in a mystery. MERLIN: That's me. I was just getting some cleaning supplies. Arthur's been complaining about the state of his chambers. GAIUS: I think Arthur's chambers can wait. I'm not missing the chance to begin your education. MERLIN: Really. I should go. GAIUS: Sit! We'll start with some basic anatomy... Gaius pulls out a giant volume. Morgana's Chambers Morgana opens the door for Merlin to enter. MORGANA: What took you so long? MERLIN: Sorry. Once Gaius gets talking about anatomy, there's no stopping him. Merlin begins treating Mordred. MORGANA: Are you sure you know what you're doing? MERLIN: I'm doing my best. MORGANA: I'll get you some more water. MORDRED (telepathy): Thank you, Emrys. MERLIN (telepathy): Emrys? Why do you call me that? MORDRED (telepathy): Among my people, that is your name. MERLIN (telepathy): You know who I am. How? MERLIN: Speak to me. MORGANA: I don't know if he can't speak, or... he's just too scared to. Dragon's Cave Merlin sees the guards continuing to search the castle as he goes down the Tunnel Corridor to the Dragon's Cave. MERLIN: Hello? The dragon climbs around a corner and roars. Merlin sighs. MERLIN: Do you have to do that? You scared the life out of me. KILGHARRAH: The young warlock. No doubt you're here about the Druid boy. MERLIN: How did you know? KILGHARRAH: Like you, I hear him speak. MERLIN: Why does he call me Emrys? KILGHARRAH: Because that is your name. MERLIN: I'm pretty sure my name's Merlin, always has been. KILGHARRAH: You have many names. MERLIN: Do I? How does the boy know who I am? I've never even met any Druids. KILGHARRAH: There is much written about you that you have yet to read. You should not protect this boy. MERLIN: Why? He has magic. He's just like me. KILGHARRAH: You and the boy are as different as day and night. MERLIN: What do you mean? KILGHARRAH: Heed my words, Merlin. MERLIN: Why should I not protect him? The dragon flies off. Morgana's Chambers Morgana tends the feverish Mordred. GWEN: Let me care for him for a while. You need to sleep. You'll make yourself sick if you go on like this. MORGANA: His fever's getting worse. MORDRED (telepathy): Morgana. MORGANA: Did you hear that? GWEN: What? MORGANA: He said my name. GWEN: Did he? I didn't hear anything. A knock on the door. MERLIN: It's Merlin. Gwen opens the door. MERLIN: How is he? MORGANA: He's getting weaker. Whatever you did yesterday, it hasn't worked. We have to ask Gaius for his help. After all you've done, you can't give up now! Please! If he doesn't receive treatment, he'll die! MERLIN: OK. Gaius's Chambers GAIUS: The search for this Druid boy is becoming a real nuisance. With all the extra security around the castle, it's taking me twice as long to do my round. Is that everything? MERLIN: Morgana's hiding the Druid boy in her chambers. GAIUS: When you say that Morgana's hiding the Druid boy, I take that means that you're helping her? MERLIN: Sort of. GAIUS: Merlin, you promised me that you wouldn't get involved. MERLIN: I know. I'm sorry. I had no choice. GAIUS: Every guard in Camelot is searching for this boy, and you're harbouring him under their very noses. Can't you see how dangerous that is? What were you thinking of? MERLIN: Was I supposed to hand him over to the guards to be executed? GAIUS: You think you can save this boy? What happens if you're caught? Who's going to save you? MERLIN: You're saying it's wrong to harbour a young magician? GAIUS: The difference is, Merlin, that your magic is still secret. Though it's a wonder how, considering how careless you are. MERLIN: The boy's hurt. He's really sick. I've tried to treat him. We need your help. GAIUS: So, now you want me to risk my neck, too? I wish the boy no harm, but it's too dangerous. MERLIN: But if you don't, we may as well hand him over to the guards, because he'll die anyway. You didn't turn your back on me. Please don't turn your back on him. Morgana's Chambers Gaius examines Mordred. GAIUS: I will treat the boy, but as soon as he's well, you must get him out of Camelot. And woe betide anyone caught helping him. Well, one thing we know for certain. MERLIN: What's that? GAIUS: You're no physician. Camelot - Lower Town - Market Morgana, Merlin, and Gwen watch the guards. GUARD: Halt there. The guards stop a man pulling a cart out through the gate. GWEN: The guards are searching everyone leaving the town. MERLIN: There is another way out. There's a secret door in the armoury. It leads to the lower town. I'll take the boy out that way. MORGANA: No. It's too dangerous. I'll do it. MERLIN: But I--I'm good with secret doors and things. MORGANA: If you are caught, Uther will execute you. The boy's my responsibility. I'll smuggle him out of the castle. MERLIN: Well, you'll need a key for the door. MORGANA: Who has it? MERLIN: Arthur. Arthur's Chambers Arthur dines on soup. MERLIN: Inbringe, cume mec. The spell floats the keys off of Arthur's belt. ARTHUR: Is there any bread? The keys jangle as Merlin floats them behind Arthur's head as he turns. ARTHUR: What was that? MERLIN: What? ARTHUR: There was a sound. MERLIN: Was there? Merlin continues floating the keys behind Arthur's head as he stands up to search for the sound. ARTHUR: What is that? Can't you hear it?! MERLIN: I can't hear anything. ARTHUR: Are you deaf? It's like a...jangling sound. Arthur walks towards Merlin. MERLIN: There! Merlin points behind Arthur. ARTHUR: What? MERLIN: I thought I saw something. Arthur moves to where Merlin pointed. Merlin drops the keys into the soup. ARTHUR: What was that? MERLIN: What was what? ARTHUR: A different sound, like a...like a splash. Merlin picks up some bread from the table. MERLIN: Bread? Arthur leaves, checking his hearing on the way out. Merlin grabs the keys from the soup. Morgana's Chambers Morgana dresses in Gwen's clothes. MORGANA: It'll have to do. Morgana sighs. MORGANA: I feel I've put you in danger without ever stopping to ask how you feel about it. I'm sorry. GWEN: I know how it feels to face the threat of execution. And I wouldn't wish that on anyone. Knocking. MERLIN: It's Merlin. Gwen goes to open the door. Morgana goes to Mordred. MORGANA: We're going to get you out of Camelot. I won't let anything bad happen to you. I promise. MERLIN: Are you ready? Morgana nods. MORGANA: Did you get the keys? MERLIN: Yeah. Er, the door is behind the shield at the far end of the armoury. GWEN: I'll pack you some food and water for the journey. Be careful. Castle Guards march through the Griffin Landing as Morgana peeks over the edge of the curved stairs and descends with Mordred. A serving girl sees them sneaking off through the corridor at the bottom of the Spiral Stairway. They sneak out through the door behind the shield in the armoury. Gwen's House Gwen prepares some travel supplies. GWEN: I hope they're OK. Morgana really cares about the boy. I've never seen her this way with anyone. MERLIN: I'm sure she just wants to protect him. GWEN: Hmm. Castle - Armoury Arthur walks through the armoury with a guard. GUARD: A servant saw someone entering. They had a boy with them. Arthur sees the revealed door and checks his key ring, but the key is missing. ARTHUR: Sound the warning bell. Gwen's House Merlin looks out the window as the warning bells sound. MERLIN: They're coming. Morgana and Mordred enter. GWEN: There's enough food for three days. MERLIN: Your horse is fed and watered. I'll take you to it. MORGANA: No. There's no point in all of us risking our lives. MERLIN: What about you? MORGANA: I'm the King's ward. I'll take my chances. GWEN: Morgana! MORGANA: I couldn't live with myself if anything happened to either of you. We must go. MORDRED (telepathy): Goodbye, Emrys. Camelot - Lower Town Morgana and Mordred try to run, but Arthur and the guards approach through their exit. Morgana and Mordred hide in a nearby building. Arthur enters. ARTHUR: Fan out. Morgana and Mordred make a break for it, but they run across a guard and Arthur blocks the other ide of the path. Arthur draws his sword and places it at Morgana's back. ARTHUR: Halt, or I'll run you through. Show yourself. Morgana turns around. Arthur is shocked. MORGANA: Let him go. I beg you. He's just a child. Arthur debates, looking at the guards around him. ARTHUR: Restrain them. Castle - Council Chamber Of Doom UTHER: All this time, you've been hiding the boy in my own palace. How could you betray me like this? MORGANA: I would not see him executed. UTHER: I've treated you like a daughter. Is this how you repay me? MORGANA: I did what I thought was right. UTHER: You think it's right to conspire with my enemies against me? MORGANA: How can this child be your enemy? He's just a boy. UTHER: He is a Druid. MORGANA: Is that such a crime? UTHER: His kind would see me dead and this kingdom returned to anarchy and you would help them. MORGANA: Then punish me... but spare the boy. I beg you. UTHER: Make arrangements for the boy to be executed tomorrow morning. MORGANA: No! Please. He's done nothing. UTHER: Let this be a lesson to you. MORGANA: You don't have to do this. UTHER: Do you hear me? I want him executed at dawn. ARTHUR: Yes, Father. MORGANA: What have these people done to you? Why are you so full of hate? Morgana marches towards Uther and grabs his arm. Uther grabs her throat and presses her against a chair back. UTHER: Enough! I will not hear another word! Do not speak to me until you are ready to apologise for what you've done. Uther leaves, Arthur follows him. [SCENE_BREAK] Morgana's Chambers MORGANA: I promised that I wouldn't let anything bad happen. MERLIN: You can't blame yourself. You tried your best. MORGANA: It's not enough. MERLIN: He's in jail now. There's nothing more we can do. MORGANA: I will not let him die. Can I count on your help? Merlin nods. MORGANA: Thank you. Castle - Courtyard Corridor Arthur follows Uther down the corridor. ARTHUR: Perhaps imprisonment is a more suitable punishment for the boy. I mean, he's so young. UTHER: It would allow him to grow more powerful, more dangerous, until he strikes against us. ARTHUR: We don't know he's gonna strike against us. He's yet to do anything. UTHER: It is enough that his people conspire to overthrow me. This is harsh, but necessary. I take no pleasure in killing the boy. ARTHUR: Well, then spare him for Morgana's sake. She's clearly grown attached to the boy, and if you execute him I fear she will never forgive you. Uther stops and rounds on Arthur. UTHER: I do not seek her forgiveness! She has betrayed me! ARTHUR: Yet you're sparing her. UTHER: She has the promise I made her father to thank for that. The boy enjoys no such privilege. He will be executed at dawn. Is that clear? Arthur's Chambers Arthur enters. Morgana is waiting for him. ARTHUR: Make yourself at home. MORGANA: You can't let your father execute the boy. ARTHUR: You're lucky he's not executing you. Are you telling me he really was behind the screen when I came to search your chambers? Morgana nods. MORGANA: I know you believe your father's wrong to execute him. ARTHUR: What I believe doesn't matter. My father's made up his mind. He won't be talked out of it. I tried. MORGANA: Then the time for talking is over. ARTHUR: Whatever you're thinking, it's not going to happen. MORGANA: We have to get the boy back to his people. ARTHUR: No. Forget it. MORGANA: I can't believe you'd let an innocent child die! ARTHUR: It's too late. He's been caught. I have no choice. MORGANA: And is this how you will rule when you are King? You're not like your father. ARTHUR: I will not betray him. MORGANA: If I know you at all, you won't stand by and let this happen. Please. If you won't do this for the boy, then do it for me. Castle - Main Square Merlin watches the executioner sharpen his axe. Arthur's Chambers Merlin enters. Morgana and Arthur look at him. MERLIN: Sorry. Was I interrupting something? ARTHUR: Nothing you need concern yourself with. Go make yourself useful, muck out my horses. MORGANA: I trust Merlin. Arthur motions for Merlin to enter. ARTHUR: We're going to break the Druid boy out of the dungeons. MERLIN: You can't do that. MORGANA: We have to. Uther's going to execute him at dawn. MERLIN: I mean... it's too dangerous. You've already been caught once, and if the King catches you a second time he'll never forgive you. MORGANA: I'm not worried for myself. ARTHUR: Merlin's right. When my father finds out the boy's escaped, he will suspect you being involved. MERLIN: It's suicide. ARTHUR: You must go to my father and apologise. Dine with him, he cannot hold you responsible if you're with him when the boy escapes. MORGANA: You need me if the plan's to work. You can't do this on your own. ARTHUR: Merlin will take your place. MERLIN: Me? ARTHUR: I'm going to take the boy out through the burial vaults. There's a tunnel that leads beyond the city walls. Get my horse from the stables and meet me there. There's a grate that covers the entrance to the tunnel. Bring a rope and a grappling hook to pull it off. MERLIN: No-- no, I can't... ARTHUR: Merlin. Do you understand? If you're not there to meet us, we'll surely be caught. Merlin nods. Dragon's Cave MERLIN: I need to know why you told me not to protect the boy. KILGHARRAH: You seek my counsel and yet you choose to ignore it. MERLIN: Just tell me why. KILGHARRAH: If the boy lives, you cannot fulfil your destiny. MERLIN: What's he got to do with my destiny? You said it's my destiny to protect Arthur. KILGHARRAH: Then you have the answer you seek. MERLIN: You're telling me that little boy is going to kill Arthur? KILGHARRAH: It seems that is up to you. MERLIN: No. You can't know that for certain. KILGHARRAH: You have it in your power to prevent a great evil. MERLIN: There must be another way! The future isn't set in stone! KILGHARRAH: You must let the boy die. Gaius's Chambers GAIUS: I assume it's the plight of the Druid boy that's causing your forehead to wrinkle like a lizard's elbow. MERLIN: Would you let something terrible happen if it meant you'd stop something even worse happening in the future? GAIUS: I suppose it depends on what the 'terrible' and 'even worse' things were. MERLIN: One of them's bad, really bad. And the other, it's...unthinkable. GAIUS: It sounds as if you've already made your decision. You can only do what you believe to be right, Merlin. I just hope it doesn't involve you putting yourself in terrible danger. MERLIN: For once, you don't have to worry. I'm going to do nothing. Morgana's Chambers Gwen helps Morgana dress for dinner. MORGANA: Thank you. Morgana turns around and sees Gwen's expression. MORGANA: What is it? What's wrong? GWEN: You're risking so much for this boy. You don't know anything about him. You don't even know his name. MORGANA: There's a bond between us. GWEN: Stronger than the bond you have with Uther? MORGANA: It's like nothing I've ever felt before. Perhaps I was always meant to help him. GWEN: How can that be? MORGANA: I don't know. I can't explain it. Gwen sighs and shakes her head. MORGANA: I must go to Uther. GWEN: Good luck. Castle - Council Chamber Of Doom Uther dines as Morgana enters with tear stained cheeks. MORGANA: I have come to apologise, My Lord. You have been generous and kind and fair. And I owe you everything. I truly don't know what came over me. I acted without thinking of the consequence. My behaviour was unforgivable. *gasp* UTHER: I am glad you've seen sense. Dine with me. Let's put this *ahem* unfortunate incident behind us. Castle - Dungeons Arthur descends the Wrought Iron Stairway. He stops halfway and drops a smoking bag down to the guards, who cough and pass out. Arthur grabs their keys and opens Mordred's cell. ARTHUR: Don't be scared. I've sent word to your people, I'm taking you to them. You must come with me. Arthur takes Mordred's hand and leads him out. They head down a tunnel with a torch. ARTHUR: This way. The guards wake. GUARD: It's the Druid boy. He's escaped! Tunnels Arthur and Mordred reach the gate at the end of the tunnel. Merlin is nowhere in sight. ARTHUR (whisper): Merlin! Merlin! Don't worry, he'll be here. Merlin's Chamber Merlin sits on his bed. The warning bells sound. Castle - Council Chamber Of Doom Morgana dines with Uther. UTHER: Guard! A guard enters. UTHER: Find out why they've sounded the warning bell. GUARD: Yes, My Lord. Tunnels Arthur pushes against the gate. ARTHUR: Damn it, Merlin! Arthur and Mordred hear a door open at the other end of the tunnel. Arthur puts out the torch. GUARD(distant): I think they went that way. Merlin's Chamber/Tunnels Merlin sits in his chamber. Arthur and Mordred wait anxiously. MORDRED (telepathy): Emrys. Emrys. Where are you, Emrys? Emrys. Help us. Please! They're coming. GUARD 1: Look over there. Look over there. Check in there. GUARD 2: Yes, sir. Arthur draws his sword. GUARD 1: But you look down here. MORDRED (telepathy): I'm scared, Emrys. They will kill me. Don't do this. Don't ignore me. I know you can hear me. I thought you were my friend. We're the same. I don't want to die. Emrys! Emrys! Emrys! Tunnel Exit Merlin sneaks past the guards across the drawbridge. MERLIN: Hey! ARTHUR (whisper): Where the hell have you been?! MERLIN: I had trouble getting out of the castle. Merlin narrows his eyes at Merlin. ARTHUR (whisper): Well, get this grate off, they're coming! Merlin attaches the grappling hook and pulls off the grate. Merlin lifts Mordred up onto the horse in front of Arthur. ARTHUR: If my father asks where I am, I've gone on a hunting trip. You'd better make yourself scarce, or they'll execute you in his place. MORDRED (telepathy): Goodbye, Emrys. I know that someday we will meet again. Castle - Council Chamber Of Doom GUARD: My Lord. I regret to report that the Druid boy has escaped from the dungeon. UTHER: What!? How? GUARD: My Lord, he was assisted by some accomplices. The guards are searching Camelot as we speak. UTHER: Find him and his accomplices and kill them. GUARD: Yes, My Lord. UTHER: If I discover that you were somehow involved in freeing this boy, the consequences will be extremely severe. MORGANA: My Lord, you know I respect you too much to ever betray you like that. UTHER: I made a promise to your father that I would protect you. But if you cross me again, I will break that promise without a second thought. Uther leaves and Morgana scowls. Forest Arthur and Mordred meet the Druids in the woods. ISELDIR: We are forever indebted to you, Arthur Pendragon, for returning the boy to us. ARTHUR: You must not let it be known that it was I who brought him to you. ISELDIR: We will tell no one. You have my word. The druids turn to leave. ARTHUR: Wait, I don't even know your name! At least tell me your name. ISELDIR: It's all right. MORDRED: My name is Mordred. ARTHUR: Good luck, Mordred.

When Merlin decides to help a magical young fugitive, he finds an unlikely ally in Morgana. The pair are desperate to smuggle the boy back to his own kind, but this becomes increasingly difficult, as the hunt for his whereabouts increases with every minute. Their task takes a dangerous turn when Uther declares that anyone hiding the child will be executed. With their lives now on the line, can they sneak the boy out of the castle without being caught? And perhaps more importantly, just who is the mysterious child, and how does he know so much about Merlin?

fd_Dawson_s_Creek_06x20

fd_Dawson_s_Creek_06x20_0

[Scene: A fancy restaurant. Pacey is sitting alone at a table, like he is waiting for someone, when the waitress comes back to see if they need anything.] Waitress: Do you need anything else, sir? More bread, perhaps? Pacey: Not bread, but I will take another one of these. And you don't have to call me sir. It kind of creeps me out. Waitress: Yes, sir. Sorry. I'll be leaving now. [The waitress makes a clumsy exit, when the good looking report comes up and takes the seat across from Pacey] Sadia: Hello. Did you miss me? Pacey: I did, but the waitress was totally flirting with me, so it was all right. Sadia: Ooh, that sounds like fun. Pacey: It was, but she's not really my type. Sadia: Good. What is your type, exactly? Pacey: Generally I tend to prefer the brainy brunettes with brown eyes. Sadia: Can I ask you something? Pacey: Feel free. Sadia: Why did you wait so long to ask me out? Pacey: Well, for a while there I was otherwise engaged, but I've taken care of that now, I promise. [The waitress brings his drink] Pacey: Thank you. [He takes the drink and raises it.] Pacey: So without further ado, I'd like to propose a toast if I may. Sadia: You may. Pacey: To getting to know each other better. Sadia: Much better. [Opening Credits] [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Joey's Dorm room. Joey is lying on her bed studying for her final, as Eddie is sitting on the floor in front of her bed leaning on it, and picks up the book Catch-22 which was lying on the floor next to him.] Eddie: Well, Joey, that's not the overriding message. Joey: Yes, it is. Untimely, Yossarian must accept that he's trapped in an insane world. Eddie: No, but he escapes in the end, so there's hope. Joey: Hope for what? Eddie: Well, the beauty is we don't know, but his escape is a testament to the power of one man's struggle against the system. Joey: Hetson's interpretation is much bleaker. Eddie: Why does that not surprise me? You know, if all you're gonna do on this final exam is just regurgitate everything Hetson said in class, you're not really developing a mind of your own. Joey: I'll develop a mind of my own later. Right now I have to ace this final. You remember a certain incident that happened the last time I took a final for this man? [Audrey comes into the dorm room] Audrey: This isn't happening. Joey: What's wrong? Audrey: God is punishing me. Here. Read this. [she throws an envelope over to Joey who opens it] Audrey: After my long and protracted battle with a serious substance abuse problem, the heartless administration of this esteemed university is gonna kick me out! Eddie: That seems pretty harsh. Audrey: I know. Joey: Audrey, this is just a letter from the dean saying if you sign up for summer school you can stay. Audrey: The dean can bite me, Jo. Joey: You missed almost an entire semester. Audrey: What am I gonna do? I'm gonna be, like, alone here in this box all summer. You leave in 2 days, right? Joey: Not by choice, but yeah. [Audrey gets up and grabs her coat] Joey: Where are you going? Audrey: To negotiate. Joey: I don't think this is negotiable. Audrey: Everything is negotiable. [Audrey leaves the room again.] Eddie: Remind me again. You are friends with her because... Joey: She saved my life once in a bar in Calcutta. Eddie: Right. Joey: Which brings up an excellent point, Eddie. We're getting kicked out of our little love nest by week's end. Eddie: At which point we're gonna move into my car, which I've got parked down by the river. Joey: That is not the plan. Eddie: That's my plan. Joey: Oh, yeah? I thought we were gonna get jobs in the cape this summer, and live at my sister's and save money. Eddie: Right, and endure weekly interrogations from your father about the lack of prospects for my future. Joey: You're starting school in the fall at one of the most prestigious writing programs in the country. Eddie: Yes, yes, I know. In California. And if we're gonna be forced apart by geography in 3 short months, I'm not gonna spend that time bussing tables. I've got some bigger plans in mind. Joey: And what do these bigger plans entail? Eddie: Oh, no. No, right now you need to focus on one thing, and one thing only. And after the exam, Jo, all will be revealed. Joey: Well, and what if I can't wait that long? Eddie: I think you can. Joey: Maybe I'll just have to use my feminine wiles to pry it out of you. [She kisses him, but he slowly pulls away smiling.] Eddie: My lips are sealed, Jo. Joey: Uh-huh. Eddie: Nice try. Joey: You officially suck. [Scene: The help center. David is on the phone trying to help a student on the other end, when Jack comes in and sees him and quietly makes his way over to David's desk.] David: Yeah, yeah, you know, I'm pretty sure you don't want to mix mountain dew with Nodoze. Why? Because they both contain a lot of caffeine, and-- yeah, yeah, that Queens of the Stone Age album does really rock. It's one-- um, first thing you need to do is take a deep breath. Good. Now, find somebody in your class, borrow their notes, and-- ok, yes, yes. We're here 24/7. You can call back anytime. Ok? All right. Good luck. [David hangs up the phone.] Jack: Rough day? David: Yeah, exams bring out the worst in people. Jack: The important thing is you talked him down from mountain dew and Nodoze. That can be a deadly combination. David: Yeah, I've done a real service to humanity. Did you need something? Jack: So this whole mad thing hasn't worn off yet, huh? David: Speak quickly, Jack. The phone could ring again at any second, and the problems of a feckless ex-boyfriend aren't much compared with the suicidal anguish of graduating seniors. Jack: Can we just stop this, please? Can we just talk? At least give me the same chance you give any random stranger on the end of that phone. Just meet with me for an hour-- for half an hour, even. David: Maybe. Jack: Maybe? David: Yes. Maybe. I need some time to think about it. Jack: Cool. Very cool. How much time? David: I don't know. Look, I'll--I'll call you. Jack: Or--or you know, you could just meet me down at hell's kitchen tonight if you want. David: I can't tonight. I have a test tomorrow. Jack: Tomorrow-- tomorrow's fine. Like, I don't know-- what? After 8:00? David: I'm working until 9:00. Jack: So you're-- you're coming? David: I said I would think about it. Jack: Ok. David: Listen, I'm busy here, so... Jack: Sure. Yeah. Understood. [Scene: The conference room at Pacey's workplace. There are a lot of young people all sitting around the table when Pacey comes walking into the room, and begins walking around the table.] Pacey: Good morning, gentlemen. I had s*x with a beautiful woman last night. Now, this should not have happened. She was way out of my league, and I even like to think that I'm a fairly handsome guy, but I'm not that handsome, and I like to think that I'm pretty good in bed, but I'm not that good. How does something like that happen? I'll tell you. I'm 20 years old, and I am doing exactly what I was put on this earth to do. I am making money... hand over fist... faster than I know how to spend it. And let's tell the truth. You all came here today because you're trying to escape the miserable bottom-feeding existence that you've been living that has denied you what is rightfully yours. If you want this for yourselves, you can have it. But I'm here to tell you, you will get your asses kicked on a daily basis, but you will learn. And ultimately, you will do what you were put on this earth to do, which is make money. Now, if any of you are still interested in this proposition, be here 9 A.M. Sharp Monday morning. If you are late, do not come into my building. Turn around, go home, and prepare yourselves for a life in retail. I'll see you then. [He leaves the conference room, and meets Rich outside the by some desks.] Rich: Hey. How'd it go? Pacey: How do you think it went? I learned from the best, right? Rich: That's sweet. You wanna make out or... Pacey: Maybe later. I gotta brush my teeth. Guys: Whoo! Pacey: What the hell is all that about? Rich: That, Mr. Witter, is the sound of blood rushing to the nether regions. Pacey: Let me guess. The Stepatech approval went through? Rich: Not quite yet, amigo, but that stock is still climbing. Pacey: Ok, good enough. Rich: Why don't you call Roger and congratulate him. Pacey: Will do, boss. Rich: Ooh, ah, hey... that date with Sadia last night-- did you close the deal? Pacey: Why don't you just ask those guys in there? Rich: Oh, that does it, Witter. I used to be mildly impressed. Now I am in awe. Nicely done my friend. Nicely done. Pacey: You know, that's just what she said. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Pacey's bedroom. Pacey is asleep in bed with Sadia wrapped up in his arms. She rolls over and gives him a kiss and he slowly awakes and kisses her back without opening his eyes, and hoping he is meeting her lips.] Pacey: Mmm. Mmm. Well, that is definitely one of the better ways to start the day. Sadia: Well, I do have a few other tricks up my sleeve, but I thought I'd keep it simple. I didn't want to blow your mind just yet. Pacey: Oh, my god, woman, you are way out of my league. Sadia: I know. I know [Pacey stretches and grabs the remote and turns the TV on.] Pacey: Oh. Uh... hold on one sec. Excuse me. I'm sorry, but today's the day that the FDA is ruling on Stepatech's miracle flu thingie. Sadia: Thingie? How can you be so excited about something that you refer to as a thingie? Pacey: I know. I'm sorry, but... I have a lot of money wrapped up in this thingie. And this thingie is gonna buy me a new car. Maybe even a new house. Sadia: Wait a minute. How did someone as young as you get to be so career obsessed? Pacey: I used to be obsessed about a lot of other things. Sadia: Mm-hmm. Pacey: Well, mostly girls, really. And then with this one recent dalliance, that probably was better left in the past, I realized that a career is actually a very healthy obsession. No offense, of course. Sadia: None taken. And it's not like you're my boyfriend or anything. I have one of those, and, quite frankly, they're overrated. Pacey: I wholeheartedly concur. Sadia: Mm-hmm. And this other girl? Well, she doesn't know what she's missing. Pacey: Well, like I said, she's in a past life, and I'm quite happy with the life I'm leading. And as they say, I always have my work. Sadia: And then there's me. Pacey: And then there's you, which is proof positive that there is, in fact, a god, and that Pacey J. Witter is his favorite son. Sadia: What does the "J" stand for? Pacey: Wouldn't you like to know? Sadia: Well, if you wanted me to torture you, Pacey, all you had to do was ask. Pacey: Really? Sadia: Mm-hmm. [She climbs on top of him, and he turns the TV off, and throws the remote.] [Scene: Hetson's classroom. Joey and Eddie are sitting at one of the tables with coffee cups strewn across the table and Joey is studying hard from her books, as Eddie watches on.] Eddie: So what do you say? More coffee? Joey: More coffee? How could I possibly drink any more coffee? We've been sitting here engaged in this pre-test caffeination for 2 hours now. Eddie: I didn't want you to be late, now, did I? [Eddie kisses her] Joey: I seem to recall this is how my academic downfall began in the first place. [Hetson comes walking into the room, and goes over to his desk.] Hetson: Well, if it isn't Bonnie and Clyde. Eddie: Don't T.A.S usually monitor these exams? Hetson: You've forgotten about my bionic hearing, Mr. Doling. And believe it or not, I actually enjoy proctoring my own exams. I mean, I figure if Nabokov had time to do it while he was teaching at Cornell, really, who am i to put myself so far above the little people? Joey: In other words, he derives some sick pleasure from watching us squirm. Hetson: I can see over the course of the last 2 semesters that you've learned how to read me. Whether or not you've acquired a similar mastery of post-war American literature really remains to be seen. [Eddie turns to Joey and talks quietly to her.] Eddie: You know, I never did get a chance to thank him for his recommendation. Joey: And you're going to do it now? Eddie: Yeah. What's the worst that could happen? Joey: I don't know. He could be incredibly rude and ungracious, say something mean and unforgivable, and you could punch him in the face again. Eddie: I'm not gonna punch him in his face again. [she gives him a dirty look] What? You don't think I'm capable of being the bigger person here? Joey: I know that you're the bigger person. I just think you're underestimating how small he can be. Eddie: Well, I refuse to accept that. [Eddie goes over to Hetson's desk.] Eddie: Hey, uh... professor Hetson. Hetson: Mr. Doling, how can I help you? Eddie: Actually, - I kind of thought maybe I'd like to, uh, to thank you, for, you know, helping me out with that school thing. Hetson: You kinda thought... maybe you'd like to thank me? Your eloquence astounds me. Eddie: Yeah, well, I kinda thought maybe I'd like to thank you, but now that I've heard the tone of your response, I'm thinking maybe I should just bail on the whole concept. Hetson: Well, that is your specialty, isn't it? [Joey gets up and goes to get in the middle of them before anything can happen.] Joey: Ok, you two. Did I not say this was going to happen? Eddie: Hey, he started it. Joey: Let me know when you've returned from the third grade. In the meantime, all he was trying to say is thank you. 2 simple words. And I believe the appropriate response is "you're welcome," maybe "good luck in future endeavors." Hetson: Well, whatever. Joey: Whatever. I encourage you to accept this "whatever," as I believe this is the best you'll ever do. Eddie: Whatever. Joey: Great. My work here is done. Now can you please leave? Because I fear all of this spontaneous outpouring of emotion is really throwing me off my test game. Eddie: Whatever. Joey: Great. Good-bye. Eddie: All right. Bye. [Scene: Pacey's Office. His secretary leans in the door to tell him that he has a call on the line.] Secretary: Dawson leery. Pacey: Excellent. Put him right through. [We see Dawson on the other end of the phone and he is painting a room at his house green.] Pacey: Dawson. What's up, man? Dawson: Hey, Pace, not much. Um, listen, I've been thinking. Pacey: Let me guess. You're nervous, right? Dawson: Nervous? Who, me? Thousands of dollars at play in the stock market which, from what I understand, can only be described as globally weak? Nah. Who's nervous? Pacey: Ok, well, how about this? You just trust me, and I promise that everything will be all right. Have I ever let you down in the past? Actually, you know what? Don't answer that. Dawson: [Laughs] Um, but seriously, I'm not nervous, I just--I'm thinking it might be time to cash out. I've got a lot of film to buy, and from what I can understand, that's gonna be my biggest expense, so... Pacey: Ok, Dawson, here's the deal. I know that you need to make money, and that you need to make it fast, so what I've done for you is invested you in this biotech company called Stepatech. They have a miracle flu vaccine that is up for approval by the FDA right now, and the word on the street is it's a shoo-in. So if you can hold on for just a few more days, I promise you it will be worth your while. It'll be like the difference between making El Mariachi and Clerks. Dawson: Ok, well, at least that's jargon I understand. Um...I guess in the spirit of clerks, I could charge the film. I've been applying for credit cards like crazy, and 2 of them came in the mail today. Pacey: I think that's what commonly known as a sign, my friend. Dawson: Maybe so. Maybe so. Pacey: Ok, so we're cool here, right? Dawson: What--I don't know. It's all something out of a David Mamet movie to me. I don't know what the hell I'm talking about, but I trust you. Keep me posted. Pacey: Will do. Talk to you later, man. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Outside along on of the Campus streets. Joey and Eddie are walking and talking to one another, later in the evening. Joey has finished up her exams.] Joey: I mean, what kind of a sadist asks for things like Lolita's married name, or what day of the week it was on the first page of gravity's rainbow? Eddie: Well, I don't know, Jo. I'd say that that depends. Joey: On? Eddie: On whether or not you knew the answers to any of those 2 questions. Joey: Schiller. Eddie: And? Joey: Monday. Eddie: So we're talking about completely acing it here, not just sliding by or a partial ace? Joey: No. Eddie: No. Joey: I had complete and total mastery of every arcane fact in Hetson's universe. So? Are we gonna celebrate or what? Eddie: Of course. Joey: Well, does this celebration involve anything other than standing here? Eddie: So now that my usefulness as your study partner has ended, you just want to skip to the present part. Joey: I thought you said it was a surprise? Eddie: Well, you know, present-slash-surprise. Joey: Well, whatever it is, is it coming anytime soon? Eddie: Um...yeah, actually. It is. [Clears throat and hands her his backpack] Eddie: Here. I wrapped it myself. Joey: Yeah, I can--I can see that. Eddie: You don't like it. Joey: Oh, no. I--I-- I don't know what to say. You're giving me your backpack. Eddie: Joey, it's not my backpack. I mean, I bought this special just for you. In fact, you know, there may be something inside here. You probably should check. Joey: I should check? Eddie: Yeah. Yeah. Just in case there's an additional level of--of gift. [She opens the bad and pulls out a book Europe for $5 a day.] Joey: I don't get it. Eddie: That girl who was always telling me how she could have gone to Paris. Well, I think it's about time that she put her money where her mouth is. And I'm not talking about just Paris here, Joey. I'm talking about Barcelona and Madrid and Vienna and Prague and wherever. I mean, the sky's the limit, Jo. And all you have to do is just say yes. Joey: Are you serious? Eddie: Completely. I want every moment we spend together this summer to be...historic. And I figure the best way to do that is to, you know, go to where the history is. So what do you say? Joey: Oh, my god! Yes! Yes! [She jumps and gives him a huge hug] [Scene: Hell's Kitchen. David comes walking up to the bar, and looks through the window to see Jack sitting at one of the tables talking to some guy, and we can see the jealous look on his face again. David goes in and the guy is leaving the table when David starts to make his way over to join Jack.] Guy: All right, Jack, I'll see you then. Jack: Ok, I'll see you. David: Hey. Jack: Hey. Thanks for coming. David: Uh, have you been waiting long? Jack: No. Actually, I ran into a guy from my sociology class. David: Yeah, I--I saw. Jack: Look, that's--that's not what you think, all right? That's completely innocent. David: By which you're implying that the thing the other night wasn't. Jack: You're not even giving me a chance here, are you? Man, it's like you structured this whole scene before you even walked into the place. David: I had 2 versions, actually. Jack: Let me guess. The version you're gonna use is the one where I'm the bad guy? David: Yeah. You led me on, you know. The Halloween party where we first met. You led me to believe you were one of the undead. Jack: Come on. Look, if you're not gonna take this seriously David: I'm being serious. I have a serious Tom Cruise/vampire lestat fantasy that I need to fulfill while I'm still young. Which is why I'm breaking up with you. Jack: What? David: Yeah. Yeah, you know, it has to be done. I was kidding myself Jack: Whoa, whoa. Hold on-- hold on a second. If you think I'm gonna let you walk out of here like this, I mean, come on, David. This isn't how I wanted this to turn out. David: Well, guess what? It is, so it sucks for you, huh? Or maybe it doesn't. Maybe you're gonna get off easy after all. It's only my heart that's gonna get even the slightest bit broken. Jack: Why do you say things like that? I wouldn't be here tonight if I didn't want to make this work. David: Yeah, and you wouldn't be here at all unless you were trying to prove something to yourself. Jack: Prove what? David: Look, Jack... I want what everybody wants. I want to be important to somebody. Maybe you want that, too, but... if you do, to be honest, I can't really see it, because all I see when I look at you is somebody who's going through the motions of being in a relationship because he thinks it's the right thing to do. I don't know. I just know that that isn't enough for me. So... good-bye. Jack: Wait. You're just gonna walk away? David: Have a good summer, Jack, and keep in touch. [David leaves and Jack can do nothing but stare in disbelief] [Scene: Joey's Dorm room. Eddie and Joey are sitting on her bed looking at maps of Europe spread out on it and held open by many other books on Europe. ] Eddie: So Prague first and then Budapest? Or would it make more sense to do it the other way around? Or we could just skip central Europe and stay longer in Spain-- Espanola. Joey: No, we can't skip Prague. We have to see the castles, plus we owe it to Kafka and Milan Kundera. Eddie: You know, I might just have to implement a rule that limits you to only one writer's grave per country. Joey: Well, that's never, ever going is it? Eddie: Why not? Joey: Because when we get to France, how are we ever gonna choose between Proust and Flaubert? Eddie: Aren't they the same guy? Joey: Kiss me, and I promise never to tell Hetson you uttered such blasphemy! Eddie: Deal. [They kiss] Joey: But if we do actually do this, there's probably something else you need to know about me-- something I've never told you before. Eddie: I already know. I know you snore. Joey: In addition to my love for literature, I also have a great and profound appreciation for the visual arts. Eddie: Oh, what? Like, um, David, Sistine Chapel, the Mona Lisa-- that type of stuff? Joey: No, don't think you're just gonna get away with the renaissance. I'm talking Picasso in Paris, the Van Gogh museum in Amsterdam Eddie: Ok, ok. I get it. I get it. So what you're saying is that you want to do everything. Joey: Yes! Yes. Well, everything within reason. Eddie: Within reason? Joey: Well, yeah, I mean, we should be somewhat practical about this. Eddie: You want to be practical about running away together? Joey: Well, Eddie, I mean, running away together isn't as easy as it looks on TV. I mean, believe me. I've done it before. And we're gonna get back in the fall. We're gonna be starting school. We're gonna be completely broke. Eddie: So? Joey: So that thought doesn't terrify you? Eddie: No, not more than the thought of not spending the summer with you. Or not seeing your face the first time you see the Eiffel tower, or the London bridge, or the plaza San Marco in Venice. You know, it's not like either of us have any money now. I mean, we're broke. So what? We start over. Rebuild things from scratch. Joey: With you in California and me here? Eddie: And a whole lifetime's worth of memories. Things that'll never leave us no matter how broke we get. Joey: Eddie... all I'm saying is that... running away together, no matter how romantic and magical it all seems at the time, it doesn't solve anything, ok? So whatever it is that you're running away from, whether it be circumstances or geography, you know, fate, another person, it's always gonna be there when you get back. Eddie: Ok, so what would you suggest to solve these problems, Joey? I mean, what do you want to do? Just ignore the opportunities that come our way? Joey: No! I'm just--I'm trying to be practical. Eddie: Which means what, exactly? Joey: Maybe we should just wait. You know, scale back a little. Eddie: Scale back? Joey: Yeah. Maybe work for a month or two and then go. Eddie: Joey, we're gonna spend the rest of our lives working. Joey: Yeah, and we have the entire summer to take this trip. Nobody said we have to go tomorrow. Eddie: I do. Joey: What? Eddie: You don't-- you don't even really want to do this, do you? Joey: Of course I want to do this. Eddie: Yeah, but only on your terms. Joey: Well, whose terms am I supposed to be doing this on, Eddie? I mean, if I'm gonna throw my life entirely off course for the chance Eddie: Oh, my god. What are you talking about? Throwing it off course? I'm not asking you to throw your life off course, Joey. I'm talking about a summer here. All I'm asking is that you take a leap. Come away with me. Joey: Oh, like Saul Bellow or on the road? Eddie, those are just stories--poems. Little pieces of unreality that we're not meant to base our lives on. Eventually we always have to come back and deal with the real world. Eddie: So what? What are you gonna do? You just wanna sit here for your entire life waiting and hoping for the world to come to you? Because the point of those stories, Joey, is that people's lives-- their real lives-- only begin when they step out into the world. And when you do that, when you meet it head on, maybe you change the world, maybe you don't, but the point is, is that it changes you. And that is what people mean when they talk about growing up. Joey: So what? If I want to be with you, I'm supposed to just throw all of my previous life experience out the window? I'm supposed to just stop being who I am? Eddie: Who you are, Joey, is not some scared little girl who's afraid to take a chances on anything, who's afraid to really love someone because of the risk or the pain. That does not define you as a person. Or maybe it does, you know? Maybe--maybe I'm crazy. Maybe you've just blinded me. Joey: Are you done? You should probably find somewhere else to sleep tonight. [He grabs his coat and leaves.] [Scene: Pacey's work place. Pacey walks in carrying his brief case and a coffee, and notices the deathly quietness of the room. No one is talking, and no acivity can be heard on the phones.] Pacey: Hi, guys. [Pacey sees Rich in the conference room with papers spread across the table and he is talking on the phone. He makes his way over to him.] Rich: Believe me, it's like a morgue around here. Hey, look, I took a major hit, too. All right. I'll talk to you soon. And do me a favor. Stay away from open windows. I don't want to hear about how they had to scrape you off the sidewalk or something. [The guy hangs up on Rich.] Rich: He didn't think that was very funny. Pacey: Yeah, go figure. What the hell is happening here, Rich? Rich: First of all, you're late. Where the hell you been? Ah, forget it. I don't want to hear about your sexual exploits with Lois Lane. I'm depressed enough as it is. Pacey: I'm being serious. What's going on? Rich: What the hell do you think, dumbass? FDA issued their ruling this morning. Big fat rejection. Pacey: But Rich, you said Stepatech was a sure thing. Rich: Yeah, well, so did everyone else. Turns out Roger's miracle flu medication has a bunch of nasty side effects the FDA does not wish to inflict on the American public at this time. Pacey: Rich, this is a disaster. Rich: Settle down, rookie. I've seen worse. I've lost more. We'll get over it. Live to trade another day. Pacey: Live to trade another day? I've been shoving Stepatech down my client's throats for 6 months. Rich: Pacey, stock market 101-- biotech stocks are sketchy, especially these days. You're going to get screamed and yelled at today, but it's not your fault. It's just a professional hazard. [Pacey suddenly realizes what has occurred, and it has truly hit him.] Rich: Oh, man, you all right? You look like you're going to toss your cookies. Pacey: No, I'll be fine. Rich: Listen... take a deep breath. Go back to your office. You probably have a hundred phone calls to return by now. Listen to 'em, be concerned, be sympathetic, but be strong. And remember, they got themselves into this mess, not you. Got it? Now get out of here. Get to work. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Hetson's Office. Joey is sitting in the chair in front of his desk, when Hetson comes walking in carrying a pile of test papers.] Hetson: So Potter... here we are again, right back where we started from. Advisor... advisee... and you still no closer to having declared a major. Joey: I didn't want to give you the satisfaction, but...English. Hetson: English. Joey: Yeah. I mean, I can always change it later to something like marine biology, but... can I go now? Hetson: What, no interest in tripping down memory lane with me? Joey: Not particularly, no. I do have other things on my plate at the moment. Hetson: Yeah, um... that first time you came to my office here, that was your birthday, right? Joey: My birthday? Hetson: Yeah. Joey: The day before my birthday. Hetson: So how was it? Joey: My birthday? Hetson: Yeah. Sorry I didn't get you anything. Joey: You know what? I realize that this is very exciting for you, sitting me down and reminding me how I wasted an entire year of my life and never really actually lived up to my academic potential. But... [He hands her, her test paper.] Hetson: You more than lived up to your potential, Joey. Joey: An A-minus? This means... Hetson: Factoring in all your papers from this semester and last brings your grade to a c-plus for the year. Just slightly above average. You got a problem with that? Joey: No. No. Hetson: You know, the sad thing is that I almost gave you an "A." I went back and forth about it, and then... ultimately, I found your essay on Catch-22 a little bleak. Joey: You found it bleak? Hetson: It's a story of hope, Joey. I mean, this man, confronted with the absolute absurdity of the human condition, he's terrified to his core. He takes a leap of faith. He chooses life. Here. Page 461. Read the part that's marked. [He hands her a copy of Catch-22 ] Joey: "They'll have to try like hell to catch me this time. They will try like hell. And even if they don't find you, what kind of way is that to live? You'll always be alone, no one will ever be on your side, and you'll always live in danger of betrayal. I live that way now. But you can't just turn your back on all your responsibilities and run away from them, Major Danby insisted. It's such a negative mood. It's escapist. Yossarian laughed with buoyant scorn and shook his head. I'm not running away from my responsibilities. I'm running to them. There's nothing negative about running away to save my life." [She realizes the true meaning behind this] Hetson: As I said in class, a lot of critics find that moment too sentimental. An author ham-fistedly reaching in and injecting an amoral tale with a moral. An embarrassing betrayal of all the dark comedy that came before it. But me? I've always kind of liked it. It has such a nice, hopeful ring to it. Do you see my point? Joey: Yes, I do. [She gets up from the chair.] Hetson: I'm sorry, did it seem like I was done? Joey: I kind of have someplace I need to be right now. We can continue this next semester. Hetson: Do you honestly think I'm ever gonna let you into one of my classes again? Joey: No. Do you honestly think I'm ever gonna sign up for one of your classes again? But I do need an advisor. Hetson: And you'd like that to be me? Joey: Yes, I would. Because it is my fondest wish to continue tormenting you until the day I finally leave this institution. [She goes to hand him back the book, but before he can grab it she pulls it back from him] Joey: But if it works out that I never see you again for the rest of my life, that's fine, too. Bye-bye. [She hands him the book and leaves] [Scene: Outside the Pacey's office building. Pacey is sitting outside with Sadia, and they are talking and drinking a cup of coffee. Pacey is rather upset, and Sadia is trying to be supportive of him.] Sadia: So there is a soul in there somewhere. And to think I just assumed you were another one of Rich Rinaldi's pet sharks. Pacey: Sadia, I just screwed over my best friend. I've been feeling sick to my stomach all day. And Rich was right, the rest of my clients knew what they were getting themselves into. But Dawson entrusted me with his entire life savings, and I pissed it all away. How could I let that happen? Sadia: Ok, this happens all the time. It's just the life of being a broker. Pacey: Well, that's not acceptable to me. I have to fix this. Sadia: Do you mind if I ask you a few questions? Pacey: Yeah, sure. Sadia: On the record? Ok, um... maybe later? Pacey: Later, yeah. I think later would probably be better. Sadia: Thank you. Oh, not tonight, though. I already have plans. Pacey: Let me guess, the boyfriend? Sadia: Fianc , actually. Pacey: The fianc ? Really? Oh, the hits just keep on coming. Sadia: No, it-- it's just this long-distance relationship, you know, and it's just kind of boring and--you know? Pacey: Oh, right. Well, so long as it's boring, that makes everything ok. Well, it was good while it lasted, I guess. [She kisses him on the cheek] Sadia: Call me if you want to talk. Pacey: Sure. Sure. [She leaves and he sits thinking about everything] [Scene: The help center. Jen is on the phone with a student, while Jack is sitting in one of the couches just staring at the wall. Jen looks over to him and you can see the concern in her eyes.] Jen: You're welcome. Bye. [Jen gets off the phone and goes over to Jack] Jen: Hey. Jack: Hey. Jen: Either you just failed an exam or last night didn't go as well as I expected it to. Jack: You know I've never really cared that much about school. Jen: I'm sorry. Jack: It's not your fault. Do you think that I was just going out with David to prove something to myself? Jen: Something about what? Jack: Just to prove that I could do it, that I could be in a relationship. You know, have a boyfriend. Jen: I don't know. I mean, is that something that you feel like you needed to prove to yourself? Jack: Yeah. Who wants to be that 35-year-old guy that's living alone and still going out to the bar scene trying to find the right person? Jen: Give me a break. You're 20 years old. You're not even legally old enough to be in those bars, let alone haunt them with your sad, single self. Jack: Yeah, that from the girl who was on a first-name basis with half the bouncers in New York. Jen: Look, my point is is that I don't think that everybody meets the love of their life when they're a teenager. Or when they're 25. Or even when they're 35. But that doesn't mean that you stop looking and hoping. You know, 'cause you will meet that person, and when you do, I guess you know it. Jack: You're gonna end up with C.J. You know David used to say that he knew you guys were gonna stick because you gave him hope. Jen: Me? Jack: Yeah. I mean, you give me hope. You did it, didn't you? You found somebody that makes you happy. Somebody who's not gay. Jen: Yeah, well, he's slightly gay, if only in the seventh grade sense of the term. He does make me happy. Even when things are awful. You know, I'd share him with you if I could. Jack: Thanks, but that's not necessary. [Scene: Pacey's Office. Pacey is just finishing up one of his many phone calls that he has been making, and calls out to his secretary.] Pacey: [Sighs] Who do we have left, Miss Seater? Miss Seater: Just Dawson leery. You want him? Pacey, do you want him? [He gets up and goes out to find Rich who is just getting ready to leave the office for the day.] Rich: No, no. You're not gonna hold me up. I've got a hot date of my own tonight. I admit it. You shamed me, Witter. Now I gotta spend my nights keeping up with my friggin' prot g . Pacey: Ok, that's great. I just-- I want to ask you one thing before you go. Rich: As long as it doesn't involve me holding you while you cry. Pacey: I promise. Rich: What is it, kid? Pacey: Well, I was just wondering if maybe you could cover me? Loan me a little money? Rich: You're kidding, right? Pacey: No. I wish I was, but... you have no idea how hard it is for me to ask you for this, Rich, but a friend of mine a couple of weeks ago, he came to me and he wanted to double his money really fast. So I just put it all into Stepatech. Rich: That was a stupid move, Pacey. Pacey: But he wanted to pull out, and I told him not to, I told him to just trust me and ride the thing out, and this guy is my oldest and closest childhood friend. I cannot screw him like this, Rich. Rich: It's already done, Pacey. Pacey: No, I'm serious. All I want to do is give him back his initial investment. And then I'll pay you back with whatever interest you want. Rich: What about you? What happened to your disposable income? Pacey: I got nothing left. Everything I had was in Stepatech. I'm worth like, I don't know, 300 bucks right now. Rich: You know, it's funny. You're so good at your job, you're so confident, I sometimes forget how young and stupid you are. Pacey: Please, Rich, I need your help, not the speech right now, ok? Rich: Oh, I think you do, actually. And I'm gonna say to you what you should have told your little friend in the first place. No. Pacey: That's it? That's all you have to say to me? I come to you, embarrass myself, and you're just gonna say no? Rich: Pretty much, yeah. Pacey: [Chuckles] You know, Rich, sometimes you're so good at your job I forget what an unfeeling prick you are. Rich: You work for me. I'm your boss. You watch your tone. Pacey: Ok, Rich, I'm just asking you for this one favor! Just one time! Rich: I...don't...do... favors, Witter. Pacey: Why not? 'Cause god forbid you have to drop the Gordon Gecko routine for a second? I mean, this would be so easy for you, man. Just help me out here! Rich: Help you out?! I gave you a job, Witter! I gave you a chance to escape some bottom feeder existence, and every step of the way, you have been a holier-than-thou pain in the ass. So you tell me, why should I help you out? Take this pen. Take this pen, Witter, and write down today's date. Because from this day forward, you're going to amount to nothing. You are a failure and a loser, and you deserve everything that can-- uhh! [Pacey decks him, and they get into a large fist fight, knocking over desks and computer screens the entire time.] Rich: It's all over, Pace. Don't worry... you're fired. That's what you wanted all along, anyway. Loser. [Scene: Joey's dorm room. Audrey is sitting on the end of her bed reading the Europe for $5 a Day book when Joey comes walking into the room.] Audrey: Hey, I'm all for going to Europe, but I don't understand why anyone would want to do it on $5.00 a day. $5.00 doesn't even buy you a pint of Guinness in Dublin. Joey: The registrar closes in 10 minutes. That's not exactly a course catalog. Audrey: I know. But all the summer school classes just look so boring, Joey! Who was it that said you should never take a class where Beowulf is required reading? Joey: Me. Audrey: Silly me, I thought it was Woody Allen. Joey: Audrey, unless you're planning on enrolling in Santa Monica junior college, you'd better hurry. Audrey: All right. All right. Joey: And can you hand me that book? I have to start my reading for my trip. Audrey: What?! Since when did you decide to go? Joey: Since now. Audrey: Joey Potter, you are just full of little surprises. Ciao, bella! [Audrey, leaves, and Joey is about to go and make a phone call when she notices an envelope on the phone and takes out the card and reads.] Eddie, reading: "Dear Joey, as you know, I'm not good at good-byes, but I guess that's what this is. A real one this time. Because as much as I thought I wanted us to be together, I guess what I want more is to be one of those people who lives every moment of his life without indecision and without regrets. Someone who dares to disturb the universe without a thought to the consequences. And you're not one of those people, at least not yet. Maybe you'll prove me wrong about that one day. I hope you do. But who knows? Maybe people can't change. Maybe we're doomed to repeat the same mistakes over and over again no matter how hard we try. I always hope for a happy ending. How crazy is that? Take care of yourself." [The scene fades from Joey reading the Card, to Pacey walking up to the back of Dawson's house, and him looking up into the sky, knowing that he has to tell Dawson that he has lost all of his money.]

Pacey learns he has lost Dawson's money in the stock market after investing in a med stock that just went bust. Pacey then asks his boss Rich Rinaldi to borrow $18,000 to refund Dawson's money, but Rinaldi refuses. Frustrated and angry after Rinaldi insults Pacey one-too many times by calling him a loser, Pacey (having heard enough of that from everyone he knows) punches Rinaldi in his face which results in Rinaldi instantly firing Pacey. Back at school, Joey passes her English final with an 'A', which earns her a C+ average grade, and is relieved that her long ordeal with the insufferable Professor Heston is over. However, Joey later tells Heston that she wants him as her adviser when she decides to choose English as her major. Eddie surprises Joey with a trip to Europe for the summer, but a fiery conversation about how differently they live their lives leaves both of them questioning their future together. Eddie ends up breaking up with Joey with a letter. Elsewhere, David finally breaks up with Jack, who ponders if he was only with David to prove to himself that he could hold a steady relationship.

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CHILTON CLASSROOM MRS O'MALLEY: Although getting soviet support for his war in the pacific was his top priority, many historians have argued that it was actually Roosevelt's declining health that played the most significant role at Yalta. Had he not been in such failing health, they argue, he would have driven a much harder bargain with Stalin during those fateful negotiations. For Churchill... CHARLESTON: Excuse me Mrs O'Malley. MRS O'MALLEY: Excuse me, please. CHARLESTON: I need you to remove Miss Gilmore from class. MRS O'MALLEY: Rory Gilmore, there's been a mistake. I'm going to have to ask you to leave. CHARLESTON: And take your things with you. You won't be coming back. RORY: What? MRS O'MALLEY: Come on. Quickly. RORY: But... [Confused Rory gathers her books, buts on her yellow back pack and leaves, she goes through the classroom door and strait into her house. Still confused she goes inside. Lorelai is coming down the stairs with a suit case.] RORY: Mom, I had the most awful day. LORELAI: Hi. I thought I would miss you. RORY: Where are you going? LORELAI: Well, I'm going to Hawaii. RORY: Hawaii? LORELAI: Yeah. Hawaii. RORY: Why? LORELAI: 'Cause I've always wanted to go to Hawaii. RORY: I didn't know that. LORELAI: Yes well. RORY: Well, when are you coming back? LORELAI: I don't know. How many ounces can you take on the pLane? Two, Three I forget. RORY: Mum, I really need to talk. LORELAI: PLane. RORY: Well how am I gonna be able to get in touch with you? LORELAI: You can't. I need a break, kid. Take it easy. Try not to kill any plants. RORY: Well... [Lorelai leaves. Rory then hears noise in the kitchen, she goes to check it out. Paris, Doyle and tow young kids are having dinner.] DOYLE: Salman wants to come over for dinner this weekend. PARIS: Is he bringing that boring wife of his? DOYLE: Padma is fine. PARIS: Cookbooks, Doyle. Her husband wrote "The Satanic Verses," and all you'd want to talk about is cookbooks. DOYLE: I like "Top Chef." PARIS: Fine, but I'm on call all this weekend, so here's hoping for a heart transplant. DOYLE: I finally had to fire Broder. PARIS: Really? DOYLE: He knew it was coming, but still... PARIS: Well being Executive Editor of the Washington Post does have its drawbacks. [Stopping Rory] Oh. Hi, Rory. RORY: Hi. PARIS: What are you doing here? RORY: This is my house. PARIS: Rory, we've been through this. It will always be your house in your heart, but we own it now. RORY: What are you talking about? DOYLE: You need money, kid? RORY: No. At least, I don't think I do. DOYLE: Here. RORY: What are you doing? PARIS: Don't think of it as charity. Think of it as a gift -- a charitable gift. RORY: [Taking the money] But... PARIS: You better get going. DOYLE: Yeah you don't want to be late. RORY: For what? PARIS: Uh, work? Oh, and don't forget your poker. That trash isn't gonna pick up itself. [Doyle opens a large orange plastic bag. Then poker hits a copy of The New York Time, on the floor at Rory's feet. Rory wakes up in a sweat.] OPENING CREDITS GILMORE MANSION - LIVING ROOM [Rory, Lorelai and Emily are listening to Richard] RICHARD: Not only did he give me a clean bill of health, but Dr. Swinton said he actually thinks I'm in better shape than I was before the heart attack. LORELAI: Well you do look great, dad. Very Lance Armstrong. What do you think hon. RORY: You look great, grandpa. RICHARD: Ah lost 11 pounds. LORELAI: You can tell. You're super-ripped under that jacket. RICHARD: Well I've gotten into a good routine with the exercise, and now I can't imagine a day without it. RORY: Yeah grandma better keep an eye on you over at the club. EMILY: Rory, I'm so sorry that Logan couldn't join us tonight. RORY: Oh he was, too, but all his meetings in California have been going so well, he decided to extend his trip. RICHARD: Good job prospects? RORY: I think so. He's making a lot of great contacts. EMILY: Well, next time. RICHARD: So, when do finals start? RORY: Uh, tomorrow, actually. Irony from Milton to Byron. RICHARD: Ha. EMILY: I hope we're not keeping you from your studies. RORY: Oh, no. It was so nice to get a break from being in that library all day. Actually It's nice to talk above a whisper. EMILY: Well, your grandfather and I have a little surprise for you. LORELAI: Uh-oh. RORY: What? LORELAI: Did you name another building after her? EMILY: No. LORELAI: No I know I know, you bought Yale and named it Rory. From now on, the Ivy League is going to be Harvard, Princeton, and Rory. Has a nice sound, though. RORY: A nice ring to it. LORELAI: "Hey, I'll meet you at the Rory/Harvard game." EMILY: Your grandfather and I have decided to purchase a little Pied-Terre in the city. RICHARD: Nothing fancy. Just a little two-bedroom on the Upper East Side. RORY: That's exciting. EMILY: Now we realize that the Upper East Side is not the most convenient address for an employee of the New York Times, but it's just a 20-minute cab ride to work. LORELAI: You're giving her an apartment, mom? EMILY: No. It'll be our apartment but Rory's to live in. Of course we would never drop by unannounced. RICHARD: Well, that goes without saying. EMILY: We would just come in on the occasional weekend and maybe stay over some nights when we're going to be in the city late. LORELAI: Hear that, honey? You and grandma are gonna be roomies. EMILY: So, what do you think? RORY: Oh It's a very generous offer. RICHARD: Oh, we're glad to do it. RORY: But I don't know if I'm actually gonna be moving to New York after I graduate. I didn't get the internship at the New York Times. LORELAI: What? RICHARD: You didn't? EMILY: That's terrible. LORELAI: When did you find that out? RORY: Um, yesterday. It's not a big deal. EMILY: Well, this is preposterous. Who could be more qualified than you? RORY: Well the Reston fellowship is very competitive, and they only take a couple of people, so... RICHARD: This is outrageous. You rose to editor in chief of the Yale Daily News. What else do they want, an exclusive interview with Osama Bin Laden? [Richard and Emily continue talking amongst themselves] LORELAI: Why didn't you tell me? RORY: 'Cause I just found out, and I was so busy studying for finals. LORELAI: I'm so sorry, sweetie. RORY: Oh, it's okay. I'm just, as I said, trying to put it behind me. EMILY: I'm sure it's nepotism. If your name isn't Keller or Sulzberger, you may as well not even apply. RORY: Oh, grandma, it's okay, I promise. Um actually, I need to get back to Yale soon to keep studying, and I'm kind of hungry -- could we eat? LORELAI: Yeah, let's get dinner started. Mom? Dad? EMILY: Well yes, let's eat. I'll have Alexandra serve the salads at once. STARS HOLLOW [Lorelai is on the phone waling towards Luke's] LORELAI: Hi, hon, it's me. Just calling to check in and wish you luck this morning. I know it's your first final, and I know you're gonna knock their socks off or their bow ties or whatever it is you knock off professors when you're trying to impress them. Call me when you're done. I love you. Bye. LUKE'S DINER [Lorelai enters] BABETTE: "My Funny Valentine" -- it doesn't work. It's April already. What about "Down with Love"? MISS PATTY: To open? It's too depressing. BABETTE: It's not depressing. It's ironic. MISS PATTY: People don't listen to music for irony. BABETTE: What about weird al? MISS PATTY: Weird who? LORELAI: Hi, gals. MISS PATTY: Lorelai BABETTE: Hi, hon. LORELAI: What's with the whispering? BABETTE: We're saving our voices. LORELAI: I think that ship has sailed. MISS PATTY: Oh we're debuting our cabaret act tonight at K.C.'S. LORELAI: Oh, I thought Saturday was karaoke night at K.C.'S. BABETTE: It is, so we went over there this morning and signed ourselves up for the first 15 songs. LORELAI: I'm sure the karaoke regulars will love that. MISS PATTY: So what do you think, Lorelai, to open the show -- Streisand or Porter? LORELAI: You cannot go wrong with either one. MISS PATTY: You're gonna be there? BABETTE: You got to come, hon. It's gonna be... [louder] fantastic! [quieter] Fantastic. LORELAI: Hey. LUKE: Hey. [Lorelai notices Luke is wearing the blue caps she gave him 6 years ago and is confused and a little stunned.] LUKE: Okay here you go, ladies. More hot water for you, Miss Patty, and for you, Babette, a bowl of shredded wheat. BABETTE: It's for my throat. Gives it a rougher quality, a husky sound sort of like Debbie Harry meets Ethel Merman! [Lorelai is still staring at the cap.] LUKE: What? LORELAI: What? LUKE: What? LORELAI: Nothing. LUKE: Okay. LORELAI: I'm just getting some coffee. LUKE: To go? LORELAI: Yep. LUKE: Coming right up. [They go over to the counter] LORELAI: Oh, you're preparing for the big boat trip, huh? LUKE: Yep. LORELAI: [Sighs as she sits down] Wow. Do you want me to just talk in nautical terms till you go? LUKE: No. LORELAI: Aye, aye, captain. LUKE: Please don't. LORELAI: Shiver me timbers. LUKE: Are you done? LORELAI: All hands on deck. Now I'm done. LUKE: Good. LORELAI: So, where you going? LUKE: Oh we were thinking of heading up the coast. LORELAI: Oh, well, up is good. LUKE: It should be fun. LORELAI: You're really going on a boat trip, huh? You sure it's a good idea? LUKE: What's wrong with a boat trip? LORELAI: Well I mean for starters, you're on a boat. LUKE: So? LORELAI: So! Anything could go wrong. You're on a boat in the water in the middle of nowhere. Haven't you seen "Dead Calm," "Open Water," "Das Boot"? LUKE: Okay, first of all, I did not purchase a u-boat. LORELAI: "Titanic", surely you've seen "Titanic." LUKE: April's very excited about this. LORELAI: Sure she is. LUKE: Here's your coffee. LORELAI: Look instead of paying for this, can I just give you some of my sage advice? LUKE: I'd rather have the dollar. LORELAI: April says she's very excited? LUKE: Very excited. LORELAI: Yeah, she said she's very excited, but if I were you, I would plan a couple nights at a hotel so she can wash her hair and order room service. That's what I would do. LUKE: Okay. LORELAI: Okay and if you're heading up the coast, you have to spend as much time as possible on the southern coast of Maine. LUKE: Yeah? LORELAI: And you have to go to Barnacle Billy's. LUKE: Barnacle Billy's? LORELAI: They have the best lobster you've ever had and you sit on the deck, look at the view -- you never want to leave. LUKE: I'll check it out. LORELAI: For all that extra advice, don't I get a doughnut? [Luke lifts the donut cover] LORELAI: Thank you very much. LUKE: Mm-hmm. LORELAI: Bye, Patty. Bye, Babette. MISS PATTY AND BABETTE: [Singing together] "So long, farewell Auf Wiedersehen, goodbye, goodbye! PARIS AND DOYLE'S APARTMENT [Rory enters] RORY: Hey. PARIS: Hey, Rory. Everybody, this is my roommate, Rory. Rory, this is Elise, Karen, Robin, Tim, and Edwin. [As a group the welcome Rory with "Howdy" and "Hi"] PARIS: All fellow Yale seniors and all recently accepted into Harvard Medical school. RORY: Oh, wow. Congratulations. THE GROUP: Thank you! Thank you. PARIS: When word spread around campus about who got in, we decided to get together and celebrate. RORY: Cool. PARIS: [Quietly it Rory] A good chance to size up the competition. I know robin, Karen, and Edwin from ORGO, and I'm comfortable that when the time comes, I can crush them. Elise and Tim are new to me, but Elise's hand was shaking a little when she was cutting into the cake, so I've got her pegged for an early exit into podiatry. RORY: Sounds like quite a party. PARIS: It really is. Do you want some cake? RORY: Oh. Definitely not. PARIS: We tried to get a corpse cake, but we couldn't find a bakery that would make us one, so we had to settle for a naked-guy cake from an erotic bakery in Hartford. RORY: Yes it's a little early for cake for me. PARIS: It actually tastes pretty good once you get past the pornographic-dessert issue. Sure I can't interest you in a fibula? RORY: No, thanks. PARIS: Here's your mail. You got a letter from the Chicago Sun-Times. RORY: Oh. Great. [Rory opens the letter right away.] They're not hiring. PARIS: Bummer. You okay? RORY: Yeah. I'm fine. It's not a big deal. PARIS: You want to hang out, have a little champagne? I could use an extra pair of eyes out here. RORY: I would, but I have a final in one hour, so I'm gonna go shower and close my eyes for a bit. PARIS: Sure. We'll try to keep it down. RORY: Okay. Thanks. Nice meeting you, everyone. GIRL: Bye, Rory. GUY: Bye! [Rory goes into her room and reads the letter again, Then gets out her cell phone and makes a call.] RORY: Hi. Um, I'm calling for Kate Hessel? Rory Gilmore. Okay....Hello, Kate? Um, hi. This is Rory Gilmore. Good. I'm well. How are you? Um, yeah, finals and everything. It's just really crazy right now. But, um, the reason why I was calling is, uh, well, I know that initially I said that I wasn't interested in the job at the providence journal-bulletin, but I was thinking about it, and it's such a great job. It's such a wonderful opportunity that I was wondering if maybe...no. Right. Of course you did. No. It's such a great job. I mean, of course you've already, uh, filled the position. I just thought I would, uh, check...that I would call just in case. Well, thanks. [Rory sighs as she sits n her bed] DRAGONFLY INN - KITCHEN [Sookie is cooking] LORELAI: Hey. SOOKIE: Hey! Taste. LORELAI: What? SOOKIE: Taste. LORELAI: Oh, it's a meatball. SOOKIE: So good. LORELAI: It's 9:00 A.M. SOOKIE: Look It's amazing. I completely forgot how pregnancy scrambles my taste buds. I swear, it doesn't even taste like a meatball. LORELAI: Does it taste like a Danish? SOOKIE: Well okay, then, for lunch. [Chuckles and sighs as she sits on a stool.] So? LORELAI: So...I went into Luke's diner this morning, and he was wearing the hat I gave him. SOOKIE: [Gasps] You gave Luke a hat. LORELAI: No, not recently. Years ago -- for Christmas. SOOKIE: Oh, yeah, the blue hat. LORELAI: Yes, the blue hat. And he hasn't worn it since we broke up, I mean not once. I don't blame him. It's totally understandable. SOOKIE: Oh, yeah, you're right. He wears that black hat now. It gives him a slightly more menacing quality. LORELAI: But then suddenly today, I walk into the diner, and there it is, atop his head. SOOKIE: [Gasps] Atop. LORELAI: Yes, atop his head. What do you think that means? SOOKIE: It's good. LORELAI: Good how? SOOKIE: Well, you know, he's past his pain, you're talking again, you've cleared the air, you're coming into the diner again, and, you know, he's wearing your hat. LORELAI: Yeah. That's nice, right? I should probably reciprocate. SOOKIE: Reciprocate? LORELAI: Yeah, you know he's doing something friendly. I should probably do something friendly back -- wear my own hat, as it were. SOOKIE: Did he give you a hat? LORELAI: No, that's the problem. SOOKIE: Did he give you any friendship thing you can wear? LORELAI: No, you know, I got rid of all my Luke-related stuff. SOOKIE: Oh. LORELAI: We've made such progress lately. You know I don't want to leave his hat gesture unacknowledged. SOOKIE: Hey, you could always throw on a flannel shirt. LORELAI: That's a good idea. SOOKIE: [getting the meat ball] God, are you sure you don't want to try this? What if I scrambled it with some eggs? LORELAI: No. SOOKIE: Really? [Eats the meat ball] Mmm! LANE AND ZACH'S APARTMENT [Lane puts the babies down for their nap, and leaves the bed room, Zach comes home with groceries.] ZACH: Hey. LANE: Hi. ZACH: Are they both down? LANE: Yes. Three choruses of "Nappy Nappy Time Time" and 20 minutes of Rhythmic Shooshing, and they both conked out. Kwan fought it a little harder than Steve did, but they're both really tired. ZACH: Good work. LANE: I don't know what to do first -- sleep or eat. Eat! ZACH: Hi. [They kiss] LANE: Hi! ZACH: So they didn't have those potato rolls you like, so I got the hamburger rolls which most closely resembled the potato rolls. I checked the ingredients, and potatoes aren't actually listed in there. But are potato rolls made from actual potatoes, or is that just an expression like "finger sandwiches"? LANE: Um, Zach? ZACH: Yeah? LANE: Name-brand diapers and, oh, name-brand chips? Are you crazy? ZACH: I just thought I'd splurge a little. LANE: We are on a budget. ZACH: I know, but I got amazing news in the store. This is the only way I could think to celebrate. LANE: What news? ZACH: Okay. You ready? I was in the frozen-foods aisle when I get this call from Graham. You remember graham. LANE: From vapor rub? Yeah we saw them play last year at the mercury lounge. ZACH: Yeah well, great news. Their lead guitarist got into this wicked car accident, which isn't the great part, clearly. He's gonna be fine, but the use of his right hand is pretty iffy. Anyway, they need a new guitarist, and they called me. LANE: Lead guitarist? ZACH: Lead guitarist. LANE: For vapor rub? ZACH: I know. LANE: Oh my God I want to yell, but I don't want to wake the babies. I'm yelling on the inside. ZACH: They're going on a 2-month tour this summer, and they want me to join them. LANE: I can't believe it. ZACH: Graham talked me through the whole thing, It's the perfect setup. 8 weeks, 25 cities, 40 shows. The whole thing's already practically sold out, and they have this awesome tour bus. And they're cool with you and the boys coming along, 'cause I said, "I can't go if I can't bring the family," and he talked to the band aand they were into it. LANE: Seriously? ZACH: Yeah one guy's bringing his girlfriend. The bassist has a puppy. It's totally cool. LANE: Right now, I am howling at the top of my lungs. ZACH: Just wait. When we're in Philly and D.C., We're gonna be opening for Tokyo Police Club. LANE: Foot stomping, so much foot stomping happening here! ZACH: Yeah the bands are really tight. We're playing at the 930 club, the Black Cat, and the first Unitarian, and we don't even have to bring our own backline. LANE: Shut up! ZACH: Graham's always been a big fan of my songwriting, and he said he'd totally give my new stuff a listen. LANE: So many people are gonna see you play -- I mean, a real tour. ZACH: And it's a million times better than that Seventh-Day Adventist tour. We get to stay in actual motel rooms, not church basements, and we don't have to run our lyrics past the church elders before every show. LANE: [Sighs] I am so proud of you, Zach. [They kiss] Now let's pop open the name-brand chips! ZACH: You want to wake the babies and tell them? LANE: [Serious look on her face] Do it and die. LORELAI'S HOUSE - EXTERIOR [Lorelai drives up in the blue SUV from the Dragonfly Inn, notices Rory's car and goes inside.] LORELAI: Rory! [Goes to the kitchen] Rory? [Opens the door to Rory's room] Honey? RORY: Yeah? LORELAI: Hi. RORY: Hey. LORELAI: Whatcha doing? RORY: Hiding. LORELAI: From... RORY: The world. LORELAI: [Sighs] What's going on? Want to talk about it? RORY: I tanked it. LORELAI: What did you tank? RORY: My final. LORELAI: Oh, I'm sure you didn't tank it. RORY: I'm pretty sure I did. LORELAI: Why? RORY: 'Cause I didn't even turn in all of it. LORELAI: Oh, sweetie. RORY: If I didn't fail it, I didn't do better than a "C"... or a C-minus... or a "D." Oh, what if I got a "d"? LORELAI: Well, that's okay. RORY: No, it's not. I mean I knew my stuff you know. The questions were exactly what I anticipated. I could have written about "Paradise Lost" for hours in those blue books, but halfway through the third blue book, I just started thinking, "what is the point? I'm never gonna get a job, anyway." LORELAI: Not true -- you are gonna get a job. RORY: I'm not. The New York Times doesn't want me. I got a letter from the Chicago Sun-Times. They're not hiring. I even called the Providence Journal-Bulletin and begged for that job, but they already gave it to someone else, some non-idiot who didn't think they were too good and turn it down. LORELAI: You're not an idiot. RORY: I am. Everyone's probably laughing at me. I can probably never show my face in Providence again. LORELAI: I think you probably can. RORY: Not without hearing the snickers and the people pointing and laughing at the unemployed, homeless Yale dropout. LORELAI: Honey, you had a setback, and that is really terrible, but you are so smart and so talented. And there is some paper out there that is gonna hire you as their future superstar. That's just a fact. RORY: Yeah, right. LORELAI: Look I think you're having a meltdown, so it's good you came home, because it's sad and disappointing, and everyone needs to have a meltdown once in a while. I speak from experience. RORY: Ugh. LORELAI: When is your next final? RORY: Not for another four days. LORELAI: Well see? That gives you plenty of time to melt. RORY: This is all your fault, you know? LORELAI: Why? RORY: Because you told me I could do anything. LORELAI: You can. RORY: Apparently, I can't, and I have two rejection letters and a humiliating phone call to prove it. Do you know what the worst part of this is? I thought I was so in at the Times. I was just saying that I wasn't gonna get it. I was trying to be humble, but I was so not humble. I was so cocky. I was picturing myself working there -- chatting up Bill Keller in the elevator and running down the street for a quick lunch with Maureen Dowd and filing my first story and seeing my first byline. I already had the outfit picked out for my New York Times picture I.D. LORELAI: The new suit with the red theory shirt. RORY: Yeah. And now I have to tell everyone that I didn't get it. And I don't want too. Just telling grandma and grandpa made me feel ashamed and humiliated all over again, which is why I didn't tell you. I'm sorry I didn't tell you. It just sucks disappointing everyone. LORELAI: Honey... you could never disappoint me -- ever. RORY: Yeah? LORELAI: Ever, ever. RORY: Yeah. LORELAI: Ever. LANE AND ZACH'S APARTMENT [Lane is changing the baby's diapers] LANE: Have you seen Steve's Paci? BRIAN: His what? LANE: His pacifier. It's green. He loses his mind without it. Can you check by the sink? I need to make a list of stuff to take on tour. BRIAN: Definitely. Zach says they're gonna be playing the Bowery and Roseland. LANE: Yep. BRIAN: Insane. LANE: Insane! BRIAN: I can't wait to see those shows. And opening for Tokyo Police Club? LANE: And maybe Grizzly Bear. BRIAN: Really? LANE: Yeah I know, he got that call like an hour ago. The whole thing is crazy. Uh-oh. BRIAN: What? LANE: Do you smell that? BRIAN: Well, that's one way to find out. LANE: Oh, man. I just changed him. Can you put Steve in the stroller? I'll change Kwan. BRIAN: Got it. You know, their drummer's a bit of a lush. LANE: Who? BRIAN: Vapor Rub. LANE: Oh, right. I know. Zach says he's, like, sober two hours a day. BRIAN: I'm just saying, one night that guy's not gonna be able to go on. You're gonna be waiting in the wings, and -- boom -- you're their new full-time drummer. LANE: Wouldn't that be something? [Checking Kwan] Oh, man. You're kidding me. BRIAN: What? LANE: False alarm. BRIAN: Oh. LANE: What? BRIAN: Steve is now emitting a very foul odor. LANE: Oh... Bring him back. [Kwan cries] Oh, no, no. It's okay, Kwan. Just a false alarm. I am sorry. Just getting you dressed again. It's okay. He hates getting naked. BRIAN: You want his pacifier? LANE: [Sighs] It's okay. No, that's Steve's. Kwan's is, uh, red. BRIAN: Got it. Uh-oh. LANE: [Chuckling] It's okay, Steve. He's coming right back. Maybe you should hold him. BRIAN: Sure thing. LANE: Until I'm ready to change him. BRIAN: Sure thing. I hope the tour bus comes equipped with a nanny. LANE: Yeah, right. You want to come -- full-time "Manny"? BRIAN: I wouldn't last a day. I don't know how you do it, Lane. LANE: Yeah, it's a lot. My mom's actually been a huge help. BRIAN: Maybe you should take her with you. LANE: Yeah. Right. [chuckles] I'm sure I'll be fine. BRIAN: Yeah, definitely. Zach says the bassist's girlfriend is coming along, so, hopefully, she'll be good with kids. LANE: Yeah, hopefully. [SCENE_BREAK] LUKE'S DINER [Lorelai and Rory are having lunch] LORELAI: Alanis Morissette. RORY: What? No. LORELAI: Yes. RORY: But she was successful right from the start. LORELAI: In Canada. She was on "Star Search." She dated Dave Coulier. She struggled a lot before "Jagged Little Pill." RORY: I don't think that's a good example. LORELAI: Jackson Pollock. RORY: Mom. LORELAI: He struggled before he succeeded, and I bet if you asked him now, he would tell you he was glad for that. RORY: Jackson Pollock is dead. LORELAI: Yes, and from heaven he would tell you he was glad about that, because god rewards those who struggle. RORY: Okay, mom, I get it. Setbacks make you stronger. LORELAI: A setback is really just a set-up for future accomplishment. How's your mac and cheese? RORY: It's not having its usual effect. LORELAI: I'm sorry. RORY: It's okay. LORELAI: You know I'm not just saying this stuff. I really do believe it. RORY: I know you do mum. LORELAI: And I think you've had kind of an easy time. I mean most of the things you've gone for you've gotten. This setback might help you have some perspective. RORY: I guess. LORELAI: Do you want some French toast? I think Caesar made it today. It has extra brown sugar. RORY: No, thanks. [short pause in the conversation] Mark Twain. LORELAI: Hmm? RORY: Well Mark Twain had to work as a steamboat pilot on the Mississippi before he became a successful writer. And if he'd never had that experience, he never would have written "Huckleberry Finn." LORELAI: Which is one of your favorite books. RORY: Remember when I made you have my 12th birthday at the mark twain museum in Hartford? LORELAI: I thought one day I was gonna find you on a raft made out of empty milk cartons, sailing down the Housatonic river. [Rory's cell phone rings] RORY: It's Logan. LORELAI: Go ahead. RORY: Outside. [Answering it] Hi. I'm okay. [Luke comes over and sits on a nearby stool] LUKE: How's she holding up? LORELAI: Oh, she's okay. Rory's used to getting what Rory wants. LUKE: Yeah? I know. How you doing? LORELAI: Me? I'm fine. LUKE: Yeah? LORELAI: How's the, uh, trip-planning coming? LUKE: Great. Great, I actually took your suggestion and booked a couple hotels along the Maine coast -- Kittery, York harbor. You know nothing fancy, just cable TV and a hot shower. LORELAI: That's great. I think she'll really love that. LUKE: I even made a reservation at Barnacle Billy's. LORELAI: Bring me a "to go" box. LUKE: Will do. You know, I'm getting pretty excited. It's still a couple months away, but the trip is really coming together. You know. It's a lot of time on the water, and we're gonna cover a lot of ground, but it's six weeks, so I think, overall, it probably won't seem like so much. LORELAI: That sounds great. [Small awkward pause] Hey, Rory and I are gonna go see, Um Patty and Babette's act at K.C.'S tonight. It should be a hoot. LUKE: You know, not really my thing. LORELAI: Yeah. No. I'm not saying... LUKE: No, I know. [They both laugh] LORELAI: Just we're going, but, you know. LUKE: Well, if I have some free time... LORELAI: No, no, no. CAESAR: Order up, Luke! LUKE: I should probably. LORELAI: Yeah. LUKE: Can I get you anything else? LORELAI: A doggie bag. LUKE: I'll take care of it. LORELAI: Okay. LUKE'S DINER - EXTERIOR [Rory is on the phone to Logan.] RORY: So, when are you coming back? LOGAN: [In a hotel room in San Francisco] Soon. RORY: How soon? It's been too long. You have to leave them wanting more. LOGAN: I'm booked on a red-eye tonight. But we'll see, I have another meeting this afternoon. If these guys want to do dinner, drinks or something I may not have a choice. I'm sorry. RORY: That's okay. I'm just glad it's going well. Think they're gonna make you an offer? LOGAN: I don't know it's hard to tell, these guys play things pretty close to the vest. RORY: Well I'm sure they will. All this time they're keeping you out there -- it can't just be because of your good looks and charm. LOGAN: I hope not. RORY: Well, I guess I better let you go. LOGAN: Okay. I love you. RORY: I love you, too. LOGAN: And, hey, don't worry about the Times or the final or any of it. I have a feeling, in the next couple days, you will have moved on and forgotten all about this. RORY: I don't know. LOGAN: Things will be looking up, I promise. RORY: Call me later? LOGAN: I will. RORY: Okay. Bye. [Rory goes back into the diner] RORY: Hey. LORELAI: Hey. How's the left coast? RORY: He sounds good, very positive. LORELAI: Good. You ready to go shopping? RORY: Yes, there's nothing I love more than shopping after a huge meal. LORELAI: Lets go. RORY: Bye, Luke. LUKE: Take care, Rory. RORY: Luke changed his hat. LORELAI: Did he? [Telephone rings] LUKE: Luke's. APRIL: [In her room in New Mexico] Hey, dad. LUKE: April, hey. What's going on? APRIL: Not much. How are you? LUKE: Good. Doing the lunch thing. APRIL: I tried you on your home phone first. I don't know what I was thinking. LUKE: Well another 10 minutes, and I'd have been up there. So, what's going on? Just call to say hi? APRIL: Actually, I've got some news. LUKE: Good news, I hope. APRIL: Good and bad, actually. LUKE: Tell me. APRIL: Well, in January, I filled out this application for the Metropolitan museum science camp. I wasn't even gonna do it, but Mr. Lazovic, my chemistry teacher -- he wrote me this really nice recommendation. Anyway, I totally forgot about it, 'cause I didn't think I'd ever get in, but I did. LUKE: Wow, April. Congratulations. That's terrific. APRIL: Yeah, it is. The only problem is it's six weeks, and it's right during our boat trip. LUKE: Oh. APRIL: Yeah and I've been so torn because I really want to take this trip with you, but this camp is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. They only take eighth-graders, so this would be the only year I could go, and they would have kids from all over the world there, and they'd have Nobel-winning scientists come and teach classes and stuff. LUKE: Yeah well, that sounds, uh, pretty incredible. APRIL: Yeah, but I really want to take this trip with you. LUKE: Yeah, look, it's too good an opportunity for you to pass up. APRIL: You think? LUKE: I do. I mean the boat's not going anywhere. We'll do it next summer. APRIL: Okay. Are you sure? LUKE: Absolutely. APRIL: Okay and It's only six weeks, so I could definitely spend the last two weeks of the summer with you. LUKE: Well then that's great. We'll take a little trip somewhere. APRIL: Yeah, definitely. LUKE: I am so proud of you, kid. APRIL: Thanks, dad. Um, I'm gonna tell mom that we talked, okay? LUKE: Okay. I'll call you later. APRIL: Love you. LUKE: Love you, too. [Luke hangs up the phone, he sighs as he goes back to work, he looks a little sad, a little lost.] KC'S BAR MISS PATTY AND BABETTE: [Singing] When other friendships have been forgot ours will still be hot [Imitates chicken] [Crowd cheering] KIRK: Very nice! BABETTE: You're a terrific crowd! MISS PATTY: Yeah we have one more song, and then karaoke night will begin. [Music starts] BABETTE: I dedicate this next song to my husband, Morey. [They both start snapping their fingers in time with the music.] MISS PATTY AND BABETTE: [Singing] Never know how much I love you never know how much I care when you put your arms around me I get a fever that's so hard to bear you give me fever MISS PATTY: When you kiss me BABETTE: Fever MISS PATTY: When you hold me tight BABETTE: Ooh, fever! [cut to the girls talking] RORY: Hey, do you know what would really put me over the top spirit-wise? LORELAI: What? RORY: If you sang. LORELAI: Oh, yeah! On the way home, we'll roll down the windows. I'll belt it out. RORY: No. Up there. LORELAI: Oh, no. I'd have to be way more drunk for that. RORY: Well, we can arrange that. Excuse me. Could we get some shots here? BABETTE: [singing] You give me fever. LUKE'S DINER [Zach is mopping, you can still see the tire mark from the Thunderbird Kirk crashed into the diner.] ZACH: I've never even been to half the cities we're going to. I mean, Detroit -- how psyched am I? LUKE: You seem really psyched. ZACH: I'm totally psyched. Detroit is a major music hub, man, for everybody. It's not just about Eminem and Iggy pop and Motown. LUKE: Oh no. ZACH: And we're not just playing anywhere. We're playing The Magic Stick. Everybody's played The Magic Stick -- crooked fingers, The Rose Buds, Bobby Conn, Midlay. LUKE: Wow. ZACH: It's gonna be nuts. LUKE: I'm really happy for you, Zach. ZACH: And it just works out so perfect time wise. I mean obviously, I'm gonna have to miss a couple weeks' work, but, for the most part, you'll be closed for the summer, anyway, so... LUKE: Actually, that's not happening now. ZACH: What? LUKE: Yeah April and I aren't going away, I mean at least not for most of the summer, so I'm gonna keep the diner open. ZACH: Oh, man, that totally blows. What happened? LUKE: Oh she's going to this camp -- this science camp. You know she's super smart -- I mean like, off-the-charts smart -- and she got invited, and it's real prestigious. And she's got to go. She can't not go. ZACH: Buddy, I'm so sorry. LUKE: Oh, it's okay. ZACH: No I know how stoked you were for this trip. LUKE: No it's all right Zach... ZACH: All that planning -- you were really into it. LUKE: It's okay Zach. ZACH: No! It's not. It sucks. LUKE: Zach. ZACH: Okay, I'm sorry. I get it. You're processing. [Lane comes in] ZACH: Hey! Hey, babe. LANE: Hey. [They kiss] Hey, Luke! LUKE: [As they hug] Lane, hey! It's been a little while. LANE: Yeah I know I can't believe I'm actually out of the apartment at night and baby-free. I feel like I'm missing a limb -- or two, actually. LUKE: You look good. LANE: Thanks. I'm exhausted. ZACH: But psyched to be out on the town, right? LANE: So psyched. So are you coming to K.C.'s? LUKE: Ah I don't think so. ZACH: Dude, you've got to come. [Quietly to Lane] He just got some totally devastating news. LUKE: It's actually not that bad. ZACH: [Quietly to Lane] He's still processing. LUKE: [Scoffs] LANE: Luke, you should come. ZACH: Come on let me buy you a beer. LUKE: You know you guys, go ahead. Maybe I'll catch up. ZACH: Okay. That's cool. LANE: So, maybe we'll see you there. LUKE: Sure. [Outside the diner] LANE: So, what was the news? ZACH: Oh. April bailed on the boat trip. LANE: Oh, no. ZACH: Yeah she's going away to some brainiac science camp for the summer. Who's even heard of science camp? It's a contradiction in terms. It's like a... LANE: Oxymoron. ZACH: Oxymoron -- totally. [Short pause] Are you okay there, babe? LANE: Yeah, I just kind of realized something today. ZACH: Yeah what's that? LANE: I realized I can't go on tour. I'd love to -- god, I'd love to -- but it's just not possible -- not with two babies. I mean, you know it's hard enough here at home, where I have a whole support system -- my mom and Brian and Dr. Shaw. I've got my routine, and it's hard, but it's manageable. But it wouldn't be anywhere but here, you know? ZACH: No, I get it. I do. LANE: I'm so sorry, Zach. ZACH: You don't have to be sorry about anything. It makes sense. It's cool. I'll call graham in the morning and tell him we can't go. He'll understand. LANE: No. Wait. That's not what I'm saying. I'm saying I can't go. I still want you to go. ZACH: You do? LANE: Hell, yeah. ZACH: No way. Not without you and the boys. LANE: Zach, this is a really big opportunity. ZACH: Yeah, but it's two months. LANE: Exactly. It's not a yearlong world tour. It's two months, it's important, it's a dream come true, and who knows where it could lead? ZACH: Are you sure? LANE: I am. We'll talk all the time, and I'll hold the phone up to Steve and Kwan's ears so they can hear your voice. I'll see your shows in New York and Philly and Boston. We'll work this out. [They kiss] ZACH: You are the coolest. LANE: Well, I am married to the lead guitarist of vapor rub. KC'S BAR KIRK: [Singing] Do you really want to hurt me? Do you really want to make me cry? Precious kisses, words that burn me lovers never ask you why in my heart... RORY: How you feeling there, mom? LORELAI: Ah I must be drunk, 'cause he sounds pretty good. RORY: Well, get those pipes warmed up, 'cause you're on deck. LORELAI: I can't follow Kirk. He can really sing! KIRK: [Singing Off-key] ...People always tell me that's a step, a step too far... RORY: Come on, mom. If you don't, then you're gonna ruin all this good cheering up you've been doing. LORELAI: You are relentless! RORY: I'm thinking something early Madonna. LANE: Hey! RORY: Oh, Lane! LANE: What are you doing here? RORY: I'm just catching up with my mom. LORELAI: Hi, Lane. Hey what's up, Zach? ZACH: Not much, Lorelai. How are you? LORELAI: Good. A little tipsy. ZACH: Seems like an appropriate setting for that. [Listening to Kirk] Okay, this is just sinful. LANE: Be nice. ZACH: I'm just saying If you're gonna do Boy George, at least commit to the high heels and the makeup. [They all chuckle] RORY: Hey, sit. Sit. LANE: Okay. So, are you done with finals already? RORY: Ah... LANE: Wait. Are you actually done with school? RORY: Um not yet, very soon. I'll be done next week. LANE: Oh. LORELAI: Pretzels or peanuts? RORY: Oh, peanuts, and remember -- if you slip out the back door, I will sink into a deep depression. LORELAI: Drat! RORY: So, how are the boys? LANE: Awesome, exhausting, amazing, infuriating. You name it, I feel it. ZACH: I'm gonna get a beer. Ginger ale for you, mom? LANE: Sure. ZACH: Rory? RORY: I'm good. ZACH: Be right back. LANE: So, really, what's going on with you? RORY: Oh, I just had a bit of a meltdown, that's all. LANE: Why? What's going on? RORY: There's this job that I really wanted, and I didn't get it. I was pretty bummed about it, but my mom talked me down, and everything's fine now. What's going on with you? LANE: Well, Zach is going on a 2-month tour this summer as the lead guitarist of Vapor Rub, and, yes, I'm serious. RORY: Vapor Rub? Whatever happened to Hep Alien? LANE: Well, Hep Alien will live to rock again, but right now, opportunity calls. RORY: Isn't it gonna be hard for you guys to be apart? LANE: Definitely, but, you know, it's only two months. And we'll make it work. Life is long. RORY: When did you get so mature? LANE: I think the mature gene kicks in once you become a mother. KIRK: [Singing] Do you really want to make me cry? MAN: Whoo-hoo! [Cheering] BABETTE: Wonderful! Wonderful! MAN: Whoo! [Cheering as Lorelai takes the stage.] LORELAI: Honey, it's another embarrassing moment for your diary. [Music starts] Uh-oh. [Puts down her drink, clears throat, chuckles nervously] Happy graduation. LORELAI: [Singing] If I... should stay [Chuckles nervously] I would only be in your way... LANE: She's a Whitney fan? RORY: Oh, I think it's Dolly-inspired. LORELAI: [Singing] But I know I'll think of you each step of the way, and I-I-I will always love you... [Crowd cheers and claps] MISS PATTY: She's all right! BABETTE: The kid's stealing our thunder! LORELAI: I will always love you. [Luke enters the bar, Lorelai sees him and becomes more serious, now singing to Luke. Luke is smiling] LORELAI: [Now looking a bit nervous] Bittersweet memories, that's all I'm taking with me, so goodbye please don't c-cry, [Others notice Luke at the bar.] LORELAI: We both know I'm not what you need, and I will always love you, I will always love you. [Luke is smiling at Lorelai more, he looks happy.] LORELAI: I hope life treats you kind, and I hope you have all you dreamed of, and I wish you joy and happiness, but above all I wish you love, and I-I-I will always love you, I will always love you, I will always... love you [Chuckles nervously and leaves the stage in a hurry.] [Cheers, applause and whistling, Rory looks worried as to where Lorelai went. Luke looks happy but a little confused.] KIRK: Very nice. Check it out. LORELAI'S HOUSE - KITCHEN [Rory is cooking as Lorelai comes to the table] RORY: Morning. LORELAI: [Groans] RORY: Coffee? LORELAI: Yeah. What are you doing up? Why aren't you more hung over? RORY: Well, I stopped drinking several shots before you did. LORELAI: Are you going? RORY: Yeah. I'm gonna stop by Lane's. Then I have to get back to school and start studying for my next final. This time, I intend on turning in all my blue books. LORELAI: That's too bad. I had a whole second day of pick-me-up plans, including a clown and some pony rides and absolutely no drinking at all. RORY: Well then you shouldn't have devised such an effective first-day pick-me-up plan. LORELAI: Well, live and learn. RORY: I really do feel better, though -- all the wallowing and the eating and the shopping. And I don't know maybe it's because you wished me joy and happiness. LORELAI: [Chuckles] You liked that, huh? RORY: It cheered me up. LORELAI: Well, glad it did. RORY: I do feel so much better, though. It's like you said -- sometimes you just have to let your feelings out. LORELAI: [Chuckle with a sigh] Yeah. Sometimes you do. [Shake her head] LUKE'S DINER ZACH: Chilaquiles, huh? LUKE: Chilaquiles. ZACH: People went nuts for them. Mr. And Mrs. Fiss said they want them every morning now. Who knew? I didn't even think we'd sell one of them. LUKE: Well it was all Caesar -- his idea, his recipe, his refusal to take no for an answer. ZACH: Hey, Caesar. Chilaquiles! CAESAR: Chilaquiles! What'd I tell you, Luke? LUKE: You told me, Caesar. CAESAR: I told you. LUKE: You also told me you told me. CAESAR: Chilaquiles! ZACH: Chilaquiles! That dude's a riot. Hey I'm glad you came out last night. LUKE: Yeah, it was fun. ZACH: Gypsy does a mean Pat Benatar. LUKE: That was interesting. ZACH: How about Lorelai? LUKE: Huh? ZACH: What did you think? LUKE: Oh, uh... ZACH: I mean the gal can sing, right? Bizarro choice of tune, but she's got some pipes. Nice quality, you know? LUKE: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Definitely. ZACH: So you feeling better? Nah you still bumming about your boat trip, aren't you? Of course you are. Why am I asking? LUKE: No, no, no, it's okay. I'm actually feeling a little better. And you know hanging around here this summer might not be so bad. ZACH: That's cool. Maybe we can make karaoke night at K.C.'s kind of a regular thing. LUKE: Yeah, maybe. ZACH: Oh, hey, I almost forgot. In the middle of breakfast rush, I found your hat. It was wedged in behind the dishwasher. No worse for the wear, though. LUKE: Yeah thanks. ZACH: Yeah I told you it'd turn up. [Luke looks at the cap, smiles and puts it in his back pocket] LORELAI'S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM [Lorelai is watching an old movie "House on Haunted Hill" on the flat screen TV] ANNABELLE: [Woman on TV] I'm Annabelle Loren. Are you looking for something? LANCE: [Man on TV] Not exactly. WANNABELLE: [Woman on TV] Are you the doctor? LANCE: [Man on TV] No, no I'm Lance Schroeder... [Knock on door, Paul Anka barks. Lorelai turns the TV off] LORELAI: Just a minute! [Gets up and goes to the door] Oh, hey. LOGAN: Hey. LORELAI: Oh, you just missed Rory. She's on her way back to school. LOGAN: I know, I'm actually here to see you. LORELAI: Oh. Okay. Come on in. LOGAN: Thank you. LORELAI: Do you want, um, any food or drink? I ordered way too many fries. LOGAN: No, thanks. I'm all good. LORELAI: Here, have a seat. Paul Anka! [He jumps of the couch and thy sit down] Um... so, how was your trip? LOGAN: Oh, it was really great. Actually that's what I wanted to talk to you about. LORELAI: Oh, god. I know nothing about that world. Apple, IBM, Microsoft...I'm out. LOGAN: Well, I've been offered a position with an emerging internet company. LORELAI: Wow, that's great. LOGAN: Yeah it's pretty similar to what I was doing in New York, but actually they're willing to make me a full partner. I'll be getting in on the ground floor. LORELAI: That's exciting! LOGAN: It is. It's gonna be a lot of long hours and an incredible amount of work building the company, but I really feel this venture has a bright future. I mean, these are serious people. LORELAI: And you're a serious guy. Look, you don't have to convince me. I voiced my concerns, and you told me your plans. We had pie. I'm cool. LOGAN: Thank you. I appreciate that. That means a lot to me. LORELAI: Oh. You're welcome. LOGAN: So, the thing is -- as you can imagine, I'm pretty excited about all this. LORELAI: Y-yeah. LOGAN: But it does mean a move to San Francisco -- Palo Alto, actually. LORELAI: Oh, wow. LOGAN: Yeah. LORELAI: That's big. That's funny that Rory didn't mention it. LOGAN: Well actually, I haven't told her yet. LORELAI: And you're here 'cause you want me to tell her for you? LOGAN: No, no. I'm gonna tell her. I just um, I wanted to talk to you first about it. LORELAI: Okay. That's...thoughtful. LOGAN: Look... I love Rory. She means the world to me, and I want her to come with me to California. LORELAI: Oh. LOGAN: But not just as my girlfriend, which is why I'm here. I'm here to ask your permission -- your permission to ask Rory to marry me. [Lorelai looks stunned] LOGAN: Lorelai? Lorelai?

Rory stresses out as graduation approaches, which leads to a day of eating and shopping with Lorelai. Later, with Luke in tow, the Gilmores hit the bars, where Lorelai takes the stage for a karaoke number obviously intended for Luke. Logan returns from a business trip and looks to discuss his and Rory's future with Lorelai. After getting into a science camp, April tells Luke that she cannot go on the boating trip with him over the summer. Zach is asked to go on tour with another band.

fd_Alias_05x08

fd_Alias_05x08_0

(EXT. SIBERIA - NIGHT) A passenger train travels through snowy Siberia. A man opens a door and enters one of the passenger cars, closes the door behind him, and looks around cautiously. He carries a newspaper wrapped around something as he walks down the aisle. As he passes a couple of old men playing chess, a bishop piece gets knocked over into the aisle. The man kneels down and picks up the piece for the old man. OLD MAN: Thank you, sir. The man studies the chess board for a moment before getting up. MAN: Just a suggestion. The old man looks curiously at his helper. MAN: Try... Knight to C-5. The old man looks back at the chess board and tries the move. OLD MAN: You are right. The man looks pleased and moves on, continuing down the aisle. As he leaves, we see that he has left a device under one of the seats. The row of lights on the device increase with each second. The man enters the next car and closes the door. He takes a seat and begins reading the newspaper. He checks his watch. At that moment, in the previous car, the old man is about to win the chess game. OLD MAN: Checkmate. A bright light flashes inside the car. The man walks back into the previous car. The car is not damaged, but charred bodies are all that remain of the passengers inside. The man retrieves his device and leaves. (INT. LOS ANGELES - NIGHT) RACHEL: Did you crack Dean's encryption? MARSHALL: Well, I was working on it, but... I got a little sidetracked. I intercepted a string of MI-6 transmissions. They're all about the testing and sale of a prototype MPB. TOM: That's impossible. MARSHALL: Yeah, I thought so, too. RACHEL: What's an MPB? MARSHALL: Sorry. It's a micropulse bomb. These things - super nasty. Incinerate the people, leave everything else intact. DIXON: There was an incident aboard a train in Siberia two days ago. Information's leaking out slowly, but - TOM: You think that's the test...? There's no way the Brits are pursing an MPB. That breaks every arms treaty known to man. RACHEL: Well, have you notified the Director General? DIXON: Until we know who we can trust, we can't approach MI-6 officially. Jack and Sydney are in England trying to find out more. In the meantime, we're going to go over every single transmission Marshall pulled off the server to see if we missed something. I'm working on these. RACHEL: Okay. TOM: I'll take these. Each member takes a stack of file folders to analyze. YORKSHIRE (EXT. AN ENGLISH MANOR - DAY) At an outdoor party, Sydney sits a table outside and has tea with an older woman. WOMAN: You should see my youngest grandchild Daisy - four years old and already a master of the computer. Sydney feigns amazement. WOMAN: Have you chosen a name? I myself have always been partial to "Rupert" - such a distinguished name. Sydney scans the party attendees and watches a blonde woman, Elizabeth Powell. Jack is also at the party, chatting with someone. He seems to nod to Sydney. WOMAN: A shame it fallen out of favor. Wouldn't you agree, dear? SYDNEY: Rupert - it's classic. JACK: Will you excuse me? SYDNEY: Can't seem to get enough of that Devonshire clotted cream. We don't have it in the States. If you'll just pardon me...? WOMAN: Yes, of course. SYDNEY: Thank you. Elizabeth Powell is getting pastries at one of the tables as she talks to someone. ELIZABETH: I prefer the cinnamon, but the blackberry is also very good. Elizabeth turns around just as Sydney walks up. SYDNEY: Excuse me, ma'am. You forgot a napkin. Sydney hands Elizabeth a napkin. ELIZABETH: Oh, thank you. SYDNEY: You're welcome. The woman reads the note on the napkin and turns back to look at Sydney. Inside the house, Jack Bristow idly plays a few notes as he stands and waits by the piano. Elizabeth Powell walks into the room. ELIZABETH: Do you still play? JACK: No, gave it up years ago. Jack pulls off his glasses. ELIZABETH: You shouldn't have approached me here. JACK: I take it Joseph still doesn't know what you do for a living. The woman raises her eyebrows. ELIZABETH: How would it look for the French Ambassador to have a spook for a wife? Besides, this is where I get my best intelligence. JACK: I already talked with the Minister of Finance. He's a dimwit. ELIZABETH: What's this about, Jack? JACK: We believe someone operating within MI-6 is attempting to acquire a micropulse bomb. ELIZABETH: Well, that's outrageous. MI-6 would never sanction it. JACK: I agree. More likely, whoever it is represents some corrupt element. ELIZABETH: Are you suggesting we have a double agent? JACK: Yes, but it goes much deeper than that. Have you ever heard of Prophet Five? Outside, Joseph Vachon, the French Ambassador, looks for his wife. JOSEPH: Have you seen Elizabeth? MAN: No. Sorry. SYDNEY: (using a Southern accent) Excuse me! Pardonnez-moi. Are you Joseph Vachon, the French Ambassador? JOSEPH: Why, yes, I am. SYDNEY: I knew it! Hey, I've been taking French classes at night, (nodding to her belly) 'cause little ones are supposed to pick up so quickly, you know? Joseph slowly nods. SYDNEY: I was just wondering if I could just practice a little bit on you. Joseph looks around uncomfortably, but agrees. JOSEPH: I suppose so, yeah. SYDNEY: Great. Okay. All right. Sydney closes her eyes and breathes. She proceeds to speak in a very heavily-accented French. SYDNEY: Quand votre famille... part en vacances, qu'est-ce que vous pr f rez? Une plage de soleil... ou de montagnes glac s? [When your family goes... on vacation, what do you prefer? The sunny beach... or the frozen mountains?] AMBASSADOR: Tr s bien! Mm-hmm. [Very Good.] SYDNEY: (excited) Tr s bien! Great. Okay. Um... Sydney continues her diversion as Jack continues to explain the situation to Elizabeth. JACK: The network behind Prophet Five is far-reaching. They appear to have infiltrated multiple intelligence agencies, not just MI-6. ELIZABETH: And you think that following this weapon will give us the key to finding out more? You want me to investigate my agency from the inside? JACK: I wouldn't be coming to you if it didn't also involve Sydney. ELIZABETH: Sydney? Is she all right? JACK: She's fine. You just met her, in fact. ELIZABETH: Oh, my goodness. (smiles) It has been a long time. And unless she's wearing a very convincing disguise... JACK: I'm going to be a grandfather - a very young grandfather. ELIZABETH: Jack... she's lovely. JACK: She is. The agent I told you about, Michael Vaughn - he was her fianc . ELIZABETH: Oh. I'm sorry. What you're asking me to do, to investigate my own agency - that's treason. JACK: What's a little treason between old friends? (INT. APO - DUSK) JACK: My source got back to me. She confirmed what we suspected - the acquisition of the MPB weapon is strictly off-book. MI-6 has not sanctioned it. TOM: Could she identify the double agent? JACK: No, but she was able to identify the engineer who designed the weapon - this man, Lukas Basarov. A profile of Basarov is shown on the screen. He is the man who set off the device on the train in Siberia. JACK: Tenured faculty, University of St. Petersburg. Holds advanced degrees in physics and thermonuclear engineering. DIXON: Apparently, he has a side business. JACK: Basarov is currently en route to a conference being held in S o Paulo, Brazil. He's scheduled to give a talk on theoretical microdynamics. MARSHALL: Wow. Sounds awesome. Everyone looks sat Marshall questioningly. MARSHALL: Well, Brazil. Isn't that, you know, the place where they have the um, string - you know, what are they called? Not bikinis, but, um... JACK: Thongs. MARSHALL: Yes. JACK: My source found evidence which indicates that within approximately 48 hours, Basarov will receive a transmission regarding where and when the sale is taking place. We can presume he'll be receiving this one at the conference via his laptop. MARSHALL: (eagerly) Well, that's easy. We just access the laptop, upload the bugging software - piece of cake. I could definitely do it! JACK: You need to be here to decrypt the transmission. Marshall's face falls. JACK: Rachel's perfectly equipped to do the work in the field. Wheels up in two hours. Marshall is still clearly disappointed when he leaves the table. Rachel begins packing for her mission. Sydney comes to see how she's doing. SYDNEY: Hey. RACHEL: Hey. SYDNEY: Here's your program. It's a Flinkman special. Sydney hands Rachel a USB drive. RACHEL: Thanks. SYDNEY: You're sure you're okay with this? RACHEL: Yeah. I'm actually glad that I'm going - anything to keep the investigation moving. SYDNEY: (laughs) When's the last time you did something just for fun? RACHEL: Hitting Gordon Dean on the head with a shovel - that was fun. SYDNEY: Okay. RACHEL: Okay, it hasn't been high on my list of priorities. SYDNEY: But... you have to have a life. RACHEL: I know. Okay. I'll work on it. I promise... after Brazil. SAO PAULO Rachel walks into a hotel wearing glasses and a dress with a matching blazer. She wheels her luggage to the front desk. RACHEL: (using a British accent) Hi, I'm checking in. Lydia Sand. CLERK: The room you requested is available. I see you're here for the conference? RACHEL: Yes. CLERK: Let me get your information packet. Behind Rachel, another guest is making a commotion with another hotel clerk. MAN: I don't care what sort of geek conference you have here! I was told an upgrade wouldn't be a problem. RACHEL: (sighs and rolls her eyes to the clerk) Americans. Rachel gets into the elevator to go to her hotel room. Just as the doors are about to close, someone jams their briefcase into the door, forcing the doors open again. It is the rude American hotel guest, Mr. Sark. He gets on the elevator. On their way up, Sark looks over at Rachel and notices her name tag. SARK: (still using an American accent) So Lydia, you here on business? RACHEL: (still using a British accent) Yes. The geek conference. SARK: You heard that, huh? RACHEL: I did. The elevator doors open. Rachel steps out and goes to her hotel room. Sark follows behind her. Rachel finds her hotel room - and Sark's room is right across from hers. SARK: What are the odds, huh? They open their doors and go inside their respective rooms. Rachel opens her luggage and takes out her op-tech. She drills a hole into the wall and feeds a fiber optic camera into the hole. She monitors Basarov's room. Meanwhile, Sark is preparing in his room. SARK: I'm in place. Yes, I'm looking at him right now. I'll have the details of the trade by tomorrow. Don't worry, Benjamin. For what you're paying me, I won't let anything stand in my way. < ALIAS - Title Sequence > Lukas Basarov comes down the stairs of the hotel with a colleague. Rachel has been waiting in the lobby and approaches him. RACHEL: Dr. Basarov? Hi. Sorry to interrupt. I was just reading your article, and well, I was wondering - would you mind signing it? Basarov smiles and takes the journal from Rachel. BASAROV: (to his colleague) Look. I have - what do you call them? Groupie. RACHEL: Hmm. Thank you. BASAROV: You're welcome. Basarov and his colleague continue on. Back in her hotel room, Rachel scans the back of the journal she asked Basarov to sign. She lifts his fingerprints from the scan and creates a duplicate fingerprint tip. In his room, Sark is calling for room service. SARK: I would like the shrimp stew, the pork and beef skewers, and also the tomato salad. I'm trying to lay off the carbs. Sark looks on his monitor and sees that Basarov is about to get into the shower. SARK: Get it here in ten minutes, and I'll triple the gratuity. Rachel cautiously steps out of her hotel room and walks next door to Basarov's room. She inserts a device into his room's door lock, which decrypts the lock sequence and opens the door. She slips into the room and closes the door behind her. Basarov is in the shower. Rachel puts the device into her inside jacket pocket. She quickly moves to Basarov's laptop and boots it up. She takes out her duplicate fingerprint, but suddenly, there is a knock on the door. SARK: Room service. Rachel quickly closes the laptop and hides. Sark opens the door and wheels in the cart of food he had ordered. He goes to the laptop, finds an access keycard on the table, and sprays something on the card. Rachel is hiding outside on a ledge next to the window, pressed tightly against the wall with her eyes closed. Sark puts his fake fingerprint into the biometric scanner. He inserts a PC card into the laptop and uploads a program onto Basarov's laptop. After the upload is compete, Sark removes the PC card, closes the laptop, and leaves the room. Finally, Rachel is able to get back into the room. She breathes a sigh of relief. She hears Basarov get out of the shower. She hesitates, but decides to finish the job. She moves quickly to the laptop, inserts the USB drive with Marshall's program, and scans her fake fingerprint. She quickly uploads Marshall's program and leaves, just as Basarov comes out of the bathroom and finds the cart of food. He checks it out, interested. Rachel quickly goes back into her room and closes the door behind her. She stands in front of the door for a moment to calm down. (INT. APO - DAY) A phone rings. Tom Grace answers. TOM: Agent Grace. RACHEL: Hi. It's me. TOM: How'd it go? RACHEL: It went fine - Great. TOM: Good. I'll notify Jack and Marshall. RACHEL: So... uh, what do I do now? TOM: Keep your PDA with you. It'll alert you as soon as it intercepts Basarov's transmission. Then go ahead and send it to Marshall. Till then, it looks like you got the night off. Just relax. RACHEL: All right. Rachel is enjoying a martini in the hotel restaurant at the bar. Sark arrives at the bar a few seats down from her. SARK: Lydia? Rachel looks over warily. SARK: Right? I'm sorry about the crack I made earlier. Twelve hours on a plane next to a screaming toddler. You know how that can be. Of course, that's no excuse. RACHEL: Don't worry about it. SARK: (to the bartender) Whatever beer you have on tap, please. (to Rachel) The name's Bob Brown. RACHEL: Lydia... but you already knew that. SARK: (to the bartender) Thank you. (to Rachel) Conference that bad? RACHEL: No. It's just, you know, tough day. Sometimes at these work events, I feel like I'm in over my head. I just started in a new division. It's a lot more responsibilities, more risks. SARK: Sounds like you need to rethink your perspective a little bit. Sark moves over a couple of seats and sits next to Rachel. SARK: Anything in life worth doing has an element of risk. It's what makes life interesting. RACHEL: I can definitely say my life has been interesting lately. And I did manage to do what I came here for, so... SARK: Well, then good for you. As you say, cheers. RACHEL: Cheers. They clink glasses. RACHEL: So, Bob, you here on business as well? SARK: Yep. I'm in international trade. RACHEL: What do you trade? SARK: Whatever my clients pay me to trade. RACHEL: Do you like it? SARK: Hell, yeah. I work freelance, so I get to travel, meet all sorts of fascinating people - present company included. Last year, I tried something a little different - something more conventional, stable. RACHEL: How'd that work out? SARK: It didn't. I was terrible at it. I was so bored that I wanted to blow my brains out. So I decided to take less drastic measures and do something I know best. RACHEL: I just moved. Left my entire life behind, actually. SARK: Well, new starts are good, right? RACHEL: And the new people I work with are great. SARK: You don't sound too convinced. RACHEL: No, they are. That's part of the problem. They're so good at what they do. I mean, there's this one woman - she's amazing, and she's about to have a baby. I'm not sure I could manage work and a goldfish. SARK: Well, aquariums are overrated. Remember that. RACHEL: Okay. (laughs) SARK: You want another one? RACHEL: I would love one. SARK: Okay. Later, the two walk back to their respective hotel rooms. RACHEL: So, um... thank you for keeping me company. SARK: It was my pleasure. They stand in the hallway for a moment before Sark gives Rachel a brief kiss. RACHEL: Good night. SARK: Good night. Sark seems to step back slightly, but they both move in for longer, lingering kiss. SARK: Do you have your key? RACHEL: Oh, no, we can't go in my room. There are clothes all over the place. Can't we go to yours? Sark hesitates. RACHEL: Please? SARK: Uh... RACHEL: (whispering in Sark's ear) Please. Sark kisses Rachel. SARK: What the hell. Sark unlocks the door. The two step inside, still kissing as they make their way to the bed. Afterwards, Sark cradles Rachel in his arms. Rachel runs her fingers along Sark's chest. RACHEL: Mmm. Just so you know, I don't usually do this. SARK: Well, I appreciate you making the exception. You should know that gorgeous engineers have a way of throwing themselves at me, so... RACHEL: I did not throw myself at you. SARK: Okay, okay. If that's what you need to believe. Rachel leans in for a kiss. SARK: Want something to drink? RACHEL: Yes, that'd be lovely. SARK: Okay. Sark kisses Rachel again before getting out of bed. After he leaves, Rachel moves over to the nightstand and looks at Sark's passport. It bears the name he gave as his alias, Bob Brown, and lists his date of birth as April 15, 1968 and birthplace in Chicago. She opens the airline ticket envelope and finds a ticket going to Nassau, Bahamas. Suddenly, her cell phone rings from her purse. She quickly gets out of bed. Sark returns to the room after a bit. SARK: We're in the tropics, so how about some rum? He is surprised to see that Rachel has already gathered her belongings and is dressed and ready to leave. SARK: Okay, so you hate rum. RACHEL: Sorry, I forgot how early my flight was. SARK: What are you talking about? We got a couple of hours, right? RACHEL: Seriously, I've got to meet with my boss, and I'm completely unprepared. SARK: Well, I hate to be the one - Sark notices a device in his room is flashing. SARK: - to make you lose your job. Rachel gives Sark a kiss on his cheek. RACHEL: Bob, it's been - SARK: Yeah, it has. Rachel leaves the room. Sark goes to his laptop. (INT. APO - NIGHT) Marshall is playing Tetris when his cell phone rings. MARSHALL: Carrie, honey, listen, I'm into something really huge right now, okay? RACHEL: No, no, no, Marshall, it's Rachel. The transmission's coming in early. MARSHALL: Oh, okay. Uh, give me a sec. RACHEL: Transferring now. MARSHALL: I'll get right on it. The next day, Rachel is back at APO and talks with Sydney. SYDNEY: Rachel, you did great. Marshall's almost done analyzing the transmission. It won't be much longer. RACHEL: I'm glad. Sydney studies Rachel. SYDNEY: You're in a good mood. Anything you're not telling me? RACHEL: I... nothing. I just - the trip was really relaxing. SYDNEY: What did you do? Spit it out. RACHEL: (embarrassed) I met a guy at the hotel. Some business guy, which is not at all my type. We were just talking at the bar, and well, one thing led to - SYDNEY: Another, obviously. Are you going to see him again? RACHEL: He thinks I'm Lydia, a British engineer. SYDNEY: Oh, rats. Yeah. RACHEL: So no, I guess. SYDNEY: Guess what happens in Brazil stays in Brazil. JACK: (walking in) What happened in Brazil? SYDNEY: Oh, Rachel got food poisoning. JACK: Sorry. Marshall decrypted the transmission. The double agent is due to meet Basarov in Spain in 14 hours. I'm leaving now to surveil the exchange. SYDNEY: You taking anyone with you? JACK: My MI-6 contact is joining me. Sydney raises eyebrows. JACK: You'll coordinate from here. SYDNEY: Yeah. JACK: Okay. MALAGA [SCENE_BREAK] Inside an old building, Jack and Elizabeth wait to monitor the exchange. ELIZABETH: Well, this is charming. JACK: (smiling) I knew you'd like it. I could have spared you the trip, handled this alone. ELIZABETH: Someone from my agency is involved. You can't expect me to stand on the sidelines. JACK: I figured as much. Why don't you start with the cameras? Jack hands Elizabeth a small video camera mounted on a tripod. Elizabeth smiles and goes to set it up. SYDNEY: (comms) This is Phoenix. How are you doing? JACK: We're almost set up. ELIZABETH: (checking the camera) Connection's good. JACK: Okay. You should be getting visuals. Sydney monitors the footage from APO, along with Marshall and Tom. SYDNEY: Got it. We're standing by. Jack opens a weapons case and takes out a device. JACK: We can tag the weapon with this tracker. Once they - Elizabeth's cell phone rings. She checks the caller. ELIZABETH: Joseph. JACK: Where does he think you are? ELIZABETH: Developing nations summit. (silences her cell phone) You were saying? JACK: Once the weapon's in transport, we'll notify the CNA so they can recover it without tipping the double agent. ELIZABETH: Sounds good. Outside, a vehicle arrives at the meeting place. ELIZABETH: Looks like they're ahead of schedule. Lukas Basarov gets out of the truck and motions for his assistant to uncover the weapon loaded on the truck bed. SYDNEY: Do you see that? MARSHALL: Yeah. Given the size, I'm assuming it's got a least a twenty-mile blast radius. Sydney looks concerned. A car pulls up next to the truck. JACK: I thought he was showing up alone. ELIZABETH: So did I. Basarov is surrounded by a group of men. One man approaches Basarov. SYDNEY: That man - Can you get a better image? MARSHALL: Yeah. I'm on it. The man seems to look straight up into the camera. SYDNEY: Oh my God. That's Masari. MARSHALL: Who? SYDNEY: (comms) Dad, those are not MI-6 agents. Repeat - those are not MI-6 agents. That is Benjamin Masari. MARSHALL: Wait a minute. Who's Masari? TOM: Sudanese head of the RLF - terrorist squad responsible for bombing Western targets in Africa. JACK: This is an ambush. The men open fire on Basarov and his assistant. ELIZABETH: The bomb! Elizabeth quickly moves to load her weapon. They hear a noise close by. Suddenly, Sydney's video feed turns to static. Another team of men have found Jack and Elizabeth. SYDNEY: Dad, can you hear me? MARSHALL: It's no good, Syd. They're jamming our signal. SYDNEY: Oh, God. Dad. Dad, do you copy? Dad, can you hear me? The APO team scrambles to figure out what happened. TOM: I want intel from anybody who's ever done business with Masari. I don't care if they crossed the street next to him... find out what they know. DIXON: (walking up to Marshall) Anything yet? MARSHALL: Well, I'm indexing passenger manifests to and from Malaga. So far, nothing. DIXON: Find something. Dixon walks down the hallway, where Rachel briefs him on what she's found. RACHEL: The head of Interpol is on the line. DIXON: Any trace from the signal? RACHEL: No. They must have disabled the tracker. DIXON: I want everything we have on the RLF. RACHEL: Right away. Arvin Sloane quickly walks straight to Sydney Bristow's office. SLOANE: I came as soon as I heard. SYDNEY: I'm sorry to pull you away from Nadia. SLOANE: How did it happen? SYDNEY: They were surveilling a weapons trade. An MPB was supposed to be delivered to a double agent within MI-6. Masari and his men showed up instead. I've been reviewing the footage. SLOANE: What time was the meet set? SYDNEY: 2:30 am, local time. SLOANE: Masari and his men? SYDNEY: Showed up at 2:17. SLOANE: The double agent never had a chance. They beat him to it. SYDNEY: You think it's unrelated? SLOANE: Micropulse bomb - it's the kind of weapon that would be coveted by most criminal organizations. Masari must have found out. SYDNEY: How? SLOANE: How did you get your intel, Sydney? SYDNEY: Rachel intercepted a transmission. SLOANE: Well, maybe she wasn't the only one. SYDNEY: Someone else was in that hotel. Sloane finds a familiar face from the video surveillance at the S o Paulo hotel. He displays a photo of Sark on the screen. SLOANE: Say hello to an old friend - Julian Sark. Rachel recognizes Sark immediately and looks worried. SLOANE: Footage places him at the hotel in S o Paulo at the same time that Rachel intercepted the message, which makes it likely that he did the same. DIXON: I thought he was out of the game. MARSHALL: Apparently not. DIXON: He must have been working for Masari. He was probably paid for the information. TOM: Who is this guy? SYDNEY: Kidnapper, extortionist, murder, the list goes on. Formerly tied to SD-6 and the Covenant. He mostly works for himself. RACHEL: (softly) Freelance. Rachel looks over at Sydney, who realizes something is up. CUT TO Rachel meeting with Sydney privately to discuss Rachel's run-in with Sark in S o Paulo. RACHEL: I had no idea. I will do anything. SYDNEY: I have to ask - did he use you for information? RACHEL: No. There's no way. We were never in my room. He never even had access to the transmission. Sydney nods. RACHEL: I can find him. SYDNEY: He's probably halfway around the world by now. RACHEL: No, when I was in his room, I saw a plane ticket. He's going to the Bahamas. NASSAU (EXT NASSAU INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT - DAY) As Sark leaves the airport, he finds Rachel waiting for him. SARK: (using an American accent) Lydia. RACHEL: (using her normal accent) How nice. You remembered my name. Sydney walks up to the two. SYDNEY: Do you remember me? SARK: (dropping his American accent) Sydney. I suppose a congratulations is in order. Sydney gives Sark a wry smile. SARK: I'm warning you, if you're planning on arresting me, I'm not gonna make it easy on you. SYDNEY: My father and another agent have been taken captive by Benjamin Masari. We need to find his base of operations. SARK: My clients pay handsomely for their privacy. It would be unprofessional of me to give that information to you. SYDNEY: Which is why we aren't here to arrest you. We're here to hire you. Sark nods. TUNISIA (INT. MASARI'S COMPOUND - DAY) Jack and Elizabeth are being held in a room inside Masari's bunker-like compound. Benjamin Masari pays them a visit. JACK: I was beginning to wonder if you'd forgotten about us. MASARI: I imagine for you this cell seems somewhat inhuman. You Westerners, so accustomed to your indulgences. JACK: Why are we here? MASARI: You were transmitting a video feed when you were found. Where was it going? Elizabeth and Jack are silent for a moment, but Elizabeth decides to boldly answer. ELIZABETH: Holiday photos. Costa del Sol in winter. As you say, we do like our little indulgences. Masari motions for a guard to take Elizabeth. JACK: Do not touch her! The guards pick her up and put her elbows down on the low table in the room, forcing her hands down flat on the table. MASARI: If you want to spare her, answer me! Masari cocks his gun and points it at Elizabeth's hand. MASARI: Where was the transmission going? Elizabeth shakes her head at Jack. JACK: Take me. ELIZABETH: I'm not easily frightened. MASARI: You should be. Masari shoots Elizabeth through her left hand. She screams in pain and falls backwards away from the table. Despite his handcuffs, Jack delivers hard blows to two guards. Eventually, the guards force Jack back down and hold a gun to him. MASARI: The right one. The guards force Elizabeth back to the table, with her right hand pressed down on the table this time. MASARI: If you want to spare her, answer me. Masari cocks his gun. MASARI: Perhaps we should try this again. Who do you work for? JACK: Wait. ELIZABETH: Don't tell him! MASARI: Clearly, you don't work with your hands, huh? Elizabeth looks at Masari with desperation. A guard interrupts, whispers something to Masari, and hands him a phone. Masari leaves the room to take the call. The guards release Elizabeth momentarily. MASARI: What is it? SARK: My sources tell me things got complicated in Spain. MASARI: What do you know about it? SARK: Everything. Sloane is in the room with Sark, monitoring the call. SARK: You've kidnapped two agents - one's CIA, the other's British Intelligence. There's an international search underway. MASARI: I appreciate the information. You've saved me some time and a few bullets. SARK: Perhaps I could do more. I have a proposition. MASARI: Always the businessman. SARK: Well, those agents you've kidnapped are quite valuable. I know some people that would pay an exorbitant amount of money to get their hands on them. MASARI: Best kill them and be done with it. Sloane presses a button and mutes the phone. SLOANE: Do whatever it takes. SARK: Benjamin, you have many enemies. Given what I know, I imagine I could broker a pretty lucrative deal for myself. Masari looks incredulous at Sark's audacity. MASARI: Are you threatening me? SARK: As you said, I'm simply a businessman. When opportunity knocks... MASARI: I'll expect you within the next 24 hours. SARK: Where should we make the exchange? MASARI: Tunisia. My compound. (INT. APO - DAY) Dixon and Sydney discuss using Sark to get Jack and Elizabeth back from Masari. DIXON: Can we trust him? SYDNEY: He is telling the truth. I'll arrange for transport. DIXON: Sydney, getting your father from Masari... we need to go in tactically. SYDNEY: How am I supposed to sit here and do nothing? It's my dad. DIXON: We both know he wouldn't want you to go. SYDNEY: I can't lose him. DIXON: You won't. (EXT. TUNISIA - DAY) Dixon is driving a truck with Tom in the passenger seat. Inside the back, Rachel briefs Sark. She hands him a watch. SARK: A gift? RACHEL: A locator. We need to know exactly where Masari's holding them. We can't risk tipping him off. SARK: You haven't done this before, have you? Rachel gives Sark a look. SARK: Look, I imagine you feel somewhat to blame for all this, but you're not. I'm very good at what I do. RACHEL: When you're with them, press the winding stem on the watch. We'll do the rest. SARK: I must admit, you're quite fetching in black. RACHEL: I will gag you. The truck stops. Tom gets out and walks toward the back of the truck. SARK: Does this mean we can't be friends? Tom lowers the tailgate of the truck. TOM: Time to switch. RACHEL: Thank God. Rachel quickly gets out of the truck. Sark pauses for a moment and follows Rachel out of the truck. (INT. APO - DAY) Sydney hangs up the phone. MARSHALL: (walking by in the hallway) Hey, heard the phone ring. SYDNEY: Wasn't them. Marshall walks into Sydney's office. MARSHALL: Um, you want some company? You know, while we wait? SYDNEY: I'd like that. (EXT. MASARI'S COMPOUND - DAY) Dixon drives into the compound, with Sark in the passenger seat. The engine compartment of the truck is smoking as Dixon pulls to a stop. Sark steps out of the truck holding a briefcase, as Masari's guards walk up to the truck to make sure everything is safe. SARK: Masari's expecting me. Dixon steps out of the truck. One guard goes to the back of the truck and opens the tailgate. The back of the truck is empty. The guards pat down Sark and Dixon. Rachel and Tom are hanging to the underside the truck, hidden from view. GUARD: (to Sark) I'm sure Colonel Masari will be very pleased to see you. SARK: (to Dixon) If you expect to be paid have this wreck fixed before I'm done with my business. DIXON: (speaking Arabic) He still thinks he's living in the colony. The guard chuckles. Dixon opens the hood of the truck to check the engine. Another guard leads Sark into the compound. Inside, Sark is taken to Masari's office. MASARI: How was the trip? SARK: Exhausting, as usual. Have you ever thought about moving somewhere more accessible? MASARI: Remoteness is a virtue. SARK: Yes, and it's also time-consuming. So I'm afraid we're gonna have to cut this visit short. Sark opens the briefcase and shows Masari the money inside. Masari takes a stack of money and flips through it. SARK: If you could take me to the prisoners, I can be on my way. MASARI: Why the rush? SARK: I need to be in Tunis by nightfall. MASARI: I'm afraid that, uh... Masari cocks his gun and points it at Sark. MASARI: ...won't be possible. Outside, Dixon tries to get some help from a guard to repair the truck. DIXON: Can I get some water? It's overheated. GUARD: I can't leave my post. The guard's walkie talkie beeps. He answers it. GUARD: Of course. Right away. As the guard reaches for his weapon, Dixon pulls a gun out of the engine bay and shoots the guard in the leg, who falls to the ground. Tom and Rachel roll out from under the truck. They approach the downed guard with their guns drawn. DIXON: (holding a gun to the guard) Where are the prisoners? Dixon and the team approach the door to Masari's compound. DIXON: I need help! When the guard inside opens the door to respond, Dixon quickly shoots him. DIXON: (to Rachel) Cover the entrance. (to Tom) Come on! Tom and Dixon approach a short hallway where three of Masari's men are guarding the prisoners' room. At the corner, Tom throws a flashbang grenade toward the guards, stunning them and allowing Tom and Dixon to take the guards out. Tom opens the door and finds Jack and a wounded Elizabeth. JACK: She needs medical attention. TOM: You don't look so good yourself. (to Elizabeth) You okay? ELIZABETH: Yeah. DIXON: An extraction team is standing by. I'll call for them. RACHEL: Yeah. TOM: We've got them. RACHEL: And Masari? TOM: He and Sark are still missing. Rachel draws her gun and goes to look for them. She opens the door to Masari's office and finds something beeping. She calls APO. SYDNEY: Yeah. RACHEL: Sydney, it's me. SYDNEY: Oh, thank God. How's my father? RACHEL: He's alive, but we've got another problem. Rachel has found Sark handcuffed to the MPB. The timer on the bomb is at 8 minutes and 30 seconds. SYDNEY: Can we evacuate? MARSHALL: No. There's not enough time. They won't get very far. SYDNEY: Rachel, we're gonna talk you through this. Rachel walks up to the bomb. Sark looks up at her dubiously. MARSHALL: Okay, Rachel, there should be a front panel. Do you see that? RACHEL: Uh... (examining the bomb) Yeah. It's screwed in. Sark continues to try to undo his handcuffs. MARSHALL: Great. Just unscrew it. RACHEL: Unscrew it? With what? SARK: Might I suggest something sharp? RACHEL: Hold on. Rachel looks around and find a letter opener on Masari's desk. RACHEL: Here. Rachel uses the letter opener to unscrew the panel. RACHEL: (to Sark) So what happened? SARK: I underestimated my friendship with Masari. He assumed I was betraying him, and he took the money and he left. RACHEL: Oh. So then he knows you pretty well. SARK: Mmm. Rachel lifts the panel off. A control board with wires slides out from the side of the device. RACHEL: Okay, I unscrewed the front panel. Now what? MARSHALL: Okay. If this bomb works on microwave energy, it should have a coaxial capacitor bank. Do you see that? RACHEL: Uh, maybe. I don't know. SYDNEY: It should be attached to a power source. RACHEL: Okay, I found it. MARSHALL: Okay, great. You need to jam the pulse. RACHEL: How? MARSHALL: Reroute the wires to a neutral bank. Rachel disconnects and reconnects a couple of wires. Sark watches Rachel work, concerned. She picks up a pair of scissors to cut a wire. RACHEL: Okay. SARK: Wait. Rachel looks over at Sark. SARK: If that's the wrong wire - RACHEL: I thought you liked risks. SARK: I also like my body. As I recall, you do, too. Rachel cuts the wire, but the timer continues to count down. RACHEL: It's still armed. MARSHALL: That's okay. It's okay. Um. You just need to disable the compression generator. Look for a wire running to the microwave antenna. RACHEL: Okay. SARK: Don't you want to get Dixon? No offense, but you haven't had the best judgment lately. RACHEL: Okay, I got it. MARSHALL: Cut that. That should work. SYDNEY: Should or will? MARSHALL: Should. Rachel gets ready to cut the wire. Sark closes his eyes. RACHEL: Just so we're clear -you approached me. You were the one that was stupid enough to let me into your room. And afterwards, you were the one that wanted to cuddle. Rachel cuts the wire. The bomb shuts down. RACHEL: It's disarmed. SYDNEY: That was spectacular, Rachel. RACHEL: Thank you. SYDNEY: (to Marshall) About what you just heard... MARSHALL: Don't need to know, don't want to know. Outside the compound, a medical team has bandaged Elizabeth's hand. JACK: I've spoken with the driver. There's a plane waiting in Tunis. You'll be in a London hospital by nightfall. ELIZABETH: Wish Sydney well for me. JACK: I'm sorry, Elizabeth. ELIZABETH: Don't be. Jack takes Elizabeth's hand. Elizabeth holds his hand tightly for a moment before she is wheeled away into the ambulance. Inside, Dixon and Tom meet with Sark. DIXON: About your payment... SARK: You'd love to arrest me right now, wouldn't you? DIXON: Next time. TOM: Give us the account number, we'll wire you your fee. SARK: Don't bother. This one's a freebie. On the way out, Sark nods to Rachel, who seems pleased. (INT. APO - DAY) SYDNEY: (on the phone) You sure you don't need anything? I could stop by on my way home. JACK: I'm fine. I'm just... exhausted. SYDNEY: That's understandable. JACK: Why don't we meet for breakfast? I'll come by and pick you up. SYDNEY: That'd be great. Dad... if anything had happened, and I couldn't have been there... JACK: Sydney, you did exactly what I would have wanted. You and the baby are all that matters. SYDNEY: I love you, Dad. Sleep well. Sydney hangs up the phone just as Dixon walks into her office. She gets up and gives Dixon a hug. Meanwhile, Jack plays the piano alone in his house. Despite what he told Elizabeth, clearly, he still plays.

A rogue element in MI-6 is testing an MPB (Micro Pulse Bomb) which incinerates people but leaves equipment intact. Through old contacts Jack learns the identity of the designer. Rachel goes to a conference in São Paulo, Brazil (should be Rio de Janeiro, because the conference is at a Beach Hotel, and there's no beach in São Paulo) to bug the designer's laptop. Under the cover name "Bob Brown", Julian Sark is there to do the same thing. Both do so successfully, and after a few drinks go back to his room for sex. In Brazil, Jack witnesses an arms transaction of a much larger MPB; one that ends in an ambush. The team realizes that Sark was the leak. Rachel and Sydney hire him. Jack and his companion are taken prisoner and moved to Tunisia. Sark arranges to buy the prisoners but gets double-crossed and is handcuffed to the bomb. Rachel manages to disarm it at last. Includes the sentence "What's a little treason between old friends?"

fd_The_Big_Bang_Theory_07x18

fd_The_Big_Bang_Theory_07x18_0

Scene: The apartment. Amy: Should you really be sitting in Sheldon's spot? Raj: He's in Texas, he'll never know. Penny: I wouldn't be so sure about that. Leonard: Yeah, he has a very sensitive butt. Well, it's true. Once I saw him sit on a bunch of loose change and add it up. Raj: Have you heard from Howard? Bernadette: I did. His talk at NASA went great. Penny: Sheldon didn't heckle him? Bernadette: No, in fact, he was so well-behaved, Howie bought him a Buzz Aldrin bobble head and astronaut ice cream. Stuart: Hey, guys. Amy: Oh, hi. Bernadette: Hi, Stuart. Raj: Hey, Stuart! Stuart: How's it going? Raj: Good. Sheldon's out of town, so we can do whatever we want. We even ordered from the Thai place he doesn't like. Stuart: Oh, how is it? Penny: Disgusting. Do not tell him. Leonard: What do you guys want to do tonight? Amy: I don't know. Bernadette: Well, I told Howie if I wasn't busy, I'd spend the night at his mom's. So for God's sake, think of something. Raj: Stuart? Are you okay? Stuart: No, I don't feel so... Leonard: Oh, my God, Stuart? Penny: Oh, my God, you guys need to do something! Raj: Stuart? Leonard: Calling 911. Raj: Well, it's too late. Leonard: What do you mean it's too late? Raj: He's been murdered by someone in this room. Penny: Oh, my God. Leonard: Oh, come on. Raj: Welcome to another classic Koothrappali murder mystery dinner. Amy: I'm leaving. Raj: You can't leave. You're a suspect in the mysterious murder of Stuart Bloom. Bernadette: I didn't know his last name was Bloom. Amy: Yeah, it's Bloom. Penny: Are you really gonna lie on the floor and pretend to be dead all night? Stuart: What do you think I was gonna do at home? Credits sequence. Scene: The apartment. Penny: Are you gonna make us pretend to be a bunch of lame characters with silly accents? Raj: Lame characters with silly ac..., what kind of actress are you? Penny: You're right, I'm sorry. Sounds like fun. Raj: Thank you. Penny: That kind of actress. This sucks. Leonard: Come on, guys. Raj put a lot of effort into this. And that's great. It's not sad, it's great. Amy: I think it might be fun to be someone else tonight. Raj: Actually, you're all just gonna be yourselves. Amy: Oh, ugh. Bernadette: All right, if I'm doing this, I'm playing to win, so just to be clear, if we're ourselves, that means one of us killed Stuart? Raj: Very good, Bernadette. You are a regular Byomkesh Bakshi. Bernadette: What is that, like, the Indian Sherlock Holmes? Raj: Or is Sherlock Holmes the English Byomkesh Bakshi? Amy: According to Wikipedia, Sherlock Holmes came first. Raj: Great, everyone's a Byomkesh Bakshi. Now, here are some secret facts about each of you, including whether you are the murderer. Throughout the game, feel free to ask each other questions to uncover clues. Penny: Got it. Hey, who's the murderer? Raj: Any question but that. Penny: Sorry. Hey, who's not the murderer? Stuart: Bernadette, can you not stand so close to me? Bernadette: What do you care? You're dead. Stuart: Suit yourself. But I can kind of see up your skirt. Scene: A hire car. Sheldon: Thank you for my bobble head. Howard: Thank you for not making fun of me during my speech. Sheldon: It wasn't easy. Was it Buzz? Howard: We can't show up to your mom's empty-handed. We should bring something. Sheldon: I already am. I'm bringing the gift of knowledge. Howard: Oh, boy. Sheldon: Despite what her Bible says, recent archaeological studies indicate that although camels are referenced in the Old Testament, they didn't exist in the Middle East until hundreds of years later. Howard: I was gonna say we pick up a cake or a pie. But an insult to her faith is always thoughtful. Scene: The apartment. Bernadette: So, what happens next? Raj: I can't tell you that. But perhaps the killer dropped a fun and imaginative clue somewhere in the apartment. Penny: Ooh, I'm gonna check the fridge, and see if there are any clues inside a beer. Amy: Hey, I found something. It looks like a little man with a briefcase. Leonard: Oh, no, no. That's Clarence Darrow. It's from a game Sheldon made up called Chutes and Lawyers. You slide down a chute and then work your way back up through the appellate system. Raj: Well, unlike that, my games are much more fun. Penny: Okay, can I ask you something? Why do you like making us do this stuff? Raj: Well, I guess it goes back to when I was a fat kid in India, and didn't have any friends. Bernadette: I didn't know you were fat. Raj: Yeah, I was. I was 200 pounds by the time I was in middle school. Kids were mean. Cows may be sacred there, but it doesn't help if you look like one. Anyway, I was pretty lonely, so I had to make up my own stories and games, and I promised myself if I ever made any friends that, that I would play those games with them. Amy: That is so sweet. Leonard: I've seen old pictures of you. You were never a fat kid. Raj: No, I was svelte as a gazelle. A gazelle blessed with a flair for storytelling. Bernadette: Hey, what about this? It looks like a receipt. Amy: What's it for? Bernadette: For a cup of coffee. But it's dated 20 years from now. Raj: From the future? How fun and imaginative. Leonard: So one of us came back from the future to murder Stuart? Raj: Correct. Leonard: Does the gazelle with a flair for storytelling know he's just ripping off Terminator? Raj: Does the smart-ass know that Terminator was actually ripped off from an Outer Limits script called Demon With a Glass Hand, by Harlan Ellison? Leonard: Oh, does the gazelle know that according to Harlan Ellison, it was not ripped off from Demon With a Glass Hand, but was ripped off from another Outer Limits script he wrote called The Soldier? Penny: I'm gonna need another clue. Scene: Sheldon's childhood home. Howard: Okay, give me the flowers and pie. Sheldon: But if we show up and you're holding them, she'll think they're only from you. Howard: They are only from me. You said the gift of you was enough. Sheldon: Yes, but now that I've seen what the gift of me with flowers and pie looks like, there's no going back. Boy, I can't wait to see the look on her face. We're leaving right now. Howard: What's wrong? Sheldon: Nothing. Howard: What? Sheldon, tell me what's going on. Sheldon: I saw my mommy with a naked man and she was trying to be a mommy again. Scene: A bar in Texas. Howard: You ready to talk about it? Sheldon: I'm not nearly drunk enough. Okay. Do you have any idea what it's like to see your mother ravaging someone? Howard: Does a brisket count? I'm sorry, buddy, that's rough. But didn't she know we were coming? Sheldon: No. I wanted to surprise her. What am I supposed to say to her after something like this? Howard: Well, did she see you in the window? Sheldon: No. Howard: Then don't say anything. Sheldon: I have to. How can we ever hope to have a healthy relationship if I don't tell her how disappointed I am, and that I'll never forgive her? Howard: Well, don't do it on the phone. Sheldon: No, I'm just going to tell her I'm coming so she can give that good time Charlie the heave-ho. Howard: That's some tough talk, I may need to cut you off. Sheldon: Yeah, maybe you better, I took a pretty big sip. Howard: Look, she's a grown woman. And, and your dad's been gone a long time. Maybe this is none of your business. Sheldon: I beg to differ. I used to live in those genitals. And if someone wants to move into my old room, I should at least get a vote. Scene: The apartment. Raj: Okay, murder suspects, Leonard has found the time machine the killer must've used. You're all inside it, and we hurtle through the very fabric of time. And welcome to 20 years in the future. Hey, you guys just time-travelled. Stop looking so bored. Penny: Well, my beer isn't flat and my rack's not saggy. So far, the future's great. Stuart: Hey, can I go to the bathroom? Raj: Fine, just try not to look too alive. Stuart: That's my jam. Bernadette: So one of us went back in time to kill Stuart? Amy: But why? Raj: Perhaps this will help. Here are some facts about yourselves in the future that might contain a clue. Amy: Hey, I won the Nobel Prize in physiology, then I used the money to buy Stuart's comic book store, and close it down so Sheldon would pay attention to me. Not the worst idea. Penny: Hey, I'm a famous actress living in London. Leonard: Hmm, I'm a professor at Stanford. Penny: Hmm. Bernadette: So I guess you two are making it work long distance. Raj: Oh, no. In this game, as your careers both took off, you drifted apart. Kind of like how future me lost touch with you guys after I became boy toy for the wrinkled, but still flexible, Madonna. Amy: What does your card say, Bernadette? Leonard: Uh, uh, uh, hang on. Do you think we'd really drift apart if we both became successful? Penny: Of course not. If I became a famous actress and had to move, you would just come with me. Leonard: But if I get a chance to be a tenured professor, I might not have that much choice in where I end up. Penny: Yeah, but if I become a successful actress, we wouldn't need the money. Leonard: Well, you don't go into science for the money. Bernadette: Speak for yourself. Last month, my company both invented and cured Restless Eye Syndrome. Ka-ching, ya blinky chumps. Penny: So, wait, if my career took me somewhere else, you might not go? Amy: Dun, dun, dun. He started it. Raj: Okay, okay, guys, new back stories. Uh, Penny and Leonard, you two lovebirds are super successful and living in New York. Uh, you're an actress, you're a professor and you have three beautiful kids. Leonard: Great. Penny: Really? You think I'm putting this body through three kids? Scene: Sheldon's childhood home. Sheldon: Okay, let's do this. Howard: Good luck. Sheldon: You, aren't you gonna come with me? Howard: While you confront your mother about her s*x life? I'd rather go back to that bar in ass-less chaps. Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Mother? (Knock, knock, knock) Mother? (Knock, knock, knock) Mother? Mrs Cooper: Shelly, I'm so glad you're here. Sheldon: I saw you having naked s*x. Mrs Cooper: What are you talking about? Sheldon: Earlier, I came here to surprise you. I looked in the window and I saw you with a man. Mrs Cooper: Oh, Shelly, I'm so sorry. Come in. Um, maybe we should sit down and talk about this. Sheldon: Can you recommend a surface you haven't had coitus on? Mrs Cooper: That's not funny. Maybe we should sit at the table. Well, I'm sure that, uh, you have a lot of questions. Sheldon: Who was he? Mrs Cooper: His name is Ron. I met him at my prayer group. Sheldon: How long have you been involved with him? Mrs Cooper: A few months. Sheldon: And of those few months, how long have you been a demented s*x pervert? Mrs Cooper: That is no way to speak to your mother. Sheldon: Perhaps not. But it is a way to speak to a woman who quoted the Bible to me my whole life, and then desecrates one of Ethan Allen's finest sofas. Mrs Cooper: I will give you one opportunity, young man, to apologize. Sheldon: Or what? Mrs Cooper: Or I will send you to your room. Sheldon: That's ridiculous. I am a grown man. I am a professional scientist. And I currently occupy the moral high ground. Mrs Cooper: Go to your room. Sheldon: But I occupy the moral high ground. Mrs Cooper: Go to your room. Sheldon: But I'm a professional scientist. Mrs: Go to your room! Sheldon: I'm a grown man. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene: The apartment. Raj: Can we please get back to the game? Leonard: In a minute. I don't understand why any success you have in acting is more important than any I have in science. Penny: Okay, if you do something cool in science, you might change the world. If I become a famous actress, I'm not gonna tell you why movie stars are the best. They just are. Amy: I'm surprised you guys never talked about this stuff. Leonard: Like you and Sheldon have everything figured out? Amy: Actually, our relationship agreement covers a wide array of scenarios, including career changes, financial instability, intelligent dog uprising. FYI, we plan on selling out the human race hard. Penny: In 20 years, who knows what'll happen with any of us? Stuart: I think you and Leonard will be together. Penny: You do? Stuart: Yeah. I think you're the best couple I know. Leonard: Aw. Penny: That's so sweet. Bernadette: What the hell? Amy: Excuse me? Penny: Ah-da-da-da-da, let the dead man talk. So, why do you think that? Stuart: Uh, well, I feel like you guys make each other better. Penny brought Leonard out of his shell. And it seems like Leonard makes Penny think more deeply about the world. I don't know. Together, you two kind of make one awesome person. Penny: Aw, Stuart. Now I feel bad for murdering you. Raj: Oh, come on. Bernadette: Penny did it, I win. Suck it, jackasses. Scene: Sheldon's old bedroom. Howard: Hey, can I come in? Sheldon: Apparently any man is welcome in this house. Why not you? I thought you were waiting in the car. Howard: That was an hour ago, Sheldon. A Jew sits in front of a house in Texas that long, For Sale signs start to go up. I take it things didn't go smoothly with your mom. Sheldon: No. I'm not sure how we're going to get past this. Howard: You know, I, I sort of went through something like this myself. Sheldon: Howard, we've all seen your mother naked. That woman needs to learn how to tie a robe. Howard: I'm talking about when my mom started seeing someone a couple of years after my dad left. Sheldon: I didn't know she did. Howard: Yeah, she was dating this guy, and I was kind of a jerk to her about it. Sheldon: What did you do? Howard: Well, let's just say it was the most vicious bar mitzvah speech in the history of Temple Beth El. Anyway, she broke up with him. And she's basically been alone ever since. She never said it, but I always felt I was the reason why. Sheldon: I'm sorry. Although, based on your story, you absolutely were the reason why. Howard: All I'm saying is you might not want to get in the way of your mom's happiness. Sheldon: You may have a point. I love my mother. Even if she fornicates like a demonic weasel. Howard: And the healing begins. Scene: Mrs Cooper's living room. Sheldon: Hello. Mrs Cooper: Hello. Are you ready to discuss this calmly, like adults? Sheldon: I am. Mrs Cooper: Shelly, I'm sorry that you saw what you saw. I know that this is hard for you. Sheldon: I think what most upsets me about it, Mother, is the hypocrisy. Doesn't this contradict all the religious rules you've been espousing your whole life? Mrs Cooper: You're right, it does, and it's something that I'm struggling with these days. Sheldon: Then why are you doing it? Mrs Cooper: Because I'm not perfect, Shelly. And that man's booty is. Sheldon: Well, this is confusing for me. But I don't want to stand in the way of your happiness. So, I'll condemn you internally while maintaining an outward appearance of acceptance. Mrs Cooper: That is very Christian of you. Sheldon: Mother, if you're going to conduct your life in this fashion, then I should let you know that the world has changed since you were a young woman. You know, it's not all sock hops, soda jerks and segregation anymore. Mrs Cooper: How old do you think I am? Sheldon: My point is that you're going to need to be careful. You used to be protected by your pre-Enlightenment mythology, but now you're going to need a stronger friend named latex. Mrs Cooper: Are you having the s*x talk with me? Sheldon: Well, someone has to. Mrs Cooper: Oh, dear Lord. Sheldon: No, don't look to Him. He's mad at you right now. Scene: The apartment. Penny: Oh, come on, don't pout. I'm sorry I ruined your game. Raj: I'm not pouting, I'm brooding. Which is how sexy men pout. Amy: It actually was kind of fun. Raj: You're just saying that. Amy: Yeah. Bernadette: I liked the time travel element. Raj: Thank you. I thought it was inspired. Leonard: It was. By Terminator. Bernadette: Well, I hope 20 years from now, we really are all still together and still friends. Penny: Definitely. Leonard: Of course. Well, hey, how about this? Whether we're friends, not friends, scattered around the world, no matter what, let's all promise to meet in front of this building exactly 20 years from tonight at 8:00 p.m. and have dinner like we always do. Bernadette: Aw. Penny: I love it. Leonard: Putting it in my phone right now. Penny: Yeah, me, too. Stuart: My phone doesn't have a calendar. So I'll just write it on my hand. Raj: And it's done. Penny: Yup, we're all in. Leonard: All right, I'll see you guys in 20 years. Scene: In front of the building, 20 years later. Stuart: I knew it.

Sheldon and Howard drop in on Sheldon's mother Mary to surprise her, but flee after Sheldon sees her through the window having sex. Sheldon returns, gets into an argument, and is sent to his room. After Howard tells him he once drove away an admirer of his mother, Sheldon apologizes to Mary, saying he will outwardly accept her choice while inwardly condemning her hypocrisy in going against her religious beliefs. She forgives him and commends his good Christian attitude. The rest of the gang is roped into a murder mystery dinner arranged by Raj, with Stuart as the corpse. "Traveling" to the future envisioned by Raj, Leonard and Penny broke up because of their successful careers. The pair argue what they would do if one were required to abandon a dream for the other's success. Stuart believes that Leonard and Penny will end up together and says they are the best couple he knows. He reasons that Penny made Leonard more confident while Leonard made Penny think more deeply about the world. Penny is touched and accidentally reveals being the murderer, ruining Raj's game. Leonard suggests that whatever happens, they all meet in front of the apartment in 20 years for dinner. When the time finally comes, only Stuart shows up. After it gets dark, he looks at his watch and despondently says, "I knew it" before walking away.

fd_Justified_05x04

fd_Justified_05x04_0

[PREVIOUSLY_ON] He said he would pay me if-- if I found out when the drugs were coming in, so I found out. Boyd: She got a cellphone on her? [ Sniffles ] Boyd: Hello, Cousin Johnny. Yeah, well, Mr. Crowder ain't going to court. What? You're just gonna let him skate? No. I want you to kill him. Boyd: Now, the money I offered Paxton-- how about that ends up under your mattress? In exchange for what? Boyd: Telling him you did as he asked, put a bullet in the back of my head. Raylan: Rode Dickie Bennett's shirttails out of Tramble, on account of the scandal? How'd you know? Raylan: It's protocol to tell me when a known felon who's tried to kill me a couple times has been released. Dewey: Why did you do that to Messer? I've been... skimming, Dewey. Dewey: You son of a bitch! Boyd put me up to it. He didn't give me no choice. Dewey: You're gonna kill him? Darryl: No, Dewey. You are. Dewey: It's right down here. [ Sighs ] How come you keep your money all the way up here? Dewey: I got money squirreled all over, lest some fool happen across the whole chunk at once and clean me out. Well, I guess that's smart. Dewey: Hell yeah, it's smart. All we got to do is dig it up, pack our sh1t, and we're out of here. Put my cousin and all them assholes in our rearview. You bring the shovel? Jesus Christ, Messer. That's all we got to dig with? You said bring a shovel. This is my shovel. Dewey: Well, are you a midget? 'Cause that is a midget shovel. It's from my Boy Scouts for camping. I got it when I was a Webelo. Dewey: What the hell is a Webelo? It's kind of a Boy Scout. They run me off, but I kept my shovel. Dewey: Go on, then. Dig. Hell, you're right on the spot. Right here? Dewey: Yep. You ain't gonna help? Dewey: Well, I didn't bring my shovel 'cause you said you had one. It's not my fault it's some Webelo piece of sh1t. All right, well, I guess... I ought to be thankful. I thought I was a dead man back there for sure. But here I am making a clean start. Dewey: Oh, sh1t. You all right? Dewey: Just dig, Messer. Keep digging. Damn it. So is-- is all the money buried here? Or are we gonna have to dig somewheres else? [ Grunting ] Dewey. [ Gunshot ] [ Grunts ] [ Both grunting ] Dewey: Son of a bitch. [ Panting ] Messer? Wade? Wade?! Where are you, man? This ain't funny. on this lonely road trying to make it home doing it by my lonesome pissed off, who wants some? I'm fighting for my soul God get at your boy you try to bogard fall back, I go hard on this lonely road trying to make it home doing it by my lonesome pissed off, who wants some? I see them long, hard times to come Art: Raylan? Raylan: Sorry. Parts of what you said are just confusing to me. Which parts? Raylan: The part where we're running a confidential informant in Harlan County. The part where that CI is Wade Messer informing on Boyd Crowder. But kind of mostly the part where you felt like you couldn't tell me about it. Both: We're telling you about it now. Raylan: How did you ever believe Messer would be a reliable CI? He is a reliable CI. Raylan: Oh, yeah? He gave us a heroin stamp house affiliated to Crowder just last week. Raylan: Oh. How did that go? Did you come away with any product? Not this time. Picked off a couple boys from his crew, though. Raylan: Yeah. You got some baby laxative, a couple hundred baggies, and two knuckleheads who don't know sh1t about Boyd or anything else, how is this not on the front page? Art: Well, the good news is you don't have to worry about the big picture about Wade Messer or even Boyd Crowder. All you have to worry about's finding Wade Messer. Raylan: You know the man set me up to be killed? Art: So I recall. Raylan: He's a drug addict and a board-certified imbecile. Art: Shouldn't be too hard to find him, then. Messer had a phone we provided him with. Was supposed to call us on it last night, and he failed to do so. Art: Phone GPS put him at a certain location in Harlan County. Hasn't moved. Audry's, no E. Familiar with the place? Raylan: I'm acquainted, yes. Art: And I know Messer took a swipe at you. That's why I'm sending Tim along. Keep you from bumbling into some sh1t that I have to clean up later. Dewey: [ Panting ] Come on. Oh, sh1t. I'm lost. Help! Hey! Johnny: You're looking thin, cousin. Boyd: Well, I have had more time on the elliptical now that I don't have to spend it wondering how and when you're gonna stab me in the back. Johnny: Where's Teri? Boyd: Well, uh, she should be dropped off right... now. Johnny: Ava... I sure do hate seeing you here like this. Doesn't seem right. Ava: Don't feel bad, Johnny. I would have had Boyd string you up till I got out just to watch him skin you like a rabbit. Johnny: I guess that's why we're all meeting here... where ain't any one of us can pull on the other. Boyd: Well, I figured a parley behind the confines of metal detectors might keep everybody's mind on what's important. Johnny: And what is so important that you saw fit to lure me out here to the county jail on such a beautiful day? Boyd: Oh, you really got to ask? After you hit a delivery intended for me. Johnny: I don't know what delivery you're talking about, cousin. Boyd: Well, specifics ain't that important. What's important is the question of reparations and restitution. Johnny: Let us start with how you are gonna make reparations for me taking a belly full of buckshot on account of you finding Jesus for a minute. Boyd: Cousin Johnny, your resentments do harbor some grain of truth, but they are far removed in the history of wrongdoings that you've perpetrated over-- Johnny: Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah! sh1t. I just about forgot how much I hate the sound of your voice-- using every word in the Webster's without ever saying a damn thing. Boyd: You want me to get to the point? Johnny: Yeah, 25 words or less. You tell me why I should give a sh1t. Boyd: How about one word-- money. Johnny: Meaning what? You need some? Boyd: Oh, well, everybody needs money, Cousin Johnny. I'm saying there's a lot to be made if we can set aside our differences for a minute. Johnny: [ Chuckles ] You've got to be kidding me. Boyd: I'm not. I'm serious as the Pope, Johnny. Now, we wouldn't be the first dysfunctional family to ever make a profit. Ava: Hmm. Johnny: Well, now, see, the thing is, Boyd... I did not come here to see you. I came here to see Ava. And now that I have, as far as I'm concerned, this meeting is done. You should have done right by me, cousin. I was a believer for a while. When you come to your senses, sweetheart... you drop me a line. I'll come for you. Boyd: Guard. You on him? He's cut south. Ain't heading to Lexington. Boyd: Stay on him. Give him plenty of lead. He pulls off, you pass him up and wait somewhere he can't see you. I know how to tail a mark, Boyd. Boyd: Well, you ain't never tailed a Crowder before. Raylan: Let's just keep those hands where we can see them. Kendal: You got a warrant? Raylan: How do you know we're even cops? Kendal: 'Cause I ain't stupid. What you got behind the bar there? Kendal: Sawed off .410. Raylan: Good choice. Now, my partner's gonna come back there and secure that weapon. You're gonna back up and let him do so. Are we all clear on what's gonna happen next? Tim: .410, huh? [ Bottle clinks ] You know, we might have shot you. Kendal: You'd shoot a kid holding a baseball bat? Wouldn't look too good. What are y'all doing? Tim: Whatever we want. Raylan: Doesn't Wade Messer usually run the bar? Kendal: What do you want with him? Raylan: Just to talk. What did you say your name was? Kendal: I didn't. It's Kendal. Raylan: Kendal Crowe? Huh. I guess I missed you when I was down in your neck. What brings you up from Florida, Kendal Crowe? Kendal: What business is that of yours? Raylan: You got your brother's charm. He around? Kendal: You see him around? Raylan: What about your cousin Dewey? Kendal: You best get your eyes checked, you have to ask. Tim: That's his number. History shows only calls made to one number in Lexington-- likely Vasquez. Raylan: Well, Messer ain't the brightest bulb in the makeup mirror, but he'd know better than to use a government phone around Boyd. So he's got another phone. Raylan: Tell your brother I said hey. Dewey: [ Panting ] God, I ain't prayed in a while. [ Sniffles ] It's just-- I... Listen, I ain't fixing to die out here in the woods like some animal. You hear me? That's bullshit. Jesus, if you help me find him, once I kill him, I swear, I'll straighten up. I'll go to church, Sunday school, whatever you want. But, God damn it, I got to get this thing done, you understand? I ain't ever asked you for sh1t! Least you could do is-- Well, hallelujah. Tim: That the tree Messer strung you up on, let Dickie Bennett work you with a fungo bat? Raylan: Think Dickie did the stringing. Messer was more of an accessory. Tim: What say we go in, poke around? Raylan: He ain't here. Tim: Or he's dead in the back room, just inches away from the phone could have saved his life. Raylan: That is one possibility. Tim: You don't seem all that excited about finding our guy. Raylan: Well, he did set me up to die. Maybe my investment into his well-being is a little shaky. Tim: I want to check the door. Raylan: So check the door. [ Dog barking ] Tim: Dog, dog, dog! Holy sh1t. Raylan: Did it get you? Tim: No, but I think something just came between me and my Calvins. Danny: Hey! Hey! Who the hell are you pointing your guns at my dog? Tim: US Marshals. Could you please restrain this animal? Danny: What can I do you for? Raylan: Chain it up before we have to paint the yard with it. Danny: [ Whistles ] Chelsea! [ Barking stops ] Come here, baby. That's right. Yeah. My little chocolate lover. [ Chuckles ] Y'all well can come down now. Raylan: Danny, right? Danny Crowe. Danny: Same. Raylan: You're the one that had that big old mastiff just about took my leg off in Clewiston. Danny: Yeah. That was Mitzi. She's one special animal. Kissing cousin to this one right here. Ain't that right, baby? Yeah. Raylan: Chelsea's got a big set of balls on her. [ Dog barking ] Danny: Hey, buddy, do yourself a favor-- don't talk about my dog again. Tim: How is it you come to be living in Wade Messer's house, Danny Crowe? Danny: Well, I'm his roommate now that I landed. Raylan: That's a sitcom I'd pay to see. Danny: Well, he ain't here now. You boys are more than welcome to take a look around. I ain't got nothing to hide. I'm sure little Chelsea here would love to show you around. Ain't that right, girl? That's right. Yeah. Pleasure's all mine. Dewey: [ Panting ] [ Groans ] Dewey: Son of a bitch. [ Strained ] Help me. Please. Dewey: Don't look at me, man. I'm sorry, man. Don't look at me. Help me. You okay, mister? You lost? You look pretty bad. Dewey: Yeah, I'm lost. Don't come any closer. Why not? Dewey: Well, I-I got bit by something. I might be contagious. I think maybe you got sunstroke, mister. Dewey: Just-- just-- just stay there. Okay? Oh, my lord. What has happened to you? Dewey: Y-y-y'all just-- y-y'all just stay there, okay? I mean it. I-I know you're confused, honey, but it's gonna be all right. We're here to help you. Vince, clear a spot on the back for him. Dewey: All right, all right, all right! I'll come to you. I'll come to you, all right? Just-- just let let me-- I-I'm gonna walk down. Just-- I'll come to you, okay? Okay. Of course, honey. Y-you just come on down to us. Just-- easy does it. You stuck, mister? Dewey: No, I'm good. I got it. [ Wheezing ] Help. Help. Dewey: Oh, God! Oh, God, my head! It hurts! We got to get him out of here. Dewey: I think I'm gonna faint. We've got to get him out of here pronto. He's losing it. Darryl: Now, l-let me get this all straight. We got US Marshals banging on doors all over town, plus Dewey and the dipshit we sent him to kill are both MIA. Is that about right, or am I leaving something out? Danny: Well, we are out of wild turkey. Darryl: Y'all understand how that's bad, right? Kendal: What are federals after some needledick hillbilly over, anyway? Darryl: They ain't. They after me. This is the same marshal that put me in Starke. He got a bone to pick. So here he is. Danny: Well, you know what I say. Darryl: Yeah, Danny, I know what you want to do. You want to kill him, right? You want to execute a government official because what? He insulted your dumbass dog, Chicklet. Danny: Her name is Chelsea. Jean Baptiste: If we kill him now, it means we go again. Darryl: Right. Jean Baptiste: But this time, they follow us forever. Danny: God damn it. I told you that I should have killed Messer. Darryl: And I told you it's Dewey's turn. I got my reasons, so let's not waste time and go over it again. Jean Baptiste: So what you want to do? Darryl: I want to find my cousin Dewey and make sure he took care of business. And if he didn't, I'm gonna take care of business, which may mean taking care of Dewey. Everybody understand the gravity of what I'm talking about here? Jean Baptiste: Mm-hmm. Darryl: Yes? All right, Kendal, go on and take care of the bar. Danny: Bitch. Kendal: We are out of wild turkey. Darryl: Yeah, I heard as much, and I'm gonna file that under "Least of our goddamn problems." You coming? Something funny, darling? Ava: No. Nothing. Mm. Where we off to this fine afternoon? Ava: Dining hall. Been eating all right since you processed? A lot of white girls have trouble keeping food down. Get too skinny in here. It's unbecoming. Ava: [ Chuckles ] What is it we're talking about here exactly? We're just having a conversation, is all. I'm Albert, by the way. Ava: Well, Albert, I'm not feeling much more like conversating. Maybe I'm just a little peckish. Yeah, some girls get peckish. Mm-hmm. Maybe take to squirreling away foodstuffs in their cells, huh? Help mitigate those hunger pains in the night. Ava: Oh, so you're here to toss the cell? Well, go on. Do what you got to do. [ Chuckles ] Ava: [ Chuckles ] What were you smirking at when I come in? Ava: Nothing. Girl, you "Nothing" me again, I will smash your face into that toilet till there ain't nothing left to recognize. Now answer my question. Ava: I was thinking, "Aren't you a little short for a Stormtrooper?" You're a pretty girl, huh? Like maybe-- maybe not like you once was, but pretty enough. I give you a compliment. Don't that get me a "Thank you," at least? Ava: Thank you. You're welcome. Now disrobe and bend over. Ava: What? You heard me. Ava: Bullshit. Good. Tell me how I'm gonna regret this, huh? I love it. Now you disrobe and bend over or I'm just gonna have to make you. Ava: Get off of me! Officer Fekus? I-I said, "Stop resisting." We good? I said, "Stop resisting." There a problem in here? Ava: I tripped. I grabbed his arm. My bad. Need to be careful in here, lady. This ain't a cotillion. Let's get you to the dining hall. [SCENE_BREAK] Boyd: He still headed west? He'll hit Nashville before too long. I'm gonna need gas soon. Boyd: Well, then, so will be. Now, he stops, you stop somewhere close and use that can I put in the back. Just don't let him out of your sight. Raylan Givens. Well, I'm afraid you caught us with our closed sign up. Now, I'd offer to re-open, but you've yet to spend a dollar in my bar. Raylan: Allow me a minute to collect my wits such to reply. I'm overcome trying to factor how many weapons you're armed with. Boyd: Well, not armed as such. Just transporting goods from point A to point B-- IE, this legally procured hunting implement out to the shed for safekeeping. Raylan: You know Deputy Gutterson. Boyd: Well, I believe we have a friend in common. Or should I say "Had"? Tim: Oh, I'm not sure I'd call him a friend. Boyd: Well, I'm not sure he would, either. Raylan: Felon carrying a firearm. Could violate you, put the wheels in motion for charges. Suppose there'd be some satisfaction, but, at the moment, we have a more pressing concern. I understand Wade Messer worked principally for you. Boyd: Well, your use of the past tense gives me some sense of foreboding. Raylan: Last day or so, the man's wandered some off the radar. Boyd: And what leads you to surmise he has any continued affiliation with me? Raylan: Well, I know he was informing our office on your activities, and I know you know that because you've been feeding him bullshit. Boy, Raylan Givens, I have no idea what it is you're implying. Tim: You fed Messer bullshit so he'd feed the same bullshit to the AUSA, and they could go on thinking he's a viable CI. Raylan: While no doubt using him to strip every dime you could out of Audry's. Tim: And now that their confidential informant's gone missing... Raylan: Horrible thought, but just suppose the man turns up dead somewhere. Absent any clear leads otherwise, it makes you look very shiny as a suspect. Tim: Really kind of the only suspect. Boyd: And suppose he just went fishing. Raylan: You think that's what happened? Boyd: Well, I don't know because he didn't invite me on his fishing trip. Did you try calling him? Tim: We would, but we found his phone at Audry's. Raylan: Smart criminal might consider giving his crew a burner phone, one only the boss knows the number to, thereby minimizing exposure. Boyd: Raylan Givens, are you flattering me? Raylan: Give us the number to his burner, and let's see if he's got it with him on his fishing trip. Boyd: [ Sighs ] Well, now that I have fully cooperated with law enforcement, am I free to go? Raylan: Tim, you mind sticking around, keeping Boyd company a minute? Tim: Well, I was hoping. Raylan: Give me my pen. Boyd: Where you going? Raylan: Find out whether what you gave us is bullshit. I just texted you a number for GPS. Yep. Okay. - [ Telephone ringing ] Art: Mullen. - Art, it's Ed. Listen, you still interested in what went down the night Nicky Augustine was murdered? Art: Yeah. You got a little tidbit for me? - Oh, I've got more than a tidbit. Art: Really? Well, what do you know? - I think it's best if you come up to Detroit tonight. Art: All right. Let me see if I can get up there tonight. All right. Darryl: Nothing? Danny: No. Darryl: Well, then, we keep looking. Meantime, let's get something behind the bar with a little bit more pop, so next time baby brother has something to defend himself with other than his dick? Danny: How about a little sawed-off shorty? Darryl: Yeah, that'd do her. Danny: Yeah. Darryl: Dewey. Hey, man, where you at? Hey-- what? Oh, sh-- are you goddamn crying? Okay, just sit tight, son. Yeah, I'm coming to get you. Yeah. I'm gonna get this all straightened out. Raylan: The owner hadn't seen him, and he called the night lady-- she hadn't either. You sure this is where GPS pings to? It's pretty deserted. No, I think I'll, uh... You know what? Never mind. I think I might have found him. Dewey: Well, see, it's all 'cause Messer brought this little Webelo shovel. Darryl: A what? Dewey: A Webelo shovel. It's like a-- Darryl: D-Dewey, stop, man. I can't even take it. You have any idea at all where he's at now? Huh? Dewey: Yeah, well, we come down this ATV trail next to this little, like, bed-and-breakfast. Now, he ain't gonna be far 'cause he was just about dead when I come up on him. You believe me. Right, Darryl? I mean, the man was-- was dead. I don't know how-- Darryl: How what? How a dead man got up and walked off into the woods? I'm having a little trouble with that one, cousin. Dewey: So what happens now? Darryl: Go up there. We're gonna find him. And if need be, you're gonna finish the job. Dewey: What happens if-- if we don't find him? Darryl: Ooh. Well, that's a whole other situation, then, ain't it? Holy sh1t. [ Police radio chatter ] Looks like your problem got took care of on its own. Lucky for you, cousin. Lucky for you, boy. Boyd: You want to challenge? Did you find everything you were looking for out there, Raylan? Raylan: If everything includes Wade Messer with a couple of bullet holes in him, I supposed I did. Boyd: He's dead? Raylan: Little B&B on Route 3 up in the woods some beyond. Looks like he took a couple pops, then wandered around like a chicken with its head cut off through the woods. Boyd: Well, I'm genuinely sorry to hear that. Raylan: Mm-hmm. Boyd: Well, I'll be on my way. Raylan: Where is it you're in such a hurry to get to, Boyd? Boyd: My life, Raylan, which, no offense, the less you're a part of, the better. What, you're still thinking you're gonna pin this on me? Raylan: I don't know. Tim, what do you think? Tim: History of violence, in a hurry somewhere with a gun, the victim was a CI against him-- I say we let him go. Boyd: Hold on a second. I'm the one who volunteered the very information that led you to the man's body. Now, I am no legal scholar, but I believe I satisfied the writ of habeas corpus of my own volition. Raylan: Boyd, if we thought that you did it, you'd be in a holding cell already, and a happier thought I can scarcely conjure. Boyd: Well, if the Crowes have alighted on the wire as your friend here says, they are your problem, Raylan. Not me. [SCENE_BREAK] Got another one of them? Never took you for a smoker, Crane. Been that kind of day, I guess. It's always that kind of day at this place. Enough to make me want to take a bath in hand sanitizer. That inmate from before-- little blond piece of ass. Can't tell which way she swings, though. Matter of time. Yeah, here's the thing. She's protected, you stupid sh1t. You can't see that? Maybe this eyeball ain't any use to you anymore. No, please. Never again. Understand? Say it. N-never again. Never again. You really do have a nice smile. You know that? [ Door opens and closes ] Dewey: How long are you aiming to keep me locked up like this? Till your dumb ass sobers up and starts acting right. Dewey: You can't keep me in here, Darryl. This is false imprisonment or some sh1t. Darryl: So, what, you gonna call the law on me? Dewey: Well, supposing I did, you son of a bitch, what then? Huh? All that sh1t you made me do, dragging Messer into the woods to kill him-- why'd you make me do that, huh? Why?! Darryl: Hey! Hey! You about done with your little hissy fit? Huh? Can we talk? Dewey: Why did you make me do that? Darryl: I'll tell you why. So I know you a damn Crowe. You're one of us. Dewey: I ain't one of you. Darryl: You ain't? Huh? So go on and run away like a full-blown bitch. Go ahead. But I'll tell you what-- you get out in the world and take to running your mouth about your kin and all the bad sh1t we done, just remember which one of us pulled that trigger on Messer. Yeah, big man. That was all you, boy. All you. Or you can take the plunge, stay with family, be a part of what the Crowes are building here, reap the benefits of that good loyalty. Dewey: Sounds like you're selling me tires. Darryl: Nah, I'm selling you a life, Dewey Crowe. You just got to make a choice. Boyd: Well, that explains why my cousin's got his swagger back. Balls to carry out a hit that size. Who is it? Boyd: You ever heard of Rodney "Hot Rod" Dunham? sh1t. Boyd: "sh1t" is right. But you know what they say-- the bigger they are, the harder they fall. So what? We doing this now? Boyd: Mm. Not tonight. You gonna cut down a tree that size, you need to make sure you bring a very big saw. But soon. Real goddamn soon. Great, great, great. All that checks out. [ Mumbling ] Hey. Got a slug from the body-- .32. Wandered all over the mountain, dogs tracked where it could have went down, but it had already been cleaned up. All they found was the head of some sort of camp shovel. Raylan: It was the Crowes. I don't know which one, but my money's either on Danny or the Haitian. Well, KSP brought them in one and all for questioning, and their stories hold up. Raylan: Plenty of time to get the narrative straight with me poking around all the day of. Yeah, you know, my office likes things simple, and simple is CI informs on a crime boss, turns up dead, said CI is likely to have been killed by said crime boss. What? That's funny? Raylan: What's funny is you calling Boyd Crowder a crime boss. You know what's funny to me? Raylan: Huh? Your continuing insistence that he's not. Raylan: Hey, I wish it was Boyd. I'd put the cuffs on him myself. But you want justice for Wade Messer, start with the Crowes. Interesting. The same Crowes that you had occasion to visit down in Hendry County, Florida? Raylan: Where I was sent. And lo these few weeks later, here they are in Kentucky. What? Did y'all carpool up together? Nice work tracking Messer, though. You're right. Art probably should have told you he was our CI. Raylan: Probably. Hey. Where is Art? Detroit PD picked him up on a missing license plate. He popped with NCIC. It turns out he's a reasonable-sized fish-- some Canadian drug thing. Art: What's his angle? Oh, he'd sell his own dick in a gift box for a ride back across the river to the Queen's whatever. Figured you'd want to hear what he's offering. Art: Thanks. Good luck. [ Door opens ] You the Kentucky guy? [ Door closes ] Art: I'm the Kentucky guy. Oh, The Bluegrass State. Never been. Art: Not sure you're gonna get the chance, looking at your jacket. Well, it's my loss, I'm sure. So what do you want to know? Art: I want to know what happened on the tarmac outside of Lexington the night Nicky Augustine was killed. Look, like I told the last guy, it's all hearsay. Art: I don't care. Well, in my dealings with the late, great psycho shithead Sammy Tonin, he told me a couple times that he had a Kentucky lawman in his pocket or a lawman in Kentucky-- one of the two-- and that he was there the night he took out Nicky Augustine. Art: Continue. That's all. Art: That's all? Mm-hmm. Art: Well, it's up to Chief Kirkland, but I don't think that's gonna get you back up north to your free healthcare. Okay, look, if you want the full story, you have to talk to Picker. He was Sammy's right-hand man until-- well, until he killed him. Art: Picker? Yeah, I don't know if that's a first name, last name, or nom de guerre. Art: Is he still around here? Your lucky day. I think out of fear of what evil henchmen Theo Tonin might still have hanging around, he's laying low in your neck of the woods with a man named Wynn Duffy. Intercom's all screwed up. I didn't hear a thing. Art: [ Chuckles ] So you gonna send him back across the river? Well, might as well. We got too many damn Canadians in this country. Justin Bieber, Celine Dion... Art: Steve Nash. Take care, Art. Alison: [ Breathing heavily ] You good? Raylan: I'm good. Alison: Oh. Raylan: That was just, uh-- Think maybe I was working some stuff out on you, there. Raylan: I'm not complaining. Alison: You staying? Raylan: You want me to stay? Alison: Do whatever you want. You should go. Raylan: Okay. You mean now? Alison: If you're going. Raylan: Did I miss a part of the conversation? Where I said something off-color? Alison: I'm doing a thing, aren't I? Raylan: Maybe. Alison: [ Sighs ] There's this kid-- he's eight. Mom's run off years ago, so dad's taken to chaining him up in the garage. He's got this bucket to do his business in. Sometimes he's not checked on for days, so I pull him out of there. He's barely speaking English. He's blinking in the sunlight like something living in a cave, which I suppose he was. Raylan: This is today? Alison: Got the law and all. Kid hadn't eaten in God knows when. He was like this other species, like something pitiful. Anyway, I'm walking back to the car, and daddy comes at me with a tire iron saying there's no way I'm gonna break up his family, saying that boy's all he's got. He would've beat me to death if the police wasn't there... All 'cause this boy he had chained to a radiator-- worse than you treat your worst enemy-- family. Raylan: Hey, come here. Alison: You staying? Raylan: Yeah, I'm staying. Christ, this smells, don't it? You ought to be used to it by now. What is this? What's this skin? Oh, it's, uh, some kind of racial thing. You think he's gonna turn up? Nah. He's gone. My guess is he's gonna wind up being the subject of some kind of myth or folklore. You know-- "What the hell ever happened to Boyd Crowder?" That'll be that. Mooney, I think you can guarantee come next election, you will no longer be "Acting" Sheriff. Thank you, sir. That'll be all. Mara, honey, when's dinner gonna be ready? I sure did miss your cooking in the hospital. Just a few more minutes. Oh, Lee, now that Boyd's dead, you still want to proceed with the case against Ava Crowder? Hell yes, I want to pursue it. That trash deserves every second she gets inside. She already killed her own husband and walked on that. Good riddance. Okay. Raylan: Party's over, revelers. Leave your drinks where they are. Get the hell out. Us, too? Raylan: Everybody. Everybody except you. Looks like you lost some of that Everglades tan since you landed. Darryl: Come up in here to cause trouble? Huh? Swinging around that big, old federal dick of yours, huh? Is that what you come to do? Or you come to find out about our day manager who's gone missing? 'Cause we done talked to the state's bacon about that already. Raylan: All your stories in lock step. Guess you've had some practice. Darryl: Oh, yeah, we had a whole lot of practice. Raylan: I still can't figure out why you killed him. Whether it was 'cause he was skimming or just in your way. Maybe it was 'cause you knew he was a CI. That's a possibility. Darryl: Unless he was informing on us, and I don't see how he could be, considering we ain't got nothing to inform on. Them reasons don't mean nothing to us. Raylan: True. Okay. Irrespective why you killed Messer, here's the deal. You got to leave this place. You and your people back to Florida, wherever have you, I don't care, but you can't stay here. You understand? Darryl: [ Chuckles ] [ Spits ] Marshal, you know good and well ain't nobody going nowhere. Matter of fact, we came up here to lay down roots. 'Sides, if you had good enough reason to run us out of here, you'd have done it already. Ain't that right? Raylan: Just remember, so when later you're regretting the decision you made, remember I gave you the chance. Darryl: I'll tie a string around my finger, all right? Raylan: Yeah, I'll just be collecting what I came for and be on my way. Darryl: Yeah, what you came for? Raylan: Kendal Crowe. You're coming with me. Darryl: Whoa, whoa. Is that supposed to be funny? Raylan: Not so much funny ha-ha as funny odd. Meaning when I was in here the other day, I found it odd that you had a minor behind the bar in a house of ill repute. Darryl: Kendal? [ Chuckles ] Man, that boy done seen sh1t you and I can't imagine. Raylan: Well, yet here I am with a mandate to remove the minor Kendal Crowe into state's custody. Darryl: Man, don't nobody care about that bullshit. Raylan: It's for the safety and wellbeing of the child. You understand. Time to go. Get what you need. Toothbrush would be good, but CPS will provide anything else, within bounds. Darryl: Kendal, you stay right there. He'll leave out of here over my dead, white body. Raylan: Well, I may just be able to arrange that. Tell your brother he takes any step further out of my line of sight, that'll be the last step he ever takes. Darryl: Talking like that means you don't know my brother Danny. Danny: [ Chuckles ] Raylan: You sure this is how you want it to go down, Darryl? Not for me to say, but I would encourage you to consider what happens after what happens next. Darryl: I considered it, and I don't give a sh1t. You ain't taking my baby brother. This is your last chance to walk up out of here alive. Raylan: It's decided, then. Kendal: I'll go. Darryl: Kendal, you ain't going no-- Kendal: No, Darryl, I'll go. You know what to do. Ain't up to me, but I say we go. Boyd: This is it? Carl: Three from the night you and Jimmy almost got hit. Rest from the night they hit the shipment.

Raylan ventures into wild country on the hunt for a missing informant, while Boyd's last living relative threatens his life and livelihood.

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SURVIVAL PART THREE Run time: 24:20 [SCENE_BREAK] 1: EXT. ??? [SCENE_BREAK] MASTER: You see, Doctor, you did help me. You kept these others alive just long enough to serve my purposes. THE DOCTOR: Midge, wait!! MASTER: Only the animals of this place can leave, Doctor, because they carry it with them. THE DOCTOR: Midge, listen to me!! Midge's only answer is a hiss. The Master nearly laughs. MASTER: He doesn't remember his name. (to Midge) Go home. Midge stares at the Master. He turns to run -- flash of light -- and Midge and the Master are gone. SHREELA: So there is a way out! THE DOCTOR: A way out? Yes. We wait for one of us to change, and then we use them. Before they try to escape or kill us all. SARGE: Well, there's no telling who'll be next, is there? Just get a grip and... (looks hard at the staring Derek) What're you looking at? It's him, isn't it? He's the one!! (jumps back) You stay away from me! SHREELA: Look! In the distance, the rider on her horse. ACE: (walks a bit toward the rider) Oh yeah! She's better! Doctor, look! When Ace turns back to the Doctor, her eyes have turned bright yellow... The other humans? eyes go wide. The rider comes down from her mount. RIDER: Come hunting, sister! THE DOCTOR: Wait!! Ace flashes a nasty grin. ACE: No. She runs to join the rider. They run off into the prairie, laughing all the way. SARGE: Who's next, eh? Who's next?!? If I had a gun -- THE DOCTOR: (spitting out the words) We'd be in even more trouble than we are already!! (calms down) Right. Stay here. I'll follow her. [SCENE_BREAK] 2: EXT. ??? [SCENE_BREAK] Ace and the rider (Karra, according to the credits) bounds down the side of a hill. Ace seems to be loving every second of it... [SCENE_BREAK] 3: INT. HOUSE -- PERIVALE, ENGLAND [SCENE_BREAK] On a wall on a house, sits a picture of a tiger and her cub, nestled against a tree. The camera pans down from the picture to a couch. Midge is lying on the couch, moaning horribly. The Master kneels beside him. The Master gets up and looks in a mirror. His eyes don't look any more human than they did a few moments ago on the Cheetah planet. MASTER: I will be free of it... I will be free of it... He closes his eyes tightly for a moment. Then he opens them again. Nice and human-looking. MASTER: Ahh... He looks down at Midge. Midge is still yellow-eyed and fanged, looking pretty damn sad on that couch. MASTER: You are all animal now. You're so weak, your will devoured... A stronger mind will hold on itself longer. A will as strong as mine. His smile slowly fades as he looks at himself in the mirror. MASTER: How much longer? (looks closer) If I have to suffer this contamination, this humilation... if I am to become an animal... then like an animal, I will destroy you, Doctor. I will hunt you, trap you, and destroy you. [SCENE_BREAK] 4: EXT. ??? [SCENE_BREAK] Ace and Karra are kneeling beside a bush. Karra is lapping up a small pond of water. ACE: I thought cats hated water. KARRA: I'm not a cat. I'm Karra. I'm your sister. Ace pulls herself back a bit. ACE: No, you're not. Why do you keep calling me that? KARRA: You're like me. ACE: (grins) Yeah? KARRA: You will be. ACE: (to herself) This is good. I like feeling like this. She looks at herself in the puddle... and notices the yellow eyes for the first time. Her earlier joy vanishes. ACE: Where's the Doctor? I've got to get back to the Doctor... She seems to be fighting some internal struggle... KARRA: Are you hungry? Ace's anguished look is her answer. Karra gets up. KARRA: The chase... ACE: What?!? KARRA: The hunt. Smell the blood on the wind. Hear the blood in your ears. Run, run beyond the horizon and catch your hunger!! She lets out a blood-curdling howl. Her horse suddenly appears, joined by another. KARRA: (mounts her horse) Are you hungry, sister? Come hunting. She howls again. An ugly expression forms on Ace's face. She gets up to follow. [SCENE_BREAK] 5: EXT. ??? -- ELSEWHERE... [SCENE_BREAK] That combination pocket watch/computer/compass also seems to work as a trail tracker. It whirrs softly as the Doctor waves it close over the ground. He studies its' readings, and sighs. THE DOCTOR: Ace... how far have you gone? Can you come back? A roar -- the Doctor looks out -- and spots a Cheetah person in the brush before him, chowing down on another luckless soul. He slowly walks off. [SCENE_BREAK] 6: EXT. ??? -- PRAIRIE [SCENE_BREAK] Speaking of carcasses, Ace and Karra have just rode up to one. KARRA: (dismounts) Good hunting. Good. Ace doesn't seem too sure of herself or Karra now. ACE: You kill people. You eat people... KARRA: When I'm hungry, I hunt. When I hunt, I eat. ACE: Would you eat me? KARRA: There is meat here. ACE: Yeah, but if there wasn't -- would you kill me? KARRA: (a dangerous new tone in her voice) How fast can you run, sister? ACE: (quiet) Fast enough. KARRA: (grins) Ha. That would be a good hunt. Are you hungry? Come and eat. Ace smiles herself, and dismounts to join Karra at the bloody carcass. At she's about to reach it, the Doctor runs up -- THE DOCTOR: ACE!! Ace spins to face him. THE DOCTOR: Ace, come back. Come home. She's in a tug of war with herself -- humanity versus Cheetah-ness. After a long moment, the humanity wins out. The yellow light fades from her eyes, and she runs and joins the Doctor, hugging him tightly. KARRA: Good hunting, sister. ACE: What's happening to me, Doctor? THE DOCTOR: It's all right, Ace. We're going home. Karra hisses and growls as the two heroes walk away... [SCENE_BREAK] 7: INT. HOUSE -- PERIVALE, ENGLAND [SCENE_BREAK] Midge is all but comatose on the couch. The Master kneels beside him again. The yellow eyes and fangs are back on the renegade Time Lord. MASTER: Look at me. Look at me. Midge's eyes slowly meet his. MASTER: You have power now. We have power now. MIDGE: (lifts his head up) Yes! MASTER: You can do anything you want now. Anything. MIDGE: Yeah!! MASTER: You my hunting dog, Midge? The teeth for my trap? Trust me, Midge. Trust me. MIDGE: Trust me, Midge. Trust me. Midge is eating right out of the Master's hands... [SCENE_BREAK] 8: EXT. ??? [SCENE_BREAK] The Doctor and Ace rejoin the other humans on the plain. THE DOCTOR: (stops Ace to make her face him) Ace, listen to me. You're possessed. It's the planet, the Cheetah people. You've changed. ACE: (her eyes yellow again) Yes. THE DOCTOR: You're powerful. Dangerous. ACE: Yes. THE DOCTOR: You can do what they do. You can carry your prey home. You can help us escape. ACE: (hears the "but" in his voice) Yes? THE DOCTOR: But if you do that, you may never change back. You'll become like the Cheetah people forever. ACE: (shakes her head) What shall I do? Tell me, Doctor... I trust you... THE DOCTOR: The choice is yours. She thinks about it -- then grips the Doctor's hand. The Doctor runs to the others, making them join hands and taking Shreela's. THE DOCTOR: We're going home! A flash of light, and they're gone from the Cheetah planet. [SCENE_BREAK] 9: EXT. STREET -- PERIVALE [SCENE_BREAK] The group reappears on the Perivale street, right next to the good ol' TARDIS. ACE: (grins) I did it. I got us back! I'm all right now, aren't I? Her eyes do seem normal now... THE DOCTOR: Yes, Ace. SHREELA: (looks around) Perivale. We're back. Got to get home! She hugs Ace, then bolts down the street. The Sarge suddenly notices Derek's hand is still in his. SARGE: (forces the hand away) What's your game, then? (shakes his head) So I had a blackout. It's perfectly normal. Stress, overwork... that's all. I've had medicals. You should've got a doctor to me, though. That's the least you could've done, instead of keeping me lying about in the street. You're a doctor, right? You should've known better. The Doctor's amused by the Sarge's trying to forget everything. Ace is merely annoyed. ACE: "Thanks, Ace. Thanks, Doctor. Thanks for saving my life, getting me back home." SARGE: I don't know what you mean. What are you talking about? DEREK: (shakes the Doctor's hand) Thanks, Ace! Thanks, Doctor! Thanks for saving my life and getting me back home!! He runs off into the street, laughing. SARGE: I'm late for self-defense... He walks away, shaking his head slowly. The Doctor takes a quick look around. ACE: (walks back to the TARDIS door) Looks like everything's back to normal, then. The Doctor taps the end of his umbrella on his chin thoughtfully. ACE: Well, come on Professor! What are we hanging about for? THE DOCTOR: (a dark look in his eyes) Unfinished business. ACE: What? THE DOCTOR: The Master!! ACE: Oh, he's not still around here, is he? Dump of the universe. THE DOCTOR: (waves at her absentmindedly) It was you -- ACE: Yeah yeah, who wanted to come home, I know. Listen -- (slaps her hand on the TARDIS) this is the only home I've got now, right? THE DOCTOR: (shakes his head and hand) No, it was you who brought us here home. Therefore, Midge must've -- where does Midge live? ACE: Who? THE DOCTOR: Midge!!! ACE: Oh, I don't know. He used to live in some flats over there somewhere. She points down the road. The Doctor takes off like a Dalek army's at his heels. THE DOCTOR: COME ON!! [SCENE_BREAK] 10: INT. BIKE SHOP [SCENE_BREAK] A rivulet of milk runs down the receiver of a phone. It's dangling off the hook, next to the spilled cup. Across from there, Midge is looking over a motorbike like he's never seen one before. He then hops on another, trying it out for size. The Master comes into view at the shop's front window. MIDGE: "Just the start, Midge. Just the start." Both grin cruelly at each other. [SCENE_BREAK] 11: INT. MIDGE'S HOME [SCENE_BREAK] The Doctor looks at a portrait of Midge, pre-transformation. Ace is looking over a pair of old vinyl records. ACE: (referring to the records) Are they still on the go, then? They were practically drawing their pensions when I was clubbing it. He spots something in a mirror -- and freezes. Slowly, he turns around, and pokes his umbrella end down at the disemboweled grey cat on the carpet. As Ace joins him, the sound of a young girl crying reaches their ears. Ace runs over into another room after the sound. She comes back with a little dark-haired girl, who was hiding behind a washing machine. ACE: (kneeling over the girl) What's up? GIRL: (sobbing) My catttt... ACE: What happened? GIRL: The bad cat killed it. The bad cat the man brought -- THE DOCTOR: What man? Which way did he go? Show me! The girl leads the Doctor and Ace out of the house. [SCENE_BREAK] 12: INT. EVE CLUB -- GYM [SCENE_BREAK] The teenage guys are all gathered for the Sarge's class, just shooting the breeze and chatting. The door opens. Midge walks in, wearing sunglasses over his Cheetah eyes and sporting a nice black suit. All eyes turn to him. MIDGE: (slowly advancing on the students) Waiting on the Sarge? He's been held up. He asked me to have a little chat with you. I learned a secret today. The secret... of success. Thought I'd share it with you... [SCENE_BREAK] 13: EXT. BACK OF BUILDINGS [SCENE_BREAK] The girl leads our heroes to the edge of a overlook and points down. GIRL: Over there... Midge and the bad cat man. Midge went away and then he came back. He's my big brother. He's got funny eyes now. ACE: Where's your Mum, Squeak? GIRL: He made her go away! ACE: (angry) What's he doing it for? Why?!? He's escaped, hasn't he? He doesn't need to keep the Cheetahs busy. He's safe! What's he still doing it for?!? THE DOCTOR: (snarls the word) Malice. ACE: (puts an arm around the girl) Her gran's the next floor up. I'll take her... it's not just malice. THE DOCTOR: Survival. It's what he lives for. He must hope, believe he can find something... ACE: What? THE DOCTOR: To destroy me. ACE: (snorts) You'd wipe the floor with him! THE DOCTOR: Yes, well, we are an explosive combination. One day, one of us might blot the other one out. He looks down at a pair of white-and-brown spotted cats, rummaging through some trash bags. THE DOCTOR: If only I could track him down, take him by surprise before he's ready... Ace suddenly jerks, sags to her knees. Her eyes turn gleaming yellow again. GIRL: (brushes at Ace's hair) Bad cat man. [SCENE_BREAK] 14: EXT. PERIVALE -- EVE CLUB [SCENE_BREAK] The Master and the Kitling (in the former's arms) look at each other's reflection in the window of the club. The Kitling slips out of his arms as he approaches the window. The yellow eyes and fangs are back... [SCENE_BREAK] 15: EXT. BACK OF BUILDINGS [SCENE_BREAK] ACE He's at the youth club! She gets to her feet, the eyes going normal again. ACE: He's at the youth club!! I know he is!! The three run back into the building -- [SCENE_BREAK] 16: INT. YOUTH CLUB -- GYM [SCENE_BREAK] MIDGE (continuing his little lecture) It's common sense, right? It's just the way of the world, right? Survival of the fittest. Get rid of the deadwood, let the wasters go to the wall, and the strong will inheirit the earth. You and me. Do you hear what I'm saying? Do you know what I'm talking about?!? A long silence. Midge yanks off the shades, revealing the Cheetah eyes. The students are stunned at the sight. One steps forward to speak -- MIDGE: Don't move. The students freeze, the words of that one dying in his throat. MASTER: (appearing at the back of the gym) You understand me? MIDGE: You understand me, all right? MASTER: (approaches Midge and the students) You'll do anything I say. MIDGE: You'll do anything I say. MASTER: (joins Midge's side, facing the students) Won't you? MIDGE: Won't you? STUDENTS: Yes, sir... At that moment, the Sarge staggers in. He hasn't cleaned up from his earlier adventure, and looks pretty skanky. SARGE: Right, lads. Sorry I'm late. Had a wee accident, but everything's all right now. (claps his hands) Right, come on then, let's get things moving -- The students part, revealing the Master and Midge to the Sarge's sight. The Sarge goes pale. MASTER: Why don't you take over now, Midge? Midge slowly stuffs his shades in his pocket. He saunters up to the Sarge as the students clear a path, grinning evilly... [SCENE_BREAK] 17: EXT. PERIVALE -- ROAD [SCENE_BREAK] The Doctor and Ace sprint down the road toward the club -- [SCENE_BREAK] 18: INT. YOUTH CLUB -- GYM [SCENE_BREAK] -- but by the time they rush in, the room is empty. Except for the mangled remains of one Sergeant Paterson. THE DOCTOR: (grim) So much for the SAS survival course. Ace jerks again, the eyes going yellow... THE DOCTOR: WHERE?!? [SCENE_BREAK] 19: EXT. PERIVALE -- FIELD [SCENE_BREAK] They're back to the wide field. Only now the only thing in sight's a white-and-red motorbike. THE DOCTOR: He's chosen the time. The place. And the means. Ace is staring off into nothing. The Doctor draws her around toward him. Her eyes are normal again -- no, they're starting to turn yellow -- THE DOCTOR: Ace... The eyes go normal again. THE DOCTOR: That's better. ACE: Did I go again? (the Doctor nods) I don't even feel it! I don't even feel myself go! Doctor... will I stay like this? Before the Doctor can answer either way, the roar of a motorcycle engine -- and a bike (ridden by Midge) leaps into view over a high hill, followed by a pack of the hypnotized students. Ace starts at Midge, but the Doctor yanks her back with the hook of his umbrella. THE DOCTOR: Stay out of this, Ace! He steps forward, clearly ready to fight. The Master walks into view beside Midge. MASTER: (to Midge) You are my hunting dog. The teeth for my trap. The teeth to destroy. He shoves the horn dagger into Midge's hand. Down below, Ace's eyes have gone feral again, and she leaps upon the bike. THE DOCTOR: Ace!! Listen to me -- LISTEN TO ME!!! Astonishingly, he flings her off the bike with one hand. THE DOCTOR: If you fight, you'll change -- you'll change completely!! FOREVER!!! He throws the umbrella aside and jumps on the bike himself. He cranks the bike, as mad as we've ever seen him. Midge does the same. It's a jousting showdown. Both stomp on the gas. The two bikes leap at each other -- one downhill, one uphill. Ace slowly gets up, her eyes normal again. The Doctor's not armed -- how can he win?? The bikes get closer -- CLOSER -- COLLISION COURSE -- !!!! ACE: NOOOO!!! KA-BOOOOMMMM!!!!! The fireball boils up into the sky. Several feet away, a burned Midge hits the ground, dazed and hurt but still alive. The Master and the students walk up to him, and the Master kneels down over Midge. MASTER: Survival of the fittest. The weak must be eliminated... so that the healthy can flourish. (takes the shades off him) You know what to do, Midge. Midge slowly looks away... his eyes going blank... then he sags lifelessly to the dirt. MASTER: Good boy. Meanwhile, Ace has run up to the crash site... and all she can find of the Doctor is his hat and umbrella. She picks them up, clutching them to her... The Master gets up, as the students crowd around him and the late Midge. The students all walk past him. Toward Ace. ACE: I must not fight... I must not fight... Even so, the students are coming closer, and she braces herself for a battle she knows she can't win... in either sense of the word... ACE: Help me... Help me... Won't SOMEBODY HELPPP MEEEE?!??! As if on cue, a flash of light -- and Karra appears on her steed. The startled students take a huge step back... KARRA: The chase... to hunt in the morning and live until evening... Run out of the light, and slip into the dark. Smell the blood on the wind. Hear your blood in your ears. Die at last, with your enemy's blood in your mouth. WITH YOUR ENEMY'S BLOOD IN YOUR MOUTH!!! She howls wildly, and shoves the horse into full gallop at the students. The students panic, running away in every direction. Needless to say, the Master is not pleased to see this. MASTER: Get off the horse. Karra does so. MASTER: You have no power here. This is not your place. I command here. I command you. You've no power over me. I can do anything I wish with you and you can do nothing -- nothing -- to me. KARRA: Do you bleed? I can always do something to you if you bleed. She leaps at the Master -- and impales herself on the horn dagger the Master hid behind his back. With a weak yowl, she sinks to the ground. ACE: KARRRAAA!!!!! The Master watches Karra expire at his feet, chuckling. He looks over at Ace, the last one standing... nah, she's not worth it. He walks away, tossing the dagger aside. He trots over the hill, up to a couch, a couple of carts, and some trash bags. The very place the Doctor crash-landed into after the bike explosion. He walks on out of view, laughing. A moment later, the Doctor painfully pulls himself up. THE DOCTOR: Oh, very good. Very amusing. He staggers toward the hill crest. On the other side -- ACE: Karra?!? She runs to the fallen warrior's side, turns her over -- And strangely, Karra doesn't look like herself. She looks like a young, auburn haired Earth woman. Gravely wounded as she is, she still finds the strength to smile at Ace. KARRA: I--I can hunt in the dark. ACE: (her voice shaking) I'll get you something... I'll make you well again... KARRA: I can run... into the dark... run forever... ACE: Just wait... i'll get you something... KARRA: Good hunting, sister... The life drains out of her. And the spirit out of Ace. ACE: Good hunting... [SCENE_BREAK] 20: EXT. PERIVALE -- STREET [SCENE_BREAK] Having beaten his worst enemy, the Master thinks it only fair to take possession of his property -- namely, the TARDIS. He's in the process of trying to jimmy the lock with a tool. The Doctor appears next to him. THE DOCTOR: Good hunting? The tool falls out of the Master's hands, clattering to the floor. MASTER: Yes. Would've been too easy... seems we must always meet again. THE DOCTOR: They do say opposites attract. MASTER: But this is the end, Doctor. His yellow eyes and fangs are back. MASTER: You see it -- it's a power. A power from that planet. It's growing within me. Are you frightened yet? THE DOCTOR: No. MASTER: You should be. You should be -- it nearly beat me. Such a simple, brutal power. Just the power of tooth and claw. It nearly destroyed me, a Time Lord. But I won. I control that force, Doctor. And now at last, I have the power to destroy you... The Master grabs at the Doctor's shoulder, shoving him back -- flash of light -- [SCENE_BREAK] 21: EXT. CHEETAH PLANET [SCENE_BREAK] The planet's in the last throes of destruction. The whole place is a burning, shaking hell. And the Master's got the Doctor on the ground, throttling him, trying to force the life out of him. He seizes up a bone club. MASTER: Welcome to my new home, Doctor! He tries to bring the bone down on the Doctor's head -- the Doctor blocks the blow, gripping the Master's wrist -- squeezing at both wrists -- the Master growls in pain -- the Doctor forces him over, gets atop him -- snatches up a boulder, raises it over his head, ready to dash his lifelong enemies's brains out -- HIS EYES HAVE TURNED YELLOW -- He freezes. Several feet away, the massed Cheetah people watch. Wait. And slowly fade away into nothingness. THE DOCTOR: They've gone... what am I doing?!? I've got to stop... we've got to go... He throws the boulder away, shaking. MASTER: You can't go. Not this time. THE DOCTOR: YES WE CAN!!! MASTER: Escape to what?!? I don't choose to live as an animal. THE DOCTOR: (points at the volcanic plains beyond) If we fight, we'll destroy this planet!! We'll destroy ourselves!! The Master's hand suddenly clamps like a vise around the Doctor's neck. MASTER: You should have killed me, Doctor. The planet's shaking worse than ever, fire rising into the sky -- the end is only seconds away -- the Master raises the bone club up -- THE DOCTOR: IF WE FIGHT LIKE ANIMALS, WE'LL DIE LIKE ANIMALS!!!! The club comes down -- FLASH OF LIGHT -- [SCENE_BREAK] 22: EXT. PERIVALE -- STREET [SCENE_BREAK] -- and the Doctor's suddenly back where he was, eyes clenched shut, on his knees, in front of the TARDIS. THE DOCTOR: IF WE FIGHT LIKE ANIMALS, WE'LL DIE LIKE ANIMALS!!!! Only then does he belatedly realize he's back on Earth. His part-time homeworld. Safe. THE DOCTOR: Home. It's a beautiful day. Birds are chirping. The sky is sunny. The perfect day for washing your car. A blond woman walks up to the Doctor... BLOND WOMAN: D'you hear that racket? Did you hear it? Flipping cat fights all hours of the day. THE DOCTOR: I think you'll find things quieting down now. BLOND WOMAN: So you say. Flipping cats... it's the owners I blame. They want the pet, right? They want the animal, but do they keep it under control? THE DOCTOR: (with a wise smile) Well, we try. BLOND WOMAN: So you say. The woman walks off, leaving the Doctor smirking in her wake. [SCENE_BREAK] 23: EXT. PERIVALE -- FIELD [SCENE_BREAK] A tear-covered Ace remains kneeled beside the late Karra. Her fingers curl around Karra's necklace. A necklace with a piece of bone set into it. FLASH OF LIGHT -- And another Cheetah appears on a horse. What the -- ?!? Ace runs aside. Here we go again -- But the Cheetah person doesn't gallop at Ace. Instead, he trots toward Karra -- another flash of light -- and both he and Karra are gone. Quiet, Ace wipes away her tears, putting the Doctor's hat on her head. From behind her, the Doctor walks up. THE DOCTOR: Mine, I believe. He plucks the hat off her head and puts it on. Ace's lips twist into a wry smile. He also takes the umbrella off her. THE DOCTOR: Thank you. ACE: Where have they gone? THE DOCTOR: They've been taken back to the wilderness. The place is different... but the hunt goes on. You know all about the hunt, don't you Ace? ACE: Felt like I could run forever... like I could smell the wind and feel the grass under my feet. Run forever... THE DOCTOR: The planet's gone. But lives on inside you. It always will. A feeling of peace comes over Ace. ACE: Good. (a pause) And the Master? THE DOCTOR: Who knows? Ace gets up. ACE: Home. THE DOCTOR: Home? ACE: The TARDIS. The Doctor grins. THE DOCTOR: Yes. The TARDIS. The Doctor puts his arm around Ace. They walk off together, into the future. Into the sunset. The end has come. 26 years of television history has come down to this. The final walk into the sunset. A wistful version of the Doctor Who theme plays, as we hear the Doctor's voice one last time... THE DOCTOR (O.C.): "There are worlds out there where the sky is burning. And the sea's asleep, and the rivers dream. People made of smoke, and cities made of song. Somewhere, there's danger. Somewhere, there's injustice. "And somewhere else, the tea's getting cold! Come on, Ace -- we've got work to do!!!"

While Ace tries to resist the influence of the Cheetah Planet, the Master tries to leave the planet before it's too late.

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fd_Doctor_Who_08x10_0

[ In a forest ] ( rustling ) ( she pants ) Maebh: I'm lost. Please, can you help me? The Doctor: It's that way. Are those trees? Maebh: I need the Doctor. Are you the Doctor? The Doctor: Yes. Do you have an appointment? You need an appointment to see the Doctor. Maebh: Please. Something's chasing me. [SCENE_BREAK] [ TARDIS ] ( she gasps in wonder ) The Doctor: When you drink a glass of Coke, it's only this big, but it's actually got this much sugar in it. It works a bit like that. Maebh: What does? The Doctor: The TARDIS. It's bigger on the inside than the outside, or did you not notice? Maebh: I just thought it was supposed to be bigger on the inside, so I didn't say anything. The Doctor: Well, of course it's supposed to be bigger. Most people are confused by that. Maebh: I find everything confusing, nearly. So, I don't say anything. That's how come I'm in the woods. I thought Miss Oswald told me to find the Doctor. But it wasn't her. It was just in my head. The Doctor: Miss Oswald? Dark hair? Highly unpredictable? Surprisingly round face? Maebh: Everyone says she's in love with Mister Pink. The Doctor: The PE teacher. Maebh: Maths. I really like him. I was in his group. The Doctor: Mister Pink was looking after you? Well, that explains why you're lost. It doesn't surprise you that I know all about your school? Maebh: Everyone seems to know everything about everything, apart from me. The Doctor: That's not quite true. I, for instance, have no idea why, when the terrestrial navigation... The terrestrial navigation starts up, it closes down all the other systems. Maebh: You should ask somebody who knows. The Doctor: Hmm. That's another of the drawbacks of being the last of your species. No one to ask when your TARDIS won't start. ( metallic thrumming ) Navigation system: You have reached your destination. The Doctor: No, we haven't. We're supposed to be in the middle of London. Navigation system: You have reached your destination. The Doctor: Oh, stop saying that! Maebh: She's only saying it because it's true. We are in the middle of London. The Doctor: We are in the middle of a forest. Maebh: Come and see. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Trafalgar Square ] Maebh: Nelson's Column. Do you like it? The Doctor: Do I. Sorry, what? Maebh: Do you like the forest being in Trafalgar Square? I think it's lovely. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Zoo Museum ] Samson: Bradley! Sir! Tell him, sir! He's blinding me. Danny: Give me that, Bradley. Bradley: I'm allowed a torch, sir. I've got a note. I'm darkness phobic. Samson: Just because he's scared of the dark, sir, is he allowed to blind me? Danny: You're allowed a torch, Bradley, not a pocket supernova. OK, listen up. A few things to run through before we head home. Put your phone away, Bradley. Thank you. First, collect any rubbish you may have generated through midnight feasts or whatever... Danny: Hello? Hello? Ruby: Look at this. Why is this one so fat, miss? Clara: Because it was alive so long. Ruby: This ring, though. All the other rings are thin, but this one's fat and red, see? Clara: Must have been a good year to be a tree. George: I should have been relieved, you know. Danny: Oh, Coal Hill School. Sleepover. George: Sh, sh! ( keypad beeps ) ( electronic lock beeps ) George: Hang on. There's a knack to this. Danny: No, no, no, no, no. It moved. It moved. It's jammed, it's not locked. Come on, team. Bradley: What team? Samson: Wow! Sir, where are we? Danny: What do you mean, where are we? [SCENE_BREAK] [ Ext. Zoo Museum ] Ruby: We can't have been asleep for that long, can we? Jenny Hill: Well, you've heard of leaves on the line. This is going to be slightly harder to clear Accra Reporter: In three hours' time, the Ghana Black Stars are due to play Sierra Leone in the African Cup of Nations. Paris Reporter: Est-ce que c'est bien le Bois de Boulogne? Non, c'est le centre-ville. Accra Reporter: It does not look like the pitch will be ready. Clara: You're always showing me amazing things. Well, I, Doctor, have finally got something amazing to show you. [SCENE_BREAK] [ TARDIS ] The Doctor: Yes, well, there are some things I've never seen, but that's usually because I've chosen not to see them. Even my incredibly long life is too short for Les Miserables. Clara (O.C.): Oh, Doctor. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Bus stop ] Clara: You're going to love this. The Doctor (O.C.): Well, when you come to collect this child, you can tell me then. Clara: Huh? What child? [SCENE_BREAK] [ TARDIS ] The Doctor: Young female human. Standard defenceless little girl. Your friend Mister Pink was supposed to be looking after her. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Bus stop ] Clara: She probably has a name. [SCENE_BREAK] [ TARDIS ] The Doctor: Good point. You. Have you got a name at all? Maebh: Maebh. My name's Maebh. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Bus stop ] Clara: What? Maebh? [SCENE_BREAK] [ TARDIS ] Clara (O.C.): Where are you? The Doctor: Trafalgar... [SCENE_BREAK] [ Bus stop ] The Doctor (O.C.): ...Square. I found her wandering around the... [SCENE_BREAK] [ TARDIS ] The Doctor: ...brand new forest. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Bus stop ] Clara: Brand new forest? The Doctor (O.C.): Yes. It's like the... [SCENE_BREAK] [ TARDIS ] The Doctor: ...New Forest, except even newer. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Bus stop ] Clara: Is that the forest that's covering London? The Doctor (O.C.): Was that the amazing thing you were going to show me?' [SCENE_BREAK] [ TARDIS ] The Doctor: It is amazing, but I saw it first. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Bus stop ] Clara: Look, is she all right? Will you bring her over? The Doctor: No, I can't... [SCENE_BREAK] [ TARDIS ] The Doctor: ...bring her over. I'm a Time Lord, not a childminder. Clara (O.C.): You've got a spaceship. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Bus stop ] Clara: All we've got are Oyster cards. The Doctor (O.C.): And... [SCENE_BREAK] [ TARDIS ] The Doctor: ...I've got a global rapid afforestation crisis to deal with. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Zoo Museum ] Danny: What did they say? Clara: Who? Danny: The school. Parents. You were just on the phone. Clara: Oh, yeah. Rang school and parents. Yes, of course. Thought that was the priority. Danny: And? Clara: And I couldn't get through. Left messages. I'll try again. Danny: You didn't call the school. You called him. Clara: No, he called me, actually. I can't stop him calling me, can I? Danny: I thought you weren't in contact. Clara: London has just been taken over by a gigantic forest. Who do you want to talk to, Monty Don? Danny: I want to do my job, which is looking after these kids. Clara: Oh, really? How many kids? Danny: What? Clara: Where's Maebh Arden? Clara: She's with the Doctor. Danny: What? No, no, no, no, no. Maebh is a vulnerable kid. She's on medication. She's had an emotional trauma. He. Has he even been CRB checked? Clara: He didn't abduct her. She was lost. He found her. Bradley: I thought you said they were in love. Why are they shouting at each other? Ruby: That's what people do when they're in love. Don't you know anything? [SCENE_BREAK] [ Cromwell Road ] Samson: Where are we actually going? Where is he taking us? Danny: Who wants to be a navigator? Children: Me, me, me! Danny: Good lad. Let's do this. Bradley: What's an avigator? Danny: We'll follow the lamp posts. That will keep us on Cromwell Road. We'll be able to orientate ourselves. Ruby: I thought we were getting a coach. Where's the coach? Danny: Well, Ruby, it seems there are a lot of trees in the way. Ruby: Why can't we just wait here until they've gone? Danny: Because trees don't just disappear, Ruby. Ruby: They just came. Why wouldn't they just go? Clara: The question is, how did they get here? Can a forest grow overnight, or have we been asleep for years, like Sleeping Beauty? Danny: No, the question is, how are we going to get these kids home? Clara: Oh, absolutely. Yeah. That is the big question. Danny: OK, team. It's crucial we stick together. If you start to fall behind, don't. Bradley, we're going to head north east first to collect Maebh from Trafalgar Square, then we're going south to the river. Come on, keep up! Ruby: What's he talking about? Where are we going? Clara: You are enjoying this just a little bit too much. Come on. Are you not even a little bit curious about how? Who? Why? When? Danny: I am curious. I am bewildered. I am, in fact, enchanted. But I'm not the priority. The kids are. Clara: You see, now, that attitude is (quietly) actually very attractive. Minister (on TV): The Government emergency committee, COBRA, has formulated an action plan. We will create pathways through the trees using carefully controlled fires. This will facilitate the movement of essential services. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Trafalgar Square ] Minister (on phone): We are therefore asking you to stay in your homes. Fill your baths, sinks, and any buckets with fresh water. The Doctor: Why would there be no reading? Because they are actually made of wood. No circuits. No mechanism. Wood. Maebh: What's this for? The Doctor: This is a sonic screwdriver. It interacts with any form of communication you care to mention. Sadly, trees have no moving parts and don't communicate. Maebh: They communicate a bit, though. The Doctor: What? Maebh: Otherwise they wouldn't all grow at the same time, would they. The Doctor: So, what, do you think that's how spring begins? With a group message on Tree Facebook? Do you think they send texts to each other? Maebh: You don't need a phone to communicate, do you. I haven't phoned home, and I know my mum is worried about me. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Arden house ] Maebh's Mom: You said you'd collect Maebh. It's all right, I'm collecting her. Soon as I find my car keys. I can't see a thing. Next door have planted bloody Hydrangeas and they've gone mental! I've had words with her about it before. She's... Maebh's Mom: Oh. I'll call you back. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Brompton Road ] Ruby: Miss, in the museum, right, I was reading about reproduction... Clara: Oh, Ruby, this really isn't the right moment Ruby: ...and that said that trees have blossom, and then that turns into fruit or seeds or nuts. Right? Clara: Right, Ruby. Ruby: These trees have got blossom and nuts. Clara: Oh, yeah. That is strange. Samson: Nuts. That's unfortunate for you, isn't it, Bradley? You have an allergy, don't you? What if one of them falls on your head? Do you die, or swell up like a massive melon? Bradley: Shut it! [SCENE_BREAK] [ Ext. Arden house ] Neighbour: I think we should have been consulted. What's it in aid of, even? Maebh's Mom: How far does this go? I need to collect Maebh. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Trafalgar Square ] Danny: Trafalgar Square. Well done, Bradley. Excellent navigation skills. Clara: Ah ha! There it is. All sorted now. Come on. Bradley: Can we take a picture with the lion, sir? Please? Danny: Er, stay together, but OK. Clara: I cannot believe Bradley just said please. Danny: Really? Clara: Yeah. He usually prefers other means of persuasion. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Flashback - English classroom ] Bradley: Give it! Give it! Miss! He won't lend me his dictionary. Clara: You could try saying please, Bradley. Boy: Aagh! ( loud crash ) [SCENE_BREAK] [ Trafalgar Square ] Clara: And Ruby... [SCENE_BREAK] [ Flashback - Maths classroom ] Danny: And how do we find X? Ruby? Ruby: It's there, sir. At the top. Danny: No, how do we find... Ruby: It's not lost. It's there at the top, Look! Danny: No, how do we find the value of X? Ruby: Why are you asking me all the questions? Give someone else a go. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Trafalgar Square ] ( rumbling ) Clara: You bring out the best in them. Ruby: Look, sir. No rings. Trees usually have rings to tell you how old they are. This one's got no rings. Why's that then, sir? The Doctor: The rings mark the years of growth. One ring for each year. This grew up overnight. That whole tree is the result of just one night's growth, and they're still growing. Clara: Everyone, this is the Doctor, and he's going to sort everything out. Isn't that right, Doctor? It's what he does. The Doctor: Well, having looked at things, I think, probably, the answer to that is no. Clara: He always says that. He's really clever. The Doctor: Oh, yes, I am. Very clever. But what use is clever against trees? They don't listen to reason. You can't plead with them. You can't lie to them. They have no moving parts, no circuits. This is a natural event. Danny: How can it be natural for a tree to grow in one night? The Doctor: Exactly what they said about the Ice Age. How can whole glaciers just pop up out of nowhere? Well, they just did. That's how this planet grows - a series of catastrophes. Farewell to the Ice Age. Welcome to the Tree Age. Possibly. When the Ice Age was here, you lot managed to cook mammoth. Now there's a forest, you'll just have to eat nuts. Bradley: I can't eat nuts. I've got an allergy. Clara: Don't worry. It's a thing he does. He pretends he's not interested and then he has an idea. He's playing for time. The Doctor: Time. Interesting. Clara: See? Clever kicking in. The Doctor: A tree is a time machine. You plant a little acorn in 1795, and in the year 2016, there's an oak tree, there, in the same spot, with a tiny little bit of 1795 still alive inside of it. You can't create an overnight forest with extra special fertiliser. You have to mess with the fabric of time. And communicate with trees. [SCENE_BREAK] [ TARDIS ] Clara: So you're saying it's an act of aggression? The Doctor: By trees? Ruby: Er, trees clean the air. Clara: Exactly. Well done, Ruby. Someone or something who's trying to scrub the atmosphere before colonising or invading. Ah, yes, Doctor. Ahem. This is Coal Hill Year Eight Gifted and Talented Group. Samson: What are the round bits for? The Doctor: Ask your teacher. Come on! Down from there! Hey! Away from the console. Come on. That's an antique. Get away from there! Don't touch that! The Doctor: Haven't any of you been struck by the fact that it's, look, it's bigger on the inside? Ruby: There wasn't a forest. Then there was a forest. Nothing surprises us any more. The Doctor: These trees all appeared at once. That wasn't a coincidence. There's no such thing as an arboreal coincidence. Something, someone has coordinated this. To coordinate, you need to communicate. Every communication channel on the TARDIS is open, and nothing. The Doctor: Except. Let me see that. Danny: Homework books. Why are these here? The Doctor: Maebh Arden. Maebh Arden. Which one is Maebh Arden? Which one's Maebh? Maebh? Maebh? Maebh? Maebh? Maebh? Maebh? Maebh? Maebh? Ruby: Oh, my God. Maebh's gone. Maebh's lost in the forest. Maebh's going to die! The Doctor: Argh! Clara: Ruby, that's enough! Doctor? The Doctor: We've got to find her! Clara: Yes, I know that we have to find her. Doctor, listen to me. Her sister went missing last year. She's on medication. The child is barely functioning. She hears voices. She's very vulnerable. The Doctor: What do the voices say? Clara: I don't know. She takes tablets and they stop. The Doctor: You people. You never learn. If a child is speaking, listen to it. Danny: Oh, like you listened to her? The Doctor: He's right. She was trying to tell me something and I ignored her. Maebh Arden is tuned to a different channel. She can lead us to the source, to the heart of the forest. We have to listen to her. We have to find her. Clara: Not everything can be fixed with a screwdriver. It's not a magic wand. The Doctor: Does she have a phone? Clara: Well, yes, she does. The Doctor: Have you got the number? Clara: Er, yep. The Doctor: Maebh Arden. Five hundred yards south east of here. I'll go get her. Danny: I'll go with him. Clara: Oh, I can go. You can... Danny: You haven't seen him for months? Clara: Something like that. Danny: You didn't even say hello. You just sprung straight into action. Special unit. Ruby: This is so cool. The Doctor: Hey! Do not. Touch. Anything. Anything. H-h-OK? Ruby: OK. Clara: See? Someone needs to go. Child protection. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Northumberland Avenue ] The Doctor: Gifted and talented? Really? Clara: Furious, fearful, tongue-tied. They're all superpowers if you use them properly. Are they going to be all right? The Doctor: They're in the TARDIS, the safest place on the planet. ( rumbling and crashing ) The Doctor: If this is an invasion... Clara: What? The Doctor: ...It's over. They're here, they've won. What do they want? [SCENE_BREAK] [ Trafalgar Square ] ( they cough ) Ruby: I'm not just going to stand here and let her die. Danny: Who? Ruby: Miss. You let her go off with some randomer into the forest. You're supposed to be madly in love with her. Danny: I'm? Who said that? Ruby: Everyone. Samson: She's probably dead now anyway. Crushed by Nelson. Ruby: What if the trees collapse on her, and kill her? Danny: You're worrying too much. Ruby: Yeah, but what if the wild animals come out and eat her? Danny: Ruby, you're letting your imagination run away with you. Ruby: I'm not, though, am I, because I haven't got an imagination. You can ask Miss Oswald. Danny: OK, then. Come on, team, let's do this. Samson: We will, if you stop calling us a team. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Forest ] Maebh's Mom: Maebh! [SCENE_BREAK] [ Northumberland Avenue ] Clara: Doctor? Look behind us. The path we just walked down. It's overgrown already. The Doctor: Clara! Clara: Why would she put her phone down? The Doctor: Doesn't want to be followed? Lost a hold of it in a struggle? Left it as a clue, so we would know where she was going? Trail of breadcrumbs. Hansel and Gretel. Clara: I'm actually frightened. I never get frightened. Why am I frightened? The Doctor: You just lost a little girl. Clara: Yes, that is a worry, but I know you'll find her. No, no, no. This is not a worry, this is a dread. Maebh! The Doctor: You're pursuing a little lost girl through a mysterious forest. The path has disappeared. You find yourself with a strangely compelling masculine figure. Maebh! Clara: Any minute now we're going to find a gingerbread cottage with a cannibal witch inside. Maebh! The Doctor: Exactly. The forest. It's in all the stories that kept you awake at night. The forest is mankind's nightmare. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Forest ] ( she pants ) The Doctor: Clara. Is it hers? Clara: Yes. Clever girl. Man: Get back! We're burning here. Stay back. Clara: We're looking for a little girl. Man: Stay back. We're about to burn. Man: Good job! Man: What's going on? Trees aren't responding to flame-thrower. I mean, they don't catch fire. They just don't catch. It's like they're flame proof or something. The Doctor: Trees control the oxygen on this planet. They withhold it, they smother the fire. What sort of forest is clever? What sort of forest has its own in-built fire extinguisher? Clara: What do they want? The Doctor: Why now? Clara: What do you mean, why now? The Doctor: The whole natural order is turning against this planet. But why? Why now? Clara: Well, what else? The Doctor: How did she know this? Clara: What is it? The Doctor: This is a massive solar flare headed for Earth, like the one that destroyed the Bank of Karabraxos. I've got an entire TARDIS and I didn't notice this. But she knew. How? Clara: This is Maebh's. Where did you get this? The Doctor: You left your marking in the TARDIS. Clara: Oh, great, right, well, that's just brilliant, isn't it. You don't think Danny saw this, do you? The Doctor: I've just informed you that a solar flare is going to wipe out your planet. You're worried about a row with your boyfriend. How did she know this? She even put the date on it! Clara: I always make them date their homework. The Doctor: It's today's date. Clara: Well, there must be a way? The Doctor: They want something. They're saying something. If there is a way, the way is Maebh Arden. Clara: OK, you know they're not really gifted and talented, don't you? I just tell them that to make them feel good. The Doctor: She's lost someone. People who've lost someone, they're always listening, always looking, always hoping. So, they notice more. They hear more. ( howling ) Clara: Was that a howl? ( more howling ) Clara: Was that a wolf? No. That is impossible. We're in London. The Doctor: Would that be the London with the zoo? The zoo with the pack of wolves? The zoo whose barriers and gates have probably been mangled by the trees? No, wolves are not impossible. Stick to the path, Red Riding Hood. Clara: There is no path. ( more howling ) The Doctor: Then we're lunch. ( she pants ) ( low, soft growling ) ( growling gets louder ) ( wolf snarls ) ( she screams ) Clara: Maebh? ( wolves snarl, maebh pants ) ( wolves bark ) Clara: Maebh! Doctor, give me a boost so I can pull her over. Maebh? Maebh! The Doctor: Maebh. You came looking for me. You didn't... The Doctor: Maebh, Maebh, you didn't just stumble into the TARDIS. Tell me what you know. Clara: Doctor... The Doctor: This is important. Clara: Yes. Can we please deal with the wolves first? The Doctor: These are zoo wolves. They're not even used to hunting. Clara: Doctor! ( wolves snarl ) The Doctor: Right, OK. We've just got to look as if we're too much bother to eat, right? So, stay still. Stay together. Look big. Look big like a big three-headed, six-legged scary thing! ( wolves whine ) The Doctor: Ha ha! Told you they were rubbish. Those wolves are terrified. Clara: What are wolves frightened of? ( deep, throaty growl ) ( tiger roars ) The Doctor: There are very good solid scientific reasons for being really quite frightened just now. ( tiger roars and snarls ) ( danny and kids cheer ) Clara: Mister Pink! Why, thank you very much. Danny: Ah, no problem. Just decided it was best not to leave you alone with him. They've worked well together. Noticeable increase in confidence and energy levels. Clara: Well done. And for saving us from a tiger, too. Danny: Er, has she had her medication yet? Clara: Oh. No, I... The Doctor: No, no. Not her medication. We don't want to shut her up. We want to know what she knows. Maebh, what's the. Maebh, what is this? What is this? Danny: Apart from being almost savaged by a tiger and abducted by a Scotsman, she's allowed any nervous tics she likes, OK? The Doctor: This is not a nervous tic. This is react... Ruby: Please! Just give her her tablets. She's been in a state since her sister went missing. Danny: Maebh! Maebh! Maebh! Ruby: You won't find your sister out there. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Clearing ] Ruby: Miss? What is it, miss? Maebh: It's coming. It's coming for everyone, and I can't unthink it. The Doctor: Maebh. Maebh, this forest is communicating. With you. Nobody else. No technology can hear what it's saying, but you can. Tell us what it wants. Where it came from. Just tell me who did this. Maebh: It was me. I did this. I did these trees. The Doctor: No, Maebh. You didn't make a global forest appear overnight. How could you do that? Maebh: Thoughts come to me. Ever since Annabel went missing, I look for her everywhere. I don't find her, but I find thoughts. The big forest was one. I thought everyone would love it. The thoughts! The thoughts! They go so fast. Bradley: This is stressing me now. When I get stressed, I forget my anger management. Clara: Maebh, can you see something that we can't see? Maebh: Nearly. Too fast. Everywhere. The Doctor: Everything's subject to gravity. If I can create a little local increase... Danny: No. You're not experimenting on... ( she gasps in wonder ) Maebh: They're lovely! They don't like it when you're holding them. They want you to let them go. The Doctor: Who are they? Maebh & Here (in unison): We are Here. Here, always, since the beginning and until the end. The Doctor: Here? That's it? Here: We are the green shoots that grow between the cracks, the grass that grows over the mass graves. After your wars are over, we will still be Here. We are the life that prevails. The Doctor: Why now? Why are you here now? Here: We hear the call and we come, as we came before to the great North Forest, where we lie still in a great circle. As we came to the vast Southern Forest. The Doctor: Who is calling you now? Here: The sun that creates. The sun that destroys. You are hurting us. Let us go. The Doctor: You sent for me. The girl came looking for me. Why? Why me? Here: We did not send. Pain. Did not send for you. We don't know you. We were here before you and will be here after you. Samson: That was actually quite cool. ( maebh gives a small cry ) The Doctor: Maebh, you came looking for the Doctor. Think. Who sent you for the Doctor? Maebh: It was just a thought. It was just a thought that came. I think it came from Miss. Maebh: They've gone. Why does everything have to go? Clara: This really is going to happen, isn't it? The Doctor: Stars implode. Planets grow cold. Catastrophe is the metabolism of the universe. I can fight monsters. I can't fight physics. Clara: Why would trees want to kill us? We love trees. The Doctor: You've been chopping them down for furniture for centuries. If that's love, no wonder they're calling down fire from the heavens. Clara: But we saw the future. Lots of futures. Earth's futures. The Doctor: They're about to be erased. Clara: If you can't save them all, save who you can. The TARDIS. It's a lifeboat, isn't it? Not everybody has to die. ( rumbling ) Danny: Everywhere we go-o-o! Children: Everywhere we go-o-o! Danny: People wanna kno-o-ow! Children: People wanna kno-o-ow! Danny: Who we a-a-re. Children: Who we a-a-re. Danny: We are the Coal Hill Gifted and Talented... Children: We are the Coal Hill Gifted and Talented... [SCENE_BREAK] [ Trafalgar Square ] Danny: Right, come on, team. Clara: When they're done, you need to get in your box and go. The Doctor: We're all going. We're taking the kids. Clara: Taking them where? What are you going do with them? Leave them on an asteroid? Find a space academy for the gifted and talented? They just want their mums and dads, and they're never going to stop wanting them. The Doctor: I can save you and Danny. Clara: Danny Pink will never leave those kids so long as he is breathing. ( kids cheer ) Danny: Come on, team. Bradley: Can we take another selfie, sir? Danny: Of course. Come on, then. Children: Yes! The Doctor: I can save you. Clara: I don't want you to. The Doctor: What, you don't want to live? Clara: Of course I want to live. I just... The Doctor: What? Clara: Don't make me say it. The Doctor: Say what? Clara: I don't want to be the last of my kind. The Doctor: Then why did you bring us all here? Clara: Because it's the only way to get you back to the TARDIS, make you think you're saving someone. Well, you know what, Doctor? This time, the human race is saving you. Clara: Make it worthwhile. The Doctor: This is my world, too. I walk your earth, I breathe your air. Clara: And on behalf of this world, you're very welcome. Now, go. Save the next one. The Doctor: Maebh! I'm sorry that I couldn't help you. Maebh: You helped me loads. I thought it was all my fault. I feel much better now. Are you going to get rid of the forest? Clara: Hard to get rid of a flame-proof forest, Maebh, eh? Come on. Samson: Government crews have been deployed with the latest defo, deefoo... Danny: Defoliant agents, Samson. They're used to take the leaves off the trees so they're easier to burn. Bradley: That's harsh. ( metallic thrumming ) Bradley: Where's he going? Clara: Home. He's going home. Which is exactly where we're going. [SCENE_BREAK] [ TARDIS ] The Doctor: Flame-proof forest... Flame... proof... forest! A thousand atom bombs and no one hurt... I am Doctor Idiot! [SCENE_BREAK] [ Forest ] The Doctor (O.C.): Clara! Come back here! Come back! Danny: He's calling you. Clara: Yes. Let him call. This is more important. The Doctor: Clara! Mister Pink! Maebh! All of you! Quick, quick! Come back. Come back. Come on. The Doctor: Maebh, quick. Good girl, good girl. Come on. [SCENE_BREAK] [ TARDIS ] The Doctor: It's there on the screen, look. Big solar flare headed this way. A thousand kilometres a second. Coronal mass ejection. Geomagnetic storm. It's huge. It's brewing up a solar wind big enough to blow this whole planet away. The Doctor: I assumed your teachers have mentioned this? Clara: I thought it would spoil an otherwise enjoyable walk. The Doctor: OK. OK. Well, this is the bad news. The good news is, it's happened before. And you're still here. The Tunguska Blast, 1908. That should have blown the whole planet off its axis, but it didn't. It knocked a few trees over. Well, a few tens of thousands of trees over. Curu in Brazil. Same story. Earth should have been smashed, but it wasn't. What do these things have in common? Ruby: They're really, really scaring us? The Doctor: Trees. Whenever there's a planet-threatening, extra-terrestrial impact, trees. Massive forest, filling the atmosphere with oxygen. Pumping it up like a massive, highly inflammable airbag, so that when trouble hits... Samson: Everyone dies. The Doctor: No. The impact burns off the excess oxygen. You have some fairly hectic weather for a few days and some fairly trippy looking sunsets, but apart from that, you will be all right. I was wrong. The trees are not your enemy. They're your shield. They've been saving you since for ever. Protecting you from everything that space can throw at you. Clara: The wide ring. The red ring. In the museum, Ruby saw a cross-section of a tree. One of the rings was wider than the others, and red. The Doctor: Atmospheric dust, captured by the trees. The fingerprint of an asteroid. Happy Red Ring Day. Ruby: I don't get it. If they're good, then why are we chopping them down? Danny: The Government are sending out defoliating teams. They're dropping chemicals on them right now. The Doctor: What is it with you people? You hear voices, you want to shut them up. The trees come to save you, you want to chop them down. Clara: Or you think you need to save the world when it's already saving itself. The Doctor: I did admit that I was wrong. Excellent. Mobile networks are still operative. Right. We are going to call everyone on Earth and tell them to leave the trees alone. Maebh: Can I do it? I started it. I should finish it. The Doctor: OK. OK. Class project. Save the Earth. ( kids conferring ) Maebh: OK. And I think that's it. ( many mobile phones ringing ) ( ringing echoes around the world ) [SCENE_BREAK] [ Trafalgar Square ] ( mobile phone rings ) Maebh (O.C.): Essential services have been disrupted due to an unexpected forest. Maebh's Mom: Maebh? Where are you? [SCENE_BREAK] [ TARDIS ] Maebh: We'd like to reassure you that the situation will be rectified very soon. Please don't be scared. And please don't chop, spray or harm the trees. They're here to help. Be less scared. Be more trusting. Oh, and Annabel Arden, please come home. The Doctor: OK, who would like to witness a once in a billion years solar event at close quarters? Maebh: Mum! There's my mum! [SCENE_BREAK] [ Trafalgar Square ] Maebh's Mom: I thought I'd lost you too. Maebh: Never. Not ever. Clara: So, trip to space, anyone? Ruby: I want my mum. Samson: I slightly want my mum, too. Clara: Tell them, Mister Pink, what an educational opportunity... Danny: You, you go. This. This is enough for me. Clara: What? Coronal ejections, geomagnetic storms. How often do you get a playlist like that? Danny: I was a soldier. I put myself at risk. I didn't try too hard to survive, but somehow, here I am. And now I can see what I nearly lost. And it's enough. I don't want to see more things. I want to see the things in front of me more clearly. There are wonders here, Clara Oswald. Bradley saying please, that's a wonder. One person is more amazing, harder to understand, but more amazing than universes. Clara: Really? What person is that, then? ( kids cheer ) Ruby: I told you. I said so, didn't I? [SCENE_BREAK] [ Brompton Road ] Clara: We could have a picnic. Danny: You can't. You've got marking. Clara: Oh. Well, no, no, no. That was, er, from ages ago. You see, what happened was... Danny: They always write the date neatly at the top of the page. Clara: Yeah, they do, don't they? Danny: Last Friday. You were on the TARDIS last Friday. Today, you thought the world was going to end. You still didn't tell me the truth. Clara: I tried. He interrupted. Danny: I just want to know the truth. I don't care what it is. I just want to know it. Like Maebh said. Like the forest. Fear a little bit less, trust a bit more. Clara: OK. Well... Danny: No, not now. Go home and do your marking. Think about it, then tell me. I saved you from a tiger today. I deserve at least that. Clara: Yes, you did. And yes, you do. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Space ] The Doctor: I hope I'm right. It would be slightly awkward if the world was destroyed at this point. Clara: What? ( flames rumble ) The Doctor: There goes the planet-sized airbag. That's the trees, harvesting the solar fire. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Room ] Missy: Now, that was surprising. And I love surprises. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Clara's veranda ] ( chirping, fluttering sounds ) Clara: That is amazing. How will they explain this tomorrow? The Doctor: You'll all forget it ever happened. Clara: We are not going to forget an overnight forest. The Doctor: You forgot the last time. You remembered the fear and you put it into fairy stories. It's a human superpower, forgetting. If you remembered how things felt, you'd have stopped having wars. And stopped having babies. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Ext. Arden house ] Maebh's Mom: Annabel! My Annabel! Maebh:I knew you'd be here. The thought of you came to me. [SCENE_BREAK] Clara? Do I have your attention? You will never step inside your TARDIS again. Clara, what are you doing? Time can be rewritten. Oh, Clara, my Clara, I don't think you will! You know who I am. I'm not Clara Oswald. Clara Oswald has never existed.

Clara's student Maebh knocks on the TARDIS after hearing a thought from Clara to find the Doctor. The Doctor answers, and realises that a forest has grown over the world. Clara and Danny lead a group of students out into the new forest after a museum sleepover. They regroup in Trafalgar Square to recover Maebh. The Doctor realises Maebh is missing, and he and Clara set out to find her. They find Maebh. Some bug-like creatures talk through Maebh, telling them they had grown the forest and previous big forests. The Doctor believes a giant solar flare Maebh predicted in her notebook is heading towards Earth. Heading back to the TARDIS, the Doctor offers an escape route. Clara refuses to become the last of her kind, and Danny decides to stay with the students. The Doctor realises the trees have grown to protect Earth. Maebh reads off a message prepared by the other students to send a message to the world to not destroy the trees. Danny tells Clara he wants to know the truth about her travels with the Doctor, and asks her to think about it first. The solar flare passes by harmlessly and the excess trees disappear.

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THE SEEDS OF DOOM BY ROBERT BANKS STEWART PART FOUR 6:45pm - 7:10pm [SCENE_BREAK] CHASE: What do you do for an encore, Doctor? DOCTOR: I win. CHASE: Open this door! Guards! Guards! CHASE: Why am I surrounded by idiots! Guards! KEELER: Argh! My arm! My arm! CHASE: Keeler! It's happened. GUARD: What's up? SCORBY: The Doctor and the girl. Come on! [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: Get in there and hide. I'll be as quick as I can. SARAH: You can't tackle them single-handed. DOCTOR: Oh no, I've got a pistol. SARAH: But you'd never use it. DOCTOR: True, but they don't know that, do they. [SCENE_BREAK] CHASE: Amazing. KEELER: My whole body's changing. Look at my arm. Get me to a hospital, please. CHASE: Don't be ridiculous. We'll look after you here. KEELER: Do something. You must do something. CHASE: It's incredible. Absolutely unique. KEELER: For pity's sake, help me. HARGREAVES: What's all this? Oh sir, I hear Mister Keeler CHASE: Mister Keeler is not very well. HARGREAVES: Mister Keeler! CHASE: We must get him over to the cottage where we can look after him properly. HARGREAVES: What happened, sir? CHASE: Don't ask questions, just do it. [SCENE_BREAK] CHASE: Bear up, Keeler. [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: Nobody move. SCORBY: How predictable. The criminal returns to the scene of the crime. DOCTOR: I see the pod's burst. Was anyone in the way? SCORBY: Yeah, Keeler. Very clumsy of him. Where's the girl? DOCTOR: You're working for a madman, Scorby, you know that? SCORBY: He pays well. And when it comes to money, Mister Chase and I are of the same religion. DOCTOR: Franklin Adams, 1881 to 1960. American humourist. SCORBY: The quotes are over, Doctor. Miss Smith'll never get out of this place alive, and neither will you. SCORBY: Now, this way. And this time don't try anything. DOCTOR: You know SCORBY: Not anything! [SCENE_BREAK] SCORBY: Turn around. DOCTOR: Can't we talk this over, Scorby? SCORBY: You're getting a bit unsteady on your feet, Doctor. DOCTOR: You're pushing your luck, Scorby. SCORBY: Take a seat, Doctor. SCORBY: You see our little machine, Doctor? DOCTOR: Looks as if it's got possibilities. SCORBY: Oh yes, it has. Distinct possibilities. Did you know we made our own compost? DOCTOR: Quite right. Always put back in the soil what you take out. SCORBY: Just what Mister Chase says. He never wastes anything that can be used to fertilise his plants. Anything. DOCTOR: That's very commendable. SCORBY: It's got a very healthy appetite, Doctor. Tie him up. [SCENE_BREAK] KEELER: What's happening? What have you done? CHASE: It's for your own good. You mustn't move. KEELER: You can't keep me here. I need medical attention! Look at me. CHASE: The rate of increase is astonishing. Remarkable, Keeler. Protein absorption from the animal, of course. KEELER: What animal? CHASE: Your own body. We shall have to give you some food soon. KEELER: Chase, stop behaving like a maniac and get me to hospital. CHASE: Don't be ridiculous. That would ruin everything. Together, we could be on the verge of a great scientific discovery. We must observe the process carefully. KEELER: Hargreaves, don't listen to him. This is murder. HARGREAVES: I'm sure Mister Chase is right, sir. And it's for your own good. CHASE: You're changing into a plant, Keeler. You're privileged. Think of it, a marvellous new species of plant. I shall need some equipment to monitor this experiment. KEELER: Chase! [SCENE_BREAK] HARGREAVES: He might be right, sir. It could be dangerous. CHASE: Everything will be all right, Hargreaves, just as long as we keep him in there. HARGREAVES: Very good, sir. [SCENE_BREAK] SCORBY: Ah, there you are, Mister Chase. We've got the Doctor. I've locked him in the compost room. CHASE: Good. No sign of the girl? SCORBY: No, not yet. We've got all the exits covered. She won't get far. HARGREAVES: General laboratory. What? Oh, hold on. It's for you, sir. Says it's urgent. Main gate. CHASE: Chase. Amelia Ducat? Why'd you let her past the main gate? [SCENE_BREAK] WATCHMAN: Sorry, sir. Miss Ducat insists on seeing you. Says you owe her money. Well that's what she says, sir. [SCENE_BREAK] CHASE: Well get rid of her. I'm in the middle of some very important work and I can see no one. Is that clear? [SCENE_BREAK] WATCHMAN: I've told her all about that, Mister Chase, but she's very, er, persistent. She's mentioned something about lawyers, sir. [SCENE_BREAK] CHASE: Lawyers? (covers the handset) Man's a fool. Why am I surrounded by idiots? SCORBY: Wouldn't it be better to see her, Mister Chase, and avoid any fuss? CHASE: It might, and it might not. (into telephone) Have someone bring her up to the library. [SCENE_BREAK] KEELER: Don't be frightened. You should be glad. After all, it might have been you. SARAH: Keeler? What have they done to you? KEELER: Disgusting, isn't it. Aren't you scared? SARAH: No, I'm not scared. Why are they keeping you here? KEELER: Chase. Chase owns me body and soul. Body. This must be how Winlett changed. You saw him at the base, didn't you. What was it like? You've got to tell me. SARAH: I'm going to find the Doctor. He knows more about this than anyone else. Now, do you know where he is? KEELER: I might. Let me loose and we'll go together. SARAH: I can't. KEELER: I won't harm you. SARAH: You mightn't mean to, but you would. KEELER: You're as bad as Chase and the others. You want me to die! You want me to die! You want me to die! HARGREAVES: Mister Keeler, try not to distress yourself. Mister Chase ordered this meal for you, sir. [SCENE_BREAK] CHASE: Good evening, Miss Ducat. AMELIA: Good evening, Mister Chase. I'm sorry to have insisted on seeing you at this hour. CHASE: Not at all. It's a great pleasure, indeed an honour, to see you again. AMELIA: I was visiting Lady Chandley nearby. Painting a rare hibiscus in her conservatory. CHASE: Ah yes, the Venezuelan gobbo. I have several of the species. AMELIA: Of course, your collection of plants is unrivalled. Even the short safari from the gate is simply packed with interest. CHASE: What a shame you should come in the autumn. In high summer, ah. AMELIA: Even so, I think I could set up my easel here to good purpose. CHASE: At any other time I'd be very happy for you to do so, but just at the moment I have some very pressing business. AMELIA: What a pity. Never mind. The real reason for my coming won't take up much of your time. CHASE: Yes, it seems I neglected to pay you for a painting I had from you. AMELIA: Yes. CHASE: I offer you my humblest apologies. AMELIA: Seven hundred and fifty guineas. CHASE: Guineas? AMELIA: Plus inflation. Shall we say a round thousand? CHASE: Pounds. AMELIA: Done. CHASE: I'll write you a cheque now. AMELIA: Magnificent house you have here, Mister Chase. CHASE: Yes, it is rather fine, isn't it. Most of it was built during the Wars of the Roses. Charmingly named, but rather a bloodthirsty period in history, I always think. SCORBY: Do you want to start the (pause as he sees Amelia) recycling experiment, Mister Chase? CHASE: No. I want to see it. I'll be right there. CHASE: I apologise for the delay. AMELIA: Thank you. CHASE: Mister Scorby will see you out. AMELIA: What is this recycling experiment? Sounds interesting. CHASE: Yes, I'm afraid it's something we're keeping rather quiet about just for the moment. Within these grounds there are several private projects going on. AMELIA: Oh. SCORBY: This way, madam. AMELIA: Goodbye. [SCENE_BREAK] CHASE: So sorry to have kept you waiting. DOCTOR: Not at all, not at all. CHASE: I do hope you haven't been bored. DOCTOR: Oh no, I've been watching your little toy. It's most efficient. CHASE: Yes, isn't it. The problem is keeping it stocked up. DOCTOR: Yes, at the moment it's working on an empty stomach. CHASE: The next time it starts, we must give it something to bite on. You've noticed how lush the grounds are? DOCTOR: Oh, yes. CHASE: This is the secret. We put everything into the grinder. Every scrap of food and garden waste, lots of other things. Provided they're organic. DOCTOR: I'm sure you're noted for your tidiness. How is Keeler? CHASE: Dear Arnold. A brilliant researcher and a dedicated botanist. And now, properly nurtured, he can be of inestimable value to science. DOCTOR: Nurtured. You don't mean to say you've been feeding him? [SCENE_BREAK] AMELIA: It is a fascinating house. The mixture of styles is charming. This corridor must be early sixteenth century, is it not? SCORBY: I'm sorry, history isn't my strong point. Would you mind coming this way, please? GUARD: We've covered the south and west sections. There's no sign of the girl. SCORBY: Yes, all right, thank you. (to Amelia) Sorry, we're just doing a bit of a security exercise. Would you excuse me a moment? A word in your ear. SARAH: Psst! Miss Ducat! Please. AMELIA: My dear child, are you all right? SARAH: That man Scorby mustn't see me. I'm trying to find the Doctor. AMELIA: What's happening? SARAH: Will you tell Sir Colin Thackeray at the World Ecology Bureau that we've found the pod but we're trapped here. Please? SCORBY: Were you talking to someone? AMELIA: Talking? SCORBY: I thought I heard voices. AMELIA: That must have been me. I'm always talking to myself. It's old age, you know. Happens to us all. Er, this is the way out, is it not? SCORBY: Er, yeah, just go straight [SCENE_BREAK] CHASE: Right, get out. CHASE: I shall set the machine on automatic control, which means it will start up again in a few minutes time. Your death will be agonising, Doctor, but mercifully quick. DOCTOR: What can I say? CHASE: Blood and bone contain the most valuable nitrogen elements. Just think. After shredding, your remains will pass automatically through my compost acceleration chamber and within twenty five minutes you will be pumped into the garden to become part of nature's grand design. DOCTOR: I still can't think of anything to say. [SCENE_BREAK] AMELIA: Very kind. There we are. THACKERAY: Well, what happened? AMELIA: You were quite right, Sir Colin. The girl and the Doctor have run into trouble. THACKERAY: And did Chase suspect anything? AMELIA: I think not. The debt for my picture was a splendid excuse. DUNBAR: You saw the Doctor? AMELIA: No, but I saw Miss Smith. They've found the pod but they're both trapped in the house. THACKERAY: So Chase is behind this, after all. AMELIA: Well, it would seem so. What are you going to do to help them? THACKERAY: We'd better alert the Doctor's friends at UNIT. This is getting too big for us. DUNBAR: No, wait. Let me go in alone. THACKERAY: You'll never get past the gate. DUNBAR: Yes, I will. They know me already. THACKERAY: What do you mean? DUNBAR: I've made a terrible mistake, Sir Colin. It's my duty to try and save the situation. THACKERAY: I don't understand. DUNBAR: Give me half an hour. If I'm not back by then, return to London and contact UNIT. [SCENE_BREAK] HARGREAVES: Now, Mister Keeler [SCENE_BREAK] SARAH: Doctor! DOCTOR: Quick, Sarah, the button! DOCTOR: Not that button, the other one! SARAH: Are you all right? DOCTOR: Oh, Sarah. SARAH: What? DOCTOR: It would have been such a waste! [SCENE_BREAK] DUNBAR: I warned you not to go too far. You must abandon the experiment, destroy that abomination. CHASE: The search for knowledge knows no boundaries. This is the most valuable study in plant biology ever made. Nothing will stop me now. I will cultivate the Krynoid. HARGREAVES: Mister Chase! Mister Chase, that thing in the cottage, it's a monster! It's breaking loose. CHASE: What? HARGREAVES: The ropes, they're not going to hold it. DUNBAR: You mean that horror could be roaming around? HARGREAVES: It could be in the grounds by now. DUNBAR: I'm going for help. If that thing's free it will kill us all. CHASE: I would prefer it if you kept your mouth shut. DUNBAR: No, it's all gone far enough. I'm going for help. CHASE: You won't get past the guards. DUNBAR: We'll see. CHASE: Scorby! Get Dunbar! [SCENE_BREAK] SARAH: It's gone! DOCTOR: Yes, but where?

Sarah is saved from a Krynoid fate and runs off, but the same can't be said for one of Chase's men. Not only is he simultaneously devoured and transformed, his fascinated employer will do all he can to encourage the process. The Doctor gets introduced to Chase's grinder and compost acceleration chamber, which promises him a painful yet swift death en route to making him one with nature, via the garden's nutrient pump. The situation has finally gone too far for Dunbar, who outs his own involvement in this matter and stands up to Chase, only to come face to face with a fully developed Krynoid.

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THE MONSTER OF PELADON BY: BRIAN HAYLES PART FIVE 5:30pm - 5:55pm [SCENE_BREAK] 1: INT. COMMUNICATIONS ROOM AZAXYR: The sonic lance has a self-destruct circuit...which I have already pre-set by remote control. If the rebel should try to fire it, it will destroy itself. It will, of course, kill all those in the area. (SARAH up from the monitor in shock at the Ice Lord.) [SCENE_BREAK] 2: INT. CAVE OVERLOOKING CITADEL (The DOCTOR and ETTIS start to grapple with their swords in the middle of the cave. ETTIS kicks the back of the DOCTOR'S leg, knocking him to the ground. He stands on his sword before he can retrieve it and the DOCTOR rolls away to avoid the sudden thrust of ETTIS' free sword downwards. He gets to his feet but unarmed now, he has to avoid each deadly jab of ETTIS'S sword. He manages to grab his arm and throw the man down, dislodging the sword from his grasp and throwing at across the cave.) DOCTOR: Come on, Ettis, this is pointless. (ETTIS starts to clamber up.) ETTIS: Yes, Doctor, you're right. I am a fool! (He head butts the DOCTOR in the stomach. He falls to the ground. ETTIS picks him up and throws him into the rock face of the cave and then throws him over and onto the floor. The DOCTOR staggers to his feet and ETTIS knocks him back with an almighty punch to the face. He then starts to power up the lance. The DOCTOR manages to get back to his feet again...) DOCTOR: No, Ettis, no! (...only for ETTIS to land two more punches on him, once more knocking him to the ground. ETTIS returns to the lance and presses the firing switch. The cave is filled with a massive explosion.) [SCENE_BREAK] 3: INT. COMMUNICATIONS ROOM (SARAH watches events on the monitor in horror.) SARAH: You killed him! You killed the Doctor! AZAXYR: I was defending the safety of the citadel. The death of the Doctor was an unfortunate necessity. (He switches the monitor off.) AZAXYR: You would do well to accept the situation. [SCENE_BREAK] 4: INT. CAVE OVERLOOKING CITADEL (Aside from the drifting smoke, all is still in the cave. The DOCTOR lies to one side. He is not moving.) [SCENE_BREAK] 5: INT. COMMUNICATIONS ROOM SARAH: (To AZAXYR.) You still haven't won, you know? The rebels control the mines and you can't go down there because of the heat. AZAXYR: But we have switched off the heating controls. We merely have to wait for the temperature to return to normal. SARAH: Gebek and his miners know every inch of those tunnels. They won't surrender. AZAXYR: Again you underestimate me. The mines... (ECKERSLEY walks into the communications room.) AZAXYR: Ah, Eckersley. ECKERSLEY: Yes? AZAXYR: Just the man I wanted to see. The mines have a ventilation system, have they not, controlled from the refinery? ECKERSLEY: That's right, yes. (AZAXYR crosses to SARAH.) AZAXYR: Your miners can withstand heat, but they cannot live without air. Eckersley, you will go to the refinery at once and you will turn the ventilation system off. (SARAH runs across the room to plead with ECKERSLEY.) SARAH: No! No, tell him you won't do it! If they're forced out of the mines, they'll be massacred! ECKERSLEY: (Laughs.) Of course they won't! SARAH: They will! He's already killed the Doctor! (The smile disappears off ECKERSLEY'S face. He looks at AZAXYR.) AZAXYR: The Doctor was too dangerous to live, Eckersley. ECKERSLEY: (To SARAH.) Look, I'm sorry about the Doctor, believe me, but...he should never have got involved in local politics, and I'm not making the same mistake. (He leaves the room.) AZAXYR: Sskel, take her to the throne room and keep her with the others. (SSKEL takes SARAH'S arm roughly in his clamp-like hand and drags her from the room.) AZAXYR: (To ALPHA CENTAURI.) Now, Ambassador, we have work to do. There are several matters I wish to discuss with you concerning the future administration of this planet on more efficient lines. I shall require your help. [SCENE_BREAK] 6: INT. CAVE OVERLOOKING CITADEL (Within the cave, there is movement. The DOCTOR comes round and slowly gets to his feet, groaning. He looks at the still-smoking remains of the sonic lance and crosses over to it. He looks round further and suddenly a look of concern appears on his face. He runs from the cave.) [SCENE_BREAK] 7: INT. TUNNEL (He makes his way with some speed down one tunnel...) [SCENE_BREAK] 8: INT. ANOTHER TUNNEL (...but finds that he is still weak from his battle as he goes further along. He sits down on a rock to rest. No longer has he done so than he hears GEBEK calling from down the tunnel...) GEBEK: (OOV.) Doctor? DOCTOR: Gebek? (GEBEK runs up to him.) GEBEK: Oh, I was just on my way to find you. Well, did you manage to stop him? DOCTOR: Well, something did. The whole gun blew up. (GEBEK sighs with relief and smiles.) GEBEK: Thank goodness for that. (Puzzled.) But, er, what happened to Ettis? DOCTOR: I'm afraid he's dead. (GEBEK looks grim.) DOCTOR: How are thing's going? GEBEK: Oh, not too well. (He sits next to the DOCTOR.) GEBEK: We drove the Ice Warriors out of the mines but we couldn't break through to the citadel. Now the temperature dropping, soon they'll be able to come in after us. And worse than that... (He sniffs.) GEBEK: The air's getting stale. DOCTOR: Mmm, yes, I've noticed. Well they've probably switched the ventilation system off. GEBEK: We'll be gradually forced up to the upper levels. There are Ice wai...Warriors waiting at every exit. DOCTOR: Now where's the ventilation controlled from - do you know? GEBEK: Yes, the, er, refinery. DOCTOR: Well, you'd better take me there straight away. (They get up.) DOCTOR: And by the way, where's Sarah? (GEBEK hesitates.) DOCTOR: Well, answer me, man! Where is she? GEBEK: I left her looking after Rima, Doctor. But when I went back for her, he was dead. She was gone. DOCTOR: What? GEBEK: I'm sorry. DOCTOR: Well, it's not your fault, is it? Now don't worry, old chap, we'll find her. [SCENE_BREAK] 9: INT. THRONE ROOM (SARAH has been taken to the throne room. There, THALIRA and ORTRON attempt to comfort her...) THALIRA: We will never forget him, Sarah. He was a true friend to Peladon. His name will always be honoured. SARAH: (Stunned.) I still can't believe it. I...I can't believe that he's dead. You see, he was the most alive person I ever met. ORTRON: (Softly.) Well, perhaps he escaped somehow? There's always a chance. SARAH: That's what the Doctor used to say - "There's always a chance, that while there's life..." (She breaks off, unable to complete the sentence. The awkward silence is broken when a slightly hysterical ALPHA CENTAURI bursts into the room past SSKEL who is stood on guard outside in the passage...) ALPHA CENTAURI: Your Majesty! I have just had an exhausting meeting with Commander Azaxyr, discussing his plans for his future rule of this planet. ORTRON: (Outraged.) His rule? Queen Thalira rules Peladon! ALPHA CENTAURI: In name only from now on. Azaxyr plans an extension of martial law over the entire planet. All able-bodied citizens will be conscripted to work in the trisilicate mines. THALIRA: (Fiercely.) My people will never submit to this! ALPHA CENTAURI: I fear your people will have little choice, your Majesty. ORTRON: But surely the Federation won't approve? SARAH: Then it's up to us to get a message to the Federation and tell them what Azaxyr is up to. ALPHA CENTAURI: I've already tried that. Azaxyr has blocked all the communications circuits. I could activate the spatial distress beacon but it only sends a signal on a pre-set frequency - a general call for help. SARAH: A kind of SOS? Well, let's try it. Was the communications room guarded when you left? ALPHA CENTAURI: No, it was empty. SARAH: Then all we've got to do is get there - but how? ORTRON: (To THALIRA.) There is the secret passage behind the throne. THALIRA: In full view of the guard? SARAH: We've got to get past him. (SARAH jabs at thumb at SSKEL.) THALIRA: If we could entice him from the doorway, he's far too slow to prevent our escaping. ORTRON: Our escaping, your Majesty? THALIRA: Yes, Ortron. We intend to join our people in the mines. ORTRON: Your Majesty, I forbid it! THALIRA: (Fiercely.) What would you have me do, Orton? Stay here to become a puppet queen for Commander Azaxyr? See my people made slaves? (ORTRON drops his eyes.) ORTRON: Your Majesty, you put me to shame. (He turns to a smiling SARAH.) ORTRON: We shall assist you in your escape. SARAH: Well the first thing we need to do is create a diversion. (She looks over towards SSKEL outside the doorway and an idea comes to her.) SARAH: Your Majesty, do you think you could faint convincingly? (THALIRA smiles.) [SCENE_BREAK] 10: INT. PASSAGE OUTSIDE THRONE ROOM (LATER) (A short time later, ALPHA CENTAURI bustles out of the throne room and up to SSKEL.) ALPHA CENTAURI: The Queen is ill. (SSKEL swings round and sees THALIRA lying on the steps of the throne with SARAH and ORTRON attending to her.) ALPHA CENTAURI: You must summon medical assistance, immediately. (SARAH gestures to SSKEL who lumbers into the room. CENTAURI remains in the doorway and watches as he gets near to the Queen. SARAH suddenly pushes him from behind.) SARAH: Run everybody! [SCENE_BREAK] 11: INT. THRONE ROOM (But SSKEL has stepped onto the edge of the Queen's cloak and she is unable to move. She screams. As SARAH and ALPHA CENTAURI run off, ORTRON runs back to help the Queen.) ORTRON: Your Majesty! (He grabs SSKEL'S arm and pulls him off the Queen.) ORTRON: Run, your Majesty! (THALIRA runs with speed for the door but SSKEL has swung round to face ORTRON and blasts the High Priest with his sonic gun. ORTRON is caught full by the shot and falls to the floor. The Queen looks back and sees what has occurred. She runs to the fallen man.) THALIRA: Ortron! (SSKEL raises his gun at her as she tends to ORTRON, but at that moment, AZAXYR stalks into the room.) AZAXYR: No! (SSKEL lowers his gun while AZAXYR looks round and sees who is missing.) AZAXYR: (To THALIRA.) The Ambassador...and the Doctor's companion - where are they? (THALIRA thinks desperately.) THALIRA: They went to tunnels. They wanted to join Gebek and...the rebels. AZAXYR: How very convenient. Let there be no more of this foolishness, your Majesty. You can see for yourself the results of defying the Ice Warriors. Guard her. (He leaves. SSKEL stands over her as she takes off her cloak and covers the dead man with it.) [SCENE_BREAK] 12: INT. MINE TUNNEL (GEBEK leads the DOCTOR through a deserted mine tunnel. He suddenly sees something ahead and gestures to the DOCTOR to hide. They run back a short distance and hide behind a pit-prop and a pillar of rock. An Ice Warrior walks along the tunnel from the way that they would have taken and into a side tunnel. When it has gone, the DOCTOR and GEBEK set off again.) [SCENE_BREAK] 13: INT. TUNNEL OUTSIDE REFINERY (They come to the outside of the refinery. The junction box with the alarm equipment has been re-locked but someone is already inside. The DOCTOR gingerly approaches the door but the ever-vigilant GEBEK hears another noise and hurriedly signals to the DOCTOR that someone is approaching them from the same direction that they have just come from. The two hide behind a ledge of rock and watch as AZAXYR and an Ice Warrior come out of the tunnel. They both go inside the refinery and shut the heavy metal door behind them.) [SCENE_BREAK] 14: INT. REFINERY (ECKERSLEY is inside the well-lit refinery, sat at a large bank of controls on the right-hand side of the room. On the left-hand side of the room, next to a curtained alcove, is a smaller control on the wall marked "VENTILATION CONTROL". AZAXYR walks up to this to examine it.) AZAXYR: Good - you have switched off the ventilation system. ECKERSLEY: Yes, it won't be long now. AZAXYR: Excellent. The Ambassador and the Doctor's companion have foolishly taken refuge...in the mines. (ECKERSLEY smiles. Behind them, the door has swung open a few inches...) [SCENE_BREAK] 15: INT. TUNNEL OUTSIDE REFINERY (The DOCTOR and GEBEK come out of hiding and silently approach the open door. They stop to listen.) [SCENE_BREAK] 16: INT. COMMUNICATIONS ROOM (SARAH and ALPHA CENTAURI have made it back to the communications room. CENTAURI twitches over the communications console, much to the impatient SARAH'S irritation...) SARAH: Come on, we haven't much time! ALPHA CENTAURI: I am trying to remember the correct circuit. SARAH: Oh, hurry up! ALPHA CENTAURI: Please? You are making me nervous. SARAH: Oh, erm, sorry, I'll...I'll let you concentrate. (She tries to calm down. Smiling, she steps back from the console.) SARAH: I'll check what's going on. (She crosses to the two monitors and switches one of them on, flicking through pictures of empty passages in the citadel and equally empty tunnels. The fourth image shows the inside of the refinery with AZAXYR, ECKERSLEY and the Ice Warrior. SARAH clicks to another image of a tunnel but, interested more in what she has seen in the refinery, flicks back to this picture.) ALPHA CENTAURI: It is done. (CENTAURI crosses to SARAH at the monitor.) ALPHA CENTAURI: Though of course there is no guarantee that anyone will hear it, or that they will act on it if they do. SARAH: Look at this. ALPHA CENTAURI: It's Eckersley and Commander Azaxyr. SARAH: Oh, I know that. (Suspiciously.) Bit chummy though, aren't they? As if they were... (She points at the console.) SARAH: Can you get me sound on this? (CENTAURI flicks a switch and the sound comes through.) AZAXYR: (On monitor.) Yes, but I see no further need for this masquerade, Eckersley. ECKERSLEY: (On monitor.) Well I do. We agreed - till we succeeded, I stay undercover. AZAXYR: (On monitor.) But this planet is almost ours. ECKERSLEY: (On monitor.) Almost isn't quite good enough. Things could still go wrong. If they do - well, I'm just an innocent bystander. AZAXYR: (On monitor.) Very well, just so long as we can soon begin shipping trisilicate to Galaxy Five. (ALPHA CENTAURI almost screams out...) ALPHA CENTAURI: They are both traitors! [SCENE_BREAK] 17: INT. REFINERY ECKERSLEY: They've agreed our terms? AZAXYR: Subject to a time limit, so we must conclude matters quickly. [SCENE_BREAK] 18: INT. TUNNEL OUTSIDE REFINERY (Outside, the DOCTOR and GEBEK are also listening to the conversation...) ECKERSLEY: (OOV: Inside refinery.) Well, I'm ready to get things moving. How soon can you regain control of the mines? [SCENE_BREAK] 19: INT. REFINERY AZAXYR: Air will run out eventually, and then they must come up. ECKERSLEY: Yes, but that will take time. AZAXYR: And time is short! (ECKERSLEY crosses to the curtained alcove.) ECKERSLEY: Then we'll smoke them out...with Aggedor! (He pulls the curtain aside. Within it is a solid statue manifestation of the spirit that has been wreaking havoc in the mines.) [SCENE_BREAK] 20: INT. TUNNEL OUTSIDE REFINERY (The DOCTOR and GEBEK look at each other in surprise and shock.) [SCENE_BREAK] 21: INT. REFINERY (ECKERSLEY crosses to the main control bank.) ECKERSLEY: That'll get them on the move. (He presses settings on the console and then moves two adjacent levers in opposite directions. He then presses a large red button which is surrounded by six red lights in a hexagonal pattern. The lights come on and, with its rising electronic burbling sound, the statue fades away.) [SCENE_BREAK] 22: INT. MINE TUNNEL (Red and glowing, it materialises in a mine tunnel. A group of four miners jump back in shock but one of them is too late in running away and he is incinerated into nothing as the "ghost" fires at him. The image fades away...) [SCENE_BREAK] 23: INT. REFINERY (...and the statue materialises back in the alcove.) [SCENE_BREAK] 24: INT. TUNNEL OUTSIDE REFINERY (The DOCTOR mouths to GEBEK "stay there". GEBEK nods and the DOCTOR crosses to the other side of the doorway, ready to sneak a look through.) [SCENE_BREAK] 25: INT. COMMUNICATIONS ROOM (SARAH and ALPHA CENTAURI have continued to watch events in the refinery on the monitor.) ALPHA CENTAURI: It seems the Doctor was right - the appearances of Aggedor were a technological trick...controlled by Eckersley. But, er, why has he been doing this? SARAH: Well, it's obvious, isn't it? He was deliberately making things worse so he could persuade you to call in his Ice Warrior friends. (Suddenly, SARAH looks at the image in shock.) SARAH: Look! (On the monitor, the DOCTOR can be clearly seen looking through the partially opened doorway.) SARAH: Ambassador, look. Look, it's the Doctor! ALPHA CENTAURI: What? SARAH: (Exultantly.) He's alive! He's alive after all! (She thinks rapidly.) SARAH: Erm, you stay here and keep sending that SOS call. I'm going to join him. (Grinning with delight, she runs from the room.) [SCENE_BREAK] 26: INT. REFINERY (AZAXYR and ECKERSLEY receive a message from SSKEL over the intercom in the refinery as the DOCTOR continues to watch through the gap in the door.) SSKEL: (OOV: Over intercom.) The miners are fleeing from the lower levels. We are destroying them as they emerge. AZAXYR: (Into intercom.) See that all exits are blocked. They must not escape. (The DOCTOR carefully and quietly opens the door a little further in order that he can look round it at the statue of Aggedor. He peeks in.) AZAXYR: It seems that our scheme is working, Eckersley. ECKERSLEY: I'd better keep up the good work then. (Having had his suspicions confirmed, the DOCTOR retreats back outside. He continues to watch through the gap as ECKERSLEY re-sets the coordinates, adjusts the two levers and presses the main red switch.) [SCENE_BREAK] 27: INT. TUNNEL (Two guards and two miners turn a corner in the tunnel and cry out in fear at the apparition of Aggedor before them. It spits out its deadly fire and all four are vapourised.) [SCENE_BREAK] 28: INT. TUNNEL OUTSIDE REFINERY (The DOCTOR closes the refinery door and re-joins GEBEK.) GEBEK: (Whispers.) What's happening, Doctor? DOCTOR: (Whispers.) I'm afraid that it's Eckersley that has been summoning up Aggedor. And now he's using him to attack your miners. GEBEK: Well we must stop him! (GEBEK makes for the door but the DOCTOR holds him back.) DOCTOR: (Whispers.) No. If we show our faces in there, Azaxyr will wipe us out without a qualm. I'm sorry, Gebek. We've got to wait our chance. [SCENE_BREAK] 29: INT. REFINERY (ECKERSLEY switches the console off.) ECKERSLEY: Well, that should do for the moment. Give them another dose later. (He crosses to the alcove and closes the curtain.) AZAXYR: Excellent. Let us return to the citadel. [SCENE_BREAK] 30: INT. TUNNEL OUTSIDE REFINERY (The DOCTOR nods at GEBEK and the two rush to their hiding place behind the ledge of rock. The three within the refinery come out and ECKERSLEY attaches a small device to the top of the alarm junction box.) AZAXYR: You have re-set the alarm? ECKERSLEY: I can't, not from here. The late, lamented Doctor jiggered the control circuits. I'll have to re-set the alarm from the communications room. (He sets off down the tunnels.) AZAXYR: (To the Ice Warrior.) Guard the refinery. (The Ice Warrior nods and stands sentinel and AZAXYR follows ECKERSLEY into the tunnels. The DOCTOR and GEBEK see and hear this.) DOCTOR: (Whispers.) How long will it take them to get back to the communications room? GEBEK: (Whispers.) Five minutes, maybe ten - why? DOCTOR: (Whispers.) Well, that's how long we've got to get rid of our friend here, fix that alarm system and get back into the refinery. GEBEK: (Whispers.) But how? He'll blast us as soon as we break cover. DOCTOR: (Whispers.) Yes, I'm well aware of that. [SCENE_BREAK] 31: INT. TUNNEL (SARAH quietly makes her way through one of the tunnels.) [SCENE_BREAK] 32: INT. TUNNEL OUTSIDE REFINERY (She comes out at the refinery and the Ice Warrior guard swings round to aim at her with its sonic gun. She gasps and then sees that behind the Ice Warrior, the DOCTOR and GEBEK have come out of hiding and that the Peladonian is grasping a large rock in his hands. SARAH raises her hands in surrender and as a distraction.) SARAH: Don't shoot! No, I'm...! (GEBEK crashes the rock down onto the back of the Ice Warrior's helmet. The Martian crashes to the floor.) SARAH: Gebek! (She rushes up to the DOCTOR.) SARAH: Oh, Doctor, you...! (She hugs him.) SARAH: Oh, you're alive! I...I thought you'd been blown up in the cave?! DOCTOR: Luckily for me, that was Ettis. SARAH: I don't know, can't you ever stay out of trouble? DOCTOR: My dear Sarah, there's nothing I like more than a quiet life. SARAH: Oh! DOCTOR: Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got something very important to do in a very short space of time. (He crosses to the junction box, having to step over the Ice Warrior to do so.) DOCTOR: Look, can you get him out of the light? SARAH: Yes! GEBEK: Yes, Doctor, we'll take him... (SARAH and GEBEK grab a leg each of the Ice Warrior and start to drag him across the passage.) [SCENE_BREAK] 33: INT. TUNNEL (ECKERSLEY and AZAXYR reach the secret entrance to the citadel. The traitorous engineer pulls down the torch bracket and the door swings open. They go through it.) [SCENE_BREAK] 34: INT. PASSAGE (Within the citadel, AZAXYR stalks off towards the communications room while ECKERSLEY re-closes the door.) [SCENE_BREAK] 35: INT. TUNNEL OUTSIDE REFINERY (Watched by GEBEK and SARAH, the DOCTOR uses his sonic screwdriver to re-open the junction box.) [SCENE_BREAK] 36: INT. COMMUNICATIONS ROOM (ALPHA CENTAURI watches this on the monitor. Suddenly, AZAXYR and ECKERSLEY walk in and see him in surprise.) AZAXYR: Ambassador! (CENTAURI hurriedly switches off the image before the two new arrivals see it.) AZAXYR: What are you doing here? I was told you had taken refuge in the mines. ALPHA CENTAURI: Nonsense. I was simply trying to keep out of the way. AZAXYR: (Suspiciously.) Yes, but why here? (He looks round and crosses to the communications console.) AZAXYR: Could it be that you are trying to send a message to the Federation? (He spots the setting and hisses in anger.) AZAXYR: The spatial distress beacon! (His clamp-like hand slams down and switches the beacon off.) AZAXYR: You have been very foolish, Ambassador. ALPHA CENTAURI: I merely thought that things were getting out of control, it would be wise... (Coughs.) ...to summon more help for you. AZAXYR: (Angrily.) But things are not getting out of control, Ambassador. This planet is firmly under my command. If you disobey me again, Ambassador, you will take the consequences. ECKERSLEY: (Placatory.) Commander, I'm sure the Ambassador meant it for the best. (AZAXYR calms down.) AZAXYR: Very well, Eckersley. I will give you one last chance, Ambassador. You will come with me to the throne room - now! (AZAXYR storms out with ALPHA CENTAURI behind him. ECKERSLEY is following...) [SCENE_BREAK] 37: INT. TUNNEL OUTSIDE REFINERY (The DOCTOR continues his re-sabotage of the junction box as SARAH keeps a wary eye on the tunnel.) SARAH: (Whispers.) How's it going? DOCTOR: (Quietly.) Nearly finished. [SCENE_BREAK] 38: INT. COMMUNICATIONS ROOM (In the doorway of the communications room, ECKERSLEY calls down the outside passage.) ECKERSLEY: I'll catch you up. I forgot to switch the alarm on. (He comes back in and heads for the console.) [SCENE_BREAK] 39: INT. TUNNEL OUTSIDE REFINERY DOCTOR: Well, that's the alarm fixed - now for the door. [SCENE_BREAK] 40: INT. COMMUNICATIONS ROOM (ECKERSLEY switches the alarm on - just too late - and leaves the room.) [SCENE_BREAK] 41: INT. THRONE ROOM (With SSKEL in attendance, a scowling THALIRA sits on her throne and faces AZAXYR as ALPHA CENTAURI listens.) AZAXYR: Trisilicate production will be resumed immediately, your Majesty, using all available modern tools. I shall expect your Majesty's full cooperation. (THALIRA can barely keep her temper...) THALIRA: When my father signed treaties with the Federation, he could not have known it would lead to nothing but bloodshed! However...we must accept the consequences. AZAXYR: A wise attitude, your Majesty. (ALPHA CENTAURI cannot keep silent any longer and bursts out...) ALPHA CENTAURI: Do not believe him, your Majesty! The Federation has no part in this! Commander Azaxyr is a traitor - Eckersley too! They plan to ship the trisilicate to our enemies of Galaxy Five! AZAXYR: You were warned, Ambassador! (He steps back to enable SSKEL to have a clear shot at CENTAURI.) AZAXYR: Sskel! (SSKEL raises his sonic gun but THALIRA jumps to her feet.) THALIRA: No! (ECKERSLEY, as cool as ever, also steps forward.) ECKERSLEY: No. No, no. Whatever he knows, we still need him. ALPHA CENTAURI: Thank you, Eckersley, but you are still a traitor. THALIRA: (Shocked.) Then this is true, Eckersley? ECKERSLEY: Yes, your Majesty, it's true. But it doesn't make any difference to you, does it? THALIRA: Peladon has never dishonoured a treaty. Our loyalty is to the Federation. (AZAXYR steps back forward, hissing angrily.) AZAXYR: There is your loyalty. (He points to SSKEL'S sonic gun which the Ice Warrior raises and points at the Queen. She looks down at it coolly.) AZAXYR: You will obey...or perish! ECKERSLEY: (To ALPHA CENTAURI.) Now, Ambassador, you must be a lot brighter than you look. How come you're so well informed, hmm? ALPHA CENTAURI: You were betrayed by your own security system, Eckersley. ECKERSLEY: What? ALPHA CENTAURI: When you were conspiring with the Commander, Sarah and I overheard you on the monitor. ECKERSLEY: Sarah? AZAXYR: The girl! (He turns to THALIRA.) AZAXYR: You said she had joined the rebels in the mines. Where is she? (THALIRA, without taking her sardonic gaze off AZAXYR, resumes her seat on the throne. The Ice Lord turns to ALPHA CENTAURI.) AZAXYR: Where is she, Ambassador? (CENTAURI looks away and blinks. AZAXYR approaches menacingly.) AZAXYR: You will answer...if you value your life. (CENTAURI looks at ECKERSLEY for support but gets none. He turns back simpering to AZAXYR.) ALPHA CENTAURI: She...left before you arrived. When she saw the Doctor on the monitor, she went to the refinery. (AZAXYR hisses in shock at this revelation.) AZAXYR: The Doctor! ECKERSLEY: The refinery! AZAXYR: Sskel! Go to the refinery at once! If the Doctor is there, destroy him! (SSKEL lumbers out on his mission.) [SCENE_BREAK] 42: INT. TUNNEL OUTSIDE REFINERY (The DOCTOR re-wires the two connections and once more the lights within the box start to flash.) DOCTOR: Right, that's it. In you go. (GEBEK opens the door and SARAH walks in, followed by the miner. The DOCTOR re-closes the box.) [SCENE_BREAK] 43: INT. TUNNEL (SSKEL makes his way towards the refinery.) [SCENE_BREAK] 44: INT. TUNNEL OUTSIDE REFINERY (The DOCTOR uses his sonic screwdriver to re-lock the junction box.) [SCENE_BREAK] 45: INT. REFINERY (He then enters the refinery and GEBEK closes the door after him.) DOCTOR: Right, the first thing we've gotta do is ventilation back on. Give those miners of yours some air. (He crosses to the ventilation control, presses a switch and pulls a lever down.) DOCTOR: There, that should do it. (SARAH pulls the curtain back from the alcove, revealing the statue within.) SARAH: How about this, Doctor. DOCTOR: Yes, I've seen it. (He crosses to the console and takes the seat. SARAH follows him and points at the controls.) SARAH: Well, what's that thing then? DOCTOR: Mmm? SARAH: That thing - what is it? DOCTOR: Oh, that's just a simple matter projector, linked to a directional heat ray. Er, the projector sends an image of that... (He points at the statue.) DOCTOR: ...and the heat ray does the damage. GEBEK: The appearances of Aggedor were all done from here? DOCTOR: Yes, that's right - by Eckersley or one of his Ice Warrior friends. Very clever piece of work this. Quite an engineer, our friend Eckersley. [SCENE_BREAK] 46: INT. TUNNEL OUTSIDE REFINERY (SSKEL arrives at the refinery. He looks round and sees the fallen Ice Warrior on the floor. He then goes over to the door, aims his sonic gun and fires...) [SCENE_BREAK] 47: INT. REFINERY (The DOCTOR is still looking over the controls.) DOCTOR: Directional coordinates are here... (SARAH sniffs the air.) SARAH: Something's burning. (She looks round and sees a tiny pin-point of smoking red on the metal door.) SARAH: Doctor, look! [SCENE_BREAK] 48: INT. THRONE ROOM (THALIRA and ALPHA CENTAURI are still in the throne room with ECKERSLEY and guarded by two Ice Warriors.) ALPHA CENTAURI: What puzzles me, Eckersley, is your reason for this betrayal. ECKERSLEY: It's simply a matter of business, Ambassador. I'll get a percentage of all the trisilicate mined on Peladon, just to make me the richest and the most powerful man in the galaxy. THALIRA: Most powerful? ECKERSLEY: Yes, your Majesty. When the Ice Warriors have won, I shall be ruler of Earth. ALPHA CENTAURI: And what of Commander Azaxyr? ECKERSLEY: No, it's only military glory he's after. ALPHA CENTAURI: (Puzzled.) But the Ice Warriors have been loyal members of the Federation for many years. ECKERSLEY: Azaxyr's head of some kind of breakaway group. He wants to return to the good old days of death or glory. (AZAXYR walks back in.) ECKERSLEY: Ah, Commander. AZAXYR: It appears that the Doctor is indeed alive. But Sskel has him trapped...in the refinery. (THALIRA lowers her eyes at the inevitability.) [SCENE_BREAK] 49: INT. TUNNEL OUTSIDE REFINERY (Two more Ice Warriors join SSKEL as he continues to blast at the metal door.) SSKEL: Help me. (They line up opposite the door.) [SCENE_BREAK] 50: INT. REFINERY (Within the refinery, the DOCTOR frantically re-sets the controls.) [SCENE_BREAK] 51: INT. TUNNEL OUTSIDE REFINERY (As the three Ice Warriors blast at the door, more and more of the metal melts away. A larger and larger hole is being created...) [SCENE_BREAK] 52: INT. REFINERY (SARAH and GEBEK run back from the door as smoke pours through the gaping hole and over to the DOCTOR.) SARAH: (Shouts.) Hurry, Doctor! There's a whole crowd of them out there now! GEBEK: (Shouts.) They'll be through any minute, Doctor! (Through the hole, the green form of the attacking Ice Warriors can be seen...)

Sarah and Alpha Centauri decide to try and alert the Federation to what the Ice Warriors are up to but first they have to escape from the throne room.

fd_Charmed_06x19

fd_Charmed_06x19_0

[Scene: Street. Phoebe and Paige pull up in their car, and Darryl pulls up in his car. They get out.] Paige: You sure this is the right place? Phoebe: It's just as I saw it in my premonition. Paige: Yeah, but you kind of forced that premonition. Phoebe: Darryl, will you hurry up, I got a date. Darryl: Where's he gonna be? Phoebe: At a restaurant down town. Darryl: No, I meant where's the killer going to be? Phoebe: Oh, he's going to be robbing a pawn shop in the alley. Darryl: So exactly how do we know that he's possessed? Paige: When the phantasm comes out of him and tries to annihilate us. Darryl: Whoa, wait. So the perp's not responsible for the other killings? It's this, whatever you call it? Phoebe: No, no, he is. The phantasm only possesses bad guys. To make them worse. Okay, shall we? (Phoebe heads for the alley.) Darryl: She really wants this demon, doesn't she? Paige: No. She really wants her date. [Cut to the alley. Phoebe and Paige are hiding beside a dumpster, watching the burglar break in to the pawn shop. Darryl joins them.] Phoebe: Okay, go, go. Darryl: Okay, just make sure you do your thing before any annihilating occurs, okay? Phoebe: Have we ever let you down? Go. (Darryl stands in the middle of the alley and points his gun at the burglar.) Darryl: Freeze! Police! (The burglar turns around. Phoebe comes out from behind the dumpster.) Paige: Wait. Not yet. (The burglar pulls out his gun and shoots. Phoebe pushes Darryl out of the way just in time. The burglar shoots again. Darryl shoots at the burglar and hits him in the chest. He falls to the ground.) Throw the potion. (Phoebe throws the potion and hits the burglar. The phantasm rises out of the burglar's body.) Darryl: Mother of god. Phoebe: Now. Now. (Paige holds up a wand and sucks the phantasm into it. It screams as it gets sucked in.) Paige: Want it? Phoebe: No. Darryl: You guys saved my life. Paige: That's okay, we put you at risk. Again. Phoebe: You caught a killer and you saved an innocent. Not bad for a night's work. I gotta go. Tell Sheila I said hi, okay? (Phoebe and Paige rush out of the alley.) Darryl: Uh, yeah, I'll call it in. You guys better get on out of here before... somebody sees you. [Cut to the street. Phoebe and Paige walk towards their car. Paige sees a car parked near by.] Paige: Hey, was that car there before? Phoebe: Geez, Paige, relax. You act like we've never done this before. [Cut to inside the car. Inspector Sheridan is there holding a video camera. She replays the footage and shows everything that just happened in the alley.] Inspector Sheridan: Gotcha. Opening Credits [Scene: Manor. Kitchen. Phoebe is there making a potion. Paige walks in.] Paige: Morning. How was your date? Phoebe: Good. Other than the fact that he's not the man of my dreams. Paige: You can tell that from one date? Phoebe: I can tell that because I see nothing in the future for us besides s*x, and I'm not interested in that. Paige: s*x? Phoebe: No, wasting my time. Either you're the father of the child that I saw in my vision or not. So I'm moving on. Can you pass me the asphodel root? Paige: Yeah. What, are you demon hunting? Phoebe: No, lunch date. I want to make sure I get a hit off of him before the entrees come. No sense wasting those calories, right? Paige: Wait a second. So now you're trying to force premonitions on your dates? Phoebe: Well, it's the quickest way to find out who I'm looking for, right? Paige: Does it even matter to you that you're breaking every wiccan rule that exists? Phoebe: I think after all these years, I know what I'm doing. Besides, with Piper in magic school, we're down a power. We could use the extra boost. Paige: Maybe. I just hope we don't misuse it. (Chris orbs in.) Chris: There's the book. Do you mind? Phoebe: No, knock yourself out. Chris: Been working some demonic connections. I think I have a new theory on who might be trying to turn Wyatt evil. Paige: Oh, a new theory. What's that, the third one this week? Chris: What? Are you keeping score now? Phoebe: She's just grumpy because she hasn't had her coffee yet. Paige: I am not grumpy. Okay, fine, maybe a little bit, but you have to admit you've had a lot of different theories lately, and none of them have panned out. Chris: That's why they call them theories. Paige: Do we even get along in the future? Phoebe: How's Piper? Have you seen her? Chris: She's good. Uh, big. You know, I keep thinking how weird it's gonna be to actually see myself being born. Phoebe: And how's Leo? Chris: Leo? Don't know. Haven't seen him. Phoebe: That's because you're avoiding him still, aren't you? Chris, he's your father. You have to talk to him. How are you gonna change anything in the future if you don't? Chris: That's not the future I came back to change. Thanks. (Chris orbs out.) Paige: Hey, don't look at me. I'm grumpy. (The doorbell rings.) [Cut to the foyer. Phoebe opens the door. Sheila is there crying.] Phoebe: Sheila. What's the matter? Come in, come in, come in, come in. (Paige walks in.) Paige: What's going on? Sheila: It's Darryl. Phoebe: What about Darryl? Is he okay? Sheila: They just arrested him. For murder. (Phoebe and Paige stand there shocked.) [Scene: Police Station. Room. Phoebe, Paige and Darryl are there.] Darryl: I don't really know what happened. It's all kind of a blur. Phoebe: What are you talking about? It was self defence. He shot first. Several times. Darryl: He did? Paige: You don't remember any of that? Did you get hit on the head or something? Maybe when you pushed him down. Phoebe: No, he was fine after that. Something weird is going on here. (A lawyer walks in.) Lawyer: Lieutenant Morris. I'm sorry, but we really have to prepare for your arraignment. Darryl: It's okay. They're my friends. Phoebe: Yeah, and there's a problem here because this man is innocent. Lawyer: Yeah? How do you know? Phoebe: Because I was there... driving around in the area. Lawyer: Perjuring yourself isn't going to help any, lady. The prosecution's evidence is overwhelming, trust me. Paige: Evidence? What evidence? Darryl: It's okay. Show them. (The lawyer inserts a CD in his laptop and a video of Darryl and the burglar shows up on the screen. Darryl is pointing his gun at the burglar.) Burglar: Please. Please don't kill me! No! Don't kill me! (Darryl shoots his gun three times.) Phoebe: That's not what happened. [Cut to the office. Inspector Sheridan is sitting at her desk. Phoebe and Paige walk up to her.] Phoebe: Inspector Sheridan. Inspector Sheridan: Yes. Phoebe: We would like to talk to you. Paige: Easy. Phoebe: Do you have a personal grudge against Darryl Morris? Inspector Sheridan: Morris? Phoebe: Yeah. We know you faked the images on the tape, and we're here to let you know that we're not gonna sit around and watch you frame our friend. Paige: She's a little upset. Inspector Sheridan: Yes, I can see that. And you are? Phoebe: Phoebe. Phoebe Halliwell. Inspector Sheridan: Halliwell. Hm. Your name certainly pops up in his file plenty. For the record, I didn't fake anything, 'cause I was there, undercover, and I saw it go down with my own eyes. I've been investigating Morris for a few weeks now, trying to figure out why so many of his suspects over the last five years just vanish or mysteriously wind up dead. Now I know. He takes the law into his own hands. Excuse me. (She walks away.) Paige: Well? Phoebe: If she was lying, I couldn't sense it. Paige: Then how do you explain what happened? [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Market. The street is full of people walking around. Phoebe and Paige orb right in the middle of everyone. They all run away frightened.] Paige: Sure hope this works. Phoebe: It will. Coffee cart. Paige: Orb away. (The coffee cart orbs out.) Phoebe: "Flowers that bring desire, make them turn into fire." (The flower stall goes up in flames. People scream. Suddenly the whole place freezes. The Cleaners appear.) I see you got our message. Cleaner #1: What do you think you're doing now? Phoebe: Well, we didn't know how else to call for you. Figured you weren't listed in the yellow pages. Cleaner #1: What do you want? Phoebe: We want to know why you framed Darryl Morris. That was your doing, wasn't it? Cleaner #1: Magic was exposed. We were forced to clean it up. Cleaner #2: Change what was. Cleaner #1: To protect you. Phoebe: I thought we resolved this the last time you guys tried to intervene. We clean up our own magical messes. Cleaner #1: But you didn't even know about this one. You didn't realise you were being followed. Taped. Paige: Yeah, well, we always manage to fix these things somehow. Cleaner #1: No, you wouldn't have. That's why we were put on the case to begin with. It was anticipated. Phoebe: You know what? I don't care. If you don't free Darryl Morris, we're just gonna keep exposing magic and... (He holds up his hand.) Cleaner #1: This will not be like our last encounter, Miss Halliwell. We're under strict orders not to negotiate with you this time. Paige: Strict orders from whom? [Scene: Magic School. Phoebe, Paige, Leo and Gideon are there.] Leo: The Tribunal. It's a council made up of Elders and demons to monitor magic, to make sure nobody ever finds out about its use. Gideon: At whatever the cost. Leo: Which is why they created the cleaners and gave them the power to erase events, memories. Paige: Or in this case, to change them. Leo: Well, it's just part of the grand design, to allow magic to influence but not take over free will. Gideon: It's the one thing both sides could agree upon. Phoebe: Okay, so how do we find this tribunal? (Piper walks in.) Piper: Hey. What are you guys doing here? Uh-oh. What's wrong? Leo: It's Darryl. Paige: Our friendly Cleaners have struck again. He's in jail for murder. Piper: What? Why? What happened? Paige: Someone was in a hurry. Phoebe: Oh, wait. Are we blaming me for this? Did we or did we not catch the demon? Paige: Yeah, but you forced the premonition, so maybe we could've been more careful, and maybe we could've seen that somebody was watching. Phoebe: And if I hadn't, we would've never caught the killer. Leo: Alright, guys, this isn't helping. Phoebe: I know, it isn't. There's only one thing that will. [Scene: The Tribunal Council. Phoebe, Paige, Leo and Gideon orb in on the white floor. The floor is surrounded by black.] Paige: Where are we? Gideon: Nowhere. Anywhere. You don't want to know. You should know that the tribunal is not like anything you've ever faced before. They are not a power to be trifled with. Phoebe: We understand. Gideon: Do you? You might not like what's been happening to your friend, but be aware before you embark upon this journey that where it ends might just be worse. Phoebe: Call them. Gideon: "Di! Ecce hora! Uxor mea me necabit!" (The faces of Crill, Thrask and Aramis, the tribunal, appear in the black area.) Crill: What reason have you to call the tribunal? Gideon: To challenge the actions of the cleaners on behalf... of the Charmed Ones. Thrask: The Charmed Ones? But there are only two. Aramis: The other is with child. I assume the sisters will speak for her in abstentia. Phoebe: Yeah. In abstentia. Your... Greatness? Paige: There's four of them. How do they break a tie? Leo: You don't want to know. Adair: Your request has been granted. (Barbas flames in.) Phoebe: Barbas? What the hell is he doing here? Barbas: You missed me. Paige: Didn't we vanquish you? Barbas: To the fires of hell. I've been granted a temporary leave of absence in order to act as your opposing counsel. Crill: We liked his pitch. Leo: Pitch? What pitch? How did he even know about it? Thrask: We have the right to choose anybody we wish. Phoebe: Gideon. Gideon: Your Honors, in the interests of facts... Barbas: On that fairness issue, I submit that in order to expedite matters and to keep the Charmed Ones honest... Paige: Us, honest? Barbas: Uh, for their own good, we graphically remind them as to what exactly is at stake here so they do not foolishly try some trickery in order to slip away like they did the last time they faced the Cleaners. Aramis: It is done. Phoebe: What is done? Gideon: I'm not sure. (A hologram of Darryl and Sheila in a jail cell appears in the middle of the room.) Paige: Darryl? (The lawyer stands at the cell doors.) Lawyer: The governor denied the stay. Leo: What stay? What's going on? Crill: We have accelerated time. But only for the execution. Paige: Execution? Adair: You have until midnight to convince us, or his sentence will be carried out. Aramis: Magic will be protected one way or the other. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Tribunal Council. Phoebe and Paige are sitting on chairs.] Paige: We didn't know that signing up for this would put Darryl on death row. Gideon: I warned you about invoking the tribunal. Phoebe: Yeah, well, you didn't warn us that they would call upon our worst enemy. Aramis: Gideon, your case. Gideon: Yes, your honour, in just a few more moments, if you please. Thrask: We don't. You're the ones who called for us. Proceed. Phoebe: We called for justice, not the Demon of Fear. Barbas: I don't see the problem with me being here. Phoebe: There's a conflict of interest, and we believe that the tribunal should recognise this. I think this is a setup. Leo: Phoebe. Adair: How dare you question our integrity. Phoebe: Not yours. Theirs. (Phoebe stands up.) Barbas has tried to kill us three times in the past. (Phoebe walks out onto the white floor. She steps on a round blue tile in the centre of the floor. She quickly steps back and a hologram appears.) [The hologram shows:] [Scene: From Fear to Eternity (1.03). Property. Phoebe is there.] Phoebe: Mrs. Joffee. It's SWA Properties. Mrs. Joffee's Voice: Hello, dear. (Phoebe turns around to see Barbas.) Barbas: Thanks so much for coming out. (Barbas waves his hand in front of Phoebe's face.) Phoebe: I know how you kill, but there are no elevators around here. Barbas: Elevators? That's what you think your greatest fear is? You mortals need to look deeper, down where the real truth lies. Your greatest fear is losing a sister, and I get two for one. (The hologram disappears.) Barbas: Ha, the good old days. Phoebe: What the hell was that? Gideon: The circle of truth, it's enchanted. It reads thoughts and shows what needs to be seen. You must be careful. Paige: Maybe you better just sit down. Barbas: If I may, it is not my past evils that's in question here. What is in question here is these three witches' so called right to be continually cleaning up after their own magical asses. Phoebe: We have to get out of here. We have to figure out how this happened. Gideon: You can't. If you leave, Lieutenant Morris dies. Paige: Does it really matter if we were set up? The point is, we were exposed. Leo: But if we can prove he orchestrated the exposure, it might. Phoebe: Go find out what you can. Hurry. (Leo orbs out.) Barbas: Was I boring him? Gideon: With all due respect, if it truly is our case to present, may I? To better put this particular situation into its proper context, it bears reminding your honors of the long history, the long, successful history, the Charmed Ones have of shielding their magical tracks. If I may show you some examples... [Scene: Magic School. Piper and Leo are there.] Piper: I'm going. Leo: No, you can't. Piper: Well, I can't just let him hang either, Leo. Leo: Piper, if it wasn't safe for you before, it's even less safe now with Barbas there. Please? Piper: Well, what about Darryl? Does he even know what's happening? Leo: No, and I'm not going to tell him either. I need to concentrate on proving that Barbas set him up. Piper: How are you gonna do that? Leo: I was hoping that you would call Chris and get him to use his demonic connections. Piper: Why don't you ask him? Right. Chris? (Chris orbs in.) Chris: Yeah, mum, what do you... (He sees Leo.) Need. Piper: We need your help. [Scene: Tribunal Council.] Gideon: The point being, the Charmed Ones have never once failed in their duty to keep the big secret. Witness. (The hologram appears.) [The hologram shows:] [Scene: Womb Raider (4.21). Cole's Apartment. Piper, Phoebe, Paige and Darryl are there.] Darryl: I made an appointment for you at missing persons today. Paige: Wait, you want Phoebe to report Cole as missing? Darryl: She has to. Otherwise somebody else will, and she'll become the prime suspect in his disappearance. Phoebe: So you want me to pack up his stuff so it looks like he left me? Darryl: That's right. We cannot give the police any reason to suspect foul play. I mean, technically, you three did kill him. Paige: "Let the object of objection become but a dream, as I cause the scene to be unseen." (The hologram disappears.) Gideon: As you've just seen, Lieutenant Morris whom the Cleaners would have die to cover magic, is here instrumental in keeping it protected. Barbas: Could you play that hologram just a tiny bit longer? Humour me. Crill: Do it. (The hologram appears.) [The hologram shows:] [Scene: Cole's Apartment. Paige moves closer to Phoebe.] Paige: I just wish I could make the rest of your pain go away that easily. Phoebe: So do I. You murdering witch! (Phoebe smacks Paige in the face.) (The hologram disappears.) Phoebe: That's not fair, I was under the influence of evil. Barbas: Yes, you were, but then it seems like you girls so often are under the influence of one thing or another. (Another hologram appears.) [The hologram shows:] [Scene: Womb Raider (4.21). Police Station.] Inspector Miles: Your husband fits the classic profile of a deadbeat dad. (He turns away and a flame appears in Phoebe's hand.) Leo: Make it go out. Phoebe: I can't make it go out. (Phoebe throws the fireball into a trash can.) Darryl: Phoebe? I-I mean, fire! (The hologram disappears.) Barbas: Wait, you're gonna love this one. (Another hologram appears.) (The hologram shows) [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Bride and Gloom (3.13). Manor. Foyer.] Marie: So glad you're home. We have some new floral sketches we'd like you to see. Leo: Now's not really a good time. Piper: They're welcome to come in, Leo. Craig: I've revisited the dinner menu, Piper, and you are going to be thrilled. I have some dynamic choices that I... Piper: I want pigs in blankets. (The wedding planners laugh.) Marie: It's nice to see a bride who still has a sense of humour this close to the big day. Piper: No, I want pigs in blankets. (Craig turns into a pig wearing a blanket. Marie screams.) (The hologram disappears.) Gideon: I frankly don't see the relevance of any of this. It's wholly beside the point. Barbas: No, no, no. That is precisely the point. The Charmed Ones are so influenced by outside forces, how can we ever expect to continue to trust them to clean up after themselves? Phoebe: We cleaned up after each and every one of those situations. Barbas: But how close you came to not. Aramis: Continue, Gideon. Phoebe: (to Paige) Where is Leo? [Scene: Underground. Chris is holding a demon over a firey pit. Leo is standing beside him.] Chris: Barbas escaped the fires of hell, and so did you. I know he helped you. Demon: Please, I don't want to back down there. Don't throw me back down there. Leo: Chris, I don't think this is the best way. Chris: Last chance, Phinks. Phinks: Okay, okay, okay, okay! Phantasms. We used phantasms. Leo: How? Phinks: Uh, Barbas buddied up to a couple of them down there. He used them to do stuff for him, you know, since they can travel back and forth and all. Chris: What kind of stuff? Phinks: I don't know. I swear I don't know! But whatever it was, he said it could resurrect him somehow. It could give him new life, permanently too, he said, if he won something. Leo: The case. He must have used the phantasm to cut a deal with the demon members of the tribunal. We need proof. Chris: What do you think he is? Leo: He's a demon. They'll discredit him. Chris: It's better than nothing. Leo: It's a waste of time. Chris: It's the best we've got. Leo: Then we need to do better. Chris: Look... (Chris accidentally drops Phinks in the firey pit.) Shoot! Now look what you made me do! [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Tribunal Council. They are watching another hologram.] [Scene: House Call (5.13). Piper, Paige and Leo stand where the manor once was.] Paige: Piper, what did you do with the house? Piper: Oh my god. What have I done? Leo: The spell, Piper. You need to reverse it fast. Piper: I'm not sure I can. Paige: Well, then you'd better make us disappear, because this one's gonna be tough to explain. Leo: You can do it, Piper. Come on. Piper: "Let the object of objection return, so that its existence may be reaffirmed." (The manor appears around them.) Paige: Nicely done. (The hologram disappears.) Gideon: So then, despite what Barbas would have you believe, regardless of outside influences, the sisters have always managed to protect magic, and therefore based upon all the evidence, we ask the tribunal, no, we demand that the cleaners be forced to reverse what they have done, that Lieutenant Morris be freed, and that The Charmed Ones be allowed to do what they have always done so well... cover their own tracks. Respectfully. (Barbas claps.) Barbas: Bravo! Really very compelling stuff, counsellor. In fact, I think that you've just successfully argued my case for me. Paige: Now what's he up to? Barbas: Now, obviously this whole thing has now become much, much bigger than just a simple case of whether the good lieutenant bites the dust, because as we have just seen, the recklessness displayed by these three witches has now become of epidemic proportion. Gideon: Objection! May I remind my counterpart that this is simply a question of whether or not the situation should be reversed. It is not an indictment on the Charmed Ones. Barbas: Maybe it should be. Phoebe: This is what he's up to. (Another hologram appears.) Barbas: Voila! [Scene: Witches in Tights (5.05). Building Roof. Superhero Phoebe is holding Edward Miller upside down over the edge.] Edward: They don't have to move! They can stay for a year! Ten years! Phoebe: What about the cockroaches? Are you gonna do something about the cockroaches? Edward: First thing tomorrow. Just please don't drop me. Please! (Cole appears behind Phoebe.) Cole: Uh, Phoebe? Phoebe: Cole. What are you doing here? Cole: Well, I got a call from one of the tenants saying that Wonder Woman was terrorising the landlord. What the hell are you doing? Phoebe: Well, I'm teaching my buddy here how important it is to be a better person. Cole: I don't know what's going on here, but this is not you, literally. Phoebe: Are you kidding? This is better than me. This is new and improved me. Now not only can I help my readers, but I can help the entire city. Cole: Careful. He's got ears. Phoebe: Oh, please, relax. The only thing he can hear right now is the blood rushing to his brain. (Phoebe pulls Edward up and throws him onto the roof.) Okay, Cole, I gotta go, because I've got a lot of loyal readers that need my help. Okay? Cole: Okay. (Phoebe whizzes off and jumps from roof to roof.) (The hologram disappears.) Barbas: And last, but by no means least, where were the Charmed Ones to clean up this mess? (Another hologram appears.) (The hologram shows:) [Scene: Sam I Am (5.09). Bar. Cole is sitting at the bar, unshaven, drinking a shot of whiskey. Two thugs with shotguns walk in.] Thug #1: All your valuables, all your money! Hurry up! Watches, wallets. (The bartender reaches behind the bar and pulls out a gun. He points it at the thugs and before he can shoot, is shot down by Thug #1.) Come on, nothing's changed. Give me the money. Hurry up! (A biker makes a run for the exit and Thug #2 shoots continually trying to hit the biker. The biker runs past Cole and a bullet shoots straight through his chest, breaking the glass of whiskey in his hand. The thug looks at his gun, wondering how Cole is still alive. The bullet wound in Cole magically heals. He turns to the thugs and telekinetically sends the thugs crashing against the wall. Everyone runs for the exit. Thug #1 reaches for his gun and Cole throws an energy ball, incinerating him.) (The hologram disappears.) Phoebe: That is absurd. That was Cole. We weren't responsible for that. We weren't even there. Barbas: Ah, but you were there, Phoebe. It was your cold rejection of his love that drove him to that reckless despair. So I say that you were responsible. Hexes, possession, evil influences, affairs of the heart. I say we're lucky that all the magic has not been exposed beyond repair long before now. If we want to protect all that we are, all that this tribunal stands for, then I say we should not be just deciding the fate of some poor, pathetic mortal. No, we should be deciding the fate of these three, and whether they should ever be permitted to practice magic again. Aramis: So be it. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Manor. Attic. Leo and Chris are there. Leo is looking through the Book of Shadows.] Chris: Okay, I get the fact that Barbas used the phantasm to cut a deal so he could try the case. But that still doesn't explain how he set up the girls. Leo: To get it to possess the killer, so the sisters would get onto him. Chris: But that's only part of it. Alright? How did he even know Darryl was under investigation in the first place? Leo: There is nothing in here about phantasms that we don't already know. Chris: Hey! Did you listen to a word I just said? Leo: What? Chris: Never mind. Leo: You know what? This is ridiculous, okay. It's obvious you hate my guts, Chris. I understand. I'm a horrible father in the future, okay, but there's nothing I can do about that right now. So can we concentrate on working together to save Darryl and save the girls, please? Chris: Fine. Leo: Great. Alright, let's start with what we know. How about phantasms? Chris: Wait, that's it. Phantasms, plural. Phinks said Barbas buddied up to a couple of them, right? Well, that means there must be another one out there for us to find. Leo: See? I knew we could work together. [Scene: Tribunal Council.] Gideon: Are you sure about this? Paige: Yeah. If they're gonna put us on trial too, it might be the only way to save Darryl. We have to stand on our record. Phoebe: If all the good we've done in the last six years isn't good enough, then nothing is. Gideon: Very well. (to Barbas) Your witness. Barbas: Now, let's see. So many holograms, so little time. Thrask: Barbas. Barbas: Oh, well, I guess I should ask one of the cleaners a few quick questions. Crill: As you wish. (Cleaner #1 appears in the witness chair.) Barbas: You have been assigned to watch The Charmed Ones since they first became witches, have you not? Cleaner #1: That is correct. Barbas: Would Lieutenant Morris be the first policeman to die in order to clean up one of their little magical messes. Cleaner #1: No. Phoebe: Uh-oh. (A hologram appears.) (The hologram shows:) [Scene: D j vu All Over Again (1.22). Manor. Foyer. Piper and Phoebe are there.] Piper: Are you okay? Phoebe: Yeah. (They look in the living room to see Andy laying on the floor.) Oh. (They run over to Andy and Piper checks his pulse.) Piper: Oh my god. He's dead. (The hologram ends.) Barbas: Truly tragic. That was their sister Prue's first true love. I wonder whatever happened to her. (Phoebe goes to stand up.) Gideon: Don't. It's not worth it. Barbas: Anyone else? Cleaner #1: Yes. Inspector Reece. We had to keep a close watch on him. (Another hologram appears.) [Scene: Death Takes A Halliwell (3.16). Manor. Foyer. Phoebe opens the front door. Inspector Reece stands there.] Phoebe: Inspector. How can I help you? Inspector Reece: You can tell me where to find Cole Turner. I know he's alive, and I know he's in town. Phoebe: Really. Inspector Reece: Yeah, really. Want to know how? Because his former landlady was found brutally murdered at his address. Phoebe: Oh my god. That's awful. Inspector Reece: Awful like you can't imagine. Phoebe: I know what you're thinking. And I know what this looks like. And I am, I am so sorry for what happened to... Inspector Reece: You're sorry? Her eyes were frozen open in terror. Her skull was punctured in two places. And by the time the police got there, most of her brain had spilled out onto the floor. Be sick, be horrified, but don't stand there lying to me and say you're sorry. I'm gonna find him, Miss Halliwell, and then I'm gonna bust his ass. And then I'm gonna bust yours. (The hologram disappears.) Barbas: And did he find him? Cleaner #1: No, he did not. [Scene: Death Takes A Halliwell (3.16). Church. A Seeker comes up from behind Inspector Reece and bites him on the neck. Phoebe and Piper stand behind locked gates.] Piper: Open the gate! (The hologram ends.) Barbas: We were lucky one of those demons came along and tied up that loose end, aren't we? It's a rhetorical question. Never mind. Cleaner #1: There was another. An FBI agent. Barbas: That's right. (Another hologram appears.) (The hologram shows:) [Scene: Witch Way Now? (4.22). Manor. Dining room. Piper, Phoebe, Paige and Agent Jackman are there. He slides a thick folder to the girls.] Agent Jackman: In case you're wondering, that's just a copy. (They flip through the file to find photos of them.) Phoebe: Nice way to engender trust, Agent Jackman. Agent Jackman: If I wanted to expose you, I could've done that six months ago when that file first crossed my desk. Paige: Expose us as what? Agent Jackman: Witches. It's the only logical explanation for all the unsolved cases, the missing persons, the mysterious deaths. (The hologram ends.) Paige: That is out of context. He was a witch hunter, he tried to kill us. Barbas: The only context I'm interested in is what happened to yet another officer of the law. Witness. (Another hologram appears.) [Scene: Witch Way Now? (4.22). Park. Agent Jackman shoots his gun at Phoebe. The bullet flies through the air in slow motion. Cole near by, uses one of his powers to switch Phoebe and Agent Jackman. The bullet hits Agent Jackman in the chest.] (The hologram disappears.) Barbas: Seems like that stream of unsolved deaths left in the Charmed Ones' wake just keeps right on growing, doesn't it? So I guess the obvious question is how many more Inspectors must die before it comes to an end? Gideon: Another rhetorical question? Barbas: Actually, no. In fact, that is what I think becomes the salient question because the deaths could end with Lieutenant Morris. That's what I think. What do you think? Phoebe: Objection. Why should we care what he thinks? Gideon: Phoebe. Crill: I care. Phoebe: Yeah, well, of course you care. You're a demon. Adair: I care too. Phoebe: Oh. Well, then never mind. Cleaner #1: I think that there will always be another Inspector Sheridan to pick up on their trail. Paige: Wait a minute. Barbas: Unless... Cleaner #1: It ends with Morris. Phoebe: (to Paige) What? Barbas: No further questions, rhetorical or otherwise. (Barbas waves his hand and Cleaner #1 disappears.) Oh, sorry. Did you have more questions of him? Gideon: Yes, as a matter of fact. Paige: No. We're fine. Carry on. Gideon: Paige, what are you doing? Barbas: Unfortunately for us, ending the stream of deaths with Morris only solves our problem of the past. It does absolutely nothing to protect us against our future problems. So how much longer can we afford to tempt the gods of fate with the recklessness of the Charmed Ones, and at what point does that day finally come when it's just simply too late to clean up after one of their little magical messes? And then all of magic is exposed to the world forever because of them, and that is the question you're going to have to answer because I rest my case. Aramis: Gideon. Gideon: Nothing further. Crill: We will return with the verdict. (The tribunal council disappear.) Phoebe: Okay, this better be good. (Paige nods.) Paige: Leo! (Leo and Chris orb in.) Hey, you guys are speaking now. Chris: Uh, let's not make a big deal about it, okay? Paige: Fine. What'd you find out? Leo: Okay, you know that phantasm you vanquished? Apparently Barbas sent it so you'd follow it. Chris: And apparently he gets a get out of hell free card too if he wins the case. Phoebe: I knew this was a setup. Leo: But we can't prove it, so we've been trying to find another phantasm, but we can't seem to... Paige: If it's anywhere, it has to be inside Inspector Sheridan. It's the only way Barbas knew she'd be in the right place at the right time. Phoebe: Okay, go get her. Bring her back here. Hurry. (Leo and Chris orb out.) [Scene: Jail Cell. Darryl and Sheila are there hugging. Piper suddenly appears.] Darryl: Piper. What are you doing here? How'd you do that? Piper: That's why they call it magic school. Come on. I'm gonna get you out of here. Darryl: What? Piper: Right now. Let's go. Sheila: You mean, just leave? Piper: That's the idea. Darryl: No. Piper: What do you mean, no? We'll figure it out. We'll fix it later. Darryl: Uh, no, Piper. I can't. What if you can't fix this? What am I supposed to do then? Run? Hide? That's not right. I'm no fugitive. I'm a cop. (Piper disappears.) [Cut to the tribunal council. Piper appears behind Phoebe and Paige.] Piper: How did I get here? Phoebe: Piper! What are you doing here? Piper: I don't know. Paige: Why don't you go back? Go. Thrask: She can't. We have brought her to hear the judgment. Adair: Since it impacts all of you. Phoebe: This doesn't look good. Paige: Where the hell is Leo? Aramis: As to whether or not the Charmed Ones shall be allowed to continue to practice magic, the judgment is... in favour of the sisters. Crill: But against the Lieutenant. The trail of exposure must end with him. [Scene: Jail Cell. Darryl and Sheila are there. The lawyer opens the cell door.] Lawyer: I'm afraid it's time. Sheila: No, no, no, no. Please don't take him. Darryl: Please, baby. Please. Sheila: Please don't. No, no, no. (They kiss and Darryl walks out of the cell where two guards are waiting. Sheila cries.) [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Tribunal Council.] Phoebe: You have got to be kidding me, right? I mean, you can't really be doing this. Gideon: Phoebe, they have already. Phoebe: Look, he doesn't care about protecting magic. All he cares about is himself and getting out of purgatory. So not only did he set us up, but he set you up too. Barbas: Always trying to blame somebody else, aren't you? Phoebe: You son of a... Gideon: Listen to me, you have to stop this. Do you understand? They haven't taken away your powers yet, but they still can. Paige: Then let them. If this is the thanks that we get for all of our good work, if this is the way the system works, then you can keep our stupid powers. Gideon: Paige! Piper: No, she's right. If Darryl dies, that's it. We're done, we quit. Barbas: You know, that would solve any of our future exposure issues, now, wouldn't it? Aramis: You'd have us erase your memories? Change all that you know? Adair: All that you are? Phoebe: If necessary. Aramis: Very well. [Scene: Execution Room. 11:58. Darryl is strapped to a chair. A guard turns a machine on.] [Scene: Tribunal Council. Leo and Chris orb in with Inspector Sheridan.] INSPECTOR SHERIDAN: Get off of me! What is this? Wh-where am I? Chris: That's a nice act. It's very convincing. Barbas: Objection! He cannot bring a mortal down here. It is outrageous. Leo: Sit down and shut up. Crill: What is the meaning of this? Chris: Watch. (Chris pushes Inspector Sheridan onto the blue part of the floor and a hologram appears.) (The hologram shows:) [Scene: Police Station. Inspector Sheridan sits at her desk. A phantasm appears behind her and enters her body. She gets up and walks over to a filing cabinet. She pulls out Darryl's file.] (The hologram disappears.) Inspector Sheridan: (to Barbas) What now? Barbas: Oh, surrounded by idiots. (Leo throws a potion at Inspector Sheridan and the phantasm escapes her body. Chris holds up the wand and sucks the phantasm into it. Inspector Sheridan faints.) Piper: Huh. Guess there's some cleaning up to do there. Aramis: What do you have to say for yourself, Barbas? Barbas: I'm a demon. What do you expect? Gideon: Based on the evidence, I beg you to reverse the decision before it's too late. [Scene: Execution room. Only seconds till midnight. They put a needle into Darryl's arm. Darryl squeezes his fists and closes his eyes.] Sheila's Voice: Darryl. (Darryl opens his eyes. He's no longer in the execution room, but sitting at his desk in the police station. Sheila stands in front of him.) Sheila: Did you forget we were gonna go out tonight? (Darryl gets up and hugs Sheila. Inspector Sheridan walks past. The Cleaner walks in near by and looks around. Satisfied with everything, he disappears.) [Cut to the tribunal council.] Aramis: It is done. Adair: And as for you, Barbas... Barbas: Oh, no. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Now just because I'm the one who set this whole thing up does not necessarily mean that I am not right. The Charmed Ones are reckless with magic. Paige: Oh, please. Barbas: You've seen it, I've seen it, we've all seen it time after time, and it doesn't even include what got them into this whole mess in the first place. Phoebe: Uh, I think that would be you. Barbas: Ah, Phoebe, that would be you, with your ongoing zeal to force your premonitions, to short-circuit the process, take the easy way, and for what? Each and every time, it was for personal gain. I don't know, but it just seems to me like selfish behaviour like that, there's got to be some consequences, or, well... what's the point? (The tribunal look at each other.) Crill: Phoebe will be stripped of her powers. Phoebe: What? ADAIR: Just your active powers. Empathy, premonitions. Thrask: Levitation. Adair: You can earn them back, but only if you're more careful with your powers. Aramis: If you're all more careful. (The tribunal vanish.) Paige: You can't just say that and leave. Piper: Gideon, get them back here now. Phoebe: No. It's okay. I mean, it might be kind of refreshing to not rely on my powers so much anymore, you know? Besides, they're not the only ones that think I've been misusing them. Piper: Are you sure? Phoebe: Yeah. Let's get out of here. (They orb out.) Barbas: Ah, looks like I did just enough to win the case. You know what that means? That means I'm back! Oh, I know, counsellor. I know. You're afraid. (Barbas waves his hand in front of Gideon.) That your greatest fear is that somehow they're going to find out that you're the one that's after Piper's son. But don't be worried. I won't tell anyone. I promise. Nary a soul. (Barbas flames out.)

When Phoebe and Paige are caught on tape using their powers by SFPD Inspector Sheridan , the Cleaners, beings who prevent the exposure of magic, cover up the situation by implicating their friend, Detective Darryl Morris , as a murderer and in a huge time jump, end up sending him to death row to cover up the exposure of magic. The Halliwells fight to have the outcome reversed, initially summoning the Cleaners by deliberate acts that would expose magic if left unfixed. Their confrontation proves inconclusive, and they learn that their only recourse is to have a hearing in front of the mysterious Tribunal, which is a council that oversees all magic and made up of demons and Elders with Barbas ( Billy Drago ) empaneled as the prosecutor. He turns the proceedings around on their head and puts the sisters on trial for recklessly abusing their powers. Meanwhile, Inspector Sheridan, nudged magically by Barbas, takes aim at the sisters with her partner Inspector Miles and begins looking into the trail of disappearances and odd happenings over the last half decade starting with the collection of unsolved homicides SFPD Internal Affairs had harassed Andy Trudeau about. Meanwhile, Leo and Chris work together to help free the sisters and Darryl, but the outcome leaves Phoebe stripped of her active powers as penance for occasional lapses in the past where she used magic to benefit herself.

fd_Doctor_Who_1963_03x24

fd_Doctor_Who_1963_03x24_0

The Massacre (of St. Bartholomew's Eve) by John Lucarotti first broadcast - 19th February, 1966 [SCENE_BREAK] 1: INT. PRESLIN'S SHOP (The next morning, STEVEN is woken by the noise of ANNE looking for something to eat.) STEVEN: Oh, it's only you. What's the time? ANNE: Oh, I'm sorry, monsieur. I didn't mean to wake you, I, I... STEVEN: (Impatiently.) Never mind. What time is it? ANNE: It's dawn, monsieur. The Tocsin's rung. Curfew's over. STEVEN: And the 'Sea Beggar' dies today. ANNE: Are we gonna leave Paris now? STEVEN: No. (ANNE looks disappointed.) STEVEN: (Gently.) No, I'm sorry, Anne, but I must go back to the Abbot's house. ANNE: (Shouts.) No! Monsieur, no! STEVEN: I must! Now, my friend should be there by now. He may know who the 'Sea Beggar' is. ANNE: If you go back there, they'll arrest you. STEVEN: No they won't, the Doctor should be able to stop them. ANNE: They'll recognise you before you can find him. The Captain of the Guard and Monsieur Colbert. STEVEN: Hmm. Perhaps if I disguise... see if we can find some other clothes. (They rummage through the chest of clothes. He pulls out a dirty cloak.) STEVEN: Ah, yes. Well, this should do. ANNE: Ugh, but it's so dirty, monsieur. STEVEN: Yes, well, never mind. Now, if I can find that hat... (ANNE finds his hat.) ANNE: Monsieur? STEVEN: Good girl. (ANNE laughs as STEVEN tries on his disguise.) STEVEN: Yes, well I don't think the Captain'll recognise me in this. [SCENE_BREAK] 2: INT. THE LOUVRE (An early morning council session is taking place at the Louvre. In attendance on King CHARLES IX are ADMIRAL DE COLIGNY, MARSHAL TAVANNES, a third Councillor called TELIGNY and several other Councillors. The Queen Mother, CATHERINE DE MEDICI watches proceedings.) ADMIRAL DE COLIGNY: If we ally ourselves to the Dutch in their conflict with Spain, the common cause will unify the country, and prevent further civil strife. MARSHAL TAVANNES: Oh, surely the marriage between Henri of Navarre and His Majesty's sister has already put an end to the disturbances? ADMIRAL DE COLIGNY: For how long? As I have pointed out, frequently, in this chamber, it would take but one small incident and the whole of Paris could be in uproar. MARSHAL TAVANNES: Incidents occur daily, and still the city does not rise. ADMIRAL DE COLIGNY: If we allied ourselves with the Dutch even those incidents would not take place. CHARLES IX: My Admiral has a good point there. Pray accept it, Marshal, and let us finish with this tedious business. MARSHAL TAVANNES: Your Majesty, France cannot afford this war. CHARLES IX: So we are told frequently by our mother. (He looks at the silent CATHERINE.) MARSHAL TAVANNES: The recent conflict inside the country has brought us almost to ruin. There is no money to pay for the forces that would be needed to wage war with Spain. TELIGNY: But is it not so that under the treaty signed at Loire, the English will come to our assistance? CHARLES IX: Not you as well, my little Councillor? The Admiral and the Marshal quarrel well enough without assistance. TELIGNY: I apologise, sire. I had hoped to end the deadlock between them. CHARLES IX: It was good to hear a different voice. So, Elizabeth of England has agreed to help us? MARSHAL TAVANNES: Does anyone here trust her? She breaks more promises than she keeps. ADMIRAL DE COLIGNY: She has no love for Spain. MARSHAL TAVANNES: She has yet to come out into the open and say so. However, if Your Majesty is so eager to fight this war, perhaps we could raise the money by leasing the Alpine hunting grounds to Italy? CHARLES IX: Do you mock me, Marshal? MARSHAL TAVANNES: Of course not, sire, but the war will have to be paid for. Some sacrifices will have to be made. CHARLES IX: We will give away nothing of our land. TELIGNY: Besides, the bears there are French. They may not like to be sold. CHARLES IX: Ha, true! (He laughs.) Next winter you will accompany us on our hunt. TELIGNY: (Bows.) Your majesty! ADMIRAL DE COLIGNY: There is enough money in France to finance the war. CHARLES IX: Enough of this war. I am bored with Spain. ADMIRAL DE COLIGNY: But I beg to advise, Your Majesty... CHARLES IX: (Shouts.) No, Admiral, please! Talk of it some other time. War is so tedious. Move to matters closer to us. ADMIRAL DE COLIGNY: If the King refuses to make war, may it please God that another war will not be forced on him, which it would not be easy to renounce. [SCENE_BREAK] 3: INT. PRESLIN'S SHOP (STEVEN is ready to leave the shop in his disguise but ANNE refuses to stay behind alone.) ANNE: No, monsieur. I won't stay here alone. STEVEN: Then you must come with me! ANNE: But they'll arrest me at the Abbot's house! STEVEN: They won't. Now look, I'm almost certain that my friend is pretending to be the Abbot. Now he'll make sure that no harm comes to you. ANNE: But, monsieur... STEVEN: Now you must trust me. I'll take care of you. ANNE: You've been very kind to me, monsieur, but... well, I'm...I'm afraid to go back to that house. STEVEN: Look, I'll be with you. Besides, you won't stay here, so where will you go? ANNE: (Thinks for a minute, then,.) Well...all right, I'll come with you. STEVEN: Look, if anything happens on the way to the Abbot, if I'm recognised, then we'll have to run. Now you must come back here, do you understand? ANNE: Well supposing they catch me? STEVEN: No they won't. I'll be the one they chase. Now if you come back here I'll know where to find you, and I can join you as soon as possible. ANNE: (Thinks again, then.) All right. STEVEN: Good girl. Come on. (They leave.) [SCENE_BREAK] 4: INT. THE LOUVRE (The Council session continues...) ADMIRAL DE COLIGNY: How much longer are the Huguenots to suffer these frequent violations of their rights? MARSHAL TAVANNES: The treaty drawn up by the Queen Mother to conclude the religious difficulties of the country was generous in the extreme to the free thinkers. ADMIRAL DE COLIGNY: Words were spoken. Signatures were exchanged. But they did not prevent many acts against the Huguenots. MARSHAL TAVANNES: Do you question the promises of the Queen Mother, Admiral? ADMIRAL DE COLIGNY: It is easy to promise. MARSHAL TAVANNES: You speak treason! CHARLES IX: (Stands up suddenly and shouts.) Enough! Why is it not possible for our councillors to talk without quarrelling? ADMIRAL DE COLIGNY: Sire, it is imperative that the religious differences of the country be fully discussed! CHARLES IX: Admiral, grant me but a few days more in which to amuse myself and then I promise you, as King, that I shall make you happy and all those of your religion. ADMIRAL DE COLIGNY: Kings are recognised only by the power they wield. The Queen Mother seems to claim this power. Take care, Your Majesty, that it does not prove detrimental to yourself, and to France. MARSHAL TAVANNES: Your Majesty! CHARLES IX: Tavannes, no more. Marshal! (MARSHAL TAVANNES obeys CHARLES' one word order. A furious CATHERINE DE MEDICI storms out of the chamber.) CHARLES IX: This meeting is over. Since my noble mother has seen fit to depart, let us do likewise. We need to get on with the Feast of St. Bartholomew, so until the day after tomorrow, let us enjoy ourselves. (He walks out of the chamber. TELIGNY turns to the DE COLIGNY.) TELIGNY: Was that wise? To insult the Queen will only make her work harder against you. ADMIRAL DE COLIGNY: It is time her power was challenged. TELIGNY: The King still fears his mother. Surely this may damage all for which you've worked so hard? ADMIRAL DE COLIGNY: Let us hope not. (CHARLES comes back into the chamber.) CHARLES IX: Ha ha! Admiral, come with us. We are going to play tennis. ADMIRAL DE COLIGNY: Your Majesty, I must beg to be excused. I have work which must be done. CHARLES IX: Oh, my dear Admiral, we are pleased with you! Since now our mother will not speak to us for the rest of today, you will come with us. I have a new racquet I want you to see. Come! [SCENE_BREAK] 5: INT. ABBOT'S RESIDENCE. WAITING ROOM (A PRIEST escorts STEVEN and ANNE into the room.) PRIEST: You will have to wait in here. The Abbot cannot be disturbed. STEVEN: Yes, but I must speak to him. It's most important. PRIEST: You do not understand, young man. The Abbot is saying his office. STEVEN: His what? PRIEST: His office. We cannot disturb him while he is at prayer. STEVEN: Well how long's he going to be? PRIEST: You must curb your impatience, young man. If you will tell me what your business is, then perhaps I can help you. STEVEN: Erm... I, I have a message for the Abbot, concerning a man who is to die today. PRIEST: If it is a case for the last sacraments, then there is no need to trouble the Abbot. I, myself, will come with you. STEVEN: Well, no. I mean, I mean, it's very kind of you but... PRIEST: Is there something more? STEVEN: Well, yes. And I can only discuss it with the Abbot. (At that moment, the "ABBOT OF AMBOISE" enters the room and spots STEVEN and ANNE.) ABBOT OF AMBOISE: What is this? PRIEST: My Lord Abbot. STEVEN: Doctor! ABBOT OF AMBOISE: Silence! Who is this man? And why does he disturb my peace? PRIEST: It appears he comes from a dying man. ABBOT OF AMBOISE: (To STEVEN.) Well? STEVEN: (Unsure of how to act in front of the "ABBOT".) Um, I, I... I've brought back the servant who ran away. ANNE: (Shocked at STEVENS'S betrayal of her.) Monsieur! ABBOT OF AMBOISE: You have done well, my son. (To the PRIEST.) Father, you may leave us. I will settle this matter. PRIEST: Very well, my Lord Abbot. (The PRIEST leaves the room.) STEVEN: (To ANNE.) I felt you would be safer here, as Bondot waits for the 'Sea Beggar'. (At that moment, MARSHAL TAVANNES enters.) MARSHAL TAVANNES: (To the "ABBOT".) Father Abbot, a word with you. ABBOT OF AMBOISE: The young man has returned the girl to us, Marshal. MARSHAL TAVANNES: What girl? ABBOT OF AMBOISE: The one who lodged with the 'Sea Beggar'. MARSHAL TAVANNES: Oh, she is of no importance. I must speak with you alone. ABBOT OF AMBOISE: Very well. (To STEVEN.) Take the girl and wait outside. I'll tend you later. (STEVEN and ANNE leave the room...) [SCENE_BREAK] 6: INT. ABBOT'S RESIDENCE. HALLWAY (...but can still hear the conversation between the "ABBOT" and TAVANNES.) MARSHAL TAVANNES: (OOV.) Is Bondot prepared? ABBOT OF AMBOISE: (OOV.) Of course, I never fail. Neither will my servants. MARSHAL TAVANNES: (OOV.) If Bondot... ANNE: (To STEVEN.) Listen! ABBOT OF AMBOISE: (OOV.) Bondot has been prepared for the last few hours. STEVEN: (To ANNE.) Quick, we've got to tell Nicholas. (They quickly leave.) [SCENE_BREAK] 7: INT. ABBOT'S RESIDENCE. WAITING ROOM ABBOT OF AMBOISE: Is the 'Sea Beggar' on his way home? MARSHAL TAVANNES: I don't know. The King delayed him after the council. He had seen fit to insult the Queen Mother and His Majesty was naturally pleased with him. ABBOT OF AMBOISE: De Coligny will allow no one to take him away from his work. I think we can take it he is on his way by now. (ROGER enters quickly.) ROGER: The girl, the servant who ran... ABBOT OF AMBOISE: (Angry.) Colbert! How dare you interrupt us! ROGER: But she is with the Englishman from the Admiral's house. I've just seen them! MARSHAL TAVANNES: (Shocked.) What? ROGER: The Englishman with the girl. He's the one who was with the Huguenots. MARSHAL TAVANNES: (To the "ABBOT".) Who did he say he was? ABBOT OF AMBOISE: I never asked him. MARSHAL TAVANNES: (To ROGER.) Fetch him back! ROGER: I've sent the guards after them. He was taking her out the side door. MARSHAL TAVANNES: (Snaps.) My Lord Abbot, what mistake have you perpetrated now? ABBOT OF AMBOISE: He could not hear what was being said. I sent him out of the room. In any case, it is too late for him to warn the Admiral. MARSHAL TAVANNES: For your sake it had better be. [SCENE_BREAK] 8: INT. DE COLIGNY'S RESIDENCE (NICHOLAS sits brooding in his room. He hears a noise from outside and rushes to the hallway...) [SCENE_BREAK] 9: INT. DE COLIGNY'S RESIDENCE. HALLWAY (...where STEVEN is struggling to gain access. The SERVANT tries to hold him back.) STEVEN: Will you get out of my way! SERVANT: But monsieur, I cannot allow... NICHOLAS: (Interrupting.) Steven? STEVEN: Nicholas! Quickly, it's the Admiral! SERVANT: (To STEVEN.) Monsieur... NICHOLAS: (To the SERVANT.) Be quiet! (To STEVEN.) What's wrong? STEVEN: The plot! NICHOLAS: The Catholics? STEVEN: Yes! It's the Admiral they're going to kill! NICHOLAS: de Coligny?! STEVEN: Today! Now! NICHOLAS: But how? STEVEN: I don't know, but you've got to warn him. NICHOLAS: He's at the Louvre. There's a council meeting. STEVEN: No, it's over. They're going to kill him on the way back. NICHOLAS: Where? STEVEN: (Unsure how to pronounce.) The Rue... St... St. Germaine? NICHOLAS: The Rue des Fosse St. Germaine? STEVEN: Yes! NICHOLAS: Stay here! (He rushes out.) [SCENE_BREAK] 10: EXT. RUE DES FOSSE ST. GERMAINE (In an attic room overlooking the Rue des Fosse St. Germaine, Bondot sets up his gun overlooking the street below. Soon, ADMIRAL DE COLIGNY makes his way on foot from the Louvre to his house along the street. He walks with a group of other courtiers but remains silent, reading a paper. Passing along the street, Bondot aims the gun at him from the attic window. The ADMIRAL'S paper is blown out of his hand and he stoops to pick it up as the shot is fired. The ADMIRAL falls. NICHOLAS rushes up to him.) NICHOLAS: Admiral! Admiral! ADMIRAL DE COLIGNY: See how honest men are treated in France? The shot came from that window. (He points.) TELIGNY: Search the house! We must get him to a surgeon. (NICHOLAS and TELIGNY help the DE COLIGNY to his feet but the ADMIRAL is proud and shrugs off their help. He walks away, very unsure of his balance and step.) [SCENE_BREAK] 11: INT. ABBOT'S RESIDENCE MARSHAL TAVANNES: (Nervous.) We should have heard by now. ABBOT OF AMBOISE: (Calm.) The King may have delayed him further. MARSHAL TAVANNES: Due to your stupidity, the Englishman has had a chance to warn him. ABBOT OF AMBOISE: I said he did not hear anything. MARSHAL TAVANNES: Then why did he run off? ABBOT OF AMBOISE: (Thinks, then.) I don't know. MARSHAL TAVANNES: If this should go wrong, you are to blame, and you will be the one to answer for it. ABBOT OF AMBOISE: The Cardinal... MARSHAL TAVANNES: (Interrupts.) Is in Rome and cannot help you now. ABBOT OF AMBOISE: If de Coligny is delayed by the King, then the news of his death will be delayed also. Bondot is an excellent marksman. You know that. There is only one thing for us to do, that is to wait. Meantime, I will retire to my room. (He turns to leave.) MARSHAL TAVANNES: You will not. You will wait here, with me. (He does as he his bid and returns to his chair. ROGER rushes in.) ROGER: Father Abbot! (ROGER sees the MARSHAL.) MARSHAL TAVANNES: Well? ROGER: The attempt has failed. ABBOT OF AMBOISE: I see. Was Bondot caught? ROGER: He rode away. The Admiral was only wounded, not killed. MARSHAL TAVANNES: So, the 'Sea Beggar' lives. (To the "ABBOT".) You have failed! (To ROGER.) Call the guards! (ROGER leaves to fetch the guards.) MARSHAL TAVANNES: It is strange, Father Abbot, that since you came everything which had been so carefully planned has gone wrong. (ROGER returns with two guards.) MARSHAL TAVANNES: This man is a traitor to the Queen. Kill him! (The guards hesitate.) You heard my order, kill him! (The guards close in on the "ABBOT".) [SCENE_BREAK] 12: INT. THE LOUVRE (TELIGNY has requested an audience with the king but it is the Queen Mother who stands before him.) CATHERINE DE MEDICI: Monsieur De Teligny, I am waiting. TELIGNY: I... I'm sorry, Your Majesty, but the news I have must be given first to the King. (The King enters.) CHARLES IX: Well, what's the matter? Why must I always be interrupted? And I was winning. TELIGNY: Your pardon, sire, but I bring news of the greatest importance. CHARLES IX: Well what is it? TELIGNY: Admiral de Coligny has been severely wounded. Someone tried to shoot him. CHARLES IX: (Screams.) Will I never have any peace?! TELIGNY: Your Majesty, the Admiral is badly hurt. CHARLES IX: What happened? TELIGNY: The assassins were waiting in the Rue des Fosse St. Germaine. As we came down the street they fired at him. CHARLES IX: Were they caught? TELIGNY: No, sire. We searched the house and found the weapon, the men had gone. CHARLES IX: Well they must be found. An inquiry. Call the council! The Admiral's assassins must be caught and punished! (Screams.) Call the council! (TELIGNY and CATHERINE leave.) CHARLES IX: Oh, my Admiral! My little father! I will see you avenged. [SCENE_BREAK] 13: INT. DE COLIGNY'S RESIDENCE (DE COLIGNY, bleeding badly, lies in the main room of his residence. NICHOLAS, STEVEN and the SERVANT watch over him.) ADMIRAL DE COLIGNY: (Weakly.) Take me to my own room. Help me up. NICHOLAS: No, Admiral, wait for the surgeon. He'll be here soon. ADMIRAL DE COLIGNY: Why did they do it? SERVANT: (To NICHOLAS.) Monsieur, are you sure we shouldn't take him to his own room? NICHOLAS: No, he's lost so much blood. Go and wait for the surgeon... bring him straight in! SERVANT: Yes, monsieur. (He leaves the room.) STEVEN: Nicholas, I'm sorry. I tried to tell Gaston, he wouldn't listen to me. NICHOLAS: I know, he told me. STEVEN: I knew that the 'Sea Beggar' was going to be killed. Until this morning I didn't know who that was. NICHOLAS: I could've told you. How did you find out? STEVEN: Well, when I ran away from you yesterday, I went to the Abbot's house. The Doctor wasn't there, but I overheard some men talking about the 'Sea Beggar'. NICHOLAS: Who were they? STEVEN: I don't know. But, well one of them was the same man who came to see the Abbot this morning. NICHOLAS: So the Abbot is behind this. STEVEN: No! The Abbot is the Doctor. Now that I've seen him I'm certain of it. He's just pretending to be the Abbot, that's all. NICHOLAS: Now listen, Steven... (TELIGNY enters and interrupts the conversation.) TELIGNY: How is he? NICHOLAS: He's very weak. TELIGNY: The King has called for an inquiry but it won't do any good. NICHOLAS: What do you mean? TELIGNY: As I left the Louvre I heard that some of our men have taken the law into their own hands. NICHOLAS: How? TELIGNY: The Abbot of Amboise was murdered just outside his own house. STEVEN: (Shocked.) What? TELIGNY: The Abbot is dead and they're blaming it on the Huguenots. STEVEN: But he wasn't the Abbot! (STEVEN races from the room.) TELIGNY: The King has summoned the council. I must return to the Louvre. (He looks down at the ADMIRAL.) Take care of him, Nicholas. NICHOLAS: Yes. [SCENE_BREAK] 11: INT. THE LOUVRE (The days second Council session is underway...) CHARLES IX: ...and, Marshal, since you claim to know nothing of this attempted assassination, I have a special charge for you. You will be responsible for the Admiral's safety. Empty the street of Catholics, station your men around his house, and mark me well, if anything further happens to him, you pay with your head. TELIGNY: We do not need the Marshal's protection, sire. To drive Catholics from their homes will only make them hate us even more. MARSHAL TAVANNES: (Sardonically.) Is that possible? (To the King.) Your concern for your friends does you credit, sire. CHARLES IX: (Shouts.) I gave you an order! See it is done! TELIGNY: But, sire... CHARLES IX: (Angry.) Not another word! From either side. I've had enough of your bickering. Leave me. All of you! (They leave the room as an angry CATHERINE enters.) CATHERINE DE MEDICI: You summoned the council? CHARLES IX: I gave orders I was to be left alone. CATHERINE DE MEDICI: Without my knowledge or consent? CHARLES IX: I asked to be left alone, mother. CATHERINE DE MEDICI: The threat over your friend, the Admiral? You are the King. CHARLES IX: (Slams his fist down on the table.) Yes, I am the King! And to be obeyed! Now keep out of my sight unless you care to end your days in a convent. CATHERINE DE MEDICI: I would wish you have the courage, my son. CHARLES IX: I have but to give the order. CATHERINE DE MEDICI: Summon your guards, have me arrested. But you had better have a good reason for the council...and for the people. CHARLES IX: The attempted assassination of my Admiral, by you and Tavannes. Do you deny it, Madame? CATHERINE DE MEDICI: No. CHARLES IX: Have a care. I mean what I say. I shall send Tavannes to the block! CATHERINE DE MEDICI: You would execute the Marshal of France for doing his duty? CHARLES IX: Duty? He's an assassin! CATHERINE DE MEDICI: He tried to rid you of a dangerous enemy. CHARLES IX: de Coligny is my friend. You, Madame, are my enemy. CATHERINE DE MEDICI: (She laughs.) If ever I were to be... (Snaps.) may God help you. (She passes him a list of names.) Look at these before you decide who are your enemies. You think the Huguenots would stop at killing me? They want your blood too. CHARLES IX: So you keep telling me every day of my life. Why? I protect them. They're all my subjects. What have they to gain? CATHERINE DE MEDICI: Until now, nothing. CHARLES IX: And now? CATHERINE DE MEDICI: We have a Protestant prince in Paris - Henri of Navarre. You think they give a fig for your protection (Her voice rises in anger.) now that one of their own is within grasp of the throne? (The King looks thoughtful at this...) [SCENE_BREAK] 12: EXT. OUTSIDE THE ABBOT'S RESIDENCE (A crowd has gathered, gossiping, by the "ABBOT'S" body, which lies in the street. Several people in particular are stirring up feeling, met with cries of approval from the crowd.) FIRST MAN: The Huguenots must have done it! WOMAN: The free thinkers! FIRST MAN: They shouldn't be allowed to come here! They've done it! WOMAN: It's a wicked thing! FIRST MAN: The Huguenots will stop at nothing! They even kill our priest! SECOND MAN: Nothing is sacred to the Huguenots! FIRST MAN: Something will have to be done. The Huguenots must be banned from entering towns! (Shouts louder.) They will kill these poor defenceless priests elsewhere! Now lock them up and kill them!! (Away from the main group, ROGER observes the crowd with the CAPTAIN OF THE GUARD.) ROGER: You're certain that no one saw the body brought here? CAPTAIN OF THE GUARD: Just look at them. They all believe the Huguenots killed him. (STEVEN arrives at the scene and falls down beside the corpse.) STEVEN: (Distraught.) What happened? What have they done? WOMAN: The Huguenots murdered him! STEVEN: (Shouts.) No! FIRST MAN: They did. We saw them! WOMAN: There were fifteen of them! FIRST MAN: Just struck him down! But he'll be revenged! (There are more cries of approval. ROGER sees STEVEN and shouts to the guards.) ROGER: Hold that man! He's responsible! CAPTAIN OF THE GUARD: After him! Go on! Get him! (STEVEN runs, the guards in close pursuit. The crowd's anger rises to fever pitch...)

Missing episode The TARDIS materialises in Paris in the year 1572 and the Doctor decides to visit the famous apothecary Charles Preslin. Steven, meanwhile, is befriended by a group of Huguenots from the household of the Protestant Admiral de Coligny. Having rescued a young serving girl, Anne Chaplet, from some pursuing guards, the Huguenots gain their first inkling of a heinous plan being hatched at the command of the Catholic Queen Mother,Catherine de Medici.

fd_Charmed_08x07

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[TRIQUETRA LOGO] [Scene from 8X06: Kill Billie, Vol. 1] [INT. MANOR - PIPER'S BEDROOM -- DAY] (Leo and Piper argue.) LEO: Leo! Leo! Leo! Can you do this? Can you do that? [TRIQUETRA LOGO] NARRATOR: (v.o.) Previously, on "Charmed" ... [INT. MANOR - PIPER'S BEDROOM -- DAY] (The argument continues.) PIPER: I don't ask you to do everything else. LEO: No, you just expect it. [Scene from 5X09: Sam I Am] [INT. MANOR - KITCHEN -- DAY] (Paige talks with Leo.) PAIGE: Who's my charge gonna be? Is it a Whitelighter-to-be? [EXT. ALLEY BEHIND TAVERN - DAY] (They walk to the back door of a bar. The bar door opens and a man is thrown out of the establishment. He falls to the ground in front of Paige.) (Paige grimaces as Sam throws up on her shoes.) LEO: (v.o.) Not exactly. Your charge's name is Samuel. [INT. MANOR - KITCHEN -- NIGHT] (Phoebe talks to Paige.) PHOEBE: Sam was mom's Whitelighter. PAIGE: That would make him - PHOEBE: Your biological father. [Scene from 8X06: Kill Billie, Vol 1] [INT. MANOR - ATTIC -- DAY] (Billie talks with Piper, Phoebe and Paige.) BILLIE JENKINS: The night my sister was taken, [INT. BEDROOM - NIGHT - FLASHBACK] (The balcony doors slam open. Christy screams.) (A black shadowy figure of a cloaked figure rises up the walls. Lightning flashes.) (Long claws rip through the bottom of the mattress above her.) (The shadowy figure flies out of the room with Christy in its arms.) BILLIE JENKINS: (v.o.) ... it was raining outside, that was the last time I ever saw her. [END OF FLASHBACK] [INT. MANOR - ATTIC - DAY] PIPER: What did your parents do? BILLIE JENKINS: They thought I made the whole thing up. PAIGE: And now you know you didn't. [SCENE_BREAK] END OF PREVIOUSLY ON [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. MANOR - ATTIC -- DAY] (Billie dips the scrying crystal into the potions cauldron. The crystal drips as she carries it over to the scrying table and begins swinging the crystal around the city map.) BILLIE JENKINS: (softly to herself) All right, come on ... come on, come on. (Paige walks in.) PAIGE: Billie? BILLIE JENKINS: Oh, hey. PAIGE: Hey. What ya doing? BILLIE JENKINS: Scrying. PAIGE: At seven in the morning? BILLIE JENKINS: Uh, actually, I've been doing this all night long. (Billie drops the crystal onto the map.) BILLIE JENKINS: I'm just trying to find my sister. Now that I know a demon took her, I have to try. Right? PAIGE: Billie ... BILLIE JENKINS: I -- I know. I know he's got a fifteen-year head start on me, but, you know, I just figure if I keep doing this, then sooner or later ... PAIGE: Do you think she's still alive? BILLIE JENKINS: She has to be. PAIGE: Okay, here's the thing. If she's alive, we'll find her. I promise you that. But you can't let yourself become obsessed with this. BILLIE JENKINS: I can't exactly let it go, either. PAIGE: But you don't want it to consume your life. BILLIE JENKINS: I know. It's hard. PAIGE: Aren't you supposed to be at school or something? BILLIE JENKINS: No. I can't focus on anything. Not school right now, especially. PAIGE: Well, I think maybe going to class would be a good thing for you. BILLIE JENKINS: No! I can't. What if there's a demon and I'm not here? I can't help out. PAIGE: I don't see any demons. Do you see any demons? CUE SOUND: (PRE-LAP) BELL JINGLING [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CHADWICK PHOTO STUDIO -- DAY] (Vaklav locks the front door to the photo studio. He flips over the OPEN sign to CLOSED. He turns around and walks over to the drawers of photos. The photo studio is old with photos and proofs hanging from lines strung up across the room.) (He opens the drawer and takes out a single piece of old parchment. He steps to the side, into better light, and looks at the thirteen images on it.) VAKLAV: Time to make room for another. (He puts the paper on the easel. He passes his hand over the image of a young man, JD. He is dressed in a black jacket and white shirt.) (The image outlines with light, flashes, then vanishes.) (JD suddenly appears in the photos studio, stumbling around on his feet. He looks scared and disoriented. He doesn't know where he is.) J.D.: What the hell? (He turns and sees Vaklav looking smugly back at him.) J.D.: Where am I? What's going on? VAKLAV: You're out of time, JD. You're no longer useful to me. J.D.: What are you talking about? Who are you? (Instead of answering him, Vaklav holds out his right hand and a fireball appears in his palm. JD's eyes widen.) (Vaklav throws the fireball at JD. JD falls to the floor, the fireball flying over and past his head, missing him completely. With one smooth motion, he sweep kicks Vaklav's legs out from under him, knocking him down to the floor. JD lunges toward Vaklav, grabs his neck and digs his thumb into the side of his neck till he passes out briefly.) [EXT. STREET OUTSIDE CHADWICK PHOTO STUDIO - DAY -- CONTINUOUS] (The front door opens and JD stumbles out of the studio.) [INT. CHADWICK PHOTO STUDIO -- DAY] (Inside the studio, Vaklav opens his eyes.) [EXT. STREET OUTSIDE CHADWICK PHOTO STUDIO - DAY -- CONTINUOUS] (JD runs across the street. A car horn blares and tires screech just before the car hits JD, knocking him off his feet and onto the pavement.) (Witnesses gasp.) (JD falls to the road, unconscious and bleeding from his forehead and mouth.) BUSINESSWOMAN: Ohhh ... (A Businesswoman runs to him and kneels down next to him, holding his had. The driver runs out of his car to check on JD. The crowd around the accident grows.) BUSINESSMAN: Is he still alive? (Vaklav steps up to the edge of the crowd and watches.) BUSINESSWOMAN: I think so. VAKLAV: Call 9-1-1. FADE TO END OF TEASER ROLL TITLE CREDIT (COMMERCIAL SET) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. HALLIWELL MANOR (STOCK) - DAY] [INT. MANOR - KITCHEN -- DAY] (Paige walks into the kitchen.) PAIGE: Hey there. Uh, can I borrow your car? Mine's running on fumes. (Piper turns around.) PIPER: Sorry. Mine is, too. (Leo is sitting at the table.) LEO: What? I just filled it up. PIPER: Well, now it's empty. (Leo rolls his eyes.) Honey. LEO: Yeah? PIPER: No. We're out of honey. (Leo turns to look at her.) Put it on the list. PAIGE: Well, much as I'd like to stay here and watch you two snipe at each other, I don't want to be late for my interview. (Phoebe walks in.) PHOEBE: What interview? PAIGE: Oh, social services. I'm gonna try to get my old job back. LEO: Why? PAIGE: Why? Because I like it, that's why. Um, I only quit because of the whole magic thing. But now that we've got Billie to help out ... (Phoebe is looking through the morning paper.) PHOEBE: I think that's great. Hey, maybe you could help me adopt a child. PAIGE: What? PHOEBE: Well, yeah. I'm sorta thinking that adoption might be my only option at this point. PAIGE: Now, Phoebe, that's ridiculous. PHOEBE: Why? What's wrong with adoption? You were adopted. PIPER: Ah. That reminds me. We need eggs. PHOEBE: Oh, eggs I have. It's the sperm I'm missing. PAIGE: Gross! PHOEBE: (sighs) I'm just saying I can't just sit back and wait for love to find me. I gotta hurry up. At least according to my tea leaves. PIPER: Tea! Leo ... LEO: Tea. You already told me. PAIGE: Sniping LEO: I wasn't sniping. PHOEBE: (looking at the paper) Oh, my God, that's perfect. PIPER: What? PHOEBE: Why didn't I think of that before? Gotta go. (With her nose in the open paper, Phoebe leaves the kitchen.) PAIGE: How did I wind up the only sane one here? PIPER: (chuckles) You're telling me. (Leo stands up and brings his bowl to the sink. Piper is looking in the refrigerator.) LEO: (to Piper) So, uh ... you want me to go to the store with you? (Piper takes out the carton of milk and closes the refrigerator door. She gasps and nearly bumps into Leo.) PIPER: No. You should -- oh! (She drops the carton of milk, spilling it on the floor.) PIPER: I ... think you should pick up the kids. (Leo automatically starts to reach for the carton. Piper stops him.) PIPER: No! I got it. It's fine. I got it. (She takes the empty bowl from his hands.) PIPER: Thanks. (Leo doesn't say anything. He rolls his eyes, turns and leaves the kitchen. He walks past Paige.) (Paige turns and follows him out of the room.) [INT. MANOR - DINING ROOM - DAY -- CONTINUOUS] PAIGE: Hey! You're not just gonna leave like that, are you? (Leo stops and turns around.) LEO: I tried to help clean up, but, uh ... PAIGE: No, no, no, no, no. I'm not talking about the milk. I'm talking about you two. You've been walking around on pins and needles for over a week now. Why don't you guys just talk? LEO: You know - No offense, Paige, but it's really none of your business. PAIGE: Uh, actually, it is because I live here, too, and this is affecting us all. Look, we know you guys have this epic destined marriage, but it doesn't mean that you're immune to problems, especially with everything that's gone on lately. LEO: I know. PAIGE: Well, if you know, then why don't you do something about it? LEO: I've tried. (Leo turns and heads for the front door.) We've tried, and it always just ends up in an argument. PAIGE: Well, I don't know. Why don't you try seeing a marriage counselor? (Leo chuckles as he removes his jacket from the hallway hook.) LEO: We've tried that once, too. Remember? PAIGE: (sighs) Try somebody else. Try another one. You guys owe it to yourselves. LEO: You know, I don't think you're gonna have much problem getting that job. PAIGE: Well, unless I get there soon, I am going to, so please just go talk to her? Please? (Leo smiles at her, then heads for the kitchen.) (Satisfied, Paige heads over to the side table to get her things.) (Sam Wilder orbs in behind her.) SAM WILDER: Hello, Paige. (Paige turns around, surprised to see him.) SAM WILDER: It's good to see you. PAIGE: Sam? SAM WILDER: "Sam"? Don't you mean "dad"? [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. HOSPITAL (STOCK) - DAY] [INT. HOSPITAL - HALLWAY -- DAY] (The nurse reports her findings to the doctor.) NURSE: Multiple abrasions, bruises, concussion. Yet no internal bleeding. He's a lucky kid. Although we haven't been able to I.D. him yet. So for now, he's a John Doe. (Camera pans completely around the nurse and we see she's talking to Vaklav in a white lab coat, stethoscope around his neck.) VAKLAV: Have the authorities been notified yet? NURSE: Yeah, like, over an hour ago. VAKLAV: Hmm. Well, when he comes up from the E.R., best put him in a private room ... until we find out who he really is. NURSE: All right, Dr ... VAKLAV: Vaklav. I'm filling in for Dr. Winfield. (The nurse smiles at him, then turns to note it down on the chart.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. MANOR - LIVING ROOM -- DAY] (Sam talks with Paige.) SAM WILDER: His name's Jonathan David Williams. Though he goes by JD. He's my charge, a future Whitelighter ... or ... he was supposed to be. PAIGE: Yeah, and? SAM WILDER: He disappeared in 1955. I've heard nothing from him since. Not until he was hit by a car this morning and rushed to a hospital. PAIGE: Well, how old is he? SAM WILDER: The same age as he was then. He hasn't aged a day. I don't understand it either, Paige, but I gotta believe that whoever or whatever made him disappear fifty years ago doesn't want him found now. Which is why I need your help. PAIGE: You're a Whitelighter. Why don't you just orb him to safety? SAM WILDER: No. Too many people have seen him. It would raise too many questions. PAIGE: Well, what do you want me to do? SAM WILDER: Help me get him out of there? Maybe cast a little spell? PAIGE: What, I'm the only witch you know? SAM WILDER: You are my daughter. PAIGE: Genetically ... maybe. Look, I can't do this right now. I'm late for a job interview. Okay? SAM WILDER: An interview? Why do you need a job? You're a witch, a whitelighter. PAIGE: Maybe if you came around more than once every three years, you would know this about your daughter. SAM WILDER: Look. I'm sorry, Paige. I just ... I -- I didn't want to intrude. PAIGE: Whatever. Doesn't matter. I'll call Phoebe, see if she can help. Okay? (Paige takes her cell phone out and dials.) (PRE-LAP) PHOEBE: (v.o.) Paige, can't Billie do it? [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CLINIC PRIVATE ROOM -- DAY] (Phoebe is on the phone and filling out an application form.) PHOEBE: I mean, I'm kinda in the middle of something, and isn't she our magical go-to girl? INTERCUT WITH: [INT. MANOR - LIVING ROOM - DAY] (Paige paces the living room as Sam looks around the room, waiting for her.) PAIGE: No. She was up all night trying to find her sister, which I why I was hoping that you -- PHOEBE: Would you describe me as gregarious? PAIGE: No. I would describe you as evasive. Where are you, anyway? PHOEBE: Um ... I'm just exploring my options, but don't worry, I'm not committing. PAIGE: Not committing to what? (The door to the private room opens and Wendy pops in.) WENDY: How we doing? PHOEBE: Oops. I gotta go. PAIGE: Phoebe! Phoebe! Who's gonna help Sam? PHOEBE: You know what? I don't know. He's your dad. PAIGE: No, he's not! (Phoebe turns the phone off and closes it. She looks at Wendy.) PHOEBE: Sorry. (Sam stops and looks at Paige.) SAM WILDER: What'd she say? (Paige holds up a hand for him to wait. She dials again.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CLINIC - PRIVATE ROM -- DAY] (Finished, Phoebe hands the pen and clipboard back to Wendy.) PHOEBE: Ok. Here you go. (Wendy takes the clipboard from her and starts looking the application over.) PHOEBE: So, uh ... what's next? WENDY: What's next is we try to match you up with the perfect donor. PHOEBE: Do you think I'm gonna get to meet him? WENDY: This isn't a dating service, Ms. Halliwell. It's a sperm bank. PHOEBE: Right. Right. (PRE-LAP) PIPER: (v.o.) I blame you for this, you know. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. PARK -- DAY] (Piper shuts the car door closed. She's on the phone with Paige.) PIPER: You're the one that had to open your big yap to Leo. Don't you remember what happened the last time we went to marriage counseling? INTERCUT WITH: [INT. MANOR - LIVING ROOM - DAY] PAIGE: Jeesh, I was just tryin' to help. Don't go if you don't want. (Piper and Leo are walking away from their parked SUV.) PIPER: Oh, no. We're going now. Only this time, we're going to some magical quack that Leo knows. LEO: (interrupts) He's not a quack, he's a soothsayer. PIPER: Like I said. Which way? PAIGE: So, what, you're not gonna help me get Sam's charge out of the hospital? PIPER: Uh ... no. Uh, why don't you try Agent Murphy? Maybe he can help you. If he had enough clout to get our identities back, he should be able to help you out with this. PAIGE: Well, what about my job interview? PIPER: I don't know. Don't ask me. Ask your dad. PAIGE: He's not my -- (Paige stops pacing the floor right in front of Sam. She sighs and closes her cell phone.) PAIGE: Never mind. (He motions to her.) SAM WILDER: Shall we go? (Paige shrugs, turns and heads for the door.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. PARK - DAY -- CONTINUOUS] (Meanwhile, Piper and Leo are walking through the park looking for Leo's soothsayer.) PIPER: Any idea where this soothsayer is hiding? LEO: No. I just know that he hangs out here. PIPER: Oh-kay ... and how exactly do you know this guy? LEO: From my Whitelighter years. PIPER: Huh. LEO: Trust me ... all right? He's helped plenty of magical couples over the years. PIPER: (sighs) Leo, I don't know about this. LEO: It's worth a try, isn't it? PIPER: (sighs) Actually, you know what? We've been through worse, and we should be able to fix this ourselves. LEO: Okay, but we haven't, have we? (Piper sighs.) LEO: You know? Look, we're just a little out of sync, that's all. It happens. (They stop walking.) You know, there's nothing wrong getting some outside help once in a while. We owe it to ourselves. SOOTHSAYER: Flowers are not so much different from marriages, really. (They turn and find the gardener pruning the nearby rose bush. The roses on the bush are dead and dried.) SOOTHSAYER: If you don't tend to them ... nourish them ... they wither. (He passes his hand over the rose bush and the roses magically brighten, lush and full of color.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. HOSPITAL - HALLWAY -- DAY] (The elevator bell dings and the doors open. Paige and Sam are in the elevator. Paige is on her phone.) PAIGE: 3:30 is perfect. Thank you so much for rescheduling. I really appreciate it. Okay. Bye. (She hangs up.) SAM WILDER: I don't understand why we couldn't just orb here. It would've been a lot faster. PAIGE: You want my help, you drive like everybody else. SAM WILDER: We're not like everybody else. PAIGE: Shh! Speak for yourself. AGENT MURPHY: (o.s.) Paige. (Agent Murphy is waiting for them.) PAIGE: Oh. Sorry we're late. Really horrible traffic. SAM WILDER: (mutters) 'Course, that could've been avoided. PAIGE: Sam, Agent Murphy. Agent Murphy, Sam. Long story short, Sam's charge was hit by a car, and he's here in the hospital. We need you to check him out before something bad happens to him. SAM WILDER: Well, that was short. AGENT MURPHY: Hold on a sec. Wait. Your "charge"? PAIGE: Uh, Sam's basically a guardian angel. We call it a Whitelighter. SAM WILDER: Like Paige is. PAIGE: But I want to be a social worker. SAM WILDER: But that isn't what you were born to be! PAIGE: Don't make me regret saving you three years ago. AGENT MURPHY: You two related or something? PAIGE: No. SAM WILDER: Yes. PAIGE: (sighs) Anyway. Okay. We need you to get JD out of here as soon as possible before this demon comes for him. AGENT MURPHY: Demon? What demon? (Down the hall, JD is being wheeled out on a gurney. "Dr." Vaklav is there to receive him from the orderlies.) VAKLAV: I'll take it from here. ORDERLY: Yes, doctor. (Sam sees JD on the gurney. They also watch as Vaklav pushes JD out of the hallway and into one of the rooms.) SAM WILDER: There's my charge. There's JD. (Agent Murphy notices Vaklav's shoes.) AGENT MURPHY: (thinking out loud) Dirty boots. Doctors don't wear dirty boots. [INT. HOSPITAL - RECOVERY ROOM - DAY - CONTINUOUS] (The door bursts open. Agent Murphy steps into the room, his gun raised and pointed at Vaklav.) AGENT MURPHY: Freeze! Don't move. (Vaklav turns around, powers up a fireball and throws it at Agent Murphy. Agent Murphy dives to the side and the fireball hits the wall nearby.) (On the floor on his back, Agent Murphy swings around and fires five time point blank at Vaklav. Vaklav looks down at the bullet holes in his chest and right before Agent Murphy's eyes, the bullet holes vanish.) (Vaklav shimmers out.) (Paige and Sam run into the room.) PAIGE: (coughs) What happened? (Agent Murphy's too stunned to speak.) (Paige and Sam head over to check on JD.) [SCENE_BREAK] (COMMERCIAL SET) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. MANOR - CONSERVATORY -- DAY] (Sam sets JD gently down on the conservatory couch. He and Paige talk.) PAIGE: Okay, why would a demon take him out of 1955 only to try to kill him now? (Sam looks at Paige and sighs.) SAM WILDER: He must've gotten something out of keeping JD alive all these years. PAIGE: Yeah, but ... what? And why hasn't he aged? That's ... creepy, even by our standards. SAM WILDER: Now you know why I came to you. PAIGE: Well ... just heal him. Maybe he'll know something. SAM WILDER: No. I don't want him awake. PAIGE: Why not? SAM WILDER: Because he'll wake up fifty years in the future, that's why. I dot t want him to freak out. He'll take off. I know him. Barely got him to trust me before he disappeared. PAIGE: Well, I thought you said he was a future whitelighter. SAM WILDER: Yeah, if I can keep him out of trouble, which ... I obviously haven't done a very good job of. PAIGE: Well, I surrounded this room with crystals, so he's safe here. It'll give us some time to figure out who this demon is. SAM WILDER: But how? We didn't get a good look at him, and if there's nothing in the Book of Shadows ... PAIGE: Agent Murphy might have some leads. He told me this wasn't the first case he'd heard of where someone just vanished into thin air. SAM WILDER: What part of the government does he work for, exactly? PAIGE: Uhhh ... the super-creepy part. (Paige sighs.) PAIGE: Look, he's helped us out with some magical problems. Ok, we trust him, he trusts us. (Paige stands up.) I'm gonna go talk to him, see what he knows, and, uh ... I'll call you. Okay? SAM WILDER: The whitelighter way? PAIGE: No, Sam, the regular way. Answer the phone if it rings. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. PARK -- DAY] (Piper and Leo sit on the park bench listening to the Soothsayer.) SOOTHSAYER: Their wings old and tired, the two butterflies clung to a broken branch. And together, they floated down the river, each breathing life into the other as they made their final journey ... home. PIPER: Yoo-hoo. Anybody home? Earth calling. LEO: Come on, give him a chance. PIPER: I have, for the last 52 minutes and 23 seconds. LEO: So ... what, that's it? Time's up? PIPER: You think? SOOTHSAYER: You've stopped listening to each other. It's common. PIPER: Look, I didn't want to come here in the first place. Okay? Our problems are not magical, Leo. They're normal. LEO: They were caused by magic. That's why we're here. PIPER: No. We are here because you didn't care what I wanted. You just cared what you wanted. SOOTHSAYER: How many times a day do you have s*x? PIPER: A day? What, are you crazy? No wonder you wanted to see him. Are you kidding me? (Piper's cell phone rings.) PIPER: Really. Hang on. (She checks her message: Can U get Billie? 911 @ house PIPER: Ahh, shucks! Look! (She shows the message to Leo.) Family emergency. Gotta go. (Piper gets to her feet and leaves.) SOOTHSAYER: Just remember ... it is always darkest before the dawn. (Leo gets up and follows her.) (As they leave, the Soothsayer crushes some rose petals in his hands. They vanish in some magic. Magical red lights appear and he sends them Piper and Leo's way.) (Unknown to them, the red lights hit Piper and Leo in the back. They continue on their way.) (The Soothsayer smiles, nods and waves to them as they disappear from his view.) [INT. CAR (PARKED) - DAY - CONTINUOUS] ("Piper" opens the driver's door and slips inside. She notices it immediately, the seat is too far back. Her feet don't reach the pedals. But that can't be. She drove here. Didn't she?) ("Leo" gets into the passenger seat and finds himself squished - the seat's too close to the dashboard, his legs scrunched up and pressed against his chest.) ("Leo" looks around.) PIPER (IN LEO): What the hell? ("Piper" stares at "Leo.") PIPER (IN LEO): Leo? LEO (IN PIPER): Piper? (Staring at each other and realizing that they've switched bodies, the two scream.) BOTH: Aaahh! [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CLINIC - PRIVATE ROOM -- DAY] (Phoebe is looking through a yellow file folder.) PHOEBE: Mmm ... yep. Nope. Nope. This one's not right, either. WENDY: But we've been through over fifty donor candidates so far. PHOEBE: Yeah, I know. Uh ... maybe I'm just not being specific. What I need is a little girl with brown eyes, sandy-blond hair, cute little button nose that likes to save innocents, you know, kicks butt, works well in groups of three. (chuckles) I mean, that's all. WENDY: That's all? PHOEBE: Yeah. WENDY: Ms. Halliwell ... PHOEBE: Oh. You know what? Call me Phoebe. Uh, please. I mean, we're talking sperm here, right? WENDY: Phoebe. I don't think specifics are the problem here. I mean ... let's face it, you have an incredibly specific image of who you want your little girl to be. Too specific, actually. PHOEBE: Oh, to be honest ... uh, she doesn't have to have the little button nose. Okay. WENDY: We specialize in helping to create families here. And we're dedicated to promoting an open approach to helping anybody who wants to start a family but can't. PHOEBE: And I totally respect that. I mean, that's why I'm here. WENDY: But ... we're not a substitute for love. I've been doing this a long time, Phoebe. And I know from experience that when someone can't find a match ... they don't really want to. What they want ... is outside these walls, not inside. (Wendy gets up and leaves the room.) (Phoebe stands up and looks around. Something catches her eyes. She stands up and looks at the bulletin board filled with pictures and photos of various couples with children, singles with children and other families the center has helped create.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. MANOR - CONSERVATORY -- DAY] (JD sleeps on the couch as Sam paces the floor waiting for Paige. He glances at his watch.) SAM WILDER: Paige ... Where are you? JD: (mumbles, o.s.) Sam? (Sam turns around to see JD slowly waking.) JD: Sam. SAM WILDER: Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh. It's ok, JD. (Sam sits next to JD.) SAM WILDER: You just go back to sleep. You rest. (JD walks up.) JD: But what ... ohh! What happened? Uhh! (He groans in pain.) JD: God. SAM WILDER: Close your eyes. Go on. Trust me. (JD closes his eyes. Sam holds out his hands and heals him. He cuts and bruises on JD's forehead vanish.) (JD opens his eyes.) JD: I feel better. How? What's goin' on? SAM WILDER: It's a long story. But you still need to rest. Okay? It's important. You've been through a lot. JD: Ok, but ... (JD sits up.) JD: What happened? (He looks around.) Where am I? How'd I get here? SAM WILDER: What do you remember? JD: Well, I remember getting nailed by a car. SAM WILDER: Before that. JD: I ... I don't know. I ... I was at the drive-in. It was the middle of the flick, "Rebel Without a Cause," ... I went to get a soda. And ... SAM WILDER: And what? JD: I don't know. Some ... creep scared the hell out of me. Took a flash photo. Blinded me. Next thing I know, I'm inside somewhere and he's ... SAM WILDER: He's what? What did he do? (He chuckles.) JD: You know, I must've bashed my head in pretty good. (He looks around. Off screen, the door opens. Sam gets up to check it out.) SAM WILDER: Stay put. [INT. MANOR - FOYER / MAIN HALL -- DAY] (Billie, Piper and Leo walk into the house.) LEO (IN PIPER): Piper, the Soothsayer must've done this for a reason. PIPER (IN LEO): Look, I am not gonna spend the rest of my life tinkling standing up. LEO (IN PIPER): Uhh! Actually, guys don't 'tinkle'. We -- BILLIE JENKINS: (interrupts) Hey! You guys! Will you knock it off? You're driving me crazy. PIPER (IN LEO): Look, either you find a spell to reverse this, or you find a magical divorce attorney. (Sam steps out into the foyer. "Piper" steps forward to shake his hand.) LEO (IN PIPER): Hey, Sam, how's it going? SAM WILDER: Wow! That's ... quite a handshake, Piper. PIPER (IN LEO): That's because I'm Piper and that's Leo. (Without another word, "Leo" heads for the stairs.) LEO (IN PIPER): Uh, yeah. It's a long story. Don't ask. We'll be upstairs. We got a few things to work out. ("Piper" follows.) PIPER (IN LEO): (dryly) Gee, you think? LEO (IN PIPER): Uh ... and Paige thought Billie could help you. She's really good -- PIPER (IN LEO): Upstairs, mister. (Leo chuckles. He smiles and points to Piper as she heads upstairs, stomping loudly along the way.) (Billie steps up to Sam.) BILLIE JENKINS: So, I'm pretty much caught up here, but I charge 10 bucks an hour to baby-sit. SAM WILDER: Baby-sit. BILLIE JENKINS: Yeah. That's what I'm doing here, right? Not exactly a demon hunt, but in for a penny, in for a pound, huh? SAM WILDER: Okay. Look, I need to find Paige. I need you to look after JD. Do not let him out of the house. If he finds out what year it is, he'll go crazy. BILLIE JENKINS: Okay, fine. I'll just cast a spell on him. SAM WILDER: No. No spells. He doesn't know anything about magic, and he can't, either. He's had more than enough magic used on him already. BILLIE JENKINS: Fine. Twelve bucks an hour. But when you find Paige, you tell her I have a midterm to study for and a sister to find. She owes me big time for this. This is so rid -- (JD steps out into view. Billie is completely mesmerized by his cuteness.) JD: (o.s.) Hey, baby. (Her jaw drops.) JD: What's shaking? BILLIE JENKINS: (to Sam) No charge. (She looks at JD and smiles. JD smiles back at her.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. HOMELAND SECURITY - MURPHY'S OFFICE -- DAY] (Paige and Agent Murphy are looking through files. Sam orbs into the office.) SAM WILDER: What the hell is taking so long? AGENT MURPHY: Where'd you come from? PAIGE: I just got here. SAM WILDER: Yeah, well, you wouldn't have if you'd orbed. PAIGE: I didn't want to orb. SAM WILDER: Which is why I had to. JD's awake. PAIGE: Who's with him? SAM WILDER: Billie. I don't know how long she's gonna be able to keep him from figuring out where he is. AGENT MURPHY: Did he say anything about what happened? SAM WILDER: Not much. Just that somebody took a flash photograph of him, nearly blinded him. AGENT MURPHY: Flash photo, huh? PAIGE: (to Agent Murphy) Wasn't one of the last victims seen with a photographer? [EXT. HOMELAND SECURITY BUILDING - FRONT -- DAY] (Agent Murphy, Paige and Sam exit the building. They walk down the front steps on their way somewhere.) (A man turns around. It's Vaklav. He follows them.) [SCENE_BREAK] (COMMERCIAL SET) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. MANOR - CONSERVATORY -- DAY] (Through the reflection off the television screen, we see JD kneeling to look at the television. Billie stands next to him, watching him.) JD: Wow. Cool. A television. (He stands up and looks around the set.) JD: Where are the ears? BILLIE JENKINS: The ears? JD: Yeah, you know ... antennas. BILLIE JENKINS: Oh. Oh, the antennas. Right. Um ... it doesn't have -- this thing's been broken for ages. Why don't we sit down and chat. JD: Boss. BILLIE JENKINS: (chuckles) Did you just say "boss"? JD: (chuckles) Are you from a different country or something? BILLIE JENKINS: Um, no. Why do you ask? JD: Because you don't seem to know much about ours. Plus the way you're dressed. BILLIE JENKINS: Yeah. Ok, let's talk about something else. So, um ... where you from, JD? JD: Yeah, where's Sam? (JD takes out a cigarette.) BILLIE JENKINS: Sam? He went out on an errand. He'll be right back. (He lights up.) BILLIE JENKINS: Hey! What are you doing? JD: Oh, you want one? BILLIE JENKINS: No! I -- Hello! Cancer. JD: What are you talking about? (Billie's cell phone rings. She takes it out.) BILLIE JENKINS: Oh, jeez. JD: What is that? (Wary, he stands up.) BILLIE JENKINS: This is, uh ... nothing. This is just a -- it's a new musical device. My dad's an inventor. (She giggles. JD looks around the place.) JD: What's goin' on around here? BILLIE JENKINS: Wait. I -- JD, I can explain. JD: Yeah? I'm listening. BILLIE JENKINS: Okay, well, maybe I can't explain. Or at least, I'm not allowed to, but ... look, all I can promise you is that you're safe here. JD: Safe ... from what? (The smoke from JD's cigarette causes the smoke alarm to beep. Startled, Billie covers her ears from the loud piercing alarm.) BILLIE JENKINS: Oh, jeez. (Startled, JD turns around and loses his balance. He falls onto the nearest chair. On the chair is the remote. He sits on the remote, turning it on.) JD: Uhh! (A loud, blaring music video appears on screen. He grabs the remote and looks at it.) JD: Where am I? (The singer on the music video starts singing. It's very eerie.) BILLIE JENKINS: JD, it's okay. Let me - Hold on. (Freaked, JD escapes out the conservatory doors.) BILLIE JENKINS: Piper! Leo! (There's no answer.) BILLIE JENKINS: I can't believe this. (Billie exits out the conservatory doors after JD.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. SAWYER'S APARTMENT BUILDING #608 (STOCK) - DAY] [INT. SAWYER APARTMENT - LIVING ROOM -- DAY] (An elderly man, Mr. Sawyer talks with Agent Murphy, Paige and Sam. He's looking at a framed photo of a woman.) MR. SAWYER: So beautiful. She was an angel. I've wracked my brain trying to understand what happened. (Agent Murphy hands the photo to Sam.) MR. SAWYER: Thirty years. It all feels like yesterday. I just hope and pray ... that she'll come back to me again. AGENT MURPHY: You mentioned in the police report that you saw a flash of light. Any idea what that was or where it came from? MR. SAWYER: The camera, I assume. She was having her picture taken for her mother's birthday. PAIGE: At a photography studio? MR. SAWYER: Yes. AGENT MURPHY: Do you remember where that was? MR. SAWYER: It was somewhere over on Knob Hill, but it's not there anymore. PAIGE: And that's the last you saw of her. MR. SAWYER: Yeah. (Sam hands the photo back to Agent Murphy.) SAM WILDER: What about the photographer? Anyone ever track him down? MR. SAWYER: They tried. I tried. But ... it's as if he disappeared, too! AGENT MURPHY: (softly to Paige) Your demon, maybe? PAIGE: (softly back) You think you can find that studio? (Agent Murphy hands the photo to Paige. He stands up.) AGENT MURPHY: Yeah. Excuse me. (Agent Murphy steps out of the room.) MR. SAWYER: She wanted to be a teacher. She had such a good heart. Always helping others. SAM WILDER: She sounds like a wonderful girl. MR. SAWYER: I still miss her. A father never stops loving his daughter. (Paige falls silent. Sam watches Paige.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. SAWYER APARTMENT BUILDING #608 -- DAY] (Agent Murphy is on his cell phone out front. The front door opens. Paige and Sam exits the building. Murphy sees them and finishes up his call.) AGENT MURPHY: (to phone) Yeah. All right. I gotta go. Bye. (He hangs up.) AGENT MURPHY: So, it, uh, turns out that studio used to be a few blocks away from where your friend was hit by that car. PAIGE: Which means the demon might reopen for business. AGENT MURPHY: What, taking pictures? PAIGE: Stealing lives. (She sighs.) I think, uh ... we should handle this. AGENT MURPHY: (alarmed) What? Why? PAIGE: Well, in case you don't remember, firearms and fireballs don't mix. SAM WILDER: Maybe we should call your sisters, just in case. PAIGE: I think I can handle one lousy demon alone, thank you. SAM WILDER: Well, what if you can't? PAIGE: Oh, what, are you worried about me? SAM WILDER: We should get going. (Sam motions and steps away. After a beat, Paige follows him. They both walk past Agent Murphy. He looks at them.) AGENT MURPHY: What am I supposed to do? (He doesn't get an answer. He turns and leaves.) (In the background, Vaklav steps out into view.) (He smiles, then shimmers out.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. SKY - DAY] (An airplane flies overhead.) [EXT. STREET - DAY -- CONTINUOUS] (JD watches the plane fly above. He's never seen a plane like this before. Billie is nearby.) JD: Am I dead? BILLIE JENKINS: No, but you're gonna be if we don't get outta here. (He looks around.) JD: Unreal! BILLIE JENKINS: JD, I'm telling you, ok? We have to go. We -- (A silver hybrid passes by. JD is astonished by the futuristic nature of the car.) JD: Did -- did you see that?! It didn't make a sound, like right out of Buck Rogers! BILLIE JENKINS: Yeah. It's a hybrid. Runs on battery. JD: Battery? Why? BILLIE JENKINS: Are you kidding? With gas three bucks a gallon? JD: Three bucks? No way! It's, like, 25 cents. (Before she can answer, two officers on motorized stand-up scooters travel past them on the sidewalk. JD's startled and quickly pulls Billie out of their path.) BILLIE JENKINS: Wh ... hey, hey. It's okay. It's all right. They're not gonna hurt you. It's just a cop. JD: A cop? (she nods) I -- I don't understand. BILLIE JENKINS: I know. I know. I'm sorry. (He looks at date on the newspaper in the dispenser.) JD: November 6, 2005? But that's not possible! Is it? BILLIE JENKINS: What else could it be? Look, I know this is a lot to handle. Okay? I don't know what to tell you. All I can say is Sam can explain this to you in a much safer place, so we should go. JD: My dad. I -- I gotta see my dad. (He turns and runs down the sidewalk. Billie takes off after him.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. MANOR - ATTIC -- DAY] (BAMM! A cloud of white smoke rises from the potions cauldron. "Piper" is throwing ingredients into the pot while "Leo" stands in front of the open Book of Shadows.) PIPER (IN LEO): Hey. Watch the face, will you, Leo? I just got a peel. LEO (IN PIPER): Would you please just try to find a spell to change us back? I know what I'm doing, Piper. PIPER (IN LEO): People who know what they're doing don't cause explosions. LEO (IN PIPER): You know, it's one thing to have my wife constantly criticize everything I do. It's another thing when you do it from my own body! PIPER (IN LEO): Well, since I figure you'd never listen to me, you might listen to yourself. (Phoebe enters the attic, mumbling to herself.) PHOEBE: No romantic dinners. No walks on the beach. (She stops in front of "Piper".) PHOEBE: There is no way I can be inseminated. I tried. I just couldn't do it. It didn't feel right. LEO (IN PIPER): That's ... gross. PHOEBE: No. What's gross is me pushing the issue because of some stupid premonitions. You know? I want love first. I want what you guys have. LEO (AS PIPER) Not today, you don't. Trust me. PHOEBE: Why? What's going on? (Leo points to Piper standing in Leo's body in front of the Book stand.) LEO (AS PIPER) Talk to your sister. ("Piper" waves to Phoebe.) PIPER (IN LEO): Yeah. PHOEBE: Oh, my God. Did Wyatt switch you guys again? LEO (AS PIPER) No. It was a marriage counselor. PIPER (IN LEO): Actually ... it was a gardener ... (smug) And it was Leo's fault. ("Piper" sighs loudly.) LEO (AS PIPER) Okay, that's too weird. PIPER (IN LEO): Never mind. We'll figure it out. How's, uh, Billie doing downstairs with JD? PHOEBE: There's nobody downstairs. PIPER (IN LEO): What?! [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. RESIDENTIAL STREET - DAY] (Billie waits outside. JD exits the care home. He's very upset. Billie gets up and follows him.) BILLIE JENKINS: Hey. Are you all right? JD: They said that ... my dad ... just died. BILLIE JENKINS: Oh, god, JD, I'm so sorry. JD: They said he was 93 years old. I mean, 93! How could that be? He had nobody left. Not my mom, my brother. They said he buried me fifty years ago, even though he never stopped looking for me. I mean, how could he bury me! I'm still alive! BILLIE JENKINS: I know. I know. We are gonna figure this whole thing out. Listen. Look at me. JD, listen. You can trust me. Right? You know you can trust me. I'm gonna tell you something you're not gonna believe, but you're gonna have to. It's the only way this whole thing is gonna make any sense to you. JD: Okay. BILLIE JENKINS: What happened fifty years ago ... to you ... whatever's going on, Sam is -- is figuring that out. All I know is whatever it is, it has something ... to do with magic. JD: You're crazy. BILLIE JENKINS: No, I'm not. It's real. Ok? Just like what the demon did to you? That's real. And that he's trying to kill you, this is all very real. (He's finding it very difficult to believe her. She sighs.) BILLIE JENKINS: Look, I know this is hard to handle. Okay? Believe me, I'm new at this myself. I just found out a week ago that a demon kidnapped my sister. Believe me, I know what you're going through. Or at least, I kinda know what you're going through. Just don't run away from me. I can protect you from this. I promise. (She steps forward and give shim a hug. He slowly hugs her back.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. CHADWICK PHOTO STUDIO (STOCK) - DAY] (The sign in the studio door reads CLOSED.) [INT. CHADWICK PHOTO STUDIO -- DAY] (Sam and Paige are looking through the various photos and photo albums.) PAIGE: Anything? SAM WILDER: No. Maybe we should take something back to try and scry for. (He walks past the drawer and senses something. He holds out his hands at the drawers, palms forward.) PAIGE: Everything all right? SAM WILDER: Can you feel that? (Paige walks over to him.) PAIGE: Feel what? (He exhales sharply.) SAM WILDER: The pain ... innocents. I can sense them. They were here. Future whitelighters. That's what he's after. This could be a trap. You've gotta get out of here. PAIGE: No. I'm not a future whitelighter. I am a whitelighter. SAM WILDER: But you're not embracing it. Otherwise, you'd sense it, too. That makes you vulnerable. PAIGE: No, that makes me sane. SAM WILDER: Look, you've got to stop fighting this, Paige. Gotta stop fighting yourself. Whether you like it or not, you are my daughter, which makes you a whitelighter, and it's about damn time you accepted that. PAIGE: The hell it is. Look, for your information, my father -- my real father -- the one who raised me, loved me, and took care of me till the day he died was a firefighter, not a whitelighter, so how dare you show up here and act like you're my dad? 'Cause I have news for you -- you're not. (Upset, Paige turns around and leaves the studio, the shop bell jingles as the front door slams closed behind her.) (Sam closes his eyes and turns around, regretfully. He rubs his eyes.) (The shop bell jingles.) (Sam quickly turns around.) SAM WILDER: Paige? (It's Vaklav.) VAKLAV: Daughters. They tend to outlive their fathers ... grieve longer. (Vaklav holds his hands out in front of him and an old camera appears. Under his left arm, he has a rolled-up piece of paper.) SAM WILDER: Wait. Don't. VAKLAV: Smile. (He snaps. The camera flashes.) (Sam vanishes.) (The camera disappears in a flash.) (Vaklav takes out the rolled-up sheet of paper and unrolls it.) (In the empty spot where JD used to be, Sam's image now fills it.) [SCENE_BREAK] (COMMERCIAL SET) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. MANOR - ATTIC -- NIGHT] (Phoebe walks into the attic and stops abruptly at the sight before her: Piper is standing in front of the scrying table, the map askew and fumbling, yes, fumbling with the scrying crystal. Leo is standing next to her trying to take the scrying crystal from her.) PHOEBE: Any luck finding JD and Billie? ("Leo" tries to take the scrying crystal from "Piper". She keeps slapping his hands away from her.) PIPER (IN LEO): Uh, no, because Leo won't let me try. LEO (IN PIPER): Because Piper's powers are still in her body. PIPER (IN LEO): But the knowledge of how to use them isn't. LEO (IN PIPER): (sighs) Oh, yeah? Wanna see me freeze you? PIPER (IN LEO): Ha! Like you even know how! PHOEBE: Ok, ok, ok! What the hell is going on here? PIPER (IN LEO): Well, first of all, we're in each other's bodies. PHOEBE: Well, yes. Obviously. But the question is, why? ("Piper" stops scrying and puts the crystal down on the table.) PIPER (IN LEO): Stupid gardener. LEO (IN PIPER): He's a Soothsayer. PIPER (IN LEO): He's a quack! ("Leo" picks up the crystal.) PHOEBE: Ok. Well, whatever it is, I think he knows exactly what he's doing. (Both Piper and Leo roll their eyes at Phoebe.) PHOEBE: Come on! Every shrink wants couples to walk a mile in each other's shoes. Right? This guy just did it literally. ("Leo" looks at the boobs on "her" body. "Piper" slaps his hands for him to stop it.) LEO (IN PIPER): Well, it's not working. PHOEBE: Isn't it? (to Leo) Look, you've only been in Piper's body a few hours, and already you see what she has to juggle -- you know, being the breadwinner, a mom, A Charmed One? PIPER (IN LEO): See? PHOEBE: (to Piper) And you, you finally get a good understanding what it feels like to be Leo and not have any powers and to be married to a witch. He has to do all the legwork around here, pick up all the slack. It's a thankless job. You guys have forgotten how great you are together. Everybody wants what you have. Trust me, i want what you have. Don't take it for granted. PIPER (IN LEO): She's right. LEO (IN PIPER): I know. We need to find more time to spend together, Piper, just the two of us. PIPER (IN LEO): So we can talk. LEO (IN PIPER): And listen. (As soon as they agree, a red glow appears inside them and switches places with the other.) LEO: We're back. PIPER: Whoo. Thank God. PHOEBE: Thank the shrink. Now, hurry up and find Billie. (Leo holds out the crystal for Piper. She takes it from him.) BILLIE JENKINS: (o.s.) Um, there's no need for that. (They turn and see Billie enter the attic with JD.) BILLIE JENKINS: JD needs to talk to Sam. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CHADWICK PHOTO STUDIO -- NIGHT] (The door bell jingles as Paige enters the photo studio. She's on the phone.) PAIGE: What do you mean, he knows everything? I thought Billie was supposed to wrangle him. (She sighs as she looks around.) PAIGE: Yeah, I'm here, but I'm not seeing Sam. Well ... just have JD call him. He's his charge. All right, all right, already. Criminy. (She hangs up the phone and sighs.) PAIGE: Sam? (The bell on the shop door jingles. Paige turns around to look and sees the front door open. No one is there.) VAKLAV: (o.s.) Looking for someone? (Paige turns around and sees Vaklav inside the shop.) PAIGE: Who are you? VAKLAV: Well, not to be defined by my work, but let's just say ... I like taking pictures. (Paige looks around.) PAIGE: Tripod! (She orbs the tripod over to Vaklav and pins him against the wall.) PAIGE: Tell me where Sam is. VAKLAV: Oh, you love your father more than you think. Which means you'll miss him terribly. You see, I'm an expert in pain. It's my bread and butter, really. I feed off it. (He shimmers out and appears behind Paige. Paige turns around. He backhands her across the face. She falls to the ground.) PAIGE: Unhh! (She looks at him.) PAIGE: What do you want?! VAKLAV: To keep my collage complete. When JD escaped, I was forced to take Sam. If you want to see your father alive again ... bring me JD. PIPER: (PRE-LAP) We don't swap innocents. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. MANOR - CONSERVATORY -- NIGHT] (Everyone discusses what to do next.) PIPER: The demon must know that. PAIGE: Well ... he wasn't after JD. He's just a -- a loose end, someone that got away. PHOEBE: Someone that he wants to finish off. PIPER: Well, he's got who he really wants -- Sam. PAIGE: Yeah, thanks to me. I should've listen to him. PHOEBE: Mmm, maybe you didn't want to. (JD appears in the doorway.) JD: Hey, what's the problem? If he wants me, let him have me. PHOEBE: Well, the problem is, he's gonna kill you. JD: I got away from him before, didn't I? PIPER: Yeah. How did you do that? JD: It was something I learned from my dad. And it works every time. BILLIE JENKINS: No. Not this time. It's too dangerous. JD: Well, it doesn't matter. I owe him. He turned my life around. I -- I don't know what I would've done without him. PIPER: Um ... why don't we take this up to the attic and see what Leo's come up with. PHOEBE: We'll be back. (Piper, Paige and Phoebe leave the room.) JD: Well ... what about Sam? BILLIE JENKINS: Oh, they'll figure something out. (JD turns to leave.) BILLIE JENKINS: JD, wait. Where do you think you're going? JD: Where do you think? BILLIE JENKINS: Look, I can't let y -- hey, you know I can stop you this time. (JD stops and sighs heavily. He turns to look at Billie.) JD: Billie ... I have to go. And besides, this isn't my time anymore. BILLIE JENKINS: What are you talking about? JD: Everyone I've ever loved, ever known, is gone now. I'm not supposed to be here. BILLIE JENKINS: But you are here. JD: Yeah, by some strange twist of fate. (He sighs.) My time has passed. But Sam's still got family. He's still got friends. He can still help people. BILLIE JENKINS: But you're here for a reason. I believe that. JD: Well, maybe it was to do this. To do good. Or maybe it was just to meet you. BILLIE JENKINS: JD ... JD: Promise me something. You won't waste your whole life looking for your sister like my dad wasted his looking for me. BILLIE JENKINS: I don't understand. I don't -- (He steps forward and kisses her. He brings up his hand and puts pressure on a point on her neck, knocking her out immediately.) (He gently puts her down on the couch. He leans in close and whispers to her.) JD: (softly) I was lucky to know you, Billie. (JD gets up and leaves.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. SAN FRANCISCO STREET (STOCK) - NIGHT] (ANGLE DOWN on the street below. We zoom from one point to another.) [INT. CHADWICK PHOTO STUDIO -- NIGHT] (The front door bell jingles as JD enters the photo studio. On the counter top is the demonic camera.) JD: Sam? (He closes the door behind him.) JD: Sam! (Vaklav shimmers in.) JD: You let Sam go. You've got me now. VAKLAV: Still, I need Sam to complete my collage. Just like I needed you. But not anymore. JD: If you don't free him, the sisters -- VAKLAV: Will never find me ... once I've taken care of my last ... loose end. (Vaklav powers up a fireball. JD starts to run toward him. Vaklav hits JD with the fireball, killing him.) (Vaklav picks up the demonic camera and shimmers out.) [SCENE_BREAK] (COMMERCIAL SET) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT MANOR - KITCHEN -- NIGHT] (Billie stands in the room alone. Phoebe walks in.) PHOEBE: Billie ... it's not your fault. BILLIE JENKINS: Yes, it is. I should've stopped him. PHOEBE: If you could have, you would have. He didn't want you to. BILLIE JENKINS: It's just so unfair. How--why would JD come back after all this time just to die like this? PHOEBE: We can't save every innocent. We're witches ... not ... Gods. BILLIE JENKINS: But I promised to protect him. PHOEBE: Promises can be tricky. Sometimes you just have to let things happen ... in their own time ... in their own way. Everything happens for a reason. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. MANOR - ATTIC -- NIGHT] (Piper and Leo walk into the attic where Paige is trying to scry for Sam.) PIPER: Paige, you're not gonna find Sam that way. PAIGE: Oh, yeah? Watch me. LEO: Well, how do you know he's even in the city? You don't know who the demon is. (Paige stops and looks at them.) PAIGE: You're right. (She drops the crystal and moves away from the scrying table and heads over to the Book. She starts flipping through the pages.) PAIGE: You ... make a vanquishing potion, the strongest one we've got. PIPER: Uh ... you know, there is another way to find Sam. PAIGE: Yeah? How? LEO: Call him? PAIGE: I already tried that. Thanks. PIPER: You ... called for Sam. I think you need to call for your father. PAIGE: He's not ... my father. LEO: He's not your only father, but he is still, in fact, your father. You're connected. At least as a whitelighter. (Paige rolls her eyes, but gives it a try.) PAIGE: Dad? (After a long moment, Sam appears in the attic. He looks stunned to be there.) SAM WILDER: Paige. (A beat later, all the other people Vaklav stole appear in the attic behind Sam.) (Piper starts motioning for them to step back.) PIPER: Uh ... okay, everybody, let's back up. We're gonna have some company. (Vaklav shimmers into the attic holding the blank piece of parchment and looking perplexed as to what happened.) VAKLAV: I don't understand. (Piper steps in front of Sam. He glares at Piper.) VAKLAV: How did you free them?! PIPER: Ooh. I didn't. (looks at Paige) She did. PAIGE: (shrugs) I guess my whitelighter side is stronger than I thought. (Vaklav powers up a fireball and throws it at her. Piper waves her hands and forces the fireball back at Vaklav, hitting him square in the chest. He grunts and falls back to the floor.) (Paige picks up the demonic camera and points it at him.) PAIGE: Smile. VAKLAV: No! (Paige snaps a photo of Vaklav. He vanishes.) (She picks up the parchment to show Vaklav's photographic image in the center.) PAIGE: I think I'll have this one framed. (Leo looks at the people in the attic.) LEO: What about them? PAIGE: Hmm. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. SAN FRANCISCO CITY LIGHTS (STOCK) - NIGHT] [EXT. SAN FRANCISCO CITY (STOCK) - SUNRISE TO DAY] [EXT. GOLDEN GATE BRIDGE - TOWER -- DAY] (Paige is on the Golden Gate Bridge tower.) PAIGE: You may as well show up. I know you're lurking around here somewhere. (Sam orbs in.) SAM WILDER: Nothing wrong with those Whitelighter instincts of yours. Figured you'd want to talk. PAIGE: Uh, actually, I ... wanted to apologize. SAM WILDER: For ... ? PAIGE: For being so hard on you. SAM WILDER: Paige, look, you don't have to, uh -- PAIGE: Yeah, actually ... I do. Guess I hadn't realized how much ... you know, it hurt me -- the whole ... not-showing-up thing. SAM WILDER: I don't blame you. I should've come by long ago. But ... out of deference to your ... real father's memory, I ... I'm not exactly sure how I fit in. PAIGE: Well ... I think there's room for both of you in my life. SAM WILDER: Agent Murphy managed to track down all the innocents' families? PAIGE: Yes, he did. I think it's safe to say Mr. Sawyer got the shock of his life. It'll be a tough adjustment. SAM WILDER: Better late than never. PAIGE: Yeah. Unfortunately, not for JD. SAM WILDER: Oh, I wouldn't be so sure about that. It might've taken him an extra fifty years, but I think he finally managed to prove himself a future Whitelighter ... by saving another. You. (Paige smiles.) SAM WILDER: See you around? PAIGE: Definitely. (Sam smiles, then orbs out.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. CEMETERY - DAY] (Billie brushes the leaves off an old gravestone.) JONATHAN DAVID WILLIAMS J.D. BELOVED SON [SCENE_BREAK] (She puts a single white rose on the stone.) (ANGLE DOWN on Billie and the gravestone.)

As Paige contemplates returning to work as a Social Worker, she gets a visit from her father Sam, looking for help in locating J.D., an old charge of his who disappeared in the 1950's. While on the case, they discover J.D. was taken by a demon who pretends to be a doctor as cover to kidnap future Whitelighters and keeps them trapped in a photo collage. Meanwhile, a bickering Piper and Leo go to a soothsayer for help in getting over their marital problems.

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[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is getting ready for a date with Monica as Ross enters.] Ross: Hey! Chandler: Hey! Ross: Wow! You look nice. What's the occasion? Chandler: Monica and I are celebrating our ten-month anniversary, we've got reservations at Ja George. Ross: Wow! How'd you get in there? Chandler: Made a few calls, pulled some strings, and they agreed to seat us at 11:30 if we both had the chicken and didn't get desert. (There's a knock on the door and Chandler answers it. It's the pizza delivery girl.) Delivery Girl: Hi Chandler! Chandler: Hey Caitlin! Somebody got a haircut. Caitlin: Ugh, I hate it! I look like an 8-year-old boy. Chandler: Yeah, if that was true, gym class would've been a lot more interesting. Caitlin: It's uh, 27 dollars even. Chandler: Oh, okay. (Hands her the money.) Here you go. (The duck starts quacking.) Caitlin: Hey, where's the chicken? Chandler: Oh, he's in the back. The duck pissed him off, said that eggs came first. Caitlin: (laughs) Great. I'll see you later! Chandler: Okay, bye! (He closes the door and turns to see Ross glaring at him.) Ross: What the hell was that?! Chandler: What? Ross: The flirting! Aren't you supposed to be going out with, I don't know hmm, let's say my sister?! Chandler: I was not flirting. Ross: It was totally flirting. "Somebody got a haircut (Makes some whiney, nasally noises.)" Chandler: Okay first of all, the impression, uncanny. And second, that was not flirting, that was just casual conversation between two people. That is all. Ross: Yeah, right. Chandler: You wanna see flirting? I'll show you flirting. (Starts to move towards Ross.) Ross: (backing away) I'm good. Opening Credits [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel and Phoebe are in the kitchen.] Rachel: I am so proud of Joey, I can't believe he's going to be on Law & Order! Phoebe: I know. But don't you think that it should be called Order and Law? Rachel: No because first they arrest the guy and then they try him. Phoebe: Don't get me started on that. (Ross and Chandler enter with the pizzas.) Chandler: I was not flirting. Ross: And on your anniversary, for shame! Rachel: What's going on? Ross: Chandler was hitting on the hot delivery girl! Chandler: I was not and oh God, shh! Ross: Well I'm sorry but you were! Okay? And besides if anyone should be hitting on her it's the guy who's single, the guy that who-who-who can do something about it. Phoebe: Sounds like somebody wants to be Mr. Pizza Delivery Girl. Ross: Well... Chandler: Is that what this is about? You like Caitlin? (Ross looks at Rachel.) Rachel: Ross! We broke up two years ago; you've been married since then. I think it's okay that we see other people. Ross: Well, I-I was watching her the other day at the pizza place. Rachel: Hm-mmm. Ross: And she's just so sexy and funny and has the cutest little... Rachel: Okay, y'know what? We don't need her measurements. Phoebe: (looking through the pizzas) Okay pepperoni, pepperoni, pepperoni, okay Ross, I know she's pretty and you love her, but is she stupid?! She forgot my vegetarian! Ross: This is perfect! She'll have to come back here with your pizza, and when she does, I'll turn on the Charm-O-Ross. Oh I'm so glad you don't eat meat. Phoebe: See? Vegetarianism benefits everyone. Joey: (entering, with his grandmother) Hey everybody, look who's here! You remember my grandmother! Rachel: Big night! Phoebe: This is so cool! Chandler: So, Joey on Law & Order, you must be very proud! Joey: Chandler, she doesn't understand a word of English. Chandler: I'm sorry, I thought you were Joey's other grandmother. (She just stares at him.) I've done it again. Joey: She's my biggest fan. Yeah, she's the only one in the family that's believed in me. (They both start speaking Italian to each other, and since I'm not Italian and don't understand one word, we'll move on to the English portion of the show. Not, that I'm English. Not that there's anything wrong with that, it's just that I'm not. Y'know I think I should shut-up now and move on. Anyhoo, she says something about Joey being fat I think based on this line.) Joey: Yeah, I uh weighted like 27 pounds when I was born so... Monica: (entering from the bathroom) Hey! Happy Anniversary! Chandler: Happy Anniversary, 10 months! (They kiss.) Monica: So umm, when I was in the shower I was thinking about our first night in London... Chandler: Uhh, Joey's grandmother is right there. (Points) Monica: Is that the one that speaks English or the one that doesn't? Chandler: The one that doesn't. Monica: That was some hot love you gave me! I'm gonna go get ready. Chandler: Hey, why don't you wear those earrings I gave you? Monica: That's a great idea! I was saving them for something special. Chandler: Okay. Monica: (runs over to Phoebe) You have got to go home! Phoebe: But I like it here! Monica: You gotta go home and get the earrings that you borrowed from me okay? Chandler wants me to wear them tonight. Phoebe: Okay, well I think that they're in my purse. Why don't you go get dressed and I'll look for them. Monica: Great! Phoebe: Okay! (Walks over to Rachel) Rach, hi, I need those earrings you borrowed. Rachel: Oh, umm, okay, yeah, I'll be, yeah I'll be right back. (Goes to her room.) (Phoebe then gets possessed 'cause she starts speaking in tongues. She speaks Italian to Joey's grandmother. She is quickly exorcised and returns to speaking in English. Of course, too most people English is a strange language as well. But none of them are probably reading this and if they were they wouldn't understand it. So why am I talking about them? I have absolutely no clue. Moving on...) Joey: Wow Pheebs, you speak Italian? Phoebe: I guess so. (See, the brief possession didn't affect her at all, like we could really tell.) Rachel: (She enters and hands Phoebe the earring) Here you go. Thank you! Phoebe: Wait, Rach! Where's the other one? Rachel: Oh what, you-you want both of them? Phoebe: Rachel Karen Green, where's the other earring?! Rachel: Okay, okay, okay, look, just don't freak out, but I kinda lost it. I know it's in the apartment, but I definitely lost it. Phoebe: Well, what am I going to tell Monica? She wants to wear them tonight! Rachel: Tell her to wear her own earrings. Phoebe: These are her earrings. Rachel: Nooo! Nooooo! You lent me Monica's earrings?! I'm not allowed to borrow her stuff! Phoebe: Why not? Rachel: Because I lose her stuff! [Time Lapse, the gang is now watching Law & Order. By the way, the entire rest of the episode takes place in Monica and Rachel's apartment. Why are they called apartments when they're all stuck together? Something to think about.] Joey: Okay, see that blind guy right there? I'm gonna bash his head in later. (His grandmother asks him something.) Joey: Oh umm, my big scene is coming up. Big scene coming up. Chandler: If you said, "Big lima bean, bubbling up." Would she understand the difference? Monica: (noticing Rachel crawling behind the couch) Rach? What are you doing? Rachel: Oh boy, I just can't watch. It's too scary! Monica: It's a diaper commercial. Rachel: Oh yeah well, you know me, babies, responsibilities, ahhh!!! (There's a knock on the door.) Caitlin: Pizza delivery! Ross: I'll get it! I will get that! (Runs over and opens the door.) Caitlin: Hi! Ross: Hi! Caitlin: One uh, vegetarian pizza. That's $12.15. Ross: Oh. Uh, by the way, if it makes you feel any better. I happen to like 8-year-old boys. Caitlin: What?! Ross: (I can't make it out.) The uh, your hair, before, your hair, you said you thought your looks like an 8-year-old's, and I'm just saying I like it. The hair. Caitlin: Oh. Thanks. Ross: You understand I don't actually like 8-year-old boys. Caitlin: Y'know, all I'm looking for is the money. Chandler: Here you go. (Hands her the money.) Now stop bringing us pizzas you. Caitlin: I'm gonna try. (Walks away and Ross closes the door.) Chandler: You're welcome. Ross: You couldn't let me have her, could ya?! Chandler: What? Ross: This is a girl that I really like and had too swoop in there! Monica: What's goin' on? Ross: Chandler was totally flirting with the hot delivery girl! Chandler: Thank you for that! (To Monica) I was not flirting. Monica: It's okay. I don't care. It's uh, it's fine. Ross: Really?! Chandler: Really?! Monica: It's no big deal, I do it all the time. Chandler: (starts to laugh, but then gets serious) So umm, you-you flirt with guys all the time? Monica: Sure! It doesn't mean anything! Just like I know it doesn't mean anything with you! Chandler: Okay, but there is a big difference. You are a lot hotter than I am. Joey: (walking past) True story! (Goes and sits down.) Monica: Chandler, this actually bothers you? Chandler: Yes, it does bother me! And I think it would bother a lot of people. Rachel, when you were going out with Ross, did it bother you when he flirted with other women? Rachel: Uhh, no, no, it bothered me when he slept with other women. Ross: And thank you, for that. Rachel: But y'know, I never really had anything to worry about. Ross was never very good at the flirting thing. Ross: What? (Mumbles) What-what, what are talking about? It-it worked with you. Rachel: Oh! Y'know what? You're right! We meet, you flirted and then bamn nine years later you had me! Ross: All right, all right. You-you-you know what I'm going to do? I am going to order another pizza and when Caitlin gets here, you-you--I will show how well I flirt. Yeah! I will, I will get her phone number! (To Chandler) And not the one on the menu! Phoebe: (entering from Rachel's bedroom) I found it! Rachel: Ohh! Thank God! Where was it? Phoebe: On your dresser. Rachel: Okay that is the one we already have! Joey: Okay, here's my big scene. My big scene's here! (They have two of the cops on the street, then they cut to where they're entering an apartment.) Oh my God. Monica: What? Joey: (smiling) Okay, everybody just keep smiling. It'll kill my grandmother if she finds out. Chandler: (smiling) Well, what is it? Joey: (smiling) Oh, they cut me out of the show. Rachel: (smiling) What?! Ross: (smiling) Are you sure? Phoebe: (smiling) Maybe your scene's coming up? Joey: (smiling) Not likely. 'Cause you see that body bag right there Rachel: (smiling) Yeah. Joey: (smiling) I'm in it. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, it's continued from before the commercial break.] Phoebe: (smiling) This is terrible, what are you going to do? Joey: (smiling) I don't know. This little, old lady lives for my career. When they dumped me off of Days of Our Lives she almost died. Phoebe: (not smiling) That's not good. Joey: (smiling) No, smile! Not that face, smile! Everybody smile! (They all smile.) Rachel: (smiling) Joey, why don't you just tell her what happened? It's not your fault. Chandler: (smiling) If we keep talking this way, aren't we gonna freak her out soon? Grandma Tribbiani: (Something in Italian to Joey.) Joey: Soon, soon, I'm gonna be on soon. There I am! (Points to the screen, of course it isn't him.) Grandma Tribbiani: (pointing at the screen) No! Sam Waterston! Joey: No-no-no, that-that's me, that's me. Grandma Tribbiani: No, it's Sam Waterston! Crimes and Misdemeanors, Capricorn One. Chandler: Doesn't know, "Hello." But she knows Capricorn One. (Phoebe gets up.) Monica: (following her) Phoebe! I have to have those earrings, we're going to leave as soon as the show is over. Phoebe: But I already gave them back to you! Monica: No you didn't. Phoebe: All right, I already didn't give them back to you, that's what I said. (Walks away over to Rachel.) Where is that other earring? Rachel: It's not here Pheebs, it's not here. Ohh, I went to Joey and Chandler's last night! Okay! (Goes to the door.) Phoebe: Make sure you check Chandler's jewelry box. Rachel: Wait a minute. Chandler has a jewelry box? Phoebe: Okay, we have like ten minutes. Do you want me to get into that now?! (Rachel heads for Joey and Chandler's and Phoebe heads for the kitchen to find Ross.) Ross: (To Phoebe) Hey Pheebs! How's that uh, vegetarian pizza working out for ya? You and those vegetables have a real thing going on, huh? Phoebe: (she just looks at him) Why are you being weird? Ross: Do you like it? Phoebe: No, that would be, "Why are you being cute?" Ross: Okay, I'm working on my flirting. Phoebe: Ohh! I did not get that. [Cut to Chandler and Monica on the couch.] Chandler: So uh Monica, do you, do you like the Law & Order? Monica: Yeah, it's good. Chandler: See, I'm finding out all this stuff about you today, like you like the Law & Order and that you flirted with every guy in the Tri-State area! Monica: Chandler! (Joey and his grandmother shush them and wave them away, which they do.) Okay, let me get this straight, it's okay for you to flirt, but not for me. Chandler: Oh, I'm so glad we cleared that up. Look, I'm sorry, some things are different for men and for women. Monica: Go on, teach me something about men and women. Chandler: Okay, I've already taught you so much already, but whatever. See when you flirt with a guy you think, "I'm just flirting, no big deal." But the guy is thinking, "Finally! Somebody who wants to sleep with me!" Monica: No way! Chandler: It's true. Monica: Well that's pathetic! Chandler: Again true. Monica: And this goes for all guys? Chandler: All guys that are awake. Then we go to sleep and then all the guys from the other end of the world wake up and behave the exact same way. Joey: (To Ross in the kitchen) All right, it's another commercial; I still haven't told her! Ross: Joey! This is like the last commercial. You've got like (checks his watch) ten minutes left! Joey: I know, I know! What am I going to do? (Thinks) Ooh! Monica: No! You are not gonna run out and leave her here! Joey: (dejected) Yeah, all right. (Thinks of something.) Ooh! (He quickly runs out before anyone can stop him.) Grandma Tribbiani: Joey! Chandler: Uh, Joey is gonna be right back. Right back! (Tries to pantomime it for her.) Meanwhile, let's-let's-let's talk about you. (Pause.) So, you're old and small. [SCENE_BREAK] [Time lapse, Rachel is coming back from Chandler and Joey's.] Rachel: (entering) (To Phoebe) (whispering) Hey! Phoebe: Did you find it? Rachel: The earring? No. But look, I found my sunglasses under the couch! I've been looking for these since like last summer. (Puts 'em on.) Phoebe: Okay, those are my sunglasses, you borrowed them from me. Rachel: Okay, calm down, here they are. (Gives back the sunglasses.) Monica: (entering from her room) Phoebe! (Motions for the earrings. Phoebe gives her the one-minute sign.) Phoebe: (To Rachel) What are we going to do?! Rachel: I don't know, I don't know. Phoebe: All right well, we're just gonna have to tell Monica, that's all. Rachel: Oh gosh, she's going to kill me. Phoebe: I suppose I could tell her it's just all my fault. Rachel: Ohh that'd be great! Phoebe: Mon, can I talk to you for a sec? Monica: Yeah, what is it? Phoebe: Umm, I lost one of your earrings. I'm sorry! I am so, so sorry! Monica: (shocked) Wow! All right well, I mean, what can you do? If you lost it you lost it. Phoebe: I will replace it, I promise. I feel so terrible. Monica: All right, sweetie that's fine. You didn't do it on purpose. Phoebe: No. Monica: Look at you! Come here! (They hug.) Feel better? Phoebe: Yeah! You're the best! Rachel: Okay, wait a minute. Wait a minute, I-I-I, I can't do this. Listen honey, this is, it's not Phoebe's fault. She lent me the earrings, and I lost it. I'm so sorry. Honey, I feel terrible too. (Holds out her arms for a hug.) Monica: (angrily) That is exactly why I do not lend you stuff!! (Rachel looks over at Phoebe in resignation.) Okay?! I mean, first it's my jewelry! And if it's not my jewelry, it's-it's my blue sweater! And if it's not my sweater, it's my sunglasses! Rachel: Your sunglasses?! Monica: Yes! Phoebe: Oh, right! (Hands Monica back her sunglasses.) Caitlin: (from outside) Pizza! Ross: (running to the door) Oh, mine! Mine! Mine! (to everyone) Okay, here goes. Prepare yourselves for some Class A flirting. Chandler: Okay, hold on. (Pauses as he readies himself.) Okay. (Walks away.) Rachel: Honey, you have nothing to prove. And if you really like this girl, I don't flirting is the right thing to... (Ross interrupts and shushes her.) Ross: You'll see. Okay. (Readies himself.) Oh, what's-what's her name? All: Caitlin! Grandma Tribbiani: Caitlin! Ross: (He opens the door while faking a laugh.) Hey! Oh, we-we can't keep eating like this. (Monica turns her head in shame.) Caitlin: It's uh, $12.50. Ross: Okay, (gets the money) so, do you make the pizzas in one of those uh, wood-burning ovens? Caitlin: No actually umm, I think that they're umm, gas. Ross: Gas? Wow! Intense. Chandler: (To Monica) If this is the way all the Gellers flirt, we don't have a problem. Ross: (to Caitlin) Hey uh, y'know that smell gas has? Caitlin: (wanting more than anything to get the money and leave this horrible, horrible place) Yeah. Ross: They put that in. Caitlin: What?! Ross: The gas is odorless, but they add the smell so you know when there's a leak. Caitlin: (getting more desperate to leave) Well okay! Ross: A lot of other gas smells... Chandler: Oh the humanity. Ross: Meth-methane smells... Caitlin: Y'know what umm, actually I, I really, I should go. Ross: Oh but I-I-I haven't paid you yet! Caitlin: Y'know what? That's okay, you guys have ordered so many that this one is on me! (Runs for her life.) (Ross closes the door slowly.) Ross: (To All) Was I talking to her about gas? Chandler: More so than anything else. Phoebe: I-I-I found it interesting. Rachel: I'm sorry. Ross: Look, no-no, hey, hey, don't worry about it! In nine years, she and I will be right there. (Goes and sits on the couch dejectedly.) Rachel: Okay, well, I'm gonna clear out some of these boxes. (She grabs a couple of the old pizza boxes and exits.) Phoebe: (walking over to Ross) Ross? Ross: Yeah? Phoebe: What else do they add smell too? [Scene: The street outside the building, Rachel is running to catch up with Caitlin.] Rachel: Hey! Hey! (Stops Caitlin) Hi! Hey-hey-hey, I'm Rachel! From upstairs? The ones with all the pizza? Caitlin: Oh, is there a problem? Rachel: No. No. Every thing's--they're fine. Great pizza. But it's uh, actually umm my friend Ross. He uh, just gets really nervous when he's flirting. Caitlin: Oh my God! That was flirting?! Rachel: Yeah. Caitlin: Wow! Rachel: I know, I know, but uh just, I'm telling you, once, once you get past that part, that where it-it just feels like you wanna die, he's-he's really a good person. Caitlin: The guy with the gas?! Rachel: Yeah. I'm-I'm telling you he's really sweet and he's really funny and he's just ugh, got a good heart. And besides, I y'know, I think he really likes you. Caitlin: Really?! Rachel: Well y'know, we have 7 people and like 10 pizzas, what do you think? Caitlin: I just, I thought Joey was there. [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe, Chandler, and Joey's grandmother are still watching Law & Order.] Rachel: (entering) Hey Ross? Umm, I just ran into Caitlin in the hallway and-and uh, you must be getting better at this flirting stuff than I thought. Ross: What do you mean? Rachel: Well, I don't get it, but she wanted me to give you her phone number. (Hands him the slip of paper with the phone number on it.) Ross: And she just gave you this? Rachel: Yeah! Ross: Rach, thanks but uh, I don't need you doing me any favors. Rachel: I-I-I didn't! I didn't! She thought you were cute. Ross: Well that I can believe. Rachel: Yay! Joey: (entering) Hey! Is the show still on? Chandler: Almost over man. Joey: (says hi to his grandma) Look! Oh! (Pointing out the window.) Is that the Pope?! (Chandler and his grandma turn to look and Joey slips a tape into the VCR.) Chandler: Why am I looking? Joey: Oh, here I am, here's my big scene! (Joey has made a little home movie that's his big scene. He braces himself against the door to his apartment and while holding a plastic gun and wearing the same sweater says...) Joey: (on the tape) All right back off! I gotta gun! I'm not afraid to use it! Grandma Tribbiani: Oh Joey! Joey: That's right! Chandler: You couldn't have at least changed your shirt. Joey: (on the tape) Now, I wanna a suitcase filled with 100,000 dollars. (The duck quacks, to the duck) Choo! Choo! Choo! (To the imaginary cops) Filled with $100,000 in small bills, and if I don't get it...(the duck quacks louder) Choo!! And if I don't get it, (pause, picks up the duck) I'm gonna shoot this duck! Phoebe: Oh no! Joey: (on the tape) I'm comin' out! (He opens the door and hops out pointing the gun in all directions and then runs out of view.) Ross: (To Phoebe) And she's supposed to buy this?! Grandma Tribbiani: Joey, bravo! (Starts with that Italian stuff again.) (Suddenly, the tape cuts away from Joey's impromptu scene, to Chandler standing really, really close to the camera.) Chandler: (singing) Ground control to Major Tom! Commencing countdown...engines...on! (Joey and Chandler both run to shut off the tape.) Joey: (to his grandmother) That's uh, scenes from next week's show. Next week's! Phoebe: I am definitely gonna watch that! Ending Credits [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, another time lapse, Monica is seeking advice from Rachel and Phoebe about possible replacement earrings.] Monica: What about these? These look the same? Phoebe: Definitely! Monica: Not as each other! Phoebe: Oh, then no. (Goes over to Chandler.) Chandler: (To Monica) Hey! Monica: Hi! Chandler: You ready? Monica: Yeah. Chandler: You look amazing. I'm the luckiest man in the world. Monica: Ohh, you're about to get a little luckier. Chandler: Let me see the earrings. Monica: Oh, honey, the earrings... Chandler: (looking at them) They look great! Does your boyfriend have the best taste or what? Monica: My boyfriend really does have good taste! (He turns to get his coat and Monica gives Rachel and Phoebe two thumbs up as Chandler walks over to Ross.) Chandler: (To Ross) Thanks for picking out the earrings man. Ross: Hm-mmm.

Rachel secretly helps out Ross after he botches flirting with the pizza delivery girl. Joey invites his grandmother over to watch his role on Law & Order - but when his part has been cut, he quickly improvises his own 2-minute role and sneaks in the video for everyone to watch. Monica asks Phoebe for a pair of earrings she loaned her, but Phoebe lent them to Rachel, who lost one.

fd_Heartland_07x08

fd_Heartland_07x08_0

[PREVIOUSLY_ON] What are you workin' on? Let me see! "I am a financial analyst, but I am also a mom 24-7... a sleep deprived, guilt-ridden mom." Yeah, I read your latest blog post. As soon as I put it up I got, like, 76 replies. I can't be bothered teaching some city girl how to sit on a horse. Lou: Everyone, Tricia. Jack: Hi, again. Tim: Tricia, is it? Tricia: Yeah. Tim: Tim Fleming. Tricia: Hi. I'm the father of the girls. I'll be teaching you to ride. Okay, boy, let's give this a try. (Horse whinnies and snorts) Hey! What's up? What's going on, bud? Look, there you go. All right, let's try the other one. Hey! What is your problem? Ty: Hey, how's it goin'? Amy: Not great. I'm trying to figure out what's going on with Caleb's barrel horse. Since when is Caleb into barrel racing? (Chuckles) He's not. He bought him off a gal who just retired. His name's Hotshot and he's gotta lot of miles and a lotta wins, but, so far, I don't know. Caleb's trying to flip him, make a good buck. So what's the problem? (Sighs) Well... every time I bring him up to a barrel, he just blows off the side and freaks out. I guess it's back to square one. Someone's gonna have to take him around the pattern again and again until he gets the hang of it. And you're that someone? Well, actually, now that you're here, maybe you could try? Amy, I just pulled an all-nighter at the clinic. You know that, right? Ty, come on, please? It would just really help me if I could see how he performs for someone else. All right, all right. Where's Caleb anyways? Why isn't he here helping ya? Amy: Well, he's in town... working. Ty: For Nicole? (Overlapping chatter, music playing) Saleswoman: We make them ourselves and we're selling... Woman: Hi! Caleb: Well, that was real good. Why don't you hop down off of there, champ? Oh, look at you! All right, buckaroos, who's next for a ride on a real, live, workin' cow pony? Boy: It's me! Caleb: Let's do it. Let's jump on up. (Grunts) Yeah, all right! (Chuckles) (Insects buzz, fishing line whips) Jack: Oh, not bad, not bad. Okay, let one go! (Fishing line whirs) Pretty darn good for a first time! Here, let me give ya a hand. Ooh, not too far now! Georgie: So when do we get to go up to your cabin to catch some real fish? Jack: Well, how about soon as you get back from Banff? Georgie: (Sighs) I wish I didn't have to go. I just don't get it. We already live in the country and I see the mountains every day. Jack: Come on now, that's beautiful scenery, you get enough of that. It's a nice family vacation. You'll probably see some elk, mountain goats, maybe even a bear or two. Georgie: It sounds okay, I guess. You know, seeing the bear part, but... it's just... I'd rather be fishing. Jack: Well, spoken like a true fisherman! (Chuckling, fishing line whips) Georgie: Impressive! Jack: Thank you. Tricia: So how am I doing? I think I'm pretty good, huh? Tim: Well, you're a little tight on the reins still. You're pulling on his mouth. You know, they have sensitive mouths. And you don't need to kick him, just give him a little squeeze. Tricia: Okay, cowboy, everything else? Well, I'd say C-plus, doctor. I made it through med school, Tim. I'm used to straight A's. (Chuckles) Cheeky. Oh, this is beautiful! Yeah. You think this is nice, you oughta see the fishing cabin. You have a fishing cabin? Few hours north in the mountains. You never told me that. River's full of rainbow, browns, got a mountain view. It's kind of a family secret. Oh, it sounds wonderful! You know, I've always wanted to learn how to fly fish. Really? Yeah. If you're ever heading out there and you feel like giving me some fishing lessons, I'd be happy to tag along. Well, you check your schedule, I'll check my schedule, next time we run into each other we'll, uh, make a plan. How about tomorrow? Well, I gotta check a few things, you know, clear the decks, but, uh, yeah, tomorrow... Tomorrow'll be good. Okay. So you got juice boxes, rice cakes? Peter: I've got more healthy treats than anyone could possibly eat between here and Banff. Lou: It's not just the drive, we've got a whole two days there. Peter: Yeah, you know, I heard they actually have stores there, so we should be okay. Lou: We don't want to spend our time shopping, we want to spend our time (Cell phone rings) having the best family vacation ever! Peter: Yes. Oh, hold on. (Beeps phone on) That's work, I gotta take this. Lou: Oh, come on. Katie: Mama... Peter: (Into phone) Hey, buddy, what's up? (To Lou) Thanks. Yeah, I know. We're headin' up to Banff, just me, Lou, and the kids. Three days and two nights. It's gonna be great. No, no, no, what do you mean change of plans? I can't, man, I... (Sighs) Lou's got her heart set on it, that's why, I... Okay, what kind of sweetener? (Overlapping chatter, music playing) Woman: Great! What are you gonna get? Saleswoman: Hi. Woman: Sir, how much? Saleswoman: Would you like this? Woman 2: So how would I wash this? Man sings on radio: * oh yeah! Come and see! Look at my shining sun! * (Belt clanks down) Girl: Hey, mom, can I get one of these? Man sings on radio: * oh, yeah, everyone, look at my shining son! * Nicole: What do you think? Should I get it? Do I like this? Nicole: Excuse me! Hey! Hey, stop! Hey! Hey you! Bring that back! Caleb: Sorry, kid, ride's over! (Tires screech) Don't worry, I got this! Hyah! Hyah! (Hooves clop) Hyah! Hyah! (Hooves clop) (Clucks tongue) Hyah! Let's go! (Hooves clop) Whoa. Hyah! Come on! (Hooves thunder) (Thief pants, belt clinks) (Belt clinks) (Belt clinks) And at the break of day you sank into your dream you dreamer oh, oh, oh... You dreamer You dreamer Lou: So what was all that about? Peter: Uh... that was, uh, work, to be honest, and there's gonna be a little change of plan this weekend. Change of plans? Peter: Yeah. Um, remember Mike Dermay? His wife went into labour a month early. Oh! Peter: Yeah, which means, with him out of commission, they're gonna have to send someone else to the Alberta Oil & Gas Product & Process Development managers conference. Oh? Peter: And guess what, apparently I'm the perfect candidate. Oh. So an oil guys' conference. Let me guess: You'll be working the entire time we're in Banff? Well, uh, that's just it. Actually, um... the conference is not in Banff. It's actually in Fort McMurray. I know, I know, it sounds horrible, but, um, there is a sweetener. Okay, I'll bite. What's the sweetener? They want you to give the talk to the Petroleum Wives Club. What? I'm pretty sure it's the only reason they're asking me to go, sweetheart. Honestly, I mean, product and process development? It's not even my department, so it's because of your blog. Really?! Like did they say that? Yeah. And, you know, I know that we've been looking forward to Banff for a really long time, and I can get out of it, but I just... Uh, no, no, no, I... we should go. It's your job and your responsibility and it would be my first public speaking engagement. Okay, well, so we're settled then, right? Oh, how are we gonna tell Georgie? (Inhales sharply) (Sighs) Ty: Come on, boy, come on. Amy: See what the problem is? Ty: Yeah, he's fighting me every inch of the way. You want to help me out and hold him for a second? I just want to check his teeth. Amy: Yeah, sure. (Horse huffs and snorts) Easy, bud, easy. Hey. Amy: You know, I don't think it's his teeth though. I really think it's his attitude. (Truck rumbles up and shuts off) Come here, buddy. Ty: Well, if they haven't been done recently, the bit might be hurting him. They seem okay to me. Amy: Hmm. How about you hop on him and just walk him around, let him chill? Ty: All right. Tim: Hey! Amy: Hey, dad, what's up? Tim: Oh, you know, just dropped by to see how you're doing. I'm good. I'm busy. Good! Well, there's Jack's truck, huh? Last time I was here, he said was gonna go fly fishing with Georgie up at the cabin. Uh, they were, but now Georgie's going up to Banff with Lou and Peter. So the cabin's empty... as usual. Yeah. Why the sudden interest? Hey, uh, is he taking up barrel racing or... ? Are you taking up barrel racing? (Chuckles) So we're not going to Banff? Peter: No, and we know that it's a huge disappointment to you, honey, but things change all the time in the oil business and we have to learn to be flexible, okay? Lou: And when we do go to Banff, we want to go as a family. So no elk, no bears, no hiking up mountains? No, not for now... not this weekend... but we promise we are gonna go another time, okay? Peter: And, hey, you know what? It's actually peak tourist season right now anyway, so it'll be way more fun if we wait a few weeks. Lou: Yeah. Do you think maybe, while you're gone, Jack could take me fishing or something, just so that I'm not so disappointed? Lou: Yes, that is a great idea. You know, I'm sure grampa would be happy to take you, especially if you ask him nicely. Okay, I'll see what he says. Jack! Jack! Guess what! We're not going to Banff! That went well. Yeah. The Petroleum Wives Club? Wait, you're kidding me. Is this the 1950s? I know, it sounds a little old fashioned, but, I mean, look at the activities. Mindfulness, pilates, wine tasting... Rock climbing, yoga... And talkin' babies, which is where I come in. So you're really going? Peter and I fly out to Fort McMurray first thing in the morning. Okay, and what about Georgie? Grampa's taking her to the fishing cabin. And Katie? Lou, no. I have work piling up around the ranch! I can't spend my whole weekend babysitting! So get Ty to help you out. Come on, Amy, think of it like a trial run. Parenting 101. Now you're really sounding like a petroleum wife. Come on, Amy, don't be like that. It's probably gonna be so much fun. (Sighs) Lou: (Car starts up) Don't worry, Kitty Kat, mommy's gonna be back soon, okay? Peter: Yeah, daddy too, okay? Bye! Lou: Bye, sweetheart, have fun with grandpa! Georgie: I'm sure I will. Lou: Okay, bye! Amy: Bye, guys. Lou: Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait! Back up, back up, back up! Amy, don't forget Katie is off granola. It has to be oatmeal with a teaspoon of maple syrup. Amy: Okay, Lou. Lou: Okay. Oh, and no matter what she says, two stories and lights out! Amy: Okay! Lou: Okay, bye! Peter: Okay. Lou: Okay. Bye! Lou: Oh, oh, and no ice cream before bed! Bye! Georgie: Say bye to mommy and daddy! Bye! All right, Jack, let's go fishin'! What are you waiting for? Jack: Well, breakfast for starters. You don't want to scare the fish away with a grumbling stomach. Amy: (Chuckling) Come on, you two. Georgie: Alrighty! Amy: Come on, Katie, let's go! Georgie: (Laughs) (Truck rumbles) Tim: Better late than never. Tricia: Yeah, Tim, I'm sorry, there's been a complication. Jade: I'm not a complication, mom, I'm a human being! (Quietly) Did she say mom? Tricia: Yeah, that's the complication. My daughter, Jade, she just... she turned up unexpectedly. Jade: And tell your cowboy friend that I'm not going fishing! You can't make me! If this isn't the best time... No, she's just testing boundaries. If I caved every time she gave me lip, where would I be? Jade: Back in Toronto and not hooking up with some lame Roy Rogers wannabe! Tricia: Okay, come on, Jade, please! Would you just... just get out of there? You get into his truck, or I'm calling your father and sending you back! May I speak with her? Hello. Jade, is it? I'm Tim. (Quietly menacing) Get in my truck... now! Jade: Okay, okay! Don't stroke out, Roy! (Truck door slams shut) Tim: Here we go... limits set, boundaries established. I've always been very good with children. So times wasting, what are we waitin' for? I'll get the bags. Amy: Say goodbye to Georgie! Bye, Georgie! Bye, grampa! Katie: (Whimpers) Amy: Well, Katie, what do you say? You want to go back to the house? Katie: Mmm-hmm. Amy: Yeah? Katie: No. Amy: No? Well, what do you wanna do? Go back to the house just like I said. I guess you just don't want to be told what do, huh? Maybe you're not the only one. (Dialing phone) Ty, hey, can you come over right now? Yeah, thanks. Okay. Lou: Remember that post I did on child psychology? Maybe I could start with that. Peter: Yeah, it might feel a little too much like school, but... Okay, what about the post on our stay-cation at the dude ranch? Peter: Mmm. A little personal, I think. (Elevator chimes) I do work with these guys, you know? Lou: Okay, not too personal, not too serious... What are you smiling at? Peter: Nothin'. It's just been a long time since we've been anywhere without the kids, that's all. Lou: I know. I miss them already. Peter: Yeah, but nothing wrong with a little alone time. (Clicks elevator button) Lou: Oh, I get it... alone, like you and me alone. Amy: Katie, here's Ty! Let's go see him! Let's go see Uncle Ty, huh? Hey. Ty: Okay, this better be good. Amy: It is. I think I've figured out what's going on with Hotshot. You know, it's not the barrels or his teeth or anything like that. He just has a mind of his own! He doesn't want me telling him what to do! Ty: Okay, so what's your next move? Amy: Well, I need you to look after Katie. Ty: You called me all the way out here to babysit? Amy: Come on, Ty, just think of it as practice. You know, parenting 101. I'm gonna go work with Hotshot! Ty: (Sighs) Katie: (Babbles) Lou: We are oil wives, bound to the oil industry till death do us part. Few women: (Chuckle) I don't know about you, but I never thought things would turn out this way. In fact, when I first met my husband I was sort of protesting his seismic testing site. (Nervous laugh) Women: (Laugh) Oh my! Lou: But, uh, luckily we were able to get past our differences and I fell in love. Woman: Aw. Lou: I realized he was one of the good guys. Not that it's easy for an oil guy to be a good guy, at least not to his wife. You all know what I'm talking about, right? Crazy schedules, ridiculous hours and deadlines, all that stress and fatigue... it doesn't exactly set the mood for romance, does it? Women: (Laugh) All right, Hotshot, you ready to have some fun? Come on! (Clucks tongue) (Hotshot snorts) There he goes! See that, Katie? Amy: (Clucks tongue) Come on! Look at him! He knows the pattern! He just doesn't want to be told! Katie: (Giggles) Ty: Oh, he's picking up speed! (Laughs) Nice work! Amy: (Laughing) Lou: Don't get me wrong, I love my husband, and although I may not love everything about the oil industry... Peter: Uh, I'll catch up with you guys. Lou: ... I respect the need for it. Because, I mean, it can be tough on our husbands, don't you think, always being dubbed the bad guy? 'Cause it's one thing if you do something obviously good, like being a doctor, a teacher, a firefighter, a yoga instructor. Women: (Laugh) Lou: But when you're an oil guy, it's like you're personally responsible for the destruction of life on earth as we know it. Women: (Laugh) Lou: And I mean, let's face it, you can only be in denial about the whole toxic emissions and global warming thing for so long, right? But, in my experience, when an oil guy gets past that denial stage and actually starts facing these big oil issues head on, they can quickly move from being part of the problem to being part of the solution. So, I mean, maybe the oil industry is a little like a marriage. First you admit there's a problem, right? And then, you know, maybe show a little love, spend a little money, take your wife on an all-expenses-paid vacation to Fort McMurray? Women: (Laugh) Something's wrong with that picture. (Truck rumbles) Jack: Okay, here we are! Awesome! (Door slams shut) Come on, Jack, hurry up! This is perfect! Jack: (Chuckles) Yeah. I bet we'll catch lots of fish! Jack? Jack: Yeah? Georgie: Is someone already here? Jack: What do you mean? Well, the door's open and there's a bag on the porch. (Bag thumps) You stay there! Who are you and what are you doin' here? What am I doing here? What are you doing here? I'm Jack Bartlett. This is my fishing cabin. Now it's your turn and you better make it good! I'm Jade. Jade Virani. I'm here with my mom. Virani? Doctor Virani? Well, where's she? Jade: She's fishing with her stupid new boyfriend! Jack: Boyfriend? Jade: Yeah, Tony... Tom... Jack: Tim? Jade: Yeah, that's it. Jack: Both of you, you stay put! What are you lookin' at? Ty: (Quietly) Nothing beats a midday nap. That's right, Katie. (Exaggerated yawn) We're all going to sleep now, just closing our eyes... (Door squeaks shut) (Whispering) Finally. Amy? I'm in here. Hey, where are you going? I'm gonna go work with Hotshot some more. (Whispering) We just got Katie to sleep. We got the whole place to ourselves. Okay... I think your priorities are a little out of whack? What do you want to do? - Well... Katie: Ty! I think you should probably go check on her. Why don't you go check on her this time? Katie: Ty! No, she really wants you, and I've got work to do, okay? Okay. Hey, thank you. Katie: Ty! Ty: All right, Katie, here I come! (Light tap) Tim: Okay, it's all about rhythm. Just take it back... Tricia: Okay... Tim: Wait, then take it through... (Fishing line whips) Not bad, not bad. Jade: What are you guys even doing out here? Georgie: You know, fishing. Jade: Fishing with your grandfather? Kill me now! Man, I can't believe I'm stuck out here! No TV, no Internet, no nothing! Georgie: Well, Jack said there was some board games in the cabin. Jade: Board games? I'm bored enough as it is. The last thing I need is board games! (Fishing line whips) Tim: That's perfect! Tricia: Woo! Tim: And that's right where the big fish are, so you hang onto that. I'm gonna get my rod. Tricia: (Laughing) Tim: Lookin' good! Tricia: The thing that worries me is what happens if I catch a fish? Tim: (Laughing) Jack: The way he's teaching you to cast, that's the least of your worries. Tricia: Jack! I didn't expect to see you here! Why not? It's my cabin. Tricia: Oh, I thought this was your place? I'd, I'd heard that Georgie was going up to Banff, so I just assumed... Jack: Well, you assumed wrong and she's been countin' on this trip! Yeah, well, it's a big river, Jack. It's not big enough! Tricia: Okay, Jack, look, this is all my fault. I pressured Tim into it. (Quietly to Tim) I think we should go. Tim: Yeah, okay, fine. Yeah, we'll go. You can have the river all to yourself. Make you happy? Jack, I'm sorry about this. No, I... really I am. (Sighs) Lisa: (Laughter echoes) I didn't know fishing was a team sport. Jack: Me neither. (Gasps) Stick it in, follow the line down with the tip of your rod... You just caught yourself a fish! Lisa: Oh really?! Did I?! Jack: (Laughing) Yes, you did! Lisa: Ahh! (Laughs) Jack in past: Okay, there you go! (Sighs) Did you guys even bring anything to eat? Georgie: Well, there's some stuff in the back of truck... a cooler, drinks. Jade: All right. Ah, life in the boonies! Gramps left his keys in the ignition! (Truck starts up) Hey! What are you doing?! Going for a ride. You wanna come? No! You can't! Jack would never let you! Give me the keys! Jade: I thought you didn't wanna come. Georgie: I don't! (Tires spin) Georgie: Hey! Stop! Stop! Jade: Hold on! (Truck roars) Tim: Well, maybe when we get back to town, we can go out for a bite. That way the day won't be a total write off. Jack: Tim! Tricia! Tricia: How bout fish and chips? Tim: Oh, that's funny. Jack: Hold up there! Hold up! You know, I've been thinking and you're right; it is a big river, there's plenty of room for everybody. So, Georgie and I, we'll just... Where are those kids? And where is my truck?! Georgie! Tricia: Oh my God, Jade! (Truck roars and thumps) Georgie: Don't! Stop! (Tires slide and screech) No! Jack: Georgie! Tricia: She sorta... she sometimes... she does things like this! Jack: Give me your keys! I'll see if I can track 'em down! Tim: Okay, good idea. (Keys clink) We'll wait here in case they come back! Jack: Okay! Georgie: Please! Stop! (Truck roars and skids) Tim: Just take it easy on the gravel, Jack! It's a very powerful truck! Nicole: Hey, uh, Caleb, if you wanna take off, I don't mind. Caleb: Are you sure? 'Cause, I mean, I really don't mind sticking around. Nicole: No, no, it's okay, really. I mean... But thank you for everything, it's uh... It was great having you here. So I hope you don't mind if I can pay you in cash? What are you talking about paying me? Come on, Caleb, I wasn't gonna have you work for nothing. You think I did this for the money, Nicole? You think I'm that hard up? Okay, look, no. Sorry, I just... I feel bad about taking advantage of you like this. And I feel bad taking your money. I'm a professional rodeo cowboy. I got a drawer full of buckles, a sweet set of wheels. On a good day, I make a whole lot more than you got there. Nah, you just forget it. Hey! Caleb, wait! [SCENE_BREAK] Tricia: I guess you must be wondering why I never told anyone about Jade? Tim: Well, I guess you had your reasons. I wasn't exactly straight up with you when I said this was my fishing cabin. It's not. It's Jack's fishing cabin. Tricia: Yeah, well, I didn't expect her to show up so soon. I guess my husband had enough and the next thing I knew there was a knock on my door. Wait a second, back up. You have a husband too? Ex-husband. My marriage ended a few months back. Actually, it was over long before that. It was my fault. I was... I was never home, I was always working. I slept at the hospital, ate at the hospital... You ate at the hospital? You must have been desperate. (Chuckles) Yeah, well, my marriage wasn't the only casualty. I mean, Jadie was always a difficult child. It got worse after the divorce. Tim: It always does. Trust me, I know all about it. Tricia: I guess I thought I could leave it all behind by moving out here. (Emotional inhale) (Tearful laugh) Must run in the family. Jade, I mean, what, she's only been here a day and already she's trying to get away? (Tearful exhale) Catch it! (Giggles) Good job! (Grunts) Okay, Amy, I think we need to slow down now. Katie: (Giggles) Amy: No, I think we should just let her wear herself out until she wants to go to bed. Ty: I don't think she's wearing herself out. I think she's winding herself up and she's never gonna sleep if she keeps going. Katie: (Giggles) Okay, how about this? You keep an eye on her, and I'll go do night check on the horses. Wait a second. What? You see what you just did there? No. Every time you get tired or bored, you think of something else you can be doing and you hand Katie off to me expecting me to deal with her. Is this gonna work when we have kids? We'll figure something out. I'm sure we will, but I know I'm gonna be a vet and I might not be able to pick up the slack when you feel like walking away. Amy: Ty, it's not like that. All right. How about we change things up a bit? I'll go check on the horses, you watch Katie. No, that's not fair! You're doing it right now, Amy. (Sighs) Oh... Ty... Katie: (Giggles) Okay, Katie, bedtime? Katie: (Whines) Amy: You're sleepy. Ty: Hey, Amy! Come check this out! I knew you wouldn't ditch me. Ty: What he's doing? Doing what he does. His job. Georgie: Please, stop! You don't even know how to drive! Jade: (Truck revs) I've been driving for years! Grand Theft Auto, Toxic Taxi, Gran Turismo... Georgie: Those are all video games! Jade: So?! The basic principle's still the same! Georgie: No, it isn't! (Elevator chimes) Peter: Lou! Lou: Oh, hey! How'd the talk go? It went okay. Mmm-hmm. Just okay? Well, maybe a little better than okay. They seemed to like the part about oil guys being in denial though, huh? Okay, I didn't know you were listening. I was just passing by in the corridor. Well, you know, I can't talk about being married to an oil guy without taking a couple jabs at the industry. What? Why not? Ho... Why not, Lou?! We're in Fort McMurray, in a hotel full of people I work with... people I work for! Yeah, great time to diss the oil industry! I did not diss anything! I raised some interesting talking points and the discussion afterwards was very positive! If... You know what? They invited me here 'cause they thought you were gonna tell some funny stories about babies! That's what you really think my blog is about, don't you? You know what? If you want to post stories about our life on the Internet that's fine, okay? But when you put me down in front of my colleagues? They weren't your colleagues, they were your colleagues' wives! This is not a joke, Lou! This is my job! Oh, trust me, I know! What is that supposed to mean? It means ever since we met, it has been work first, life second! Wow, I can't believe you're saying that. You know, I go to work so I can support this family! Oh, so now we're talking about money?! Well, we aren't talking about babies, are we? You know what? Don't you dare say one... (elevator hums and rumbles, thumps loudly) Lou: What happened? Peter: Blew a fuse or something. That's great. (Truck roars and skids) Georgie: Stop the truck! You're going off the road! (Loud thump) Look out! (Truck roars and skids, Georgie screams) (Truck grinds to a halt) (Engine hisses) Georgie: (Exhales tensely) Jade: You okay? What do you think? Jade: Well, that was fun... while it lasted. Are you kidding me? Fun?! Jack is going to kill you! That would make my mom really freak out. What? Well, you know, she's always busy. You know, she's always got better things to do. And I wouldn't even be here, if my dad's new girlfriend wasn't so unbearable! So what happened? I fly halfway across the country and she won't even change her plans! You know what? I'm outta here. Georgie: Where are you going? Jade: Anywhere! Anywhere's better than here! Georgie: Well, you can't just leave! We have to go back! Trust me, when stuff like this happens, leaving is the only way to go! (Sighs heavily) Peter: This is getting ridiculous. Lou: (Sighs) Oh really? You think so? Peter: What are you doing? Lou: I'm looking for the intercom. Hello? Hello? Front desk guy: Front desk, how can I help you? Lou: Can you help us? We are stuck in your damn elevator! You can turn on the lights and get us outta here! Front desk guy: Please calm down, ma'am. You're not in any immediate danger. Our maintenance staff are already on scene to assess the problem. Peter: Oh, yeah, that's great. When do you think that'll be? Front desk guy: Based on last week, it shouldn't be more than two or three hours. May I have your name please, sir? Peter: Yeah, it's Peter Morris. I'm in room seven sixteen. Front desk guy: Well, good news, Mr. Morris, I see your room is already taken care of, so how about we comp you a breakfast buffet for two? Peter: Oh, fantastic! You think we'll be outta here by then? Front desk guy: I'm sorry, is that a joke, Mr. Morris? Peter: (Sighs heavily) Do you believe this guy? We're stuck in an elevator and he's offering us a breakfast buffet? Lou: Actually, I heard the breakfast buffet's is quite good. (Truck rumbles) Georgie: Jack! Jack: What the heck is going on here?! I am so sorry! That girl, Jade, she saw your keys and I didn't know what to do! That's okay, it's okay. I'm just glad I found you. You're not hurt, are ya? Okay. So where is she and how did my truck end up in the ditch? Georgie: I don't know, she was going too fast! I should never have gotten in the truck! Well, yeah, that is for sure, but at least you're safe. But I let her do it and that means it's my fault! Jade: Okay, come on, let's get real, this was completely my fault. She had nothing to do with it, and when you see my mom make sure you tell her that. Georgie, get in the truck. This one and I need to have a chat. Look, I'm sorry about borrowing your truck. Borrowing? Is that what you call it? And taking Georgie with ya? What's going on in your head?! I didn't... I... I don't know. What, that's the best you got? Well, you got a better theory?! You'd do just about anything to get under your mother's skin! Wow! You got it first try! Well, guess what? It works every time. So look, again, I'm sorry about your truck. Sorry? I've been hearin' that a lot. Well, you're gonna apologize your way through life?! No! I don't know, I guess not. What else do I say? Well, it ain't the sayin' that counts, it's the doin' and you keep doin' stuff like this, pretty soon people won't give a damn how sorry you say you are! What is this? Some sort of backwoods teaching moment?! You call it whatever you want! And we're not done, so you get in the truck now! (Door slams shut) (Cell phone beeps) Okay, maybe you're right. I got a little carried away. (Cell phone beeps) And I overreacted a little bit. But, honey, if you had heard the rest of my speech, you would know it wasn't really about you at all. Peter: Oh, I know, I know, I just... you know, I got mad and I just said the first thing that came into mind. Kinda like me and my speech. Yeah, except that when... you say the first thing that comes into your mind, it's... You're a very intelligent woman, Lou, and although I may not always like what you say, I do like the way you say it. You know, and you being incredibly hot does not exactly leave me cold. Mr. Morris, that sounds like a come on line. (Whispering) Ah, guess what, it is. Really? What do you think you're doing? Hmm... hmm? What? Peter: We got a couple hours, let's make the most of our alone time. Lou: (Chuckles) (Cell phone clatters) (Horse whinnies on video, gate clanks open) (Horse whinnies on video) Announcer on video: Lookin' real good! A solid run! Caleb Odell! Goin' the eight seconds right there! And that's him down! The judges say 78 points for Caleb Odell! (Truck rumbles) Tricia: Oh, thank God! Jade: Hi, mom. Roy. Catch any fish? How you doin', kid? Everything okay? Georgie: Yeah, I'm okay. Tricia: What were you thinking, huh?! You are in big trouble, young lady! I'm really sorry, mom. No, I'm not sorry, actually, I... I'm gonna stop staying that. I just, I don't know, I guess... I'll try harder, mom. Oh baby, I was so worried! Tim: So it's all good except what happened to your truck? Jack: Well, it's in a ditch five miles up, so I'm gonna need a tow. (Keys clink) Tim: Okay. Jade: It was a really dumb thing to do. Tim: What do you say, girls? I'm gonna help Jack get his truck outta the ditch and then we'll hit the road, get back in town in time for me to take you up on that dinner you promised me. That'd be great. We won't overstay our welcome. Can I drive? Amy: All right, Hotshot, why don't you just take me for a nice walk, huh? Ty: All right, no pressure. Let's see what he can do. Amy: Good boy. (Laughs) Good boy! Look at that! He'd doing it all on his own! He doesn't need me to tell him what to do! Amy and Ty: (Laughing) (Laughing) You're such a good boy! You just want to do that all on your own! Amy and Ty: (Laughing) All right, now he knows his job, how about you? It's still your turn to put Katie to bed. Okay. Okay, Katie, time for bed. Katie: (Unhappy whimper) Amy: (Laughing) Front desk guy: Mr. Morris? Good news, sir, problem solved. We should have things moving any moment now. Lou: What?! Peter: Uh, that's perfect! Fantastic! Thank you! Front desk guy: Have a good day! Lou: That was not two or three hours! It wasn't even close! Peter: (Laughing) I know! What do you want me to do? Lou: Honey! (Lights buzz, elevator clanks) Oh, we are moving down! We're going... we're going down! Peter: I know! (Laughing) Lou: It's not funny! Peter: It's okay! Calm down! (Elevator chimes) Women: (Chatting) Peter: (Chuckles) Sorry, ladies, you're gonna have to take the next car. Women: (Giggling) (Elevator button clicks) Peter: There we go. Women: (Giggling) (Birds chirping) Lisa: The mystery of Jack Bartlett unfolding before my very eyes. Jack: (Chuckling) Oh, I'm no mystery really. I've never been on an all-inclusive vacation and you couldn't pay me to get on a cruise ship. Can I say the rest? Sure. (Clears throat) You like horses, sometimes more than the people that ride them. (Laughs) Georgie: Jack?! Jack?! (Door clatters open) What are you doing?! Why didn't you wake me up? Let's get fishing! Nope. Just like I told you yesterday, breakfast first! Your grumblin' stomach... Will scare the fish away. That's right. (Door clatters open) (Door bangs shut) Amy: Here they are, Katie! (Suv rumbles up and stops) Lou: Is that my big girl?! Is that my big girl?! Come here! Come here! Oh, I missed you so much! Oh! Oh! Look at you! You got bigger! Peter: Hi, pumpkin! Lou: So you two, how was it? Ty: Great, yeah. It was never a dull moment. Amy: Yeah, she was perfect. Amazing how little sleep she needs. Ty: How was fort Mac? Lou: It was much better than expected. Peter: Yeah, they even comped us a breakfast buffet. Lou: Were you good? Were you good? Peter: Yes, of course you were. Jade: Excuse me? You. Don't worry, I'm not here to cause any trouble or anything. So what are you doing here? I know you saw me take this the other day and... I know it was really stupid. I don't know what I was thinking. Anyway, I can pay for it, or you can let it go, or you can call the cops, whatever you want. I don't really care. Just don't let it happen again. Okay, just don't expect too much! I switched out his tack, got rid of the bridle, and I'm gonna ride him in a halter, but I still haven't gone at any speed yet. Caleb: Okay, enough with the excuses! Let's just see what you got! Amy: All right! Ty: Yeah, come on, Amy, you can do it! (Hooves thunder) Yeah, come on, Amy! Caleb: (Laughing) Ty: Wow! Look at that! (Dirt swishes, hooves thunder) Come on! [i]Caleb: Pedal to the metal! Hey, he's got some speed! (Hooves thunder) All right, bring her home! Come on, come on! Ty: All right! Way to go, Amy! Caleb: That a girl! Well done! Georgie: Jack! Jack, I think I got something! (Fishing rod whirs) Jack: Oh! Oh, I think you do! Okay, hold that line like I showed you now! Right there. Yeah, good girl! Okay, here we go, I got the line. You reel it in just a little bit now. Keep some tension on him! I think he's a big one! Georgie: Okay, okay. Georgie: He's really pulling! Jack: Easy now. Georgie: Can you see him? Jack: Look at that! He's a beaut! Georgie: How big is he?! Jack: He must be six pounds! Announcer: Next Sunday, on an all-new Heartland... If you're not up for the job, I know somebody who might be. Won't have much time for other clients. It looks like even the miracle girl can have an off-day. Announcer: Heartland, next Sunday at 7:00 on CBC.

Lou is determined to have a perfect family vacation, but it doesn't go as planned when Peter's job interferes. Lou and Peter go away for his job. Meanwhile, Jack and Georgie visit the fishing cabin to find Tim and his new 'friend' and her trouble making daughter staying there. Amy and Ty babysit Katie back at the ranch.

fd_The_4400_02x02

fd_The_4400_02x02_0

L'heure du R veil (2x01 et 2x02: Wake Up Call) **Previously On The 4400** Flashbacks to season one Six Months Later Richard is running through some woodland. The sound of a baby can be heard in the background. Richard: Isabelle! Isabelle! A loud scream is heard, followed by a gunshot. Richard see's blood on his hands and begins to scream. He suddenly wakes up and sits up in bed, waking Lily. Lily: What is it baby? It's a bad dream. Richard: It's the same one. She puts her arms around him Lily: She's fine Richard. We're all fine. Come back to bed. They hear footsteps outside. Lily: It's just a racoon Richard get's out of bed and picks up a stick. Opening the door he looks around and see's the taillights of a car. He returns inside and closes the door. Lily: Who was it? Richard: They took off before I could ask. Lily: They left something behind. A note has been pushed under the door. On the top in large red letters, are the words 'YOU ARE WARNED' The rest of the piece of paper is fulled with passages from the bible. Lily: Someone tracked us down. Richard: Who? NTAC? Collier? This look like their calling card, to you? Lily: I don't know who it is, but someone knows we're 4400's. Richard: Start packing. I'll drive into town tomorrow, pick up my last paycheck and then we're out of here. Lily: Can't we just go now? Richard: We're gonna need that money, Lily. A car pulls up outside the 4400 centre. Devon comes out to meet it. Devon: Mr and Mrs Sumlin. Peter? If you'll follow me. They enter the lobby, which is in the middle of being decorated. Devon: Forgive our appearance. As you know, the centre doesn't officially open until tomorrow. Mrs Sumlin: Peter doesn't have time to wait. Collier appears. Collier: That's where you're wrong Mrs Sumlin. Peter has all the time in the world. He bends down to look the young boy in the eye. The boy is connected to an oxygen tube. Collier: Hi Peter. My name is Jordan Collier. They step out of an elevator. Collier: Just this way. Our medical lab isn't quite ready, so we thought Peter would be more comfortable up here. They enter Shawns room. Shawn: Hello Peter. I'm Shawn. What do you say we get started. Yeah? The little boy nods and the two of them sit opposite each other. Shawn: Ok buddy, I want you to take my hands and try to relax, ok? Peter begins to shake. Shawn: You're ok. You're doing good. You're doing so good. It's ok. Mrs Sumlin: Oh my God, is he ok? Collier: He's fine. Just watch. Shawn continues to hold the boys hands. Shawn: You're doing fine. You're ok. You're ok. Peter suddenly stops shaking and his mother kneels on the floor beside him Mrs Sumlin: Peter? How do you feel honey? Mr Sumlin: How are you doing son? Peter rips the oxygen tube from his face. He takes some breaths without it and smiles. Later the Sumlins hand Collier a cheque. Collier: Thankyou for your generous donation. Mr Sumlin: We tried everything. Radiation. Bone marrow transplants. Is he really cured? Collier: Take him back to his Doctor. Run some tests. Peter's leukaemia is gone. Mrs Sumlin: This is a miracle. Collier: For now it has to remain a private miracle. May I remind you that the confidentiality agreement you have signed, is strictly binding. Mrs Sumlin: But people should know about that young man. Collier: And they will. In time, they'll know everything. Diana and Maia walk hand in hand up to a court building. Diana: Are you nervous? Maia: Aren't you? Diana: No, not at all.....Well maybe a little bit. Ok, a lot. Now you really wanna do this right? Maia: Right. Diana: Ok, let's go. Inside the Judge's office. Judge Biederman: Says here she registered an ability under the Densman-Lenhoff bill. Some kind of precognitive insight? Diana: Her visions stopped about four months ago. We're not sure why. Judge Biederman: Huh, too bad. I was going to ask if teledex would hit it's quarterly projection. Diana: Well, we'd like to get started if that's alright. Judge Biederman: Certainly. Just sign where indicated. Diana Skouris, your adoption of Maia Rutledge is hereby complete, legal and binding. So witnessed by me, Henry Biederman, tenth circuit family court of Seattle. You know, some of us have to look far and wide to find people to call family. You two had to look clear across time. Diana, let me introduce you to your daughter, Maia. Maia, say hello to mommy. Maia flings her arms around Diana. National Threat Assessment Command Seattle, Washington. Kyle is in a room pacing angrily. Kyle: I'm not doing it. I mean it this time, no way! Tom: It's just a catscan Kyle, you've had them before. Kyle: This one's gonna tell them the same thing the last 150 told them. Nothing! He points to his head. Kyle: There's nobody in here but me. Tom: I know that. And sooner or later they're gonna stop looking. Kyle: When? When? Tom: I wish I knew. But with NTAC, the Government, they've got bigger issues than you or me ok? Just...Kyle, they're still trying to make sense about what happened that night at Highland Beach, that's all. Kyle: Are they afraid if they let me out I'm going to spill the beans about their big secret? Well they can relax. I just want to get out of here and be normal again, and normal people don't go around sounding off about future humans and the end of the world. Besides, I don't even remember what happened. Tom: I know. Kyle looks up at the camera. Kyle: You listening? I don't remember!! Tom: Just calm down. Just calm down. Kyle: Talk to someone, anyone, please, cos.... Tom: Ok, ok, ok, ok Tom is in the gym hitting a punching bag. Diana walks in. Diana:Tom! Been a while, huh? Tom: Yeah, you know how it is. Us desk jockey's don't have much cause to mix with you hotshot field agents. Diana: Someone feeling a little sorry for himself today? Tom: The 4400 was sent back to save humanity and I'm supposed to help them. Diana: I was there, on the beach, remember? Tom: They gave me a mission, and what's my biggest accomplishment of the week? I convinced my son to take another catscan. Though somehow I don't think that's what they had in mind. Diana's new partner enters the room. Agent: Diana, you ready to roll? Diana: In a minute. Hubbard: Because we have to check in on three returnee's in a row. I wanna make sure we get our reports in by five. Diana: Ok, why don't you keep the car warmed up and I'll be right there. He leaves the room. Tom: Vic Hubbard's the best lead investigator you could find? Diana: Oh no, he's the fourth one this year. Two more, I break a record. We gotta get you out from behind that desk. Tom: I'm lucky to have a job here. I put a gun to another Agents head, remember? Diana: Yeah well, I never said it was gonna be easy. He begins to hit the bag again. Intel Room 3 Brady: It's obvious what really happened. Marco: Whoa, are you gonna start in with your negative energy again? Brady: White holes. See, they're the answer. That's how they took them and that's how they brought them back. Diana enters the room. Diana: Guys. Guys! Am I interrupting? Marco: Brady's back on his white hole kick again. Diana: One day you'll explain to me the difference between the white one's and the black one's, right? Marco: Well, how about tonight? Diana: How about you just give me that thing that we discussed. Marco: Can't. Diana: Why not? Marco: I already sent it upstairs. Diana: Ah. Wonder if anyone's read it yet. Marco: When they do, I'm sure you're gonna hear about it. Diana: I owe you one, handsome. Abendson Psychiatric Care Facility Tess Doerner, abductetd on April 3rd, 1955, sits in the communal area drawing a picture. Another man approaches and takes a book from under his jumper. Tess: H P Lovecrafts.The Mountains Of Madness. Are you trying to tell me something? Which orderly did you steal it from. Matt picks up her drawing and stares at it. Tess: Matt? You're so sweet. You're the only person here, who doesn't want me dead. I wish I could take you with me when I go, but I can't. They only want me. I'll be leaving soon. Very soon. The exact same scene she has drawn is being enacted outside. Two inmates are putting pieces of scrap metal together whilst Arlo and Matt, two orderlys, look on. Arlo: Joanne, Paul? What are you doing? Joanne: s*x maniac. Don't go flashing those bedroom eyes at me. Arlo: Joanne, I'm serious. Put that stuff down before you hurt yourself. Joanne: We're building something. Arlo: I can see that! Joanne: Can you really? It's gonna be gigantic. Arlo: Humungous. Rival the pyramids. But some things are better left to the imagination, Joanne. Besides, you two have physical therapy now. Let's go! The two move inside. Arlo: Building something. Building nothing. Help me get rid of this junk. Richard is in town to collect his wages. He finds flyers scattered around, identical to the warning note from earlier. Looking up, he sees a man dressed in black. Shawn is at the centre having a massage. Shawn: Ow Masseuse: I'm sorry, too hard? Shawn: No it's ok. Give it your best shot. Masseuse: Whatever you do, you must be pretty good at it. Shawn: Yeah, I work with my hands, same as you. Masseuse: My apartment doesn't look anything like this. Shawn: Well, it helps to have friends in high places. Masseuse: I'm always open to making new friends. Someone knocks on the door. Shawn: Come in! Collier enters. Shawn: Speak of the devil Collier: Give us a moment. The girl leaves the room Shawn: Has anyone ever told you, your timing sucks? Collier: If they did I'd probably fire them. He hands Shawn his book. 'The 4400 And Counting'. Collier: For you Shawn: Oh. Collier: It's in book stores tomorrow. Shawn: Jordan. This is going to sell a million copies. People are gonna freak out when they read this. Collier: Big ideas make a loud noise when the land, Shawn. Diana enters the office of Nina Jarvis, Director NTAC Pacific Northwest Division. Diana: You wanted to see me, Nina? Nina: Are you sleeping with Tom Baldwin? Diana: Should I come back in? Maybe we could start over. Nina: Answer the question. Diana: Never even held hands. Nina: Do you owe him money? Diana: What game are we playing here, because if I knew the rules.... Nina: I am playing the theory room paper game. Diana: I don't know that one. Nina: Well let me give you a hint. She begins to read a report sent up from Marco. Nina: The necessity for the immediate reassignment of Thomas Baldwin to active field duty. Diana: Catchy title. Nina: Did you come up with it yourself, or did the big brains of the basement pitch in? Diana: Let's just say that I agree with the sentiment. Tom's the best agent I've ever worked with. Maybe the best you've got in this division. In the three months that Baldwin was investigating the 4400, this department learned more, far more than in the entire year he's been shuffling paper. Nina: He threatened another agents life. Diana: He was trying to protect his son, who these future people or whoever they are, chose as their spokesman. Not to mention that his nephew, Shawn, is one of the 4400. Nina: All of which sound like major conflicts of interest to me. Diana: That's not what Dennis Ryland believed. Nina: Dennis Ryland is no longer in charge here. Diana: Maybe you should call Washington, talk to him. Nina: I don't have to call Washington. They've got me on speed dial. Congressmen, Senators, Committee Chairs, Sub Committee Chairs. All of them are looking to this department, to me, for answers. Diana: Which is why you can't keep an agent like Tom Baldwin on the shelf. He's a major player in this case. He's maybe, the major player. Nina: See, funny, that's exactly what it say's in this paper. Diana: Maybe Marco had me check it for typo's. Nina: Alright, the next time that you want to send me a message, put your name on it. Diana stands up straight, turns and leaves the room. Later, back at the sanitarium. Clayton: Mr Woolcock! Get down there. Matt: Arlo! Clayton: Mr Woolcock, get down from there! Matt: Arlo! You heard the man! Clayton: Woolcock, get down from there this instant. Arlo, the orderly from earlier, is clambering across the roof, on his stomach. He reaches the weather vane and pulls it loose. Clayton: I've called security! This is your last chance! Matt: What the hell you doing up there? Arlo! Arlo: I've got it! He hugs the weather vane to his chest. Clayton: Arlo, this is your last warning! Matt: Arlo, please! He makes his way backwards towards the ladder. Matt: Arlo, be careful! Arlo: I'm coming down! Matt: Arnold, be careful! Watch what you're doing! He places one foot on the ladder. Arlo: I got it! I got it! He starts to make his way down the ladder, but it begins to fall, taking the man with it. He falls to the ground, screaming. Clayton: Oh my God! We're shown one of Tess' drawings, which includes a picture of the weather vane, which is perched on top of the device she is drawing. Pictures cover the wall of her room. Richard returns home to find Lily has packed their bags. Richard: Lily I'm home. Lily relax, we don't have to leave. Some nut papered the entire town with these things. He wasn't singling us out. Lily: Well I still think we should go. Richard: I was scared last night too, but did you read this? It's a rant, not a witchhunt. Lily: Maybe, but Richard, we still don't feel safe here anymore. Richard: You mean Isabelle doesn't feel safe. Lily: Richard, we've gone over this a dozen times. I don't know why she talks to me and not to you. Richard: Talks? Lily: Communicates. Whatever. Richard: Did she happen to mention where we should go? Does she have a place picked out, or will she know when she see's it? Lily: We can find a town. Richard: We already did. Right here. Isabelle is six months old. I know she's a special kid, but we're still her parents. We make decisions for her, she doesn't make them for us. Isabelle begins to cry and Lily rushes into the bedroom, picking her up. Richard picks up the bags and takes them back into the room. Richard: We're staying put. At Diana's apartment, Maia is sat on her bed, writing in her journal. Diana: Maia! As she hears Diana call, she quickly hides the journal under her pillow. Diana opens the door and is wearing a party hat. Diana: Party time. Balloons decorate the apartment. Diana brings some food to the table. Diana: Macaroni and cheese, mashed potatoes and white bread. Maia: Everything I like. Diana: They're the only things you'll eat. You gotta promise me that you'll outgrow this phase soon. Maia: Mommy, how do you make this taste so good? Diana: It's a hidden talent I guess. You just called me Mommy. Maia: You're my Mom now, right? Diana: Now and forever. Maia: I like that. Diana: Me too. Maia: Do you think I'll ever go back to school? Diana: Weren't you just telling me that you got a 97 on your math test? Maia: Not home school, real school with a playground and recess. Diana: Well sure you will, you know, when you get a bit older. Maia: How much older? I'm not seeing things that are going to happen, anymore. So it should be ok for me to be around other kids. I think I'd be happy at school. Diana: Aren't you happy now? Maia: I'm glad you're my mom for real, but I could still use a friend or two. More mac and cheese please. Diana: Just a little. Tom and Diana are in Nina's office. She hands him a piece of paper. Nina: Sign this. Tom: What is it? Nina: Your letter of resignation. Tom: I thought I was being reassigned to field duty. Nina: You are, effective immediately. I need results. We have a high priced collection of sheepskin in the basement that tells me you're the best way to get them, so I'm willing to take a risk. But I need some insurance. This. I left the date blank. You cross the line, I fill it in. Tom: Fair enough. He picks up a pen and signs. Nina: Good! Here, look at this. She turns a screen around to face them bringing up details on Tess. Diana: Tess Doerner. Diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia at the age of 15. Disappeared from Abbotson psychiatric hospital on April of 1955. Tom: Well maybe they sent her back without bothering to cure her. Diana: Curing people was not part of their agenda. Nina: We just got a call from the CA over at the hospital. One of the orderly's is dead and he claims that there's some kind of connection. Diana stands up to leave Diana: We'll check it out. Tom: Hold on. There's still one piece of business we need to get straight. Nina: You're setting conditions? Tom brings Kyle home. Kyle: This is your new house? Tom: It's yours too. Kyle takes a look around while Tom stands watching him. They make their way into Kyle's new bedroom. Tom: All your stuff is here. Kind of looks like our old place, huh? Well try it, anyway. Kyle: Only one thing missing. Mom. Tom: Yeah I know. Sometimes I can't believe she's not here either. But we tried Kyle. We really tried to make it work. Kyle: I wish you both would have tried a little harder. Tom: I'm sorry. You know, when something terrible happens to a family, when you were in the hospital, it can bring people closer together or it can drive them apart. Your Mom and me.... Kyle: Well I'll have to call her. Let her know I'm out of quarantine. Tom: Yeah, you should do that. It would make her really happy. Kyle: Shawn's gonna freak out too. Tom: Well.... Kyle: I'm going to see him, right? Tom: You're a good cousin. Just don't expect too much. You know, people change in four years. I can't believe you're standing here. I've been looking forward to this moment for too long. Hey, you remember how we used to love to go to the batting cages? Kyle: You never could hit that curve ball. Tom: That was you. I've got plenty of quarters saved up. Kyle: Maybe we should stop off at the driving range, too. Tom: You wanna learn how to play golf? I used to beg to teach you. Kyle: There are a lot of things I wanna try now, Dad. Tom: You make a list. You want it, we'll do it. Anything. You can show me tonight, okay? Tom makes his way out of the room. Kyle: You're leaving? I just got here. Tom: It's my job, buddy. Now get started on that list. Tom and Diana arrive at the sanitarium, to find building of Tess' device in progress. Diana: You people really take your arts and crafts seriously, don't you. Tom: You sure Tess drew this before they started building? Clayton: She made her first sketch two weeks ago. That thing started going up yesterday. Diana: And you think that the orderly who died is connected to all of this. Clayton: He was on the ledge of B building, prying off a weather vane. I believe it was this weather vane. He shows them one of Tess' drawings. They make their way inside. Tom: So why don't you just confine all of the other patients to their rooms. Clayton: Well I intend to, but this kind of cooperative behaviour is unheard of with these illnessess. Besides I wanted you to take a look at that thing before we tore it down again. One of the patients comes out of a room. Clayton: It's alright Kevin. They're just here to talk to Tess. He turns to Tom and Diana Clayton: He's very protective of her. She's his only friend in here. Really, it's ok. He opens the door to her room. Clayton: I'll just let her know you're coming. Tom: Great. Inside Tess' room Diana: We saw some of the pictures you did, Tess. They're really good. Tess: Shhhh! They'll hear you. There's microphones in the walls. They broadcast by satellite to the submarines. Diana: Who does? Tess: The Doctors. Tom: The Doctors here in the hospital? Tess: Some of them are here in the hospital. Some of them are stationed on a submarine. Diana: We'll just talk really softly. Tess: They take my crayons away, but they're too late. Tom: Yeah? Why's that? Tess: Because it's gonna get built anyway. They want me to get in touch with them. That's why they put the plans in my head. Tom: Um, now, are we talking about the Doctors here in the hospital, or the Doctors under the sea. Tess: Neither. We're talking about the people who took me. Stupid. Diana: So, the people who took you. They want the patients here to build that tower? Tess: They'll do anything to get me back. They like me. Tom: Did you ask the other patients for help, Tess? Tess: I don't like talking to them. They're crazy. Diana: Was Arlo crazy? Tess: I never thought he was. Maybe crazy is catching. Diana and Tom leave the building and walk towards their car. Tom: So, my first day back. What's going on? Not much. Just a bunch of mental patients building a machine to contact the future. Diana: Well that's what Tess thinks, anyway. She also thinks there are Doctors stationed under the Pacific Ocean, listening to a radio broadcast of her private conversations. Tom: Could be some kind of collective hysteria. Doesn't explain this guy Arlo, though. Diana: He's a middle aged hospital orderly, who's wife just left him. He could have been suicidal. Tom: Lost his nerve at the last minute and tried to grab the weather vane? Diana: I wonder how long it is since Marco got some sun. I was thinking we could bring him down to have a look at that thing they're building. Tom: A lone trip for Marco. Diana: He goes outside Tom. We could have some sunblock handy. Tom: It would be something though, huh? If she could actually do it? Contact the future? Diana: Tess is right. Maybe crazy is catching. The 4400 Centre at night Collier is on the floor of his office, crying out in pain. Shawn and a secretary rush in. Secretary: He was dictating a letter. He just grabbed his head and started screaming. Shawn: Wait outside. Now! She leaves and Shawn grabs Colliers head and begins to try and take the pain away. Shawn: Hold still. Eventually he succeeds and they both remain exhausted on the floor. Collier: Thanks. Thankyou. Shawn: They're getting worse. Jordan, they're coming more often, too. Collier: You ok? Shawn: I'm fine. I don't get it. I don't get why these attacks keep coming back. I cured emphysema, leukaimia. That baby really kicked your ass. Collier: Well you just remember that when we find Richard and Lily. Shawn: You sound pretty confident Jordan, but it's been a year. Sometimes I forget they're still out there. Collier: I never forget and neither do the men I'm paying to find them. Shawn: Ok, but if I were you, I wouldn't want to be in the same timezone as that kid. If you two meet up again, it might just finish you off. Collier: I have my reasons. He helps Shawn to his feet. Collier: You get some rest. Shawn: Alright. Collier: Big day tomorrow. Shawn: Yeah. Newscast Newscaster: In breaking news, a revelation about the origins of the 4400. In his newly published autobiography former real estate agent, Jordan Collier, claims that the 4400 were abducted by Human Beings from the future. The book contains copies of classified government memoranda, that Collier say's prove his claims. The documents are said to come from an anonymous source within the National Threat Assessment Command. According to Collier, the 4400 were returned to avert a catastrophe that threatens the survival of mankind. Diana and Maia are watching the broadcast. Maia: Why didn't you tell me? Newscaster: Collier charges that the government has had this information for more than a year, but has kept it secret in an effort to avert a public panic. Richard is at work watching the broadcast. Newscaster: The government claims that the documents are purely speculative and have been quoted out of context. Back in Richards workplace. Mechanic: I don't care who took them. I don't care who sent them back. The government should have kept them behind bars. Mechanic 2: You heard what the man said. They're here to save the world. Mechanic: Well what do you expect him to say. He's one of them. You're awful quiet. Richard: I deal in facts. The fact is, I gotta flush this radiator before lunch. He begins to work on a car. Nina holds a meeting. Nina: Did everybody hear that Mr Collier's source, is anonymous no more. Agent Hubbard will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law. Diana: So what about Collier? Tom: Can't buy national secrets on the black market. Nina: I'm sure we'd all like to see Collier charged with treason, but it's unlikely. I doubt we'll be able to trace the payments directly to him. Now, as for the so called 4400 center. Around the clock surveillance is in effect until further notice. I want pictures of everyone who comes within a hundred yards of that place. Agent: Is it true that Collier is filing for tax exempt status? Nina: Apparently. Tom: What, he's turned the 4400 into some kind of religion? Agent: More like a cult. Tom: A cult is what the big congregation calls a little congregation. Agent 2: Cult, religion, whatever. What's he basing it on? Diana: Have you read this thing? Collier claims that he can unlock the 4400 within anybody. Agent 3: So he expects a guy punching a clock in Pittsburgh, to believe he has some kind of latent superpower? Agent 2: Most of the 4400 don't even have those kinds of abilities. Not yet anyway. Diana: No, but if you thought there was a chance that you had an ability locked away inside you. Nina: You sound like you're ready to sign up. Diana: No. But I wouldn't blame anyone for being curious. Tom: Now we keep telling the public, that biologically, the 4400 aren't any different than the rest of us. They haven't been altered genetically, neurologically. Agent 3: As far as we can tell. But if Collier thinks that people are just gonna sign up their lives and their life savings over to some metaphysical pyramid scheme, then he's in for a rude awakening. Kyle arrives at the 4400 center which is open to the public for a book signing. He walks among the crowd and is greeted by Devon. Devon: Welcome to the 4400 center. My name is Devon. What's your name? Kyle: Kyle Devon: Nice to meet you Kyle. Can I sign you up for a tour? Kyle: Thanks. I'm just looking for my cousin? Shawn Farrell? Devon: I'm sorry. Mr Farrell's not available right now. Kyle: Can you tell him Kyle's looking for him? He does live here, right? Devon: I'm afraid policy prohibits me from discussing our membership. Kyle: I'm not looking for a discussion. I just want to say hi to my cousin. She blocks his way. Devon: If you want to leave your name and number. Kyle: I'm not leaving anything. What is the problem here? Devon: There's no problem. Kyle: Then tell Shawn I'm here. If he doesn't want to see me, fine! But that's up to him, right? Devon: Would you lower your voice please? Kyle: Look, I've got nothing against you personally. I hope the pod people return your body to you someday. If it's all the same, I'll find Shawn myself. Three security guards come up to him and begin to drag him out. Guard: This way sir. Kyle: Get your hands off me! Back at the sanitarium, the building continues. Marco: You guys didn't tell me this thing was so big. Tom: It wasn't. Diana: Not yesterday. Marco: Those don't look like patients to me. Diana:They're not. Tom: Dr Clayton. Clayton: I know what you're gonna say. We're falling behind. We'll make up the time this afternoon. Diana: So is the entire hospital working on this thing? Clayton: It's the only way to get it done. Excuse me. Randy? Winston? We're gonna need a little help here with the satellite dish. Diana turns to Marco. Diana: Ok, so first the patients, now the staff. If this is some kind of mass hysteria, it's spreading. Back at Richard and Lily's house. Richard is holding Isabelle. Richard: Who does Daddy love? Mom, Elizabeth. Yes he does. You know what he see's when he looks at you? A beautiful baby, yes he does. But Mommy see's much more than that. You know why? You communicate with Mommy, but you never talk to daddy. So how about it. Anything you want to say to Daddy? Huh? Cos I'm listening. Ok then. Guess I'm left to muddle along, all alone. Lily enters the room. Lily: Richard. We've gotta get a copy of that book, I wanna read it. Richard: You and me both, but I've checked in town. They won't have any copies till tomorrow. Lily: I don't know about you, but I kinda got used to the idea that we'd never know where she came from. Richard: Well, if we went to the future. At least we came back with a souvenier. Lily: The people who took us. They made all this happen, right? They saw to it that we got Isabelle. They must have something in mind for her. Richard: I have something in mind for us, too. A normal life. Lily: Sounds good, but we left normal behind a long time ago now. Back at the sanitarium, Agents are pulling people away from the device. Clayton: This is outrageous. We have work to finish here. Important work. Tom: Doctors are allowed to make their rounds. No-ones stopping them from taking care of their patients. From now on, the tower and the court area are off limits. You got it? Agent: I've got it. Marco walks up to the tower device. Marco: Man, look at the size of that thing. I wouldn't mind having one of those in my backyard, huh? Tom: Road trips over. Wait in the car. Marco leaves and Diana walks over to stand by Tom's side. Diana: So yesterday, a few patients were compelled to work on this thing, and today it's the entire hospital. Tom: If we get Tess out of here, you think this compulsion will fade? Diana: I don't know. Tom: It's worth a try, isn't it? Diana and Tom take Tess from her room and lead her into the corridor. She's upset and crying. Tom: Alright, I got you. Tess: I'm not a bad person. I'm not. Diana: No-one's saying that you are, Tess. Tess: Then why are you gonna stick wires in my brain? Tom: I promise Tess. Nobody's gonna hurt you. Tess: That's what everybody say's right before they hurt you. Why am I being punished? I'm a good person really. I'm only doing what they want. Kevin comes rushing up the corridor yelling and rushes at Tom. Tom: Guards! Guards! Get over here. He is dragged off and walks down the corridor, yelling. Tess is sobbing and is taken through the doors. Tess: Kevin! Kevin! Tom: It's alright. Maia and a friend are playing go fish in Diana's apartment. The babysitter is setting the table for dinner. Maia: Do you have a seven? Kerry: Go fish. Diana enters. Diana: I am so sorry I'm late. Oh, who do we have here? Maia: This is Kerry. She lives downstairs. The UPS man left a package for us by mistake, and when her Mom came to get it, Kerry was with her, and now I'm invited to her birthday party. And it's a sleepover. I can go, right? Diana: Hi Kerry, I'm Diana. Kerry: It's nice to meet you. Diana: It's nice to meet you. Maia: I already said it's ok. Diana: Well I think we should probably talk to Kerry's Mom, don't you? Oh look, you know what? It sounds fine to me. Maia rushes up to hug her. Maia: Thankyou, thankyou, thankyou. Jordan Colliers office. Shawn: You never told me I was a prisoner. Collier: Have you ever seen a prison cell Shawn? It looks nothing like your apartment. Shawn: Goddammit Jordan! Since when do you decide who I see and talk to. Collier: This is about your cousin, isn't it? Shawn: So you did know he was here? Collier: I know he was rude and aggressive and had to be escorted from the premises. Shawn: You mean thrown out! Collier: It might have been handled more smoothly Shawn, but all in all I have to say it was for the best. Shawn: Kyle is my friend. Collier: He was your friend. Look, a year ago you came to me looking for a new life. Your old one in shambles. Kyle, friend or not, is part of that old life. Shawn: So what do you want me to do? You just want me to cut him loose and forget he exists? Collier: He's no different than your Mother, your brother or your friend Nikki. Shawn: Don't. Collier: They do not understand what it is we're trying to accomplish here. Shawn: Maybe I don't either. Collier: Well then I suggest you pack your bags and leave. Shawn sits down. Shawn: So what happens next time you start screaming out in pain? Collier: Do what's right for you Shawn. I'll take care of myself. Tom is sat in the office when Diana enters Diana: I got the full physical work up on Tess. Tom: Let me guess. Physically normal across the board. Diana: I'll say this for the 4400. They're consistent. Tom: Tess draws a picture of a tower or a monument. Diana: Or a beacon. Tom: The the people around her drop everything and start building it. Diana: Well, they can't help themselves. They have to work. Tom: It's like ants. Come here. He beckons her over and she takes a look at this laptop screen. Tom: The Queen secretes a chemical telling the other ants what to do. Diana: The drones don't stop working until the job is done. Doesn't matter if one of them dies or if a storm comes and washes away the ant hill. Tom: They just keep working, unless you take the Queen away. I just hope our drones respond the same way. Diana: So the future sent back a schizophrenic Queen ant with a blueprint to an interstellar walkie talkie? Tom: Let's see what Tess can tell us. Diana: You know, we'd better not get too close, because if your theory's right, anyone who get's too close to her, could be vulnerable. Tom: Alright I'll talk to Tess. You check with Garrity over at the hospital. Tom goes to see Tess. He speaks to her through a glass window. Tom: These friends of yours. The one's who took you. What do you think they want to talk about? Tess: They're so much smarter than you, it isn't even funny. Tom: Yeah. Yeah, no doubt. They figured out how to take you and how to send you back. Tess: Sending me back was a mistake and you know it. I'm supposed to be there. Tom: Where exactly is there? Tess: There were Doctors there too. They were nice. All of them. Tom: Do you remember where you were taken? Tess: We slept a lot, but not all the time. We wore grey clothes. There's a giant building. The Doctors wore shiny jackets. I miss it so much. She approaches the dividing screen. Tom: Go on. I really like hearing you talk about it. Tess: Our rooms had round windows. Our doorways with arches in them. The stones had writing in them. Math symbols or something. Inscriptions. Jars of purplish metals and rods with stained tips. Tom: These symbols. Tess, what did they look like? Tess? Tess, do you remember what the inscriptions said? Tess: They're waiting to hear from me. I need to get in touch with them. She moves away. Tom: Tess, Tess. Tess, wait! Diana is in the office, trying to get hold of Garrity. Diana: Garitty, why haven't you been picking up your cell phone? Garrity: I'm sorry, it's been kind of crazy down here. Diana: So is everything alright? Garrity: Yeah, fine. Just about done here. Diana: Done? Garrity: Well, the satellite dish is a bitch to hook up, but we'll get em. Down at the sanitarium Garrity: Come on people, let's get those dishes secured. We don't have all day. Tom appears in the office Tom: I just had the most unbelievable conversation with Tess. Diana: Well it couldn't be any more unbelievable than the one I just had with Garitty. Lily is walking down a street pushing Isabelle in a pushchair. She walks past a cinema and into a gift shop, where she picks up a copy of Collier's book. The man Richard saw earlier placing warning leaflets is talking to the owner. Shopkeeper: Can't say I see it that way. Josiah: No other way to see it. That book is blasphemy. Shopkeeper: Well don't buy it, if that's how you feel. Josiah: The third angel blew his trumpet and a great sorrow fell from heaven, burning like a torch. Revelations 8:10. Shopkeeper: I'll take your word for it. Josiah: The day they came back was the beginning of the end times. Shopkeeper: Sounds like you've done a little more thinking on it than I have. Josiah: Either remove the book from the store or my boy here will remove it for you. Shopkeeper: Like hell he will. Lily accidentally knocks over a table, gaining the attention of the man. He walks over, seeing the book in her hands. Josiah: Do you know what you're carrying there, woman? Lily: It's just a book. Josiah: It's the doorway to hell. Isabelle is watching him. He turns to her and Lily rushes over. Josiah: That child yours? Lily: It's my daughter. Josiah: Abomination begets abomination. Lily picks up the baby. Isabelle looks at the man over her mother's shoulders and as she does so, the windows of the store blow out and goods fly everywhere. She rushes out and quickly makes her way to Richard who is working on a car. Lily: Richard! Richard: What's going on? Lily: We gotta get out of here, now! He follows her over to their car. Back at the sanitarium, the tower is on fire. Agents hold back those wishing to save it. Tom: What the hell happened here. Clayton: These new guys you sent us are no good. Garrity: Park told me he had experience with a welding torch, so.... Clayton: Experience in what? Starting fires? Now our schedule's in the toilet. Diana: Did either of you call the fire department? Tom looks up at the fire. Kevin falls to his knees, while in her room, Tess begins to scream. Richard and Lily hurriedly pack, as a car pulls up outside. Richard: Time to go. Josiah kicks the door open, while Richard and Lily try to get away in the car. Lily: Hurry Richard. Hurry Josiah goes into the bedroom, where the cot mobile is still playing. He looks around and see's the open window. Opening the door, he fires his rifle at the car blowing out the windows. Lily screams as Richard starts the engine and drives away. Nina holds a meeting. Nina: As of tonight, Abottson state hospital is officially under quarantine. The patients will remain locked down. Hospital staff and affected NTAC personnel will be confined to the site, until we've isolated the source of the compulsion. Tom: That sounds like a good plan, but who's gonna watch over them? The last group we sent was compromised within hours. Diana: Which is quite frankly, a little disturbing. I mean, if you think of this like an epidemic. I the CDC, we'd call Tess the sole disease factor. You remove her, you remove the urge to build. Except, as far as we know.... Tom: None of those agents had any contact with Tess. Diana: So it's like the flu, or any other airborne virus. If you catch it you can pass it on. Nina looks at one of the drawings. Nina: What is this thing supposed to be anyway? Marco: My guess, and I cannot emphasise the word guess strongly enough, is that Tess is telling us the truth. It's some kind of communication device. Nina: To contact who? The future? Tom: The only way to find out is to let the patients finish building it. That night on Highland Beach, they were trying to tell us something. The conversation was cut short. Diana: Which is why we've been stumbling around in the dark this last year. Tom: Tess is the ony 4400 who remembers where she was taken. Nina: No, claims to remember where she was taken. She's also the only paranoid schizophrenic, and it sounds to me like you too have been spending a little too much time around her. Marco: Well, maybe I caught the bug too, but I agree with them. Nina: The quarantine orders for the hospital will remain in effect until further notice. The guards will rotate shifts to minimise their exposure. Tom: So where does that leave us? Nina: Until we're sure the compulsion is not spreading anymore, you two aren't going anywhere near that facility. [SCENE_BREAK] Richard and Lily have pulled up at a gas station. Lily: Isabelle is asleep. The rainy day came sooner than expected. Do you think we lost them? Richard: I'm not ready to stop for pies just yet. I've got 1200 here. Another 300 in my pocket. Lily: I'm carrying too. Richard: I'm gonna have to get those back windows replaced in the morning. That should be enough to carry us through to Montana. Lily: What did Eric say when you called him? Richard: He was a little surprised to hear from me. Back in quarantine he used to say that us 4400's should stick together. Lily: Yeah well, we didn't have much choice back then though, did we. He takes her hand. Richard: We'll have to get by on our savings when we get there. Lily: If things get really bad, we can sell these. Richard: I put that ring on your finger forever. Guess you and Isabelle were right. We should have taken off when we had the chance. They kiss. Lily: It's gonna be a long night. You want me to drive a shift? Richard: Get some sleep. Diana's sitting on her bed, when there's a knock at the door. Maia is with the woman from downstairs Diana: Maia, what's wrong? Woman: I'm sorry, I know it's late, but Maia really wanted to come home. Diana: Well why's that sweetie? Maia: I don't want to talk about it. Woman: Some of the girls, not my daughter, but some of the other girls, were teasing Maia because she say's she has a crush on Frank Sinatra. Diana: Old blue eyes. Do you blame her? Woman: Most nine year old's don't even know who Frank Sinatra was. Maia: I want to go to bed. She runs off into her room. Woman: I guess it got pretty nasty. I feel terrible. Maybe Maia can come back another time. Just her and Kerry? Diana: Yeah, we'll talk about it. Thankyou. Goodnight. Woman: Goodnight. Diana walks into Maia's bedroom to find her lying in bed with her eyes closed. Diana: Maia! I know you didn't fall asleep that fast. Maia: It was awful, you were right. Diana: I didn't want to be right. Maia: I don't need any friends. Diana: Everyone needs friends Maia. Maia, I really think we should talk about this. Maia: Well I don't. Josiah and his sons pull up at the petrol station and find that Richard and Lily have been through there. The attendant shows them the direction they went in. Tom is at home looking through Tess' drawings. Kyle walks into the room. Kyle: A Bucks burger is as good as I remember. Tom: That's kind of a strange thing to have on top of your list, but hey, you know what? I think we can make your dreams come true! Kyle begins playing his guitar. Tom: Kyle, shouldn't you be in bed? Kyle: Dad, I'm 21 Tom: Yeah, that's what I have to keep reminding myself. Kyle: I'm making some popcorn, you want some? Tom: You're kidding me. You could eat more? Kyle: I've been eating quarantine food for a year. You guys may be keeping the country safe, but your cafeteria sucks! The phone rings. Kyle: Hello? Hello? Shawn is on the other end and pauses before answering. Shawn: Kyle Richard and Lily continue to drive. Lily: We've gotta get the baby out of the cold. Richard: I don't think there's any motels on this road. I'm thinking we should head south. Catch the 35. They see a truck behind them. Lily: This is the first car we've seen in what, like, fifty miles? Josiah's truck closes in on them. Richard: Get your head down! The truck tries to drive them off the road. Lily: Richard, it's them! Hurry! Richard: Hold on, hold on! The car swerves down into the woods and hits a tree. Richard: Is everybody ok? Lily: I think so. Richard: Ok, let's go. The truck pulls up behind the car. Lily and Richard make their way on foot into the woods. Josiah and his son's walk up to the car with rifles in their hands. Josiah: Spread out. Diana goes into Maia's bedroom Diana: Hey Maia sweetie. It's wake up time. Maia: I'm tired. Diana: Huh? A late night huh? Alright, fifteen more minutes. You know what? Frank Sinatra is the coolest and don't you let anyone ever tell you different. She finds Maia's diary in her drawer. On the first page are written the words. 'Things I See. Later that morning she walks with Marco through a hallway, at work. Marco: So you didn't read any of it? Diana: Well no. I wouldn't want my daughter reading my diary. Marco: You keep a diary? Am I in it? Diana: Oh come on. Don't flatter yourself. Marco: So really, you don't even know if, what she see's, means things during the day. TV shows, ponies, whatknot. Or it could be,what she see's a week, a month, a year down the line. Diana: No, no. She hasn't had one of those visions in like, four months. Marco: Well that's what she tells you, anyway. Diana: Well why would she lie? Marco: She wants to be normal, right? Everytime she makes a prediction, someone calls her a freak. Look, I understand, you're her Mom now, there are certain protocols. Next time I'm over, why don't I take a peek. Diana: Oh come on, you think that would be any less of a betrayal? Marco: Respecting Maia's privacy is no small thing, but you gotta weigh that against the information that could be in that diary. Diana: You know what? When you stop trusting a parent, it's really hard to start again, and yes, I'm speaking from experience. Marco: Hey, I'm glad it's not my decision. But if Maia's having visions, you should know about it and you should know what they are. Richard and Lily are hiding in the woods. Richard is sat by a stream and seems to have injured his foot. Lily: Is it bad? Richard: I just jammed it when we spun out. I just need to walk it off a little more. Follow the stream south. Hike through the water a bit. Throw them off our trail. Lily: We'll be cold. Richard: It'll keep us awake. After a mile we'll double back west and head straight for the highway. Lily: Sounds easy when you say it. Richard: You can do it. You can do it, right? Isabelle begins to cry. Richard: Keep her quiet. She's going to bring them right to us. He takes his shoe and sock off and we see that he has a large gash on his ankle. Meanwhile, Tom is in the office when Diana enters. Diana: Does the name Gene Vecruso ring a bell? Tom: Yeah, returnee 927. Oh, let me guess, he still has the ability to turn 20 bucks into a crushing hangover. Diana:And a night in the drunk tank downtown. Come on. We'll go ferry him back to his halfway house. Tom: Give it to Mortimer or Felcowan. Diana: We got something else on our plates? Everything's been quiet at Abbotsun. Nobody's been allowed near the tower. Tom: That's the problem isn't it? Diana: Tom, Tom no. You do remember that Jarvis has still got your letter of resignation. Tom: She wants results. I'm gonna give them to her. Besides, you wanna know what that thing is as badly as I do. Diana: I'm trying not to think about it. Tom: Yeah well, I can't think of anything else. Diana: It sounds like Tess has got her hooks in you. Tom: I don't have the urge to pick up a tool belt. He picks up Tess' drawings and leaves the room. Diana: I'm coming with you. They go and get Tess from her room. Diana: It's alright Tess, we're taking you back to Abbotsun. Tom: We've signed you out Tess. No-one from NTAC is coming after you. Tess: Not you people. The Doctors in their submarines. They're watching us. Diana: Are you having second thoughts? Tom: No, just get in. Kyle is sat on some steps as Shawn approaches him from behind. Shawn: So you still owe me four/five dollars for those two six packs? Something like that? Kyle: I've got it right here, if you think you can take it from me. They hug. Shawn: Look at you man, back among the living. You look great. Kyle: I walk and talk. Seem to have full control of my limbs. Shawn: You still hit like a girl. Nothings changed. Kyle: Four years. Plenty's changed. Shawn:What are you talking about? We saw each other right after you got out of the hospital. Kyle: I don't remember any of that. Shawn: You don't? So you don't remember sitting naked in the sprinklers. Kyle: No. Sounds like something you'd do. Shawn: Well.... Kyle: Thankyou. I never got a chance to say that. For getting me out of the coma, thankyou. Shawn: You know, if it hadn't of been for me, you wouldn't have been in that stupid hospital, anyway, so.... Kyle: Then I'd have been the one who'd have disappeared into 4400 bootcamp. Maybe I'd of come back with the magic hands. Shawn: Alright, alright. Kyle: Speaking of disappearing you jerk. Shawn: Oh Kyle, don't go there yet! Kyle: Don't go there? Your Mom is so freaked out. You haven't seen her in a year. You haven't seen anybody. Your brother. My Dad. What was going on with you and Nikki? Shawn: Kyle, I don't want to talk about it. Kyle: We're all really worried about you, man. Shawn: You don't need to be. I mean, I'm fine. Kyle: I've been to that place where you're living. There's some serious Stepford Wives vibes going on there. You know that, right? All that stuff about unlocking the 4400 inside everybody. Shawn: Yeah? Kyle: You don't really believe Collier can do that, do you? Shawn: Kyle, look around us man. The world is in a total freefall. These centres, they're a chance to bring people together. Maybe our last chance. I don't just believe that he can do it. I believe that he has to do it. Kyle: It's all that stuff they've got inside your head. Kyle walks away and Shawn follows him. Shawn: He said you wouldn't understand. Kyle: Collier? Shawn: Yeah. Kyle: I gotta tell you man, he was right. Richard, Lily and the baby continue to make their way through the woods. Richard has another flash of events to come. He falls to the floor and Lily runs back to him. Lily: Richard! Are you alright? Richard: Guess I wasn't looking where I was going. Lily: Ok. You just need to rest. Richard: You think they're stopping for a rest? He tries to get up, but his foot is hurting too much Richard: Five minutes. Tom is back at the sanitarium and is rallying the patients. Banging on doors with Tess happily following him. Tom: Ok, come everyone! Back to the tower! Come on! We've got a lot to do and not a lot of time to do it, so let's go. Come on! Go, go! You heard, let's go! He makes his way to another door. Tess: This one's mine. Stand over there! Kevin comes out of his room and Tess throws her arms around him. Tess: Hey Kevin! Look! I escaped. He gives her back her book. Tess: Always thinking of me. Kevin's a genius you know, but he doesn't brag about it. Blood is seeping through Richard's shoe. Lily: I bet in a couple of days all these berries will be ripe. Richard: Don't eat em now. The last thing we need is to start cramping up. Close up of Isabelle staring at the berries, which suddenly ripen. Lily picks some. and takes them over to Richard. Lily: Look. Richard: I thought you said they weren't ripe. Lily: They weren't. Richard: Well.... Isabelle? Lily: Had to be. Richard: Way to go, little girl. Diana and Tom watch the patients rebuild the tower. Tom: They're gonna have to work faster. Diana: I'm gonna help them. Tom: That's not funny Diana. Diana: I really wanna do this. Tom: No, you'll only be in the way. Diana: You don't understand. I really need to do this. She leaves, while Tom continues to look out of the window. Josiah is catching up to Richard and Lily. He comes across the stalks from some eaten berries. Shawn returns to the 4400 centre to find Collier looking at some photographs in the foyer. Collier: Shawn, I've been looking for you. Shawn: Yeah, I took a walk. Collier: We have a special visitor tonight. She has pancreatic cancer. Her husband is willing to donate real estate for a 4400 centre in Los Angeles. Shawn: Well tonight doesn't really work for me Jordan. He begins to walk up the stairs. Collier: Well, you have five, no six hours, to get in the mood. Shawn: Mood's got nothing to do with it. I'm just not working tonight. Josiah's sons find some of Richards blood. They begin whistling to attract Josiah's attention. Richard and Lily can hear the noises. Lily: Richard please. Don't do this. Richard: We don't have another choice. Lily: There's three of them. They're gonna kill you. Richard: No. Not if I get my hands on one of those shotguns. Lily: You can barely walk. Richard: It's our only chance. I gotta do it now. If I'm not back by sundown, take the baby and walk due west. It's that way. Just keep going in a straight line. You understand? She leans over and kisses him. Richard: I'd give up another fifty years if it mean't finding you again. They kiss again. Lily is crying. Richard gets to his feet with the aid of a crutch and makes his way into the woods. Nina has found out about Tom's plans. Nina: You knew about this, didn't you? Marco: About what? Nina: Baldwin and Skouris signed Tess Doerner out of here and took her back to Evenson. Marco: They're rebuilding the tower. Nina: That would be one theory. Josiah and his sons are closing in on Richard and Lily. Richard jumps out on one of the sons and hits him with a stick, knocking him to the floor. As he does so his gun goes off and Isabelle begins crying. The mans brother appears, but Richard has picked up the gun and points it at him. Richard: Drop it, or I'll cut you in half. The man put's down the gun. Richard: Ok, turn around. As Richard advances, Josiah appears behind him and knocks him out with the butt of his rifle. Josiah: I taught you boy's better than this. He looks down at Richard. Josiah: Get up!! Nina and Marco arrive at the sanitarium accompanied by armed men. Tom approaches Diana who's working on the tower. Tom: Diana, how's it going? Diana: It turns out we're in better shape than I thought. The fire missed most of the wiring. Tom: So how soon till it's ready to go? Diana: Well, we've gotta finish triangulating the dishes, then we're good. His phone rings. Tom: Just get it done. [Into phone] Baldwin. Lily his hiding in the woods and hears Josiah shouting out to her. Josiah: We've got your man! Either you come out, or the next sound you hear is him being blown straight to hell! Richard: I told you she's miles away by now. One of the men kicks him back to the ground. Richard: Aaghh! Gabriel: Open your mouth again, I'll cut your tongue out. Isabelle begins to cry and Josiah hears it. Josiah: Watch him. Josiah walks towards the sound. Richard: Lily! Run!! The tower is almost finished and everyone is gathered. Tess has her arm around Kevin. Tess: Are you sure you don't want to say goodbye to me? I'm gonna miss you most of all. Tom looks out of the locked door and see's Nina advancing. One of the armed men smashes the glass. Nina: Last time Baldwin. Unlock the door. Tom: I can't do that. You said you wanted results. Nina: Listen to me Baldwin. You are not in your right mind. I was talking about. These are not the results that I was talking about. Now step away before you get hurt. She turns to the men Nina: Take it. They begin to batter down the door. Tom: Wait! Wait! Just wait, just wait! We need answers. That tower might provide them. Just listen. Listen. Listen to me. It's a risk, I know. But sometimes when you want to get to the truth, you have to take a leap of faith. Just listen to me. Nina: You want the truth? She turns to Marco, who approaches the door. Marco: Tess Doerner's memories of the future? They're not memories. She read them in a short story by H P Lovecraft. Shadow At A Time. I have it right here. I underlined some of the passages that show up verbatim in your report. They're just another delusion. Tom: No. Marco: I'm sorry Tom. Nina: Let's go. Okay, you guys, take it. She grabs Marco and the men begin to batter down the door. They rush into the courtyard and Diana frantically tries to finish what she's doing. Nina: Step away from that tower! Diana moves away, but seconds later dives back and switches it on. The tower powers up and everyone gazes up at it. The weather vane begins to point in the opposite direction and the tower emits a high pitched noise which throws everyone to the floor. Back in the woods, Richard is being kicked by Josiah's son. A gunshot is heard and Lily screams. Richard hits the man and runs towards the sound. Richard: Isabelle. Isabelle. Lily is standing looking at Josiah. His son is lying on the ground, dead. Josiah: My son! What did you make me do? Gabriel! My God! My son! No, no, Gabriel! Richard appears and grabs Lily. Lily: Richard! Josiah: It wasn't me. That creature made me pull the trigger. You've unleashed a devil into this world! And we're all going to burn. Isabelle is staring at him and he suddenly clutches at his chest, falling to the ground, dead. Josiah's other son appears, pointing a rifle. Isabelle stares at him and he takes the rifle and puts it under his chin. He pulls the trigger and falls dead to the ground. Back at the sanitarium, the people begin to get to their feet. Tess: Where are you? Where are you? Where are you? Clayton: Let's get everybody back inside. I need a full head count before the next round of medications. Tess: Where are you? I did what you wanted, right? Talk to me. Dr Clayton approaches her. Clayton: Come on Tess. We all could use some rest. Tess: They lied to me. Or did I lie to you? She's taken away. Diana: Well, somehow I wanted more. Tom: I don't know what I expected. A big ball of light. A booming voice from the sky. Something. Maybe we built it wrong. Diana: Maybe. All I know is, I don't feel like picking up a hammer anymore. Ten minutes ago, that was all I could think of. Nina appears. Nina: Norad said the pulse disappeared before it left the atmosphere. Could be, all that sound and fury was for absolutely nothing. Now our first priority is to help the hospital personnel restore order here. The I want all of you who were infected with this thing, to be checked out by NTAC medical. Tom: Are you including me in that order, cos I'm not sure.... Nina: You were infected. Because if you're standing here telling me you weren't, I'm putting a date on that letter of resignation. Tom: I was definitely infected. Nina: I thought so. Clayton: We could use a little help, policing the area here. We need to get rid of these tools before one of the patients hurts themselves. Nina turns to Diana and Tom. Nina: You heard the man. Kevin is standing in the middle of the courtyard. Kevin: Excuse me, Dr Clayton! Clayton: Kevin? Did you just speak to me? Kevin: Yes I did. I haven't said anything for a long time. Clayton: Try six years. Kevin: I can think again, too. I don't know what happened. I feel better! Shawn and Collier are in the foyer of the 4400 center. Shawn: You had me followed? Collier: I could have had your conversation recorded. I just thought that might be pushing it. Shawn: Kyle was right. I'm some kind of prisoner. Collier: Shawn I've told you, you can leave here anytime you want, and I mean't it. But until you do, I will not allow these shadows from your past, to alter your perceptions of what it is we're trying to accomplish here. You're too important. Shawn: No, no. You mean, you need help bringing the big checks. Collier: Shawn, the money is a means to an end. The goal is what matters. Ensure the future. Save the planet. I can't do that without you. He walks away. Back at NTAC. Marco: You want proof that the future works in mysterious ways? Look no further than Mr Kevin Burkoff. Tom: Yeah, instead of contacting the future, we got him. Marco: Not as disappointing as it might seem at first flush. Burkoff was a tenured Professor of neuro-chemistry at Stanford University. Diana: Neuro-Science. Only class I ever got a B in. Marco: Yeah, you're not alone. Only a handful of people work at the top of the field at any given time. Our Mr Burkoff was the heir apparent. Until he suffered his first delusion at the age of 30. He was institutionalised two years later. Tom: What was he working on? Marco: You want a ripple effect? How's this? Burkoff specialised in dormant neural pathways. He was trying to wake up parts of the brain that we can't use. Nina: Parts that would do what? Diana: Parts that could lead to all kinds of special new abilities, like precognition. Right Marco? Marco: Precognition. Telekinesis. Stop me if any of this sounds familiar. Tom: Maia Rutledge. Orson Bailey. You're saying that Burkoff is the father of the 4400 technology. Marco: It's possible. Diana: And we just woke him up. Kevin has his bag packed and walks into Tess's room. She's sat on the bed. He kisses her on the cheek and leaves a book on the bed. An sick woman is taken to Shawns room. Tom and Kyle practise their golf swings at night, outside their house. Richard and Lily hitch a lift. Diana enters Maia's bedroom. She leans over and kisses her goodnight. Taking her journal out of the room. She sits and begins to read it. Maia Voiceover: Next door is going to get a kitten. Hope she let's me play with it.....There's going to be a book on how we all came back....We get to be a real family.....A computer for Christmas.....I hope Tom get's his job back....Mommy's bosses will be punished....Mommy's bosses will be punished....Mommy's bosses will be punished....Mommy's bosses will be punished for betraying us... Diana is shocked by the words and closes the journal.

Lily and the baby are hunted by a shotgun-toting preacher; Tom and Diana try to isolate the cause of the strange behavior at the hospital; Diana discovers Maia's diary; and Shawn contacts Kyle.

fd_Dawson_s_Creek_03x19

fd_Dawson_s_Creek_03x19_0

[Scene: Outside Dawson's House. They are getting ready to load up the car for a trip. Joey and Dawson are there talking.] Joey: What are you so smiley about, Dawson? Dawson: Look at us, Jo. What have we become? Joey: Care to expound? Dawson: Spring break. Most kids our age go visit some exotic, sun-drenched locale, don skimpy bathing suits, and ingest mass quantities of liquor. What do we do? We go visit my aunt. Joey: It's a ritual. It was our ritual. I'm glad we're going. I love aunt Gwen. Dawson: And she loves you. Joey: I can't believe she's selling her house. Dawson: I know. It feels like the end of an era. Joey: Do you think we can rope jack and Andie into one of our famous late-night karaoke sessions? Dawson: Ok. I thought we had agreed to go on living the rest of our lives as if they never happened. Joey: Dawson leery, ashamed of his own roots. You love that karaoke machine, and you know it. [Pacey walks up to them with Will Krudski, both are carrying bags.] Pacey: Hey, guys. Look what I found. Joey: This can't be who I think it is. Will Krudski? Will: Hey. Joey: Last time I saw you was in third grade, kicking Pacey's butt around the playground. Will: What was I supposed to do? He was calling me "Will Kruddy." Pacey: It's a good thing you moved to new Raleigh, pal, 'cause without you to worry about, I became king of the playground. Dawson: So, uh, what brings you to Capeside, will? Will: Thought I'd surprise an old friend. Pacey: And, uh, in the spirit of friendship, I took the liberty of tellin' will here that maybe you guys would have room for two more on your little impromptu journey? Dawson: I don't have a problem with that. Will: I'm not intruding? Dawson: No, not at all. Besides, the list of things to do in Capeside when you're 16 is woefully short. [Andie comes up to them carrying a few bags of her own.] Andie: Hey, guys! Pacey: Whuh-oh. Beware of McPhees bearing too much luggage. Andie: Oh, thanks. Pacey: Where's Jackers? Andie: He bailed in favor of spending quality time with dad. Oh. Who's the kindhearted gentleman? Will: Will. Andie: Nice to meet you, will. I'm Andie. Will: Let me help you here. Andie: Great. Thanks. Pacey: Hey. Joey: Hey. So, um... I thought you were sitting this one out, Pacey. Pacey: I was... Until will showed up on my front doorstep, and, uh, just thought I should show him a good time... And... Joey: And? Pacey: And they could probably use a hand up there, so... [Opening Credits] [Scene: The Fish House. Jen is sitting at the counter going over some paperwork while Henry is bussing the area around her and they are talking.] Henry: That's the conundrum Jen: Ok. You have got to stop trying to impress me, Henry. Henry: It was the coach's idea. He said if I was gonna be hanging around you so much, I might as well help out. What? Jen: I was just wondering how many guys would spend their spring break in a fish eatery just to be in close proximity to their girlfriend. You're a saint. Henry: Well, you know what they say-- there's a fine line between saint and moron. [The waitress Shelly comes up to Jen after eying Henry.] Shelly: Who's the new b-boy? Jen: Oh, that's Henry. He's a funny little creature. Shelly: Make that a yummy little creature. He is so my type-- tall, lanky, a branch right off the DiCaprio family tree. Jen: Yeah, you think? Shelly: I definitely think. He's got that cute little ragamuffin- with-a-dream look. Makes you want to take him home and give him a bath. And then maybe hop in the tub with him, and, um... Jen: Ok. Shelly, I think that table 19 needs their check. Shelly: They just got their check. Then I'm sure that somewhere out there, somebody's in dire need of a dessert menu, huh? [Scene: In the Car. Dawson is driving to his Aunt's while Andie is in the back with Will and Pacey, grilling Will for some information.] Andie: Ok, will. Quick get-to-know-you quiz: Favorite movie? Will: Well, when I was about 5 years old, my dad took me to a revival of planet of the apes, which, if you knew my dad, is a really big thing, so... I'd have to say that ranks as my favorite. But I'm really more of a book guy. Andie: Favorite movie doesn't star Adam Sandler or Steven Seagal, and he likes to read. You sure he's your friend, Pacey? Ok, favorite book? Will: That's easy-- catcher in the rye. Salinger's a god. Andie: What do you want to be when you grow up? Will: I don't know. Just happy, I guess. Dawson: You'll get along great with my aunt Gwen. She's another Salinger freak. Will: What's your aunt Gwen like? Joey: She's an artist. A painter. She's incredibly talented. She paints, and she reads great books, and she does yoga, and... She lives life on her own terms. Andie: Is she married? Dawson: She was once, to this uptight lawyer. She had this picture-perfect suburban life, and then she met Richard, who was this crazy, bearded painter about 20 years older than her. She left her husband for him and never looked back. Pacey: We gonna get to meet this wife-stealing Picasso? Dawson: Unfortunately, their happily-ever-after only lasted a couple years. Richard died about a year ago of a heart attack. Andie: Wow. That's sad. Will: I don't know. Isn't it better to have a short time with somebody you really love than a lifetime with somebody who's basically your roommate? Just a thought. [Scene: Outside the Fish House. Mitch and Gale are there when an old friend of theirs, Megan, Comes up to them.] Megan: Hey, you two. Long time no see? Gale: Megan. Oh, my god! What are you doing in Capeside? Mitch: Hey! How are you? Gale: Where's tom? Is he outside? Megan: We should talk. Gale: I am so sorry, honey. He was a wonderful guy. Megan: He was, wasn't he? I mean, sure, we had our problems, but looking back now, it just all seems so stupid and petty. He was one of the good ones. I guess that makes me one of the lucky ones. Ok...Let me segue out of this grieving widow routine. How the hell are you guys? Mitch: Well, actually Gale: we're great. We're doing just great. Dawson's 16 now and a big bundle of precocious angst, but he's a terrific kid. Megan: I see you followed through and made the restaurant a reality. It's inspiring, really. So many dreams never come true. Oh, I almost forgot. I was rummaging through some of tom's stuff. You should have this. It's the toast from your wedding. I can still see tom staying up till 4:00 in the morning the night before, just trying to get it perfect. [Scene: Aunt Gwen's house. Aunt Gwen is singing and dancing whil cleaning when The group walks in. Dawson gets her attention.] Gwen: Come on in. Hello. Hello. Oh, Dawson! Baby, you made it! Hi! Mmm! Joey. How gorgeous did you turn out! Wow! And this must be Pacey. Pacey: I see my reputation precedes me. Gwen: Actually, we've met before. Pacey: We have? Gwen: Yeah. I wouldn't expect you to remember it. It was years ago at my sister's 4th of july picnic, and you were chasing this one around and teasing her mercilessly. And when i went to intervene, you said to me, "hey, lady, step on my buzz, why don't ya?" Boop. Andie: Ha ha ha! That sounds about right. Gwen: Which would make you...Andie? Andie: Yup. Nice to meet you, aunt Gwen. Hi. Gwen: Hi. And this... Has got to be... Jack, right? Pacey: Uh, no. Jackers couldn't make it this weekend, so, aunt Gwen, please allow me to introduce my friend, Will Krudski. Gwen: How you doin'? Huh. Friend of Pacey's. Not a good sign. Pacey: Heh heh. [Scene: Later in the evening outside the bedrrom they are all sharing. Joey and Pacey are there alone before entering the room] Pacey: Hey. Joey: Tell me, Pacey, is our conversation this week going to consist solely of monosyllabic grunts? Pacey: Jo, this is neither the time nor the place to be discussing events of weeks past. Joey: Look, who wants to discuss? I thought we agreed that it was a "no big deal." Pacey: It isn't. Joey: Fine. So... There should be no weirdness between us? Right. [They enter the room to find that they are left to share the bed together.] Pacey: You're right... But I think we may have a small problem. Joey: You've got to be kidding me. Pacey, do something about this. Pacey: Uh, Dawson. Hey, Dawson. Dawson: What? Look, uh... Pacey: What say you hop up and give Joey here your sleeping bag, huh? Dawson: And hop in the sack with you? Pacey: Essentially, yeah. Dawson: Good night, Pacey. Pacey: Andie. Andie: [Grunts, snorts] Pacey: Andie! Will: I'm not sleepin' with you, Pacey. And, Joey, I don't think we know each other well enough. No offense. Joey: None taken. Pacey: Ok, we're just gonna have to make the best of this, all right? Joey: Fine. But if I so much as feel anything Pacey: jo... Get in bed. And while you're at it, get over yourself. Joey: Pacey, get your butt away from me. Pacey: My butt wants nothing to do with your butt, ok? Gimme some of these covers, man. Jo-- jo. [Sighs] [Scene: The next morning. Pacey has just woken up and looks over at Joey peacefully sleeping. He acts like he is asleep when Gwen calls into them.] Gwen: Sleepyheads, breakfast! Joey: [Groans] oh, man. Pacey: [Yawns] [They get up and join the rest of the group in the kitchen.] Gwen: so glad you could join us, you two. I have a spectacular dinner planned for this evening, but first, I must shop, and I'm going to steal Dawson and Joey to help me. The rest of you I encourage to explore the somewhat limited charms of my humble little podunk town. We don't have much in the way of entertainment-- there's no multiplex, no monster truck show-- but we do have this kick-ass little pool hall. Will: I love to play pool. Pacey: I'm always down for some billiard action. Andie: What is it with guys and pool? It's a phallic thing, right? Will: I'll teach you. Andie: Ok. You're gonna teach me how to hit a ball with a stick? Will: There's an art to it, you know? Andie: Oh, ok. I get it. So you're, like, uh...Tom cruise, color of money? Right. Mm-hmm. [Scene: The Fish House Kitchen. Mitch is putting some bread away while Gale is trying to talk to him.] Gale: You don't have to do that, you know. Mitch: I'm just tryin' to help out. Gale: You ok? Do you want to talk? Mitch: About? Gale: What do you think? Mitch: A friend of ours died, gale. It royally sucks... But it happened. And it's really sad, but... I don't know what there is to talk about. Gale: Well, it must make you feel a certain way. I know it does me. Mitch: I wish I'd called him more. I wish he'd called me more. I wish a lot of things. Gale: You should read this. Mitch: Why? Gale: Because it's beautiful. His words. I didn't remember. It was nice to go back and see us through his eyes for a moment. Mitch: I'd rather not. Gale: What is wrong with you? Mitch: Nothing. I just don't feel like a trip down memory lane right now, that's all. [Scene: outside the Fish House. Henry is cleaning up a table and Shelly is over flirting with him. Jen sees this and goes over to them.] [Shelly giggling] Jen: hi. Shelly: Hey, Jen. How adorable is this boy? Can you tell me? Jen: Heh heh, yeah, he's dreamy. Listen, Shel, I need you to cover sections 5 and 6 today. Shelly: 5 and 6? Lindley, that's crazy talk. Jen: I'm sorry, hon. We're a little short-staffed. I need you to be a team player here. Shelly: [Sighs] bye, Henry. [She leaves] Henry: Uh...Bye. You--you know we were just talking, right? Jen: [Chuckles] well, of course you were. Henry: You just seemed a little jealous. Jen: [Chuckles] jealous? Please, Henry, I'm so not in touch with that emotion. I wouldn't even know what that would feel like. Jealous. That's ridiculous. Henry: Wh-what? It's ridiculous to think that someone else might find me to be a decent, worthwhile human being? Jen: Oh, that's not what i meant. Henry: Whatever. [Scene: The Pool Hall. Andie, Pacey and Will are playing pool, and Will is shooting really badly. So isn't Pacey.] Andie: [Chuckles] ok. Tom cruise. Color of money. Right. You suck. Pacey: Easy, McPhee. Them's fightin' words. Andie: I thought he was supposed to be this amazing pool player. Will: I never claimed to be anything. I just said i like to play. Andie: Oho. And you said, in a somewhat condescending fashion, that you'd teach me. Ahhh! Looks like i should be the one giving the lessons. What do you say, Pacey? Pacey: Maybe you should cut the guy some slack. There might just be some method to his madness. Andie: Ok. All I have to say right now is little ol' me is wipin' up the floor with the two of you. [Pacey takes a shot and the ball jumps off the table and rolls to another table. The guy there picks it up.] Pacey: [Chuckles] um, sorry, man. I just can't seem to keep those things on the table. Pool Guy: You guys interested in a game? Andie: Uh, no. [Chuckles] look, mister, these two, they're seriously deluded and totally lame, so I'm gonna set the record straight right here and now. It would be both sick and wrong to take their money. Will: We'll play. [Scene: The local store. Gwen, Dawson and Joey are there shopping. Dawson is looking at some of the posters when Gwen comes over to him.] Gwen: What are you lookin' for? Dawson: Something for my wall. Gwen: Ah, which, as I recall correctly, is plastered in wall-to-wall movie posters. You know, somehow I don't think this is gonna go with that whole film geek aesthetic you've got goin' on. Dawson: The posters are gone, actually. I took 'em all down. Gwen: Amistad wasn't that bad, honey. Dawson: [Chuckles] more like a crisis of faith, actually. Gwen: What do you mean? Dawson: Well...I guess I got tired of having this larger-than-life-dream to compensate for my smaller-than-life life. Gwen: Ok. So... The movie posters are down. Film has lost its luster. And I am detecting a significant lack of...Smooching, hand-holding, general all-around cuddliness between the two of you? So...Come on. Tell me everything. Dawson: Well, to make a long soap opera short, um, we got together Joey: which was so completely overwhelming that it forced me to retreat into this long, protracted period of soul searching. Dawson: Which sent me into a dizzying downward spiral of depression. And then I finally managed to get her back, but Joey: It was exceptionally bad timing. And then he got back from summer vacation. Dawson: The possibility of having my heart ripped out of my chest once again didn't sound as appealing as it once had, so I decided maybe it would be best just to be friends. Joey: And then he asked Pacey to look out for me. Gwen: What does Pacey have to do with it? Joey: Uh...Nothing. But...Just... There you have it. Gwen: Well, then I have just one question. Why aren't the two of you together now? [Scene: Outside the Pool Hall. Will has handed some money to Pacey and he is counting out the rest in his hand. Andie is looking at the two of them disgusted.] Andie: You hustled them! Will: And this is a big deal. Why? Andie: Because I find it morally wrong and offensive and disgusting. I mean, I didn't come here with you guys to be, you know, an accomplice to your little seedy scam. Pacey: Andy, will's a shark. He always has been. What are you gonna do? Andie: I mean, you let me think that I was good. Will: You are good. Andie: I am? Will: Sure. Andie: Ok, you're hustling me right now, aren't you? Will: Maybe. [Will hands her some money.] Andie: What's this? Will: It's your share of the take. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Outside Aunt Gwen's House. The group minus Dawson and Joey are washing a horse, while Dawson and Joey are in the Hey Loft talking to each other.] Group: [Laughing] aah! Aah! Hey! Let's clean 'em! Oh, don't! Don't! Aah! Ha ha ha! Aah! Aah! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! [Shouting and laughing continue] Dawson: Joey, do I seem different to you? Joey: What do you mean? Dawson: I've devoted all this energy to...Reinventing myself, and... [Chuckles] to be honest, I don't see where it's gotten me. I don't feel any different. Joey: Actually, you are different, Dawson. Once upon a time, you had to be the center of attention. Life revolved around you and your dreams. And recently, I've watched you fade into the background and let others shine. You're different. What? Dawson: This trip this week has... Reminded me of what we're good at. Joey: What's that? Dawson: We make sense of each other's lives. We always have. Joey: Things are changing, Dawson. People evolve, and--and... Some things drop away. Dawson: Yeah, but things don't have to be any certain way, Joey. Growing up does not have to equal growing apart. Joey: Somehow, it does. Dawson: You gotta find some faith... Faith that whatever set us off in different directions is the same thing that'll... Bring us back together. Joey: [Sighs] I take it back. You haven't changed a bit. You're still an eternal optimist, Dawson. Dawson: Maybe. It's just... I don't know. I'm starting to forget why. Joey: Why what? Dawson: Why we're not together. [Pacey shouts up to them.] Pacey: Hey, you guys want to come down and give us a hand? [Scene: Aunt Gwen's House. Joey is looking at a painting of Aunt Gwen's House, when Gwen comes up to join her.] Joey: That one's my favorite, I think. Gwen: When I was married, I was taking this art class. And the first thing the teacher said was, "close your eyes and paint your future, and the rest will take care of itself." And it did. Joey: You painted this before you lived here? Do you have any regrets? Gwen: About? Joey: The way in which you and Richard came together. Gwen: You know, Joey... I got married too young. And I sold out in a big way. I stayed in a relationship that was safe and comfortable, and then i met this man, who made me feel alive for the very first time. Those kinds of feelings just won't be ignored, you know? I owed it to myself to explore them. Come here. Now. This one... This one is my favorite. Definitely. [She shows her a picture of Joey and Dawson that she painted when they were kids. Dawson comes up to join them] Dawson: Hey. Joey: Hey. [Scene: The Fish House. Jen is at the counter taking a reservation. When Henry comes up to here a little disturbed.] Jen: Party of 7? We will have your table at 8:00, then. Thank you. Bye. Henry: Uh...Shelly just offered me s*x. I just thought-- I thought you should know about it. Jen: She what? Henry: She basically said I could have s*x with her anytime I wanted. Ap-apparently, she likes younger guys. Jen: Henry, your hands are shaking. Henry: A strange girl just offered me s*x. Th-that's never happened to me before. Jen: Well, what did you tell her? Henry: What do you think I said? I said I had a girlfriend. Jen: Do you find her attractive? Henry: Well, I--I... Jen: Well, do you or don't you? Henry: No. Jen: You know what, Henry? Go have s*x with her. Go off and make a million babies, 'cause i don't care anymore. Henry: But Jen: don't you dare tell me that I'm jealous. Henry: [Sighs] [Scene: Aunt Gwen's Porch. Will is sitting alone when Andie comes up to join him.] Andie: Oh. Might I have found the hustler in a contemplative moment? Will: Yeah. I'm contemplating my next big score. Andie: You're a mass of contradictions, Will Krudski. Will: How's that? Andie: [Chuckles] oh, come on. The well-read pool shark? The blue-collar academic? Will: [Chuckles] you read the color of my collar pretty quickly. Is it that obvious? Andie: Yeah, about as obvious as the fact that you're pretty darn smart. Will: That's nice of you to say. Andie: So, uh... What makes you so unhappy? Will: What do you mean? Andie: Well, you said that all you want to do when you grow up is be happy, so what makes you so unhappy now? Will: Too many things to mention, I guess. Andie: Okay. So, how about trying one? Will: My father. Andie: What's he like? Will: He's a jerk. He works at the factory. So, he's a total townie. Treats my mother like crap. Can't wait to get the hell away from him. I came to hang out with Pacey, because I just couldn't take it anymore. Had to get out of the house. Andie: I'm sorry, will. [Scene: The Fish House Kitchen. Gale and Mitch are there sampling some of the food.] Gale: Mmm. Too mushy. Mitch: Too crunchy. Mmm. Gale: You actually have an opinion. Last conversation we had, you didn't want to be involved. Mitch: Just because I'm not talking doesn't mean I'm not thinking. Gale: And just because we're not married doesn't mean we can't talk. Mitch: Maybe that is what it does mean. Gale: I can't believe you are saying this, Mitch. Mitch: Why not? Why would I want to rely on you? Trust you? Gale: Because if nothing else, I am your friend. Mitch: If we were such great friends, Wouldn't we be married right now? [Ding] [Scene: Aunt Gwen's House. They are singing to the Karaoke machine. Dawson is just watching them from the couch smiling.] Group: Louis, Louis oh, oh, oh, oh we gotta go oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah Louis, Louis oh, oh, oh, oh we gotta go ooh, child, things are gonna get easier ooh, ch-- [laughing] Andie: ha ha ha! Things are gonna get brighter someday! [Gutturally] Pacey: Wild thing you made my heart sing you made everything-uh groovy-uh [imitating Elvis Presley] wild thing, I think i love you. Gwen: And now I'd like to bring up two of my very favorite people to perform their very own special number. Dawson and Joey! Whoo! Dawson: God help--I'm not gonna sing. Gwen: Get up here. Come on, Joey. Dawson: Ready? Andie: Whoo! Dawson: Oh, no. Joey and Dawson: Oh, I could hide both: 'Neath the wings of the bluebird as she sings 6 o'clock alarm will never ring I can't believe we're doin' this. Oh, but it rings and I rise wipe the sleep out of my eyes the shaving razor's cold and it stings ha ha! Cheer up, sleepy jean oh, what can it mean to a daydream believer and a homecoming queen? [Pacey gets up and leaves] [Scene: The Fish House. Shelly is there flirting with Henry again, when Jen notices her and is visibly upset by this. She goes hurriedly over to them.] [Chuckling] Jen: All right, shelly, that's it. Get your boobs away from him. Shelly: What is your problem? Jen: This is my boyfriend that you're fawning all over, and I don't appreciate it. Shelly: Why didn't you tell me? I mean Jen: B-because I have issues. Ok? Clearly. Listen, the point is that he's not yours. He's mine. And I have looked all over the place for one like him, and I'm not giving him up without a fight. So should choose to continue draping yourself all over him like the slutty wench that you are, you and me, we're gonna throw down. Happy now? I'm jealous. [Scene: Outside Aunt Gwen's House. Pacey is sitting alone by a fire, when Joey comes up to join him.] Joey: Are you ok? Pacey: Not so much, no. Joey: Well, what's wrong? Pacey: Well... It's the history. It's killin' me. How can a guy compete when the two of you have your own karaoke Joey: Pacey, you're not supposed to compete. We're supposed to have our own hist-- I didn't mean that. Pacey: Well, what did you mean? Joey: I don't even know anymore, Pacey. Pacey: You know this little arrangement we got goin' between us? Joey: Yes? Pacey: Well, it sucks. It sucks up one side and down the other. It's uncomfortable, it's weird, and I hate every single second of it. Joey: Really. Pacey: Yes. Joey: Then why did you come here, Pacey? Pacey: You know, for a bright girl, you can be really daft sometimes. Why do you think i came here? I came here to be with you! It's as simple as that. I mean, when you like somebody, proximity is a good thing, regardless of how they feel about you. Or don't, as the case may be. Joey: But I felt it. Pacey: What? Joey: This morning. Your arm brushed up against me in bed, and... And I felt it. Pacey: How did it feel? Joey: Made me feel alive. Pacey: Ok. Joey... I'm going to kiss you now. Joey: You can't. Pacey: Jo, you can't say something like that to me and expect me not to kiss you, so that's exactly what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna kiss you in about 10 seconds. And if you don't want me to kiss you... Well, if you don't want me to, I guess then you're just gonna have to stop me. 10. [Woman clearing throat] Joey: [whispering] my god. Pacey: [Sighs] I think maybe I should head inside and sing myself some more karaoke. 'Cause lord knows, that's what I want to be doing right now, is singing myself some karaoke. Gwen: That's a splendid idea, Pacey. Well, um... At least now I understand why you and Dawson aren't together. Joey: Ok. Uh...[Chuckles]... I know you just saw that, and...I can explain Gwen: what i just saw is none of my business. But I think you should tell Dawson. It was just a mistake. Something tells me that when you kiss a boy, it's not a mistake. You should know I am the last person on earth that's gonna judge you. But you cannot be reckless with someone else's feelings. What if that had been Dawson that had seen you and not me? I mean, do you think he'd ever be able to erase that from his mind? Joey: [Sighs] [Scene: Inside Aunt Gwen's House. Pacey is sitting there, where Andie comes up to join him.] Pacey: Hey. Andie: You ok, Pacey? You seem a little, uh, storm cloudy. Pacey: Uh...Just thinking that maybe now would be a good time to start up that debilitating drug habit I've always wanted. Just kidding. Andie: You know, your, uh, your friend will. [Chuckles] he's not at all what I expected. He's really sweet. Pacey: Yeah. He's a good guy. I mean, he and his family moved away a long time ago, but we've managed to keep in pretty good contact, I guess. Once you bond over dysfunctional dad issues, there's no turnin' back. Andie: Yeah. He told me about his father. It's pretty sad. Pacey: He told you? Andie: Yeah. Pacey: Do you like him or something? Andie: Maybe! Maybe not. Who knows, Pacey? But don't you think it's better to just be honest and open about things like this? I mean, who wants to carry around this burden of guilt over moving on? Which, by nature, has to happen. I want you to be happy, Pacey. Pacey: Yeah. [sighs heavily] [Scene: The Fish House backroom. Henry is looking around for Jen. You can hear crying from a storage room.] Henry: Jen? Jen: In here. Just follow the trail of loser dust. Henry: What are you doin' in here? Jen: [Sniffles] isn't it pretty obvious? I made an ass out of myself. Thus, I'm hiding. Henry: Why are you crying? Jen: I don't know. Oh, god, I hate crying. This is such a girl thing to do. Henry: But you're such a girl. Jen: [Sobs] Henry: such a cute girl. Jen: Stop. You're not supposed to say sweet nothings. You're supposed to be mad. Henry: I am. That doesn't mean I'm not curious about what's going on in that busy head of yours. Jen: You were right...Henry. I was jealous, and... And it really freaked me out. Henry: Why? Jealousy's a pretty natural human emotion. Jen: You don't understand. I've... I've spent years building this... This complex series of--of booby traps so that...Nobody would ever get too close. [Half chuckles, half sobs] and then you came along... With that big beating heart of yours, and... You broke all those walls down, and it's just really scary. I mean... What if I lose you? Henry: You know, Jen, I was... I was kinda glad that you were jealous. You have nothing to worry about... 'Cause I'm not goin' anywhere. And if I die tomorrow, so be it. At least I died knowing my biggest dream came true. Jen: What's that? Henry: Seeing you in lingerie. [Chuckles] [both chuckle] [Scene: The Fish House. It is closed now. Gale is going over some receipts when Mitch comes up tp her.] Mitch: would you mind... Coming with me for a second? Gale: Ok. [He brings her to the bar where he has a tape of their wedding playing on the TV.] Mitch: I was reading the toast... And I got this urge to see him again. you're right. It was beautiful. I had to let you go. I wanted you to stay, but... You said no. You went to Philly, and... I had to let you go. Gale: Well, what does that have to do with anything? Mitch: More than you realize. To remember what we were is painful for me. Gale: Uh, yesterday... I was looking at Megan... This woman who had lost the love of her life. Suddenly... Our problems just seemed... Mitch: Trivial? Gale: Or even passed. [Scene: Inside Aunt Gwen's House. Dawson is looking at some pictures of him an Joey as kids, when Joey comes into the room.] Joey: Oh... Dawson: Hey. Take a look at these. [Chuckles] what a dork I was. Joey: No, you weren't. Well... Maybe a little. [Chuckles] can we talk? Dawson: Yeah. What's up? Joey: Well, uh-- um... Gwen: Sorry. I'm interrupting something. I can Joey: actually, no. It's--it's ok. We'll...Talk later. Dawson: Ok. [Joey Leaves, and Gwen hands the painting of Him and Joey as kids.] Gwen: I brought you something for your wall. Thought maybe it would help you find your way back. Dawson: Way back to what? Gwen: Well... Back to those things that made you this little... Daydream believer. Look, Dawson, I know you can't see it right now, but you are a very talented young man with a rich and powerful imagination. Your dreams are... They're an asset, not a weakness. Dawson: But I just--I can't find the inspiration anymore. It's easy for you. The evidence of your talent is all around you. Gwen: This... Is not my talent. Dawson, when my time is up, I want to know that i did one thing well-- loved somebody. The rest of this is just... An expression of that one thing. What's your one thing? Dawson: Uh...[Chuckles] Gwen: ok. Close your eyes. Mm-hmm. Now... Paint your future. What do you see? [Scene: Outside Aunt Gwen's House. Pacey is sitting alone by the fire again when Joey comes up to join him again.] Pacey: You don't have to worry. I'm not gonna kiss you again, jo. What's goin' on here? Joey: I don't know. Pacey: [Chuckles] don't you think I deserve a better answer than that after all this? Joey: Pacey, believe me, I've been trying to get you out of my head. I've tried to pretend that this is just some bizarre hormonal glitch, but it's not working. Pacey: Do you really want it to work? Joey: I tried to tell him. Pacey: Really. Joey: Yes! Pacey: What happened? Joey: Well-- I couldn't really find the words, Pacey, which I know is odd, considering the sheer volume of words spoken throughout the course of our relationship, but Pacey: what would you have said to him? Joey: [Sighs] I don't know. Pacey: I don't believe you. Joey: Pacey... I don't have any answers right now, ok? Can't you understand that? Pacey: The only reason that you don't have answers is because you've been too scared to ask yourself the right questions. Joey: What are you talking about? Pacey: Look, I know how I feel. You know how I feel. That much is obvious by now. But during this whole process, we've managed to miss the point, because the point is not how i feel. It's how you feel. So how do you feel? Joey: Awful. That's how I feel, Pacey. I feel awful. Pacey: So do I. When I was kissing you tonight, I don't think that I've ever felt better and worse at one time in my entire life. I mean, the very idea that Dawson or Andie would find out about us is killing me. It--it is tearing me up on the inside to have these feelings for you, but I can't get rid of them. [Sighs] I jus-- I can't keep on kissing you, jo. Joey: What do you mean? Pacey: I mean just that. I can't keep on kissing you. All right? I've done it twice now. I can't be the one that's always initiating this. I can't be the one who's always giving you the answers. [Sniffles] look at me, Joey. Joey: I can't. Pacey: Please. If you felt... Even one shred... Of what I feel for you... Then we wouldn't be standing here having this conversation. Joey: Pacey... [Joey goes up to him and starts kissing him.]

Dawson, Joey, Andie, Pacey and Will (a childhood friend of the gang who has remained close with Pacey) head to Dawson's aunt's house to spend their school holiday away from Capeside. The trip is filled with tension as Joey and Pacey attempt to fight their feelings. Andie and Will appear to have a connection, and Dawson tries to bond again with Joey, who is preoccupied by her feelings for Pacey. Encouraged by Dawson's aunt, the friends have a karaoke contest. Pacey kisses Joey again and informs her that she must make the next move. They are interrupted by Dawson's aunt but later Joey initiates a kiss with Pacey. Back in Capeside, Jen and Henry go through a bumpy time when she is consumed with jealously over his friendship with a waitress at Gail's restaurant.

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2.19 - Teach Me Tonight OPEN IN DOOSE'S MARKET [Lorelai and Rory are standing in the checkout line. Lorelai flips through a crossword puzzle book] LORELAI: I hate crossword puzzles. They make me feel stupid. RORY: Then don't do them. LORELAI: Well, but if you don't do them, you're not only stupid, you're also a coward. RORY: Or you have better things to do with your time. LORELAI: You think people will buy that? RORY: The people who line up on a daily basis and ask you if you do crossword puzzles and then, when you say no, challenge you as to why? Yes, I think they will buy it. LORELAI: Oh, hey, look, new bag boy. RORY: Oh yeah, that's Marty. He's subbing for Dean while he's out of town. LORELAI: Wow, Marty does the jar twirl before putting the salsa in the bag. Impressive, very Cocktail. RORY: Marty's a nice guy. LORELAI: Marty's an ambitious snake in the grass. RORY: What? LORELAI: The jar twirl, the double bagging, the have a nice day, ma'am' after every customer. . .that guy's got an agenda. RORY: Which is? LORELAI: He's out to take Dean's job! RORY: I don't think so. LORELAI: Oh, yes, he is. I'm telling you, he wants that position. Dean better hurry back from his grandmother's house or he can kiss his job goodbye. RORY: They're not going to fire Dean. LORELAI: Really, why not? RORY: Well, for starter's, someone stole Taylor's ladder last week and Dean is the only one who can reach the top shelves. LORELAI: Huh, interesting. RORY: What? LORELAI: Just as Marty, aka Eve Harrington, shows up trying to take Dean's job, Taylor's ladder mysteriously disappears, suddenly making Dean invaluable no matter what fancy tricks Lon Chaney Junior over there pulls. Good thinking, Dean smart thinking, my friend. RORY: You need to start napping in the afternoons. LORELAI: Hey Taylor, pulling double duty today? TAYLOR: Oh, I like to fill in behind the register every now and then. It keeps me in contact with the clientele. Also, it allows me to keep an eye on the take a penny' pot here, make sure people aren't pocketing those pennies for their own personal gain but are legitimately using them to make exact change. RORY: Oh cool. Mom, look. LORELAI: Oh yeah, it's Movie in the Square night again, great. RORY: We'll be there. TAYLOR: Ah, excellent. There you are. LORELAI: What's the movie this year? TAYLOR: Oh, it's going to be something really great. LORELAI: Really, what? TAYLOR: A real winner. LORELAI: What's it called? TAYLOR: Well, show up and be surprised. LORELAI: Why don't you tell me what the movie is? TAYLOR: No. LORELAI: Why not? TAYLOR: Because. LORELAI: Because why? What is the. . .oh no. TAYLOR: There is a line behind you. LORELAI: You chose The Yearling again? TAYLOR: It is a fine, wholesome motion picture. Moving story, lovely scenes of nature. LORELAI: You've shown The Yearling the last three years in a row! TAYLOR: You know something, I'm getting a little tired of hearing you complain about this every single year. LORELAI: I'm tired, too. Pick another movie. TAYLOR: A lot of hard work and careful planning go into those nights. You never help plan, you never volunteer, you have never once been a ticket ripper as long as I have been involved in that function. Personally, missy, if you can't participate with a smile and a hug, then you shouldn't participate at all. LORELAI: I shouldn't, but I am. Pick another movie. TAYLOR: No! LORELAI: Taylor, there's millions of great movies out there. Any one of them would be better than The Yearling for the fourth time. TAYLOR: Fine, you do it! LORELAI: What? TAYLOR: You pick the movie. LORELAI: Seriously? TAYLOR: I've had it. You have such strong opinions about everything, you go out and try to find a movie that everybody will enjoy. It's all yours. I relinquish my movie picking crown to you. LORELAI: He relinquished his crown. RORY: I heard. LORELAI: I got his crown. RORY: And it looks great on you. LORELAI: Cool, this is gonna be fun! Let's go home and make popcorn and pick which movie we're gonna show. RORY: I get to help? LORELAI: Of course. RORY: Oh, and can I borrow the crown? LORELAI: I don't know, honey. We'll have to see. [opening credits] CUT TO LORELAI'S HOUSE [In Rory's bedroom, Lorelai is sitting on Rory's bed putting on makeup as Rory stands in front of the mirror] LORELAI: The Wizard of Oz. RORY: The Sting. LORELAI: Rocky. RORY: Crimes and Misdemeanors. LORELAI: The Singing Detective. RORY: That was a miniseries. LORELAI: So? RORY: So it's like six hours long. LORELAI: Good point. Ooh, I got it! Arthur. RORY: Yes! LORELAI: Or Sophie's Choice. RORY: Very similar. LORELAI: Oh man, I can't choose, there's too many great movies. The burden is overwhelming. I'm sinking under the pressure. My grasp on reality is slipping. I can't do it, I can't hold on, I just can't, I just. . .ooh, hey, how about Cabin Boy? [phone rings] RORY: Will you get that? LORELAI: No. RORY: Why not? LORELAI: Time? RORY: 6:45. LORELAI: On? RORY: Wednesday. Ooh! [answers phone] Dad, hi! CHRISTOPHER: Hey kiddo, what's going on? RORY: Not much. Just getting ready for school and trying to think up movies. CHRISTOPHER: Movies for what? RORY: Our town does this big movie festival outdoors every year and this year Mom gets to pick the movie. CHRISTOPHER: Oh yeah? How'd she get that gig? RORY: She ticked off the guy that usually does it and he quit. CHRISTOPHER: Sounds about right. RORY: So how are things there? How's Sherry? CHRISTOPHER: Oh, uh, nothing much is going on here. Same ol', same ol'. Hey, listen, uh, I've gotta cut this talk short but I sent you an email, so read it and add an extra forty minutes onto my time for next week's call, deal? RORY: Deal. Do you wanna say hello to Mom before you go? CHRISTOPHER: Uh, no, I can't, I really need to run. You say hello for me. RORY: Okay. CHRISTOPHER: Okay, I'll talk to you Wednesday. Bye Sweetie. RORY: Bye Dad. [hangs up] He says hello. LORELAI: He does not. RORY: So, are you gonna tell me what it is you two are fighting about? LORELAI: I'm not fighting. RORY: Okay, are you gonna tell me what it is you're not fighting about that keeps you from talking to each other ever again? LORELAI: What about Desperately Seeking Susan? RORY: What about, my mother is two? LORELAI: Never saw it Angie Dickinson? RORY: You're impossible. LORELAI: You're right. You're Impossible was the one with Angie Dickinson. RORY: Fine, forget it, I give. Stay in a fight, I don't care. I'm late for school. We'll finish the list later. LORELAI: After school, Luke's? RORY: I'll be there. LORELAI: Bye hon. RORY: Bye. CUT TO STARS HOLLOW HIGH CLASSROOM [Students are taking a test.] TEACHER: Fifteen minutes left. [Jess sneaks in and sits behind Lane] JESS: Lane. . .Lane. LANE: Sh. JESS: I need a pencil. LANE: I don't have one. JESS: Then I need a pen. LANE: You only have fifteen minutes left. JESS: Then I need the answers. LANE: There's a pen in my bag. JESS: I can't go through your bag. LANE: Yes, you can. JESS: My mother told me never go through a lady's bag. . .at least, not until you're a couple blocks away. I'm just kidding, she never said that. Though it sounds like pretty good advice, doesn't it? LANE: Take it and shut up. [hands him a pen] JESS: Well, I tell you, it's true small towns sure are friendly. CUT TO PRINCIPAL'S OFFICE [There's a knock at the door.] PRINCIPAL: Come in. [Luke walks in] LUKE: Yeah, I got a call you wanted to see me. I'm, uh, Luke Danes Jess Mariano's uncle. PRINCIPAL: Jess Mariano. Ah yes, come in. LUKE: Thanks. So is everything okay? I didn't see any cop cars or fire trucks out front so. . . PRINCIPAL: Mr. Danes, please have a seat. LUKE: A seat? So this is a seat thing. Okay, what's he done? PRINCIPAL: Why do you assume he's done something? LUKE: Oh, I don't know. You're staring at a folder that's looking a little thick there. I get a call to come right over here and talk to you, so why don't you just tell me what he's done? PRINCIPAL: Nothing. LUKE: Nothing? PRINCIPAL: No homework, no class participation, his attendance record is erratic at best. His attitude towards his teachers, it ranges from indifferent to hostile. He shows no interest in school activities or other students, and there is the issue of the disappearing baseballs. LUKE: The what? PRINCIPAL: Every baseball on campus seems to have disappeared. LUKE: Oh, come on, you don't think Jess seriously. . . I'll check when I get home. PRINCIPAL: I appreciate that. Now, I don't suspect we'll solve every problem in one meeting, so let's focus on the most important one his grades. LUKE: Not good? PRINCIPAL: Not good. LUKE: Well, I'll have a talk with him about that. PRINCIPAL: You're gonna have to do a lot more than talk to him. You're gonna have to help him. LUKE: Me? Oh, no, I'm not the one you want helping him. I went to this school I'm sure there's still a note stuffed in there about me with the words trade school' stamped in really big letters. PRINCIPAL: Well, if you can't help him, you're gonna have to find someone who can. LUKE: Like who? PRINCIPAL: A relative. LUKE: I don't think so. Believe me, I'm the Einstein of the clan. PRINCIPAL: Well, maybe you need to hire a tutor. LUKE: A tutor? Oh geez. PRINCIPAL: Mr. Danes, Jess is flunking out. He's not going to make it. Now, if something it not done about that right now, he's going to repeat this year. I'm sorry, but that's where we are. LUKE: Okay, well, if that's where we are, then I'll just have to figure something out. PRINCIPAL: Good. And let's not forget about those baseballs. LUKE: Right. PRINCIPAL: Been using tennis balls for a couple of weeks. LUKE: Wow. PRINCIPAL: Very different results. LUKE: I'm sure it is. CUT TO LUKE'S DINER [Lorelai and Rory are sitting at the counter going through a list of movies] LORELAI: If we take off Fletch and Urban Cowboy, we still have seventy-five possibilities. RORY: How are we gonna pick just one? LORELAI: I don't know. Maybe we should do like a movie marathon weekend. You know, just show one movie after the other for three days and charge everyone a fortune, gauge them of bottled water, have those really little disgusting bathrooms it'd be like our own Woodstock. TAYLOR: Ah, good, there you are. I have something for you. LORELAI: What? TAYLOR: This. [puts a large binder on the counter] LORELAI: Geez. TAYLOR: Now, when you get through this and make your decision, the number of the man you need to contact is inside on the first page. LORELAI: What man? What is this? TAYLOR: That is the list of titles that are available for you to pick from for the movie night. LORELAI: The list of titles? I'm sorry, can't we just pick our own movie? TAYLOR: You're not serious? LORELAI: Not often, but just there yeah, I had some serious going. TAYLOR: My dear girl, movies are expensive and we get fabulous deals with this particular place. They have a wide selection and they're very friendly and since it all goes to charity, they agree to give us anything on that list for free. LORELAI: So we have to pick a movie off this list? TAYLOR: Oh, it's fun. They put the movie title over here and a brief description of the storyline over here and believe me, there are some excellent movies on that list. Really, top notch. LORELAI: Arctic Flight man with plane flies charter to Alaska, hired by bear hunter who turns out to be Russian spy, love story develops with pilot and school teachers, Eskimos do tribal dance. You made this up. TAYLOR: Don't I wish. Okay, well, I can't wait to see what you come up with. Bye girls. LORELAI: Bye. RORY: Killer Shark. LORELAI: Oh. RORY: Shark fisherman on ocean, Mexican cantina with tequila and Mariachi music, has good scene of catching and cleaning shark. LORELAI: Where Are Your Children? Hip music and singing about kids getting into trouble, sneaking booze into clubs, stealing car, fight between girls, romance starts then guy goes in the Navy. RORY: Huh. Sudden Danger mom dies of gas asphyxiation, son blamed, good kiss scene. LORELAI: Suspense ice skater falls in love with hired help. Well, at least now I know how Snow Dogs got made. [Luke walks into the diner] LUKE: Hey. Listen, have you seen Jess? RORY: I think I saw him go upstairs earlier. LUKE: Oh, great, thanks. CUT TO LUKE'S APARTMENT [Luke walks in as Jess is going through his CDs] LUKE: Oh, good, you're here. So, you file those under the band names? JESS: Genre. LUKE: Right, genre, that makes sense, makes a lot of sense. Oh, what is that? Something for school? JESS: Nope. LUKE: Oh, well, shouldn't you be reading something for school? JESS: Why? LUKE: I don't know. I mean, I know you like reading and since you like reading, you might as well read something you're gonna get graded on so you can get graded on something you like because you like reading. JESS: What are you babbling about? LUKE: I went to see your principal today. JESS: Huh. LUKE: He says you're flunking out. He says you're not showing up for class. He says you stole their baseballs. You stole their baseballs? Why would you do that? What could you possibly need five hundred baseballs for? JESS: Can we talk about this later? LUKE: Why, you got a big Frisbee heist going down at six? Jess, Mr. Mertin said if you don't start doing better, they're not gonna let you be a senior. JESS: Bummer. LUKE: They're gonna hold you back. JESS: Well, at least I'll know where my classes are. LUKE: Jess, this is serious. You're flunking out. You're looking at being in the eleventh grade for the rest of your life. You're gonna be the kid in the back of the room with a beard and a racing form babbling incoherently about Steely Dan. JESS: Steely Dan? LUKE: The group may change, the freak in the back never does. JESS: I'm going out. LUKE: Don't you wanna go to college? JESS: Don't wait up. LUKE: What do you wanna be when you grow up? JESS: About twenty miles south of wherever you are. LUKE: You have to think about the future. If you don't get through high school, who's gonna hire you? You're not gonna have any skills. JESS: Stop. LUKE: How you gonna work, huh? How you gonna eat? How you gonna pay rent? What are you gonna do, Jess? JESS: Geez, I don't know, maybe I'll work in a diner. CUT TO LORELAI'S HOUSE [Lorelai is sitting at the kitchen table going through the book of movie titles as Rory walks in] LORELAI: Marshmallow? RORY: Thank you. LORELAI: Okay, I have now finished going through every single one of these movies. I've read them, reviewed their merits, and I'm proud to announce that I have chosen our movie. How does The Yearling sound to you? RORY: Perfect. LORELAI: And buh-bye. [there's a knock at the front door] LORELAI: Oh, that must be Pauline Kale rising from the dead. RORY: Tell her hey. [Lorelai goes to answer the door, Luke is standing on the porch with a box] LORELAI: Pauline! LUKE: What? LORELAI: Never mind. What are you doing here? LUKE: Uh, I made some brownies, I thought you might like some. LORELAI: Oh, gee, since I just ate half a bag of marshmallows, six Pop Tarts, four bagel dogs and a really stale Cheese Nip yup, it's brownie time, thanks. Hey, here's a question for you. LUKE: Yeah? LORELAI: Well, you probably have a diner full of people who would love these brownies plus, I bet they'd pay you for them. LUKE: Well, I accidentally dropped triple the amount of cocoa powder in the batter so I either had to dump the batch or find someone with some sort of superhuman chocolate tolerance only one name came to mind. LORELAI: God, I love being special. What? LUKE: Nothing. I just. . .hey, uh, is Rory here by any chance? LORELAI: Yeah, she's in her room. LUKE: Can I talk to her for a sec? LORELAI: Sure, go right ahead. LUKE: Hey, thanks. [knocks on Rory's door] Rory, it's Luke. Can I come in for a minute? RORY: [opens door] Hey, what's up? LUKE: Not much. Can I . . . RORY: Uh, yeah, come on in. LUKE: So I see you're studying. RORY: Yup. LUKE: That's good. Studying is very, very good. What you're doing right there with the books, very good. RORY: Thank you. LUKE: Okay, look, I wanted to ask you a favor. Oh. Uh. I was wondering if you could tutor Jess. RORY: What? LUKE: He's not doing too well in school. The principal said he's not gonna let him move on unless something changes. I was wondering if you could help. RORY: That doesn't make any sense, he's smart enough to pass any subject. LUKE: I don't think it's his lack of smarts, more like his lack of proximity to the actual classes that's the problem. RORY: Ah. LUKE: Yes. RORY: Okay, what subject does he need help in? LUKE: I'd say all of them, probably. RORY: Huh. LUKE: Look, I don't expect you to work miracles and it doesn't have to be a full time everyday thing. If you could just get him through a couple of his next tests, maybe make the school see that he can do it, that would probably help out a lot. RORY: Sure. LUKE: Great, tonight? RORY: Tonight. LUKE: I really appreciate this. Ah, okay, you should get back to your studying, otherwise you're completely useless to me. [walks into kitchen] Okay, so I'll see you guys at dinner probably. LORELAI: Wait, hold on what was that all about? LUKE: Oh, Rory's gonna tutor Jess. LORELAI: She is? LUKE: Yeah, just for a little while, help get him on the right track. LORELAI: Wow. LUKE: Okay, I should be getting back. Enjoy the brownies, I'll see if I can screw up a cake for you later on. LORELAI: Sounds great. [Luke leaves] LORELAI: Hm. [Lorelai follows Luke out into the front yard] LORELAI: Hey Luke, hang on just a sec. LUKE: Yeah? LORELAI: Um, listen, about Rory doing this tutoring thing. LUKE: I really appreciate it, by the way. LORELAI: I know you do. I just. . .Rory's so sweet and she would never say no to anyone cause she loves to help, but I'm not sure if it's the best idea. LUKE: Why not? LORELAI: Well, she's got her own studies to worry about. LUKE: I know, and I promise this is not gonna take up all her time. It's just for a little while. LORELAI: Okay, but - . LUKE: Plus, Rory's pretty serious about school. I don't think she'd say she had the time if she didn't. LORELAI: I know, Rory is a great student, but she's just a kid. Don't you need like a professional tutor to help with Jess? You know, somebody with a degree and a pipe and one of those coats with the elbow patches on it? LUKE: I need someone Jess is gonna listen to, someone he's gonna. . .I don't know, look up to. That sure isn't me and it sure isn't some tutor. He likes Rory and Rory's on the path that I'd like to see Jess on school and college. He needs to see somebody he respects doing what he should be doing and Rory's the only person I can think of who fits that description. LORELAI: Yeah, but you don't know for sure that he'll listen to Rory. LUKE: No, but I gotta do something, don't I? I mean, what would you do if you were me? LORELAI: Nuh. Okay, just make sure it's not too much time, okay? LUKE: I will. LORELAI: Okay. LUKE: Enjoy the brownie. LORELAI: Mm. [Luke leaves; Lorelai tries the brownie and makes a face] LORELAI: Oh my God. Mmm, that's good. CUT TO LUKE'S DINER [Lorelai and Rory are sitting at a table as Kirk walks up to them] KIRK: Ah, Lorelai, good. I need one minute of your time. LORELAI: I'll give you two because you scare me. KIRK: I hear through the grapevine that you are the one in charge of selecting the movie for this year's movie night? LORELAI: Yes, I am. KIRK: Okay, well, I don't know if you know this about me, but I have great creative ambitions. LORELAI: I did not know that about you, Kirk. KIRK: It's true. Don't get me wrong, I love the blue collar work. I enjoy the plight of the every man. But as much as the mail letter delivered and the DSL line installed and the latest J. Lo flick rented fills me with a deep sense of pride, in my soul I am Akira Kurosawa. LORELAI: Seven Samurai, great movie. KIRK: Excuse me? LORELAI: Seven Samurai. KIRK: I'm sorry, I don't . LORELAI: Akira Kurosawa directed Seven Samurai. It's a great Japanese movie. KIRK: Japanese movie? No, I'm sorry, I have the wrong person. Who's the guy who directed all those Facts of Life's? LORELAI: I don't . KIRK: Asaad Kelada, sorry. In my soul I know I am Asaad Kelada. LORELAI: What do you need from me, Kirk? KIRK: I've made a short film that I've been working on for about five years now and if I rush, I can have done my Thursday night. I'm very proud of it, and I was wondering if you would consider screening it before the movie tomorrow. It would mean a great deal to my career. LORELAI: Well, uh, what kind of movie is it? KIRK: Oh, you mean is it blue? No, perfectly PG. LORELAI: Uh huh. KIRK: It's not exactly Babe, it's more like Babe 2. LORELAI: Got it. KIRK: Same pig, harder edge. LORELAI: Okay, Kirk, I hear you. I wanna help you. Let me think about it and I'll get back to you. KIRK: Here's a copy of the film. Take a look and call me. And remember, I can edit out two of the hells but I need to keep all the damns. It's a street cred thing. LORELAI: Bye Kirk. [Kirk leaves] LORELAI: Well, at least now I have something fun to do tonight. RORY: You're not watching that without me. LORELAI: Okay, I'll wait. So, um. . .ooh, do you wanna get some pie? RORY: No, I'm full. LORELAI: Coffee? How bout some coffee? RORY: I'm good. LORELAI: Hot chocolate? RORY: No, thanks. LORELAI: Egg cream? Now, I never had an egg cream but it sounds just disgusting enough to be fabulous. RORY: We're just going to study. LORELAI: I know. RORY: And we'll be right here doing it. LORELAI: I know. RORY: So all this stalling is completely unnecessary. LORELAI: I know. RORY: So go. LORELAI: I will. Just finishing up the coffee that I paid for already. All right, that's enough, I'm going. Goodbye. RORY: Bye. Um, Mom? LORELAI: Yeah? RORY: Listen, just in case, and I don't think he will, but if Dean calls, will you tell him I'm with Lane? LORELAI: I thought you said this was nothing. RORY: It is nothing. LORELAI: That you guys were just studying. RORY: We are. LORELAI: Then how come I have to lie to Dean? RORY: Well, you know as well as I do that it's not gonna be okay with Dean if I'm studying with Jess. LORELAI: Then maybe you shouldn't be. I mean, if you feel weird enough about it that I have to lie to Dean. RORY: I'm not asking you to lie to Dean. LORELAI: You told me to tell him that you're with Lane. RORY: Well, that was just because . LORELAI: I don't see Lane here sounds like a lie to me. RORY: Fine, forget it. Just don't answer the phone. LORELAI: Hello, I get calls there, too. I'm not whatever happened to Baby Jane?' yet, thank you very much. RORY: Just tell him that I'm studying, which is what I am doing, so you will not be lying, okay? [Jess walks over to them] JESS: Hey Teach. RORY: Hey. JESS: You guys done yet? LORELAI: Just not yet. JESS: Okay, well, I'll be right over there when you are. I just can't wait for that learning to begin. Hey, are we gonna do some of those Schoolhouse Rocks songs? RORY: I'll be right there, Jess. JESS: Cause they say if you just make learning fun. . . LORELAI: Give us a minute, okay? JESS: Well, hurry a mind is a terrible thing to waste. RORY: I'll be home early. LORELAI: Fine. Bye. RORY: Bye. LORELAI: Bye Jess. JESS: Ma'am. [Lorelai leaves] RORY: So, are you ready to start? JESS: Yes, I am. RORY: Where are your books? JESS: Huh, I don't know. RORY: How are we gonna study without your books? JESS: I guess we can't. Too bad. So, what now movie? RORY: Get your books. JESS: The cat ate them. RORY: Get your books or I'm going home. JESS: Wait there. [does magic trick] CUT TO THE DINER LATER THAT NIGHT [Rory and Jess are sitting at a table. Rory is going through a book as Jess plays with a deck of cards.] RORY: Explain to me the political ramifications of the Marshall Plan. JESS: Pick a card. [Rory throws the whole deck on the floor] Huh, well, that just made the trick a little bit harder. RORY: Jess, focus. JESS: Where's Dean tonight? RORY: We just went over this. There's no way you already forgot it. JESS: Work? RORY: I will make you write it out fifty times on the specials board if that's what it takes. JESS: Cause if he's not at work, he must be free, so he doesn't care that you're here? RORY: No, he doesn't. He's visiting his grandmother. JESS: Where? RORY: Chicago. JESS: So he doesn't know. RORY: It wouldn't matter. JESS: So you'll tell him when he gets back? RORY: We're studying. JESS: You're studying, I'm prying into your personal life. RORY: Jess, why won't you at least try to remember the Marshall Plan? JESS: Have you ever read "Please Kill Me"? RORY: No. JESS: Oral history of the punk movement. You'd like it you can borrow it if you want. RORY: I'm here to help you study. Now, if you want me to go, I'll go, but if I'm going to stay, then you will stop distracting me and start paying attention, understand? JESS: I understand. RORY: Good. And yes, I would like to borrow it, thank you very much. Now open your book. CUT TO DINER LATER THAT NIGHT [Jess finishes writing something on a notepad, then hands it to Rory] JESS: Done. RORY: This isn't Shakespeare. JESS: It's not? RORY: It's the words to a Clash song. JESS: Ah, now, but which Clash song? RORY: Hey, I'm not the one being tested right now. JESS: Ten seconds. RORY: Jess. JESS: Nine, eight, seven. RORY: Stop it. JESS: Six, five, four. RORY: You know you're really starting to. . . JESS: Three. RORY: Ooh, ooh, Guns of Brixton! JESS: A plus. RORY: Why would you even agree to this studying thing in the first place? JESS: Because Luke said I had to. RORY: You've never done anything because someone said you had to. JESS: I moved here because someone said I had to. RORY: Very different. JESS: Yeah, well. . .hey, do you wanna get outta here? RORY: What? JESS: I'm sick of studying. RORY: How can you be sick of studying? You haven't done any studying. You've done card tricks, you've made coffee, you've tried to explain to me how on earth Coldplay could be considered an alternative band, but as of yet, no studying. JESS: That's your car? RORY: Yes, it is. JESS: Okay, tell you what. Let's go get some ice cream, and then when we get back, I'll study. RORY: This is a diner, there's ice cream here. JESS: Yes, but we don't have any cones. RORY: Cones? JESS: I need cones. RORY: Well, so, if we go get ice cream. . . JESS: In cones. RORY: Then you will be a perfect student for the rest of the night? JESS: That's right. RORY: I could not believe you less. Here, you drive, I'll read you Othello. Won't that be fun? JESS: You have no idea how much. CUT TO INSIDE RORY'S CAR [Jess and Rory are each eating an ice cream cone] JESS: Admit it, it's always better in a cone. RORY: It's always better in a cone. JESS: Putting ice cream in a dish, eating it with a spoon? RORY: What is wrong with people? JESS: Hold the wheel. RORY: What? JESS: I'm dripping here, hold the wheel. RORY: I can't hold the wheel, you're driving. The person who's driving has to hold the wheel. That's the first thing they teach you in driver's ed. JESS: Huh, I gotta take that class one of those days. Take the wheel. RORY: Jess. JESS: I'm letting go. RORY: Stop! Take it back. Okay, you are taking this wheel back and when you do, I'm going to kill you. I'm just letting you know that. JESS: I appreciate the warning. RORY: Jess! JESS: Okay, I got it. Geez, you look pale. Are you okay? RORY: Death, and it's going to be painful. JESS: You're not gonna kill me. Think how dull your life would be without me. RORY: Serious question? JESS: Okay. RORY: You know you're smarter than most everybody at your school. It takes you like five minutes to finish a book. You read everything, you remember everything, you could ace those classes easily. Why don't you? You don't need a tutor. It's crazy that they're talking about leaving you back. JESS: Whatever. RORY: You can do anything you wanted, you can be anything you wanted. JESS: Rory. RORY: I. . .is it like a cool thing? JESS: I could care less about being cool. RORY: Well, inform me, please. JESS: I'm never going to college, why waste the time in high school? RORY: And why aren't you going to college? JESS: Please. RORY: What? Please what why is it so crazy? JESS: Ask my mother, she could give you a couple reasons. Oh, and I'm sure Principal Mertin can chime in with a few good ones. In fact, ask your mother. She doesn't know me all that well but I'm sure she could improvise a few things. RORY: Do not give me that whole I'm so misunderstood, Kurt Cobainy' thing. You are way stronger than that and I don't even wanna hear it. You have to go to college. JESS: No, you have to go to college. RORY: But don't you have any plans? JESS: Yes, I plan to get out of Stars Hollow. RORY: And go where? JESS: Wherever. RORY: And do what? JESS: Whatever. RORY: Wherever, whatever. JESS: I'll live where I live, I'll work when I need money, and I'll see where I end up. RORY: You could do more. JESS: Oh, here come the pompoms. RORY: No, no pompoms, just me saying you could do more. JESS: So, Courtney, what about you? RORY: What about me? JESS: What are your big ambitions? RORY: Harvard. JESS: And after Harvard? RORY: I'm gonna be a journalist. JESS: Paula Zahn? RORY: Christiane Amapour JESS: You're gonna be an overseas correspondent? RORY: Yes, I am. JESS: You're gonna crawl around in trenches and stand on top of buildings and have bombs going off in the background and some wars raging all around you? RORY: What, you don't think I can do it? JESS: No, I do. Just sounds a little too . RORY: A little what? JESS: Just sounds a little too rough for you. RORY: Well, it's not a little too rough for me. I hope it's not a little too rough for me, I've been talking about this forever. I mean, I don't even know what I would do if . JESS: Hey, I didn't mean to freak you out. I'm sorry. I'm sure you'll do it. You will, I promise. I'll help you practice, okay? Tomorrow, you'll stand in the middle of the street and I will drive straight at you screaming in a foreign language. RORY: Well, you're gonna have to learn a foreign language first. JESS: Well, it's lucky I've got me a tutor, isn't it? Okay, so I guess we should be getting back. I did promise to study if you went on this ice cream run with me. RORY: Yes, you did. JESS: Okay, so I just go straight and we'll be back at Luke's. RORY: Good sense of direction. JESS: Of course, I could turn right and then we'd just be driving around in circles for awhile. RORY: Turn right. JESS: As you wish. [SCENE_BREAK] CUT TO LORELAI'S HOUSE [Lorelai is standing at the kitchen table as the phone rings] LORELAI: Hello? RORY: Mom? LORELAI: Oh, Rory, great. Tell me, was it the China Ball, the China Doll, or the China Wall that had the really good shrimp balls? RORY: I think it was the China Doll. LORELAI: Okay, these can go. You'll be so proud of me, I'm organizing the takeout drawer. I'm weeding out all the dogs and I'm putting happy face stickers on the dishes that have been huge successes to make our ordering more efficient. Where are you? RORY: I need you to be calm. LORELAI: Calm about what? RORY: Calm about what I have to tell you. LORELAI: What where are you? RORY: I'm all right. LORELAI: Well, of course you're all right why wouldn't you be all right? RORY: Because. . .I got in an accident. LORELAI: What? What accident? What do you mean you got in an accident? RORY: Jess and I went for ice cream and we were just driving and it was dark and this dog or cat or possum, I don't know it was small and furry, and it ran out into the middle of the road and Jess swerved and . LORELAI: Jess swerved? RORY: Yes. LORELAI: Jess was driving? RORY: Yes. LORELAI: Jess was driving your car and you got in an accident? RORY: But I'm fine and he's fine and the furry thing is fine. The car's a little messed up, but there's nothing for you to be worried about. LORELAI: Where are you? RORY: I'm in the hospital. CUT TO HOSPITAL [Lorelai walks up to the nurse's station] LORELAI: Um, hi, hi, excuse me, uh, my daughter's here, she was in a car accident. Her name is Rory Gilmore. NURSE: Okay, just take a seat. LORELAI: I don't wanna take a seat. NURSE: It'll be one minute. LORELAI: Hey, do you remember in Terms of Endearment, that scene where Shirley MacLaine is in the hospital and freaks out because they won't give her daughter a shot? She got that from me and she toned it down a little. So, once again, I'm looking for my daughter, Rory Gilmore? NURSE: First door on your left. LORELAI: Thank you. [Lorelai walks into the room a doctor is wrapping Rory's arm] LORELAI: Rory, good. Are you okay? RORY: I'm fine. LORELAI: Oh. RORY: Please tell her that I'm fine. DOCTOR: She's fine. LORELAI: Well, then, what's with the wrapping? DOCTOR: Well - . LORELAI: If she's fine, there'd be no wrapping. There's no wrapping if she's fine. DOCTOR: Her arm hit the dashboard. She sustained a minor hairline fracture to her wrist. LORELAI: So she broke her wrist? RORY: No, it's just a fracture. LORELAI: Honey, let George Clooney talk here, okay? DOCTOR: It's a tiny fracture, absolutely nothing serious. I'm gonna put a cast on it. She'll wear it for a couple weeks, that's it. LORELAI: A cast? RORY: It barely hurts, I swear. LORELAI: And that's it just the wrist, everything else is fine? DOCTOR: She seems perfectly healthy. LORELAI: She seems healthy? Did you check everything out? DOCTOR: Well, we checked almost everything that could've been affected, yes. LORELAI: Almost everything? DOCTOR: Miss Gilmore, I assure you, we were very thorough. LORELAI: I'm sure you were, I just would like some extra thorough. Uh, anything that could've possibly, in any scenario, affected this body, I want it checked out. DOCTOR: I'll run a few more x-rays if that'll make you feel better. LORELAI: It will, thank you. DOCTOR: And then we'll put the cast on her, so it's gonna be a little while before she's out of here. LORELAI: I can wait. DOCTOR: Okay. Rory, I'll be right back. You sit still for a minute, okay? RORY: Okay. [doctor leaves] LORELAI: Aw. RORY: The car's not so good. LORELAI: Oh, nobody cares about the car. RORY: Jess made sure that he called the ambulance and that I was okay before he even talked to the police and . LORELAI: Let's just hear about the details later, okay? I just want you to relax now. RORY: You're not mad? LORELAI: No, I'm not mad. So they, they uh, brought you in the ambulance? RORY: Yeah. LORELAI: Did they use the siren? RORY: Yeah. LORELAI: I hope Taylor was in bed already. RORY: It was after nine so there's a good chance he was. LORELAI: Nice. [the doctor returns] DOCTOR: Okay, Rory, I'm gonna have the nurse take you down to x-ray now. RORY: Okay. LORELAI: Oh, can I go with her? DOCTOR: I'm sorry, you have to wait outside. It'll be about an hour if you wanna go grab some coffee or something. LORELAI: Okay, thanks. Smile pretty for the camera. RORY: Okay. LORELAI: Thanks. CUT TO LUKE'S DINER [Lorelai bangs on the door] LORELAI: Luke! Luke! [Luke opens the door and Lorelai rushes into the diner] LUKE: Hey, I was . LORELAI: Where is he? LUKE: Who? LORELAI: Jess! Where's Jess, Luke? LUKE: I don't know, I just got back. What's going on? I got here and they weren't here. LORELAI: Jess! LUKE: Hey, talk to me! [cut to the upstairs hallway] LORELAI: Jess, answer me right now! LUKE: What's wrong, what happened? LORELAI: There was an accident. [they walk inside the apartment and Lorelai looks around for Jess] LUKE: What - what accident? LORELAI: Jess! LUKE: What accident? LORELAI: Jess was driving Rory's car and he crashed it. LUKE: What, when? LORELAI: What do you mean, when? Tonight, tonight he crashed it tonight! Jess, dammit! [Lorelai walks out of the apartment] LUKE: What happened? Is anyone hurt? Lorelai! [Luke follows her down into the diner] LUKE: Hey, I'm talking to you here. LORELAI: Where would he be? Where would he go? LUKE: I asked you if anyone was hurt? LORELAI: Uh, was anyone hurt? Well, let's see. Uh, Rory's in the emergency room now with a fractured wrist, so yeah, I'd say someone was hurt. LUKE: Rory fractured her wrist? LORELAI: Yes, she has to wear a cast for two weeks, she's getting x-rays and tests. LUKE: What about Jess is he hurt? LORELAI: No, Luke Jess did the hurting. That little punk nephew of yours almost killed my kid tonight. LUKE: Look, I'm sure it was an accident. Accidents happen. LORELAI: Not with my kid in the car, they don't. LUKE: Okay, you just need to calm down. LORELAI: Why did you do this? LUKE: What are you talking about? Why did I do what? LORELAI: Why did you bring him here? LUKE: What? LORELAI: If you hadn't brought him here, none of this would've happened. LUKE: This is my fault? LORELAI: Yes, it is your fault! You told him to come, you let him stay. Everybody hated him, everybody knew he was trouble but you wouldn't listen and you wouldn't send him home and now my daughter is in the hospital! [Luke walks out of the diner and Lorelai follows him] LORELAI: You kept pushing them together. You asked her to help him study, you knew she'd never say no. I told you it made me nervous, I told you I didn't like it and I should've stopped it right there. But you thought Rory would be good for Jess, never mind what he'd be for her. That wasn't important at all, was it? LUKE: Of course it was important. LORELAI: Why didn't you put a stop to it at the first sign of trouble? Why didn't you make him leave? LUKE: He's my nephew. I had an obligation to take him in, I had an obligation to care for him. LORELAI: You had an obligation to this town and to me and to Rory. Where are you going? LUKE: I have to find out where Jess is. LORELAI: Well, I'll tell you where he's not he's not in the emergency room having him arm plastered up! LUKE: Hey, I am sorry about Rory. You know I care more about her than I do myself, but at least you know where Rory is and at least you know that she's okay. Now, I have to find Jess and I have to make sure that he's okay, and if that cuts into your screaming time, well that's just too damn bad! LORELAI: Go to hell! LUKE: Right back at ya! [Luke walks away. Lorelai sees Rory's car being towed away and starts to cry, then pulls out her cell phone] LORELAI: Chris? CUT TO BRIDGE [Jess is sitting on the bridge as Luke walks up to him] JESS: I made sure she was okay. LUKE: I know you did. CUT TO LORELAI'S HOUSE [Rory is lying in bed, Lorelai stands next to her near a small table of items] LORELAI: Okay, you've got your TV, you've got your books, your magazines, your refreshments, you have your CD player, your assorted CDs. Stan Freberg, Ash, you have your Sinead O'Connor because when life really gets you down, Sinead's really the one to teach you some perspective. You have a pad of paper in case you decide to write the great American novel. And over here you have a tiny but annoying bell in case there's something here that you need but you don't have and you want to summon the common but lovely house wench who will promptly leave her talking mice and come to fetch the Contessa whatever she may require. RORY: I think what Contessa requires right now is sleep. LORELAI: Is your arm hurting you? RORY: Unh uh, but the stuff they gave me at the hospital made me a little dopey. LORELAI: My little Marianne Faithful. Scooch down now and go to sleep. [Lorelai moves Rory's armchair] RORY: What are you doing? LORELAI: Just a little feng shui, go to sleep. [Lorelai brings in a pillow and blanket] RORY: Mom, you don't have to sleep in here tonight. LORELAI: I know, I just think the chair looks nice here. RORY: And what's the blanket for? LORELAI: In case the chair gets cold. RORY: And the pillow? LORELAI: To keep the blanket company. RORY: Uh huh. LORELAI: Okay, everything's in its place. Chair seems warm, blanket seems happy, just one thing missing. . .oh, yeah. [sits down in chair] Goodnight. RORY: Freak of sideshow proportions. LORELAI: I love you, too. RORY: Mom? LORELAI: Hmm? RORY: I'm sorry. LORELAI: Shh, the chair is trying to sleep. CUT TO LATER THAT NIGHT [Rory is asleep in her bed, Lorelai is asleep in the chair. Lorelai wakes up and finds Christopher sleeping in a chair next to her.] LORELAI: Chris? CHRISTOPHER: [wakes up] What? Lor. . . is everything. . . LORELAI: Shh. Come on. [they walk into the kitchen] LORELAI: Hey, what are you doing here? CHRISTOPHER: Uh, I have a really crappy mattress at home. LORELAI: Chris. CHRISTOPHER: I drove here as fast as I could and I went to the hospital but you guys had already left so I tried your cell phone but all I got was the voice mail so I came here but the place looked dark so I got the key out of the turtle and came in but you guys were already asleep so I just grabbed a chair and. . . and apparently my evil plan worked exactly as I anticipated. LORELAI: I'm so glad you're here. CHRISTOPHER: Me too. How's she doing? LORELAI: She's in a cast. CHRISTOPHER: I know. LORELAI: The doctor said she'll be fine, he'll take it off in a couple of weeks. The car is totally gone and I have to call the insurance guy tomorrow and. . .I don't know. CHRISTOPHER: Did you find that kid? LORELAI: Jess? CHRISTOPHER: Jess, dead meat, whatever his name is. LORELAI: No, the little ferret's hiding out somewhere, I'm sure. CHRISTOPHER: Okay, well, I'm gonna deal with the car tomorrow and I still wanna talk to the doctor, if that's okay, and I'm gonna need a picture of this Jess so I don't accidentally rip the head off the wrong kid cause that would be bad. LORELAI: Look at you all springin' into action. CHRISTOPHER: About time, don't ya think? LORELAI: I like the superhero you. CHRISTOPHER: Just trying to keep up. LORELAI: So, are you staying here tonight or do you have to rush back? CHRISTOPHER: No, I wanna spend some time with Rory tomorrow. LORELAI: And Sherry's cool with you staying here? CHRISTOPHER: Rory comes first. LORELAI: Okay. Do you want some coffee? CHRISTOPHER: I'll get it. LORELAI: Do you know how to make coffee? CHRISTOPHER: Yes, I do. LORELAI: My coffee? CHRISTOPHER: One bag of coffee per cup of water, right? LORELAI: Perfect. Oh my God. When Rory called me tonight and said the word hospital, I just legitimately thought I was having a heart attack, and let me tell you, it was not fun. I'm joining a gym tomorrow, that's how not fun it was. CHRISTOPHER: See if you can get a two for one membership. LORELAI: Anything could've happened. It could've been so much worse. CHRISTOPHER: But it wasn't. LORELAI: No, it wasn't, but it could've been. CHRISTOPHER: It wasn't. It's okay, everything's gonna be okay. LORELAI: Hey, about the fight we had the last time you were here. . . CHRISTOPHER: Oh, yes, that was a doozy, wasn't it? LORELAI: I just, I didn't mean to. . . CHRISTOPHER: No, I shouldn't have. . . LORELAI: No, but if I implied that. . . CHRISTOPHER: You didn't. . .I just snapped. . . LORELAI: I understand. CHRISTOPHER: I'm sorry. LORELAI: Me too. Hey, did I mention I'm really glad you're here? CHRISTOPHER: I believe you did. LORELAI: Well, good for me, then. CUT TO TOWN SQUARE [On Movie in the Square night, rows of chairs are set up in front of a large movie screen near the gazebo. Lorelai, Christopher, Rory, and Sookie walk toward the seats] CHRISTOPHER: The Yearling? LORELAI: Uh huh. RORY: Great movie. CHRISTOPHER: Boy, you think they could've gotten the genius in charge of this to come up with something other than The Yearling. LORELAI: You know, picking a movie that will appeal to a large group of people is hard. LANE: Rory! CHRISTOPHER: We'll get seats. [Lorelai, Sookie, and Christopher walk away] LANE: Oh my God! Let me see. Oh, that sucks, that so sucks. Does it hurt? RORY: Only when I remember how I got it. LANE: Okay. Here angry girl for an angry arm. RORY: Oh, cool! Thank you. LANE: You're welcome. [Lane puts a sticker on Rory's cast] So, tell me what happened. RORY: Oh, Lane, it was horrible. I have never been involved in anything so horrible in my life. LANE: But what happened? RORY: An animal ran out into the road and we swerved and we hit a pole, and my car my beautiful car. . . LANE: How bad? RORY: Bad. LANE: Have you talked to Dean? RORY: No, he gets home tomorrow. LANE: What are you gonna say? RORY: I don't know. LANE: He's gonna freak. RORY: I know. LANE: And Jess? RORY: Not since last night. LANE: Wow. RORY: Yeah, everyone is so upset right now. And my dad's in town and something happened between Mom and Luke and she won't tell me what. I don't know, they just need time to cool off and then everything will be fine. Everyone just needs time. Maybe I'll try to call him tomorrow. LANE: Tomorrow. Oh yeah, that's plenty of time. No one will still be mad then. RORY: Sarcasm does not become you. LANE: Maybe not, but it does sustain me. [cut to Lorelai, Sookie and Christopher finding seats] LORELAI: Hey, why isn't Jackson here? SOOKIE: Oh, he's singing to his persimmons tonight. They've been a little sour lately. LORELAI: Oh, right. CHRISTOPHER: Right? You just accept that explanation? LORELAI: Yeah, why shouldn't I? CHRISTOPHER: Because she just told you the man isn't here because he's singing to fruit. LORELAI: That's better than dancing with it. Remember last year's watermelon crop? SOOKIE: Oh, yeah threw his back out. LORELAI: Mm hmm. CHRISTOPHER: I'm facing the screen now. SOOKIE: The movie's already starting? I thought it started at eight. LORELAI: No, this is a little pre-movie treat. [On the screen, the words "a film by kirk" appear. Kirk and a woman walk up to a house] KIRK: I can't wait to meet your family. WOMAN: I'm very close to my family. KIRK: I know this. That's why I can't wait to meet your family. WOMAN: Remember, Daddy is quite protective. I'm his favorite daughter. KIRK: He has good taste. I intend to tell him that. WOMAN: I love you. [They knock on the door and a man answers] WOMAN: Daddy. DAD: You are with my favorite daughter. KIRK: You have good taste. DAD: Come in the house. WOMAN: I love you. [inside the house, Kirk, the woman, and her parents sit in chairs in the living room just staring at each other. Finally, Kirk stands up] KIRK: I love your daughter. DAD: Who are you to love my daughter? What can you offer her? KIRK: Nothing. Only this. [starts dancing] [cut to the audience] CHRISTOPHER: Wow. LORELAI: He raps later. SOOKIE: Okay, Jackson needs to see this. Hey, if I can't get him here quick enough. . . LORELAI: Oh, we are so playing this again after the movie. SOOKIE: Great, I'll be back. [leaves] CHRISTOPHER: This town is like one big outpatient mental institution. LORELAI: Glad you could join us. CHRISTOPHER: Yeah, me too. LORELAI: It's so nice you decided to stay for the movie. I mean, it's really fun being able to say, hey, look, I know that person. I talk to him everyday and so far, he's never bitten me.' CHRISTOPHER: That's it, I'm definitely coming around more often. You need protection. LORELAI: Coming around more sounds good. CHRISTOPHER: I wish I could stay longer. LORELAI: Well, you gotta get back to Sherry. Don't worry, we understand. CHRISTOPHER: Yeah, well, I wish I could stay. [Rory sits down with them] RORY: Hey, where did Sookie go? Oh my Lord. LORELAI: Quick, cover her eyes. She's just a child, she shouldn't have to see this. RORY: He's taking his shirt off. CHRISTOPHER: I shouldn't have to see this either. I'm going for popcorn. LORELAI: Me please. RORY: Me too. CHRISTOPHER: Got it, be right back. [leaves] RORY: I like it when he's here. LORELAI: Yeah, me too. [on the screen, Kirk finishes dancing and the dad stands up.] DAD: Let's eat. [the movie ends and the audience claps. Patty walks up to Lorelai and Rory] MISS PATTY: I did the choreography. LORELAI: Mm. BABETTE: Patty, doll, come here! MISS PATTY: I'll see you later. LORELAI: Bye Patty. [to Rory] So, how are you feeling? RORY: Haunted by the sight of Kirk's bare chest. [pan over to Babette and Miss Patty talking] MISS PATTY: No! BABETTE: I swear to God! MISS PATTY: When? BABETTE: Last night, not long after the accident happened, Luke walked him straight to the bus station, stuck the kid on a bus, sent him home to his mom. MISS PATTY: I can't believe Luke would send him off like that. BABETTE: Well, I heard the kid wanted to go. I don't know. All I know is that Jess is gone. MISS PATTY: Well, well, well. What will we do for entertainment around here? BABETTE: Beats the hell outta me. [pan over to Lorelai and Rory, who heard the conversation]

Lorelai's complaint about Taylor's choice for "Movie in the Square Night" lands her the responsibility for picking the evening's entertainment, but her enthusiasm for the task is quickly dampened when Taylor informs her that she must make a choice from a list of free movies which doesn't include any masterpieces; against her better judgment, Lorelai agrees to Luke's request that Rory tutor an about-to-flunk-out Jess; Rory and Jess decide to take a break from studying to get some ice cream, and with Jess behind the wheel, get into a car accident which leaves Rory with a broken wrist and a totaled car; a distraught Lorelai blames Luke for the accident, creating a serious rift in their relationship; Christopher arrives in the middle of the night ready to go after Jess, but he's already left Stars Hollow to return home; Kirk's short film premieres at Movie Night.

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Scene: The apartment. Howard: Okay, are you from Star Wars universe? Leonard: Yes Howard: Were you in the original trilogy? Leonard: Yes Howard: Is there a picture of you in my wallet wearing a metal bikini? Leonard: God, I hope not. And no, I'm not Princess Leia. Raj: Oh, okay, okay, my turn. Are you in the six Star Wars movies? Leonard: Yes Raj: Interesting. Are you a Droid? Leonard: Yes Raj: Do you kind of look like a shiny Sheldon? Leonard: Yes Raj: C3PO. Leonard: You got it. Sheldon: That's preposterous. I do not resemble C3PO. Don't get me wrong, I'm flattered, I just don't see it. Howard (phone rings): Leslie Winkle. You've reached friends with benefits. For a booty call, press one now. Sheldon: What exactly does that expression mean, friends with benefits? Does he provide her with health insurance? Leonard: No. Look, imagine you maintained a friendship with someone you had s*x with, but you were free to date whoever you wanted. Sheldon: I'm sorry, I can't imagine any of that. Leonard: Alright, back to the game. Sheldon: I believe it's my turn, you may begin your questions whenever you're ready. Raj: Are you Spock? Sheldon: I don't like this game. Howard: So, where were we? Raj: Aren't you leaving for your booty call? Howard: No, it was something else. Why does everything have to be about s*x with you? Come on. Who's turn is it? Leonard: We were up to you. Howard: Great, just start. Leonard: Okay, let's see. Are you from a TV series? Howard: She dumped me! Sheldon: I bet he's someone from Babylon 5, we're never going to guess. Credits sequence. Scene: A few moments later. Raj: What happened with Leslie, why did she dump you? Howard: I don't know. She just said Howard, momma's a rolling stone. And then her call waiting beeped and she was gone. Sheldon: I don't understand. If you were in a non-emotional relationship then why are you having what appears be an emotional response? Leonard: Sheldon, he obviously had feelings for her. Howard: Of course I had feelings for her, I saw her naked for God's sake! Leonard: Okay, uh look, you just need to get your mind off it. Do you want to go to the comic book store? Maybe go see a movie? Howard: I don't want to go anywhere. Sheldon: You know, I'm given to understand that there is an entire city in Nevada designed specifically to help people like Howard forget their problems. Where you can replace them with new problems such as alcoholism, gambling addiction and sexually transmitted diseases. Raj: Is it me, or was that Sheldon's way of saying Vegas baby! Leonard: I've never been there, have you? Raj: Me? No. I just got Vegas baby from Vince Vaughn in Swingers. . Howard: It could be fun. I know my weekend's wide open, now that... Leonard: Okay, then let's do this, lets go to Las Vegas. Howard: Now? Right now? Leonard: Why not? People do things right now all the time. Why can't we be right now people too. Go home, pack a bag and we'll be right now people. I have to stop at the drug store to refill a prescription, but after that we'll go right now. Raj: What do you say, Howard? Howard: I say Vegas baby! Raj: What are you going to tell your mother? Howard: Sea World, baby! Leonard: Hey, Sheldon, are you coming? Sheldon: I'd rather have a blowfly lay eggs and hatch larvae in my auditory canal. Leonard: Great, we'll bring you back a tee-shirt. Scene: The lobby. Sheldon: Thank you. Hello, neighbour. Penny: Hello, Sheldon. Sheldon: And how are you doing this fine evening? Penny: Great. Sheldon: Good. I'm glad. Penny: Really? Are you drunk? Sheldon: I'm just in a good mood. While my compatriots are in Las Vegas, I will be enjoying a blissful evening in my personal Fortress of Solitude. Penny: That's Superman's big ice thing, right? Sheldon: Do you know, I'm such a good mood, I'm actually finding your tenuous grasp of the English language folksy and charming today. Penny: Mmm, what smells so good? Sheldon: That is the intoxicating aroma of Kadhai Paneer, a perfect culinary representation of the freedom this evening holds. Not only is it Indian cuisine, which Koothrappali loathes, it contains a generous helping of peanuts, which would reduce Wolowitz to a wheezing 97 pound blister. And finally, it's main ingredient is Paneer, a farmer's cheese which would cause Leonard to render any room uninhabitable within minutes. Penny: Yum. Well, enjoy your big evening. Sheldon: Penny. I realize you are also on your own tonight, so if at some point you find yourself with nothing to do, please do not disturb me. Penny: Have fun, Sheldon. Sheldon: Oh, I shall. (Sings Superman theme while searching his pockets.) No! Penny: What's wrong, Superman? Locked out of your big ice thingy? Scene: A Vegas bathroom. Raj: Look at this, mouthwash, lotion, body wash, shampoo and conditioner together in one tiny bottle. I love Las Vegas. Leonard: Howard, could I borrow some after shave? Howard: Black case, top compartment. Leonard: That is a lot of cologne. Howard: First row are your musks, second is wood, leathers and botanicals, third is assorted pheromones, tread lightly. Raj (finding a large quantity of condoms): That's the spirit, Howard. Yes, we can. Leonard: Come on, let's go. Howard: You guys go ahead, I just have to finish up an email. Leonard: That's not an email, that's Leslie's facebook page. Howard: Okay, fine, I'm checking her facebook page, look at her status update, she's saying she dumped me, people need to know I dumped her. Raj: But she did dump you. Howard: Grow up, Raj,there's no place for truth on the internet. Just go, I'll catch up with you. Leonard: Alright. Raj: Oh, we should have a plan in case one of us gets lucky. Leonard: Okay, uh, if I get lucky I'll take her to my stately manor outside Gotham City, and if you get lucky, I'll sleep on the moon. Raj: Sounds like a plan. Scene: Penny's apartment. Penny: Hang on, I think the emergency key is around here somewhere. Sheldon: We have a bowl. Our keys go in a bowl. You should get a bowl. Penny: So, how did the beautiful mind of Sheldon Cooper forget his key in the first place. Sheldon: I left them in the bowl. Penny: Oh-oh. I just remembered where the emergency key is. Sheldon: Where? Penny: In your apartment. Sheldon: What's it doing in my apartment? Penny: Well, I went in there a few weeks ago when you guys weren't home, and I forgot it there. Sheldon: You were in my... why would you... what are you saying? Penny: It's not a big deal, I was making coffee and I ran out of milk. Sheldon: You're the milk thief! Leonard said I was crazy but I knew that carton felt lighter. Penny: Alright, Sheldon, let's just calm down and we'll call the building manager, he'll come open your door, you just eat your dinner here while you're waiting. Sheldon: Eat? My dinner? In your apartment? Penny: Yeah, why not? Sheldon: Sure, why not? And after the sun's down we can all pile in my pick-up and go skinny-dipping down at the creek. 'Cause today's the day to stop making sense. Scene: A bar at the Las Vegas Casino. Leonard (to barmaid): Thanks. Raj: I'm telling you, Leonard, video slot machines, free drinks brought to us by a bosomy barmaid and all you can eat shrimp for $3.95. Disneyland can suck it. This is the real happiest of the earth. Leonard (as he wins on his slot machine): Dude, check it out. That's laundry for a month! Woman (leaning over Raj): Hi. Raj (taking a big gulp of his drink): Hello. Woman: What's your name? Raj: Rajesh Ramayan Koothrappali. Woman: Hello Rajesh Ram... Hi, Rajesh, I'm Michaela. Raj: Hello, Michaela. Michaela: So, are you interested a little party? Raj: Why, yes, I love to party. Party is my middle name. Or it would be, if it weren't Ramayan. Leonard: Uh, Raj, can I, can I talk to you for a moment. Raj: Not now, Leonard, Michaela's inviting me to a party. You better call the moon and you make sure that they have a bed for you. Leonard: Yeah, I really need to talk to you. Raj: Excuse me, I'll be right back. Don't go anywhere. Don't move. Just stay the beautiful unspoiled American flower that you are. (To Leonard) What's wrong with you dude, that woman was all up in my jammy. Leonard: Okay, I hate to break this to you and whatever your jammy is, but, I'm pretty sure she is a prostitute. Raj: What? No. .. Leonard: Okay, let me put it this way, in your entire life, how many gorgeous women have walked straight up to you in a bar and asked if you wanted to party. Raj: Maybe I can save her. Leonard: Maybe, but I'm guessing it will cost you about $500 an hour to try. Raj: It was lovely meeting you, best of luck in your future endeavours. Michaela: Whatever. Raj: Oh, I miss her already. Leonard: Oh, Howard's losing it. Check out his latest twitters. "I'm at the bottom of a black hole staring into the abyss. My life is meaningless, my future is without hope." Raj: Why don't we take him to see the Blue Man Group? Leonard: You think that'd help? Raj: USA Today calls them exuberant fun for the whole family. Leonard: I don't know, Howard isn't really the family fun kind of guy. Raj: It's too bad he wasn't here for that hooker. She's exactly his type. A hooker. You know, I bet if we hired her, that would cheer him up. Leonard: We're not going to get Wolowitz a hooker. Raj (reading Howard's twitter): "I'm so lonely and horny I may open this $20 jar of peanuts and end it all." Leonard: Suppose it wouldn't hurt to get an estimate. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene: Penny's apartment. Sheldon: So, how was your day? Penny: Are you trying to make small talk? Oh, sweetie, you really don't have to. Sheldon: No, it's the accepted convention. How was your day? Penny: Well, uh, they shifted my schedule around at the restaurant so my hours are going to be a little different... Sheldon: I'm sorry, that's not going to interest me at all, just eat. Scene: The casino bar. Raj: Hello again. Michaela: Oh, hi. Leonard: Yeah, hi, listen, m, if you're not busy, well, w-we were thinking you could... well, we were wondering... Raj: If you're really a prostitute. Michaela: You guys cops? Together: No. Michaela: I am a prostitute. Leonard: Okay, great. Um... uh, the thing is, we've got this friend, and he's kind of down in the dumps, and we thought that maybe you could cheer him up. Raj: With s*x. Leonard: I think she knows what I meant. Raj: How can she when you beat around the bush. She's from the mean streets where they shoot from the hip and keep it real. Michaela: Don't worry, I can take good care of your friend. Leonard: Okay, terrific. Um, uh, listen, is there a way that we can do this where he doesn't know that you're a... you know... Raj: Prostitute. Michaela: You want the girlfriend experience. Leonard: Yes, yeah, exactly, the girlfriend experience. Raj: Uh, actually, if it's not too much to ask, could we have the Jewish girlfriend experience. Scene: Penny's apartment. Sheldon: Okay, that's question 20, you have to guess. Penny: Oh, God, I don't know Sheldon, are you Star Wars? Sheldon: How can one person be a whole movie? Penny: Okay, I give up, can we just do something else? Sheldon: Fine. I was Spock. Are you and Leonard friends with benefits. Penny: What? Sheldon: Are you and Leonard friends with benefits? Penny: Where did that even come from, did he say we were? Sheldon: No, Leonard said nothing, but who knows what goes on over here when he pretends your mail was misdelivered. Penny: No, just mail, no benefits. Sheldon: Hmm, I see. Penny: Why are you asking? Sheldon: I'm curious about the whole social construct. On its face, the idea of satisfying ones sexual appetite, assuming one is afflicted with such, without emotional entanglement, that seems eminently practical. What I've observed, however, is Howard Wolowitz crying like a little girl. Penny: Well, some people just can't handle that kind of relationship. Sheldon: Can you? Penny: Excuse me? Sheldon: Are you able to have s*x with men without developing an emotional attachment? Penny: Sheldon, I really don't want to talk about this with you. Sheldon: Is this conversation making you uncomfortable? Penny: Of course it's making me uncomfortable, can't you tell? Sheldon: I really have no idea. I don't particularly excel at reading facial expressions, body language... Penny: I'm uncomfortable, Sheldon! Sheldon: Thank you, that's very helpful. Scene: The casino bar. Howard: Alright, where are these amazing shrimp? Leonard: Behold? Howard: Seriously, you think this is the size of a baby's arm? Raj: A little baby. Howard: I'm going back to the room. Michaela (arriving): Boy, would it maybe kill them to put out a nice brisket? Howard: Hi there, Howard Wolowitz. Michaela: Esther Rosenblatt. Scene: Penny's apartment. Penny: I don't think the manager's coming tonight so, here. Sheldon: Are you suggesting I sleep on the couch. Penny: Well, it wasn't the first suggestion that came to mind, but it's the one I'm going with. Sheldon: I can't sleep on your couch. I sleep in a bed. And given it's dimensions I have no intention of living out E.M. Snickering's beloved children's book , The Tall Man From Cornwall. Penny: What? Sheldon: There was a tall man from Cornwall whose length exceeded his bed. My body fits on it, but barely upon it, there's no room for my big Cornish head. Penny: Oh, alright. I will give you my bed on one condition. That you promise to zip your hole for the next eight hours. Sheldon: May I say one last thing. Penny: Only if it doesn't rhyme. Sheldon: Alright. Goodnight. Scene: The casino bar. Michaela: Turn ons. Let me see. Reading a good book in front of the fire. Long walks on the beach. Getting freaky on the Sabbath with a bacon cheeseburger. Howard: Really, me too. Michaela: Oy gevalt, you're hot. Howard: Yeah. Excuse me for a moment. Leonard: Hey, how's it going. Howard: Cut the crap, you set this up, didn't you? Leonard: Yes. Howard: She's a hooker, isn't she. Raj: A prostitute, yes. Howard: You already gave her the money? Leonard: Yes. Howard: Thank you! Scene: Penny's apartment. Sheldon: Penny. Penny: What? Sheldon: I can't sleep. how are you going? Penny: Maybe that's because your hole is still open. Sheldon: I'm homesick. Penny: Your home is twenty feet from here. Sheldon: Twenty feet, twenty light years, it doesn't matter. It's in a galaxy far, far away. Penny: Damn it. What do you want me to do Sheldon: Sing soft kitty. Penny: That's only for when you're sick. Sheldon: Homesick is a type of being sick. Penny: Come on, do I really have to? Sheldon: I suppose we can stay up and talk. Penny: Soft kitty, warm kitty, little ball of fur. Happy kitty, um... Sheldon: Sleepy kitty. Penny: Sleepy ki... Sheldon: No. Start over. Penny: Soft kitty, warm kitty, little ball of fur. Happy kitty, sleepy kitty, purr, purr, purr. Sheldon: Penny. Penny: Yeah. Sheldon: Thank you for letting me stay here. Penny: Oh, you're welcome sweetie. Sheldon: Okay, I'm sleepy now, get out. Scene: The stairwell. Sheldon: Oh, good, you're finally home. Leonard: What were you doing at Penny's? Sheldon: Well, we had dinner, uh, played some games, and then I spent the night. Oh, you'll be happy to know that I now have a much better understanding of friends with benefits.

Leslie ends her 'friends with benefits' relationship with Howard, upsetting him. Leonard and Raj take him on a trip to Las Vegas, Nevada to cheer him up. There, a prostitute named Mikayla approaches Raj, and he and Leonard decide to hire her for Howard. Howard soon realizes she is a prostitute, but nevertheless thanks Leonard and Raj for setting up the "date". Meanwhile, Sheldon, who has declined to go to Las Vegas, is delighted to spend the weekend alone, until he forgets his apartment key. Penny reluctantly allows him to stay over in her apartment, where he spends the night in her bed (she sleeps on her couch, which Sheldon has rejected as being too short for him) and, as a result, thinks he has a better understanding of the term 'friends with benefits'.

fd_Frasier_04x23

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Act One THE QUESTION Scene One - Caf Nervosa. Niles and Frasier are sat having coffees. Niles: Do you think Maris and I are meant to be together? Frasier puzzles over this. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene Two - Frasier's Apartment. The apartment is empty except for Daphne who puts a gift bag on Martin's chair and then sits at the table. Martin enters from his room. Martin: [notices bag] Oh, what's this? Daphne: I got you a gift. Martin: You did? What's the occasion? Daphne: No reason. Martin: You can't just give somebody something for no reason. Daphne: Yes, I can. Martin: No, you can't. Daphne: Yes, I can! Martin: No, you can't! Daphne: You're starting to take the fun out of this. Martin: But there's no reason for this. Daphne: Does there have to be a reason? Martin: Yeah! Daphne: Oh, would you just open it up? Martin: Oh, Jeez! Martin takes a cardigan out of the bag. Daphne: I knitted it myself. Martin: Oh, gee! Daphne: You know, I had a bit of trouble with the rogue collar. I'm surprised you didn't hear me cursing from my bedroom. Martin: Boy, Daphne, this is really nice. [puts it on] I wish I had something to give you. Daphne: Oh, we're back on that again! Martin: Yeah, all right, all right, but at least let me pay you for it. Daphne: Pay me for it?! It's a gift! Martin: Well, just a couple of bucks for the yarn. Daphne exits to the kitchen as Frasier enters in his squash gear from the front door. Frasier: Dad, is Niles home? Martin: No. Frasier: For God's sake, I've been standing out front for twenty minutes, we're going to be late for our squash court! Nice cardigan. Martin: Daphne surprised me with it! Frasier: You don't seem very happy about it. Martin: No, well, I'm not, I mean you just don't give somebody something for no reason, that's my rule. Frasier: Dad! Spontaneous gift-giving is one of life's great pleasures. Didn't you ever give Mom anything without a warning? Martin: Yeah, you! Where do you think I got the rule from?! Niles enters on his cellular phone. Frasier: There you are! Come on, Niles, let's shake a leg! We're going to be late for our court time. Niles: Okay, just a minute. [on phone:] Of course I do, Maris. [pause] Well, I miss you more. No, I do. No, I do. Frasier: Niles! Niles: [on phone:] More than Van Cleaf would miss Arpell. [laughs] No, I don't. No, you have the prettier laugh. No, you do. No, you do. Martin: I'm gonna go walk into the ocean! Martin exits. Niles: Oh no, I would love to meet you for lunch but you know what Dr. Deutsch said; no meetings outside our therapy sessions. Oh, now, Maris. [the phone beeps] Wait, hold on a second, another line. [switches lines] Hello? Frasier: [speaking into his phone] Get the hell off the phone! Niles: [still into phone] How rude! Frasier: [still in phone] Please, don't you realise it's also rude to be late for an appointment! Niles: Oh, you are telling me about being late... Niles and Frasier carry on their phone argument until Frasier hangs up and faces him. Niles: How dare you hang up on me! [switches lines] Honey, do you mind if we continue this conversation later? Oh, I'll be counting the minutes too. [hangs up] Frasier: Well, I hope you're happy, we've now officially lost our court! Niles: Well, I'm sorry. I would hope that my attempt to salvage my marriage would be more important to you than a squash game! Frasier: Well, of course it is. I was just looking forward to playing. Niles: I enjoy a morning game of squash more than anyone. Frasier: No, I do. Niles: No, I do. Frasier: No, no... Niles, I would love to see you and Maris reconciling, if that's what you want. I'm just afraid you might be going a bit too quickly. Would you like some coffee? Niles: Please. Frasier pours two cups. Frasier: Need I remind you that only last month she served you divorce papers! Niles: I'm well aware of that, but we're not rushing into anything. We only see each other at therapy. That reminds me, yesterday at the caf I asked you a question which you deftly avoided answering. Do you think Maris and I are meant to be together? Frasier: Right, well, er, that's a tough question. You know, perhaps the better question would be, do you think you and Maris are meant to be together? Niles: Hmmm, I served you up a question, you clumsily bat it back to me. We've hardly missed our squash game at all! No, no, I'm really interested in your opinion. Let's say you were God. Frasier: Niles, please, I don't want to play God! Niles: [laughs] Oh, please... no, just play along. Let's say you are the supreme ruler of heaven and earth. What would you do? Frasier: [eyes Eddie:] Well, for starters I'd issue a recall on some of my lesser species! Niles's mobile rings. Niles: I still want an answer to that question. [answers] Hello? What is it, pumpkin? [pause] Now, now, dear, calm down. I'm sure the banging you hear is just the pipes; if one of the servants had actually been walled in during the remodeling, he would have died weeks ago. [pause] Okay, if it will ease your mind at all, why don't you have Marta take role call? [phone beeps] Hold on a second. [changes lines] Hello? Frasier: [on his phone] Get out! Niles leaves the apartment whilst talking to Maris. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene Three - Radio Station. Frasier is finishing his show, Roz is in her booth. Frasier: Well, this is Dr. Frasier Crane saying goodbye and good mental health. [signs off] Roz: [enters] Your brother called. Frasier: Oh, Lord, he must really want an answer to that question. Roz: No, he just wanted to tell you the wine club meeting was cancelled. What question? Frasier: Well, yesterday he asked me straight up if I thought he and Maris were meant for each other. Roz: That's a loaded question. Frasier: Yeah, you're telling me. In fact, I don't even know what my answer is. Roz: Why don't you just play it safe and say yes? In my experience, when someone asks that question, they're not looking for honesty, they're looking for reassurance. Tell him what he wants to hear. Frasier: I don't know, Roz. Roz: Trust me, Frasier. It's like if I asked you, "Do I look fat in these pants?" Frasier: [thinking - without innuendo] Yeah, you're right. I guess there's only one way to answer that question. Roz: What?! Do you think I look fat in these? Frasier: No, I don't. Roz: I work out every day... Frasier: Roz! Roz: It's the pleats, isn't it? Frasier: Stop it, get a hold of yourself! I was thinking about what you had said. I'm going to tell Niles yes, I think he and Niles were meant to be together. A woman waves at him from the corridor and he waves back. Roz: Who are you waving to? Is that Elise Edmunds from Promotions? Frasier: We have a little date tonight. Roz: A date? And you didn't tell me? Frasier: Well, it's no big deal, I don't even think she's interested in me. Elise enters. Elise: Hey, Frasier. Hey, Roz. [they greet her] Sorry to interrupt, I just wanted to make sure, am I still seeing you tonight? Frasier: Yes, you are. But of course, I'll be seeing you as well. Elise: [laughs] Bye, Frasier. Elise flirtatiously pushes her hair back and exits. Roz: Whoa-ho-ho! That woman is totally into you! Frasier: You think so? Roz: Yeah. [breathy voice, pushing her hair back] See you later, bye. Roz pants as she walks across the booth swaying her body. Frasier: Is that a good sign? Roz: Hello? She might as well cat-roped you with her pantyhose! Frasier: It probably should be a very interesting night. Though she is very attractive, slender... Roz: [stops laughing] Gee, I wonder why your mind went there? Frasier: Oh, not this again! Roz: Of course it would. Standing next to me, I hate these pants! Frasier: Oh, please. Roz: I look like the Liberty Bell! Frasier: The Liberty Bell has a crack in it! [SCENE_BREAK] SO THE ANSWER IS "YES" Scene Four - Frasier's Apartment. Martin is sat in his chair when Daphne enters. Daphne: Afternoon, Mr. Crane. Martin: Hello. Daphne: I've got the mail. Martin: Oh, thanks, you want to just put it on that table there. Daphne does and notices a gift basket. Daphne: Is this for me? Martin: Well, do you know anybody else around here who uses Eucalyptus bubble bath?! Daphne: Well, your son occasionally likes... Martin: Oh, never mind. Daphne: ThiS is lovely. Martin: Well, I'm glad you like it, because I picked it all out myself. You know, I got you your fancy soaps and your moisturisers and this rock thing that scrapes all the dead skin off the bottom of your feet. [off her glance] Well, if you're going to nap on the couch, wear slippers. Daphne: Still, Mr. Crane, you really overdid it. Martin: No, I didn't. Daphne: I don't know if I can accept this. Martin: Why not? Daphne: Because you've spent far too much. Martin: All right, well, I'll take a couple of things back. Martin takes some out of the basket. Daphne: No, wait. [puts one back] Have that one. [gives him another] Martin: Daphne, will you please just take the damn basket? Daphne: Well, what are you getting so cross about? Martin: Well, what? You can give me a gift but I'm not allowed to give you one back? Daphne: Oh, so that's the only reason you gave me this? Martin: Yeah, that's the way it works. Daphne: Well, where I come from you don't just give someone a gift because you have to. [hands over basket] Here, take your silly basket. Martin: All right, fine. Well then, you can take your crappy little cardigan back too. [takes it off and gives it her] Daphne: Fine! Martin: I don't know why you gave it to me in the first place. Daphne: Because I like you. Martin: Well, I like you. Frasier enters. Daphne: Then why can't you just accept my gift and be happy? Martin: I am happy, I love that cardigan. Daphne: And I love my damn basket. Frasier: What is all this? Daphne: Oh, we're just exchanging our damn gifts. Martin: Here. [gives her basket] Daphne: Here. [gives him cardigan] Martin: [angry, yelling] Thanks! Daphne: [angry, yelling] Thank you! Daphne leaves to her room. Frasier: Good Lord, it's like Christmas morning in the Gambino household! Martin: By the way, Niles called while you were in the shower to remind you about the squash tomorrow. Frasier: That's strange. I just made that date this morning, he must be really champing at the bit to get an answer to that question. Martin: What question? Frasier: Oh, he asked me if I thought he and Maris were meant to be together. Martin: Well, if you ask me, you should keep your bazoo shut! You're always getting into trouble opening that big bazoo of yours! Frasier: Oh wonderful, dad, we've found a new word to strike from your vocabulary. Along with patootie and bupkis! Martin: You're going to answer him, aren't ya? Frasier: Well, I think I have to. But listen, I'm just going to play it safe. Tell him yes. He's gonna do what he wants to anyway. Martin: Hey, I don't know, he takes your opinion pretty damn seriously. Frasier: Well, when we were younger, there was a certain sway I had over him. Oh God, do you remember that time back in prep school when he was going to try out for the track team and I convinced him all the really cool kids were going to join the Madrigal society. Martin: I'm not just talking about school, I mean he's always come to you for career decisions, too - where to do his residency, where to set up his practice. Frasier: Hmm, perhaps I have underestimated my influence. You know, frankly, my opinion could be the single most important factor in his making this decision. Martin: Well, I don't know if I'd go as far as that. Frasier: Oh, please, dad. You don't know what it's like to have your opinion matter! Niles depends on me, he deserves my true and honest answer. Martin: And what is that? Frasier: Well, Maris has always been spoilt and selfish and led him around by the nose, I'd have to say my answer would be no. Thank you, dad. I've changed my answer from a yes to a no. Martin: There you go. Frasier sits in his leather chair and looks out the window. Martin stands up. Frasier: On the other hand... I knew it. You know, there are a lot of other factors here, dad. Niles does love Maris. Martin meanwhile has left the apartment, Frasier doesn't notice. Frasier: She has agreed to go into therapy; Niles swears that she's a changed person. I don't know, I guess if I really want to know what's going on in Maris's mind, I've got to ask her myself. Meanwhile, Martin has entered with the newspaper. Frasier: You agree with that, don't you dad? Martin: Oh, yeah, sure. [sits] Frasier: Well, I've got a couple of hours before my date. So what I'm going to do, if I really want to know was Maris is thinking, I will go directly to the source. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene Five - Caf Nervosa. Frasier is sat at the table as the waitress approaches. Waitress: Are you ready to order? Frasier: Ah, well, not quite yet, I'm still waiting on someone. [stands] Oh, there she is now. Fraiser waves to someone entering. We see a small, thin, pale woman wearing huge dark glasses with her head wrapped in a scarf enter the caf , waving in his direction. Could this be...?! However, in the next split second, she turns to the person she was really waving at, and is immediately followed by Marta, Maris's 78 year-old Guatemalan maid, who returns Frasier's wave. Frasier: Marta! Marta sits with Frasier. End of Act One Act Two Scene One - Caf Nervosa. Continuing from act one. Marta and Frasier are chatting. Frasier: Marta, I can't tell you how nice it is to see you again. Marta: My pleasure, and this coffee is too, too divine! Frasier: I see your English lessons with Maris are progressing, yes? Marta: Yes, she teaching me many words. [points to a woman] That coat is so declass . Frasier: Listen Marta, I'm going to come right to my point. Dr. Crane and Maris - Missy Crane - have both been seeing a couples' therapist lately and I understand it's going very well. Marta: Therapy helping Missy Crane a lot. Frasier: Really? So you would say that she is a changed person? Marta: Si, si, Missy Crane very different: nicer to everyone, and this time no happy pills! For my birthday she give me beautiful Chanel makeup bag. It's a knock-off, but it's big! Frasier: Oh, all right then, this is my question: if Dr. Crane and Mrs. Crane were to get back together, do you... do you think Mrs. Crane would treat Dr. Crane better? Marta: Oh, jess, please ask Dr. Crane to come home. Frasier: Marta, you've been most helpful. You know, lately I've been wondering if Niles and Maris ought to be together. Now, thanks to you, I know that the answer to that question is yes. Marta smothers a giggle with her hand. Frasier: What? Did I say something funny? Marta: No, my beeper's on vibrate, it tickled me. [takes it out] Sorry, I have to go, Missy Crane needs me. Frasier: Oh, that's all right, I understand. Marta: Thanks for coffee. [blows him two kisses] Call me! Marta exits. Frasier: Well, there is a limit! Daphne: [enters] Hey. Frasier: Oh, Daphne. Daphne: Was that Mrs. Crane's Marta who was just leaving? Frasier: Yes it was, we were just sharing a coffee. You know, I wanted to help allay some of my fears about Niles and Maris getting back together. Daphne: Yes, I expect she'll be glad to see Dr. Crane back in that household. Well, I should get my beans. Frasier: Wait, wait, Daphne, what do you mean? Daphne: Well, I'm sure Dr. Crane acts as a good buffer between Mrs. Crane and the help. Frasier: Gee, it never occurred to me that Marta might have an ulterior motive. Daphne: Who can blame her? Mrs. Crane can be a bit demanding. Daphne goes to the back of the caf where she meets a friend and chats with her before going to the counter. Whilst she is doing all this, Frasier sits on his seat talking to himself, thinking Daphne is still there. Frasier: Well, this taints Marta's entire testimony. Is it possible she could have lied to me? Now then, with my training there aren't many things that can escape my notice, as I'm sure you've observed, Daphne. Gee, how could she lie to me? Now you see the predicament I am in. Every time somebody gives me a valid argument, somebody else comes along and gives me a perfectly valid counter-argument. One minute I think the answer is yes, the next minute I think it's no! God, this is driving me crazy. Well, I've got to stick with it, Niles asked me what I think... that's it... what I think! Of course I don't know what I think right now, well. But it's hard to be focused... Daphne arrives back by his side. Frasier: Don't you agree, Daphne? Daphne: Oh, yes, absolutely! [SCENE_BREAK] SO THE ANSWER IS "YES", "NO", "YES", "NO"? Scene Two - Streets Of Seattle. Frasier and his date, Elise, are getting into Frasier's car. Elise: I'm so glad we're finally doing this. Frasier: Hmmm? [distant] Me too. Elise: Is everything all right, Frasier? Frasier: Oh, yes, yes, I'm just a little preoccupied. Frasier lets Elise into the car and goes round to the driver's side. Frasier: [to himself] Stop obsessing! Enjoy the date! Frasier gets into the car. Frasier: Here we are. Elise: So, where are we going? Frasier: Well, I've chosen a little Italian place I know, if that's all right? Elise: I trust your judgment, but then who doesn't? Frasier looks thoughtful. Elise: Are you okay? Frasier: Oh, I'm sorry. Well, I told myself I wasn't going to bring this up to you, and I don't really think it's appropriate for a first date, but I haven't been able to think about anything else all day, so here goes: Do you think it's possible for two people to be meant for each other? Elise: [thinking he's talking about her and him] You've thought about that all day? Frasier: [missing the signals] Yes. Elise: [excited] Why, yes I do! Frasier: You do. But how do you know that they're meant for each other? Of course it's essential they have similar interests, goals in common... Elise: Don't forget physical attraction. Frasier: Oh, well, that's a given. But you know, my ex-wife had all those things, our marriage was an unmitigated disaster. Elise: She probably just didn't appreciate you. Frasier: No, not entirely. Elise: Did she listen to your show everyday, sometimes even tape them so she could listen to it in bed at night? Frasier: [still missing signals] I didn't have a show then. I just- what it comes down to is, what is that special something that makes us cry out, "Yes, you're meant to be together!" Elise: Who knows, all that matters is that we both feel it! [a look of horrified realisation flashes across Frasier's face] I should have told you months ago how I felt, but I was too insecure. I never dreamed you felt the same way I did. [Frasier turns away] Frasier, don't turn shy on me now. What'cha thinking? Frasier: [looks at her and laughs] Elise, I'm thinking you are quite the practical joker! [laughs] Pretending not to know that I was really talking about my brother, Niles, and his wife. Surely Roz must have told you? Elise: Oh, yes. [fakes an embarrassed laugh] Frasier: Sense of humour, that's another thing for two to have in common. Elise: Frasier, I have a headache, I think I'm gonna just take a rain-check on tonight, okay? Frasier: [realizing] Elise, we can still go out, just pretend that none of this ever happened! Elise: Perfect! Elise gets out of the car and runs in embarrassment. Mentally, Frasier kicks himself. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene Three - Frasier's Apartment. Frasier is lying on the couch nursing a cognac. Frasier: I can't for the life of me figure out why this decision is causing me so much anxiety. There's just so many things to be considered, you know. The camera pulls back to reveal he's talking to Eddie. Frasier: On the one hand, you know, perhaps I'm afraid if Niles and Maris reconcile, well then we may lose the friendship he and I developed during their separation. On the other hand, if Maris does take him back, well then I won't have to feel so responsible for him. There's just so much at stake! Eddie barks. Frasier: Oh, not that kind of steak! Listen, you're driving me crazy, I can't hear myself think here, I'm going to take a walk. Frasier stands with his coat, Eddie follows. Frasier: Oh, not with you. Go away. [then:] Time for your bath! Eddie runs off. Frasier: So gullible! Frasier exits. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene Four - Streets Of Seattle. Frasier is walking the streets, looking miserable and confused. We hear Jazz music as he walks though the alleys, likening the scene to a black-and-white film noir. Frasier notices a poster advertising a symphony which includes a piece, among others, by Charles Ives entitled "The Unanswered Question." Frasier is wracked by this. He carries on walking and passes a wall which is covered with petitions for the passing of Proposition Eleven. There are some which say "Yes" and some which state "No." Frasier notices this and is shocked by how it relates to his problem. Frasier then comes to the end of the sidewalk and looks up at the crossing sign. It seems to be on the blink and keeps flashing between "Walk" and "Don't Walk" without giving time to think. Frasier steps forward, stops, steps forward, stops and continues this perpetual cycle. He then passes a cinema. According to the sign it says it is time for a "Jack Benny Festival" and "To Be Or Not To Be" is playing. [N.B. Jack Benny is Kelsey Grammer's strongest comedic inspiration.] Frasier looks down at his feet and kicks a can along the streets whilst hearing tidbits of advice that were heard earlier in the Roz: [v.o] Tell him what he wants to hear. Martin: [v.o] He takes your opinion pretty damn seriously! Marta: [v.o] Missy Crane very different, nicer to everyone. Martin: [v.o] Bazoo! Bazoo! Shut your bazoo! Roz: [v.o] Fat! Fat! Fat! Fat! Eddie: [v.o: barks] Frasier tries to make sense of it all. Scene Five - Niles's Apartment. The apartment is in darkness as the doorbell rings. Niles runs down the stairs in his dressing gown, turns on the lights and slowly goes to the door. He picks up a small ornament of a violin and holds it above his head as protection. Niles: Who's there? Frasier: [o.s] It's Frasier, let me in. Niles puts the ornament down and opens the door. Niles: How did you get up here? Frasier: Well, the doorman was asleep. Niles: Well, what a coincidence, so was I. Frasier: I'm sorry, Niles, I apologise for the late hour. Niles: What's wrong? You smell of the streets! Frasier: Well, I was wandering Seattle in desperate search for an answer to your question. I know how crucial my opinion is to you and I didn't want to take your question lightly. Niles: ...What question? Frasier: You asked me if I thought you and Maris were meant for each other. Niles: Oh, right. Frasier: I can't believe it! I've been to hell and back agonizing over this question and you forgot! Niles: No, no, no, I didn't forget. I'm sorry, Frasier, I'm groggy. Come in, come in. Frasier and Niles sit on the fainting couch. Niles: I'm touched that you've given this so much thought. You're a good brother. Frasier: Thank you. Niles: So, please. Frasier: Well, this is hard for me to say but... no. Niles: What? Frasier: I don't think you and Maris are meant to be together. I believe that a marriage should be built on a foundation of friendship and mutual respect. With Maris I fear that you never experienced those things fully. And I question whether you'll ever be truly happy. Niles: [takes it in] I see. Well, thank you. [stands] Frasier: [stands] You're hurt, aren't you? Niles: No, I-I just need some time to process this. I appreciate you stopping by, it's just that it's one of those times I need to be alone. A bell is heard from upstairs, they both hear it. Frasier: Did you just hear a bell? Niles: No. Glad you came, go home, get some rest... The bell is heard again. Frasier: There it is again. Niles: No, I don't think so. Frasier: Wait a minute... Oh, Niles! Maris is here, isn't she? How could you?! Niles: Well, she offered and I said yes. Frasier: How could you do something like this without waiting for my opinion? Niles: Well, someone certainly has a high opinion of his opinion! Frasier: Oh, why don't you just go run back to her before she sprains her wrist! Niles: Frasier, Frasier, I know what you're thinking, but you're wrong. Maris has changed. She now understands that she cannot control me. I am my own man. The bell rings. Niles: I don't actually respond to that. [The bell rings] It's a little joke we have between us. [A whistle is blown] Okay, that means business! Niles closes the door on Frasier and bounds up the stairs. Outside, Frasier leaves in disgust. End of Act Two [SCENE_BREAK] The next morning, Niles is bringing a breakfast tray out of his kitchen. He takes it to a woman who is sat at the table but we cannot see her face for she is holding a newspaper, shielding herself. However, she is obviously a small woman. Niles lays the tray down in front of her. She lowers the paper to reveal... Marta. Marta takes the tray upstairs to Maris as Niles watches her.

Niles asks Frasier's opinion on whether he and Maris are meant to be together. Frasier evades the question, and while Niles continues to wait for an answer after the meeting, Frasier is plagued by indecision. He talks to Roz, who encourages him to support his brother; he talks to Martin, who says he should not underestimate how much Niles values his opinion; he talks to Marta the maid, who claims that Maris has changed; and he talks to Daphne, who warns him that Marta may just want Niles back. Frasier even lets the problem interfere with a date that he has, with disastrous consequences.

fd_The_Office_09x11

fd_The_Office_09x11_0

[Dwight's computer chimes] New Instant Message: Stone & Son Suit Warehouse contract expired with their paper provider! Go get it! -David Wallace [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: Stone and Son Suit Warehouse recently lost their paper provider. They're a family owned business [chuckles]. Jim and I used to clean up at those. We'd go in pretending to be family - brothers. We did it at a family owned law firm, at a family owned construction company, and a family owned motorcycle store. Jim and Dwight Shrupert. I was the dynamic, likeable winner that was doted upon by Mom. And Jim was the closeted foot fetishist pretending to belong. The client never knew any of that, but I knew. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: [on phone with Jim] I hope you've been paying your wig storage bills Jimbo, because it's time for another episode of "Handsome and Stinky, paper brothers for hire". Jim: Sorry, Stinky, can't do it. Too busy. Dwight: Oh, god, this again? You're Stinky. Jim: Okay. There's no possible way I can get there, so just ask Phyllis. She can be your older sister or something. Dwight: Phyllis, my sister? More like my dead great great grandmother who died of stupidity. Phyllis: I have ears, Dwight. Dwight: Oh, do you really have ears, Phyllis? Like all human beings? We all have ears. [back to Jim] See what you leave me with here, Jim? Jim: Hey, I'm in Philadelphia right now. Dwight: How is that my problem? Get in your car and drive down here. You can make it in 30 minutes if you drive 240 miles per hour. Jim: Huh. How long would it take me if I drove 300 miles an hour? Dwight: Mmm. That's a good... question. 300 times... [Jim hangs up] 180... Um that comes to 25 minutes. [realizes Jim hung up] Yes. Oh, well, thank you Jim. Yes, I am better than you. Thanks for acknowledging that. Okay, bye bye. Love you. [SCENE_BREAK] Nellie: Darryl, looking good! Darryl: Heading to Philly. Interview with Jim's company. Pam: Hey, good luck. When you get to Philly, will you tell Jim I miss him? Darryl: Why don't you come along and tell him yourself? Pam: Ha ha. That'd be great. Kind of like ditching school, except instead of getting suspended, you get... What do you get? Oh my god! Why didn't I think of this? Andy's not here. Oh, hey, Erin, um, I'm expecting a shipment of pens. Can you cover that? Erin: Mhm. Cover that. What does that mean, exactly? What are we talking here? Details. Pam: A delivery guy will deliver a box of pens, and you just make sure everything's in order. Erin: What? Everything? What, how do I make sure it's in order? I [laughs] haven't been trained for this. Pam: [giggles] Okay, see you later. [SCENE_BREAK] Clark: Hey guys. Phyllis: Clark! Meredith: Hey! Oscar: Hey, look who's back, Dwight Junior. Kevin: Hey, so how was it? I mean... the s*x with Jan. Clark: A gentleman doesn't discuss such matters. Especially when the feelings of a lady are involved. [SCENE_BREAK] Clark: Women reach their sexual peak at whatever age Jan was last week. I mean it was... like making love with a wild animal. But not like a cougar like you might think. It was uh... like a swarm of bees. Bees that just find something wrong with every hotel room. [SCENE_BREAK] Meredith: Nothing wrong with being a gentleman. Like my mom used to say, "Talk classy, act nasty". Clark: What's with the wig Meredith? Meredith: What, is it on backwards? [partially removes wig, revealing her bald head] Clark: Nope, you got it. You fixed it. Uh, I have a gift from Jan. It's an espresso maker! We came to be quite fond of espresso on the Amalfi Coast so... bon appetite. Phyllis: Ooo! 16 types of espresso! Now that's Italian. Oscar: My friend has one of these. Fool-proof espresso every time. Meredith: Always with the friends Oscar. Can't we just enjoy the new espresso machine? Oscar: Actually, it's pronounced "espresso"... Wait. That's what you said. I apologize, I just assumed you would mispronounce it. So... [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: There he is! [chuckles] We are all so proud of you for the small part that you played in landing the white pages. Prouder of me, but... Clark: If you really want to show appreciation, just give me half the commission. Dwight: Gosh, you know, I wish I could but, uh... No. Hey, listen, remember how everyone used to call you Dwight Junior and how much you loved that? Clark: [sarcastically chuckling] I loved it. Dwight: How would you like to pretend to by my son in order to land a sale? Clark: If it'll lead to me being a salesman, I'll pretend to be your friend. Dwight: Then looks like we have a deal... Son [holds up a suit identical to his] [SCENE_BREAK] Erin: Hi guys! Pete: Hey, look who it is! Erin: Sorry. Super-busy. Pens coming in later, just grabbing a Java before all hell breaks loose. Oscar: Try this one. [handing Erin a cup of espresso] Erin: Thank you! [leaves the room] [SCENE_BREAK] Erin: I don't really have time to think about Pete right now. I just have a lot going on with this whole shipment of pens. And I have a lot of people trusting me, and I would feel super guilty if I broke anyone's trust. About the pens. [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: You ready for your interview? Darryl: I was born ready! No, I suck at interviews. I had Andy's job in the bag until my interview. Pam: Well, you shouldn't be nervous about this. This is a tiny start-up with a bunch of guys just as dorky as Jim. Darryl: Yeah, I guess... Pam: Really, you can't be scared of a room full of Jims. I love the guy, but he's basically Gumby with hair. [Darryl laughs] [SCENE_BREAK] Suit Store Father: [chuckling] It's kind of funny, a father and son sales team meeting with a father and son suit store. Dwight: You know, you're right! We hadn't even thought of that, had we boy? [to Clark] Clark: No, we sure hadn't Pop. [both chuckling] Dwight: [Takes picture from desk] Oh! You're a hunter I see. Spend your early mornings out in the blinds, like Clarky and me. Huh? [grabs Clark's shoulder] Clark: He calls me Clarky 'cause he's my Dad. Dwight: Guilty! Suit Store Father: You don't meet many hunters these days. Clark: My dad is the best hunter there is. I mean, he's like a serial killer... of animals. One time, he snuck up behind a sleeping deer and just sawed its head right of. It was sick! [Dwight imitates sawing and blood spurting out of his neck, then makes a dying noise] Dwight: It was his birthday, just turned three. So... Suit Store Father: Ahh... [SCENE_BREAK] Oscar: You guys, I kind of think I want to try them all. Is that crazy? Nellie: No. Look, without a taste test, how are we supposed to know which flavors we like to reorder? Kevin: Taste test? I'm in! Oscar: YOLO! [singing and dancing] Phyllis: What? [everyone is confused] Oscar: It's a thing. It means "you only live once". Kevin: Yeah, we're aware of what it means Oscar, you just do not look cool saying it. Oscar: Well... Kevin: Alright everybody, who's in? [everyone except Angela puts their hand in the middle of the group, like a huddle] Angela? [Angela shakes her head] Don't make us come over there. Angela: No, I don't... no. Kevin: Alright, let's go. [starts shuffling the whole group towards Angela] Angela: Can't I just agree without putting my hand in? Nellie: Absolutely not! Kevin: No way. Angela: Oh, fine. [puts a napkin on top of everyone else's hands and reluctantly puts her own hand on the napkin] Kevin: Ok guys, "we all drink them all". Everyone: [Meredith, Phyllis, Nellie, Angela, Creed, Oscar, Stanley] We all drink them all! Kevin: Yes! Oscar: Yes! Nellie: Whoo! Phyllis: Hey, where's my ring? Creed: I'm sure it'll turn up. [SCENE_BREAK] Athlead Employee: [in the background] Yes ma'am, you want to go east on Franklin, take that all the way to Commonweath. You'll see us on the right side, you can't miss us. Dennis: ...And I want to reach every demographic possible. Jim: No, I hear what you're saying, and we will. The thing is, we gotta lock down this key demographic first. The rest will come, I promise. Just give me a couple weeks, alright? Dennis: We're talking weeks here, not months, right? Jim: Weeks. Always weeks. Man, the last time I talked months was like, a million weeks ago. Dennis: Alright. Good. Jim: Thanks Dennis, I appreciate it. [To Pam] Hey! How are you? Pam: Good! Jim: What are you doing here? Pam: I just wanted to see you! Jim: That's so great! Darryl: Damn! Jim, you got a real Facebook energy going on here man. You Zuckerberged this place out! Jim: It's pretty great, right? I mean, we're coming along... [to coworker] Hey, Wade, we gotta just push up Dennis's timeline Wade: Okay Jim: [back to Pam] Actually, you know what? Give me one second, okay? Make yourselves at home. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: ...But I think that all of your concerns will be answered when you see the brochure that Clark's getting out of my car. He's a good boy, does whatever I say. Suit Store Father: [sighs] I can't relate to that, my son hates my guts. Dwight: Oh... really. Suit Store Father: Bring him into the business, and he resents me. How do you like that? Dwight: [fumbling] Well, things between me and Clark are good, but not great. In fact, I will say that they're not even good. Really, they're bad. Like you and your son. Clark: [enters] Here you go, Pop! I know it was just a couple minutes, but... God I missed you! Dwight: What took you so long? Were you loitering out there like a hooligan, smoking a doobie? Clark: [confused] I sure was. Just like he taught me, looking cool. Dwight: You're being disrespectful! Clark: ...And I love you, for saying that. Dwight: [whispers to Clark] We don't get along. Clark: [catches on] Ha ha! I just burned him. Because the truth is... our relationship is... terr- Dwight: Terrible! Clark: Terrible. Dwight: Yes! Genius. Stupid, stupid genius! [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: Wow, this place is... so great. I had no idea - on the phone, you made it sound kind of dinky. Jim: Well, I mean, I don't even have the paycheck yet. It is a startup, so... These things go down all the time. Darryl: If this company's going down, I wanna go down on it. With it. I wanna go down with it. Jim: [to Pam] Are you cool to just hang out? Pam: Sure, no problem. Jim: Yeah? [to Darryl] You ready? Darryl: Yeah. Jim: Let's do it! [SCENE_BREAK] Erin: The pen delivery went amazing, and now I've got all these pens just waiting to be unpacked. But Pam did not tell me to unpack the pens, and I'm not one of those people who's just like, "Uh, sure. I'll accept the pens when they come in, and then as soon as your back's turned, I unpack the pens and get all this credit as some great pen unpacker. On the other hand... they are just sitting here. Pam didn't tell me not to unpack them. Don't want to be a busybody, but I don't want to be a lazybones. Busybody, lazybones. Busybody, lazybones. Ahh! My brain is ping-ponging around in my head right now, it's insane! I'm sorry, what was your question again? Oh yeah, no. I've never had an espresso before. They're good though. [SCENE_BREAK] Nellie: A-bam! [slams espresso cup on table] My favorite is Viennese Amaretto. And the worst flavor I've tried so far is Alpine Select! Kevin: Yes! [giggles and picks up Angela] Angela: Ugh! Kevin: One! [as he picks Angela up in the air] Angela: Kevin! Kevin! Kevin! Kevin: Two... [picks Angela up again] Angela: Stop it! Kevin: Three... Oscar: That's enough Kevin. Angela: Stop it Kevin! Kevin: Four! Oscar: That's enough! Angela: Kevin! [SCENE_BREAK] Clark: So for your menswear catalogue, I think we can offer you some very competitive pricing. Suit Store Father: I heard that before... Clark: Well, I understand, but - Dwight: I bet you have. He knows nothing about what people have heard before, my son. Clark: Here we go again, another lecture from the old man. Suit Store Father: Listen to him. He created you. Dwight: Maybe if you listened a little bit, you'd improve. No wonder women despise you. Clark: Women don't despise me... Dwight: His last girlfriend was a transvestite. I knew it right away. Adam's apple like the prow of a ship, thumbs like a lowland gorilla. Ha, but this one couldn't see it, or didn't wanna see it. Clark: Alright, that's enough, 'cause I can say some things about him too. Dwight: Yeah? Like what? Clark: Like the time that you got drunk and, and then... Killed those kids on their way to prom! Dwight: That never happened. He's always been a liar. Ever since he was a little kid. He got caught "saving treats" from the kitty litter box. Suit Store Father: Really shameful... Clark: So we can offer you matte or glossy printing- Dwight: Glistening brown morsels tumbling from every pouch in his trousers. Clark: There's obviously a volume discount uh, if you- Dwight: Following the cat around on his knees with his hands cupped beneath its tail, going "please kitty, may I have some more?" You can't make this stuff up! Clark: No, I think someone could make it up. Someone with very few friends. Suit Store Son: Hey fellas, sorry to keep you waiting. Suit Store Father: Here he is, my son. Dwight: [scoffs] Got cat turd collector written all over him. Suit Store Son: ...Did you say cat turd collector? [SCENE_BREAK] Athlead Employee: ...So definitely looking to expand our market, but for now we're just concentrating on athletes that are popular here in the northeast. Of course, that's not a mandate. Darryl: "Mandate"- Always think of two men on a date. [awkward moment] I have gay friends... I have one gay friend. [to Jim] Oscar? Jim: Mm-hm Athlead Employee: Alright, so what makes you think you'd be a good fit here? Darryl: [freezes] Ummm... [a moment later] Alright. Obviously y'all look really busy, and uh, I don't want to waste your time anymore. Sorry, I just uhh... Obviously I'm not qualified to be here man, I'm... I'm a warehouse manager, you know... Athlead Employee: Darryl, I was a newspaper editor. Female Athlead Employee: Science teacher, volleyball coach. 3rd Athlead Employee: I work at a home shopping network. 4th Athlead Employee: I'm a laywer. I'm the only one here who can honestly help. [group chuckles] Jim: And as you know, I was a paper salesman. [whispers to Darryl] Hey, I find it helps if you just picture everybody naked. [group overhears and chuckles] Darryl: Cool. Hey, thanks... Athlead Employee: So how about we start over, hmm? Darryl, do you have any thoughts on the company? Darryl: Yes, as a matter of fact, I uh... [pulls booklets from his bag] I wrote some down. There you go. [passes out booklets] Wow, this guy came prepared, it impresses me! [group laughs] [SCENE_BREAK] Stanley: Ah! So, this is what 2:00 P.M. looks like around here! [SCENE_BREAK] Stanley: I usually take a siesta about now. [SCENE_BREAK] Pete: [to Erin] Stocking pens, huh? You're like the new office administrator. Erin: No, I just took over the pen shipment because Pam had to leave. When I say it out loud, I know that sounds insane, but it's the truth, I swear. Kevin: Pam! Pam, look out! Erin's gunning for your job! Erin: No, I'm not! [Kevin imitates gunfire] It's not like that at all! Forget it, I'm so sorry. Kevin: Pam, look out! Erin: Pens, you did not buy into this. I am sorry, what a day you've had. [SCENE_BREAK] Athlead Employee: By the way, Jim talks about you all the time. Pam: That's sweet that he talks about me. Athlead Employee: It's too bad he still hast to work part time in Scranton though... Pam: Well, that's funny because I think of him as working part time in Philadelphia. Athlead Employee: We can't wait until you move here. [SCENE_BREAK] Suit Store Son: I'm sorry, you guys are here to sell us paper? Dwight: Do you mind? The men are talking. Suit Store Father: Sons used to idolize their fathers. Dwight: Us old timers need to stick together. And how better than by signing a contract? Suit Store Father: I'd love to! Sam Junior here, he runs the business now. Kind of pushed me out, truth be told. I'm just here for human contract. Suit Store Son: Okay Pop... Dwight: Wait, so you're the boss? Suit Store Son: That's right. Clark: Hi, I'm Clark. Suit Store Son: Hey. Clark: Let's talk. Suit Store Son: Okay. Clark: So if you look at our catalog here... [SCENE_BREAK] Athlead Employee: Well, thanks for coming down Darryl. Female Athlead Employee: It was nice meeting you Darryl, I think you'd fit in great here. Darryl: Yeah, yeah me too. I think it'd be like... You know what? [grabs basketball] I think it'd be like a Kevin Durant jump shot... Perfecto! [shoots basketball at hoop on wall, basketball misses and lands in fish tank, killing the fish] Oh my god... [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: They're the ones who put a fish tank next to a basketball hoop. It's like if I put a glass of milk on the edge of the table and Cece knocks it over, I don't blame Cece. Darryl: So I'm like a three year old girl in this scenario... Pam: Say they don't hire you. It's not like you're out on the street. You have a great job with people who love you. Darryl: And I'd only get to see Jada on the weekends. You know, I'm... I'm not so sure I'd like living in Philadelphia. Pam: Right? Thank you! It's just Philly. Everyone's acting like it's New York or Paris or London. Darryl: Who needs it? Pam: Not us. Jim: [enters] Okay, so the consensus was that that was unique. They're going to make you pay for the fish, and... they wanted to know when you can start. Darryl: What? [Jim shrugs] How about yesterday? Pam: Congratulations. Darryl: Oh, thank you. Pam: I guess you gotta move to Philly after all. Darryl: Yes, I love Philly! Two-One-Five or die! [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: No, I'm not upset. I'm really excited for Darryl... Maybe I'm a little disappointed that we'll be losing him. [SCENE_BREAK] Kevin: It feels really hot in here. Is it hot in here? It feels really really hot in here. Oscar: It's insane! They need to have the A.C. on year round! January too! Angela: [banging on window] I don't get the point of this stupid window! [SCENE_BREAK] Clark: I mean, look, you and I both know that in paper or fashion, styles change. Check out my dad's suit. You are looking at pure acrylic. That's why his face always breaks out. Suit Store Son: Does that suit come with a fire extinguisher? [Clark chuckles] Clark: You know what Dad? Maybe you should buy me a suit. I mean, I'm going to need one right? If I'm ever going to get a "real job" and move my "lazy ass" out of your "G.D. house". Suit Store Son: He's got you there... [SCENE_BREAK] Suit Store Son: [to Clark in dressing room] That's Italian silk. Very comfortable. Very tasteful... Although expensive. Dwight: Yeah, you don't want Italian. You'll look like a mafia don. Next thing you know, you'll be doing life in Rikers Island. Clark: Well, that's better than looking like the undertaker from boring island. Dwight: That place doesn't exist. It's not a documented island. Ha ha, cartograph much? Clark: [emerges from dressing room wearing a sharp black suit] How do I look? Dwight: Actually... You look great. They steered you right. I guess it does make sense buying from a father son team. You know what? I'll take one too. [SCENE_BREAK] Oscar: Everyone! Now that we have all this energy, why don't we move the copier into the annex like we've always wanted to? Nellie: Whoo! Meredith: Frickin' A! Oscar: Huh? Kevin: So long, noise! Oscar: One, two, three! [all gather around copier and push, tearing carpet beneath] Nellie: And we have torn up the carpet! Oh, we're going to be in so much trouble! Oscar: Wait! [looking at the hardwood floor beneath the carpet] It's beautiful. Hardwood! I always knew it was down here, I just never dreamed that I would actually see it. Meredith: Tear up the carpet! Nellie: Whoo! [SCENE_BREAK] Darryl: Kill their fish, and they still hire me. That's how you do that, baby. It's all good, I'm ready. Y'all ready for this? [sings intro to "Everybody dance now", points to Pam to sing first line] Pam: [reluctantly] Everybody dance now... [Darryl continues singing] [SCENE_BREAK] Oscar: Kevin, move. I can't pull up the rug if you're standing on it with your rhinoceros feet. Kevin: Well I can't stand here if you pull the carpet out from under me. Angela: Oh, my head is killing me. Does anyone have a baby asprin? Nellie: Oh, enough with the whining already! Why don't you just have some more coffee? Stanley: It's all gone. I didn't get a chance to try them all because Creed poured my Bogota Sunrise in the plant. Creed: I saw the leaves twitch! Angela: Shut up! Creed: You shut up! Oscar: Everybody shut up and work! Phyllis: We don't work for you! Kevin: Yeah! Angela: Yeah! Stanley: Hey, it's five o'clock. [everyone leaves and a traffic backup occurs in the parking lot] Oscar: [with horns honking] Kevin, can- Angela: What's going on? [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: Yes! We did it! [leaving the suit store] Clark: You opened the door- Dwight: And you closed it. The boys are back in town. [high fives Clark] High fives! Ha ha! Clark: Hey, so all that really specific cat turd business, that was about you, right? Dwight: You got me! [tickles Clark and chuckles] I used to collect them! Clark: Why? Dwight: Each one is very different, like a snowflake. [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: [shocked after seeing the torn up carpet] Hey... What happened here? Erin: You left me in charge of the pens, Pam. That's what happened. The pens happened. Pam: ...Are the pens here?

Clark returns from his stint as Jan's sexual assistant and Dwight enlists his help; the two pose as a father and son so that they can successfully sell to the owner of a suit warehouse. Darryl travels to Philadelphia with Pam to interview at Jim's new company; after a mixed interview, Darryl gets the job. Meanwhile, Pam starts to realize that her family may have to leave Scranton.

fd_Once_Upon_A_Time_01x08

fd_Once_Upon_A_Time_01x08_0

-[Fairy Tale World]- (A human Rumpelstiltskin is spinning straw in a crude looking house. His son frantically rushes inside.) Baelfire: Papa! Papa! They've come for Morraine. (Rumpelstiltskin and his son go outside. They live in a village. They watch from a distance as several knights drag away a young girl from her screaming parents.) Mother: No! Father: No! Please, please! Mother: No! No, don't take her! No! No, you can't take her! She's my baby! Don't take my baby! Hordor: Nonsense. She's a fine, strong girl. She'll make a fine soldier. Father: It's a mistake - she's turning fourteen. Only fourteen! Hordor: Orders of the Duke! The Ogre Wars have taken their toll this season. More troops will turn the tide. Baelfire: They lowered the age again, Papa. Rumpelstiltskin: I know. Hordor: Take her. (The other knights grab the girl.) Hordor: She'll ride with me. (The girl is shoved onto the back of his horse.) Mother: No! Father: You can't have her! (The woman draws a knife and lunges towards the knight. Suddenly, she and the man are stopped by some invisible force. In the field behind them, there is a cloaked figure on a black horse, who appears to be the one that's controlling them. The man and the woman wither on the ground.) Hordor: The Dark One seems to think I can. (The dark figure relents and the Hordor, the knights and the girl ride off.) Baelfire: My birthday's in three days. They'll come for me in three days! Rumpelstiltskin: We'll find a way. We'll... We'll find a way. -[Real World]- (Mr. Gold is covering a piece of cloth with lanolin in the back room of his pawn shop. Emma enters through the front door and calls out for him.) Emma: Gold! In here? Mr. Gold: Well, it is my shop. (Emma enters the back room.) Emma: Whoa! What is that? Mr. Gold: Oh, this is lanolin - used for waterproofing. Emma: It smells like livestock. Mr. Gold: Well, it is the reason why sheep's wool repels water. Emma: It stinks. Um, if there was a reason you called the Sheriff's Department... If you want to talk about that quickly- Mr. Gold: Yes. Emma: Or outside... Mr. Gold: I just wanted to, uh, express my condolences, really. The Sheriff was a good man. You're still wearing the Deputy's badge. Well, he's been gone two weeks, now, and I believe that after two weeks of acting as Sheriff, the job becomes yours. You'll have to wear the real badge. Emma: Yeah, I guess. I'm just not in a hurry. So, um, thank you for the kind words. (Emma goes to leave and exits to the main part of the shop. Mr. Gold follows her.) Mr. Gold: I have his things. Emma: What? (He walks over to a box on the counter.) Mr. Gold: The Sheriff. He rented an apartment that I own. Another reason for my call, really. I wanted to offer you a keepsake. Emma: I don't need anything. Mr. Gold: As you wish. Well, give them to Mayor Mills. Seems like she was the closest thing he had to family. Emma: I'm not sure about that. Mr. Gold: No love lost there, I see. Look, I feel that all of this stuff is headed for the trash bin - you really should take something. Look - his jacket. Emma: No. Mr. Gold: Well, look. Your boy might like these, don't you think? You could play together. (He holds up a pair of walkie talkies.) Emma: I don't- Mr. Gold: No, please. They... They grow up so fast. Emma: Thanks. Mr. Gold: You enjoy these with your boy. Your time together is precious, you know? That's the thing about children - before you know it, you lose them. [SCENE_BREAK] (Emma meets Henry at his playground castle, bringing the two walkie talkies with her. She sits down next to him and hands him one.) Emma: Brought you something. Thought we could use them together for Operation Cobra. Henry: Thanks. Emma: Oh, come on! What's up? You've been ducking me for weeks. Henry: I think we should stop Cobra stuff for a while. You don't play with the curse. Look what happened to Graham. Emma: Henry, I told you they did an autopsy. It was totally natural causes. Henry: Okay, whatever. You don't believe - good. That should keep you from messing with it. And getting killed. Emma: You're worried about me? Henry: She killed Graham because he was good - and you're good. Emma: Henry... Henry: Good loses - good always loses. Because good has to play fair - evil doesn't. She's evil. This is probably best. I don't want to upset her anymore. (Henry gives Emma back the walkie talkie and leaves.) [SCENE_BREAK] (Emma throws her keys on her desk at the station. The Sheriff's badge is there. She goes to put it on, when Regina enters.) Regina: Oh, I'm sorry. That's not for you. Emma: It's been two weeks - promotion's automatic. Regina: Unless the Mayor appoints someone else within the time period, which I'm doing today. Emma: So, who's it going to be? Regina: After due reflection - Sidney Glass. Emma: Sidney from the newspaper? How does that even make sense? Regina: Well, he's covered the Sheriff's Office for as long as anyone can remember. Emma: And he'll do whatever you want him to. You just cannot stand the fact that things have been getting better around here, can you? Regina: Better? Are you referring to Graham's death as 'better'? Emma: No. Regina: He was a good man, Miss Swan. He made this town safe, and forgive me for saying it, but you have not earned the right to wear his badge. Emma: Graham picked me to be Deputy. Regina: He was wrong. Emma: No. He knew what he was doing. He freed this office from your leash. You're not getting it back. Regina: Actually, I just did. Miss Swan, you're fired. (Regina takes the Sheriff's badge off the desk and leaves.) [SCENE_BREAK] (At Mary Margaret's apartment, Emma is trying to pry open a toaster with a knife. She has the music blaring and there is a half empty bottle of whiskey on the table. Mary Margaret comes home and sees what Emma is doing. She turns off the music.) MMB: Toaster broken? Emma: It wasn't when I started with it. Pretty sure it is now. Just needed to hit something. MMB: What's going on? Emma: Regina fired me so she could put one of her own puppets in as Sheriff. It's my job. MMB: I never heard you so passionate about it before. What happened? Emma: I don't know, I just... I know I want it back. MMB: There must be a reason. (There's a knock on the door.) Emma: Maybe I just want to beat her. (Emma answers the door and it turns out to be Mr. Gold. He has a large binder under his arm.) Mr. Gold: Good evening, Miss Swan. Sorry for the intrusion. There's something I'd like to discuss with you. MMB: I'll let you two talk. (Mary Margaret leaves the room.) Emma: Come on in. Mr. Gold: Thank you. I, uh... I heard about what happened. Such an injustice. Emma: Yeah, well, what's done is done. Mr. Gold: Spoken like a true fighter. Emma: I don't know what chance I have. She's Mayor and I'm, well, me. Mr. Gold: Miss Swan, two people with a common goal can accomplish many things. Two people with a common enemy can accomplish even more. How would you like a benefactor? Emma: A benefactor? Mr. Gold: You mind? (He gestures to the table and both he and Emma sit down. He puts the binder on the table and opens it.) Mr. Gold: You know, it really is quite shocking how few people study the town charter. Emma: The town charter? Mr. Gold: Well, it's quite comprehensive. And the Mayor's authority? Well, maybe she's not quite as powerful as she seems. -[Fairy Tale World]- (Rumpelstiltskin approaches his sleeping son and tries to wake him up.) Rumpelstiltskin: Bae. Bae. Waken up, son. Come on. Waken up, son. We're going now. We're going now! Come on. Come on! (Baelfire wakes up and the two of them leave the house.) [SCENE_BREAK] (Rumpelstiltskin and Baelfire are walking through the woods with their things.) Baelfire: It feels wrong to run away. Rumpelstiltskin: It's worse to die, son. I'm not having you taken away to the Ogres' war. (They encounter a beggar along the path.) Beggar: Alms for the poor? Alms for the poor? Rumpelstiltskin: Yes. (Rumpelstiltskin gives the beggar a few coins.) Beggar: Oh! Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you. (The two continue on through the woods.) Baelfire: Are we sure there's no other way? Rumpelstiltskin: Oh, I can't lose you, Bae. You're all I've got left, son. You don't understand what war is like - what they do to you. (The sound of approaching horses is heard in the background.) Rumpelstiltskin: Quick - hide! In the ditch - hide! Go, go! Go! Hordor: Stop right there! (Hordor and several knights on horseback surround Rumpelstiltskin and his son.) Hordor: What are you doing on the King's realm? Rumpelstiltskin: We have some wool to sell at the fair at Longbourne. Hordor: I know you, don't I? (Hordor gets off his horse and walks up to Rumpelstiltskin.) Hordor: What was your name? Hm? Spindleshanks? Threadwhistle? Hobblefoot? Baelfire: His name's Rumpelstiltskin. Rumpelstiltskin: Hush, boy! Hordor: Rumpel- Ah, the man who ran. Is this your boy? How old is he? What's your name? Baelfire: I'm Baelfire and I'm thirteen. Hordor: When's your birthday? Baelfire: In two days time. Rumpelstiltskin: Hush, boy! Hordor: Did you teach him how to run as well, Rumpelstiltskin? Did he tell you? Did he tell you how he ran and the ogres turned the tide of the battle, and all the others were killed, and he returned home to a wife who could not bear the sight of him? Rumpelstiltskin: Please... Hordor: You see, women do not like to be married to cowards. Rumpelstiltskin: Please don't speak to my boy like that. Hordor: It's treason to avoid service. Take the boy now. Rumpelstiltskin: No, no, no, no! What do you want? Hordor: What do I want? You have no money, no influence, no land, no title, no power. The truth is, all you really have is fealty. Kiss my boot. Rumpelstiltskin: I don't understand- Hordor: You asked my price. Kiss my boot. Rumpelstiltskin: Not in front of my boy. Hordor: Kiss my boot! (Rumpelstiltskin gets on the ground and kisses Hordor's boot. Hordor, along with the other knights, laugh as he does so. Hordor then kicks Rumpelstiltskin in the stomach and he falls to the ground.) Baelfire: Papa! (Hordor returns to his horse and the group leaves. Suddenly, someone is heard coming towards Rumpelstiltskin and Baelfire. It turns out to be the beggar from earlier.) Beggar: No, no, no! No! It's okay. Let me help you. Let me help you home. Baelfire: Thank you, old man. (The beggar helps Rumpelstiltskin up.) Rumpelstiltskin: I don't have any money to pay you. Beggar: I can think of another way. You just leave me whatever you can spare, and I'll find a way to be your benefactor. Come. -[Real World]- (Regina, Sidney, and several news reporters are gathered in Regina's office.) Regina: Everyone deserves to feel safe in their own homes. That's why Sidney Glass is my choice for post of Sheriff. This man has put the needs of Storybrooke above his own for as long as any of us can remember as chief editor of the Storybrooke Daily Mirror. Please welcome your new Sheriff! (Regina goes to pin the Sheriff's badge on Sidney, when Emma enters.) Emma: Hang on a second. Regina: Oh, Miss Swan, this is not appropriate. Emma: The only thing not appropriate is this ceremony. She does not have the power to appoint him. Regina: The town charter clearly states the Mayor shall appoint- Emma: A candidate. You could appoint a candidate. It calls for an election. Regina: The term 'candidate' is applied loosely. Emma: No, it's not. It requires a vote. And guess what, Madam Mayor? I'm running. Regina: Fine. So is Sidney. Sidney: I am? (Regina turns around and gives Sidney a look.) Sidney: I am. Regina: With my full support. I guess we'll learn a little something about the will of the people. Emma: I guess we will. -[Fairy Tale World]- (Rumpelstiltskin and the beggar are sitting by the fire eating stew. Baelfire is asleep.) Rumpelstiltskin: Another day gone. There'll be no fleeing, now. Beggar: No. You need to find another way. You need to choose a different path. Rumpelstiltskin: Choose? What choice do I have? Beggar: Everyone has a choice. Rumpelstiltskin: I'm the town coward. The only choice I have is which corner to hide in. I'm lame, friendless... The only thing I've got is my boy. And they're going to take him away from me. If they take him away, I would truly, truly become dust. Beggar: Not if you have power. Rumpelstiltskin: You may as well say diamonds. Beggar: Get a hold of yourself! Think. Why do you think that someone as powerful as the Dark One would work for a useless fool like the Duke of the Frontlands? Rumpelstiltskin: Tell me. Beggar: The Duke has the Dark One in thrall. He's enslaved him with the power of a mystical dagger and on the blade is written a name - the true name of the Dark One. If you steal the dagger, then you would control the Dark One yourself. And then no one would be able to take your son away from you. Rumpelstiltskin: To keep a man like the Dark One as a slave? No, I... I-I can't. I'd be terrified. Beggar: Then, perhaps, instead of controlling the power, you need to take it. -[Real World]- (Mr. Gold is sitting in his pawn shop staring at the flame from a lighter. Regina enters and he puts the flame out.) Mr. Gold: Regina. (She flips the sign on the door to the 'closed' side.) Mr. Gold: Shall I move some things? Make a bit of space for your rage? Regina: You found that loophole in the town charter. Mr. Gold: Legal documents - contracts, if you like. Always been a fascination of mine. Regina: Yes, you love to trifle with technicalities. Mr. Gold: I like small weapons, you see. The needle, the pen, the fine point of a deal. Subtlety - not your style, I know. Regina: You're a b*st*rd. Mr. Gold: I think your grief's getting the better of you, Regina. Shame what happened to Graham. Regina: Don't you talk about him. You know nothing. Mr. Gold: What is there to know? He died. Regina: Are you really going up against me? Mr. Gold: Not directly. We are, after all, both invested in the common good. We're just picking different sides. Regina: Well, I think you picked a really slow horse this time. It's not like you to back a loser. Mr. Gold: She hasn't lost yet. Regina: She will. Mr. Gold: Never underestimate someone who's acting for their child. Regina: He's not her child. Not legally. Mr. Gold: Oh, now who's trifling with technicalities? [SCENE_BREAK] (Henry is sitting at a booth in Granny's Diner and reading a newspaper. Emma enters and sits down next to him.) Emma: How was school? Henry: Okay. Emma: You're reading that paper pretty hard. Henry: Sidney wrote it. (Henry passes Emma the paper. On the front page, there's an article titled 'Ex-Jailbird - Emma Swan birthed babe behind bars'.) Henry: Is it a lie? Emma: No. Henry: I was born in jail? Emma: Yes. These records were supposed to be sealed. Tell me you're not scarred for life. Henry: I'm not. Well, not by this. Emma: Good. Then, let's throw this out and we will get our news from something more reliable. Like the internet. Henry: This is what I've been trying to tell you - good can't be evil, because good doesn't do this kind of thing. My mom plays dirty - that's why you can't beat her. Ever. Emma: I have a new ally. Mr. Gold said he's going to help. Henry: Mr. Gold? He's even worse than she is. You already owe him one favour. You don't want to owe him any more. Don't do this. [SCENE_BREAK] (Emma enters Regina's office at the Town Hall with the newspaper in hand.) Emma: This was a juvie record. This was sealed by court order. I don't know how you got it, but that's abuse of power and illegal. Regina: Oh, I'm sorry. You didn't want people to know you cut his cord with a shiv? Emma: I don't care what people know, but this hurts Henry. Regina: He would've learned eventually. We all lose our heroes at some point. (Emma and Regina exit the office and walk through the building.) Emma: He doesn't need to lose anything more. He's depressed, Madam Mayor. He doesn't have any... Any hope. Don't you see that? Regina: He's fine. Emma: He's not fine. I mean, think about it. Watching his adoptive mother throw an illegal smear campaign against his birth mother? You don't think that would be upsetting? Regina: All I did was expose him to the truth. And as for the legality - I did nothing wrong. But you and Sidney will have a chance to get into all that at the debate. Emma: Debate? Regina: Yes, Miss Swan, there's a debate. You two can talk about jail time and juvie records and maybe even your new association with Mr. Gold. He's a snake, Miss Swan. You need to be careful who you get into bed with. Emma: I'm not getting into bed with anyone. I'm just fighting fire with- (Regina opens the door and an explosion is set off, setting the next room on fire. Emma and Regina are thrown back from the blast. Regina's ankle is crushed by a piece of debris and is immobilized. Emma frees Regina.) Emma: Alright, come on - let's go! We got to get out of here. Regina: I can't move! You have to get me out. Help me! -[Fairy Tale World]- (Rumpelstiltskin and Baelfire are outside making what look to be torches using wool.) Rumpelstiltskin: Keep that fire good and stoked, Bae. The sheep's fat needs to be liquid and get that wool good and soaked. Baelfire: Why are we doing this, Papa? This is good wool. We can spin and sell- Rumpelstiltskin: These are our keys to the castle, son. And once I'm inside - something I have to take. Baelfire: What do you need to take? Rumpelstiltskin: That old beggar? He told me a fine tale - about the Duke and his magical dagger. Baelfire: What does it do? Rumpelstiltskin: If I own that dagger, I control the Dark One. If I kill the Dark One with the dagger, I take his powers. Baelfire: By god's name. Rumpelstiltskin: Imagine me with those powers. Can you imagine me with those powers, Bae? I could get to redeem myself. I could turn it towards good. I'll save all the children of the Frontlands - not just you, my boy. Baelfire: I'd love to see that, but if the law says I'm to fight, I... I can fight. Rumpelstiltskin: No, no, no! The law doesn't want you to fight, son. The law wants you to die. That's not battle - that's sacrifice, son. You look at that red in the sky. That's not the... The fires of the battlefields - that's the blood of our people, son. It's the blood of children. The blood of children like you. I mean, what sane person would want to get involved with that? Baelfire: So, it's true. Rumpelstiltskin: What? Baelfire: It's true. It's true you ran. Rumpelstiltskin: I had no choice, son. Baelfire: And Mother? Did she leave you like the knight said? You told me she was dead. Rumpelstiltskin: She is dead. Baelfire: So, what do we need to do? Rumpelstiltskin: The Duke's castle is made of stone, but the floors and the rafters are made of wood. Baelfire: Why does that matter? Rumpelstiltskin: Because wood burns. -[Real World]- (Regina and Emma are still in the burning Town Hall. Emma goes to leave, but Regina grabs her arm and stops her.) Regina: You're going to leave me, aren't you? (Emma breaks free of Regina's grasp and leaves into the next room that's on fire. Regina tries to get up on her own, but Emma comes back with a fire extinguisher. She gets the fire under control and clears the way to the exit. Regina puts her arm around Emma's shoulder and the two leave the building. Outside, a reporter takes a picture of them leaving and sirens are heard in the background.) Regina: Oh, ow, ow! My ankle! Set me down gently! Emma: Seriously? You're complaining about how I saved your life? Regina: The firemen are here. It's not like we were really in danger. Emma: Fine. Next time I'll just... I'll just... Ah, you know what? Next time, I'll do the same thing. And the time after that because that is what decent human beings do. That's what good people do. (Emma walks away from Regina. By the fire truck, Henry is talking with a firefighter.) Henry: Did Emma really rescue my mom? (Regina is on a stretcher with an oxygen mask. She overhears Henry and throws off the mask in anger.) Regina: Enough! Paramedic: Regina. Regina: I'm fine. (Sidney runs up to Regina with a camera and takes a picture.) Sidney: Nice shot of the victim? Regina: Sidney? What the hell are you doing? Are you trying to hand this election to her? Sidney: But it's news. Regina: She's the competition, you fool. (Emma and various people from town are talking in a group.) MMB: Did you really rescue Regina? Henry: She did! The fireman said it. They saw it. Ruby: You are a hero. MMB: We should see if they have a picture of the rescue. Granny: We could make campaign posters. Archie: Oh, people would love that! That's a great idea. Wait, so... (The group walks away, leaving Emma and Henry alone.) Emma: This is how good wins. You do something good and people see it, and then they want to help you. Henry: Maybe you're right. Emma: You see, Henry? We don't have to fight dirty. (In the pile of debris, Emma notices the same fabric that Mr. Gold was preparing in his shop when she spoke with him.) [SCENE_BREAK] (Mr. Gold is wiping off his hands with a rag when Emma enters the pawn shop. She has the fabric from the fire with her.) Mr. Gold: Loads of visitors today. Do hope you're not going to break my little bell. Emma: You set the fire. Mr. Gold: I've been right here, Miss Swan. Emma: Take a whiff. It smells like your sheep crap oil. Turns out it's flammable. Mr. Gold: Oh. Are you sure? There's some construction working on at City Hall at the moment. There's loads of flammable solvents used in construction. Emma: Why did you do it? Mr. Gold: 'If' I did it. If I did it, that would be because you cannot win without something big. Something like, uh... Oh, I don't know. Being the hero in a fire? Emma: How could you even know I'd be there at the right time? Mr. Gold: Maybe Regina's not the only one with eyes and ears in this town. Or maybe...I'm just intuitive - were I involved. Emma: I could've run and left her there. Mr. Gold: Not the type. Emma: I can't go along with this. Mr. Gold: You just did. This is just the price of election, Miss Swan. Emma: A price I'm not willing to pay. Find another sucker. Mr. Gold: Okay, go ahead - expose me. But if you do, just think about what you'll be exposing and what you'll be walking away from. (Emma heads for the door.) Mr. Gold: Oh, yes. And, um... Who you might be disappointing. -[Fairy Tale World]- (Rumpelstiltskin and Baelfire are at the base of the Duke's castle. They set one of the torches they made on fire and place it in a pile of straw. The fire spreads up the castle walls, burning the parts made of wood. Inside, the ceiling and rafters are falling apart. Rumpelstiltskin enters a room with several large flags in the wall. He pulls one aside, revealing the dagger hanging behind it. Rumpelstiltskin takes the dagger and sees the name 'Zoso' written on it. He quickly leaves the burning room.) -[Real World]- (People are outside of the Town Hall. Above the entrance, there's a banner that reads 'Debate today - Sheriff's election'. Mary Margaret is stapling posters promoting Emma on the bulletin board. She runs into David, who is also putting up posters.) MMB: David! Hi. David: Mary Margaret. Hi. MMB: I was just, uh... David: Yeah, yeah. Me too. MMB: How are things? David: Okay. Oh, I got a job. Yeah, I'm working at the animal shelter. MMB: Really? David: Yeah. MMB: So. Sidney. (She nods to the poster David is handing up.) David: My wife is friends with Regina, so... MMB: Oh, right. How is Kathryn? David: Good. She's meeting me here later. MMB: That's wonderful. Well, I'm all out of posters. I'm going to go get some more. [SCENE_BREAK] (Behind the scenes, Sidney is getting ready for the debate. Archie is there practicing his opening speech.) Archie: Citizens of Storybrooke. Uh, we welcome you to, uh... Welcome, citizens of Storybrooke, uh... Uh, we welcome you, citizens of Storybrooke. Welcome, uh... (Emma is waiting at the podium. Mary Margaret comes up to her and hands her a piece of paper and a bottle of water.) Emma: I'm not going to win. MMB: What are you talking about? Everyone's talking about what you did in the fire. Emma: No, Henry's right - I can't beat Regina at this. Not the way she fights. Watch and see. MMB: Is this really just about beating Regina. Emma: It's just... MMB: Henry. Emma: I want to show him that good can actually win. MMB: That's why you want to win it for him, but why do you want to win the election for yourself? Emma: That is why. I want to show him that a hero can win. And if I'm not... If I'm not a hero and I'm not the saviour, then what part do I have in his life? Okay. There it is. MMB: There it is. -[Fairy Tale World]- (Baelfire is sitting behind a tree in the forest when Rumpelstiltskin returns from the castle.) Baelfire: Papa! Rumpelstiltskin: Oh, Bae. Baelfire: I was so worried for you. Are... Are you burned? The castle- Rumpelstiltskin: I'm fine, son. I'm fine. I need you to go home and wait for me there. Baelfire: Come with me - please. I have a bad feeling. Rumpelstiltskin: Bae, this is something I have to do on my own. Go home, son! Go home and wait for me, Bae. I'll be back. You go. (Baelfire leaves. Once he is gone, Rumpelstiltskin pulls out the dagger. He holds it up in the air and chants the name.) Rumpelstiltskin: Zoso. Zoso. I summon thee! (Nothing appears to happen and Rumpelstiltskin lowers the dagger. When he turns around, he comes face to face with the Dark One. He stumbles backwards.) Zoso: You were asking for me? Rumpelstiltskin: Submit, O Dark One! I control you! Zoso: Yes, you do. Wield the power wisely. You can wield at any time now. It's almost dawn. That means it's your son's birthday. I bet Hordor and his men are already on their way to your house. Rumpelstiltskin: No, they can't take him. Zoso: You don't control them - you control me. Have you ever wondered - was he really your child at all? Unlike you, he's not a coward and yearns to fight and die in glory. Rumpelstiltskin: No... Zoso: What a poor bargain that would be - to lay down your soul to save your b*st*rd son. So, I ask you - what would you have me do? Rumpelstiltskin: Die. (Rumpelstiltskin stabs the Dark One with the dagger. They fall to the ground and the Dark One's face morphs into the face of the beggar. He laughs.) Rumpelstiltskin: It's you. You're the beggar. Zoso: Looks like you made a deal you didn't understand. I don't think you're going to do that again. Rumpelstiltskin: You told me to kill you. Zoso: My life was such a burden. You'll see. Magic always comes with a price and now, it's yours to pay. Rumpelstiltskin: Why me? Why me? Zoso: I know how to recognize a desperate soul. (The Dark One stops talking and appears to be dead.) Rumpelstiltskin: No! No! Stay! You have to tell me what to do! Tell me what to do! (Rumpelstiltskin's hand begins to change colour. He pulls out the dagger and sees that the name has changed to 'Rumplestiltskin'(sic).) -[Real World]- (Archie is giving his opening speech to the audience. Emma and Sidney are sitting on either side of him.) Archie: Tragedy has brought us here, but we are faced with this decision. And now, we ask only that you listen with an open mind and to please vote your conscience. So, without further ado, I'd like to introduce you to the candidates - Sidney Glass and Emma Swan. Glass. Swan. Sounds like something that a decorator would make you buy. Wow, crickets. Okay, uh... Uh, Mr. Glass - your opening statement. (Sidney walks up to the podium.) Sidney: I just want to say, that if elected, I want to serve as a reflection of the best qualities of Storybrooke. Honesty, neighbourliness, and strength. Thank you. (Sidney sits back down and Archie calls upon Emma.) Archie: And Emma Swan. (Emma walks up to the podium.) Emma: You guys all know I have what they call a, uh... Troubled past. But, you've been able to overlook it because of the, um... Hero thing. But here's the thing - the fire was a setup. Mr. Gold agreed to support me in this race, but I didn't know that that meant he was going to set a fire. I don't have definitive evidence, but I'm sure. And the worst part of all this was - the worst part of all this is - I let you all think it was real. And I can't win that way. I'm sorry. (Mr. Gold gets up from the audience and leaves.) [SCENE_BREAK] (Emma is finishing off a drink at Granny's Dinner. Ruby is behind the counter.) Ruby: Another? Emma: Oh, hell yes. (Ruby goes to get another drink and Henry enters the dinner. He sits next to Emma.) Emma: Hey, Henry. (He pulls a walkie talkie out of his book bag and hands it to Emma.) Emma: What's this for? Henry: You stood up to Mr. Gold. It's pretty amazing. Emma: Well, he did something illegal. Henry: That's what heroes do - expose stuff like that. I shouldn't have given up on Operation Cobra. (Regina and Sidney enter the dinner.) Regina: I thought I might find you here. With a drink. And my son. Emma: Here to card me, officer? Sidney: Well, not at all. In fact, I think I'll join you. Emma: Here? I don't know. I think they're setting up a back room for the victory party. Sidney: Oh, well, you'll have to tell me what that's like. Regina: Congratulations. ...Sheriff Swan. (Regina pulls out the Sheriff's badge and places it on the counter.) Henry: Wait, what? (The people from Storybrooke start to file into the dinner.) Regina: It was a very close vote, but people really seem to like the idea of a Sheriff brave enough to stand up to Mr. Gold. Emma: Are you joking? Sidney: She doesn't joke. Regina: You didn't pick a great friend in Mr. Gold, Miss Swan, but he does make a superlative enemy. Enjoy that. -[Fairy Tale World]- (Hordor and the group of knights are at Rumpelstiltskin's house. They have Baelfire.) Hordor: Everyone's watching from behind their curtains today. (One of the guards suddenly falls to the ground. Rumpelstiltskin is shown behind him with the dagger. He no longer looks human. Hordor kneels.) Hordor: Dark One. (Rumpelstiltskin walks towards him.) Hordor: No... Who are you? Rumpelstiltskin: Have you forgotten me already? What was it you used to call me again? Spindleshanks? Hobblefoot. Baelfire: Papa? Hordor: Rumpelstiltskin. Rumpelstiltskin: Wonderful. And now, you shall know me as the new Dark One. How about a little fealty? Kiss my boot. (When Hordor bends over, Rumpelstiltskin grabs him, and then stabs him.) Baelfire: No, Papa! (Rumpelstiltskin kills the rest of the knights with the dagger.) Baelfire: Papa? What has happened to you? Rumpelstiltskin: You're safe, Bae. Do you feel safe, son? Baelfire: No. I'm frightened. Rumpelstiltskin: I'm not. I protected what belongs to me and I'm not scared of anything. -[Real World]- (Emma is at the station. She enters the Sheriff's office and notices a jacket hanging on the coat rack. Mr. Gold then walks in.) Mr. Gold: The Sheriff's jacket - I thought you might want it after all. Emma: You do know I'm armed, right? Mr. Gold: It's all part of the act, my dear. Political theatre in an actual theatre. I knew no one was going to vote for you unless we gave you some kind of extraordinary quality, and I'm afraid saving old Regina's arse from the fire just wasn't going to do that. We had to give you a higher form of bravery. They had to see you defy me - and they did. Emma: No way. There's no way you planned that. Mr. Gold: Everyone's afraid of Regina, but they're more afraid of me. By standing up to me, you won them over. It was the only way. Emma: You knew I'd agree. Mr. Gold: Oh, yeah. I know how to recognize a desperate soul. Emma: Why did you do this? Mr. Gold: We made a deal some time back, Miss Swan. We established that you owed me a favour. I know that can be a bad feeling - owing someone. Now that you're Sheriff, I'm sure we'll find some way for you to pay back what you owe me. Congratulations. -[End]-

Emma makes the decision to run for a coveted Storybrooke public office following a devastating tragedy and Regina engages in dirty politics after Gold makes a bold move while a series of events are revealed in which a cowardly spinner embarks on a quest to help his son avert the horrors of a meaningless war.

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[ EXT. Montrose Hill State Penitentiary ] [SCENE_BREAK] ( Action Six News are showing helicopter footage of a United States penitentiary in Jacksonville, Kentucky. The caption reads: 'Breaking news, Oswald Danes to be executed at 6AM.' ) Newsreader: 6AM is the appointed time of death as laid down by the state of Kentucky. Oswald Danes faces his last moments on this earth. Members of the public have gathered outside the Montrose Hill state penitentiary, but the planned protests against the death sentence have failed to appear, which isn't surprising given the nature of the offence... ( A fair haired man in an orange prison outfit stares into space. This is Danes. ) Newsreader: A former schoolteacher convicted in 2006 convicted of the rape and murder of 12 year old Susie Cabina, Dane will be remembered for his infamous line of defence. Upon his arrest, he told the police "She shoulda run faster." [SCENE_BREAK] [ Execution chamber ] [SCENE_BREAK] ( There are lots of crazy camera angles as we take in the glassed off public gallery, the microphone in the ceiling, the young cop attending Danes and Officer Cole, an older white man with a walrus moustache. ) Cole: The condemned is permitted to make a final statement. D'you have anything to say? [SCENE_BREAK] [ CIA Analysts Office / Car ] [SCENE_BREAK] ( Dane is lying on the bed. He lifts his head from the pillow to make eye contact with a short haired woman in the public gallery. This is Susie Cabina's mother. He says nothing. Cole leaves the room and we see plungers being depressed in close-up as the lethal injection makes its pale green way along the tube to Dane's body. For a moment, it looks peaceful, then his head jerks back violently. He makes choking noises and starts pulling against his restraints. A moment later he has pulled an entire armrest off the table in his frenzy. The cops return to the room. Cole restrains Dane while the younger cop pulls a curtain across the window, blocking the view from the public gallery. We cut to a close up of a woman's mouth ) Esther: Did you ever hear of Torchwood? ( A black man is driving a car through extremely heavy rain. This is Rex Matheson of the CIA. ) Matheson: Never mind that. Guess what I just heard. You know Steve Reynolds? Well it turns out his wife is sick. She has leukemia or something like that. Whatever it is, it sounded long term. ( Back to Esther, a twenty-something CIA employee with her blonde hair in a ponytail. She is staring at a computer screen. In the background we can see her colleagues at their workstations. Everybody looks busy. ) Esther: It's British. The Torchwood Institute. Matheson: Hello? Are you listening? Y'see if Steve's got to come home, that leaves a space in Venezuela and I spent 18 months working out the Maricaibo routes. So it's mine! Ha ha ha! I get promoted. Esther: Congratulations. Matheson: Thank you. Esther: ( Chiding ) Steve's only been married six months. Matheson: What do you want from me? It's a tragedy. Esther: All the same this might be worth following. ( On her screen we can see a single email containing the word 'Torchwood' in a big font. A search results screen on the right lists headlines: "Cardiff Mass Hysteria", "Fire In The Sky Over London Eye", "Government Denies Torchwood Cover Up". She opens the news stories and reads. ) Esther: The word Torchwood has just been emailed to every East Coast section chief completely bypassing security. Just one word: Torchwood. ( The analyst on the next desk is a young black man named Noah Vickers. He tries to get Esther's attention. From the desk behind him we can hear an older, blonde agent names Charlotte Wills on the phone. ) Noah: Following up this Torchwood incident, just wondering if you can access the EU files? Charlotte: No it's not Touchwood, it's Torchwood. Tee, oh, are, see, aitch double you-- Matheson: So what is Torchwood anyway? Esther: I've looked it up. There's some pretty freaky stuff, I'll send it to you now. ( She pulls up a dialogue box. "Sending to: R Matheson" but when she hits send, she gets a security alert. ) Matheson: Well it sounds more like intelligence, not clandestine. Noah: Are you getting this? ( Computers start failing all over the room. ) Matheson: And if it's got the title Institute that means it's been officially sanctioned by the UK government, which is a big hassle, because as we all know, that administration is like kindergarten. Esther: It's gone. It just got wiped, like a virus. It just vanished. Matheson: Okay, well I guess that's that. Now go ask around about Steve's wife. Get a proper diagnosis. We need a timeline on this. And pass that Torchwood thing onto somebody else, it has absolutely nothing to do with me. ( An huge lorry is speeding through the rain, then brakes suddenly. We see the wheels judder around as it comes to a stop and four metal poles are flung from the back of the truck and through Matheson's windshield. Three miss him, but we see the fourth come out the back of his seat red with blood. ) Matheson: Eeyargh! Esther: Rex? Rex? ( And as Rex stares at the pole sticking through his chest in disbelief, we cut to Gwen waking up in a darkened room in Wales. ) [SCENE_BREAK] [ Bedroom ] [SCENE_BREAK] ( She sits up with a gasp and looks around wild eyed for a moment. Rhys is lying beside her still half asleep and doesn't open his eyes. ) Rhys: You okay? Gwen: Yeah. Yeah. Dunno. Just... bad dream. Rhys: What about? Gwen: Oh, what d'you think? ( She flops back down onto the bed. ) Gwen: Torchwood. [SCENE_BREAK] [ City General Hospital in Washington, DC. ] [SCENE_BREAK] ( Two male paramedics are pushing a gurney. Lying on his side on the gurney is Matheson. He has to lie on his side because the iron bar is still sticking out on either side of his torso, although it's been cut down so that there are now only six inches either side. He's wearing an oxygen mask and is covered in blood. ) Paramedic: His pulse is fast and weak. Systolic BP of seventy. Beats me how he's still alive. ( Matheson is still conscious and does not look comforted by this comment. A Latina doctor joins the team with the gurney. This is Doctor Vera Juarez. ) Vera: Rex, my name is Doctor Juarez, okay? We're taking you straight into surgery. Do you understand? ( Esther appears behind the gurney. ) Esther: Is he okay? His name is Rex Matheson. Vera:Are you family? Esther: No I'm just a colleague. We work in the same department. Vera: Family only. ( Esther is left behind as they head into surgery. ) Vera: He's the second one tonight, DOAs who just won't die. Paramedic: We had a jumper this afternoon. Twenty two floors. Everything pulverised. Pneumothorax, both sides. Same thing. Just wouldn't die. ( Matheson stares up at the bright lights in the operating theatre. The white overwhelms the screen. Further credits play over the next section. ) [SCENE_BREAK] [ Welsh Farm ] [SCENE_BREAK] ( We come back in on ariel footage of a craggy coastline on a grey day. You can tell from the weather that it's Wales. We move in on an isolated cottage. Gwen and Rhys are in the garden. Rhys is raking. Gwen is watching the helicopter flying overhead. ) Rhys: Don't be so suspicious. Gwen: What they flying past for? Rhys: Because they can. It's a free country. Just looking. Now stop it. ( A title credit informs us that this is Wales, UK, 8AM. ) [SCENE_BREAK] [ INT. Farmhouse ] [SCENE_BREAK] ( Gwen is feeding a baby and talking to her. ) Gwen: So I went outside all on my own. Twas midnight. Not a sound to be heard. And I looked up and a woman came out out of the sky. Ah. Shining she was like moonlight. Her eyes were white. blazing white. And then she started to sing like a thousand choirs. One woman with a thousand voices and it was beautiful. ( Rhys enters behind her ) Rhys: That's enough don't you think? Gwen: Who's being paranoid now? Rhys: You promised me you'd keep her away from this stuff. Gwen: Yeah, well. Be fair. She's too young. She thinks it's all jut a fairy tale. Rhys: It was a nightmare, Gwen. Your life back then was a living nightmare love. ( There is a knock at the door. They both tense instantly. ) Rhys: ( whispering ) There's somebody at the door. Gwen: Ssh! Rhys: ( whispering ) What do we... Gwen: ( whispering ) You and... ( There is some frantic pointing as they silently communicate their plans. Then there is another knock and they spring into action as dramatic music plays. They both move quickly towards wardrobes that have been converted into weapons stores. Gwen grabs and loads a pistol. Rhys picks up a shotgun. The baby watches all this with interest. Rhys stands to one side of the doorway with the rifle at the ready and smiles at the baby. ) Rhys: Ssh. ( Gwen opens the door with the pistol held behind her back. It's a couple of elderly ramblers in bobble hats and sensible shoes. ) Ramblers: Hi. Hello. Sorry. ( Unseen by the hikers Rhys rolls his eyes and exhales. ) Male rambler: Hope we're not disturbing you. Just wondering. if we're going back to the village is it quicker to go back across the beach or will we get cut off at this time of day? Better to ask I thought just in case. Female hiker: We have got proper shoes. We can get across nice and quickly. Gwen: It's private property. I'm busy. ( She closes the door on them. And goes to watch from the window as they leave. ) Rhys: ( putting on a west country accent ) Get off my land! Gwen: Shh. Oh my god, I could have shot them. Rhys: Hey, hey. We're safe sweetheart. No one knows we're here. All that stuff's long since gone. No more Torchwood, right? Gwen: Yeah okay. Rhys: It's gone. Forgotten, eh? Gwen: Yeah, all right. Sorry okay. Rhys: Come here. ( He kisses her. At the bottom of the drive, the ramblers look back up at the cottage. We hear another helicopter as we cut to ariel footage of the capitol building at night, making the title card saying "Washington DC, USA, 3AM" at least partly redundant. ) [SCENE_BREAK] [ Hospital ] [SCENE_BREAK] ( Esther is sitting in a darkened waiting room with her head in her hands. Juarez appears in the doorway. ) Vera: Popular man, Rex Matheson. We've had three different station chiefs on the phone. No sign of his family? Esther: We only have a number for his father. I left a message, but nobody's called back. Is he..? Vera: No. No, he made it. He's alive. Esther: God, I... Thank you, I... The paramedics said he didn't stand a chance. Vera: Well, looks like sombody's changed the rules. Miracles got... easy. ( They walk through the hospital together ) Vera: It's not only Rex who's still alive. So is everyone else. Esther: Sorry, I don't get you. Vera: It started last night. First I knew, they called up from the morgue, they were laughing. They said 'What's happening up there, you on strike?' Turns out no one had died. 24 hours since this hospital had a death. Not one. Not from old age, not from injury, not from sickness. All day long. Esther: Just a coincidence I suppose. Vera: That's what I said, yeah. Then I was on a call to St Jude's in Chicago. And they said 'Well, here's a funny thing: Past 24 hours, we've registered no deaths, not one.' So I called my ex-husband. He's at Cedarbrook. Same story. All day, no deaths. I tried London. I have this friend at the Royal Free Hospital. I called her, she said 'That's weird. It's the same thing over here.' Twenty four hours. No one's died. What do you think of that? Hmm? One lucky day. AWM Reporter: The survival of Oswald Danes turns out to be the first incident in a much bigger story breaking live this morning. Male Anchor: When the Kentucky Medical Authority made a chance comment that it hadn't recorded a single death over twenty four hours... Senior male anchor: Seventeen more authorities immediately reported the same thing. The story exploded on social network sites. ( Speaking Spanish ) AWM Reporter: .. miracle trending as the number one topic. From Maine to California, the story is the same. Male Anchor: For the past thirty six hours... Both: .. no fatalities have been reported. Reporter: No one has died. Male anchor 2: Not one person in the United States... Male Anchor: Not a single death. All: Miracle Day. Senior male anchor: Miracle Day. That's what's being called. Male Anchor: Miracle Day. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Montrose Hill State Penitentiary visiting room ] [SCENE_BREAK] ( Buzzer sounds ) Peterssen: Mister Danes, I'm Alexander Peterssen representing the governor's office. Danes: What, I don't get a personal visit? Peterssen: I'm afraid not, given the circumstances. But the governor's office would like to offer its condolences without an admission of liability for any physical distress caused by events beyond its control. Danes: Condolences? He can't just say sorry? Peterssen: You have to respect his position. You're a convicted pedophile, sir, and a convicted murderer. By your own admission, you took the life of a twelve year old girl, so the governor's apology is always gonna be within certain limits. Danes: When are you gonna let me go? Peterssen: Well, I don't think that's possible. Danes: I've served my sentence. Peterssen: Granted, the execution was flawed, but that doesn't defer the sentence. With respect, you don't reprieve a man you failed to hang because the rope snapped. Danes: Indeed. And with respect, that particular aphorism applies only for an execution which has failed. Peterssen: And that's you. Danes: On the contrary, I would maintain, and my lawyers would maintain, my sentence was carried out successfully. Nothing went wrong absolutely nothing. The fact that life and the laws of life on this Earth have changed is hardly my fault. Peterssen: Society is full of out there laws, Mister Danes. Nonetheless, they still apply. Danes: That's right, Mister Peterssen. And when considering the persistence of the law, then the Eighth Amendment clearly forbids the application of cruel and unusual punishment such as mine alongside the Fifth Amendment and I quote, "Nor shall any person be subject for the same offense twice." The Founding Fathers practically had me in mind when they wrote the Constitution. Don't you think though? Don't you think? Because I can guarantee, Mister Peterssen, that when I talk of lawyers, I mean the team who will be suing the governor and I mean the governor himself. Not his office, but the actual man. They will be suing him for wrongful imprisonment. And I promise you that they will sue his ass to high heaven till angels sing songs of him in their laments. Is that clear? Peterssen: Perfectly. Danes: Then go tell him, because with every passing second that's a million dollars more. Mister Peterssen, thank you. Thank you very much. [SCENE_BREAK] [ CIA Analysts Office ] [SCENE_BREAK] Charlotte: Hey. Heard about Rex. Is he okay? Esther: Yeah. Thought it was a miracle, turns out it's everyone. Did you get any more on that Torchwood thing? Charlotte: No, it's been shut down. Orders of Brian Friedkin? Goes through his office only. Case closed. Esther: But what was it? 'Cause the way those files disappeared... Charlotte: The world changed overnight, yeah? Some old British thing is not on the top of the list. Esther: Torchwood. If that wasn't a virus, it's got to be some sort of malware. Noah: It's like nothing I've ever seen. The word Torchwood is vanished. It's been eradicated. If you search for Torchwood, you get no results. Nothing gets no results. Esther: Then there's got to be something on paper. Noah: The shelves are bare. It's all gone to Friedkin. I asked Yvonne. ( Clears throat ) She said it was classified under the 456 regulations. She said you want to stay away. Esther: Why? Noah: They all died. So the story goes. Anyone that worked for Torchwood was killed in action. And they died young. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Hospital room ] [SCENE_BREAK] Nurse: Seen the TV? ( Gulps ) It's not just you. ( TV turns on ) Woman on TV: This goes beyond America. It's worldwide. You've got the same reports from Europe, from Asia, from Africa. Man: Every death is different. You can't suspend death like it's a fixed concept. This goes against the fundamental rules of life on Earth. They shot him! They shot my brother like bam, bam, bam, but you know, he's still alive and his heart's still going. He reached out. WNKW: Whether it's a disease or an experiment or a project gone wrong, it's obvious we're the victims now. We're the lab rats. Angry nurse (on TV): These people are dead. That's what they are. Dead people sitting up in bed. They terrify me. I'm not touching them. I'm sorry, but they should be corpses. That's what they are, living corpses. ( Velcro rips ) ( Groans ) ( Beeping ) ( Groans ) ( Beeping faster ) ( Sobbing ) Vera: The metal missed the spine, but the pericardium was lacerated and a coronary artery was crushed and thrombosed. That's the one in your leg. I had to transplant a section of vein from your thigh. Rex: But how did I survive? Vera: I... don't know. But even when your heart stopped beating, the process continued. The process of life, the viability of the flesh, the transfer of oxygen. It just didn't stop. Rex: But do I get better? Do I heal? Or do I just hurt for the rest of my life? Because if this thing keeps going, the rest of my life is forever, right? Vera: Rex, now listen to me. 'Cause you might want to take something under consideration. That maybe you were lucky. ( Scoffs ) You should've died last night, but when this thing happened, the miracle, it gave me time to fix you. Without the miracle, you'd be dead. Rex: It's like someone cast a spell over the whole world. But what happens when it stops, huh? What happens to me then? Do I die? [SCENE_BREAK] [ Farmhouse ] [SCENE_BREAK] Rhys: Oh, you are so cheating. ( Laughs ) Gwen: Cheating? How can I cheat painting a wall? Only a man could turn this into a competition. Rhys: You just went whoosh. Gwen: Well, look, whoosh. Rhys: With one stroke. That's hardly a coat. ( Phone rings ) Gwen: Oh, bollocks. Oh bollocks, bollocks. Rhys: It might be nothing. Gwen: There's only one reason why that phone could ring. Look, where have you put it? Where have you put it? Rhys: It's in here, it's in here. Gwen: What is it? What is happened? [SCENE_BREAK] [ Cardiff ] [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: This is Sergeant Davison with a phone-in report of one suspect, male, in the vicinity of Saint Helen's Hospital, Cardiff City. Suggest rendezvous at 02:00 hours in the agreed position. ( Beeps ) [SCENE_BREAK] [ Farmhouse ] [SCENE_BREAK] Gwen: It's my dad. He's in hospital. Uh, I've got to see him. I'm sorry, Rhys. We've got to go back. [SCENE_BREAK] [ CIA Archive ] [SCENE_BREAK] Archivist: Friedkin's office took all the Torchwood files, cleared us out. Esther: I know. He sent me the double check. 'Cause files get left behind, and especially if there's a hard copy inside an associated pile. That sort of thing always gets missed. Just need to check on all the associations. Archivist: Okay. Esther: Not sure where to begin. Archivist: Better find out then. Esther: Right. Okay. Thanks. ( Sighs ) ( Rips ) Esther: ( Softly ) 456. 456. 456. 456! ( Rips ) Jack: Come with me. ( Gurgles ) ( Clangs ) Jack: Down! ( Groaning ) Esther: Oh, my God. Is he gonna die? Jack: Don't worry about it. No one dies these days. Assassin: You want to bet? ( Pants ) ( Coughing ) Jack: Whoa. Anyway, Captain Jack Harkness. Nice to meet you. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Outside the CIA Archive ] [SCENE_BREAK] ( Sirens blaring ) Jack: Here you go. Esther: That man... Jack: He was after me, not you. Esther: Why? Why would he want you dead? Jack: On the very day that no one's dying? Wish I knew. And what got you so involved? Esther: I'm not even authorized for this, but this friend of mine, I was telling him about Torchwood and he crashed his car while I was talking to him. And I can't help but thinking that it's all my fault. Jack: I know the feeling. Esther: So what is Torchwood? ( Sighs ) Jack: Torchwood no longer exists. Esther: Then what was it? Because there were photos in that file of a man who looked just like you, but it said 1939, then 1925. Is he your father? Jack: I suppose it must be. Esther: Are you all right? Jack: Yeah. I hurt my arm. Esther: Considering what we just went through, I would say that was a miracle. Jack: Yeah, another one. The Torchwood Institute was set up by the British royal family in 1879 to defend the realm of Great Britain by investigating the unusual, the strange and the alien. Esther: I'm kind of guessing "alien" doesn't mean foreign. Jack: Alien as in extraterrestrial. Esther: Oh, my God. Jack: This whole situation worldwide, that's exactly the kind of thing we used to investigate. Esther: Torchwood, they said that people died, but there was that other photo. Gwen Cooper. There was no date of death. Jack: She's still alive. The last one left. And I'm gonna keep her safe, which means making sure that the Institute stays dead and buried. Esther: So that first email last night, the one that just said Torchwood? Jack: Wasn't me. God knows who it was. But that was enough to call me back, and I got to work releasing the malware, destroying hard copies, removing all traces of the word, using Retcon. What's Retcon? Esther: What's Retcon? Jack: It's a smart drug. Selective amnesia. Esther: No. Jack: You won't remember a thing. Nice to meet you, Esther. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Hospital room / Corridor ] [SCENE_BREAK] WVBS Reporter: The fire at the CIA archive is now under control... Rex: An explosion right at our doorstep. It's a gift. Now take a look at the victims. Are they dead or not? Vera: You're not the first to think of it, Mister Matheson. Now, you can stop running the case from a hospital bed. Rex: Wait, wait, wait, what are you talking about? Who else is there? Vera: I really can't talk. Rex: Who else is onto this? Vera: I'll check the Ringmain. Rex: The what? Hello? Jack: FBI. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Hospital room ] [SCENE_BREAK] Rex: Hey, my man, what the hell is the Ringmain? Male Nurse: It's the internal cameras. Security system, that's all. ( Huffs ) ( Phone keys beep ) ( Groans ) Rex: Yeah. Yeah, this is Rex Matheson with the CIA. Put me on with your chief of security. Yeah, right now. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Mortuary ] [SCENE_BREAK] Santini: Session begins supervised by attending surgeon Professor Victor Louis Santini and witnesses to be listed in the hospital register. The purpose of this enquiry is to determine. Well, as you'll see, following the explosion at the CIA archive... [SCENE_BREAK] [ Hospital room ] [SCENE_BREAK] Rex: Got it. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Mortuary ] [SCENE_BREAK] Santini: One of the victims has been... ( Man groaning ) ( Squishing ) Santini: Yes, I think we can. I'm sorry. They brought me in as an expert, but I don't know what the hell this is. Santini: We think this man was right at the centre of the blast, and yet he's still alive. Clearly, the skin is burnt. He's not indestructible, just undying. ( Groans ) Everliving. We're going to need a new vocabulary. But we're getting the same results from all over the world. Vera: Is that actual consciousness? It seems like he's still aware. Jack: Excuse me, I was wondering. Owen Harper, FBI. But what if you detach the head? I mean, would he stay alive without his head? Santini: I suggest we find out. Vera: Excuse me. you can't do that. I mean you literally can't. This man is not dead. He's our patient. Santini: Your comments have been noted, Doctor Juarez. Now, shall we begin? Vera: ( Whispers ) Oh my God. Santini: Don't tell me this is a virus or evolution or whatever. This is deliberate intervention. I mean, all of us have been changed by design. Vera: But how? Who could do this? Santini: Well, who's got the technology? Simple answer: No one on this Earth. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Cardiff ] [SCENE_BREAK] ( Sirens blaring distantly ) ( People speaking softly ) Gwen: What the hell? Andy: Long time no see. Gwen: Oh, my God. Hey. Andy: And you, big lunk. Daddy Day Care. Look at her. So your father had a mild heart attack on Saturday night and then a second on the Sunday, and that was quite bad, to be honest. But he's stable now. He's out of ICU. Funny thing is, if you're gonna get sick, he didn't half choose the right day. Gwen: What do you mean? Andy: Look at them. They're all gathering around the hospitals like they're the new churches. I'm not kidding. We've had doctors being worshipped since Miracle Day. Gwen: What's Miracle Day? Andy: Are you kidding me? Haven't you heard? Gwen: Heard what? Andy: Come on. It started two nights ago. People stopped dying. They still get hurt, sick, they just won't die. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Cardiff hospital room ] [SCENE_BREAK] Mary: Oh, you silly girl. I said stay away. Gwen: How could I do that, Mam? Mary: What if someone sees you? It's not safe. You told me. What if someone's watching? Mary: Oh, look at her. Come here. ( Chuckles ) Oh, good God, she's enormous. Rhys: That's your grandma, remember? Mary: How could she? Never sees me, does she? Not since the day she was born. ( Fussing ) Oh, hey, come see your granddad. Gwen: Hi, Dad. Hey. It's me. Hello. Geraint: You shouldn't have. Gwen: Well, there we are, then. Tough. ( Chuckles ) And you can stop all this nonsense, okay? I want you up and out this bed, lazy old thing. ( Laughs ) ( Baby coos ) Geraint: Ah, there she is. Princess. Mary: Look at her though. She's huge. Gwen: She's perfectly normal, Mam. Mary: I thought you were being frugal. What are you feeding her, lard? Gwen: Yes, Mam. I'm feeding her lard. Keep telling her that, and by the time she's thirteen, she'll have a complete psychological complex. Rhys: Stop it now, you two. Mary: Sorry. Gwen: It's okay. Mary: What do you think it is, Gwen? What happened to us? This never-ending life, what is it? Geraint: Should I be dead, sweetheart? Gwen: I don't know, Dad. Geraint: It's the sort of thing your lot used to tackle. Gwen: Yeah, but Torchwood's gone, Dad. There's no one else left on Earth, just me. ( Sobs ) Okay? And I'm sorry, ( weeping ) because I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do, Dad. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Nurse's station ] [SCENE_BREAK] Gwen: It's all over the world the world. Look. Look at this. Somalia has stopped fighting. Andy: Warfare is even worse when the bodies refuse to die. But take a look at North Korea. Huh, spoiling for a fight. They've got a lot of soldiers who think they're immortal. Gwen: But this miracle, it's specifically human. I mean, it's got to be. This website says if insects stopped dying, we'd be overrun within forty eight hours flat. And that hasn't happened. So this thing is being targeted at us. Andy: Have a look-see. Budge over. I've missed all this. Gwen: I haven't. Andy: It's quiet without you. Gwen: Oh, tch. Andy: Here we go, look. Planet Earth. On average, three hundred thousand people die every day. So if they stop dying, that's an extra what, million people in just over three days. Add to that five hundred thousand people born every day. Gwen: That's another million every two days plus the first million. Bloody hell. Andy: That's the fastest population boom in history. Gwen: We're gonna run out of room. Andy: We'll run out of food first. A guy on the telly was saying we've got four months like this. Just four months, and then that's it, society just collapses. Everyone fighting each other for food, like animals. Rhys: Oi, what are you two doing? Andy: Uh, I was just asking for some advice. Rhys: Yeah, don't you start. Gwen? Gwen: Yes? Rhys: No more investigations. You promised. We're here to see your Dad. That's it, yeah? Gwen: Do you want to come and have a look? Come on, bright eyes, follow me. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Hospital basement ] [SCENE_BREAK] Gwen: Look, intensive care overflow. They've got twelve beds with seventeen patients already. What's gonna happen tomorrow? And the day after that? And the day after that? And the day... Rhys: Listen, now. Every time you investigate something, you end up in danger, Gwen. Gwen: 'Cause I can help. Rhys: Don't you dare. Gwen: So you just... Rhys: I said don't you dare! Have you got that? Don't you bloody dare, Gwen! ( Panting ) See, the thing is, right, if you think Miracle Day is like a Torchwood case, others are going to think the same, aren't they? They're gonna come looking for you with guns like they did the old days. Gwen: I suppose, yeah. Rhys: We shouldn't even be in the city. There are cameras everywhere, man. And it's different now. You've got a daughter, and you can't go putting her into danger. That is why we live in the back of beyond, to keep her safe. We've got to go back. Gwen: My dad is sick. Rhys: Oh, think about it! People aren't dying. He's gonna survive. Gwen: Shush, now. Shush. Rhys: Think about Anwen. ( Laughs ) Maybe our daughter's going to live forever. Gwen: Don't, okay? Don't make her part of this this thing, okay? Don't. Do you think she could? Rhys: Possible, yeah. See, maybe you should let this happen for once. Gwen: Let's go home. Rhys: Yes. Gwen: Let's go home. ( Laughs softly ) [SCENE_BREAK] [ Esther's apartment ] [SCENE_BREAK] ( Groans ) ( Coughs, grunts ) ( Exhales ) ( Groaning ) ( Gasps ) Esther: ( Whispers ) What the hell? [SCENE_BREAK] [ CIA Analysts Office ] [SCENE_BREAK] TV Reporter: The search or suspects continues after last night's massive explosion at the CIA archives... Charlotte: Nice for some, having the morning off? Esther: Yeah, I, er had things to do. Missed all this. ( Clears throat ) Noah: You owe me. Yasmin works in Friedkin's office. She got me the last remaining copy of the Torchwood file. Now you can take me to dinner. ( Phone rings ) Esther: Esther Drummond. Hello. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Hospital room / CIA Analysts Office ] [SCENE_BREAK] Rex: Is there a database correlating mortality rates from every single hospital in the world? Esther: Are you on your cell phone? Because you're not allowed to be using it. Rex: And is anyone talking to morticians? Because, I mean, they've got to be the first to notice, right? Esther: There's nothing. There's no news. The whole thing, it's kind of intangible. How do you investigate something not happening? And all that Torchwood stuff that's gone up to Friedkin. Rex: Oh, yeah? ( Pants ) So what's Torchwood got to do with it? Esther: I don't know. It's sort of connected, isn't it? Rex: No. No, it's not. It's a completely different case. Esther: Sure. Of course it is. Rex: Then why'd you mention it? Esther: Don't know. I suppose it just happened at the same time? Rex: So what is Torchwood, anyway? Esther: Er, some kind of British intervention agency. Closed down. Used to specialise in 456 cases and above. Rex: So that first email with Torchwood, you know, the security breach, when did that come through? Esther: Sunday night, 22:36. Rex: ( Groans ) 22:36, huh? Esther: Yep. Rex: ( Softly ) 22:36. 22:36 was the last reported death. The last death on planet Earth. Esther: Well, that's disputable. They said that the last death was on Monday. Rex: No, no, no. Monday in Shanghai. ( Beeping ) At 11:36. Washington, D.C. is 13 hours behind at 22:36. Both those things happened at the same time. Don't you see? You were right. ( Grunts ) It's all connected. Torchwood's the key to this whole thing. Nurse: Rex, I've warned you. You're gonna kill yourself! Rex: I can't. That's the point. ( Grunts ) All right, so give me those names again. Esther: Captain Jack Harkness and Gwen Cooper. Zero information on him and no sightings of Cooper for the last twelve months. It's like she's gone underground. Rex: Yeah, that's them. Esther: The case details have been censored by UNIT Headquarters. This file's got referrals going all the way to Geneva and above. It's way beyond top secret. Rex: Yeah, yeah, yeah. CIA. Move out of my way. Doctor: You can't take them. Vera: Rex, what do you think you're doing? Rex: Sorry, Doc, I'm too busy. Vera: You are in no condition to leave. Rex: Oh, I'm not just leaving. ( Grunts ) I'm flying all the way to the United Kingdom. Esther, book me a flight. ( Grunts ) Hey, CIA. I'm taking that cab. Move the hell out of the way. Move! ( Pants ) Now, make sure you get a hold of supplies, because I'm gonna need a requisition fifteen. Esther: ( Softly ) What do you need that for? Rex: You do know what a requisition fifteen is, right? Esther: Of course I do. It's clearance to take a handgun on a plane. Rex: Well then, I'm taking a handgun on a plane. Now book that flight. [SCENE_BREAK] [ CIA Analysts Office / Airport ] [SCENE_BREAK] Esther: Okay, your flight departs at oh two hundred hours, but your requisition has been refused. Rosita: Tengo tu pasaporte. Rex: If requisitions won't move, then get me a handgun from UK security. Esther: How am I supposed to do that? ( Speaks Spanish ) Rex: Shush! Get me the gun. Rosita, Rosita, here. I don't know when I'm coming back, all right? I don't want you letting your husband into my house. You got that? No husbando. ( Speaks Spanish ) No husbando. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Aeroplane / Esther's apartment ] [SCENE_BREAK] ( Dings ) Attendant on P.A.: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to your flight to London Heathrow. Rex: All right, now concentrate. The life of Gwen Cooper. What do we know? Esther: Ex-police. It says that she joined the Torchwood Institute in October 2006. Rex: All right, now hold on, hold on. Go through her police records. Find out everyone she worked with, everyone she trained with. Attendant: I'm sorry, sir. I have to ask you to turn your phone off now. Rex: CIA, and I'm sick. Gwen Cooper. Find out everything. Esther: I can't get into the database. I'll need your password. ( Phone clicks ) Esther: Rex! ( Sighs ) [SCENE_BREAK] [ Heathrow Airport / Esther's apartment ] [SCENE_BREAK] Rex: Hi. So where the hell was I? Right. The password's "Madrid 6-6-2-1-1." That's "Madrid" with a capital "M." Now go through that list and scan through their records using a level one filter. You should highlight anything with a red flag or a caution pertaining to Homeland Security. Esther: I've got one positive response. Police Sergeant Andrew Davison, Cardiff resident. There's a note in his file says he was Gwen Cooper's unofficial liaison. I can access his private calls. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Car / Esther's apartment ] [SCENE_BREAK] Esther: ( Sighs ) I've got to filter this through Whitehall. Rex: How long's it gonna take? Esther: Any minute now. Rex: And what the hell is this bridge? The Severn Bridge? Esther: It connects England to Wales. Rex: What, you mean Wales is separate? ( Pants ) It's like the British equivalent of New Jersey. Esther: Hold on, hold on. I think I've got something. Sergeant Davison made one call on Tuesday at seventeen oh eight to a number that's on the UK Hickman register. That's a list of cell numbers allocated to witness protection schemes. Rex: That's it then, we've got her. Esther: I can request that through MI5. Rex: Now what is this? Wait a minute, I've got to pay for this bridge? ( Sighs ) Goddamn Wales. Esther: I've traced the handset. Sending you the coordinates... ( Keyboard keys click ) ...Now. It's at 51 , 34'N; 4 , 17'W. Rex: I got it. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Welsh Farm ] [SCENE_BREAK] ( Groaning ) ( Guns cock ) Rex: CIA! Gwen: Yeah? So what? ( Coughing, wheezing ) KCNU: Extraordinary scenes in Kentucky as the governor's office releases Oswald Danes on parole. The charity Freedom and Liberty has employed a force majeure ruling to define Danes' survival as an act of God, with liability now on the state to prove otherwise. ( Angry clamoring ) ( Engine starts ) ( Buzzer sounds ) ( Clamoring continues ) ( Pounding on car ) [SCENE_BREAK] [ Farmhouse ] [SCENE_BREAK] Gwen: Right, we're off. We're gonna get a good head start and phone you an ambulance. Don't follow us. Don't even try. We just want to be left alone, okay? ( Grunting ) ( Groans ) Gwen: Hold it right there, mate. So much for tying him up. Rhys: I've never tied up a person. Gwen: Men are good at knots. How many times have you told me that? Rhys: Yeah, at Christmas. Rex: Hey! Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. I had a pole through my chest. I was dead, then I wasn't. I had to pay for this Bridge and now I want to know what the hell is going on, all right? ( Helicopter whirring ) Because I was dead and now I'm not. And if that has anything to do with Torchwood or you or anyone, then I need. ( Whirring intensifies ) Rex: You know, it would really help if could hear myself think. What the hell is he doing? Rhys: It's a tourist thing. Gwen: No. No, I don't think it is. ( Whispers ) Sweetheart. Gwen: Get back! Gwen: Get in the car. Come on! Jack: Can't leave you alone for a minute. Rex: It's you. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Flashback ] Rex: Gwen Cooper. Find out everything. ( Grunts ) ( Beeps ) Jack: She said to turn off the phone. [ End Flashback ] [SCENE_BREAK] Jack: Never annoy me again. ( Helicopter approaching ) Now get in. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Land Rover ] [SCENE_BREAK] Jack: Duck! Rhys: Jack, for God's sake, there's a kid here! Jack: I got a present for you in the back. Rhys: Give her to me, Gwen, the baby. Jack: You there, CIA, do something useful. Rex: Wales is insane. Get down! Rex: Who the hell are you people? Gwen: Torchwood. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Roald Dahl Plass ] [SCENE_BREAK] ( Explosion ) ( Panting ) ( Phone rings ) Gwen: Right, so that's sorted. Rhys, take Anwen to my mother's and keep her safe and sound. Jack, if you've got access to any weapons, what else have we got? I've still got the old Eye 5s, but everything else is gone. Rhys: I knew it though. Didn't I say? First sign of trouble, you go running off with Captain Jack Bollocks. Gwen: What choice have I got? I mean, they rebuilt to the tower, now we're rebuilding Torchwood. Isn't that right, Jack? You even listening to me? Jack: I cut my arm. Gwen: Okay. Can't help but thinking there's more important things to be worrying about here. Jack: No. I cut my arm. Look at it. It's not healing. Gwen: Do you mean... Jack: I'm staying hurt. Gwen: Oh, my God. Jack: I know. Gwen: Seriously, though. Rhys: It's only a cut. Gwen: But it's Jack. Don't you see? The whole world becomes immortal... Jack: And I mortal. I don't mend. I'm normal again. I'm plain old human. Rex: You're what? Jack: Doesn't concern you. Rex: ( Scoffs ) You talk some crazy sh1t, you know that? Gwen: You should get that seen to. Rex: Yeah, any minute now. ( Sirens blaring ) Ah, here comes my ride. Gwen: Andy, you can't do this. Andy: Orders from above. I'm sorry. He's in charge. Jack: Since when? Rhys: He can't arrest us. He's American. Rex: I hate to bust up your sweet little tea party, but this isn't an arrest. This is a rendition. And on behalf of the CIA, under the 456 amendments to US code 3184, I'm extraditing this so-called Torchwood team to the United States of America. Now, get me out of here. Take me home. ( Theme music playing )

Earth is facing a phenomenon known as "Miracle Day", where for over 24 hours nobody dies, and the world within four months will become unsustainable through its soaring population. Every United States Government agency receives a tip on Torchwood, only to later find every trace of the word deleted by the newly returned Jack Harkness, who discovers that he is now mortal. Separately, he and CIA agent Rex Matheson - who has suffered a 'fatal' accident but cannot die - travel to South Wales to find Gwen Cooper, who is living in exile with husband Rhys and infant daughter Anwen. Jack, Rhys and Gwen find themselves under attack by unknown assailants in a helicopter. After Rex arrives, Jack saves them. Then Rex has Jack and Gwen extradited to the United States.

fd_Grey_s_Anatomy_02x17

fd_Grey_s_Anatomy_02x17_0

2x17: (As We Know It) (Part 2) (SGH) (Hallway) MVO: In hospitals they say you know. You know when you're going to die. (Bailey is standing in her patient room looking despondent) MVO: Some doctors say it's a look patients get in their eyes. (Bailey is doubled over in pain over her bed) MVO: Some say there's a scent. The smell of death. Something. There's just some kind of sixth sense. When the great beyond is heading for you. You feel it coming. (OR where Derek is still operating on Tucker) MVO: Whatever it is. It's creepy. (Addison is by herself in the doctor's lounge sitting on a couch looking very upset) MVO: Because if you know. What do you do about? Forget about the fact you're scared out of your mind. (Linen closet where it appears Alex and Izzie who are wrapped around one another, appearing naked, just finished having s*x) MVO: If you knew this was your last day on Earth, how would you want to spend it? (Meredith's face looks panicked from the last episode after putting her hand in Mr. Carlson) (Richard is on the phone in an office behind the nurses' station. George is watching from the nurses' station looking concerned. Izzie and Alex come up to him, fixing up their clothes) Izzie: What's going on? George: Uh something happened in OR 3. Alex: What? George: I don't know. All I know is that Hannah the paramedic, she's missing. (Richard comes out of the office and walks by them) George: Chief, what's happened? Richard: Quiet board. A quiet board is what's happened. (He walks away) (Burke is entering OR 2 where Derek is operating on Tucker. Burke is wearing a flak jacket) Burke: Dr. Shepherd? Derek (a little surprised): Dr. Burke. Burke: How's it going? Derek: He's got a second bleed under the skull base. If I do what the textbooks say. He could lose the power of speech, herniate through the first craniotomy and die. Burke: What's your other option? Derek: Well if I do what I wanna do ... he could lose the power of speech, herniate through the first craniotomy and die. Burke: Well good luck with that. Derek: Thanks. (He turns to Burke) Is there something you want? Burke: You know it was really stupid of you not to evacuate? Derek (nods): You too. Burke: Yeah I know. Derek: We should consider a change in profession. Burke (half chuckles): Yes, we should. Derek: Now can you operate and remove the device from the guy? Burke: After the bomb squad is through assessing him, I'm going to try. Derek (nods): Gotta say I don't wanna be the guy that kills Bailey's husband. Burke: Well I don't wanna be the guy that kills us all. (They exchange a look) Dr. Shepherd. Derek: Dr. Burke. (Burke leaves. Notice he doesn't mention Meredith's new predicament) (OR 3 where Dylan is now slowly strapping a flak jacket up to Meredith. He is wearing one himself. Cristina is already wearing a flak jacket and squeezing the ambu bag) Dylan: You realize how stupid that was. Cristina: It was Mer. Incredibly stupid! Meredith (to Cristina): Ok you know when you don't need to be made fun of? Like when you've got your hand inside a body that's got a bomb in it and a stranger is Velcro-ing a flak jacket to your boobs. Cristina: Ok. Dylan: You've got a sense of irony. Meredith: Only when things are really ironic. (She turns to Cristina) ... I had a feeling. (Cristina shoots Meredith an 'omg I can't believe you'd say that' look. Meredith is referring to her 'might die feeling' she had that morning last episode) Dylan: What's that? Meredith: Nothing. (Burke is walking down the OR hall contemplatively. He stands for a moment before walking determinedly into OR 3. He walks in. Dylan is now standing against the table against the wall watching. Burke walks up to Cristina) Burke (in a low voice): Time for you to go. Cristina: No, I'm staying. Burke: There's nothing more you can do here. We've got it covered. (Cristina doesn't move) Cristina, this is not another clueless surgery. This ammo can go off at any time and kill everyone in this room. Do you get that? You can not be in here. Cristina: Do you think this is about surgery... Burke(interrupts more adamant than ever and whispers into her ear): Cristina I can not do this with you in here! I can not think! (Cristina just looks to Meredith) Meredith: We'll be fine. (Cristina just stares) It's ok. (Cristina nods and Burke takes over for her) Cristina (to Burke): You know in the movies how there's always the heroes and then there's the other guy? You know the guy who sees danger and runs in the opposite direction? Burke: Yes. Cristina: Be the other guy. (Meredith watches them teary-eyed. Cristina leaves the OR. Meredith takes a deep breath to calm herself) Meredith (to Dylan): So you have a plan right? (she nods to herself) You have a way to get me out of this right? (He just stares back at her) (Intern locker room where George, Alex and Izzie are sitting on the floor against the lockers) George: I feel colors are brighter. Does anyone feel like colors are brighter? My head hurts. Alex: It's adrenaline. You have the smell thing, cause I have like this crazy- Izzie (interrupts): Shut up! Alex: Are you ok? George: Of course she's not ok. How could she possibly be okay? You're insensitive. Alex: I'm not insensitive. Izzie: Would you two just shut up! Nobody cares if the blue is bluer or if you have super smelling powers! Meredith could die. Any minute she could just ... die. Actually stop living ... Dead ... Corpse ... (she starts giggling) I'm sorry. Sorry. God, I have really inappropriate reactions to this kind of stress. I'm sorry. (she gathers herself) Hold on. Mmm. George: Ok? Izzie: Yeah. Alex: Should we like, should we like do something? Call Meredith's family? George: We are Meredith's family. (Izzie stars giggling again) Izzie: I'm sorry. (She gets up and leaves chuckling. Alex gets up and follows her) George: We are Meredith's family. (Cristina is entering OR 2 all scrubbed up and flak jacket gone. Derek is still operating) Derek: This area has been evacuated Dr. Yang. Cristina: And somehow you're still here. Derek: I have to be here. You don't. Cristina: Yes I do. Derek (warningly): Dr. Yang. Cristina (adamant): Yes I do. Besides I guess you need a little company. (Derek resigned lets her put on a gown) Cristina: How's he doing? Derek: He's hanging in there. How's the paramedic Hannah doing? Cristina: Hannah? Derek: The girl with the bomb. Cristina: Oh, uh she's hanging in there too. (Floor with the busy people circling around. Addison is talking to Richard at the nurses' station) Addison: Calm down. Richard (upset): Calm down? I have an evacuated O.R. A bomb in a body cavy. A missing paramedic! An intern with her hand on the explosive! Two world class surgeons in harm's way! (George walks up behind them) A man on a table who may bleed out at any moment unless we move the bomb from his chest! And my favorite resident in labor who you're now telling me refuses to push! Really, calm down? You really want to say to me calm down? Addison: Ok don't calm down! George: Dr. Bailey is scared, sir. It's a day to be scared. Addison: She won't let me examine her but from what I can tell her contractions are 40 seconds apart and she's refusing to push. The baby could go into distress and if she doesn't come out of this and soon, then I'm gonna need an O.R to do an emergency C-section. Richard: I can't give you an O.R Addie! I don't have an O.R to give. Can't you convince her to push? Bailey's rational. Addison: She's not Bailey right now! She's a woman in labor whose husband is in surgery next to a bomb. Richard: So is yours. Addison: This is about Bailey. I need an O.R. Richard: I don't know what to tell you. Addison: Look Richard, we have about an hour to change Bailey's mind and then I'm going to need you to get me an O.R. Build me an O.R. Find me a helicopter to fly me to any O.R in the city. Otherwise instead of having a baby, she'll be losing one. (Addison walks off. Richard gives George a look and George scurries off. Richard sits down looking very stressed out. Nurse Debbie comes up to him) Debbie: Here's the blueprints you asked for Chief. (She hands Richard some rolled up blueprints) Richard: Ah, thanks. (Izzie is sitting down by herself in the linen closet looking upset. Alex comes in and sits down next to her. She smiles to herself) Izzie: I laugh at funerals. Alex: I don't go to funerals. (Izzie smiles. She looks at him and then starts kissing him) Alex: Izzie. Iz. (He looks at her and Izzie pulls away) Izzie (upset): I was jealous. I was jealous of Meredith and the surgery and I ... I was ... jealous and now ... I was jealous, Alex. (Alex leans and strokes Izzie's face. He leans in and kisses her) (OR 3 where Meredith is still there. Burke is sitting on a chair watching. Someone is squeezing the ambu bag but they're not shown clearly) Meredith: Is this the strangest thing that's ever happened in your OR? Burke (nods): I'd have to say that it is. Meredith: Good, cause I'm very competitive. Burke: All the best surgeons are. (Bailey's room where she's sitting on a chair in pain. George is standing in front of her) George: Dr. Montgomery-Shepherd just talked to the Chief. They're really worried about you. She's on the phone with Mercy West right now to see if they have any OR's available. Bailey: I need someone to drive me home. George: They're talking about doing an emergency C-section. Bailey: They can talk all they want. I'm not going to Mercy West. This baby is not coming out. I need a ride! I can't focus enough to drive myself. (her voice cracks) And Tucker ... I need a ride. George: You could lose it! You know this! Bailey: I told you already. I'm not having this baby until tomorrow. George: This baby could die before it's even born! Bailey (yells): Can you give me a ride home? George: Dr. Bailey... Bailey: Then get out! (George leaves the room) (Richard is looking over the blueprints of the OR floor in a conference room by himself. He takes of his glasses looking very concerned. Mindy comes to the door) Mindy: Is, is there any news? Richard: What? (he realizes it's Mindy) Oh I'm sorry Mrs. Carlson. Mindy: My husband. I was wondering if there was any news because you look so worried. And I heard this doctor saying that even though that girl's got her finger on the tear in his heart, that my husband is losing blood. Every second he's losing blood. Which means he could die? He could die? I ask because I know you'll me the truth because you look so worried. Richard: Mrs. Carlson ... (he's about to lie to her but changes his mind) Yes it's possible he could bleed out and die if we don't operate soon. Mindy (nods): Okay. Okay. Thank you for telling me the truth. (she starts to cry) I'll just ah, I'll just go wait over here. (She walks away) Richard (yells out): Look will someone give me an update! And where's the head of the bomb squad? (Richard puts his glasses back on and turns back to the blueprints. Dylan comes up to the door) Dylan: I'm right here and we're good to go. My team's in place. Dr. Burke is ready. Patient's in stable condition. We can have the bomb out in under 10 minutes if I'm not interrupted again. Richard: In the OR we put our patients under general anesthesia. Dylan: Yeah? Richard: That involves a steady flow of oxygen. (Dylan looks concerned suddenly and walks into the room) Dylan: Well can't you turn off the oxygen in my OR? Richard: I can and I have. But this is your OR (he points to the blueprints) This is the OR's floor main oxygen line. (It seems to be directly under the OR they're in) (Linen closet where Alex and Izzie are putting their clothes back on) Alex: It's gonna be okay. Izzie: You don't know that. Alex: It's just what you say. Izzie (half smiles): I know. (She moves to leave) Alex: Where you going? Izzie: I cant just.. I, I gotta do something to help. ... Thank you. For saying that it's going to be okay. Even if it's just what you say. (She leaves the linen closet) (Burke and Dylan are whispering to each other at the doorway of OR 3. Meredith watches) Meredith: Stop it. (They stop whispering) I'm not a patient. Dylan: What? Meredith: The two of you are looking at me the way we look at patients. Like I'm going to freak out at any minute. I'm not gonna freak out so whatever it is just tell me straight out. (Burke moves away from the door to stand directly in front of Meredith) Burke: The main oxygen line runs directly under this room. Meredith: Ok. (Burke just stares at her) Not ok. ... Well? I need one of you to tell me what this means exactly. Because I think I know what it means. But I tend to be glass half-empty these days so I won't trust what I think it means. Because what I think it means if the bomb were to explode over the oxygen line the whole hospital could blow up. ... And that's just crazy right? (Richard is standing out in front of the nurses' station looking even more stressed out. He's talking to a nurse) Richard: I need an answer on when they're gonna start moving. (The nurse nods and leaves. Izzie and Alex come up to him) Izzie: Chief. Richard: Look I'm busy! Izzie: I know. I know you're really very busy but if there's something, anything that we could do to help it would really would be very helpful. (Richard doesn't look so good and is breathing heavily) We need an assignment, sir. (Richard looks in really bad shape) Richard: Look, I need, I need... Izzie (concerned): Chief? (Richard is breathing really erratically) Izzie: He's pale and diaphoretic. Alex: Check his pulse. We need some help over here! Izzie: Come on let's move people! I'll get a wheelchair. (Richard backs against the wall and looks really panicked) Alex: I think he's having a heart attack. (OR 3. Dylan walks into the OR as well) Dylan: Meredith, all it means ... is that we have to move. Burke: Move? Dylan: That's right. We have to move. (he whispers to Burke) Now because I don't want to spend another second in this room. Meredith: Wait. I can't wiggle my fingers because we can't shift the ammo. And now you want to roll out the entire gurney? Dylan: Well that's our safest, safest option. (Dylan nods to Burke) Burke: So we move. Not a problem. We can do this. You handling this Grey? Meredith: I'm handling this. (Richard is lying down on a hospital bed in a patient room. Izzie and Alex are standing in there and there is another doctor also there checking Richard) Richard: So how's it look? Doctor: Well it's hard to say for sure. EKG is normal. (The doctor leaves the room) Alex: That's good news. Richard: That's it I'm getting up. Izzie: Sir! You should really wait until we get the blood work back. Richard: I'm not listening Stevens. (All of sudden Adele stands up and has been apparently sitting in the room the whole time) Adele: You can talk to me Dr. Stevens. Izzie (unsure): Um ... um ... okay. Your husband should really wait until we get the blood work back for confirmation. Richard: Okay! Out! Both of you! (Alex and Izzie nod and leave quickly. He moves to get up) Richard: I'm getting up. (Adele moves to stop him) Adele: You're going to have to body check me to do so. Richard: Adele, there is a bomb! Adele: I heard. (She tucks Richard in bed and looks over him comfortingly. Richard just looks resigned and kinda caged in) (Addison is sitting on an empty gurney in the middle of an empty hallway looking very upset. George walks up to her) George: Dr. Montgomery-Shepherd. What are we gonna do? I mean about Dr. Bailey. Can, can we drug her? Addison: Against her will? George: No. Well ... yes. (Addison looks annoyed) Can't we force her to push? If ah declare her temporarily insane. Addison (lets out a noise of frustration): Ah. You want me to declare Miranda Bailey, Miranda Bailey incompetent? Do you think that will help? Do you think that will make her more inclined, more comfortable giving birth? George: I don't know that's why... Addison (interrupts): Do you think I'm not doing everything I can to help her? I mean do you think I'm just out here because I don't know feel a little lazy, just need a little me time? George: I'm just asking. Addison (yells): Stop asking! Because no matter what you ask the answer is I don't know. I'm doing everything thing I can! Everything I can! Miranda Bailey's husband is in mortal danger. Actual mortal danger! And there's not a lot I can say to comfort her right now because there's not a lot that anybody can say to comfort me! I'm doing my best! Dr. Bailey is doing her best! And I need you to do your best! And I need it to better than standing here asking me the world's most stupidest question! I don't know O'Malley! (George nods slightly looking a little upset and he leaves) (George is sitting down on the stairs of a stairwell. He slams the door shut with his foot obviously frustrated. He hears a crying noise coming from a few flights of stairs below. He stands up and looks down) George: Hey. (The person looks up and it's Hannah the paramedic) You okay? (Hannah just looks down and George goes down the stairs to meet her) George (takes her hand): Wait, are you bleeding? Hannah: I, I think I fell ah... I was running um- and I fell. It's okay. George: Are you Hannah? Hannah (nods slightly, quiet): Yeah. (OR 2 where Derek is still operating on Tucker. Cristina turns around and is distracted by the activity happening outside) Derek: Micro-scissors Dr. Yang. (he notices her staring) What is so interesting out there? Cristina: I uh...I'll... (She rips of her gown and heads out the door) (OR hallway where Dylan, 2 other bomb squad guys and Meredith are moving the gurney with James very, very slowly) Dylan: You're doing great. Meredith: Let's go over it again. Dylan: The device is shaped like a rocket. About 8 inches long. We're going to have everything ready. Dr. Burke's team is going to be in place. My team is going to be in place. And I'm going to ask you to take the hand that you have in Mr. Carlson, wrap it around the device... Meredith (finishes for him): And pull it out. Dylan: Level. Pull it out while keeping it level. (The camera pans down to the floor where the floor is slightly elevated by a silver bar that stretches across it. They don't seem to realize that they're approaching this bar) Meredith: You know I don't like you very much. Dylan: I don't like you either. (Cristina comes up in the hallway) Cristina: What are you doing? Dylan (angry): Stop. Stop right where you are. (They stop moving) Cristina: What are you doing? Dylan: I thought Dr. Burke told you to leave. Meredith: We're moving to an O.R further away from the oxygen line. You know in case we blow up. Dylan: I distinctly remember him telling you to leave! Cristina: Where is he? Meredith: He's prepping the O.R. Cristina: Then he'll never know will he. Dylan: You stay over there. You stay over there! (He directs Cristina to stand a few feet away from them in an adjacent hallway but she can still see everything and they can see her) Dylan (to Meredith): You ready? (Meredith nods and they start wheeling past Cristina slowly) Meredith (to Cristina): Tell me something. Cristina: What? Meredith: Cristina, I have my hand on a bomb. I'm freaking out and most importantly I really have to pee. Tell me anything. Cristina: He told me he loved me. Last night. He thought I was sleeping but I heard him say it. Meredith: Burke loves you. Cristina: Yeah. (Dylan looks at Cristina and she notices) Mind your own business. Meredith: Burke loves you. Cristina: Okay everybody has problems. Meredith: Well are you going to say it back or- Cristina (interrupts): Of course not. He didn't say it to me. He said to the sleeping me. Reciprocity is not required. Besides he might blow up. Meredith: Excellent point. (All of sudden they hit the metal bar across the floor and the whole gurney bangs to a stop) Dylan: All right everybody. Let's keep placing one foot in front of the other. Nice and slow. Alright Meredith we're almost there. Meredith (closes her eyes): Okay. Dylan: We're almost there. Nice and Easy. You ready? Meredith (nods): Yeah. Dylan: Alright let's go. Nice and slow. (They move the gurney slowly over the bar on the floor and continue on) Cristina: You had to say you were going to die today. Meredith (shrugs): I told you. (The Pit where George is sitting with Hannah cleaning up her hand) George: It's not to deep but, you are going to need a couple of stitches. (Hannah nods) Hannah, uh is there someone you'd like me to call? Family or maybe friends? Hannah (shakes her head): No. ... That doctor ... George: Dr. Grey. Meredith. Hannah (nods): Is she? George: She's still there. Hannah: So she's still alive. George: She's alive. Hannah (sighs in relief): She's still alive. (She looks upset) George: Dr. Milton shouldn't have left you. He's a coward. Hannah: I'm a coward. George: No. Hannah: I ran away. ... You think you're going to be different. You think you're gonna be the kind of person who stays and does something. (she shakes her head) You know a good man in a storm. I'm a paramedic. I'm supposed to stay and do something. I'm not supposed to run away. I'm not supposed to hide under the stairs cause I left two people to die. I'm supposed to stay and do something. I ran away. (Alex is entering through a door into another floor of the hospital. He stops at a nurses' station where Izzie is standing) Alex: Well blood work's back. The Chief had an anxiety attack. (he sighs) Who's gonna tell him? Izzie: Um, I gave you s*x in a linen closet. You tell him. Alex (nods): Fair enough. (He walks off and Izzie smiles) (Bailey's room where Bailey is lying in bed refusing to move. Addison is in there with her trying to get to her move. George is standing at the door watching) Addison: Okay, Dr. Bailey let's go. (She tries to get Bailey to sit up but Bailey just pushes away crying) Addison: Dr. Bailey I need you to turn on your back. I need you to push. Bailey: Leave me alone. Addison: Miranda. (to a nurse that is also in there) I can't let her go any longer. I'm gonna go tell Richard that he has to get us an O.R, okay? (Addison moves to leave through the door as George moves forward) George: Dr. Bailey, I'm surprised at you. I really thought...this is not how I thought you would do this. (Addison stops at the door) Addison: Dr. O'Malley I don't think that... George (ignores Addison and moves to Bailey's bedside): I truly... I expected more. Addison: George. (George takes a damp cloth and wipes it against Bailey's arm. Addison moves back into the room and watches. George leans down to talk to her) George: You're Dr. Bailey. (she cries a little) You don't hide from a fight. You don't give up. You strive for greatness. You Dr. Bailey, you are a doer. And ... I know your husband is not here and I know that there are a lot of things going on here that we have no control over. But this ... (he takes his hand and lifts up her chin for her to look at him directly) this ... we can do. Ok? (Bailey half nods, crying) Ok. (Addison starts moving to prepare Bailey while George helps Bailey sit up. He gets on the bed and sits behind her to support her) George: Let's have this baby. (OR where the gurney carrying James is now in place. Burke is there with his team as is Dylan) Burke (to Dylan): We're ready when you are. Dylan: We're good. Meredith? Meredith (looks scared): Yeah. Burke: I'm going to extend the wound. When I cut the bleeding is going to intensify. If we're going to save Mr. Carlson you have to pull the ammo out immediately. Dylan: But remember remove it while keeping it level as possible. (Meredith nods) Nice and easy. No quick movements. Level. Meredith: Right level. Burke (to Meredith): You ready? Meredith (teary-eyed): I uh ... ... Do I have a choice? Burke: You have to be ready. Meredith: Yeah I guess. Burke: Scalpel. Meredith: I guess I'm ready. (Burke starts cutting into Mr. Carlson) (Cristina enters OR 2 with Derek and walks up to them) Derek: How's it going out there Yang? Cristina: Everything's fine. Derek: How's the girl with bomb? Cristina: How's he doing? Derek: He's almost there. (to a scrubs nurse) Suction. Irrigate. That's great. (to Cristina) You didn't answer my question Yang. Cristina: Sir? Derek: How is the girl with the bomb? (Cristina looks conflicted for a second) Cristina: It's Meredith. (Derek turns to her startled) The girl with bomb is Meredith. (All of a sudden the heart monitor connected to Tucker flat lines) (O.R with Meredith, Burke and the O.R team) Burke: I'm good. She can go. Dylan: All right now Meredith. Wrap your hand around the nose cone. (Meredith looks like she isn't listening but just staring off to the side tear-eyed) Meredith. Burke: Grey. (she kinda snaps out of it a little but stares off again) Grey. (O.R 2 with Derek and Tucker. The heart monitor is still flat lined) Derek: Damn it we're losing him. (to a scrubs nurse) Push one of epi! Cristina: Thready pulse. Anesthesiologist: Epi in! Derek: Nothing. Okay get me a wet lap. Nurse: Here. Derek: We're gonna roll him on 3. Okay let me know when everyone's ready. Let's go. We gotta go. Come on! Let's go! (O.R with Meredith) Dylan: Meredith. (Meredith pulls down her scrubs mask) Meredith: George and Izzie shouldn't have to move out of the house. Dylan: No. You hear me. Meredith (to Dylan): You should make sure. Make sure that they, that they get to stay in the house. [SCENE_BREAK] (Bailey giving birth in her patient room) Bailey: Augh! George: Push! Addison: A little bit more. I can see the top of the head. Bailey: I need stop. Need stop. (She falls back against George) George: Okay that was good. (He silently pulls his hand back and makes a pained expression as if she's broken his fingers) George: That was very good. That was- Okay. (He helps Bailey sit up right again) Are you ready? Addison: Ready? Bailey (nods): Okay. George: Push. Bailey: (she pushes) Oh god! (O.R with Tucker and Derek) Derek: Come on, come on, come on, come on. (Cristina is performing manual CPR) Cristina: Wide complex bradycardia. Derek: Push one more of epi and one more of atropine. Come on, come on. You can not do this Tucker! You can not quit on me! Come on, keep going. You can't quit! (O.R with Meredith. She's looking off to the side again and teary-eyed. A flash light is shone in her face) Burke: Grey. His pressure's dropping. Grey. (He shines the light again on her face) Meredith: I can't! No. I can't. This is crazy. Burke, you gonna go? You go. (to Burke and Dylan) Both of you should go. Burke: Nobody's dying today, Grey. Dylan: Meredith I want you to look at me. (She is staring at Burke) Look at me. (She turns her gaze to Dylan who is standing directly in front of her) I know this is bad. And I know that I'm this ass who's been yelling at you all day. So you pretend that I'm not. You pretend that I'm someone you like. Whatever you need. But you need to listen to me. (Meredith looks down and then looks back up again. The whole screen flashes white and there is no sound aside from Meredith's breathing and the heart monitor. She sees Derek standing in front of her) Meredith: I'm scared. Derek: I know. You can do this. It'll be over in a second. ... You can do this Meredith. Meredith: Ok. Derek: Ok. (The camera pans out and shows the two of them just standing in front of each other an empty O.R, identical to the opening scene of the previous episode. Gradually the real surroundings fade in and 'Derek' turns back into Dylan. Meredith starts to pull out her hand) Dylan (whispers): Gently. (Meredith looking very scared and teary-eyed begins to pull out the tip of the bomb) (OR with Tucker. Cristina is desperately performing CPR but the monitor is still flat-lined) (Bailey still in labor) Bailey (she's pushing): Augh! Addison: Good. Stop. Bailey: Stop? Addison: Stop. (George looks up at the mirror hanging against the wall so that Bailey and him can see the actual birth) George: Oh! Dr. Bailey I can see the top of his head! (Addison grins) He's got a lot of hair. Oh he's cute. Bailey: O'Malley? George: Yeah? Bailey: Stop looking at my va-jay-jay! (George looks away instantly) George: Yes ma'am. (OR where Tucker is still flat lined. Cristina has now stopped CPR but is squeezing an ambu bag. Derek looks panicked and rips off all his equipment off himself. He pushes people out of the way and starts CPR himself) (Bailey doing another push and obviously squeezing the life out of George's hand as shown by the expression on his face) (Tucker's OR where he is still flat lined. Everyone looks despondent. Derek backs away from Tucker slowly. All of sudden he thumps a fist hard against Tucker's chest. The monitor is still flat-lined) (Meredith slowly pulling out more of the bomb) (Tucker's OR. All of a sudden the heart monitor starts beeping again. His heart rate is rising up. Cristina nods at Derek) (Meredith crying a little as she hands the bomb very careful to Dylan who is holding his hands out stretched to receive it. She removes her hand) Dylan (whispers): You did good. (He starts moving slowly away from the operating table. Meredith also backs away as Burke starts operating on Mr. Carlson. Dylan heads out the door. Meredith slowly follows him. She walks out the door and stands in front of it watching. Dylan is a few steps away ready to pass it off to another Bomb Squad member who is standing ready to receive the bomb. All of a sudden there is a large explosion. Dylan is instantly blown up. The force is so strong that it flings Meredith backwards onto her back. It blows up various things in the hallway including nearby windows of adjacent OR's and scrub rooms. Burke's nor Derek's OR are affected. Meredith is caked in debris, blood and flesh. The other bomb squad member appears to have been blown up as well. The lights are all blown and everything seems dark and dank. Some pieces of paper are light in small fires. Meredith appears to be unconscious lying on the floor) (OR floor where Richard is on the phone at the nurses' station. Adele is there with him as is Alex) Richard: What the hell is happening down there? Who's coming up? Ok. (He hangs up the phone) Richard (to Adele): Come on sweetheart. (Adele nods and he walks to in front of an elevator as she follows) Richard (calls out): Alright people! They're coming up. (Hannah who was sitting in the waiting room lifts up her head. Alex moves to go tell Mrs. Carlson. A whole group of interns, doctors and nurses gather around Richard waiting for whoever is coming up the elevator. The elevator doors open revealing Burke and Derek standing in there. They walk up to the group) Burke: Derek. Derek: Preston. (They reach the group) Mindy: Dr. Burke. Is my husband um ... alive? Burke: Yes. Mindy: Is he ... gonna stay alive? (Burke notices Hannah standing at the nurses' station a little away from the large group. He points to Hannah) Burke: Thanks to that young lady over there he is. Mindy (crying happily shakes Burke's hand): Thank you. (She walks up to Hannah crying) Mindy: Thank you. Thank you. (She wraps Hannah in a tight hug. Richard nods at Burke and Burke walks off) (The group seems to have dispersed and Derek is walking around looking anxiously as if searching for someone. Richard and Adele notice and Richard walks up to him) Derek (anxious): Where is she? Richard: You had to be a cowboy. (Derek just looks around) Derek: Where, where is she? Richard: She's right here. Addison: Derek. You're okay. (Addison comes up walking fast and hugs Derek relieved) Oh, you're okay. (Derek still hugging Addison gives Richard a look. Adele notices) Adele (to Richard): That is not the 'she' he was asking for. (Female Showers of the locker room. George walks up and peers his head through the door. He sees Izzie and Cristina helping a shell shocked Meredith still in her scrubs and gown into the shower. She's still caked in blood and debris. They remove her scrubs cap and gown but she still has on her pants and shirt. George leaves. Cristina and Izzie help guide her under the shower head and begin washing her hair) (Burke and Cristina's apartment) (Cristina lies down on the bed.) Cristina: Burke, you awake? Burke? ... (Burke is lying across from her softly snoring) I love you too. (Burke continues to sleep and Cristina rolls over and closes her eyes) (Post-op room where Tucker is awake and sitting up right. Bailey is standing there holding their baby boy who is so cute) Bailey: This is our son. (She hands the boy over to Tucker) William George Bailey-Jones. Tucker (smiling): Hello. Hello my little man. Hello.(to Bailey) He's beautiful. (Bailey nods and leans in close and buries her head against Tucker) (Meredith's house) (Meredith is lying in bed looking out the window where it is pouring rain. A knock sounds on her door and Izzie comes in) Izzie: There's someone at the door for you. (Derek is standing in front of the door waiting for Meredith. He sighs. Meredith comes up and stands right in front of him.) Meredith (softly): Hey. (He stares at her looking very relieved) Derek: Hey. You almost died today. Meredith: Yeah. I almost died today. (He looks at her for a bit and then opens the front door to leave) Meredith: I can't ... (he steps back into the house) I can't remember our last kiss. All I could think about was I'm going to die today and I can't remember our last kiss. Which is pathetic, but the last time we were together and happy I ... want to be able to remember that. And I can't Derek. (he nods) I can't remember. Derek: I'm glad you didn't die today. (He goes to leave out the door. Meredith turns around to back upstairs. He stops her when he speaks standing at the doorway) Derek: It was a Thursday morning. You were wearing that ratty little Dartmouth t-shirt you look so good in. The one with the hole in the back of the neck. (he chuckles a little) You'd just washed your hair and you smelled like some kind of flower. I was running late for surgery. You said you were gonna see me later and you leaned to me, you put your hand on my chest and you kissed me. Soft. It was quick, kinda like a habit. You know, like we'd do it every day for the rest of our lives. You went back to reading the newspaper and I went to work. That was the last time we kissed. (He moves to leave again almost closing the door when Meredith speaks) Meredith: Lavender. (he steps back in) My hair smelled like lavender from my conditioner. Derek (nods): Lavender. (smiles) Huh. (He leaves and Meredith starts to head back up to her room) MVO: If this was your last day on Earth, how would you wanna spend it?

Without her husband by her side, Bailey refuses to have the baby and George works with Addison to convince her to. George also treats the paramedic who fled after finding her hiding in a stairwell. Dr. Webber's stress causes an anxiety attack that brings Adele to the hospital. Meredith removes the explosive from the patient, but it explodes and kills Dylan, the chief of the bomb squad. Burke and Derek overcome their initial rivalry and call each other by their first names. Cristina says "I love you, too" to a sleeping Burke. Derek comes visiting Meredith after she nearly dies and Meredith tells him that she can't remember their last kiss.

fd_CSI__Crime_Scene_Investigation_07x06

fd_CSI__Crime_Scene_Investigation_07x06_0

[BLURRY IMAGES] (We're inside a dark room, the blinds are closed. Light filters in through the blinds. Muffled sounds are heard. The rooms spins around slowly, then blurs out) [SCENE_BREAK] [FADE IN: BLURRY IMAGES] (Figures walk past the blinds. Sounds are still muffled. The room is tilted. The images blur out.) [SCENE_BREAK] [FADE IN: A DARK ROOM] (Blurry images continue to walk past the window. Voices of people arguing loudly are heard.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - BRASS'S OFFICE - NIGHT] (Grissom is lying on the couch, his eyes closed. He blinks hard, his eyes squinting and forehead contorted in pain. He hears the muffled sounds of arguing voices coming from outside the room.) (He looks around the room, the lights flash and pierce his eyes.) Reporter (woman): (o.s.) (clearly) There's an Amber Alert this evening in Clark County for two missing boys. FLASH TO: [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - CONFERENCE ROOM - NIGHT] (Brass briefs the roomful of officers.) Brass: Okay, we have two missing criticals -- Jason Crowley, age eleven -- black, male, four-foot-six; Lucas Hanson -- age ten, Caucasian, male, five feet. Now, uh, the boys were last seen at this location at 15:30 hours -- Jason Crowley's house. Jason lives with his grandfather, Terrance Crowley. The address is on your handouts. Terrance Crowley assumed that they were staying at Lucas's house. Dawn Hanson, Lucas's mother, returned home from work at 21:00 hours. She assumed they were at Terrance Crowley's house. She reported them missing at 24:00 hours. Now, we searched the schools, playgrounds, basketball courts. Found nothing. Canine is on the scene. Neither of the boys carried cell phones or pagers. Now, any questions? Officer: Boys ever run away before? Brass: No, and, uh, we interviewed the teachers at the school, and according to them, they're both good kids. (Grissom's cell phone beeps; he checks it.) Officer 2: (o.s.) Any, uh, distinguishing features or marks? Brass: Well, as you can see, Jason wears glasses, but that's it. Yeah? (Grissom's message reads: MY 204 MIGHT BE YOUR 418. NICK ) (Grissom gets up and slips out of the room.) Officer 3: (o.s.) Did Amber Alerts go out to any other states? Brass: Amber Alerts have gone out to the states of Utah, California ... [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. ARSON SITE (FISHER RESIDENCE) - NIGHT] (Grissom walks up the front drive. The fire is out. The area is taped off with emergency personnel at the scene. Grissom walks up to Nick, who is looking at a car parked in the driveway.) Grissom: Okay, so what does your arson have to do with my missing kids? Nick: Upon initial search of the premises, farmer located one adult male unconscious on the living room floor. His name's Carl Fisher. Paramedics have him on the bumper now. Once he came around, he started claiming every time there's an Amber Alert, somebody tries to kill him. Grissom: Child molester. Nick: Tier Two, by his own admission. (Grissom seems surprised. He heads over toward Carl Fisher, who is sitting on the back of the ambulance, the paramedics finished with him.) Grissom: Excuse me, Mr. Fisher? (Carl Fisher looks at Grissom. He's dirty and looking exhausted.) Grissom: My name's Gil Grissom. I'm with the Crime Lab. What happened to your shoes? Carl Fisher: They're in the house. I was asleep. Grissom: Are you familiar with the names Lucas Hanson or Jason Crowley? Carl Fisher: The kids from the Amber Alert? No, sir. I'm a convicted pedophile. That would be a violation of my parole. Grissom: Which is it -- boys or girls? Carl Fisher: Boys. Pre-teen. I know what you're thinking. Grissom: No, you don't. FADE TO END OF TEASER ROLL TITLE CREDITS [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. FISHER RESIDENCE - LIVING ROOM - NIGHT -- FLASHBACK] (Carl Fisher is on the couch, the flames of the fire in the living room. He coughs and looks around.) Carl Fisher: (V.O.) Don't know what woke me up, the smoke or the fire. (He looks at his cell phone on the floor and reaches for it with his left hand. It's too hot for him to pick up.) Carl Fisher: Ahh! (End of flashback.) [INT. HOSPITAL - NIGHT] (Carl Fisher is in a gown talking with Brass as Grissom picks up his camera.) Carl Fisher: Next thing I remember, I was outside, looking up at the paramedics. Grissom: Hold out your hands, please. (Grissom snaps photos of Carl Fisher's hands. His left hand is more burned than his right.) Grissom: Turn them over. Brass: So, uh, can you account for your whereabouts the last 24 hours? Carl Fisher: I worked from 6:00 until 2:00 p.m., and then I went straight home. (Grissom snaps photos of the blisters on Carl's back.) Brass: Where do you work? Carl Fisher: At the feed lot off Highway 111. I've got a Masters in English Literature. I used to teach high school. Brass: Let me guess -- the kids loved you. Carl Fisher: Someone set fire to my house. I almost died. Why don't you ask me about that? Brass: Okay. Who would want to barbecue you? Carl Fisher: My neighbors make it clear every day how they feel about me. I would start with Mr. Hamilton. He threw a rock through my window a few months back when a little girl went missing. Hamilton ... he barely finished high school. He has a lot of displaced anger. Brass: Hmm. Carl Fisher: You're not writing any of this down. Brass: I have a good memory. Carl Fisher: Listen, I've called you guys half a dozen times in the past two years. I've had my house graffitied, my windows broken, my tires slashed. Brass: Well, you know, Carl - (he sighs) -- sometimes bad things happen to bad people. (Grissom stops and looks at Brass. He doesn't say anything.) But I'll tell you what -- I'll let you file a formal complaint down at the police station. (Brass's phone rings; he checks his message. It reads: FROM: L.V.P.D. DAWN HANSON WAITING IN RECEPTION FOR YOU. ) Brass: I got to go. You all right here? Grissom: I'm almost done. (Brass leaves. Grissom continues working.) Carl Fisher: I've been living right the past five years since I got out of prison. I haven't gone near a child. I go to a support group every week. I've even lectured social workers on how to recognize sexual predators. Ask my parole officer. (Grissom doesn't say anything. He continues working.) Carl Fisher: (frustrated) Doesn't that count for something? Grissom: I don't know. But it doesn't change anything, does it? [SCENE_BREAK] [TELEVISION MONITOR] Paula Francis (news Reporter): (on tv) Police have no new clues in the disappearance of ten-year-old Lucas Hanson and 11-year-old Jason Crowley. [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - WAITING ROOM - NIGHT] (Dawn Hanson sits in the waiting room waiting for Brass.) Paula Francis (news Reporter): (on tv) Teachers and classmates are planning a six p.m. vigil at Rockwater Elementary ... (Brass walks in.) Brass: Mrs. Hanson, I got your message. You said it was urgent. Dawn Hanson: You told me to go home and look around. That's what I did. My ex took 'em. [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - BRASS' OFFICE - NIGHT] (Brass looks at the empty hide-away key container.) Brass: Ms. Hanson, I thought you told me that your ex-husband wasn't involved in Lucas's life. Dawn Hanson: He doesn't care about Lucas. He barely uses his visitation, and then, six months ago, I don't know, he-he got into some kind of trouble. He started coming around when Lucas was home alone. He'd gone through my mail, my checkbook. He-He stole our TVs. (Quick flashback to: [EXT. HANSON RESIDENCE - FRONT - DAY] Perry Hanson carries a television set down the front walk as Lucas and Jason Crowley follow.) Lucas Hanson: Daddy, please. Mama said she's gonna call the cops. Put it back. (Perry Hanson drops the television set into the back of his convertible.) Perry Hanson: Your mom can do whatever she wants. I paid for this. It's mine. (He gets in the car and leaves the two kids staring at him.) (End of flashback.) Dawn Hanson: So I told Lucas that he couldn't be home alone anymore, and I took his key. Brass: You locked your son out of his own house? Dawn Hanson: I made arrangements with Jason's grandpa. The hide-a-key is for emergencies only. Brass: So it's possible that Lucas took the key. Dawn Hanson: (voice breaking) Lucas ... Lucas always drops his book bag in the hallway and turns on the TV. I bought him a new one. I'm positive he didn't come home. Brass: Okay, all right, all right. Give me an address for your ex-husband. Dawn Hanson: 225-IHG. Brass: That sounds like a license plate. Dawn Hanson: Yeah, well, he moves around a lot. Practically lives out of his car. He ... He runs a stripper circuit on I-15. (Brass puts a mug photo of Carl Fisher on the desk and points to it.) Brass: Have you ever seen this man? Dawn Hanson: No. Why? Brass: Uh, he's a person of interest. (Brass turns to make the call.) Dawn Hanson: (interrupts, affronted) Lucas knows better than that. You don't talk to strangers. (Brass holds up a hand as he makes the call.) Brass: (to intercom) Ah, it's okay. Uh, yeah. Put out a broadcast on Perry Hanson. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY SUBURBAN COMMUNITY (STOCK) - DAY] [INT. CROWLEY RESIDENCE - JASON'S BEDROOM - DAY] (Sofia talks with Terrance Crowley as Catherine snaps photos of the residence.) Terrence Crowley: Look, Jason and Lucas probably just ran away. They're at that age. You know what I'm saying? Sofia: Well, kids with no money and no place to go usually come home quickly. Terrence Crowley: Do you know how hard it would be to catch them? Lucas is a big boy. And Jason ... (chuckles) Jason is fast. (Catherine sees two backpacks against the bedside table.) Terrence Crowley: The red one is Jason's. Catherine: Your grandson's into sports, huh? Terrence Crowley: Yeah, you'd think. Plays them damn video games. That's all he wants to do. I told him I don't allow that stuff in my house. Boys need fresh air and sunshine. Sofia: Uh, we haven't been able to reach Jason's father. Have you spoken to him? Terrence Crowley: You know, my son fell apart when his wife died. Quit his job. I was basically taking care of both of them. And then he got a great opportunity in Houston. Couldn't get Jason into a school until next semester, so I said I'd keep him until then. (A dog barks outside. Terrance Crowley turns and looks out the window. Sofia notices he's got a tooth missing.) Terrence Crowley: How do those dogs find people? Catherine: Just like the movies, they sniff them out. Terrence Crowley: Bet it's expensive, huh? Catherine: You worried about the money? Terrence Crowley: Let me tell you something. Boys are gonna walk right in here just like that runaway bride. And you people are gonna be handing me a bill for all the looking, you watch. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. FISHER RESIDENCE - FRONT -- DAY] (Nick is holding a hand-sized device and is testing the car hood. The meter beeps at regular intervals. Greg turns the corner of the house and walks over to Nick.) Greg: Hey. Nick: Hey. Greg: I talked with the neighbors. A Mrs. Hamilton says she walked her dogs around 6:00 last night. She saw Carl watering his outside plants. He was alone. She also said that after dark, everyone locks up their doors, and the kids stay inside. Nick: And let me guess. Nobody saw or heard anything, right? Greg: Right. Nick: Right. (Nick turns the hand-held reader off.) Greg: What do you got? Nick: Based on the burn pattern, the origin of the fire was definitely here. I detected an accelerant on the front of the car, and on the ground, both consistent with gasoline. Now, the back seat's still intact, so I figure the fire jumped from the car to the house and fast. INSERT: FLASHBACK (Someone lights the car. The house catches on fire.) BACK TO SCENE. (Nick walks over to the prints on the concrete marked by evidence markers and rulers.) Nick: Check this out. (Greg kneels down and looks at the prints.) Greg: Full shoe impression on the concrete. Nick: Someone stepped in the accelerant before the car was lit. INSERT: FLASHBACK (As someone leaves, they step in a puddle of gasoline and trail a wet shoeprint behind. It burns an impression into the concrete.) BACK TO SCENE. Greg: Treads lead toward the street. Could've been a neighbor. Nick: Could've been anybody. [INT. FISHER RESIDENCE - LIVING ROOM - DAY - CONTINUOUS] (Meanwhile Sara snaps photos of a pair of shoes inside the house next to evidence marker #1. She picks it up and looks at it. She puts it in a container.) (Sara looks around. She notices the burned stack of video games and video equipment. She snaps photos of it. She snaps photos of the burned video games on the living room floor.) (Warrick walks in.) Warrick: Well, so far, the only prints I found in the bedroom are Carl Fisher's. No semen stains in the bed. And nothing to indicate children. Sara: Well, there's tons of these. (She picks up the burned comic books.) Warrick: What's that? Sara: 'Spencer's Last Straw,' 'Wiz Kids,' 'Mayhem and McCabe,' 'Secret City.' Guy lives in a trailer. He drives an old Mercury. He has a ton of expensive DVDs and video games. There's gummi bears and chips on the floor. House might as well be made out of gingerbread. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY HIGHWAY (STOCK) -- DAY] (A police siren sounds.) [EXT. LAS VEGAS STREET -- DAY] (A blue convertible, license #225-IHG, is stopped by the side of the road. Brass and a couple of officers head toward the vehicle.) (Perry Hanson and a blonde stripper lean back against the side of the car.) Officer: Vehicle matched the description. Went to pull him over, he tried to split on us. (Brass looks at the driver's license.) Brass: Perry Hanson? So, Mr. Hanson, where are the boys? Perry Hanson: Which boys? Brass: Lucas and Jason. Perry Hanson: My kid, Lucas? What, did he ditch school or something? Brass: No, he's missing, and so is his best friend. You mean, you didn't hear the Amber Alert, or check your messages? Stripper: You don't have to talk to him, okay, Perry? (to Brass) See, I know the frickin' Constitution. Brass: I bet you do. Somebody get Ben Franklin out of here. (Officer Mitchell grabs the stripper's arm and pulls her away.) Officer Mitchell: Yes, sir. Ma'am. Stripper: Don't ... (She grumbles all the way.) Stripper: You didn't have to cuff us, you know? It's not like we're frickin' terrorists. Officer Mitchell: Put her in the car -- (The officers put the stripper in the car.) (Brass, meanwhile, looks in the car and notices the open glove compartment. He sees a key. He picks it up and looks at it.) (He then checks out the back seat and finds a baseball glove. He takes out a handkerchief and picks up the baseball glove. It has JASON CROWLEY'S name on it.) Brass: You want to tell me what Jason Crowley's baseball glove is doing in your car? Perry Hanson: (shrugs) Lucas must've left it there. I don't know, man, kids are always taking each other's crap. Brass: Yeah, well, I'm not taking any more of yours. You're under arrest. (The officer leads Perry Hanson to their vehicle.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. CROWLEY RESIDENCE - SIDE -- DAY] (The search dog barks. Catherine, Sofia and the officers stop at the wire gate. The dog whines, kneels forward and down at something at the base of the fence.) Catherine: Got something here. (Catherine finds a piece of khaki material caught in the wire fence. She picks it.) Catherine: Lucas was last seen wearing khaki-colored board shorts. Sofia: I've had calls here before. A lot of these houses are vacant. Catherine: Perfect place for a little privacy. Sofia: (to the officers) Okay, let's get around this fence. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - INTERVIEW ROOM -- DAY] (Brass walks in and talks with Perry Hanson.) Brass: Okay, let's hear it. Perry Hanson: You know my ex is crazy, right? Always been a drama queen. She probably told you that I stole the TV. Brass: I don't care about the TV. When was the last time you were in your house? Perry Hanson: Day I left -- I've never been back. (Brass shows a photo of the key.) Brass: I found this in your car. Guess whose front door it opens? Perry Hanson: Look ... my ex will hardly even let me see my kid. You know, not until I pay up on the vaginamony that I owe. And that's illegal. She doesn't care. Yesterday, I-I just wanted to see my boy. You know? So I went over there and he wasn't home. I guess I forgot to leave the key. Brass: Another sad, suffering single dad. Perry Hanson: You better find my kid. And if I were you, I'd start with Dawn's boyfriends. Brass: (scoffs) Oh, if you were me. (Brass gets up and heads for the door.) Perry Hanson: She only dates scumbags and bottom-feeders. At least I never been in prison. Brass: Well, that can change. (Brass leaves the room.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. ABANDONED RESIDENCE -- DAY] (A dog barks.) Officer Metcalf: (o.s.) LVPD. (The door opens open and officers enter. The officer with the search dog also enters. The dog barks.) Officer: Kitchen's clear. (Sofia enters the room with Catherine behind her.) Officer: Clear! (They stop in front of a closed closet door. The dog continues barking.) (Sofia opens the closet door and finds no one inside.) Sofia: Closet's clear. (to officers) Check the rest of the house. (The officers leave the room to check the rest of the house. The dog continues to bark at the closet. Catherine steps forward and closes the closet door. She finds blood on it.) Catherine: It's the door itself, not what's inside. There was a struggle here. (She uses a magnifying glass and looks at it.) I've got blood ... and short dark hairs caught in the wood. Could be Jason's. INSERT: FLASHBACK (Someone pushes Jason up against the door. He grunts upon impact.) BACK TO SCENE. (Sofia looks around the room.) Catherine: We've got tags. (Sofia finds blood on the floor.) Sofia: Blood smear. Catherine: That's far enough away from the door. It's possibly a separate event. (Sofia continues to walk through the room.) Sofia: Toys and candy. Catherine: Somebody's kids were playing here. (Catherine looks around the room and finds something on the floor.) Catherine: Sofia ... A dental bridge. (She picks it up and looks at it.) Catherine: Two premolars. INSERT: FLASHBACK (Sofia remembers Terrance Crowley's missing teeth.) Terrence Crowley: How do those dogs find people? BACK TO SCENE. Sofia: Grandpa lied through his teeth. (Catherine and Sofia share a look.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - INTERVIEW ROOM -- DAY] (Sofia puts a photo of the teeth on the table as she interviews Terrence Crowley.) Sofia: Recognize these? Terrence Crowley: You brought me way down here to show me a picture of my teeth? Huh? The least you could do is give 'em back. Sofia: Remember those dogs ... you were so interested in? Well, they led us to an abandoned house, not far from where you live, and that's where we found your teeth. We also found physical evidence -- blood evidence -- that tells us that your grandson and Lucas -- Terrence Crowley: You think you're real smart, lady. Don't you? Sofia: Before I start thinking you killed those boys, why don't you tell me what happened. Terrence Crowley: I was defending myself. Sofia: Against a pair of sixth graders? Terrence Crowley: You're damn right. Two boys can cause a lot of damages. Especially that Lucas. INSERT: FLASHBACK (Lucas and Jason are playing in the abandoned house. Terrence Crowley walks in and finds them. He starts yelling and they immediately stand up.) Terrence Crowley: Hey, hey, hey! Dinner was at 5:00, now it's cold -- let's go! Lucas Hanson: We don't want your food. We're going to eat at my house. Jason Crowley: My dad said I could stay with Lucas and his mom. I like it better there. Terrence Crowley: Don't you lie to me, boy. Jason Crowley: I'm not lying. I wish you weren't my grandpa. Terrence Crowley: Don't talk to me like that again. (Terrence grabs Jason and slams him up against the closet door. Lucas pushes Terrence away from Jason. Terrence's teeth fall out.) (Terrence pushes Lucas away from him. Lucas falls face forward on the hard floor.) BACK TO SCENE. Terrence Crowley: They had it coming. Those boys have no respect. They're punks. Now, I love my son, but he didn't do right by Jason. Sofia: So you thought you'd beat respect into him. Terrence Crowley: I don't need a lecture about how to discipline my grandson. That's the trouble with parents today, they're afraid of their own kids. Sofia: Sounds like they were afraid of you. Terrence Crowley: That's the way it's supposed to be. Sofia: What happened after the altercation? Terrence Crowley: They ran off. You don't want to eat, you go hungry. That's how you learn. Sofia: Why didn't you tell us this before? Terrence Crowley: I told you what was important, lady. Now those boys are going to be fine. What they're trying to do, they're trying to punish me. That's what they're trying to do. And you'll see, they'll be back. And then I will sit down and I will talk to Jason. Now, what about my teeth? Sofia: They're evidence. We'll give them back to you when we're done. Terrence Crowley: It was self-defense and you can't charge me. (Sofia looks at him for a moment, then nods.) Sofia: Okay, I'll let you go. Until we find the boys. (She gets up and heads for the door.) Terrence Crowley: Well, how am I supposed to get home? You took my car, too. Sofia: (on her way out) There's a bus stop down the street. (Sofia leaves the room. Terrence Crowley stands up to leave.) [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - HALLWAY - DAY - CONTINUOUS] (Sofia walks through the hallway. Terrence exits the interview room. A man walks past Sofia and heads for Terrence.) Gerald Crowley: Where is he? What did you do? Terrence Crowley: You better watch your tone. (Sofia heads back toward them.) Gerald Crowley: You swore you wouldn't lay a hand on him. Terrence Crowley: You better get out of my face, boy. Sofia: Are you Gerald Crowley? Jason's dad? Gerald Crowley: Yes, ma'am. Did you know this man is a bully? Big college football coach until he got caught abusing his own players. Almost got thrown in jail. You just had to take care of him for a few months. What the hell is wrong with you? Sofia: Okay, let's go talk some place. Gerald Crowley: (quietly) I swear ... If you hurt Jason ... I will kill you. (Sofia leads Gerald Crowley away.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - GARAGE -- DAY] (Sara examines the back seat of Carl Fisher's burned car. She finds a crushed large plastic drink container stuffed in the pocket of the seat in front of it. She puts it in a container.) (She then finds a cover of an old style whisky bottle. She checks between the cushions and pushes the armrest cushion down. She finds a napkin with picked-off mushrooms inside.) (Greg checks the front seats. He pries a melted piece of plastic off the floorboards and looks at it.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - LAB -- DAY] (Greg and Sara look at the melted piece of plastic.) Sara: It's a gas container. Greg: Yeah. I found it melted to the floorboard. INSERT: CGI (The plastic gas container is on the floor as the fire melts it down to plastic.) BACK TO SCENE. Sara: People are so predictable. Greg: Lucky for us. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. HOSPITAL - ROOM -- DAY] (The nurse pushes the dividing curtain back. Brass talks with Carl Fisher.) Carl Fisher: You want me to go to the station, and repeat all the facts I already told you. Brass: If you want to file a formal complaint to make it official, yes. (He looks at the form in Carl's hand.) Oh, is that a Red Cross voucher? I'll call and make a hotel reservation for you. (Carl stands up.) Carl Fisher: I got to go to the bathroom. You want me to leave the door open? Brass: I'm too old for you. (Brass speed dials his cell as Carl walks out of camera frame to the restroom..) Grissom: (from phone) Grissom. Brass: Yeah, Gil, yeah. He's agreed to come to the PD. But I can't keep him there long, so let's ratchet it up a notch and get something to hold him on, all right? [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - ROOM -- DAY] (Nick examines the prints of various kinds of shoes. Grissom walks in.) Grissom: Carl Fisher's on his way in to the station to sign off on his arson claim. Brass needs something from us to hold him. Nick: Yeah, if he's got those kids stashed somewhere, he could try to take them out of state. Grissom: Or worse. Nick: I wish I had more. The burned shoe impression was a size 11. Carl Fisher wears a size 11. But none of the patterns match up. And the shoes that Sara found near the sofa ... I can't even identify a brand. (He takes it out of the container and shows Grissom the print completely melted off.) Nick: Sorry. (Grissom leaves the room.) [INT. CSI - LAB - DAY -- CONTINUOUS] (Loud music blasts inside the room when Grissom walks in. He grimaces and turns the music off. Greg turns and looks at Grissom.) Grissom: Didn't we talk about this once before, Greg? Sara: I'm the one who turned the music on. (Grissom doesn't say anything. He heads over to Greg.) Grissom: What have you found? Greg: A gas container. As the heat melted the plastic, it formed pockets, trapping the gasoline inside. INSERT: CSI (The plastic melts and traps the liquid inside.) BACK TO SCENE. Greg: And if Hodges can isolate any unique compounds from the gas, you know, like, gas DNA. Grissom: Gasoline comparisons are only credible if you have pure samples. Otherwise, there's too many variables. Greg: I know that, Grissom. What I've extracted was never exposed directly to the fire. So, if we can identify either a dye, or a unique compound, and match to a particular station, then we might be able to prove whether Carl set the fire. (It's an extreme long-shot and it shows on Grissom's face.) Greg: I'll get this to Hodges. (Greg leaves the room.) Sara: Greg's got the coroner's inquest coming up. He's been under a lot of stress. Maybe you could be a little nicer to him. Grissom: I just want to find these boys. Sara: Okay. Carl Fisher, apparently ... (She shows him the plastic container with remnants of fruit punch inside.) Sara: ... eats and drinks in the backseat of his car. I found it in a seat pocket. Grissom: Fruit punch? Sara: Or a mixer. (She shows him the whiskey bottle cap.) Sara: Whiskey -- I did not find the bottle. Grissom: And ... so? Sara: Mushrooms, picked off a cheese pizza. I found it stuffed between the cushions in the backseat of the car. (She shows him the napkin with the mushrooms inside.) Sara: If you're an adult, and you don't like mushrooms, you don't order them. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - OFFICE -- DAY] (Carl Fisher is signing the form.) Brass: Oh, did I tell you, you can't check into the hotel till after four. Carl Fisher: I'll find something to do. Brass: Well, I'm wondering if you might hang out and volunteer your services here. Isn't that what you do? Talk to groups about sexual deviancy? Carl Fisher: You want me to help you do your job? Help you find those missing kids? Brass: Yeah, that's what I want. So you going to help us out or what? Carl Fisher: I may be able to offer some insights. But only if I can talk to the other guy. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - INTERVIEW ROOM -- DAY] (Carl Fisher has a coffee cup on the table near his bandaged right hand as he talks with Grissom.) Carl Fisher: I'm a victim of abuse. My older brother. I was eight. He was much older -- sixteen. He was jealous and angry. He wanted to destroy me. It's not offered as an excuse, but it might explain why I'm here with you right now. (Grissom opens the file folder and shows Carl the photos and info inside.) Grissom: These are known child molesters living within our search radius. (Carl looks at the photos.) Carl Fisher: I met him in prison. He's an environmental offender. Situational. Only molests members of his own family. Small world -- he's in my support group. (He continues looking through the photos.) Carl Fisher: Your boys are too ripe for him. He likes toddlers. A couple of these guys are mysopeds -- aggressive pedophiles. Some of their pleasures derive from physical violence. They like to molest, then beat, and sometimes kill their victims. But these guys aren't killers. Grissom: Who said the boys were dead? Carl Fisher: They've been gone a long time. (Grissom's phone beeps. He looks at it.) FROM W. BROWN 419 CHILD FOUND. Carl Fisher: Bad news? (Grissom stares at Carl Fisher.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. GOLF COURSE -- DAY] (Dawn Hanson and Gerald Crowley run across the greens as they head for the sand trap. The area has been taped off. When they reach the crime scene tape, two officers positioned there stop them.) Officer 1 (man): Sir, hold on. Officer 2 (woman): Ma'am, I'm sorry. I can't let you in. (As they watch, Warrick and Nick lift the small Caucasian boy and put him back down in the sand trap. Lucas's arms are crossed over his chest.) (Dawn Hanson screams.) Dawn Hanson: Oh! Oh, God! (She collapses to her knees. Gerald Crowley turns to help her.) Dawn Hanson: (cries) Oh, God, no! (Brass and Warrick turn as they hear Dawn Hanson cry.) (We hold on Dawn Hanson.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - FORENSIC AUTOPSY -- DAY] (David Phillips cleans the body and Nick goes over it for trace.) David Phillips: There's a scrape on his left cheek. Nick: Yeah, there's some minor bruising on the knuckles of his right hand. Probably a defensive wound. (Nick walks over to the table with Lucas's pants on it. He looks at the pants.) Nick: Catherine found some brown fabric on a fence nearby. I bet it's from these shorts. (He finds the tear. He puts the pants down and picks up the shirt.) Nick: Hey, super, you didn't leave this shirt inside out when you took it off the body, did you? David Phillips: No. Could be a redress. Nick: Yeah. Yeah, it could. (He puts the shirt down.) Okay ... Well, SAE kit should tell us whether or not he was molested. David Phillips: Sometimes this job gets to me. Nick: (nods) Yeah, me, too, buddy. Me, too. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. GOLF COURSE -- DAY] (Warrick and Brass walk around the sand trap and nearby water trap.) Warrick: Grandpa play golf? Brass: I think golf's a little too rich for his blood. Warrick: Doesn't mean he didn't follow them here. A killer wouldn't take time to bury him that way; it was too nice. It suggests whoever killed him cared about him, knew him, you know? Brass: Well, my money's still on the pedophile. (They stop near a large drainage pipe with a broken wire mesh in front of it. They both kneel down and look at the hole.) Warrick: A ten-year old could fit in there, huh? Brass: Well, Jason's a skinny kid. (Warrick steps forward and shines his flashlight inside. He finds a pair of broken kid-sized wire-rimmed glasses.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT -- DAY] (The Pizza Gal talks with Sara. She points to Lucas's photo .) Pizza Gal: I didn't see this boy at the pizza place, but I remember the little guy. (She points to Jason's photo .) He had a fat lip. I asked him where he got it. Sara: What did he tell you? Pizza Gal: He said his grandfather was a bully. I started to walk out with him and I was worried. But he swore he was safe. With friends. Sara: Did you see who he was with? Pizza Gal: Some white guy. It was pretty dark. Sara: And there was no one else with him? Pizza Gal: Not that I saw. But they ordered an extra-large with everything -- and that's 18 slices-and a full liter of cherry soda. If it matters, they sat in the parking lot for a while. Sara: Is there anything you can remember about the car? Make? Color? Pizza Gal: It was a Mercury Marquis. Sara: Are you positive? Pizza Gal: Yeah. My boyfriend's a street ... uh, he's into cars, so ... I know cars. (Sara nods.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - FORENCIS AUTOPSY -- DAY] (Robbins goes over the body with Nick.) Robbins: No sand in his nasal passages or lungs. He was dead before he was buried. Nick: Are those palm prints on his sternum? Robbins: Consistent in position and pressure with CPR. Also found air in his stomach. INSERT: CGI (Side view of a victim flat on their back. Someone blows air without tiling the head back and we see the air go into the esophagus and into the stomach. The stomach expands.) Robbins: (V.O.) If you don't tilt the head back, the trachea doesn't open. It forces air into the stomach instead of the lungs and that's bad CPR. BACK TO SCENE. Nick: Now, what kind of a killer performs CPR on their victim? Robbins: Well, maybe he didn't mean to kill him. His pupils were dilated. (Robbins picks up the metal bowl with the brains inside.) Robbins: I found a subdural hematoma in the left frontal lobe. That's your preliminary cause of death. I sent samples to Tox, of course. Nick: Catherine found blood smear on the floor where he was playing. He has a laceration on his cheek. And the grandpa admits he pushed Lucas down when he hit his head. Robbins: Except that, by itself, the head injury wouldn't have been immediately fatal or necessarily incapacitating. But, yeah, he would've had a headache. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - HALLWAY -- DAY] (Greg pushes a cart with gasoline samples on it over to Hodges, who waits for him in the doorway to Trace.) Greg: Hey, got some gasoline samples for you. Hodges: Thanks, Greg. It's gonna take a little while to fill my tank. Why don't I get you a funnel? (Greg doesn't smile.) Hodges: Kidding. You think your arson case has something to do with these missing kids? Greg: Well, Carl Fisher lives in the neighborhood, but, so far, his alibi checks out. Hodges: I don't know why pedophiles just don't kill themselves. Greg: Who knows, he might have tried. I collected these from service stations closest to his house. Hodges: Did you consider ... Greg: That he might have filled up on his way to work or anywhere else in Vegas? Yes -- that's why I wanted to get you started on these before I hit the other stations on the list. Hodges: Good job, gas-hopper. (Hodges takes the cart and heads back into Trace while Greg turns and leaves.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - INTERVIEW ROOM -- DAY] (Grissom is sitting. He has his eyes closed and rubs his temple with the tip of his index finger. He's obviously fighting a headache. And still talking with Carl Fisher.) Grissom: Okay, then ... what would you do if you were going to take those boys? Carl Fisher: I would be studying them. Do they like sports? Comic books? Do they skip school? Have any friends? Good parents, or are they neglected? Unhappy? Angry? Grissom: And then? Carl Fisher: What do you do when you like a woman? It's a game of seduction. Once you know what they like, you make contact. You start slowly, play it cool. Especially with boys. It's about building trust. (beat) Like you're doing with me. SHORT TIME CUT TO: (Grissom is standing.) Grissom: Do you like mushrooms, Carl? Carl Fisher: I like all the nightshade vegetables. Are you going to buy me dinner? Grissom: We found mushrooms in the backseat of your car. Carl Fisher: Is this turning into an interrogation? Grissom: (indicates the door) You're free to leave. (Carl doesn't move.) On the night the boys disappeared, witnesses said they saw them sitting in a car with a man, eating pizza. Carl Fisher: You take a date out to a nice steak dinner. Kids would rather have hamburgers or pizza. Grissom: Did you take the kids out for pizza? Carl Fisher: No, I'm talking hypothetically. You must be desperate for a suspect, or a scapegoat. Do you need to give the press something to chew on? Grissom: We just found Lucas Hanson's dead body. They're chewing on that. Carl Fisher: What about the other boy? Grissom: He's still missing. Carl Fisher: In my opinion, if someone killed one boy ... he'd kill them both. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - HALLWAY -- DAY] (Grissom pops two extra-strength acetaminophen and drinks them down with water from the water fountain. Brass walks up to him.) Brass: So, we're working on a couple of Jason sightings. Camper in Red Rock spotted a kid who looks like Jason, so I sent Vega. And Sofia is on her way to Bullhead City, Arizona. A woman on a bus called the cops. She swears that Jason's sitting next to her. That's what I've got. Any luck with Carl Fisher? Grissom: I don't know. He wants something from me ... or he wouldn't still be here. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - INTERVIEW ROOM -- DAY] (Grissom enters the room carrying a cup and takes his seat at the table. He gives the cup to Carl. Grissom and Carl look at each other.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - TRACE LAB -- DAY] (Hodges processes a gasoline sample from a container.) VARIOUS CUTS OF HODGES PROCESSING THE GASOLINE (He puts the sample in the machine and turns it on.) INSERT: CGI GRAPHICS (The results print out. He takes his phone out and calls.) Greg: (from phone) Sanders? Hodges: You can stop gassing up. I've got a match. AvCon on Buffalo Canyon. Pump six. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. DESERT (STOCK) - DAY] [EXT. PARKING LOT (BULLHEAD CITY, ARIZONA) - DAY] (Sofia talks with the driver of the bus parked nearby and the woman who called it in.) Sofia: Where did he board? Bus Driver: Vegas depot. Sofia: Was he with anyone? (The bus driver hesitates.) Sofia: So, I'm not gonna report you. You can tell me the truth. Bus Driver: Children aren't supposed to travel alone, but it was a full bus when I took off today. I couldn't tell you. (The woman is holding the MISSING flyer.) Female Passenger: He was definitely by himself. I saw this; I knew it was him. Bus Driver: I radioed my dispatcher. She told me to pull over at the next town, make sure he doesn't get off, and wait for you. Sofia: Thank you for your help. (to the woman) Can you tell me where he's sitting? Female Passenger: Back row. (Sofia steps into the bus.) [INT. BUS (PARKED) - DAY - CONTINUOUS] (Sofia heads for the back row. Jason peeks out from the seat he's hiding behind. Sofia takes her dark glasses off and sits in the seat across the aisle from where Jason is hiding.) Sofia: Hey. My name's Sofia. Are you Jason? (Jason doesn't say anything.) Sofia: There's nothing to be afraid of, Jason. You're not in trouble. I just want to help you. You're on your way to Texas to see your dad, right? It's just ... well, when you went missing, your dad flew to Las Vegas to find you. He's waiting for you. Can I take you to him? (She holds out his hand. Jason takes it.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY LIGHTS (STOCK) - NIGHT] Warrick: (V.O.) Is that the tox report for Lucas Hanson? [INT. CSI - HALLWAY -- NIGHT] (Nick and Warrick walk through the hallway. Nick hands the report printout to Warrick.) Nick: His blood alcohol -- point one six. Warrick: Geezus. It's a drunk kid. Nick: And Sara found a whiskey cap in Carl Fisher's car. Warrick: Oh, perfect way to loosen up a little boy -- give him pizza and whiskey. Nick: Yeah, well, listen to this. According to the report, Lucas also had 98 micrograms per milliliter of salicylates in his system. Warrick: Well, I guess he took the aspirin after he hit his head. Nick: Wonder who gave him that. Warrick: Probably the same responsible adult that gave him the whiskey. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - INTERVIEW ROOM --NIGHT] (Grissom looks exhausted. He rubs his temple with the tips of his fingers as he listens to Carl.) Carl Fisher: So, you think I got the boys drunk, and then killed them? Grissom: Not exactly. We found Jason Crowley. Alive. On a bus headed for Houston. Carl Fisher: One of the lucky ones. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - WAITING ROOM -- NIGHT] (Gerald Crowley sits in the waiting room. Sofia walks in with Jason. Gerald gets to his feet, then kneels to hug Jason.) Gerald Crowley: It's okay, Jason. Daddy's here, boy. Daddy's here. (Sofia stands on the side watching them.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - INTERVIEW ROOM --NIGHT] (Grissom talks with Carl Fisher.) Grissom: That bus ticket costs $95 for a child under twelve. Jason's grandfather doesn't keep any cash in the house, and he doesn't give him an allowance, so where do you think Jason got the cash? Carl Fisher: Maybe he stole it. Grissom: From whom? Carl Fisher: I don't know. Why don't you ask him? GRISSOM: I will. (Grissom stops for a moment and closes his eyes. He's still got his headache pain. Carl notices.) Carl Fisher: Do you get a lot of migraines, Gil? You should ask your doctor for a prescription of sumatriptan. Works for me. Grissom: Captain Brass wants to put you in a lineup. If you'll agree to it, then I think this will all be over with. Carl Fisher: Then let's do it. [SCENE_BREAK] [LINE UP] (Jason stands in the observation room looking at a line-up of similar men in body building and coloring to Carl Fisher. Jason's father, Gerald, is in the room standing behind Jason.) (The lights switch on.) Sofia: Do you recognize anyone, Jason? (Jason nods.) Sofia: Which number? (Jason points to Carl Fisher.) Sofia: Number two? Jason Crowley: Yes. Sofia: Was he the man who kidnapped you and Lucas? (Jason shakes his head.) Sofia: Jason, remember, you can see him, but he can't see you. Did number two hurt Lucas? Voice: (v.o., distant, distorted) I'll kill your dad if you tell ... Jason Crowley: No, ma'am. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - HALLWAY -- NIGHT] (Sofia walks Jason and Gerald through the hallway. Grissom steps out toward them and she shakes her head at him, no.) (They turn and leave.) (Greg enters the hallway. He hands Grissom the folder.) Greg: The gas DNA panned out. Grissom: (surprised) It did? Greg: Yeah. Hodges and I traced the gas back to a service station near Fisher's house. Station had security cameras. Got him filling up the night of the fire, so I went through the electronic receipts. All of them. Carl Fisher purchased 16 gallons. Grissom: And? Greg: His Mercury Marquis only holds 14, so, where did he put the extra two gallons? Grissom: In a plastic gas can? Greg: All which he paid for with his ATM. (Greg hands the ATM receipt to Grissom.) Greg: Not the same as cash. Grissom: Thanks, Greg. (Grissom turns and walks down the hallway, back to the interview room.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - HOLDING CELL --NIGHT] (Grissom talks with Carl Fisher.) Carl Fisher: No one has told me why I'm being detained. Grissom: Arson is a felony. You torched your own car. We have video surveillance and electronic records that show you purchasing gas and a gas can. Carl Fisher: I was trying to scam my insurance company. I needed the money. Grissom: You were destroying evidence of Lucas Hanson and Jason Crowley in your car. And I think you helped kill Lucas. Carl Fisher: No, I didn't. And you're not charging me for that, so I'm guessing Jason didn't pick me out of the lineup. Grissom: He told us he knew you. Kill one, kill both, remember? Carl Fisher: If I had killed Lucas, I would have killed Jason. (Grissom doesn't believe him. Carl sighs.) Carl Fisher: Lucas was looking for a father. His real one was an accident of biology. His mother was limited, always working. He was lonely. He found me. INSERT: FLASHBACK [EXT. SIDEWALK - DAY - FLASHBACK] (Carl is walking down the sidewalk bouncing his basketball. He's sweaty and just finished with a workout.) Lucas Hanson: (o.s.) I see you every day. You play a lot, huh? Maybe we can play sometime. (Carl turns and looks at Lucas.) Lucas Hanson: My best friend's always grounded. How about tomorrow? (Carl turns and tosses the basketball to Lucas.) BACK TO SCENE. Carl Fisher: Did you know that most parents spend less than twenty minutes a day of quality time with their kids? Lucas was starved for attention. All his mother did was complain about his father and how he'd abandoned them. Do you know what that does to a child? Grissom: It doesn't kill them. (Carl doesn't say anything.) Grissom: Okay, Carl, just tell me what happened. (Carl sighs.) Carl Fisher: Lucas and Jason had gotten into it with Jason's grandfather. He knocked the boys around. They ran to Lucas' house, but couldn't get in, so they came to me. INSERT: FLASHBACK [INT. FISHER RESIDENCE - LIVING ROOM - DAY - FLASHBACK] (Carl Fisher sits in his living room when there's a knock at his door.) (He finds Lucas and Jason standing outside.) Carl Fisher: Come on in, guys. (He lets them in.) Carl Fisher: (V.O.) I explained to them that hitting wasn't okay. BACK TO SCENE. Carl Fisher: I said Jason needed to call his father and tell him what was going on. Grissom: Did you let them use your phone? Carl Fisher: But they were too upset. When the grandfather pushed Lucas, he hit his head. I gave him a couple of aspirin. Grissom: Well, if he didn't want to call his mother, why didn't you call her? Carl Fisher: I couldn't risk it. She might have turned me in. Grissom: So, instead, you took them for pizza? Carl Fisher: I didn't touch him. I didn't want to hurt him. Grissom: You gave him liquor. Carl Fisher: I stopped and bought some whiskey before we picked up the pizza-- I was nervous about them being in the car with me. I didn't want to go back to prison. Grissom: And you wanted to get them drunk. Carl Fisher: They ... they just wanted to try it. I gave them a taste. INSERT: FLASHBACK [INT. CAR (PARKED) - NIGHT] (Carl gives Lucas some whiskey as Jason sits in the back seat of the car eating pizza.) Grissom: (V.O.) It was more than a taste, Carl. Lucas' blood alcohol level was point one six. That's twice the legal limit for an adult. BACK TO SCENE. Grissom: Why didn't you take them home? Carl Fisher: They didn't want to go home. They wanted an adventure. I promised them a dollar for every golf ball they brought back. INSERT: FLASHBACK [EXT. GOLF COURSE - NIGHT] (The car pulls up to the golf course.) Carl Fisher: (V.O.) Lucas wasn't feeling well, so he stayed in the car with me. (Jason gets out of the car. Lucas is in the car with Carl. His eyes are closed. Jason heads for the golf course.) BACK TO SCENE. Grissom: And you knew that Jason wanted money, so he could go to Texas and see his dad, so you bribed him in order to be alone with Lucas. Carl Fisher: I didn't molest him. Grissom: Who took his shirt off? Carl Fisher: He was hot. Grissom: What were you gonna do to him once his shirt was off? Carl Fisher: It was innocent. He wasn't feeling well. He laid his head in my lap. I touched his hair. I didn't want to ... I loved him. I loved Lucas, and he loved me. Grissom: Is that what you think? Then why didn't you help him? He told you he hit his head. He was in pain. He had a concussion, Carl. You must have known that. I'm sure he was dizzy, probably had no appetite. Maybe he was even slurring his words, but you didn't care about that, because you wanted what you wanted. INSERT: FLASHBACK [INT. CAR - NIGHT] (Carl helps take Lucas' shirt off as he shivers.) . Lucas puts his head on Carl's lap.) Carl Fisher: Lucas?! Lucas! (Cut to: Lucas is flat on the asphalt outside as Carl tries to help him.) Grissom: (V.O.) His brain was bleeding. BACK TO SCENE. Grissom: Now, most kids won't die from that, because someone who really loves them takes them to the hospital, but instead, you gave him alcohol and aspirin, a lethal combination for his head injury. It prevented his blood from clotting. You killed him, Carl. INSERT: FLASHBACK [EXT. GOLF COURSE - NIGHT] (Carl is over Lucas's dead body. Jason returns, his shirt full of golf balls. He sees Lucas dead and drops the golf balls.) Grissom: (V.O.) And you would have killed Jason, too, except he ran away from you and out of your reach. (Jason turns and runs.) Carl Fisher: Jason -- (Jason runs and crawls into a drain pipe.) Carl Fisher: Jason! (Carl runs and finds Jason in the drain pipe.) Carl Fisher: Hey, what are you doing in there? BACK TO SCENE. Carl Fisher: You're not listening to me. I didn't want to hurt anyone. I need you to believe me. Grissom: I don't. You had choices. You made the wrong ones. And now this little boy is gone. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY LIGHTS (STOCK) - NIGHT] [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - HALLWAY -- NIGHT] (Grissom and Brass talk in the hallway in front of his office door.) Brass: So I talked Voris into violating parole, and we're adding the charges of negligent homicide. You're not gonna see Carl for a long time. (Officer Mitchell turns the corner with Carl Fisher in handcuffs.) Brass: Also, we, uh ... we've arrested the grandpa, Terrance Crowley, for child abuse. Grissom: Everybody wins. (Brass shrugs.) Grissom: Except Lucas. (Officer Metcalf turns the corner with Terrance Crowley in handcuffs. The two men cross in the hallway.) Terrence Crowley: (hisses to Carl) You're gonna fry. (Carl lunges at Terrance.) Carl Fisher: You drove him right to me, you b*st*rd! You did this! You did this! Terrence Crowley: I'll kill you! (Officers pull the two men apart. Brass rushes over to join them.) (Grissom turns when he hears more arguing in the hallway adjacent to him. Margaret Finn and Brad Lewis, the two lawyers, argue with an officer. Their voices echo and get distorted from the pain in his head.) Margaret Finn: Where is Carl Fisher? You can't take him to County ... Brad Lewis: Mr. Crowley's civil rights were violated. This department is racist. Margaret Finn: Excuse me! I was here first. My client has been detained illegally. (Grissom slips into Brass's office.) [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - BRASS'S OFFICE - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS] (He closes the blinds. The voices outside echo as the arguing continues.) Brad Lewis: You cannot charge Mister ... (Grissom turns and makes his way over to the couch. He sits down, exhausted. He closes his eyes from the pain in his head, then lies back, his head on the armrest.) (He sighs and squeezes his eyes closed.) (The arguing outside continues. The blurry images from the teaser are repeated here.) (Light filters in through the blinds. Muffled sounds are heard.) (Figures walk past the blinds. Sounds are still muffled. The room is tilted.) (Grissom squeezes his eyes closed. The arguing outside continues.)

When two young boys are reported missing, a known neighborhood sex offender, played by Alan Tudyk , is the primary suspect. In an attempt to extract his confession, Grissom asks for the pedophile's help in catching the boys' abductor. However, the case turns out to be much more complicated than Grissom or the rest of the CSI team ever expected.

fd_Charmed_05x09

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[Scene: P3. Piper and Phoebe are watching a band play. Paige is sitting on a couch near by and a cute guy walks over and kisses her on the cheek.] Guy: You're mad, I'm late, I know. Paige: Oh, god, no, not at all, don't worry about it. Guy: Good, 'cause I'd hate to spend the weekend in Big Sur arguing. Paige: What? Guy: You and me, driving down the coast. Radio on, top down. All you have to do is say yes. Paige: That sounds really great, but... Guy: But that's not a yes. Paige: It's just that's this isn't really going to work. Guy: Okay, we can reschedule. Paige: Not the weekend, us. I'm really sorry. Guy: Yeah, me too. (He leaves.) [Cut to Piper and Phoebe watching from across the room.] Phoebe: Oh. Piper: Uh, there he goes. I really thought that one was a keeper. Phoebe: Why, because he was cute and funny and oh, yeah, don't let me forget, deliciously yummy. Piper: That's the second guy in a row she's dumped. Phoebe: Uh, third, but who's counting. So you think she has commitment issues? Or you think she's just too picky? Piper: I don't know, I'd love to speculate but I've gotta go. Phoebe: Piper, if you haven't noticed, the Flaming Lips are playing at your club. My-my favourite group. Piper: I know and that's why you're not going to scare them when you go back stage, okay. Phoebe: Okay. Piper: I've gotta go home because I've gotta interview magical nannies tomorrow and I gotta prepare. Phoebe: Wait, magical nannies? You mean like Mary Poppins? Piper: Oh, one can only hope, but no. Leo has arranged for us to meet supernatural creatures that have child care experience. Phoebe: Creatures? Piper: It's not like I can call a service and ask for a nanny to watch over my little Charmed One while I go off and slay slimy demons. Phoebe: That's a good point. But don't you think it's a little early to be looking for nannies? I mean, you're not even showing yet, except for your boobies. Piper: I'm telling you, they are large and they are definitely in charge but at least something is normal about this pregnancy. Okay, I'll see you. (She gets up.) Phoebe: I just... Can I... (Piper leaves. Paige walks over to Phoebe and sits down beside her.) Paige: Breaking up is such a downer. Phoebe: Yeah, honey, well, practice makes perfect. Well, you know, I mean, if it's not right, it's not right. Why wasn't it right? Paige: I don't know, I could kinda just tell it wasn't really going anywhere so I thought I'm gonna cut this one off at the pass before it gets messy and he likes me too much. Phoebe: Okay, if you say so. At least you don't have to worry about if he's gonna attack again. Paige: Is that some sort of Cole segue? Phoebe: Yeah, well, now that you mention him, um, he hasn't contacted me in a while. Paige: That's a good thing, right? Phoebe: Yeah, it is for me, I'm just worried about the rest of humanity, you know. Cole doesn't just do nothing, which means he's up to something. And now that he knows that we're definitely not together anymore, I'm afraid that something might be evil. [Scene: A bar. Cole is sitting at the bar, unshaven, drinking a shot of whiskey. Two thugs with shotguns walk in.] Thug #1: Get out of the way! (He pushes someone to the ground. People try to escape out the door.) Where do you think you're going? You're not going anywhere. Get down! (He pushes another person on the ground. He fires his gun at the roof.) Nobody move! Everybody keep their hands where I can see them. Let's go! All your valuables, all your money! Hurry up! Watches, wallets. (Cole ignores the noise surrounding him and pours himself another shot of whiskey. The bartender reaches behind the bar and pulls out a gun. He points it at the thugs and before he can shoot, is shot down by Thug #1.) Come on, nothing's changed. Give me the money. Hurry up! (A biker makes a run for the exit and Thug #2 shoots continually trying to hit the biker. The biker runs past Cole and a bullet shoots straight through his chest, breaking the glass of whiskey in his hand. The thug looks at his gun, wondering how Cole is still alive. The bullet wound in Cole magically heals. He turns to the thugs and telekinetically sends the thugs crashing against the wall. Everyone runs for the exit. Thug #1 reaches for his gun and Cole throws an energy ball, incinerating him. Thug #2 heads for the exit but before he can escape, Cole throws another energy ball at him, incinerating him. Cole roars, he can't believe what he's done. Two Avatars dressed in black suits magically appear in the room.) Avatar #1: We've been waiting for this moment, Cole. Avatar #2: Yes, welcome. Opening Credits [Scene: Manor. Kitchen. Piper and Paige are there. Piper is cleaning. Paige spills crumbs over the counter while eating some cake.] Piper: Hey! Lady, I'm trying to make a good impression here, put it down, put it down, put it down! (Paige drops the cake in its packet and Piper moves it over to the sink.) Paige: On the nannies? Piper: Yeah. I want the best and the best don't work for slobs. Paige: We're not slobs! Piper: Oh, yeah? How come I spent all night cleaning potions stains off of the ceiling? Paige: That's gespacio, not potion. Piper: Well, you know what? Blenders have lids. Paige: Piper, you need to relax, okay? Piper: I will relax when Leo gets here. We haven't had a chance to prepare. Paige: What's to prepare? You're a Charmed One, your reputation precedes you. Piper: Oh, you mean how evil barges in here all hours of the day and night hell bent on killing us? Not exactly an ideal working environment. (Leo orbs in beside Piper.) Oh, finally. I was afraid that the Elders drummed up one of their it can't wait assignments. (Leo gives her a look.) Can't it wait? Leo: No, it can't wait. , But the assignment's not for me, it's for Paige. You're getting your first charge. Paige: Are you serious? Leo: Well, the Elders aren't exactly known for their sense of humour. Paige: That is so great! I am now Paige Matthews, Whitelighter-Witch. I'm a hyphenate. Piper: Wait a minute, since when are you psyched about Whitelighter duty? Paige: Well, it is half of who I am. Who's my charge gonna be? Is it a Whitelighter-to-be? A philanthropist? A doctor? Leo: Not exactly. Paige: Oh, wait, don't tell me. It's a young girl, a witch, she's just coming into her powers, oh my god, I can totally relate to that. Piper: You ramble when you're excited. Paige: Sorry. Leo: All I can tell you about your charge is that he is a good man who's lost his way. Piper: And why is that all you can tell her? Leo: Because the Elders want Paige to figure the rest out for herself. Piper: Yeah, see, you're being vague. Leo: You're charge's name is Samuel. Paige: Samuel. Good strong biblical name. Okay, where do I find him? Leo: The Elders aren't sure but they think that you should be able to sense his location. Piper: So wait a minute, if the Elders have lost track of him, why did they suddenly think Paige can find him? Leo: Well, the Elders have complete faith in Paige's ability, so do I. All we have to do is trust that they know what they're doing. Piper: How are you supposed to trust people that don't answer your questions? Paige: Okay, enough, Negative Nancy, you just scurry back to your tidying, I don't want anybody to rain on my Whitelighter parade. Phoebe: Paige! Piper! (Piper, Paige and Leo walk into the parlor where Phoebe is coming down the stairs.) Hey. Piper: What is it? Phoebe: We have a demon to vanquish. Paige, what did you do with the vanquishing potion that you made for Cole? Leo: Cole? Paige: I tossed it. Phoebe: You tossed it? Paige: Well, yeah, it wasn't strong enough. I tried it on that letter opener that had Cole's blood on it but it barely even dented it. Phoebe: Okay, well, you have to figure out a way to make another one that's strong enough, and fast. Piper: Hang on a second, lady, what are you talking about? Phoebe: Last night, two guys held up a bar and a vigilante killed them. Paige: Sounds more like you need an arrest warrant, not a potion. Phoebe: Not when the vigilante is talk, dark and handsome and can send people flying with the wave of a hand. Piper: Well, that doesn't mean it's Cole. Phoebe: Did I forget to mention the scorch marks? Piper: That means it's Cole. Leo: Why don't you, uh... Paige: Let me handle this. Phoebe, being that I'm also a Whitelighter, I just want to warn you that, you know, maybe you shouldn't jump to conclusions and you should have all the facts before you act. Phoebe: Actually, you're right. Paige: I am good at this. Phoebe: Well, you better start working on the potion because if I'm right about Cole, our truce with him is over. [Scene: Cole's apartment. Cole is there. He opens the doors to the balcony and looks out. The two Avatars appear in the room. Cole turns around.] Cole: I told you last night, leave me alone. Avatar #1: Last night you crossed a line. The power inside you has grown. Avatar #2: You have nowhere else to turn except to us. Cole: I won't turn to you. Avatar #2: Good and evil are such useless categories. Endlessly in battle, neither side ever winning. Gets rather boring don't you think? Cole: And what are you? Avatar #2: The Avatars. Cole: Avatars of what? Avatar #2: Force and power. And we don't have to limit ourselves to choosing between good and evil, we can drive them both. Cole: What's that got to do with me? Avatar #2: There are only a few but we are preparing to wield the power the likes of which this world has never seen. Avatar #1: And we want you to be apart of it. Cole: Let me make myself clear. I want nothing to do with you. (He throws two energy balls at the Avatars but has no effect.) Avatar #2: You can't fight us, Cole. It is futile to try. Sooner or later you will join us. It is inevitable. (The elevator dings. The Avatars disappear. The elevator doors open and Phoebe walks in.) Phoebe: Back to your old self again, huh? Cole: Get outta here. Phoebe: Did you kill two people last night? Cole: I don't have time for this. Phoebe: Well, you better make time for this. Cole: I can't be good, I won't be evil. What do you want from me? Phoebe: I want an answer. Cole: Yes. I killed those two criminals. And you wanna know something else? It was easy, it felt very natural. Is that what you wanted to hear? Phoebe: You just don't get it do you? They weren't only two criminals, they were two human beings, Cole. Cole: Spare me the judgmental crap. You have no idea what I'm going through right now. Phoebe: No, I don't and I don't wanna know. Cole: Then why are you still here? Phoebe: I'm here to warn you. If you kill another person, good or evil, I will vanquish you. (She heads back to the elevator.) Cole: You really think you have the power to vanquish me? Phoebe: Try me. (She walks into the elevator and the doors shut.) Cole: I might just do that. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: An alley. Paige and Leo are there. Paige steps over a large puddle.] Paige: If this is where I'm supposed to find my charge you might've told me not to wear my Jimmy Choos. Leo: Jimmy who? Paige: My shoes. Ugh, men. So I'm guessing my wealthy philanthropist theory was wrong. Leo: I told you he is a lost soul in need of saving. Paige: Yeah, this definitely looks like a place where lost souls would hang out. Probably also some rats, some roaches, and human waste. Ugh. At least my cover will work. Leo: Cover? Paige: Social worker. Well, I have to tell Samuel something. Leo: Well, in this case I don't think you're gonna need a cover. Paige: In this case? Leo: Well, every case is different. Paige: Piper's right, you are being evasive. (Paige suddenly senses her charge.) I feel something, I think he's close. Leo: You're sensing him? Paige: No, it's more like a-a magnetic pull. (They walk further down the alley and reach the back of a Tavern. The door opens and a drunk Samuel is thrown out, landing at Paige's feet.) Bartender: And stay out! Leo: Good luck. Paige: Where are you going? Leo: Nanny interviews. (Leo orbs out. Samuel coughs and vomits on Paige's shoes. She pulls a face.) Paige: Aww, great, this is just great. [Time lapse. Samuel's apartment. Paige helps Samuel in, trying her best to keep him on his feet.] Samuel: You're strong, for a girl. (He sits on the bed.) Paige: Thanks, I think. Ugh, well, here we are. Home sweet home. Samuel: It's a dump. Paige: No! It's... shabby sheik. Samuel: It's a shabby dump. Paige: Well, how about some coffee? Samuel: How about you leave me alone? Paige: Maybe you just wanna talk, you know, I am a really good listener. Samuel: What part of alone don't you understand? Paige: Okay, maybe some other time. But if you need help of any variety, just call this number and I'll be there, okay? (She pulls out a pad and a pen and writes her number down.) I'll be right there to help you. Samuel: I can't believe the Elders finally tracked me down, with a novice no less. Paige: Wait a second, you know? Samuel: A little advice, you need to work up a cover. Didn't you read the Whitelighter manual? Paige: There's a manual? Samuel: I can't believe the Elders sent a newbie out after me. Paige: Well, I can't believe the Elders saddled me with a cranky old drunk as my first charge. (He stumbles off the bed and laughs.) Samuel: You got spunk, I like that. Now go away. Paige: No, I will not go away. I may be new at this but I was sent here to guide and protect you and that is exactly what I'm going to do. Like it or not! (A Darklighter appears and points his crossbow at Samuel.) No! (Paige pushes the Darklighter to the floor. The Darklighter gets back up and points the crossbow at Sam. Sam backs against a cupboard.) Duck! [Scene: Manor. Conservatory. Piper, Leo and a really short elf woman with pointy ears and green eyes are there.] Elf Woman: Sorry, I don't cook. Piper: Cooking, that's a no, okay, got it. (Piper marks something off on her clipboard.) Elf Woman: And only light house cleaning. Leo: Oh, that's okay, because Piper's a neat freak. Elf Woman: If you don't mind, I have a few questions of my own. (A quill and some parchment magically appear in the Elf's hand.) Piper: Oh, of course you do, well, yeah, please. Elf Woman: Am I expected to protect the baby from the incessant demon attacks? Piper: I'd say incessant is a bit of an over statement. Elf Woman: You are a Charmed One, correct? Piper: Yes, uh, but that won't affect your job here. Leo: Won't it? Piper: No, honey, it won't. Whitelighters, they're such pessimists. Demons, you see, demons rarely attack us in the house, so... (Suddenly, Paige orbs in with Samuel.) Paige: Darklighter, incoming! (The Elf woman gives Piper a look.) Piper: This is highly unusual. (The Darklighter appears in the room and shoots his crossbow at Samuel. An arrow hits him in the shoulder.) Paige: Samuel! (Piper tries to blow the Darklighter up but only blows up his arm. He screams in pain. Phoebe walks in and panics when she sees what's going on. The Darklighter disappears.) Phoebe: Wh-? Elf Woman: Consider my application withdrawn. (The Elf Woman grabs her purse and magically disappears.) Piper: Damn it! (They rush over to Samuel.) Leo: (to Paige) Don't touch it. It's poisonous to you too. Piper: (to Phoebe) Is that who I think it is? Phoebe: Mum's Whitelighter. Piper: And Paige's father. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Manor. Conservatory. Piper, Phoebe, Paige, Leo and Samuel are there. Phoebe leans Samuel against the chair.] Phoebe: It's okay, you're gonna be okay. Paige: This can't be happening. I can't be losing my first charge. Phoebe: You're not. Everyone with Whitelighter blood, back up. (Piper, Paige and Leo take a step back.) Paige: Leo, I can't believe you didn't tell me he was a Whitelighter. Leo: Paige, just try and stay calm. (Phoebe breaks the tip of the arrow.) Paige: Calm? The Elders sent me to protect someone without telling me who he was. Piper: I'd say that's a bit of an understatement. Paige: Is there something else I should know? (Samuel screams as Phoebe pushes the arrow out.) Phoebe: Okay. (Leo goes over to Samuel and heals his wound.) Piper: Paige, go get the Book of Shadows. Paige: Why? We know it was a Darklighter. Piper: No, there was something different about that guy. You just go get the book. Paige: Fine. (Paige leaves.) Leo: You alright? Samuel: I'm still alive aren't I? Piper: Long time no see. (He looks at Piper and Phoebe.) Samuel: Piper, Phoebe, how you been? Phoebe: Last time we saw you, you were riding into the afterlife with our mother. What happened? Samuel: They made me a Whitelighter again. And I screwed up again. I guess I never got over... Piper: Losing your daughter? Yeah, that's the one. Samuel: I've gotta get out of here. (He gets up. Cole appears in the living room. He hides behind the wall and listens in on their conversation.) Leo: Don't. She's your Whitelighter for a reason, the Elders are trying to help you. Samuel: By reuniting me with the child they forced me to give up? Piper: You knew about this supernatural Jenny Jones reunion, didn't you? Leo: I was sworn to secrecy. Piper: Ugh. Samuel: It doesn't matter. (Samuel walks into the parlor. Piper, Phoebe and Leo follow.) Phoebe: No, hey, wait a minute. Aren't you forgetting someone? Like that girl upstairs that's trying to save your life. Samuel: She's better off without me. Phoebe: This isn't right. Samuel: I'll tell you what's not right. The Elders setting me up. Leo: You forced them to. When you stopped using your powers, you feel off the radar. The only way to find you was through a blood relative. Samuel: I never wanted to be found. At least of all by her. Piper: Don't you think she at least deserves to know the truth? Samuel: The truth? That her birth father, the Whitelighter, is a two-timing loser and a drunk? (Cole disappears from the living room.) She doesn't need to know that. (Samuel orbs out. Paige comes down the stairs with the book.) Paige: Where's Samuel? Piper: He, uh, he orbed out. Paige: What? You just let him? Phoebe: We couldn't stop him. Did you find anything in the book? Paige: No. (She slams down the book.) Leo: Well, we're pretty sure that he's a tracker. They're stronger and more powerful than the Darklighters you've dealt with. They go after fallen Darklighters, especially those who are a step away from losing their wings. Paige: Okay, if you knew all that, why did you send me for the book? Piper: Because I didn't know that. Sorry. So we're gonna need a vanquishing potion. Why don't you two get started on that and Leo and I will go find Sam. Paige: Wait a second, he's my charge, I'm gonna go look for him. Leo: Well, he's been orbing a lot longer than you have, you might lose him. I have a better chance of finding him than you do. Piper: Mm-hm, here, we're gonna go. We're going. (Leo orbs out with Piper.) [Scene: The Darklighter's Lair. The Darklighter is there holding onto his arm stump. He groans in pain. Cole appears near by.] Cole: Get up. What's wrong? Lose your hearing along with your arm? I said get up! Darklighter: I can't. Cole: Stop feeling sorry for yourself. (He walks over to the Darklighter and pulls him up.) You're not the only one with problems. Darklighter: What do you want? Cole: A way out. And you're it. You are gonna help me destroy the Charmed Ones. Darklighter: I'm not going anywhere near them. Cole: Look at it as payback. (Cole waves his hand and the Darklighter's arm magically appears.) Okay, now you know where I'm from, I'm gonna tell you what I want. First, we go after the witches, then we go after that decrepit Whitelighter that you're looking for. Darklighter: I want that Whitelighter dead now. Cole: Patience. One of the witches is his long lost kid. Kill her and he'll be begging to die. Darklighter: What now? Cole: You're gonna need some extra fire power and I'm gonna give it to you. (He waves his arm in front of the Darklighter.) Darklighter: What do you get out of this? Cole: Let's just say I'm looking for a show down. [Scene: Samuel's apartment. Piper and Leo are waiting there. Samuel orbs in.] Piper: Thought you'd lost us, did you? Leo: We knew you'd be back sooner or later. Samuel: What is with you people? Can't you take a hint? Leo: We need to talk. Samuel: I don't wanna talk. I wanna be left alone. Why else do you think I've been orbing all over creation? Piper: Well, chickening out comes to mind. Leo: Sam, I know it hurts. Samuel: Oh, you know? How? How can you? Leo: I-I know loss. Samuel: Hubris of a Whitelighter. Thinking we know everything just because of who we are, well, that is crap. Piper: Now you got a point there. So why don't you help us understand. Samuel: You want to understand, do you? When you hold that precious little baby of yours in your arms and you love her more than anything in the world, and then you give her to someone else to raise and grow up with. Piper: You and mum did that to protect Paige. Samuel: I didn't work, did it? As soon as she found out who she was, a witch, a Charmed... (He starts to cry.) It was just a matter of time until I lost her again. And I couldn't handle that. Look, uh, it doesn't matter, just leave, please. Pretend you never found me. Leo: It does matter, Sam. That Darklighter is not gonna stop until he kills you. Samuel: Maybe that's my destiny, you ever think of that? Leo: Look, come on, that is a cop out and you know it. Piper: You really think the Elders brought you and Paige together so she could watch you die? Samuel: Look at you, of all people, defending the Elders. Piper: Hey, they may not be on my Christmas list but that doesn't mean they don't usually have a good reason for doing the things that they do. Samuel: Like telling you you couldn't marry Leo? Piper: I said usually. Look, if you don't want our help, that's fine. But maybe this isn't about you, maybe this is about helping Paige. Samuel: Helping Paige with what? Piper: Knowing where she comes from for starters. [Scene: Manor. Kitchen. Phoebe and Paige are there. Phoebe is making a potion.] Paige: So you don't know him at all? Phoebe: You know, we run into a lot of people in our line or work. Paige: Hey, once again, not an answer. Phoebe: Can you pass me the cardamom please? (Paige does so. Phoebe sprinkles some in the potion and starts humming.) Paige: Okay, I'm just gonna take a guess now. Let's see, maybe the Elders gave him to me because he's a lost cause they couldn't pawn off on anyone else. Phoebe: Toadflax. (Paige hands her the toadflax.) Paige: Just tell me if I'm hot or cold. Phoebe: Um, okay, maybe the Elders thought you would actually learn something from working with him. Paige: Like what? How to give up? Phoebe: No, I think you pretty much got that down. Paige: Okay, passive-aggressive, what does that mean? Phoebe: Come on, Paige, you know you're pretty quick to judge people. Paige: Like who? Phoebe: Trevor. Paige: Okay, Trevor is an orange, my charge would be an apple, I fail to see the connection. Phoebe: Okay, take my word for it, you need to give Samuel another chance, it's important for you both. Paige: Okay, enough with the cryptic. Tell me what you know and please don't change the subject. Phoebe: Okay, you really wanna know? Paige: Yeah. Phoebe: Sam was mum's Whitelighter. Paige: That would make him... Phoebe: Your biological father. Honey, are you okay? Paige: Great, I'm just great. I just don't quite see why the big secret. Why couldn't anybody tell me? (Samuel walks in.) Samuel: I should have told you. I'm sorry. I was hoping we could talk. Phoebe: Go ahead, honey, I'll finish the potion. Paige: Yeah, we can talk. Phoebe: I'm here for you if you need me. (Paige leaves the kitchen.) [Cut to the conservatory. Paige and Samuel walk in.] Samuel: You hate me, don't you? Paige: Why should I? You're a stranger to me. Samuel: That's a perfectly fair statement. Paige: Spoken like a true Whitelighter. Samuel: But not a father. Paige: I had a father. One who made me proud to be his daughter, and it's not you. Samuel: I haven't made you very proud have I? Paige: No offence, but I don't know you. And I actually haven't spent a lot of time over the years thinking about you. Samuel: Well, maybe you should. After all, I'm the one who gave you up at birth. That has to have caused you some pain. [Cut to the kitchen. Piper and Leo orb in.] Phoebe: Hey, nice job, you guys. Leo: What do you mean? Phoebe: Sam's in there talking to Paige. Leo: What? Piper: That's impossible. Sam refused to come back. [Cut to the conservatory.] Samuel: You can pretend all you want that it hasn't affected you, but we both know better than that. Paige: How would you know? Who the hell do you think you are anyway? (Piper, Phoebe and Leo run in.) Leo: Paige. Piper: That's not Sam. Paige: What are you talking about? Samuel: She's talking about this. (Samuel morphs into Cole.) Paige: You son of a bitch. Cole: Wait, it gets better. Ronan! (Ronan the Darklighter appears with his crossbow. Piper tries to blow him up but nothing happens.) Piper: What happened? Cole: He's immune. Phoebe: Not to this. (Phoebe throws the potion at Ronan but nothing happens. Ronan points his crossbow at them.) Paige: Uh-oh. (He shoots his crossbow and the arrow splits into three. An arrow hits Paige in the stomach, another hitting Leo's arm and when the third hits Piper's stomach, a blue force field appears and the arrow crumbles to the ground. Paige and Leo fall to the floor.) Cole: Ooh. Let's go. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Manor. Conservatory. Piper, Phoebe, Paige and Leo are there. The arrows have been pulled out of Paige and Leo. Leo is lying on the floor with his head propped up on a pillow. Piper is kneeling beside him tying a cloth around his arm. Paige is lying on a chair while Phoebe dabs her wound with a towel. Paige groans.] Paige: You can't stop the bleeding, can you? Phoebe: Shh, just try and rest. (Piper walks over to Phoebe and Paige.) How's Leo doing? Piper: He's been better. Phoebe: I can't believe Cole would go this far. Piper: Yeah, and why now? What's the occasion? Phoebe: Because he's pure evil. Piper: Yeah, but it's just not smart. And good or evil, Cole is usually smart. Phoebe: Well, he's obviously lost his mind. I mean, he killed two people yesterday, in public. Paige: I've been thinking about the vanquishing potion. Maybe if you mix three different ones... Phoebe: No, you're gonna be able to make the vanquishing potion, just as soon as we figure out a way to heal you. Piper: We've gotta find Sam. He's our only chance. Paige: Then I'm screwed. Phoebe: Don't think like that. Paige: Why? Sam bails, that's what he does. This time it won't be any different. Piper: It's different because now you're the one that's hurt. So you gotta find him and I will go get him and bring him back here and Phoebe will stay with you and Leo. Phoebe: You can't go alone. Piper: No, I'm not alone. Apparently the baby here prefers mummy to be indestructible. Phoebe: That's a good point, you go. Piper: It's up to you, you've gotta sense him. Concentrate. (Paige closes her eyes.) [Scene: Alley behind the Tavern. Samuel is asleep on some rubbish with an empty alcohol bottle in his hand. Ronan the Darklighter appears and points his crossbow at Samuel. Cole appears behind Ronan.] Cole: I wouldn't do that if I were you. (Ronan spins around to face Cole.) Ronan: What are you doing here? Cole: Protecting him from you. Ronan: I kept up my end of the bargain. You said I could have him. Cole: This isn't about you or about him for that matter, it's about me. Ronan: What difference does it make to you whether the Whitelighter lives or dies? Cole: I need him alive so he can heal the witch and their Whitelighter. Ronan: Heal them? You wanted me to help you kill them. Cole: Because I want them to come after me. You kill Sam, they'll come after you and I can't have that. Ronan: You didn't have any intention of letting me kill him did you? Cole: Walk away, Ronan. Ronan: Why? So you can shoot me in the back? Cole: You're smarter than I thought. (Ronan points his crossbow at Cole and before he can shoot, Cole throws an energy ball at him, vanquishing him.) Piper: Sam! (Cole hides behind a wall. Piper walks into the alley.) Sam! (She spots Sam.) Sam, wake up. (She goes over and shakes him. He wakes up.) Samuel: No, leave me alone. Piper: Listen to me, Paige and Leo need you. The Darklighter shot them, you need to heal them. (Piper helps him to his feet.) Samuel: I don't know. It's been so long. Piper: Well, there's no one else. You have to do it. Look, if you think you've screwed up in the past, now would be a good time to start making amends. [Cut to the manor. Conservatory. Paige is shaking. Phoebe covers her with a blanket.] Phoebe: He'll be here soon. He will, just hang on. (Sam orbs in with Piper. He sees Paige and rushes to her side. He holds his hands above Paige but nothing happens.) What's the problem? Samuel: I can't. Piper: What? Try again. Samuel: It's no use. This is my punishment. Piper: No, you will not sit there and drown in self pity while Paige and my husband die. Samuel: Don't you think I wanna save them? For god's sake, this is my daughter. Phoebe: You can't heal her because you gave up. Samuel: Everything I touch I hurt. All I wanted was a life for her free from magic and demons. Piper: No, it was not. Paige saved us. She is the reason I am still standing here, she brought this family back together. Phoebe: She has done so much good. All the pain and anger you've been hanging on for so many years, you've got to let it go. It's time to let it go. Samuel: Paige, I am so sorry. Paige: It's okay. (Paige touches Sam and a blue orbing light surrounds him. The light vanishes to reveal a clean, shaven Sam.) Samuel: What happened? Phoebe: I think you just healed yourself. Now Paige. (He holds his hands above Paige and heals her.) Paige: Thank you. Piper: Okay, thanks later. Leo now. (Sam walks over to Leo and and heals him. Leo sits up.) Leo: Piper, are you okay? The baby. Piper: Oh, she's fine. I don't think we have to worry about her at all. I'll explain later. Phoebe: I'm gonna go get started on those potions. We have a Cole to vanquish. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Manor. Attic. Piper, Phoebe and Paige stand around a table. Three different coloured potions sit on the table.] Piper: So you think this is gonna work? Paige: These are at least as strong as the one we used on the Source, so yeah, I think. Phoebe: But you can't be sure? Paige: I can't be sure of anything until I try it. Phoebe: That's not good enough. Piper: Phoebe. Phoebe: I want him dead. I want this over with. And if this doesn't work, we may not get a second chance. Piper: Got it, kill him, dead. Phoebe: Dead. Paige: I have a thought. (Paige carries the letter opener with Cole's blood on it to the centre of the room.) No other potion has been able to destroy this since Cole's blood has been protecting it but if these potions are as strong as I think they are, then a little will go a long way. (Paige fills three bottles with each of the different coloured potions. They each take one and stand near the letter opener.) Piper: On three? Paige: No. Me, then you, then Phoebe. (Paige throws her bottle of potion at the letter opener. It sizzles. Piper throws her bottle at the letter opener and it makes a small explosion. Phoebe throws her bottle and the letter opener makes a large explosion and leaves nothing but a hole in the rug.) Piper: Sure you wanna do this? Phoebe: How can you even ask me that question? [Scene: Cole's apartment. Cole is there writing a letter. He folds it up and places it in an envelope. The two Avatars appear in the room.] Avatar #1: If this doesn't work, you'll have nowhere else to turn. Cole: It'll work. Avatar #2: But what a waste. Especially when you could have so much more. Cole: I don't want anymore. Avatar #1: You're not even curious? (The Avatars disappear. Cole places the letter next to a photo of him and Phoebe. Piper, Phoebe and Paige orb in.) Phoebe: Stand up. I said stand up! (Cole takes off his wedding ring and places it on the table. He stands up and faces the girls.) Cole: Come to vanquish me, have you? Piper: Where's you hit man? Cole: Oh, you know those Darklighters, they're just so difficult to work with. Can't even kill a lousy Whitelighter, let alone you. Phoebe: But you could have. Paige: You b*st*rd. (Paige throws her potion at Cole's feet. Piper throws her potion at his feet.) Piper: Phoebe, come on. Phoebe: I know what you're doing. Paige: Phoebe, throw the potion. Phoebe: You never really wanted to kill us, did you? Paige: What are you talking about? Phoebe: He could've killed you back at the manor, he had you alone. But you needed all of us to survive for your plan to work, including Sam. Piper: Phoebe, have you lost your mind? Phoebe: No, you said it yourself. It wasn't a smart plan. Unless you didn't really wanted to kill us. You wanted us to be so blinded by hate that we couldn't see what you were really up to. Cole: Well, it's the only way out for me. And you want it too, so... Phoebe: Yeah, but on our terms, not yours. We won't help you commit suicide. Cole: You already have. (He telekinetically pulls the potion out of Phoebe's hand and it lands at his feet. It causes a massive explosion, sending the girls to the floor. The windows and doors smash. The girls get up.) Phoebe: Oh my god! (The smoke clears and Cole stands there, breathing heavily.) Paige: I don't understand, that should've worked. Piper: Why didn't it? Cole: They knew it wouldn't work. Phoebe: Who knew? What are you talking about? Cole: You can't vanquish me. Nobody can. [Scene: Manor. Living room. Paige and Sam are sitting on the couches.] Samuel: So, what are gonna do now? I mean, about Cole? Paige: I don't know, it's a little scary being that he's basically indestructible now. Samuel: Well, I'm sure you girls will handle it. Paige, I want you to know that giving you up was the hardest decision I ever had to make. Your mother too. If we could've done it over, we wouldn't have done it. But we weren't supposed to be together. A baby, we were afraid the Elders would find out. Paige: It's okay, I understand, I really, I do. Samuel: It still has to have hurt you. Paige: I used to think that you did not matter to me at all. If I never met you, my life would be perfectly fine. I guess, uh, the Elders knew better after all. When you gave me up, you made a choice that gave me the most amazing gift. See, I got to have these tremendous parents and we, we loved each other fiercely. And now I have this whole new life with my sisters. Samuel: What about everything that goes with it? Paige: I choose to be a witch. I could've walked away but I didn't. And now I'm a Whitelighter to boot. Samuel: That's my girl. [Cut to the kitchen. Piper and Phoebe are there. Phoebe is looking through the Boook of Shadows. Leo orbs in.] Piper: Any luck? Leo: That little Elf, got a big mouth. All the nannies cancelled their interviews. Piper: Oh, great. Well, if magical nannies won't work for us, then regular ones are out of the question. What are we gonna do? Leo: Well, it's a good thing we have a few months. Piper: Ugh. Leo: We'll figure it out. (Paige walks in.) Piper: Hey, how did it go? Paige: Good. Difficult but good. Leo: He's a good man, it'll be good for you guys to get to know each other. Paige: Yeah, I think I'm a little burnt out on the whole emotional roller coaster thing right now. Maybe I deserve a nice drive down the coast. I think I'll call Trevor. Piper: Oh, that guy, yeah, that guy you just dumped. Paige: Well, maybe I'll rethink that whole dumping perfectly nice guys before I give them a chance thing. I guess meeting Sam made me realise I kinda still have some abandonment issues I might wanna work through. (Phoebe puts her head down on the book.) Anything from you over there in the peanut gallery? Phoebe: I'm sorry, I'm just freaking out. Having an invincible ex-husband is making me really nervous. Paige: Well, the good thing is we've got someone invincible of our own. Piper: I got you covered. Phoebe: For now. [Scene: Cole's apartment. Cole walks out onto the balcony and takes a deep breath.]

When Cole realizes that he must eventually give in to evil, he attacks the Charmed Ones in the hope that they will vanquish him forever and end his suffering. Meanwhile, Paige gets her first charge as a Whitelighter and is shocked when the angry, self-pitying man she is supposed to protect turns out to be the father she never knew. Ultimately the sisters come up with a vanquish for Cole, but Phoebe realizes he is trying to commit suicide and does not want to complete it. Cole, now insane, uses the last potion on himself in an attempt at suicide, but despite a massive explosion that destroys his apartment, he is unscathed.

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Teleplay by: Steven Rosenhaus Story by: R. Lee Flemming, Jr. [Scene: The Hallway, Rachel walks up the stairs and knocks on Joey's door.] Rachel: Joey? Are you in there? [Cut to inside Monica and Chandler's, Monica, Chandler and Joey are eating breakfast.] Joey: (hearing Rachel and jumping up with his plate) Oh God! That's Rachel! Monica: Joey, you have to talk to her! Joey: No-no, I can't! I can't! Not after the other night, it's just it's...too weird, okay? Don't tell her I'm here! (Turns to run to the bathroom and his bagel falls off the plate onto the floor.) Don't eat that! (Runs to the bathroom as Rachel enters.) Rachel: Hey! Chandler: Hey! Monica: Hey Rachel! Rachel: Is Joey here? Chandler: I don't see him. (To Monica) Do you see him? Monica: I don't see him. Hey! Maybe he's in the sugar bowl! (Opens the sugar bowl) Joey? Nope! (Closes the sugar bowl and they both laugh.) Rachel: Well, at least you make each other laugh. Monica: What's up? Rachel: Well, I haven't seen him since that night that he told me how he y'know... I don't know, I think he's avoiding me. Why is that bagel on the floor? Monica: We were playing a game. Rachel: Ew, was Chandler naked? Sort of like a, like a ring toss kind of situation? Monica: Sure. Chandler: What?! No! No! Rachel: All right. Well listen, if you see Joey will you just tell him uh...tell him I miss him. (Exits and Joey enters.) Monica: (To Joey) Okay, did you hear that? Joey: Yeah, a naked bagel game? (Picks up his dropped bagel.) (To Chandler) Dude, I don't know. That's a pretty small hole. Monica: Honey, you gotta talk to her. Joey: I can't! Y'know? You guys don't know what it's like to put yourself out there like that and just get shot down. Chandler: (incredulous) I don't know what that's like?! Up until I was 25 I thought the only response to, "I love you," was, "Oh crap!" Monica: Hello? No rejection? I got shot down at fat camp! Boy, kids are mean when they're hungry. Joey: All right so, so what do I do? Monica: This is Rachel. I mean, what are you gonna do, never going to talk to her again? I mean I know it's weird, it's awkward, but you gotta at least try. Joey: Yeah. Okay. (Goes to take a bite out of the previously mentioned bagel.) Whoa! (Stops.) I almost forgot this was on your... Chandler: (interrupting him) We didn't play it!! Opening Credits [Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is holding a book as she, Rachel, and Monica drink some tea as Chandler looks on.] Phoebe: Okay, so when you're done with your tea I'll look at your leaves and tell you your fortune. Chandler: I didn't know you read tea leaves. Phoebe: Oh yeah, I've done it for years. I actually stopped because I was so accurate. Y'know, and-and y'know, one of the great joys of life is it's-it's wondrous unpredictability. Y'know? And also tea tends to give me the trots. Monica: Okay, I'm done. Read mine. Phoebe: Okay. (Looks at the leaves.) Ooh, I see a ladder. (Checks the book) Which can mean either a promotion or a violent death. Monica: (stunned) I-I'm the head chef. I-I can't get promoted. Phoebe: Uh-hmm. Uh-hmm, who's next? Rachel: Okay, I'm done. Do mine. Phoebe: Okay. (Reads the leaves) Umm, oh! Okay, I see a circle. Rachel: Ah. Phoebe: Oh! (Checking the book) Which can either mean you're having a baby or you're gonna make a scientific discovery! Rachel: Well, I have been spending a lot of time in the lab. Chandler: What does yours say Pheebs? Phoebe: Umm... Wow, all right. (Checks the book.) Wow! Yay! Ooh, I'm gonna meet a guy! And really soon! And he's gonna be the man of my dreams. Probably not the guy I had a dream about last night. (Points at Chandler.) Ross: (entering) Hey! Has anyone seen my shirt? It's a button down, like a, like a faded salmon? Monica: You mean your pink shirt? Ross: Faded salmon color. Monica: No, I-I haven't seen your pink shirt. Ross: Great! Great. Then I must've left it at Mona's. I knew it! Chandler: Well, I'm sure you get another one at Ann Taylor's. Ross: That's my favorite shirt! Okay? I love that shirt! Rachel: Well just ask Mona to give it back! Ross: I don't know. I mean I-I guess I could. It's just that we didn't really end things such good terms. And if I go over there I'd be ignoring the one thing she asked me to do when we broke up, jump up my own ass and die. (Walks away.) Phoebe: (noticing a guy sitting by the green post looking at her) Oh wait a second you guys...for the last couple weeks I've been that guy everywhere I go. We take the same bus. We go to the same bookstore, the same dry cleaners; maybe he's the tea guy. (He gets up to leave, and smiles at Phoebe.) Chandler: Phoebe, did you see that?! He totally checked you out! He is so cute! (Looking at his tea.) Mine has a picture of The Village People, what does that mean? (Joey enters.) Rachel: Hi! Joey: Hey. (He slowly walks to the other side of the couch and sits down at the table, an awkward silence follows.) Rachel: Hi. Joey: Hi. (More awkward silence.) Monica: Tea gives Phoebe the trots. [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Chandler is cooking as Rachel paces nervously.] Rachel: So I thought Joey and I would be okay once we hung out, but it's not even like we know how to be with each other anymore. Chandler: I know it's tough now, but things will get better. Rachel: How do you know that? What if it just gets worse and worse and worse, to the point where we can't even be in the same room with each other?! Chandler: I'm not great at the advice, can I interest you in a sarcastic comment? Some cheese? Monica: Honey, what is the Bruce Springsteen CD in the Kat Stevens case? Chandler: Let's just say if I can't find the right CD case I just put it in the nearest one. Monica: Okay, where is the Kat Stevens CD? Chandler: In the James Taylor case. Monica: Where is the James Taylor CD? Chandler: Honey, I'm gonna save you some time, 200 CDs, not one of them in the right case. Monica: Okay. No need to panic. Deep breathes everyone. Okay umm uh, we're just gonna have to spend some time and put the CDs in the right cases. Chandler: Well, if we're gonna do that we should come up with some kind of order. Y'know alphabetically or by genre? Monica: Hmm, I don't know. We really have to talk this through. Rachel: Oh my God!! You guys have such problems!! I feel so terrible for you! Monica: Okay, I-I'm sorry. You and Joey, your both focusing on this uncomfortable thing, what you need to do is to change the subject. Next time you see him try to get him talking about something else. Rachel: Oh yeah. That makes sense. Monica: Yeah, like I don't know, maybe you have a work problem that you need his advice on. Rachel: Ooh, I can do that. Monica: Good. (To Chandler) Uh honey, the Miami Vice soundtrack? Really? Chandler: They were just giving those away at the store (off Monica's look) in exchange for money. Joey: (entering) Hey! Rachel: Hi. Monica: Uh I really don't know what to tell you Rach, I really don't. I mean, maybe Joey can help you out with your, with your big work problem. Rachel: What? Monica: Yeah Joey she's...Rachel's got this really big work problem, and it is a head scratcher. Wow! (To Chandler) Y'know what, if we're gonna make dinner we're gonna have to leave. Yeah. (She and Chandler exit.) Joey: So you uh, have a...big work problem? Rachel: Yeah it's umm... Yeah it's uh... It-it's y'know-It's nothing. Joey: Huh. Okay. (Awkward silence.) So uh, I think I'm gonna take off. Rachel: Yeah-No wait! Joey no wait it is. It's something. It's-it's umm...it's my boss. Joey: Yeah? Rachel: Yeah, and umm my baby. Joey: Yeah? Rachel: My boss wants to buy my baby! Joey: What?! Oh my-oh my God! Rachel: I know I told you, it's a really big problem. Joey: What he wants to buy your baby?! Rachel: Can you believe that?! Joey: That's crazy! Rachel: That's what I told him! Joey: Okay, how did this even happen? Rachel: Well I'll tell ya! (Pause) See uh my-my boss and his wife-They-they can't have children. So umm, and that-we were at the Christmas party, and he got drunk, and he said to me, "Rachel, I want to buy your baby." Joey: Man! When you said it was a problem about your boss and the baby I figured it was something about maternity leave. Rachel: Ohh! Yeah! (Pause) Yeah that-that would've been a much simpler problem. [Scene: A newsstand, Phoebe is looking at a magazine as the guy from before walks by and picks up a newspaper.] Phoebe: Oh hello. Guy: Oh, it's you. I see you everywhere. I'm Jim, Jim Nelson. Phoebe: Oh Jim, Jim Nelson I'm Phoebe, Phoebe Buffay. We certainly have been seeing a lot of each other lately. Jim: We have. Maybe we'll be seeing each other at dinner tomorrow night, say around 8 o'clock? Phoebe: Well, maybe we will. (Starts to walk away.) Oh! (She turns around and the exchange information.) [Scene: Outside Mona's Apartment, Ross is knocking on the door.] Ross: Mona? (There's no answer, so he starts to leave but remembers where her extra key is. He reaches atop a hall light just outside her door and grabs the key. He looks at in triumph as the pain from it being hot moves along his nervous system to his brain, and when it arrives his brain orders his hand to drop the hot key and his mouth to squeal in pain. After dropping the key he pulls his shirtsleeve over his hand and uses the key to open the door and enter Mona's apartment.) Okay, if I were a salmon shirt, where would I be? (He hears a key in the door and as it opens he dives behind the couch.) Mona: (entering, with her date) I am so sorry I spilled wine all over your shirt. Mona's Date: Oh, it's okay. Mona: No, it's still wet. Y'know what? Let me get it out before it sets. Ooh, I have something you can wear. Here. (Hands him Ross's shirt.) Mona's Date: Oh umm, I-I don't know if I want to wear a woman's shirt. Mona: No-no that's a man's shirt. Mona's Date: It's awfully pink. (Ross mouths, "It's salmon!") [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica and Chandler are sorting their CDs.] Chandler: Oh my God, honey we are so meant to be together. We both have copies of the Annie soundtrack. Monica: Honey, both yours. Rachel: (entering) Hey! Great advice on that Joey thing! Monica: Yeah? The work problem? Rachel: Oh it was perfect! I mean it really felt like he was my friend again. Chandler: What problem did you tell him you had? Rachel: Oh that's not important. The point is, I really-I think everything's gonna be okay. [Scene: Mr. Zelner's Office, he's in a meeting as Joey bursts in.] Mr. Zelner: May I help you? Joey: Do you think you can just buy my friends baby?! [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: A restaurant, Phoebe and Jim are on their date.] Phoebe: Isn't it funny how we kept running into each other? It's as if someone really wants us to be together. Jim: Someone does. Me. Phoebe: Oh, witty banter. Well done. Jim: So, tell me a little bit about yourself. Phoebe: Oh okay, well I'm a masseuse, and I used to work at this place... Jim: Do you like to party? Phoebe: I-I-I like, I like parties. Jim: You're wild, aren't ya? Phoebe: Yeah I guess, a little. Jim: It ain't no thing, I'm wild too. Phoebe: (a little freaked out) So! Umm, anyway I-I lived in New York, someone wildly I guess, for umm-Well since I was fourteen. Jim: I'm sorry. I'm staring. It's just that you have the most beautiful eyes. Phoebe: Oh stop it. Jim: And your breasts! Hmm!!! Phoebe: Okay. Umm look, you're coming on a little strong. But I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt, because it seems the universe really wants to be together. So, why don't we just start over okay? And you can just tell me about yourself. Jim: All right. Phoebe: Okay. Jim: I write erotic novels, for children. Phoebe: What?! Jim: They're wildly unpopular. Phoebe: Oh my God! Jim: Oh also, you might be interested to know that I have a Ph.D. Phoebe: Wow! You do? Jim: Yeah, (looks at his crotch) a Pretty Huge... Phoebe: All right. (Gets up and walks out.) [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica, Chandler, and now Rachel are organizing CDs.] Chandler: (singing) The sun'll come out...tomorrow! Bet...your bottom dollar that tomorrow... (The girls start laughing, and in a deep voice) ...there'll be sun. Joey: (entering) Hey! Rachel: Hey! Oh Joey, honey listen, thank you for talking to my yesterday about that thing with my boss. That really meant a lot. Joey: Not a problem. Oh, and just so you know, that guy's not going to be bothering you about that baby thing anymore. Rachel: (worried) What? Joey: Let's just say I took care of it. Rachel: Whoa-whoa-whoa, let's say more! Joey: Don't worry! Don't worry. I just told him, very nicely, "You don't go buying people's babies, so back off!!" Rachel: What?! Chandler and Monica: What?! Rachel: No! No, no-no-no Joey he doesn't want to buy my baby! I made that up! Joey: What?! Why?! Rachel: So that we would have something to talk about! So it wouldn't be awkward! Joey: And you couldn't think of anything else?! Monica: You said your boss wants to buy your baby?! Rachel: (To Joey) I can't believe that you yelled at my boss! I'm-I'm gonna lose my job! What am I going to do?! Chandler: You can always sell your baby. Rachel: Oh Joey, I can't believe you brought my boss into this! I'm gonna get fired! Joey: You lied to me! Rachel: Well, she told me too! (Points to Monica and Joey glares at her.) Monica: Chandler has two copies of Annie! [Scene: Mona's Apartment, she and her date are making out as Ross flips through a magazine while lying behind the couch and sees something that he likes. Meanwhile, Mona's date takes off Ross's shirt and Mona throws it on the floor. While they start making out again, Ross tries to pull the rug the shirt is on over to him, but while he does that he moves the coffee table and it bumps into the couch.] Mona: (seeing Ross) Oh my God! Ross!!! Ross: Hello!! Mona: Ross, what are you doing?! Ross: Not touching myself if that makes anyone less uncomfortable. [Scene: Mr. Zelner's Office, Rachel is knocking on the door.] Rachel: Morning. You wanted to see me? Mr. Zelner: Please, come in. Have a seat. (She does so.) Rachel: Okay look Mr. Zelner... Mr. Zelner: Oh I think it's best that I speak first. Rachel: Yeah. (Motions for him to continue.) Mr. Zelner: I've asked Lee from human resources to be here as a witness to our conversation. Rachel: Oh God. Mr. Zelner: If I in any way implied that I wanted to buy your baby...I am sorry. Okay? Last week when I asked you when your due date was uh, I certainly did not mean that I felt that I was due your baby. Yeah, I want to be very clear that I understand that its your baby, and it is not mine to purchase. Rachel: Well, as long as we are clear about that. (Exits smugly.) [Scene: A Street, Phoebe and Monica are walking down it.] Phoebe: Oh there it is. Monica: That's not your regular dry cleaners. Phoebe: I know, but that creep that I went on that date with goes to there so I have to find a new one. I also have to find a new video store, a new bank, a new adult bookstore, a new grocery store... Monica: What?! Phoebe: A new grocery store. The universe said I was going to meet a nice guy and that's what they gave me? (Looks up) When I get up there I'm going to kick some ass. Monica: Don't worry Phoebe, you're gonna meet someone. If I can meet a great guy, so can you. Phoebe: Yeah, we both can. And we both will. (They enter the dry cleaners.) Phoebe: Oh, you didn't have to come in with me. Monica: Are you kidding? This is where they get out stains! Okay? This is like Disneyland for me. I'm-I'm gonna be over here watching the dance of the clean shirts. (She points to and walks over to the electric clothes rack they have.) Phoebe: Okay. (A guy enters that looks suspiciously like Alec Baldwin from The Hunt for Red October, Pearl Harbor, and Beetlejuice.) Guy: (To Phoebe) Oh, excuse me! I think you dropped s...(looks at Phoebe.) Wow! Phoebe: What? Guy: I'm sorry, it's just that you're so incredibly beautiful. Phoebe: Oh yeah well, I'm sorry about that too, but what are you going to do? Guy: I hope you don't think I'm crazy but I feel like I was meant to pick this up, do you believe in that kind of thing? Phoebe: A little. (She turns around and looks up.) (To the universe) Now you're talking. Guy: Would you like to go out and have a cup of coffee? Phoebe: I-I-I'd love to. Let me just tell my friend. Monica: (to the clerk) Ooh, an ink stain! Hey, can I watch how you get this out? Phoebe: (looking around) She must've left. [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Chandler is watching Joey pace nervously as Rachel enters.] Rachel: Hi. Joey: So? What-what-what happened? Rachel: It's all gonna be okay. They're just so happy that I'm not suing them that they gave me one extra month paid maternity leave. So long as I understand that the money should not construed as a down payment on this or any other child I should bear. Chandler: Wow, Ralph Lauren is really going out of there way to show they're not in the baby buying business. Rachel: Chandler, can you give us a minute? Chandler: Oh I'm sorry, you're kicking me out of my own living room? Rachel: Yeah. Chandler: I'll be in there. (Goes into the bedroom.) Rachel: Joey, I'm really sorry that I lied to you. I was just trying to make things... Joey: I know. I know. Rachel: It kinda worked. I mean y'know, I don't know about you buy I haven't thought about our thing since all this. Joey: Hey you're right. Yeah, it's kinda been like us again a little bit. Rachel: Yeah I know! I miss that. Joey: Me too. I mean I...haven't thought at all about how I put myself out there and said all that stuff and how you didn't feel the same way about me and-and how it was really awkward. (Awkward silence.) Rachel: My gynecologist tried to kill me. Closing Credits [Scene: Ross and Rachel's, Ross is ordering something over the phone from a catalog.] Ross: (on phone) Item J437-A, color: winterberry. (There's a knock on the door as he hangs up the phone. He answers it to Mona.) Hi umm, listen come here, come in. (She does so.) I'm so-so sorry about yesterday. I-I'm really sorry. It's just that I... (He picks up the pink shirt.) Mona: (interrupting him) Listen Ross, you don't have to apologize. I understand why you were there. Ross: You do? Mona: Yeah, you still have feelings for me. And-and to be honest, I-I still have feelings for you. And I wish that we can work it out Ross, but we can't. It's too complicated with you and Rachel and the baby, I-I just... It just wasn't meant to be. Ross: (faking starting to cry) Oh God you're right. Mona: Ross, we...we have to be strong. Okay, I-I'm gonna go. (She picks up the shirt Ross has just set down.) Can I? To remember you? Ross: (laughs) No. (Takes the shirt back.)

Phoebe determines through tea leaves that she will soon meet the man of her dreams. This leads to a disastrous date with a disturbing man, then a pleasant meeting with a charming one at the dry cleaners. Rachel invents a crazy work problem to reduce the awkwardness of hanging out with Joey since his confession about his feelings for her. Ross tries to retrieve his 'faded salmon' shirt from Mona's apartment.

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DOCTOR WHO The Sontaran Experiment PART 1 5:30pm - 5:55pm [SCENE_BREAK] 1: EXT. EARTH- EMPTY FIELD (MATTERBEAM GLOBE AREA) HARRY: Ah! Doctor! DOCTOR: Are you staying, coming, or going? Or going or staying or coming? HARRY: I feel a bit like a Morse message. Slightly scrambled. DOCTOR: Yes, well, now, let's get on with it. DOCTOR: These must be the refractors. Now then... HARRY: Oh, Doctor... DOCTOR: Mmm... yes? HARRY: I can see you're busy but, er... what about Sarah? DOCTOR: Oh, yes. Sarah... SARAH: Help! DOCTOR: Oh, dear. That sounds like Sarah. SARAH: Help me! Ouch! DOCTOR: Mm... it's not only oscillating, it's ellipsing as well... you'd better give her a hand, old chap. Harry... HARRY: Right-oh. DOCTOR: Yes, I see the problem. Focus has gone a bit funny... HARRY: Okay, old thing? SARAH: Harry, I am not a thing. HARRY: Doctor says it's the refractors. SARAH: Is it? Ouch... HARRY: I say, not hurt are you? SARAH: Only in the... in my... ouch... dignity. DOCTOR: Ah, Sarah! You're looking well. DOCTOR: Look, ahem... this is going to take some time to do the whole lot. DOCTOR: So why don't you make the most of it? SARAH: Make the most of what? DOCTOR: I mean, it's a glorious day. Beautiful unspoilt countryside... no one has set foot here for thousands of years! SARAH: What you're trying to say is that you're busy and you'd like us to push off. DOCTOR: Pithily put. I would phrase it more elegantly myself of course, but yes. HARRY: Might as well have a recce while we're here. Coming old... coming, Sarah? DOCTOR: Enjoy yourselves! DOCTOR: Trafalgar Square should be that way! SARAH: Trafalgar Square? DOCTOR: If this is Piccadilly... SARAH: You're joking, aren't you? DOCTOR: Mind the traffic! [SCENE_BREAK] 2: EXT. ANOTHER AREA OF THE FIELD [SCENE_BREAK] 3: EXT. THIRD AREA OF HEATH SARAH: Trafalgar Square, my foot. Not a pigeon in sight! HARRY: Don't suppose many of our feathered friends survived. There's not much in the way of life, is there? SARAH: It's rather creepy. Doesn't seem like Earth at all. HARRY: Oh, I don't know... it's nice and tidy, anyway. No lolly sticks. SARAH: It's not what I expected. HARRY: Well, it'll all change when they get down from Nerva. The animal and botanic section is packed with stuff. SARAH: What was that? HARRY: What? SARAH: Shh! Listen! HARRY: I can't hear anything! SARAH: Over there! HARRY: Come on, Sarah. You're imagining things. HARRY: Sarah, there has been no life on Earth - not of any size... for ten thousand years! SARAH: We don't know that, do we? There could be anything here! HARRY: Such as what? SARAH: Mutations.. creatures... I don't know... HARRY: Oh, come on! [SCENE_BREAK] 4: EXT. GLOBE AREA ERAK: Keep him covered, Zake. I'll get the others. [SCENE_BREAK] 5: EXT. MARSH AREA HARRY: Hey, Sarah. Come and have a look at this... SARAH: Harry! Are you alright? Harry! [SCENE_BREAK] 6: EXT. CAMP SITE ERAK: Krans! Krans! I've seen a guy... some stranger! KRANS: What? ERAK: Zake's watching him! He's down by that circle. I thought maybe Vural ought to know... KRANS: No, no, no. He's out looking for grub. Down by the circle, hey? ERAK: Yeah. Could be something to do with this mess, hey? KRANS: We'll soon find out! [SCENE_BREAK] 7: EXT. BOTTOM OF THE PIT HARRY: No bones broken, I don't think. HARRY: All the same, I'm, stuck, aren't I? SARAH: Harry... Harry, there's something wrong here! The edge of this hole has been covered! HARRY: Of course it has. That's how I fell down it! Oh, I see what you mean. Deliberate trap, hey? SARAH: I'll go and get the Doctor. HARRY: Alright... I'll wait here then. [SCENE_BREAK] 8: EXT. HEATH [SCENE_BREAK] 9: EXT. GLOBE CIRCLE [SCENE_BREAK] 10: EXT. HEATH [SCENE_BREAK] 11: EXT. HEATH WALK AREA [SCENE_BREAK] 12: EXT. GLOBE CIRCLE DOCTOR: Harry! [SCENE_BREAK] 13: EXT. HEATH WALK AREA DOCTOR: Broken neck... KRANS: Hold it! DOCTOR: Is he a friend of yours? ERAK: He's killed Zake! DOCTOR: No, I... [SCENE_BREAK] 14: EXT. GLOBE AREA SARAH: Doctor? [SCENE_BREAK] 15: EXT. BOTTOM OF THE PIT HARRY: Sarah? HARRY: Hello? Hey! Who's there? HARRY: Hey! Now, look here... [SCENE_BREAK] 16: EXT. GLOBE AREA SARAH: Doctor! [SCENE_BREAK] 17: EXT. PIT AREA SARAH: Harry... Harry, I can't find him. SARAH: Oh... Harry? [SCENE_BREAK] 18: EXT. MARSHLAND [SCENE_BREAK] 19: EXT. THE CAMP SITE ERAK: How long before the dope wears off? KRANS: He's coming round now... KRANS: Cut him loose, Erak. Leave his hands tied. KRANS: Alright. Now talk! DOCTOR: Certainly. What would you like me to talk about? KRANS: What have you done with our crewmates? [SCENE_BREAK] 20: EXT. PIT AREA [SCENE_BREAK] 21: EXT. RUINS [SCENE_BREAK] 22: EXT. PIT AREA SARAH: What on Earth...? ROTH: Shush! ROTH: Who are you? Where are you from? SARAH: Funny, that's what I was going to ask you. OK, my name's Sarah. What's yours? ROTH: Sarah... SARAH: What's you name? ROTH: Roth. SARAH: Do you live here, Roth? No, those are space clothes, aren't they? ROTH: I covered this, understand? To catch the machine! SARAH: Tell me about the machine. Why are you so frightened of it? ROTH: The machines serves him. Captures my crewmates. SARAH: Serves who? ROTH: The thing in the rocks. I'll not get caught. Not again! SARAH: What thing in the rocks? ROTH: The alien, in the rocks. The machines catches us and takes us for torture. I got away, see? SARAH: Those are burns, aren't they? Did the alien do that? Is that what you're saying? ROTH: He killed Heeth and Splier. I got away! SARAH: I think I'm beginning to. Look, take me to where the rocks are. ROTH: No, no! SARAH: Roth, you've got to help me! I came here with two friends and they've both vanished, understand? ROTH: I saw them. SARAH: Then it was you following us? ROTH: One of your friends is with Vural? SARAH: Vural? ROTH: He was in the circle. I saw them take him. SARAH: Then you know where the Doctor is! [SCENE_BREAK] 23: EXT. THE CAMP SITE DOCTOR: I told you, I just got here. ERAK: How? We've seen no ship. DOCTOR: I didn't use one. I came by transmat beam. VURAL: That's a lie! DOCTOR: That's the truth. And who are you? VURAL: Vural. I am the leader of this party. VURAL: Where did you find him? ERAK: First saw him creeping about the circle. DOCTOR: Not creeping. I was repairing the... KRANS: Shut up! KRANS: By the time we caught up with him, he was bent over Zake. KRANS: Killed him. DOCTOR: I did not kill him! I heard a cry and found him lying in a gully with his neck broken. An accident, I assume. VURAL: You say you came here by transmat beam? DOCTOR: That's right. VURAL: There's no transmat beam on this planet. The Earth's been junked. DOCTOR: Temporarily abandoned, perhaps. But not junked. Oh, no. VURAL: It's worn out, useless. Too far from the freighter routes. Nobody comes here so there's no transmat beam. Check? ERAK: Check. VURAL: So you better start telling the truth or you'll find things getting a little rough. DOCTOR: I'm sorry to keep contradicting you, but there is a transmat beam from Space Station Nerva. KRANS: From where? DOCTOR: Space Station Nerva. ERAK: Is he crazy? KRANS: A joker. VURAL: You don't expect us to believe that! DOCTOR: Nerva. Transmat beam. Earth. It's as simple as that. Why don't you believe me? VURAL: Because Nerva doesn't exist, that's why. There's no such place. DOCTOR: Fascinating. You don't believe it exists and yet you've obviously heard of it. KRANS: Everybody's heard of the Lost Colony. DOCTOR: Lost Colony? You mean it's become a legend like Lost Atlantis? ERAK: Like what? DOCTOR: Lost Atlantis. It's a legendary city... oh, never mind. This is extremely interesting. Are you going to cut me loose? VURAL: We're going to get the truth out of you first. KRANS: Too right. DOCTOR: Very colonial. You are from a colony, I take it? VURAL: GalSec. DOCTOR: Of course, on Nerva, they know that various colony ships left Earth. They'll be delighted to hear that they're not the sole survivors of the human race. You are human? KRANS: What do you mean? ERAK: Course we are! DOCTOR: Oh, no offense. No offense. DOCTOR: Do you mind if I take a close look at that? [SCENE_BREAK] 24: EXT. RUINS DOCTOR: (filter) Do you mind if I take a close look at that? DOCTOR: Id' say it's not a product of human technology, eh, Vural? VURAL: You're a freak! [SCENE_BREAK] 25: EXT. RUINS- STAIRCASE TOP [SCENE_BREAK] 26: EXT. MARSH [SCENE_BREAK] 27: EXT. ENCAMPMENT ERAK: I say get rid of him now and save ourselves the trouble later. VURAL: Krans? KRANS: If he landed by ship we'd have heard. Maybe he did come by transmat beam. ERAK: From Nerva? KRANS: Maybe. VURAL: I remember the old story. Back in the days of the Expansion, a bunch of survival sleepers went to Space Station Nerva to wait for the planet to cool down again. ERAK: So the planet's cooled down and they've never come back. And Nerva has never been found, it's just a story. VURAL: Yeah. I reckon if it ever existed, it got burnt up in the sunbursts. KRANS: You know what makes me half believe him? The fact that it's such a crazy story. ERAK: You mean that if he was lying, he'd think of something better? KRANS: Check. ERAK: Never. KRANS: I'll question him again. VURAL: No. I'll handle this. [SCENE_BREAK] 28: EXT. MARSH ROTH: Shh! It's just a way down here! SARAH: Well, what are we waiting for? ROTH: No, no... SARAH: Roth, if you were in Vural's crew, why are you so frightened of him? ROTH: He's been to the rocks, I saw, I saw. SARAH: What do you mean, you saw? ROTH: The alien let him go. Vural's hooked! [SCENE_BREAK] 29: EXT. CAMP SITE VURAL: How long have they been in deep freeze on Nerva? DOCTOR: Oh... ten thousand years? VURAL: And you woke up before the others? DOCTOR: Well, no. I'm a sort of travelling, time expert. As you can see, Earth has been habitable for several thousand years. But they didn't wake up. Why? Clock stopped. Overslept. So here I am. VURAL: Clock expert... DOCTOR: Horologist, actually. And chronometrist. Just love clock. Atomic, quartz, grandfather... ERAK: He's still lying. VURAL: Shut up, Erak. DOCTOR: Cuckoo clock... VURAL: You got any proof! DOCTOR: Well, no, I didn't expect to meet anyone. I was told Earth was uninhabited. KRANS: That's what we thought. Until we got a distress call from around here. DOCTOR: A mayday? Then you're a military expedition, I take it? VURAL: One of our GalSec freighters went missing. We picked up a distress call and came down for a look, see? Soon as we left, the ship was vapourised. Nine of us were stuck here. DOCTOR: Nine? Where are the rest? VURAL: Vanished. ERAK: And we reckon that circle of yours has got something to do with it! DOCTOR: Rubbish! That's simply the reception point for the transmat beam from Nerva. ERAK: Let's kill him now and get it over with. VURAL: No! DOCTOR: That's wild talk, Erak. Far from killing me, you should treat me as an honoured guest. KRANS: Why? DOCTOR: You don't want to be stuck here forever, do you? VURAL: Go on. DOCTOR: I might consider helping you. VURAL: How do you reckon to help us? DOCTOR: Simple. I finish refocusing the matter beam and we all pop up to Nerva. You get in touch with your headquarters and they send a ship for you. VURAL: Listen. If you are one of the Old People, then we're not raking orders from your lot. While you were dozing away, our people kept going. And they made it. We've got bases across the galaxy now. You've done nothing for ten thousand years while we've built an Empire. Understand? DOCTOR: Oh, absolutely. VURAL: We're not taking any of that Mother Earth rubbish! KRANS: Hey, look! It's Roth! ERAK: Hey, Rothy! KRANS: Roth! It's Rothy! ERAK: Rothy! DOCTOR: Good girl, Sarah. Who's your fast friend? SARAH: Explain later. Come on. VURAL: Roth! Roth! ERAK: It's no good, Krans. He's bunked. KRANS: I saw him... plain as daylight. VURAL: Why'd he run like that? Why'd he run from us? ERAK: He must have gone bush. VURAL: Hey! ERAK: That freak! He got away! VURAL: Get your guns! [SCENE_BREAK] 30: EXT. MARSH SARAH: Doctor, the pit is this way! DOCTOR: I've lost my sonic screwdriver. I feel completely lost without it. SARAH: I've found your sonic screwdriver! Doctor- the pit! DOCTOR: What would I do without you? [SCENE_BREAK] 31: EXT. CAMP SITE VURAL: Erak? ERAK: Nothing. VURAL: Keep your eyes peeled. They can't have gone far. [SCENE_BREAK] 32: EXT. PIT AREA DOCTOR: He couldn't have climbed out? SARAH: Not without help. DOCTOR: This machine you told me about. Could that have lifted him... SARAH: No. He'd already gone by the time the machine came. DOCTOR: Excuse me... DOCTOR: Terrullian drive. SARAH: What? DOCTOR: The machine. That's very interesting because there's no terrullian to be found in this galaxy. ROTH: Yeah, alien. Alien, understand? DOCTOR: Yes, don't you worry about it old chap. DOCTOR: He's half demented with shock. SARAH: He's been tortured. Badly, by the look of it. He's terrified of everyone now, even his own crewmates. DOCTOR: Yes, I can't say I blame him for being wary of his old friend Vural, at any rate. You know, this is absolutely typical of Harry! How anyone in their proper mind could fall down a whacking great subsidence like... that's it! SARAH: What is? DOCTOR: Subsidence! A sewer or something. Maybe the Central Line! SARAH: I'm not with you! DOCTOR: There must be a way out from the bottom. Hang on, Sarah. I'll just go down and take a look. SARAH: Be careful, Doctor. If you break a leg or something, we'll never get you out. SARAH: Doctor, Doctor! ROTH: No! No, no, no! [SCENE_BREAK] 33: EXT. RUINS [SCENE_BREAK] 34: EXT. SPACECRAFT AREA [SCENE_BREAK] 35: EXT. PIT AREA DOCTOR: Sarah! Roth! Sarah! Sarah, are you there? [SCENE_BREAK] 36: EXT. SPACECRAFT AREA STYRE: Ah! SARAH: Linx! STYRE: Ah.. the female of the species! (CUT TO THE CLOSING CREDITS)

The Doctor, Sarah and Harry teleports to Earth to ensure the planet is safe for the survivors on-board Nerva Beacon to return to Earth and re-inhabit their world. Only to find a Sontaran named Styre has captured a group of humans and conducting experiments on them to discover the human body's weaknesses, as part of the Sontaran's goal for domination of the galaxy.

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Marshall, Lily, Robin, Barney and Ted read letters. Marshall: It's crazy that Metro News One sends you this letter now. Robin: Yes, I went for 4 months. Lily: You got more fans than I thought. Ted: And only 60% of them are prisoners. Robin: These guys think what? I am far from my phase "dating a prisoner." It's like: "Hi, I am over 19 years." Barney: The daughter of the lottery is there. Robin: I'm sorry for these women. This is where careers go to die on TV. Barney: Look. It's funny. I invented a little game Presenter: The lotto numbers tonight are... 19... Barney: Your age on arrival in New York after a photographer you have "discovered" to be published in Vogue. Presenter: 53... Barney: The number of nude photos that he has done before you realize he had no connection to Vogue. Presenter: 22... Barney: The age that you say you have. Presenter: 31... Barney: Your real age. Presenter: 45... Barney: The number of minutes for me to put in a taxi, get undressed and into my Jacuzzi. Presenter: And the super bowl tonight is... Barney: What happens after that is out of the jacuzzi. Great? GENERIC Ted (2030): Children in the winter of 2009, Robin was unemployed for months. But there was a glimmer of hope. Robin joined the others at McClaren's. Robin: Hi. Lily: How was the audition? Robin: I went very confident. I knew it was just me against two other girls. Barney: I listening. Flashback Robin is in a waiting room, sitting between two women. Robin: Hello. Woman 1: Hello. Robin: Robin Scherbatsky. And you are? Woman 1: You have obviously never been to Denver.Rochelle Harper, News Center 12. It was just the first string for the Rockies... 5 years on. Robin: I was a presenter here for Metro News One. Rochelle: Presenter. You must have a mirror finish. Robin: Sorry? Woman 2: You must have a mirror finish. Like Walker Cronkite: "And that's how it is." Rochelle: What is yours? Robin: I always ended up with a simple "all of us at Metro News One, have a great evening." End flashback Barney: Mine: "From all of us in Barney's apartment, get out." Lily: You do not let these bitches destabilize you, right? Flashback Robin this information. Robin:... and the president's economic team hopes to have a proposal before Congress by the end of the month. All of us at News 10, have a great evening. So, good night, New York.And that the road ahead is illuminated in dreams and tomorrows. Which are lit with dreams... also. End flashback Ted: It's terrible. And bad... also. Robin: It's not over. Flashback Robin: Arise, New York. Trust. Recycle. Exit covered. End flashback Marshall: Leave covered? Robin: I will not be a presenter at Channel 10, right? Barney: It just fell. They are back to the apartment to read the letters. Ted: The problem may be your CV. Have you seen like mine is ventilated? Yours is too busy. Robin: As if everything on your resume is so important?"Program Director, Radio Wesleyan University"? Marshall: My God. Lily: Dr. X? You always talk to Dr. X? Robin: Who is Dr. X? Ted: No one knows. It was a mysterious and awesome DJ. Marshall: It was Ted. Ted: His identity is still secret. Lily: It was Ted. Ted: But this phantom waves changed the face of the campus radio. Marshall: It was Ted. Lily: The show was zero. Flashback In 1998, Marshall and Lily listen to the radio. Radio: Here Dr. X, bullets of truth from an undisclosed location. For if I knew where they would silence me. Marshall: You're the 3rd floor of the home student next to the playroom, dork. Radio: I received lots of letters for my story on the menus of racist school. Lily: How do you receive mail if someone knows where you are, moron? Radio: This is why I organize an event to the self, Monday at midnight. It is time that leaders of the canteen remove ignorance and injustice menus. (Someone from the person of the radio) Ted, we are missing a player. What are you doing here, anyway? Dude, get out of here! I'll be right. Remember, self, Monday, midnight. Another event Dr. X. I'll be there, because X leaves its mark... End flashback Marshall: If you think people liked your show, it's wrong... Barney: Bizarre. Look at what is mixed with your fan mail. Robin: What? Barney: It comes from the Ministry of Immigration. Robin: The postmark date of two months. My God. Lily: What has he? Robin: My work permit. If I can not find a job in the coming...seven days, they will refer me to Canada. Barney: I can not believe you that turns the country. Robin: I know. My whole life is here. Ted: No. We will not let them. One of us will help you find. Lily: Yes, I'm sure I can find you something at school. Marshall: No, guys... it does not work like that. Robin will have its license if it works in his field. You could stay if you got married to a U.S. citizen. Yes, it might work. No. The procedure to formalize it would take too much time. It will not work. Robin: I'm screwed. I send my demo for 3 months and nothing. Ted: Maybe there is something in it that people do not like.We'll watch it, OK? Ted puts the tape. Robin: Good question, Norm. For the first, I was an intern for Channel 22 in Red Deer. Alberta. In Canada. The snow falls hard enough, but these intrepid fishermen are still happy to contribute to the gathering of bass fishing Lake Athabasca, a tradition of 1 August To you, Norm. What? It was my first job. It shows where I come from. Barney: Unless a bear attacks you in 3 seconds with your legs and you break his neck, it has nothing to do in your demo. Marshall: No, no, I understand. Your origins are part of what you sell. Moreover, in 'Special jurisdiction' on my resume, I put that in Minnesota, I was dunk champion Nicollet County in 1995. Ted: You've put champion dunk in your CV? Marshall: Yes, why not? Many companies have a basketball team. They like that TonnerreVanille can still crash into the net. Robin: We called you TonnerreVanille? Marshall: Yeah, TonnerreVanille. The ghost of snowshoes.The gate man. I was not very good in defense. Ted: You can dunk more. Marshall: Bine sure if. Finally, I could... until there is little. Lily: Until the injury. Flashback Lily and Marshall are at the doctor. Doctor: It's tendonitis of the iliopsoas. Lily: Wow, it's scary. Doctor: More commonly known as the dancer's hip. Lily and the doctor laugh. Marshall: Go! Iliopsoas tendinitis. This is the name. This is the only name. End flashback Marshall: iliopsoas tendinitis. It's a basketball injury. Finally, nothing incredible. Lily: The dancer's hip, Marshall's ax dancer. Marshall: OK, no. They call it like that because it is very common among ballet dancers. Robin: Tell me, other girls in your class have the dancer's hip? Marshall: Sure. Ted: I have a technical question. Is it easier to dance when you do not have external genitalia? Marshall: Well, go ahead, feel free to me. Lily: Come on, guys. It did not hurt while dancing. Marshall: Thank you, Lily. Lily: Obviously, the stirrups were too far apart during his last visit to the gynecologist. Barney: Folks, sorry to stop you before Marshall falls into tears, but Robin, check it out. What you need is a super video resume. Like mine. I present to you: Barneysvideocv.com.(The video starts with an explosion) Hello. Barney Stinson, you have achieved great successes in business, sport and personal relationships, and have been an inspiration to many people. Ted: Is that you? You INTERVIEWED yourself? Barney: How could that be me? He is an Englishman. What would you recommend to your many admirers who want to reach the peak of their potential? Ted: And a little Scottish. Barney: The first thing to know about success is that it will not come to you. Most people associate success with money and power, but in fact it is a mindset. Ted: You were supposed to be on a motorcycle to say that? Barney: And when it comes to success, the only limit is that there is no limit. Marshall: You know you stand next to a horse. Impressive. Lily: Barney, I do not understand. You doing anything in these clips. Barney: Exactly. Because that's what the world wants to work.People who seem to take risks, but never do anything. In fact, you do things will turn. I write a book about this phenomenon. Marshall: Really? Barney: No, it would be... You listen? All my life I have dared to go beyond the possible. Until the impossible? In fact, beyond that... where the possible and the impossible meet to become... the possimpossible. Lily: The possimpossible? Oh yeah? Barney: Inventing your own word shows creativity and vision..."Visia-ness." If I can leave you with one thought, is this one: nothing... and all... is possimpossible. (Several assembly passes with a song) This guy is awesome. Ted: It's you again...? You sing a song about you? Barney: Absolutely not. It would be stupid. Stinson, Barney Stinson singing this song, it would be really stupid. One of the fans who think this guy is awesome. Perfect and available.Great, Great, Great, Great, Great, Great... Great, great. Barney Stinson, committed. This jewel has earned me 11 jobs. Ted: Impossible. Lily: Barney, it was ridiculous and foolish. Marshall: insensate-ule. Robin: Make me one. Lily: What? Barney: Now, we talk about it. Robin: What? I will be deported. I would try anything. Barney: OK, we should get started. I have much to shoot, I can not use the tapes I have of you. Robin: Bands on me? Barney: Let's start. Lily and Marshall are both at the bar. Lily: Honey. You're always sorry for the joke of the dancer?They joked. We all know that this is a basketball injury. Marshall: Yes, absolutely. I have something to say. Lily: What? Marshall: I dance more than you think. Lily: What? Marshall: I dance... more than you think. Lily: I do not know how to answer that. Barney did his apartment a TV studio, where Robin is presenter. Barney: What does it mean to be a reporter for you? Robin: Since I was little... Barney: Cut! You're mired in details. We need you to be vague, at ease with buzzwords like "synergy" and "dynamism". You can invent a word, as... "Relationality." Robin: How does make me feel stupid commit somewhere? Barney: All right. Do not do it. There are many exciting stories to cover in Canada. I just read it, the nephew of the mayor of Winnipeg went fishing on the ice and took a pole of 7 Kg Live from the worst place in the world, I'm Robin Scherbatsky. Robin: Rotate the camera. Connectitude. Barney: I like it. Robin: Transformatation. Barney: Come on! Robin: relationality. Barney: relationality, this is mine. [SCENE_BREAK] At the bar... Lily: How many dances are we talking about? Marshall: I know. I think... I would say... average. Lily: Why do you dance much, and I do not know why? Marshall: I do that when I'm alone. When something good happens, and I'm excited and move, and I... I dunno, I want to talk about it. Lily: You hurt the hip like that? Flashback Marshall is at work. Man: You're aware of? They give us half a day. One can start at 14h. Marshall: Super! Thank you, Herm. Marshall enters his office and dance. Then screams. End flashback Barney, Robin returns to the living room dressed in a kimono. Robin: These clothes are ridiculous. In addition, the armor of the amazon princess itch. Barney: Showdown. You're not the first to wear it here. But it expresses the power. And that, too. Now, I need you break these 15 bricks with your forehead. Robin: What? But you do anything in your video. You were right next to a horse and sitting on a motorcycle. Barney: I am a man. You're a woman. Assume that you can do nothing. You must prove that society is wrong. Robin: I can not break 15 bricks with my forehead. Barney: There is more in 1950. Yes, you can. Robin: I'm off. Barney: Why? Robin: It will not help me find a job. I'm going to evict. I know what to do. (Robin enters an office) This is where the auditions for the daughter of lottery? Ted (2030): So your Aunt Robin had hit bottom. She auditioned to be the daughter of lottery. Robin: And the lotto numbers for tonight are... Man 1: Wait... Say the text before pressing the button. Male 2: It creates suspense. Man 1: It creates suspense. Robin: And the lotto numbers for tonight are... 17... Man 2: Stop it. Man 1: Wait. Man 2: Why she says like that? It's as if she did not care so that the 17. She looks nasty. Man 1: Yes, she looks super wicked. You can repeat "17" for us? Robin: 17. Man 2: I even understand what it does. Man 1: Let me try something. Try to be a little disillusioned. Robin: Disillusioned? On the 17th? Man 1: Disillusioned with a small... Man 2: crackling. Man 1:... sparkle. Robin: 17. Man 1: It was great! Lily, Ted and Marshall are in McClaren's. Ted: I've taken a light beer. I know the dancers count calories. Marshall: It's not funny. The doctor said if it gets worse, I should have surgery. Ted: As a vaginal rejuvenation? Marshall: You know who has not made a lot of vaginas in college? Ted: Who? Marshall: Dr. X. Ted: It was perfect! Lily: You know what? The two geniuses are going to remove that crap on their CV. You're not Dr. X, and you can not do the dunk. Forget. Ted: Marshall and I are the only ones here with sh1t on our resume? Lily: What are you insinuating? Marshall: I know! Does July 4, 1995 does remind you of anything? Lily: A species of b*st*rd. Flashback In 1995, Lily enters a contest. Referee: End! And the new champion with 29 hot dogs, Lily "The Belly" Aldrin. End flashback Ted: What it's related to your job as mistress? Lily: It teaches kids... I can eat a lot of hot dogs very quickly. Marshall: Yes, but you can not! Lily: You can dunk over, hip cardboard! Marshall: How dare you? These hips can... Ted: Guys! Robin arrives. Robin: I have not even been taken as the daughter of lottery. I must leave Canada. At the apartment... Lily: I think so. Robin: I remember the night before. They made me a farewell party. They gave me a camera to take pictures and send them home. Everyone was sure I will have much success. You will really miss. Barney enters the apartment. Barney: What's the matter? Ted: Robin must leave Canada. Barney: Oh, my God. It's horrible. It'll be along to commute. Robin: What do you mean? Barney: I've finished your video resume myself. I posted it to all channels of the city. A guy called from Channel 8. He adores you. He wants you to pass an audition. Robin: My God! Barney: I said no. Robin Scherbatsky do not audition. He is given the job or anything. Robin: So, I have the job. Barney: No. He cursed me and hung up. But after Channel 12, called. They'll love it too. They offer you to host their new talk show in the morning. Robin: It's amazing! Barney: I sent them sh1t. Robin: Dude! Barney: They want you even more. So they increased their offer by 10%. Congratulations. Looks like you'll have to stay. Lily: You're not going to dance? Marshall: It's OK. Later. Robin: How did you do that? Barney: I am the master of possimpossible. Robin: Yes. Thank you. Ted (2030): So, thanks to your uncle Barney, it was possible to keep your Aunt Robin. And the others decided it was time to drop some things. Finally, except Lily. At the bar, Lily tries to beat his record. Marshall: That one is good. And... end! What is the total? Ted: 33! Flashback 1998, Monday at midnight... A man holding a sign stating hidden "menu = Racism". Ted: Why nobody comes to my events?

When Robin realizes that she only has four days to get a job or she will be deported back to Canada, she agrees to let Barney produce a video resume for her.

fd_The_Vampire_Diaries_02x03

fd_The_Vampire_Diaries_02x03_0

[Salvatore's house] (Alaric arrives at the Salvatore's house) Stefan: Thanks for coming, Rick Damon: I got you something to drink? Coffee, bourbon? Bourbon into coffee? Alaric: Elena mentioned you needed my help Stefan: Yeah, we were hoping you could help sheet some light on the Lockwood family (At the Lockwood mansion we see Tyler observing at Mason. Mason is going outside the house, he's going to run) Alaric: Now, why would I know anything about the Lockwood's? Damon: Why you wouldn't? But your dead not dead vampire wife might Elena: Isobel's research from when you guys were at Duke together Stefan: You said that she has spent years researching this town Alaric: Isobel's research here in Mystic Falls rounded in folklores and legends but at the time I thought much of which was fiction Damon: Like that amazing vampire story Elena: Aside from vampires, what else Alaric: The lycanthrope Elena: Wait, like werewolves? Damon: No way, impossible, way too launchy Stefan: Is it? Damon: I've been on this planet one hundred and sixty some on years, never came across one. If werewolves exist, where the hell are they? (We see Mason running in the woods. Tyler is following him. Mason goes into ruins) Alaric: Why do you suspect the Lockwood's? Damon: Because vervein didn't affect the mayor at founder's day but the Gilbert device did and it affected his son Tyler Stefan: And at the school carnival his uncle Mason exhibited inhuman behavior when he fell into the carnival's worker (In the woods we see Mason going out from the ruins. Tyler watches him and goes in the ruins) Stefan: It suggest it's some sort of a supernatural entity Elena: We were hoping that Isobel's research could help us figure it out what it is Alaric: Well, all her things are still at Duke. I mean her office is still there, she's technically still missing Damon: So can we get access to it? (Tyler is in the ruins. He's under the earth) Damon: Rick, we don't know what we are dealing with. If this wolf men thing is true, we have seen enough movies to know it's not good. It means Mason Lockwood is a real life Lon Chaney and that Tyler punk may just very well be Lon Chaney junior which means Bella Lugosi, meaning me, is totally screwed [Caroline's house] (Matt is knocking at her door. Caroline is in the house but she can answer because of the sunlight) Matt: Caroline! (He calls her on her phone but she doesn't answer neither so he leaves a message) Matt: Hey, I thought you said you were home. Hey, Tyler is doing this whole thing at swimming hall and I want us to spend the day together. Where are you? Call me (He hangs up and leaves) [Gilbert's house] (Elena is packing for the trip to Duke. Stefan is with her) Stefan: Are you sure you want to do this? Elena: Which part? Digging through my birth mother life work or going to Duke with Damon? Stefan: Either, both Elena: Well, I'm not sure about the first part but then again Rick is a good buffer so I can bond in our anti Damon solidarity. I wish you were coming though Stefan: You know what? Maybe we should wait a couple days uh? Wait until Caroline is less of a danger and then I could go with you Elena: It's okay that I'm going, right? And be honest because if it's not then I can just stay here and we could take care of Caroline Stefan: Listen, I want you do go okay? I do. You have questions about your lineage and about Katherine and... look I'm not gonna let the fact that Damon is going keep you from an opportunity to get some answers Elena: You hate it though Stefan: I hate it but I love you Elena: love you too (She kisses him) (Jenna and Alaric are talking and waiting for Elena) Jenna: It's been a while Alaric: Well, the school has been keeping me busy Jenna: I want you to know it means a lot to me that Elena has a connection to her mother. I appreciate you bring her along today Alaric: Yeah, I figured it was time to take care of my wife's things you know. Look Jenna, I know things between you and I have been a little start and stop and I'm sorry for that but maybe once I can... Jenna: Uh...no, don't do that. Not the half maybe apology hope for the future thing (Damon is honking) Jenna: Elena?! Are you coming? (She looks at Alaric) Jenna: Do what you need to do okay? (Stefan and Elena are going down the stairs) Elena: Hey, are you okay? Jenna: Yeah, it's man and their baggage (They go outside. Damon is waiting at the car) Damon: Sorry you can't go too, Steph Stefan: Call me if you need anything Damon: Oh, I'll take really good care of her (Elena catches Stefan by the neck and kisses him in front of Damon) Damon: Okay, time to go (He goes into the car, Elena too) [Lockwood's mansion] (Tyler is talking with his mother) Tyler: Have you ever been down to those old ruins in the woods? Carol: The old Lockwood estate? Tyler: Yeah. What do you know about it? Carol: It was the original plantation house. Beautiful architecture and if it hadn't burn to the ground we'd probably living in it Tyler: What's the deal with the freaky underground cellar? Carol: We don't talk about those kinds of rooms Tyler: Why not? Carol: Well, this is the South, honey, but no one likes to reminisce about the old slave days (Mason enters the room) Mason: Hey. What you guys are talking about? Tyler: We were just talking about the old Lockwood property. Taking some friends over the swim hole Carol: Well, be careful. If anything happens on the property the family is liable Tyler: Off course [Mystic Grill] (Stefan and Bonnie are sitting at a table) Bonnie: I don't know how to make a day-walking ring Stefan: Emily made mine, she made Damon's too, instructions must be in the grimoire Bonnie: That doesn't mean I can cuss the spell Stefan: Bonnie, you know how to drop vampires with a single look, okay? I think you can figure it out Bonnie: Caroline killed someone, Stefan. I can't make it easier for her to do it again Stefan: No, we're not making it easier for her; we're just giving her the chance to survive. Listen, every day that she's cut off from her old life: from you, from Elena, from Matt, it'll make It that much harder for her to hold on to her humanity Bonnie: And how do you know she won't hurt anyone else? Stefan: I don't but if we don't do everything we can to help her or at least trust the fact that she can keep it together, we must just stake her right now Bonnie: I don't know if I can trust her, not with this Stefan: Then trust me [Alaric's car] (Damon, Elena and Alaric are in the car, going to Duke. Damon looks at Elena) Damon: How are you doing back there? You know, this all pretending to hate me thing is getting a little silly Alaric: I don't think she's pretending. You did kill her brother Damon: There is a huge asterisk next to that statement: he came back to life Elena: Yeah, thanks to a ring you didn't know he was wearing Damon: Why are you so sure I didn't know? Elena: Did you? Damon: Yes Elena: You're lying Damon: Elena, I saw the ring! It's a big tacky thing, it's hard to miss [Caroline's house] (Bonnie, Caroline and Stefan are in Caroline's bedroom. Bonnie has Emily's grimoire in her hands. Caroline has the ring in her hands) Caroline: So, I don't get to choose the ring I have to wear the rest of my life? Bonnie: Hey, if you don't want it... Stefan: No, no, she wants it Caroline: Now what? Bonnie: Now is the part where I explain the rules. The witch who spells the ring has the power to dispel it so if you ever do anything to hurt anyone... Caroline: I'm not gonna hurt anyone Bonnie: You are a vampire that mean that urge to kill is a part of who you are. The minute you let it take over, I will stop you Caroline: Bonnie, you're supposed to be my friend Bonnie: I can't ignore what happened okay? If you want to be friends, you have to prove that the Caroline I remember isn't gone. Now put the ring on the bed (Caroline puts the ring on the bed) Caroline: Do you really think I meant to kill that guy at the carnival? Bonnie: He's still dead. Now, do you want me to cuss the spell or not? (Bonnie opens a little bit the curtain. The sun is going on the ring. Bonnie looks at the ring and closes her eyes a moment and finally opens them) Bonnie: All done (She gives the ring to Caroline. She takes the ring and puts it on her finger) Caroline: So that's it? I mean nothing witchy happened. You know, no flickering lights, no gust of wind. Have you ever done this before? Stefan: Caroline... Caroline: I just want to make sure that worked (Bonnie opens the curtain) Bonnie: It worked Caroline: What if it hadn't Bonnie ?! (Bonnie looks at Stefan) Bonnie: She's all yours (She takes the grimoire and leaves) [Duke University] (Alaric, Elena and Damon arrive at Duke) Alaric: So Isobel was officially employed by the anthropology department given that most paranormal phenomenon has rounded in folklore (They arrive at an office) Alaric: Excuse me, hi. I'm Alaric Saltzman, I called earlier Vanessa: Yes, of course. I'm Vanessa Monroe, research assistant compare to folklore (She looks strangely at Elena) Vanessa: Uh, let me just grab Isobel's keys Alaric: These are my friends Elena and Damon. I hope this isn't too much of an imposition Vanessa: Oh please, Isobel's office is right through there. Isobel's was one of my first professors. I'm a grad student, she was brilliant and one of the reasons I went to folklore. Uh I have to ask, has it been any news? Alaric: No, I'm afraid not Vanessa: It's this way (She opens Isobel's office door, they follow her and enter the room) Vanessa: I'll grab the light, feel free to look around. It's fascinating isn't it? (She leaves. Alaric, Damon and Elena are looking everywhere) Damon: Where did she go? (Vanessa comes back with a crossbow and shot an arrow on Elena but Damon puts himself in front of Elena to protect her. He receives the arrow on his back. Alaric catches her and pushes her against the wall) (Elena is removing the arrow from Damon's back) Damon: Put it out. I can't reach it Elena. Just put the damn thing out. It hurts (She removes the arrow) Damon: That bitch is dead Elena: You're not gonna kill her Damon: Watch me Elena: You touch her and I swear I will never speak to you again Damon: What makes you think that has any power over me? Because I took an arrow in the back for you? You're so overestimating yourself Elena: Right. I forgot that I was speaking to a psychotic mind who snaps and kills people impulsively. Fine, go ahead, do whatever you want Damon: you're trying to manipulate me Elena: If by "manipulate" you mean "tell the truth" okay, guilty (She looks at him and leaves) (Alaric is with Vanessa) Vanessa: Please! I freaked out okay? Alright, you would have done the same thing, it's not possible! Katherine Pierce can't be alive and Damon Salvatore died in 1864. Okay, I read Isobel's research Alaric: Well, you should know just how possible this is (Elena and Damon arrive) Elena: I'm Elena Gilbert, Isobel's daughter and a descendant of Katherine Pierce. And this is Damon Salvatore who you just shot Damon: I'd be extra nice to me right now Elena: Look, we need your help okay? We need to see all of Isobel's research, anything related to Mystic Falls [Mystic Falls' woods] (Caroline and Stefan are in the woods, hunting) Caroline: So what I do when I see the rabbit? Stefan: Chase it, catch it, feed on it Caroline: Isn't killing cute defenseless animals the first step of becoming a serial killer? Stefan: Well, you sort of skipped the serial killer and went straight to vampire. Caroline, if you're not serious about all of this I think you should tell me Caroline: No I am. Look, I swear that I am okay? But it's just... I haven't been in the sun for days and everyone is at the swimming hole having fun and Matt is there! And he finally told me that he loved me but I have been blowing him off and now you want me to eat bunnies and I'm kind of freaking out okay?! (Stefan is laughing) Caroline: And now you're laughing at me Stefan: No, no, I'm not laughing. None of this is funny, trust me. It's just that... Caroline: What?! Stefan: When someone becomes a vampire, all of their natural behaviors get sort of amplified Caroline: What do you mean? Stefan: I mean... as a human I cared deeply for people, how they felt. If they were hurting I felt their pain and I felt guilty if I was the one who caused it and as a vampire all of that got... magnified Caroline: So you're saying that now I'm basically an insecure, neurotic control freak... on crack? Stefan: Well, I wouldn't say it like that but... hey, listen, let's hunt okay? And then after that we'll go to the swimming hole Caroline: Really? Stefan: Yeah. Matt is the closest connection that you have to your humanity and I think that being around him is a good thing Caroline: Okay [Duke University] (Vanessa is bringing a box to Elena) Vanessa: This box checks Katherine's arrival to Mystic Falls in April 1864 Elena: Is that all there is about her? Vanessa: All that I'm aware of (There is vervein in the box. Elena looks at Damon and gives some of it to Vanessa) Elena: Here, take this (They are whispering. Damon is in the other room, looking for information) Vanessa: Does vervein really work? Damon: Nope, not at all Vanessa: Can he hear us? Damon: No, that would be creepy Vanessa: Can he read minds too? Damon: You know, if you want to see me naked, all you have to do is ask Elena: No, that he can't do. He is very capable of being a first grade jackass (Vanessa puts the vervein in her pocket; Damon smiles) [Mystic Falls] (Everyone is at the swimming hole) Tyler: Is it me or did Amy Bradley's ass get hot Matt: All class Tyler: Where is Forbes? Matt: I wish I knew Tyler: You guys are in the outs already? Matt: No. We're fine. I'm fine. I'm just not sure what she is (Mason arrives with is 4X4) Matt: What's your uncle doing here? (Tyler rejoins him at the car) Tyler: You're busting us or you're joining us? Mason: Neither. Hoping you can make sure everyone is out of here by dark Tyler: What happens after dark? Mason: Someone ends up wasted and dead at the bottom of the lake (Tyler laugh) Mason: You heard your mom. The family is liable if anything happens Tyler: Don't be a party killer Mason: Hey, I didn't say you had to stop partying, I just said you had to take it elsewhere Tyler: Alright, we'll be out of here (Mason leaves, he passes next to Stefan and Caroline. He looks at Stefan and Stefan looks at him) Caroline: Why are you looking at him with this serious vampire look? Stefan: My what? My "vampire serious look"? Caroline: Hum hum. I mean it's different from your worried vampire look, neither of which straight too far from your "hey-it's-Tuesday" look Stefan: I get it, okay. You think I'm... you think I'm too serious Caroline: I mean I was not gonna say it like that but... (Matt is alone, Amy Bradley rejoins him) Matt: Hey Amy Aimee: You know, you're missing all the fun in the water (He shows her his cast) Matt: No waterproof Aimee: Too bad. So, there's the full moon tonight. We're gonna light a fire later and tells ghost stories Matt: Uh, I don't know (Caroline arrives) Caroline: Matt Matt: What the hell? I've been calling you Caroline: know, I got held up but I'm here now (She looks at Amy) Aimee: Hi Caroline (Caroline compels her) Caroline: Go find somebody single to stuck, Amy (Amy leaves) Matt: Seriously? Caroline: She was flirting with you Matt: She's harmless; you don't have to be rude Caroline: You're mad? Matt: You've been dodging my calls all day and you get to show up here and be the jealous girlfriend? It' kind of lame, Care (He looks at her and leaves. Stefan arrives) Stefan: Hey, I saw that. You compelled her Caroline: Yeah, she deserved it Stefan: Caroline, nobody deserve to have their mind mess for shallow reasons Caroline: You know, why is everyone sticking for Amy freaking Bradley? Stefan: you're letting the jealousy to get the best of you Caroline: Oh, so now I have magnified jealousy issues too. It's great Stefan: I told you this wasn't gonna be easy Caroline: Yeah, well, I would have to stay dead. My entire personality is killing me (He smiles) Caroline: Shut up [SCENE_BREAK] [Duke University] (Elena, Damon and Alaric are still in Isobel's office, looking for information) Damon: Any luck? Elena: There's nothing in here about Katherine that we don't already know Damon: Ah, you know, it's a bummer we're not friends anymore because I could tell you what I know Elena: Now who's manipulating who? Alaric: Hey guys, check this out Vanessa: There's no record of werewolf mythology in Mystic Falls but here are some records of some the lesser known legends. Everything from Scandinavian skin walkers to Aztecs legends. (She gives them a book with drawings) Vanessa: It's translate into the "curse of the sun and the moon" Alaric: It's Native American Vanessa: Aztecs. It explains one origin of the werewolf curse traced through Virginia. The short story: 600 years ago, the Aztecs were played by werewolves and vampires. They terrorized the countryside, made farming and hunting impossible until an Aztec shaman cursed them, making vampires slaves to the sun and werewolves servants of the moon. As a result, vampires could only prowl at night and werewolves could only turn on a full moon. When the full moon is crossing the sky, who's ever unlucky enough to fall into the werewolves curse turns into a wolf. Damon: Can they control the transformation? Vanessa: If it were a choice, it wouldn't be called a curse. Werewolves will attack humans but instinct and centuries of rivalry have hardware them to hunt their prey's choice: vampires Damon: Well, if werewolves were hunting vampires, I would know about it Vanessa: Not if they aren't many werewolves left alive. Hundreds of years ago vampires hunted them almost to extinction Elena: Why would they do that? Vanessa: To protect themselves. According to the legend, a werewolf bite is fatal to the vampires [Mystic Falls] (It's night. Everybody is leaving the swimming hole because Tyler asked them to. Matt is alone. Stefan and Caroline are looking at him) Caroline: He's mad at me Stefan: Go talk to him. I'll wait (Stefan's phone is ringing. He answer it: it's Elena) Stefan: Hey Elena: Hi. Listen we've learn some stuff here and I know it's gonna sound crazy but I want you to know Stefan: What's up? (Caroline rejoins Matt) Caroline: Still mad? Matt: I thought we had passed all this insecurity stuff, Caroline. I told you how I felt about you, what more do you need? Caroline: Nothing. Nothing. I don't need anything else. I'm sorry Matt, I'm so sorry. I'm so, so, so, so, so sorry. Matt: I'm not kidding. I'm not gonna put up with the drama Caroline: No, no more drama. Just... I promise (She kisses him) Matt: Come on (They leave. Stefan is still on the phone with Elena) Elena: I don't know what that means nor if we should believe it but it's the full moon Stefan. After what you saw Mason Lockwood do Stefan: I'll be careful Elena: There's one more thing Stefan: What is it? Elena: According to the legend, a werewolf bite can kill a vampire (Stefan looks everywhere. He doesn't see Caroline or Matt) Stefan: Listen, I got to go. I'll see you when you get home okay? Elena: Okay (He hangs up and calls Caroline but she forgot her phone in her bag, in Matt's car. He goes in the woods) (Mason is chaining up himself into the Lockwood's old estate ruins but Aimee and Tyler arrive so he's forced to leave) Tyler: Not much further Aimee Aimee: Really Tyler? You drove me all the way out here? Tyler: I had to move the party so I'm moving the party Aimee: Where are we going? Tyler: It's right around this tree Aimee: Are you sure? Tyler: Oh yeah, come on Aimee: What is this place? Tyler: It's a ruin buried underneath my family's old estate. No one would know we're down here Aimee: Is everyone else coming? Tyler: Yeah, unless you rather tell them not to Aimee: You're single right? Tyler: Oh yeah Aimee: Let's go (Mason is running through the woods and tries to chaining up himself against a tree. He looks at the moon and begins to scream. He runs toward his car and enters it, screaming. He closes the door. The car is moving a lot, he screams after that we hear something growling in the car) [Duke University] (Elena is looking in a box and finds a picture of Katherine) Elena: Hey, have you done any research on doppelgangers? Vanessa: Well, the world means a lot of different things to different cultures but typically a doppelganger is a living, breathing double of oneself Elena: Did Isobel have anything that explains the link between me and Katherine? Vanessa: That's all she had on Katherine, unfortunately but I can tell you that doppelgangers usually torment the people they look like, trying to undue their lives. It's not exactly uplifting Elena: And more things we already know. Just... I want to know why we look alike Damon: Head scratcher isn't it? Elena: Do you know something or are you just being yourself? Damon: Well, if I know anything, I'm not gonna tell you with that attitude Elena: That's good, Damon and this is coming from someone who wants to be my friend but you know what? Friends don't manipulate friends, they help each other [The Lockwood's old estate ruins] (Tyler and Aimee are kissing) Aimee: Wait, wait. No, I'm sorry Tyler: What's the deal? Come on Aimee: No, no, no. Wait, wait, wait, I can't. I'm not into it Tyler: Then why did you come with me? Aimee: I don't know but I'm not even sure I was flirting with you. I like Matt Tyler: Ouch. Um... okay Aimee: 'm gonna go Tyler: Yeah Aimee: Sorry (She leaves) (Stefan is in the woods, looking for Caroline when he hears an animal growling. He sees Mason's cars and goes toward it. He sees chains on the floor and looks into the car and sees yellow eyes. A wolf jumps through the window, falls on him and leaves.) [Duke University] (Alaric and Vanessa are outside) Alaric: I trust you're not gonna say anything about this to anyone Vanessa: Or else Damon will kill me in my sleep? He gave me the form but if you need anything, you can call Alaric: Hopefully I won't have to Vanessa: But if you do... Alaric: Listen, you don't want to get caught up in this. Really, it'll take over and will keep from being able to live your life Vanessa: Isobel's disappearance... is it related to her research? Alaric: Isobel became her research. She wanted to become a vampire and she got her wish Vanessa: I guess that would put a strain on the marriage Alaric: Anyway, I was wondering what it would be to come back here. It's... it's okay, it's really okay. It feels good to have her in my past. You know, it' time to move behind this (Elena is at the car. She can't open the car but Damon arrives and opens it) Damon: You're not gonna be able to hate me forever Elena: Can we just go? (He gives her a book) Damon: You didn't dig deep enough (She looks at the book and reads what's written on it) Elena: "Petrova". I saw it on the shelf Damon: Katherine originally came from Europe. Petrova was her real name. Katarina Petrova, to be exact Elena: How did you know that? Damon: Back when, I saw it graved on an old heirloom. Men snoop too, you know. Let me know what you find, I'm very curious myself (She tries to go in the car but he stops her) Damon: You have every right to hate me, I understand but you hated me before and we became friends. It would suck if that was gone forever. So, is it? Have I lost you forever? Elena: Thank you for the book, Damon (She goes into the car) [Mystic Falls' woods] (Caroline and Matt are in the woods, talking) Matt: This looks like the spot Caroline: For what? (They kiss. They hear an animal) Matt: Did you hear that? (She looks at him at kisses him. She pushes her against a tree and kisses him again but Matt hurts himself and bleed. She sucks the blood) Matt: Caroline? What are you doing? Ah! Caroline! Caroline! (Her face has changed; she stops and looks at him) Matt: Caroline! Your face! (She bites him on the neck and drinks his blood but Stefan arrives and takes her away from Matt) Stefan: Stop it! Stop! Stop! Stop! (Her face is normal again but Matt faints and fall) Caroline: Oh my god Stefan: No, no, stop. Listen to me. We need to get out of these woods now. We need to leave Caroline: What was that? Stefan: Matt, stay down. Do not move (They hear noise all around them) Stefan: You and me we're gonna run. It's going to follow us; we need to get it away from Matt. You need to run as far as you can. Do you understand me? Go, go! (They run and arrive to old ruins but Caroline stops) Caroline: Wait! What is it?! Stefan: It's a werewolf! He will try to kill us and he can! (Tyler arrives) Tyler: Hey! What are you two doing? Stefan: What are you doing? (The werewolf rushes into Caroline. She falls on the floor, the werewolf is on her. Stefan rushes on the werewolf with is powers and pushes him.) Tyler: No! (The werewolf looks at him and leaves) (Caroline is compelling Matt) Caroline: You're not going to remember what I did to you or what you saw me become Matt: We were just making out in the woods Caroline: And then an animal attacked you and bite your neck Matt: It's weird; he just came out of nowhere (She looks at him and rejoins Stefan) Caroline: What are we gonna do about Tyler? Stefan: I took care of it and I will get Matt on vervein, it'll keep you from being able to compel him and also to keep you from drinking his blood Caroline: I can believe I hurt him Stefan: I know Caroline: He is the one person on this entire planet that I never wanted to hurt Stefan: It's not going to get any easier. You just have to work that much harder Caroline: I shouldn't be with him, should i? Because if there is any danger... Stefan: I'm the last person to make that kind of decision for you. If I had follow my own advice, I would walked away from Elena a long time ago Caroline: Have you ever think you should have? Stefan: I know I should have, I just can't (Tyler is in the woods. He looks at Mason's car and Mason arrives) Mason: You can pass me those? (He passes him a bag) Tyler: It was you (Mason says yes with his head) [Mystic Grill] (Matt is alone at a table, Aimee arrives and talks with him. Caroline looks at them and rejoins them) Caroline: Seriously Aimee? Aimee: We were just talking Caroline: Oh, that's how you call it? Aimee: Yeah Matt: Are you kidding me? Caroline: No, I'm not Matt. She's into you and anyone can see it Aimee: Look, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to... I'm just gonna go (She leaves) Matt: What are you doing? Caroline: This isn't my fault Matt, okay? She's after you and I shouldn't have to put up with that Matt: I thought you said no more drama? Caroline: Well, I lied Matt: Just forget it, just forget all of it Caroline: So what, are you like breaking up with me? Matt: Yeah. Yeah, I guess that's what I'm doing (He looks at her and leaves) [Gilbert's house] (Jenna is in the kitchen; Alaric arrives) Jenna: Rick, I wasn't expecting you and Elena so later (He looks at her and kisses her) Alaric: I should have done that this morning (He kisses her again) (Elena and Damon are at the porch) Damon: Road trips work well for us Elena: That doesn't mean that things are back to the way they used to be, Damon Damon: Oh come on! You know I chipped a little bit off your wall of hatred Elena: I need to know the truth. When you broke Jeremy's neck, did you that he was wearing the ring? Damon: No. No, I didn't. Katherine really pissed me off and I snapped and... I got lucky with the ring. I don't know what I would done of he wasn't wearing it. Elena, I'm sorry Elena: Thank you for being honest with me and the answer to your question, about our friendship is yes. You have lost me forever Damon: You knew that already, didn't you? You used me today Elena: You had information about Katherine that I needed to know Damon: I thought friends don't manipulate friends. You and Katherine have a lot more in common than just your looks (He looks at her and leaves) [Caroline's house] (Caroline is in her bed. She wakes up, Katherine is here) Caroline: Elena? Katherine: Nope, try again Caroline: Katherine (Katherine sits down on her bed; Caroline goes away from her) Katherine: Don't be frightened. We're going to have so much fun together

Elena, Damon, and Alaric head to Isobel's old office at Duke University, where it is revealed that vampires and werewolves used to roam freely until a shaman uttered a curse to limit their powers, after which the werewolves were servants of the moon and vampires became the slaves of the sun. Stefan teaches Caroline how to control herself and hunt animals. Bonnie makes Caroline a daylight ring so that she will not be burned by the sun. In werewolf form, Mason encounters Stefan and Caroline. Tyler saves them by shouting at the werewolf; he later finds Mason in the woods and realises what has happened. Unable to control herself, Caroline feeds on Matt. She compels him to forget it, but ends their relationship to keep him safe from her. Damon tells Elena Katherine's real name, Katerina Petrova, to aid Elena with her research. Alaric reaffirms his romantic interest in Jenna, and Caroline finds Katherine in her bedroom.

fd_Doctor_Who_1963_02x09

fd_Doctor_Who_1963_02x09_0

THE DALEK INVASION OF EARTH 6:00pm - 6:25pm [SCENE_BREAK] 1: INT. CAPSULE CONTROL (With a beeping signal, the newly joined capsule runs along the rail and out of the room.) [SCENE_BREAK] 2: INT. DALEK CONTROL ROOM BLACK DALEK: As soon as the capsule is in position over the fissure, release it... [SCENE_BREAK] 3: EXT. CLIFFSIDE (The capsule comes out of the capsule control and onto a platform on the cliffside.) [SCENE_BREAK] 4: INT. CAPSULE (Inside the capsule, IAN is frantically try to adjust its workings...) [SCENE_BREAK] 5: EXT. CLIFFSIDE (The capsule halts over a transparent tube running down the cliffside and into the fissure ready to begin its journey...) [SCENE_BREAK] 6: INT. CAPSULE (IAN joins several of the wires within the capsule together in a desperate act of sabotage.) [SCENE_BREAK] 7: EXT. CLIFFSIDE (The capsule starts to slide down the fissure tube, past a watching DALEK outside the sub station below capsule control, and on its journey to the depths of the Earth.) [SCENE_BREAK] 8: INT. CAPSULE (IAN pulls several wires out of their sockets. He notices that the capsule movement has stopped.) [SCENE_BREAK] 9: EXT. CLIFFSIDE (Indeed, the capsule is stuck half way down the fissure tube.) [SCENE_BREAK] 10: INT. CAPSULE (His escape not yet achieved, IAN continues to pulls wires out and join them together in an effort to fuse the controls.) [SCENE_BREAK] 11: INT. CAPSULE CONTROL (Several ROBOMEN pull a rope connected to the capsule to raise it back to the control area. They chant in unison...) ROBOMEN: Pull...pull...pu! [SCENE_BREAK] 12: EXT. CLIFFSIDE (In response, the capsule starts edging back up the tube.) [SCENE_BREAK] 13: INT. CAPSULE (IAN'S efforts finally succeed. A trapdoor opens at his feet.) [SCENE_BREAK] 14: EXT. CLIFFSIDE (The capsule nears the top of the fissure tube.) [SCENE_BREAK] 15: INT. CAPSULE CONTROL (The ROBOMEN continue their task...) ROBOMEN: Pull...pull...pull...! [SCENE_BREAK] 16: EXT. CLIFFSIDE (The capsule reaches the sub station.) [SCENE_BREAK] 17: INT. CAPSULE (IAN has managed to use a piece of cable inside the capsule as a makeshift rope hanging down through the trapdoor. He tests its strength and starts to descend out of the bottom of the capsule...) [SCENE_BREAK] 18: INT. DALEK CONTROL ROOM (A report reaches control. The BLACK DALEK glides to and fro in frustration.) DALEK: (OOV: over tannoy.) Capsule now arrived at sub station. BLACK DALEK: Ascertain extent of breakdown and then... DALEK: (OOV: over tannoy.) Man has been seen leaving capsule! BLACK DALEK: Exterminate him! Exterminate him! Exterminate him! [SCENE_BREAK] 19: INT. CAPSULE CONTROL (IAN hangs out of the capsule. He starts to climb down the cable. A DALEK appears.) DALEK: Stay where you are! (It fires at the cable. It burns through and snaps in two.) [SCENE_BREAK] 20: EXT. CLIFFSIDE (IAN plummets down the fissure tube...) [SCENE_BREAK] 21: INT. BASE OF FISSURE TUBE (...and reaches the base of the tube at a small round safe-type door in the rock. He is knocked unconscious.) [SCENE_BREAK] 22: INT. CORRIDOR OUTSIDE CONTROL ROOM (BARBARA and JENNY are with their escort DALEK outside the control room.) JENNY: We must be getting near their control room, Barbara. What do you want me to do? FIRST DALEK: Move. (They walk forward.) BARBARA: Try to find the main control panel. Do as much damage as you can. I'll try and keep them occupied. (They reach the door to the control room.) FIRST DALEK: Silence. You will only speak when you are ordered to do so. [SCENE_BREAK] 23: INT. DALEK CONTROL ROOM (The BLACK DALEK receives another report.) SECOND DALEK: Dalek reports human fallen down bomb shaft. Capsule is being repaired. (The door opens. BARBARA and JENNY are pushed into the room by their escort DALEK.) FIRST DALEK: Wait here. BLACK DALEK: (To the other DALEKS.) Every error must be corrected! The penetration explosive must strike the fissure correctly if we are to extract the molten core. Have all work tasks been completed? THIRD DALEK: They have. BLACK DALEK: Then arrange for the extermination of all human beings. (Two DALEKS in the background hear this order...) DALEK: Kill, kill, kill, kill, kill! DALEK: The final solution! Clear up this planet! BLACK DALEK: Alter the command frequencies to aural control to all robomen. They are to herd humans down to the lower galleries. THIRD DALEK: Immediately. Testing aural control. Testing aural control. [SCENE_BREAK] 24: INT. CORRIDOR (Outside, the light flashes on the side of a ROBOMAN'S helmet as this test instruction is received.) DALEK: (OOV.) Testing aural control. Testing aural control. [SCENE_BREAK] 25: INT. DALEK CONTROL CENTRE BARBARA: Did you see that Jenny? That's the way they control the Robomen! THIRD DALEK: Herd all humans to galleries to nine, ten and fifteen. JENNY: Perhaps we could put it out of action? BARBARA: We could do better than that, we could give it new orders. Tell them to turn on the Daleks. JENNY: Yes! That's a great idea. (The BLACK DALEK glides up to BARBARA, JENNY and their escort.) FIRST DALEK: These are the prisoners that reported the imminent revolt. BLACK DALEK: (Turning to the two women.) Speak! BARBARA: (Nervously opening DORTMUN'S notes.) Er, this bomb is the one with which... BLACK DALEK: We are not interested in the bomb. Give your information! (JENNY looks nervously at BARBARA who hesitates then begins her improvised story, pacing the control room as she does so.) BARBARA: Right. This revolt...is timed to start almost immediately. As in the case of the Indian mutiny, which I am sure... BLACK DALEK: (Interrupting.) Indian mutiny! We are the masters of India! BARBARA: I was talking about Red Indians - in disguise! The plan will run parallel with the Boston Tea Party. Er, naturally, you already have information about this... BLACK DALEK: Wait! (To another DALEK.) Why have I not been informed of this? SECOND DALEK: There has been no information. BARBARA: Good! That means the first part of the plan is a success. Now, I warn you, General Lee and the four...er, the fifth cavalry are already forming up to attack from the north side of the crater. The second wave, Hannibal's forces, will of course come in from the Southern Alps. The third wave... (This is enough for the BLACK DALEK. It swings round to its subordinates.) BLACK DALEK: Attention! Attention! Mobilise defence forces! (At the same time, BARBARA rushes for the ROBOMAN control panel.) BARBARA: Robomen - this order cannot be countermanded! BLACK DALEK: Take them! They are lying! Take them! Take them! Take them! (Several DALEKS talk simultaneously as BARBARA and JENNY are held by two DALEKS and pushed across the control room.) THIRD DALEK: I will arrange for their extermination. BLACK DALEK: No - secure them. They will be killed in the explosion. The countdown must proceed to schedule. (BARBARA and JENNY are secured by magnetic collars against a metal pillar.) BARBARA: Sorry Jenny. JENNY: What for? It was a marvellous attempt and it nearly worked too. BARBARA: Yes, it didn't and we won't get a second try. Well look! That must be the bomb shaft. (BARBARA looks towards the diagram of the crater on the wall.) [SCENE_BREAK] 26: EXT. CRATER EDGE (The DOCTOR and CARL TYLER crawl along the ground to the edge of the crater. TYLER carries his pistol whilst the DOCTOR holds a pair of binoculars.) CARL TYLER: Huh - have you ever seen anything like that mine, Doctor? DOCTOR: I certainly have not. Ah, good! There seems to be a way down there. CARL TYLER: I still say its madness. DOCTOR: Yes, well lets have a closer look. (The DOCTOR looks through the binoculars. DAVID and SUSAN are near to them, chatting quietly when the DOCTOR signals to the young man. He crawls over to him.) DAVID CAMPBELL: Yes Doctor? DOCTOR: How many bombs have you got left? DAVID CAMPBELL: Er, I've got three, I think. DOCTOR: Yes, well that should be enough. (He passes the binoculars to DAVID and points.) Now you see that mast over there? Mmm? DAVID CAMPBELL: (Looking through the binoculars.) Yes. DOCTOR: And the cable behind it? DAVID CAMPBELL: Yes. DOCTOR: Well, I want you and Susan to walk around the lip of the crater and sever it. (Stutters.) Use the bombs. Detonate wi, wi, with your revolver, right? DAVID CAMPBELL: Right, Doctor. DOCTOR: Off you go and don't stop to pick daises on the way! (They leave.) DOCTOR: I don't think they'll run into any trouble. CARL TYLER: And what about us? DOCTOR: That'll be harder to guarantee. Come along. Get down. (The two cautiously clamber over the edge of the crater.) [SCENE_BREAK] 27: INT. BASE OF FISSURE TUBE (IAN comes to, rubbing his head. He pushes open the safe-type door to bare metallic room in which are stacked several pieces of round timber poles. He quickly closes the door as two ROBOMEN enter with a slave who carries another pole. They push the man to the ground. IAN hears this on the other side of the door.) [SCENE_BREAK] 28: INT. DALEK CONTROL ROOM (The BLACK DALEK circles the room impatiently. It is soon joined by its subordinates.) BLACK DALEK: As soon as the repairs to the capsule are complete, the explosive device will be released into the bowels of this planet. JENNY: Sounds as if they're almost ready. BLACK DALEK: Attention all Daleks. Our saucers are hovering above the mine area. Notice to board saucers will be given shortly. [SCENE_BREAK] 29: INT. CORRIDOR (The DOCTOR and TYLER have made it into the base and the DOCTOR is making "adjustments" to a control.) DOCTOR: Now, I've neutralised the warning system. (He passes a tool back to TYLER and waves a hand in front of a door sensor. The door opens.) DOCTOR: Shall we go in? CARL TYLER: I'll say one thing, Doc - Life's never dull with you around. DOCTOR: Thank you, but don't call me "Doc"! I prefer "Doctor"! Do you mind? (They walk through the door.) [SCENE_BREAK] 30: INT. BASE OF FISSURE TUBE (IAN cautiously pushes open the door again. He crawls through and picks up several of the poles, pushing them through the door and therefore blocking the fissure tube. His task completed, he walks out of the room.) [SCENE_BREAK] 31: INT. DALEK CONTROL ROOM DALEK: The work on the capsule is complete. The device is ready. BLACK DALEK: Good. We shall have one hour to leave when the device is fired. Am firing now. (It presses a control...) [SCENE_BREAK] 32: EXT. CLIFFSIDE (...and the capsule again begins its journey, past the sub station and down the tube.) [SCENE_BREAK] 33: INT. BASE OF FISSURE TUBE (At IAN'S timber block, its journey ends abruptly...) [SCENE_BREAK] 34: INT. DALEK CONTROL ROOM BLACK DALEK: The explosive device is on its way to the centre of the Earth. We shall go the edge of the mine workings and be picked up by the saucers. [SCENE_BREAK] 35: INT. CORRIDOR OUTSIDE CONTROL ROOM (Approaching the control room, TYLER and the DOCTOR duck into hiding as the DALEKS stream out of the control room. After they have gone, the two men step out of hiding.) CARL TYLER: That was a close one. DOCTOR: Apparently things are on the move. (Laughs.) (They walk into the control room.) [SCENE_BREAK] 36: INT. DALEK CONTROL ROOM (BARBARA and JENNY are still held by the magnetic collars.) BARBARA: Well, they didn't bother to kill us. I suppose the explosion will take care of that. JENNY: It's no good, Barbara. I can't move mine! BARBARA: Listen! I think the Daleks are coming back! (But it is the DOCTOR and TYLER who run into the room.) DOCTOR: My dear Barbara! BARBARA: Doctor! DOCTOR: (Pointing to a control near the door.) The magnet! The magnet! Quickly! (TYLER adjusts the control enabling the DOCTOR to free BARBARA.) DOCTOR: Is Chesterton with you? (BARBARA shakes her head as the DOCTOR pulls the collar off the wall.) DOCTOR: Never mind...we must begin our action before the Daleks get back. BARBARA: I don't think they will be coming back. They activated one of their bombs. They intend to blow a hole through the centre of the Earth. DOCTOR: But why? JENNY: (Having freed herself.) They're trying to...pilot the Earth right out of its orbit. The bomb's due to go off in half an hours time. DOCTOR: (Excited.) Well, we must prevent this, Barbara. If they succeed, it will the mean that the, er, und, upset the entire constellation. We've got to pres, er, prevent it! BARBARA: But how? DOCTOR: By keeping the Daleks here. (To TYLER.) Keep your eyes skinned on the door. Now, I wonder, I, can I do anything with this scanner? (The DOCTOR adjusts a control on one of the scanner consoles. A picture appears of SUSAN and DAVID near the mast.) BARBARA: There's Susan! DOCTOR: Oh yes! Susan and David. Now, they're trying to fracture the outer cable ring. JENNY: Well what will that do? DOCTOR: Well, if it's possible, you see, we might be able to immola, immobilise the Daleks. DALEK: (OOV: over tannoy.) Scanner frequencies have been changed in Central control. The prisoners must have escaped! Deal with them. DOCTOR: That radio circuit. It's still working! BARBARA: (To the scanner.) Hurry, Susan, hurry! DOCTOR: There's nothing we can do, my dear. Just watch and wait. We can't contact them from here. [SCENE_BREAK] 37: INT. CORRIDOR OUTSIDE CONTROL ROOM (A DALEK approaches the control room. Through its eye-piece it can see TYLER on look-out.) DALEK: Two zero reporting. [SCENE_BREAK] 38: INT. DALEK CONTROL ROOM CARL TYLER: Dalek coming! (BARBARA and JENNY rush to the door.) [SCENE_BREAK] 39: INT. CORRIDOR OUTSIDE CONTROL ROOM DALEK: Will exterminate them at zero range. [SCENE_BREAK] 40: INT. DALEK CONTROL ROOM CARL TYLER: It's nearly here. (TYLER, BARBARA and JENNY press themselves against the wall. The DOCTOR stands his ground facing the oncoming DALEK. Across the room, the scanner shows DAVID firing at the bombs - there is an explosion. The DALEK carries on approaching the DOCTOR who is now in its eyesight - however...) DALEK: Thermostat reading too high! CARL TYLER: It's not working! Doctor, it's not working! DALEK: Heat increase intolerable! Heat increase complete! Power loss compleeeettteee! (Smoke pours out of the DALEK as it cries out in pain. Then it is silent.) CARL TYLER: You took a chance. DOCTOR: A chance? Yes. BARBARA: Can you stop the bomb, Doctor? DOCTOR: Not now, Barbara. We don't know how long this little trick of ours will hold the Daleks. We may have to find something else. BARBARA: Well, look. DOCTOR: Hmm? BARBARA: (Pointing at the ROBOMEN control panel.) That...that thing over there controls the Robomen. We discovered that earlier. Er, maybe we could give it new orders? DOCTOR: Yes! That's brilliant, my dear! Good! Carry on! (BARBARA crouches down by the microphone and imitates a DALEK voice.) BARBARA: Robomen, this is your last order. Obey it and no other. (An impatient DOCTOR joins in.) DOCTOR: Turn on the Daleks, turn on the Daleks, kill the Daleks, do you hear?! [SCENE_BREAK] 41: INT. CORRIDOR (The result is instantaneous. ROBOMEN and slaves join forces in attacking the DALEKS. One is held aloft by the rampaging and jubilant crowd.) [SCENE_BREAK] 42: INT. DALEK CONTROL ROOM (Through the door into the corridor, WELLS leads a crowd of humans as they pour through the DALEK control centre. He points out the still DALEK in the control room. Two ROBOMEN burst in and attack it. TYLER rushes out to stop the crowd entering. IAN manages to push through. His cry to BARBARA is lost over the sound of the mob but she and the DOCTOR rush forward for a happy reunion.) DOCTOR: My dear boy, where did you spring from? IAN: Well, I was trying to get out of the mine and suddenly the Robomen turned on the Daleks! You know the rest. DOCTOR: Well, the people are fighting back at last! [SCENE_BREAK] 43: EXT. MINE (The slaves pour out of the mine entrance, attacking each DALEK in their path. They carry on running away from the centre of the DALEK operations...) [SCENE_BREAK] 44: INT. DALEK CONTROL ROOM (IAN is pointing out on the map where he blocked the fissure shaft to the DOCTOR, BARBARA, TYLER and JENNY.) IAN: That must be where I jammed it. So that's musts be where it will explode. BARBARA: But look, it's going to go off in ten minutes time. DOCTOR: I don't think their device will succeed in that position. But still, it will be a gigantic explosion. CARL TYLER: Then we ought to get as many people out of this area as we possibly can. (He leads the rush out of the control room...) [SCENE_BREAK] 45: INT. CORRIDOR OUTSIDE CONTROL ROOM JENNY: We'll be safe outside the valley. DOCTOR: (Leading them away.) And we must all meet back on the cliff - up where we were before. Now hurry up, all of you! (They run off.) [SCENE_BREAK] 46: INT. COUNTDOWN (The countdown in the control room continues as the trapped capsule bleeps away...) [SCENE_BREAK] 47: EXT. CLIFFTOP (The escapees, including WELLS, congregate at the clifftop.) DOCTOR: [SCENE_BREAK] any second. Keep right down all of you! (They all hit crouch down as there is a gigantic explosion. Dust flies into the air and lava pours out of the ground. Covered in dust and coughing, the group look on the sight before them.) DOCTOR: The saucers...were caught in the upward thrust of that explosion. JENNY: Do you think any Daleks escaped? DOCTOR: In that, my dear? Impossible. Ahh...! (TYLER stands. The DOCTOR joins him.) DOCTOR: There's something new for you, Tyler. Ehh? A Volcanic eruption in England. CARL TYLER: It's unbelievable. DOCTOR: Yes...it's unbelievable. (Coughs.) JENNY: (Almost in shock.) It's over! [SCENE_BREAK] 48: EXT. RIVERSIDE (Back in London, WELLS and another man complete the removal of the debris from around the TARDIS as the DOCTOR and TYLER talk nearby.) CARL TYLER: Well, at least the firebombs didn't destroy everything. DOCTOR: Hmm! CARL TYLER: Pity Dortmun couldn't be here. Dortmun and people like him. DOCTOR: Yes, and it's to them that you must dedicate your next task - the rebuilding of the Earth...and I'm sure you're going to make a great success of it. CARL TYLER: You sound as if you're leaving? (The DOCTOR smiles and pats him on the shoulder...as the sound of the chimes of Big Ben echo through the air...) CARL TYLER: Listen! (The two men do so for a moment.) DOCTOR: (Quietly.) Just the beginning...just the beginning. (SUSAN is sat lost in thought nearby. The DOCTOR joins her.) DOCTOR: All alone, eh, Susan, Hmm? SUSAN: I was thinking. DOCTOR: Ahh! Yes, I afraid we've...had so little time for that sort of thing lately. SUSAN: It will be nice if we... DOCTOR: (Interrupting.) Er, eh, eh, well, I'm sorry, Susan (Laughs.) SUSAN: It wasn't important, it...what were you going to s... (SUSAN starts to rise but grimaces in pain and sits back down again.) DOCTOR: Er, oh my dear Susan, you're hurt. SUSAN: Oh, it's not me, it's this shoe of mine, look. (Taking it off and passing it to the DOCTOR..) It's worn right out. DOCTOR: Oh, dear, dear, dear. SUSAN: It must have been that journey back from the mine. DOCTOR: Dear, dear, dear, I shall have to mend this. Shan't I now? SUSAN: Oh, don't worry, Grandfather. DOCTOR: Oh, no, no, no, no, no worry, my child, no. When I've finished with this, it will look as good as new. SUSAN: Really, it's not worth it. I've got dozens of other pairs. DOCTOR: Yes...Mmm. SUSAN: I...I'd better clear up my cupboard - it's in a dreadful muddle. DOCTOR: (Affectionately.) Yes, you little monkey! You know, since you've been away from that school, you seem to have got yourself thoroughly disorganised, haven't you? Hmm? Hmm. (Hugging her.) Yes, you need taking in hand. Well, er, I, I er, think I must check up on the ship, er...if you don't mind, er... (He seems embarrassed to go on. He walks away.) SUSAN: Won't be long... (The DOCTOR goes up to the TARDIS. DAVID is stood a few feet away. SUSAN slowly walks up to him. The DOCTOR watches this, then enters the ship. IAN and BARBARA have been talking to TYLER nearby. IAN, oblivious to what is going on, walks up to DAVID.) IAN: What are your plans, David? (BARBARA joins them.) DAVID CAMPBELL: Me? Oh, I'll join a group that work the land. More than anything, I want to see things grow again. I want to be a part of it. IAN: It's a nice idea. Do you come from the country? DAVID CAMPBELL: Yes. My family have always been associated with the land. (BARBARA taps IAN on the shoulder and points at the TARDIS. IAN doesn't take the hint.) IAN: Oh, er, where do they live? DAVID CAMPBELL: Well they, they live a long way from here. (BARBARA drags IAN away. TYLER walks up to DAVID and SUSAN.) CARL TYLER: Well can't stand here talking all day. See me before you go, David. DAVID CAMPBELL: I will Tyler. I will. (TYLER smiles at SUSAN and walks off.) SUSAN: Goodbye, Tyler. (He doesn't answer.) SUSAN: (Quietly.) Bye. (SUSAN walks a few feet away and starts to fiddle with her TARDIS key. DAVID joins her but they are both overcome with embarrassment.) DAVID CAMPBELL: Susan? SUSAN: Yes, David? DAVID CAMPBELL: Please stay, please stay here with me. SUSAN: I can't stay, David. I don't belong to this time. DAVID CAMPBELL: But I love you, Susan. (Holding her shoulders.) And I want you to marry me. SUSAN: You...you see, David, I...Grandfather's old now. He...he needs me. (DAVID turns his back on SUSAN.) SUSAN: (Upset.) Oh, don't make me choose between you and him, please! DAVID CAMPBELL: But you told me! You said that you'd never known the security of living in one place and one time. Look, you said it was something you always longed for. Well, I'm giving you that, Susan. I'm giving you a place, a time, an identity. (SUSAN pauses, the runs a few feet from him, crying.) SUSAN: No David! (DAVID follows her and stands quietly as SUSAN finishes crying.) SUSAN: I've lost my shoe... (She rushes to him.) Oh David, I do love you! I do, I do, I do! [SCENE_BREAK] 49: INT. TARDIS. CONSOLE ROOM (The DOCTOR stands pondering quietly as IAN and BARBARA watch. The old man crosses to the console and closes the doors.) [SCENE_BREAK] 50: EXT. RIVERSIDE (The doors of the TARDIS slam shut. SUSAN rushes to the ship.) SUSAN: Grandfather! [SCENE_BREAK] 51: SCANNER IMAGE (SUSAN appears on the scanner. DAVID is stood a few feet behind her.) [SCENE_BREAK] 52: EXT. RIVERSIDE DOCTOR: (OOV: over tannoy.) Listen, Susan, please. I've double-locked the doors. You can't get in. Now move back, child, where I can see you. [SCENE_BREAK] 53: INT. TARDIS. CONSOLE ROOM DOCTOR: During all the years, I've been taking care of you, you in return have been taking care of me. SUSAN: (On scanner - taking her TARDIS key from around her neck.) Grandfather, I belong with you! DOCTOR: Not any longer, Susan. You're still my grandchild and always will be. But now, you're a woman too. [SCENE_BREAK] 54: EXT. RIVERSIDE DOCTOR: (OOV: on scanner.) I want you to belong somewhere, to have roots of your own. With David, you'll be able to find those roots. Live normally like any woman should do. [SCENE_BREAK] 55: INT. TARDIS. CONSOLE ROOM DOCTOR: Believe me, my dear, your future lies with David. And not with a silly old buffer like me. One day, I shall come back. Yes, I shall come back. Until then, there must be no regrets, no tears, no anxieties. Just go forward in all your beliefs and prove to me that I am not mistaken in mine. (Reaching for the controls.) Goodbye, Susan, goodbye, my dear. (With a pained look on his face, he activates the controls...) [SCENE_BREAK] 56: EXT. RIVERSIDE (The TARDIS dematerialises. SUSAN, still holding her TARDIS key, walks into the now empty space and presses the air. She looks at the ground and then into the sky. DAVID joins her and holds out his hand.) DAVID CAMPBELL: Susan?...Susan? (SUSAN takes his hand.) DAVID CAMPBELL: He knew...he knew you could never leave him. (SUSAN looks closely at her key, then drops it on the ground, then walks off hesitantly with DAVID. Behind her, the key lies forgotten on the ground - the key to all time and space...)

The TARDIS returns to London; however, it's the 22nd century. With bodies in the river, and quiet in the docklands, the city is a very different place. The Daleks have invaded and it's up to the Doctor to thwart them once again.

fd_FRIENDS_06x09

fd_FRIENDS_06x09_0

[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica is mixing some Thanksgiving treat (I'm assuming mashed potatoes) in a bowl.] Monica: (on phone) Okay, great! Bye. (Hangs up as Chandler enters.) So guess who's coming to Thanksgiving dinner? Chandler: Sidney Poitier? Hehheh. [Chandler throws his coat on the couch] Monica: (not amused by Chandler's joke) I miss Rachel. (To Chandler) No, my parents. Chandler: Oh! That's great, they haven't seen the place since I moved in! [Monica goes to fiddle with something on the table.] Monica: Yeah, and y'know, if you could not mention to them that we live together, that would be great! (Quickly trying to change subjects), I was thinking we would eat around four. [Monica goes to the stove.] Chandler: (shocked at the news) Why can't I tell them that we live together? Monica: Because they don't know we're dating. (Again, trying to quickly change subjects.) Do you think we should eat in the kitchen? (Goes to the sink and the stove to cook.) Chandler: Why haven't you told them?! Monica: Um, well, I was going to, I-I-I really was. But um, then somewhere, just out of nowhere, I didn't. Chandler: Why haven't you told them?! Wouldn't they be happy?! Monica: (trying to change subjects, excitedly) So! Dinner in the kitchen around four! I'll see you then. (Pats Chandler on the shoulder and goes into the living room.) Chandler: Why wouldn't they be happy? Monica: Well, um, because mainly, um, they don't like you. I'm sorry. Chandler: What? What? Why?! Monica: Maybe because you used to be aloof, or that you're really sarcastic, or that, y'know, you joke around all the time. Or that you take off your clothes and throw them on the couch. Chandler: Is this why they don't like me or why you don't like me? Monica: Look, I know that I should've told them. I know I shouldn't care what they think. I'm sorry. Chandler: Y'know, it'll be okay. It'll be okay. Because when they come over, I will be all charming, I will make them fall in love with me, and then we'll tell 'em. Monica: You really think that'll work? Chandler: Hey, I can be pretty charming, babe, I won YOU over, didn't I? Monica: (hugging Chandler) I don't think you'll ever get my parents that drunk! Opening Credits [Scene: Joey and Janine's, Joey and Ross are playing Sony Playstation. Chandler enters.] Chandler: Hey! (Sees Ross is there) Oh, good, Ross! You're parents like me, right? [Chandler goes to stand to the side of the TV.] Ross: (only half-paying attention) Yes, of course they like you! Chandler: Well Monica just told me that they don't. Ross: (not paying attention) Yeah, they don't like you. Chandler: (annoyed) Do you know why? Ross: I dunno, maybe it's because you're really sarcastic. Or maybe it's cause you uh- Chandler: (angry) Well if people don't know they shouldn't just guess! [Joey and Ross get annoyed with Chandler's outburst.] Chandler: This is great, another Thanksgiving with nothing to give thanks for. Joey: Maybe I could give thanks for you shuttin' up, eh? Chandler: Maybe I could give thanks by taking my Playstation over to my new apartment. Joey: Well maybe I love ya'. Chandler: [mocks that last comment]. [Chandler starts to leave as Janine enters] Janine [to Chandler]: Hey. Chandler: Hey. [Chandler exits] Janine: Hey guys! [Joey and Ross drop their video game controllers.] Ross: (trying to act manly in front of Janine) No I don't want to play video games, Joey! Janine: Are you guys going to Chandler's for Thanksgiving? Joey: Yeah! Yeah, why? What's up? Janine: Well, me and my dancer friends are thinking of doing Thanksgiving uptown. I thought you guys might like to come. Ross: For real? Janine: No, but you should go to Chandler's. Because none of us knows how to cook, we'll probably just end up drinking all day. Joey: Ye-ye, we go to yours! Ross: Yeah, see, we-we-we have to stop across the hall, because it's my sister. But, uh, uh y'know actually, growing up with a sister was nice because it really helped me understand women. Yeah, you-you should tell your friends that. Janine: (not sure of what to make of that) Okay. [Janine leaves] [Ross looks at Joey coyly.] Joey: How you got three women to marry you, I'll never know. [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Phoebe enters with a paper turkey.] Phoebe: Hey! All: Hey! Rachel: Hey! Hey, Pheebs, check it out. Yeah, for my desert, I have chosen to make a traditional English trifle! Phoebe: Wow, that sounds great! And what are you making Monica, in case Rachel's dessert is...[about to say "bad"] so good that I eat all of it. There's none left for anybody else! [Monica, Phoebe, and Rachel laugh] Monica: Nothing. Rachel: (worried) Nothing? Monica: No, sweetie, I-I trust you. Rachel: So, if-if I mess this up, there's nothing else for dessert? Monica: You're not gonna mess it up. Rachel: Wow, Monica, I love that, you really have faith in me. Thank you. Technical question, how do you know when uh, the butter's done? Monica: Well, it's done about two minutes before it looks like that. [Joey and Ross enter.] Joey and Ross: Hey! All: Hey! Joey: Oh, ooh the food smells great, Mon! Ross: And the place looks so nice! Joey: Yeah, hey hey, Happy Thanksgiving everybody! Ross: Happy Thanksgiving! The Girls: Happy Thanksgiving! Joey: Well, this has been great! Ross: See ya! [Joey and Ross go to the door, ready to leave.] Monica: Whoa whoa whoa! Where're you goin'? Ross: Oh, oh, we did say we'd stop by this little thing Joey's roommate is having. Monica: Oh, Janine, the really hot dancer girl? Ross: Some would say she's attractive, yes. Phoebe: And who else is going to be there? Joey: Uh, some of her friends, yeah. Rachel: Her dancer friends? Joey: (frustrated) Yes, all right? All of her hot dancer friends are gonna be there and they're gonna be, be drinkin' and dancin, and we really wanna go! Ross: (to Joey) Dude, we were good! Monica: You're not gonna go anywhere, you said you were gonna eat here, and you're gonna eat here! Phoebe: Yeah, and-and leaving us to go see hot dancer girls is not very Thanksgivingy. Ross: Oh, but-but it is, uh, it's just like the first Thanksgiving, when the Indians and the Pilgrims uh, sat down to dinner. Joey: Yeah, yeah, and the Indians taught the Pilgrims what it meant to be hot in the new world! [Enter Jack and Judy Geller] Mrs. Geller: Hello everybody! Mr. Geller: Hi! All: Hi! [Kisses and hugs are exchanged.] Monica: Dad [kisses Jack], Mom [kisses Judy]. Look! Look who it is it's Chandler! Mrs. Geller: (less than pleased) Oh yes of course, hello Chandler. Chandler: Mr. and Mrs. Geller, you look wonderful, it is great to have you hear, let us take off your coats! [Chandler goes to take off Jack's coat. He then notices little white flakes on Jack's shoulders. He begins to wipe them off.] Chandler: Whoa, snowing out there? Mr. Geller: (angry) No. [Time lapse. The gang is sitting down for Thanksgiving dinner. Chandler is at the head of the table, Mr and Mrs Geller are to his right. Joey and Ross are to his left. Monica is serving things. Phoebe is in the living room and Rachel is at the sink.] Mr. Geller: Monica, all this food looks wonderful, you should think about doing this for a living. [Chandler, trying to make nice with Jack, laughs at his joke and points at Jack.] Mr. Geller: Ok, I have dandruff. There's no need to laugh and point. [Monica rushes over to Chandler's side.] Monica: Dad, Chandler was just laughing at your joke. Mr. Geller: My joke wasn't funny. [Phoebe walks from the living room to the kitchen and talks quietly to Rachel.] Phoebe: Rach, Rach, I just remembered. I had a dream about Mr. Geller last night. Rachel: Really?! Phoebe: Yeah, I dreamt that he saved me from a burning building and he was so brave and so strong! And it's making me look at him totally differently. Y'know, I mean he used to be just, y'know "Jack Geller Monica and Ross's dad" and now he's he's "Jack Geller, dream hunk." [We see a shot of Jack stuffing his face with food. Some dream hunk!] Rachel: I dunno. Y'know to me he'll always be "Jack Geller, walks in while you're changing." [Time lapse. Ross and Joey are cleaning the table while Judy and Phoebe talk by the window. Jack and Chandler are sitting on the couch while Monica sits on the coffee table.] Monica: Y'know dad, Chandler is one of Ross's very best friends! Chandler: Yeah, Ross sure is a great guy, y'know I've always felt that how a young man turns out is a reflection on his father. Mr. Geller: I always thought that too. Tell me, what does your father do? [Chandler and Monica exchange worried looks.] Chandler: (worried) He's the headliner of a gay burlesque show. [Rachel is in the kitchen fiddling with her English trifle. Joey and Ross, anxious to leave and go to Janine's party, are egging her on to hurry up.] Joey: Rach, you're killin' us here, will ya serve the dessert already? Those drunken dancers are waiting! Rachel: (looking at her trifle) Look at it, isn't it beautiful? Ross: Yeah, yeah, what is it? Rachel: It's a trifle. It's got all of these layers. First there's a layer of ladyfingers, then a layer of jam, then custard, which I made from scratch, [Joey and Ross make impressed faces] then raspberries, more ladyfingers, then beef sauteed with peas and onions, [Joey and Ross look like something's wrong.] then a little more custard, and then bananas, and then I just put some whipped cream on top! [Joey and Ross make confused faces.] Ross: W-What was the one right before bananas? Rachel: The beef? Yeah, that was weird to me, too. But then, y'know, I thought "well, there's mincemeat pie," I mean that's an English dessert, these people just put very strange things in their food, y'know. [To Joey] Oh! by the way, can I borrow some Rum from your place? Joey: Y-sure! Rachel: (teasingly) And while I'm gone don't you boys sneak a taste. Joey and Ross: (faking dissapointment) Okay. [Rachel leaves] Ross: Beef in a dessert?! I- no no no, there is no way! [Ross goes to look in the magazine Rachel got her recipe from.] Joey: I know, and only one layer of jam?! What is up with that? [Ross looks up as if saying that Joey was weird. He begins flipping through the pages, only to find that they are sticky. So one page is overlapping another, making two recipes look like one.] Ross: Oh my God, the pages are stuck together! Joey: (turning to Chandler in a scolding tone) Chandler! Ross: Oh My God, she-she made half a English Trifle, and half a...Sheperd's Pie! Joey: (sad) Oh man! Now she's gonna start all over! We're never gonna get to introduce the hot girls to the new world! Ross: No, no, we will. We just won't tell her she messed up. Joey: Just let her serve the beef-custard thing? Ross: Yeah, it'll be like a funny Thanksgiving story! Joey: (shrugging his shoulders to go along with it) Vomiting stories are funny... [Rachel enters] Rachel: Joey, God, your apartment is like a hundred degrees! Joey: Did-did it make you wanna walk around in your underwear? Rachel: No! Joey: (frustrated) Still not hot enough! [Joey leaves] [Phoebe walks over to talk to Rachel.] Phoebe: Rachel? Rachel: Yeah? Phoebe: Okay, look at him. Look at those strong hands. Oh what I wouldn't give to be that can of (looks closer to see what Jack is drinking) condensed milk. [We see a shot of Jack drinking condensed milk on the couch.] [Ross and Judy enter the living room. Judy and Ross sit down on the couch beside Jack. Monica and Chandler are sitting on the coffee table.] Monica: Mom, uh, Chandler was just saying how beautiful your sweater is. Mrs. Geller: Oh, thank you Chandler! I just bought it. Chandler: Oh, yes. Well it's very beautiful. It's cream-colored and tight [Realizes what he just said and looks worried. Monica and Ross also looked shocked. Judy and Jack give Chandler a very dirty look.] I don't mean tight, I mean it's not too tight, not that I was looking at-[giving up all hope, he puts his head into his hands.] Mr. Geller: What's the matter with him? Mrs. Geller: (whispers to Jack a little loudly) I think he's stoned again. Chandler: (shocked) What? Monica: (shocked) What? Ross: (worried) Dude, I need to talk to you a sec. [Ross and Chandler get up and go into Rachel's old room.] [Scene: Rachel's old room. It's pretty much empty except for a few boxes against the walls. Ross and Chandler enter.] Ross: Okay, I think I might know why my parents don't like you. Chandler: You do? Why? Ross: Okay, remember, we were young. Hey, Spring break, sophomore year, I got high in my bedroom and my parents walked in and smelled it and so I told them that you had gotten stoned and jumped out the window. Chandler: What?! Why did you do that? Ross: I don't know, aheh, your's was the first name that-that popped into my head, I'm I'm sorry. I-I didn't think it would matter. Chandler: How could it not matter?! Ross: How was I supposed to know we'd end up being friends after college, let alone you-you would be living with my sister? Chandler: What about all that "friends forever" stuff? Ross: I don't know, I-I was all high. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Rachel's Old Bedroom, Continued from earlier. Monica enters the room.] Monica: Mom and dad just sent me in here to find out if you (points to Chandler) were trying to get Ross stoned! Chandler: Your parents caught Ross smoking pot in college and he blamed it on me! Monica: Ross, I can't believe you'd do that! Chandler: The reason we haven't told them we're together is because they hate me, okay? So will you fix this? Ross: Okay, okay, I'll tell 'em it wasn't Chandler who got high. Now who should I say it was? Monica: You! It's not like it's a big deal! You-you don't still do it or anything! Ross: Alright, alright, now-now who should I say tricked me into doing it? [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Time lapse. Jack is still on the couch, picking his teeth with his feet on the table. Phoebe and Judy are sitting on the table looking at him. Ross and Chandler are sitting by the window talking. Rachel and Joey are in the kitchen fooling with Rachel's trifle. Monica walks into the living room from the kitchen.] Monica: Dad, please don't pick your teeth out here! Alright, and if you're gonna put your feet up, why don't you sit on the- Phoebe: Monica, leave him alone! [Monica gives Phoebe a surprised expression and goes over to Ross and Chandler.] Joey: (to Rachel) Will you hurry up? Did you not hear me before when I told you that all of Janine's friends are dancers?! And that they're going to be drinking alot!? Rachel: (sarcastically) No, I did, but tell me again, because it's so romantic. Joey: Well you're whippin' so slow! Can't you do it any faster? Rachel: Joey! Come on! I don't wanna make any mistakes, alright? This is the only dessert and if I screw it up everybody's gonna be like "Oh, remember that Thanksgiving when Rachel screwed up the trifle?" [Joey gives her an understanding look.] Rachel: So why don't you just let me worry about making the trifle and you just worry about eating it, alright? Joey: Oh I am! [Chandler and Monica are by the window pressuring Ross to tell his parents the truth.] Monica: Ross, if you don't tell them, then I will! Ross: Okay, fine! [Ross gets up to go tell his parents.] [Joey rushes over.] Joey: Ross! Can I talk to you for a second? Ross: Oh, uh, can it wait a second Joey? I have to tell my parents something. No it can't? Okay. [Monica and Chandler make "What was that?" gestures. Joey and Ross go into Rachel's old room.] [Scene: Rachel's old room, Ross and Joey enter.] Joey: Okay, look, I think we have to tell Rachel she messed up her dessert. Ross: What?! What is with everybody? It's Thanksgiving, not...Truth-Day! Joey: Look, when everyone eats that...that...Banana-Meat thing, they're all gonna' make fun of her, do you want that? Ross: Okay, okay, we'll just get everyone to act like they like it. That-that way noone makes fun of her and we still get to go to Sweet Potatoe Pie! (Referring to the dancers.) Joey: (scolding) Dude, they're not objects. [Ross makes a sorry face.] Joey: Just kiddin,' I'll talk to them, you distract Rach. [SCENE_BREAK] [Joey and Ross go back out into the main area.] Ross: Hey Rach, can I talk to you outside for a second? Rachel: Okay... [The hallway. Rachel and Ross go out and they just stand there for a few seconds.] Rachel: What's up, Ross? Ross: So um...Thanksgiving. The holiday season is upon us, hm? Rachel: Yeah! Ross: And um...You look nice today. Rachel: Oh no. No Ross, don't do this. Ross: What? Rachel: I just- I don't think us getting back together is a good idea. Ross: (shocked) Eh? Rachel: I thought this might happen today. Ross, I know the holidays can be rough. Y'know? And it's probably really hard for you to be alone right now. Ross: (cutting her off) You're alone. Rachel: No, I-I live with Phoebe. I mean you're [pity-tone] alone, alone. And I just-it's just not the time for us. I'm sorry. Ross: (just trying to get out of the conversation) Ah well, can't blame a guy for trying! [Inside Monica and Chandler's. Joey is almost done explaining the situation to everyone.] Joey: Oh and (Ross begins to open the door and Joey says some gibberish word to indicate to Ross that he's not done yet. Ross closes the door again.) Okay, and uh if anyone needs help pretending to like it, I learned something in acting class, try uh, rubbing your stomach (Rubs his stomach) or uh, or saying "mmm" and uh, oh oh! And smiling (Smiles while pretending to stir a bowl), okay? Chandler: Yeah, I'm not gonna pay for those acting classes anymore. [Ross and Rachel re-enter.] Joey: Rachel, there you are! Come on, let's serve that dessert already! Rachel: Joey, you're gonna have to stop rushing me, you know what? You don't get any dessert. Joey: (happily) Really? Rachel: No, I'm just kidding I would never do that to you! Okay, everybody, it's trifle time! Phoebe: So, now, Rach, this is a traditional English trifle, isn't it? Rachel: It sure is. Phoebe: Wow. So then did you make it with beef or Eggplant? Rachel: Beef. Phoebe: I can't have any. You know I don't eat meat. (Faking dissapointment.) Ohhh no. [Phoebe gets up and goes into Rachel's old room, a smile on her face.] Rachel: Alright, Monica, I want you to have the first taste. Monica: Really? [Rachel hands Monica a plate. Monica takes a spoonful of the whipped cream portion.] Rachel: Oh oh oh, wait! You only got whipped cream in there! Ya gotta take a bite with all the layers! Monica: Okay. [Monica takes a bigger spoonful and a pea falls off] Rachel: Op! Wait, you dropped a pea. [Monica puts the pea on top of the spoonful and takes a bite.] Rachel: Well? Monica: (faking joy. Rubbing her stomach and smiling at the same time, like Joey said) Mmmm! It's good! Rachel: Really? How good? Monica: It's so good, that I feel really selfish about being the only one who's eating it, that I think we should have everyone taste how good it is. Especially Ross. [Ross glares at Monica.] [Everyone takes a bite of their trifle.] All: (faking enjoyment) Mmm. Chandler: (clearly lying and hating the dessert) Yeah, this is so good, that I'm gonna go enjoy it on the balcony so that I can enjoy the view whilst I enjoy my dessert. [Chandler exits to the balcony.] Mrs. Geller: (lying) I've gotta call my friend Mary and tell her how good this is, from Monica's room. Mr. Geller: (also lying) I'll help you dial. [Jack and Judy exit to Monica's room.] Monica: (again, lying) I'm gonna go into the bathroom so I can look at it in the mirror, as I eat it. [Monica exits to the bathroom.] Rachel: Okay, now what was that all about? Is it-does it not taste good? Let me try it. [Rachel reaches for Ross's plate] Ross: Wha? No no! Ah! (Ross scarfs all of his trifle down in about a second. He looks like he's going to throw up.) (Lying) All gone! So good! Maybe Chandler has some left. [Rachel leaves to the balcony.] Ross: It tastes like feet! Joey: I like it. Ross: Are you kidding? Joey: What's not to like? Custard? Good. Jam? Good. Meat? Gooooood. [Rachel and Chandler re-emerge from the balcony.] Rachel: ...So a bird just grabbed it, and then tried to fly away with it and, and then just dropped it on the street? [Chandler makes a fake "I know I couldn't believe it either" gesture.] Chandler: (lying) Yes, but if it's any consolation, before the bird dropped it, he seemed to enjoy it. [Phoebe comes back from Rachel's old room.] Phoebe: Rachel, come here. (Rachel walks over to Phoebe. Chandler sits down on the lounge-chair.) Okay, I was just starting to take my Thanksgiving nap, and I had another dream about Jack. Rachel: Oh, Phoebe, do I wanna hear this? Phoebe: I dunno, let's see! So, okay, I dreamt that we were gonna get married, and he left, becuz he had to go fight a fire. And, um, so okay, I went to a night club, and I saw him making out with a girl. Rachel: (humoring Phoebe) Oh my God, he dream-cheated on you! Phoebe: Yeah, but then Jacques Cousteau came and he kicked his ass for betraying me! It was soo cool! Then, he took me diving and he introduced me to his pet seahorse, who, by the way, was totally coming on to me, and please, that is not gonna happen. [Jack and Judy come out of Monica's room and sit down on the couch.] Mr. Geller: Boy, I'm glad I wore the big belt today. Phoebe: Five minutes ago, a line like that would've floored me. Now nothing. Well, not nothing, I am still a woman. [Rachel and Phoebe walk into the kitchen. Monica comes out of the bathroom and goes over to Ross.] Monica: Ross? Let's go. Ross: Oh yeah, about telling Mom and Dad, I was thinking about maybe writing a letter. Monica: Alright, you know what? That's it. You've had your chance. Ross: Wha-what? Monica: (out loud, to her parents) Mom! Dad! Ross smoked pot in college! Mr. and Mrs. Geller: What?! Ross: (in a 5 year old's tone) (To Monica) You are such a tattletale! Mom, Dad, you remember that-that time you walked in my room and smelled marijuana? Mr. and Mrs. Geller: Yes. (They look at Chandler angrily.) Ross: Well I told you it was Chandler who was smoking the pot but it was me. I'm sorry. Mrs. Geller: It was you? Monica: And Dad, y'know that mailman that you got fired? He didn't steal your Playboys! Ross did! [The Gellers stare at Ross. Ross looks at his parents with an afraid, shocked look.] Ross: Yeah, well, Hurricane Gloria didn't break the porch swing, Monica did! [The Gellers glare at Monica.] [Joey, Phoebe, and Rachel are sitting at the table, looking at the Geller siblings like they're weirdos.] Monica: Ross hasn't worked at the museum for a year! [The Gellers glare at Ross.] Ross: Monica and Chandler are living together! [The Gellers glare at Monica, shocked] [Monica and Chandler both are shocked. Ross gives Monica a "take that!" look.] Monica: Ross married Rachel in Vegas! And got divorced! Again!!!! [The Gellers glare at Ross.] Phoebe: (joining in) I love Jacques Cousteau! Rachel: (reading the recipe magazine, finally figuring out that...) I wasn't supposed to put beef in the trifle! Joey: (pounding the table) I wanna gooooooo! Mrs. Geller: (rubbing her temples) That's alot of information to get in in thirty seconds! Alright Joey, if wanna leave, just leave. Rachel, no you weren't supposed to put beef in the trifle. It did not taste good. Phoebe, I'm sorry, but I think Jacques Cousteau is dead. (Phoebe makes a sad face.) Monica, why you felt you had to hide the fact that you were in an important relationship is beyond me. Mr. Geller: And we kinda figured about the porch swing. Mrs. Geller: Ross, drugs? Divorced? Again? Mr. Geller: What happened son? Ross: I-I uh, I got tricked into all those things! Mrs. Geller: Chandler! You've been Ross's best friend all these years, stuck by him during the drug problems. (Ross gets disgusted.) And now you've taken on Monica as well. Well, I don't know what to say. You're a wonderful human being. [Chandler is mega shocked!] Chandler: Thank you! Mr. Geller: No! Thank you! (Hugs Chandler) Monica, and Ross! I don't know what I'm gonna do about the two of you! Chandler: (In a parent-like tone) I'll talk to them! Closing Credits [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Everyone is helping clean the table.] Rachel: You guys! It was bananas, cream, and beef! I-I just cannot believe that you ate that so that I wouldn't feel bad! Monica: Well actually, I-I didn't eat mine. It's still in the bathroom. Joey: No it isn't, I ate that. Mrs. Geller: (pointing to herself and Jack) Well we left ours in Monica's bedroom. Joey: Nope, got it and I got yours (Pointing to Jack) too.

Ross is forced to tell Chandler why Jack and Judy dislike him. While in college, Ross experimented with pot and was found out by his parents but he claimed it was Chandler's pot. Rachel makes dessert, but when the recipe book's pages get stuck together, she combines an English trifle with a shepherd's pie. Phoebe has a sensual dream about Jack Geller, Monica and Ross' father. Joey and Ross want to skip Monica's Thanksgiving dinner after Janine invites them to hang out with her and her dancer friends.

fd_Gilmore_Girls_01x09

fd_Gilmore_Girls_01x09_0

1.09 - Rory's Dance (Emily, Rory, and Lorelai are having dinner.) EMILY: Your grandfather called last night and told me to let you know he's bringing you back something very special from Prague. RORY: Wow, Prague. How amazing is it that he's going to Prague? EMILY: It's supposed to be lovely, very dramatic castles everywhere. RORY: Did you know the cell that V clav Havel was held in is now a hostel? You can stay there for like $50 a night. (Rory turns to Lorelai, who is playing with her food.) RORY: Hey, maybe on our big trip to Europe we could go to Prague and stay in his cell. LORELAI: Absolutely. And then we can go to Turkey and stay in that place from Midnight Express. EMILY: Lorelai, what are you doing? LORELAI: Getting rid of the avacado. EMILY: Since when do you not like avacado? LORELAI: Since the day I said, "Gross. What is this?" and you said, "Avacado." EMILY: (to Rory) I'm focusing on you now. Tell me all about the Chilton formal next week. LORELAI: There's a formal? RORY: How do you know about the formal? LORELAI: Yeah, how do you know about the formal? EMILY: I read my Chilton newsletter. LORELAI: Since when do you get a Chilton newsletter? EMILY: Well as a major contributor to Rory's education I figured I had the right to ask for a newsletter to be sent to my house. (Emily goes to get her copy of the newsletter.) LORELAI: Are you serious? EMILY: And it's a good thing, too, since you don't bother to read yours. One of us should be up to date on the goings-on at Rory's school. LORELAI: Hey, Mom, I read my newsletter. EMILY: You did? LORELAI: That's right. EMILY: What was the picture on the cover? LORELAI: (uncertainly) It was a picture of a really rich kid in plaid. EMILY: (shows Lorelai the cover) It was a spotted owl. LORELAI: In plaid. (Rory holds back laughter.) EMILY: The owls are endangered and Chilton is taking donations to help them. (to Rory) You gave a very nice one, in case you're interested. LORELAI: Mom, don't be giving donations on Rory's behalf. I'll do that. EMILY: How can you do that when you don't bother to read the newsletter? LORELAI: I read the newsletter. EMILY: You didn't know they were taking donations. LORELAI: It's a private school. They're always taking donations. They teach a class in it. I'll get them next time. EMILY: Well what about the owls? LORELAI: They'll live. EMILY: Well apparently they won't, dear. That's why they need the donations in the first place. LORELAI: (to Rory) So, you have a formal coming up? RORY: Yeah, but I don't think I'm going to go. EMILY: Nonsense. Of course you're going. LORELAI: Mom, if Rory doesn't want to go she doesn't have to go. EMILY: Well I don't understand why she wouldn't want to go. LORELAI: I know you don't. RORY: I'm gonna go get another Coke. EMILY: What did you say to her? LORELAI: What are you talking about? EMILY: If she doesn't want to go it must be because of something you said. LORELAI: Mom, I promise. All I ever said to her about dances is that you go, you dance, you have punch, you eat, you take a picture, and then you get auctioned off to a biker gang from Sausalito. EMILY: Lorelai, this is serious. LORELAI: Mom, I said nothing, OK? Rory's disdain of formals is totally her own. Let's just drop it, please. EMILY: Fine. LORELAI: Fine. (They both go back to their food.) EMILY: What's wrong with the tomato? LORELAI: It was fraternizing with the enemy. (Cut to the interior of a car. Lorelai and Rory are driving home.) LORELAI: Why didn't you mention the dance? RORY: 'Cause I'm not going. LORELAI: Oh. But why aren't you going? RORY: 'Cause I hate dances. LORELAI: Good answer. Except you've never actually been to a dance. RORY: So? LORELAI: So you really have nothing to compare it to. RORY: No, but I can imagine it. LORELAI: That's true. However, not really, since you've never actually been to one you're basing all your dance opinions on one midnight viewing of Sixteen Candles. RORY: So? LORELAI: So you should have a decent reason for hating something before you really decide you hate it. RORY: Trust me, I'll hate it. It'll be stuffy and boring, the music will suck and since none of the kids at school like me, I'll be stuck in the back listening to 98 watching Tristin and Paris argue over which one of them gets to make me miserable first. LORELAI: OK. Or it'll be all sparkly and exciting and you'll be standing on the dance floor listening to Tom Waits with some great-looking guy staring at you so hard that you don't even realize that Paris and Tristin have just been eaten by bears. RORY: What guy? LORELAI: I don't know -- maybe the guy who hangs out in our trees all day waiting for you to come home? RORY: Dean does not hang out in trees. LORELAI: He bashed his head on a branch last week when I came out of the house too quickly. RORY: Why do you care all of sudden if I go? LORELAI: I don't care if you go. I just don't want you to miss any experience because you're too afraid. RORY: I'm afraid? Of what? LORELAI: Of asking Dean. Of him saying 'no.' Of going to a dance with a bunch of kids who haven't accepted you yet. Of dancing in public. Of finding out you should never be dancing in public. RORY: OK, OK, I get it. LORELAI: Listen, I know you are not Miss Party Girl, and I love you for that, but sometimes I wonder -- do you not join in because you really don't want to or because you're too shy? If the reason you don't want to go is because you really don't want to go and not because you are in any way afraid, then this is the last time I'll mention it, I promise. RORY: (uncertainly) I don't have a dress. LORELAI: I could make you one. RORY: Really? LORELAI: Oh yeah. We could get some great shoes and some new earrings. You could get your hair done. RORY: You won't think I'm an idiot? LORELAI: Depends on what hairstyle you choose. This dance could be great for you. (Cut to Lane and Rory walking in the snow.) RORY: He's gonna say no. LANE: Why would he say no. RORY: Why would he say yes? LANE: Rory, listen to me. There's absolutely no point in having a boyfriend if you can't get him to go to the dance with you. RORY: He's not my boyfriend. LANE: Really? RORY: No. LANE: What is he then? RORY: He's my...gentleman caller. LANE: OK, Blanche. RORY: I don't know what he is. But he's not my boyfriend. Do you think he's my boyfriend. LANE: I think you guys spend a lot of time not kissing other people if this isn't a girlfriend/boyfriend thing. RORY: Girlfriend. LANE: You. RORY: Boyfriend. LANE: Him. RORY: No. It sounds weird. LANE: Look, have you had the talk yet? RORY: Yes, Lane, babies come from the stork. LANE: The other talk. RORY: What other other talk? LANE: "We've been dating a few weeks no. Where do we stand? What are we to each other? If another girls asks you out, do you feel free to go?" RORY: How is it that you know so much about this? LANE: Those who can, do. Those who can't, teach. (They look in the window of the market and see Dean with a customer.) LANE: There he is. RORY: I should do this later. (Rory starts to leave. Lane stops her.) LANE: No. No, you have to do this now. RORY: Why? LANE: Because I have to go home soon and my mom threw out our TV when she caught me watching V.I.P. So I'm bored and I need some entertainment. RORY: (takes a deep breath) OK. Here I go. LANE: Good luck! Oh, and Rory, remember to enunciate. I'm reading lips out here. (Rory goes into the market, leaving Lane with her face plastered to the window. Rory walks up to Dean.) RORY: Hey. DEAN: Oh, hey. RORY: You're busy. DEAN: Yeah. I just have to put the new green bean shipment on the shelves. You want to help? RORY: Yeah, sure. I, uh, I love stocking beans. DEAN: OK. Uh, follow me. RORY: So do you work on Saturdays? I forget. DEAN: Well it depends. Sometimes I come in if I don't have any plans. Why? RORY: No reason. See, there's this thing at my school on Saturday. Well it's not really at my school, it's kind of given by my school . DEAN: What is it? RORY: Well it's this thing where you go and they play music and you're supposed to get all dressed up and do some kind of dance and then there's chicken. DEAN: Chicken? RORY: Well I don't know if there's chicken. But at these kinds of things they often serve chicken because it's probably cheaper and people eat it, so the logic behind the chicken choice really isn't that bad. DEAN: I'm lost RORY: It's a dance. DEAN: Ah. RORY: And it's not like I'm dying to go or anything, but it is a new school and being a part of the social activities is really important at Chilton. DEAN: So are you asking me to go to the dance with you? RORY: No. Yes. I mean, if you wanted to go, I would go too. DEAN: Well that would probably be good since it's your school. RORY: Right. So do you want to go? DEAN: Honestly? RORY: Yeah. DEAN: I've actually never gone to a dance before. RORY: Because they're lame? DEAN: Yeah. And it's just not the way I ever wanted to spend my time. I mean, I'm not a big joiner. RORY: OK, fair enough. More beans please. (They stack beans in silence.) DEAN: You want to go, don't you? RORY: No. I don't. I have no desire to go at all. I was just thinking out loud, that's all. DEAN: So, uh, what would I have to wear? RORY: What? DEAN: To this dance. What would I have to wear? RORY: Anything you want. DEAN: Come on. RORY: No, really whatever you're comfortable in is fine. DEAN: Rory... RORY: Some sort of pants would be nice. DEAN: Rory... RORY: It's coat and tie. DEAN: Oh man. RORY: But you could probably get away with a coat and no tie. DEAN: OK RORY: Really? DEAN: Yeah. (Rory kisses Dean.) RORY: Thank you. DEAN: You're welcome. (Rory goes back outside where Lane is waiting.) (Cut to Lorelai making a dress on a dressmaker's dummy. While she's bending down, she falls over, bringing the dummy down on top of her.) LORELAI: Aaaah! (The doorbell rings.) LORELAI: Ow. (Lorelai gets up and goes to answer the door.) SOOKIE: Extra thread. LORELAI: Oh, God bless. I've been working so hard to finish Rory's dress I haven't been to get out. SOOKIE: Jeez, you are walking funny. LORELAI: I know. Rory's dress made a pass at me and I think I pulled something getting up. SOOKIE: Here, sit, sit sit. Hey, you know what, I've got an Ace bandage in my bag. I'm not sure how we can wrap it but maybe we can do something kind of creative and -- LORELAI: Sookie. Ow SOOKIE: Let's see. (Sookie pulls bottles of pills out of her purse.) LORELAI: Wow! SOOKIE: OK, I've got Percodan, Vicodin, Darvocet, and, uh...Take this one. It's a muscle relaxer. Very mild, I promise. LORELAI: Thanks. Maybe later. SOOKIE: OK. I've got to go. You sure you're going to be OK? LORELAI: I'm sure. SOOKIE: OK. LORELAI: Bye. SOOKIE: Bye. (The phone rings.) LORELAI: Yeah. EMILY: You sound terrible. LORELAI: I'm fine, Mom, I just stubbed my toe. EMILY: Maybe you should get rid of some of that clutter in your living room. LORELAI: Maybe EMILY: That room is a hazard. LORELAI: Ah, you know, I've seen the light. Everything goes. What else have you got? EMILY: I want to talk about Rory's dance. It's just killing me that she's not going. LORELAI: Uh-huh. EMILY: It may seem frivolous and silly to her now but belive me, these are the kind of experiences you regret missing later. LORELAI: OK. EMILY: And regret can make you bitter. Do you want Rory to be bitter? LORELAI: Well, sort of. EMILY: Lorelai. LORELAI: What, Mom? She can make some cash off of it. Become a crazy Oscar Levant kind of celebrity, go on talk shows, heckle Regis. EMILY: I wish you would take this seriously. LORELAI: Mom, Rory is going to the dance. EMILY: She is? LORELAI: Uh-huh. EMILY: Oh, that's wonderful. I'm thrilled. LORELAI: I'm making her dress right now. EMILY: You're making her dress? LORELAI: Yep. EMILY: But why? LORELAI: Well, so she'll look really ugly and people will point and throw rocks. EMILY: Why don't you let me buy her a dress? LORELAI: Mom, you were thrilled five seconds ago, remember? EMILY: You're not using the curtains are you? LORELAI: Mom, I gotta go. EMILY: Just one more thing. Take a picture of Rory for me, will you please? LORELAI: I will. EMILY: On the stairs. And one by the front door. And one as she's getting ready, you know, putting her hair up, putting her makeup on? LORELAI: OK, do you want one when she's shaving her legs? You know, one leg up in the tub, waving the disposable razor in the air? EMILY: This is a once in a lifetime event. You get to be there and I don't. (Lorelai lies down on the floor, trying to get comfortable.) LORELAI: Oh, boy. EMILY: I figure if I got enough pictures I could at least line them up in chronological order and pretend I was there. LORELAI: Mom. EMILY: Maybe bind them together, make a flipbook out of them. LORELAI: Mom, would you like to come over on Saturday and see Rory go to the dance? EMILY: Why, what a nice idea, I'd love that, thank you. I'll see you at 7. (Emily hangs up the phone. Lorelai sighs.) (Tristin walks up to the table where Paris is selling tickets to the Chilton Winter Formal.) PARIS: Hi, Tristin. TRISTIN: Paris. PARIS: Two, I assume. TRISTIN: You assume right. PARIS: So, who are you taking? TRISTIN: Why, are you free? PARIS: I'm, uh... TRISTIN: Nah, what am I thinking? You wouldn't be free this close to the dance. (He hands her some money and she hands him the tickets.) PARIS: Here's your change. TRISTIN: Hey, is your hair shorter? PARIS: Yeah, a quarter of an inch. TRISTIN: Really. PARIS: I got it trimmed. TRISTIN: Looks good. PARIS: Thanks. (Tristin walks down the hall to where Rory is reading while waiting in line to buy tickets.) TRISTIN: And she's reading again. How novel. RORY: Good-bye, Tristin. TRISTIN: Did you get the novel thing? Because... RORY: I said good-bye. TRISTIN: What are you doing here? RORY: I like lines. TRISTIN: The guy's supposed to buy the tickets. RORY: Really. Does Susan Faludi know about this? TRISTIN: Unless of course there is no guy. RORY: There's a guy. TRISTIN: A cheap guy. RORY: Well, what can I say? I like 'em cheap. Sloppy too -- bald spot, beer gut, you know, and the pants that kind of slip down in the back, giving you that good plumber shot. That sends me through the roof. TRISTIN: So who is he? RORY: How many languages can you say 'none of your business' in. TRISTIN: Does he go to this school? RORY: No, he doesn't. TRISTIN: Uh-huh. Well, look, OK, I'll confess something to you. I don't have a date. RORY: Well I hear Squeaky Fromme is up for parole soon. You should keep a good thought. TRISTIN: Well I actually thought you'd like to go with me. RORY: You did not. TRISTIN: I did too. RORY: You did not because you are not stupid. TRISTIN: Why thank you. RORY: Slimy and weasely, yes, but stupid, no. You'd have to be stupid to think that, given our history, I would ever, barring a piano or a safe falling on my head, want to go anywhere with you, ever. TRISTIN: OK, fine. I'll take Cissy. RORY: I'll send her a condolence card. TRISTIN: Yeah. Well at least she won't be buying her own ticket. (Tristin walks down the hall. Rory is next in line.) RORY: Two, please. PARIS: Idiot. RORY: Excuse me? PARIS: He was totally nice to you and you couldn't be a bigger jerk. RORY: You like Tristin so much, you go out with him. PARIS: I don't have enough change. RORY: Pay me later. PARIS: What am I, your Versateller? Wait for change. (yells at the boy sitting next to her) I need change! Now! (to Rory) There's no way you're going with someone better than Tristin. RORY: Whatever. PARIS: You probably don't even have a date. You're probably going to come down with some very rare form of flu that only hits losers on dance night. RORY: You know what? I don't want my change. Money makes people shallow. (Rory walks away from Paris.) PARIS: I've got your change. Hey! Hey! If you think I'm keepig this dollar, I'm not! BOY: I'll take it. PARIS: Shut up! (Saturday night. Lorelai is sitting on the couch reading a magazine.) LORELAI: (calls to Rory) Come on already! RORY: (from her room) I'm primping. LORELAI: You're 16. You have skin like a baby's ass. There's nothing to primp. RORY: OK, OK, here I come. (Rory comes into the room wearing her dress for the dance.) LORELAI: Wow. Someone hit you with a pretty stick. RORY: This dress is amazing. You outdid yourself. LORELAI: It's beautiful, babe, you look beautiful. Come here. RORY: What? LORELAI: Stray hair. RORY: Fix, please. LORELAI: Yes. Hm. I think my favorite part is the shoes. RORY: The heels hurt. LORELAI: Well, beauty is pain RORY: I'll just throw them on on my way out LORELAI: No, you should put them on now and let your feet get really numb. RORY: That's sick. LORELAI: Go get me the hair spray. RORY: OK. (Rory runs to get her shoes. The doorbell rings.) LORELAI: It's open! SOOKIE: It's me! I got tacos! LORELAI: Yay! SOOKIE: I got extra hot sauce and a couple of extra burritos to put in the fridge in case you get hungry later. LORELAI: You take such good care of me. RORY: Hey, Sookie. Look. SOOKIE: (gasps) Oh my God! You're a movie star! I'm serious. Oh my -- At some point tonight, walk down a flight of stairs. Movie stars always walk down staircases. LORELAI: OK, come on, let me spray while you try to figure out what she just said. SOOKIE: You, don't move. I got it. (Sookie points the bottle in the wrong direction and ends up spraying her eyes instead of Rory's hair.) SOOKIE: Ow! LORELAI: Sookie. SOOKIE: Wrong way! I got it. RORY: Are you OK? SOOKIE: Yeah, sweetie, hand that to your mother, and my eyelashes are all stuck together. (Sookie stag LORELAI: Honey, are you sure you're alright? SOOKIE: I'm fine. LORELAI: (to Rory) Shield the tacos. OK, ready? (Rory puts the tacos under the table and covers her eyes. Lorelai sprays her hair.) RORY: God! LORELAI: OK, that will be good for six slow dances, four medium ones, one lambada, but if you plan on doing any moshing I suggest another coat. RORY: I think I'm good. SOOKIE: Rory, sweetie, is this soap by the sink in the silver bottle? RORY: No! LORELAI: Go in there, quick. (The doorbell rings.) LORELAI: We're in here! EMILY: We're in here? That's how you answer the door? LORELAI: Well I was all out of Saran Wrap. EMILY: I don't even want to figure that one out. I just want to see my granddaughter. Where is she? LORELAI: Kitchen. EMILY: Oh, perfect. I want to be all ready for the big entrance. How's the light in here? Never mind. I'll just take one with the flash and one without to make sure we got it right. LORELAI: Wow, Mom, look at you. You'd think Anne Taylor was having a sale or something. (Emily, armed with a camera, gets into position.) EMILY: OK, Rory, come in here please. (Rory comes into the living room wearing a kitchen towel as a bib and eating a taco.) RORY: Hey, Grandma EMILY: (to Lorelai) She has lived with you too long. LORELAI: Honey, lose the bib and the taco, put your shoes on, come back out, and let Grandma take the pretty picture. RORY: OK. (Sookie comes in.) SOOKIE: I'm gonna get going. LOREAI: You are not driving. SOOKIE: I walked. (to the staircase) It was nice to see you again, Mrs. Gilmore, or at least make out your shape. LORELAI: Call in fifteen minutes or I'm sending out a search party. SOOKIE: (to the wall) And you call me if I can come over and help you up the stairs or something. LORELAI: No, I'll be fine. SOOKIE: Bye. EMILY: Why would you need help up the stairs? LORELAI: No reason. Rory, let's go, your public awaits! EMILY: Why aren't you moving? LORELAI: I'm comfortable, that's all. EMILY: Are you hurt? LORELAI: I have a little back spasm, that's it. It's no big deal. EMILY: What sort of back spasm? LORELAI: I don't know, Mom, just a normal one. EMILY: There is nothing normal about a back spasm. The very fact that it has the word spasm in it means it's not normal. LORELAI: Alright, here she is, Mom, get your camera moving. EMILY: What? Oh, my, you're gorgeous. Oh! Smile! (Emily takes several pictures of Rory.) EMILY: I'm so glad you decided to buy her a dress. (Lorelai and Rory exchange a look. A car horn sounds outside.) RORY: That's Dean! LORELAI: Hey, come here. Have an amazing time. (Rory kisses Lorelai and Emily and then Rory runs for the door.) RORY: I'll chronicle the whole evening for you, I promise. Bye, Grandma. EMILY: Where are you going? RORY: To the dance. EMILY: You do not go running out the door when a boy honks. LORELAI: Mom, it's fine. EMILY: It certainly is not fine. This is not a drive through. She's not fried chicken. RORY: But I told him to honk and I'd meet him out there. We agreed. EMILY: I don't care what you told him. If he wants to take you out, he will walk up to this door, and know, and say 'good evening,' and come inside for a moment like any civilized human being would know to do. LORELAI: Now, Mom, this is silly, I have met him already. EMILY: Well I haven't. LORELAI: Yeah, but-- EMILY: We will wait until he comes to the door. RORY: He doesn't know he's supposed to. EMILY: He will figure it out. (Rory sighs and crosses her arms. They wait in silence. A minute or so later, Dean honks again.) EMILY: He's not a very bright boy, is he? LORELAI: Mom, please. (The doorbell rings. Rory starts to run to the door.) EMILY: Don't rush. A lady never rushes. (Rory runs to the door anyway.) RORY: Hey. DEAN: Hey, uh, I thought I was supposed to honk. RORY: I know, I'm sorry. EMILY: Young man, come in here please. LORELAI: Hey, Dean, meet my mother, Emily Post. EMILY: Emily Gilmore DEAN: Hi. EMILY: Hello. LORELAI: Great rap session. Alright, you guys are out of here. Have fun. EMILY: Be home by eleven (Lorelai mouths 'twelve.') RORY: Bye Mom, by Grandma. (Rory and Dean leave.) EMILY: What do you know about this boy? LORELAI: I know that Rory likes him and that his parole officer has high hopes for his rehabilitation. EMILY: Does he drink? LORELAI: Like a fish. EMILY: That's not a crazy question. LORELAI: It is a crazy question, Mom, because if I had knowledge of him being a drinker, he would not be with Rory now. EMILY: Yes, but-- LORELAI: Mom, please relax. Dean is a good kid. Rory's gonna have a great time. You got your pictures and tomorrow I will call you and give you all the details. EMILY: What are you going to do? LORELAI: What do you mean? EMILY: Well you certainly can't be left alone. LORELAI: Yes I can. EMILY: You can barely move. You've been sitting on that couch since I got here. LORELAI: That's because this is a right comfy couch. EMILY: Maybe I should stay. LORELAI: No, no, Mom, you really don't have to do that. EMILY: I'm not leaving my daughter stranded on the couch. What if you need to get to the bathroom? LORELAI: I don't go anymore, Mom. I gave it up cold turkey. EMILY: I'm staying. LORELAI: No, Mom...Look -- I can stand, OK? (Lorelai, obviously in pain, stands slowly.) LORELAI: See? I'm up. OK, see? I'm fine. EMILY: Move. LORELAI: What? EMILY: Move. If you're fine, than move. LORELAI: I can move. This is me moving. (nothing happens) Any second now the moving will begin. (nothing happens) Rats. (Lorelai flops back on the couch.) EMILY: I'll go start some tea. Please tell me you have something besides Lipton. LORELAI: (muttering to herself) Oh, a stroke would be so good right about now. (Cut to Rory and Dean. They are in the car on the way to the dance.) RORY: Maybe we should just forget about this DEAN: OK. RORY: I mean, it's just a dance. What's the big deal? DEAN: Beats me. RORY: And these kids at my school -- awful. Have you seen The Outsiders? DEAN: Yeah, I have. RORY: Just call me Ponyboy. I heard this place is beautiful though -- old and historic. DEAN: Huh. RORY: Maybe we could just go in for a minute. DEAN: Fine. RORY: Or not. DEAN: Fine too. RORY: I don't know. Why can't I decide? This is stupid. What do you think? DEAN: I think that you look amazing. RORY: Maybe just a couple minutes won't hurt. (Cut to Lorela and Emily. Emily is on the phone. Lorelai is still on the couch.) EMILY: Yes, Marta. Just make sure everything's locked up before you leave. (pause) No, I won't be home tonight. (Lorelai groans.) EMILY: (to Lorelai) Was that a pain? LORELAI: Yes. A big one. EMILY: (to Marta) Alright. That's it. Bye. LORELAI: So, Mom, you really, really don't have to do this. EMILY: Don't be silly. I couldn't possibly leave you alone like this. LORELAI: What are you doing, Mom? EMILY: I'm trying to find the candlesticks I bought you. LORELAI: What candlesticks? EMILY: The Baccarat candlesticks I bought you last year for Christmas. I assumed you stuffed them in the back of the closet somewhere. (Lorelai sits up and looks worried.) LORELAI: Uh, well, no, I did not stuff them in the back of the closet. EMILY: Well then where are they? I don't see them out. LORELAI: (hesitantly) Well, see, we didn't actually have a...big use for the crystal candlesticks so I kind of...exchanged them. EMILY: For what? LORELAI: A monkey lamp. EMILY: Pardon me? LORELAI: It's a lamp with a bunch of monkeys on it. EMILY: Baccarat candlesticks for a moneky lamp? LORELAI: They're really, really happy monkeys, Mom. EMILY: Where is this lamp? I want to see it. LORELAI: It's right there on the desk. (Emily walks over to the lamp and looks closely at it.) EMILY: Oh my God! They're holding coconuts and leering! LORELAI: It's funny. EMILY: You traded my lovely gift for for a semi-pornographic leering monkey lamp? How could you? (Lorelai shrugs.) EMILY: This is not just about the bad breeding of returning a gift. This goes right to the heart of the question of taste. You were given something of substance and you cast it off for a ridiculous, slightly sinister barroom decoration. Explain this to me, Lorelai. (As her mother rants, Lorelai's smile turns to a frown. She sinks lower on the couch and covers herself with a blanket.) LORELAI: My back hurts. (Cut to the Chilton dance. Rory and Dean are standing near the back of the room.) RORY: Well it's a very good room. DEAN: Looks historical. RORY: I commend the person that suggested this very location. DEAN: So, we could just get our picture taken and leave. RORY: We could. DEAN: Or we could dance a little first. RORY: Yeah? DEAN: I stress a little. RORY: Something slow. DEAN: That sounds good. (Madeline and Louise are sitting at a table at the dance.) LOUISE: Can we go yet? MADELINE: We haven't even eaten dinner. LOUISE: I'm bored. MADELINE: We have to wait for Paris anyway. LOUISE: Fine. Give me your roll. MADELINE: Wow. LOUISE: What? MADELINE: Rory Gilmore. God, she's got good hair. LOUISE: Who's the dish? MADELINE: Beats me. LOUISE: He's not of the manor born, that's for sure. Let's go. (Madeline and Louise saunter over to Rory and Dean.) RORY: So, should we dance or should we sit first? LOUISE: Rory...you came. Oh, great dress. Who's it by? RORY: Lorelai Gilmore. MADELINE: You made it yourself? RORY: No, my mom made it for me. MADELINE: (impressed) She did? Really? RORY: Yeah. LOUISE: So you traveling with a bodyguard now? RORY: Oh, no. This is my -- this is Dean. Dean, this is Louise and Madeline. DEAN: Hey. MADELINE: My mom can't make anything. LOUISE: (flirting) How tall are you? DEAN: Uh... MADELINE: Soup! She can make soup! LOUISE: You know, my whole family is really tall. The men, mostly. What are you -- 6'1", 6'2"? RORY: What, does he get like a prize if he guesses? MADELINE: One kind of soup, actually. It's green, lumpy. DEAN: I'm 6'2". MADELINE: Actually, she can't make soup either. LOUISE: Six-two's a good height. DEAN: You think? LOUISE: I think. DEAN: Huh. (Dean moves behind Rory and puts his arms around her waist.) DEAN: What do you think? Too tall? RORY: Not in heels. DEAN: Good. RORY: Although the saddle shoes make it kind of difficult. DEAN: Well I'll just have to stoop then. RORY: I guess so. LOUISE: OK. I'm bored. (Louise turns and walks away.) MADELINE: I like your dress. RORY: Thanks. (Madeline follows Louise. A slow song starts as Rory turns in Dean's arms.) RORY: Hey, you're nice. DEAN: Slow song. RORY: Let's go. (Rory and Dean are about to dance when Paris and her date walk up to them.) PARIS: Rory. RORY: Paris. PARIS: I see you came. RORY: You sold me the ticket. JACOB: I'm Jacob. RORY: Hi, I'm Rory. This is Dean. DEAN: Hi. JACOB: Hi. PARIS: Excuse us. (Paris drags Jacob away.) PARIS: Those are not friends. JACOB: I was being polite. PARIS: Well don't DEAN: So, that's Paris? RORY: Yes, it is. DEAN: She seems fun. RORY: Oh, yeah, she is. DEAN: OK, so, this dancing thing is not something I want you to get used to or comment on. RORY: Now, that goes both ways. (They start to dance.) DEAN: Hey, if I kiss you is a nun gonna come out here and boot me out of here RORY: It's not a Catholic school. DEAN: So I can kiss you? RORY: Yeah, you can kiss me. (Tristin is watching Rory and Dean kissing.) CISSY: OK, I'm perfect now. TRISTIN: (without enthusiasm) Great. CISSY: You wanna dance? TRISTIN: Nope. CISSY: You wanna eat? TRISTIN: Nope. CISSY: You wanna go make out? TRISTIN: Yeah, alright, let's go. DEAN: So, Ponyboy, you happy? RORY: Yeah, I'm happy. (Cut to Lorelai and Emily.) EMILY: There you go. LORELAI: Mom, I think somebody already ate that. EMILY: That is a mashed banana on toast. LORELAI: OK. EMILY: I used to make this for you all the time when you were a little girl. LORELAI: You did? EMILY: Yes, whenever you got sick I made this. LORELAI: Are you sure it wasn't the other way around? EMILY: You don't want it. LORELAI: No, no, I want it. EMILY: I'll just take it back to the kitchen LORELAI: No, Mom, I said I want it. EMILY: Are you sure? Because I can throw it away. LORELAI: Relinquish the banana, please. Mmm. EMILY: You can't possibly be comfortable like that. LORELAI: Mother, please, this is the first position in 24 hours that that has not made me crazy. EMILY: Alright. (pause) You're not eating. LORELAI: Mom. EMILY: Yes? LORELAI: Please don't make me eat this. EMILY: You have to eat something. LORELAI: Well, Sookie left me a burrito in the fridge. EMILY: I'll go warm it up for you. LORELAI: I can eat it cold. EMILY: Oh. Fine. I'll just go get it then. LORELAI: Hot's better though. EMILY: I'll be right back. (Cut to the dance.) DEAN: OK, uh, I need something to drink. Do you want some punch? RORY: Sure. (Jacob approaches Rory when Dean goes to get their punch.) JACOB: Hi, Rory, right? RORY: Yes. JACOB: We met earlier with Paris... RORY: Yes, I remember. JACOB: Are you having a good time? RORY: Actually I am. You? JACOB: It's OK. So, was that your boyfriend? RORY: Oh. I don't know. I'm not sure. JACOB: You're not sure? RORY: We've only been going out a little while, so... JACOB: So, there's still a little room to play? RORY: What? JACOB: Would you like to dance? RORY: Oh, no thanks. JACOB: Maybe I could get your number. RORY: What for? JACOB: To call you. RORY: I'm sorry, aren't you here with Paris? JACOB: Yeah. RORY: So maybe you shouldn't be over here asking me for my number then. JACOB: Why? Paris is my cousin. RORY: Your cousin? JACOB: Yeah. RORY: Paris is your cousin? You're related? JACOB: Yeah. RORY: Jacob, it's been very nice to meet you. I hope you have a lovely evening. [SCENE_BREAK] (Cut to Lorelai and Emily watching TV.) EMILY: Oh look -- Barbara Stanwyck. I just love Barbara Stanwyck. LORELAI: Oh yeah, she's good. EMILY: She had that wonderful voice -- that husky, deep voice. I just love that voice. LORELAI: You know Mom, you have kind of a Barbara Stanwycky voice. EMILY: Oh I do not. LORELAI: I mean it. You could have gotten Fred McMurray to off Dad if you'd really wanted to. EMILY: Oh you do enjoy teasing me, don't you? LORELAI: You know, I really do. EMILY: You know, Rory looked so lovely tonight. LORELAI: She did, didn't she? EMILY: I just can't get over how she's grown up into that little woman who walked out of here. LORELAI: I know. (pause) You know what, Mom? EMILY: You did a lovely job. LORELAI: Thank you. EMILY: With Rory and the dress. LORELAI: Thank you. EMILY: Well, let me get this out of your way. You really don't remember me making this for you when you were sick? LORELAI: I don't. I'm sorry EMILY: Well I did and you loved it. LORELAI: You know what? Let me give it a try. (Lorelai bites into the toast.) LORELAI: Hmm. EMILY: Yes? LORELAI: It's even more disgusting than I thought it was going to be. EMILY: Oh it is not. (Emily takes a bite and makes a face.) EMILY: Oh my God, it's horrible! What on earth was I thinking? (Cut to the dance.) DEAN: So, uh, you want to maybe go? RORY: You're bored. I'm sorry. Yeah, let's go, right away. DEAN: I'm not bored. I thought, you know, there's still a little time left, maybe we could get a cup of coffee somewhere, hang out a little, talk a walk. You know, just us. RORY: That'd be nice. DEAN: No, you stay. I'll get the coats. (After Dean leaves, Paris walks up to Rory sitting at the table and leans into her.) PARIS: So. How many people have you told? Four? Five? Everybody? RORY: What are you talking about? PARIS: You know that Jacob is my cousin and now you finally have all the ammunition to pay me back, right? (The people nearby are starting to stare.) RORY: I don't want to pay you back. I just want to get awy from you. PARIS: (voice gets increasingly louder) Now you can just go all over the school and just tell everybody that Paris Geller couldn't get a date to the dance. That she had no one and since she couldn't just not come, she had to get her mother to ask her cousin Jacob to take and then she had to give him gas money to make him do it. Go ahead! Tell them! RORY: I don't have to. You just did. (Paris and Rory look around. Everyone has stopped dancing and is listening to them. Paris walks away.) (Dean is returning with the coats.) TRISTIN: You know, we haven't met. DEAN: No, we haven't. TRISTIN: I'm Tristin. DEAN: Ah, yes we have. TRISTIN: What are you talking about? DEAN: Rory's mentioned you. TRISTIN: Oh yeah? DEAN: Yeah. I wouldn't get quite so excited about it. TRISTIN: Oh, why, did she say something mean? DEAN: She said you're a jackass. TRISTIN: Really? DEAN: Actually, no, Rory doesn't use words like that. I embellished a little. TRISTIN: Oh so you're the big strong protector? Little princess needs a protector? DEAN: What's your problem, man? TRISTIN: Nothing. Just don't like your girlfriend, that's all. DEAN: Really? Doesn't look that way to me. TRISTIN: I don't really care how it looks to you. DEAN: Hey. You got in my path, not the other way around. (Dean starts to walk away. Tristin steps in his way.) DEAN: You're kiding right? TRISTIN: Why, are you going somewhere? DEAN: Get out of my way Dristan. TRISTIN: Oh, aren't you clever. (Rory steps between them.) RORY: Hey, what's going on? TRISTIN: Nothing. Just getting to know your boyfriend here. DEAN: It's going really well, don't you think? TRISTIN: Oh yeah. We're just about to build a clubhouse. RORY: OK. Well I hate to break up the party, but we should go. TRISTIN: Oh, why? Little girl's got to be home? DEAN: Stop. TRISTIN: No, I think you two make a very cute couple. Is your horse and buggy parked outside? Got to get home for the barn raising? DEAN: Let's go. (Dean and Rory start to walk away. Tristin steps in front of Rory. Dean shoves Tristin. People around them stop dancing and start watching the two guys.) DEAN: What the hell do you think you're doing? TRISTIN: OK, you will not push me again. DEAN: Are you seriously trying to act tough? You're wearing a tie for God's sake. TRISTIN: Outside! Now! (The music stops abruptly.) DEAN: I'm not fighting you. It'd be like fighting an accountant. I'll call you when I need my taxes done. (Tristin lunges for Dean. It takes a few other boys and a man to separate them.) DEAN: You don't want to fight me Tristin! TRISTIN: Why not? DEAN: 'Cause I'll kill you, idiot! Come on, Rory, let's go. (As Rory and Dean walk away, Tristin breaks free from the people holding him back. Dean turns around and gets in his face.) DEAN: You will not come near her. Ever again. (Dean and Rory leave.) MADELINE: Wow. That was good. LOUISE: Whatever. (Paris runs up to Tristin.) PARIS: Are you OK? (Tristin keeps walking.) LOUISE: Did you really bring your cousin? (Paris walks off.) (Cut to Lorelai's house. Lorelai is sleeping on the couch. Emily is still watching TV. She reaches over for the remote control.) LORELAI: (sleepy) What are you doing? EMILY: Go to sleep. LORELAI: The movie's not over. EMILY: I'll tell you how it ends. (Emily tucks Lorelai's hair behind her ear and covers her with a blanket.) LORELAI: Thank you, Mommy. (Emily sits in a chair to read.) (Cut to Rory and Dean walking outdoors in Stars Hollow.) DEAN: That was quite a dance. RORY: I seriously don't know what got into him. DEAN: I do. RORY: What? DEAN: He has a thing for you. RORY: No he doesn't. It's just a game to him or something. DEAN: He has a thing for you. RORY: He does nothing but insult me and make me miserable. DEAN: He has a thing for you. RORY: I don't know how I feel about this whole situation. DEAN: What do you mean? RORY: I don't know...having my boyfriend defend my honor. It's weird. DEAN: Uh, boyfriend? RORY: What? DEAN: You said 'boyfriend.' RORY: No! I just meant boyfriend in the sense that the whole defending me thing was very boyfriendy, but only in the broadest sense of the word, which doesn't even apply at all here. DEAN: You are seriously babbling. RORY: I didn't mean that you're my boyfriend. DEAN: OK. RORY: I don't think you're my boyfriend. DEAN: OK. (pause) RORY: Dean? DEAN: What? RORY: Are you my boyfriend? DEAN: In the broadest sense of the word way? RORY: No, in the real, 'hi this is Dean, my boyfriend' kind of way. DEAN: Well I am if you want me to be. RORY: I do. DEAN: OK. RORY: So it's settled. DEAN: Yes it is. RORY: You're my boyfriend. DEAN: That's the consensus. RORY: I'm feeling pretty good about this decision. (The door to Miss Patty's dance studio is open.) RORY: I guess Miss Patty forgot to lock up. DEAN: I've never really seen in here before. (They're inside, looking at the pictures on the walls.) DEAN: Are all these women really Miss Patty? RORY: Yep. She said she's done everything there is to do in show business except set fire to the hoop the dog jumps through. (Rory drops her purse.) DEAN: I'll get it. God, this weighs a ton. What do you have in here? RORY: I don't know. A lipstick, five dollar bill. Gum, hair spray, a book. DEAN: A book? RORY: Yeah. DEAN: You brought a book to the dance? RORY: Yeah. DEAN: You thought there'd be a lot of downtime? RORY: No. I just take a book with me everywhere. It's just habit. DEAN: So, uh, what are you reading? RORY: The Portable Dorothy Parker. (She shows him the book.) DEAN: (reading) 'There's little in taking or giving. There's little in water or wine. This living, this living, this living, Was never a project of mine.' Cheery. (They settle into a comfortable chair together.) RORY: Funny though. (pause) Hey -- DEAN: What? RORY: Thank you for tonight. It was perfect. DEAN: You're welcome. (They kiss then continue to look at the book.) (Time lapse. They've fallen asleep.) (Time lapse. They're still asleep. Miss Patty and a large group of women come into the dance studio.) MISS PATTY: OK, ladies. Grab your yoga mats. WOMAN: I don't think I'll ever get warm again. (The women gather around Rory and Dean.) WOMAN: (shocked) Oh, my goodness! It's Lorelai's girl! WOMAN #2: Patty! Rory Gilmore is here! MISS PATTY: What? WOMAN: She's over here. Asleep with the bag boy from the market. WOMAN #2: What are we supposed to do? MISS PATTY: Rory, honey. It's Miss Patty. Rory? Rory, what are you doing here? RORY: Miss Patty? MISS PATTY: Yes. have you been here all night? RORY: Oh no! Dean wake up. DEAN: What time is it? MISS PATTY: It's 5:30 in the morning. RORY: Oh my God! We fell asleep. How could we have fallen asleep? DEAN: Calm down, I'll explain it to your mom. RORY: (hysterical) Where's my purse? Where's my purse? DEAN: I got it. Relax. RORY: I have to go. (Rory runs out.) DEAN: Rory! (runs after her) Wait up! RORY: I have to go. DEAN: I'm going with you. We'll explain. It'll be OK. RORY: No you can't come with me. You shouldn't be anywhere near my house right now. DEAN: It's not our fault. RORY: I know. I just have to get home. DEAN: Look, please, please let me come with you. RORY: No! DEAN: Rory -- RORY: I have to go home. (Rory runs down the street towards home. Dean lets her go.) (Cut to Lorelai's house. Emily is shaking Lorelai awake.) EMILY: Lorelai! Get up. Now. Right now! LORELAI: What? EMILY: Rory's not home! LORELAI: Rory's what? EMILY: I sat in that chair all night and I dozed off for one second and the next thing I know it's 5:30 and she's not here. LORELAI: Rory? EMILY: She's not there. Aren't you listening? LORELAI: (panicked) Rory? Rory? EMILY: Where's the phone? Call the police. (Lorelai looks around.) EMILY: What are you doing? Call the police! Call the police! LORELAI: Mom, stop it! EMILY: What are you doing? LORELAI: I'm looking for the phone. What do you think I'm doing? EMILY: Why don't you ever clean up around here? This is an emergency and you can't even find the phone. What if there was a fire? What if Rory was choking? LORELAI: Mom, stop yelling! EMILY: Rory is missing! LORELAI: I know that and your yelling is not helping me! (They continue looking for the phone. It rings) LORELAI: Rory? (pause) Oh, Patty. (pause) What? (pause) OK. (pause) Thanks. (pause) No, than you so much. (pause) OK Bye-bye. (hangs up) Rory's OK. EMILY: Where is she? What happened? LORELAI: She and Dean were at Miss Patty's. EMILY: What is that, a motel? LORELAI: Um, it's a dance studio. That was Patty. She said that she found them asleep and woke them up and Rory's on her way home. EMILY: In what state were they found in? LORELAI: She didn't say, OK. Let's just try to be calm until we know what happened. EMILY: What do you mean 'until we know what happened'? We know what happened. LORELAI: No we don't. EMILY: They were out all night! LORELAI: I'm gonna make some coffee. EMILY: Lorelai Gilmore, I've watched you do a lot of stupid things in your life and I have held my tongue. LORELAI: (laughs) You've what? EMILY: But I will not stand by and let you allow that girl to ruin her life. LORELAI: Mom -- back off. EMILY: She spent the night out with that boy, the one you let her run off to that dance with. LORELAI: Mom, so help me God, I will not get into this with you. EMILY: She's doing the same thing you did. LORELAI: No she's not. EMILY: She's going to get pregnant. LORELAI: No she's not. EMILY: She's gonna ruin everything just like you did. LORELAI: No she's not! No she's not! No she's not! Rory is a good kid, Mom! She's not me. EMILY: What kind of mother are you to allow this to happen to her? LORELAI: Oh, I don't know, Mom. What kind of mother were you? EMILY: You're going to lose her. You're going to lose her just like I lost you. LORELAI: I am not going to lose her. Do you hear me? Even if I hadn't gotten pregnant, you still would have lost me. I had nothing in that house. I had no life. I had no air. You strangled me. I do not strangle Rory. EMILY: Oh you're so perfect and I was so horrible. I put you in good schools. I gave you the best of everything. I made sure you had the finest opportunities. And I am so tired of hearing about how you were suffocated and I was so controlling. Well if I was so controlling why couldn't I control you running around getting pregnant and throwing your life away. LORELAI: Get out! EMILY: What? LORELAI: You will not come into my house and tell me I threw my life away. Look around, Mom. This is a life. It has a little color in it so it may look a little unfamiliar to you, but it's a life. And if I hadn't gotten pregnant I wouldn't have Rory. (Rory sneaks in the front door and hides by the stairs.) EMILY: You know that's not what I meant. LORELAI: Maybe I was some horrible uncontrollable child like you say, but Rory isn't. She's smart and careful and I trust her and she's gonna be fine and if you can't accept that or believe it, then I don't want you in this house! (Emily walks out and slams the door. Rory creeps into the kitchen.) RORY: Mom, thank you for saying all those -- LORELAI: What were you thinking? Staying out all night! Are you insane? RORY: I'm sorry. It was an accident. LORELAI: You're talking to the queen of staying out all night. I invented the concept! This is no accident! You can't do this! Period. RORY: Nothing happened! LORELAI: Do you have any idea what it's like to wake up with my mother here and find out that you never came home? RORY: So all this is about Grandma being here. LORELAI: No, it's about the feeling of complete terror when your kid isn't in her bed in the morning. RORY: I'm sorry. LOREAI: And then it's about a whole different kind of terror when you find out that she spent the night with some guy. RORY: I didn't spend the night with him. We fell asleep. LORELAI: You are going on the pill. RORY: What? LORELAI: You're not getting pregnant. RORY: I'm not sleeping with Dean. LORELAI: Dammit! RORY: What happened to all that stuff you said to Grandma What happened to trusting me? Where did all that go? LORELAI: I think it's back on Patty's yoga mats. RORY: This is crap! You know I didn't do anything. You know this is an accident. You're just mad because I screwed up and I did it in front of Grandma and she nailed you for it. Well I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I screwed up and I'm sorry that you got yelled at, but I didn't do anything and you know it! (Rory goes into her room and slams the door. Lorelai sits at the kitchen table and cries.)

Chilton hosts a dance, which Rory and Dean attend, thus confirming they are "boyfriend-girlfriend". Emily sleeps over at Lorelai's the night of the dance to care for Lorelai's injured back and see Rory off. After the dance, Rory and Dean accidentally fall asleep all night at Miss Patty's dance school. Emily and Lorelai wake up in a panic and fight over whether Rory will end up pregnant. Insisting Rory is a "good kid," Lorelai kicks Emily out. Rory arrives home at 5 a.m. and Lorelai plans to put her on the pill. Rory tearfully apologizes, but also accuses her mother for being so mad only because Emily was there to witness the mishap.

fd_The_O.C._03x15

fd_The_O.C._03x15_0

Opening scene - Cohen family room - Seth, Summer and Ryan are sitting together on the couch, Marissa is nearby in a chair. they all seem very worried and pre occupied Summer: ...well you know what they say no news is good news Seth: I'm not sure it's true about severe head injuries Marissa: we should'a stayed at the hospital Ryan: nothin we could do there (Marissa closes her eyes) doctors told us to go home (raises eyebrows) sleep eat Marissa: yeah except (rests head on hand) I cant sleep an I'm definitely not hungry (Kirsten and Sandy walk in, in their robes, carrying food) Kirsten: hungry (puts bowl down on the coffee table) Sandy: come on everyone needs ta eat, your friend Johnny's gonna need you when he wakes up Marissa: (looks at Sandy) if he wakes up Ryan: Marissa (looks away) Marissa: you were there Ryan: (looks at Marissa) yeah I was (Seth and Summer look over at Ryan/Marissa. worried. Marissa looks at Ryan and then down) Summer: you guys he's probably gonna be fine (Seth looks at her) Trey was unconscious for like months an he was fine, he was shot (Marissa doesn't look convinced or comforted) Seth: yeah we waited around like this once before after a certain OD in TJ (Ryan looks over at Marissa) Marissa: I'm gonna um go check on Kaitlin (stands) in the pool house (Marissa goes outside. Sandy looks at Ryan worriedly) Sandy: how're you doin Ryan Ryan: she's right, I mean the way the doctors were talking you could tell, they didn't wanna get our hopes up Summer: yeah well doctors are idiots Seth: you tell that to your dad Summer: it's their job to be negative, its called managing expectations, that's why it's our job (shrugs) ta be positive (we hear a cell phone ring and the camera pans down to show it sitting on the table. Ryan leans forward and picks it up to look at who is calling) Ryan: Johnny's mom (looks at Seth/Summer) Seth: d'you think you ought'a (motions with hand) Ryan: I don't know, I don't know Sandy: d'you want me to Ryan: no no it's alright (stands) (Ryan sighs and then answers the phone as he walks towards the door) Ryan: Mrs. Harper, hey it's Ryan (Ryan suddenly starts walking slower and we can tell something isn't right. Ryan looks up towards the pool house just as Marissa comes out. she stops suddenly and looks at Ryan as he hangs up. Marissa looks at him with a very helpless and sad look, as if she knows without him having to say anything. Ryan rushes over to Marissa as tears start to well. he pulls her to him and she buries her head in his shoulder, aww. we then see that Seth, Summer, Kirsten and Sandy are standing near the door watching. Summer sadly rests her head on Seth's shoulder/chest and Kirsten touches Sandy's shoulder. we hear the sound of a door opening and then see a close up of Ryan rubbing Marissa's back. we then see Kaitlin walk out of the pool house in a Berkeley sweatshirt, she looks at Ryan and Marissa) Kaitlin: what happened (Ryan looks at Kaitlin. Kaitlin frowns) Theme song - California by Phantom Planet Johnny's house - the first thing we see is a guy surfing which then fades to a shot of Marissa outside of Johnny's house. she stops and looks towards the house, then walks to the front door and knocks. inside we see Dennis walking towards the door and then he opens it Marissa: hey Dennis: thanks for comin by Marissa: I'm glad you called (Dennis motions for Marissa to go in. Marissa goes in and shuts the door behind her. Dennis goes to the kitchen where there is a teapot on the stove. Marissa follows him) Marissa: where's Gwen Dennis: I finally got her to lie down an she-she started talkin about the funeral an just lost it you know Marissa: well what'does she wanna do Dennis: who knows, she said no priest (sighs) no body nothing depressing, I mean it's a funeral you know isn't it suppose'ta be depressing Marissa: well (raises eyebrows) I mean we could do something during the day, you know maybe by the water (shrugs) no one allowed to wear black Dennis: or shoes (Marissa half smiles and nods) it sounds like what he'd wanna do (Marissa nods) I gotta take this to Mrs. H Marissa: hey ill do it (takes cup) Dennis: thanks CUT TO: Cohen kitchen - Ryan is at the fridge and Seth it sitting at the end of counter Ryan: doesn't seem real man Seth: well listen man you can't blame yourself, you tried Ryan: (shuts fridge) yeah an I failed Seth: well, don't beat yourself up, Ryan Atwood versus himself's (frowns) a very ugly cage match Ryan: I'm gonna shower, try an get some sleep (starts to leave) Seth: (looks over) so I guess you wont have'ta worry about Johnny (Ryan looks at him) coming between you an Marissa anymore...is (holds up paper) sudoku, fun to say fun ta do (Ryan looks at him) too soon, ok (looks back at the paper) (Ryan leaves) Seth: (to himself) too soon (sighs) CUT TO: The beach - we see Julie and Kirsten walking together down the far end of the beach, further up alot of people are helping set up for a Valentines Day dance Kirsten: it just...feels wrong, the kids are going through this awful thing an we're planning a Valentines Day dance Julie: all the more reason for them ta focus on something good (looks at Kirsten) I mean its-its not like we can cancel this dance now if we wanted to, although (stops walking) the thought had crossed my mind Kirsten: (looks at Julie) he hasn't asked you Julie: who, Dr. Neil Roberts, why no he hasn't (almost disappointed) d'you think he has plans with someone else Kirsten: no Julie: that I'm not Valentine material Kirsten: Julie Julie: that I'm just a fun hang not worthy of chocolates, flowers an nice underwear Kirsten: well Sandy's no fan of Valentines Day either, so I guess we should just concentrate on hosting a great event (Julie nods) an we'll worry about our love lives when it's over Julie: or I could invent a fake reason to go to his house an fish for information Kirsten: Julie, last time you went on a stealth mission you toppled a desert tray (walks away) Julie: (calls) yeah but it got his attention CUT TO: Johnny's house - we see a glimpse of a cab, girl's feet and a brown bag. the camera pans up to show a young woman and the cab driver Driver: here you go Sadie: thankyou (the next thing we see is Marissa coming out of Johnny's house. Sadie picks up the bag and walks towards the house) Sadie: hi, are you a friend'a Johnny's (Marissa looks at her and nods) I'm his cousin, Sadie Marissa: hi, I'm glad your here Sadie: my mom thought it would be a good idea if I came down here an stay with my aunt for a while, how's she doing Marissa: (looks towards the house then back at Sadie) not so good, you know but finally sleeping Sadie: you look like you could use a few hours yourself Marissa: oh I'm (touches head almost embarrassedly) I'm ok Sadie: yeah Marissa: yeah, I should probably go I just got alotta stuff to do (walks away) Sadie: hey are you Marissa Marissa: (looks at Sadie) yeah Sadie: well I wish it was under better circumstances (raises eyebrows) but um it's nice to finally meet you Marissa: (looks at Sadie) you too (Sadie walks towards the front door and Marissa watches her before leaving) CUT TO: The trailer - we see Kaitlin lying on the couch looking very down, we then hear a knock at the door. Kaitlin gets up slowly and opens it. Justin is standing there Kaitlin: Justin, what're you doing here Justin: winter break is almost over (smiles) I thought you might want a ride back to school Kaitlin: should've saved your gas money Justin: it's a hybrid (looks at the car) gets pretty good mileage so uh (looks back at Kaitlin) gas isn't an issue Kaitlin: last time you came to town you wanted me arrested Justin: that was my brother and I was thinking uh I was hoping that we could talk (Kaitlin looks at him) about our relationship Kaitlin: our relationship (Justin slightly nods) (goes to shut door) today's not a good day Justin: is there another day that will be better Kaitlin: I want you to leave (raises eyebrows) right now (closes door) Justin: (worried, frowns) Kaitlin are you ok (Justin is frustrated. inside we hear a smash and a groan from Kaitlin. Justin now looks worried) CUT TO: The Newport Group - Sandy is on the phone Sandy: ill see you then, thanks (hangs up) (we see Matt in the doorway, he knocks on the side. Sandy looks over) Matt: hey boss Sandy: hey Matt: you wanted to see me Sandy: yeah I jus got off the phone with Dr Griffin an he told me that the board has vetted the Breyer proposal (raises eyebrows) an there ready to put a whole in the ground but I'm gonna meet with them one more time, d'you think you could call Mia (Matt looks at him) I mean with a few caveats Matt: name em Sandy: don't lie, don't uh don't lead her on Matt: that's not a problem, I mean the reason I went out with her when she called is actually, I really like her Sandy: ooooh boy likes girl, girl has access to influential father, boys boss needs to close a deal, has all the makings of a great romance, I'm glad you like her (smiles) Matt: yeah well ill give her a call, let you know (Matt starts to leave as Marissa comes in. she looks awful) Matt: hey Marissa Marissa: hi Sandy: Marissa (Sandy hugs Marissa. aww) Sandy: how you holdin up Marissa: I'm ok...I was wondering, there's all these forms from the hospital an...well (Sandy listens) Johnny's mom can't really deal right now, it doesn't need a lawyer or anything but- Matt: you know what (Marissa looks over) I actually know just the guy for the job, I'm practically majored in paperwork Marissa: (looks at Matt) are you sure you don't mind (Matt nods) Sandy: well when it comes to mind numbing bureaucratic busy work Matt is an ace Matt: an here I thought you never noticed Marissa: alright well uh I should get home, you know shower I've been in these clothes since you don't wanna know when (starts to leave) Sandy: I think your doin great kiddo (Marissa looks at Sandy, nods) Marissa: thanks CUT TO: Seth's bedroom - Summer knocks and walks in Seth: (looks up) oh hey (shuts laptop) Summer: hey what're you doing Seth: uhhh (thinking sound) nothin Summer: (sits on the edge of the bed) well, well if its nothing then you wont mind me looking right (opens laptop, frowns) that's not p0rn Seth: (almost cringes) its a list of my Yakuza DVDs sorted alphabetically by title an also by director (Summer looks at him) making my inventories is sorta one'a those things kinda like m*st*rb*t*ng or flossing my teeth where even though you know I do it id just rather you not witness it Summer: Cohen (Seth looks at her) I found something in your drawer Seth: (looks away then at Summer) your not mad Summer: (matter of factly) oh no, I'm mad, I'm livid (Seth nods) not about the pot because I mean whatever its pot right an while Marissa an I were hot boxing Luke's car you were at home making a manger over Captain Oats outta linkin logs so you were a late bloomer an I get that but Cohen, you lied to me for like the gazillionth time about something important Seth: well Summer I don't know what I can do except say I'm not gonna lie again an then...not lie, you just have'ta trust me Summer: yeah well I don't (raises eyebrows) so you better think of something else (Summer leaves and Seth looks disappointed) CUT TO: The trailer - Marissa is in the kitchen and notices a broken crock pot Marissa: (frowns) what happened ta the crock pot (Kaitlin comes into the kitchen) Kaitlin: it broke (Ryan comes in) Ryan: (to Kaitlin) hey (to Marissa) hey Marissa: hi Ryan: hi (kisses Marissa) Kaitlin: let me give you guys some privacy Ryan: that's alright you don't- (Kaitlin leaves) have'ta leave Marissa: I've tried talkin to her (we hear a cell phone ring) Ryan: (sighs) well give her some time, how you doin Marissa: you know (looks at phone, answers) hi Mrs. Harper...uh sorry (frowns) hi...y-yeah I guess, sure CUT TO: The diner - we see Sadie sitting in a booth by herself. Marissa comes in and goes over to her Marissa: hi (sits across from Sadie) Sadie: hey (smiles) thanks for meeting me Marissa: sure, no problem, so uh you visiting Sadie: yeah, from Ashlyn, Oregon Marissa: are you taking some time off school or Sadie: no actually I just graduated I um (touches necklace) I started my own little jewelry making business so I've jus been traveling (Marissa nods) tryin'a get stores to carry my stuff Marissa: you know I really need to be with my boyfriend right now (frowns) Sadie: (looks at Marissa confused) your boyfriend Marissa: yeah, Ryan, he was with me, with Johnny when it happened Sadie: oh yeah my aunt mentioned that there was another kid there I just thought um (closes eyes) this is really awkward, I thought that Johnny was your boyfriend Marissa: why would you think that Sadie: because last week he called me an he asked me if I would make something for you for Valentines Day (Marissa looks at her) here I brought it with me (Sadie pulls out a necklace with an angel pendant, and a few symbolic stones) Sadie: that there is your birthstone an that's his, an in the middle there's an angel Marissa: (takes necklace and looks at it) an angel Sadie: yeah (smiles) he was afraid you might think it was cheesy but, he said that's what you were to him (Marissa looks at the necklace sadly, then at Sadie) CUT TO: The beach - its Johnny's funeral. there are alot of people on the sand beside the water. there is like an aisle made out of a line of surfboards either side and people are standing between the surfboards. towards the front there is an altar on the sand with alot flowers and things and another surfboard. the next thing we see is a girl signing a surfboard with a leigh on it, there are a few different messages already on there. then we see Summer and Marissa putting flowers down on the altar with the rest of them. Marissa walks away and then we see Dennis walk over to where Summer, Seth, Ryan and Marissa are standing together. Summer touches Dennis' chest comfortingly. Dennis looks over at Marissa, Marissa looks at him. we then see Gwen and Sadie walking towards the altar together, they stop briefly and Gwen looks over at Marissa, Marissa looks at her and then down. Gwen and Sadie keep walking. we see a close up of Ryan then of Marissa. the shot changes and we see Ryan and Marissa's hands just as Ryan takes hers in his, aww. we then see Gwen placing flowers down with the rest of them. someone puts their hand on her back comfortingly. Sadie: Johnny an I were pretty close growing up, a couple years ago... Gwen covers her mouth with her hand, overwhelmed. we see another shot of Dennis, Summer, Seth, Ryan and Marissa watching sadly. Sadie is standing at the front near the flowers talking about Johnny) Sadie: Johnny had this pair of power ranger pajamas that he absolutely refused to take off I mean (Marissa laughs) he would literally wake up an in the morning an put his clothes on top of his pajamas an go about his day wearing his two layers of clothing... (we see Gwen looking completely lost while Sadie talkes, and then a shot of Volchok smoking near his van, watching the funeral from afar. this changes to Dennis and another guy carrying Johnny's signed surfboard towards the water. we then see everyone leaving the beach. Volchok is still by his van. Marissa and Ryan are at the range rover. Volchok looks over at Ryan) Marissa: Ryan (Ryan looks) there's Kaitlin (we see Kaitlin sitting by herself on some rocks near the water) Marissa: I should probably Ryan: no, it's alright let me (Marissa opens the car door and Ryan goes over to Kaitlin) Ryan: hey (Kaitlin looks) what're you doin up here alone (sits) Kaitlin: well what am I suppose'ta do, just go down there an introduce myself, hey I'm Kaitlin, the girl who killed him Ryan: you didn't make him climb that rock (shakes head) an you didn't make him fall Kaitlin: that's right (looks at Ryan) that was you Ryan: (looks away then back at Kaitlin) you know what, I'm not gonna do this with you (stands)everybody's upset, come on (holds hand out) Kaitlin: no you know what Ryan (stands without Ryan's help) we can't fix this, so just save the speeches for my sister alright (leaves) (Ryan watches Kaitlin) CUT TO: Cohen kitchen - Sandy and Matt walk in together in sports gear, Matt is also holding a basketball Sandy: alright, here ya go (holds out money) this is your fourth quarter bonus by the way (Matt smiles) an next time I pick the sport...hey, did you ever get in touch with Mia Matt: (scoffs) yeah, but I kinda wish I didn't (Sandy looks at him) you see when I didn't call her back she took that as a sign'a my lack of interest an well she's a smart girl an now she's an angry one too (laughs) (Kirsten comes in, on the phone) Kirsten: it's not a typo I need ten thousand cinnamon hearts an please don't make them stale, thanks (hangs up) Sandy: hey honey, are the kids home Kirsten: no, there on there way ta the Bait Shop for the wake (smiles) hey Matt how's it goin Matt: woman troubles Kirsten: oh, well, maybe I can play cupid Sandy: (looks at Kirsten) that's a great idea Kirsten: really Sandy, an what is it that you say about Valentines Day that it's vacuous, a commercially driven hollow shell of a holiday (looks at Sandy) Sandy: (looks down) well sometimes we all need a little vacuous commercially driven diversion (looks at Kirsten) an this would be one'a those times Kirsten: (smiles) mm (to Matt) what her name, ill have a ticket to the party delivered Matt: it's Mia Griffin Kirsten: (raises eyebrows) who's fathers the head of the physicians board, oh I don't know Sandy: if anybody can do it you can Kirsten: this girl doesn't need my help getting a date, it'll never work Matt: (puts hand up) you know what, Kirsten, don't worry about it I'm sure that we can come up with somethin else (leaves) Kirsten: (moves closer to Sandy) ill get Mia to the party, if you try an embrace the holiday, no whining no snarky comments, candies, candles, lingerie nice lingerie, nothing red (thinks) see through or (squints) remotely edible Sandy: not even a little see through CUT TO: The Bait Shop - there is a huge screen set up with surfing footage on it. there is also a surfboard lying on the top of the bar frame, we then see Seth and Ryan at the bar together Seth: death an Valentines Day there's an unbeatable combination Ryan: yeah an this is the first one where Marissa an I are actually together (looks at Seth) (nods) should be all time Seth: pressures on for me ta deliver, Summer found my stash Ryan: (frowns) you don't have any visible bruises she uh she go for the kidneys Seth: I wish (shakes head) (we now see Marissa and Summer sitting together) Summer: you an Atwood make V Day plans Marissa: (looks at Summer) actually we haven't even talked about it Summer: really, it's the first Valentines Day that you guys aren't fighting or kissing another girl (shrugs) I mean it could be special Marissa: (looks at Summer) this is special (Summer looks at her skeptically) all I'm saying is Valentines Day might be cancelled this year (Summer frowns at Marissa. we then see Volchok, he sees Sadie standing alone against the railing up the top, then goes over to her) Volchok: hey Sadie Sadie: (looks then looks away) what'do you want Volchok: I just wanna see how your doin (Sadie half laughs) I mean it ok Sadie: when was the last time you meant anything you said (Ryan walks over) Ryan: is there a problem here Volchok: hey man Ryan: this is a private party Sadie: its ok he was just leaving Volchok: yeah (leaves) Ryan: so you know him Sadie: use to Ryan: (nods) Sadie right (Sadie nods) (nods) I liked what you said at the beach today Sadie: thanks, speaking at funerals is something of a specialty, not that its anything to brag about Ryan: no one close to me has ever...ever died Sadie: really Ryan: mm Sadie: feels like everyone close to me has (looks at Ryan) I mean not everyone but my dad, cancer when I fourteen (Ryan listens) my dog rocky like a month after that, my bestfriend last summer Ryan: I'm sorry (Sadie looks at him) for your cousin too (nods) Sadie: I see that (Ryan looks at her) it's a funeral, people say sorry before they say hello (nods) but you really are so thankyou (Ryan nods) (Marissa comes over) Marissa: Ryan there you are Ryan: hey Sadie: hey Marissa Marissa: hi (to Ryan) so uh Seth an Summer were looking for you at the car, you ready to go Ryan: yeah yeah sure (to Sadie) so uhh maybe we'll see you again before you leave Sadie: sure (smiles) (Marissa and Ryan leave. Sadie watches and then looks as though she's thinking) CUT TO: Roberts house - Julie and Neil are inside together Julie: yes well I-I think I might've left it somewhere around here at Kaitlin's birthday party Neil: well I haven't seen a cake knife anywhere, not that id know what a cake knife looks like (looks at Julie) and are you really going to be baking, don't you have your Valentines party tomorrow night Julie: frankly Neil, I'm suprised you remembered about my little dance or Valentines Day (Neil looks at her) so are you working this weekend on call, your such a busy man Neil: no I-I I thought that id stay in an catch up on some reading Julie: oh, because your behind on work, there must be new techniques developed every day (winks) gotta keep up Neil: oh I thought I would get inta the Da Vinci code (Julie looks at him shocked) have you read it Julie: ...I'm waiting for the movie (smiles) well, I don't see that knife anywhere uh spose I should be going Neil: well, its always good to see you Julie (Julie looks disappointed) ill see you out Julie: it's ok uh I-I I know the way (leaves) CUT TO: The trailer park - we see Kaitlin walking to the trailer, and then we see Justin waiting by his car Justin: (notices Kaitlin) hey (Kaitlin looks but doesn't say anything, Justin rushes over with a gift bag in his hand) Justin: happy Valentines Day (Kaitlin looks at Justin and then takes the bag from him) Justin: I figured you could use something to hug (Kaitlin pulls out a cute little teddy bear with a red ribbon around its neck. she glances at Justin) Justin: or at least if you throw him he wont break (Kaitlin half smiles then sits down, holding the teddy in front of her on the table) Justin: trouble at home Kaitlin: shockingly no, it's a boy (Justin sits) I mean, not like that (Justin looks at her) he...he died (Justin looks stunned) an I was with him...and sort of helped it happen Justin: what'do you mean Kaitlin: we went to the beach (raises eyebrows) drinking, a bonfire, I thought it'd be fun (Justin listens) but he was really messed up...an by the time I called for help it was too late...(sighs) he slipped, fell on some rocks Justin: then it was an accident Kaitlin: yeah but accidents don't just happen, people let them happen (Justin looks at Kaitlin, Kaitlin looks at him and then away) Justin: I understand why it probably feels that way, but I'm sure if he were here he'd be the first to take responsibility and he'd...thank you for trying to help him (Kaitlin looks as though she's thinking) Kaitlin: you're like an adult (smiles) Justin: my parents are therapists (smiles) there annoying but pretty smart Kaitlin: well, thankyou (stands) (Justin stands) so I will see you back in Santa Barbara (puts teddy back in the bag) Justin: yeah Kaitlin: ok Justin: (waves) bye (Kaitlin goes inside. Justin heads back over to his car and does a happy dance at the same time, you know the type when a guy is excited about something. he does a little spin and clicks his fingers etc. inside Kaitlin notices Justin doing his little dance through the window and watches him) Kaitlin: dude I can totally see you Justin: (looks at Kaitlin) dude, right (Kaitlin laughs, Justin stops dancing and goes to his car almost embarrassed, we then see Kaitlin again and the smile goes and she looks sad again) CUT TO: Cohen kitchen - Sandy is in there by himself looking at a lingerie catalog. Seth, Summer, Ryan and Marissa come in Sandy: hey (Seth does a little wave) how was the uh how was the memorial Seth: can we talk about somethin else like why're you reading the Victoria secret catalog Summer: you know what speaking of underwear (screws up face) I think I have sand in mine ugh (Summer leaves the kitchen and Seth gives her a cute little pat on the butt as she walks by him) Sandy: well no your mother gave it to me with items marked an uh, sizes circled (Seth frowns) Ryan: does that mean you're embracing Valentines Day this year Marissa: yeah I thought you weren't a fan Sandy: no I made a deal with your mother an I'm holdin up my end'a the bargain (Ryan leaves the kitchen, Marissa notices) Seth: (off screen) I don't get it Sandy: (off screen) well Seth: (off screen) it's just like what's even the point almost you know (Marissa follows Ryan out of the kitchen) Seth: I'm gonna have'ta borrow that later, thanks Sandy: uhhhh we'll see CUT TO: The pool house - Marissa is lying on Ryan's bed and Ryan lies down next to her Ryan: (sighs) so what'do you wanna do Marissa: I'm doin it Ryan: no I mean tomorrow, for Valentines Day Marissa: ugh, can we talk about tomorrow (frowns) tomorrow Ryan: not if you wanna do somethin Marissa: (looks towards Ryan) I don't wanna do anything Ryan: (looks at Marissa, sighs, leans up on his elbow) I mean, you mean you don't wanna do anything specific or uh (Marissa looks at him) you don't wanna do anything at all Marissa: Ryan you've never liked Valentines Day before, ok so don't suddenly act like it's your favourite holiday Ryan: I'm-I'm not Marissa: it's just really hard for me ok Ryan: yeah well it's hard for me to (lies back down) Marissa: (rolls eyes, sits up) I cant explain it Ryan: (loud) I was there Marissa (sits up) what is it you think I don't understand (sighs) Marissa: (looks at Ryan unimpressed) I'm gonna go (Marissa leaves and Ryan watches her go, we hear the sound of the door open and then close) CUT TO: The pool house, next morning - we hear a knock and see a shadow of Seth through the blinds on the door Ryan: come in (Seth opens the door and Ryan squints from a touch of sunlight on him, apart from that the rest of the room is dark) Seth: (walks in) so your girlfriend decided to cancel Valentines Day huh, small town very good cell service (sits) Ryan: (sits up) all yesterday it seemed like we were havin a good day Seth: (looks at Ryan) at a funeral Ryan: not a good day but you know, we were good an then she jus kinda freaked out Seth: well sudden death can do odds things to people you remember my mom at Grandpas wake Ryan: (looks at Seth) that was Kirsten's dad Seth: well Johnny was Marissa's friend, her good friend Ryan: too good Seth: well, the guys dead Ryan I think you can cut Marissa at least a weekends worth of slack Ryan: (raises eyebrows, sniffs) she told me flat out she didn't wanna see me today (moves forward) Seth: ignore her, she was out of her mind with exhaustion an grief Ryan: (raises eyebrows) seemed pretty lucid to me Seth: trust me man (stands) no girl wants to be alone on Valentines Day (Ryan follows Seth towards the open door) Ryan: an you know this because Seth: because inside of my manly exterior beats the heart of a fourteen year old girl CUT TO: The trailer - we hear a knock at the door and then we see Marissa open it. Matt is standing there Matt: hi (points) Sandy gave me your address (holds out papers) I thought you'd want these as soon as possible Marissa: thanks, I'm sure Johnny's mom will appreciate it Matt: yeah (nods) so are we gonna see you an Ryan tonight at the party Marissa: oh I don't think so, we got in a fight (Matt looks at her) (closes eyes) I got in a fight it was my fault (raises eyebrows) Matt: oh well I'm sure that Ryan will accept your heartfelt apology (smiles) Marissa: I was more gonna give him a cooling off period Matt: well, hey if you need anything else paperwork related or...just to talk let me know Marissa: thanks Matt: happy Valentines Day Marissa: you too (Matt leaves and Marissa shuts the door. she looks at the paperwork and then puts it down next to her cell phone. she opens the phone and dials a number, we hear the ringing sound in her ear and then a voice message Msg: Ryan: hey its Ryan leave a message Marissa hangs up without saying anything) CUT TO: NB Yacht club - Kirsten and Mia Griffin are there together Kirsten: well as I mentioned on the phone my friend Julie an I (sits) (Mia sits) have a dating service, and uh (to waiter) thankyou, we're having a party tonight (smiles) Mia: and as I mentioned on the phone I don't need a service to get a date Kirsten: oh I know, it's us who needs you, it would mean alot to have someone like you who's young an active in Newport's business an social life to be apart of the event, of course (shakes head) if you have plans with someone special Mia: you mean someone like (frowns) Matt Ramsey (Kirsten looks at her) I know who your husband is Kirsten (smiles) an I seriously doubt this last minute invitation is a total coincidence Kirsten: Mia I'm sorry Mia: so just how badly does Matt wanna go out with me Kirsten: (suprised) you're not upset Mia: I was, when I first realised why you were calling, but I've liked Matt since college and as much as I wont admit it to him (bites lip) I was disappointed he didn't ask me out after our dinner Kirsten: well he regrets his decision (smiles) Mia: fine, ill go [SCENE_BREAK] CUT TO: Cohen kitchen - Seth is sitting at the kitchen tables by himself drawing a red heart. Sandy comes in carrying a pink Victorias secret bag Sandy: I see you've picked up a little somethin (points) for your lady an I for mine (Sandy puts his bag down on the left side of Seth's identical bag which is already sitting on the table) Seth: uhhh your lady's my mother an I really don't wanna talk about it Sandy: (looking in the bags) women's underwear has gotten very complicated thongs, bikinis, briefs (Seth looks at him, almost grossed out) who knew women's panties were such a minefield Seth: (frowns, still drawing) don't say panties Sandy: (sits across from Seth) so, you an Summer good Seth: we will be Sandy: what'd you do this time Seth: a certain circumstance was not (frowns, thinks) fully disclosed and my omission was discovered Sandy: you got caught in a lie Seth: in a nut shell yeah but I don't see why she's makin such a big deal about it, it's not like it's the first time Sandy: well maybe she thinks of you as a man (Seth looks at him) not a kid, kids lie all the time but a mans only as good as his word Seth: well Summer deserves a good man Sandy: Summer has a good man Seth: she does Sandy: yeah Seth: why didn't you tell me, how long have you known Sandy: just show her (Seth looks at him) well I gotta pick up a few more things for your mother, I promised her the best (stands) Valentines Day ever (Sandy grabs the Victorias secret bag on the right and then leaves. Seth gives him a wave and looks as though he is thinking) CUT TO: Johnny's house - we see Sadie taking some boxes out of a car and the range rover is behind her, Ryan gets out and goes over Ryan: hey, let me give you a hand Sadie: (puts boxes down on the grass) no I got it thanks (Ryan smiles) (laughs) its you, what're you doin here, what'do you want Ryan: uh thought id stop by, pay my respects, I didn't really get a chance to say anything to Mrs. Harper yesterday Sadie: I know she wanted ta thankyou, for tryin'a help him (Ryan nods) (points) she's inside if you wanna go in Ryan: no, uh let me help you Sadie: (waves Ryan off) I got it, its cool (Sadie drops some boxes and they fall out of the car, Ryan picks them up) Sadie: not cool, thankyou (smiles) Ryan: you're welcome Sadie: (picks up box) I guess that's kind of an automatic reaction, your carrying groceries an moving some things an someone offers to help, an sure its nice to share the heavy lifting when your carrying a futon up three flights of stairs (puts down box and heads back to the car) is it really worth enduring the awkward conversation, and there doing you a favour so you have'ta be all nice Ryan: ah so being nice that's an effort for you Sadie: (lifts flattened boxes) kinda yeah, when I'm carrying a futon up three flights'a stairs (gives Ryan them) Ryan: what're these for Sadie: packing up Johnny's room, so my aunt won't have to (shuts the boot) (Ryan watches Sadie, Sadie looks at Ryan) Ryan: done Sadie: all done (Sadie looks at Ryan, Ryan looks at Sadie Sadie: you know I might have'ta rethink my whole position on not accepting help from strangers (Ryan looks down almost embarrassedly) ok (motions to stairs) Ryan: yeah Sadie: stairs, this isn't awkward, this isn't awkward at all (Ryan follows Sadie towards the house) CUT TO: Cohen bedroom - Kirsten is in there by herself and Sandy comes in with the Victorias secret bag and a beautiful bunch of flowers. Kirsten is suprised Kirsten: ooooooh Sandy: for you (kisses Kirsten) Kirsten: mm Sandy: too bad your already dressed, I was hopin you'd wear this (holds up bag) Kirsten: (gasps) is it the black one with the beige trim or the beige one with the black trim Sandy: (points) find out (Kirsten lifts a coat hanger out of the bag and on it hangs a bright pink bra with the wors pink, kisses, Victorias secret, and love hearts over it, and the panties are white with pink hearts all over them. Kirsten turns it towards Sandy and Sandy looks shocked) Kirsten: mm, this is a fantasy I'm not aware of Sandy: (looks at Kirsten) I didn't buy that! CUT TO: Summers bedroom - the very first thing we see is Summer slapping Seth, hard. Seth: aaah, I (we now see the reason for the slap. Summer is holding up a black lacey teddy, obviously Sandy's gift to Kirsten) Seth: I didn't buy that I can explain (touches teddy) Summer: you think the situation can be fixed with lingerie (raises eyebrows) Seth: nooo, not even if it's...very sexy an it says so right here on the tag the point is I made a mistake I will fix it Summer: Cohen, our problem cannot be fixed with underwear, not even age appropriate underwear with the right cup size (holds up bra section of the teddy) Seth: how can I prove to you that I'm not going to do something I say I'm not gonna do Summer: well the pressure was on, an you needed to come with a revolutionary idea an rock my world (Seth looks at her frustrated) I think Valentines Day is off Seth: fine (starts to leave then stops and points, softly) I got you a card (Summer looks at the Victorias secret bag and pulls out the card. on the front it says "I Cannot Tell A Lie..., underneath there is a red heart, the one Seth was drawing earlier, and over the heart is a Pinocchio looking character which resembles Seth, its very cute. inside it says Valentine, I Love You!, Seth. Summer looks at the card almost touched) CUT TO: The trailer - Marissa is sitting on the couch watching TV, she looks kind of bored and still down, we can hear the familiar sound of The Valley. Kaitlin comes in from the back of the trailer Kaitlin: ugh (screws up face) there playing Death Cab on The Valley, never listening to them again Marissa: I know, you look nice (Kaitlin looks over) mom forcing you to go out (Julie comes in from the same back) Julie: well I-I sharpened my bamboo sticks, turns out no force was necessary Kaitlin: (laughs) I'm just glad to get out of this trailer (Marissa rolls her eyes) Julie: you know Marissa, honey its not to late to change your mind, fresh air all the baked clams you can eat Marissa: yeah that sounds...tempting but, I think I just need to be alone (Kaitlin looks down, sort of like she can relate) Julie: (nods) ok (we hear a knock and Ryan comes in) Marissa: (suprised) hey (Ryan goes inside) (sits up) I wasn't expecting you (stands) um, hi (kisses Ryan on the cheek) Ryan: hi, I was hoping I could convince you to join me at the party Julie: well, maybe we'll see both of you Ryan: yeah Julie: good night Ryan: alright, good night (Julie and Kaitlin leave. Ryan looks at Marissa) Ryan: I got you something (Marissa looks at Ryan, then at the small white box he is holding out to her, she takes it and opens the lid. inside is a beautiful silver necklace with a few dangly beads hanging off of it) Marissa: (looks at Ryan, touched) it's beautiful Ryan: yeah, well, put it on, get dressed (Marissa closes the box and looks at Ryan) Ryan: or not (takes off jacket) or not uhhh fine, forget it (sits) jus hang here Marissa: look I know you're only trying to be nice (sits) but uh I really need some time Ryan: its fine I get that...but is it more than that I mean (Marissa looks at him pointedly) I mean when's the last time we actually hung out together, alone Marissa: (looks at Ryan) what you mean without Johnny (Ryan looks at her) (glares at Ryan)...your glad he's gone aren't you Ryan: no I'm not even gonna answer that (frowns) (Marissa blinks and Ryan leaves. the next thing we see is Marissa opening a drawer that has some clothes in it, she lifts a white top and underneath it is the angel necklace from Johnny, she puts the box she just got from Ryan down next to it and puts the top back over them both and closes the drawer) CUT TO: Kirsten and Julie's party - we see a beautifully lit walk way and then we see a gorgeous neon sign near the entrance. it's a huge silver shell with the NewMatch logo and the word "presents" underneath that in blue neon is Sea-Sand-Stars and then down the bottom of the shell there is "Valentines at the Beach". we then see people dancing and having a good time. and then Sandy and Seth walking together Sandy: did Summer give you back the bag Seth: uh the conversation kinda went in a different direction after that Sandy: oh Seth: (to Ryan) hey, no Marissa Ryan: yeah no Summer either Seth: uh no she's over there (points) with her date (Ryan looks and we see Neil and Summer together) Sandy: Valentines Day, it's too much pressure (motions) there's Matt I wonder if his date showed up (we see Matt by himself at the bar thing) Seth: oh cool another dude, I gotta go do somethin (Seth walks away. the next thing we see is Kaitlin by herself, then Justin by himself, looking for her. after a few seconds he sees her, and she him. she half smiles and Justin gives her a huge smile back. aww. Justin makes his way through the crowd and over to her. Kaitlin shakes her head and half laughs) Kaitlin: you gonna try ta act like this is a strange coincidence Justin: not...anymore (Kaitlin laughs) can I buy you a drink Kaitlin: (looks at Justin) I don't know, can you (Justin smiles) still got that fake ID (Justin smiles and holds his arm out, Kaitlin links hers through his and they walk off together - we then see Seth go over to Neil and Summer) Seth: happy Valentines Day sir (Summer almost smiles) I was wonderin (sighs) if I could maybe borrow your daughter for a moment Summer: (closes eyes) Cohen, I'm right here what'do you want (Seth goes over to Summer and pulls her a little away from Neil) Seth: I wrote you something (Seth holds out a napkin with his writing on it. Summer takes it) Summer: (looks) a cocktail napkin Seth: it's a confession, read it (Summer looks at Seth frowning and then looks down at the napkin) Summer: (reads) to whom it may concern, my name is Seth Cohen an I have a problem with flying Seth: it says lying, eh- pen shook Summer: (looks at Seth then continues to read) I have lied about many things over the years (Seth nods, watching) the most recent an troubling lies include but are not limited to the following- Seth: an there's a complete list on the back'a the napkin (Summer looks at him) all of my sins very detailed Summer: Cohen I know (raises eyebrows) all of this Seth: I know but if I ever screw up again (motions) you give that to my parents Summer: (nods) hm, that's pretty smart (looks at Seth) you may have just rocked my world (Seth smiles) I was hoping you'd come up with the half court shot at the buzzer Seth: is that a sports metaphor I don't...follow (smiles) Summer: (grins sexily) I'm wearing (raises eyebrows) the thong Seth: (screws up face) yeah that's-that's my moms Summer: (screws up face) eww CUT TO: The beach - we see Marissa walking by herself and she notices a bonfire, we then see that Dennis is sitting by the bonfire getting wasted, he looks up at Marissa Marissa: what're you doing Dennis: gettin wasted (Marissa nods) (looks at Marissa) you an me Marissa (Marissa looks at him) we're the only people who understand what we're goin through you know Marissa: you might be right about that (sits) Dennis: you know this emotional connection might be a really good platform (raises eyebrows) for a more physical one Marissa: (laughs) I'm not gonna make out with you Chili Dennis: (looks down) it's not Chili anymore, I'm goin back to Dennis (Marissa looks at him) Johnny never liked that nickname anyways (Marissa looks at Dennis, Dennis looks at her and then down sadly. Marissa puts her arm around Dennis and pulls him to her so his head is on her shoulder. aww. we then see them sitting together by the bonfire from a distance) CUT TO: Kirsten and Julie's party - we see Julie by herself Waiter: care for some oysters ma'm Julie: oh no, I don't do oysters, if I'm gonna swallow something that disgusting there better be something in it for me (the waiter walks away and Kaitlin and Justin walk over) Kaitlin: hey, mom Julie: oh hey baby, how are ya (hugs Kaitlin) Kaitlin: um I was...thinking about leaving Julie: oh, well then ill see you back at the house Kaitlin: no I mean...leaving Newport an going back to school (Julie looks disappointed) tonight, Justin (motions to Justin) he offered to give me a ride (smiles) (Justin walks over) Julie: (looks at Justin) hello, Julie Cooper-Nichol Kaitlin's mother (shakes Justin's hand) Justin: very nice ta meet you, you have a lovely daughter (Julie smiles, nods) ill drive under the speed limit, make sure she buckles her seatbelt (Julie looks at him then Kaitlin, Kaitlin looks at her) stop for coffee several times Julie: (nods, smiles) thankyou Justin I appreciate that (Justin smiles) (to Kaitlin) well ill see you at parents weekend an promise me you are definitely coming back Kaitlin: promise, you'll be seeing alot more of me Julie: Kaitlin, I'm so sorry if this trip wasn't everything you hoped for Kaitlin: I'm a Cooper mom, ill survive (smiles) (Julie and Kaitlin hug. aww) Kaitlin: (softly) ok bye (Justin and Kaitlin walk off together. Julie looks almost sad. she turns around and sees Neil drinking by himself) Neil: hey Julie: hello there Neil: you look radiant tonight Julie: thankyou (smiles) Neil: I was hoping that we could talk Julie: Neil you don't have to explain Neil: no I think I do Julie: all this back an forth, coming together pulling away again, I think it's...happening for a reason (Neil looks at her) we just don't belong together Neil: we both have very complex lives which (Julie nods) will make this...very complicated Julie: right, I mean who's looking to make life any more complicated (Neil looks at her) did you say will Neil: I'm sorry it's taken me this long to ask you this (Julie looks at him) but I lost my nerve when I wasn't trusting my instincts, Julie uh...(looks at Julie) would you be my Valentine (Julie smiles at Neil - we then see Kirsten walk over to Ryan standing by himself) Kirsten: all alone tonight (Ryan nods) well I guess that's to be expected under the circumstances Ryan: Marissa an I have ben fighting alot...mainly about whether Johnny was just a friend (motions) Kirsten: or if it was more than that Ryan: she says it wasn't, I don't think she's lying to me...I think she might be lying to herself...(raises eyebrows) an now that he's gone I don't know, how do we move forward, or if Kirsten: well the nights not over, maybe there's a little pit stop you could make on the way home Ryan: (thinks) yeah actually there is, thanks (Ryan leaves and Sandy goes over to Kirsten) Sandy: how's Ryan Kirsten: oh, he has alot on his mind as usual Sandy: (nods) o oo oo oo (Kirsten looks where Sandy is) Matt an Mia seem to be gettin along (we see Matt and Mia laughing together at the bar. Kirsten is now closer to Sandy, they are almost in a hug) Kirsten: d'you think there talking about business Sandy: yyeah, I think right now he's saying how ? now offers more space for emergency care an-an comp patient services Kirsten: (smiles) I think she's more concerned about wheel chair access in the lobby (looks at Sandy) Sandy: aww she's a good soul (Kirsten puts her hands on Sandy's shoulders just as a heart frame lights up gradually, it starts at the bottom and follows the heart shape till both sides reach at the top. there is smoke and pink fairy lights which are all up the inside and outside of the heart shape, its really pretty and well done) CUT TO: The trailer - Kaitlin is packing inside and Marissa comes in. Kaitlin looks at Marissa, Marissa looks at her Marissa: are you leaving Kaitlin: yeah, don't cry or anything (half laughs) Marissa: look I know this wasn't the best vacation you've ever had but (Kaitlin looks at her) I really am sorry for everything (sits) Kaitlin: don't be (shrugs) just figure it all out Marissa: (frowns) figure what out Kaitlin: what you really felt for Johnny Marissa: (looks at Kaitlin) what'does it matter now (looks away) (Kaitlin looks at Marissa, Marissa looks at her) Kaitlin: well you keep telling yourself whatever you want, but it does matter (Marissa closes her eyes and stands) Marissa: I'm really glad you came back Kaitlin: (looks up) I'm...kinda...sorta...maybe (thinks) might be ? (raises eyebrows) (Marissa smiles and hugs Kaitlin) CUT TO: Johnny's house - we hear a knock at the door and then see the door open, Ryan is standing there. Sadie is the one who opened the door Ryan: hi Sadie: (suprised) hi Ryan: I was uh was wondering if I could give you a hand Sadie: (frowns) no no I got it thankyou (Sadie looks behind her then back at Ryan) Ryan: ok ill jus (goes to leave) Sadie: I mean, really Ryan: yeah yeah figured you could use the help (Sadie looks at him) if you want I could make the conversation a little more awkward Sadie: well in that case please (raises eyebrows, smiles) (Ryan goes inside and Sadie closes the door) CUT TO: The road - Justin and Kaitlin are in the car. Kaitlin looks over at Justin with tears in her eyes, Justin looks at her Justin: ok, I think there's something in your eye, it couldn't be, is that a tear Kaitlin: (looks away, smiles) shut up (shakes head) (Justin looks back at the road and Kaitlin looks out of the window. we can see that she is holding the teddy from earlier to her chest. aww) Kaitlin: you know as weird as it may sound (looks at Justin) I think I'm actually gonna miss this place (Justin looks over at Kaitlin again. Kaitlin looks back out of the window, the camera zooms in on her face and then we see the car drive past. the car disappears out of the shot and we see a sign that has Long Beach 24, Los Angeles 43 & Santa Barbara 137 on it FADE TO: Kirsten and Julie's party - we see Matt and Mia dancing together then this fades to Sandy and Kirsten kissing in each others arms, dancing. aww, that then fades to Neil and Julie by the water together, no one else is around. Neil has his hands on the small of Julies back and Julie has her hands on Neil's shoulders, this fades to Seth and Summer making out on a towel on the sand, it's possibly more but the shot is so dark I can't tell, sorry. there is definitely heavy making out, this then fades to Marissa opening the drawer from earlier, she lifts the white top but this time Ryan's and Johnny's necklaces are side by side, she looks away then back down. we see her hand reach in and pull out the angel necklace. she closes the drawer and sits on the bed sadly looking at it, we see a shot of the necklace sitting in the palm of her hand then she closes her hand tightly and starts getting teary, she lies down on the bed curled up and looks at the necklace, upset CUT TO: Johnny's house - Ryan and Sadie are in the middle of packing Johnny's room into boxes, it looks pretty bare. Sadie puts some books into a box that already has some surfing trophies in it. Ryan sits down and looks around, Sadie sits down and looks at him Sadie: ...what're you thinking Ryan: if I could've uh done or...said anything it wou- (sighs) would'a saved him Sadie: (looks down) hm, well um (looks at Ryan) I think its a hard thing to accept, that life's completely out of our control (Ryan looks at her) but you were there for him (Ryan frowns) at the end'a the day its all we can really do for each other y'know, just be there (Ryan looks at her) (smiles) an ill be in the kitchen if you need me (Ryan looks up, blinks. Sadie stands and leaves the room. we see a close up of Ryan's face and he sighs. then we see Sadie in the kitchen and hear a knock at the door, Sadie answers the door and Volchok is standing there) Sadie: go away (tries to shut the door) Volchok: look I jus wanna talk Sadie: there's nothin'a say Volchok: you wouldnt'a come here if you didn't wanna see me (smiles) Sadie: its got nothin'a do with you an I think you should leave before I start screaming for the cops Volchok: (leans forward, almost smugly) look we both know your not gonna do that (Ryan comes and stands behind Sadie, Volchok notices him. Ryan looks at Volchok) Volchok: what the hell is he doin here (Sadie slams the door in Volchok's face) Ryan: everything ok Sadie: (looks at Ryan)...it is now (Ryan looks at her) you want tea (Sadie smiles and heads back to the kitchen. Ryan looks out the window and we see Volchok heading towards his car, he stops and looks towards the house. Ryan looks away from the window and then back. Volchok looks straight at him and then keeps walking) - fade out

Johnny's death brings a relative to Newport, who makes Ryan question his feelings for Marissa. Summer confronts Seth about the marijuana and his lies. Kaitlin returns to boarding school. Meanwhile, Kirsten and Julie throw a Valentine's Day party to promote NewMatch.

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Kyoto, Japan [SCENE_BREAK] Nadia is in a trance, writing Rambaldi code. Sloane watches. [SCENE_BREAK] Conference Room SYDNEY: At this moment, we have no leads on Sloane or Nadia Santos, my sister. Unverifiable reports suggest that shortly after he betrayed us in [wherever it is, the unknown town in Chechnya where Nadia was in prison - FIX], Sloane boarded a plane at the airport in Grozny. But this was 20 hours ago. By now, they could be anywhere. DIXON: Have you been in contact with Nadia's superiors at Argentina's Intelligence Directorate? SYDNEY: Yes, but they could only provide us with background. She was recruited six years ago. She was educated in language and trade-craft. The mission to Chechnya was her first real assignment. JACK: And what about her life prior to becoming an agent? She was confined to an orphanage in the Santermo [FIX] district of Buenos Aires. She had no known family until now. According to Sloane, Nadia will be injected with an elixir, some kind of fluid that will enable her to deliver a message from Rambaldi himself. [SCENE_BREAK] Kyoto, Japan [SCENE_BREAK] Nadia finishes writing on one piece of paper. SLOANE: That's good. That's very good. Sloane takes the paper and pins it up on a wall, where a dozen or two more pages are already pinned. The Rambaldi writing, from a distance, forms the symbol for the followers of Rambaldi. It looks like there are five or six important pages missing, with 17 or so already done. (voice-over) SYDNEY: He's never divulged the willing to risk everything, his wealth, even his legitimacy, even his life, to acquire it. This is his endgame. We have to believe he will kill Nadia in pursuit of it. [SCENE_BREAK] Conference room [SCENE_BREAK] DIXON: Sydney, I pray that we get to Nadia quickly, but given Sloane's intentions we need to be prepared for all possible outcomes. SYDNEY: I know she's alive. [SCENE_BREAK] Kyoto, Japan. Sloane removes a bottle of Rambaldi goo. NADIA: Please, don't. SLOANE: Nadia, my child. I don't want to hurt you. NADIA: Then why are you doing this? SLOANE: When Abraham was asked to take his only child, Isaac, and offer him up to God, he didn't hesitate. And he took in his hand the fire and the knife. And it was only then that the angel came. But Abraham had to be willing to make this unbearable choice. (One discussion of this situation is in Kierkegaard's _Fear and Trembling_) Nadia grabs something off the medical tray by her chair. NADIA: I understand. Sloane thinks she's serious, and merely naive. Smiling, he says, unbelievingly... SLOANE: You do. NADIA: You're a man of faith. She's using whatever it is (a scalpel?) to get out of her handcuffs. SLOANE: Oh, my child, my child. Nadia stabs him with the elixir, screams something unintelligible. She smashes a bunch of Sloane's Rambaldi goo. Sloane knocks her out with a stun gun. SLOANE: (cell) My supply of Rambaldi fluid has been compromised. I need you to break into a bunker, Novgorod 21. Secure more bottles. You deliver within 24 hours, I pay you five million. UNKNOWN: (cell) I'll recruit a team immediately, and get back to you. UNKNOWN calls someone else. SARK: (cell) Go ahead. UNKNOWN: (cell) Arvin Sloane just made contact. SARK: (cell) Tell me where he's sending you, and I'll double his offer. [SCENE_BREAK] Rotunda [SCENE_BREAK] SYDNEY: (phone) The Echelon dictionary's been updated with the relevant keywords. We'll continue to monitor all intercepts. Thank you very much. SYDNEY: Hey. VAUGHN: Hey. SYDNEY: I thought you were supposed to stay in the hospital a few more days. VAUGHN: Yeah. I checked myself out early. SYDNEY: Didn't they want to keep you for observation? VAUGHN: I'm fine, really. VAUGHN: Look, whatever Lauren did to me, I want you to know I take full responsibility for what's happened. I messed up. And if you can't get past that, I understand. But will you try? SYDNEY: I don't know. VAUGHN: Will you at least think about it? Because it's all I can think about. SYDNEY: Yeah, I will think about it. Dixon walks up. DIXON: I need to see you both immediately. [SCENE_BREAK] Briefing Room DIXON: Our SIGINT post in Manila just intercepted an encrypted phone call between Arvin Sloane and a well-known underworld fixer. WEISS: Did we run a trace-back? JACK: The route masking was too high. Sloane requested the fluid be recovered from this bunker facility called Novgorod 21. DIXON: I checked with my contacts at Project Blackhole. They said the facility's been inactive since the 1980's, when it was the center for Soviet Rambaldi research. SYDNEY: If we penetrate the bunker, we can plant a tracking device on one of the vials of fluid. Maybe that could lead us to Sloane. DIXON: I'll have Marshall prep the op-tech for the two of you to execute a tactical infiltration. The facility could still be guarded. Vaughn's not terribly interested in this Rambaldi stuff. VAUGHN: Where do we stand on finding Lauren? WEISS: FBI Counterintelligence is going over all of Lauren's files, phone records, expense reports... [SCENE_BREAK] VAUGHN: Have we brought our field offices into the investigation? Weiss gives him a "give me a break" look. VAUGHN: Have you gotten the CIA to sign off on re-tasking Echelon satellites? DIXON: Vaughn, we're doing what we can, but right now, the priority for this office is finding Sloane. [SCENE_BREAK] NOVG[O]ROD (push-through) [SCENE_BREAK] Sydney and Vaughn approach the bunker. They find a dead guard. SYDNEY: Sloane got here first. VAUGHN: They might still be here. They go inside and find the lab. It's been trashed. VAUGHN: They've got the fluid. There's nothing left to tag and no way to find Sloane. SYDNEY: We still have a secondary protocol -- to retrieve all available data. VAUGHN: I'll start the up-link. SYDNEY: I'll try to collect a sample. Syd finds a syringe and some green goo from a smashed vial. VAUGHN: (comm) Marshall, I'm hacking into the drives now. -Marshall's Office- MARSHALL: (comm) Okay, I'm picking up the signal, Boy Scout. MARSHALL: (comm) Got interference on K-band. Bump it up one more frequency. -Novgorod- VAUGHN: (comm) Any better? MARSHALL: (comm) No, not much. Uh, there seems to be a signal I can't account for. VAUGHN: (comm) Can you download the data? MARSHALL: (comm) Yeah. Start sending now. SYDNEY: Are those video files? VAUGHN: Yeah, at least a hundred hours' worth. SYDNEY: Can you open one? They see footage of a young girl strapped to a chair, drawing on papers. SYDNEY: That's my sister. Sydney goes over to the chamber where the chair is, and stares at it vacantly. MARSHALL: (comm) No, no no no no no no no. SYDNEY: (comm) What? MARSHALL: (comm) There's a silent alarm. They know you're there. GUARDS: (Russian) Katya walks in. [SCENE_BREAK] Title Sequence [SCENE_BREAK] Novgorod Bunker KATYA: Sydney Bristow. We meet at last. KATYA: (Russian) You two, secure the perimeter. KATYA: (Russian) Take their weapons. Katya picks up a tranq gun that was on a table. She acts amused. KATYA: A tranq gun. How considerate. KATYA: (Russian) I had no idea the CIA was so polite. Katya shoots the two remaining Russian guards. KATYA: Hurry. Take the uniform and their ID. SYDNEY: Who are you? KATYA: Your mother's sister. SYDNEY: Katya. -Outside- [SCENE_BREAK] They're outside, and hurry to a jeep. They approach the guard post. KATYA: Let me take care of this. GUARD: (Russian) Identification. KATYA: (Russian) Don't I know you? GUARD: (Russian) I don't think so, Colonel Katya hands the guard her ID. KATYA: (Russian) Were you at General Krivak's birthday party? GUARD: (Russian) I wish. I heard it was a blast. KATYA: (Russian) Pity. KATYA: (Russian) I made love to a boy who looked just like you. Cut to Sydney, who clearly understands what she's saying, and is probably wondering what kind of psychological pathologies Irina's sister has. KATYA: (Russian) Is there any chance you could have forgotten? GUARD: (Russian) Absolutely not. A guard has discovered the unconscious bodies of the two guards in the bunker, and calls the guard post. KATYA: (Russian) Perhaps you will come to my birthday. GUARD: (Russian) I'd like that. The phone rings. KATYA: Go. The interior guard is heard over the phone. GUARD: There's been a breakout. They've kidnapped Colonel Derevko! The guards fire at the jeep as it drives away, with Sydney ducking. [SCENE_BREAK] Kyoto, Japan [SCENE_BREAK] SLOANE: This is just a sedative now, Nadia, so you can rest. SLOANE: What you did yesterday, destroying all the fluid like that... I want you to know I was not angry with you. I was proud of your courage. NADIA: Every Sunday at the orphanage in Santermo [FIX], they made us dress up in our finest clothes. They would have us stand in line four hours waiting to be chosen by families. I wouldn't do it. I'd make myself filthy and always frown. I didn't want to be chosen, because I knew I knew that somewhere my dad was still looking for me, and one day he'd come to take me away from that place. If I had known it was you I was waiting for, I would have cleaned up. [SCENE_BREAK] CIA Safe-house, St. Petersburg VAUGHN: (cell) Katya saw Lauren and Sark on a surveillance feed. They acquired a canister of Rambaldi fluid. Eric, we need to get that satellite re-tasked. I understand, but I want them found. Vaughn's frustrated, walking down a hall outside a room where Katya and Sydney are. VAUGHN: (cell) That's not good enough, Weiss... He walks down the hall and through a door. Meanwhile, in the room... SYDNEY: I spoke to my father. He's arranged for us to be picked up by helicopter. What were you doing at the laboratory? KATYA: Like you, we received intelligence that Sloane had sent a team there, but by the time we arrived it was too late. If Sloane is after the fluid, he must be very close from finding Nadia. Sydney stares at her for a moment. SYDNEY: In the videotape, Nadia was a child. She was drawing something, what I assume was Rambaldi's message. If the message was already relayed, why is she valuable? KATYA: Your sister was taken away from the laboratory before she could complete the message. [SCENE_BREAK] VAUGHN: My father took her. He took her away from people who were trying to use her. KATYA: Are you trying to imply something, Mr. Vaughn? VAUGHN: I'm just curious why you're so eager to find your long-lost niece. KATYA: I understand your weariness. Try to remember that I risked my life, that I compromised my position with the SVR to save you from certain execution. SYDNEY: My father told me you were working with my mother. KATYA: I am. When your mother returned to Russia, she was immediately apprehended. Her loyalties were questionable. After a few months in jail, he gave birth to a little girl. That girl was one day old when she was taken away from your mother. The only reason I joined the Russian Secret Service was to help Irina find her younger daughter. For years we heard nothing about her. Every lead went cold. But then recently we found out that her father, Arvin Sloane, was also looking for her. KATYA: What is it, Sydney? SYDNEY: Sloane has her. [SCENE_BREAK] Los Angeles - Friendship Bell [SCENE_BREAK] Sark and Lauren get out of a car. Sloane's there waiting. SLOANE: This is unexpected, and unacceptable. LAUREN: Nice to see you too, Arvin. SARK: We recovered three canisters of Rambaldi's fluid. They're yours in exchange for a partnership. SLOANE: I believe we've already made that mistake. SARK: You have the passenger. We now have the fluid. What we are after is big enough for all of us to share. So what do you say, for old times' sake? SLOANE: What are your terms? LAUREN: We've brought enough for one dose. The rest is safely in storage. Once we know you do indeed have the girl, the rest of the canisters will be delivered. SARK: And of course we will need to see a demonstration first. We need to be certain that the fluid actually works. SLOANE: I see. [SCENE_BREAK] Marshall's Office [SCENE_BREAK] MARSHALL: Now, I believe the fluid contains a stored memory, a muscle memory. Now, this fluid that you brought back contains protein strains, and when injected the protein moves into the cerebral cortex. MARSHALL: Theoretically it could trigger an individual to execute a prerecorded series of non-cognitive actions... touch-typing or playing a musical instrument, or... SYDNEY: Drawing... MARSHALL: Exactly. DIXON: How dangerous is that process? MARSHALL: Well, the toxicity level of that much protein being forced into the cerebrum would have to have harmful side effects... brain damage, maybe even death. DIXON: Have you been able to identify the doctor? MARSHALL: No. SYDNEY: How'd the voice-print analysis turn out? MARSHALL: Not great, but run it again if you want. [SCENE_BREAK] Kyoto, Japan [SCENE_BREAK] Nadia's gasping. Sloane's just injected her with more Rambaldi goo. Sloane gives her a pen. Slowly, she starts writing. SARK: Incredible. Nadia writes some more. [SCENE_BREAK] Marshall's Office [SCENE_BREAK] VAUGHN: I wish we could see the doctor's face. SYDNEY: In the corner... someone's reflection. Can you enhance it? Marshall does some image magic. The reflection is revealed as the evil doctor -- crippled evil doctor, thanks to Will. Marshall clearly recalls his psychopathic tendencies, too, because he's just as disturbed as everyone else. MARSHALL: Oh my God. [SCENE_BREAK] Briefing Room DIXON: We believe this man to be Jong Lee. According to files recovered from Novgorod, he was the lead scientist in charge of conducting Russia's Passenger experiments. JACK: The NSA was able to use electronic intercepts to track Lee's recent communication. It appears he met with Sloane in Zurich twice in the past four months, most likely to help him procure Rambaldi fluid. Vaughn's modified his tactics... maybe if he mentions both Lauren and Sark, he'll get more cooperation in his... can it be called a hunt? VAUGHN: What about Lauren and Sark? DIXON: As of now, we have no evidence linking them to Dr. Lee. There whereabouts remain unknown. VAUGHN: If satellites had been tasked like I asked, that might not be the case. WEISS: They were tied up over a nuclear test site in the Baltics. The DoD wouldn't budge. VAUGHN: Because we didn't apply enough pressure. DIXON: Vaughn. This is not the time. SYDNEY: Where is Dr. Lee now? DIXON: A Cuban bio-weapons facility. You and Vaughn will head to Cienfuegos, find out everything you can about the Passenger experiments and where to find Sloane. DIXON: In the mean time, Jack, you'll work with Katya Derevko. She's been investigating Sloane's financials in the hope of getting a lead on Nadia. There could be something there to tip off Sloane's location. [SCENE_BREAK] Rotunda [SCENE_BREAK] Just after the briefing... JACK: Vaughn, do you have a minute? VAUGHN: Yeah. JACK: I know why you checked yourself out of medical services early. I know you're under the impression you're fine, that all you need to do is hold yourself together and bury yourself in work. VAUGHN: Get to the point, Jack. JACK: My point is, your rage is seething under the surface. I know because I've been there. And I promise you... If you don't resolve this as quickly and expediently as possible, it will spill over to every aspect of your life including your professional and personal relationship with my daughter, and I do not want you endangering her. VAUGHN: I am doing my job the best I can. Do you have a better suggestion? JACK: I suggest you focus your energy into achieving closure on this matter. VAUGHN: No one wants Lauren in custody more than I do. JACK: That's not the kind of closure I'm referring to. Jack holds out a key. Vaughn takes it. VAUGHN: What's this? JACK: That's a key to my storage facility. You've been there before. In it, you'll find false identification, unmarked and untraceable weapons, contact sheets, as well as disposal facilities capable of dealing with her remains. VAUGHN: That might be your way of dealing with things. It's not mine. JACK: Keep it. Jack walks off. [SCENE_BREAK] Los Angeles, wherever Katya's staying [SCENE_BREAK] JACK: Sloane transferred 900,000 out of his Caymans account five days ago. KATYA: Are the routing numbers traceable? JACK: To Scotland, then Luxembourg. Not after. KATYA: When Irina and Sloane were having their affair, did you know about it? JACK: It was one of her many secrets. KATYA: Hearing Irina talk about you, it was impossible not to be intrigued. I find you sexy, Jack. Deal with it. JACK: What is Dayton Electrical? KATYA: I have no idea. JACK: Sloane's made a large payment to a Dayton Electrical KATYA: The company subcontracted to do work in Beijing, Lyon, and Gambia. JACK: And Chamonix... KATYA: That mean something to you? JACK: Recently we arrested a woman who did significant electronics work to secure a villa at Chamonix. KATYA: If this payment is for designing some sort of security system for Sloane, she might know where he is. JACK: (cell) This is agent Jack Bristow. Inform the detention facility I will be there by 1400 to conduct an interview with Toni Cummings. KATYA: If this works and you find Sloane, you will also find Sydney's sister. This will be a great victory, but it will be hard on you, knowing what she represents. If it was me, I wouldn't want to go through that alone. [SCENE_BREAK] CIENFUE[G]OS, CUBA [SCENE_BREAK] Sydney walks out of the ocean onto a beach, yelling. It appears to be private beach front property. Two elderly people are sitting in lawn chairs, and get up to approach her. Vaughn shoots them with tranquilizers. It turns out the house is the residence and/or research lab for Dr. Lee, the psychopath who removed one or more of Sydney's and Will's 2rd molars. He's extracting something from a marine species. LEE: I said no disturbances. SYDNEY: I'm sure you can make an exception for an old friend. She hits him on the head with her pistol. After a short while, she slaps him awake. SYDNEY: Remember me from Taipei? Red hair? I liked my teeth. Now we know about your experiments in Novgorod. How much information did you get from my sister? LEE: Drawings... numbers... SYDNEY: Numbers? What kinds of numbers? What kinds of numbers? LEE: She drew an equation, coordinates that would lead to a place... SYDNEY: What place? What are we supposed to find there? LEE: Rambaldi. SYDNEY: What? His body, his grave site, his consciousness... Vaughn is predictably uninterested in this Rambaldi crap. VAUGHN: Where's Arvin Sloane? LEE: Sloane? How should I know where he could be? Vaughn takes some of the extract Lee was messing with before their arrival, and droppers it onto the table. It starts eating through. VAUGHN: Now I know you can't feel that, but you can see it, and you can imagine what it's going to feel like when I pour the rest of this on you. SYDNEY: Vaughn! VAUGHN: You met with Sloane in Zurich. LEE: It was only a charity function. VAUGHN: Don't lie to me. LEE: He asked me about inoculations, about the Passenger. VAUGHN: Where is he? SYDNEY: Vaughn! LEE: I don't know. VAUGHN: Tell me where he is. LEE: Please! SYDNEY: Vaughn, you can't do this. VAUGHN: Why not? He would. SYDNEY: You're not him. VAUGHN: Tell me where he is. Lee's hysterical at this point. LEE: If I knew, I would tell you. VAUGHN: Wrong answer. Vaughn pours the acid on Lee's hand. Lee screams. [SCENE_BREAK] Prison [SCENE_BREAK] JACK: You designed a lethal response security system from Arvin Sloane. TONI: You take everything away from me, and now you expect a freebie in return? JACK: I don't make promises. TONI: Do you know how much being here cuts into my market share? Can't even get a lipstick in this place. JACK: Sloane is a fugitive. Assist in his capture, and a reduction in his sentence may be considered. TONI: I know what a player Sloane is. Capturing him must be a high priority. She laughs. TONI: If I help you get him, I want out with time served. JACK: So you know where he is. TONI: I designed a killer system for him, but that was two years ago. JACK: Where is it? TONI: I only drew up the specs. I didn't contract the job, and I don't know where it was built. JACK: But you can find out. TONI: I probably could. JACK: Time served. I'll have it put in writing. TONI: Within the hour? JACK: Within the hour. TONI: Good. JACK: Now, what do you need? [SCENE_BREAK] Cargo plane VAUGHN: I spoke to Dixon. He said that Jack and Sydney might have a lead on Sloane through Toni Cummings. We may have their location by the time we get back. SYDNEY: What you did to Dr. Lee was unacceptable. VAUGHN: Well you wouldn't say that if I had gotten something out of him. SYDNEY: What he knew or didn't know is beside the point. VAUGHN: Exactly. The point is we're trying to find your sister. SYDNEY: And if you had gotten the answer, it still wouldn't have been okay. VAUGHN: Sloane has her. Wouldn't you do anything to get her back? SYDNEY: You knew we had other options. VAUGHN: Sydney, the man tortured you. He tortured Marshall. He tortured your sister. SYDNEY: This isn't about him. This is about you, and what I saw scared me. VAUGHN: Yeah, well it scared me too, what I'm willing to do to find her. VAUGHN: When I was with Dr. Lee, all I could think about was if we get to Sloane, we'll get to her. And I want to find your sister, but I need to find my wife. Lauren cannot be allowed to get away with what she's done. SYDNEY: Well, Lauren might, and you have to be prepared to deal with that. [SCENE_BREAK] Prison [SCENE_BREAK] MARSHALL: So you're trying to tell me that you got a gigajoule from a gas generator? Toni's putting on lipstick, and she laughs. TONI: Had to. Can't have lasers without power. Marshall laughs and says something incoherent expressing agreement. MARSHALL: I computed a list of the equipment you specified, everything necessary to build the security system that you designed for Mr. Sloane. Now, my program here will scan multiple databases for any shipments of that gear. Hopefully we can come up with a delivery nexus. TONI: How long did it take you to come up with that? MARSHALL: My lunch break. We get forty-five minutes, so... TONI: I want you. MARSHALL: Come again? TONI: To work for me. How much do they pay you? MARSHALL: How much do they... a lot, a lot. TONI: Work for me and your base will be a million a year. MARSHALL: Oh, that's a nice base. TONI: Mmm hmm.. MARSHALL: Um, the thing is I get really good medical, and my little guy, Mitch... have I told you about him? Well he's also covered under the CIA extension of the plan... yea... Marshall takes out a picture of Mitchell. TONI: Aww, cute. MARSHALL: To be honest with you, I kind of like working for the good guys. No offense. TONI: None taken. MARSHALL: Oh, okay... looks like Mr. Sloane built your system in Japan, just outside of Kyoto. TONI: When do we go? MARSHALL: Go? We? No, no. You were supposed to tell me how to bypass the system from here. TONI: Uh uh. Sloane had me give him seven variables. I won't know which one he used until I've accessed the on-site junction box. MARSHALL: Okay, I totally understand, but you're ... in... jail... TONI: On-site... Marshall's frustrated that he's going to have to recommend Toni be released. Apparently he doesn't know Jack's already made a deal, or maybe Jack was lying. [SCENE_BREAK] K[Y]OTO [SCENE_BREAK] Helicopter PILOT: We're five minutes out, switching to whisper mode. Ahh yes, whisper mode, from Conspiracy Theory? SYDNEY: Vaughn, I need to know that you will stay on-mission to protect Nadia no matter what else happens. [SCENE_BREAK] Kyoto, Japan [SCENE_BREAK] SARK: What's wrong? SLOANE: It's what I was afraid of. She's building up a tolerance to the fluid. She needs rest. LAUREN: Or a stronger dose. My my, isn't Lauren helpful in suggesting ideas. SLOANE: No. If we overload the cerebrum, her brain won't be able to function properly. She could die. SARK: But we would have the equation, wouldn't we? SLOANE: Don't. Don't push me, Julian. LAUREN: You are wasting time we don't have. We have all chosen this path. Arvin, we have all made sacrifices. I trust you are willing to do the same. [SCENE_BREAK] The CIA team approaches the facility. There are some awfully chubby-looking guards. SYDNEY: (comm) This is Mountaineer. We're on the ground. WEISS: (comm) Copy that. Bravo is rolling hot. Someone in "Bravo", the Humvee, takes out some guards. WEISS: (comm) Bravo is in position. SYDNEY: (comm) Weiss, we're proceeding to the junction box. [SCENE_BREAK] Sloane hangs another IV bag. SLOANE: You'll be okay. I promise. NADIA: No, I won't. I guess the angel isn't coming. Sloane thinks about injecting her, but can't manage to get the needle into the tube because his hand is shaking. LAUREN: Arvin? SLOANE: I'm so sorry. Two of Sloane's flunkies arrive with weapons pointed at Sark and Lauren. SLOANE: I've made a terrible mistake. [SCENE_BREAK] Toni, Sydney, and Vaughn find the junction box. TONI: This will just take me a minute. [SCENE_BREAK] Back to Sloane... SLOANE: The deal is off. If you go quietly, you leave unharmed. LAUREN: You remind me of my father. When he learned the CIA was close to identifying me as Covenant, he was willing to do anything to protect me, even take the fall. He loved me that much. He's dead now, because reaching this goal is far more important. Sark and Lauren kill the two guards, somehow. [SCENE_BREAK] Junction Box TONI: I'm into his system. It'll be down in seven seconds. SYDNEY: (comm) Bravo, stand by for Go code. WEISS: (comm) Copy, Mountaineer. VAUGHN: (comm) Get to the rendezvous point. TONI: Got it. SYDNEY: (comm) Bravo Team, Go! Shooting starts. [SCENE_BREAK] Sloane again. Sark and Lauren have forced him to inject her. SLOANE: You will regret this. Vaughn and Sydney arrive at the room, and there's shooting. Lauren and Sark escape out a newly shot-out full-height window. Vaughn goes after them... well, after Lauren, at least. I don't think he's quite as upset about being stabbed by Sark as he is getting screwed by Lauren. SYDNEY: Vaughn, we have to secure Nadia! VAUGHN: I'm going after Lauren! SYDNEY: Vaughn! Sydney's not too terribly happy. Vaughn runs outside, and runs into Weiss. [SCENE_BREAK] Back inside... SYDNEY: Get away from her. SLOANE: Sydney, please... SYDNEY: Now. Now! Sydney takes the restraints off of Nadia More flunkies arrive to protect Sloane. FLUNKIES: We've got to go, now! Go! The flunkies pin Sydney down while Sloane escapes. Meanwhile, Weiss and Vaughn find Sark and Lauren outside, and start chasing them. But Lauren has a rocket launcher in her Humvee, and she blows up the CIA van that's conveniently parked nearby, to force Vaughn and Weiss to find cover. [SCENE_BREAK] Back Inside... One of Sloane's goons is still around, or else has recently arrived. GOON: Freeze! Nadia shoots him. Sydney and Vaughn help Nadia to the helicopter. [SCENE_BREAK] Helicopter SYDNEY: You're safe. I promise you he'll never hurt you again. Nadia's incredulous. NADIA: He protected me. [SCENE_BREAK] Briefing Room DIXON: Your sister is listed in stable condition. The drawings and text you recovered are in analysis. MARSHALL: Now, we don't have every piece but I may have enough to extrapolate a location. I should know in a day or two. DIXON: The only blemish on a job well done is a debrief I received from the tac team leader indicating that an initial failure to secure Nadia provided Sloane an opportunity to escape. Is there anything to that? SYDNEY: No, there isn't. [SCENE_BREAK] Rotunda After the meeting... SYDNEY: I won't cover for you like that again. You violated mission protocol and left Nadia behind. Nadia saved my life. VAUGHN: It was a judgment call. I would never put your life in jeopardy. SYDNEY: You saw a chance to get Lauren and you took it, no matter what. You didn't have my back. VAUGHN: We got Nadia. That's what counts. SYDNEY: I understand what you're going through, what it feels like to be betrayed. You saw how my hatred of Sloane consumed me. SYDNEY: Vaughn, you saved me from that, from letting my anger turn me into a different person. And now it is my turn to do that for you. SYDNEY: But you have to let me. You have to listen to me when I tell you the person you are right now is not the person you want to be. SYDNEY: I told you I didn't know if we could figure things out between us. I still don't. But I do know we can't even begin to try until you deal with this. [SCENE_BREAK] Rotunda DIXON: Jack. Our concern with Nadia has made Irina's affair with Sloane common knowledge around here. That can't be easy on you. If you want to talk... JACK: I'm good, thanks. [SCENE_BREAK] Los Angeles [SCENE_BREAK] Jack shows up at Katya's. JACK: For the record, I can go through this alone. They kiss. [SCENE_BREAK] Vaughn opens Jack's storage facility and picks out a rifle (Remington 700, maybe). He flips up only one scope cover (go Vaughn, always in the dark!), aims at something -- presumably a wall -- and pulls the trigger. Cut to black.

With the aid of Katya Derevko and CIA imprisoned security systems designer Toni Cummings, Sydney and Vaughn attempt to track down Sloane and Nadia. But Lauren and Sark are also in hot pursuit of them in order to uncover the secrets of Rambaldi. Meanwhile, Vaughn's obsession with tracking down Lauren is beginning to consume him, Sydney and Vaughn turn the tables on an old foe, and Katya expresses her attraction to Jack.

fd_The_L_Word_01x06

fd_The_L_Word_01x06_0

INT. - MARSIE & CHICK'S SUB SHOP - NIGHT [A sign advertises a not-so-tantalizing "Sierra Smoked Turkey with rasberry and chipolte sauce" - the misspellings theirs. The store sign above it reads, "Marsie & Chick's Sub Shop" and below that reads "Low-Fat Solutions".] [Music plays. Sounds of the city can be heard from outside. The store is deserted, all except for a couple of teenaged, female employees who're behind the counter. Katie absently wipes the counter; Roxanne leans against the opposite counter, watching her.] [title card: Detroit Michigan, Two Years Ago] [The manager, a lanky guy about their age, comes in from the back.] Manager: Hey! Roxanne! You got time to lean, you got time to clean, allright? Let's go. [Roxanne lazily pushes a broom around a little bit, still watching Katie.] Manager: That's more like it. [The manager leaves to the backroom.] Roxanne: (to Katie) What a tool. [Katie smiles. Roxanne walks up to her. They start kissing and making out. The manager starts back to the front and stops when he sees them through the backroom door. He unzips his pants and starts m*st*rb*t*ng.] [main title] INT. - GAY DANCE CLUB - NIGHT [Clive is guiding Shane through the all-male dance club. Shane looks a tiny bit uncomfortable, possibly from the prospect of meeting Harry Samchuck. The dance floor is packed, dance music blares from the club speaker system, and colored lights and strobes flash throughout.] [Shane follows Clive through the dance floor. Lots of guys are dancing, having a good time. Clive waves to Harry and Harry's friend, who are standing by the bar.] Harry: (to friend) Oh, good, he brought him. [Harry's friend snorts something from a bullet capsule.] Harry: (to friend, re: Shane) Oh, divine, no? [Harry twirls the bullet in his fingers. Clive and Shane arrive.] Harry: Hey! [Clive tries to grab the bullet.] Harry: (pulling bullet away) Ah, ah, ah! No, no, no, no! Who raised you, wolves? [Shane steps up to the bar.] Harry: We make with some introductions before we reach for the drugs. Friend: That's right. [Harry walks up to Shane and grabs her ass.] Shane: What the f*ck! [Harry laughs.] Clive: Harry, Shane. Shane, Harry. Harry: (to Shane) You are... delicious. Shane: (to Clive) Why didn't you tell him? Clive: I didn't have a chance. I was going to but - Harry: (looking at Shane) Ooh! Tell me! Tell me what. Clive: Well, Harry, Shane's a... Harry: (looking at Shane) Shane's a what? (to Clive) Shane is an... ex-con, a murderer, perhaps! (to Shane) Oh, god, please tell me you're not heterosexual! Shane: I'm a girl. Female. Harry. [Harry looks at Shane, stunned, then looks at Clive. Clive smiles and nods. Harry looks at Shane.] Harry: (laughing) My, my, my! Androgyny confounds, doesn't it? (to Clive) Well, I suppose it's revolutionary but I must admit I am disappointed because it's always the skinny boys that have... [Harry reaches over and sticks something down the front of Clive's pants.] Harry: ... oooh, the biggest cocks! Shane: You're a real f*cking charmer, you know that? Harry: Mmmm! [Shane walks a few feet away to stand at another part of the bar. A couple of shirtless bartenders are mixing drinks.] Harry: Just gorgeous! Clive: Shane... Harry: Oooh! INT. - TIM & JENNY'S HOUSE - BEDROOM - NIGHT [Tim gets up and sits on the edge of the bed. He sighs. The clock flips over from 2:59 AM to 3:00 AM. He gets up and parts the blinds to look out the window, then puts on some pants and some sparring gloves.] INT. - BETTE & TINA'S HOUSE - NIGHT [Tina is sitting on the sofa, reading "What To Expect When You're Expecting". Bette comes in and sits on the sofa. She puts Tina's feet in her lap and rubs them.] Bette: Is there anything I can do for you? [Tina looks at her and shakes her head 'no'.] Bette: Anything at all? You don't feel sick do you? Tina: Just awake. That feels good, though. Bette: You know, you can sleep on the whole plane ride. You'll have a couple hours at the hotel, too, just before the opening. [Tina reads her book.] Bette: If you could have anything right now, what would it be? Tina: Uh, something cold. Like sorbet? Only sweeter. Like those, uh, rocket popsicle things. Bette: A Slurpee. [Tina grins.] Bette: 'K. [Bette gets up and goes in the other room.] Bette: (sing-song) A Slurp-ee. INT. - GAY DANCE CLUB - NIGHT [The bartenders are serving drinks. People are dancing. Shane is at the bar a few feet away from Clive and Harry and a friend of Harry's. She has her back to them and looks really uncomfortable.] Clive: You know, Shane and I turned tricks in Santa Monica for six months. Harry: Really? What did, uh, what did our friend do? Clive: She only gave hand jobs. No, no matter how much they offered her. She could've made a lot of money. Harry: Well, that... (touches Clive's nose) is called integrity. (cups Clive's face in his hand). Unfortunately, it's not something that you can buy or... (chuckling) steal in this town. Friend: Friend: No, yeah. Harry: (to Clive) You think, um, I don't know, you think she would...? Clive: Shane? Oh, no, no. She's through with that. No. She's a hairstylist now. Well - sort of a junior assistant shampoo girl, aspiring... [Harry walks away and over to Shane.] Harry: (to Shane) So are you good at it? Shane: (turns to Harry) Am I good at what? [Clive and Harry's friend come over and listen.] Harry: Because I am going to send you Cherie Jaffe. She's my business partner's wife, and if there's a corporation of Hollywood wives, Cherie Jaffe is the CEO. Shane: So what? Harry: So, if she likes what you do to her, you'll be the hottest hairdresser that Hollywood has ever seen before you even know what hit you. [Harry walks away. Clive's eyes are big as saucers. Shane seems a little confounded and wary.] Friend: Have a bump, Clive. [Harry's friend gives Clive the bullet.] Clive: (to Friend) Thank you. (to Shane) Oh, my god. Is this not the coolest looking bullet you've ever seen? [Clive puts the bullet to his nose and snorts. He hands it to Shane, then kisses Harry's friend on the cheek. Shane hesitates, then snorts. After a couple of seconds, she looks up and wrinkles up her nose.] Shane: Oh, I thought that was gonna be blow! What is that? Friend: Everyone's doing Oxy these days. Hey. Harry loves you. You're gonna be huge. [Shane starts to smile. She and Friend shake hands.] Shane: Thank you. [Shane turns back to the bar. Friend pats her on the shoulder.] Friend: Nice work. [Shane starts to look a little woozy. She looks down and puts a hand to her forehead.] EXT. - TIM & JENNY'S HOUSE - BACKYARD - NIGHT [Tim is punching a punching bag. After a few moments, Bette walks up, a Slurpee in her hand. Tim exhausts himself, and bends over to catch his breath. He sees Bette. She waves.] Tim: (catching breath) Sorry. Was I making too much noise? Bette: (smiling) No. No, I just... (holding up Slurpee cup) Tina had a late-night craving. [Tim steadies the bag and catches his breath.] Bette: Do - do you want to talk about it? [Tim nods.] EXT. - TIM & JENNY'S HOUSE - BACK PORCH - NIGHT [Tim and Bette are sitting, talking. Tim is wiping his face with a towel.] Tim: I'm a f*cking idiot. Bette: (sipping on Slurpee) No you're not. I mean, it was a total shocker. I never would have figured Jenny would ever be unfaithful to you - Tim: I married her, Bette. Eight hours after I walked in on her with Marina's head between her legs, we're saying "I do" in some... white trash chapel in Tahoe. Bette: (a beat) Oh. Tim: Yeah. See what I mean? Bette: Well, you know, I mean, we do - we do crazy things sometimes when we think we're gonna lose someone. I completely understand why you did it. Tim: I just... woke up in the middle of the night in that hotel room. I'd never felt so empty, so just... so full of nothing. I... I left her there. I just walked out on her. But now I have no idea where she is. Bette: Listen, I know. I know it must really hurt, but... Jenny is a writer, you know? I mean, writers crave experience. I mean, what if that's all it was with Marina? Tim: What, craving experience? You think so? I think it was you f*cking dykes, that's what - Bette: Hey, don't curse us all, allright. That's why Tina and I left your dinner party, because we didn't wanna be any part of it. [Tim looks at Bette.] Bette: Oh, my... um... you didn't know it was already going on then? [Tim gets up.] Bette: Uh, Tim, I didn't... I'm so sorry. I... (sighs) I didn't say anything... I didn't know what to do. I mean, you're my friend, and sometimes... (sighs) people kill the messenger. Tim: How long was it going on? Bette: You know, I think you should ask Jenny that question. Tim: (upset) Why won't anyone tell me the truth, Bette?! Bette: No more than a month, okay? Tim: (upset) How many times?! Bette: (defensive) Tim, I have no way of knowing that. Tim: (upset) What, 10? 100? I mean, c'mon, Bette, I thought we were friends, right? Bette: (defensive) I am your friend! I just - I don't know! [Tim walks into his house.] Bette: I'm sorry. EXT. - A HIGHWAY SOMEWHERE - DAY [Jenny sits on the side of the highway, writing in a notebook. Cars go whizzing past a few feet away.] Jenny: (voice over) Tim. For you, my heart. Ripped from my chest. Eviscerated, I am. INT. - TIM & JENNY'S HOUSE - DAY [Tim lays on the couch. He is anxious. The phone sits on the coffee table. He looks at it and sighs. It rings.] Tim: (phone) Hello? (a beat) No. I don't want to f*cking switch long distance companies. [Tim throws the phone in the floor.] Bette: (voice over) (phone) Okay, we're staying at the Soho Grand - INT. - BETTE & TINA'S HOUSE - BEDROOM - DAY Bette: (phone) - and the Museum of New Art is Midtown, so that means the car has to be there by 6:30, so we have plenty of time to sit in traffic. [Bette is on her cell phone and busily pulling clothes out of the closet for the suitcase on the bed. Tina sits on the bed, taking deep breaths.] Bette: (phone) (laughs) Okay? Allright. Thanks, James. Bye. (hangs up) (to Tina) Do you feel really awful? [Tina smiles.] Bette: Well, you can sleep in the whole plane ride. And we're in first class, how amazing is that? Tina: Yah, I know! The Peabody Foundation actually included my name on the invitation. (smiling) For the first time, we're not "Bette Porter and Guest". (laughs) Bette: I am gonna pamper you. (sits next to Tina) You won't have to do a thing, I can practically carry you there. [Bette kisses Tina.] Bette: (gets up) Okay? [Tina nods. Bette goes back to packing. Tina tries to get up, but decides to sit back down.] Tina: Ooh... Bette: You're really not up to this, are you? Tina: No, no, I'm fine, I'm fine. (getting up) I'm gonna... (clears throat) I'm gonna pull it together. (chuckles) I am... Ohh... okay. (sits down) I'm just going to sit down. [Bette zips the suitcase and looks at Tina.] Tina: I just need to breathe. Bette: (sits next to Tina) Babe, your health is by far the most important thing in our lives right now. Allright? And if you need to stay home, I will be okay. Tina: Are you sure? I mean, this is so important for you. I really wanna be there. Bette: (smiling) I would rather you came. But you know what? I want you to do what your body is telling you to do. [Tina sighs.] Bette: Okay? [Bette kisses Tina on the forehead.] Tina: I'm sorry, I wish I felt better. Gurudev recommended a Chinese herbalist who has a cure for morning sickness. I'm gonna call and make an appointment. Bette: Oh, that's good. I mean, if Gurudev said - [The doorbell rings. Bette and Tina sigh. Bette gets up.] Tina: Allright. Bette: I'm - I'm really worried about leaving you here by yourself. [Bette grabs her bags.] Tina: No, I'm... gonna be fine. Don't worry. [The doorbell rings.] Tina: I just can't believe I'm not going to New York with you. Bette: You know what? I want you to call me anytime, for any reason. You will, right? [Tina smiles. Bette leans down and kisses her.] Bette: I love you. Tina: Love you. Good luck. Bette: (leaving) Thanks. [Bette turns back and smiles at Tina. The doorbell rings again. Bette leaves. Tina sighs and lays down.] Tina: Oh, god... INTERSTITIAL - SCENES OF L.A. [Shops and cars on a busy street.] INT. - THE PLANET - DAY [Shane's roommates are sitting at a table with notebooks and pens and coffee spread out around them. Alice sits a few feet away, reading a copy of OUT magazine. Jazzy guitar music plays in the background.] Roommate #1: And we can have Go-Go dancers. Hot, sexy, girly-girls. Roommate #3: No, no. What we need is super butch girls, that don't take off their clothes. Roommate #2: Unless they want to. [Roommate #1 gawks and Roommate #2 rolls her eyes at Roommate #3. Roommate #3 writes something down.] Roommate #1: Uh, okay. Uh, what are we gonna call it? Roommate #3: What about... Fuckwad? Roommate #2: Boring. Labia. Roommate #1: Labia's too clinical. Roommate #3: Yeah, too 70s. Okay, how about... (excited) Twat. [Alice peers over her magazine at them.] Roommate #2: Ooh. (nods) Twat is great. Roommate #1: I love Twat. Roommate #3: Me too. Roommate #2: Done. Twat: The Night. (to Roommate #3) Do you think people will get angry? [Alice dials Shane on her cell.] Roommate #1: f*ck 'em! They'll just have to deal with it! It's not like we don't have penises in our faces every day of the week! [Roommate #2 and Roommate #3 nod in agreement.] Roommate #3: Exactly. Roommate #2: Twat: The Night... "Deal With It." Roommate #3: Uh-huh. [The three put their hands together.] Roommate #1/Roommate #2/Roommate #3: Go Twat! [Alice watches with half-amusement.] Alice: (phone) Shane! Where are you. It's really, really lonely here at The Planet. And your roommates are over here saying "twat" like they have Tourette's Syndrome. Dana and Lara left, and all they were doing is giving me the "we f*cked all night and no one else in the world matters" vibe. It was gross. Anyway, I wish you'd come be... surly and cynical with me. Bye. [Alice hangs up. Lisa approaches.] Lisa: Mind if I join you? Alice: (surprised) Hi! No! I mean, yeah! (giggles) [Lisa sits down next to Alice.] Lisa: So, how are things with your mom? Did she get the part in that movie? Alice: Wow. I can't... believe you, uh, you remembered that. Lisa: Well, I was worried about you. You seemed pretty stressed when she phoned. Alice: Yeah. Well, it got a lot worse. But, you don't want - that's boring, you don't wanna hear about it. Lisa: Talk to me. Alice: Okay. Um, allright, well, uh, my mother spent all her money. There was never any part in any movie. Um, let's see. She's in debt up the wazoo, so now her Palms Springs condo is being foreclosed on. And now, my brother and sister both think that I should let her live with me, because, you know, they're married, they have children, y'know. The whole deal. Lisa: They think you're inherently less-than. They treat you like a serf and order you around because you haven't embraced their conventional values. Alice: (blown away) Yeah. Lisa: They think just because they have traditional families and cleave to the ruling class model that you should be compelled to give up your chosen freedom and autonomy. I mean, just because we haven't followed down their strict, limiting, bullshit path to legitimize ourselves in their eyes. Alice: (smiling) Yeah... that's exactly what I was trying to say. INT. - SHANE'S CAR - PARKED OUTSIDE LATHER - DAY [Shane is passed out across the seat, sleeping sound. Her boss, John, knocks frantically on the passenger window, which is partly open. He sticks his head sideways to talk through it.] John: Shane! Shane! [Shane jolts awake.] Shane: Wha... John: You get your ass out of there, get inside, and get cleaned up... Shane: Ah, f*ck... John: ... before one of the clients sees you! Shane: (struggling to sit up) Hey, John. John: Oh, no, no, no, no. Don't you "Hey, John" me. You are a frightening mess in front of my shop! [Someone nearby honks a car horn.] Shane: (struggling to sit up) Oh, sh1t. John: You know what? I do not care what skanky things you did to which skanky people to get into this state! But I will not tolerate you bringing that skank into my shop! Do you understand me?! Shane: (sitting up) Yeah, yeah. I hear - I hear - I hear ya. [Shane starts to go back to sleep.] John: Get out. Get out. [John opens the door. Shane nearly falls out.] Shane: Ugh... Okay. [Shane grabs her cigarettes off the dashboard and gets out.] INT. - THE PLANET - DAY [Tina joins Alice and Lisa at their table.] Alice: Hey! I was just gonna call you. I swear. Bette told me to let you sleep 'til 10:30. Tina: She called you? Alice: Yeah. On the way to the airport at, like, 6 this morning, thank you. [Alice chuckles and looks at Lisa. He smiles.] Alice: (to Tina) So how you feelin'? Tina: Well, I'm fine now that I've puked up most of my internal organs. Doctor Wilson thinks that I should go on these progesterone suppositories, but I'm gonna go to this Chinese herbalist this afternoon. Lisa: Can I get you some tea? Something bland to nibble on? Tina: Oh... thanks... I can... I can get it myself. Lisa: No, no. It's my pleasure. [Alice smiles at Lisa. Lisa touches Tina's arm.] Lisa: This is such a... beautiful and crazy time in a woman's body. [Tina raises a brow.] Lisa: I'm jealous my body will never experience what you're experiencing right now. [Tina looks at Alice, then back at Lisa. She smiles. Lisa gets up and goes to the bar. Tina turns around to watch him. Alice smiles and watches him.] [Tina turns back around, smiling, and makes funny faces of astonishment at Alice. She doesn't know what to say. Alice responds in kind. The both chuckle.] INT. - TIM & JENNY'S HOUSE - DAY [Tim dials the phone.] Tim: (phone) Hello? Hi, I'm looking for a guest, Jenny Schecter. Oh, I'm sorry. The room's under Tim Haspel. H-A-S-P - sorry, what time did she check out? EXT. - HIGHWAY - DAY [Jenny stands on the side of a 2-lane highway, thumbing a ride.] Tim: (voice over) f*ck, Jenny! [Cars pass Jenny by. She holds out her thumb and watches them go past.] Jenny: (voice over) (quietly) In addition to my heart, there are some small organs I want to give you: glands, sweetbreads, variety meats. [An SUV pulls over. Jenny walks to the passenger window. After a moment, she gets in the backseat. The SUV pulls away.] EXT. - POLICE STATION - DAY [A nondescript building brick building. A large American flag is draped across part of the exterior.] INT. - POLICE STATION - DAY [Tim stands at the front counter, talking to the officer on duty. A few people wait in line behind him, including a couple of gay guys who whisper and stare as they wait impatiently.] Officer: 4:00 AM Thursday morning. Mr. Haspel, we're not gonna be able to file this until your wife has been gone at least 48 hours. Tim: Allright, look. Can't I just give you a description, that way if she's still not back, you already have the information, and we won't - Officer: Afraid you'll have to come back for that. Tim: But that doesn't make any sense. Allright? I - I need to just tell you what's going on here, that way you can decide what the smart - Gay Guy #1: Excuse me. We're just here to renew our parking passes. Tim: (to Guy) Will you hang on? I'm talking. Okay? [The couple raises their brows at Tim. Tim turns back around to the sergeant.] Tim: Allright. I'm sorry. Let me try this again, okay? My girlfr - I mean, my wife - is, uh... is upset right now. [The officer stares down at Tim. As Tim goes on, the officer rolls his eyes subtly.] Tim: Okay, she's not thinking clearly. Thing is, she was cheating on me. With a woman. [The gay couple behind Tim giggle to themselves.] Tim: Uh, and then we got married. Gay Guy #1: (chuckling) Oh... my god. Gay Guy #2: Quelle horreur. [Tim turns around quickly, pointing at the couple.] Tim: (angry) I'm f*cking serious! Shut up! Gay Guy #1: (to Officer) God, if you find her? You better not return her to him! [Tim rubs his neck.] Officer: As I said, Mr. Haspel. There's nothing the police can do about this matter at this time. [Tim starts to walk away.] Tim: What if it was my boyfriend, huh? Would you help me then? Gay Guy #2: Probably. Officer: That's enough. INT. - LATHER - DAY [John is on the phone at the front desk. Ellie Zimmer, a new client, walks in. Dance music plays in the background.] John: (phone) Uh, can you hold on for just a sec? (to Ellie) Hi, can I help you? (phone) Holding. (puts phone down) Miss Zimmer. Well. Welcome to Lather, and you're such a long way away from your studio. [Ellie checks her watch.] Ellie: I came directly from lunch, and I'm here to see Shane. John: Shane. Shane. Great. Um. Well. [Shane, in sunglasses, sleeps in a salon chair.] John: (to Ellie) I'll go and get her. Why don't you just wait here for a second. And I'll see if she's ready, and, uh, just, um, have a seat. [John darts over to Shane.] John: (to Shane) Shane. Shane! [Shane jolts awake.] Shane: What? John: For god's sakes! Ellie Zimmer is at the front desk! Shane: Who the f*ck is Ellie Zimmer? John: Zimmer, Zimmer. Ellie Zimmer! Studio chiefess, trend priestess, friend of Madonna and J. Lo both at the same time. Shane: (yawns) Oh, yeah. [John puts a hand over his face.] Shane: I know her, Harry sent her. John: Oh, my god. Do you have any idea how huge this is? Ellie Zimmer at Lather, and in your... hands... lord help us, for god's sakes... [Shane yawns again. John kicks her chair.] John: Stand up, clean up, c'mon! [John turns around and pats Shane's chair and walks back to the desk.] John: Miss Zimmer. Ellie. Um, Shane will be right with you, and in the meantime, why don't I offer you a chai tea, a latte, my new screenplay. (chuckles) [Ellie looks over John's shoulder.] Ellie: Is that Shane? [John turns around. Shane smiles weakly. She drags a hand through her messy hair.] John: Yeah, in, uh, all of her glory. Ellie: (smiles) I love Harry. INT. - THE SUV - DAY [Jenny rides in the backseat, staring out the window. She's been crying. A couple of teenagers are in the front. One of them, Malcolm, turns around in his seat and stares at Jenny, then climbs back there with her. Jenny looks surprised.] Malcolm: Hi. [He pulls out a small baggie full of shrooms. Jenny covers her face with her hand.] Malcolm: You want one? Jenny: f*ck. [The girl, who is driving, looks in the rearview.] Malcolm: Please? Pretty-pretty please? Girl: C'mon, Jenny, just - just have a shroom. [Jenny smiles, takes the bag and eats a few. The road stretches out before them, then blurs.] INT. - HERBALIST SHOP - DAY [Tina and two other women wait in the storefront to see the herbalist. One of them is Lei Ling, Marcus Allenwood's girlfriend. Tina doesn't know her yet.] Lei Ling: This guy is the best. After my car accident, he fixed me up good as new. Now, I brought my boyfriend here for his chronic back problems. What are you here for? [The other woman looks at Lei Ling then goes back to her book.] Lei Ling: Is that an inappropriate question? I guess it is. (looks at Tina) Tina: (smiling) Morning sickness. (rubs belly) I'm really hoping that it's gonna work. Lei Ling: He is a miracle worker. I told - [Marcus comes out of the back.] Lei Ling: What did he say, Marcus? [Tina recognizes Marcus and stands up to greet him.] Tina: Marcus! [Marcus walks over, smiling.] Tina: (excited) Oh, my god. Bette and I, we were gonna call you - we, we - we - (giggles) Marcus: Don't tell me. Tina: (nods) We are! We're pregnant! [Tina and Marcus hug.] Marcus: Congratulations! That's awesome! Tina: (laughing) Isn't it great? [Lei Ling stands a few feet away, unhappy.] EXT. - HIGHWAY - DAY [The road. It's blurry.] INT. - THE SUV - DAY [Jenny is stoned. She stares out the window, crying.] Jenny: (whispering) For you, my heart. Malcolm: Why are you here? Jenny: (smiling) Um. 'Cause you gave me a ride. Malcolm: No. I mean, why are you here? Like, why were you hitchhiking? What's up? Are you running away from something? Jenny: (smiling) No, I'm not running away from something. Malcolm: Did you commit a crime? Jenny: (smiling) (shakes head) No, I didn't commit a crime. Malcolm: Well, what was it, then? You did something bad. [Jenny sighs.] Jenny: It's just that I, uh, had this boyfr... this, uh, husband... (smiling) named Tim. And... I love him very much. And then, I, uh, I fell... just like... (gestures) And then, I met this woman named Marina. [The girl glances back in the rearview mirror.] Jenny: And I had this affair. And then Tim found out. [Jenny shakes her head and rolls her eyes.] Girl: So, you're, like, a lesbian? Jenny: (laughs) I don't know. Girl: Dude, you should be really careful about that. Yeah, my friends Roxanne and Katie, they got totally busted being lesbos in the restaurant where they worked... they were, like, going down on each other or something and the manager saw, and totally - he ratted them out to their parents. And they got sent away to boarding school, and... one of them killed herself. Jenny: (distant) Oh. That's really horrible. Girl: So, be careful. Malcolm: (to Jenny) Those weren't her friends. It was an Afterschool Special. Girl: Whatever. She - she totally died. [Jenny smiles and stares out the window.] INT. - HERBALIST SHOP - DAY Lei Ling: Sperm donor. You never told me you were a sperm donor. Marcus: Babe, it's not a big deal. Lei Ling: Not a big deal? (steps up to Marcus) (yelling) Listen! The lifecycle of a sperm cell is 72 hours! [Tina looks nervous. The other customer gets up and leaves.] Lei Ling: The sperm you gave her was in you when you and I made love! Those are not your sperm to give! Tina: (smiling) I'm sorry, I think that you, um... I'm sorry, what's your name again? Lei Ling: Well, what's your f*cking name? [Tina sits down.] Lei Ling: What if we decide to have a baby? That (pointing) will be a half-brother or sister! So, were you thinking we'll all get together for Christmas? Birthdays? Or were you planning to never even tell me?! [Tina watches, thunderstruck. The herbalist, behind the counter, implores the two.] Herbalist: Excuse me. Marcus: Lei Ling, you're way ahead of yourself. Lei Ling: Way ahead of myself?! (gesturing) You are planting your seed all over creation, and I'm ahead of myself? You're an asshole! And that means you're... behind yourself! [The herbalist walks over.] Herbalist: (pointing) I'm going to have to tell you to take this outside! Lei Ling: (speaks Chinese) Take yourself outside! [Marcus quickly escorts Lei Ling outside.] Tina: Bye, Marcus... [Tina tries to regroup when the assistant snaps at her.] Herbalist: (pointing) You! Outside! Tina: (pointing at self) What? Herbalist: Yes, you! (pointing) Outside! INT. - THE SUV - DAY [Still driving along a tiny highway. Jenny and Malcolm are still in the backseat. She's writing in a notebook. Malcolm rests his head on her shoulder.] Malcolm: What are you writing? Jenny: A letter to Tim. Malcolm: (smiling) Will you read it to me? Jenny: (shaking head) Mm-mm. Malcolm: Please? Girl: Jesus Christ, would you please read to him? Jenny: (whispering to Malcolm) Okay. "Tim. For you, my heart... Ripped from my chest. Eviscerated, I am. And if I could, I would plunge my fingers... [Jenny cups a hand over her mouth to whisper.] Jenny: ... "through my chest and rip out my heart and give it to you. A pulpy mass... of morbid diathesis." Malcolm: What's diathesis? Jenny: Um... it's like a susceptibility to disease. It's like... all those parts of me that are susceptible to invasion. Malcolm: Wow. Morbid diathesis, morbid diathesis, morbid diathesis, morbid diathesis, mor - but that would mean it would be putrid. What good would it do to offer Tim a pile of sick meat? [Jenny rolls her eyes, unable to explain. She sighs.] Malcolm: Please read some more. Jenny: (smiling) "In addition to my heart, there are some small organs that want to give you: glands... sweetbreads... variety meats." [Malcolm sits up, squinting at something offcamera. Jenny looks at him, then looks at whatever he's looking at. She sighs.] EXT. - HERBALIST SHOP - DAY [Tina comes out and heads to her car. Lei Ling, standing outside, approaches her.] Lei Ling: (yelling) It's not fair to me! How could you do this? [Tina looks worried. She walks quickly to her car, parked a few feet away on the curb. Lei Ling follows her.] Lei Ling: (yelling) What kind of woman wants the child of a man she barely knows? [Tina tries to get in her car, but Lei Ling stands in front of the car door.] Lei Ling: You have not heard the end of this, lady. I know my way around the legal system. And I can tell you Marcus and I have rights over this child! And I will sue if I have to. [Lei Ling walks away, toward a white Jeep that has just pulled up. Marcus is driving. Tina quickly gets into her car and locks the door as the Jeep pulls away.] [Tina watches the Jeep drive off, then dials her cell phone in a panic.] Tina: (phone) (panicked) (voice wavering) Oh, baby?! God, I'm really flipping out right now. Something horrible just happened. I just... I really need to talk to you. Where are you? (nods) Okay, you're probably on your way to M.O.N.A. Um, don't worry... I'm gonna be okay. Just call me when you get this. Okay, bye. [Tina hangs up and takes a deep breath.] Tina: f*ck. INT. - LATHER - DAY [Shane leans against the counter. John is taking down Ellie's credit card info. Ellie's hair is freshly styled.] Ellie: Harry was right, you are a hair genius, Shane. No one else is gonna touch me. Shane: Thank you. John: Yeah. It looks great, really fantastic. (pats Shane's shoulder) Nice work, Shane. (to Ellie) You know, I might have done something... just a little different... may I touch you? Right... [John leans over and brushes Ellie's hair back off her face.] John: ... here. Oh, now that's perfect. [Ellie fixes her hair.] Ellie: (to John) Hm-mm. (to Shane) What are you doing tomorrow night? Do you want to come to a screening of the new Steven Soderbergh film? Harry'll be there. John: Yeah, I'm free. Ellie: Shane? Shane: Yeah, um... sounds kind of beast, uh... but thank you. [Ellie extends her hand. Shane takes it. Ellie slips a number into Shane's palm.] Ellie: Call me. Shane: Okay. [Ellie lets go. Shane looks at the number.] Ellie: (to John) Don't you just llllllove her? [Ellie takes her receipt from John's hand and heads to the door.] John: She's the best. Ellie: Fantastic! Shane: Anytime. Ellie: Thank you. Shane: Sure. John: Bye... [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. - BETTE & TINA'S HOUSE - FRONT PORCH - NIGHT [A gift basket sits by the door. Tina sees it and takes the card. The front reads, "Baby, I love you". On the inside is written, "For my baby and our baby, Love you B". Tina smiles.] INTERSTITIAL - SCENES OF MANHATTAN [A busy boulevard, traffic, street lights and store signs.] EXT. - MONA - NIGHT [People walk past a sign that advertises the "Provocations" exhibit.] INT. - MONA - NIGHT [The museum is packed with people who are all milling around and admiring the exhibit. Bette mingles among them.] INT. - BETTE & TINA'S HOUSE - NIGHT [Tina sits in a chair, checking out the gift basket and listening to her answering machine messages. She presses a button. The machine beeps.] Alice: (machine) Hey, it's Al. Um, Dana and Snookums said they were bringing you chow, so I'm gonna come over a little later, after my situation. That's what I like to call dinner when I have no idea whether it's a date or not. Allright, see ya. [Tina smiles. The machine beeps.] Dana: (machine) Hi, it's me, Dana. Uh, Lara and I will be over at 7, and we'll get some takeout from that Thai place you love, okay? Bye. [Tina puts some lotion on her hands. The machine beeps.] Shane: (machine) Hey, T., it's Shane. Look, Bette called and said we should still do poker even though she's outta town. [Tina rubs some lotion on her belly. The machine beeps.] Lei Ling: (machine) You can't walk away from me like that. It's easy for me to find out where you live! I want you to know that! That is not your baby! [Tina quickly stops the playback. She picks up the phone and dials Bette.] Tina: (phone) (upset) Baby? I'm sorry to bother you, but, I'm just really desperate. Something terrible's happening and I - I really need to talk to you. Okay? Allright, so call me back. Please? [She hangs up.] INT. - TIM & JENNY'S HOUSE - NIGHT [Randy and Carolyn are over, talking to Tim. Tim is pacing.] Randy: I mean, honestly. I would've left, too, man. I mean, I probably wouldn't have gone up there in the first place, but what I'm saying is, you did the right thing. I mean, you had to get out of there. Clear your head. Carolyn: I'm worried. There are a lot of sickos out there. Serial killers. [Tim looks queasy.] Randy: Carolyn... Carolyn: Well, she left the motel when? Day before yesterday? And nobody's heard from her? Not - she hasn't checked in with anybody? Tim: (worried) f*ck. Carolyn: Has anybody called her mother? Somebody should check with her mother. Tim: Sandy. sh1t, I should've called Sandy. INT. - BETTE & TINA'S HOUSE - NIGHT [Tina is on the phone. Unfortunately, it's Lei Ling.] Lei Ling: (phone) Marcus is my boyfriend! And I am not - [Tina slams the phone down. Someone knocks at the door. Tina, paranoid, peeks through the window. It's Dana and Lara, bearing takeout sacks. Tina opens the door.] Tina: Oh, god! Thank god you're here! [Dana and Lara come in and set the takeout down on the table.] Tina: She just called again. This woman is totally crazy. Dana: Who is she? Lara: Do you really think she's gonna come over here? [Tina closes the door.] Tina: (worried) I don't know if she's even capable of anything. Dana: (to Lara) Allright. Let's go around the house, make sure all the doors and windows are locked. [Tina locks the door and peeks out the window. Dana and Lara start with the windows nearby.] Lara: Yeah, that's a good idea. You're so smart. Dana: No. You're the smart one. Lara: No, only in cooking. Dana: No, and photography. Lara: But you have mind and body intelligence. [Tina stops and raises a brow at the two.] Dana: (giggles) (to Lara) No, you do. [Dana and Lara stand close to one another, smiling and giggling.] Lara: No, you do. Dana: Shut up. I said it first. Lara: I said it second. [Dana laughs, then sees Tina.] Dana: Sorry. [Lara heads off to check the other doors and windows.] INT. - TIM & JENNY'S HOUSE - NIGHT [Tim is on the phone to Jenny's mother, Sandy. Randy and Carolyn sit nearby.] Tim: (phone) Hi. It's Tim. Yeah, Timothy. Good, uh... actually, not so good. Uh, Sandy, I don't know where Jennifer is. (a beat) She's missing. And I'm kinda worried, to tell you the truth. Yeah, I just, uh, didn't want to alarm you. I just thought you should know and we need to - what? When? No. No. I don't think she's insane at all. No, I think she knows exactly what she's doing, Sandy. Yeah. I'm glad she's allright, too. I need to go. Allright? Yeah, thanks. [Tim slams the phone down angrily.] Tim: (shouting) Dammit! Randy: (standing) Whoa, calm down. What happened? Tim: She called her mother over an hour ago. Carolyn: (sighs) She's okay. That's really good. Tim: Yeah, so where the f*ck is she? Carolyn: (sighs) If I had to guess, I'd say she probably... [Carolyn and Randy look at each other. Tim turns around and grabs his keys off a desk.] Tim: Um, thanks a lot for coming over, you guys, really. Randy: Where you going? Tim: (grabbing jacket) I don't know. I just need to get out of here. INT. - BETTE & TINA'S HOUSE - NIGHT [A knock at the door. Alice and Lisa enter. Music plays in the background.] Alice: Hi. [Shane, Dana, Lara and Tina are seated around the coffee table with beers and water. Shane is shuffling a deck of cards.] Shane: Hey. Hey, guys. Liquor in the front, poker in the rear. Alice: Ugh. Do you have to make that joke every time we play this game? Shane: Yes, I do. [Alice and Lisa sit down at the coffee table. Shane starts dealing cards.] Alice: (to Tina) So, what's happening with the psycho lady? Is she still calling or what? Tina: We unplugged the phone. Shane: (dealing cards) Allright. Dollar ante. You in, Leese? Lisa: Yeah. [Lisa pulls out his billfold, pulls out two dollars and puts them on the table.] Lisa: One for the lady. [Tina smiles. Dana raises her brows. Alice takes up her hand and smiles.] INT. - MONA - NIGHT [The exhibit continues. People are milling around, talking about Bette. As we look around at the artwork, we hear some of their comments. Music plays in the background.] Person #1: She went right to Peggy? That takes balls. Person #2: What's her name? Person #3: Bette Porter. The director of the California Arts Center. [Bette talks to a woman.] Woman: I was extremely impressed how you went up in the face of the big boys. I, uh... I'm honored to meet you. [Bette and the woman shake hands. Bette beams.] Bette: (smiling) Oh. Thank you. Woman: The sister that snatched the show from under MOCA's nose. INT. - BETTE & TINA'S HOUSE - NIGHT [A knock at the door. Tina looks through the window, then unlocks the door and lets Kit in.] Shane: Hey, Kit. Liquor in the front and poker in the rear, huh? Kit: (chuckling) Neither, thanks. (to Tina) Hey. Are you okay? [Kit and Tina hug.] Kit: Oh. What is wrong with my baby sister to go off and leave her pregnant wife all alone for some crazy-ass bitch to go off on? [Tina sits back down. Kit joins the others at the table. Shane deals her in.] Kit: Bring her on. I wish she would bring her face up in here, that would be the last time. Look at all these women! [Kit notices Lisa for the first time.] Kit: (pointing to Lisa) And dude. We... will... kick... ass. Dana/Lara: Yeah. Shane: Right! Tina: Yeah! Alice: Yeah! [Kit bangs on the table a few times in agreement.] Kit: I mean, what's wrong with her? I'm sure the man has enough sperm for everybody. [Everybody laughs.] Dana: (raising fist) Yeah! EXT. - THE PLANET - NIGHT [Tim stands outside, banging on the door.] Tim: Jenny. (bangs on door) Jenny! [Footsteps are heard inside. Tim bangs harder on the door. Marina opens it. Tim pushes past her and barges in, looking around.] Tim: Where is she? Marina: Why don't you come in? [Tim walks through The Planet quickly, looking all over the place.] Tim: Where is she? Marina: She's not here. You need to calm down. [Tim furiously pushes in Marina's office door, looking for Jenny. Marina walks back into the store and stands by the bar. Tim walks back toward her, mad as hell.] Tim: (angrily) Don't f*cking tell me to calm down, you vulture, where is she?! Marina: Last time I saw Jenny, she told me she never wanted to see me again, remember? Tim: You have no conscience, do you? You don't even feel bad. [Marina looks back at something on the bar.] Tim: (angrily) Tell me something, when you were sitting at my house eating dinner, did you think for a second that maybe your actions weren't altogether - (hits bar) look at me! [Marina looks up and stares icily at Tim.] Tim: (angrily) That it might not be altogether honorable? Marina: (a beat) Honorable? Tim: Yeah, what, you don't know what that means? Or is it just not important to you? [Marina says nothing. She continues to give him an impassive stare. He menacingly points a finger in her face.] Tim: (angrily) See, right there, that f*cking kills me! You just standing there saying nothing! (a beat) You lied to me! You got my girlfriend to lie to me, too, and you have nothing to say for yourself?! Marina: Jenny's responsible for her own actions. (sternly) As we all are. (a beat) I don't think it's me you're angry with. Tim: Don't tell me how I feel. (angrily) Do not! You preyed on her. Pretended to be her friend! Playing your phony intellectual games just to get into her pants! You know what? [Tim steps into Marina's face.] Tim: You are f*cking pathetic, Marina. Do you hear me? [Marina smiles.] Tim: That's funny? You find that f*cking funny? Look at me. Marina: Yeah. Tim: What is it you do? You girls? Should I even care? Huh? Does it even count? [Marina looks down her nose at Tim.] Marina: Well, you were there. You saw how much it counts. [Tim and Marina stare daggers at each other. Marina pushes him.] Marina: You need to leave, now. [Tim pushes her back, hard. Marina reels.] Tim: Don't f*cking touch me! [Marina pushes him back harder, toward the door.] Marina: Jenny's not here. Now, get out of here. [Tim grabs Marina's arms and holds them so she can't get away.] Marina: (quietly) What are you trying to prove? [Marina tries to get out of his grip, but he holds on to her.] Tim: What do you think? Marina: I don't know, Tim. You tell me. Tim: (shakes Marina) Look at me. [Marina looks Tim dead in the eye.] Tim: (quietly) Do you think I'm f*cking joking? Marina: No. Tim: (nods) That's it. Marina: Really? [Tim lets go of Marina and heads out the door. Marina locks the door behind him and picks her bag up off the floor.] INT. - BETTE & TINA'S HOUSE - NIGHT [The gang is playing poker. Lisa is out of the room.] Dana: (to Alice) Okay, so, what's the scoop? Is the lesbo man dating the fake bisexual? [Alice throws food at Dana.] Alice: I am a bisexual. Lara: Okay, I'm confused. Dana: Ah, well, Lisa over here is a lesbian-identified... male. Lara: (to Alice) So what is that, is that like a transsexual? Alice: No. Dana: I wonder how he pees. Sitting down? [Kit shakes her head.] Dana: I don't know. You think, Shane? [The toilet in the hall is heard flushing.] Shane: I never peed with him. I don't know. Tina: (to Alice) I just want to know, are you into him as a lesbian, or a man? Dana: (to Alice) Maybe you should call yourself a trisexual? Kit: (chuckles) Damn, what is it with you people and your need to take apart everything and process each little detail? [Lisa comes back and sits back down next to Alice.] Kit: If the dude wanna give up his white man rights to be a second-class citizen, then hey, welcome to our world. [Everyone takes a second to consider this, then agrees.] Dana: Okay, she's got a point. Cheers. Welcome to the fold. [Everyone toasts with their drinks. Alice and Lisa smile at one another.] Shane: Welcome. Welcome to the heavenly gates. EXT. - MONA - NIGHT [Bette is walking down the street. She checks her messages on her cell phone and hears Tina's message. She dials home. The machine picks up.] Machine: (Bette) Hi, it's Bette and Tina's. Leave a message after the beep. [The machine beeps.] Machine: The mailbox you are trying to access is full. Please try again later. [Bette hangs up and dials Kit's house, then flags down a taxi. Roger answers the phone.] Bette: Yeah, hi, Roger, it's me, Bette. Did Kit say what the emergency was? (a beat) How long ago did Tina call? [A taxi pulls up. Bette opens the door to get in.] Bette: (phone) Okay, allright, thanks. (to driver) I need to go to the Soho Grand. INT. - BETTE & TINA'S HOUSE - NIGHT [The game is over and everyone is scattered around, sleeping on the floor and sofas. Lara and Dana sleep next to each other on the floor.] Dana: I can't sleep. Lara: Me neither. [Lara looks up. Shane, Kit, Alice and Lisa are asleep on the floor and sofas nearby.] Lara: Everyone else can. Dana: What are you doing? [Lara unbuttons Dana's pants.] Dana: No, don't, stop, we can't, we can't, we can't... Lara: Who says? [They kiss. Dana keeps looking around nervously. Nobody is awake. Dana and Lara start to quietly make love. After a moment, their moans and sighs get louder. Alice opens her eyes, then Shane; Dana and Lara don't notice.] Lara: (whispering) I'm finding this sexy. What about you? Dana: (whispering) We have to be really quiet. [They get louder. Kit wakes and grins. Dana and Lara are moaning and panting, completely in the throes of passion. Alice grins and squints her eyes shut.] [Kit clears her throat to get Dana's and Lara's attention.] Dana: sh1t, sh1t! [The two stop, embarrassed. Dana freaks out and Lara giggles. Dana rolls into a ball, hiding her face in her hands.] Dana: God, it's not funny. INT. - THE SUV - NIGHT [Jenny is now driving, and still crying. She dozes off for a second. The computerized map on the dashboard pings.] Computerized Voice: You missed your last turn. Make a U-turn at the light. Girl: (to Jenny) Don't listen

A rising artist in New York tests Bette's commitment while Tina has an unpleasant run-in with Lei Ling, the sperm donor's girlfriend, who begins to harass her. Alice meets a man named Lisa, who claims to be a "lesbian in a man's body." Tim, still mistrustful of Jenny after their quickie wedding, returns home alone, leaving Jenny on her own. While hitchhiking back to Los Angeles, Jenny gets a ride from two disaffected teenagers in whom she confides about her troubled life. Also, Shane is excited that Harry wants to refer celebrity clients to her for hairstyling.

fd_Teen_Wolf_02x01

fd_Teen_Wolf_02x01_0

[b]Allison[/b]: No, dad! Dad! He saved our lives! Your life! You can't do this! Dad, let him go! Please let him go, and I'll do - I'll do whatever you want! Okay? I swear. I won't - I won't see him again. I promise, ever again, dad. Please, dad, please. Please! Please! [b]Chris[/b]: Never again. [b]Scott[/b]: How much time do we have? [b]Allison[/b]: They'll be gone an hour. [ BEACON HILLS MEMORIAL ] [b]Stiles[/b]: Ohh - Just like that. No, no, you first. Me first? [b]Mr. Martin[/b]: You want help getting in the shower? [b]Lydia[/b]: Maybe if I was four. And still taking bubble baths. [b]Mr. Martin[/b]: Right, I'll just wait outside then. Where it's slightly less sarcastic. [b]Mr. Martin[/b]: He's been here all night. [b]Melissa[/b]: He's been here all weekend. [b]Stiles[/b]: You're dirty. [b]Scott[/b]: Sorry. [b]Allison[/b]: That's okay. [b]Scott[/b]: I'll fix it. [b]Scott[/b]: Okay, that was your fault. [b]Allison[/b]: Sorry. [b]Scott[/b]: Do the right - side brakes on your dad's SUV squeak a little bit? [b]Allison[/b]: Yeah. [b]Scott[/b]: Then we're dead. [b]Allison[/b]: Oh, my God. Hurry. Hurry. [b]Allison[/b]: If you don't trust me enough to let me have a lock on my door, the least you can do is knock. [b]Victoria[/b]: Did I interrupt something? [b]Allison[/b]: Just my studying. My life, my - happiness - will to live. [b]Victoria[/b]: I picked up your dress for the funeral tomorrow. [b]Allison[/b]: You can just put it on my desk. Can I go back to studying now? Or would you like to do a full body cavity search? Mom. Mom! [b]Intercom[/b]: Paging Dr. Stateman. Dr. Stateman, please. [b]Stiles[/b]: Seriously? Come - [b]Stiles[/b]: Just - Gah! It's not gonna work. Whoa! [b]Stiles[/b]: Lydia? Lydia! [b]Melissa[/b]: What the hell was that? [b]Stiles[/b]: Lydia? [b]Scott[/b]: Lydia? [b]Sheriff[/b]: Naked? As in nude? [b]Melissa[/b]: I'm pretty sure they mean the same thing, but, yes, as far as we know, she left here clothing - optional. [b]Sheriff[/b]: All right, you checked the whole hospital, right? [b]Melissa[/b]: Every last corner. [b]Sheriff[/b]: Nothing suspicious? [b]Melissa[/b]: Nothing. She just took off. [b]Sheriff[/b]: All right, let's get an APB out on a 16 - year - old redhead. Any other descriptors? [b]Stiles[/b]: 5'3", green eyes, fair - skinned, and her hair is actually strawberry blonde. [b]Sheriff[/b]: Is that right? [b]Stiles[/b]: Yeah. [b]Sheriff[/b]: Uh - come here. What the hell are you still doing here? [b]Stiles[/b]: Um, providing moral support? [b]Sheriff[/b]: Uh - huh. How 'bout you provide your ass back home, where you should be. [b]Stiles[/b]: Okay, I can do that too. [b]Sheriff[/b]: Yeah. [b]Stiles[/b]: Mm. [b]Sheriff[/b]: We're gonna find her, so don't worry. [b]Scott[/b]: This is the one she was just wearing? I'm not gonna let anyone hurt her. Not again. [b]Stiles[/b]: All right, just shove the thing in your face and let's find her. Wow! [b]Scott[/b]: What are you doing here? Someone's gonna see us. [b]Allison[/b]: I don't care - she is my best friend, and we need to find her before they do. [b]Scott[/b]: I can find her before the cops can. [b]Allison[/b]: How about before my father does? [b]Stiles[/b]: He knows? [b]Allison[/b]: Yeah. I just saw him and three other guys leave my house in two SUVs. [b]Scott[/b]: Search party. [b]Allison[/b]: It's more like a hunting party. [b]Scott[/b]: Get in. [b]Stiles[/b]: All right, but if she's turning, would they actually kill her? [b]Allison[/b]: I don't know. They won't tell me anything. Okay, all they say is, "We'll talk after Kate's funeral, when the others get here." [b]Stiles[/b]: What others? [b]Allison[/b]: I don't know, they won't tell me that yet. [b]Stiles[/b]: Okay, your family's got some serious communication issues to work on. Scott, are we going the right way? [b]Scott[/b]: Take the next right! [b]Isaac[/b]: What the hell? [b]Derek[/b]: Need a hand? [b]Stiles[/b]: She came here? You sure? [b]Scott[/b]: Yeah, this is where the scent leads. [b]Stiles[/b]: All right, but has Lydia ever been here? [b]Allison[/b]: Not with me. Maybe she came here on instinct, like she was looking for Derek. [b]Scott[/b]: You mean - looking for an Alpha. [b]Allison[/b]: Wolves need a pack, right? [b]Scott[/b]: Not all of them. [b]Allison[/b]: But would she have been drawn to an Alpha? Is it an instinct to be part of a pack? [b]Scott[/b]: Yeah, we're - we're stronger in packs. [b]Allison[/b]: Like strength in numbers. [b]Scott[/b]: No, like - like, literally stronger, faster, better in every way. [b]Allison[/b]: That the same for an Alpha? [b]Scott[/b]: That'll make Derek stronger too. [b]Stiles[/b]: Whoa, hey, look at this. You see this? I think it's a tripwire. [b]Scott[/b]: Stiles - [b]Stiles[/b]: Yeah, buddy. Oh. [b]Scott[/b]: Next time you see a tripwire - don't trip it. [b]Stiles[/b]: Yeah, noted. [b]Scott[/b]: Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Someone's coming. Hide. Go! [b]Chris[/b]: Scott? [b]Scott[/b]: Mr. Argent. [b]Chris[/b]: How are you doing? [b]Scott[/b]: Good. You know, just hangin' out. Is this one of yours? It's, uh, good. Nice design. Very constricting. [b]Chris[/b]: What are you doing out here, Scott? [b]Scott[/b]: Looking for my friend. [b]Chris[/b]: Ah, that's right. Lydia's in your group now, isn't she? Part of the clique? Is that the word you use? Or is there another way to put it? Part of your pack? [b]Scott[/b]: Actually, clique sounds about right to me. [b]Chris[/b]: I hope so. 'Cause I know she's a friend of Allison's, and one special circumstance, such as yourself - one, I can handle. Not two. [b]Scott[/b]: No. [b]Chris[/b]: Scott, do you know what a hemicorporectomy is? [b]Scott[/b]: I have a feeling I don't want to. [b]Chris[/b]: A medical term for amputating somebody at the waist. Cutting them in half. Takes a tremendous amount of strength to cut through tissue and bone like that. Let's hope a demonstration never becomes necessary. [b]Allison[/b]: You okay? [b]Scott[/b]: It's just another life - threatening conversation with your dad. [b]Allison[/b]: Stiles, help me with this. [b]Scott[/b]: Thanks. But I think I got it. [b]Stiles[/b]: Yeah. [b]Allion[/b]: Uhh! [b]Scott[/b]: Comin'? [b]Isaac[/b]: It's Lahey. Isaac Lahey. [b]Sheriff[/b]: You work for your father, Isaac? [b]Mr. Lahey[/b]: When he's not in school. Which is where he needs to be in 20 minutes. [b]Sheriff[/b]: Yeah, I understand that. But I've got a missing teenage girl, and our k - 9 unit led us here. She's not wearing any clothes, and if she's out here tonight, and the temperature really drops - [b]Isaac[/b]: I'm sorry, I - I didn't see anything. [b]Mr. Lahey[/b]: Trust me, if he saw a naked girl outside a computer screen, he'd remember. [b]Sheriff[/b]: How'd you get that black eye, Isaac? [b]Isaac[/b]: School. [b]Sheriff[/b]: School fight? [b]Isaac[/b]: Nah, lacrosse. [b]Sheriff[/b]: Lacrosse? You play for beacon hills? [b]Isaac[/b]: Yeah. [b]Sheriff[/b]: My son plays for the team. Well, I mean, he - he's on the team. He doesn't typically play. Not yet, anyway. It's, uh - Something wrong, Isaac? [b]Isaac[/b]: No. Oh, no, sorry. I was just remembering, I actually have a morning practice to get to. [b]Sheriff[/b]: Just one more question. You guys get many grave robberies here? [b]Isaac[/b]: A few. Usually, they just take stuff like jewelry. [b]Sheriff[/b]: What'd this one take? [b]Isaac[/b]: Her liver. [b]Scott[/b]: She ate the liver? [b]Stiles[/b]: No, I didn't say she ate it. I just said it was missing. And you know what? Even if she did, so what? It's the most nutritious part of the body. [b]Scott[/b]: I never ate anyone's liver. [b]Stiles[/b]: Yeah, right, 'cause when it comes to werewolves, you're a real model of self - control. Actually, wait - hold on. You're the test case for this, so we should be going over what happened to you. [b]Scott[/b]: What do you mean? [b]Stiles[/b]: I mean like what was going through your mind when you were turning, you know? What were you drawn to? [b]Scott[/b]: Allison. [b]Stiles[/b]: Okay, nothing else? Seriously? [b]Scott[/b]: Nothing else mattered. But, no, that's good, though, right? 'Cause the night that Lydia was bit, she was with you. [b]Stiles[/b]: Yeah, but she was looking for - Jackson. [ad][/ad] [b]Omega[/b]: Nice car. [b]Jackson[/b]: Here's a dollar. Go find another parking lot to die in. Security! [b]Coach[/b]: Let's go! I have an announcement. Gather round. Quicker! Danny, put a shirt on. Stilinski, that means you! Let's go, gather round. Listen up. Police are asking for help on a missing child advisory. It's a sick girl, roaming around, totally naked. Now, it's supposed to get below 40 degrees tonight. I don't know about you, but the last time it was that cold and I was running around naked - I lost a testicle to exposure. Now, I don't want the same thing happening to some innocent girl. So police are organizing search parties for tonight. Sign up, find the missing girl, you get an automatic "a" in my classes. [b]Jackson[/b]: If Lydia wants to take a naked hike in the woods, why should I care? [b]Scott[/b]: Because we have a pretty good idea that she might be - you know, turning. [b]Jackson[/b]: Turning? [b]Scott[/b]: Yeah. Turning. [b]Jackson[/b]: Into - [b]Stiles[/b]: A unicorn. What do you think, dumbass? [b]Jackson[/b]: Well, I think that if Lydia's turning, she's not the one that's gonna need help. [b]Scott[/b]: What do you mean? [b]Jackson[/b]: Oh, God, you've got it all backwards, McCall. When I was with Lydia, you should have seen the scratch marks she left on me. What do you think she's gonna do with a set of real claws? Heh. [b]Stiles[/b]: All right, it's causing me severe mental anguish to say this, but he's right. [b]Scott[/b]: I know. [b]Stiles[/b]: What if the next body part she steals is from someone who's still alive? [b]Harris[/b]: This is a pop quiz, Mr. Stilinski. If I hear your voice again, I may be tempted to give you detention for the rest of your high school career. [b]Stiles[/b]: Can you do that? [b]Harris[/b]: Well, there it is again. Your voice. Triggering the only impulse I've ever had to strike a student repeatedly and violently. I'll see you at 3:00 for detention. You too, Mr. McCall? [b]Scott[/b]: No, sir. [b]Danny[/b]: Dude - your nose. You okay? [b]Jackson[/b]: Oh, I'm fine, Danny. Just go back to class. Just give me a second, okay? I said give me a frickin' second! Derek. [b]Derek[/b]: You're looking a little pale there, Jackson. You feeling okay? [b]Jackson[/b]: Never better. [b]Derek[/b]: If something's wrong, I need to know. You're with me now. [b]Jackson[/b]: Wait - With you? Me with - With you? What am I, your little pet? I mean, just because you gave me "the bite" doesn't mean I'm part of your little wolf pack. Sorry, but to be honest, you don't exactly show outstanding leadership qualities. [b]Derek[/b]: Is that so? [b]Jackson[/b]: Look, I've got my own agenda. Which doesn't involve running around the woods at night, howling at the moon with you and McCall, okay? So why don't you just back the fu - What is it? What's happening? [b]Derek[/b]: Body's fighting the bite. [b]Jackson[/b]: Why? [b]Derek[/b]: I don't know. [b]Jackson[/b]: What does it mean? What does it mean?! [b]Matt[/b]: Nice dress. [b]Allison[/b]: Nice camera. [b]Harley[/b]: Not her sister, her aunt. The one who murdered all those people. [b]Girl[/b]: You mean the crazy bitch who killed all those people? [b]Harley[/b]: Yeah, the fire, all those animal attacks - it was her aunt. [b]Girl[/b]: Are you kidding? I sit next to her in English. [b]Harley[/b]: Find a new seat. [b]Allison[/b]: How'd you know? [b]Scott[/b]: I could hear your heartbeat. What is it? [b]Allison[/b]: I - I - I - I - I can't - I can't do this. I can't - I can't go to the funeral. Everyone is going to be watching me, and there are going to be cameras there, and I can't - [b]Scott[/b]: Yes, you can. Allison, you'll be fine. Everything's gonna be okay. We're gonna find Lydia, and it's all gonna be good. Just think about it - No Peter. No psycho werewolf killings. Your dad and me. Well, that's a work in progress. [b]Allison[/b]: I can't go and be like this. [b]Scott[/b]: Aren't you supposed to cry at funerals? [b]Allison[/b]: For her. [b]Scott[/b]: It doesn't matter. You know, you could be - Crying for you, you know? You lost someone. Maybe Kate wasn't totally who you thought she was, but you still lost her. [b]Allison[/b]: Yeah. [b]Scott[/b]: You'll be fine. And I'll make sure. I'll be there. [b]Allison[/b]: What? [b]Scott[/b]: I'll figure it out. Okay, I'm - I'll be there. Not - right next to you. But I'll be there. [b]Allison[/b]: Okay. [b]Scott[/b]: You first. [b]Harris[/b]: Sit. [b]Stiles[/b]: What, but it's been an hour. [b]Harris[/b]: My detention's an hour and a half. [b]Stiles[/b]: You can't do that. [b]Harris[/b]: Oh - but I can. You see, Stiles, since your father was so judicious in his dealings with me, I've decided to make you my personal project for the rest of the semester. You are going to benefit from all the best that strict discipline has to offer. Now - sit down, before I decide to keep you here all night. [b]Reporter[/b]: Mrs. Argent, can we get a few words? Just a few words! A few words, Mrs. Argent! [b]Sheriff[/b]: Hold it, hold it, hold it. That's it! [b]Chris[/b]: I knew this was a bad idea. [b]Victoria[/b]: Well, it wasn't my idea. [b]Chris[/b]: I tried telling him. But he insisted on making a point of it. [b]Victoria[/b]: Well, if he insisted, then he can deal with this when he gets here. [b]Allison[/b]: Who gets here? [b]Victoria[/b]: Just sit down, sweetheart. [b]Gerard[/b]: This looks expensive. [b]Matt[/b]: Yeah, 900 bucks. [b]Gerard[/b]: And how expensive is this? [b]Gerard[/b]: Christopher. [b]Chris[/b]: Gerard. [b]Victoria[/b]: I'm so sorry. [b]Stiles[/b]: Yo. [b]Gerard[/b]: Do you remember me? [b]Stiles[/b]: Who the hell is that? [b]Scott[/b]: He's definitely an Argent. [b]Gerard[/b]: Considering I haven't seen you since you were three, I don't suppose I can assume you'd call me grandpa. So if it's comfortable, call me Gerard for the time being. But I'd prefer grandpa. [b]Stiles[/b]: Hey, you know, maybe they're just here for the funeral. I mean - what if they're the non - hunting side of the family? There could be non - hunting Argents. It's possible, right? [b]Scott[/b]: I know what they are. They're reinforcements. [b]Sheriff[/b]: Ah. The two of you. Unbelievable. Pick up my tie. [b]Stiles[/b]: Got it. Sorry. I know, I'm supposed to ask. [b]Officer[/b]: 4 - 1 - 5 Adam. [b]Sheriff[/b]: I didn't copy that. Did you say 4 - 1 - 5 Adam? [b]Stiles[/b]: Disturbance in a car. [b]Officer[/b]: They were taking a heart attack victim - D.O.A. But on the way to the hospital, something hit 'em. [b]Sheriff[/b]: What - hit the ambulance? [b]Officer[/b]: Copy that. I'm standing in front of it right now. Something got in the back. There's blood everywhere. And I mean everywhere. [b]Sheriff[/b]: All right, unit 4, what's your 20? [b]Officer[/b]: Route 5 and post. I swear, I've never seen anything like this. [b]Sheriff[/b]: All right, take it easy. I'm on my way. Now, as for you two - [b]Stiles[/b]: What the hell is Lydia doing? [b]Scott[/b]: I don't know. [b]Stiles[/b]: What kept you from doing that, was it Allison? [b]Scott[/b]: I hope so. [b]Stiles[/b]: Do you need to get closer? [b]Scott[/b]: No, I got it. [b]Stiles[/b]: Just - I just need you to find her. All right? Please, just - just find her. [b]Scott[/b]: I will. [b]Scott[/b]: You're not Lydia. Wait! [b]Stiles[/b]: Just - Lydia? Lydia? Lydia! [b]Lydia[/b]: Well - is anyone gonna get me a coat? [b]Sheriff[/b]: Jesus. Yep, here you go. [b]Scott[/b]: Wait! Stop! What are you doing? I can help him. [b]Derek[/b]: They're already here. [b]Scott[/b]: I can help him! [b]Derek[/b]: Quiet! [b]Chris[/b]: Who are you? What are you doing here? [b]Omega[/b]: Nothing. Nothing, I swear. [b]Chris[/b]: You're not from here, are you? Are you?! [b]Omega[/b]: No. No, I came - I came looking for the Alpha. I heard he was here. That's all. Look, I didn't do anything. I didn't hurt anyone. No one living. He wasn't alive in the ambulance. He wasn't, I swear. [b]Gerard[/b]: Gentlemen! Take a look at a rare sight. You wanna tell them what we've caught? [b]Chris[/b]: An Omega. [b]Gerard[/b]: The lone wolf! Possibly kicked out of his own pack. Or the survivor of a pack that was hunted down. Maybe even murdered. And possibly alone by his own choice. Certainly not a wise choice. Because, as I am about to demonstrate - an Omega rarely survives - On his own. [b]Derek[/b]: Look. Look. Look at them! You see what they do? This is why you need me. Why we need each other. The only way to fight them is together. [b]Scott[/b]: What are they doing? [b]Derek[/b]: Declaring war. [b]Chris[/b]: We have a code. [b]Gerard[/b]: Not when they murder my daughter. No code. Not anymore. From now on, these things are just bodies waiting to be cut in half. Are you listening? Because I don't care if they're wounded and weak. Or seemingly harmless - begging for their life with the promise that they will never, ever hurt anyone. Or some desperate, lost soul with no idea what they're getting into. We find them. We kill them. We kill them all.

Lydia vanishes from the hospital after a disturbing hallucination, and is found naked in the woods two days later. Isaac, a tormented teen abused by his father, is attacked while working in his father's cemetery; Derek appears to save him. Jackson begins bleeding black blood and is told by Derek that his body is resisting the bite. Derek forces Scott to watch Gerard kill an innocent werewolf and declare that they will eliminate all werewolves to avenge his daughter Kate's death.

fd_The_Office_06x22

fd_The_Office_06x22_0

[Andy, Angela, Phyllis, Ryan, Kelly, and Oscar are gathered around Oscar's computer lauging at a video of Cookie Monster] Cookie Monster: [Kevin's voice] Oscar, Toby said he left my Girl Scout cookies on my chair. Have you seen them? Wait I'm sitting on them. [all laugh] Andy: This is awesome! Oscar: Thank you. It didn't even take that long. Cookie Monster: [Kevin's voice] What's the difference between a chimichanga, [Kevin arrives behind the group] a chalupa, and a tostada? Call me back ASAP. It's urgent. Kevin: This isn't funny. I don't talk like that. [all continue laughing] Phyllis: Say "Me eat cookie." Kevin: No. I won't say it. Dwight: Why is everyone clumped around accounting? Break it up, you clique. Ryan: It's Kevin as Cookie monster from Sesame Street. Dwight: [gets up and starts to walk to Oscar's desk] Is that the program where all those puppets live in the barrio? Phyllis: Mm-hmm. Dwight: I love that show. Cookie Monster: [Kevin's voice] This is Kevin. This is Kevin. Ryan: Good work, buddy. Oscar: Thank you. Dwight: That is an amusing link. I'd like it sent to me, please. Oscar: Yes. Kelly: Me, too Oscar. Ryan: C.C. me Kevin: Angela, this is inappropriate. Angela: This is my favorite day. [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: It's Secretary's Day. And it is Erin's and my three-week anniversary. So perfect storm for a romantic gesture. [Andy unfurling a giant "Happy Secretary's Day" banner by reception, placing a teddy bear on Erin's chair]. Want to make sure the whole office remembers it's Secretary's Day. I sent an e-mail blast, a text blast, a good, old-fashioned talk blast. I sent a snail mail blast a week ago. And a Stern reminder via fax at 7:00 this morning, so people better step up and appreciate the crap out of Erin. [SCENE_BREAK] Meredith: Here you go. Erin: Oh, thank you. Andy: I do. Dwight: [hands Erin a basket of beets] Erin: Thank you. [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: If it wasn't for secretaries, I wouldn't have a stepmom. [SCENE_BREAK] Erin: [as Halperts arrive] Welcome back! Pam: Hey, thanks. [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: It's my first day back after maternity leave. And I miss Cece, of course. But we need the money. What was maternity leave like? Oh, how do I explain it?... It rocked. It rocked my ass off. [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: [at her desk, grabs her plant and sees it dried up, looks at Jim] Oh. You couldn't have watered it? Jim: I literally did not know that existed until this moment. Dwight: Well, I knew it existed, and I chose to let it die. Pam: It's nice to see you again, Dwight. Dwight.: Hello, Pam. [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: [arrives at Michael's office and sits] I was just wondering what you had planned for Secretary's Day. Michael: I'm going to give Erin $15. Erin: I know that Erin would be so psyched if you took her out to lunch. Michael: A one-on-one lunch with Erin? Andy: Yeah. She really looks up to you. And there's only so much we can do as her coworkers. Secretary's Day is really kind of a boss-secretary thing. [Michael glances over at Erin in reception, Erin waves her teddy bear's arm at Michael]. Michael: She's kind of a rube. Andy: [slams his hand on Michael's desk] That's my girlfriend you're talking about. Michael: Okay. All right. All right. Okay. I'll take her to lunch. Andy: [taping desk] She's gonna be so psyched. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: [walks over to Erin's desk] Hi, Erin. Happy Secretary's Day. Erin: Well, happy Boss's day. There wouldn't be a secretary if there was no boss. Michael: I wanted to know what your plans for lunch were because I was hoping to ask you to...[Erin snaps a picture of Michael] lunch. Erin: I got a picture of you asking me to lunch. I was thinking we could go to Hayworth's. Michael: Ugh. Erin: Just the two of us. Michael: Well, Hayworth's is more business casual, and they always screw up your order. So I'm... Erin: Yeah, okay. Yeah that was a stupid suggestion. I was thinking someplace special, so I though Hayworth's, but... Michael: Okay, well, we'll figure something. [Michael turns and starts back toward his office] Erin: Oh. Michael: [looks at Andy who is urging he agree with her, Michael turns around] Okay, let's go to Hayworth's. Erin: [cheerfully] Okay. Michael: All right. [SCENE_BREAK] Meredith: [sitting at kitchen table with Darryl] Have a cookie, Kev. Kevin: Yeah, haha. Tray of cookies. I'm not falling for that. Darryl: I brought those in. It's my birthday. That's some stone-cold narcissism right there. Kevin: Man, Darryl, I'm sorry. [pats Darryl's back] Happy Birthday. Darryl: Thank you. [Kevin grabs cookie and starts eating it] Darryl: [as Cookie Monster] Yum, Yum, Yum, Yum, Yum, Yum. [SCENE_BREAK] Kevin: They're making fun of Cookie Monster. I get that. But in a strange way, it feels like they're making fun of me. [SCENE_BREAK] Kevin: [again on laptop as Cookie Monster as he shows Gabe the video] Oscar, did you eat some of my M&M's? The level... Gabe: This is violent and offensive. Kevin: Thank you. [computer continues] It really makes me self-conscious about my voice. Gabe: It's awful. [reaches for tissue box, hands it to Kevin] Kevin: I'm not crying. Gabe: You have some food on your face. Kevin: [on computer as Cookie Monster] Do my hands feel sweaty to you? [Kevin grabs a tissue and wipes his mouth] [SCENE_BREAK] Gabe: The beginning here has been a little bit of a fiasco. Either they don't respect me or they respect me too much. And some of them still think that I'm the I.T. guy. This Cookie Monster thing is an opportunity to show people that I'm an authority figure. [SCENE_BREAK] Gabe: Hello, everyone. If I might have a moment of your time. It's come to my attention that people have been watching and laughing at a hurtful parody video. It is now forbidden to talk, joke about, or e-mail this around. Kevin: Yeah. Gabe: And that's straight from corporate. So not to be scary, but yeah, I would listen to me. And that's all. Ciao. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: [in his car with Erin driving to lunch] Would you mind if I listen to my book on tape? I'm kind of a bookworm. This is the novelization of the movie Precious based on the book Push by Sapphire. Erin: I was thinking it would be fun to talk on the way over. So what decade would you have chosen to be a teenager? Michael: [shakes head, annoyed] I don't know. Erin: I would have chosen the 1490's. Michael: Ahhh. Erin: 'Cause America was discovered. Michael: Right. [sighs] [SCENE_BREAK] Erin: [at lunch] And then my last job was at a Taco Bell express. But then it became a full Taco Bell, and I don't know, I couldn't keep up. My favorite part about being a receptionist is that I get to have my own desk. In my Foster home I never had a desk. [Michael keeps moving around, very clearly bored and annoyed]. So it's like... I don't mean that I didn't like my foster home. I did like it. I just didn't have a desk there. Did you have a favorite age? Or month? Michael: An age or month? Erin: Yeah, like a favorite month. Like I like April when I was seven. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: I've been trying. I've been trying to keep it going. Erin is just weird. [SCENE_BREAK] Erin: How many pillows do you sleep on at night? Michael: So how are things going with Andy? Erin: He's the best boyfriend in the world. Tell me about him before I met him. Michael: Well, let's see. Um... Andy. Plays the banjo. Erin: Yeah I love that. Michael: Other than the fact that he dated Angela, I don't think he is a snappy dresser. Erin: What? Michael: I don't think he is the best dresser. Reminds me of Easter. Erin: Sorry. About Angela? Did you say he dated Angela? Michael: Mm-hmm. You didn't know that? Oh. Hayworth's waiter: Here we go. Hot plate. Michael: Okay. Hayworth's waiter: And your salad, miss. Erin: Why wouldn't he tell me that? Michael: I don't know. Probably didn't want you to have a mental image of him having s*x with somebody else. Erin: They had s*x? Michael: They were engaged, so... [Erin looks shocked] Okay, you know what, sir? Hayworth's waiter: Yes? Michael: Yeah, I asked for pickles with my burger. And there are only, like five or six. Could I get some more pickles? Hayworth's waiter: Of course. I'll get you a bowl of pickles. Michael: Thank you. Erin: Uhhhh, they were engaged? Michael: Mm-hmm. Yeah. Erin: [face looks disgusted, moves around uncomfortably] Uh-oh... Michael: Well... Erin: [moans, pulls hair over her face] Michael: What are you doing? What are you doing? Erin: In the Foster home, my hair was my room. [exhales, prolonged exclaiming] Michael: Okay, okay. You know what? You know what? You know what? Everybody's looking at you right now. Erin: [breathes heavily, groans] Michael: [turns to other restaurant patrons] I'll have what she's having! [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: [in Michael's car] Did you have a... did you like your lunch? Did you have a good lunch? Did you like that? Did you enjoy your food? It was good. I liked my lunch. [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: [feels a pain in her breast] Ooh. Ah-ah-ah. Ha-ha. Jim: What's up? Dwight: Her milk is coming in. She's getting uncomfortable. Jim: Dwight, don't be gross. Pam: No, no, he's right. Dwight: Same thing happens with my cows if I don't tend them frequently enough. You gotta milk them, or else they'll moo like crazy. Pam: That's weird, my breast pump is missing. Have you seen my breast pump? Dwight: [removes jacket, applies hand sanitizer] All right, this is gonna traumatize me a hell of a lot more than you, believe me. Pam: You know what, Dwight? Let me just check the bathroom first. Okay? Dwight: Really? Fine. Let your breasts explode. Three squeezes and I would drain you. Pam: Mm. [walks into bathroom, Meredith is using her brest pump] Meredith! Meredith: I just like the way it feels. Pam: What are you doing?! Meredith: Just relax. Okay. Pam: Relax?! Meredith: This is like the Cadillac of pumps. Pam: Give it back to me now. Meredith: Okay, I was just warming it up. Pam: It's disgusting! Meredith: It's not a big deal. Pam: It's not sterile! Meredith: We're both girls. Who cares? [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: So... how was lunch? Erin: Lunch was fine. Andy: Was it everything that you hoped and dreamed it might be? Erin: I don't know. It was lunch, Andy. Andy: Well, I know. [stammers] Just want... I mean... [chuckles] Oscar: Erin? I think we're out of fax cover sheets. Erin: God, Oscar, will you keep your pants on? It's easy. [SCENE_BREAK] Kelly: [using a Cookie Monster voice] "My name is Kevin, I'm an accountant." See I did the voice. Ryan: That's a little derivative. Kelly: But parody is always derivative. Ryan: Uh, it's not organic. Do you know what I mean? Pam: Jim does a really good one. Do yours. Jim: Oh, guys. I really refuse to participate. "Michael, can I have an advance on my paycheck because a Mrs. Fields Cookie just opened up at the mall." Gabe: Guys, why don't we leave the parodies to the pros at Mad TV? Jim: "Sorry, Gabe, but that show hasn't been on in many cookies." Gabe: Ok. Andy: Hey. Can I have your attention please? First of all, thanks to everyone for helping put this awesome party together. And a very special shout-out to the chair of the Party Planning Committee, miss Angela Martin. You have outdone yourself. Michael: You know what, I think we can all agree that Angela's not so great, so.. Andy: I am saying the exact opposite. Angela is fantastic. Michael: No. No. No. Andy: Specific shout-out.. Michael: Stop talking. Andy: Ok. As some of you may know, I have a very special connection with Secretary's Day in the form of that 115 pound moonbeam over there named Erin Hannon. To a lot of you she may just be the person who brings you your fax comformations. But to me, she is my girlfriend... in addition to being the person who brings me my fax comformations. So I wrote [starts to use a British accent] a little ditty. That I would like to play for all of you right now. It's a little tune called Secretary of Love. A one, a two, a one, two, three.. Erin: [throws a piece of cake at Andy's face] I know about Angela! I know that you were engaged to her and that you were sleeping with her! Michael told me. Michael: Oh God. Andy: Can we talk about this in private? Erin: I don't want to be in private. Is it true or is it not? Andy: Yes. Erin: Who else did you sleep with? Did you sleep with Phyllis or Kelly or Pam? Maybe all together? Pam: No, no never. Erin: Did everyone know? Was I the only one who didn't know? Dwight: Yeah pretty much. Erin: Who are you?! I don't know you! [pushes someone away to leave] [SCENE_BREAK] Gabe: I should probably get involved in this, but I think my energy is better spent on the Cookie Monster issue. [SCENE_BREAK] Kevin: Erin, you know, if I had been engaged to anyone before you, I would've told you. Erin: Thanks. Kevin: So if you need anything, I'm right over there. Pam: [imitating Cookie Monster] "Hey, Erin, You look delicious. I mean, beautiful." Gabe: Ok. Ok there. I heard that. So I'm sorry, Pam, but that's it. I'm going to have to suspend you without pay for two days. Pam: What? What do you mean, suspend me? Jim: I think you need to go a little easy. You can't just suspend someone form work. Gabe: Yeah, you're right. You know what? Um, you're suspended too Jim. [Dwight starts to clap] Ok fine. You too Dwight. Dwight: Wait, What? I was just slow-clapping your no-nonsense decision-making. Gabe: I don't want to hear it. Suspended. Kevin: "C" is for suspension. [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: Why would that be something to talk about on Secretary's Day? Michael: Andy, she's not the easiest person in the world to have a conversation with. All right? And besides, who doesn't tell their girlfriend that they were engaged to someone who works four feet away from them? That's like.. that's like Mr. and Mrs. Smith crap. Andy: I was going to tell her, just on my own time. Michael: You know what, I resent the implication that I would keep that secret. Everyone here knows that I can't and won't keep a secret. [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: Who cares? I mean it's not like I killed someone. Big deal right? This can blow over in two seconds. She never asked me. So, if you think about it... I probably should have told her I guess. Everybody does stupid things. [SCENE_BREAK] Angela: Psst. Hey. Erin. Erin: You want to talk to me, come to my desk. Angela: You embarrassed me earlier. Erin: Oh. Take it up with the chief of police. Angela: You think I want people remembering I had sensual relations with Andy? It's the kind of thing you wish you could have annulled. I want to throw up just thinking about it. Erin: I want to throw up just thinking about it. Angela: You are throwing up for the wrong reasons! Toby: [standing behind Erin] I don't think this fax is going through. Is there a different... I can just put it through again, you know. [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: Hey. You know I was engaged before Jim. Erin: Really? Pam: Yeah. And he worked here too. Erin: It was Andy, wasn't it? Pam: No, no it wasn't Andy. It wasn't. It doesn't matter. It's not about who you've been with. It's about who you end up with. Sometimes the heart doesn't know what it wants until it finds what it wants. Erin: I hope you find what you're looking for. Pam: Thank you. [kisses Jim on the cheek] [SCENE_BREAK] Gabe: [talking on the phone] So I can reprimand them but I can't suspend them. Oh I can't do either. Uh huh. Fair enough. [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: [answers phone] Hey Toby. Toby: I called Tallahassee. He can ask you not to come in, but he can't dock your pay. That's not legal. Pam: Very interesting. Toby: Yeah, I also learned some interesting things about how they structure... Pam: [Gabe walks in] Thanks Toby. Gabe: Hey everyone. Hi. Quite an afternoon, huh? Cathartic in a way. I'm glad I got to share it with you. It makes you think about what's really important. [Pam hands Jim a note] It's not about showing you're in charge or flexing some sort of authority. It's about forgiveness. And yes, I'm talking about you three in this desk clump right here. I think that, if you were to apologize to me, then I would revoke your suspension. Pam: I don't think an apology is enough. I really think the only way for me to learn my lesson is to take my suspension. Jim: And I got to take this bad attitude, and I got to go home, and I got to adjust it. And I hope the suspension does that. Dwight: [gets up and walks towards Gabe] Prideful idiots. Watch how it's done. [Jim and Pam get their things together and start to leave] Gabriel, I apologize. Gabe: Great. Dwight: [gets on one knee] I kneel before you. Gabe: Guys, I would even take a contrite look as an apology. Dwight: Humbly taking your hand upon which I kiss to show my contrition. Gabe: [following Jim and Pam to their car] Guys, to err is human. [trying to block their car] [SCENE_BREAK] Erin: Trust is the most important thing to me. Is your name Andy Bernard? What's your real name? Lionel Frankenstein? Andy: Will you stop walking for one second? That's it. There's no other secrets. Ok? I mean yeah, my chest is not naturally hairless, and my parents pay my credit card bill. Erin: How long were you guys together? Andy: A year. Erin: A year? You were together for a year? Andy: Yeah but that's it. Now you know everything about me. I promise. And if I think of anything else... Erin: I think I have to be on my own for a little bit. Like the girl Precious in Precious. Based on the novel Push by Sapphire. Ok? Andy: I didn't see that movie. [SCENE_BREAK] Gabe: [walking back into the office] That was ugly. I'm sorry you had to see that. Kelly: Do they still get paid? Gabe: It's tacky to discuss finances. It's best to pretend that this never happened. Oscar: Sounds like they just got to go home with pay. Meredith: Pathetic. Gabe: Can I buy everyone coffees? [everyone shakes their heads] [in Cookie Monster voice] "Or cookies." Dwight: What was that? Are you kidding me? Was that an impression? Gabe: Alright. Kevin: [imitating Gabe] Uh guys, I'm now going to apologize for the mess that we're in because corporate told me to. I just want you to know that I laugh like a crazy person. Gabe: You got to be able to laugh at yourself. I'm one of the gang. Dwight: "I have to go back to the zoo to the stick insect exhibit." Kevin: "Ciao" Right? "Ciao. I say Ciao because I'm fancy from Tallahassee." Gabe: Why don't we say ciao to the impressions? [everyone says ciao] [SCENE_BREAK] Erin: [sitting on bench outside groaning] Michael: Erin? Erin: Oh. Sorry I thought everyone was gone. Michael: No, no, I was just watching Cookie Monster. It finally downloaded. Mind if I sit down? Erin: I can't trust Andy anymore. Michael: Oh. Yep. I'm sorry about that. I feel... I'm sorry I caused that thing. Erin: It's Andy's fault. Michael: Well, yeah, yes. But I still feel sorry. You know what, I wouldn't worry about Angela. She doesn't hold a candle to you, Erin. She's old enough to be your mom for one thing. And she's, like, three feet tall. And she wears pioneer women clothing. And I don't think she's ever pooped in her life. And Andy, you know, come on. Andy, his butt looks big in those khakis. Erin: Oh, I like his butt. Michael: You said butt. Erin: You tricked me! Michael: Ahh! You said it! You know who you would love? Oh, this guy in my neighborhood, Tom Dizemore. This is him[/b]: "Hey! Hey Scott!" [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: Sometimes telling someone something is hard. Well, at least someone made her happy on Secretary's Day. [SCENE_BREAK] Oscar's voice from the computer: Hey Kevin it's Oscar. I'm looking at the sheet you sent me. And I can't seem to find the column for shipping cost. [SCENE_BREAK] Kevin: I made the most brilliant retaliation video. It's awesome. [SCENE_BREAK] Phyllis: I don't get it. Jim: Yeah, I mean, the Count has a very distinct voice. Pam: Yeah. "I vant to count to ten". Kevin: But Oscar is an accountant, and the Count counts numbers. Kelly: But you're an accountant too. Oscar: Why didn't you do Oscar the Grouch? Pam: That would have been funny. Kevin: But the Count is purple and Oscar wears purple. Michael: [walking up] Oh, oh, I was just watching that. Did you do that, man? "Oscar. I am the Count." Nailed him. Nailed him. [Gives Kevin a fist pump] Good work Cookie Monster. Kevin: Thank you.

Andy tries to make Erin's Secretary's Day a memorable one. While having lunch with Erin, Michael informs her of Andy and Angela's past engagement, which Andy had been hiding from Erin. Oscar circulates a video he made which compares Kevin's voice to Cookie Monster's and Kevin turns to Gabe for help when the entire office gets in on the joke.

fd_CSI__Crime_Scene_Investigation_04x16

fd_CSI__Crime_Scene_Investigation_04x16_0

[EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) -- NIGHT] (Thunder rumbles.) [EXT. UNDER THE BRIDGE - NIGHT] (Under the bridge, homeless people keep warm by the flames of the burning barrels. Hookers and drug addicts try to keep warm.) (A car drives by slowly and pulls up along side the curb. The hookers are already peering in through the car window asking questions.) (Nothing.) (The car drives off and slows down in front of another group of men. The car continues.) (The man behind the wheel continues driving. He turns the corner and parks. He gets out of the car, shuts the door and looks down below at the group of people standing below.) (He makes his way toward them.) FLASH TO: [LATER] (Camera opens on the dead man lying face-up with bloodied stab wounds in his chest. GRISSOM and BRASS kneel down next to the body looking it over.) Grissom: No watch, no wallet, no shoes. This guy was picked clean. Brass: In this neighborhood, he's lucky to have the fillings in his teeth. (GRISSOM checks.) Grissom: Still there. (BRASS shakes his head and smiles. GRISSOM notices the MAN'S fingernails.) Grissom: This guy was well-groomed. Brass: I don't care if he was lemon-scented and martinized, if he was on Washington and D, he was copping. He should have just said no. (GRISSOM looks at the group of people standing nearby not caring that there's a dead body right there.) Grissom: Maybe somebody wouldn't take no for an answer. FADE TO END OF TEASER ROLL TITLE CREDITS [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. JUNKYARD -- NIGHT] (CATHERINE, SARA and DET. CAVALIERE make their way toward the body.) Catherine: So, how long have you been in Vegas, Detective Cavaliere? Det. Cavaliere: Couple of weeks. Sara: Welcome to Tranny-town. This is where the hustlers come. Det. Cavaliere: Yeah, I can see why. It's very romantic. (They reach the body. SARA puts her kit down. They all step forward toward the body tucked inside a huge tire.) Sara: This is new. (DET. CAVALIERE snaps a picture. The flash startles SARA and she turns to look at him.) Det. Cavaliere: Don't get territorial. It's for my own personal collection. Catherine: Whatever blows your skirt up. Burn me a copy. Sara: There's a small cut on the forehead. Catherine: Yeah, it looks like he's wearing makeup. Blush on the cheeks ... lipstick. Sara: Transvestite. Fits the profile. (She looks up at the junked bus nearby.) Sara: Honeymoon suite's across the way. Anonyms s*x becomes anonymous s*x crime. Catherine: Murder usually personal. Sara: Maybe whoever had the last dance left behind a corsage. Catherine: I'd settle for his clothes. Det. Cavaliere: Hey, I'll give you a hand. (DET. CAVALIERE and SARA stand up and move away. DAVID PHILLIPS settles in next to CATHERINE. He looks over the tire.) David Phillips: You think a hacksaw's going to do the trick? Catherine: No. But that's why god invented sawzalls. (Cut to: CATHERINE works at cutting the top of the tire off to expose the body. DAVID stands aside and watches.) (Cut to: SARA and DET. CAVALIERE head toward the bus and step inside. They look around and find the place a mess, discarded used condoms on the seat.) (Cut to: CATHERINE gets the tire cut through and the CORONERS remove the body from the tire and put it down on a plastic sheet on the ground.) (Cut to: SARA and DET. CAVALIERE examine the contents in the bus.) (Dissolve to: SARA finds a naked, decapitated Barbie doll on the bedsheet.) (Cut to: CATHERINE waits for DAVID to finish with the body. SARA and DET. CAVALIERE join them.) Sara: All we got is a decapitated doll. Catherine: That's still legal in Nevada. (They look at the body and notice that DAVID'S been awfully quiet.) Catherine: Dave, what's up? You find something? David Phillips: I was just thinking I wouldn't be caught dead in those shorts. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. UNDER THE BRIDGE -- NIGHT] (OFFICER cars surround the area. WARRICK tries to work as the HOOKERS nearby watch.) Hooker: Yo, baby, look, why're you rushing the day? We got plenty of night left. Warrick: I'm working, lady. Hooker: See, that's something we already got in common, 'cause I'm working, too. Warrick: Oh, yeah? Hooker: mm-Hmm. Warrick: Were you working him? (WARRICK turns to indicate the dead body.) Hooker: Him? No. No, sir. But I tell you one thing. Good-looking white boy like that? I know plenty of women who'd be tripping over their platform to get a little somethin' somethin'. But no, sir, he wasn't nobody's customer. Warrick: Really? (The HOOKER nods. WARRICK goes back to the body where GRISSOM is.) Warrick: This guy get here on foot? I don't see a car. Grissom: They haven't found one yet. Warrick: I suppose nobody saw it drive away. Grissom: They were all in the bathroom. (He and WARRICK look out at the gathering crowd.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) - NIGHT] [INT. CSI - FORENSIC AUTOPSY -- NIGHT] (ROBBINS goes over the body with GRISSOM.) Robbins: Multiple stab wounds. The deepest of which transected the thoracic aorta and the right mainstream bronchus. Grissom: Anything else? Robbins: His name is Ed Burnell. Matched his prints, prior for possession. And it's not the first time he stared death in the face. Our man had a double dose of cirrhosis. That takes work. Years of hard-core alcohol abuse, plus hepatitis, probably acquired by dirty needles. Grissom: In Chinese medicine, the liver is the organ of anger. Addicts and alcoholics medicate their anger, consequently, destroy their liver. Robbins: Actually, half the liver is pretty healthy. (ROBBINS reaches for the side and puts a metal tray with a new liver on the body to show GRISSOM.) Robbins: The new half. Grissom: Oh ... a graft from a less angry donor. Robbins: Organ recipient procedure is pretty clear. They only do transplants on people who test clean for a year. Grissom: Well, he probably got his new liver, figured he could, uh, start all over again. Robbins: Is that what you think? That once an addict, always an addict? (They share a look.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - LAB] (GREG checks the body's underwear as CATHERINE instructs him.) Catherine: Don't let the scope touch the garment. You don't want to contaminate the evidence. And work systematically. Greg: Up-down, left-right, what? Catherine: Oh, Well, whatever works for you. Just don't miss any spots. (CATHERINE sees something on the monitor.) Catherine: All right, hang on. What do those look like to you? Greg: Semen stains. Catherine: Yes. Greg: Which, on a man's underwear, aren't exactly probative. Catherine: No. Greg: Can't tell you how long they've been there, or how often the guy changes his shorts. You know, I knew guys that could go up to four days on one single pair of tighty-whities. Catherine: Thanks for putting that picture in my brain. (GREG nods.) Catherine: All right, so ... (She uncaps a pen.) Catherine: I want you to outline each individual stain with dots. But keep them at least an eighth of an inch from the edge to avoid contamination. Greg: And then, cut out the swatches and send them to myself in DNA. Catherine: You got it. (She leaves the pen and heads out of the lab.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - FORENSIC AUTOPSY -- NIGHT] (Extreme close up of something in hair. Camera pulls back and we see something is being removed from the body's nose.) Catherine: A fiber in his nose. Sara: Yeah, I'll get it to trace. (SARA puts the fiber in a baggie. She checks the eyes.) Sara: Petechial hemorrhaging. Catherine: I would've thought he was strangled during some kind of rough sex-play, but there's no marks. Sara: Suffocation maybe? (In the back of the room, DAVID is working on another body. He overhears and can't help but comment.) David Phillips: That's why undertakers love smother-victims. Sara: He's got something under his nails. (SARA takes another instrument to dig out the stuff from his nails.) Sara: Looks like silver paint. (CATHERINE notices the shadow on the man's eyes.) Catherine: Vegas brow. (SARA looks at CATHERINE. She shrugs.) A showgirl thing. Eyebrows thin out from all the plucking and waxing and filling in. Sara: Well, we can kind of rule him out as a showgirl. Catherine: Yeah. Sara: And, you know, he's hairy for a drag queen. Hey, David? David Phillips: Yeah? Sara: Could you hit the lights? (SARA reaches for the ALS as DAVID PHILLIPS reaches for the lights.) (As she shines the light on his face, the make-up removed shines through.) Catherine: His face looks painted. (SARA nods.) Kinda looks like a clown. (CATHERINE and SARA share a look.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. ROAD -- NIGHT] (EMERGENCY CREWS work to cut JAMAL out from the car. He's drugged up and stuck in the car wreck, his mouth going off loudly and a mile-a- minute.) Jamal: Yo, man, get these spiders off my face, man! I gotta beam up outta here. I need my medication. I'm a CEO of a five-bag-a-day corporation, you know that? (The door opens. JAMAL looks at the OFFICERS.) Officer: Uh, come on. Let's go. (They help him out of the car.) Jamal: Thank you. (The officers hold on onto him in front of WARRICK and BRASS.) Jamal: (laughs) Y'all look like cartoons, man. Okay, thank you. (JAMAL extracts himself out of the OFFICER'S grips and nearly falls down.) Brass: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Take it easy, pal. You're not running the four-minute mile on those pins. Warrick: Nice shoes. Jamal: It's all good, it's all good. (The officers help him onto the gurney where JAMAL finally gets a good look at the damage to the car.) Jamal: Whoa! Who gonna pay for that hole in my ride, man? Brass: Your ride? This was never your ride. This car belongs to Ed Burnell. Jamal: Finders keepers, baby. I gotta bag me some ho's. Warrick: What drug is he on? Brass: I don't know. Whatever it is, he either took too much or not enough. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) - EARLY MORNING] [EXT. BUILDING - HALLWAY -- MORNING] (SARA and CATHERINE walk down the hallway toward the BUDDY WEEK, CLOWN AGENCY.) Sara: Just 'cause the guy looks like a clown doesn't mean he is a clown. Catherine: Description didn't match anyone in missing persons. If you've got a better idea, now's the time. (CATHERINE opens the door and walks inside. SARA follows and closes the door behind her.) [INT. BUDDY WEEN CLOWN AGENCY - DAY - CONTINUOUS] (CATHERINE and SARA make their way to the office where BUDDY WEEN yells on the phone. They pass by several clowns sitting in the waiting room.) Catherine: I'd say we're in the right place. Sara: Yeah. Either that or they're casting a John Wayne Gacey revue. Buddy Ween: (to phone) And you can tell that putz that Buddy Ween doesn't send cruise ship talent for bar mitzvah wages. You got that? (He hangs up, looks at them and points.) Uh, strippers are down the hall, girls. This is clowns. Sara: (dryly) No kidding. (CATHERINE shows him her I.D.) Catherine: I'm Catherine Willows. This is Sara Sidle. We're with the crime lab. Buddy Ween: Well, why didn't you say so? We do lots of police parties. Catherine: The party has already happened. (She shows him the photo of the dead clown.) Buddy Ween: What am I supposed to do with this? Catherine: Identify the body. Did that man ever work for you? Buddy Ween: Well, let me put it this way: I rep clowns. (He points to the clowns in the waiting room.) That's Flappy, that's Flappy Junior, that's Allen ... he doesn't work that much ... Popo ... get it? All I do is book the face. I don't care what's underneath. Sara: If our victim was a professional clown, would he be in this book? Buddy Ween: Uh-huh. Sara: What are these numbers for? (She indicates the numbers under the photos in the book.) Buddy Ween: That's the national clown and character registry. Catherine: How do you register a clown? Buddy Ween: Well, not the clown. The look, the face. Each one is unique. It's like snowflakes. Sara: We're going to need to take this with us. Buddy Ween: You got a warrant? I'm kidding. Okay, it's just a loaner, though. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. HOSPITAL -- EMERGENCY ROOM - DAY] (JAMAL is on the bed, his foot up in traction, and his mouth continuing to yell loudly.) Jamal: I know you stealin' my medication. I am in pain, damn it! Bring me some stuff! (He looks up at the nurse down the hall who doesn't move. GRISSOM and WARRICK both stand at the foot of JAMAL'S bed. He stares at them.) Jamal: What are you two ladies lookin' at? Grissom: Uh ... (reading) Jamal ... we're with the Las Vegas crime lab. It seems you were driving a dead man's car when you got in your accident. Jamal: Half the peoples I know be dead. It don't mean they can't own a vehicle. Warrick: Hey, Vanilla Ice ... at this point you're lookin' at a murder rap, which may end you up on death row, and I'm not talking about the record label. Jamal: (shouting) Nurse, this be cruel and unusual! Grissom: Look, pal, right now the evidence tells us that you killed the man whose car you were driving. You want to explain that? Jamal: Explain what, B? I was laid up shootin' speedballs all day. Look, man, when I get off, I'm gone. Feel me? I can't see nothin', I can't hear nothin'. Wherever high is, that's where I take the elevator up. (The nurse pushes past GRISSOM and WARRICK to attend to JAMAL. He looks at her and starts criticizing her.) Jamal: Oh, you damn cow! Took you long enough. When I call you, you come, you understand me? (She pushes the contents of a syringe into his I.V.) Jamal: Why you got to do me like this? That's right. (panting) Man's dead. What difference it make how he got there? Now, if you'll excuse me, I got a date with Mrs. Jones. (sighs) Man's already dead. Why he be needing shoes, anyway? Warrick: Was that a confession? Grissom: I think a plea of insanity. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - GARAGE -- DAY] (The car is in the garage. WARRICK opens the front passenger door and waves away the fumes inside. He looks through it and finds an unopened condom on the dash. GREG hangs just outside the door.) Greg: DNA results on the blood from Jamal's clothes. It's his own. Warrick: Well, the blood spatter's consistent with a front end collision. Greg: So he didn't kill him in the car. Warrick: Doesn't mean he didn't kill him. What I want to know is how's a strung-out junkie like Jamal get a guy out of the car with just his knife? Greg: Yeah, and why stab him six times? Warrick: Well, let's just say for argument's sake that Jamal is telling the truth and that Burnell was already dead when he took his wallet, his shoes and his car. Greg: Well, if the motive wasn't robbery ... what was it? (WARRICK finds a small packet of powder in the middle of the car.) Warrick: Maybe this'll tell us. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - DNA LAB -- DAY] (GREG tests the contents of the package. He puts a sample of it under a scope. GRISSOM walks up to him.) Grissom: Heroin? Greg: Negative on marquis-mecke-froede. Grissom: So, if it's not an opiate, what is it? Greg: I don't know. I've never seen it before. I ran a color and crystal test. Take a look. (GRISSOM looks through the scope.) [SCOPE VIEW: PINK CRYSTALS] Greg: All I can tell you is it's an indole alkaloid. Grissom: Did you run it through the GCMS? Greg: Yeah, but it's not in the library. (GREG hands the results to GRISSOM.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - AUDIO/VISUAL LAB -- DAY] (CATHERINE uses the photo and digitally adds the paints on the dead clown's face while SARA goes through the book and tries to find a visual match.) (CATHERINE paints the eyebrows, the eyes and the area around the mouth. SARA finds the photo in the book.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. BUDDY WEEN CLOWN AGENCY -- LATER] (CATHERINE and SARA sit in BUDDY WEEN'S office.) Buddy Ween: That's Doodles. A.K.A. Donny Zanko. Sara: So you know him. Buddy Ween: There are two kinds of clowns: There's your ex-circus pros, washed out of Ringling Bros., Barnum and Bailey, and then there's your basic chuckleheads. Catherine: Which kind was Doodles? Buddy Ween: Basic chucklehead. You know, buy a getup, learn some tricks, and grab some scratch boring the crap out of nine-year-olds. He was a good birthday man, except when he, uh ... (He motions drinking with his hand.) Sara: So, he made money boring kids? Buddy Ween: Parents throw parties. They like clowns because they think their kids like clowns. Catherine: Mm-hmm. Lindsey's fourth ... bad scene. Sara: Oh. Catherine: So, what was the last gig you booked for him? Buddy Ween: Uh ... car wash, couple of weeks back. Why? Sara: Mr. Ween, he's been dead less than 48 hours and he was wearing his makeup when he was killed. Buddy Ween: That son of a bitch. He was working off the books. I never thought Doodles would try to stiff me. Sara: He, actually, was the one who got stiffed. (BUDDY WEEN looks at SARA.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - GRISSOM'S OFFICE] (GRISSOM pours over books at his desk when BRASS walks in.) Brass: So, it turns out Burnell's tox report was clean. Not only that, he works at some sort of recovery center. Grissom: Well, that makes sense. Brass: It does? Grissom: Well, the substance we found in his car was ibogaine. Brass: What's that, the stuff that grows hair? Grissom: A choline-esterase inhibitor that acts as a stimulant in the central nervous system. (GRISSOM hands BRASS a piece of paper for him to look at.) Grissom: In the liver, it converts to an active metabolite ... noribogaine. Noribogaine locks onto addiction receptors ... blocking the feedback loops that reinforce dependency. Brass: In human speak? Grissom: Well, apparently, in some cases, one dose of ibogaine can cure physical addiction. Brass: Does it come with a free set of steak knives? Grissom: It comes with a free trip. Curing physical addiction is a side effect. Its intended use is to facilitate visual, tactile, and auditory experiences of alternate realities. Brass: So it's an hallucinogen. Grissom: Mm-hmm. Used by the Bwiti tribe of Central Africa. It comes from the powdered bark of a tree growing in Cameroon. (Quick flash of: A huge bon fire probably in Central Africa. End of quick flash. Resume to present.) Brass: No kidding. Grissom: Many ethno-botanists believe that the iboga is what the bible is talking about when it refers to the tree of knowledge. (Quick flash of: A huge bon fire probably in Central Africa. Several young men drink from a bowl, most probably of the Bwiti tribe.) Grissom: (V.O.) The Bwiti consume the powdered bark as part of an initiation ceremony. (End of quick flash. Resume to present.) Grissom: After the ritual, a man is called baanzi, one who has seen the other world. Brass: No way it's legal. Grissom: Not in the U.S. Brass: So, Ed Burnell was a drug dealer. Grissom: Well ... Brass: He's either dealing in the addiction or the cure, and a dealer's a dealer. And this guy's dealing out of a halfway house. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) - EVENING] [INT. DONNIE ZONKO'S RESIDENCE] (CATHERINE and SARA walk into DONNIE ZONKO, a.k.a. "Doodles" apartment and look around.) Sara: Well ... I can see why Doodles drank. Catherine: So, if he's hooking up in Tranny-town, you'd expect to find some man-on-man p0rn. (CATHERINE picks up the BIG BODACIOUS magazine.) Catherine: All we've got is varying flavors of juggs. Sara: Hmm. (They look around some more. SARA turns around a clown blow-up punching bag and finds some tape around its mouth.) Sara: Looks like Doodles was working out some animosity. (CATHERINE finds the answering machine with three unheard messages..) Catherine: Oh, an answering machine with messages. (She hits the button. It beeps.) Answering Machine: Friday, 11:02. (SARA opens the closet door and looks inside. CATHERINE looks at the mess of things on the table.) Woman: Hey, Doodle-pie. I can't stop thinking about your enormous feet. Call me. (The machines beeps.) Catherine: You know what they say about big feet. Answering Machine: Saturday, 7:00 P.M. Mime: Ay, paddle boy, you want a war, you got one. And just so you know, I do appreciate the irony of me leaving you a message. (The machine beeps.) Catherine: Interesting. Answering Machine: Sunday, 11:45 A.M. Taxi Driver: Hey, Mr. Doodles, your taxi's here. Donnie Zonko (Doodles): Yeah, yeah, cool your jets. I'll be right down. (The answering machine beeps.) Sara: He took a cab ride two days ago ... and his costume's not here. Catherine: Makes sense if he's out of town on a job. I'll call Detective Cavaliere and have him pull the phone records. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. HALFWAY HOUSE -- DAY] (The worker talks with BRASS and GRISSOM. They peer in through the door window into room 1e as a drug addict throws up into a pan.) Worker (man): Ed Burnell worked here for about a year. We're a halfway house. We provide a safe place to live. I mean, if they're going to do ibogaine, I'd rather have them do it in here than out in the street. (They turn away from the door and he leads them down the hall.) Brass: And despite the fact that San Quentin is your alma mater and you have a record as long as my leg, you wouldn't do anything illegal, right? Worker (man): I wouldn't do anything to jeopardize this place, and we don't give out illegal drugs. We do a lot of good work here. Brass: You know, if ibogaine is such a miracle cure, wouldn't it make your life easier? Worker (man): The drug doesn't promise anything. You got to earn it. If a user doesn't realize why he used in the first place, I mean, no power in the world is going to make him stop. Right here is a good case in point. (He leads them to room 1g. Inside, MINDY DUPONT is packing, taking her clothes out of the dresser drawer and shoving them into a package. She looks up when he opens the door.) Worker (man): So, you're going? Mindy Dupont: Yeah. Worker (man): You sure that's what you want to do? Mindy Dupont: Yeah. This place just reminds me too much of Ed. Worker (man): Look, I really wish you'd stay here a little longer. Mindy Dupont: I can't. (She walks past him and out the room.) Worker (man): You did a good job here, Mindy. (She turns around to look at him.) Mindy Dupont: I'm still doing it. (She turns and leaves.) [HALLWAY] Brass: What's her story? Worker (man): Ed got her clean. Let me show you what she looked like two months ago. (He leads them into another room.) (Cut to: [ON VIDEO TAPE] A close up of MINDY DUPONT'S entrance interview. She looks ragged.) Ed Burnell: (on video, o.s.) Why are you here, Mindy? Mindy Dupont: Wanna get off. I ... I don't got another run in me, but I can't stop. (She cries.) Ed Burnell: (on video, o.s.) My name is Ed Burnell. I'm here to help you, Mindy. Mindy Dupont: This place is nice. Can I stay here, Ed? Ed Burnell: (on video, o.s.) Yes. Mindy Dupont: 'Cause you're gonna take care of me, right? Ed Burnell: (on video, o.s.) Yes, I'm going to take care of you. (The WORKER turns the video tape off. He sits down opposite BRASS and GRISSOM.) Worker (man): So, was it the ibogaine or the months she spent here? Grissom: You don't believe in ibogaine? Worker (man): I don't believe in miracles. Brass: But Ed did? Worker (man): Look, when Ed first came here, he was an asset to the place. And then he got ... religious about it. You know, there's a reason why Mohammed kept his ass on the mountain. It was safe there. The thing about recovery is it only works for those who want it, not for those who need it. Grissom: But Ed came down from the mountain, and he brought the ibogaine with him. Worker (man): Yeah, and he started pushing it on everyone. Sometimes he won, sometimes he lost. Grissom: From one addiction to another. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. MAGUIRE'S RESIDENCE - DINING ROOM -- DAY] (CATHERINE and DET. CAVALIERE interview the MACGUIRES.) Merrill Maguire: I can't Doodles is dead. When did it happen? Catherine: We're hoping you can help us find out. Det. Cavaliere: Yeah, according to Sunburst Taxi one of the drivers dropped off the clown here two days ago. Al Maguire: Yeah, that's right. My son was having a birthday. Merrill Maguire: It's my own little tradition. Birthdays, special occasions, I always hire a clown. The kids love them. Al Maguire: (chuckles) Except this time, I think maybe we should've gone to Circus Circus. Catherine: What do you mean by that? Al Maguire: Well, we hired a clown -- squirting flower, big floppy shoes and all that -- what we got was a smackdown. (Quick flashback to: [PARTY] Doodles is putting on his act for the small crowd of kids.) Al Maguire: (V.O.) Doodles was going through his clown bit, and, uh, then this mime comes through our kitchen, which at first we thought it was part of the act. (A MIME walks in behind DOODLES.) Donnie Zonko (Doodles): What the hell are you doing here? (DODDLES turns around, sees the MIME and they start fighting. Really fighting in front of the kids. They destroy the birthday cake.) (End of flashback. Resume to present.) Al Maguire: So, uh, I jumped in and broke it up and dragged the Mime into the kitchen. I was going to call you guys ... Det. Cavaliere: Mmm. Al Maguire: ... But he apologized and said that, uh, there was bad blood between him and Doodles. And he gave me a hundred bucks for the damages, which I thought was a pretty stand up thing to do, so I let him go. Det. Cavaliere: Did you get his name? Al Maguire: I did better than that. (AL digs into his pocket for the MIME'S business card.) Al Maguire: He, uh, told me he'd give me great rate if I ever wanted to upgrade from clowns. (He hands it to them. It reads: JOEY SIZEMORE ARTISTIC MIME ... 2529 HARMON HTS LAS VEGAS, NV 91... Catherine: And what time did Doodles leave? Al Maguire: The kids were really upset after the fight, so I took them out for ice cream. Merrill Maguire: Doodles stuck around to help me clean up, and then he asked me to call him a cab. Catherine: Do you remember the name of the taxi company or the time of the call? Merrill Maguire: Well, he'd been such a good sport that I offered to give him a ride home. I dropped him off at his place at around 8:30. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. SIDEWALK -- DAY] (JOEY SIZEMORE, the MIME, does his routine in the middle of the sidewalk. SARA and DET. CAVALIERE walk up to JOEY. He shows him his badge.) Det. Cavaliere: Hey, excuse me. (He shows JOEY the photo of DOODLES.) Det. Cavaliere: Take a look. (JOEY continues with the routine.) Det. Cavaliere: Look, you do have the right to remain silent, but unless you want a trip to the station, I really wouldn't keep it up. Joey Sizemore: You want to talk about Doodles, fine. Take a look at what that skeek did to me. (He starts rubbing at the make-up on his face to show them his black eye.) Sara: You got that at Maguires'? (Quick flashback to: [MAGUIRE PARTY] DOODLES punches the MIME in the face as they fight. End of flashback. Resume to present.) Joey Sizemore: Stick a mime and a clown in the same place, it's like a cobra and a mongoose. Sara: You crashed Doodles' party, he kicked your ass, and now Doodles is dead. Joey Sizemore: I didn't kill him. Sara: You left a threatening message on his answering machine. You declared war. Joey Sizemore: Look, the creep was a parasite. When he wasn't bad-mouthing me, he was horning in on my gigs. Every time I line up a job, "ring-ring," Doodles calls the mom, gets her to hire him, too. That's money out of my pocket. So, yeah, I figured a little payback was in order. Det. Cavaliere: Yeah, what did you do after you left the Maguires? Joey Sizemore: I had a strip mall opening out of town. Det. Cavaliere: You didn't stop by his house? You know, wait for him to come back? Joey Sizemore: No. I got two hookers in Pahrump who can verify. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) - DAY] [EXT. MINDY'S RESIDENCE - DAY] (BRASS and GRISSOM walk up the front.) Grissom: We found prints belonging to three separate people in Ed Burnell's car: His, Jamal the thief, and Mindy. Brass: He could have given her a lift. Grissom: Except we found her print on a condom. Brass: Well, she said she loved Ed. Grissom: Yeah? How much, I wonder. (BRASS knocks on the door. RILEY RENALDO opens the door. In the back leaning on a door jam, a drug addict inhales from his pipe. He looks up, sees BRASS at the door, then slips into the backroom.) Brass: We're looking for information on Mindy Dupont. This was her last known address. (BRASS shows RILEY his badge.) Riley Renaldo: Yeah, she's here. Brass: Mind if we talk with her? (Inside the room, GRISSOM notes the various drug paraphernalia and broken vials on the floor.) Riley Renaldo: You got a search warrant? Brass: You don't need a warrant just to talk. But if you want, we'll go get one and come back. Riley Renaldo: Hey, it's a free country. Brass: Yes, it is. (BRASS and GRISSOM walk into the residence. They walk into the back room and find MINDY DUPONT stoned on the couch.) [BACK ROOM] Brass: Mindy Dupont. We heard you cleaned yourself up. Mindy Dupont: I tried so hard. He said I would feel again. I never wanted to feel. (BRASS glances at GRISSOM.) Mindy Dupont: Ed saved my life. Brass: How do you repay a favor like that? Mindy Dupont: I tried. (Quick flashback to: [ED'S CAR] MINDY slips into the car.) Ed Burnell: We're going to clean you up. Mindy Dupont: What if I don't want to be clean? (She takes out a condom and moves toward ED.) Ed Burnell: No. I'm going to help you. (End of flashback. Resume to present.) Mindy Dupont: He was an angel. He gave me that stuff. Grissom: And you didn't want to get high anymore. (She whimpers.) (GRISSOM sees the knife with blood on it.) Grissom: Did you come here to remember or to forget? (MINDY starts to cry.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - HALLWAY -- DAY] (SARA and CATHERINE walk through the hallway.) Sara: Well, the mime's alibi checks out. He took polaroids, with the hookers. Strip mall opened at 7:30. He didn't leave Pahrump till the next morning. Catherine: Uh-huh. So that leaves us with what? (They walk into the locker room.) [LOCKER ROOM - DAY - CONTINUOUS] Sara: Nothing. Catherine: Hmm. (CATHERINE opens her locker.) Catherine: What about timeline? Mrs. Maguire gives Doodles a lift, getting him home around 8:30. Sara: As far as we know, he didn't have another job that night. Catherine: Doodles goes home, having performing all day for kids, wrestling with mimes. His costume would've been a little skanky, yet he doesn't change out of it? Sara: Maybe he never got inside. Catherine: And he walks around town in his clown suit until he gets killed? Sara: Okay, what are the knowns? Um ... Doodles was suffocated. We found yellow fibers up his nose. Catherine: Greg analyzed the semen stains on his boxer shorts and found an unknown vaginal contribution in the sample. Sara: Mrs. Maguire was the last person to see him alive. (CATHERINE shuts her locker door and smiles.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT POLICE DEPARTMENT - INTERVIEW ROOM -- DAY] (BRASS and GRISSOM interview MINDY DUPONT.) Brass: The night Ed Burnell was killed you never checked into the halfway house. Grissom: Mindy, we found a knife in your basket of clothes with Ed Burnell's blood on it. Brass: Help us connect the dots. Mindy Dupont: We all have this secret, terrible cave in our hearts, and the more we try to escape it, the deeper we drive ourselves inside of it. Brass: This isn't the halfway house, Mindy. You're looking at a murder rap, so let's talk specifics. Grissom: There were fifty-seven micrograms per milliliter of monoacetylmorphine in your urine sample. That means you were using for a while. Mindy Dupont: Ed gave me ibogaine. Brass: That was months ago. Where were you the night Ed was killed? Mindy Dupont: It was like Adam and Eve taking you to the movies except the movie was your life and you were watching it and in it at the same time. Grissom: (sighs) Why would you have a knife with his blood on it? (GRISSOM puts the photo of the knife on the table. MINDY doesn't say anything.) Grissom: I think Ed Burnell knew you were using again and he was out there that night looking for you. Mindy Dupont: The spirits ... they protect you. Brass: Well, you better hope so, because you're under arrest for the murder of Ed Burnell. (Camera holds on MINDY DUPONT.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - HALLWAY -- DAY] (GRISSOM catches up with SARA in the hallway. He pulls her away from talking with someone.) Grissom: Sara. Excuse me. Could you, uh, help me out? Sara: Yeah, with what? Grissom: A woman. I need you to process a female suspect for me. Sara: Sure. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - ROOM -- DAY] (SARA takes samples from under MINDY DUPONT'S finger nails.) Sara: Palms down. (SARA looks at MINDY.) (Cut to: SARA snaps photos of the bruises and markings on MINDY Sara: Would you hold your arms out, please? (She snaps more photos, then finishes.) (Dissolve to: SARA combs out MINDY'S hair allowing the particles to fall to the paper below. Camera zooms in for a close up of the things falling to the paper.) (SARA kneels down and picks up a skin sample.) Sara: (quietly) Thanks. You can get dressed now. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - HALLWAY -- DAY] (SARA finds GRISSOM in the hallway. She reports her findings to him.) Sara: Samples from your suspect. There's nothing but a few track marks. No defensive wounds, no bruising. Junkies usually bruise if you breathe on them too hard. She is a pile of twigs, very frail. (GRISSOM looks at SARA.) Sara: What? Grissom: I haven't seen you for a while, have I? Sara: You see me every day. (Finished, SARA leaves. GRISSOM stands there a moment, then takes the samples and leaves.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. LAS VEGAS COMMUNITY (STOCK) - DAY] [EXT. MAGUIRE RESIDENCE - FRONT PORCH -- DAY] (DET. CAVALIERE escorts the MAGUIRES and their two children out of the house.) Det. Cavaliere: It's all yours. Sara: Thanks. Det. Cavaliere: Yeah. (They head into the house.) Catherine: So, we're looking for clown s*x ... Sara: ... and clown murder. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. MAGUIRE RESIDENCE - FRONT PORCH -- DAY] (CATHERINE and SARA use the ALS on the bedsheets looking for body fluid. They lift up the cover and continue to look for body fluids.) (SARA notes the pillowcases.) Sara: This fabric is consistent with the fibers we found in Doodles' nose. Catherine: You notice how everything matches except this one pillow sham? Sara: Yeah. (Quick flashback to: [BEDROOM] SOMEONE grabs a pillow and holds it over DOODLES' face. End of flashback. Resume to present.) Catherine: The white-faced clown with a pillow covering his face. There must've been some transfer. Sara: If a pillowcase like that had grease paint on it, would you throw it out? Catherine: I'd clean it first. (Cut to: [LAUNDRY ROOM - DAY] SARA goes through the laundry.) INTERCUT WITH: ([BED ROOM - DAY] CATHERINE looks at the framed photos on the dresser. She puts the photos down and opens the dresser drawer.) (SARA digs through the laundry basket and finds the sham with the yellow fibers. She takes out the ALS and finds the evidence of body fluid on the covers.) (SARA smiles.) (CATHERINE opens the drawer and finds DOODLES' clown costume inside.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - INTERVIEW ROOM A] (CATHERINE interviews MERRILL MAGUIRE.) Catherine: You lied about driving the clown home. He was in your bedroom. (She puts the test results on the table in front of her.) DNA on his boxer shorts indicates that you had s*x with him. We checked with the Buddy Ween Agency, and, uh, you hire clowns on a fairly regular basis: Four, five, six times a year. That's a lot of clowns. Merrill Maguire: I already told you. I like clowns. Catherine: I think you like them more than most people. (Quick flashback to: [BEDROOM] DOODLES falls down backward on the bed. MERRILL MAGUIRE crawls on top of him and they start kissing.) (End of flashback. Resume to next interview room.) [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - INTERVIEW ROOM B] (SARA and DET. CAVALIERE interview AL MAGUIRE.) Sara: Mr. Maguire, I hate to tell you this, but while you were off driving the other kiddies home, your wife was doing the clown. Det. Cavaliere: We figured you must've walked in on them ... in flagrante. (Quick flashback to: [BEDROOM] AL MAGUIRE walks in on his wife with DOODLES. He rushes up to them and breaks it up.) Al Maguire: My wife! (He grabs the pillow and smothers DOODLES.) (End of flashback. Resume to CATHERINE'S interview.) [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - INTERVIEW ROOM A] Catherine: You stripped the body and dumped it in an area frequented by transvestites, hoping that it would just... go away. Another forgotten s*x crime. You covered your tracks. You cleaned the house. You washed that pillowcase. What I don't understand, though ... why did you keep the clown suit? (CATHERINE puts the photos of the clown suit on the table.) (Quick flashback to: [BEDROOM] MERRILL holds up the clown jacket and looks at AL. She smiles at him.) (End of flashback. Resume to SARA'S interview.) [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - INTERVIEW ROOM B] Al Maguire: You don't understand. Merrill and I have been married nine years. We have two kids. Sara: Not much left to get excited about? Al Maguire: I love my wife. [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - INTERVIEW ROOM A] Merrill Maguire: When Al wore the suit ... it worked ... and it was good. If you found something that got you off ... wouldn't you keep it? (CATHERINE smiles.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI -- LAB] (WARRICK picks up MINDY'S panties off the table.) Warrick: Man, there is something so heartbreaking about a woman with raggedy drawers. Nick: Mm-hmm. (NICK tests the clothes for GSR.) (GRISSOM walks Warrick: Grissom, we've gone through all of Mindy's stuff twice. There's no trace of blood. Nick: Doesn't make any sense. If she disposes of her clothes, she's not just going to forget about the knife. (GREG walks into the lab.) Greg: Hey, guys, got a male DNA skin sample collected from Mindy's hair. Warrick: Burnell? Greg: Yes and no. The blood is Burnell's, but the skin belongs to another guy. Grissom: Do we know who? Greg: The gods of CODIS have blessed us with a hit: Riley "Boom-Boom" Renaldo, proud owner of two assault and battery charges and a possession with intent to distribute. (GREG reads off the rap sheet.) Greg: Current occupation: Apartment manager. Grissom: What do you bet Boom Boom's estate is on the corner of Washington and D Street? Nick: Renaldo was Mindy's landlord? Warrick: That'd make her a bag-bride ... a strawberry. Paid her rent horizontally. As long as a dealer keeps a strawberry high, the strawberry does whatever the dealer wants. (Quick flashback to: MINDY is face down on the bed, her eyes staring out blankly at nothing in front of her. RILEY REYNOLDO is behind her. He digs his fingers into her hair pulling her head up. Camera close up of the skin sample in her hair.) (End of flashback. Resume to GRISSOM.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CRACKHOUSE -- NIGHT] (BRASS, GRISSOM and WARRICK walk up to the CRACKHOUSE. BRASS pounds on the door.) Brass: Las Vegas Police. Open up. (The door opens. RILEY RENALDO puts his shirt on. Behind him, another woman walks out of the bedroom. Crackhead Girl: Riley ... you said I could have a taste when we were done. Riley! Riley Renaldo: Shut up, sunshine. Brass: Nice. We keep Mindy for a couple of hours, and you've already moved on. Grissom: What's the matter? Lose faith in Mindy? She always comes back to you. Brass: Guess Burnell was bad for business, huh? (Quick flashback to: [ED BURNELL'S CAR] The door opens and MINDY DUPON slips inside. He drives off as RILEY RENALDO watches them. End of flashback. Resume to present.) Warrick: Yeah, old Ed gets enough people in the 'hood clean, you get no love. Crackhead Girl: Riley ... I need it. Riley Renaldo: I said shut up. Grissom: Mindy didn't need it anymore, right? That's why you helped her remember. (Quick flashback to: [CLOSE UP of a packet of drugs] RILEY holds the packet out in front of MINDY.) Mindy Dupont: I don't need that anymore. Riley Renaldo: What do you mean, you don't need it? Mindy Dupont: Just one more, and that's it. (End of flashback. Resume to present.) Brass: Burnell wasn't hard to find, was he? (Quick flashback to: [CRACKHOUSE] The door opens and a DRUG ADDICT reports to RILEY. Drug Addict: Yo, man ... that jackass who be messin' with Mindy is back ... (Cut to: [NIGHT] RILEY turns and walks toward ED BURNELL who is looking for MINDY.) (Cut to: RILEY removes the bloody knife from ED BURNELL'S dead body. He walks away leaving him there.) (End of flashback. Resume to present.) Riley Renaldo: (smiling) You've got nothing on me. Grissom: Yeah, we do: Burnell's blood on your skin. (BRASS steps forward and leads RILEY RENALDO out of the house. Brass: So, come on, let's go, let's go. Come on, you have the right to remain silent. Anything you say ... Riley Renaldo: Yeah, yeah, yeah. (GRISSOM turns back and sees the CRACKHEAD GIRL slowly slide down the wall to sit on the floor.) Warrick: It's her choice, right? Grissom: (nods) Unfortunately. Warrick: What do you want to do, take her to lock up? Grissom: Lateral move. She's already there. (They both turn and walk away.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) - CIRCUS CIRCUS - NIGHT] [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - HALLWAY -- NIGHT] (The officer leads RILEY RENALDO down the hallway to be processed. MINDY DUPONT watches. GRISSOM walks up to her.) Mindy Dupont: One guy's dead. One guy's going to jail. Grissom: Well, you're free to go. Mindy Dupont: Go where? (MINDY turns and slowly walks out. GRISSOM watches her leave.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. CSI - PARKING LOT -- NIGHT] (CATHERINE walks out of the building. She stops and sees the car parked on the curb waiting for her.) Catherine: You got my message. Chris Bezich: Yeah. You sounded hungry. I was thinking ... dinner at the Bellagio. Catherine: (smiling) All right. (CATHERINE gets into the car.) Chris Bezich: What are you in the mood for? Catherine: Room service. (CHRIS smiles.) (Camera holds on the car's tail lights as it drives away.) BLUR OUT TO FADE TO BLACK

Catherine and Sara deal with the death of what at first seems to be a transvestite. Later during autopsy they find out that the make-up he seemed to be wearing was actually facepaint, he was a clown. Grissom, Nick, and Warrick deal with the death of a man in a homeless area. They found out he worked in a recovery center for drug users.

fd_Grey_s_Anatomy_01x07

fd_Grey_s_Anatomy_01x07_0

(Meredith is in bed, naked, her alarm starts going off. Derek reaches around her to cuddle.) MVO: Ok, anyone who says you can sleep when you die, tell them to come talk to me after a few months as an intern. Of course, it's not just the job that keeps us up all night. Meredith: You have to get up now. Derek: What? My God, what time is it? (She rolls on top of him) Meredith: It's 5:20, and I have pre-rounds. And you have to leave before they see you. Derek: Oh, come on, now. Why don't you just let them see? (He rolls on top of her) Meredith: No! Derek: Please! Meredith: No, No! (Izzie is watching coffee percolate in the kitchen when George enters) George: You get any sleep? Izzie: Oh, she could oil the bedsprings as a courtesy or at least buy a padded headboard. George: So who's the guy? Izzie: You think it was just one guy doing all that work? George: Yeah, do you mind if I don't think about that? Izzie: Oh, jealous? George: I'm not jealous. Izzie: Well, I am. But at least I know she'll be having a long day at work. (Derek tries to sneak out but Izzie and George see him) Izzie: Well, at least we know brain surgery isn't his only skill. George: They can't be...He's her boss. Izzie: We're late. He's all of our boss. You know she has been scrubbing in a lot lately on his surgeries. George: No, Meredith wouldn't sleep with him just to...No. Izzie: Well, if she's not ashamed of it, why is she keeping it a secret? George: Maybe she didn't. Maybe it just happened. You know, spontaneously, last night. (Meredith enters kitchen) Meredith: Hi. Good morning. Izzie: Morning. Hey, so it sounded like you were having some pretty radical s*x last night, all night long. Who was the guy? Meredith: no one you know. Izzie: We're late. Let's go. MVO: I mean, if life's so hard already, why do we bring more trouble down on ourselves? What's up with the need to hit the self-destruct button? (They arrive at work and get out of the car. Cristina is on the parking lot on her motorcycle.) Meredith: Yikes, wouldn't want to meet you in a dark alley. Cristina: Right back at ya. (Alex jogs up) Izzie: A run? You run? Alex: Every day, babe, every day. Meredith: Not suffering enough? Alex: What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger. Cristina: Don't go acting all indefatigable. You're dragging like the rest of us. Oh, what is that, professional weakness, Dr. Yang? Cristina: It's called the flu. Alex: Yeah. (Interns are in the locker room) George: I'm gonna need a major rush to make it through this day. I need a kick-ass surgery. Alex: Ooh, you a bad boy last night, George? Izzie: That would be Meredith. Alex: You a bad boy, Meredith? Cristina: Do tell. Meredith: Nothing to tell. Cristina: That says it all, huh? (Izzie slams locker door) Meredith: Sorry, I have a s*x life. Alex: Don't apologize. Embrace it. Share it. Count me in. Izzie: Yeah, next time, just let me know if I need to go to a hotel so I can get some sleep. Meredith: Am I missing something? George: You were just a little loud. (Everyone leaves except Meredith and Cristina) Cristina: Do they know its McDreamy keeping them up all night? Meredith: I hope not. I already have Bailey riding me, I don't need my roommates thinking I'm getting special treatment. (All interns are in hallway with Bailey. Meredith yawns) Bailey: O'Malley, Yang, Karev, go on to clinic. (George and Bailey watch Derek putting in eye drops through the window) Bailey: O'Malley, patients are waiting. You two come with me. Izzie, you're hanging with me today. Good morning, Dr. Shepherd. Derek: Dr. Bailey. Late night, Grey? Meredith: No, caffeine just hasn't kicked in yet. If you're at all religious, you would want to start praying it kicks in soon. There's a consult in the pit. Girl with a fever and abdominal pain. After that, Nicholas in 3311 needs his meds. Mr. Moeller's IV fell out, and he's a hard stick. Postops in 1337, 3342, 3363, and 2381. Meredith: 381. 3342, 3363, and 23... Bailey: Why are you still standing in front of me? (Meredith leaves) (To Izzie) You look more like me than you right now. What's the matter? Izzie: Nothing Woman: Help! I need immediate help. Bailey: What's the problem? Woman: My damn boyfriend swallowed my keys. Man: (With difficulty) I didn't want her to leave. Bailey: Locate the lady's keys. (Meredith is examining a girl about 18. Claire Rice is biting her nails. ) Mrs. Rice: I think she got some bug on her trip to Mexico with her friends. I told her not to go to a Third-World country, but does she ever listen? Mr. Rice: She's been weak ever since and she's lost weight. Claire: Barely. Mr. Rice: And this morning, she passed out in the shower. Meredith: When was the trip? Claire: A couple weeks ago. I'm really fine. I just have a fever. Meredith: Ok, well, will you lie back for an exam for me? Claire: No, please, I don't need an exam. Just give me some antibiotics and send me home. Meredith: Well, maybe it is just a fever, but they called down for a surgeon, so I have to give the ok to let you go. So just let me do the exam. Mr. Rice: Do the exam. Claire: No. This is crazy. I'm fine. Mrs. Rice: For God's sake, Claire, I don't want to spend my entire day here. Meredith: You know, actually, Mrs. Rice, this might be easier if we had some privacy. So would you two mind leaving the room? Mr. Rice: That's fine. (Hospital admitting) Digby: Digby. Digby Owens. I have an appointment. Alex: Excuse me, sir, uh, you're bleeding. You mind if I... Digby: Sure, sure. Have a look. Alex: That's a gunshot. Digby: Yeah. Alex: We got a gunshot wound. We got to get him down to the pit. (Cristina runs up with wheelchair) Alex: Sit, Mr... Digby: Uh, Digby. All right, but it isn't an emergency. I scheduled it. Alex: What, the gunshot? Digby: Yeah. My buddy shot me. Cristina: Buddy? Digby: Yeah, just as a favor. Cristina: On purpose? Digby: Hell, yeah. I mean he wasn't trying to hurt me or nothing, but you know... Alex: But why? Digby: I like the scars. (Alex is cleaning Digby's wound) Digby: Look, everyone in town has tats, but my art is about commitment. Alex: So, this is your art, huh? Digby: Damn straight. Cristina: Damn stupid. The bullet went all the way through. Digby: Bounced off my ribs. I have another one still in my shoulder. Nice, huh? Cristina: (Sarcastically) You could hang it in the Louvre. Digby: I have an ethos. Why do anything unless you're willing to go one step further than anybody else? Alex: What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Digby: Exactly. And pain is the great divide. My coach used to say, it's all about how we process pain. Alex: Football? Digby: Wrestling, Iowa State. Alex: Iowa, 141. Digby: 157. Alex: You got to be more than 180 now. Digby: I'd like to see you get back under 145. Cristina: Excuse me, but thinking of you men in tights makes me want to...puke. Alex: There's a flu going around the hospital. Digby: Somewhat ironic. (Meredith examining Claire.) Claire: Ow. Don't push so hard. Meredith: Can you lift your shirt so I can examine your stomach? (She lifts her shirt to reveal pink scars) Meredith: Where did you get these? Claire...you've had surgery recently. These scars are still pink. Claire: Don't tell my parents. Meredith: You did this in Mexico so your parents wouldn't know? What did you have done? (George with a young child, her foot is twitching) George: Ahh. And you noticed her foot twitching? Come on, Jamie. Jamie: My foot. George: Oh, yeah. About three months ago? Mrs. Hayes: Just a little. We took her to County Hospital and she got the CT scan, which showed her... George: Brain abnormality. Here, you can put it...And the twitching has gotten worse? Mr. Hayes: A lot worse. They just don't have the proper equipment back home to figure out what's wrong. George: You did a... you did a good thing. Jamie: Show Mommy. George: Yes, your mommy. Jamie: Show Mommy and Daddy. George: Ok, you did a good thing by coming all this way, Mr. and Mrs. Hayes. You sit tight Jamie, ok? I'm gonna bring in Dr. Shepherd to see you, ok. Jamie: Shepherd. George: Ok? Dr. Shepherd. Ok? He's the brain specialist. Jamie: Mommy and Daddy. Mrs. Hayes: Doctor? Is he good, this Dr. Shepherd? George: At just about everything. (Bailey and Izzie looking at films of the man who swallowed his girlfriend's keys.) Bailey: I assume the lady needs her keys to leave this guy's sorry ass behind. Izzie: Yeah. Bailey: Well, help her out. (Start to walk through hall) Izzie: He needs a bronchoscopy. Bailey: See one, do one, teach one. You've seen one. It's time to do one. Izzie: Alone? Seriously? Thanks. I mean, the vote of confidence in my skills and all. I didn't think you well, anyone was noticing how hard I've been working... Bailey: Izzie? Go. Izzie: Yeah. (Bailey runs into Meredith) Meredith: You paged? Bailey: Where are we? Meredith: I did the consult, did the IV, the meds, the Postops, everything. Bailey: How is your pit patient? Meredith: She's febrile and has peritoneal signs. (Cristina walks by) Bailey: you all right, Dr. Yang? Cristina: Fine. On my way back to clinic. (Cristina walks away looking very sick) Meredith: I think she had some sort of illegal surgery done in Mexico. Bailey: Botched abortion? Meredith: No! She has four laparoscopic scars on her abdomen and won't say what they're from, the parents are clueless. Bailey: She's a minor. Meredith: Seventeen. Freshman in college. Bailey: You order up for a CT? Meredith: Yes. Bailey: So while she's there, the nurses couldn't get a Foley on Mr. Garay. He may need a Coude cath if you can't get a normal one in there. Write up postop notes on all surgical-floor patients that had surgery within the last 24 hours. Be sure to document their EKG's and x-rays. Hunt them down if you can't find them. Meredith: Right away. (Cristina is standing the hallway still sick and Burke walks up) Burke: Hey. Whoa. Got the flu? Cristina: Yeah, and thanks for it. It's making my life so much easier. Burke: I didn't give it to you. It's all over the hospital. You should be in bed. Cristina: Disease, diagnosis and prescription from one man. Burke: Seriously, I'll give you a ride home. Cristina: This is not gonna make me go home. You go home. Burke: But I feel fine. (Burke shrugs then feels his glands) (George is walking through hallway, runs up to Izzie) George: Hey, hey, hey. Have you seen Shepherd? Izzie: Not as up close as Meredith has. George: What? Are you trying to get her in trouble? She's our friend. Izzie: George, this program will make or break our careers. Some of us will make it through, and some of us won't. And that decision depends entirely on recommendations from doctors like Shepherd. There is a reason we don't sleep with the attendings. George: It's not her fault, ok. It's Shepherd's. He's the attending, he should know better. He's taking advantage of her. Izzie: It didn't exactly sound like anything was happening against her will last night. (Derek in surgery) Derek: Ok, I think we're in good shape here. Nurse: I think so, Dr. Shepherd. Derek: Looks good. (George is watching from the scrub room, an x-ray tech enters) X-ray Tech: Here you go, doc. The kid's CTs just arrived from County. Thanks. (Dr. Taylor enters) Dr. Taylor: Excuse me. George: Sorry, Dr. Taylor. (He enters surgery) X-ray Tech: That would be bourbon. George: What? X-ray Tech: I smelled it too. And he's the best anesthesiologist on the staff. I'll worry when he's too juiced to do his crossword puzzle. (Dr. Taylor starts working on his crossword puzzle) Derek: Will you close up for me? Thank you everyone. (In the hall outside of the surgery) George: Dr. Shepherd... Derek: I got to get some coffee. George: Jamie Hayes has been admitted. The little girl with the brain abnormality. Derek: How's she presenting? George: She has what looks like continuous seizure activity in her left foot. Her balance is off. Her parents have come along way to find out what's wrong. (Derek looks at CT films) Derek: How old are there? George: Three months old. Derek: I need new ones. Her brain could look dramatically different today. George: Ok, I'll order them... Derek: Thank you. (Elevator door closes) George: ...doc. (Alex and Burke looking at Digby's x-rays.) Burke: And that? Alex: That's a bullet from a previous gunshot. Burke: Previous gunshot? Ok. Alex: No reason to take it out. Burke: No, the guy likes pain. Alex: It's his ethos. Burke: Pain as an ethos? Wait, I think I know this guy. (Bailey walks in, Burke shows her the x-rays) Burke: You remember this guy? Bailey: Hey, the tattooed masochist. Burke: Had himself shot again. Bailey: Glad to see he's still stupid. Alex: It's his ethos. Burke: Let's go tell him what he gets to do today. (Meredith has been sitting at a desk unnoticed) Meredith: Dr. Bailey? Claire Rice's abdominal CTs. Bailey: Is this girl fat? Meredith: Not at all. She's a normal college kid. Bailey: So, what do you see? Meredith: Her stomach's stapled. She's had a gastric bypass. Bailey: And a bad one, at that. (Bailey and Meredith in the hall talking to Mr. And Mrs. Rice.) Meredith: Gastric bypass is a procedure normally done on obese patients to help them lose weight. Mr. Rice: Claire? She doesn't need to lose weight. Mrs. Rice: Are you kidding? This means the world to her. (To Meredith and Bailey) But it is so typical of this girl to take the easy way out. She's done it with everything since she was a little kid. Bailey: Mrs. Rice, nothing about this is gonna be easy. She's gonna face a lifelong struggle with malnutrition unless she has surgery to reverse the procedure. Mrs. Rice: Do the surgery. (To Mr. Rice) I told her to watch the freshman 15. Don't eat junk, exercise. But when she came home Christmas, who had to take her out and buy her a brand new pair of size 6 jeans because she couldn't get in the ones I got her last summer? Mr. Rice: Tina, you know, she tries so hard. She does. She gets good grades. She gets A's. Mrs. Rice: She has illegal surgery in Mexico. Bailey: Unfortunately, there were complications with the bypass. Mr. Rice: What do you mean? Bailey: She has what looks like an abscess under her diaphragm, and edema, which is a swelling of the bowel wall. I can't say for certain she'll recover completely. Mr. Rice: Just do whatever you have to do to make her well, ok? (Derek is in Jamie's room) Derek: you look like a princess. Do you know you're a princess? Jamie: It's not lipstick. Derek: It's not lipstick? No, it's not lipstick. Want to do my shoulder? Oh, good. Jamie: And nose? Derek: We're gonna find out what's causing these seizures. Does MRI know we're coming down? George: You said CT. Derek: Now I'm saying MRI. George: It's available. Derek: Good. Mr. Hayes: Doctor, is she gonna need surgery? Derek: I don't know yet. Mr. Hayes: It's just that my wife and I, we both work and I don't know if our insurance... Mrs. Hayes: We know it can be very expensive. Derek: I don't want you to worry about that. (Jamie legs starts twitching quickly.) Derek: It's a focal, left-side seizure. Ok, let's get the diazepam running now, please. Nurse: Diazepam, IV. Derek: Tourniquet please. Jaime, here's what we're gonna do. We're gonna put this on your arm, ok? Isn't that fun? Here, we're gonna put that right there, like that. And this is gonna feel cold. This is a butterfly. Butterfly fly lands right there. Good. Blanket for the butterfly. Good, nicely done. (Jamie's leg stops twitching) Derek: It's amazing stuff, isn't it? Mrs. Hayes: Um-hmm. Derek: Hey, you like spaceships? Jamie: Yeah. Derek: You do? Ok, should we take Captain O'Malley, my first lieutenant, to the spaceship MRI. Let's go. (Izzie prepares for the procedure on the man who swallowed the keys) Izzie: It'll be safer to wait until your lunch digests before we do the procedure. Woman: Perfect, this is just perfect. I was hoping to be in Portland right now. Izzie: You're gonna be under conscious sedation JP, which means you'll be awake, but groggy. JP: Wait, wait. Is this gonna hurt? Izzie: You'll have some discomfort but we'll give you something for the pain. Woman: Do you know how stupid you make me look. JP: I thought you would think this is funny. Woman: Funny? JP: Romantic? Woman: Like the therapist thing was funny and romantic? JP: That was funny. Woman: No, that was sad. He called my therapist pretending to be his therapist, to find out what I'd said about him. Izzie: That's a little passive-aggressive, JP? Woman: A little? He is the king of passive-aggressive. And he's manipulative...and needy... Izzie: Well, that's the trifecta. JP: What do I win? (Izzie shakes her head) What? (Digby is waiting on a gurney in the hallway when Burke and Alex walk up) Digby: Doc! Burke: I'd prefer we stop meeting like this, Mr. Owens. Digby: Digby. So how's the trumpet playing? Burke: Very safe, compared to your hobby. Getting shot is a little more risky. Alex: That's kind of the point. Burke: He's running a fever. Alex: Due to the extra stress on his body from the gunshot. Burke: Digby, the impact of the bullet on your chest fractured a rib and caused a hemopneumothorax. Digby: That sucks, I guess. Alex: Well, there's blood in your collapsed lung. Burke: The price of body art went up since your last gunshot. Digby: Ah, no pain, no gain, right? Burke: That's one way to look at it. Alex: We have that in common, you docs and me. Burke: Do we? Digby: Yeah, the way you guys push, push, and push. When I was wrestling, if you wanted to pin me, you was gonna have to kill me. Alex: Iowa style. Digby: Iowa State style. Back home, we were sworn enemies. But in Seattle, man, we're brothers. So, what are we gonna do about this, um...hemopneumo-Jurassics? Alex: We're gonna insert a chest tube to drain the blood, then re-inflate your lung. Burke: Oh, please...tell me I get to watch. (Burke leaves) Alex: Oh, man, Iowa style. (Claire's mom enters her room angrily) Claire: Before you guys start, I know you're mad. Mrs. Rice: Disbelief, Claire, just disbelief. Mr. Rice: I'm just concerned. Where did you get the idea to do this? Claire: The internet. Mrs. Rice: But, honey, there is a healthy way to lose weight. Claire: Yeah, I tried that, but...it doesn't work for me like it does for you. Mr. Rice: Hey, you don't need to lose weight. Mrs. Rice: What are you eating? And how much have you been working out? I mean, you know, most of the time, when people hit their target weight, they have to work to stay there. (Meredith is looking on) Claire: Everyone gains weight in college, Mom. It's...it's stressful. There's...there's not enough time for exercise. I just thought if I wasn't worried about my diet, then...I could focus more on my studies. Mrs. Rice: So you took yet another shortcut? Life doesn't work that way, Claire. Mr. Rice: Tina! Mrs. Rice: What? You want to argue this? (He shuts up) Mrs. Rice: (To Meredith) She has so much potential id she would just apply herself... Meredith: Ok. Ok, I think we should focus on taking care of your daughter. And, Claire, your parents agree, the best thing to do is to reverse the bypass. Claire: No! No, it's my body. I do not want surgery again. Please? Meredith: There were serious complications. And this is about your health. Claire: But I'd rather be thin. Mrs. Rice: Well, I'm afraid the choice isn't up to you. (Jamie is in CT scan and Derek and her parents are looking at the results) Derek: It's called Rasmussen's encephalitis. What it amounts to is that this side of her brain...(Points to screen) This part's all healthy, working perfectly. This black part of the brain, this...all of that is dead, or dying. The condition has gotten radically worse since her CT scans three months ago. Left untreated, the disease is gonna kill her. Mrs. Hayes: How soon? Derek: Too soon. Mr. Hayes: So is there a cure? Derek: The treatment requires the diseased portion of her brain be removed and sealed off. See, eventually, the spinal fluid will fill the cavity. Mr. Hayes: R-Remove? But, I mean, that's... Derek: Half her brain, yes. Mrs. Hayes: Half her brain. That...seems impossible. Derek: Her age makes it possible. Her brain's not fully developed, so the remaining neurons will compensate for the loss. (Mrs. Hayes runs out, George follows) Mr. Hayes: But will she be normal? (Derek and Mr. Hayes walk out. Jamie is on a gurney in the hall.) Derek: There are risks to any surgery. And this is, you know, a major one. But if we're successful, Jamie could walk out of this hospital in a couple weeks, go on to live a relatively normal life. Look, I know this is a lot to digest. The important thing to remember is that we can save her life. Mrs. Hayes: Thank you. (Mr. and Mrs. Hayes go with Jamie) Derek: Dr. O'Malley? George: Yes? What? (Sounds irritated) Derek: I'm sorry to bother you but if the parents consent I thought you'd like to scrub in on the hemispherectomy. Are you in, or not? George: Uh, in. Derek: Good. (Meredith is standing in hallway eating a cookie and looking nauseous.) George: Yang. I'm scrubbing in on a hemispherectomy with Shepherd. Cristina: Get out! I would kill for that. George: We're gonna cut out half a girl's brain and it's going to work. It's outrageous. Almost makes it hard to hate him. Cristina: Why do you hate him? George: Oh, no reason. Cristina: You know about him and Meredith? George: You know? Cristina: When are you gonna figure out that I know everything? [SCENE_BREAK] (Izzie walks up stairs) George (To Izzie) She knows. Izzie: What, about doctor-cest? Cristina: It's been going on for, like ever. Izzie: Seriously? George: And you didn't tell us? Cristina: Ooh, you're a gossip, huh? George: I am not! Izzie: I am. (Arrive at hospital coffee shop) George: He's about to go into major brain surgery on no sleep? Not very responsible. Cristina: Jealous much? s*x all night isn't about being responsible. Izzie: No, it's about s*x all night. I can't believe you're not more pissed off about this, you of all people. Cristina: Well, she works hard all day. She's good at her job. Why should you care how she unwinds? I mean, you like to bake all night. Some people like to drink. Others like an occasional screaming orgasm. (Alex walks up) Alex: Yeah, we do. Forget I said that. Pretend like I'm not here. Continue. (To Cristina) You look like you need to be spoon-fed. Cristina: You look like Alex. George: Yeah, about drinking, Dr. Taylor, the anesthesiologist... (Nods to where Dr. Taylor is standing nearby) Do you think he drinks? Cristina: I said, whatever gets you through the day. George: I mean here, at work. Earlier, I thought I smelled...Do you think...? I mean, his patients trust that...So I should say something, right? Alex: It's a can of worms, George. Weren't we talking about s*x, anyway? George: Doofus. Izzie: Ew. (Burke in a trauma room, working on Digby) Digby: This is gonna leave a pretty sexy scar, huh? Burke: Don't get any more crazy ideas. (Alex takes a Polaroid picture.) Digby: You really think my ideas are crazy? Burke: I'm leaning that way. Alex: We wrestle, he plays trumpet. Digby: Hey, I feel pretty dizzy. Burke: You've lost some blood. Digby: This, too, shall pass. Hey... How come I don't see you down at the Mat in Belltown? Alex: Oh, man, no time. Digby: Bro, make time. I'll be expecting you. Alex: I'm there. (Bailey and Meredith operating on Claire) Bailey: Handle with care. This thing's... (Hands her bowel) Meredith: Full of gunk. I know. Bailey: We need to free the bowel from the adhesions caused from the abscess. This poor girl. What was she thinking? Meredith: She wants her mother's approval. She wanted to please her. Bailey: And this damage is the result? Here, resect that. Meredith: Needle-tip Bovie, please. (Hands bowel back to Bailey) Bailey: When you're done here, you have postops waiting. Meredith: I know, Dr. Bailey. Bailey: Cristina's got the flu. So, you need to pick up the slack in clinic. Meredith: Look, I'll mop the floors, ok? (Bailey glares at her) Sorry, that was inappropriate. Bailey: It's not the only thing that's inappropriate. While we're on the subject, you care to tell me what you think you're doing? Meredith: Look, I'll jump through hoops if you want me to. But what I do what I leave this hospital is my business. Bailey: Half this hospital knows your business. Flu isn't the only virus spreading around here. Meredith: I made a choice, and I know you don't respect me for that choice. But I'll live with the consequences. Bailey: Then I'll have lots of hoops for you to jump through. Meredith: I've done everything you've asked me to do. I may not do it your way but it gets done. So whatever else you got, bring it on. (Claire's bowel burst, spraying Meredith with toxic waste) (People in gallery are laughing and saying "Ew") Bailey: Ok, Dr. Grey, now that you've drained the organ, we can attempt to repair it. Meredith: Now my day is perfect. (Jamie getting ready to go into surgery, her parents saying good-bye. George and Derek scrubbing in) Mrs. Hayes: Ok, bye. (Scrub room) George: I appreciate this. The chance to scrub in on this kind of procedure is, well...Yeah, I appreciate it. Nurse: Here you go. Triple espresso, not too hot. Derek: Oh, I love you, seriously. Dr. Taylor: Ah, coffee, where would medicine be without it, huh? Derek: I hope you have a new crossword, Taylor. We're gonna be here a while. Dr. Taylor: (Pointing to crossword in his pocket) Never go without. Big day for you, kid. Congrats. George: Thanks. Derek: (To Jamie) Hey, princess. You ready to take a nap? Dr. Taylor: Hey, look what I got. Derek: Blow bubbles, that's it. Just breathe in. Oh, that's it. Derek: (To George) What? George: Do you smell...? Derek: Smell what? I have a mask. George: Uh...I'm sorry, Dr. Taylor, but did you just...? Have you been drinking? Dr. Taylor? I beg your pardon? Derek: What? George: Do you smell...I...I smell alcohol. Dr. Taylor: Where the hell do you get off accusing me of something like that? Derek: George, you're out of line. George: There are rules. You know, there are rules for a reason. You just...There is a 2-year-old girl on this table. You shouldn't take advantage of someone else's vulnerability. Dr. Taylor: Look, I don't need some punk intern telling me what's at stake here. Get him out of here, Shep. (George and Dr. Taylor look at Derek) Shep? Derek: You're out, George. (George leaves) Derek: (To Dr. Taylor) You damn well better be ready, Taylor. Dr. Taylor: I wouldn't be here if I wasn't. (Izzie retrieving keys from JP's throat) Woman: Do you really, seriously want to know why I'm leaving?! Seriously? How about when you started insisting that I quit my job, right when I started to make more money than you? That should have been the last straw. No, no. The last straw should have been when I found out that those mysterious phone calls that you've been getting that you kept denying were from other women were really coming from your mother. This isn't healthy. Izzie: Just, hold still, please. Woman: Don't you dare try to patch this up! Izzie: Could the both of you please stop? Woman: You don't love me, JP. You love to smother me. And if I could just get you to admit that, then I could leave you with an ounce of respect. Izzie: Athena, I let you stay in here to keep him calm. So, if you're just gonna keep... Athena: Check that. I can't respect a man desperate enough to swallow my exit strategy. That is the last straw! Izzie: Michelle, can you get her out of here? Michelle: Ma'am? Athena: Fine! Michelle: C'mon. (JP starts choking) Athena: What? What's happening? Izzie: The keys moved farther down. Athena: Oh, my God, what does that mean? (To JP) What did you do? Don't you dare die, JP! Izzie: Please! Please, just shut up! Athena: Breathe, JP. Just breathe. Izzie: Got it. (Lifts the keys out) Very impressive, JP. Athena: Is he ok? Is he gonna be ok? Izzie: Yeah, he'll be fine. (JP smiles and laughs at Athena) Athena: You lit...you did that on purpose, didn't you? Izzie: Can I offer you some advice? Get in your car and go, for all of our sakes. JP: You never gonna find where I parked it. (She grabs the keys and leaves.) (Meredith and Bailey are walking through the hall) Meredith: I need a shower. Bailey: I need a shower. You need to go tell that girl's parents what kind of kid they're getting back. Meredith: You're not gonna let me shower first? Bailey: That would be a hoop, would it not? Meredith: It would qualify. Bailey: Shower first, then. (Meredith enters locker room, Izzie and Cristina are inside.) Izzie: Ew, what smells? Meredith: That would be me, or more specifically, my patient's insides all over me. Izzie: That makes me strangely happy. Cristina: Oh, God. Oh, Meredith, you smell like... Izzie: Karma. Meredith: What? Izzie: Nothing. Cristina: Something vile is stuck in your hair. You know, just go stand over there, please. Meredith: Ugh, how much do I love being a surgeon right now? Izzie: Karma. Meredith: What does karma have to do with anything? Izzie: I'm just saying, you've been given all the best surgeries. And now you smell like putrid goo. And you're giving off a stench. Karma's a bitch. Bailey: (Entering locker room) Dr. Shepherd needs an intern in surgery. Which one of you is clear? Cristina: I'm good, Dr. Bailey, where do you want me? Bailey: You need to lie down somewhere. Cristina: I'm fine, I'm completely healthy. Bailey: Grey? Izzie: Of course. Meredith: What is your problem? Izzie: Um, you! 'Cause apparently you can help Dr. McDreamy in ways the rest of us can't. Meredith: You did not just say... Izzie: Yes, I did! Bailey: Hey! (To Cristina) Hemispherectomy in OR 1 with Dr. Shepherd. Go. (Cristina and then Izzie leave) Bailey: Apparently, I'm not the only one with hoops. (Burke at desk, Alex enters) Alex: Doctor. Digby's postop CBC shows a severe spike in the white blood cell count. Burke: What is it? Alex: It's 27, with 16 percent bands. Burke: Something else is wrong. That's a little high for simple stress. Check for any other possible sources of infection or recent illness. (Derek on Jamie's OR) Derek: All right, we're gonna start the procedure with the left temporal lobectomy. Thanks for joining us, Dr. Yang. After the temporal, we'll do the frontal, and then the occipital. (Cristina looks up to see George watching from the gallery. Dr. Taylor is working on his crossword puzzle.) (Meredith walking through the hall with Mr. and Mrs. Rice.) Meredith: We were able to reverse the gastric bypass, but we did lose a significant portion of her bowel. And because of the short gut syndrome, Claire will never eat normally again. Mr. Rice: Ok, wait, do...? How do we help her here? Meredith: Well, getting proper nutrition will be a lifelong problem for Claire. Mrs. Rice: Great, as if we already don't have our hands full with her. Meredith: She gets good grades. She stays out of trouble. She's smart. I just think she feels like nothing she does is good enough for you. Mrs. Rice: If you somehow think that I'm responsible for this... Meredith: I think Claire is killing herself to please you. Mrs. Rice: Oh, please. You have no idea what's going on in that girl's mind. Meredith: You're her mother. She worships the ground you walk on. She didn't do this for herself. Mrs. Rice: I think that this situation is completely... Mr. Rice: Tina...Shut up. (Meredith and Mrs. Rice look shocked as Mr. Rice walks away) (Alex enters Digby's room; he is curled up under a blanket and visibly sweating.) Alex: What is it? Digby: I'm freezing, doc. I-I cant stop shaking. Nurse (Olivia): His temp's way up, and BP's dropping, doctor. Alex: All right, Digby, have you had any recent illnesses, new piercings, tattoos, wounds? Digby: New tat on my calf. (Alex flips back blanket to reveal an extremely infected tattoo of a spider on his calf) Alex: Ew. Digby: Oh, my God. It was nowhere near that nasty this morning. Alex: But it was infected? Why didn't you say anything? Digby: Ah, it was nothing. I'm not here to complain about a little pain. Alex: The infection's been exacerbated by the stress on your body from the gunshot. (To Olivia) Get him to ICU. We'll get you started on some antibiotics. (Jamie's OR) Derek: From the frontal lobectomy, I'm going to encounter a, uh... (Jamie although sedated is blinking) Cristina: We'll encounter the anterior cerebral artery. Derek: Yes, so we're gonna need to, uh... (Jamie blinks again) Cristina: The branches of the artery need to be coagulated and divided. Derek: You know, Taylor, her anesthesia's awful light. (No response from Taylor, Jamie still blinking) Come on, Taylor, s-she's waking up. Cristina: Dr. Taylor? Uh, he's asleep! Derek: (Screaming) Taylor! Dr. Taylor! Dr. Taylor: Huh? Oh, God, sorry. Sorry, I'm on it. My bad, Shep. Derek: He was right, wasn't he? Dr. Taylor: Aw, I nodded off. Come on. Derek: Yeah, whatever you got to do to get through the day, right? Dr. Taylor: Steph, get me some coffee. Steph: Yes, doctor. Dr. Taylor: I'll be fine. It won't happen again. Derek: Yeah, not in here, it won't. Uh, Steph, call Dr. Pennington. Hopkins, take over until she gets here. Get out of here and get it together. (Burke running through hallway, Alex is working on Digby) Burke: What happened? Alex: He went into multi-system organ failure, secondary to overwhelming sepsis. Now he's all... Burke: Fix his BP, that should help his mental status. Alex: He's maxed out on pressors. We got V-tach. Burke: He's looking bad. Put the defib pads on him and give him 150 of amnioterone. Alex: I lost his pulse. Burke: Defib! Get the pads! Give me the paddles and charge to 200. Clear. (Shocks Digby) Again at 300. Clear. (Shocks again) (Alex and Burke continue shocking and performing CPR on Digby) (Jamie's OR) Derek: This packing, we hope, will prevent hemorrhaging. Dr. Yang, do you want to add something to that? Cristina: It will allow the cerebral spinal fluid to eventually fill the cavity. Derek: Hmm, very nice. Derek: You two, you wanna close up? Doctor: Yes, doctor. Derek: I'm gonna go to bed. Cristina: That was unreal. I mean, that's...that's all there is. I...I was feeling sick until I came here. Derek: I was tired. Now I'm tired again. It's back to reality. (Derek points to gallery and motions George to come outside) Derek: Let me explain. George: It's fine. Derek: No, there is a code among doctors. We're not supposed to ask each other questions, not within the walls of this hospital. George: Ok, I was out of line. Derek: No, you weren't. I was. I was out of line. Somebody should have taken responsibility. It should have been the guy doing the cutting. It should have been me. You didn't deserve what happened to you today. You did the right thing code or no code. (Derek extends his hand for George to shake, George hesitates then shakes his hand) Derek: You saw me leave the house this morning, didn't you? George: Oh, was that you? Derek: Hmm. I'm not using her. And I don't favor her. George: She's pretty great, you know. Derek: Mm-hmm. So, come on, lets go tell Jamie's parents she's gonna be fine, barring any complications. (Meredith is wheeling Claire through the hallway) Claire: Did you fix me? Meredith: No, not completely. Claire: So, I won't get fat? Meredith: No. Claire: Oh. That's awesome. Meredith: Claire, I've asked social services to contact your parents. Claire: Why? Meredith: They can help you. Claire: With what? Meredith: You don't know this yet, but life isn't supposed to be like this. It's not supposed to be this hard. (Digby is still flatlined) Burke: Time of death, 20:49. Alex: The first guy I ever met out here from back home. (Alex picks up and looks at the Polaroid then throws it on the gurney) (Seattle night scenes) (Izzie is frosting a cake when Meredith enters the house) Meredith: I thought you'd be asleep by now. (Meredith looks in fridge) Izzie: Yeah, well, I'm not. If you wait a few minutes, you can have a piece of cake. Baked it chock-full of love. Actually, chock-full of unrelenting, all consuming rage and hostility, but it's still tasty. Meredith: So you know? Izzie: I know. Meredith: Well, do you want the long, sordid version, or do you want the short version, where I started sleeping with a guy who turned out to be my boss? Izzie: Neither. Meredith: Izzie, cut me some slack here. Izzie: No. You want to Dartmouth. Your mother is Ellis Grey. You grew up... Look at his house! You know, you walk into the OR, and there isn't anyone who doubts that you should be there. I grew up in a trailer park. I went to state school. I put myself through med school by posing in my underwear. You know, I walk into the OR, and everyone hopes I'm the nurse. Y-you have their respect without even trying, and you're throwing it away for...what? A few good surgeries? Meredith: No. It's not about the surgeries. It's not about getting ahead. Izzie: Then what? A little hot s*x? You're willing to ruin your credibility over that? I mean, Meredith, what the hell are you doing? (Izzie stares at Meredith who rolls her eyes) Oh, my God. You're falling for him. Meredith: I am not. Izzie: Oh, you so are. Meredith: No, I'm not. Izzie: You so are. Damn it, you poor girl. Meredith: You know, it's just that he's just so...And I'm just...I'm having a hard time. Izzie: Wow, you're all, uh, mushy and...warm and full of secret feelings. (Hands her cake) Meredith: I hate you! And your cake. Izzie: My cake is good. So, um, how hot is the s*x? Meredith: Izzie. Izzie: What? Come on, I'm not getting any. Help a girl out with a few details. (Alex in locker room working out on rowing machine) MVO: Maybe we like the pain. (Jamie's room) Jamie: Pooh. George: How's she doing? Derek: Good. George: Good. MVO: Maybe we're wired that way. (Burke enters on call room, it is dark) Burke: Cristina? (He flips on the light to find the room empty.) MVO: Because without it, I don't know... (Cristina is in the bathroom looking at a pregnancy test) MVO: ...maybe we just wouldn't feel real. (It is positive) (Meredith and Derek at her house, getting in bed) Derek: You know, we could just... Meredith: Sleep? Derek: We could, yeah, if...if you want to. Meredith: Yeah? (They both crawl into bed) MVO: What's that saying? "Why do I keep hitting myself with a hammer?" Meredith: Oh, thank god. MVO: "Because it feels so good when I stop."

George and Izzie find out about Mer and McDreamy while Cristina faces a test she's not quite prepared for.

fd_Veronica_Mars_03x02

fd_Veronica_Mars_03x02_0

VERONICA VOICEOVER: Previously on Veronica Mars... Kendall appeals to Keith in 222 "Not Pictured." KENDALL: I need you to do something for me. She opens the briefcase she has laid on his desk. Keith's eyes widen as he looks at the contents that we don't see. KENDALL: It's important. Keith races into the cabin in 301 "Welcome Wagon." KEITH: Kendall! Keith freezes as Cormac fires two shots into one of the inner rooms, moving only when Cormac turns the gun on him. As he runs outside, he trips, hurting his leg. Keith crawls behind a rock. Cormac can be seen in the distance at the door of the cabin. CORMAC: [offscreen] I'll come and pick up your carcass in the morning. At Hearst College, Veronica and Parker meet for the first time. PARKER: I'm Parker. VERONICA: Veronica. Mac gives Veronica the low-down on her roommate at the Take Back the Night rally. MAC: She's a one-woman red-light district. Veronica finds Mac sitting on the floor outside of her room. MAC: Parker's in there with some guy. Having snuck in to the room in which the sounds of s*x are heard, Veronica grabs the tickets in the dark. VERONICA: Don't mind me. Veronica and Mac jerk awake at the sound of Parker's scream. Parker stares in the mirror in horror at her shaved head. In a new piece of footage, not shown in 301 "Welcome Wagon," she screams out in anguish. PARKER: Someone raped me! Veronica is stunned. End previously. INT - HEARST COLLEGE, MAC AND PARKER'S ROOM - DAY. Parker is sitting cross-legged on her bed, sobbing and recounting what she knows to a female deputy, sitting on the bed with her. PARKER: Last thing I remember, I was at the Zeta Theta rush party. I don't even remember how I got here. I just...I woke up and I was all like...out of it. And I didn't have clothes on. Parker starts to cry in earnest. VERONICA VOICEOVER: The thing about being roofied and raped? You may not remember the who, when, where, or why, but you know the what. Veronica and Mac are sitting on the small couch on Mac's side of the room, watching quietly. MAC: [flatly] I have "There's Gotta Be a Morning After" stuck in my head. If I start singing, kill me. VERONICA: The rapist was there when I came into the room. I could have stopped it. MAC: But you didn't because I told you she was a floozy. It's a proud, proud day for both of us. The sounds from his radio precede Lamb's arrival into the room. He looks first over at the couch. He smiles maliciously when he spots Veronica. LAMB: Tell me I'm here because of you. Not that I'm counting or anything, but isn't this wolf cry number two? Veronica isn't fazed, instead smiling at the inevitability of Lamb being an utter ass. The deputy approaches from behind Lamb. FEMALE OFFICER: She's in here, Sheriff. Same as the others. Head shaved. She doesn't remember anything. Lamb turns back to Veronica for a parting shot. LAMB: They always say that. He heads over to Parker's bed as Veronica gazes at him in disgust and shuts her eyes at the memories he's evoking. Lamb sits next to Parker's bed. LAMB: How are you doin'? Rough night, huh? So, um, around what time did you get back to the dorm? Nine, ten, eleven? Just give me a window. PARKER: [voice trembling] I don't know. Veronica takes a deep breath and rises from the couch. She approaches the middle of the room, towards Parker and Lamb. VERONICA: It...the rape...occurred at 11:45, give or take a couple minutes. Lamb and Parker stare at her. Veronica presses on uncomfortably, her arms wrapped around herself defensively. VERONICA: We had these movie passes. I...came in the room to get them. LAMB: You were here. You saw her. VERONICA: The light was off. I didn't see much. Lamb rises from the chair next to Parker's bed and approaches Veronica. LAMB: Well why the hell didn't you turn them on? VERONICA: Because I heard noises. LAMB: Noises. VERONICA: Like breathing. And buzzing. LAMB: Buzzing. Like an electric razor? VERONICA: Yeah, I guess, but at the time, I...thought it was something else. It turned off the second after I came in the room. LAMB: What exactly did you think the buzzing was? Lamb's enjoying Veronica's discomfort, attempting to force her to say "vibrator." VERONICA: Something else, okay? Just...something else. PARKER: Oh, my God. You thought...? VERONICA: I thought i-it was just s*x. It-it didn't occur to me that it was against your will. PARKER: Thanks, Veronica! Parker jumps out of the bed to face Veronica. PARKER: Thanks for thinking I'm the slut of the world. You let this happen! Parker runs past her, out of the room. Veronica calls after her. VERONICA: Parker, I can't even...I'm s- Parker's gone. VERONICA: [to herself] So sorry. Opening credits. EXT - DESERT - DAY. The sun beats down. Keith is walking, using a long stick as a cane as he limps heavily. His breathing is ragged. There's a sudden snap, and Keith stumbles forward without the stick. He walks back. The stick is caught in an animal trap and is cracked about six inches from the bottom. The broken part remains attached to the stick when Keith lifts his makeshift cane from the ground. Keith jerks at it to no avail. DR. KINNY: [offscreen] As long as there has been war... INT - HEARST COLLEGE, LECTURE ROOM - DAY. A man is standing at a lectern. Behind him on the blackboard is written "Intro to Sociology. Dr. Kinny." DR. KINNY: ...and prisons and soldiers and orders, there has been torture. Wallace is listening carefully. DR. KINNY: You don't think it was invented by a handful of rednecks on the fly in Iraq? Dr. Kinny brings up a slide on the large screen above the blackboard. It shows one of the notorious pictures of Iraqis tortured at the hands of American soldiers. DR. KINNY: It's always been here. I guarantee the great George Washington and his Continental Army indulged in this sort of behaviour with the British redcoats. Logan is also in the class, more bored than attentive. DR. KINNY: We just had to sit around a couple hundred years for someone to invent the digital camera to show us what we're really capable of. Dr. Kinny clicks to bring up another picture, of a female guard holding a leash attached to a prisoner. DR. KINNY: Show of hands. Who of you saw this photo from Abu Ghraib and thought, "I would never do that to another human being"? Wallace puts his hand up, as do a majority of the students. Logan doesn't. DR. KINNY: You think it's cruel and awful and unconscionable. But guess what? Of all of you who have your hands up, only two, maybe three of you are right. In other dreary news, you have a twenty-page research project due at the end of the term about the effects of imprisonment and torture. As Dr. Kinny lets light back into the room after the slide show, there is a collective groan from his audience of students. DR. KINNY: There's an alternative. I'm conducting an intensive study on the prisoner/guard relationship in which volunteers are assigned those roles. If during the 48-hour experiment the guards are able to extract from the prisoners some arbitrary piece of information, they are exempt. But if the prisoners manage to keep their secret, they are exempt. No one responds. DR. KINNY: Fine. I'll sweeten the pot. The losing team still must do the paper, only ten pages. Any takers? A few hands appear. Wallace tentatively raises his hand. He looks over at Logan, who has his hand raised too. Wallace smiles. INT - HEARST COLLEGE, WALLACE AND PIZ'S ROOM - DAY. Wallace walks through the open door of his room. Veronica is lying on his bed. WALLACE: Got your message. Wallace drops his books and sits on the small couch in his room. WALLACE: What you up to? Veronica has her eyes closed and her fingers on her temples, as if suffering a headache. VERONICA: Turning my unbearable guilt into steely resolve. I think it's working. WALLACE: Well, you've had plenty of practice. VERONICA: Yeah. Good. Veronica pops up to a sitting position, lively again. VERONICA: Done. I'm gonna catch the rapist and see him crucified. WALLACE: Don't think they do that anymore. VERONICA: First things first, I have an interview with the newspaper. Word is they actually pay for photos in college. There's a knock on the door and Moe walks in. MOE: New safety rules for the dorm. You guys heard about last night? The rape? WALLACE: Yeah, we did. MOE: I really thought things were gonna be better after the last incident, you know? Like how the safest time to fly is the day after a plane crash? There's a floor meeting tonight. Look for ya. WALLACE: I'm not gonna be around. I'm doing this experiment for sociology. MOE: Dr. Kinny? I did the experiment last year. It's pretty intense. He goes into a bit of a reverie. MOE: It's like...life-changing. Moe turns and walks out. Veronica and Wallace stare after him, and then at each other. EXT - DESERT - DAY. Cormac is also walking in the desert, but with more energy than Keith, not least because he is carrying a large bottle of water over his shoulder. He pauses to examine a footprint in the earth. He smiles. Somewhere ahead of him, Keith, clearly exhausted and without his stick, limps forward. He sees a ridge, and there's a hint of a smile. He struggles up the small, steep bank to the railroad track at the top. INT - HEARST COLLEGE, NEWSPAPER OFFICE - DAY. An attractive African-American woman with short hair is at a desk in a cubicle, flipping through a portfolio of photographs as she speaks on the telephone wedged between her ear and her shoulder. NISH: She's a great writer but can you see her blending in at a sorority? Uh, they're not big on Doc Martens and unibrows. As she stands, she laughs at the response. NISH: Call me back. She hangs up the phone, still intent on the portfolio. NISH: These? Are great. She exits the cubicle which, according to the piece of paper and in box stuck at the entrance to it, marks the working space of one Ashley Frohling, Operations Manager. (So Nish is a nickname?) She joins Veronica, waiting outside the cubicle, and then carries on walking. Veronica stays at her side. NISH: This other freshman gave me like a hundred pictures of his grandmother sleeping. VERONICA: Was she hot? NISH: No. Nish laughs. VERONICA: I'd take any assignment. If I don't get this job, the fine people in financial aid have a completely undesirable position in the library all picked out for me. Nish stops on one particular photo and pauses, holding it out to Veronica. VERONICA: Yeah, she's picking a wedgie... The picture is of three Neptune High cheerleaders taken from behind. Two of the cheerleaders are in the air, in mid-straddle jump. The third, closest to the camera, has her hand up under her skirt. VERONICA: ...and she ain't got no alibi. NISH: Can I tell you how happy this makes me? VERONICA: She TP'd my house in the tenth grade. Makes me happy, too. Veronica touches the picture with something approaching affection. Nish closes the portfolio and strides to a large filing cabinet. From the top of it, she takes down a stiff poster. She appears to read from it. NISH: Welcome to the home of Theta Beta. She passes it to Veronica. NISH: What do you think? The poster is in Season One Veronica colours - pink and green. At the top is the heading "Fall Rush." Under that is a crest with the Greek letters zeta, theta, and beta in a column. At the top of the crest is what looks like an Aladdin's lamp. On either side of the column of Greek letters are two pictures - a chilli pepper and the top of the Empire State (or similar) Building on the left and, on the right, an inverted top of the Empire State (or similar) Building and what looks like a box of files. At the bottom of the crest is a ribbon banner with "Zeta Theta Beta" written on it. Under the crest is a photograph of the sisters of the sorority - all dressed in the same floral dresses they will wear later. VERONICA: I think it's the gateway to hell, and I don't want to keep looking directly at it. She hands the poster back to Nish, who sets it back on top of the filing cabinet. NISH: Veronica, I have a perfect assignment for you. You've probably heard about the rape spree on campus. There was another last night, a freshman girl, her name's Parker something. Veronica drops her head. NISH: She was at a sorority party at the Theta Beta house. VERONICA: You think the sorority had something to do with it? They start walking through the maze of cabinets and partitions again. NISH: You wouldn't believe the rumours about what goes on in that house. I've been trying to find someone who could get inside Theta Beta during Rush Week, do a "Behind the Greek Curtain" expos . VERONICA: And you want me to take pictures? NISH: I want you to do the story. You are exactly the type they would love to have [em] intelligent, cute... VERONICA: Combative, independent-thinking, smart-mouthed. Believe me, I'm not their type. NISH: You'd be perfect. Trust me Veronica, you'll blend right in. Nish hands Veronica back her portfolio and walks on with a huge smile on her face. Veronica doesn't move and is not convinced. Cut to a few moments later. Veronica is reading the sorority invitation: "Zeta Theta Beta cordially invites you to Fall Rush Social this Saturday. Dress code: tasteful floral dresses, beautiful personalities." VERONICA: Tasteful floral dresses? She lets out a sigh (of near relief at the prospect of not doing this). VERONICA: All my florals are trampy. Seriously, I don't have a thing with a flower that's not in a tube-top or hot-pant family. NISH: A couple things about Theta Beta. The parties are notorious of nothing but free-flowing booze and boys and totally against school policy. VERONICA: Alcohol at a sorority party? Doesn't exactly sound like news. NISH: According to reliable sources, four of them, the Theta Betas get pledges all liquored up, take them to a secret room and have them undress while the guys from their brother fraternity watch the show through a two-way mirror. Now if this Parker girl was there- Veronica holds up a finger. VERONICA: You had me at "secret room." INT - HEARST COLLEGE, MAC AND PARKER'S ROOM - DAY. Mac slowly gathers her bag and walks to the door, looking gravely over at Parker, who is still in her bed. PARKER: Looks like you'll have a room all to yourself. MAC: I will? PARKER: My parents are driving in from Denver to take me home. MAC: Oh. PARKER: They never wanted me to go away to school. Well, my mom didn't. She said I was too immature to be on my own. Guess she was right, huh? MAC: It might be best, you know? To be with your family. PARKER: [voice quivering] Yeah. You're probably right. EXT - HEARST COLLEGE, ZETA THETA BETA - DAY. Music: "Thank Heaven for Little Girls" by Maurice Chevalier. LYRICS: Thank heaven for little girls For little girls get bigger every day Thanks heaven for little girls Veronica, dressed in white heeled strappy sandles and a red and white floral dress, walks down the street. She is carrying a large red handbag and is wearing a white Alice band in her hair. VERONICA VOICEOVER: What's really worse: getting girls to undress in front of a two-way mirror or getting them to dress like a '50s vacuum ad first? Veronica climbs the stairs of Zeta Theta Beta. A number of other girls, all in floral dresses or skirts, are standing on the steps chatting, although they all make their way into the house just before Veronica. INT - HEARST COLLEGE, ZETA THETA BETA - DAY. As she enters the house, Veronica sees six sorority sisters on the inner staircase, lined up like dominoes. End music: "Thank Heaven for Little Girls"by Maurice Chevalier. The girl at the bottom sounds a pitch pipe. VERONICA: No. The girls on the stairs start to sing Cyndi Lauper's "True Colours." ZETA THETA BETA CHOIR: You with the sad eyes Veronica can hardly believe what she is seeing. The choir continues to sing under the subsequent dialogue. ZETA THETA BETA CHOIR: Don't be discouraged Oh, I realize it's It's hard to take courage In a world full of people You can lose sight of it all And the darkness inside you Can make you feel so small But I see that's why I love you So don't be afraid to let them show Your true colours True colours Are beautiful like a rainbow Show me a smile, then, Don't be unhappy Can't remember when- A chirpy blonde appears in front of Veronica. HALLIE: Welcome to Zeta Theta Beta. I'm Hallie. What's your name? VERONICA: Veronica. Hallie writes on a heart-shaped sticky name tag. HALLIE: Oh, my God. I used to have a little Shih Tzu named Veronika. Hallie presses the name tag onto Veronica's chest. Cut to a few moments later as Veronica makes her way further into the house. She is met by another blonde bimboish sort. SHANIA: Hey there, Veronica. Hm, great dress. I just need to take your purse. VERONICA: I'm sorry? SHANIA: Don't worry. We're not gonna steal anything. It's a house thing. Veronica hands over her handbag. SHANIA: So you ready for your first Theta Beta experience? VERONICA: I'm trembling. Shania waves Veronica into a large room, full of floral-dressed girls being decorous. VERONICA VOICEOVER: Yes, I'd like a boy, a bottle of hooch, and you can fast-track me to the dirty room so I can get the frak out of here. Veronica looks around critically. Her name on the name tag is spelled "Veronika." Hallie reappears in front of her, holding up a glass in one hand and a jug in the other. HALLIE: Lemonade? Veronica grins and nods her head enthusiastically. VERONICA VOICEOVER: Worst Roman orgy ever. The choir's rendition of "True Colours" ends and there's a time shift for the choir is now in a corner of the large room, this time with a filked version of "Swing Low, Sweet Chariot," which again continues - loudly - under the dialogue. ZETA THETA BETA CHOIR: Zeta Theta Beta Coming for to carry me home Zeta Theta Beta Coming for to carry me home I looked over campus and what did I see Coming for to carry me home The Beta sisters coming after me Coming for to carry me home If you get there before I do Coming for to carry me home Tell all my friends I'm coming, too Coming for to carry me home Zeta Theta Beta Coming for to carry me home Zeta Theta Beta Coming for to carry me home Coming for to carry me home Veronica is on a couch, sandwiched between Shania and Hallie. She is holding her glass of lemonade. Plates of actual sandwiches, crusts removed, are in front of each girl on the coffee table. Shania and Hallie have something red in their glasses, which are also on the table. Veronica's head bounces back and forth between the two of them. HALLIE: I am so completely not even lying. Theta Beta is the best house. SHANIA: It is. We have so much fun. HALLIE: So much fun. SHANIA: It's really like we're all sisters. Oh, and Becky's father... Shania points to a brunette sitting on another couch, talking to other invitees. SHANIA: ...is a dermatologist and he totally hooks us up. You even think you're getting a zit and you swing by - cortisone shot and you are golden. HALLIE: And we have a tanning bed. MARJORIE: Fill her up? Veronica, suffering a surfeit of sugar, looks up gratefully as the red-head who stands the other side of the coffee table. VERONICA: [with fervour] Yes. Marjorie, the red-head, fills the glass in Veronica's outstretched hand. VERONICA: Any chance this one's got a little kick to it? MARJORIE: Sorry, no booze. Them's the rules. Marjorie glances over at the choir. MARJORIE: But the farther you are from the singing, the less you'll crave intoxication. Marjorie gestures for Veronica to join her, away from the choir. Veronica rises from the couch and they walk out of the big room together, into the hall. MARJORIE: Last week they tried to change the lyrics to "Macarena." I almost impaled myself on the banister. She laughs. MARJORIE: I'm Marjorie, by the way. Marjorie holds out her hand. Veronica takes it and they shake. VERONICA: Veronica. Veronica checks her name tag. VERONICA: Oh, with a C. Um, what's up with the whole purse thing? MARJORIE: I think you'll find out soon enough. Trust, sister, trust. Marjorie glances back at Shania. MARJORIE: And don't let her scare you away. Love her to death but she kinda looks at Rush Week as shopping for someone to borrow things from. They are joined by a slim older woman carrying a plate of cookies. KAREN: Shania? She's harmless. A one-track mind but a heart of gold. MARJORIE: Gold? Really? KAREN: All my girls are wonderful. The woman proceeds into the main room. MARJORIE: Karen's our den mother. She gets paid to say that. Truth is, we're all incredibly lame but we're like family. The trade-off is you have to wear a matching dress occasionally. She smiles warmly. INT - HEARST COLLEGE, UNUSED DORM WING - DAY. Dr. Kinny leads a number of students into an unused dorm wing. The walls are covered in sheets of plastic. DR. KINNY: See what a little ingenuity and an unused dorm wing can get you? He talks as he marches them along. In one hand he has a notepad. In the other, he holds up a couple of sheets of paper. DR. KINNY: These are the rules of the Neptune Conventions. My T.A. and I will be close by to make sure you adhere to them. You'll notice the cameras throughout our prison. You'll be monitored at all times. The first couple of students behind Dr. Kinny are indeed a couple. JULIA: [whispers] We should have done the paper. OMAR: It's gonna be fine. Dr. Kinny rounds a corner and stops halfway down one of the corridors. He turns to face the group, which includes Wallace and Logan. DR. KINNY: Everyone whose Social Security number ends in an even number, step forward, please. About half the group steps forward, including Wallace and Julia. DR. KINNY: You are the guards. The rest of you are now the prisoners. Logan's surprised to find himself a prisoner. Behind him, the T.A. starts to dish out striped t-shirts. DR. KINNY: Let's go over the rules. Sleep deprivation is okay. Any other kind of physical abuse is not okay. Prisoners are required to get a certain number of calories per day, and to ensure that the food isn't inedible, one guard must eat a sample meal before the prisoners are forced to eat theirs.... Time passes. By the time Dr. Kinny gets to the end of the Neptune Conventions, all the "prisoners" are wearing their stripped shirts, and all the "guards" are in combat-green t-shirts. DR. KINNY: Prisoners are not allowed to use cell phones, computers, watches. Wallace is collecting the contraband. He reaches Logan. LOGAN: Well, I hope you enjoy writing your paper. We'll never crack. Logan takes off his watch. WALLACE: That so? Logan nods and drops his watch in the box Wallace is carrying. LOGAN: Um-hm. WALLACE: Side bet? LOGAN: Loser streaks across campus? WALLACE: I'm gonna enjoy watching you do it. Logan drops his cell phone into the box. LOGAN: You would. Logan holds out his hand and they shake on their bet. WALLACE: It's on. DR. KINNY: Prisoners, come with me, please. Dr. Kinny leads the prisoners away from the guards. Once they are all separated from the guards, Dr. Kinny holds up his notebook for the prisoners to read: "The bomb is located in the mail drop box at the corner of 116th Street and Jamison Boulevard." DR. KINNY: This is the information the guards want from you. If at any time you want the experiment to end and to just go home, all you have to do is tell one of the guards this information. LOGAN: Or click your heels three times. Some of the prisoners chuckle, although Dr. Kinny doesn't react. He turns to face the guards. DR. KINNY: Guards! A bomb will go off in 48 hours. You must get the location of the bomb from a prisoner to ensure the safety of innocent people. In exactly 48 hours, 6:02 pm Sunday... The guards look up at the clock on the wall. DR. KINNY: ...the experiment will be over. Dr. Kinny exits. His T.A. stays, observing. Everyone stands around for a few seconds before one of the guards, Rafe, takes charge. RAFE: Prisoners. In your cell. The prisoners don't respond. RAFE: [shouting] IN YOUR CELL. Even the T.A. is startled by this. The prisoners stare at Rafe but first one - Julia's boyfriend, Omar - and then the rest enter one of the rooms off the corridor. Wallace and Julia share a glance at Rafe's actions. The prisoners walk into a large room furnished with a few bunk beds. Logan is behind Omar. LOGAN: Well, I hope you're cool with this. I'm planning on calling you Nancy. Omar chuckles and heads for one of the bottom bunks. He stretches out on it. RAFE: No beds. Rafe barks instructions to the other guards. RAFE: Take them apart. Put the mattresses in the guards' room. ONE OF THE PRISONERS: Oh, come on, man. Sitting up, Omar reaches into his bag and takes out a textbook. RAFE: No books either. OMAR: Chill out, man. I've got a test on Monday, and I've got to get some studying in. RAFE: Fine. Tell us where the bomb is, you can go study right now. Omar doesn't respond. Rafe looks at Julia and another female guard, gesturing them forward. RAFE: Take their books. And their bags. The girls step forward, Julia going straight to Omar. As she takes his book, she whispers to him. JULIA: Sorry. SAMUEL: Hey, um, where's the bathroom in this place? RAFE: You'll all be using the bathroom together. There will be three breaks a day. Eight hours apart. SAMUEL: But I have to go now. RAFE: What's your name? SAMUEL: Samuel Horshack. RAFE: No! [mockingly] There-there's no way you're that short, smell that bad, and have the last name Horshack. Like, how did you not kill yourself in high school? You want to use the john? Tell me the address. SAMUEL: Come on, you're not serious? RAFE: You know, I'm looking around, I'm thinking the Jew or the fat chick will crack first. WALLACE: [uncomfortably] Hey, man. RAFE: What? You'd rather be politically correct than prevent hundreds of people from dying? Take it seriously, bro. Rafe walks out of the room. Wallace follows. WALLACE: You're going to need to watch that...bro. Rafe giggles. RAFE: Sorry, man. Just playing the part, you know? Let's just do this thing, get the hell out of here, right? Rafe walks on. Wallace stares after him. EXT - DESERT - DAY. Cormac trudges along the side of the railroad track. He pauses when he sees a pen sticking up from the ground. He walks towards it, but before he reaches it, the sound of metal on metal fills the air and Cormac screams. He goes down, his leg caught in the animal trap. Cormac writhes in pain. EXT - HEARST COLLEGE - DAY. Veronica heads for her car. VERONICA VOICEOVER: Cucumber sandwiches and lemonade. I'm really going to blow the lid off sorority malfeasance. She opens the car door. There is a large bunch of flowers on the driver's seat. Veronica lifts them out and reads the card out loud. VERONICA: "You have been selected to attend a special private party tonight 10 pm. Dress to impress. Respectfully, your sisters at Theta Beta." EXT - DESERT - DAY. On the ground, past the discarded animal trap, footsteps follow a trail of blood. It leads to Cormac, who is lying on the ground, his right leg mangled. He's used all his water and seems to be asleep, although he responds quick enough to the voice. LIAM: How's it hangin', my brother? Liam stands over him, holding up the pen, laughing. LIAM: Ahh, ouch. That looks painful, but it doesn't hurt nearly as much as being betrayed by your own brother. CORMAC: Liam. LIAM: Yeah, I thought we had a deal. I take care of your trashy girlfriend, I get a cut of her cash. Liam puts his foot on Cormac's injury. Cormac screams. LIAM: Where's the money? CORMAC: I don't know! Liam pulls out a gun, pointing it at Cormac's head. LIAM: [dangerously] Do you know now? Cormac, his arms held up over his eyes to shield them against the burning sun, begs. CORMAC: Look, Liam, I found some cash, but most of it is missing. I don't know what she did with it. LIAM: You know this is going to be the last time I ask you, right? Liam crouches down. LIAM: Dond est [shouting] MY MONEY? The gun is pressed against Cormac's temple. CORMAC: [desperately] It wasn't there. LIAM: I don't get it. Mom always liked you best. Liam's face is contorted with hate. A shot rings out. Further ahead, Keith doesn't react to the sound of the shot, staggering along the railway track, seriously dehydrated. He stops at the welcome sight of a town in the distance. EXT - HEARST COLLEGE, ZETA THETA BETA - NIGHT. Veronica is dressed in a tight pencil skirt and a jacket with a low-cut top underneath. VERONICA VOICEOVER: I'm not exactly sure what "dressed to impress" means but if I'm going to spend my night singing campfire songs and drinking cocoa, I'm thinking this will work. She climbs the steps up to the entrance of the house. INT - HEARST COLLEGE, ZETA THETA BETA - NIGHT. On first entry, the house seems deserted, although there are the muted sounds of a party going on. Veronica creeps in as the sound is enhanced by the clop-clop of heels hurrying down the stairs. Shania, dressed scantily, races over to Veronica. SHANIA: I am so excited you're here. VERONICA: Me too! Shania leads Veronica to the sliding doors to the large room. VERONICA VOICEOVER: I guess "dress to impress" meant dress like your favourite Pussycat Doll. Shania opens one of the doors. Music: "In Tha Den" by Brad Ormond. LYRICS: Watch your friend, we can do it again Watch the kid, we can do it again Slow, slow, we can do it again In tha den, we can do it again Watch your friend, we can do it again Watch the kid, we can do it again Slow, slow, we can do it again In tha den, we can do it again I need somebody to love I want to be the one for you, baby I need somebody to love I want to be the one for you, baby There is a serious party going on. VERONICA VOICEOVER: Boys, booze... Hallie appears in front of her, holding up a filled shot glass. HALLIE: Pantydropper? VERONICA VOICEOVER: Jackpot! Veronica grins and takes the glass. VERONICA: Aren't you having one? HALLIE: Oh, I'm having more than one. So what do you think? Hallie gestures at the party in front of them.. VERONICA: Awesome! Hallie grabs her arm and leads her into the room. VERONICA VOICEOVER: What do I think? I think I'd sooner drink Mark McGrath's bathwater than drink anything here. Behind Hallie's back, Veronica pours the Pantydropper into a large cup of beer. As Hallie looks over at her, Veronica pretends to have just downed it. HALLIE: Brodie! BRODIE: Hey! A shirtless boy, decorated with a collar and bow tie, approaches them with a tray of drinks. HALLIE: Pantydropper. Veronica puts her empty glass on the tray and Brodie leaves to fill the order. Hallie leads Veronica further into the party. HALLIE: The Pi Sigs are our brother fraternity. They bartend for our rush parties. They're, like, the nicest guys. VERONICA: Yeah, I hear they're super-sweet. HALLIE: I hope you don't have a boyfriend. There are so many cuties here. Like newbie legacy behind you. They pause. Behind them is the naked back of another of the bartenders for the night. HALLIE: Lost Wilson brother. Veronica turns to look at him just as he turns around. It's Dick. He shakes his head in disbelief. Veronica silently curses the gods. DICK: You look exactly like this chick from high school. Veronica turns on her inner Valley Girl. VERONICA: Oh, my God! What are you doing here? She reaches up and gives him a hug. DICK: [very confused] Fulfilling my destiny. It's a sorority party. It's why I left the womb. What are you doing here? HALLIE: Veronica's rushing, and we love her. DICK: Somewhere in a parallel universe, Bizarro-Dick is being a total killjoy- To stop him, Veronica grabs his cheeks and squishes his mouth in faux affection. VERONICA: Oh, you are so cute. HALLIE: Come on, let's get you another drink. Hallie pulls her away to a table of drinks. Veronica lets out a relieved breath. Hallie hands her another Pantydropper. Marjorie joins them. MARJORIE: This is why we take your purses. So we can leave invitations to the secret party in the dorm rooms for girls we want to get to know better. But we had to get creative with you. Marjorie laughs. VERONICA: Yeah, that's cool. VERONICA VOICEOVER: It means that anywhere here had access to Parker's room. MARJORIE: You should meet Chip, president of the Pi Sigs. Chip! Marjorie calls out to the back of a guy. He turns around. It is the same Chip that Veronica met in the Pi Sigma Sigma fraternity house in 216 "The Rapes of Graff." CHIP: Yeah? MARJORIE: This is Veronica. Tell her Theta Beta is the best house on campus. CHIP: This girl accused me of rape last year. Veronica laughs. VERONICA: Oh you! She hits him. VERONICA: God. Learn to take a joke. CHIP: Huh. Chip wanders away and Veronica is relieved. End music: "In Tha Den" by Brad Ormond. EXT - KRETCHMER COUNTY - NIGHT. The sheriff of Kretchmer County and his deputy exit from his office. There's a sheriff's vehicle parked outside and they head for it as they talk. SHERIFF CLAPTON: Well, just put that jalopy in the backyard so Mrs. Grimley doesn't have to look at it and I don't have to hear about it, and everybody's gonna be fine, okay? Keith, dirty and exhausted, comes into view and stands in front of them. SHERIFF CLAPTON: You okay there, sir? KEITH: There's been a murder. I can take you to the location. Keith points listlessly behind him. The sheriff is suspicious. INT - HEARST COLLEGE, ZETA THETA BETA - NIGHT. Meanwhile, Veronica is giving every appearance of enjoying herself at the party. She is dancing by herself suggestively. A number of boys are watching and cheering, entertained. VERONICA VOICEOVER: So the question on the dance floor: How long must a girl play drunk and willing before someone tried to get her to take off clothes? Shania and Hallie join Veronica, one pressed against either side of her and start to dance. VERONICA VOICEOVER: The '70s had the hustle, the '80s, the moonwalk. We have the faux lesbian dance. The girls dance happily. Marjorie, watching with Chip, grins. On the dance floor, Veronica spots a camera over a door. VERONICA VOICEOVER: A surveillance camera hanging over a blocked door. Yeah, that's not weird. VERONICA: Look, you guys, we're on TV! Veronica leaves the arms of Shania and Hallie and grabs a chair. She puts it in front of the door with the camera. She climbs upon the chair and starts to dance again. VERONICA VOICEOVER: If none of the guys in the room are gonna take the bait, maybe whoever's watching through this camera will. Marjorie is now concerned and after a quiet word with Chip, they both approach Veronica. Veronica bends down and takes Marjorie's arms. VERONICA: You didn't tell me there was a camera! Come on, come up here! MARJORIE: Why don't you come down? I wanna show you something. Marjorie helps Veronica down to the boos and thumbs down of the crowd. They leave the main room and Chip leads them single-file down some stairs. VERONICA VOICEOVER: Here it comes. Scary, dimly lit stairway. They think I'm drunk or worse. Veronica, bringing up the rear, gets the taser out of her bag and turns it on. VERONICA VOICEOVER: One false move and someone's getting a taste of Mr. Sparky. VERONICA: [playfully] What are you showing me? Did you get a puppy? EXT - HEARST COLLEGE, ZETA THETA BETA - NIGHT. Her hand on the taser, now deep in her bag, Veronica is led outside. VERONICA: You wanted to show me a driveway? Marjorie and Chip turn to face her. MARJORIE: I think maybe it's time to call it a night, Veronica. You're on the verge of losing points with the sisters and...you're my fave, so.... There's a Safe-Ride-Home cart coming for you. Chip will wait with you, keep you safe. Marjorie goes back into the building. Surprised, Veronica looks at Chip. He holds up his hands. CHIP: Hey, this is not how I wanted my night to end either. INT - HEARST COLLEGE, UNUSED DORM WING - NIGHT. The guards carry trays into the prisoners' room. RAFE: I hope you're all hungry. The trays are dropped on the floor. The contents are unappetising, comprising tinned fish (sardines, pilchards, or anchovies, maybe) and something in bowls that defies description. ONE OF THE PRISONERS: Ugh, what is that? OMAR: One of you has to eat it first. Wallace claps and rubs together his hands in enthusiasm. WALLACE: That would be me. Wallace crouches down and takes one of the fish from the tin. ONE OF THE PRISONERS: Oh, gross. Wallace makes enthusiastic noises. WALLACE: These are some tasty fishes. SAMUEL: I can't eat this. Rafe smirks and walks up to Samuel. RAFE: Sure you can. Maybe it's magic corn and you can grow to be the size of a real boy. Logan starts chewing, unfazed. EXT - HEARST COLLEGE, ZETA THETA BETA - NIGHT. Chip looks down at the sounds of retching and shakes his head before walking away. Veronica is on her hands and knees by a large tree trunk. VERONICA VOICEOVER: The best way to keep a guy at least ten feet away? Dry heave. Vomit is the new mace. Veronica looks around on hearing the sound of a cart. It pulls up where Chip is standing and Veronica leaps up. The driver is Fern, last seen kneeing Dick in the groin at the Take Back the Night rally. FERN: Your chariot. Veronica, still playing drunk, waves at Chip and heads around the cart to get in on the other side. VERONICA: Bye, sailor. Chip checks that she gets in okay and addresses Fern. CHIP: You have to take her to her friend's dorm. She's a commuter. Chip slaps the top of the cart a couple of times and stands back. Fern groans and sets off. Chip wipes his hands, glad to be rid of Veronica. In the cart, Veronica is more intent on looking back to ensure she's in the clear to pay much attention to Fern. FERN: I don't know why I do it. You girls get all tarted up... Satisfied that she's away, Veronica starts to pay attention. FERN: ...parade right into the belly of the beast, and drink until you can't say no. You're lucky you didn't end up with a shaved head. You should know better. The Greeks are evil. VERONICA: Okay. So here's the thing. I'm not really drunk. So, if you could just take me to the parking lot. FERN: Yeah, like I don't get that speech from everyone who sits in that seat. Fern glares at Veronica with disapproval. VERONICA: No, for real. I'm totally sober. Um, I was pretending for a story. I'm on your side. Look! Veronica touches her nose with each finger rapidly, to persuade Fern of her sobriety. Fern is not impressed. VERONICA: Hey, you pick up any Theta Beta rushes last night? FERN: I didn't. But there are a couple of carts out each night. VERONICA: Backwards alphabet? Z, x, y, w, v, u, t, s, r, q, p, o, n, m, l.... Do you want me to juggle? Back handspring? A v*g1n* Monologue, perhaps? Fern pulls the cart to a stop. FERN: Get out. Veronica slides out of the seat. Without a word, Fern drives away. Veronica calls after her. VERONICA: Thanks, sunshine. Keep on keepin' on. INT - HEARST COLLEGE, UNUSED DORM WING - NIGHT. The male prisoners are in the bathroom, using the urinals. Rafe claps his hands. RAFE: Hurry up! No measuring contest, just do your business like the dogs you are. Rafe spots another opportunity to humiliate Samuel. He does an impression of Arnold Horshack in Welcome Back Kotter. RAFE: Oo-oo-oo. Samuel doesn't react. He just stands silent and closes his eyes. Rafe laughs and walks around the side of Samuel. RAFE: I don't hear anything, Horshack. You all dried out? Samuel's face shows that Rafe has hit on his problem. SAMUEL: It's kind of hard with you yelling. RAFE: [mocklingly] "I can't pee 'cause there's other boys around." Wait a minute. Are you a homo, Horshack? Wallace, watching from near the door, shuffles uncomfortably. RAFE: Time's up! Samuel grimaces, zips up, and leaves the urinal. Logan, stationed at the next door urinal, glances over thoughtfully. INT - DESERT, CABIN - NIGHT. Keith and the sheriff walk through the devastated cabin of ripped out walls. SHERIFF CLAPTON: Uh, no blood, no body, place tore up. It's like a robbery, not a murder. KEITH: They tore the place up looking for the victim's money. SHERIFF CLAPTON: Well, if it was here, they found it. The sheriff throws a question back at Keith, standing behind him. SHERIFF CLAPTON: Just tell me again what you were doing out there in the desert. Keith makes a gesture of exasperation but is spared having to make a response by a call from an inner room. DEPUTY: Hey, Sheriff. Keith and the sheriff enter the room where the deputy is. The deputy is in the process of taking a picture from the wall. On the corner is a small splatter of blood. DEPUTY: I think I found some blood. SHERIFF CLAPTON: Bag it. Let's get it back to the lab. The deputy nods and takes the picture to the outer room. He sets it on a table. Keith watches from the doorway as the deputy carefully lifts off the hard plastic that encased the picture, the blood being on the plastic, which the deputy proceeds to bag. Keith stares at the picture left behind. INT - HEARST COLLEGE, UNUSED DORM WING - NIGHT. Logan, sitting on the floor, leaning against the wall in a corner, drifts off to sleep, his head falling into the corner. There's a sudden loud burst of music. Music: "Escape" by Rupert Holmes. LYRICS: If you like Pi a Coladas Getting caught in the rain If you're not into yoga If you have half a- Logan wakes up, pissed. The other prisoners awaken and grumble. Rafe is standing at the door holding a portable stereo. LOGAN: Okay, okay, I'll tell you what you want to know. Rafe switches off the music. End music: "Escape" by Rupert Holmes. Omar and the female student stare at Logan in shock. Logan beckons Rafe closer. LOGAN: C'mere. Rafe puts down the stereo, walks over to Logan and bends down to him. LOGAN: Yes, I like Pi a Coladas. And getting caught in the rain. The others giggle, and now Rafe is pissed. He sees Samuel huddled away from the others. RAFE: Get up! Samuel doesn't move. Rafe storms over to him. RAFE: GET UP! Slowly Samuel rises to his feet, looking shamed. His jeans are soaked from him having peed himself. Rafe laughs in triumph. RAFE: Mother of every thing that is holy! He marches Samuel into the view of everyone. RAFE: He-mo wet his pants. SAMUEL: [pleading] I have sweatpants in my bag, Rafe. Rafe just laughs. RAFE: Sit down, prisoner. The female prisoner and Logan exchange a worried look. INT - MARS RESIDENCE - DAY. Veronica, in her pyjamas, walks from the direction of the bedroom to the refrigerator. She gets a bottle of water and starts to drink as she shuts the door and turns. She gives a start and nearly chokes. Keith is sitting in the armchair, staring into space. VERONICA: What are you doing? You nearly scared me to death. KEITH: I'm sorry. VERONICA: Why are you sitting there in the dark? And while we're at it, why didn't you call and tell me you were gonna be home a day late? Backup was worried sick. Veronica is oblivious to Keith's demeanour. VERONICA: [teasingly] C'mon, you can tell me. You've got a girl stashed somewhere, don't you? Keith bends forward, into the light. It is clear from his face that he is deeply distressed. He puts a hand on his head. Veronica finally gets it. VERONICA: Hey. What's wrong? She slides onto the arm of the chair, putting her arm around his shoulders and leaning close towards him. KEITH: [tearfully] I screwed up, Veronica. I screwed up, and someone got hurt. Keith sniffs and drops his head back in his hands. Veronica cuddles into him, putting her head on his shoulder. VERONICA: I know exactly how you feel. She reaches forward to take his free hand. INT - HEARST COLLEGE, UNUSED DORM WING - DAY. Wallace is enjoying some more of the prisoners' food. ONE OF THE PRISONERS: What is that? He swallows and smacks his lips. WALLACE: Pigs' knuckles. Ya-um. The prisoners do not look convinced. SAMUEL: I can't eat that. It's pork. RAFE: Then your mother was a pig? SAMUEL: I keep kosher. RAFE: Yeah, I don't get that. I mean, why won't your kind eat pork? It's not like it's expensive. Rafe suddenly notices that Samuel is wearing sweatpants. RAFE: Where did you get those? Samuel and Wallace exchange a quick glance. Samuel doesn't answer. RAFE: [shouts] I'm not asking you again. SAMUEL: I'm not telling you. RAFE: Well, then, you're going to solitary. Rafe grabs him and marched him out of the room under Logan's watchful eye. RAFE: You can sit in there all curled up in the dark and pretend you're hiding from the Germans. INT - HEARST COLLEGE, MAC AND PARKER'S ROOM - DAY. Mac is lying on her bed, her laptop open in front of her. She can't help but overhear Parker and her mother and looks up uncomfortably. PARKER: No, I think the first one was better. MRS. LEE: It wasn't, honey. Parker and Mrs. Lee are standing in front of a mirror. Parker is wearing a wig, the "hair" of which is long and nearly silver with a thick fringe. PARKER: Mom! I just, I think it's more me. MRS. LEE: You should have something simple, that doesn't draw attention to you. PARKER: Everyone is gonna know it's a wig anyway. Parker pulls it off and sighs. She looks at Mac. PARKER: What do you think, Mac? Mac has no idea what to say. MAC: Uh... MRS. LEE: See, this is exactly what I'm talking about. You can't make a decision for yourself. This is why you never should have gone away to college. You're too immature. Once your father gets his pound of flesh at the Dean's office, we're taking you home. [SCENE_BREAK] INT - HEARST COLLEGE, NEWSPAPER OFFICE - DAY. Veronica and Nish are again perambulating. NISH: Listen, it all sounds suspicious to me, Veronica, but you gotta find out what's behind the door with the camera. VERONICA: Marjorie, the cool one- NISH: Trust me, Veronica, none of them are cool. VERONICA: She left me a voice-mail checking in on me, suggesting I curtail my drinking. It just doesn't exactly sound like the advice she'd give if they were trying to get me to strip in front of the Pi Sigs. NISH: Four sources, Veronica. Something bad is going on in that basement. VERONICA: Marjorie also said they were voting tonight at seven. That's when I'll make my move. NISH: Great. VERONICA: They sent me home in a Safe-Ride-Home cart. If they sent Parker home the same way, maybe the driver knows something. NISH: Or maybe the driver took advantage of the situation. I have a friend who volunteers at Take Back the Night. Nish by now is back in her (Ashley's) cubicle. She picks up the phone. NISH: Hey, it's Nish. Question. Do you guys keep records of who you take home? INT - HEARST COLLEGE, MOE'S ROOM - DAY. Moe opens his door and smiles. The sound of the classical music he is playing spills out. Music: The first movement (Allegro vivace) from Symphony No.41 by Mozart. VERONICA: Wanna know the day you're the least safe at Hearst? Today. Why didn't you tell us you drove Parker home the night she was raped? Moe is at a loss for words. A moment (or a commercial break) later, Veronica is in Moe's room. He is, again, attending to his refreshments. He pours water from a kettle into his Papa Bear mug. VERONICA: If I understand correctly, you drove Parker home. She must have been totally out of it. MOE: She was. She was hammered. VERONICA: And you come in Wallace's room the next day dropping off rape safety rules and you don't mention you were the one who put her to bed? MOE: I didn't know Parker was the girl who got raped. If I knew, I would have gone to the police or something. With his tea in one hand and a plate of biscuits in the other, he turns to face Veronica. MOE: Biscotti? VERONICA: [impatiently]No. A-And what exactly would you have told the police? MOE: Whatever they asked. I didn't do anything wrong, Veronica. Moe settles himself down with his snack. MOE: She was fine when we left. VERONICA: We? MOE: There was another girl in the cart. She wasn't drunk or anything. She just took the cart so she didn't have to walk alone. Parker was so out of it, she helped me take her upstairs. VERONICA: What was her name? Moe's gesture seems to indicate that he doesn't know. End music: The first movement (Allegro vivace) from Symphony No.41 by Mozart. INT - HEARST COLLEGE, UNUSED DORM WING - DAY. A door opens on Samuel, sitting alone on the floor in what looks like a janitor's closet. The light temporarily blinds him. Rafe looks down at him. RAFE: Guten morgen. Rafe escorts Samuel back to the prisoners' room. He pushes him in, then exits. Logan approaches Samuel. He pats him on the shoulder. LOGAN: Hats off, man. SAMUEL: What? LOGAN: I would've cracked. I almost did already but, would you believe, I forgot the damn address. Samuel chuckles. SAMUEL: It's the corner of 116th Street and Jamison Boulevard. OMAR: It's 114th Street and Jamestown. Samuel looks confused. SAMUEL: No, it's the corner of 116th Street and it's Jamison, like the liquor. FEMALE PRISONER: He's right. It's 114th Street and Jamestown. OMAR: Maybe you could say it a little bit louder next time? FEMALE PRISONER: I was agreeing with you, jerk. Logan stares at them for a moment, then back at Samuel, who is now very confused. INT - HEARST COLLEGE, ZETA THETA BETA, KAREN'S ROOM - DAY. On the wall, there's a poster of Lance Armstrong. Underneath is the message: "Pain is temporary, quitting is forever." Veronica is sitting underneath, on a floral couch. VERONICA VOICEOVER: Moe's alibi checked out. Teri Wells, a sophomore RA in Clark Hall, confirmed that she and Moe dropped Parker off at her room and that by the time she left Moe, it was midnight. So, it's back to Theta Beta, figuring out what the deal is with the mystery room, and hoping it'll give me some clue to what happened to Parker. Karen joins her on the couch, handing her a bottle of Snapple. KAREN: Here you go, Veronica. VERONICA: Thanks. I'm just so embarrassed. I-I'm really not usually like that. KAREN: We all have our moments, Veronica. Lord knows, I have. VERONICA: I just know they're not going to vote for me now. KAREN: They may surprise you. My girls are excellent judges of character. VERONICA: I really like it here, and Marjorie... KAREN: You know, you can't talk to the girls before the vote, but I can. Karen rises from the couch and leaves the room. As soon as she's gone, Veronica hurries to her desk. She searches through a couple of drawers until finding a set of keys. She pockets them. She then notices the computer screen on the desk. It shows the room in which the party was held. VERONICA VOICEOVER: So the surveillance-camera monitor is in the den mother's room? What exactly is going on here? Veronica looks around and notices a dog bed in the bathroom. KAREN: Veronica? Karen arrives back and is surprised to find her at the desk. Veronica holds out the top of the bottle. VERONICA: Just looking for the trash. Karen holds out her hand for it. KAREN: You can relax now. I don't think you have anything to worry about. Karen smiles. Veronica smiles and nods. INT - HEARST COLLEGE, UNUSED DORM WING - NIGHT. Wallace is in a chair outside the prisoners' room, but he is asleep, as is Julia next to him. Inside, Logan rouses the others. LOGAN: Psst. He nods in the direction of the window. The prisoners pad softly to it, one of them carrying a bundle. Logan opens the window and lets down the makeshift ladder of sheets tied together. INT - HEARST COLLEGE, FOOD COURT - NIGHT. The prisoners enjoy large drinks, pizza, and other junk food at one of the Food Court tables. They chat and laugh, happy about their freedom, save for Samuel who is asleep with his head resting on his arm on the table. Logan slurps the remains of his drink through a straw and throws down his napkin. LOGAN: [in a Southern accent] I do declare. That was the finest Frito pie I believe I've ever tasted. Veronica pats him on the back and stands by the table, looking down at him. LOGAN: Ah, finally, my conjugal visit. VERONICA: Hmm, lemme guess. You're out on good behaviour? LOGAN: [softly] No. He makes an announcement to his fellow escapees. LOGAN: You all know my girl, Veronica. He looks back up at his girlfriend. LOGAN: I have your picture hung in my cell. Gets me through the long, lonely nights. I lend it to my buddy, Horshack, sometimes. Hope you don't mind. VERONICA: It's good to share. Veronica picks some food off his plate and pops it in her mouth. LOGAN: Yep. Well, have a seat. We're waxing nostalgic over our time on the inside. VERONICA: Hmm, I can't. You're breaking out, I'm breaking in. Veronica gestures at the two of them for the benefit of the rest of the table. VERONICA: Star-crossed. Logan watches her go, then shifts his view as Rafe and the guards march up to the table. RAFE: What the hell do you think you're doing? LOGAN: Hm, getting a jump-start on the freshman fifteen? The prisoners start to get up from the table as Rafe verbally attacks Wallace and Julia. RAFE: You can't hear six people jump out of a window? We're going to lose this now, and it's on you two. They all start to head out. INT - HEARST COLLEGE, ZETA THETA BETA - NIGHT. Veronica enters from the driveway. VERONICA VOICEOVER: Now, with the Zeta Theta sisters all off somewhere voting, time to see what's in the mystery room. She races up the staircase. In the main room, she puts tape over the camera above the door, then uses the keys to open the door underneath. She enters the room. It is full of marijuana plants grown under artificial lights. Veronica stares in surprise. VERONICA: Holy smokes. INT - HEARST COLLEGE - DAY. The scene of the greenhouse converts to photographs in the hands of Nish. NISH: Un-freaking-believable. This is awesome, Veronica. VERONICA: [quietly] Thanks. Nish is perched on a desk, thrilled with Veronica's success. NISH: And the secret parties with the booze and dudes? We're talking one Greek house down... She snakes her head in a dance. NISH:...nine to go. Nish laughs. VERONICA: Yeah. You know, they weren't all bad. NISH: You're going to be a real asset to us here, Veronica. You're one of us now. Veronica isn't thrilled. INT - HEARST COLLEGE, UNUSED DORM WING - DAY. Samuel is at a urinal. Rafe is looming over him and shouting in his ear. RAFE: How are you not peeing? You downed an entire Big Gulp at the Food Court and now you can't go? What is wrong with you? Samuel reacts to each charge as if slapped and finally cracks. SAMUEL: It's 114th and Jamestown. Rafe smiles. Logan and Omar race from the area of the cubicles. LOGAN: Dude! OMAR: It's only ten hours to go and you caved. RAFE: Leave him alone. Rafe pats Samuel heartily on the shoulder. EXT - HEARST COLLEGE - DAY. Veronica walks to her car. She pauses when she sees Marjorie leaning against it. MARJORIE: We need to talk. VERONICA: About what? MARJORIE: Karen has cancer. She saw you go into her private room. There's a second camera inside. What were you looking for? VERONICA: The truth? MARJORIE: If that's not too much to ask. VERONICA: A friend... Veronica realises that it is not the right word. VERONICA: ...someone I know, was raped after she left a Theta Beta party. I thought there might be a clue behind that door. MARJORIE: What's behind that door had nothing to do with the rape of Parker Lee. VERONICA: So the pot farm... MARJORIE: Karen was so sick from the chemo, she just spent the day laying on the floor in front of the toilet. We got a dog bed so at least she could lay on something soft. This botany professor friend of hers gave her some seeds. He said it would help with the pain and the nausea, and it did. She won't just lose her job over this, Veronica, she'll lose her insurance. Please don't say anything about what you saw. Marjorie walks away. INT - HEARST COLLEGE, UNUSED DORM WING - DAY. The prisoners and the guards are standing at either end of the corridor. Samuel is in between them, facing his fellow prisoners. SAMUEL: I held out as long as I could, guys. Really. RAFE: Come on, give the guy a break. Dr. Kinny arrives. DR. KINNY: You rang? RAFE: [triumphantly] We have the address. 114th and Jamestown. DR. KINNY: Congratulations. Dr. Kinny extends his hand. Rafe takes it, shaking the man's hand with fervour. The other guards quietly celebrate. DR. KINNY: You managed to get false information. Rafe is stunned. Wallace's broad smile melts away. Logan's brow rises in triumph. DR. KINNY: Call me again when you get accurate info. Dr. Kinny turns and walks away. As he goes, a "D'oh" is heard (Dr. Kinny is played by Dan Castellaneta who voices Homer Simpson) but it is unclear as to whether he says it (producers claim) or if it was said by someone else (episode's writer and editor claim in a podcast). Rafe doesn't care. He's fit to burst and turns furiously on Samuel. RAFE: Solitary, now! Samuel's face crumples and he dips past Rafe to go to the janitor's closet. Rafe turns his attention to Logan, marching straight up to him and getting in his face. RAFE: I don't know how you did this, but I know this was you. Logan smirks, satisfied. EXT - HEARST COLLEGE - DAY. Veronica is still standing beside her car where Marjorie left her. She is on her cell phone. VERONICA: Nish, it's Veronica. Listen to me, you can't print that story. I made a huge mistake. INT - HEARST COLLEGE, NEWSPAPER OFFICE - DAY. Nish is sitting in her/Ashley's office. NISH: What mistake? EXT - HEARST COLLEGE - DAY. Veronica talks as she walks to the back of her car and leans against it. VERONICA: Their den mother has cancer. She's growing marijuana for medical reasons. She got the seeds from a botany professor who was trying to help her. INT - HEARST COLLEGE, NEWSPAPER OFFICE - DAY. Nish is unmoved. NISH: And the party, the... EXT - HEARST COLLEGE - DAY. NISH: [offscreen] ...underage drinking... VERONICA: Look. Can you just give me a day, so I can verify some facts? NISH: [offscreen] As far as I'm concerned, the facts are here. INT - HEARST COLLEGE, NEWSPAPER OFFICE - DAY. NISH: The article's being published, Veronica. EXT - HEARST COLLEGE - DAY. NISH: [offscreen] You should be proud. Veronica is anything but. She drops the phone, regretful. INT - HEARST COLLEGE, ZETA THETA BETA - DAY. There's a knock at the door. Karen opens it. Veronica stands there. Karen sags a little at the sight of her. VERONICA: [genuinely] Karen. I am so sorry. Marjorie joins Karen at the door. VERONICA: There's going to be an article in the school newspaper tomorrow. You need to get rid of the marijuana before it comes out. Karen sags that bit more and turns away, leaving Marjorie with Veronica. MARJORIE: You wanna know the definition of ironic? She smiles humourlessly. MARJORIE: You got voted in, Veronica. We wanted you to be one of us. Marjorie closes the door. Veronica lets out a breath, shame and regret written all over her. INT - HEARST COLLEGE, MAC AND PARKER'S ROOM - DAY. Parker's side of the room is cleared, and everything is gone. Parker, in the horrible wig her mother said was the best choice, carries only a small bag as she approaches Mac, who is sitting on her bed working on her laptop. PARKER: I left you a card with like my numbers and stuff. If you want. She sinks onto the small couch. PARKER: I thought we were going to have a blast together. Now everything's ruined. MAC: Don't go. Nothing's ruined...but I think if you go with your parents, it will be. Stay here. I'll have your back from now on. Parker's moved and grateful. She breaks into a cautious smile. VERONICA: Thank you, Mac. Parker rises from the couch and walks towards Mac. Mac, clearly new to this sort of affection, rises slowly. They hug. Mac's expression speaks of not being sure why she's given Parker the support, but not having any doubts about it. INT - HEARST COLLEGE, UNUSED DORM WING - DAY. The clock shows the time is 6:01. Back in the corridor, all the prisoners except Logan, who is being fairly nonchalant, watch it with increasing anticipation. The guards are facing them, less enthusiastic. Rafe glances back at the clock. The minute hand moves and it is 6:02. The prisoners celebrate. After slapping hands with Logan, Omar races forward into the arms of his girlfriend, Julia. They hug. WALLACE: [innocently] Omar? Now that it's over, you gotta tell us what that address was. Logan, alert to the trap, shouts out... LOGAN: No! But Omar either doesn't hear him or ignores him. OMAR: [gloating] It's 116th Street and Jamison Boulevard. Stick that in your trophy case, baby. WALLACE: Okay. Behind Wallace, Dr. Kinny has just entered. DR. KINNY: Congratulations, guards. You've won. OMAR: What are you talking about? It's 6:03. Dr. Kinny consults his watch. DR. KINNY: It's 5:45. The two guards who fell asleep on duty were just pretending. Rafe is stunned. Wallace holds up his wrist and taps his watch. DR. KINNY: They waited for the prisoners to escape and then moved the clock forward. Omar looks up at his (taller) girlfriend. She shrugs, smiling. DR. KINNY: See you in class. Dr. Kinny turns and walks out. Logan curses silently and looks at Wallace, who beams and nods at him, before turning to the angry Rafe. RAFE: And you didn't tell me? WALLACE: Well, we were counting on you to act like a jerk. Wallace pats him companionably on the arm. WALLACE: Way to sell it. As Rafe tries to work out if that's a compliment, Wallace looks back at Logan and gives him a salute. Logan gives a small smile and nods. INT - MARS RESIDENCE - DAY. Keith comes into the kitchen where Veronica is seated at the counter eating a bowl of cereal. Her laptop is open in front of her. KEITH: 'Sup? VERONICA: I'm not acknowledging that. As he pours himself a coffee, Keith looks at his daughter with pride and affection. KEITH: Look at my dedicated college student. VERONICA: Knowledge is power. KEITH: Nietzsche? VERONICA: Mm, Schoolhouse Rock! VERONICA VOICEOVER: Here's the knowledge I've accumulated my first week at Hearst. Veronica has opened a file on the rapes. Her laptop shows a page of it. Down the right hand side is listed the subfiles - Victims, Suspects, Crime Scenes, and Timeline. Taking up most of the page is a map of the campus (and possibly the surrounding area). There are four markers, clustered in the top left-hand part of the screen, presumably showing the locations of four rapes. There is a smaller window that is superimposed over this (and may hide other locations). In it are some notes about Parker, whose name tops that window. On the left is space for a photo, of which there isn't one at this stage. Under that are Parker's basic details: Age: 18 DOB: 01/27/88 s*x: F Height: 5'5" Weight: 117 Eyes: Blue Hair: Blonde Marital Status: Single Employer: Student On the larger right-hand section, headed "Notes," the following is written: "Promiscuous frosh [or trash?]...attractive and well-liked (for obvious reason). Night of rape, I walked into Mac and Parker's room to get our movie tickets, heard sexual noises, saw what looked like consensual s*x and heard a buzzing sound that I thought was a vibrator... Turns out it was a hair trimmer, evidence that this is the serial rapist (due to the other three rapes involving shaved heads, the rapist's mark)..." At the bottom of this smaller window are the following tabs: Notes, Interview, Enemies, Evidence, Save, and X. VERONICA VOICEOVER: Chip Diller seems to be around when the rapes occur, the safety of the Safe-Ride-Home is questionable, and someone in the Theta Betas had the keys to Parker's room the night of her rape. It's a start. INT - MUSEUM - DAY. A box is opened. Inside is the painting from the cabin. CURATOR: [stunned] Van Gogh's "Two Lovers." Do you have any idea how much this is worth? KEITH: Millions. FLASHBACK. INT - MARS INVESTIGATIONS - DAY. Kendall is standing in front of Keith's desk. KENDALL: I need you to do something for me. Keith is putting on his jacket. KEITH: Sorry, Mrs. Casablancas, but I'm meeting my daughter in an hour. KENDALL: I think you'll change your mind. Kendall opens the briefcase on Keith's desk. Inside is the painting. KEITH: Oh. END FLASHBACK. INT - MUSEUM - CONTINUING. Keith hands over some papers. KEITH: Papers are in order. Proceeds from the sale to go to the South Neptune Food Bank. CURATOR: Are you sure? Keith smiles. KEITH: Yeah, I'm sure. He turns and walks away. INT - HEARST COLLEGE, DR. KINNY'S LECTURE ROOM - DAY. Dr. Kinny's room fills up with students. Wallace enters and takes his seat, which is next to Samuel. WALLACE: Hey, Horshack. SAMUEL: Morning, Wallace. WALLACE: Good news. Looks like Rafe isn't showing up today. SAMUEL: Yeah, he's feeling a cold coming on. He asked me to take notes for him. WALLACE: [surprised] And you're doing it? SAMUEL: Yeah, I mean, all that stuff this weekend was just a game. He's a cool guy. He just likes to win. WALLACE: [sceptically] If you say so. SAMUEL: Oh, hey, where's Logan? WALLACE: [happily] Oh, we'll be seeing him real soon. Wallace turns his attention to the front of the room with a grin as Dr. Kinny starts his lecture. DR. KINNY: So, what did we learn from our little experiment this weekend? Let me hear from one of the participants. There's a bang as the door to the room swings open. Logan, naked but for a black eye mask, races into the room and down the aisle between the desks. Students titter. Logan stops at Wallace's desk, turns to face him, and salutes. Wallace, grinning, holds out his hands to shield his eyes from Logan's nether regions. Logan ends the salute on a flourish and runs on. SAMUEL: [with distaste] Oh, my God! Logan speeds to the front before an ambivalent Dr. Kinny and out of the room. The students continue to laugh and mutter. Wallace turns to Samuel. WALLACE: That happens to me all the time. INT - HEARST COLLEGE, LIBRARY - DAY. Veronica is at a library counter, stamping books. VERONICA VOICEOVER: So it looks like my work study job will be in the library. She slides the book over to the unseen receiver with a smile. She grabs a couple of books from the counter and walks over to a book cart. VERONICA VOICEOVER: My journalism career over before it even really began. She puts the books on the cart and starts to push it. She pauses on noticing a newspaper on one of the reading tables. She leaves the cart to look at the paper. The front page is "her" story. Under the large print of her picture of the crop is the caption "Harvest College? Marijuana plants flourish freely in a hidden grow-room [sic] located inside Zeta...." The headline is: "Grow room discovered in Theta Beta." There is a sub-headline: "Botany professor provides seeds." The only by-line on the story is "Veronica Mars, Contributor." As much as can be read states: "Hearst College has a cash crop on its hands. Too bad they aren't aware of it. Nestles in a secret...Zeta Theta B...away...While California's medicin...marijuana laws are regarded as quite liberal, certain regulations and safe guards are in place to ensure only certified growers operate for the benefit of ailing patients." The article then goes into Latin. Running down a column on the left hand side is a notice on "Today @ Hearst, 9 a.m. - 3 p.m." and reads "Freshmen attend the first day of New Student Orientation and receive academic planning tips and course registration assistence [sic] Student orientation will be held through September 16th." Finally, there is a note to the effect that more of today's headlines can be found at hearstfreepress.com. Veronica sighs on reading the lead story. Fern walks past behind her and notices. FERN: Well done, sister. Fern gives her a double thumbs-up and walks away. Veronica is not so proud of herself.

Guilty over not having helped Parker, Veronica pursues the Hearst serial rapist by going undercover at the Theta Beta sorority during rush week. Parker's parents arrive, intending to take her home. Wallace and Logan participate in a guard/prisoner experiment for sociology class. On the night she was raped, Parker was taken back to her dorm room by a resident assistant because she was too intoxicated to get back herself. Veronica also learns that someone from Theta Beta could have had access to the keys to Parker's dorm room.

fd_Torchwood_2x04

fd_Torchwood_2x04_0

Opening shots and series recap JACK HARKNESS : (v.o.) Torchwood. Outside the Government, beyond the police. Fighting for the future on behalf of the human race. The 21st century is when everything changes... and Torchwood is ready. INT. RHYS' CAR (TRAVELING) - DAY It's raining outside. Rhys is driving and singing along enthusiastically with the radio playing a Harwood's commercial. RADIO : Who can you trust ? /Who can you trust to transport your cars. RHYS : (singing along) Harwood's ! /You won't be sorry with a Harwood's lorry ! Rhys laughs. RADIO : (from radio) Good morning. And today sees an improvement on the weather we've been having recently. Rhys' phone rings. He looks outside and motions as he pulls over to the side of the road. Cars beep their horns and pass him by. The phone continues to ring. Rhys answers the phone. RHYS : (to phone) Yeah, Ruth ! (chuckles) Did you hear it ? I wrote the last bit. (He chuckles again, then stops as he listens.) What sort of accident ? Yeah, yeah, I know it. Yeah, I'll get over there now. Rhys hangs up and pulls back out into traffic. EXT. ROAD - DAY Rhys pulls up his car, license #CEO7FKV, to the accident site where the police have the area blocked. The accident looks very serious. Police, Dragon Rescue personnel and emergency vehicles are there. Rhys gets out of the car and heads over to the site. An officer stops him. POLICEMAN : Stay back, please. You're going to have to move your car. RHYS : Yeah, I'm Rhys Williams, I'm the manager of Harwood's Haulage. CRANE UP to show the truck knocked on its side and another smaller vehicle smashed and flipped completely over nearby. The officer is adamant. POLICEMAN : Now, you can check on the vehicle later. RHYS : Bollocks to that, mate. I know the driver. Is he... Rhys indicates the body on the gurney. The officer turns to look. POLICEMAN : Didn't make it. Sorry. (The emergency workers pull the sheet over the face of the body on the gurney.) Can you give me some details, sir ? RHYS : It's Leighton. Uh... Leighton Reynolds. POLICEMAN : Next of kin ? The emergency workers push the gurney away. RHYS : Yeah, he's got a... a wife. Jen. Just had a baby. POLICEMAN : Do you know the address ? RHYS : Uh, yeah, uh, 54 Keppoch Street, Roath. Gave him a lift to football. They put the gurney in the back of the vehicle. POLICEMAN : Thank you, sir. A siren wails as the emergency ambulance leaves the site. RHYS : Right, um, I'm going to need to arrange to move the lorry. POLICEMAN : Not yet. There's something suspicious in the back. RHYS : It's just meat. Leighton was taking it to the abattoir. OFFICER : Yeah, well, whatever. Torchwood want a look at it first. The officer turns just as the Torchwood SUV pulls up directly behind the accident site. Rhys watches as the Torchwood team gets out of the SUV. First Jack... then Gwen. He's absolutely stunned to see Gwen there. OPENING CREDITS INT. BACK OF HARWOOD'S TRUCK - DAY Jack steps in first with his flashlight on. He makes his way through the back of the truck. The others follow. Someone coughs. Jack pushes the plastic sheeting aside and finds a large clump of meat on the floor. JACK : Ugh. He presses his boot into the meat. OWEN : Oh, it stinks. Outside, sirens wail. Jack looks at the meat. JACK : No bones, just dense flesh. OWEN : It's not like any flesh I've ever seen. Owen and Gwen are still standing near the entryway. Jack looks around the truck. GWEN : What is it ? Jack kneels down for a better look at the meat. JACK : Well, as there haven't been any giant cow sightings, I suggest we take a sample back to the hub. Jack stands up. Owen turns to his kit. INTERCUT WITH : EXT. ROAD - DAY Gwen steps back out of the truck to talk with the police officer. She doesn't notice that Rhys is there in the back watching her. GWEN : We're going to need to take the contents of the van, confiscate it until we've done further investigations. Inside the truck, Owen is cutting off a piece of the meat. Outside, Jack talks with Ianto. JACK : Did you find out where it came from ? IANTO : No, but it is a Harwood's lorry, so... GWEN : Oh, um, that's Rhys's firm. Jack and Ianto look at Gwen. Way behind them, Rhys is still watching them. Inside the truck, Owen drops a slab of meat into the kit. Outside, Gwen looks at Jack and Ianto. Inside the truck, Owen picks up his kit and is on the move. He heads out. OWEN : Right, done. JACK : Let's go. Jack turns and heads for the SUV. The officer lifts the tape for him. Ianto follows. Owen rushes out and heads for the SUV. Gwen follows after them. Rhys sees them leaving and runs back to his car. Owen puts his things in the back of the SUV, license #CF06 FDU. Jack shuts the trunk door. Rhys is in his car and on the move. He continues forward through the block road with the intention of following the Torchwood SUV and Gwen. The Torchwood SUV starts and pulls away from the site. The policeman stops Rhys. POLICEMAN : Sorry, sir, you can't come this way now. The Torchwood SUV turns around and drives away. Rhys hits the steering wheel in frustration. RHYS : Argh ! [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. MILLENNIUM CENTRE (STOCK) - DAY INT. HUB - AUTOPSY - DAY Owen is wearing a green disposable apron and moves around as he gives his report after testing the meat. OWEN : There is evidence of a vertebral column but its genetic makeup isn't compatible with any known animal. JACK : Any idea what it is ? Gwen is unusually quiet. OWEN : Have to scan it. But whoever's farming this meat knows it's dodgy. He holds up the label. OWEN : You see this ? Official vet stamp, "Fit for human consumption." It's fake. It's good, but it's fake. Jack walks past Gwen as he heads over toward Toshiko and Ianto by the computers. JACK : Tosh, get on to the haulage firm. Find out where that meat is from and where it's heading. Gwen follows Jack back up to the workstations. GWEN : (quietly to Jack) Why does it have to be Rhys's firm ? It's a bit too close to home. JACK : You want to stand down ? GWEN : No ! I want to find out what's going on. Ianto gives her a cup of coffee. GWEN : Thank you, Ianto. Toshiko adjusts her monitor as she waits for the Harwood's advert to finish. Everyone is drinking their cup of coffee. SONG : (speaker) Who can you trust ? / Who can you trust to transport your cars / Harwood's ! / You won't be sorry with a Harwood's lorry. Gwen stifles a smile as everyone listens to the song. IANTO : Catchy. TOSHIKO : Do you think the haulage firm might be in on it, too ? GWEN : Rhys ? No! He doesn't know what goes in the vans, he just hires them out. IANTO : Driver must have seen it loaded. GWEN : That doesn't implicate Rhys. He's the most honest man I know. TOSHIKO : Have you got his direct line ? Gwen puts her coffee cup down and takes her phone out of her jacket pocket. Jack watches her. She opens the phone to get the number. [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. HARWOOD'S HAULAGE (STOCK) - DAY Establish. Building. The phone rings. INT. HARWOOD'S HAULAGE - DAY Rhys opens a binder on his way back to his desk. His secretary, Ruth, sits at her desk. The phone rings. Ruth answers it. RUTH : (to phone) Harwood's Haulage. How may I help you ? (She looks at Rhys.) It's the police. Rhys picks up the phone at his desk. RHYS : (to phone) Hello. Yeah, speaking. Yes, I'm aware of the accident. INTERCUT WITH : INT. HUB - WORKSTATIONS - DAY Rhys' voice comes out through the overhead speakers as everyone listens to the phone call. RHYS : (from phone) It's a firm called Harris & Harris. They came to us about two months back. It's a weekly contract. Ianto writes down a note. TOSHIKO : (filtered) Are they licensed ? RHYS : (to phone) Yeah, of course they're licensed ! TOSHIKO : (to phone) Could you give me their address ? Rhys checks the logs. He looks at Ruth. RHYS : (to Ruth) There's no address down here. Ruth stands up and points. RUTH : There's a pickup point. They said it was hard to find. Ianto hands the folded note up to Jack who looks at it. RHYS : No, sorry, all I've got is a service station on the A470, 15 miles from Cardiff. TOSHIKO : (to phone) Do you have their contact number ? Rhys checks the logs. He looks at Ruth. RHYS : (to phone) No, there's no contact number either. TOSHIKO : Can you tell me where your driver took the meat ? Jack hands the note to Toshiko. RHYS : Yes, he was taking it to Caerwen Abattoir. It's a processing plant, just, uh gen-a gen... general meat suppliers. TOSHIKO : (to phone) What time did the driver leave base ? Rhys checks the logs. RHYS : Uh, signed out at 10 to 1:00. Can I ask, what's this about ? TOSHIKO : (to phone) I can't release that information, sir. Thanks for your cooperation. RHYS : Yeah, but I'm the manager of... The line disconnects. Rhys slams the phone down. RHYS : Brilliant ! He sits down in the chair, frustrated. RUTH : Well, Leighton was the regular. Apart from that first booking, they just went through him. RHYS : Yes, but now, it looks like I'm hiding something, Ruth ! [SCENE_BREAK] INT. HUB - IANTO'S WORK AREA - DAY Ianto is checking the traffic cams. He finds the truck. IANTO : Got him ! Everyone turns around to find Ianto watching the monitors. IANTO : There he is, coming back 40 minutes later. (He stops the monitor.) Let's say it takes 20 minutes to load. We are talking a 10-mile radius. Down in the autopsy area, Owen is studying the slab of meat. OWEN : (shouts) Jack ! JACK : Yeah. Jack and the others head over. OWEN : Scan shows it's definitely alien meat. JACK : (sighs) Where the hell would they get it from ? TOSHIKO : If it's going into the processing plant, that means it's going into pies, burgers, pasties - everything. GWEN : That means people have been eating it for months. Owen runs up the stairs to show them the readings from the monitor projected onto the wall. OWEN : Well, the DNA traces are stable. There are some signs of animal sedative, but no detectable diseases or residues. My guess is, it's good to eat. GWEN : Would you eat it ? Ianto runs up to them. IANTO : Pizza's arrived - presumed it would be a late one. OWEN : (sighs) What'd you get me ? IANTO : Usual...meat feast. OWEN : (deflated) Lovely. Owen stares at the slab of meat on the autopsy table. TIME CUT TO : INT. HUB - WORKSTATIONS CLOSE-UP of the pizza as Owen picks out the pepperoni and other meat. Owen and Toshiko sit with the pizza as Ianto paces with his slice of pizza and shares his findings. IANTO : I've narrowed it down to three potential areas..; only one warehouse is unoccupied. It's just outside Merthyr. OWEN : Makes sense...who knows what goes on there ? JACK : We've got to shut the operation down, neutralize whoever is doing this, and identify the alien meat. Gwen's phone jingles. She checks the text message : "Can I see you ?" JACK : (continues) Tosh, you can coordinate. GWEN : I have to slip home and check on Rhys first. JACK : Good idea. Find out how much he knows. GWEN : That's not what I meant. Gwen turns and heads out. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. GWEN'S PLACE - DAY Rhys sits at the kitchen counter with his phone in his hand. He turns the phone off and puts it down. He's deep in thought. Gwen smiles at him from the entryway. GWEN : Hiya ! I got your message. You all right ? RHYS : (sighs) Uhh. Bit of a tough day. Had an accident at work... uh ... one of our lorries crashed. GWEN : Oh. Anyone hurt ? RHYS : Leighton, one of my drivers, died. GWEN : Oh, no ! RHYS : He was only 24. GWEN : Were you close ? RHYS : For God's sake, Gwen, you met him. Small, dark hair, played five-a-side with me. GWEN : Sorry, I can't, I can't place him. RHYS : Well, then I hear that the, uh... oh, that the, the police have taken the meat out the back of the van. You any idea why ? GWEN : How would I know ? RHYS : You work for them. GWEN : I don't deal in, um... traffic accidents. So... RHYS : Well, they phoned the office and, uh, they asked a load of questions... uh... the thing is, all I do is hire out the lorries, so I... He shrugs. GWEN : Then there's nothing for you to worry about, is there ? RHYS : Must be something dodgy going on, though. GWEN : Well, if there was, you weren't to know, were you ? RHYS : No, of course not. GWEN : No. There's an awkward pause between them. GWEN : I wish I didn't have to go back to work now. RHYS : Hardly worth you coming home. GWEN : Yes, it was. (Smiling, she slides over to him.) To see you. (He chuckles.) I'm sorry. (She kisses him.) I'll see you later. She looks at him. GWEN : Go and have a pint. Call Daf. RHYS : Hmm. Yeah. Yeah, maybe I will. She kisses his forehead and heads out. After a moment, Rhys picks up his phone, grabs his keys off the table and heads out after her. [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. MILLENNIUM CENTRE - DAY Gwen is headed across the plaza. INTERCUT WITH : INT. RHYS' CAR (PARKED) - DAY Rhys sits in his car watching her. Gwen is headed toward the water tower. As Rhys watches, Jack steps off the concrete brick, suddenly appearing out of nowhere. Gwen heads right up to him. Rhys is spooked and is much too far away to hear their conversation. GWEN : (to Jack) Like I thought... he has no idea what's going on. Jack holds his arm out. JACK : Would you care to accompany me to the slaughterhouse ? Jack waits a beat. Gwen takes his arm. As Rhys watches them, Gwen and Jack start walking again, this time away from the water tower. GWEN : Have you ever eaten alien meat ? JACK : Yeah. GWEN : What was it like ? JACK : (watches her) Well, he seemed to enjoy it. Wait for it... Gwen's eyes grow wide as it sinks in. Gwen and Jack both smile. She giggles as they head off. GWEN : (muffled) You're rough. Rhys can't believe what he's seeing. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. RHYS' CAR (TRAVELING) - DAY Rhys is driving and tailing Jack and Gwen in the Torchwood SUV ahead of him. The Torchwood SUV takes a turn - Rhys takes a turn. [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. ROAD TO SLAUGHTERHOUSE - DAY The Torchwood SUV travels along an access road. JACK : (v.o., radio filtered) Ianto, Owen, we're just on our way in. How are things looking at the slaughterhouse ? Are you in position ? IANTO: (v.o., radio filtered) Yeah, it's all quiet here. There's a deserted access road to the side, where you won't get noticed. I'll direct you in. Rhys' white car travels along the same access road. INT. JACK'S SUV - DAY JACK : Ianto, nearly there. EXT. SLAUGHTERHOUSE / WAREHOUSE SIDE ROAD - DAY The Torchwood SUV appears at the site. EXT. SLAUGHTERHOUSE / WAREHOUSE - DAY Ianto and Owen are walking along the side of the warehouse. IANTO : (to radio) Take the second turning. EXT. SLAUGHTERHOUSE / WAREHOUSE SIDE ROAD - DAY IANTO : (filtered) Park on the left. No one will see the car there. Jack takes the second turn. After a moment, Rhys' white car appears after the turn following Jack's path, except the Torchwood SUV is out of sight. Rhys is driving. He takes the first turn instead of the second. EXT. WAREHOUSE - DAY Owen checks yet another door. It's locked. He and Ianto continue to walk around the warehouse building. IANTO : (to radio) There's a main entrance at the front. It's the only one open. The rest are padlocked and alarmed. EXT. WAREHOUSE SIDE - DAY The Torchwood SUV goes over a speed bump and slows. INT. RHYS' CAR - DAY Rhys stops the car just outside the front gate to the warehouse. He looks out and sees Ianto and Owen. They turn the corner and walk out of his view. INT. JACK'S SUV - DAY Jack ad Gwen sit in the parked SUV. JACK : (to radio) How many are in there ? OWEN : (from radio) Difficult to tell. Owen and Ianto continue to walk around the building, checking the warehouse doors. OWEN : There's no windows. INTERCUT WITH : INT. HUB - WORKSTATIONS - DAY Toshiko is at her computers. TOSHIKO : I've got blueprints of the warehouse. The stock has to be in the central area. Having fun ? Owen and Ianto continue to walk around the building. IANTO : (drolly) Don't know what you're missing. OWEN : (to radio) According to the sensor, there's a heat signature across the entire building. GWEN : (quietly) That's a lot of meat. INT. RHYS' CAR (PARKED) - DAY Rhys twiddles his fingers against the steering wheel impatiently. He takes his phone out and dials. INT. TORCHWOOD SUV (PARKED) - DAY Gwen's phone rings. She checks it. It's Rhys. Rhys 07704195740 calling. She doesn't answer it and turns it off. INT. RHYS' CAR (PARKED) - DAY RHYS : Oh, answer the phone, Gwen ! He turns the phone off and puts it back in his pocket. EXT. WAREHOUSE - DAY Owen and Ianto continue around the warehouse. JACK : (from radio) You two take the sides. Gwen and I will go in the front. We don't want any casualties. We stun-gun whoever's in there and put a stop to what they're doing. INTERCUT WITH : EXT. FRONT - DAY Rhys gets out of his car and engages the car alarm. He starts toward the building. Jack and Gwen are in the car. JACK : Let's go. Jack and Gwen get out of the SUV. They start for the front of the building. Rhys takes his phone out and dials again. His phone beeps. Jack sees someone. JACK : There's someone there. It's Rhys. GWEN : It's Rhys. It's R... What's he doing ? Ianto and Owen approach another door. IANTO : Did you bring the alarm deactivator ? Owen takes out his gun with silencer and shoots the lock off. IANTO : Well, that's one way of doing it. A white sports car approaches the warehouse. Rhys presses some buttons on his phone and pockets it. The white car stops in front of Rhys. Jack and Gwen are too far away to hear anything said. Rhys walks over to the men in the car. JACK : He must be in on it. Gwen is too shocked. The two men get out of the car. DALE : Don't bother running, mate. Gwen shakes her head. She can't wrap her mind around Rhys being involved. GWEN : Never, no. One of the men speaks into a hand-held radio. DALE : (to radio) Greg. We've got a bit of a problem, bruv. Jack and Gwen watch. JACK : How else do you explain that ? INT. WAREHOUSE - DAY The door bursts opens. Owen and Ianto step into the doorway with their guns out. JACK : Ianto, Owen. Stand down. Repeat: stand down. Ianto looks at Owen. Owen nods. They back out of the warehouse. Owen closes the door shut. EXT. WAREHOUSE - DAY Jack and Gwen watch Rhys with the two men. GWEN : He told me he didn't know what was going on. He wouldn't lie to me. JACK : He also said he didn't know here they were based, but he did. GWEN : There's something wrong. There has to be. Gwen starts to run out. Jack reaches for her. JACK : Gwen ! No ! He grabs her and pushes her back up against the warehouse wall. He holds her wrists, pinning her there. JACK : (firmly) No. Dale motions to Rhys. DALE : Come with me. Rhys follows Dale. They head toward the warehouse. Jack keeps Gwen pinned to the warehouse wall. GWEN : I just have to get him out ! JACK : What ? By charging in there ? What then ? You going to knock him out ? INT. WAREHOUSE - CORRIDOR - DAY Rhys walks through the dark corridor with Dale and the other man behind him. The overhead lights flicker. Greg steps out of a room and closes the door behind him. Rhys turns to Dale. RHYS : Look, lads, I don't mean any harm, honestly. Greg motions for them to continue. Dale forces Rhys to continue down the hallway with them. EXT. WAREHOUSE - DAY JACK : You can't just go in there ! (Gwen calms down.) You have to do as I say. Jack lets Gwen go. JACK : We wait until he comes out. Jack looks toward the front. He glances sideways at Gwen. INT. WAREHOUSE - DAY In the meat packing room, one of the workers is carrying a large block of raw meat. The low wailing sound of a large creature is heard. There are a couple workers in the small area and large chunks of raw meat on the rollers. Greg, Dale, Rhys and the other man enter through one door just as Vic enters through the back door. Vic looks at the workers. VIC : Boys, you should've waited for the ketamine injection before doing that. WORKER : What about the hoses ? VIC : That's only lidocaine. It's not strong enough. DALE : (scoffs to Vic) Well, if you care so much, go and work for the RSPCA. Or don't they pay as good ? GREG : (points to Rhys) Oi ! You ! Through here. Greg enters the office. Rhys starts to follow, but stops as he looks around. DALE : (loudly) Shift ! Rhys is startled and heads into the small back office. The worker they entered with puts on a yellow vest. DALE : (to worker) I want you and one of those with me, now ! Dale heads into the office. The worker picks up a cleaver off the shelf and heads into the office with them. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. WAREHOUSE - BACK OFFICE - DAY - CONTINUOUS Greg and Dale talk with Rhys. The worker in the yellow vest with the cleaver stands in front of the doorway. GREG : Who sent you ? DALE : Come on, now, don't waste our time. RHYS : No one sent me. I, um... I came on my own. I'm looking for the boss. DALE : You're looking at him. GREG : Ignore my little brother. RHYS : I'm, uh..; Rhys digs into his jacket pocket and takes out a business card. He offers the card to Dale. RHYS : I'm from, um, I'm from Harwood's. Harwood's Haulage. (Dale takes the card.) Uh, Leighton... Leighton, your driver..; He, um, well, he, uh, he sort of told me what was going on. DALE : That mouthy git... He was paid to keep quiet. GREG : (motions) Shh ! RHYS : Yeah, well, he's dead. Greg and Dale exchange looks. RHYS : Lorry crashed. DALE : Were the goods inside ? GREG : What happened to the meat ? Did anyone see it ? RHYS : No, no, um... I, uh... I picked it all up and, uh, took it all to be incinerated. Dale gets up and hands the card to Greg. RHYS : You see, um.;; I was hoping maybe I could, uh, pick up from where he left off, boys ? Dale turns and looks at Rhys. DALE : How do we know you won't report us ? RHYS : I'm here, aren't I ? Dale scoffs. Greg stands up. GREG : So what, exactly, did he tell ? Rhys looks at them. RHYS : Uh... everything. You know, that you're, uh... Cleaning up old meat. DALE : Oh, it's a lot bigger than that. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. WAREHOUSE - CORRIDOR - DAY Greg and Dale walk Rhys through a corridor. There's blood on the floors. Greg reaches the door and opens it. Rhys puts his wrist to his mouth and nose as he reacts to the stench. He gags from the smell. INT. WAREHOUSE - MAIN ROOM - DAY The creature wails - a low crying sound. The workers continue to move around. Greg stares dispassionately at the creature. Rhys, Dale and the other worker enter the main room. They close the door behind them. The creature's wails are loud and thunderous. It's cries are similar to those of a whale. RHYS : What's that noise ? Greg turns and looks at Rhys, watching his reaction. Rhys looks stunned by what he sees. We don't see the creature, just hear its sad, painful cries. Rhys steps past the men and closer to the creature. Rhys walks up to a creature he's never seen before. It's huge. He steps up to it. The creature's eye opens and looks at Rhys. It wails and moves. Rhys takes a step back. RHYS : God ! He can't believe what he's seeing. The creature is alive and suffering. RHYS : What is it, boys ? GREG : No idea. The creature moans and wails. CRANE UP on the creature filling the entire length of the warehouse. It's huge and appears shapeless. It's held in place by ropes. GREG : The beauty of it is, it just keeps growing. DALE : No matter how much we cut it. The creature wails. Rhys turns and sees the creature's flesh on the warehouse floor. A bloodied worker kicks the meat scraps with his boot. Vic, the veterinarian, pumps more drugs into the creature. The inhumanity of what he's witnessing hits Rhys. He gags, turns and throws up, vomiting on the floor. Dale chuckles. DALE : You get used to it. [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. WAREHOUSE - DAY Meanwhile, Jack and Gwen are still on the side of the building as they wait for Rhys to come out of the warehouse. After a moment, they see Rhys and Dale shaking hands. They're too far away to hear what they're saying. GWEN : I don't get it. Jack shakes his head as he continues to watch. They appear to let Rhys go. Rhys heads for his car. His car alarm chirps. He waves to Dale as he gets inside. Dale waves back. It's all so friendly. Rhys starts the car engine. Jack looks at Gwen. JACK : Come on. Let's go. Jack turns and heads back to the car. Gwen follows him. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. GWEN'S PLACE - DAY Rhys is home and having a beer. Gwen bursts in. GWEN : (shouts) What were you doing in that warehouse ?! RHYS : (shouts) You lied to me ! You were at that crash ! GWEN : I don't know what you're talking about. What... ? RHYS : Stop pissing me around, Gwen ! You're so used to lying and fobbing me off, like the idiot that I obviously am. GWEN : Those blokes paying you ? Why were you there ? RHYS : No, I'm asking the questions, all right ? I followed you, okay ? Yeah. So that bloke, the tall bloke in the coat, you f*cking him, or what ? She looks at him. GWEN : (quietly) All I ever asked was you trust me. RHYS : What, like you trust me ? It's a two-way street, Gwen ! GWEN : There's stuff you don't understand, Rhys. RHYS : Oh, of course not, I'm just a big, dumb animal, aren't I ? I mean, what's so secret you can't even tell your own fianc , eh ? You know, in fact, why are you marrying me, Gwen, eh ? What am I, just a habit you can't be arsed to break ? GWEN : No. RHYS : Then tell the truth ! GWEN : All right! All right, my job... the special ops thing ? It's a lie, a cover story. RHYS : Thank you ! At last ! God, what's that taken, about a year ? That's one lie down. How many more we got to deal with, eh ? Is there anything in your life that's actually based on truth ? GWEN : Us. RHYS : Us ? Ha ha ha ! Us ? Us is crumbing, Gwen. Us is falling to sh1t ! GWEN : You think I enjoy keeping all this stuff to myself ? RHYS : Then why did you ? GWEN : Because I'm trying to protect you ! Have you ever stopped to think about that ? No ! No, because you prefer to blunder in without thinking or looking. Good old ham-fisted Rhys' heart, his heart is in the right place, but his brain is a million miles f*cking back ! RHYS : Come on, let's have it all, then, shall we ? What, exactly, do I need protecting from ? GWEN : I catch aliens ! RHYS : Piss off ! GWEN : No, you piss off. It's the truth. RHYS : If you're not going to take it seriously... GWEN : This is why I couldn't tell you. Because I hunt down aliens and I scavenge the stuff they leave behind. And then, sometimes I don't believe it myself. RHYS : Gwen, what's got into you ? Have you been brainwashed ? Is that it, yeah ? (Gwen sits down). 'Cause you are talking some high-grade sh1t here ! GWEN : Every word is the truth. Rhys. The things I have seen... (sighs) The times I have wanted to tell you... She shakes her head, exhales the breath she's been holding for the last year... and sits back in the seat as she closes her eyes. RHYS : Aliens ? (points to the window) In Cardiff ? GWEN : Have you never seen something so mad, so... extraordinary, that, just for one second, you think that there might be more out there ? RHYS : Prove it. [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. CARDIFF (STOCK) - DAY Lovely view of the area. INT. HUB - NIGHT Ianto is down at the computers while Jack is a level above. They both look at each other from across the hub. Everyone is quiet. IANTO : Well, this is unprecedented, a fianc finding out. Ianto, Toshiko and Owen are at the lounge area near the workstations. They're having something to drink. TOSHIKO : Mainly because we're all sad and single. Ianto smiles. OWEN : Speak for yourself. I am better off without that kind of hassle. Jack walks along the catwalk toward the greenhouse. From across the room, he watches Ianto. TOSHIKO : Maybe the answer is to go out with someone who knows what you do. OWEN : Look around you, Tosh... only we know what we do. Owen pushes his chair away and back toward the computers. Toshiko picks up her wine glass and remains silent. Ianto turns and sees Jack in the hot house... watching him. Ianto takes a drink. [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. MILLENNIUM CENTRE - WATER TOWER - NIGHT Rhys and Gwen walk quickly across the plaza toward the invisible lift. RHYS : I saw you here earlier. With him, that bloke. He just appeared out of nowhere. GWEN : It's an invisible lift. Gwen steps up onto the concrete block. GWEN : Oh, it's too complicated to explain. Come on, trust me. She holds out her hand. Rhys takes her hand and steps up onto the block next to her. She holds onto his arm and turns him so they're both facing the same direction. GWEN : Ready ? RHYS : Yeah. The concrete block sinks down. INT. HUB - CONTINUOUS Jack walks along the catwalk as the concrete block lowers into the hub. The ceiling trap door closes above them as they continue to sink down into the Torchwood headquarters. Rhys looks up and sees the ceiling trap door close above him. RHYS : Wow ! Gwen and Rhys chuckle. RHYS : Who could've thought this was here ? Rhys looks around, taking it all in. The pterodactyl screeches and soars above his head. Rhys laughs with glee. Gwen laughs with him. RHYS : That looked so real. GWEN : It was real. RHYS : They're extinct, Gwen. Jack walks over to meet them. JACK : In your timeline, yes. Jack shakes Rhys' hand. JACK : Captain Jack Harkness. Thanks for dropping in, Rhys. Gwen steps off the block. GWEN : This is the rest of the team. Owen and Toshiko, Ianto. RHYS : Pleased to meet you. JACK : Welcome to our headquarters. RHYS : They're bigger than mine. Gwen giggles. Jack smiles. He turns to look at the other. Ianto, Toshiko - they don't smile. RHYS : So, Gwen tells me you catch aliens. JACK : That's right. OWEN : There's a rift through space and time that runs through Cardiff, Rhys, and stuff slips through it from other timelines and planets and it's our job to monitor it. Rhys steps off the block and looks at Gwen. RHYS : (mutters to Gwen) You sure they're not some weird kind of cult ? GWEN : You saw that alien in the warehouse. (nudges him) Go on. JACK : What did you see ? RHYS : Uh, it was like this huge, shapeless beast filling the space, like a mound of flesh. TOSHIKO : So it's one massive entity, as opposed to several organisms ? Gwen nods. OWEN : The latest tests reveal high levels of chloride, so it probably lives in the water. I reckon it came through the rift into the sea, and it's beached itself. JACK : Like a giant alien manatee. Owen nods. IANTO : But how did they get it there ? That warehouse must be fifty meters long. RHYS : Um... maybe it was smaller when they found it, because they said it's growing. JACK : (surprised) It's not dead ? RHYS : No, it's breathing. Its eye opened. OWEN : So the protein chains are regenerating despite the mutilation, so not only is it replenishing its own flesh, but it's increasing it, giving them a brand-new meat supply. GWEN : It would last them for years, then. TOSHIKO : If we understood how it worked, we could feed the world. IANTO : We could release a single... JACK : (interrupts) We're talking about dodgy pies and Merthyr, okay ? And the fact that they're cutting it up alive - (to Rhys) Which we could've put a stop to already, if it wasn't for you. RHYS : I thought my fianc e was in danger. JACK : Well, Mr. Caveman, she wasn't. She can handle herself. Gwen motions to Jack behind Rhys' back. GWEN : (warns) Jack. Jack ignores her. JACK : All you did tonight was mess things up. Now, we have to think of a way to get back in. And thanks to you, they'll have tightened security ! RHYS : Well, if you stopped and asked me exactly what I saw in there, instead of showing off round the place. JACK : (to Ianto) Do I show off ? IANTO : Just a bit. RHYS : (charged) You'd know that I got out by telling them I wanted a job as a delivery boy. So rather than cock things up, I found you a way to get in ! (gets in Jack's face) But if you can't handle that, big boy, then you can stuff it ! JACK : (to Gwen) This is quite homoerotic. GWEN : No, no, no, no, Jack. He is not getting us in. JACK : (to Gwen) Team meeting. (to Rhys) You too ! Jack turns and leaves. Rhys doesn't know what that means. Ianto follows. Gwen starts after them. GWEN : Jack ! Toshiko and Owen file quietly past Rhys. After a moment, Rhys follows them, too. TIME CUT TO : INT. HUB - CONFERENCE ROOM - NIGHT The blueprints of the warehouse are spread out on the conference table. Rhys is standing as he points to the various places on it. RHYS : That's where the thing is, that's the sedatives room, that's where they hang and pack all the meat. OWEN : That's good to know. Gwen paces on the other end of the room. Everyone else is seated at the table. GWEN : Yes, that's good to know, but he is not driving us in. RHYS : They're expecting me. You lot can hide in the back of the van. GWEN : What is this, "Scooby-Doo" ? Absolutely no way is he getting involved. RHYS : Oh, where was I when you decided to get involved ? Did you give me a second thought ? Rhys and Gwen glare at each other across the table. OWEN : (mutters) Oh, joy, a domestic. JACK : Rhys is right, he's our best way in...stun guns only. OWEN : We've handled bigger than this. Why don't we just storm in, guns in the air and arrest them ? JACK : Those men aren't organized criminals. If we go in, guns blazing, they'll kill the evidence and run. OWEN : I wasn't suggesting blazing, just waving. JACK : The last thing we need is a bloodbath. Jack stands up. OWEN : Point taken. GWEN : I know that. JACK : Once Rhys has loaded up, he can clear. (to Gwen) You don't have to come. You can stand down. TOSHIKO : It might be better. Jack looks at Gwen and points to Rhys. JACK : You love him. Makes you vulnerable. GWEN : He's not going in there without me. JACK : That's your decision. GWEN : Yes, it is. JACK : You both have to live by it. Everyone is quiet, serious. RHYS: (to Gwen) Oh, come on ! You and me, a team. GWEN : (roars) Dammit, Rhys ! This is for real. Do you understand that ? This is for real. And if you mess up, I will kill you ! Rhys sits down. Toshiko stands up. TOSHIKO : So, after we've stun-gunned the workers, we put the creature out of its misery. JACK : No. We're going to save it. Ianto and Owen look at each other, both surprised by Jack's position. JACK : Stabilize it, wait for the rift to open, and phoom, send it back. IANTO : Guess who'll have to look after it in the meantime. TOSHIKO : Tell me exactly how are we going to use it to arm ourselves against the future ? Toshiko sits down. OWEN : We could always hide behind it. JACK : Why shouldn't we save it ? Because it's an alien ? It needs our protection. RHYS : You didn't hear its cry. Heartbreaking. IANTO : Listen to Ahab. OWEN : Jack, it's growing. JACK : Well, we'll find a way to stop it mutating. (Jack plants his hands on the table as he stands up.) We are doing this ! That's an order ! OWEN : Fine. IANTO : I'll stock up on plankton. Ianto, Owen and Toshiko leave the room. Gwen remains. GWEN : So you do have a heart. Rhys stops and looks at them. Jack turns and looks at Rhys. JACK : We see enough death. Jack leaves the room. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. HUB - LAB / HOT HOUSE Owen stands in front of the computer monitors, looking at the image of a large creature. Toshiko walks up to him carrying a plate with a sandwich on it. TOSHIKO : What's that ? OWEN : Oh, it's just an idea of what it looks like. Had it made up from the genetic makeup. TOSHIKO : Looks lovely. OWEN : Hm. His back is to her. Toshiko reaches out to touch his back, but her hand never makes contact. TOSHIKO : You're just a big softy, really, aren't you ? Owen turns to another shelf. OWEN : Better get on with that report. He grabs the clipboard. TOSHIKO : I brought you some sandwiches. OWEN : Thanks, Tosh. TOSHIKO : It's okay, just cheese and pickle. (He nods and keeps writing.) I can keep you company. I'm not tired. OWEN : In that case, maybe you can do it. I'm knackered. He drops the clipboard and pen on the table and walks away leaving Toshiko stunned. Owen kneels and looks through the plant leaves over at the lounge are where Gwen and Rhys sit on the couch together. OWEN : (points) That's another big lump out of its habitat. Toshiko puts the plate of sandwiches down on the table. She watches Gwen and Rhys, too. TOSHIKO : Makes you realize. Maybe it is possible to do this job and have a relationship. OWEN : (scoffs) Yeah. He closes his kit. TOSHIKO : Do you fancy a game of pool sometime ? We're always in here, slaving away. Might be nice to, I don't know, kick back and have some fun. OWEN : Yeah, why not ? TOSHIKO : (smiles eagerly) When ? OWEN : Well, I'll check with the others. We could have a Torchwood tournament. It'd be fun. Owen picks up his kit and grabs the plate of sandwiches. Toshiko looks deflated. OWEN : Thanks for the sandwiches, Tosh. Owen leaves. INT. HUB - LOUNGE/WORKSTATIONS - CONTINUOUS Owen comes down the stairs with his kit and plate of sandwiches. Gwen and Rhys sit on the couch. RHYS : I thought you worked for anti-terrorism or something. That was bad enough. But knowing you're in this much danger/ GWEN : Yeah, you'd feel like I do now. Owen hurries past them. She waits till he leaves. GWEN : Worried sick. You don't have to do this to prove anything to me. Owen puts his things away and walks past them again. RHYS : And I'm not leaving you with all these sexy young men. GWEN : There's only one, from where I'm sitting. They kiss. Jack is in the office, standing under the light and reading a book. He turns and sees Gwen and Rhys kissing. Gwen opens her eyes and looks at Jack as she kisses Rhys. Jack turns away. [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. HARWOOD'S HAULAGE (PARKING LOT) - DAY The white Harwood's Haulage truck is parked and ready. The sign info on the truck is TEL: 02920 180316 FAX: 02920 180317. The Torchwood SUV parks. Jack and Rhys get out and head for the office. JACK : You sure about this ? RHYS : Yeah. JACK : 'Cause once they ring, there's no turning back. The Torchwood SUV pulls out and drives away. Rhys and Jack head into the building. INT. HARWOOD'S HAULAGE - OFFICE - DAY Rhys and Jack walk in. RHYS : Morning ! RUTH : You just missed the advert. Rhys grabs the clipboard off the wall. RHYS : Yeah ? Just popped in for my jacket and to sign for a van. Ruth walks past Jack and heads toward Rhys. She's carrying a cup of tea and a danish. RUTH : Here's your tea, and I got you a Danish, your favorite. She puts them both down on his desk. JACK : I'm in the wrong job. RUTH : We have got job vacancies. JACK : Oh, maybe you could fit me in. RUTH : Oh, I'd be delighted to. JACK : Would I need a license for trucking ? RUTH : Yes. Takes four weeks, and then you can go long-distance. Jack chuckles and leans in close to whisper in Ruth's ear. JACK : That wouldn't be a problem. The phone rings. Ruth's eyes grow wide and she turns pink. She turns and looks at Jack just as he turns and looks at her. Rhys checks his phone. RHYS : It's them. Jack turns his attention to Rhys and the ringing phone. Rhys sits down. JACK : Okay. Rhys answers the phone. RHYS : (to phone) Yeah, hello ? [SCENE_BREAK] INT. HARWOOD'S VAN (TRAVELING) - DAY Rhys is driving and eating his danish. Jack rides shotgun. RHYS : Why her ? Boy, of all the women you could've chosen. JACK : She chose us. Kind of stumbled upon us. RHYS : So did I. Don't be asking me to join. JACK : We needed someone with police skills. RHYS : Could've chosen anyone. Did you ever think about us ? You know... me, her parents, people who love her, who want her safe ? JACK : No, sorry. We needed her. On her first day of work, she told me off for being too clinical. RHYS : She doesn't hold back, mate. JACK : Mnh-mnh, stubborn as hell. RHYS : Tell me about it. Yeah, she's an amazing girl. I'm a lucky man, Jack. JACK : Yeah, you said it. RHYS : I just wish you would've been uglier. They look at each other. Rhys laughs. Jack smiles. RHYS : You're not gay, by any chance, are you ? [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. BUILDING LOADING ZONE - DAY Owen motions for Rhys to back up the van. The van beeps. Rhys parks. Gwen walks up to Rhys' open window. GWEN : Brought you a danish, your favorite. I know what you're like on an empty stomach. She gives him the danish. Rhys and Jack look at each other. Rhys puts it aside. RHYS : Cheers. Gwen heads for the back of the van. Jack and Rhys get out of the van. Gwen talks with Rhys. GWEN : Get out as soon as you can, remember ? RHYS : Yes, yes, yeah. Everyone is there as Rhys opens the back. Owen climbs in. He turns and helps Toshiko into the van. Ianto gets into the van. GWEN : (to Rhys) I love you. RHYS : I love you, too. She kisses him. RHYS : Now, stop fussing and get in the back of the van. Go on. Gwen climbs into the back of the van. Jack looks at Rhys, then climbs in last. Rhys closes and locks the van door. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. HARWOOD'S VAN - FRONT SEAT - DAY Rhys takes a deep breath and exhales it slowly. He starts the engine. INTERCUT WITH : In the back of the van, Ianto turns a flashlight on and hands it to Toshiko. In the front, Rhys drives. In the back of the van, Gwen waits. Ianto hands Toshiko a gun. She puts the flashlight down and checks the clip. In the front, Rhys drives. He has his clipboard and paperwork on the seat next to him. He drives up to the gate. Rhys shows the worker his clipboard and ID. The worker opens the gate and motions Rhys through. In the back of the van, Owen opens his kit. OWEN : I'll prepare an antidote to the ketamine so we can start weaning it off. JACK : Gwen, Tosh, and I will take the main area. Owen, Ianto, cover the corridors and the small rooms. Gwen is quiet. JACK : You okay ? GWEN : What do you think ? OWEN : He'll be fine. He's a good bloke. JACK : Let's go. EXT. WAREHOUSE - LOADING AREA - DAY Rhys arrives with the lorry. The worker opens the passenger side door. Rhys shows him the clipboard. RHYS : Yeah, I just need your boss to sign this, mate. I don't want any questions asked, see ? The worker leaves to get the boss. Rhys whistles. The other worker there puts the bag he's carrying down on the cart and rushes over to Rhys. RHYS : Couldn't get us a cuppa tea, could you ? WORKER : Yes. The worker leaves. Rhys unbuckles his seatbelt and gets out of the truck. He rushes to the back. He opens the door and finds it empty. He looks around, then closes the door. He sees the van's side door open. Rhys locks the side door closed. GREG : (o.s.) Where do you want my autograph ? Rhys turns and sees that the worker returned with Greg and Dale. RHYS : Uh ! He turns to get his clipboard. RHYS : Just on here, mate. Greg gives him some money. GREG : Here's a one-r for your trouble. (Dale turns and motions for the worker to load the back of the truck.) Count it if you like. Greg signs the clipboard. Rhys pockets the money. He sees the other worker return. RHYS : No, no, it's fine, mate. I trust you. Greg gives the clipboard back to Rhys. DALE : When you get tot he abattoir, ask for Graham. Him and the boys clean it up and process it. RHYS : All right. The worker pushes the cart to the back of the truck to load it. Rhys turns and puts the clipboard in the truck. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. WAREHOUSE - PACKING ROOM - DAY Owen and Ianto enter the packing room where huge chunks of meat are hanging. Ianto dabs his wrist to his nose from the smell. He looks at Owen. IANTO : Mmm. They continue through the room. Ianto heads for the door at the other side of the room. INT. WAREHOUSE - MAIN ROOM - DAY Jack, Gwen and Toshiko enter into the main room. The creature lows. They walk in. GWEN : Oh, my God. Jack stops. GWEN : It's amazing. TOSHIKO : How did it get here ? CRANE UP and pull back on the massive creature. Jack hears something. JACK : Shh shh shh shh shh ! Jack turns his flashlight off and spreads his arms out wide to stop Gwen and Toshiko from moving forward. A distance away, a worker pushing a red tank on wheels. He passes by and doesn't notice them. Jack quickly ducks behind a container. Gwen and Toshiko also duck to the side. Jack motions to Gwen. He hurries off. Gwen takes his former position behind the container. She waits. The creature moans. The worker hacks away inside a hole in the side of the creature. With every chop of the larger meat cleaver, the creature wails. The worker reaches in and move some flesh. More hacking away at the meat. Gwen closes her eyes from the sight. After a moment, the worker carts a large block of meat in a wheelbarrow. He's headed toward Gwen. Jack suddenly steps out behind him and zaps him with his stun gun. The man falls, his hard hat hits the floor. Jack drags his body away behind the container. Gwen and Toshiko both turn their flashlights back on. Jack steps back out and they all look at the creature. JACK : Imprisoned, chained, and drugged. Welcome to planet earth. The creature's eye opens. It keens a different sound, as if responding to Jack. Toshiko smiles. TOSHIKO : It heard you. It's sentient. Gwen looks at Jack. She's going to look around. Jack nods. Gwen starts down the side along the creature. She motions to Jack. GWEN : Jack. Jack heads over. She comes to the area where the workers have been cutting into the creature. She coughs. GWEN : Oh, that's disgusting. Jack can't believe what he's seeing. He looks absolutely horrified as he steps into the area cut into the creature. JACK : What have they done to you ? He puts his hand on the exposed flesh. JACK : What have they done to you, my poor friend ? Jack looks at the massive creature as it keens. PAN BACK over the large creature. It growls and tries to move, but the chains keep it firmly in place. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. WAREHOUSE - PACKING ROOM - CONTINUOUS Owen looks through one of the side doors. He hears a sound and steps back out of view. He pulls the door partially closed to hide. A worker walks in and passes Owen. Owen steps out, grabs the worker and slams him up against the shelves. Owen pushes him down onto the packing rack and zaps him with the stun gun. He takes the worker's gun from him. OWEN : (to radio) Everyone, they're armed. INT. WAREHOUSE - MAIN ROOM - CONTINUOUS Gwen looks worried. GWEN : Rhys. JACK : (firmly) Gwen. Stay here. INT. WAREHOUSE - STAIRS - CONTINUOUS Ianto hurries down the stairs. He opens the door at the bottom. EXT. WAREHOUSE - LOADING AREA - DAY Vic rides in on his yellow bicycle and joins Greg and Dale with Rhys as they wait for the truck to be loaded. Rhys lingers with his cup of something to drink. DALE : Where have you been ? That injection was due ten minutes ago. VIC : I needed more ketamine. I've had to up the dose, Dale. The thing's in agony, man. DALE : It's meat. It can't feel anything. You going soft, or what ? Get inside and play nurse if you're so bothered. We got work to do. VIC : Right. Vic heads inside. Greg checks the bags in the back of the truck. GREG : Oh, whoa whoa whoa whoa, hang on. (points to the back of the van.) There's only twelve bags in here. Supposed to have three more. Come on, hurry up ! He motions to the workers to get the bags. Dale shakes his head and continues drinking his coffee. Rhys sighs and looks at his watch. INT. WAREHOUSE - SEDATIVES ROOM - DAY Owen is in the sedatives room looking at the various containers on the shelves. INT. WAREHOUSE - HALLWAY NEAR DOOR - DAY Ianto is walking and looking around. The door opens. A worker walks in and closes the door behind him. He looks surprised to see Ianto. Ianto looks surprised to see him. He waves. IANTO : Hello! I, uh, have a thing here somewhere. Ianto reaches into his jacket and pulls out his stun gun. IANTO : (cheerfully) Hell of a day. He zaps the worker who falls into his arms. EXT. WAREHOUSE - DAY Rhys heads for his truck. RHYS : I should be getting off, mate. I have a... Rhys opens the truck door. RHYS : I've got jobs backing up, you see ? He gets inside. DALE : Well, they'll have to wait, won't they ? Rhys shuts the door. INT. WAREHOUSE - HALLWAY NEAR DOOR - DAY Ianto is dragging the worker through the hallway and doesn't see a second worker looking through the door window. WORKER : (to radio) Dale, we've got trouble. There's people in the building. The worker turns and walks away. Ianto pulls the body and drops it at the base of the stairs. He dusts his hands. EXT. WAREHOUSE - DAY Dale reaches in through the open window and smashes the gun against Rhys' face. DALE : You want to mess with me ? RHYS : Ahh ! INT. WAREHOUSE - MAIN ROOM GWEN : (to radio) Ianto, did Rhys get away ? INT. WAREHOUSE - STAIRS IANTO : (to radio) I'll check now. Ianto closes the door. INT. WAREHOUSE - SEDATIVES ROOM - DAY Owen is busy mixing various potions into a large container. He runs to the far counter. INT. WAREHOUSE - PACKING ROOM - DAY Dale and Greg walk in through the front with Rhys in tow. Ianto walks in through the back of the room. He's stopped by Dale holding the gun pointed at him. He sees Rhys with his mouth bleeding. DALE : Eh eh eh eh ! You looking for someone ? (steps forward) How many more of you ?! Ianto plays it cool. IANTO : Just us. DALE : You thought the two of you could take us out ? Nah. You're not that stupid. He checks Ianto and finds the stun gun. DALE : Dave, get some ropes, tie their hands. Dave leaves to get the rope. DALE : I want every door locked, inside and out. Owen is hiding behind the shelves in the sedatives room. He ducks out of sight. DALE : Nobody leaves the building till this is sorted. (He grabs Ianto.) Move it ! OWEN : (quietly) They've got Rhys and Ianto. INT. WAREHOUSE - MAIN ROOM - CONTINUOUS Gwen starts running. Jack grabs her. JACK : Gwen ! Gwen ! Hey ! He will be okay. INT. WAREHOUSE - HALLWAY QUICK CUTS OF : Greg and Dale bolt all the doors to the main room. INT. WAREHOUSE - MAIN ROOM Toshiko and Jack try to open the door and find it locked. JACK : Locked. TOSHIKO : They must know we're here. GWEN : Check this way. Gwen turns and heads back to the main room. The creature moans throughout. She sees Ianto and the others enter through the far door and she quickly ducks behind a container. Jack and Toshiko also duck behind the containers. Gwen looks back at Jack and motions. He nods. Ianto looks at the huge creature. A worker has his gun on Ianto. IANTO : What is it ? Dale has his gun to the back of Rhys' neck. DALE : The lads call it the cash cow. Vic runs out. VIC : Dale, what are you doing ? DALE : Couldn't bear to see us making money, Vic. Fancy some for yourselves, huh ? Thought we'd be a pushover. Gwen looks at Jack. She points to herself and mouths something to Jack. He doesn't like it and mouths back, "No". RHYS : Mate, you're so out of your depth. DALE : Funny, I was just thinking the same about you. VIC : Dale ! Don't be an idiot. DALE : (shouts) Show yourselves or I shoot the delivery boy ! Gwen steps out into view. Jack can't stop her. GWEN : (shouts) Okay ! Rhys doesn't like it. GWEN : There's no need to make any threats. Ianto can't believe he's seeing this. DALE : "Just the two of you," is it ? Gun down, kick it over here. She steps forward. GWEN : I don't have a gun. DALE : He had one, so you must have ! Gwen pulls her gun out from her back and holds it up. GWEN : Okay ! Okay. Okay. She puts the gun on the ground. DALE : Any more of you ? And before you answer, have a proper think. 'Cause if you lie... (He points the gun at Gwen.) I will shoot you. Ianto and Rhys look at Gwen. Rhys shakes his head. GWEN : It's just me. DALE : Get against the drum. Gwen starts forward. GWEN : We can help you, Dale. DALE : Yeah. Help yourselves, more like. (He pushes Rhys toward Gwen.) Come on. Stand next to her. (to Ianto) You too ! Ianto walks slowly toward Rhys and Gwen. GREG : (shouts) Dale, two more ! Greg is up on the second floor catwalk. Gwen grabs Rhys and pushes him behind her. GREG : Far corner, they can't get out, it's locked. Dale grabs Ianto and pulls him back with his gun pointed at Ianto's neck. DALE : Kick out your weapons ! Stand where I can see you ! Jack is pissed. He has no choice. He steps out with his gun and hands up in the air. Toshiko follows. DALE : Drop your weapons. Jack tosses his gun aside. Toshiko puts her gun down on the ground and slides it toward them. Jack starts forward. JACK : You know what you've got here, Dale ? DALE : Shut up, now ! JACK : It's an alien, a creature from another galaxy. It came through a rift in time and space, and it was unlucky enough to find you. VIC : (freaks) No, no way. TOSHIKO : Do you really think it originated on this planet ? You ever seen anything like it before ? VIC : It can't be. Can it ? JACK : Look at it. The creature wails. It's eye open. JACK : Look at it. The more they look at the creature, the more they freak. VIC : Oh, sh1t ! DALE : It's just meat, that's all. While everyone is distracted, Ianto works on the ropes tied around his wrists. JACK : You're carving up a sentient creature ! And you've got to stop. DALE : And then what have I got ? I'm making money. This is my business. Vic grabs his hair, the sounds of the creature's tortured cries getting to him. DALE : For the first time n my life, I've actually got something for myself. GWEN : Dale, stop. You can still walk away from this. Ianto's hands are nearly freed. A long pause as Dale thinks about it. DALE : No. The creature cries. DALE : You lied to me. Dale points his gun at Gwen. Rhys steps out in front of Gwen. RHYS : No ! Dale fires and hits Rhys. RHYS : Ahh ! The empty bullet casing clinks to the floor. Ianto grabs Dale's wrist and wrestles him for the gun. JACK : No ! The gun fires a several times. The chains around a portion of the creature break free. Vic and Dave both run out of the main room. Ianto and Dale continue to struggle for the gun. It goes off again. Rhys grunts from the wound and slides down to the ground. Jack gets the gun and aims to shoot Dale, but Dale is on the other side of Ianto as he punches him in the back several times. Jack can't get in a shot. He puts the gun down. CLOSE : WIRES ATTACHED TO WALL Ianto knocks Dale to the ground. The creature rolls to the side, knocking over barrels, boxes and other stacked items. Toshiko and Jack are trapped and unable to help Ianto, the creature blocks their exit. The wires attached to the wall fray and come loose. Ianto is straddled over Dale. He punches Dale. Another wire comes loose. Jack grabs Toshiko and pulls her out just as the frayed wire whips back toward her. Dale punches Ianto and knocks him off to the side. He grabs the gun and gets up quickly, pointing the gun down at Ianto. DALE : Die ! Dale fires and the gun clicks, empty. DALE : sh1t ! Dale backs away and runs. Ianto is on the ground. He groans. JACK : (shouts) Ianto, go ! After them ! Ianto gets to his feet. JACK : (to comm) Owen ! Rhys has been shot ! (Ianto looks at the creature.) The creature's coming loose. We need that sedative, now ! Gwen cradles Rhys in her arms. GWEN : Open your eyes. Come on, you can do this. Open your eyes for me, now. INT. WAREHOUSE - SEDATIVES ROOM - CONTINUOUS Owen scrambles to get the things together. OWEN : Yeah, I'm on it. I'm on it. INT. WAREHOUSE - MAIN ROOM - CONTINUOUS The frayed wire comes loose completely. Jack looks up at the creature and holds out his hand toward Toshiko. She grabs him, her eyes on the creature. JACK : Owen, we need you ! We're trapped. The creature's breaking free. If we try and get past, we'll be crushed. Another frayed wire comes loose completely. INT. WAREHOUSE - SEDATIVES ROOM - CONTINUOUS As Owen works, Vic walks in and nearly bumps into Owen. VIC : Whoa ! Owen turns and slams Vic up against the door. VIC : It wasn't me ! I never wanted to be a part of this. Sedative won't work now. If it's got loose, you're never going to stop it. Ianto reaches into the room, presses the stun gun muzzle against the back of Vic's neck and zaps him. Vic falls to the ground. Ianto steps into the room. IANTO : (panting) We gotta help them. It's out of control. Owen looks at the chemicals on the shelves and thinks. OWEN : Change of plan. Owen grabs a container and a huge pump-syringe. OWEN : Okay. He turns and heads out the door. INT. WAREHOUSE - BACK OFFICE - DAY Dale is emptying the safe, dumping the cash into a duffle bag. GREG : You went and shot him, bruv ! Dale zips up the bag. GREG : Come on ! Dale slides the duffle bag to Greg who picks it up. GREG : Fill the other one ! Dale turns to stuff another duffle bag with more cash from the safe. Greg carries the full duffle bag and heads for the door. DALE : I'm going as fast as I can. Greg reaches the door. Ianto kicks the door in, knocking Greg to the wall. Greg drops the duffle bag and staggers backward. Ianto walks in and zaps Greg with the stun gun. GREG : Whoa ! He falls to the ground with a thud. Dale turns and reaches for the gun on the desk. Ianto kicks the gun out of his hand and knocks Dale back to the floor. Ianto looms over him. IANTO : Pray they survive. Ianto presses the muzzle of the stun gun against Dale's forehead and zaps him. Dale's eyes roll to the back of his head and he hits the floor with a thud. Ianto turns and heads out. INT. WAREHOUSE - MAIN ROOM - CONTINUOUS Owen runs out with the container and pump-like syringe. He stops when he sees the massive creature. OWEN : Bloody hell ! The creature looks like a huge whale with elephant-like gray skin. It's out of its binds and brays loudly. Jack and Toshiko are still trapped on the other side of the creature. Owen sticks the pump into the container and fills it. He makes his way cautiously toward the creature. OWEN : I'm sorry. He stabs the pump into the creature and injects it. The creature rears up and slams back down. GWEN : He's okay. JACK : Owen, you're making it worse ! The creature growls loudly. Owen goes back to the container and refills the pump. He makes his way to the creature and injects it. The creature growls, then appears to calm down. Jack makes his way around the container toward Gwen and Rhys. GWEN : (to Rhys) Open your eyes ! Jack looks at the creature. GWEN : (to Rhys) You can do it. Come on. Owen looks at the creature. OWEN : Looks like it's working. He backs away. The creature wails pitifully. OWEN : Yeah, it's working. JACK : What did you do ? OWEN : Mercy killing. Owen kicks the air in frustration. Jack looks sadly at the creature. This is not what he wanted. He walks toward it. GWEN : (o.s.) Rhys, Rhys, Rhys, listen to me. Rhys. Gwen cradles Rhys in her arms. Behind them, Jack walks up to the creature and puts his hand out to touch it. Toshiko watches him. GWEN : That's it. You're with me, okay ? I've got you tight. Keep your eyes nice and open. Jack closes his eyes with grief. The creature's cries are weak. JACK : Oh. Gwen looks up as Owen arrives. OWEN : (o.s.) Gwen, let me look at him. Owen takes out a clothe and puts it over Rhys' wound. OWEN : Okay. The creature cries. Gwen helps Owen. OWEN : Soft, soft, soft. Be careful. I'm going to rip this. You want to keep the pressure on, okay ? (He rips Rhys' shirt). Okay. Toshiko turns and looks at Jack. Jack looks at the creature. The creature's cries grow quieter. Owen stands up and looks at the creature, knowing it's going to die. He spreads his arms out with his hands extended toward the creature. He puts his head down and closes his eyes. OWEN : (whispers) I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. Toshiko walks over to Owen. She puts her hand on his shoulder. He clasps her hand with his and holds on tight. PULL BACK on Jack has his palm flat on the creature. Toshiko and Owen are nearby. The creature stops wailing and is quiet. Its eye closes and it stops moving. [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. CARDIFF BAY AREA (STOCK) DAY Lovely view of the area. INT. HUB - AUTOPSY / MEDICAL AREA - DAY Rhys is on the table as Owen checks his bandage. Gwen is on the other side of Rhys. Rhys moves. Owen looks at Gwen. OWEN : There he is. She smiles. Jack and Toshiko are both up above watching from the railing. TOSHIKO : Hero of the hour. Rhys opens his eyes and looks at Gwen. RHYS : Hey. GWEN : Hey. RHYS : You all right ? GWEN : I am now you are. She leans forward and kisses him. He groans. RHYS : Mmm. Ah ! She immediately pulls away. GWEN : Sorry. Ianto sits on the steps. IANTO : Next time, let her take the bullet. RHYS : Never. What happened to the blokes ? JACK : We gave them amnesia pills. They'll remember who they are, but not what they did over the past few months. RHYS : So they got away with it ? JACK : It would never stand up in a court of law. RHYS : And the creature ? Everyone is quiet and sad. Gwen looks over at Owen who is feeling it. Toshiko watches Owen. JACK : Incinerated. RHYS : So there's nothing left. It was never there. JACK : Gwen, I need a word. Jack turns and leaves. Gwen leans forward and kisses Rhys. GWEN : Sure. She turns and heads out after Jack. INT. HUB - JACK'S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS Jack enters his office. Gwen walks in. He grabs a small box off his desk. JACK : Rhys has to forget, too, you know ? GWEN : At least let me give it to him at home. Jack stops. He takes the small white pill out of the box and without looking at her, hands it to Gwen. She takes it from him and tucks it into her back pocket. She leaves. [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. MILLENNIUM CENTRE - DAY Rhys and Gwen step out of the travel cover shop. She closes the door behind them. Rhys' left arm is in a sling, but he doesn't care. He steps out into the sunlight and stops at the railing. Gwen walks over to him. He lifts his face to the sun and takes a deep breath. He appears to be in a good mood. He looks at Gwen. RHYS : Let's not go home just yet. GWEN : Rhys, you've just been shot. RHYS : I know. (He slides up to her and takes her hand.) Come on, let's go for an ice cream. He starts walking. She follows. TIME CUT TO : Rhys and Gwen sit on some stone graduated seats. Rhys is nearly finished with his ice cream cone while Gwen nurses a plastic cup of something to drink. He points to the generic people walking nearby. RHYS : Look around us. Nobody else knows what we've been through. Or what else is out there. The sky won't be the same to me anymore. I used to look up and think, ah, looks like rain, man. But now, oh, now, I'll... I'll look and I'll think of all the other worlds and the planets and... stuff spinning around out there. Oh ! And I got to be a part of it all. Fantastic ! Which puts worrying about unsigned dockage into perspective - I could tell you. GWEN : (points) You've got some - some ice cream on your chin. RHYS : (wipes his chin) Have I ? Gone ? I want to know about all of it. About every alien you've ever seen. He chuckles. RHYS : You could take photos, I'll keep a scrapbook. Wouldn't show no one. No way. GWEN : No, because you won't be keeping one. RHYS : And you know, (laughs) I'm even cool about Jack. Yeah, all right, yeah. He's handsome, enigmatic, saves the world and all that, but it's me you come home to at the end of it all. GWEN : And I always will. Rhys' phone rings. He digs into his pants pocket and takes it out. He answers it. RHYS : Eh. (to phone) Daf, all right ? Oh, ah, nothing much. Same old, same old. Yeah. (Rhys stands up and steps away from Gwen as he continues his conversation.) What ? No way ! Gwen looks at the small white pill. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. HUB - JACK'S OFFICE - DAY Jack drinks some water. He walks over to the shelf and picks up a book. INT. HUB - WORKSTATIONS - CONTINUOUS Owen is working on the computers at his workstation. Toshiko is at her workstation. The cog door rolls open. The alarms blare. Gwen rushes in and up the steps. GWEN : I'm not doing it. I won't drug him. TOSHIKO : You have to. OWEN : We can't allow him to remember. IANTO : It's the rules. GWEN : But none of you have any partners outside of this. JACK : But we understand how you feel. GWEN : No, you don't. No, you don't, Jack. You all think it's cold and lonely out there, but it isn't for me, because I have him. He matters, and I've lied to him for long enough. What he did today was so brave. Braver than any of us, because we signed up for this, but he didn't... he did it because he loves me ! And I won't take that away from him ! I won't! And if that means I have to quit, or you retcon me or whatever, then, fine, fine. Jack tosses his water bottle to Ianto who catches it. He walks up to Gwen. JACK : You really think you could go back to your old life before Torchwood ? GWEN : I wouldn't know anything different. JACK : (hoarsely) I would. They stare each other down. JACK : Give Rhys my love and I will see you tomorrow. Gwen turns and hurries out of the hub. The alarm blares as the cog door closes. Toshiko turns and looks at Jack. Jack turns and heads back to his office. He takes the water bottle from Ianto and disappears into the office. Ianto lingers in the doorway. Owen turns back to his workstation computers. Everyone is quiet. INT. HUB - JACK'S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS Jack turns the camera monitor on as he sits at his desk. The monitor chirps and the camera overlooking the centre appears on screen. EXT. CENTRE - CONTINUOUS Gwen returns and joins Rhys. He smiles at her and they kiss. They pull apart and we see the camera high on the pole nearby. MONITOR VIEW Gwen and Rhys step out of the monitor frame. Jack takes a deep breath and exhales slowly. HOLD on Jack.

When team investigates a mysterious alien meat supply that traces back to Rhys' haulage company, Gwen is forced to reveal the true nature of her work at Torchwood to a stunned and suspicious Rhys.

fd_CSI__Crime_Scene_Investigation_01x03

fd_CSI__Crime_Scene_Investigation_01x03_0

Narrator: Previously on: [Scenes from 1X01: Pilot] [INT. CSI - HALLWAY] (NICK moves the "SOLVED" magnet from the side and puts it right on top of the board on CRIME #99, UNIDENTIFIED PERSON, on his side of the board.) (Cut to: GRISSOM swings NICK'S new I.D. badge in front of him.) Grissom: Congratulations, Nicky, my boy. You are now a CSI Level Three. Nick: (excited) Whoo! [INT. CATHERINE'S SISTER'S HOUSE - BEDROOM - MORNING] (LINDSEY wakes up.) Lindsey Willows: Mommy? Catherine: I couldn't drive here fast enough to tell you how much I love you. Lindsey Willows: I love you, too. [Scenes from 1X02: Cool Change] [INT. CSI - LAB] Catherine: Sara Sidle? Sara: (smiles) I know who I am. I think you're a little confused. [INT. CSI - BRASS' OFFICE - DAY] (GRISSOM checks into BRASS' office as he clears his stuff out.) Grissom: I just off the phone with the Sheriff. He says he wants me to run the unit. Brass: You're the boss. [INT. CSI - HALLWAY] (GRISSOM and WARRICK sit on the bench in the hallway.) Grissom: They say I got to let you go. Warrick: I know. (GRISSOM stands and moves in front of WARRICK.) Grissom: I don't care what the book says. I lost one good person today, I don't want to lose another. (GRISSOM holds out WARRICK'S gun and badge back out to him.) Grissom: Here. (WARRICK looks up at GRISSOM.) CUT TO END OF "PREVIOUSLY ON" FLASH IN. [EXT. VARIOUS NEVADA DESERT (STOCK) - DAY] (Camera close up of a shovel dropping dry dirt onto the ground and patting it down. A large booted foot steps onto the spot.) (The MAN finishes and walks away from the spot with his shovel.) HARD CUT TO BLACK. (A lighter flame flickers on. The woman holding the lighter is lying down in the dark. She looks around at the enclosed space around her. She starts to panic and cry.) (She screams as she realizes that she's inside a box.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. GARRIS RESIDENCE -- NIGHT] (Scene opens on the tape machine playing the ransom note. GRISSOM, NICK and JACK GARRIS listen to the message.) Altered Voice: (o.s.) (from tape) Bring $2 million in hundreds to Charleston and Third in three hours or your wife dies. (beat) Stop me from taking the money -- she still dies. Jack Garris: This guy thinks it's some kind of joke using a voice like that. Nick: He's altering his voice, sir, electronically. Grissom: We don't consider it a joke at all. (GRISOM starts the tape over again.) Altered Voice: (from tape) Bring $2 million in hundreds ... Jack Garris: (irritated and impatient) You guys have listened to that tape like, twenty times. Will somebody please go out and find my wife? Grissom: Mr. Garris, please. Sometimes, if you listen closely you can hear a lot. (GRISSOM rewinds the tape again. He plays it and everyone falls silent as they listen to the low frequency buzz of the player.) Jack Garris: (after a moment) I don't hear anything. Grissom: Right. Where do you hear nothing in Las Vegas? (JACK GARRIS doesn't say anything as he thinks about it. GRISSOM answers his own question.) Grissom: The desert. (beat) And, judging by what sounds like a low frequency buzz in the background, possibly near power lines. Jack Garris: How'd you hear all that? Grissom: I listen. (JACK GARRIS stares at GRISSOM and nods his head slightly.) (In the background, we can hear someone talking on a phone.) Brass: (to phone) Right, okay, all right, got it. [INT. GARRIS RESIDENCE -- CONTINUOUS] (BRASS makes his way across the living room toward them. He puts his phone away.) Brass: (to GRISSOM) I just spoke with the FBI. They'll back us up if we need it, but we have to handle it. (BRASS turns to leave. JACK GARRIS stops him.) Jack Garris: Uh, detective, wait. What are my chances here ... of-of Laura ... f-for Laura? Brass: It's a three-hour window. Jack Garris: Will somebody just tell me the truth? Brass: A ransom message with a short fuse means that the victim's situation will cause her to expire by or before the deadline regardless of what we do. Nick: In a car trunk -- that kind of thing. Brass: It's a form of passive murder if you want to be, uh... 'honest' about it. Jack Garris: Then you guys have got to move. Grissom: Mr. Garris ... it's my experience that, in situations like this if you want to go fast, go slow. HARD CUT TO END OF TEASER ROLL TITLE CREDITS [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. GARRIS RESIDENCE - BACK HALLWAY -- NIGHT] (SARA walks cautiously into the hallway. She looks at the security pad on the wall.) Sara: Get a picture of the security pad. Someone touches it before it's dusted, I break their fingers. (SARA turns her head and works her way down the hallway. The photographer/tech follows her.) Sara: Shoot the mirror, point of disturbance the lamp, point of disturbance ... (SARA puts an evidence marker on the mirror and she puts evidence marker #2 on the lamp on the floor. The tech takes pictures of the security pad on the wall, then turns to take pictures of the mirror.) (SARA looks up and sees something on the doorframe. As she stares at it, NICK appears behind her also staring at the doorframe. SARA turns around.) Sara: ... you're standing in my crime scene. Nick: No. (he holds up the disk) (beat) You're in mine. (NICK smiles and turns to walk out of the house.) Sara: (envious) You're doing audio? I wanted that. Nick: I outrank you. Sara: Technicality. Who did Grissom handpick to work here? (NICK chuckles dryly.) Nick: Keep telling yourself that. (SARA turns back to look at the doorframe) Sara: (to the tech) Get the lights, will you? Technician: Got it. (The TECHNICIAN turns the lights off. SARA gets out her ALS and looks at the stuff on the doorframe.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. GARRIS RESIDENCE - LIVING ROOM -- NIGHT] (BRASS talks with JACK GARRIS.) Jack Garris: Shady friends? No. Laura surrounds herself with quality people-- people of real substance. (BRASS nods.) Brass: Has her behavior changed recently -- drug use, alcohol, things like that? Jack Garris: (interrupts) No, no, no, nothing like that. (BRASS doesn't say anything. He stands up.) Jack Garris: She's a health nut -- we both are. Brass: Uh-huh. Jack Garris: Look, I'm a rich man. How do we let this guy know I'll pay? Brass: We don't want to go there yet. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. GARRIS RESIDENCE - SUV -- CURB -- NIGHT] (NICK starts the car's engine. GRISSOM leans in through the open passenger window to give NICK last minute instructions.) Grissom: Nick, tell lab to do a reverse algorithm on that tape and then get it into enhancement. Nick: I know what to tell the audio guy. Grissom: You've been a Level Three for what, two weeks? Nick: I got it under control. (GRISSOM stares at NICK and doesn't say anything. NICK smiles.) Nick: Swear. (GRISSOM moves away from the window.) Nick: Later. (NICK shifts the car into gear.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. GARRIS RESIDENCE - BEDROOM] (Camera opens on a broken picture frame on the floor next to evidence marker #6. A camera flashes.) (GRISSOM walks into the bedroom. SARA is standing at the dresser taking photographs. GRISSOM walks in and looks around.) Sara: Cursory call -- looks like a professional job. (GRISSOM doesn't say anything. He leans over to look at the various framed pictures on the tabletop. SARA continues to call it.) Sara: (continuing) Our guy bypasses the security system, surprises the wife in the back hall. Drags her in here. She grabs onto the doorway -- sign of struggle. No sign of sexual assault. He's in, they're out. (GRISSOM glances down and sees a smudge on the carpet. It grabs his attention and he leans in low to examine it closely.) Sara: (continuing) Probably ... egress through those doors. Excuse me, is my evaluation interrupting you? Grissom: No, no, no. I barely heard you. Sara: Glad I have a healthy ego. You find something interesting there? Grissom: Dirt. Sara: You're ... so ... technical ... I can hardly keep up, but ... GRISSOM; Oh, sorry, but, uh ... out of context, it's ... just dirt. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. GARRIS RESIDENCE - BACKYARD - NIGHT -- CONTINUOUS] (GRISSOM steps through the open balcony doors and out into the backyard patio. SARA follows him.) (He looks around. SARA sniffs.) Sara: Did you just slap on bad cologne? Grissom: I never wear it. It interferes with the job. Sara: It's almost sweet. (GRISSOM sees something.) Grissom: Hmm. (He finds a cloth on the ground. He picks it up and smells it. He offers it to SARA to smell.) Sara: Can't be chloroform. Grissom: Halothane, maybe. Sara: We'll confirm it in GC mass spec. (SARA reaches into her bag for an evidence bag.) Grissom: "Looks like a professional job," I think you said. (SARA glances up at GRISSOM and smiles.) Grissom: Care to amend your evaluation? I mean, if the guy forgets the rag he used to knock her out, he can't be much of a pro. (He puts the cloth in the evidence bag SARA holds open for him.) Sara: (smiles) I keep trying to be your star pupil. Grissom: Sara, that was a seminar. This is real. Pebbles, tile -- the front is all concrete. Sara: No dirt. Context-- there is dirt on the carpeting inside. Grissom: In an otherwise spotless house. Sara: You're saying kidnapper tracked the dirt in. Grissom: Possible. As of now, that's about all we have, so ... I guess we follow the dirt. (GRISSOM walks past SARA and back into the house. SARA looks up, shakes her head and smiles.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. RESIDENTIAL STREET -- NIGHT] (Cameras flash. The female in the body bag is covered and the bag zipped up.) (Cut to: The ambulance door closes and the vehicle drives off.) Catherine: How many hit-and-runs we had this year? Warrick: Too many. One thing I can't stand is a punk coward. (CATHERINE looks down at the roadside and stares at the scooter that the little girl was riding. It's on its side next to evidence marker #1 and a ruler.) Catherine: My daughter wants one of these scooters. Says she's the only kid in the world who doesn't have one. (CATHERINE steps up to the fallen scooter and kneels down next to it. WARRICK looks at CATHERINE'S back.) Warrick: You want me to take this case alone? (CATHERINE turns around to look back up at WARRICK.) Catherine: You feeling all right, Warrick? Warrick: Oh, I'm fine. I'm ... I'm looking after you. (He shakes his head.) It's that thing with Holly Gribbs. (CATHERINE stands up and looks at WARRICK.) Warrick: It's made me think of who I am to my partners, you know? Catherine: So this is what-- your new leaf? Warrick: (embarrassed, yet serious) You keep on busting on me, you won't see any kind of leaf. Catherine: (smiles) Hey, relax. I'll play nice. Thank you for the offer. I'm okay. I can handle this one. (CATHERINE turns back to look at the scooter. She kneels down next to it.) Catherine: It'd be nice if this paint transfer had just one special property. (beat) You want to call it? Warrick: (points) Vehicle's humming down Rochester. The vic was on her scooter, heading eastbound. Car brakes here ... (WARRICK points to the tire marks on the road next to evidence marker #3.) Warrick: ... impact here. The vic was thrown -- what-- twenty meters? Catherine: And all we've got is some paint that's going to match up to about 20 million other vehicles. Warrick: (sighs) Yeah. Catherine: b*st*rd. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. GARRIS RESIDENCE - FOYER -- NIGHT] (JACK GARRIS heads out the front door. He turns around to look at BRASS.) Jack Garris: Are you ordering me not to pay the ransom? Brass: It's a very strong suggestion, yes. (Behind BRASS, GRISSOM turns the corner and heads slowly toward the men.) Jack Garris: After you told me she could already be dead? I don't believe you guys. This is my wife. I'm paying the ransom. Brass: Look, if you give up the cash the kidnapper has no reason to communicate with us. Jack Garris: Does anyone on your team know where Laura is right now? Grissom: We have an entire forensics lab working on this. Jack Garris: Yeah? Something tells me I'll see her before you do. (And with that, JACK GARRIS walks out of the house with the money in a briefcase.) Brass: Well, your job just got harder. Grissom: Yeah. Brass: (sighs) I'll stay close to the money. (BRASS heads out the front door to follow JACK GARRIS.) [SCENE_BREAK] [SCOPE VIEW OF THE DIRT] Grissom: (V.O.) This dirt has interesting properties. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - LAB -- NIGHT] (SARA and GRISSOM are in the lab. SARA is looking through the scope at the dirt.) Grissom: The gold flecks -- that's easy -- it's gold. The little gray squiggles? Cyanide. (She looks up from the scope.) Sara: Cyanide? He poisoned her? Grissom: No. Did you know that Nevada produces 80% of the country's gold? Miners drop cyanide powder into the dirt and it draws the gold to the surface. Sara: And how does a bug specialist know so much about dirt? Grissom: I had a case five years ago. We found a skeleton in an abandoned gold mine. I thought it was a murder. Turned out the guy passed out drunk and the cyanide leached into his system. Sara: Gruesome, Grissom. Grissom: You know, it's funny but every case teaches me something about the next. Sara: So when you said, "Follow the dirt"...? Grissom: Gold mine -- it's possible that's where he's got her. Sara: Great. There's got to be 100 gold mines in Nevada. Grissom: True, but how many are near power lines within range of the drop zone? (He unrolls the map in front of him.) Three. (He points.) One ... two ... three. HARD CUT TO BLACK. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - FORENSIC AUTOPSY -- NIGHT] (DR. JENNA WILLIAMS uncovers the little girl.) Dr. Jenna Williams: This is your hit-and-run victim. Bad thing about this job is you stop asking yourself 'why'. Here's the bruise I was telling you about. (She lifts up the blanket to show CATHERINE the bruise on the little girl's thigh. CATHERINE leans in for a better look.) Dr. Jenna Williams: You see it? (WARRICK moves around to look at the bruise.) (Quick flashback to: The little girl screams. The car impacts her on the thigh. End of flashback. Resume to present.) Catherine: (straightens) Oh, my god. Plate numbers. Dr. Jenna Williams: From the license plate when it impacted her skin. Warrick: Looks like a "four" and a "J." Catherine: Yeah. Warrick: Not like he left us any evidence. Catherine: Call DMV. Warrick: I'll get them to cross-check this partial within a five-mile radius see how many hits they come up with. You'll have those pictures for me? Dr. Jenna Williams: Yep. (WARRICK heads out of the autopsy room.) Catherine: I'll meet you out front. Warrick: All right. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. HELICOPTER (MOVING) - OVER DESERT -- NIGHT] (SARA and GRISSOM are sitting in the moving helicopter looking through a heat sensor.) Sara: Freaky. Is that what I think it is? Grissom: It's a pack of coyotes. The sensor picks up any form of body heat, two-legged or four-legged. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. DRIVING RANGE - NIGHT] [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. BRASS' UNMARKED CAR - STREET ACROSS DROP POINT -- NIGHT - CONTINUOUS] (BRASS sits in his car keeping his eye on the trash can just outside the driving range grounds.) (He watches as a sports car drives up to the trash can. JACK GARRIS gets out of the car with the bag full of money. He looks around and walks toward the trash can. He lifts up the lid and dumps the bag inside the trash can.) Nick: (o.s.) Captain Brass. Hey. (NICK opens the car door and gets inside the passenger seat, startling BRASS.) Brass: Geez, you scared me. Nick: Sorry. Sorry. Grissom told me to hook up with you. He says the drop place will be a crime scene. Brass: We hope. (BRASS turns to look outside just as JACK GARRIS gets back into his car. He closes the door.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. HELICOPTER (MOVING) -OVER DESERT -- NIGHT] (The heat sensor tracks a coyote running across the desert.) Grissom: Come on, give us something two-legged. Sara: Last mine. We've circled it twice. Grissom: Yeah, well, we'll circle it again. (SARA leans over and taps the pilot on the shoulder. The pilot nods.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. HELICOPTER (MOVING) - NIGHT] [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. BRASS' UNMARKED CAR - STREET ACROSS DROP POINT -- NIGHT] (A man walking his dog approaches the trash can. He leans over to tie his shoe.) Nick: Why don't they move in on the guy? Brass: Why? 'Cause he's probably just walking his dog. (The man pulls his dog along past the trash can.) Nick: Well, he's been there five minutes. Brass: Dogs take their time. What, do you want to be rushed? Man On Radio: Male in a ball cap, 10:00. (A man carrying a set of golf clubs approaches the trash can. The man looks around.) Nick: Here, kitty, kitty... Brass: (to mic) Nobody moves. You got that? Rock solid till my order. Officer: (from radio) Copy. (The man looks around and walks toward the trash can. NICK and BRASS watch from the car parked across the street.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. HELICOPTER (MOVING) - OVER DESERT-NIGHT] [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. HELICOPTER (MOVING) - OVER DESERT -- NIGHT] (GRISSOM sees something on the monitor.) Grissom: What was that? Go back. Sara: Where? [HEAT SENSOR VIEW] (Traveling low across the desert floor, there's something in the middle of the screen.) Grissom: There. (They pass the heat mass.) Grissom: Swing around! (As they pass it a third time, SARA can definitely see that it's a person lying on their side with their hands tied in front of them.) Grissom: (realizing) My god, she's below the surface. Sara: (to the pilot) Okay, let's land! Take her down! Down! (SARA and GRISSOM take off their ear phones.) [EXT. HELICOPTER - DESERT - NIGHT -- CONTINUOUS] (The helicopter lands.) Grissom: Ground team is right behind us. I'll guide them in. (GRISSOM and SARA exit the helicopter.) Grissom: She's got to be right up here. (Searching the ground, the start yelling for LAURA GARRIS.) Sara: Mrs. Garris! GRISSOM: Mrs. Garris! Can you hear us? SARA: Mrs. Garris! GRISSOM: We're with the Las Vegas Police Department! (They hear a woman's muffled screaming coming from the ground.) Grissom: Here! She's here! (They drop their gear and start digging, pushing the dirt and rocks away with their bare hands.) Sara: Got something here. (Sirens approach and get louder as they near. They stop and emergency personnel and gear exit the vehicles.) Sara: Come on! GRISSOM: Get that end! SARA: Yeah, come over! (They all start to dig frantically for LAURA GARRIS.) Grissom: Got to get her air! GRISSOM: Give me a pick -- an ax-- something. GRISSOM: Get away. Let me get in there. (Someone hands GRISSOM a pick and he starts to dig for the edge of the box cover. He lifts it up.) Grissom: Pull it! (The OFFICERS lift the lid off of the box. Inside is LAURA GARRIS.) Sara: Oh, my god. (GRISSOM kneels to help her up from the box.) Grissom: Okay, we're going to pull her up. (With GRISSOM'S assistance, LAURA GARRIS stands up, dirt and dust all over her.) Grissom: Sara, get me something to cut this tape. (GRISSOM turns to look at LAURA GARRIS.) Grissom: (to LAURA GARRIS) You okay? GRISSOM: You're going to be okay now. GRISSOM: Get this off. (SARA hands GRISSOM the scissors and he cuts the tape off from LAURA GARRIS' wrists.) Grissom: Okay. (He hands LAURA GARRIS over to the OFFICERS, the tape still in his hand.) (SARA stands next to him, trying to catch her breath. GRISSOM turns to her.) Grissom: (to SARA) You okay? Sara: Never ceases to amaze me what people do to each other. (SARA looks at the officers and steps away from GRISSOM.) Sara: (yells out instructions) Transport the box to the lab for latents. Hair fibers, get soil exemplars. (GRISSOM turns his radio on.) Grissom: (to radio) Victor-18. Brass, do you hear me? Brass: (from radio) Copy. Grissom: (to radio) We got the package, and she's still alive. ... [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. BRASS' UNMARKED CAR - NIGHT] Grissom: (from radio) ... Brass, are you reading me? Over. Brass: (to radio) Victor-9, affirmative. Way to go. Major player is in our sight. Will update. Out. (Outside, the man with the cap returns to the trash can. He puts his golf bag down.) Nick: You think that's him? You think that's our guy right there? (BRASS keeps an eye on the man and watches as the man moves to the trash can. He lifts the lid up and reaches inside where he removes the bag full of money.) Brass: (to radio) Move on ball cap! Move, move, move! (The man grabs the bag and tries to leave. A siren blasts and a cop car rushes into his path, blocking his exit.) (An OFFICER gets out of the vehicle and raises his weapon at the man with the ball cap.) Officer: Police officers! Freeze! Chip Rundle: Hey, no, I wasn't stealing the bag, all right? Officer: Hands on your head. Down on your knees! OFFICER: Hold still. (CHIP RUNDLE gets down on his knees with his hands on his head. The second OFFICER hand cuffs him. BRASS and NICK make their way toward CHIP RUNDLE.) Chip Rundle: Hey, look at the bag. It's not even leather. Why would I want it? Brass: I can think of about two million reasons, Tiger. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) - NIGHT] [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. CHARLES MOORE'S HOUSE - FRONT PORCH -- NIGHT] (CATHERINE and WARRICK walk up the path to the front door. CATHERINE rings the doorbell. She knocks on the door. The door opens.) Catherine: Hello. Charles Moore: Can I help you folks? Catherine: Mr. Charles Moore? (He nods.) We're with the Las Vegas crime lab. We'd like to talk to you about your car. Warrick: We believe it may have been involved in a traffic collision earlier this evening. Charles Morre: I told the police when they called, my car was stolen. Catherine: That's why we have a search warrant, sir ... (CATHERINE unfolds the paper in her hand and holds it out to CHARLES MOORE.) Catherine: ... so that we can look in your garage. (He takes the warrant and looks at it.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. MOORE'S GARAGE - NIGHT --CONTINUOUS] (The garage door opens. CATHERINE and WARRICK look at the damage to the front of the car with the Nevada plates #484 JUD. CATHERINE looks at WARRICK and turns around to look at CHARLES MOORE.) Charles Moore: It-it was an accident. I saw the girl and I tried to brake but I accelerated by mistake. I get confused. I-I shouldn't have left. I was wrong. (pauses) Is she okay? Catherine: She died at the scene. Charles Moore: (sadly) Oh, my god. Warrick: You're going to be charged with manslaughter, Mr. Moore. Felony hit-and-run. Do you have a lawyer? [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. BREAK ROOM - NIGHT] (WARRICK walks into the break room. CATHERINE is already there. She's carrying a box.) Warrick: Catherine, I just got off the phone with the traffic guys. They've impounded Moore's car. Should be here any minute. (CATHERINE opens the box and inside is a cake with "Happy Birthday Lindsey" icing on it.) Catherine: Is it me or did he give it up too easy? Warrick: Old guy was scared. (GRISSOM rushes into the room. He's giddy with excitement.) Grissom: (smiling) You have to see the birthday present I got for your daughter. (SARA also walks into the room.) Sara: What's the rule? How long do I have to be here before I start kicking in for gifts? Catherine: When the spirit moves you, Sara. So, in your case, I guess, never. (GRISSOM opens the box and shows CATHERINE the "CHEMLAB/500" that he's holding in his hand.) Grissom: I got one of these chem labs when I was six. I almost blew up the whole house. (He chuckles.) Catherine: I hope you can return it 'cause, uh, Lindsey doesn't want a party. Grissom: Yeah, what kid doesn't want a party? Catherine: My kid. Nick: Hey, Catherine what time's your little girl coming by? Catherine: She isn't. (NICK holds up his own gift, a "CHEMLAB/500".) Nick: Yeah, but I got her a chem set. Sara: You keep that; might learn something. Nick: Stop flirting with me. Cath, really, when's the party? Catherine: (exasperated) What do I have to do -- put it on the bulletin board? There is no party. My daughter doesn't want a party. Is everybody clear on that? (Several pagers beep. Everyone checks their pagers.) Warrick: Our car's here. (WARRICK and CATHERINE head for the door.) Sara: The burial box is in. (SARA turns for the door.) Grissom: The victim's ready at Desert Palm. (GRISSOM turns to walk out of the room. As he passes NICK, he puts his CHEMLAB set on NICK'S CHEMLAB set.) Grissom: We'll play with these later. (NICK laughs. He's the only one left in the room. He looks down at the two boxes and shakes his head.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - GARAGE -- NIGHT] (Camera opens on the box with the words, "WINERY NEVADA" on the bottom of the insignia on its side.) (The TECHS drop the box in front of SARA.) Sara: Thanks, guys. Techs: (leaving) No problem. Sara: "Garris Winery." [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. DESERT PALM HOSPITAL -- NIGHT] (GRISSOM interviews LAURA GARRIS in the presence of her husband, JACK GARRIS.) Grissom: And you never saw the person, huh? (LAURA GARRIS looks at GRISSOM.) Laura Garris: He ... grabbed me from behind. (Quick flashback to: Someone grabs LAURA GARRIS from behind, clamping their gloved hand over her mouth muffling her cry. End of flashback. Resume to present.) Laura Garris: There was something clamped over my mouth ... (she touches her lips) ... and that's the last thing that I remember. Grissom: You know how you got the bruising around your eye? Laura Garris: (shakes her head) I have no idea. I'm sorry. I was knocked out. (She takes a shuddering breath and glances up at her husband JACK.) Laura Garris: I just don't think I can help you. Jack Garris: She's been through enough. Can we cut this short? Grissom: Sure. I'd like to get a blood sample from you, though, if I could. Laura Garris: What for? Grissom: You've got scratches on your arm. If we can find traces of your blood in Rundle's truck we can match the DNA -- make our case against him that much stronger. Jack Garris: Come on, Grissom, you have the guy. Isn't that enough? Grissom: Yeah, well, we didn't get any prints off the duct tape, our audio guys are working on stuff. Right now, we need something more concrete if we want to prove that he did it. Laura Garris: I want to help, jack. Jack Garris: Okay, all right. Laura Garris: Whatever it takes to put this guy behind bars I'll do. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - LAB] (SARA works on finding prints. She finds one and smiles.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - INTERVIEW ROOM] (BRASS interviews CHIP RUNDLE.) Brass: So you want to talk to us, no lawyer? Chip Rundle: Why would I need a lawyer? Look, I told you I didn't know there was any money in that bag. Hit balls at that park twice a week. Ask around. Brass: And the fact that you're Jack Garris' trainer? Chip Rundle: How does that mean I kidnapped his wife? I know the dude. Brass: Yeah. (BRASS sits down.) Brass: And the layout of the guy's house. Chip Rundle: He pays extra for me to come to him. Brass: You want to explain why we found your fingerprints all over the crate Laura Garris was buried in? Chip Rundle: Look, unless it was from Jack's vineyard, I don't know. Helped him move some crates couple weeks ago up to his garage. I can't believe it. Y-y-you got nothing to hold me on. Going once, going twice ... sold ... to the man walking out the front door. (CHIP stands up and walks toward the door. He pauses next to BRASS and puts a business card on the table in front of him.) Brass: Don't go too far, pal. Chip Rundle: My lawyer's number. In case you'd like to communicate with me again. (CHIP heads for the door. GRISSOM walks into the room and they meet each other in the doorway.) Chip Rundle: Hey, didn't I see you on the news tonight -- the chopper-- you were digging up Jack's wife? It's amazing. Hope you catch the guy. Grissom: Me, too. (CHIP leaves the room. GRISSOM turns around to look at BRASS.) Grissom: So? Brass: Aw, kid didn't give up a thing ... except the tape that'll break the case open. (BRASS reaches for the tape recorder on the table and removes the disk inside. He gives it to GRISSOM.) Grissom: Did you let him know you were recording him? Brass: Yeah. The guy has no idea what you science types can do with a little audiotape. Grissom: Thank you. (GRISSOM smiles and leaves the room.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - GARAGE] (WARRICK and CATHERINE both stand outside the driver's door. WARRICK peers in to the window.) Warrick: How tall you do you think Mr. Moore is? (CATHERINE sighs.) Catherine: Six feet, I'd say. Warrick: Old people must love hugging that steering wheel 'cause this seat is pushed all the way forward. (WARRICK opens the door and squeezes himself into the front seat.) Warrick: Oh! (WARRICK settles in and looks at the mirror.) Warrick: Oh ... well, I'm six feet and this mirror isn't helping me at all. (CATHERINE looks around and gets a hunch.) Catherine: Start the car. Warrick: Why? Catherine: Just do it. (WARRICK starts the car and they're both startled by the loud rap music.) Warrick: Whoo! Catherine: Mr. Moore was not the last person to drive this car. (WARRICK starts to get into the music.) Catherine: (in a loud voice) Uh, turn the music off. Warrick: This? Catherine: (loud) Yeah. Warrick: It's good stuff. Catherine: (shouts) Nobody over nineteen ... (WARRICK turns off the music) (immediately in a softer voice) ... was the last person to drive this car. (WARRICK sighs.) Warrick: Yeah. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - AUDIO/VISUAL LAB -- DAY] (GRISSOM walks into the lab where NICK and THD, the lab tech, are working on the audio tape.) Nick: Hey, just in time. We're giving it a final run. (The computer beeps and the ransom note tape comes on. The monitor shows the yellow voice pattern line moving.) Altered Voice: (garbled, over computer) Bring $2 million in hundreds to Charleston and Third in three hours or your wife dies. Stop me from taking the money -- she still dies. THD: This is the end of the same tape after a reverse algorithmic. (THD types on the keyboard. The tape goes on a second time.) Chip Rundle: (clearly, over computer) Stop me from taking the money -- she still dies. Grissom: (smiles) Sounds like our guy to me. Nick: (nods) It is. Now, ransom tape against your exemplar. You got it loaded up, T.H.D.? THD: Right here. (The tape from CHIP'S interview with BRASS goes on. The monitor shows a blue voice pattern line moving.) Chip Rundle: (from tape) Look, unless it was from Jack's vineyard, I don't know. Chip Rundle: (o.s.) Helped him move some crates couple weeks ago up to his garage. Grissom: Survey says ... perfect match to the naked ear. Now, where's my spectrograph, so the defense attorneys can't claim that our alterations were altered? (THD goes to another computer.) THD: Right here. Uh, yellow lines are the ransom message blue's the interview. (On the monitor, the yellow line and the blue line combine.) Nick: There's something wrong. There's just a green line. Grissom: That's 'cause the blue line is directly on top of the yellow line which makes it green. It's a perfect match. Nick: We got our kidnapper. Grissom: What do you do now, Nick? Nick: I'll call Brass, tell him to go pick the guy up. Grissom: But you tell Brass to drag his heels 'cause you still got work to do. (SARA appears in the doorway.) Sara: Grissom, can you look at something out back? Could be big. Grissom: (to SARA) Yeah. (to NICK) Come see me after you raise Brass. (GRISSOM walks out of the room, leaving NICK standing there confused. He turns to look at THD.) Nick: What did I do wrong? THD: I'm not going to spoil Grissom's fun. This is how he teaches all you guys. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - INTERVIEW ROOM -- DAY] (CATHERINE and WARRICK interview CHARLES MOORE.) Warrick: Does anybody else drive your car, Mr. Moore? Charles Moore: I was driving yesterday. Catherine: Sir, that doesn't answer our question. (The door to the interview room opens and JAMES MOORE walks in.) James Moore: Pops ... hey, you okay? (CHALRES MOORE looks up at JAMES. He turns to look at CATHERINE.) Charles Moore: What's he doing here? Catherine: Your grandson is an approved driver on your insurance. We had him pulled out of school. Warrick: So, James you like Mos Def? (JAMES looks at the scene, then takes a seat at the table.) Catherine: Did you hit that girl with your grandfather's car? (JAMES MOORE doesn't say anything. He turns to look at his grandfather.) James Moore: Pops, let me explain to them. Charles Moore: No. James Moore: They should hear what happened. Charles Moore: They're going to ... from me. (JAMES doesn't say anything more.) Charles Moore: I asked James to drive with me. I don't do so good, night driving. When I hit that girl I got knocked woozy, and James switched seats and took over the wheel ... got me home. Charles Moore: He was worried about me, not the girl. One more moving violation and they take away my keys. I'm not saying good judgment was used but that's what happened. Warrick: James you want to add anything to that? James Moore: No. That's how it was. Warrick: Will you please escort Mr. Moore back to his cell? Officer: Sir. (CHARLES MOORE stands up and heads for the door with the OFFICER. JAMES also stands up.) James Moore: I'll come see you with a lawyer. Charles Moore: Just not during school hours. James Moore: I won't. (CHARLES MOORE leaves the room.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - HALLWAY -- CONTINUOUS] (CHARLES MOORE exits the room and walks down the hallway with the OFFICER. JAMES walks out of the room and follows them slowly. CATHERINE exits the room and watches JAMES.) Catherine: James. You have family? Someone you can call? James Moore: There's just the two of us. Catherine: We can give you a lift home. James Moore: Thanks, no. I'll take the bus. (JAMES leaves.) Catherine: You know that James was riding solo that night. Warrick: Like I know my middle name. Well, let's go back to the car and find the proof. (WARRICK starts down the hall. CATHERINE doesn't follow him. WARRICK turns around to look at CATHERINE.) Warrick: What? Catherine: It's just that we've got so much power in this job which we use to get the bad guys. Once in a while, I'd like to use it to help the good guys like Mr. Moore and his grandson. Warrick: And what-- forget about little Renda Harris? Catherine: No ... what I'm saying is that ... putting James away isn't going to bring her back. Mr. Moore is willing to do the time and the victim's family gets closure. Warrick: Hey, you don't think I'm feeling this? But we got to follow the evidence even if we don't like where it takes us. (beat) It's the job. Catherine: (sighs) Yeah. I know it. Warrick: Hey, we start making deals with the devil and you don't get to walk away. You understand what I'm saying? Catherine: Yeah. Momentary lapse. (WARRICK turns and they both head out.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - HALWAY -- DAY] (GRISSOM and NICK walk through the hallway.) Grissom: I want you to find something new on that tape. Nick: Like what? We already matched the guy's voice. Grissom: You know what the defense attorneys will do with that? That's who you're up against, in the end. Nick: You think I don't know that? Aw, you been second-guessing me ever since I got on this case. Grissom: People leave us clues, Nick. They speak to us in thousands of different ways. It's our job to make sure that we've heard everything they've said. Anything less is reasonable doubt. Nick: I'll go back to the tape. (NICK leaves. GRISSOM turns and looks inside the Break Room where CATHERINE is pouring herself a cup of coffee.) [INT. CSI - BREAK ROOM - CONTINUOUS] Grissom: You any better? (CATHERINE looks up at GRISSOM.) Catherine: What are you talking about? Grissom: Your little major-minor blowup about Lindsey not wanting a party. Catherine: Oh, that. Yeah. (sighs) I'm just afraid that I'm making her weird, you know? Grissom: (looks at her) No. Catherine: I work 24/7. I have no time for my friends. My daughter rarely sees me having any fun. And, all of a sudden, she doesn't want a party. (CATHERINE grabs her cup and heads out the doorway. She and GRISSOM start down the hallway.) [INT. CSI - HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS] Grissom: And that's because of you? Catherine: Yes. I'm her mother. She mimics me. Grissom: Well, then she'll be fine. I mean, look at you. Catherine: You're just saying that to make me feel better. Grissom: Yeah. (Behind them, SARA steps out into the hallway from the garage carrying a roll of tape.) Sara: Hey, Grissom ... could you come tape me up? (Without waiting for an answer, SARA ducks back into the room. GRISSOM turns to look at CATHERINE.) Grissom: I love my work. Catherine: It shows. (GRISSOM turns and heads for the garage.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - GARAGE - DAY -- CONTINUOUS] (SARA is sitting inside the car with her hands taped together in front of her. GRISSOM stands outside the passenger seat adding the last of the tape.) Grissom: So, you found Laura's hairs here ... passenger side, front seat? Sara: Right. Not in the back. Which made me ask, what kind of a kidnapper puts a woman bound and unconscious in the front seat? The back of my arm isn't touching the sheepskin, see? Grissom: Yeah. So? Sara: But, there is sheepskin fiber on the back of Laura's sleeve. That tells us Laura sat back like a normal person would. (SARA holds out her taped wrists.) Sara: Cut me, Mack. (GRISSOM cuts the tape off.) Sara: Like this. (SARA pushes her arms back against the front seat to illustrate what she means.) Grissom: So she wasn't bound at all? Sara: Correct. But, would a kidnapper risk putting an unconscious woman in the front seat of his car, even unbound? Answer is usually in the question -- you taught me that. So, was she unconscious? We found halothane on the patio. Halothane knocks you out ... if you take it. Grissom: So, you're saying she never inhaled the halothane? Sara: Proof would be in her blood. Halothane stays in the system up to 48 hours. Grissom: How pleased am I that I got a sample of her blood? (GRISSOM trumps her and she sighs.) Grissom: So you can go check at the lab, see how it turned out. (SARA stands up.) Sara: Damn it, I wanted to carry the ball over the line. Grissom: I know. (SARA heads out of the garage. BRASS walks into the garage.) Brass: We just picked up our kidnapper-- Chip. Grissom: What's up? Brass: His lawyer was at his house -- wants to make a deal. Grissom: No deals. We know what Chip has to offer. Brass: Oh, yeah, Kreskin? What's that? Grissom: Laura Garris. Brass: The Victim? Grissom: The Accomplice. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. CSI - PARKING LOT -- DAY] (GRISSOM is out in the parking lot when NICK calls out to him and rushes to catch up with him.) Nick: Hey! Grissom: You got something that can't wait, Nick? Nick: Yeah, the ransom tape enhanced -- mega-enhanced. (NICK hands the tape to GRISSOM.) Grissom: Good. I'll listen to it right now. Nick: All right. Hey, I just ... I didn't know there was more to look for, you know? Grissom: You did it. It doesn't matter how we got here. Just remember this. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. CSI - GARAGE - DAY] (CATHERINE and WARRICK examine the car. CATHERINE is in the driver's seat and finds something embedded in the steering wheel cover. She sighs.) Catherine: When you want evidence, you can't find it. When you don't want it, it's as big as Dallas. Warrick: What you got? Catherine: Can you tell what that is? Warrick: My Aunt Bertha could tell, and she's legally blind. (WARRICK and CATHERINE look at each other.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - INTERVIEW ROOM -- DAY] (WARRICK and CATHERINE are back interviewing CHARLES MOORE. JAMES MOORE sits next to his grandfather -- not saying anything, not looking at them.) Charles Moore: (perplexed) You want to look at my teeth? What kind of investigation is this? Warrick: A forensic investigation, sir. Charles Moore: Fine. You look at my teeth. (CHARLES MOORE takes his false teeth out from his mouth and puts it on the interview table.) Charles Moore: Give them back when you're done. (CATHERINE clears her throat and look at JAMES. CHARLES puts his teeth back into his mouth.) Catherine: James ... we found a tooth chip embedded in the steering wheel of your grandfather's car. It doesn't appear to be, uh, from your grandfather's teeth. (JAMES looks at his grandfather.) Warrick: James ... you have a chipped tooth? Must be an incisor, or we would have noticed. James Moore: Pops, I'm sorry, but I got to. Charles Moore: He's a good boy. It was an accident. I make him call ... let me know where he is especially when he's out after dark. (Quick flashback to: JAMES MOORE is driving the car and talking to his grandfather on the cell phone. Rap music blasts on the radio.) James Moore: Hey, pops, it's me. Tips were good. (Flash cut to: Little RENDA HARRIS is moving along on her scooter.) James Moore: Hey, I thought I'd go check out a movie over at the plex. (Flash to: RENDA HARRIS on her scooter.) James Moore: Okay. See you later. (JAMES hangs up and glances away for a moment to put the phone away. At that moment, RENDA HARRIS crosses the car's path. JAMES looks up and hits the brakes, but it's too late. The car hits RENDA HARRIS. She screams. The scooter falls. JAMES lunges forward, hitting his teeth against the steering wheel.) (He starts to panic. He reverses the car and leaves the scene.) (End of flashback. Resume to present.) Charles Moore: He drove straight home and wanted me to go to the police station with him. James Moore: I didn't know that little girl was dead. I swear. I didn't know what to do. I knew Pops would know. Charles Moore: I wouldn't let him turn himself in. That was my decision. Boy's going places - college -- he's got a real future. Catherine: I'm very sorry, Mr. Moore. James, I'm afraid you're going to have to be taken into custody. Charles Moore: Miss, please, now, I'm willing to serve his time. Catherine: I know you are, Mr. Moore. We can't let you do that. Charles Moore: I made him cover it up. That was my decision. Catherine: He can explain all that to court. I'll be a witness. (CATHERINE looks at WARRICK who also nods his head.) Catherine: We both will. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - HALLWAY -- CONTINUOUS] (JAMES MOORE walks out of the interview room with handcuffs on and escorted by two officers. CATHERINE and WARRICK follow.) Warrick: Hey... why don't you run on home? I'll handle this. Catherine: Is this more of your new leaf? Warrick: Your daughter gets out of school in a half hour, right? (CATHERINE nods.) On her birthday. (She nods again.) Why do you want to pick a fight with me now? Catherine: I owe you. Warrick: Don't think I won't collect. (WARRICK turns and walks down the hallway.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - GRISSOM'S OFFICE -- DAY] (GRISSOM sits in his office with ear phones on listening to the disk. Behind him, the door opens and SARA walks in.) Sara: Grateful dead CD? (GRISSOM takes off the ear phones.) Grissom: Who's dead? Sara: No halothane in Laura Garris' blood which proves she was never knocked out. She went willingly. She and Chip faked her kidnapping -- which, of course, makes no sense at all. Grissom: Because she ended up underground in a box. Sara: With a black eye. Any theories? Grissom: Greed. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. GARRIS RESIDENCE - LIVING ROOM -- DAY] (GRISSOM and SARA interview LAURA GARRIS in their living room while she's sitting next to her husband.) Laura Garris: That's ridiculous. I don't even know Chip Rundle except that he's Jack's trainer. Grissom: But you became pretty good friends, didn't you? Laura Garris: (shakes her head) No. Jack ... no. Jack Garris: (looks at GRISSOM) I believe my wife. Grissom: Thing is, Jack, I tend not to believe people. People lie. The evidence doesn't lie. Sara: You and Chip made a plan to run away together with your hard-earned millions, Jack. Divorce is just too long and messy. Anyway, the plan was surprisingly well thought-out. (Quick flashback to: CHIP RUNDLE grabs LAURA GARRIS from behind, clamping his hand over her mouth.) Chip Rundle: Don't move. Laura Garris: Ooh ... (He lets her go. She turns around and jumps into his arms where they start kissing.) (They start making their way slowly down the hallway, LAURA GARRIS still being carried by CHIP.) Laura Garris: Go on, say it. Chip Rundle: No, no! (As they pass the large mirror in the hallway, LAURA tips it askew.) Laura Garris: Say it! Chip Rundle: What? (The lamp falls to the floor. LAURA kisses CHIP.) Laura Garris: Say the words. (LAURA reaches out for the door frame.) Chip Rundle: I love you. (As they pass through the door frame, LAURA leaves a mark there.) (Flash to: CHIP tracks dirt on the bedroom floor as he leaves.) (They pass by the dresser where LAURA knocks everything to the floor.) (CHIP hands LAURA a cloth.) Chip Rundle: Put this on. (LAURA puts the halothane on the cloth.) Chip Rundle: A lot of it. (CHIP carries LAURA out of the bedroom and through the patio where LAURA drops the cloth.) (End of flashback. Resume to present.) SARA You were in, you were out. And you dropped that halothane rag to make sure we'd find it and know you were unconscious -- a real victim. Jack, all due respect -- she's anything but. Laura Garris: Oh, really? Then how did I end up buried alive, scared to death? Sara: We're getting to that. You and Chip drove out of town. She sat in the front seat, unbound, fully conscious. They stopped at a roadside phone. Chipper called in the ransom message and I think you were still in the truck then, right, Laura? Laura Garris: Whatever. This is your thing. Sara: Pay attention. It's about to become yours. Grissom: (taking over) Then you both drove East towards Sandfill mine. He probably told you about some little line shack or something where you could stay while he picked up the ransom money. But then, all of a sudden, he pulled over -- probably made some excuse. (Quick flashback to: CHIP walks away from the car. LAURA GARRIS shuts the car door and hesitantly follows him.) Laura Garris: Chip... what are we doing? Chip Rundle: Switching cars -- covering our tracks. I got a jeep up over this hill. Laura Garris: Where? (End of flashback. Resume to present.) Grissom: I bet, right away, in your gut, you knew something was up. And then, just a few minutes later you knew for sure. (Quick flashback to: Over the hill, LAURA comes upon the wind box in the hole in the ground. She stops smiling. CHIP comes up behind her. LAURA turns around to look at CHIP. He swings and hits her in the eye, knocking her out.) (End of flashback. Resume to present.) Grissom: That's when, I believe, you got your black eye. Laura Garris: I, uh ... I don't remember. Grissom: And then, finally, you were unconscious. He duct-taped your hands and he buried you. (NICK walks in to the room.) Sara: Guess he figured why split $2 million when he can dump you and have it all. Jack Garris: Laura? Laura Garris: Jack, it's not true. I had no part in it. Nick: Audio downloaded everything. Dubs are cued up. (NICK starts to set up the speakers attached to the player.) Grissom: Let's listen to Chip's message, okay? Remember, Jack when I told you you could hear a lot if you listened? Jack Garris: Yeah. (NICK takes a seat on the couch.) Chip Rundle: (from tape) Bring $2 million in hundreds to Charleston and Third in three hours or your wife dies. Stop me from taking the money, she still dies. Nick: I'm sure you all recognize Chip's voice unaltered. Now, one more time with a slight variation. (NICK takes out another disk and switches it with the one in the player.) Grissom: It's amazing what we can do with the new forensic audio programs. Enhance sounds, isolate them. Nick: Heck, we can lift entire speeches just to see what's underneath. (NICK shuts the player and turns it on.) CUE SOUNDS: (from tape) CAR WHOOSING Grissom: A car went by when Chip was on the phone to you, Jack. Scared you, didn't it, Laura? Thought it might be the police? (Quick flashback to: On the side of the road, CHIP is on the phone. LAURA is hanging out the car window watching when the car on the road approaches them.) Chip Rundle: (from tape) Bring $2 million in hundreds to Charleston and third in three hours or your wife dies. (She nervously glances at the car, then quietly says something to CHIP.) (End of flashback. Resume to present.) Grissom: Let's hear it once more without that annoying car. (NICK turns the player on where it's clear what LAURA says to CHIP.) Laura Garris: (from tape) Chip, hurry up. (JACK gasps and turns to look at LAURA.) Jack Garris: You're my whole life. Laura Garris: Please, Jack. Your work is your life. How else do you think I started sleeping with Chip right under your nose? Nick: All right, let's go, Laura. Officer has a car waiting out front. (LAURA stands up.) Laura Garris: Just wait. Just wait a second. Grissom, I can help you. I can get you Chip not just on this. He was into a lot of things. Steroids. He was into credit cards. He was ... (The officers put the handcuffs on LAURA.) Grissom: We already have you both for about 25 years, minimum. (The OFFICERS take LAURA out of the house.) [EXT. GARRIS RESIDENCE - DAY] SLOW MOTION CAMERA: The officers lead LAURA GARRIS out of the house. GRISSOM and crew follow. Jack: There's one thing you didn't explain in there. As soon as you dug Laura up, why didn't she turn Chip in? Grissom: Self-preservation. She rats on him, she rats on herself. (They put LAURA GARRIS into the car. She turns and looks at JACK. JACK doesn't spare her a glance. He turns and walks back into the house.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. PARK - BENCH -- DAY] (CATHERINE and LINDSEY sit on a bench eating popsicles.) Catherine: So, did you have a good day at school? Lindsey Willows: Yeah. Three friends made be birthday cards. Catherine: They did?! Well, you have got some great friends. So, Lindsey ... how come you didn't want to have a party with them? Lindsey Willows: I see my friends every day at school. I never get to be alone with you. Catherine: Oh ... wow ... well, I'm really glad to be alone with you, too. I like this more than you will ever know. (LINDSEY turns and sees a little boy and a little girl just about her own age riding a scooter.) Little Boy: Come on, man. Little Girl: I'm coming! (She turns to look at her mom.) Lindsey Willows: Are you going to get me one of those for my birthday? Catherine: Uh, maybe when you're older. (beat) Like 40. Lindsey Willows: (laughs) Mommy! Catherine: Whatee? Lindsey Willows: That's not fair. Catherine: I know it's not fair. Life isn't fair. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - CORRIDOR -- DAY] (JAMES MOORE empties his pockets. His grandfather stands on the side watching him.) James Moore: Don't worry, Pops. I'll be okay. (CHARLES MOORE sighs.) Charles Moore: My grandson going to jail is never okay. (beat) You stay alive in there. You hear me? James Moore: (nods) You, too. Don't be going downhill. (They hug each other.) (WARRICK swallows. The OFFICER step up to get JAMES. The cell door opens. WARRICK grabs a pen and stops him.) Warrick: Hold on. James ... the first couple days are going to be the toughest. Here. (On JAMES' hand, WARRICK writes down a phone number.) Warrick: Here's my cell number. You run into any problems you call me. I'll be right there. All right? Keep your head up. (The officer leads JAMES to his cell. The doors close behind him.) (WARRICK heads out, past CHARLES MOORE who had watched the entire exchange.. JAMES sits down in his cell.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - HALLWAY - DAY -- CONTINUOUS] (WARRICK walks out of the room and into the hallway.) Charles Moore: (o.s.) You didn't have to do that - (WARRICK turns around to look at CHARLES MOORE.) Charles Moore: ... give James your number. I've seen other law enforcement people in my day ... Warrick: "My day." (chuckles) Reminds me of my grandmother. Yeah, I gave her a lot of rough nights, too. She used to call me her "work in progress." Charles Moore: Yeah. Well ... she did something right. Warrick: (nods slightly) Maybe. (WARRICK turns and walks away.)

The search is on for Grissom, Nick, and Sara when an abducted woman is said to be buried underground. Meanwhile a hit and run death of a little girl is investigated by Catherine and Warrick.

fd_The_Big_Bang_Theory_08x07

fd_The_Big_Bang_Theory_08x07_0

[ Penny's apartment ] Bernadette: So, what are you working on these days? Amy: I'm studying one-celled organisms to try and find the neurochemicals that lead to the feeling of shame. Bernadette: What would a one-celled organism have to be embarrassed about? Penny: Same as all of us, getting out of a car without underwear. Bermadette: Speaking of underwear, I have some interesting news. Penny: Okay, if it's sometimes Howie wears yours, Leonard already told us. Bernadette: He was being funny. I'm pretty sure. Anyway, I was asked to be a part of a magazine article about the 50 sexiest female scientists in California. Isn't that cool? Amy: I think it's awful. Penny: Why would you say that? Amy: Bernadette is a successful microbiologist. She should be celebrated for her achievements, not her looks. I mean, what kind of message does that send? Penny: I think the message is check out the rack on that scientist. Bernadette: Why can't someone be thought of as both smart and pretty? Amy: I just don't think a professional woman should have to flaunt her sexuality in order to get ahead. Penny: Okay, what's the big deal? Look, if it helps me make a sale with a physician, I don't think it hurts to flirt a little. I mean, laugh at their joke, touch their arm, maybe crank up the AC in the car beforehand, you know, to wake up the girls. Amy: Maybe it's different in the world of sales, but it's already hard enough for women to be taken seriously in science. Bernadette: I was kind of excited about the article, but now you're making me feel bad. Penny: No, I think you should do whatever you want. You know, maybe if fashion magazines had female scientists in them, I would've become a theoretical physicist. Stop smirking at each other. [SCENE_BREAK] Our whole universe was in a hot, dense state [SCENE_BREAK] Then nearly 14 billion years ago expansion started... Wait! [SCENE_BREAK] The Earth began to cool [SCENE_BREAK] The autotrophs began to drool, Neanderthals developed tools [SCENE_BREAK] We built the Wall [SCENE_BREAK] We built the pyramids [SCENE_BREAK] Math, Science, History, unraveling the mystery [SCENE_BREAK] That all started with a big bang [SCENE_BREAK] Bang! [SCENE_BREAK] [ The building foyer ] Man with Flowers: Thank you. Sheldon: No, thank you. Delivery men are the unsung foot soldiers of our nation's commerce. It's because of people like you, people like me can limit our human contact. I'd shake your hand, but, well, you know. Man: I'm not a delivery man, I'm a doctor. Although I do often deliver alarming biopsy results to my patients. Sheldon: That's humorous. Man: All right. Sheldon: Yeah, I bet you leave your patients in stitches. That was also humorous. Man: All right. Sheldon: Are you bringing flowers to a patient to cushion the blow of a terminal diagnosis? That wasn't a joke. Man: All right. These are actually for a nice woman who makes sales calls to my office. Sheldon: Hmm. You know, they have delivery people that will do that for you. Man: I was hoping to impress her by tracking her down on the Internet and then showing up unannounced at her door. Sheldon: Making the extra effort. Good for you. Leonard: Great timing, food just got here. Sheldon: Ooh, Siam Palace? Leonard: Yes. Sheldon: Uh, mee krob and chicken satay? Leonard: Yes. Sheldon: Uh, extra peanut sauce? Leonard: No, but you can have mine. Sheldon: Eh, well, very well. Oh, and on the topic of sharing things that are yours, there is a gentleman caller bringing flowers to your fianc e as we speak. Leonard: What? Why didn't you say that first? Sheldon: Why didn't you get extra peanut sauce? We can both play this game. Leonard: Can I help you? Man: Oh, hi. Uh, does Penny live here? Leonard: May I ask why? Man: Well, uh, I met her at my office, she winked at me. And, uh, I came hoping to initiate a romantic relationship. Leonard: Okay, um, look, I'm pretty sure she didn't wink at you. Man: Oh, she did. Seductively, like this. And then she touched my arm for two Mississippis. Like, you know, one Mississippi, two... Leonard: I got it, I got it. Listen, um, I think there's been a misunderstanding. See, Penny is my fianc e. Man: Really? I've never seen her wear an engagement ring. Raj: Really? Man: So, am I to presume that her flirtation was just a sales technique? Leonard: I think so. Man: When will I learn? It's just like the cute girl at the pet store all over again. Leonard: Excuse me? Man: Oh, uh, she touched my arm for five Mississippis, and I bought a two thousand dollar iguana habitat. Which she was always too busy to come over and see. You give these to Penny. You're a, you're a lucky man. Leonard: Thank you. Sorry. Man: Oh, uh, you probably don't want her to see this. It's unnecessarily graphic. Sheldon: Hold on, Doctor. Leonard, where are your social skills? This man is clearly upset. We should invite him in for a hot beverage. Leonard: He tried to score with Penny. Sheldon: So have these two, and they're having dinner with us. [SCENE_BREAK] [ A bar ] Amy: So, how was work today? Bernadette: It was fine, but you'll be happy to know they pulled the sexy scientists article. Amy: What happened? Bernadette: I don't know. They just canceled the photo shoot and said they're rethinking it. Amy: Well, I'm really sorry, but I think it's for the best. You want people focusing on your achievements, not staring at your breasts in some magazine. Bernadette: I guess. It's really not that important. Hey, up here. Amy: Sorry, it's just we're, we were talking about them. So, look, I, I wasn't going to say anything, but since you seem to be okay with the article being canceled, I have a little confession. I'm the reason it was pulled. Bernadette: What? How? Amy: I sent the editors of the magazine a pretty scathing e-mail. Bernadette: Amy, what did you say? Amy: I simply pointed out that they would never consider doing an article ranking male scientists on their sexuality, let alone showing them in various stages of undress. Bernadette: Because no one wants to see Neil deGrasse Tyson in a wet T-shirt, bent over the hood of a Porsche. Amy: Well, it doesn't make a difference, because they agreed it was in bad taste, and now you agree, so Amy saves the day. Bernadette: No, what happened was you got jealous, so you took away a chance for me to get some publicity. Amy: But it was bad publicity. Bernadette: That's for me to decide, not you. Amy: I disagree. As a female scientist, I think what you do affects all of us. Bernadette: And I think you don't like people expressing their sexuality because no one wants you to express yours. Oh, Amy, I'm so sorry. That was over the line. Amy: You have a nice night. Bernadette: Please don't go. Up until my vicious attack, you were the one in the wrong. [SCENE_BREAK] [ The apartment ] Sheldon: Here you go, Doctor. Red Zinger with one teaspoon of honey. Man: Thank you. Neat Star Trek mug. I actually have one of the phasers from the original TV show. Raj: Oh, cool. Howard: How'd you get that? Man: Oh, easy, Gene Roddenberry needed a vasectomy. Sehldon: Wait a minute. You've snipped Gene Roddenberry's vas deferens? Man: Yes. Howard: Wow, he really went where no man has gone before. Man: I don't like to brag,but, uh, you see, I'm kind of the doctor to the stars' urinary tracts. All: Wow. Man: Uh, you, you want to see James Cameron's kidney stone? All: Ooh. Man: He was so happy after he passed it, he gave me a Terminator. Leonard: That is amazing. How long have you been collecting? Man: Ever since I was a kid, but, uh, I didn't really get serious until William Shatner's bladder infection. Sheldon: What'd you get? What'd you get? Man: Well, he said it was a tribble. It could be a toupee, but either way, it's pretty cool. Raj: I would love to see your collection. Man: Anytime. Uh, I've got some cool stuff. When I first started, I thought it would be a good way to meet women, but, well, you know. Howard: We know. Raj: Preach. Man: Can I ask you a personal question? Leonard: Sure. Man: Um, I mean, you're a guy like me, so how'd you get a girl like Penny? Leonard: Oh. Well, you know, just being myself, really. Sheldon: Oh, please, you know, I'll tell you how he did it. Implacable, relentless badgering. In urology terms, he was a drug-resistant staph infection. And she was a urethra that could not shake him. Leonard: I don't know that I'd call myself an infection. Howard: A gallant man would defend his fianc e for being called a urethra. Leonard: Can we please change the subject? Penny: Hi. Raj: Well, that didn't go your way. Penny: Dr. Lorvis, what are you doing here? Dr Lorvis: Uh, well, actually I came to see you. Penny: Really? Why? Leonard: Ah, that's a good question. Apparently someone was being awfully flirty while not wearing their engagement ring, causing another someone to show up here thinking the first someone might be available. Sheldon: Oh, God. Don't make it so hard on her. Look, the first someone is the deceitful you. The second someone is the delightful Dr. Lorvis. Penny: Oh, this is very embarrassing. Dr. Lorvis, I am so sorry. I did not mean to lead you on. Dr Lorvis: You touched my arm for two Mississippis. Penny: Oh. That's why you were mumbling Mississippi. Leonard: Can we talk in private? Penny: Please, yes. Leonard: I'll be right back. Sheldon: So what other celebrity genitalia have you handled? Leonard: So, uh, what's the deal? You take off your ring when you go to work? Penny: What? No, no, I just put it on the other hand and turn it around. Keep that hand in my pocket. Leonard: Why? Penny: Well, what do you mean why? Look, I make more sales if these doctors think I'm single. I did the same kind of thing as a waitress. The real question is, what is he doing in your apartment? Leonard: Oh, he was upset. So Sheldon invited him in for a hot beverage. Penny: You were okay with that? Leonard: No. I got upset. And Sheldon made me a beverage, too. Penny: Okay, he just showed up at my door. Don't you think that's a little weird? Leonard: A little, but he's basically harmless. He's actually kind of a nice guy. Penny: Okay. Whatever, look, my company does not allow me to socialize with doctors outside of work. You got to get rid of him. Leonard: Why am I the one that has to get rid of him? Penny: I can't do it, he's my best client. Leonard: All right, I'll get rid of him. But you owe me one. Raj: Hey, we're going to Oliver's house to see his collection. You want to go with us? Leonard: Yeah, sure. You owe me. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Dr Lorvis' basement ] Leonard: Oh, my God. Sheldon: Leonard, I was wrong. Heaven does exist. And it's in the basement of a urologist's house in Sherman Oaks. Dr Lorvis: Welcome to my Fortress of Solitude. This is where I go to get away from all my other solitude. Howard: Oh, come on. It's a replica. Dr Lorvis: Original. Howard: Oh, I think I just cheated on my wife. Raj: The gun from Hellboy? Dr Lorvis: Yup. Raj: How did you get it? Dr Lorvis: Bought it at auction. Raj: Oh, I was hoping for a juicy tidbit about Ron Perlman's testicles. Woman's voice (O.C.): Oliver, I'm going to play bingo. Dr Lorvis: Okay, Mother. Have fun. Howard: Still lives with his ma. Yikes, right? Raj: Yeah, I'm not quite sure how to respond. Leonard: Wow, Donkey Kong. This, this was my game when I was a kid. Sheldon: Because it's a story of a pretty blonde girl tirelessly pursued by a small, oddly-shaped man? Leonard: No, because I liked it. Sheldon: Well, now, don't get defensive. You're oddly-shaped, but you got the girl. Dr Lorvis: So, I've noticed Leonard gets teased a lot 0about his relationship with Penny. Sheldon: Yes. If you'd like to join in, the premise is their love seems unlikely and doomed to failure. Dr Lorvis: So, you think she'll be single soon? Sheldon: Oh, if you want to get in on the pool, you're too late. All the squares have been purchased. Dr Lorvis: Interesting. Excuse me, I have to take care of something. Sheldon: Leonard, as your friend I feel I should tell you something. Leonard: What? Sheldon: I'm still upset about that peanut sauce. [SCENE_BREAK] [ The lobby ] Dr Lorvis: Oh, could you hold the door? Amy: Nice flowers. Dr Lorvis: Thank you. They're for a girl. Uh, I'm being implacable and relentless. Amy: Isn't she lucky? Dr Lorvis: She keeps sending me mixed signals. But I think we both want the same thing. Amy: What's that? Dr Lorvis: Unconditional love. Amy: I guess that's all anybody wants. Dr Lorvis: I guess so. Amy: Well, I hope you get it. Dr Lorvis: One Mississippi, two Mississippi. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Dr Lorvis' basement ] Leonard: Next game, let's switch helmets. Sheldon: No, I'd look silly in that helmet. [SCENE_BREAK] [ The stairwell ] Amy: I can't take these. Dr Lorvis: Why not? I mean, you want what I want. And we had two wonderful Mississippis. Amy: But what about the other girl? Dr Lorvis: Oh, right. I'll tell her we should just be friends. Penny: Dr. Lorvis? Dr Lorvis: Penny, we should just be friends. Happy? [SCENE_BREAK] [ Dr Lorvis' basement ] Raj: You think he bites? Howard: Stick your head in there and find out. Raj: You fooled me with that goat at the petting zoo. You will not fool me again. Leonard: I wonder where Dr. Lorvis is. He's been gone a while. Raj: Maybe he's playing bingo with his mommy. Howard: It's sad how some guys can't cut the apron strings. Raj: Okay, now you're messing with me. Leonard: Uh, guys, we're locked in here. Sheldon: Oh, this day just keeps getting better. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Penny's apartment ] Penny: So, you just left them alone playing games in your house? Dr Lorvis: Well, they seemed happy and I thought that would give me time for you and I to get to know each other better. That was before we met. Amy: We all have a past. Penny: Doc, you've got to see what you're doing is, is a little creepy. Dr Lorvis: You sound just like Sigourney Weaver when I followed her into a restroom. Penny: Okay, you can't just go chasing after every girl who's nice to you. Dr Lorvis: Well, that's not what Sheldon says. And he seems to know his way around the ladies. Penny (on phone): Hey, Leonard. Guess who's back. Dr. Lorvis. Yeah. You care to join us? What? You locked them in your basement? Dr Lorvis: Well, they're, they're not locked in. The door just sticks. Penny: Okay, so how do they unstick it? Dr Lorvis: They'd need the key. Penny: Okay. Nope. That's it. We are gonna go over there right now, and you are going to let them out. Dr Lorvis: Three Mississippi, four Mississippi. Penny: Move it. [SCENE_BREAK] [ The foyer ] Bernadette: Oh, good, you're here. Amy, I am so sorry. Amy: That has to wait. This weirdo locked the guys up in his basement. Bernadette: What? Dr Lorvis: She seems nice. Who's she? Penny: Just walk. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Dr Lorvis' basement ] Sheldon: You can do this. Raj: One ladder left. Leonard: Oh-hom yeah. Howard: Yes. Leonard: Next level. Penny: Leonard, are you okay? Leonard: Better than okay. I am having the game of my life. Amy: Dr. Lorvis, isn't there something you want to say? Dr Lorvis: Yes. I'm very sorry for locking you in my home. Howard: Yeah, that was very uncool. Get the hammer. Get the hammer. Leonard: Got it. Penny: Okay, Leonard, let's go. Leonard: Just hang on. Dr Lorvis: Well, while we wait, would you like to see Tobey Maguire's prostate sonogram? Amy: Sure. Penny: Yeah. Dr Lorvis: Oh, spoiler alert. He was worried about nothing.

Sheldon meets the middle-aged Dr. Lorvis who tracked down a flirty pharmaceutical sales rep, Penny. Leonard explains to him that Penny is his fiancée, so he walks away looking sad realizing that Penny only flirts with him for sales. Sheldon invites him inside for a hot beverage. When Penny gets wind of this, she asks Leonard to get rid of him as she cannot communicate with her clients outside of work. Lorvis turns out to be a celebrity urinary specialist with a huge sci-fi memorabilia collection which he invites the men to see. Earlier, Bernadette tells the girls that she has been picked as one of the fifty most beautiful scientists for an article in a magazine. The magazine cancels the article because Amy wrote an email of complaint about the article since they would not have written about handsome male scientists and are objectifying women. Bernadette claims Amy is jealous because she cannot express her sexuality, causing a hurt Amy to storm out. After Sheldon teases that the Penny-Leonard relationship is doomed to fail, Lorvis locks them in his basement to go after Penny again, but at the staircase, he meets Amy and falls in love with her, confusing Penny. When he reveals he locked the men in his basement, Penny proceeds to call him out on his actions as he is acting creepy, and cannot chase every woman that is nice to him. When Leonard realizes that the men are locked in and calls Penny, she and Amy urge Lorvis to help them get the men out; he meets Bernadette, who wants to apologize to Amy, and falls in love with her, too. The women go back to Lorvis' house only to find the men are too busy playing Donkey Kong to notice. To pass the time, Lorvis proceeds to show the women his memorabilia.

fd_Justified_04x05

fd_Justified_04x05_0

[PREVIOUSLY_ON] Art: Arlo didn't say anything about the I.D. or the bag. Raylan: Just got him to admit he knew it was hidden in the wall. Art: Why would your father do that? Raylan: You could ask him. But I get the feeling he ain't gonna say much. Art: Drew Thompson was wanted in a sealed federal witness warrant. Raylan: What'd he witness? Art: Well, I don't know. That's what "sealed" means. Drew saw Theo Tonin murder a Government informant. Tim: We've got to assume Barnes told Theo everything we know. He's gonna send an army after Drew. Wynn: I'm not looking for a partner. Johnny: I was the heir apparent. Boyd has never been nothing but a thorn in his Daddy's fat ass. What if I were to help you kill him? Boyd: sh1t. Look what the cat drug in. Ava: Ellen May. What are you doing here? Boyd: It'll be quick, Ava. One minute, she's here, and the next, she's gone. Colton: I got to take a piss. You pump, I'll pay. Okay. [ gun cocks ] Colton: Oh, sh1t. sh1t! sh1t! sh1t! Oh, Ellen May. Colton: Hey. Hey. Colton: I noticed you, uh, have some security cameras outside. I guess. Colton: Well, I was here with a young lady, and I went to take a leak. I went back to the truck, and she was gone. So I'd like to look at that video and see where she went. Oh, I-I'm not allowed to let anybody back there. Colton: Come on, man. No. No exceptions. Colton: You don't need to do that. Come on. Get your hand out from under there. No, sir. I don't think so. Colton: I want to show you something. Hey, I got a gun here. Colton: Hey, hey, relax. Relax. I'm military police. [ exhales deeply ] Colton: All right? I shouldn't even be telling you this. But that girl, she ran out before her hitch was up, and I am just trying to get her back to Fort Knox. [ laughs ] Can you help me out? Yeah, yeah, okay. Colton: Girl, where'd you go to? Is there another camera? Mm, just the one works. Wait. Hold up. Winona: You're here! Raylan: Yeah, I've been here ... 15 minutes. Winona: Oh, well, I don't know. You weren't here for the last two, so... Raylan: Brought you some coffee. Might be a little cold. Winona: Decaf? Raylan: Uh... You look fantastic. Winona: Thank you. Thanks. I feel good. Raylan: Yeah, you look great. Winona: Thank you. Now that I'm not throwing up all the time, I even managed to pick up some work doing freelance depositions and stuff. Raylan: You don't have to do that. I've been making extra money doing some side jobs. Winona: Oh. Okay. Art's okay with you doing side jobs now? Raylan: I'll tell you what Art's done. He's put me in charge of what could be the biggest case in our office's history. Winona: You gonna tell me the particulars? Raylan: Well, can't really talk about that. But I'm serious ... it could be a real game-changer. What? Winona: The baby's kicking. You want to feel it? Raylan: Yeah. Here? Winona: No, down here. Raylan: Does that hurt? Winona: Mnh-mnh. No. Raylan: Hey, little one. You got to lose the tail. Come out and read about your Daddy in the paper. Winona: Yeah? What section? Raylan: The job is still the job, you know. Winona: Yeah. Well, this baby lost its tail a little while ago, just so you know. Raylan: [ chuckles ] Well, I'm a little behind on my homework. But the point is, I'm gonna be here for you and the baby. Winona: That's really great. You know, when you didn't respond to my text telling you that the appointment had changed, I thought you just weren't gonna show up again. Raylan: When did you change it? Winona: Oh. You didn't get my text. So, if you didn't get my text, you're not ... you're not early. You are about a half-hour late. Raylan: sh1t. I got to call the office. Winona: Hey, Raylan? Raylan: Yeah? Winona: You're not staying for the appointment, are you? Raylan: This is Raylan. Rachel: How quickly can you be here? Raylan: For what? Art: Rachel. Come on. Rachel: Just get here ... now. On this lonely road trying to make it home doing it by my lonesome pissed off, who wants some? I'm fighting for my soul god get at your boy you try to bogard fall back, I go hard on this lonely road trying to make it home doing it by my lonesome pissed off, who wants some? I see them long, hard times to come. [ elevator bell dings ] Rachel: Files over here. They can go right over in here. Thank you. Vasquez. Agent Barkley. What in the hell is going on? Why do you have all my case files? Art: Well, it's simple, really. We petitioned D.O.J. to turn the Drew Thompson case over to us. On what grounds? Your guy as much as admitted he worked for the Detroit outfit just before he blew his brains out. We were onto Agent Barnes. I had opened up an investigation on him. The suicide taints the case. Look, Barkley, it's done. The Marshals are running it. ...turn over my life work so the Marshals... Arlo: Looks like we've got them all spun up. They want this so bad, they can taste it. But if you were to be incapacitated for some reason, they might use it as a pretext to nullify the deal. So it would be in your best interest to tell me the name, as well. I hope you understand ... this isn't just some fugitive hunt, Chief. This is a major criminal investigation that has been going on for decades! Art: We'll appreciate any help you can provide. Well, it's all in the case files. Anything you need from me, get a subpoena. Givens. My guess is, you're the one who's behind all this, huh? Raylan: What the hell are you talking about? I'm talking about payback from when I was coming after you. And I still think you're dirty. Raylan: Kiss my ass. Rachel: Agent Barkley. What? Rachel: A receipt for your files. Raylan: What the hell is going on? Art: Well, not much. Barkley's pissed off we took his case away from him. Raylan: Not with him ... with him. Art: [ clears throat ] You want to tell him, or should I? Art: You're not gonna like this. Mr. Vasquez, here, brought your Dad in to make a deal with him. Raylan: What's he want ... free cable? He's gonna hand over Drew Thompson. And in return, we're gonna let him walk. Art: If Drew Thompson is alive ... and your Daddy insists that he is ... then his testimony could bring down Theo Tonin. Yeah, and if we got a shot at Theo Tonin, we got to take it, right? Raylan: [ scoffs ] It makes sense. Fact that he killed a cop ... it's upsetting and all, but... yeah, I get it. Well, we don't have a lot of time to ... to wait and see if Barnes is the only bad apple, so we got to get to Drew Thompson before Detroit does. Raylan: How much time I got? What do you mean, how much time you got? Raylan: To find Drew Thompson and make sure my Daddy dies in prison. Well, once we have a deal, we still need written approval from Washington, so... maybe 24 hours. Art: Where you goin'? Raylan: Well, I figured I'd go back to where it started ... Harlan county. Any cats? Wynn: Do you see any cats? No. We're clear. Wynn: Welcome to Kentucky, Mr. Tonin. That's not Mr. Tonin. [ both laugh ] What's up, man? Hey! Oh, come on! What is that? Get that! [ chuckles ] Nick Augustine. Wynn: Wynn Duffy. You can stay. Your guys got to wait outside. [ clears throat ] Good to see you. Good to see you again. Yeah, he tell you we grew up together in the projects? Wynn: No. Yeah, long time ago. Long time. Yeah, he went to law school. I went to work for the Tonins. [ laughs ] Found myself in a little situation. Yeah, he walks into a setup. I hear "FBI. Nobody move." Yeah, so the genius, he takes off running. I run out the building. I go into another building. I'm looking for somewhere to hide. I find the bathroom. I'm hiding on the toilet, and I hear footsteps. Bam! I come in. I say, "hey, man, get off of the shitter. It's just me." I've never been so relieved in my life. And I've been protecting you ever since. Even so, Drew Thompson's alive. How'd you miss that, buddy? No, Nicky, Nicky, you got to know, uh, everybody missed that. I mean D.E.A., state police, local police ... all missed it. Point is, Theo ... is he upset? Theo's talking to the ear. You tell me. Uh, bottom line ... I don't think any of this is gonna pan out. I mean, the old man, Arlo Givens, is crazy. Okay, but if it does pan out, you got it handled? It's handled. I mean, we get a name, I am the first one in that door, and bam ... it's done. I'll just say he reached for a weapon. Problem solved. Theo wants him alive. No, no, Nicky, no. That's not the way it works. Oh. How's it work? [ both chuckle ] Once he is in custody, that's it. I-I mean, it's not like I could be checking him out like a book at the library. [ laughs ] Drew Thompson shot Theo in the eye and left him for dead on a runway in Panama. He stole $2 million worth of cocaine from the outfit. Losing that cocaine put Theo in a jam with some very nasty people. But you know what really hurt? Getting shot in the eye. He wants him alive. Wynn: I don't mean to intrude, but... I know the Crowders. I know Arlo Givens. If there's anything I can do... As a matter of fact, Wynn, that's what Theo wanted me to ... Hey, hey, hey, wait ... wait a minute. I-I can handle this. Jerry, are you sure? I'm sure. Just gonna be expensive. All right. How expensive? [SCENE_BREAK] Jerry, really? [ chuckles ] Is that really the price? Or are you just thinking about taking off with the money? [ both laugh ] Jesus, Nicky. What the hell kind of a question is that? Uh, fair. I mean, I've always been protecting you. I mean, we're friends. We are... But I heard the FBI doesn't even have the case anymore. The Marshals are running it. Where you hear that? Oh. Do you really think that you're the only guy Theo's got left in the FBI? Ugh! Mr. Tonin would like you to find Drew Thompson. Wynn: Not a problem. Can I help you? Colton: Yeah, I'm Colton Rhodes. I work for Boyd Crowder. I know. Colton: One of your deputies picked up a girl last night ... Name's Ellen May. She works for Ava Crowder. Let me check the blotter. [ keyboard clacking ] Oh. I've got a drunk-and-disorderly and, um... kid on meth tried to stick up a hardware store. That's it. No. One of your boys took her. You sure about that? Colton: Yeah, I'm sure about that. He picked her up at the reliable gas station. [ cellphone rings ] No, I got nothing on that. Colton: All right, look, man, I just thought you might appreciate me giving you the heads-up. That's all. You know, he's got me out there looking for her. Well, if I find anything out, should I call you at the bar? Or Audry's? Colton: Well, not unless you want Boyd knowing how bad your guys screwed this up. I'll call you. Whatever you say. Boyd: Line me up! We open yet? Johnny: Just about. Boyd: Well, if there ain't a line around the block, don't. We got a visitor coming by. A man from Frankfort gonna be here in five. Johnny: Wynn Duffy? Boyd: The same. Johnny: What the hell's he want? Boyd: Well, I know what I want him to want. Johnny: Bu... th... Dixie mafia just shows up like that out of the blue ... maybe he's not coming here to talk. Boyd: Well, in that eventuality, make sure that sawed-off behind the bar is close at hand. [ knock on door ] You got my back, cousin Johnny. Johnny: Always. [ knock on door ] Boyd: Wynn Duffy! Come on in. Colton: Hey. This a holiday? Boyd: Well, not the man I was looking for, but it'll do. I want you to have a seat. Where the hell you been all night? Colton: Sorry. I had my phone off. I had to sleep. I feel like I'm catching something. Boyd: Well, I'll ask about your cold once you tell me how it went with Ellen May. Colton: [ sighs ] It's done. Boyd: Where'd you do it? Colton: In the woods ... about a half-mile off the main. Boyd: What time? Colton: A little before midnight. Boyd: Where'd you put the body? Colton: In the slurry, like you told me to. Boyd: What were her last words? Colton: "I'm cold." [ pounding on door ] Boyd: Next time I reach out to you, I don't care if it's a smiley face. You text me back. Now, stand over by that bar and look mean. Mr. Duffy. Wynn: Mr. Crowder. Boyd: Well, I believe you know everybody here. Wynn: I should hope we're old friends by now. Boyd: Cousin Johnny, pour these two gentlemen a drink. Wynn: What a good idea. But first, we need to talk. Boyd: Well, follow me. Please ... have a seat. Wynn: Thank you, sir. And here I thought we'd begun to establish a basis of trust. Boyd: Well, Mr. Duffy, we are not trustworthy men. Wynn: There's no reason we can't work together to build a brighter future. Remember glasnost? Boyd: Well, perestroika happened at the same time. Now, you know what I want. Question is, what do you want? Well, what precipitated the change in your weather vane? Wynn: I need you to help me find someone. [SCENE_BREAK] [ engine shuts off ] Yeah, I got her. Raylan: Good. Yeah, she tried to run off and didn't get too far with that boot on. Raylan: Yeah, lucky you stabbed her last time, then. Thinking ahead. Hey, hey, Raylan, come here. When I caught up with her, you know what that little girl did? She offered to give me a blowjob. Can you believe that? Raylan: You didn't take her up on it? No! What ... what ... Raylan, I'm just saying ... Raylan: You're just saying. Yeah, exactly. Raylan: [ clears throat ] How's the foot? What do you think? Hurts. Had my braces tightened, and my mouth hurts, too. Raylan: Well, neither one of us gonna ask you to use it much. Just tell me the truth. You and your boyfriend went into Arlo's. You put one hole in the wall. Who told you the bag would be there? Your dad. Raylan: You don't know Arlo. Arlo don't know you. You better tell him, girl. I do, and he'll kick my ass. Raylan: Delicate little flower like you ... who'd do such a thing? All right. Josiah sent us. Raylan: Josiah? It's her stepdaddy. It's the one they strip metal for. Huh? He lives just up the road. Raylan: He there now? [ scoffs ] I guarantee it. Raylan: Josiah got a last name? Cairn. Raylan: Josiah Cairn is your stepdaddy? [ chuckles ] I know him. Say no more. And yeah, he might kick your ass. Well, wait ... what am I supposed to do? Raylan: Wait here with her till I get back. And both of you, keep your clothes on. Wha... [ engine shuts off ] Raylan: Josiah Cairn. [ car door closes ] Who the hell are you? Raylan: Oh, come on, man. I haven't forgotten you. Made an impression, did I? Raylan: You could say that. That bullshit you tried pulling after the mine explosion in '85 ... taking money from the widows to try to prove it was the mine's fault, then taking money from the mine to try to cover it up. Surprised to hear you're still in the game. You're Arlo's boy ... Marshal. Raylan: You knew that soon as you saw me ... just like you know why I'm here. Take your hands out of your pockets. I ain't got a clue. I'm retired. Raylan: Is that right? It was the young people drove me out. [ dogs bark ] No values no more. Raylan: Huh. Now I just... sit out in the sun, warm my belly like an old dog. Raylan: See you even got a collar. And most of my teeth, you come close enough. But you can check with the troopers. I ain't left this property in months. Raylan: Oh, no need to. Send your little girl and her boyfriend out to do your dirty work. [ laughs ] Now, where'd you get that idea? Raylan: She said Arlo asked you to go in the house and pull that bag out of the wall. Bag? Raylan: I don't have time for this sh1t, Josiah. Ain't got time for what sh1t? Raylan: [ inhales deeply ] How about you and me go for a drive? You can't do this! Raylan: Sure I can ... long as I got gas. No! I mean, this ain't legal! Raylan: Well, neither is impeding a federal investigation. God damn it! Slow down! Raylan: Soon as we get past your tether line or you tell me something worth hearing. All right, fine. I'll tell you where he's at. Raylan: Who's that? Jim Thompson. That's why you're here, ain't it? [ tires screech ] [ panting ] Raylan: I'm listening. [ panting continues ] Just let me catch my breath. [ engine revs ] All right, fine, asshole! He's with the hill people! [ panting ] Raylan: Bullshit. No! It ain't! Now, look ... Drew threw this fella out of a plane to fake his own death. Raylan: I know that part. Yeah, but when Drew jumped out, he busted both of his legs. Now, he got word to Bo and Arlo, and they made a deal. They got the cocaine, and he got a place to hide out and get doctored. Raylan: I don't know. It sounds iffy. No! It ain't! Look, the man was on the run. Where else could they take him? Now, them hill people patched him up, but he never did heal right. He's still up there with them, as one of their own. [ panting ] Raylan: [ sighs ] The hills, huh? [ strained ] Yeah. If ol' Drew's still alive, that's where you'll find him. [ panting ] Raylan: If I come down that mountain without him, you're gonna be my first stop. [ panting ] [ thud ] Raylan: ...and I just want my stuff. Oh, your keepsakes? Raylan: Yeah. Oh, they're in the back of my car, where you left them. Raylan: You can go, by the way. Are you sure you want to do this? Raylan: Where Josiah says he is. Uh, yeah, unless... Raylan: Unless what? Unless they ate him. Raylan: What? Raylan, you know they do that. Raylan: That's an old wives' tale, Bob. Well, look, a-at least take my go bag. Raylan: If it's all the same to you... I'll just take this. [ chuckling ] Well... Good luck. Raylan: See ya, Bob. Not likely. No, sir. Nice knowing you, Raylan. [ engine turns over ] [ music ] Raylan: Tim. Appreciate you coming down. Tim: Last chance to change your mind. I'm wearing my walking shoes. Raylan: Well, these people don't take to outsiders. I reckon this is about as far as you should go. Tim: I knew I should have brought my book. Raylan: Is it the one with the monsters and magic wands? Tim: No, it's a native american princess who controls invisible forest animals. Raylan: Ain't you too old for those? Tim: I don't know. I was probably too young to be blowing the head off Taliban. Guess it all evens out. Raylan: If I ain't back by nightfall, call in some of those ranger friends of yours. Tim: They sound cooler than they are. How about the 101st Airborne? Raylan: Death from above. There ya go. Tim: Or maybe I'll just call Art. Raylan: Perfect. Ava: What do you want? Johnny wants you. Ava: Well, tell him you can't find me. Johnny: Come on, Ava. Don't make a liar out of my girl. Ava: Jesus, Teri. You could have told me he was right behind you. Johnny: I'll meet you back in your trailer in five. You always that rough on her? [ Ava laughs ] Johnny, I don't mind you playing "easy rider" with one of my girls, but don't tell me how to run the place. Johnny: You packing up Ellen May's things? Waste of time now, ain't it? Ava: Uh, other girls don't know. I got to make a show about what I promised. Put all the stuff in a damn box and send it to Alabama. Johnny: Boyd tell you he's working for Duffy ... some secret mission? He tell you anything about that? Ava: I got no idea. Johnny: [ laughs ] Man tries to blow him up, and now he's got Boyd running around doing his errands. Ava: You afraid Boyd can't handle himself? Johnny: No, I am afraid that Duffy's gonna come in here and get us all keeping secrets ... get us all pinned up against each other. Ava: Look, if Boyd wanted you to know, I think he would have told you. Johnny: Oh. That's right, Ava. You're right. I'm just... forgetting my place. [ bird cawing ] Raylan: [ panting ] [ whistling in distance ] [ rustling ] [ shotguns cock ] My name is Raylan Givens. I come alone and with peaceful intent. Get up. Raylan: [ groans ] [ door slams ] Boyd: Hello, Raylan. [ insects buzzing ] Boyd: I don't suppose you've been up to see Josiah Cairn recently? Raylan: That guy's an asshole. Boyd: Did he tell you he's just an old dog sitting on a porch now? Raylan: [ laughs ] He scratched himself. Said kids today have no values. Boyd: Hmm. Raylan: You know, he sends his stepdaughter out to steal copper wire so she can pay for her own braces. Boyd: Well, I'll be. Still, I can see him sending you up to an early end, you being who you are, but I thought he and I were better friends than that. Raylan: Why's that? You got that "honor amongst dumbass thieves" thing? Boyd: "Dumbass"? Coming from the man sitting tied up next to me? Raylan: So, uh... Arlo takes the fall for you, and this is how you repay him, huh? Go out, look for Drew, try to screw up his deal? Boyd: Whole world's a tree, Raylan. I'm just a squirrel trying to get a nut. Raylan: Mm. Maybe you're just a puppet working for the Frankfort boys. Is that what you are now ... a puppet? Boyd: You want to start a fight, Raylan? 9 times out of 10, I'd be more than happy to accommodate. But right now, I think we got more pressing concerns. [ engine shuts off ] [ ignition dinging ] Tim: Nice boots. Where'd you serve? Colton: Ohh. [ chuckles ] Raylan: Hey, uh... hey, fellas? You guys are out there, right? I got a photograph here I think is gonna sort this whole thing out. Got to wait for Cope. Boyd: Who's Cope? Cope gonna decide how you die. Shut up, Daniel! Raylan: It's a picture of my Mama as a little girl. And the girl standing next to her is one of yours. Cousin Mary, my mama called her. If you like, I can poke my head in there with my rifle, let you jump me. Raylan: I'll stick it through the door if you like. I ain't stupid. Raylan: No, I'm not saying you are ... Look, I-it's Daniel, right? Daniel, come over here. [ door rattles ] [ shotgun cocks ] [ gunshot ] Boyd: Aah! Oh! Aah! Aah! I don't like your plan, Raylan! [ door slams ] [ groaning ] You were gonna jump me. How about you jump me now? Boyd: Well, it don't seem quite fair ... my hands tied a-a-and you with that rifle. Ungh! About as fair as it's gonna get. Raylan: [ groaning ] Agh! Oh! No! Cope! Cope!! Boyd: You better drop that rifle, boy! Stop! Stop it! Hey! Hey! Boyd: You better drop that rifle, boy! Hey! Hey! Ohh! Ohhh! No, sir. I'm sorry, Cope. It's all right, boy. I'm here now. Raylan: All right, listen. I don't want to kill you. And you don't want to be dead. Boyd: We're just looking for Drew Thompson. That ain't what Josiah told me when he called. Raylan: He called? Ain't the darkest Africa. We got a phone. Raylan: Well, you know Josiah, then you ought to know whatever comes out of his mouth is half-truth at best. I do some trading with the man. Barely know him. Still better than I know you. Raylan: Sir, I'm a Deputy U.S. Marshal. Josiah said you'd say that, too. Daniel, how about you just hum your tune now, boy? What a fellowship what a joy divine leaning on the everlasting arms [ humming loudly ] Rock fell on Daniel when he was a boy. Now, I love him in spite... but I would never give him a working gun. It's got no firing pin. [ shotgun uncocks ] Boyd: [ sighs ] [ humming continues ] Raylan: For the record, wasn't Daniel who let us loose. Boyd: That other one let us out, keen on knocking us around. He tried to trick us. This one here tried to tell us he's related to Mary. Raylan: It wasn't a trick. Hold up! Stop! You claiming kinship now, are ya? Raylan: Yes, sir. I am. Mary's your kin? My guess is, you know her pap's name? Raylan: Uh... Old Caleb White. God rest his soul. Raylan: You see, I had a photograph ... Maybe you know the unusual circumstances to Mary's uncle Lidon's demise. Everybody what's kin knows that story. Raylan: Can't say I do. Ever hear of Sanderson B? Boyd: I've heard of Sanderson B. I know him. We played pee-wee football together. There are mines up here been abandoned since 'fore I was born. Sanderson B shaft... is one of them. 171-foot vertical entry. That's gonna be your final resting place. Boyd: Well, hold on, now! We can talk about this. Raylan: Now, keep in mind, there's another Marshal at the bottom of this mountain. Yeah, he long-hair or the short-hair? Raylan: What are you talking about? We'll take care of him if he come up here. Boyd: Not that U.S. currency has any value up here, but if you'd be inclined to take it, I'd be more than happy to provide it ... You can stop talking now! Poking around for Drew. He'd have killed you his own self. Raylan: You saying he's here? Not here. Raylan: Hereabouts? Harlan county? Raylan Givens? Daniel, did you fetch her? Brought this to me. I see Frances in you. Raylan: You're Mary? Josiah said we best kill both of 'em. Not my cousin's boy. What about that one? You can have him. Boyd: Well, now, hold on a second! Raylan? Raylan! Raylan: Wait, wait, wait. Wait, wait, wait, Mary! [ breathes deeply ] Me being Marshal service, sworn to uphold the law and all, I get to the bottom of this mountain, I'll be compelled to report what happened up here. If you kill him, it could be bad for you. So, we're back to killing both of 'em? I say most expedient path would be to let 'em both go. [ sighs ] Man you're looking for ain't here. Was a time I thought he'd stay ... him near-helpless, me nursing him back to health. I woke up one day ... he's gone. Raylan: The way Cope said it, sounded like he didn't go far. Oh, said that, did he? Boyd: A fella with that much cocaine could parlay it into a lot of money ... make him a very powerful man. Your daddies took all that cocaine for themselves. Raylan: 'Course they did. That's another reason we're so proud of them. I don't know why Josiah told you Drew's still up here. Only time I seen him since he left was near 10 years ago at the Bluegrass festival, rubbing shoulders with the mayor, judge executive ... all them rich Clover hill folks. Didn't seem to notice me. Or didn't care to. You're looking for Drew Thompson... ...you're on the wrong hill. Boyd: I never knew you had hills in your blood, Raylan. Raylan: I do. Boyd: I'd whistle the theme song to "deliverance" if I thought you had a better sense of humor. Raylan: My mama was never embarrassed by it, but Arlo didn't like her talking about it. Boyd: Came in handy, though, didn't it? Raylan: Mm-hmm. Boyd: For our daddies 30 years ago, for us today. Raylan: Yep. Now here we are ... both in pursuit of a man our daddies went to great pains to hide. Boyd: [ laughs ] Well... I guess this is where we say "may the best man win." Raylan: Should we shake on it? Boyd: Ow! Aah! [ handcuffs click ] Raylan: What are you talking about, no sense of humor? This is funny. I know I'm laughing. Boyd: I've come to a conclusion. I don't like you, Raylan. Raylan: Never liked you much neither, Boyd. Boyd: [ grunts ] Colton: Well, it's a lot like here, if you think about it. Bunch of clans led by guys with beards, running around shooting at each other all the time. Tim: Except here, they're not speaking Pashto. Colton: They might as well be, though ... sometimes. Let me ask you ... you being with the Marshal service and all, you're really good at, like, finding people, right? Tim: I hope so. Colton: All right. Where do you start? Let's say someone just ups and disappears ... poof ... and they don't want to be found. Tim: You're interested, the Marshal service hires a lot of former military. An M.P. would be a prime candidate. If you got a phone number or an address, I can send you some information. Colton: Nah, I don't think so. [ laughs ] Raylan: Tim! Get to Vasquez. Tell him to put a hold on that Arlo deal. We got a line on Drew. He's here ... in Harlan. Tim: You telling me, in a matter of hours, you narrowed down this guy's location from anywhere in the world to one county? Raylan: Well, it wasn't as easy as it sounds. You waiting for Boyd? He's up the trail about a mile or so. You got a saw? You're gonna need a saw. Boyd: What I found out today, I expect I have your man Drew within the week. Wynn: That's impressive work, Mr. Crowder. Boyd: Not as impressive as what I'm about to ask for. Wynn: Is that right? Boyd: The new price for Drew is, I get half the heroin business in the state of Kentucky. Wynn: Really? And I thought $20,000 was generous. Boyd: And I thought you were serious about finding a man who's evaded the FBI for the better part of 30 years. Wynn: [ sighs ] Oh, Mr. Crowder, you are tenacious. I hate that in a person. You have a deal. Boyd: Well, it's a pleasure doing business with you, Wynn! Wynn: Yeah. Johnny: Well, hey, what the hell? I thought we had a deal. Wynn: Mr. Crowder, I can promise him a rocket ship and a goddamn unicorn. The point is, once he brings me Drew, he and I are done ... and you're free to kill him. Evening. Colton: Where's Ellen May? You all right, son? You want to come in, have a bite to eat? Colton: No, I just want the girl! Well, I talked to all of my Deputies, and it wasn't one of them. Colton: Yeah, bullshit. Someone's lying. I saw a Sheriff's car on the security tape. That's right. One of my deputies was there last night, and he saw a girl who fits Ellen May's description get waved over to an 18-wheeler. Said she seemed to recognize the man driving. Said she climbed right in. Colton: Which way did they go? That, I don't know. He thinks it had Tennessee plates. Lot of good that'll do with a long-haul trucker. Colton: sh1t. sh1t! I could check the weigh stations ... maybe get lucky. Colton: No, don't do anything yet. I will tell you if I need you. And don't bother Boyd with this. If you find something, talk to me. I'll handle it. Are we clear? I understand. You believe me now? Boyd and Ava intended that man to kill you. The way Boyd had me press that preacher's sister, I figure... you must know something that could hurt him real bad. But y-you ... you invited him in here. W-what if he did come in and see me? I'd have shot him. I ain't gonna let anybody hurt you, Ellen May. But I got a job to do... and I can't do it alone. If you're willing... ...maybe you can help me bring down Boyd Crowder. Boyd: I was disappointed to hear about this deal Arlo's poised to make to give him his freedom. Disappointed? I don't understand. Boyd: Well, disappointed I didn't hear it from you. I'm ... I am Arlo Givens' attorney. Boyd: On my dime. Colleague of mine some time ago had a man come into his office, lay down money in front of him, get him to break confidentiality. Soon as he did, 10 federal agents busted in and carted him off. Boyd: Well, miss Gable, that is very good to hear. What is? Boyd: That the only thing you're concerned about ... Ah. ...is getting caught. Now, that's for getting Arlo that deal. And that... is for shutting that deal down. [ chuckles lightly ] [ ignition dinging ] [ dinging stops ] Raylan: Josiah! It's Raylan Givens. Back for another chat. I've already been shot at through a door once today, thank you. Best not make it twice. How the hell did you do that? Well, my goodness.

With scrutiny of a 30-year-old case involving a dead parachutist increasing, prisoner Arlo Givens, Raylan's father, decides to disclose the location of Drew Thompson for a full pardon. Raylan doesn't want this to happen, so he intensifies his search for Drew Thompson so that his father's information is no longer valuable, thereby removing his father's play to get out of jail. Detroit mobsters also want to find Drew Thompson for assorted reasons. First, Drew Thompson's former wife said Thompson witnessed head gangster Tonin kill a federal witness. Second, a Tonin henchman says Thompson previously shot Tonin in the eye. Last, the drugs displayed in the first scene of the current season apparently disappeared. The Detroit criminals enlist Wynn Duffy, a member of a southern criminal organization, to help find Thompson. Duffy gets the help of Harlan County criminal boss Boyd Crowder to find Thompson. Raylan finds the girl that broke into Arlo's house earlier to find out who put her up to the job. She points Raylan in the direction of her stepfather, Josiah Cairn ( Gerald McRaney ). Cairn tells Raylan that Drew Thompson is with the hill people. Raylan goes to the hills, but is set up to get killed by the hill people because Cairn called them and told them to kill Raylan. After Raylan manages to escape, he returns to Cairn's house at night. Instead of finding Cairn, Raylan finds Cairn's severed foot.

fd_Alias_04x09

fd_Alias_04x09_0

Our first set of "Previously on Alias"! Sydney's "She's supposed to be dead" and Jack's "So are a lot of people..." Clipped scene of the "boutique fight" "She can have the blouse..." Sloane: "I believe that if the two of you go out on this mission, and Anna Espinosa has her way, only one of you will return...alive." During the surveillance mission, Sydney: "Let's take her..." Henchman: "Bad idea..." -Shortened version of Nadia/Henchman fight. -Shortened version of Sydney chasing Anna. -Nadia leaning over henchman as he whispers in her ear. Nadia and Sydney almost shooting each other and then Anna shooting Nadia. Open to Sloane shoving open a hospital door and stalking down a hospital corridor. He walks over to stand next to Sydney, who is watching her sister through the glass outside her room. Sydney turns and sees Sloane beside her and then looks away again. Cut to the heartrate monitor and then slide to Nadia lying unconscious in bed with an oxygen mask over her nose and mouth. Cut to Sloane's reaction to seeing his daughter that way; he's definited moved. Sydney: The surgeons in Estonia got the bullet out. She's stabilized, but the internal bleeding was severe. Sloane: They put her in a coma. Sydney: Until she recovers at least basic metabolic function...48 hours at least, they think. Sydney meets Sloane's eyes. He looks hurt and worried. Sydney looks away is if she feels guilty. Sydney: I'm sorry. Sloane: It was Anna Espinosa. She did this. Sydney: Anna...has got the bomb. We didn't stop her. Sydney looks down again as if ashamed. Sloane's phone rings. With him still staring at Sydney he answers the phone. Sloane: I said I'm not to be bothered. (pauses, listening) I'll be right there. Sloane closes up his cell phone and walks away. Cut to elevator doors opening. We see the bottom third of a handtruck and several men "guarding" it. On the handtruck, we see a man's feet and legs from the knee down, dressed in what appears to be grey prison garb. As the entourage turns and starts to walk down the APO hallway leading to the office, the camera pans up to take in the man's hands in handcuffs in front of him and straps holding him to the handtruck. His head is covered over with a black bag. As he's wheeled into the office, other random APO workers stop and stare. Cut to the man being strapped into a chair, and then the guard removes the bag to reaveal Julian Sark, who finds himself seated across the table from Arvin Sloane. Sark stares at Sloane for a moment and then begins to smirk. Sark: This is...classic. Cut to a monitor showing that scene and then pull back to reveal Jack and Dixon watching. Dixon: Is this really the only way to get intel on the CRF? Jack: You disagree with my methods. Dixon: Sloane signed an agreement with Langley. He's prohibited from engaging with certain operatives...Sark is on that list. Jack: Sark will only negotiate openly if he feels he's met his intellectual match. As Acting Director, I'll take full responsibility. Dixon nods his understanding. Cut back to Sark and Sloane. Sark: Four years ago, if I'm not mistaken, you convinced a small army they worked for the CIA, when in fact, they worked for you. However you convinced the US Government into offerring you the real thing is a story I'm dying to hear. Suffice to say, Arvin...you have my undying admiration. Sloane doesn't say anything, just slides a manila folder across the table toward Sark and waits for him to open it. Inside are pictures of mutilated bodies. Sloane: You recognize those men? They were going to help you escape our custody in Johannesburg. Turn the page. Sark does, and he sees another picture of someone who's been killed. Apparently it's not pretty, because Sark looks a little uncomfortable. Sloane: An object lesson. This is what we will do to you if you refuse to cooperate. (pauses for effect) Now...how do we retrieve the bomb? Sark: The Cadmus Revolutionary Front is run by a man named Ushek San'ko. We worked together under my last employer. Jack searches the CIA database as Sark continues to talk. Sark: He'll be taking possession of the bomb shortly. Jack (to Dixon): I've got him. Sark: I told Mr. Vaughn in Johannesburg, I would help you infiltrate CRF and retrieve this bomb from San'ko...and I promise you, I will. You have my word. Sloane: Your word. Sark: Which has a considerably greater value than when you knew me last. Incarceration has given me a sense of...perspective. Sloane (in a scoffing, almost condescending tone): Well, I'll consider that. Sark: But first, I have a demand. I've heard from unreliable sources that Lauren Reed...is dead. Now, I've filed numerous requests about her status; all have gone unanswered. What I want...is to visit her grave. I want to see her body for myself. Sloane sits as if weighing this demand, and then says with a sigh, Sloane: I'll arrange transport. Sloane gets up and starts to leave. Sark: There's something else. Sloane turns back to look at him. Cut to Sydney and Vaughn, walking through an APO hallway. Sydney: I heard about Sark. He didn't give you anything in South Africa? Vaughn: Nah...He was on to us from the beginning. They're questioning him now. If Sark can give us intel on how to stop the CRF, we still have a chance. Sydney: We can't depend on Sark. Vaughn: I understand he's cutting a deal. Sydney makes a face. Vaughn: Look, I don't like it any more than you do, but if listening to him helps us get the bomb back, I can live with it. Sydney: Well, even if you're right, what if Anna gets away? Vaughn gives Sydney an empathetic look. Jack walks up to them and stops. Jack: Sark has agreed to lead us to Ushek San'ko, the leader of CRF. We believe San'ko can provide us operational intelligence that will allow us to stop Anna and recover the weapon. Sydney: When do we leave? Jack: He has, however, made a demand...(looks at Vaughn) which involves you. Sydney looks at Vaughn worriedly. Vaughn puts up an stoic face, preparing himself for whatever he's about to hear. Jack: He wants to exhume your wife's body. Sydney closes her eyes and flinches empathetically for Vaughn. Vaughn looks as if he doesn't quite know how to react to that. He glances at Sydney, looks down in troubled thought, swallows audibly, and then, Vaughn (tightly): Fine. Let him. Sydney sneaks a glance at Vaughn to guage how he's taking the news. Jack: That's not all. Sark has demanded that you open her coffin for him. Vaughn looks down and away: anger, pain, guilt, hatred and disgust mingle on his face. Sydney: No! Jack: Agent Vaughn? Sydney: You can't order him to do this! Jack: I'm not ordering; I'm asking. (to Vaughn) Sark's participation, leading us to CRF, stopping Anna is dependent... Vaughn (very tightly, cutting Jack off): I'll do it. Sydney looks up at him in reaction, almost surprised he was willing to do it, knowing how much Lauren's death still haunts him. Vaughn eyes meet Jack's and he swallows audibly again, almost as if swallowing his own disgust at what he now has to do. CUT TO BLACK Alias Theme. (Or, Now is the time in Alias when we dance!) Cut to nighttime establishing shot of LA via helicopter. Cut to several men entering a darkened room. The lights go on and we see it is Vaughn and an armed detail guarding a handcuffed Sark. The room is some sort of mausoleum. Sark (to Vaughn): This is where you keep her? Vaughn bends down and pushes against a screen in front of one of the drawers. Vaughn: For security reasons, some bodies aren't allowed a public grave. In this case, we didn't want Lauren's death to become public knowledge. Vaughn puts his hand inside the box behind the opened screen and a light turns from red to green. Vaughn stands and pushes a button and the drawer unlocks and starts to open. Sark watches the covered drawer slowly slide open as Vaughn assesses Sark. Vaughn (snarky): This make you feel better...watching this happen? Sark (quietly): It gives me hope...that I can still achieve closure. Vaughn stands in front of the drawer and slows its movement to a stop. Vaughn (sarcastic): Guys like you don't believe in "closure". That would actually require you care about something. Sark: Perhaps that's true. Perhaps all I can hope for is a moment for us all to share: you, me... (looking down at the drawer) her. Vaughn purses his lips in annoyance and looks away. Sark: And in letting go of the subterfuge, we can finally admit the truth: Your wife loved me. Not even death can change that. Vaughn glares at him. Sark: Do it. Open it. Vaughn nods for a moment and purses his lips in tense anger. Vaughn (voice gravelly, still sarcastic): You want your moment? Here, take it. Vaughn grabs the lid to the drawer and, looking away, pulls it up. He rubs at his nose and walks away. He stands several feet from the drawer, arms crossed, turned about 90 degrees so that he doesn't have to look at the body. Slowly, Sark, his hands cuffed in front of him, approaches the drawer and kneels down. Vaughn sneaks a sideways peek and Sark and then looks away again. The look on his face tells us how much this is costing him, both having to be near Lauren again, and having to do this for Sark. Sark purses his lips, as the sight of Lauren in the drawer obviously affects him, as if he'd been hoping until that moment that it weren't true. Slowly, he starts to unzip the body bag that surrounds Lauren from the neck down. Vaughn immediately reacts to the sound of the zipper. Vaughn (suddenly, vehemently): Stop! Sark slowly looks up at Vaughn and says softly, Sark: My agreement, Mr. Vaughn, allows for this. Vaughn looks away and swallows and steels himself. Sark continues to unzip, pulling the flaps of the bag aside to reveal a gunshot wound in the area of Lauren's heart, and then two bulletholes on the other side of her chest. Seeing the bullet wounds affects Sark; his grief shows on his face. Sark (almost to himself): And a perfect triangle at that... (a little louder, bitterly) consistent with CIA training. He stands up and stares at Vaughn, as if betrayed. Sark (accusing): It was you. Vaughn turns toward him, showing no remorse. Sark (accusing): You did this. Vaughn (hard, steely, not giving an inch): Yes, I did. Sark purses his lips and Vaughn looks away. Sark kneels before the body again and tries to hold back a sob of grief. Vaughn, turned away from Sark, looks slightly guilty. After several moments, Sark stands and tries to compose himself again. Sark (pained): I'll take you to CRF... Vaughn looks over at Sark for a moment, almost as if he were surprised at how easily Sark gave in, nods slightly and looks away again. Sark (softly): But I want you to face what you did. Vaughn turns to look at Sark. A split second of surprise and then dread crosses his face before he steels himself and then looks down at Lauren's body. For the first time, we actually see Lauren's face as she lies dead in the drawer. Vaughn takes a deep breath as if steadying himself, and then another as he stares at Lauren's face. A host of emotions cross his face: guilt, bitterness, anger, betrayal, sadness and finally the tiniest bit of grief. Slowly, he raises his eyes and meets Sark's. Sark turns his eyes to look down at Lauren again and Vaughn turns his face away, looking as if it's only with sheer willpower that he's able to hold himself together in front of Sark. Cut to Sydney talking on her cell phone outside Nadia's hospital room. Sydney: Do a search for "Black Widow"; it was one of Anna's callsigns. Who knows, she might still use it. Dixon, will you call me if you find anything? (pauses, listening) Okay. She turns off her cell phone as Weiss, sitting in a chair just outside of Nadia's room stands up. They both look as Sloane walks out of Nadia's room. Weiss (to Sloane): Is there anything you need? Sloane (shaking his head wearily): No. Weiss leaves Sydney and Sloane alone, and enters Nadia's room. Sloane: You shouldn't blame yourself, Sydney. I certainly don't hold you responsible for what happened to Nadia. I've said this before; Anna won't kill Nadia. She can't. Sydney: After all this, you still believe. Sloane: Sydney...my daughter lies there in a medically-induced coma. What else do I have but my faith? Sydney looks away in thought, and then a red light on the ceiling in the hallway starts to blink and an alarm starts to sound. Voice on intercom: All patients and personnel, please remain calm. Weiss turns and walks out into the hallway, approaching Sydney and Sloane. Voice: We experienced a small fire in the subbasement. Please proceed to the nearest exit in an orderly manner. Weiss draws his gun. Sloane: There should be a security detail in the building. Sydney: Stay with Nadia until they get here. Sydney and Weiss take off down the hallway, guns drawn. Cut to patients and personnel evacuating. We see one nurse walking the other direction. She turns, and we see it is actually Anna Espinosa. Cut to Sydney jogging up the staircase. Cut to Weiss and he rounds a corner with gun drawn and starts down a hallway. He gets to the end of a hall and starts up the staircase. Cut to Anna, who had ducked into a room on that floor. She walks down the hallway and into Nadia's room, where she is covered from head to toe with a blanket. Anna takes three shots and we see the blood starting to seep out the holes before she turns and starts to leave. Sydney enters the otherwise empty floor and starts trading gunfire with Anna. As Sydney ducks for cover, Anna breaks the glass on the fire hose, wraps it around her arm a few times and then approaches the window at the end of the hallway, emptying her clip into the window and then jumping out. Sydney runs toward the sound, but seeing the taut hose, knows she's too late. Cut back to Anna as she dangles a story from the ground and she jumps, safely reaching the ground. Sydney watches Anna sprint away into the night, then turns to run to Nadia's room. Running into the room and seeing the blood on the blankets, she grabs the blanket in dread, whips it back and sees...piles of bagged blood pints on pillows in the otherwise empty bed. Sloane: Nadia's next door. Sydney whips around at the sound of Sloane's voice. Sloane: I thought it prudent to change her room until her extraction arrived. CUT TO BLACK Cut to Nadia being relocated to Medical Services at APO. Jack (to Sloane): The doctors at the hospital assured me that Nadia will be able to complete her recovery here. Cut to an unconscious Nadia as nurses and doctors scramble around her, getting her settled. Sloane: Anna came after us, Jack. In a public place. Jack: The operative question is: Why? Anna has the bomb, why come back for Nadia? Sloane (menacing) : I don't care about her agenda. That woman is a threat; I want her destroyed. Jack: Your daughter has just been attacked. I understand that...but this is not the time to react emotionally. Sloane (still menacing): Whatever it takes; you find Anna. Whatever corners you have to cut, whatever favors you have to call in, do it...but find her. Eliminate her. Jack: And what about your faith...that Nadia will survive? Sloane: Oh...This isn't about faith. Cut to Marshall in his office, watching a security feed on a screen in his office, talking to Jack. Marshall: Well, it took me a while to patch into the security system in Estonia...the firewall was a piece of cake, but the CCTV was rigged with a fluctuating log-on and...(looks at Jack)you don't really care...about... The point is, I did manage to hack in. By the way, is it just me or...does fast-forward make you a little nauseated? Jack (ignoring last question): Do we have audio? Marshall: All we have is raw video feed, but, fortunately I wrote a voice-reconstruction program based on lip movements a few years ago and...check this out. Marshall runs the part of the tape where Nadia is convincing the henchman to talk. Nadia (with stilted computerized voice): Why is CRF assembling this bomb? What do they have planned? Nadia leans forward as the man speaks in her ear. Watching the feed, Jack says, Jack: What did he say? Marshall: Well, that I couldn't rebuild. But...look at this...you see that shadow, right there in the background? Well, I enhanced the detail, and...look at that! Marshall focuses in on it and clarfies it. It's Anna, watching as her henchman talks to Nadia. Jack: That's why Anna came after her in the hospital. Marshall: Excuse me? But Jack is already walking off. Marshall:I don't...under...stand...(louder to Jack's retreating form) You're welcome! Cut to Sydney and Vaughn in the APO briefing room. Vaughn (showing Sydney the classified section of the newspaper): Sark gave us the contact protocol to meet with CRF; its a coded message in the classified ads. If all goes as he says it will, we should have a response by the evening edition. Sydney: And then what? You and I go in there alone? Vaughn (smiling): You mean as in a glorified date? Sydney (smiling also): That's not what I meant, but is it? Vaughn: No, not exactly. We've got to take Sark with us. He insists we won't get in the front door without him...so we rely on the explosive tracking device we put in his neck. If he tries to burn us in any way--sabotage, escape, whatever-- Sydney: We take him out. Vaughn nods and Sydney nods grimly in response. Sydney's face quickly dims and she stares at her fidgeting hands. After a moment, Vaughn puts his hand over hers in a comforting way. Vaughn: Hey...Nadia's gonna make it. Cut to Nadia's hospital room at APO. A nurse is monitoring her and has just attached a heartrate monitor to Nadia's finger. Cut to Jack talking to Dr. Jain. Jack: You're monitoring Agent Santos' progress. If she were to be...awaked from her coma early, what risks would she be exposed to? Dr. Jain: It would increase stress on her circulatory system. The quicker you revive her, the higher the risk of shock, heart attack, stroke. Is there some reason to wake her? Jack: Not yet. Jack looks away in troubled thought. Cut to CIA transport plane. Cut to Sydney, Vaughn, and Sark in the cargo hold of the airplane. Sydney: The man we're meeting with, Ushek San'ko...what else can you tell us about him? Sark: San'ko's expertise is coordinating terrorist activity. Vaughn: And you're convinced he'll know where the bomb is? Sark: I'm quite certain he's the one who tasked Anna to get it. Following our protocol, he took out a series of ads in response to mine. This one here says I'm to meet him in a club in Venice where we've done business before. It says I'm to come alone. Vaughn (in disbelief): Alone!? That's interesting. Sark: I gave you my word, Mr. Vaughn. Am I to take it that you don't trust me? Vaughn: You're about to betray one of your former partners; it doesn't really instill faith in your loyalty. Sark: My past infidelities are just that; mistakes I've learned from...repented for. I've become a trustworthy man. Vaughn: Well, the answer's no. Where you go; we go. Sark and Vaughn look at each other for a long moment, then Sark turns to study Sydney as well. Sark purses his lips just slightly, as if it bothers him they don't believe him, but can understand why. Then he says, Sark: Well, Lauren and I, we set up a weapons deal with San'ko before the Covenant imploded. The thing is, he's never met her face to face. All he knows is her voice. Sydney straightens in her chair when she realizes what Sark is getting at, and then glances at Vaughn to gauge his reaction. Vaughn looks back at Sydney, worried. Cut to Sydney in a wavy blond wig. She is putting blue contacts in her eyes. She adjusts her hair, applies blush, eye pencil, mascara to her eyebrows to darken them, clear lip gloss. Cut to Jack apprehensively looking through the glass in Nadia's hospital door into the room, where Sloane sits in vigil at Nadia's bedside. Cut back to Sydney putting the finishing touches to her look. She is dressed only in a black silk bathrobe. As she fixes the fit on her wig, cut to Vaughn, watching her progress with the disguise as if seeing Sydney dressed as Lauren just brings back all those painful and angry memories of being duped. Still, he seems transfixed; like a car wreck he can't turn his eyes from. Sydney notices him standing there and turns to face him. Putting on Lauren's air and accent, she says, Sydney: How's this? Quietly, his Adam's apple bobbing, Vaughn answers, Vaughn: Perfect. CUT TO BLACK (V)ENICE Cut to a strange nightclub built like a large stairwell. The bottom floor has a seating area, otherwise everyone is congretated on the staircase, talking and drinking and swaying to the loud music. As we pan down the stairwell, we see Vaughn dressed appropriately in a black leather jacket, leaning on the corner of the armrail, keeping lookout on the bottom floor. Cut to Sydney, dressed in a semi-kinky black dress with a buckles holding the bust together. Vaughn watches Sydney and Sark's progress as they sit on a couch in the middle of the floor, giving Vaughn an excellent position for reconnaisance. Sark is appropriately dressed in a black shirt and black dress pants. Sark (as they sit down): I must, uh, tell you...Lauren and I had a... reputation; certain intimacies were public knowledge. We must maintain appearances. Sydney glances up at Vaughn and then balances herself on the arm of the couch next to Sark. Sydney (rolling her eyes): Dream on, you perverted freak. Cut to San'ko and his girlfriend walking toward them and sitting down opposite them. San'ko: Mr. Sark! Sark: San'ko. It's good to see you. San'ko: And you must be...Lauren Reed. Sydney tips her head to the side in a cold-shoulderish gesture of acknowledgement. San'ko: What a pleasure to meet you after so long. San'ko grasps Sydney's hand and places a kiss across her fingers. Sydney (in Lauren accent): The pleasure's all mine...obviously. San'ko: So...let us toast! To CRF, hmm? San'ko pours tequila into glasses for them. Cut to Vaughn watching apprehensively from above. Sydney and Sark each take one of the glasses, and San'ko raises his. San'ko: Salud! Sydney and Sark each drink their shot in one gulp; San'ko drinks half of it and then pours the other half in his girlfriend's cleavage and slurps it out. He takes a lusty bite from his lime as Sydney looks on. San'ko: So...what is the nature of your business? Sark: We represent certain interests that stand to profit should the market fall...If you would provide us with some insider information, we would be happy to split the profits. San'ko: How nice of you! Information about what? Sark: Our sources tell us you've just acquired a chemical bomb. What do you intend to do with it? San'ko: Which weapon are you talking about? Sydney: The one you hired Anna Espinosa to steal. San'ko doesn't answer, just looks surprised. Either that, or he doesn't know what Sydney's talking about. She stands abruptly. Sydney: Obviously you've never heard of her. Sorry to waste your time. San'ko (to Sydney): You want something from me? (He leans forward in his chair, closer to Sydney) I want something from you, my dear. Sydney sits back down. Sydney: And what is that? San'ko: Mr. Sark has told me about your...predilictions. I have a room above this club. I'd like to watch that...for myself. Sark looks up at Sydney in amusement, obviously both because she didn't believe him earlier, and also to see how she will react. Vaughn, from his vantage point, tells Sydney through her comms, Vaughn: You have my permission to kill him, if you'd like... (meaning Sark) Sydney leans forward in her chair and picks up another shot of tequila. Sydney: I'm sure Julian's told you that we never mix business with pleasure. Sydney places a lime with the pulp facing out in between Sark's lips, drinks the tequila and then pounces on Sark's lips, kissing him deeply as she sucks at the lime. San'ko is quite obviously enjoying this show. Just as obviously, Vaughn is not enjoying the show. As Sydney extracts the lime from Sark's mouth, she gives him a nip on his lip for good measure that draws blood. Sark says "ow" and touches the spot, realizing he's been blooded. San'ko looks incredibly turned on and pleased and starts to laugh. Dabbing the blood from his lip with a napkin, Sark says, Sark: I told you she was special. [SCENE_BREAK] Cut to Sydney, still sucking on the lime (now the long way), her eyes pinned on San'ko. San'ko: Ohhhh, yes...she is indeed special. San'ko lifts his glass to drink another shot, (and probably planning on extracting the lime from Sydney)...when he is shot in the neck, shattering his glass. He grabs at his neck and falls sideways as Sark and Sydney duck. Vaughn pulls his pistol and looks up as San'ko's bodyguard is taken out also from higher up the staircase from Vaughn. Sark and Sydney start to take cover. Sydney (to Vaughn): Anna! Vaughn (to Sydney): Above us. Sydney (to Vaughn): I'll take the lead; we'll cover each other's corners. Vaughn turns to start following Anna. Sydney turns to Sark. Sark: Give me a gun; I can help! Sydney pulls out a set of handcuffs and cuffs Sark to the staircase. Sydney: Stay here and shut up. Anna takes a couple of shots at Vaughn as he follows, but misses. Sydney catches up to Vaughn, and takes the lead. Anna tries shooting at Sydney, but misses also, hitting the metal staircase railing instead. They get to the top of the stairs, but Anna is gone. A door opens out onto a street. Sydney: Let's get Sark. We might still be able to cut her off. They rush down the stairs...but Sark is gone, his handcuff undone, the other still attached to the handrail. Cut to Anna, three of her henchmen...and Sark, walking down a hallway. They exit the building and out to the riverbank where a small speedboat awaits. Cut to Syd and Vaughn as they climb down the stairs of the club to the outside. Cut to the speedboat as it pulls away around the corner. Cut to Anna putting on a surgical glove and approaching Sark. Sark: What are you doing? Anna: There is an explosive device in your neck. Sark: Wait, how do you know that? Anna (to henchman): There's no time for painkillers; hold him down. (to Sark) Don't move! Anna cuts into the side of Sark's neck. Sark: Please! Ughh...God! Cut to Syd and Vaughn. Vaughn has used the tracking device and located Sark's signal. Vaughn pulls the detonator out of his pocket. Vaughn: Syd, we have to blow the tracking device. Sydney: Vaughn, wait a second... Vaughn: No...it's our backup protocol. Sydney: No, no, no...wait. He might lead us to Anna. Vaughn: He's out of our custody; we can't take that chance. We have to blow it now. Cut back to the boat, where Anna pulls the tracking device from Sark's neck and throws it out of the boat into the river. Cut to Vaughn's finger as the activates the detonator. Suddenly, the screen on the locator goes dark and reads "Signal Lost". Sydney: What happened? Vaughn: It failed. Cut to the boat. Anna extends a hand to Sark, and Sark shakes it. Anna: Anna Espinosa. Sark holds a cloth to the wound in his neck with the other hand. His face is all sweaty; the extraction of the chip caused him a good deal of pain. Sark: Julian Sark. It's nice to meet you. CUT TO BLACK Cut to an evening establishing shot of the canals of Venice. Cut to Sydney, who has pulled off her "Lauren" wig, but it still otherwise dressed in costume, pacing the hotel room, talking to Jack on the phone. Sydney: We played right into her hands. Anna killed San'ko in front of our eyes and then distracted us long enough to grab Sark. Sydney dumps the "Lauren" wig onto the bed. Jack (over phone): You couldn't have predicted this. He had no intelligence suggesting the two shared a history or an agenda. Sydney: Still, I should have considered it was a possibility. Cut to Jack in his office at APO. Jack: We need to focus on where Anna and Sark are headed with the bomb. Contact all your sources; see if anyone has heard anything. Cut back to Sydney. Sydney: I'll check back on the hour. Cut back to Jack. Jack: Good. Jack looks up and then starts to walk out of his office. He's met at his doorway by Dixon. Dixon: APO is monitoring traffic. We've called in every favor we can to get Sark and Anna on difference intelligence radars. Considering the destructive capacity of the bomb they have in their posession, they're going to take extra precautions to cover their tracks. At this point, we'll take anything we can get. As Dixon walks away, we focus on Jack's face and the realization of what he knows he must now do. Cut to an elevator door opening onto the Medical Services wing. Jack exits the elevator. He surreptitiously looks around to see if anyone notices him, and then walks into a medical supply room. Once there, he locates a specific vial, removes it from the fridge and grabs a sterile syringe. After looking in the window of Nadia's room, he enters and stands beside Nadia. He reaches into his jacket and pulls out the already loaded syringe and injects the medicine into Nadia's IV tube. Jack sits down in the chair next to Nadia, then reaches out and brushes the hair off of her forehead in an almost fatherly gesture, intimating that it is not his intention to harm her, but that he had no more options. We hear the heart monitor start beeping more rapidly, then Nadia takes a deep breath inward, her head moving to the side as her eyes flutter. Sleepily, Nadia shoves the oxygen mask away from her face as Jack watches on with worry. Cut to a full plate of food. Pan up to find Sark sitting in front of it, not eating. As he looks up, Anna walks into the room with a bottle of wine and two glasses. She places them down on the table and says with a smile, Anna: Not talking? I thought after a year in a maximum security prison, that...you would appreciate a decent meal. Anna pours wine into the glasses. Sark: "Beware a summit that begins with shared bread; the sated man is at his weakest." Anna looks at him and then sits down across from him. Anna: Who said that? Sark: A Vietnamese general I had dinner with once. By dessert, I put a bullet between his eyes. Anna gives him a "Touche" look and then reaches across the table with her fork, spears a piece of asparagus from Sark's plate and eats it. Sark notes that his food is not poisoned and gives a slight smile before saying, Sark: I appreciate the rescue...I assume there's a price. Anna: When I heard of a young man so ruthless in his shifting allegiances that he killed his own father...I thought, "This is a man I am fated to work with." Sark smiles, but does not say anything, so Anna continues, Anna: My aim tonight was Ushek San'ko's head. CRF is a...weak organization. No vision, considering the power of the bomb I stole for them, and...they did not pay me nearly enough. Sark: So you decided to go into business for yourself. Anna: I thought it an appropriate time. Sark smiles as if impressed. Anna: And then I spotted you in the club... Sark: ...and you saw your opportunity. Anna: Yes. Sark (as if trying the idea on for size): A partnership...my brains, your skills... Anna (smiling): You flatter yourself, but something like that. Anna takes a sip of her wine. Sark: I must tell you, selling a bomb on the black market can be tricky. Anna: I already have a buyer in mind... Sark takes a sip of his wine. Anna: ...right here in this very city. Michel Guinot. Sark: A man with whom I have an excellent credit rating. Anna: Yes, Mr. Sark... I know you do. Sark gives Anna a hint of a smile and deliberately takes a bite of his food and eats it. She raises her glass to him and takes a sip. Jack: Anna is selling the bomb to a man named Michel Guinot, gateway of all arms sales in and out of Central Russia. Cut to Sydney and Vaughn in their hotel room. Vaughn is packing while Sydney talks on the phone to her father. Jack (over phone): Guinot's on the watch list. We have surveillance coverage. Sydney: Where'd the intel come from? Cut back to Jack. Jack: Classified...but reliable. Your mission is to intercept the bomb and detain the principals. Cut to Sydney. Sydney: Do we have a confirmed location for the meet between Anna and Sark? Cut to Jack, sitting at the desk in his office. Jack: Guinot's on the move to a property he owns; a graveyard. He's been known to hold meets there. Marshall's sending coordinates. If this meet goes through, Sydney, both Anna and Sark will be in the wind. We may never have this opportunity again. Cut to Sloane, walking down a hallway of Medical Services toward Nadia's room. He is stopped in the hallway outside of Nadia's room by Dr. Jain. Sloane looks inside as Dr. Jain speaks, Dr. Jain: We called as soon as there was any change. Inside, we see an awake but groggy Nadia with a nurse attending to her and Weiss at her bedside. Sloane: When did she wake up? Dr. Jain: A few minutes ago, but she's fine; out of the woods. Sloane (hoarse with emotion): Thank you. Dr. Jain: There was an irregularity we thought you should see. Niloxin's a drug we use to wean patients out of medically induced comas. Your daughter had four times the amount we normally use. Sloane looks up at the doctor in shock. Dr. Jain: Mr. Sloane...Nadia didn't just...wake up. Someone did this to her, and I believe I know who it is. Off of Sloane's reaction, we, CUT TO BLACK Panning from a foreign skyline by day to an open courtyard, the words "Venice, Italy" are superimposed. Three men stand in wait in the courtyard. Cut to ground level as Sark and Anna pull up to the edge of the courtyard via gondola and disembark. The man who is obviously in charge, who we can assume is Michel Guinot asks in French, Guinot (in French): Is that you, Mr. Sark? Sark (in French): Oui. Guinot (in French): How long has it been since you've been out of prison? Sark (in English): About fourteen hours. Miss Espinosa was kind enough to set me free. Sark and Anna come to stand across the courtyard from Guinot, guarded by one of his guards. Guinot (in French): You vouch for this woman as a business partner? Sark (in English): She came here with me, didn't she? Guinot (to Anna): Madamoiselle Espinosa. (bows slightly in greeting) As the buyer, I dictate certain terms, starting with good faith on your part. Put your weapon on the stone, please. Anna walks forward and places a briefcase on the edge of the step for the fountain and opens it to reveal a small bomb about the size of an hourglass. Then she steps away to allow Guinot to inspect it. Guinot: It's very nice. Cut to Syd and Vaughn watching the exchange from a roof on the edge of the courtyard. Syd (quietly): Let's go. They move away from the edge of the roof. Cut to Guinot shutting the suitcase and stepping backward. Anna: Is the device acceptable to you, Monsieur Guinot? Guinot: It is. Sydney and Vaughn get into position at the edge of the courtyard. Anna: And the price...is that acceptable also? Guinot reaches into his coat pocket and extracts a cell phone and dials a number. Cut back to Syd and Vaughn, still jockeying for position. Guinot (in French): Guinot. Wire twenty million dollars to the account I gave you earlier today. Merci. Vaughn walks down another corridor to set up across the courtyard from Sydney. Vaughn (quietly in comms): Give me ten seconds. Cut to Sydney still watching. Vaughn stops and looks quickly around a corner, ready. Cut back to Guinot, Sark and Anna. Guinot: The transfer is almost complete. Guinot smiles at Anna and Anna turns to look triumphantly to Sark. Sydney (on comms): Go. Sydney shoots one guard; Vaughn takes out the other. Guinot grabs the suitcase and runs one way, Anna and Sark run the other way. As they chase, Vaughn says, Vaughn: You get Sark. I'll go after the bomb. Cut to Vaughn running down a hallway. Cut to Sydney running down a different hallway and looking down a hallway, not finding Anna or Sark. Cut back to Vaughn, who has almost caught up to Guinot. As they run down a set of stairs, Vaughn jumps Guinot and they tumble to the landing. A short fistfight ensues. Guinot drops the suitcase and the bomb drops out, clattering down the next set of stairs one step at a time. Vaughn catches up to it just as it has rolled across another landing and is about to drop into the river. Cut to Sark, running down a hallway. Anna sees him and starts to follow. Sark rounds a corner, looks over his shoulder, almost as if to make sure that Anna is following, and then runs on. He gets to the end of the hallway, bursts through a wrought iron gate, then quickly turns and locks it behind him, just in time for Anna to be locked in. In horror, she asks, Anna: What are you doing!? Sark (calling out loudly): Sydney! Cut to Sydney as she stops walking and listens. Cut back to Sark, who stares at Anna through the gate as he speaks. Sark: I'm a man of my word! He stares at Anna for just a moment longer and then turns and starts to walk away. Anna (desperately): I will kill you! You b*st*rd! She turns and looks back down the hallway. Cut to Sydney who rounds a corner with gun drawn. Anna has taken down one of the heavy metal gilt light sconces and uses it as a battering ram, whacking Sydney in the stomach with it. Sydney's gun goes skittering off. Anna drops the sconce as they begin to fight. They trade a couple of punches and kicks and then Anna sweeps Sydney's feet out from under her quickly, causing Sydney to flip over and land on her back hard. While Sydney is winded and struggling to get up, Anna crawls toward her like a cat nearing it's prey and punches her wickedly across the face and then stands to viciously kick her in the face. Sydney falls over backward and Anna grabs the sconce whacks it full force into Sydney's stomach. Standing over Sydney as she struggles to stand, Anna holds the sconce across Sydney's neck and pulls her up from behind and starts strangling her. It appears that Anna firmly has the upper hand, but then Sydney runs up the wall and flips over Anna's back, taking the sconce with her. She kicks Anna against the wall and then whacks her in the back kidney-punch style, and Anna crumples to the floor. Sydney drops the sconce and pulls out a ziptie and puts around Anna's hands and pulls it tight. Sydney (winded): The United States Government has some questions for you. Suddenly we see a hand shove Sydney's gun across the floor to her. Sydney looks over to find Vaughn standing there. Sydney picks up the gun and holds it for several seconds as if she is going to shoot Anna in the face, and then instead uses her elbow to knock Anna out. Vaughn walks toward Sydney and then takes her in his arms. Sydney: We got her. Vaughn: Yes, we did. They hug for a moment and then Sydney says apologetically, Sydney: Sark... Vaughn: We'll get him back. They continue to hug. Cut to daytime establishing shot of LA via helicopter. Cut to Nadia's bedside where Weiss is entertaining her with magic tricks. Weiss (pulling a long line of colorful handkerchiefs from his hand): Now, most people attribute the words "Abra Cadabra" to Houdini. That's not actually the case. What it... (suddenly pulls a bouquet of magician's flowers from his sleeve, which startles Nadia, and then she laughs) Okay...okay...that was not supposed to happen... Weiss walks around to the other side of Nadia's bed as she looks on, beaming with amusement. Weiss: You know what? Keep 'em. There's a knock on the door behind them and Weiss turns around to see Sydney. Sydney: Can I come in? Weiss: Hey! Yeah, sure. I'll be out in the hallway entertaining sick people, if you need me... Weiss leaves. Sydney sits down next to Nadia's bed. Nadia: Como estas? Sydney: I'm good. You? Nadia: Better. (pause) So, you got her? Sydney(nodding): Mmmhmm. Nadia: And the bomb? Sydney: Yeah, we got that, too. Nadia (teasing): And hey...we didn't kill each other... Sydney: Nope. They smile at each other. Cut to Jack signing paperwork in his office as Sloane enters. Jack finishes signing and caps his pen. Jack: My closing report as acting Director. The job's yours again. Sloane (tentatively, as if testing Jack's reaction): Nadia's out of her coma. Jack (standing): Thank God she pulled through. Sloane: God had nothing to do with it. Her medical chart indicates that someone injected her with a counteragent in order to wake her up. As a professional courtesy, I would like you to justify your decision. Jack rounds the desk to stand right in front of Sloane. Jack: Your words: Do whatever it takes to stop Anna. We stopped Anna. You also indicated this wasn't Nadia's time, that she would pull through. (Slightly snarky) Don't tell me you're losing your faith? Sloane (his voice quiet, but you can tell he's royally ticked off): When I stepped down as Director of this Task Force, you had full discretion. I'm not going to argue with your choice because the mission was a success..but I would appreciate it as a father to be apprised of your (through clenched teeth) decision to put my daughter's life...at risk. Jack (not backing down one inch): As you do mine every day. Sloane (speechless for a split second, then): When I accepted this position, I made two agreements: one with Langley...and one with you. A pact. Jack: That's still in effect. Sloane: But only because my daughter is unhurt. (sarcasm) I wonder, Jack...what assurance do I have that you will continue to honor it? Jack just stares at him, his jaw clenching, then turns abruptly and walks away. Cut to Sloane watching Jack's retreating back, a menacing look on his face. CUT TO BLACK

Espinosa's bomb is assembled and ready for sale. Sark claims to be a man of his word and helps Sydney capture Espinosa while securing his own escape. Jack wakes Nadia prematurely to gain intel on the Cadmus Revolutionary Front. When Sloane confronts him, Jack claims to be a man of his word as well.

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ZBZ HOUSE - Dining room Casey : Fluff up your pom-poms, ladies. This weekend our very own Titans are taking on the A&M Farmhands in the Basketball Conference Championship! There'll be tons going on this week. Starting tomorrow night with the Spirit Social at Dobler's and ending with the game on Saturday. Everyone, bring your Titan spirit! Laura : Actually, a few slacking sisters didn't make study hours this week so they unfortunately can't attend the Spirit Social tomorrow night. The following pledges : Mandi, Brenda and Rebecca. Casey : Who will be missing two of ZBZ's great traditions: supporting our basketball team and flirting with our basketball players. Mandy : This is so not fair. Laura : And it wouldn't be fair if you enjoyed the same privileges as girls who've pulled twice their weight. Casey : Speaking of twice their weight. Rebecca : Sorry, totally lost track of time. I was at Kappa Tau. Casey : Where you've been every time there were study hours this week. Rebecca : I have a 3.0. What, I have to be a Rhodes scholar now, too? Casey : We'll be thinking of you when we're brushing up against our very hot, very agile basketball team. And the rest of you, I'll see at Dobler's. Laura : Hold on, sorry. One more. An active. Ashleigh missed study hours this week, too. Casey : Ash ? KAPPA TAU HOUSE - Living room Wade : Bedposts. Cappie : Toughest roll in bowling. Spitter, come here. All right, you're gonna want to hit the seven pin at an angle, and launch it into the ten pin, right? Rusty : Can I have an ibuprofen first? Cappie : No pain, no ten bucks from Wade. Now, strap in. We are green for go. Cappie : Come on! Keep going. Come on! Who told you? Ten bucks. Hold up. What was that? Was that the phone? Beaver : It's the call! Cappie : Nope, not the call. Constable. What seems to be the trouble? Cop : You guys are over the designated Greek noise limit. Cappie : Noise limit? Cop : Yeah. I was just walking the Row when this little guy hit 82 D's right outside your house. I haven't seen readings like that since the Hannah Montana concert. And I don't apologize for being a fan. Cappie : It's... It's the middle of the day! Yeah. Cop : You boys stay out of treble. Cappie : Treble. Good one. Yeah, shutting the door now. Cop : I just said treble instead of trouble. Cappie : Yeah. Because there's a B in it! My God, these restrictions! What's next? We'll have to stop throwing pledges off the roof? Wade : Spitter, get it! Rusty : By the glory of God and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, you have reached the CRU chapter of the Kappa Tau Fraternity. This is Pledge Cartwright... Cappie : Spitter! Rusty : Pledge Spitter speaking. To which brother may I direct your... Wade : No, just ask who it is! Rusty : Who's calling? Wade : We haven't won in 25 years. Rusty : Then we're due. Cappie : Was it the ticket office? Rusty : Yeah. We won some kind of lottery. Cappie : Not just "some kind" of lottery, Spitter, but the best seats to the Conference Basketball Finals, where we will paint our faces, scream like idiots, and embarrass ourselves and our hallowed alma mater on national TV. Courtside! All : Yeah! Credits ZBZ HOUSE - Ashleigh & Casey's room Casey : How could you skip Study Hours during Spirit Week? Ashleigh : Spirit Week doesn't just happen, Case. It requires planning. Which means, as Social Chair, I have to sit in meetings with other Social Chairs to discuss fresh, fun places for Spirit Night. Because I missed study hours to do it, my reward is an evening sharing Cheesaritos and textbooks with a bunch of pledges while the rest of you party all night. Casey : Wait. I'll be all alone. What if that Lambda Sig ass-clown Shane's at the Spirit Social tomorrow night? Who's going to shoot dirty looks at him for me? Ashleigh : I would've. My grades are great. Why do I have to do stupid study hours? Casey : Rules suck. In the house, out of the house... Remember when we didn't have restrictions? Ashleigh : When we didn't have party patrol stamping our hand that we're 21? I know I'm 21. Casey : Or keg limits. Or curfews. Ashleigh : I hate curfews! I miss boys raiding our fridge after parties. You think they miss our Hot Pockets? Casey : I think I'm over all rules. Everywhere, ever. You know what? Screw it. You've done our house a huge service, Ashleigh Howard, so I'm granting you a presidential pardon on this week's study hours. Ashleigh : Can you do that? Casey : Well, I'm doing it now. Ashleigh : I knew our friendship would pay off big time some day. Yeah! CRU - Street Tina : Hey, frat boy. Rusty : Tina. You OK walking with the enemy? Tina : Thanks to all my time around Dale, I'm learning to separate the sinner from the sin. Rusty : You can't be spending that much time with him. I haven't seen you in weeks. Tina : Did you miss me? Rusty : Maybe. So, you probably hate basketball and think it's this gender-biased boys'club... Tina : I love basketball! I actually play a pretty mean point guard. Very aggressive. Rusty : I'd expect nothing less. Dale : Hey, Rusty. Hey, U-SAG flier? Greeks are weak. Fight the power, brother. Girl : Hey, they're gonna trash the leftover pizza at the World Hunger Club if anyone would like some! Sanjay : Pizza. I'm done for the day. Dale : Sanjay... Carol... You guys are faithless! Rusty : Looks like anti-Greek sentiment has fizzled. Dale : We just need a new approach. Hey, sir. Man : Dale. Dale : Could I interest you in a free stress test? Man : Sure. Tina : So, why were you asking me about basketball? Rusty : The Conference Finals are Saturday. I was thinking maybe you'd want to go with me. Dale : Where are you going? Tina : I'd love to. Rusty : Great. They're courtside seats. We can paint our faces or something. Dale : How'd you get courtside? Tickets aren't on sale yet. Rusty : It's this lottery thing, for all the houses. Tina : You mean, only the Greeks were eligible? Rusty : No, I mean, we can bring guests. So... Hey, what if we paint a "G" on my chest and an "O" on yours? Dale : Rusty, you might want to rethink that. Tina : Wait, why should your frats be rewarded for exclusivity? Rusty : OK, because Greeks have always been the biggest supporters. And if you think about it, without our houses, U- SAG probably wouldn't exist. Tina : So, we should thank polluters for spawning environmental groups? Dale : Point, Tina. Rusty : Which maybe I should contact since you decimated half a rainforest printing these fliers. Dale : Nice volley Rus. Tina : The frats won't print rush propaganda next year? Interesting. Dale : This is like Wimbledon. Rusty : Oh, my God. Dale : He's a divine messenger. Tina : Cool. Cappie : Titans, halt. Hey, we're here for our Conference Championship tickets. You might have heard that, Kappa Tau is the winning house. Man : Kappa Tau... You egged the Central State team bus last year, right? Cappie : If we can expedite this, we're late for Dobler's. Man : Sure. Uh-oh! Cappie : What "uh-oh?" What's wrong? Man : There's a problem with the tickets. Cappie : No, no, there should be no... Can you check again? This is kind of the most important thing that's ever happened to us. So... Man : I'm trying. It won't let me release them. Cappie : Well... Beaver : Give us the tickets! Cappie : Beaver. Beaver, calm down. Calm down I'll take care. I'll take care of this. I am so sorry. Can you please just... CRU - DOBLERS Evan : Nice hat. Cappie : I demand satisfaction. Evan : Satisfaction? Ashleigh : Where are you going? Casey : It's Evan and Cappie. Ashleigh : You're not dating either of them. Maybe one of them will throw a punch. Cappie : I want our tickets! Casey : Hey, guys. What's up? Evan : Some, student group complained about Greeks being the only students in the ticket lottery so. After talks with the dean and consulting with the other houses... Cappie : Skip to the part where we get our tickets. Evan : Since we're still working to have the administration lighten up on us, we decided that making an issue of the tickets now could result in jeopardizing the bigger picture. Casey : Which means we could lose the battle and the war. Evan : Yeah. Our main focus has to be on ending the restrictions. And, as administration liaison, I have the dean's ear. Cappie : His rear? Evan : And what he wants is for us to toe the line. Now it's about playing by the rules. Cappie : We have! There's been no brawling, no hazing, no drunken peeing in the Olympic pool... Casey : I heard... Cappie : We weren't drunk. Casey :Look, Cap, we play ball now, down the road we'll be in the position to take back the reins. And the tickets. Cappie : I don't want to play ball, I want to watch it, courtside! This weekend. Evan : We're not sticking our necks out, and antagonizing the dean and the Board of Administrators just to free up your tickets. Besides, from what I've heard, the Kappa Taus have all the tickets they can handle. Casey : Evan. Cappie : Because the Kappa Taus still remember what it's like to have fun. You know fun, Evs? F-U... Evan : "N"? Cappie : Nope. That's it. ZBZ HOUSE - Hallway Casey : I learned so much from that center from Australia. Seven feet is so the new six-one. Ashleigh : I know, right? Who knew it could be so hot talking straight into a guy's pecs? Rebecca : Did I miss something? Are study hours no longer required? Casey : We're talking, Becks. Who had the biggest hands? Number 22 or 46? Rebecca : No, seriously. Why did Ashleigh get to go tonight while the rest of us sat around and pretended to study? Casey : As ZBZ President, I pardoned her. Ashleigh missed study hours planning the social events. Not hanging out at Kappa Tau. Rebecca : With your ex-boyfriend? Casey : Which is totally irrelevant. Rebecca : Right. What about the fact that she's your best friend? Is that irrelevant? No one asked any of the pledges if we had good excuses for not going. What are the rules on a president showing favoritism to her best friend? Mandy : She's so awesome. Brenda : I know. Right? CRU - Dale & Rusty's room Rusty : Hey, did you have anything to do with the dean freezing our basketball tickets? Dale : No, that was more Tina's idea. It's pretty great? Rusty : Yeah, real great, Dale. Dale : Rusty, U-SAG needed an issue to rally people and now we have one. We've got 90 signatures for a resolution to abolish the Greek ticket lottery altogether. We'll present it at the Board of Administrators meeting. Tina's out right now getting more signatures. Rusty : Why can't you two just stop your assault on the Greeks? Dale : Rusty, from Dionysus to your present-day acolytes, the Greeks have embraced nothing but sacrilege and lust. I can't stand by. Rusty : These aren't real names. Dale : What do you mean? Rusty : Look. Colonel Mustard? Butts McGee? Dale : All right, this one's real. Haywood Jablome. Rusty : That's not how you pronounce that. I mean. Think about it. Dale : All right, well, well, there's some jokers on here, but most of these are fine. Can you believe it? U- SAG's been reborn. Resurrections rock. ZBZ HOUSE - Dining room Rebecca : It's Watergate all over again. Mandy : I know. I still can't believe she pardoned her and we couldn't go. It's so stupid. Rebecca : Madam President. Casey : This is ridiculous. I'm just going to apologize. Ashleigh : Good idea. Frannie : I wouldn't if I were you. Casey : OK, everybody, it's time to clear the air. I admit it, I made a mistake. So there's only one thing I can do. Rebecca : Resign? Casey : Apologize. In my mind I was making a small exception for Ashleigh because of the work she was doing for the house, and I realize now it might seem unfair to not give the same treatment to everyone else. So for this week, I'm fully pardoning the rest of the pledges. I stepped over the line, and abused my position as president and I was wrong. I screwed up. And I'm sorry. Frannie : Accepted, Case. No biggie. Ashleigh : Works for me. Casey : Thanks, everyone. CRU - Street Cappie : Why would you discuss the exclusively-Greek ticket lottery with the head of a group that hates Greeks? Rusty : I was actually talking about it to a girl. I was trying to impress her. She's part of U-SAG, too. She's infuriating, but she's really kinda cute. Cappie : Just like you, Spitter. Has it occurred to you that all the girls you like hate the Greeks? You should really talk to someone about that. But not your roommate. Listen, Spitter, don't sweat it, OK We'll just make a virtue of this self-destructive vice of yours. Follow your heart. Stay close to Ms. U-SAG. See what their next move is. Rusty : Be a spy. Like Jason Bourne. Cappie : Or like the monkey in Raiders of the Lost Ark. Rusty : What're you gonna do? Cappie : I'm gonna handle the other part of the equation. All right, now run along, little monkey. Dean Bowman. Nice goat. Very distinguished. Dean Bowman : It's a Van Dyke. Cappie : How racy of you to say so, sir. Dean Bowman : Make it quick, Mr. Cappie, I'm busy. Cappie : OK, all right. OK, hypothetically, let's say a bully comes along and steals a boy's lunch, and now that boy is real hungry. Dean Bowman : Tragic. The bully shouldn't be stealing lunches. Cappie : You agree that the lunch be returned to the rightful owner. Dean Bowman : Absolutely. Unless the rightful owner only had the lunch in the first place because he had exclusive rights to the sandwich shop. Cappie : No said anything about a sandwich shop. Maybe he made the sandwich at home. Dean Bowman : Maybe But that wouldn't fit the metaphor. Cappie : Are we speaking metaphorically? OK, OK. We'd like our tickets back. And now I'm kind of hungry. I wouldn't mind some lunch. Dean Bowman : The fate of the tickets is in the hands of the Board of Administrators. Personally, I believe the lottery should be rescinded permanently. The Greek system doesn't deserve special treatment, especially after last semester's incidents. This is all part of the new rules. Cappie : Which are overkill! Dean Bowman : Overkill or not, they're the rules. And we all have to live by them. Otherwise, there'd be chaos. Cappie : Chaos? Tina : No winning tickets with a Greek-only lottery. Thank you. Rusty : Hey, Tina. What a coincidence. What are you doing here? I had no idea you'd be out here. What are you up to? Tina : Getting signatures to bolster our position at the Board meeting. What are you up to? Rusty : What makes you think I'm up to anything? Tina : Because you're acting all nicey-nice. You still want to go to the basketball game together? Rusty : Well, that's kind of tricky, since I no longer have any tickets. And you know that, because you're the reason that I and... and my brothers, we don't have any. Tina : Well, you can still get some. Just wait in line like everybody else. Rusty : I don't care that much about going to the game. Tina : Then why did you ask me to go with you? You're really not making much sense, Rusty. Rusty : Oh, my God! ZBZ HOUSE - Bathroom Casey : Excited about the game, Mandi? You going? Mandi : I don't know. Casey : Well, you're totally free and clear to go and have fun. Rebecca : Thanks, Big Sis. How presidential of you. Brenda : Can I skip study hours next week, Casey? I need to help plan our philanthropy project. Rebecca : That sounds like a good excuse to me. Casey : I screwed up. I said so. There will be no more exceptions. Two wrongs don't make a right. Mandi : But wait. My boyfriend is gonna be in town for a few days. I want to spend as much time with him as possible. Brenda : Is boyfriend time a pardonable offense? Mandi : He's pre-med. We could practice CPR during study hours then I could teach it to the house. Rebecca : Excellent! Casey : OK, you guys, can't we just let this go? Mandi : Yeah, sure. I mean, it's not like my love life is more important than giving your BFF the opportunity to ogle hot jocks at Dobler's. Casey : Thanks a lot. Rebecca : Pardon me? You were saying? CRU - Street Dean Bowman : Thanks. Good night. Thank you. Have a good evening. Jeez. Wade : You are way above the Greek noise limit! Dean Bowman : Hysterical. Now get out of here. Cappie : Before we do sir, if you wouldn't mind blowing into this before you drive your lovely date home. Dean Bowman : I will not. What is this? Cappie : That? That's a 500-dollar ticket. Dean Bowman : In crayon? Beaver : I noticed you had a keg in there. According to campus regulations you were supposed to check Ids and pass out wristbands. Dean Bowman : Everyone was over 50. Beaver : How'd you know if you didn't card 'em? Dean Bowman : We all need to live by the rules. Cappie : Your exact words, if I'm not mistaken. Wade : Exact words. Dean Bowman : Excuse me, Sloan. And your solution to rules you don't like would be...? Cappie : Change them? Dean Bowman : You really willing to do what it takes to change the rules? Cappie : OK, but no kissing. It's too personal. Dean Bowman : If you want your tickets back, come to the Board of Administrators meeting tomorrow afternoon. Present your case. Cappie : Great, we'll talk some b-ball. Get our tickets back before the game. Dean Bowman : We're not just talking about the ticket lottery. Cappie : We're not? Dean Bowman : No. I plan to recommend that all the restrictions be made permanent. You argue the Greek position. If you can convince the board, you win, the tickets are yours and the Greeks will get all their privileges back. Cappie : And, if I don't convince them? Dean Bowman : You lose it all. For good. Good night. Cappie : Good night. Beaver : 'Night. Wade : Drive safely. Dean Bowman : Thanks. KAPPA TAU HOUSE - Living room Evan : Well, nice work, man. You made this a huge deal when it didn't need to be. Cappie : Must use last bomb wisely. Evan : Are you listening? Now the fate of the entire Greek system is in the hands of a flaky, alcoholic degenerate. Cappie : I am not an alcoholic. I'm Skulltar, intergalactic hero. Evan : Look, I typed these up for you, Cappie. They're talking points for today. Consider them damage control and a gift. Cappie : Do not need them. I've got a gravity blaster with an entropy shield. I should be fine. Evan : Point n 1: "Greeks provide housing that the school will have to make up for should restrictions drive students from rush." Cappie : Point two: "The Chrilon Nebula is the source of all planetary grief." Hey! All right. I think I'll be just fine without your talking points. Go paddle up your back channel, Evan-escence. Leave the up-front stuff to me. Evan : You're playing Fight Night, Skulltar. Cappie : I am? CRU - DOBLERS Evan : I don't even get a "hello" anymore? I'm gonna really have to rethink this whole friendship thing, Case. Casey : I didn't even see you there. I guess I'm a little distracted. Evan : Go ahead, sit down. I could use a break. Casey : Sorry, I... Force of habit. Evan : It's OK. It's not mine. Casey : So, what are you doing? Evan : Background check on the professors on the Board of Administrators. Seeing if there's any strings I can pull. I might have to do some influence peddling. Casey : You really think Cappie's going to tank this thing? Well, the Zbzs will be in the front row to show our support. Evan : Yeah, no offense, but I think the Zbzs should probably lay low on this one. Just 'cause we don't want to remind the board where all the restrictions started. Casey : Right. Rules suck. Evan : Yeah. Casey : I think we should make a rule against rules. Evan : You would have my vote. Casey : I could use it. I sort made this presidential decision that the girls aren't too keen on. Rebecca called me out and the reaction has been crazy. I apologized, but no one's buying it. Evan : What'd Frannie say? Casey : You're not serious. Evan : I know Frannie's made some pretty big mistakes, but she and I talked a bit during the ZBZ days. She actually gave me some really good advice. People can surprise you. CRU - Dale & Rusty 's room Rusty : Hey. Tina : Hey, yourself. Dale : Behold, Rusty. The U-SAG heart beats strong. Hey, Sanjay, give me my phone sheet. I'm gonna roll some calls. Sanjay : U- SAG, Greeks are weak. Tina : I'll get the phone sheet. Dale : Yeah, thank you. Rusty : Dale, this is our room, not yours. Dale : I'm trying to calculate how much funds we have for a media buy. Tina : Sorry. Rusty : Dale, why are you doing this to me? Dale : More boldface. Go crazy with the boldface. To you? Rusty, this is for you, OK? The way I see it, I'm saving your peeps from eternal damnation. I'm your own personal "Get Out of Hell Free" card. Rusty : Why are you wearing a suit? Dale : It's for my speech. Rusty : Your speech? Tina : We got 300 signatures. Dale : I am the vessel through which those voices must be heard. ZBZ HOUSE - Living room Casey : Frannie, can I talk to you? Frannie : Of course. What's up? Casey : I was hoping I could get some advice about the house. Frannie : Absolutely. Anything I can do. Casey : It's about the whole study hours debacle. Frannie : Some of the girls are starting to dismiss you? Disregard you? Casey : Yep. Frannie : Case, there's a reason why bees have a queen. Otherwise, it's just a big hive mentality. The girls are starting to question your authority and you need to stop the swarm before they revolt. Casey : You're saying I've lost control? Frannie : You will if you keep trying to win them over with honey. You're the president, poodle. You're not one of them anymore. Casey : But how do I turn this back around? I said I was sorry publicly. Frannie : Did President Ford apologize for pardoning Nixon? Casey : No. Frannie : Do you think you were wrong to pardon Ashleigh? Casey : Not completely. Frannie : Then stop apologizing. They want their pound of flesh. Hell, they'll take every pound you give them. But they don't need it. One pound is all they get. Set up a forum, let them vent, and then shut them down. Casey : Vent, shut down. Frannie : You can't show people where they need to go if you don't step out in front. [SCENE_BREAK] KT HOUSE - Cappie's room Rebecca : Admit it. A little humble pie now and then is good for Princess Cartwright. Cappie : You know my stance on Ex and Becks fighting. Rebecca : I know, you're Switzerland. That's a big no on the headdress, Pocahontas. Cappie : Come on. I'll score points with the anthropology professor. Spitter, what do you think? Native American headdress or Scottish kilt? Maybe both. Rusty : Forget the costumes, Cappie. You need to focus on your speech. Because U-SAG is gaining some serious traction and Dale's gonna be speaking for them against you at the meeting today. Cappie : Well, I'll just have to go naked, then. Rebecca : Welcome to 40 minutes ago. Rusty : This isn't a joke, Cap. Dale's got a secret weapon. Cappie : You've never seen me naked. Rusty : It's this girl, Tina. She is relentless, man. She's constantly disagreeing, taking the opposite position, saying these really annoying things in this gratingly reasonable tone with this chestnut brown hair and this all-innocent smile and these amazingly intens eyes that just lock onto you like she's trying to bend a spoon, and she wears this hypnotic perfume... Rebecca : Oh, my God, just have s*x with her already. I'm about to puke. Rusty : s*x with her? I'm gonna kill her! Rebecca : It's perfectly reasonable to be attracted to someone you can't stand. Cappie : Rugh? Rebecca : Not you, sweetie. Cappie : What my little siren is saying, Rus, is the only way you're gonna get Tina off your mind, is if you... do something about it. Rusty : Like what? Cappie : Well, a date is a good place to start. Why don't you go buy her a malt? Rebecca : He's really hopeless. Just like his sister. Cappie : I'm Switzerland. What do you think of this? Rebecca : That's not mine. Cappie : I know, it's mine. ZBZ HOUSE - Living room Casey : I gathered everyone who may still have issues about the... study hours situation, so that each of you may have a chance to air your grievances. Mandy : And the cat is here why? Casey : Let's call this "a kitty passing." This is your chance to speak with impunity. Frannie : Like the conch in Lord of the Flies. Casey : Whoever holds Pussywillow the Cat speaks. Everyone else listens. Say your piece, then pass her to the next girl. Laura, we'll start with you. Laura : Thanks. I think that what you did, Casey, was awful. You undermined my office of Scholarship Chair, and you infected this house with a cancer from which it may never be cured. Proud to be a Zeta Beta. Ashleigh : Well, I think Laura here should get a boyfriend or a hobby. Unless looking for a boyfriend is her hobby. Laura : Bite me! Ashleigh : I've got the conch! Casey : Everyone, sit down now! Ashleigh : Because you trashed Casey. ZBZ Girl : Because Casey messed up. Ashleigh : Wait your turn. Laura : I spoke with impunity. Ashleigh : I spoke with impunity, too! Casey : It's OK. Ashleigh : Shut up! Sorry, Casey. ZBZ Girl : This is so lame. Mandy : Yeah, I guess only actives get to shout. Casey : What's that smell? Ashleigh : Pussywillow! Laura : You had Pussywillow last. Your fault. Ashleigh : My fault? Laura : Yeah! Ashleigh : That should be minus hours. Casey : Girls! Everyone has had their say. Rebecca : Well, I didn't. Casey : That wasn't a question. We're moving on. You can start by putting these chairs away. Study hours are still mandatory. For everyone. Check the letters on the front of the house. This is Zeta Beta Zeta, the best house on campus. Don't act like anything less ever again. CRU - Tina's room Tina : Rusty, hi. What are you doing here? Rusty : I brought you a malt. Tina : Look, Rusty, if you're here to get a preview of Dale's speech... Rusty : I'm not. Tina : Then why are you here? Rusty : To bring you a malt. Tina : I don't think so. Rusty : Why do you think I'm here? Tina : You tell me. Rusty : No, because whatever I say, you'll disagree with it. Tina : Is that a problem? Rusty : Should it be? Tina : Are you as turned on right now as I am? Rusty : You smell good. Are you sure? Tina : Shut up. Rusty : I'm OK... EXT. CRU Strickers : This is why we must picket. Lose the Greeks and their tickets! Greeks deserve to have some fun. Babes and courtside, number one! Greeks deserve to have some fun. Babes and courtside, number one! This is why we must picket. Lose the Greeks and their tickets! Beaver : Donna Martin graduates! Donna Martin graduates! Donna Martin graduates! CRU - Meeting Dale : So, what do you do when a system, a society, doesn't work? Do you just allow it to consume itself, to take down those around it? No. You fix it, but not by turning the job over to the very same men and women who destroy it in the first place. Dean Bowman : Thank you, Mr. Kettlewell. Your remarks were insightful and... Dale : It makes me wonder what God would've done in a similar situation. Like, I don't know, Sodom and Gomorrah? Dean Bowman : Our next speaker is Mr. Cappie. Dale : Then the Lord rained down fire and brimstone, turning their cities to ashes and condemning them to destruction." I'm just paraphrasing Genesis. Dean Bowman : Mr. Cappie, are you ready? Dale : That's right, the big G flew in, cleaned house and took names. You know what, if he can smite a sodomite every now and then, why can't we do the same? Why can't we make our world a better place by getting rid of them? Sodom and Gomorrah, fraternities and sorities, Greeks and goblins, Cheech & Chong, these are the same hippie lettuce smoking enemies of righteousness that we shoul ship right back to old Scratch himself! Return to sender! Yeah! Hey, I was great. I was great. Dean Bowman : Mr. Cappie? Two minutes. Cappie : Strangely, I agree with the crazy person here. We Greeks can often be irresponsible and reckless. But I don't regret anything I've done and neither should anybody here, because screwing up is what college is all about. Learning from your mistakes and all that. Yet, if you deny us our chances to fail now, it's gonna be a lot harder for us to play catch-up in the future. Honestly, what's worse, hooking up with Dean Bowman's secretary now or fooling around with your boss'wife later on? Let's take you, for example. You look like you might have been interesting a long time ago. Man : You'd know, if you hadn't dropped my class. Cappie : But even if I stuck around, wouldn't you agree, no matter how great your class, it would still be a very, very small part of the college experience? Man : Yes, maybe, but... Dean Bowman : Time! We will consider your presentation, Mr. Cappie. Cappie : Dean Bowman, I'm not finished yet. Sorry. Dean Bowman : The rules. Evan : Dean Bowman, as Greek liaison I'd like to be allowed two minutes to speak? Dean Bowman : Fine, Mr. Chambers. Evan : I was gonna talk about housing, philanthropies, student funds, but, I'm realizing that had Cappie been allowed to exten his rare moment of lucidity, you would have realized that he was right. Professor Hebert, in school you founded Student Anarchists Disunited. If the government was looking over your shoulder, you'd be the first to chain yourself to a building. Man : Because S.A.D. stood for something! Evan : Like loyalty. Man : Yeah! Evan : Friendship, brotherhood. Professor Adams, you went Psi Phi at CRU and became a campus legend whe you put A&M's cow in the bell tower. That's an interesting way to start a career as a world-renowned zoologist. And let's not forget another significant figure in this room, who back in the day... Well, let's just say he majored in psychoactive horticulture? He was evicted from three dorms in a semester. If anyone need 24/7 restrictions, it would be this guy. What if he wasn't allowed to make those mistakes, and there was quite a few. Would he have spent his entire life overseeing the well-being young people? I mean, would you... Dean Bowman? Dean Bowman : I think we've heard enough. Meeting adjourned. CRU - DOBLERS TV : ... heading to the North, where we're two hours away from the A&M Farmhands meeting up with the CRU Titans. This game has huge playoff implications. Evan : Everybody, listen up. The restrictions have been lifted! Casey : Congratulations. Somebody's riding high. Evan : Not high enough, though. I may have saved the Greek system, but unfortunately that includes the Kts. Casey : It's a small price to pay. I mean, you're a hero. And a great advisor. Thanks to your recommendation, I consulted Frannie, and she was instrumental in helping me regain trust, authority, and control at the house. Evan : Great. Frannie : You suggested I talk to Casey? Evan : Yes, I did. Frannie : Well, thank you. Here's to everything working out for the best. Man : A toast for getting those restrictions off our backs. To Evan Chambers! Wade : To Cappie! No restrictions and awesome basketball tickets! Cappie : Courtside seats, baby. Spitter, you had s*x! Rusty : How do you do that? Cappie : Well, it's a gift and a curse. Rusty : It's weird to like and not like someone at the same time. Cappie : Yeah, tell me about it. Mandy : It's gonna be long time I still don't like her. Rebecca : Thank you. CRU - Dale & Rusty's room Rusty : Hey. How you doing, Dale? Dale : In the wake of today's landmark decision? I've disbanded U-SAG. Rusty : I'm sorry and I'm not sorry, if you know what I mean. Dale : Yeah, it's all right. I mean, but it wasn't really working, anyway. Hey, you hear that? Rusty : It's your speech. Dale : Yeah. Somebody must've put it on the Internet. Internet : ... both the enemies of righteousness It sounds like Dale : They're really responding to it next door. Rusty : Sure, Dale. Dale : So, you must be thrilled. A big victory for the Greeks, you don't have to deal with Tina anymore. Kettlewell. Hey, Tina. You missing the cause already or... What? Yeah, hold on. She wants to talk to you. Are you guys friends or something now? Rusty : Not exactly. KT HOUSE - Party Cappie : What a game. Hey, Beaver, rember when you dropped your pants at halftime? Beaver : That was you. Wade : Hey, what's harder to believe? That we lost? Or that Bowman used to smoke the hippie lettuce? Beaver : Although, I thought his eyes seemed red once. Cappie : That's only one more reason he deserves our respect. He was a formidable opponent. Everyone, can I have your attention, please? This to Dean Bowman, this one is for you. Beaver : I got it. Cappie : Wait... Beaver... Beaver, don't...! Beaver : Something's on fire.

Cappie, Evan, and Dale go head-to-head in a debate over the Greek's social perks, the outcome of which will have a lasting impact on Greek restrictions. Rusty sleeps with U-SAG member, Tina. A double standard at ZBZ creates conflict between Casey and the other sisters. Note: Dean Bowman ( Alan Ruck ) is on a date with a woman named Sloane, which is an allusion to his role in Ferris Bueller's Day Off .

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Scene: Howard and Bernadette's apartment. Bernadette: What you doing? Howard: You said clean up. I'm cleaning up. Bernadette: You can't just throw everything in the closet. Howard: Hey, you can tell me what to do or you can tell me how to do it, but you can't do both. This isn't s*x. Bernadette: What if someone looks in there? Howard: They're just coming over for dinner. No one's gonna look in the closet. Bernadette: Well, you don't know that. What if someone's looking for the bathroom and they open that door? Howard: Could work out. For all we know there's a toilet in there somewhere. Bernadette: Fine. But after tonight we need to get a handle on this mess. Howard: You know what we should do? We should show the closet to Sheldon. Bernadette: Why? Howard: Are you kidding? He's like a savant at organizing. Everything in his apartment has a label on it. Including his label maker, which has a label that says label maker. And if you look really close at that label maker label, you'll see a label that says label. Bernadette: He's our guest, we can't just ask him to straighten our closet. Howard: No, we wouldn't ask him. We'd just show him the closet and let the goblins in his head take it from there. Later. Howard: Hey, guys, come on in. All: Hi. Penny: Ooh, it smells good. Bernadette: Thanks. And, Sheldon, I know tonight's the night you eat Thai food, so I went to the Asian market, got all the ingredients and made it from scratch. Sheldon: Oh, you shouldn't have. Bernadette: Oh, it's my pleasure. Sheldon: No, you really shouldn't have. I brought my own. Bernadette: You stopped and got him takeout? Leonard: I had no choice. He kept kicking the back of my seat. Bernadette: Sheldon, I've been cooking all day. Sheldon: Well, now don't you feel silly. Bernadette: Show him the closet. Credits sequence. Scene: Howard and Bernadette's apartment. Raj: These spring rolls are amazing. Good job, Bernadette. Bernadette: That's the takeout that Sheldon brought. Raj: Oh, well, I'm sure they wouldn't have tasted nearly as good if I hadn't tried your food first. Sheldon: Howard, did you want your clothes arranged seasonally or by colour? Howard: Colour's fine. Sheldon: Wrong, they'll be arranged seasonally. Penny: Sheldon, aren't you gonna spend a little time with Amy? Amy: Oh, it's okay, I'm used to it. The other day at Whole Foods, he spent an hour optimizing the cheese aisle. Sheldon: Yeah, and some thanks I got. The assistant manager chased me out with an artisanal salami. Amy: His quirks just make you love him more. Someone please agree with me. Scene: The closet. Leonard: Sheldon, come on. It's getting late. Time to go. Sheldon: Oh, five more minutes. Leonard: That's what you said five minutes ago. Amy and Penny are already in the car. Let's move it. Sheldon: How come I never get to do anything I want to do? Howard: You know, if he really wants to stay and finish, I can give him a ride home. Sheldon: Please, Leonard, he said it's okay. Leonard: Sheldon, it's, wait, I can go home without you? Bye. Sheldon: Howard, I have a few questions. I found three bowling pins. Now, do you juggle these, or are you missing seven? Howard: Juggle. Sheldon: You health nuts kill me. Bernadette: Oh, my God, it's beautiful. Look, he found the juggling pins I hid. Sheldon: Uh, just a couple more items. Howard, I found this letter from your dad in a box. Now, based on the content, it could either be filed... Howard: Whoa, you opened this? Sheldon: Well, I had to find out if it was personal correspondence or memorabilia. Now, as I was saying, based on the content... Howard: I couldn't be less interested. Now, come on, I'll take you home. Bernadette: Howard, don't you want to know what's in the letter? Howard: If I wanted to know, I would've opened it years ago. The closet looks great. Let's get out of here. Sheldon: Wait, can I bring this box of extra shirt buttons to sort on the ride? Howard: Do whatever you want. Sheldon: Thanks. Oh. Great party. Scene: The stairwell. Leonard: You know, when I first met Howard, he would pull his scrotum out of his shorts and say, aw, I sat in gum. Penny: What is your point? Leonard: Well, it's just kind of weird how grown up he is now. Happily married guy throwing dinner parties. Penny: Really? You couldn't just say that? You had to tell the scrotum story? Leonard: Trying to paint a picture. Penny: It was a nice change of pace not eating takeout around a coffee table. Leonard: Mm, you know, we could throw a dinner party, too. Maybe even ask everyone to get dressed up. Penny: Sure. Just, when you say dressed up, you mean nice clothes, right? Not, like, capes and tights and crap? Leonard: Yeah. Although... Penny: No. Scene: Howard and Bernadette's apartment. Bernadette: Howie, you okay? Howard: Yeah, I just couldn't sleep. Bernadette: Told you you shouldn't have espresso after dinner. I know the little cups make you feel big, but it's not worth it. Howard: It's this stupid letter. Bernadette: Did you read it? Howard: No. Bernadette: You must be curious. Howard: Of course I'm curious. I haven't seen the man since, oh, I was a little kid. And a letter shows up on my 18th birthday? What's that about? Bernadette: Why don't you read it? Maybe he apologizes or explains why he left. Howard: He abandoned me and my mother. Why does he deserve a chance to explain anything? Bernadette: I get that. So, what do you want to do with it? Howard: Something I should have done a long time ago. (Sets fire to it) Bernadette: Really? Are you sure? Howard: Yep. Bernadette: Feel better? Howard: I do. (Smoke alarm goes off) Great. Neither one of us is tall enough to reach that. Scene: Penny's apartment. Amy: I can't believe he set it on fire. Bernadette: Yeah, just seeing that letter really freaked him out. And he was already having a tough day 'cause he accidentally wore my pants to work. I don't know why he was upset. They were bigger on him than me. Amy: Boy, I'm really curious what was in that letter. Bernadette: Me, too, but I guess now we'll never know. Amy: Well, you said Sheldon read it. Why not ask him? Bernadette: I can't do that. What kind of wife would I be if I didn't respect my husband's privacy? Penny: What if I ask Sheldon, you just happen to be in the room? Bermadette: That works. Penny: Okay. Scene: The laundry room. Sheldon: Bleuch. Like cleaning out the entire building's belly button. Penny: Hey, Sheldon. Sheldon: Oh, hello. What can I do for you ladies? Amy: You have something we want. Sheldon: Oh, dear. My mother warned me this is what happens to pretty boys in the big city. Penny: No, we just want information. Sheldon: Oh. Oh, I've got that in spades. Ravage me. Penny: We heard you read the letter from Howard's father. Sheldon: I did. Penny: What did it say? Sheldon: I can't tell you that. I'm bound by closet organizer/organizee confidentiality. Amy: Sheldon, that's not a real thing. Sheldon: Well, neither is the rule that you have to hold your girlfriend's hand at the movies. You know. That doesn't stop you from pawing at me like you're a bear and I'm a trash can full of sweets. Penny: Why do you even care? Just tell us what it says. Sheldon: Control over the information contained in that letter belongs to Howard. By happenstance, I came to know it. That doesn't give me the right to disseminate it freely. Penny: Come on. Look, the letter was found in Bernadette's closet. Doesn't that count for something? Sheldon: Are you pointing out that California is a community property state, and since Howard and Bernadette are married, the intellectual property contained in that letter is jointly owned by the two spouses? Penny: Yeah, obviously. Sheldon: Well played. Sometimes I don't give you enough credit, Penny. Scene: The apartment. Raj: Dude, you made the right choice coming to me for help with this party. Leonard: Actually, all I did was invite you. Raj: Well, put your mind at ease. I'm here to make sure your dinner party kicks Howard's dinner party's ass. Now, the first thing we need is a theme. I'm thinking, ah, turn-of-the-century Moulin Rouge. Leonard: I'm thinking you need a testosterone patch. Penny and I just want to do something low-key. You know, cocktails, light jazz music, hors d'oeuvres. Raj: So your theme is I saw a rerun of Mad Men and bought some crab puffs from Trader Joe's? Hate to miss that. Leonard: Hey, where have you been? Sheldon: Oh, Leonard. If I was prone to sarcasm, I'd say I was pulling off a major heist at the museum of laundry baskets. Leonard: One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten. I meant, golly, Sheldon, you've been gone a long time. Sheldon: Oh. Yeah, well, I was waylaid by Penny, Bernadette and Amy. They made me reveal confidential information about Howard's father. Leonard: What information? Sheldon: I can't tell you that. I am bound by closet organizer/organizee confidentiality. Raj: Well, come on, we won't tell anyone. Sheldon: Sorry, badgering me won't work. What you should have said is, It's pointless to keep this a secret because Penny will tell us. Leonard: Fine, then that. Sheldon: All right, I'll tell you. My goodness, everyone's on their game today. Scene: The apartment kitchen. Amy: This is really fun. Raj: Yeah, it's nice to get dressed up once in a while. Penny: Yeah, and the hors d'oeuvres are delightful. Leonard: As is the company. Penny: Aw. Sheldon: My shirt is itchy and I wish I were dead. Leonard: Hey, uh, listen, everybody. Before Howard gets here, et's all just agree to not bring up the letter from his father. Raj: Of course. Penny: Sure. Amy: Absolutely. Sheldon: If I say yes, can we turn off that Latin orgy music? [SCENE_BREAK] Scene: The stairwell. Howard: Ridiculous that we still have to walk up all these flights of stairs. Bernadette: Yeah, try doing it in heels. Howard: I am. Bernadette: Wait. There's something I have to tell you. Howard: What? Bernadette: I know what was in your dad's letter. Howard: Sheldon, I swear to God, I'm gonna kill you. Amy: Hey. Bernadette: I made him tell us. Howard: What? Us? Who else knows? Penny: I know. Amy: Me, too. Leonard: Same here. Raj: Shame on all of you. Leonard: You know, too. Raj: Couldn't leave him one friend, could you? Howard: So everybody knows what's in that letter except for me? Sheldon: Yes, it's six against one. Stand down, sir. Howard: How could you do this? Bernadette: I'm sorry. Raj: If you want, we could tell you. Howard: No, I don't want to know. I mean, I do, but... I got to go. Amy: Use me as a human shield! Sheldon: I panicked. He looked taller than usual. Scene: The closet. Bernadette (off): Howard? Howard: In here. Bernadette: I'm sorry. I should have left it alone. Howard: It's okay. Sorry I ran off like that. Bernadette: What are you looking at? Howard: Uh, pictures of my dad and me when I was a kid. Bernadette: That's nice. Howard: I got to tell you, as angry as I am at Sheldon for blabbing, he did a hell of a job organizing this closet. Look at this. Photos of Wolowitz family before father left forever. Check out nine-year-old Howie with cornrows. Neither race was happy to see me with those. Bernadette: Think you could take a break? Howard: Why? Bernadette: Got a little surprise for you. Come on. Howard: Oh, honey, I am in no mood to have s*x tonight. I'll lay there if you absolutely have to have it, but... Oh. What are you guys doing here? Leonard: When you left, you weren't sure whether or not you wanted to know what was in your dad's letter, so we came up with kind of a cool solution. Howard: Oh, yeah, what's that? Sheldon: It's simple, really. It occurred to me that knowing and not knowing can be achieved by creating a macroscopic example of quantum superposition. The, the principle that a physical system exists partially in all its possible states at once. Penny: We were all thinking it, really. It was kind of the elephant in the room, so... Sheldon: Anyway, um, I realized that if we each present you with an account of what your father wrote to you, only one of which is true, and then we don't tell you which one it is, you will forever be in a state of epistemic ambivalence. Penny: Yeah. And I said if it wasn't epistemic, we might as well not do it. Bernadette: Sit down, honey. Leonard: Raj, you're up. Raj: Okay, um, It was a card for your 18th birthday. Inside it said, Happy birthday, Howard. I love you. Dad. Oh, and it was a Far Side card, the one where the frog has its tongue stuck to the underside of an airplane. Thinks it's a fly. Silly frog. So funny. Leonard: Sheldon. Sheldon: It was a map leading to the lost treasure of famous pirate One-Eyed Willy. Howard: Nice try. That's the plot for Goonies. Amy: Told you. Sheldon: Don't. Leonard: Amy. Amy: You didn't know it, but your father was in the auditorium at your high school graduation. And he cried because he was so proud of you. Howard: Really? Sheldon: Or that's complete poppycock which Amy made up. It still could be the map. Leonard: Penny. Penny: It was a letter explaining that your dad wasn't who he said he was. Eventually, his other life caught up to him, and the only way to keep you and your mom safe was to leave. Sheldon: I would like to change mine. The pirate's name was Peg-Leg Antoine. Now it's completely different from Goonies. Amy: No, it's not. Sheldon: Don't. Leonard: Okay, my turn. Your dad wrote about how family is the most important thing, and that you should never throw it away like he did. Howard: Hmm. Leonard: Bernadette. Bernadette: Inside the envelope was a picture of your dad holding you the day you were born. On the back he wrote Howard, my son, my greatest gift. You okay? Howard: Yeah. I'm terrific. Leonard: So, which one do you think it is, matey? Howard: Actually, I don't want to know. I want all of them to be true. Leonard: Well, one of them is. Howard: That's pretty cool. Thank you, guys. Penny: Hey, it's still early. Why don't we go back and have that party? Raj: Yeah, Leonard: Yeah, cool. Amy: Okay. Sheldon: You know, surprisingly, uh, the letter from your father wasn't the most interesting thing I read in the closet. Bernadette's diary has some saucy passages. Bernadette: Sheldon, don't you dare. Sheldon: There's nothing to worry about. Your secret's safe with me. Bernadette: That's more like it. Sheldon: Although copyright law would allow me to quote snippets in the context of a review. Scene: The apartment. Bernadette: Glad you're feeling better. Howard: Me, too. If I'd known we were gonna be dancing, would have worn my flats. Penny: This turned out pretty well, huh? Leonard: Yeah, I think so. Raj: I agree. That is, if you've never been to or heard of a party before. Amy: If you'd let me pierce your brain with a hot needle in the right place, you'd be happy all the time. Sheldon: Uh, Penny, I, I have a couple of questions about your closet. Is there any reason you're keeping this dead goldfish? Penny: Damn, I forgot to feed him. And that I had him. Sheldon: Well, now, did you also have a dog? Because I found what appears to be a battery-operated chew toy. Penny: Party's over! Party's over!

Sheldon is tricked into tidying Howard and Bernadette's closet during their dinner party. He finds and reads a letter to Howard on his 18th birthday from his long-lost father. Howard destroys the letter without reading it and otherwise acts strangely. The others trick Sheldon into revealing the letter's content. When Howard finds out everyone knows but him, he storms out of Leonard's and Penny's dinner party. Everyone else heads to Bernadette and Howard's apartment where Sheldon invokes quantum superposition to tell Howard what was in the letter without him actually knowing; each person devises a version of the letter's content, but only one is actually true. Raj says his father sent him a birthday card; Sheldon mentions a map to One-Eyed Willy's lost pirate treasure (this is actually the plot for The Goonies); Amy says his father secretly attended his son's high school graduation and was so proud he cried; Penny says his father's "other life" caught up with him so he left his family for their safety; Leonard says his father wrote of the importance of family, and that Howard should never abandon his family as he did; Bernadette describes a photo of Howard's father holding him as a baby with the words "Howard, my son, my greatest gift". Howard is pleased, wishing all versions were true, and returns to Leonard and Penny's dinner party with everyone else.

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[Before the teaser there is a montage of scenes from previous episodes.] GILMORE MANSION [Friday Night Dinner, Rory and Lorelai are in a heated discussion, Emily is watching, a little worried] LORELAI: How can you possibly say she looked better with the dark hair? RORY: She did the blonde just seemed like she was trying to be her sister. LORELAI: The dark hair makes it look like she's trying not to look like her, plus she does not have the nose for dark hair. RORY: What does that mean? LORELAI: Dark hair is like a giant light-up arrow pointing to what is wrong with you. Blond hair, it all sort of blends in in a haze of beige. RORY: Nuts, you're nuts. LORELAI: You're double nuts! EMILY: All right, that's it. No more spaghetti and meatballs. Musepa, come get these plates. LORELAI: Mom! EMILY: Every time we have spaghetti and meatballs, you fight. LORELAI: No, no, we're not fighting. We're just, uh, bonding. RORY: [Trying to eat] Mmm! Grandma, I'm starving! EMILY: Take these away, Mr. Gilmore's also. LORELAI: Mom, come on. RORY: I won't fight anymore. EMILY: No. Spaghetti and meatballs is just too much excitement. RICHARD: [Entering the room] I'm sorry about that. I left work early today, and apparently, that caused everyone's I.Q.S to drop 60 points. My food is gone. EMILY: The girls were fighting. RICHARD: I told you not to serve spaghetti and meatballs. They always fight when we have spaghetti and meatballs. LORELAI: That's not true. RORY: We fight just as much when we have Chinese food. EMILY: Can we please talk about something besides food? LORELAI: Starvation, scurvy, the Donner party. EMILY: I'm having Lasik surgery on my eyes. RICHARD: Excellent topic. LORELAI: Lasik surgery? Why? EMILY: Well I hate wearing glasses, so I found the best doctor on the east coast, made an appointment, and I'm going in tomorrow. RICHARD: Personally, I like you with glasses. LORELAI: It's that whole "dirty librarian" thing, right, dad? RICHARD: I beg your pardon. EMILY: Three of the girls in my D.A.R. Group had it done already. I'm actually very excited about it. I got Dr. Morris... RICHARD: The Lasik man. EMILY: ...From Dr. Sugarman, who's my ear, nose, and throat man. And he said Dr. Morris is brilliant and very, very handsome. RICHARD: You never told me this. EMILY: He just threw it in at the end of the visit. RICHARD: I think that's incredibly unprofessional. EMILY: Oh, Richard, he just was saying the man is handsome. RICHARD: Yes, as if it's a selling point. LORELAI: It can be. RICHARD: Hardly. Everyone knows ugly men make the best doctors. EMILY: That's absurd. RICHARD: It's a fact. EMILY: Marcus Welby was handsome and George Clooney. LORELAI: Fake doctors, mom. EMILY: I'm sure they were modeled after real doctors. RICHARD: I don't want to talk about this anymore. LORELAI: He's jealous of Dr. Handsome. RICHARD: I'm not jealous of Dr. Handsome. EMILY: I should go shopping for something new to wear. RICHARD: You are not going shopping to get something new to wear to Dr. Handsome. LORELAI: Everyone is a little testy tonight. RORY: Maybe she was right about the spaghetti and meatballs. EMILY: Well, let's just talk about something else. We had lunch with Christopher yesterday. LORELAI: You... RORY: [Thinking of food] Lunch. RICHARD: We took him to the club. LORELAI: [Panicked] Okay, but why? RICHARD: Because there'd been a lot of tension between us about the tuition incident, and your mother and I thought it was time for a sit-down. LORELAI: A sit down what, did you get Clemenza to hide a gun in the bathroom first? RICHARD: We thought it was time to clear the air. After all, Christopher is Rory's father, and we wanted him to know there were no hard feelings. LORELAI: Really? EMILY: Don't get me wrong. We're still not happy about the situation, but since he's going to be involved in our lives now... LORELAI: Whoa, whoa. Involved in your lives? How is he involved in your lives? EMILY: Well, he's paying for Rory's college. LORELAI: [defensive] Yeah but is he using your pen to write the check? RICHARD: Of course not. LORELAI: Then I don't see how he's involved in your lives. [Gesturing to Rory] He's involved in her life... EMILY: Lorelai, will you relax? The lunch went fine. It was very pleasant, and Christopher enjoyed it. RICHARD: That's right. He apologized for everything. EMILY: He knows that we're no longer angry with him, and we are all friends again. LORELAI: Well, with friends like these... RICHARD: And after lunch, your mother and I began discussing what we were going to do with all the money that had been allotted for Rory's tuition. EMILY: And we came up with a brilliant idea. RORY: Oh, yeah? What? RICHARD: We're going to add some funds from our foundation and donate the total amount to Yale university in your name. RORY: What? EMILY: That's right, and we'll make sure it goes for something important, like a medical building. LORELAI: For really handsome doctors. EMILY: Whatever it is, I want her name big and prominent. RORY: My name? RICHARD: The Rory Gilmore political science building. EMILY: The Rory Gilmore anthropology building. RORY: Uh, guys? RICHARD: The Rory Gilmore cultural center. EMILY: The Rory Gilmore auditorium. RORY: Um can I interject for just a second? LORELAI: Go ahead. I dare you. While I think it's very generous of both of you to want to do this for me... EMILY: The Rory Gilmore observatory. RORY: ...I still go to Yale, so having something with my name on it might be kind of... RICHARD: The Rory Gilmore center for international affairs. EMILY: Oh, wait, the Rory Gilmore library. RICHARD: And art gallery. EMILY: And ancient-history museum. LORELAI: Forget it, kid, grandma and grandpa have gone bye-bye. RICHARD: The Rory Gilmore medical research laboratory. EMILY: No that sounds like monkey tests, people will picket. OPENING CREDITS HOSPITAL [Rory is pushing Logan in a wheelchair.] RORY: So, any one of the physical therapists on the list will do? Right doctor they're all at the same level? DR SCHULTZ: They're all top-notch. LOGAN: That's if I need a physical therapist. RORY: [To Logan] Hush you [To doctor] And you said lots of rest, but is complete bed rest safest? LOGAN: You cannot confine me to a bed. That's a violation of my rights. RORY: Hush you. DR SCHULTZ: You need to monitor his progress. Everyone recovers at different speeds. RORY: And when you say, "plenty of fluids," does hot tea count, or just water? He likes hot tea. LOGAN: You gotta stop talking about me as if I'm not here. RORY: Logan... LOGAN: Mom... DR SCHULTZ: Tea's fine. Water and juice are better. LOGAN: And this wheelchair's absolutely necessary? RORY: Hospital policy sir. DR SCHULTZ: Just till you get out of the building. LOGAN: Can we at least go faster? RORY: No, you'll get g-forces. LOGAN: Doctor, can I go home to your house? I think I'd have much more fun there. DR SCHULTZ: Your in good hand, just call if you have any more questions. RORY: I will. Thank you, Dr. Schultz. RORY: Okay, so, I cut off an old lady with a handicap sticker, so we got a primo spot right out front. Colin is meeting us at the apartment to help me get you upstairs and in bed, and it's a little cold outside, so you might need a scarf. I should have brought you a scarf. Maybe they have some in the gift shop. I'll go check. LOGAN: Actually, there's something going on here. RORY: What, your throat? Is it sore? Should I go get Dr. Schultz? I mean, we're here. We might as well... [They Rory leans in to see the problem and they kiss] LOGAN: Thank you for being who I want to get out of the hospital for. RORY: You're welcome. LOGAN: And I'm not cold. I'm fine. RORY: You promise? LOGAN: I promise. RORY: Okay, let's go. We get to go at my speed. LOGAN: Wake me when we hit the door. DRAGONFLY INN - KITCHEN [Michel is on the phone] MICHEL: This is a lawsuit! You do not fool with people' heads and bodies like this! No! You listen! You... LORELAI: Sookie, emergency, I'm crashing. SOOKIE: Fresh pot over there. MICHEL: You know you wouldn't treat Nicole Kidman like this. Nicole Kidman, red hair, tall. Okay, then, Julia Roberts, you wouldn't treat Julia Roberts like this. Red hair, tall. Okay, then, Scarlett Johansson. What are you, a shut-in? LORELAI: Why is he prancing? SOOKIE: Hum? MICHEL: I will call my lawyer, and you'll hear from him when I do. Kiss my tush! Mmm! Damn it! You can trust nothing and no one ever! LORELAI: Please stop that, Michel. MICHEL: Oh, I cannot. I cannot stop this for a very, very long time. I buy milk from the organic dairy down the way. The nonfat milk has a blue top, blue. Today I find out that they have accidentally been putting red tops on the nonfat milk and blue on the 2%, 2%! For the last two weeks, I have been drinking 2% milk in my coffee every single day. LORELAI: Insert gasp here. MICHEL: That's two full weeks of two cups of coffee a day. It used to be one cup, but then, suddenly, the coffee started tasting so good, I added an afternoon jolt, and now I find out I've been consuming an extra billion calories a week. LORELAI: At least it hasn't affected your ability to do math. [To Sookie] Isn't this bouncing bothering you? SOOKIE: It was, but now it's kind of like having a Beyonc video on. MICHEL: Now I have to burn off all these calories and I have to deal with 2%-fat-milk withdrawal... LORELAI: Michel, why didn't you just look on the bottle? MICHEL: Oh, oh, oh, oh, you just know everything, don't you, you little miss I-know-everything? LORELAI: [Cell phone rings] Hello? LUKE: [in his apartment, putting stuff in the fridge] Hey, gotcha. LORELAI: [Sounding nervous] Yes, you did. LUKE: We've been missing each other lately. LORELAI: Oh, well, things are crazy. You know, we're totally booked up here, and Um Rory has her finals. LUKE: You're helping Rory with her finals? LORELAI: Moral support, late-night phone calls -- that kind of thing. And, of course, Michel got the wrong milk today, so... LUKE: oh, well, I didn't know about Michel's milk. LORELAI: Okay, so, uh, you heading by the diner today? LORELAI: No, can't. There's just too much to do here. LUKE: Okay, well, then, we'll hook up tonight. LORELAI: Ah, tonight's a staff meeting, and attendance is mandatory. It would look pretty weird if the person who called the meeting didn't show. SOOKIE: [worried] There's a staff meeting tonight? [To Michel] Did you know about a staff meeting? MICHEL: No, I didn't. SOOKIE: I don't have a sitter tonight. MICHEL: I set up a three-hour session with my trainer tonight. I'll have to pay full price if I cancel this late. It's like $2 zillion. LUKE: Staff meeting, I didn't know you had a staff meeting tonight. Did it just come up? LORELAI: Pretty much. LUKE: Well, I'm sorry I'm not gonna see you. LORELAI: Yeah, me too. LUKE: So, tomorrow? LORELAI: Sure, maybe. We'll talk in the morning. LUKE: Okay. We'll talk in the morning. LORELAI: Okay. Well...bye. SOOKIE: I have to get a babysitter if there's gonna be a staff meeting tonight, and Becky, the good one, is at her grandmother's, so I'll have to use her crazy Goth sister who wears the snake around her neck and eats all my Eggos. LORELAI: There's no staff meeting tonight. MICHEL: [Groans] Thank god! SOOKIE: If there's no staff meeting tonight, why did you tell Luke there was? LORELAI: I don't want to get into it. SOOKIE: But if... JACKSON: Sookie! Just the person I was hoping to see... alone. SOOKIE: Oh. So, we'll be right back. [The make there way through the Inn] Jackson, wait. What is it? JACKSON: We need complete privacy for this. SOOKIE: For what? JACKSON: Smell me. SOOKIE: What? JACKSON: Smell me. What do I smell like? SOOKIE: [Sighs] You smell like Jackson and something else. What is that? It's not zucchini. It's not sprouts. JACKSON: It's marijuana. SOOKIE: [Gasps, happy] Yes! [Shocked] Oh, my god! Jackson, why do you smell like marijuana? JACKSON: You know that back half-acre that I haven't planted for a few years, up on the slope, out of sight, out of mind? Well, I went back there this morning, and it's a giant field of pot! SOOKIE: [Gasps] JACKSON: Every square inch, hundreds of plantings. It looks like Harrison Ford's backyard. SOOKIE: How did this happen? JACKSON: The Templeton brothers. SOOKIE: The Templeton brothers. JACKSON: They must have planted it right before I fired 'em. I told them to weed the back half-acre. They're not the smartest of fellows. SOOKIE: They were always listening to the Allman Brothers. We should never hire guys that listen to the Allman Brothers. JACKSON: What are we gonna do? It's a full half-acre of marijuana! SOOKIE: Jackson, Shh! We can't keep saying the "m" word. Someone will overhear. JACKSON: Right, sorry. SOOKIE: We need a code word. JACKSON: How about "evil crop"? SOOKIE: Something more normal. Hey, how 'bout "pickles"? JACKSON: Good. We'll say, "pickles." Do you realize that at this moment we are both felons? SOOKIE: Why? We didn't grow the stuff. [Louder] The pickles! We didn't grow the pickles! Ha! JACKSON: But we're in possession. If the cops came to my field today, we'd go to jail. We'd lose everything we own. We'd lose the kids. SOOKIE: All because of pickles. JACKSON: I'm gonna send my guys home right now. I'm gonna single-handedly pull every last pickle out of there. SOOKIE: Good. Yes, good and do it quick. JACKSON: I'll try. SOOKIE: You're sweating. JACKSON: I'm sorry. I can't help it. SOOKIE: It makes you look guilty. JACKSON: I'll try to stop. SOOKIE: We've got to walk out of this room cool and calm, just like it's any other day. JACKSON: Cool and calm. Got it. The bump into one another then a table, knocking stuff off] Sorry. [Jackson runs out] SOOKIE: I'll get you coffee. TOWN SQUARE - OUTSIDE SODA SHOPPE [Town troubadour singing] TROUBADOUR: I'm on my way I don't know where I'm goin' I'm on my way I'm takin' my time, but I don't know where goodbye to Rosie the queen of corona see you, me and Julio down by the schoolyard see you, me and Julio down by the schoolyard see you, me and Julio down by the schoolyard LUKE'S DINER LUKE: What can I get you, Kirk? KIRK: What do you think? LUKE: About what? KIRK: Letting the beard grow. LUKE: Nice. What can I get you? KIRK: First couple of days, it was itching like crazy, but now I'm used to it, although I find myself doing this a lot. [Puts his hand on his chin like he's thinking] LUKE: What do you want to eat, Kirk? KIRK: Last weekend, I accidentally wrote all over my face with a sharpie, and lulu thought it looked kind of sexy. That's where I got the idea. LUKE: It looks really good, Kirk. Now, can I take your order? KIRK: Hmm. LUKE: I'll come back. LIZ: [Coming into the diner] Big brother! LUKE: Hey, you're back, huh? LIZ: I'm back. LUKE: How was the fair? LIZ: Oh, amazing. My jewelry's bigger than ever. I make it, it sells. I got all this money now, but I got no idea what to do with it, not a clue. LUKE: How 'bout putting it in a bank? LIZ: There's a thought. LUKE: Hmm-hmm. LIZ: Hey, let me tell you my big, exciting news! LUKE: Uh-oh. LIZ: It's not an uh-oh. It's good, unless you don't like babies, in which case it's not so good. LUKE: You're pregnant?! LIZ: Oh, it was supposed to be a surprise. Who told you? LUKE: You just did. LIZ: Wow, I blew my own surprise. LUKE: That's great, Liz. It's great, right? LIZ: Amazing. I am over the moon. LUKE: Well, sit, sit. You're in a delicate state. LIZ: I am gonna take care of myself this time, big brother. I'm gonna do all the healthy things for me I did not do last time I was pregnant, like not binge drink. LUKE: Good plan. So, where's T.J.? I mean, he must be thrilled about this. LIZ: Ah, he's gone. LUKE: Gone? You mean gone out of town? LIZ: He's gone, the big "gone out of my life." Do you have Matzo Brie? LUKE: What? Liz, no. LIZ: Okay. How 'bout a Denver omelet? LUKE: I mean, "no, T.J. Can't be gone." He's your husband. LIZ: Since when does that keep guys from leaving? LUKE: He's left you? LIZ: He's left. LUKE: How can you be so calm about this? Your so calm about this. LIZ: Because I got my new come-what-may philosophy. LUKE: Your what? LIZ: My philosophy. It's about accepting what comes your way, whatever it is. If a bus is heading right at you, let it come. If a piece of space junk comes hurtling down at you, let it come. LUKE: Or you step out of the way. LIZ: You know, that's probably better, and when I said what I said now, it felt wrong. LUKE: Did he know you were pregnant? LIZ: I'd just told him. LUKE: So he ran out on his wife and child?! LIZ: Luke you're getting mad over nothing. LUKE: It's not nothing. LIZ: Well, I need you to stay calm, because right now it's all about the baby, and it's all good... Really... Come what may. LUKE: All right, fine. Whatever. It's all good. LIZ: Now, baby and I would like that omelet. LUKE: Coming up. LOGAN'S APARTMENT [Logan is in bed, Paris is talking] LOGAN: Paris? PARIS: Male reproductive tract. LOGAN: What? PARIS: Seven up, Seminiferous Tubules, Epididymis, Vas Deferens, Ejaculatory duct, nothing, Urethra, pen1s. LOGAN: What are you doing? PARIS: Boning up. Pardon the pun. Got my MCATS coming up, medical school. LOGAN: I meant, "what are you doing here?" PARIS: Looking after you. LOGAN: Oh, goody. PARIS: It's necessary you seem like the kind of lunkhead that would get up too soon and inadvertently push a broken rib bone into his spleen. DOYLE: Well, hey, there, sleepyhead. LOGAN: Oh, goody, a matching set. DOYLE: You sleep well? LOGAN: He's watching me, too? PARIS: Rory said it would be okay. DOYLE: Hey now that your awake you mind if I switch the TV to the speakers? They're just about to reunite with their husbands, and I'd love to get the full surround experience. LOGAN: Who? DOYLE: Penguins. You haven't seen the penguin movie? PARIS: The penguin movie rocks. DOYLE: They'll move you, my friend. So, is it okay? LOGAN: Hey, Mi Casa Es Su Casa. DOYLE: Great. PARIS: Whoa, whoa, whoa, where do you think you're going cowboy? LOGAN: Nature calls. PARIS: You can't get you, Rory said you need complete bed rest. She trusted me with your well-being. I cannot betray that trust. LOGAN: Then what's your suggestion for my current predicament? PARIS: I'll get the bedpan. Where's your bedpan? LOGAN: I don't have a bedpan. PARIS: You got Tupperware? LOGAN: Paris... PARIS: Doyle, watch him. DOYLE: Pausing. LOGAN: [Sighs] [Cut to Rory at the Yale newsroom] RORY: [Cell phone rings] Hey, why aren't you asleep? LOGAN: Because I woke up. RORY: You're supposed to be asleep. LOGAN: I've been asleep for a week. My body's bored of sleep. It wants to do something. RORY: Well good thing your body has no say in the matter. BILL: Hey, boss, you're gonna want to see this. RORY: [Too Bill] Hold on a second. LORELAI: You've got to call off your sentries. RORY: They're there for a reason. LOGAN: To re-enact their favorite scenes from "Misery"? PARIS: Your kitchen needs organizing! LOGAN: Yeah, I'll get right on that! DOYLE: You shouldn't talk loudly. You'll strain something. LOGAN: I've got Dina and Moshe Abramowicz on top of me. RORY: Why is Paris in the kitchen? LOGAN: She's looking for a bedpan substitute. RORY: Oh dear. BILL: You're really gonna want to see this. RORY: Just leave it, Bill. BILL: But I want to see the look on your face when you read it, provided you still have a face after your head explodes. RORY: In a sec. LOGAN: Rory, look, I love your concern for me. I love that you're so invested in my well-being, but even the doctor said that if I feel strong enough to move around, then I should do it. It's good for me. RORY: I don't know that that doctor knows what he's talking about. LOGAN: You mean the Johns Hopkins graduate knows less than you? PARIS: I'd kill to get into Johns Hopkins. Here [showing Logan some "bedpans"] patient's choice. DOYLE: Oh, okay if I unpause? PARIS: Unpause. DOYLE: Here come the penguins. RORY: Look, maybe the doctor knows a little bit of what he's talking about. LOGAN: You think? RORY: So I guess get up, but superslow. It should look like a Monty Python routine, you're moving so slow. LOGAN: I'll make John Cleese proud. RORY: And let Doyle help you, at least the first time, you could get dizzy. LOGAN: I'll let him help me to the bathroom door, but I take it from there Ace. RORY: Fine. DOYLE: I cannot look at the shot of the dead baby penguin. PARIS: Me neither. Dead people, yes, not penguins. LOGAN: You'll deal with Paris? RORY: Put her on. LOGAN: Thank you. Paris? PARIS: Can I look? DOYLE: We're clear. LOGAN: Please talk to Rory. RORY: [Too Bill] What is so important about the Wall Street Journal? BILL: Oh, you'll see. PARIS: Hey RORY: [Too Paris] Stand down. PARIS: What. RORY: Thank you for sitting with him, but I think he needs a little less hovering right now. PARIS: Warren Beatty jr. Smooth-talk you? RORY: No. Even the doctor said he should be moving around some. I think I've been a little overprotective. PARIS: Your call. RORY: Have Doyle lend him a shoulder right now, okay? PARIS: Fine. Doyle, give Logan your shoulder. DOYLE: You got it. LOGAN: See you soonish? RORY: Just finishing up here. DOYLE: Mi shoulder Es Su shoulder. [Helps him to the bathroom] Hey, this is very life-affirming, very penguinesque. With the soundtrack music playing like that -- ohh. LOGAN: Hurry your soonish. RORY: I will. [Ends the call] What is it? BILL: I highlighted the appropriate section. [Rory reads the paper] Oh, it's going to be a quiet, slow-burning seethe. Disappointment. DRAGONFLY INN - ENTRY MICHEL: Right this way, you two. Having beautiful weather today, no? [He start to exercise, with out the guest knowing, stopping when they look at him] Let's leave your bags here with the ever-trustworthy William and take a little tour of the inn. Okay, right this way. We have one of the finest restaurants in the area. LORELAI: [Cell phone rings] Hello? EMILY: How soon can you get here? LORELAI: What? EMILY: How soon can you get here? LORELAI: Mom, where are you? EMILY: Home, of course. Where else would I be after what happened? LORELAI: What happened? EMILY: "What happened?"! LORELAI: Yes, what happened? EMILY: The thing with my eye. What else would I be talking about? LORELAI: You're talking about the laser? EMILY: The bad Lasik. LORELAI: The Lasik went bad? EMILY: Your father called you. Tell me he called you. LORELAI: [Cell phone beeps] Hold on a sec, mom. EMILY: Lorelai? LORELAI: Hello? [Cut to Richard in a hotel room] RICHARD: Lorelai, it's your father. I'm unconscionably late with this call. Blame South Dakota. LORELAI: Dad, what is going on here? RICHARD: Your mother's eye surgery went badly. She's all right, but she can't see a thing. LORELAI: Well, that doesn't sound all right to me. RICHARD: It's only temporary. She's on painkillers. I would have been there myself, but I was called out of town. Have you ever been to South Dakota? It's the most boring state in the nation. As I was flying in, I swear I saw one of the heads on Mount Rushmore yawn. LORELAI: She's asking how soon I can be there. RICHARD: Well, that's why I'm calling. I left her with a battery of help, but in case it didn't work out, she wanted me to give you a heads-up that she might need you. LORELAI: Well, I don't know if I can get away. RICHARD: It's her eyes. She can't do anything or go anywhere. LORELAI: I understand the importance of eyes, dad. RICHARD: I got caught up in meetings, or I would have called sooner. You wouldn't believe where I'm sitting right now, one of South Dakota's finest hotels. Smells like a foot. LORELAI: Let me get back to her, dad. She's on the other line. RICHARD: If you could cover for me, I'd appreciate it. If she found out I didn't call you, it would make everything worse. LORELAI: Okay you got it. RICHARD: Check in with me later. LORELAI: Yeah [Switched lines] Mom? EMILY: Was that your father? Did he not call you? LORELAI: No, dad called. I was just distracted before. So, you need me to pop over? EMILY: I'm all alone here, and I desperately need to run a couple of errands. LORELAI: And there's no one else? EMILY: I don't remember being in labor for 14 hours with anyone else, so, no, there's no one else. LORELAI: Okay. I'll be over. EMILY: I'll be waiting, blind and waiting. LORELAI: Okay, bye. [Sighs] SOOKIE AND JACKSON'S HOUSE SOOKIE: I don't believe it, I don't believe it! JACKSON: Who knew that clearing it would be the easy part? I had it all down in three hours, no problem. SOOKIE: I don't believe it! JACKSON: What was I to do? If I put in the garbage, the garbage man could see it. SOOKIE: I know. He looks like a big, fat fink. JACKSON: And if I put it down the garbage disposal, it could clog. We'd have to call a plumber, and then he could fink on us. SOOKIE: And he would, too. That guy seems like a big, fat fatty fink. JACKSON: We can't flush it for the same reason, and burning it seemed like a tremendously dumb idea. SOOKIE: You'd get the whole town high. JACKSON: So what was I to do? SOOKIE: Anything but bring it home! JACKSON: Then come up with your own idea. SOOKIE: Well I could bake it into brownies. JACKSON: Then what would we do with the brownies? SOOKIE: I have no idea. JACKSON: I think that makes it a bad plan. SOOKIE: Is it a better plan than the plan you couldn't even think of? At least it's a plan. JACKSON: Hey, we can't turn on each other here. We're all we've got. SOOKIE: You're right. You're right. JACKSON: Hey, it's starting to smell up the place. SOOKIE: We've just got to get it out of the house. JACKSON: Definitely out of the house. We'll get it out of the house. [He sits] But we wait for dark. SOOKIE: [She sits] Wait for dark. LOGAN'S APARTMENT RORY: I could kill him! LOGAN: You'd have to get in a very long line. RORY: The man should be drawn and quartered. LOGAN: There's no fast pass, either. You just got to wait. RORY: Quartering's too good for him. He should be eighthed, sixteenthed. LOGAN: I don't know you quarter a guy, he's in four pieces. That's tough to recover from. RORY: He should be stretched on a rack, iron maiden, strappadoed. LOGAN: Oh, my god. What is strappadoed? RORY: When you suspend him in the air with a rope tied to his hands that are tied behind his back. LOGAN: You're scaring me with your knowledge of torture. RORY: I did a paper on the attorney general. It comes with the territory. LOGAN: Life in modern America? RORY: Why would the wall street journal print this? Why? LOGAN: It was an interview with my father. If he said it, they get to print it. RORY: Even if it's a flat-out lie? LOGAN: They don't know that. RORY: [Reading the paper] "I looked for the best and the brightest, even at the intern level." LOGAN: Reading it again, you're just torturing yourself. RORY: "Ben Cochran at Harvard, he helped me out with my Boston paper, as did Frank Williams. And Rory Gilmore, I gave her her first internship at my Stamford paper, and now she's the editor of the Yale Daily News." Arc! LOGAN: It's classic Mitchum. RORY: How dare he? "I gave her her first internship"? LOGAN: This is one of dad's things, Rory, grabbing credit wherever he can, whether it's earned or not. RORY: Everyone in America has read this. LOGAN: The Wall Street Journal's readership is high, but it's not quite 300 million. RORY: Well, enough people have read it. LOGAN: Look the beauty of a daily paper, it's in everybody's recycling bin the next morning. This will be forgotten. RORY: It won't. LOGAN: It will. RORY: I remember everything I read, front page, op-ed, concert reviews, it never leaves. My eyes accidentally flit over an obituary, as I'm hunting for the metro section and I can remember the deceased's first wife's name a full month afterward. I mean, and that's just a flit, not even a perusal. If I perused it, I could give you his grandkids in alphabetical order five years later. LOGAN: Ace, ace, you drinking this in? RORY: What? LOGAN: Helen Keller just signed water, Annie. RORY: You walked! LOGAN: All by my lonesome. You proud of your boy? RORY: I'm very proud. Oh, and your color's coming back. You've gone from white to off-white. LOGAN: Hey, can we get to the bottom line on this article here? RORY: Give it to me. LOGAN: It's all good. It's very positive what he seed to you. A powerful man is citing you as one of his accomplishments. It is no way a dis. RORY: I know. LOGAN: It's actually a good thing, so you should let it go. RORY: Never! GILMORE MANSION [Lorelai enters, it's day time but the house is dark] LORELAI: Hello? Mom? EMILY: In here. LORELAI: Oh, I'm sorry. Mrs. Onassis, I was looking for my mother. EMILY: Will you at least promise to keep your comedy set at my funeral to under five minutes? LORELAI: Sorry, mom. How are you feeling? EMILY: Horrible. That quack eye surgeon blinded me for life. LORELAI: I don't think he blinded you for life. EMILY: Well, he blinded me for the next two days, at least. The procedure was a disaster. He did one eye and then announced that the new procedure didn't comport to the anatomy of my eye, so he had to resort to the old procedure, which I absolutely did not want. LORELAI: 'Cause it's so last year. EMILY: And, of course, he wouldn't go near the other eye until he saw how this one healed. LORELAI: Well, that makes sense. EMILY: And then Dr. Mengele told me to rest and is having me put eyedrops in every hour, further impeding my vision. And to top it off, the man looked nothing like Marcus Welby. LORELAI: Okay, mom, where are all the people? EMILY: What people? LORELAI: Well Dad made it seem like you were surrounded by a small army you know, enough people to care for you, then go topple Saddam's statue. EMILY: They're all gone. LORELAI: Gone where? EMILY: To hell, I hope, one person more incompetent than the rest. LORELAI: But all of them? The nurse? EMILY: They'll do a "60 minutes" on that woman one day. Mark my words! LORELAI: Uh, housekeepers? EMILY: Ate everything that wasn't nailed down. LORELAI: The errand boys? EMILY: Their pants hung down below their underwear, and no one was worse than the driver he got me. Have you ever met the cab drivers in Prague? LORELAI: Uh, no. EMILY: Well, they would hide their wallets from this man. Plus I think he had a gun in his pocket. LORELAI: Maybe he was just happy to see you. EMILY: Lorelai, up. [Lorelai moves to sit next to Emily] It doesn't matter anyhow. I'm fine getting my own food, and I don't need people underfoot. I called the agency, and a new maid will be here tomorrow morning, but I need to run some errands today, and, obviously, I can't drive. You'll have to do that. LORELAI: Do what? EMILY: Drive me. LORELAI: Oh mom why don't you just give me the list of errands and I'll do them for you? EMILY: No it would take too much explanation. Grab my bag, please. LORELAI: Mom, seriously, um what kind of errands are they? Shopping, banking, hardware store? EMILY: I need to get my coat first. LORELAI: Mom, is it dealing in human trafficking? 'Cause I'm an excellent people person. [SCENE_BREAK] [cut to outside the mansion] LORELAI: Mom, mom, you've got to look up. EMILY: I can't look up. The sun causes searing pain. LORELAI: Mom, the sun can't even find you under that hat. If we put that hat on frosty the snowman, he'd be living in Miami right now. EMILY: You're a very insensitive person, you know that? LORELAI: Yes, I do. Here we go. EMILY: What is this? LORELAI: This is my car. EMILY: We have to take the other car. LORELAI: What other car? [Points to a big SUV] That's not a car. That's a rap-video set. EMILY: I ordered it specially. It has the darkest windows available. They say it's the car jay-z uses when he's in town. I assume that's an entertainer of some sort. The windows are bulletproof. They kept saying that as if it's a selling point. I told them I was not paying extra for bulletproof windows. I haven't been strafed in years. LORELAI: Mom, I don't understand, what do you mean, we'll take this car? I thought the driver left. EMILY: He did. LORELAI: Is there another one coming? EMILY: No. LORELAI: Well, who's gonna drive? EMILY: You are. LORELAI: I can't drive that. EMILY: Why not? LORELAI: Because, look at it. I'm sure you need a special license or something. EMILY: Lorelai, I cannot ride in your jeep. It's completely exposed to the elements. You do remember I'm recovering from surgery, don't you? LORELAI: No really, I thought you were just doing your best Mia Farrow in "Broadway Danny Rose" impersonation. EMILY: Lorelai, I need my prescriptions. If I don't get my prescriptions, infection will set in, and I will lose my eyesight completely, and you will be doing this more than just today. Now, what's it going to be? [Lorelai opens the door] LORELAI: Ridiculous Sarah Bernhardt overdramatic... EMILY: My hearing's just fine, Lorelai. LORELAI: Sorry. [Closes the door after Emily gets in, sighs] BAR [Luke walks in] T.J.: Hey, Luke, what are you doing here? LUKE: You know why I'm here. Get up. T.J.: What? LUKE: Get up! T.J.: Okay. LUKE: Now, I am not here to listen to you explain your side or rationalize things or justify your actions. I am here for one reason only, to punch you out. T.J.: Hey, cool. You see that? That was like in an old western where everyone cleared the bar. I never seen that in person. LUKE: Don't be cute. Just get ready to be hurt. T.J.: Damn. LUKE: What? T.J.: I just wish I was drinking faster. Cause If I was more drunk, getting punched out wouldn't hurt so much. LUKE: Just shut up and let's do this. T.J.: Go ahead. LUKE: Well, get ready. T.J.: I'm ready. LUKE: Raise your arms or something. T.J.: No. LUKE: I'm not gonna punch you like this. T.J.: I thought that's why you came. LUKE: I came to fight. T.J.: Let's do it. LUKE: Then raise your arms! T.J.: No! LUKE: T.J.! T.J.: I'm not hitting you, Luke. I got nothing against you. Plus there's no fighting inside. It's Lanny's top rule, along with no burning down the place. That actually comes first. LUKE: Well, then, let's take it outside. T.J.: Luke let me ask you one question, really quick and then you can take me outside and clobber me. LUKE: Okay, what? T.J.: What the hell is this about? LUKE: You're unbelievable! It's about Liz! T.J.: What about her? Is she all right? LUKE: All right? You walked out on her! T.J.: No, I didn't. LUKE: Yeah, you did. That's why you're here drinking in the afternoon. T.J.: That's not why I'm here drinking. I'm drinking because I'm upset. LUKE: You're upset?! You abandoned Liz and your baby! T.J.: Hey, I would never do that. I love your sister, Luke. She threw me out. LUKE: That's not what she said. T.J.: We came home from the fair. It was great. We were both happy. We made money. Then Liz goes to the doctor, and she comes home and tells me she's pregnant. I hug her. I kiss her. I'm crying, I'm so happy. Then I turn to grab the phone to tell the family, and an ashtray hits me in the back of the head, then a phone book and a stapler and our statue of a happy clown playing the saxophone. LUKE: I'm not getting this. T.J.: She's yelling at me saying things like, "this ain't gonna work. You're gonna mess this kid up. You can't raise a kid." She's saying, "this kid will grow up with no discipline. "It'll get out of control. Then we'll end up having to send it away." I tell her she's wrong. I'll do whatever's needed. I'll read every book on the subject, even though I hate reading worse than I hate public television. But Liz won't hear it. She tells me to go. LUKE: She told you to go? T.J.: So I packed a bag and left. I didn't want to, but Liz is always right about everything, and if my staying around is gonna screw up the kid like that, I'm gone, no questions asked. LUKE: Oh, jeez, Liz. [Sighs] T.J.: What? LUKE: Have a seat, T.J. Give me a beer. Listen, T.J... Liz wasn't talking to you when she was saying all that stuff. She was talking to herself. T.J.: I'm pretty sure she was talking to me. She kept saying my name. LUKE: No, when she said you were gonna mess up the baby, she was saying something else. Just take out the "you." Make it an "I." T.J.: She meant you're gonna screw up the baby? LUKE: No, she meant she was. T.J.: And I was. LUKE: No, just her. T.J.: Then why didn't she throw the ashtray at herself? LUKE: Because she was taking it out on you. T.J.: Oh. This is complicated. LUKE: That's because people are. Sometimes they just don't say what they mean. T.J.: Yeah I hate that it's hard enough following them when they're talking about what they're talking about. LUKE: That's the trick with relationships, believe me. Look, you have to try to tune in what your partner means as opposed to what she's actually saying. They sometimes won't tell you how they're feeling, but your job is to try to figure out what she's saying from what she actually says. T.J.: Wow. LUKE: Yeah. T.J.: I got none of that. LUKE: It's okay. It's all gonna be okay. I'm gonna make this okay. ROAD [Lorelai is driving the SUV, a car honks it's horn as it passes them.] LORELAI: Ah, sorry. EMILY: Lorelai, be careful. LORELAI: I'm not used to driving a missile silo down the street. EMILY: Oh, stop being so dramatic. LORELAI: Yeah, wouldn't want to be dramatic. EMILY: All right, get over here. You're going to turn right. LORELAI: [car horn honks] Aaah! Sorry! EMILY: Lorelai! LORELAI: Well, it's a big freakin' car, mom. EMILY: You're gonna give me a heart attack. LORELAI: Mom, please, how long is this gonna go on? You won't tell me where we're going. You give me block-by-block instructions. EMILY: My goodness Lorelai you've been complaining since we got started. LORELAI: No, I haven't. EMILY: When we had to go to three different drugstores? LORELAI: Well, come on. EMILY: I don't trust generic. LORELAI: Mom, it's the same thing. EMILY: If I'm willing to pay full price, then I deserve to have my drug bottle say "valium" on it. LORELAI: Fine. EMILY: I don't see why that's insane. LORELAI: Fine. EMILY: So, have you talked to Christopher lately? LORELAI: Uh, no, not lately lately. EMILY: I have. LORELAI: Well, bully for you. EMILY: You know, your father and I enjoyed our little sit-down with him very much. LORELAI: Oh, I'm glad. EMILY: You know, I'd forgotten what a handsome man Christopher is. He was wearing a very nice blue tie. And his hair is very short. Normally, I don't like a man's hair that short. It makes him look like a convict or a masseuse, but I think it works on him. LORELAI: Yeah, I'm sure it does. EMILY: He seemed lonely, though. LORELAI: What? EMILY: He's not dating anyone. I asked. LORELAI: Well, he's got G.G. EMILY: Who's G.G.? LORELAI: His daughter, mom. EMILY: Oh well, we didn't discuss that. But I could tell he was lonely. LORELAI: I'm sure he's fine. EMILY: You know, I've been racking my brain, trying to think of a nice girl to set him up with. Cezanne Moriarty just got divorced, and she looks wonderful. She'd go perfectly with his hair and tie. Cezanne Moriarty is 10 years older than Christopher. EMILY: Lorelai, you were in the same class together. LORELAI: I know. It's 'cause she was stupid. We used to call her "moroniarty." EMILY: Well, Loretta singer's husband just died. She'll be back from Bali soon. LORELAI: She's got a horse face. EMILY: Not anymore. LORELAI: She's not his type, mom. EMILY: What about Brandi Covington? She's a lovely girl with a wonderful sense of humor. LORELAI: "A wonderful sense of humor"? EMILY: Yes. LORELAI: What joke has Brandi Covington ever told? EMILY: Well, I don't know. LORELAI: She has a wonderful sense of humor. Tell me one of her jokes. EMILY: I don't know any. LORELAI: An amusing anecdote she's told? EMILY: I don't know, Lorelai. LORELAI: A giggle-inducing pun. EMILY: Lorelai. LORELAI: Dirty limericks, song parody. EMILY: Well, she has a lovely laugh. LORELAI: Oh, so she does not have a wonderful sense of humor, she can appreciate a wonderful sense of humor. EMILY: I guess that's right. LORELAI: Fine, tell me a joke she's laughed at. EMILY: You're being impossible. LORELAI: Mother, Christopher can get his own girls. Now, he's busy with G.G., But when the time is right, he'll date. Just sit back and let me drive. EMILY: Rory thinks he's lonely, too. LORELAI: [A car honk it's horn, Lorelai honks back.] I'm in a tank, pal! Come and get me! YALE DAILY NEWSROOM RORY: Sheila's out today, so warn Mark that there's going to be an unexpected, enormous pile of annoyance on his desk and just to deal with it. KIMBERLY: [Speaker phone] Hello? RORY: [Rory picks up the hand set] Yes, hello. Is this Kimberly wells? KIMBERLY: Yes, it is. RORY: Thank you for taking my call, Ms. Wells. KIMBERLY: Call me "Kimberly." RORY: Okay, Kimberly, the reason I'm calling is... KIMBERLY: Something to do with my interview with Huntzberger right? RORY: Yes, it has to do with that. BILL: Give 'em hell, Harry. KIMBERLY: So, what's this about? RORY: I'm calling to request a correction. KIMBERLY: Oh, to what? RORY: To everything that Mitchum said about me. KIMBERLY: I'm looking at the piece now. He didn't say much about you. RORY: Hmm. Well, that's the thing, he didn't use many words, but he said a lot. KIMBERLY: "And Rory Gilmore, "I gave her her first internship at my Stamford paper, and now she's editor of the Yale Daily News." What part of that is wrong? RORY: None of it, technically, but essentially, it's all a lie. KIMBERLY: Did he give you an internship at the Stamford eagle-gazette? RORY: Yes, he did, but... KIMBERLY: And are you not editor of the Yale Daily News? RORY: Well, I am, actually, but it's the impression he left that he gave me my start. He did not give me my start. BILL: Tell her if a correction's not appropriate, maybe a clarification is. RORY: That's dumb. BILL: Doesn't hurt to ask. KIMBERLY: Hello? RORY: Sorry. I got distracted. Um, here's the thing, Mitchum is depicting me as one of the feathers in his cap. I am not one of his feathers. KIMBERLY: Yes, but here's our thing, we can't print corrections to impressions. That would be chaos. RORY: Even if the impression is wildly misleading? KIMBERLY: Again, that's an impression. We don't correct impressions. RORY: I see. What about a clarification? BILL: Good girl. KIMBERLY: We don't do those either. RORY: I see. KIMBERLY: I really need to run. RORY: You know it's just gonna bug me forever that he put this out there. KIMBERLY: That's showbiz. RORY: Okay, you're right. I mean, I guess it's gonna be in people's recycling bins by tonight and totally forgotten by tomorrow, right? KIMBERLY: Actually, I always hope that the stuff I work so hard on isn't just totally forgotten the next day. RORY: Oh, yeah, well, me too. I mean, back at you, sister. Um, thank you for your time. BILL: Wait, wait. RORY: Could you hold on a second, please? [To Bill] What? BILL: Ask her if there are any internships available, it could fax her my... RORY: Ugh! Thank you for your time. LUKE'S DINER [Liz is at a table with 4 other women] WOMAN: I tell him to clear the plates, and he's like, "I'm tired. I've been on my feet all day." And I'm like, "I don't care if you've been on your feet all day "at that crappy job that doesn't pay enough that we can even go to Dollywood once in a while." LIZ: Yeah, that's not good, not going to dollywood. It's rude. WOMAN: He could have taken one of his city tests, and maybe he could have been a cop or something, not that he could fire a gun straight. I kick his ass at the shooting range every time. LIZ: Yeah, the yin of it, the yang of it totally... LUKE: Liz? LIZ: Oh, hey, big brother. Excuse me, girls. LUKE: Um, who are they? LIZ: They're the support group of single moms I hooked up with. They're horrible! All they do is bitch, bitch, bitch. I'd have left every one of them, too. LUKE: So, Liz... look at me. Now, listen. LIZ: I'm listening. LUKE: You are gonna be a great mother to this kid. LIZ: What? LUKE: You heard me. You're in the best shape you've ever been. You've got money. Jess turned out fine. Your son turned out fine. He's doing great. LIZ: Yeah, but... LUKE: Put your fears aside. I know you can do this. LIZ: I'm scared. LUKE: But you've got help. You've got a good man. He loves you. He's gonna be a great dad, if you let him. LIZ: If he'll forgive me. [Luke points outside, Liz looks] T.J. LUKE: He was too afraid to come inside. LIZ: He's not wearing a jacket. LUKE: I told him to bring a jacket. LIZ: He's always forgetting his jacket. LUKE: All right, he needs you, you need him, now go to him. Make up, go home, okay? Go home with T.J. LIZ: Thanks, Luke. WOMAN: Where are you going, Liz? LIZ: My man's here. WOMAN: Oh, yeah. Looks like a real winner. LUKE: So, can I get you ladies anything, compassion, perspective? [Luke looks out to see Liz and T.J. kissing and making up] SUV PULLING UP LORELAI: [Sighs] Okay, mom, what's next? EMILY: You don't have to say it like that. LORELAI: I just spent the last hour and a half watching you get a manicure. EMILY: It's my standing appointment, Lorelai. LORELAI: Yes, except I was the one standing 'cause there weren't enough seats. EMILY: Well if I'd missed that appointment, it would be week before I could get another and I'd be walking around with hobo hands. Now, stop being so surly. This is the last stop. EMILY: Great. You realize we're in Beacon Falls? EMILY: So what? LORELAI: So we've driven almost as far as Stars Hollow. Now I'll have to drive you all the way back to Hartford. EMILY: Well, I'm sorry, Lorelai. Next time I have some sort of illness, you can put me on an iceberg and float me out to sea. Lets go. LORELAI: This is a real-estate office. What errand do you have to run at a real-estate office? EMILY: Are you coming? LORELAI: Am I coming with you to the real-estate office? EMILY: Don't forget to lock the door. I'm leaving my bananas here. LORELAI: Mom, why are we going to a real-estate office? Mom! Ugh! [Cut to inside the real-estate office ] EMILY: Excuse me. I'm... LORENE: Emily? EMILY: Lorene, hi. I'm sorry if we're late. I had this awful surgery yesterday, and today has been a nightmare. LORENE: Oh, I hope you're feeling all right. LORELAI: Oh, she's fine. Dragging that cross around made her a little tired. EMILY: Lorene, this is my daughter, Lorelai. She has headaches, and that tends to make her babble. LORENE: Oh, I'm sorry. Can I get you some aspirin? LORELAI: Oh, no, thanks. I'm okay. I've had the headache for 38 years. EMILY: We are anxious to see those pictures. LORELAI: What pictures? LORENE: All right. Well, follow me. I have the whole presentation ready for you. LORELAI: What presentation? EMILY: Lorene, how are your twins? LORENE: They are going to be seniors next fall. EMILY: They grow up so fast, don't they? LORELAI: Like weeds. What presentation are we looking at? LORENE: Here we are. LORELAI: Mom. LORENE: So, I talked to the owner, and he said that they would be willing to throw in any of the furniture or appliances that we might like, completely up to you. EMILY: Well, that's wonderful. LORELAI: Why is that wonderful, why is throwing in furniture and appliances wonderful, mom? EMILY: Go on, Lorene. LORENE: Anyhow, the pictures are pretty complete, but I can get us in this weekend if you would like to take a closer look yourself. LORELAI: Do you, mom? Do you want to take a closer look? LORENE: This is only the second time that this house has been on the market in 100 years. It's got 5 bedrooms, 4 1/2 baths with a library, a sun porch. It's on 3 acres with a very small what they call a fishing hole, which is really a little pond, but it's very charming, and it has stables for horses. EMILY: I thought so. LORENE: The roof is in good shape, but I think that the plumbing will need some updating. But the sellers are motivated, and I think it's a pretty special property. EMILY: I do, too. [To Lorelai] Don't you? Lorelai? Are you breathing? LORELAI: Why are you looking at this house, mom? EMILY: [To Lorene] Would you give us a minute? LORENE: Of course. I'll be right over here if you need me. EMILY: Well, what do you think? LORELAI: Mom, please, tell me what is going on. EMILY: I will tell you what's going on as soon as you tell me honestly what you think of this house. LORELAI: I think it's fine. EMILY: "Fine"?! LORELAI: Mom, it doesn't look like your type of house at all. EMILY: I did not ask if you thought it was my type of house. I asked what you thought of the house. LORELAI: Well, I think it's a beautiful house. EMILY: So do I. LORELAI: You already have a beautiful house, mom. EMILY: Oh I know, this house is not for me. It's for you. LORELAI: [surprised] Me? EMILY: You and Luke. Now, before you get your nose out of joint and accuse me of interfering, hear me out. I think your house is very nice. I know you've put a lot of work into it. But, Lorelai, it's too small for the two of you, especially when you have children, if you have children, I mean. A man needs his own space and room, and Luke does not have that at your house. Also, I know you've always wanted horses, so I thought something with a little property might be nice. Now, I know it's not actually in Stars Hollow, but it's right on the border. It's only an extra 10 minutes to the inn and an extra 5 minutes to the diner. Plus I did a little nosing around, and I heard that if you grease the palm of the stars hollow zoning commissioner, a man named Taylor Doose, you can get him to change property lines, so we can give you a stars hollow address if it's really important to you. LORELAI: You want to buy us a house? [she get up to look at the pictures] EMILY: Well, I know you're not going to let me give you a wedding, so I thought a house would do. LORELAI: All that running around Stars Hollow, you and dad were looking for a house for me? EMILY: Well of course, you didn't think we wanted to live there, did you? Small-town charm is good for a weekend, Lorelai, but I have no interest in having a next-door neighbor walk in with a pie, wanting to chat. I would kill myself and my neighbors. [Lorelai starting to look sad] Now, I'm sure Luke will need some convincing. He doesn't look like the kind of man who willingly takes extravagant gifts from people, so I've concocted a few good lies we can tell him. It's for his own good, and once the two of you in the house... LORELAI: it's not gonna happen. [Starting to cry] EMILY: What? Well, of course it will. If we have to pay more than the asking price, your father and I are totally prepared... LORELAI: Luke and I, the wedding, it's not gonna happen. EMILY: What? LORELAI: [Sniffles] [Emily comes over and puts her hand on her shoulder. TOWN SQUARE SOOKIE: Jackson! JACKSON: Keep up. SOOKIE: Stop trotting. JACKSON: We're on a mission here. SOOKIE: The faster we move, the more chance there is we'll draw attention. JACKSON: No, the slower we move, the more time there is to have people's attention drawn to us. SOOKIE: I'm toting heavy bags here. JACKSON: Don't say that out loud. SOOKIE: I didn't say what was in the bag. JACKSON: And not saying what's in the bag is going to make people think we have something in it we're hiding. SOOKIE: [Sees a car go past] Narcs! [They hide] What the hell are the Petersons doing out this late? JACKSON: They're bad. They're bad people. SOOKIE: Said the people trying to ditch a kilo of weed. JACKSON: Sookie, the code word! SOOKIE: Pickles, pickles! I know, the pickles! Let's just get rid of this and go home. JACKSON: [Grunting] SOOKIE: Oh, god. TROUBADOUR: Oh, hey, you two. What's up? JACKSON: Nothing. SOOKIE: Nothing's going on here. TROUBADOUR: I just got the most incredible news. A tour manager was walking around town, and he heard me, and he asked me to open for Neil Young on a bunch of east coast dates. JACKSON: Great. SOOKIE: See you. JACKSON: That was close. SOOKIE: Does Neil toke? We could give all of this to the town troubadour to give to him. JACKSON: I think if he tokes, he's already got a connection. SOOKIE: Of course. He's Neil Young. [Gasps] Reverend Skinner. JACKSON: Rabbi Moranz. REVEREND SKINNER: Hello, you two. JACKSON: What are you doing out this late? SOOKIE: Yeah, what are you doing out this late? RABBI MORANZ: Archie and I like to take a stroll around town at night. REVEREND SKINNER: It's so quite. RABBI MORANZ: Good time to talk about philosophy. REVEREND SKINNER: Good time to talk about god. JACKSON: Yes, it's a great time to talk about god. SOOKIE: He's a good guy, that god. RABBI MORANZ: Would you like to join us? [Together] SOOKIE and JACKSON: No!No! SOOKIE: We're going to hell. JACKSON: Just keep running. SOOKIE AND JACKSON'S HOUSE [Knock on door] SOOKIE: Who is it? LORELAI: Me. SOOKIE: [Opens door] Oh. JACKSON: Hey. SOOKIE: Honey what are you doing here? LORELAI: Can I come in? SOOKIE: Of course. JACKSON: Come on in. Can we get you something? LORELAI: Um, no, thanks. I just need to hang out for a while. SOOKIE: Sit, honey. JACKSON: Yeah, sit. LORELAI: Thanks. [Sighs... Inhales...Exhales deeply] What's that smell? SOOKIE: 68 pounds of marijuana. LORELAI: Mmm.

Rory is strict in keeping Logan on bed rest following his release from the hospital, enlisting the help of Paris and Doyle to assure that he does not strain himself. She finds herself distracted, however, upon discovering that Mitchum spoke of her in an interview with the Wall Street Journal. Meanwhile, Emily suffers temporary blindness after a botched eye surgery and asks Lorelai's help in running errands after firing all of her hired help. Elsewhere, Liz announces her pregnancy to Luke and reveals that there is trouble between her and TJ.

fd_The_Mentalist_02x16

fd_The_Mentalist_02x16_0

Zitek Biosystems Facility. Los Corrados, California A woman in a white coat goes into the building, enters a secure lab. She opens a steel box and inside are 5 vials, the sixth is missing. She looks everywhere, the vial is uncapped and she is scared. Two men enter the lab, one in a white coat and the second in a suit. Man in Coat: I daresay you've inspected more modern facilities in your travels, but, uh Woman in Coat: Griffin... Don't come in here. Man in Coat: Dr. Seberg, what's wrong? Oh, my God. CBI. - Lisbon's office (Jane, Lisbon, Rigsby) (Jane enters the office) Jane: Hey. Lisbon (working at his computer): Hey. Jane: Cheer up. Lisbon: Why? Jane: Uh, 'cause it's better to be happy than sad. Lisbon: I'm not sad. Jane: You're very sad. You've been sad for months, ever since, uh Lisbon: What, is this some sort of therapy session? Did you bring tissue in case you make me cry? Jane: There we go. Zing of anger- gets the blood up. That's a good start. Lisbon: Is this what you came here for, to zing me? Because I've got paperwork to do. Rigsby (motions him into the office): Jane, call for you. They say it's extremely urgent. Line two. Jane: Ooh... (he picks up the phone) This is Jane. Woman in Coat: Good morning, Mr. Jane. My name is Dr. Alicia Seberg. I gather from a brief search on the internet that you're the best Detective in my immediate vicinity. Jane: Oh. Well, um... you flatter me, but, uh, I'm not actually a detective. Dr. Alicia Seberg: I need your professional assistance. Please come immediately. I've been murdered. Credits Outdoors day. A helicopter flies over a building, there is a parking lot. (Jane, Lisbon, Dean Harken, Scott Price) (Jane and Lisbon get out of the helicopter) Jane (excited): Whoo! That was fun! Whoo! Lisbon: Agent Lisbon! CBI! Man: Ma'am, sir, please follow me. Jane: All right! Man in a dark suit: Agent Lisbon. (to Jane) And you are... Jane: I'm this guy, (he shows his card to the man) Patrick Jane. Consultant Man in a dark suit: Okay, Teresa, Patrick, glad to meet you both. I'm Dean Harken, California Disease Control Authority. Lisbon: Nice to meet you. Dean Harken: Yeah, we have a potential code red virus outbreak situation here. This facility is under C. D.C. A. Control, as per state emergency protocols. Thousands of people might die if we don't get this right, okay? Lisbon: We've been apprised of the basic... Dean Harken: Now she's denying it, of course, but this situation's almost certainly resulted from an error by Dr. Seberg. There's no criminality involved, so you're not really needed here. Lisbon: Probably but we're gonna have Dean Harken: As a professional courtesy, I'm gonna let you into the facility. I'm happy for you guys to observe and gather evidence, as long as you remember that C. D.C. A. Is big dog here. Our investigation has priority. Now are we cool with that? Lisbon: Absolutely. Jane: Can I see your I. D. Also? Dean Harken: Sure. Jane: Thank you... Dean. No picture. That's a shame. You're a good-looking man. Scott Price: Scott Price, I manage this facility for Zitek Biosystems division. Right off the bat, let me assure you that we as a company are 110% committed to giving you the best possible cooperation. Lisbon: Thank you, Mr. Price. Shall we? There's a sense of urgency here. Scott Price: Ah, yes, of course. (they head to a building, a walkway) Dean Harken: Lisbon, Jane, Dr. Edmunds, head of research here. He'll take you to the release incident. Price, come with me. Dr. Cliff Edmunds: Thank you for coming so quickly. Lisbon: What exactly is it that you do here? Dr. Cliff Edmunds: Biowarfare. With modern technology, Anthrax, botulism, bubonic plague, even cobra venom all he strong weaponizing potential. It's a growing field. A lot of exciting developments. Jane: You develop ways of killing people in large numbers. Dr. Cliff Edmunds: To the contrary. We develop antidotes, ways to combat the things that kill large numbers of people. (he puts his eye to a scanner, that opens a door to the lab) Here we are. Follow me. (They enter the lab where Alicia Seberg is) Dr. Alicia Seberg: 120. Darling. Is this Mr. Jane? Dr. Cliff Edmunds: Yes. How are you feeling? Dr. Alicia Seberg: The same. Man in a white coat: Interesting improvement in cardiac rate, though. Dr. Alicia Seberg: My metabolism's trying to fight back with adrenaline. Good morning, Mr. Jane. Jane: Hi. Lisbon: Agent Lisbon, CBI. You mind running this down for us? Dr. Alicia Seberg: Someone opened this flask and left it under the tank. It contains an airborne form of cryptohansa b strain. It's an engineered supervirus. If it escaped from this room, it would kill every vertebrate creature within a quarter-mile radius. It attacks the red blood cells, gradually stops them from delivering oxygen. The victim... dies from suffocation or a heart attack, depending on their physical condition. We estimate anywhere from two to six hours. Jane: So you could die at any time? Dr. Alicia Seberg: Yes. Jane: Harken says you did this yourself, tragic error. Dr. Alicia Seberg: He's a bureaucrat. He's looking for the easy answer. It takes four distinct steps to remove a cap from one of these flasks, and we never open a flask outside of the tank. That's just basic. I can assure you both, I had nothing to do with this. But this was no mistake. Whoever did this wanted me dead. Everybody knows I take the first shift. Jane: She called you "darling." You both have wedding bands. You husband and wife? Dr. Cliff Edmunds: Yes. Jane: Well, she looks surprised because you seem incredibly calm and cool for a man whose wife is dying. Dr. Cliff Edmunds: How would an absence of calm and cool be useful to her? Jane: Good point. Correct me if I'm wrong, but for the killer to open the flask, they would have to expose themselves to the virus, which case, they would be dying or possibly dead already. Dr. Alicia Seberg: No, there's an antidote. It's an enzyme compound. If taken before exposure, it prevents infection. I assume whoever did this took a dose. Lisbon: Couldn't you j... Dr. Alicia Seberg: No, I can't take it now. The antidote only works if taken before exposure, as I said. Lisbon: Why didn't you take it before, just as a precaution? Dr. Alicia Seberg: The side effects of regular use are far too severe. Lisbon: Who else had access to the virus flask? Dr. Alicia Seberg: The only people allowed in the lab are Cliff and I, Welks, Nash and Tripp, our colleagues. We have a state-of-the-art biometric security system, as you can see. Jane: So your husband or one of the three colleagues is the killer... Sorry. Uh, will be the killer. Lisbon: Jane. Jane: I'm just... Mm. Dr. Alicia Seberg: That's all right. That is the unavoidable conclusion. Yes. Lisbon: Where are the other three now? Dr. Cliff Edmunds: Harken is having them fill out an accident report. Lisbon: We're gonna need to speak to them. In the Zitek corridors (Jane, Lisbon) Jane: Ooh, this is a good one, eh? Lisbon: Good? Jane: Well, interesting. Unique. Lisbon: If you're a jaded, ghoulish adventure seeker. Jane: Ghoulish? Listen, if people are gonna kill each other and we have to catch them, I would much rather they go about it with some kind of originality. (Lisbon makes a call) In the CBI team office. (Van Pelt, Cho, Rigsby) Van Pelt: Boss? Lisbon: Hey, Van Pelt. I need you to do background checks on Cliff Edmunds... Lilith Nash, Griffin Latimer Welks, Florian Eric Tripp. I'm sending you their details now. Rigsby: Anything to be looking out for in particular? Oh, uh, one of them released a lethal supervirus. That could kill half the state of California, so I guess we're looking for someone with a prior background as an evil supervillain. Cho: Okay. Lisbon: That last part was a joke. Cho: Yeah, we get it. Lisbon: Later. In a Zitec meeting room (Jane, Lisbon, Dean Harken, Florian Eric Tripp, Lilith Nash, Griffin Latimer) (Two men and a woman in a white gown complete a form seated at a conference table, Jane moves around the table) Jane: Hello. The three together: Hi. Hello. Hello. Griffin Latimer: What are you doin'? Jane: What does it look like I'm doing? Griffin Latimer: Trying to make us nervous? Jane: Correct. How am I doing? Griffin Latimer: Doing well. Jane: Excellent. Griffin Latimer: But why? Lisbon: One of you three murdered Alicia Seberg, or her husband did. It's our job to find out who. Jane: And we're in a hurry, and nervous people are easy to read. Florian Eric Tripp: And what do you gather from all this reading? Jane: Well, you're an open book. You're exactly what you seem to be... a straight arrow, a boy scout. Am I right? Florian Eric Tripp: No. Jane: I'm wrong. There's a hidden side to you. Florian Eric Tripp: Yes, but... Jane: What are you hiding? Florian Eric Tripp: Nothing. Jane: What is he hiding, Lilith? Florian Eric Tripp: I don't know. Jane: What are you hidi? Lilith Nash: I, I'm not... Jane: It was you, wasn't it? Griffin Latimer: Me what? Jane: You were having an affair with Alicia Seberg. Griffin Latimer: What? No, not with me. Jane: Not with you. With who, then? Griffin Latimer:: I oversee equipment and inventory, not my colleagues' private lives. Jane: But she was having an affair, huh? Why else would a husband have the motives to kill her? And if it wasn't her husband, it was one of you. Who was it? My guess... Kaseem. (Florian was writing notes abruptly raises his head) Yes! Lisbon: Does her husband know? Florian Eric Tripp: Oh, he knows. Lilith Nash: Dr. Edmunds a kind, gentle man. He couldn't have done this. Jane: Thank you, Lilith, Florian... Griffin. (Jane and Lisbon go back into the lab where Alicia Seberg, Isabel Seberg are) (Jane, Lisbon, Dr. Alicia Seberg, Dr. Cliff Edmunds, Dr. Jason Kaseem) Jane: Why didn't you tell us you were having an affair with Dr. Kaseem here? Dr. Alicia Seberg: Because it isn't relevant. Dr. Cliff Edmunds: Yeah, we have an honest and open marriage. Dr. Jason Kaseem: They do. Lisbon: Really? You don't mind? Dr. Cliff Edmunds: No, I don't mind at all. Fidelity is sily a cultural convention. Jane: Like clothes and not killing people. Dr. Cliff Edmunds: You could say so. Lisbon: Come on. It must bug you a little. Dr. Cliff Edmunds: No. We love each other. Her hainess is mine. It's not like I don't have affairs myself. Lisbon: Are you having an affair presently? Dr. Cliff Edmunds: No. I've been far too busy. Lisbon: Y, you must think this is a little weird. Dr. Jason Kaseem: Uh... yeah... at first. But hey. Jane: But hey. What an eloquent phrase that is. (Alicia Seberg's computer makes sounds) Dr. Alicia Seberg: Oh! Isabel. Thank God. Isabel Seberg(the face of a teenager in tears appears on the screen): Mom? Mom, I got dad's message. Is it true? Dr. Alicia Seberg: Yes, it's true. Isabel Seberg: No. No, no, it can't be! Dr. Alicia Seberg: Oh, this is a pickle, isn't it? Oh, baby, don't cry. Don't cry. Isabel Seberg: How can you tell me not to cry? Of course I'm going to cry. Is there something you can do? There has to be something! Dr. Alicia Seberg: Listen to me. We don't have much time, so we mustn't waste it weeping and wailing, okay? Isabel Seberg: Okay. Dr. Alicia Seberg: Good. How's school going? Did you get your calculus grade up? Isabel Seberg: I got a 95 on my last test. Dr. Alicia Seberg: Oh, well done. You keep that up. A... and what about that boy, Andy? How's that going? Isabel Seberg: Oh, he's a jerk. I don't see him anymore. Dr. Alicia Seberg: Well, I must say, I'm glad to hear that. I didn't like the sound of him. (swallows) I love you so much. You're the best thing I ever did. And I am so... Proud of you. Isabel Seberg: Mom. Dr. Alicia Seberg: Shh, shh, shh! When I'm gone, you mustn't waste time being sad. A little while is okay, but not too long. You be brave. And be happy. Bye, baby. Isabel Seberg: Mom! Mom! Dr. Alicia Seberg: Bye, baby. Isabel Seberg: No, mom! Dr. Alicia Seberg (to her husband): Good-bye, my love. Dr. Cliff Edmunds: I love you, darling. Good-bye. (she collapses) Dr. Cliff Edmunds (to daughter): She's gone, baby. She's gone. (Jane seated in a chair, Lisbon standing, Dr. Cliff Edmunds standing behind the lab window, looks at the body of his wife. Harken Dean enters the lab) Dean Harken: She's dead? Lisbon: Yes. Dean Harken (to Cliff Edmunds): I'm, uh... I'm sorry for your loss. My people and I will get prepped for the decontamination procedure. Lisbon: How does that work? Dr. Cliff Edmunds: It's a low-intensity micro-radiation bath built in for this eventuality. The chamber is irradiated. The virus is destroyed. Alicia's body's not harmed. Lisbon: How long until we can examine the crime scene? Dean Harken (to Lisbon): Whoa. It's not a crime scene until you know there's a crime, right? Well, you don't know there's been a murder here. Where's your evidence? Lisbon: Alicia's Seberg's word. Jane: Why would she lie? Dean Harken (to Jane): She had a brain freeze. She screwed up, and she can't admit the fact. It happens. I've been working this beat for a long time. I've seen the same denial, same certainty. It's human nature. Lisbon: I disagree. I believe her. I'm calling this in as a homicide. And I'm sorry if this complicates your work, but it's my job. Dean Harken: That's fine. Okay. Doing your job. But this is still a live outbreak, and I'm in charge here. You wanna make a murder case, we'll deal with the suspects as per C. D.C. A. Protocols. Lisbon: Absolutely. (Harken leaves the lab) CBI - the team's office (Van Pelt, Rigsby) Van Pelt (behind his computer): Until the summer of '08, Seberg, Edmunds, Nash and Tripp all worked together at the Northern California Technology Institute Biochemistry department. Seberg and Edmunds left abruptly... some kind of legal dispute. Rigsby: Okay, Cho and I will check it out. (he leaves) Zitek Meeting Room (Dean Harken, Florian Eric Tripp, Lisbon, Jane) (Harken completes a questionnaire questioning Tripp, Jane and Lisbon are standing at the end of the table) Dean Harken: Have you ever been convicted of a criminal offense? Florian Eric Tripp: No. Dean Harken: Are you now or have you ever been a member of a terrorist organization? Florian Eric Tripp: This is ridiculous. Jane: This is ridiculous. Lisbon: Just let it go. Dean Harken (to Jane and Lisbon): Let's have some quiet back there, huh? Now, Mr. Tripp, please Jane: Why? Dean Harken: Why? Jane: What difference does our silence make? Silent or not, you're still wasting everybody's time with this nonsense. Dean Harken (se leve and s'approche rapidement de Jane): You guys called this homicide, so now we have to run the paperwork. That's how it works. Jane: Still a waste of time. Dean Harken: I thought I made the deal clear to you guys. You really wanna mess with the C. D.C. A.? Lisbon: Absolutely not. I apologize for my colleague's rudeness... Jane: No, she doesn't. I retract that apology. Show some mettle, Lisbon. You know as well as I do, if I have ten minutes with these people, I will get the truth, if there's any useful truth worth having. Lisbon: Excuse us. Jane: Yes, excuse us. We have to have a chat. (Lisbon entraine Jane dans une salle attenante) Lisbon: Cool it, all right? That is an order. Jane: Okay. Just relax. I'm working the case. Lisbon: Let me explain something to you. Jane: Mm-hmm. Lisbon: This is politics. The C. D.C. A. is rich, mean and well connected. The CBI in comparison are like poor orphans. We can't make enemies out of them. We need to cooperate with this man. Jane: He irks me. Lisbon: Say it. "I understand." Jane: Hmm. Lisbon: Go. Find yourself a vending machine. Buy yourself a candy bar and come back when you're ready to play nice. Jane: Give me a dollar and I will. Lisbon (she angrily put a note in Jane's hand): You're paying me back. (They both return to the meeting rooom and Jane only passes through.) Lisbon (to Harken): Carry on. Ext. Daytime. Northern California Technology Institute. (Cho, Rigsby, Professor Green) (In the University corridors.) Professor Green: Oh, my lord. That's terrible. And you suspect foul play of some kind? Cho: Uh, professor, Dr. Seberg and her husband worked here at the institute until '08, as did Florian Tripp and Lilith Nash. Is that correct? Professor Green: Yes. Brilliant research team. We were very sorry to lose them. Money, you know? We tried to hold them to their contract, but Zitek threatened a lawsuit, so they left rather under a cloud. Rigsby: But Edmunds and Seberg as a couple, did they get along? Professor Green: Oh, I think so, despite all. Rigsby: Despite all what? Professor Green: Well, uh, I don't like to listen to that sort of gossip, but, uh, one hears things. Cho: Like? Professor Green: Edmunds was quite the ladies' man. Rigsby: He had affairs. Professor Green: So I gather. Quite the drama sometimes. Cho: Drama of what type? Professor Green: Fireworks, as it were, you know. But as I say, I don't pay attention. Rigsby: Anybody you know who did... pay attention? Professor Green: Ah, I believe one of our grad students in the astrophysics department was, uh, involved. Cho: Name? Professor Green: Greta Skye. Zitek. Lab with deceased Dr. Alicia Seberg (decontamination of the body) (Jane, a technician in a white suit) Jane (a chocolate bar in hand): How long does this decontamination take? Technician: Another hour. Jane: Hmm. (opens a cabinet labelled "BIOHAZARD") Technician: Don't touch that, please. Jane: This is a murder investigation. I can touch what I want. You have a problem with that? Technician: There's dangerous stuff in here, that's all. (Jane looks inside the cabinet, closes it, walks through the lab) Jane: I like what they're doing these days. They're making regular candy bars, only with dark chocolate. You tried that? Technician: No. Jane: You... you want a bite? Technician: No, thank you. Jane: All right. Hmm. really good. (He sees Alicia Seberg still on the computer screen, Isabel cries) Jane: Hi. Can you hear me? Isabel, right? Isabel Seberg: Who are you? Jane: My name's Patrick Jane. I'm here to find out who killed your mother. Isabel Seberg: Good. Kill them, please. Jane: Oh, I wish I was allowed to do that. You know, you should probably step away from your computer. Do you have any friends nearby? Isabel Seberg: I wanna be with my mother. Jane: Yeah. I'm sorry for your loss. Do you have a candy bar around at all? Isabel Seberg: What? Jane: Well, we were just talking chocolate, and it occurred to me that chocolate would be good for you. All that emotion... it wipes you out. And sugar's good for energy. Isabel Seberg: My mother is dead. Jane: Chocolate and grief is a good combination. You should try it. It'll taste so much... Deeper, more intense. Everything will feel that way for a while. You'll feel more alive. You should probably try to hang on to that feeling as long as you can. It's a gift. Isabel Seberg: I guess. Jane: I want you to do something for me now, Isabel. I want you to please turn off your computer and go and tell a friend what's happened. You do that now. (Isabel turns off the computer) (Jane reprend son exploration du labo sous l'oeil quelque peu inquiet du Technician. Il approche de l'eyescan) (Jane looks over the lab, somewhat concerned about the Technician. He approaches the eyescanner.) Jane: Open sesame. (the eyescanner recognises Jane, the lab door opens. Jane falls, the Technician closes the door) Whoa! That wasn't meant to happen, was it? Uh-oh. (Jane quickly exits the lab) Zitek Meeting Room (Dean Harken, Lilith Nash, Lisbon, Jane) Dean Harken: Do you have an advanced degree in any of the physical sciences? Lilith Nash: Yes. Jane (fait irruption dans la salle): Excuse me. Uh... Sorry to interrupt. We need to expand the pool of suspects. Zitek. Lab with deceased Dr. Alicia Seberg (Jane, Lisbon, Dean Harken, Technician) Jane: The tricky little high-tech scanners let anyone in. Dean Harken: That's nonsense. Jane: Try it. Dean Harken: I'll be damned. Jane: See? Same with that door. Anyone at this facility could've gotten to those little virus thingies... anyone. Lisbon: Who's responsible for the operation of the security scanners? Zitek corridors (Lisbon, Jane, Dean Harken, Scott Price) Scott Price: I have no idea. How that could happen. That's outrageous. Dean Harken: It's your job to oversee the security systems here, isn't it? Scott Price: Not the technical aspects, obviously. That's contracted out, but I'll get right on 'em, give 'em a piece of my mind, believe you me. Jane: You're showing us your palms. It's a supplicant gesture, suggesting a guilty conscience. Scott Price (Jane makes the same gestures to Scott): That... that's not valid or relevant. I'm... I'm simply stating the facts. I have no idea why the security system doesn't work. Dean Harken: The man's right. You're not real convincing. Scott Price: I regret that's your opinion, but I, I have no control over that. Dean Harken: Mr. Price, you're under arrest. Scott Price: For what? Dean Harken: Let's see. For one, the murder of Alicia Seberg. Scott Price: That's absurd. Lisbon: And frankly, not your call. Dean Harken: Oh, is that right? Lisbon: Yeah, this homicide investigation is ours. (while Lisbon and Harken argue, Scott Price moves away from the group) Dean Harken: If we can't get along, I'll call my friends at the FBI, get them to take over from you. In fact, I will do that. I'm sorry, little lady... Jane: Maybe you should step back... May, maybe I was right about the supplicant palm gesture. (Lisbon and Harken courent afin de rattraper Price qui a pris la fuite) Yep. (Price monte dans sa voiture, d marre, d fonce une barriere, passe plusieurs postes de surveillance a grande vitesse, pour finalement etre stopp par une voiture) (Price gets into his car, starts, speeds off, only to be stopped by a car) Zitek Meeting Room (Scott Price, Dean Harken, Lisbon, Jane) Scott Price: I... I wanna talk to my lawyer. Lisbon: You have that right, but if it doesn't... Dean Harken: Have you ever sat in the back of a military aircraft with a black hood over your head? Scott Price: Uh... No. Dean Harken: Well, then you got a new experience comin', because that is where this is goin' unless you start talkin' right about now! Lisbon: Um... Look... Dean Harken: Quiet. (to Scott Price) Please. Scott Price: The contractor screwed up. The software glitches constantly, So... they're fixing it. Meanwhile, the system's down... Temporarily. Nobody knew the system was down, so in a way, it worked just as if it was up and running... In a way. Lisbon: How long was it down for? Scott Price: Two... Months. Dean Harken: Two months? Anyone at all could enter the lab... Terrorists, crazies, thieves. Have you any idea how much trouble you're in? Jane: Thieves? People wanna steal germs? Dean Harken: Cryptohansa b strain is a... is a must-have research tool. It's hard to make. It's worth $300,000 a gram in the black market. Jane: Wow. Dean Harken: Isn't that right, Price? And you left the cupboard door wide open. You are yea deep in trouble, pal. You think about your situation for a while. Okay? And we'll talk again. (Dean Harken leaves the room. Jane looks at Price, rises, pats Price on the shoulder, Lisbon and Jane go out of the room) Zitek Corridors (Lisbon, Jane, Dean Harken) Jane (to Harken): You know he didn't kill Alicia Seberg. You just like scaring people, right? Dean Harken: Hey, if there was a murder here, I think he's a very good suspect. Jane: Why? He has no interest in her death. It could only lead to discovery of the security breakdown. Dean Harken: We'll see if he had any other motives. Jane: The salient pot here is that anyone could have gotten to those flasks, not just Price. Kaseem could have, for instance, or you could have. You were already here, weren't you? For an inventory check? What time did you get here, exactly? The night before, right? Dean Harken: You remind me. I was goa call the FBI, replace you people. Lisbon: And I was gonna tell you that's not your call. We're here on the direct say-so of the A. G. Call him. Tell him we're off the case. See what he says. Dean Harken: I might do that. We'll see how it goes, shall we? It's time to open the biohazard chamber. Jane: Oh, that sounds fun, opening the biohazard chamber. In the lab (Lisbon, Jane, Dean Harken, Technician) (le Technician sort la valisette de m tal ayant contenu les flasques de Cryptohansa b, la d pose sur une table) (The Technician places the case containing the Cryptohansa b, on a table) Jane: Shouldn't we be wearing masks or something? Dean Harken: No virus could possibly survive the radiation bath. The virus inside the flasks are still alive, of course. But the flasks are unbreakable. There's no danger. (Harken opens the case) Five flasks intact. Let's get these babies back in deep freeze. (The Technician gets rid of the case into a cupboard) Dean Harken: Okay. We're copacetic. Lisbon: Let's send Alicia Seberg on her way. Dean Harken (to Cliff Edmunds who enters the lab): Doctor, this is a crime scene now. You can't... Lisbon: Let him stay. Northern California Technology Institute corridors (Cho, Rigsby, Greta Skye) Greta Skye: Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Cho: And, Greta, you had a sexual relationship with Cliff Edmunds, the victim's husband, is that right? Greta Skye: No. I mean, yes. It wasn't... well, yes, I did. But I didn't. You don't think I had something to do with killing her? Rigsby: No, ma'am, we're just looking for insight into their relationship. Greta Skye: You think Cliff killed her. Rigsby: Is he the jealous type? Greta Skye: Not at all. Rigsby: Did he ever show violence to you? Greta Skye: No, no. Cliff is a very gentle soul, really. And Alicia's such a cool person. Cho: We heard there was trouble. Greta Skye: No. Well... There was one incident, but it had nothing to do with Cliff or Alicia, really. Cho: Please continue. Greta Skye: We'd been seeing each other for a while. Somebody left a note for me, pushed under by door in the middle of the night. Basically, it said I was a whore and I should stay away from Cliff. It was very ugly. It was anonymous, of course. Cho: Who do you think sent the note? Greta Skye: I thought at first it was Alicia Seberg, naturally. But it turns out she wasn't even in the country. On the night in question. Rigsby: Who's your next best guess Greta Skye: Um, the one time I went to see Cliff at work, there was a lab assistant. She gave me this glare like a death ray, and I thought maybe it was her. Cho: What's her name? Greta Skye: Lilith Nash. Zitek livingroom (Lisbon, Jane, Van Pelt) Jane: The question is why now? What was it that triggered the killing? What changed? Lisbon: What's the answer? Jane: Well, for one thing, Harken showed up. Lisbon: You think Harken did this? Jane: Ooh, I'd like that. But what's his motive? Lisbon (answeing the phone): Van Pelt. Van Pelt (in his office at the CBI): Boss, Cho and Rigsby found an ex-lover of the vic's husband. She thinks Lilith Nash sent her a menacing note. Lisbon: Interesting. (she puts the speaker on so that Jane can hear) Van Pelt: So I dug deeper. Nash is clean under her current name but had a brief marriage in Canada in '96, '97. Under that name, Lilith Blaum, in '99, still in Canada, she had a restraining order taken out against her by her ex-husband and subsequently spent four months in a secure Mental Institute. Jane: Well, that could happen to anyone. Uh, Van Pelt, could you do me a favor? Could you call Cho and Rigsby and have them get out here as quick as possible? Lisbon: Why? Jane: I got a hunch we're gonna need'em. Van Pelt: Okay. Lisbon: Thank you. Van Pelt: Will do. Lisbon: Let's go talk to Nash. Jane: Meh. Lisbon: What? I think she's good for it. Jane: Ah, she's nuts. She's got a nutty little secret crush on the boss, kills the wife. Lisbon: Something like that. Jane: She did seem nervous, but why kill now? And why would she use the virus? Lisbon: I don't know. Let's go and ask her. Jane: Ugh, if you want to. Lisbon: You know, you're just resisting Nash because you didn't peg her right away as the one. Jane: No, I'm resisting Nash because, uh, she isn't the one. But if you wanna go talk to her, let's go talk to her. But whatever you do, do not tell Harken. Lisbon: Why not? It's procedure. Jane: Fig for procedure. He'll stomp all over her she'll clam up you'll get nothing but a waste of time. Lisbon: I'm telling Harken. Jane: Okay. A Zitek Office (Lisbon, Jane, Lilith Nash) (Jane enters an office, seated are: Cliff Edmunds, Griffin Welks, Florian Eric Tripp) Jane: Nash, come with me. Now. (ils entrent dans une piece) Stand there. Listen closely and please tell the truth. Is there a way out of here that avoids the main gates? A back way out? Lilith Nash: Yes. Jane: Where? Lilith Nash: Walk a mile north. There's a culvert that goes under the fence. Halfway along the northeast property line. Jane: Excellent. Now... Tell the truth. Did you ever go by the name Lilith Blaum? Lilith Nash: Yes. Jane: Did you spend time in a mental asylum? Lilith Nash: Yes. Jane: Do you have a secret crush on Cliff Edmunds? Lilith Nash: Yes. Jane: Did you kill Alicia Seberg? Lilith Nash: No. Jane: I believe you, but I know how Harken's thoughts run. A way to blame you will be found. I repeat. I know how Harken's thoughts run. A way to blame you will be found. Do you hear me? Lilith Nash: Yes. Jane: Excellent. (Jane leaves the room) Go. (Jane returns to the office where the three scientists wait) Jane: Did Lilith Nash come back in here? Cliff Edmunds: No. Jane: Uh, that's odd. Dean Harken: Where's Lilith Nash? Cliff Edmunds: Uh, she left with... Jane: You don't need to worry about her. She's not guilty. Dean Harken: And how do you know that? Jane: Because I asked her. She told me. Dean Harken: Uh-huh. And where is she now? Jane: Um... I don't know. Dean Harken (speaking into his jacket): Security. Ext. night, armed men running in all directions in search of Lilith Nash. Int. Zitek building (Dean Harken, Jane, Lisbon) (in the corridors) Dean Harken: She's not in her room. She's nowhere to be found. Jane: Oh, you people are overreacting. I'm sure she's no danger. Dean Harken: She's mentally unstable and probably a killer, but you're sure she's no danger. Well, that's reassuring. Jane: Well, even if she is those things, and I don't say that she is, then she's done her worst already. A man in a suit (calls Harken): Mr. Harken! We have a code red. Jane: What's a code red? Dean Harken: What? No. (they follow, arrive in a rest room, a bottle of virus is open on a table) Lisbon: Oh, no. Jane: Ohh. (Next to the vial, a note: "I am sorry" Cliff Edmunds: Anyone within a quarter-mile radius of this flask is gonna be dead within the next four to six hours. Dean Harken: But I put the flasks in the safe. Lisbon: She must have gotten into the safe somehow. (Lisbon, Harken, Edmunds leave quickly) Jane: W... h-how is that possible? (he follows the group which has just left) In Alicia Seberg's lab (Dean Harken, Jane, Lisbon, Cliff Edmunds, the Technician) (Harken gets out the case containing the remaining flasks of virus. As Harken raises the lid of the carrying case, Jane smashes a flask.) Jane: What was that? Lisbon: A beaker fell. Cliff Edmunds: What? Dean Harken: There's only one missing. That's a relief, anyhow. But how did she do it? Lisbon: Never mind how. She's done it. What do we do now? Cliff Edmunds: Well, there's nothing we can do. In the next four hours, we'll all be dead. Lisbon (Lisbon entraine Jane un peu a l' cart du groupe): Tell me the truth. This is a trick right? Jane: No. Why would I do something like that? What would be the point? Lisbon: Swear on your child's grave. Jane: You know I don't do that, not for anything. Lisbon: Oh, my God. Staff gather in the Zitek corridors Man: This is a drill, right? Cliff Edmunds: Uh, this is not a drill. This is... this is the real thing. I'm sorry. Dean Harken: Listen up. We have a few hours left. But we'll keep this virus contained here. Nobody leaves this facility. Man: And then what? We get buried in the desert? Dean Harken: The air force will drop incendiary bombs on the facility, burn the virus out. Your next of kin will be informed. Like I say, we have a few hours left, so we all should make our arrangements and say our prayers as best we can. Make your phone calls. May God have mercy on our souls. (People are panicking, some want out, they are prevented by security, crying, screaming ...) A road at night, a phone rings. (Cho, Rigsby, Lisbon, Jane) Cho (responding to the call): Hey, boss. We're about five minutes from your location. Lisbon: Cho, listen. Jane and I have been exposed to the virus, and it looks like we might die soon. Cho: Okay. Lisbon: So I wanna thank you and Rigsby and Van Pelt. It's been an honor working with you. I need you to call my brother Tommy. His number is in my desk diary. It's under Town and Country Electrical. Tell him that I love him and that I forgive him for whatever and that, um, he needs to make peace with his brothers. It's my last dying wish. You tell him that. Cho: Will do. Lisbon: Okay. Cho: Good-bye. Jane: Uh, wait. I... I wanted to talk to them also. Lisbon: Sorry. Jane: It's all right. (Lisbon gives him her phone) That's a fine farewell. I feared that you'd become tearful and incoherent, but no. Succinct. Noble. Bravo. Lisbon: Uh-huh. Don't you have anybody you wanna call besides Cho and Rigsby? Jane: No. And if were dying, I'd wanna call you, but... You're already here. So there's no need. Lisbon: Me? Jane: Hmm? Lisbon: Hmm? What would you say? Jane: Uh... Lisbon: Wait... wait a minute. If? If I was dying? Jane: Yeah, you're not really dying. I wrote a label and put it on an empty flask, and then I convinced poor Lilith Nash to run away. I feel kind of bad about it... Lisbon: You son of a bitch. (Lisbon gets up and rushes towards Jane, furious) Jane (phone at the same time): But just... just wait. Just please. Be still. Cho? This is Jane. Please disregard Lisbon's last message. I tricked her. My bad. Lisbon I'm so sorry. Are you at the culvert? Okay, good. Wait. There'll be some people coming your way soon. Bye. Lisbon: You're sick. Why would you do this to me? Jane: Two reasons... firstly, to catch the killer of Alicia Seberg, the killer who is not poor Lilith Nash. The killer who, you may recall, took a dose of the antidote in order to survive. Exposure to the virus. Yes? Lisbon: Yes... Jane: The killer who believes that he or she is the only one that isn't going to die. Yes? Lisbon: Yes. Jane: So they have to get out of here before we die, or else they'll be burnt to a crisp by the Air Force. Their hands are tied. They have to try to escape, thus revealing themselves to us with precision and clarity of a mathematical equation. Lisbon: And reason number two? Jane: The second and most important reason is doesn't it feel great to get your life back? Don't you feel good right now? Don't you feel happy to be alive? Lisbon: No! Jane: Oh, I know you do. You know you do. Lisbon: If reason number one does not pan out very, very soon, I think I'm gonna punch you in the nose. Jane: Forbearance, Lisbon. Any moment now, Harken is gonna come around that corner with an anxious expression on his face because someone has run off. Any moment now. Wait. Any moment. Lisbon: Nothing. Jane: If you just get... (Lisbon punches Jane on the nose) Ow! Ow! Ow. Whoo! (Dean Harken and a guard approach)That's what I'm talking 'bout. Ext. night Rigsby & Cho pacing in front of their car. On the back seat, Lilith Nash. A few dozen meters from the Zitec fence, Griffin Welks emerges, awaited by Cho and Rigsby. Rigsby: Hi. Zitec building (Dean Harken, Jane, Lisbon) Dean Harken: Well, this was all a hoax? Jane: Well, "hoax" is a little strong. Uh, more of a ruse, a gambit. Lisbon: The important thing is we caught the killer. Right? That's what's important. Jane: That's what's important. Griffin Welks, huh? Never would have caught him your way, and my way... cathartic and life-affirming. Lisbon: You know what? You're on your own. (she leaves) Jane: Okay, the important thing now is to be careful 'cause this is the real thing. (Jane gives Harken the flask he had taken) Okay? All right, let's get that back in the deep freeze. See you around, big dog. (Jane rushes off leaving a stunned Harken) CBI interrogation room. (Griffin Welks, Cho) Griffin Welks: I was siphoning off small amounts of the virus matrix and selling it on the black market. Cho: $300,000 a gram. Griffin Welks: Yeah. Yeah, exactly. I'm in charge of keeping inventory, so it was easy, until Harken arrived to do a spot check, and I had to do something fast, so I spilled a flask to cover up the missing quantity. Cho: Knowing full well Alicia Seberg would be exposed. Griffin Welks: Someone had to be responsible. I figured everyone would think that she'd opened the flask by accident and couldn't admit to it, 'cause she was like that... couldn't be wrong. Cho: I'm curious. The money you made from your theft... How'd you spend it? Griffin Welks: I didn't. I have it in treasury bonds mostly, some real estate. Cho: Mm-hmm, that's smart investing. You'll be the richest man in Folsom. (Cho leaves the room) In front of CBI elevator. (Jane, Lisbon) Jane: Whew. Long day. Ooh. It's chilly around here. You still angry with me? Lisbon: Duh. Jane: Oh, confess. You do feel better. You feel much more alive. I know you do. (they both enter the elevator) Lisbon: You know what made me feel better? Punching you in the nose. Jane: Ah. Glad to be of service. The end

Dr. Alicia Seberg, a government bioweapons researcher, is exposed to a deadly virus on which she had been working. Due to its enormous monetary value and because the only antidote that works is one that must be taken before exposure (not after), all virus vials are carefully stored in a sealed area guarded by state-of-the-art retinal-scan security, and only four people had access. With only hours to live, she calls upon Jane and the CBI team to identify and catch her murderer. Jane's efforts are blocked by the overbearing by-the-book lead investigator Dean Harken who was already on site about to conduct an audit, and who insists Seberg caused the accident herself. Seberg dies. While the area is being decontaminated, Jane discovers that the retinal security system has not been working properly for two months, which widens the list of suspects to include Harken himself. To flush out the murderer, Jane fakes the theft and opening of one of the virus vials so that everyone in the facility faces the prospect of death within hours; procedure means they cannot leave and the military will bomb the facility after they die so as to destroy the virus. When lab assistant Lilith Nash falls under suspicion Jane questions her and she informs him there is a culvert that affords a secret way out of the facility. Jane faked the theft of the vial as he knew the murderer would realise they had to escape the facility to avoid being bombed to death. Griffith Welks, one of Seberg's colleagues with authorised access to the virus and one of the original suspects, is caught by Rigsby and Cho at the culvert - he had been selling the virus for profit and when Harken arrived to conduct an audit he knew the theft would be revealed, so he framed Seberg.

fd_Roswell_03x02

fd_Roswell_03x02_0

Title: "Michael, the Guys and the Great Snapple Caper" 45th Episode of Roswell Production Code: 3ADA02 [SCENE_BREAK] Karl: so, Mr.. Gweerin-- Michael: Guerin. Karl: It says here you've been an emancipated minor for the last 2 years. Michael: Yeah. Karl: A lot of responsibility for someone your age. You like responsibility? Michael: Yeah, sure. I like to stay on top of things. [Michael's memories of his recent "staying on top of things"] Michael: I only got 4 notices! How can you cut off my power? Michael: I'm a big believer in self-discipline. Michael: I'll take it. [Michael buying a TV] Karl: What about school? Aren't you worried that a second job might interfere with your studies? Michael: I think I can handle it. Karl: Ok. Let's cut to the chase, Guerin. You already have a job flipping burgers. Why do you want a second job? Michael: Well, there are many reasons. Uh... But I think the primary one is... [More memories of the last date with Maria] Maria: Please don't tell me that the words, "Maria, can you pick up the check?" Are going to come floating out of your mouth once again, because if so, I swear to god, Michael... Michael: Financial. Karl: I see. Michael: And I guess i sort of want to see what it's like out there in the world. Karl: Congratulations. You are now Meta-Chem pharmaceutical's newest security guard. Michael: When do I start? Karl: Orientation's tomorrow night. Michael: I'm not going to be done at the Crashdown until 10:00. Is that too late? Karl: We don't need you till 0200. Michael: 0-2... That's 2 am. Karl: That's right. 2 to 7 every night. You're working the graveyard. I'll see you then. [Max reading from Liz's letter] Liz: Dear max, it's so horrible and so unjust to pass you in school and have to wonder whether some teacher's going to call my father. But no matter how hard my parents try, nothing can keep us apart. I love you, and even when I can't see you in the day, I see you at night in my dreams. And I have been. Dreaming about you. Over and over, it's you and me holding hands and flying through the night. I know it sounds cornball, but it isn't. It's amazing, like superman and Lois lane in the first movie. You know, the good one. [Liz sees Max looking in the window of the Crashdown, as her dad walks up] Liz: He wasn't coming in. Mr. Parker: Let's get back to work. ' Liz: He wasn't coming in here. He wasn't breaking the rules. Mr. Parker: We'll talk about it after your shift. OK? Liz: This is so ridiculous. You can't keep us from seeing each other. Mr. Parker: Oh, table 11's waiting. Liz:Ohh! Look at that. [Kyle enters and slams the door] Jim: Kyle? Hey, son, how was work? Kyle: It sucked as usual. Toby has me rehabbing brake pads again. Hmm. Kyle: "Your credit rating may be adversely affected by this action." Well, it's nice of them to let us know. So how's the job search going? You got any prospects for a full-time, well-paying job in your future? Jim: Well, actually something did sort of come up. Kyle: You got a job? Jim: Well, it's not exactly a job. It's a sort of a... How do I describe this? It's a business. Kind of a small business. Kyle: This i like. I like this. Small business? Jim: Mm-hmm. Kyle: That sounds profitable. Ok. Hit me. Pitch me. Make me proud. Jim: I think i should pursue this a little bit further. I'll tell you about it in a few days. Kyle: Ok. I can handle that. I think. [Inside Michael's apartment] Maria: Michael, please. Come out. You've been in there an hour. Michael: Go home. I will see you tomorrow. Maria: No. I want to see it. Michael: Maria... [Max walks in] Maria: Hey, max. Max: Oh, sorry. Bad time? Is this some deranged s*x thing? Michael: I got a job. Max: Security guard? Michael: Gotta start somewhere. What are you doing here? Max: Nothing. I just... Michael: Maxwell, it's the middle of the night. What's going on? Max: Well, you heard about my dad and i... That I moved out? Michael: yeah, you left the loving parents, the cushy home, college fund. Smart move. Max: Yeah, I just... Look, I need a place to crash for a couple days, until I figure something else out. Michael: So, how does the Chevelle figure into this? Max: My car? Michael: Do i get driving privileges? Max: Yes, Michael. Michael: The couch is yours. [Scene switches to a convenience store where Isabel and Jesse are meeting] Isabel: Mr. Ramirez, fancy meeting you here. Jesse: Isabel... Evans, isn't it? Isabel: Mmm. Jesse: Aren't you out late for a school night? Isabel: Well, I'm in college now. Sometimes... I'm out all night. Jesse: I cannot believe we're meeting in a convenience store. Isabel: My parents never shop here. Jesse: Why don't you just tell them about us? I mean, eventually the smell of microwave burritos is going to kill the mood. Isabel: We will. We will tell them. We just have to ease them into it over a decade or two. Jesse: Isabel, you're 18. You're an adult. Isabel: My parents can barely get used to the idea of me dating high-school guys. You're a 26-year-old lawyer who works for my father, who's... Jesse: Who's Latino? Isabel: You're Latino? I thought you just had a great tan. Jesse: Ha, ha. Isabel: Jesse, that is totally not it. Jesse: So, what is it? Isabel: This is just the worst time. My parents are all freaked out about max moving out, and I just think we need more time before anybody knows. Isabel: Ok? Jesse: Ok. [Kyle comes around the corner and sees Isabel and Jesse kissing] Kyle: Whoops! Isabel: Kyle. Isabel: Hi. Kyle: Hi. Jesse: Hi. Kyle: My dad neglected to stock the fridge, and so i needed... Isabel: Ho-hos, of course. Kyle: Ho-ho. Kyle: Bye. Guard 1 (Monk): What are you doing, man? Michael: Watching a replay of tonight's game. Guard 2 (Fly): Hey, Chico, you can't do that. Can he do that? Can I do that? ST>Aren't you supposed to be checking the motion sensor logs for the anomalies? Michael: Done. But here, I'll check again. Checked... And rechecked. Guard 3 (George): Hey, Chico, can I get that on my screen, too? Michael: Hold on. ST>Michael, turn the game off, man. That's not cool. Michael: Ok, Steve, here's the thing. This job sucks. It's the most boring thing I've ever done in my life. I don't know about you guys, but I'm gonna do what i can to improve the work conditions. That means this. [Michael takes off his tie] ST>The company has a very strict dress code. Michael: Yeah, but who's going to enforce it? Guard 1 (Monk): Suddenly, I feel very bad. Michael: Now, i know you want to take that off. Come on. ST>Somehow... I know I'm going to regret this. Michael: Yeah! Guard 1- Monk: Score! Yeah! [Michael enters with poker chips and cards] Michael: Boys, I have come bearing gifts. Guard 1- Monk: What you got, man? Oh, sweet, dude! [Michael and the guys are shown messing around at work, playing cards, watching TV, eating pizza, drinking Snapple and generally goofing off.] [basketball bouncing down the hall] Michael: door 52 secure, sir. ST>You've certainly made the guys a happier crew. Fly was actually on time tonight. Michael: Just trying to make things more interesting. Door 53 secure. Job still sucks. ST>Look, Michael, I just don't want this to get out of control. Some of us need this job. Michael: You take this job way too seriously. What's the worst that could happen? Guard 2 (Fly): Hey, Maria sounds like a good girl. You're all set. You got a girl, got a job. Michael: Yeah. I just need power back in my apartment, d I'll be living the American dream. Guard 2 (Fly): So, you gonna marry her? Michael: Maria? Guard 1- George: Yeah. Michael: I don't know about marriage, Chico. That's a little bit down the line. Guard 2 (Fly): Yeah. Hey, mike. Michael: Mm-hmm, yeah. Guard 2 (Fly): I don't think you should say, "Chico." You really don't pull it off. Michael: Right. Yeah. [Michael notices Karl on the monitors- he is coming towards the guard booth] Michael: Red alert! [Whispering] Guard 1 (Monk): is this straight? ST>Good evening, sir. Can I be of some assistance? Karl: It's come to my attention that there has been a serious security breach here at Meta-Chem. ST>What kind of breach? Karl: Theft! Someone broke into the company cafeteria and made off with a substantial amount of peach Snapple. Several cases, in fact. The food service manager seems to think it's an inside job. What do you think we should do about this, Mr.., Uh... Guerin? Michael: I think we should get right on it, sir. Where should we start? [Karl finds a Snapple cap] Karl: I think that the first thing you should all do is clean out your lockers. You're all fired. [Michael and Maria are in Michael's apartment] Michael: So somebody steals a case of Snapple, and what do they do? They blame the little guy. They point the finger at the people at the bottom of the ladder, the people who are actually working for a living. Maria: You actually worked? Michael: We screwed around a lot, but let me tell you something, nobody got in or out of that plant without us knowing about it. We had that place wired tight! Meta-Chem was lucky to have people like us on duty. [Maria opens the fridge and sees the Snapple] Michael: Ok, so technically i stole it, but they didn't know that. Maria: Right. Michael: Karl fired us because he only thought one of us took it. Maria: But you did take it. Michael: That's not the point. Maria: Ok, tell me the point again. Michael: That corporate America sucks. Maria: All right. So, I'm assuming I'm gonna have to keep paying for dinner and supplying the kerosene to light the apartment? Michael: I'll get another job. Maria: Uh-huh. Now, what did other guys say about this happening? Michael: What other guys? Maria: Your coworkers, skunk and flea. Michael: Monk and fly. Maria: Whatever. Did they at least stick up for you? Michael: No. They were fired, too. Maria: What?! Michael: We all got fired. Maria: Wait. You got the whole department fired? Michael: Whose side are you on? I didn't get everybody fired. We all drank of the Snapple. Maria: Wait, "drank of the Snapple." When did we get on biblical terrain here? Michael: I'm not going to take the blame for this whole thing. Maria: But it's your fault. You acted irresponsibly. Now everyone's unemployed. Michael: I gotta get some fresh air. [Michael runs into Steve filling out an application in the minimart] Michael: Steve. Steve: Hey. Michael: Sorry about what happened. I didn't know Karl would blow a gasket like that. Steve: It's over. So... Michael: You applying for the clerk job? Steve: Apparently. Michael: Isn't it like half as much as much as we were making at Meta-Chem? Steve: Gotta feed the wife and kids. Michael: Yeah, really. That's an expression, right? Feed the wife and kids? Steve: Didn't you see the picture on my desk? Cheryl? The kids? Michael: Yeah. I guess, but I thought she was your girlfriend. And I thought the kids were your brother and sister or your... Your nephew. Steve: I've gotta get over to burger hut. There's a job working the drive-thru. See you, mike. Michael: Hey, Steve. I'm sorry, man. Steve: That doesn't help me, mike. [Liz is serving some diners their food, and the alien painting on the wall starts waving- words come out of its mouth in a cartoon saying "I'm in the kitchen"] Liz: Orbit rings? Liz: Um... Galaxy sub. Liz: Um... Asteroid salad. Liz: Oh, uh... Worf wrap. Liz: Is everything good here for you guys? Liz: Good. That's great. I'll be right back with your drinks. [Liz meets Max in the kitchen- they embrace] Liz: Hi! Max: God, i miss you. Liz: This is so insane. My dad's right outside. Max: I know. I saw him. Liz: I miss you so much. Max: Listen. Friday. Midnight. I want you to meet me. Dress warm. Liz: Why? Max: You'll see. Liz: You have to go. Come on. Max: Yeah. Mr. Parker: Liz? Liz: Come on! Max: Midnight. Friday. Liz: Ok! [Max runs out the door] Mr. Parker: Liz! Liz: Yeah? Mr. Parker: Where'd you go? Liz: Uh, nowhere. I was just taking out the trash. [Ding] Liz: that must be mine. [Kyle is sitting at the counter eating and Isabel comes up] Kyle: Hey. Isabel: Hello. You're probably wondering what you saw in the convenience store the other day. Kyle: Nah. A stone unobserved is a stone-- Isabel: is this Buddhist? Kyle: Yes. Isabel: Could you not? Kyle: 'K. Isabel: Thank you. His name is Jesse Ramirez. He's my boyfriend. Kyle: Correct me if I'm wrong, but haven't I seen that guy leaving your father's office? Isabel: Yeah. He works for my father. Kyle: As an assistant? [Laughs] Isabel: as a lawyer. Kyle: So he's, like, 22, 23? Isabel: 26. Kyle: 26?! That's a problem. Kyle: Well, uh... Just out of curiosity, have you... Kyle: Have you...Told Jesse about your secret identity? Isabel: No. Isabel: No. Max and Michael would never agree to letting anybody else in on the secret. I guess the truth of the matter is i sort of love Jesse not knowing. It's...Like we're this normal couple. Kyle: Nothing's ever easy, is it? Isabel: Nope. But, hey, I'm actually glad that you found out. It's kind of nice to talk about it. Kyle: No Problem Isabel: And Kyle...if you tell anybody, I'll be forced to use my formidable alien powers on you Kyle: Cool. Cool. My day's never truly complete until my life's been threatened by an alien, so... Isabel: No problem. Ok, bye. [Chuckles] Kyle: wait, wait, wait. Um... Good for you. I mean, max has Liz, and Michael has Maria, and you never really had that, so... Good for you. Isabel: Thanks, Kyle. [SCENE_BREAK] [Max and Michael are staring at the Snapple] Max: So you're gonna return the Snapple? Michael: Yeah. Max: You think that's gonna get you your job back? Michael: You got a better idea? Max: Why don't you just go get more hours at the Crashdown? Michael: Because that's not what it's about, max. It's about the principle of it. Max: You stole the Snapple, Michael. How could it be about principle? Michael: Because it's not fair to ruin one person's life over a few bottles of Snapple. Max: And this is ruining your life? Michael: Not mine. This guy at work, Steve he's a killjoy, and he got fired along with the rest of us. Turns out he's got a wife and kids. Max: I see. Michael: Which isn't my fault. I mean, why should i worry about it? If he takes it upon himself to marry someone and then knock her up before he's got a decent job, how is that my problem? Max: It isn't. Michael: So why do I feel like this? Max: Like what? [Sighs] Michael: I don't know. Max: Like you care? Michael: Yeah. It's weird. See, there's you and Isabel, and you guys are like family. And then there's Maria, and she's... Ah, she's Maria. And besides that, I've never had this feeling. But these guys... Michael: It's cool. We can hang, and we talk, and we laugh, and it's like, uh... They're... Max: Friends. Michael: Something like that. Michael: Anyways, i gotta go. Max: Wait. Uh... You're gonna return them now? Michael: Yeah. I'm gonna break in and put the Snapple back behind the fridge. Max: Oh. And then what? Michael: Then I'm gonna call 'em, and I'm gonna tip 'em off. Anonymously. And when they realize that nobody stole the Snapple and it was all just a big misunderstanding, they have no choice but to give our jobs back. Max: Michael, what you're about to do is not a plan. It's not an idea. It's something you think about in your mind, and then you come up with something... Better. Michael: Yeah. I don't have anything better. [Michael uses his powers to break into the lab- while putting the Snapple back, he watches Karl take something out of a vault and pass it to a guard] Michael: Karl's a thief. [Jim comes home and Kyle is waiting up like a parent] Kyle: Where were you? Jim: I was out. Just out. Kyle:. Have you been drinking? Jim: No. Well, a couple beers. Kyle: That's terrific, dad. That's part of your new business plan? Jim: Actually...It is. Listen, uh... I want you to keep an open mind about this. The, uh... I know it's not exactly what you maybe had in mind... ok, but I'm telling you, this is something I really believe in. Jim: Our first performance is tomorrow night. Be great if you were there. Kyle: [reading] "The country stylings of Jim Valenti and the kit-shickers." Kyle: Ha ha ha. How much does this pay? Jim: Oh, not very much at first, but see, we get a percent of the door, but it's gonna take us a little while to build up an audience. Kyle: Right. Right. Build up an audience. What are you thinking? This is your big business plan? This is it? I've been working my ass off every day at a job i hate, and this is your big idea. Dad, we're behind on the mortgage, but I'm sure the mortgage company will calm down once they realize that all you gotta do is build up an audience. Have you even looked at those bills? Jim: Kyle, I'm sorry. Kyle: Dad, don't apologize. That's not even what i want. I know that when you lost your job as sheriff, that... It... Really screwed with your head, and I have a lot of sympathy for that. I do. But...[Sighs] I'm not--I'm not the parent here. And I can't keep our heads above water much longer. So... All I'm saying is that... You know what I'm saying. Good night, dad. [Michael is talking to the guards] Guard 2 (Fly): How's he getting away with it? Every square inch of the place is being taped 24-7. Guard 3 (George): Think, little man. Karl's got the master security card, so he can turn the cameras on and off whenever he feels like it. Guard 1 (Monk): What do you think he was stealing? Michael: I didn't get a good look at it, but they do all kinds of genetic research in that lab. Guard 1- Monk: I bet it was the cancer vaccine. All the big corporations have one just sitting on the shelf doing nothing. They don't put it on the market, 'cause there's too much money in cancer treatment, you know? Same thing with aids, tuberculosis, legionnaires' disease, measles, scabies. Guard 1- George: Monk, are you wasted, man? Guard 1- Monk: No. Maybe. Leave me alone. You don't know what it's like workin' at burger hut. Fries, no fries, extra ketchup, no ketchup. I need an escape. Michael: It doesn't matter what's in the vial. What matters is that Meta-Chem's head of security is stealing from the company. We expose him, show the company that the man who fired us is the actual thief, and we got a chance of getting our jobs back. Guard 1- Monk: How do we get the goods on Karl? Michael: We catch him in the act. Guard 2 (Fly): What, break in? Michael: Yeah. Guard 3 (George): No, see, that sounds a bit too risky for a black man. Guard 1 (Monk): What does Steve say? Michael: He didn't return my phone calls. Guard 1 (Monk): Well, you guys do what you want, but you can count me out. Guard 3 (George): I'm with monk. Guard 2 (Fly): Me, too, Chico. Michael: Do you guys know why we were fired? Guard 2 (Fly): Yeah. Cause you took the Snapple dude. Michael: No, who fires an entire shift over Snapple? Nobody. Michael: Karl needed to fire an entire security shift so he could steal whatever it is he's stealing from the company. We were easy targets. That's why we were fired. Karl made us out to look like incompetent fools, and that's what the world's gonna think of us if we don't do something about it. Used to be i didn't care about that. Turns out I do. So, yeah, we stole the Snapple. But you know what? We did our jobs well. And that's why i say we have no choice here but to screw Karl. Guard 2 (Fly): All right. I'm with you. Let's screw Karl. Guard 3 (George): I'm there. Guard 1 (Monk): Screw Karl, man. Guard 3 (George): So... What's the plan? [The guards break in, and Michael climbs into an air shaft, as the plan is voiced over the action] Michael: Ever since he fired us, Karl's been working the nights all alone. The longer he delays hiring a new crew, the more freedom he has. But the truth is, one man can't watch everything. The trick will be to make him think everything's right on schedule, that nothing has changed... When in reality everything has changed. He's not alone tonight. Tonight he's got the entire graveyard shift to deal with. [Michael uses a remote camera to film Karl stealing] Guard 1 (Monk): Got the shot. [the VCR eats the tape] Guard 2 (Fly): Problem, dude. Guard 1 (Monk): Well, hurry up and fix it, man. [Ring] [phone rings] Guard 1 (Monk): hello? Sheriff: This is the Sheriff Hanson.. We received a signal that the security system had been tampered with. Guard 1- Monk: Nope. Everything's ok here. Sheriff: What's the password today? Guard 1- Monk: Password? [Creaking in the ceiling as Karl looks up- Michael falls thru] Michael: hey, Karl. Karl: Gweerin, what the hell are you doing? Michael: It's Guerin. I just thought I'd drop in. Karl: You know, I wonder if the police are gonna think you're so funny. Michael: Go ahead and call 'em. I have a nice videotape to show 'em. Karl: What are you talking about? Michael: I got you breaking into the lab, stealing a sample, and passing it off to the janitors. Karl: Well, that's too bad. If you had said it was gonna be your word against mine, I could have just thrown cuffs on you and called the cops, but I guess it's not gonna be that simple. [Karl takes out his gun and points it at Michael] Karl: Where is that videotape? Michael: You got to think about what you're doing, Karl. Karl: I know exactly what I'm doing. I'm confronting an intruder in the middle of the night. And fearing for my own safety and believing the intruder to be armed, I drew my weapon, and I was forced to shoot him. Michael: I'm not alone, you know. I got help. Karl: I don't think so. I think you are here alone, and I think you're gonna tell me where that videotape is right w! Michael: Ok, ok, ok! I'll tell you. Ok, the tape... The tape... Is in... [Michael uses his power to pull down more of the ceiling- it falls on them and Karl drops the gun, but gets it back] Sheriff: Now, what i want you to do right now is put the gun down nice and slow. Sheriff: Good. Now, we're all gonna take a trip down to the station. Michael: Before we do that, there's a videotape you should see. [Everyone is in the control room, and the tape is out of its case and messed up] Sheriff: Well, boys, if this is all you got, it ain't much. Michael: Let me take a look at that. [Michael uses his powers to rewind and fix the tape] Karl: These clowns are disgruntled former employees who broke in and stole company property. Michael: Uh, you know what? I think I got it. Guard 2 (Fly): Hey, how'd you do that? Michael: I used to work in a video store. Karl: I'm not gonna say anything without an attorney. Michael: Don't worry, Karl. We'll let management know what happened. [Guys laugh] Sheriff: I'm gonna need statements from all you guys, but we shouldn't leave this plant unguarded all night. Michael: No problem. We'll finish our shift, come down to the station. Sheriff: Fine. See you in the morning. Sheriff: [Arresting Karl] You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you... Guards congratulate Michael- Yeah! Yeah! Good work, huh? Good work. Good work. [Scene switches to Max and Liz on a high wall] Liz: So...What is this? No! Max, no! Max: Trust me. Trust me. Don't you want someone who can make all your dreams come true? Liz: Yeah, I guess I do. Max: Then come on, Lois. Let's go. [Max lifts himself and Liz onto a hang glider, and uses his power to push them off- they fly away] [Band tunes up] Jim: good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I'm Jim Valenti, and we are the kit-shickers. Waitress: Are you 21? Kyle: Does it matter in here? Waitress: All that matters in here is paying rent on that bar stool. Kyle: Just--just give me a coke. [Mic feedback] Kyle: I may need that beer after all. Jim: 2...1. [Music starts- back up singers sing with Jim] if I had a million dollars- if I had a million dollars i'd buy you a house - i would buy you a house - and if I had a million dollars - if I had a million dollars - i'd buy you furniture for your house - maybe a nice chesterfield or an ottoman - and if I had a million dollars - if I had a million dollars - i'd buy you a k-car - a nice, reliant automobile - and if I had a million dollars both: I'd buy your love - if I had a million dollars - i'd build a tree fort in our yard - if I had a million dollars - you could help, it wouldn't be that hard - if I had a million dollars - maybe we could put a tiny, little 'frigerator in there... [the crowd starts getting into the music as Kyle looks around- he starts clapping with the music-Sound fades away and Kyle is happy] [Scene switches to Max and Liz coming home- Liz laughs] Max: Shh, shh, shh! Shh! Liz: That was just amazing, you know? That was so amazing! Max: Well, you did say that, like... A dozen times. Liz: Well, did I say it like this? Or, uh... That? Or, you know... I'm sure i didn't say this. [Liz kisses Max] Max: Well, you do have a way with words. Liz: Oh. I'd invite you to come upstairs, but... Max: But if your dad caught us... Liz: Yeah. Mm-mmm. Mm. Liz: Good night. Max: Good night. [Mr. Parker is sitting in the dark half of the room] Mr. Parker: Did you have fun? Where you been? I'm asking you man to man where you took my daughter in the middle of the night. Be man enough to answer me. Max: We went to the desert. We didn't do anything wrong. Mr. Parker: It was wrong for you to see her at all. You know that. Max: I'm sorry. I love her. Mr. Parker: I don't give a damn about your love. Because of you, my daughter was arrested for armed robbery. She could've been killed. Did you ever think about that? Tell me you're not dangerous, max. Tell me that being with you doesn't put my little girl's life in jeopardy. Yeah. That's what i thought. So now this is gonna stop. It's gonna stop right now, and you are never to see Liz again. And if you do... If i find out that you so much as sat next to her in class, she'll be on the next plane to Vermont. Max: Vermont? Mr. Parker: The Winnaman academy. It's an all-girls boarding school, and her mother and i filled out all the paperwork, and the application was accepted. So all I've got to do is write a check and put Liz on the next plane. Max: You would do that? You would do that just-- Mr. Parker: just to keep her away from you. Yes, i would. And I will. Good-bye, max. [Doorbell rings- Michael hands Steve his badge] Michael: got your job back. Steve: What? Michael: Yeah, we broke into Meta-Chem, and we nailed Karl for stealin' stuff. He's in jail. Steve: Wait, slow down. You broke in? Michael: Yeah. Found out he was a crook, and we nailed him for it--not just me. Everyone. George, monk, fly. Steve: You could have gotten arrested. Why'd you do that? Michael: I don't know. I figured it's my first real job, I'm starting my life, and... You know, I don't want to start off on the wrong foot. Steve: I'm not sure whether to say thank you or tell you you're a real idiot for doing something so risky. Michael: Say thank you. Steve: Thank you, Michael. This means a lot to me and, uh, you know... To my family. Michael: No problem. Steve: Hey, listen, um... Maybe we can hang sometime, you know, after work. Michael: Sure. Steve: You're a crazy b*st*rd. You know that? Michael: Welcome to my world.

Michael works as a security guard, but when he tries to loosen up his co-workers, he causes more harm than good. Meanwhile, Max and Liz continue to see each other despite her parents' wishes.

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Originally written by Adam Chase and Ira Ungerleider. Transcribed by guineapig. [Pre-intro scene: Monica and Rachel's. Everyone is looking at papers] Joey: How could someone get a hold of your credit card number? Monica: I have no idea. But look how much they spent! Rachel: Monica, would you calm down? The credit card people said that you only have to pay for the stuff that you bought. Monica: I know. It's just such reckless spending. Ross: I think when someone steals your credit card, they've kind of already thrown caution to the wind. Chandler: Wow, what a geek. They spent $69.95 on a Wonder Mop. Monica: That's me. Phoebe: Oh! The yuk! Ross, he's doing it again! [Points to a lamp which is shaking behind the sofa] Ross: Marcel, stop humping the lamp! Stop humping! Now Marcel, come back- [Marcel runs toward Rachel's room] come here, Marcel- Rachel: Oh no, not in my room! I'll get him. Monica: Ross, you've got to do something about the humping. Ross: What? It's, it's just a phase. Chandler: Well, that's what we said about Joey... Ross: Would you all relax? It's not that big a deal. Rachel: [Out of shot] Stop it! Marcel! Bad monkey! Ross: What? Rachel: Let's just say my Curious George doll is no longer curious. [Intro] [Scene 1: Monica and Rachel's, late at night. Mon is still up examining her bill. Rachel emerges from her room] Rachel: Oh, Monica. You are not still going over that thing. Monica: This woman's living my life. Rachel: What? Monica: She's living my life, and she's doing it better than me! Look at this, look. She buys tickets for plays that I wanna see. She, she buys clothes from stores that I'm intimidated by the sales people. She spent three hundred dollars on art supplies. Rachel: You're not an artist. Monica: Yeah, well I might be if I had the supplies! I mean, I could do all this stuff. Only I don't. Rachel: Oh, Monica, c'mon, you do cool things. Monica: Oh really? Okay, let's compare, shall we. Rachel: [Yawning] Oh, it's so late for 'Shall we'... Monica: Do I go horseback riding in the park? Do I take classes at the New School? Rachel: [Yawning] Nooo... Monica: This is so unfair! She's got everything I want, and she doesn't have my mother. [Scene 2: Central Perk. Joey and Chandler are discussing stage names] Chandler: How about Joey... Pepponi? Joey: No, still too ethnic. My agent thinks I should have a name that's more neutral. Chandler: Joey... Switzerland? [The waitress brings their coffee] Joey: Plus, y'know, I think it should be Joe. Y'know, Joey makes me sound like I'm, I dunno, this big. [Waitress looks at him funny] Which I'm not. Chandler: Joe...Joe...Joe...Stalin? Joey: Stalin...Stalin...do I know that name? It sounds familiar. Chandler: Well, it does not ring a bell with me... Joey: [Writes it down] Joe Stalin. Y'know, that's pretty good. Chandler: Might wanna try Joseph. [Joey visibly thinks 'Of course!' and writes it down] Joey: Joseph Stalin. I think you'd remember that! Chandler: Oh yes! Bye Bye Birdie, starring Joseph Stalin. Joseph Stalin is the Fiddler on the Roof. [Scene 3: Mon+Rach's. Mon is there, enter Phoebe and Rachel] Rachel: Hey. Phoebe: Hey. Monica: Hi. [On the phone] Hi, uh, yes, this is Monica Geller. Um, I believe I'm taking some classes with you and I was wondering what they were. Phoebe: What are you doing? Monica: [Hushes her] Alright, great. Thanks a lot. [Hangs up] I'm going to tap class. Rachel: What, what, so that you can dance with the woman that stole your credit card? Monica: This woman's got my life, I should get to see who she is. Rachel: Go to the post office! I'm sure her picture's up! ...Okay, Monica, y'know what, honey, you're kinda losing it here! I mean, this is really becoming like a weird obsession thing. Phoebe: This is madness. It's madness, I tell you, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, MONICA, DON'T DO IT!! ...Thank you. [Scene 4: Tap class. The girls are standing at the door] Monica: What d'you think? Phoebe: Lotsa things. [They go in and sit down] Rachel: Which one do you think she is? [The teacher comes up to them] Teacher: May I help you? Monica: Oh, no thanks, we're just here to observe. Teacher: You don't observe a dance class. You dance a dance class. Spare shoes are over there. Rachel: What does she mean? Phoebe: I think she means [Imitates] 'You dance a dance class'. Oh, c'mon, c'mon. [They put on some spare shoes] Monica: Okay, d'y'see anybody you think could be me? Teacher: [To the class] People! Last time there were some empty yoghurt containers lying around after class. Let's not have that happen again! Rachel: She could be you. [Music starts] Teacher: Let's get started. Five, six, a-five six seven eight... [Everyone starts to dance in unison. Monica flounders] Monica: Okay, I'm not getting this! Phoebe: [Dancing in a swirly, Phoebe kind of way] I'm totally getting it! Monica: Did you ever feel like sometimes you are just so unbelievably uncoordinated? [Rachel taps into view; she is in perfect sync with the rest of the class] Rachel: What? You just click when they click. Teacher: Alright people, now everyone grab a partner. [The girls are unsure how to pair off. Phoebe settles it] Phoebe: Okay. And, my, dead, mother, says, you, are, it. I'm with Rachel. Monica: Great. It's gym class all over again. Phoebe and Rachel: Aww. Teacher: Well that's all right, you can come up to the front and dance with me. Monica: Why don't I just take off my clothes and have a nightmare. [She starts to walk very slowly toward the front of the room. The teacher grabs her hand and pulls her. Suddenly a woman bursts in] Woman: It's okay, it's okay, I'm here, I'm here. Sorry I'm late, okay, here I am. Who's the new tense girl? Teacher: She's your partner. Woman: Hi. I'm Monica. Monica: Oh. Monica! ...Hi. I'm Mo- ...nana. Woman [Fake Monica]: Monana? Monica: Yeah. It's Dutch. Fake Monica: You're kidding! I-I spent three years in Amsterdam. [Asks her something in Dutch] Monica: Um, Pennsylvania Dutch. Teacher: And we're dancing. A-five, six, seven, eight... [Cut to Central Perk. Ross has just arrived] Ross: [Mortified] Hi. Chandler and Joey: Hey. Joey: Where've you been? Ross: At the vet. Chandler: She's not gonna make you wear one of those big plastic cones, is she? Ross: She says Marcel's humping thing's not a phase. Apparently he's reached sexual maturity. Joey: [To Chandler] Hey! He beat ya. Ross: She says as time goes on, he's gonna start getting agressive and violent. Chandler: So what does this mean? Ross: I'm gonna have to give him up. [Commercial] [Scene 5: Central Perk- time lapse. The guys are sitting like the Three Monkeys] Joey: I can't believe it, Ross. This sucks! Chandler: I don't get it, I mean, you just got him. How can he be an adult already? Ross: I know. I know. I mean, one day, he's this little thing, and before you know it, he's this little thing I can't get off my leg. Joey: Isn't there any way you can keep him? Ross: No, no. The vet says unless he's in a place where he has regular access to some... monkey lovin', he's just gonna get vicious. I've just gotta get him into a zoo. Joey: How do you get a monkey into a zoo? Chandler: I know that one! ...No, that's Popes into a Volkswagen. Ross: Well, we're applying to a lot of them. Naturally our first choice would be one of the bigger state zoos, y'know, like, uh, San Diego... right? But that might just be a pipe dream, because, y'know, he's out of state. Uh, my vet, uh, knows someone at Miami, so that's a possibility. Chandler: Yeah, but that's like two blocks away from the beach. I mean, it's a total party zoo. [Enter Phoebe, Monica and Rachel] Phoebe: Hey. We found her, we found the girl. Chandler: What? Joey: Did you call the cops? Rachel: Nope. We took her to lunch. Chandler: Ah. Your own brand of vigilante justice. Ross: What?! Are you insane? This woman stole from you. She stole. She's a stealer. Monica: Y'know what? After you're with this woman for like ten minutes, you forget all that. I mean, she is this astounding person, with this- with this amazing spirit. Ross: Yeah, which she probably stole from some cheerleader. Chandler: ...Take off their hats! Phoebe: Popes in a Volkswagen! ...I love that joke. [Scene 6: Monica and Rachel's. Mon, Rach and Fake Monica are there] Rachel: No way. No way did you do this. Fake Monica: Monana was very brave. Monica: It was so wild. We told them we were the Gunnersens in room six fifteen. Only to find out the Boston Celtics had taken over the entire sixth floor! Fake Monica: So once they caught on to the fact that we're, y'know, short and have breasts... Monica: ...They threw us out! I was thrown out of a hotel! Me! Rachel: Go Monana! Well, you ladies are not the only ones living the dream. I get to go pour coffee for people I don't know. Don't wait up. [Exits] Fake Monica: Oh, by the way, tomorrow we're auditioning for a Broadway show. Monica: 'Scuse me? Fake Monica: There's an open call for Cats. I'm thinking we go down there, sing Memories and make complete fools of ourselves. Whaddya say? Monica: Nononononono. Think who you're dealing with here. I mean, I'm not like you. I-I can't even stand in front of a tap class. Fake Monica: Well, that's just probably 'cause of your Amish background. Monica: What? Fake Monica: Well, you're Pennsylvania Dutch, right? Monica: Right. Till I bought a blow dryer, then I was shunned. Fake Monica: I-I used to be just like you. And then one day I saw a movie that changed my life. Did you ever see Dead Poets' Society? Monica: Uh-huh. Fake Monica: I thought that movie was so incredibly... boring. I mean, that thing at the end where the kid kills himself because he can't be in the play? What was that?! It's like, kid, wait a year, leave home, do some community theatre. I walked out of there and I thought, 'Now, that's two hours of my life that I'm never getting back'. And that thought scared me more than all the other crap I was afraid to do. Monica: Wow. Then I would definitely not recommend Mrs. Doubtfire. [Scene 7: Mon+Rach's, later. Everyone but Joey and Monica is there] Ross: [Reading letters] Oh God. [To Marcel] We didn't get into Scranton. [To the others] That was like our safety zoo. They take like dogs and cows. See? I don't know who this is harder on, me or him. Phoebe: I'd say that chair's taking the brunt. Ross: Marcel! Marcel! Marcel, no! Good boy. See, how can nobody want him? Rachel: Oh, somebody will. [Enter Joey] Joey: You know there already is a Joseph Stalin? Chandler: You're kidding. Joey: Apparently he was this Russian dictator who slaughtered all these people. You'd think you would've known that! Chandler: Y'know, you'd think I would've. Joey: Phoebe. Whaddyou think a good stage name for me would be? Phoebe: ...Flame Boy. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene 8: Central Perk. Ross is talking to Dr. Baldhara, a zookeeper] Ross: Where exactly is your zoo? Dr. Baldhara: Well, it's technically not a zoo per se, it's more of an interactive wildlife experience. Let me ask you some questions about, is it, uh, Marcel? Ross: Yes. Dr. Baldhara: Does he, uh, fight with other animals? Ross: Nono, he's, he's very docile. Dr. Baldhara: Even if he were... cornered? Ross: Well I, I don't know. Why? Dr. Baldhara: Uh, how is he at handling small objects? Ross: He can hold a banana, if that's whatcha mean... Dr. Baldhara: How about a hammer, or a small blade? Ross: Why- why- why would he need a blade? Dr. Baldhara: Well, if he's up against a jungle cat or an animal with horns, you've got to give the little guy something. Otherwise it's just cruel. [Chandler and Joey burst in, with Marcel] Chandler and Joey: He- he- he got in, he- he got in to San Diego. Joey: We, we come back from our walk and the- the phone was ringing- Chandler: -He's in. Ross: He's in! Oh, did you hear that, Marcel? San Diego. San Diego! Dr. Baldhara: You're making a big mistake here. I mean, San Diego's all well and good, but if you give him to me, I'll start him off against a blind rabbit and give you twenty percent of the gains. [Scene 9: Monica and Rachel's. Rachel is dusting. She comes to the table, lifts all the magazines and wipes under them, then just puts them down again. Monica bursts in, obviously drunk] Monica: Yo- hooo! Rachel: Where the hell've you been? Monica: Monica and I just crashed an embassy party. Rachel: Are you drunk?! Monica: Noooo! [Comes closer and whispers] I'm lying. I am so drunk. Rachel: Oh God, oh. Great, Monica, y'know what, you could've called, I have been up here, I've been worried... [Monica is drinking from the tap] Rachel: Monica? Monica! Monica: Water rules! Rachel: Yes, yes, it does. Okay, look, the restaurant called, they wanna know if you're gonna be showing up for work? Monica: Nope. Going to the Big Apple Circus today. Rachel: Okay Monica, what are you doing? You're gonna lose your job! This is not you! Monica: No, it is me! Y'know, I'm not just the person who needs to fluff the pillows and pay the bills as soon as they come in! Y'know, when I'm with her, I am so much more than that. I'm- I'm Monana! [The phone rings and Rachel answers] Rachel: Hello? Yes, she is, hold on a second, please. Monana, it's for you, the credit card people. Monica: Helloooo? Yeah. Oh my God. Thanks. Rachel: What? Monica: They've arrested Monica. [Scene 10: NYC Department of Correction. Monica is visiting Fake Monica] Monica: Hi. Fake Monica: Hey. Monica: How are you? Fake Monica: I'm not too bad. Fortunately, blue's my colour. How- how did you know I was here? Monica: Because... I'm Monica Geller. It was my credit card you were using. Fake Monica: That I was not expecting. Monica: I want you to know, it wasn't me who turned you in. Fake Monica: Oh. Thanks. Monica: No, thank you! You have given me so much! I mean, if it wasn't for you, I would never have gotten to sing Memories on the stage at the Wintergarden Theatre! Fake Monica: Well, actually, you only got to sing 'Memo-'. Monica: I just can't believe you're in here. I mean, what am I gonna do without you? Who's gonna crash the embassy parties with me? Who's gonna take me to the Big Apple Circus? Fake Monica: Monica, I started my day by peeing in front of twenty-five other women, and you're worried about who's gonna take you to the Big Apple Circus? Monica: Well, not... worried, just... wondering. Fake Monica: There's nothing to wonder about, Monica. You're gonna go back to being exactly who you were, because that's who you are. Monica: Not necessarily... Fake Monica: Yes necessarily! I mean, I dunno what it is, maybe it's the Amish thing. Monica: Um, I'm not actually Amish. Fake Monica: Really? Then why are you like that? [Scene 11: Tap class. Monica is standing by the door] Teacher: You by the door. In or out? Monica: In. [She joins in the dancing. She still flounders] Teacher: You in the back, you're getting it all wrong! Monica: Yeah, but at least I'm doing it! [Scene 12: The airport. Everyone but Monica is there to see off Marcel] PA: This is the final boarding call for flight 67 to San Diego, boarding at gate 42A. Phoebe: Okay. Goodbye, little monkey guy. Alright, I wrote you this poem. Okay, but don't eat it 'till you get on the 'plane. Ross: Aww. Thank you, Aunt Phoebe. Phoebe: Oh! Chandler: Okay, bye, champ. Now, I know there's gonna be a lot of babes in San Diego, but remember, there's also a lot to learn. Joey: I dunno what to say, Ross. Uh, it's a monkey. Ross: Just, just say what you feel. Joey: Marcel, I'm hungry. Ross: That was good. Rachel: [Brings Marcel a teddy bear] Marcel, this is for you. It's, uh, just, y'know, something to, um, do on the 'plane. Ross: Uh, if you guys don't mind, I'd like to take a moment, just me and him. All: Oh, sure. Sure, absolutely. [They just stand there, then realise what he means and go to the other end of the room] Ross: Marcel, c'mere, c'mere. [He sits down and Marcel jumps down and sits beside him] Well buddy, this is it. There's just a coupla things I want to say. I'm really gonna miss you, and I'm never gonna forget about you. You've been more than just a pet to me, you've been more like a be- [Marcel climbs down and starts humping his leg] Okay, Marcel, please, could you leave my leg alone? Could you just stop humping me for two seconds?! Marcel, would- okay, just take him away. Just take him. [Marcel is put in a cage and taken away. Closing credits] [Credits scene: A casting session somewhere] Actor: [Very melodramatically, and very badly] Oh, that I were a glove upon that hand, that I might... touch thy cheek... Casting Director #1: That's fine, thank you. Casting Director #2: Next. [Joey walks onstage] Joey: Hi, uh, I'll be reading for the role of Mercutio. Casting Director #2: Name? Joey: Holden McGroin.

When Monica's credit card is stolen, she, along with Phoebe and Rachel, decide to catch the thief. Monica instead befriends the lively woman. Joey enlists his friends' help to come up with less Italian-sounding stage name. Marcel has reached sexual maturity, Ross decides he needs to be with other monkeys and tries to get him into the "Harvard of zoos" with the San Diego Zoo accepting Marcel. Joey, Chandler, Phoebe, Rachel, and Ross bid Marcel an emotional goodbye.

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THE ENEMY OF THE WORLD by DAVID WHITAKER first broadcast - 20th January 1968 running time - 24mins 22secs [SCENE_BREAK] 1. KENT'S CARAVAN (BRUCE enters, accompanied by a security guard.) BRUCE: Stay where you are. I've been looking forward to meeting you again. Over there... No, not you. Sit down, all of you. KENT: How did you find us? BRUCE: Your last visitor was Salamander's deputy Benik. When he left, he fixed this underneath your trailer. ASTRID: A radio tracking device. KENT: On whose authority? BRUCE: Mine. (He looks at the DOCTOR.) BRUCE: It's amazing how alike you and Salamander are. Incredible. You fooled me the first time we met, but now, even Salamander himself would think he was looking in a mirror. Why? You want this man to impersonate Salamander, why? (To the DOCTOR.) How much are they paying you? DOCTOR: I beg your pardon? BRUCE: They want you to assassinate Salamander, don't they? Take his place? DOCTOR: That's ridiculous! I couldn't possibly do that. BRUCE: But you were preparing to impersonate him, weren't you? DOCTOR: Well well, yes. BRUCE: Alright then, why? DOCTOR: Because Salamander holds my two friends prisoner and I was going to attempt to rescue them. ASTRID: And at the same time get evidence that would expose Salamander as a traitor, blackmailer and murderer! BRUCE: Quite an ambitious plan. How do you know such evidence exists? KENT: It exists in Salamander's records. BRUCE: Oh, yes, I know why you want Salamander out of the way. You hate him because he exposed your profitable sideline of misusing public money. ASTRID: Oh, it was Salamander who was misusing the money. KENT: And I was dismissed from my post and the evidence against Salamander concealed. BRUCE: So you say. But you've no evidence at all against Salamander, have you? KENT: I tell you the evidence is in Salamander's records. BRUCE: And I'm expected to take that from you? DOCTOR: We do hold evidence that Salamander isn't quite so pure and white as he's painted. BRUCE: No? What? DOCTOR: A file, containing certain information about a gentleman called Fedorin. ASTRID: Salamander was going to use this evidence against Fedorin. Blackmail him into submission. After he'd got rid of Denes, that is. KENT: And so gain control of another zone. BRUCE: Where is this file? DOCTOR: Fariah has it, Salamander's food taster. BRUCE: Fariah? But she's dead. DOCTOR: Dead? But how? BRUCE: She was shot by one of Benik's guards, escaping arrest. KENT: Escaping arrest? Benik had her killed, because she had evidence against Salamander. ASTRID: And Benik will return the file to Salamander. We must get to the Research Station. BRUCE: You're not going anywhere or doing anything. As far as I'm concerned this story you've told me could be a pack of lies to cover your attempt to assassinate Salamander. Now I'm not saying I'm altogether satisfied with Salamander or his organisation, but I'll investigate in my own way. KENT: Meanwhile Salamander will have found a way to cover himself, and also a way of disposing of you. You're digging your own grave, Bruce. BRUCE: That's my affair. And I do things my own way. (Suddenly ASTRID overpowers the guard and takes his gun.) ASTRID: And I do things my way. Really, as Head of Security, you should have more reliable guards. [SCENE_BREAK] 2. RESEARCH STATION BENIK: Leader Salamander? GUARD: Still inside, sir. BENIK: Let me know the moment the doors are opened. GUARD: Yes sir. (More guards enter with JAMIE and VICTORIA.) BENIK: So you've brought them? Good. Any trouble? GUARD LEADER: No, a light drug saw to that. BENIK: Let me know the moment they wake up. GUARD LEADER: Yes sir. BENIK: I'm looking forward to questioning them. I have the feeling they're going to be stubborn. So much more interesting when our prisoners are stubborn. [SCENE_BREAK] 3. KENT'S CARAVAN BRUCE: You're only making trouble for yourself. Killing me won't get you anywhere. ASTRID: We have to get to the Research Station, and you're not going to stop us. BRUCE: But you're completely surrounded. You don't really believe I came here with just one guard, do you? You'd be very silly to try and fight your way out. I'd give you about... thirty seconds to live if you try. KENT: Alright Bruce, we might have just thirty seconds but you'd have exactly half that time, if you were lucky! DOCTOR: Please, Mister Kent! You're forgetting one very important thing. KENT: What? DOCTOR: Me. Without me you haven't got an earthly chance of getting in that control centre. KENT: So? DOCTOR: I told you before, I will not have anything to do with violence! KENT: And what about your two friends? Are you going to leave them to the tender mercies of Salamander? DOCTOR: No I am not. May I? ASTRID: What? DOCTOR: Please? Just trust me. (He takes the gun from ASTRID.) DOCTOR: Now then, I think you agree that at this moment your life is in my hands. (He gives the gun to BRUCE, to BRUCE's surprise.) KENT & ASTRID: What are you doing? BRUCE: Hold it. DOCTOR: It's alright, Mister Bruce isn't going to shoot anyone, are you? BRUCE: Why? Why'd you do that? DOCTOR: Because I think I know what sort of man you are - honest and reasonable. BRUCE: Go on. DOCTOR: I gave you back that gun because I trust you. Now I want you to trust me. BRUCE: You must be a complete fool, or very clever. DOCTOR: Well I'm afraid you will have to make up your mind to that right away. BRUCE: What do you hope to gain from this gesture? DOCTOR: Your confidence. BRUCE: Do you believe Kent's accusations against Salamander? DOCTOR: I think there's reasonable doubt about Salamander's personal integrity, but there's only one way to get proof. BRUCE: By getting into Salamander's Research Station? DOCTOR: Yes. And my two young friends may have some information. BRUCE: And if there isn't any evidence? DOCTOR: Then you'll be perfectly free to arrest us and put us in prison, won't you? BRUCE: Alright, I'll do it, on one condition. DOCTOR: And what's that? BRUCE: That you and I go alone, Kent and the girl stay here as hostages. KENT: No wait a minute, I must go with him. BRUCE: No, Kent, you stay here. (To the DOCTOR.) I must be mad to trust you. I only hope your impersonation of Salamander fools Benik. If it doesn't, we're in dead trouble. Here, take this. (To GUARD.) Keep those two in the caravan. Oh, and, um, watch the girl. Come on. [SCENE_BREAK] 4. UNDERGROUND SHELTER, CONTROL ROOM SALAMANDER: Swann, I'm back in the control room... [SCENE_BREAK] 5. MAIN PART OF SHELTER (SALAMANDER's voice is heard over the intercom.) SALAMANDER: ...I placed the new food cases on the conveyor. Detail some men to unload them. Then make a report on schedule seven. SWANN: Jones, Morris, Hunt,... Now remember, if there's any contamination showing up at all on the resister, you must tell me immediately. COLIN: Swann? Have you ever thought what would happen to us if Salamander didn't come back from the surface one day? SWANN: No. He always comes back. And talk like that isn't healthy, I've told you about this before, Colin. COLIN: You can live in a dream world if you want to. SWANN: Morale is important down here. COLIN: Reality is important, too. Facing facts! MARY: Colin... COLIN: Yes, alright. (He returns to the unloading.) MARY: I'm sorry, Swann. SWANN: He's the best man I've got. MARY: I know. SWANN: If only he'd just accept that everything will... MARY: He never will! SWANN: He must be more patient then. We'll get out of here one day. MARY: Will we? SWANN: Of course we will. Salamander says so. MARY: Yes... COLIN: Blind idiot. Why does he think everybody else has to be an idiot too? MARY: We daren't let people think, Colin. Swann's alright. COLIN: I don't think it's right. Just work, sleep, eat - if there's enough to go round. Like worms under the earth, sightless worms wriggling about without hope. Without purpose. MARY: It isn't like that. COLIN: Isn't it? All this? Every day I ask myself what are we doing down here. MARY: You've never doubted him before. COLIN: I don't know. I don't say I doubt him, but just once Mary, just once I want to see with my own eyes what's going on up there. Me - not hear about it from anybody else. SWANN: Getting on with your work? Mustn't fall behind, you know. Come on Colin, we all get depressed. I know how you feel. COLIN: Sorry. SWANN: That's alright. (He turns to another worker.) SWANN: Ah, how we getting on here, huh? Ah, all this? That's a good haul. SALAMANDER: (Via loudspeaker.) Stand by to make your report, Swann. MARY: Reaching full power here, Swann. SWANN: (Into intercom.) Salamander, I must see you. [SCENE_BREAK] 6. CONTROL ROOM SALAMANDER: Not now, we are too busy. SWANN: (Over intercom.) This is urgent. SALAMANDER: Oh very well. (He opens the door. SWANN enters.) SALAMANDER: Now what's the matter, huh? SWANN: What's this? What is this? SALAMANDER: What? SWANN: Newspaper. It's a piece of newspaper. SALAMANDER: So? SWANN: Well go on, look at it. Read it. Last year's date. Look at the bit of headline there. THERE! SALAMANDER: Control yourself, Swann. You'll go mad. SWANN: "Holiday Liner Sinks"! You say there's a global war. Radiation everywhere. How can there be holiday liners? Tell me how? You've lied to us, haven't you? HAVEN'T YOU? SALAMANDER: In a way, Swann, yes. I had to. SWANN: Had to? What do you mean had to? SALAMANDER: Well it's true that... that the war is over, but have you any idea what happens to people who've been involved in a nuclear war? HAVE YOU? SWANN: Course I haven't, I've been down here. SALAMANDER: Those who are lucky enough to escape the annihilation have their bodies eaten away by radiation poisoning. They're deformed in mind and body. SWANN: But this, this, this newspaper? SALAMANDER: They have a kind of society, but it's... it's evil! Corrupt! You don't think I could expose you to to that sort of thing? Think of Mary and the other women. SWANN: You could have told me, at least. SALAMANDER: I decided not to. SWANN: You should have told me. SALAMANDER: I thought it was best. SWANN: And what about the natural disasters we've been organising? The volcanoes, earthquakes? SALAMANDER: Swann, they're not fit to live. SWANN: You're murdering them, killing them off! SALAMANDER: I want you and the others to inherit the Earth, make a new world. SWANN: Yes, I know all about that, but not at the price of wholesale murder! SALAMANDER: It's not murder! If you could see you would understand. It's an act of mercy. SWANN: There must be some other way. SALAMANDER: NO! SWANN: I won't take your word any more. I want to see for myself. SALAMANDER: You, you, you'd be horrified. SWANN: Maybe. SALAMANDER: The radiation would kill you! SWANN: I'll chance that. SALAMANDER: Very well. But, but promise me one thing, you won't tell the others. SWANN: Why shouldn't I? SALAMANDER: Because I am right and you are wrong!! You, you wouldn't want to, you wouldn't want to hurt them like that, huh? SWANN: And if you're lying, and I want to tell when I get back...? SALAMANDER: How can I stop you? You'd better, ah, tell them you're coming with me. Say er, say you've persuaded me. Swann, trust me, don't go ahead with this huh? SWANN: I have to. (SWANN switches on the microphone.) [SCENE_BREAK] 7. MAIN SHELTER SWANN: (Via speaker.) This is Swann speaking. It's nearly a year since anyone went on the surface with Salamander... COLIN: Salamander's changed his mind. He's going to take me with him. [SCENE_BREAK] 8. CONTROL ROOM SWANN: There are more stores to bring down too. Salamander can't do it all on his own. We'll both be back soon with good news I hope. (They depart for the surface.) [SCENE_BREAK] 9. MAIN SHELTER COLIN: Why not me? Why? I asked him. He turned me down. MARY: Colin... COLIN: Why not me? WHY NOT ME?? Salamander, take me with you! TAKE ME WITH YOU!! MARY: He's gone, it's no good. Please Colin. COLIN: Why didn't he take me? I've got to get out of here, Mary. Got to get out. [SCENE_BREAK] 10. ROOM IN RESEARCH STATION VICTORIA: Jamie? Jamie? JAMIE: What? Ooooh. VICTORIA: Here, drink this. The headache soon goes. JAMIE: Where are we? VICTORIA: I don't know. JAMIE: Ah, let's find out. (He opens the door. BENIK enters.) BENIK: Don't leave us so soon. We can have a little talk. JAMIE: Where are we? BENIK: You're in the Australasian zone. I had you brought here especially. JAMIE: Why? BENIK: So that Salamander could ask you some questions. JAMIE: For all the answers he's gonna get he might as well have left us there. BENIK: Stand up when you talk to me! JAMIE: You'll get nowhere by shouting. BENIK: On the contrary. I'm going to get everything I want from you two. JAMIE: We'll not tell you a thing. BENIK: (Laughs.) That's good. I like that. JAMIE: What? BENIK: Spirit. Resistance. You've got plenty of both, haven't you, boy? Well I wonder how long you'll last. Five minutes? No, a little longer, maybe? Ten, perhaps? JAMIE: What do you mean? BENIK: Come now, you don't think I'm just going to sit here and ask questions, do you? JAMIE: You must have been a nasty little boy. BENIK: Oh I was. But I had a very enjoyable childhood. (He hits JAMIE.) BENIK: Ha ha hah. Yes, I thought so. Spirit, plenty of spirit. Oh, we're going to enjoy ourselves, aren't we? Now then... VICTORIA: I... I thought you were going to take us to see Salamander? BENIK: Yes I will. But he'd expect me to do my little best first. JAMIE: You lay a finger on her, I'll kill you. BENIK: (Laughs.) Will you? How? Ha ha ha. No. I think the time's come for you to answer my questions, don't you? Come here, girl! If you don't, I shall have to shoot one of you. Oh, not a mortal wound. In the leg, perhaps? JAMIE: Better go. Don't worry. BENIK: There. That's better. Oh, such pretty hair, don't you think? (He pulls VICTORIA's hair.) VICTORIA: Aaah! JAMIE: Alright, leave her alone. What do want to know? BENIK: Quite a lot. And you're going to tell me everything. Aren't you? (BENIK pulls again.) VICTORIA: Aaah! JAMIE: All right, yes! BENIK: Who's behind you? Is it Giles Kent? (He throws VICTORIA to the floor. SALAMANDER enters.) SALAMANDER: Oh, so they're here, eh? BENIK: Salamander, I, I thought you were in Records? SALAMANDER: Have they told you anything yet? BENIK: Not yet. SALAMANDER: Very well. Bruce and I will take over. You may go, and er, take your little puppy dog with you, hm? (BENIK and his guard leave.) SALAMANDER: Now... JAMIE: We can't tell you anything. SALAMANDER: Of course not. We know everything. We know about Giles Kent, we know about the girl called Astrid, and we know about your friend the Doctor. VICTORIA: I don't believe you. SALAMANDER: A childish plan to impersonate me. Yes the truth, isn't it? JAMIE: Ah but he didn't agree to it. SALAMANDER: But you two were sent to the Central European road zone to stir up trouble. VICTORIA: If you want to know he truth, Giles Kent told us a story and we weren't sure. Before the Doctor could do anything we had to come here and find out what person you were like. JAMIE: Yeah, and we found that out right enough. SALAMANDER: You see Bruce, they just terrorists. Not very big fry, either. All this nonsense about proof against me. VICTORIA: If you're doing so much good for the world, why are you so afraid for your own life? JAMIE: Aye, and why do you have so many enemies? VICTORIA: Personal guards? JAMIE: Your own food taster? VICTORIA: And why destroy the one man people trusted, Alexander Denes? JAMIE: Aye. BRUCE: What do you mean, destroy? VICTORIA: One of your men shot him. BRUCE: Trying to escape? VICTORIA: He shot him deliberately. JAMIE: Aye. And that girl Fariah, well she was close to Salamander, she'd speak against him, I know she would. SALAMANDER: Fariah is dead. VICTORIA: Dead? JAMIE: You've had her murdered too, have you? VICTORIA: Why you... (She lashes out.) SALAMANDER: (In the DOCTOR's voice.) Oh, Victoria! Don't hit me! You wouldn't hit your old friend the Doctor, would you? I wouldn't leave you in the tender mercy of Salamander. JAMIE: You're the Doctor? DOCTOR: You don't believe me? Oh. Huh. (He produces his recorder and plays a tune.) DOCTOR: Only, you made me leave it in the TARDIS. JAMIE: It is him! VICTORIA: Oh, Doctor! BRUCE: "Tardis"? "Tardis", what's that? DOCTOR: Well, it's a little place that we three have in common. You must admit they thought I was Salamander to begin with. BRUCE: Yes. I concede that. But there's still no proof. DOCTOR: No, but there's enough doubt in your mind to make you go on asking questions, isn't there? That's why we came here. [SCENE_BREAK] 11. OUTSIDE THE RECORDS ROOM BENIK: I told you to let me know when Salamander was out of Records. GUARD: But no one's come out, sir. BENIK: What did you say? GUARD: He hasn't come out, sir. [SCENE_BREAK] 12. TUNNEL, NEAR THE SURFACE SWANN: Wait. What happens up there? SALAMANDER: Oh, it ends in a ruined building. This is where I bring the stores, uh, you would be safer here. SWANN: Safer? SALAMANDER: Yes, the radiation. I don't think it filters down here. SWANN: I still want to see the surface. SALAMANDER: You will, you will. [SCENE_BREAK] 13. KENT'S CARAVAN KENT: I should have insisted on going with him. Bruce should have taken me. ASTRID: You know he doesn't trust you. KENT: He wouldn't trust his own grandmother. ASTRID: Oh, never mind, Giles. We've come a long way. Months ago, well a few weeks ago even, nobody would have even listened to you. KENT: Oh, maybe. ASTRID: There's no maybe about it. KENT: Yeah perhaps you're right. Bruce listens to us at last. He's even prepared to ask questions, that's fine, but I know Salamander. He'd talk his way out of the quicksand. ASTRID: Well what else can we do, the guard's still outside? KENT: I must get into the Research Centre. I've got to make sure that Bruce understands the evidence, understands it, Astrid. Don't you realize, he mightn't know what he's looking for. I know. ASTRID: But we can't attack the guard. It would only make matters worse. KENT: Not if I was to give Bruce real evidence. ASTRID: Giles, how long would it take you to get to the Research Station? KENT: Well just a few minutes, I've got a pass. It's just a matter of getting there. ASTRID: Alright, I think I can help you. I'll draw the guard off and leave you alone. KENT: You think you can do it? ASTRID: Yes, I think so. KENT: But I thought you said we weren't going to attack the guard? ASTRID: Oh, we're not going to attack the guard, but there is going to be an attack. A fatal one. [SCENE_BREAK] 14. TUNNEL, NEAR THE SURFACE SWANN: Where does this lead? SALAMANDER: It goes on up and comes out in a field. SWANN: What about radiation? SALAMANDER: Here it's almost negligible. SWANN: You mean you could have brought others here from below? I don't understand you. Don't you realise what a break it would be for them, just moving away from that underground tomb once in a while? SALAMANDER: You seem to forget, Swann, I've brought people up here before! There's always an element of risk! SWANN: I still want to have a look at these people you say are living on the surface. Where does that lead? SALAMANDER: Oh, that's a dead end. It's a place I sometimes rest. It's very hard work, you know, bringing all the... SWANN: Yes, I know that. (He gestures.) This way, then? SALAMANDER: You, you sure you... won't change your mind, huh? [SCENE_BREAK] 15. KENT'S CARAVAN (KENT lies on the floor. ASTRID breaks the window.) GUARD: What's going on here? ASTRID: He's been shot. Through the window. GUARD: Alright, stand back. He's finished. Better get a doctor anyway, just in case. (KENT leaps up, he and ASTRID run off.) GUARD: Hey! Come back! [SCENE_BREAK] 16. FIELD, NEAR THE TUNNEL ENTRANCE (ASTRID is hiding in some bushes.) SWANN: (Faintly.) Hellllp! Somebody help me. Heeellllp! Help... Somebody help me... ASTRID: Who did this to you? SWANN: A man named... Salamander. ASTRID: Salamander?

The Doctor persuades Bruce to help him infiltrate Salamander's research centre while Salamander takes drastic action to prevent Swann finding out the truth.

fd_How_I_Met_Your_Mother_01x01

fd_How_I_Met_Your_Mother_01x01_0

Scene One [Title: The Year 2030] Narrator: Kids, I'm going to tell you an incredible story. The story of how I met your mother Son: Are we being punished for something? Narrator: No Daughter: Yeah, is this going to take a while? Narrator: Yes. (Kids are annoyed) Twenty-five years ago, before I was dad, I had this whole other life. (Music Plays, Title "How I Met Your Mother" appears) Narrator: It was way back in 2005. I was twenty-seven just starting to make it as an architect and living in New York with my friend Marshall, my best friend from college. My life was good and then Uncle Marshall went and screwed the whole thing up. Marshall: (Opens ring) Will you marry me. Ted: Yes, perfect! And then you're engaged, you pop the champagne! You drink a toast! You have s*x on the kitchen floor... Don't have s*x on our kitchen floor. Marshall: Got it. Thanks for helping me plan this out, Ted. Ted: Dude, are you kidding? It's you and Lily! I've been there for all the big moments of you and Lily. The night you met. Your first date... other first things. Marshall: (laughs) yeah, sorry. We thought you were asleep. Ted: It's physics Marshall, if the bottom bunk moves, the top bunk moves too. My god, you're getting engaged tonight. Marshall: Yeah, what are you doing tonight? (Scene Freezes) Narrator: What was I doing? Your Uncle Marshall was taking the biggest step of his life, and me-I'm calling your Uncle, Barney. [Cut to Later: Barney's in the barber shop, Ted's talking from home] Barney: (on the phone) hey, so you know how I've always had a thing for half-Asian girls? Well, now I've got a new favorite: Lebanese girls! Lebanese girls are the new half-Asians. Ted: Hey, you wanna do something tonight? Barney: Okay, meet me at the bar in fifteen minutes, and Suit up! [SCENE_BREAK] Scene Two (The Bar) Ted: Hey. Barney: Where's your suit!? Just once when I say suit up, I wish you'd put on a suit. Ted: I did that one time. Barney: It was a blazer! Ted: You know, ever since college it's been Marshall and Lily and me. Now it's going to be Marshall and Lily... and me. They'll get married, start a family-before long I'm the weird, middle-aged bachelor their kids call "Uncle Ted". (Barney hits Ted) Barney: I see what this is about. Have you forgotten what I said to you the night we met? [Cut to Flashback the night Barney and Ted met] [Still in the Bar] (Ted is talking to another couple; Barney randomly joins them and interrupts) Barney: Ted, I'm going to teach you how to live. (Ted's shocked) Barney, we met at the urinal. Ted: Oh, right. Hi. Barney: Lesson one, lose the goatee. It doesn't look good with your suit. Ted: I'm not wearing a suit. Barney: Lesson two, get a suit. Suits are cool. (Points to self with bear bottle in hand) Exhibit A. (Flirts to a woman unseen) Lesson three, don't even think about getting married till you're... thirty. [Flashback ends] Ted: Thirty, right. You're right. I guess it's just, you're best friend gets engaged-you start thinking about that stuff. Barney: I thought I was your best friend. Ted, say I'm your best friend. Ted: You're my best friend, Barney. Barney: Good! And as your best friend, I suggest we play a little game called... "Have you met Ted?" Ted: Wai-no, no, no. We're not playing "Have You Met Ted?" Barney: (Taps a woman names Yasmine) Hi, have you met Ted? (Leaves and watches from a distance). Ted: (To Yasmine) Hi, I'm Ted. Yasmine: Yasmine. Ted: It's a very pretty name. Yasmine: Thanks, It's Lebanese. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene Three (The Apartment) Marshall: Hey! Lily: Urgh. I'm exhausted. It was finger painting day at school, and a five year old boy (takes coat off revealing a purple hand print on her right breast) got to second base with me. Wow, you're cooking? Marshall: Yes, I am. Lily: Aww-(They kiss) Are you sure that's a good idea after last time? You looked really creepy without eyebrows. Marshall: I can handle this; I'm full of surprises tonight. Lily: So there's more surprises? Like what? Narrator: Marshall was in his second year of law school, so he was pretty good at thinking on his feet. Marshall: BOOGITY BOO! And that's all of them! I'm goanna go... cook. (Leaves) [Cut to the bar, Ted is chatting with Yasmine] Ted: I'm so happy for Marshall, I really am. I just couldn't imagine settling down right now. Yasmine: So do you think you'll ever get married? Ted: Well maybe eventually. Some fall day. Possibly in Central Park. Simple ceremony, we'll write our own vows. But--eh--no DJ, people will dance. I'm not going to worry about it! Damn it, why did Marshall have to get engaged? (Yasmine laughs) Yeah, nothing hotter than a guy planning out his own imaginary wedding, huh? Yasmine: Actually, I think it's cute. Ted: Well, you're clearly drunk (pulls her wine glass away. Hold up glass to bartender) ONE MORE FOR THE LADY! [Cut to Kitchen with Marshall and Lily. Lily has a pan out saut ing, Marshall jumps off a countertop] Marshall: Okay, look what I got (runs to the fridge. Takes out wine bottle) Lily: Aw-honey. Champagne! (hands it to Marshall) Marshall: (after short silence) Yeah. (hands it back) Lily: (realizing) No, you are too old to be scared to open a bottle of champagne! Marshall: I'm not scared. Lily: Then open it! Marshall: Fine (takes bottle. Looks at it for a couple of seconds) Please open it (hands it to Lily) Lily: You are unbelievable, Marshall. No-(Scene splits in half and shows both Lily and Marshall on top arguing and Ted and Yasmine on the bottom mingling) Narrator: There are two big questions a man has to ask in life. One you plan out for months, the other just slips out when you're half drunk at some bar. Marshall: (To Lily) will you marry me? Ted: (To Yasmine) you wanna go out sometime? (Scene split ends, and returns to Lily and Marshall's scene) Lily: Of course, you idiot! (hugs him and they fall back) [Cut to Scene with Ted and Yasmine at bar] Yasmine: I'm sorry; Carl's my boyfriend (points to bartender) Ted: Sup, Carl? [Cut to Scene in Kitchen, Marshall and Lily lay up while on the ground, after s*x] Marshall: I promised Ted we wouldn't do that. Lily: Did you know there's a pop tart under your fridge? Marshall: No, but dibs. Where's that champagne? I wanna drink a toast with my fianc . Lily: aww (claps. They kiss) Marshall: I don't know why I was so scared of this. Pretty easy right? (Pops cork, hit's Lily's eye) Lily: (YELLS) Marshall: (covers mouth) OH! Ted: Why am I freaking out all of a sudden? This is crazy! I'm not ready to settle down. Barney: (ignoring) how does Carl land a Lebanese girl? Ted: It's always been "don't even think about it till you're thirty" Barney: Exactly-the guy doesn't even own a suit! Ted: Plus Marshall's found the love of his life. Even if I was ready, which I'm not, but if I was it's like, "Okay, I'm ready! Where is she?" (Spots Robin) Narrator: and there she was. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene Four (The Bar-Focusing on Ted and Robin) Narrator: It was like something from an old movie. Where the sailor sees the girl across the crowded dance floor, turns to his buddy and says, "see that girl? I'm going to marry her someday" Ted: Hey Barney, see that girl? (Breif cut-out portion) Barney: (to Robin) Hey, have you met Ted? Robin: Let me guess, (points) Ted? (Ted Nods) [SCENE_BREAK] Scene Five (Taxi on the way to hospital) Marshall: I'm sorry, Lily. I'm so sorry. Take us to the hospital. Cabdriver: Whoa, whoa, whoa-did you hit her? (Laughter) Lily: Hit me? Please, this guy could barely even spank me in bed for fun. He's all like, (hits ice in bag using to cover eye) "Oh, did that hurt?" and I'm like, "Come on, let me have it you pansy!" (realizes) Wow, complete stranger. Cabdriver: no, no, no, no-it's okay, go on. (Turns meter on.) So these, spankin's...you in pajamas or going "naturelle" [Cut to bar with Robin] Ted: So what do you do? Robin: I'm a reporter for Metro News 1. Ted: (nods) Oh. Robin: Well, kind of a reporter. I do those dumb little fluff pieces at the end of the news, you know. Like-um-monkey that can play the ukulele. I'm hoping to get some bigger stories soon. Ted: Bigger like, uh, gorilla with an up-right bass? Sorry, you're really pretty. (Robin laughs and waves to her friends) Oh, your friends don't seem too happy. Robin: Yeah, see the one in the middle just got dumped by her boyfriend so tonight every guy is... "The enemy". Ted: You know if you don't make your friend feel better you could throw a drink at my face. I don't mind. Robin: She would love that! It does look fun in the movies. Ted: Hey, you wanna have dinner with me Saturday night? Robin: Oh, I can't. I'm going to Orlando for a week on Friday. Some guys attempting to make a big (cut) so my news is covering it. Ted: That's going to take a week? Robin: Yeah, he's going to eat it too, it's another record. Robin's Dumped Friend: Hey, what's taking so long? Ted: Uh, I know this is a long shot, but how about tomorrow night? Robin: (stops) Yeah, (agrees) What the hell (passes number to Ted. Throws drink on Ted's face) JERK! (Walks away. Whispers) that was fun. Barney: (comes back laughing) De-wait for it-nied! Denied! Ted: We're going out tomorrow night. Barney: I thought we were playing laser tag tomorrow night? Ted: Yeah, I was never going to go play laser tag. (Wipes alcohol off his face) [SCENE_BREAK] Scene Six (Bistro, Ted's date with Robin. There's a blue French horn showcased on the wall a table away from theirs.) Narrator: The next night, I took her out to this little bistro in Brooklyn. Robin: Wow that is one bad-ass blue French horn. Ted: Yeah. Robin: Mhmm. Ted: Sort of looks like a... Smurf pen1s. (Scene Freezes) Narrator: Son, a piece of advice. When you go on a first date you really don't wanna say "smurf pen1s". Girls don't ordinarily like that. (Scene unfreezes. Robin spits her drink back into her glass. Laughs) Narrator: But that was no ordinary girl. [Cut to the Apartment] (Lily and Marshall are sitting on the couch. Lily's wearing an eye patch on her left eye and is totally unaware that Marshall is sitting bedside her because of the eye patch.) Marshall: Lilly? (Lily jolts) Lily: How long have you been sitting there!? Stupid eye patch. (Ted enters) Ted: Mom, dad, I have found the future Mrs. Ted Mosby! Marshall, how have I always described my perfect woman? Marshall: Oh let's see (thinks) she likes dogs? [Flashback to Date] Robin: I've got five dogs. [Flashback over.] Marshall:...she drinks scotch? [Flashback to Date] Robin: I love a scotch that's old enough to order its own scotch. [Flashback over.] Marshall: Can quote obscure lines from "Ghostbusters"? [Flashback to Date] Robin: Ray, when someone asks you if you're a god you say, "Yes!" [Flashback over.] Ted: And I'm saving the best for last. [Flashback to Date] Robin: Do you want these? (Holding up remaining olives from her plate) I hate olives. [Flashback over.] Marshall: She hates olives! Awesome! Lily: The olive theory. [Flashback to Date] Ted: The olive theory is based on my friends, Marshall and Lily. He hates olives, she loves them. In a weird way that's what makes them such a great couple. A Perfect balance (eats olive). Robin: You know, I've had a jar of olives just sitting in my fridge forever. Ted: (flirting) I can take them off your hands. Robin: (flirting back) they're all yours. [Flashback over] Marshall: Oh, it is on! It is on (imitates robot) till the break of dawn. Lily: wait, it's only the break of ten-thirty. What happened? [Flashback to Walking Robin home] Robin: I've gotta get one of those blue French horns for over my fireplace. It's gotta be blue, it's gotta be French. Ted: No Green Clarinet? Robin: No. Ted: Come on, no purple tuba? Robin: It's a smurf pen1s, we're no dice. (Metro News 1 Van appears) Producer: (from inside van) there you are! We've got a jumper! Some crazy guy on the Manhattan Bridge. Come on, you're covering it! Robin: Um, alright. I'll be right there. (To Ted) I'm sorry. I had a really great time tonight. Ted: Yeah. [Flashback Over] Marshall: So? Did you kiss her? Ted: No. The moment wasn't right. (They sigh) Look, this woman could be my future wife; I want our first kiss to be amazing. Lily: Aww, Ted that's so sweet. So you chickened out like the little bitch. Ted: What? I did not chicken out! You know what? I don't need to take first kiss advice from some pirate who hasn't been single since the first week of college. Lily: Ted, anyone who's single would tell you the same thing. Even the dumbest single person alive, and if you don't believe me...call him. (Calls Barney) (Barney's playing laser tag on the other end of the line) Barney: (Phone) Hey loser, how's not playing laser tag? Because playing laser tag is awesome! Oh, I killed you Connor; don't make me get your mom! Ted: Hey, listen. I need your opinion on something. Barney: Okay, meet me at the bar in fifteen minutes-AND SUIT UP! [SCENE_BREAK] [Slides to Bar Scene] (Lily, Ted, Barney and Marshall sitting at a table) Ted: So these guys think I chickened out. What do you think? Barney: I can't believe you're still not wearing a SUIT! Ted: She didn't even give me the signal. Barney: What is she goanna-is she goanna bat her eyes at you in Morse code (bats eyes)?? Ted (bats eyes) Kiss me-No, you just kiss her! Ted: Not if you don't get the signal. Barney: Ee-(Kisses Marshal) Did Marshall give me the signal? Marshall: No! (To Lily) I didn't, I swear. Barney: But see-at least, tonight, I get to sleep knowing, Marshall and Me... never going to happen. You should've kissed her. Ted: Urgh, I should've kissed her. What about when she gets back from Orlando? Barney: A week? That's like-a year in hot girl time. She'll forget all about you. Mark my words: you will never see that one again. (notices Robin on Metro News 1 On TV) Ted: There she is... Lily: Ooo. She's cute! (To Carl) Hey Carl, turn it up! Robin: (on TV)...persuaded him to reconsider at which point the man came down off the ledge, giving this bizarre story a happy ending. Reporting from Marshall: Huh, guy didn't jump Robin: (on TV) Metro One News, back to you bill. Ted: I'm goanna go kiss her. Right now. Marshall: Oh-Dude, it's midnight. As your future lawyer I'm goanna advise you: that's freakin' crazy! Ted: I never do anything crazy! I'm always waiting for the moment! Planning the moment! Well she's leaving tomorrow this may be the only moment I'm goanna get! I gotta do what that guy couldn't, I gotta take the leap! Okay not a perfect metaphor, for me it's fall in love and get married-for him it's... death. Barney: Actually, that is a perfect metaphor. By the way, did I congratulate you two? (Raises glass to Lily and Marshall) Ted: I'm doing this. (Starts to leave) Lily: Let's go (pulls Marshall up) Marshall: Word up! Lily: We're coming with you. Ted:...Barney? Barney: Alright, but under one condition. [Cut to Scene in Taxicab] Barney: (happy) look at you, you beautiful b*st*rd, you suited up! This is totally going in my blog! Ted: (To Ranjit-Cabdriver) Stop the car. Uh-pull over right here. I gotta do something. (Runs into the bistro he was in on his date with Robin climbs on peoples table) Ted: Excuse me, pardon me. (grabs the Blue French Horn) Enjoy your coffee. (Runs away) Waitor: Hey, HEY! (Jumps back into the taxicab) Ted: go, go, GO! (looks to his friends. Shrugs) Everybody brings flowers. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene Seven (Taxicab) Ted: (Exhales) Okay. Moment of truth. Wish me luck. (Exhales) Barney: Ted's goanna get it on with a TV reporter (nods. Laughs.) This just in. Okay (holds hand up for high-fives) Lily: Kiss her, Ted. Kiss her good. Marshall: Kiss the crap out of that girl Ted: Marshall, remember this night. When you're the best man at our wedding and you give a speech, you're goanna tell this story. (exits cab) Barney: Why does he get to be the best man? (Shouts out) I'M YOUR BEST FRIEND! Narrator: As I walked up to that door a million thoughts raced through my mind. Unfortunately, one particular thought did not. [Flashback to Date] Robin: I've got five dogs. [Flashback Ends] (Ted presses the buzzer, dogs begin to bark. Walks down the steps back toward the cab) Ted: Not good, not good, not good, not good. Lily: No! Marshall: Go back in there! Barney: You're wearing a suit! (Ted walks back toward the door) Robin: (from window) Ted? Ted: Hi! (Silence) I was just uh-(hold up Smurf pen1s, aka French Horn) Robin: Come on up. (Ted enters) [In the Cab] Marshall: He's in. Barney: So, (looks to the cabdriver) Ranjit... you must've done it with a Lebanese girl. Lily: Okay-that's my Barney Limit. (Starts to leave the cab) I'm goanna see if that Bodega has a bathroom. (Leaves) Ranjit: Actually, I'm from Bangladesh. Barney: The women hot there? Ranjit: Here's a picture of my wife! (Shows picture) Barney: (Whispers to Marshall) Simple no would have sufficed. (To Ranjit) She's lovely. [Cut to Robin's Apartment] Robin: So, Ted. What brings you back to Brooklyn at one in the morning in a-suit. Ted: I was just hoping to get those olives... that you said I could have. Robin: Would you like those olives with some Gin and Vermouth? Ted: Are you trying to get me drunk? Robin: For starters (turns music on. Leaves to the kitchen) Ted: (Looks up and mouths) Thank you. [Cut to the Cab] Barney: So, Marshall. This "Olive Theory" based on you and Lily? Marshall: Yeah... Barney: You hate olives? Lily loves them, you can't stand them. Marshall: Yeah, hate olives. Barney: Two weeks ago, Spanish bar on 79th Street, dish of olives-you had some. What up? Marshall: (looks around for sign of Lily) You have to swear that this does not leave this cab. Barney: I swear. Ranjit: (Cuts into conversation) I swear. Marshall: On our first date, I ordered a Greek salad; Lily asked if she could have my olives. I said, "Sure... I hate olives." Barney: But you like olives! Marshall: Well, I was eighteen, okay? I was a virgin. Been waiting for my whole life for a pretty girl to want my olives. Barney: Marshall, I'm going to get you an early wedding present. Don't get married. [Cut to Robin's Apartment] (Robin and Ted are dancing, all five dogs are watching) Robin: I think I like your "Olive Theory". Ted: I think I like your French Horn. Robin: I think I like your nose. Ted: I think I'm in love with you. [Cut to the bar] (After Ted tells them the story) Lily, Marshall and Barney: What? [Cut to the year 2030.] Son and Daughter: What? [Cut to Robin's Apartment] Robin: What? [Cut to the Cab] Barney: Come on man, you said your stomach's been hurting, right? You know what that is! Hunger. You're hungry for experience. Hungry for something new. Hungry for olives. But you're too scared to do anything about it. Marshall: Yeah, I'm scared, okay? But when I think about spending the rest of my life with Lily... committing forever, no other women (Lily appears behind Marshall in the open window) doesn't scare me at all. I'm marrying that girl. (Lily pops her head in from the window. Marshall turns around) Lily. Lily, I like olives. Lily: We'll make it work. (They kiss.) Ranjit: aww. [Cut to Robin's Apartment] (Long Silence) Ted: So Orlando, you goanna hit Disney World? Robin: You love me? Ted: Oh, god, I can't believe I said that. Why did I say that? Who says that? I should just go. (Gets up) Robin: Hold on. (Gets up) Wait a minute. (Hands him Olives) Promised you these. Ted: Olives. Thanks. I love you. What's wrong with me? [Cut to cab] Barney: Why are we still sitting here? Let's go! We can still make last call. What do you say Lil? (Pirate Accent) Yo, ho ho and a bottle o' rum? (Silence) 'Cuz you're a pirate... Lily: Okay, eye patch gone-(takes eye patch off and throws it at Barney) And we can't just abandon Ted. If it doesn't go well up there he's gonna need some support. Marshall: It's been like twenty minutes. You think they're doin' it? Barney: You think they're doing it in front of the dogs? Marshall: Doggie style. (Laughs) Barney: I had this girl in college; she had a golden retriever- Lily: Okay, we can go to the bar, just stop talking. Barney: Hit it Ranjit. (They drive off) (Ted and Robin come out the door) Ted: So when you tell this story to your friends, could you avoid the word "psycho"? I prefer...eccentric. Robin: Good night, psycho (smiles). (Ted sarcastically clutches heart. Realizes friends left him) Ted: Great (before Robin closes the door) Umm... how do I get to the F Train? Robin: Oh, um-two blocks (comes out) that way (points) and take a right. Ted: (upset/tired) Thanks. (Walks down the steps. Robin begins to walk in) You know what? (Robin stops. Ted turns around). I'm done being single. I'm not good at it. Look, obviously you can't tell a woman you just met you love her. But... it sucks that you can't. I'll tell you something though, if a woman-not you... just some hypothetical woman-were to bare with me through all this. I think I'd make a damn good husband. Because that's the stuff I'd be good at. Stuff like making her laugh and being a good father... and walking her five hypothetical dogs. Being a good kisser. Robin: Everyone thinks they're a good kisser. Ted: Oh, I've got references. Robin: Good night, Ted. (Shake hands.) Ted: And I'm a good hand shaker Robin: that's a pretty great hand shake. (Looks him in the eyes) [Cut to later at the bar] Ted: And that was it, probably never see her again. (Silence) What? Marshall: That was the signal! Lily: That long lingering handshake-you should've kissed her! Barney: There's no such thing as the signal. But yeah-that was the signal. (Ranjit appears) Rangit: Signal (nods) Marshal: Ah, Carl thank you. Something I gotta do. Carl: By the way, you should've kissed her. Ted: Carl!? (turns to friends) You guys weren't there. (Marshall Pops cork without injuring anyone) Lily: I am so turned on right now. Ted: Guys, trust me. I've seen the signal. That was not the signal. Barney: Yeah Ted, we're not on you anymore. Marshall: (Toasting) To my fianc ! Lily: (smiles) to the future! Ranjit: To one hell of a night! Ted: That was not the signal! (Scene pans out) Narrator: I asked her about it years later, and yeah, that was the signal. I could've kissed her. But that's the funny thing about destiny. [Flashback to Robin Throwing Drink in Ted's face] Narrator:... it happens whether you plan it or not. I mean I... [Flashback to Robin laughing at Ted's "Smurf pen1s" joke] Narrator:... never thought I'd see that girl again. But it... [Flashback to Robin looking down at Ted from her apartment window] Narrator:...turns out, I was just too close... [Flashback to Robin and Ted dancing] Narrator:...to the puzzle to see the picture that was forming. Because that kids... [Cut to year 2030. Kids intently listening keenly interested] Narrator:...is the true story, of how I met your Aunt Robin. Son: Aunt Robin? Daughter: I thought this was about how you met mom! Narrator: Will you relax? I'm getting to it. (Son and daughter sit back unpleased) like I said: [Cut to panning out at the bar] Narrator:...it's a long story.

After his best friend Marshall proposes to his long-term girlfriend, Lily, Ted solicits help from his friend Barney to find 'The One' for his life. He manages to get a date with Robin, a girl he met at his usual neighborhood bar, but threatens to scare Robin away when he accidentally reveals his love for her on the very first date. Meanwhile, Marshall accidentally hits Lily in the eye with the champagne stopper after they get engaged, forcing her to wear an eyepatch.

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THE INVASION OF TIME BY "DAVID AGNEW" GRAHAM WILLIAMS AND ANTHONY READ Part One Running time: 25:00 [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: I am prepared. LEADER: Speed is vital, Doctor. [SCENE_BREAK] LEELA: K9, can you tell me how long he'll be? K9: Negative. Prognostication impossible in matters concerning Doctor. LEELA: Prog what? K9: I cannot tell. LEELA: Can you tell me where we've landed? K9: Affirmative. LEELA: Well? K9: Materialisation took place on alien spacecraft. LEELA: Why wouldn't the Doctor let me go with him? K9: I do not know. Prognostication impossible BOTH: In matters concerning. I know, I know. Well, he may need my help. I'm going to take a look. K9: Do not touch the scanner control, mistress. LEELA: Oh, I know the Doctor said we weren't supposed to, but wouldn't you like to see where he is? Who he's talking to? K9: Negative. Wishing for such things is emotion. I am not programmed LEELA: Oh, shut up. You're no help at all. LEELA: What's wrong? Why won't it work? K9? K9, what's? K9, sulking is also an emotional thing. If you cannot wish, you cannot sulk. K9! K9, I'm sorry. LEELA: I didn't mean to shout at you. K9: Apologies are not necessary. LEELA: No, no, no, of course they're not. Now, can you tell me, please, why this scanner will not work? K9: The Doctor immobilised the mechanism before he left in order to prevent you switching it on. LEELA: You mean he doesn't trust me? What is he doing out there? [SCENE_BREAK] LEADER: We will conclude formalities. Sign it. DOCTOR: I never sign anything before I've read it. LEADER: Then read it. DOCTOR: You promised complete control over the Time Lords. VARDAN: You will have complete control. DOCTOR: But here in paragraph four sub VARDAN: Lawyer's quibbles, Doctor. DOCTOR: Well, I've heard that before. Almost got me killed once, but of course you know that. LEADER: Sign it! DOCTOR: Complete control. LEADER: My word. DOCTOR: Well, I've signed so many things, one more won't make any difference. LEADER: But it will, Doctor. It will. DOCTOR: I'm honoured to be allowed to serve your glorious cause. [SCENE_BREAK] LEELA: Where have you been? DOCTOR: Shush. LEELA: (quietly) Where have you been? Why did you turn the scanner off? Doctor, where have you been? DOCTOR: Order K9 to tell you to shut up. LEELA: Yes. K9, the Doctor said you're to tell me to shut up. How dare you! K9: Adopt silent mode, mistress. LEELA: K9, you K9: Imperative, mistress. [SCENE_BREAK] ANDRED: Speak. Where? When? Relative time, please, Rodan. Thank you. ANDRED: Ahem. KELNER: Yes? What is it, Commander. ANDRED: A report, sir. KELNER: Continue. ANDRED: Temporal scan indicates unidentified capsule approaching. KELNER: Unidentified? ANDRED: At this distance, within our own continuum, unidentified, sir. KELNER: But our own? ANDRED: Molecular patina indicates Gallifreyan origin, yes, sir, but it's too early for a positive. KELNER: When, then? ANDRED: Approximately two minutes relative, sir. KELNER: Defences? ANDRED: Green level. KELNER: No sense in taking chances, Commander. Go to amber alert. ANDRED: Yes, sir. ANDRED: Main security. Commander Andred speaking. Please establish amber alert. [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: Amber alert. They've put an amber alert on me. On me? Cheek. K9: Cheek? DOCTOR: Yes, cheek. K9: Physical characteristics, humanoid facial component. DOCTOR: Wrong. K9: Tertiary data check insists definition correct. DOCTOR: Amber alert? On me? [SCENE_BREAK] ANDRED: Confirmation, sir. The capsule is Gallifreyan. KELNER: Then what is all the fuss about? ANDRED: Still unidentified. KELNER: Unidentified? KELNER: Only two Time Lords are absent from their duties here on authorised research missions. You will find their molecular codes in ANDRED: Yes, sir. Neither match. I've checked. KELNER: Then who is in that capsule? Unauthorised use of a time capsule has only one penalty, Commander. See to it. ANDRED: Yes, sir. ANDRED: Commander Andred to all guard leaders. An unidentified capsule is approaching Gallifrey. Any sentient form on board is to be arrested on arrival. If there is no sign of life, destroy capsule as soon as it materialises. [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: Would you like a ball bearing? K9: Please do not mock, master. DOCTOR: Where's Leela? K9: Immersed, master. DOCTOR: What? K9: Totally immersed in H2O, master. DOCTOR: Fine time to take a bath. [SCENE_BREAK] ANDRED: Excuse me, sir. I've decided to supervise the destruction of the capsule personally. KELNER: Yes, of course. Remember, Commander. A sentient who can control a time capsule is a danger. Capture, interrogate ANDRED: I will see that all regulations are observed, sir. [SCENE_BREAK] LEADER: Switch to visual. LEADER: Interesting. He appears to have landed. VARDAN: He may be killed. LEADER: There will be others. [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: Gentlemen, I'm delighted to be back on Gallifrey. DOCTOR: Oh, I like it. Yes, I like you. Where are you from, soldier? GUARD: Gallifrey. DOCTOR: Gallifrey? Never heard of it. Guard of honour? You're a rabble. Nothing but a rabble. You're not fit to guard a jelly baby. (to Andred) Would you like a jelly baby? ANDRED: We're here to arrest you. DOCTOR: Well, let's get on with it. Come on, Leela. Where do you think you're going? LEELA: You just told me to follow you. DOCTOR: You stay here till I send for you. LEELA: But Doctor [SCENE_BREAK] ANDRED: Halt! DOCTOR: Right, you lead. ANDRED: No, you follow me. DOCTOR: Right. DOCTOR: What is it? ANDRED: That's the Chancellor's office. DOCTOR: Well, I know it's the Chancellor's office. ANDRED: Well, no one goes in there unannounced. DOCTOR: Well, announce me. ANDRED: ... All right. [SCENE_BREAK] BORUSA: Yes? ANDRED: Forgive the intrusion, sir. An unexpected emergency has arisen. BORUSA: Doctor! DOCTOR: I am here to claim my legal right. BORUSA: What? DOCTOR: I claim the inheritance of Rassilon. I claim the titles, honour, duty and obedience of all colleges. I claim the Presidency of the Council of Time Lords. [SCENE_BREAK] LEADER: I believe we have chosen well. Very well. [SCENE_BREAK] K9: Where is the Doctor? K9: Speak. (beeps) You are a very stupid machine. [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: You don't dispute my claim, then? BORUSA: No, only the arrogance with which you present it. DOCTOR: Oh, Borusa, how you used to bore me with your interminable lectures on responsibility and duty. BORUSA: Which obviously failed. DOCTOR: Mmm. BORUSA: You make me regret teaching you anything at all. DOCTOR: You taught me nothing. Nothing that instinct couldn't provide better. BORUSA: Then you must trust your instincts. DOCTOR: Mmm. And you yours, Lord Borusa. BORUSA: I'll do what I can to persuade the Cardinals to accept you as their President. DOCTOR: I am the President! No persuasion is necessary. BORUSA: Politeness dictates DOCTOR: I am the President! Is there another candidate legally? BORUSA: No. That was an unfortunate oversight. DOCTOR: Thank you. BORUSA: I meant no disrespect. DOCTOR: Oh yes you did. Borusa, before you go, another lesson. BORUSA: On what particular subject? DOCTOR: The Constitution. BORUSA: You had that at your fingertips last time we met. DOCTOR: Yes, and if I hadn't, you would have killed me. BORUSA: Not I, the then Chancellor. DOCTOR: Oh yes, Did you, did you just assume his Office? BORUSA: The Council ratified my appointment. DOCTOR: Without a President, the Council can ratify nothing. BORUSA: There was no President, and the President-elect was elsewhere. DOCTOR: Yes. But my point is. Borusa! You haven't been give leave to depart yet. BORUSA: And until you have been confirmed and inducted as President, I do not need your leave to do anything. DOCTOR: The ceremony must take place at once. BORUSA: As soon as possible. DOCTOR: At once! [SCENE_BREAK] LEADER: This needs thought. VARDAN: The course is obvious. LEADER: I may reconsider. The Doctor could be more use to us alive. He understands discipline. [SCENE_BREAK] BORUSA: No discipline, that's always been the trouble. KELNER: He understands the dangers? He accepts the risks of induction without the necessary preparations? BORUSA: He accepts nothing. That's always been the trouble with him. No discipline. ANDRED: Forgive me, sirs. The President-elect desires your immediate attendance. BORUSA: Then let him rot in a black star. ANDRED: It is his request, sirs. KELNER: After all, Chancellor, a request is a request. And it's only a matter of time. [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: It's always a matter of time, eh, Castellan? Especially for Time Lords. What do you think about my office? KELNER: Oh, it's simply a formality. DOCTOR: Oh yes, yes, I know that. No, I meant my quarters. You know, room of ones own, somewhere to be. I do so hate squatting. BORUSA: The President's quarters are inadequate. DOCTOR: Correct. Have them refurbished. KELNER: In what style? BORUSA: We are not his lackeys. We are Time Lords of the Supreme Council. I am Chancellor. DOCTOR: Illegally. BORUSA: I am a Cardinal, then. That at least. DOCTOR: Oh, yes, a Cardinal. That at least. [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: Yes, this has possibilities. KELNER: In what style, sir? DOCTOR: Oh, I don't know. Early Quasar Five with a touch of Rega. KELNER: With the merest hint of Simian Empire? DOCTOR: Second dynasty, of course. KELNER: Of course. BORUSA: In short, Earth, twentieth century. DOCTOR: Well I did get used to it. I even liked it at times. KELNER: Now, that's Sol Three, relative dates zero three four one four three nine eight nine DOCTOR: No, no, no. I prefer four three seven zero eleven nine. KELNER: Yes, of course, sir. DOCTOR: Thank you. KELNER: It will, of course, take a little time, sir. DOCTOR: Well that's something we've plenty of, eh, Cardinal? I mean, Chancellor-elect? KELNER: Will that be all, sir? DOCTOR: No. See to my friend, Leela. Make sure she has comfortable quarters and suitable clothes for my induction. She will attend. KELNER: Yes, of course, sir. BORUSA: May I go also, President-elect? DOCTOR: No. We have things to discuss. BORUSA: What things? DOCTOR: Oh, the redecorations, for one. BORUSA: I'm sure the Lord Castellan is quite capable of DOCTOR: Oh yes. Quite. But I'd be so very grateful if you'd help him with the small things. The good Castellan has his flaws, hmm? I mean, his experience hardly extends to Earth zero seven three period. BORUSA: Zero seven three? DOCTOR: Yes, you remember all those marvellous panels, hmm? Very primitive, of course. BORUSA: Yes, I remember. Where would you like them? DOCTOR: Everywhere. BORUSA: Everywhere? DOCTOR: Everywhere. Floor, ceilings, wall, everywhere. BORUSA: But lead? DOCTOR: Shush. BORUSA: It's a very difficult substance to control. DOCTOR: It is. BORUSA: Only a few have mastered the art. DOCTOR: Then more should. Put your best men on it immediately. DOCTOR: Borusa? BORUSA: Yes? DOCTOR: And the door. Everywhere. [SCENE_BREAK] ANDRED: Yes, that looks good. ANDRED: Madam. LEELA: My name is Leela. ANDRED: Leela, we've been through the whole cosmos. May I ask what you would like? LEELA: Well, I would like a quiver, a bow, a pouch of Janis thorns and my knife back. ANDRED: Madam, Leela, I've told you many times that I can't give you your knife. No weapons are allowed here, except for internal security. LEELA: The Doctor said you were to look after me. ANDRED: Yes, those were the President-elect's orders, madam. LEELA: And don't call me madam! ANDRED: I'm sorry! Leela. But I can't give you weapons. LEELA: Then keep your fine clothes and your useless baubles. And keep your President-elect also! [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: What then? BORUSA: Then Gold Usher will formally introduce you to the Matrix. DOCTOR: Ah. Just the Matrix. BORUSA: There is no just about it. The Matrix is the sum total. Everything. All the information that has ever been stored, all the information that can be stored, the imprints of personalities of hundreds of Time Lords and their Presidents, their elected Presidents. That will become available to you. It will become a part of you as you will become a part of it. DOCTOR: Yes, that's what I thought. [SCENE_BREAK] LEADER: Prepare. [SCENE_BREAK] BORUSA: But you know this already. Once before, you have entered into the amplified Panatropic computer. DOCTOR: Yes. I didn't much care for it, either. BORUSA: The APC net is only a small part of the Matrix. DOCTOR: And when I've been introduced to the Matrix, will I have complete power? BORUSA: More power than anyone in the known Universe, yes. DOCTOR: I'll put it to good use. The best. BORUSA: That is your duty. DOCTOR: Oh, yes, quite, quite. [SCENE_BREAK] LEADER: Summon the commanders. VARDAN: Full standby? LEADER: No, not yet. The first phase is nearing completion. [SCENE_BREAK] ANDRED: It is time. LEELA: This ceremony, it does the Doctor much honour? ANDRED: The greatest honour Gallifrey can offer. LEELA: Then I shall not let him down. ANDRED: Leela! LEELA: Are there any duties for me? ANDRED: Duties? LEELA: Yes. Rites I must observe, things to do, things not to do. ANDRED: No, there's nothing for you to do, but, Leela? If you could avoid killing anyone, it would help. LEELA: I will try. [SCENE_BREAK] GOMER: Undue haste is one thing, vulgar bad manners another. I normally take the oath to consider an induction, let alone assemble one. SAVAR: Unsettled times, eh, Gomer? Though still the time will throw up the man. GOMER: They say with time wisdom comes to a man. Aren't you due for regeneration? SAVAR: I believe I have wisdom to fit my years. GOMER: Just so, Lord Savar. Cyclic burst. SAVAR: I beg your pardon? GOMER: The answer may lie in the cyclic burst ratio. SAVAR: A black star protects us. What is a cyclic burst ratio? GOMER: A little study of mine, a hobby. You comprehend hobby? SAVAR: I believe I've come across it, sir, but I fail to understand any significant meaning. GOMER: That does not surprise me. I'm making a study of what I would term wavelength broadcast power transduction. SAVAR: Really. GOMER: Yes. You see, I've noticed lately, well, over the last decade or so, an enormous fluctuation in relative wavelength transduction over a particularly narrow band. GOLD USHER: Honoured members of the Supreme Council, Cardinals, Time Lords, madam. We are here today to honour the will and the wisdom of Rassilon. [SCENE_BREAK] VARDAN: We are near victory. [SCENE_BREAK] GOLD USHER: Is there anyone here to contest the candidate's right to the Sash of Rassilon? GOLD USHER: Is there anyone here to contest the candidate's right to the Rod of Rassilon? GOLD USHER: Is there anyone here to contest the candidate's right to the Great Key of Rassilon? GOLD USHER: By custom, with wisdom, and for honour, I shall strike three times. Should no voice be heard by the third stroke, I will, duty-bound, invest the candidate as President of the Supreme Council of the Time Lords of Gallifrey. [SCENE_BREAK] VARDAN: Now we have them. [SCENE_BREAK] GOLD USHER: It is my duty and privilege, having the consent of the Time Lords of Gallifrey, to invest you as President of the Supreme Council. Accept, therefore, the Sash of Rassilon. GOLD USHER: Accept, therefore, the Rod of Rassilon. GOLD USHER: Seek, therefore, to find the Great Key of Rassilon. [SCENE_BREAK] VARDAN: We have been cheated! LEADER: No, all is exactly as expected. [SCENE_BREAK] GOLD USHER: Do you swear to uphold the laws of Gallifrey? DOCTOR: I swear. GOLD USHER: Do you swear to follow in the wisdom of Rassilon? DOCTOR: I swear. GOLD USHER: Do you swear to protect the law and the wisdom? DOCTOR: I swear. GOLD USHER: I invest you Lord President of the Supreme Council. I wish you good fortune and strength. I give you the Matrix.

The Doctor returns to Gallifrey to become the President of the High Council of Time Lords. But Leela realizes that the Doctor is acting out of character.

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fd_CSI__Crime_Scene_Investigation_02x13_0

[EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) - NIGHT] (Lightning flashes and thunder crashes. It's raining in Nevada tonight.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CAR -- NIGHT] (The driver drives through the rain. There's a small film reel charm hanging from his rear-view mirror. It's a heavy rain outside.) (The driver sees a hitchhiker standing outside the side of the road carrying a sign, "VEGAS". The driver passes him by, slows the car down and thinks about it.) (He reverses the car and stops to pick up the hitch-hiker. PETE WALKER opens the car door and calls out.) Pete Walker: Hey, you need a lift? (The hitchhiker climbs into the car and closes the door.) So, where are you headed? Paul Millander: It's not where I'm headed. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. GOOD SPRINGS - WAREHOUSE -- NIGHT] (Police cars park in the front of the home, their lights flashing. CATHERINE exits the vehicle. She and GRISSOM meet up with the DETECTIVE.) Det.: Welcome to Good Springs. Catherine: Long drive. Det.: Well, I know it's out of your jurisdiction, but your name is on the tape. Grissom: Where is he? Det.: Inside. We left the recorder where we found it. Catherine: Anything else? Det.: Victim's wallet. (The DETECTIVE hands the wallet to CATHERINE. He lifts up the crime scene tape for GRISSOM and CATHERINE.) Grissom: Thank you. (They head into the warehouse.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. GOOD SPRINGS - WAREHOUSE -- NIGHT -- CONTINUOUS] (Inside, the place is empty except for a single bathtub in the center of the large room. GRISSOM and CATHERINE walk to the tub.) Catherine: (reading) Pete Walker, California. Date of birth: August 17, 1957. It's got to be the work of Paul Millander. What do you think brought him back out? Grissom: (looks around) The rain? Catherine: Hasn't changed his M.O .-- Kills men whose birthdays are on the anniversary of his father's murder. Grissom: In descending order -- first victim was August 17, 1959; second victim, August 17, 1958; this guy, 1957. (CATHERINE picks up the micro cassette tape recorder.) Catherine: Ready for this? Grissom: I have a pretty good idea what it's going to say. Pete Walker: (anxiously) (on tape) My name is Pete Walker. I reside at 715 Lady El Sol and I'm 44 years of age. I'm going to kill myself. I'd like to say "I love you" to my mother. I'm so sorry, I never wanted to put you through this. I just can't do it anymore." (On the tape, there's a gunshot.) Paul Millander's Voice: (on tape) Happy... birthday, Mr. Grissom. Catherine: Isn't your birthday in August? Grissom: August 17, 1956. (CATHERINE looks shocked. GRISSOM doesn't.) HARD CUT TO END OF TEASER. ROLL TITLE CREDITS. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. GOOD SPRINGS - WAREHOUSE -- NIGHT] (SARA, NICK and WARRICK walk in and up to GRISSOM and CATHERINE who are already working on the bathtub.) Warrick: Hey. Is it true? Millander? Sara: Yeah, it's true. Gunshot, suicide script leaves the body in a bathtub. (GRISSOM bags the tape recorder.) Grissom: Paul Millander. Remember the first victim? Royce Harmon? (Quick flashback to: Scene from 1X01: Pilot and of ROYCE HARMON in the bathtub.) (Quick flash to: Scene from 1X08: Anonymous and of STUART RAMPLER in the bathtub.) Grissom: (V.O.) Stuart Rampler, second ... (End of flashback. Resume to present.) Grissom: ... and now ... Pete Walker. Sara: Grissom, Catherine briefed us about your birth date. Warrick: Yeah, what's up with that? Grissom: Coincidence. Make anything more of it gives Millander more power than he deserves. Nick: We work together; he can't outsmart all five of us. Grissom: Yes, he can. (CATHERINE looks at GRISSOM.) Catherine: (takes over) Plan of attack -- split up. Nick, take the tape over to A-V. Break it down. Warrick, Sara -- examine the perimeter. We need to know how he got in and got out. We'll stay with the body. (NICK, SARA and WARRICK pick up their kits and leave.) Grissom: (to CATHERINE) Thanks. Catherine: Anytime. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. GOOD SPRINGS - WAREHOUSE -- NIGHT] (SARA walks up to WARRICK.) Sara: Rain washed away everything. What I got will never hold up in court. Warrick: Well, I got some mud prints. Check these out. Sara: This is the point of origin. They stop at the warehouse threshold. Warrick: He must've taken off his boots before he stepped in. Sara: Only one set of prints ... Warrick: Check out the depth of the impression compared to mine. Sara: He carried the body in. The extra weight explains the deeper impression. Warrick: Shoot it. (WARRICK puts a ruler down next to the print and SARA snaps a picture.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. GOOD SPRINGS - WAREHOUSE - NIGHT -- CONTINUOUS] (CATHERINE snaps a photograph.) Grissom: Cath ... Come here, take a look at this. (GRISSOM looks at the body in the bathtub. CATHERINE stands up to see what he wants her to look at.) Grissom: It's not lividity. Catherine: He's got stippling on the side of his face. (Camera close up of the stippling on the skin.) Grissom: From what I can tell, he was shot once in the chest. Unburned gunpowder wouldn't plume this way. Catherine: No entry wounds near his face. Grissom: I'll have Robbins check for leaks. Maybe he can find a hidden bullet. (CATHERINE stands up and walks over to the other side of the body. She finds a strand of hair.) Catherine: Wait ... wait a minute. I got something. (CATHERINE picks it up.) Catherine: Hello, Dolly. Dark hair, 12 inches. Female? Grissom: So another victim ... or an accomplice? [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - A/V LAB -- NIGHT] (NICK and ARCHIE go over the tape recording.) Pete Walker: ( Recorded voice ): My name is Pete Walker. I reside at 715 Lady Del Sol ... Archie Johnson: First things first. This tape was not recorded in the warehouse. No auditory echo. Nick: Contained quarters first. Archie Johnson: Yeah, a car, a small SUV. The tape was an inch from his mouth. Sibilant pops bear that out. Helps that the killer uses hi-fi mini-cassettes. Picks up everything let me get rid of the wipers. (ARCHIE clicks on the keyboard and plays a sound extracted from the main tape. It's a low whirring noise.) Nick: What is that, that whir sound? Archie Johnson: I don't know yet. But ... recognize this? (ARCHIE extracts another sound from the main tape. He plays it. It's a country song.) Nick: Oh, yeah. Willie Hank's "Don't Pay the Ransom." I'll contact the local country and western stations get a time and tape on when the song aired. Establish a timeline. What else? Archie Johnson: Now, here's where it gets funky. Watch my sensor levels. Pete Walker: (on tape) My name is Pete Walker. I reside at ... Archie Johnson: See how the color wands gravitate towards the bottom right corner? Nick: Mm-hmm. Archie Johnson: There's an auditory imbalance. Nick: From what, a blown speaker? Archie Johnson: A blown left speaker. Sounds like the driver's side one blew. Nick: Pulling all of the sound bottom right. Now if that were true the victim may have been sitting in the passenger seat. Archie Johnson: What does that get you? Nick: Millander was driving. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. GOOD SPRINGS - ROADSIDE -- NIGHT] (SARA and WARRICK walk up to BRASS who is holding the "VEGAS" sign.) Sara: I believe hitchhiking is illegal in Clark County. Brass: Yeah, you got me. Came with the car along with the registration. The R.O.'S our vic Pete Walker. Warrick: Who flagged it? Brass: Nevada State Patrol. Sara: So, this is Walker's car. Millander was hitchhiking. Guy stops to do a favor ... ends up dead. Warrick: Yeah, but how would Millander know that the guy who'd pick him up had a birthday August 17, 1957? [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - FORENSIC AUTOPSY -- NIGHT] (ROBBINS goes over the initial findings with GRISSOM. He does a scan on the body and stops over the bullet hole.) Robbins: There's the initial bullet hole. No other leaks. Died from a single gunshot wound to the chest just like the others. Grissom: The others didn't have stippling on the side of their faces. Unburned gunpowder doesn't change direction and stick. (Quick CGI POV of a gun shot in the chest and the gunpowder puffing away from the bullet hole. End of CGI POV. Resume to present.) Grissom: Unless ... he turned his face away from the gun. Robbins: Not likely due to the origin of the facial burn. (Quick flashback to: Stippling adhering to the side of the victim's face. End of flashback. Resume to present. Grissom: Nobody misses from this distance. Robbins: True. Grissom: I think this might be intentional. (Quick flashback to: Scene from 1X08:Anonymous. Inside Halloweird, PAUL MILLANDER shows a sculpture to GRISSOM. Half of the face is normal, the other half is deformed.) Paul Millander: I-I-I call it "good versus evil." (End of flashback. Resume to present.) Grissom: He's telling me he's going to show me both sides. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. PETE WALKER'S CAR -- NIGHT] (SARA and WARRICK examine PETE WALKER'S car.) Warrick: I found some G.S.R. Sara: Nice. (WARRICK takes a sample.) Warrick: That's why Grissom didn't find a bullet. Sara: It went out the window. Warrick: It went out the window. (Quick flashback to: PETE WALKER sitting in his car reading from the script. The window is rolled down. PAUL MILLANDER turns the gun on PETE WALKER and fires.) Pete Walker: I'm so sorry. I never wanted to put you through this. I just can't do it anymore. I've lost hope. (End of flashback. Resume to present.) Warrick: I'm going to call Nick, tell him we found out what that unidentified whir sound was -- the window going down. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - DNA LAB] (Scope view of the hair tag.) Sanders: Your planted hair is full of information. It's got a complete follicular tag. Catherine: Well, the vic had light brown hair so we know it's not his. Grissom: Could be Millander's. (GREG shows CATHERINE the results.) Greg: Well, that's impossible. The amelogenin on the follicle came back xx-- female. Catherine: So, back to that again. Another victim, or an accomplice? Grissom: Yeah, but what decade? Catherine: What do you mean? Grissom: Look under 400-X. The tag cell is aged. (CATHERINE looks at the scope. Scope POV shows the follicular tag.) Catherine: So Millander planted an aged hair? But once exposed, the tag would dry up and fall off, especially in transport. Grissom: Not if he nurtured it. Kept it in a freezer. Greg: That would work. Catherine: Okay, so what's he trying to tell us? That he used to kill women? Grissom: Maybe just one. Catherine: Grounds? Grissom: (shakes his head) I don't know yet. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - GARAGE] (NICK examines PETE WALKER'S car. He checks out the glove compartment, the dash and finds receipts in the front seat divider.) (In the background, someone enters the garage.) Greg: Is this the car the guy was killed in? (NICK is startled by GREG.) Nick: He was killed in the warehouse -- and don't sneak up on a person like that. Greg: Now you know how I feel, like ten times a day. So what's this Millander guy's thing? Nick: He saw his dad killed when he was a kid over some money dispute. Ends up killing guys himself. (On the bottom of the front seat divider, NICK finds a number, 909987-23.) Nick: Check that out. Eight digit number with a dash. Greg: Hmm ... Pep boys receipt? Dry cleaning tags? Nick: Well, whatever it is it happened during the summer. Paper only burns itself into plastic in high levels of heat. Greg: So what kind of paper item would you she into the center console in the heat of summer? Nick: Something you didn't want. Or something you had to keep. (NICK'S pager beeps. He checks it.) Nick: Pow-wow. (NICK gets out of the car and leaves the garage.) Nick: Later. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI -- LAB] (Everyone's in the lab around the table. They're talking about the case. Their voices muted. GRISSOM sits there thinking.) Catherine: (muted) Nevada state patrol found the victim's vehicle here. Found the body in good springs here. Sara: (muffled) Warrick and I found stippling on the passenger side seat back. Warrick: (muffled) We were thinking Millander posed as a hitchhiker overpowered Walker, and then faked a gunshot in the car. (The audio clears when NICK speaks.) Nick: I put a call into three area country and western stations. Got the FCC list ... during the time of the victim's suicide recording KWV had Willie Hank's "Don't Pay the Ransom" playing from 1:47 A.M. To 1:51 A.M. Catherine: And what time was sunrise this morning? Nick: 5:13 A.M. So that's about a three hour window. He was racing daylight. Catherine: So in that time he had to get the recording and get rid of the body. Nick: Made the recording in the car killed him in the warehouse. Warrick: No, he carried him into the warehouse. Nick: Yeah? Sara: Mud prints -- one set in, one set out. (SARA puts the footprint photos on the table. NICK looks at them.) Catherine: Are we sure he didn't kill him in the car? He was shot in the warehouse. He was incapacitated in the car. Sara: Okay, how? (CATHERINE looks at GRISSOM.) Catherine: Grissom, you want to add something to this? Grissom: Yeah. None of it matters. It's one of those few cases where physical evidence isn't helping us much. I mean, put it in context. The victim's birthday is always on the anniversary of the murder of Millander's father. Staged like his father's death. A planted hair, a planted fingerprint ... it's all biographical. He's using the evidence to tell us a story. (BRASS appears in the doorway.) Brass: Hey... Peter Walker, our victim worked for cinema road services in Valencia, California. Drives the newly released film reels back and forth to Vegas. (BRASS walks into the lab and joins them around the table.) Brass: Drops off the new reels every Tuesday for Friday's release. Brings the old one back. Warrick: Drives the same route all the time? Brass: Yeah, according to his mileage log. Sara: Did Walker have any kind of record? Brass: Pretty much a boy scout except for a speeding ticket. Nick: Speeding ticket? How long ago? Brass: July 2, last year. Nick: (nods) Summer. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. - BRASS'S OFFICE] (BRASS does a search for the speeding ticket on the computer.) Nick: 909987-23... [Computer Screen 1: Searched OL DEPARTMENT OF MOTOR VEHICLES, NV Dates searched 01/01/1992 THROUGH 12/20/2001 IDENTIFICATION INFORMATION ON FILE NAME: PETE WALKER DOB: 08/17/1957 ADDRESS: 715 LADY DEL SOL, SANTA CLARITA, CA REMARK/OTHER: DRIVER RECORD SERVICE REPORT FOR CALIFORNIA Report Date: 05/26/01 142227422-000 *** DRIVING RECORD HISTORY *** ] Brass: Pete Walker. Excessive speed. July 2, 2001. Nick: Walker's birth date's on the ticket. August 17, 1957. Grissom: Run the other two vics. Royce Harmon. [Computer Screen 2: STATEWIDE, NV Searched DL DEPARTMENT OF MOTOR VEHICLES, NV Dates searched 01/01/1992 THROUGH 09/20/2001 IDENTIFICATION INFORMATION ON FILE NAME: ROYCE HARMON DOB: 08/17/ .... ADDRESS: 7642 CARPENTER ST. EMPLOYMENT: DINNERS DELIVERED Remark / Other Driver Record Service Report for California ] Catherine: Employment -- Dinners Delivered. Need a car for that. Nick: What about his driving record, Jim? [Computer Screen 3: Type -- Viol/Sus -- Conv/Rei -- Description VIOL -- 10/14/98 - EXCESSIVE SPEED STATUTE: VC DOC#: 1893345 VEH LIC#928A83A9? CT LOC: Nevada Officer on Duty: T. Knoll, NHP. VIOL - 06/14/97 - EXCESSIVE SPEED STATUTE: VC DOC#: 1893345 VEH LIC#:928A83A9 CT LOC: Nevada Officer on Duty: Kevin Yarnell, NHP. SUSP - 08/07/97 - SUSPENDED FAILTURE TO APPEAR NOTICE SERV-TYPE: 1 SERV-DTE: 080598 FILE# MAILED:070898 RETURN UNCLAIMED DRIVER RECORD SERVICE REPORT FO- DEPT 602/03/99 ACTION TERM EFFECTIVE ] Brass: He drove himself right out of a license. Catherine: Try Stuart Rampler. [COMPUTER SCREEN 4: STATEWIDE, NV Searched DL DEPARTMENT OF MOTOR VEHICLES, NV Dates searched 01/01/1992 THROUGH 12/20/2001 IDENTIFICATION INFORMATION ON FILE NAME: STUART RAMPLER DOB: 08/1... ADDRESS: 818 BOEING HILL COURT EMPLOYMENT: TAPFORD PHARMACEUTICALS Remark / Other: Driver Record Service Report For California Report Date: 05/26/01 142227422-000 Computer Screen 5: Type - Viol / Sus - Conv / Rei - Description VIOL - 6/05/00 - EXCESSIVE SPEED STATUTE: VC DOC#: 1893345 VEH LIC#029836274 CT LOC: Nevada Officer on Duty: Kevin Yarnell, NHP. VIOL - 2/11/97 - EXCESSIVE SPEED STATUTE: VC DOC#: 1893345 VEH LIC#029836274 CT LOC: Nevada Officer on Duty: N. Phillips, NHP. VIOL - 10/03/91 - BASIC SPEED LAW STATUTE: VC DOC#: 1893345 VEH LIC#029836274 ] Nick: There's a few tickets. Brass: Last violation -- excessive speed, June, 2000. Grissom: So what's the commonality? Catherine: Besides birth dates. Brass: Beside birth dates ... [COMPUTER SCREEN 6: Box 1: NAME: PETE WALKER DOB: 08/17/1957 ADDRESS: VIOL 07/02/01 - EXCESSIVE SPEED Officer on Duty: Kevin Yarnell, NHP Box 2: NAME: ROYCE HARMON DOB: 08/17/58 ADDRESS: VIOL ??? - EXCESSIVE SPEED Officer on Duty: Kevin Yarnell, NHP Box 3: NAME: STUART RAMPLER DOB: 08/17/59 ADDRESS: VIOL 06/05/00 - EXCESSIVE SPEED Officer on Duty: Kevin Yarnell, NHP Brass: All the tickets were written by the same cop. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) - DAY] [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT -- DAY] (GRISSOM and CATHERINE question OFFICER KEVIN YARNELL.) Grissom: Excuse me. Officer Yarnell? Officer Kevin Yarnell: Yeah. Grissom: My name's Gil Grissom, with the Las Vegas Crime Lab. May I ask you how many speeding tickets you issue a day? Officer Kevin Yarnell: Why is it any business of yours? Grissom: You wrote tickets to three people who ended up dead. Officer Kevin Yarnell: You think I had something to do with it? Look, I'm a good cop. I protect and serve. I even go to court on my days off. Catherine: You mean court dates for speeding tickets? Officer Yarnell: Yeah. Sometimes, believe it or not, people actually contest them and I'm there fighting it tooth and nail. Grissom: Court. Officer Yarnell: Yeah. In fact, I just responded to a challenge this morning. Catherine: Always the same judge? Officer Yarnell: No, there's three traffic court judges. Session's about to start. Why don't you go bother them. (GRISSOM and CATHERINE leave.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. JUDGE MASON'S COURTROOM -- DAY] Bailiff: All rise. Honorable Judge Douglas Mason presiding ... Municipal Court, City of Mulberry, State of Nevada. (Behind the BALIFF, the Judge enters the room and makes his way to his chair.) (GRISSOM watches as he looks up at the JUDGE and instantly recognizes him.) (The JUDGE looks up. It's PAUL MILLANDER.) (Quick flashback to: Scenes from 1X08: Anonymous. Flash of PAUL MILLANDER; Flash of PAUL MILLADER at Halloweird; and Flash of PAUL MILLANDER waving to the security camera at CSI. End of flashback. Resume to present.) (GRISSOM is completely surprised. JUDGE DOUGLAS MASON looks up from the bench.) Judge Douglas Mason (aka Paul Millander): You may be seated. (CATHERINE and everyone sits. GRISSOM doesn't move. He stares at JUDGE MASON.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. JUDGE MASON'S COURTROOM] (GRISSOM stands in the middle of the courtroom staring at JUDGE DOUGLAS MASON. Everyone waits for GRISSOM to take his seat. They all stare at him. CATHERINE looks at GRISSOM'S odd reaction with confusion.) Catherine: Gil. (Without taking his eyes off of JUDGE DOUGLAS MASON, GRISSOM removes his ID and makes his way to the officer standing off to the side.) (He shows his ID to the officer.) Grissom: Excuse me, Officer. I'm with the Las Vegas Crime Lab. I need you to arrest a murder suspect. Court Room Officer: Where's the suspect? Grissom: Judge Mason. His real name is Paul Millander. Court Room Officer: You don't want to do this. Judge Douglas Mason (Paul Millander): (to GRISSOM) Sir, please take a seat. Grissom: Officer, this man is not who he's pretending to be. Judge Douglas Mason (Paul Millander): Take a seat now or I'll have you removed from this courtroom and charged with contempt. Grissom: He's wanted in Clark County for murder. Judge Douglas Mason (Paul Millander): You are now in contempt of court. Bailiff? Officer: Come on. (The OFFICER leads GRISSOM out of the Courtroom. CATHERINE stands up to follow. JUDGE MASON stops her.) Judge Douglas Mason (Paul Millander): I apologize for the disruption. Let's proceed. (to CATHERINE) You may be seated, Miss. You can leave this court when it has concluded its business. Or find yourself in contempt along with your friend. (CATHERINE watches JUDGE MASON. She turns around and heads back to her seat.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. JAIL CELL - DAY] (GRISSOM sits on the bed in the cell ... thinking. JUDGE DOUGLAS MASON walks up to the cell. GRISSOM turns to look at him.) Judge Douglas Mason (Paul Millander): Where are you from? Grissom: You know where I'm from ... and I know who you are. Judge Douglas Mason (Paul Millander): I'm not who you think I am. Local police have been out here twice this past year about this man -- Paul Millander, is it? Every time his story's in the paper. I've heard I look like him. Grissom: Identical. Judge Douglas Mason (Paul Millander): You've heard of the doppelganger syndrome? Grissom: That every person is supposed to have an exact double somewhere in the world? Judge Douglas Mason (Paul Millander): Do you believe in it? Grissom: Never been proved. Judge Douglas Mason (Paul Millander): A swiss neurobiologist recently published papers supporting its viability. Brugger, I think his name is. Stands to reason this Millander is my doppelganger. The monkey wrench for you is that we're both here in the State of Nevada. (GRISSOM stands up.) (JUDGE MASON grabs a-hold of the cell bar and leans in.) Grissom: Well, you know, we could always do a DNA test. Judge Douglas Mason (Paul Millander): You know, if you keep that up people are going to start calling you crazy. Guard. (The jail cell door opens. JUDGE MASON hands GRISSOM back his things and ID.) Judge Douglas Mason (Paul Millander): I trust you won't go near my courtroom again. (JUDGE MASON turns to leave.) Judge Douglas Mason (Paul Millander): Before you go back to Las Vegas why don't you come to dinner. I tell my wife stories about my day and this one she may need to hear in person. Six o'clock. (He gives GRISSOM a slip of paper.) That's my address. We live right here in Mulberry. (The JUDGE leaves.) (GRISSOM eyes the cell bar as he puts his jacket on. CATHERINE appears.) Catherine: Any chance he's got a twin? Grissom: A doppelganger, evidently. Do you have your mentholatum? Catherine: Why, you getting a cold? Grissom: No. The judge just got sloppy. (CATHERINE hands GRISSOM the container.) Thanks. (GRISSOM opens the container and fumes the bar. Fingerprints appear.) Catherine: Ah, fuming. (CATHERINE pulls out a tape.) I'll lift it and get it to the lab. Grissom: Go ahead and take the Tahoe. Call me later. I'm going to dinner. (As CATHERINE takes the prints, GRISSOM caps the container and walks out of the cell.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - DNA LAB] (SARA walks into the lab.) Sara: Greg, did you look at the female hair from the crime scene tub? Greg: When you say "jump I say "how high?" I found testosterone in female hair. Post pubescent female hair. Sara: Well, men and women both have testosterone in their systems. No big deal, right? Greg: Well, this is. This testosterone's endogenous. Sara: What? What do you mean? Like outside the body? Greg: Injections. Supplements. (SARA looks at the results.) Sara: So our mystery lady was trying to enhance her athletic performance? Greg: Or increase her s*x drive. (beat) You know women do that. I read. None that I've ever met. Sara: Not yet anyway. Okay, I'm not sure what this means yet, but thanks. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. MASON'S RESIDENCE -- NIGHT] (GRISSOM gets out of the darkened police car. He double checks the address with the slip of paper. He approaches the house.) [PORCH OUTSIDE FRONT DOOR - NIGHT -- CONTINUOUS] (GRISSOM rings the doorbell. As he waits for an answer, he looks down and sees the boots. He picks up the boots for a better look. The door opens and a woman answers.) Mrs. Mason: Mr. Grissom? Grissom: I was admiring these rain boots. (GRISSOM puts the boots down.) Mrs. Mason: Please come in. (GRISSOM walks in.) [INT. MASON'S RESIDENCE - NIGHT -- CONTINUOUS] (He turns around.) Grissom: You have a lovely home. Mrs. Mason: We like it. Grissom: May I ask how long you've lived here? Mrs. Mason: We bought the year we adopted Craig, so that would be '92. (She turns to look at the little boy in the living room.) Mrs. Mason: Craig, what did I tell you you had to do when our dinner guest arrived? Craig Mason: Hi, I'm Craig Mason. Nice to meet you. Grissom: Nice to meet you, Craig. Craig Mason: Want an I.D. Tag for safety? (DOUGLAS MASON appears behind GRISSOM.) Mrs. Mason: (explains) Craig's school is sponsoring an identification program for students. Parents get one, too. Paul Millander (Judge Mason): Can't be too safe out there, can we, Mr. Grissom? (GRISSOM turns around.) Grissom: No, we can't. Paul Millander (Judge Mason): Hungry? SHORT TIME CUT TO: [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. MASON RESIDENCE - KITCHEN -- NIGHT] (Everyone is sitting at the dinner table finishing up dinner.) Mrs. Mason: That reminds me, Doug. Be sure to tell Mr. Grissom where you bought your rain boots. He was admiring them earlier. Paul Millander (Judge Mason): Was he? Mrs. Mason: My husband's only hobby is driving around the state looking for bargains, rain or shine. And I tell him, "you're a Judge now. We don't need bargains." Paul Millander (Judge Mason): To which I reply, "old habits die hard." Mrs. Mason: Truth is, I think he just enjoys his private time. Paul Millander (Judge Mason): Dear. As a Judge, I don't want the outside world privy to my private life because they'll use it against me. (A camera flashes in GRISSOM'S face. CRAIG MASON pulls the polaroid picture from the camera and puts it next to his dinner plate on the table.) Craig Mason: You'll be safe now. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI -- PRINT LAB - NIGHT] (CATHERINE runs the print taken from JUDGE MASON on the database.) (The computer finds a match.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. MASON RESIDENCE - KITCHEN -- NIGHT] (GRISSOM'S phone rings and steps away from the table when he answers it.) Grissom: Excuse me. I'm sorry. (on phone) Grissom. INTERCUT WITH: Catherine: You're never going to believe who Judge Mason's fingerprints match. Judge Mason. As printed when he was sworn before the bar Nevada State Superior Court. Grissom: Okay. Thank you. (GRISSOM hangs up. He turns around.) Paul Millander (Judge Douglas Mason): My prints came back sound. (GRISSOM looks surprised.) Mrs. Mason: Douglas? Paul Millander (Judge Douglas Mason): As I told you earlier, dear, Mr. Grissom has confused me with a very bad man. I left him fingerprints so that he could confirm that I am who I say I am. Grissom: Uh, I have to get back to my lab right away. I'm sorry. Thank you for a lovely dinner, Mrs. Mason. (DOUGLAS MASON stands.) Grissom: Craig ... your honor. (CRAIG MASON looks down at the photograph next to his plate. Camera holds on the photograph as it develops into a picture of GRISSOM.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - HALLWAY] (GRISSOM walks through the hallway with CATHERINE.) Grissom: I don't care what the computer says, that guy is Paul Millander. Catherine: Yeah, we know that. How do we prove it? Grissom: We have to disprove this Judge Mason. Birth certificate -- was he born in Mulberry? Catherine: Well, that's the first thing Brass looked into. Apparently, the records building burned down in 1982. Grissom: Burned down? Catherine: Ruled arson. No suspects ever found. Grissom: So Judge Mason has no birth certificate. How convenient. Man, this guy plays way out in front. Catherine: Here's some good news. Brass went to the new records building looking for anything on a Millander. Found current property-tax accounts. (CATHERINE hands the file to GRISSOM.) Grissom: (reading) In the name of Paul and Isabelle Millander. Catherine: Mm-hmm. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. MILLANDER RESIDENCE - NIGHT] (GRISSOM and CATHERINE knock on the door. The door opens.) Catherine: Isabelle Millander? (The woman nods.) Grissom: We're with the Las Vegas crime lab. Isabelle Millander: Are you here about my husband? That happened over thirty years ago. Catherine: It's our understanding that your child witnessed your husband's murder. (ISABELLE MILLANDER steps aside. CATHERINE and GRISSOM walk into the house.) [INT. MILLANDER RESIDENCE - LIVING ROOM - NIGHT -- CONTINUOUS] (ISABELLE MILLANDER closes the door.) Catherine: Thank you. Isabelle Millander: My child was only ten years old. So brave to testify against those men. But it didn't matter. The Judge ruled it a suicide and those men went free. Catherine: I hope we're not interrupting. It looks as if you're expecting someone for dinner. Isabelle Millander: I always set an extra place for Paul. Grissom: Your son? Isabelle Millander: My husband. My way of being together. (GRISSOM turns and looks at some pictures on the table.) Isabelle Millander: Those are from his best years. He started a company out in Hollywood in the 1930s. (Cut to: Camera close up of the building shop name: Halloweird.) (Quick flashback to: Scene from 1X01: Pilot. GRISSOM walks through Halloweird, PAUL MILLANDER walks behind him.) Grissom: (V.O.) Halloweird. (End of flashback. Resume to present.) Isabelle Millander: Movie makeup. He used himself as a model. (Quick flashback to: Scene from 1X01: Pilot. GRISSOM holds up a rubber hand.) Isabelle Millander: (V.O.) He made hand molds and masks, everything. Like a one-man company. (End of flashback. Resume to present.) Catherine: May I use your bathroom? Isabelle Millander: Last door down the hall. Catherine: Thank you. (CATHERINE leaves the room.) Grissom: Would you happen to have any of his work still? Isabelle Millander: I kept only what's most sentimental. Grissom: Might I take a look at it? [SCENE_BREAK] (CATHERINE walks down the hallway. She opens a closed door to a bedroom. She walks out and opens the closed door at the end of the hallway to the bathroom. She closes the bathroom door and opens a third closed door to a pink little girl's room.) (CATHERINE takes off her hat and looks around. She looks at the picture on the wall and a name plate for "PAULINE".) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. MILLANDER RESIDENCE - LIVING ROOM - NIGHT -- CONTINUOUS] (ISABELLE MILLANDER unwraps a hand mold and shows it to GRISSOM.) Grissom: Hmm, it's rudimentary. Almost childlike. Isabelle Millander: Our child made it. Grissom: It's an ashtray? Isabelle Millander: My husband used his own hand to imprint the center. (GRISSOM thinks.) Grissom: May I? (ISABELLE MILLANDER hesitates, but doesn't say anything. GRISSOM looks at the hand mold.) (Quick camera zooms in to show a green substance at the tip of the finger impression of the mold. End of camera zoom.) Grissom: I wonder what this green discoloration is. Isabelle Millander: I was often curious about that. Grissom: I could take this back to the lab and analyze it. I promise to bring it back. (ISABELLE MILLANDER consents.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. MILLANDER RESIDENCE - PAULINE'S BEDROOM - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS] (CATHERINE looks around the bedroom. She opens the top drawer and looks inside. Underneath the little girl dresses, she finds a stack of baseball cards.) (She closes the dresser drawer. She walks to the closet and opens it. She turns on the closet light and looks through the clothes on the hangers. On the clothes, she finds a strand of hair. She picks it up.) Isabelle Millander: (from the doorway) What are you doing in my daughter's room? (CATHERINE turns around and looks at ISABELLE MILLANDER. She smiles at being caught.) Catherine: Oh ... I have a daughter myself. I was admiring the old clothes. (GRISSOM appears in the doorway.) Catherine: (indicating the photo on the wall) She's beautiful. (ISABELLE MILLANDER turns to look at the photo.) Isabelle Millander: She died. Catherine: (sadly) I'm sorry. Grissom: When did she die? Isabelle Millander: A long time ago. A lifetime ago. Grissom: What about your son Paul? Isabelle Millander: I think it's time for you to go now. Catherine: Mrs. Millander we're just trying to clarify ... Isabelle Millander: (upset) Please? (CATHERINE walks toward the door. GRISSOM turns to the hallway.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. MILLANDER RESIDENCE - FRONT WALK - NIGHT] (CATHERINE and GRISSOM leave the house.) Catherine: So, Paul Millander killed his sister. Grissom: It's plausible. It's not provable ... yet. [SCENE_BREAK] [CONTAINER POV] (Camera close up of green goo being poured into a container.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - DNA LAB] (GRISSOM lifts the green goo from the mold. He examines it closely.) Greg: No, you were right. The substance is microcil-like but it's really old-school-- alginate. The book says that, uh ... makeup people used it up to the '70s to make molds and impressions. It's green, hence the "algin" in "alginate." (Quick flashback to: Scene from: 1X01: Pilot. In Halloweird, GRISSOM looks at the rubber hand and listens to PAUL MILLANDER explain about the mold.) Paul Millander: We sold 10,000 of those units last Halloween. Even used my own hand for the mold. (End of flashback. Resume to present.) Grissom: These were his father's prints. He was planting them as if they were his own. (Quick flashback to: PAUL MILLANDER standing in the warehouse over the tub and placing a print on the tape recorder. The tip of his finger is green.) Greg: (V.O.) The guy's pretty shrewd. (End of flashback. Resume to present.) Greg: Every murder comes back to a dead man. Grissom: Greg, if I refer to Millander as smart, it's one thing but I mind if other people do it, okay? Greg: (nods) Got it. Grissom: What have you got on the hair Catherine recovered? Greg: Processing it next, sir. Grissom: Find me. (GRISSOM takes off the latex gloves and leaves the lab.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - PRINT LAB -- CONTINUOUS] (GRISSOM walks into the lab to check with CATHERINE.) Grissom: Did I miss something? Catherine: It's a kid's fingerprint from the baseball card. Grissom: Clear ... concise ... anonymous. Catherine: Brass found no prints from little Pauline no birth records, no death certificate. I'm going to use the prints from the only other kid who lived in the Millander house. Grissom: Here come de Judge. (The computer shows a comparison match.) Catherine: Ridge analysis proof. Judge Mason is ... Grissom: ... Paul Millander. (GRISSOM'S pager beeps. He checks it.) Grissom: It's ... it's Greg. (GRISSOM turns around to look at the DNA lab.) Grissom: (to CATHERINE) Come on. (GRISSOM heads back to the DNA lab. CATHERINE follows.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - DNA LAB - CONTINUOUS] (GRISSOM and CATHERINE walk into the lab. SARA is already there with GREG.) Greg: Okay. The hair you found in Pauline Millander's bedroom two x chromosomes-- female. Grissom: You didn't beep me for that. Greg: Well, Sara had me compare it to the hair found in the tub at the crime scene. They're a perfect match. (beat) DNA identical. Catherine: So her brother planted it? (GREG looks at SARA.) Greg: Well ... not exactly. Sara: Yeah, he planted it. He planted his own hair. Catherine: Millander. It's a female hair. Sara: With endogenous testosterone. Pauline was taking male hormone injections. (GRISSOM looks at the test results.) Grissom: Why? Sara: My theory? s*x change. Catherine: You know, when I was back at the house I saw several photographs of Pauline and nothing of Paul. In fact, the only proof of Paul is a hidden baseball card. Sara: There is no birth or death record for Pauline. Grissom: Paul killed Pauline. But he didn't murder her. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. MILLANDER RESIDENCE - LIVING ROOM -- NIGHT] (Camera opens on the dining room table set for two.) Grissom: So that's what you've been hiding? That your daughter is now your son? Isabelle Millander: Pauline went away and came back a very strange man. (Quick flashback to: PAULINE MILLANDER walking into the elevator carrying a yellow suitcase. The elevator doors open and a young PAUL MILLANDER in a wheelchair is wheeled out of the hospital carrying a yellow suitcase. End of flashback. Resume to present.) Isabelle Millander: And I wouldn't let him stay here -- not like that. Grissom: Mrs. Millander, we believe that your son has murdered three people and that he's living under the assumed name of Judge Douglas Mason. I need your permission to collect some hairs from Pauline's bedroom for use in court. (ISABELLE MILLANDER looks at GRISSOM.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - INTERVIEW ROOM] (GRISSOM questions PAUL MILLANDER. They both sit at opposite ends of the table.) Grissom: We took this hair from your childhood bedroom when you used to be Pauline. Paul Millander (Judge Douglas Mason): They told my parents I had an "endocrinic ambiguity." My chromosomes said female, but my body wasn't that sure. The doctors told my parents to raise me as they saw fit. Unfortunately, they disagreed. Grissom: So, uh ... you were a girl when you were inside the house and a boy when you were out in the world? Paul Millander (Judge Douglas Mason): I managed. Until ... that night. (Quick flashback to: PAULINE looks out from a crack in her bedroom door. She sees her father thrown into the bath tub and hears a gunshot fired. She watches as two men leave. End of flashback. Resume to present.) Paul Millander (Judge Mason): (upset) A boy ... could have saved his father. Grissom: You did what you could do. You testified against them. (Quick flashback to: PAULINE MILLANDER up on the courtroom stand.) Lawyer: Do you see the man who killed your father in this courtroom? (PAULINE stutters and struggles to get the answer out. End of flashback. Resume to present.) Paul Millander (Judge Mason): (stuttering) Y ... yes. (GRISSOM watches in surprise. PAUL MILLANDER sits back in his chair and looks at GRISSOM.) Paul Millander (Judge Mason): They went free. Grissom: And you started to identify with the aggressors. (PAUL MILLANDER looks at GRISSOM and smiles proudly.) Grissom: Why are you smiling? Paul Millander (Judge Douglas Mason): I am ... comfortable sharing this with you. My, uh ... my mother wouldn't hear it. Against her wishes, I cut off my hair. Started wearing big shirts. Big boots. If I got tough enough ... no one would ever hurt me. I went to the clinic ... and became a man. Grissom: Sexual reassignment. Not just a man, though-- a Judge. Doesn't get much more powerful than that (PAUL MILLANDER sighs.) Grissom: But none of it solved your problems, did it? Or else you wouldn't have killed three innocent men. (PAUL MILLANDER doesn't respond. GRISSOM stands up and carries the warrant to PAUL MILLANDER. He puts it on the table in front of him and takes out a swab.) Grissom: I have a warrant for your DNA. Paul Millander: Identity is so fluid, you know. (Holds out his hand for the swab.) Paul Millander: May I? (GRISSOM hands the swab to PAUL MILLANDER. PAUL MILLANDER takes the sample and caps the swab. He hands it back to GRISSOM.) Grissom: See you in court. (GRISSOM heads back to his seat to get his things.) Paul Millander (Judge Douglas Mason): Aren't you wondering about your birthday? August 17, 1956. Grissom: No. (GRISSOM picks up his things and heads for the door.) Paul Millander (Judge Douglas Mason): Why I didn't kill you, since you were next? Grissom: No. (GRISSOM opens the door.) Paul Millander (Judge Douglas Mason): I've already picked my next victim, if you're curious. (GRISSOM turns around and looks at PAUL MILLANDER.) Grissom: It doesn't matter, Paul -- you'll be in jail. (PAUL MILLANDER smiles. As GRISSOM walks out he signals the guard. The guard walks into the room.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) - EVENING] [EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) - NIGHT] [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. COURTROOM -- NIGHT] Bailiff: Next up, People V. Landry. Are all the parties present? (GRISSOM walks up to CATHERINE who is speaking with the prosecutor.) Grissom: What is going on? I thought Millander was supposed to be arraigned at Catherine: Oh, this is just ridiculous. I mean, you'd think they'd make an exception in this case -- three murders. This guy's telling me that Millander is representing himself. Pro pers are always last on the docket. (This concerns GRISSOM. He walks out of the courtroom. CATHERINE watches GRISSOM leave.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. - HALLWAY -- NIGHT] (GRISSOM walks through the hallway. He shows his ID to the guard and continues to walk through the hallway. He seems to know where he's going.) (GRISSOM opens the door to the room and looks inside. On the chair in the small room is the red prison clothing and a cut ID wrist band. GRISSOM picks up the wrist band.) (CATHERINE enters the room behind GRISSOM. He shows her the wrist band and levels her with a look. PAUL MILLANDER is gone.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - A/V LAB - NIGHT] (GRISSOM goes over the security camera video. BRASS stands behind GRISSOM and looks at the video over his shoulder.) Brass: A clean-cut guy in a suit -- no one looks too close. He must have got a fake I.D. Grissom: He had my I.D. (Quick series of flashback to: PAUL MILLANDER copying GRISSOM'S ID badge. He smiles as he takes it off of the machine.) (Cut to: The polaroid picture of GRISSOM taken by CRAIG MASON at dinner on the table among the other badge making pictures. PAUL MILLANDER cutting out his picture from his own "School Safety ID".) (Cut to: PAUL MILLANDER walking through the front security door and showing the officer his badge which reads: ) (Picture of PAUL MILLANDER on the left with "C.S.I.", "Level 3". [On the right: LAS VEGAS POLICE DEPARTMENT CLARK COUNTY, NEVADA Gil Grissom: PN 8690 EYES BRN / WEIGHT HAIR BRN / HEIGHT ] (Cut to: PAUL MILLANDER looks up at the security camera and just as he did back in 1X08: Anonymous, he salutes to the video camera and walks out.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI -- HALLWAY] (CATHERINE catches up with GRISSOM as he's on his way out.) Catherine: You going home? Grissom: Yeah. They know where to find me. Catherine: I re-read the backgrounds of Millander's victims. I think that he slipped up. You know how every victim read the suicide note "I'd like to say 'I love you' to my mother"? Well, Pete Walker had no mother. (beat) She died in childbirth. (With this information, GRISSOM thinks.) Grissom: He never slips up. (GRISSOM starts for the door, gaining speed with every step.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT./INT. MILLANDER'S RESIDENCE - NIGHT] (GRISSOM walks up the front walkway. It's quiet inside. His gun in his hand.) (He pushes the door open and enters the darkened foyer.) (The door closes behind him. GRISSOM turns on the flashlight. He takes a couple of steps forward and turns to look in the Dining Room. ISABELLE MILLANDER is sitting at the Dining Room Table with her back facing GRISSOM.) Grissom: Mrs. Millander? (She doesn't respond. GRISSOM walks up to her and sees the knife in her abdomen. The food in front of her is untouched.) (GRISSOM turns and continues to look through the rest of the dark house.) (He walks down the hallway toward the open bathroom door. He pauses briefly in front of PAULINE'S bedroom, but doesn't go inside. He continues toward the bathroom.) (He pushes the door open and finds PAUL MILLANDER dead in the bathtub, a tape recorder left behind.) (GRISSOM turns the tape recorder on.) Paul Millander: My name is Paul Millander. I reside at 13891 Sand Creek Road. I'm 46 years of age and I'm going to kill myself. I'd like to say "I love you" to my mother, Isabelle. (On the bathroom floor next to the tub is a piece of folded paper. GRISSOM picks it up.) [It a birth certificate. It reads: LINCOLN COUNTY, NEVADA DEPARTMENT OF HEALTH BUREAU OF VITAL RECORDS CERTIFICATION OF BIRTH DATE OF BIRTH: AUG 17, 1956 TIME OF BIRTH: 4155 PM CERTIFICATE NO.: 158-60-1443 DATE ??? 08-20-56 DATE ??? 08- NAME PAULINE PAUL MILLANDER s*x: FEMALE MOTHER'S NAME: ISABELLE MILLANDER FATHER'S NAME: PAUL MILLANDER Paul Millander: (on tape) I'm so sorry. I never wanted to put you through this. I just can't do it anymore. I've lost hope. (The gun fires.) (GRISSOM flinches when he hears the gunshot. He turns his head incredibly saddened by it all.)

Grissom's nemesis, serial killer Paul Millander (Matt O'Toole), reappears and claims a third victim in this gripping episode. The latest slaying matches Millander's previous killings in that it recreates his father's murder, which Millander witnessed as a boy. In each case, the victim is shot once through the chest while lying in a bathtub. A nearby tape recorder contains the person's supposed suicide message. All three victims share the same birthday of Aug. 17---the date Millander's father was slain---with the years in descending order from 1959. So presumably, the killer's next target was born Aug. 17, 1956...which just happens to be Grissom's birthday.

fd_Doctor_Who_1963_24x05

fd_Doctor_Who_1963_24x05_0

PARADISE TOWERS PART ONE Run time: 24:33 [SCENE_BREAK] 1. INT. STREET [SCENE_BREAK] (Rubbish litters the street and graffiti covers the walls. The sound of the mocking chants of the Red Kangs can be heard. A lone Yellow Kang runs down the street and comes to a halt in a doorway. She crouches under the graffiti of Yellow Kang being menaced by a claw.) [SCENE_BREAK] 2. INT. TARDIS. CONSOLE ROOM [SCENE_BREAK] (The Doctor is leaning on the console. His hat is on the time column. Mel is standing by the scanner screen watching a video brochure.) MEL: Look, Doctor, look. There's the swimming pool, right at the very top of the building. Oh it's wonderful. I can't wait for a dip in that. Paradise Towers here we come. THE DOCTOR: That's the problem with young people today, no spirit of adventure. [SCENE_BREAK] 3. INT. SQUARE [SCENE_BREAK] (The Square is a full of rubbish. The sound of the Red Kang chanting echoes off the walls.) [SCENE_BREAK] 4. INT. STREET [SCENE_BREAK] (The Lone Yellow Kang remains crouched in a doorway. The voices of the Red Kang can be heard calling down the street.) FIRE ESCAPE: It's no go. Leave her for another day. Cowardly cutlet. BIN LINER: Leave her for the cleaners. (They laugh mockingly and then disappear. There is silence briefly. The Yellow Kang relaxes, displaying a smile. The silence is interrupted by a whirring sound. The Yellow Kang looks up horrified as a shadow falls over her. She lets out a loud scream.) [SCENE_BREAK] 5. INT. TARDIS CONSOLE ROOM [SCENE_BREAK] (The Doctor moves around the console.) THE DOCTOR: I think that's enough of that, Mel. (The Doctor closes the scanner screen.) MEL: Why' It's great. THE DOCTOR: Well if you want to stay here watching a guide book when you could actually be enjoying the real thing, that's up to you. MEL: You mean we're nearly there' THE DOCTOR: Paradise Towers any second now. MEL: Fantastic. (Mel joins the Doctor at the console.) THE DOCTOR: You might want to lie by the pool doing nothing all day, I intend to explore. Paradise Towers is supposed to be a remarkable architectural achievement I'm told. Won all sorts of awards way back in the 23rd century. Are you ready' MEL: Ready' I can't wait. [SCENE_BREAK] 6. INT. SQUARE [SCENE_BREAK] (The TARDIS materialises in the rubbish strewn square.) [SCENE_BREAK] 7. INT. TARDIS. CONSOLE ROOM [SCENE_BREAK] THE DOCTOR: Well, here we are. (The Doctor opens the doors and Mel exits the room. The Doctor reaches for his hat that sits on the console and gets his umbrella from the hat stand. He follows Mel out of the door.) [SCENE_BREAK] 8. INT. SQUARE [SCENE_BREAK] (Mel and the Doctor step from the TARDIS into the Square that is filled with various pieces of rubbish like cardboard boxes.) MEL: Oh no. (The Doctor kicks over a box to reveal a rat. Mel lets out a shocked gasp. The rat runs off into the shadows.) THE DOCTOR: Very intelligent little creatures. Oh, look at this. (He points to the Robotic Cleaner stencil on the wall) Oh, and this. MEL: It's just rubbish. THE DOCTOR: Nothing's just rubbish if you have an enquiring mind. (He doffs his hat to a bizarre metal shape) Hello. MEL: No, Doctor. THE DOCTOR: Well you never can tell. (He throws aside the rubbish he is holding and walks off to explore) MEL: You don't happen to know another planet with a swimming pool do you' THE DOCTOR: Oh why did I have to jettison the pool from the TARDIS' MEL: Well it was leaking. THE DOCTOR: There's a rather spectacular swimming pool on the planet Griophos, I understand. MEL: Oh, we could try there. THE DOCTOR: Just one snag. MEL: What's that' THE DOCTOR: It's for the exclusive use of the Golmaree's (sic). MEL: Who are they' THE DOCTOR: A rather nasty breed of flesh eating octopi. (Mel grimaces) Personally I'd rather stay here and explore. I wonder what happened. MEL: It's seen better days, that's what's happened. Still, now that we're here, I suppose I might as well see what the pool's like. THE DOCTOR: That's the spirit. This could be fascinating. Are you coming' MEL: Yes but just one thing, Doctor. If anything goes wrong and we get separated, we meet at the pool, alright' THE DOCTOR: Oh very well. But we've only just arrived, there's no need to start worry yet. (An arrow flies passed his cheek and embeds itself in the wall. The Doctor and Mel look in the direction from where it came.) [SCENE_BREAK] 9. INT. STREET [SCENE_BREAK] (A lone Young Caretaker makes his way down a street. It is gloomily lit from above and by up lighters attached to the walls. The walls are similar to everywhere else in the towers in that they are covered with Graffiti. The Caretaker is holding in his right hand a radio transmitter to his mouth and talking to the Chief Caretaker.) YOUNG CARETAKER: Caretaker number 345/12 subsection 3 reporting. I am proceeding along Potassium Street, corridor 5673, section 201, opposite door 782 on floor 35, north side, over. CHIEF CARETAKER: This is the Chief Caretaker speaking; we are receiving you, Caretaker number 345 /12 subsection 3. Make your report. YOUNG CARETAKER: Considerable evidence of multi-coloured wall-scrawl all along this part of street. Wall-Scrawlers obviously active here, over. CHIEF CARETAKER: Return noted. Proceed now to report on corridor 5673, section 301. YOUNG CARETAKER: Very good, Chief. (The Young Caretaker then continues along the corridor but stops when he notices something at his feet. He bends down and picks up the rags of a yellow piece of material previously worn by the Yellow Kang. He brings the radio transmitter back to his mouth to speak.) YOUNG CARETAKER: Caretaker number 345/12 subsection 3 reporting. Hi' Hi' CHIEF CARETAKER: This is the Chief Caretaker speaking; we are receiving you, Caretaker number 345 /12 subsection 3. You are to proceed to section 301, what's the matter' YOUNG CARETAKER: Hi. I'm scared, Chief. (Pausing, he looks around him anxiously.) [SCENE_BREAK] 10. INT. SQUARE [SCENE_BREAK] (Mel and the Doctor are standing in the square being held captive by a gang of Red Kangs. They are all young girls, all dressed in scruffy red clothing and holding futuristic yet primitive weapons designed to fire arrows. They all have red hair dye in their hair.) THE DOCTOR: At least tell us who you are. FIRE ESCAPE: We're the Kangs. Red Kangs are best. Who's best' RED KANGS: Red Kangs. Red Kangs. Red Kangs are best. BIN LINER: So who's best' THE DOCTOR: The Red Kangs I gather. There are other coloured Kangs' BIN LINER: Yeah, the Blue Kangs but they're... RED KANGS: ...Cowardly Cutlets. FIRE ESCAPE: And the Yellows but they're only one now. THE DOCTOR: Why's that' BIN LINER: Just is. THE DOCTOR: Not got very enquiring minds have you. MEL: Quiet, Doctor. (The Red Kangs attention turns to Mel and so do their weapons.) BIN LINER: Are you a Blue Kang' MEL: No, I'm Mel. I don't know what the Kangs are. FIRE ESCAPE: We're the Kangs, Red Kangs. THE DOCTOR: Who are, of course, the best. (The Reds Kangs briefly talk amongst themselves conspiratorially.) THE DOCTOR: They seem to be some sort of gang, all girls by the looks of it. Maybe they'll ask you to join up. MEL: I hope not. BIN LINER: Bin liner. THE DOCTOR: Pardon' BIN LINER: Bin Liner. Mel (she pushes Mel slightly on the shoulder). Bin Liner. THE DOCTOR: Ah, now we're getting somewhere. I'm the Doctor. (He doffs his hat) FIRE ESCAPE: Fire Escape. THE DOCTOR: How d'you do. (The Doctor moves towards Fire Escape with one hand out stretched whilst doffing his hand with the other but the Kangs response defensively misunderstanding what he intends. They point their bow and arrows at him.) THE DOCTOR: I was only trying to be friendly. BIN LINER: Friendly' THE DOCTOR: Say hello' Hello' Hello' FIRE ESCAPE: (speaking to Bin Liner) Ah, he wants to how you do. Do we' (She lowers her weapon and moves forward. She brings her forearm aggressively up then opens her hand and lowers it slowly. She then repeats the action with her other forearm. She claps her hands together and then points her palms facing the Doctor who touches his palms to hers. They then lower them together. She steps back and with the other Kangs, takes a bow. Mel gestures the Doctor to copy them and he does so as best he can but he steps back and rolls his hat down his arm and tosses it back up onto his head. The Kangs response with another bow.) THE DOCTOR: You don't have to do that. (He looks slightly embarrassed and then gestures to Mel) What about Mel then' (All the Red Kangs turn away with their arms folded as a sign of rejection.) THE DOCTOR: What's the matter' FIRE ESCAPE: You we like, Doctor. What you wear is high fabshion and ice hot for an old one. THE DOCTOR: Oh thank you very much. But clothes don't maketh the man you know. BIN LINER: No but Kangs all have colours. Blue, Yellow, Red. What is Mel's colour' MEL: Oh I don't have a colour. And I don't want to be a Kang. (The Doctor despairs at Mel's response by holding his face in his hand.) FIRE ESCAPE: We don't want you to be a Kang, not a Red Kang. [SCENE_BREAK] 11. INT. STREET [SCENE_BREAK] (The Young Caretaker continues on his journey through the corridors. As before he holds the radio transmitter to his mouth.) YOUNG CARETAKERS: Caretaker number 345/12 subsection 3 here. I am proceeding along corridor 5673 towards section 301 on floor 34 north side. Chief' CHIEF CARETAKER: What is it now' YOUNG CARETAKERS: Do I have to' CHIEF CARETAKER: Orders are orders, number one rule of the Caretakers, Caretaker number 345/12 subsection 3. YOUNG CARETAKERS: But Chief listen, something's going wrong. I know it's going wrong. (As he walks past, a Blue Kang appears from her hiding place in a side corridor. She moves forward and peers around the corner to see him move away down the corridor. His voice becomes fainter as he moves away.) YOUNG CARETAKERS: After finishing this street ('), can't I just... CHIEF CARETAKER: No, Caretaker number 345/12 subsection 3, you can't. YOUNG CARETAKERS: But Chief'! CHIEF CARETAKER: Orders are orders, number one rule of the Caretakers, Caretaker number 345/12 subsection 3. (Once he has gone, the Blue Kang leader - known as Drinking Fountain - picks up the phone attached to the way beside her.) DRINKING FOUNTAIN: Yellow Kang the last believed unalive. Reason not known. (She replaces the phone to its position on the wall and moves off in the direction the Young Caretaker had just come from.) [SCENE_BREAK] 12. INT. STREET [SCENE_BREAK] (In another street a white robot makes it way along. There is a faint whirring sound. It has an arm on either side of its body. One is a mechanical saw and the other is a screw-like device. It is pulling a cart behind it. From the cart, protrudes the leg of the last Yellow Kang.) [SCENE_BREAK] 13. INT. SQUARE [SCENE_BREAK] (One set of Red Kangs watch over Mel, whilst another set featuring Bin Liner and Fire Escape dance around chanting, taking the Doctor with them.) RED KANGS: Red Kangs, Red Kangs, Red Kangs are best. Red Kangs, Red Kangs, Red Kangs are best. Red Kangs, Red Kangs, Red Kangs are best. THE DOCTOR: Red Kangs are best. Yes, well now that we've been introduced, I think that some explanations are in order. We're visitors to Paradise Towers, only just arrived, so you can't really expect Mel to understand what you're talking. BIN LINER: No visitors. THE DOCTOR: Pardon' BIN LINER: No visitors, no ball games, no fly posts, no visitors. THE DOCTOR: You mean visitors aren't allowed' BIN LINER: No visitors ever. FIRE ESCAPE: Not since time start. THE DOCTOR: Well there always a first time. I mean not everyone you're going to meet is going to be a Kang. FIRE ESCAPE: No. There are old ones and caretakers and the... BIN LINER: Reta! (This gives Fire Escape the instruction to stop.) DOCTOR: I see. And who are these Caretakers' BIN LINER: They wipe away our wallscrawl, chase us down Carrydoors, catch us if they can. THE DOCTOR: I see. And all the young ones are Kangs. FIRE ESCAPE: Yes. THE DOCTOR: Or girls, I should say. There don't seem to be any boys. (Whilst looking around him at the Red Kangs, the Doctor motions with his eyes for Mel to start moving towards to TARDIS.) FIRE ESCAPE: Boys' Boys' What are boys' There are the old ones and caretakers and Kangs and the... (Bin Liner gives her a silencing glance). That is all. THE DOCTOR: I see. Well I must say it's been nice meeting you but I think it's time we must be on our way, don't you think so, Mel. MEL: Yes, Doctor. Not a moment to lose. (They can get no closer to the TARDIS as the Red Kangs block their way and again hold them captive.) BIN LINER: We heard you talk of the pool. FIRE ESCAPING: The Great Pool in the Sky. THE DOCTOR: Did you' Oh, I expect your ears were playing tricks on you. BIN LINER: You're coming with us to our hide-in. (The Red Kangs nearest to the Doctor start to tie his hands together behind his back.) THE DOCTOR: I wonder what (sic) Blue Kangs behave like this. [SCENE_BREAK] 14. INT. STREET [SCENE_BREAK] (The Young Caretaker moves cautiously into the corridor holding his radio transmitter to his mouth.) YOUNG CARETAKER: As instructed, I'm proceeding along corridor... (His comment is halted as his radio signal is disrupted.) YOUNG CARETAKER: Chief' (He taps the radio) Chief' Are you receiving me' (He taps it again) Chief'! (He looks up when he hears a whirring sound. At the other end of the corridor, appears a Robotic Cleaner.) YOUNG CARETAKER: Oh no. No, it can't be. The Chief told us... Chief!' (He fails to notice another cleaner appear from behind and make its way towards him. Its centre claw is in position and ready to use. The cleaner in front of him makes its way off down a side corridor.) CHIEF CARETAKER: (from the radio) Yes, Caretaker number 345 /12 subsection 3. YOUNG CARETAKER: Oh, thank goodness you're there, Chief. CHIEF CARETAKER: Now don't panic, Caretaker number 345 /12 subsection 3. YOUNG CARETAKER: But Chief it's...it's... (He cannot complete his sentence as he turns around to see the Cleaner behind him which then grabs his throat with its claw and kills him.) YOUNG CARETAKER: AAAaaaarrrgggghhhhhhh!!!!!!!!! CHIEF CARETAKER: Yes, I know. [SCENE_BREAK] 15. INT. SQUARE [SCENE_BREAK] (The Doctor and Mel are tied up carefully secured by a Kang.) THE DOCTOR: It seems the art of knot tying hasn't died out here. MEL: I thought they liked you. THE DOCTOR: They liked my clothes, which is clearly not enough. BIN LINER: Are they tied and true' RED KANG: Yes. (Bin Liner goes over to where Fire Escape is standing by the phone.) BIN LINER: Ready, Fire Escape. FIRE ESCAPE: Red Kang Eye-spy says we can't go through usual carrydoor, Red Kangs out and lurking. BIN LINER: And the Yellows' FIRE ESCAPE: No Yellows, all unalive now. BIN LINER: All' FIRE ESCAPE: All. THE DOCTOR: Excuse me. FIRE ESCAPE: What' THE DOCTOR: Did you say that a whole tribe of Yellow Kangs have been wiped out; I mean made unalive just like that. (Fire Escape nods.) THE DOCTOR: But why' You didn't kill them did you' FIRE ESCAPE: To make unalive is not part of the Kang way. No ball games, no fly posts, no wipe-outs. THE DOCTOR: Who did it then' The Caretakers, the Blue Kangs, I mean who' FIRE ESCAPE: It takes place. BIN LINER: We've been in the open spaces for too long, we must go. Ware Blue Kangs, build high for happiness. RED KANGS: Build high for happiness. (The Doctor looks ponderous as The Red Kangs lead him and Mel out of the square and up the stairs.) [SCENE_BREAK] 16. INT. CARETAKER HEADQUARTERS [SCENE_BREAK] (The unseen Chief Caretaker stands over his control desk looking at his bank of screens. One screen shows a cleaner pulling a rubbish cart containing the body of the late Young Caretaker.) CHIEF CARETAKER: A nice little snack coming up for you, my beauty. So you'll grow up big and strong. That's Daddy's little pet. DEPUTY CHIEF CARETAKER: I've located a whole group of them, Chief. Large as life and twice as nasty. CHIEF CARETAKER: Excellent. (The Chief pulls a switch on the control desk to make an announcement to the caretakers on patrol.) CHIEF CARETAKER: Attention all caretakers, abandon further work on master plan QYT and as set out in regulation book 145 proceed instead into standard emergency plan 908b. DEPUTY CHIEF CARETAKER: Emergency plan 908b certainly. CHIEF CARETAKER: That is correct. Seize all Red Wall-Scrawlers in Fountain of Happiness square. Now! [SCENE_BREAK] 17. INT. SQUARE [SCENE_BREAK] (The Red Kangs are leading the Doctor and Mel up the stairs in the square. Both of the their hands are still tied up.) THE DOCTOR: Sorry about the pool, Mel. MEL: That's alright, Doctor. (In front of the leading Kangs some Caretakers appear, the Red Kangs panic and retreat away back down the stairs.) DEPUTY CHIEF CARETAKER: Alright you Kangs, lets be having you. (In the chaos of panicking Red Kangs, the Doctor falls from the stairway on to some rubbish in the square below. Meanwhile Mel makes her escape with the other Kangs down a street leading from the Square. Once they have gone, pursued by a few Caretakers, the Doctor is alone on the rubbish. He is pull up onto his feet by some Caretakers. He is unable to move himself due to his hands being tied behind his back. He is confronted by the Deputy.) DEPUTY CHIEF CARETAKERS: Who are you' THE DOCTOR: That doesn't matter. Are you the Caretakers' DEPUTY CHIEF CARETAKER: Yes! THE DOCTOR: And you take care, of people, that is. DEPUTY CHIEF CARETAKER: Maybe. THE DOCTOR: You seem to be our best bet so far, don't you think, Mel. Mel' Where's Mel. DEPUTY CHIEF CARETAKER: No, no, no, sunbeam. You're coming with us. (The two Caretakers holding the Doctor pull him away after the Deputy as he ascends the central Square stairs.) [SCENE_BREAK] 18. INT. STREET [SCENE_BREAK] (In a street that is cleaner than most in the Towers, Fire Escape and the other red Kangs are running away from the Caretakers, who would seem to have given up. Mel runs into the street but stops and turns to see how close the Doctor is behind her. She is alarmed to see that he isn't there.) MEL: Doctor' Doctor'!' Doctor!'! Oh that's done it, what now' (She stops in the centre of the square looking crestfallen. From a little way down the street Mel has just shouted appears an elderly woman in a doorway. Mel turns to face the woman who calls out.) TILDA: Cooee. Cooooeeee. Would you care for a cup of tea' MEL: Hello. TILDA: I said would you care for some tea and some cakes' MEL: Yes. Thank you. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. TILDA AND TABBY'S FLAT [SCENE_BREAK] (Inside the flat, Tabby, a much larger woman than Tilda wearing a similar hotchpotch of clothing, appears from the kitchen area and meets Tilda at the front door.) TABBY: Is she coming, Tilda' TILDA: Yes. TABBY: How does she look' TILDA: Very nice. TABBY: Is she fat' TILDA: Sshhh, sshhh. Oh She's nearly here, dear. Oh my goodness, Tabby, look at that table. Quick. (Tabby moves off as quickly as she can to the Kitchen to clear the kitchen table.) EXT. TILDA AND TABBY'S FLAT [SCENE_BREAK] (Tilda stands by the front door holding it closed so as to obscure Mel's view of the inside and Tabby's tidying activities. Mel Joins Tilda at the door.) MEL: Hello. TILDA: (Laughing embarrassed) My friend Tabby is just tidying up. We're both very house proud you see, particularly when we have guests. (Looking in through the front door, Tilda can see Tabby standing up the kitchen area ready to receive their new guest.) TILDA: Yes, I think it's alright to go in now. Come in dear. INT. TILDA AND TABBY'S FLAT [SCENE_BREAK] TILDA: I'm Tilda, by the way. What's you name' MEL: Oh, Mel. TILDA: Oh Mel! Mel. What a delicious name. Tabby, this is Mel. MEL: Hello. TABBY: Hello, dear. Come in and make yourself comfortable. MEL: Thank you. (Mel moves to the sitting area. Tabby notices that Mel's hands are tied behind her back.) TABBY: Oh look at your poor hands. We can't allow that, can we Tilda. TILDA: Of course not. Sit down, dear. Let Tabby untie you; I'll put the kettle on. (Mel sits down in the centre arm chair and Tabby sits to the right of her and begins to untie her arms.) TABBY: Oh, you must have been having a horrid time. Who did this to you' MEL: The Kangs. The Red Kangs. TABBY: Oh those Kangs, they're naughty girls. You're not a Kang are you' MEL: Ah no. TILDA: No, we didn't think you were somehow. They're nasty, untrusting girls, who would never take a cup of tea from two harmless old ladies like us, would they Tabby. TABBY: Oh no, dear, no. There you are (she has freed Mel's hands). MEL: Oh, Thank you. TABBY: Oh, Mel's not at all like a Kang. She's a nice, polite, clean, well spoken girl. Just the sort we like. MEL: Excuse me. TABBY: There you are, Tilda, what did I say. Lovely manners, saying excuse me before asking a question. What was it dear' MEL: I was just going to ask who you were. I mean the Kangs are the Kangs and the Caretakers are the... TILDA: Oh silly, us. We're the Rezzies. (Tilda comes from the kitchen area and puts a tray on the coffee table containing tea cups, large cookies and cream then returns to the kitchen.) MEL: The Rezzies' TABBY: Well, we're some of the Rezzies anyway. We have a few like minded friends here and there in the towers. MEL: Have you always lived here. TILDA: Oh we've been here for ever such a long time, if that's what you mean. (She returns to the sitting area carrying a tea pot.) How about you' MEL: Oh I'm just visiting. TABBY: A visitor. Well, well, must be a long time since the towers saw any of those, hey Tilda' TILDA: Takes you back, doesn't it. MEL: Does it' What was it like before' TILDA: Oh, never mind about that, dear, have some tea and cakes. (Tilda hands Mel a fresh cup of tea.) TABBY: Oh yes. MEL: Thanks. I'm really hungry. (Tabby puts a plate on Mel's lap.) TABBY: Yes. You're a thin little thing, aren't you' Never mind, dear, Tilda and I will feed you up. Won't we' (Tilda gives Tabby a knowing laugh as she piles lots of sugar in there cups. Both of them exchange looks and then look at Mel who is enjoying biting into a large cookie coated in chocolate chips.) [SCENE_BREAK] 19. INT. STREET [SCENE_BREAK] (The Doctor is being escorted down yet another darkened street by three Caretakers, one of whom is the Deputy Chief Caretaker. They are looking rather tired. The Doctor is holding his pocket watch whilst the Deputy reads his rule book.) THE DOCTOR: Well' DEPUTY CHIEF CARETAKER: You're allowed to stop one and a half minutes for every three thousand steps walked. THE DOCTOR: And that means' DEPUTY CHIEF CARETAKER: You can stand still for... a while. THE DOCTOR: Oh, very generous of you. (The Doctor takes some deep intake of breath as they stop still in the street. The Caretakers also look rather worn out.) THE DOCTOR: It must be a job trying to keep these corridors clean and tidy like this. DEPUTY CHIEF CARETAKER: Oh yes, especially the wallscrawl. THE DOCTOR: Oh so that's what you call them. Wallscrawlers. DEPUTY CHIEF CARETAKER: Yes. Dirty pests. Well look at it. (The Doctor looks about him and notices an interesting picture painted on to one of the walls.) THE DOCTOR: By my two tickers, what's that' DEPUTY CHIEF CARETAKER: What's what' THE DOCTOR: Well it looks like a Kang and something attacking it, some sort of claw. Oh here look there's a drill and down here there's a nozzle sucking things up. DEPUTY CHIEF CARETAKER: Yes, well the Wallscrawlers make up a lot of silly pictures. THE DOCTOR: Let's hope they're just silly pictures. What's that' (Coming from down the street behind them is a mechanical whirring sound.) DEPUTY CHIEF CARETAKER: I don't hear anything. Look, Sunbeam, if there was anything wrong, there'd be instructions in here about how to deal with it, wouldn't there' Erm' (Just as he finishes a Robotic cleaner appears behind them down the street.) THE DOCTOR: Oh, I see. It's some sort of robotic cleaner with autri-motive, bi-carbol scraping blades (sic). DEPUTY CHIEF CARETAKER: You don't understand. THE DOCTOR: No, I don't but I intend to. Now let's have a look at those autri-motive blades, shall we. Ah, yes. (The Doctor is oblivious to the danger that he is in as the robot's blades start to rotate. The Doctor leans in closer when the claw hidden in the centre of the robot is brought into sight, just missing his head. The Doctor realises the danger.) THE DOCTOR: D'you usually do, what I usually do in these circumstances' DEPUTY CHIEF CARETAKER: What's that' THE DOCTOR: Run! (The Doctor races off followed by the Caretakers as they are all pursued by the Cleaner.) [SCENE_BREAK] 20. INT. TILDA AND TABBY'S FLAT [SCENE_BREAK] (Mel and the old woman are still in the sitting area finishing off there tea and cakes. Tilda is knitting what appears to be a table cloth. Mel is sipping her tea but finds it rather unusual in taste. Tabby is also drinking her tea but notices nothing outside of the norm.) TILDA: Of course, in the old days, things were very different, weren't they, Tabby. TABBY: Oh very different, Tilda. MEL: Then what happened' TABBY: Well my memories not what it was but one thing followed another and before we knew where we were, we were in the pickle we are today. TILDA: Now everyone has to fend for themselves, take what they can find. Have another cake, Mel dear, go on. MEL: Alright then. (She takes another cake from the table) So you were here from the beginning then' TABBY: Oh yes, dear, yes, ever since the Great architect finished Paradise Towers and all the youngsters and all the oldsters were moved here. MEL: And the rest, the in-betweens' TABBY: Oh well, I don't quite recall. I think they had some else to do' A war to fight or something. All such a long time ago. I often wonder whether we won that war or not. TILDA: I don't suppose we'll ever know now, Tabby. TABBY: No I don't suppose we will, Tilda. MEL: Do you know anything about a swimming pool' TILDA: A swimming pool' No I don't think so. I've never heard of one. Have you, Tabby' TABBY: No I haven't, Tilda. Oh you'd be far better off to stay here with us. Wouldn't she, Tilda' TILDA: Oh yes, Tabby. She can eat and eat till her heart's content and get nice and plump and healthy, safe from those nasty. MEL: It's very kind of you both but I'm afraid I will have to go once I've finished my tea. It's very important. TILDA: Oh nonsense, dear. Finish your cake. TABBY: No, we'll be very offended if you just rush off so quickly. Won't we, Tilda' MEL: Well, just a few more minutes, maybe. TILDA: That's it, dear, plenty of time. TABBY: All the time in the world. Make the most of the peace and quiet. (They are interrupted by the front door which is being knocked through by a young man called Pex. He wears a ripped t-shirt, combat trousers and a ring of gun cartridges around his torso. He enters carrying a gun which he points alternatively at Tilda and Tabby.) PEX: Are these old ladies annoying you' MEL: No. PEX: Are you annoying these old ladies' TILDA AND TABBY: No, she isn't. PEX: Oh. TILDA: And I do wish you wouldn't keep breaking down our door to save us. TABBY: That's the third time we've had it repaired and it's not as if we've ever been in any trouble. TILDA: Apart from bits of door flying about all over the place. MEL: Look, who exactly are you' PEX: The name's Pex. I put the world of Paradise Towers to rights. [SCENE_BREAK] 21. INT. STREET [SCENE_BREAK] (The Doctor and the Caretakers are running down a long street to a lift at the end. They are being pursued by a Robotic Cleaner.) DEPUTY CHIEF CARETAKER: Quick in the lift. THE DOCTOR: But I thought you said the lifts here don't work' (Inside the lift the Deputy frantically presses the lift button to get it to move but with little success.) DEPUTY CHIEF CARETAKER: No, they don't. Aahh. THE DOCTOR: Here let me. (The Doctor pulls him out of the way, and using his umbrella to tap the keys the panel comes to life and the door closes. The Doctor raises his hat to the Cleaner on the other side of the door and turns to the Caretaker beside him.) THE DOCTOR: Going up' [SCENE_BREAK] 22. INT. TILDA AND TABBY'S FLAT [SCENE_BREAK] (Tilda and Tabby are escorting Mel to the front door as Pex picks through the debris that he created.) MEL: No, I really do have to go but you have been very kind. TILDA: Oh it does seem a pity when we were so comfortable. TABBY: You mustn't be put off by him. MEL: Oh I wasn't. Don't you worry. But I really must find my friend and the pool. TILDA: You will come and see us again soon, won't you, dear' TABBY: Maybe bring your friend. MEL: Oh, of course. Thank you for everything. TILDA: Till next time, dear. TABBY: Well, we'll be looking out for you, dear. MEL: Yes, bye. (Mel steps out through the hole in the front door and walks off down the corridor. Tabby turns to Pex, who is posing beside her.) TABBY: Would you mind going now too please' (Pex relaxes from his posing and moves out of the flat.) EXT. TILDA AND TABBY'S FLAT AND STREET [SCENE_BREAK] (Mel makes her way along the corridor rather hesitantly at the direction she should take. Pex moves in to join her.) PEX: Just a minute. MEL: What is it now' PEX: You're going on a dangerous journey. You need me to protect you. MEL: I most certainly do not. PEX: But that's my job. I'm Pex, I put the world of Paradise Towers to rights. MEL: Yes, I know all that but I still don't need you. PEX: Well if you don't need a protector, you might need a guide' Somebody who knows their way about' MEL: (She considers this option) Alright. I may live to regret this. (Mel walks off with Pex tailing behind her.) [SCENE_BREAK] 23. INT. THE CARETAKER HEADQUARTERS [SCENE_BREAK] (The Chief Caretaker is sitting at the desk watching a viewing screen. The screen shows a corridor and the Doctor being escorted from the lift by the Caretakers.) CHIEF CARETAKER: I don't believe it. It's not possible. It can't be. (He stands up) It could be. [SCENE_BREAK] 24. INT. THE SQUARE [SCENE_BREAK] (A large group of Red Kangs have congregated in the Square around a shrine made up from various pieces of rubbish. The leader joins them encircled around the shrine. They lower their weapons, make a salute-like gesture then fall to rest on their knees.) BLUE KANG LEADER: Hail the Kang. Hail the unalive Kang. Yellow of colour but brave and bold as a Kang should be. BLUE KANGS: Hail the Kang. Hail the unalive Kang. Yellow of colour but brave and bold as a Kang should be. (In a Street off the square, Mel and Pex hear the chanting and make their way to the source of the noise. They read the square and observe the Kang ritual.) MEL: Pex, what's going on' Pex, what's happening in Paradise Towers' (Pex remains silent as he and Mel watch the Blue Kangs continue to circle the shrine.) BLUE KANGS: Brave and bold as a Kang should be. Brave and bold as a Kang should be. [SCENE_BREAK] 25. INT. THE CARETAKER HEADQUARTERS [SCENE_BREAK] (The caretakers enter pulling the Doctor along with them. The Chief is at his desk and rises to meet them.) DEPUTY CHIEF CARETAKER: Chief! CHIEF CARETAKER: Later, Deputy. Release him. Greetings. I am the Chief Caretaker. THE DOCTOR: How d'you do. I am... CHIEF CARETAKER: No need to tell me. I know who you are. You are the man who brought Paradise Towers to life. The visionary who dreamed up its lift and pools and squares. And now you have returned to your creation. You will make all those dilapidated lifts and rise and falls as they've never done before. All signs of wallscrawl will disappear from the walls and all will be made as new. Fellow Caretakers, d'you know who this is. This is the Great Architect returned to Paradise Towers. Bid him welcome. All Hail the Great Architect, all hail. CARETAKERS: All hail the great architect. DEPUTY CHIEF CARETAKER: What shall we do with him now, Chief' CHIEF CARETAKER: Kill him.

The Doctor lands the Tardis at a fancy hotel called Paradise Towers where Mel is looking forward to having a good time. When they arrive, things are not quite what they were expecting. Right after landing, the Doctor and Mel meet the Red Kangs and find out about their opponents, the Blue Kangs.

fd_Teen_Wolf_04x04

fd_Teen_Wolf_04x04_0

LYDIA: Previously on Teen Wolf... The Mute: (DISTORTED VOICE) Hello, Sean. I just killed your family. Stiles: Lydia wrote these? Scott: You got kicked out, didn't you? Stiles: That's good. You kissed her. Scott: Get back! Araya: When you take the bite of an innocent, I will come knocking at your door. (SCREAMING) (MUSIC PLAYING) (POLICE RADIO CHATTER) Sheriff: Hey, let's get everyone off the roof. And see if you can stall the ME for five minutes.I've got an expert of my own coming to take a look. Deputy Parrish: You have an expert on teenage cannibals? Sheriff: Five minutes, Parrish. Deputy Parrish: Hey. Sheriff: Uh, I guess you've been there long enough to hear we need to be quick about this. Scott said he called himself a wendigo. Derek: Cannibalistic shape-shifters. But I haven't heard of them in Beacon Hills for a long time. Must have been well-hidden. How many people did Scott say were up here? Sheriff: Just Sean and the axe-murderer who apparently has no mouth. You wouldn't know anything about that, would you? Derek: There was someone else. Someone young. And male. Sheriff: You can smell his fear? Derek: And his blood. Stiles: Like I said, I told my dad everything I could. Scott: But you didn't tell him about Liam? Stiles: You barely told me about Liam. What did you do with him anyway? Scott: He's upstairs. Stiles: Doing what? Scott: Lying down. (PANTING) (MUFFLED GRUNTING) Stiles: So you bit him. Scott: Yeah. Stiles: And you kidnapped him. Scott: Yeah. Stiles: And brought him here. Scott: I panicked. Stiles: Yup. This isn't going to end with us burying the pieces of his body out in the desert, is it? (MUFFLED CRIES) Stiles: As a reminder, this is why I always come up with the plans. Your plans suck. Scott: I know. Which is why I called you. So, what do we do? (SIGHS) (MUFFLED GRUNTING) Stiles: Liam, we're going to take the tape off your mouth. If you scream, it goes right back on. If you talk quietly, it stays off. Got it? Okay. (EXCLAIMS PAINFULLY) Stiles: Okay, Liam, now you've seen a lot of confusing things tonight. And more confusing things are going to happen because of the confusing things that happened tonight. Do you understand? Liam: Not really. Stiles: Good. That's good. Scott: I don't understand either. Stiles: Maybe you should tell him. Liam: Tell me what? Scott: Liam... What happened to you, what I did to you, which I had to do in order to save you, it's going to change you. Stiles: Unless it kills you. Shouldn't have said that. Liam: What? Stiles: Uh... Uh-oh. Oh-oh. Is he... Is he crying? Scott: Liam, it's okay. You're going to be all right. Liam: (SOBBING) Scott: You're not going to die. Stiles: Probably not. Scott: Stop it. Stiles: Okay, possibly not. Scott: Would you just help me untie him? Liam? Are you okay? Stiles: We're sorry about that. We're really sorry. (GRUNTING) Stiles: Liam, what the hell is your... (GRUNTS) Stiles: Ah. Get him. (BOTH SCREAMING) (ALL SCREAMING) (ALL GROANING) Stiles: Leg! I got him! I got him! I got him, I got him! (EXHALES LOUDLY) Scott: Your plan sucked, too. Peter: Derek, you here? Derek! (WHOOSHING) (TENSE MUSIC PLAYING) (SHALLOW BREATHING) Peter: Derek... The Mute: (DISTORTED VOICE) Don't worry, Peter. Derek's next. Malia: I hate full moons. Stiles: It's going to get easier. I promise. Malia: It better. Because this isn't going to hold much longer. Stiles: Well, then let's try and make tonight the last time we have to use these. Besides, we might need them for Liam. Malia: You guys sure he's going to turn into a werewolf? Stiles: We're not even sure if he's going to live. Is that too tight? Malia: No. Sheriff: Hey. Um... Stiles: That's... This is not what you think at all. Sheriff: I don't even want to know. Stiles: There is nothing to know, 'cause I just... Malia: I don't get it. Stiles: Told him that. (SCHOOL BELL RINGING) Kira: These are your math notes? No wonder Malia's failing. Lydia: Um, some of them are my notes. The rest I think might actually be a code. Kira: But you don't remember writing it? Lydia: Not in the slightest. But considering my drawing of a tree led us to the Nemeton, I should probably figure out what it means before it tries to kill us. Kira: Maybe it's like the Enigma Code the Allies used. Remember my dad was a World War II buff? And my mom was, well... In it. Lydia: I think it's a variation on something called the Vig nere Cipher. Kira: Do you know how to crack it? Lydia: With a key. Mrs Martin: Remember the rules. No more than six people allowed in the lake house. Stay out of the wine. And if anything gets broken, it's getting added to your credit card debt. Lydia: Fine. Mrs Martin: And lock up the basement. From all the scratch marks I found on the walls, it looked like a pack of wild animals got down there. (MUSIC PLAYING) Garrett: I'm not watching another movie on a Friday night. Mason, there's gotta be something going on. Mason: You remember we're freshmen, right? We just got off a school bus. We're not exactly gonna be hitting the clubs till : a.m. Violet: Okay. Movie at your place. : . (PANTING) Mason: Hey. Liam, why weren't you on the bus? Liam: I ran. Mason: You ran three miles to school? Liam: Yeah. I just started running. Mason: So I guess your leg's okay? What happened to your arm? (BREATHING HEAVILY) Mason: Dude, are you okay? Liam: I'll talk to you later. I gotta get to class. Stiles: Liam, hey! Scott: We need to talk. Liam: No, you need to back the hell up, okay? Both of you. Scott: Can you just listen for one second. Please? Liam... We're brothers now. Liam: What? Stiles: Oh, God. That's... Liam: What are you talking about? We just met and you bit me. Scott: The bite... The bite is a gift. Stiles: Scott, stop. Please stop. You, you, we're trying to help you, you little runt. Liam: By kidnapping me? Stiles: Just to clarify, Scott kidnapped you. Okay? I aided and abetted. Scott: Liam, I've gone through this before. Something's happening to you. Something big. Liam: Nothing's happening to me. Nothing. (SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING) (SCHOOL BELL RINGING) Malia: I'm not sharing my basement. Lydia: Actually, it's my basement. And my mom noticed how you tore it up last time. Stiles: All right, she's still learning. Scott: But, we're going to use the boathouse for Liam. It's got support beams. We can chain him to one of them. Kira: But how do we get him out to the lake house if he doesn't trust us? Stiles: I say if it keeps him from murdering someone we chloroform the little b*st*rd and throw him in the lake. Malia: I'm in. Scott: We're not killing or kidnapping him. Lydia: Then let's be smarter. We tell him there's a party and invite him. Stiles: So, you're going to ask out a freshman? Lydia: No, I'm done with teenage boys. But, if we're playing a trick on someone, we'll have to use the trickster. Kira: Who? Me? No way. Not me. Lydia: Yes, you. You know what they call a female fox? A vixen. Kira: Me? Lydia: You can do it, Kira. Be a vixen. (SCHOOL BELL RINGING) Mason: Liam. Liam. (MUSIC PLAYING) Liam: Are you okay? Kira: Yeah. Fine. You want to go to a party tonight? Derek: The axe was laced with wolfsbane. I don't know the species so I'm going to have to burn it out. Peter: I think I can handle a little fire. Ah, hell. (SCREAMING) (GRUNTS) Peter: He said he was after you. Derek: How does a guy with no mouth say anything? Peter: With this. (MUSIC PLAYING) Kira: It's Lydia Martin's lake house. Actually, it's her grandmother's lake house. But she's dead, so it's okay. I mean, it's not okay that she's dead. Unless she was in pain. Liam: Can you turn the music down? (VOLUME TURNED DOWN) Kira: You want me to turn the music up? (CELL PHONE BUZZING) Liam: Who'd you say was coming to this party? Kira: Um... Everyone. Scott: I just talked to Kira. She's on her way. She said it's all going fine. Stiles: It's not that. I have to tell you something. I asked around about Liam. I know why he got kicked out of his last school. Scott: This is going to be bad, isn't it? Stiles: He kind of got into it with one of his teachers. And... The kid's got some serious anger issues. Scott: How serious? Stiles: Well, that's his teacher's car. After he took a crowbar to it. (SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING) (PANTING) (MUSIC PLAYING) Liam: Where is everyone? Kira: They're here. It's a small party. Liam: You said everyone was coming. Kira: They are. They're late. And we're early. So we better hurry. Yay! Party. Sorry. Liam: What the hell is this? Stiles: Think of it like an intervention . You have a problem, Liam. Scott: And we're the only ones that can help. Sheriff: I still don't get ho this guy has no mouth. How can he eat? Derek: Peter didn't get a chance to ask. He was fighting him off with a tomahawk buried in his chest. Sheriff: Who runs around with a tomahawk? Deputy Parrish: I carried one for IED removal in Afghanistan. It's military. And so is that. Sheriff: Do you know what it's used for? Deputy Parrish: Well, this one looks like it's been modified. Sheriff: Show us. [SCENE_BREAK] Liam: Werewolf? Werecoyote. Banshee. Fox? Kira: Kitsune. But fox works. Liam: What are you? Stiles: Uh, for a little while, I was possessed by an evil spirit. It was very evil. Liam: What are you now? Stiles: Better. Um... Liam: Are those for me? Malia: No, they're for me. Liam: How did you do that? Scott: You'll learn. But first, you need to get through the full moon. Liam: The moon's already out. (HEART BEATING) Scott: And you're starting to feel something, aren't you? Liam: I feel like I'm surrounded b a bunch of psychotic nutjobs. You guys are out of your freaking minds. I don't know how you did that eye thing and I don't care. I'm walking out the door right now! If any of you try to stop me, I swear to God, I'm gonna... (SCREAMING) (PANTING) Scott: What's wrong? Liam? Liam: You don't hear that? Lydia: Did you tell someone about this? Liam: My friend Mason. (KIDS HOOTING) Liam: You said it was a party. Stiles: Who did Mason invite? Kira: Everyone. Lydia: The floors! Get him off the floors! (ROARING) Scott: We need to get him to the boathouse. Now! Uh! Malia: Stiles... Stiles: Yeah. (ROARING) Stiles: Hey... Okay, basement. Now. Now. Lydia: What am I supposed to do with the hordes gathering outside the door? Stiles: Lydia, who throws the best parties in Beacon Hills? Lydia: What? Me, obviously. Stiles: Okay, then throw a party. (SCOFFS) (MUSIC PLAYING) Mason: Hey. Uh, are we in the right place? Garrett: For the party? Lydia: Absolutely. (ALL CHEERING) (SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING) Deputy Parrish: Okay, I think I got an IP address. Sheriff: That means we can find him, right? Deputy Parrish: Definitely. Especially if... (WHIRRING) Derek: What was that? Deputy Parrish: I think I found a message. Does anyone recognize the handle "Benefactor"? Derek: Money transferred. What does that mean? Sheriff: That means this guy is not just a killer. He's an assassin. (SNARLING) Scott: I got him. Get his hands. (SNARLING) (GRUNTS) (GASPS) Kira: Oh, God. I didn't kill him, did I? Scott: No. He's out cold. (PANTING) Kira: I hope Stiles is having better luck. Stiles: Too tight? Malia: Tighter. You can leave if you want. Stiles: I'm not going anywhere. And to be honest, I'm probably safer down here than in a party with fifty freshmen and a very pissed off Lydia. (MUSIC GETTING LOUDER) Lydia: Okay, I didn't order a keg of beer. Especially not domestic. Demarco: Somebody ordered it. Are you trying to tell me nobody here wants to drink? Lydia: Who put this here? This laptop is $ and... Oh, that bottle of wine is . How much? What's this extra hundred dollars? Demarco: I call that the "Yes, you do look to me" surcharge. (SIGHS) Lydia: Let me get you some cash. Garrett: I opened the wine. I should probably pay for the keg. Kira: He looks so young. Scott: He is. He's only fifteen. Kira: What are we going to do with him? Scott: We're going to help him. (MUSIC PLAYING) Kira: What if he doesn't want our help? Scott: He will. (SNARLING) Malia: Stiles, please go. Stiles: It's okay. I hate parties. It's a social anxiety thing. You ever had a panic attack? Malia: I'm having one now. Stiles: Ah! Just breathe, okay. I'm not going to leave you. Malia: What if I hurt you? Stiles: You're not going to. Malia: But I want to. Uh! I look at your face and I want to slash at it. I want to tear at it. I want to feel your bones crack between my hands. Stiles: Surprisingly enough, you're not the first person to ever say something like that. (GROWLING) Stiles: I'm not leaving you. And I'm not going to let you hurt anyone. (GROWLING) Malia: Ah! You're not going to have a choice. (SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING) Demarco: Oh, come on. You got to be kidding me. Son of a bitch. Son of a... (GROANING) Demarco: Three things cannot be long hidden. The sun, the moon, the truth. Three things cannot be long hidden. The sun, the moon, the truth. Three things cannot be long hidden. The sun, the moon, the truth. The sun, the moon, the truth. (CHOKING) (GASPING) (MUSIC PLAYING) Violet: What are you smiling about? Garrett: Our friend just sent me a text. (PARTY MUSIC PLAYING) Mason: Liam? You up here? Dude, where the hell are you? Lydia: What are you doing up here. The party's downstairs. Mason: I was looking for Liam. Lydia: Sorry, but missing freshmen are a little low on my priority list. Mason: But not so low you don't know he's a freshman? Lydia: I might have seen your friend. Downstairs. Oh, my God, the carpet... No, God, no. Mason: Hey, it's all right. It'll come out. (PANTING) Mason: Oh, okay. I'm sorry. Was it valuable? Lydia: No. That's the problem. Nothing in here's valuable. We just put the house on the market. It was supposed to be left without a scratch. It has to be in perfect condition. We need every penny we can get out of this place. Mason: Okay, let me go get some club soda and salt. Lydia, it'll come out. It will. Okay. (MUSIC PLAYING) (MUSIC STOPS) (MUSIC PLAYING) (MUSIC STOPS) (MUSIC PLAYING) (MUSIC STOPS) Scott: Soundproof? (DISTORTED BEEPING) Kira: What? Scott: I can hear the music from the house. Kira: What are they playing? Scott: Electronic. Kira: I wish they still played slow songs at parties. At my old school we used to at least have a few. Scott: Why do you like the slow ones? Kira: I was always better at slow dancing. (CHUCKLES) Scott: Come here. (MUSIC PLAYING) Kira: What about him? Scott: He can dance with me next time. (CHUCKLES) Kira: So how are you so good at staying in control on a full moon? Scott: A lot of it's about making sure that my pulse doesn't get too fast. And my heart rate doesn't go up. Kira: So you've mastered it? Scott: It still takes a lot of concentration. Kira: So if something distracts you... Scott: I'm indistractable! Nothing. Kira: Then why are your eyes glowing? Scott: Cheater. Kira: I also just heard you growl. Scott: That wasn't me. (GROWLING) Kira: Are those chains going to hold him? Scott: Uh. Yeah. I think. Definitely. He can't be that strong... (SNARLING) Stiles: Okay, Malia, I know you can hear me. Just listen to my voice. Malia: (GROWLING) Listen to mine. Run! (TENSE MUSIC PLAYING) Derek: You know, just because this gu connected to the school's WiFi, doesn't mean he's still here. Sheriff: True. But I've seen enough in this school to keep my gun in hand when walking in after dark. Like blood. Derek: That doesn't make sense. Sheriff: Yeah, no kidding. Derek: That's not what I mean. I should've caught th scent before we walked in. (WHISPERS) Hold on. Sheriff: You nervous makes me nervous. Derek: It's an explosive. A claymore. Get down! (DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING) (SNARLING) Stiles: I'm not going to run. Because I don't think you're going to hurt me. And I think maybe you're so afraid of hurting me because of what you did to your family. I know what that's like. I remember everything I did. And the worst part is I remember liking it. Because I felt powerful. I felt fearless. And most of all, in control. But when I came through it, I learned something else... Control is overrated. (GROWLING) (PANTING) Stiles: You did it. (GROWLING) (SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING) (GROWLING) (GRUNTING) Scott: Liam... Liam, wait. Stop. Liam: What did you do to me? Scott: Liam... Liam: This is your fault. It's all your fault! This is your fault! (ARROW WHOOSHING) Ah! Scott: How did you know? Chris: I got your text. (GRUNTING) (PANTING) Sheriff: You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say, can and will be used against you in the court of law. You've the right to an attorney. If you cannot afford one... Derek: No, Peter, no! (GRUNTING) Derek: We've learned a better way. Peter: I'm a creature of habit. (EXHALING) Chris: There's a clearing just north of here. All you have to do is corral him there. The rest is taken care of. Scott: What are you going to do? Chris: He's your Beta, Scott. The better question is what are you going to do? Scott: He won't listen to me. Chris: He will if you start using your own words. (LIAM SCREAMING) Chris: (QUIETLY) Here. Go. (SCREAMING) Liam: What's happening to me? Scott: The same thing that happened to me. Kira: Lydia? Has anyone seen Lydia? (PARTY MUSIC PLAYING) Kira: Hey. Lydia? Are you okay? What do you hear? Lydia: The key. The key to break the code. Liam: They can't know about this. My mom, my stepdad, I can't do this to them again. Scott: What do you mean again? Liam: I got kicked out of school and I deserved it. The way they looked at me when they saw what I did to that car... Scott: Liam, it's okay. Liam: They can't see me like this. (SOBBING) Scott: Like a monster? You're not a monster. You're a werewolf. Like me. (BEEPING) (TENSE MUSIC PLAYING) (BEEPING) Kira: What is this? Lydia: It's a list of supernaturals in Beacon Hills. It's a dead pool. And we're all on it.

Peter is attacked and injured by the Mute. Scott and his friends attempt to plan a way to help Liam deal with the upcoming full moon. Deputy Parrish, Sheriff Stilinski and Derek discover that the Mute is an assassin hired by someone called the Benefactor. Scott and his friends lock up Liam and Malia at Lydia's lake house; unfortunately, Liam texted his friends that there was a party at the house. Lydia deals with the party, and discovers a soundproofed room in her house. Derek and Sheriff Stilinski locate the Mute at the high school, and avoid a claymore mine that the Mute planted. Peter eventually appears and kills the Mute. Stiles is able to help Malia gain control over her shift. Liam escapes, but Scott is able to subdue him with help from Chris Argent. At the party, a werewolf is killed by Violet, an agent of the Benefactor, along with her boyfriend Garrett. Lydia manages to decipher the code in the Mute's computer, using the keyword "ALLISON", which reveals that it's actually a " dead pool ", a hit list of supernatural beings living in Beacon Hills, which includes all of their supernatural friends.

fd_The_Big_Bang_Theory_05x09

fd_The_Big_Bang_Theory_05x09_0

Scene: The lobby. Penny: Hey. Leonard: Oh, hey. You work the lunch shift? Penny: Yeah. I've got eight pounds of salmon that's about to go bad. Do you know how to cook it? Leonard: Not really. Penny: Damn it. Should have liberated the iffy chicken. What are you and Professor Fussyface up to tonight? Leonard: Star Wars on Blu-ray. Penny: Haven't you seen that movie, like, a thousand times? Leonard: Not on Blu-ray. Only twice on Blu-ray. Penny: Oh, Leonard. Leonard: I know, it's high-resolution sadness. Penny: Well, I'm going to take myself out to a movie tonight. You want to go? Leonard: Really? Do we do that? Penny: What do you mean? Leonard: You know, we haven't spent time alone together since we broke up. Penny: Oh, it's not a date, Leonard. It's just a man and a woman hanging out, and not having s*x at the end of the night. Leonard: Sounds like most of my dates. Sheldon (off, voice heard through apartment door as they approach): Oh, dear Lord, get away from me, you monster! Penny: What is that about? Leonard: Well, he's smart and crazy enough, he may have actually created a monster. (They enter. Sheldon is by the window.) Sheldon: Shoo, shoo! Be gone! Leonard: What the hell is going on? Sheldon: There's a bird outside the window, and he won't go away. That is the hell that is going on. We have no worms or seeds here. Shoo, shoo. Penny: Really? On top of everything else, you're afraid of birds? Sheldon: It's called ornithophobia. And someday it will be recognized as a true disability, and the landlord will be required by law to put a giant net over the building. Which is unfortunate, because I have a fear of nets. Penny: So movies, yes or no? Leonard: Movies, yes. Penny: Great. I'll see you later. And remember, he's more afraid of you than you are of him. Sheldon: That doesn't help. Penny: No, I was talking to the bird. Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Go away, bird. (Knock, knock, knock) Go away, bird. (Knock, knock, knock) Go away, bird. Leonard: Sheldon, just ignore him. Sheldon: Good idea. Attention is what birds want. (Pulls curtain) Oh, much better. All right. Now I'll just get along with my life. (Bird squawks) Make a pot of tea, Leonard. It's going to be a long night. Credits sequence. Scene: The apartment.Sheldon is trying to scare the bird away making cat noises. Leonard: The bird's still there? Sheldon: Quick, what does a hawk sound like? Leonard: I don't know. Scree-scree. Sheldon: Please, that's a seagull. If you're not going to help, don't help. Leonard: Sorry. Do you think I'm overdressed? Sheldon: It depends on the activity. For a prostate exam, yes. If you're playing Vegas, I'd add sequins. Leonard: I'm going to the movies with Penny. I don't want her to think that I think it's a date. Sheldon: Do you think it's a date? Leonard: No, but she might think I think it's a date even though I don't. Sheldon: Or you might think she thinks you think it's a date even though she doesn't. Leonard: Are we overthinking this? Sheldon: Not at all. Leonard: You're right. I'm fine. I'm wearing this. Sheldon: Really? A blazer? All right. (Leonard takes off blazer and heads back to his room. Sheldon dials phone) Yes, hello. This is Dr. Sheldon Cooper. Yeah, I'm at 2311 North Robles Avenue. Yeah, I'd like to report a dangerous wild animal. A blue jay. I'm sorry, this is Animal Control. I don't understand the laughter. No, the bird is not in my home. If he was in my home, I obviously would have called 911. Sir, I have no doubt that there are things that you're frightened of. Being stuck in a dead-end public service job? Or your wife stepping out on you because you're stuck in a dead-end public service job? Or spiders? Don't you think I tried making cat noises? Leonard (returning in a tee shirt and backwards cap): Too casual? Sheldon: For an audience with the queen, yes. For an evening of passing a bottle of fortified wine around a flaming trash can, you look great. (Leonard leaves again. Sheldon draws a picture of a cats face and returns to making cat noises at the window.) What am I thinking? Whiskers! Scene: The cinema. Penny: Oh, hey, if we hurry, we can make the new Jennifer Aniston movie. Leonard: Oh, yeah, sure. There's also an amazing documentary about building a dam on river in South America. Penny: Okay, but the Jennifer Aniston movie has Jennifer Aniston, and she's not building a dam. Leonard: Can't argue with that. I'll get the tickets. Penny: Okay. Leonard: Actually, you know what? I think it's about time I pick a movie we see. Penny: You pick plenty of movies. Leonard: No. You always picked, and it was always the same. An hour and a half of beach houses in the rain until the woman turns around and realizes love was here all along. Penny: But come on, that is a great movie, and it starts in ten minutes. Leonard: I hate those movies. Penny: No, you don't. Leonard: Yes, I do. The only reason I went is because you wanted to see them, and I wanted to have s*x. To this day, I can't see a Sandra Bullock movie poster without getting both bored and aroused. Penny: Okay, so while we were going out, how often would you pretend to like things just to have s*x with me? Leonard: All the time. Penny: You're kidding. Leonard: Does this sound familiar? I'd love to go shoe shopping with you. Hiking? It's great. It's two a.m., of course I want to go to Korea Town and sing karaoke with your friends. Who wouldn't? Penny: Okay, we were going out. You were going to get s*x anyway. Leonard: Really? You would have slept with me after a three-hour documentary on dams? Penny: No. No woman would. Leonard: See? Now, that's the great thing. We're out as friends. This is not a date. s*x is off the table. So, let's go learn why hydroelectric power might not be the environmental bargain you think it is. Sorry. Spoiler alert. Penny: All right, fine. Leonard: Thanks. Tickets are eleven bucks. Not a date. Scene: The apartment. Raj: Come on, Sheldon, Star Wars. Howard: I'm pushing play. Sheldon: A minute. Howard: If we don't start soon, George Lucas is going to change it again. Sheldon: This would go a lot faster if you put your trade school diploma to work and helped me set up this high frequency tone generator. Howard: I have a Masters degree from M.I.T. Sheldon: Yeah, but you've got a can-do attitude and that's what's important. Raj: I really don't get your problem with birds. Sheldon: The question you should be asking is what is their problem with me? My first memory, a hummingbird dive-bombing my stroller to get at the apple juice in my sippy cup. Raj: Hummingbirds are pretty. Sheldon: Hummingbirds are the vampires of the flower world. Raj: Still my first choice for an ankle tattoo. Or a dolphin, I go back and forth. Sheldon: Age seven, a blood-thirsty chicken chases me up a tree. Age twelve, a magpie tries to steal the retainer out of my mouth. Age sixteen, a parrot in a pet store called me fat ass. Need I go on? Raj: Yes, please. This is way better than the movie. Howard: All right, Sheldon, your bird death ray is ready. Sheldon: It's not a death ray. It's just a little ultrasonic blast to scare him off. Trust me, if I had a death ray, I wouldn't be living here. I'd be in my lair enjoying the money the people of Earth gave me for not using my death ray. All right, and in three, two, one. (Switches on. All the windows shatter. The bird doesn't move.) Raj: That is one tough birdie. Scene: A bar. Leonard: Come on, you enjoyed the movie. I saw you tearing up when the village got flooded, and everyone had to relocate. Penny: No, I was thinking how come they get to leave and I can't. Leonard: I'm going to get some fries. You want anything? Penny: Uh, no, thanks. Leonard: Are you sure? Because you always say no, and then you eat half my fries. Penny: I just eat the little crispy ones you don't like. Leonard: No, I love them. I save them for the end, but they're gone because you ate them. And why did I let you eat them? Penny: To get s*x. Leonard: Exactly. But this is not a date. So I ask again, would you like anything? Penny: All right, I'd like an order of fries. Leonard: Great. That'll be five dollars. I am having the best time. I'm so glad you suggested we do this. Penny (accidentally nudging the man sitting behind her): Oh, sorry. Man: No problem. Penny: What you writing there? Man: A screenplay. Its about a guy whose roommate is having s*x and tells him go to a bar and work on his screenplay. Penny: I Hope Alex Gets Crabs: The Movie. Man: It's a working title. Penny: Oh. Man: I'm Kevin. Penny: Oh. Penny. Nice to meet you. Kevin: I'll let you get back to your date. Penny: Oh, no, no. This isn't a date, no. Right? Leonard: Uh, right. Penny: So have you written anything I might have seen? Kevin: That depends. How much time do you spend on Yelp? Scene: The apartment. Sheldon: This is ridiculous. I'm a grown man from Texas. This isn't a terrifying bird like a swan or a goose. It's just a blue jay. (Opens window) That's a pretty big blue jay. (Closes window. Goes to cabinet. Comes out wearing a Boba Fett helmet and a broom) One, two, three. (Opens window) Go! Shoo! Am-scray, ird-bay! (Bird flies in window) Bird in the apartment! Bird in the apartment! (Sees the bird sitting in his place) No! Scene: The bar. Penny (to Kevin): So it is an amazing documentary. They need the electricity from the dam, but at the same time they want to preserve the environment. Leonard: You're kidding me. Uh, can I see you for a sec over here? Penny: Oh, yeah. Sure. Just one sec? Kevin: No problem. Penny: What's up? Leonard: I know what you're doing. Penny: What am I doing? Leonard: You're going out of your way to talk to that guy because I said we weren't on a date. Penny: No, I'm talking to him because he's cute. Leonard: Come on, he's not that cute. Penny: Yes, he is. With his dorky T-shirt and his little hipster glasses. Leonard: I wear dorky T-shirts and glasses. Penny: Yes, but when you're tall and have great cheekbones, you're doing it ironically. Leonard: If that's so, what if I start talking to a girl? Penny: You should. Leonard: I'm serious. I'll do it. Penny: Good! Go! There are some girls right over there. What are you waiting for? Leonard: They're in a group. I'm scared. Scene: The apartment. Amy: Sheldon, what do you expect us to do? Sheldon: You're biologists. Biology is the study of living things. That's a living thing, get cracking. Bernadette: I specialize in microorganisms, and Amy studies brains. Amy: Yeah, neither of us minored in bird-shooing. Sheldon: Oh, come now. Your undergraduate work must have included a varmints and critters class. Bernadette: Come back in, Sheldon, he's not going to hurt you. He looks friendly. I think he might be someone's pet. Sheldon: No, Bernadette, don't be a hero! Bernadette: Oh, he's a sweetie. Sheldon: Yes. It's very sweet. Now, slowly and carefully, flush him down the toilet. Amy: Sheldon, the only way to get past this fear is to interact with it. Just like you did with the mailman. Sheldon: Every year tens of people around the world are killed by birds. I'm not going to be another statistic. Bernadette: Look how sweet he is. Come over and say hi. Come on. You can do it. Don't be scared. Come on. Oh, just pet the bird, you big baby! Sheldon: I did it! I actually did it. Okay, now flush him. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene: The bar. Woman: So, Leonard, what do you do for fun? Leonard: Um, let's see. Hiking. Karaoke in Koreatown. Any Jennifer Aniston movie. Penny: Hey. Sorry I ditched you. Leonard: No, it's fine. You can ditch away. Penny: Oh, no, no. We said we were going to hang out, let's hang out. Leonard: It's cool. Go back to Kevin. Penny: Oh, he had to leave. Leonard: Interesting. So now that he's gone, you want to hang out with me. Woman: This must be Penny. Leonard: Yep. Woman: I totally get it. Penny: Huh? I'm sorry, get what? Leonard: Don't worry about it. You know, there's some guys over there. You should go talk to them. Penny: No, no. I want to know what you told her. Leonard: That's kind of between me and... Woman: Laura. Leonard: Laura. Penny: Oh. Okay, I see. So while he was telling you things, did he mention he owns not one, but two Star Trek uniforms? Laura: Really? Penny: Yeah. Wears them. Not just for Halloween. Leonard: Hey, pal. You didn't see me telling Kevin that you thought cold wars were only fought in winter. Penny: Okay. Then I'll return the favour, and I won't tell... Laura: Laura. Penny: Laura that half the dirty movies you own are animated. Leonard: When you were telling Kevin about your acting career, did you mention your long-running role as Waitress in a local production of The Cheesecake Factory? Penny: Did you tell her about your lucky asthma inhaler? Leonard: Oh, yeah? Spell asthma. Penny: A... S... Take me home. Leonard: Maybe I'm not done hanging out with... (Laura has gone) You're right, it's getting late. Scene: The apartment. Sheldon has the bird on his arm. Sheldon: It's remarkable. All that time spent in fear. And for what? He's magnificent. Oh, dear. I just realized I haven't offered you a beverage. Bernadette: Oh, it's just like my grandma with her parrot. And after she lost her marbles with her remote control. Sheldon: My phone's on the desk over there. Take a picture of us together. Make it good enough to go on a mug, a mouse pad, and a calendar. If you were a dove, I'd call you Lovey-Dovey. Oh. Who am I kidding? This isn't a moment for strict adherence to the literal. You're just my little Lovey-Dovey, aren't you? Amy: Guess you gotta have hollow bones to get some sugar around here. Bernadette: I still think he looks like someone's pet. Maybe we should put up posters. Sheldon: Yes. It should have a big picture of him, and the words, is this your bird? Not anymore. We're going to have so much fun together. You can carry messages to all my enemies. I can tie a string to your leg and fly you like a kite. Amy: If you're keeping him, I've got a cage you can borrow. One of the test monkeys slipped on a banana peel and broke his neck. It was both tragic and hysterical. Sheldon: Nonsense. No. Lovey-Dovey doesn't sleep in a cage. No. Lovey-Dovey sleeps in his very own nest, which I'm going to get off the windowsill and put in my room. Isn't that right, LD? (Opens window. Bird flies out.) No. Where are you going? Come back, Lovey-Dovey! This is your home now! I already ordered 20 pounds of bird feed off of Amazon! He's gone. Amy: I'm sorry, Sheldon. Sheldon: How could he do this to me? Get back here, you stupid bird, so I can love you! Scene: The stairwell. They ascend without talking. Leonard: Okay. So, we went out, saw a movie, met some nice people, said horrible things about each other in public, all in all, a pretty magical night. Penny: Okay, I'm not innocent in all this, but you basically called me stupid, you asthmatic dumbass. Leonard: I know, I, I, I crossed a line. And I'm sorry. No, no, no, hang on. I really mean it. And it's not like when we were going out, I'd just apologize for everything so we could end up in bed. This is a 100% sex-is-off-the-table I'm sorry. Penny: All right. Thank you. I'm sorry, too. Leonard: Just to be clear, s*x is off the table, right? Penny: Way off. Leonard: Maybe we're not ready to hang out as friends. Penny: I don't know. Up until the last part, I was kind of enjoying take-charge Leonard with a little backbone. Picking the movie, knowing what he wants, a little cocky. Leonard: Really? Penny: Yeah. Leonard: Well, then, I'm putting s*x back on the table. What do you think about that? Penny: Ooh. Maybe I like it. Leonard: You do? Because if that's what you like, I can be that guy. I swear, I'll be anything you want me to be. Penny: Good night, Leonard. Leonard: I am such an asthmatic dumbass. I had a weird night. Sheldon: Mine was great. I'm going to be a mommy. (Reveals nest with an egg in it.)

Leonard and Penny decide to go to the movies as friends. However Leonard refuses to exhibit the familiar deference to her that he formerly displayed to her as her boyfriend to make her amenable to sex, insisting that they see a documentary on dams instead of a Jennifer Aniston movie and making her pay for her ticket and food. Irritated by Leonard's behavior, Penny begins to flirt with Kevin, a geeky screenwriter. Leonard retaliates by flirting with a woman named Laura. Penny then sabotages Leonard's meeting with Laura, leading to a fight between Leonard and Penny before they decide to return home. Outside the apartment, they apologise to each other and Penny tells Leonard that she actually liked his new-found confidence, but he misses the opportunity to get back together with her by defaulting to his usual deference. Meanwhile, Sheldon, who suffers from ornithophobia, is afraid and upset when he sees that a large Black-throated magpie-jay (incorrectly identified as a blue jay) has made a nest in his apartment windowsill. He tries all means to get rid of the bird, including mimicking a cat's meow and making Howard design an ultrasonic machine to scare away the bird, all of which fail. Eventually he decides to shoo the bird away using a broom, but when he opens the window, the bird enters the apartment and lands on his spot on the couch. A terrified Sheldon then asks Amy and Bernadette to get rid of the bird, but instead they help him overcome his fear by encouraging him to touch the bird. Sheldon soon grows fond of it, calling it "Lovey-Dovey" and decides to keep it as a pet. However, when Sheldon opens the window to shift the bird's nest to his apartment, the bird flies away, to his dismay. The episode ends with Sheldon revealing to Leonard that he found an egg in the nest and expressing his intention to become "a mommy" by incubating the egg.

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ZBZ HOUSE - Casey & Ashleigh's room Casey : Good morning, prez! You all set for your first officers' meeting? Ashleigh : I guess so. How are you doing? Casey : Good. You know, I'm going to have some free time now so I thought I'd get a head start on finals. Ashleigh : I know you better than that. This is crazy awkward, right? You should be president, not me. I didn't even run I have no business being president. You know, I'm going to announce my resignation at the meeting and appoint you. I can do that. Casey : You can't do that. Ashleigh : Really? See? No business. You should've won. Casey : I was so preoccupied with beating Frannie, I never considered what the house really wanted. You won the election, they want you. We'd better get a move on. How would it look if you were late to your first officers's meeting? Ashleigh : Pretty bad, right? Casey : I just... I pass this on to you in the meeting. It's a ritual. It's in he book of rules and rituals. Ashleigh : OK, then, we'd better follow the book. Casey : Which I'll give you at the meeting, too. CRU Rusty : Two more weeks left in freshmen year, isn't that crazy? Which means we only have 2 more weeks to do all the things we wanted to do in the dorm. Dale : Such as? Rusty : We always talked about sleeping overnight in the laundry room dryers. Or sneaking up onto the roof. Dale : No, I've got too much respect for law and country and not enough time for shenanigans. I gotta find my new dorm for next year. I'm leaning toward Appleby and Wohlford, but the bathroom situation is not ideal. I mean, come on. Low-flush toilets? That's not gonna get the job done. Rusty : I thought you'd stay here. Dale : I can't. My new roommate's not in honors engineering. Rusty : You already have a new roommate? Dale : Well, you're shipping off to Kappa Torrid, and I couldn't just wait around and see what kind of nutbag the school stuck me with. Rusty : So who's the lucky guy? Dale : My old purity pledge bro, Kirk. Rusty : The one who goes to Bob Jones University? Dale : Went. It's in South Carolina and the climate wreaked havoc on his adenoids, so he's transferring. But he's more or less the coolest dude I know. Don't mind if he stays with us for a few days? Just to get our routine down. Rusty : Of course not. When are you planning on him coming here? Dale : I don't know exactly. My god, you're crazy. How long you been hiding behind my bed? Kirk : Four and a half hours. Dale : Good one! You're stealthy, man. I always said you should be a sniper! Kirk : I appreciate that, Dale! Rusty : I'm Rusty. Kirk : Right. Dale : Here's what we do, get lunch, take a tour of Appleby, then go to the chapel. Credits ZBZ HOUSE - Meeting room Casey : Welcome everyone to our first post-elections officers meeting. So, I know this past week was... surprising for everyone. But it's time for all of us to look ahead as we transition to our new regime. So in the spirit of passing the torch, I'm proud to pass on the presidential gavel to my best friend and fellow sister, Ashleigh Howard. Sorry, sticky fingers. Anyway, your newly-elected president will now tell you what we, she, has coming this Friday. Ashleigh : This Friday at 7:30, Casey... We... have booked Dobler's for a night of sister bonding and fun before the end of the year! Betsy : Actually, since I'm the new social chair, shouldn't I be the one making that announcement? Ashleigh : Right, yes. I'm sorry. Betsy : It's OK. Laura : Excuse me, point of order! Ashleigh : Yes, Laura? Laura : Shouldn't we look ahead to next year's Rush instead of Dobler's? I mean, I get you were social chair and all but what's going on with fraternity Pref? Have the Omega Chis asked us yet? Ashleigh : I don't think so. Maybe? Casey : The Omega Chis haven't officially Pref'd us yet, that's true. But, I... we... she... has no reason to believe they won't. ZBZ Girl : Who the Omega Chis pick for their first mix is critical for us. It tells the incoming freshman we're the best. Pref sets the social stage for the entire year. Laura : If we don't begin Rush with the number one fraternity on campus, we could be screwed socially. We need this invite. Frannie : I don't mean to jump in, but it's a really simple solution. I can talk to Evan and we'll have that invite in no time. Casey : That won't be necessary, Frannie. It's under control. Moving on. Ashleigh : Right. Moving on. KT HOUSE - Living room Beaver : OK, I got one. Helen Mirren or Judi Dench? Who would you rather? Cappie : Helen Mirren is the obvious choice, but Dame Judi won an Oscar for 13 minutes of screen time. Imagine what she could do to me in an hour. Wade : You gotta choose. Cappie : When the choice is that difficult, there's really only one clear solution... both. Beaver : You can't do that, it's against the rules. Cappie : Come on. I'd love to be a part of that Queen Elizabeth sandwich. Wade : C'mon, you know you're a one-woman man. Cappie : I beg your pardon. Beaver : It's no big deal. You've just kinda turned into a serial monogamist. Cappie : Beav', where'd you even learn that phrase? Beaver : Wikipedia. Wade : Cap', it's not a big deal. So, you like to have one girlfriend. Cappie : Hey, I also like to have s*x with hot chicks. Which I met a few during Speed Dating. Wade : Speed dating? Cappie : I went with Spitter for moral support. Beaver : Look, Wade means that when people call you a serial monogamist... Cappie : Hold on! People call me that? Wade : All the time. Cappie : Really? This is worse than I thought. Serial monogamist is just a stone's throw away from being "the marrying kind." I need to re-establish my reputation as the Titan of Tawdry. I need a threesome. Wade : You can't just make a threesome happen. Cappie : Yes, I can. And guess what? I will. This Saturday night. But I'll need help from both of you. Don't flatter yourselves. CRU - Rusty & Dale's room Rusty : I've got the pepperoni. Kirk : More'zah! Rusty : Thursday's usually our'zah day, Dale. Dale : I totally forgot. God, I'm sorry. I figured you were eating most of your meals, at the frat house by now. Rusty : That'd be next year. Kirk : You're in a fraternity? Dale : Can you believe it? Your buddy Dale has lived a year with a liberal fornicator. Rusty : As opposed to the conservative kind? Why are there chess pieces on my bed? Dale : I figure, since we're going our separate ways, with you choosing to live in that petri dish and me taking the high road... Kirk, you OK? I figured we should divide up the community property. Amicably, of course. I just don't know how to split up the chess board. I don't know if we cut it in half, or just divide up the red and black squares? Rusty : Maybe I could hold onto it until next year, so we could play then? Dale : C'mon fight me for custody of the board? You're not gonna play it at the frat house. They're more the Chutes and Ladders crowd. Kirk : I can actually taste the fennel in the pepperoni. This pizza is fennelicious. Rusty : Fennelicious? Dale : That's funny, right? Kirk's always had a very healthy appetite and quite a facility with language, kind of like James Joyce, with the making up new words. And whatnot. It is fennelicious. Kirk : See? ZBZ HOUSE - Casey & Ashleigh's room Ashleigh : So, a four-hour meeting wasn't a good sign, right? Casey : The house is definitely divided and the Frannie faction seems intent on making your life hell. So does Frannie. She just can't give up. Ashleigh : I can ask Frannie for help ust this once, right? She's still a sister. Casey : No! She's ingratiating herself again. She's using Evan as her weapon. The 1st rule of a good president is never let someone else tell you what to do. Ashleigh : That makes sense. Casey : So here's what you're gonna do... EXT. CRU Rusty : I'm just moving across campus and Dale seems to think I'm going to the moon. And the guy he's planning on replacing me with? "Kirk." Is it just me, or is that a really stupid name? You can never tell if he's saying Kirk or Kurt. So annoying. He also does this play-by-play of every bite of food that he chews. He described his gum as a minty fresh piece of paradise. Calvin : That's a little weird. Rusty : And Dale seems to think he's the second coming. You know what he does for fun? He hides in weird places then he jumps out of them to scare the crap out of Dale. Last night, I got home, I reached into my clothes hamper, and Kirk jumped out. He'd been hiding in there for an hour. I almost had a heart attack. Who does that? Calvin : Apparently, the second coming? Rusty : I'm serious. Calvin : No, I'd say you're jealous. Rusty : Of Dale? Calvin : No, of Kirk. I mean, You're upset that Dale's replacing you. But you've replaced him with an entire fraternity. Rusty : No, I'm not moving out for another two weeks, and I'm not replacing anybody. Living in the house will not affect my relationship with Dale. Calvin : Once you become permanent at KT, everything's supposed to stay the same? Come on, Rusty. Circumstances change, relationships change, life changes. You know, if you want to stay friends with Dale, you gotta just suck it up and get used to Kurt. Rusty : Kirk. DOBLER'S Casey : Remember, keep it casual and only between you, Evan and Dino. Ashleigh : What are you going to do? Casey : I'm just going to sit here in case you get in trouble. Ashleigh : Sounds like a plan. Here they come. Good evening, gentlemen. Thank you both for joining us. Now, let's talk about Pref. Dino : I'm gonna go grab a drink. Text me if you're in over your head. Evan : All right, thanks. Ashleigh : You guys are all transitioned, huh? Evan : Some more than others. Sorry to hear about your loss, Case. I mean, what an upset? Casey : I'm just here for support. Ashleigh : So, Evan, I was wondering when we might expect the Omega Chi Pref invite? Evan : Well, sorry to break it to you gals, but my brothers and I have decided to, you know, shop around a little before committing this year. It's nothing personal. Ashleigh : When do you think you might come to a decision? Casey : Because we're not going to wait forever. We're shopping around, too. Ashleigh : If you had to guess? Evan : It's hard to say when. Casey : Come on, Evan, you guys Pref with us every year. Just cut to the chase, set it, and move on. Evan : We've been getting a lot of attention from other sorities. Casey : Even though your girlfriend is a ZBZ? Evan : As presidents, we have to put the house first. That's right. I keep... Sorry. I keep forgetting you're no longer president, Case. Casey : We're done here. Or I'm done here. Ash, are we done here? Ashleigh : No. I... OK, yeah, I guess we're done here. EXT. CRU Rusty : I can't believe we had to sit in the first row. I don't think my neck will ever recover. Dale : I kinda liked it. It felt like we were right there in the action. Thanks, Kirk! Felt like we were inside the screen. Kirk : I know. That's crazy, right? Dale : Darn it, I forgot my cardigan. I'll be right back. Kirk : Get me some more popcorn! Dude, you gotta try this. This is delicious, with artificial butter flavor, the right amount of salt, and a bit of mustard just for fun. Rusty : No one ever eats Titan popcorn. It's probably been sitting out since 2001, the year. Kirk : Well, I, uh... I guess that's why I came prepared. I'm totally baked right now. Rusty : Baked? Kirk : But I'm actually kind of running a little low. I was wondering if maybe you could, you know, help me out? Rusty : Help you out? With what? Kirk : Can you score me some herb? Dale : This popcorn sucks. Kirk : Give me this. You probably didn't put enough butter on it. Dale : He's so demanding when he's hungry. CRU - Rusty & Dale's room Kirk : Hey, uh, Dale. My battery's dead. Can I borrow your phone for a sec? Dale : Yes. How about a little Trivial Pursuit, Bible Edition? "Eve in garden tempts man with apple and lady parts." What book? Kirk : Maybe later. Dale : Genesis. It was Genesis. Who are you writing to? Kirk : My mom. Dale : Cool. How about a little Bible Boggle? Remember at Youth Group, when you spelled Leviticus and Harvey Brubauer started crying? Bud?!!!!! Kirk : Dale, your pajamas flew out the window. Dale : Must be the lightweight cotton. You know, 'cause my winter flannels never have that problem. All right. I'll be right back. Rusty : What's wrong with you? Kirk : C'mon! Considering you're in a fraternity, I just figured you'd be cool with it. Rusty : Why don't you have this conversation with your future roommate? Kirk : Settle down, it's not like I'm Mr. Wake and Bake. At least not every single day. I just do it to relax. And It also comes in handy with stale popcorn. Rusty : But you're Dale's purity pledge brother. Kirk : But I'm on Rumspringa. Rusty : Isn't that only for the Amish? Kirk : Yes, technically. But I just think God wanted me to take a break. Rusty : You got kicked out of Bob Jones University, didn't you? Kirk : Let's just say we agreed to part company and the only way my parents would send me to school again was if I agreed to come here, room with Dale in the Dooby-Free Shop Rusty : You don't plan on telling him? Kirk : Dale? KT HOUSE - Living room Rusty : So why a 70s theme party? No one here was alive during the 70s. I wasn't even alive during the 80s. Wade : Ah, youth. Cappie : The 70s was when debauchery was invented, Spitter. And tonight I plan to carry on in that same sordid tradition by having myself a threesome. Ben Bennett : Wait. Wasn't debauchery invented in ancient Rome? Beaver : Actually, the modern concept of debauchery defines its origins as the pagan spring equinox of antiquity. Wikipedia. Rusty : You're planning a threesome? Cappie : You can't plan it. That's be sleazy. It's best to create to create a conducive world for the impromptum m nage trois. Rusty : It seems to me that anytime you have three people involved in anything someone's always left out though, right? Cappie : There are worse things than being the odd man out in a threesome. Casey : Yep, I'm definitely in a fraternity house. Cappie : Hypothetically speaking. Casey : Hey, Rus. You got a sec? I'm sorry, I don't know how to start. I usually talk to Ashleigh about this kind of stuff and I know you're going to judge me. Rusty : I don't always judge. Casey : I'm pissed at Ashleigh. Rusty : Cause of the election? That's crazy. It's not like she ran against you. She's your best friend. Casey : I know! I know you're right. I lost. She won. She's my best friend. But I've been working towards this since my sophomore year. All the things I wanted to do to make next year amazing. My last year. And now I can't. I'm jealous of my best friend and it sucks. Rusty : It's better than being jealous of some random kid named Kirk. Casey : Who's Kurt? Rusty : Don't even get me started. He's An old friend of Dale's who's bad news. But if I tell Dale I know it's gonna hurt him. Casey : Like it might hurt Ashleigh if I don't help her get through Pref. Rusty : I mean, but it's for their own good, for us to get involved. Casey : We should always do what's best for friends. Rusty : Yes, even if it might appear to favor us in some way. Casey : Good talk. EXT. CRU Calvin : So, how does it feel to rule the world of Zeta Beta? Ashleigh : It sucks. I think I could be great, but this was always Casey's thing. And now that it's my thing, and I can't help but realize I don't know what the hell I'm doing. Calvin : You've gotta give yourself some time to learn. Ashleigh : It's hard to learn, though, when the only person you ever go to for advice wishes she was doing what you're doing, or trying to do. She's obviously more qualified. Calvin : You know, maybe it'd be best for both of you if you didn't rely on Casey so much. Just go with your gut. Ashleigh : Well, that's why I'm here. I was hoping you'd do what you did last time. Talk to the guys, get them on our side about Pref before any other sorities got involved. Calvin : Every sorority is involved. They've been courting us for the past week. Ashleigh : I wish I could talk to Casey about this. Calvin : Look, I know you're trying to be sensitive to Casey's feelings and all, but you're president. That means you can't stand safely behind in her shadow anymore. And that means you can't take a backseat on any issue, including Pref. You're gonna be the one held responsible for what happens, so you've gotta be the one who's driving the bus. All right? CRU - Rusty & Dale's room Rusty : Where is he? Dale : Who, Kirk? He went to the bathroom a while ago. He spends a lot more time in there han I remember. It may be a fiber issue. Rusty : Last night after the movie, Kirk asked me to score him some herb. Dale : Basil or tarragon? Rusty : Weed. Dale : Like dandelions? Rusty : Marijuana. He's a serious pothead. Dale : Come on. Good one, Rus. That's my BFF, man. I was there and watched him take an oath in front of Pastor Chuck and the entire Baptist youth group to stay away from illegal substances and corrupting influences for all eternity, longer if necessary. Rusty : Look at the signs. He's always hungry. Dale : High metabolism. Rusty : Bloodshot eyes? Dale : Allergies. I told you, that's why he transferred! Rusty : He mistook my slippers for bunnies. Dale : Rusty, they're bunny slippers. It's an easy mistake. All right, you know what, Kirk is my best friend. And he's my pledge bro, and he's my new roommate. And next year we're going to have fun, good wholesome fun, all year, in our room, together. Rusty : Come on, I'm not... Dale : No. I don't have time. Cause Kirk is probably trapped in the stall again, and I have to go help him. Because that's what friends do for each other. ZBZ HOUSE - Living room Laura : Jen F told me that the Gamma Mu's baked a gingerbread replica of the Omega Chi house. And the Pi Delta Epsilons set up a bikini car wash. Betsy : Are they still out there? My car's pretty dirty. ZBZ Girl : This is ridiculous. Frannie should just talk to Evan. Casey : Hang on, guys. Everyone calm down. I have a better idea. Ashleigh : Hey Casey, I've been thinking. And I've decided we should just talk to Frannie. I really... Casey : Don't worry. I have it covered. Trust me. All right, girls, t's time to get it on! OMEGA CHI HOUSE - Living room Evan : Hey, everybody, we've got company. Betsy : The sisters of ZBZ invite all of the Omega Chis to a night of pleasure and pain at Dobler's. The pleasure will be us. And the pain will be provided by that really big boxing pay-per-view on a really, really big screen. Dino : Looks like you have another front-runner for Pref. Evan : Great. Dino : Y'know, there are some things I'm gonna miss about this. OMEGA CHI HOUSE - Evan's room Frannie : Hey, what's going on out there? Evan : Ashleigh, or more likely Casey, just gave us an offer we can't refuse. Frannie : I'm not surprised, but I'm also sure you're gonna continue to hold off the brothers until I make my move. Evan : Well, If I hold off the Pref invite much longer, the guys may actually decide to go with another house, and not ZBZ. The bikini car wash, that was a huge hit. Frannie : Oh, please, the Gamma Psis are almost as slutty as the Tri Pis. Evan : Yeah, but I mean, only you and Calvin see that as a downside Maybe we should Pref with someone else. I mean, Casey would never recover in the house from that. Frannie : But neither would I. Evan : OK, well, you know... I can make up an excuse to make us late tonight, but I can't keep them away forever. Frannie : Trust me, Ashleigh will cave. Evan : You sure you don't have any Chambers blood coursing through those veins? Frannie : Very sure. Evan : You know, I know almost nothing about your family. Frannie : I'm not one to whine about my tragic past. With anyone. I'm gonna go. I'll call you later. KT HOUSE - 70's party Girl : Hey, Wade. Wade : Hey, Rollergirl. Far out. Beaver : I can dig it. Girl : All right. Hey, Cappie. Cappie : Hey, Rollergirl. So, where's this friend you keep telling me about? Girl : I think you'll really dig one another. This is Cappie. Cappie : Excuse me one moment. So, I was thinking, maybe if we just... I'll take that as your third and final "no." Rusty : I tried to warn him, but he wouldn't listen. You know what, he deserves the cheese weasel. Calvin : Did you just say "cheese weasel"? Rusty : I'm moving on. Next year, I'm Dale-free. I'm just glad to be getting out of there alive. Calvin : So, uh, which one of these rooms is gonna be yours? Rusty : Here. Calvin : Rusty, it's a pigsty. Rusty : It's only messy because it's Ferret's room. He's the house slob. Calvin : Is Ferret human? Rusty : Once he moves out, I'll clean it up. It'll be good as new. Beaver : Guys, I found something we can put the extra beer in! Calvin : And what does one have to do to be labeled the house slob of Kappa Tau? Cappie : I said "freeway!" Lisa Lawson! Lisa : Cappie Cappie! Cappie : Just the girl I'm looking for. Really. Do you by any random chance happen to remember a conversation you and I had last year at the Cinco de Mayo party? Lisa : I would love to have a threeway. Cappie : No better time than now. Meet me upstairs. I'll find a m nage for our trois. Heath : Beverage? Calvin : Thanks. You look far-out. Heath : I'll take that. So, how are things with you? Calvin : I'm OK. I'm single now. Which is kinda how I like it. Heath : I totally know how you feel. Calvin : So, uh, it's cool if we're just friends? Heath : How about we're friends that go to Gentleman's Choice together? Calvin : Ah, Good call.There's too many straight horny people around here. Cappie : Great idea, huh? Nice costume. Dale : I'm not wearing a costume. Cappie : Dyn-o-mite! Rusty : Hey, Cap' ! Dale? What are you doing here? Dale : Well, You know, Kirk kind of sensed that there was some tension between us, and, being the peacemaker that he is, he insisted we come find you and clear the air. You know, he once brokered peace between a Presbyterian and a Methodist. Kirk : Hey, I wanna dance! Dale : All right. See, he's so happy that we're talking again that he's dancing to evoke joy. And you know, it's like a fever. It's catching on I don't know. I'm feeling it, too Let's all just dance our anger away. You know? Right, Kirk? All right, is there anything else you want to say to me? Rusty : Glad you came by. Dale : Good, good. Good. Good, good. Well, you know, I'm probably gonna grab Kirk and head back to the dorm, then. We've got a big day tomorrow. We're taking a tour of Benson Hall. Their salad bar has garbanzo beans and pine nuts. He wants to sample both of them. You've seen his appetite. I don't have to tell you. DOBLER'S Casey : Um, They're coming. In certain cultures, like Spain or Los Angeles, 20 minutes late is early. Laura : And we're in Ohio. Casey : Which is exactly why there's nothing to worry about. Frannie : Clearly this wasn't your idea, Ash. Ashleigh : Did Evan say anything to you about coming? Frannie : I'm not sure. He did say some of the guys thought the invite was kind of desperate. But whatever. It's not your fault. You listened to Casey. Are you sure you don't want me to at least call him? Text Evan? Casey : Everything's handled, Frannie. Ashleigh : Maybe we need to ask her... Casey : Don't worry, the Omega Chis will show. Evan doesn't have that much power. See! Guy : Just here for my shift. Ashleigh : That's it, Case.I gotta go with my gut. I'm just... gonna ask Frannie to call Evan. It's fine. Casey : Don't open that door. You've seen what she did to me. Ashleigh : But I'm not you. Casey : Trust me, it's a really bad idea. Ashleigh : As bad as this one? Casey : So, you're taking her side? Ashleigh : I'm taking our side. The house is tired of all the politics and your fight with Frannie. This is a sorority, not the Middle East. They just want peace and a Pref invite from the Omega Chis. Casey : I'm trying to help you. Ashleigh : And I'm president, and I'm making my first executive decision. [SCENE_BREAK] KT HOUSE - 70's party - Cappie's room Girl : Are you sure you want to do this? I mean, a lot of guys would be nervous with two girls. Cappie : Trust me, that wouldn't even begin to describe what I'm feeling right now. Lisa, I want you to meet the third member... Girl : You? Lisa : You? Cappie : Me? Girl : Skank-monster stole my boyfriend last year. Lisa : I didn't steal him. I just had s*x with him. Cappie : Girls, girls, come on. I think I speak for all red-blooded males here when I say let's just kiss and make up. Lisa : This is too weird, Cap. Sorry. Cappie : That's a mood killer. Girl : Actually, I really want to get back at my ex. I'm still in. Cappie : Mood's back! Girl : My sister, Janette, is downstairs. Cappie : Sister? Girl : Sorority. She's mentioned wanting to do this before. Cappie : Thank God for sororities. Girl : I can get her. Cappie : And risk losing you both? You stay right here. I'll go get Janet. Girl : Her name's Janette. Cappie : Whatever. KT HOUSE - 70's party Cappie : Anyone seen a Gamma Psi named Janet? Dale : Well, the smooth waltz certainly has changed. It may be an Austrian version. Yeah, those knee slaps. That's definitely Viennese. Kirk : What's the Hustle? That's a dance, right? We should totally do that! Dale : You know what? This is all your fault. Rusty : Mine? What did I do? Dale : Five minutes in your little den of iniquity and you've driven Kirk insane. Kirk : Who wants chimichangas? Dale : Oh, That's smart. With all his dancing, he brought an electrolyte infused sports drink to stay quenched. Rusty : Smell it. Dale : It's rather pungent. Rusty : It's tequila! Dale : You know, maybe one of your KT bros planted it on him. Rusty : Dale, will you face the facts? Kirk is wasted. He drinks and he smokes pot and God knows what else! Dale : You're making up lies. Rusty : You're completely blind. Dale : You wanna take this outside, cowboy? Rusty : We're already outside. Dale : Good. Cop : Break it up, boys. Is that an open container of alcohol? Rusty : It's OK. I'll handle this. Dale : I'll handle this. Kirk. Kirk : Got it. Cop : Let's see some Ids. Kirk : You don't need to see their Ids. KT HOUSE - Cappie's room Cappie : Chrissy, I found Janet! Janette : Janette. Cappie : Whatever. Hey, she... she's gone. Janette : Yes, but I'm not. Cappie : No, but we should find Chrissy. Janette : Oh, she's probably just grabbing a drink. Cappie : Did you hear a knock on the door? Was that us? Janette : Fine, you big baby. I'll find Chrissy and we'll do your damn threesome. Cappie : Thank you. Just come and knock on my door when you get back. CRU - Jail Dale : You know, Kirk, I think we just gotta look on the bright side here. 'Cause now you can get clean and sober before school starts. We won't miss a day being roommates. We'll never watch the E! Channel again. 'Cause it is full of temptation. You know, with all the aging trollops and, anyway, and then me and the other PP brothers can come down to rehab over the summer, next year we can all sing the praises of restraint and abstinence together. Rusty : Hey ! Kirk : Dale! Dale! Stop! Stop! Don't you get it? I've changed. I don't want to be Mr. Goody-two-shoes anymore. I don't want to be your roommate and I don't want to be your friend. Dale : I can manage my own friendships. Rusty : I'm not trying to tell you how to manage your friendships. I just want to tell this guy that he's a douche and he's an idiot and you have no idea who you're turning your back on. You don't! Dale : Hey ! Turnkey! When're we getting sprung from this godforsaken hellhole? Cop : Right now. Kettlewell and Cartwright? You're clean and free to go. You have a stupid name. DOBLER'S Ashleigh : Well, the guys made it. Casey : My lemon drop and I are happy for you. I do wish you luck, however Ashleigh : Why? We got the Omega Chis. All I had to do was ask Frannie for a little help. Casey : There's no asking Frannie for a little anything. Ashleigh : Case, it's time to make peace and move on. Casey : Wars aren't over when one side stops fighting. Look around. Frannie's the hero. Maybe If she's feeling generous she'll give you back the silver platter you served us up on. Ashleigh : So, now it's all my fault Frannie's in charge? Casey : No, it's much worse than that. Since we base our entire identity as a house on the Omega Chis, it's our fault that the new president of Zeta Beta Zeta is Evan Chambers. I'm going home. KT HOUSE - Cappie's room Cappie : Who's ready for round two? Wade : Round two? Cappie : What? We... We didn't... You, um... Beaver : These two crazy girls hooked up with Jeremy in our room last night. And every extra bed was taken. Wade : So we bunked here. Cappie : Uncomfortable moment averted. We didn't have round one, did we? Beaver : No. Wade : Of course not. Cappie : Never. Wade : Definitely not. Beaver : Probably not. Cappie : Excellent. Breakfast? Nice pajamas, Beav. Beaver : Thank you. They floated down from the sky. The cotton's really lightweight. Little itchy, though. ZBZ HOUSE - Dining room Casey : Hey Ashleigh, I wanted to tell you that... Betsy : Big news! Evan just called, and the Omega Chis are inviting us to Pref tonight. Laura : Looks like it worked, Frannie. Ashleigh : Before we all get excited about the Omega Chis, I've already asked the Lambda Sigs to come by so we can accept their invite to Fraternity Pref. Frannie : The Lambda Sigs? You've got to be kidding. Laura : They're the number two house on campus. Ashleigh : Sure, now. But maybe by Preffing with us, they'll become number one. Frannie : Yeah, that's not how it works. The Omega Chis are number one. Ashleigh : Really? Well, not according to a girlfriend of mine. See, my friend is the one who dictates who's cool. Laura : What? Ashleigh : Nope, it's not Casey. You see, this friend has never cared what other people thought of her. And you know what? Everyone fell in love with her for it. Frannie : And she lived where? Fantasyland? Ashleigh : I don't think Fantasyland would've had her, Frannie. See, she spent years with a vial of blood around her neck, and during the biggest night of her life she made out with her own brother. Frannie : Great, OK, so she's a freak too. Why don't we rush her right after we get done pairing up with the Lamda Sigs? Ashleigh : No, we're not going to rush her, because she... is Angelina Jolie. Betsy : Ashleigh's friend with Angelina Jolie? Casey : No, I think she's an analogy. Betsy : I thought she was an actress. Ashleigh : See, after Angelina ditched Billy Bob, she stopped letting guys define her. She got cool, all on her own. Casey : And it's not because she's with Brad Pitt. Even though it doesn't hurt. Ashleigh : The fact is, we can be like Angelina. We can be unique and cool and crazy and weird and generous and totally gorgeous too. Frannie : Ashleigh, now's not exactly the time for an us Weeklyrecap. Ashleigh : I want to know... why we're letting a bunch of guys define us? We'll choose what's awesome and who's cool and we'll choose who's number one. We can have it all, because we can be Angelina Jolie, too! EXT. ZBZ HOUSE Omega Chi Guys : (Singing) Brothers in our garden true Forever in unity Omega Chi, here we are Betsy : Hello, guys, hi. I'm Betsy, for those of you who don't know me. I'm the new social chair. Omega Chi Guys : Hi, Betsy. Betsy : So, we really appreciate your invitation to Pref next year. But we've voted and we're going to turn you down. Oh, and it's because of Angelina Jolie. Omega Chi Guy : Angelina Jolie is a ZBZ? CRU - Calhoun Hall Rusty : Dale, wait. Why won't you talk to me? Dale : I'm getting used to the sound of my own company. Rusty : Come on. Seriously. Dale : No, 'cause you were right about Kirk. I didn't want to see it. Rusty : You were right, too. I didn't want to think anything would be different when we're not roommates anymore. But it will be. Dale : Yeah, I know, hence my embrace of solitude and reinforcement of personal space. Rusty : I'm not going to disappear, or turn into a drug addict. Dale : You still up for a trip to that roof? Rusty : What about your respect for law and country? Dale : Come on, man, we've already done hard time. What's the worst that can happen now, huh? Rusty : I was just thinking the same thing. We should do something. Dale : Yeah. Rusty : Something dramatic. Dale : OK, OK. Rusty : Let's sing the school fight song. Dale : All right. You ready? Two, three, four. Both : Far above the hills and valleys... Dale : What are you doing? These look like hills? These are mountains. Rusty : We should put "learn the CRU fight song" on our list of things to do before we move out. Dale : Let's just... let's just put it on our list of things to do together next year. ZBZ HOUSE - Living room Casey : Let me get that, Madame President. Ashleigh : I'd feel better if we'd won the decision to turn down the Omega Chis by more than three votes. Casey : Well, you won the presidency by one vote. Now you're up by three. It just means you're making progress. Ashleigh : It's going to be a little scary, not being able to rely on the Omega Chis. Casey : Ash, you're my president. And my best friend. I want to help. Sometime's it's hard when things change and you don't want them to. Ashleigh : But you're OK with it? Casey : More than I was last week. It's going to take a little time. But I promise I'll be OK. Eventually. CRU - Calvin's room Evan : Calvin Owens! Hell Week, buddy. Let's go. Awkward. Come on, let's go, let's go. Get up, Calvin, let's go! Come on! CRU - Dale & Rusty's room Rusty : Kirk? Is that you? Cappie : Two things, Pledge. First of all, when you're wearing pantyhose on your head, never wear control top. Second of all, welcome to Hell Week. Your ass is mine! Get him out of here Dale : Hey, Chip. Cappie : Hey, Dale.

Ashleigh is challenged adjusting to her new role as ZBZ president, which Frannie uses to her advantage. Dale introduces Rusty to his old buddy, Kirk ( Dan Byrd ), but when Rusty discovers Kirk's substance dependency , it causes a rift in his friendship with Dale. Cappie tries to reclaim his status as a ladies' man.

fd_The_Mentalist_01x06

fd_The_Mentalist_01x06_0

Nevada-California State Line Cho: That damn GPS is gonna put us in California, Rigsby: I knew it. -Think positive. It's Nevada. Definitely Nevada. Cho: You're dreaming We won't catch it. Stone cold mystery. Van Pelt: Hey. Friends in the authority is running through the prints. Think we'll be able to get a quick match. Rigsby: Hehe, we could never get that lucky. Well, we're gonna be talking to the hand for a long while. Jane: Why is all the gloom? A case is a case. Rigsby: We are in the middle of nowhere, windy as all hell, I haven't eaten anything. God, the smelly reserved bitch. It's been a month assembling the victim, there's all these pieces missing. Jane: There's already plenty to work with, right here. Van Pelt: It's a right hand with the number "43" on it. Rigsby: It's a male hand, or a not very thin female. What else do we got to work with right here? There's not much for analysis. Jane: Let's see, it's probably a white man, mid-fifties. He wrote on his right hand, so he's a lefty. Cho: Maybe the killer wrote some kind of message. Jane: Too faded, and a killer would write it bigger. Lisbon: Consultant.. Jane: Smells of almond, oil, moisturizer, mastic cologne and tobacco, palms are subtle, nails are professionally maintained, so a rich man. There's a faded tan line on the little finger, so we are missing pinkie ring which suggests extra work , in a job where extra works thrive. Van Pelt: So... Jane: He's a upper manager at the hotel and gambling business Cho: Total guess. Jane: What do you wanna bet I'm right? Cho: 35 cents. Jane: 35 cents? Cho: Yeah. Jane: I find that hard to believe considering huge crayon bank u probably hid behind ur bedroom door that could have been filling with all the spare changes you could have accumulated since you were what, 15? Cho: 35 cents, take it or leave it. Jane: I'll take it. You've got a bet. Cho: Alright. Van Pelt: I don't think it's right to bet on such things. That's a human being that died. Rigsby: That's ok. We're in Nevada. You're in California, yeah, it would be wrong. But here, in Nevada, it's OK to gamble on body parts. Lisbon: The hand is three feet into the state of California so he's our baby. Rigsby: Hooray! Lisbon: Yeah, right. Get our friend bags and tags and let's get outta here. Van Pelt: Do we have an ideal list? Lisbon: The print says that it's James Quency Meier. He runs the Quelita Resort & Casino. Come on. Jane: Thank you. (He laughing) Meier's house Ann Meier: Are you certain that he isn't still out there alive? Lisbon: Yes, forensics evidence supports the hand being severed postmortem. Daniel: The rest of his body? Lisbon: We're looking. Ann: It doesn't seem real. Lisbon: When was the last time you saw your husband? Ann: Yesterday-tuesday morning. Jim would often stay overnight at the resort if he needed to be there late to resolve an issue, or, you know, but he would call and let me know that he was- He was gonna stay so I wouldn't worry. Van Pelt: We understand that Mr. Meier didn't have a cell phone. Ann: He didn't believe in them. Van Pelt: So was it him that called this house from a casino phone at, um, 8:05 tuesday night? Ann: Yes. He was just checking in. Daniel: Casinos run 24 hours a day, so jim did the same. I think I saw jim more than they did. Van Pelt: You work at the casino as well? Jessica: Dan is a v.I.P. Guest services executive. Daniel: I'm a glorified house player. Jessica: It's more than just that, daniel. Van Pelt: What's a house player? Daniel: Jim pays me to herd the whales- the big money gamblers. I play with casino money to break the ice, get the heavy action going. It's a good, steady gig. Keeps me out of trouble. Lisbon: When was the last time you saw jim? Daniel: Same as ann- yesterday on the casino floor. Jane looks at photos, Jessica comes in Jane: You dad knew Sinatra? Jessica: Sure. Uh, Sinatra kissed me right here on my first birthday party. That's what dad always said, anyhow. Jane: But you didn't believe him? Jessica: Figured there'd be a photo. Jane: He wasn't around much when you were growing up, was he? Jessica: What makes you say that? Jane: Figured there'd be a photo. Jessica: He wasn't around a lot. But he loved me. I know he did. He just... He didn't have a whole lot of time. Lisbon: The number 43 was written on Mr. Meier's hand. Any idea what the significance of that might be? Ann: No idea. Daniel: Damn! Stupid son of a bitch went for the 2-point conversion. Excuse me. Get me a scotch, would you, hon? Daniel gets up Lisbon: Can you think of anybody who might want to harm your husband? Ann: Jim was a well-liked man, but he stuck to his principles, and that's a dangerous thing to do in his business. Lisbon: Is there a specific instance you're thinking of? Ann: No, no. It's just a feeling Jessica: Mom, it's a hotel/casino and not a crack house. The mafia's not running anything anymore. Ann: So you say. Van Pelt: Robbery might have been a motive. Did he carry a lot of cash on him? Did he wear expensive jewelry? Ann: No. He didn't need cash. Jim's word was money (She begins cry). He wore a ring on his pinkie finger... And a lucky $100,000 chip on a string around his neck. That's all. Lisbon: That's a lot of money. Was the chip legal tender? Ann: In the casino, yes, but only in the casino. Lisbon: Can you give us an exact description of the chip? We want to alert the casino cashiers. Ann: Yes. We have a photo of it for the insurance company. I was going through all of the papers... Here it is. Lisbon: Thank you. Lisbon, Jane and Van Pelt are in casino Lisbon: (She calling) Any more body parts show up? Rigsby: Nothing so far. Possibly the hand was the only piece cut off. Lisbon: Does that match up to any similar cases in the past? Rigsby: Well, this is where it gets interesting. There several cases like this where a hand was purposely left to be found. They're all reno and las vegas-based and involved organized crime. None are more recent than... Ten years ago. They do it to people who get their hands caught in the till. Lisbon: Mafia, great. Thanks. (She closes phone) Matt: Agent lisbon? Matt Etienne. I'm head of security. Lisbon: This is agent Van Pelt and Mr. Jane from our team. Jane: Hi. Matt: Well, as you can imagine, we're all still pretty shell-shocked around here. Lisbon: I'm sorry for your loss. Matt: Well, if you'll all follow me? The casino's on the nevada side of the resort and offers full-service gaming. We recently spent $10 million upgrading the facilities to improve the customers' experience. Jane: They use the same techniques in state-of-the-art animal husbandry to make the cows and sheep feel comfortable. Matt: Really? Jane: Dim lights, soft music, a maze of passages that lead you back to the pens, or, in this case, the slots. Matt: Ooh, don't hold back. Speak your mind. Jane: There's no clocks or windows anywhere so there's no passage of time. Low-priced alcohol is poured down you by attractive young women. Oxygen is pumped into the place to make you stay awake, and the constant symphony of bells and sirens that make it seem like someone's winning all the time. Matt: Ah, but someone is always winning you see, our machines and our games are carefully designed to let every gambler have a taste of victory- just enough sugar to keep 'em pumping their money into the machines and onto the tables. So what's your point? Jane: Oh, no point. I love it. (They Laugh) Player: Well, ladies, ladies, give me love. Give me some love. Jane: Who's that? Matt: Cal trask- a very serious gambler and an honored guest. Jane: A whale? Matt: Exactly, a whale. Jane (to Lisbon): You guys are going to be going over a bunch of boring files now, I expect. So, uh, I think I'll work here, play a little, get the lay of the land. Give me 100 bucks, would ya? Lisbon: I don't think that's such a good idea. Jane: Sure you do. Come on. I'll give it back to you double. Lisbon: Look, here's $100, but you'll give me back double, right? Jane: Triple. (He takes and kisses money) Player: Oh, yeah, baby. Jane: Hi. I'm Patrick. Croupier: Hi, Patrick. Control room of casino Van Pelt: I accessed Meier's calendar. The day he disappeared he listed an 8:30 p.M. Meeting with the notation "43," last meeting of the day. Lisbon: There we go with the number 43 again. See if you can cross-reference it with anything else. Van Pelt: Okay. Lisbon: Matt? Matt: Yes? Lisbon: From what we understand, a hand being discovered like this is an old-school mafia signature. Matt: Yes, I've heard the same thing. Lisbon: It means an individual got caught with his hand in the till. Matt: You don't seriously believe that that's what happened to jim . Don corleone had him whacked? Lisbon: Who owns this casino? Matt: Our owners are a million or so good american men and women who are shareholders in our parent company. Wise guys lost control of gambling in Nevada a long time ago. Room of casino, Jane playing Jane: Hit me. Croupier: 17. Jane: Hit me. Croupier: 21. (Jane smile) Well done, Patrick. Jane: Thank you. (He pushes his chips) Could we change this up for $1,000 chips, please? Jane walks in the casino and he sits at the Black Jack table Jane: Hi. My name is patrick. Croupier: Hi, patrick. Control room. They receive a call Man: Mr. Etienne, we have a possible code 9 at table 43. Lisbon: What's a code 9? Matt: Cheating. I'll be right there. Lisbon: Table 43? On the video , Jane plays at table 43 Jane: Blackjack! Cal: Keep squeezin' 'em, baby. Make 'em squeal! (Jane laugh) Come on, ladies. Matt arrives Matt: Mr. Jane, may I have a word with you? Jane: Just a minute. Lisbon: Jane! Jane: I'm on a streak. Matt: Yes, you are, and we're really wondering what your secret is. Jane: There's no secret. I'm memorizing the cards Matt: Yes, well, Mr. Jane, we don't like people doing that. Jane: Is having a good memory illegal? Matt: No, it's not. We can only congratulate you on your good luck and bar you from the establishment in the future. Jane: Oh, okay. Well, that was fun while it lasted.(To matt) By the way, I hate to be a telltale, but alexandra is robbing you blind. Matt: Excuse me? Jane: She's cheating. She's flashing her hidden card to the big guy on the end of the table, and when that didn't work, she's dealing the rest of the table cards from just underneath the top of the deck and holding back the top cards for him. (To Alexandra) I think this is mine. Just one sec. Jane: Thank you. Good luck. Good luck. Good luck. At the CBI, Jane arrives Rigsby: Ah, the hustler returns. Lisbon says you won a whole bunch of money. Jane: Oh, I didn't do too badly. Rigsby: How much you win? Jane: About $250,000. Van Pelt: You won $250,000? Jane: Yeah. Are they talking to the dealer lady? Van Pelt: Yes. Interrogation room, Cho and Alexandra are there Cho: Very impressive scheme you set up with your cousin mose- 60% on anything under 5 grand, 50/50 on anything above. You must be living pretty large. Alexandra: If by "large" you mean saving up to buy my mom a new live before she dies, then sure, living real large. That big twerp told you all of that? Cho: Started singing like menudo the minute he sat down. Alexandra: Oh, good help is so hard to find. Cho: Meier was on to you. That's what the meeting was for. He probably fired you on the spot, didn't he? It's pretty ballsy to come back in to work after something like that. Only someone who knew he'd been killed would do that. Alexandra: I didn't kill him. Cho: Then how did you know before everyone else here that he was dead, Alexandra? Alexandra: I didn't. I came back to beg for my job. When I heard what happened, I realized that no one knew about our meeting, so I went back to work. I need this job. Cho: Losing your job, going to jail- who's gonna look after your mom and that's a prospect that would make anyone upset. And if you had a moment of insanity, I can understand that. Anyone can understand that. Alexandra: I didn't kill him. Jane: I wonder why Meier didn't talk to Etienne about her. As head of security, she's ultimately his responsibility. Libson: Maybe he figured Etienne was in on it with her. Cho: Where did you go after your talk with Meier? Alexandra: I spent the rest of the night at the hospital with my mother. Jane comes in the interrogation room Jane: Uh, sorry to interrupt. Uh, quick question- When Meier asked you if Matt Etienne was involved in your scam, what did you tell him? Alexandra: I told him that Mr. Etienne had nothing to do with it Jane: But he does, doesn't he? Alexandra: No. Jane: Thanks. You can go. Cho: She can? Lisbon: She can? In Lisbon's office Lisbon: She can go, can she? Jane: I'm sorry. Lisbon: The nevada gaming commission's gonna want to charge her with gaming violations. Why should we let her go? Jane: Why do we get so hung up on every little law someone breaks? Lisbon: Because we're officers of the law? Jane: Also because Matt Etienne is lying. Now you can call him and tell him that Alexandra Yee cooperated with us, and based on what she had to say, we'd like to speak to him first thing in the morning. Lisbon: Okay, but if he is in cahoots with alexandra, he's just gonna call her and ask her what she said. Jane: And she will swear blind she said nothing which will make out friend Matt even more suspicious. Why did we let her go if she gave us nothing? She must have told us the truth. Lisbon: Which is... Jane: Eh, details, details. He gets two boxes out of his bag Lisbon: What is it? Jane: Open it. It's not a fake turd or anything. Van pelt, catch. Lisbon: What is this? Jane: Carbon placed under extreme pressure. Lisbon: We can't keep this stuff. Van Pelt: We can't? Lisbon: It's against regulations. Jane: No, it's not. Why would it be? I won the money fair and square, and I spent it fair and square. Where do the regulations come into it? Cho: So where's our stuff? Jane: Your stuff? Cho: Well, you didn't just get stuff for the ladies. That'd be creepy. Jane send stuff to Cho and Rigsby Jane: Who's your daddy? Rigsby: Thanks, man. Cho: Thanks. Now it must be worth a lot of money, because this is the ugliest watch I've ever seen. Jane: It's horrible. I asked for the most expensive watches they had. Rigsby: Thanks, man. Jane: All right, let's go. I got us a table booked at the best restaurant in town. Apparently, they tell you the name of the cow your steak came from. Van Pelt: That's horrible. Lisbon: Forget the steaks. We're on a case. We can't be seen living it up in fancy restaurants. Jane: Good point. Uh, okay. Little place on the way back to calida. Let's go. At the restaurant, boys playing Van Pelt: So you really won all of this by memorizing cards? You didn't have cards up your sleeve or anything? Jane: No. That would be cheating. Just memory. Van Pelt: How? That's impossible. Jane: Not at all. Anyone can do it. I'm gonna raise you three. Van Pelt: How? Jane: In my mind, I've made every card in the deck into a vivid character. Jack of hearts-a ballet dancer with devil's horns. 2 of diamonds- a duck smoking a cigar. Like that. Rigsby: Why a duck? Jane: Doesn't matter. Every card is a living thing. Every position in the deck is a location in my memory palace. Rigsby: Okay, what's a memory palace? Jane: It's a place that is so clear in your mind that you can walk all around it in your head. Everybody's palace is different. Has to be big and detailed and vivid. My palace is a midwest carnival circuit, I used to travel with my father. Lisbon: Your people are carny folk. You're finally starting to make sense to me. Jane (laughing): Not exactly. It's a long story. My point-if the tenth card in the deck is a jack of hearts, I see a devil-horned dancer at the joplin, missouri, fairgrounds. Cho: I'll see you. Lisbon: Excuse me. Van Pelt: I can't see how that works. Jane: Here. Shuffle these. Rigsby's holding 2 pair- 6s and 9s. Cho-my old friend Cho here- is hoping for his fifth spade to make up his flush. Deal the river card and watch him get it. It's the fifth spade, they laugh, Cho wins Jane: Too hot for me. Cho: Another hand? Rigsby: Nah. Kind of takes the fun out of it when you're playing with a swami. Lisbon: All right, guys, it's been fun playing dress-up, but playtime's over. Cho: Sorry, boss, what do you mean Lisbon: This. It's kind of a waste, don't you think? Jane: Well, I would have bought world peace if I could. They didn't have it at the casino gift store. Very limited range of items for sale. Lisbon: You know what I mean. Jane: I know those emeralds look lovely with your eyes. Lisbon: Thank you. It's beautiful, but I can't keep it. Jane: I understand. Van Pelt: Yeah, you're right. Good night. Lisbon: Good night. Jane: Good night. Van Pelt and Lisbon get up Cho: I'm not giving mine back! Rigsby: No way! Jane: That's my boys. Live it up! Rigsby: Live it up! [SCENE_BREAK] It's the morning, Jane is out. His phone rings Jane: Hey, lisbon. Lisbon: Where are you? Jane: Oh, just taking a walk. Lisbon: Ann wants to come clean. Jane: I knew it. She had that air about her. Lisbon: If you knew it, why didn't you tell us? Jane: It's an exaggeration. I had a strong hunch. If I told you about every hunch, you'd get very irritated. Meier's House Ann: Matt Etienne tells me that, uh, one of his employees may have shared rumors about him and me. I wanted to be the first to clarify the matter for you, and I wanted jessica and daniel to be here so that you understand there's no subterfuge here. Lisbon: Okay. Ann: Yes, I was having an affair with Matt Etienne. But I didn't murder jim. Jane: You knew about the affair? Jessica: Yeah. I knew about it, but I didn't like it. But I understood, because dad was never there for mom... Or me. Jane: So no subterfuge, except for jim. Ann: I'm not proud of it. Jessica: Matt was there for mom when dad wasn't. Lisbon: How long had the affair been going on? Ann: Two years. Lisbon: Do you think that Matt did this to clear the field with you? Ann: No. No. Jane: Maybe he had the idea that that's what you wanted him to do. Jessica: No. You have no right to say such things 'cause my mother is not some sort of... Daniel: Hey. Hey. Hush. Ann: I betrayed my husband. I lied to him. But I loved him, and I did not wish him dead. Ask Matt and he'll tell you the same thing. Lisbon: We will. Thanks. Girls get up, Jane speaks to Daniel Jane: Uh, listen, uh... I don't want agent lisbon to hear about this. She doesn't really approve of my gambling. Daniel: No? Jane: No. I was hoping that maybe you could set me up in a good, high-stakes game of poker. You know, with someone like cal trask, you know, a whale. Daniel: I heard about your hot hands on the casino floor. Jane: Yeah, I'm feelin' lucky. Daniel: I can set you up, sure. Jane: Appreciate it. All right. Mum's the word. CBI is at Etienne's house Matt: I'm guessing that you're not just in the neighborhood. Lisbon: Mr. Etienne, I have a warrant to search your property. Jane: That's a sweet boat. Lisbon: You let that dealer, alexandra yee, run her scam because she knew about you and mrs. Meier. Isn't that so? And she threatened to tell Mr. Meier if you fired her. Matt: That's about the size of it, yeah. Lisbon: Why didn't you tell us you were involved with mrs. Meier from the start? We were bound to find out. Matt: Because it's not pertinent. Jim knew that ann was out of their relationship a long time ago. The two of them came to an understanding. He was married to his job. So what me and ann have between us, it's nobody's business but our own. Jane: Been doing a little work on the place? Matt: No. Jane: Look at this. You see, the footprints going that way are deeper than the footprints coming this way. Matt: Yeah. Jane: Which means someone carried something heavy into your garage, but they didn't bring it out. They enter the garage Jane: Whoo! Look at you. You got some stuff. The fridge .(He looks at car) That is nice. Lisbon opens, Meier is there CBI, interrogation room Cho: Let's start at 8:00 p.M. The night jim Meier was murdered and stuffed in your fridge. Matt: I called ann from the casino at around 8:00 p.M. When I saw that jim's car was still parked at the resort. Now that normally meant that he was staying the night, so we agreed to meet at 12:30 that night. Cho: But you left work at 11:00 p.M. What did you do with the 90 minutes? Matt: I went home, changed clothes and just relaxed a while Cho: Calida's a small town. There was plenty of time for you and ann to bash his head in, dump the hand and hide the body before going to your hideaway. Matt: I never meet ann at my house. Cho: That's very delicate of you. Matt: We always met at the piney branch motel. It's on route 6. That's where we were that night. Cho: The m.E. Says jim was killed sometime between the hours of 10:00 p.M. And 1:00 a.M. that's right in the sweet spot of your free time. Matt: I didn't kill him. Cho: Was she giving you half of his estate if you made him disappear? Matt: I have my own money. I don't need any of jim's. Cho: But you needed his wife. Matt: It's not like that. Lisbon: It's exactly like that. You wanted jim's life, so you took it out from under him. Matt: Look, the last time I saw jim, he was watching his whale tapes. He gets all of his surveillance footage on dvds, and he watches it night and day, trying to figure out what makes them tick, keep 'em on the hook. Jim was obsessed with the casino. That's what he loved, not Ann. He didn't care what she did. interrogation ends Van Pelt: Lisbon, we got the autopsy report back on Meier. Died of blunt force trauma to the head. Apparently, he was hit several times with a heavy cylindrical object like a pipe or a bat. There were also abrasions around his neck like something was ripped off-his $100,000 poker chip, I assume. Lisbon: Check the piney branch motel see if Ann Meier and Matt Etienne were there when he said they were. Van Pelt: Okay. Lisbon: Rigsby, jim Meier was spying on his guests, kept all the footage on dvd. Maybe he saw something he shouldn't have. Go to his office and see if you can locate the footage. Rigsby: Yes, boss. Lisbon: And check up on Jane. Jane is in a game of poker Cal: Thank you, darlin'. Women: You're welcome. Daniel: Gentlemen, this is my friend Patrick Jane, come to play some cards with us tonight if everyone's agreeable. Cal: Good to see you. Want a sandwich? Hey, Freddy, bring over some sandwiches. Freddy: Kiss my ass. Cal: Sit down. Sit down. You want to play, too, Danny boy? Daniel: Thought I might. Freddy: How you feeling, goldilocks? Feeling lucky? Jane: I'm sorry. Are we here to share our feelings or to play cards? Cal: Boom! Watch out, Freddy. They laugh Office's Meier, Cho and Rigsby are there Cho: Anything over there? Rigsby: I got nada. We're gonna have to go through these books. Cho take his cellphone Rigsby: Who are you calling? Game of poker, Jane's cellphone rings Nancy: Aces and 3s. Flush wins. Jane: Ah. New girlfriend. He picks up Cho: Jane. Rigsby: Ask him how much he's winning. Jane: Not the best timing. Just deal me out of this next hand, please. Cal: Oh, we'll wait. Cho: What are you doing? Jane: Harpooning a whale. Talk fast. Cho: Yeah, we're in Meier's work office. He was watching a surveillance dvd the night he died. We think it might be in a book, but there's about 500 books. Jane: Are they in any kind of order? Cho: Yeah, there's a lot of military history, gaming theory, reference section. Jane: Try the bible or "robert's rules of order." Cho: Okay, thanks. Jane hangs up Cho: Hey, how much have you... He didn't say. Jane: Sorry about that. (To Freddy) Nice win. Women. Cal: Yeah, women. Nancy: $1,000 to you, sir. Cho finds DVD in the book Rigsby: I don't care what he says. That man is psychic. Cho: Right. They look at the video Rigsby: Room 706. That's cal trask's suite. Cho: I see her. Rigsby: Working girl. Cho: She looks familiar, though. Rigsby: Why, that's jessica Meier, isn't it? The victim's daughter? Cho: Dressed for a party. There's no cake or balloons. CBI, Lisbon and Jessica Lisbon: Here's you arriving at trask's hotel suite at 1:30 in the morning. And here's you leaving 45 minutes later. Care to comment on that? Jessica: No. Where did you get this? Lisbon: From the way you're dressed, it appears that some sort of sexual transaction took place. Jessica: No. Lisbon: Okay, I was guessing. What did take place? Jessica: Nothing. Lisbon: We looked into your financial situation. It's bad. You and your husband are swimming in credit card debt. You've refinanced your house three times in the past two years. You even had a car repossessed. Jessica: We hit a rough patch. Lisbon: Why? Where'd the money go? Jessica: Daniel is a professional gambler. He has his ups and downs, you know, as in any business. Lisbon: Jessica, your father was watching this video the night he died. Jessica: Oh, my god. Lisbon: What does that make you think? Jessica: I don't know. Lisbon: Makes me think this video had something to do with his death. Return to game of poker Cal: All in. Daniel: Call. Jane: Call. Cal plays his cards Nancy: Three 8s. Daniel plays his cards Nancy: Full house. Jane: Damn. He plays his cards Nancy: Triple 9s. Full house wins. Daniel: Sorry, Cal. Cal: You got me, kid. Daniel: Guess so. Cal: One win each. You and me are gonna have to play a decider. Daniel: Sure thing. Cal: Patrick. Jane: Cal. Cal: Good night, freddy. Daniel: Man, we took him for a lot of money. Jane: Yes, we did. I took most of it, but you didn't do too bad. Daniel: Horse pucky, dude. It was me, skinned him. Jane: Whatever, kid. Daniel: Let's go. Heads-up. Jane: Oh, no, no. Rain check for me. Daniel: What's the matter, my friend? You scared? Jane: Open up a fresh pack, nancy, would you? Cal walks into the casino, Rigsby and Cho stop him Rigsby: Cal Trask? We're C.B.I. Agents. Cal: Good for you. Cho: We're investigating the murder of jim Meier. We'd like to ask you a few questions. Cal: Ohh. Ask 'em quick. I've been up for 48 hours. I just lost $180,000. I need to brush my teeth and go to bed. They go to Meier's office and see the video Cal: Jim was spying on me? Rigsby: On all his V.I.P. Guests, 24/7. This is what he was watching the night he died. Cal: Son of a bitch. Rigsby: Explain for us the nature of your relationship with Jessica Meier-Cardera. Cal: It's a large question. Hard to say. Cho: Okay. More specifically, why did she come to your room in the middle of the night dressed like a hooker? Cal: Think I'll hold my peace on that. If she has something she wants to tell you, she will, I guess. Rigsby: We're thinking maybe Jim was peeved, maybe came to have a word with you about screwing his only daughter. Maybe things escalated, and maybe you got in a fight. Accidents happen. Cal: Your thinking is wrong. Cho: You can see how it looks, though. Cal: Okay. Stop the train. I'll get off here. Night before this happened, I was playing a table stakes game with Daniel, her husband. Man's a degenerate gambler. Degenerate. Anyway, I cleaned him out, but he wouldn't quit. Wants to keep playing, but he's got no collateral, and I don't trust him for an i.O.U. So he says he'll put up his wife against 50 grand... The sexual favors of his wife. Rigsby: As collateral on a poker game? Cal: Yep. So I said sure. I mean, action's action, and jessica Meier is a nice piece of pie. Cho: She's very attractive. Cal: Anyway, Daniel and I play again. Naturally, I beat him again. He backed his word. I'll give him that. He said he was gonna send her over to my room the next night, and he did. The man's a second-rate card player, but he knows how to control his womenfolk. Rigsby: She came to your room, and then what? Cal: I took what was owed me. Rigsby: You had sexual intercourse with her? Cal: Yeah. Cho: How did she feel about that? Cal: Not super enthusiastic. Willing... 100% willing... But not happy. Hey, a bet's a bet, right? Return to the game of poker Daniel: So I have to win this hand to stay in, huh? Jane: Uh, I guess you do. The glass falls, Nancy and Daniel look round Daniel: Check. Jane: $2,000. Daniel: Call. Jane: Excuse me. He takes a look at Daniel, sees his cards and thinks he'll win Daniel: I'll take one. Jane: Two. Thank you. That good, huh? Oh, wow. That good. Daniel: That good. I can't lose. Jane: Well, it's a shame you got diddly-squat to bet with. What's the bet, kid? Daniel: I forgot. (He takes out Meier's chip) The bet, my friend, is $105,000. $105,000. Jane: And I see you. Daniel: You should trust me when I tell you things. (He puts his cards) I told you I couldn't lose. Four kings. Booyah! Jane: That's pretty. Not as pretty as this. Straight flush. Daniel: No. Jane: Yes. Daniel: That's impossible. Nancy: His pot. Jane: That's my pot. (He takes Meier's chip) Look at this. I see you. Yes, I do. Daniel: Whatever, man. Later. He stands up Jane: Not much later. Daniel opens the door. Cho and Rigsby are there Rigsby: Let's go. CBI, interrogation room Lisbon: Tell us, how did you end up with jim Meier's lucky poker chip? Daniel: That night, as I was leavin', Jim followed me to the parking lot. He'd seen this tape with Jessica and Cal, and he knew I must have something to do with it. I said, sure I did. Screw him. Like he was such a great husband and father, you know? He called me a degenerate low-life pimp, fired me then and there, and he said he'd do everything in his power to get me out of Jessica's life. I couldn't let that happen. I remembered the stories they told in the room about the mafia hit men leaving a hand behind as a message, you know? I did it to make 'em think it was mob-related. Flashback, Daniel hits Jim and takes chip Daniel: I dumped the body at matt's, 'cause I knew his affair with ann would come to light. Lisbon: Did your wife have anything to do with this Daniel: No. No. She had nothing to do with this. And the idiot never suspected it was me. (To Jane) How's that for denial? She didn't know it was me. How did you know it was me? Jane: Well, when we first met, you were more concerned about the college football scores than you were your father-in-law's murder. Daniel: So? Jane: So when you're searching for a killer, the degenerate gambler in the room is a good person to look at. Daniel: I'm not a degenerate. I'm a professional. Just having a streak of bad luck. Lisbon: Yes, you are. Let's go. Daniel: That last hand- how did you do that? Lisbon: Stand up. Put your hands behind your head. Jane: Oh, uh, I cheated. Daniel: But how? Jane: Next time we play, I'll show you. Ann, Jessica and Cho look the scene Ann: It's okay, baby. It's gonna be okay. Jane enters the room and takes out the chip Jane: I believe this is yours. Ann: Thank you. She gives this to Jessica Jane: Your father died protecting you. So in the end, he... He was there for you. Jessica: Thank you. Jane: Be good to yourself. (To Cho) You, too. Jane gets up Cho: This way, ladies. Jane goes to the sofa, Cho and Rigsby come in to see him Rigsby: We were wondering how much money you won in that game. Jane: Oh, I don't know. $300,000, something like that. Cho: So where is it- the money? Jane: I spent it. Cho: On what? Jane: You know, stuff. In hospital, Alexandra cries, the nurse brings a suitcase Nurse: A really cute blonde guy left this for you at the front desk. Alexandra opens the suitcase and sees money Alexandra: Oh, my god!

CBI is called into investigate the murder of James Meier, the manager of operations for a resort casino, whose right hand has been found straddling the borderline between California and Nevada. Was this a mob hit or someone trying to send a message? While Lisbon and team look into Meier's business dealings, Jane uses his mentalist skills at the card tables, which make him a genius player, to rake in chips while studying the players on the floor. In the end, Jane discovers Meier's son-in-law's secret life as a degenerate gambler and plays on his gambling obsession to ultimately lure out the truth.

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The Space Pirates 5:15pm - 5:40pm [SCENE_BREAK] 1.BEACON SEGMENT (Bolts begin dropping from the sealed door, one by one.) ZOE: Someone's cutting through the bolts in the hull. (JAMIE staggers to his feet.) JAMIE: We've been discovered! (He starts to stagger to the newly-cut entrance.) DOCTOR: Wait a minute Jamie! (A bulky space-suited figure appears, covering them with a blaster rifle. JAMIE spots it.) JAMIE: Oh no you don't! (He springs to the attack.) DOCTOR: Jamie! No! (It is too late, as there is a fierce crackle of energy from the blaster and JAMIE falls to the ground.) ZOE: (Shrieking.) You murderer! (The blaster rifle swings round to cover her.) MILO: Stay still, the pair of yer, unless you want to follow him! [SCENE_BREAK] 2. MADELEINE'S OFFICE (General HERMACK is talking to the flight deck of his V-ship via the communicator.) HERMACK: Ah, Penn. (PENN's face appears on the screen.) PENN: (OOV.) Sir? HERMACK: Major Warne needs some assistance. I want you to take the ship out and stand-off at twenty miles, just in case Clancey tries any tricks during the landing. PENN: (OOV.) Very good, sir. MADELEINE: Aren't you going with your ship, General? HERMACK: Err no, I shall be in charge of ground reception. (He turns back to the screen.) HERMACK: Um, leave a section of guards, Penn, with short-ranged missiles. PENN: (OOV.) Right, sir. How long shall I keep the ship in stand-off orbit, sir? HERMACK: You can come in just as soon as Clancey hits the landing pad. PENN: (OOV.) Sir! (He disappears from the screen.) MADELEINE: All this for one old man? You aren't taking any chances are you? HERMACK: That is why I'm a general, madam. MADELEINE: Well what will happen to him? HERMACK: Well, he'll be taken back to home planet and tried. MADELEINE: And end in a Nevan prison chamber. HERMACK: Well, when Clancey turned pirate, he knew the penalties if he was caught. MADELEINE: Oh yes I know, but I can't help feeling sorry for him. I offered to buy him out two years ago. HERMACK: And he refused. MADELEINE: I offered much more than his worked-out concessions are worth. He could have ended his days in luxury. HERMACK: Why didn't he accept your offer, madam? MADELEINE: Who knows? He's a foolish old man. (Major WARNE abruptly comes through on the communicator.) WARNE: (OOV.) 13:30... X-X 1 to V-Master. I'm receiving no audio response from LIZ 7-9. (HERMACK moves back to the communicator.) HERMACK: Is LIZ 79 on thrust or stationary. WARNE: (OOV.) Stationary, sir. She's berthed against the section of the beacon. HERMACK: Right, now listen Ian. If you get no reply within two minutes, you are to fire your warning rockets. And then, if necessary, stand off and use the Martian Missiles. [SCENE_BREAK] 3. LIZ 79's CABIN (The cabin is empty but over the communicator comes WARNE's voice.) WARNE: (OOV.) This is Minnow fighter X-X 1 to LIZ 7-9. You have one minute to surrender. I repeat, you have one minute to surrender, Clancey. Are you hearing me? [SCENE_BREAK] 4. BEACON SEGMENT (MILO is trying to get answers from the DOCTOR and ZOE, while the DOCTOR is examining JAMIE.) MILO: Now, come on now! If you don't answer my questions, I'm going to have to start getting tough with you! DOCTOR: Look, I think he's just stunned, Zoe. (He rounds on MILO.) DOCTOR: Now, look here my man, I will not be threatened in this bullying manner. Do you understand? MILO: Oh no! A boy, a girl and a nut-case! You can't be the pirates! DOCTOR: Pirates? (Understanding comes over his face.) DOCTOR: Pirates! Oh I see! (JAMIE starts to groan.) ZOE: Oh Doctor, he's coming round. DOCTOR: Oh, Jamie. (He helps the Scot up.) MILO: Yes, I think he is coming round girl. I only give him a quarter blast. (He turns to the DOCTOR.) MILO: Hey listen, you there! Listen, she calls you "Doctor". "Doctor" she call you, now why did she say that? DOCTOR: Sheer politeness. ZOE: Are you all right, Jamie? (JAMIE groans in reply.) DOCTOR: Come on. JAMIE: (Struggling to stand.) Oh, help me! (The other two help him over to one of the steps to rest.) MILO: Now look, I'm not going to stand any more of this nonsense. Now, I want to know who you are and where you come from? Now come on! (He waves the blaster rifle threateningly.) ZOE: (Severely.) It's very rude to point, you know. Especially with a gun. DOCTOR: (To MILO.) I told you she was polite. MILO: (Exasperatedly.) How did you get here? DOCTOR: Oh we just arrived. MILO: Oh you mean you got some sort of ship you docked on the beacon? DOCTOR: (Cautiously.) Not so much on it as um... ZOE: ...In it. MILO: Inside! Now how could you be doing that? Look, that is not possible! (Painfully, JAMIE sits up.) JAMIE: Anything's possible in the TARDIS, especially when he's (Pointing to the DOCTOR.) at the controls. DOCTOR: Jamie, you're better. MILO: You really expect me to swallow a story like that! Now look, if I don't get the truth out of you three comics in about ten seconds... ZOE: But it is the truth! MILO: One... ZOE: Everything we've told you is true. MILO: Two... DOCTOR: (Counting with MILO.) Three... MILO: Three... [SCENE_BREAK] 5. SPACE (WARNE, in his minnow-ship, fires the first of the warning shots.) [SCENE_BREAK] 6. BEACON SEGMENT MILO: Nine... Ten! Now, come on, the truth - I want the whole truth! (The whole beacon segment is rocked by a shattering explosion from the first of the minnow-ship's warning shots.) DOCTOR: Oh what... what on Earth's that!? MILO: Someone's firing at us. Come on, let's get out of here! (He turns and dashes through the gap he earlier cut in the wall.) DOCTOR: Hey, wait for me! (He pushes JAMIE and ZOE out after MILO.) [SCENE_BREAK] 7. LIZ 79. (MILO leads the TARDIS crew on board the ship. He closes the airlock behind them, and the crew follow MILO as the pilot runs into the flight cabin.) DOCTOR: Oh, there you are! Now who's firing at us? (Everybody starts to speak, but MILO's voice is the loudest.) MILO: (Shouting.) No, no! Now quiet, I want to hear this! Listen! (From the communicator speaker WARNE's voice is crackling into the cabin.) WARNE: (OOV.) That was a warning shot, Clancey. You've no hope of getting away. (MILO laughs.) WARNE: Surrender or I'll put the next missile through your hull. MILO: My, my, my! It's that soft-faced puppy from the Space Corps. (To the TARDIS crew.) Hang on to something everyone, while I gotta... try to do a trick or two on that boy. (He heaves and thumps at the controls, and the ancient rocket motors roar into life and everybody, except MILO who is in his pilot seat, is thrown violently about.) WARNE: (OOV.) I can see you moving, Clancey. I'll give you ten seconds to turn-about. Ten seconds then I'm sending a missile in! MILO: Ten seconds! The nerve of that green-horn, saying things like that to me! WARNE: (OOV.) One... two... three... DOCTOR: Well don't you think it would be wiser to parley with him? MILO: Hold on now, Doctor. Milo Clancey don't take ultimatums from no body! JAMIE: Well, you can at least do what he wants! (ZOE looks at MILO in horror.) ZOE: He's going to fire a missile onto us! MILO: I got a trick here worth ten missiles. (He heaves on a rusty lever.) WARNE: (OOV.) Eight... Nine.. Ten... All right, Clancey, you had your chance! (CLANCEY laughs.) [SCENE_BREAK] 8. SPACE (WARNE's thumb stabs the firing button; the slender-finned missile streaks away from his ship straight towards LIZ 79. It is point black range; there is no possibility of a miss. Suddenly, the astonished WARNE sees a dense cloud of needle-like particles streaming from under the tail of the fleeing vessel. He watches in amazement as the missile enters the cloud and begins pitching and rolling uncontrollably, deviating from its course and streaking uselessly into space. He is even more amazed when his minnow-ship enters the cloud and begins behaving in the exactly the same way. He starts to wrestle furiously with the controls.) [SCENE_BREAK] 9. LIZ 79 (MILO CLANCEY brings the rear scanner into focus and chuckles gleefully at the sight of the wildly-spinning minnow-ship.) MILO: That should test young green-horn and his new-fangled toy. Ha, ha! Get yourself out of that one boy! ZOE: What's happened? What did you do, Mr Clancey? MILO: (Chuckles to himself.) My own invention, my little chicken-biddy. That's two tons of copper needles - I just lay out beside me when one of those new-fangled space ships gets too close for comfort! ZOE: But how do copper needles stop a spaceship? JAMIE: Aye, an... and a missile? (MILO sprawls back in his chair.) MILO: Well you see, they've all got those err new-fangled computer guidance systems, you see? The argonite in the space ship - that attracts all the copper, then all those thousand little needles, they all jigger up all their computer scanners! ZOE: (Puzzled.) What's argonite? MILO: (Shocked.) What is argonite?! Don't they learn you nothing at school girl? ZOE: They didn't teach me anything about argonite. MILO: Oh! ZOE: Have you ever heard of argonite, Doctor? DOCTOR: Well, from what Mr Clancey was saying, I imagine it's a metal that's used in the construction of space craft. (He turns to MILO.) DOCTOR: Am I right? MILO: Argonite is used for... well it's used for practically everything. It's ductile, it's tensile, it's heat-proof, it's practically indestructible. DOCTOR: And magnetically polarised for copper! MILO: Ah. (MILO looks at ZOE.) MILO: You mean to say that you have honestly never heard of argonite? It's the most expensive mineral in the galaxy! DOCTOR: We told you already. We don't come from this civilisation. We are visitors. JAMIE: (Low.) And I hope we're not stopping long. MILO: (Very excited.) Well, if that doesn't beat jumping grasshoppers. You mean to say you travel around in... in time as well as space? DOCTOR: (Pleased.) Well, yes, yes. You've grasped the principal very well. MILO: Hey, hey! That must be a mighty interesting thing to do. JAMIE: Aye, it would be, if we knew where we were going to land up every time! DOCTOR: It's just a minor fault in the system. I shall put it right in time. ZOE: If we ever see the TARDIS again! DOCTOR: (Remembering.) Oh yes, err... by the way. Um... Mr Clancey, err... would it be going out of your way to drop us off a... at... at... at the space station please? MILO: I can't do that. It's all in bits, isn't it! DOCTOR: Oh dear, oh my word! Do you know where we are? MILO: No, no, no! Only the argonite pirates know that! They're taking them all off for salvage. DOCTOR: Oh dear, well that will be difficult, won't it? (MILO turns his mind back to the present problems.) MILO: Hey, we... we shouldn't be sitting 'round here. We should be get... getting the heck out of here before that General Hermack starts to send some more minnows out, and I've used up all my copper needles! JAMIE: (Puzzled.) Well who's General Hermack? MILO: General Herm... He's the Space Corps. He's trailing those pirates - he thinks I'm one of them! That's why I say he's bone-headed, now look, let's move out of here... Excuse me. (MILO starts pressing buttons and the others start to move out of the way.) MILO: That's it, get over there. That's it, over there. Come on boy. ZOE: Mr Clancey... MILO: Look, you're a good girl and you promise not to cause me trouble, you can call me Milo. ZOE: Oh, well Milo. There's one thing I don't understand. MILO: Well you're very lucky girl. There's about a hundred thousand things I don't understand, but I don't stand around asking fool questions about them, I do something useful - why don't you do something useful - why don't you make us all a pot of tea or something? JAMIE: I thought the pot was broken? DOCTOR: (Speaking over JAMIE.) Oh yes, that would be lovely. MILO: Well, ah there's a metal pot in that cupboard there, made of tillium. DOCTOR: Tillium? (MILO slams a fist down on the control console.) MILO: Yeah, that's what this whole space-ship's made of, tillium. Lasted me a life-time round the galaxy. Makes a lousy cup of tea. ZOE: Oh, that's what I couldn't understand. Why your space ship wasn't affected by the copper needles. (Her scientific curiosity satisfied, ZOE heads off to look for the teapot.) JAMIE: Err, what'll happen to us if one of those wee minnow things catches up with us? MILO: Ah, don't worry lad, they won't. I'm going to go to the one place that General will never think of looking. [SCENE_BREAK] 10. MADELEINE'S OFFICE (WARNE is reporting back to HERMACK.) WARNE: (OOV.) He used some kind of anti-missile device, sir. It jammed out my controls. HERMACK: Major Warne, can you hear me? I repeat, can you hear me? WARNE: (OOV.) Just about, sir? HERMACK: (Furious.) You let Clancey make a complete fool of you! Are you still tracking his ship? WARNE: (OOV.) No, sir. My radar and sonar screens are out of action. HERMACK: WHAT?! WARNE: (OOV.) I can't sit here with just... I request assistance immediately, sir. HERMACK: (Coldly.) Your request is noted. (The crest-fallen figure on the screen disappears. MADELEINE is handing a stack of cassettes to her secretary.) MADELEINE: These are the shipping times. Send them out on clans printer to all branch stations. These are production figures and loading dates - code them and send them to head office right away. Priority clear. (She turns to General HERMACK as the secretary leaves.) MADELEINE: Anything wrong, General? HERMACK: Yes. Clancey has escaped. MADELEINE: How did that happen? HERMACK: I don't know yet but I mean to find out. May I monopolise your video channel a while longer? MADELEINE: Of course. HERMACK: Thank you. (HERMACK turns some knobs on the communicator.) HERMACK: General Hermack to V-41. (PENN's face is now on the screen.) PENN: (OOV.) Yes, general? HERMACK: Ah Penn. Did you pick up Major Warne's last report on your monitor? PENN: (OOV.) Some of it, sir. There was lots of interference. HERMACK: Right, now I want the rest of the minnow fleet launched and I want LIZ 79 found and destroyed! Is that understood? PENN: (OOV.) Yes, sir. HERMACK: Report back as soon as the minnow fleet is clear. (The screen goes dead.) HERMACK: I am not giving Milo Clancey any more chances! [SCENE_BREAK] 11. V-41 SHIP (We see the Space Corp Ship launch their minnow fleet.) [SCENE_BREAK] 12. LIZ 79 (The old ship is roaring through space and, from the noise of the engines, it seems to be vibrating so fiercely that it seems in danger of shaking itself to pieces.) JAMIE: Doctor. DOCTOR: Yes, Jamie? JAMIE: I think I'm going to be sick. DOCTOR: Now, now now Jamie. Will power, will power. ZOE: Any more tea anyone? (MILO looks up from the controls.) MILO: I'll have another cup if there's some there Zoe. (ZOE gets a battered cup.) MILO: There you are, that's as good as new. (ZOE pours some tea into his battered mug, and the DOCTOR passes it to him.) DOCTOR: Milo? MILO: Hello. DOCTOR: Err I've... I've been watching this pressure gauge. It is err, just a little bit high, isn't it? MILO: Yeah, it is a bittie. That's the thermo-nuclear power you see. (He taps the gauge.) MILO: Yeah, it's wearing out a bit, nothing you can do about that. DOCTOR: Well except slow down. I... I mean, there could be a nasty explosion, couldn't there! MILO: Ah, don't you worry, Doctor. It's a mighty strong little ship this. They don't make ships like this these days, you know! JAMIE: (Muttering.) You can say that again! MILO: Ah don't you worry, lad. We haven't got far to go. ZOE: Where are we going? You haven't said. MILO: Well now, I'll tell ya. We're going to the one place where they'll never think of looking for us. (He punches a control and a mist-shrouded planet emerges on the scanner screen.) MILO: There! That's the planet called Ta! DOCTOR: (Peering at the screen.) Oh, oh yes! Is it ah... is it inhabited? MILO: Yea it is these days. It's the headquarters of the Issigri Mining Corporation. JAMIE: (Skeptically.) Why do you say they won't bother to look for us. MILO: Well you see, Madeleine Issigri, who runs that show now, she's a... sworn enemy of mine. Well, so I've been told. Anyway, General Hermack err... will think I'll go anywhere else rather than go there. DOCTOR: (Puzzled.) Yes well, if she's a sworn enemy, won't she give you away. MILO: (Laughing.) We won't be announcing our arrival, Doctor. We'll just lie low there until that old Space Corps gets tired of looking for us. (ZOE studies the image of the planet on the scanner. It is much closer now, and she can make out more surface details.) ZOE: It doesn't look as though there's anything there. This side is just desert. MILO: Oh no, there's no surface life on Ta girl - there's too much ultra-violet ra... radiation. Don't you worry, don't you worry- we'll be all right. We'll be a mile underground as long as I can fall into my old landing pad DOCTOR: Oh, you've been there before, have you? MILO: Certainly have, certainly have. Me and my old partner, Dom Issigri, god rest his poor tired old soul, we turned that whole planet into a piece of Gruyere cheese between us. JAMIE: (Looking greener.) Gruyere cheese... DOCTOR: (Passing his handkerchief so that JAMIE can cover his mouth.) Jamie, yes... (To MILO.) Err mining, I see. Umm of argonite err... presumably . MILO: Yeah that's right, arg... argonite - one of the richest strikes we ever found. Took us about ten years to drill that clean. (MILO bends over the scanner, which shows the dusty, cratered surface of the planet.) MILO: Well, I'd better try to find this old entry shaft then. Now you'd better brace yourselves, hang onto something. Landing pad's ain't as good as they used to be. (The TARDIS crew again holds onto something.) [SCENE_BREAK] 13. SPACE (We see the LIZ close in on Ta.) [SCENE_BREAK] 14. MADELEINE'S OFFICE HERMACK: Bring the ship in on pad three. I'll join you there Penn. PENN: (OOV.) Yes, sir. MADELEINE: I'm sorry your stay was so short, General. HERMACK: Well, I hope on my next visit, my duties will be less pressing. MADELEINE: (Warmly.) So do I. Where do you go from now? HERMACK: Well, first of all I must get young Warne out of that fix he's got himself into. Then I must collect my pickets from the beacons. And after that - Lobos! MADELEINE: Lobos! HERMACK: (Nodding.) Hm hm. MADELEINE: Milo Clancey's base? HERMACK: The pirate's base. Those beacons they've been braking up will be heading there. With a little bit of luck we shall be able to wipe out the whole nest in one operation. MADELEINE: Well I hope you do. Some of my crews are demanding arms in case they're attacked. (HERMACK's eye is caught by a beautifully made model of a spaceship mounted on a stand.) HERMACK: Is that a... Is that a Beta Dart? MADELEINE: Yes. Yes, our company's just bought two. They're our fastest freighters. HERMACK: Ah. I must bear that in mind. The pirates have a Beta Dart. I should hate to knock out one of your ships by mistake. (MADELEINE smiles, tapping the striped nose-cone of the Dart.) MADELEINE: Well I don't think that's likely. All our freighters show the Issigri nose-cone when they're in commission, see? (She points to the nose-cone on the model.) MADELEINE: I designed it myself. HERMACK: Ah, very distinctive. How much do they cost? MADELEINE: Oh, a hundred million credits upwards - depends on the fittings. Why do you ask? HERMACK: I was just wondering where Milo Clancey got a hundred million credits. MADELEINE: I see, you think he got it by selling the stolen argonite. HERMACK: Why not? It's logical. There's an illicit market for them on Rita Magnum, I hear. MADELEINE: Yes, but I'm sure you're wrong about Milo Clancey. HERMACK: Are you? I'm not. He's selling the stuff and professing poverty as a cover. If I find those beacons sections on line for Lobos, he'll not live to enjoy his money! (HERMACK prepares to leave.) MADELEINE: Goodbye, General. HERMACK: Goodbye, Miss Issigri. Thank you for your hospitality. [SCENE_BREAK] 15. LIZ 79 (LIZ 79 thumps to the bottom of the underground landing shaft with all the grace of a lead balloon, which means that the TARDIS crew meet up with the floor again.) MILO: Nice smooth landing, after all! (The DOCTOR and his companions pick themselves up.) JAMIE: Smooth? What do you call a rough landing? MILO: (Laughing.) What's the matter with you sonny? Are you getting soft or something? (JAMIE glares furiously at him.) JAMIE: Just let me get my feet back on the ground... MILO: You stay right here where you're safe, boy. JAMIE: Safe! Is that what you call this? DOCTOR: You want us to stay here? MILO: Yeah. I'm thinking of your own safety. JAMIE: Why? MILO: Well, we're a mile underground here. This is the old freighter dock. And there's nothing to see, there's nowhere to go, just a whole maze of argonite tunnels, and if you go in there well even I mayn't be able to find you again. You stay right here in this ship. (Grabbing a tool-bag, MILO heads for the door.) DOCTOR: Just a minute, where are you going? MILO: I've got to go to the generator room. I think one of their rockets must have gone through my transmitter unit. The radio there's whistling like some sort of hysterical canary. (He disappears through the doorway.) JAMIE: Doctor, do you believe him? DOCTOR: I don't know, Jamie. What do you think? JAMIE: Well he never did explain how he turned up the way he did, did he? And that Space Corp ship was chasing him. DOCTOR: True. I think we've got to trust him, Jamie. If we leave this ship, we'll never ever have a chance of finding the TARDIS again. JAMIE: Well I don't see we've got much of a chance either way. Look, it's up there in space somewhere on a bit of that beacon, heading for I... I don't know where. DOCTOR: A blast furnace, I imagine. I think... I think the pirates are probably going to take the pieces and melt them down for the... for the argonite. The trouble is, we... we can't guess where their headquarters is. (ZOE, who has been sitting quietly in a corner, working on a sheet of calculations, now looks up with an "I've done it" look on her face.) ZOE: We don't need to guess, Doctor. It's easy enough to work out. DOCTOR: What? ZOE: Applied mathematics. DOCTOR: Applied... oh, I see. You've been messing about again, haven't you. ZOE: (Starting to crunch up the paper with her calculations.) Oh well, if you don't want to know what I discovered... DOCTOR: (Stopping her.) Oh no, no, no, no. Come along, surprise us. ZOE: (Showing him her calculations and a map.) This is the position of our bit of beacon when Milo first saw us, I got the figures from the computer. DOCTOR: Hmm. ZOE: And this is our position eight minutes later when he docked along side. DOCTOR: (Muttering to himself as he double checks the figures.) Mmm... Yes, go on. ZOE: Well, with this data, it was simple enough to work out our original position and course. D'you see? DOCTOR: Yes, except that after my little experiment we veered rather violently off that course. JAMIE: Ah yes... ZOE: Yes, but I allowed for that. Look! JAMIE & DOCTOR: Oh... ZOE: Electro-magnetic waves are always at right-angles to the direction of propagation, and, as you know, travel at one hundred and eighty six thousand, two hundred and eighty two miles per second. DOCTOR: (Looking proud of ZOE but also a little lost.) Oh really? How interesting. Well, what's the answer? ZOE: Here! DOCTOR: What? ZOE: If we'd stayed on our original course, the TARDIS would have landed within ten miles from where we are now. Except of course, it would still be up there because it wasn't travelling quite so fast. DOCTOR: (Excited.) Well, Bless my soul! Yes, of course. Yes as you say, a simple calculation. I should have thought of that myself! ZOE: Yes. I wonder why you didn't. (The DOCTOR gives her a grumpy look and walks off thinking, while JAMIE tries to work out what has been going on.) JAMIE: Did all that talk mean that the TARDIS is going to land somewhere around here? DOCTOR: Jamie, it's all here, written down. It's as plain as a pike-staff. JAMIE: Aye, well in that case, the pirates are going to be round here too! DOCTOR: Yes Jamie, you're right! ZOE: Do you think Milo's one of them and that's why he landed here? DOCTOR: Yes, I think it's possible. JAMIE: Aye, he seemed to know all about them, didn't he. Look, I think we ought to get out of here before he comes back. ZOE: Yes, so do I. We don't even know if he has gone to the Generator room. He might just have gone to get his gang. JAMIE: Aye. (The DOCTOR comes to a decision.) DOCTOR: All right... All right, but if the TARDIS has landed here we... we have to find it anyway. Come on you two, but for heaven's sake don't make a noise on the ladder. (JAMIE dashes for the door, trips over a chair and falls down with a crash.) ZOE: Jamie! JAMIE: (Defensively.) We're not on the ladder yet, are we! (They creep out of the cabin.) [SCENE_BREAK] 16. PIRATE CONTROL ROOM (In an underground chamber filled with communications equipment, CAVEN sits watching a bank of monitor screens. He swings round in his chair as DERVISH hurries into the room.) CAVEN: Wait here! DERVISH: What's the panic, Caven? CAVEN: No panic. DERVISH: What, you know what I mean? I got a red emergency flash. CAVEN: I wanted to talk to you Dervish. DERVISH: Well? CAVEN: What's the position at the plant? DERVISH: Just started on the last section of Alpha Two. CAVEN: Leave it. DERVISH: Leave it?! CAVEN: Suledin's capable of taking change down there, isn't he? DERVISH: Well yes, but... CAVEN: Right, when you've finished your flight service, I want you to take the ship out. DERVISH: Me! Where? CAVEN: The Alpha Four sections are being re-routed. DERVISH: Re-rout... CAVEN: To Lobos. DERVISH: Lobos? But that's impossible! CAVEN: When I give an order, nobody says it's impossible Dervish. DERVISH: Well do you know how far Lobos is? I mean the beacons rockets will have to be re-fuelled. CAVEN: That's right. That's exactly what I want you to do. DERVISH: (Pleading.) Yeah, but the Space Corps have got a V-ship and a flight of minnows up there. It's too dangerous! CAVEN: It has to be done. They've got to be drawn off. DERVISH: (Shouting.) Well why can't you do it then? You're the master pilot! I'm only supposed to be the engineer. CAVEN: I've got to do things down here. DERVISH: Yes, so I've got to go and risk my life whi... (CAVEN draws the holstered blaster that never leaves his side.) CAVEN: You keep arguing Dervish, and Suledin will be having your job permanently. Now are you going to take that ship out or aren't you? DERVISH: (Breaking down.) Well yes, yes. Of course Caven. I... I was only just trying to point out the dangers. CAVEN: Well now you're in more danger here than you ever will be in space. (Suddenly a light flashes and the sound of a warning siren comes from the speakers.) DERVISH: It's a perimeter alarm! VOICE: (OOV.) Intruders in perimeter tunnel nine. Perimeter tunnel nine. (CAVEN flicks a switch.) CAVEN: Alert the guards. I'm coming down. DERVISH: Is it the Space Corps? CAVEN: I don't know, but whoever it is, we can deal with them in the tunnel complex! Now get moving! DERVISH: Right! (They both rush out.) [SCENE_BREAK] 17. TUNNEL (The DOCTOR, JAMIE and ZOE are making their way along a dark, dank tunnel. The walls are rough-hewn, with many cracks and fissures. From somewhere in the distance comes the sound of dripping water.) ZOE: I'm sure we should have turned right back there. JAMIE: We DID turn right! ZOE: I mean earlier. We seem to be getting deeper. JAMIE: What do you think, Doctor? Should we go on or turn back? DOCTOR: I think we should have done as Milo told us. He said we'd get lost. ZOE: Tunnels probably run for hundreds of miles. JAMIE: Well if they do, we'll never get ourselves out. Feels like I'm going to sneeze. DOCTOR: Shh, just a minute Jamie. (He stops when he hears a kind of buzzing noise.) ZOE: What? (All three can now hear the noise.) JAMIE: I can hear something. There it is. A buzzing noise. ZOE: Well where's it coming from? DOCTOR: Seems to be up ahead there. (They walk towards the noise.) [SCENE_BREAK] 18. LIZ 79 (MILO comes back onto the bridge.) MILO: Well that's all right again, right as rain. (He sees that he is alone.) MILO: Hey where are you? Ah... (He calls down the corridor towards the kitchen.) MILO: ZOE!? DOCTOR!? (There is no answer.) MILO: They ain't here. Oh, why can't some people do as they're told. I guess I'd better... better go out and try and find them. (He stomps down the ladder.) [SCENE_BREAK] 19. TUNNEL (The TARDIS team arrives to find a crack from which light is pouring through.) JAMIE: Hey Doctor! There's a wee light there, look! Just shining through a crack in the wall. ZOE: You're right. It is a light! DOCTOR: Yes, it's... it's reflected through from the other side. I... I wonder if we can... JAMIE: (Trying to peer into the crack.) Too high to see in. ZOE: I'm the lightest, if you can lift me up - perhaps I can see through. DOCTOR: All right. You jump onto Jamie's back. JAMIE: What? (He bends down and the DOCTOR helps ZOE climb first onto JAMIE's back and then onto his shoulders. JAMIE slowly stands up. ZOE supports herself against the wall and puts an eye to the fissure.) DOCTOR: Can you see anything? ZOE: (Blinking in the light after being in the darkness for so long.) It hurts... JAMIE: (Groaning.) Well hurry up! (ZOE peers through and sees three men with machinery. One of the men is cutting up a big piece of metal. A moment later the DOCTOR helps her scramble down.) DOCTOR: Well? ZOE: There are three men in there and I think they're pirates. JAMIE: How do you know? DOCTOR: They could be miners? ZOE: No, they're cutting up bits of scrap and it looks like part of a beacon! DOCTOR: It looks as though we've stumbled on their headquarters. Yes, of course! That noise is an electrical furnace. JAMIE: Did you see the TARDIS? ZOE: No, just the three men. JAMIE: Doctor, we've got to try and stop them before they start cutting it up. DOCTOR: Yes. The first thing we'd better do is... (A beam of light suddenly strikes them.) DOCTOR: Hello? What's happening?! (Screwing up his eyes, the DOCTOR sees that it is a portable searchlight carried by two men. There seem to be other men behind them - men with guns. The little group instinctively back away.) CAVEN: (Over the speakers.) Keep moving! (The DOCTOR stops and stands his ground.) DOCTOR: All right! There's no need for that! (A blaster chips a chunk of rock from the wall by his feet. The DOCTOR skips back. Another bit of rock splinters from the rock wall by JAMIE's head.) CAVEN: (OOV.) Back! Back! Back! (ZOE turns and sees a small round hole in the wall behind her.) ZOE: Quick! Down this passage! DOCTOR: Run! (All three start to run through the opening. ZOE gives a yell of alarm. JAMIE runs after her and then teeters on the edge of the opening - beyond it is a sheer drop into darkness. JAMIE tries to give a warning to the DOCTOR but it is too late. ZOE is going too fast to stop and with a scream, she dives into the pit. The DOCTOR is already on JAMIE's heels. He grabs JAMIE's hand just as the young Highlander loses his balance and falls, yelling. The DOCTOR is dragged after him. Struggling furiously and screaming, they drop down into the darkness...)

The Doctor, Jamie and Zoe flee from the Space Corps with Clancey, who decides to seek refuge on Ta.

fd_How_I_Met_Your_Mother_02x11

fd_How_I_Met_Your_Mother_02x11_0

Ted (V.O.): Kids, as you know, Christmas is a time you spend with your family. So in December of 2006, I had three options. Spend it with my mom and her new boyfriend Clint, spend it with my dad and his new girlfriend micro-brewing, or head down to Staten Island to spend it with my super religious cousin Stacy and her family. So I opted for none of the above and decided to spend Christmas 2006 in Manhattan... celebrating with my other family. Lily is decorating the apartment while Marshall studies Marshall: Okay, I have one last paper due at 5:00 p.m. today, so until then, I will be at the law library at school, but I'm not to be disturbed for any reason. Ted: Dude, open your eyes. You're going to hurt yourself. Marshall: No, no. Christmas Eve winter wonderland is my reward for finishing my paper. Baby, do I smell your Sinfully Cinnamon Cookies? Lily: Yes. Marshall: Damn me and my heightened other senses. Must be strong. Okay, I'll be back here at 5:00. Save me at least 20 cookies and do not clean the bowl. Was that a reindeer? I don't want to know! Lily: Hey, look. Our old answering machine. Ted: Oh, yeah. After you left, we, uh, we unplugged it because it reminded Marshall of how you used to, you know, leave messages. But hey, you guys are back together. I say we're plugging it back in. It's good to have you back. Lily: Thanks. Oh, hey, look, there's still some messages on here. Ted's father: Hey Ted, it's Dad calling to check in. I'm going fishing this weekend with my friend Clint, so if I don't hear from you beforehand, I'll talk to you next week. Ted: Yes, same Clint. Ted (voix dans le r pondeur): Hey, Marshall. Are you lying on the couch right now moping about Lily? You are, aren't you? Well, stop it. She's not worth it. You gotta get over that Grinch. Ted (voix off): But I didn't say "Grinch." I said a bad word. A very, very bad word. Ted: Oh, fudge. Ted (voix off): But I didn't say fudge. Lily: I'm... a what? Ted: I-- That was Barney, that was Barney. Lily: That was you, Ted. Ted: That was Marshall. Lily: Marshall left a message for Marshall? Ted: You know, it may have been me, but it was so long ago. Man, that machine, it really garbles your voice.You know, it almost made it sound like I said... Lily: Why would you call me that? Ted (voix off): It was a fair question. Marshall's breakup with Lily had sent him into a deep depression and nothing could get him out of it. Until one day... Marshall is eating on the couch while Ted reads the newspaper. Marshall: She was perfect. I lost the perfect woman. I should have knocked her up when I had the chance. Ted: Okay. That's it. You're never going to get over her until you stop putting her on a pedestal. So no more ice cream until you tell me one thing that's wrong with Lily. Marshall: There's only one of her? Ted: Okay. She called off your wedding and dumped you to be a painter in San Francisco. What do you call that? Marshall: Fiercely independent? Brave? I guess it was a little selfish. Ted: There you go. Ted (voix off): And in almost no time, that spark turned into a roaring fire. Flashback. Marshall, Ted and Barney are at the bar. Marshall: Yeah. No, you're right. Lily would laugh at anything. Barney: She'd give it up for a bad pun. I'm telling you, she's a laugh slut. Ted: Remember that time we heard her laughing and we thought she was watching Weekend At Bernie's, but it turned out she was watching Weekend At Bernie's 2? Barney: And her art? "I'm Lily, I'm an artist." She doesn't even own a beret. Marshall: Yeah, and if she's such a great "artist," why does she suck at Pictionary? Who draws a ninja star like a Star of David? Right, right? Ted: Yeah! Marshall: Another round! End of flashback. Back at the apartment. Ted: I was trying to help him. I'm his best friend. That's the best friend's job. Lily: The best friend's job is to call me that word? Ted: Yeah. Barney, Robin and Ted are at the bar. Robin: Oh, Ted. Oh, Teddy boy. Ted: Why is this such a big deal? It's just a word. We use lots of words, every day. It shouldn't be any different than any other word. Barney: Then why don't you say it now? Ted: Grinch. You timed that didn't you? Barney: Perfectly. Robin: Well, at least you apologized. You apologized, didn't you? Ted: Oh, yeah. "I'm sorry" were the first words out of my mouth. Flashback. Lily and Ted at the apartment. Ted: I'm sorry, but I am not apologizing. I was just trying to put the guy back together. You smashed him to pieces. Lily: Are you seriously not going to apologize for leaving that message? Ted: No! Lily: Why not? Ted: Because, Lily, this summer, you were kind of a Grinch. Lily: Oh, you'll be sorry, Ted Mosby. End of flashback. Back to the bar. Barney: Ted Vivian Mosby! Ted: That's not my middle name. Barney: Do you kiss your mother with that mouth? Ted: Like you've never said that word. Barney: I don't kiss your mother with my mouth. Yet. (Barney sneezes) Ted: Are you sick? Barney: Is it sick to find maturity and experience sexy? Ted: No, I meant do you have a cold? Barney: I'm fine. I'm fine. My nose is just overflowing with awesome and I had to get some of it out. Now, if you'll excuse me, the holidays are a time when people are lonely and desperate. It's the most wonderful time of the year. Ted: I should go apologize. It's Christmas Eve. Robin: Yeah. I mean, slamming doors and screaming curses? If I wanted that, I would have gone home for the holidays. Barney talks to a girl. Barney: I don't see any mistletoe, but... (He sneezes on her) Woman: Oh! Oh, God! Barney: Uh... "Bless you" would have been nice. Robin walks Barney home. On the Hallway. Robin: You're sick. Barney: I'm not sick. Robin: You're sick. Barney: You know what? I am sick. Sick of you telling me I'm sick. What up? Barney cough so strongly that he fells. Ted: Ahh... Three flights of stairs, not a drop spilled. Hey, buddy. Robin: You sure this is gonna work? Ted: Yeah, this is our thing. In college, whenever I wanted to make up with her, I'd buy her a beer. Cute, right? Robin: Totally. Plus free mug. Ted (voix off): Usually that would've done the trick, but it turned out this was a problem not even alcohol could solve. Actually the beer helped a little. Ted: She took the decorations. She took the decorations! What a Grinch! Ted (voix off): That time I did say "Grinch." Ted: All right. I guess I have to call her, right? Lily's cell phone. She'll listen to reason-- right? Oh, hey, Billy. Actually, funny thing--the voice dial got you. I was trying to call... Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. (20 minutes later) Yeah, the holidays are a rough time for everyone, Billy. Okay, yeah, dinner next Wednesday. Okay. Damn voice dial. Robin: Barney! What the hell are you doing? Get in here, it's freezing outside. Are you insane? Barney: Hey, blame Lily and her oppressive "no cigars in the apartment rule." God, it's like Marshall's marrying the Taliban. (he sneezes on his hand). High five. Robin: Eww. No. You have to go home and get to bed. Barney: Oh, Robin, my simple friend from the untamed north, let me tell you about a little thing I like to call mind over body. You see, whenever I start feeling sick, I just stop being sick and be awesome instead. True story. Yeah, in two minutes, I'm going to pound a sixer of Red Bull, hop in a cab, play a couple of hours of laser tag, maybe get a spray-on tan. It's gonna be legen... Wait for it... (Barney falls asleep) Ted: Lily! Lily: Merry Christmas, assface. Ted: Um, Lily? Where are the Christmas decorations? Lily: At my apartment. Ted: You want to bring them back so we can celebrate Christmas together-- please? Lily: Ted, do you know what I would do if one of my kindergartners used that kind of language? I would be on the phone with their parents. Ted: Yeah, I'm not a kindergartner. Lily: Exactly. You know what that word means. You know that calling people names is mean and hurtful... assface. Ted: Lily, if you don't bring that stuff back right now, we... Ted to Robin: She hung up. Robin: She's just mad. She'll cool down. The phone rings Ted: Lily... Lily: Don't forget to take the cookies out of the oven... assface! Ted: Damn it! I could be in Cleveland right now making peppermint lager with my dad. Robin: Where are you going? Ted: Marshall gets home in three hours. He's gonna show up--no Lily, no winter wonderland.I gotta get up to the Bronx. Ted goes out slamming the door which wakes up Barney) Barney:...dary. Ted's on the street when his phone rings. Ted: Hey, dude, how's the paper going? Marshall: Screw the paper, how's the winter wonderland? Is it magical? Ted: Oh... so magical. Marshall: When you walk through the door, does it feel like you've been slapped in the face by Christmas? Ted: Sure does. Look, I gotta go. Marshall: Come on, man, describe it! Tell me about the decorations. Is Rudolph there? He is, isn't he? Hi, Rudolph! Ted: Ah, yeah, but, you know... decorations, is that really what Christmas is about? Marshall: Hell, yeah! What else would it be about? Ted: Uh, try the birth of Christ. You know, Christmas-- Christ Mas, which means "More Christ" to our Spanish friends. Marshall: Yeah, well, all I know is walking in that door and seeing the winter wonderland and seeing Lily and all you guys, just... I can't wait. Ted: Right. I gotta go. Marshall: Right. Okay.Oh, wait. Ted, Ted, Ted, Ted. One more thing. How about the cookies? Are they delicious? [SCENE_BREAK] Robin is at the apartment with a fire extinguisher Ted: You know, honestly, they taste a little store-bought. Oh! I got another call. Marshall: Well, tell Lily I love her. Ted: Right. (he hangs up end takes the other call)- Hello? His mother: Ted Evelyn Mosby! Ted: Oh. Uh, hey, Mom. Merry Christmas. His mother: I just got the most disturbing call from Lily. How could you use such a horrible word? Ted: Oh, God, she called you? His mother: Are you acting out because of the divorce? Is-is this all about Clint? Ted: No, Mom, why would it be about Clint? Clint: Hey, buddy, it's Clint. How you doing, champ? Ted: Hey, Clint. Listen, um, I don't really have time to... Clint: Hey, hey, no, no, no. Ted, Ted. You don't know this yet, but you and I are going to be great friends. Now, the Native Americans have this ritual... Ted hangs up and takes the subway. Barney is in bed and Robin brings hm food. Barney: This is a low moment for the Barnacle. I should be off playing laser tag right now, but instead... Don't look at me. I'm hideous. Robin: You just look like a regular guy. Barney: Exactly. I'm a Ted. I'm wearing elastic-waist fleece pants. Robin: And isn't it more comfy? Barney: Yes. Robin: Come on, you need eat something. Barney: Too weak... to hold... bowl. Robin: Fine, I'll feed you. Barney: Ouchie in my mouth! I don't want it. I want ice cream. Robin: No, you're not having ice cream for dinner just 'cause you're sick. Barney: But my throat hurts. Robin: No! Barney: I hate you! Robin stands up Barney: Don't leave me. Lily is at her apartment when someone knocks on the door. Lily: Who is this? Ted: Pizza delivery. Lily: Hey, you tricked me. Ted: You really thought I was the pizza delivery guy? Lily: No, I knew it was you. I just thought you'd at least bring a pizza. Ted: Yeah, well, I brought a beer, but I gave it to a homeless guy. All right, he took it from me. Now, will you please come home? Lily: No, I'm not spending Christmas with you. Ted: Okay, I'm sorry for calling you a... that word, over the summer, and for saying it again today. And for thinking it a lot on the subway ride over. I had no right to say that. It was hurtful and immature and I'm sorry. Lily: Oh, shut up. You think I don't know your fake apologies by now, Ted Mosby? Huh? You're clearly still mad at me. Ted: I'm not mad at you. Lily: Yes, you are. Ted: I am not mad at you, Lily. Now, can we please just... Lily: I've apologized to Marshall and he's forgiven me and we've moved passed it. Why can't you? Ted: Because you never apologized to me. Marshall's not the only one you walked out on. You leave for three months, you don't even call. Come on, Lily, we're supposed to be friends! Lily: Yeah, some friend, you called me a Grinch. Ted: You were a Grinch! Lily: How can you... Ted: Grinchy, Grinch, Grinch, Grinch, Grinch, Grinch, Grinch. The light goes out Lily: Happy? Now, you've pissed off the big guy upstairs. Ted: Yeah, I'm sure God cares if I... Voice: You use that language again and I'll turn off your water! Lily: That's my super. He lives above me. Great. Thanks to your filthy mouth, now I'm going to have Christmas alone in the dark. Ted: Fine. I don't want to ruin Christmas. You can have the apartment. Don't worry about seeing me there I'll be in Staten Island with my cousin Stacy. Just.... Merry Christmas. Ted walks out lily's apartment. Robin (on the phone): You're spending Christmas Eve with your family? Baby, that sucks. I'm so sorry. Ted: Uh, they're fine. They're just... they're a little weird. You know they don't believe in gifts or Christmas trees. And they think Santa's how Satan spells his name when he wants to trick us. Robin: Well, do you want me to go with you? Ted: Was that a sincere offer? Robin: First tell me your answer. Ted: Stay there. Save yourself. We'll spend all day together tomorrow. Okay. Oh, how's Barney feeling? Robin: You mean the whiney bottomless pit of neediness? He was bugging me, so I spiked his echinacea tea with codeine. Ted: You're gonna be a great mom. Marshall walks into the apartment with a box. Marshall: Holy crap, the magical Christmas season is upon us. And thank God we don't pay for utilities. Lily: Merry Christmas! What's in the box? Marshall: Only the best present for the best girl ever. It took me all day to track it down. Lily: I thought you were writing a paper. Marshall: Ah, naw, I blew that off. I'll get an extension. School's not important. What is that pitter patter on the roof? Could it be the sound of an awesome Christmas story about to come down the chimney? Why, yes, it is. 'Twas the day before Christmas... Flashback. Marshall is at the post office Marshall: It was supposed to arrive, like, five days ago, but then it got lost and rerouted. I checked two other branches, finally they told me it was here. Women: Yeah, all I needed to know was the tracking number. Looks like it's headed out to our regional branch in Poughkeepsie. Marshall: What?No, no, no, no,I need that package today. Women: Listen, the truck already left five minutes ago so unless you want to run after it... Marshall runs after the truck Marshall: Stop! Stop! Stop, please, stop. Stop. Stop the truck. I need a package on your truck. Can I please take a look in back? Truck driver: Sure. But I gotta keep driving my route. I'm running behind. Marshall gets in the truck Truck driver: My bad. Marshall: I'm okay. (out of the truck) Hey, man, thanks for helping me make my fiancee's Christmas. Truck driver: No problem. Too bad I can't deliver all these packages by the end of the day. Marshall: Wait, so some people aren't going to get their gifts in time for Christmas? Truck driver: Sadly, no. Marshall helps the truck driver deliver the gifts. End of flashback. Back at the apartment Marshall: We delivered every single package on that truck. But I still have one package left to give. Yeah, I did. Merry Christmas. Open it, Baby. Lily: Okay. Oh, my God. An Easy Bake Oven! I've wanted one of these ever since I was a little girl. In this exact model. I never told you that. How did you know? Flashback. A month earlier Marshall and Ted are in the bar. Marshall: It's our first Christmas since we got back together. I want to get her something really special. So I'm getting her a jukebox. Ted: Wow, that's a great gift. Marshall: Not really. It's this big and it dispenses gum. Ted: Oh, man, I know something you could get her that would blow her mind. Ready? Eight years ago... Flashback. Ted and Lily are in marshall and Ted's college room. Lily: When I was a kid, all I wanted was an Easy Bake Oven. I begged and I begged, but all I got was a stupid Lego set because my feminist mom didn't want me conforming to traditional gender roles. Ted: Easy Bake Oven--that's what I'm going to call my van. Marshall walks in Ted: Dude... how was the concert? Marshall: I couldn't find the outside. End of flashback. Back to the apartment with Lily and Marshall. Lily: I can't believe Ted remembered after all these years. Marshall: Yeah, and after all that weed. Where is he anyway? Lily: Staten Island. Marshall: Why? Staton island. Ted is in the livingroom with kids. Ted: Okay, don't tell your mom, but I got you guys some presents. A kid: Like the gift of God's love? Ted: No, dude, real presents. Kid: Uncle Ted got us presents! Stacy: That's okay, Ted, we'll just give them to charity. Charity: Yay! Stacy: Uh, not you, Charity. I meant the less fortunate. Ted, how would you like to say grace tonight? Ted: Uh, you know what, why don't you say it. I really wouldn't know what to say. Charity: Why don't you recite your favorite passage of scripture. Ted: That's a great idea, Charity. But, really, I don't know. I mean how do you choose your favorite passage? It's the Bible; there's so many... great ones... That one from Pulp Fiction's pretty cool. Doorbell rings. Ooh, I'll get it. Charity, I'm tapping you in. Charity: Dear, Father, thank you for this day, and thank you for bringing this family together. Amen. Ted opens the door and sees everybody. Lily's holding a beer. Stacy: Who is it, Ted? Ted: Uh, it's... it's just, um, carolers. Marshall starts singing. Robin and Barney follow. # Silent night. Holy night... # Lily: I came here to apologize. I'm so sorry, Ted. Ted: I accept. Give me the beer. it is so good to see you guys. Lily: Are you coming home? Ted: Totally. But first, Lily, I owe you an apology. Lily: Oh, for the love of God, are you as sick of apologies as I am? Ted: Yes Lily: Can we just skip the apology and go straight to the forgiving? Ted: Yes. And I promise, I will never ever call you a... you know, again. Lily: That's okay. I was kind of a Grinch. Kid(in the house) What's a Grinch? Ted: Nothing. It's something you shouldn't say. Kid: Mom, what's a Grinch? Stacy spits out the water she had in the mouth. Both kids: Grinch, Grinch, Grinch... Ted ( to the family): Merry Christmas, everybody. Ted takes his coat and leaves (to his friends) Run, run. In the apartment Mashall is eating the cookies. Marshall: Merry Christmas, Marshall.

Nobody likes a "grinch," so the Christmas-stealing Lily must be stopped after she threatens to ruin the gang's plans of a joyous holiday together due to a brawl with Ted.

fd_The_Office_07x25-26

fd_The_Office_07x25-26_0

Creed: [drives up to the entrance of the building, his license plate reads "NEW MGR"] It's a beautiful morning at Dunder-Mifflin, or as I like to call it, Great Bratton. [gets out of car, tosses his keys toward a nonexistent valet parker] Keep it running. [SCENE_BREAK] Creed: Do I love being manager?... I love my kids. I love real estate. [slowly getting more excited] I love ceramics. I love my job. I-I love wrestling. [SCENE_BREAK] Creed: [to Jordan] Find out what language this is. [speaking in strange language] [SCENE_BREAK] Creed: [running a meeting in the conference room] Okay, team building! On this side of the room, Stanley, Phyllis, Jim, Ted, Elroy, [camera switches to show only Meredith and Kevin have attended the meeting, Jim walks by and sees this] and this side of the room, Pam, Meredith, Phyllis, Creed... [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: He never called a meeting. [SCENE_BREAK] Creed: [pointing at a whiteboard with BOBODDY written on the left side, vertically] BO-BODDY! BO-BODDY. What does the first "B" stand for? Pam: What are we doing? Creed: We're making acronyms. Okay! What does the first "B" stand for? Kevin: Um... Business! Creed: I like it! Business! Good, Kevin! [writes after the first B, I, Z, N, U...] All right! The "O"... [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: We need a new manager. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: [conducting interview] Your paper experience is very interesting. Do you think you could use that experience to inform decisions here? Fred Henry: Absolutely--I, yes. In fact, I actually have a three-step plan that I believe could effectively double your profits. Jim: Really? Fred: Yeah. Jim: [waiting for Fred to continue] ...What is it? Fred: Nice try. Toby: I'm sorry, what is your three-step plan? Fred: Well, I mean, I can't just hand you my plan. I mean, if you guys give me the job, then, then you'll get the plan. Gabe: Well... it's an interview, and we don't know that you really have the plan. Fred: [speaking faster] Well, I'm not gonna just make up that I have a plan. I got a plan. Believe me, you guys want it. You're in paper, right? Gabe: How would we know that, if you don't... Jim: You could just be saying it to get the job. Fred: I guess I could be, if I was... who would do that? Jim: How about this. Why don't you give us a part of the plan, and that way we know you have it. Fred: Tell you what. I'll give you part three of part two. Not gonna give you a whole part. Jim: Okay. Fred: Color-code sent documents, TM. Jim: Did you just trademark that... Toby: [confused] W-What? Fred: That's a verbal trademark. That's an agreement. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: We are the Search Committee, hand-picked by our CEO, and tasked to find this branch's new manager. Not everyone we meet will be good, but someone's bound to be, right? [Andy, Kelly, and Darryl are each dressed up in suits for their interviews, Andy is also wearing an "Andy for Manager?" pin on his jacket] And, to be honest, I think a lot of the decent candidates are right here in-house, so, I'm not too worried. But I'm really excited to spend a lot of time with Toby and Gabe. [quietly] Did you know that Gabe's last name was Lewis? I had no idea. [SCENE_BREAK] Stanley: [in elevator with Phyllis and Darryl, all three are smiling, to Darryl] Good morning. Darryl: Good morning. Phyllis: [also to Darryl] Good morning. Darryl: Good morning. Phyllis: Did you have a nice drive in? Darryl: I did. [SCENE_BREAK] Darryl: I have a solid relationship with Jo, the company's owner. I have management experience. I have a good friendship with Jim, the head of the Search Committee, and it doesn't hurt that I'm... [in Oprah-like sing-song voice] bla-aaack! [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: [puts up a poster in the break room with "IF YOU ARE ON THE SEARCH COMMITTEE PLEASE CONSIDER ANDY" on it in bold lettering] Erin: [commenting on the poster] It's good. I really hope you get it! Andy: The manager job? Nah, I'm barely interested. I just can't not go for it. You know, it's not the Bernard way. We give it the old college try, and then, in defeat, we show grace. Erin: Still, I'd really like to see this office with you in the boss's chair. Andy: Don't even... [getting really happy and excited] EEEHHHH!!!! Erin: You in the boss's chair! Andy: EEEHHH!! No. Hehe. [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: In my family, you don't really go out and get things. If you want something, you write it on a list, and then the housekeeper goes out and gets it, on Wednesdays and Fridays. So, I don't know, I guess you could say this job is on my list, and... [awkwardly smiling] we'll see what Rosa comes back with. [SCENE_BREAK] Erin: [checks to see that she is alone with Phyllis] Did you hear anything? Phyllis: Oh, I'm sure they'll let us know when they get the results. [Erin crosses fingers and smiles excitedly] [SCENE_BREAK] Phyllis: It turns out that Erin was born in the basic time and region that I gave away a child. Erin: So, Phyllis might be my mom. I mean, the chances are tiny, but... Phyllis: But, probably not, I mean, it was a big year for babies. Porky's had come out. Erin: Yeah. I'm sure I was just another Porky's baby. Phyllis: Mm. Erin: But why not find out. Phyllis: Yeah. [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: [to Dwight, who is reading the want ads] Should you really be so blatant about that? Dwight: They won't make me manager, and I won't settle for anything less. I've gone about as far as I can here. That's obvious. Time to take my talents elsewhere. Pam: Are you really going to apply for work at Scranton Breadworks? Dwight: Bread is the paper of the food industry. You write your sandwich on it. [SCENE_BREAK] Warren Buffett: Can you do any better on salary? Jim: Unfortunately, that range is set at corporate. Warren: What about mileage when I use my car? I mean, gas ain't cheap, you know. Jim: Heh. We think that 25 cents a mile is pretty generous. Warren: How about 27? And uh, when I make long-distance calls, will they be monitored or is it on the honor system? [SCENE_BREAK] Angela: [on phone] Okay. [hangs up, smiling] How odd, a very unusual phone call from the Senator's office. The Senator wants me to have lunch with him at The Botanical Gardens. Kevin: The Botanical Gardens, Scranton's hidden gem. Don't eat any berries you don't recognize. [SCENE_BREAK] Toby: How will your experience selling refinery equipment translate to our smaller scale here? Robert California: You don't work in sales, do you. Toby: Uh... Human Resources. Robert: You see, I sit across from a man. I see his face. I see his eyes. Now, does it matter if he wants a hundred dollars of paper or a hundred million dollars of deep-sea drilling equipment? Don't be a fool. He wants respect. He wants love. He wants to be younger. He wants to be attractive. There is no such thing as a product. Don't ever think there is. There is only... s*x. Everything... is s*x. You understand that what I'm telling you is a universal truth,... Toby. Toby: Yes. Gabe: Okay, I-I am, I'm almost a little concerned that you might be overqualified for the position. [Robert and Gabe chuckle at this, then Gabe stops chuckling] Do you, um, do you think that you are? Robert: Do I look like someone who would waste my own time? Gabe: No. [Robert then nods his head at Jim] Jim: Can you... [seems intimidated, clears throat] You are a man of great confidence. Could you speak a little more to that, and, what the role of confidence... would be... in a dialogue with a subordinate? Robert: Will you be heard? Will you have a voice? Will I steamroll over you? Do you feel heard right now, Jim? Do you have a voice, right now? You can answer me. Jim: Yes. Robert: That was your choice, not mine. The fallacy is that it is up to the steamroller. It is up to the object... whether it will be flattened or not, and I can tell from the small interaction we've had already, you won't be flattened by anybody. Do you agree with me, Jim? Jim: Yes. Robert: [more emphatically than Jim] Yes. You do. [nods at the Search Committee, then looks over at the camera with a smirk on his face] [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: [Robert leaves the conference room and looks at the others in the office as he grins at the camera and leaves] He creeps me out. [Toby nods] But, I think he might be a genius. [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: [Jim points at Darryl to be the next interviewee] Good luck, Darryl. Darryl: [pats Andy on the back] Thank you. [SCENE_BREAK] Darryl: Think about it! What other mammal, besides humans, drinks the milk of another mammal? I mean, you don't see a bear drinking raccoon milk. Jim: [Jim and Gabe laugh, Toby smiles and nods] Oh. Darryl: So this is cool. I think we make a good fit. [stands up] Gabe: Oh? Uh... we haven't started the interview yet. Were you--were you joking? Darryl: Uh... [looks at camera] yes?! I was. [sits back down] Little joke! Toby: So, how would you go about settling interpersonal conflicts within the office? Darryl: I thought that was your job. Toby: Well, it's one of my strengths, but it's the manager's job. Jim: Well, for instance, how did you deal with it when two warehouse guys got into a fight? Darryl: I'll answer that, Jim. I would use it as an opportunity to teach, uh, about actions... and consequences... of actions. [Jim and Gabe stare at Darryl] Darryl: [noticing Erin in the background leading a black man dressed in a suit through the office] Who's that? Jim: [ignoring Darryl's question] So I think all we need is a resume, and we'll be good right? Darryl: I... I just thought you knew me. Jim: Yeah, it's no big deal, just something that looks like that. [shows Darryl a resume] Cool? [goes to put the resume away] Darryl: Let me... [Jim shows him the resume again, Darryl looks at it a little longer this time] Oh. Cool. [Jim gives Darryl a thumbs-up, then looks at the camera as Darryl gets up to leave] [SCENE_BREAK] Merv Bronte: [at the cafe on the first floor] Did, uh, you just interview? Robert: Ohh, unfortunately, yes. Merv: What do you mean? Robert: That business can't attract anyone. It's awful up there. Those people seem like they're in prison, waiting out life sentences in a... dying industry. Merv: Place must be horrible. I don't know if I want this job. [gets on elevator] [SCENE_BREAK] Merv: [in elevator] Well, if I get this job offer, and then I know that I'm gonna take it, and if I take it, I know that I'm never gonna quit, and then 25 years are gonna go by and... I'm gonna die here. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: What makes you feel qualified to judge a place after a mere interview? [Robert stares at Dwight] What are you doing..? [Dwight sits up abruptly] Stop trying to figure me out. Robert: I just did. Dwight: You can't. Robert: It's done. Dwight: No, it's not. Robert: I know you now, your nature. I'm done. Not worth continuing. [at the same time, Dwight says[/b]: You don't know me! Anything about me! Get out of my head!] Dwight: Stop trying to figure me out. [Robert turns to ignore Dwight] Do you even know anything about paper? How it's made? Robert: I saw an episode of how they make paper on Sesame Street. [nods at Dwight mockingly] Dwight: [standing up] Get out. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: I'm gonna prevent inferior men from sullying my place of work with their weak, passionless leadership. Do you see my hat? No? That's because I just threw it in the ring. [SCENE_BREAK] Merv: You guys pay for relocation, though, right? Toby: Well, why would you need relocation, if you already live in Scranton? Merv: Well, I'd want to move further away, you know? Just... I don't want any chance to run into my co-workers outside the office. Jim: Can I ask why you're leaving your current job? Merv: [pulls out a tupperware from his briefcase and takes out a tupperware] I'm leaving my other job because they were all jerks, really. [opens tupperware] You know, all of 'em. You had your jerk-wads, and your jerk-offs, so, just between the wads and the offs, I just... I had to get outta there. [begins eating sandwich] Jim: Is this a bad time to be doing this? Merv: I'm having a bad time. [chuckles] Toby: I'm sorry, if we did something to upset you, I'm sure it was inadvertent. Merv: [continues to chew, slower and slower, appears confused] Wait. [SCENE_BREAK] Merv: Oh, why did I believe that weirdo in the lobby? These are the nicest people I ever met. [SCENE_BREAK] Angela: [limo driver lets Angela out of the limo at the office parking lot] Thank you. [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: [looking at an engagement ring on Angela's finger] It's gorgeous, Angela. Kelly: Yeah, I actually know about nice rings and it is gorgeous. Meredith: [looks at ring, whispering] Wow... Angela: It's a little flashy. I mean, what am I? Naomi Judd? Meredith: Tell us the freaking story! Kevin: Yeah! Tell us a story. Angela: Okay. He took me to the replica of Monet's Japanese bridge, and then he put this flower behind my ear, which normally, I would hate, 'cause it's so civil rightsy. Then he got down on one knee, and he said, will you be a Senator's wife? Pam: [laughing] Oh-ho-ho! He talked about himself in the third person? Angela: Yes, Pam. Not everyone is as informal as you and Jim. [imitating Jim's voice] Oh, hey Pam, dude, whatever, wanna marry me? [Erin, Kelly, and Meredith laugh] Pam: That's not accurate. Angela: Then I saw flashes. Reporters were there. They always find us. And everyone was crying, even his aide. [camera pans and shows Oscar in disbelief] [SCENE_BREAK] Oscar: Angela's engaged to a gay man. As a gay man, I'm horrified. As a friend of Angela's, horrified. As a lover of elegant weddings, [smiles] I'm a little excited. [expression becomes serious again] But overall, horrified. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: Andy? You all set? Andy: Okay, guys, it's time. It's pep talk time. Tell me what I need to hear. Phyllis: Are you sure this is a good idea? I hate to see you disappointed. Andy: [grunts] Augh. [SCENE_BREAK] Erin: I think Andy should be the boss. He's just so great. If I'm being objective, then Darryl, of course. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: So, Andy, what improvements would you make as office manager? Andy: For starters, I really think we can streamline communication around here... [gets cut off by Gabe] Gabe: Whoa! That's a very heavy accusation to level against Toby. Andy: I wasn't acc-, accusing... Gabe: Well, Toby's in charge of Human Resources, that would include communication. I think that Toby's done a fine job. Andy: Right! I really wasn't trying to insult any, anyone. Toby: I didn't think you were. [SCENE_BREAK] Gabe: I have two relationships with Andy. I have a personal relationship, and I have a professional relationship. Personally, yeah, I think he's a rat, and I think he's responsible for the demise of my relationship with Erin. Professionally,... he broke up the happiest couple in this office! [SCENE_BREAK] Gabe: How many windows are there in New York City? Andy: What? Gabe: Critical thinking. Common, on-the-spot question asked in an interview. Andy: Okay. Let me think... are you counting car windows? Gabe: No... How far away is the Sun? Andy: [happily] Uh, 93 million miles. Jim: [to Gabe] Is it? Andy: Yeah! And the diameter of the Sun is 870,000 miles, which makes it 109 times wider than the Earth, and... [Gabe looks visibily annoyed] 333,000 times heavier than the Earth,... Gabe: Shut up about the Sun! SHUT UP about the SUN! [slams fist, hurting his hand] [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: [alone in his car] I am unhappy with the confusing and, at times, confrontational nature of that meeting. I wanted it to go better. I WANTED IT TO GO BETTER!! [SCENE_BREAK] Darryl: [on phone] Yes, there used to be a paper clip that would pop up and say "Looks like you are writing a letter or resume. Would you like help? I believe his name was... [looks embarrassed at camera] Clippy. [SCENE_BREAK] Creed: [on phone] First of all, I want to thank you for your years of patronizing our company. I've got some bad news. We're going out of business. [covers phone, whispers to Pam] Saving face. [uncovers phone] Yep, yep. I understand that. Basically everything is falling apart here. Pam looks around the office and realizes only she has overheard this] [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: How is this on me? [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: Hang up. [Creed hangs up] Corporate needs you to find the differences between this picture and this picture. [shows Creed two similar-looking photos of some building] Intel has told us there were at least seven. Creed: [takes the pictures] Okay I already see one, gimme. Okay. [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: They're the same picture. [SCENE_BREAK] Kelly: Well, I manage my department, and I've been doing that for several years now. And, god, I've learned a lot of life lessons along the way. Jim: Your department's just you, right? Kelly: Yes, Jim, but I am not easy to manage. Gabe: Great! [to Jim and Toby] Um, can we just... [does a "wrap it up" motion with his pen] Kelly: What was that? Gabe: We just have a lot of serious candidates to get through today, so... [nods] Kelly: [getting upset] Am I not a serious candidate? Gabe: What do you want me to say? I mean, there's a line of qualified people out there. We have a video CV from England. [to Jim and Toby] Are we all just gonna pretend to-- okay. [to Kelly] Um, what are your weaknesses? Kelly: I don't have any, assh***. Dwight: [comes in, slapping some papers on the table] I want an interview. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: [walking with Jim in the parking lot] How's the family? Jim: Good! Dwight: Good. They good? Jim: Yeah. Dwight: What's your daughter's name again? Peepee? Jim: Peepa. Dwight: Peepa, how is she? Jim: Great. Dwight: Great! Oh, that's great... We never were very good at small talk, were we, Jim? Jim: No. Dwight: Now, listen,... Jim: You're not getting an interview, Dwight. The whole point of this Search Committee process is to prevent hiring someone like you ever again. Dwight: Okay, I know why you're saying that, Jim, I really do, but think of it this way. The hand that reaches from the grave to grip your throat [motions to grip Jim's throat] is the strong hand you want on the wheel. Jim: [pulls Dwight's arm down] Okay. That's vivid. Dwight: I'm going to make you an offer. Okay? You even do so little as grant me an interview, I will guarantee you your dream work life. Okay? You roll in at 10 a.m. to your own private reserved parking spot, pick up your daily free coffee from Dwight's Caffeine Corner, unlimited s*x breaks for you and Pam... Jim: Yikes. Dwight: Erin will eat garbage for your entertainment. Jim: Well, you know how I like taking bribes. [both smile] Dwight: Ha ha! [pats Jim on the back] Jim: Unfortunately, Jo also took the job away from you because she doesn't trust your judgment. So how would that look for me, if I recommended you? Dwight: Fine. I'll do it without you, but you'll regret this. Jim: Okay. Dwight: Let me get that for you. [runs ahead to open the door for Jim] Jim: Thank you. Dwight: Okay. [looks ashamed] [SCENE_BREAK] Oscar: Pam... I think Robert is gay. Pam: The Senator? [Oscar nods] He was married before, and he has a kid. Oscar: [whispers] So!? Pam: And don't say that thing about how lots of gay guys have kids. Oscar: I have a very strong suspicion. Pam: Did you see him at a bathhouse? Oscar: What bathhouse? Pam: The windowless building by the Baskin Robbins. Oscar: [confused, whispers] What? Pam: Forget it. I'm never gonna know what goes on there. [SCENE_BREAK] Oscar: My friend at the Scranton Blade is totally plugged into these matters. Pam: You're in the gay mafia. Oscar: You're thinking of another group. Much wealthier, much older. [whispers, smiles] You sound ignorant. Ryan: You guys, um, talking Senator? Pam: No. Oscar: No. Why would we be talking about the Senator? Ryan: 'Cause he's totally gay? [walks away] [SCENE_BREAK] Ryan: Um, how do I know that Robert is gay? He "liked" my facebook photos at 3 o'clock in the morning. [SCENE_BREAK] David Brent: [on video resume on a laptop] Name? David Brent. Occupation? Inspirer. Status? None of your business. Young, free, and single, though. Thanks for asking. Hear you're looking for a new boss. Yeah? Someone to tell a bunch of discontented, underencouraged drones what to do every day. Is that it? Oh. Our out-of-touch powers that be? Want me to fire them, if they don't see things your way? Then I ain't that dude. Bye-bye, baby, bye-bye. Get some other corporate suit to lay down the law. What? You've changed your mind? You're now looking for a leader of men? Ipso facto, women too. [points at self] When do I start? Yeah. [Jim looks uninterested in this candidate] [SCENE_BREAK] Phyllis: Do you know what it took to get Bob to notice me? I waited in his office every morning wearing nothing but kitty-cat ears. I did that every day for two weeks. And on the tenth day he walked in, he was naked too, except a dog nose. Guess what we did then? Erin: [trying to cut off Phyllis] I... I don't think I can do that. Phyllis: Bestiality. Yeah. Erin: Well, that's not my personality. Phyllis: If my daughter were asking me... [both giggle] Erin: Yes? Phyllis: I would say, if you want someone, if you really want them,... go get them. [SCENE_BREAK] Erin: I do really want him. [SCENE_BREAK] Darryl: So, uh... here you go. [gives resume to Jim] Jim: Great. Darryl: Hope it's all right. Jim: I'm sure it's fine. Darryl: The guy who was in here earlier, interviewed after me, how'd he do? Jim: Howard Cline? Darryl: Ehh, that's not who I'm talking about. Jim: [checks sheet] Oh... Deshaun Williams. Darryl: Yes. How did he do? Jim: He's an amazing man. He's a Rhodes Scholar. He invented an app that invents apps. Fantastic kisser... Darryl: Come on man. I'm being serious. Don't joke. Jim: Darryl! We all know you. Your interview is not nearly as important as the other guys. [Darryl taps a couple times on Jim's desk and walks away] [SCENE_BREAK] Nellie Bertram: First, I'll take down the cubicle walls. Toby: But there aren't... Nellie: Symbol of transparency. There'd be no titles. Everyone would have the same job. Same goes for me. I'd take your job, but I'd reject the title. Gabe: A little un-specific. Nellie: Everyone would be known for their accomplishments. Jim: That's very interesting. Um, I feel like there might be a conflict there, and if a conflict did arise, how would that be dealt with? Nellie: Ooh? Yeah. Mm. Scratch everything from before. I tell you what I'd do. Go the other way. More cubicles. More division. Everyone is somebody's boss, and that person can fire the person below them. [overlapping comments by the Search Committee] At least once a month, the lowest performing person... [does a cut-throat hand gesture] bye bye! Gabe: How would you compare, like, an accountant and HR? Nellie: Well, I'll tell you how. Shall I? I'll tell you how. Gabe: Okay. Nellie: By splitting the difference. Just... just, somewhere in the middle. Jim: I think that's probably all we need to hear from... Nellie: Zen office. Hmm? Thought of that? That's what I'd do. Everyone takes their shoes off, before they come in. Okay. There'd be no desks. You just sit on the floor. Jim: That's very... Nellie: You've got a Thai woman, out in the back. Sockee! Sockee! Gabe: Okay, that's not gonna be... Nellie: Sockee!... is her name. Okay? Shes administering massage, all right, if you need it. If you don't, whatever, just talk to her! She's a person! Either way, 50 minutes of that and you...you are cracking to go. [smiles] [SCENE_BREAK] Oscar: Is there a front runner? Jim: You know what? They all just sort of blend together after a while. Oscar: Well, there must be someone who stands out. Jim: No, not at all. In fact, I'm not even taking it seriously. I think at the end of the day, I'm just gonna pick a name out of the hat. Oscar: Well... Stanley: The hell you will! I worked for the last boss for 15 years. According to my doctor, I don't have another 15 years if I want to keep up the same dietary and sexual lifestyle, which I intend to. Ryan: [in mock seriousness] Oh no, Stanley... you'll live forever... Stanley: My next boss will be my last boss. He'll be at my funeral. So I would appreciate it if you would take this seriously. [dunks his half-eaten donut in Jim's coffee, takes it back out, and leaves] Jim: Uh-- Meredith: You pick a crappy boss, you're responsible for my crappy life. [leaves] Jim: Okay, everybody, I was just making a joke. I am taking it seriously, I promise. Oscar: Are you? [leaves] Ryan: Little advice? Take a day off from the whole Jim schtick. Try caring about something. You might like how it feels... James. [closes his office door, leaving Jim alone in the break room] [SCENE_BREAK] Jo: [walks in with her dogs] Gabe, honey! Oh, lord. Take all this. [gives the dog leashes and multiple bags to Gabe] Gabe: All right. Jo: Here. Jim! Did you hear Stern this morning? Jim: No, was it good? Jo: Ohh, Robin was good. She's always good. Keeps him on his toes. Its Howard's show though. [picks up resume from Jim's desk] Whose is this? Darryl Philbin. Ohh. Very nice to see a familiar face on top. Ah... a little long aren't we? Four pages? Is this the same Darryl Philbin who's had two jobs in ten years at one company? Darryl: Yes, thanks to you, who promoted me, after we, uh, interfaced. Jo: Coordinated and implemented receipt storage and delivery of over 2.5 billion units of inventory. 2.5 billion, Darryl? 2.5 billion units of what? Darryl: Paper material, ma'am. Jo: Paper material? Darryl: [softly] Pieces of paper. [Jo rolls her eyes] Dwight: [clears throat] Jo, may I speak to you for a second? Jo: Or what? You gonna shoot me? Dwight: Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ohh, I enjoy laughing at my mistakes, because I've learned so much from them. I'd like to be interviewed for the position. Jo: I'll interview you right now. Dwight: Okay. Jo: Question 1. Ever shot a gun in the office? Dwight: It's complicated. Jo: Yeah, but see... it's not. [SCENE_BREAK] Phyllis: I don't think we should tell her. Angela went a whole day without telling me I had lettuce in my teeth. Screw her. Pam: I'm a woman. I would want to know. Meredith: Yeah, you gotta know. Kevin: Okay, but if Angela can get a gay man to marry her, maybe I could get a lesbian to marry me? Huh? Huh? That's hot. Oscar: You have met a lesbian in real life, right? Phyllis: You know, this is probably is her last chance at a family. Pam: She does seem happy. Oscar: You're right. You're right. She seems happy. We don't tell her. Kevin: We don't tell her. Pam: Okay. [SCENE_BREAK] Kelly: Excuse me, Ms. Bennett, may I have a word? Jo: Okay. Kelly: Uh,... can it be in private? [to Gabe] Don't worry, it's not about you. [Gabe smiles and leaves] As Minority Executive, I think it's my responsibility to let you know that Gabe is gross. I don't think it's professional that he was sleeping with the receptionist, and then when Erin dumped him, so that she could be with Andy, he became a total crazy stalker psycho. Jo: Welcome to Scranton, Jo. Land of a thousand problems only you can fix. [Jo's phone starts vibrating, she picks it up and sees Dwight has texted her "Dwight's ability as a manager has lead him to higher levels of proffesional success,"] Oh for god's sake. He's texting me his resume one line at a time. These are costing me ten cents a piece, you jackass! I'm roaming! [SCENE_BREAK] Creed: [to Jordan] Get me our biggest client on the phone, right this instant. [closes his office door] Jordan: Who is our biggest client? Pam: Uh, just put him through to me. Jordan: [laughs] Okay. Pam: Hello! This is... the client. Creed: It's Creed. FYI, I'm starting my own paper company, looking to poach some chumps, you in? Pam: Yes. Creed: Hehehe, cool. Let's keep this on the QT, okay? I uh, I don't want you to be a dead mamma jamma. Pam: Great. Creed: All right, thank you, bye-bye. Pam: Thank you, bye-bye. [SCENE_BREAK] Erin: [knocks and enters] Jo, you have one more candidate. He's a burn victim. Jo: Huh? Erin: [motions toward her face] He's all messed up. I can tell him to get lost if you want. Jo: No, send him in. [to Search Committee] Who is this? Gabe: I have no idea. Jim: [seeing Dwight wearing sunglasses and whose face and hands are completely covered in gauze] Oh, I know this guy. [Dwight awkwardly hands copies of his resume to the Search Committee] Hello! Mr. "Soo-ven-yay." Mr. "Jacques Soo-ven-yay." Nice to meet you. It says here you're French. [Dwight nods] So you worked at your last job for 15 years as Assistant to the Regional Manager. Dwight: [mumbling through the gauze] Assistant Regional Manager. Jim: Assistant to the Regional Manager. Dwight: [again] Assistant Regional Manager. Jim: What is it? Dwight: [in a cheesy French accent] Assistant Regional Manager. Jim: Oh, that's my mistake, sorry about that. The last paper company you worked for burned to the ground? And all because they wouldn't hire a manager who lived and breathed paper? That's a travesty. Jo: I want to talk to Dwight Schrute for a second. I want to ask him a question. [Gabe gets up to leave] If he isn't here in sixty seconds... Dwight: Uhh. Wait. Wait! No. Stop! Stop. Jo... [takes off sunglasses and reveals his face] It's me. I'm Dwight. Jim: [looks extremely confused] No. No! Wait, but, I mean, you're Dwight, and then... he's the... [trails off] Dwight: [whispers] Yeah. Jim: [looks astonished] Ohhhh! Gabe: Very unprofessional, "Jacques." Or, should I say, Dwight. Jo: Let's just say I had hired this Jack Souvenir. Then what? Dwight: I would have dressed this way every day, legally changed my name, learned French sign language, shown up, and been the best damn branch manager you'd ever seen! Jo: All that for this job. Dwight: Yes. Jo: That's f***ing crazy. [Jo and Dwight both smile] Get outta here. [Dwight leaves] What a nutjob. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: This guy was good. Although, he did keep saying that he needed two weeks off right at the beginning for a trip to the finger lakes. Seriously. Every five minutes, he was like, "just making sure the finger lakes thing is clear." Jo: Okay, it's fun to talk about the rejects, but uh, who's got ya excited? Jim: Finger Lakes guy is good. Darryl is also very good. Jo: Who's this fella? Went to Cornell. What's wrong with him? Gabe: How much time do you have? Sales ability? None. Integrity? See sales ability. [makes a "zero" hand gesture] Jo: And that's your unbiased opinion. Gabe: Yes, it is. Jo: So it's not relevant that he took the receptionist away from you? Gabe: Oh, Jo. Jo, I'm disappointed in you. Some people let personal things into the workpl-. Is she with him? Because I thought that she was... Jo: Gabe...ugh... you got all close to these people. Got involved in their lives. Let's get you back to Florida. We'll figure out something for you. Gabe: That sounds like a promotion! Jo: It's not. Let's get Kelly in here to take his place. Jim: Um... why Kelly? Jo: 'Cause Gabe's tall and weak. She's short and strong. I'm doing an opposites thing. Jim: Okay. [SCENE_BREAK] Jo: How'd my girl Nellie do? Jim: Oh, I didn't know you knew her? Jo: She didn't mention it? Jim: No. Jo: Integrity move. I like it. Jim: You know, she also gave me a reason to think that maybe she wasn't a good fit. Jo: Well, I'm not saying you must hire her. If you find someone who's clearly a fit, then fine. Just make sure they fit real good. No more manager turnover. Don't mess this up, Jim. And give Dwight an interview. I like a little bit of crazy. [SCENE_BREAK] Erin: [hiding under desk, raises a sock puppet up, talking in high-pitched voice] Ahh! Oscar: Erin, what are you doing? Erin: I've been turned into a puppet! Oscar: Okay. [walks away] Kevin: [giggling, walks to Erin's desk] Look at the puppet! Hi, puppet! Who are you? Erin: I went to drop off the FedEx forms and an evil witch named Angela turned me into a puppet! Kevin: [giggles] Yeah. Low blow, puppet. Erin: And there's only one thing that can change me back into a real girl. [SCENE_BREAK] Kevin: It's good. It's just that I wish the puppets would talk more about the alphabet. Not for me... but, if any kids are watching... A, B, and so forth. You know,... M-N-L-O, P... F... [SCENE_BREAK] Erin: [as sock puppet] I need the most special thing in the office. Dwight: Silence? Erin: A date with the best salesman... Andy Bernard! [Andy walks over to Erin's desk] Andy: Hey, Erin. Erin: [gets up] Oh. Andy: Where'd you learn how to puppet like that? Erin: [shrugs] I've done it all my life. Andy: Listen, I'm really flattered, but I don't think we should. [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: Erin's my best friend in this office, hands down, but... when she asked me out, I just didn't have that feeling, you know? [clip jumps ahead] Aren't there some things that you really want to like, but you just can't... seem to like it, like, Mad Men... or football... [clips jumps ahead] Let's not forget, Erin chose Gabe over me. That happened. I'm not going to apologize for getting over her, okay? I'm sorry. [clip jumps ahead] I would go for someone who's more... she's great, though. [SCENE_BREAK] Angela: [loudly] Stanley, I won't be able to invite everyone to the wedding, because we want to keep it to 350. Stanley: I'll get over it. Angela: I mean, we just have to see how many Senators and members of Congress want to attend, before we can open it up to regular people. Pam, you know how you and Jim did your ironic wedding? [Pam looks confused] Do you still have the plans for the dream wedding that you couldn't afford? Pam: That was our dream wedding. Angela: Niagara Falls? Pregnant? That was your dream? Pork medallions? Pam: [looks over at Oscar, who is quietly watching this happen] I hope... you have a very beautiful wedding, Angela. Angela: Hmm. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: All right. Name. Dwight: Dwight Schrute. Jim: Thank you, Mr. Schnoot. [closes his binder] We will let you know. Dwight: You have to interview me... Jim: I just did. The answer to that one question told me everything I need to know. Dwight: I demand more questions! Jim: [ignoring Dwight] All right, guys, good day, a lot of candidates. Let's discuss. Dwight: Okay! If you're not going to interview me, then I'll do it. Jim: Yes. Dwight: What will be your first priority? I will have seven first priorities. Safety, profits, fostering a community of self-reliance and entrepreneurship, listening, respect for human life, bolstering our public image, and... [chuckles] getting everyone home on time. Dwight, let me be frank. In an accident that no one can blame you for, an antique gun was discharged while you were acting manager. How are we ever to trust you again? [whispering] That's a great question. [Jim nods] I am going to institute a strict no-firearms policy for this office that extends to myself as well. Wow. All of my concerns are disappearing. Jim: Thank you, Dwight. Dwight: Thank you. [clears throat and gets up] You'll be hearing from us shortly, Mr. Schrute, and I think you're gonna like the call you're going to receive. [smiles] Oh, come on. I'm just happy that I got this meeting. [leaves] Jim: Well, that was quick. Kelly: [sighs] Very, very interesting. And you know what? I'm impressed. Jim: He's not a real candidate. Kelly: I don't know, Jim, 'cause, makes me think about something my grandfather used to say, which is that, sometimes, the hand that jumps out of the grave and grabs you around the throat; that is the hand that you want on the wheel. Jim: You took the deal. Kelly: Yeah, it was a great deal. Jim: That's not okay. Kelly: I don't know. Dwight seems like a great leader to me, and I look forward to the personal perks that he promised me privately. What do you think, Toby? Toby: Well, we could try him out for a little while... [Jim drops his pen, looks exasperated] and if it doesn't work out, you know, maybe one of us could, you know, step in... Jim: What is happening right now? [SCENE_BREAK] Phyllis: Is it true that you're making Dwight the manager? Jim: No, why would you think that? Phyllis: He and Kelly said, then they pre-fired me. Jim: Okay. [walks out of conference room] Okay, guys, just so you all know, no decision has been made, and Dwight is definitely not the boss. Kelly: That is correct. Actually, Dwight is not the manager yet. Jim: No, no, no. Not ever, 'cause that's not gonna happen. Dwight: Well, it's not entirely up to you, is it? Seems to me like someone's getting a little power-mad. Jim: Am I the only one who remembers what he did when he was in charge? I feel like I'm going a little bit crazy. Andy: Tuna... You're completely sane. Jim: Thank you. Andy: Who do you like for the job? Is there anyone who maybe was a little underwhelming at first, but now seems like a safe, if not slightly unexciting, choice? Jim: Okay, seems like everybody has an opinion. So, who else? Anybody? Kevin: Do you mean it? Anybody? Are you sure? Jim: [while sighing] I suppose I am. Kevin: Okay... well what do 'I' want in a manager?... let me see. [walks slowly across the office] what do 'I' want?... Oscar: I don't think he meant, that-- Kevin: So now anyone gets to talk at any times? Oscar: Go ahead. Kevin: What do 'I' want?... I'm looking for someone... who... [smiles] Everyone is listening to me. [Dwight looks at the camera, annoyed] Oscar: Can I say...? Jim: Yes. Oscar: I think it should be Darryl. Jim: Okay. Dwight: What a surprise! Minorities sticking together. Oscar: Kelly's on your side. Kelly: I'm sorry, is that all you think of me? A minority? I am so much more than that. I am a dancer, I'm a singer, I'm a fashion designer. Andy: Whoever it is, I think they should be lame. [Stanley shakes his head and rolls his eyes] Kind a a non-threatening, moderate personality. Ryan: I want an outsider. Jim: Perfect. There are several outside candidates that we think would be really- Ryan: No, I mean an outsider. Like someone on the margins of society, who doesn't see things the way we do, like a homeless person. Pam: A homeless person. Really? A homeless person. Ryan: No, you're right, Pam, let's just leave him to the welfare system and let that handle it. Pam: No, I want you to say that you think the 'best' person to be our new manager is a homeless person. Ryan: Let me guess who you want, Pam. Rachael Ray? The ladies of The View? [SCENE_BREAK] Ryan: I got away with... everything, under the last boss, and it wasn't good for me, at all. So, I want guidance. I want leadership. But don't just, like, boss me around, you know? Like, lead me. Lead me... when I'm in the mood... to be led. [SCENE_BREAK] Meredith: I just want, for once, a smart, professional, decisive, well-hung man in his forties. Jim: Hey! Hey! Hey! Meredith: Okay, fine. Uhh, the guy with a tiny pen1s. Are you happy? [sarcastically] Let's hire that guy! [Jim looks speechless] Andy: She may have a point there... would a small pen1s work? Small-to-moderate. Gabe: [walks in] Gotta catch a plane. Pam: Ohh, hey Gabe, I'm sorry, we... we didn't get you a cake or anything. We're gonna miss you. Gabe: Oh, well I'm still the corporate liaison to the branch. Kelly: You are not leaving without giving me a hug. [hugs Gabe] Ughh. Gabe: Okay, you know what, you don't need to make that sound. Kelly: I'm sorry! You were just a lot bonier than I thought you were gonna be! Gabe: There are plenty of people who love touching me. [camera zooms to Ryan, who looks at the camera, extremely skeptical] I'm a terrific hugger. I've been with a bunch of girls where that's basically all they want to do. I will see you all soon. Kevin: Later, man. All: [various] Good luck! Goodbye! Good luck at your new job. Ryan: Take care, man. Dwight: We're gonna miss you, Gabe. [Gabe leaves] Andy: [stands up] Uh, listen up. Listen up, ladies. I want the job. There, I said it. I'm educated. I'm capable. I like all of you... and I won't make any changes. Erin: I see it. [nods and smiles] I see it like I see a mountain that I'm standing in front of [voice cracks] and facing, and I'm like... Phyllis: Yeah. [Oscar looks confused] Yeah, Andy would be wonderful as boss. Erin made a good point. [brushes Erin's hair with her hand] [SCENE_BREAK] Phyllis: No, we're not related. I got the call. But... I'll tell her some other day. [smiles] [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: What about Darryl? We can all agree that he's a stand-up guy, right? Angela: Well, let me be clear. I only speak for myself, and not myself and the Senator. I think we have some wonderful candidates, and there's a great, lively debate here, but let's think about- Toby: No, no,... no. Sorry. We cut Kevin off for the same thing. You have to have something to say, if you talk. [Angela rolls her eyes and stops talking] Kevin: Exactly. Darryl: [enters the office with his daughter, who runs in and hugs Jim] Jada, no, no, no, Jada, what are you doing? [Jim looks knowingly at the camera] Oh. So sorry, guys. I hope my family didn't disrupt your meeting. Jada: Daddy, are these the people who are making you manager? Darryl: [sighs] Maybe, sweetheart. Single dad. Challenges. Jada: I don't know if he'd be a good manager [Jim shakes his head and looks wide-eyed at Darryl], but he's a really great dad! Darryl: Okay, shush it. This was a mistake. Let's go. [Darryl and Jada leave, Ryan slowly shakes his head] Phyllis: It seems like we all know enough to vote. Should we just vote now? Jim: What? No, no, it's not a vote. Phyllis: Then what was this all about? Jim: I don't know. This conversation really got away from me. Kelly: I don't care. They can just vote. Jim: No, they can't. That's not how this is gonna work. [exhales] We're going in this room, we're going to have a meeting. We're gonna make a recommendation to Jo, and she's gonna give you her recommendation on Monday. Okay? [to Kelly and Toby, as they re-enter the conference room] What the hell happened out there? [Kevin tries to follow, but the door is closed on him] [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: Sometimes you hear about people failing upwards. I think I'm about to do that. [SCENE_BREAK] Nellie: This job? Oh, yeah, I'll get it. Jo's an old friend. I think... I'm her best friend. She's not my best friend. [SCENE_BREAK] Darryl: Every day I have a blueberry muffin. Today, I did not have a blueberry muffin. Should have had the blueberry muffin... especially considering how incredibly superstitious I am. [SCENE_BREAK] Fred: No, I've never been more sure of anything in my life. I will be the new boss of... [looks back to glance at lobby directory] Vance Refrigeration. [SCENE_BREAK] Merv: Honestly, I think I... I sabotaged myself. It's like I'm afraid of being happy. Case in point... I was supposed to start another job today. [SCENE_BREAK] Robert: [chuckles] I will get offered the job. That's a... call I've received many times. The slight hopefulness in their voice, the pregnant pause... while they wait to hear my response, and then... my response. [SCENE_BREAK] Finger Lakes Guy: [geeky voice] I want the job. I really do. It's just, the rest of my family's in the Finger Lakes right now. I'm supposed to be in the Finger Lakes right now. I told them I was on a hike; snuck away to do this interview. I gotta get back pretty soon; they'll worry. People disappear in the Finger Lakes. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: I will run this branch, or I will destroy this branch, or... [shrugs] I don't know. Something always works out. [leaves] [SCENE_BREAK] Creed: You remind me so much of my fourth-biggest client. Pam: [in high-pitched, damsel-like voice] Is that right? Creed: I think you two should meet. Pam: Well, okay! Creed: Hey Jordana! Patch my ninth- and fourth-biggest clients together. [Pam puts down phone and picks it back up] Pam as "fourth-biggest client": [in a comedic male voice] Hello! Pam as "ninth-biggest client": [in high-pitched, damsel-like voice] Hello! Pam as "fourth-biggest client": Hi, how are ya? [Erin looks amused, Stanley and Phyllis look at Pam, confused] Pam as "ninth-biggest client": Ohho! I'm good! Don't you just love paper, and things about paper! Pam as "fourth-biggest client": Hey, are you single? This seems like a love connection to me! Creed: It's Kismet!

Jim, Toby and Gabe head up the search committee for a new manager for the branch.

fd_CSI__Crime_Scene_Investigation_05x17

fd_CSI__Crime_Scene_Investigation_05x17_0

[EXT. VARIOUS LAS VEGAS CITY LIGHTS (STOCK) - NIGHT] [INT. HOTEL CASINO - MAIN FLOOR - NIGHT] [INT. FOUR ACES- FRONT DESK - NIGHT] (Martha Krell rolls her bag to the front desk. The Front Desk Clerk looks at her.) Front Desk Clerk: Welcome back, Mrs. Krell. Martha Krell: I told you, it's Martha. (She takes her card.) Front Desk Clerk: Your room's ready and I have your credit card on file. (She turns to her co-workers as she leaves.) Martha Krell: See you in the morning. I'm beat. (The elevator door opens. She walks inside and presses the button.) Front Desk Clerk: (o.s.) Call me if you need anything, Martha. (She smiles as the elevator doors close.) (The Front Desk Clerk looks up.) (The elevator light for the second floor lights up.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. FOUR ACES MOTEL - SECOND FLOOR - NIGHT -- CONTINUOUS] (The stairwell door opens and a man in a dark-colored jacket steps out. He looks down the hallway one way, then notes the EXIT door down the other hallway.) (Off screen, the elevator bell dings.) (The man in the dark-colored jacket and white sneakers heads toward the EXIT door. He follows the hallway and sees Martha Krell heading down the hallway with her luggage in tow.) (He starts walking quickly and purposefully toward her.) (Martha Krell reaches the motel room door and uses the card key to unlock the door.) (The man reaches Martha Krell quickly. He swiftly grabs her and pushes his way into her motel room, her scream muffled by his hand over her mouth.) WHITE FLASH TO: [INT. FOUR ACES MOTEL - KRELL'S ROOM] (Brass, Grissom and Sara walk into the room. Officers are there.) Brass: Decedent's name is Martha Krell. Flight attendant. She checked in this afternoon. (Brass stops near the bed where Martha is dead on the bed, her blood seeping into the sheets.) Brass: Apparently, she was stabbed to death. The coroner's en route. (Grissom and Sara put their kits down.) Grissom: Weird ... no sign of struggle. (They look around the room.) Brass: No clothes, no luggage. Sara: Bedspread's undisturbed. (Sara notes the trash bin.) Trashcan is empty and the inside is spotless. It's possible a liner's been removed. (Grissom looks at the dead body.) Brass: Take a whiff. Grissom: Smells clean. Brass: Smells like a hospital. Sara: Bleaches and deodorizers. Killer attacked the victim, then cleaned and sanitized the room. Grissom: Ah, but here's the smell of the blood still, and all the perfumes in Arabia will not sweeten this little room. FADE TO END OF TEASER ROLL TITLE CREDITS [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. FOUR ACES MOTEL - STREET OUT FRONT -- NIGHT] (Officer car lights flash.) [INT. FOUR ACES MOTEL - KRELL'S ROOM] (Close-up: The DFP450 thermometer gage reads 83 degrees. David Phillips removes it from the liver.) (A camera snaps and flashes.) David Phillips: Her liver temp's 83 degrees. She's been dead approximately ten hours. (Sara is taking picture of the body.) Sara: I'd like to get a clear photo of her wounds. Can we lay her out? David Phillips: Oh, yeah. Grab her feet. (Sara puts her camera down. She grabs the feet while David holds on to the victim's upper body. As they flatten the body out, we hear the joints cracking.) (David picks up the victim's bloodied hand and looks at it.) David Phillips: Defensive wounds. (Sara picks up her camera and takes more photos.) David Phillips: Incised. (He looks down the body at the stab wounds. Sara snaps more photos.) David Phillips: At least a dozen. Sara: She did not want to die. (Off screen, the motel room door opens. Greg walks in with his kit.) Greg: I just got the call. (Sara turns and looks at Greg.) Greg: Where's Grissom? Sara: Bathroom. (Greg tilts his head, puzzled.) Sara: Working the, uh, case. (Greg heads for the bathroom.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. FOUR ACES MOTEL - KRELL'S ROOM -- BATHROOM] (Greg walks into the bathroom and finds Grissom sitting in the tub holding his flashlight down at the drain.) Greg: Hey. Grissom: Hand me my multi-tool, will ya, Greg? I need a Phillips. (Greg puts his kit down and picks up Grissom's multi-tool. He takes out the Phillips screwdriver and hands it to Grissom.) (Grissom takes the tool and starts unscrewing the drain.) Greg: What are you doing? Grissom: Well, the stabbing was brutal, but the crime scene is clean. No cast-off, no spatter. So, I want to know if the killer washed blood down the drain. (Grissom removes the drain cover. He holds it up and looks at its underside with his flashlight. He puts it aside. He uses the forceps and removes a wad of hair in the drain. He holds it up and looks at it with his flashlight.) Grissom: Swab and phenol this, will ya? (Greg takes a swab from Grissom's open kit on the toilet and kneels down to swab the wad of hair. He tests it with phenol and the swab tip turns pink.) Greg: Blood. (Grissom holds out the wad of hair for Greg to take.) Grissom: Label it. Send it to DNA. (Greg takes the forceps from Grissom.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. FOUR ACES MOTEL - KRELL'S ROOM -- CONTINUOUS] (Close-up of: Martha Krell is on the gurney. The coroner covers her with a sheet.) (Grissom steps out of the bathroom. He removes his latex gloves and watches as the coroner wheels out the victim's body. He heads over to Sara.) (Sara is dusting the hotel table. Grissom stops and stands next to her.) Sara: Usually in hotel rooms, we find too many prints. (She sighs.) Not a single one. Just wipes and swipes. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. FOUR ACES MOTEL - LOBBY -- NIGHT] (Brass interviews the Front Desk Clerk.) Front Desk Clerk: Ms. Krell was a real nice lady. She brought me a Dodger baseball cap. Brass: Wow. So you were friends? Front Desk Clerk: Not really. Airlines buy a chunk of rooms for their trolley dollies, discounted. She's just staying here for a few months. Brass: So you discovered the body. Front Desk Clerk: Her supervisor called to say her A.M. flight was canceled. She wasn't answering her phone. He asked me to make sure she got the message. Brass: So you knocked on her door, and when she didn't answer, you just went right in? Front Desk Clerk: Yeah. I got a master key. Brass: Yeah, I knew that. Does the hotel have surveillance? Front Desk Clerk: Nope. Brass: Thank you. You've been a big help. Front Desk Clerk: Right on. (The Front Desk Clerk leaves. Hayden Michael steps up toward Brass.) Hayden Michaels: Excuse me. I'm Hayden Michaels. I'm the Manager of the Four Aces. I just got the call. Anything we can do to help? Brass: Thank you. I'll let you know. Hayden Michaels: Detective, if this hits the media, this is really going to hurt our business. Brass: What are you asking me? Hayden Michaels: Anything you can do to keep it out of the press? Brass: Look, I'm trying to catch a killer. I got no control over the press. If this makes the news, then it is what it is. (Brass turns and leaves.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) - DAY] [EXT. HAWKINS' RESIDENCE - DAY] (Officers put up crime scene tape around the front of the house.) (Catherine and Nick exit their vehicle and head for the house carrying their kits. They pass an officer escorting Martin Hawkins out the front walk, another officer escorting Yvonne Hawkins and a third officer escorting their son, Matthew Hawkins.) (The officer opens the back seat car door for Martin Hawkins.) (Catherine passes Matthew Hawkins on her way to the house.) (Detective Chris Cavaliere meets up with Catherine and Nick.) Det. Chris Cavaliere: Hey. Victim's in the bedroom. Ty Hawkins, 12. (He leads them into the house.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. HAWKINS' RESIDENCE - TY'S BEDROOM -- AFTERNOON] (David Phillips removes the thermometer and puts the sheet down.) Det. Chris Cavaliere: Mother came in to wake him ... found him like this. (Det. Cavaliere, Nick and Catherine look at the little boy bruised and beaten under the bed sheet. Nick sighs.) Nick: Beaten to death. Det. Chris Cavaliere: This many blows; it was personal. David Phillips: Liver temp makes T.O.D. around midnight. Det. Chris Cavaliere: No sign of forced entry. Nothing's missing. All the doors and windows were locked except for the screen door. Parents claim they keep that locked. Catherine: You find a weapon? Det. Chris Cavaliere: Negative. Family's been transported down to the station. I'm gonna go down and take their statement. Hey, when you're done here, roll by. We'll ink them. Nick: You got it. (Det. Cavaliere leaves.) Catherine: Boy's not even safe in his own bed. (Nick sighs again.) Catherine: I'll take the inside. Nick: Yeah, I could use the fresh air. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. HAWKINS' RESIDENCE - TY'S BEDROOM -- AFTERNOON] (Catherine takes a swab of Ty Hawkins' bed. She picks up the bat and looks at the knob at the base of the bat handle. She swabs the head of the bat. She puts the bat down and tests it. Negative. She looks at the swab.) (Catherine removes the sheets off the bed.) (Camera pulls back out of the bedroom through the bedroom window and out of the house ... [EXT. HAWKINS' RESIDENCE - BACKYARD-AFTERNOON -- CONTINUOUS] ( ... where Nick is standing with his camera to take a photo of the shoe print in the dirt just outside Ty Hawkins' bedroom window.) (He puts the ruler aside and puts a metal ring around the shoe print. He smashes the bag of plaster and pours it over the shoe print.) (Nick stands up.) (Camera zooms back into the house through the bedroom window ... [INT. HAWKINS' RESIDENCE - TY'S BEDROOM - AFTERNOON -- CONTINUOUS] ( ... where Catherine is standing near the shelves dusting them for prints.) INTERCUT WITH: [EXT. HAWKINS' RESIDENCE - BACKYARD-AFTERNOON -- CONTINUOUS] (Nick has found the word "BRAT" written on the bedroom window. He dusts it.) (Inside, Catherine dusts the window jalousies.) (Outside, Nick dusts the word on the window glass. He leans in close and snaps a photo of it.) [INT. HAWKINS' RESIDENCE - UTILITY ROOM - AFTERNOON -- CONTINUOUS] (Catherine walks into the utility room and opens the washer. She takes out some bed sheets and other clothing. She uses an ALS on the clothes and finds some urine stains on the clothing and the bed sheets.) [EXT. HAWKINS' RESIDENCE - BACKYARD-AFTERNOON -- CONTINUOUS] (Nick walks over to the trash bins. On the ground are some heavy lead pipes. He snaps photos of it. He picks one up and looks at the treading at the bottom. He puts the pipe down and snaps a photo of it.) [EXT. HAWKINS' RESIDENCE - DRIVEWAY -AFTERNOON -- CONTINUOUS] (Catherine opens the back of their SUV. She takes her sunglasses off. Nick walks up to her carrying a lead pipe.) Nick: Found a pile of pipes by the side of the house; one seems to be missing. This is an exemplar of a possible murder weapon. And I cast a shoe impression just outside the kid's bedroom window. Also some graffiti on the window -- B-R- A-T. Maybe somebody had it in for the kid. (Catherine slips her jacket on.) Catherine: Well, I bagged the bloody sheets from the bed. Found boxers, a t-shirt and a fitted sheet in the washer. ALS'd for blood, found urine. Nick: (nods) Mm. Well, whoever killed the boy knew how to get in and out of this house without waking the family. (Catherine closes the back door.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) - DAY] [INT. CSI - FORENSIC AUTOPSY -- DAY] (Robbins goes over Martha Krell's body with Grissom.) Robbins: No mystery here. Ms. Krell was violently stabbed to death. C.O.D. exsanguination. Grissom: SAE kit? Robbins: She was raped. Contusions to the vaginal introitus and an eighth-inch hemorrhagic laceration at the vaginal fourchette. Six o'clock position. The attack was brutal. Grissom: Aren't they always? I don't know why people think that rape has anything to do with s*x. Robbins: If a guy just wants s*x, he can hire a hooker. Grissom: What else? Robbins: Well, there is some good news. Motile sperm in the t mount. I've sent the kit to DNA for analysis. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - ECKLIE'S OFFICE -- DAY] (Open on the writing on the side of a file storage box: STEIN, SUE MAY 12 1999 (Sara walks to the office and lingers in the doorway.) Sara: (smiles) Ecklie, what's up? (Ecklie looks at Sara.) Conrad Ecklie: I paged Grissom. (Sara walks into the office.) Sara: And he paged me. How can I help you? Conrad Ecklie: Five years ago, there was this, uh, day-shift case, homicide. (Ecklie lays out the photos on the trace table. Sara moves in closer for a better look.) The victim was a flight attendant named Sue Stein from Palo Alto, California. (Sara moves to stand next to Ecklie.) She was raped and murdered in a local hotel. Killer was never apprehended. (Camera focuses in on a particular photo of the victim. She's dressed in her underwear and on her side on the bed. A similar scene to the one she just left.) (Quick flashback to: [FOUR ACES MOTEL - DAY] David Phillips is standing over the victim's body while Sara snaps photos of her.) (End of flashback. Resume to present.) (CU: Sara's eyes. She looks at the photos on the table. The crime scene from five years ago is very similar to the one they're investigating. The victim is on the bed bloodied from stab wounds. There are defensive cuts on her left hand.) (Quick flashback to: [FOUR ACES MOTEL - DAY] David Phillips lifts up Martha Krell's bloodied right hand.) (End of flashback. Resume to present.) (Camera pans over the photos of the immaculate motel room from five years ago.) (Quick flashback to: [FOUR ACES MOTEL - DAY] Camera moves over the table wiped clean.) (End of flashback. Resume to present.) (CU: Sara's eyes. She looks at the photos on the table. Ecklie looks at Sara.) Conrad Ecklie: Vic's clothing and suitcase were missing. Room was immaculate, smelled like disinfectant. Sara: Same signature. Conrad Ecklie: One difference. In the, uh, prior case, body was found in a first floor room. Sliding glass door facing the pool was unlocked. Sara: Ms. Krell was killed on the second floor. There was only one way into her room. (Ecklie nods.) Sara: Was there semen present in Sue Stein's SAE kit? Conrad Ecklie: Yeah. Ran it through CODIS. No hit. I asked Mia to compare it with the semen from the recent attack. Sara: Is that fingerprint from your crime scene? (Ecklie hands the print tape and photo to Sara.) Conrad Ecklie: Only print we found. Impressed in Sue's blood on the bedspread near her hips. Underlying pattern on the fabric made it impossible to read. Sara: That was then. (Sara looks at Ecklie.) This is now. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - INTERVIEW ROOM -- DAY] (Nick fingerprints Martin Hawkins.) Martin Hawkins: (upset) My son's dead. Why are you fingerprinting me? Nick: The Crime Lab is going to dust your house for prints, so I need to know which ones are yours. (Nick rips open a towel wipe and hands it to Martin Hawkins. Det. Chris Cavaliere questions Martin Hawkins.) Det. Chris Cavaliere: Now, your wife said that you both went to bed after the news. Martin Hawkins: I already told you that. Twice. (Martin Hawkins nervously wipes his ink-stained fingertips on the towelette.) Martin Hawkins: You know, I ... I got questions, too, you know. Why Ty? (He swallows.) Why not me? (Nick looks at Det. Cavaliere.) Martin Hawkins: How could my wife and I sleep ... (He takes a deep breath.) ... through it all? Nick: Mr. Hawkins, would you stand up, facing me, so I can take some photos? Martin Hawkins: (upset) Is this really necessary? Det. Chris Cavaliere: Please, just let him do his job. Sir ... (Martin Hawkins stands up. Nick raises his camera and snaps several photos - from his face down to his shoes.) (Martin Hawkins glances over at Det. Cavaliere. Det. Cavaliere looks away.) (Nick takes out a swab.) Nick: Open up. (Nick holds out a swab. Martin Hawkins opens his mouth. Nick swabs the inside of his mouth.) Nick: I'll be needing to take your shoes as well. You can wear some booties home. Martin Hawkins: What now? Det. Chris Cavaliere: You and your wife are free to go. Martin Hawkins: What about Matt? Det. Chris Cavaliere: He has to stay here in protective custody until this is resolved. (Det. Cavaliere glances at Nick. Martin Hawkins glances at Nick. Nick nods.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - HALLWAY - DAY - CONTINUOUS] (Yvonne Hawkins sits in the hallway chair waiting. Martin Hawkins walks out and sees her.) Martin Hawkins: Yvonne? (He walks over to her.) Hey. (They hug.) (Det. Cavaliere waits in the back.) Yvonne Hawkins: They're keeping Matt. Martin Hawkins: I know. He'll be home soon. It's just procedure. (He turns and looks at Det. Cavaliere.) Right? (Det. Cavaliere nods.) Det. Chris Cavaliere: Right. Martin Hawkins: Can we at least speak to him? Det. Chris Cavaliere: Can't allow that. (Yvonne Hawkins turns and looks at Matthew sitting in the waiting room nursing a can of something to drink. She turns back and looks at Robert.) Martin Hawkins: Come on, let-let's go. Come on. (Nick walks out and watches them. Martin and Yvonne Hawkins leave. Matthew waves to them as they go.) (Nick looks at Det. Cavaliere.) Nick: You just gonna let them go? Det. Chris Cavaliere: Neither has a record, no motive. There's no blood on them. Nick: Well, they could've showered, tossed their clothes. Det. Chris Cavaliere: Their grief is not an act. Nick: Yeah, based on what? Det. Chris Cavaliere: Years of listening to the parents of dead children. Let's go talk to this kid. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - DNA LAB] (Greg walks into the lab. Mia is at the counter working. She doesn't look up when he stops near her.) Greg: Hey, Mia. (He notices that she's got earplugs on. He waves a hand in front of her face to get her attention. She takes the earplugs out.) Greg: Let me guess; you're listening to something classy like Jessica or Ashlee. ( Man speaking French through headset ) (Mia smugly gives Greg a plug. He sticks it in his ear and hears a male voice speaking in French.) Mia Dickerson: It's ... Jean-Paul Sartre. "Huis clos." (Greg shakes his head.) "No Exit?" (Greg takes the earplug out and looks at it.) It loses something in a translation. Greg: Oui, oui. Mia Dickerson: The blood from the hairy wad that you found in the drain is consistent with the victim. Greg: And what about the semen from Martha's SAE? Mia Dickerson: That's consistent with the DNA from the first attack. You are looking at the same rapist. I want to show you something. Greg: Really? (She points to the microscope. They exchange places and Greg looks through the scope.) [SCOPE VIEW:] (Sperm with red spots around it.) Greg: This guy's immune system doesn't recognize his own sperm. Antibodies are attacking the little guys. Mia Dickerson: I read about this phenomenon in a forensic journal ... Greg: November, 2003. Killer had a vasectomy, then had it reversed. Mia Dickerson: Oui, oui. Greg: Thanks, Mia. (Mia nods and smiles as Greg leaves.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - FORENSIC AUTOPSY] (Close-up of: Ty Hawkins' bashed and beaten face is on the monitor. Camera moves aside and we find Robbins going over the body with Catherine.) Robbins: How could a boy have made someone so mad? C-O-D is blunt-force trauma. I counted fourteen separate blows. Several more were coinciding. Cylindrical weapon, about an inch in diameter. Catherine: Consistent with a pipe? Robbins: Yeah. In fact, check this out. (Quick CGI POV: Close-up of Ty Hawkins' head and a particular bruising indentation in his left forehead that looks to be in the shape of the threads of the pipe. The virtual image of a pipe is placed over the matching wound.) Robbins: (V.O.) Thread pattern's consistent with the end of a pipe. (The virtual pipe vanishes.) (End of CGI POV. Resume to present.) (Catherine picks up Ty Hawkins' hand and looks at it.) Catherine: He's got no defense wounds. Robbins: Yeah. My guess, he never woke up. (Catherine looks at the beaten little boy and shakes her head.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - INTERVIEW ROOM -- DAY] (Nick sits across the table from Matthew Hawkins. Matthew puts his shoe on the table for Nick.) (Det. Cavaliere starts in on Matthew.) Det. Chris Cavaliere: You're not fooling me, kid. The second I laid eyes on you, I knew how it went down. You took a pipe from the backyard, you went into Ty's bedroom, and while he was sleeping, you beat his brains to a pulp. (Nick glances at Det. Cavaliere.) Det. Chris Cavaliere: Now, what the hell's wrong with you, kid? Your little brother is dead. What did he ever do to you? (Matthew looks at Nick. Det. Cavaliere gets in Matthew's face.) Det. Chris Cavaliere: Now, don't look at him. He can't help you. Nobody can help you. You're going to prison. And at fourteen, that means life. (shouts) I'm talking to you, you little ... ! (Matthew jumps. Nick interrupts him.) Nick: Detective ... can I have a word with you outside, please? (Nick and Det. Cavaliere leave the room.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS] (Nick closes the door behind them.) Nick: We don't have enough evidence to suggest that that boy killed his brother. Det. Chris Cavaliere: Well, what are you getting at? Nick: I'm saying I'm not sure if threatening him is the right tactic right now. I found no blood on his clothes. The screen door could have been the point of entry. (Det. Cavaliere shakes his head.) I mean, have you considered asking him what he heard or-or saw before you just put the full court press on him? Det. Chris Cavaliere: (scoffs) I don't tell you how to collect the evidence. Nick: No, you don't. Look, there's no disrespect here, okay? We're all on the same team. Det. Chris Cavaliere: Then get to the lab and get me something that I can use. (Det. Cavaliere turns and leaves. Nick sighs.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - PRINT LAB] (CU: The photo of the blood-stained print on the material is on the monitor. Sara walks into the lab and stands next to the Neil Jansen, the print tech.) Sara: Hey. Neil Jansen: Hey. Call me a geek, but background subtraction application software is the bomb. Sara: Only geeks still say "the bomb." But it you ask me, geeks should be revered. Neil Jansen: Okay. Um, the technology's pretty new. You'll get hammered on cross, but it definitely works. (He hits a key on the keyboard.) Okay, check it out. So the fingerprint is blood-red -- that's the shade we use for the color identifier -- and now the preprogrammed algorithm is just removing all the other colors from the fabric, and we're left with just the print. It's ... Sara: Mind if I watch? Neil Jansen: Voyeur, huh? I like that. Sara: Geek. (The monitor shows the pattern removed, leaving the bloodstain and the print.) Sara: Wow. Neil Jansen: Yeah. Right. (He hits some keys on the keyboard.) Neil Jansen: Scan this into I-AFIS, and here we go. (The print is automatically scanned into the database and searches the database. The computer beeps.) (The results read: ACHESON, JESSE EYES: BLUE HAIR: DARK BLONE WGT: 205 LBS HGT RACE: CAUCASIAN s*x: MALE ADDRESS: 288 TYLER RD. HENDERSON, NV 89101 CRIMINAL HISTORY JANUARY 1998-APRIL 1999: POSSESSION OF COCAINE WITH THE INTENT TO SELL (1ST OFFENSE) JULY 1999 - JANUARY 2000: POSSESSION OF COCAINE WITH THE INTENT TO SELL (2ND OFFENSE) JUNE 2000 - MAY 2002: POSSESSION OF COCAINE WITH THE INTENT TO SELL (3RD OFFENSE) NOVEMBER 2002 - SEPTEMBER 2004: POSSESSION OF COCAINE WITH THE INTENT TO SELL (4TH OFFENSE) Neil Jansen: Got yourself a hit. "Jesse Acheson. 38. "Multiple convictions, cocaine possession, intent to sell. In and out of prison for the past ... seven years. Sara: Was he in or out on May 12, 1999? Neil Jansen: Out. Sara: What about last night? Neil Jansen: Released six months ago. Living in Henderson. Sara: Thanks, Neil. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. LAS VEGAS COMMUNITY (STOCK) - DAY] Cue Sound: (PRE-LAP) KNOCKING [INT. ACHESON RESIDENCE - DAY] (Brass knocks on the door of house #25153. Sara is with him as well as another officer.) Michelle Acheson: (through door) Who is it? Brass: Las Vegas police. (The door opens. Michelle Acheson, wearing a VEGAS VEGAS sparkly shirt glares at them.) Brass: We're looking for Jesse Acheson. Michelle Acheson: Hey, look, my husband hasn't used since he got out of the joint, so whatever you think he did, you're wrong. Brass: Do you know where he is? Michelle Acheson: No idea. Brass: Well, your marriage is just full of romance, huh? Sara: May we come in? Michelle Acheson: Nah, I don't think so. Sara: Just one more question. Do you happen to know where he was last night? Michelle Acheson: No. I, uh, I haven't seen him in days. Sara: Thank you. (She slams the door on them. Brass looks at Sara.) Brass: That was fun. Sara: Brass, ... (She looks at Brass and the officer.) Sara: You guys get in your cars, drive around the block. Pick me up in five minutes. Brass: (nods) We'll be close. (He and the officer head for their cars, leaving Sara in front of the front door.) (We hear the sounds of the car doors opening.) (Sara peers into the house through the window. We hear the sounds of a touch-tone phone beeping as Michelle Acheson makes a call.) Michelle Acheson: (to phone) Jesse, cops were just here. What the hell's going on? (Sara watches and listens in on the one-sided conversation.) (In the background, we see the cop car pulling away.) Michelle Acheson: (to phone) No, I didn't tell them where you are! I don't know where the hell you are! And when are you coming home? Jesse ... (She pulls the phone away from her ear. We can only surmise that Jesse hung up on her.) Damn you! (She hangs up.) (Sara pulls back away from the window.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - LAB] (Nick compares the shoe print samples taken from: SUSPECT: HAWKINS, MARTIN CASE #42396-NS-03/10/05 With the original shoe print found in the dirt: VICTIM: HAWKINS, TY CASE #42396-NS-03/10/05 SHOE IMPRESSION: EXTERIOR BEDROOM (It's not a match.) INTERCUT WITH: [INT. CSI - LAB] (Catherine examines the victim's clothing. She finds a strand of hair and puts it on a tape. She puts it under the scope and finds that it's a match to another hair.) (She looks at the shirt and finds something else. She takes a tape lift of it.) (Nick reaches for the next shoe print for: SUSPECT: HAWKINS, MATTHEW CASE #42396-NS-03/10/05 (It's a match.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - HALLWAY - DAY] (Nick reports to Catherine.) Nick: The shoe impression outside Ty's window matches the brother's. Catherine: Yeah, I got a hair off of Ty's t-shirt. Also consistent with Matt. Nick: Either of which could be related to the murder or just a result of two brothers living together. Catherine: Yeah. Nick: What's in the bindle? Catherine: Uh, blue fibers. Got them off the vic's t-shirt. Nick: Nobody in the family was wearing anything blue. Catherine: No, but you know, could be from a blanket, a carpet, towel. I'll take them to Trace. Nick: Yeah. (They continue walking.) Nick: Hey, I am concerned that Detective Cavaliere's moving ahead of Forensics on this one. Catherine: He can move as fast as wants. The D.A. won't file without the physical evidence. And right now, we got nothing. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - A/V LAB] (Sara is working on the geography. She shows Grissom what she's found.) (She shows the Acheson residence on the map on the monitor.) Sara: Sandra Acheson called her husband at exactly 3:03 P.M. today. I secured a 2703-D court order for the number she was calling. It was a cell phone. I contacted the cell phone company and found out that Jesse answered his phone near tower 8, Phase West. Given the signal strength, he was within two blocks of the tower. (She shows the tower on the map and the signal range in yellow.) Sara: His wife said that she hasn't seen him in several days, so I had Homicide check registration at all the hotels within the yellow area. He is booked at the Tangiers. (She shows the Tangiers inside the yellow area on the map.) Grissom: Well done. (Sara smiles.) (Greg walks into the room to report what he's found.) Greg: Get this -- the rapist's semen came back positive for cocaine. Grissom: We don't usually run a panel for semen, Greg. Greg: I know that, but given our suspect's priors for blow, I had a tech run an immunoassay specific to the drug. Grissom: (impressed) Wow. You guys are rendering me obsolete. (Greg smiles.) Sara: So, Jesse gets coked up, he commits the crime, he drives down to the strip and he checks into the Tangiers. Greg: The gift show's in town. There aren't any vacancies on the strip. Sara: Well, his wife said that she hadn't seen him in a few days. Grissom: Maybe he's back in the game again, selling coke to out-of-town businessmen from the comfort and security of his hotel room. Sara: So, he takes a break from his job, rapes and kills the vic at another hotel, and then goes back to work? Grissom: Even cokeheads need a diversion now and then. (Grissom looks at Greg, who shrugs.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT -- BULLPEN] (Nick walks into the bullpen and heads over to Det. Cavaliere.) Nick: Hey. Det. Chris Cavaliere: Hi, Stokes. Solve the case? (Nick chuckles.) Nick: I'm getting there. Nothing definitive as of yet. Which means you can't hold Matt Hawkins for longer than his twenty-four hours. Det. Chris Cavaliere: Really? Well, you know, uh ... I got a signed confession. (Det. Cavaliere hands Nick a file folder. He stands up.) Nick: Really? Det. Chris Cavaliere: Mm-hmm. Sort of kicks the crap out of your "evidence," now, doesn't it? Nick: He confessed? Det. Chris Cavaliere: Signed. Check it. Nick: Did you beat it out of him? (Det. Cavaliere chuckles as he heads out of the bullpen. Nick follows him.) Det. Chris Cavaliere: (scoffs) No, I used science, kind of like you guys. Nick: Mm, how's that? Det. Chris Cavaliere: I put him on a computer voice stress analyzer. Once I caught him lying, he gave it right up. (Det. Cavaliere puts a file folder in the holder and takes out another file folder.) Nick: That device has been discredited for years. Det. Chris Cavaliere: Well, check their web site. It's still used in 1,400 state and local agencies. Nick: Well, not in Las Vegas. Or anywhere else in this state. Say, was an advocate or a parent present at the time of the confession? Det. Chris Cavaliere: He didn't ask for his mommy and daddy. Long as he says he understands his rights, we don't have to have anyone there with him. Nick: He tell you why he did it? Det. Chris Cavaliere: No, but he will. Hey, listen, Stokes, thanks for trying to help, but we got him. (Det. Cavaliere leaves.) Nick: Okay. (Camera holds on Nick.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - HALLWAY] (Brass and Grissom walk through the hallway.) Brass: So, I just got back from the Tangiers. The G.M. won't let us into Jesse Acheson's room without a search warrant, and the judge denied our request. Grissom: I'll talk to the judge. Brass: I'll bring Acheson in for questioning, I guess. Grissom: Could you just keep him under surveillance for now, let Greg tag along with your guy? We might learn something. Brass: Sure, I'll get him a bag of donuts. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - LOCKER ROOM - DAY] (Warrick and Nick are in the locker room.) Warrick: I was testifying today. I ran into the D.A. He filled me in on your case. (Warrick removes his jacket.) Looks like Matt Hawkins' confession is gonna stand up in court. Nick: Suspects are tricked into confessing all the time, but I'm telling you, Cavaliere intimidated that boy. Man, he would've signed anything. Warrick: So you think he's innocent? Nick: Could be. I checked the crime stats for the Hawkins neighborhood. There's been a rash of nuisance calls. There's some homeless guy running around out there peeping in windows, urinating in public, attempted B and E. Warrick: Sounds like a suspect. Nick: I'm gonna go back out there, see if the Hawkins know anything about it. (Nick closes his locker.) Warrick: Need some help? Nick: You got that kind of time? (Nick puts his jacket on.) Warrick: I'll meet you in the car. Nick: Thanks, Rick. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) -- DAY] [INT. JUDGE WITHERSPOON'S CHAMBERS -- DAY] (Judge Witherspoon goes through the files on the desk while Grissom waits.) Judge Witherspoon: You expect me to invade Mr. Acheson's privacy based upon a five-year-old fingerprint that was manipulated on a computer? Grissom: It wasn't manipulated -- it was processed. That's what we do. Judge Witherspoon: Try getting that one past a defense attorney. It's one thing to send a print through AFIS; it's another thing to use ... a "background subtraction algorithm" to isolate the print from a bedspread. Grissom: It's not my fault that the courts lag behind our technology. Judge Witherspoon: Gil. I'm sympathetic to your request, but if I grant a warrant based upon this print, and the print is later thrown out of court, then everything you find as a result of it would be excluded, and your pattern rapist could be back on the street. Give me something else -- I'll be happy to grant you a warrant. Grissom: Your honor, I need the warrant in order to find something else. (She closes the file folder and hands it to Grissom.) Judge Witherspoon: You'll find another way. (He takes the folder from her.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. SIDEWALK -- DAY] (Officer Akers holds a photo of Jesse Acheson.) (Camera refocuses and we see Jesse Acheson sitting at a table drinking his coffee.) Officer Akers: Kind of like bird-watching, ain't it? (Greg is sitting next to the Officer.) Greg: I wouldn't know. Officer Akers: You bored? (Greg sighs.) Greg: I'm bored. (He chuckles.) Officer Akers: So, I got a question. (Greg takes a sip from his coffee.) I hear the killer completely wiped down the crime scene. So why do you think he left his semen behind? Could've worn a condom. Greg: Well, before committing a crime, a typical serial rapist will often m*st*rb*t* to his perfect rape-murder fantasy. Didn't wear a condom then, didn't want to wear one during the act. Besides, the DNA isn't on file. It wasn't much of a risk. (Jesse Acheson puts his cup down on the table. He folds his magazine, picks up his glasses and puts them on as he stands up. He leaves.) Officer Akers: Litterbug. Greg: CSI's don't mind the bugs. (Greg picks up the coffee cup and puts it in a plastic bag.) Greg: If the DNA on this cup matches the seminal DNA, Grissom won't need a warrant. We'll be making an arrest. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) - NIGHT] [INT. HAWKINS' RESIDENCE - LIVING ROOM -- NIGHT] (Nick and Warrick talk with Yvonne and Martin Hawkins.) Yvonne Hawkins: We're not unfit parents. Please, we just want to speak with our son. Martin Hawkins: We called the detective, but no one will tell us anything. Nick: Right now your son's under investigation. Yvonne Hawkins: What? Nick: Yeah, the detective asked him if he wanted a parent or advocate present at the interrogation. He's fourteen years old, so it's his right to say no. Martin Hawkins: But he's just a kid. I mean, he just lost his brother. Yvonne Hawkins: Matt's sensitive. He doesn't handle stress well. If we-we-we could just talk to him. (softly) He may need a change of clothes. Nick: Were those his clothes in the washer? Yvonne Hawkins: Yeah. Nick: Okay, we'll see what we can do about getting him something to wear. Warrick: In the meantime, if you could just answer the question. Yvonne Hawkins: You want to know about that homeless guy? Warrick: Yeah. Yvonne Hawkins: He's nuts. He-he scared the boys once or twice, but ... Warrick: How did he scare them? Martin Hawkins: Ty saw him writing something on the window. Nick: Was it "brat"? Martin Hawkins: Yeah. I chased him away. Matt ... cleaned off the window. Nick: That would explain the shoe impressions outside the bedroom window. Yvonne Hawkins: You're thinking that that guy had something to do with what happened? Nick: Well, that's what we're trying to find out. Yvonne Hawkins: (crying) Oh, God. I knew we should've called the cops. Warrick: When was the last time that you saw him? Martin Hawkins: I jog through that park every evening. Um, he's got this, uh ... makeshift tent thing set up by the playground. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. PLAYGROUND - NIGHT] (Lights flash from the officers' parked cars. An officer gets out of his car and hurries across the grass. Nick and Warrick rush across the grass over to the homeless man's tent hidden in the brush.) (Officers reach in and pull the homeless man out.) Walter (homeless man): What? Hey! Stop it! Officer: Come on! Get up! Walter (homeless man): Let me ... let me go! (They pull Walter to his feet. He struggles against the three officers.) Walter (homeless man): Let go of me! Stop it! Officer Metcalf: Hey, what's your name? Walter (homeless man): What? Officer Metcalf: Tell the gentlemen your name. Walter (homeless man): Walter! My name is Walter! Nick: Walter, that's a nice blue sweater. Where'd you get it? Walter (homeless man): What? Nick: I said I like your sweater -- where'd you get it? Walter (homeless man): It's mine! Nick: Oh, it's yours? (We see the bloodstains on the sweater.) Walter (homeless man): Yes, this is my sweater! Warrick: Whose blood is it on your sweater, Walter? Walter (homeless man): Huh? Warrick: We're gonna give you a nice warm place to sleep tonight, partner. Walter (homeless man): Wha-- ? (He looks around, surprised and not happy.) Nick: Suspicion of murder. (The officers lead Walter toward their cars. He trips and falls to the ground, screaming.) Walter (homeless man): No! No! Nick: Easy with the sweater. It's evidence. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - DNA LAB - NIGHT] (Mia reports her findings to Sara and Greg.) Mia Dickerson: So, I processed the DNA from the coffee cup, and it turns out that there were two contributions on the lip, which means that your coffee shop recycles, and not in the good way. Sara: Gross. Mia Dickerson: Bad news is that neither of the contributions is consistent with the semen that was recovered from the crime scene. Sara: If Acheson didn't rape Sue Stein, what is his print doing on the bedspread? [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - INTERVIEW ROOM] (Brass and Sara interview Jesse Acheson. Sara sits across him at the table while Brass looks out the room window.) Jesse Acheson: Well, I certainly didn't kill anyone, and ... I do not know how my fingerprint got there. Sara: We don't think that you did rape or kill anyone. We simply want to know how your fingerprint ended up at a murder scene five years ago. Brass: Look, Jesse, we appreciate you coming down here voluntarily, but if you clam up, we're gonna have to file an obstruction of justice charge, and that's not good ... for you. Let's make it easy on yourself. (Brass turns around.) Brass: What were you doing in Sue Stein's hotel room? Jesse Acheson: You won't believe me. Brass: Try us. Jesse Acheson: I did go to see Sue that night. (Quick flashback to: [MOTEL ROOM - NIGHT - FIVE YEARS AGO] Jesse Acheson slips into the motel room through the open sliding door.) Jesse Acheson: Sue. (In the dark, he walks over to the bed and sees Sue on it. He shakes her trying to wake her up.) Jesse Acheson: Come on, girl, wake up. (He rolls her over and sees that she's bloodied and dead.) (He sees the blood on his hands and wipes his hands on the bedcover.) (He leaves through the sliding glass doors.) (End of flashback. Resume to present.) Sara: You just took off? You didn't bother to report a murder Jesse Acheson: Ma'am, I ... I got a record, and I was on probation. If I'd done all of that, I'd have been ... suspect numero uno. Brass: All right, let's cut to the chase. You were there to sell her blow, right? (Jesse turns to look at Brass.) Jesse Acheson: I don't need a lawyer, right? I mean, it's off the record? Brass: We're just having a little chat here. (He turns to look at Sara.) Jesse Acheson: Well, that's why she left the door unlocked. We'd been doing it that way for years. Whenever Sue came to town, I always took care of her. (There's a long pause.) Jesse Acheson: I'm really sorry. She was my friend. I wish I could be more help. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - HALLWAY -- DAY] (Nick steps out into the hallway. He's looking through the file folder.) Det. Chris Cavaliere: (o.s.) Stokes. (Nick looks up and sees Det. Cavaliere.) Nick: Hey, man. (Det. Cavaliere walks up to Nick.) Det. Chris Cavaliere: What the hell are you doing? Are you trying to screw with my case? Nick: I'm just following the evidence, and it led me to another suspect. I think you're going to want to talk to him in the interest of justice. Det. Chris Cavaliere: What, are you trying to help the defense now? Nick: You know any good defense is gonna bring up a "rush to judgment" here. Come on! Chris, you put another interviewed suspect on your list. It shows due diligence. Let's go. (Nick turns and heads for the interview room. Not liking it one bit, Det. Cavaliere turns and watches him go.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - INTERVIEW ROOM] (Nick interviews Walter with Det. Cavaliere in the room along with another officer in the back.) Nick: Your sweater's been analyzed, Walter. Found bloodstains from a murdered boy on it. Walter (homeless man): It's not my sweater. Nick: You already told me it was yours. Walter (homeless man): Finders keepers. It wasn't always mine, though. Nick: Where did you find it? Walter (homeless man): On a bench. By the basketball courts. (Quick flashback to: [NIGHT] The sweater is on the bench. Walter appears and looks around. He grabs the sweater and clutches it to himself. He leaves. End of flashback. Resume to present.) (Det. Cavaliere glances at Nick.) Walter (homeless man): I was cold. Det. Chris Cavaliere: Hey, man ... if you're lying ... Walter (homeless man): I'm not lying. I'm not lying! Det. Chris Cavaliere: So when did you find it? Walter (homeless man): Yesterday. No, um, a few days ago. I don't remember. Det. Chris Cavaliere: Put him in lockup -- maybe it'll help his memory. (The officer steps forward and takes Walter out of the room, leaving Nick with Det. Cavaliere.) Det. Chris Cavaliere: Stokes ... I got a signed confession. You got a bum in a bloody sweater. What are you gonna do about it? (Nick shakes his head. Det. Cavaliere turns and leaves. Camera holds on Nick.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI -- LAB] (Nick processes the blue sweater, putting fibers he finds in a bindle.) (He puts it aside and picks up the goggles. He puts the goggles on and uses an ALS on the sweater.) (He finds a laundry mark near the inner back neck seam: YUNG'S CLEANERS [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - HALLWAY] (Nick catches Catherine in the hallway. They walk as he fills Catherine in.) Nick: Hey, Catherine. Catherine: Yeah? Nick: DNA finished up with the blue sweater and I processed it. Catherine: Anything probative? Nick: I ran it under the UV light and out popped one of those invisible dry cleaner ID stamps, you know? Catherine: Yeah? Nick: I called the dry cleaner; they gave me a name. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. HAWKINS' RESIDENCE - KITCHEN] (Nick questions Martin Hawkins.) Nick: Mr. Hawkins, is that your sweater? (Nick shows them a photo of the blue sweater.) Martin Hawkins: Yeah ... it looks like my sweater. Yvonne Hawkins: Where'd you find it? Nick: Did you give it away? Martin Hawkins: No, but I haven't seen it in a while, though. Why? Nick: It's got Ty's blood on it. (Yvonne glances at Martin.) Martin Hawkins: Do I need a lawyer? Nick: That's your call, sir. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - TRACE LAB] (Hodges removes a petri dish with the wad of hair out from under the microscope. Grissom walks into the lab.) Grissom: You called me? David Hodges: Yeah, Mia sent me that wad of hair that you pulled out of the hotel drain. (He puts the wad of hair back in its container and turns to look at Grissom.) David Hodges: It's coated in bleach. I'm thinking the killer must've poured the stuff down the drain. Really compromised the trace. Grissom: That's it? A compromised wad of hair? David Hodges: No, uh, I called you to discuss the bleach. The hairy wad smelled a bit woodsy to me. Which is odd, considering it should only smell like bleach. Grissom: You sniffed it? David Hodges: That disgust you? Grissom: No, actually, it's the first time you've ever done anything to impress me. David Hodges: Hm. Anyway, um, I analyzed the bleach. (He hands Grissom the analysis results.) It contains a cedar additive. Thought you'd want to know. (Grissom takes the container with the wad of hair, turns and heads out of the lab.) Grissom: Thanks, David. David Hodges: Sure, Gil. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. FOUR ACES MOTEL (STOCK) -- NIGHT] [INT. FOUR ACES MOTEL - HALLWAY/ GM OFFICE -- NIGHT] (A woman towing a luggage on wheels behind her walks down the hallway. Camera moves across the hallway and over to the General Manager's office where Brass and Grissom interview Hayden Michaels. The housekeeper, Lucy, is standing behind the desk near Hayden Michaels.) Hayden Michaels: Like I said, I'm more than happy to help you in any way I can. So, when I got your phone call about the scent of our bleach, I figured you should to talk to Lucy. Lucy is our head of housekeeping. Lucy: The guests sometimes complained about the bleach smell after we cleaned the bathrooms. A few years ago, I started adding cedar chips to the bottles. Makes it smell better. Grissom: Lucy, who else has access to your bleach? Lucy: Just the maids. Brass: Are they all female? Lucy: Yes. Brass: You park your carts in the hallway when you clean the room, so anyone could have swiped a bottle of bleach, right? (Grissom looks around the General Manager's desk and sees the family photos.) (Camera passes over the first photo of Hayden Michaels with a dark-haired woman and an older son.) (The second photo behind it is of Hayden Michaels with a young, blonde-haired woman carrying a baby.) Lucy: No. We've had problems with theft, towels mainly, but now our maids take their carts into the rooms. Grissom: Those your kids? Hayden Michaels: Yeah. Two eldest are at UNLV. Grissom: And the baby? Hayden Michaels: Jake. Jake is, uh, six months old. Grissom: Is that your second wife? Hayden Michaels: Mm-hmm. Grissom: So you must have had your vasectomy reversed. (Hayden Michael is a little startled by the sudden change in subject.) Hayden Michaels: Why are we talking about my vasectomy? Grissom: You also have access to the bleach, so you won't mind if I take a DNA sample. Hayden Michaels: (sighs) Look. If word leaks out that you took my DNA and I'm a murder suspect, I will never work in hospitality again. I'm sorry, the answer's no. Anything else? Brass: We'll be in touch. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI -- LAB] (Catherine goes over the case and evidence with Nick and Warrick.) Catherine: So we've got three suspects, three scenarios. Nick: Yeah, Matt could have worn his dad's sweater when he killed Ty. Dumped it in the park during the night, where Walter found it. Catherine: Or dad could have worn it and dumped it in the park. Warrick: Or this sweater could have accidentally been left in the park, and Walter, the homeless guy, could have picked it up and worn it when he entered the house through the screen door and killed Ty. But none of the evidence goes to motive. Catherine: Not our problem at the moment. Let's just stay focused on the sweater. It's tied to the victim and this scene. We need to tie it to the killer. Hey, how tall would you say Matt Hawkins? Nick: (shrugs) About five feet, why? Dad is ... 6'2". What about Walter? Warrick: Mmm ... 5'10". About Nick's height. (Warrick and Nick nod.) Nick: Yeah. Warrick: What you getting at? Catherine: Meet me in the garage in half an hour. (Catherine turns and leaves.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - INTERVIEW ROOM] (CU: The blue sign for the "Interview Room" is lit . Inside, Grissom interviews Hayden Michaels in the presence of his attorney, Adam Matthews.) Grissom: Mr. Michaels, in my work over the last twenty-five years, I've come to understand the kind of person who's a rapist-killer. Adam Matthews: Is that an accusation? Grissom: Well, a woman was murdered in your client's hotel. He has a right to hear our theory. The killer is clearly a psychopath. He's killed more than once. I'm sure that before his first rape and murder he fantasized about it for years. (Quick flash to: [MOTEL ROOM - NIGHT] The woman struggles, trying to get away from the killer.) Woman: No. No! WOMAN: No! WOMAN: Get away! (She falls back on the bed. He covers her mouth with his hand and holds the knife to her face.) Killer: Quiet! Quiet! Quiet! (He strips her.) Woman: No! (End of flashback. Resume to present.) Grissom: During that time, he engaged in behavioral tryouts. Stalking women and attempting to coerce them sexually, each time moving closer and closer to the actual event. (Quick flashback to: [MOTEL ROOM - NIGHT] The killer has the woman on the bed. His hand is over her mouth. She cries.) Killer: Shut up! Shut up! KILLER: Shhh-! (End of flashback. Resume to present.) Grissom: I believe that after you consummated your first attack, you felt excitement greater than you anticipated. Your only regret was that she died too quickly. (Quick flashback to: [MOTEL ROOM - NIGHT] Hayden Michaels stands over Sue Stein's dead body on the bed. He holds the bloodied knife in his hand.) (End of flashback. Resume to present.) Grissom: But you took solace in the knowledge that, uh, you could do it again. In fact, your subsequent victim had similar characteristics to your first victim. (Quick flashback to: [MOTEL ROOM - NIGHT] Hayden Michaels holds the knife on Martha Krell.) Martha Krell: No! No! No! Killer: Shut up! KILLER: Shut up! (She cries as he strips her slowly.) Martha Krell: Please! Please! (FAR SHOT: Hayden Michaels is on the bed with Martha Krell. She cries.) (Cut to: Martha Krell is dead. Hayden Michaels holds the knife as he looks around.) (End of flashback. Resume to present.) Adam Matthews: This is a waste of time. Grissom: You see, what differentiates a psychopath from a "heat of the moment" killer is forethought. (Quick flashback to: [MOTEL ROOM - NIGHT] Hayden Michaels uses the bleach and cleans the room. He wipes down the tables.) (End of flashback. Resume to present.) Grissom: And you thought about this for a long time. Adam Matthews: Thank you for the fascinating seminar, but you have no evidence, so we are free to go. (The interview room door opens. Sara walks in with a wheelie luggage in tow behind her.) Sara: Actually, I have some evidence. Hayden Michaels: What is this? What's going on? (Sara picks up the wheelie luggage and puts it on the table. She looks at Hayden Michaels expectantly.) Sara: Mr. Michaels? (Grissom looks at Hayden Michaels.) Hayden Michaels: She can't ... you can't do that. (Adam Matthews looks at Hayden Michaels.) Adam Matthews: Do what? Hayden Michaels: No, I know my rights. Adam Matthews: Hey, shh. Hayden Michaels: (angry) The bitch broke into my car. (Sara and Grissom look at each other.) Adam Matthews: I don't remember seeing a warrant, Ms. Sidle. Sara: I don't have a warrant. I was following a hunch. (Adam Matthews looks at Grissom smugly.) Adam Matthews: Well, then you just set my client free. Sara: On the contrary. Western Airlines issues this exact type of "wheelie" to all its flight attendants. Since Martha's wheelie wasn't in the hotel room, we thought maybe the killer took it ... as a souvenir. This particular suit case ... (Sara unzips the luggage to show them the tape recorder inside.) Sara: ... is not Martha's wheelie. (Adam Matthews smiles.) Grissom: And now that we know where to find it, and we have your client on tape, I bet you we'll get a warrant. (Grissom turns to Hayden Michaels.) Grissom: Thank you. (Camera holds on Sara.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI -- LAB] (Catherine is putting red dye on the head of a dummy. Warrick stands in front of the counter watching. He's wearing goggles and a clean sweater.) Catherine: Okay, Warrick, you are approximately the height of Martin Hawkins. Nick, you and the homeless dude are about the same, and Judy, you're close to Matt. (Nick and Judy are also wearing clean sweaters.) Catherine: The table is the same height as Ty's bed - forty-three and half inches from the floor to the top of the mattress. The white sweaters, which you all look so adorable in, are the same fabric as the bloody one. (Catherine walks around the counter and over to the shelf where the pipes are.) Catherine: The pipes are the same diameter as the wounds on Ty's face. I want each of you to take a whack at our victim. (She hands a pipe to each person.) Judy Tremont: Just like Chuckie Cheese. Whack-a-mole. (Catherine chuckles.) Catherine: Uh, spatter up. (Warrick steps up to the counter first. He uses both hands to grip the pipe and hits the dummy on the counter. With every whack, the red dye spatters on his white sweater.) (Quick VIRTUAL POV of: Martin Hawkins holds the pipe and whacks Ty Hawkins as he sleeps.) (Quick flash to: [BEDROOM - NIGHT] Martin Hawkins whacks Ty Hawkins as he sleeps.) (End of flash. Resume to present.) (Cut to: Nick whacks the dummy on the counter. With every one-handed whack, the red dye spatters on his white sweater.) (Quick VIRTUAL POV of: Walter holds the pipe and whacks Ty Hawkins as he sleeps.) (Quick flash to: [BEDROOM - NIGHT] Walter whacks Ty Hawkins as he sleeps.) (End of flash. Resume to present.) (Cut to: Judy Tremont whacks the dummy on the counter. With every two-handed whack, the red dye spatters on her white sweater.) (Quick VIRTUAL POV of: Matthew Hawkins holds the pipe and whacks Ty Hawkins as he sleeps.) (Quick flash to: [BEDROOM - NIGHT] Matthew Hawkins whacks Ty Hawkins as he sleeps.) (End of flash. Resume to present.) SHORT TIME CUT TO: (Warrick's white sweater has spatters on the top three-fourths of his sweater.) (Catherine steps over to Nick's sweater. The spatters cover half of the sweater, up to his elbows.) (Catherine looks over at the blue sweater and sees that it's not a match.) (Catherine steps over to Judy Tremont's sweater. The spatters cover the top one-fourth of the sweater, up to her mid-chest.) (It's a match to the original blue sweater.) (Quick flashback to: [BEDROOM - NIGHT] Ty Hawkins is sleeping in bed. Matthew steps into the room and bashes his head in with a pipe. The blood spatters on the blue sweater he's wearing.) (Cut to: [PARK - NIGHT] Matthew removes the sweater and drops it on the park bench.) (End of flashback. Resume to present.) (Judy's sweater matches the original blue sweater.) Catherine: Judy, your sweater -- killer. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - INTERVIEW ROOM] (Matthew talks with Nick and Det. Cavaliere.) Matthew Hawkins: (scoffs) Like I told him, I did it. You want a medal for figuring out what I already said? (On the other side of the observation mirror, his parents watch the interview.) Det. Chris Cavaliere: You never told me why. Matthew Hawkins: Why's it matter, anyways? [OBSERVATION ROOM] (Yvonne Hawkins turns and cries. Martin holds her. He looks at Warrick. Warrick motions with his head.) Warrick: Go ahead. (Martin leaves the room.) [INTERVIEW ROOM] (Martin walks into the interview room. Matthew is clearly surprised to see him.) Matthew Hawkins: Dad. Martin Hawkins: I want to know why. Matthew Hawkins: Dad ... Martin Hawkins: Why? Damn it. (Matthew starts crying.) Ty looked up to you. He ... he loved you. Matthew Hawkins: (angry) He told. He told everyone! Martin Hawkins: That you wet the bed? (Matthew stands up and screams.) Matthew Hawkins: Shut up! (Martin stares at his son. Matthew sits back down in his chair and starts crying.) Matthew Hawkins: Dad ... I'm sorry. I ... (Martin shakes his head.) [OBSERVATION ROOM] (Yvonne Hawkins cries. Martin turns and looks back at the mirror where he knows Yvonne is. He shakes his head and looks at Matthew.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT -- HALLWAY] (Close-up: Matthew Hawkins' hands are handcuffed behind his back. He's escorted down the hallway. As he passes them, he tries to go to his mom, but the officers stop him.) Yvonne Hawkins: (crying) Oh, Matthew. (The officers lead Matthew away. Martin leads Yvonne away.) (Down the hall, Nick watches.) (From behind him, Det. Cavaliere turns the corner. He sees Nick and heads over to him.) Det. Chris Cavaliere: Hey. (Nick turns and looks at him.) You owe me an apology. (Det. Cavaliere looks at him expectantly. Nick nods a little.) Nick: I'm sorry ... (Nick turns away.) Nick: ... that you feel that way. (Nick turns and leaves.)

Grissom and his team investigate a case where a stewardess has been violently raped and stabbed to death in her hotel room, in which Ecklie discovers parallels to a five-year-old cold case . Catherine's team assists Detective Cavaliere in the investigation of a young boy beaten to death in his own bed, but Nick and Cavaliere get into a bitter disagreement over their methods of finding the culprit.

fd_Veronica_Mars_02x03

fd_Veronica_Mars_02x03_0

VERONICA VOICEOVER: Previously on Veronica Mars... Veronica races to the edge of the cliff in 201 Normal Is the Watchword. GIA: It just went straight off the cliff. They're all dead. At the bottom of the cliff, the debris floats in the water. Duncan holds Veronica. Cut to the Mars residence in 202 Driver Ed. VERONICA: I wonder what else the bus driver bought. Well what if it was No-Doz, or Red Bull? KEITH: Veronica, you can't try to make sense out of this. Veronica shields the wick for a man in a Hawaiian shirt to light a votive candle. She surveys the scene. VERONICA VOICEOVER: I don't even know what I'm looking for. Skid marks the sheriff's department missed, or purposefully overlooked. There's nothing here to help anyone. Jackie gives Wallace a kiss. VERONICA: [offscreen] Who was that kissing you? Jackie gets into her car, giving a wave. WALLACE: That was Jackie. Veronica, with barely disguised dislike, stands with Wallace and watches Jackie leave. VERONICA: Oh. Logan and Kendall are naked in the middle of the Casablancas lounge, sitting up and in each other's arms, kissing. KENDALL: Hold it. They look up in the direction of the front door. KENDALL: Someone's home. Cut to Kendall, lightly robed, nail polish spread out before her, welcoming her husband home with a kiss. KENDALL: Hi. Cassidy and Dick watch. CASSIDY: Ah, why is Logan's truck in the driveway? KENDALL: And I'd really rather your friends not just show up whenever they want. At the park, Goodman addresses Keith GOODMAN: I'm running for county supervisor because I care about this town, Keith. I want you to run for Sheriff. Keith cooks at the Mars residence. KEITH: I told him I'm running. Veronica holds Keith's arms, post-hug. VERONICA: I feel safer already. At the beach, the body of the Hawaiian shirted man is examined by Lamb. LAMB: Hey, check this out. He opens out the man hand. Written on it is "Veronica Mars." End previously. INT - NEPTUNE HIGH SCHOOL (NHS), HALLWAY - DAY. Students traverse the hall in different directions. VERONICA VOICEOVER: Senior year. College applications due in three months, scholarship applications in six. Veronica appears from around the corner. As the other students walk as normal speed, Veronica's walk is filmed in slow-motion as she heads for a classroom door. VERONICA VOICEOVER: Since most of my extra-curricular activities cannot be divulged under state law, my guidance counselor strongly suggested I indulge in a little resume packing. So as of now, Veronica Mars... Veronica reaches the door and opens it. INT - NHS, CLASSROOM - CONTINUING. VERONICA VOICEOVER: ...is a Future Business Leader of America. She walks forward into the room, smiling at the teacher as she passes him. He makes his way to the from of the room. POPE: Okay. He claps to bring the class to order. His smile beams out to the room. POPE: I'd like to begin our local profile series by introducing the CEO of Casablancas Enterprises, Mr H Richard Casablancas. He points to his desk against which Big Dick Casablancas is leaning. The students, their desks arranged in horseshoe fashion around the room, applaud. The students include Logan, Cassidy, Dick and Duncan. There is an empty desk next to Duncan. There are various whoops and woos and shouts with the applause. STUDENT: All right, Mr Casablancas. Veronica makes her way around the horseshoe, behind Logan and Cassidy, heading for Duncan. Dick looks up at her as she passes. She pauses. DICK: Uh, sure you're not looking for the Future Bootlickers of America? Veronica gives a "You're so funny" laugh before she moves on. VERONICA VOICEOVER: So what am I doing in Neptune High's own little billionaire boy's club instead of joining French Club or Model United Nations? Veronica settles into the desk next to Duncan, setting her bottle of water and packaged salad onto its surface. VERONICA VOICEOVER: I blame my billionaire boyfriend, Duncan Kane. She turns to Duncan and they kiss. VERONICA: [whispers] So who are we exploiting now? DUNCAN: The workers. They kiss again. VERONICA: [a la "The Simpsons" Mr Burns] Eggs-cellent. Veronica waggles her fingers. Duncan laughs. Logan reacts to their cooing in disgust. LOGAN: And now I've lost my appetite. He drops his burrito onto the tray on his desk. Duncan and Veronica both make faces equivalent to an eye-roll. Around the room, various chattering is continuing. STUDENT: Yeah, thanks. STUDENT: Is that sharpened? STUDENT: Yeah. At the front of the class, Casablancas is ready to start his talk. He glances at Dick, whose wave and smile he acknowledges. Cassidy smiles and gives a little wave, which Casablancas ignores. Cassidy's smile fades. CASABLANCAS: Good afternoon. Uh, I'm here to talk to you kids about the real estate business. Now, uh, there's nothing wrong with stocks or bonds or pork bellies or whatever else, but when I put my money into something, I like to see what I'm getting, I'm gonna kick the tires if you will. LOGAN: Mmm-hmm. CASABLANCAS: Of course, uh, most people can't just plop down a hundred and thirty seven million dollars for an office building in downtown Tokyo. On a screen behind him, a presentation is in progress and a large office building is displayed. CASABLANCAS: That's where real estate investment trusts... On screen, the picture gives way to a graphic. It is headed "Casablancas REIT Enterprises." Underneath the heading "Real Estate Investment Trusts" is set out the following: Benefits of an REIT: Avoid double taxation from property exchanges Pool resources with other investors Stable, less fluctuations vs. personal ownership 90% of net income goes to you, the investor Directly own income-generating property Professionally Managed by Casablancas Enterprises No landlord duties or obligations Low share price ($50/share)* Diversifies portfolio *As of 11/2004 On the right hand side, under the heading "Casablancas REIT Performance vs. Leading U.S. Benchmarks," are listed Casablancas REIT and three comparators, NASDAQ Composite, S&P 500 and Dow Jones Industrial, all colour-coded, over an empty bar graph with a scale of 0-15 rising in increments of 3.75. CASABLANCAS: ...or REITs, come in. Casablancas advances the screen and the bar graph appears, showing Casablancas REIT with a figure of 13.2, NASDAQ Composite with 10.4, S&P 500 with 8.7 and Dow Jones Industrial with 7.5. Appreciative noises come from the students. CASABLANCAS: A single fifty dollar share in my company-- POPE: Fifty-two sixteen, to be precise. CASABLANCAS: Very good. Allows your average Joe to pool his resources with other investors and own a piece of that tower...and these condos...and this hotel. The graphic blends through pictures of large, modern buildings. STUDENT: Nice. Veronica flips through the brochure, lingering on a picture of the Sandpiper Luxury Hotel and Resort. It comprises two multi-storey buildings set in a palm-trees-and-beach paradise. CASABLANCAS: But, forget the eye-candy. Here's a chart of our market capitalization versus earnings over the last two years. The new "Market Capitalization vs. Earnings" bar chart shows figures for 2003 and 2004, with earnings significantly higher. 2004 is an improvement on 2003. CASABLANCAS: Now, how's that look? LOGAN: Awesome. Veronica, still scanning the brochure, looks up and over at Logan and the other 09ers. VERONICA VOICEOVER: It looks like it's always looked. The rich get richer, and everybody else hopes for scholarships. EXT - NHS - DAY. Veronica exits the school, followed closely behind by Cassidy. CASSIDY: Hey, Veronica? VERONICA: Hey Beav, er, ah, I mean Cassidy. He walks along with her. CASSIDY: I think it's cool that you're joining FBLA, what, you being a girl and all. VERONICA: And a poor one at that. Cassidy pauses as Veronica mounts some steps. CASSIDY: May I talk to you for a sec? VERONICA: You are talking to me. Veronica pauses and looks back at him. CASSIDY: About my dad? I'm worried. You know, he might-- She laughs and continues on her way up the steps. VERONICA: Seemed to me he was doing just fine for himself. Cassidy runs up the steps to keep up with her. CASSIDY: No, look, it's not money, okay? Well it is--it is money, but it's my stepmom, she's a gold-digger and it's obvious to everyone else in the world except for my dad. All she does is spend his money. They pass one of the "Welcome Class of 2006" banners displayed over the empty lunch area. VERONICA: Unfortunately, there are no laws against exploiting rich and horny middle-aged men. They pass by another banner: Pirate Pride? Support Your Teams. CASSIDY: Yeah? Well, the prenup doesn't allow her to cheat on him either. I found a condom wrapper in the couch. VERONICA: Hardly a smoking gun, given your brother's proclivities. Another banner calls for Yearbook Volunteers, asked to sign up in room 113. CASSIDY: Look, it's just a hunch, okay, but I'm willing to pay you a lot of money to back it up with hard proof. Veronica pauses and turns to face Cassidy. VERONICA: Define "lot." CASSIDY: Five hundred for a picture of Kendall violating her prenup. VERONICA: Thousand. CASSIDY: Okay. Cassidy takes a piece of paper from the stack of books he is carrying and hands it to her. CASSIDY: That's her schedule. Good luck. She gazes after him as he goes. VERONICA VOICEOVER: Well, I just might be a Future Business Leader of American yet. EXT - NHS, CAR PARK - DAY. Veronica saunters past one of the school buses, number 188l, manufactured by Thomas, as she considers the list in her hand. VERONICA VOICEOVER: Ten o'clock, brunch with the girls. Twelve o'clock, pilates class with Lorenzo and three o'clock, spa reservation for shiatsu massage, organic enzyme facial and, I'm willing to wager, a sunshine colonic. Ah, maybe I should consider a career as a Neptune trophy wife. She puts the list in her bag and slows and stops as she see something in front of her. That something is Deputy Sacks, leaning against his sheriff's car. SACKS: Sheriff wants to ask you some questions. VERONICA: My answer was final. I will not go to prom with him. Sacks opens the front passenger door of his vehicle. SACKS: Now. Veronica holds out her hands, wrists together. VERONICA: Deputy Sacks, take me away. INT - SHERIFF'S DEPARTMENT - DAY. Veronica and Lamb are in one of the interrogation rooms, staring at each other across a table. Veronica has her arms folded whereas Lamb is sitting back, arms laid out along the arms of his chair, holding a metal mug in one hand. The table is bare except for a file, in front of Lamb. The silence goes on. Lamb raises the mug to his face, pauses, then takes a drink. He takes the liquid through his teeth then drops his arm. LAMB: So, I guess you know why you're here. You wanna tell me about it? Veronica stares at him a moment longer. VERONICA: [Seriously] Okay. She leans forward, putting her elbows on the desk and takes a deep breath. VERONICA: I confess. She pounds her fist on the table and looks to the heavens. VERONICA: God, you're good! Lamb isn't amused. Veronica sits back in her chair, her arms still folded across her body. VERONICA: I have no idea why I'm here, but I'm sure my dad was interested to know why you hauled his daughter in and subjected her to the crime-busting stare for no apparent reason. Lamb, who had been balancing his chair on two legs, surges forward, the front legs of the chair thumping down on the floor. He brings his mug down onto the table with equal emphasis. LAMB: He didn't need to know that you were here. You're eighteen now, kiddo, you're an adult. VERONICA: Well that makes one of us. So are you gonna tell me why I'm here or should I just sit back and enjoy your impression of a mildly-constipated David Caruso. LAMB: What can you tell me about your relationship with this man? Lamb slides the file to Veronica. She opens it. The top sheet is a mug sheet for David "Curly" Moran, the man from the bus crash site who turned up dead on the beach. Standing just under six foot, Moran's description and criminal record are set out under pictures of his front and right half-body profile and his fingerprints. The card he holds in the pictures marks him as 1836352. VERONICA: Ah yes, I remember that summer. He was a roadie for Whitesnake; I was singing back-up for Boyz II Men. They said it would never work, but-- LAMB: I'm glad that you find this amusing. Mr David "Curly" Moran. You've never seen him before in your life? Veronica lays down the rap sheet and picks up the next item in the file. It is a picture of Moran, in another loud shirt, posing on a motorcycle. The photo is tagged with the crime number (A123-561) and his name. Veronica recognises him with something akin to shock. VERONICA VOICEOVER: Somewhere, those million chimps with their million typewriters must have finally written "King Lear"... FLASHBACK: EXT - BUS CRASH SITE - DAY. Veronica stands looking over the cliff. Beyond her, Moran is knelt down by one of the temporary tributes, trying to light a votive candle. VERONICA VOICEOVER: ...because Sheriff Lamb is actually right about something. Veronica looks over and sees him struggling to light the candle. VERONICA VOICEOVER: I have seen this man before. Veronica goes to him, bends down and cups her hand at the side of the candle to shield it. There is nothing written on his left hand. He lights the candle and looks up at her. There is no apparent recognition. MORAN: [gruffly] Thanks. END FLASHBACK AND RETURN TO SHERIFF'S DEPARTMENT. Veronica stares down at the picture of Moran. Lamb sees that she recognises him. LAMB: So you have. I thought so. He reaches to his side and pulls out a small, clear evidence envelope. LAMB: Missing an earring? The earring is a square on square shape, covered in diamond or diamond-like chips. It is similar, if not the same as the earring Weevil was wearing in 201 Normal is the Watchword. Lamb drops it on the table. VERONICA: I'm not exactly a diamonds kind of girl-- LAMB: It was found outside the Road Hog, biker bar up the PCH, last place Curly here was seen. VERONICA: Again, what does this have to do with me? LAMB: It seems that Curly had your name on him. VERONICA: On him? Lamb pulls another file from the side and tosses it in front of Veronica. She opens it quickly. There are more photographs, the first is an overhead of the body, and the second is a close-up of his left hand on which is written "Veronica Mars." LAMB: This body washed up on the beach...beaten to death. Lamb rises and leans over the table, looming over Veronica. LAMB: Amusing, huh? Veronica stares up at him, not amused. Opening credits. INT - MARS RESIDENCE - NIGHT. A knife cuts a rare steak into strips. Alicia holds a large glass of wine as she talks to Keith from her perch at the kitchen counter. ALICIA: So he was serious about wanting you to run. KEITH: Why not? I'm a good candidate. I've been sheriff before. I know where the office is. Keith finishes slicing and fetches an open bottle of red wine from the other side of the kitchen. KEITH: I look great in the hat. And I am a local celebrity, you know, with a book currently hovering at number ninety-seven on the New York Times best sellers list. He fills Alicia's glass. ALICIA: Ninety-seven? KEITH: Um-hmm. ALICIA: So is that good or bad? Keith picks up his own glass of wine. KEITH: Well, as we say in the book biz, it's sort of okayish. But they believe in it... They take sips of their wine. KEITH: ...so I'll probably be flogging it until someone famouser than Aaron Echolls murders someone. And speaking of which, I've got a signing this weekend and how do you feel about a romantic get-away? Chicago. You, me, and Chi-town, the Windy City, the City with Broad Shoulders where the fog comes on little cat feet. What do you think? ALICIA: Well, this business about the cat feet sounds intriguing. KEITH: Oh, it gets better. They're putting me up at the Rossmore Hotel and there's a nightclub at the top with this great jazz place. How great would that-- Alicia is hesitant. ALICIA: Mmmm. KEITH: What? I thought you liked jazz. Is it Kenny G? He ruined it for you? Alicia laughs. ALICIA: No. It's very perfect. She cups his face in her hands and they kiss. Veronica enters from outside and is grossed out. VERONICA: Ahh, child in the room, hands at your sides, please. KEITH: Hey, honey, just in time for steak. VERONICA: I had a bite, thanks. Veronica passes them, heading for a cupboard. KEITH: You okay, sweetie? VERONICA: I'm super. Thanks for asking. KEITH: That's what I like to hear. She gets out a glass and pours herself some water from a filter jug. Keith and Alicia continue to gather their dinner together. VERONICA VOICEOVER: I know. And that's why you're not gonna hear about the dead man with my name on his hand, because I like being able to leave the house without an armed escort. Veronica downs her drink and hightails to her bedroom. VERONICA: Okay, feel free to make out now. In her bedroom, Veronica researches on her laptop at her desk. She has four windows open on her screen. The bottom most is a Planet Zowie (Google equivalent) result page of images of Kendall. On top of that is a PryingEyez.com page with Moran's details. Overlaying it is a copy of Moran's rap sheet. Topping them all is a headshot picture of Kendall. VERONICA VOICEOVER: Don't they make a cute couple? Veronica brings the Planet Zowie page to the top. There are eight images fully visible. VERONICA VOICEOVER: Kendall Lacey Casablancas, nee Lacey Shifflet. Veronica clicks on and brings up another headshot, one that looks like a high school yearbook picture. VERONICA VOICEOVER: Just another Arizona State dropout turned... She brings up a picture of Kendall with three black musicians. The file name identifies them as Town Posse. VERONICA VOICEOVER: ...feature music video background dancer turned... She clicks on the picture of Kendall in cheerleading outfit and pose. VERONICA VOICEOVER: ...Laker Girl, living off a ten-thousand dollar a year salary, a purse full of credit cards and a string of baller boyfriends. Veronica moves on to a wedding picture - a full body shot of Kendall and Big Dick Casablancas against a lake, Kendall's wedding dress train pooled at their feet. She then brings up a close shot of the happy couple. VERONICA VOICEOVER: Until a twice-divorced white knight swept her away to bimbo paradise. Veronica brings up the PryingEyez page. VERONICA VOICEOVER: And for a "True Hollywood Story" without the happy ending, David "Curly" Moran. Moran's details include his social security number (972-15-3139), date of birth (October 6th, 1958) and his most recent address: 673 Casabian Apartments, Neptune, CA 91091. A previous address (689 Gregory Lane Apt 2C, Los Angeles, CA 91241) is also listed. VERONICA VOICEOVER: One-time stunt-man who crashed his career in the eighties. Just remember kids, crystal meth and precision driving don't mix. His criminal record is displayed: 07-04-1997 - Assault - Los Angeles Supe... 02-01-1997 - DUI (Alcohol) - Los Angeles 11-18-1986 - Possession w/Intent to Sell System - Imprisonment (3 years - San Qu... 08-23-1984 - Possession w/Intent to Sel... Court - Fine ($300) Probation (1 year) 04-05-1982 - DUI (Methamphetamine) - S... License Suspended The Division of Motor Vehicles also records his two DUI convictions. VERONICA VOICEOVER: Between the three-year stint at San Quentin for assault and washing up on the beach with my name on his hand, Curly made his living at... Last Employer: Symbolic Motor Car Company, 7734 Convoy Drive, Neptune, CA 90927. Phone: (619) 555-0137. VERONICA VOICEOVER: ...Symbolic Motor Car Company. Veronica makes a note of the name and address. VERONICA VOICEOVER: A compelling life-story to be sure, but what does any of it have to do with me? And why would this man have my name magic-markered across his hand? Did I get really drunk at a biker bar? Veronica's bedroom door opens and Keith enters as Veronica quickly closes the lid of the laptop. KEITH: So what's up, kiddo? VERONICA: None of your beeswax. Keith folds his arms and looks down at her, smiling. VERONICA: All right, I'll show you...but you're gonna have to answer a couple of my questions first. Keith beats his chest with his fists. VERONICA: Sit down, King Kong. Keith collapses into the chair with something of a flourish, holding out his arms in a "Here I am" gesture. VERONICA: So, now that you've filed the official divorce papers from mom, [conspiratorially] are you taking Wallace's mom to Chicago to propose to her? KEITH: Honey... VERONICA: Don't think I won't rifle through your luggage for that ring. KEITH: There is no ring. VERONICA: Promise bracelet? Pre-engagement pendant? Earrings? Anything that according to the hip-hop cognoscente can be qualified as "bling." KEITH: Honey, can't a guy just take his special lady friend on a romantic-- VERONICA: No. KEITH: Veronica, I promise, as soon as Alicia and I know what the next step is, you'll know what it is. Okay? VERONICA: Okay. Then I have something to admit. Keith leans forward. Veronica lifts the top of the laptop, showing him the screen. VERONICA: I love unicorns. Her screen wallpaper is full of unicorns. Keith just stares. VERONICA: What, dad? Girls are crazy about unicorns! She points to one, her face going all babyish. VERONICA: Ohh. Music: I Turn My Camera On by Spoon. LYRICS: I turn my camera on I cut my fingers on the way On the way. I'm slippin away I turn my feelings off You made me untouchable for life And you wasn't polite It hit me like a tom You hit me like a tom On, on and on I turn my camera on the tom I turn my camera on the tom On and on I turn my camera on The camera stay on EXT - NEPTUNE STREETS - DAY. Kendall gets out of her black Mercedes convertible, carrying a purse and a large black bag. An iPod Shuffle hangs from her neck. She hands her keys to a valet. VERONICA VOICEOVER: Another thing girls love are Jimmy Choos, Dolce & Gabbana, and convertibles that cost more than the Gross National Product of Sri Lanka. Veronica has her camera trained on Kendall as she watches from the car. VERONICA VOICEOVER: If she's a gold-digger... INT - GYM - DAY. Kendall swans past people working on equipment. Veronica follows, camera in hand. VERONICA VOICEOVER: ...she's doing a pretty bad job of hiding it. But it sure makes my job easier. Tailing young Mrs Kendall is about as hard as hard as following Malibu Barbie to the beach house. Veronica slips behind a glass brick wall to observe Kendall at she sits at a small, high table. A waitress brings Kendall a drink and cake. Veronica takes pictures. VERONICA VOICEOVER: So far, Kendall is only guilty of violating her Atkins diet. A man in sweats joins Kendall. He is also carrying a large black bag which Kendall taps. She smiles. VERONICA VOICEOVER: Now we're talking. Veronica snaps away, taking pictures of the man paying for Kendall's food and drink as she smiles up at him. EXT - NEPTUNE STREETS - DAY. Kendall and the man, each holding black bags, talk. Veronica emerges from behind a bush a takes another picture. The valet arrives with his car and he opens the door for Kendall to get in. EXT - HOTEL - DAY. Veronica is in her car, still taking pictures. VERONICA VOICEOVER: Ahh, the inevitable. Kendall and the man are on the outside walkway of a motel, heading for room 304. VERONICA VOICEOVER: Sorry elder Dick, looks like your too-good-to-be-true bride is too good to be true. Hope you like cheap hotels, hot-stuff, 'cause that's all you'll be able to afford when all this is over. From inside the room, Kendall goes to close the curtain. End music: I Turn My Camera On by Spoon. The picture segues seamlessly to... EXT - NSH, LUNCH AREA - DAY. ...Veronica looking at the picture before slipping it and the rest back into an envelope. Wallace joins her at her table. WALLACE: What are you looking at? VERONICA: Just...tawdriness. Veronica watches Wallace take his lunch out of a paper bag. The first thing he takes out is a pudding cup. WALLACE: What are you looking at now? VERONICA: The opposite of tawdriness. [in baby voice] Wallace and his pudding cup. WALLACE: Yeah, Mom seems to forget I'm not five anymore. VERONICA: Well who can blame her? [in baby voice again] Wallace and his-- Veronica halts as she sees Wallace waving frantically at someone behind her and turns to look. It's Jackie. VERONICA VOICEOVER: And his new pal, the hot bitchy transfer from New York. I guess he really isn't five anymore. Wallace notices his friend's lack of enthusiasm. WALLACE: Wh-- You met Jackie, right? VERONICA: I didn't realize you were lunch buddies. WALLACE: I'm going for lunch buddies with privileges. Help a brother out. VERONICA: Well if you wanna play in her league, you'd better hide your little pudding. Wallace grabs the pudding cup and hides in on the bench. He sees that Veronica is sceptical. WALLACE: Hey, I like her, okay? Retract claws. Veronica holds out her hands, spreading her fingers. VERONICA: Claws, what claws? JACKIE: Hey, Wallace. Jackie sits next to Wallace (fortunately on the side opposite the pudding cup). WALLACE: Hey, Jackie. You guys met. VERONICA: Yes, actually, she requested I step outside my job description at Java the Hut the other day. JACKIE: Hey, I'm sorry about that. I forgot to leave the New York attitude in New York. Veronica nods, still not warming to the girl. WALLACE: So, how you doing? JACKIE: Awful. No matter how many schools I get kicked out of, I can't seem to escape this thing. She throws a copy of Jane Austen's "Pride and Prejudice" (Enriched Classic version) onto the table. JACKIE: Six-hundred pages of pasty white chicks cat-fighting over some stick-up-his-butt dude's [using air quotes and an English accent] prospects. WALLACE: Hey, I got the Cliff Notes. Only eighty pages. You can borrow it sometime, if you want, or something. JACKIE: Even one page of this pre-Victorian corset crap puts me to sleep. Why can't we read Burroughs or something? VERONICA VOICEOVER: All right, brother, prepare to be helped out. VERONICA: Ah, Duncan and I were gonna rent the BBC series of it. We can fast-forward through the corsets and the bitching, and Colin Firth is in it, if you guys wanna join. WALLACE: Hot damn! Colin Firth is in it. Jackie laughs. JACKIE: [dismissively] Yeah, sure. Wallace gives Veronica a wink. INT - JAVA THE HUT - NIGHT. Veronica shows a couple to a table. VERONICA: Someone will be right with you. CUSTOMER: Thanks. Veronica hurries away, passing a waitress. She points to the table. VERONICA: Table one. WAITRESS: Sure. She continues on to Cassidy's table. She hands him the envelope with the photos. VERONICA: I guess that hunch was a good hunch. He takes out the pictures and goes through them. The last picture he looks at shows the motel room's curtains closed. CASSIDY: Damn, that's cold, she's doing it on one of my dad's own properties. This isn't enough. They could be doing anything behind that door. VERONICA: Oh, you sweet simple boy. CASSIDY: I'm serious, okay? There's no clause in the prenup against her swapping gym-bags with some cheeseball. VERONICA: What would she... Surprised, Veronica picks up the pictures, not having realised before that Kendall and the man had swapped bags. CASSIDY: God, she's probably stealing from my dad too. VERONICA: All right, easy, Chief. I'll get you the money shot. First I need a hundred dollars. CASSIDY: What for? VERONICA: Expenses. Veronica hands Cassidy her own iPod Shuffle. VERONICA: Can you load Kendall's music onto that? Cassidy, dour, examines the iPod. INT - MARS RESIDENCE - NIGHT. At her desk in her bedroom, Veronica takes a new iPod Shuffle out of its packaging and sets about taking it apart. INT - SYMBOLIC MOTOR CAR COMPANY - DAY. From inside, Veronica can be seen exiting the LeBaron which she has left outside the large doors into the workroom. There are pictures on the wall of the workroom, between the large doors, including a picture of a blonde with a mechanic, standing in front of a red sports car. Veronica enters, passing a white Lamborghini Gallardo with the trunk lid open. Another Lamborghini is up on a ramp and there's a green Bentley Continental in the corner. VERONICA VOICEOVER: If Curly Moran worked here, I can pretty much assume he wasn't interested in me because of my car. As she walks further in, she sees a wheeled workstation with the name "Moran" painted on it. VERONICA VOICEOVER: And I don't suppose he left a bunch of helpful clues just lying around. Veronica starts looking at the workstation. MECHANIC: Is that your car? Because we don't service those here. VERONICA: No, actually. I called earlier, Curly's niece? Maybe he mentioned me, Veronica Mars? MECHANIC: No...but you're just in time. He pulls up a box. MECHANIC: We're about to trash this stuff. You can take it if you want it. VERONICA: So he never...said anything about Veronica Mars? MECHANIC: Curly didn't say much as a general rule. Sorry, kid. The mechanic leaves her to it. VERONICA VOICEOVER: Not a particularly sentimental bunch here at the garage. Veronica looks in the box. A baseball bat sticks out from it and on the top is a girlie calendar "Lube-Tube: Hotrod Hotties Calendar 2005" from Heindrich Oil Filters. VERONICA VOICEOVER: So no information, but I am now the proud owner of an oil filter-themed nude calendar. Veronica puts the calendar aside and picks up some framed, autographed photographs. The first is of Moran with the same woman and reds sports car as is displayed on the wall, although there with a different mechanic. On Moran's picture, she's written "Thanks for the Hot Rod. Peace. Tiffany." VERONICA VOICEOVER: Curly with bimbo... The next picture shows Moran with a tall black man, Moran's arm stretching to rest on his shoulder as they shake hands in front of a black sports car. The message is "Yo G. You da money. Cristopher." (Missing "H.") The man looks a little like Terrence Cook. VERONICA VOICEOVER: Curly with sports star... Veronica takes the picture from the top to reveal the final photograph. The sports car is red but it's the people that stops her in her tracks. It's of Moran with Aaron Echolls. The message reads: All these years still on "The Long Haul" Always your pal, Aaron Echolls. VERONICA VOICEOVER: And what's this? It looks as though Curly and I have a friend in common. INT - NHS, CLASSROOM - DAY. Duncan enters the FBLA classroom, one hand holding his lunch tray, the other holding Veronica's hand. Veronica is distracted as she is led by Duncan. VERONICA VOICEOVER: Maybe it's just a coincidence: an ex-con shows up with my name on his hand when I'm the key witness in his benefactor's murder trial? Logan is already seated at one of the desks, eating his lunch. He looks up at them. VERONICA VOICEOVER: And maybe it's another coincidence that Curly Moran was following me that day on the cliff. But I doubt it. Duncan, noticing that Veronica's mind is elsewhere, stops and looks down at her. DUNCAN: Hey, what's on your mind? VERONICA: Just...fine European automobiles. DUNCAN: Since when have you ever thought about fine European automobiles? VERONICA: Ever since I became a Future Business Leader of America. Duncan laughs and continues around the room to the last two free desks, one on either side of Logan. In anticipation, Logan picks up his lunch and moves to the far desk, leaving them two desks next to each other. Without looking at them, he gestures "There" with a flourish. Veronica ignores him, taking the desk furthest from him but Duncan gives him a hard stare and just barely shakes his head before sitting at the desk between Logan and Veronica. POPE: Congratulations, FBLAers. You are now worth exactly one million dollars. LOGAN: What? STUDENT: All right! LOGAN: You mean I've lost money? Heads will roll. Logan throws another piece of food into his mouth. POPE: I assume that you have all heard about my stock market game, in fact, I think many of you have played before. Over the course of the school year, each club member will control a virtual portfolio. Now, you may invest your money any way you see fit, as long as it's legal. Pope points at Dick. DICK: Dude, dog racing is totally legal. POPE: But, hardly lucrative, as I recall from your performance last year. The student with the most valuable holdings at the closing bell on June first will claim a prize more valuable than money. A small shiny plaque with his or her name on it and all attendant bragging rights. There are giggles, groans and whoop-de-dos from the students. Some clap and whistle. Pope approaches the presentation screen. He pulls up a graph headed "2004-2005 F.B.L.A. Portfolio Race." Figures from $600,000 to $2,300,000 run along the y-axis and what are probably time intervals run along the bottom x-axis. All the lines start at $1,000,000 and most traverse the chart within close proximity to their starting point. One line performs significantly better, a steady rise showing up to the top figure. POPE: All right, for those of you who are shooting for full-on Warren Buffet status, there is a cash prize... He pulls what looks to be a dollar bill out of the breast pocket of his shirt and waves it. POPE: Ooo...for the student who can beat the SNP average. DUNCAN: Standard and Poors? POPE: Samuel Nelson Pope, yours truly. Pope taps the screen on the top performing traverse on the graph. CASSIDY: Wow. Well, what'd you invest in, Mr Pope? POPE: Well, take a look. He points the remote at the screen and brings up a pair of pie charts under the heading "Mr. Pope's Portfolio." For 2003-2004, it shows: Mutual Fund 15%, Blue Chips 26%, Int'l Funds 12%, US Bonds 5%, CASE 10%, T-Bills 33% (which makes a pie plus 1%). For 2004-2005, it shows: Mutual Fund 12%, Blue Chips 18%, Int'l Funds 7%, US Bonds 2%, CASE 45%, T-Bills 15%. (which makes a pie less 1% - 1% must have strayed into the wrong chart.) POPE: I haven't made too many changes since last year. I tend to be more conservative than my students, primarily because I use this model for my own 401(k). LOGAN: How much real money did you make? POPE: Suffice it to say, ah, precisely enough to retire in exactly nine months. Pope points the remote at the screen again which superimposes "Case: Casablancas Inc, Real Estate Investment Trust" over the pie charts. There are murmurs of appreciation in the classroom. STUDENT: Oh, man! DICK: Dad's pulling in thirty-five percent returns? Dude, I'm the one that's retiring. POPE: I'll alert the dog track. There's laughter. POPE: As for myself, uh, at the end of this year, I'll hang up my stock market spurs, buy some cozy T-bills, and literally, sail off into the sunset. He taps a picture on the bulletin board behind his desk. It is of a sailboat. DUNCAN: Cool. STUDENT: Great. DUNCAN: Is that a Swan 40? POPE: Yeah, nice, huh? From 1971. I, ah, I would have retired earlier, but actually the, uh, the restoration's been tricky. We had to reseal the hull twice. LOGAN: Didn't plug her right the first time, huh? Logan smirks, then, quite deliberately looks at Duncan. Dick laughs and nods, apparently understanding an inference to Veronica. It takes him a moment, but when Duncan does, he explodes. He shoots up and over to grab Logan. INT - NHS, HALLWAY - CONTINUING. The boys spill out of the classroom, Duncan running Logan into the lockers while Logan beats on his back. Logan twists and they both hit the lockers hard, each having hold of the other's jacket. Duncan swings Logan back round into the lockers and lets his fist fly. Duncan blocks it with his arm but the momentum takes them both down and sounds of their grappling continue to be heard. INT - NHS, NURSE'S OFFICE - DAY. Duncan sits at the end of a cot, Logan at the end of an examination table, next to it. Both have injuries to their hands. Duncan has a bloodied noise and there is grazing around Logan's left eye. The school nurse finishes her administrations to Duncan's hand. NURSE: Well, I can tell you one thing: whoever it is you're fighting over, she won't be very impressed by this. And you're done. I believe the principal is waiting for you. I'll be back for you. The nurse leaves and Duncan stands, grabbing his jacket. He starts to make his way out. LOGAN: Actually, I disagree with Nurse Ratched, I think Veronica would have been quite impressed. Duncan pauses and turns back to Logan. LOGAN: Probably a little turned on too. DUNCAN: Careful, Logan. You're exposing your soft underbelly. LOGAN: My underbelly is rock-hard. It can go all night. DUNCAN: You lost her; I didn't steal her. Logan jumps off the end of the examination table. LOGAN: Oh, hell with Veronica. She's in the rear-view mirror. Where were you this summer, man? DUNCAN: What do you mean? LOGAN: [angry] Oh, remember, there was this little situation? I was accused of murder? I am the eye of a storm and I never heard from you. It is a war out there and you're on the sidelines? Do you remember when you used to have my back? DUNCAN: Yeah, wait, I do remember this summer. LOGAN: Yeah. Logan turns and leans against the partition between the cot and the examination. DUNCAN: I was dealing with this thing, what was it? Oh, yeah, I remember now. Duncan walks up close to Logan. DUNCAN: Your dad murdered my sister. Logan doesn't looks at him, staring into space and swallowing. The nurse re-enters. NURSE: The principal's waiting, young man. Duncan turns and walks towards the door, past the poster of an apple "Manufactured by Mother Nature." Logan looks at his back. LOGAN: [more softly] I hate him too, you know. Duncan stops but doesn't turn around. He sighs and leaves as Logan places himself back on the examining table. The nurse wheels her chair closer to him and starts to apply antiseptic to his hand. She looks up into his face and hesitates. NURSE: I'm sorry, does that sting? Logan's eyes are filled with tears. He looks away. INT - NEPTUNE GRAND, PRESIDENTIAL SUITE - NIGHT. Duncan, Veronica, Wallace and Jackie are watching what purports to be "Pride and Prejudice." (Would a clip of the right music have cost that much?) Duncan has his arm around Veronica, who is gently stroking his bandaged hand. He laughs. DUNCAN: Veronica, it's no big deal, just what guys do sometimes. VERONICA: I don't think Colin Firth gets into these pointless fisticuffs. A pistol duel, maybe, but... WALLACE: I realize I'm not an nineteenth-century British woman, but I just don't get that Colin Firth thing. DUNCAN: I think it's less him they're after and more the mansion with the matching swans. JACKIE: No, it's him. Last year I dated this actor, big mistake by the way, but he did this play in London, and he was at the after-party. I'm no nineteenth-century British woman either, but if [English accent] Mr Darcy would have asked, he would not have needed swans. Jackie carries on much to the admiration of Wallace and the entertainment of Duncan. Veronica's face shows her antipathy pretty clearly. VERONICA VOICEOVER: And so it's gone all night: how Jackie met Colin Firth, how Jackie got herself thrown out of St Paul's Prep for borrowing the dean's car, how Jackie got bored with Manhattan and flew to Paris with her boyfriend for her birthday. JACKIE: ...get a guy who knows how to wear a Saville Row suit, it's... VERONICA VOICEOVER: How can Jackie stand the non-stop excitement of being herself? Later, as Veronica dries her hands in the bathroom, Wallace enters. Veronica doesn't turn around, instead talking to his image in the mirror. WALLACE: So...she's cool, huh? Laughter comes from the main room. VERONICA: Is there such a thing as too cool? WALLACE: What do you mean? VERONICA: I mean... She turns and faces him. VERONICA: ...are you sure there's not a more you kind of girl at Neptune? WALLACE: So, what, you think she's out of my league? You think I'm too small-time for a girl like that? VERONICA: [quickly] Wallace, no, that's not what I mean. WALLACE: Then what did you mean? VERONICA VOICEOVER: What did you mean, Veronica? VERONICA: I mean...I think you're out of her league. But if you want to slum it a bit, maybe I'll help her out with you. I used to have an in with Wallace Fennel. I could put in a good word. JACKIE: [offscreen] What's going on? Jackie comes in and Wallace widens his eye in warning at Veronica. JACKIE: I thought only girls went to the bathroom together. VERONICA: Just a little personal grooming chat. Wallace wanted to know what kind of hair styles drives girls crazy. A happy Wallace runs his hands a few inches above his hair. Jackie reaches her hands up to his head. JACKIE: Personally, I'm a sucker for the wild look. She runs her fingers through his hair and growls like a tiger before kissing him. DUNCAN: [offscreen] Hey, you're missing it. Some guy just touched Lizzie's glove. VERONICA VOICEOVER: Retract claws, Veronica. Veronica steps around the cooing couple, leaving them in the bathroom. Later, Wallace helps Jackie on with her jacket as Veronica touches Duncan's bandage again, smiling. JACKIE: God, that's only half of it? I should've just read the book. Thanks so much, you guys. That was fun. Duncan is at the door, holding it open. DUNCAN: Sure. Great meeting you, officially. JACKIE: Thanks, Veronica. I'll see you at school. Veronica, a strained smile on her face, nods. WALLACE: We should get together Friday and finish it. I hear there's a bitching chase scene at the end. VERONICA: I can't. I gotta work JACKIE: Yeah, I'm busy too. We'll find another night. WALLACE: All right. Wallace and Jackie head for the door. VERONICA VOICEOVER: I can hardly wait. The fake smile drops as soon as they pass. WALLACE: All right man. Duncan pats Wallace on the back as he goes, and closes the door to the suite. VERONICA VOICEOVER: I'll see if I can clear my calendar. Duncan walks back to Veronica, oblivious to Veronica's feeling on the matter. DUNCAN: She's cool. VERONICA VOICEOVER: Oh, yeah, way cool. Duncan kisses her. INT - GYM - DAY. Bottoms jiggle on elliptical trainers. VERONICA VOICEOVER: Kendall Casablancas is one of the most energetic trophy wives I've ever seen. Kendall, in tight purple spandex shorts, is working hard on hers. VERONICA VOICEOVER: In and out of every high-end store in town without standing still long enough to let me make my move. Veronica is on the trainer next to her, an iPod in her hand and headphones in her ears, looking at the iPod quizzically. She looks over Kendall, also listening to her iPod. VERONICA VOICEOVER: Not standing still, but this is probably the best chance I'm going to get. Veronica jumps off the trainer and approaches Kendall. VERONICA: Hi. Veronica talks. Kendall notices her out of the corner of her eye but can't hear her until she stops and takes out her headphones. VERONICA: I'm really sorry to bug you. I noticed we have the same iPod. KENDALL: [sarcastically] Wow, what are the odds? She stares at Veronica, somewhat impatient. KENDALL: Can I help you with something...before my heart goes out of the red zone? VERONICA: Oh, totally. No, this'll just take, like, a second. Um, it's just, I think my player is acting funky, and I'm not sure if it's my player or my headphones, and I don't want to borrow my boyfriend's headphones... [SCENE_BREAK] Kendall waves her hand in the "wind it up" gesture. VERONICA: ...because he has, like, major earwax and that would be totally gross, so could I-- KENDALL: Borrow mine? VERONICA: Yeah. KENDALL: All right, just, you know, make it quick. My ass needs some major work here, okay? Kendall hands Veronica her iPod. Veronica plugs her earphones into Kendall's iPod and listens. VERONICA: Well, the headphones aren't broken. Kendall doesn't really want to know. VERONICA: I love this song. KENDALL: I love it too. [pointedly] I love how it keeps my heart rate in the red zone. VERONICA: What else do you have on here? Veronica shuffles the music. Kendall has lost all patience and holds out her hand for her iPod. VERONICA: Oh. Sorry. Veronica takes her earphones out of Kendall's iPod but before handing it over, she pulls a switch and gives Kendall back the iPod Veronica had. VERONICA: Well, I guess mine's busted. Veronica exits, but comes back. VERONICA: And, your ass looks totally awesome, by the way. That placates Kendall somewhat. KENDALL: Huh. EXT - BEACH - DAY. Veronica is standing by a lifeguard station, next to a surfboard. It's the same surfboard Dick had in his room although he is not seen on the beach. Veronica watches Kendall and the man she met before as they walk towards a room at the same hotel that they went to before. VERONICA VOICEOVER: You gotta admire a girl who sticks to her schedule. Lunch...bag switch...followed by illicit s*x at one of her husband's numerous hotels. She takes another picture. VERONICA VOICEOVER: Bingo. She pulls her phone out of her bag and punches in a number. CASSIDY'S MESSAGE: Hey, leave a message. VERONICA: Hey, Beaver, it's Veronic-- Sorry, Cassidy. It worked. Steal it back and meet me before closing tonight. See ya. Veronica takes another picture, this time of the name of the motel. It's called the Sandpiper Hotel. VERONICA: Sandpiper? Veronica reaches into her bag and pulls out the Casablancas REIT brochure. She looks again at the picture of the Sandpiper. It is very different. VERONICA VOICEOVER: I don't know what's going on with this hotel, but it's pretty clear someone, somehow, is getting screwed. EXT - COUNTY COURTHOUSE - DAY. The County Courthouse is the same building that houses the sheriff's department. The camera slowly zooms in towards the building. VERONICA VOICEOVER: Kendall's special someone went straight from the motel to the bank, Kendall's gym bag in hand. Next stop, a strange one, the county courthouse. INT - COUNTY COURTHOUSE - DAY. The man walks towards the entrance to the sheriff's department. VERONICA VOICEOVER: Any change this gigolo is turning himself in to the sheriff? He walks past. Veronica, following, pauses at the entrance then continues on behind him. She sees him go through a glass door marked "Jack Montana County Assessor." VERONICA VOICEOVER: What kind of business does he have with the assessor? And is our assessor's name actually Jack Montana? Veronica goes through the door. An elderly secretary works at a desk in a front office. VERONICA: I need to know that man's name, where did he go? SECRETARY: Are you looking for someone? VERONICA: The guy who is meeting with the assessor hit my car in the parking lot and I need to get his name. SECRETARY: I'm sorry, you must be mistaken. VERONICA: Lady, my dad will kill me. SECRETARY: I can assure you. There is no one in Mr Montana's office except Mr Montana. VERONICA: Dark hair? This-this tall? SECRETARY: Mr Montana. Veronica has an "Eureka" moment and turns and leaves. INT - NHS, CLASSROOM - DAY. Pope is crouched down at a low shelf when Veronica knocks and enters. Pope stands. VERONICA: What can you tell me about real estate fraud? POPE: Well, provided your interest is purely academic, uh, there's really not a lot to say. Which is not to say it doesn't exist. But, ah, it's pretty hard to fleece people since generally they don't buy property sight unseen. He goes to sit at his desk. VERONICA: Except in the case of a REIT. POPE: True, but there's still multiple safeguards in place. Uh, a local assessor, for instance, makes sure that all properties are sold for fair market value. VERONICA: So even if you bribed the assessor, you'd have to find a really unsuspecting buyer? POPE: Well, I suppose you could borrow against an inflated property, to buy more property, and then inflate its value, and so forth and so on. VERONICA: Like building a house of cards? POPE: Yup, I suppose it might work...until somebody sneezes. VERONICA: Sell your Casablancas stock. POPE: What? VERONICA: Mr Casablancas is artificially driving up his company's value. POPE: Ho-how do you--- Veronica pulls out the brochure and lays it on Pope's desk, open at the picture of the Sandpiper Hotel. VERONICA: Because I have seen the fabulous Sandpiper Hotel...and there's nothing fabulous about it... She lays on top of it the picture she took at the beach. VERONICA: ...and it's not worth nearly sixty-million dollars. Pope, concerned, holds up both to look more closely. POPE: This has to be a mistake. VERONICA: It's not a mistake. I've checked. This isn't the only one. Pope gets up from his desk and walks slowly towards the bulletin board and the picture of his boat. VERONICA: And the buyers in the most recent sales? Shell companies controlled by Casablancas Enterprises. It is a house of cards. And someone's gonna sneeze on it. Me. Mr Pope, dump your stock. POPE: You don't dump it, Veronica. You sell it...to somebody else. I'd just be sticking some other sucker with the consequences. I don't think I can live with that. Veronica collects the brochure and the picture. VERONICA: Then I guess you won't be taking an early retirement. Pope nods sadly. Veronica leaves. Pope turns to the board and takes down the picture of the boat. EXT - CHICAGO - NIGHT. Some light easy listening/jazz plays (piano, bass and drums). INT - ROSSMORE HOTEL - CONTINUING. Keith and Alicia are sitting together in a booth, his arm resting on her shoulders, her hand in his, enjoying the music. ALICIA: So what do you think the kids are doing right now? KEITH: As long as they're not in jail or setting anything on fire, I kind of don't care. I am running for sheriff. It would look bad if Veronica got arrested. ALICIA: Do you really want it back? The sheriff, all the politics? KEITH: Yeah, I do. I like being that guy. I'd love to have underlings and deputies other than my daughter. She's really no good at wrestling the hopped-up meth-heads into the back of the car. ALICIA: How do you think she's gonna handle it? KEITH: Are you kidding? Veronica's the one who talked me into running. ALICIA: Wow. KEITH: Mm-hmm. She holds up her glass. ALICIA: Like I said, you got my vote. KEITH: Oh, I'm counting on it. They clink glasses and sip. The combo finishes the piece and Keith and Alicia clap with the other guests. Alicia looks at Keith, puts her arm around him and pulls him in for a kiss. ALICIA: You wanna get out of here? KEITH: Mm-hmm. Keith nods enthusiastically and Alicia laughs before kissing him again. ALICIA: Mm-hmm. They leave, passing a bar with people on stools. A man sitting at the bar sees them coming towards him. GUY: Cheri? Hey, Cher? Alicia sees him and nearly stumbles, but carries on past, ignoring him. The man watches them. Alicia hurries down some steps into one of the lifts. The man comes after her. GUY: Hey, Cher! The lift doors close just as he reaches them. KEITH: You know that guy? ALICIA: No. KEITH: Cher. You get that a lot? Alicia laughs uncomfortably. ALICIA: More than you think. Do you know how to make a minibar martini? KEITH: Are you kidding? I invented the damn things. Upstairs, the man watches the lights on the lift Keith and Alicia are on. He notes that it stops on the third floor. Cut to reception. GUY: I need a name from you...a couple, a white guy, black woman, staying on the third floor. CLERK: I'm sorry sir, but we don't give out names of guests staying at the--- The man shows a badge. GUY: Just find the name. The clerk nods and checks the computer. LARS: [offscreen, singing] I sigh for Jeannie... INT - JAVA THE HUT - NIGHT. It's Karaoke Night and Lars, Meg's co-anchor from 108 Like a Virgin is serenading his sweetheart who is the only one to appreciate his strangled and out-of-tune rendition. LARS: [singing] ...with the light brown hair, floating like a zephyr on a soft summer air. He holds the last painful note, his eyes tear-filled. LARS: I love you Jeannie. People clap politely. KARAOKE MC: Thank you, Lars. Lars, everyone. And now, Courtney. Veronica hurries through with her laptop, passing Courtney sitting at the counter on a stool, talking to a girl. KARAOKE MC: Courtney, you wanna come up here? Courtney rises and heads for the small stage. COURTNEY: Nice one, Jeannie. [offscreen] Strapping young lad. Jeannie and Lars kiss. Back on stage, Courtney gets philosophical. COURTNEY: Young love, so beautiful. But you know, even young love has a dark side, so let's not lose perspective. AUDIENCE MEMBER: Yeah Courtney COURTNEY: [singing] Love hurts, love scars, love wounds and marks Any heart not tough or strong enough To take a lot of pain, take a lot of pain. Love is like a cloud, holds a lot of rain. Jeannie is deeply affected by Courtney's rendtition. Lars is not so happy to have her attention diverted. COURTNEY: [offscreen, singing] Love hurts On stage, Courtney croons. COURTNEY: Oooh, love hurts. Veronica reaches Cassidy and slides in next to him. Courtney continues to sing in the background. COURTNEY: [offscreen, singing] I'm young, I know, but even so I know a thing or two I learned from you. I really learned a lot, really learned a lot, Love is like a flame... Cassidy holds up the retrieved iPod as Veronica opens up the laptop. CASSIDY: Ta-da! Nice work with the camera, by the way. I couldn't even find the lens. Veronica takes it from him and plugs it into the laptop. VERONICA: That's the idea. This might take a little while. A panel with sixteen pictures appears. The first twelve are of Jack Montana. The last four are of Logan but neither Veronica nor Cassidy appear to notice. CASSIDY: Two thousand pictures. VERONICA: One every fifteen seconds. Veronica clicks on something which brings up many, many more pictures of Jack Montana. She clicks on one. This brings up a "Duplicate Photo" screen, the question "Would you like to import the following duplicate photo?" and options. Veronica selects "Import" and a slide show of the pictures starts. CASSIDY: My dad is gonna kill that guy. Veronica speeds them up. Jake Montana seems to be spending his time with Kendall completing paperwork. CASSIDY: What are they doing here? VERONICA: There's something I need to tell you about your dad, Cassidy. Cassidy looks up. CASSIDY: Hey, Veronica, you've got customers. VERONICA: Okay, I'll be right back. Veronica leaves Cassidy with the computer. COURTNEY: [offscreen, singing] It burns you when it's hot. Love hurts. Ooh, love hurts. VERONICA VOICEOVER: How do I break this to you, kid? You hired me to protect your old man from a gold-digging wife and I wind up proving that they're both gold-digging Casablancas Enterprises investors for millions. I get the distinct feeling that "sorry" won't cut it. Veronica approaches the hostess desk. She sees that her customers are Jackie with a man with whom she seems quite intimate. Courtney is still in song. COURTNEY: [offscreen, singing] Some fools think of happiness. Blissfulness. Togetherness. Some fools fool themselves I guess. They're not fooling me. Veronica pointedly clears her throat. JACKIE: Oh, hey, Veronica. VERONICA: Hey, Jackie...and...Random Dude. JACKIE: Dave, this is Veronica, the girl I was a total bi-atch to. We'll just take that table over there. You look pretty busy. VERONICA: Yeah. Veronica watches them walk to their table with a look of distaste. VERONICA VOICEOVER: You look pretty busy yourself. Too busy for Wallace, definitely too busy for me. Veronica heads back to Cassidy but slows as she gets closer. COURTNEY: [offscreen, singing] I know it isn't true, know it isn't true. Cassidy is gone, the laptop open, a picture on display. COURTNEY: [offscreen, singing] Love is just a lie, made to make you blue. Veronica sits with shocked disbelief. It's Logan taken his shirt off. Kendall can be seen as a reflection in a mirror, unbuttoning her blouse. Veronica runs through the next two pictures as Logan get closer to Kendall. COURTNEY: [offscreen, singing] Love hurts. Oooh, love hurts. Ooooh. And finally to the last, after the iPod is discarded and points at the ceiling. Veronica looks to the side of the laptop. The iPod is gone. INT - NHS, HALLWAY - DAY. Dick, in his "I Have Candy" t-shirt, is at his locker. Veronica approaches. VERONICA: Where's your brother? DICK: He didn't come to school today. VERONICA: Have you seen Logan? DICK: No, he didn't come to school today either. I thought it was just a coincidence, but now that I think about it... Dick puts his fingers to his mouth in faux terror before smirking. He slams his locker shut and walks away. Veronica pulls out her phone. She dials but is interrupted by Wallace and Jackie. WALLACE: Hey, Veronica. So you in? We're doing it. VERONICA: And what is "it"? WALLACE: P and P, baby, "Pride and Prejudice." Second half, it's going down tomorrow night. JACKIE: I hear there's a bitching chase scene at the end. VERONICA: [pointed] Really, and you're not...busy? JACKIE: No, I'm totally free. WALLACE: So, great, it's on. I can't wait. Lizzy getting busy with Colin Fizz-irth. So you coming? VERONICA: Yeah, I just have to check something. WALLACE: All right. Wallace and Jackie leave and Veronica finishes dialling. INT - ECHOLLS RESIDENCE - CONTINUING. In Logan's bedroom, the phone rings on his bed. LOGAN: Ah, sweet son of man, saved by the bell. He reaches for the phone but Kendall, who is on top of him, snatches it away. Logan falls back down on the bed as she checks the caller ID. KENDALL: Veronica. LOGAN: Mmm. KENDALL: Is my little boy cheating on me? He stretches up to try and grab the phone but Kendall pulls it out of his reach. LOGAN: It's just someone from school. KENDALL: Ooo, a schoolgirl. LOGAN: Yeah. KENDALL: Should we invite her over? I got a boy-toy, a girl-toy might spice things up a little. This time he grabs it, turning it off and throwing it too the floor. LOGAN: I can handle the spice department, thank you, very much. KENDALL: Oh, really? LOGAN: Really. Logan pulls her down as she laughs. INT - NHS, HALLWAY - CONTINUING. Veronica gets Logan's answer machine. LOGAN'S PHONE MESSAGE: This is Logan with today's inspirational message. "To love and win is the best thing. To love and lose, the next best." William M. Thackeray. She hurries down the hall. EXT - NEPTUNE STREETS - DAY. The LeBaron races down the road, passing a diner. From the door of the diner, the man from Chicago exits, with a cup of coffee. He walks round to the side of the diner to where there is a pay phone. He grabs the phone book and finds the right page. His finger travels down the names (see http://www.marsinvestigations.net for the list - I'm spent) until he finds Alicia's name (2414 Rialto Way. Tel: 619 555 0104). He tears the page out of the phone book. EXT - ECHOLLS RESIDENCE - DAY. Veronica, having parked the LeBaron outside the front door, marches up to the house. She rings the bell but gets no answer. She looks round the back and sees Logan's Xterra. INT - ECHOLLS RESIDENCE - DAY. Veronica has found a way in and opens the door into Logan's bedroom. The shower can be heard running and then stopping. The room is a mess with bedding and clothes thrown about willy-nilly. A standard lamp is tipped against the wall and a smaller one is on the floor. Veronica walks over towards it. A door creaks and Logan enters from the bathroom, a towel around his waist preserving his modesty. He carries a smaller towel. He pauses only for a moment, then wanders into the room. Veronica turns and sees him, then turns back and picks up a small table lamp from the floor, setting it back on the bedside table. VERONICA: I love what you've done with the place. LOGAN: Yeah. Yup, now you know what you were missing. Logan does a little "ta-da" gesture with his hands. VERONICA: Is your girlfriend still here? LOGAN: Girlfriend? Girlfriend, I don--no, uh, you have to be a little more specific. VERONICA: Let me clarify, the one's whose husband is gonna break you in half... Logan takes a deep breath at this and grins. VERONICA: ...when he finds out that his son's old Cub Scout camporee buddy is secretly plowing his wife? LOGAN: Ahh-ha, that one is less a girlfriend and more a...playmate, kind of. VERONICA: [cold and angry] I hope you're scared on the inside, Logan. What if I had been Mr Casablancas? What would you have done then, huh? Just standing here in your towel and your room still reeking of bimbo? Logan, either not appearing or refusing to appear to be anything but amused by the whole thing, falls back on his extensive store of pop culture references to "I Love Lucy." LOGAN: I suppose I would have had some 'splaining to do. Veronica is not in the mood. VERONICA: God, what a cliche! Poor little rich boy with a death-wish. And I used to think that it was bad luck that landed you in danger... Logan swallows, that point hitting home. VERONICA: ...the knife fight on the bridge and the drive-by in your car. But no, now I see you actually enjoy it, don't you, Logan? LOGAN: Well, then I guess I should feel grateful for having such a devoted ex-girlfriend looking after me. He's back to careless sarcasm and brings the small towel from around his neck to the top of his head. LOGAN: My very own guardian angel. VERONICA: [frosty] Don't flatter yourself. The only reason I came here is so I won't have to feel responsible. LOGAN: Yeah, what, responsible for what? VERONICA: For taking pictures of you and Kendall playing house. Don't take it the wrong way, Logan, it was a job, nothing more. Veronica marches to the door. LOGAN: Right, and so you storm out in a burst of professionalism. Veronica whirls back to face him, backing out of the room. VERONICA: I suggest you start locking your doors. She slams the door shut and strides down the hall, which still bears Aaron Echolls memorabilia such as a poster for "Hard Ball." She rounds the corner, glances at a wall and comes to a sudden halt. VERONICA: Oh, my God. There are posters on the wall, including one for "Crimson Dawn," "Fierce Instinct" and "The Long Haul." There are three more posters above these and another to the side on which can be seen "Reality Bites" and "Will reality TV really sell?" It is the poster for "The Long Haul," (a John Enbom film) on which the credits are set out across the bottom corner that has stopped Veronica in her tracks. The credits read: In association with Klemmer Productions...Botall-Stars Pictures. Starring Aaron Echolls, "The Long Haul," Alicia Roldan, Sam Barrie, James Dirk. Written by Marcus Silva, Jim Hunsaker, Stunt Coordinator David Moran. Music by Stacey Fields, Directed by John Kretchmer. VERONICA VOICEOVER: I must have walked down this hall a hundred times during my summer with Logan. What was it Aaron wrote to Curly on that picture? "All these years, still on the long haul"? "The Long Haul." That's not some kind of macho expression, it's a movie. The 1982 thriller that introduced a young action star named Aaron Echolls, featuring a signature stunt where a truck is sent veering over a bridge, a stunt supervised and performed by David "Curly" Moran. Logan, now dressed, eating an apple, joins her. LOGAN: Ah, if this is what you call storming out, I'm not sure you understand the concept. Veronica hurries away. INT - CASABLANCAS OFFICE - DAY. Casablancas sifts through the pictures of Logan and Kendall. CASABLANCAS: Where the hell did these come from? Cassidy is standing next to him, leaning over his desk, looking behind his shoulder. CASSIDY: I'm sorry, Dad, but I-I couldn't let her do this to you any longer, you know? So...yeah, so I hired someone. CASABLANCAS: Private investigator? CASSIDY: Yeah. Music: Smoke It by the Dandy Warhols. Casablancas rises from his chair and grasps Cassidy's arms. CASABLANCAS: Oh, son. Casablancas hurriedly grabs his briefcase and shoves some files into it. CASSIDY: Wh-wh-what are you gonna do? Casablancas ignores his son. A voice sounds over the intercom. INTERCOM: Mr Casablancas? Some gentlemen from the SEC are here to see you. Casablancas clutches his briefcase and races out of his office. He points to his staff as he bolts across the premises. Cassidy follows, bemused. CASABLANCAS: Shred it. Shred everything. Shred everything. Empty your files and start shredding. Right. Now. Start. Shredding. Start. Now. Open your desks, get all the papers out, do it, right now, do it. VARIOUS WORKERS: Pull it all out. All the files. All of them, let's go! Can you give me a hand? Just do it. The staff run around like lunatics to do as instructed. Cassidy watches this all with concern. He looks back and sees two officious-looking men walking through the office. Looking forward, Cassidy sees his father has disappeared. Cassidy is close to tears. EXT - CASABLANCAS OFFICE - CONTINUING. Casablancas is on the roof and runs to the topmost section and into a waiting helicopter. The chopper takes off. INT - NEPTUNE GRAND HOTEL, PRESIDENTIAL SUITE - DAY. Duncan is watching television. There is a knock at the door. TELEVISION:...on your phone plan, I can't beat it. I tried all the others and there was always some surprise...going over on your minutes. He opens it to Veronica, who hurries into the room. DUNCAN: Hey. Did you hear about Dick's dad all over the news? Veronica stops but doesn't turn around. VERONICA: It was me. DUNCAN: What? Veronica, what are you... She turns to face him. VERONICA: [upset] The bus crash. It was meant for me. They all died because of me. Duncan isn't sure what to make of this. Veronica starts to cry and leans into Duncan's arms. End music: Smoke It by the Dandy Warhols. End.

Cassidy hires Veronica to prove that his stepmother, Kendall, is cheating on his father Richard. During the investigation, Veronica discovers that Richard is stealing money entrusted to his real estate company. She decides to go expose Richard's crime, which forces him to flee the country before the SEC can arrest him. Keith and Alicia, Wallace's mother, spend the weekend in Chicago, where Alicia runs into a man from her past.

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THE TRIAL OF A TIME LORD PART ONE (THE MYSTERIOUS PLANET) Run time: 24:57 [SCENE_BREAK] Space Station [SCENE_BREAK] Trial room [SCENE_BREAK] Valeyard: At last, Doctor. The Doctor: Am I late for something? Valeyard: I was beginning to fear you had lost yourself. Sit down. The Doctor: Well, even I would find it hard to lose myself in a corridor. Especially, when propelled by the mental energy of so many distinguished Time Lords. Valeyard: Oh, I don't know. You seem to have a great talent for straying from the straight and narrow. The Doctor: Would it be too much to ask what all this is about? Inquisitor: The accused will remain silent until invited to speak. The Doctor: The accused? Do you mean me? Inquisitor: I call upon the Valeyard to open the case. Valeyard: By order of the High Council, this is an impartial enquiry into the behaviour of the accused person, known as the Doctor, who is charged that he, on diverse occasions has been guilty of conduct unbecoming a Time Lord. The Doctor: Not guilty! Valeyard: He is also charged with, on diverse occasions, transgressing the First Law. It is my unpleasant task, Madam Inquisitor, to prove to the enquiry that the Doctor is an incorrigible meddler in the affairs of other peoples and planets. Inquisitor: Yes. I see, Valeyard, that it is on record that the Doctor has faced trial already for offences of this nature. Valeyard: That is so, my lady, and I shall contend that the High Council showed too great a leniency on that occasion. Inquisitor: Very well. Doctor, you've heard the charges. Do you wish to say anything before the enquiry proceeds? The Doctor: Only that this whole thing is a farce. I am Lord President of Gallifrey. You can't put me on trial. Inquisitor: Doctor, since you willfully neglected the responsibility of your great office, you were deposed. The Doctor: Oh. Is that legal? Inquisitor: Perfectly. But we won't hold it against you. Quite the contrary in fact. And to see that your interests are fully protected, I propose to appoint a court defender to represent you. The Doctor: Ah, oh, er, thank you, but no thank you. I have been through several such inquiries before. I think it would be easier if I speak for myself. Inquisitor: The court notes the Doctor refuses the services of a court defender. Proceed, Valeyard. Valeyard: Inquisitor, I am not proposing to waste the time of the court by dwelling in detail on the activities of the accused. The Doctor: Good. Valeyard: Instead, I intend to adumbrate two typical instances from separate epistopic interfaces of the spectrum. These examples of the criminal behaviour of the accused are fully recorded in the Matrix, the repository of all knowledge. The Doctor: Objection. Inquisitor: I hear the accused. What is this objection? The Doctor: The Matrix does not contain all knowledge. It merely contains all Time Lord knowledge. Inquisitor: It has long been accepted that the Matrix is the repository of all knowledge. The Doctor: Well, that only shows the insular complacency of this society. How do you know that there isn't knowledge that you don't possess? Inquisitor: All that is known is within the Matrix. The Doctor: Oh, a micro-organism in a drop of water might think it knows the universe. All it knows is that drop of water. Valeyard: I think this is merely a semantic point, my lady. Inquisitor: I agree. I find the objection of the accused to be not valid. Please continue. Valeyard: Thank you, my lady. Valeyard: I should like to begin with the Doctor's involvement in the affairs of Ravalox, a planet within the Stellian galaxy. [SCENE_BREAK] Ravalox [SCENE_BREAK] Peri: Oh, great. The Doctor: Hang on. The Doctor: There. Peri: Can't we come back some other time, like when it's not raining? The Doctor: Oh, stop whinging. Peri: I don't understand why you wanted to come here in the first place. The Doctor: Then you should have listened more carefully. Peri: Hey! Don't I get some? The Doctor: Oh, sorry. [SCENE_BREAK] Trial room [SCENE_BREAK] Valeyard: I draw your attention, my lady, to the admission of the accused that he obtained access to confidential material from Gallifrey. A file privy only to members of the High Council. Inquisitor: That is noted. Doctor, why did you go to Ravalox? The Doctor: Simple scientific curiosity. I'm not so egotistic as to believe all knowledge is at my fingertips. Inquisitor: Your crude sarcasm is also noted. I should warn you, Doctor, that your hostile attitude is not helpful. The Doctor: I'm not here to help. And while you're making all those notes, do please note that I did not have access to confidential material. The fireball that destroyed Ravalox is documented in Extinct Civilisations by Warris Bossard. Orderly: This is true, my lady. Inquisitor: I see. I find the point that the Doctor gained access to confidential material to be not proven, unless you have further evidence, Valeyard. Valeyard: It is not of great importance, my lady. Inquisitor: Continue. Valeyard: Most certainly. [SCENE_BREAK] Ravalox [SCENE_BREAK] Peri: I don't think I like Ravalox very much. It reminds me of a wet November back on Earth. The Doctor: Now that's part of the reason why we're here. Peri: Huh? The Doctor: Well, Ravalox has the same mass, angle of tilt and period of rotation as Earth. Peri: So? The Doctor: Well I thought that was quite interesting. It's unusual to find two planets so similar. In fact, it's quite a phenomenon. Peri: Oh, pity it couldn't be a dry one. The Doctor: Ravalox also has the distinction of having been destroyed by a solar fireball. Peri: It doesn't look very destroyed. The Doctor: According to the records on Gallifrey, it was devastated by a solar fireball some five centuries ago. I think somebody exaggerated, don't you? Peri: Hmm. The Doctor: Hmm. The Doctor: Ah, the exhilarating smell of a freshly laundered forest. Can't beat it. Peri: And the twittering of tiny birds and the rustling of small mammals as they forage for food in the undergrowth. The Doctor: Exactly. Peri: Then you've better hearing than me. There aren't any birds. Listen. The Doctor: I wondered when you'd notice. Peri: None of this makes any sense. Any soil left after the visitation of a fireball would be sterile. The Doctor: Well done. Peri: Don't patronise me Doctor. You knew from the start this amount of growth wasn't possible. The Doctor: I also knew, that as a student of botany, you'd soon realise the truth without any prompting from me. Peri: Maybe. The Doctor: Yeah. Peri: Is there any intelligent life here? The Doctor: Apart from me, you mean? I don't know. Shall we find out? Dibber: Well, they're not from round here, Mister Glitz. Glitz: I know that, Dibber. The Doctor: Ah ha! Look at this. The Doctor: We are certainly not on this planet alone. Mmm hmm. Let's reconnoiter, shall we? Glitz: You know, Dibber, I'm the product of a broken home. Dibber: You have mentioned it on occasions, Mister Glitz. Glitz: Which sort of unbalanced me. Made me selfish to the point where I cannot stand competition. Dibber: Know the feeling only too well, Mister Glitz. Glitz: Where as yours is a simple case of sociopathy, Dibber, my malaise is much more complex. A deep-rooted maladjustment, my psychiatrist said. Brought on by an infantile inability to come to terms with the more pertinent, concrete aspects of life. Dibber: That sounds more like an insult than a diagnosis, Mister Glitz. Glitz: You're right there, my lad. Mind you, I had just attempted to kill him. Oh, I do hate prison psychiatrists, don't you? I mean, they do nothing for you. I must have seen dozens of them, and I still hate competition. Especially when it poaches my territory. I'm going to enjoy this. Glitz: Too late! Oh, I do hate it when people get lucky. It really offends my sensibilities. Dibber: Shouldn't we go after them? Glitz: How is it they know where to look? Tell me that, Dibber. Dibber: I don't know. Maybe they've all copied the same map we did. Do you want me to go after them? Glitz: Why? Do you want to help them? Dibber: No, it's just that if we're after the same thing as us... Glitz: Don't worry. They'll soon be dead. It's just that I wanted the personal pleasure of killing them myself. Peri: Oh, here, Doctor, look. The Doctor: Hmm? The Doctor: The remains of a building. Peri: And we're not going inside. The Doctor: Of course not, we can't. We haven't found the entrance yet. This is the type of place where some early life forms might have survived. Come along. Peri: I'm just not crazy about meeting any early life forms. The Doctor: Hmm. Yeah. Dibber: Well, if we've got competition, going to the village could be a valuable waste of time. Glitz: That complex down there is still functional, which means the L3 robot is operational. Dibber: I understand. Glitz: To render the robot non-operational, we have to destroy the light converter which supplies its energy system. Dibber: I know all that. Glitz: Then why are you arguing with me? It's not my fault if a bunch of backward savages have turned a Magnum Mark Seven light converter into a totem pole. Dibber: It's just that I think we should kill those two first. Glitz: And meet the robot head on at full power? I don't think you have my full interests at heart, Dibber. Dibber: If the robot doesn't kill them before we destroy his energy supply, well, they could be up and away with the goods before we've even got back from the village. Glitz: I know that, Dibber. Now you understand why I hate competition. It spoils everything. Dibber: I still think we should kill them. Glitz: We will, Dibber, we will. When the time is right. Peri: Doctor, I know this sounds crazy, but I have the weirdest feeling that I've been here before. The Doctor: Yes, I often get that feeling. Of course, I usually have. In your case, it's not possible. Peri: Well, possible or not, I want to get away from here. The Doctor: You're absolutely right. We must find out what's going on here. Peri: This place is spooky. It's like an overgrown fallout shelter. The Doctor: Hmm. You're partly right. This must have been their last desperate attempt to escape the coming fireball. Peri: Well, who lived on this planet? The Doctor: Now that's something of a mystery. There's strangely little about Ravalox in the records of Gallifrey. Obviously they were a fairly advanced species. Look. The Doctor: Ah ha! That's it. You know, you can deduce an awful lot about a civilisation from its art. Peri: What? The Doctor: You know, I might stay here a couple of years and write a thesis about that. Come along. The Doctor (O.C.): Peri? [SCENE_BREAK] Tunnel [SCENE_BREAK] Peri: I've scratched myself. [SCENE_BREAK] Underground station [SCENE_BREAK] The Doctor: Oh, you're young. You'll soon heal. Peri: Thanks for the sympathy. The Doctor: You know, I'm glad I decided to come here. I might stay here for a year or so and write a thesis. Ancient Life on Ravalox by Doctor... Peri: Doctor, look! There's something here I think you should see. [SCENE_BREAK] Ravalox [SCENE_BREAK] Glitz: I heard it. Dibber: Over here. Glitz: Look at them, primitive screeves. Dibber: Are they from the village? Glitz: Must be. Dibber: Well then, let's make it a few less we'll have to deal with. Glitz: No. All we need is a gesture of strength. Show them they haven't got a chance. Glitz: Amazing the affect a loud bang can have on the primitive mind. Glitz: Come here, you ignorant, maggot ridden peasant. Somehow I always feel foolish saying this. Take me to your leader. [SCENE_BREAK] Underground station [SCENE_BREAK] The Doctor: Well, I suppose there is a billion to one chance there was a place called Marble Arch on Ravalox. Peri: And they wrote in English? The Doctor: Well, that's another billion to one chance. It does begin to seem a little unlikely, doesn't it? Peri: Oh, Doctor, we're on Earth aren't we? I said it felt like Earth. The Doctor: It's in the wrong part of space for it to be your planet. Besides, according to all the record books, this is Ravalox. Peri: Well then, how do you explain this? The Doctor: Well, they. I can't. Not yet. Unless of course, perhaps they collected railway stations. Peri: That's ridiculous. The Doctor: But not impossible, though. Not as impossible as the other explanation. Peri: What's that? The Doctor: Well, that somehow or other your planet and its entire constellation managed to shift itself a couple of light years across space, after which, for some reason, it became known as Ravalox. Peri: Well, what time are we in? The Doctor: Oh, a long time after your period. The Doctor: Er, two billion years or more. Peri: So what happened to London? The Doctor: Wiped out, if this was London. Peri: Doctor, I know it is. I can feel it. The Doctor: Now, don't get emotional. Peri: Don't get emotional. This cinder we're standing on is all that's left of my world. Everything I knew. [SCENE_BREAK] Trial room [SCENE_BREAK] The Doctor: Why do I have to sit here watching Peri getting upset, while two unsavoury adventurers bully a bunch of natives. Valeyard: The reason will be made clear shortly, Doctor. The Doctor: As a matter of interest, where is Peri? Valeyard: Where you left her. The Doctor: Where's that? Valeyard: You don't remember? Obviously a side effect of being taken out of time. The amnesia should soon pass. Inquisitor: Shall we continue? The Doctor: Well, can't we just have the edited highlights? [SCENE_BREAK] Underground station [SCENE_BREAK] The Doctor: I know how you feel. Peri: Do you? The Doctor: Of course I do. You've been travelling with me long enough to know that none of this really matters. Not to you. Your world is safe. Peri: This is still my world, whatever the period, and I care about it. And all you do is talk about it as though we're in a planetarium. The Doctor: I'm sorry. But look at it this way. Planets come and go, stars perish. Matter disperses, coalesces, reforms into other patterns, other worlds. Nothing can be eternal. Peri: I know what you mean, and I still want to get away from here. The Doctor: Oh, I can't. There's a mystery here. Questions to which I must have an answer. Look, Peri. Peri. The Doctor: Oh, hermetically sealed, leading down to a lower level. Now, some of the original inhabitants might have survived down there. You coming? Peri: No. I've seen enough. I'll wait you at the entrance. Where they used to sell candy bars and newspapers. The Doctor: All right, shan't be long. Don't go wandering off. Be careful. Peri: Ow. The Doctor: I said be careful. Peri: Of what? The spooks and ghosts you're always telling me don't exist. Hey! You could have left me the umbrella! Oh, please yourself. I don't mind getting wet. [SCENE_BREAK] Village [SCENE_BREAK] Glitz: The light converter. Dibber: Let me blast it, Mister Glitz, then we can get away from here. Glitz: Oh, you'd look good with a back full of spears, Dibber. Use your head. Glitz: Anyway, we've got company. Right royal company, by the looks of things. Dibber: You'll never charm her. Glitz: I have an uncanny knack with aging females, Dibber. One look into my eyes and they start to melt. [SCENE_BREAK] Marb Station [SCENE_BREAK] Computer: Water thief. Water thief. Protect your water. The Doctor: Perhaps you could direct me to the stationmaster's house? Now please, gentlemen. [SCENE_BREAK] Drathro's castle [SCENE_BREAK] Merdeen (on screen): Yes, Immortal? Drathro: Marb station shows one work unit over strength. Remove it! Merdeen: Immediately, Immortal. [SCENE_BREAK] Control room [SCENE_BREAK] Merdeen: Call the Watch. Marb is a work unit over. Grell: How? Merdeen: I don't know, but the Immortal is never wrong, Grell. Grell: I'll summon the watch. [SCENE_BREAK] Village [SCENE_BREAK] Katryca: So, you are outlanders. From where? Glitz: A far off star, majesty. Katryca: You have a spaceship? Glitz: You know of such things? Katryca: It is recorded in our folk memory. Before the fire, our ancestors travelled among the stars. Glitz: Is that a fact? Katryca: It is also recorded that such travel angered the gods, who punished us by sending the great fire which destroyed our planet. Glitz: No, dear lady. It was much more secular than that. That attracted the fireball. Katryca: That is our great totem to the Earth God Haldren. Glitz: No, madam. That is a malfunctioning navigational beacon. It was that that attracted the fireball five hundred years ago, and I'm here to tell you that it is still malfunctioning today. Katryca: How do you know this? Glitz: It is my job to know. And if you don't have it dismantled, the fireball will return. Katryca: What is your name? Glitz: Sabalom Glitz. Katryca: I am an old woman, Sabalom Glitz. You are not the first to visit my village from another world. Glitz: Is that a fact? Katryca: On each and every occasion, they have all wanted to dismantle the great totem. Glitz: In that case, you understand the urgency... Katryca: And on each and every occasion, they have all had a different reason. Glitz: Let me assure you, my credentials are bona fide and completely in order. Katryca: Ah yes, The guns. They all had similar credentials. Glitz: That totem is a navigational hazard. It must be dismantled. Katryca: You must think me a fool! You have come here for no other reason but to steal the symbol of our great god. Glitz: And what would I want with some earth grubbing deity. Katryca: I don't know. But before you die, I shall certainly find out. [SCENE_BREAK] Marb Station [SCENE_BREAK] Balazar: Where are you from, Old One? The Doctor: Old One? Balazar: What station did you disgrace with your miserable presence, water thief? The Doctor: I may look old to you, whiskerless youth, but I'll have you know I'm in the prime of my life. I'm only nine hundred years old. Now untie me at once. Balazar: You'll be untied as soon as we're ready for the stoning. The Doctor: Stoning? Is this the way you welcome visitors? Balazar: Water is life. Those who steal life must in their turn die. The Immortal commands it. The Doctor: Oh, the Immortal. Who might that be? Balazar: Come now, Old One. Feigning ignorance of the Immortal will not save you from death. [SCENE_BREAK] Village [SCENE_BREAK] Katryca: This is what I've been waiting for. Now, Immortal, I am ready for you. [SCENE_BREAK] Marb Station [SCENE_BREAK] Balazar: We shall soon be ready. The Doctor: Oh, goody. Just who are you? Balazar: I am Balazar, the reader of the books. The Doctor: Oh. And what books are those? Balazar: Ancient books, from the world before the fire. They contain much wisdom for those who can interpret their meaning. Here in Marb, we have three. The Doctor: Three? Splendid. What are they called? Balazar: The Books of Knowledge. The Doctor: No, but each book must have a name, Balazar. It's usually written on the front. Balazar: One of our books is called Mo By Dick by Herman Melville. It tells of a great white water god, and contains many mystical passages. The Doctor: Yes, I've read it. What are the other books? Balazar: How can you have read it, Old One? The sacred books belong to Marb. The Doctor: Will you stop calling me Old One? I am known as the Doctor. What else do you read? Balazar: The Water Babies by Charles Kingsley, which tells of life long before the fire. The Doctor: Sounds a rum sort of library to me. What's your third book? Balazar: Most mysterious of all the sacred texts. UK Habitats of the Canadian Goose by HM Stationery Office. The Doctor: Hmm. What do you call this place? Balazar: Marb Station. The Doctor: No, I mean your whole world, everything. Balazar: We call it UK Habitat. Ah. It appears we're ready for the stoning now, Doctor. I have greatly enjoyed our felicitous discourse, but alas, the end is nigh. The Doctor: You said you'd unchain me, Balazar. Balazar: It is not advisable. I have taken an affection to you. It is best to die quickly. The Doctor: Allow me to be the judge of that. Unchain me at once. [SCENE_BREAK] Hut [SCENE_BREAK] Dibber: They've got that woman we saw earlier. Glitz: I can't understand it, Dibber. They're savages. Dibber: Well, don't let it get you down. Glitz: What went wrong? That old hag took our guns away from us just like that. How can we be their prisoners? Dibber: I told you it was risky coming here. Glitz: Yes, well, now you know what I mean about competition. It gets you nowhere. Dibber: I told you we should have blasted them, Mister Glitz. Glitz: Yes, Dibber, you've made your point. It's a pity you didn't anticipate they'd jump us with such ease. Dibber: I did, but I didn't think you'd listen. [SCENE_BREAK] Marb Station [SCENE_BREAK] Balazar: I think it best that you stand over here. The Doctor: Oh, why? Balazar: Well in case some stray stone breaks the water jugs. The Doctor: Oh, yes. Balazar: People get very excited at these stonings. The Doctor: I'm not excited. Balazar: Ready? The Doctor: Yes. Balazar: Get set. Go! [SCENE_BREAK] Trial room [SCENE_BREAK] The Doctor: Oh! Why'd you stop it at the best bit? I was rather enjoying that. Valeyard: I'm sure you were. The Doctor: Clever, eh? That trick with the umbrella. Valeyard: Most ingenious, my dear Doctor. The Doctor: Oh, I always like to do the unexpected. Takes people by surprise. Valeyard: Hear how the Doctor takes pride in his interference. Hear how he boasts. This is not the reaction of a responsible Time Lord. Inquisitor: We are all aware of that, Valeyard. What is the point you are trying to make? Valeyard: These proceedings started as a mere enquiry into the Doctor's activities. I'm suggesting now that it becomes a trial. And if he is found guilty, I strongly suggest the termination of his life!

The Doctor is taken to a Time Lord space Station and put on trial for his life. The Valeyard uses past examples of the Doctors activities taken from 'The Matrix', the repository of all Gallifreyan knowledge to show how the Doctor has interfered with other worlds. In this installment of the Trial story Arc, The Doctor's visit to the planet Ravalox is told and how he interfered with the indigenous population of that world when he saved it from a devastating explosion.

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fd_The_Office_07x23_0

Deangelo: So, coasting time is officially over. Big changes are comin', and they're comin' fast. If you don't like 'em, this is called a door. You can walk right through it. Alright. I'm not here to be your friend. I like my life outside of this place. I live to leave at 5. Change number one[/b]: Darryl. Per your request, the company is sending you to business school at night. Full ride. Deal with it. Darryl: Seriously? Deangelo: Stone cold seriously. [SCENE_BREAK] Deangelo: They are trying to figure me out. And I don't like it. Once they figure me out, they start to tell me what I want to hear. And I need to quickly figure out who's a good worker and who is simply a good mind reader. Because as soon as I'm hearing what I want to hear, I'm not gonna care. [SCENE_BREAK] Deangelo: Change two, Toby, you're gettin' a new chair. Toby: Thanks. Deangelo: Don't thank me! Hey, don't thank me, guy! Okay? And I don't care if you like it. Oscar: These sound like good ideas, why wouldn't we like them? Deangelo: I don't care what your favorite flavor is. Here's a bowl of ice cream. You either like it or you don't. [Andy nods] That's my attitude right now in this room, that's my attitude on Ice Cream Thursdays. Alright? Clear? Any questions? Kevin: This all sounds great to me. [hesitates] But I could see how some people might think that they're bad. I don't know what to think. Deangelo: That is a s-- astute observation, Kevin. [SCENE_BREAK] Deangelo: Kev's got me pegged. [chuckles] [SCENE_BREAK] Deangelo: It blows away Vermont in the fall. Darryl: Snap, for real? Pam: Good morning, Deangelo. Deangelo: Hold on. Pam: Okay. Deangelo: [continuing to talk to Darryl] And if you're really serious, you should go in the spring. Pam: Because of the flowers. Deangelo: No. Because the entire state smells like Earth. Pam: Dogwoods, or just the Earth. Deangelo: Yes, Pam. Pam: Hey, well, good morning. I think I have good news for you today. I found your new executive assistant. My friend Carla. [looking at resume] She's got great experience. We even considered making her Cece's godmother, but she had this boyfriend at the time-- but here's her resume. Deangelo: Put it with the rest. Pam: Okay. [SCENE_BREAK] Deangelo: [entering his office] Hey dudes! Jim: Hey! Andy: Hey! Pam: Oh my God, he hates me! Jim: No he doesn't. You just get so nervous and hyper around him. Pam: I know. Jim: Every time there's a silence, your brain's like "Heh-heh-huh-huh" [imitating crying]. Pam: Is that what he tells you at your little inner circle meetings? Jim: Careful. There is no inner circle. [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: Oh, there's an inner circle. Oh yeah. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: There is no inner circle. Deangelo just prefers to delegate a few things, to a few guys. [SCENE_BREAK] Kevin: Jim only says that because he's in the inner circle. I also say that because I am also in the inner circle. Did you get that, Ma? Your boy, Kevin Malone, is IN the inner circle! [thinks] Which doesn't exist. [SCENE_BREAK] Deangelo: [holding two cups of coffee] There he is! Got ya coffee. [offers cup to Dwight] Dwight: Oh, wow, thank you. That was so kind of you. [throws cup in the garbage] Deangelo: Not a coffee guy, I take it. Dwight: It's just that I own the coffee shop. So, once you've seen sausage being made, all you want to do is make sausage, because it's so much fun. Deangelo: Listen. I've got a sixer. "Automatic for the People" on the jukebox. Let's hit the park after sundown. Come on! Pick up some sausage if you want. Dwight: I think you'll find what you're looking for [points toward Oscar] over there. [SCENE_BREAK] Deangelo: No matter how many times I reach out to Dwight, he doesn't seem to want anything to do with me. It reminds me of my relationship with my son. Except there, I'm the Dwight. [SCENE_BREAK] Deangelo: Who's the biggest client in the state? I say we go get 'em, whatever it takes. Huh? What do you guys say? Kevin: Yes! Deangelo: Right! Or my other idea, 50,000 tiny clients. Kevin: Yeah, I say we just go for it! Deangelo: [shoots mini basketball at hoop on office door, misses badly] Is that ball lighter than usual? Is that a Chinatown knockoff? Jim: That's Toys R Us, I think. Deangelo: No, that's definitely a knockoff. You can feel the center of gravity's off. Feel that. [throws ball to Gabe] What do you think? Gabe: [holding ball in open palm] Oh, yeah, totally. Jim, you got ripped off big time. Deangelo: [calling for the ball] Deangelo! [shoots and makes it] See what I did there? That's what you need to do. [makes shooting gesture] It's that little English. The British are coming. Kevin: Yes. Deangelo: Deangelo's open! [SCENE_BREAK] Deangelo: Hey Ry. Your department's killing it, baby. [puts arm around Ryan] Ryan: Hey hey, my pleasure, my treasure. Deangelo: Keep it up. [SCENE_BREAK] Ryan: The problem with having "It" or "the X-factor" or whatever it is you want to call it, is that it's impossible to put into words what you're bringing to the table. So to make things simpler for Deangelo, I just, without lying, strongly implied that I'm Kelly's supervisor. It's not even that much of a stretch. She pretty much does whatever I say. [SCENE_BREAK] Kelly: What? Ryan: I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry... Kelly: Why should I pretend that you are my boss? Ryan: Because what would you have done in that situation, Kelly? I'll tell you what I would have done for you. I'd lie for you. Kelly: Yeah, but you lie all the time. You lie for no reason. Ryan, you just like to lie. Ryan: I'd die for you too. Kelly: You really would? Ryan: [hears Deangelo entering] Hey, Kelly Kapoor, if I don't have those call logs on my desk, we're just gonna have to evaluate your future at the company! Kelly: Sure thing, Mr. Howard. Deangelo: Woo. Glad he's not my boss. Ryan: [whispers to Kelly] You're the best. Thank you. [SCENE_BREAK] Deangelo: You know I have a cousin who cracked the secret formula for a certain popular cola that I shall not name. So I've never had to buy it. True story. I just drink my cousin's. Dwight: Congratulations on your one cousin. I have seventy. Each one better than the last. Deangelo: You know what... straight up, why don't you like me? Dwight: I'm just not a suck-up like everyone else around here. Okay? I do my job well, so why don't you just leave me alone and let me do it. Okay? Deangelo: Ohhhh no. Dwight: What? Deangelo: Okay? I'm gonna win you over. Dwight: No you're not. Deangelo: Yes I am. Dwight: No. Deangelo: Oh yes. Dwight: No. Deangelo: Yes. Dwight: No. Deangelo: Yes. Dwight: No. Deangelo: Yes. Dwight: No. Deangelo: Yes. Dwight: No. Deangelo: Yes. Yes-yes-yes-yes-yes [starts to run out of the break room] yes-yes-yes-yes-yes-yes-yes-yes-yes-yes-yes-yes! [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: [looking at resume] Uh oh, this former administrative assistant misspelled "administrative" and "assistant." Darryl: The winner[/b]: under "Special Skills," Mr. Don Feiner put "Juggling." [laughter] Deangelo: What's wrong with juggling, Darryl? I'm a big juggler. I actually perform a motivational juggling routine. Jim: Seriously? Deangelo: Oh yeah. I'd do it for you here, but uh, what would you say this room is, 300 square feet? 320? Gabe: 320. Just freeballin' it. Deangelo: It's a little cramped. How many square feet out there? 17, 18 hundo? Kevin: Oh, I think it's 18 hundo. Gabe: Give or take. [Deangelo walks out] [SCENE_BREAK] Deangelo: Sorry gang. Thought my juggling stuff was in the trunk of my car. It's not. Pam: Oh no, do you think it was stolen? Andy: I gotcha covered, boss. Used to play with the parabolas myself. [opens desk drawer and takes out balls] Got some extra balls! [throws them toward Deangelo, who dodges them] Hey-hey-hey-ho! Deangelo: Sorry, I never touch another juggler's instruments. You know, we're all here, I've got the music cued, why don't I just do my routine without the juggling balls? [starts to play "Wake Me Up Inside" by Evanescence] Prepare... to go into the danger zone. [begins pretend juggling routine] Pam: Oh wow, you weren't kidding. Deangelo: No. Never. Can someone please throw me a fifth ball? If you dare! [Kevin pretends to throw ball] Incoming! And we're on! Remember, nothing's impossible! Phyllis, where's Phyllis? Phyllis: [raises hand] Here. Deangelo: Do you believe in me, Phyllis? Phyllis: Yeah. Deangelo: Because I believe in you. Phyllis: Okay. Deangelo: [pretending to bounce balls off Phyllis at close range] Feel that connection? Don't move your head. Please. Thank you. Oh! Big hand for Phyllis! [clapping] That took a lot of guts! [finishes routine] Ho! I'm Deangelo Vickers, thank you so much, hope you learned something. Kevin: Didn't drop a single ball! [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: [imitating Deangelo's pretend juggling routine] Look. I'm juggling eggs and bowling balls. I'm juggling with one hand. No hands. Jim: What could he possibly stand to gain from a fake juggling routine? Pam: What could he possibly stand to gain from a real juggling routine? How can you keep defending him? Jim: He's good at his job. And I like working for him. Angela: Of course you do, Jim. You're a man. Deangelo is a huge sexist. Andy: Whoa, whoa, whoa. I think if he was sexist, I'd be able to tell. I took a crapload of women's studies courses at Cornell. And I wrote my own companion piece to the "v*g1n* Monologues" called the "pen1s Apologies." So I know a thing or two. Angela: Okay. Then how about I'm the head of the Accounting Department, but he only ever talks to Kevin? What about Pam and Kelly? Also department heads. But has he ever met with you or even asked you to do anything? Andy: How could I not see it? You're so right. Pam: [to Jim] Why don't you talk to him about it? Jim: And say what? "Hey Deangelo, are you shy or just a sexist?" Pam: Why don't you just tell him how his actions are being perceived by the women in this office? Jim: Mmm-hmm. Andy: And if he doesn't listen, then he can kiss his pen1s goodbye. Snip snip. Am I right, girls? [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: Hey, you got a second? Deangelo: Yeah, I got tons of time. This job's a joke. [SCENE_BREAK] Deangelo: So what's up? Jim: Umm, really, it's nothing, I was just talking to Angela, and she was -- Darryl: [opening door to Deangelo's office] Hey, saw Jim come in. We meeting? Deangelo: Yeah sure. Let's make it a meeting. [Darryl, Kevin, Gabe enter office] Jim: If it's alright, can I just have like one minute alone, just to go over -- Deangelo: What's the big secret? Why are you even whispering? Come on, it's the guys! Jim: I know. [Gabe and Darryl stand on either side of Jim with paper and pens in hand] Just the guys. Well, maybe that's, uh, part of the problem. I think...so what happened was, I was talking with some of the department heads. Uh, some of the female department heads. Deangelo: Uh-oh. Right? Kevin: Hot! Jim: Maybe there's a vibe out there, with certain members of the office, that you are...a little sexist, or -- Darryl: Damn! Jim: Whoa. Whoa. Wait. Deangelo: Are you serious? Who feels this way? Jim: Oh. Like nobody. Gabe: Umm, Pam? Jim: It was -- Gabe: Was it Pam? Kevin: That sounds like Pam. You know how she gets. Deangelo, she can get really bitchy. [begins bad imitation of Pam] Kevin... Deangelo: Guys. Hold on. Doesn't matter who, okay? I'm just happy that Jim brought it to my attention because honestly, I had - I had no idea. Jim: That's awesome. Deangelo: Thank you. [SCENE_BREAK] Kelly: [on phone] Mom, Ryan's taking us out to dinner tonight. No, no, he's not going to stand us up like he did last time. He won't ever stand us up again. [SCENE_BREAK] Ryan: [joint talking head with Kelly] So I am the new customer service supervisor. Kelly: When Deangelo's around. Ryan: And I am also a very dutiful boyfriend when -- Kelly: All the time. Ryan: All the time. [SCENE_BREAK] Deangelo: Erin, do you mind running down to the lobby and bringing up my brand new executive assistant? Erin: Absolutely. Jim: Hey, who'd you end up hiring? Deangelo: Oh, I'm glad you asked, Jim. Because apparently there's a rumor running around here that I am a sexist. I can't work here effectively if you guys think I'm something that I am not. I am not a sexist. Raise your hand if you have a v*g1n*. [Deangelo raises hand, Kelly and Pam sheepishly raise hands] Raise your hand if someone you love has a v*g1n*. [Deangelo raises other hand, along with rest of office] Yeah, yeah. Okay. Just about everyone. What about Deangelo's hand? Oh wow. He's got 'em both up. [Ryan raises both hands] Yeah. Uh huh. [others raise both hands] Yeah, so it bothers me when I hear that there's gossip around here that I treat women lesser than men. Okay? Frankly, we all look a little ridiculous when that happens. Phyllis: I'm not a feminist, but I think that the men in this office are being given chances that the women aren't. Deangelo: Dwight, what's your take? Dwight: What's the argument here? NBA, WNBA. One is a sport, one is a joke. I love sports, I love jokes. Room for all. Deangelo: Man, you're smart. [Erin arrives with new executive assistant] Oh, hey! Hi! Hello. Welcome. Uh, everyone, I'd like you to please welcome Jordan Garfield. This is everyone. Jordan: Hello. Pam: So, Jordan, uh, where did you work before? Uh, a law office? Jordan: No, Anthropology. We don't have this in that size, pretty lame. Kelly: Lame? You worked at Anthropology? Jordan: Yeah. Kelly: That's like my dream job. How did you even get that job? Jordan: Well, I umm - Kelly: You chose this job over that job? Ryan: Okay, okay, back to work, Kelly, we have a lot to get done today. Pam: So, umm, is this your first office job then? Jordan: Yeah. Deangelo: Yup. Pam: Wow. Deangelo: No corporate experience whatsoever. I didn't want anyone with any bad habits. [SCENE_BREAK] Kevin: [heading into Deangelo's office] Jim, you coming? Jim: Oh yeah, did he text us? Kevin: Yeah. [Jim looks at cell phone as Dwight's phone vibrates] Dwight: [holds up phone and looks into Deangelo's office] No! Pam: Jim, what are you doing? Get in there. This is not the time to take a stand. At least he likes one of us. Jim: He didn't text me. [Andy's phone chimes] Andy: Yes! I'm in. Angela: Andy, what are you doing? Andy: I'm going in, into the belly of the beast. Gonna infiltrate and change from within. [joins the group in Deangelo's office] What's up, mancave! [makes barking noises] Pam: [to Jim] Just go in. Just go in, he probably forgot to text you. [SCENE_BREAK] Deangelo: Internally, for office use [Jim quietly enters Deangelo's office and sits down] where do we get our paper from? Do we go - Jim: [to Jordan] Don't worry, the first day's always the hardest. Deangelo: [staring at Jim] Hey Jim. Jim: Yeah. Deangelo: Can I help you? Jim: Nope. Just... [Deangelo continues staring at him] Okay. [gets up and leaves office] [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: So, he kicked you out of the inner circle, huh? Jim: Well, there is no inner...circle. [SCENE_BREAK] Jordan: Dwight? Deangelo wanted me to ask you if there's anything I can help you with. Dwight: Really? Anything. Jordan: Do you need anything? Dwight: Deangelo, tell your whore to leave me alone. [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: Okay, I do not want to waste your time, so I will keep this br-r-r-r-r-r-ief. Now, word on the street is, Mercy Hospital, back on the market. Deangelo would like you to put together a sales pitch for next week. Deangelo has also recently learned about the Barnacle Project. Which is a non-profit organization based in Mystic, Connecticut that assists in the scraping of barnacles -- [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: So this is my life. Until I win the lottery [laughs]. Or Pam finally writes that series of young adult books. [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: So one afternoon, while walking home from school, quirky 10th grader Becky Walters finds a wounded Pegasus in the woods. And she becomes...The Horse Flyer. [SCENE_BREAK] Ryan: Hey! Kelly, that's the last time I'm gonna talk to you about your paycheck! Okay? We pay you a fair salary here, and if you're only here for the money, maybe you shouldn't be here at all. Deangelo: No one likes a money grubber. Kelly: I'm sorry, Mr. Howard, I apologize for grubbing for money. I can't do this. I can't do this. I'm sorry. I just can't do it. Deangelo, Ryan is not my boss. Okay? Frankly, he hasn't had a real job here in years. Deangelo: Ohh. Ryan: Oh, that's hilarious, Kelly. Kelly: No, he's just a big fraud, Deangelo. He's like Rango. He doesn't work here, basically. Just like the way Rango didn't save those animals. It was just a big misunderstanding. Deangelo: Is this true, Ryan? Ryan: I did not see Rango. Deangelo: Okay, I don't have time for this he said-she said. Kelly: He's not saying anything! Deangelo: It's too murky. I like Ryan. You seem kind of hysterical to me. Ryan's your supervisor. Let's just leave it that way. Kelly: That's not fair, I mean, I've been working here for such a long ti-- [Deangelo walks away] Ryan: [sighs] Oh, close call! Okay, why don't you just finish this up and leave it on my desk and I will see you at your place around 2 am. [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: [knocking on door to Deangelo's office as loud yelling comes from inside it] Hey! It sounds like you guys are having a lot of fun, but it's really loud, and some of us are trying to work, so do you think you could do it a little more quietly? Gabe: Well, that's gonna be tough, because we're getting a dunking clinic from Magic Jordan himself. Deangelo: [chuckles] Oh, you mean Michael Jordan? Gabe: [laughs] Total brain burp. Deangelo: I'm no MJ. I can do his dunk. From the free throw line. Kevin: Whoa. Darryl: Daaamn! Mad respect for my brotha! [SCENE_BREAK] Darryl: The man is paying me to take Chinese. I will say what I need to say, and soon, I will say it in Chinese. [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: Okay, well it's just really loud. Deangelo: Okay. We'll keep that in mind. Alright, ladies, back to the game. Darryl: Do it! Deangelo: Jim! Come on in. Pam: You're back in. Jim: You know what? Instead of a game, why don't we do an exhibition? I'd love to see that dunk of yours. Deangelo: Yeah, we'll set that up one day. Jim: Today. Now, maybe. 'Cause we have a hoop downstairs and a real ball, so you don't have to mime it. Deangelo: Yeah, I don't know. Jim: Why not? Deangelo: Only because no one has called NASA to request a liftoff. [laughter] Let's go downstairs! Okay? Let's do it. Dwight: Pass. If I wanted to see a pissing contest, I'd lock Mose in the chicken coop. Deangelo: Damn it, Dwight! Enough! Get your ass downstairs or find a new place to sell paper! [Dwight immediately gets up and walks out] [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: Okay, a little about me. I respond to strong leadership. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: Alright, there you go. Deangelo: Seems a little close, you sure that's the real foul line? Jim: 15 feet from the baseline, so, you need me to move it in? Deangelo: Nah, that's 15. Yeah. Jim: Okay. Deangelo: And uh, you know what, to make it interesting, Jordan, why don't you sit underneath the basket? Jordan: Seriously? Deangelo: Yeah, come on. I'll dunk over you. Best seat in the house. Jordan: I don't, I don't think I can do that. I'm holding your jewelry. Deangelo: Right. Yeah. Okay, fair enough. Kevin, you do it. Kevin: Yes! Okay. [sits down in front of basket] Deangelo: Someone want to sit in Kevin's lap? Angela? Angela: No. Deangelo: Oscar? Oscar: No thank you. Deangelo: Okay, Jimmy, this is for you. Show you that anything is possible. Jim: Fantastic. Deangelo: Alright? Jim: Yup. Deangelo: This is also for the troops. [backs up, bounces ball, starts running, jumps, lands in front of Kevin, jumps again, pulls himself up by the net, dunks ball, hangs on rim] Doctor is in! [hoop starts to fall] Ahhhh! [hoop crashes down on Deangelo] [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: [ambulance pulls away in parking lot] Now what? [SCENE_BREAK] Erin: [Deangelo enters office in hospital gown with bandage on his head] Deangelo? Deangelo: [speaking gibberish] Tablab. Jim: Oh my God, are you alright? Erin, will you call 911 please? Erin: Who should I say is calling? Jim: Erin. Deangelo: [lots of gibberish] says to bartender [lots more gibberish] Droswip. Droswip. Gabe: Droswip, yeah. I get it. Okay, we're gonna get you to the restroom.

Deangelo creates tension when he created an inner circle of only men at the office.

fd_The_O.C._02x14

fd_The_O.C._02x14_0

(Opening scene - The first thing we see is RAIN over the ocean, lots and lots of rain. then we hear thunder and I have to mention this because it really made the scene, the song No Rain by Blind Melon begins to play. I think it was a perfect choice for this scene! And while I'm on a tangent, a bit of trivia. the week this episode aired it was actually really raining in LA so it made it that much more believable, I thought that was neat they were able to fluke it like that! OK back to the scene! the scene to this voice over is an aerial shot of the ocean, then of houses.) Guy: well I cannot believe I'm saying this but it's raining in the OC Girl: I know its crazy (thunder) I gotta tell ya the traffic is a nightmare, the four o five is jammed, the five the seven ten there all gridlocked. Guy: stay safe, stay dry an lets all pray for sunshine again. (OK, we now see the outside of the Cohen house, it looks very dreary and the rain is of course still coming down. we then see Ryan inside the pool house. he draws up his blinds to see the rain over the glass panel in his door. he stares for a minute, shocked. we see the rain pouring down on the pool. Ryan draws up another blind - we then go inside the Cohen house where Seth is walking, he heads into the kitchen towards the back door and stops suddenly. he looks out through the glass paneling in the door just like Ryan did. there is a bolt of lightening and a loud clap of thunder. Seth sees Ryan at his door. Ryan puts his hand on his door handle but doesn't open it. Seth motions for Ryan to come over to him. Ryan screws up his face and shakes his head, and motions for Seth to go to him. Seth again motions for Ryan to go to him. Ryan again motions for Seth to go to him {neither like the idea of having to go out in the rain lol} Seth looks sadly at Ryan and walks away from the door, he comes back to the door with a HUGE grin on his face, and a basket of bagels, he waves them around at Ryan trying to bribe him into coming to the kitchen. Ryan shakes his head, half smiles then screws his face up. Seth puts the bagels back, disappointed. Seth walks back over to the door with his tongue poking out a little, and he has a phone to his ear. we hear a ringing sound. Ryan walks back over to his door and answers his phone.) Seth: Hey I kinda need'a talk to you so, you comin over for breakfast. Ryan: Uh you know I got a little cleanin up to do, why don't you swing by the pool house. Seth: Uh, have you looked out the window, it's like the opening sequence from day after tomorrow. Ryan: Its jus Rain, I'll be here if you need'a talk. Seth: Dude, come on, I'm a child of southern California I can't go out in this I'll melt (Ryan doesn't budge) you wanna do it over the phone. Ryan: Works for me. Seth: (walks to the table) So does this weather, its very uh reflective (sits) of my current emotional state. Ryan: Yeah I know what you mean (sits on the bed) Seth: ...(sad) So I'm gonna lose her man...Summers leavin for Italy tomorrow, its gonna be nothin but canollis an canoodling with Zach. Ryan: Yeah well I haven't talked ta Lindsay since she ran out at Caleb's. Seth: Well you should talk to her. Ryan: She doesn't wanna talk ta anyone. Seth: I don't know, maybe it'll all work out for the best. Ryan: Yeah maybe. (lightening and thunder) Seth: (walks towards the door) You don't think that's god tryin'a tell us anything do you. Ryan: (walks to the door) I'm not gonna take that chance, I've gotta talk to Lindsay. Seth: Yeah, d'you think we should stick together...kinda two by two like Noah did...he's very wise Ryan he had a beard. Ryan: Its jus rain, it can't hurt us. (thunder and lightening again. Seth and Ryan both look at it) Seth: Not worse then our women can. (Ryan looks at Seth, Seth puts his hand on the glass and it slides down dramatically. they both look miserable) [SCENE_BREAK] Theme song - California by Phantom planet. Cohen house - we see the outside first, still as dreary as before. we hear thunder and the rain falling on the pavement. we then see through Sandy and Kirsten's bedroom door, it is very dreary and Kirsten is still in bed. we then see Kirsten from above, she is frowning with her hands together on her chest, she looks so sad. she looks over to the right over her at a photo of her and Sandy, they look SO happy. Kirsten puts the photo face down so she can't see it. Sandy comes out of the bathroom drying his hair with a towel. Sandy: Its ten o'clock...are you gonna stay in bed all day. Kirsten: Maybe...I like it here. Sandy: (sits on the bed near Kirsten) You know I feel like...like we've become like strangers. Kirsten: Well I was taught (rolls over) Never to talk to strangers. Sandy: Funny. Kirsten: Not trying to be. Sandy: ...I'm sorry you're upset. Kirsten: Really, cause the last time I checked everything was all my fault. Sandy: I never said that. Kirsten: Not in those exact words. (Sandy phone rings and Kirsten closes her eyes. Sandy gets up to answer it, Kirsten opens her eyes) Sandy: Hello. Rebecca: Sandy. Sandy: Rebecca: Kirsten: (angry) Now I'm up (starts to get out of bed) (Rebecca is in a diner somewhere) Rebecca: I wanted to run Sandy I um got on a bus I was on my way (sighs) but I realised I couldn't leave without saying goodbye. (Kirsten leaves the room quickly, Sandy follows her. while Sandy is saying the below. we see Kirsten walking away from him and putting her robe on, Sandy stands in the doorway of their room watching her) Sandy: Well as long as you don't flee we have a chance with your case, please, stay where you are. [SCENE_BREAK] CUT TO: Caleb's mansion - Julie is in the kitchen making bagels, Marissa and Alex come in. Marissa: Hey. Julie: (cheery) Good morning Mariss- (sees Alex) Oh I didn't know you had a friend over last night (to Alex) I'm Julie Cooper-Nichol (shakes Alex's hand) Alex: Alex. Julie: Ah so you're the feisty young lady Caleb mentioned (Marissa looks at Alex, Alex looks at Julie) Well I was jus making bagels I figure if the Cohen's can do it why cant we. Alex: Uh none for me thanks I don't eat breakfast. Julie: Ah that's very punk of you (Marissa frowns) You know I use'ta like the punk in my day. Marissa: Mom. Julie: Oh your right Marissa, it still is my day, I was jus being modest (smiles) (Alex smiles. Julie's bagels pop up in the toaster. Alex smiles at Marissa. Julie is standing at the toaster with her back to the girls. Marissa smiles at Alex) Julie: We'll be keeping kosher in no time. (Marissa playfully throws a piece of food at Alex, Alex gasps then they kiss heatedly. remember this is all going on behind Julies back) Julie: So how bout this weather (we see Alex and Marissa kissing, close up) huh, unbelievable (turns around) (Marissa and Alex quickly stop kissing and smile at Julie, Marissa looks as though she's trying hard not to laugh) Alex: Yeah, think I have to go but very nice to meet you (points) Julie: Oh (puts her fist up) rock on. (Marissa looks at Julie, Alex leaves. Marissa goes to the fridge) Julie: She seems nice. Marissa: Ah-huh. Julie: An you know I have no problem if you want a friend to stay over its just if you could let me know before hand. Marissa: Oh you didn't get the memo. Julie: (fake laughs) You know what Marissa I don't think it's too much to ask to know what's going on underneath my roof that's all. Marissa: Oh, you wanna know what's going on with me...I'm gonna tell you the truth, no screaming, no crying...jus the truth. Julie: You have no idea how happy it makes me to hear that. Marissa: Hold that thought...Alex is my girlfriend. Julie: I know (smiles) an I'm so happy that you've made a new friend, although I hope you keep seeing Summer- Marissa: No mom not my friend who's a girl...my girl-friend (Julie is stunned) yeah. (Marissa walks away and Julie is still staring, stunned, her mouth opens. we hear thunder) [SCENE_BREAK] CUT TO: Lindsay's house - we hear/see Lindsay playing the obo, we then hear the doorbell. Lindsay continues playing, we then hear the doorbell being pressed more urgently. Lindsay closes her eyes and stops playing, she sighs and puts the obo down. we then see her looking at a packed suitcase. she sighs again. we then hear knocking on her window. she looks over and then walks over and draws up the blind. a VERY soaked Ryan is standing there. Lindsay sees him then opens the window. Lindsay: What're you doing. Ryan: You wouldn't open the door. Lindsay: (nods) That's cause I don't wanna see anyone. Ryan: Please let me in...I rode my bike here, bicycle monsoon seriously floored plan, I'm freezing. Lindsay: (smiles) Come on. (Lindsay helps Ryan climb through the window. Ryan falls head first and we see his feet go up in the air. Lindsay squeals) Lindsay: (laughs) Are you OK? Ryan: (lying face down on the floor) Yeah. Lindsay: (laughing) Alright, hold on (goes to get Ryan a towel) (Ryan gets up and shuts the window) Lindsay: OK come here. (Lindsay wraps the towel around Ryan, they share a moment. Lindsay walks back over to her bed) Ryan: Well you coulda opened the door for me a half hour ago. Lindsay: Uh I thought you were Caleb (looks at Ryan) showing up to drive me to my DNA test. Ryan: (walks towards Lindsay) He scheduled you a DNA test. Lindsay: Mm-hmm, it was either that or the pony. Ryan: So you're not goin. Lindsay: Mm no way. Ryan: (sees the suitcase) But you're...goin somewhere. Lindsay: Uh yeah I wassss gonna pack up to move in with my dad (nods) but since he might not be my dad uh I was thinkin about (Ryan looks at her) packin up for...uh maybe (shrugs) I don't know Chicago. Ryan: (laughs) ...w- I don't (frowns) know Chicago. Lindsay: (nods) Yeah, we have family there (sits on the bed) actual no doubt about it family an my mom is thinking that it getting out about her an Caleb...that maybe the best thing would be (shakes her head) ta start over. Ryan: (sits next to Lindsay) (shocked) You'd go with her. Lindsay: (looks at Ryan) (nods) Well if Caleb's not my dad what else can I do. Ryan: Except you don't know he's not your dad. Lindsay: (looks down, sighs) (looks at Ryan) I don't know that I wanna know. Ryan: Well then it's not gonna stop until you know the truth, an besides...if you are his daughter at least you'll have reason to stay (Lindsay looks at him) I mean your other reason. (they both smile) Lindsay: I don't know Ryan...DNA test...just sounds so sci-fi scary. Ryan: (looks at Lindsay) I'll go with you (Lindsay doesn't say anything) Hmm. Lindsay: (whispers) OK (nods) [SCENE_BREAK] CUT TO: Summers bedroom - Summer is in an awful fancy yellow dress. Summer: (frowns) Who looks good in this much yellow (pulls at the frills near her neck) (moves closer to the mirror) Ai, ai ,ai (knock at the door) Zach (walks to the door) Thank god look I really don't know about this dress (opens the door) (Seth is standing there wearing a Spiderman mask, and the top of his shirt is soaked) Seth: Hi (waves) I'm just your friendly neighbourhood Seth Cohen. Summer: (nods) OK...what. Seth: Well I look stupid in hats, an I don't have a raincoat so (pulls off the mask) Spiderman here is really the only protective waterproof head gear I own. Summer: (arms folded) Well it's to bad you weren't wearing protective head gear when you were dropped on your head as a child (walks away) Seth: (fake laughs) Zing (puts up a finger) (walks in) So listen um I know that my visits to your bedroom are probably getting a little bit repetitive. Summer: (nods) Mm you are helping me miss you less. Seth: That's great, so um (sees Summers luggage) Wow your really goin huh. Summer: Yeah, course I'm going how could I not be I am in his sisters wedding. Seth: You are. Summer: Why do you think I look like lemon meringue...bridesmaids dress. Seth: ...your a bridesmaid (Summer nods) Oh (swallows) Wow that's really uh I guess you an Zach are really serious. Summer: Look Cohen (frowns) are we gonna do this again, or did you like actually come here to advance the plot. Seth: (mumbles) Your like part of his family (Summer looks sad) OK the reason I came by is to tell you (Summer looks at him) ...uh you need'ta take a special plug for the outlets there (swallows) for your hair dryer don't want ya to brown out western Europe (Summer looks down) (near the door) Goodbye again (points) and uh you have a safe flight (Summer walks towards the door) jus bon voyage (waves) (Summer closes the door and leans against it, looking lost. Seth is on the other side of the door leaning against it. he puts his Spiderman mask back on, sad and slowly walks away) [SCENE_BREAK] CUT TO: A diner - we see Sandy get out his car and go inside. Rebecca is sitting at a booth and she calls him over. Rebecca: Thanks for coming. Sandy: (sits) Oh it wasn't easy, rains in southern California all of a sudden nobody can drive. (Rebecca smiles and drinks her coffee. her fingers shake) Sandy: (notices) Your shaking. Rebecca: (sighs) Sandy I don't wanna run anymore. Sandy: So come back with me. Rebecca: An do what, sit in jail...destroy your marriage. Sandy: My marriage has nothin to do with your case (Rebecca looks at him) Come back with me we'll explore amnesty or some kinda plea bargain, I think we can make this right. (Rebecca and Sandy look at each other) [SCENE_BREAK] CUT TO: Alex's apartment - there is an urgent knocking, Alex opens the door. Marissa is standing there soaking wet. she walks in and kisses Alex. Alex: Wow. Marissa: (smiles) I told her. Alex: You told who what. Marissa: My mom, about us I cant believe it but I did. Alex: (stunned, closes the door) You uh you told her. Marissa: Whoa, I thought you'd be happy. Alex: No I- it jus depends did you tell her to piss her off. Marissa: Hey look (moves closer to Alex) I told her so this could be real (puts her hands on Alex's hair, then her shoulders) for us. Alex: Wow. Marissa: Mm-hmm. Alex: (smiles) So...what happens now. Marissa: She's probably having a melt down as we speak so I mean I can't (raises eyebrows, shrugs) go home. Alex: So stay here. Marissa: Are you sure. Alex: But first, lets get you outta these wet clothes (smiles) (Marissa smiles and they kiss) [SCENE_BREAK] CUT TO: Lindsay's - Ryan and Lindsay walk into her bedroom. they both take off their jackets. Lindsay: Thanks for coming with me. Ryan: Hey, what's more romantic then a DNA test. (Lindsay laughs and lies back on her bed) Lindsay: Yeah, maybe we can uh donate kidneys one Saturday night. (Ryan moves on top of Lindsay, holding himself up with his arms) Ryan: Oooh, now we're talkin (Lindsay laughs and they kiss) Lindsay: Mmm, so if in twenty four hours turns out Caleb is my dad (Ryan kisses her neck) Ryan: Talkin dirty to me. (Lindsay laughs, they kiss and she pushes Ryan so he's next to her on the bed) Ryan: Sorry (Lindsay laughs) Well if it does come back positive then...he'll adopt you right. Lindsay: ...right...except I don't know if I want him to adopt him. Ryan: Well your not going to Chicago (strokes Lindsay's face) so lets jus forget about that option. Lindsay: (touches Ryan's hand) No I...I know that (Ryan smiles) I couldn't...handle the cold, an the wind. Ryan: It is the windy city. Lindsay: I'm not a big fan of deep dish pizza. Ryan: Thin crust only way to go. Lindsay: ...I couldn't be without you. Ryan: Mm so (puts his arm behind Lindsay's head so her head is on his chest) I come in right below pizza that's good to know (puts his hand on Lindsays) Lindsay: (has her arm around Ryans waist) Yeah well a girls gotta eat. Ryan: (sighs) Yeah. (they both look worried) [SCENE_BREAK] CUT TO: Kirsten's office - Kirsten is sitting at her desk looking very lost, and alone. she has her eyes closed. Julie comes in. Julie: What're you doing here late on a Saturday. Kirsten: (looks over) Oh hey Julie, I'm jus tryin'a distract myself an failing, what about you. Julie: Same...so how long is this weather spose'ta last. Kirsten: ? says twenty four hours. Julie: (sighs) I don't think my hair can take it. Kirsten: I don't know if my marriage can. Julie: Oooh, gossip (sits) Kirsten: You have no idea. Julie: (smiles) Wanna break inta Caleb's liquor cabinet, dish some dirt. (the next thing we see is Kirsten smoking a cigar. she coughs. Julie has the thingy that cuts the head of cigars and she is opening and closing it with her fingers) Julie: (evil look) I'd like ta use this on Caleb some times. Kirsten: (screws up her face from the cigar) I know what you mean. Julie: More scotch. Kirsten: Sure why not. Julie: Nothin like a rainy day ta reflect on what a mess your life is huh...I mean not yours per-se it was you know the universal you. Kirsten: (coughs) My life is a pretty big mess...I may even beat you on that one. Julie: Oh I don't think so honey but go ahead (drinks) Kirsten: Well my husband is currently transporting a fugitive...(frowns) who use'ta be his ex girlfriend. Julie: Oh, well I'll see your fugitive former flame an raise you a lesbian daughter. Kirsten: (suprised) Marissa (Julie nods, wide eyed while puffing on the cigar) Well I'm sure it's just a phase. Julie: It was for me (Kirsten looks at Julie) and it is for you too, you guys'll work it out. Kirsten: ...I'm not so sure. Julie: (sits forward) No, Kirsten seriously you have to work it out (Kirsten looks at her) I mean I-I couldn't handle it if you didn't you two are like the moral centre of the universe your...your Sandy an Kirsten. Kirsten: Yeah well now we're Sandy an Kirsten...an Rebecca (drinks) [SCENE_BREAK] CUT TO: Sandy and Rebecca driving - they come to a sudden stop. Rebecca: Oh no, police. Sandy: Take it easy, your fine (Sandy winds his window down) Guy: Sir the road is completely washed out ahead we need you to turn around, we should have the road opened by morning. Sandy: Not till morning. Guy: Yes sir (points) There's lodging a few miles back. Sandy: Thankyou. Guy: You're welcome. (Sandy and Rebecca look at each other) [SCENE_BREAK] CUT TO: Seth's bedroom - the first thing we hear is Boyz II Men playing on the stereo. we see Seth is under the covers on his bed. Ryan walks in and sees. Ryan: (looks at Seth) Your listening'ta Boyz II Men. Seth: I can think of no sadder song in the whole world. Ryan: (walks over to the stereo) So I'm guessing it didn't go well (turns the song down) (Seth puts the covers down so his head is exposed. Ryan sits on the chair) Seth: Unless I can think of one last grand romantic gesture...Summers gone. Ryan: Wow...you know I remember when I first heard about Summer, we were sailing an you said you named your boat after her (Seth looks as though he's thinking) which I thought was a little weird considering you never actually talked to her. Seth: (sits up) Eureka Ryan (points) (thinks) Can't believe I jus said eureka but that's OK that's it (gets out of bed) Ryan: What's it (stands) Seth: The thing to win her back, the grand romantic gesture that's gonna put Zachary's euro trip to shame, I shall take her on a sailing adventure ...aboard the Summer breeze (points) Ryan: (looks at Seth) ...except ya sold the boat for bus fare. Seth: I did (frowns) damn it (claps) (stands on his bed) Eureka Ryan (points) I shall buy back the Summer breeze (puts his fist in the air) Yes. Ryan: Ah-huh...except with what money. Seth: OK if I wanted my parade rained on I would just step outside (Ryan looks at him) Let me ask you something, d'you like the shape'a the idea even. Ryan: Definitely. Seth: OK great so all I need is money hang on (closes his eyes) Yes got the answer (points) but before I say eureka again d'you see any other potential flaws or holes in my plan. Ryan: (shakes his head) No. Seth: (smiles) Then eureka Ryan (jumps off the bed) EU-FREAKIN-REKA (walks to the door) Turn this music off its depressing me. (Ryan goes to turn the stereo off) [SCENE_BREAK] CUT TO: Summers bedroom - the first thing we see is a stereo and Boyz II Men is once again playing! {awww} the camera pans to show Summer sitting on the floor near the stereo. Princess Sparkle is behind her and Summer is holding her cell phone looking at it sadly. we see what she's looking at, which is a photo of Seth to go with his phone number. it says Cohen above the picture, and the number below it. we hear some buttons being pressed on the phone then we hear a knock at the door. Summer frowns. Summer: Come in. (Zach opens the door and goes into her room) Summer: (smiles) Hey, hey Zach (shuts her phone) Zach: Hi uh (points) Your listening to Boyz II Men this song is so sad. Summer: Um yeah I was...waiting for motown philly (turns it off) Zach: Oooh, right (nods) (Zach helps Summer up off the floor) Summer: Thanks. Zach: (notices all her luggage) Oh my god. Summer: Hm. Zach: Your taking all that. Summer: Well yeah I don't want the Italians to think I have bad style, I am representing America. Zach: Oh that's very...patriotic of you. Summer: Hm. Zach: I just (frowns) We're gonna be back packing...you know going from hostel to hostel. Summer: (frowns) Ewww, you haven't seen hostel {hostile} till you put me up in one. Zach: Well no it'll be fun (smiles) an adventure. Summer: Look (fast) An also don't you think its a little much that I'm in your sisters wedding I mean after all I've only met her like...once. Zach: No I told you she doesn't have very many friends, she's very alienating an severe (Summer looks down) D'you not wanna come. Summer: No well no yes I-I just (Zach looks at her) I have'ta get a special plug for my hairdryer. Zach: (smiles) I already got ya one (holds it out) Summer: (aww expression) Of course you did. (Zach smiles and kisses Summer) [SCENE_BREAK] CUT TO: Alex's apartment - there is a knock at the door and Alex opens the door. a VERY wet Seth in his Spiderman mask is standing there. Alex: Seth (Seth waves) you here'ta fight crime. (Seth goes in) Seth: No actually (Alex shuts the door) I'm here to get my job back (hopeful) (grins) Alex: No, n-n-n-no what you were like the flakiest employee in Bait Shop history. Seth: You think that's an easy accomplishment, what about Homer the beer guy. Alex: And how long would you be planning on keeping your job this time. Seth: Until I can make five hundred dollars so...however long that is, please (Alex looks as though she's breaking) (begs) Alex, Alex, Alex (softly) please. Alex: I don't know Seth, with great power comes great responsibility. Seth: (closes his eyes) Yeees oh thankyou (hugs Alex) Alex: (smiles) Oooh. Seth: Listen to me it's gonna be like no one ever peed in the bathrooms ever, OK the only other thing though is I kinda need an advance... Alex: (suprised) Well...your lucky today was payday. (Seth grins and Alex goes to get his money. Seth waits and Marissa comes out wearing only a robe) Marissa: Hey Alex should I be getting dressed or are we going back to (sees Seth) (Seth and Marissa stare at each other, stunned) Marissa: Bed. (Alex comes back in with the money) Seth: (stunned) Oh -- my -- god. Marissa: Oh my god (looks at Seth) Alex: (looks at Marissa) Oh my god. (Marissa looks at Alex, then Seth. Seth closes his eyes then rubs them with his fists and makes a squeaky noise. he has wide eyes and an open mouth) Seth: Let me get this straight (Alex looks at him) You broke up with me...for Marissa. Alex: (holds up the money) D'you want your money. Seth: Hey (takes the money) who better then a super hero understands secret identity (looks at Marissa) (Alex pushes Seth towards the door) Seth: Now hold on, jus wanna make sure I have the visual (Marissa smiles and raises her eyebrows) (looks at Alex) OK I got it great thankyou (Alex opens the door) Hey listen Alex thankyou, both'a you for everything I mean (Marissa waves) keep doing what your doing I like it. (Alex shuts the door) [SCENE_BREAK] CUT TO: Pink motel - the pink sign is lit up but the M is out so it only says Pink OTEL, we then see Sandy's car parked there. the next thing we see is Rebecca opening a bottle of alcohol and Sandy sitting on the bed with food {just a quick FYI. this scene is similar to the season 1 Ryan/Marissa scene where they argued over ding dongs or cheese sticks on the TJ trip} Sandy: So what'll it be ding dongs (sits next to Rebecca on the floor) or cheese sticks. Rebecca: Oh this is a desert wine so I'd say ding dongs of course. Sandy: (smiles) Really, well this is one classy picnic. Rebecca: (laughs) We got washed out road (they clink their cups) Rain storm...cheap motel. Sandy: Cheap wine. Rebecca: Mm. Sandy: Has all the makings of a great slasher movie. Rebecca: (smiles) Gettin stuck here over night. Sandy: Well that's elnino for ya. Rebecca: (nods) Or fate (Sandy looks down) Here we are all alone no one knows where we are (touches Sandy's hair) Its like nothing else exists...tomorrow we head back ta reality but for now (moves so her face is in front of his) it's just us (goes to kiss Sandy) Sandy: Except it's not just us...it hasn't ben just us for...twenty years. Rebecca: ...hm. Sandy: ...I gotta call Kirsten (Rebecca looks at him) say goodnight. (Sandy gets up and Rebecca watches him. he goes outside and stands on the verandah) [SCENE_BREAK] CUT TO: Summer breezes buyer - Seth is there with him trying to buy it back. they are in like a storage garage. Seth: I appreciate you sellin me my boat back...when I sold it I was in desperate straits...low blood sugar no snacks. Guy: Listen just a heads up, I made some modifications to her. Seth: Modifications, terrific, that's very mellville of you referring to the boat as a she. (the guy pulls back the cover revealing a shark like mouth painted on the side at the front, with the words GIMMIE s*x in big pink letters with a darker border) Seth: Dear god...she's a slut. [SCENE_BREAK] CUT TO: Cohen bedroom - we see Kirsten in bed from above, similar to how we saw her earlier. she doesn't look any happier. we hear the phone ring beside her. Kirsten rolls over and picks it up, she looks at it for a second before answering. Kirsten: Hello. Sandy: Hey honey. Kirsten: ...hi. Sandy: I tried ya last night. Kirsten: I got your messages I uh I passed out early it was a long day at the office. Sandy: Oh...well I was hopin the rain would'a stopped by now an then they said they've have the road opened up but. Kirsten: Right...the conveniently washed out road. Sandy: ...believe me when I tell you...I'm walkin home if I have to. Kirsten: (teary, she looks at the photo from earlier) Jus get home...one way or the other. Sandy: I'll see ya soon. (Kirsten hangs up) [SCENE_BREAK] CUT TO: Caleb's mansion - Marissa is in her bedroom packing some of her clothes and things for Alex's. Julie knocks and walks in. Julie: You got a minute. Marissa: Not really. Julie: Well I would like to talk to you about your friend Alex. Marissa: I'm sure you would mom. Julie: Look Marissa, I experimented to when I was your age (Marissa looks at her) albeit it involved a little motley crew an alotta yager. Marissa: (screws up her face) Whoa, way too much information. Julie: I'm jus saying (Marissa turns around) I understand that this is a phase, but I won't make a big deal out of it if you don't. Marissa: Right, this way you avoid any public embarrassment (picks up Share Bear from her bed) Julie: Where're you going. Marissa: I'm moving out. Julie: (shocked) What. Marissa: You have my cell if Caleb kicks (shrugs) an you need help counting your cash. (Marissa walks out and Julie puts her hands on her hips and sighs) [SCENE_BREAK] CUT TO: The Cohen living room - we see from the outside that Seth and Ryan are in there, along with the former Summer breeze. Ryan: So what's the plan here (gets on the boat) Seth: (gets on as well) We get the boat in the pool, I get Summer to come over...wha-la. Ryan: (nods) You take Summer for a spin in the pool in the Gimmie s*x. Seth: It's a symbolic gesture Ryan, an one that will get Summer to fall back in love with me OK Ryan: OK Seth: Oh by the way, our ex's (smiles) are dating each other now. [SCENE_BREAK] (Ryan sits forward, suprised. Seth grins) Seth: Marissa an Alex, no longer welcome in the red states. Ryan: ...that I wouldnt've predicted. (Seth nods and smiles, clearly enjoying it) Ryan: Think it's for real. Seth: God I hope so (thinks) (softly) I just want em ta. (Ryan and Seth look as though they are both thinking {lol} Kirsten comes in) Kirsten: I'm not even gonna ask why there's a boat in the living room. Seth: It's an objective correlative mother I'm getting Summer back. Kirsten: Ah-huh (to Ryan) Lindsay called (Ryan looks at her) The tests are back she wants us to go with her. [SCENE_BREAK] CUT TO: Summers bedroom - Summer is walking out of her room carrying one bag, Zach has the rest. Zach: So this is it right, there's not another room full'a samsonites somewhere. Summer: (laughs) I promise, thankyou ooh you know what I forgot Princess Sparkle I can't go without her. Zach: OK Summer: Here (Zach takes the bag) Zach: As long as you leave her stable I'll meet you in the car. Summer: (laughs) OK (Zach heads for the car and Summer goes back into her room. she grabs Princess Sparkle and her phone rings. she answers it) Summer: Hello. (we see Seth on the phone at home) Seth: Hey Summer its me. Summer: Why am I not suprised. Seth: So ah what're you doin. Summer: Gee don't know, leaving for the airport (sits) to go to Italy. Seth: Listen'a me Summer, I have something I wanna show you, OK (frowns) an not in a creepy way. Summer: Cohen what your sellin I aint buyin. Seth: OK Summer...before you get on that plane I need you to give me one last shot, OK Summer: You had your shot, remember when we were dating an you sailed away. Seth: Yeah that's what I wanna talk to you about. Summer: No, you have no right ta do this to me, not now OK I'm hanging up. Seth: OK then jus tell me this...I mean when you're with him is it...is it like what we had. Summer: (frowns) You know, I can't remember that far back (Seth looks sad) an clearly Cohen what we had, it wasn't as awesome as what you had with Ryan otherwise you wouldnt've left, so you know what now I'm leaving you (heard through the phone) Seth: OK Summer will you please. (Summer hangs up. Seth hangs up. Summer looks as though she's thinking, she picks up Princess Sparkle again and stands) [SCENE_BREAK] CUT TO: The hospital - we see close ups of Lindsay, Ryan, Caleb, Kirsten and Renee all staring blankly, waiting. we see Lindsay and Ryan holding hands. Lindsay: Someone please...say something. Caleb: There's alotta...alotta rain. Renee: (to Kirsten) Nice to see you. Kirsten: There's is (to Renee) Yeah it's nice to see you too. Lindsay: (nervous) Yeah I-I feel...much more relaxed. Kirsten: (smiles) Lindsay no matter what happens...you'll always be a'part of the family (Lindsay smiles) Caleb: I couldnt've said it better myself. (the doctor comes in) Dr: Hello (Lindsay and Ryan stand) Thankyou for waiting (Caleb stands, Kirsten and Renee sit forward) All our results demonstrate (reads) we have a match (Ryan and Lindsay look at each other) Caleb Nichol is the father of Lindsay Wheeler-Gardner. (Caleb, Kirsten and Renee look relieved) Caleb: (smiles) I knew you were my daughter. (Caleb kisses Lindsay's head, and hugs her. Renee looks at Lindsay. Ryan looks worried still) [SCENE_BREAK] CUT TO: Seth's bedroom - we once again hear Boyz II Men playing on the stereo {aww} Seth is lying on his bed, looking very lost. Ryan walks in. Ryan: Uh Boyz II Men huh, guess it didn't go well (sits) Seth: I just hope they get the s*x over with early...like...jus join the mile high club over the Atlantic or something (sits up) Ryan: Oh I'm sorry man. Seth: What happened with Lindsay. Ryan: (matter of factly) She's Caleb's daughter. Seth: Hey, that's great (Ryan sort of nods) Wait I don't know is it. Ryan: (frowns) She's movin in with him...she went home to talk everything over with her mom, you want-you wanna help move her, get your mind off Summer. Seth: Ah the schlepping of heavy things...comfort for the weary soul, I'll pass. Ryan: Well you can't stay here an mope. Seth: No I know, I've got a plan, got the satellite fired up there showin a marathon of sherman oaks the real valley so. Ryan: (frowns) What's that. Seth: Mm apparently the Valley, its got its own reality show knock off, an you know why watch the angst of fictional characters when you can watch real people in contrived situations...could you turn the music up on your way out please...thanks (slides under the covers) (Ryan turns the music up and leaves the room. we see a close up of Seth hidden under the covers) [SCENE_BREAK] CUT TO: Sandy and Rebecca driving at night - the rain is coming down hard. Sandy: Oh lay off your brakes, cant anyone drive in this weather. Rebecca: Sandy, relax, please...can we talk about last night. Sandy: No we've got nothin to talk about other then your case an this traffic. Rebecca: So what we had meant nothing. Sandy: (looks at Rebecca) It meant everything to me then (Rebecca looks at him) That was then now I got a family that I love an I'm not throwin that away...I gotta get back ta Newport an make sure they know that. Rebecca: (screams) Sandy. Sandy: Whoa. (we hear screeching tyres and Sandy and Rebecca go off the road. {there was a commercial break here but it's the same scene so I'll just continue} Sandy is out of the car) Sandy: Ooooh. (Sandy limps around to Rebecca's side and opens her door) Sandy: Are you OK Rebecca: Yeah I think. (Sandy helps Rebecca out of the car. up on the road a truck has stopped) Driver: (yells) Hey (Rebecca & Sandy look) you guys alright. Sandy: (yells) Yeah little bruised an battered but we're OK Drive: Already called 911 cops are on the way, the tow truck ambulance (Rebecca looks worried) Sandy: Alright thankyou. Driver: Alright (waves) (Rebecca gets her things out of the car) Sandy: What're you doin. Rebecca: I can't do this, I gotta go...the cops are comin there gonna arrest me, maybe arrest you. Sandy: So we'll talk to them. Rebecca: I'm gonna chalk last night up to fate...I gotta do the same here. Sandy: Ya can't run again. Rebecca: What choice do I have (Sandy looks at her helplessly) an now my fathers gone an you...I (shakes her head) Your right...what we had was a long time ago...gotta let it go, let you go. (Sandy looks at Rebecca. Rebecca kisses him on the forehead.) Rebecca: See you Sandy Cohen. (Rebecca walks up the hill. Sandy watches her) [SCENE_BREAK] CUT TO: The airport - we see close up of Summer waiting for the plane, she doesn't look very happy. Zach looks at her. Z's mom: (sighs) So your father's flight doesn't leave DC until eleven, he's lucky he doesn't have'ta fly in this weather. (we hear a phone ringing) Summer: Uh, sorry (looks for her phone) Uh-hm (Summer looks at who's calling. its Seth she shuts it) Um I'm really excited that I finally get to meet your dad he sounds really cool. Zs sister: Oh um did dad make reservations at the oo feetsie? Z's mom: Oh he sure did, can't wait ta see the Bata celli. Zach: The birth of Venus is amazing in person. Zs mom: (smiles) Are you a fan of Bata celli. Summer: Yes (nods) Yes I am uh although I prefer his earlier work...you know the comedies (Zach smiles) (Zach's mom and sister look confused) Summer: Yeah, I'm gonna go get a magazine, would you like people, us weekly, in touch, anything. Zs mom: Oh I could take an economist. Zs sister: I could use a zanex. Summer: OK...OK (Summer walks over to the gift shop. she looks around then pulls out her phone dials some numbers and listens) Message: You have 1 new message (bites her lip) Seth: hey its me look uh perhaps your screening, perhaps your...being screened by security I just (sighs) Uh huh I just wanted'a say sorry to leave things like that OK (Summer half smiles) an I hope you have a good trip I really do, an somebody else here wants to say something (horse noises) Uh Captain Oats is a (Summer laughs silently) horse of few words but he said he'd like you to travel safe and uh he said we'll miss you so...OK, OK bye. (Summer looks sad and hangs up) [SCENE_BREAK] CUT TO: Alex's apartment - Alex is sitting on the couch laughing at the TV and drinking beer. Marissa comes out from the bedroom holding some of her clothes. Marissa: Um, there's no more closet space. Alex: No (shakes her head) I know I'm sorry. Marissa: ...its OK, I can learn ta live with less shoes. Alex: Uh I gotta get to work, hey you wanna walk me I love walking in the rain. Marissa: (smiles) Sure. Alex: Cool, oh uh (stands) Garbage days tomorrow d'you mind taking out the cans (Marissa's smile goes) an rent is due the first day of the month. Marissa: OK rent (smiles) Alex: I know it's really real huh, no turning back (smiles) Marissa: Its real (smiles) Alex: Bet you never (strokes Marissa's hair) Did anything this crazy before (kisses Marissa's cheek) I'm gonna grab my jacket. (Marissa nods and looks around at the mess) [SCENE_BREAK] CUT TO: Lindsay's room - Lindsay is packing and Ryan stands at the door. he knocks on the door frame and Lindsay looks over and smiles. Ryan: Hi. Lindsay: Hey. Ryan: All packed. Lindsay: Getting there. Ryan: Call Caleb, let him know you were comin. Lindsay: (shakes her head) No (Ryan looks at her) ...because I'm not. Ryan: (raises eyebrows) Huh, OK. Lindsay: Ryan (Ryan moves closer) I talked it over with my mom...an I wanna go with her (closes her eyes) to Chicago. Ryan: I thought... Lindsay: Do I really wanna be Caleb Nichols daughter? (Ryan closes his eyes) It's not the life I want (Ryan looks at her) (softly) an as hard as it is to leave you...I can't leave my mom...she's the only family I've ever really had. Ryan: (looks at Lindsay) I get it (half smiles) (Lindsay, teary puts her head on Ryan's shoulder. Ryan holds her close, taking it all in. Lindsay closes her eyes and a single tear falls. the camera zooms out to show them holding each other) [SCENE_BREAK] CUT TO: Cohen living room - Seth sits on the couch, and Captain Oats is on the arm next to him. Seth: Here we go buddy, hours of mind numbing escapism (points the remote control) (we see the TV with nothing but snow and a channel number. Seth goes to other channel's and it's the same thing) Seth: The satellites out (closes his eyes) Ugh (softly) I refuse to be denied this one - small - pleasure...this I can fix (turns off the TV and leaves the room) [SCENE_BREAK] CUT TO: The airport - Summer is coming out of the gift shop, Zach walks over to her panicked. Zach: I need you, the flights ben delayed a couple hours because'a the weather, my sister is having an anxiety attack. Summer: (worried) Well what's the matter. Zach: She's really superstitious an she thinks this whole thing is a sign that she shouldn't marry Rodolfo (Summer raises her eyebrows) I don't know maybe a...girls point of view. Summer: Sure, yeah. Zach: OK good. Summer: OK (Summer goes to follow Zach but she looks over and sees a little boy playing with a horse on the floor. he has comic books spread out, he's basically a mini Seth. Summer watches him thinking. the little boy looks up at her and she bites her lip) Zach: Are you coming. Summer: Huh (looks at Zach) (closes her eyes) I can't do it. Zach: OK I-I'll talk to her myself. Summer: (softly) No...I mean I can't go I can't do this. (Zach looks at Summer confused. Summer looks back at Zach. the little boy says neigh neigh. Zach looks over and sees him. Summer looks over, teary. Zach looks back at Summer, he touches her neck and Summer closes her eyes) Zach: (frowns, softly) Truth be told...I didn't think you'd make it passed security. Summer: (upset) I'm really sorry. Zach: Can't fight fate. (Summer leans forward and kisses Zach, she wipes his lips with her thumb and finger and looks at him one last time, sadly before running out {the song Champagne Supernova begins to play, and continues to play right through to the end of the episode. it fits each scene perfectly!} we see Zach clearly in the foreground, and in the background Summer runs out the doors) [SCENE_BREAK] CUT TO: A bus pulling up - we see Sandy looking out the window to Kirsten who is waiting for him holding an umbrella. the bus comes to a stop and Sandy quickly gets off. they look at each other. Kirsten: You took the bus. Sandy: I told you...nothing is keepin me from you. Kirsten: (looks at Sandy) ...is it over. Sandy: I promise you it never started. (they slowly lean in towards each other and kiss. they look into each others eyes before kissing more) [SCENE_BREAK] CUT TO: Outside the Cohen house - Seth climbs onto the roof with some rope, he's wearing the Spiderman mask again. he slowly crawls towards the satellite dish. it's still pouring down rain. he ties the rope to the concrete block, and the other end is around his waist. he stands up and pulls on the satellite. there is a flash of lightening and he slips onto his back. he slides off the roof head first screaming all the way. the rope pulls tight and we see Seth dangling head down, off of the roof. he's a few feet from the ground. Seth: Uh help, anyone (looks around) Mom. [SCENE_BREAK] CUT TO: Marissa and Alex walking in the rain - Marissa is holding an umbrella over them both and they are just outside the Bait Shop entrance. Alex: Thanks for walking me, are you sure you don't wanna come in the band is really, really, good. Marissa: Oh no I should get back, the dishes (shrugs) aren't gonna wash themselves. Alex: (smiles) OK (kisses Marissa) Bye. Marissa: Bye (smiles) (Alex goes inside and Marissa turns around to walk away. she looks over and sees Ryan standing by himself near a railing, he's getting wet, she walks over to him) Marissa: Hey (holds the umbrella over them) Ryan: (softly) Hey. Marissa: (worried) ...are you OK (Ryan looks at Marissa, his face is dripping with water, more then likely from the rain but I am sure there are tears mixed in {poor guy}) Ryan: (nods) Yeah. (Marissa thinks, then she puts her hand on his shoulder. we see them from the back and she moves her hand across his back to the other shoulder so she has her arm around him) [SCENE_BREAK] CUT TO: A cab pulls up somewhere and Summer gets out, she screams from the rain. she runs around the back of the cab and we can now see its the Cohen's house. she runs up to the front and knocks hard, she waits a second and then opens the front door and goes in. Summer: (yells) Cohen...Cohen. Seth: (yells) Help...someone. (Summer goes through the living room and out the door to the backyard) Seth: Anyone. Summer: (with her back to him) (frowns) Cohen. Seth: Summer. Summer: (turns around and sees him) Oh my (runs over to Seth and looks into his face with an 'awww' expression) {remember he still has the Spiderman mask on} Seth: What're you doing here. Summer: What'do you think Cohen. (Summer peels the Spiderman mask back just enough to reveal Seth's mouth, she laughs and kisses him. her hands are on his cheeks and Seth puts his hand on Summers back. there's more thunder and lightening. we see them from a distance and they are still kissing! {awwwww} Champagne Supernova continues to play, which really made the scene that much better!) Fade out on one of the most perfect scenes the OC has given us yet!

It's raining in Newport. Marissa tells Julie that she and Alex are an item and decides she has to get out of Caleb's house. Summer is faced with a big decision as she prepares to go Italy with Zach. Ryan convinces Lindsay to take the paternity test and everyone anxiously awaits the results. Meanwhile, Sandy finds himself stranded in a motel room with nothing but a few snacks, champagne and Rebecca.

fd_Alias_02x20

fd_Alias_02x20_0

(Night. Outside. Dixon has a man on the ground and a detonator in his hand with a timer on it.) DIXON: Where the hell's the device?! Tell me or we're both dead! MAN: Who are you? You're crazy! (Sydney runs up.) SYDNEY: Dixon, what are you doing?! MAN: I don't know what you're talking about! DIXON: STAY BACK, SYDNEY! MAN: No way, you're gonna kill yourself! DIXON: I've got NOTHING to LOSE! (Back in LA at the ops center, Jack and another man -- Director Brandon -- are on comm.) BRANDON: What the hell's your man doing? JACK: Agent Dixon, disarm your explosive immediately! BRANDON: Vaughn, can you see them from your position? (Vaughn and his Delta team are nearby.) VAUGHN: Negative. SYDNEY: Dixon, think! Don't do this! DIXON: Sydney, get out of here! SYDNEY: I'm not leaving without you. JACK: Dixon, I repeat -- deactivate that weapon! DIXON: Tell me where the box is or we die! (Vaughn is on a balcony overlooking the scene below with Dixon, the man, and Sydney. He aims his gun.) VAUGHN: Base camp, I've got a visual. DIXON: Tell me! What it's gonna be! BRANDON: Tell Vaughn to take him down! JACK: Dixon could be holding a manual detonator. Firing at him could trigger the explosion. SYDNEY: Dixon, shut it down! DIXON: Fifteen... fourteen... BRANDON: Agent Bristow, I'm pulling rank. Agent Vaughn, this is NSA Deputy Director Brandon. I am ordering you to take that shot at first possible opportunity! (Vaughn aims his gun.) DIXON: Sydney, get out of here! SYDNEY: Dixon, you have to disarm now! (Vaughn's finger's on the trigger...) (Los Angeles. 72 hours earlier. At the Dixon household, Dixon's daughter holds a Kleenex in her hand, sitting on the sofa. Various people, dressed in black, eat cake and drink tea. Dixon talks to an elderly man. Marshall, Vaughn and Sydney stand together in a circle.) MARSHALL: Um, should I say something to him? VAUGHN: If you want. (Sydney watches Dixon speak to Jack and then sit next to his daughter. She leans against him and he rests his arm around her. Later, Dixon is alone and taking a moment. He leans against a wall.) DIXON: Okay, come on, come on, come on... (He moves to a dresser in the bedroom and opens the top drawer, removing a pill bottle. Vaughn, down the hall, stops when he sees him and sort of hides in the doorway. Tapping out a couple of pills, Dixon swallows them. Vaughn leaves him.) (Later, in Sydney's bedroom, Vaughn unzips the back of Sydney's dress. In her bra, she moves over to her closet to get a shirt.) VAUGHN: I saw Dixon take something. SYDNEY: What do you mean? VAUGHN: Pills. Uh, he just looked like he was barely holding it together. SYDNEY: It could've been aspirin. VAUGHN: It wasn't aspirin. (He takes off his suit jacket and sits on the edge of her bed. She pulls a shirt on over her head.) SYDNEY: What are you saying? VAUGHN: I'm saying he's going back to work days after his wife was murdered and he's self-medicating. SYDNEY: I think he needs to feel like he's doing everything he can. VAUGHN: To find Sloane. SYDNEY: I had the same thing with Danny. (Sark enters an office somewhere. Sloane is at his desk.) SARK: I found the man we're looking for. He lives in Panama City. I can be there in seventeen hours. SLOANE: No. The CIA has a copy of the database Caplan decrypted. They'll deduce who it is we're after if they haven't already done it. SARK: What do you suggest? SLOANE: I suggest you call this number. (He writes it down on a piece of paper.) SLOANE: A recording will answer for a limousine service. You will leave your cell number only. Within five minutes a man will call you. You tell him exactly what you need. (He gives the paper to Sark, who takes it.) SLOANE: Have you heard from Irina? SARK: She's in Cyprus... inspecting some properties to take the place of the facility in Spain. SLOANE: I see. (pours drink) I thought I would have some measure of satisfaction with Diane Dixon's death. I killed the wrong person. SARK: Dixon? SLOANE: I'm taking a leave. I want you to continue without me. SARK: Sir, not to belittle your grief... but do not deny yourself the victory of a thirty-year pursuit. SLOANE: If I don't see you again, Mr. Sark, tell Irina that I hope you both succeed where I couldn't. (Briefing room at the CIA with Marshall, Sydney, Vaughn, Jack and two newcomers.) JACK: This is Frederick Brandon, NSA Deputy Director. He's coordinating an inter-agency task force to locate and study Rambaldi's work. BRANDON: Well, first of all, I'd like to say thank you to all of you for welcoming my associate and I. (He gestures to a young brunette sitting at the table next to him.) CARRIE: I'm Carrie Bowman, Special Projects. Well, thanks to your technical services specialist-- (She looks at her notes.) CARRIE: It's a Mr. Flinkman... (Marshall looks up.) CARRIE: Uh, we've made an invaluable breakthrough in the Rambaldi investigation. MARSHALL: Really? Actually, I-I'm Flinkman. Marshall Flinkman. CARRIE: Hi. (laughs) MARSHALL: Hi. CARRIE: So, uh, while the CIA was in possession of Rambaldi's study of the human heart, Mr. Flinkman cataloged and copied it. (He just stares across the table at her in response.) CARRIE: D-Do you have the presentation? MARSHALL: Hmm? Oh, a... presentation. Yeah. I've got--and by the way you can call me Marshall. Everybody calls me... whatever. (Sydney looks back and forth between Carrie and Marshall, smiling. Marshall stands and starts the presentation. A page from the Rambaldi manuscript of the human heart that Irina later stole is on the screen.) MARSHALL: Um, okay, uh, take a look right here. Now, these drawings are amazing. Like, Da Vinci-in-his-prime amazing. But the what-could-he-have-possibly-been-smoking element? Well, that is right here. Now, take a look in the corner. You see these little drawings in the corner of the pages? Now, they look just like normal squiggles or doodling, you know, like-like you would do while you're on the phone talking to-- Although... he probably wouldn't be on the phone because, you know, it was the fifteenth century and they didn't actually have phones yet but, um, they are actually specific strands of DNA. Now, I strung them all together and I got a DNA fingerprint. BRANDON: The DNA of this man. Protero Di Regno, private citizen, living in Panama City. He works as an art restorer. VAUGHN: You're saying that five hundred years ago Rambaldi drew the DNA profile of a man who's alive today? CARRIE: It gets even better. Di Regno's DNA profile was a code key. It let us decrypt page 94 of the Rambaldi manuscript. DIXON: What's on the page? BRANDON: Times and dates, each marking an apocalyptic event. September the seventh, 1812 -- Napoleon's bloodiest battle with the Russians. June twenty-eighth, 1914 -- the assassination of Archduke Ferdinand. Started World War I. August the sixth, 1945 -- Hiroshima. The list goes on. SYDNEY: There's a future date listed on the page... isn't there? BRANDON: Forty-eight hours from now. SYDNEY: What's the prediction? CARRIE: The page doesn't say, it just gives the time. It's the equivalent of midnight, eastern standard time. JACK: We're coordinating with local authorities in Panama City. When you find Di Regno, you'll escort him back here. BRANDON: Until the moment specified by Rambaldi has come and gone, by national security directive, this operations center is under the jurisdiction of NSA. (Di Regno's bedroom, night. He's in bed, asleep, until a thudding wakes him up. He looks around and tries to click on the bedside lamp but it doesn't come on. He gets out of bed and looks at his watch on the nightstand. He gets up and walks to another lamp, tries it. It doesn't come on either. He walks over to the window and looks around. A man comes out of the darkness and stabs him. Di Regno falls to the floor.) (In Panama City, it looks as if Sydney and Dixon have arrived a bit too late. Di Regno is flat on his back in his bloody bed. An extractor is on his chest, opening it up wide, where his heart used to be. Forensics people are around and the investigating cop is at the bedside with Sydney and Dixon.) DIXON: We've talked to the neighbors. No one saw the person who might've done this. COP: So far, forensics haven't found anything. No prints, nothing. SYDNEY: And you believe this wasn't a burglary? COP: No, nothing was taken. Besides his heart. (His cell rings. He walks away to answer it. Sydney puts on a pair of rubber gloves and moves around the bed while Dixon takes pictures. While Sydney is a bit bothered to see a dead body whose chest cavity has a huge hole in it, Dixon isn't really bothered at all. Sydney picks up Di Regno's lifeless hand and shows it to Dixon.) SYDNEY: Look. (She shows him a tatoo on the spot above his thumb: ) DIXON: Rambaldi. (Sydney nods.) DIXON: So why take his heart? SYDNEY: I don't know. (to another guy) Perdoneme. (A guy comes over. Sydney speaks Spanish to him, pointing at something on the extractor. He removes it with tweezers and they begin to dust it. She looks at Dixon.) SYDNEY: It looks like the fingertip from a latex glove. Must've torn off. (Sydney speaks to Marshall on phone. He's in front of a computer with a file up. Pictured is the man who stabbed Di Regno.) MARSHALL: I was able to enhance the partial print you sent me off the latex glove. There was a match. Guy's name is Emilio Vargas, he's a freelance assassin specializing in interrogation and wet work. Clients include Russian mafia, Triad, Japanese Yakuza. SYDNEY: Any intel on where he operates from? MARSHALL: Well, there is an address in Guadalajara. SYDNEY: Forward me everything you've got. (Vaughn follows Jack, who walks through the ops center.) VAUGHN: I have a request concerning Agent Dixon. JACK: What is it. VAUGHN: I know he's been through a lot and I know he wants to feel useful but until he's had a psychological evaluation and is cleared by medical services, I believe it's in his best interests and ours, to remove him from field duty. JACK: I've worked with Agent Dixon for nearly a dozen years. You've worked with him for little over a month. If he feels ready to be in the field, I'm going to accord him that respect. VAUGHN: But given his state of mind, do you really think he's the right person to make that decision? JACK: Yes. VAUGHN: Jack, he just lost his wife. I mean, with all due respect, why are you fighting with me on this? JACK: I'm not required to justify my decisions to you, Agent Vaughn. However, I recruited Agent Dixon into SD-6. I'm the man who sold him the lie he was working for the CIA. I introduced him to the man who killed his wife. I will not be the one to tell him he can't assist in Sloane's capture. (At his desk, Marshall chews at his fingernails and notices Carrie, sitting downwind, crying softly with earphones in her ears. She sobs into her hand.) MARSHALL: Is... everything okay? Miss Bowman? (She doesn't hear him. He rifles through some drawers and comes up with a box of tissues. He approaches her.) CARRIE: Hey. MARSHALL: Excuse me, I--actually... CARRIE: Thank you. (She removes the earphones and takes the box.) MARSHALL: No problem. I just... everything all right? Or... CARRIE: (motions to earphones) It's Joni Mitchell. Don't tell anyone, okay? MARSHALL: No, I-I... (He goes back to his seat.) CARRIE: I-I shouldn't bring her to work, it just makes me fatalistic. MARSHALL: Well, this work we're doing doesn't really help. CARRIE: No kidding. MARSHALL: You know, researching this prophecy, trying to predict what sort of disaster's going to hit thirty-six hours from now, it makes me want to throw up. (She wheels over in her office chair, coming closer. Marshall sits back.) CARRIE: Do you believe in this stuff? Rambaldi, his prophecy? MARSHALL: I don't know, um... I was raised more or less by agnostic parents. They were inordinately emperical. Logical to the point of foolishness. Like, "Marshall, you must wear your sweater. It's fifty-two degrees outside." But I'm like, "Mom, I'm not cold. I don't want--" "Well, in this family, we wear sweaters at fifty-two degrees." I mean, there were really no prophecies growing up. Or even Santa Claus, Tooth Fairies... CARRIE: So the short answer is no. MARSHALL: Well that's what I keep telling myself. CARRIE: To tell you the truth, I'm exhausted by the world. Everything -- the evil and the rage and the darkness. And the last thing I need is some fifteenth century dork telling me I got a day and a half to live. MARSHALL: I understand. I mean, like, I have so much left to do. CARRIE: Right. (pause) Are you gay? MARSHALL: Why, is there someone you wanted to set me up with? CARRIE: No, it's just every cute guy that I meet turns out to be gay. MARSHALL: Oh. CARRIE: I'm not stupid. I mean, I'm in Mensa-- MARSAHLL: Hold on -- not gay. I-I mean, I like men in a kind of manly friendly sort of way-- CARRIE: How about sushi? Because when we're done with this job, after thirty-six hours -- of course, assuming we're all still here -- would you maybe... you wanna get some sushi? MARSHALL: Yeah, I would love that. Oh, and um, Joni Mitchell? (He puts an imaginary key in his mouth and locks it.) (Vaughn is at his desk and picks up the phone.) VAUGHN: Uh, Dr. Barnett? Uh, this is Michael Vaughn. Do you have a minute? There's something I want to talk to you about. (In Guadalajara, two masked men fight in a ring with people holding cash in the air, placing bets. It's loud and crowded and crazy. Dixon and Sydney enter and go to a bouncer.) SYDNEY: (speaking Spanish) Tell Vargas we want a meeting. The Triad has another job for him. (The bouncer nods and speaks in his transmitter. He points the right way. Sydney smiles and they make their way to the meet point. At the foot of a stairwell, they stop and see Vargas, who stands at the top.) SYDNEY: Mr. Vargas... we come referred by Gurneyev. He was very pleased with the work you did in Gdansk. VARGAS: Si. The Copertley job. SYDNEY: No... Janazik. (He smiles and nods, speaking Spanish. They go upstairs. Walking through the hallway...) VARGAS: Janazik was a learning experience. I found if you remove the eye slowly, you could keep it connected to the optic nerve. He saw himself in a whole new light. (Dixon suddenly slams Vargas against a wall, knocking his head against it.) SYDNEY: Why did you kill Di Regno? DIXON: Son of a BITCH! (Vargas pulls a knife and starts fighting with Dixon. Dixon punches him but Vargas kicks Dixon in the jaw. He takes sword over head and flings it at Dixon. When Dixon jumps back, he reaches for the other sword. Sydney meanwhile grabs two curvy swords from the wall and spins them on either side of her, coming closer. She moves Vargas up the stairs. He jabs at her. Dixon comes up but Vargas jumps off the stairwell, landing on the floor below. Dixon does the same. The three of them fight with Sydney breaking the wooden handle of the sword Vargas was using. Dixon kicks him and Sydney points one of her swords at his throat.) SYDNEY: Why Di Regno? Why'd you kill him? Why'd you take his heart? (Dixon grabs Vargas's wrist and twists his arm.) DIXON: Talk! VARGAS: Ahhh! DIXON: Son of a bitch! (He twists his arm some more.) VARGAS: It wasn't his heart, it wasn't his heart! It was a machine! Ahhhh, I don't know! SYDNEY: Where is it? (The bone starts to break. Sydney looks at Dixon, a bit alarmed.) VARGAS: Ahhh! On a truck, on its way to Colombia! Cartagena! Oh God! DIXON: Is that where Sloane is? VARGAS: Who? (Dixon kicks him in the face.) DIXON: Is that where Sloane is? VARGAS: Ahhh... who... (Dixon punches him.) DIXON: Sloane! Where is he?! VARGAS: I don't know Sloane... DIXON: The guy who HIRED YOU! (He hits him.) VARGAS: I was hired by phone! DIXON: How'd he pay you? VARGAS: Wire... wire transfer! (He hits him.) DIXON: Tell me... (hits him)... how... (hits him)... to find... (hits him)... SLOANE! SYDNEY: Dixon! (He hits him again.) SYDNEY: DIXON! (Coming to, Dixon looks at Sydney and walks out.) (Barnett's office with Dixon.) BARNETT: I asked you to come in because I wanted to know how you were doing during what has to be a most difficult time. I am so sorry for your loss. DIXON: (nods) Thank you. BARNETT: Do you mind if we talk about the operation yesterday in Guatalajara? DIXON: No, of course not. BARNETT: This was four days after the death of your wife. DIXON: That's correct. BARNETT: Were you ordered on this mission? DIXON: No. I was encouraged not to go. I insisted. BARNETT: Why? DIXON: Because I have unfinished business. BARNETT: With Sloane. It says here that you and Agent Bristow interrogated an associate of Sloane's. DIXON: That's right. BARNETT: Was that difficult -- being in the same room with someone who might know the whereabouts of the man who killed your wife? DIXON: He didn't know. BARNETT: Did you ask him? DIXON: Did Agent Bristow talk to you? BARNETT: Would she tell me something different? DIXON: I used necessary force. BARNETT: There are people at this agency who are working to bring Sloane to justice. DIXON: Not good enough. I need to be involved. BARNETT: Agent Dixon, it is my job to determine whether at this time you are fit for duty. (Ops center. Marshall pours some noodles out of a Thermos into its cup. Sydney sits across from him.) MARSHALL: Well, I reviewed his medical records and Di Regno never had a heart transplant, nor did he have an artificial heart. I'm sorry, did you-- (He offers her some of his noodles. She shakes her head no.) MARSHALL: Which leads us to at least two disconcerting questions. What in God's name was keeping him alive and why did Sloane want it so badly? (chews) Mmm, there's more. Now, remember those heart drawings he did? Well, I interpreted the text and Rambaldi referred to conquering tissue degeneration. SYDNEY: We know Rambaldi was fascinated with immortality. MARSHALL: Yeah, but even so, what does all this possibly have to do with the doomsday prophecy? (Sydney looks at the file for a second.) SYDNEY: Twenty-three hours left. The satellites are tracking the truck. We should get something soon. MARSHALL: (eating) Mmm, actually, this probably has no connection at all but Di Regno worked as an art restorer. Now, Carrie reminded me -- Hitler was a painter. SYDNEY: (amused) Carrie? MARSHALL: What? Oh, did I-- Miss Bowman. I should go. (Marshall walks away and Dixon comes up, leaning over Marshall's empty chair.) DIXON: Syd, did you tell Barnett that I wasn't fit for field duty? SYDNEY: Dixon, no. DIXON: You didn't put in a request for me to undergo an eval? SYDNEY: I promise you, no. DIXON: Somebody did. I've been ordered to report to medical services for a drug test. SYDNEY: You're worried. DIXON: I've been taking Vicodin. Now, I stopped, I threw them away, but it doesn't matter, it'll show up on the test. Sydney, they're going to suspend me. [SCENE_BREAK] (Vaughn walks in the ops center and goes to Sydney.) VAUGHN: They've ID'd the truck, it just crossed the border from Panama to Colombia. Your father is developing an op to intercept Di Regno's heart. SYDNEY: Did you report to Barnett that Dixon was taking pills? VAUGHN: Yes. SYDNEY: Come here. (She takes him down the hall for privacy.) SYDNEY: You should have called me first. VAUGHN: Well, I'm sorry I didn't but I don't need your permission to do my job. SYDNEY: Why would you go out of your way to make things harder for him? VAUGHN: I'm trying to protect him and you. SYDNEY: He's handling it! VAUGHN: If he makes some mistake out there, it could get you killed! SYDNEY: Dixon has saved my life more times than I can count! VAUGHN: He nearly beat a man to death. SYDNEY: He got us our only lead on the Di Regno device. VAUGHN: Look, I get that you both have a personal stake in catching Sloane. But it can also cloud your judgment. SYDNEY: It makes me insane when you patronize me. VAUGHN: Look, this conversation's over. I stand by my decision. (Nepal. In the wilderness, Sloane is being led up a trail by a young guide. Mountains in the distance. The guide takes a drink from a canteen and offers Sloane some. He waves him off.) GUIDE: Shall we continue? SLOANE: I would like to cross the north summit. GUIDE: You did not tell me this when you hired me. SLOANE: If I had, you wouldn't have come. I will gladly pay you double the amount we discussed. GUIDE: No. People that go there do no return the same. SLOANE: I see. Well, don't worry about me. (He pats the guide on the shoulder and continues on.) (Knock on Sydney's front door. She answers to find Vaughn.) VAUGHN: I wanted to say I'm sorry. You caught me off guard. SYDNEY: I'm sorry. I know you're just looking out for Dixon... and me. VAUGHN: His test came back negative. You were right, must have been aspirin. Are we okay? SYDNEY: Yeah. VAUGHN: Good. (They hug. Sydney's worried.) (At Dixon's house, he lets her inside.) SYDNEY: I hope I didn't wake the kids. DIXON: They're at Diane's sister's. SYDNEY: You passed the drug test. DIXON: I'm in trouble, Syd. SYDNEY: What did you do, switch the results? DIXON: As soon as I left the building, I knew it was a mistake. SYDNEY: Oh, Dixon... DIXON: But it was too late. SYDNEY: Oh, my God... DIXON: The results were already cataloged. SYDNEY: Oh, Dixon, you shouldn't have done that. DIXON: Sloane murdered my wife! I have to make him pay for that. SYDNEY: I've been called in to talk to Barnett. DIXON: You can't tell her. SYDNEY: Dixon... DIXON: If they find out I doctored my test I'll never work for the government again. How will I take care of my kids? Sydney, I don't know how to do this without Diane! SYDNEY: I have to go. DIXON: Syd... SYDNEY: I have to... (She leaves.) (Barnett's office.) BARNETT: Thanks for coming so late but I was about to finish my evaluation on Marcus Dixon and I didn't feel that it would be comprehensive without getting some input from the person who knows him best. SYDNEY: What would you like to know? BARNETT: Your father has argued strongly that Dixon should stay in the field and without any evidence of drug use, I can't countermand him. Is there anything that you think I should know before I give my final decision? (Cut to a bridge. Dixon drives up in his car, parks it.) (Barnett's office.) SYDNEY: Marcus Dixon is one of the strongest people I've ever known. I trust him with my life, without hesitation... (Cut back to the bridge. Dixon climbs out of his car and takes a few steps forward, not bothering to close the car door behind him.) (Barnett's office.) SYDNEY: ...and I am confident that despite the agony he's feeling right now, he will pull through this. (On the bridge, Dixon stands on the edge, ready to jump. He spreads his arms out wide as the traffic moves below.) (Sydney walks in the ops center.) SYDNEY: Hey. VAUGHN: Hey. SYDNEY: I got your message. VAUGHN: The truck left the Pan-American highway towards Cartegena. It looks like its endpoint is the Estrella shipyard. We're going in with Delta force. SYDNEY: What about Dixon? VAUGHN: I left word right after I called you. He hasn't called me back. (Minutes later, with Jack and Brandon. They show Sydney satellite photographs of the area.) JACK: This is the Estrella, a cargo-freight area with its own security. The perimeter has patrol covering both the north and southeast sectors. Intel indicates that the truck is located here. Sydney, you'll infiltrate the weakest post and secure it. Vaughn and Delta force will join you onboard to determine whether or not this heart is actually a weapon, an explosive. BRANDON: By the time you'll reach this truck you'll only have twenty minutes until the midnight deadline. If you're unable to locate the Rambaldi device, I've been given authority to initiate secondary protocol to rig the yard with enough C-4 to destroy what the device may be. (Dixon walks in, buttoning up his suit jacket.) BRANDON: You're late. DIXON: Sorry, sir. JACK: Fill him in on the way. You leave in an hour. DIXON: (to Vaughn) Uh, could you give us a minute? VAUGHN: Sure. I'll see you in tech services. SYDNEY: Okay. (Vaughn leaves.) DIXON: Thank you for not saying anything. SYDNEY: It wasn't just Barnett. I lied to Vaughn. DIXON: Sydney-- SYDNEY: I need you to look me in the eye and promise me that you can handle this. DIXON: I promise. SYDNEY: Okay, let's go. (Sloane climbs a snowy mountain with the help of ski poles. He sees a palace up ahead on the mountain's edge and takes off his glasses. Inside, he slams open the doors and talks to the various monks walking around.) SLOANE: I've come to see Conrad. (He opens another set of doors and barges in. Conrad sits alone.) SLOANE: Do you know who I am? Do you? (He takes a gun and presses it at Conrad's neck.) CONRAD: Arvin Sloane. SLOANE: That's right, you son of a bitch. CONRAD: Your search for Rambaldi... has frustrated you. SLOANE: Frustrated me? You mean that meaningless quest that you sent me on thirty years ago that made me abandon the CIA and betray everyone I ever loved? CONRAD: Your wife has been killed. SLOANE: How did you know that? CONRAD: Put away the gun. There is something I must show you. (He lowers the gun.) (Cartagena. Two guards are at the weakest point. Sydney takes down one of them by kicking him a few times. Dixon grabs the other and rams his head against the post door. They run into the shipyard and we're back to the first of the episode.) SYDNEY: We found the truck. No sign of the driver. I'm going to look for the device. (Vaughn and the Delta force are waiting nearby.) VAUGHN: Copy, Mountaineer. Base camp, waiting on your signal. (In LA with Jack and Brandon.) JACK: Copy that, Boy Scout. Hold your position. (Sydney's about to go in.) SYDNEY: Cover me. (She runs to the truck and opens the door, shining her flashlight inside.) SYDNEY: It's not here. It's already been moved. Okay, we have to search every container. BRANDON: You do not have time. Initiate secodary protocol. JACK: Not yet. We'll give Sydney as much time as we can to find the device. BRANDON: At least move your team into place. JACK: Boy Scout, weapons free. Move out. VAUGHN: Copy. (The men approach the area with their guns aimed. Sydney and Dixon go deeper into the shipyard and see the feet of two men on the other side of one of the trucks.) MAN: Secure the freight. MAN 2: Yeah. (She motions to Dixon to get Man while she'll get Man 2. He nods and they break apart, getting their men. Dixon grabs his guy throws him against the wall and Sydney knocks the other out.) MAN: Ahh, who are you? DIXON: CIA! You just took possession of cargo coming from Panama City! Where is it? MAN: No idea what you're talking about. (Dixon hits him, hard. He collapses to the ground.) MAN: Oh, ugh! DIXON: Where is it! (He says nothing so Dixon hits him again.) DIXON: Maybe they didn't tell you what you were transporting but it could be a weapon of mass destruction. MAN: Piss off, huh? (Instead of hitting him again, Dixon backs up, nodding.) DIXON: Okay, okay... (He takes out a pack of C-4 with a timer on it. He starts it at thirty seconds.) DIXON: You see this? There's enough C-4 here to blow us all to hell! Where the hell is the device! (Sydney runs up.) SYDNEY: Dixon, what are you doing?! MAN: I don't know what you're talking about! DIXON: STAY BACK, SYDNEY! MAN: No way, you're gonna kill yourself! DIXON: I've got NOTHING to LOSE! (Back in LA at the ops center, Jack and another man -- Director Brandon -- are on comm.) BRANDON: What the hell's your man doing? JACK: Agent Dixon, disarm your explosive immediately! BRANDON: Vaughn, can you see them from your position? (Vaughn and his Delta team are nearby.) VAUGHN: Negative. SYDNEY: Dixon, think! Don't do this! DIXON: Sydney, get out of here! SYDNEY: I'm not leaving without you. JACK: Dixon, I repeat -- deactivate that weapon! DIXON: Tell me where the box is or we die! (Vaughn is on a balcony overlooking the scene below with Dixon, the man, and Sydney. He aims his gun.) VAUGHN: Base camp, I've got a visual. DIXON: Tell me! What it's gonna be! BRANDON: Tell Vaughn to take him down! JACK: Dixon could be holding a manual detonator. Firing at him could trigger the explosion. SYDNEY: Dixon, shut it down! DIXON: Fifteen... fourteen... BRANDON: Agent Bristow, I'm pulling rank. Agent Vaughn, this is NSA Deputy Director Brandon. I am ordering you to take that shot at first possible opportunity! (Vaughn aims his gun.) DIXON: Sydney, get out of here! SYDNEY: Dixon, you have to disarm now! (Vaughn's finger's on the trigger...) DIXON: Sydney, please -- GO! What's it gonna be? Tell me! MAN: Okay, container 246-B! Now shut it off! Shut it off! Shut it off! (Two... one... zero. Beeeeep. Nothing happens. Dixon stands up as Vaughn and the man both exhale deeply. Dixon looks over at Sydney.) DIXON: I cut the primer cord. I'm not that desperate. (They open the container.) DELTA GUY: We've got the device! BRANDON: Two minutes forty seconds to midnight. (At the monk palace in Nepal, Conrad removes a panel on the floor and takes out a box that has the Rambaldi symbol on the cover. Inside, he starts taking out the Rambaldi papers.) CONRAD: Thirty years ago, I could only tell you so much. The information had to come to you over time or you would not have understood. Certain events... need to unfold. According to Rambaldi's writings, your wife's death, although unfortunate, was a necessary step on your journey. SLOANE: You knew my wife was going to die... and you didn't warn me? CONRAD: If I had... I could not have given you this. (He gives him a scroll of paper.) (The Delta leader sweeps the suitcase with the heart device inside.) DELTA GUY: No sign of radioactivity... the device is self-contained, not hard-wired to the case. Do I have authorization to open it? BRANDON: Nineteen seconds. JACK: Open the box, Delta leader. (Conrad holds the scroll out to him.) CONRAD: You can always choose to ignore it. (Back at the shipyard.) DELTA GUY: I have opened the box. BRANDON: Can you deactivate it? DELTA GUY: Negative. It's not a bomb. JACK: What is it? BRANDON: Don't answer that, Delta leader. You seal the box and bring it home. (Sloane unrolls the paper and at the same moment, his watch beeps. Church bells ring in the distance. It's midnight, eastern standard time.) (Shipyard.) DELTA GUY: Sir, it's Delta leader. It's all clear, we're packing up. (The timer goes past midnight.) BRANDON: Ohhh... I guess Rambaldi was wrong. JACK: Your jurisdiction just expired. I'll have a jet standing by to take you back to Washington. (Jack rips off his headset and walks away.) (In Nepal, Sloane is overcome as he reads the passage on the sheet.) CONRAD: Now you understand... your journey has just begun. (Up in the sky, above the mountains in Nepal, lightning flashes and thunder rumbles.) (Sydney and Dixon get ready to leave. DIXON: Last night, asking you to lie for me... I'm sorry I ever put you in that position. SYDNEY: It's okay. DIXON: (crying) After you left... I got in my car and drove to this bridge I know. I was standing there, looking up at the sky... asking God for forgiveness for what I was about to do. And then I heard something. It was a baby crying. It was a baby crying. I-I didn't know where it was coming from, I was alone... and I started thinking about my babies. I could see them, I could see them in the crib, I saw us sitting up with them at night when they were sick. And so... and so I stepped down from the railing and then I looked up and it wasn't a baby that was crying. It was just a tree branch, bending in the wind. (Crying, they hug.) (In La, Sydney and Vaughn are sitting on a bench in a park, each with ice cream in a cub.) VAUGHN: Can I have a bite? (She gives him a spoonful.) VAUGHN: Dixon's going to be okay. He admitted what he did, he turned himself in. That matters to personnel. (He takes a spoonful of his ice cream.) SYDNEY: Vaughn, I knew what he did. I knew that he changed his results and I didn't say anything to Barnett. Or you. You know this, but my parents were absent when I was growing up. I never had anyone to disappoint. That's different now. I'm sorry. (Pause. He looks at her. And then offers her a spoonful of his ice cream. She takes it. They smile at each other and Vaughn gets up, offering his hand. She takes that too, and together they walk down the path with their arms around each other.)

A Rambaldi manuscript prophesizes that an apocalyptic event involving a heart will soon take place. An agent is sent after one man in Panama in order to steal his heart. Dixon's grief leads Vaughn and agency psychologist Dr. Barnett to question his intentions, as his thirst for revenge on Sloane intensifies. Meanwhile Sloane receives a life-changing revelation from a mysterious monk in Nepal, Sydney and Dixon hunt for the killer who stole the heart from his victim.

fd_Angel_01x16

fd_Angel_01x16_0

Cordelia is sitting in front of her computer at Angel Investigations checking out a new computer program. Cordy: "Demons, Demons, Demons. Wow! They put a lot of thought into *that* title." Wesley: "It's a demon database. What would you call it?" Cordy: "I don't know. How about - Demon Database?" Wesley: "Ahh! A name rife with single entendre." Cordy: "Why isn't Wolfram&Hart in here?" Wesley: "Because they are lawyers, not demons?" Cordy: "Fine line, if you ask me. Yeesh. They have a lot of entries! Did you know that there is a dozen species indigenous to LA County alone?" Wesley: "Do they have the Vigories of Oden Tal?" Cordy: "Nope." Wesley: "Hmm. (Picks up a book) So - there is still a place in this world for traditional research." Cordy: "There are some ugly critters in here. Someone ought to create an intra-demon dating base. You know, like archfiend.org, where the lonely and the slimy connect. (Wesley looks at her) I was just joking Mr. Grouchy Pants. When was the last time you had a dating base?" Wesley: "For your information - I lead a rich and varied social life." Cordy: "Oh, I know. Every night it's Jeopardy, followed by Wheel of Fortune and a cup of hot cocoa. Look out girls, this one can't be tamed!" Wesley: "I'll admit it may not be as intoxicating as a life erected on high fashion pumps and a push-up bra." Cordy gets up: "Hey, if anyone is wearing a push-up bra around here it's (Sees Angel coming in) - Angel." Angel: "Did you two need to see a counselor?" Cordy with a smile: "No, I'm way too single entendre - to benefit from therapy!" Wesley: "I don't know why you take everything so personally." Cordy: "Me? Oh this is rich coming from Mr. 'Don't talk to me until I've had my *flagon* of oat-bran' in the morning." Door opens a guy with a beat-up face in a suit walks in. Angel: "Children, we have company." Darin: "Is one of you Angel?" Angel: "I'm Angel." Darin: "I'm Darin Macnamara, I uh, - checked around. You have a reputation for handling unusual problems." Wesley: "A richly deserved reputation." Darin sways and Angel and Wesley run up and catch him before he collapses. Angel: "Hey, are you all right?" They help Darin over to the couch. Darin: "Yeah, I think I'm going to pass out. I'm-I'm sorry it's just that - my brother - Jack. He-he was kidnapped last night. (He offers Angel a small white jewelry box) I found this in my mailbox today." Angel opens the box to reveal a severed finger. Angel: "Do you know the people who did this?" Darin: "Well, that's why I came to you. - They weren't people." Intro Angel is looking at some photographs of a blond guy. Darin: "That's my brother Jack. - My brother and I haven't been exactly - close - since we grew up. I made something of my life and Jack - didn't. (Cordy hand him a drink) Thanks. I don't know what they want. There was no calls, no note, just..." Angel: "But you were there when he was taken." Darin: "Jack called me last night, asked me to come over. - He's got a gambling problem. He said he was in over his head with one of his bookies." Cordy: "Do you know which one?" Darin: "Ernie Nellins. He works at a Sports Bar in Silverlake called Shots. I paid this Nellins before. I told Jack this time to go to hell. I wanted him to suffer the consequences of his actions. - I didn't know something like this was gonna happen." Wesley: "You couldn't. It's not your fault." Darin: "I felt guilty. So I went over there and there were these - I don't know - creatures. They were dragging him away. I-I tried to stop them, but..." Angel: "And you haven't heard from anyone?" Darin: "No. I'll pay anything to get him back. He's family. He's my little brother." Angel: "Look, my colleagues will - start looking into whoever or whatever kidnapped your brother and uhm, (Hands him a pad and paper) in the meantime write down everything you saw." Darin: "Okay. Thank you! What about the bookie?" Angel: "I thought we could have a little chat." Cut to a bunch of guys playing poker. A guy is setting down drinks in Styrofoam containers. Bookie: "This is wheat-grass. I ordered the kiwi cooler." Guy: "Give me that." Bookie: "How do you drink this swill! (Lays down two cards) Give me two." Angel walks in: "Mind if I play, Ernie?" Bookie: "Game's invitation only, pal." Angel: "Then invite me. It's been a while since I've played so I might be a little rusty on the rules (Pulls out the photographs of Jack and drops them on the table) but I think my Jacks - beat your pair. (Bookie pulls out a gun and Angel grabs his hand and casually gets the gun away form him) No, I'm not looking for a fight - just for him." Bookie gets up and walks out. Angel picks up the pictures and follows him. Cut to the alley outside. Angel: "You should try that wheat-grass. It's good for the digestion." Bookie: "Who the hell are you?" Angel: "Friend of Jack's." Bookie: "Jack doesn't have any friends - just people he doesn't owe." Angel: "His brother will make good on all his debts." Bookie: "Ooh, out of my hands hot-shot. It's not about the money anymore. It's about making Jack an example." Angel: "Piece by piece?" Bookie: "Makes an impression on the newcomers." Angel: "Where is he, Ernie?" Bookie: "He didn't tell me. I didn't ask." Angel: "Which doesn't mean you don't know." Bookie: "Yep." He puts a cigarette in his mouth. Angel seems to be lighting a match for him but when the guy bends down he sees the Angel is actually holding up a folded hundred-dollar bill shielded by his hand instead of a match. The bookie glances up at Angel, then both ways down the deserted alley. He touches his cigarette to the bill and palms it with his other hand. Bookie: "There is a place - in Beechwood Canyon. - Well, not exactly in Beechwood Canyon - under it actually." Cordy at her computer: "Okay, I'm in. What did Darin write down about the demon that took his brother?" Wesley reads: "Bald - ultra white skin - slime." Cordy: "There is always slime. This is why I don't gamble. You make a small wager one day, a bigger one the next, and before you know it - Beetlejuicy albino comes a knocking! Claws or hands?" Wesley: "He wrote claw-like hands." Cordy: "Could be a mixed breed. Smell?" Wesley: "Sulfuric." Cordy: "Add a Porsche and hair-plugs and I've dated this guy - a lot. Other distinguishing characteristics?" Wesley: "An eerie high-pitched howl or wail. I'm assuming that's when it's preparing to fight or mate." Cordy: "Okay, first I say 'yuck' and then I hit search." Wesley: "You know, by the time you get done entering all this in your fancy-shmancy database (picks up a book) I could have located it just..." Cordy: "Got it." Wesley looks at the screen: "A Howler demon." Cut to Angel climbing down a ladder into a sewer. He shines his flashlight on some bloody human parts floating in some opaque goo in a square hole in the floor. Two Howler demons attack him, shrieking as they go. After a bit of a fight, Angel knows one of them out with his flashlight, then presses the other one up against the wall. Angel: "Where is Jack Macnamara?" Howler: "Not here." Angel: "Where is he?!" Howler: "We sold him." Angel: "Okay. Who did we sell him to?" A sports convertible pulls up in a rundown neighborhood. Angel sees couples in fancy dress lined up to have their tickets checked to get into one of the buildings. Bouncer: "Next please? Tickets? Name?" Angel sees a barred basement window. He tests the strength of the bars with his hands looks around, then breaks in. Cut to the inside of the club. A good-looking, dark-haired lady picks up her drink from the bar and pushes her ticket laying next to it over the edge. Angel catches it. Lady: "You're quick." Angel looks at the ticket. It says Amount $5000 to win Cribb XXI 255459. Lady pulls it out of his hand with a smile: "Thank you." Angel: "No problem." Angel walks into another room. People stand cheering around a pit in which two demons are fighting against each other. One demon manages to know the other down so it doesn't get back up. Crowd chanting: "Killing blow. Killing blow." One of the men standing beside some doors in the pit throws the demon still standing a knife. He catches it and cuts the downed demon's throat to cheers and applause. Announcer into microphone hanging in the middle of the pit: "Winner, Ladies and Gentlemen, Tom Cribb, official time 6 minutes 22 seconds. (Fight pays out 2 5 ?) If you are keeping track that was Cribb's seventh career kill. Our next contest features one of the more popular fighter's we've had the pleasure of presenting, a rare find. Hailing from the barren wastelands of (Treshok ?) (Doors in the pit open and a new demon walks in) A true champion that has it all: skill, speed and strength! Let's give it up for the menace of (Venice?) the titan of terror, the (?) of agony, the one, the only - Val Trepkos!" Angel sees a blond guy being lead through the crowd by some guys and matches him up to the pictures of Jack. He follows them down a corridor. Jack: "You made it. (A blinding light comes on and Angel flinches and puts up a hand to shield his eyes) Most don't." Darin: "Careful with this one, Jack. You should have seen what he did to the Howlers. Ouch!" Angel: "You set me up." Darin: "It was a group effort. Jack: "Open up. Let's get a look at those teeth. Teeth tell a lot about the bones." Jack tries to grab Angel's face. Angel takes a hold of his wrist and throws him into another guy behind him. Some more guys stick Angel with a bunch of heavy-duty cattle prods until he falls down unconscious. Darin: "I told you to be careful, Jack." Jack picking himself back up: "So, this one's got some attitude. That's good. He'll be a crowd pleaser." Camera pans down a brick building and sinks down through the street to show some demons in metal cages. There is a thick red line marking off an area of the free space in front of the cages. Angel wakes up and notices that there is a thick silver bracelet around his left wrist bearing a XXI. Angel to the demon sharing his cage: "I asked for a room with a view. (The demon just looks at him) I'm guessing English is not your native tongue. Hablo Espanol? (Tries again in Russian, then Italian with no success) Yeah, we'll have so much to talk about during those long winter nights." Jack walks in: "Listen up, slaves. There is only one rule here (Hits a button and the cell doors slide open) and it's real simple, so you demons can remember it. (Angel walks towards Jack) Tsk, tsk. (Points down at the thick red line) Stay inside the red. That wristband will make sure you do. I know what you're thinking. You want to tear my throat out. - But you won't. Because there is only one way out of here: When that band comes off. And the only way that band comes off, is after your 21st kill." Angel: "I'm not killing anyone." Jack: "Then you'll be killed. Either way, fan's will get their money's worth." Wesley to phone: "Well, please let us know if you hear from him. Thank you." Cordy playing nervously with her necklace: "Cop-lady hasn't talked to him?" Wesley: "No, and she seemed like she didn't much *care* either." Cordy: "We should put out a missing persons." Wesley gets up: "He's only been gone one night." Cordy: "One *long* night, during which he was supposed to check in with us and didn't. And - he's not someone who tans well." Wesley: "He's probably just holed up in a tunnel somewhere, waiting for nightfall." Cordy: "Maybe. - Still something is *very* wrong. Our client, who should be waiting by the phone, is nowhere to be found!" Wesley puts on his jacket: "Right. Keep trying to track him down." Cordy: "What are you going to do?" Wesley: "Follow in Angel's footsteps." Cordy: "You're going to the bookie?" Wesley: "That's the last place we know Angel went." Cordy: "The bookie who may get his jollies cutting off people's extremities?" Wesley opens a drawer: "That's why I'm taking this. (He pulls out a tangle of weapons, scattering them across the floor) Along with a few other things." Cut to the demon barracks. A guard is dishing out a brown slop and sliding the bowls and a piece of bread on trays across the red line on the floor. The demons are sitting around the table eating. Angel sits down. He doesn't have a bowl. Angel: "Looks like good gruel." Lizard demon: "Who the hell are you?" Angel: "I'm Angel." Lizard: "What you are, is a soon to be dead slave. - Shut up!" The demon across from the Lizard is about to take a bite out of his piece of bread when the Lizards tongue shoots out and snags it. Malish: "Cribb, that's mine." Cribb takes the other demon's bowl of gruel: "And now it's mine." Angel without looking at Cribb: "Give it back to him." Cribb: "You open your mouth again, I'll close it for good." Cribb lifts the bowl to his mouth. Angel: "I wouldn't do that if I were you." Cribb puts the bowl down and gets up to lean across the table: "Angel, guess how many vampires I've killed." Angel looks up at Cribb. A couple guards come closer, charging up their cattle prods. Angel reaches over and slides the bowl back in front of Malish. Cribb to Angel: "Catch you later." Later the demon with the bowl walks up to Angel. Malish: "Why did you do that?" Angel: "You're welcome." Malish: "I can fight my own battles. I got two wins already." Angel: "So all you need is what? Another 19 and you're out of here?" Malish: "Yeah, that's right. You think I can't cut it? You want a piece of me?" Angel: "No. Not really." Malish: "What's wrong with you? Don't be rocking the boat. This is life and death in here." Jack: "Alright, girls, listen up. Here is tonight's card. Vlasovik, you're fighting Baker." Darin: "Trepkos, you're the main event. It'll go against Malish." Malish drops his bowl. Cribb: "That's not a match-up, that's an execution." Jack: "Shut your trap, slave. No one's talking to you." Darin whispers to Jack: "After he kills Malish we'll put him up against Kafka for Saturday's fight." Malish to Trepkos: "I'm walking out of there tonight. (Trepkos gets up and looks at him) You better know that." Suddenly one of the demons launches himself across the room. Angel charges to intercept him crying "No! Don't!" But the demon flies across the red line and disintegrates. Jack looks down as the bracelet falls to the ground. Jack: "Damn it! We paid good money for that one." Darin picks up the bracelet: "It's alright. It's an object lesson for the others. We'll have to find a replacement for his bout." Jack looking at Angel: "How about Captain America here?" Cut to Ernie the bookie beating up a guy being held by to others. He dips his fist into a bowl of ice held by a third guy. Bookie: "Ice. Helps keep the swelling down. You got a hard head there, boy." Wesley as Ernie gets ready to punch the guy again: "Stop that." Ernie turns around with a laugh: "Who's this?" Wesley: "I'm Wesley Wyndham-Pryce. And I'm looking for my employer. He came here to question you about Jack Macnamara." Ernie: "Maybe you didn't notice. I'm kind of busy here." Wesley: "Where is he?" Ernie: "Your boss - gave me 200 Dollars to answer his questions. I'm a businessman. Make an offer." Wesley: "You should understand, the man I work for means a great deal to me. And I will not give you a single red cent. What I will do, Sir, is beat it out of you if I have to." The guys in the room break out into laughter. Ernie: "You're from another country, right? (Wesley pulls a crossbow from behind his back) What are you, Robin Hood?" Ernie pulls out a gun, put Wesley shoots the gun out of his hand, the metal dart pinning Ernie's hand to the wall. The gun slides across the floor and Wesley picks it up and aims it at the rest of the men as they are going for their guns. Wesley: "Please drop those." The guys drop their guns, and Wesley puts down the crossbow, keeping the gun trained on the three goons. Wesley to the guy that was getting beat up: "You can go now." They man runs out and Wesley, keeping the three goons covered, goes and starts to twiddle the dart stuck in Ernie's hand. Ernie moans in pain. Wesley: "And where is my employer?" Cut to the announcer in the pit: "Ladies and Gentlemen the Macnamara brothers welcome you to another night of high stakes, high voltage entertainment." The dark-haired Lady from the bar is talking to Darin. Lady: "I heard something interesting." Darin: "What's that?" Lady: "I heard the vampire has a soul." Darin: "Well, I wouldn't know about that." Lady: "When he's fighting, do you think that would be a plus - or a minus?" Darin playing with one of the bracelets: "Probably depends on what he's fighting for." Lady: "Does that mean you'll give me odds on him to win?" Darin: "It means I'll give you even money." Lady: "I'll take that bet." Darin laughs and walks away. [SCENE_BREAK] Cut to Angel leaning against a wall, brooding, as the other demons warm up. Malish to Angel: "You shouldn't go out there cold. Look, you did me one. Baker's fast, but his left eye got messed up two fights ago. Stay on his left. Tie him up, you can drive his head right into the wall. You can get the kill." Angel: "I'm not going to kill anyone." Malish: "You on drugs? It's not like you have a choice." Jack walks in: "Alright, girls, show time!" Cut to Angel walking into the ring. Announcer: "Baker's challenger makes his ring debut tonight. He's a highly skilled fighter with a taste for blood. Let's welcome - Angel!" The bell rings and Baker spin-kicks Angel. Angel is thrown against the wall. He bounces back and just blocks or ducks Baker's kicks and punches without any attempt at fighting back. Cribb watching from the demon barracks: "That vampire is not even fighting!" Cut to Cordy in a fake fur coat and Wesley in a white suit walking up outside of the club. Cordy sees a couple getting out of a car: "Those two are perfect." Wesley: "Did you bring the badge?" Cordy: "No." Wesley: "You said you had..." Cordy to the couple: "Sir, madam, I'm detective Andrews and this is detective Yelsew. - Show them your badge. (Wesley takes a wallet out of his inside pocket and waves it through the air without letting them get a look at it) and write down their license plate number four three niner, Peter, Charley, Edward." Man: "What are you doing? Why are you writing down..." Cordy: "Sir, if you could just calm down and give us your name?" Man: "My name is Mathew Winslow, as in Winslow Multimedia? And I happen to be a personal friend of your boss - Chief Tyler?" Cordy: "We'll give him your best. Could I see your tickets please?" Winslow hands her his tickets: "You'll be hearing from my lawyer tonight." Cordy: "Are you aware that you've purchased tickets to an unlicensed sporting event?" Wesley: "Answer the detective." Winslow: "Well, if it's illegal, what are all these people doing here?" Cordy: "We're trying to do you a favor, Mr. Winslow." Wesley: "Something is going down tonight. Something with the man." Cordy kicks him. Winslow: "A raid?" Cordy: "We're not at liberty to say." Winslow: "But we could just - go on home?" Cordy: "I think that would be a wise thing to do, Sir." Winslow mouths 'thank you' and he and his lady get back into the car. Cordy elbows Wesley as they walk off. Wesley: "What?" Cordy: "You almost blew it!" Wesley: "I save it!" Cordy: "Urgh! Something is going down with the man? You idiot!" Cut to Angel being pummeled by Baker. Cribb watching: "Idiot! He thinks he can get out of this by pulling a Ghandi!" The crowd is jeering and yelling for Angel to fight back, but he only block or ducks the punches. Cordy and Wesley walk in. Cordy spots Darin, who is still playing with the bracelet. Cordy: "I think we found our missing client." They make their way closer to the pit. Cordy: "Oh my God! What is this?" Wesley: "These Octavian matches date back to the Roman Empire. I'd heard rumors of a revival." Cordy: "Couldn't they have just done Westside Story? What's with the bracelets?" Wesley: "If they cross the red line while wearing one - they disintegrate." Cordy: "Oh." Darin puts the bracelet down on top of the barrier and motions to the guard standing next to him. The Guard pulls out a short knife and drops it in the pit. Baker picks it up and slices Angel across the left upper arm with it. Angel morphs into vamp face. The Crowd starts to chant: "Killing blow. Killing blow." Angel fends off a couple more swipes by Baker then grabs a hold of his knife hand and twists it into Baker's own chest. Crowd chants: "Angel! Angel!" Baker drops and Angel looks down at the blood on his hand. Announcer: "Official time: 7 minutes 33 seconds. This marks the first of what promises to be many more killed by the vampire! Angel!" Wesley and Cordy look on as Angel turns and walks out through the doors. Cut to Malish looking up as Angel (back in human face) walks back into the barracks. Jack: "Trepkos and Malish, show time!" Angel to Trepkos as they pass each other: "Wait. No one fights, no one dies." Cribb: "Oh, quit moping! You're alive." Angel: "But Baker isn't." Cribb: "One lucky kill don't make you an expert." Angel looks over at Cribb: "That wasn't the first life I've taken - or the 21st." Jack snaps his fingers: "Trepkos, Malish. Lets go!" Angel to Trepkos: "Look, we can fight them, but only if we stop fighting each other." Jack: "Now!" Angel: "I'm giving you another way out." Trepkos: "I'll kill him quick." A guard hustles Malish up the ramp to the pit. Jack smiles at Angel. Announcer: "And now Ladies and Gentlemen, let's give it up for one of our favorite fighters: Val Trepkos!" Trepkos just stands there as Malish hits him in the head, then grabs Malish's arm, twists it, grabs his neck with his other hand and breaks it. Cut to Cordy and Wesley walking outside of the club. Cordy: "We've got to call the police." Wesley: "Ah, I don't think that's a good idea." Cordy: "Why?" Wesley: "If by some miracle they're not already in on this, the Macnamara would destroy the evidence the moment they showed." Cordy: "He'd kill the fighters. We've got to get Angel out of there!" Wesley: "I know. And to do that we have to get him out of those wrist-cuffs. No mean feat. They were forged by ancient sorcerers." Cordy: "So get an ancient key!" Wesley: "I might be able to make one myself - if I could get my hands on one of those cuffs. Which isn't going to be easy (Cordy pulls a cuff out of her pocket and holds it up) unless you happened to procure one while I wasn't looking. (They smile at each other) Well done!" Cordy: "Thank you." Cut to dinner in the barracks. Jack: "Well, that was the most exciting match I've ever seen. My favorite part was when you stuck Baker with the knife. (Angel gets up and walks right up to the red line. Jack is just across from it) Kind of put a damper on the brotherhood spiel. What did you expect? You're a demon, just like the rest of them. Difference is they know their place." Angel: "Someone needs to put you in yours. You - and your brother." Jack laughs: "Someone may - some day. But not you - and not today." Angel: "Why put off until tomorrow what you can do today?" Angel's left hand shoots out and grabs Jack by the throat. Energy is crackling all along Angel's left arm, but he doesn't disintegrate since the bracelet is only over but not on the other side of the red line. He pulls Jack across and holds him in front of him as a shield, one arm wrapped around his throat. Angel to the guard: "Any closer and you're working for a dead man. (To Jack) I'll give you enough air to tell me how to get this off. How does it open? Is there some kind of a key? Where is the key, Jack? (To the demons) Check his pockets. Cribb, Trepkos, any of you. A little help would be nice. (None of them move) Or I can just do it myself." Jack: "What did I tell you , huh? Now you're really alone." Angel: "I got you. (To the guards) Get his brother! (To the demons) Look at him, huh? Is this who you are all so afraid of going up against? How does it feel, Jack? Tell them how it feels to be in here. Come on! How does it feel to be a slave? Tell them!" Darin flanked by two guys with charged cattle prods: "Let him go." Angel: "As soon as you let us go." Darin: "Who do you think you are? Moses?" Angel: "Someone you'll listen to if you want your brother back alive." Darin: "Last chance." Angel: "Come on Darin! We both know there is only one way to let this play out. So let's just get it done. He's your brother." Darin pulls a gun and shoots Jack three times. One of the bullets hits Angel in the right shoulder and he let's go of Jack. Darin: "Now he's my dead brother." The two guards run up to Angel and stick him with the cattle prods until he is once again knocked out. Cut to Angel waking up in a leather chair in a nice office with the dark-haired lady from the bar watching him. Lady: "How do you feel?" Angel: "Like I was hit by lightning after the truck ran me over. - I remember you." Lady brings him a glass of champagne: "We didn't get a chance to meet. I'm Lilah Morgan." Angel: "You're a fight fan. (Looks at her bookshelves) And a lawyer. Let me guess - Wolfram and Hart." Lilah: "I'm an associate here. It took some arm-twisting, but I convinced the Macnamara to sell your contract to the partners. - I told them that keeping you around would be more trouble than it was worth. (Lifts her glass) Congratulations. You're free." Angel: "As long as I pretend it never happened - that Macnamara and his circus don't exist. - That is the deal, isn't it?" Lilah: "It's a big city, Angel. A lot of people need your help." Angel: "So you're really a good Samaritan and this whole pact-with-the-devil business is just an act." Lilah: "Sometimes you have to - compromise." Angel: "Look the other way you mean - when Wolfram and Hart are involved?" Lilah: "I prefer to think of it - as picking the battles you can win. There is not one reason why we can't work together." Angel gets up with a big sigh. Angel: "You're right. (He takes a sip from his glass of champagne as Lilah smiles at him) There are about a thousand." Lilah leans in close to him: "I saw what you did to Baker - so I know you want to survive. This is your only chance. Take it." Angel: "Thanks for the champagne." The two guards stick their charged cattle prods into his face. Angel: "Relax. Take me back." Cut to Wesley working on the bracelet. Cordy: "You'd think people get enough gratuitous violence watching Jerry Springer." Wesley: "Cordelia, do you mind? - I'm trying to concentrate." Cordy: "You've been concentrating all night." Wesley: "Yes! It's taken this long to translate the text. I need something that conducts electricity, but not too much of it. This cuff is half magic, half - medieval technology. If I read the alchemist correctly - all I need is.." He touches a wire to the cuff. There is an explosion of sparks and Wesley is thrown backwards onto the floor. Cordy runs over to him. Cordy: "Ouch! Are you okay?" Wesley sitting back up: "Perhaps - something that conducts a little less electricity." Cut to Angel walking back into the demon barracks. Trepkos to Cribb: "He was free." Cribb: "Bloodsucker is crazier than I thought." Darin to Angel: "You think you're proving something special by coming back here? (Angel crosses the red line and holds out his left wrist. Darin locks a bracelet around it) They didn't help you before, they're not going to help you now. Every one of them knows the only way out of here is by himself. But you find that out soon enough yourself because tonight - you're going to fight Trepkos. Smart money says he's walking out the front door. You're his 21st kill." Darin walks out and Angel and Trepkos look at each other. Cut to the bracelet in the vise on Angel's table. A hand holding a pair of pliers slowly touches the stick held with them down on the bracelet. Nothing happens. Wesley's head peeks up above the edge of the table. Wesley: "Too thick." Cordy's head peeks out from behind a pillar. Cordy: "Oh. Tick-tick, Wesley!" Wesley: "I don't know what else to try. We need something supple enough to thread the locking mechanism, but strong enough to spring the release." Cordy: "Horsehair." Wesley: "Horsehair?" Cordy fiddles with her bracelet: "From Keanu, my palomino, before the IRS took him away." Wesley takes a strand of hair and puts it between the pliers: "Horsehair." Cordy: "Well, we tried just about everything else." Wesley ducks back down below the table and Cordy runs back behind her pillar. Wesley touches the horsehair to the XXI on the cuff. There is a short zap and it springs open. Cut to the arena. The sign says 'Grador vs Siru' and 'Angel vs Trepkos'. Man at betting counter: "Next please." Lilah: "10 000 on Trepkos." Cut to the pit. Announcer: "Tonight's match features a new favorite in the ring - a vampire. Ladies and Gentlemen please welcome for the second night in a row, and still fresh from his first kill - Angel!" Doors open and Angel walks into the ring. Announcer: "His opponent is a fan favorite who needs no introduction (Angel looks up at Lilah in the stands) This marks his 21st and final fight. Let's give a special welcome to a true champion: Val Trepkos!" Trepkos enters the ring and he and Angel confront each other. Angel: "Is this how you want to pay for your freedom? With 21 bodies? You'll always be their slave - even if they take that off your wrist." Trepkos: "I'll kill you quick." Angel: "I won't let you." Trepkos steps back and they begin to fight. Angel is again just fighting defensively. Cribb watching from the barracks: "Vampire is going to get his head ripped off - maybe his heart torn out. - What a loser." Angel, bleeding from the corner of his mouth, falls facedown to the floor, but gets back up. Cut to Cordy walking down a dirty hallway and up to a guard. Cordy: "Can you help me? I'm a little lost. (She draws the guard away from the corridor opening he was standing in front off) I'm looking for the Ladies room. (Wesley dart out around the corner and past the guard) They said it was this way - or is - is that back up one level?" Cut to Trepkos beating up on Angel. Cut to Cribb walking away from the window to the pit. Wesley walks up to a barred window in the fencing around the prisoner's area. Wesley to Cribb: "Excuse me. Psst. Come here. Yes, you. (Cribb walks a little closer) I need to see Angel. Tall fellow - prominent brow." Cribb: "Yeah, he's dead." Wesley: "Dead." Cribb: "In about 20 seconds he will be. He's fighting Trepkos. And who the hell are you?" Wesley: "Uh, I'm a friend. Perhaps we can help each other. I have a key." Cribb: "A key?" Wesley holds up a stick with a piece of horsehair mounted to the end. Wesley: "This unlocks the cuffs. Help me save Angel and I'll get you out. All of you. If we band together.." Cribb's tongue shoots out and rips the stick out of Wesley's hand. Wesley: "What are you - give that back! - Hey!" Cut to Angel and Trepkos fighting. Darin to a guard: "Alright. Let's make it more interesting." The guard drops two pointed wooden staffs into the pit. Trepkos catches one out of the air, the other drops to the ground. As he charges Angel with it Angel vaults out of the way, picking up the other stick as he rolls back to his feet and the fight continues. (Nice moves here.) The crowd is getting excited and we see Wesley walk into the area above the pit, looking for Cordy. Cordy: "Wesley, what happened?" Wesley: "One of them took my key." Cordy: "Angel can't last much longer. We have to do something now." Wesley spots Darin: "We will." Angel has lost his staff and Trepkos has him in a bind. Angel manages to throw Trepkos against the wall, but Trepkos bounces back, stabbing Angel through the gut with his staff. Angel hits the staff breaking it in two (one half still stuck through his side) catches Trepkos wrist as he tries to hit Angel with the remaining piece and kicks his feet out from under Trepkos. Trepkos lands hard on his back. Angel pulls out the piece stuck in his side and presses the pointy end against Trepkos' throat. Cut to Cribb unlocking his cuff. He hears the crowd chanting Angel's name and goes to look. Sees Angel getting off Trepkos, throw the stick away and walks off as the crowd boos. Trepkos gets back up and kicks Angel in the back. The crowd chants "Killing blow. Killing blow." As Trepkos beats up on Angel, who's not even trying to block any of the blows any more. Wesley pulls Cordy over towards Darin. Trepkos pulls back his fist to hit Angel again (who's in pretty bad shape by now) and they stare at each other. The crowd keeps chanting "Killing blow. Killing blow." Trepkos lowers his fist and stares up into the stands. The crowd falls quiet. Trepkos looks back at Angel then turns away and Angel collapses to the ground. Trepkos scans the crowd. Darin to the guard in the pit: "Both of them." The guards raise their cattle prods. Wesley holding a gun on Darin: "Call them off." Some of the spectators start to leave as Wesley cocks his gun. Darin: "Screw you." The doors to the pit burst open and Cribb and the other demons storm the arena. Darin grabs Wesley's gun hand as he is distracted and the tow of them start to struggle. The demons are beating up the guards as the crowd runs for the exits. Cribb bends over Angel with the key: "Give me your wrist. (Unlocks the cuff) Loser." Lilah is one of the last to leave. The demons have killed all the guards and most of them run back out through the doors in the pit. Darin manages to get the gun away from Wesley and push him down. As he aims to shoot him Cordy pushes him over the railing into the pit with a metal stand. Cribb is supporting Angel. Darin points the gun at Trepkos. Darin: "You stupid slave. You had your 21! But you had to go and ruin it for everybody else." Trepkos pivots so Darin's back is to Angel and Cribb. Angel pulls Darin's hand down as he shoots, and Cribb locks a cuff around Darin's left wrist. Cribb throws Darin at Trepkos: "Trepkos, - catch." Trepkos throws Darin up into the stands and he disintegrates as he passes the red line around the pit. The bracelet lands on the floor between Cordy and Wesley, who are the only one's left up there. Cribb unlocks Trepkos cuff. Angel's knees give as he tries to walk out and Trepkos catches him. Trepkos: "Easy." Angel: "Thanks. Thanks." Trepkos: "It was a good fight." Angel: "Yeah." The three of them walk out. Angel sways, and Trepkos catches him again before he falls. Angel: "I could have taken you." Cut to Wesley and Cordy supporting Angel between them as they walk out of the club. Cordy: "Angel you don't look so - well, it's a good thing that you heal fast." Angel: "Yeah. It's also a good thing you found me in time." Cordy: "We weren't going to let anything happen to you." Wesley: "No." Cordy: "Well, I mean, beyond the slavery and the severe beatings and stuff. Wesley came up with the key!" Wesley: "But Cordelia came up with the key to the key! In a clinch moment." Angel: "You both did great. And - I think we did a - good thing here tonight." Wesley looking after the departing demons: "Yes. We set the captives free." Cordy: "Well, actually, didn't we set - a bunch of - demons free?" Wesley: "Oh. Well. Technically - yes."

When an investigation goes wrong, Angel finds himself kidnapped by a demon fight club. He's trapped there, forced to fight other demons as part of a gladiator show. Cordy and Wes search for him, desperate to rescue Angel before it's too late. Meanwhile, Angel meets another Wolfram and Hart lawyer, Lilah Morgan. She promises to get Angel out of the club if he agrees to come over to Wolfram and Hart's side.

fd_The_Vampire_Diaries_03x02

fd_The_Vampire_Diaries_03x02_0

[Salvatore's House] (Damon is taking off all the things from his closet. Elena arrives) Damon: Just can't stay away, can you? Elena: You've been dodgin calls Damon: Yeah, well, busy dating a dead fake girlfriend and all Elena: Why didn't you tell me? Damon: Happy Birthday, Elena. Stefan killed Andie Elena: He called me, Damon Damon: What? Elena: Stefan called me last night Damon: Well, what'd he say? Elena: He didn't say anything, but it was him. I asked sheriff Forbes if she would trace the call's origin. It came from Tennessee Damon: Where he's binge drinking on the country folk. We went through this, Elena. Stefan's gone. I don't mean geographically Elena: If he was gone, he wouldn't have called (He burns everything) [Alaric's appartment] (Alaric is on his bed. Someone knocks on the door) Alaric: Go away, Damon! (Someone knocks again. He gets up and opens the door. It's Elena) Elena: Hi Alaric: You're, uh... Not who I expected Elena: I need you to tell me what you know about Stefan and Tennessee Alaric: Did you miss the par where I checked out of all this? Elena: Come on, Ric. Whatever Damon knows, you know Alaric: Ask Damon Elena: Yeah, but Damon's not exactly in the mood to help right now Alaric: For good reason. Because it's not safe for you. Stefan's off the rails Elena: Yeah, but he's still holding on to his humanity, which means he can still be saved Alaric: And why do you have to be the one to save him? Elena: Because I'm not the kind of person who checks out. Look, he would never give up on me. I'm not gonna give up on him. Tell me what you know, Ric. Please Alaric: They've been tracking werewolves, he and Klaus. All over the eastern seaboard. We thought we had 'em just outside of Memphis... [Smoky Mountains, Tennessee] (Klaus and Stefan are walking in the mountains. Stefan is holding Ray, uncouscious, on his shoulders) Klaus: You ok? Is Ray getting heavy? Stefan: I'm fine Klaus: You sure about that? You know, we've been walking for quite some time now. If you need some water or a little sit-down... Stefan: You know, I get that we're, uh... we're stuck together, but if we could maybe just skip the chitchat, it'd be great Klaus: So much brooding. Your self-loathing is suffocating you, my friend Stefan: Maybe it's 'cause I'm a little tired of hunting werewolves. We've been at it all summer Klaus: Thanks to our pal Ray, we found ourselves a pack. There (They stop. They found the pack. Stefan enters their camp. Everyone looks at him. He puts Ray on the ground. A woman rushes over him) Woman: Ray! Oh, my God. What's going on? Who are you? (Klaus rejoins Stefan) Klaus: The important question is who am I. Please forgive the intrusion. My name is Klaus Woman: You're the hybrid (Klaus smiles) Klaus: You've heard of me. Fantastic [Lockwood's Mansion] (Carol pours herself a glass of scotch and then puts some vervain in the coffee.Tyler arrives) Tyler: Hey, mom (He kisses her on the cheek) Carol: Morning, sweetheart. Coffee's hot (He pours himself some coffee) Tyler: Rough night? Carol: Uh, rough week. I'm a little stressed. You? Tyler: Feeling pretty good Carol: You know, if you're going to bring a girl home, I wish she'd have the tact to not sneak out like a prostitute Tyler: I'm sorry. She snuck out? Carol: Hmm (He drinks a sip of coffee) Tyler: Whoa. I think the cream's bad (He puts the cup out) Tyler: Don't wait up tonight (He kisses her on the cheek) Tyler: Oh, and Caroline, she's not a prostitute (He leaves. Carol takes her phone and calls someone) Carol: Bill, it's, um, Carol Lockwood. I've gotten myself into a bit of a vampire situation [Mystic Grill] (Jeremy goes in the stockroom to rejoin Matt, who's working) Matt: Please tell me you're not turning into one of these losers that hangs out at work on his day off Jeremy: You remember what we talked about last night, how I've been seeing things? Matt: Honestly, jer, last night is kind of a blur Jeremy: Well, I saw her again.I saw Vicki Matt: Why are you... why are you telling me this? You're dating a witch. Why don't you tell her? Jeremy: Tell Bonnie that she brought me back to life and now I'm seeing my dead girlfriend? We don't need a witch, ok? There's examples all over the Internet. We need... (He takes papers from his bag) Jeremy: Personal items, and it works best when a family member tries to make contact Matt: No, no, no, no, no, no. We're... We're not contacting my sister Jeremy: She said, "help me" Matt: If you're messing with me, man... Jeremy: I saw her, Matt. She asked for help. You are the one she love the most. If anyone's gonna be able to help me to connect to her, it's you (Elena is talking with Tyler. Alaric looks at them) Tyler: A lot of us like to keep to ourselves for the full moon, chain ourselves up. But there are some werewolves that like to gather in places were they don't have to do that, where they can enjoy it Elena: What kind of places? Tyler: Mountains, state parks, deserts, that kind of stuff Elena: Anywhere in Tennessee? Tyler: Yeah. Here. Give me your phone. I'll try to pull up a map (She gives him her phone) Elena: Thanks for this. I know it's asking a lot Tyler: As Caroline likes to remind me, Stefan's in this mess because I bit Damon. I figure I owe you one. Have you talked to her today? Elena: No. Why? Tyler: Just curious. Here (He gives her her phone) Tyler: That's your best bet (Elena rejoins Alaric at the bar) Alaric: Did you get anything? Elena: ow do you feel about a little hike through the smoky mountains? Alaric: You wanna hunt down a pack of werewolves on a full moon? Elena: We'll be out of there before the moon is full. If you don't come with me, I'm going by myself. What? You're the one who told me that I could handle things on my own now Alaric: Yea, I meant like frozen dinners and SATs. A-all right fine. Let's just... Let's just go. But, uh, you're driving [Smoky Mountains, Tennessee] (Klaus and Stefan are sitting. Everyone is looking at him) Klaus: It's fascinating, actually... A werewolf who isn't beholden to the moon, a vampire who doesn't burn in the sun. A true hybrid (Ray wakes up) Klaus: Excellent timing, Ray. Very dramatic Ray: What's happening to me? Klaus: Stefan? (Stefan gets up) Stefan: Are any of you human? Your friend here needs human blood to complete hs transition to vampire. If he doesn't get it, he will die Klaus: Doesn't take much, just a sample. Anyone? A boyfriend, a girlfriend, along for the ride? (He looks at a man) Klaus: You (He rushes over him and bites is forearm. Stefan catches him, throws him on the ground in front off Ray. The woman protests but Klaus strangles her) Stefan: If you don't drink it, Ray, I will. Problem is I don't know how to stop (Klaus looks at the girl) Klaus: It's the new order, sweetheart. You join us, or you die Woman: I'd rather die than be a vampire Klaus: Wrong choice (He gives her his blood. Ray drinks the blood from the man.) Klaus: She'll thank me for that later. Heh (He kills her) Klaus: Ok, who's next? (His eyes are yellow and his fangs are out) [Mystic Grill] (Tyler is playing pool. Matt rejoins him with coffee) Matt: You moving in or something? You've been here forever Tyler: I thought I was meeting Caroline. You haven' seen her, have you? Matt: Not keeping up on her comings and goings anymore Tyler: Look, man, I never meant for me and her being friends to be a problem for you Matt: It is what it is. Tonight's a full moon. She usually helps you? Tyler: Yeah. Whatever Matt: Do you, uh... Is this like the kind of thing that you need another person for? Tyler: I can handle it. But thanks (He drinks some coffee) Tyler: Ahh. What is up with my taste buds today? Matt: Heh. It's the vervain. The sheriff has me slip it into the coffee here every now and then Tyler: That's what vervain tastes like? Matt: Yeah. I'm surprising you can taste it, The coffee usually hides the flavour. For humans, anyway [Lockwood's Mansion] (Someone rings the bell. She opens the door and a man enters) Carol: Thank you so much for coming. Does anyone else know you're here? Bill: No. I didn't drive through town. I came straight here Carol: Can I offer you a drink? Bill: I think you should tell me what you expect me to do Carol: I was hoping you could tell me. It's Caroline, Bill. I remember the day when she was born Bill: What does the rest of the council know? Carol: I haven't said a word. I've been putting this together on my own for months now. Any ideas how to handle this? I can't get my hands dirty here for a lot of reasons Bill: She's a vampire, Carol. We do what we have to do [Smoky Mountains, Tennessee] (Alaric and Elena are walking) Alaric: In a couple hours, the full moon's gonna rise just above that Ridge. If Tyler's right, that's where the pack'll be Elena: You were a boy scout, weren't you? A boy scout, slash vampire slayer Alaric: Slash whiskey-drinking all-around lost cause (They stop. He opens his bag. There's a lot of weapons) Elena: Wow. You came stocked Alaric: Well, we aren't exactly bird-watching. Here. Put that in your bag (He gives her a grenade) Elena: Vervain grenade? Alaric: Wolfsbane Elena: Well, since we're exchanging gifts... (She shows him John's magical ring) Alaric: That's John Gilbert' ring Elena: It was yours once. Go ahead. Take it. I'll protect you from whatever supernatural danger we're about to get ourselves into Alaric: He gave it to you Elena: Yeah, but I'm a doppelganger. It's not gonna work on me. He left it for I if ever have kids Alaric: Yeah, well, then why don't you save it for future generations of stubborn, relentless baby Gilberts? Elena: Ok, and how 'bout you borrow t until after we survive this? I'd feel bad if I got you killed before happy hour (She gets closer to the water) Elena: I don't know why you think that you're a lost cause (Damon arrives and throws her in the water) Elena: Damon! How are you even here? Damon: Thanks for the tip, brother (She looks at Alaric) Elena: You sold me out Alaric: Think I'd take you to a mountain range of werewolves on a full moon without backup? (Klaus gives his blood to the human and compels him) Klaus: There. Good as new. Now you relax, ok, mate? We're gonna need you when the rest of them wake up Ray: They're dead. They're all dead Klaus: Ah, he's through his transition. He should be feeling better soon Stefan: So is this your master plan? Build an army of hybrid slaves? Klaus: No, not slaves. Soldiers, comrades Stefan: For what war, might I ask? Klaus: Oh, you don't arm yourself after war has been declared, Stefan. You build your army so big that no one ever dares pick the fight Stefan: What makes you so sure that they'll be loyal? Klaus: Well, it's not difficult to be loyal when you're on the winning team. That's something you'll learn once you shake that horribly depressive chip off your shoulder (Stefan laughs) Stefan: That's why you're, uh... you're keeping me around? To witness my attitude adjustment? Klaus: You'll know why I'm keeping you around when I've decided that I want you to know (Ray's eyes are bleeding) Klaus: Something's wrong Stefan: That shouldn't be happening, should it? Klaus: Well, obviously (Elena is in the water.) Damon: Get out of the water, Elena Elena: If I get out of the water, you're gonna make me go home Damon: Yes, because I'm not an idiot like you Alaric: Right now, you're both acting like idiots Elena: You gave up on him Damon Damon: I didn't give up on him, Elena. I face reality. Now get out of the water Elena: No! Damon: What's your big plan, Elena? Huh? You gonna walk into a campsite full of werewolves, roast a marshmallow, and wait for Stefan to stop by? (He rejoins her in the water) Elena: My plan is to find him and help him. Damon, this is the closest that we've been to him since he left. I'm not going home Damon: Klaus thinks you died when he broke the curse. That makes you safe. This, this is not safe Elena: I'm not leaving before we find him Damon: It's a full moon tonight, Elena Elena: Then we'll find him before then. Damon, please Damon: Ok. Ok. But we are out of here before the moon is full and I'm werewolf bait Elena: I promise Damon: Unless you wanna relive that whole deathbed kissy thing Elena: I said i promise Damon: Fine (They get out of the water) (Ray is shaking and his eyes are still bleeding) Ray: You said it was gonna feel better. Why doesn't it feel better? Stefan: Some master race Klaus: Lose the attitude (The woman wakes up) Klaus: Derek, come feed your girlfriend (He gets up. Ray snarls and makes a few jumps and leaves. Klaus looks at Stefan) Klaus: Go get him (Stefan jumps on Ray and pushes him on the ground. Ray bites him and leaves. Stefan is about to go after him but he hears Damon and Elena's voice.) Damon: How you doing? Elena: Fine Damon: You know, I could help you Elena: No, thanks Damon: Just one little fwoosh Elena: Yeah, with my luck, you'd drop me Alaric: What are you guys, 12? (Stefan sees them walking. Klaus arrives and Stefan tries to take him appart so he doesn't sees them) Klaus: Where did he go? Stefan: He, uh... he got away. Forget him. Let's go (Klaus sees his arm) Klaus: A fatal werewolf bite. Ouch Stefan: Yeah. I'm gonna need your blood to heal me Klaus: Well, I tell you what. You find Ray, and then I'll heal you Stefan: Can't be serious Klaus: You better hurry, 'cause that bite looks nasty [SCENE_BREAK] [Lockwood's mansion] (Tyler rejoins his mother in his dad's office) Tyler: You put vervain in my coffee this morning. Why? Carol: Vervain? What are you talking about? Tyler: Let's skip the part where we pretend we don't know about the vampires in is town. You were testing me to see if I was a vampire. I want to know why Carol: You've been spending so much time with Caroline. I had to know for sure Tyler: What does Caroline have to do with it? Carol: Let's skip the part where we pretend she's not one of them Tyler: Did you do something to her? Carol: Tyler, I don't want you to be with her Tyler: Where is she, mom? Carol: I can't let you be together Tyler: What did you do to her? Where is she? Carol: You can't be with her. She's a monster Tyler: You don't know about me, do you? Carol: Know what? Know what, Tyler? [Smoky Mountains, Tennessee] (The sun is setting. Damon, Elena and Alaric are still walking) Alaric: We got about a mile left Damon: The sun's about to set Elena: I can see that, Damon Damon: I'm just saying Elena: The moon doesn't reach its apex for a while. We have time (They here some twigs snaping. Ray come out. Alaric puts his crossbaw toward him) Alaric: Stay where you are Ray: Vampire (He rushes over Damon and they fight. He pushes Damon against a tree. He tries to bite him. Alaric throws on arrow on him but Ray is still trayong to bite Damon. Elena takes the wolfsbane grenade from her bag) Elena: Damon! (She throws it to him, he makes it explode on Ray's face. He screams and his face burns. Damon kicks him in the stomach. Ray's uncouscious) Alaric: Let me guess. Hybrid [Matt's House] (Matt and Jeremy enter a room full of boxes) Matt: So this is all her stuff. We were supposed to donate it, but, uh, you know Jeremy: Well, everything I read said that personal items help build a stronger connection (They look into a box. Jeremy takes one of her shirts and Matt takes a pipre from it) Matt: Does her pipre count? (He takes a photo from when they were kids) Matt: I don't know why I let you talk me into this, man Jeremy: It's because she's your sister and you have a chance to help her (Matt puts the picture on a furniture) Matt: I can't do this. You gotta go Jeremy: Matt, please Matt: Nah, man. I can't do this, all right? You gotta go (Jeremy leaves. Matt hears a noise. He turns himself and sees that the picture has moved) [Smoky Mountains, Tennessee] (Damon and Alaric are tieing Ray to the tree) Damon: These ropes aren't gonna hold him much longer. What else do we have? (Elena is aperging a rope with something) Elena: Ric, here. Take these (Damon touches it but his skin burns) Damon: Aah! Ow! Elena: I said Ric (Alaric takes it and puts it around Ray) Alaric: All right, that's the last of the vervain. We don't have enough stuff to hold him. I don't think we're gonna make that Ridge before the full moon Elena: If we can get him to talk, we don't have to (Ray screams. The transformation begins) Damon: Is he turning? Elena: It's impossible. It's still daylight Alaric: Tell him that (Damon gets closer to Ray and catches his shoulders) Elena: There aren't supposed t be werewolves out here until the moon is full Alaric: You know, those ropes aren't gonna hold the wolf (Ray screams and snarls) Elena: Damon, we've got to get out of here. We gotta get out of these mountains now! Damon, now! (They run) (It's nightime. Klaus is with Derek) Klaus: Bad news, my friend. End of the road for you (He kills him by drinking his blood. The woman is in front of him) Klaus: Careful, love. There's only one Alpha here (All the werewolves' eyes are bleeding. They look like zombies) Klaus: Bloody Hell (Damon, Elena and Alaric are running. Elena trips) Damon: Don't move (Elena raises her head. She's face to face with a werewolf) Damon: Here, doggie, doggie (He runs. The werewolf runs after him) Alaric: Come on. Let's keep moving Elena: We can't leave Damon Alaric: He can handle himself. Let's move Elena: No. If he gets bit, he'll be dead. I'm the reason he's out here Alaric: I am the reason he's out here. I told him where we were, and I'm telling you to keep moving. Let's go. Elena, now [Old Lockwood's cellar] (Tyler and Carol enter) Carol: Tyler, what is it? Just... just tell me Tyler: You need to see for yourself (He takes the chains) Carol: What are you doing? Tyler: You think Caroline's a monster? I'm the monster, mom Carol: What? (He grunts) Carol: Tyler, what's happening? (He pushes her into the cellar and closes the door) Carol: Tyler, what are you doing? Tyler: Me, Uncle Mason, it's in our blood. It's our family curse Carol: What curse? (The transformation begins) Carol: Tyler, what's happening?! What's happening? (His fangs are out and his eyes are yellow. She screams) Carol: Oh, my God! Ohh! No! Ohh! [Smoky mountains, Tennessee] (Damon is walking but Ray rushes toward him in human form but Stefan stops him and rips his heart out) Damon: Fancy meeting you here Stefan: What part of "don't follow me anymore" got lost in translation,Damon? Damon: Might want to take it up with your girlfriend. You don't want her chasing you, I'd stop with the late-night phone calls Stefan: I didn't call her Damon: Sure you did. She's not gonna give up on you Stefan: She has to. Because I'm never coming back. Why don't you get her home? See if you could keep her there this time (Elena and Alaric are in the car) Elena: Stefan's out there somewhere and now Damon, and we're just sitting in this car? Alaric: Let the vampires fight the hybrid zombie mountain man. I'll take care of keeping the humans safe Elena: I thought you were checked out of taking care of people Alaric: I know what you're doing. Don't. There doesn't need to be a lesson here Elena: You're better at it than you think, you know? Alaric: Oh, boy, are you a sucker for a lost cause or what? Elena: You're not a lost cause, Ric. You're just lost. But so is Jeremy, and so am I. Our family is gone. We don't have anybody. I'm sorry, but you don't have anybody either, so... We're kind of right for each other Alaric: I'm keeping the ring, then (Damon arrives toward the car) Elena: Damon (She gets out of the car) Elena: Are you ok? Did you... Damon: Fine, bite-fre. Get back in the car, please Elena: Can you just give me a minute to appreciate that you're not dead? Damon: I'll give you 10 seconds. 9, 8... hey, Ric, did you happen to see where I parked my car? (He catches her and pushes her toward the car) Elena: Damon, stop being such a caveman (Stefan watches them go in the car. Elena looks through the window but Stefan's gone) [Gilbert's House] (Someone rings the bell. Jeremy opens the door. It's Matt) Matt: I'm sorry about earlier Jeremy: Hey, don't worry about it, man. You know, it's, uh... It's a lot to ask. (Matt has beers in his hand) Jeremy: Heh. Come on in (Matt enters) Matt: I spent the day going through her stuff. It was weird, you know, all the memories. I realize that most people didn't really get Vic. You know, they saw her as trouble and let it go at that. But you really got her. You know, you... you got her better than I did most of the time so... I don't know what we're gonna do with all this, but... here (He gives Jeremy a bag. Jeremy opens it and takes Vicky's shirt from it) Jeremy: You know, I don't remember her dying. I don't know if Caroline told you that when she told you everything Matt: Nah, she didn't Jeremy: Elena made them take that memory away from me, that I couldn't handle it. So whatever my last moment was with her, I don't have it Matt: I don't either. I don't remember the last moment I had with Vicki before she was a vampire... When she was still my sister (Jeremy turns himself. Vicki's here) Vicki: Matty (Matt doesn't sees her though) Matt: Do you see something? Is she here? (Jeremy is still looking at Vicki) Jeremy: You said you needed help. Tell me how I can help you please Vicki: I can come back. Help me come back Matt: What is she saying? Tell me (A window breaks and Anna apears) Anna: Jeremy. Don't trust Vicki [Smoky Mountains, Tennessee] (Stefan comes back with Ray. The rest of the pack are dead. Klaus is here) Klaus: They went rabid. Some of them, I killed. The others just... Bled out. In the end... They're all dead (He yells) Klaus: I did everything I was told! I should be able to turn them. I broke the curse. I killed a werewolf. I killed a vampire. I killed the doppelganger (Stefan is uncomfortable) Klaus: You look like hell Stefan: Last I checked, I'm dying... And you don't want to heal me. I had to take him out. I didn't have a choice. I failed you. I'm sorry. Do what you have to do Klaus: It should have worked (He takes a bottle of bear. He bites his wrist, put the blood in the bottle and gives the bottle to Stefan) Klaus: Bottoms up. We're leaving. It appears you're the only comrade I have left [Gilbert's House] (Elena enters her bedroom. Damon's here) Elena: Seriously? Damon: I was wrong Elena: Are you drunk? Damon: No. I thought Stefan was gone, but I was wrong Elena: You saw him out there? Damon, is he ok? Damon: No, he's not ok, Elena. He's an insufferable martyr that needs his ass kicked... But he can be saved Elena: What happened out there? You've change your mind Damon: I changed my mind because even in his darkest place, my brother still can't let me die. So I figure I owe him the same in return. I'll help you bring him back Elena: Thank you Damon: But before I do, I need you to answer one question. What made you change your mind? Elena: What do you mean? Damon: You were so hellbent on staying on that mountain, then you just gave up. So what changed your mind? Elena: We were under attack, Damon Damon: You had a bag full of weapons and a teacher with an eternity ring. You could have kept going Elena: It was too dangerous Damon: It was too dangerous going out there to begin with, so what was it? Elena: Why are you being like this? Damon: What changed your mind, Elena? Elena: I didn't want to see you get hurt, ok? I was... I was worried about you Damon: Thanks (He's about to leave) Elena: Yes, I worry about you. Why do you even have to hear me say it? (He gets closer to her and touches her face) Damon: Because when I drag my brother from the edge and deliver him back to you, I want you to remember the things you felt while he was gone. Good night, Elena (He touches her hair and gets out of the room. Alaric is at the top of the stairs with his luggage) Damon: How's it going, Ric? (He leaves. Alaric looks at Elena) Alaric: Know what you're doing there? Elena: No, I don't [Old Lockwood Cellar] (Tyler wakes up. He's naked. He looks at Carol. She has witnessed everything) Carol: I'll take care of it. I'll make sure nothing happens to her Tyler: Thank you [Lockwood's mansion] (Carol calls Bil) Carol: I think we made a mistake Bill: Carol, you called me in to take care of this problem. Why the sudden change of heart? Carol: Maybe a guilty conscience Bill: Don't feel guilty. They're not human. They're monsters Carol: What if we're wrong? Bill: My family's been committed to this fight for almost 150 years, Carol. You married into it, so maybe you don't understand, but I do. I know what my obligations are Carol: Wait [A cellar] (Caroline is tied to a chair) Caroline: Hello! Mrs. Lockwood?! Somebody! (She hears someone coming) Caroline: Who's that? Mrs. Lockwood?! Please (Bill opens the door and enters) Bill: Hello, Caroline Caroline: Daddy?

Elena and Alaric head to Tennessee and are followed by Damon . Klaus continues to try to create hybrids but fails when the hybrids end up bleeding to death or went crazy and Klaus had to kill them himself. Apparently so because Elena is still alive. Stefan meets up with Damon and tells him to protect Elena. Damon tells Elena that he is wrong about his brother and that Stefan can still be saved. Matt tries to connect with Vicki's ghost through Jeremy. Tyler realises his mother had captured Caroline , who is still being held captive. Tyler then shows his mother he is a werewolf as it was a full moon that night, showing that he was also a monster. Bill, Caroline's dad goes to see Caroline.

fd_Doctor_Who_1963_03x08

fd_Doctor_Who_1963_03x08_0

5:50pm - 6:15pm [SCENE_BREAK] 1: INT. KING PRIAM'S PALACE. DINING HALL CASSANDRA: You heard, didn't you? That was the name she called herself when we found her. And she recognised him too. Since he's a Greek, what more proof do you need that she's a spy? Guards! (Several guards enter. CASSANDRA points imperiously to VICKI and STEVEN.) CASSANDRA: Kill her! Kill both of them! (Two guards grab STEVEN and VICKI.) VICKI: No! No! DONALD COTTON (The others draw their swords and advance. They are stopped by a yell from PARIS...) PARIS: Guards! Sheath arms! (He turns with unnatural authority to CASSANDRA.) PARIS: And since when have you given orders to the military? I'm in command here! CASSANDRA: Of everything except your senses! PARIS: I am at present officer commanding all Trojan forces! CASSANDRA: Ha! PARIS: And I will not tolerate interference from a fortune-teller of notorious unreliability! (CASSANDRA is even more furious...) CASSANDRA: (Angrily.) How...dare...you! I am High Priestess of Troy! PARIS: (Shouts.) All right then, get back to your temple before you give us all galloping religious mania! (To PRIAM.) Oh really, father, I can't tolerate another of her tedious tirades at the moment. CASSANDRA: (Outraged.) Father, do you hear him? PRIAM: (Amused.) Yes, it's quite refreshing. It seems there's a man lurking behind that flaccid facade after all. (PARIS whispers an aside to the King.) PARIS: Really, father, I do wish you'd refrain from patronising me in front of the prisoner. PRIAM: The prisoner! Oh, that's it - one pathetic prisoner and he thinks he's Hercules! The success has gone to your head. PARIS: Just before you start sneering at this prisoner, perhaps you should know that his name is Diomede. And if you look in the Greek army lists, you'll see he's quite a catch. (STEVEN decides to stir things up a little and puts on a voice of admiration.) STEVEN: Which none but you could have caught, O Lion of Troy. (There is a stunned silence, followed by murmurs of shock and disbelief, which CASSANDRA expresses out loud.) CASSANDRA: What was that? (PARIS laughs chuckles at her reaction in an 'I told you so' manner.) PARIS: Well there you are, you see! (Laughs, then to STEVEN.) Right, go on, go on! Tell them, Diomede! STEVEN: We fought. I lost. I am not ashamed. There is none in all our ranks who could stand against the wrath of Paris when he seeks revenge. PARIS: Ah, very good...very good, yes. (He remembers there are others present.) PARIS: There you are, you see - I'm treated with more respect by the enemy than I am by my own family! PRIAM: Ah... CASSANDRA: They don't know you as well as we do. PARIS: Perhaps better! And perhaps the time has come for you to start revising your opinions, sister. CASSANDRA: You forget one thing - your prisoner and that girl have clearly met before. (VICKI goes up to PRIAM.) VICKI: Why won't you let me explain that? It's really all quite simple... (PRIAM interrupts in a very cold manner...) PRIAM: Yes, I'm sure it is. But Paris claimed Diomede here as a Greek prisoner. And Cassandra claims that you are a Greek spy. CASSANDRA: And a sorceress! PRIAM: Yes, quite. After all, you do claim to know the future. VICKI: Yes, but don't you see, that... PRIAM: (Interrupts.) Hush, my child! This war with the Greeks has been going on for ten long years! And frankly, we're very bored with being penned up here. Now if you are what you really say you are, as a pledge of good faith to us, you must either give me information that will lead to our speedy victory... VICKI: Or? PRIAM: ...or use your supernatural powers...to turn the tide of battle in our favour. (VICKI is shocked.) VICKI: But... suppose I don't? Suppose the Greeks win? CASSANDRA: (Harshly.) You will be burned! As a sorceress, a false prophet, and a spy! PRIAM: Well, as one of them, anyway. (Warmly.) But I have every confidence in you, Cressida. And I will give you one whole day to decide which to do. STEVEN: One day? PRIAM: Yes. STEVEN: But... PRIAM: Till tomorrow evening, to be precise. (To PARIS.) Now if you have no objection, I think they ought to be taken away. PARIS: Oh yes, yes. I...I think that's all... (The guards are already retaking hold of their prisoners and moving them towards the door.) PARIS: ...very fair. VICKI: Where are they taking us? PRIAM: To the dungeons. Oh, don't worry, you'll find them quite comfortable. I often spend an hour down too there myself when I've got tired of things up here. STEVEN: How long do you intend to keep us there? CASSANDRA: (Spits.) Till you rot! PRIAM: Oh, well really, Cassandra - though that may be true in your case, Diomede. But I trust Cressida will join us before tomorrow evening. (He looks expectantly at PARIS.) PARIS: Oh yes, yes right. (He clears his throat dramatically.) PARIS: Guards! Take them away! (The guards leave with VICKI and STEVEN.) [SCENE_BREAK] 2: INT. GREEK CAMP. TENT (The DOCTOR sits at a makeshift desk, with a pile of parchment papers as ODYSSEUS enters.) ODYSSEUS: Well, Doctor - you have one day left. What progress are you making? (The DOCTOR laughs in a self-satisfied fashion.) DOCTOR: Considerable! Here... (He hands some bits of parchment to ODYSSEUS.) DOCTOR: Now, you just take that for a moment. ODYSSEUS: Mmm? DOCTOR: Now, pay attention please. (He takes a blank piece of parchment and, with the air of a magician, folds it into the shape of a paper aeroplane. ODYSSEUS watches and is distinctly unimpressed.) ODYSSEUS: What is it? (The DOCTOR chuckles proudly.) DOCTOR: Well, what does it look like? A flying machine! ODYSSEUS: Looks like a parchment dart to me! My boy makes these to annoy his tutors. DOCTOR: Excellent! Since you're so familiar...with this project, then it's so much easier for me...to talk to you. Come along, come along! ODYSSEUS: Huh! (The DOCTOR leads ODYSSEUS to the desk, where they both sit down.) DOCTOR: Now, of course you realise that, erm, we can build a much larger one, capable of carrying a man. Hmm? ODYSSEUS: Mmm, I suppose so. What good would that be? DOCTOR: Oh think, my dear Odysseus - a whole fleet of them! Carrying a company of soldiers over the walls and into Troy. Mmm? ODYSSEUS: Mmm, how would, er, we get them into the air? DOCTOR: Catapults! ODYSSEUS: Catapults? (Laughs.) That sounds like a vulgar oath to me! I must try it on Agamemnon. Catapults! (He laughs out loud.) DOCTOR: Nonsense! The catapult is, er, well, you could make one for yourself out of strips of ox hide. And secure both ends, and then stretch it out like a bow-string, hm? ODYSSEUS: I see. (He clearly doesn't.) DOCTOR: Then you, er, pour water over it, let it dry in the sun, and what happens then, mm? ODYSSEUS: It begins to smell! DOCTOR: Never mind that. It shrinks! Now, allow me to demonstrate. (He chuckles. Whilst they have been talking, the DOCTOR has set-up string and pins from which he has fashioned a miniature catapult. He places the paper dart into this.) DOCTOR: You place the flying machine thus, as you would an arrow in a bow, and... (He releases the plane, which flies across the tent.) DOCTOR: ...let it go. ODYSSEUS: What happens? DOCTOR: The machine flies in the air with a soldier clinging to its back! ODYSSEUS: Yes, well here's one soldier who's doing nothing of the sort! DOCTOR: (Laughs.) Agamemnon, then. ODYSSEUS: (Laughs.) That might be quite an idea. DOCTOR: Thank you, I thought you'd like it. ODYSSEUS: (Seriously.) Agamemnon wouldn't do it, though. DOCTOR: Oh? Why not? ODYSSEUS: He'd object most strongly. We'll have to think of someone else. DOCTOR: Well, anyone could do it, for that matter, I mean even a child could operate it. ODYSSEUS: I'm very glad to hear you say that, Doctor, because I intend to build this flying machine. DOCTOR: (Pleased.) Excellent, excellent! ODYSSEUS: And you shall have the honour of being the first man to fly! (The smile disappears very quickly from the DOCTOR'S face.) [SCENE_BREAK] 3: INT. KING PRIAM'S PALACE. DUNGEONS (STEVEN and VICKI are being held in adjacent cells in the Trojan palace dungeon. A small grating in STEVEN'S cell lets light in from street level, and a communication grating connects the two cells. Each is fronted by a locked barred door. VICKI'S cell is fairly comfortable but STEVEN'S contains gruesome instruments of torture. The two stand at the grating arguing with each other, their voices echoing in the gloom.) VICKI: If you hadn't called me Vicki, we wouldn't be here now. STEVEN: You called me by my name first! VICKI: Only because I was surprised to see you - I can't think why you disguised yourself as a Greek, anyway! STEVEN: I disguised myself so that I could rescue you! VICKI: You succeeded beautifully. (Sarcastically.) Thanks, "Diomede". STEVEN: Oh look, be fair! How was I to know that you'd manage to get round King Priam? VICKI: You might have guessed. I know how to take care of myself! (STEVEN groans in disagreement.) VICKI: Why couldn't you have disguised yourself as a Trojan? It would have been far more sensible. STEVEN: Because I haven't got a Trojan uniform. If you're so clever at looking after yourself, you'd better start thinking of a way to get out of here - and fast! VICKI: What do you mean - fast? STEVEN: Yesterday, the Doctor was given two days to capture Troy, and if I know him, he'll probably succeed. VICKI: Well that's all right then, we shall be rescued. STEVEN: Rescued? You'll be lucky! Look, may I point out that in the one day that the Doctor now has left, you have to think of a way of saving the city and defeating the Greeks! VICKI: Oh...I hadn't thought of it like that. STEVEN: Oh, well, you'd better start. Because I don't think Cassandra's going to wait... until the city falls before she gets rid of you! VICKI: (Defensively.) Paris wouldn't let her do that, neither would Troilus. STEVEN: Troilus? VICKI: Paris's younger brother. He likes me - I like him. STEVEN: I don't think that's going to matter much when the city starts to burn. Now, come on, start thinking! It's you against the Doctor now. VICKI: Oh, Steven, what can we do to stop him? Do you know what he was planning? STEVEN: Oh, I've no idea. I suggested the wooden horse, he...he said that was something Homer made up. (He is distracted by the noise of a small stone clattering across the floor of his cell from the window.) VICKI: What was that? STEVEN: Some fool throwing stones at us. Probably stirred up by Cassandra. (He goes to the window and looks.) VICKI: Except for her, they were all quite friendly to me... (STEVEN sees a familiar face looking through the window from the square outside.) STEVEN: Vicki! It's the Cyclops! (VICKI has only heard of the original, mythical Cyclops, and is astonished to hear of its supposed presence in the middle of a bustling city.) VICKI: What! STEVEN: The servant of Odysseus! Look, Cyclops... can you understand me? (CYCLOPS grunts and gestures in the affirmative.) [SCENE_BREAK] 4: EXT. TROJAN STREET (STEVEN'S face appears at floor level on the street.) STEVEN: Tell them...tell them that I've found our other friend. [SCENE_BREAK] 5: INT. KING PRIAM'S PALACE. DUNGEONS STEVEN: Yes? That they mustn't attack Troy... (CYCLOPS gestures to the buildings around him.) STEVEN: That's it, the city...they mustn't attack Troy until the day after tomorrow... uh-huh... otherwise we'll both be killed... (He gestures to VICKI.) STEVEN: This girl and I. You understand? (CYCLOPS nods and grunts a laughing noise.) VICKI: Glad he thinks that's funny. STEVEN: Tell...tell the old man... (He is interrupted by a voice from behind...) TROILUS: Cressida, what's going on? VICKI: Oh, Troilus! (TROILUS, the youngest son of PRIAM, is in his late teens, dressed as a warrior but looking too young for the military garb. He has walked into VICKI'S cell with a tray of food. STEVEN hisses at CYCLOPS to go.) TROILUS: What are you doing? VICKI: Ah, nothing, just watching Ste, er, Diomede examining those things in there. (TROILUS looks through at STEVEN'S cell and sees him at the window.) TROILUS: What are you doing up there? STEVEN: Just admiring the view. It's a very handsome square out here. TROILUS: Perhaps, but you're supposed to sit in your cell and be quiet. (STEVEN gets down and sits as instructed.) TROILUS: (To VICKI) You weren't talking to him, were you? You're not supposed to. VICKI: No, I was...just watching. TROILUS: I brought you some food. VICKI: Oh, thank you! I though I'd been forgotten. (He hands her the tray.) VICKI: You can, erm, tell me what's going on while I eat. (TROILUS looks down sadly.) TROILUS: I'm not allowed to talk to you. VICKI: Why not? TROILUS: I'm on duty. VICKI: Can't you even... TROILUS: I'm sorry, Cressida, but I must obey orders. (VICKI sits down sullenly and starts eating.) VICKI: Mm, this is very good. Would you like some? (TROILUS hesitates.) VICKI: Go on...try some. (The young Trojan clearly wants to, but is still hesitant.) TROILUS: Well actually I...I have already eaten. (STEVEN watches hungrily through the partition as VICKI tucks in.) [SCENE_BREAK] 6: INT. GREEK CAMP. TENT (ODYSSEUS sits impatiently while the DOCTOR paces up and down.) ODYSSEUS: Will you keep still? DOCTOR: I'm thinking. ODYSSEUS: Well think sitting down! Now you said your plans were ready. I've got half a company of men standing by to make this machine of yours. DOCTOR: Dismiss them then. ODYSSEUS: (Threatening.) What? You have very little time left, Doctor! DOCTOR: Oh, I'm quite well aware of that, but er, I'm afraid this machine isn't going to work. ODYSSEUS: You mean you're too frightened to fly it yourself. DOCTOR: No, no, no, it isn't that, not at all! I've made a mistake in my calculations. ODYSSEUS: A mistake? DOCTOR: Mm. Yes, yes, I'm afraid we must face up to it, Odysseus, er, man was never meant to fly. ODYSSEUS: Wasn't he now? Well that seems to me a great shame. Now if your machine won't work, Doctor, I propose to fly you without it. DOCTOR: Oh? What do you mean? ODYSSEUS: Simply this - that my catapult is ready, and it seems a great pity to waste it. Now you have failed me, therefore you are expendable - I propose to fire you over the walls of Troy! (The DOCTOR realises it is time for desperate measures.) DOCTOR: Ah, but I have another idea, (Laughs.) ...and a much better one! ODYSSEUS: It had better be. Well? DOCTOR: Have you ever thought of a...a horse, hmm? (There is a pause. ODYSSEUS stares at the DOCTOR.) ODYSSEUS: Is that supposed to be funny? DOCTOR: It should be a huge horse, about forty foot high. ODYSSEUS: What good would that be? DOCTOR: We build it hollow and we fill it with soldiers, and leave it on the sandy plain for the Trojans to capture it, hmm? (ODYSSEUS begins to follow the idea. He grows enthusiastic.) ODYSSEUS: And...and it's just possible that the Trojans will come out and take the horse back into their city! DOCTOR: And the Greeks pretend to sail away, mm? ODYSSEUS: Ah, yes, that's quite an idea, Doctor! (They both laugh with pleasure.) [SCENE_BREAK] 7: INT. KING PRIAM'S PALACE. DUNGEONS (TROILUS sits in the cell with VICKI, who continues her meal.) TROILUS: No, of course not - it was just that Cassandra went on so about your being a witch! VICKI: And you thought I might put a spell on you? TROILUS: Well no, of course not - I'd like to see you try it...you're not a witch, are you? VICKI: Of course not. Do I look like one? TROILUS: Well, no, but...then I've never met one. (VICKI laughs.) TROILUS: Look here, I shouldn't be talking to you like this. And what are you laughing at? VICKI: Well you're not in the war, are you? You're far too young! TROILUS: I'm seventeen next birthday! VICKI: Well, that's hardly any older than me! You shouldn't be killing people at your age. (TROILUS moves closer and speaks in a confidential manner.) TROILUS: Well...between you and me, I...I don't honestly enjoy killing at all. But I love adventure. (VICKI speaks wistfully, looking into his eyes.) VICKI: Yes, I know what you mean. [SCENE_BREAK] 8: INT. AGAMEMNON'S TENT (AGAMEMNON and MENELAUS are in the formers' tent as ODYSSEUS visits with the DOCTOR to explain their plan.) AGAMEMNON: Well, what is this idea of yours? DOCTOR: Well, it's all perfectly simple! (He starts unravelling a roll of parchment.) ODYSSEUS: Nonsense! Show them the plans, Doctor. It's quite revolutionary! (The DOCTOR spreads the parchment out on a table.) ODYSSEUS: There, what do you make of that? (AGAMEMNON and MENELAUS look at the DOCTOR'S diagrams of the Wooden Horse. MENELAUS is the first to comment.) MENELAUS: Er, well it's, erm, a horse... (ODYSSEUS stares at him.) MENELAUS: Isn't it? ODYSSEUS: (Patiently.) Well done, Menelaus. But what sort of horse, that's the point. MENELAUS: Ah. Er, well... (He looks at the plan again.) MENELAUS: A big horse. ODYSSEUS: Exactly! A very big horse. AGAMEMNON: (Angrily.) Is this some sort of joke? ODYSSEUS: (Shouts.) The horse is at least forty foot high! MENELAUS: Oh, but horses don't grow as big as that - do they? I mean, even the Great Horse of Asia that the Trojans worship... ODYSSEUS: Now you're beginning to get to the point. Horses don't grow that high. MENELAUS: No. ODYSSEUS: The Great Horse of Asia does not exist, therefore we are going to build one for the Trojans as a sort of present. (AGAMEMNON begins to follows the plan.) AGAMEMNON: Mm hmm, go on. DOCTOR: We build it of wood, and we build it hollow. Then we fill it with a picked team of soldiers. MENELAUS: Well...then what do we do? DOCTOR: You take to the ships and sail away... MENELAUS: Oh! DOCTOR: ...to make the Trojans think you've all gone. MENELAUS: Excellent! Now, that is a good idea! (ODYSSEUS laughs.) DOCTOR: You all come back again, of course, hm! MENELAUS: (Disappointed.) Why is there always a catch in it? DOCTOR: None of this must happen before nightfall, hmm? ODYSSEUS: Now Achilles will take his Myrmidons and hide out upon the plain. AGAMEMNON: I thought you said the best warriors'd be in the horse? ODYSSEUS: So they will be. I shall be there with my Ithacans. AGAMEMNON: Eh? ODYSSEUS: My Ithacans, and the Doctor, of course. DOCTOR: That wasn't part of the plan! ODYSSEUS: It is now - I've just thought of it. I'm standing no more nonsense from you, Doctor. DOCTOR: That will not be necessary! I shall only get in the way! ODYSSEUS: You'd better not do that. (To AGAMEMNON and MENELAUS.) Now the rest is up to the Trojans. They see that we have gone. They see their Great Horse upon the plain, which has descended from heaven to drive us away. DOCTOR: Then they drag the horse into the city. AGAMEMNON: (Sceptically.) Mmm, are you sure? Suppose they set fire to it? DOCTOR: Oh, well, that is a calculated risk, but somehow I don't believe they'll want to destroy one of their own gods. (He chuckles to himself.) MENELAUS: Yes, but once they have the horse inside, won't they close the gates? ODYSSEUS: Of course they will! But during the night, we shall leave the horse, open up the gates to let you all in again. What more do you want? MENELAUS: A drink! (He reaches for the pitcher of wine as the DOCTOR chuckles.) [SCENE_BREAK] 9: INT. KING PRIAM'S PALACE. DUNGEONS VICKI: There, I've finished. That was lovely. (TROILUS takes the plate from her and gets up shyly.) TROILUS: Then, er, I...I'd better go, I've...I've stayed here far too long as it is already. VICKI: Oh but, er, aren't you going to take some food to Diomede? TROILUS: Why? VICKI: Well, perhaps he's hungry too. TROILUS: But he's a Greek. He deserves to be hungry. VICKI: Well, perhaps so, but, eh...you can't let him starve! TROILUS: He won't starve! The guards will throw him a scrap or two later on. VICKI: (Slightly angry.) Well, that's a very nice attitude, I must say! (TROILUS is getting jealous.) TROILUS: Look here, is this Diomede a particular friend of yours or something? VICKI: A very good friend, yes! TROILUS: Well I don't see how you can be friends with a Greek! VICKI: Oh, look, Troilus, when you...come from the future you make friends with a lot of people, and he's one of them. TROILUS: I see. But he's not in any way special? VICKI: No! Why do you keep on? TROILUS: Well, because that's what I was...I mean, that's what the others were worried about. (VICKI easily sees his true meaning, and chooses her words carefully.) VICKI: Oh...er, yes, well, all right, er, you can tell them to...stop worrying...and let us out. (They both laugh gently.) TROILUS: Yes, yes I will. But I don't suppose anyone will take any notice. VICKI: (Gently.) Well, do your best anyway. TROILUS: Naturally! I'll let you know what happens. (He leaves the cell, rebolts the door, then turns back to look at VICKI through the bars.) TROILUS: Perhaps I can come back later on - if there's any news, that is. VICKI: Well, you know where to find me, don't you? I mean I don't expect I shall be going out or anything. (They both laugh.) TROILUS: I suppose not. Well...goodbye for the present then...Cressida. VICKI: Goodbye, Troilus. (She watches sadly as he goes. STEVEN appears at the grating from his cell, a broad grin on his face.) STEVEN: You ought to be ashamed of yourself! VICKI: I don't see why! At least I've done something towards getting us out of here, which is more than you have. STEVEN: And what chance have I had? VICKI: Anyway, I though he was rather nice. STEVEN: Oh, you made that painfully obvious! And I think you might at least have had the decency to have saved me some food! (VICKI produces some food from a pocket and hands it to him.) STEVEN: Oh! Thanks. VICKI: The guards are sending you some scraps later, Troilus said so. (STEVEN starts to eat.) STEVEN: Hmm! Troilus! VICKI: You know, Steven, I think I could get to be...quite happy here in time. STEVEN: I hate to remind you, but time is the one thing we just haven't got. VICKI: But you said you'd sent a message to the Doctor! STEVEN: Yeah, well I think I have. It's hard to tell with the Cyclops. In any case, your new boyfriend came in before I'd finished telling him everything. VICKI: Well, let's hope he did understand. STEVEN: Yeah. And let's hope he got out of Troy safely. Otherwise we're in trouble. [SCENE_BREAK] 10: EXT. PLAIN OF TROY (Outside the city, seagulls can be heard in the sky overhead as PARIS and his guards see CYCLOPS making his way back to the Greek camp. One guard aims a spear.) PARIS: Halt! Halt or I shoot! (CYCLOPS stops and looks at them as PARIS puts a bow into his arrow.) PARIS: Identify yourself. (CYCLOPS is silent but gestures wildly.) PARIS: Speak! (Slowly.) Who...are...you? (One of the soldiers throws his spear and the little man falls dead to the ground. PARIS turns on the guard.) PARIS: Oh confound you, why did you have to do that? The poor little fellow probably never meant any harm! (They look down at the body.) PARIS: Well, now we shall never know who he was. [SCENE_BREAK] 11: EXT. GREEK CAMP (NIGHT) (Night has fallen as the DOCTOR and ODYSSEUS stand outside the tent staring up at the gigantic shape of the now complete Wooden Horse.) ODYSSEUS: Well, Doctor, that's a warhorse and a half for you. That's something like a secret weapon. Better than half a dozen of your crack-brained flying machines. (The DOCTOR looks from the Horse to his parchment design.) DOCTOR: Yes, I...I only wish I shared your confidence. (He gives a short rueful laugh.) ODYSSEUS: Well, what's the matter with you? DOCTOR: Hmm. ODYSSEUS: Have you no faith in your own invention? DOCTOR: No, no, Odysseus, it isn't that, but I just didn't like the look of those fetlocks. They...no safety margin at all. ODYSSEUS: Well, they haven't got to last forever - after all, we're not building one of the wonders of the world, are we? As long as that horse gets us into Troy, it can collapse into a mare's nest for all I care! (He laughs.) DOCTOR: Er, suppose it collapses whilst we're all in it, hmm? ODYSSEUS: Then we shall all look very foolish indeed. DOCTOR: Yes, and I've no wish to be made a laughing stock! ODYSSEUS: Not another word, Doctor! To coin a phrase, you are coming for a ride! (He laughs but the DOCTOR is not so amused.) [SCENE_BREAK] 12: INT. KING PRIAM'S PALACE. DUNGEONS (NIGHT) (In the cells, STEVEN paces impatiently but then hears the noise of his cell door being opened. It is a guard with, as promised , a pile of scraps for him to eat. STEVEN waits as the guard drops the scraps and then turns his back on him as he goes back to the door. STEVEN jumps the guard and rushes for the door but there are several other guards there, spears raised. The fallen guard gets to his feet and strikes STEVEN down . He then leaves the cell, slamming the door shut behind him.) VICKI: I told you strong-arm tactics wouldn't work. (STEVEN groans as he recovers.) [SCENE_BREAK] 13: INT. WOODEN HORSE (NIGHT) (The horse has now been moved out onto the darkened plain. The DOCTOR, ODYSSEUS and a number of soldiers sit in the belly of the horse, in almost pitch darkness. The DOCTOR sits by a knothole in the side of the horse and peers through it. Something catches his eye on the horizon, and he calls, as a horse is heard neighing in the distance.) DOCTOR: Odysseus! Come here, quickly! (ODYSSEUS has been dozing.) ODYSSEUS: What is it now, Doctor? Upon my soul, you're making me as nervous as a Bacchante at her first orgy. Why don't you try and get some sleep? DOCTOR: I've never felt less like sleep in my life! I thought I, er, saw some movement down there. ODYSSEUS: I hope you did. That's the whole point of the operation, is it not? Pretty lot of fools we'd look if we...come here and nobody takes a damned bit of notice of us. DOCTOR: I think I ought to warn you that I've given second thoughts to the whole of this scheme, and...I think it better we turn round and go back before it's too late. (He gives a short laugh and makes for the hatch but ODYSSEUS blocks his progress.) DOCTOR: Get out of my way ODYSSEUS: Now look, Doctor, will you be still? (The DOCTOR sighs, then sullenly sits down. ODYSSEUS looks out through the knothole.) ODYSSEUS: I suggest, Doctor, that if you cannot sleep...you start counting Trojans. Here they come, now. [SCENE_BREAK] 14: EXT. PLAIN OF TROY (NIGHT) (A column of Trojans advances cautiously, by torchlight, towards the horse. They look up at it in amazement.) [SCENE_BREAK] 15: INT. KING PRIAM'S PALACE. DUNGEONS (The next morning. VICKI and STEVEN are still asleep when TROILUS races into VICKI'S cell. He looks and sounds breathless and excited.) TROILUS: Cressida! Cressida, wake up! You must come quickly! (VICKI half wakes up.) VICKI: What's the matter? TROILUS: The Greeks have gone! VICKI: What do you mean? TROILUS: Well the whole fleet has sailed, and now there's not one to be seen - they've all gone home! The war's over! (VICKI yawns...) VICKI: Are you...are you...sure that... (...and then fully wakes up.) VICKI: Are you sure they've all really gone? TROILUS: Well Paris has gone out now to make sure, but what else can it mean? Well, come and see for yourself! (He pulls her towards the open cell door.) VICKI: Are you releasing me? TROILUS: Well, naturally! Father's terribly pleased with you! VICKI: Oh, it was nothing to do with me! TROILUS: Well, he thinks it was, and that's the main thing. He saying that you've brought us luck as he always said you would. Cassandra's furious about it; she hates you more than ever now. VICKI: Oh dear. TROILUS: Oh, that doesn't matter, she's completely discredited. If even the end of the war can't cheer her up, she's not worth bothering about. (VICKI gives a short but uncertain laugh.) TROILUS: Well come on, father wants to thank you himself! VICKI: Yes... (She catches sight of STEVEN, who has by now woken up, as she goes.) VICKI: Oh, um, what about Diomede? TROILUS: Who? VICKI: Diomede! TROILUS: Yes, what about Diomede? (He looks through the grille at STEVEN.) TROILUS: Do you think you can fight the whole of Troy on your own? STEVEN: I don't want to fight anybody. TROILUS: Well that's just as well. You're the last of the Greeks now. Your friends have all sailed home without you. (He steps away from the grille.) TROILUS: (To VICKI.) Well come on! (VICKI looks apologetically at STEVEN, then runs off after TROILUS.) [SCENE_BREAK] 16: INT. WOODEN HORSE (ODYSSEUS looks over the group assembled in the horse. For once, he speaks quietly...) ODYSSEUS: Absolute silence, everyone. DOCTOR: Yes, but I... I... ODYSSEUS: That includes you, Doctor! (The DOCTOR groans.) DOCTOR: Hmph! (The creaking of ropes and wooden joints is heard, and the horse lurches forwards. ODYSSEUS laughs quietly.) ODYSSEUS: Well, this time...Troy will be destroyed! (From within, they feel the horse being moved bumpily along.) [SCENE_BREAK] 17: INT. CHAMBER OF KING PRIAM'S PALACE (VICKI and TROILUS enter a room in PRIAM'S chambers in the palace. PRIAM and CASSANDRA are already there. The latter stares in a hostile fashion at VICKI.) PRIAM: Come on in, Cressida! Come in, both of you! Has Troilus told you the news? VICKI: Yes, it's marvellous, isn't it? I'm so pleased. PRIAM: Pleased? I should just say you are. You did it! VICKI: I... PRIAM: Oh, yes you did - I don't know how, but that's your own business, I suppose. Now why on earth couldn't you tell us this was going to happen? You would have saved yourself all those hours in the cells, and us a great deal of worry. CASSANDRA: She didn't tell you because it's some form of treachery. Don't trust her, father! PRIAM: Oh, stuff and nonsense! Oh, go and feed the sacred serpents or something. If you can't be pleasant at a time like this, Cassandra, I don't want to see y... (He breaks off as PARIS enters.) PRIAM: Oh, Paris! Have the Greeks really gone? PARIS: (Amazed.) Every last one of them, or so it seems! PRIAM: There you are, Cassandra, I told you so. (CASSANDRA'S stormy countenance doesn't change.) PRIAM: Oh, do for goodness sake, smile! PARIS: But...more important, I think I've just found the Great Horse of Asia! PRIAM: You've done what? PARIS: Something uncommonly like it, anyway. PRIAM: What on earth are you talking about? PARIS: The Great Horse of Asia! Standing all by itself in the middle of the plain, about forty foot high and made of wood! (PRIAM walks over to the balcony.) [SCENE_BREAK] 18: EXT. KING PRIAM'S PALACE. BALCONY (PARIS joins his father, and looks over the city towards the plain. CASSANDRA follows.) PRIAM: Whereabouts in the middle of the plain? PARIS: Near the Grecian line. Look! You can just see it from here. [SCENE_BREAK] 19: EXT. PLAIN OF TROY (In the distance is the figure of the Wooden Horse.) PRIAM: (OOV.) Great heavens! I do believe you're right! It is the Great Horse of Asia! CASSANDRA: (OOV.) It's an omen. An omen of disaster. [SCENE_BREAK] 20: EXT. KING PRIAM'S PALACE. BALCONY (TROILUS and VICKI have come onto the balcony to look. VICKI stares, aghast, and mutters under her breath.) VICKI: It is the Trojan Horse! But I thought... (She was not quiet enough.) TROILUS: What was that? (CASSANDRA rounds on her.) CASSANDRA: Yes, ask her! Go on, ask her! She knows what it is! It's our doom! It's the death of Troy, brought upon us by that cursed witch! PARIS: Now understand me, Cassandra - I will not have one word said against that horse! TROILUS: And neither will I against Cressida! CASSANDRA: Will you not? (She looks out over the plain.) CASSANDRA: Then woe to the House of Priam. Woe to the Trojans! PARIS: I'm afraid you're a bit late to say 'whoa' to the horse! I've just given instructions to have it brought into the city. [SCENE_BREAK] 21: EXT. PLAIN OF TROY (The horse moves slowly forward to the city. At its feet, the excited, but doomed crowd can be heard.)

Missing episode When the TARDIS arrives on the plains of Asia Minor not far from the besieged city of Troy, the Doctor is hailed by Achilles as the mighty godZeus and taken to the Greek camp. He meets Agamemnon and Odysseus. Forced to admit he is a mere mortal - albeit a traveller in space and time - he is given two days to devise a scheme to capture Troy. Steven and Vicki, meanwhile, have been taken prisoner by the Trojans. Vicki, believed to possess supernatural powers, is given two days to banish the Greeks to prove she is not a spy.

fd_FRIENDS_07x08

fd_FRIENDS_07x08_0

With Help from: Didi Chow [Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Monica is in the kitchen, Joey, Rachel, and Phoebe are sitting around the table writing on notepads, while Chandler is looking over their shoulders.] Ross: (entering) Hey everybody! Happy Thanksgiving! Chandler: No, no, no. No-no-no. Joey, Rachel, and Phoebe: Shhhh! Ross: What, are we keeping Thanksgiving a secret this year? Chandler: No, we're playing this game I learned at work. You have to name all the states in six minutes. Ross: What? That's like insanely easy! Chandler: Now, that's a lot harder than it sounds. You always forget at least one, or in some cases... fourteen (looks over to Monica). Monica: It's a stupid game and I wasn't playing against other people, so technically I didn't lose. Ross: What? You forgot fourteen states? Monica: Nobody cares about the Dakotas. (That's true in so many ways, trust me, I've lived in one and been to the other.) [Chandler's watch beeps] Chandler: Oh, okay, time's up! Rachel: All right, I got 48. Chandler: Oh that's not bad, Pheebs? Phoebe: Oh, I got tired of naming states. So I decided to list the types of celery, and I have one: regular celery. Chandler: Okay, so Rachel's got 48 and Phoebe has the lead in...vegetables, Joey? Joey: Say hello to the new champ of Chandler's dumb states game. Ross: Wow, how many have you got? Joey: Fifty-six! Opening Credits [Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's. Ross is sitting in the couch doing Chandler's game. Chandler is sitting in his barcalounger. The girls are in the kitchen.] Joey: Hey! How is New England not a state? Huh? They have a sports team! Chandler: Does South Oregon have a sports-team? (Joey strikes one from his list) There you go. [Cut to the girls in the kitchen.] Rachel: (counting the place settings) How come we have one extra place setting? Monica: 'Cause you invited your assistant. Rachel: Oh, right. Sorry. But Tag's not coming; his girlfriend came into town, so he's spending Thanksgiving with her. Monica: Oh! Why didn't you tell me? I made him his own individual sweet potato stuffed pumpkin. Rachel: Well, I was going to, but then I figured, you know... your food is so delicious and perfect, you can never have too many of those pumpkin things. Monica: Now you think I wouldn't enjoy that, because it is so fake, (Laughs) but I still do. Phoebe: Regular Celery! (Starts to write that on her list) Oh, I already have that. (She gets up and heads for her room) Ross: Done! With time-a to spare. Chandler: Oooh that may be a New World's record (Looks at his watch and picks up Ross' pad) Ross: You know, I hate to lecture you guys, but it's kinda disgraceful, that a group of well-educated adults and Joey can't name all the states. Did you ever see a map, or one of those round, colorful things called "a globe?" Hmm? Chandler: Uh, Magellan? You got 46 states. (Smiles and hands Ross back his pad) Ross: What? That's impossible. Joey: 46. Wow! Who's well educated now, Mr. I-forgot-ten-states? Monica: All right, I'm out of oven space. I'm gonna turn on Joey's. Please, watch him! Do not let Joey eat any of the food! Chandler: I am only one man! (Monica heads out) Okay Ross, time is up! Ross: No, just give me another minute. Chandler: Look Ross, if you don't know them by now, you will never know them, okay? That is the beauty of this game. It makes you want to kill yourself. Ross: This-this is crazy! I can do this! All right, uhh, I bet I can get all 50 before dinner. Chandler: Okay, but if you can't...no dinner! Ross: You're on! Joey: (gets up) All right. Don't look at my list, Ross, 'cause there's a lot on there that you don't have. Monica: (entering, to Joey and Rachel) Hey, did you guys know that your oven doesn't work? Joey: But the drawer full of take-out menus is okay, right? Monica: Ross, I'm gonna use yours, okay? Ross: Pshhshhh! Monica: Chandler? Can you give me a hand? (Grabs her jacket) Chandler: Sure, and Joey; do not let Ross look at any of the maps or the globe in your apartment. Joey: Don't worry, Chandler, it's not a globe of the United States. [Chandler and Monica head out with some stuff. Phoebe comes out of her room with a bag.] Phoebe: Hey you guys I'm gonna go out and take a walk. Ross: Phoebe, why is your bag moving? Phoebe: Oh, it's not! Rachel: Seriously, it's moving! Joey: What the hell is in there? Phoebe: It's just my knitting that's all! (A dog sticks its head out of Phoebe's bag. Everyone looks puzzled.) Yes! I knit this. I'm very good. [Scene: Ross' apartment, Monica and Chandler enter.] Monica: Ross's apartment is nice! How come we don't hang out here more often? Chandler: I don't know. Maybe it's because it smells a little weird. It's like old pumpkins or something. Monica: That's my pie! Chandler: Which smells delicious! Monica: Uh-oh! Uh-oh! Chandler: What? Monica: We left Joey alone with the food! (Walks towards the window and looks out) Yep! Yep, I knew it! There he is... feeding stuffing to a dog! [Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Ross is still doing his list. Rachel and Joey are feeding the dog as the phone rings.] Phoebe: (answering the phone) Hi Geller-Bing residence. How can I help? Monica: Phoebe, why is there a dog in our apartment? Phoebe: I'm sorry, who's this? Monica: Phoebe, there's a dog sitting on my couch! Chandler: Tell her, I'm allergic, and I will sue! Phoebe: No, there's no dog here? Monica: Yes there is! He's black and white and shaggy and [Cut to Monica's apartment] he's sitting next to Rachel and licking Rachel's hand. Phoebe: Oh my god! Where are you? (Looks around.) Monica: I'll be right there! Phoebe: (Phoebe hangs up and someone knocks on the door. She gasps.) They're here already? How are they doing this? Rachel: (gets up and opens the door) Hi Tag! What are you doing here? Tag: I, uh, wanted to see if your offer to spend Thanksgiving with you is still good. Rachel: Well, sure! Come in! (He enters) Well, what-what happened to your girlfriend? Tag: We kinda broke up this morning. Rachel: Oh, I'm sorry. Tag: Yeah, so she went back to Ohio. Ross: Ohio!! Thank you! [Time lapse, Chandler and Monica enter.] Chandler: Huh! Where is the dog?! Ross: What dog? There-there's no dog here. Joey: Yeah that dog left! Monica: (walks to Phoebe's door) Phoebe! Phoebe, open up! Phoebe: There's no dog in here. [The dog barks.] Chandler: Phoebe, we can hear the dog barking! Phoebe: No that's just me coughing! (Doing some weird coughing noises and the dog barks again. Phoebe comes out of the room.) Oh, good, there you are! Listen, um, I have a dog in my room. Chandler: What is it doing here? Phoebe: Well, I'm watching it for some friends who went out of town. Wait. (She bends down, picks up the dog, and waves with one of its paws) Hello, my name is Clunkers. May I please stay with you nice people? Monica: Oooh, I wish she could stay here, but Chandler is allergic! Chandler: Extremely allergic, okay? If I'm anywhere near a dog for more than 5 minutes, my throat will just close up! Phoebe: That's odd, 'cause this dog's been living here for the past 3 days Chandler: (gasping) Really? Monica: Chandler, if that dog's been here that long, and you haven't had a reaction, maybe you're not allergic to this dog? Chandler: Well, it still has to go, right? Monica and Phoebe: Why? Chandler: Okay, it's um... Joey: (interrupting him) Don't do it! Monica: Don't do what? Chandler: (to Joey) I have to! Okay? It's time! (Joey shrugs as if to say, "Do what you have to do") Okay, I hate dogs. All: What? Phoebe: Are you crazy? Ross: Are you out of your mind? Phoebe: Why? Joey: Told ya. (Waves bye-bye.) Chandler: They are needy, they are jumpy, and you can't tell what they are thinking, and that scares me a little bit. Ross: Right, they are scary. (He jumps up, screaming) Ahh, she just ate a treat out of my hand!!! Rachel: Wait a minute. Do you not like all dogs? I mean, not even puppies? Chandler: (scared) Is there a puppy here? Tag: You don't like puppies? Chandler: (to Tag) Okay, you are new! Joey: Look, Chandler, I told you, never tell anyone about this dog thing. It's like Ross not likin' ice cream. Phoebe: You don't like ice cream? Ross: It's too cold. Chandler: Okay, it's just that dogs make me a little uncomfortable. Ross: (to Phoebe) It hurts my teeth. Chandler: And I don't wanna say this, I don't want you guys to hate me, but uh, I don't think, I can be around that dog anymore. Okay, so either the dog goes, or I go. (An awkward silence ensues.) Oh my god!! [Time lapse, Ross is still doing Chandler's game. Tag is heading for the balcony.] Ross: How can I not get this? I'm a college professor; I got 1450 on my S.A.T.s. Monica: 1250. Ross: Damn, I forgot you were here. Phoebe: All right. We're gonna take Clunkers to Ross's. We'll be back in a minute. (Gets up with Monica to do so.) Rachel: Oh, wait before you guys go, can I just ask you a question? Monica: Yeah. Rachel: When a guy breaks up with his girlfriend, what is an appropriate amount of time to wait before you make a move? Phoebe: Oh, I'd say about a month. Monica: Really? I'd say 3 to 4. Joey: Half hour. (Rachel turns to look at him and he nods yes.) Rachel: Interesting. Monica: When it's your assistant, I would say never. Joey: All right, Rach, the big question is, does he like you? All right? Because if he doesn't like you, this is all a moo-point. Rachel: Huh. A moo-point? Joey: Yeah, it's like a cow's opinion. It just doesn't matter. It's moo. Rachel: (to Monica and Phoebe) Have I been living with him for too long, or did that all just make sense? Monica: Please, don't listen to Joey, okay. Would you look at him? He-he's obviously depressed. He's away from his family; he's spending Thanksgiving with strangers. What he needs right now is for you to be his friend. Rachel: You're right, I'm sorry. Thank you. Okay, that's what I'm gonna do. Joey: Fine! Take their advice. No one ever listens to me. When the package is this pretty, no one cares what's inside. [Cut to the balcony, Tag is looking down while Rachel enters.] Rachel: Hey! Tag: Hey. Rachel: How are you holding up? Tag: Not bad. Rachel: Yeah? I'm sorry about your girlfriend. Tag: Thanks. Rachel: So were you guys together a long time? Tag: A year. On and off. I kinda thought we'd end up together. I don't anymore. Rachel: Now that she broke up with you? Tag: Yeah. Rachel: Yeah. Hmmmm. Tag: It's weird. I always used to assume, that I would meet someone and fall in love and be happy and all that was just a given. But lately it's like what if it's not. Do you ever have that feeling? Rachel: No...Yeah, all the time, constantly. It's terrifying. But you know that I figure it...it has to work out. Tag: Why? Rachel: Because, uh-it has to. Tag: You have all the answers, don't you? Rachel: Yeah, I know, I do. I really do. Tag: Hey, thanks for talking to me. Rachel: Well, what is a boss for? Hug it out! (They hug) Joey: (through the window) All right, he likes you back! Huh? Told ya, you should go for it! Tag: What? Joey: (realizes what he said) Street noise drowned any of that out? (Rachel moves madly towards him) No, all right, I see you later, okay... (Turns away embarrassed) [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: The Balcony, continued from earlier.] Tag: What did Joey say? I like you back? Rachel: Uh, yeah, well, see, he... Joey knows, that I'm-I'm very insecure about my back and, and...you're hugging me, so obviously you are not repulsed by it, yeah! Tag: Wait-wait a minute; that doesn't make any sense. Rachel: No? (He shakes his head) All right, here's the truth um, Joey said what he said, because um, I'm attracted to you. Tag: Wow. (He starts to walk towards the railing.) Rachel: Yeah, I admit it. I have a crush on you, and uh, and, and I know that's crazy because we work together, and-and nothing could ever happen, and the last thing I want to do is-is to freak you out or make you feel uncomfortable. Which is why it would be really great if you said something right about now. Tag: (looking at the street) Oh my god! Those guys are stealing my car! (He points down to the street) Rachel: What? Tag: Right there! That's my car! (Sound of a breaking car-window) Hey!! Rachel: Okay, that's gonna take them a minute. Do you have anything else you wanna get off your chest? Tag: I can't believe this! (He walks back in again) Rachel: (she hurries after him) Wait, we still have time to talk and they're-they're not even in the car yet! (She takes a quick look down the street.) Oh look, there they go, okay. (She hurries in too) [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Ross' apartment, Monica and Phoebe sitting on the floor next to Clunkers basket.] Monica: Okay Phoebe, we should probably go back now. Phoebe: (doing Clunkers) Please don't leave me, I'll be lonely. Monica: Stop it. Stop! Okay let's go. We can be strong. Phoebe: Yeah, okay. [They both get up and head for the door. Clunkers whines a little] Monica: Oh my god! Did you hear that? She said Monica! (She goes back to Clunkers again) Oooh, I can't leave her! Phoebe: You know if you want, we can sneak the dog back in and Chandler wouldn't even know. Monica: That's not gonna work. Phoebe: I've had that dog there for three days and Chandler had no idea. He's not so smart. Monica: Hey! I didn't know either. Phoebe: Yeah, but you kinda knew that something was going on, didn't you? Monica: Yeah, I knew. [Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's. Ross lays a lot of small papers, shaped like the U.S. states onto the floor making a map with the states. Phoebe enters] Phoebe: Where's Chandler? Chandler: (comes out of the bathroom) Here I am. Phoebe: Wash your hands!!! Chandler: How did you...know? (Heads back into the bathroom) [Phoebe waves Monica in. Monica sneaks in with the bag with Clunkers in it and heads for Phoebe's room.] Ross: Hey! What's she doing back here? Monica: Relax, Ross. She's not made of ice cream! Ross: Hey look, Phoebe. I, uh, I laid out the states geographically... Phoebe: (interrupts him) No, no, we don't really have time for this right now. Okay, we have to keep Chandler away from my bedroom. Ross: Yeah, but, but look what I'm... Phoebe: See, this is exactly what we do not have time for. (She rushes into her room) Chandler: (comes out of the bathroom) Where's Monica? Ross: Um, in Phoebe's room. You can't go in there. Chandler: Why not? (We can hear the dog whining at a high pitch.) Ross: Monica's crying. She's very upset about this whole Clunkers thing. Chandler: Well, I, I should go in there. Ross: No. No, no. She doesn't want to see you right now. Chandler: Why not? Ross: Because you sent away the dog! Chandler: This is ridiculous. (He heads for Phoebe's bedroom) Ross: Oh, is it? Is it? Look, when Monica and I were kids, we had a dog named Rover. And, uh, one day, my dad decides, he doesn't like dogs. So Monica and her friend...Phyllis...take away the dog. And that was the last time we ever saw him. Don't you see? This is just like that. Only with a few details changed. Joey: (entering) Okay, I'm in my sweat pants. Bring on the food! (Sees that Chandler has a worried look on his face) What's the matter? Chandler: Monica's all upset, because I sent Clunkers away. Joey: So? Bring the dog back, you're a hero. Chandler: Yeah, I can be a hero, I could do that. I could, I could do... I, w-w-what if, what if it attacks me? Joey: Chandler, it's like a big gerbil. Chandler: And that doesn't scare you? (He walks out) Joey: Ross, you need some help? Ross: From you? (He does a weird desperate laughter, like he's almost crying) Yes, please! Joey: (sits down next to Ross) First of all, Utah? Dude, you can't just make stuff up! [Time lapse, Ross still laying a lot out the states.] Ross: I hate America! When I finish this game, I swear I am moving. [Joey stands up again. Rachel enters the door] Joey: Hey! Tag's still talking to the police. Rachel: Yeah, ohh! Why, damnit, why did I open my mouth? (In a girlish voice) I have a crush on you; I am attracted to you. (Back to normal again) Gee, I-I know that I freaked him out Joey: If you said it like that, you probably did, yeah. [Rachel walks past Joey towards the couch] Phoebe: (opens her bedroom door and peeks out) Hey, is Chandler here? Chandler: No, no he went for a walk. Phoebe: Okay, but you cannot tell him... but look who's back! [The dog barks, runs out of Phoebe's room and jumps onto the couch] Rachel: (gasps) Hi! Joey: Oh No-no-no-no-no-no-no! He went over to Ross' to bring the dog back here! Phoebe: Oh no, the dog's not going to be there! Joey: You think? [The door opens and Chandler comes in. Rachel covers the door with a blanket] Monica: Hi, honey. Chandler: Please, please, please, don't be mad at me. Monica: What? Why, why would... Phoebe: (interrupts her, to Monica) Shh, wait and see. Maybe we will, maybe we won't. Chandler: Okay, I went over to Ross' apartment to bring back Clunkers. Y'know, for you, and...(Clears his throat) I left the door open and she must have gotten out and I looked everywhere, all over the apartment, including the roof, which FYI Ross, one of your neighbors, growing weed. I couldn't find him, and I am so, so, so, sorry. But I do know where we could all go ease the pain. (Points up and then over to the street) Phoebe: We have good news, look who's back! Rachel: (uncovers the dog) Hi! Chandler: Clunkers?! Oh my god! Monica: That's right, she came back all by herself. Phoebe: It's a Thanksgiving miracle! Chandler: (to Clunkers) It is so good to see you! Phoebe: Yeah, she came all the way back from Ross' building. Oh, the things she must have seen! And then she climbed up the fire escape and she tapped on the window with her teeny little paw and then we ran to let her in...(Realizes, that Chandler starts to not believe her) I went too far, didn't I? When should I have stopped? [Time lapse, after dinner. Ross stands up from his self-made map.] Ross: Okay, maybe this is so hard, because there aren't 50 states. Let me tell you something, I have 49 states, and there are no more! I-I think, I should be able to eat something. Chandler: It's up to you. [Ross whines and starts working again. The door opens and Tag enters.] Rachel: Oh, hi! How are you doing? Tag: I'm okay. I gotta go down to the police station and look at mug shots. Rachel: Oh. Tag: Thanks for having me over, you guys. Ross: Tag? Y-You're going? (Comes over to Tag) Uh we didn't, uh we didn't get the chance to talk. Uh, so, where did you say you're from again? Tag: Colorado. Ross: Ah, what good are you. (Walks back to his map dejectedly.) [Rachel and Tag go into the hall.] Rachel: Look, um, I think we should talk about what happened on the terrace. Tag: Okay. Rachel: Ah, I-I never should have said what I said. It-y'know what? It just doesn't matter how I feel. I mean we work together, so nothing could really ever happen between us, and what I would love is just to go to work on Monday, and-and never talk about this again, okay? Big day Monday lots to do. So, we're okay? Tag: Um, I'm not. Rachel: Oh, god, I knew it, that I freaked you out. Tag: No, you didn't. The only thing that freaked me out was you saying that nothing could ever happen between us. Rachel: Really? Tag: Yeah, so, please don't fire me for doing this. (He kisses her) Rachel: Okay, well, that's one less thing we have to do on Monday. Ending Credits [Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, later that night, there is someone knocking on the door and Chandler stumbles out into the living room, turns on the light, looks through the peephole, and opens the door.] Ross: Delaware! (Starting to cry.) Delaware! Chandler: All right. Ross: (hands Chandler his pad and walks in) I want my turkey now! Chandler: You got it. (Starts looking at the pad, while Ross gets the turkey out of the fridge and starts to unwrap it) You got Nevada twice. Ross: (pauses) I know. Chandler: Yeah. (Throws the pad on the table and heads for the bedroom)

Phoebe sneaks a dog into the apartment; Chandler reveals that he hates dogs. Ross becomes obsessed with naming all fifty U.S. states in order to earn his Thanksgiving dinner. After learning Tag broke up with his girlfriend and has nowhere to go for Thanksgiving, Rachel invites him to Monica and Chandler's apartment. She is hesitant about telling Tag her true feelings for him.

fd_Doctor_Who_1963_01x35

fd_Doctor_Who_1963_01x35_0

The Sensorites By Peter R. Newman 5:15pm - 5:40pm [SCENE_BREAK] 1, INT: AQUEDUCT ENTRANCE IAN: Is this it? SCIENTIST: Yes, take this. It's a radio-electric light. (Susan takes the torch.) SUSAN: Thank you. Ian, how do you feel? If you don't want to go any further just say. IAN: No, I'm-I'm fine. Come on. (They walk through the curtain of darkness.) [SCENE_BREAK] 2, INT: AQUEDUCT (The Doctor walks along the tunnel the light casting a slim pool of light in the all encompassing inky blackness.) DOCTOR: Is it? (He stoops to examine the base of one of the pipes and pulls out a tiny growth, examining it under a magnifying glass.) DOCTOR: Yes, I thought so. Atropa Belladonna - Deadly Nightshade! (He looks up in shock as he hears a bellowing roar somewhere close. Further along the aqueduct Ian and Susan are cautiously making their way.) SUSAN: What is it Ian? IAN: I don't know. SUSAN: Are you alright? IAN: Yes. SUSAN: Lean on me. DOCTOR: Keep away! Keep away! (There is another bellowing roar.) SUSAN: Grandfather! (They rush forwards through the gloom and comes across the prone form of the Doctor. Ian stoops to examine him.) IAN: He's unconscious. Here, help me to get him out of here. SUSAN: Oh, look at the state he's in! (As Ian tries to lift the Doctor the back of his frock coat is revealed to be torn to shreds.) IAN: No, don't worry about that, collect up his things. We don't want to hang around here. (The bellow begins to recede.) IAN: It's going away. (As Susan stoops to pick up the Doctor's things she notices a small vacant hole in the side of the tunnel.) SUSAN: Ian! Ian, what do you think this is? IAN: I dunno, part of an old lighting system I suppose. Don't worry about that now, let's get him out of here. Before that thing comes back. (Ian heaves the softly moaning form of the Doctor to his feet.) [SCENE_BREAK] 3, INT: LABORATORY RICHMOND: Can't just give up! You know the aqueduct, surely you can help them in some way! FIRST-ELDER: I regret it is impossible. You have no conception of what extreme sound does to us. It stuns the brain and paralyses the nerves. SCIENTIST: And in the darkness we are helpless anyway, our warriors would be more of a hindrance than a help. RICHMOND: Is there no hope for them then? FIRST-ELDER: Let us talk of your companion, the man John. The senior Scientist tells me that he is making excellent progress. The final treatment will given today. RICHMOND: Thank you. FIRST-ELDER: You are sad for the friends you have lost. Rejoice for the friend who is being returned to you. (He moves over to the Scientist.) FIRST-ELDER: Scientist, you will report to me on your progress. SCIENTIST: I will sir. RICHMOND: Those poor people. [SCENE_BREAK] 4, INT: AQUEDUCT ENTRANCE (The Doctor seems to have recovered consciousness, but is still looking a little worse for wear. He sits panting and holding his coat which is torn to shreds along the back.) SUSAN: Grandfather just look at this coat, it's ruined. IAN: Those look like claw marks. Strange that they didn't reach the skin. (Ian examines the coat.) DOCTOR: Yeah, strange indeed when you realise that I was at the mercy of that creature! It was so dark in there it was invisible and it knocked me to the ground. IAN: Are you sure you didn't see it? DOCTOR: No-no-no, something hit me under the heart and it was most unpleasant. It's a good thing I'd sent you that antidote. SUSAN: Oh, we... DOCTOR: Otherwise I'd've been in a much state...much worse state than I was. SUSAN: We didn't get the antidote, I had to go all the way back to the laboratory and get some more. DOCTOR: What?! IAN: Yes, surrounded by enemies. DOCTOR: Yes true, true. That water, and those monsters in there. And now it appears that there's someone among the Sensorites that bear us ill will. That's two separate enemies. IAN: Don't you mean three? DOCTOR: No-no-no, don't mistake me. The water and the monsters are distinctly connected, but I've more or less solved that problem. But this Sensorite who is against us is a much greater danger. Now I suggest that we go back and try to find out which one it is. (Puffing and panting, he and Ian walk off still supporting each other. As they leave the face of the Engineer peers from around the back of the pipes.) [SCENE_BREAK] 5, INT: LABORATORY JOHN: Treachery... RICHMOND: He keeps on saying the same things. JOHN: A plot...I must warn you. RICHMOND: I'm sure he's discovered something or he's overheard something and he's trying to tell us. JOHN: Yes, tell you...warn you... RICHMOND: You see? SCIENTIST: It must be illusion. Our society is based upon trust; treason or secret plotting is impossible. RICHMOND: That's rather a sweeping statement. SCIENTIST: But why should a Sensorite make any secret plans against anyone? We have the perfect society, all are contented. RICHMOND: Some people always want more than others. SCIENTIST: That is a human quality, surely. (The Scientist wanders across the room for a moment and Carol turns to John.) RICHMOND: Perhaps. Rest quietly now John, it won't be long. (The Scientist returns from his task.) RICHMOND: You were trying to explain something to me earlier. SCIENTIST: We discovered long ago that in our brains there were many different compartments. When fear and alarm is at work, that section becomes open, a veil is lifted, do you understand. RICHMOND: Yes. SCIENTIST: That is what has happened to the man John, but the veil will not lower itself. Thus he is constantly afraid, even when he's at peace. When he's asleep for example; the body says one thing, the brain the other - thus his condition. Utter confusion. RICHMOND: And this treatment you're giving him is in order to close down that veil? SCIENTIST: Yes. Not permanently of course, or he would step into danger without concern, the veil must function normally again. RICHMOND: It's rather like an eyelid isn't it? Oh, these shutters over my eyes. (She touches an eye.) SCIENTIST: Hah, yes. To see all the time is not a good thing. Now we must begin. RICHMOND: Yes. (The Scientist moves away to his equipment again and Carol returns to John. RICHMOND: I'll be here all the time John. JOHN: Carol. (She moves a little closer.) RICHMOND: Yes, that's right. JOHN: I must tell you, but it's so difficult... RICHMOND: Soon you'll be able to tell me all you've found out. [SCENE_BREAK] 6, INT: DISINTEGRATOR ROOM ENGINEER: There is no mistake City Administrator, I saw the Doctor and the other two leave the aqueduct. I heard them over...over...t-talking. He too is suspicious. ADMINISTRATOR: The creature John is nearly cured, he too can speak against me. We are nearly surrounded by our enemies. SECOND-ELDER: You will be uncovered as a traitor and a criminal. ADMINISTRATOR: Silence! ENGINEER: What are we to do? ADMINISTRATOR: These Earth creature are working to destroy the Sensorite nation. Their pleasant smiles conceal sharp teeth. Their soft words conceal hidden threats. SECOND-ELDER: Please don't listen. (The Second Elder reaches out towards the worker, and his hand gets slapped away.) ADMINISTRATOR: And who opposes them? These timid creatures, like this second Elder whose sash I wear. SECOND-ELDER: Thief! ADMINISTRATOR: Weakling! Betrayer of our people! coward! I should imprison you in some room wherein no light can shine and fill that room with noise! (He thumps the side of the seat.) SECOND-ELDER: Oh...do it then. Finish with me. ADMINISTRATOR: Not yet. Remember, I hold your family group. First you shall do something for me. Summon the senior Warrior with your mind-transmitter. (He presents the Second Elder with his Thought Amplification Disc.) ADMINISTRATOR: Tell him to bring the firing key of the disintegrator and meet you in the forecourt of the palace. SECOND-ELDER: No. ADMINISTRATOR: Remember your family group. SECOND-ELDER: Very well. (He takes the disc from the Administrator.) ADMINISTRATOR: I shall be listening. Stand over over him, stun him if he sends his mind to anyone other than the senior warrior. Now send this thought: Senior Warrior, this is the Second Elder... (As the whistling tone begins again, the Second Elder takes the disc from his forehead for a moment.) ADMINISTRATOR: Go on, send it! (He resumes with the message.) ADMINISTRATOR: Good! [SCENE_BREAK] 7, INT: ROOF TERRACE (The senior Warrior listens in with his TAD pressed to his forehead.) [SCENE_BREAK] 8, INT: DISINTEGRATOR ROOM ADMINISTRATOR: He's answering! Tell him to bring the firing key and meet you in the courtyard of the Palace of the Elders. (The Administrator snatches away the disc and the whistling fades away.) ADMINISTRATOR: That is enough. I shall keep the appointment you have made. The senior Warrior shall know me by the sash I wear - your sash! Guard him well. (The Administrator leaves the room.) SECOND-ELDER: Why do you listen to him, why do you follow him? ENGINEER: He will not betray our people, nor surrender our planet! SECOND-ELDER: He will bring us all down, all of us. ENGINEER: Be silent! SECOND-ELDER: All of us! [SCENE_BREAK] 9, INT: ROOF TERRACE DOCTOR: Well you've been exerting yourself boy, naturally you're weak. SUSAN: He can rest now can't he Grandfather? We'll force him to. IAN: I wish you two'd stop fussing over me. DOCTOR: Now, now, now, you must do as you are told and that is that! (The Doctor looks over and sees what appears to be the Second Elder talking with the senior Warrior. The Warrior hands over the metal rod.) DOCTOR: Isn't that one of the Elders? SUSAN: Oh that's the second Elder, he's only got one sash. DOCTOR: Now take it easy, I want a word with him. (As the Administrator attempts to scurry away the Doctor pursues him.) DOCTOR: I say, you sir! Sir, I'd like a word with you... (The Warrior looks in the Doctor's direction, then walks away.) SUSAN: It's a funny place down here isn't it? IAN: What about up there? I wonder how Barbara's getting on? SUSAN: Mm, I wish she were down here with us. IAN: I wish were were up there in the TARDIS and away from here. Still, I know what you mean. Hey, why don't we ask the first Elder if Barbara can come down and join us here? SUSAN: Yes! DOCTOR: Hmph! Most extraordinary, he ran away from me! SUSAN: That must have looked very funny. Hehehe. (She does an impression of a running Sensorite.) SUSAN: Flip-flap, flip-flap... (And giggles.) DOCTOR: I assure you he was very mobile, my child! Come along, let's get into the first Elder's room. Come along... [SCENE_BREAK] 10, INT: DISINTEGRATOR ROOM (The Administrator returns with the disintegrator firing key and glances at the second Elder.) ADMINISTRATOR: Why have you not retied his hands? (As the worker moves to tie the second Elder up he gazes at the piece of metal in his hands.) ADMINISTRATOR: Now... Now I have the power! (Before the worker can tie his hands the second Elder jumps up and snatches the firing key from the Administrator. He presses the metal rod against a corner of the disintegrator, and with both hands he pushes his whole weight on the key bending it out of shape.) ADMINISTRATOR: Stop him you fool! (The Administrator rushes up to the second Elder, but is thrown back against the wall. The worker rushes up and clubs the second Elder to the ground with his fist, then examines him. Getting up, the Administrator picks up the firing key, but it is beyond repair.) ADMINISTRATOR: He has broken it! ENGINEER: The second Elder is dead! ADMINISTRATOR: The only other firing key is in the possession the first Elder. ENGINEER: Then we shall have to give up. We must leave the city, hide in the mountains! ADMINISTRATOR: No-no, don't be silly. The death of the second Elder can help us, not condemn us. We must act quickly, you know the man called the Doctor? ENGINEER: Yes. ADMINISTRATOR: You can describe him? ENGINEER: Yes. ADMINISTRATOR: Good! Then I will outline my plan to you. [SCENE_BREAK] 11, INT: RECEPTION ROOM FIRST-ELDER: Yes I have asked questions. The first supply of the antidote which you sent, Doctor, was intercepted by my second Elder; my advisor. And he has since disappeared. SUSAN: Well we saw him in the courtyard. FIRST-ELDER: His behaviour is a mystery. DOCTOR: Yes, strange indeed sir. I tried to talk to him and he ran away. IAN: Yes, you still won't accept that he's done something bad. FIRST-ELDER: I cannot. I selected him for office, but it is not pride which make me...makes me defend my choice. I know that Sensorite, I trust him. DOCTOR: And yet you can't explain his actions. FIRST-ELDER: A mystery does not mean that he is guilty. (A worker Sensorite walks over and bows at the Elder.) FIRST-ELDER: For the Doctor. (The Doctor stands and Sensorite drapes a long black cloak around his shoulders.) DOCTOR: My dear sir, that's most civil of you! I ruined my jacket down in the aqueduct, but of course I have others on my ship. Haha, thank you. SUSAN: Very smart. DOCTOR: Beau Brummell always said I look better in a cloak! (They laugh. The Administrator approaches the first Elder holding the bent firing key.) FIRST-ELDER: The city Administrator wishes to speak? ADMINISTRATOR: Urgently sir. A story has been put before me that you should hear. FIRST-ELDER: Now? ADMINISTRATOR: It concerns the second Elder and these Earth creatures. FIRST-ELDER: Very well. (The Administrator moves to the back of the room.) ADMINISTRATOR: Enter. (The worker Sensorite and the senior Warrior enter and approach the first Elder.) ADMINISTRATOR: Tell your story. ENGINEER: Sir, the second Elder is dead. (The first Elder jumps to his feet.) ENGINEER: He was killed in the courtyard. I saw the man who killed him. FIRST-ELDER: The man? ENGINEER: Yes sir. It was the man called the Doctor. SUSAN: Well that's not true! ADMINISTRATOR: The senior Warrior here has evidence. Speak! WARRIOR: I met the second Elder in the courtyard as he asked me to. I gave him the firing k-key of the disintegrator as he asked me to. Then I saw the Doctor go after the second Elder calling him. DOCTOR: Yes, I did that, but I didn't kill him. ENGINEER: I saw you! You wrestled for possession of the firing key. ADMINISTRATOR: There is the firing key, bent as though in a struggle. ENGINEER: And finally, when the second Elder resisted, you took an object from inside your coat and struck him down and killed him! FIRST-ELDER: This is a grave charge. IAN: But obviously untrue sir. FIRST-ELDER: Why? (Ian gets up and approaches the worker Sensorite with the air of a professional barrister.) IAN: How did you recognise the Doctor? ENGINEER: His hair is different. (Ian nods with an air of calm skepticism.) IAN: Yes... ENGINEER: So are his clothes. IAN: Oh yes, his clothes. You say you saw him take an object from his pocket? ENGINEER: Yes. IAN: You could see quite clearly, you were sure it was from his coat pocket? ENGINEER: I tell you yes! All the Sensorites know the Doctor by his... (The Doctor regally gets to his feet and draws one side of the cloak around him with an air of a Georgian peer.) IAN: The Doctor's coat is outside the aqueduct, you are lying! ENGINEER: Then...then it...it was a cloak he was wearing! Yes it was, I'm sure of it now - it was a cloak! (The first Elder steps forward sternly.) FIRST-ELDER: I have just presented the Doctor with that cloak. Your story is a tissue of lies, remove him. (The warrior leads the worker out by the arm, past the Administrator.) ADMINISTRATOR: I shall interview you myself. (The Warrior and prisoner depart.) ADMINISTRATOR: Sir, you must forgive his wild accusation, but I felt his story should be brought before you. (The first Elder stares sadly forward.) FIRST-ELDER: Oh, you acted correctly. What can have possessed my advisor? ADMINISTRATOR: The second Elder, sir, was always opposed to our visitors. P-perhaps he stole the firing key in order to attack them with the disintegrator? SUSAN: I bet he stole our antidote too! He was our enemy. FIRST-ELDER: A sad matter, but since he has deceived us my sympathies should not be wasted. As to his replacement... ADMINISTRATOR: I have his sash of office here so that you may choose an advisor immediately. (Ian whispers to the others.) IAN: Perhaps he ought not to look further than this room? SUSAN: Yes! If he thought he got promotion because of us, he'd be a useful ally. DOCTOR: Just what I was thinking. (The Doctor gets up and approaches the first Elder.) DOCTOR: Yes, of course sir, we have no wish to interfere in your affairs, but the er, city Administrator seems to have all the qualifications. FIRST-ELDER: Well, what do you say? Can you accept such power? ADMINISTRATOR: My only ambition is to serve the Sensorite nation. FIRST-ELDER: Then accept this sash. (He places the sash into the Administrator.) FIRST-ELDER: I make you my advisor, from now on you will be known as the second Elder, second only on the Sense-Sphere to me. And once this order has been made, only a betrayal of trust can set it aside. (The Administrator hands over his collar of office.) FIRST-ELDER: My new advisor and I have much to discuss. You will excuse us? DOCTOR: Certainly sir. My companions and I will pay a visit to the man John and note his progress. (As they move off Susan stops.) SUSAN: Oh, you were going to ask about Barbara. IAN: I don't think this is quite the moment. I'll ask later. (He pauses beside the new second Elder a moment.) IAN: Oh, and er, congratulations. EX-ADMINISTRATOR: When you address one of the Elders you call him sir! (Ian frowns and leaves.) [SCENE_BREAK] 12, INT: LABORATORY SCIENTIST: Now we shall know. (Carol's face blurs in and out of focus before John.) RICHMOND: John? John? JOHN: Such a headache... SCIENTIST: That will go quickly. JOHN: It's easing now. (He looks at Carol and smiles.) JOHN: Carol. (She screws up her face.) JOHN: You're crying. RICHMOND: I'm alright, really I am. It's just that I haven't seen you smile for so long. JOHN: But we can't have you crying can we? (He gets up from the couch.) JOHN: I'm alright now, I'm alright. That pain's gone quite suddenly. Was it awful? RICHMOND: Oh! (She hugs him.) RICHMOND: All that matters is how you are now. JOHN: What have I been like all this time? RICHMOND: Don't you remember? JOHN: Some things. But mostly there seems a sort of grey cloud. I just remember that...that it seems a very long time. RICHMOND: Yes. Oh John, I can't tell you how I feel. How glad. SCIENTIST: It is indeed a time of happiness for both of you. RICHMOND: oh, this is the Scientist who cured you. JOHN: Then I have a lot to thank you for. (John extends his hand to the Sensorite who just looks at it blankly.) SCIENTIST: What do you ask for? JOHN: Oh, we have a custom of shaking hands with people in friendship. (John shakes hands with the Scientist and Carol giggles. Just then, the Doctor walks through the door followed by Susan and Ian.) DOCTOR: Well, well, what a happy scene, mm! SUSAN: Do you remember us? (John smiles at Susan.) JOHN: I remember you distinctly. IAN: Well I'm Ian, and this is the Doctor, Susan's Grandfather. DOCTOR: I'm glad to see you don't bear a grudge against the Sensorites for the past. RICHMOND: All that matters now is the present. DOCTOR: Splendid! (He walks over to the Scientist and leads him away.) DOCTOR: Now sir, the antidote. I wonder if you are aware, mm... JOHN: I remember another girl. SUSAN: Oh, that's Barbara, we both found you. She's up in the spaceship. JOHN: Oh I see. RICHMOND: John, all the time you were ill you were trying to warn us of something. JOHN: Mm, there was a Sensorite here who was dangerous. I must try and remember what happened. I know there was a plot. (The ex-Administrator silently enters the room in his second Elder's sash.) JOHN: That's right, someone was plotting against you. EX-ADMINISTRATOR: And this Sensorite, can you identify him? JOHN: No. EX-ADMINISTRATOR: Is he in this room? JOHN: No. There was something particularly odd about his clothes I remember, but exactly what... EX-ADMINISTRATOR: Yes, it must have been the Sensorite who has just died. JOHN: Yes I suppose it must. EX-ADMINISTRATOR: The first Elder wishes to talk to the Doctor. You will inform him! SUSAN: Alright! JOHN: He's not very friendly. SUSAN: Well he's only just become second Elder, I should think he's trying out his new authority. RICHMOND: I wouldn't like to cross him. (A little way away Ian and the Doctor are examining artifacts on a table.) DOCTOR: And what is this little collection of things here? (Ian picks something up from the table.) SCIENTIST: Left behind by the humans that were killed in the spaceship explosion. DOCTOR: I see. (The Doctor reads a document.) IAN: Oh look at these Doctor, family snapshots. Hah! Look. DOCTOR: Yes, now just a moment, this is important. IAN: Oh? DOCTOR: This is a rough plan of the aqueduct. SCIENTIST: One of the human beings was very interested in the aqueduct. DOCTOR: Is that so? SUSAN: Grandfather, the first Elder wants to talk to you. DOCTOR: Oh yes, I have a couple of questions for him. SCIENTIST: This is only a sketch, I can let you have a plan in detail if you wish. DOCTOR: Mm, very valuable, very valuable. SCIENTIST: The city Administrator can have no objection. DOCTOR: Oh. SUSAN: The city Administrator! DOCTOR: What about him? SUSAN: Of course! DOCTOR: Mm? SUSAN: John, you know you said there was something odd about the Sensorite? W-was it his collar? JOHN: Collar, yes! That was it! SUSAN: Oh you see, the city Administrator - he was our enemy! IAN: What, the one who's just been made second Elder? SUSAN: Yes! When John was ill he must have given himself away. IAN: Yes, he was certainly pretty odd with me. DOCTOR: If this is true what you say Susan, then there's trouble ahead for us. That Sensorite has power now. IAN: Yes, and the worst of it is, we gave him the power. [SCENE_BREAK] 13, INT: DISINTEGRATOR ROOM EX-ADMINISTRATOR: You were not to know that the Doctor had changed his coat. I managed your escape from prison and that is all that matters. ENGINEER: I am grateful, but what use am I now? EX-ADMINISTRATOR: I still have a task for you. (The ex-Administrator opens a box which contains two hand-ray weapons.) EX-ADMINISTRATOR: You are accomplished in mechanical matters? ENGINEER: Yes, but what do you want me to do? EX-ADMINISTRATOR: Can you remove the mechanisms from these, but leave them looking perfect from the outside? ENGINEER: Yes. EX-ADMINISTRATOR: Then do it! [SCENE_BREAK] 14, INT: RECEPTION ROOM IAN: It's no use telling him stories about the second Elder, Doctor, we've got to give him proof. (The first Elder walks through the doorway.) DOCTOR: Yes, I quite agree. And the only way to get that proof is to go back into the aqueduct. IAN: Mm. DOCTOR: What about Susan? IAN: Look, why don't you ask the first Elder if we can have Barbara down here again? DOCTOR: A good idea! FIRST-ELDER: Gentlemen, be seated. (They sit together on a low bench.) DOCTOR: Yes sir, thank you. IAN: Well sir, the Doctor and I have discussed this poison business, and we are convinced that your water supply is being deliberately poisoned. DOCTOR: What we propose to do sir, is to go down into the aqueduct, find your enemies and stop them. FIRST-ELDER: Very well, but you will take light with you, and such arms as we can provide. DOCTOR: Thank you. (The first Elder presses his TAD to his forehead and the whistling tone starts up again. The Doctor whispers to Ian.) DOCTOR: We're making progress. IAN: Barbara. (The Doctor turns back to the first Elder.) DOCTOR: I wonder sir, could I ask you a small favour? FIRST-ELDER: Ask it. DOCTOR: Er, we have a companion, a young lady on the ship. Er, is it possible for her to be brought down here in the sense-Sphere, mm? FIRST-ELDER: It will be arranged. DOCTOR: Oh, splendid sir, splendid! WARRIOR: I have brought the weapons sir. FIRST-ELDER: Ah, thank you Warrior. Instruct them as to their use. (The Warrior opens the box to reveal two hand-rays.) [SCENE_BREAK] 15, INT: ROOF TERRACE EX-ADMINISTRATOR: It is done. I have arranged that the two useless weapons be delivered to the humans. Hide yourself. (The Sensorite moves behind the fountain as a messenger walks by.) EX-ADMINISTRATOR: What have you there? MESSENGER: A map of the aqueduct sir. The Doctor asked for it. EX-ADMINISTRATOR: Give it to me, I will deliver it. Return to your duties. MESSENGER: Thank you sir. (He hands it over, bows and then leaves.) MESSENGER: The plan of the aqueduct. Quickly, change some of the routes on this, and see that the messenger delivers it to the Doctor. ENGINEER: It shall be done. EX-ADMINISTRATOR: Now, not only shall they go down into the aqueduct with useless armaments, but they will be hopelessly lost as well! [SCENE_BREAK] 16, INT: RECEPTION ROOM (Ian examines a hand-ray.) IAN: Very simple to use Doctor. (He offers it to the Doctor who moves his arm aside.) DOCTOR: Yeah...er, careful! WARRIOR: The range is considerable. The ray paralyses up to a distance of thirty yards. DOCTOR: Yes, yes, splendid. And remember dear boy, that I will be standing nearly next to you! I have never liked weapons at any time, however they're handy little things. Tell me, how long does this paralysis last? WARRIOR: One hour. DOCTOR: Fine, fine. Well these weapons are splendid, sir. Without a doubt they'll help us to make success. FIRST-ELDER: And yet I do not envy you your adventure. I still wish I could dissuade you. DOCTOR: Yes, and that brings me to another problem, my Granddaughter Susan. She's bound to want to come with us. IAN: I don't think she ought to Doctor. DOCTOR: No. I agree with you my boy, we must go and not tell her, and avoid any arguments. I wonder sir, would you mind keeping a small secret until we're well and truly away? FIRST-ELDER: Very well. DOCTOR: Yes, thank you. After all, there's no danger now we have these protectors. And I'm sure we can settle our little business in an hour or two. (A messenger arrives, bows and presents the Doctor with a scroll before leaving.) FIRST-ELDER: Ah, the map of the aqueduct. DOCTOR: Oh, excellent sir, excellent! IAN: Well... Let's go and make an enemy, Doctor. DOCTOR: Now, you're quite sure you're up to it? IAN: Quite. DOCTOR: Splendid, lead the way. Sir. (The Doctor bows to the first Elder and then moves off.) WARRIOR: They are brave people sir. (The first Elder looks sad at the prospect of the certain demise of the Doctor and Ian.) FIRST-ELDER: We will not regret having known them. WARRIOR: I am glad they were innocent of killing the second Elder, sir. FIRST-ELDER: Yes, I am anxious about that. You realise that if they did not kill my advisor then he must have been killed by a Sensorite? WARRIOR: But who would do such a thing? FIRST-ELDER: Who, yes. But also I ask myself; why was it done? [SCENE_BREAK] 17, INT: LABORATORY (Susan is setting bowls of strange Sensorite fruits onto a table.) JOHN: I've never felt so hungry. RICHMOND: Oh won't it be wonderful when we get back to the Earth, John? How I long for a thick, juicy steak! JOHN: Mm, well you'll have to make do with a small juicy fruit! (Carol and Susan laugh.) SUSAN: I wonder where they're up to, where they've gone to? I wonder what they're talking about for all this time? RICHMOND: Oh, well I expect they're arranging for our return into the spaceship. SUSAN: Oh. [SCENE_BREAK] 19, INT: AQUEDUCT ENTRANCE (The Doctor and Ian pause by the grimy, rattling pipes at the entrance to the aqueduct. Then step through into the inky void.) [SCENE_BREAK] 20, INT: LABORATORY RICHMOND: I think I'll go over to the Palace of the Elders and try and hurry them up. SUSAN: Oh, would you Carol? Thank you. JOHN: Tell them I'm starving. CAROL: Alright. (Carol walks out of the door and Susan closes it behind her.) SUSAN: John I... I'm so happy that you're better now, so's Carol. Well you can see that for yourself. JOHN: Mm, she's had a bad time. You know, I have a feeling that we'll both give up space travelling when we get back to Earth. SUSAN: Oh and get married? JOHN: Mm, she's all I really care about. Come on, let's eat. I'm tired of waiting. (They tuck into the fruits.) [SCENE_BREAK] 21, INT: ROOF TERRACE (Carol walks along the terrace. She pauses momentarily beside the fountain. Looking around, she frowns and begins to move off again when a hand clamps over her mouth and she is dragged away.)

The Doctor, Ian, Barbara and Susan arrive in the TARDIS on board aspaceship. Their initial concern is for the ship's human crew, who are suffering from telepathic interference from the Sensorites, but Susan communicates with the Sensorites and finds the aliens fear an attack by the humans and are just defending themselves. Travelling to the Sense Sphere (the Sensorites' planet) the Doctor seeks to cure an illness to which the Sensorites and Ian have succumbed, but finds it has been caused by deliberate poisoning. The political manoeuvring of the Sensorite City Administrator poses another threat to the TARDIS crew as he seeks to discredit and implicate them.

fd_Downton_Abbey_02x06

fd_Downton_Abbey_02x06_0

[OPENING CREDITS] [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. DOWNTON ABBEY, GROUNDS - DAY] [SCENE_BREAK] [Mary pushes Matthew's wheelchair across the grounds.] Lady Mary: I shall have arms like Jack Johnson if I'm not careful. Matthew Crawley: I'm strong enough to wheel myself. Lady Mary: I'll be the judge of that. [They pass a couple of officers with a nurse.] Officer: Morning. Matthew Crawley: I keep thinking about William. How he should be here. Not exactly instead of me, but sacrifice should be rewarded. He was the brave one. Lady Mary: You were both brave. And I don't think we can "should" about things that happen in war. It just happens. And we should live with it. [Carlisle and Robert watch them from the house window.] Sir Richard Carlisle: Ought I to be jealous? [Robert doesn't reply.] Robert, Earl of Grantham: I'm sorry, what were we talking about? Sir Richard Carlisle: I was asking about Hacksby Park. I'm taking Mary over there tomorrow. Lady Edith: Our Hacksby Park? Why? Are the Russells selling? Sir Richard Carlisle: Not officially, but I'm told they're open to offers. Robert, Earl of Grantham: Sad. The Russells and the Crawleys have been neighbours for centuries. Sir Richard Carlisle: They're not living there anymore. Robert, Earl of Grantham: It'll be strange for Mary. She's been going to that house ever since she was a little girl in a party dress. Lady Edith: We all have Sir Richard Carlisle: There's nowhere better near Downton. Robert, Earl of Grantham: I'm not sure how comfortable it is. Sir Richard Carlisle: Well, it will be comfortable when I'm finished with it. Central heating, modern kitchens, bathrooms with every bedroom. It's all possible. Robert, Earl of Grantham: Sounds more like an hotel. [Mr Carson enters to introduce a visitor.] Mr Carson: Major Clarkson. Dr Clarkson: Good morning Lord Grantham. Lady Edith. Sir. [Nods to each of them. Dr Clarkson: We've had a request. A Canadian major has asked to come here because of a family link with the house. We've taken officers from his regiment before, but I wanted to be sure you had no objection. Lady Edith: What's his name? Dr Clarkson: Gordon. Patrick Gordon. He was with Princess Patricia's Canadian Light Infantry at Passchendaele, caught in a blast and burned rather badly, I believe. Robert, Earl of Grantham: Poor fellow. Well, he's perfectly welcome. I'm not aware of how we are connected, but you never know. Dr Clarkson: Sir. [Clarkson nods and exits.] [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. SERVANTS' HALL - DAY] Jane: I've never worked in a house where a valet and a housemaid were wed. Anna: It'll be unusual, I agree. O'Brien: Hope it doesn't break us up, having you two set apart in a home of your own all special while the rest of us muddle on for ourselves. Anna: You sound as if you're jealous. O'Brien: I'm not jealous. I just don't want it to spoil things. Mr Bates: Why? Because we've all been such pals until now? [Daisy enters with a tray, a black mourning band on her arm. She sees them look at her for a moment and she exits without a word.] Anna: Give her time. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CRAWLEY HOUSE - DAY] Cora, Countess of Grantham: Matthew's making such progress. Isobel Crawley: I think so. But are we doing enough for him, for all of them, when it comes to rehabilitation? They're going to have to face a very different world after the war. Cora, Countess of Grantham: I agree. But they'll all be leaving Downton soon. Isobel Crawley: Leaving? Cora, Countess of Grantham: Well, Turkey's about to capitulate, and Robert says Vittorio Veneto will finish Austria. So, it's only a matter of weeks, even days, before it's over. We wouldn't send anyone home too soon, of course, but sometime in the new year, we will have our house back. Isobel Crawley: So you want it just to be a private house again? Violet, Dowager Countess of Grantham: Well, shouldn't she? Or would you like to abolish private houses? Isobel Crawley: Well, that life of changing clothes and killing things and eating them, do you really want it again? Wouldn't you rather Downton was useful? Cora, Countess of Grantham: Oh, but it-- the house is useful. We provide employment and-- Isobel Crawley: Oh, please. Let me look into keeping it open as a centre of recovery. [Violet and Cora gape at Isobel.] Isobel Crawley: I could run it. The house could be so much more than it was before. Violet, Dowager Countess of Grantham: What about you, Molesley? Are you looking forward to this brave new world of Mrs Crawley's imaginings? Mr Molesley: I'm glad of my job, milady, and I should very much like to hold onto it, with Mrs Crawley's permission. [Violet smiles as Molesley exits.] Isobel Crawley: Servants are always far more conservative than their employers. Everyone knows that. Violet, Dowager Countess of Grantham: Then I must be the exception that proves the rule. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. DOWNTON, DRAWING ROOM - DAY] [SCENE_BREAK] [The badly burned and bandaged Major Patrick Gordon looks at family photos.] Lady Edith: Hello. My name's Edith Crawley-- Patrick Gordon: Lady Edith Crawley. I know. Second daughter of the house. Lady Edith: In charge of non-medical welfare. So, whatever you need in the way of errands run or books to read, then I'm your man. Patrick Gordon: Thank you. I--I hope this doesn't put you off. Lady Edith: I can assure you, at this stage there isn't much that puts me off. Patrick Gordon: Did they tell you we're related? [Patrick steps through the doorway, into the light. Edith is shocked by his facial scars.] Lady Edith: Er, yes. But I'm afraid I'm not much good at family history. Although, Papa's found an aunt in 1860 who married a Gordon. Perhaps that's a clue. Patrick Gordon: N--no. That isn't it. Lady Edith: Well, a--as I say, I'm hopeless. [Edith continues to avoid looking at him and turns to leave.] Patrick Gordon: I thought you'd recognize my voice, but of course I sound Canadian now. Lady Edith: You mean we've met before? Patrick Gordon: It was a long time ago. [Sybil steps in for a moment in her nurse's uniform.] Lady Sybil: Edith? I need you [Edith leaves with her.] [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. SERVANTS' HALL - DAY] [SCENE_BREAK] [Jane follows Daisy with a pamphlet while Daisy does her chores.] Jane: It just explains what you're entitled to. Daisy Mason: That's kind, but let's face it, I'm not a widow, am I? Not really. Jane: Of course you are. Daisy Mason: No, I'm not. How long was I married? Six hours? Seven? I shouldn't've taken his name, except it were what he wanted. Jane: Well... [Jane puts the pamphlet on the table.] Jane: I'll leave it with you. [Jane leaves and Daisy turns to go.] Mrs Patmore: Daisy, it wouldn't please William if you don't take what's owing. He wanted you to be looked after Daisy Mason: No. You made me a liar while he was alive. You'll not make me be false to his memory. [Daisy leaves Mrs Patmore to think on that.] [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. GUEST BEDROOM - EVENING] [SCENE_BREAK] [Someone knocks at the door while Carlisle's valet helps him dress.] Sir Richard Carlisle: You can leave me, Brookes. Mr Brookes: Yes, sir. Mr Carson: Mr Bates said you wanted to see me, sir. [Carlisle's valet leaves.] Sir Richard Carlisle: Ah, yes. I asked you up here because I want to offer you a job. Mr Carson: I have a job, sir. Sir Richard Carlisle: Yes, of course you do. I'm sure you enjoy it. I don't mean to suggest I'm offering a better one. [Carson fetches Carlisle his dinner jacket.] Sir Richard Carlisle: Thank you. Although, it would mean a considerable increase in salary. Lady Mary and I intend to buy a home near Downton. It's a long way from London, but I've made enough money to please myself these days. I know she holds you in high regard. I believe she would very much appreciate your help when she first sets up house as a bride. Mr Carson: You mean, you wish me to leave Downton Abbey and transfer-- Sir Richard Carlisle: Tomorrow we go to see Hacksby Park. If we buy it, we'll take on the whole twelve-thousand acres. Mr Carson: No doubt you will discover many interesting walks to enjoy. Sir Richard Carlisle: Of course it's run down, but there's nothing wrong with it that money can't fix. So...what do you think? Mr Carson: One thing I must ask. Is Lady Mary aware that you have approached me? Sir Richard Carlisle: Not yet. I wanted to surprise her. She thinks highly of you, Carson. I hope I won't be taking on a rival. Mr Carson: I await Lady Mary's instruction. [Carson leaves.] [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. GREAT HALL - EVENING] Violet, Dowager Countess of Grantham: I don't dislike him, I just don't like him, which is quite different. Robert, Earl of Grantham: Did he talk about Hacksby? He's got ghastly plans for the place. Of course, Cora doesn't agree. Cora, Countess of Grantham: I'm an American. I don't share your English hatred of comfort. Robert, Earl of Grantham: Downton's comfortable enough for me. I can't wait to have it back. Cora, Countess of Grantham: That's if Cousin Isobel allows it. She turned up today with a hideous list of projects that stretch to 1920 and beyond. Robert, Earl of Grantham: Hmm. Violet, Dowager Countess of Grantham: Well, surely you can put her off Cora, Countess of Grantham: I don't know how once the bit's between her teeth. Violet, Dowager Countess of Grantham: Well, change the bridle. Find a cause that needs her more than Downton. Cora, Countess of Grantham: She's such a martyr Violet, Dowager Countess of Grantham: Then we must tempt her with a more enticing scaffold. [Violet leaves for the evening.] [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. SERVANTS' HALL - EVENING] Mr Bates: We're safe. We got the decree [?]. I'm sure it's all right. Anna: Except you're not sure. O'Brien: Not sure about what? Jane: What about you Sergeant? Have you started planning for after the war? Thomas: Not really, not yet. Mrs Patmore: I know what you should be doing. I know what we should all be doing. Thomas: Oh yeah? What's that? Mrs Patmore: Hording. It may be wrong, but this rationing is starting to bite, even with everyone's books, I'd a battle to get enough sugar for this week. Thomas: Are you suggesting the black market, Mrs Patmore? I'm shocked. Mrs Patmore: Oh, I doubt that very much. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. SERVANTS' CORRIDOR - EVENING] [SCENE_BREAK] [Mrs Hughes hands Ethel some bags of food.] Mrs Hughes: I'm sorry I couldn't get down this week, but we've had a house full. Who's looking after the baby? Ethel: Oh, my neighbour, and she's lent me a bag so I can get back. [They hear a door rattle.] Mrs Hughes: Oh! Well, you'd best be off. [Mrs Hughes lets Ethel out into the rain. Ethel puts the food into the basket of a bicycle and takes off. Mrs Hughes closes the door and turns to find Mr Carson. She gasps.] [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. DOWNTON, STAIRCASE - MORNING] Cora, Countess of Grantham: I can't, darling. I've got too much work. We're losing two of the nurses and I must re-arrange the roster. Robert, Earl of Grantham: But if Mary's out with Carlisle and Edith's going to Mama's, I'll be on my own. What about Sybil? Cora, Countess of Grantham: Sybil's on duty. Robert, Earl of Grantham: I wish you'd told me. I could've fixed something up for myself. Cora, Countess of Grantham: You could always ask Major Clarkson to join you, if you really can't be on your own for one luncheon. Robert, Earl of Grantham: I'll manage. [Cora walks off, leaving Robert at the bottom of the staircase.] [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. HACKSBY PARK - MORNING] Lady Mary: It's so empty. I didn't know they'd gone. Sir Richard Carlisle: They've given up. Lady Mary: You can't blame them. When Billy was killed, it knocked the stuffing out of them completely. What'll we do about furniture and pictures and everything? Sir Richard Carlisle: What does anyone do? Buy it, I presume. Lady Mary: Your lot buys it. My lot inherits it. We ought to be getting back. Sir Richard Carlisle: Why? What's at Downton that needs your attention so urgently? So, shall we rescue it? Shall we give the house another chapter? Lady Mary: Well, I suppose one has to live somewhere. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. LIBRARY - MORNING] Cora, Countess of Grantham: You're telling me we've been feeding Ethel for some time? Mrs Hughes: We have, milady. Well, supplementing her food. I didn't think you'd mind, what with the baby and all, but Mr Carson suggested you'd like to be informed all the same. Cora, Countess of Grantham: Carson is right, Mrs Hughes. Mrs Hughes: But the girl was our employee, and while she was in the wrong-- Mr Carson: Indeed, she was. Men will always be men, but for any young woman to let her judgment so desert her, Cora, Countess of Grantham: She's not the first girl to be taken in by a uniform. And don't worry, Carson, the baby will ensure she pays the price. Has she tried to get the father to assume some responsibility? Mrs Hughes: She's tried and failed, I'm afraid. Cora, Countess of Grantham: I wonder. If I were to write to Major Bryant inviting him to visit us again, maybe Lord Grantham can prevail on his good nature. Mrs Hughes: I'm not sure he's got one to prevail on. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. SERVANTS' HALL - MORNING] Mrs Hughes: Satisfied? Mr Carson: I feel sorry for Ethel, but I cannot condone her inability to pronounce a simple two letter word, "No." [Mr Carson checks his pocket watch.] Mr Carson: The wine delivery should've been here by twelve. Get me out of the dining room when they come. Mrs Hughes: Serve the main course and let Jane finish. He won't mind. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. DINING ROOM - MORNING] [SCENE_BREAK] [Robert dines alone, looking a rather pathetic picture. Jane comes with the next course and Robert looks surprised.] Robert, Earl of Grantham: Has Carson abandoned me? Jane: He's dealing with a wine delivery, milord. Shall I fetch him? Robert, Earl of Grantham: No, no, I daresay we'll manage. I hope you're happy here and that your family arrangements are not proving too complicated. Jane: Your Lordship has a good memory. Robert, Earl of Grantham: All our lives are lived around our children. How old is your son? Jane: Twelve, milord. Robert, Earl of Grantham: Is he at the local school. Jane: He is, but he's trying for a scholarship to Ripon Grammar. Robert, Earl of Grantham: Ah. Is that a realistic prospect? Jane: I think so. He has a real talent for mathematics and his teachers believe it's worth a try. Robert, Earl of Grantham: Well done him. I'm impressed. Perhaps I can put in a word. Jane: I'm sure I should say he wants to do it all by himself, but-- but I'm not proud, so if you can say anything, milord, then, for heaven sake, do. [She laughs and he smiles at her.] Mr Carson (reprimanding): Jane, have you finished in here? [Jane hurries out.] Mr Carson: I hope she wasn't talking out of turn, my lord. Robert, Earl of Grantham: Not at all. It was my fault, I asked her questions. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. ETHEL'S HOUSE - DAY] Ethel: But, surely, if His Lordship asks him, he must do something. Mrs Hughes: Why? What difference will it make? We're not in the fourteenth century. Ethel: But when he hears that Lord Grantham knows what he's done-- Mrs Hughes: What's he done? That all young men aren't anxious to do behind the bicycle sheds every night? Ethel: Then what am I going to do? If Major Bryant doesn't come 'round? Mrs Hughes: Who knows. Go to a big city. Invent a past. You've broken the rules, my girl, and it's no good pretending they're easily mended. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. SERVANTS' HALL - DAY] Mr Carson: Mr Bates, there's a telephone call for you. It's your lawyer. Anna: Should I come with you? [Bates nods and they go.] Thomas: Lady Mary was looking for you. Mr Carson: When was this? Thomas: When she got back from her outing. Mr Carson: And were you going to keep it a secret all day? O'Brien: I'm going to fetch me button box [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. DOWNTON ABBEY, WARD - DAY] [SCENE_BREAK] [A convalescent officer hands Edith a letter.] Officer: Thank you. [Edith walks over to Patrick Gordon.] Lady Edith: Any letters to post? Patrick Gordon: Look, I know I've changed, and not for the better, but even so, do you really still not recognise me? Lady Edith: I know. Why am I being so silly? Patrick Gordon: It's funny, isn't it? I came here all the time when I was growing up. Lady Edith: You were here? At Downton? You're not saying that you're... Patrick Gordon: Patrick. Yes, I am. That's exactly what I'm saying. I've just been hoping you'd realise without my having to spell it out. Lady Edith: But Patrick's-- Patrick Gordon: Dead? Drowned on the Titanic? Of course, this must be very hard for you. [He motions for her to sit on the cot across from him. She sits, trying to process this news.] [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. MR CARSON'S OFFICE - DAY] Mr Bates (on the telephone): That's ridiculous. (listens) No, I'm sorry. Of course I'm not saying it's your fault. It's mine. It's all mine. (listens) Yes. Thank you. Goodbye. [Bates hangs up the phone and takes a breath. Anna waits.] Mr Bates: She's only gone and told the judge that I paid her to agree to a divorce. Anna: I suppose you did, didn't you? Mr Bates: Yes, I bloody well did. Anna: So, what does it mean? Mr Bates: Because we withheld it from the court, it means the judge can withdraw the decree [?]. It means I'm not divorced after all. And, above all, it means...that I am a stupid...stupid, stupid man. [Anna goes to his side.] Anna: This won't change a thing. We are going to be together whether she wants it or not. If we have to leave here, if we have to leave the country, we are going to be together. [O'Brien is listening in through the wall.] [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. DOWNTON ABBEY, WARD - DAY] Patrick Gordon: I was on the Titanic. That much is true. But I was pulled out of the water by Fifth Officer Lowe, the only one of them to come back. At least, that's what they said later. When I properly came 'round, they misidentified me as Canadian, shipped me up to Montreal. Lady Edith: I don't understand. Why didn't you just tell them who you were? Patrick Gordon: Because I couldn't remember. I don't know if it was the blow to the head or the-- the shock, or cold, but I had no memory. As far as I knew, I was Canadian. Lady Edith: So, what happened? Patrick Gordon: Well, I--I had no reason to go back to England, so in the end, I took my name from a gin bottle, and then, in 1914 I joined Princess Pat's Infantry. Lady Edith: Then what changed? Patrick Gordon: I was caught in a big explosion at Passchendaele. When I woke up, it all came back. Suddenly I knew who I was. I began to call myself Patrick again. Lady Edith: Why not your whole name? And why didn't you send a message at once? Patrick Gordon: I nearly did. And then I heard that Downton was an officer's convalescent home. I thought that if I came here and you knew me, the hard part would be over. Lady Edith: But we didn't know you. Patrick Gordon: Precisely. Lady Edith: I must talk to Papa. We've Matthew, the new heir, to think about. Patrick Gordon: Ah. The new heir. Yes, this will be very difficult for him, of course. Lady Edith: And it must be so hard for you, what with Mary getting married. Patrick Gordon: Did I love her very much? Lady Edith: Well, I'm the wrong person to ask. Patrick Gordon: Because you were the one who really loved me, you mean? Lady Edith: I never thought Patrick knew. Patrick Gordon (crying): Well, he did. I--I do. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. DOWNTON ABBBEY, GROUNDS - DAY] Lady Mary: It's big. The staircase is prettier than the one here. But mainly, it's just big. Matthew Crawley: Can we stop? I'd much rather see your face when we talk. [Mary pushes the wheelchair up to a bench and sits down.] Matthew Crawley: So, will you buy it? Lady Mary: Probably. He says he wants to steal Carson to come and run it for us. Matthew Crawley: I don't envy you telling your Papa. Lady Mary: Hm. Suppose Carson won't do it. Matthew Crawley: Since he would open his veins for you, I don't think there's much doubt. Lady Mary: I don't have to marry him, you know. Matthew Crawley: Yes, you do. If I thought for a moment that I was an argument against your marriage, I should jump into the nearest river. Lady Mary: And how would you manage that without my help? Matthew Crawley: Well, I'd get you to push me in. [They chuckle.] Matthew Crawley: Seriously, I can only relax because I know that you have a real life coming. If I ever thought I was putting that in jeopardy, I'd go away and never see you again. Lady Mary: You don't mean that. Matthew Crawley: But I do. I am the cat that walks by himself and all places are alike to me. I have nothing to give and nothing to share. If you were not engaged to be married, I wouldn't let you anywhere near me. [Carlisle and Cora watch them from the house.] Sir Richard Carlisle: You'd think he was in Mary's sole charge. I'm worried it'll mean a big adjustment for him when we marry. Cora, Countess of Grantham: I don't believe Matthew has any desire to stop her marrying, Richard. Quite the contrary. Sir Richard Carlisle: Maybe. But is she as convinced as he is that they have no future? Cora, Countess of Grantham: What are you saying? Sir Richard Carlisle: I suppose I'm asking whether you want Mary to have children. Because if you do, isn't it time for Lavinia Swire to come back into his life? [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. DOWNTON GARAGE - DAY] [SCENE_BREAK] [A woman's heels click on the garage floor and Branson stops as he hears Sybil's voice from his position under the motorcar engine.] Lady Sybil: I wish I knew how an engine worked. Branson: I can teach you if you'd like. [Branson gets up. Sybil shakes her head.] Lady Sybil: That's Edith's territory. Branson: I thought you were avoiding me. [Sybil walks purposefully forward.] Lady Sybil: Of course not. Branson: But you haven't come up with an answer yet, have you? [Sybil ducks her head and stares at the floor.] Lady Sybil: Not yet, I'm afraid. I know you want to play your part in Ireland's troubles, and I respect that. But I just can't think about it all until the war is over. It won't be long now. So, will you wait? Branson: I'd wait forever. Lady Sybil: I'm not asking for forever. Just a few more weeks. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. COURTYARD - DAY] Thomas: You know, Old Ma Patmore's not as mad as I thought. O'Brien: Why do you say that? Thomas: I made some inquiries and she's right. There's a big demand for rationed food if I can find it. O'Brien: And can you? Thomas: Maybe. Been given a name. I'll have to come up with the money, though. O'Brien: And can you find the money? Thomas: I think so. I've a bit put by, but I could borrow some. O'Brien: It's a risk, though, isn't it? Thomas: You got to speculate to accumulate. Hadn't you heard? O'Brien: No. But I know the one about neither a borrower nor a lender be. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. LORD GRANTHAM'S DRESSING ROOM - EVENING] [SCENE_BREAK] [Robert tries on his new dinner jacket.] Robert, Earl of Grantham: What do you think? All the chaps are wearing them in London. Only for informal evenings, of course. Mr Bates: I'm not sure you'll get much use out of it when the war is over. Robert, Earl of Grantham: Maybe not. But I can wear it when Her Ladyship and I are on our own. You're very preoccupied tonight. [A knock at the door. Edith enters.] Lady Edith: Papa, can I have a word? Robert, Earl of Grantham: Now? [Robert nods to Bates and he leaves.] Robert, Earl of Grantham: What is it? Lady Edith: I think you better sit down. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. DINING ROOM - EVENING] [SCENE_BREAK] [Mr Carson measures the distance between table settings. Mary enters.] Lady Mary: I knew you'd be in here...making last minute adjustments. Mr Carson: Never leave anything to chance, my lady, that's my motto. Lady Mary: Mine too, really. Sometimes I wish it wasn't. I gather Sir Richard's asked you about coming with us when we're married. Mr Carson: I need to hear what you think. Lady Mary: It's a terrific idea. If anyone can keep me out of trouble, it's you. Mr Carson: What about His Lordship? Lady Mary: Of course he'll kill me. But I'm sure he'll understand. Mr Carson: Well, I'll give you my answer when you've spoken to His Lordship. It'd be a huge wrench for me to leave Downton. [Mary stares at Carson for a moment, then nods.] [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. DOWNTON ABBEY, WARD - EVENING] [SCENE_BREAK] [Robert enters and stares at Patrick Gordon for a moment before going to him.] Robert, Earl of Grantham: Major Gordon, Edith has given me an account of your conversation. Patrick Gordon: She said she would. Robert, Earl of Grantham: I wish you'd spoken to me first. Obviously, I need time to consider what you've said. Patrick Gordon: Well, I--I can offer little proof except that I know things only the real Patrick would know. I was never fingerprinted or anything. Robert, Earl of Grantham: Presumably, you understand, that people will be seriously affected should your story be true. Patrick Gordon: You mean Cousin Matthew. Robert, Earl of Grantham: It would be very hard on Matthew. Patrick Gordon: Of course it would be. Robert, I-- [Robert reacts badly to the informal address.] Patrick Gordon: I--I mean, Lord Grantham, if you'd prefer it. Robert, Earl of Grantham: I would, until we know more. Patrick Gordon: When I was in the hospital, I had my story written down. [Patrick Gordon picks up a book painfully and hands Robert a letter from inside it.] Patrick Gordon: So you can have it checked as far as that's possible. Robert, Earl of Grantham: Thank you. I'll send it to my lawyers in London and I'll break the news to the family tomorrow. [Patrick makes the same gesture that Mary made when she said "no pack drill" back in episode 2x03.] Robert, Earl of Grantham: Where did you learn to do that? [Patrick (possibly) feigns innocence.] Patrick Gordon: Do what? [Robert stares at him for a moment.] Robert, Earl of Grantham: Nevermind. [Robert begins to leave.] Patrick Gordon: Am I really a stranger? Do you not recognise me at all? It feels very odd to be talking so formally. Robert, Earl of Grantham: The whole situation is certainly odd. That I freely admit. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. THE DOWER HOUSE - DAY] Violet, Dowager Countess of Grantham: The war may be at an end, but the upheaval is only beginning. Isobel Crawley: Oh, how right you are. That is why Downton Abbey still has such an important role to play. Violet, Dowager Countess of Grantham: Well, dear me, there's so much to be done. When you think of all the children laid up with a disease. Isobel Crawley: But they're making such advances now aren't they? Now, could we talk about the lecture programme for Downton--? Violet, Dowager Countess of Grantham: We must, we must. If only I wasn't haunted by those women whose jobs will be snatched from them when the boys come home. Isobel Crawley: But we have to find work for our heroes, don't we? That must be our priority. Violet, Dowager Countess of Grantham: Mm. Isobel Crawley: However hard that might sound. Violet, Dowager Countess of Grantham: Mm. As you say. And what about those wretched refugees? What will become of them? Isobel Crawley: Ah. Now you've struck a chord. Violet, Dowager Countess of Grantham: Have I really? Oh, thank heaven. Isobel Crawley: What do you mean? Violet, Dowager Countess of Grantham: Mm? Nothing. Only the thought of those poor men and women flung across Europe far from their homelands, and so much in need of your help. Isobel Crawley: My help? Why do you say that? Violet, Dowager Countess of Grantham: When it comes to helping refugees, your experience renders your value beyond price. One of the organisers said those words. Isobel Crawley: Which organiser? Violet, Dowager Countess of Grantham: I forget. Isobel Crawley: What about running Downton? I can't do both. Violet, Dowager Countess of Grantham: Well, I suppose you must decide what is more important: exercise classes and lectures on pottery, or helping men and women build a new life. Isobel Crawley: I must go. But I will think about it. [Violet rings the bell.] Isobel Crawley: Are you coming to Cousin Robert's dinner tonight? Violet, Dowager Countess of Grantham: Are you? Isobel Crawley: Well, I didn't feel I could say no. He sent a note this morning and was most insistent. What's it about? Violet, Dowager Countess of Grantham: I have no idea. But we'll talk there. We're onto something for you. We mustn't let the iron grow cold, [Isobel smiles and exits.] Isobel Crawley(to the butler): Thank you. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. LORD GRANTHAM'S DRESSING ROOM - EVENING] Robert, Earl of Grantham: You know there is nothing more ill-bred than to steal other people's servants. Lady Mary: But you're not "other people". And Carson brought me up. Robert, Earl of Grantham: What does he say? Lady Mary: That he won't do anything without your permission. Robert, Earl of Grantham: (chuckles/scoffs) Which, of course, is so cunning. How can I refuse a man who says that? What do you say, Bates? Mr Bates: I say Mr Carson must have the last word on where he lives and works. Robert, Earl of Grantham: You're ganging up on me. [Mary smiles a little and gives her Papa a kiss.] Lady Mary: You're a darling and I love you. Now, what's this dinner all about? [Robert looks upset.] Lady Mary: Won't you tell me? Robert, Earl of Grantham: You'll find out. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. LIBRARY - EVENING] Robert, Earl of Grantham: I'm sorry if it's a bit of a crush. I didn't want to be overheard. Violet, Dowager Countess of Grantham: Are we talking financial ruin? Or criminal investigation? Robert, Earl of Grantham: Neither. I'll get straight to the point. We have a patient who has been badly burned who goes by the name of Patrick Gordon, but he claims to be Patrick Crawley. [They all balk at that.] Isobel Crawley: But I thought he was dead. Didn't he drown on the Titanic? Robert, Earl of Grantham: Well, of course, it is what we all thought until now. Lady Edith: They never found a body. Lady Mary: They never found lots of bodies. Sir Richard Carlisle: I'm so sorry, but I'm not quite on top of this. Who's Patrick Crawley? Matthew Crawley: The man who would displace me as heir. If he's alive, then I'm no longer the future Earl of Grantham. Lady Mary: It's ridiculous. How can it be true? Where's he been hiding for the last six years? Lady Edith: In Canada, suffering from amnesia. Robert, Earl of Grantham: He does have a story that would explain it. I'm not quite sure about how to test the facts. Lady Edith: He knows all sorts of things that only Patrick, or someone very close to him, would know. Lady Mary: What a stupid thing to say. Any fortune teller at a fair comes up with a dozen details he couldn't possibly know. Cora, Countess of Grantham: There's no need to be angry. This young man is either Patrick or he's not. There must be a way to find out. Is he like Patrick to look at? Lady Mary: He isn't like anything to look at. Robert, Earl of Grantham: I've sent his account up to George Murray in London to ask for his advice. Lady Mary: But what a waste of time and money. Lady Edith: What's the matter? We were all so fond of Patrick. You were going to marry him, for heaven's sake! Aren't you glad if he survived? Sir Richard Carlisle: Dear me, should I be worried? Lady Mary: Certainly not. This man is a fake and an imposter, and I think it's a cruel trick to play when Matthew's been through so much. [Mary is close to tears.] Matthew Crawley: My dear, don't be too quick to decide. You never know. This might be a blessing in disguise. Isobel Crawley: What do you mean? Matthew Crawley: Well, he seems a nice enough chap. He's not very pretty, of course, but he can walk 'round the estate on his own two legs and sire a string of sons to continue the line. All in all, I'd say that's a great improvement on the current situation. Sybil, could I prevail on you to take me back to my room? Lady Sybil: Of course. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. LADY GRANTHAM'S BEDROOM - NIGHT] [SCENE_BREAK] [A knock at the door. Mrs Hughes enters.] Cora, Countess of Grantham: Oh, Mrs Hughes, we've had a letter in the evening post from Major Bryant's father. He must've found it hard to write for it seems the Major has been killed in the Battle of Vittorio Veneto. Mrs Hughes: How sad. I'm sorry to hear it. Cora, Countess of Grantham: I know, and right at the end. But there we are. I'm afraid it's the end of our story, too. O'Brien: What story is that, milady? Cora, Countess of Grantham: A friend of Mrs Hughes knew the Major. Can you relay the news? Mrs Hughes: Of course. Will that be all? Cora, Countess of Grantham: Yes, thank you. O'Brien: Is that the Major Bryant that Ethel always thought so handsome, milady? Cora, Countess of Grantham: Too handsome for anyone's good. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. LIBRARY - NIGHT] [SCENE_BREAK] [Jane enters and turns on a light. Robert is still sitting in a chair.] Jane: I... beg your parson, Your Lordship. I thought everyone had gone up. Robert, Earl of Grantham: Not yet. Jane: Is there anything I can fetch you? Robert, Earl of Grantham: Nothing that would help. Never mind me. Goodnight. [Robert leaves despondently and Jane watches him go.] [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. DOWNTON ABBEY, GROUNDS - DAY] Lady Edith: Not a shock, exactly, but obviously it was a tremendous surprise. Patrick Gordon: So, what happens next? Lady Edith: Papa has sent your statement up to a solicitor. [Patrick stops to stare at something.] Lady Edith: What is it? Do you remember this place? Patrick Gordon: Of course I do. Lady Edith: How we used to hide over there Patrick Gordon: Wasn't there a governess none of you liked? Lady Edith: Fr ulein Kelda. Patrick Gordon: That's it. (fake German) Fr ulein Kelda! [They laugh.] Patrick Gordon: What fun we used to make of her. Lady Edith: Do you know, I do recognise you now. Patrick Gordon: Do you? [Edith nods.] Patrick Gordon: You haven't changed at all. Not a jot. God knows I have. Lady Edith: It's not important. Patrick Gordon: Edith, if you really mean it, do you think, once it's all settled, we might talk again? [Edith nods. Patrick holds out his scarred hand and she takes it for a moment before they walk on.] [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. ETHEL'S HOUSE - DAY] Ethel: But if they read her ladyship's letter, won't his parents know? Mrs Hughes: I don't think so. She only wrote to invite them to pay a visit. She thought the subject of the baby would come better face to face. Ethel: Could I write to them? Mrs Hughes: You could try, but where's your proof? With him dead, you've no evidence at all. Ethel: Then I'm ruined. Mrs Hughes: You were ruined already, my girl, so don't let's go overboard. Ethel: How's that new maid getting on? The widow with the little boy? Mrs Hughes: Very well, thank you. Why? Ethel: Just thinking. Everyone wants to help her. To feed her, to find her work, because her son's father is dead. But so is the father of my son. Where's the difference? Mrs Hughes: The difference is, Jane is a respectable married woman that some man chose to be his wife. Ethel: Is that enough? Mrs Hughes: It is in the real world. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. GREAT HALL - EVENING] [SCENE_BREAK] [Carson rings the dinner gong.] Sir Richard Carlisle: Carson, I wonder if I could be put on the London train at nine o'clock tomorrow morning. Mr Carson: His Lordship's valet is catching that one. Would you object to his riding in the front with the chauffeur? Sir Richard Carlisle: Not at all. Er, meanwhile, have you given my proposition any thought? Mr Carson: A great deal, Sir Richard. Sir Richard Carlisle: I'll be back on the night of the tenth. Perhaps you could let me have your answer then. [Mr Carson gives him a little bow. Mary enters.] Lady Mary: Answer to what? Sir Richard Carlisle: As to whether Carson will be captain of our ship. Lady Mary: With you at the helm, there's much more chance of a smooth crossing. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. LORD GRANTHAM'S DRESSING ROOM - EVENING] Mr Bates: Your Lordship, I need to go to London tomorrow. I've spoken to Mr Carson, he has no objection. Robert, Earl of Grantham: Please say this concerns property and not the former Mrs Bates. Mr Bates: I only wish she was the former, milord. Or better still, the late. Robert, Earl of Grantham: Indeed? Mr Bates: I have to reason with her, I have no other choice. She's found a reason to delay things again. No, not delay. She's found a way to ruin things. Robert, Earl of Grantham: Be sensible, Bates. Above all, do not lose your temper. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. ETHEL'S HOUSE - EVENING] [SCENE_BREAK] [Ethel sits with her child and cries.] [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. SERVANT'S HALL - EVENING] Mr Carson: A German republic? No, I don't think so, Mr Branson. The Kaiser will go, I grant you, and maybe the Crown Prince, too, but there'll be a regency, mark my words. Monarchy is the lifeblood of Europe. Branson: Sorry, Mr Carson, but I think you'll find the kings and emperors've had their day, if President Wilson has anything to say about it. Mr Bates: I'll have to go up to London. Anna: But what will you say to her that you haven't said already? Mr Bates: I don't know, but I know staying here won't make any difference. O'Brien: You're always going up and down to London these days, Mr Bates. Mr Bates: I have business in London. O'Brien: Oh, yes? Well, judging by your expression, your business doesn't seem to be prospering. Anna: The trick of business is mind your own. Robert, Earl of Grantham: I'm sorry to disturb you, but I-- [There's a great shuffling of chairs and silverware as the servants all stand.] Robert, Earl of Grantham: I've just heard news from the war office and I thought you'd all like to know...that the war is over. [There is much rejoicing.] Robert, Earl of Grantham: Cease fire will begin at eleven o'clock on the morning of the eleventh of November. Mrs Patmore: Why can't it begin now? Thomas: The eleventh of the eleventh seem pretty tidy to me. Robert, Earl of Grantham: We will mark the moment in the great hall, and I expect all of you, including the kitchen staff and hall boys, everyone, to be there. And Carson... [Robert motions for Carson to step aside with him. Mrs Patmore hugs Daisy.] Mrs Patmore: Oh, such good news. Mrs Hughes: Is there anymore glass [?] [The servants all drink a toast.] All: To peace. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CRAWLEY HOUSE - DAY] Isobel Crawley: The truth is, Cora, there is a reason for inviting you here today and I very much fear I'm going to be a great disappointment to you. [Cora cringes as she waits for the unpleasant news that Isobel might continue to invade Downton.] Cora, Countess of Grantham: Oh? Isobel Crawley: Cousin Violet is, in part, to blame. Violet, Dowager Countess of Grantham: Yes, I usually am. Isobel Crawley: It was she who drew my attention to the plight of the war refugees. I feel very guilty since I chivvied you and now I'm jumping ship. But I can't run Downton as well. Cora, Countess of Grantham: You must go where you can make a difference. Isobel Crawley: Well, this is what I think, but I hope you'll consider keeping the house open without me. Cora, Countess of Grantham: I must be honest with you. It was your idea, not ours, so I doubt very much we'll go on with it now. But what does that matter when one thinks of the work you'll be doing? Don't you agree, Mama? Violet, Dowager Countess of Grantham: Well-- I-- I can't find the words to say how I feel. What do you-- what do you think Molesley? Mr Molesley: Sometimes fate knows best, milady. Violet, Dowager Countess of Grantham: I couldn't put it better myself. Isobel Crawley: Well. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. MOTORCAR - DAY] [SCENE_BREAK] [Branson drives the motorcar away from Isobel Crawley's house.] Cora, Countess of Grantham: There really is something for her to do? Violet, Dowager Countess of Grantham: Absolutely. It's all set up. I had to promise to be a patron, but it seemed a small price to pay. Cora, Countess of Grantham: I know it was for Robert and the girls, but I thank you without irony from the bottom of my heart. Violet, Dowager Countess of Grantham: And I accept your thanks, my dear, with no trace of irony either. [They grin at each other.] [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. GREAT HALL - DAY] Lady Edith: Lawyers take forever to answer anything, so they can charge more. Patrick Gordon: But the others don't believe me, do they? Not like you. Lady Edith: I think they want to be certain Patrick Gordon: But how can they ever be? If the lawyer casts even the slightest doubt, won't that give them the excuse to cut me out and stay with Matthew? If only one of them recognised me! Lady Edith: They will do. Soon. Patrick Gordon: No, they won't. They've forgotten me. [Patrick slams the table. Everyone looks over, including Sybil.] Patrick Gordon: I'm a stranger to them now! [Everyone turns back to their own tables pretending as if nothing happened.] Lady Edith: You're not a stranger to me. [Patrick doesn't seem to take comfort in this.] [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. SERVANTS' HALL - DAY] O'Brien: I wouldn't be Vera Bates. He left here at dawn with a face like thunder. Wonder if she knows what she started. Thomas: If I were you, I'd keep out of it. Anna: Wise words. Mrs Patmore: How did you get on? Jane: Yeah, it was interesting. Daisy, I wish you'd let me tell you about it. Daisy Mason: There's no point. O'Brien: No point in what? Daisy Mason: Jane keeps making out I'm a war widow. But I'm not, am I ? You all know that. I married William on his deathbed. That don't count. Anna: Course it counts. Daisy Mason: I don't think so. And I wasn't good to him. He thought I loved him, but I didn't. Not like he loved me. I should never have married him in the first place, only you-- Mrs Hughes: Marrying him was a great kindness. Daisy Mason: No, it wasn't kind. It was wrong. [Daisy rushes out, upset. She runs into Bates on her way out.] Mrs Hughes: Mr Bates! How did you get here? Mr Bates: I walked from the station. Mr Carson: You should've said. We'd've sent someone to meet you. Mr Bates: I was glad of the walk. I was glad of the air. [Anna exits with Bates.] Anna: I never thought you'd be back tonight. How was it? Mr Bates: Worse than you can possibly imagine. Anna: What's...? [Anna looks at the bruise on Bates's face. He stops her hand and exits ominously. Anna re-enters the servants' dining hall and O'Brien mulls over their t te- -t te.] [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. LIBRARY - DAY] Lady Mary: I assume that whatever Mr Murray has told you means the man is a fake. You can't have asked Matthew to be here unless you know that. Robert, Earl of Grantham: It's very complicated. Lowe was the only officer to go back to the site of the wreck. He did pull some people out of the sea, and it seems one of the men was unidentified. Lady Edith: There. [Mary roles her eyes.] Robert, Earl of Grantham: One if the reports has him dying before they reached the Carpathia. Lady Mary: Precisely. Robert, Earl of Grantham: Another witness says the man did get to New York alive, but there's no clear record of his name. Lady Edith: Which could be Patrick Crawley. Robert, Earl of Grantham: There's more. There was a Peter Gordon who worked with Patrick at the foreign office. Now, he emigrated to Montreal in 1913. Violet, Dowager Countess of Grantham: When his face was blown away, he decided every cloud has a silver lining. He was perfectly placed to impersonate his dead friend. I mean, no doubt they shared confidences, so he just brushed them up and put himself forward for a major inheritance. Lady Mary: Granny's right. All he needed was a survivor from the Titanic who was unaccounted for, and he found one. Lady Edith: But the Titanic story bears out Patrick's version in every way. Cora, Countess of Grantham: What do you think? [Robert looks at Matthew before answering.] Robert, Earl of Grantham: I don't know what to think. Lady Mary: How can you even hesitate? Lady Edith: But Mary, you haven't heard the things he remembers. Lady Mary: I don't need to. I remember how we played, and your pony, and your birthday, and how we hid in the garden from the nasty governess. What other memories would you have of a childhood spent here? Robert, Earl of Grantham: Murray will continue to investigate. So, Edith, can we be polite to the man, but nothing more? The end of the war should make it easier to unearth the evidence. That is all for the time being. [The family starts to disperse.] Robert, Earl of Grantham: I thought Carlisle was going to come back for our ceremony tomorrow, but he never sent a train time. Lady Mary: He's driving up. He'll be here in time for dinner tonight. [Mary leaves and only Matthew and Robert are left.] Robert, Earl of Grantham: I'm sorry I can't be more decisive. Matthew Crawley: Don't be. I meant what I said the other day. It'll take a man who's more than I am now to follow you. So don't think about me. Robert, Earl of Grantham: My dear chap, how can you say that? I never think about anything else. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. DOWNTON GROUNDS, ROMAN GAZEBO - DAY] Patrick Gordon: Well, what do they make of this Peter Gordon character they've uncovered? Do they think that's who I am? Lady Edith: Do you remember him? Patrick Gordon: Very well. Peter and I were good friends. Very good friends. Lady Edith: Did you know he moved to Canada? Patrick Gordon: How could I? When I'd forgotten who I was until two months ago. Lady Edith: Of course. Patrick Gordon: So, what will they do now? Lady Edith: Track him down, I imagine. Find out what happened to him. Patrick Gordon: Suppose he joined the Princess Pat Light Infantry. Lady Edith: I don't understand. What are you saying? Why would he? Patrick Gordon: You're very sweet, you know. So sweet you make me think that all things are possible. But perhaps the lesson is you can't go back. Lady Edith: You're tired, and I don't blame you, but you're not to give up. I won't let you. We'll find this Peter Gordon, I know we will. Patrick Gordon: Yes. I expect you will. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. MR CARSON'S OFFICE - EVENING] Mrs Hughes: We'll be going in to dinner in a minute. Mr Carson: We've built a good [?] here, you know. I'm not saying it's legendary, but it's nothing to be ashamed of. Mrs Hughes: You've made your mind up, then? Mr Carson: I think so. Yes, I think I have. But with a heavy heart, Mrs Hughes. Mrs Hughes: And just when we thought we were getting back to normal. Mr Carson: Don't tell me you'll miss me. Mrs Hughes: I will, Mr Carson. Very much. And it costs me nothing to say it. Mr Carson: Thank you. That means a lot to me. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. DINING ROOM - EVENING] Robert, Earl of Grantham: Shall we go through with the ladies, let them get in here? Matthew Crawley: Of course. Cora, Countess of Grantham: I wonder what happened to Richard. Lady Mary: He'll have started late and... [Richard enters.] Sir Richard Carlisle: Oh, I do apologise lady Grantham. We got stuck in Royston and a cart had overturned in Baldock. [Lavinia enters, to everyone's surprise but Cora's.] Cora, Countess of Grantham: Hello, my dear. How lovely to see you. Lavinia: You sure? Sir Richard said you were expecting me, but are you? Robert, Earl of Grantham: Of course we are. Cora, Countess of Grantham: Can you take Matthew into the small library? Are you hungry? We finished, but Mrs Hughes can easily put something on a tray. Carson? [Carson exits. No one is pleased with Cora.] [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. LIBRARY - EVENING] [SCENE_BREAK] [Lavinia wheels Matthew into the library.] Matthew Crawley: Nothing's changed. Lavinia: But, you see, it has. Because I've changed. When I was last here, I was so bowled over that I let you send me away. But not this time. I love you. I'm going to look after you, that's all there is to it. Matthew Crawley: And if I refuse? Lavinia: I'm sorry, but I mean it. You won't frighten me away, whatever you do. [Edith and Sybil enter.] Lady Edith: It seems such a waste of time to drive from London and get stuck in every town on the way. Lady Sybil: Oh, I don't agree. I'd love to drive and you'd better [?]. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. DINING ROOM - EVENING] Cora, Countess of Grantham: Before you scold me, it's no good pretending Mary is not a good deal too attached to Matthew. Robert, Earl of Grantham: So you summon Lavinia? To be sacrificed like some latter day Iphigenia doomed to push his chair through all eternity? Cora, Countess of Grantham: Robert. It's quite simple. Do you want Mary's marriage to be a success? Do you want grandchildren? Robert, Earl of Grantham: Sometimes, Cora, you can be curiously unfeeling. [Robert takes a drink and Cora leaves.] [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. GREAT HALL - EVENING] Lady Mary: Suppose he doesn't want her back? Have you thought of that? Sir Richard Carlisle: He needs someone to look out for him. Lady Mary: Yes, but- Sir Richard Carlisle: And you'll be too busy with our new life, won't you? Lady Mary: Look, I know you're used to having your own way- [Carlisle grabs her and pushes her against a column.] Sir Richard Carlisle: Yes, I am. And I'll say something now I hope won't have to repeat. If you think you can jilt me, or in some way set me aside, I tell you now, you have given me the power to destroy you, and don't think I won't use it. I want to be a good husband, and for you to be happy, but don't ever cross me, do you understand? Never. [He kisses her.] Sir Richard Carlisle: Absolutely never. [Mary nods.] [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. DOWNTON ABBEY, WARD - MORNING] [SCENE_BREAK] [Edith enters while Sybil is changing the sheets on Patrick Gordon's cot.] Lady Edith: What's happened to Major Gordon? Lady Sybil: He's gone. Lady Edith: But he can't have. When? Lady Sybil: After breakfast. We couldn't very well stop him. The war's over. He left this for you. [Sybil hands Edith a note. Edith and Sybil sit down on the bed as she opens it.] Lady Sybil: What does it say? Lady Edith: "It was too difficult. I'm sorry." - P. Gordon. Lady Sybil: "P" for Patrick or "P" for Peter? Lady Edith: I know what you think, but I don't accept it. We drove him away. His own family drove our cousin away. Lady Sybil: But you believed in him, whoever he was, and that's worth something. [Edith leaves the room upset.] [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. GREAT HALL - DAY] Robert, Earl of Grantham: I think while the clock strikes, we should all make a silent prayer to mark the finish of this terrible war, and what that means for each and every one of us. Let us remember the sacrifices that have been made and the men who will never come back, and give them our thanks. [The clock chimes and the soldiers all stand (or sit) at attention. The eleventh chime fades and Robert relaxes.] Robert, Earl of Grantham: Thank you, everyone. [The officers stand at ease.] Robert, Earl of Grantham: Remember that this is not just the end of a long war, but it is the dawn of a new age. God bless you all. [Everyone departs and Lavinia begins to push Matthew's wheelchair.] Mr Bates: Let me help you with that. Lavinia: Can you get him back to his room? I'll open the door. [Lavinia walks off and Mr Bates begins to push Matthew's chair. Matthew is startled.] Matthew Crawley: My God. [Bates stops.] Mr Bates: Something wrong, sir? Matthew Crawley: No, nothing. Bates, if I felt... Mr Bates: If you felt what, sir? Matthew Crawley: It doesn't matter. Not yet. [Matthew looks down at his legs.] Matthew Crawley: Not until I feel it again. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. DOWNTON ABBEY, FRONT DOOR - DAY] Mr Carson: I thought that was very dignified, very calming. Thank you, my lord. Robert, Earl of Grantham: I don't suppose you're having any doubts about leaving? Mr Carson: I'm afraid not, my lord. Robert, Earl of Grantham: Well, I can't say I'm not sorry. Mr Carson: I won't go until we've found a proper replacement, Robert, Earl of Grantham: Whoever we find won't replace you. [Carson and Robert continue to stand on the front step, hands clasped behind their backs.] [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. DOWNTON GROUNDS, ROMAN GAZEBO - DAY] [SCENE_BREAK] [Edith cries as she sits at the Roman gazebo with the note from P. Gordon.] [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. SERVANTS' HALL - DAY] Anna: Yes, of course. Mr Carson: Mr Bates, telegram for you. [Carson hands Bates the telegram and he opens it. It's obviously not good news. Bates hands the note to Anna as he leaves the table. She reads it.] Thomas: What was that about? Anna: His wife's dead. [They're all shocked.] Anna: Someone found her early this morning. [Anna leaves. We see a shot of Vera Bates dead on the floor somewhere with a broken cup next to her.]

November 1918. A Canadian officer, badly disfigured by burns, arrives at Downton and declares that he is Patrick Crawley, the supposedly deceased heir. Mary rejects the claim, but Edith is persuaded as he recounts details of old times at Downton. Robert has his solicitor Murray investigate; Murray learns that Patrick Crawley had a close friend who emigrated to Canada. "Patrick" abruptly departs. Matthew is adapting to his condition and Mary's caring for him. Isobel is full of social-improvement schemes using Downton Abbey. Ethel hears the news that Major Bryant has been killed. Lady Sybil receives an ultimatum from Branson regarding his marriage proposal to her. Bates is shocked to find the legality of his divorce threatened, as Vera reveals that he paid her to leave him, and he goes to London to attempt to settle matters with her again. Upon his return, he receives the news that she is dead. Soon afterwards, the war ends with the Armistice.

fd_How_I_Met_Your_Mother_05x15

fd_How_I_Met_Your_Mother_05x15_0

Kids, I remember one time we all gathered at my apartment to watch the Superbowl. Well, not all of us... (cut to Barney at the stadium holding a sign) TV anchor: "Welcome back to Superbowl XLIV in Miami. Get a load of that guy! You think that's his real number?" Ted: Well, that explains where Barney is. Robin: Dibs on his wings! (credits) (at McLaren's) Barney: Hey, guys! Ted: Hey! Barney: Does anyone know who won the Superbowl? Marshall: You were there. It was the... Barney: I won! Because I'm now in possession of a magic phone that always rings. And you know who's always usually on the other end? A chick. So how many chicks do I have calling me now? Infinity! Guys, remember Ranjit? Ranjit: Hello. Ted: Hey, Ranjit! Marshall: Good to see you. Barney: OK I've enlisted Ranjit's services as my personal driver because for the next week I'll be sleeping with hundreds of women and I don't want to take the subway cause... you know... germs! Ted: Wait, you're... you're actually gonna hook up with these girls that call you? Barney: Oh, indubitably! I'm meeting the first one here any minute. Keep your eyes pealed for a red sweater. Based on her texts, she's dirty, dyslexic and want to 96 me, semi-colon and parenthesis. Ted: This ought to be good. I can only imagine the quality of girls... Red-sweater girl: Hi, you ARE the guy from the Superbowl. Barney: Magic phone, guys. (whispers) Magic phone! (Robin comes in) Robin: Oh, hey guys, hey Ranjit. Lily: Hey. Marshall: How's it going? Ted: That beer looks a little flat. Robin: Nuh, it's scotch. Ted: Something troubling you, kiddo? Robin: Hhhhh Don. Don was Aunt Robin's co-host on her morning show. Now even though her show was on so early that noone watched, Aunt Robin was a consummate professional. But Don was not. (flashback to Robin's morning show) Don: Oh yeahh! But that morning, Don had gone too far. Robin: Now that's what I call having a woof over your head. Don. DON? Don: Why is "Ulee's Gold" in every crossword? On to me? Sorry, sorry... Next Sunday is Valentine's Day. And one lucky patient will be receiving a very special chocolate heart: a human heart. OK, that reminds me, I've been meaning to ask you... Robin, do you have any Valentine's Day plans? (back at Mc Laren's) Lily: He asked you out? Robin: He asked me out. Ted: That's crazy! And they use "Ulee" because of the vowels. Marshall: What did you say? Robin: Well we were on the air, I was on the spot, so I said OK. Lily: Oh, oh, oh! Marshall: Robin, you're gonna marry this man so freaking hard, right in the butt. Robin: What? Nooo I HATE Don. And now I can't cancel because I said I would go out with him on the air. Marshall: What would your viewers think? Ted: Wow wow wow, you said you'd go out with him on Valentine's? I thought we had plans! Robin: Getting drunk and cleaning the apartment was a plan? Ted: I did NOT...say... it was a good plan. Barney: Guys, guys, guys, we're on me now. And it is getting in-teh-resting. Looks at these texts. Read this one. Yowza! Now look at this one. Does she text her mother with those fingers? Now look at this one... or this one, or this one, or this one, or... Ted: OK OK OK buddy, how about you do this? Go nail that girl, then read your texts. Barney: I can't do that, Ted. I just can't hook up with a girl if there is a hotter girl out there with whom up can be hooked. Lily: Isn't there always a hotter girl? Barney: I know, isn't it wonderful? (answers phone) Go for Barney. Cut to the chase, what's your cup size?...Oh, hi Mom! Ted: So there's a hotter girl. Isn't that the problem in a nutshell? There's too many options. You got internet dating, you got bars... Lily: Holding up your phone number on national TV. Ranjit: I never had that problem. When I was 18, I had an arranged marriage. And I love my wife more and more every day. Ted: Hm. Marshall: It is true. It's very rare that two people just meet and fall madly in love... like Robin and Don. Robin: Oh but we're not even like going out for dinner, we're just hanging out at his place. All of them: Ooohhh ahh! Robin: No, it's not like that. It's just us and a bunch of other people. All the them: Wooooooo!... (then they stop and think) Lily: Wait, Robin, what exactly did Don say when he asked you out? (flashback to the set) Don: I'm having some friends over at my place for a party. You should come by if you want. Robin: Errrrrrr...I... OK. (back at McLaren's) Lily: Robin, Don didn't ask you out. Robin: Err, of course he asked me out. Ted: Err no he didn't. Robin: Yes, he did. He did. He did. He DID! Ranjit: OK. Marshall: Well, dog my cats! I think I know what's going on here. Robin... did you WANT Don to ask out? Robin: Whaaat?!! (in a high voice) (huffs) Nooo, I HATE Don! I-I-I can't stop thinking how much I hate him, it's like, it's like... all the time. I just wanna attack him and rip his stupid clothes off and spank him with his little paddle until his bum's all red. SHUT UP!! (leaves the table) Ted: See! That right there is what free will gets you. Constant ego-shattering uncertainty. I'm done with that. I want what Ranjit has. I've spent my entire adult life looking for the perfect woman and I'm spending Valentine's Day scrubbing the toilet. I need someone else to find me that woman. Marshall, Lily, arrange-marriage me! Barney: (walks by, phone ringing)Or this one, or this one, or this one... Marshall: You want us to arrange your marriage? Ted: Absolutely. Looks there's two sides to dating, right? Picking and getting picked. Getting picked, I'm good at. Ladies looove Teddy Westside. Marshall: You're waiting for me to comment on your self-assigned nickname? Well, here's my comment. I love it. Ted: Really?! (excited) Marshall: Teddy Westside? Continue. Ted: It's the picking, I suck at. I pick the wrong girls. But you guys, you're the best pickers I know. You picked each other. Lily: Oh well with the slight assist from the Wesleyan housing department. Marshall: And a healthy splash of Drakkar Noir. (they hive five) (Robin giggles) Ted: Get out there and find me a girl. We'll double date on Valentine's Day. If I like her, I will marry her... if she's cool with it. And she will be. Cause I'll wear my nice blazer. Marshall: I love that blazer. Almost as much as Robin loves Don. Robin: I do not love Don. Marshall: Robin, neurologically speaking, the part of the human brain that makes you hate people is located right next to the part of the brain that makes you want to jump people's bones. The two responses are so similar, it's hard to tell them apart. Ted: You know what it's like? Wait, I have to get a book. Give me 30 seconds. (22 minutes later) Ted: OK this is fun. Look at this picture. It's a rabbit! You can look at it for hours and be absolutely sure it's a rabbit. But then one day, you look at it and you realize, "wait a second, it's a duck!" Rabbit, duck, rabbit, duck. Isn't it fun? It sure was. Marshall: Relationships are like that. I mean, look, when you first met Don, you hated him, you thought "This guy's a duck", but one of these days you're gonna realize "This is actually someone that I love, he's a rabbit". Ted: Wow I think you got it backwards there, buddy. The duck is the thing you love, the rabbit is the thing you hate. Marshall: What?!! Robin: Yeah I got to agree. Duck's up, rabbit down. Lily: Definitely. Ducks are better than rabbits. Marshall: I got... ducks are... ducks are... rabbits are adorable. Ducks are aargh. Have you ever been in a fight with a duck? I mean, ducks are... jerks. This lead to one of the most intense arguments our group has ever had. (flash forward) Ted: Duck is delicious. Rabbit is all gamey. Marshall: (yelling) We're not talking about flavour, Ted. Ted: (yelling as well) Flavour counts. (flash forward) Marshall: Who carries a duck's foot for good luck? Anyone? (flash forward) Robin: You wrap yourself in a comforter stuffed with rabbit hair. (almost yells) I wrap myself in one stuffed with duck feathers. Who's cosier? No, no, no, no, no, no... who's cosier? (flash forward) Ted: Hold on, I've got to get another book. (flash forward) (Ranjit rants on in his mother tongue, probably Bengali, the official language of Bengladesh.) (flash forward) Ted: Then why don't we take, a rabbit, a duck, stick 'em in a cardboard box and let them fight it out? Marshall: Because it's illegal, Ted! Ted: Only if we bet on it, Marshall! (flash forward) Marshall: FINE! I CAN SEE IT! YOU WIN! Robin: Say it. Ted: You have to say it. Marshall: Duck's good... (long pause, then whispers...) rabbit's bad. Robin: YAYYYYY. Lily: YAY. Ted: YESSS. Robin: Thank you. And Don is, and always will be, a rabbit. Ted: Oh I wouldn't be so sure about that, Robin. Think about it. Don... Donald. Donald... Duck. (Marshall sighs heavily) And what, I wonder, does Donald Duck never wear? Lily: Pants. Ted: Pants. Don's... a duck. (Lily and Marshall sigh in awe of Ted) Permission to say "lawyered"? Marshall: I'll allow it. Ted: Lawyered. Yes, kids, sometimes there's a fine line between love and hate. Case and point. (Barney's bedroom) Barney: There is no place I would rather be and no one I would rather be with... (phone rings) I should get that. (picks up in the kitchen) Go for Barney... Look, I'm sort of in the middle of someone, something right now and I... You're a hot lady bullfighter?... (to the girl in his room) You gotta go. (Ranjit's cab) Barney: McLaren's pub. Ranjit: McLaren's pub. (at McLaren's) Barney: Well, heeelllooo. (back in Barney's bedroom) Barney: There is no place I would rather be, and no one I would rather be... (phone rings) Would you excuse me for one moment? (picks up in the kitchen) Go for Barney, look, I... You're a gold medalist japanese figure skater? (to the lady bullfighter) Adios, muchacha! (Ranjit's cab) Barney: McLaren's pub. Ranjit: McLaren's pub. (at McLaren's) Barney: Well, heeelllooo. (back in Barney's bedroom) Barney: No place I'd rather be, no one I'd rather b... (phone rings) baaah... for Pete's sake. (picks up in the kitchen) You're a HOT chick? (to the skater) Sayonara. [SCENE_BREAK] (Ranjit's cab) Barney: McLaren's pub. Ranjit: McLaren's pub. (at McLaren's) Barney: Well, heeelllooo. Hot Chick: I realize that you're very busy, so I'll just get straight to the point. Barney: OK. (she puts her left leg behind her neck, opens her beer bottle with her toes, grabs the bottle with her right hand and drinks) Barney: Ay ay ay. Hot Chick: And that's my bad leg. Very bad. (phone rings) Are you OK? Barney: Yeah of course. Why, why wouldn't I be?... (picks up) Go for Barney. Barney had been sure that phone was something he loved. But now he realized it wasn't that at all. It was something else entirely. (Barney loses it and sees the phone as a cute/bad white rabbit, runs to the back alley and drops the phone in the bin) Barney: I'm free. (back in his bedroom) Barney: Ahh now this feels right. There is no place I would rather be, and no one I would rather be... (hears THE phone ringing) Hot Chick: What's wrong? Barney: Did you hear that? Hot Chick: Hear what? Barney: Shhhhhhhh. (loses his mind) aaahhhh (Ranjit's cab) Barney: McLaren's pub!! Ranjit: McLaren's pub! (Barney goes through the bar to the back alley and searches the bin for the phone.) Barney: (crying) Go-o for Barrr-neeeeyy. (back to business) D cups, really? Finally Valentine's Day arrived. The deadline for Marshall and Lily to find me a wife. An important job they had...well, forgotten to do. (at McLaren's) Marshall: Aren't we supposed to go on a double date with Ted? Lily: Ted? No, he's not seeing anyone. Remember, he asked us to find... Marshall: Oh, no. (they start running through the bar in search of Ted's future wife) Marshall: Hey! Hey, wanna get married? (cut to Lily) Lily: (annoyed) I don't know what kind of architect? Houses, buildings, that kind of crap. (cut to Marshall, there are 3 women sitting together) Marshall: (to the 1st one) Wanna marry my friend Ted? (to the 2nd one) Wanna marry my friend Ted? (to the 3d one) Wanna marry my friend Ted? (back to Lily) Lily: You can be choosey? You're in a bar on Valentine's Day, uh! (cut to Marshall to a blond at the bar) Marshall: Hey, just real quick... (the girl pepper-sprays him, he writhes in pain) you wanna marry my friend Ted? (back to Lily and Marshall) Lily: Man, Ted's right, it's tough out there. Marshall: This is stupid. You know what, we forgot about this. I'm sure Ted did also. (Robin and Ted's apartment) Ted: Here comes the groom in his favorite blazer, gonna meet my wife and I'm...laser, tazer, gaze her, take, bathe her? Robin: Hey, Ted? Ted: Yeah? Robin: Before you go meet your future wife, why don't you swing by Don's party with me? Ted: That's what you're wearing? Robin: Yeah, why? Ted: He's a duck. That dude be straight-ducking. "And I think that I'll amaze her". Nailed it! So we went to Don's party. (in the hall to Don's apartment) Ted: Look, Robin, I don't wanna crowd you on your little date here, so if things start to get hot and heavy with Don... Robin: They're not gonna get... Ted: I'm just saying, if they do... I'll just say "Well, I got a dinner res" and then, wait this is the last part, I've been working on it for a while... I'll duck out. Robin: Ha ha ha. It's not gonna get happen... but yeah, do that! (Don's apartment) Don: Hello, Robin. (he gets up from the couch, he's naked, except for a heart-shaped red chocolate box covering his privates) Ted: Well, I got a dinner res... (Ted ducks out) Robin: Come... god, Don, what the hell are you doing? Don: I don't know. It's something called the Naked Man. I read about it on some guy's blog. My god, I'm so stupid, why did I ever think it would work on someone like you? Robin: Yeah, cause I would never, could like, standards, so... you know... I thought this was a party. Don: I only said that to get you to come over here. I didn't think you'd bring a date. Robin: Ted's not my date. He's a friend. Don: Oh god, you probably think I'm some kind of playboy now, right? Robin: (sees Don with imaginary rabbit's ears) You could say that. (later at Robin and Ted's) Ted: So he's a rabbit. At least you know for sure. Robin: Ted, this may hurt a little, I'm recycling your old Architecture Weekly magazines. Ted: What are you doing? Robin: Cleaning. You go on your date. Happy Valentine's Day. (in front of the restaurant) Marshall: Oh, thank god, you're here! Ted: Yeah, I've been thinking, hmm, maybe we should call this whole thing off... Marshall: No. Ted. We got her. It's, it's the craziest thing. We were searching all week and then a couple hours ago... (flashback to McLaren's) Marshall: Trudy? Lily: Married. Marshall: Blah Blah? Lily: Committed. Marshall: Relationship? Lily: Bellevue. Marshall: Natalie? Lily: Ted's her least favorite person in the world. Marshall: Well, she's not getting any younger. (Barney shows up) Barney: Get rid of it. This phone is cursed. Cursed, I tell you! I tried to ignore it but it just never stops ringing. It's ruining my life! I should get that. (Marshall takes it away from him) No, please, please, please, Marshall, let me answer it, it could be an emergency, she could be trapped in a giant bra. Ranjit: Barney, Barney, let it go... to voicemail. (carries him to the cab) Barney: (mumbles) OK... (cries into Ranjit's shoulder) Marshall: We have to find Ted a wife. We're being too choosey. It almost doesn't matter who it is at this point. (both look over at Barney's phone) (flash forward to the front of the restaurant) Ted: It's a phone girl!? Marshall: I know, I know... but no, then we met her and Ted... she's a world-class violinist, she's a gourmet cook and she can quote every line from Caddy Shack. Ted: Wow. Hot Chick: Hello, Ted! "And what brings you to this nape of the woods, neck of the wape? Why are you here?" (Ted's impressed) So we all had dinner. And kids, Lily and Marshall's hard work had paid off. Because that girl was terrific. In fact... Marshall: Oh but Natalia, tell Ted the problem. Lily: Yeah, yeah, tell him, tell him! Natalia: Well, unfortunately I'm going to have to leave the country soon because my visa is about to expire. Lily: (whispers) She needs to get married. Marshall: (whispers too) Federal law expressly dictates that a foreign national can't maintain residency for longer than six months without a work visa. But when it came down to it... Waiter: And you, Sir? The rabbit or the duck? Ted: What? Waiter: It's a pre-fixed menu for Valentine's Day and we're already out of the steak, fish and chicken. So rabbit or duck? Ted: Rabbit. Sorry, guys, I gotta go. (he leaves) Marshall: Why would Ted order the rabbit if he's just gonna run out? (Barney comes in) Barney: I need it back. Where is the phone? Well, heeellooooo. Oh I met you already. Where is the phone? Lily: It's hidden. Barney: Where? Where had Aunt Lily hidden the phone? Well, to answer that question, we have to back up a little bit. (flashback to Robin and Ted's) Robin: You go on your date. Happy Valentine's Day. (we hear Barney's phone, Ted walks over to the piano) Ted: Barney's phone... I wonder how it got in there? Robin: Ted! Come on. Big date. Ted: Uh what's the harm... Hello! And just like that, I was hooked. (flashforward to the front of the restaurant) Ted: Terrific. I will see you there. And I'll be the guy in the awesome blazer. Ah ah ah I think you'll know the blazer when you see it. Oooh! I gotta go. Marshall: Oh, thank god, you're here. (flashforward to inside the restaurant) Waiter: So rabbit or duck? Ted: Rabbit. Sorry, guys, I gotta go. (back at McLaren's) Ted: Well, heeellooooo. (to a pretty girl ; phone rings) Sorry, babe, I gotta take this. Barney's phone, Teddy Westside speaking. Barney: My phone. I'm taking it back. And I'm taking your cool nickname too. Barney Westside speaking. Ted: No, no, I love it so much. It just keeps ringing and ringing and ringing. Give it, give it. Barney: (picks up) Hey, baby... Ted: It's mine now. Barney: It's not your phone. (they fight over it) Marshall: Lily. (hands her the phone). No. No! (Barney grabs his neck) Aaaargh. Lily: (drops the phone into a pitcher) Oops. (later at Robin and Ted's) Ted: Being single sucks. It turns you into a crazy person. Robin: I know. So much running around and freaking out. For what? Ted: So long as you can find someone you can sit on the couch and put off cleaning the bathroom with. Robin: Well, the joke's on the rest of the world cause we can do that on our own. Ted: Exactly. Robin: Exactly. (next morning, on the set) Don: Robin, I have to apologize... Robin: Save it. Let's just do the news. Don: No. Listen... after you left the other night, I was embarrassed. Not because I was naked. I'm actually pretty OK with my body. Robin: Clearly. Don: I got married in college. I just got divorced three months ago. I have no idea how to be single. But that's not why I was embarrassed. I was embarrassed by my behavior right here at Channel...hmm, it starts with a 1, I know that, but... Robin: 12. Don: 12!... Robin: You can... just look at your mug. Don: Right. Well, no, you look at this mug (point to his face). You are a tremendous news anchor. And you deserve a co-anchor who gives a crap. And from here on out, it's gonna be me. Robin: Well, I'll believe that when I see it. Don: Well, you'll see it right now. I'll go get you some coffee. Robin: Don!! You're wearing pants! Don: Well, look at that! Robin: (sees him with an imaginary duck's beak) Uh, duck! (end credits)

Ted abdicates responsibility for finding a Valentine's Day date, and allows Lily and Marshall to "arrange" a date for him; Robin foolishly consents to attend a Valentine's day party given by her deeply inappropriate co-worker, Don Frank. Barney has a 'magic' phone but can't stop answering it.

fd_Doctor_Who_1963_13x08

fd_Doctor_Who_1963_13x08_0

PLANET OF EVIL BY: LOUIS MARKS Part Four Running time: 23:43 [SCENE_BREAK] REIG: Maintain boosters at full thrust. We're only just holding rev. We must avoid being pulled into reverse. REIG: This is the command deck! Send help! Argh! [SCENE_BREAK] REIG (OOV.): Help! Argh! [SCENE_BREAK] SALAMAR: Reig! VISHINSKY: Reig. If we hadn't been wasting our time down there. SALAMAR: They caused it all. VISHINSKY: How could they have caused this? We were with them. (into intercom) Attention. All crewmen report to assembly point immediately. Red alert! Red alert! SALAMAR: Countermanded. Only I can give a red alert. VISHINSKY: It's too late for any more mistakes, Salamar. I'm taking command. SALAMAR: You'll regret this. [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: Where've they gone? SARAH: I think there's been another killing. DOCTOR: What? SARAH: Doctor. Doctor, it is that thing from the planet. I felt it. DOCTOR: You what? SARAH: Just before de Haan was killed, I felt the same sort of icy suction. DOCTOR: Who was with you? SARAH: Professor Sorenson. DOCTOR: Sorenson. Of course. The sole survivor of the expedition. SARAH: So Sorenson is Antiman. DOCTOR: Yes. He's been infected with antimatter. His brain cells are being destroyed. He'll descend to the level of a brute. Sarah? SARAH: Yes? DOCTOR: Get to command deck. Tell them to shut down all the hatches. Our only chance is to keep it isolated. SARAH: Right. But what are you going to do? Doctor! DOCTOR: Do as I say. [SCENE_BREAK] VISHINSKY: Command area to solarium section. Who's in charge there? RANJIT (OOV.): Senior crewleader Ranjit, sir. VISHINSKY: Ranjit? Good. You know why we're on red alert? RANJIT (OOV.): They say we picked up some contagion back on the planet. VISHINSKY: We picked up something. Some animal. It's killed Morelli, Reig and de Haan, so take no chances. Keep your men on full alert and await further orders. RANJIT (OOV.): Right, sir. SALAMAR: What are you going to do now, Vishinsky? Look at the course monitor. We're heading back to Zeta Minor. Come on, you've taken charge. Give an order. Give an order that'll stop us crashing, or we're all going to die. VISHINSKY: Keep your nerve, Salamar. VISHINSKY: Where's the Doctor? SARAH: I don't know, but he said you've got to close all the hatchways immediately. VISHINSKY: As soon as Professor Sorenson reports in. SARAH: No, now! Don't wait for Sorenson. The Doctor says he's behind all this. SALAMAR: That's insane. How can he be? SARAH: Something on the planet affected him. Look, you've got to shut the hatchways before it's too late. SALAMAR: It's another trick. VISHINSKY: The Doctor's been right so far. We should have listened to him before. Close all section hatchways! [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: Keep away! [SCENE_BREAK] SARAH: And the antimatter has turned Sorenson into that monster. VISHINSKY: It's incredible. Sorenson? VISHINSKY: Salamar! SALAMAR: Keep away! VISHINSKY: Don't be a fool. [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: Keep away. SORENSON: I require an explanation. DOCTOR: Professor Sorenson, you're ill. SORENSON: What do you mean, ill? DOCTOR: You think you've discovered an oral vaccine to protect you against antiquark penetration, but you're wrong. SORENSON: It worked. DOCTOR: For a time, but it set up a cycle of chemical change. There's no way back, Sorenson. You've reached the point where your tissues are so monstrously hybridised that the next metabolic change could be the final one. SORENSON: No. DOCTOR: There isn't much time. SORENSON: No! DOCTOR: You and I are scientists, Professor. We buy our privilege to experiment at the cost of total responsibility. SORENSON: The hypothesis was false. [SCENE_BREAK] SALAMAR: Open the hatch! VISHINSKY: Take the shielding off that neutron accelerator, you'll be dead in minutes. SALAMAR: But I'll take Sorenson with me. You'd like that, wouldn't you, Vishinsky? That might save your life. You'd like to live? VISHINSKY: You're out of your mind. SALAMAR: Oh, no. No, this is leadership. Strong action. That's why I'm Controller. Open that hatch! SALAMAR: Now, open it! SARAH: Let him go, Vishinsky. Let him go! SALAMAR: You, Controller? You haven't a hope. VISHINSKY: If Sorenson doesn't get him, the radiation will. [SCENE_BREAK] VISHINSKY [OC}: Command area calling. [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR (OOV.): This is the Doctor. VISHINSKY: Doctor, we're accelerating back to Zeta Minor. Have you located the antimatter? [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: Listen, Vishinsky. Listen. There are now two forces of antimatter aboard. I've got one, and the other one is Sorenson himself. [SCENE_BREAK] SARAH: But Salamar's out hunting Sorenson now. VISHINSKY: With a neutron accelerator. [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: He's got to be stopped. How long to impact? VISHINSKY (OOV.): Less than thirty minutes. DOCTOR: Keep the hatchways open. [SCENE_BREAK] SALAMAR: Come on! Come on out and face me! DOCTOR (OOV.): Salamar! [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: Where are you, Salamar? Don't use the accelerator. Salamar! [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR (OOV.): Where are you? Salamar! Whatever you do, don't use the accelerator! DOCTOR (OOV.): Salamar! VISHINSKY (OOV.): Command area. DOCTOR: Vishinsky, it's too late. Salamar's dead. [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR (OOV.): He used the neutron accelerator. If he hit Sorenson, it could be disastrous. SARAH: You mean things can get worse? I don't believe it. DOCTOR (OOV.): Keep the hatches open. I'm coming up. SARAH: Oh, why is he taking so long? VISHINSKY: I'll try the quarantine area again. Doctor. Doctor, if you can hear me, indicate your position. SARAH: Something's happened to him. Doctor, are you all right? DOCTOR (OOV.): Open up, Vishinsky. Open up! DOCTOR: Shut down all the hatchways. It may hold them. SARAH: Them? DOCTOR: Yes, them. They've multiplied. SARAH: Doctor, look. The hatchways are going. VISHINSKY: What are they? DOCTOR: Duplicates of Sorenson. Pure antimatter. The neutron accelerator boosted its power, and the creatures split off and multiplied. VISHINSKY: They're going towards the solarium chamber. Ranjit, what's happening? Can you hear me? RANJIT (OOV.): They're attacking. We need help! They're coming through! Argh! VISHINSKY: Seven men. Sixteen minutes to impact. SARAH: How can we stop them? VISHINSKY: Acceleration thirty STS. Fifteen minutes. SARAH: Doctor, what are we going to do? DOCTOR: Stay here with Vishinsky, Sarah. I'm going out now and I may be some time. VISHINSKY: Acceleration fifty STS. Fourteen minutes. [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: Sorenson? Sorenson. [SCENE_BREAK] VISHINSKY: Acceleration seventy three STS. Eight minutes. VISHINSKY: They're all around us. Come on, I'll need your help. SARAH: We've only six minutes. Where are we going? VISHINSKY: To get the forcefield equipment. If we can lay a band around the command area we may be able to keep them out. [SCENE_BREAK] VISHINSKY: Take that. I'll bring the control box. VISHINSKY: Back, quickly! [SCENE_BREAK] VISHINSKY: Direction them in a line straight across. We'll seal off the area. SARAH: Look! VISHINSKY: Thirty seconds. Look, we're slowing down. Twenty five seconds. We've stopped. We're still on full power. SARAH: We're moving again. VISHINSKY: We're gaining height! We're moving away from the surface! The Doctor has done it! SARAH: Yes, but where is he? [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: Sorenson. Professor Sorenson. [SCENE_BREAK] SORENSON: Where am I? What am I doing here? DOCTOR: You're a very lucky man, Professor. You've been released. SORENSON: Released? DOCTOR: Yes. Because I kept my promise and returned the antimatter. SORENSON: This isn't the Morestran probe ship. DOCTOR: Don't you worry, Professor. Just rest a while. Everything's going to be all right. [SCENE_BREAK] VISHINSKY: We're making good progress now. Once we cross the galactic frontier we can signal for an emergency refuelling. SARAH: Doctor! VISHINSKY: Professor Sorenson! Are you all right? SORENSON: Yes. Yes, I remember now. My researches. I've discovered a new source of energy. DOCTOR: No, no, no, Professor. I think you'd abandoned that line. You'd decided to concentrate on deriving energy from the kinetic force of planetary movement. SORENSON: Had I? DOCTOR: Yes. Large source of untapped energy there. SORENSON: The kinetic force of planetary movement. What a brilliant idea! SARAH: Goodbye, Vishinsky. And thank you. VISHINSKY: Goodbye. Goodbye, Doctor. DOCTOR: Goodbye, Vishinsky. Come on, Sarah. We've an appointment in London and we're already thirty thousand years late.

The Doctor tries to convince Sorenson to sacrifice himself for the rest of the crew but Salamar's attempt to deal with the situation causes their problem to multiply.

fd_Charmed_04x08

fd_Charmed_04x08_0

Teleplay by: Brad Kern & Nell Scovell [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Manor. Attic. Piper and Paige are there. Piper is pacing, while Paige looks through the Book of Shadows.] Paige: A demon who likes to kill witches. Well, that narrows it down to about every page in the book. Piper: We have one clue. We know he likes to use an athame. Paige: How does that help? Piper: Well, it means he has hands. Keep flipping. Paige: So I hear you and Leo are thinking about having a baby. Piper: Where did you hear that from? (Paige shrugs.) Paige: From Phoebe. (Piper rolls her eyes.) Oh, did I just break some sort of sister confidentiality clause? Piper: No, you didn't, and no we aren't. Paige: Really? Don't you want to? Not to be nosey but I'm going to be an aunt and all. (Piper sighs.) Piper: You're not going to be an aunt, all right? At least not any time soon, it's too risky. It would be in constant danger around us. Paige: What does Leo think? Piper: Leo thinks that there's enough magic around here we'd be able to protect it. Paige: Maybe he's right. Piper: Maybe he's not. Keep flipping. Paige: I'm flipping. (She flips a couple of pages and stops.) You know, it's not like having a baby isn't hard enough even without demons attacking. But for what it's worth, there are ways of seeing what it's like before you actually have one. Piper: Mm-hmm, great. Well, the next time you pass a baby rental, pick one up for Leo. Paige: Maybe I will. (Leo orbs in. Piper gets a fright.) Leo: So did you find anything out? Piper: Uh, yeah, I scryed for the location of the demon using the slime from the last victim, and Phoebe and Cole are checking it out. Leo: Alright, well, I hope that it pans out because with two dead witches they're pretty concerned up there. Piper: Okay, well, we are pretty concerned down here too. Paige: Hey, I think I found something. Upper level demon who likes to kill witches using an athame, sometimes with energy balls His name, Belthazor. (Piper and Leo look at each other and back at Paige.) Leo: I don't think so. Paige: Why not? Leo: Well, because that's, uh, Cole, in his demonic form. Piper: You knew he was half demon. Paige: Yeah, but I didn't know he could turn into that. (The phone rings. Piper answers it.) Piper: Hello? [Cut to an alley. Phoebe and Cole are walking down it. Phoebe's talking to Piper on her phone.] Phoebe: We're at Battery and Clay but there's no sign of any demons. [Cut to the attic.] Piper: Okay, I'll scry for him again. Talk to Paige. (She hands Paige the phone.) Paige: Hey Phoebe. How's Cole? Morphed into any demons lately? Phoebe: What? Leo: Paige. (Piper scrys and the crystal points to a place on the map.) Piper: Battery and Clay. He's still there. Paige: Piper says he's still there. [Cut to Phoebe and Cole.] Phoebe: Piper says he's still here somewhere. (Suddenly, a black painted demon with a green face drops down behind them. He throws out a string of slime and it wraps around Phoebe's leg. She drops the phone. Phoebe screams and the demon pulls the slime, lifting her up. Cole grabs a hold of Phoebe's arms.) Cole: Hold on. Phoebe: I can't. (Cole starts to lose his grip and holds onto her fingers. Phoebe looks at Cole and nods.) Cole: 3,2,1. (Cole lets go of one hand and throws an energy ball at the demon. It explodes and green goo splats all over Cole and Phoebe. They are sent flying across the alley and land on a pile of clothes. They laugh.) Phoebe: We have to stop meeting like this. Cole: Marry me. (Phoebe stops laughing.) Phoebe: What? Opening Credits [Scene: Manor. Foyer. Phoebe and Cole walk in from the front door, still covered in slime.] Cole: Don't you think we should talk about this? Phoebe: Talk about what? (Piper comes down the stairs.) Piper: Wow, looks like you two got a juicy one. Phoebe: Yeah, but unfortunately not the one that kills witches. Piper: How do you know? Cole: Because upper level demons have a human form, and they bleed, red, not green. (Phoebe heads up the stairs.) Where are you going? Phoebe: I'm going up to take a shower first, and then I'm going to check the Book of Shadows. I wanna I.D. this demon that I'm wearing, try to find some answers. Cole: Speaking of unanswered questions Phoebe: There is a demon on the loose, Cole, we don't have time for this. Cole: Shouldn't we make time for it? Phoebe: No, not now we shouldn't. Piper: What are you guys talking about? Phoebe: Nothing. Cole: Nothing. Phoebe: Please, Cole, let's just focus on vanquishing the demon. Cole: Fine. I'll, uh, go see what I can find out. (He shimmers out.) Piper: Honey, did you two have a fight? Phoebe: No, he just never mind. (Phoebe walks up the stairs.) [Scene: Alley. A witch is there. A demon who looks similar to Belthazor, shimmers in.] Demon: Witch. (The witch screams. He goes to her and covers her mouth. He looks at the symbol on her necklace.) You're next. (He stabs her with an athame and she drops to the ground. He changes into a man and pokes the athame in his belt. He walks over to a pay phone and dials 911.) Man: Yes, I would like to report a terrible murder. Uh, a beautiful young woman in the alley behind the Canon Theatre. (A guy walks into the alley.) Guy: Hey, you gonna be long? (The man looks at him.) What are you, deaf? I need to use the phone. Man: (in phone) Hold on. (He puts the phone down and throws an energy ball at the guy. He picks the phone back up.) Hurry please, before anyone else gets hurt. (He shimmers out.) [Scene: Manor. Attic. Piper and Phoebe are there. Phoebe has the Book of Shadows open to the black and green demon.] Phoebe: Okay, so the demon that Cole and I nailed is a Scavenger demon. Apparently he feeds on the remains of other demons victims. Nice, huh? Piper: Well, that explains why we scryed for him accidentally. (Phoebe continues to flip through the book.) Um, are you gonna tell me what happened out there? Phoebe: There's not much to tell. The demon jumped in behind us Piper: That's not what I mean. What happened between you and Cole? Phoebe: Oh, yeah, that. Um I'm not exactly sure. He asked me to marry him. Piper: What? He-he did what? He did? Phoebe: More or less. Piper: Well, what did you say? Phoebe: I didn't know what to say. I was too surprised. I mean, with all my power of premonition and I never saw that one coming. Piper: Uh, wow, I-I don't think a witch is allowed to marry a demon. Honey, we can't have a demon in the family. Phoebe: Piper, that is the least of my concerns right now. Piper: Well, don't kid yourself. If you decide to go through with this, it's gonna be a source of huge concerns. Especially for them. (She points up.) Phoebe: I have to be concerned with my own concerns. (Piper sits down next to Phoebe.) I love Cole, you know I do, but demon stuff aside, I never thought of myself as the marrying type. You know, it's not something I fantasised about. Ever. Piper: So then, what are you gonna tell him? Phoebe: I don't know. Piper: Well, you're gonna have to tell him something because a question like that doesn't go away by itself. Phoebe: Are you sure? Piper: Yeah, I'm pretty sure. (They laugh. Cole shimmer in.) Cole: Hey. Phoebe: Hey. Piper: I'll be downstairs. (She gets up and leaves the room.) Cole: I couldn't find out who the demon was but at least I ruled out any usual suspects. Phoebe: Any idea of who it could be? Cole: No, just another upper level demon trying to build a reputation by killing witches to move up the ladder. Anyway, I guess I'll keep checking. (He starts to leave. Phoebe stands up.) Phoebe: No, Cole, wait. We should talk. Cole: Alright. Phoebe: It's just hard. Cole: It's just me. Phoebe: Okay, let me ask you a question. (She walks over to him.) When you, you know, proposed did you mean to? Or did it just come out in the heat of the moment? Cole: Well, does that matter? Phoebe: Well, yeah, it matters to me. Cole: It just came out in the heat of the moment. Phoebe: Oh. Cole: But that doesn't mean that once I said it I wasn't serious because I-I-I was, I still am. Phoebe: Cole Cole: Phoebe, listen to me. I know it was crazy to ask, and I know it doesn't make any sense because of who we are but that shouldn't matter. If it did we never would have fallen in love in the first place. I love you, Phoebe, and I don't know where we go from here but, I do know where ever it is, I want it to be with you. (They hear a baby cry from downstairs.) Phoebe: Is that a baby crying? [Cut to the living room. Piper and Paige are there. Paige is holding onto a plastic baby. A crying noise is coming out of it.] Paige: You told me to rent one, so I did. Piper: Well, I didn't think that you could. Where did you get it? Paige: The clinic. Piper: Great. Take it back. (Phoebe and Cole walk in.) Phoebe: What's going on? Paige: Piper and Leo wanted to try out having a baby before actually having one, so I got them a mechanical baby. They use them in parenting classes all the time. Phoebe: Wow, it sounds so real. Piper: And so annoying. Look, Paige, I appreciate the thought, but we are on a demon hunt and the last thing I want to do is protect a fake baby. Paige: Oh, really? (She throws it up in the air. Piper freezes it.) See? Your instincts were to save it. Piper: My instincts were to shut it up. Paige: The doll has a sensor. It'll stop crying if you just hold it. Piper: But I don't want to. Paige: Come on, just try it. If it doesn't work I will take it back, I promise. (Piper sighs. She unfreezes the baby and catches it. Phoebe puts her arms around Piper.) Phoebe: Okay, now you just rock it gently. (She helps her rock it.) Piper: Phoebe? I know how to hold a baby, that is not the issue, thank you. (Phoebe lets go.) Paige: Just give it a shot. What have you got to lost? (Leo orbs in.) Leo: Another witch has been killed. Phoebe: Oh, no. Leo: Yeah, the police found her body at the Canon Theatre. Piper: Well, we should go there and see what we can find out. Phoebe: We've gotta call Morris on the way. Make sure he can get us in. (to Cole) And no you can not come. Someone might recognise you from when you posed as a DA. Cole: I don't get to go anywhere anymore. Paige: You were a demon and a lawyer? Insert joke here. Leo: (to Piper) Where'd you get it? (He laughs.) Piper: It's Paige's. Paige: No, it's yours. You need to figure it out. (She leaves.) Piper: Yeah, daddy. (She gives him the baby.) Figure it out. Excuse me. (She leaves. Leo looks at it. It continues to cry. He goes over to Cole and gives him a look.) Cole: Don't look at me. (He walks away.) [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Alley. Police are now at the crime scene. Darryl, Piper, Phoebe and Paige walk in the alley.] Darryl: Look, I can't guarantee much this time. Just promise me you'll stay on the French. Phoebe: We promise. Paige: So what do we know? Darryl: Man called 911 from that pay phone, reported he found a body. (Piper sees black scorch marks on the wall.) Piper: Looks like she wasn't the only victim. Scorch mark. Definitely demonic. Looks like one of Cole's, actually. Paige: Don't you mean Belthazor? Phoebe: Oh, it's too bad Cole can't check it out. He'd probably be able to tell us who did it. Is anyone from the DA office here? (Darryl points to the man who murdered the witch.) Darryl: Yeah, that guy over there's an ADA. He's interviewing one of the victim's friends. They also found this on the victim. (He pulls out the necklace the witch was wearing.) Paige: Triple crescent. Darryl: Yeah, does this mean something to you? Paige: I studied it in one of Piper's quizzes. It's an ancient wiccan symbol, a cousin to the triquetra. Piper: Could be the mark of a coven. Phoebe: A coven someone's trying to wipe out. We have to figure out who else is in it. Piper: Maybe the victim's friend. Phoebe: Only one way to find out. Darryl: Phoebe, French, okay? Phoebe: French. [Cut to the man and the victim's friend.] Man: And she hadn't complained about any disgruntled friends, co-workers, ex-boyfriends? Woman: No. Carrie was a beautiful person, everyone loved her. (He takes a business card out and hands it to her.) Man: If you think of anything else at all, please, don't hesitate to call. (She nods. He walks away. She starts to walk away. Phoebe comes up to her.) Phoebe: I like your necklace. Woman: Do I know you? Phoebe: No, but you might know of me. (whispers in her ear) The Charmed Ones. You and Carrie were in the same coven? Woman: Yes. Phoebe: And your mark is the triple crescent. (She touches the necklace and has a premonition of the Belthazor look-a-like, stabbing this woman.) Woman: What is it? Are you alright? (Piper and Paige race over to Phoebe.) Piper: What happened? hat did you see? Phoebe: The demon. He's after her. Piper: Where? Phoebe: Uh... By the steps in some park. I think it was like an old amphitheatre or something. Woman: I know that. That's in Stanley Arboreta. I walk past it everyday on the way to work. Paige: What did the demon look like? Phoebe: Like Belthazor. Not exactly like him, just similar. (The man walks over to them.) Man: What the hell is going on here? This is a murder investigation. Who are these people? Darryl: I'll get rid of them. Come on, ladies, move along. First time I ask nicely. Piper: We're going, mister. (They all leave.) [Scene: Next morning. Park. Piper, Phoebe, Paige and the woman (Susan) are walking along.] Susan: I don't understand. If you know the demon is meant to attack here, shouldn't we go someplace else? Piper: Not if we want to get rid of him for good. Paige: Power of three spell? Piper: No, the only way to vanquish an upper level demon is with the potion of his own flesh. Paige: Sounds like you've done this before. Phoebe: Once. On my fianc . Paige: Your fianc ? Phoebe: Yeah, I just wanted to hear how it sounded. Piper: And? Phoebe: Kinda weird. Piper: Yeah. Paige: Wait, wait, wait, back up. Did you say you once tried to vanquish Cole? Phoebe: No, Belthazor, there's a difference. Paige: Is there? (They stop walking.) Phoebe: Okay, let's review. I play decoy, demon attacks. Piper freezes, you slice and dice until we get the demon sushi. And then we get out of there. Everybody ready? Paige: As ready as I'll ever be. (Paige takes a knife out of her purse.) Phoebe: (to Susan) Okay, I'm gonna need your coat and your hat. (She takes off her hat and coat and hands them to Phoebe.) Oh, and your necklace. (She takes off her necklace and gives it to Phoebe.) Piper: Okay, we've gotta get Susan some place safe. (Phoebe puts on Susan's coat.) Leo! (Leo orbs in.) Hi, honey, could you orb Susan out of here. Leo: Sure. Any place in mind? Phoebe: Hmm, I don't think home is a good idea. (She puts on Susan's hat.) Paige: Actually, you should take her to my old loft, I don't think it's rented yet. Leo: Alright, take my hand. (Susan does so.) Paige: Where's the baby? (Leo turns around to show the baby strapped to his back in a carrier.) Leo: See? We can make this work. Piper: Go away and you drop Robo-kid off at the manor. Please, thank you. (He orbs out with Susan.) Okay, we gotta do this fast because this demon won't stay frozen for long. Ready? (Paige nods.) Let's go. [Time lapse. Phoebe is walking through the path by herself. Piper and Paige are looking through some bushes. The demon shimmers in behind Phoebe.] Demon: Hello, witch. Phoebe: Goodbye... (She spins around.) Demon. (The demon runs for her with his athame. Phoebe flips him over and Piper and Paige come out of the bushes. A woman runs out and throws a dagger at the demon. The demon shimmers out and the dagger hits a tree.) Woman: I had him. Piper: Who the hell are you? [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Manor. Kitchen. Piper, Phoebe, Paige, Cole and the woman are there. The woman is holding the dagger.] Woman: He used this to kill my fianc . It's a ceremonial knife. The demon left it behind after the struggle. I've been hunting for the last year and a half. It's all I care about. Cole: May I? (The woman look at him and then at Piper and Phoebe. They nod and she hands the dagger to Cole.) Phoebe: Look familiar? Paige: He looked familiar to me. Phoebe: I meant the athame. Cole: It's one used by the brotherhood. Piper: Emma, do you know why the demon wanted to kill your fianc ? Emma: Because Andrew was a witch. Piper: Are you a witch too? Emma: No. But after Andrew died, I studied his books and devoted myself to the craft. Phoebe: To continue his work? Emma: To track down his killer. Paige: And you just happened to be in the park at the same time the demon was going to attack Susan? Emma: I know his MO. I know when he kills a witch, he goes after the entire coven. Piper: You've taught yourself well. But still, if we hadn't come along we would have lost you both. Emma: Vengeance empowers me. Cole: But it won't save you. Your desire for revenge is keeping you from the truth. You want the demon vanquished, my advice is to stand back and let the Charmed Ones handle it. Emma: This is my fight. Cole: Then you shall lose it. Phoebe: Cole's right. You should trust us. Trust that we want the same thing you do. Emma: It's just, his face has haunted me ever since Andrew died. It's the face of pure evil. I can't let him get away. Piper: Why don't you scry for him again while we prepare the vanquishing potion. Once we get a piece of his flesh, he's dust. Phoebe: We'll get him. I swear we'll get him. (The baby cries from the other room.) Piper: Ignore that. (Paige hits her lightly.) Paige: Piper! Piper: Alright. Excuse me. (She leaves the room.) Emma: She has a baby? Paige: Actually, she's not sure yet. Emma: Hm. [Scene: Office. The man is walking down the hallway talking to a woman.] Man: Inspector Morris, he's based down town. Now, I want you to get in touch with his captain and tell him his office wants to see all of his recent case files. Woman: Got it. Man: Look, in fact, go make the request in person, this way they can't duck you on the phone. Woman: I'll be back as soon as I can. Man: That's okay, take your time. (The woman walks away and the man walks into his office. He turns to his shadow on the wall.) I'm gonna lure the witch here. So I'm gonna need you to stand guard in case the ones who ambushed me show up. You understand? (The shadow nods.) Fortunately they won't recognise me in my human form. Your old boss Belthazor, he was right about one thing, posing as a DA's a perfect cover. Leave me. (The shadow disappears.) [Scene: Paige's old loft. Leo and Susan are there.] Susan: How much longer do you think I'll have to stay here? Leo: Well, I talked to your Whitelighter but my instincts tell me that everyone in your coven should break the routine until the threat is over. (Susan's phone rings.) Susan: Excuse me. (She answers it.) Hello? Man: Ms. Coleman, this is the assistant district attorney Sikes. Leo: Who is it? Susan: ADA. Uh, I'm sorry, yes, hi. Sikes: I'm calling because I've received new evidence and I'd like to talk to you about it if that's alright. Susan: Uh, okay, when? Sikes: Can you come over to the office now? Susan: (to Leo) He wants me to come in. Leo: Okay. Susan: Alright, I'll be there. Sikes: I'll be waiting. [Scene: Manor. Conservatory. Emma is scrying. Phoebe and Cole are sitting on a chair looking through the Book of Shadows.] Emma: I-I feel the crystal pulling, he's still in the area. Phoebe: Well, I can't find him in the book anywhere. Cole: Did you notice how he vanished? Did he smoke out, flame out? Phoebe: Actually, he shimmered, like Belthazor. Emma: Wait, I think I found him. Phoebe: Where? Emma: He's at, uh, Prescott and... Phoebe: Pine. Emma: How'd you know? Phoebe: That's where we are. Emma: Wait, he's here in the house? Cole: I'll go check upstairs. You find your sisters, get ready. [Scene: Office. Leo and Susan arrive.] Susan: Hello? (Sikes comes out of his office.) Sikes: Ah, Ms. Coleman. Who's this? Leo: I'm a friend. Is it a problem? Sikes: No, no, no problem at all. Um, why don't you just wait over there and uh, I'll let you know when it's over. (Leo sits down.) Right this way. (He takes her in his office and shuts the door. Leo sees the shadow demon go under the door.) [Cut inside the office. Sikes pushes Susan against the door and holds up his athame. Leo orbs in and knocks him out. Leo orbs out with Susan.] [Cut to the manor. Cole runs down the stairs.] Cole: Phoebe? (Phoebe races in.) He's not upstairs. Phoebe: He's not downstairs either. (Leo orbs in with Susan.) Leo: It's the ADA. Phoebe: Sikes? Leo: He tried to kill her, I don't know if he followed us here or not. (Sikes shimmers in.) Phoebe: Watch out! (Sikes throws an energy ball at them. They duck. Cole throws an energy ball at Sikes.) Take her upstairs. (Leo and Susan run up the stairs.) Sikes: You're gonna have to do better than that. (Sikes changes into his demon form. Piper, Paige and Emma run in. Piper freezes him.) Piper: Hurry, slice him. (Paige runs over with a knife. She pulls a face.) Piper; Oh, Paige, just do it. This is no time to be squeamish. (Paige slices a piece of flesh off his arm. It drops on the floor and she picks it up.) Paige: Got it. (Sikes unfreezes and hits Paige. Phoebe goes over to her. Sikes throws an energy ball and Cole pushes Piper and Emma out of the way. The energy ball hits the fake baby on the table. Cole turns into Belthazor.) Sikes: Belthazor, we meet at last. Belthazor: But not for long. (They throw an energy ball and it hits together. The house shakes.) Sikes: We'll finish this later. (Sikes shimmers out.) Piper: Is everybody okay? (Piper and Emma stand up.) Phoebe: I'm okay. Emma? Emma: He's not the demon who killed my fianc . (She points to Belthazor.) He is. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Manor. Continued from before. Belthazor has turned back into Cole.] Emma: He's a killer. What's the matter with you people? Piper: Emma, I know you're upset but you have to understand. Emma: Let go of me. Phoebe: You're making a huge mistake. He's not who you think he is. Emma: He's the demon who killed my fianc and that is all I need to know. (She pushes her way to the table.) Piper: Whoa, whoa, hey! (Emma grabs the dagger and throws it at Cole. He catches it before it stabs him.) Emma: How can you protect a murderer? How can you live with yourself? (She storms out of the house.) Paige: Is she right? Are you the one who killed him? Phoebe: Honey, now's not the time, we need to worry about Sikes. We got what we need, you guys work on the vanquishing potion. (Paige grabs the flesh and she and Piper head for the kitchen.) Phoebe: We need to talk. [Cut to Phoebe's bedroom. Phoebe and Cole walk in.] Cole: Don't tell me you're scared of me. Phoebe: No, don't be ridiculous. Cole: That's good. Because I think Emma's right. I am the one who killed her fianc , this is mine. (He holds up the athame..) I don't even remember doing it. I don't even remember what he looked like. It didn't matter what they looked like, it only mattered that I did what I was told. He was a witch, the Source viewed him as a threat. Phoebe: Shh... you don't have to explain yourself to me. Cole: Yes I do. Phoebe: No, you don't. I know who you were, who you used to be. And that's not the person you are anymore. Cole: I know. Belthazor still exists inside of me, that hasn't changed, nor does it change what I've done. Phoebe: But just think of all the good you've done since then. Cole: Hm. Doesn't balance out, doesn't even come close. And now the very thing I've tried so hard not to be is the very thing that I might have to become. Phoebe: What do you mean? Cole: Sikes has done a good job of emulating me, emulating Belthazor, which means if the potion doesn't work. the only way to destroy him is for me to turn into Belthazor. Phoebe: Yeah, but afterwards you'll turn back into Cole. Cole: I may not be able to. To stop him I'll have to embrace my demonic self completely. There may be no coming back from that. Phoebe: Well, then we'll just have to make sure that potion works very well. Won't we? I'll be back. (She grabs her purse.) Cole: Where are you going? Phoebe: To find Emma. Try to explain. Cole: It won't make any difference. Phoebe: Well, it will if I can keep her out of the craziness, keep her from getting hurt. Cole: I'm more concerned of keeping you out of the craziness, keep you from getting hurt. You still have some of that Belthazor vanquishing potion left, don't you? Phoebe: Yes, but... Cole: Get it, just in case. It might be the only way to stop me. (Cole leaves the room. Phoebe opens her drawer and pulls out a potion. She puts it in her purse.) [Cut to the kitchen. Piper and Paige are making the potion. The table is covered in herbs and ingredients.] Piper: Okay, we just need the pigs feet, over there by the mandrake root. Paige: Poor piggy, piggy. They're sensitive creatures, you know. Smart too. Piper: Yeah, not that one. (Paige puts the pig feet in the potion and flames shoot up.) Okay, so all we need to do is drop in the Sikes flesh. (She gradually steps away from the potion.) Right, just drop it in. (Paige adds the flesh and the potion explodes. Paige falls to the ground. Piper giggles.) Paige: You did that on purpose didn't you? Piper: Yeah! (Piper helps her up.) Yeah, it happened to me last year. No substitute for experience. (Cole races in.) Cole: You girls alright? Piper: Yeah, just doing a little sisterly bonding, that's all. Where's Phoebe? The potion will be ready in a couple of minutes. Cole: Yeah, she wanted to talk to Emma, explain things Paige: Good luck. Cole: Look, I don't need the guilt from you, okay, I've got enough of my own to deal with. Paige: What, and you think that covers it? What you did? Piper: Paige, don't. Paige: Don't what, Piper? He killed a man, are you condoning that? Piper: No, of course not. But it's just not that simple. He can't change the past and you've seen how much good he's helped us to do. That's who he is now and we've accepted that. Paige: If you say so. Cole: (to Piper) Thank you. Do you want me to help you find Sikes? Piper: Can you? Cole: If he's still emulating me, all I have to do is figure out what I'd do next. Piper: Which would be...? Cole: Go after the Charmed Ones. Paige: Oh, that's nice. Cole: First I'd have to regroup somewhere. Tend to my cut. Piper: The mausoleum? Cole: Except Sikes will anticipate that. He'll be expecting you to come after him which means he'll be probably be lying and wait. Maybe set up some kind of trap. Piper: One that you can identify. (Cole nods.) So let's go. Paige: Wait, don't we need Phoebe? Piper: No, all we need is this. (She holds up the viles of potion.) Besides, it's better to keep Emma away from the action. (Leo walks in with the baby. It has scorch marks on it and is crying strangely.) Oh, honey, what happened? Leo: Sikes. I guess you were right. Piper: Oh, sweetie, I didn't wanna be right. I'm sorry. Paige: You're sorry? Who's gonna pay for this? Well? Piper: We're gonna go after Sikes so we should probably orb Susan out of here just to be safe. (She kisses him on the cheek and leaves the kitchen. Paige and Cole follow. Leo holds the baby out in front of him and its leg falls off.) [Scene: Street. Phoebe pulls up on the side of the road. Emma is walking down the sidewalk. Phoebe gets out of the car.] Phoebe: Emma, Emma. Emma, please, I need to talk to you. (Emma stops.) Look, I know that there is nothing I can say that can change what happened. But I think there is something that may help. I want you to know that Cole has dedicated his life to good now. (She walks off. Phoebe follows.) And I'm not saying that it excuses what he did. Emma: Damn right it doesn't. Phoebe: All I'm saying is the demon you're searching for no longer exists. Emma: Oh my god. Who are you trying to kid? Are you blind? Did you not see what he turned into? That monster still exists whether you wanna believe it or not. Phoebe: Technically yes, but... Emma: Not technically, actually. He's alive and I'm not gonna rest until he's dead no matter what you say. Phoebe: All that would do is keep him from doing future good and put your life at risk in the process. Emma, please, please, just let it go. Emma: Let it go? Have you ever lost someone? To evil, I mean. Phoebe: Yes. Emma: And did you just let it go? (Emma walks away.) [Cut to the mausoleum. Cole, Piper and Paige walk down the stairs.] Paige: Any sign of him? Cole: No. (They reach the bottom of the stairs and Cole pulls Paige back.) Piper: What? Cole: Trap. Back up. (Cole picks up a candle and throws it on the ground. It explodes and the whole floor is covered in flames. It disappears. Cole runs across the room and looks around.) Piper: Where is he? Cole: I don't know. Paige: Well, why would he set a trap for us and not be here? Cole: Unless this is just a distraction. Piper: What do you mean distraction? You said he was after us. Cole: I was wrong. He's after me. And the best way to get to me is through... Piper: Phoebe. [Scene: Manor. Phoebe walks in through the front door.] Phoebe: Cole? (Sikes shimmers in behind her and grabs her around the neck. She gasps and drops her purse. He points an athame at her.) Sikes: Close. Phoebe: What do you want? Sikes: Same thing you do. Only I call him Belthazor. (He looks at the potion that has fallen out of her purse.) Accept I don't need a potion to vanquish him. I just need you. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Manor. Piper, Paige and Cole walk in. They see Phoebe's purse on the floor.] Paige: Phoebe. Cole: I'll check upstairs, you check downstairs. [Cut to the attic. Sikes has Phoebe tied to a chair.] Sikes: You must be something very special, turn a demon. Something very special indeed. (He touches her neck with the athame.) Unfortunately though, when you made him less evil, you made him less powerful. Hmm, I wonder, are you gonna have the same affect on me after I kill him? (Cole walks in.) Well, well, well. The mighty Belthazor. You don't disappoint. I knew you'd figure out what I was up to... sooner or later. (He points the athame at her neck.) Phoebe: Cole, get outta here. He won't hurt me. He's bluffing. Cole, Sikes: I can't take that chance. Sikes: Ooh, it's kinda eerie, isn't it? How I know you better than you know yourself. The student has surpassed his mentor. Cole: I was never your mentor, Sikes. Sikes: By reputation you were. By your legend. It'll be an honour to kill you. (He tucks his athame in his belt.) And assume your rightful place in the hierarchy. (Cole looks at Phoebe. She shakes her head.) Cole: Remember what I told you? What I asked you to do? Phoebe: Cole, please, don't. (Cole screams and turns into Belthazor. Sikes turns into his demon form. Belthazor throws an energy ball at Sikes.) [Cut to downstairs.] Paige: Did you hear that? [Cut to the attic. Belthazor and Sikes start fighting.] [Cut to downstairs. Piper and Paige run up the stairs.] [Cut to the attic. Sikes tries to strangle Belthazor.] Sikes: Die! Phoebe: Cole? (Cole embraces his demonic self completely. He pushes Sikes up and he hits the roof. Belthazor grabs him and pulls his athame out of his belt. They suddenly freeze. Piper and Paige have entered the room. They race over to Phoebe.) [Cut to downstairs. Emma walks in through the front door and picks up the potion.] [Cut to the attic. Belthazor and Sikes start to unfreeze. Piper and Paige quickly untie Phoebe. Belthazor pulls Sikes up and stabs him with the athame. Sikes screams and bursts into flames. He disappears. Belthazor turns to the girls.] Phoebe: Cole? (He walks towards them with the athame.) It's over. You can turn back now. Cole, you can do it. For me, for us. Paige: Hurry, throw the potion. maybe it'll work on him. (Piper holds up the potion.) Phoebe: No, don't. Cole, please, you can do this, you're good. (Emma runs in and throws the potion at Belthazor. Flames surround him and he screams. The flames disappear and Cole drops to his knees.) Paige: What happened? Phoebe: That was the power stripping potion I made to free Cole. (She goes over to him.) Are you okay? (She hugs him. Emma picks up the athame. Phoebe sees her.) No! (She goes over to her.) You got your revenge. You killed the demon you were after. Belthazor's dead, gone forever. Cole's a human being, an innocent. (Emma hands Phoebe the knife.) [Scene: P3. Piper and Paige are at the bar. Piper is writing out a cheque. Leo comes up to them.] Piper: You know, this baby was your idea. Paige: I know, I know, that's why I'm paying for half of it. I still haven't quite figured out how to explain what happened to it though. (Piper hands her the cheque.) Thank you. Piper: Well, at least it served its purpose. Leo: In spades unfortunately. Piper: Well, honey, it doesn't mean that we can't ever have children. Just, you know, we have to wait until it's safe. Leo: Promise? Piper: Promise. (She leans over the bar and kisses him.) Paige: Aww, that's sweet. You two oughta get married. Unlike Phoebe and Cole. Leo: You don't think they should? Paige: I don't know, I guess it's not my business. Probably just really the fact that Cole killed people. Piper: Yeah, but that wasn't Cole, it was Belthazor. Paige: Splitting hairs if you ask me. Leo: It's not though. He's human half had absolutely nothing to do with any of that, it was totally substicated. Phoebe's right, he's an innocent. Piper: The question is, what does he do now? [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Manor. Phoebe's room. Phoebe is waiting around for Cole. After a while, Cole finally walks in.] Phoebe: Cole. Oh my god, I was so worried. (She runs over and hugs him.) Cole: Oh, I'm sorry, but I had to take a walk, and then I lost track of time and I tried to shimmer back here and I realised I, I didn't have my powers anymore. Phoebe: But that's a good thing. Isn't that what we always wanted? Cole: I don't know, do we? I mean, I get it that I'm finally off the Source's radar and that I don't have to worry about demons tracking me down all the time but, I-I-I'm grateful for that, don't get me wrong. It's just... (he laughs) Phoebe: What? Come here. (They sit on the bed.) Cole: For all intense purposes I've been a demon for over a hundred years, it's all I've ever know. Or been. What am I supposed to do now? Who am I? Phoebe: Well, you're still the good man I fell in love with. Cole: But not the one you wanna marry. Phoebe: I love you, Cole. And nothing will ever change that. But I'm not ready, not yet. And that's got more to do with me and my issues, than it does you. Cole: I still don't know where that leaves us, especially now. Phoebe: Well, just because you're not a demon anymore doesn't mean we can't live in sin. (They kiss and lay down on the bed.)

After pondering a marriage proposal from Cole, Phoebe is forced to face a blast from his demonic past when the widow of one of his past victims hunts him down, looking for vengeance. As a result, they're forced to face an old protégé of Belthazor's who likes to kill witches with the same athame Cole used to use. However, when Paige learns of this, she has an instant mistrust of Cole and tries to convince her sisters to vanquish him. Meanwhile, Paige helps Leo and Piper find out whether they're ready to have kids.

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[Scene: Chandler and Monica's apartment. Chandler and Monica are looking through some papers.] Chandler: Did you see our bank statement? Can this be right? Monica: I know...God. I haven't seen my savings take a hit like this since I was a kid and they came up with double-stuffed Oreos. What happened to all our money? Chandler: I'm not sure what they did, but I'm inclined to blame Enron. Monica: I guess with you doing the internship, we're just spending more than we're bringing in. Chandler: Maybe I should quit and get a job that pays. Monica: Oh, But you're finally doing something that you love! I can't ask you to give that up. Though it'd be nice if the thing that you love was y'know... finding gold. Chandler: You know what? You know what? I think we're making too big a deal out of this. ok? So we pay our bills a little late this month and maybe next month we cut back on a few things. And maybe we start eating out of Joey's refrigerator for a change. You're chef... what can you make out of backing soda and beer? Monica: Ok worse case scenario is...we borrow some money from my parents. Chandler: No! We're not borrowing money. Monica: Why not? Chandler: Because we don't do that. We are Bings! And if there's one thing my father taught me was... well to always knock before going into the pool house... but the other thing was never borrow money. Monica: Wow! I Had no idea you had this much pride. Chandler: That's right! I do! And I'm your man. And I'm going to get us through this situation even if it means you working twice as hard. Opening Credits [Scene: Phoebe's apartment. Mike and Phoebe seem to have finished watching a movie on television.] Mike: I'm gonna go. (He kisses Phoebe on the cheek) Phoebe: Why?? Mike: I haven't been home in a couple of days and I need to get some more clothes. Phoebe: Oh...you don't have to go, I have something that will fit you. Mike: I put that tube top on as a joke. Phoebe: I want you to stay. Mike: I want to stay too but I've gone as bad as much use out of these boxers as I can.. Phoebe: Why don't you turn them inside ou... Mike: Done it. (Phoebe becomes a little more subdued) I'll be back in a couple of hours. Phoebe: I'll miss you. Mike: Me too. (He leaves. A few moments later, he enters again.) You know what? I just realised something. I don't wanna go home. Phoebe: Great! Ok...I'll go get the tube top. Mike: No, no! What I mean is, I hate going back to my apartment now... and partly because I live above a known crack den but... mostly because when I'm there, It's just, I really miss you. So.. do you want to move in together? Phoebe: Wow, Mike Hannigan...You sure know how to make a girl say "Hell yeah!" Mike: So we're doing it? Phoebe: Yeah! Let's do it! Let's live together! (They embrace and Mike kisses Phoebe) Oh god, we're really going to move in together! Mike: Yeah! Phoebe: I've always wanted to live with a guy. "Pick up your socks!" "Put down the toilet seat!" "No! We're not having s*x anymore!" It's gonna be fun! [Scene: Joey's apartment. Monica enters.] Monica: Hey Joey! Joey: Hey! Monica: Listen...I need to know that what I'm about to ask you, will never get back to Chandler. (Joey frowns...then looks as if he understands) Joey: I'd be lying if I said I haven't thought about it myself. Chandler is my best friend, it would be wrong. Good...(He winks)...But wrong. Monica: (Looks exasperated) Ok first of all...It would be great. But that's not what I'm here to talk to you about. I need to borrow some money. Joey: Aww, I don't know Monica y'know... erm... lending friends money is always a mistake. Monica: But Chandler lent you money! Joey: And I think he would tell you it was a mistake. Monica: Come on...I just need it for some rent and..and some other bills. Joey: Oh...how much? Monica: Two thousand dollars? Joey: Two thousand dollars!? What do you think I am? I soap opera star!? Monica: Yeah... Joey: That's right I am! (Opens drawer and rummages through it. Rachel enters) Rachel: Hi you guys! Joey & Monica: Hey! Joey: Oo...what's in the bag? Rachel: Oh er... well you know Emma started crawling? I realised that this place, is very unsafe for a baby. So I went to the store and got some stuff to baby-proof the apartment. Joey: Oh...baby-proofing... Why is this such a big deal now? Y'know, when I was a kid it was like.. "Whoops! Joey fell down the stairs!" or er.. "Whoops! Joey electrocuted himself again!" Huh! Monica: Anyway erm, are you going to get a handyman to install this stuff? Rachel: No. I was just going to do this myself. (Joey makes a sarcastic laugh.) Joey: You're gonna do it? Rachel: Yeah, Why? You don't think a woman can do this? Joey: Oh, women can. You can't. Rachel: Monica...would you please tell Joey that he is a pig? Monica: You're a pig. And you can't do this. Rachel: Wha!? What!? Come on! I found the hardware store all by myself! Joey: The hardware store is right down the street. Rachel: There is a hardware store right down the street? [Scene: Central Perk. Ross, Chandler and Monica are sitting on the couch. Phoebe and Mike enters.] Phoebe: Hey you guys! Ok, we've got great news. Mike: Phoebe and I are moving in together. Monica, Chandler, Ross: Congratulations!/Good for you!/Great! Phoebe: I know it's so exciting! You know I've never lived with a guy before. Monica: Well you know it's just like living with a girl. Only they don't steal your makeup. Unless they're playing "This is what my sister would look like" (Looks at Chandler) Chandler: Yeah.... she's not so cute. Mike: I'm gonna go to the bathroom. Phoebe: Okay, well you put down the toilet seat. Mike: Yes dear. Monica: Is that a bit you guys do? Phoebe: Uh huh...we're playing you two. Monica: We don't do that! Tell her we don't do that! Chandler: Yes dear. Ross: I can't believe you guys are moving in together. That's, that's great! I mean...I'm happy for you guys.. Monica: I hear wedding bells. Phoebe: Monica slow down! Ok? I'm just excited to be living with him. You know I mean, I don't know, Can I see someday being married to Mike? Sure! Yeah. Y'know..I can picture myself walking down the aisle in a wedding dress that highlights my breasts in an obvious yet classy way. But do I want that house in Connecticut...you know..near the good schools where Mike and I can send Sophie and Mike Junior.. Oh my god I do. Ross: Phoebe, I had no idea you were so conventional. Phoebe: I know! I guess I am! Oh my god! Load up the Volvo I want to be a soccer mom! Mike: You ready to go? Phoebe: Yeah! You bet roomy! Monica: Don't you mean..groomy? Mike: What are you talking about? Phoebe: Oh please, these guys, we haven't even moved in yet and they have us picking out china patterns. (Mike seems to gag a little...and laughs nervously. They begin to leave. Phoebe bolts back) Phoebe: China patterns!!!!! [Scene: Joey's apartment. Rachel is fiddling with the drawer.] Rachel: This is easy...Can't do this! (Moves away...and finds her sweater sleeve stuck to the drawer) Oh! Wow! Seriously I can't do this. (Fiddles more) [Scene: Central Perk. Chandler sits on the couch. Joey sits at the round table] Chandler: Hey Joe! Joey: Hey! Chandler: Listen er..I need to ask you a favor but you can't tell Monica anything about it. Joey: I thought you didn't have secrets from Monica. Chandler: And that would have made the official party line. (Joey nods) Monica and I are having a little financial trouble. Joey: Yeah, I know. Chandler: What? What do you mean you know? Joey: Err... I just figured it out! You know, I mean you're not working and the economy is bad. Chandler: Oh! Right. Joey: (to himself) That's the fastest I have ever thought! Chandler: Anyway, err... I need to borrow some money. Joey: Oh! Sure! How much? Two thousand dollars? Chandler: Yes! Two thousand dollars exactly! How do you know that! (Joey begins writing a cheque) Joey: Err...Well I...Know how much you used to make and I know how much your rent is. (shrugs) Chandler: Oh ok. Joey: (To himself) I am on fire! Chandler (Stands up and walks to Joey): Listen...this is really nice. Do you... (sees his chequebook) Did you write a cheque to Monica for two thousand dollars? Did Monica borrow money from you? Joey: Err... Kind of. Chandler: I can't believe her! Did she tell you we were having money problems? Joey: Oh no no no no no... It wasn't... It wasn't because of your money problems, it was for something for her. Chandler: What? Joey: Something personal. Chandler: What would she get for herself for two thousand dollars that she wouldn't tell me about? (Woman with huge breasts cuts across them. Takes Joey's coffee) Woman: Excuse me. Joey: Boob job. Monica: I don't want her to get a boob job! That's crazy! Joey: Well it's...It's not that crazy okay? Making them smaller, that would be crazy. [Scene: Phoebe's apartment. Phoebe and Mike are packing stuff.] Mike: Well hey, I wanna ask you about Monica's little "groomy" joke. Phoebe: Oh! Alright. Well I think the reason people laugh is becuase it's a play on the word roomy. Mike: I get the joke. Sophisticated as it was. Now the thing I wanna say is... maybe we should have talked about this before. Us living together, you're not expecting a proposal, right? Phoebe: Oh no! No no! Not at all. We're just moving in right now. See where it goes. Mike: Yeah well, that's the thing. For me it's as far as it can ever go. Phoebe: What do you mean? Mike: Look. Phoebe, I-I love you. Very much. But I never want to get married again. Phoebe: Oh. Wow. Mike: It's just my first marriage was, you know such a disaster. I kind of lost faith in the whole idea. Phoebe: Was it really that bad? Mike: At one point near the end she deliberately defecated..... Phoebe: Ok, well that's bad. But don't you think it might be different with someone else? Perhaps a blonde who always uses a toilet. Except for once in the ocean. Mike: Look it's not about who I would marry. And I was certain the first time I got married it would last forever. And I was totally wrong! Phoebe: But it's just... Mike: Look Phoebe, It's not about you. I just never wanna get married again. Phoebe: Oh! Mike: I'm sorry. Are you ok with that? Cause if not...maybe us moving in together isn't the best idea. Phoebe: No! I definitely don't wanna get married. No I just wanted to make sure you didn't want to too. Whew! Coz you know when we move in and you start changing your mind there's gonna be hell to pay mister! Mike: Trust me, I will never... Phoebe: Yeah I get that. [Scene: Joey's apartment. Rachel is flipping through magazines. Handyman is installing things. Monica enters.] Rachel: Hi! Monica: So you gave in and decided to call someone? Rachel: Yeah, I don't know who I was kidding. I can barely use chopsticks. Handyman: You're all set. (picks up his bag and starts to leave) Rachel: Oh thank you so much. (Picks up the guy's spirit level) Oh oh wait! You forgot your erm...Your game. (hands it to him) Handyman: Thanks..... (Chandler enters) Chandler: Hey Rach! There she is...My perfectly proportioned wife. Rachel: Don't look at me I never get his jokes. Monica: Thank you? Chandler: Oh no..don't thank me. Thank you. You know there's not one thing I would change about you? Not one single thing! And definitely not... two... single things. Monica: Ok, you're being wierd. Do you want s*x or did you do something bad? Chandler: No no! I just love the way you look, I am warm, for your form. Monica: Ok..You know the old classics you know,You look nice? They're still ok. Chandler: Well yes yes... You look nice can mean that your face looks nice. I want to compliment your body. I mean..I wouldn't change it. At all. And more specifically, I wouldn't want anything to get any bigger. Monica: Okay... Chandler: I mean, You wouldn't want any part of me to get any bigger would you? Don't answer that. (He leaves) Rachel: Just when you thought that dude couldn't get any wierder. Monica: I know why do you think he was so worried about me getting bigger? Rachel: I don't know! I mean, what brought that on? Monica: Oh my god. We're trying to get pregnant so he's probably starting to freak out about the fact that my body is going to change. Rachel: No you really think that's what it is? Monica: You heard him! "No bigger!" "You're perfect!" "Just don't get any bigger!" Oh my god he sounded just like my high school wrestling coach. You know what? I'm going to have to talk to Chandler. Rachel: Yeah! If you don't I will! Of course your body's gonna change. Your breasts are gonna get bigger, your ass is gonna get bigger, you're gonna lose bladder control. (she starts sobbing) God! It's just such a magical time! [Scene:Ross's apartment. Phoebe is at the door.] Phoebe: Hi Ross: Hey! Phoebe: Listen, I wanted to ask you something about marriage. Ross: Oh great now you're seeking me out to make jokes? I mean I can see for all hanging out but to come to my home! Phoebe: No...I really wanted to know how you feel about it. Ross: Why? Phoebe: Mike doesn't ever wanna get married. Ross: Never? Phoebe: Never. Ross: wow, are you still going to move in with him? Phoebe: I want to, but I just want you to tell me that marriage isn't really that big a deal. You know that I won't, I won't be missing out on anything. That marriage stinks! Ross: Yeah, marriage... stinks! I mean if you wanna see a man gain weight and a woman stop shaving? Get them married. Phoebe: That's not how you really feel is it? Ross: No, I'm sorry. Look I don't think that's what you wanna hear right now but I can't help it. I love marriage. Phoebe: Seriously? You divorce-o? Ross: If you have to call me name, I prefer "Ross the Divorcer". It's just cooler. Look, I know my marriage isn't exactly work out. But I love to be that committed to another person. And Carol had some good times before she became a lesbian... and once afterward. I'm sorry. Phoebe: It's ok that's how you feel. Ross: But come on! I mean living together will be great! I mean you guys have so much fun and you love Mike. Phoebe: I do love Mike. Ross: Yeah see? And you are so excited about moving in together before, and you know what? You should be. It's a big deal! Phoebe: Yeah I guess you're right. Yeah thanks. This helped. Thanks. Ross: The Divorcer, to the rescue! Phoebe: It's not cooler. Ross: Yeah I just hurt it. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Joey's apartment. Joey enters carrying a tub of ice cream. He sets it on the table, takes off his jacket and struggles with the drawer. It cannot be opened.] Joey: Rach?! (He walks over to the fridge to put it in, but it cannot be opened either) Rachel!!!!? (He walks to the bathroom and tries to lift the toilet seat cover. It won't come up.) So I can't do anything I like???? [Scene: Chandler and Monica's apartment. Chandler enters. Rachel and monica are seated at the table.] Chandler: Hey Rach! Ah........ Perfection. (kisses monica) Wouldn't change a thing. Not a thing. Monica: Honey? Chandler: Yeah? Monica: About that? Erm...I'm going to change. Chandler: But honey you don't have to. Monica: I'm going to get bigger! Chandler: Honey I... I love your breasts the way they are! Rachel: Argh. fascist Monica: Well, my breasts are going to get bigger weather you like it or not! And you know what? It's not just my breasts. My ass is going to get bigger too. Chandler: your ass?!?!? Rachel: Man, don't be surprised if her hands and her feet get bigger too! Chandler: They...do that? Monica: It's kind of a package deal! Chandler: God why why would you want to do that to yourself!? Monica: I thought I was something that we both wanted! Chandler: Alright look, if it means that much to you, a may be able to get on more with the big boobs. But the giant ass and the big clown feet? Rachel: Oh my god Chandler! If you can't handle this, what are you going to be like in the hospital? With the blood and the screaming and the little present that's shooting out of her!? Chandler: (sedated) What? [Scene: Joey's apartment. He's prying open the drawer with a crowbar to no avail. Monica, Rachel and Chandler enter.] Rachel: Joey! Why did you tell Chandler that Monica was getting a boob job? Joey: Because she is! Monica: Joey, Chandler knows I borrowed the money. Joey: Mmmm hmm! For your boob job! Monica, Rachel, Chandler: It's over/Joe! Joey: OK so I'm out four thousand dollars and nobody's boobs are getting any bigger? [Scene: Phoebe's apartment. Ross is helping with the packing, Phoebe and Mike are also there.] Ross: Hey! What do you guys think about this. "Ross: The Divorce-Force". Phoebe: Better. Mike: Very cool. Ross: Hey Pheebs, you know I'm i'm really glad you came to talk to me the other day and I hope I was a little helpful. Phoebe: Oh yeah you were helpful! Yeah, no, thanks you. Ross: Good, good. Yeah coz the more I thought about it, the more I realised I don't think marriage is neccessarily the right path for you. Phoebe: What do you mean? Ross: Well, I know the other day in the coffeehouse you were caught up in the whole soccer mom thing? but is that really you? I mean can you honestly picture yourself in a Volvo? Phoebe: They are awfully boxy... Ross: I don't know you'd be so bored with marriage. I mean it's so... normal. Phoebe: Uh huh. (Chandler, Monica, Joey and Rachel are carrying a couch through the door) Ross: Hey hey, can I help? Chandler: Well! We er..climbed up four flights of stairs, manueveored a narrow hallway, dodged a rabid pitbul... but these last three feet are where it gets really tricky. Ross: You know sometimes your words... they hurt. Joey: Hey uh, where do you guys want this? Rachel: Yeah, seriously coz this is really heavy. (She suddenly lets go) I mean not for me because i'm only pretending to hold this, but for these guys. Phoebe: Just one last time erm... the marriage thing... there's no wiggle room? None at all? Mike: No but... You don't want to get married either right? Phoebe: Right. Except that I do want to get married. Joey: (voice strained) Couldn't have this conversation down at the truck huh? Mike: You wanna get married? Phoebe: Someday. Chandler: Aaaaand....... hernia. Phoebe: I haven't exactly had a normal life and I never really felt I was missing out on anything but it just feels that now it's my turn some of the regular stuff. Mike: But if you wanna get married why didn't you say something before? Phoebe: Because I just didn't know how much I wanted it. And I love you, and I wanted to live with you. Mike: I want to live with you too! Let's do that! Phoebe: But I don't think I can! it was ok to move in when I didn't know what was gonna happen, but I can't move in knowing that nothing is ever gonna happen. Mike: Can we at least try living together? I mean you might change your mind about marriage. Phoebe: Are you gonna change yours? Mike: No. Phoebe: Me neither. I think I need to be with someone who wants what I want. Mike: But I don't want this to end. Phoebe: I don't want it to end either. Mike: I can't believe this is gonna end. I guess I'll have my stuff packed up. Phoebe: Yeah. Mike: Ok... so...(They hug) Goodbye. Chandler/Joey/Rachel/Monica: Bye bye Mike!/Cya mike!/Bye mike!/Bye bye now! Rachel: I'm so sorry Pheebs. Monica: We're all sorry... (They have a group hug) Chandler: Ah, look on the bright side, I mean you won't have to live with this ugly chair! That was here already huh? I love you. (they hug again) Ending Credits [Scene: Joey's apartment. Joey is struggling with the fridge. He finally gets it open and falls on the floor] Joey: AH HAH! I DID IT! HA HA! Alright... (He takes a box out, about to close fridge, then thinks.) Better take all I can carry. Who knows when i'll be able to get in here again!

Chandler and Monica separately ask Joey for a loan. When Chandler discovers Monica asked Joey for money, saying Bings never ask for money, Joey claims Monica needed the cash for a boob job. Rachel tries to baby-proof the apartment by herself but realizes she cannot. Mike tells Phoebe that he never wants to marry again, which leads Phoebe to question if they should live together.

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VERONICA VOICEOVER: Previously on Veronica Mars ... All the "previously" clips are from the episode or outtakes of the episode 112 "Clash of the Tritons" and opening with Veronica in Rebecca's office. (Rebecca's line is re-jigged from the one in the episode.) REBECCA: You know, Veronica, you're not going to be able to come back with Lilly's death. VERONICA: I'll find closure when Lilly's killer's rotting away in prison. Cut to Logan in Rebecca's office, a shot of Logan not used in the previous episode. LOGAN: You know Veronica was my friend too. Lilly and I would have stayed together. Keith and Aaron at Mars Investigations. AARON: These stories. I mean they're tearing my family apart. The Echolls Family Breakdown (including unfortunate glimpse of director's hand reflected in the mirror behind Lynn). AARON: If you try to divorce me, I will leave you with nothing. No house. No maid and no friends- LOGAN: Right, Dad! You say another word to her and I will kill you. LYNN: I can not take this anymore. Cut to Lynn popping pills RADIO: requesting assistance for possible jumper on the Coronado Bridge. End previously. Open on the diamond-ringed hand of Bone Hamilton, as he thrusts down what appears to be a script. He is lying on a sunlounger, wearing a phone earpiece. He is being served by his wife and his wife, Vanessa, is approaching from the sumptuous house. BONE: [Angry] No! Look, if they can not commit at least ten million, man, we're going someplace else. Handle it. He rips out the earpiece. Vanessa reaches him and passes him a sheet of paper. VANESSA: Nice day. BONE: It's always nice here. What's this? VANESSA: A waiver so Bryce can drop PE. BONE: Drop PE? VANESSA: His physics teacher agreed to sponsor him for independent study so he needs to drop a class. BONE: [Signing the form] Dropping PE. You know that boy could stand with a dodge ball or two. [Handing it back] Toughen his ass up. And why's this club so high this month? VANESSA: Yolanda took riding lessons. BONE: Like on a horse? First time I saw a horse, I was thirteen. Damn thing was on TV. VANESSA: And the streets were tough and you lost a lot of homies But this is Neptune and her friends took them. You should talk to her when she comes home from Gabrielle's. She's supposed to call if she stays over. BONE: I'll do more than talk to her, all right. Tell me this, baby: how do you like to end up with Black Velvet and Urkel, huh? [Snorts] Speak of the devil. Their son, Bryce, gormless and nerdy, approaches from the house. BONE: What's up, his? What's the matter? BRYCE: [Ominously] It's Yolanda. Something's happened. Cut to Mars Investigations where Wallace and Veronica are doing homework on the couch. Their papers are spread out on the small table in front of them. Amongst them is a tabloid, "Week Beat" bearing the headline: Aaron Echolls' Private Tragedy. Lynn's car parked on bridge - abandoned. There is a large picture of Aaron, head drooped and a full body shot of Lynn. Smaller unrelated items are a picture of Reality Television Hits Keep Comin 'Pg. 33. WALLACE: Did she really leave a note on a Blackberry? VERONICA: Yeah. Talk about post-modern. WALLACE: How ' VERONICA: He has not been at school since. We're not exactly phone buddies. Keith enters from outside, gingerly. He very slowly makes his way to his office. VERONICA Hey, Dad. How's the back holdin 'up? Do you remember to take your pills? KEITH: Should not you be doing your homework instead of nagging me? Veronica hands him some pills as he passes. KEITH: Thanks. VERONICA: Next time, remember: drunk lift, combative lease jumpers with your legacy, not your back. Keith takes his tablets with some show of reluctance. VERONICA: And use your heating pad. Keith, miserable, goes into his office. VERONICA: [Throwing Keith's parting shot] And eat fiber. KEITH: Hmm. Veronica smiles and looks at Wallace who has a new do. She's fascinated by it. WALLACE: It must suck to have tabloid creeps in your face at a time like this. Wallace notices her attention to his hair. WALLACE: Stop staring. It's just hair. VERONICA: Resisting the urge to touch ... Veronica raises a hand towards Wallace's head. WALLACE: [Pressing her hand away] You keep resisting that urge. They both turn to the sound to the outside door opening. It's Bone. BONE: Hey, I'm, uh, looking for Keith Mars. VERONICA: Yeah, sure, in here. Dad? KEITH: [Offscreen] Yeah? Bone does not wait for Keith's office and closes the door. Wallace has not taken his eyes off. WALLACE: You know who that is? VERONICA: Should I know who that is? WALLACE: If you're serious about your urban population. VERONICA: I am absolutely serious about my cred with the urban demo. WALLACE: Drive-by Records. [Off Veronica's blank look] Reported to be held in a contract. [And again] Twice and stronger each time. [Veronica is still not getting it] The gangster rap impresario. [Nope] That's Bone Hamilton. Cut to Keith and Bone in Keith's office. KEITH: How can I help you, Mr Hamilton? Keith sits down carefully. Bone remains standing and gives Keith a photo. BONE: My daughter's missing. I need you to get back. Cut back to Veronica and Wallace. VERONICA: Hamilton? God, that's Yolanda Hamilton's dad? WALLACE: I did not know you knew her. VERONICA: We used to be friends ... a long time ago. Opening credits. Yolanda being held up by Keith. Bone can be seen out of focus beyond it, sitting opposite Keith. KEITH: You sure it's not just some kind of misbehaviour teenage. It's not uncommon for- BONE: Maybe your teenager. But Yolanda, she knew the rules. And her friend Gabrielle tells me that she was studying at her place 'til midnight. Now my son, he finds his car up the block, the door open, the light is still on, a sign of struggle. We're not talking about teenage misbehaviour, man, somebody's got her. KEITH: Mr Hamilton, much as I appreciate the business, sounds like something for the police. BONE: Hey, hey, hey. I do not like the police. [Leaning forward] And the feeling is mutual. And what I hear, sounds like something you'd understand. Keith is quiet for a moment. KEITH: Any idea who might want to do this? Bone laughs. BONE: Look, man, let's just say I'm a couple of big deals going down real soon. And there's some cats out there who would not mind seeing it screwed up. Bone unfolds the list and throws it on the desk in front of Keith. It's a long list. Keith gazes at it as Bone stands. KEITH: It's a lot of ideas. BONE: That's just southern California. Keith's face, the so-called placid, is a picture. BONE: Now if you hear anything about New York, Detroit, Atlanta; I got more lists. I suggest you start at the top. Sam Bloom. Bone exits. Cut to the apartment. Veronica is stirring the contents of a large saucepan as Keith enters. KEITH: Hey honey, what's cooking? VERONICA: Not quite sure myself. Something that ends in -aroni. Keith pullovers to a magazine out of the folder he is carrying and starts reading it. VERONICA: Any luck? KEITH: Nothing in the car, no one in the neighborhood saw or heard anything. VERONICA: So you figured you'd check what's up with Nelly? KEITH: I'm reading up on my client. And if you buy it, he's the scariest alive guy who's also launching a line of casual wear. Veronica picks up the photo of Yolanda from the file. VERONICA: She's a senior at my school. I can ask around, background info. KEITH: Sure. But be discreet. Customer's a little sensitive, okay? Veronica nods. Cut to Veronica walking down the halls of Neptune High. VERONICA VOICEOVER: Our client is not only one who's sensitive. This is not the first time I've had the chance to help Yolanda Hamilton. Veronica, looking sad, grinds to a stop in the hallway. Flashback to Yolanda, looking lost, coming down the hallway. Duncan, Veronica, Lilly, and Logan are at Duncan's (wall stickers on the inside of the door: Ramones) and Lilly's open lockers. DUNCAN: Whoa! New student alert. LILLY: Glad to see you guys are equal opportunity oglers. LOGAN: Hey, I do not judge the color of the skin by the content of their sweater. Logan laughs and glances back at Duncan for approval of his wit, which is duly given by Duncan's giggle. LILLY: Good thing I'm not a jealous guy. The bell rings, Logan Lilly kisses and they move off. Veronica heads for Yolanda. VERONICA: What's going on in the teacher's lounge? YOLANDA: This is not English? Mrs Murphy? VERONICA: Not even close. I'm Veronica. You're ... YOLANDA: New. Yolanda Hamilton. VERONICA: Lemme show you. Veronica leads Yolanda past present Veronica day as the flashback ends. Cut to Keith examining a trophy. He swings round to Sam Bloom, at his desk in his office. KEITH: Field Masters, three years in a row. SAM: I was good. So you did not tell me what this was in regards to, Mr Mars. KEITH: I'm trying to find someone, Mr Bloom. The daughter of a customer of yours. To Mr Hamilton. SAM: Yolanda come to her senses and run away from him? KEITH: So you know Yolanda. SAM: I did not. Our kids grew up together. Wh-why would you think I'd know anything about her disappearance? KEITH: He implied that there was some pretty bad blood between you two. A grudge. Sam laughs. SAM: Bad blood, huh? Well, that's one way to put it. Hatred would be another way. Oh, so he did not fill you in. When Bone was, uh, as he was fond of telling the magazines, he did not advertise the fact that he was much better off than he was. Everyone was making money. KEITH: It sounds like you are on good terms. SAM: Sounds like it. When he later did not know that he was involved in some ingenious tax evasion, I had to make a choice. Lose my practice to the IRS or talk. I thing to save my practice. Bone went back to prison. KEITH: I'm not sure I understand. It sounds like he's the one with the grudge. SAM: Well, that's not the whole story. Sam pushes himself away from his desk. He is in a wheelchair and wheels himself around the desk. SAM: About two months in his sentence, I was leaving work. A car pulled up, fired ten shots into my car. KEITH: He tried to have you killed? SAM: Well, it does not matter where I'm realizing who the real Percy Hamilton is. It's Bone. Yolanda's friend, Gabrielle, is sitting at one of the outdoor lunch tables. GABRIELLE: I mean, we might have lost track of time studying ... Gabrielle continues talking to an observing Veronica. VERONICA VOICEOVER: One thing about an ex-cop for a dad is that some boring Sunday when you've seen all the reruns, he might kill time describing, for instance, how to tell if someone's lying in an interrogation. Take Yolanda's friend Gabrielle here: the indirect eye contact, the smile that does not crinkle the eyes. Gabrielle is displaying this behavior. She breaks and looks at Veronica. GABRIELLE: So sh-she still is not back, huh? VERONICA: She's missing. She's in danger. Quit lying and tell me what really happened. Gabrielle thinks about it for a moment. GABRIELLE: We'd been sneaking out of this club in LA, Blender. The bouncer Marcel used to work for her dad. I've been seeing this guy. He's older. My parents would disown me if they knew. VERONICA: How long did you stay at the club? GABRIELLE: When did you leave me? Yolanda was still there. But she had her car. VERONICA: Thanks. I hope she's okay. GABRIELLE: [Pissed off] You think I do not. She's my friend. Who are you? Gabrielle collects her stuff and stomps off. Veronica stares after her then gets her cell phone out of her back. She punches in a number. VERONICA Hey, Dad. Something to check ... VERONICA VOICEOVER: Who am I? I was Yolanda's first friend at Neptune. Flashback to Logan, Lilly and Dick eating Chinese at one of the outdoor tables. DICK: So, new girl. What's your dad do? Duncan, Veronica and Yolanda are also at the table. YOLANDA: He's one of the Dixie Chicks. And, yeah, he makes more money than your dad. Everybody laughs. YOLANDA: Was that your real question? LOGAN: You guys ready for the biggest blow-out of all time? DUNCAN: Where are your parents going this time? LOGAN: Nepal. Logan rubber band off sweaters Lilly's wrist as she eats. LOGAN: Sherpas lug their crap up and down a mountain for two weeks so they can take pictures of a yak. Duncan cringes as Logan flicks the rubber band at him. VERONICA: While I take pictures of you in the comfort of your living room. LILLY: Happens twice a year. His parents leave town. He throws a big party and he gets busted. You must be there. VERONICA: You must. YOLANDA: I guess I must. Cut to present day Veronica, with her cell at her ear. Cut to Aaron, dressed in a dress at the end of the bed in his darkened bedroom. He is gazing at a picture in a frame. Logan enters carrying a suit. LOGAN: If you really want flowers, it seems to be the way to go. Logan drops the following on the bed. LOGAN: Here's your costume. Aaron looks over at it listlessly LOGAN: You know, it's not enough, I can order you a veil. AARON: You remember that day we went to the zoo on your tenth birthday. Aaron reaches out and takes out his hand. AARON: We told you that we were all gonna get dressed up as a favorite animal. You remember her animal. LOGAN: Yeah, it was a mermaid. Logan says his hand is from Aaron's. Aaron sighs. AARON: When it's done we have a trick on her, no one else had gotten dressed up ... [fondly] she wore that costume around the rest of the day, anyway. LOGAN: Yeah, I remember that day. [Breaks and glares down at Aaron] You've got a nosebleed. AARON: You're going to get out of the backseat because we did not buy you a monkey then when I went to grab you, you smacked your head against a window. LOGAN: I guess we just remember it differently, Dad. Aaron sighs loudly and looks away tragically. Logan throws up his hands. LOGAN: It's fine. Logan heads for the door. AARON: Have you heard from your sister? LOGAN: [Bitter] Yeah. She feels a telegram. Heartbroken. Fermare. Can not make it back from Sydney. Fermare. Underwater scene shoot tomorrow. Fermare. Entire crew said prayer for Mom. Fermare. Love you. Fermare. AARON: Logan. LOGAN: Stop? Boy, there's no people like show people. [Does jazz hands] Ya-da-ti-da. [Smiling humorously] She did not send a wreath though. Gah, it's gorgeous. Tulips and hyacinth. Probably set you back hundreds. AARON: Your mom loved tulips. LOGAN: Yeah, it was an overwhelming gesture. Aaron goes back to gazing sadly at the picture in his hand. The doorbell rings. Logan stares at his father. LOGAN: Do not get up. Aaron shows no signs of being heard or the doorbell or his son. Logan stares at him for a moment. VERONICA: [Offscreen] Where you going? Cut to Mars Investigations. Keith is putting on his coat in his office. Veronica is at her desk. KEITH: Marcel, what doorman you call me about? Number four on the enemies list. He was Bone's bodyguard until he paid too much attention to Yolanda and Bone had him fired after a symbolic meeting between his boot and Marcel's groin. Keith reaches for his car keys on Veronica's desk but she snatches them away. KEITH: Veronica, this is a Mars Investigation matter. I'm Mars. VERONICA: And who am I? KEITH: Veronica, and you're staying. VERONICA: Veronica MARS. And you're on painkillers! And the bottle says do not operate heavy machinery and a car's heavy. Keith is irritated but defeated. Cut to Veronica and Keith in the car, outside a club. The music is "The Bomb" by the Pharcyde. SONG: [Repeated ad nauseum] I can not I just can not get enough. KEITH: You? Stay in the car. VERONICA: And remember, you watch your back. I mean that medically. Keith gets out of the car slowly and Veronica watches his progress in the rear view mirror. Cut to Keith, walking up to the top of the line of people trying to get into the club. CLUB-GOER # 1: Did you get in last week? CLUB-GOER #: 2 No. Cut back to Veronica, who is now twisted around to watch what is going on behind her. She has a box with Valet stubs being fed through the slot at the top. Cut back to the bouncer at the head of the tail. MARCEL: I just let her in, man, that's it. KEITH: Bone fired you for being a little too friendly with your daughter. That did not make you a little mad? MARCEL: No, it's made me smart. I got into trouble looking at that girl. If Bone's got you after me, he must not know who was here that night. KEITH: Who was here? Cut to Keith getting back into Veronica's car. VERONICA: Where to, boss? KEITH: Heard of a rapper named Dime Bag? VERONICA: Dad, I thought you read Vibe. "Shot My Boo", "Thuggin '". KEITH: Lovely tunes, I'm sure. But you might remember the guy that Bone Hamilton supposedly dangled out of a window until he signed a contract. VERONICA: That was Dime Bag? KEITH: Number two on the list. He was here Saturday night with his bunch of dudes. Veronica winces and groans. VERONICA: His posse, Dad. The Eagles had a bunch of dudes. KEITH: Well the posse is at the Duke Hotel. Keith picks up a bag from between the seats. KEITH: What's this? VERONICA: Clues. Valet stubs. I figure even kidnappers have to park. [Off his look] I know. Stay in the car. Throwing an impatient glance at her father, Veronica starts the car. The music ends and cut to Veronica leaning against the car in an underground car park. Keith is heading towards her. VERONICA: Any luck? KEITH: Their manager said that Mr Bag is out on the town and that Dime would not talk to me, even if he were here. That is unless Bone might be willing to beg. VERONICA: So what next? KEITH: Plan B. Keith heads for the boot of the car. Veronica considers two different bugging devices. VERONICA: What do you think, the T6 or the T9? KEITH: T9. How do I look? Keith is in overalls. Veronica hands the bug and inspects him. VERONICA: Like a humble drudge KEITH: That'll do. Keith exits. Veronica still has the T6 bug in her hand and puts it in her pocket. She closed the case. Cut to the hotel lobby. Veronica is leaning against a wall near reception. VERONICA VOICEOVER: When I put Yolanda, I never imagined a year later I was waiting in a hotel lobby while my dad bugged a rapper's room trying to find her. I thought it would be a long time ago, and I would be hanging out like we did the first month, just being normal. This being of course before that word lost all meaning. Flashback to Yolanda's house. Lilly, Yolanda and Veronica, who is carrying a large bowl of popcorn, is coming down to a small stairway which is lined with framed records and discs. LILLY: Are these platinum? No wonder you do not talk about your dad. He's TuPac, he's secretly still alive. YOLANDA: He's just a producer. Nothing interesting. VERONICA: So how come he's never around? BRYCE: He's away ... Unseen by the girls, Bryce is crouching at the bottom of the stairs to Yolanda's room. BRYCE: ... on business for a little while. YOLANDA: Excuse my little brother. He's an eavesdropping little freak. Yolanda pushes him away and shows the girls into her room. LILLY: Ugh. Mine's worse. Veronica turns and glares at Lilly. Bryce is left standing outside. BRYCE: I'm doing a project. YOLANDA: Do it somewhere else, Bryce. Yolanda closes the door on him. Cut to later. Playing through the rest of the flashback is Tsar's "The Girl Who Would Not Die". SONG: I remember her The girl who would not die She said it was not true I knew it was a lie People on the street Would cry out if they knew The things that I have done To make the dream come true When she blew my mind away All the feelings were betrayed Heaven would squeeze her Hell would release her into my brain Veronica and Lilly are lounging on Yolanda's bed while Yolanda is curled up in a large armchair. All are flicking through magazines. LILLY: Okay, for my next boyfriend, Jude Law type gold Colin Farrell type? VERONICA: Next? What happened to Logan? LILLY: He's insanely jealous all the time and it's getting on my nerves. YOLANDA: I know it's not cool to admit this goal I like a jealous streak on a man. Keeps' em in line. LILLY: All yours. I'm saying his party this weekend 'cause I do not want him getting all the time. Veronica makes a face that includes sticking her tongue out and Yolanda laughs. LILLY: It's not my fault. I can not help it, VERONICA: Well if you're ditching, that means Yolanda and I will have to party for three. LILLY: Which means Yolanda will be partying for two and a half. Veronica rolls her eyes. LILLY: Oh, but we're still going that fleet thing in San Diego, right? VERONICA: Uh-huh. LILLY: It's the best. All these weird, angry bands play and hundreds of cute sailors get totally wasted and fight on the sidewalk. They all laugh. YOLANDA: You know? I'm really glad I'm putting you guys. LILLY: You should be glad. We're the best. VERONICA: Um-hmm. LILLY: Now I can not wait for San Diego. It'll be rockin 'like dockin'. It's all about it and it's going to be contrasted with Veronica's sad face as it's flashback ends and she stands in the lobby of the hotel. Dime Bag and his hangers-arrive at reception, complaining. FLUNKY: We got some problems here. RECEPTIONIST: What can I do for you? DIME BAG: Yo, y'all call that a penthouse? A pent doghouse maybe. FLUNKY: He's saying it's small. VERONICA VOICEOVER: Uh-oh. It looks like Darius Bagley's aka Dime Bag and crew are arriving home early. Not good. If they catch Dad in their room ... FLUNKY: What we asked for a big ass room. RECEPTIONIST: I'll get you switched right now. VERONICA VOICEOVER: Good news? They will not walk in on Dad bugging their room. Bad news, he's bugging the wrong room. Veronica pulls the spare bug out of her pocket coat and shifts it to her pocket holes. RECEPTIONIST: Okay, room 1411, our biggest. DIME BAG: You know, y'all could learn a little something about VIP service. While this is going on, Veronica has taken off her coat and has taken it to the corner and picked up a clipboard from the reception counter. She puts on a bright smile. VERONICA: Thank you so much, [glancing at the receptionist's name] Sarah. Uh, I'm Melinda, your hospitality hostess. I'm so sorry about the mix-up. The new help does not always get you here, I can show you to your room. Sarah is bemused but does not interfere after glancing at the apparent satisfaction of the guests at this turn of events. Ozmomatli's "Saturday Night" starts up. SONG: Dip, dive, socialize Get ready for the Saturday night Dip, dive, socialize Get ready for the Saturday night Dip (dip), dive, socialize Get ready for the Saturday night Dip, dive, socialize Get ready uh. They head for the lift, Veronica entering and pushing the button to close the door. Cut to Veronica sliding back double doors into a suite. DIME BAG: Ah-hah, yeah. Now this what I'm talkingin 'about, baby. FLUNKY: Yeah. VERONICA: So, you have your bathroom, [frantically looking round] right back there and your television, if you want to watch that. Uh, chairs for s-sitting and your, uh, the phone in case you need to make a call ... The phone is on a table with the back of a couch against which it stands. As she talks, Veronica goes to the table, and the table, she plants the bug under the table. She plays her songs and picks up the phone to hide her action. VERONICA: ... would be, just right like that. DIME BAG: All right. It's cool. VERONICA: I'll have them send you some more ... is that Crystal? FLUNKY: You're damn straight, Melinda. VERONICA: Enjoy your stay. Veronica exits with an expression of relief. Keith is waiting. KEITH: Where have you been? What did I say- VERONICA: Bathroom break. They get into the car, Keith groaning as he sits .. VERONICA: How'd we do? Keith opens a small laptop and sets the bug running. KEITH: I think we're in business. WOMAN'S VOICE: They give us this upgrade, you just watch golf like an old coot. MAN'S VOICE: {Outcome} of ten more minutes. VERONICA: Here, let me try this. Veronica types into the laptop. The Sonic Snoop on the screen changes the transmitter receiver from the T6 to the T9. New voices come in 5x5. DIME BAG: [Offscreen, through the transmitter] Yo, man, that damn hospitality hostess was lyin 'about that Cristal, man! FLUNKY: [Offscreen] And she is hot! DIME BAG: [Offscreen] If you like 'em scrawny. Keith gazes balefully at his daughter as the rapper and his friend laugh. VERONICA: [Forestalling] Just ... please, do not ask. DIME BAG: [Offscreen] Yo, man, did she leave the key for the mini bar, man? VERONICA: Now what? DIME BAG: [Offscreen] Need some drinks. Now we're gonna have some girls up- Keith slams the laptop closed, cutting off the transmission. KEITH: I get Mr. Hamilton to beg. Veronica gets out her keys. VERONICA: [Crossly] I'm not scrawny. [Off Keith's look] I'm not! Cut to the Echolls' house. Pictures of Aaron and Lynn cover a piano in a large lounge area. Aaron and Logan, both in dark suits, are walking into a corridor. Logan, collar up, stops to use the reflection for the window to his top button on his shirt. AARON: Logan. I have a pretty good idea what is going through your head. They reach the front doors. Logan looks at Aaron for a moment then concentrates on doing up his tie. Aaron pauses with his hands on the door and looks at his son. AARON: I know you blame me for your mother's death. That's okay. Our marriage had some very high highs and some [theatrically] very low lows. And I know that this hard act is putting you on your way of coping. But let's make a deal, all right? From now on, we're gonna be team. Our war's over now Logan. [Softly] It's what she would have wanted. Logan, having finished his fashion, looks at his father fairly impassively. He very deliberately donates his sunglasses then gives a peace sign. Aaron nods his head briefly and opens the door. Logan exits first and breaks, then hears the click of a camera. He takes off his sunglasses and peers around. He sees a paparazzi behind a rock. His face is twisted in rage he runs at the photographer who scrambles up and takes off. AARON: Logan! The photographer gets to the door with Logan right behind him. A crowd is on the other side of the gate. The photographer tries to vault Logan grabs him. LOGAN: Picture, man, huh? Logan, at the same time as grabbing the camera, pulls him off the gate with sufficient strength that the photographer's left on his back on the ground. LOGAN: Something real? Here's real for you! Logan raises the camera and smashes it down hard on the drive. PHOTOGRAPHER: Hey, that's a thousand dollar camera! From cringing from the threat that Logan was going to attack him, the photographer sits up and crawls over the pieces. Aaron races up, hands outstretched to stop any fight. AARON: Logan! Enough! LOGAN: You know what Mom would have wanted! She would have wanted to sleep with all her friends. She would have wanted to care for you. So okay, Dad, let's be honest. Maybe we both wished we'd be better. But she's only gone because of you. Logan holds up his hands and storms off. The crowd mutters as Aaron stares after him. He turns to the photographer gets off the ground. PHOTOGRAPHER: Who's gonna pay for my camera? AARON: I'll tell you what. I'll get buried here. [To the crowd] Hey everybody! [Raises both hands and waves] Enjoying the show, huh? Aaron turns and heads back to the house. Cut to a classroom and Bryce, performing some kind of science experiment that involves running water in a fish tank filled with earth and plants. He seems well satisfied with the results. Veronica enters. VERONICA: They said you had PE this period. BRYCE: I dropped it for independent study. VERONICA: Independent study of sand? BRYCE: Civil engineering. Soil erosion modeling in a ... urban context. VERONICA: Cool. I'm ... BRYCE: Veronica. I remember. VERONICA: Just helping you know, you know, see if we can track Yolanda down. BRYCE: Track her down? Like she just gone lost or something. Someone's got her. One of the other low lives Bone stepped on to get to the top. Whatever happened to Yolanda, it is his fault. VERONICA: He is desperate to get back. BRYCE: Hmm. Then where's the police? He's ashamed of me, you know. He's been in jail a third of my life but I'm an embarrassment. State Science Fair winner two years straight but I'm soft. Is that why you guys being stopped? You figure out our dad was in jail? VERONICA: I did not know about that. She never talked about your dad. BRYCE: So, you just drifted apart. It's too bad. She really liked you guys. VERONICA VOICEOVER: And I liked her. Flashback to Logan's party. The music is "Hey Ma" SONG: Look at the range man I was a whole new game plan Looked and said that's nothing but game Cam She was right; she was up in the Range man Dropped her off at the L, now I'm flippin 'the cell That's right I had to call up L You L, what up, I hit, what else, more dome, say word And we got it on tonight Hey my, what's up, lets slide, all right, all right And we get it on it You smoke, I smoke, I drink, me too, well good Cause we get high tonight Got droops, got Shots, got Trucks, got juice, all right Cause we take a ride tonight So my, what's up, let's slide, all right, all right And we gon get it on tonight Logan, Yolanda, Duncan and Veronica are sitting around a low table, playing quarters. Logan laughs as a quarter drops into his glass. He picks up the glass. LOGAN: [Drunkenly] Girl is deadly at this. DUNCAN: You're letting her win. LOGAN: Yep, or maybe it's going to get me drunk and she'll take advantage of me. YOLANDA: Dream on. Logan throws back his drink. VERONICA: Careful Logan, Lilly's just sick, she's not dead. LOGAN: Sick, my ass! She's jerking me around. [Giggles] She's looking sick to you earlier D? DUNCAN: Hey, leave me out of this. [To Veronica] We need to get you home. Remember the last time, Homecoming? Veronica, on Duncan's lap, groans in acknowledgment. She starts to move, Yolanda on both cheeks. VERONICA: Gotta go, yo. YOLANDA: Make a tree, Veronica and Duncan leave Logan and Yolanda to the game and head downstairs. DUNCAN: So, Yolanda seems cool. VERONICA: Oh is she? I've got a good eye. They are halfway down the stairs when Veronica breaks. VERONICA: Oh, shoot, my purse. I'll be right back. Duncan carries on down as Veronica runs up the stairs. VERONICA: Hey, if you guys are still conscious, have you seen my- As she crests the stairs, Veronica stops in shock. The music stops. Logan and Yolanda are kissing. Both seem into it. Cut to Neptune High, still within the flashback, as Lilly and Veronica thread their way down to a crowded hallway. LILLY: They what ?! VERONICA: It was a second look. Let me ask Yolanda about it. LILLY: I do not know a Yolanda, do you? Veronica stares at Lilly, distressed. Cut to present. Veronica exits. KEITH: [Offscreen] We know he has a motive ... Cut to an office at the Hamilton's home. Bone is at the desk with Keith. Vanessa stands anxiously on the other side of the desk. KEITH: ... he was at the club and he will not talk to me. He's the best lead we have right now and we need to know what he knows. Bone is not a happy bunny. VANESSA: [Impatient] Percy, this is not business, this is your daughter. BONE: Look, I ... I know this is my daughter. He snatches up the phone receipt, his apparent distaste. RECEPTIONIST: [Offscreen, on phone] Villa Marquis. May I help you? BONE: Room 1411. RECEPTIONIST: [Offscreen] One moment. Bone sinks to his chair. "Living It Up" by The League plays. The camera cuts between the two as they talk. DIME BAG: Yo, what up? This is Dime Bag. BONE: It's me, Hamilton. DIME BAG: Whoa ho ho ho. Heard you got a little personal problem. BONE: Man, look, II-I'm just calling to see if you know anything about Yolanda. DIME BAG: Yolanda, huh? I can know a little something about that. Why, what's up, what's the deal? BONE: Look, man, wh-whatever you got against me and you- DIME BAG: Bones, I just wanna hear you beg and I'll tell you where she's at. This is like me holding you out of a window. BONE: Damn man. DIME BAG: Wa-wait, now hold on, Bone. Saying "Damn, man" is not begging. Bone gets fortitude from the picture he is holding of himself and Yolanda when she was a toddler. BONE: Dime Bag, man. This is my daughter. If you could help me get back ... I'm begging. DIME BAG: You almost like a little woman there, Bone. But you know what? To tell you the truth. I do not know nothin 'about Yolanda. I mean I can have seen her at the club for a minute, now that was it. All right? So why do not you go back to crying and leave me alone, you little bitch. Bone blusters then slams the receiver, breaking something in the process. KEITH: Wait, wait. Ju-Quiet. The Sonic Snoop is open on Bone 's desk and they listen. DIME BAG: You should have heard this fool cryin '. [In cruel caricature] "Yo, Dime Bag, man, that's my daughter." Sounds like a little bitch. FLUNKY: Hey! She is fine though, man. I would not know what I'm sayingin '. Bryce wanders in the room and listens, unobserved by the adults. DIME BAG: Man, who do not you think is fine. I would be nice though, huh? Bones' little Miss Princess locked up in a closet somewhere, available whenever, huh, I mean, if that was possible, right? Bone can not take it anymore and slams the laptop shut. He stands, breathing deeply and spots Bryce. BONE: What are you lookingin 'at boy? Bryce stares at his father at a time then turns and walks away. Cut to the parking stubs, spread out over Veronica's bedroom desk. She is on her laptop while Wallace spells through them. [SCENE_BREAK] WALLACE: Look at all these valet stubs. Man, I'm in the middle of a hot shot of dudes and making out with sexy widows. VERONICA: Sexy widows show up later. [Sees something of interest on the screen] Hey! WALLACE: What? VERONICA: Bloom. My dad talked to a Sam Bloom but ... he's in a wheelchair. The record page for the Blooms. The first record is from the Division of Motor Vehicles for Benjamin Bloom: 08-15-2004 - Warning - Loitering, reported by neighbors. There is another entry for Rebecca Bloom: 05-30-1995 - $ 150 Fine - Parking Within 10ft of Hydrant Fire. Underneath are Samuel Bloom's subscriptions which are exactly identical in every detail to Samuel Mackenzie's subscriptions seen on "Silence of the Lamb" (tsk, tsk props guys, do not you know you've gotten a cult show here - fans look at this stuff, or maybe it's just me). WALLACE: Benjamin Bloom. VERONICA: Hold the cigar, I'm not done yet. She brings up the personal detail page. It was Samuel Bloom's born on November 22, 1961, and his wife Rebecca nee Leibovitz was born on July 1, 1965. Under children, Benjamin (born in London) 1985. VERONICA: Sam Bloom Esquire has a named Benjamin who was at the club the night she disappeared. I'll take that cigar now. Cut to the Echolls' home. Lynn's wake is in progress. Flowers are everywhere and people in dark suits wander about fairly aimlessly. Logan Enters, playing a hand as he approaches various people .. LOGAN: [To a gray-haired gentleman] Thanks for coming out. GENTLEMAN: Our pleasure. LOGAN: It means a lot to the family Logan shakes his hand with gusto and a little too long. LOGAN: Thank you. [On spotting a woman, click and point at a finger gun at her] Nice to see you. WOMAN: Logan. LOGAN: It's good to have friends around. She takes his hand and pecks him on the cheek. WOMAN: I'm so sorry. LOGAN: It's good to have friends around. He moves on to an elderly couple. In mock seriousness, he takes the woman's hand. LOGAN: My father thanks you. ELDERLY WOMAN: You're welcome. LOGAN: My mother thanks you. [Pause] I thank you. Logan moves on again, taking a deep sigh but it's part of the act. He seems to be taking piss out of the whole affair. He sees another patsy and race up to him, grabbing his shoulders and grinning. LOGAN: I'm glad you're here. As he shakes the man, it can be seen that MAN has something in his left hand MAN: [Somewhat taken aback] Thank you. He walks on, blowing out a breath and playing with the item in his hand; a lighter, opening and closing it. Harvey Greenblatt, Aaron's agent, is talking intently to Aaron. Logan comes out for the first time, seems genuinely engaged. HARVEY: ... Aaron, this is a little awkward goal, uh, the studio's been calling non-stop. They just can not wait any longer. Now I know it's a hard time but we do not want them for somebody else and, uh, I think I should just give them a call, make the deal, just make sure. AARON: Good god, Harvey, this is my wife's funeral. LOGAN: [Hard] So Harve. Harvey turns and sees Logan. LOGAN: Hey. Harvey nods and smiles LOGAN: Do you think next time we have these things that ICM will let us use the boardroom. You know, so there's no travel, no trailer size negotiations. I do not know, it's just a thought. Harvey stares at Logan, uncomfortable. Logan walks closer and seems to be addressing Harvey's goal by the end, he's staring at Aaron. LOGAN: Can I get you anything? Mimosa? Finger sandwich? [Bitterly] A tissue? Logan turns and walks into the house. Harvey sighs heavily and then turns back to Aaron. HARVEY: Look, I-I'm sorry, I ... this is an awful time but ... we do not want the studio to move on somebody else- AARON: Harvey! [Holds up a finger] I do not want you to negotiate this deal for me. In fact, I do not want you to bargain for me. Aaron pats Harvey on the arm and heads back to the house. HARVEY: Are you firing me? Aaron breaks at the door and turns back to Harvey. AARON: No, I'm not firing you. I'm out of the business. I'm done. Aaron uses the Echolls raised in his hands and goes into the house, leaving a gutted Harvey behind. Cut to Logan's room. One of the most popular WEGA flat screen TVs, which has been written with Zelda type game is in progress. TV: Your health is critical! Logan is sitting at the end of his bed, intent on the game. He has taken off his jacket and loosened his tie. There is a knock on the door and Duncan steps in. DUNCAN: What are you doing? LOGAN: Trying to get this magic amulet but it takes concentration so it could keep it down. DUNCAN: Logan. It's your mom's funeral reception. Maybe we should- LOGAN: It's not my mom's reception. It's his. So you want to eat crab puffs and discuss today's "Variety", knock yourself out, man. Thanks for coming, it really means a lot to the family. DUNCAN: Logan, I'm your friend, and I'm starting to get a little worried. Logan finally stops staring at the screen and laughs, throwing the controller onto the floor. LOGAN: And now I'm dead. Duncan is not reassured. Logan slaps his hand. LOGAN: None of this matters, man, do not worry. Logan gets off the bed and walks over a chest of drawers by the window. DUNCAN: What are you talking about? Logan gets the lighter out of his pocket and starts playing with it again while leaning on the chest of drawers, gazing at a picture of he and his mother. LOGAN: You know Mom's dad fought in the Korean War? Duncan shakes his head. LOGAN: Uh. Well, he got this lighter in Seoul. He was taken over when he was captured. He and his buddies escaped and he had it engraved. Logan throws the lighter to Duncan who catches it with one hand. He looks down at it. The engraving reads: FREE AT LAST. LOGAN: And it was always in her purse. But she left it on her trainer the night she disappeared. [Off Duncan 's blank look] It' s a sign. Duncan still does not understand. LOGAN: You know, man, come on, I mean, she hated all this, she hated him. [Laughs] They did not find a body because they were not dead. Logan recovers the lighter from Duncan and holds it up. LOGAN: She just escaped. Logan laughs again but Duncan is seriously concerned about his friend. Cut to Sam Blooms office, where he is at his desk. SAM: No! As far as I know, Ben does not hang out at hip hop clubs. Keith is standing in front of his desk. KEITH: Then why was he there? He was at the club Yolanda disappeared. SAM: Well, II am sure there is some explanation. KEITH: Did you know that he got a traffic warning last month? A neighbor had called someone who was watching the Hamilton house. How did he feel about the shooting? SAM: Outraged. What else could he be? KEITH Where's he now, Mr. Bloom? SAM: He's at USC. But you will not find him there. He and some friends are in Mexico hiking. Can not be reached. KEITH: You hear from him, you let me know. Keith leaves. Sam looks worried. Cut to Mars Investigations. Veronica is at her desk as Keith enters. VERONICA Hey Dad. Did you find Benjamin Bloom? KEITH: No, but his dad seemed squirrelly when I asked how he was. How's your sorority speak. VERONICA: Like awesome! Why? Cut to later. Veronica is on the phone. VERONICA: Hi, is Ben there? Oh, is this his roommate? Cool. Um, hi, this is Lisa, I put Ben last fall on this beach blanket bingo mixer. Keith motions to her to move it on. VERONICA: Yeah, it's a boring story. But, um, I need to talk about something involving crabs and I heard that it was going to Mexico with some of the guys. [Listens] Oh. [And again] Really? Uh, thanks. KEITH: Crabs? VERONICA: No Mexico. Roommate said he's been acting kinda weird but he left alone last week. But he said he saw something on his desk. A hotel confirmation number for Vegas. Keith picks up the phone receiver and dials. KEITH: Tom Decintio please. [Breaks] Tom! Keith Mars. How's Vegas? [Listens] Yeah, yeah, I got somebody here. Veronica holds up her notebook. KEITH: Benjamin Bloom, license 4-PC-1-0-7-5. Might be in one of the hotels. Thanks. Keith ends his call and looks down on Veronica, who sighs heavily. Keith perches on the edge of her desk and leans over her back and massage. KEITH: You've been working overtime on this, kid. Hmm. You said she's a friend? VERONICA: Hmm, something. VERONICA VOICEOVER: What was that word again for almost friend. As Keith moves to a massage both her shoulders, flashback to the school outside. Yolanda runs to catch up with Veronica, who keeps walking, Yolanda to keep pace. YOLANDA: Veronica! Can you talk to Lilly? I heard what Logan said about that night and it's totally untrue. I did not do anything. VERONICA: I saw it, Yolanda. Veronica stops and looks at Yolanda. YOLANDA: We were just talking, you know, and he just kissed me. The story, I threw myself at him? I'd never do that. Please, make her understand. VERONICA: I do not know, sometimes she's really- A car horn honks. Lilly is in her car, at least one other girl is in the back seat. Lilly is shielding her eyes against the sun, shouting. LILLY: Veronica! Come on. San Diego's waiting. Veronica looks back and smiles at Lilly. LILLY: In or out, Veronica? In or out? YOLANDA: I swear, he kissed me. It did not go anywhere. I do not want to blow it here. Lilly, impatient, blows the horn to a couple more times. Veronica looks back at Lilly who does "what are you going to do" gesture. Veronica turns back to Yolanda VERONICA: You should have known better. Veronica turns back on Yolanda, leaving her standing, and heads for Lilly's car. VERONICA VOICEOVER: Do I tell my dad that his fiercely non-compliant daughter has a fresh face? Cut back to the present. Bone enters Mars Investigations. BONE: Hey, we need to talk. Cut to Keith's office. He hands Keith note. BONE: It came an hour ago. They want a half million if I am ever to see Yolanda alive again. KEITH: Okay, I know this is hard to believe. [Examining the note] This is strange. BONE: Strange how? KEITH: Well you get that ransom demand and they give you the details of the drop at the last minute so you can not stake it out but this guy, he gave it all. The time, the place ... BONE: That's' cause he's stupid, man. Look at the top. KEITH: [Reads] If you want a little Miss Princess back home ... BONE: Yeah, that's what we heard on the bug. "Little Miss Princess." It's Dime Bag. Hey, if I do not get my daughter back, somebody Keith nods. Cut to Bone's home office. He is loading cash into a briefcase as Keith enters. KEITH: That the money? BONE: Five hundred plus the GPS tracker and the dye pack you put in here. Bastards will not even make it a block. KEITH: Look, Mr Hamilton, I know we're talking about this goal. BONE: And I've already told you I do not use for the police. I have my justice right here. Three heavies have come into the room, behind Bone. Keith sighs in frustration. KEITH: Look. This is not the way to deal with this. If you care about your daughter, you'll go to the cops. BONE: Hey. If the cops were so great, why are you still one, huh? KEITH: Mr Hamilton. I can not be party to this. BONE: Then you've done you're bit. Check in the mail. BONE hands the box to one of the heavies BONE: Load it up. Let's roll. Keith watches this unhappily and turns to look at Vanessa, stood behind him. She shakes her head and is nodding in understanding. VERONICA: [Offscreen] I thought you were fired. Cut to a Neptune street. It is pouring with rain. Keith has his arm around Veronica 's shoulders, holding her close as they share the same umbrella and slowly walking down the street. VERONICA: Why are we here? KEITH: Trying to save the girl. This is the dumbest kidnapper ever or the smartest. I mean, it gives the drop in advance and it's the worst possible spot. There's no escape routes. It's totally open to surveillance. I mean, getting away with the money will be impossible. Veronica seems to have an idea of the rain, the people and the water pouring down the drains. VERONICA: Maybe not totally impossible. Cut to Veronica with a carrier bag filled with yellow plastic ducks. Keith holds one up. KEITH: Oh, Veronica ... this is really fatping at straws. VERONICA: Make yourself useful. Get those things in a row. Veronica starts the car. Cut back to the street where Bone is pacing. Cut back to Veronica and Keith, using the tracking device in the car. VERONICA: Any signal yet? KEITH: Yeah, take this right. Back to the street, Bone is waiting. He nods to his heavies who are spread around the area. His cell phone rings. He pulls it from his pocket. BONE: Yeah. The voice on the phone is digitally disguised. VOICE: Do you see the taxi up the street? There is a taxi idling up the street. BONE: [Looks] Yeah, I see it. I got the money. VOICE: Go to the trash can on the corner. You'll find a plastic football. Bone retrieves a football. BONE: I got it. VOICE: You can keep your cash. That's a million dollar ring that you like to wave to people inside the football and throw it down the storm drain. I'm watching you. The cab will not stop unless you've done this. Do it now. Bone takes off his ring and inserts it through a slit into the ball which he throws down the drain. BONE: All right, it's done. Now what? The cab moves forward. The voice on the phone is replaced by a dialling tone. BONE: Hello! Hello! [Shouting at the heavies] It's the car. Get that car. Armed, they race to the cab. They open the back doors. It's empty. BONE: Where is she? [Banging the top of the taxi] Damn. They stand around, flummoxed. Cut to a storm drain. Little rubber ducks are popping out. Bryce watches, confused about the ducks but smiles when the football turns up. He grabs it. VERONICA: Hey, Bryce. Bryce is startled as Veronica comes up behind him. He turns and sees Keith not far behind her. BRYCE: How'd you guys find me? VERONICA: Whoever did this dumb or really smart. Veronica picks one of the ducks and removes a bug from it. VERONICA: You're really smart. BRYCE: Yeah, so are you. Cut to the side as they walk up from the storm drain. Keith walks behind them, speaking on the cell phone. VERONICA: So she was never kidnapped? BRYCE: No. She just ran off. VERONICA: How do you know? BRYCE: She always thinks I'm not around but I hear things. VERONICA: Eavesdropping again, huh? BRYCE: She was on the phone talking about someone at the club, running off forever. I rode in the trunk when she left Gabrielle's for LA. Drove the car back, made it seem like she'd been abducted and that was that. VERONICA: God, Bryce, why? BRYCE: Trust me. You would not understand. VERONICA: But Yolanda, is she okay? BRYCE: As far as I know. I think she is trying to get my dad's attention. I may have stolen some of her thunder. KEITH: [Into his cell] So she's okay. [Breaks] No kidding. Thanks Tom. Here's what we'll do. Cut to the Hamilton home. Bone is sitting with his head in his hands while Vanessa paces. Bryce enters followed by Keith and Veronica. VANESSA: Bryce! Where have you been? KEITH: Mrs Hamilton, Mr Hamilton, I think there's something Bryce wants to tell you. Bryce slaps the ring on a glass table top. BRYCE: You lost your ring. Bone picks it up and looks at it. KEITH: Your daughter was not kidnapped. She's just run off. Bryce here's the one who wrote the note. BRYCE: [Off his parents astonished looks] Well, you can be mad, Dad. But you can not call me soft. BONE: No. I guess I can not. VANESSA: Bryce, my god, where's Yolanda? KEITH: She for yourself. Keith steps forward with the laptop. KEITH: She can see you. The pinhole at the top of the screen is a camera. Keith sets the laptop on the table. Yolanda appears, a boy behind her. YOLANDA: Ma? Dad. Here's the good news. I'm fine. And I'm married now. VANESSA: What? YOLANDA: I'm Mrs Benjamin Bloom. Which is why? I'm telling you and I'm blowing you just ... get over yourselves and make up, we're not coming back. BONE: Okay, look here baby girl. How many times do I have to tell that I did not order that drive-by. YOLANDA: You let everyone believe you ordered because it gave you cred. Never mind it just turned me and Bryce into gangster's kids. Bone looks up at Bryce. YOLANDA: Give us your blessing. And, um, we'll come home. After the honeymoon. Bryce scratches his head, unwilling to comply. YOLANDA: All right then, be like that. Yolanda leans forward on the screen and switches off the camera Cut to Veronica's room. She has the camera in place and it is trained on the same Las Vegas hotel room. Yolanda comes into view. YOLANDA: Veronica? Is that you? How did you ... VERONICA: I just wanted to say congratulations on the marriage and I'm sorry. I should have been a better friend. YOLANDA: Veronica, if I had been in your position, I would have done the same thing. There's a sharp knock on the front door. Cut to Veronica making her way across the dark lounge to the door. She opens it. It's Logan, arms wrapped around himself. VERONICA: [Perplexed] Logan, what are you doing here? LOGAN: I want you to find my mother. End.

Yolanda, an old friend of Veronica's, is kidnapped. Yolanda's father, rap producer Percy "Bone" Hamilton, hires Keith to find her. Aaron tries to grieve after Lynn's suicide, but Logan thinks that he is faking, and that she is still alive. Logan asks Veronica to help find his mother.

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[N.B. The title of this episode is based on a title card from Episode 5.19, "Frasier Gotta Have It"] PROLOGUE [PREVIOUSLY_ON] Scenes From "Cranes Go Caribbean" Claire and Frasier in their hotel room: Claire: I'm crazy about you. I just started to feel like you didn't want to be here with me. Frasier: Oh gosh, nothing could be further from the truth. They hug. [SCENE_BREAK] Frasier and Claire in bed together: Frasier: I'll tell you something else. I'm happy. He rolls over in bed. The woman next to him rolls over - it is now Lana. Lana: I'm glad, Frasier. I'm happy, too. They kiss and embrace. [SCENE_BREAK] Frasier on the phone in the hotel lobby: Frasier: I'm on vacation with my girlfriend, Claire - a woman who, by all conventional measures, is "perfect" for me. And yet I've just had a vivid, sexual dream about someone who differs from her entirely. [ ] It's a woman named Lana... [SCENE_BREAK] ACT ONE HELL ON WHEELS Scene One - Frasier's BMW Frasier is driving along a country road. Seated beside and in back of him, respectively, are Lilith and Diane. Diane: Excuse me, but why do I have to sit in the back seat? Seriously, my legs are starting to cramp back here- Lilith: Seriously, why is she here at all? Diane: I have just as much right to be here as you! Lilith: "Here" doesn't mean the front seat! Frasier: All right, listen, ladies, we've got about an hour to go. I would like to have a little quiet, I'm going to turn on some music. Frasier turns on an opera station. [SCENE_BREAK] ONE WEEK EARLIER IN BELIZE Scene Two - Hotel Restaurant Martin, Daphne, and Claire are eating brunch together. Niles joins them. He is now sporting a bushy goatee. [N.B. Odd, in light of Niles's past comic attempts to grow a mustache. See [4.22], "Are You Being Served?" and [6.20], "Dr. Nora."] Niles: Morning, gang. [they all ad-lib hellos] Daphne: How's my natural man? Niles: Mmm, as hungry as I am hairy. [kisses her] Claire: No kidding, that goatee sure came in fast. Niles: I know. I credit the hothouse atmosphere of this tropical paradise - that and our nearly constant nudity. [Daphne chuckles] Gone is the citified dandy of just last week. In his place stands a feral Caliban, a sandy-bottomed Dionysius, a lusty, insatiable - ooh, scones! He takes one. A waiter brings a plate of pancakes for Claire. Waiter: Here is your special order. Claire: Thank you. Martin: I'm starving. Claire and I have been up fishing since 5 A.M. Daphne: You've already got more fish than we could eat in a year. Martin: Well, we didn't just fish! We went for a swim, we explored some caves, and watched a school of dolphins- Claire: But the best part was when he taught me how to hypnotize a lobster. Daphne: You what? Martin: It's all in the eyes. He stares wide-eyed at Claire, then they both laugh. Claire: Hey, Marty, try this. [offers a bite of pancake] Martin: [eats it] Mmm, not bad! Hey Niles, try this pancake! Claire had them crumble the bacon right into the batter. Niles: Oh, I don't really like pancakes. Martin: Well, that's 'cause you're used to Daphne's. Here. Daphne looks wounded as Niles eats a bite. Niles: Oh, those are magnificent! Martin: Yeah! And Claire invented them! Daphne: Yes, no doubt on the seventh day while You were resting. [laughs] Frasier joins them. Frasier: Good morning, all. [everyone greets him] Claire: Hello, my sweet darling man. Frasier: [kisses her] Hello... kiddo. Daphne: So, have they found your luggage yet, Dr. Crane? Frasier: If they had, would I be wearing this shirt three days in a row? Huh, fat chance. A photographer comes over. Photographer: Souvenir of your stay? Martin: Oh, sure! Frasier: By all means. Martin: Yeah, this is a brunch to remember. Niles: It's not a vacation until Dad takes a picture of one of his meals. They pose on one side of the table - Daphne with her arm around Niles, Martin with his arm around Claire, Frasier hunching over them all. The photographer takes the picture. Frasier: Very good! Thank you very much, well done. [tips him] Photographer: You can pick them up at the front desk. Frasier: Thank you. Claire: [gets up] Well, sorry to run off, but I have to finish packing. Frasier: Right. Claire: I'll see you up at the room. Frasier: OK. They kiss, and Claire leaves. Everyone ad-libs goodbyes. Frasier sits down. Martin: Oh, she's a real find, Fras. Frasier: Yes, she is, isn't she? [waves the photographer back] Oh, excuse me? Photographer: Yes? Frasier: Do you think we could have another picture, of just the family? Photographer: No problem. Frasier: Thank you. Martin: Well, what about Claire? She's practically family. Frasier: Oh, very much so, but there may come a time when... say, she isn't. They pose as before (minus Claire), and the photographer takes the picture. Frasier: Thank you again. Martin: [checks his watch] Oh, hey! We better get going, Daph. We got fish to pack! [he and Daphne get up] Oh, and I didn't fillet 'em, because Claire said you can use the heads for soup! Daphne: Well, when I'm chopping them off, I'll be thinking of her. They leave. Frasier sits next to Niles. Frasier: Niles, listen, I didn't want to say anything in front of the others, but I find myself in a bit of a quandary. Well, it's not so much a quandary, really, it's more of, uh, a pickle. Well, not so much a pickle, but well, but, no more than a, a... a cornichon. Niles: What is it? Frasier: I think I want to be with Lana, not Claire. Niles: Forgive me, Frasier, but that's one big-ass cornichon. Frasier: I know, I know. I'm having a perfectly wonderful time with Claire, it's just that my mind keeps drifting back to Lana. Niles: For God's sake, why? She's loud, she's crass- Frasier: Yes, yes, but she's also challenging, and sexy, and exciting. I'm just afraid I may have let go of that too hastily. Niles: Frasier, you do this every time. You are in a great relationship with Claire. Don't overthink it. Embrace it. Frasier: You're right, Niles. Thank you. Yes, I should just go with it. Gosh, I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't know why I keep insisting on overanalyzing everything. SMASH CUT TO: Close-Up of Martin. Martin: [whispering] Because you're crazy, that's why! They are on the plane returning to Seattle. Frasier is sitting across from Martin, Claire is asleep in the seat next to him. Martin leans back to allow a woman to walk down the aisle, then leans forward again. Martin: Claire's perfect for you, but I like her too! How many times does that happen? Frasier: But what about Lana? Martin: Oh, forget Lana! Stay with Claire. [stares at Frasier, chanting] Stay-with-Claire. Stay-with-Claire. Frasier: Dad, I am not a lobster. Of course I'm going to stay with Claire. I was just going through some momentary doubts, and I needed your guidance. Martin: Well, glad you got what you needed. Frasier: Thank you. I feel completely at ease now. No more doubts, no more nagging questions. I'm just being a little overly cautious, that's all. SMASH CUT TO: C.U. of Daphne. Daphne: Who could blame you? She and Frasier are standing by the bathroom at the rear of the plane. Daphne: I'm not sure about Claire either. God knows she has quite the fan club around here, but I think you can do much better. You'll know when you meet the right person. You feel it in your gut. Behind her, Niles rushes into the bathroom with a hand over his mouth. Frasier: It's true. But you see, I don't want to feel like I'm leading her on. Maybe I should just tell her what I'm going through. You know, be completely honest. SMASH CUT TO: C.U. of an Airport Maintenance Guy. Guy: Whoa, that's just what you don't want to do. The plane is now on the ground and empty, except for Frasier and the Maintenance Guy. Frasier: So, you vote for Claire? Guy: I don't know. Lana has her good points. And don't underestimate the crush you had on her in 11th grade. But Claire can give you sophisticated conversation. And she leaves a clean area! He motions to Claire's seat, where the pillow and blanket are neatly folded. Guy: I don't envy you your choice. Lift your feet, please. Frasier does, allowing the Maintenance Guy to vacuum the floor under them. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene Two - Cafe Nervosa Roz is reading at a table. Niles, wearing shorts, a tropical shirt, and his beard, gets his coffee from the counter. Niles: Excuse me, miss, do you have the time? Roz: [glances up, then checks her watch] Yes, it's- [double-take] Niles? Niles: [Jamaican accent] Ya, mon! Roz: You look... did you get hit on the head by a coconut? Niles: The coconut of revelation. I discovered a whole new side of myself in Belize, and I'm not going to abandon Island Niles just 'cause my vacation's over. Roz: Well, Island Niles might want to rethink the short pants. Niles: Island Niles would prefer not to wear pants at all. You should have seen us, Roz - out in the elements, nothing on our bodies but sunblock 120. It was exhilarating and primal, and... frankly, it's disappointing to have to strap myself back into these fabric shackles. Roz: So you're going to be spending your time at the nude beach now? Niles: Seattle has a nude beach? Roz: Well, not officially, but just south of Alki, there's this little strip near the White House. Niles: Thanks for the tip, Roz. Roz: Here's another one: don't go on Thursdays, it's Senior Volleyball Day. Frasier comes in. Frasier: Oh well, Roz, I see you've met Island Niles. At least he did you the courtesy of putting a shirt on. Niles: [proudly] I'm still not wearing underpants. Niles makes the "Hang Loose" sign at Roz and leaves. Frasier: [to the counter person] May I have a latte, please? [sits down] Well, Roz, you'll be pleased to know I have come to a decision: Claire it is; So long, Lana! Roz: Are you sure? Frasier: Trust me, Roz. The brain is racked, the soul is searched, the window is closed. Claire in, Lana out. Roz: I'm glad to hear it. Frasier: Yes. Lana and Kirby come into the Cafe. Lana: Hey, Roz. Hi, Frasier. Frasier: Lana, uh, hi, uh... hello. Lana: Wow, you look great. Frasier: Not as great as you do. I mean, thanks. Kirby: Hey, Roz. Roz: Kirby. Kirby: It's been too long. Roz: No, it hasn't. Kirby: Or has it? Roz: No. Frasier: So, what brings you here? Lana: Well, actually we just picked up the invitations for Kirby's graduation party. Frasier: Oh! Lana: Roz, you're invited too. After all, you motivated Kirby to study. Roz: Well, no, Frasier was the one who helped him. I was just his last-minute prom date. Kirby: You were the prize that I kept my eyes on! And, uh, for your FYI, I'm cool for hanging out, just as platatonic friends, or whatever. Lana: Um, Kirby, we should go if we're gonna pick up your inhaler. Kirby: Thanks a lot, Mom! [to Roz] I only need it in the fall. Lana: Well, we'll see you at the party. Frasier: Right. Lana: Hey, Frasier, don't you be a stranger. Frasier: Oh, no, I-I won't. Uh, don't you be a stranger, either. To me. Lana looks confused, but she laughs it off. She and Kirby leave. Roz: Let me guess: Lana in, Claire out. Frasier: What, that? Oh, that was nothing. It's just, she merely caught me off guard. Don't go reading anything into that. Roz: OK, if you say so. [gets up] Listen, Frasier, I got to go. Frasier: Oh, alright. Roz: But let not... either us... be strangers... be. She touches his shoulder flirtatiously and leaves. Frasier chafes. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene Three - Airport Storage Room Frasier is standing at the counter. A luggage clerk hauls in a large bag. Clerk: Oh, I apologize for the inconvenience, but, uh, at least there's a happy ending, right? Frasier: [sarcastic] My suitcase is inside this to keep it safe? Clerk: So... Frasier: That is not my bag. Clerk: Right. I'll keep looking. He disappears to the back again. Another customer comes in. Man: Have you been waiting here long? Frasier: Time is irrelevant here in the Seventh Circle of Hell - a place where even despair dies. Prepare yourself for a lifetime... Man: Oh, here it is! Frasier: Oh, well, how nice for you. The man picks up one of two suitcases sitting by the counter. He turns to go, but stops. Man: Hey, you're Dr. Frasier Crane, aren't you? I'm a big fan! Frasier: [shakes his hand] Oh, it's always nice to meet a fan. Man: Yeah, thanks. Hey, do you give advice, you know, off the clock? Frasier: Well, this isn't really a good time. Man: Well, because I've really gotten my life into a tangle. Frasier: I'm sorry. Man: No, but, you see, I'm torn between these two women! Frasier: I'm listening. Man: I'm with this woman, her name's Kathy, she's great. But the only problem is, I can't stop thinking about my ex. I mean, she was a real handful, but now that we're apart, I just miss her like crazy. Frasier: Of course you do! And no matter how hard you try to focus on this new relationship, your mind keeps drifting back to her. Man: Exactly! I mean, I even have these, um... Frasier: Dreams! Man: Yes! Wow, you're good. What should I do? Frasier: Well, what are you thinking of doing? Man: Classic shrink response. Um, I'm thinking... do I really want to break things off with this woman? Frasier: Who you thought was so perfect for you. Man: OK, but how perfect could she be if I'm obsessing about another woman? Frasier: That's the conundrum! Man: I know, but am I sure enough to break her heart? Frasier: Especially when the rest of the family just loved her. Man: Yeah- no, they don't. Frasier: Alright, stick with me, stick with me. It all boils down to this: which of these two women do you see spending the rest of your life with? Man: Right. Right, of course. Well, I think it's pretty obvious what I have to do. What a relief! Thanks, Doc. [starts to leave] Frasier: Wait, wait! Let's go back! Just so I'm sure you're sure- Man: Yeah. Frasier: Who are you picking? Man: My ex! I mean, if I'm really honest with myself, she's the one I love. As long as I stay with Kathy, I'm just being a jerk. Frasier: No, well, to be fair, you have struggled with these issues. Man: No, I've really just been trying to have my cake and eat it too. [shakes his hand] Thanks, Dr. Crane. I know what I have to do now. The Man leaves. Frasier seems to have made his decision. END OF ACT ONE [SCENE_BREAK] ACT TWO Scene Four - Apartment Martin is finishing a sandwich in his Armchair. Daphne comes in the door with the groceries. Daphne: I'm sorry I'm a little late, I'll start your lunch right away. Martin: Oh, no need. Claire made the best deviled ham sandwich in the history of deviling. Daphne: Oh, too bad. I missed her. Martin: Mm, more good news! She's still here. Claire comes out of the kitchen with another sandwich. Claire: Here you go, Marty. Martin: Oh, thanks, toots. Daphne: Claire! I can't imagine you came all the way over here just to make sandwiches. Claire: Oh, no. Here, let me take those. [takes the groceries] I'm making fish jerky. [heads back to the kitchen, but stops] You know the secret to making fish jerky, don't you, Marty? Martin: No idea. Claire: Feed 'em coffee. Martin: Feed 'em...? [laughs uproariously, Claire laughs with him] That's terrific! You hear that, Daph? Daphne: I'm standing right here. Martin: Don't you love her laugh? It's like music. Claire: Marty, you are just the sweetest! [goes to the kitchen] Daphne: You used to think my accent sounded musical, didn't you... Marty? Martin: Yeah, but now I'm used to it. Niles comes in the front - clean-shaven, wearing his traditional suit. Niles: Afternoon, Daphne, Dad. Martin: Niles. Daphne: What happened to my noble savage? Niles: [hangs up his coat] I'll tell you what happened. Roz told me about this wonderful nude beach, so I went down there this morning to check it out for us. Well, it was so peaceful I decided to do my sunrise Tai Chi, have my naked body caressed by the rosy fingers of the new dawn, you know? Martin: Oh, jeez. [N.B. Niles's last phrase is an oft-repeated line from Homer.] Niles: Well, I left my clothing and my cares in the car, walked down to the beach and settled in for my first exercise, "Grasping the Bird's Tail." He raises his arms in a martial arts pose. Daphne nods and mirrors him. Niles: Just at that moment, the sun peeked over the mountaintops, illuminating not only my splendid nakedness, but the bus for the Christian Women's Society. Martin: They went to a nude beach? Niles: No, and neither did I. Uh, the next few minutes are a blur, as I zig-zagged my way back to the car, while being pelted with driftwood and Bibles. Needless to say, Island Niles died on that beach. Daphne is trying hard not to laugh, but hugs him maternally. Daphne: Oh, honey. Will he ever be back? Niles: Maybe at Christmas. Frasier comes in. Frasier: Hello, all. [sees Niles] Oh, Niles, welcome back. Claire emerges from the kitchen. Claire: Hi, Frasier. Frasier: Claire. Claire: Did you get your luggage? Frasier: Uh, no. They didn't have it. Uh, could I see you in the kitchen for a minute? Claire: Sure. Frasier follows her into the kitchen. Daphne: OK, Mr. Crane, it's time for your exercises. Martin: Already did 'em. Niles: When have you ever done your exercises before lunch? Martin: Claire and I did 'em together. She has a way of making them seem like fun! Daphne: Yeah, well, if they're fun they're not really working, but all right! Martin: Actually, Claire says- Daphne: Oh, shut up. In the kitchen: Claire: If we need privacy, it's either very good or very bad. Frasier: Well, it's-it's not so good, I'm afraid. Uh, I realize this is sudden. It's just that I've been tossing and turning for the last several days, and I just can't keep going like this. Claire: Well, what are you talking about? Frasier: Well, Claire, I'm talking about... parting ways. I'm sorry. She is heartbroken. Claire: It's over? Just like that? Frasier: Claire, I realize how painful this must be for you. She kicks him in the right shin. Frasier: Ow! You kicked me! Claire: Well, you dumped me! She storms out. Frasier: I said I was sorry! She rushes back in and kicks him in the right shin again. Frasier: OW! Reset to: Hallway Niles and Daphne are standing outside the elevator in each other's arms. Niles: Well, I guess I'll go home and take down the hammock. I love you, darling. [kisses her] Daphne: I love you, too. As Niles steps onto the elevator, his cell phone rings. Niles: Hello? Hello, Roz. The wrong beach, really? Thanks for the warning, that would have been embarrassing. The elevator doors close. As Daphne stands there shaking her head, Claire comes out and tearfully pushes the button. Daphne: Well, see you later. Claire: Well, actually you won't. Frasier just dumped me. Daphne: What? What happened? Claire: I honestly don't know! I was having such a good time, and... now I'm out here. I-I don't even know what went wrong! As she starts to sob, Daphne feels no impulse to hug her, but leans forward sympathetically. Daphne: Oh, um, I'm sorry. Claire: I really liked him. I liked all of you so much. I was starting to feel like part of the family. I was... hoping we'd end up like sisters. Daphne: Sisters? Claire: I never had a sister, [voice breaks] just brothers. Daphne: [voice breaks] Same here! They hug each other, sobbing. Reset to: Living Room Frasier limps out of the kitchen. Martin: What the hell happened? Claire just ran out of here without even saying goodbye. Frasier: We broke up. Martin: What?! Frasier: Well, I broke up with her. Martin: You are a piece of work, aren't you? You just couldn't stand a good thing, could you? I bet you were planning on this since Belize. Frasier: I have not! Martin: Ah, don't give me that. You did the same thing you always do: you go around asking everybody's advice, then you just do whatever the hell you want - and it's usually wrong, by the way! Frasier: Look, I was just being true to my feelings, Dad. There's no reason to be mad at me. Martin: I'm not mad at you. I'm mad at myself. I knew this was coming and I let myself get attached. Daphne re-enters. Frasier: Well, I'm sorry, Dad. Claire's great, it's just she's not the right person for me. Daphne knows! [to her] Will you tell him? Daphne kicks him in the right shin and storms to her room. Frasier: OW! Would you people stop doing that! [SCENE_BREAK] CHEESE AND SYMPATHY Scene Five - Lana's House Lana opens the door to Frasier and Roz, bearing gifts. Lana: Oh, come in! [sees gifts] Oh, you didn't have to do this! Roz: [as she takes them, to Frasier] Told you. They come in. The room is occupied by Kirby and a group of his high school friends. Frasier: I sense a scholar in our midst! [shakes Kirby's hand] Ha-ha, congratulations, Kirby! Let's see the sheepskin! Kirby: Dude! Wait until the party gets going a little. Frasier: [trades a look with Roz, then] Good thinking. I'll just, uh, see what your mother's doing. [goes to kitchen] Kirby: Hi, Roz. Roz: Kirby. Kirby: Got our prom pictures back. He takes them out and stands next to her to show them. Kirby: I had them retouched a little. You're smiling in them now. Roz: [looking at the pictures] I notice you also have your hand on my ass. Kirby: Where? Oh, you mean now. Do you not like it? In the kitchen, Frasier and Lana are spreading spray cheese on crackers. Frasier: You know, I'm having a devil of a time with this cheese can. Lana: Just hold the nozzle close to the cracker so you make a little flower, like this. [does] Here, try one. [feeds him the cracker] Frasier: Mmm, well, I can honestly say that is the best canned cheese I've ever had. [they laugh] Lana, listen, there's something I'd like to talk with you about. Lana: If this is about Claire, I already know. Frasier: Oh gosh, I'm so sorry, it's just I- Lana: Frasier- Frasier: She's a perfectly wonderful girl- Lana: You don't have to explain it to me. I mean, sometimes you just don't feel it. That's OK. Frasier: Really? I thought you'd be mad at me. Lana: Well, why would I be mad? I mean, it's not like I get a commission on every match I make. [laughs] Frasier: So, we're OK? Lana: Well, sure we're OK. We're better than OK. Frasier: Right. Better than OK. He is about to make his move, when... Girl: [o.s.] You total slut! Frasier: Oh. Oh no, Roz. Uh... [gets up] He goes out into the living room, and sees Kirby being braced by his ex-girlfriend, Kristi, who has just arrived with one of her friends. Kristi: You told me not to come because this was just gonna be some boring party with your mom's friends! Kirby: Roz is my mom's friend! Kristi: She was your prom date! Kirby: ...Damn, baby, why you got to be this way? I'm trying to show you respect by keeping you from seeing my other lady! Roz: I was never his lady! Kirby: Damn, baby, that's cold. Kristi: She's old enough to be your mother practically! Roz: Damn, baby, now THAT'S cold. Kristi: Whatever! Kristi and her friend storm out. Kirby: Wow. That did not go so great. Frasier: Well, those things rarely do, Kirby. The door opens again - this time it is the Man from the Airport (Bob). Bob: Hey, buddy! Kirby: Dad, you're here! Bob: Oh, I wouldn't miss it for anything! [hugs his son] Where's Mom? I really need to talk to her. Kirby: I'll go get her. [exits] Bob: [sees Frasier] Wow, small world! What are you doing here? Frasier, hoist with his own petard, is speechless. END OF ACT TWO

Frasier and his family are still with Claire in Belize. Niles and Martin think Claire is wonderful (although Daphne resents this), but Frasier is troubled by a dream he had about Lana, and wonders if he is with the right woman. On returning to Seattle, he meets a man at a lost luggage office who is torn between two women, and who asks Frasier's advice as a psychiatrist. Frasier says he must consider whom he would spend the rest of his life with, prompting him to choose his ex-wife over his new woman. This sets Frasier thinking, and on returning to his apartment he finds Claire and breaks up with her, to the indignation of the rest of his family (and also Daphne, surprisingly). He then attends Kirby's graduation party with Roz, hoping to discuss his feelings with Lana, but is astonished when the man from the luggage office also turns up. It turns out that this man, Bob, is Kirby's father, who left Lana for his dental hygienist. Now he wants her back, acting on Frasier's advice. Lana throws him out, and then retires to her bedroom. Kirby begs Frasier to talk to her, and in the end he takes the honorable course by advising Lana to talk to Bob, since she clearly still has feelings for him. Returning home later in a state of distress, Frasier finds his family totally unsympathetic, and something Martin says particularly upsets him: "It's not easy coming up with happy talk every time you can't make it work with a woman." Frasier takes a drive by himself to think about this, and his thoughts manifest themselves on screen as a discussion between him, three former partners (Diane Chambers and ex-wives Lilith Sternin & Nanette Guzman) and even his late mother, as he searches for a reason why his relationships often fail. Before the search is over, he is confronted with a crowd consisting of "every woman [he] ever dated". Note: This episode is dedicated to David and Lynn Angell, who were killed on American Airlines Flight 11 during the September 11 attacks .

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MAWDRYN UNDEAD BY: PETER GRIMWADE Part Three First Air Date: 8 February 1983 Running time: 24:32 [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: Don't you see, Brigadier? The TARDIS came to Earth in 1977 and so did the transmat capsule, carrying someone from that ship in space. BRIGADIER: And Tegan and the other girl think, or rather thought, it was you. DOCTOR: Indeed. And what did you think? BRIGADIER: No, Doctor. DOCTOR: You were there. BRIGADIER: You mustn't make me remember. DOCTOR: You must. I need the information to protect Nyssa and Tegan. BRIGADIER: Even if I wanted to, I simply couldn't recall it. DOCTOR: That experience could be the reason for your nervous breakdown. BRIGADIER: Good heavens. Do you think so? DOCTOR: Now. Come on. We've got to get back to the capsule before Turlough works out how to operate it, or I may never get the TARDIS back. [SCENE_BREAK] TEGAN: You're not the Doctor. MAWDRYN: You travel with a Time Lord and know nothing of metamorphosis. TEGAN: Yes, but it wasn't like this before. When he changed, he turned into a human. MAWDRYN: Yes, a Gallifreyan human. TEGAN: He was normal. MAWDRYN: What do you know, prattling Earth child, of the endless changing? TEGAN: I know that when the Doctor changed, he didn't turn into an alien. MAWDRYN: The transmatting induced a mutative catalysis. TEGAN: Nyssa, is that possible? NYSSA: I don't know. It could be. TEGAN: What do you think, Brigadier? BRIGADIER: I've seen this happen twice. Different each time, but, well, this could well be the Doctor. TEGAN: His features, how've they developed so quickly? MAWDRYN: The atmosphere of the TARDIS has certain regenerative qualities, but my condition is unstable. We must return to the ship at once. TEGAN: Why there? MAWDRYN: It should have a laboratory. I need its equipment. Hurry! NYSSA: We can't leave Turlough. He doesn't belong in this time zone. MAWDRYN: Turlough? [SCENE_BREAK] TURLOUGH: It should work. [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: Quickly! [SCENE_BREAK] TURLOUGH: Of course! The transmitter. [SCENE_BREAK] TEGAN: But if you're the Doctor, you should have transmatted to Earth in 1983. MAWDRYN: Any escape from a warp ellipse can cause temporal anomalies. NYSSA: It's true. That's what must have happened to the TARDIS. MAWDRYN: But now I need your assistance to return the TARDIS to the ship. [SCENE_BREAK] TURLOUGH: What will that do? DOCTOR: Reflect the beam back off the ship. TURLOUGH: So the warp ellipse will absorb the time differential? DOCTOR: That's right. TURLOUGH: But will it work? [SCENE_BREAK] MAWDRYN: Tegan, Nyssa, Brigadier. My old friends, please, help me. BRIGADIER: Do we have any real choice? We must give him the benefit of the doubt in case he is the Doctor. [SCENE_BREAK] BRIGADIER: But will it work, Doctor? DOCTOR: Always the optimist, Brigadier. BRIGADIER: That's not an unreasonable question. DOCTOR: By the way. Yours, I think. [SCENE_BREAK] NYSSA: We're ready to leave, Brigadier. BRIGADIER: And I'm coming with you. TEGAN: Brigadier BRIGADIER: No, don't argue. NYSSA: As you wish. MAWDRYN: Do not enter new coordinates. Activate sequential regression. TEGAN: Not another alarm? NYSSA: I don't know. Doctor? I think it's the communication system. [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: Turlough, would you check to see if the transmitter's functioning? Tegan and Nyssa can use the beam as a beacon. If all goes well, the TARDIS should reappear. Ah. Brigadier, quickly, think. Did you go into the TARDIS with Tegan and Nyssa? BRIGADIER: I can't remember. Does it really matter? DOCTOR: Of course it matters. Can you imagine what would happen if you walked out of the TARDIS in 1977 and met yourself in 1983? BRIGADIER: Oh, that's ridiculous. DOCTOR: It's not ridiculous, Brigadier, almost certainly catastrophic. BRIGADIER: What, do you mean that I could be two people? DOCTOR: Obviously. You'd exist twice over. And if the two of you met, you'd short out the time differential. Don't you see? The Blinovitch limitation effect? Oh dear. As Tegan would say, zap! [SCENE_BREAK] TURLOUGH: Doctor! DOCTOR: Oh no. [SCENE_BREAK] NYSSA: It's stopped. MAWDRYN: Dematerialise. TEGAN: Wait. If that sound came from the communication system, then maybe someone was trying to get in contact with us. Perhaps it was the Doctor. MAWDRYN: I am the Doctor. Dematerialise immediately. Time is running out. We must leave this place at once. TEGAN: No! [SCENE_BREAK] BRIGADIER: If it's any use to you, Doctor, I recall now that I didn't board the TARDIS in 1977. I was standing near the transmitter and I remember it dematerialising. DOCTOR: Thank you, Brigadier. The problem is now strictly academic. I cannot even return to the ship. BRIGADIER: You're trapped on Earth? DOCTOR: Unless I can assemble some equipment for tracking the TARDIS, and soon. BRIGADIER: A sort of homing device? DOCTOR: Indeed. BRIGADIER: I have such an object. Tegan gave it to me. DOCTOR: What did you say? BRIGADIER: The homing device. DOCTOR: Where? BRIGADIER: You never know when something like that's going to come in useful. DOCTOR: Brigadier, where is it? BRIGADIER: Back at the hut. DOCTOR: Come on. There isn't a moment to lose. [SCENE_BREAK] MAWDRYN: The ship. You will all stay here in the TARDIS. TEGAN: Wait. If you're in a regeneration crisis then you'll need all the help you can get. MAWDRYN: No. BRIGADIER: She's right, Doctor. MAWDRYN: No, I must go into the ship alone. You do not understand the nature of the transmogrification, the unique restorative conditions of that vessel. The presence of other lifeforms would inhibit the reparation. TEGAN: We've all seen the Doctor regenerate before, and it seems without the presence of other life forms, he could die. MAWDRYN: Open the doors. TEGAN: No. You're not going out into that ship alone. Either we go with you, or you stay here. NYSSA: But Tegan TEGAN: Look, he could reactivate the beam and the TARDIS could be stuck here forever. NYSSA: But if he is the Doctor TEGAN: I don't believe it. MAWDRYN: Doors! TEGAN: No! MAWDRYN: Hurry, you're destroying me. [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: It isn't working. BRIGADIER: Well, can you repair it? DOCTOR: Hopefully. [SCENE_BREAK] MAWDRYN: Spare me the endurance of endless time, the agony of perpetuity. For pity's sake, release me. BRIGADIER: Do as he asks. NYSSA: I agree. TEGAN: I hope you know what you're doing. NYSSA: We can't be certain he isn't the Doctor. TEGAN: Can't we? [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: That's it. TURLOUGH: Have you located the TARDIS? DOCTOR: It must be on the ship. I'm a fool. I should have realised. BRIGADIER: That thing Tegan saw inside the capsule. It must have been mutilated by the transmat process and couldn't survive the return journey. TURLOUGH: So it's used your TARDIS? DOCTOR: Yes. Come on, the capsule. TURLOUGH: But there's no beam. The transmitter's been destroyed. DOCTOR: You're forgetting this. The TARDIS is on board the ship, and this will home in on the TARDIS. Come on. TURLOUGH: Coming? Sir. [SCENE_BREAK] BRIGADIER: Right, time for a recce. I think I'd better keep an eye on this character in case you're right about him, Tegan. TEGAN: I'm coming with you. BRIGADIER: You girls will stay here. TEGAN: We girls are perfectly capable BRIGADIER: You will both remain here in the TARDIS and that is an order, Miss Jovanka. [SCENE_BREAK] BRIGADIER: Good heavens. [SCENE_BREAK] TEGAN: Chauvinist. [SCENE_BREAK] BRIGADIER: This is the third time today that I've yomped up that wretched hill. DOCTOR: Good of you to come and see me off, Brigadier. BRIGADIER: No, I'm not letting you out of my sight. You've raised too many questions that I want answering. DOCTOR: The transmat could be dangerous. BRIGADIER: I'm coming with you. DOCTOR: If you insist. TURLOUGH: And so am I. BRIGADIER: Oh, don't be ridiculous, Turlough. TURLOUGH: The Doctor needs my help. And besides, how do I explain to the Headmaster where you've gone? DOCTOR: Turlough could be useful. BRIGADIER: And what about the danger you implied? DOCTOR: It still exists, but if you're so concerned about Turlough, set an example and stay behind. BRIGADIER: Moral blackmail. BRIGADIER: How long will the journey take? DOCTOR: Come on. [SCENE_BREAK] BRIGADIER: It isn't possible. Such luxury. [SCENE_BREAK] BRIG '77: Doctor? MAWDRYN: I, Mawdryn, have returned. It is time for the awakening. Help me. BRIG '83: Doctor, we're supposed to be looking for the TARDIS. Your friends may be in danger. DOCTOR: The creature will have left the TARDIS by now. He'll need his own life support systems. DOCTOR: I don't remember that. Turlough, find the TARDIS and stay with Nyssa and Tegan. Brigadier, I want you to come with me. BRIG '83: Are you sure? [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: A metamorphic symbiosis regenerator. BRIG '83: Really. DOCTOR: Used by Time Lords in cases of acute regenerative crises. BRIG '83: Well, what's it doing here? DOCTOR: It must have been stolen from Gallifrey. [SCENE_BREAK] MAWDRYN: I bring to the ship a TARDIS. The time of our ending is near. Help me. TURLOUGH: It's not my fault the Doctor was able to home in on the TARDIS. Can you hear me? There's not much I can do with the Brigadier about. Answer me! [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: Someone on this ship has been trying to regenerate. BRIG '83: The creature, the alien? DOCTOR: It would explain the mutilation. Severe instability. BRIG '83: Well, where is he now? Perhaps he didn't make it in time. Collapsed somewhere. May even be dead. DOCTOR: Or undead, Brigadier. BRIG '83: But why should this creature want to regenerate? DOCTOR: Extend its life. BRIG '83: But what for? DOCTOR: I don't know, but you can be sure it's for no good reason. Ah. Brigadier, look at this. BRIG '83: Hmm? DOCTOR: Connections to the regenerator. Eight of them. BRIG '83: So, there's more than one creature on board. DOCTOR: Somewhere. [SCENE_BREAK] GUARDIAN: While the Doctor is still alive, I am never far from you, Turlough. TURLOUGH: I'm sorry. I wasn't to know the Doctor had a homing device. GUARDIAN: Whimpering boy. You do not understand. Everything now acts towards the total humiliation of the Doctor. You have done well. Reach out your hand. TURLOUGH: What? GUARDIAN: There is nothing to fear. Reach out your hand. [SCENE_BREAK] BRIG '83: Shouldn't we get to the TARDIS? DOCTOR: There have been some very cunning modifications. BRIG '83: That all looks extremely dangerous. DOCTOR: Oh, quite right. It could do very nasty things to a genuine Time Lord. BRIG '77 (OOV.): Doctor? BRIG '83: Listen. DOCTOR: We should get back to the TARDIS, Brigadier. [SCENE_BREAK] BRIG '77: Doctor? [SCENE_BREAK] MUTANT: Mawdryn has returned. MUTANT 2: Does he bring hope of our ending? MUTANT: Where is Mawdryn? [SCENE_BREAK] BRIG '83: Doctor, we must get on. Now where's he gone? MAWDRYN: Brigadier. Brigadier. Help me. BRIG '83: Doctor? [SCENE_BREAK] TEGAN: I'm going after the Brigadier. NYSSA: Is that wise? TEGAN: I'm not in the army. I'm not taking orders from him. NYSSA: But you could get lost out there. TEGAN: Well, I'm prepared to take the risk. You can stay here if you want to. I'm going after the Doctor. The real Doctor. DOCTOR: Right. TEGAN: Doctor! DOCTOR: Er, wait here. [SCENE_BREAK] MAWDRYN: Increase the power. The energy repairs the depredations of the transmat capsule. BRIG '83: You're not the Doctor at all. MAWDRYN: I am Mawdryn. BRIG '83: Where is the Doctor? MAWDRYN: I don't know. BRIG '83: You're lying. If you don't tell me, I shall disconnect the power. MAWDRYN: No matter. BRIG '83: I imagine it matters to you if you die. MAWDRYN: Without the energy, only our shape will change. Our endless voyage will never cease. We cannot die. [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: Where's Turlough? NYSSA: You brought that boy with you? DOCTOR: And the Brigadier, but I've lost both of them. TEGAN: What do you mean, you brought the Brigadier? DOCTOR: You mean he's here with you as well? TEGAN: As well? DOCTOR: How could you be so stupid! TEGAN: What? NYSSA: He insisted on coming. DOCTOR: He also insisted on coming with me. NYSSA: Oh, no. What if they should meet? DOCTOR: Precisely. Come on, we've got to find them. [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: Better check the laboratory. Tegan, you stay here in case the Brigadier come past, in which case, stop him. Come on. [SCENE_BREAK] BRIG '83: Doctor. DOCTOR: Brigadier, thank goodness you're all right. One of you, anyway. NYSSA: Doctor, that's him. MAWDRYN: I am Mawdryn. Welcome to my ship, Time Lord. [SCENE_BREAK] GUARDIAN (on scanner): You will not be able to operate the TARDIS. TURLOUGH: I can work it if you show me how. Then the Doctor will be trapped and I can escape. Isn't that the agreement? GUARDIAN (on scanner): Do you think I have controlled you merely to prick the flesh of this presumptuous Gallifreyan? TURLOUGH: What more do you want of me? GUARDIAN (on scanner): You will remain on the ship and witness the nemesis of the Doctor. [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: It was you who stole the regenerator from Gallifrey. MAWDRYN: Yes, Doctor, but time itself has punished us for that crime. DOCTOR: And you modified the machine and created endless life for yourself. MAWDRYN: Endless torment. DOCTOR: Ah, you induced a perpetual mutation. MAWDRYN: So horrible that the elders of our planet exiled us to this ship. DOCTOR: How were you able to come to Earth? MAWDRYN: Every seventy years the beacon guides us to within transmat distance of a planet, and using the mental energy of the other seven, one of our company may leave the ship to seek help, taking on the appearance of a native of that planet. NYSSA: But what help can there be for you? MAWDRYN: None, it seems. We remain in this pitiful state. NYSSA: The TARDIS. You stabilised in the TARDIS. MAWDRYN: That is true. The atmosphere of the TARDIS was suitable. But without those influences we degenerate. NYSSA: But can never die. MAWDRYN: It is the Time Lords' curse. DOCTOR: It's the result of your own criminal ambition. MAWDRYN: The Time Lords could have given us the missing element. They abandoned us! TEGAN: Doctor, there are others like him coming this way. MAWDRYN: My brothers in exile. TEGAN: I knew you weren't the Doctor. BRIG '83: Look out! BRIG '83: Who are they? DOCTOR: Fools who tried to turn themselves into Time Lords. It all went disastrously wrong. MAWDRYN: It is eternal agony. That is why we long for death. TEGAN: They're immortal? DOCTOR: For what it's worth. MAWDRYN: Help us. DOCTOR: No. MAWDRYN: Give us the energy of a Time Lord! Help us to die! DOCTOR: I can't! MAWDRYN: For pity's sake. TEGAN: Doctor, why can't you help them? DOCTOR: Don't you understand? If I did, it would be the end of me as a Time Lord.

The Doctor travels to the orbiting spaceship with the Brigadier. Soon to discover a piece of Timelord technology on board the ship. Tegan and Turlough travel to the ship with their version of the Brigadier.

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Act 1 IT WAS EITHER "THE WHEAT FIELD" OR "SANDSTORM" Scene 1 - Frasier's Apartment Fade in. Martin is in the kitchen, getting a trim from Daphne while he goes over his mail. Martin: Geez, look at this stuff. "Golden Sunset Retirement Village," "Investments for Seniors," "Willow Brook Mortuary"? What the hell kind of list am I on? Daphne: Well, the good news is I don't think it's the kind of list they keep you on very long. Martin: Oh, ever since I turned sixty-five, all I get is geezer mail. It's very depressing. Daphne: If you ask me, the only thing depressing about being a geezer is looking like one. There's lots of things a person can do to make himself look younger. How he dresses... Martin: Nah, I tried those Jordache jeans. I just think you oughta leave somethin' to the imagination. Daphne: Well, there's always your hair. I know it's not exactly your style, but there's nothing wrong with covering up that gray. [Martin makes a face.] I know just the right shade for you: cinnamon sable. Martin: [thoughtfully] Cinnamon sable, huh? Sounds nice. Oh wait! I couldn't use that, it's Duke's shade. He'd scratch my eyes out. The doorbell rings. CUT TO: the living room as Frasier answers it. It is Niles. Frasier: Hello, Niles. Niles: [holding up a folder] Frasier, prepare to salivate! Frasier: Niles, if that is a picture of your new Biedermeier loveseat, you've already shown it to me. Niles: [pulling out a photo] No, this is a photo of my latest purchase: an exquisite, eighteenth-century Turkish prayer rug. Paid a fortune for it, but legend says whatever you pray for on this rug will come to you. Frasier: Certainly worked for the dealer. Oh, I'm sorry Niles, I'm just not in the best of moods. I just had another disastrous blind date today. Niles: Oh, I'm sorry. Frasier: I mean, murderers on death row can find women to marry them! I can't find one to sit through coffee! Niles: It's easy for those men to attract women, they have all that time to work out in the yard. Frasier: I'm serious. I'm getting desperate here. Niles: Don't obsess about this. My love life's not much better than yours, but you don't see me going off the deep end. Frasier: Oh, really. Did it ever occur to you that this recent antique buying binge you've been on is nothing but a way of sublimating your frustrated sexual desires? Niles: That's preposterous! These purchases have nothing to do with s*x. Frasier: Oh, don't they? In addition to the loveseat, let's see, your most recent acquisitions have been: a French bed- warmer... a pair of Toby jugs... the less said about that Civil War ramrod, the better. Niles: Oh, you Freudians! Sometimes a ramrod is just a... oh hell, even I can't make that one fly. Daphne comes in to set the table. Frasier: Take heart, Niles. We're both in the same boat. The hard part is, where do you go to meet people? Daphne: Oh, it's not that hard. Just yesterday I met a very nice man at the grocery. We got to talking, and he asked me if I was free Saturday night. I said, "Yes." He said, "Oh, wait, that's my niece's bat mitzvah." I said, "I've never been to a bat mitzvah." He said, "Would you like to go to the bat mitzvah?" I said, "Oh, yes. I'd love to go to the bat mitzvah." So he said... Frasier: Daphne? Daphne: Yes? Frasier: Oh, nothing, I'm sorry. Go on. Daphne: Hmm... Oh, I seem to have lost my train of thought. Oh, well. Anyone like some tea? Both: Oh, love some/Thank you, yes. She heads for the kitchen. Frasier: A little trick I discovered a few weeks ago, it's a lifesaver. Anyway, as I was saying, where does one go to meet available women? Niles: There are singles bars, of course. Uh, we could join a health club. Frasier: Oh, there's a splendid idea. Yes, I can just picture the two of us: tank tops and spandex. Find us a pair of matching headbands, we might as well just sterilize ourselves! Martin: [coming from the kitchen] Wow, sounds like fun, Daph. [muttering] If she says "bat mitzvah" one more time... Hey, Niles. Niles: Hey Dad. [to Frasier] Well, if you're so smart, you come up with an idea. Martin: What're you guys talkin' about? Frasier: Oh, just our pathetic love lives. Martin: Well, you know, why don't you do what my buddies and I used to do when we were young and hard up for dates? Frasier: Invade Korea? [Niles bursts out laughing.] Martin: No, we threw a party. With just one rule: only single, available people were invited. Frasier: Well, I don't know, Dad. That doesn't really sound like us. Martin: Well, I don't know, it works. I used to throw one a month. People used to call them Marty Parties. People would call me up and say, "Hey, Marty, when's the next Marty Party?" "Isn't it about time for another Marty Party?" "Sure had a great time at that last Marty Party!" Frasier: Uh, Dad? Martin: Yeah? Frasier: Oh, I'm sorry, nothing. Martin: Or somebody might say, "Can I host the next Marty Party?" Frasier: [to Niles] It doesn't always work. Niles: Yeah. Thanks Dad, but I don't think we're really quite hard-up enough yet to stage a singles party. Martin: OK, suit yourself. Well, we'll just get ready for the evening. I'll dish out the spaghetti and you guys set up the card table. [tone becomes starker] I got us a new jigsaw puzzle. Ten thousand pieces. It's called "The Wheat Field." Frasier and Niles share a look. Frasier: I'll send the invitations. Niles: I'll call the caterer. [SCENE_BREAK] DOES HE OR DOESN'T HE? Scene 2 - Niles Apartment at the Montana Fade in. The apartment is full of people, all mingling and having a good time. The doorbell rings, Niles answers it and greets two ladies. Niles: Hello, welcome, please come in. Frasier: Niles, this is wonderful. I had no idea we'd get such a turnout. Niles: I know! Everywhere I look, there's another woman I want to get to know better. Roz comes in wearing a black dress and very pregnant. Niles: With some obvious exceptions. [He walks off.] Frasier: Roz, I didn't know you were coming. Roz: Hey, I know it's a long shot, but I figured I better get out and do a little flirting, before I forget how. Waiter: Can I offer you something? Roz simply grins like a goof and splutters until the waiter goes away and then buries her face in her hand. Frasier: My God, Roz, you are rusty. Roz: By the way, I know you've been striking out a lot lately, but I invited someone tonight guaranteed to improve your batting average. Frasier: Not necessary, Roz. I've already met someone quite captivating... A young woman in a revealing dress comes up to them. Tina: Hi, Roz! Roz: Tina, you made it. Tina: Oh, you know me. Have I ever said 'No' to a good time? Roz: That's what I was trying to tell Frasier. Tina Cramer, meet Dr. Frasier Crane. [They shake.] Frasier: Hello. Tina: Doctor, huh? [Roz walks away.] Frasier: Yes, that's right. Roz? Roz? Tina: Ooh, strong hands. I guess it's true what they say: strong hands, strong mind. Frasier: Yes, well, that's why you'll never see an unopened pickle jar at a Mensa meeting. Tina: Huh? We follow Roz as she walks across the room. Roz: Excuse me. Oh, excuse me. The last man she bumped into turns around. It is Martin with a horrible dye job. Roz: Martin? Martin: You're lookin' at my hair, right? Roz: Well, yeah. Looks great. Martin: Thanks. I did it myself. Roz: Get out. Martin: Yeah, yeah, really. Well, Daphne suggested it, and at first I said, "No way," but then I thought well, you know, a lot of other guys do it, and what better place to try it than here, where nobody knows who I am? Boy, you look great, too. Roz: Oh, thanks. Yeah, I was really happy with this dress. You can't even tell I'm pregnant in it. Martin: I know. I mean, it's just... Well, you have a great time at the party, the dress looks great, nobody'd know. Roz: Same with your hair, looks completely natural. Martin: Thanks. They separate, each with a look of "Who do they think they're fooling?" on their face. Martin walks over to Niles. Martin: Hey, Niles. Niles: Hey, Dad. Martin: Hey watch that "Dad" business. I've got a few young ladies around here thinking I just might be your brother. Niles: [deadpan] Yeah, it's like looking in a mirror. Martin: What's the matter, aren't you having any fun? Niles: Oh, sort of. It's just been so long since I've been single, I'm finding it hard to strike up conversations. Martin: Oh, come on, now, it's nothing. You just need a little confidence. Here, watch this. He steps over to a young woman. Martin: Hi there. Vickie: Hi. Martin: I'm Marty Crane, and this is my son Niles. Yep, my son. Vickie: Hi, Vickie Cantrell. You're the host. Niles: Yeah. Vickie: I was just admiring your beautiful Turkish rug. Niles: Thank you! Vickie: Is that eighteenth century? Niles: Yes, it is. You have quite an eye. Vickie: Well, I work for an auction house. I would love to see some of your other pieces. Niles: Well, It would be my pleasure. You know there's an absurd old legend about that rug that whatever you pray for... [As they walk along, Vickie puts her arm in his.] Well, perhaps it's not that absurd after all. At another corner of the room, Frasier comes over to Roz. Frasier: Roz! Roz, that woman is all over me. Roz: Well, of course she is! Didn't you get what I was trying to tell ya? Frasier: Yes of course I got it! I also got it when she showed me how she can tie a knot in a cherry stem with her tongue. Roz: That's a party trick. Frasier: Except the cherry was in my mouth at the time! Roz, I already tried to tell you that I've met a woman tonight. Roz: All right. I'll go talk to her. Frasier: Thank you. [Roz walks off, Niles comes up.] Niles: Oh, Frasier. Frasier: Niles. Niles: I'm so glad we had this party! I just met the most fabulous woman. Frasier: Oh that's fabulous. Niles: [to bartender] Two white wines. Frasier: I also met someone who's terrific. Niles: Oh, wait, wait. I can't wait. I have to show you mine first. She's over by the buffet. Frasier: Right, so's mine. They both wave to the corner, Vickie waves back. Niles: Frasier, let me ask you something: At what point would you like to acknowledge that we're both waving to the same woman? [He spins around.] I saw her first! Frasier: That's not fair! You're the host, you see everyone first! Niles: There are plenty of other women here! Frasier: Exactly, so go pick one! Niles: Oh, let's just stop this. The only civilized thing to do is for us to both stay away from her. We are psychiatrists, not a couple of rutting pigs in a barnyard. What do you say to that? They look back at Vickie who has just taken off her wrap, revealing bare shoulders and a clinging dress. Frasier: Soo-eee. Niles: Very well, may the better man win. Roz: Frasier, your father wants you. Niles: Ah, advantage Niles! [He grabs the wine and heads off.] Frasier walks over to Martin, who is sitting with a woman in the chairs by the fire. Frasier: What? Martin: I want you to meet a big fan of yours. Kathy Lockher, this is my son, Dr. Frasier Crane. Kathy: I was just telling your father how much I love your show. You're such a good listener. Frasier: Uh-huh. Kathy: Just yesterday, you gave the best advice to that woman who called in with a problem about her teenage son. What was it you said, exactly? Frasier: [watching Niles and Vickie] Oh, what do I ever say? You're in denial, seek help, whatever, blah, blah, blah. [He walks away.] Kathy: He's a little different from what I expected. Martin: Yeah, he's not what I expected either, but you get used to it. Kathy: So, you were telling me about being a detective. Martin: Oh, yeah, yeah, I... say, do you ah, feel like getting a drink? Kathy: Yeah, that'd be nice, Marty. Martin: OK, let's go. He starts to get up but notices that his hair has left a large stain on the back of the chair. He hurriedly sits back down. Martin: You know, this is such a prime spot here, I think one of us should stay here and one of us should get the drinks. Kathy: You're right. Martin: So, I'll have a beer. Kathy: [unsure] OK. [She gets up.] Oh, shoot, I think I lost an earring. Martin: Oh, oh, there it is, by my foot. [Kathy looks expectantly at him. He flicks the earring to her with his foot.] There you go. Kathy: Thanks. Enjoy the party. CUT TO: Niles and Vickie coming from the buffet. Kathy: These eggrolls are delicious. Niles: I, uh, made them myself. Kathy: Really, a psychiatrist and a chef? Impressive. Niles: Yes, well they both came in handy when I cured the ham. They laugh, Frasier comes up. Frasier: Hello Niles. Niles: What do you want? Frasier: Actually, there's something of an emergency in the kitchen. Niles: Oh, that's very cadgy, Frasier. Why don't you just run out and yell "Fire?" Frasier motions towards the kitchen. The door is open, smoke is coming out, and a caterer is waving Niles over while mouthing the word "Fire." Niles: Dear God. Excuse me, Vickie, for just for a moment. Vickie: Of course. Niles runs to the kitchen, holding his hands down and moving stiffly. Vickie: Is it a serious problem? Frasier: Oh, no. He's always run like that. Oh, oh you mean the kitchen. No, no, Niles can handle it. Vickie: You two seem very close. Frasier: Oh, yes. I'm his best friend. Well, his only friend really. Vickie: Well that surprises me. He seems very outgoing. Frasier: Doesn't he, though? Yes, the medication seems to be working wonders. Just hope he sticks with it this time. Well, shall we hit the buffet? CUT TO: Roz sitting at one end of the fainting couch and talking to a young man. Roz: What a great story. Man: Thanks, this is fun. Roz: Yeah. Man: I usually hate these kinds of parties. Roz: Oh, me too. People are always so superficial. Man: Yeah, seems like everybody nowadays is all about appearances. Well, shall we get a drink? Roz: Yeah, sure. Roz stands up and the man steps down from the landing. He is a head shorter than her and stares at her stomach. They freeze. Roz: I'm not really very thirsty. Man: Me either. Roz: OK. Man: See ya. They walk off. Cut to Frasier talking with Vickie by the door. Frasier: Then I top it all off with brandied cherries and a dollop of creme fraiche. Niles: Excuse me, Frasier. Frasier: Not now Niles. I'm telling Vickie my recipe for crepes cateau. Niles: Oh, I'm sure she's had enough of your crepes by now. I'm terribly sorry to interrupt, but I believe Dad needs you, Frasier. Frasier: No, he doesn't. Vickie: Oh, I think he might. [Martin is frantically waving at Frasier.] Frasier: All right, then. If you will excuse me. Vickie: Do you live with your father, Niles? Niles: [laughing] Oh, no. A grown man, live with his father? Frasier lives with Dad. Champagne? Vickie: Oh, yes. CUT TO: Frasier talking to Martin again. Martin has something dripping down his forehead. Frasier: What is it? Martin: You gotta get me home! Frasier: Why? Martin: Well, something's happening with my hair dye. It's melting or somethin'. Look at this stain! [indicating chair, not his head] It must look terrible. Frasier: No, no it doesn't actually. It looks terrific. Martin: You sure? Frasier: Well, maybe the fire is making you perspire just a little bit. Here. He wipes at Martin's forehead, smearing it. Frasier: Well, actually you look quite young and attractive. You know by the warmth of the fire glow, I'd say that you actually look like you're back in your Marty Party days. Martin: You're not BSing me? Frasier: No, no. Martin: OK, then, I'll stay. Frasier: Great! He walks over to Vickie. Frasier: Vickie. Hello, where's Niles? Vickie: Oh, he had to take a call. Frasier: Oh, well, that's terrific. Ah, would you be interested in maybe finding some place where we could talk, just the two of us, no interruptions? Roz comes over, grabs his arm and pulls him away. Roz: Frasier. Frasier: Not now, Roz. Roz: Come here. Frasier: Can't you see I'm busy? Roz: My water just broke! Frasier: Well... maybe you sat in something. Roz stares at him. Then Niles ices it. Niles: [hollering from a corner] Oh my God, what's all over my Turkish prayer rug?! Roz: You gotta get me to a hospital. Frasier: Yes, yes, I'm sorry, of course. Vickie, Vickie? If you'll excuse us, my friend Roz just went into labor. Vickie: Oh, how exciting! Good luck. Roz: Thanks. Frasier: Oh, wait, wait just one second. Vickie, I know this may not be the most appropriate moment, but I was wondering if perhaps you'd like to have dinner with me sometime. Vickie: Oh, well, that's very sweet of you, Frasier, but I'm not really interested. Frasier: Oh, well, thank you for your honesty. [to Roz] My God! What is wrong with me? Why can't I find a single woman who's interested in me? Roz: Those are two different questions, really, so we should just sit down and talk them both over. Oh, wait, I can't - BECAUSE I'M IN LABOR!! They rush out the door. FADE OUT. End of Act 1 [SCENE_BREAK] Act 2 Scene 1 - The Hospital Fade in. Frasier and Martin are at the vending machines in the waiting area. Frasier: How's the coffee, Dad? Martin: Better. This time it's hot and it's got extra cream. Of course, it's still chicken soup. He throws the cup away. They go over to the chairs and Martin sits. Frasier: Well, who needs coffee when we can keep alert by perusing these very up-to-date magazines? [picks one up] Oh, look, Dad. That cute Tricia Nixon's getting married. A nurse walks by. Frasier: Oh, excuse me? May we get an update on Roz Doyle? Nurse: Sure. [checks her clipboard] Uh, she is still in early labor. Hang in there. Frasier: Thank you. Martin: She's pretty. I should make a play for her considering how young and attractive I am tonight! Frasier: I said I was sorry! Not half as sorry as I was when I went over that speed bump and you left a head print on the ceiling of my BMW. He sits down, Niles comes around the corner. Niles: Ah, hello. Martin: Hi. Frasier: Hello, Niles. Didn't expect to see you here. Niles: Oh, well, the doorman found Roz's purse in the lobby. I thought she might need it. Frasier: I suppose you also came to gloat. You got Vickie, I didn't. Niles: [sitting down between them] Neither of us got Vickie. She went home with the bartender. Frasier: Really? Well, you know what I say? Her loss. Niles: Absolutely right. Her loss! [pause] Has saying that ever made you feel any better? Frasier: Not a whit. Martin: It's been a hell of a night for all of us. Niles: Well, it certainly was for me. I lost Vickie, my rug is ruined, someone left weird brown stains on my wing chair... Martin sinks lower in his chair. Daphne comes around the corner. Daphne: Hello. Niles and Frasier rise, they all greet her. Daphne: Yes, I came down as soon as I heard. [She notices Martin.] What the hell happened to your hair? Martin: Well, what do you think? I colored it, just like you told me to. Daphne: Yeah, but this isn't cinnamon sable. Martin: Well, I couldn't use that, it had a woman's picture on the box. So I used some stuff called "Color In A Can" instead. It said "As seen on TV - Just spray on and go." How did I know it was a lousy product? Frasier: If only there had been some clue! Martin: Don't you start on me, mister, you left me melting by that fire. Niles: Wait a minute! You're the one who left stains on my wing chair! Frasier: I was wondering when you'd crack that, Miss Marple! The men begin yelling back and forth. Daphne: Stop it! What is wrong with the three of you?! Our friend is having a baby in there! Niles: I'm sorry, Daphne, we've all had dreadful evenings, but you're absolutely right. We should be thinking of Roz. [They all sit.] Daphne: Exactly. Besides, nobody could've had as horrendous an evening as I did. I got stood up. At a bat mitzvah! I waited there an hour. Oh, he left some lame excuse on the machine, but if he thinks he's got another chance with me, he's meshugge. Martin and Niles turn to Frasier with confused looks. Frasier: Oh, boo-hoo, anyway. At least you had a date tonight! Niles: Oh, at least your apartment wasn't decimated! Martin: I went to a party tonight with shoe polish on my hair! Four-way bickering ensues. Then Roz is pushed in a bed around the corner, breathing heavily. Nurse: That's it, breathe. You're doing great. The four friends stop and begin calling words of encouragement to Roz. "You're doing great!" "Hang in there!" "We love you." As soon as the bed is pushed into a room, they begin fighting again. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene 2 - Roz's Room Fade in. The nurse comes in and holds the door for the others. Nurse: She's very tired, so I'll have to ask you to make it quick. Frasier: OK. The four of them enter. Roz is sitting up in bed, exhausted and drenched in sweat - but radiant. Sleeping in her arms is a beautiful baby girl. Everyone whispering: Frasier: Roz. Congratulations. Martin: Oh, look at her! Niles: Oh, she's beautiful. Daphne: Mazel tov! Roz looks questioningly at Frasier. Frasier: It's a long story. Daphne: So, what's her name? Roz: Alice. Alice May Doyle. My daughter. My God, it's the first time I've ever said that. Martin: Well, you look great. How do you feel? Roz: Oh, fine. Just a little tired. Martin: Sure. Daphne: Maybe we should go. Frasier: Right. Daphne: I'll drop by and see you tomorrow, OK? Roz: OK. Martin: [reaching out] You know, I sure would love to hold her for just a second? Frasier: [intercepting and taking Alice] You know, maybe we should just wait until you're not dripping toxins. Martin: Oh. OK, we'll see you, then. Niles: Congratulations. Frasier: I'll be along in a second. Martin, Niles and Daphne leave. Frasier: Oh, Roz. Congratulations again. I'm so proud of you. Your little girl is just perfect. Roz: [strokes Alice's head] She is, isn't she? Frasier: Mm-hmm. My God, look at your face. Roz: Oh, yeah, I must look real lovely. Frasier: Yes, that's exactly how you look: lovely. I don't think I've ever seen your face more purely happy than right now. He lays Alice into a bassinet by the bedside. Frasier: Oh, little Alice, how I wish you could wake up right now and see how beautiful your mother looks. [Roz is now dead asleep, head thrown back and snoring.] Then again, you need your rest. He puts the baby in her little bed. The nurse comes in behind him. Frasier: [sotto voce] You did great, honey. [He kisses her on the forehead] Sleep well. [He turns and notices the nurse.] Oh, hello. Nurse: Hi. Frasier: This may seem like an odd time to ask you this, but I was convinced that we sort of made some eye contact in the waiting room and I was wondering if I could get your number. Nurse: [thinking Roz is his wife] What about your...? Frasier: Oh, no, forget about her, she's asleep. Nurse: What kind of monster are you?! [She leaves in a huff.] Frasier: Her loss. [SCENE_BREAK] End of Act 2 [SCENE_BREAK] Niles is escorting a cleaning woman around his apartment. He points to the stain on the wing chair and she nods. Then he turns around a lampshade and exposes another stain, leads her to the door where there is a third, then lifts a pillow to show her a stain on the arm of the fainting couch. He then turns the throw pillow over to temporarily cover the stain, only to find one on the pillow. He just walks away, depressed.

Frasier and Niles realize that they are both in a rut with their love lives and on the advice of Martin decide to throw a singles party. At the party, both compete over the same woman. Meanwhile Martin is having problems of his own; after dyeing his hair on the advice of Daphne he realizes that it has run and stained one of Niles' expensive chairs; Roz also finds a lack of interest from men due to her pregnancy. Halfway through the evening, Roz's waters break and she is rushed to the hospital, where she gives birth to her daughter, Alice May Doyle. Frasier, Martin, Niles and Daphne all turn up to see her. The group leaves a sleeping Roz with her baby.

fd_The_Office_08x10

fd_The_Office_08x10_0

Andy: [Singing as if he were the dolls in his office] Christmas tiiiime is heeeere! [Normal voice] Wow. Thanks guys, that sounded amazing. Hi, I'm Andy Bernard and I am the first office Santa ever to make holiday wishes come true. [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: Who's excited to get their holiday wishes? Stanley: Holiday wishes. Andy: What's that, Stanley? Stanley: We know exactly what holiday you're referring to. Andy: It is important to be mindful of all belief systems at our holiday party. Stanley: I've been here eighteen years and have suffered through some weird thematic Christmases. A Honolulu Christmas, A Pulp Fiction Christmas, A Muslim Christmas, Moroccan Christmas. Mo-rocca Christmas. I don't want it. Christmas is Christmas is Christmas is Christmas. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: I got Stanley tickets to see Lewis Black for his birthday. ...Might not have been the best idea. [SCENE_BREAK] Stanley: I don't want no Kwanza wreath, I don't need a dreidel in my face, that's it's own thing. And who's that black Santa for?! I don't care! I know Santa ain't black! I could care less. I want Christmas! Just give me plain baby Jesus, lying in a manger, Christmas! [SCENE_BREAK] Meredith: What is the status on my wish? Andy: Fulfilled! Brought my bicycle, so I can be your designated driver later. In the event that you drink to much, which is by no means required. Dwight: What about my wish that we don't have to attend meetings that degrade our sense of adulthood? Andy: That, I cannot do, but I did get you an acre of property on the moon. Dwight: Where? Dark side or light side? Andy: Light side. Dwight: Is it by the Sea of Tranquility? Andy: As a matter of fact, yes. Directly adjacent....beachfront. Dwight: Thank you, Andy. Andy: So, who's wish is next? Oh, what about Santa's wish? My biggest wish is that you all get along well with Jessica....C'mon guys, Jessica?...Jim, tell 'em who Jessica is. Jim: She's not your grandmother, is she? Andy: Ugh! Gam-gam's name is Ruth, Jim, you should know. I introduced you on speakerphone that time? Jim: Yeah. Andy: Jessica is my super serious girlfriend, who is seriously awesome and seriously sexy. Only thing that's not serious, by the way? Our repartee. Creed: That's great. When you know you know. Hey, what's Ruth's deal, man? Andy: Totally out of your league. So in summation, ho ho ho, please be nice to Jessica and mistletoe is not an excuse for sexual assault, and don't go near Gam-gam. [SCENE_BREAK] Erin: I love Jessica, and I haven't even met her yet. It's like we don't even need to meet, you know? I already love you. Stay home. [SCENE_BREAK] Kelly: I just want you to know that I will be mean to Jessica if you want me to be. Erin: Oh no, no. It's fine, Kelly. Kelly: It's really no problem. I was already planning on being mean to her. Erin: That's OK, I don't want you to do that. Robert: [laughing] Hello, ah. Merry Christmas, Erin. Kelly, Happy Pancha Ganapati. Kelly: Eww, what is that? Robert: The five day Hindu celebration in December honoring the god Ganesh, Patron of the Arts. Kelly: Cool. Kevin: Hey, man. Robert: Hey! [Kevin embraces Robert in a tight hug] Oh! Kevin: How ya holdin' up...because of your wife leaving you? Oscar: Kevin? Robert: I actually appreciate the human intimacy. Feel like a kitten being cradled by a gorilla. Kevin: Yeah. Robert: It's been ten days since I had sexual intercourse. Andy: Well you came to the right place....Ah, this, this party'll cheer you right up. Robert: I hope so. The corporate party was wretched. I am so tired of the Black Eyed Peas. It's rock-n-roll for people who don't like rock-n-roll. It's rap for people who don't like rap. It's pop for people who don't like pop.....ah, heartbreaking. [gestures to Andy in Santa costume] Andy: Oh, thank you. [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: Well, I hate to have to take my Santa hat off, and put on my hard ass hat. [puts on baseball cap that has a foam rear-end on it with the words "HARD ASS"] But, this is serious. It's come to my attention that somebody who shall remain nameless, wants to switch desk clumps. Dwight: Fine with me. Jim can leave anytime he wants. Goodbye. Jim: It wasn't me. Andy: It wasn't either of you. Jim: Kathy wants to leave our clump? Andy: Sh sh sh sh! Don't look. Who it was is not important...but she did say that your constant pranking and one-upsmanship is driving her crazy. She or he. Dwight: I just wanna say, this is not my fault. OK? The weak always bully the strong. Contrary to what you see in the media. I am always acting in self-defense. Occasionally preemptive self-defense. [punches Jim in the arm] Jim: Ow, What are you doing? [Jim fights back] Andy: Hey! Hey! Respect the hat! Jim: Pam never seemed to have a problem with us. Andy: Alright. I'm gonna speak in a language you both understand....Mo-nay. Jim: What was that? Dwight: What is it? Andy: Money....You both have sizable Christmas bonuses coming your way. If I catch either of you messing with the other, I will give both bonuses to the other person. Jim: Can't do that. Dwight: No, absolutely not. Andy: You need consequences. OK? I want you both walking on eggshells. [SCENE_BREAK] Jessica: Hi. I'm Jessica. I'm looking for Andy? Erin: Jessica. Yes. We don't say hi, we hug. [gets up and hugs Jessica] I'm Erin. Jessica: Oh! [laughs] Oof! Erin: Sorry, hi, I hope you feel really welcome, we all want you here. Jessica: Oh. [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: My ex is meeting my s*x....which is always scary, you know? And not just because you think they might talk about your pen1s...that's just part of it. [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: Hey! Jess, Erin, I hope you're not talking about my pen1s. [laughs and kisses Jessica on the cheek] Hi. Jessica: Hi. Andy: Hey everyone! I want you to meet Jessica, she is an assistant cross country coach at Bryn Mawr. Erin: Wow. Andy: Erin, by the way, amazing receptionist. Jessica: Oh, that's great. Backbone of the office. Erin: Which is funny, actually, because my spine is a mess. Andy: What? Jessica: Oh. Erin: Scoliosis. Had to wear a back brace for three years but I never did. [Jessica laughs, Erin exaggerates back curve] Andy: Oh no. Jessica: Ah..[laughs] Andy: Ut oh, it's kicking in. Spontaneous scoliosis. Jessica: Spontaneous scoliosis. [both laugh] Erin: Oh. [SCENE_BREAK] Darryl: This thing could take your arm off, your head off, you know, just exercise caution. Val: Thank you. Darryl: Alright. Val: Alright. Darryl: Oh yeah, and um there's a Christmas party upstairs tonight, wanted to tell you about. Val: Isn't that just for popsicles? Darryl: Popsicles? Val: Yeah, upstairs people? Cause you got a stick up your butt? Nate: Ah! See, I, I, I thought it was because they're so rich they could all eat popsicles all the time. [laughs] I, in my, I... Darryl: Well you should definitely come. The foreman always comes. Plus it's fun, you know cookies, smoked fish, alcohol, people acting stupid. Nate: You had me at "clookies." I can't wait to find out what they are. Val: What should I wear? Darryl: Oh, it's nice, it's real nice. People get dressed up. Nate: I will look so handsome for you, Darryl. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: Ah...[sees Dwight's wallet and open email] I'm gonna s- [see's Dwight watching from break room] [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: Dwight really wants my bonus. He's trying to entrap me. Oh god, now I can't drink at this thing....I get really pranky when I drink. [SCENE_BREAK] Robert: Erin, what can I get for you? Erin: Uh, do you have cola? Kirkland if you have it. Robert: Now why would you come to a bar and ask for a cola when you can get some from the kitchen? Did some small part of you want something a little stronger? Ryan, Kevin, Phyllis, Oscar, come and take these shots! Ryan: Yes! Oscar: Yes! Ryan: Will do. Robert: The fifth one is for you, Erin. You could take it or leave it. To take it would be to accept that you're at a party and you're an adult woman, with an adventurous spirit. To leave it would be fine too. Phyllis: One, two three! [group takes shots] Kevin: Yes. Erin: OK. [takes shot, group laughs] Robert: Mmm. Wow. Erin: Whoo! Jiminy Christmas! Robert: Jiminey Christmas indeed. Erin: Hit 'er up. Robert: Oh. Kevin: Oh yes. Ryan: Whoo! Erin: Yeah! [laughs] Oscar: Wow. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: [on phone] Uh, yeah. I just got my replacement credit card...you want the number? Oh it's uh four seven nine three, zero zero three two, three three one three. The security code is nine two seven. OK great. Thank you very much. Bye. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: So Dwight did take the bait. He used my credit card numbers to send a two hundred dollar bouquet of flowers, to my wife...from me. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: [laughing] Boom! [SCENE_BREAK] Ryan: But look, it's Christmas, so you're allowed...[Val walks in dressed very formally] whoa, hello. Um, you're allowed to do... Kevin: Good cookie. [SCENE_BREAK] Darryl: I meant dressed up compared to normal. You usually dress like a ghost-buster. Val: OK. Darryl: I thought you'd wear a sweater. Val: Since when does a sweater mean "dressed up"? Am I your grandson? Darryl: Come on, stay, alright? It's good for people to get to know you. Val: As a contestant on Dancing with the Stars, maybe. [SCENE_BREAK] Erin: [imitating Stanley] I want.. my sugar free cookie, and then I want a sugar cookie. [group laughs] and then I want my nap! Stanley: That's right. [laughs] Erin: Whoo! [group laughs] Thank you. Robert: She, she is remarkable. Andy: Edgy impressions. Erin: Thank you. Andy: How many drinks have you had tonight? I can't be driving everybody home. Erin: A thousand. Andy: Whoa! Maybe you should take a break. Erin: [serious] Maybe you should mind your own business. [normal voice] Just kidding! [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: Ah! I've been attacked! Oh my god! Oh! Someone put a porcupine in my drawer! Toby: Oh my god. Dwight: Yeah, I was just sitting here at my desk and I, I reached into my drawer to grab my toothbrush and some tooth powder and, and all of a sudden I was attacked by this blood thirsty rabid creature! Jim: I wonder, in this office, who has access to a porcupine? Dwight: Or who in this office knows that I have access and is trying to set me up? Jim: Hmm... Toby: You know this sounds a lot like the premise of my latest Chad Flendermen novel. A murder for framing. [SCENE_BREAK] Toby: Chad Flendermen. Just an easy going black guy, he knows the streets, yet he also went to Oxford. So. Just as comfortable on a motorcycle as he is on Air Force One. Oh and he's also the world's leading Egyptologist. [SCENE_BREAK] Angela: Toby! Nobody cares about your sex-crazed black detective. Toby: No, no, no, no, no. Women chase him. He misses his wife. Dwight: Hello? Lacerated hand here folks. Jim: Nice try, this is ridiculous. Dwight: Oh is it really? Two separate times you have set me up to believe I was being recruited by the CIA. Jim: Three times. Dwight: You see? Andy: Jim, this has your fingerprints all over it. Jim: Andy, you've gotta be kidding me. Toby: Fingerprints can be planted. You know with a severed hand... Kelly: Do you think that's what happened? Do you think he used a severed hand? Jim: OK, you know what? Why don't we just call animal control... Dwight: Might wanna run that by Angela cause it's so cute. Angela: No. Porcupines don't have souls. They're like dogs. Jim: [on phone] Yes, I'm calling from Dunder Mifflin. We have a very rabid porcupine in our office, someone should come pick it up. Dwight: Come down right away! Jim: [on phone]Uh, I don't know, let me ask. [to Dwight] Uh, were you quilled? Dwight: Yes, I was quilled. Jim: And what's it's name? Dwight: Henrietta. Jim: Oops. [hangs up] Andy: What? ...Alright, get her out of here, Dwight. [SCENE_BREAK] [Dynamite by Taio Cruz plays in the background] Erin: Hey, guys. I just wanted to say. Come here! I'm so happy you guys are together. OK? [Andy and Jessica laugh] And you both have such beautiful hair. Jessica: [laughs] Thank you. Erin: I hope you guys get married....and who knows? Maybe at the wedding, I meet someone. Andy: OK! Erin: And later on tonight, I hope I see you guys kiss. [blows kisses and pushes Andy and Jessica's faces together.] Ah! [laughs] OK, well I'm gonna go do another reverse spit. That's how the cool kids say "get a drink". [blows kisses and dances away] Jessica: That's uh, that's the girl you dated. Andy: Um, yeah, she's not always like that. It's um... Jessica: No, she, she seems fine. Andy: Yeah, uh, excuse me. Jessica: OK. Andy: Yep. [leaves Jessica to talk to Erin] Hey! Erin: Hey. Andy: Have you had anything to eat besides candy canes? Erin: Every martini has an olive. Andy: OK...maybe I should make you some oatmeal or something. Kevin: I don't wanna put you out, but if someone's making oatmeal, I'll take a apple cinnamon and a maple brown sugar in one bowl with whole milk. Erin: Hey, I never told you my Christmas wish. Andy: Ah, OK. Erin: It's about you. Andy: That's not what it should be, it should just be like a trinket or something. Erin: [slurring slightly] It's that I wish Jessica was dead. Andy: You you, wait. You mean you wish she wasn't here or something. Erin: I wish she was in a graveyard! Under the ground...with worms coming out of her mouth. Andy: Hey, you know, you can't say that, OK? That's my girlfriend that you're talking about. You and I are not together anymore. You need to get over it! Take your wish back. Erin: Too late! It's already been wished! And you promised it would come true. You wrote it in an email! So, which one are you? A murderer or a liar? [Andy leaves] Kevin: Hey. Erin: Hey. Kevin: So, there was talk of oatmeal. [SCENE_BREAK] Phyllis: You know, don't listen to what anyone is saying. You look like a, a princess. Val: Yeah. Thanks. [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: I swear... Jessica: Did you not... Andy: I was too embarrassed! [group laughs] Jim: Hey guys, sorry to interrupt, I uh, just found this on my desk. [shows picture of Cici with devil doodles] Need to talk to somebody about it. Can you believe that? Phyllis: Is that Cici? Jim: Yes. It is. Andy: Um. Phyllis: That's awful. Andy: Cici is Jim's daughter. Jessica: Oh my god. How could somebody do that? Jim: I know, I mean the way I see it is you can deface any picture of me, any one, pick one. Not my kid though. Oscar: Who did this? Who did this? Do you know who did this? Jim: I don't- Andy: I know who did this....Dwight. Phyllis: Dwight? Jim: Yeah. Andy: Dwight. Oscar: No! Phyllis: He should pay. Andy: Yeah. He is gonna pay. This is fire-able. Jim: O...K. Andy: It's, I mean. Jim: Let me just see that one more time. Yep, you know what? I know who my friends are, now. But I shouldn't have got you involved because the truth is, I don't even really care about this picture, it's a little out of focus. It was probably an accident, right? Like... Oscar: That's no accident. Jim: Right. You're right. So maybe it was me who did it...by accident. Phyllis: What? Oscar: What? Jim: I'll figure it out, get to the bottom of it....Merry merry. [SCENE_BREAK] [Christmas Time is Here by Vince Guaraldi Trio is playing in the background] Dwight: Enough of this garbage. [harshly places boom box on table and hits play] This is Christmas. [Christmas Eve by Trans-Siberian Orchestra plays. Dwight plays air violin/guitar and sings along] Hi-yah!!!!! [gabe, Creed and Nate join in as shots show various gift giving] Yeah!!!! Christmas!!!! [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: You alright, Santa? Andy: You know those movies where two friends are sleeping together and it's like, hey, can they stay friends? Jim: Yes. Andy: Do you think two friends who are not sleeping together can stay friends? Jim: Two friends who are not sleeping together, can they remain friends? Yes, yeah. Andy: No...I don't, hmm, I don't know. Jim: OK. Andy: By the way, I'm not gonna mess with you and Dwight's bonuses. I think it's causing more problems. So just be yourselves, have fun, and try not to let it affect your work. Jim: Alright. I will definitely do that. Andy: Alright, I'll tell Dwight. Jim: You know what? You're sitting, and thinking, and it's probably better if it comes from me anyway. Andy: Christmas miracles do happen. Jim: Yes. They totally do. [SCENE_BREAK] Ryan: You can't click on these Kardashian links, that's why you have so many viruses. Kelly: Well help me, OK? Just, uh take... Ryan: I'm trying but you need to- Erin: Hey. Kelly: Yo. Erin: Game on. Kelly: On it. [SCENE_BREAK] Jessica: [group laughing] I don't know what I was thinking, it was awful... Kelly: Jessica, did you just fart? [group stops laughing] [SCENE_BREAK] Kelly: And that, is how it's done. [SCENE_BREAK] Erin: I would like another alcohol. Robert: Let's you and I take a walk. Oscar, you're in charge of the bar. Oscar: What? I haven't bar tended in forever. Oh, never considered myself a mixologist, oh this is daunting. Um, I need a mortar, pestle, muddler..does anyone have any chocolate shavings? [SCENE_BREAK] Robert: Your heart is broken. So is mine. Erin: And... Robert: And what? Erin: And you have any advice or anything? Robert: No [laughs] my god. Erin: ...Help me feel better... Robert: I've been married thrice and each has ended in an acrimonious divorce, I'm not sure I'm the best person to give love advice....I was hoping you were gonna make me feel better. [SCENE_BREAK] Nate: When you do your makeup, Jessica: Uh huh. Nate: How long you, does it take usually? Cause... Jessica: Um, it ta-, um it depends. [SCENE_BREAK] Toby: .....Chad Flendermen's kryptonite. [Darryl walks up to Toby and Val in a tuxedo] Creed: Whoa. We got a real Clarence Thomas here. Darryl: Hi. [SCENE_BREAK] Jessica: I'll see you at home? Andy: OK great. Jessica: OK Andy: Perfect. Jessica: Bye [kiss]...I still don't get why you can't just call her a cab and pay for it. Andy: I would, it just, that wasn't the holiday wish. Jessica: Oh Meredith: Either he drives or I drive. Now I'm drunk and mad. Jessica: OK [laughs] Bye. Andy: OK, bye. [helps Meredith off the floor] Alright Meredith, Meredith: Thank you Santa. Andy: You bet. [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: Thank god Erin's getting a ride home with Robert because she is trashed. [laughs] and who better to drive her home than Robert, I mean, what a stand up guy, you know? I mean he's going through a lot, separating from his wife, showing up to the Christmas party in a track suit and a blazer, [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: Let's go, let's go. Meredith: I know, I'm coming, I'm coming, I'm coming, I'm coming, I'm coming. Andy: Hang on. Meredith: Alright. [Andy opens back of her van, things fall out] Andy: What? Meredith: Whoa! My stuff! Andy: What is all that? Meredith: It's my valuables! Andy: It's junk! Meredith: This is my treasures, no they're my treasures! Andy: You're a hoarder. My god! Meredith: No I'm not, I'm gonna sell it on Ebay! No no no, you be careful. Be careful. Andy: Ah! My Santa suit's stuck. Dwight: [laughs while spray painting "Jim is Awesome" on his own car, talks to porcupine in carrier] What are we gonna do with all that bonus money, Henrietta? Huh? [SCENE_BREAK] Meredith: Where are we? This ain't my street. Andy: Sh, sh, sh, sh, shh. Meredith: Ah, this is the posh part of town, huh? Andy: Oh my god. Meredith: Wonder what a studio condo would cost in this neighborhood? Andy: Meredith, shut your drunk hole right now. Robert: Erin, it was great fun tonight. Take a few aspirin and a whole lot of water, sleep in in the morning. Erin: Thank you, goodnight. Meredith: What are you smiling for? You thinkin' what I'm thinkin'? Andy: I'm sure I am not. Let's get you home. Meredith: Ow! Take it easy. Andy: Whoo. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: [yawns, "Idiot" is written on his forehead] Ah, man. Ah, fell asleep, took a nap. Hey guys, ah I feel refreshed now. How's it goin? Oscar: Dwight. Dwight: Took a little nap right next to Jim's desk. I feel so good right now. Mmm, cookies. What's everyone staring at? [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: Oh man, I was supposed to tell Dwight something......C'mon, Jim. [shakes head] I got nothin'.

Andy attempts to make everyone's Christmas wishes come true. Erin, upset about her unrequited feelings for Andy, drinks too much at the Christmas party and is escorted home by California. Meanwhile, Dwight and Jim are ordered to stop pranking one another, lest they forfeit their Christmas bonuses. Thus, they try to frame each other.

fd_Dawson_s_Creek_02x18

fd_Dawson_s_Creek_02x18_0

CAST James Van Der Beek: Dawson Leery Katie Holmes: Joey Potter Joshua Jackson: Pacey Witter Michelle Williams: Jen Lindley Meredith Monroe: Andie McPhee Kerr Smith: Jack McPhee Nina Repeta: Bessie Potter Gareth Williams: Mike Potter Gail Leery: Mary-Margaret Humes Mitch Leery: John Wesely Shipp Abby Morgan: Monica Keena Nicole: Madchen Amick Written by Mike White Directed by Greg Prange (Dawson is showing his film to his mother. It ends. He turns to look at her reaction.) Gail: Dawson, that was ...very impressive. It was moving. It was funny. (pauses) It was real. Dawson: You're just saying that because you're my mother. Gail: No, I'm not! You are incredibly talented. Dawson: (gets up to go turn off the lights) You are incredibly biased. (pauses and turns around) You know what? I had such a distinct and clear vision for this movie. I-I mean, I saw every moment. I heard every word of dialogue. I guess I just...failed to translate that vision onto film ...bring it to life. And what about all the visions that I have for the future? What if I can't bring those to life either? Gail: Sweetheart, the trick is to stay tenacious. Not to let any minor, (looks at the screen) and in this case, very minor, setback derail your vision. Dawson: I supposed I could re-edit it. Gail: There you go. Your movie may not be Citizen Kane ...but it's no Bride of Chucky either. Dawson: The way my film teacher described it, you'd think it was the worst, most expensable, piece of junk ever captured on film. Gail: Ah, honey, that is just one person's opinion. (She walks towards the door and turns around) Speaking of teachers at your school, how's your father enjoying his new profession? Dawson: He likes it, I think. I mean, it's weird to see him in the teacher's lounge ...consorting with the enemy. (pauses) You really miss him, don't you? Gail: Yeah. (pauses) Lately more than ever. Dawson: Well, if you know what you want, maybe you should take some of your own advice. Gail: (smiles) Maybe... (She walks out of the room. Cue opening credits. (Cut to Joey watching her dad cook breakfast.) Mr.Potter: 'Morning Joey. Hope you're hungry. I think I might have overdone it here. Joey: Dad... Mr.Potter: I am so glad to be home. I never thought making breakfast for my two daughter's would make me so happy. Joey: I thought, for sure, that I would wake up this morning and discover that last night was just a dream... Mr.Potter: It's all over, Joey. I'm not going anywhere ever again. (Bessie walks in.) Bessie: Hey Dad. I was thinking with the catering and expanding our hours, our finances are going to be straightened out in no time. (sees Joey) Joey! Good morning! Mr.Potter: Your sister and I were up this morning scheming up ways to turn up a profit with the restaurant. Bessie: Remember my friend Pam? She's getting married this Saturday at the Atheneom and the caterer fell through and-- Mr.Potter: Icehouse to the rescue. Bessie: So do you think you could ask a few of your friends to work as servers? Joey: (shocked and trying to digest everything) Sure... Mr.Potter: Give me my grandson (reaching for Alexander.) C'mere. (Takes him out of the room) Bessie: Isn't this exciting? I mean, we're finally on our way to getting out of debt! Joey: Are you sure this is a good idea? I mean, we're not an upscale catering service. We grill cheeseburgers! Bessie: Don't worry ...with Dad's help we'll be fine. (Mr. Potter walks back into the room.) Mr.Potter: We're the Potters. We're quick studies and we always land on our feet, right? (Bessie takes Alex back and Mr.Potter looks at Joey's worried face.) Mr.Potter: Joey, I'm the father. It's my job to do the worrying. Your days of worrying are over. (pauses) I missed you so much. (They hug and Joey closes her eyes and says with her face held close to her father's shoulder...) Joey: I missed you, too. Mr.Potter: We're a family again. Everything's going to be better. You'll see. (Bessie smiles, agreeing.) Mr.Potter: You'll see. (Joey's face drops to a face clouded with worry. Cut to Jack and Joey walking out on the schoolyard.) Jack: (confused) Since when do we cater weddings? Joey: (speaking quickly) Since my father got paroled and took over the restaurant. (Jack stops. He stares at Joey questioning the situation and her reaction to the situation.) Joey: Yeah, I know. Yeah, I walked home last night ...and, ah, found him standing on the porch. (Jack's is shocked by this and he searches Joey's face for some kind of a reaction to this.) Jack: You must be thrilled (he smiles). Joey: (smiles, looks a little faked) Yeah! I mean...it's ...uh, just a little weird. (pauses) Like I've been broadsided by a bus. A happy bus. But, just reeling from the shock I guess... Jack: Sure! Of course. (studies her expression) Something's wrong. (She looks at him and she shows that there is. She walks towards a bench and sits down.) Joey: Jack...I don't know.. (He sits down beside her.) Joey: Last night I was laying in bed, I couldn't sleep. I was shaking. (pauses) I have a pit in my stomach the size of a granade and...I've seen my dad one time in three years. I mean, we can't just pick up where we left off. This whole catering plan is just compounding my anxiety. I mean, all the blue-bloods of Capeside are going to be at this wedding. I mean, this isn't the most low profile setting for my father to reemerge into society. Jack: Yeah. Maybe you need to tell your father that this catering plan is ill-conceived. Too much, too soon, you know? And I think that you need to deal with this reunion with your father on a personal level before you do it in public. Joey: You should have seen Bessie's face this morning ...she was so excited. I don't want to rain on their parade. Jack: Well, don't worry. (pauses and leans in close to her) I'll be there. (Joey smiles. Cut to Pacey and Dawson walking down the halls.) Dawson: So I think I'm going to go back and re-edit the ending because I'm thinking maybe I just put the pieces together wrong, you know? (Pacey shrugs. Dawson spots his father with his film teacher in the teacher's lounge.) Dawson: You know, it's bad enough that my parents are separated and my mother is heartbroken, should I really have to be subjected to this? Pacey: Well ...she does have certain assets, Dawson. Dawson: Pacey! Pacey: I'm sorry, bro! But-- (Jack walks up and interrupts.) Jack: Hey guys. Did Joey talk to you yet? Dawson: About what? Jack: Well, the Icehouse is catering a wedding on Saturday and we need some extra hands. (raises his eyebrows like meaning 'You interested?') It'd pay $60 for the day. Pacey: Sold! For $60 I'd carry your ass! Jack: Well, ...that won't be necessary. Dawson: The Icehouse is catering weddings now? Jack: Yeah, Mr. Potter's brainchild. Dawson: (confused) Mr. Potter? Jack: Mm-hm. You--(realizing) oh, Joey's dad got paroled yesterday. Dawson: (his eyes bug in shock) Really? Jack: Yeah...he's back home. Dawson: Wow... (The bell rings and Jack makes motions like he needs to be going and he leaves. Dawson stands there absorbing everything for a minute, sighs and then goes into class. Cut to the girl's bathroom. Abby is putting on a horrid feathery black jacket over her outfit. Jen walks in.) Jen: I figured I'd find you in here. Abby, could I, um, talk to you for a second? Abby: Funny. I've been under the misconception that we weren't speaking. After Dawson's movie wrapped, I figured you had no use for me. Jen: (sighs) You know, you're right. Nevermind. (walks towards the bathroom door and out) See you later. Abby: (follows) No! Jen, wait! Jen: Abby, I woke up this morning ...so frustrated. Like, all I wanted to do was climb the walls or, or light the place on fire. (Abby starts laughing.) Jen: No, it's not funny. I am so serious, I am so tense. And I am so ...just bored. And I feel like I'm going berserk. I feel like I'm going berserk here. Abby: Well, Jen, there was once this scientific experiment where they put this rat in this small box without any of it's ...rat toys or sawdust or stimulation. Well, eventually, the rat started gnawing off his own feet. (Jen laughs.) Abby: You are that rat. Capeside's the box. Need I say more? Jen: I mean, I've tried changing my image. And if no one here's going to accept me, what's the point in living this pristine and tedious existence, you know? And then, thinking back on all the fun times I've had this year ...I've had them with you. (Abby laughs.) Abby: I think that's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me. (Jen smiles.) Jen: So, then, what do rats do for fun on the weekend? Abby: Oh, I don't know, but, you know us rats. We can always sniff out something (smiles). (They laugh and turn to go into their class.) Abby: Late again. (Cut to Andie and Pacey walking out the door of school.) Pacey: 60 bucks for you, 60 bucks for me equals 120 dollars. Andie: Do you have an abacas in your pocket or did you just add that in your head? Pacey: What I was thinking is a trip to New York, dinner, catch a show, then a nice romantic carriage ride through the park, what do you say? Andie: On $120?! What decade do you think we're living in? Pacey: Alright, not the Big Apple but how about a nice romantic evening here in Capeside. Andie: I hate weddings. Bridesmaids in hideous dresses, people getting all gooey...it's too sentimental for me. Pacey: Too sentimental for you? A girl who just yesterday was brought to tears by a Nike commercial. Andie: Well, I draw the line at weddings. The whole institution of marriage is an antiquated construct. I think that if a couple wants to stay together, they should do so by choice. I mean, all those sweeping vows and public ceremony, it just sets people up to fail miserably! Pacey: I know you have issues where this is concerned, but you've never been to a wedding with me. You come with me on Saturday. If by the end of the night, you're not convinced that they are the most beautiful ritual that mankind has ever created, I'll let you keep the money. All of it. Yours and mine. Andie: Hm. I have been itching to buy a new pair of Nikes that I just recently saw advertised... Pacey: Andie McPhee, your days as a wedding cynic are numbered. Andie: Ah, we'll see about that one. (They hit their bottles of water together and then take a drink.) (Cut to Joey coughing talking to her dad.) Joey: I think...that you may have overdone that on the horseradish. It did clear my sinuses though. (Mr. Potter spots Dawson.) Mr.Potter: Dawson Leery, I thought for sure that when I came back you two would be (missed word), what happened? Joey: Long story. Mr.Potter: Hello, Dawson! (They shake hands.) Dawson: Mr. Potter. Mr.Potter: You're a sight for sore eyes. Dawson: Thank you, congratulations, welcome back! Mr.Potter: Thank you. (pauses) You're looking good. Dawson: Thank you. Mr.Potter: You kids are all grown up. It's amazing, but let's catch up later. I have a horseradish issue to deal with. Dawson: Ah.. Joey: We're catering a wedding. Dawson: I know. I told Jack I could help out. Mr.Potter: Good! Tell your parents I said hello. Dawson: You'll actually be able to tell them yourself. They'll be guests at the wedding on Saturday. (Mr.Potter smiles and goes back into the kitchen. Dawson looks at Joey and raises his eyebrows.) Dawson: Wow! So your dad's back? How long have you known? Joey: Total surprise. Dawson: (sympathetic) That's got to be a lot to deal with. (concerned) How are you doing? Joey: (she stares almost in a daze into his eyes and snaps out of it) I'm okay. Dawson: Okay? Joey: I mean, I was kind of on an emotional overload this morning, but, uh, I ran into Jack and with his typically intuitive insight, he was able to calm me down. Dawson: (seems a little envious of Jack, smiles fakely) Great! Joey: I was looking for you ...but then I had to cut school early to come here to help out. (Awkward pause.) Joey: Taste this. (she turns around and grabs a plate) Horseradish and (missed word) salmon. We're serving it at the wedding. (She puts the fork up towards his mouth when they overhear a conversation between two women at a nearby table.) Woman #1: ...what he did to their mother? He cheated on her while the poor woman was dying of cancer! I don't think he should ever be allowed back into Capeside. I mean, he's a drug dealer! Woman #2: Shhh! Keep your voice down! (Cut back to Dawson and Joey. Joey's obviously upset by this) Dawson: Well, that's Capeside for you. Joey: (talking fast, the way she always does when she's trying to escape something) You know, I gotta get back into the kitchen but thank you for helping out this weekend! (She walks back towards the kitchen.) Dawson: Joey! (pauses) Joey! (Commercials. Cut to Joey giving orders before the wedding.) Joey: Okay, Pacey and Andie, I need you to take care of the wedding cake and arrange the tables. (they nod) Jack and Dawson, if you guys could take care of the champagne and the appetizers. (they nod) (to all) And if there are any catastrophes, you can come to me. I'll either be in the kitchen or out on the floor. (Bessie walks in.) Joey: Bessie, the guests are already starting to arrive. We're going to survive this, right? Bessie: Of course we will! Just relax, and breathe. Joey: I don't have time to breathe... (Joey starts turning the corner and Dawson follows her holding two champagne bottles.) Dawson: Joey! About those women at the Icehouse... Joey: What about them, Dawson? They're just a bunch of Capeside's ignoramuses. What do they know? I mean, it's bound to happen when your father's an infamous philanderer and drug dealer. Dawson: Are you okay, though? I'm worried about you. (Joey quickly snaps towards him, obviously jumpy and stressed.) Joey: I'm fine! Dawson, I'm fine. Honestly, I don't care about those idiotic women, there are 100 people out there, waiting to eat, and at this point, getting them fed is the only thing on my mind! (She walks off quickly and Dawson looks after her and sighs. Cut to Dawson out on the floor serving glasses of champagne. He runs into his mother.) Gail: Hey, Dawson. Have you seen your father? Dawson: No, I haven't. Gail: Well, you were right that I should take some of my own advice. I've decided that this has gone on long enough. I'm going to get your father back. Dawson: (smiles) Well, you look beautiful. Gail: Thanks, honey. (She kisses him on the cheek and walks past as Dawson glances at the entrance and sees his father with his film teacher. He looks back at his mom, who is also noticing. Dawson accidentily knocks over the last champagne glass standing and he goes to clean up the mess. Cut to Andie and Pacey wheeling in the cake into a room.) Pacey: Isn't this romantic, sweetheart? I mean, can't you just feel the anticipatory excitement in the air? Two young lovers about to be united in the bounds of holy matrimony. I'm getting goosebumps, how about you? Andie: Yeah, don't push me. I've got a cake knife in my hand, Pacey. Pacey: (laughs) Okay, let's just finish this thing off and we can get out there and watch the ceremony. Andie: I'm not watching the ceremony. Pacey: Sure, you are. You can watch it from my lap. Andie: Yeah, right, in your dreams. Pacey: You know, I wish I had money like these people. When someone in my family gets married, you end up wearing polyester, they serve fishsticks for appetizers, and the whole thing winds up in a drunken brawl. That's why I like to make moments like this perfect. Beautiful location, best champagne, and every penny in place. Andie: It may look perfect, but stretch beneath the surface and you will find distrangement, despair, and dysfunction. I mean, at least your family's imperfection reflects reality. My family, we look perfect, but on the inside we're falling apart. Pacey: You're just a regular Polyanna today, aren't ya? Go easy on the sunshine, sister. Andie: (angry) Alright, Pacey. I told you I didn't want to come to this wedding. I told you it would only put me in a bad mood, and you forced me to come. So you know what? Now you're going to have to deal with the consequences-- (She moves her hands out to prove her point and she knocks over the top layer of the cake which smashes to the ground. Joey saw the cake drop and she closes her eyes and sighs.) Andie: Ahh.. Pacey: Oh, dear lord... [SCENE_BREAK] (Cut to Dawson going into the room where the bride's at. She's sitting in a chair, obviously upset.) Dawson: (surprised) Hi. Pam: Hi... Dawson: Are you okay? Pam: I think I'm having a heart attack. Dawson: D-do you want me to get somebody? Pam: No! Don't get anybody! Just help me get this window open (she goes over to a window.) Dawson: Wh-What are you trying to do? Pam: (hesitantly) Can you keep a secret? Dawson: Yeah.. Pam: I'm not going through with this. I can't get married. Dawson: W-why not? (Pam starts crying.) Pam: I want to diieee....oh, please, just let me die... Dawson: What's the matter? Don't you love him? Pam: I don't know. That's the thing. What if I marry him and it's the biggest mistake of my life? Dawson: I-I don't know what to say... (Dawson just kinda stares at her wondering how the world he got himself into this mess. Cut to Jen's house. Abby and Jen are in Jen's room.) Grams: Jennifer! Would you please turn that down! Jen: Sorry, Grams! Abby: (mocking) Jennifer! Would you please turn that down! (They laugh) Abby: I'm bored. Jen: What do you want to do tonight, huh? I'm determined to have a blast no matter what. Abby: I don't know. I think we're in desperate need of the 3 B's: booze, boys, (tries to think of the other, starts over)...booze, boys.. (Jen laughs.) Abby: Well, that's only two B's. So what are Dawson and those other lame excuses for teenagers doing tonight? Jen: The Icehouse is catering this wedding at the Atheneom...everybody's there. Guess nobody thought to invite me. I guess I'm not really part of the 'inner circle'. Abby: The Atheneom? Free champagne, older guys in tuxedos...me likes. Jen: One problem, Abby. Lack of invitation. Abby: Well, an invitation has never stopped me before. I say we get really dressed up, and crash that wedding. We'll show Dawson and his little click a wedding they'll never forget. (They laugh. Cut to the people in the ceremony looking at their watches, waiting. Cut to Dawson in the room with the crying bride.) Dawson: Okay, I don't want to put any pressure on you but the ceremony is about to start...you've really got to make a decision. Jack: (from outside the door) Hey Dawson! Dawson: (to Pam) Hold on! I'll handle this. (Dawson opens the door.) Jack: Were you in there long enough? Dawson: Well, we've got a little problem. The bride wants to jump out the window. Jack: Where is she? Dawson: She's in there. She's hysterical. We might have to cancel the wedding. Jack: Let me talk to her. Dawson: I really don't think you could do any good right now. Jack: Where is she? (Dawson opens the door and the place where Pam was sitting is empty.) Dawson: She was right there. (They look at the closed bathroom door. Cut to Joey in the kitchen. Bessie walks in.) Joey: Where's Dad? Bessie: Why? What's happening? Joey: This wedding is rapidly becoming a disaster. Jack and Dawson disappeared. Pacey and Andie just ruined the cake and the food isn't even ready yet. Bessie: Joey, just calm down. Everything's going to be okay. Joey: No, Dawson's right! I mean, Bessie, we have enough to deal with now that Dad's back without taking on this wedding! We were so blinded by all of a sudden paying back our debts that we overlook the now painfully obvious reality that we have no idea what we're doing! Bessie: It's not that bad! Everything's under control. We're just experiencing a few glitches. Joey: A few glitches? Bessie, we're going to ruin this wedding and humiliate ourselves, again, in front of all of Capeside! It's the story of our lives. Bessie: No! It's not over yet. We can do this. I don't think we should get Dad all worked up about it? Joey: Why not?! This was his bright idea in the first place! He tore our family apart and he thinks he can just put it back together in a day, well, he can't! (Bessie's face drops and she turns around and walks out of the room and Joey closes her eyes and slowly turns around hoping she won't see who she thinks she will. Her father overheard the whole conversation.) (Cut to people impatiently awaiting for the ceremony to begin. Cut to Dawson and Jack leaned against the door of the bathroom.) Jack: If you don't open up the door, I'm going to have to get your mother. (Dawson gives him a look.) Jack: It was worth a try. (All of a sudden they hear something. They move away and open the door.) Jack: Hey! How you doin'? Pam: I'm going to be sick. Jack: Are you havin' second thoughts? Pam: I keep thinking...what if Alan isn't my soulmate? What if my soulmate is still out there and I just haven't met him yet? And now, I'm giving up my one chance for perfect love. Jack: You could spend your whole life looking for perfect love, and I promise you. You'll never find it. (She starts crying again.) Jack: No! It's-it's-because love isn't perfect! Everyone's flawed. Including you. Including Alan. But Alan loves you, and that love is real. Are you sure you want to walk away from something that's real? For a dream that may not even exist? (She smiles. Jack smiles.) Jack: C'mon. You're just suffering from an acute case of the wedding day jitters. It wouldn't be a wedding without em. It's a tradition! It's like throwing a bouquet or taking off the garter. Besides, I bet when you start to walk down that aisle, and you look into Alan's eyes, all your fears are just going to dissolve away. (Cut to Pam walking down the aisle. Cut to Mitch looking over at Gail. Cut to Dawson looking at Joey, she looks back at him and smiles. Cut to Pam walking up to Dawson and Jack.) Pam: (to Jack) I don't even know you, but you saved my life. Thank you. (She kisses him on the cheek.) Pam: I'm so happy. (She walks off.) Dawson: Okay, I talk to her for 20 minutes and she wants to jump out of a window, you come in and in two minutes, you save her marriage. (confused) How do you do that? Jack: Well, I train with this Indian shamin who lives up in the woods. (They laugh.) Jack: I don't know. I guess I just happen to say the right things. Dawson: (pause) There's a time where she used to come to me. Jack: Joey? Dawson: Yeah. Whenever she had bad news or something she wanted to talk about, she would climb through my window and we'd talk for hours and hours. Now she goes to you. Jack: Dawson, I don't think you should draw any conclusions about your relationship with Joey based on something so circumstantial. I may be friends with her...but you're her soulmate. Dawson: You just told the bride you don't believe in soulmates. Jack: I don't believe in perfect love, but I do believe that there are people who's lives are inextricably intertwined, who have a bond that lasts forever. That can never be broken. And she needs you now, man. You're the only one that knows her whole history. You're the only one that knows what she's going through. Dawson: I know! And I keep on reaching out to her but between her pride...and this wedding. It's--I can't connect. Jack: Maybe what she needs is for you to force a connection. (Dawson thinks. Cut to Andie watching at the door to a back room.) Andie: Ohhhh my God! Hurry up, they're coming! (Pacey takes the stuff away from "the cake") Pacey: How's it look? (It looks like a blob) Andie: What have you done?! That looks worse! Pacey: Well, I don't know! I'm not a pastry chef, alright? Andie: Oh my God, Pacey! (Pam opens the door.) Pam: Hi! (Andie jumps in front of it.) Andie: Hi! Pam: Is the cake back here? I want to see it. Andie: No, it's--it's...it's very bad luck for the bride to see her wedding cake on an empty stomach! Pam: Really? What will happen? Andie: She'll get fat! Pam: Ohh. Andie: They say. Pam: I've only heard that the...top layer of the cake represents the marriage. (Andie's eyes get huge.) Pam: (cont.) We're supposed to put it in the freezer for good luck and (getting teary-eyed) eat it on our first anniversary. Andie: Awwww. (Pam turns and leaves. Andie shuts the door.) Andie: Did you hear that? That's an omen! If their marriage breaks up it will be our fault. Pacey: Our fault? I think you mean your fault. It was your wild instrictulations that sent this baby flying in the first place. Andie: Ohhh God, when she comes in to cut the cake she's going to be horrified! I should not have come. Not only have I wrecked their wedding, but I've put a curse on their marriage! Pacey: Andie, would you settle down! Weren't you the one that was just yelling about anti-symbolism anyhow? Andie: Yeah, but her wedding day is supposed to be perfect! I mean, look at that cake! And the little itsy bitsy groom is covered in frosting... Pacey: (squints his eyes at her) I knew it. (pauses) I'm not working on this cake for one more minute until you admit to me that you're a closet romantic. Andie: I am not. I already told you. It's a bogus, sentimental convention. (Pacey walks towards the door and holds it open.) Andie: Oh my God, the groom! Pacey! (through clenched teeth) Come on! (Pacey raises his eyebrows and shakes his head no.) Andie: Okay! I admit it, you're right. I'm a sucker for taffeta, the sight of the little flower girl makes me weepy! I'm a wedding fanatic! There! Are you happy? (Pacey smiles and walks back towards the cake.) Andie: Hurry up. The cake. (Cut to Mr.Potter finishing up some plates and Joey walks in and sets her tray down.) Joey: Hi Dad. Mr.Potter: Hey. I think we're pretty much caught up here. The Potter's will find a way. Joey: It looks amazing. Mr.Potter: When you spend three months alone in a prison cell, it can make you monstrously self-absorbed. I never even considered how my presence here would adversely effect you. Joey: I'm really stressed out. I didn't mean any of those things. Mr.Potter: Well, whether you did or didn't, you were completely right. You two have been so strong. You've done so well and here comes your criminal father, coming back to Capeside to bring you more shame and scandal. Joey: You can't expect to come back and have everything be back to normal again. Things have changed and I think we need to deal with this as a family before we invite in the malignous scrutiny of total strangers... Mr.Potter: I'm the father. I'm the one who's supposed to be protecting you against all the harsh realities of the world and here you are protecting me. Yet again I'm failing in my parental duties. Joey: Please don't say that. Mr.Potter: I better go check on that salmon... (He leaves. Cut to Gail taking a glass of champagne from someone.) Gail: Thank you. (Dawson walks up.) Dawson: How you doin', Mom? Gail: Dawson, who is that woman with your father? Dawson: That would be my film teacher at school. The notorious one who told me that my film was insipid. (Mitch and the film teacher start to head over.) Gail: How long has he been seeing her? Dawson: I don't know. Mitch: Hello, Gail. This is Nicole. (Gail gives her an evil look.) Mitch: And of course you know Dawson. (Dawson manages a smile.) Nicole: Well, it was a lovely wedding, wasn't it? Gail: Honey, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go find my seat. Dawson: Okay. Dad, can I talk to you for a second? Mitch: Yeah. (They walk away.) Mitch: Dawson, I know this is awkward for you. Truthfully, I didn't know you were going to be here. Dawson: That's not the point, Dad. You knew that Mom was going to be here. Mitch: Nicole is a colleague. She's smart and she's funny and I enjoy spending time with her and if your mother has a problem with that she's going to have to deal with it. I have to live my life. (He notices he's getting too loud and some people are starting to watch. He pauses and starts quieter.) Mitch: I'm sorry. The last thing I want to do is put you in the middle. Dawson: Well, that's exactly what you're doing by dating teachers from my school. (Cut to Abby and Jen standing idly behind the tables at the wedding.) Jen: Abby, there are no cute guys here. It's totally the middle age set. Abby: I think you need a father figure, Jen. Somebody who has more sexual experience than you, if that's possible. Jen: Oh, shut up. Abby: I'm just kidding. Jen: I'm sure that they're all married. Abby: Well, maybe it's time to graduate from nymphet to homewrecker. Cheers. Jen: Cheers. (They hit their champagne glasses together and Andie walks up to them.) Abby: Oh, look. Love the outfit, Andie. You look like a little penguin. Andie: What are you guys doing here? Abby: Raising hell, what are you doing here? Andie: Okay, look, I don't think it's a very good idea for you guys to be here, okay? This is a romantic occasion, please don't ruin it! Abby: Oh, well we'll just keep you company then. Andie: Look, we're in the middle of handling a crisis here. We don't need this kind of distraction. (She starts dragging them towards the door.) Abby: (confused) Are you kicking us out? Andie: Yes! This is not a tailgate party, it's a wedding! It's invitation only and your being here is going to get us all in trouble so please just leave. Abby: Geez, you might want to try upping the dosage on those mood stabilizers! Andie: The exit is that way. Jen: Listen Abby, why don't we just go on down to the boardwalk and we'll come back after dinner when everyone's a little more toasted and not so uptight. (They walk towards the door and Abby grabs a bottle of champagne out of a bucket and turns back to Andie.) Abby: For the road...buh-bye! (She leaves and Andie angrily walks back towards the back room. Cut to Dawson carrying some cups into the back. He finds Joey in a room.) Dawson: Joey, what's wrong? Joey: Nothing. Dawson: Joey, you've been crying. Don't tell me nothing's wrong. I know you. Joey: Dawson, it's just been a really hectic day, I'm fine. (Dawson looks at her and she looks him in the eye and tries to prove she is fine but she can't and she looks down and gives in.) Joey: I'm just really scared. (Dawson seems almost relieved that she's telling him.) Joey: I just get him back and what if he hurts me again? I can't keep getting my heart broken by him. Dawson: (comforting) Joey... Joey: I can't... Dawson: I think in the back of your mind, you've always felt that as soon as your father got back, everything would be fine. Life would be perfect. I think your father probably felt the same way, too. As soon as he got back he could just clean up every mess, right every wrong, but ...he can't. You two are both suffering under the burden of such impossibly high expectations right now and all this hurt and pain and anger that you're feeling isn't going to just disappear ...and that's okay. (She looks at him, questionably.) Dawson: Joey, for these past three years you have been so unbelievably strong. I mean, you've let the petty gossips and judgements of this town roll right off you. Don't let them get to you now. (pauses) Now's the time to dig in your heels and show them that you have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. And...you're not alone in this. You have a father now. You have a family again. And you will always...have me. Joey: (whispers) Thank you. (They hug. Cut to Joey walking back into the kitchen with a tray.) Mr.Potter: Hey! How'd it go out there? Joey: Well, no one's complained of bachelorism yet. I think it went well. (There's a long silence.) Joey: Dad, do you remember Melissa Barry? She always wore her hair on top of her head and a ponytail? Mr.Potter: Yeah, she was a friend of yours. Joey: Yeah...(pauses) the day you were arrested, I was at school in the bathroom in one of the stalls and I overheard her talking about you. About how you were a drug dealer and how we lived in a crack house and she was laughing and, I remember, I was so upset. I ran home and I cried for hours and Dawson came over and he cheered me up. The next day I went to school and I walked up to her and I looked her straight in the eye ...and I smiled and I walked away like nothing ever happened. Mr.Potter: Joey, I'm sorry. Joey: No, that's not my point. People are always going to talk. That's tough and I'll always walk with my head held high and they can't crush me. And I know that you've been through a lot. You've made your mistakes, but...you're my dad. And I'm proud of you. The thing is...protecting your strength from the outside world is one thing...please don't pretend with me and I promise I won't pretend with you. (pauses trying not to cry) But, um, I just wanted to say...I love you and I'm really glad that you're home. (They hug and a tear rolls down Mr. Potter's face.) Joey: Come on. I want to show my dad off to all of Capeside. Mr.Potter: I think you were right before. When it comes to the outside world, I think we should take things slow. Joey: But I don't care about the outside world. I care about you. There's a celebration going on and we have so much to celebrate. Come with me. Mr.Potter: I'm not ready, Joey. Not yet. (He walks off and Joey looks down at the ground. Cut to Pacey and Andie wheeling the cake out.) Pacey: Ahh...so, how's it look? Andie: It--It looks great! Thank you! (She turns to hug him and almost knocks it over again.) Pacey: Wo-wo-wo. Andie: Oh, yeah...we should probably get this on top now. (She starts to lift it and Pacey stops her.) Pacey: Andie, why don't I take care of that for you? (He gets it on and the bride and groom walk up.) Pam: May I..May I see the cake now? (Andie moves out of the way.) Pam: Oh, it's beautiful. (They kiss. Cut to Pam putting cake into Alan's mouth. Cut to Pacey and Andie watching.) Pacey: You must just be disgusted right now with all this sentimental bogus symbolism. Andie: Shut up, Pacey. (Cut to Abby and Jen walking drunkedly up the stairs.) Jen: Do you ever think that you'll get married? Abby: Married? To some beer-swiggling, football-watching bonehead? (Jen laughs.) Jen: Living in some cookie cutter house with two snot-nose little brats. Driving the car pool baby. (They sit on the edge of the docks with their back facing the fall towards the water.) Abby: Grocery shopping. Jen: Climbing the walls. Abby: Popping Valium. Jen: Suburban nightmare. Abby: You know, I don't think I'll ever be happy. Wherever I am, I'll always want to be somewhere else. Whatever I have, I'll always want something different. Jen: I hear ya! Abby: I just don't want to be a cliche. Jen: Or a whore. (Abby laughs and takes the champagne bottle from her.) Abby: Let me have a drink! Jen: Amen! (Abby leans back and loses her balance and falls over and hits her head on one of the wooden poles and drops the champagne bottle. Jen starts laughing like crazy.) Abby: Don't laugh: that hurt, you bitch! (She tries to regain her balance but slips and falls over the back of the dock and falls into the water.) Jen: (Yelling) Abby! Abby!!! Oh my God! Abby!!!!! Abby? Abby! (After surveying the water for any sign of Abby, Jen jumps in after her. Cut to the wedding where everyone's dancing.) Pacey: May I have the pleasure of this dance, Miss McPhee? (She puts her arm in his.) Andie: Pacey, I guess wedding's aren't that bad. Pacey: See, I win. I knew you'd come around. Andie: I think that when we get married ...we should do it in Venice. (Pacey's face falls.) Andie: It's the city of romance. What do you think? Pacey: I think by the time we're married that city will have already sunk into the sea. (Andie gives him a look.) Andie: We'll see. (Cut to Mitch and Nicole dancing. Cut to Gail sitting at a table by herself. Dawson sees her. He walks over.) Dawson: Mom? Will you dance with me? Gail: (smiles) Yes. (They walk out onto the floor.) Dawson: You know, a very wise person told me that knowing what you want is half the battle. The trick is to stay tenacious and never let a minor setback derail your vision. Gail: Thank you, honey. (Cut to Joey and Jack standing beside the dance floor.) Jack: Well, you did it. The wedding was a success. Joey: I'm just glad it's over. I mean, no money in the world is worth this kind of stress. (Jack's face changes as he spots something across the room. Mr.Potter walks out of the kitchen in a tux.) Jack: Joey. (He motions his head for her to look. She sees him and smiles.) Joey: Daddy. (She walks closer and he pulls out one red rose and gives it to her. She smiles.) Mr.Potter: May I have this dance? (They start dancing. Cut to Dawson's face smiling watching Joey dance with her dad. Cut to Bessie walking out of the kitchen and smiling when she sees Joey dancing with her father. Cut to Pacey and Andie dancing then to the bride and the groom dancing. Then back to Joey and her dad.) Mr.Potter: I think there's someone else who wants to dance with you. (Joey looks at him confused and he looks over at Dawson and Gail.) Joey: Dad. Gail: Hello, Mike. Welcome home. Mr.Potter: Thank you. Would you like to dance? Gail: I would love to. (They start dancing and Dawson and Joey look at each other. Joey sighs and wraps her arms around his neck and they start dancing.) Joey: Hey. Dawson: Hey. Joey: So, thank you. Dawson: (smiles) For what? Joey: For being my friend, for understanding me better than anyone, and for putting up with me for the last 16 years. (pauses) I love you. Dawson: I love you, too. (They kiss and then they pull away from each other and they lean in and start kissing again. Gail and Mr. Potter notice them and smile. Jack sees them and he smiles. Cut to a zoom out shot of everyone dancing and Dawson and Joey are still kissing on the dance floor. Cut to an ambulance while paramedics are zipping up Abby Morgan, now dead with mud on her face, in a body bag as Jen stands next to the ambulance wrapped in a blanket crying. Zoom out of the shot. Cue ending credits.)

With Joey's father suddenly back in town, Bessie and he decide to expand the Ice House to also cater for weddings. Needing help, they enlist Andie, who says she hates weddings, and Pacey, who loves them. Joey doesn't think her father, recently out of jail, should be seen so publicly in Capeside. Dawson feels sorry for his mother, who arrives to the wedding alone, a feeling that is exacerbated when his father shows up with Miss Kennedy. Jack and Dawson battle to help a scared bride, while Andie and Pacey scramble to fix the cake. Dawson and Joey reconnect romantically. Jen and Abby sneak into the wedding, but when Andie kicks them out, they head to the local docks, leading to tragedy.

fd_Angel_02x06

fd_Angel_02x06_0

[PREVIOUSLY_ON] Angel to Darla: "So you're what Wolfram and Hart brought back in that box." Darla to Lindsey: "What *is* the plan exactly?" Lindsey: "We don't want him dead. We want him dark." Angel grabs Darla by the throat: "Stop!" Darla presses a cross against his chest: "You stop! - God doesn't want you (they break apart) but I still do." Wesley walks around the lobby counter looking at an open file in his hand. Tries to open the top drawer of the file cabinet. When it sticks, he gives it a good yank and the drawer flies completely out, scattering papers on the floor. With a grimace, Wesley swings the drawer by its handle so it comes to rest on the counter top then crouches down to retrieve the papers. A guy steps up to the counter. Guy: "Hello." Wesley straightens up and bangs his head on the file drawer sticking out past the counter. Wesley: "Didn't hear you come in. Uh, how can I help you?" Guy: "Where is he?" Wesley: "Angel? He's rather - out at the moment. Is there something I can do for you? I'm his associate." Guy: "Yeah. You could tell me where the boss is. It's kinda urgent." Wesley: "Oh, we specialize in urgent. Life and death, is it?" Guy: "It could get rough. I need someone with his special abilities." Wesley: "I understand perfectly. Why don't you fill me in and as soon as we find..." Guy: "What about you? You got any special abilities?" Wesley: "A few, I dare say." Guy: "Are you a creature of the night?" Wesley: "No. But I was a rogue demon hunter so - I know how to handle myself when things get rough." Wesley slips on the papers on the floor and lands on his butt. Guy: "Yeah. You're scary." Wesley gets back up: "I'm sure he'll be back soon." Guy: "Might want to tell the boss, he wants to run a business he shouldn't be foisting clients off on his secretary." The guy turns away and walks out. Wesley: "That's associate." Wesley goes back to gathering up papers as Cordy hurries down the stairs. Cordy: "What are you doing?" Wesley: "Ah. Knocking things over, driving away business - you know, the usual." Cordy: "Well, I found him and we have to stop him before it's too late we have to change our (looks down at the dress she is holding in her right hand) Do you have any clothes a man would wear?" Wolfram and Hart, day, a guard checks one of the corridors in the basement. After he walks on, a grate in the floor is pushed open and Angel climbs out of it, followed by Gunn. Angel sees a guy and a woman arguing a little ways down the hallway branching off to their right. Angel to Gunn: "Don't make eye contact. Keep going." The two of them walk across the hallway and step into the elevator. The doors are almost closed, when someone sticks a briefcase between them. The doors slide back open. It's the pair from the hallway, and they are Wesley and Cordy, dressed in lawyer garb. Angel grabs them and pulls them into the elevator. Angel pushing a floor button: "What are you two doing in here?" Cordelia pushing the door open button: "Um, I'm thinking risking our lives to save yours..." Gunn: "How'd you get in?" Wesley: "We used the door." Gunn: "And they just let you in?" Cordelia: "Hello. Lawyer! (Angel pushes up, Cordy pushes open) You're not going up there." Angel pushes up: "No, no. I need to do this. I have to find her... where they have her..." Cordelia pushes open: "Still with the Darla of it?" Wesley to Gunn: "Did you encourage this?" Gunn: "I'm just going along for the ride." Angel pushes up. Cordelia pushes open: "Gonna be a pretty short ride. They have vampire detectors!" Gunn: "We know. It's cool. He's got a plan." Wesley: "A plan?" Angel: "Yeah. (Pushes up) I get to the offices before they stop me." Gunn: "See? (Whips his head around to stare at Angel) What? *That's* the plan? Walking real quick was the "plan"?" Cordelia pushes open: "Angel, this is crazy. Listen to yourself. You're all insane and angry and (Angel pushes up) insane! You need help!" Angel: "I'm not insane and I'm not angry" Cordy pushes open, and this time there is a security guard there, triggering the stake concealed in his nightstick. Angel grabs a hold of it and stabs him through the foot with it. Wesley: "Euugh!" Gunn: "Man, that's nasty." The guard is trying to pull out the stick but it went all the way through his shoe and is wedged tightly into the crack between the elevator and hallway. Angel walking past the guard: "Maybe I'm a little angry." The other give the struggling guard one last look then follow him out. Cordy: "Maybe?" Intro On the stage of the Karaoke bar two Japanese men are singing "I got you babe," Wesley, Cordy and Gunn are sitting at a table, watching. Gunn: "Okay, what I want to know is (sees a horned demon light a cigarette on a candle) how'd I live in L.A. all my life and not notice weird-ass stuff was going on?" Cordelia: "Oh, the ass is even weirder than you think." Wesley: "The Host, the fellow talking to Angel over there? He helps demons, reads their souls, senses their futures..." Cordelia: "Yes, but he can only do it when they sing Karaoke." Angel and the host are leaning on the bar counter. Host: "I thought maybe I'd seen you walk away for the last time. You doing okay?" Angel: "Yeah, yeah." Host: "Once more with less feeling." Angel: "I guess I'm a little, ah, uhm - rocky." Host: You're Rocky and Rocky II and half of the one with Mister T. Tell me about it." Angel: "I just... I-I feel this... like - I have to do something - and if I don't let it out I'll explode, and then - when I do something - it feels, ah - I-I think, maybe - this - this is it. I... (hangs his head) I'll sing if I have to." Gunn: "Wait. Are you saying... Is he gonna sing? Oh God, is Angel gonna sing?" Host: "You don't have to sing. A break for you, a break for me, and a break for Mr. Manilow." The host pulls out a notepad and scribbles something on it. Angel: "Okay. Uh. If you're sure." Host: "Poor Angelito. Here." Angel takes the paper: "What's this?" Host: "An address in Ojai. A friend of mine, even though, does he ever call? Does he ever write? Good guy, though. You ever hear of the T'ish Magev?" Young man comes by and hands the host a drink. Host: "Thank you, Ramone. I was just thinking I'd rather be drinking. (to Angel) He's a treasure." Angel: "The T'ish Magev... he's like... a swami, sort of, right? Very powerful... This is his address." Host: "I'm sending you to him. You need more than I can do for you. This guy... he'll shock your chakras, fillet your soul... whatever you need. Go to him." The two Japanese guys finish their song and the host gets up. Host: "Lovely! That was Cher-riffic, boys!" Angel to the trio at the table: "We're going. I don't have to sing." Cordelia: "Oh thank God! (Angel looks at her) I - I mean for your sake, 'cause you don't like to do that." Shot of Angel driving along a deserted freeway. Cordy and Wesley are in Angel's office tidying up some papers. Cordelia: "I figure he'll be back pretty quick. This swami guy sounds kinda magic, he'll probably just do a spell and zap this obsession out of Angel's head." Wesley: "Intriguing notion. Psychiatry through magic. Instant cures for phobias, compulsions, identity crises." Cordy sits down in the big chair behind Angel's desk. Cordy spins the chair in circles: "Hey, look at me. I'm Angel!" Wesley: "He doesn't generally spin that much." Cordy: "Right. Right. This is Angel. (Picks up a book, opens it and pretends to read it, leaning her head in one hand.) Oh, no. I can't do anything fun tonight. I have to count my past sins, then alphabetize them. Oh, by the way, I'm thinking of snapping on Friday. (Wesley suppresses a smile and Cordy gives him a big grin.) - You know, I love Angel and everything, but right now, I'm so glad he's headed the other way." Angel walks up onto the porch of a log cabin situated next to a lake and knocks on the door. The door is opened by a burly guy wearing a blue, plaid shirt over a gray T-shirt. Magev: "Yeah." Angel after a beat: "I'm looking for the T'ish Magev?" Magev: "Well, you found him." Angel looks him up and down: "Really. - You're the swami?" Magev: "You're the - vampire with a soul?" Angel: "Yeah." Magev steps away from the open door: "Well, in or out? You're letting in the bugs." Cordy walks into the hotel lobby and is grabbed around the neck by a guy from behind. Benny: "Where is Angel?" Cordy: "He's not here." Benny: "You're lying. Give me Angel." Cordy tugs on his arm: "I-I can't. Let go! (He does and Cordy turns to face him) It's about time you..." Benny pulls out a gun and points it at her. Wesley overhears Benny as he walks towards the lobby. Benny: "My boss needs your boss. So I can not leave here without him. So you are gonna get him for me now, or I'm gonna blow your head off." Cordy: "No! I-I - I-I can't..." Wesley quickly heads back into Angel's office. Cordy: "...I-I-I don't know where he is. I swear." Benny cocking his gun: "Too bad." Cordy: "Wait! Wait! Listen, I-I... (We see someone in a long, dark coat walks towards them.) Please wait." Wesley wearing Angel's coat: "I'm Angel. (He almost slips on something but catches himself before Benny spins around to confront him.)You looking for me?" At the cabin Angel is sitting across from the Magev, who is tying a new hook on his fishing rod. Magev: "Nice ride." Angel: "Sorry?" Magev: "The car. Very slick." Angel: "Thanks." Magev: "What kind of mileage do you get with that thing?" Angel: "I don't know. 12 in the city, maybe." Magev nods: "Gas hog. Still, probably a chick magnet, right?" Angel: "What? (Magev looks at him) No." Magev: "If you say so." Angel after a moment: "I though we were gonna talk about my problems." Magev: "That car is your problem, pal. Says everything about you." Angel: "The car." Magev: "Yes, the car. You live in L.A. It's all about the car you drive." Angel: "I really don't think..." Magev: "Vampire, living in a city known for its sun - driving a convertible. - Why do you hate yourself?" Angel: "I don't. I mean, I got a deal." Magev: "You got a deal. - Why not a personalized license plate that says 'irony'?" Angel: "Top goes up." Magev: "Appearances. Very important to you." Angel: "That's not true." Magev: "Sure it is. So important that you're willing to put your eternal life at risk every time you hop into that thing. Top up or not." Angel: "It's just a car." Magev: "Oh. So why all the layers, all the black? You know it's been about 80 degrees in the shade lately." Angel: "No reason. I-I don't have a body temperature so..." Magev: "So it's for the look." Angel: "No. - It's just this way I don't have to worry about matching. - I don't have a reflection so..." Magev: "Sure you do." Angel: "I do?" Magev: "You're reflected in the people around you. The way *they* see you. - What do you think they see?" Benny now has his gun pointed at Wesley's chest. Wesley: "That - that - that won't kill me." Benny: "Fine. Let's go. (Lowers his gun and walks towards the door) Follow me." Wesley: "You just expect me to follow you. I don't see why I should. (Turns away from Benny and takes a step towards Cordy) Ah, you know the gun won't kill me." Benny: "Oh yeah? (Points the gun at Cordy) What's it gonna do to her? (Wesley spins around) Come on." Wesley, hands up in a placating gesture: "Yes. Alright. (Benny lowers his gun, and Wesley folds his arms across his chest) but, ah, I shan't be cooperative." We see a fancy house with robed guards at the entrance. Benny walks in, followed by Wesley. Benny without turning around: "I invite you in." Wesley quickly jumps back across the threshold, then enters again as Benny turns to motion him to enter. Wesley: "Thank you. Considerate." Two men come walking into the entrance hall. Bryce: "Sounds like you're saying it was my intention." Paul: "I'm not saying it was on purpose. It's just obviously some gives your drivers their instructions." Bryce: "And your drivers? One little overreaction - you never know what *that's* gonna lead to." Paul: "Hmm, it's good then that you and I got together, you and I. Cleared it all up. No misunderstandings." Bryce: "I think you understand me perfectly, Paul." After a beat, Paul turns away. Paul throws a look at Wesley before walking out the door. Benny to Bryce: "This is Angel." Bryce: "Angel. (Shakes Wesley's hand) Sorry to make you wait - business thing. Come on in. (He leads the way into a room) I'm pleased to meet you, Angel. My name is Magnus Bryce. Benny, get him a drink." Wesley: "Mr. Bryce, I know who you are. I read the business pages. I don't know why you want me here, but this is not the way to get my cooperation. Your man abducted me tonight!" Bryce: "I understand you're frustrated. But I'm a desperate man. You help people. I need help - protection for someone very dear to me. Now, relax, let me explain." Benny hands Wesley a glass: "Cheers." Wesley looks at it: "Blood. I don't usually - drink in front of humans." Bryce: "Don't insult me. Go on. (Wesley takes the glass) It's fresh." Wesley swallows hard, lifts the glass and takes a drink. Lowers the glass, his lips pressed firmly together. Wesley: "Dear god! That's - nummy." Lifts a hand to cover his mouth. Bryce: "You've heard about the software, the cable network, - that's all a front. The money comes from wizardry. My great-grandfather created our first spell in his garage, (Puts a hand to his stomach, the lifts it back to his mouth to cover a burp) a simple - tallness illusion. Now it's all custom designed work for people with the right money." Wesley: "Really?" Bryce turns to pick something up off the table the same time Benny turns to look at something on one of the side tables. Bryce: "You see someone in this town with looks and talent..." Wesley notices he's unobserved for the moment and quickly pours the rest of the blood into a flower vase on a table just behind him. Then notices that it's a clear glass vase and steps in front of it as Benny and Bryce turn back to face him. Bryce: "...chances are - we provided one of them. It's like they say: the goddess Yeska does not give with both hands. It's not a nice business. I have a lot of enemies - industry rivals." Wesley: "Like the man in the hall?" Bryce: "Paul Lanier? His firm's in wish-granting. Scary little euro-creep. And there are others." Wesley: "Lanier is threatening you?" Bryce: "Someone - is threatening my daughter. My only family. Maybe it's Lanier, maybe it's Briggs over at consolidated curses. There are letters and calls. Twice we have caught intruders inside the house." Wesley: "But you're a powerful wizard. Certainly you must know dozens of protection spells." Bryce: "Hundreds. Used them all. These guys are in the business, they know all the tricks." Wesley: "You want me to say I'll act as her bodyguard." Bryce: "No. You don't really get to say anything. I'm gonna pay you a lot of money to protect her. You'll do it - and get paid - and we'll both be very happy." Magev: "There are *two* yous." The two of them are standing in the main room of the cabin. Angel: "To mes." Magev: "The image you work so hard to create and the real you." After a beat Angel takes off his black leather jacket and drops it on a chair. Angel: "Well, maybe my persona *is* a little - affected." Magev: "A little affected? Come on. How many warriors slated for the coming apocalypse do you think are gonna be using that hair gel? (Angel runs a hand through his hair) Don't get me wrong - you're out there fighting the ultimate evil (Takes to wood staffs off the wall) you're gonna want something with hold. - But how do you expect to triumph over the soldiers of darkness when you're still fighting yourself?" Angel: "You think I'm fighting myself?" Magev throws him one of the staffs and Angel catches it. Magev: "Let's find out." Virginia is lounging on her bed, reading, when Bryce comes in followed by Wesley and Benny. Bryce: "Honey, we have a guest." Virginia: "Oh, look. The vampire's here." Wesley: "Uh, yes. Hello." Virginia sits up: "Well, daddy knows how to send out for just about anything." Bryce: "Virginia, play nice. Angel's gone out of his way to help us." Virginia: "No he hasn't. You probably brought him here at gun point." Wesley chuckles, saunters further into the room, checks over his looks in her vanity mirror, then jumps back with a yell. Bryce: "What? What's wrong?" Wesley: "Cover that mirror!" Virginia: "Why? We know you're a vampire." Wesley: "Do it!" Virginia gets up and covers it. Wesley: "I'm terribly sorry. It's just strategy. If the attack - were to happen here... If I were to fight here I - wouldn't want my opponents to know too soon - what I really am." Bryce: "Good man." Virginia: "Yeah, great! He's already anticipating letting kidnappers into my room." Wesley: "Mr. Bryce, may I speak to Virginia alone?" Bryce: "I'll be right outside." He and Benny step out and close the door. Wesley: "You were right. I didn't want to be here." Virginia: "I knew it. He thinks he owns everyone." Wesley: "But there are threats. It's dangerous. You need to be protected. (Virginia just shrugs) You have a lot of books. You must spend some time in here." Virginia: "Well, there have been threats for a long time. Every time there is a new one - I buy a book shelf." Wesley: "Virginia, we're both stuck here. So it seems to me - I might as well do what he wants me to do - and do my best to protect you." Virginia: "You think you're the vampire for the job?" Wesley: "Well, I wanna try. - You gonna fight me?" After a beat Virginia gets up from her chair: "Let's go shopping." Wesley: "What? Now? It's the middle of the night! Wouldn't you rather wait till morning - when I can't reasonably leave the house. Yes, as your bodyguard I insist we go at once." He opens the door and tells Bryce as they walk past him: "We're going shopping." Gunn: "At gun point?" Cordy: "Yes! The point of a gun. He just walked Wesley right out of here. And this whole "I'm Angel" thing is a very, very bad idea. I mean, if I thought *that* would work, *I* could've been Angel, because, guess what, pretty much a girly name." Gunn: "Were'd they go?" Cordy: "I don't know. I tried to follow them, but I lost them." Gunn: "So what's the plan?" Cordy: "The plan is, you go get Angel from the Swami place, I track down Wesley. This guy that took him, pretty distinctive, maybe I can find a criminal record, known associates - uh! Mug shots!" Gunn: "I better get started. It's gonna take me a long time to find this place." Cordy: "Gunn - this thug-guy is bad news. I really hate to think where Wesley may be right now." Wesley and Virginia walk into a fancy store. There is champagne in an ice bucket sitting on a table and soft classical music is playing in the background. Wesley looking around: " I say, this place is extraordinary. Wizard supplies. - It's a little exposed, though isn't it? I mean - are you really safe here?" Virginia: "You tell me." Wesley: "Oh, yes. My job exactly. To make it safe. Well, I shall certainly do my best." Virginia: "We all do our best for Daddy. Makes shopping for him a real pain." Wesley: "Ah, we're looking for a *gift* are we?" Virginia: "For his birthday. Number fifty. That's why he's so twitchy lately. Big party makes security dodgy, plus I think there's a whole mid-life thing going on." Wesley: "You're looking at talismans?" Virginia: "Images of the goddess Yeska, his favorite creepy deity. - What do you think of the gold one?" Wesley: " Attractive, but it isn't real gold -it couldn't be, one good spell would melt it. I'd go with the iron one." Virginia: "You sound like dad. - He really gets into all this stuff. He loves it all, the rituals - magic..." Wesley: "You don't love it." Virginia: "I used to - when I was little. It's been just him and me for a long time. He used to sit me next to him at his desk and teach me about runic incantations or enchanted armor." Wesley: "But not any more?" Virginia: "No. I mean, *he* still loves this stuff. - Guy's gotta love something." Wesley puts his hand on top of a helmet sitting on the counter their leaning on. Wesley: " Your father obviously loves you, too. He's gone to some trouble to protect you." Virginia: "He has his car insured, too. (Looks at Wesley's hand) Doesn't that hurt?" Wesley looks over and sees that the helmet is topped by a cross, quickly pulls his hand away, pretending to be burnt. Wesley: "Ow, hot, hot. (Sticks his hand into the ice bucket, but after a moment he pulls it back out) cold! Cold." Two guys come up on either side of Virginia. 1. Guy: "Virginia, we're gonna go now." 2. Guy: "Say good bye to the pretty guy." Wesley: "Wait!" Virginia: "Angel!" 1. guy: "You're Angel? The vampire?" The guys let go of Virginia. Wesley: "Yes - I am. I'm - Angel (pulls his glasses off and tosses them onto the counter) the vampire with a soul - fighting for my redemption with - with - with killing evil demons. That's right. Scourge of the demon world. (The guys exchange a quick look) don't worry, boys, I don't kill humans - unless I'm angry!" Virginia hurries to away from them to stand behind Wesley, and the first thug lifts his hands in a placating gesture. 1. Guy: "We're just doing what he told us." Wesley: "Who - Lanier? (Guy nods) Fine. You're going to leave now. Then you're gonna to tell Lanier (he reaches to adjust his missing glasses and the thugs back away a step) - forget about the girl. Now go!" They leave Wesley picks up his glasses and puts them back on. Wesley to Virginia: "We better get you back home. It's not safe here. - I think if we give them a next time, it could get a lot rougher." Angel and Magev are staff fighting on a covered bridge. Magev: "You're holding back. What are you afraid off?" Angel: "Nothing." Magev: "You're whimping. This isn't River Dance. Fight!" Angel: "I am fighting!" Magev: "Yourself. You're fighting yourself. Fight me! Why are you holding back? Why can't you let go?" Angel: "Because." Magev: "Why?" Angel over their locked staffs: "If I let it, it'll kill you." Magev: "It?" Angel disengages and steps back: "The demon." Magev: "Ha! But the demon is you!" Angel: "No." Magev: "Yes! That's the thing you spend so much energy trying to conceal!" Angel shakes his head: "No, I just - I can't let it control me." Magev nods: "Ah. I see. (Hits Angel's knee hard then hooks the staff behind his legs to drop him onto his back) You *don't* think it controls you?" Magev is talking on the phone holding an ice bag to the back of his head. Magev: "I don't know how long I can keep up this Yoda gag. Son-of-a-bitch is strong. Plus something we didn't think about - you know the guy can smell blood." Lanier: "What are you talking about?" Magev: "He's a vampire! It's only a matter of time before he sniffs out where I stashed the real Magev's body. I know you want me to keep him up here for the whole weekend, but..." Lanier: "Stop, stop, stop. Angel's there?" Magev: " Yeah he's here. He's right outside. He's brooding. He came up here right after he spoke to the Host, just like Ramone said he would. Why?" Lanier: "The vampire is with you? - Then who the hell is the English guy?" Cordy is looking at mug shots of criminals on her laptop, eyes the magazine lying beside it, finally picks it up and starts to flip through it. Cordy: "Celeb photos - celeb photos page 46." She comes across a photo of Bryce and Virginia with Benny standing behind them. Cordy: "It's him!" Wesley is walking Virginia back to her room. Wesley: "I hope you weren't too frightened." Virginia: "No, more angry, you know?" Wesley: "Well, they were trying to intimidate you." Virginia: "Not at them. At the whole thing, at the fact that I have to live like this." Wesley: "It's a bad situation." Virginia: "It's a bad situation? It's a waste of a life! I keep waiting for my life to start and it never does. There is just - more locks, and surveillance cameras and (turns down the hallway and sees two robed guards posted by her door) guards?! Okay, what is this now - bedroom guards? You go back and you tell my dad..." One of the robed figures grabs a hold of her. Wesley takes his glasses off: "Stop it!" The other stretches his hand, holding a sparkling fire, towards Wesley. Guard: "Let your flesh be weakened..." Wesley: "Pipe that down..." Wesley grabs a hold of the guys hand and folds it closed over the fire as he kicks him. Wesley: "...I've had it with your.." Slams the guard holding Virginia in the face, then tosses the first guy over his shoulder. As he stands there, breathing hard, the two guys scramble up and away. Virginia: "You were amazing." Wesley with a smile: "I was a bit." Virginia: "Your face - you don't go all (crinkles up her face) like a regular vampire." Wesley: "Ah. I suppose I'm not like a regular vampire." Angel and Magev are sitting at the lake, fishing. Angel: "Not a vampire at all, really. I mean, not any more. They brought her back as a human." Magev: "This Darla girl - why'd they do that?" Angel: "I don't know. But seeing her again... it's just..." Magev: "It started the inner struggle." Angel: "Yeah." Magev: "She's not even the one that did this to you." Angel: "No. It-it's still her, it's still Darla. It's - kinda hard to explain." Magev: "What hard? You're obsessed." Angel: "I guess I am, a little, yeah." Magev: "You blame her." Angel: "I suppose I do." Magev: "You want to punish her." Angel: "A bit..." Magev: "At the same time you want to thank her." Angel: "Thank her?" Magev: "For the gift she's given you." Angel: "Gift?" Magev: "You're deeply ambivalent." Angel: "Yeah, well, I am and I'm not." Magev: "You need to get over her. - Okay, what does she look like?" Angel: "She's beautiful. - Small, blonde..." Magev: "Right. So here's what you do. You go out and find yourself some small, blonde thing. You bed her, you love her, you treat her like crap, you break her heart. You and your inner demon will thank me, I promise." Angel: "Uhm..." Virginia is sitting on her bed. Wesley: "Are you alright? (Sits down beside her) I mean, two close calls like that..." Virginia: "I guess so. I don't know. Are we safe now?" Wesley: "I don't know." Virginia: "Sometimes I think about running away. Isn't that ridiculous, a 24 year old runaway?" Wesley: "We all want to escape our lives sometimes." Virginia: "I think about - getting my own place - a little apartment. A job, something - silly like - uhm, a perfume sprayer - or working at a tire store." They both laugh. Wesley: "A tire store?" Virginia: "I told you it was ridiculous." Wesley: "No, no. It sounds wonderful! Rotating tires and inflating - things... Your father would not allow it I'd imagine." Virginia: "Oh, no. It's too dangerous. He says they would grab me in a second and use me to get to him. - If you think about it, he's saying that if I moved out - it would kill him. - I'd be responsible." Wesley: "That's a huge burden to put on you." Virginia: "I just - (she leans her head onto his shoulder) I just want out." She looks up at him then leans in and lightly kisses him on the lips. Wesley: "Virginia..." The kiss again, just as lightly, but longer. Virginia while still kissing him: "I'm sorry - I know we can't." Wesley: "Yeah. - Why?" Virginia: "Well, you're a pretty famous guy, Angel. I hear the guards talk sometimes. I know." Wesley: "Know?" Virginia: "About the curse." Wesley: "Ah. - The curse." Laughs and shakes his head, not looking at her. Magev: "Curse?" Angel: "Yeah. I thought you knew." Magev: "Well, they don't tell me everything. So you really can't - at all?" Angel: "Well, that's part of what makes me special, right?" Magev: "Right. No, that's real special. - So, it's a s*x thing this curse?" Angel: "Well, no, not specifically." Magev: "Well, then, what specifically?" Wesley: "Perfect happiness. Yes, of course. Mustn't... (He leans in and kisses her) Mustn't - mustn't let oneself (Virginia pulls off his glasses) let oneself forget (she nibbles at his ear) diabolical consequences - I should... You know this whole curse thing has been *widely* misinterpreted." Virginia: "Really?" Wesley: "Oh, yes! Yes, it's less of a curse and more of a hex, actually (she continues to kiss him) Barely that (he kisses her back) a recommendation..." Virginia pulls back: "Are you - sure you're telling the truth?" Wesley: "Virginia, I wanna be honest with you. I wanna tell you everything. I'm not (She kisses him) actually... (the rest becomes muffled by her kisses)" Next day. Gunn's pickup pulls up beside Angel's car in front of the cabin, and Gunn gets out. Gunn: "Yo, yo! Anybody home?" Magev: "Morning traveler. Do you seek enlightenment?" Gunn: "I seek Angel. He with you?" Magev: "Well, he was until the sun came up, then... You see that pile of dust over there? (Laughs) I'm just joking! He's inside. Come on." Gunn as he walks towards the house: "Joking. Great. We got ourselves a funny zen master." Magev suddenly hits him hard on the head from behind, then across the chin, knocking him unconscious. As he bends down to pull the body away, Angel's voice comes from the shadowed porch. Angel: "Which lesson was that exactly?" Magev straightens up: "He was not your friend. I sensed danger..." Angel: "Where is the real T'ish Magev? Did you kill him? Did you put him in the lake?" Magev with a grin: "Something like that. But you know what? Somehow I'm not that worried about you right now, seeing as you can't get any closer. (Spreads his arms and laughs) Ah, wonderful sunshine! Wish you were here." As Magev turns his back on Angel with a laugh, Angel picks up a fishing rod and hooks the Magev then quickly reels him in hand over hand. Magev: "Ouch! Ow! What are you doing?" Angel, now in vamp face, grabs Magev by the front of his shirt and pulls him even closer. Angel: "Getting in touch with my inner demon." [SCENE_BREAK] Wesley's is lying in Bed next to Virginia, watching her sleep. Wesley, dressed, steps out of Virginia's room and looks down the hallway. He turns back to Virginia standing in the door and kisses her, then he turns away to quietly walks down the hall only to run into Cordelia. Cordy: "There you are! I found you!" Wesley: "Cordelia. How did you get in here?" Cordy: "Well, I told them that I worked for Angel and they sent me right in. You got everybody scared around here, I'll tell you that. It's like they don't even know you're a chimp. (Virginia comes up behind Wesley and Cordy holds out her hand) Oh. Hey, you're Virginia Bryce!" Virginia: "Who are you?" Wesley: "This is Cordelia Chase. She works for me. (Virginia nods at Cordy, who nods back) Virginia, I left my coat..." Virginia: "I'll get it." As soon as Virginia turns her back Cordy grabs a hold of Wesley's arm. Cordy: "Good move. Now let's scuttle our butts out of here." Wesley: "Cordelia, I'm not going with you." Cordy: "What? I'm rescuing you! Key ingredient? We leave!" Wesley: "I understand, but I have to stay. I have a job to do." Cordy: "What is wrong with you? You've got like delusions of Angel! You're not him. You can't do stuff on your own. (Sees Bryce and two robbed guards come up behind Wesley) Oh, crud. (Once they come close enough, she reaches out and shakes Bryce hand) Oh, hey, Mr. Bryce, I've seen your picture, (sees Benny behind Bryce) and I remember you from the armed abduction." Wesley: "I had Ms. Chase testing your defensive perimeter and I must say... Did you know your guards just let her in?" Bryce: "Because I told them to. I wanted my daughter to hear someone call you by your real name." Wesley: "Wait." Virginia steps up beside Wesley: "What's going on? What real name?" Bryce: "I got a call, from an anonymous friend with some information. This guy - isn't Angel." Benny grabs Wesley's shoulder and pulls him backwards towards a window. Wesley: "I am so Angel!" Cordy: "Yeah, yeah!" Wesley: "Oh, no, no, not the sun! For I am a vampire. Oh, oh oh! It burns! Oh." He cowers away from the sun, as Cordy makes a face and Virginia stares at him, finally gives up the pretense. Virginia: "You're not Angel." Wesley: "My name is Wesley Wyndham-Price." Virginia: "I talked to you. I trusted you. - You lied to me. - Come to think of it, you actually put my life in danger. I was walking around thinking I had vampire protection. - Here's the funny part: I finally thought I had a friend." She holds out Angel's coat to him, and after a moment's hesitation he takes it and watches her turn away and walk into her room. Cordy comes to stand beside Wesley: "Well - you kind of screwed her over, huh?" Bryce: "You're gonna get out of my house now, loser. Take the piece with you." One of the robed guards pushes them down the hall. Cordy: "The Piece? Was that supposed to be me? Get off me!" Benny: "You should have let me kill them. You're just gonna let them go?" Bryce grabs him and throws him up against the wall. Bryce: "Never tell me what to do. Never! You brought me the wrong guy. You risked the whole sacrifice, you understand? - But I'm not gonna kill you. Because I need you now, Benny. (Walks over to some ugly rock step sculpture) It's only a few hours until the sacrifice. You understand the need for security in this? This is the party of my life (picks up a manacle and chain attached to the rock) obviously Virginia's too." Cordy sits down next to Wesley on the lobby steps inside the Hyperion. Cordy: "Well, that was pretty humiliating, huh?" Angel comes in leading a dazed Gunn. Cordy gets up: "Angel, Gunn, what happened?" Angel: "He got hit." Cordy: "By who? The swami? Swamies don't hit. Swamies swam." Angel sees Wesley sitting on the steps: "Why is Wesley wearing my coat?" Gunn to Cordy: "That was a whole lot of swami." Wesley: "The T'ish Magev hit him?" Angel: "He was a fake. Someone must have found out that I was going up there. They hired this guy to get me out of the way. He took out the real Magev. Set up the whole thing." Wesley: "Did you find out who hired him?" Angel: "He wouldn't say. (Wesley gets up and starts to pace) That is my coat, right?" Wesley: "It has to be Paul Lanier. He thought that would keep Virginia unprotected. Then when his men couldn't take me out, he tipped off Bryce that I wasn't Angel. He hoped Bryce would get me out of the way." Angel: "What's going on? - Where you in Virginia?" Wesley: "That's beside the point." Cordy: "He was posing as you. Protecting a girl named Virginia. This guy Lanier is trying to kill her, or abduct her, or something." Wesley: "She's probably in danger right now. She's at the big party." Gunn: "What party?" Wesley: "Her father's birthday. Big wizard event, cake, ice cream, tributes to the goddess Yeska." Angel: "Yeska? Wait a minute, I know Yeska. She's no goddess." Cordy: "What do you mean?" Angel: "She's a Davric demon." Wesley: "Davric? They don't serve humans - well, unless the humans make a sacrifice." Gunn: "Sacrifice?" Wesley: "Davric demons eat live sacrifices, generally girls. They grant huge power to the person that offers a sacrifice on their 50 - oh, dear lord, on their 50's birthday. - Bryce is gonna sacrifice his own daughter." Cordy: "So why was Lanier trying to abduct her?" Angel: "Bryce is going to get a lot of power off that sacrifice." Wesley: "We have to go. Angel you take Gunn, go to the front of the house. Cordelia, we'll to to the back." As he is about to walk past Angel puts out a hand to stop him. Wesley: "Alright. You know this sort of thing best. How should we proceed?" Angel looks around, stands up: "Uhm, well, Gunn and I could - take the back?" Wesley walks on: "Very good. Lets go." Angel following: "Uh, Wesley, can I get my coat back?" Benny is trailing Virginia around her dad's party. She sees the stone sculpture, decorated with lit candles. Virginia: "What is this horrible thing? - I hope a girl isn't gonna jump out of it or something." Benny: "Not really." Bryce taps the side of his glass with a spoon to get everyone's attention. Bryce: "Thank you. I wanna thank all of you for being here on this special occasion. My feelings (chokes up) my feelings run almost too deep for words. But I'll try to do this, and do it right." Virginia: "What is he talking about?" Bryce lights a candle: "Yeska, of the razor eyes and stone heart, take this offering. I cast my most precious emerald into the ocean on the moment of my birth plus 50 years." Virginia: "Daddy, what are you doing? (Benny grabs her wrist and pulls her towards the sculpture) Daddy? Hey! Hey. Daddy stop them!" Bryce: "Take this gift..." Benny shackles Virginia with the attached chains. Virginia to Benny: "Stop - stop now!" Bryce: "Let her death return tenfold onto me my power." Virginia: "Make them stop!" Bryce: "Be a good girl now. This is hard enough already." Benny to Virginia: "He's really torn about it." Virginia to the party guests: "Help! Somebody help me!" Bryce comes to stand in front of her. Virginia: "Daddy?" But he only dips his thumb into a basin of water sitting on the sculpture and marks her forehead with it, before backing away again. Wesley, Cordy, Angel, who's wearing his coat again, and Gunn stride into the party room through the open double doors. Wesley: "Release her or die." Angel: "Don't I say that?" Bryce: "Guards!" The party goers scatter as Wesley gets knocked down by the firs charging guard. He gets back up and does about as well as Angel and Gunn against the guards. Cordy gets into the fray as well, knocking one of them over the head with a champagne bottle from behind, as he is trying to strangle Gunn. Wesley hurries towards Virginia, knocking Benny out along the way, and starts to unchain her while the others fight on. Wesley: "I'll get you out of here." Bryce cowering beside a table: "The hour approaches Yeska. Do not be blind to my plea. Yeska I beseech thee. (A wind starts to blow inside the room, distracting the fighters) Appear!" Yeska, and ugly gray skinned demoness with a blonde afro appears with a flicker of lightning in front of Virginia. Yeska with a grin: "The Sacrifice (Virginia stares at her wide eyed and Yeska's grin vanishes) is impure!" And with that Yeska vanishes herself the same way she appeared. Gunn: "What's going on?" Wesley to Virginia: "Let's go." Virginia: "Why did you come back?" Wesley: "I said I'd protect you." Virginia gives a short laugh and lets him help her up. Bryce: "She's impure? - She-she's not a virgin? (Starts towards Wesley) You..." Gunn: "Woah! That's what impure meant?" Cordy: "She slept with him?" Bryce: "You were supposed to be Angel. This wouldn't have happened. That's why I hired him. He's a eunuch." Cordy: "You slept with her." Angel: "Eunuch?" Wesley to Bryce: "Things happen. Two young people, danger..." Virginia: "What are you talking about?" Bryce: "She was a virgin before you got here." Virginia: "I was *not* a virgin!" Bryce: "What?" Wesley: "Oh, thank goodness." Gunn: "I could have told you she was no virgin." Angel: "I'm not a eunuch." Cordy: "One day as Angel, one day! - and he's getting some." Bryce: "What? How could you. I kept you away from all men!" Angel: "I mean, the curse isn't even all that clear. Virginia: "Daddy, you remember that chauffeur from when I was 16? And the one at 18? I haven't been a virgin for a *very* long time. - I even dated Rick." Bryce turns to look at one of the robed guards, who hurriedly and quietly makes his way from the room. Bryce: "Ginny, don't do this! Don't make me angry!" Virginia: "Right. Because then you might do something bad. - *You* were going to *kill* me! (She hauls back and hits her dad with a hard left, knocking him to the ground) You are not my father anymore." Cordelia smiles at her as Virginia walks out of the room. Angel to Bryce still on the floor: "I'm not a eunuch." Hyperion Hotel, day. Cordy comes into Angel's office holding out a magazine article to him. Cordy: "Look!" Angel takes it and reads: "Virginia Bryce squired by Mr. Wesley Wyndham-Price, private detective and bodyguard to the stars. -Hah. Squired - who says squired?" Cordy points at the picture: "Look at him all over her!" Angel: "Cordelia, you're just jealous that he's getting some attention." Cordy: "Damned skippy! He's getting famous off this! Reflected glory - that's my thing!" Angel: "Get a little perspective. (Cordy stalks out and Angel returns to reading the article) 'Bodyguard to the stars.' Yeah, right! - There is no Wyndham-Price Agency." FADE TO BLACK

Realizing his obsessions have climaxed, Angel embarks on a journey of enlightenment with the help of a swami. Cordelia is threatened by an assailant looking for Angel until Wesley steps in and assumes his boss' role. Wesley, as Angel, is tasked to protect a prominent businessman's daughter whose life is threatened. Everyone is shocked when Wesley makes a very personal connection to the client.

fd_Gilmore_Girls_03x18

fd_Gilmore_Girls_03x18_0

3.18 - Happy Birthday, Baby OPEN AT ELDER GILMORE RESIDENCE [Lorelai, Rory, and Emily are sitting at the dining room table] EMILY: Richard, please, we are starving! RICHARD: [calls from kitchen] I will be right there, Emily. EMILY: This is ridiculous. LORELAI: Mom, relax. EMILY: He woke up this morning and suddenly just had to have this dish that his grandmother would make him. LORELAI: Yeah, we all understand the cravings. RICHARD: [calls] It's a family secret. EMILY: Well, last time I checked, I was family. RORY: He's having fun, Grandma. EMILY: I saw an open can of cream of mushroom soup. Nothing good can come of that. [Richard walks in carrying a casserole dish] RICHARD: Here we are, a treat for the masses. RORY: Smells good. RICHARD: Oh, this is my favorite thing to eat as a boy. My gran used to make this for me whenever I was feeling a little sad. You know, if my cricket team lost or a girl I fancied turned up her nose at me. LORELAI: Well, then load me up because there was this really cute chick at the pharmacy today. I used my best material on her and nothing. EMILY: Richard, at least let Pina serve it. LORELAI: No comment on my lesbian hilarity. My, how far we've come. RICHARD: Pina will serve tiny, proper servings. Johnny Machete needs to be presented in a heap. RORY: Johnny Machete? EMILY: That's the name of this vile concoction. RORY: It's delicious. LORELAI: It's not bad. EMILY: It's twelve different colors. LORELAI: Come on, Mom, eat it. EMILY: It looks like someone already did. RICHARD: Emily. EMILY: I'm sorry. I'm happy you're happy, and to prove it, I will take exactly three bites of this before I throw it out. RICHARD: Thank you. EMILY: You're welcome. RICHARD: So, good food, good company. Now, let's move onto good conversation. Rory, what is new in your life? RORY: Well, funny you should mention it. . . LORELAI: Now? RORY: Why not? LORELAI: Okay. Mom, Dad, we have some really big news. RORY: I got my college acceptance letters back. LORELAI: Harvard, Princeton, and Yale. RORY: And after giving it a lot of thought, I have decided. I'm going to Yale. LORELAI: Did you hear that Yale! RORY: I'm going to Yale! LORELAI: That's where you went, Dad. RORY: You liked it, remember? EMILY: Pass the Johnny Machete, please. LORELAI: Pass the. . . RORY: I don't understand. I thought you wanted me to go to Yale. EMILY: No, we didn't. RICHARD: Absolutely not. EMILY: What gave you that idea? LORELAI: Mom, Dad, look, I know we've had our differences over where Rory should go to school, but that's behind us now. She's going to Yale, and that's good. Really good. RORY: Nothing but smiles. LORELAI: We're both very happy about it. RORY: Both. LORELAI: Her and me. RORY: She and I. LORELAI: Everybody in this room named Lorelai is over the moon about the going to Yale.' RORY: Which means that everybody else in this room not named Lorelai can be equally over the moon about the going to Yale.' RICHARD: I'm getting the champagne. EMILY: I'm calling the Talbotts. RICHARD: Oh, make sure you gloat over that dimwitted son of theirs who couldn't even get into Brown. EMILY: She's going to Yale! RICHARD: She's going to Yale! [they start to walk away, then both turn back to kiss Rory] RICHARD: When I get back, I'll teach you the fight song. [opening credits] CUT TO INDEPENDENCE INN [Lorelai is in the lobby talking with the construction worker] LORELAI: So? TOM: It looks burned. LORELAI: Thank you. How long to make it not looked burned? TOM: Uh, geez, maybe two LORELAI: Tom, let me help you out. The answer I'm looking for is ten days because that's when I have to get guests back in here again. TOM: Okay, ten days. LORELAI: Are you lying to me? TOM: What's the answer you're looking for there? LORELAI: Never mind, just go fast. TOM: Go fast, huh? Never heard that one before. [Sookie walks over] SOOKIE: Well, everything's fine in the kitchen. We just have to get the gas line reconnected. LORELAI: How long's that gonna take? SOOKIE: I don't know. The plumber's in there now looking at everything. [Michel walks over] MICHEL: We forgot to call the Rappaports and they showed up. LORELAI: Oh my God, what did you do? MICHEL: Well, luckily they are not too bright so I convinced them they got their days mixed up and I sent them home. LORELAI: You sent them home? You didn't even try to get them a room somewhere else? MICHEL: You're welcome. LORELAI: [to worker] Hey Laura, try to track down the Rappaports and see if you can get them into the Bunnyhop Inn. Thanks. [to Michel and Sookie] Okay, grab a seat and let's get the meeting started. [a man walks into the lobby] TOBIN: I'm here, I brought bagels. LORELAI: Oh, Tobin, great. I'm starving. TOBIN: Normally I wouldn't think of it, because what bagel stands a chance next to Sookie's magical muffins and scones? SOOKIE: Oh, Tobin, stop! TOBIN: Two full pants sizes, my friend, all because of you. MICHEL: What is he doing here? He is the night manager it's day. LORELAI: Michel, this is an emergency staff meeting, I need him here. MICHEL: I told you I cannot be in the same room with him. LORELAI: It's an hour out of your life, deal with it. TOBIN: Hold it. In case of soot. [spreads a handkerchief on the seat of Lorelai's chair] LORELAI: You're very sweet. TOBIN: Wait, wait. [wipes off the back of Lorelai's chair] Let's let the dry cleaners drum up their own business, huh? [Tobin starts to sit down] MICHEL: My chair! TOBIN: Oh, I'm sorry. [sits in another chair] [Michel sits down and scoots his chair close to Lorelai] LORELAI: Okay, so, should we get a room or what? MICHEL: Will you just start your meeting? LORELAI: All right. Here's the situation. TOBIN: Excuse me, Lorelai. LORELAI: Yeah? TOBIN: Michel, did you get a bagel? MICHEL: I don't want a bagel. TOBIN: Are you sure? They're Kosher. MICHEL: I don't eat bagels. Bagels are like glue in your intestines and ensure that everything that enters your body will remain there until you die. SOOKIE: Ew, shut up. LORELAI: Okay, let's focus. As you know, the fire pretty much wiped out the dining room and five of the upstairs rooms. [Tobin sighs] LORELAI: Tobin, are you okay? TOBIN: I'm sorry, I just. . .I just love this place so much. I've been the night manager here for five years and I've spent so much time walking these halls, listening for friendly ghosts flying around, playing MICHEL: Make a point, bagel boy. TOBIN: It just hurts me to see it wounded, that's all. LORELAI: Well, it won't be wounded forever. We will rebuild and we'll be back and better than ever. We just need to keep it going until then. So I need some ideas on what to do. TOBIN: You know, I was thinking. . .I'm sorry, may I? MICHEL: No. LORELAI: Go ahead. TOBIN: Well, if we could get a celebrity in here, that would generate a lot of publicity. LORELAI: Hm. But how could we get a celebrity in here? TOBIN: I know Tony Randall and Renee Estevez. I'd be happy to put in a call. MICHEL: Okay. Look, I hate to bring this up, especially since I mean, how do you top Renee Estevez? But we have a small number of rooms, yes? LORELAI: Yes. MICHEL: And the lobby's fine, and Sookie can make certain things at home muffins, baked goods, jams, et cetera. LORELAI: So? MICHEL: So that's breakfast, and we have beds, and if we add some free wine and cheese around five in the afternoon. . . LORELAI: Uh, no. We're not becoming a bed and breakfast. Who's next? MICHEL: You're being stubborn. LORELAI: Bed and breakfasts are cutesy and annoying. SOOKIE: It forces people to mingle. LORELAI: I do not support the mingling. MICHEL: Adding a little gimmick will be an incentive for people to keep their reservations. TOBIN: You know what, I hate to say it, not being a B&B man myself, but Michel is making sense. MICHEL: Get off my side immediately. LORELAI: All right, I'll consider it. MICHEL: Sure, if he says it, you will consider it. [Tom walks over] TOM: I gotta show you something. LORELAI: Is it bad? TOM: No, it's great. You're gonna be thrilled, really. Warm up, cartwheels are coming. LORELAI: Keep talking. Be right back. [Lorelai starts following Tom. Tobin walks up to her] TOBIN: Excuse me, Lorelai? Listen, I know you're crazed right now, but I also remembered that your birthday is coming up on Friday, and well, I got you a little something. LORELAI: Oh, you didn't have to do that. TOBIN: It's very small. LORELAI: Tobin, I love candles. TOBIN: And it's scented, cappuccino. LORELAI: God, that smells great. TOBIN: I'm really glad you like it. LORELAI: I do, thanks. TOBIN: And listen, I'm the night manager here and I'm very proud to be the night manager, but with everything so wacky crazy around here right now, if you need some extra help during the day, please call me. LORELAI: I may take you up on that offer, Tobin. Thanks. [Lorelai walks away. Michel and Tobin share a look] CUT TO LORELAI'S HOUSE [Lorelai and Rory walk down the stairs into the living room] LORELAI: Stairs squeak. RORY: Stairs squeak. LORELAI: There's a chip on the banister. RORY: Chip on the banister. LORELAI: The paint's chipped in the archway, and there's a board loose in the entryway. Ooh, and the chimney needs to be swept. RORY: Mom. LORELAI: What? RORY: Luke cannot sweep our chimney. LORELAI: Why not? RORY: Because you need to be a chimney sweep to sweep a chimney. LORELAI: Please. If Dick van Dyke can do it, so can Luke. RORY: Luke is going to be very sorry he ever made this offer to you. LORELAI: Hey, Luke has given me five free hours of handyman work for my birthday for the last five years. RORY: And you have grossly exploited that gift every year for the past four years. LORELAI: Well, I need to make up for that first year where I didn't milk it like I should've. RORY: The spirit of giving is completely lost on you. LORELAI: But the spirit of getting is alive and well and it wants its chimney swept. Ooh, put down laundry, too. RORY: Fine, then can he also build me another bookshelf? LORELAI: I've never been prouder of you than I am right at this moment. [the phone rings] RORY: And tell him to paint little flowers on it. LORELAI: Cause he's so good with the florals. [Lorelai walks toward the kitchen as Rory answers the phone] RORY: Hello? PARIS: I finished the paper on Dickinson, the Physics test was for a third grader, and I picked the history of the Egyptian political process as my International History project. RORY: You've been very busy. PARIS: I've been very bored. RORY: When are you coming back to school? PARIS: My parents return tomorrow. I think my mom's bringing home a new face. RORY: Really? PARIS: There's a doctor in France who injects some kind of gel into your head and then molds it to give you better cheekbones. RORY: You are kidding me. PARIS: She has to sleep on her back for a month, otherwise her face will flatten like a crepe. RORY: Oh my God, it's Brazil. PARIS: Anyway, I'll probably have to go back to school when they get home, so. . . RORY: It will be fine. PARIS: Are people still talking about my meltdown speech? RORY: No. PARIS: Great. RORY: Who cares what they're saying, Paris? PARIS: Just give me more homework, it will keep my mind off my life. RORY: There is no more homework. In fact, I think you've almost finished your first year of college. PARIS: Well, I just can't sit here thinking. I'll go crazy. RORY: Why don't you go out and do something fun? PARIS: Like what? RORY: I don't know, but it's your last day of freedom. Go be wild. Go crazy. Don't think, just do. PARIS: Do what? RORY: You're thinking. PARIS: But RORY: Still thinking. PARIS: What if RORY: Paris, don't think. PARIS: Okay, I won't think. RORY: I'll see you tomorrow. [hangs up and walks to the kitchen] LORELAI: Hey, do you think Luke can knock this wall out and build us a bigger kitchen in five hours? RORY: You'll have to drop the laundry. LORELAI: Never mind. Oh my God, I'm exhausted. RORY: Are you too exhausted to talk about birthday week? LORELAI: I'm never too tired to talk about birthday week. RORY: Okay, so, Monday I thought we'd start with facials at Sloopy's after school. LORELAI: Mudpack Monday, I love it. RORY: Then we'll have double feature Tuesday, Sephora Wednesday, complimentary makeover Thursday, and then, big fat fabulous Friday. LORELAI: D-day! RORY: BD-day! LORELAI: Culminating in the fabulous blowout of a party you're planning. RORY: Oh, I'm sorry, you wanted a party? I told everyone you didn't wanna make a big deal out of your birthday this year. LORELAI: You're not funny. RORY: Miss Patty and Babette wanted to hire these two hot guys to carry you around all day and feed you Bon-Bons, and Kirk wanted to hire the Red Hot Chili Peppers to play a concert in the square, but I said, Hey, please respect the lady's wishes. She deserves that at her age. LORELAI: Why are you so cruel to Mama? RORY: I have to go. LORELAI: Where? RORY: None of your business. LORELAI: You are planning something for Friday night, aren't you? RORY: I'll bring back Chinese for dinner. LORELAI: And you tell people no matter what they say, I just couldn't accept a new car. It would be beneath me and I'd be completely humiliated. And a convertible would just make me fling myself off a building. [the phone rings] RORY: Bye. LORELAI: Bye. [Rory leaves] LORELAI: [answers phone] Hello? KAREN: Lorelai Gilmore? LORELAI: You got her. KAREN: I'm calling from Richard Gilmore's office. LORELAI: Never heard of him. KAREN: Richard Gilmore, your father. LORELAI: Oh, tall, bow tie? KAREN: Yes. LORELAI: Yes, I'm with you now, go ahead. KAREN: Okay. Well, he'd like to set up an appointment to meet you for coffee. Would tomorrow work for you? Two o'clock? LORELAI: Well RICHARD: Make it three, Karen. I have that conference call at two. LORELAI: Is that my father? KAREN: Excuse me? LORELAI: Put him on the phone, please. KAREN: But LORELAI: Hand it over, honey. KAREN: I - LORELAI: Come on, let's go, chop chop. RICHARD: What are you doing? KAREN: She wants to talk to you. RICHARD: Just tell her I'll meet her tomorrow. KAREN: I tried, it didn't work. RICHARD: But I pay you to make my appointments. LORELAI: Dad! RICHARD: Lorelai, hello. LORELAI: Are you telling me that you were sitting right next to this woman while she called me? RICHARD: She is my secretary, Lorelai. LORELAI: You were sitting right there? RICHARD: This is the way a proper business is conducted. LORELAI: Two feet from the phone? RICHARD: I'm not going to argue with you. Are you available tomorrow or not? LORELAI: What is this Dad? RICHARD: I have something I need to discuss with you. LORELAI: Well, discuss it now. RICHARD: I don't have the time now. LORELAI: Well, put Mrs. Huh-wiggins on the phone. Have her tell me. RICHARD: Please, Lorelai, can you meet me tomorrow at three o'clock or not? LORELAI: Fine, where? RICHARD: I will have Karen call you tomorrow to confirm it and tell you the place. LORELAI: Why can't you just tell me now? RICHARD: Leave me just a semblance of my structure, please. LORELAI: Fine. I'll talk to the woman sitting right next to you tomorrow. CUT TO WESTON'S BAKERY [Rory is at the counter placing an order] FRAN: So, that's a four foot chocolate cake with individual vanilla cupcakes on top spelling out Happy 16th Birthday Lorelai ? RORY: That's right. FRAN: Would you like butter cream or whipped cream frosting on that? RORY: Can you do both? FRAN: That's a lot of frosting. RORY: I know, but it's my mom's favorite part. Once we tried to make a cake entirely out of frosting, which turned out to be better in theory than in actual execution. FRAN: Well, both frostings it is then. What time do you want to pick it up? RORY: Miss Patty will pick it up around five. FRAN: All right, you're all set. RORY: Thanks, Fran. [Lane walks in] LANE: We have a glitch. RORY: What? LANE: Well, apparently, the world's largest pizza was 122 feet, 8 inches. RORY: What? LANE: It says it right there. RORY: Well, obviously we can't do that. LANE: Obviously. RORY: So, then, we'll have to make it the largest pizza in Connecticut. LANE: Actually, Litchfield made one last year that was 98 feet. RORY: Pete said the biggest they could do was a twelve footer. LANE: Maybe you could make her the world's biggest something else. RORY: Like what? LANE: I don't know. Taco? RORY: I think the world's biggest taco would be a little difficult to serve, don't you? LANE: Well, it would definitely be more of a commitment. RORY: We'll just have to tell her it's the world's biggest pizza. LANE: Lie to her on her birthday? RORY: It's for her own good. So, how's the music selection coming? LANE: Good. I've decided to choose one song from each year in Lorelai's life. I'm almost done, though I've hit a snag in 1974. RORY: Bad year? LANE: It's making the year of the Macarena look inspired. [Rory and Lane come out of the bakery and start walking down the street] RORY: Hey, can you stash this at your house til the party? It's just favors and stuff. [hands Lane some shopping bags] LANE: Ironic, isn't it? You having to hide things at my house for a change. RORY: Life has come full circle. [they run into Jess walking out of the video store] JESS: Hey. RORY: Hey. JESS: I got the video for tonight. RORY: What'd you get? JESS: Almost Famous. RORY: No, not again. JESS: I can't help it, I'm addicted. RORY: Fine, but if I'm going to spend two hours sitting there watching Kate Hudson commit suicide again, then we are ordering Indian food. JESS: Oh, come on. RORY: Hey, last night when we watched Ed Wood we got burgers like you wanted to. JESS: Okay, fine tonight, Indian food, but tomorrow, Saturday Night Fever and Thai food. LANE: That's so cute. You're like a really sweet old agoraphobic couple. JESS: Thank you very much. LANE: Okay, I've gotta go. Bye. RORY: Bye. [Lane leaves. Rory and Jess walk down the street] JESS: So, it's been a couple days since you made the big decision. You still going to Yale? RORY: Yes, I am. It's got all the classes I want and some really great teachers, and plus, you know, as an added bonus, it's really close to here. JESS: 22.8 miles. RORY: How'd you know that? JESS: Do you Yahoo? RORY: You looked it up? JESS: Yeah. RORY: You looked it up. JESS: I just hit a couple buttons on the computer. RORY: You looked it up. JESS: I was bored. There was nothing on TV and I was fooling around, it was something to do, that's it. RORY: You looked it up. CUT TO LUKE'S DINER [Taylor and Nicole are sitting at a table going over some paperwork] TAYLOR: I'd like the wording to be a little harsher. NICOLE: Taylor, it already says that if Aunt Tilly's Taffy delivers even two hours late, they forfeit all payment for that particular shipment and are liable for any loss of income that may result from that late delivery. It's pretty extreme. TAYLOR: Well, it may seem extreme, but these candy people are shifty characters. NICOLE: Why don't we leave the wording like it is for now and see how things go? We can always get tougher later if necessary. LUKE: Yeah, you can send over a couple of Oompa Loompas to kick the crap out of Aunt Tilly. TAYLOR: Are you still dating him? NICOLE: Yes, I am. TAYLOR: Why? NICOLE: Oh, Taylor. TAYLOR: I mean, if you're lonely, I have a nephew I would love to introduce to you. He just got back from a three-year stint in a biosphere in Arizona. Can I give him your number? LUKE: No. TAYLOR: I'm not talking to you. LUKE: It's my lucky day. Is he done? TAYLOR: All right, fine. We'll leave it your way and see how it works out. [leaves] LUKE: So, listen, after I dispose of Taylor's body, are we hitting a movie tonight? NICOLE: Yeah, we are. LUKE: Okay. NICOLE: Uh, Luke, could you sit for a second, please? LUKE: I could. NICOLE: Could you do it soon? LUKE: Okay, listen, if I sit down, are we gonna have the conversation? NICOLE: The conversation? LUKE: Yeah, you know, the conversation. NICOLE: Luke, please. LUKE: Here comes the conversation. NICOLE: My parents are coming into town and I am going to have lunch with them and I thought maybe you'd like to join me. LUKE: Join you? NICOLE: What do you say? LUKE: It's not that I don't wanna meet your parents, it's just that I haven't met any parents for a long time. NICOLE: Well, you don't have to. I'm just giving you the option. JESS: Jeez, man, just meet her parents already. LUKE: Do you mind? JESS: So what if they hate you? You've been there before. NICOLE: You know what, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to put you on the spot. LUKE: I'm not on the spot. Really, I'm completely off the spot. I'm spotless. Uh, what time's the lunch? NICOLE: Two o'clock on Thursday. LUKE: Two o'clock on Thursday. Okay, two o'clock on Thursday, I'll be there. NICOLE: That's great. So I'll see you tonight? LUKE: I'll see you tonight. [Nicole leaves] JESS: I have to go. LUKE: Where? JESS: School. LUKE: Oh, school, okay. Well, have a good day. . .at school. JESS: I will. [Jess leaves. Luke walks outside and watches him. Jess walks toward the school, then jogs to his car and drives off] CUT TO CHILTON CLASSROOM [Students are talking as they wait for class to start] MADELINE: Mills College. LOUISE: Isn't that the one where all those girls with bad hair cried because they were gonna let boys in? MADELINE: Yes. LOUISE: And why are you going there? MADELINE: It's the one that took me. LOUISE: But why'd you apply? MADELINE: I needed a fallback option. LOUISE: Well, fall back, baby, right into some big mama's loving arms. MADELINE: Ooh, how depressing. Let's talk about you, did you decide? LOUISE: Last night. MADELINE: Brandeis? LOUISE: Tulane. MADELINE: The Big Easy. LOUISE: Enough said. [Paris walks in with a bandage on her nose] RORY: Oh, Paris, hi, you're back. I. . .oh my God. What happened to your nose? MADELINE: You had it done. LOUISE: Finally. PARIS: I did not have it done. RORY: Did you fall? PARIS: No, I didn't fall. I had it pierced. MADELINE: You what? LOUISE: Oh my God. RORY: Why would you do that? PARIS: Because you told me to go out and do something crazy. RORY: Yes, but I meant have some ice cream, go see three movies, buy a new purse. I didn't mean go poke a third hold in your nose. PARIS: Well, I didn't buy a new purse, I pierced my nose. And within an hour of having it done, my nose swelled up to four times its normal size, blocking all nasal passage, making it impossible to breathe. I went to the emergency room, where they pried the thing out of my nose and shot me up with antibiotics. I spent the night with an ice pack strapped to my face. RORY: Oh, Paris. PARIS: It seems that I was allergic to the crap metal hoop that I paid $19.95 to have jammed into my nose. LOUISE: Did you take a picture? PARIS: No, Louise, I did not take a picture. I was a little busy trying to get air to my brain cells, a burden you've not yet faced. RORY: Paris, I'm so sorry. I . . [cell phone rings]. . .I didn't. . . [answers phone] Hello? PETE: Rorino, good, I caught ya. Okay, there's a bit of a design flaw in the pizza here. RORY: What kind of design flaw? PETE: I'm a little concerned that the crust is not gonna be able to support all the toppings we talked about. We might need to put in a second crust. RORY: A second crust? PETE: About three-quarters of the way in, sort of like a retaining wall. RORY: What about just making the crust thicker? PETE: Okay, we're brainstorming, I got it. A thicker crust, a thicker crust, that might do it. Uh, let me noodle around with that for awhile and get back to you. RORY: Okay. Bye Pete. [hangs up] PARIS: [to boy] I will not let you look at my nose for ten dollars, you sick job. Beat it, now! Come back when you have a twenty. [to Rory] What? Just making lemonade here. CUT TO LORELAI'S HOUSE [There's a knock at the back door.] LORELAI: I'm coming! [Lorelai walks to the kitchen, where she finds the table decorated with cookies spelling out Happy Birthday Lorelai'.] LORELAI: Aw! [there's another knock] Coming. [She answers the door, Luke walks in with his toolbox] LORELAI: Hiya. LUKE: Your slave is here. LORELAI: And where's the French maid outfit I requested? LUKE: I've got it on under the plaid. LORELAI: So what else is new? LUKE: So, how does it feel to be a year older? LORELAI: Uh, I'm not a year older until Friday, Fifi. [Lorelai eats a cookie from the table.] LUKE: What the hell is this? LORELAI: My birthday Mallomars. LUKE: She says like I should just know this. LORELAI: Here's your list. [hands him a notepad] LUKE: What's wrong with the garbage disposal? LORELAI: It's not disposing. [Luke reaches into the sink and pulls out a spoon] LUKE: Next. LORELAI: You're so good! [Lorelai pulls a box of Mallomars out of the cupboard] LUKE: Did you ever consider the possibility of just pulling the spoon out yourself? LORELAI: I did consider it, yes. Do you wanna start upstairs or down? Cause there's actually more to do upstairs this time for some reason. [Lorelai takes a Mallomar out of the box and puts it on the table] LUKE: What'd you just do? LORELAI: What? LUKE: You put the cookie down. LORELAI: Yeah. LUKE: You ate the cookie, and then you took a cookie out of the box and put it where the cookie you just ate was. LORELAI: Yeah. LUKE: Well, that's nuts. LORELAI: Rory made this for me, I don't wanna ruin it. LUKE: Then why'd you eat the cookie? LORELAI: Cause I wanted a Mallomar. LUKE: But why didn't you just eat one out of the box? LORELAI: Cause this one was right here. The box was all the way in the cupboard. LUKE: But you had to go to the cupboard to get the box to replace the cookie you ate off the table. LORELAI: So? LUKE: Looking at the list now. Okay, stairs, gutters, da-duh-da-duh-da, electrical outlet. Which one? LORELAI: In the bathroom. LUKE: By the sink or by the bathtub? LORELAI: Bathtub. LUKE: Okay. So, I can do most of this list today, but, uh, I can't put up the towel rack until later. I didn't bring my drill. LORELAI: Heh LUKE: Dirty, yes, I know. LORELAI: Um, that's okay, I'll be here tomorrow afternoon if you wanna come by then. LUKE: I can't tomorrow, I'm having lunch with Nicole's parents. LORELAI: Really? LUKE: They're coming into town. LORELAI: Okay. LUKE: So Nicole thought I should meet them. LORELAI: Makes sense. LUKE: Yeah, well, you know, we've been seeing each other fairly regular now, so. . .makes sense. LORELAI: Yeah, I think it's great. LUKE: Yeah, I do, too. I should get started upstairs. By the way. . . LORELAI: What? LUKE: You were right about Jess. LORELAI: What about Jess? LUKE: He's not going to school. LORELAI: Are you sure? LUKE: Yup. I watched him head right toward the school and when he thought no one was watching him, he got in his car and drove off. So I got in my truck and followed him. LORELAI: Where? LUKE: To Wal-Mart. LORELAI: Oh. LUKE: He's been lying to me this whole time. LORELAI: What are you gonna do? LUKE: I'm gonna tell him that I know what he's been doing, remind him that we had an agreement, that he's supposed to go to school, that he's supposed to graduate from school, and then. . .I'm gonna tell him I know what he's been doing. LORELAI: I'm sorry, Luke. LUKE: Yeah, well. I'm gonna be upstairs. LORELAI: Okay. Call if you need anything. CUT TO OUTSIDE THE MARKET [Rory wheels a cart full of soda cases out of the market. Jackson walks up to her.] JACKSON: Rory! RORY: Hey, Jackson. Listen, could you JACKSON: What do you think you're doing? RORY: Oh, well, I'm trying to transport all the sodas for the party in one trip, which seemed a little silly when I first come up with the idea and it's rapidly growing in its stupidity. JACKSON: You know, I never took you for being thoughtless, but I guess I was wrong. RORY: What are you talking about? I got the sugarless Red Bull just like you like. JACKSON: You really hurt Sookie, you know that? RORY: Why, what did I do? JACKSON: What did you do, what did you do? Hm, let me see, what did you do? RORY: Uh, Jackson, if you could stop moving around, it'd be a lot easier. JACKSON: You know, I just heard you're making the world's largest pizza for Lorelai's birthday party, is that true? RORY: Yes. JACKSON: And it doesn't occur to you to consult Sookie? RORY: Oh. Oh no. JACKSON: The woman is a gourmet chef and Lorelai's best friend in the world, and you don't include her in this? RORY: But Sookie's an artist pizzas didn't really seem to be her thing. JACKSON: Everything's her thing, young lady. RORY: Jackson, I swear, I would never purposely hurt Sookie. Besides, it's not the world's largest pizza. It's not even the tri-county area's largest pizza. JACKSON: I have a sobbing pregnant woman at home, which is not unusual, except this time I didn't cause it! RORY: I'm so, so sorry. JACKSON: And by the way, there wouldn't happen to be vegetables on that pizza, would there? RORY: Well. . . JACKSON: Because I don't know if you got the memo or not, but I happen to be a produce man. RORY: And a darn good one at that. JACKSON: Yet, I don't remember a call asking me to handle the vegetables. Was there a call? Did I just miss it? Was I out? RORY: Well, you see, the veggies were included in the price, so it just. . . JACKSON: Hm. [storms off] RORY: Jackson, I'm sorry! JACKSON: I hope you and your world's largest pizza will be very happy together! RORY: It's not the largest pizza in the world! We may beat Woodbridge, but that's it, I swear! [SCENE_BREAK] CUT TO RESTAURANT [Lorelai is sitting at a table. Richard walks in and sits down with her] RICHARD: Sorry, sorry, sorry. LORELAI: Everything okay? RICHARD: Oh, yes. I just had a few calls to make that took up a bit more time than I had anticipated. Have you been here long? LORELAI: Twenty minutes and two pieces of pie. RICHARD: Amazing. Well, then, let's get right down to it, shall we? [a waitress walks over] WAITRESS: Can I get you something to drink? RICHARD: Uh, iced tea, please. WAITRESS: Another cup of coffee, Lorelai? LORELAI: Thanks, Sarie. [the waitress leaves] RICHARD: So, Lorelai. LORELAI: So, Dad. RICHARD: I appreciate you taking the time out to meet me like this. LORELAI: And I appreciate you actually showing up and not sending your secretary. RICHARD: I assume you're wondering why I asked you here. LORELAI: Not at all. RICHARD: Well, I have something for you. [places an envelope on the table] LORELAI: Is it a hat? RICHARD: No. LORELAI: Is it a purse? RICHARD: No. LORELAI: Horse? RICHARD: Lorelai. LORELAI: George Foreman Grill? RICHARD: When you were born, I decided to celebrate, so as soon as your mother went to sleep, I left the hospital, I called my business manager and I made a real estate investment. LORELAI: You do know how to party, don't you? RICHARD: I made this investment in your name. LORELAI: Wow, most people just buy a stuffed bear. This is better. RICHARD: I thought so. Anyhow, a little while ago, I got a letter from a lawyer who is representing the investment group informing me that the government is building a road right through the middle of your investment. LORELAI: Sad. RICHARD: Which means that the complex has been sold and all the investors will be receiving a check. LORELAI: Happy. RICHARD: Since you are one of the investors. . . LORELAI: I get a check? RICHARD: You get a check. LORELAI: Wow! That's. . .[opens the envelope] Seventy-five thousand dollars? RICHARD: Yes, it is. LORELAI: I get seventy-five thousand dollars for being born? RICHARD: I thought it would be a pleasant surprise. LORELAI: This is seventy-five thousand dollars. Seventy-five. . .do you have a pen? RICHARD: Why, yes, I do. LORELAI: Seventy-five thousand dollars. Seventy-five thousand dollars. Oh my God, that's like 150 pairs of Jimmy Choos. RICHARD: What are Jimmy Choos? LORELAI: Shoes. RICHARD: 150 pairs, that's it? LORELAI: Dad, they're Jimmy Choos. RICHARD: For seventy-five thousand dollars, you should be able to buy at least three or four hundred pairs of shoes. LORELAI: Not Jimmy Choos. RICHARD: But that's ridiculous. You are not going to spend seventy-five thousand dollars on Jimmy Choos when you could buy four hundred pairs of less prestigious but I'm sure equally stylish shoes. You will shop around first. Is that clear? LORELAI: Yes, sir. RICHARD: All right, then. It's settled. LORELAI: Listen, Dad, this money isn't, um. . . RICHARD: Isn't what? LORELAI: It isn't some kind of gift, is it? RICHARD: Gift? LORELAI: Like a birthday gift. Because if it is, it's too much and I can't RICHARD: This isn't a gift. I made this investment in your name. You received a check, that's the way these things work. Legally, I'm obligated to give you that. This isn't charity or generosity, it is the law. LORELAI: It's the law that I get to keep seventy-five thousand dollars. RICHARD: Enjoy the shoes. CUT TO LORELAI'S HOUSE [Lorelai and Rory are sitting on the floor by the coffee table] LORELAI: We could buy a boat. RORY: We could, but why? LORELAI: Because rich people always have a boat. RORY: We could park it in the front yard. LORELAI: Yeah, like white trash rich people. RORY: God, this is amazing. No more clipping coupons. LORELAI: No more picking loose change up from the ground. No more driving around looking for cheap gas. RORY: Which totally defeats the purpose since you wind up using more gas looking for the cheap gas. LORELAI: Seventy-five thousand dollars. I feel so rich. And suddenly in complete agreement with everything Bush has to say. [the phone rings] LORELAI: I'll get it. RORY: No! LORELAI: Ah, more secret birthday calls. RORY: Not everything is about you. It could be Jess. LORELAI: It's about me. RORY: It could be Lane. LORELAI: It's about me. RORY: It could be Paris, it could be Madeline, it could be Louise, it could be a myriad of other people wanting only to talk to me about me. LORELAI: It's about me. [Rory takes the phone to her room] RORY: Hello? PETE: Rory, we got a big problemo. RORY: What's the matter, Pete? PETE: We did a trial run of the pizza. You know, just wanna make sure everything was right there for the big day, you know. RORY: I appreciate that. PETE: So we made a trial pizza, and Kirk built a pizza rack on top of his car, you with me? RORY: Like a bad habit, Pete. PETE: So as Kirk's putting the pizza on the rack, the thing collapses, the pizza slips, long story short Kirk has got some severe cheese burns. RORY: Oh my God, is he all right? KIRK: Ow. PETE: Who knows? The point is. . . KIRK: Oh. PETE: I think the pizza needs to be cheeseless. RORY: What? PETE: And possibly sauceless. RORY: Pete. PETE: The thing's a hazard, babe. RORY: Pete, did it ever occur to you that the problem may not be the pizza, it may be Kirk? PETE: Did not occur to me. RORY: Well, it should have. PETE: Okay. RORY: The pizza has to have cheese and sauce, otherwise, it's not a pizza. It's bread. PETE: Okay, look, if you're gonna insist on the cheese and the sauce, you're gonna have to provide the transportation yourself. RORY: Fine, Pete, I will figure something out. PETE: Roger wilco, senorita. [They hang up. Lorelai opens Rory's bedroom door] LORELAI: Who was it? RORY: Astrid from school. She's leaving for Europe for a week and she wants me to take notes and email her everything. She's afraid she's gonna fall behind. LORELAI: It was about me. CUT TO LUKE'S APARTMENT [Luke is sitting at the table when Jess walks in] JESS: Hey. LUKE: Hey. You're home late. JESS: Traffic. LUKE: Traffic, right, okay. So, you hungry? JESS: I'm meeting Rory. LUKE: Want me to make you guys some sandwiches? JESS: So we can brown bag it on our date? I don't think so. LUKE: Just offering. How was work? JESS: The cleaned-up version of The Eminem Show seems to be selling pretty well, so the world is basically coming to an end. LUKE: So listen, I, um, wanna talk to you about something. JESS: Talk. LUKE: Could you stop grooming for just a second please? JESS: I'm already late. LUKE: Look, I was doing some thinking about your situation. JESS: My situation? LUKE: Yeah, you know, you're working here, you're working at Wal-Mart, you're dating Rory, going to school. It just seems like a lot. You ever worry that if a bird flies into your head it might never get out again? JESS: I've got everything under control. LUKE: Yeah, I'm sure you do. I just thought maybe I could make things a little easier. JESS: How? LUKE: Well, I could, uh, give you a raise at the diner. JESS: A raise? LUKE: Yeah. And maybe help out with some of the, you know, bigger money burdens, like your car insurance. JESS: Why would you wanna do that? LUKE: So you can quit your job at Wal-Mart. JESS: No way. LUKE: But you'd still be making money, and this way, you'd get to spend more time on Rory and school. JESS: I'm fine. LUKE: Jess, come on. JESS: No. LUKE: Jess, just take the deal. JESS: I have to change. LUKE: I know you're not going to school. JESS: What? LUKE: I saw you get in your car and drive off. JESS: You spying on me? LUKE: You lied to me! JESS: Once in awhile I take an extra shift, it's nothing. LUKE: You have to go to school, Jess. JESS: I go enough. LUKE: What does that mean? JESS: It means I go enough. It's public school. My history teacher is also the football coach, get the picture? LUKE: Jess, we had a deal. You go to school, you graduate. JESS: I know. Relax. I got it all under control. I have to change. LUKE: Jess. CUT TO INDEPENDENCE INN [Lorelai is on the phone at the front desk] LORELAI: That's right, breakfast is included. Then at five, we invite all the guests to the lobby for complimentary wine and cheese and mingling. . . Yes, it is kind of like a B&B. . . Okay, great. We'll see you and Sweetie then. Bye. [She hangs up, then walks over to a table where Tobin is standing with some staffers] TOBIN: Any thoughts? So, as you know, we have to get this place up and running as quickly as possible for as little money as possible. So last night I pulled out the old Time Life series, and I have to admit, there's some pretty terrific ideas in here. For example, we can putty up the cracks in the drywall and then give the lower part of the wall a good coat of paint. Then we can take a strip of wallpaper, put it around the top, thus creating sort of a border, if you will. Also, I gathered up all the broken China from the dining room because I read here in Martha that chipped teacups make great votive holders, and we all know, when in doubt, it's candles, candles, candles, right? So I cleaned them up, filled them with tealights, and I think they look terrific. Oh, the pieces that were too far gone to save, I just smashed them up and used the pieces to make this nice picture frame. LORELAI: Ah, that's a great idea, Tobin, really. MICHEL: Uh, Lorelai. I have a little something for you. LORELAI: For me? MICHEL: Yes. I wasn't sure it would get here in time since I ordered it from Madrid, but thank God it made it. Happy birthday. [hands her a gift bag] LORELAI: You bought me a present? MICHEL: Yes. LORELAI: You've never bought me a present. MICHEL: I have, too. LORELAI: Not once in the five years I've known you have you ever MICHEL: Just open up the bag, please. [Lorelai pulls a journal out of the bag] LORELAI: Oh, Michel, it's beautiful. MICHEL: Yes, well, I wanted it to be special, you know. Not just some knick- knack you could pick up at the supermarket or the car wash. LORELAI: Well, it's great. I love it. I must say, I feel very spoiled. A beautiful day book, cappuccino candle. TOBIN: Oh, that reminds me, I got you something else. [walks over to the front desk] LORELAI: What? Tobin, you already gave me a gift. TOBIN: No, that was a pre-gift. MICHEL: A what? TOBIN: Hold on. [to Michel] Why don't you scooch just a little bit for me? [Tobin retrieves a bag from behind the desk, then hands it to Lorelai] LORELAI: Tobin, this is too much. TOBIN: Yes, it is, but I saw it and it just screamed Lorelai. LORELAI: Okay, well. . .God, this is exciting. I love my birthday. TOBIN: I hope it fits. MICHEL: Fits? [Lorelai pulls a leather jacket out of the bag] LORELAI: Tobin, it's amazing. TOBIN: That is the jacket that Joe Strummer wore during the 1979 Pearl Harbor tour. LORELAI: No. TOBIN: Yes. MICHEL: Who is Joe Strummer? LORELAI: Tell me you're kidding. MICHEL: Who is Joe Strummer? LORELAI: You did not get me this. MICHEL: Is he a Hell's Angel man? TOBIN: Joe Strummer is from The Clash. LORELAI: The Clash is a band. TOBIN: And a band is a MICHEL: I know what a band is. LORELAI: He just died, and Rory and Lane have been in mourning for months, and now I have his jacket. And, oh my God, this is by far the coolest thing I have ever gotten. God. Oh, smell it, it smells like Joe. MICHEL: Well, this is wonderful, to smell like a dead guy. You'll have to beat them off with a stick. TOBIN: And there's a letter of authenticity in the bag, and a picture of Joe wearing the jacket, and also, they threw in a beret just for the heck of it. LORELAI: Tobin, you are getting a hug! TOBIN: Well, I'd fight it, but what's the point, right? MICHEL: I have to run an errand. LORELAI: Why, where you going? MICHEL: Just be here when I get back. LORELAI: Oh, I just love this jacket. CUT TO LEAHY RESIDENCE [Luke and Nicole are sitting across from Nicole's parents in the living room] MR. LEAHY: Nicole, you're being NICOLE: I am not being stubborn. MR. LEAHY: You didn't let me get the stubborn out. MRS. LEAHY: Luke, would you like a blini? LUKE: No, thank you. MR. LEAHY: When you sign up to become a surrogate mother, you enter into a business agreement, and the rules of business should apply. You as a lawyer should understand that. NICOLE: As a lawyer, I do understand that. As a human being, I also understand that when a woman's alone MR. LEAHY: Here we go. NICOLE: And in need of money, can do things that she'll later regret. MRS. LEAHY: I could get you some cheese. NICOLE: You cannot force a mother to give up her child. MR. LEAHY: If she signed a paper saying, On April the 12th I am giving birth and whatever comes out, I'm handing to you. . . NICOLE: What a lovely way to put that. MR. LEAHY: And you pay her money and her medical expenses. . . MRS. LEAHY: They always do this. They pick a subject and they argue until dinner, then they call a truce and they pick it back up for dessert. I could get you some nuts. NICOLE: Okay, enough. I don't wanna argue with you anymore. MR. LEAHY: What can I do with her, Luke? I ask you. LUKE: Oh, well, uh, probably not much. MRS. LEAHY: So Luke, I feel like we've been ignoring you. LUKE: Oh, that's okay. MRS. LEAHY: Nicole told us you've never been married. NICOLE: Or we could talk about how he owns his own diner. That's a good opening topic. MRS. LEAHY: Hush, sweetheart. You just sit there and pretend to be ashamed of us. LUKE: Uh, no, I have never been married. MRS. LEAHY: But someday, maybe, right? Marriage, children? NICOLE: She means eventually and with the woman of your choice. They will not be involved in the picking. MRS. LEAHY: Because there is nothing more wonderful than marriage. NICOLE: You know, the others escaped out the bathroom window. Just a tip. MRS. LEAHY: And then children. Well, there's nothing more rewarding than children. You just can't imagine until you've been there. MR. LEAHY: That's true. And this one here made everything in life worth it. MRS. LEAHY: The whole experience is like the most fabulous roller coaster ride you can imagine. From the time they're born to that first step. The first word. The first time they hug you. The first time they pick out their own outfits. LUKE: The first time they tell you they're going to school and then you follow them, and they get in their car and drive to Wal-Mart. MR. LEAHY: Wal-Mart? LUKE: And they think you don't know. They think you're just a moron and you're going, Hey, they must be telling me the truth, right? And they don't think that maybe you know that they're lying to your face and that you're really mad because you guys had an agreement. MRS. LEAHY: Oh dear. LUKE: And that agreement was clear, very clear. And they know that breaking that agreement is a violation of everything you had talked about. Oh yeah, that is cute. That's just darling. I can't wait to experience that again. [pause] I'm sorry, did someone mention cheese? CUT TO PIZZA SHOP [Rory walks in. Kirk, Joe and Pete are at a table] RORY: Hey guys. PETE: Rory, good, just the lady we're looking for. We have a plan. RORY: Good, cause I've got a check. PETE: We've solved the problem of transporting the big pizza thing. KIRK: I was of little help since I'm currently in excruciating pain. PETE: Instead of this whole one huge pizza concept, we're gonna do a hundred little pizzas all sitting next to each other. RORY: What? JOE: Like a pizza doily. RORY: I don't want a pizza doily. PETE: Okay, less a doily, more of a collage. RORY: I don't want a pizza collage either. JOE: Hey guys, I got another idea. How about we put the pizzas together, and then put pepperonis over the open spots. PETE: So it looks like one big pizza, tricky. RORY: Okay, hold on. JOE: Or we could put cheese over the holes. KIRK: Please don't say the C- word. RORY: Guys. PETE: Cheese might fall through the holes. JOE: We can use slices. PETE: That'll work. RORY: That will not work! PETE: Hey, Rory. RORY: No. Now you three listen to me. We agreed that this was going to be the world's largest pizza. That was the concept. Now I realize it can't be the world's largest pizza because that pizza was insane, but it is still going to be large. Very large. Crazy large. PETE: But we RORY: No buts! That was the concept get back to the concept! This is not Gangs of New York now with Cameron Diaz. This is Gangs of New York twenty years ago with Meryl Streep as Scorsese originally imagined it. Come back, refocus, remember the goal. Am I making myself clear? JOE: Cameron Diaz is hot. RORY: Not the point, Joe. JOE: Okay, jeez. RORY: Now tonight is my mother's birthday party and the whole town is going to be there and they are expecting music, favors, and a really large pizza and they will not be disappointed. I don't care how you do it, just do it! KIRK: Somehow I can't picture Meryl Streep with Leonardo Dicaprio. CUT TO LUKE'S DINER [Luke is behind the counter on the phone] LUKE: I really am sorry, Nicole. Your parents must think I'm a lunatic. NICOLE: No, I don't think lunatic was one of the words they used. But they have a very extensive vocabulary, so there may just not have been time. LUKE: It's the first time I meet them and I just. . .Jess was driving me crazy and. . . NICOLE: I know this. I told them this. LUKE: I swear, when they come back into town, I will do better. JESS: I'm going to school. [leaves] NICOLE: They may not be back in town for several months. LUKE: Whenever. NICOLE: Whenever? So I can make another lunch date with my parents even though it's several months away? LUKE: Sure, make it. NICOLE: Okay, I'll make it. LUKE: Tell them I've gotten some medication, I'm much better now. NICOLE: I'll do that. [Jess walks back into the diner] JESS: Get off the phone! LUKE: What? JESS: I need the phone, get off the phone! LUKE: What's the matter? JESS: Someone stole my car. LUKE: Nicole, I'm gonna have to call you back. [hangs up] What do you mean somebody stole your car? [Jess picks up the phone and starts dialing] JESS: I parked it right around the corner and now it's gone. LUKE: Why would you park it around the corner? JESS: Because that's where I parked it. How the hell can the police department have an answering machine? [hangs up the phone] LUKE: Look, let's just calm down. JESS: Who would steal that car? It hardly ran. LUKE: Well, you know these chop shops, they can make a buck out of anything. JESS: I am gonna kill whoever did this. I'm gonna find them and kill them. LUKE: Listen, just go on over to school, I'll take care of anything. JESS: No, I gotta talk to the cops. LUKE: I'll do that, go. You know, you don't wanna be late to your first class, right? JESS: Well, yeah, but LUKE: I mean, you were planning on going to school, right? JESS: Right. LUKE: Okay, well, then just walk on over to school and I'll take care of the rest. JESS: Fine. LUKE: All right, have a good day. Study hard, don't worry. Just leave the car to me. CUT TO ELDER GILMORE RESIDENCE [Emily, Richard, Rory and the maids sing Happy Birthday to Lorelai in the dining room] ALL: [singing] Happy birthday dear Lorelai, happy birthday to you. EMILY: You can take the cake into the kitchen now, Teresa. [the maid takes the cake away] LORELAI: Wait, aren't I supposed to blow them out? EMILY: Oh, Teresa can do that. LORELAI: Mom, it's tradition for the person whose name is on the cake to do the blowing. EMILY: Oh, I'm sorry, I thought only children liked to do that. Should we bring it back out and relight it? LORELAI: No. RICHARD: Well, would you like to make a wish and blow out the tapers? LORELAI: Why am I being mocked on my birthday? RORY: Because that's the Gilmore way. LORELAI: Huh. EMILY: Let's move into the living room for our dessert, shall we? LORELAI: Let's shall. [they all start walking to the living room] LORELAI: [quietly to Rory] How're we doing on time? RORY: We've got time for cake. LORELAI: Are you sure? Cause I don't wanna miss the fancy party you're throwing me. RORY: Don't worry, it's not that fancy. EMILY: What are the two of you whispering about? LORELAI: Nothing. RICHARD: Champagne? LORELAI: Trying to get me drunk so I forget that you wouldn't let me blow out my own candles? EMILY: Oh, dear, is this going to be another one of those stories that you tell people for the rest of your life like the bunny story? LORELAI: His name was Murray, Mom. RICHARD: Oh, Emily, you had to bring that up. LORELAI: How could you think I wouldn't notice you gave away my rabbit? EMILY: Because you were four and terrified of the thing. LORELAI: I was not terrified, I simply respected his space. RICHARD: You slept in the maid's room for a week. LORELAI: I wonder where Murray is now. RICHARD: In a shoebox somewhere, I assume. RORY: Grandpa. LORELAI: Very nice, and on my birthday. RICHARD: Once again, a toast to Lorelai on her 36th birthday. LORELAI: 35th. RICHARD: Really? LORELAI: You're doing the math? RICHARD: Right, sorry. To Lorelai on her 35th birthday. RORY: Hear, hear. LORELAI: Thank you for the toast, thank you for the dinner, and, uh, in the spirit of the evening Mom, I have something for you. EMILY: For me? It's not my birthday. LORELAI: I know, but here. [hands Emily an envelope] RICHARD: Oh. EMILY: What is this? LORELAI: It's from Murray. It's taken him this long to write it partially cause of the hurt and pain and partially cause he has paws. EMILY: What is this? LORELAI: That is what I owe you. EMILY: What you owe me? LORELAI: For Rory's school. I promised you I'd pay you back and now I have, every cent. Thank you again for helping us out. There's no way Rory would be going to Yale if it wasn't for this money, if it wasn't for you. EMILY: You're welcome. LORELAI: Okay, so. . . EMILY: You must be very relieved. LORELAI: Excuse me? EMILY: Your debt is paid, you owe us nothing. LORELAI: Well, yeah. EMILY: You don't need us anymore. LORELAI: Um, I didn't say EMILY: You don't have to deal with us. You don't have to come over for Friday night dinners. It all works out beautifully, doesn't it? LORELAI: This isn't about that, Mom. EMILY: Oh no? LORELAI: No, I owed you money and I paid you back. EMILY: I don't want it. LORELAI: I can't believe you're mad that I'm paying you back. EMILY: I'm not mad, I just think it's extremely unkind of you to use this occasion to inform me you won't be coming over anymore. LORELAI: I didn't say that. EMILY: This says that! LORELAI: Mom, let me ask you something wouldn't you rather we came over here because we wanted to, not because of some threat you're holding over our heads? EMILY: Oh, and you would come here voluntarily? LORELAI: I always said I would pay you back. This is not a surprise. EMILY: No, it certainly isn't. LORELAI: I was trying to do a good thing here. When Dad gave me the money, one of the first things that jumped into my head was to - EMILY: When Dad gave you the money? When Dad gave her the money? RICHARD: Now, Emily EMILY: You gave her this? RICHARD: It was her money. LORELAI: It was from that investment, Mom. RICHARD: I'd appreciate it if you'd stay out of this. LORELAI: Why are you mad at me? RICHARD: I told you not to tell your mother about that money. LORELAI: When did you tell me that? RICHARD: At lunch. LORELAI: You did not. RICHARD: I did, too. LORELAI: Dad, I swear you didn't tell me not to tell Mom. RICHARD: Why do you think I met you in the day at a restaurant, Lorelai? Think. LORELAI: I EMILY: You kept this from me, Richard? RICHARD: I knew you would be upset. EMILY: You lied to me. RICHARD: I had to give it to her. I was legally obligated. EMILY: You're also legally obligated to your wife. LORELAI: Mom EMILY: Don't you talk to me! RICHARD: Now, you're overreacting. EMILY: Don't you talk to me either! LORELAI: Don't be mad at Dad. RICHARD: Stay out of this! LORELAI: I just RICHARD: Well, don't! LORELAI: Mom, please. Just because I gave you this money doesn't mean we're never gonna come over here again. We will come over. Maybe not every week, but there will be the occasional Friday night dinners. EMILY: No, there won't. RORY: Grandma EMILY: I don't need anybody doing me any favors. You are released from your obligation, Lorelai. Have a nice birthday, have a nice life, I'm going to bed. LORELAI: Dad RICHARD: Not now! [Emily and Richard leave the room] CUT TO STARS HOLLOW [Lorelai and Rory are walking through the town square] LORELAI: You're quiet. I know they were upset, hon, but trust me, they'll calm down. RORY: Why did you do that? LORELAI: Excuse me? RORY: Just giving them that check like that. LORELAI: Rory, I borrowed that money. RORY: I know you did, but you had to have known that they'd get upset. You had to know that Grandma would take it personally. LORELAI: Well, what would you have me do, not pay them back? RORY: Maybe. LORELAI: Maybe? RORY: Well, they didn't want the money back. LORELAI: It's not the point. RORY: Well, it's kind of the point. LORELAI: No, Rory, it's not the point at all. RORY: They were throwing you a party, Mom. LORELAI: Sorry, did I miss something? Did I dance around saying nyah, nyah, nyah, nyah, nyah when I gave her the check? RORY: No. LORELAI: Did, did I not thank her genuinely thank her for everything? RORY: Yes. LORELAI: Did I not credit your getting into Yale with them giving us that money? RORY: Yes, but LORELAI: Unh uh, no buts. Listen Rory, I'm not sure if you're aware of how hard it has been for me these past three years to be indebted to my parents. I decided a long time ago that I was gonna live my life without their help, but I went to them and I took their money and I'm not sorry I did, it was the right thing for you, but I don't need their help anymore. RORY: Fine, but you don't have to just throw it in their faces like that. LORELAI: I paid back a loan. You're supposed to pay back a loan. I have Polonius and then entire banking system on my side. RORY: I just think you could've done it differently. LORELAI: How? RORY: I don't know. LORELAI: Take a shot. RORY: I don't know. LORELAI: Rory, my relationship with my parents is very different from your relationship with them. You only know the warm and fuzzy Richard and Emily, and I only want you to know the warm and fuzzy Richard and Emily because they're your grandparents and they love you, but I have a different history with them and it was not all warm and it was definitely not all fuzzy. So do not judge me for repaying a loan that I always intended to repay, that I told them from the beginning I would repay, that I had to repay. I will not let them make me feel guilty for doing that and I will not let you make me feel guilty for doing that either. RORY: I'm sorry. LORELAI: It's okay. [They walk down the street some more. Lorelai sees a large group of people gathered for her birthday party at the dance studio. A crane is lowering the huge pizza onto a table] LORELAI: Oh my God. What is that? RORY: The world's largest pizza. Almost. LORELAI: That is amazing. RORY: You like it? LORELAI: I love it. Thank you honey. Hey, what happened to Kirk?

Emily and Richard rejoice when Rory announces her decision to attend Yale; Kirk sustains baking-related injuries when Rory secretly enlists the help of her fellow Stars Hollows citizens to bake the world's largest pizza for her mother's birthday party; Michel and Tobin compete over giving Lorelai the best present, but Richard wins the contest hands-down with a check for $75,000 that's actually the proceeds from an investment he made in Lorelai's name at her birth; Luke confronts Jess about skipping school to work at Wal-Mart, but is blown off as usual; when Lorelai decides to use the money to pay back her parents for Rory's Chilton tuition, Emily becomes furious with Richard for giving Lorelai the money, fearing that the repayment of their loan is a sign that she'll never see either Lorelai or Rory again; Luke makes a bad impression on Nicole's parents, scaring them off with a rant on the horrors of parenting Jess.

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THE CRUSADE - EPISODE 4 DAVID WHITAKER first broadcast - 17th April 1965 [SCENE_BREAK] 1. INTERIOR OF A CORRIDOR IN EL AKIR'S PALACE (El Akir sits as his two guards bring in Barbara, and his eyes light up upon seeing her. She stands there half defiant, half afraid.) EL AKIR: (With an evil smile.) The only pleasure left for you... is death. And death is very far away. (El Akir removes a leather purse filled with gold coins from his belt and weighs it in his hand.) EL AKIR: Such a prize as you is worth rewarding these men for your recapture. Would you not agree? (He empties the coins from the bag into the palm of his hands.) EL AKIR: I have spent time and trouble on you... (Angrily.) now you cost me gold as well. BARBARA: I'm not afraid of you. EL AKIR: (While counting the gold.) No? Yet, you run away. Is that not fear? BARBARA: Fear has nothing to do with contempt. Or disgust. (El Akir stops counting and stares coldly at Barbara.) EL AKIR: You are not here to like or dislike me. Such liberties are over for you. Look at these coins... mere pieces of metal. (Barbara looks around, faking boredom.) EL AKIR: No interest? You should have. These coins are going to change your laughter into tears... your joy to misery! (Without warning, Barbara knocks El Akir's hand, and the coins go flying. The two guards dive to pick them up. Barbara shoves El Akir who, in turn, falls backward. She runs back along the corridor.) EL AKIR: Leave that! After her, you fools! (One guard goes to help El Akir up, but he pushes him away. The guard then turns and sees the other guard stuffing gold in his belt pouch.) FIRST GUARD: The gold is mine! (El Akir struggles to his feet.) EL AKIR: Dogs! Do you hear me, alert the palace! (El Akir's guards look at him fearfully.) [SCENE_BREAK] 2. INTERIOR OF THE SERAGLIO (The two guards burst open the barred gates and enter the room. Inside there are a group of women wearing yashmaks and various exotic costumes who are terrified at this intrusion. Maimuna, alone and unafraid, stands in front of the group.) MAIMUNA: What do you want in here? Are you both drunk? Or mad? (El Akir appears at the doors and enters the room.) EL AKIR: I'll have your hands and feet for this! (El Akir grabs both of his guards by their collars, flings them around, and shoves them out the door.) EL AKIR: (Softly.) No man steps into this room but me. Now you find her, or your death will be slow. (El Akir crosses to Maimuna and pulls her yashmak down.) EL AKIR: A prisoner has escaped. MAIMUNA: No one has stepped in here, my lord. No man would dare... except your guards just now. EL AKIR: The prisoner is a woman, and I want her found! MAIMUNA: We have seen no one. EL AKIR: Look... (Pulling out a ring.) a ruby ring... for anyone who should see her... and report it to me. (El Akir exits. When the doors close, the group of women separate, revealing Barbara, crouched down on her knees, hidden by them all. Maimuna helps her up.) MAIMUNA: Hafsa, run to the doors and let your ears warn us. (One of the girls, Hafsa, runs to the doors.) MAIMUNA: We will hide you here. We all hate him. BARBARA: Thank you. MAIMUNA: You will be safe. No one here will betray you. (Fatima, another of the girls, has other ideas.) [SCENE_BREAK] 3. EXTERIOR OF A STRETCH OF SAND (The scorching sun beats down upon Ian, now shirtless, and spread-eagled out on the sand. His hands and feet are tied to small stakes driven into the ground. Next to Ian is Ibrahim, an ugly looking Arabian man, wearing raggy clothing and grinning with broken teeth. Next to Ibrahim is a small pot with a stick in it. The wind blows constantly.) IBRAHIM: (Laughing and teasing.) You want a little drink of water? IAN: (In a parched whisper.) Take me to Lydda. I will give you money. IBRAHIM: (In bad English.) I will fetch you money. You will tell me where I can find it. IAN: I won't tell you anything until you undo these ropes! IBRAHIM: It is a predicament. You are a rich lord, I can see from the things you wear. (Ian sighs and rolls his eyes.) IBRAHIM: But you will not share your wealth with poor, poor Ibrahim. IAN: I am not rich--I keep telling you! Take me to Lydda and you will be rewarded. (IBRAHAIM shakes his head and laughs.) IBRAHIM: I am cursed with the affliction of disbelief. But I have another little scheme! (He picks up the pot.) IBRAHIM: A little pot of honey. Made from pounded dates... (Licking his fingers.) and very, very sweet. There, my lord. A little bit on your wrists... and a little bit on your chest. (As he is speaks, he smoothes Ian with the honey.) IBRAHIM: Now over there is a hungry home, full of ants that go wild for date honey. We must be generous to them. Lay a little trail across the sand, like this... (Ibrahim sings as he spoons out the honey and pours it from Ian's wrist on to the sand.) IBRAHIM: (With absolute joy.) And I will sit in the shade of the trees and dream of all the treasures I will get when the ants discover you. (With laughter.) If you crane your neck around, my lord, you will soon see what you take to be a black line along the honey. (Laughing and very excited.) Why, you will be able to see it getting closer and closer! Weeooh, weeooh! My little ones! Such ecstasy! (Ian turns his head and stares at the honey trail.) [SCENE_BREAK] 4. INTERIOR OF A ROOM IN RICHARD'S PALACE (Vicki stands in front of the Earl of Leicester who is seated. The King stands apart, his back to them.) VICKI: (Shouting angrily.) It is not true and you know it isn't! LEICESTER: But what is true is that you came here in disguise--first a boy and now you are a girl! VICKI: (Yelling.) He was just trying to protect me! LEICESTER: Protect you from the lord, the King? VICKI: (Fed up.) Oooooh! Where is the Princess? She knew all about this! (The Doctor enters and storms over to Leicester. He is unaware of the King's presence.) THE DOCTOR: What is the meaning of this? VICKI: He's had me brought here-- LEICESTER: I wish to question her. THE DOCTOR: You call yourself a nobleman, sir? Yet it appears you enjoy bullying young girls, hmm? (He puts his arm around Vicki's shoulders.) THE DOCTOR: We're not the guilty ones here, and... (Leicester looks uneasily at the King's back.) THE DOCTOR: ...don't look away when I'm talking to you. (Shouting.) You, sir, hmm! LEICESTER: I have the right to civility from you. What are you, knave or commoner? Or are you perhaps a traitor? VICKI: (Yelling.) You! It was you who told the Princess! LEICESTER: (In disgust.) Ah! I'll have no more of this! RICHARD: No more will we. (The King turns around and approaches.) THE DOCTOR: Your Majesty. I didn't realize you were there, Sire. RICHARD: Good Leicester, this question time has reached its full conclusion. Go to your men, find out their quarrels and complaints, and mend them with the best words at your command. LEICESTER: They understand a fight, my lord. RICHARD: Then warn them one approaches. LEICESTER: (Happily.) Sire, I will. I'll turn them from a rabble into victors once again, and we shall set a noise of sharpening and polishing till the ground fare trembles with sound of axe and sword against the whetstone, and the sun shall find a glittering home in every visor. RICHARD: (Bored.) Yes, do it. (Leicester bows and exits.) RICHARD: (To The Doctor and Vicki.) We know now that it was not you who told our sister. It's no use, Joanna is right. We cannot fight Rome as well. In any other land I could command the end and force my purpose. Not here... not with Saphadin and Joanna. No. (Disgusted.) Once again we shall have to fight. THE DOCTOR: May I ask you something, Sire? If you knew it was the Earl of Leicester that gave your marriage plans away to your sister, why didn't you accuse him... have it out with him then and there? VICKI: (Angrily.) You just let it go without saying a word. It wasn't fair. (Softly and humbly as she realizes whom she is addressing.) I'm sorry, your Majesty. RICHARD: We accept the impeachment. We are unjust to you, to serve the greater good. You see, my Lord of Leicester is a hardy fighter... and a fight is near us now. When we meet the Saracen again, we shall need him at our elbow. But do not be discouraged. You have our favor. THE DOCTOR: But I have made an enemy of him, Sire. RICHARD: Yes, I fear you have. Therefore, it would be best to be gone from here until the enmity is forgotten. THE DOCTOR: I think I agree, Sire. VICKI: Must we go? I don't want to. (The King smiles.) RICHARD: (Emphatically.) Good! And we do not wish to see you leave. But you must. Go to Acre. Rest there. Wait until we call again upon your wisdom and your counsel. THE DOCTOR: We shall leave at once, Sire. RICHARD: Meantime, I'll wrestle with the problem of this war. THE DOCTOR: There is something important, Sire. If you are able to defeat Saladin in this battle, can you hold the city, hmmm? RICHARD: (Intensely.) Win the battle, lose the war. The greatest fear we have. We've come so close. I must see Jerusalem. I must. THE DOCTOR: You will, Sire. RICHARD: You think so? THE DOCTOR: I am certain, Sire. And when you look upon the city itself, you will be able to find the answer to the problem of this war. May we now take our leave, Sire? (The King nods, his mind elsewhere. The Doctor and Vicki leave him. Once out of earshot, Vicki and The Doctor converse.) VICKI: (Whispering.) Are we going back to the ship? THE DOCTOR: (Whispering.) As fast as our legs can carry us, my dear. VICKI: Doctor, will he really see Jerusalem? THE DOCTOR: Only from afar. He won't be able to capture it. Even now his armies are marching on a campaign that he can never win. VICKI: That's terrible. THE DOCTOR: Hmm! VICKI: Can't we tell him? THE DOCTOR: I'm afraid not, my dear. No. History must take its course. (The Doctor and Vicki exit. The King remains on his throne, looking thoughtful and pessimistic.) RICHARD: Help me, Holy Sepulchre. (In desperation.) Help me! [SCENE_BREAK] 5. EXTERIOR OF A STRETCH OF SAND (Ian is still tied up.) IBRAHIM: You see, my master? The line of black is getting nearer and nearer. Date honey is a great delicacy for our little friends. And I will return to the shade and leave you to your little friends. You have only to call! (Smiling, he moves away. Ian, dripping with sweat, tugs anxiously on the cords biding his wrists, to no avail. He soon tires out. The ants on the honey march closer toward him.) [SCENE_BREAK] 6. INTERIOR OF THE SERAGLIO (Maimuna's face is buried in her hands, weeping. Barbara's arm is around her shoulders.) BARBARA: Don't be upset, please. MAIMUNA: My tears are tears of joy. All this time I believed that my father and sister were dead. El Akir had swore that they were. BARBARA: He has a lot to answer for. MAIMUNA: Now I know why he told me they were dead. By keeping me here, he brought shame upon my family and, at first, I tried to kill myself to spare my father's honor. But when I believed him dead, I did not even have the will to die. BARBARA: Listen, Maimuna, your father loves you. All he thinks about is getting you away from this place. MAIMUNA: Is that really true? BARBARA: Yes. He told me so. MAIMUNA: I thought... he had despised me. BARBARA: He hates El Akir. He wants to kill him and take you home. MAIMUNA: There is no escape from this place. (She sees the look of dread on Barbara's face.) MAIMUNA: But we will hide you. El Akir is a stupid animal. He will not think to search for you here. (Barbara smiles gratefully. Fatima watches nearby, waiting for her chance.) [SCENE_BREAK] 7. INTERIOR OF A ROOM IN THE KING'S PALACE (The Earl of Leicester is talking to a soldier.) LEICESTER: You observed them leave the palace? SOLDIER: Aye, just now my lord. LEICESTER: Take men and follow them discreetly. The old man tried to poison the King's mind. He may be in the pay of the infidel Saladin. He may be worse. Some devil in a human form, the girl a witch. SOLDIER: (With fear.) A witch, my lord? LEICESTER: Take courage, man. No black art withstands a well-placed sword. [SCENE_BREAK] 8. EXTERIOR OF A STRETCH OF LAND (Ibrahim, carrying a long dagger, returns to Ian's side. Birds flying overhead are heard.) IBRAHIM: (Laughing.) You see, my lord. They know when death is approaching. (more laughing.) Already there's the advanced guard has reached its little objective. (The ants are very near Ian's hand. He talks with a dry whisper.) IAN: Alright... I'll tell you... IBRAHIM: First! First! First! IAN: I have gold... IBRAHIM: (All excited.) Where? Speak up! Speak up! IAN: My boot! IBRAHIM: Boot! (Ian appears to faint. Ibrahim gazes down at Ian's feet. He bends down and cuts the rope around Ian's right foot. He pulls off his boot and puts his hand inside it searching for money. Not finding any, he turns the boot upside down and bangs it on the floor, throwing it aside. He returns to Ian.) IBRAHIM: (Laughing.) You are lying. There is nothing there! IAN: The other boot! (Ibrahim quickly turns to Ian's left foot and cuts the cord--just as Ian wanted. Ian raises his right foot and pushes Ibrahim hard in the back. His captor falls, losing his grip on the dagger. With the strength of his whole body, Ian pulls at the pegs holding his hands. They give way just as Ibrahim rushes toward him. Both men fall to the ground and roll in the sand. Ibrahim tries to reach for his dagger, but Ian pushes him, rises to his own feet, and grabs his captor around the neck, twisting his arm behind his back. Ibrahim whimpers in fear.) IAN: (Angrily.) Now... where is Lydda? How far is it because you're going to take me there! IBRAHIM: (Absolutely terrified.) Not far... walking distance. I live there myself... I-I'll show you, I'll take you. Do not kill me, lord... walking distance... IAN: (Angrily.) Walking?! Where's my horse? IBRAHIM: My brother took it. A miserable thief. (He begins to cry.) [SCENE_BREAK] 9. INTERIOR OF THE SERAGLIO MAIMUNA: Have you heard anything? HAFSA: No. They must be somewhere else in the palace. (Hafsa approaches.) MAIMUNA: Have a rest, now Hafsa. Let one of the others listen. (Hafsa nods and walks over to the group of women.) BARBARA: The corridor outside... where does it lead? MAIMUNA: To the balcony. It overlooks the garden. BARBARA: How far up from the ground? MAIMUNA: There is a tree, but... BARBARA: Can you reach it from the balcony? MAIMUNA: There are guards below. (Barbara nods thoughtfully. Fatima replaces Hafsa at the doors.) BARBARA: How far are the entrance gates from the tree? MAIMUNA: Not far. But there is no escape that way. The guards watch it constantly. I'll show you from the window. (While no one is watching, Fatima slips through the gates.) [SCENE_BREAK] 10. EXTERIOR OF THE GATES TO EL AKIR'S PALACE (The gates are opened a bit, and a guard stands outside. In the bushes nearby, Haroun moves about, peering through. He draws his knife.) [SCENE_BREAK] 11. INTERIOR OF A CORRIDOR IN EL AKIR'S PALACE (El Akir walks around impatiently. The second guard stands by nervously.) EL AKIR: (Angrily.) She cannot get out! Go and look again! (El Akir observes Fatima walking down the corridor.) EL AKIR: You? Who gave you permission? FATIMA: My lord... EL AKIR: What is this insolence? FATIMA: You said a ruby ring, my lord... (He stares at her.) EL AKIR: Where is she? [SCENE_BREAK] 12. EXTERIOR OF THE GATES TO EL AKIR'S PALACE (Ian bends over the dead body of a guard as Ibrahim stands at his side.) IAN: He's dead. (Ian removes the guard's cloak and puts it round his own neck and then picks up the guard's sword.) IBRAHIM: Errr... Why do you steal his sword? IAN: I'm going inside. El Akir has a friend of mine. I've got to find her. IBRAHIM: El Akir will kill you. He's a very, very bad man. (Ian glares at Ibrahim.) IAN: He's not the only one around here. But why do you say he's a bad man? IBRAHIM: He has made the rich people so poor so there is no one left to steal from. If you rid the world of him, you will be remembered as a saviour. I shall not betray you. IAN: Oh, well in that case, perhaps you can do something for me. IBRAHIM: (Eagerly.) Anything, my lord, anything, anything. IAN: Yes, on second thoughts, it might be a little difficult for you. I wonder, do you think you could manage to, uh, steal some horses for me? IBRAHIM: (Laughing.) Now you are truly, truly my brother. While you keep El Akir occupied, I will steal the horses from his stables. IAN: Good. IBRAHIM: You can always trust Ibrahim. (Ian goes to the doors and looks though. Ibrahim exits wearing a large grin on his face.) [SCENE_BREAK] 13. INTERIOR OF THE SERAGLIO MAIMUNA: Fatima has betrayed us. You must get away. You will die if you stay here! (Barbara moves to the gates. El Akir bursts through. He glares at Maimuna, who slowly moves backwards.) EL AKIR: (Angrily.) You hid her from me! BARBARA: Leave her alone! EL AKIR: Now I shall show you how I deal with those who do not obey me! (He raises his sword at helpless Maimuna. Haroun, knife in hand, appears directly behind him. He stabs El Akir in the back. He groans and his eyes immediately go blank and his sword slips from his hand. He falls to his knees and forward, revealing the knife. Haroun enters and bends over him.) MAIMUNA: (Crying.) Father... oh, father. (She rushes to him.) MAIMUNA: I believed you were dead. HAROUN: There is great joy in my heart at seeing you. But come now. Your sister Sophia awaits you. BARBARA: Is Sophia alright? HAROUN: Yes. She told me of your sacrifice. I came here to give my life for you, my lady. BARBARA: How did you get in here? (Fatima enters, sees the body, and screams. She rushes to the doors to warn the guards. Ian suddenly appears and drags her back into the room. The other women lead Fatima away.) IAN: Barbara! HAROUN: Get back - the guard! (Ian is just about to move across to her when he hears the sound of running feet outside. He draws to one side of the door. They open and the second guard runs in. He runs past, waving his sword at Haroun. The first guard now enters. Ian pulls him round by the shoulder and knocks him out. The second guard reaches Haroun and raises his sword to strike. Haroun throws himself at the guard and Ian rushes over to help Haroun overpower him. Haroun and Ian tie him up.) HAROUN: (Shouting.) Quickly! Make haste... we must not stay here! IAN: Barbara, quickly! (They rush out. Ian ushers Barbara out of the door. Fatima breaks away and tries to follow. The gates close and she backs against them. The group of women slowly closes in on her. She holds out the ruby ring to them, fearfully. Hafsa knocks it out of Fatima's hand.) FATIMA: (Terrified and crying.) No! No! No! No-- [SCENE_BREAK] 14. EXTERIOR OF THE GATES TO EL AKIR'S PALACE (Ian pours gold coins into Ibrahim's out-stretched palm.) IBRAHIM: (Laughing.) You see? I was right, my lord. You did have gold. IAN: I acquired it! IBRAHIM: (Laughing.) Like I acquired the horses. IAN: Yes... IBRAHIM: (In bad English.) Now you are my truly, truly brother. (Barbara hurries past with Haroun.) BARBARA: Ian, we must get back to the ship! (Ibrahim, Ian, Barbara, and Haroun speak at the same time so it's difficult to make out what each one is saying.) IAN: Yes, alright. Farewell, Ibrahim. Don't go acquiring too many things. HAROUN: Yes. Go now. BARBARA: Goodbye Maimuna. Goodbye Haroun. HAROUN: Ride well, my brother. May Allah go with you. (They exit.) IBRAHIM: Really! Such talent! He has such an honest face. We could have made a fortune! HAROUN: We must not stand here dreaming, you half-wit! The soldiers will be around us! IBRAHIM: (Laughing.) This half-wit has stolen all their horses! HAROUN: (Walking away.) They can still use their legs, can't they? (Ibrahim's smile vanishes.) [SCENE_BREAK] 15. EXTERIOR OF A CLEARING IN THE FOREST OUTSIDE OF JAFFA (NIGHT) (One of the King's soldiers stands on guard by some bushes. A second soldier stands in the shadows. Crickets and other night life are heard in the background. Several feet away, The Doctor peeks through some bushes observing the soldiers and then sinks back beside Vicki and whispers to her.) THE DOCTOR: They're between us and the ship. VICKI: These the soldiers who followed us? THE DOCTOR: Yes, they are. I wonder what they're up to, hmm? VICKI: Can we go round? THE DOCTOR: No, there's too many of them. Perhaps we can t...try... (He rises up and peeks through the bushes again.) THE DOCTOR: No, we can't do that. VICKI: Why not? What's happening? THE DOCTOR: Now I know why we've been followed, hmm. (The Earl of Leicester enters.) LEICESTER: Your messenger arrived. So they are traitors and making toward Saladin's encampment. SOLDIER: So it seemed to me, my lord. LEICESTER: Armed, as they are, with secrets, they are dangerous enemies. Do you have the wood encircled? SOLDIER: Yes. They can't get away. LEICESTER: The shadows are the only friends they have. We'll find them at daybreak. THE DOCTOR: It's that meddling fool, Leicester. We've got to try and slip through them, but remember: not a sound ... not a sound. (The Doctor sneaks along with Vicki close behind him. Carefully, The Doctor approaches a thinning in the bushes where he can easily push through. He motions for Vicki, parting the bushes for her.) THE DOCTOR: In you go. (Vicki goes through. The Doctor is just about to follow when a shout is a heard. He stops, afraid to give Vicki away. One of the King's soldiers runs over and grabs The Doctor, dragging him back to the center of the clearing.) THE DOCTOR: (Most angrily.) Take your hands off me, sir!! What are you doing?? Unhand me!! How dare you!!?? [SCENE_BREAK] 16. EXTERIOR OUTSIDE THE TARDIS (Barbara places her arm around Vicki's shoulder and puts a finger to her lips signaling silence. The Doctor is still yelling at his captors.) VICKI: They've caught him... they've caught him. BARBARA: Vicki, it's alright. We'll get him away. VICKI: (Anxiously.) But how? What can we do? [SCENE_BREAK] 17. EXTERIOR OF A CLEARING IN THE FOREST OUTSIDE OF JAFFA (The Doctor is trapped from behind as The Earl of Leicester approaches.) LEICESTER: So, I thought you'd show yourself. THE DOCTOR: What is the meaning of this, sir? The King gave me leave to go. LEICESTER: To Saladin? IAN: (OOV.) You are right, my lord. (Ian enters the clearing.) IAN: His treachery is well-paid by Saladin. He is a Saracen spy. LEICESTER: The truth at last! But I do not know you, sir. IAN: I am Sir Ian, my lord, Knight of Jaffa. I know this villain's treachery... and hearing that you were looking for him, I followed you. LEICESTER: To watch his execution? IAN: No, my lord. To administer it. LEICESTER: It is a paltry matter to be rid of him, but I would do it. IAN: It is no paltry matter to me, my lord. Some friends of mind were ambushed here... de Marun, de Tornebu. He's to blame. My lord, I beg of you, let me finish him. LEICESTER: Yours is the greater claim. Dispatch him then, and quickly. THE DOCTOR: (Acting nervously.) Heh-heh, gentlemen, since I am to depart so punctiliously, I would ask you to grant me one last wish. LEICESTER: (Bored.) Granted. THE DOCTOR: Thank you. I would like to look once more upon... the city of Jaffa and then you may do what you will with me. LEICESTER: (Bored.) Granted. THE DOCTOR: (humbly.) Thank you, my lord. IAN: (Nodding.) My lord. [SCENE_BREAK] 18. EXTERIOR OUTSIDE OF THE TARDIS (The Doctor rushes to the TARDIS where Barbara and Vicki await, gets out his key, and fumbles at the door. Ian also runs up.) IAN: (Whispering.) Doctor, hurry! THE DOCTOR: (Excitedly.) What about that performance?? BARBARA: Doctor, open the door! (He opens the door and he, Ian, Barbara, and Vicki pile in, laughing and talking all at once.) [SCENE_BREAK] 19. EXTERIOR OF A CLEARING IN THE FOREST OUTSIDE JAFFA MAN-AT-ARMS: Sssh! Do you hear a voice? LEICESTER: A voice? MAN-AT-ARMS: A woman's voice. LEICESTER: (Alarmed.) Have we been tricked? (He turns and crashes through the bushes, followed by the soldiers. They gaze at the TARDIS in amazement. It slowly disappears. The soldiers fall to their knees and make the sign of the cross.) LEICESTER: We will not speak of this. Let this story die here in this wood or we'll be branded idiots... or liars. Poor Sir Ian, brave fellow. Spirited away by fiends. What dreadful anguish and despair he must be suffering now. [SCENE_BREAK] 20. INTERIOR OF THE TARDIS CONTROL ROOM (Ian, seated in a chair, laughs hysterically.) IAN: ...Any more cracks about knighthood, and I'll carry out that execution! THE DOCTOR: Well, my dear boy, I must say I think you've earned a good knight's sleep! (All of them laugh a bit harder. Ian rises out of the chair.) THE DOCTOR: Now, I suppose, the TARDIS will materialize when it's ready. (Barbara and Vicki stand on opposite sides of The Doctor.) BARBARA: (Teasing.) Yes, and uh, where it likes. THE DOCTOR: (Annoyed.) Oh my dear young woman, why don't you go have a cup of... tea or something. (Vicki laughs at their bantering. Suddenly the TARDIS lighting fails except for the column control. The light from it reflects on everyone's face.) IAN: What's happening? THE DOCTOR: I don't know. Hmm!

Missing episode The TARDIS arrives in 12th century Palestine where a holy war is in progress between the forces of King Richard the Lionheart and the Saracenruler Saladin. Barbara is abducted in a Saracen ambush and the Doctor, Ianand Vicki make their way to King Richard's palace in the city of Jaffa.

fd_FRIENDS_04x18

fd_FRIENDS_04x18_0

Teleplay by: Jill Condon & Amy Toomin Story by: Andrew Reich & Ted Cohen [Scene: Central Perk, Joey and Chandler are there as Phoebe enters carrying a drum.] Phoebe: Hey! Chandler: Hey! Wow, it is true what they say, pregnant bellies look like a drum. Phoebe: (not amused) Ha-ha. (She sits down on the couch.) No, it's just I'm so pregnant that I-my guitar doesn't fit anymore. So I thought 'til I'm not, I'm just gonna play all my songs on this drum. It sounds really cool! Chandler: All right. Phoebe: Listen. Listen. (She starts to play and sing.) Smelly cat, smelly cat, what are they feeding you? Joey: Wow, Pheebs! That sounds great! Phoebe: I know! I know, and I've only been playing for like an hour! Alice: (entering) Phoebe! Phoebe! Hi! Hi! Phoebe: Hey! What are you doing here? Alice: Umm, actually, I came down to ask you a big favour. Phoebe: Oh, well, don't tell me you want to keep more of your stuff in my uterus. Alice: (laughs) No. No. No. (Sits down.) Okay, now, see, I wanna name the girl baby Leslie, and Frank wants to name one of the boy babies Frank JR. JR. Chandler: Wouldn't that be Frank the III? Alice: Don't get me started. (To Phoebe) Anyway, umm, since there are three babies and umm, we both got to put our names in, we would be truly honoured if you named the other boy baby. Phoebe: Wow! That's so great! Oh! Oh! Cougar. Alice: You think about it. (Leaves) OPENING CREDITS [Scene: Ross's apartment, he and Emily are getting ready to go to the airport.] Emily: I left a bra drying on the shower rod, you don't think your son will think it's yours and be horribly traumatised? Ross: Hey, if mommy can have a wife, daddy can have a bra. Emily: (checks the clock) Ohh, it's time to go. Ross: Oh, no-no-no, see, that-that clock's a little fast, uh, we have 17 minutes. Huh, what can we do in 17 minutes? Twice? Emily: Well that's ambitious. (They kiss but are interrupted by a knock on the door.) Ross: Hey, uh, you can ignore that. Emily: That's Carol with your son! Ross: Uhh, believe me when he's older, he'll understand. Carol: (knocking on the door) Ross! Ross: I'll be right there. (He goes over and opens the door to Carol, Susan, and Ben.) (To Ben.) Hello! (To Carol.) Hello! (To Susan.) Hey. Uhh, Emily, this is Carol and Susan. Susan: Hey, it's so nice to finally meet you! Emily: Me too! Carol: Ohh, y'know, Susan's gonna be shooting a commercial in London next week. Susan: Oh yeah, I'm so excited, I've never been there. Emily: Oh, well, I'll show you around. Susan: That would be great! Also, uh, I was hoping to catch a show so if you can make any suggestions... Emily: Oh, there's tonnes of terrific stuff-I'll go with you! Susan: Ahh! (Ross accidentally, on purpose, bumps into Susan.) Ross: Look at you two, bonding, making us late for the airport so... Emily: Are you all right? Susan: Oh, he's fine. He's fine. It's just that us getting along is difficult for him, because he doesn't like me. Ross: Oh come on! That's-that's... true. [Scene: Monica and Rachel's erm, Chandler and Joey's, Joey and Chandler are playing foosball as Phoebe enters.] Phoebe: Hi! Joey: Hey! Chandler: Hey! Do we have a baby name yet? Phoebe: Ugh! No! This is so hard! I went through this whole book (Holds up a book) and found nothing! I want a name that's really like, y'know strong and confident, y'know? Like-like Exxon. Chandler: Well, it certainly worked for that Valdez kid. Joey: Ooh-ooh, Pheebs, you want a strong name? How about, The Hulk? Phoebe: No, I'm-I'm not sure about Hulk, but I like the idea of a name starting with "The." Joey: Oh, want a good name, go with Joey. Joey's your pal. Joey's your buddy. "Where is everybody?" "Well, they're hanging out with Joey." Chandler: Hey, y'know what, if you're gonna do that, if you're gonna name him Joey, you should name him Chandler. (Phoebe doesn't think so.) Oh, come on! Chandler's funny, sophisticated, and he's very loveable, once you get to know him. Joey: Oh well, hey, Joey's loveable too! But the thing about Joey is, if you need him, he'll be there. Chandler: Well, Chandler will be there for you too. I mean, well, he might be a little late, but-but, he'll be there. And he'll bring you some cold soda, if want you need him for is that you're really hot. Joey: What do ya say? What do ya say? Phoebe: Well, I, I like the idea of naming him after someone I love, and Joey and Chandler are great names. (They both stare at her.) But, all right, I don't-maybe I'll just name him The Hulk. Joey: I knew I shouldn't have mentioned it! That's what I wanted to name my kid! [Scene: Chandler and Joey's erm, Monica and Rachel's, Monica is cooking and Rachel is getting ready for a date with Joshua.] Rachel: Hey, Mon, if you were hoping to sleep with Joshua the first time tonight, which one of these would you want to be wearing. (She's holding two frilly, lace nighties.) Monica: Y'know what? It really creeps me out choosing other people's s*x clothes. Rachel: Sorry. I'm so exited! I've been waiting for this for months! I got my hair coloured! I got new sheets! I'm making him a very fancy meal. Monica: Um-hmm. Rachel: What am I making him by the way? Monica: Well, you're making him a frieze salad with goat cheese and pine nuts, wild nuts, wild rice, roast asparagus, and salmon au croup. Rachel: I thought I was making him filet mignon? Monica: Yeah, you were, but you decided to make salmon because you had some left over at the restaurant. And then you realised if you (Points at Rachel) bitched about it, then you (Points to herself) would stop cooking, and you (Points at Rachel) would have to make your famous baked potato and Diet Coke. Rachel: Wow, I really get crabby when I cook. [Scene: Monica and Rachel's erm, Chandler and Joey's, Joey, Chandler, and Phoebe are there as Ross enters.] Ross: Hey! Joey: Hey! Chandler: Hey! Ross: So uh, Emily called last night... Chandler: And now you're giving me the message! Ross: Turns out them Emily is just crazy about Susan. Yeah, they're going to the theatre together! They're going to dinner! They're going horseback riding! Phoebe: God, Susan is so fun! Ross: Look, this is just a little too familiar, okay? For like, for like six months before Carol and I spilt up, all I heard was: "My friend Susan is so smart. My friend Susan is so funny. My friend Susan is so great." Chandler: You actually think that something can happen between Emily and Susan? Ross: Hey, they're going to the gym together! Two women! Stretching! Y'know they-they take a steam together! Things get a little playful-didn't you see Personal Best? Joey: No, but I'm gonna! Chandler: Hi! Hi! You're crazy! Okay? This is Emily. Emily is straight. Ross: How do you know? I mean we thought Carol was straight before I married her! Phoebe: Yeah, I definitely. I don't like the name Ross. Ross: What a weird way to kick me when I'm down. Phoebe: No! No! I-I meant for the baby! Ross: Oh. What's wrong with Ross? Phoebe: Well, it's just y'know that something like this would never to like The Hulk, y'know... Ross: Actually that-that's not true, in The Incredible Hulk uh, No. 72, Dr. Bruce Banner found... (Sees everyone staring at him and stops.) Y'know, ugh, nevermind, my girlfriend's a lesbian. (Leaves.) Phoebe: So, I decided I'm definitely going to go with either Joey or Chandler. Joey: Oh! Oh-oh, you gotta pick Joey! I mean, name one famous person named Chandler. Chandler: Raymond Chandler. Joey: Someone you didn't make up! Chandler: Okay, there are no famous Joey's. Except for, huh, Joey Buttafucco. Joey: Yeah, that guy really hurt us. Phoebe: Well, how about a compromise then, okay? What if it's like y'know, Chanoey? Chandler: Okay, look, Joey! Come on, think about it, first of all, he'll never be President. There's never gonna be a President Joey. Joey: All right look man, I didn't want to bring this up, but Chandler, is the stupidest name I ever heard in my life! It's not even a name; it's barely even a word. Okay? It's kinda like chandelier, but it's not! All right? It's a stupid, stupid non-name! Chandler: Wow, you're, you're right. I have a horrible, horrible name. Joey: I'm sorry man, I didn't-I'm-I'm sorry. I'm sorry. (Goes over and comforts him.) Chandler: Okay. Joey: So I guess it's Joey then! [Scene: Chandler and Joey's erm, Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is on her dinner date with Joshua.] Joshua: This is so nice. Thank you for doing this. Rachel: Ohh, please! Cooking soothes me. (They kiss.) Ahh. So, dig in! Joshua: Great! Oh, it all looks sooo good! Rachel: (taking a bite) Hmmm! Joshua: Oh my God! Rachel: Oh I know, my God, this is so-this rice is so-I am so good. Joshua: Behind you? Rachel: (sees the chick and the duck) Oh, yeah, I'm sorry. They used to live here; sometimes they migrate back over. Joshua: (getting up and backing away from they.) Is there ah, is there some way they can not be here. It's just ah, farm birds really kinda freak me out! Rachel: Yeah, sure, okay. Okay. (Rachel gets up and ushers them into the hall, as they pass Joshua, he leaps onto the counter to avoid them. Rachel drops them off in the hall, and knocks on Joey's door.) Joey: (answering the door.) Hey, how did you do that?! Come on in. (He brings them inside.) [Cut back to Rachel's date.] Rachel: All gone! So, farm birds, huh? Joshua: Yeah, it's-it's my only weird thing, I swear. And I-I-I would've told you about it, but I didn't know they would be here. Rachel: Oh. Joshua: So, all right. (They both sit back down.) Rachel: Okay. So, can I serve you a little of-What? What? What? (She sees that Joshua isn't relaxed.) Joshua: Nothing I uh, it's just that I know that they're still out there. Rachel: But, they're across the hall! I mean that's two doors away, it would take them a long time to peck their way back over here. Joshua: Okay, that's-that's not funny. Uhh. Rachel: Okay, y'know, would you feel better if we went someplace else? I mean we could pack all this stuff up and y'know go to your apartment. Joshua: Oh, they're working on this week, it's a total mess. But uh, I'm staying at my parents' house, we could go there. Rachel: Your parents'? Joshua: Yeah, they're out of town. Rachel: Ohh. Joshua: Yeah-yeah, it's this huge place, and-and it's got this gorgeous view of the park, and very, very romantic. What do you say? Rachel: Yeah that works. (He moves to kiss her, but stops when he hears the duck.) Joshua: They-they-they can smell fear. [Scene: Ross's apartment, Carol has come to pick up Ben.] Ross: (opening the door.) Hey! Carol: Hey! How's Ben? Ross: Well, I asked him if he wanted to eat, he said, "No." I asked him if he wanted to sleep, he said, "No." I asked him what he wanted to do, he said, "No." So, he's sweeping. (We see Ben playing with a broom and a dustpan.) Carol: Hey, Ben! Hey! Ross: So umm, any word from Susan? Carol: Ooh, yeah! She said she's having sooo much fun with Emily. Ross: Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh, by the by, did it uh, did it ever occur to you that, I don't know, maybe they might be having a little too much fun? Carol: What's too much fun? Ross: Y'know, the kind of fun, you and Susan had when we were married. Carol: Oh my God, you are so paranoid! Ross: Am I?! Carol: Yes! Ross: Am I?! Carol: I can't speak for Emily, but Susan is in a loving, committed relationship. Ross: Uh-huh, Carol, so were we. All right, just-just imagine for a moment, Susan meets someone and-and they really hit it off. Y'know? Say-say they're coming back from the theatre, and they-they stop at a pub for a couple of drinks, they're laughing, y'know, someone innocently touches someone else... There's electricity, it's new. It's exciting. Are you telling me there isn't even the slightest possibility of something happening? Carol: Maybe. Ross: OH MY GOD!! I didn't really believe it until you just said it!! [Scene: Joshua's parents' apartment, Rachel and Joshua are entering.] Joshua: ...and even though none of the other kids believed me, I swear to God, that duck pushed me! Rachel: Wow! This place is fabulous! Joshua: Yeah, yeah, let me show you around. This is the uh, downstairs living room. Rachel: Whoa-whoa, there's two living rooms? God, growing up here, this place must've been a real babe magnet. Joshua: Yeah, well, it would've been, but uh, my parents just moved here. Rachel: Ohh, you should know, this place is a real babe magnet. Wanna make out? (They kiss.) Joshua: Hey, here's an idea. Why don't uh, I put the food in the fridge and we can eat it later? Rachel: That sounds like a plan. Umm, is there a place I can go freshen up? Joshua: Oh yeah, yeah uh, it's down the hall and uh, second door to your left. Rachel: Ah. (She goes down the hall. Joshua goes to put the food away when his parents walk in.) Mrs. Burgin: Oh, hi, darling! Joshua: Mom, Dad, what are you guys doing here? Mrs. Burgin: Oh, well we cut the trip short. Mr. Burgin: France sucks! Joshua: Umm, this may be a little weird, but I-I-I got a date here. Mrs. Burgin: Oh, say no more! Mr. Burgin: We'll just grab some food and take it with us right upstairs, and we'll be right out of you hair. Joshua: Oh, that-that would be great. So you didn't even get to Italy? Mr. Burgin: Yep, sucks! (They all go into the kitchen. Just then, Rachel comes back from the bathroom; she had removed her dress and is wearing nothing but a lace nightie. She tries to find someplace seductive to wait for Joshua. She tries to sit on the piano, but it makes too much noise. So she goes over to the couch and kinda half lays down to wait for Joshua. Joshua comes in from the kitchen, sees Rachel, and freezes.) Rachel: Hi you! Joshua: Oh my God! Rachel: I know, I can do more than cook. (Just then, his parents enter. Rachel gasps.) Mr. Burgin: I like her. She sees smart. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Joshua's parents' apartment, continued from earlier.] Joshua: Uhh, Rachel, my parents... Rachel: Ohh! It's so nice to meet you. (She goes over and shakes their hands.) Hello. Mr. Burgin: Hi. Rachel: Hello. Mrs. Burgin: Hello. Well, Joshua, that $500 was for groceries. Rachel: What? This-this, no, oh no, no-no-no, this is not-that's-that's not what it is. See, see, okay, I work in fashion, see and-and, this is a real dress actually. It's-it's, they're-they're wearing it in Milan, so part of my job is too wear the clothes, and then I see how people respond, and then I report back to my superiors at Bloomingdale's, so... And obviously in uh, in-in this case, (She grabs a pen and paper) I am going to report back, "USA not ready." Mrs. Burgin: Maybe in L.A? Rachel: Yes! Joshua: There you go. Mr. Burgin: So, have you kids eaten yet? Rachel: Well, we were going to do that after-I mean umm, next. Mr. Burgin: Well, we're starving, why don't we all go get something to eat? Rachel: Oh, yeah, well... Yeah, no use wasting this baby, just lyin' around the house. Mr. Burgin: So... We go eat. Rachel: Yes. Mr. Burgin: You'll wear that. We'll be eating, and of course, you'll be wearing that. [Scene: Monica and Rachel's erm, Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is looking for a new name in Phoebe's book of names.] Joey: Dude, I am sorry about what I said! Chandler: No, no, you're right, it is a ridiculous name! Joey: It's not that bad. Chandler: Yes it is! From now on, I have no first name. Joey: So, you're just Bing? Chandler: I have no name. Phoebe: All right, so, what are we supposed to call you? Chandler: Okay uh, for now, temporarily, you can call me, Clint. Joey: No way are you cool enough to pull of Clint. Chandler: Okay, so what name am I cool enough to pull off? Phoebe: Umm, Gene. Chandler: It's Clint. It's Clint! (He heads for his bedroom.) Joey: See you later, Gene. Phoebe: Bye, Gene. Chandler: It's Clint! Clint! Joey: What's up with Gene? [Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is telling Phoebe and Monica of her date.] Monica: So, you wore your nightie to dinner? Rachel: Oh, yeah. And uh, the best part though, when the uh, waiter spilled water down my back, I jumped up, and my boob popped out. Phoebe: Oh my God! Monica: Oh, no! Rachel: No, it's all right. I got nice boobs. (Phoebe and Monica nod there heads in agreement.) Ross: (returning from the phone.) So, I just picked up a message from Emily, she and Susan are going to a poetry reading together! Rachel: So? Ross: So! Poetry? Susan's gay! They're being gay together! Monica: Emily's straight. Ross: Oh, wake up! Phoebe: Wow, Carol really messed you up! Ross: Excuse me? Phoebe: Yeah, she turned you into this-this-this untrusting, crazy, jealous, sycophant. (They all look at her.) All right, so I don't know what sycophant means, but the rest is right. Ross: Look, I don't know what you're talking about, I am not a crazy, jealous person. Rachel: Huh. Ross: What? Rachel: She's totally right! When we were together, you got all freaked out about Mark and there was nothing going on. Monica: This totally makes sense! Ross: It does not! Monica: Oh, sure it does! In high school, you weren't jealous at all even though all your girlfriends were cheating on you! Phoebe: All right, all right, so up until '92-93 he was very trusting, then '94 hit, Carol left him and bamn! Paranoid city! Rachel: Absolutely! Absolutely! Monica: This is so much fun! Ross: This is not fun! Monica: Look, all we're trying to say is, don't let what happened with Carol ruin what you got with Emily. Phoebe: Yeah. The '92 Ross wouldn't. Ross: Well, I still think I was right about that whole Mark thing. Rachel: What-yeah-what, y'know what? I hope Emily is a lesbian. [Scene: Monica and Rachel's erm, Chandler and Joey's, Phoebe is showing off more of her drum skills to Joey by rubbing one of the sticks back and forth across the drum.] Phoebe: Drum roll. Chandler: (entering) Okay. Okay. All right. Help! Am I a Mark, or a John? Joey: Nah, you're not tall enough to be a Mark, but you might make a good Barney. Chandler: All right look, am I serious, okay? Tomorrow at 3:30 I am going down to the courthouse. Phoebe: You're actually going through with this? Chandler: Hey, look, this name has been holding me back my entire life. Okay, it's probably why kids picked on me in school, and why I never do well with women... So, as of 4 o'clock tomorrow, I'm either gonna be Mark Johnson or John Markson. Phoebe: You got problems because of you! Not your name! All right, this has got to stop! Chandler is a great name! In fact-yes, (To Joey) I'm, I'm sorry. I know you really wanted me to name the baby Joey, but eh, so, I'm-I'm, I'm gonna, I'm gonna name the baby Chandler. Chandler: (pleased) Really?! Phoebe: Yeah, but you have to keep the name too! Chandler: Okay. Thanks. Phoebe: Okay! Chandler: You wanna hug it out? Phoebe: Yeah! (They both hug.) Phoebe: Yay! Chandler: Yay! Phoebe: Yay-oh-yay! Okay, I gotta go tell Frank and Alice! Right now! Chandler: Okay! Phoebe: Ooh, uh... (She grabs her coat and runs out.) Chandler: Bye, Pheebs! Phoebe: Okay, bye! (She exits, and after the door is closed, Chandler turns to Joey and...) Chandler: Ha! Ha! Ha! Joey: Ohh! (Realises it was all a trick to get Phoebe to name the baby Chandler.) CLOSING CREDITS [Scene: the airport, Carol and Ross are waiting for Emily and Susan to deplane. A gorgeous woman walks by and they both turn to watch her go.] Ross: Nice luggage. Carol: I was gonna say... (Susan and Emily get off.) Susan: Hey! (They both run and hug they're respective partners.) Ross: Hi! Emily: Hey! I missed you. Ross: Oh, I missed you too. Susan: (To Emily) Thanks for everything, I had such a great time. Emily: Oh, so did I. (They hug and give each other a little peck on the cheek.) Ross: (To Carol) No tongue. (And gives her the thumbs up.)

Frank and Alice ask Phoebe to name one of their unborn triplets. Both Joey and Chandler compete to get her to choose their name. Joey says "Chandler" is a sissy name, prompting Chandler to consider changing it, though he has ulterior motives. Ross becomes paranoid when Emily and Carol's wife, Susan, spend time together in London. Rachel wears a revealing dress and an even sexier slip under it while dining with Joshua at his apartment, only to be unpleasantly surprised when his parents unexpectedly arrive.

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Ted from 2030: Kids, in the fall of 2010, I was designing the new headquarters for Goliath National Bank, which meant working side by side with your Uncle Barney. Barney's office Ted: I love your idea about a giant rooftop ring of fire you can jump through with a motorcycle, but I tweaked it slightly and... This is still super bad-ass. It's now a patio garden where you can bring a nice bag lunch. Barney: Sick. Yeah. Dude. Working together is gonna be legen... Wait for it. I'll send you an inter-office memo with the rest 'cause we freakin' work together! Ted from 2030: Everything was going great. That is, right up until Barney said... Barney: Oh, big news. The board finally settled on a site for the building. Ted from 2030: It was the site of The Arcadian, one of New York's grandest old hotels. In its heyday, it was the New York home to kings and queens. But lately... mostly just queens. The Arcadian Transvestite: Hi, handsome. Lookin' for a date? Ted: Uh, no, thank you. Still got it. Barney's office Ted: Barney, we have to talk. Barney: Sure. What's up? Barney's Secretary: Excuse me, Mr. Stinson. Barney: Not now, Trish! Barney's Secretary: But there's an urgent memo for Mr. Mosby. Ted: "Dary." Barney: Legendary! So, what's on your mind? Ted: I can't design the building. [OPENING CREDITS] Lily's and Marshall's bedroom Marshall: Oh, yeah. Lily: Oh, baby. No, no. Not the slipper socks with the rubber soles. I work so hard to-to set the mood, and-and when I see those, I feel the egg go right back up my Fallopian tube. Marshall: Baby, these satin sheets are slippery. Papa needs traction. Lily: Traction? Marshall: As you know, Papa likes to get down with enthusiasm. Lily: Please stop calling yourself "Papa." Marshall: And without traction, Papa's likely to boogie himself right out of bed. It's either these or soccer cleats. Lily: Hey, so I talked to Robin. I guess she and Max hooked up last night. Ted from 2030: Kids, as you may remember, Max was a friend of Marshall's from law school... with whom Robin was really starting to hit it off. Marshall: Nice! I love that guy. Max is both his name and his level of awesomeness. Lily: Yeah. He's a sweet guy. She feels really comfortable with him. They bonded over hockey. I guess he has a small pen1s, but they want to double-date next weekend. Marshall: Why would you tell me that? Lily: So you'll clear your schedule. Marshall: No! The other part! Lily: Oh, the small pen1s thing? Marshall: Ah! Don't! Stop saying that! Why do you keep saying that? You... I don't want to know that. I'm not going to be able to look the guy in the eye. I'm certainly not going to be able to call him "Max." Lily: That's insane. I mean, just because you know Max has a small pen1s... Marshall: Just don't! The Bar Barney: You're kidding me. Ted: I'm sorry. I can't do this if it means tearing down The Arcadian. It's an architectural landmark. Plus, people live there. How does GNB plan to get hundreds of residents to just up and leave? Barney: Snakes. Ted: Did you just say "snakes"? Barney: I don't recall saying "snakes". Ted, I know you love crappy old stuff no one cares about. But I'm gonna give you four words to live by: New is always better. Ted: New is always better? Barney: You know who's a million times hotter than the hottest girl I've ever slept with? Her okay-looking friend I haven't seen naked. Why? Because new is always better. Ted: Mm-hmm? And this theory applies to everything? Barney: Everything. Ted: So, those new Star Wars movies... Those are better than the old ones? Barney: Yeah. The first three barely mention the intricacies of intergalactic trade law. Ted: And when you're at a Guns n' Roses concert, you're like, "Yeah, yeah, Paradise City, whatever. When are they gonna rock me some Chinese Democracy"? Barney: Axl's really matured as a songwriter, Ted. Ted: Wendy! I'd like to buy my friend a drink. What's your oldest Scotch? Wendy: Glenmckenna, aged 30 years in oak casks. Ted: Amazing. And what's your newest scotch? Wendy: Jumbo Jim's Grape Scotch. Don't let it touch your skin. Ted: Your call, buddy. Barney: A glass of the J-Jumbo Jim's Grape Scotch sounds lovely. Lots of ice. New is always better, Ted! That's a rule. Just like bigger is always better! (Marshall and Lily come in) Marshall: Pff. That's not true. Uh, sometimes smaller is better. "Hey, look how big my cell phone is!" You don't hear people say that. No. You want something compact and efficient that fits comfortably in your pocket, and I think Max is just a great guy. Robin: Lily told you. Ted: Told him what? Lily: Max has a small pen1s. Barney: How can you speak of such things? Robin: Girls talk about everything. Lily: Size, shape, left or right leaning orientation... Robin: Length, resemblance to a historical figure, such as Winston Churchill... Yes, that's one of you. Girth, grooming... Barney: How can you speak of such things? Lily: You're kidding. Barney, every time I mention a woman you don't know, the first thing you say is, "Boobs?" Not the complete sentence, "Does she have big boobs?" Which also would not be great. Just: "Boobs?" Barney: I do not do that. Lily: My friend Lori from work... Barney: Boobs? Damn it. But... seriously. Boobs? Lily: So why is it okay for guys to talk about boobs, but the moment we bring up a topic like Max's small pen1s... I'm gonna pretend this conversation never happened. Marshall: Impossible. Max's pen1s is stuck in my brain like a splinter. Like a splinter-sized splinter. Barney: Speaking of disappointing weenies... Ted, tell them what you told me. Ted: I want to ask the board at GNB to move the site for the new headquarters so we don't have to tear down a classic old building. Barney: I still don't get this. Why, all of a sudden, out of nowhere, do you want to ruin... Wait a minute. Who's the girl? Robin: Duh. Of course there's a girl. Ted: What? I... There's no g-girl. Why would you even... Her name is Zoey. Barney: Boobs? [FLASHBACK] (Ted is looking at the Arcadian when a woman stops next to him) Woman: Beautiful building, right? Ted: Look, mister, you are very convincing, and I am very flattered. Confused, even. But I'm not looking... Woman: I'm not a drag queen. But you definitely have me rethinking this eye shadow. [END OF FLASHBACK] Ted: Not only is she funny, hot and genetically female, but get this... [FLASHBACK] Woman: Look at the Palladian windows, the rusticated stonework, the marble cornices... [END OF FLASHBACK] Ted: She's an architecture nerd! A hot architecture nerd! That's the dream! Barney: Whose dream? Ted: We wound up talking for hours. [FLASHBACK] Woman: I love how old parts of the city are. Hmm. It makes me feel connected to history. Ted: Old is always better. I can't wait to be old. Woman: Me, too. You can wear elastic everything. Your lipstick doesn't have to stay inside the lines. Ted: You can shoplift and pretend you're just confused. Woman: You could nap anywhere. Uh-huh. Even while driving. It's gonna be great. I can't wait to be all run-down and weathered and wrinkly. Ted: Well, I'd say you got a pretty long wait. Woman: That's sweet. It would be sweeter if you hadn't thought I was a tranny before, but it's still sweet. [END OF FLASHBACK] Barney: Oh, Ted, that's so romantic. I want to fill a pillowcase with dead batteries and beat you with it. [FLASHBACK] Woman: Hey, Ted, can I ask you something Ted: Anything. Woman: Will you sign this petition? Save The Arcadian" We are gonna stop the bastards at Goliath National Bank from demolishing it. Will you support us? [END OF FLASHBACK] Barney: And you said...? [FLASHBACK] Ted: Where do I sign? [END OF FLASHBACK] Barney: Hmm. Grape scotch. Not bad. Ted, you only think The Arcadian needs to be saved because some pretty girl thinks that. And seriously... Boobs? Ted: This isn't about the girl. It's about the building. Barney: And what did this "Zoey" say when she found out that you're the one tearing down her beloved Arcadian? That you, Ted Mosby, are the Architect Of Destruction? Marshall: Whoa! Sweet wrestling name alert. Ted: Well... Uh, it's a... it's a funny thing about that... [FLASHBACK] Zoey: So what do you do, Ted? Ted: I'm a veterinarian. [END OF FLASHBACK] Ted: What? I panicked! Barney: This whole Arcadian thing is classic Mosby. Changing your personality to fit some girl. Ted: I don't do that. [FLASHBACKS] Ted: Well, off to meet Steph. We're adrenaline junkies! [...]Penelope is taking me to the Battle of Gettysburg. We're gonna eat squirrel! [...] (Ted enters the living room, dressed up as a wizard) Look, she's really hot, okay? [END OF FLASHBACKS] Ted: Aww! Come on! Come on! We all change a little for whoever we're into. Barney pretended to be a rabbi to get laid. Barney: Asian girls love them some Jews. Ted: And Marshall never would've listened to The Indigo Girls if it weren't for Lily. Lily: Um, I think you got that backwards there, Chief. Marshall: And you're welcome. Ted: The point is, you weren't pretending to like the Indigo Girls for the other person. You realized you liked them because of the other person. Just like me, Zoey and The Arcadian. Did GNB really put snakes in The Arcadian? Barney: No. Technically, they were eggs. Ted: Did you just say "eggs"? Barney: I don't recall saying "eggs." [SCENE_BREAK] The restaurant Max: So I walk into my boss's office and suddenly I realize, "Holy crap, I'm about to quit"" Marshall, thinking: Small pen1s. You have a small pen1s. Oh, that's super interesting, but you have a small pen1s. Damn it, Marshall! Okay. Okay. Think of any two words other than "small" or "pen1s". Got it: small pen1s. Damn it! Robin: Yeah, I-I think it is so cool that you started your own law firm. Max: Well, right now it's a pretty small practice. Marshall: Hey, hey. I bet it's not that small. Max: Bro, it's... pretty small. Marshall: Yeah, but, uh, you know what they say. The important thing is-is how you use it, you know? "The motion of the ocean." That whole thing. Robin: He said it's small, Marshall, and everybody's fine with that. Let's just move on. Marshall: I'm just saying that I bet it's bigger than he thinks. And thick. Max: Nah. Everything about it is tiny. The office is tiny. The conference room is tiny. Plus, I got a very small staff. Robin: Let's order! Ted's appartment Ted from 2030: As I was mustering the courage to call Zoey and tell her my true identity... Ted: Zoey... I'm Batman. Hmm. That'd be cool. Ted from 2030:...the strangest thing happened. (Someone is knocking at the door) Zoey: I need your help. (They go outside. Zoey opens the back doors of a truck) Just to warn you. What I'm about to show you is not a hundred percent legal. Ted: Wasn't expecting bunnies. Zoey: I stole them, Ted. My animal rights group liberated these guys from an evil cosmetics company. And I figured, "Hey, Ted's a vet. He can check them out and make sure they're okay." Ted: Absolutely. Just let me run up and get my bag of vet supplies. Okay. Why would I say that? The restaurant Max: Well, I know what I'm getting.Oh? Oh?The porterhouse. I've had it here before. It is like this. It's huge. Marshall: Well, spare no expense, buddy. Dinner is on me, and-and get dessert. Maybe this molten chocolate lava cake? I just want you to be happy. Max: Thanks, man. Next time, it is on me. Aw. Excuse me. I'll be right back. All right. Robin: Totally. Marshall: We'll just be here. (He gives a hug to Max)You're great. Max: Ah. Thanks, bro. It's, uh.... it's going on a while. Marshall: I know. Max: Thanks. Lily: Damn, baby, be cool! Robin: You're acting like he has six months to live. Marshall: It's your fault! You ladies and your salty sailor talk! Robin: Oh, come on! What about you men and your locker room talk? Marshall: Locker room talk. Do you want to know what it's like in a men's locker room? [FLASHBACK] Marshall: It's just a bunch of uncomfortable dudes trying to get out of there as quickly as possible. And one old guy just letting it all hang out. [END OF FLASHBACK] Lily: Are you suggesting that guys don't talk about s*x? Marshall: Yes, we do, but you know what we say? "I hit that.""I got some.""I tapped it." "I squeezed those." Discreet and efficient. Robin: Not to mention classy. Marshall: Thank God that I'm not dating. If I thought that Lily talked in that much detail about our s*x life, I'd probably kill myself. Oh, no. What did you tell her? Lily: Oh, nothing. We don't talk about you! Marshall: Are you sure? Robin: Yeah. That argument has no traction whatsoever. At the back of Zoey's truck Ted: You just broke in and stole these guys? Aren't you worried about getting arrested? Zoey: Nah. I've been arrested lots of times. Chinese Democracy. Ted: Wow. You're a little bit crazy. Zoey: Well, I'm usually crazy for a good cause. I can't just sit by while voiceless people or animals, r even buildings et screwed over. 'm certainly not going o just sit by hile GNB turns The Arcadian nto a soulless metal box. Ted: Yeah. Yeah. Although I hear there's a lovely rooftop patio where folks can enjoy a nice bag lunch, so... Zoey: Ted, I will find the bastards at GNB responsible for this, and I promise you, I will take them down. Barney's office Barney: Ted, this woman is an anarchist, a sociopath, a lunatic, and for the love of God, boobs?! Ted: Solid C-cup, perky bounce. Barney: Momentary grudging respect. Ted: Zoey does what she believes is right, and I want to do the same thing. We have to find a new site for this building. Barney: Ted, that is never gonna happen. Ted: Well, I can't tear down The Arcadian. I'm sorry, but I'm off the project. In the street Zoey: Hey, guys! I appreciate the great turnout, but just so we're all on the same page, this is not a rally to legalize marijuana. Man: Oh, bummer! Ted: Hey. Zoey: Hey, Ted. I'm so glad you came. Ted: Well, you really got to me the other night. I want to get involved with "Save The Arcadian." Zoey: Great. I'll grab you a picket sign. Hmm. Do you want "GNB puts the douche in fiduciary.."...or "It's always 4:20 somewhere"? Dudes, you forgot your signs! Ted from 2030: As I looked up at that magnificent old structure, I realized I wasn't letting my feelings for Zoey mislead me. This building really was worth saving. Zoey: Ted, everything okay? Yea... um... um... You work for GNB? Man: Dude, why are you dressed like a wizard? Ted: She was really hot, okay? The appartment (Barney is on the couch, holding a rabbit) Ted: How the hell could you do that? Barney: Simple. I rented the chair. The bunny was here already. That was lucky. I waited to do the dramatic swivel until I heard your key enter the door. Ted: The billboard, Barney. Barney: I had to. Now that you have no shot with the girl, you'll realize you never cared about the building, and everything can go back to normal. Ted: You're wrong. I do care. And I'm still quitting. Barney: Don't you get it, Ted? We're tearing down The Arcadian either way. It's a stupid old piece-of-crap, run-down, snake-infested dump! Ted: Okay, are there or aren't there snakes?! Barney: Who mentioned snakes?! And stop shouting! You're scaring Cottontail. Ted: You named the rabbit? Barney: You took longer to get here than I thought, we bonded, I'm keeping her. The point is, you now have a chance to design your own building. Dude, you can do whatever you want with it. Ted: You're right. You're right. I can design it however I want. Barney: So you're back in? Ted: Yeah. Ted from 2030: That night, as I worked on a new design that just might solve all my problems... Marshall was visited by a disturbing vision. Lily's and Marshall's bedroom (Marshall is thinking about what Robin and Lily couuld talk about) Lily: Ugh, he thinks I like this...But it feels disgusting. Robin: Uh, it looks disgusting. Marshall: Uh, is this working for you? Lily: "Uh, is this working for you?" Robin: Oh, of course, because what woman doesn't like being slobbered on while some giant paws at her nether regions like Lenny from Of Mice and Men? Lily: Oh, you're bad. Robin: More Cosmos? Marshall: I can't... I can't do this! I can't stop thinking about you and Robin! Lily: Oh, I've had that a couple times. Just lean into it and let it fuel things. Marshall: Look, no. You know what? Why don't you just... Why don't you just call Robin, okay, and have a good laugh about it? Whoa! Traction could have prevented that. At the Arcadian Zoey: Well, hope you don't mind, we made some changes to the billboard. Ted: Well, that explains a few voicemails. Listen, Zoey, I think we can save The Arcadian. No. Maybe not in the way you were picturing, but I stayed up all night working on a new concept, all right? What if my design could incorporate The Arcadian's facade into the new GNB headquarters? Ted from 2030: Kids, it was one of those moments in life where everything comes together... the girl, the building, everything, until... Ted: Are you married? Zoey: Yeah. So you were saying, the facade will be completely preserved? [FLASHBACK] Ted: This isn't about the girl. It's about the building. [END OF FLASHBACK] Ted: Yeah, it was about the girl. Zoey: Ted, wh-wh-what are you doing? Ted: This wouldn't work. Zoey, The Arcadian was a really great building once, but it's falling apart, and it's full of snakes. Zoey: Snakes? Ted: I don't recall saying snakes. Lily is on the phone Lily: Then he gets this panicked look on his face, says, "I can't do this," and storms out. Robin: Wow, that is weird. Lily: But here's the crazier part. [FLASHBACK] Marshall: No. You know what? Papa don't back down from a fight. So why don't you tell Robin... about this! [END OF FLASHBACK] Lily: It was amazing. He was passionate, animalistic, a complete stud. Robin: Wow. So he's right there making you say all this, huh? Lily: Yup. "'You're like a Greek god, I moaned, as the..." I can't read that, baby. Marshall: "Musky scent of man." Lily: "As the musky scent of man and Marshall's sure-footed traction intoxicated and overpowered me." Robin: That sounds real. Ted's appartment Ted from 2030: And as for Zoey, it was funny. I'd lied to her, then completely let her down. And I barely knew the girl. But there was something about her. I couldn't help but wonder if I'd ever see her again. (An egg comes crashing on the window) Zoey: Hey, Mosby! You're gonna have to come out of your hole at some point, you son of a bitch! Yeah! Legalize it! Dude! Ready. Aim. Fire! Ted from 2030: Why, yes. Yes, I would see her again. The lockroom Marshall: How's it going with Robin? Max: Uh, I think I have to break up with her. Marshall: Really? Why? You with her? Max: Yeah, well, there's this... kind of weird thing she likes to do in the bedroom. Ted: Hey, what's not for everyone? Marshall: Guys, come on. What is it? Max: Come on, bro. This is a locker room. Marshall: I... What do you think it was, Murray?

Ted becomes conflicted about pursuing his dream job of designing the new GNB headquarters after meeting a hot girl who's passionate about saving the landmark building that is being torn down to make room for it.

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fd_Charmed_07x18_0

[Scene: Alley. A woman runs in with a small box. She looks behind her, but is kicked to the ground. The box falls. She gets up and groans. A female demon jumps down.] Female Demon: It's Nina, right? Nina: You'll never get it. I won't let you. Female Demon: I didn't ask for your permission. (Nina stands up. Female demon chuckles.) It's only a matter of time before I get the box. Nina: Over my dead body. Female Demon: Now that's the thing with you Guardians. You're always dying for that damn box. Nina: Not always. (Nina blasts the demon, but she hovers and lands. She takes out a dagger.) Female Demon: Oh, come on, you can do better than that. (She throws the dagger at Nina, and she catches it. Female Demon smirks. They fight and grab each other. One of them is stabbed. The box disappears.) [Scene: Manor. Living room. Paige sits on the couch. She squints and covers her ears. A whine is heard. She opens her eyes.] Paige: Phoebe? Phoebe's Voice: Coming! (She walks in with a cup.) Coming. I used castor root this time. It should dull all the senses. (The whine fades out.) Paige: I don't care. Just give it to me. (Phoebe sits down. Paige takes the cup and a drink. Phoebe watches.) Thank you. (Phoebe smiles.) Do you mind? Phoebe: Do I mind what? (The whine starts up again.) Paige: Looking so psychotically perky... (The whining stops.) While I'm so miserable? (The whining starts.) Phoebe: You know, maybe it's psychosomatic. I mean, the inner ear has to do with balance, so maybe you're feeling imbalance because the whole magic school thing. (The whining stops.) Paige: Phoebe, come here. (Phoebe leans forward. Paige slaps her.) Phoebe: Ow! (She chuckles.) What was that for? Paige: Does that seem psychomatic to you? (Wyatt orbs in, dressed in a bathrobe.) Phoebe: Hey, big boy. I thought it was bath time. Leo's Voice: Uh, it is. (Leo walks in. He kneels down next to Wyatt. Paige puts the cup down.) Uh, hey, buddy. That was, uh, pretty funny, but I don't think mommy's going to think so. Phoebe: What's going on? Leo: Uh, I think the terrible twos have begun. Phoebe: Oh, well, magical boys will be magical boys. Leo: Yeah, well, try explaining that to his magical mama. (To Wyatt) Listen, I think you better orb back upstairs before mommy turns you into a toad. (Wyatt orbs out. The whining starts with pounding. Paige groans.) Paige: Ow! (Leo stands.) Leo: What's the matter? Phoebe: She has a ringing in her ears. Paige: No. It's more like a jackhammer. Leo: Really? Is it kind of like a dentist's drill that kind of goes in and out? (The whining stops.) Paige: Yeah. Phoebe: Why, you know what it is? Leo: Well, it could be your Whitelighter powers coming on. (The whining starts. Leo kneels down.) You know, you could be hearing the call from the Elders. (The whining stops.) Before I learned to control my powers, it used to drive me nuts. Paige: No. That's unacceptable. (The whining starts.) Leo: Okay. Well, you're half-Whitelighter. (The sound stops.) You can't deny that. Paige: Yes, I can. I want nothing to do with the Elders, okay? Leo: All right, well, if it is what I think it is, you're not going to have a choice. The only way to find out is to actually talk to an Elder. (Paige rolls her eyes.) Phoebe: Well, you can't bring one over here. Piper will freak out. Leo: All right, well, then maybe you should meet at Magic School. Look, do you want it to stop or don't you? Come on. I'll go with you. (Leo holds out his hand. Paige sighs, grabs it, and orbs out with him. Nina appears, gasping for breath.) Phoebe: Who are you? Nina: Please, you have to help me find it before it's too late. Phoebe: Find what? Nina: Pandora's box! Opening Credits [Scene: Manor. Attic. Wyatt plays with his toys. Piper looks through the Book with Nina.] Piper: Well, I guess since Excalibur is real, I don't know why it'd be a surprise that Pandora's Box isn't as well. (Phoebe walks in and hands Nina a cup.) Nina: Oh, thank you. Piper: How did you know to come to us? Nina: You're the Charmed Ones. (She dabs at the bruise with a tissue.) Everyone in the magical community knows about you. Piper: Yeah. That's becoming a problem. (The Book orbs to Wyatt.) Hey! Um, mister? Excuse me. (She kneels down.) Listen, what did I tell you about the orbing? Okay? Only when I say so. Thank you very much. (She takes the Book and puts it on the stand.) Phoebe: Piper, you can't deny who he is, through the good, the bad, and the annoying. Piper: Ah, I see you've been talking to Leo, haven't you? Phoebe: Look, just because you guys have completely different parenting styles doesn't mean you can take it out on me. I'm just the sister. Piper: And whose side are you on, exactly? (Phoebe chuckles.) Nina: Back to the box? Piper: Right. Okay. Let me guess. A demon took it. Nina: No. But we better find the next Guardian before one does. Phoebe: Guardian? Nina: Like you, we're chosen beings, part of a magical lineage, one in which every generation a girl is born, meant to guard Pandora's Box. Piper: Right, hence the name 'Guardian'. Got it. Nina: Only, each girl is trained by the previous Guardian, instructed carefully about the dangers and powers of the box, except the next one hasn't been. Phoebe: I'm not following. Nina: When Katya the demon attacked me, the box, perhaps sensing the danger, disappeared on its own, moving on to its next Guardian. Piper: And you don't know who that is. Nina: No. I guess I wasn't expected to survive. Phoebe: So, what does Katya want with the box? Nina: She wants to open it and release the world's ills: Sorrow, famine, plagues, all the evil inside. Piper: So, what's to keep the new Guardian from accidentally doing the same, especially if she doesn't know what's in the box? Nina: Nothing. [Scene: UC Berkeley. College dorm. Two girls walk through the hallway.] Blonde Girl: Seriously, Darcy, it's all good. Stop stressing about him. Darcy: I know, but how can I not? We're supposed to have this big talk. I mean, what does that mean, anyway? I was stupid to fall for him. Blonde Girl: Oh, come on, don't say that. I mean it. He's so not worth it. We got too much in life to be happy about than to let Adam Bice get you down. Darcy: You're right. Blonde Girl: Mm-hmm. Darcy: As always. Blonde Girl: Oh, not always. You should check my French Lit grades. Darcy: Ohh, that reminds me. (She looks at her cell phone.) Oh, I'm totally missing my chem lecture. I gotta go. (Blonde Girl waves to her.) Blonde Girl: Okay. (Darcy starts to leave, but her phone rings. She turns back.) Darcy: Wait! Oh, this is him. What do I do? Blonde Girl: Just be strong. Don't let him get to you, no matter what he says. Call me later. (Darcy nods and starts to leave.) Darcy: (to phone) Hello? (Blonde Girl goes into her room. She closes the door and puts her books down. Pandora's box sits on her bed and whispers come from it. She picks it up and opens the lid a crack. A screeching starts and black dust escapes. Blonde Girl quickly shuts it and starts coughing, dropping the box on the bed.) Blonde Girl: What the heck? (The black cloud goes through the air vent.) [Scene: Magic School. Paige hears the whine and covers her ears. She sighs. The whine fades out. Leo and Female Elder are there.] Female Elder: This is the global alert, Paige, one that only a Whitelighter can hear. You should be looking at this as if it was a gift rather than a problem. Paige: A problem, for me, is when Leo rearranges my books here. I would classify this as a root canal? (The whining starts.) Female Elder: Nevertheless, this is who you are, who you have become. (The whining stops.) Paige: Well, I don't want to become it, so fix it already! Female Elder: Fix it? Leo: Yeah, I don't think she wants to hear the call, ever. Female Elder: Well, that's impossible. She doesn't have a choice. (The whining starts.) It would be as if you wished to no longer breathe. Paige: If this ringing doesn't stop, maybe I don't want to. (The whining stops.) Look, I just left magic school, okay? The last thing I want to deal with is you Elders. Female Elder: I know, Paige, that in the past we have had our differences, but becoming a Whitelighter is as natural a part of your unfolding destiny as becoming a charmed one. Leo: Perhaps if you explained to her why you called the alert. Female Elder: We sensed a great threat, one which we have not yet been able to isolate. That is why we need every Whitelighter to be vigilant. (The whining starts.) Paige: Well, not this Whitelighter. Okay, just make it stop already. (The whining stops.) Leo: You know, maybe if Paige...helped a Whitelighter-to-be instead? (The whining starts and stops.) Female Elder: That's a possibility. Paige: Why? What would that do? Female Elder: Helping others helps yourself...to find some clarity. (Paige winces. The whining starts.) Paige: Well, if clarity...makes this noise stop, whatever. I'll try it. (Female Elder smiles.) [Scene: Manor. Attic. Piper, Phoebe, and Nina stand around the table as Piper scries.] Phoebe: Come on, come on. What's taking so long? Piper: Relax, or I'll give you a time-out. Nina: Here. Maybe this'll help. (Nina gives her a necklace. Piper continues to scry. An alphabet block orbs in, knocking the crystal down.) Piper: Wyatt! Time-out means no magic! Phoebe: Scry now, parent later. Piper: Well, you know, it would help if I wasn't the only one around here who had to discipline him. (Phoebe picks up the crystal and necklace.) Phoebe: Let me do this. Nina: Please, we have to hurry. If the box has been opened or if a demon's found it... Phoebe: We won't let that happen. I promise. Look, we do this all the time. (She starts to scry.) Piper: Maybe we need a stronger connection. Nina: I don't know what else to try. (The scrying crystal hits the map.) Phoebe: Oh! Piper: UC Berkeley. It's on the campus. (Nina starts to leave.) Whoa! Where are you going? Nina: You've done your jobs. Now I have to go do mine. Piper: Wait; you saw where that got you last time. Why don't you let us go with you? Nina: I can't let you risk it. Piper: Well, we can't let you risk it, either, not as long as there's a demon after that box. (Nina sighs.) Nina: All right, but I'll transport us there. It'll be faster. Phoebe: What about the Elders? Piper: What about them? Phoebe: Well, I mean, it's Pandora's Box. We should probably tell them something. Piper: All right, you tell them. Mommy needs a time-out. (Nina takes her and they disappear.) [Scene: UC Berkeley. College dorm. Arguing is heard. Piper and Nina walk in.] Piper: What's going on around here? Something's not right. Nina: She must've opened the box. It's the first wave of sorrow. (Crying is heard.) We have to hurry...before you become affected, too. (She walks to the door and holds her hand above a door.) Blonde Girl: (through the door) No, Darcy, we talked about this! Nina: In there. [Cut inside the room. She's on the phone.] Blonde Girl: (to phone) He's not worth it! (Someone knocks at the door.) Uh, just a minute! (To phone) Don't do anything stupid, okay? Promise? I'll be right there. (The knocking continues.) (To phone) Okay. Okay! (She hangs up and opens the door to find Nina and Piper.) Can I help you? Piper: Hi! My name is Piper, and this is-this is Nina, and we wanted to talk to you about something you...received, I guess, would be a good word for it. Blonde Girl: Uh, look, whatever you're selling, I'm not interested. My friend's in trouble and if I don't... Nina: You have come into possession of something more powerful than anything you have ever known. Piper: Yeah, okay, see, I was going to go with the less intimidating tactic, but... Blonde Girl: What are you talking about? Nina: The box. Where is it? Blonde Girl: Uh... (Nina walks over and picks up the box. Piper comes in and closes the door.) Nina: How did it come to you? Blonde Girl: I don't know. It was just there. What is going on? What is the... Piper: You haven't by any chance been taking some Greek mythology classes, have ya? Nina: Pandora's box, a gift the Gods gave to Prometheus, one that contained all of the evils of the world, until Pandora unleashed it on an unsuspecting people. (In Kayta's voice) I hope to do the same. Piper: Aw, crap. (Nina shapeshifts into Kayata. Blonde Girl steps back.) Oh yeah, this is not good. This is not good at all. [Scene: Manor. Attic. The Female Elder is there with Phoebe.] Female Elder: This explains the global alert. Phoebe: Alert? What are you talking about? Female Elder: The one that Paige heard and every other Whitelighter. Pandora's Box exists solely to tempt. It's part of the grand design. If mankind chooses to open it again, so be it, but Guardians are supposed to protect it from being opened by demons. Phoebe: So, then we should be fine. Piper and Nina... Female Elder: Nina never should've let it out of her sight. Phoebe: Well, apparently, she didn't have a choice. Uh, the box moved on to its next Guardian by itself. Female Elder: Oh, that's not possible. It can't move on unless the prior Guardian was already dead. Phoebe: Okay, you need to orb me to Piper immediately. [Scene: UC Berkley. Dorm room. Phoebe orbs in. The room is a mess.] Phoebe: Piper? Where are you?! (Piper peers around an overturned desk. Phoebe sighs.) Oh, thank god you're okay. (Blonde Girl peers out.) Who is she? Piper: Meet Hope, the real Guardian of the box. Too bad she doesn't have anything left to guard. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: UC Berkeley. Hope's room.] Hope: Who-who are you people? Phoebe: Okay, Hope, can you just try to calm down a little bit? We're the good guys, I swear. Hope: Oh, good guys. (She laughs.) Oh, then what was she? Piper: She was a... Phoebe: A demon pretending to be... Piper: A guardian, just like you. Phoebe: Yeah, uh, Nina's dead, by the way. Piper: Yeah, I figured. Not now. Hope: (to Piper) You! You blew up my dorm...with your hands! Piper: Yes, and I am very sorry about that. Hope: Oh. Ha. Now you're both calm, like this kind of stuff happens every day! Piper: Well, it kind of does. Phoebe: You see, uh...we're witches. Hope: What? Piper: We can explain all of this in great detail much later, but right now, we need to get you goin'. Phoebe: And fast. I'm feeling a little... Piper: Bummed? Yeah, I know. Nina, or Katya I'm assuming, said that it was the first wave of sorrow from the box. Phoebe: Great, so like a little appetizer? And she's obviously immune to it, cause she seems more freaked than bummed. Piper: Well, can you blame her? Hope: What are you two talking about? (Piper smiles.) Piper: We just need to know one thing that's...kind of important. Did you open the box? (Hope shrugs.) Hope: Only for a second. Some sort of dust came out, and then I shut it. Piper: Well, from the sounds of the dorm out there, I'd say it was long enough. Shall we go? Hope: Oh, I am not going anywhere with you people. You burst in here talking about Pandora's Box and guardians and witches and god knows what else. (She begins to leave.) Now you expect me to leave with you. Phoebe: Okay, look; I know exactly how you feel. When we first found out we were witches, it was really scary because, well, we didn't have anyone to guide us, but we can help you. You just have to come with us. [Scene: Building. A father stands with his daughter in front of an elevator. The bell dings and the doors open. Paige, a man, and woman stand in there. Daughter goes into the elevator.] Father: Are you sure you don't want me to go down there with you? Daughter: I'm fine, dad. Father: Now, remember; go straight to mommy, okay? She's waiting for you in the lobby. Daughter: Dad... (The whine starts. The doors start to close. A businessman runs over.) Businessman: Hey, hold the doors! (The whining stops. The businessman sticks his briefcase into the elevator doors and they open. He steps in.) Thanks a lot. (He pushes a button. The whining starts.) Daughter: I saw you on my way up, like an hour ago. Paige: Yeah. I've been looking for someone. (The elevator starts going down. The lights flicker and the elevator jerks.) Woman: What's happening? (The elevator lights go out and it stops.) Businessman: Oh, you've gotta be kidding me. (The lights go on. The woman turns to the man.) Man: What? You're going to blame me for this, too? Woman: How dare you even imply that's part of my agenda? Man: I'm not having anything to do with your agenda. Woman: I'm just standing here! I had nothing to do with it. (Daughter hugs Paige.) Daughter: I'm scared. Paige: It's okay. Oh, my god, the ringing stopped. That means... (They stare back at her.) It's one of you. It...you... (She nods.) It stopped. [Scene: Underworld. An energy ball is thrown at Pandora's box. Nothing happens. Katya and a demon are there.] Katya: If my powers couldn't open the box, what would make you think you could? Demon: Hey, at least I didn't let the Guardian go. (Katya sighs.) Katya: There must be a way. Demon: Well, at least now that we've got it, she can't put the sorrow she let out back in. Katya: Yeah, but she didn't let out enough. Within lies the power to destroy cities, crumble empires, devastate all that is good in the world. Demon: All this just to impress Zankou? Hey, just asking. Katya: Oh, for too long I've had to watch lesser demons rewarded, been denied my proper place in the forefront. No. Zankou will no longer be able to deny me after this. Demon: Why don't you just shape shift into a Guardian? Katya: Mmm. Taking the physical form of a Guardian doesn't make me one. No. It will know. Demon: Then what are you going to do? Katya: I'll make her open it for me. (The demon and Katya smile.) [Scene: Manor. Living room. Piper and Leo enter. Phoebe sits with Hope.] Piper: There was nothing in the book on Katya, and scrying for the box did not work. Phoebe: Well, maybe we should try magic school. Hope: Wh...wait. Magic school? What is that? Leo: It's a place where you can learn more about your gifts. Hope: Are you a witch, too? Piper: No, he's a-he's-he's a long story. Leo: One that worked out well. Hope: This is all so complicated. Phoebe: Look, I know this is really hard to understand, but this is what you're meant to do. Hope: No. I'm meant to finish school, party, have fun. I don't even know if I believe in magic. (Wyatt orbs in with his teddy bear. Hope gasps.) Oh! Where did he come from? Piper: Ah... (She chuckles and pulls Wyatt toward her.) Uh, sorry. He's not supposed to do that without permission. Don't scare the pretty girl, okay? (Leo kneels down.) Leo: Okay, pal, listen, why don't you take Wubby upstairs for a little nap, 'kay? (Wyatt orbs out. Hope stands up.) Hope: Oh! I'm getting out of here. (Phoebe stands up.) Phoebe: Hope, wait. Look, there's nothing that I can say that's going to make this any better. Hope: Can't you just make up a spell or something? Phoebe: Sometimes I wish I could, but then I realize all of this, you know, the good and the bad, makes me who I am, you know? (Hope's cell phone rings.) Hope: It's my friend Darcy. I have to help her. Piper: You know, you could help a lot of people by finding that box. Hope: You don't understand. She's like my sister. I have to go. (She heads for the door.) Phoebe: Hope, wait. Hope: No! (She turns around and sends a blast to Phoebe, sending her across the room.) Ohh...my god. (Leo goes over to Phoebe.) Leo: Phoebe, you all right? (Hope runs out of the house.) Piper: Phoebe? You okay? (Phoebe stands up.) Phoebe: God, aren't you tired of asking me that? Piper: It does get a little repetitive. We've got to go get her. Phoebe: It's okay. You can't force her to stay. Besides, she could obviously protect herself. Piper: Well, what are we going to do? Leo: Well, you've got to get the box back before Katya opens it. [Scene: Elevator. The woman is arguing with someone on the other end of the elevator box.] Woman: How are we supposed to stay calm? We're stuck! Man: Linda, please. (Businessman loosens his tie.) Female Voice: Ma'am, all I can say is we're doing everything we can. Linda: Well, it's not good enough. (Paige is on her cell phone.) Paige: No, I said I'm trapped. There's people all around. [Cut to Manor. Conservatory. Leo's on the phone.] Leo: What did you say? I can't hear you. Paige: I said, I'm trapped in an elevator. I can't just up and go. Besides, I don't want this ringing in my ears to come back. Leo: Wait, it stopped? When? Paige: Right when we got stuck. Leo: All right, then never mind. You need to stay there. Paige: No, wait, what about, uh... Leo: No. Your sisters can handle it. To help, and that's what you need to do. Paige: Okay. Who am I supposed to help? (The phone gets disconnected. Leo hangs up.) [Cut to Paige.] Paige: (to phone) Leo! Leo? (She hangs up.) Ohh! Damn these phones. Businessman: Yeah, mine's dead, too. (He sighs.) Looks like we're going to be here for a while, huh? (Linda tries the voice box again.) Linda: Are you still there? Hello?! Answer me! Man: Honey, why don't you just let them do their job? Linda: Don't 'honey' me. If it weren't for you, we wouldn't even be here. Man: Oh, so now this is my fault? (Businessman rolls his eyes.) Man: You know, you were the one who wanted to go into counseling, not me. Businessman: I think the natives are getting restless, huh? (Daughter huddles by Paige.) Paige: Hmm. Yeah. Looks like. Businessman: So, what's your name? Paige: I'm Paige. (Mutters) Please don't let this be the person I have to help. (Businessman steps away.) Businessman: Oh, all right. Paige: (To daughter) It's kind of nuts we're being stuck here like this, right? Daughter: I want my mommy. Paige: Oh, sweetheart, I know you do, but you know what? We're going to be just fine, I promise. Daughter: How do you know? Paige: Well, because I know things like that. (Daughter coughs.) Honey, y-you okay? Daughter: I have asthma. Paige: Fantastic. But I bet you have an inhaler in that pretty little purse of yours, right? Daughter: My mommy has it. Paige: Of course she does. (Businessman climbs up to check the roof.) What are you doing? Businessman: I'm trying to get us the hell out of here. (He starts hitting the ceiling.) Paige: Brilliant idea. Businessman: Well, at least it's an idea. Man: No, she's right, you know. You could get hurt. Linda: At least he's doing something, Roger. Roger: What is that supposed to mean? Linda: You're acting like a little girl, Roger. (Daughter huddles closer to Paige.) Roger: I am not acting like a little girl. Linda: We're stuck in this elevator, and what are we supposed to do? Do you need your mother, Roger? Roger: Good luck. You'll have better luck with her, you know? [Scene: UC Berkeley. Hope's room. Hope enters.] Hope: Okay, Darcy? I'm here. (Kayta, from behind the door, closes it.) Katya: Mm-hmmm. (She holds Darcy's cell phone.) Wonderful devices these things. It makes luring someone into a trap so...twenty-first century. Hope: Where's Darcy? Katya: Oh... (She plays with Hope's hair.) You'll see. (She disappears.) [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Magic School. Piper looks through books. Phoebe walks in with scrolls.] Phoebe: You'd think there'd be something about Pandora's box in a place called Magic School. Piper: Leo's been reorganizing. (Phoebe opens a book.) Phoebe: Well, maybe we should get him to help us. Piper: No, he's busy. Phoebe: Busy doing what? What could be more important than this? Piper: Globally, nothing. Personally, I need him to wrangle Wyatt for a day so he can see what I'm talking about. Phoebe: Piper, you know what Wyatt is going through is completely normal. Piper: No, temper tantrums are normal. Uncontrollable crying is normal. Orbing all over town is not normal. Phoebe: He's not orbing all over town. Piper: Not yet. Look, it's not that I have a problem with him being magical, because if I did I would've bound his powers at birth. It's just that he needs to learn that he can't use his powers whenever he wants to, and Leo needs to understand that, too. Phoebe: I think he does. I just think he deals with it differently. Piper: Well, we'll see how Mr. Mom deals with it after he's been chasing around the kid now that Leo can't orb. Phoebe: You guys will figure it out. Piper: You know, you have been much more optimistic lately. Phoebe: Yeah, I guess I have hope. I mean, we lost Hope the person, but I have, you know... Piper: I got it. I found something. Phoebe: About the box? Piper: No, the demon. Nothing new. Says she's a shape-shifter. Phoebe: Yeah, we found out about that the hard way. Won't happen again. Piper: She used to work for Demonic Dark Lords, then she went rogue. How very enterprising of her. Phoebe: She probably just wants to make a name for herself. Piper: Why is it that every demon who is trying to make a name for themself has to go and try to end the world? Phoebe: Why don't we ponder that fact while we scry for her? (She starts scrying.) Piper: Well, even if we find her, we have no way of getting there. We're short an orber. Phoebe: Well, we'll have to come up with something. I mean, this place is called magic school for a reason, right? [Scene: Underworld. Hope and Kayta are there. Kayta smiles.] Katya: I won't hurt you, Hope. I promise. I know you're new to all this, and I know all this can be very scary. Hope: Where's Darcy? She's not a part of this. Katya: Isn't she? I mean, she's merely a pawn in all this. A pawn like you are. Whatever they told you, I know it was a lot to handle. You know, I've been told that I'm part of something. A greater purpose I think they called it. But you know what? It was all a lie. I mean, who the hell do they think they are, ruining your life like this, telling you that you're meant to watch after Pandora's box? Hope: I don't even know what it really is. Katya: You shouldn't have to know. You didn't ask for this. You don't want it. It's unfair. Hope: I just want my life back. Katya: And I can help you get it back. All you have to do is help me. Open the box and you'll be free from it...forever. Hope: But won't that... Katya: End all this craziness? Well, that's what you want, isn't it? To go home...with your friend? Go ahead. Open the box. (Whispers are heard. Hope hesitates.) Hope: No...I can't. I won't. Katya: Fine. I tried asking you nicely. Now I'll have to make you do it. Lucius! (Kayta's demon appears in the doorway with Darcy. She's crying.) Hope: Darcy? Darcy: I'm scared! (They disappear. Darcy screams.) I'm scared! Hope: Don't hurt her. Katya: You know what I want. [Scene: Elevator. Businessman tries to find a way out.] Paige: What are you doing? Are you out of your mind? What if the elevator starts? Businessman: Relax, sweetheart. I know what I'm doing. (He opens a panel. Roger tries to open the doors. Linda is still arguing.) Linda: Hello! Is anybody there? What's going on? (Daughter struggles to breathe.) What is taking so long? (Paige goes to her.) Paige: Okay, honey, I need you to breathe. Just breathe. (Roger hits the doors.) Roger: Damn it! (Linda scoffs.) Linda: Big man. Paige: Can you two get along for two seconds? Linda: Hasn't happened in three years. Why do you think we're in marriage counseling? Roger: Do you have to air out all our problems? Linda: Oh, airing out our problems is your biggest concern? (Businessman gets zapped and falls unconscious. Roger pulls Linda aside.) Oh, my god! (Paige goes and checks on Businessman.) Paige: Uh...okay. (She kneels down.) He's not breathing. Roger: Oh, god. (Paige checks his pulse.) Paige: There's no pulse. (Daughter starts coughing and falls to the ground.) Linda: Oh, my god. (She rushes over to daughter.) Come on, sweetie. (She sits her up.) Roger: What are we going to do? Paige: (To Roger) Do you know CPR? Roger: No. Paige: Well, I need you to get down here and help me. You're going to learn. Roger: All right. (Roger kneels down.) Paige: (To Linda) I need you to sing to her. Linda: Sing? Paige: Just sing. Get her breathing in order. (Daughter gasps for breathe.) Anything. Just sing. (Linda holds daughter and starts singing "Hush Little Baby".) I need you to put two fingers above the xyphoid process. (Paige puts Roger's hands on Businessman's chest.) Roger: The what? Linda: Honey...you can do this, honey. (Roger nods.) Roger: All right. Linda: Come on. (She starts singing again.) Paige: Push down five times for every breath. Roger: Right. Paige: Go. Roger: One, two, three, four, five... Linda: Come on. Sing with me. (Daughter starts singing with her.) Paige: Good. Good job. (Daughter's breathing calms down. Linda smiles.) Linda: Good. (Roger compresses on Businessman's chest. He starts coughing.) Roger: He's alive. Okay. He's alive. Paige: Good job. (The elevator jolts. The lights shut off.) Linda: Oh, god! (The elevator shakes. The lights go on and the elevator door opens. Father is there.) Father: Wendy! Daughter: Daddy! (She goes and gives her parents a hug.) Paige: (to Businessman) You okay? (The EMTs peer into the elevator.) He was electrocuted. We gave him CPR. (Roger gets up. He and Linda hug.) Businessman: (To Paige) Thanks. (Paige sighs.) [Scene: Underworld. The box whispers to Hope.] Katya: Open it...or your friend dies. (Hope opens the box. Black dust rises up and gives an explosion, sending Hope to the floor. The black cloud leaves. Katya smiles, laughs, and pulls out a dagger.) It's done. Hope: But you said... Katya: That I wasn't going to hurt you? Yeah. I lied. (The demon appears in the doorway.) Since the next Guardian hasn't been born yet and with you dead, there won't be anyone around to put everything back. (She throws the dagger. Hope blasts the dagger away and stands up. Piper and Phoebe appear.) Piper: We're too late. (She blows the demon up. Hope gasps. Katya takes the box and disappears.) Minions! Phoebe: Hope, what are you doing here? Hope: She forced me to open the box. She took my friend Darcy. Piper: Where is she? (Hope points.) Hope: That way. (They go in that direction.) [Cut to Darcy. She sits in a cave crying. Katya appears and kneels down. She throws Darcy in the back. Katya smiles.] Hope: (from other room) Darcy! Where are you! (Katya sits down.) Phoebe: (from other room) Darcy? (Katya takes a deep breath.) Darcy! (Katya starts crying.) Hope: (from other room) Darcy, where are you? (She shape shifts into Darcy. Phoebe and Hope run up with Piper.) Katya: Get me out of here. (Hope nods.) [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Manor. Attic. The sisters, Hope, and Katya (disguised as Darcy) are there.] Paige: Okay, well, I guess your day trumps my day. Thanks for bringing me home to clean up the mess, though. Is anybody else feeling blue? Phoebe: It's the effects of the box being opened. Piper: Okay, there's still a demon on the loose, and the longer he is, the more we're all going to be affected. Katya: Yeah, exactly. Um, this is crazy. We need to leave. Phoebe: You're safer here. (Katya shakes her head.) Katya: No. Hope: It's okay, Darcy. They can protect us. Katya: Hope, that thing was trying to kill us. She wants to kill them. We're sitting ducks here. Piper: Not as much as you are out there. As long as Katya knows that Hope can put all the evils back in the box, she is a very large target. Phoebe: Which means you are, too. Katya: No, not if she doesn't go along with it. Look, no one says that you even have to care about this stupid box anymore. Paige: Actually, she does. You see, because it's her birthright. Katya: Says you. (Paige rolls her eyes.) Hope, listen to me, okay? We don't even know these people. For all we know, they could be the demon. Piper: Ah! That's ridiculous. Katya: Is it? She's done it before. That's what she does, right? (To sisters) Right? Hope, we can only trust each other. Hope: You're right. Piper: Hope... Phoebe: No, actually, I think she is right. Paige: Phoebe! Phoebe: We can't make her do something she doesn't want to do. This is her path to either follow or not. But before you leave, Hope; let Paige show you how to contact us, god forbid anything. (To Piper and Katya) We'll see you downstairs. (Piper takes Katya and leaves.) [Cut downstairs. Leo holds Chris.] Leo: Wyatt? (Piper and Katya come down. Piper smiles.) What's going on? Piper: I'm not sure. Where's Wyatt? Leo: Um...he, uh... (A noise comes from the kitchen. Wyatt giggles. Piper smiles.) Excuse me. Piper: Sure. (Leo leaves.) Katya: What's taking them so long up there? Piper: I don't know. What's your hurry? Katya: I just want to get out of here as soon as possible. Piper: Uh-huh. (Hope and Phoebe come downstairs.) Hope: Okay, let's go. (Hope and Katya start to leave.) Piper: I hope you know what you're doing. Phoebe: Trust me. [Cut to front porch. Hope and Katya exit. Katya glares at Hope.] Hope: What? What's the matter? (Katya grabs Hope's hair.) Katya: This is getting to be way too easy. (She shape shifts back into herself, laughs, and disappears.) [Cut to cave. Darcy is asleep. Katya and Hope appear. She tosses her away. Darcy opens her eyes.] Darcy: Hope. Hope: I'm okay. Katya: Actually, not for long. Hope: Okay, you heard me say it, and I meant it. I do not want anything to do with that box. I swear! Katya: But you will...in time. You'll come to believe in yourself, your powers, just like Pandora did. And then you'll want to get the box back, put the sorrows back...but, see, I can't let that happen. (She takes out a dagger. Hope stands up.) Hope: You won't have a choice. (Katya laughs. Darcy stands up.) Katya: What? You think you can stop me? (She throws the dagger.) Hope: Dagger! (The dagger orbs and hits the wall.) Katya: But...Guardians can't orb! Hope: No, but Whitelighters can, and into anything they want, too...or anybody. (She orbs into Paige.) Paige: Sorry we haven't met before, but I've been otherwise engaged! (She throws a potion at Katya. She is vanquished.) Darcy: What-what is going on here?! Paige: It's okay. It's okay. I'm here to get you home, all right? Pandora's box! (It orbs to Paige.) I need you to give this to Hope for me. I'd give it to her myself, but there's somebody I have to see. (She waves her hand.) Home! (Darcy orbs out.) [Cut to Manor. Attic. Piper, Phoebe, and Hope are there. Darcy orbs in.] Piper: Darcy? Darcy: Will someone tell me what the hell is going on here? Hope: That's her. (Phoebe takes the box and smiles.) Phoebe: Just didn't want to make the same mistake twice. Okay, Hope, we need your help. You're the only person that can do this. (She gives the box to Hope.) Hope: I don't... Phoebe: Listen to me. This is your destiny. Piper: Just like becoming witches was ours. Hope: I just...uh, don't know if I can do this. Darcy: You're forgetting something about Pandora's box. According to myth, when all the sorrows are released, there was one thing left at the bottom of the box-hope. Phoebe: You can do it. (Hope opens the box. The black dust comes and swirls around, then goes back into the box. It closes.) Told you you could do it. Hope: Thank you. [Scene: Golden Gate Bridge. Paige is there. Female Elder orbs in.] Female Elder: How are the ears? Paige: Better, thank you. It was pretty risky of you, sending me off to help a future Whitelighter. Female Elder: Was it? Paige: Yes. We almost didn't get Pandora's box. Female Elder: But you did get it back. Paige: Yes. Female Elder: Which proves that you can handle both your Charmed and your Whitelighter responsibilities. Paige: I don't see what that has to do with... Female Elder: Didn't it make you feel so proud, accomplishing what you did in that elevator? Paige: Of course, I did. Female Elder: And you did it all by yourself, without your sisters. Maybe this is what you have been searching for, Paige, your separate identity. Being a Whitelighter can give you that and much more. Paige: Like what? Female Elder: Fulfillment. You're a natural, Paige. Everything you've been and done in your life has been preparing you to be a Whitelighter. Everything you needed to help those people has been inside of you all along. Paige: Well, it did feel good to save them. Female Elder: Then don't fight that. Embrace it, not for me, not for the Elders, but for yourself. Think about it? (Female Elder smiles.) Paige: Wait. Just out of curiosity, who was the future Whitelighter I was supposed to save? Female Elder: You were. (Paige chuckles. Female Elder orbs out.) [Scene: Manor. Conservatory. Leo holds Chris. He gives Wyatt, who's on the floor, a ball. Piper walks in.] Piper: So how was your day? Leo: Very funny. Actually, it was all right. It calmed down a bit once Wyatt tried to orb a toy to himself and hit himself in the head. Piper: Oh, no. Leo: It's okay. It was just a little bump, but it was enough to teach him that he shouldn't do it again. Piper: Is that your way of telling me that magical boys will be magical boys again? Leo: No. You know, we both need to teach him when and where to use his powers, though it's not going to be easy. Piper: And on the other hand, we do need to realize that he is who he is, and even though I want a normal family. (She sits down.) I don't want it at the expense of them finding their own identities. Leo: Well, uh, Chris here is going to be coming into his powers shortly. It could get a little nuts around here. Piper: As opposed to what? (Leo chuckles.) Leo: Yeah. Piper: We'll deal with it as it comes, together. And until then... (To Wyatt) Why don't you show mommy all those cool tricks you've been learning? Go ahead. It's okay. (Wyatt uses his power to move his toys.)

The Charmed Ones are in a race against time when the mythological Pandora's Box falls into the hands of Katya, a shape shifting demon who intends to open the box and fill the world with all of the evils, illnesses, diseases, sorrows and toils contained within. Phoebe and Piper try to find Hope, the Guardian who can return any released evils to the box. Meanwhile, Paige's Whitelighter side starts to grow stronger and she is able to hear the Elder's call. At Leo and an Elder named Sandra's suggestion, Paige is sent to save a future Whitelighter and gets trapped in an elevator with people she has to save. She does so and returns home in time to help out. Using her new Whitelighter powers, Paige disguises herself as Hope and tricks Kataya. Paige vanquishes her, saves Hope's friend Darcy and sends her home with Pandora's Box where Hope is able to return all of the sorrows to where they belong. Paige meets with Sandra who reveals that Paige herself was the future Whitelighter she was meant to save and says that Paige has proved she can handle Whitelighter duties as well as Charmed ones. Sandra tells her that being a Whitelighter can be very fulfilling for her and suggests to Paige that perhaps being a Whitelighter is the life separate from magic she was looking for.

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PLANET OF THE DALEKS BY: TERRY NATION 5:50pm - 6:15pm [SCENE_BREAK] 1: INT. DALEK CITY. COOLING CHAMBER DOCTOR: It's lifting! It's beginning to lift! (The four jerk slightly as the parachute starts to climb.) DOCTOR: Hang on tight! TARON: I got... DOCTOR: Hang on! TARON: It's going... (The four are lifted off the ground and upwards. The thudding sound is still coming from the door as...) [SCENE_BREAK] 2: INT. DALEK CITY. LEVEL ZERO CORRIDOR (...as on the other side, the DALEKS batter away at it.) [SCENE_BREAK] 3: INT. DALEK CITY. COOLING CHAMBER (Only the legs of the four can now be seen as the chute moves further upwards. The cut arch in the door comes down and the DALEKS start to glide in...just as the feet of the four move up out of sight. The DALEKS look round the empty room and the one with the cutting blade as an arm states the obvious...) FIRST DALEK: Escape from this section is impossible. The prisoners are hiding. Locate and destroy. They are to be exterminated! (The DALEKS look round the empty room in bafflement.) [SCENE_BREAK] 4: INT. COOLING SHAFT (The chute slowly climbs with the four hanging desperately on. REBEC looks down and then, wishing she hadn't, closes her eyes.) TARON: How far have we come? DOCTOR: Well, it's hard to tell. Let's hope we're high enough to be out of range. [SCENE_BREAK] 5: INT. DALEK CITY. COOLING CHAMBER (One of the DALEKS has at last looked upwards.) SECOND DALEK: Prisoners located! Prisoners located! (The others swing round to look as the SECOND DALEK aims upwards with its gun and fires.) [SCENE_BREAK] 6: INT. COOLING SHAFT (The force of the blast fails to reach the four in the shaft.) DOCTOR: Yes, we are out of range. That's a relief. You alright, Rebec? REBEC: I can't stand heights. I daren't look down. TARON: Just keep your eyes closed and hang on tight. You'll be alright. CODAL: Any idea how far to the surface? DOCTOR: Miles, I should think. Don't forget we started at the lowest level of the city. Should be a long slow haul. [SCENE_BREAK] 7: INT. DALEK CITY. COOLING CHAMBER FIRST DALEK: A patrol will ascend to surface level and proceed immediately to the point where the shaft emerges. Patrol will require to travel at maximum speed to reach the point before prisoners escape. (A DALEK glides out to carry out the order.) FIRST DALEK: An anti-gravitational disc is to be brought here at once. SECOND DALEK: I obey. [SCENE_BREAK] 8: JUNGLE. ROCKFACE (The three DALEKS with the map of the explosives carry on through the jungle, failing to see that JO is managing to keep up with them. She hides behind some tall reeds and watches as the DALEKS approach a rockface. One of them moves forward and moves its sucker arm over a niche in the rocks.) FIRST DALEK: Explosives located - assist. (The DALEK with the map moves backwards to allow the third forward to assist. JO watches. The one with the map senses something and turns towards JO'S hiding place. She ducks down. The DALEK glides forward but doesn't search far and glides back to the other two DALEKS. In the meantime, they have managed to uncover the three bombs and placed them on a rockshelf.) FIRST DALEK: The explosives are equipped with detonating mechanisms. SECOND DALEK: We will detonate them here - activate mechanism. (JO watches again.) FIRST DALEK: All mechanisms primed. The bombs will self-detonate. SECOND DALEK: We will return to the city. (As the DALEKS move off, scree falls downwards from the rockface. JO crouches down even further as the DALEKS glide past. Once they have gone, she steps out of hiding and moves across to the bombs. She hesitates and then starts to turn the timing mechanism on the first bomb to the "off" position. She does the same with the second. More scree starts to fall on top of her. She reaches out for the third bomb, when the rockfall becomes more serious and a small boulder lands on top of her head. She is instantly knocked unconscious to the ground - leaving the timer on the third bomb ticking away...) [SCENE_BREAK] 9: INT. COOLING SHAFT (The four escapees move further upwards.) DOCTOR: You know, after this, I think I must take up hot-air ballooning. It really is most exhilarating. REBEC: I'd prefer a rocket to take me off this planet. DOCTOR: Ah, cheer up, my dear. Just you hang on tight - we're perfectly safe. (They fail to see that one corner of the plastic is starting to tear where the rope is attached.) [SCENE_BREAK] 10: INT. DALEK CITY. COOLING CHAMBER (Hundreds of feet down below, a small ramp has been placed directly under the shaft opening. Within it are a series of flashing lights. The six DALEKS assembled wait...) SECOND DALEK: Anti-gravitational disc in position. Energy level building to lift-off capacity. Prepare for ascent. (One of the DALEKS glides up the ramp and onto the disc.) SECOND DALEK: Lift off. (The DALEK starts to rise upwards.) [SCENE_BREAK] 11: EXT. JUNGLE (Three more DALEKS, on their mission to intercept the four escapees at the end of their journey, glide through the jungle.) FIRST DALEK: We are nearing the top of the shaft. Central command reports prisoners still in shaft. [SCENE_BREAK] 12: JUNGLE. ROCKFACE (JO is still unconscious. The timer on the third bomb is almost at the detonation point. At last, JO starts to slowly recover. Holding her head, she struggles into a sitting position. Her face looks cloudy as she looks round and takes in her surroundings. Suddenly she remembers and looks upwards. She jumps up and grabs the two unprimed bombs and runs off with them - just as the three DALEKS on their way to the shaft exit glide up. JO dives behind a wall of rock to shield her from the blast as the third bomb explodes - destroying the three DALEKS. Carrying the two bombs, JO steps over the wreckage of the three DALEKS as the wildlife in the jungle cries out in a panic at the blast.) [SCENE_BREAK] 13: INT. COOLING SHAFT (The DALEK on the anti-gravitational disc moves further up the shaft. TARON looks down and sees its distant shape.) TARON: Doctor? There's something coming up after us. (The DOCTOR looks down.) DOCTOR: Well, its rate of ascent doesn't seem much faster than ours. We should reach the surface before it can catch up with us. (The tear in the plastic is getting longer. REBEC sees it.) REBEC: Doctor - look! (The DOCTOR looks up. The tear is on his rope.) DOCTOR: The whole thing's going! Get on the side! (The plastic tears. The DOCTOR jumps. Running down the side of the shaft are four ridges at each corner like ladder steps. The DOCTOR grabs one as he falls and desperately hangs on. The DALEK is still coming up.) [SCENE_BREAK] 14: EXT. JUNGLE. SHAFT EXIT (The shaft emerges into the jungle through a raised area against a rockface. Using the handholds, CODAL, TARON and REBEC make it to the surface and climb out on three sides of the shaft. They look back downwards as they start to loosen their supplies of rope which hang off their belts.) REBEC: Taron - quickly! [SCENE_BREAK] 15: INT. COOLING SHAFT (The DOCTOR has grabbed the very lowest of the ridges and therefore has no foothold. He strains to pull himself upwards as the DALEK gets nearer.) [SCENE_BREAK] 16: EXT. JUNGLE. SHAFT EXIT CODAL: The Dalek's only just below him! (TARON starts to lower his rope into the shaft.) [SCENE_BREAK] 17: INT. COOLING SHAFT (The end comes down and dangles inches above the DOCTOR. Holding on with one hand, he tries to reach for the rope with the other.) REBEC: (OOV: At the shaft exit.) He can't reach it! [SCENE_BREAK] 18: EXT. JUNGLE. SHAFT EXIT CODAL: I'll try mine. (CODAL dangles his rope downwards.) [SCENE_BREAK] 19: INT. COOLING SHAFT (As the DALEK gets nearer, CODAL'S rope reaches the DOCTOR. He has tied the end into a loop which the DOCTOR manages to step into. He lets go of the side and grabs the rope.) DOCTOR: Right! [SCENE_BREAK] 20: EXT. JUNGLE. SHAFT EXIT (CODAL has put the rope round his own neck as TARON helps heave it upwards.) [SCENE_BREAK] 21: INT. COOLING SHAFT (The DOCTOR gets near the top.) [SCENE_BREAK] 22: EXT. JUNGLE. SHAFT EXIT TARON: Get on the step! Codal! CODAL: It got it! (TARON leaves CODAL to take the reduced strain on the rope and reaches into the shaft for the DOCTOR.) TARON: Give me your hand! (He takes the DOCTOR'S hand as he starts to emerge from the shaft. The strain on the rope now gone, CODAL is able to join TARON.) TARON: Come on, Doctor, that's it! (The DOCTOR'S head and shoulders come over the edge.) [SCENE_BREAK] 23: INT. COOLING SHAFT (The DALEK is also near the top.) [SCENE_BREAK] 24: EXT. JUNGLE. SHAFT EXIT (Leaving TARON with the escaping DOCTOR, CODAL joins REBEC who is with some heavy rocks on the other side of the shaft. They each strain at a rock and push them down into the shaft.) [SCENE_BREAK] 25: INT. COOLING SHAFT (The rocks hit the DALEK, sending both it and its disc plummeting back down to level zero with a large crash and a shower of debris.) [SCENE_BREAK] 26: EXT. JUNGLE. SHAFT EXIT (As the smoke comes upwards, the Thals look downwards in exultation...) REBEC: We've done it! CODAL: Well done, Rebec. We've made it! TARON: Thanks to the Doctor. DOCTOR: Yes, well I think we ought to postpone the celebrations until we're in a slightly safer area. Come on. TARON: Yeah... (They run off the shaft platform.) [SCENE_BREAK] 27: INT. DALEK CITY. CONTROL ROOM (Eight DALEKS are assembled in the control room being addressed by the DALEK LEADER.) DALEK LEADER: Whilst the aliens are at liberty, a full state of emergency will be maintained. Normal operations will be suspended. Spiridon slave workers will cooperate with Dalek patrols in saturation level search. The aliens must be located and destroyed! [SCENE_BREAK] 28: EXT. JUNGLE (JO is making her way through the jungle with the bombs when she hears voices. She puts the bombs down in some long grass and presses herself up against a tree and waits. TARON walks past, his gun ready but the figure who follows him is a much more welcome sight. She runs towards him joyfully.) JO: Doctor! DOCTOR: (Amazed.) Jo! (Just as delighted, he hugs her. JO steps back and looks at him, babbling with delight as the Thals look on with some bemusement.) JO: (Overjoyed.) Oh, Doctor, I thought...I thought you were dead! I thought...oh, I don't know what I thought! I'm so pleased to see you! DOCTOR: Jo, you were in that Thal spaceship?! I saw it destroyed! JO: No, I wasn't. DOCTOR: But you were! JO: No, I wasn't. Look, Doctor, what's been happening? Where've you been? DOCTOR: Well, it's a long story and there were a few moments that were a trifle worrying... CODAL: A trifle worrying? (The Thals laugh.) DOCTOR: You know Codal and Taron, don't you? JO: (Nods.) Yes. DOCTOR: I don't think you've met Rebec? JO: Hello. REBEC: Hello. JO: Look, Doctor, the last I'd heard about you, you'd been captured by the Daleks, right? DOCTOR: Yeah, but... (JO races away with her questions as the DOCTOR tries manfully to interrupt her...) JO: And I was told that they were going to take you b... DOCTOR: Yes, I know that... JO: Because they're doing all these experiments... DOCTOR: Now look, Jo, please... JO: ...and then I thought you were going to be in them... (The DOCTOR cups her face in his hands.) DOCTOR: Alright, Jo...Jo! Jo! Jo! JO: I didn't know what I was going to do...! (JO at last falls silent.) DOCTOR: Please? (The Thals smile.) DOCTOR: (To TARON.) Look, will you excuse us for a moment? My friend has rather a lot to talk about! TARON: Of course. (The DOCTOR leads JO across the clearing. She immediately starts up again.) JO: Doctor, wait till you hear what happened to me! It was te...and then I got rescued by this bowl! (Left behind, TARON and REBEC sit down. They eat small pieces of food concentrates but TARON is silent.) REBEC: You might say you're glad to see me? TARON: I might. Why did you come? REBEC: I was part of the back-up crew. I was trained and ready - I had no choice. (CODAL joins them.) TARON: That's not true. There were dozens of other people trained to the same state of readiness as you. You could have backed out. REBEC: Why should I? I wanted to come on the first landing, and you made sure I was kept out of your crew. So when the chance came, I took it. (There is an uncomfortable silence.) CODAL: Look...I...I think one of us ought to keep watch. I'll take the first stretch. (He moves off.) TARON: (To REBEC.) You shouldn't have come! REBEC: Now I'm here, we're together again - and there's nothing you can do about it. TARON: But don't you realise what you've done? Can't you see the position you've put me in? I mean, not counting Jo and the Doctor, there's only five of us left now. Five of us out of two missions! And somehow we've got to achieve what we set out to do. We must destroy the Daleks! REBEC: And how does my being here change that? TARON: Because... (He sighs.) TARON: Because I love you. I can't convert you into a cypher. But from now on, every judgment I make will be clouded. I'll even hesitate to take the right risks because I'll be worrying about you. (REBEC shakes her head.) REBEC: I'm sorry. I didn't think of it like that. I didn't understand. TARON: Well you might understand this - your being here might be the very reason the Daleks win. (REBEC looks at him. He sighs and moves off.) [SCENE_BREAK] 29: INT. DALEK CITY. LABORATORY (Beyond the window in the laboratory that overlooks the control room, two DALEKS confer...) FIRST DALEK: Our patrols report no contact with the aliens. Temperatures falling rapidly. SECOND DALEK: The search will continue. FIRST DALEK: I obey. SECOND DALEK: Supreme Command has decreed that we prepare a bacteriological culture that will destroy all living tissue. Daleks and Spiridon slave workers will be given immunity to the disease. (Within the laboratory is a large glass tank. In the base of it is a pile of vegetation with a yellow spongy fungus growing on it.) FIRST DALEK: If the aliens are not taken, the bacteria is to be released. Without immunity, no living thing can survive the disease. All will be exterminated! [SCENE_BREAK] 30: EXT. JUNGLE (The DOCTOR and JO sit in the jungle as they talk. An upset REBEC is still sat nearby.) DOCTOR: But, Jo, why on earth didn't you stay in the TARDIS? We'd have been safe there. JO: Well, Doctor, you didn't look very safe. Well, I thought you were dying and I went out to try and find some help for you. DOCTOR: On a planet full of Daleks? Well surely I warned you? JO: Well, Doctor, you didn't tell me anything. You just rushed into the TARDIS, you...you rattled off some sort of a message and...well, then you flaked out. DOCTOR: Did I? JO: (Nods.) Uh huh. DOCTOR: Oh, I'm sorry, Jo. I'm afraid I wasn't myself. JO: Doctor? DOCTOR: Mmm? JO: What did you say to the Time Lords in your message? DOCTOR: Well, I told them about the Dalek spaceship leaving the Ogron planet and told them to send the TARDIS after it. JO: But what are the Daleks doing on this planet? DOCTOR: They've got an army based here, Jo - the mightiest army of Daleks there's ever been. JO: But...but when we were on the Ogron planet, we...we put a stop to their plan to sort of cause a war? DOCTOR: Well, evidently that was only part of their plan - to make their conquest easier perhaps? Well, with an army this size, we now know they intend to invade the galaxy anyway - unless we can stop them. JO: Just us? DOCTOR: Well, and our Thal friends. (Looking over to the group, he catches sight of the upset REBEC.) DOCTOR: Oh dear. (To JO, quietly.) Perhaps a female shoulder to cry on might come in handy? JO: (Smiles.) Right. DOCTOR: Give it a try, will you? JO: Yes. (With a smile on her face, JO moves up to REBEC and starts quietly chatting. The DOCTOR moves across the clearing to where a distracted TARON stares into space.) DOCTOR: The load getting a little heavy? (TARON gives a rueful smile.) TARON: I don't think I'm equipped to handle all this any more. DOCTOR: Oh, why? Just because you've found out that you're not made of stone? TARON: This job doesn't allow for human weakness. DOCTOR: Then they should have sent a machine, shouldn't they? TARON: I thought they had. I was wrong. DOCTOR: Good, because the business of command is not for a machine, is it? The moment that we forget that we're dealing with people, then we're no better off than the machines that we came here to destroy. When we start acting and thinking like the Daleks, Taron, the battle is lost. (TARON frowns in thought at the DOCTOR'S words. Before he can react further, he hears something.) TARON: Someone coming! (With a low whistle of a signal, CODAL comes into the clearing.) CODAL: Look who I found. (VABER and LATEP are right behind him.) TARON: (To VABER.) What happened to you? VABER: What happened to you? We saw the ice eruption and assumed you hadn't made it. LATEP: We went to the entrance of the city anyway. VABER: I wanted to take a chance - make a rush, but we found our bomb was faulty. LATEP: So we had to go back to get the other bomb, to find some Daleks had been there before us and blown themselves up. JO: Well, I managed to get two of the bombs before that. I've hidden them. DOCTOR: Well done, Jo. If those two are alright, we at least have a chance. TARON: We must move on. It'll be dark soon. CODAL: And cold. You haven't experienced a full Spiridon night, Doctor. You don't know what cold is until you have. DOCTOR: Then we must find shelter. VABER: Right, but not here. There are Daleks and Spiridon slave workers making a terrific sweep across the jungle - not that far behind us. TARON: Well prepare to move. We'll go to the plain of stones. JO: Plain of stones? CODAL: Yes, it's an area of huge boulders. They absorb the heat of the sun and then discharge it at night. DOCTOR: You know, this planet never ceases to amaze me. First we find a gigantic refrigerator and now night storage heaters. It really sounds quite luxurious. CODAL: Not exactly, Doctor. All the animal life from the jungle goes there as well. (JO looks alarmed at this prospect.) DOCTOR: Oh, that's nice. Right, let's get going. (VABER and CODAL move off, following TARON and REBEC.) DOCTOR: Jo, where did you hide the bombs? JO: I'll get them. LATEP: Let me help you. JO: They're here. (JO shows him the bombs in the grass. The young Thal seems attracted to JO.) LATEP: We...haven't met properly. I am Latep. JO: I'm Jo. How do you do? (She takes his hand. It hangs limp in hers.) JO: Oh...oh. You don't know about a handshake? Well, you see, it's an old Earth custom. We clasp hands like that and...it shows that we're good friends and that we're pleased to meet one another. (LATEP smiles as they hold hands.) JO: Come on. (Carrying the bombs, they follow the others.) [SCENE_BREAK] 31: EXT. JUNGLE (NIGHT) (Night is falling again. Several DALEKS and fur-covered Spiridons move through the darkened jungle. Crouched in the bushes, the DOCTOR, JO, CODAL and LATEP watch them.) DOCTOR: (Whispers.) What are those animals? CODAL: (Quietly.) They're not animals, Doctor - Spiridons. They wear those furs against the cold. DOCTOR: (Quietly.) That's good. At least we can see them now. Did you notice anything peculiar about the Daleks, Jo? JO: Not particularly - why? DOCTOR: Only that their movements seem to be slower. LATEP: Well, fast enough to kill us on sight, Doctor. CODAL: Almost as though their mechanical reflexes weren't functioning properly. DOCTOR: Yes, but the reason? The reason is the important thing. CODAL: They're out of range now. I think we can chance a move. JO: Come on, let's do it. I'm freezing! (They move onwards.) [SCENE_BREAK] 32: EXT. PLAIN OF STONES (NIGHT) (The plain of stones is a barren area of rocks and crags. The night sky is illuminated by the Spiridon version of the aurora borealis whilst the stones themselves glow slightly in the moonlight. The DOCTOR and JO walk into the plain, followed by the Thals. The group immediately stands right up against various of the stones, absorbing their heat. Suddenly, they hear the sound of the flapping of huge wings and they duck down as a shadow shoots over them and a roar echoes over the area. The danger having passed, they look upwards.) REBEC: What was that? TARON: I don't know. We've heard them before - never seen them. Latep, take first guard. (LATEP moves off to carry out the order.) TARON: Doctor? DOCTOR: Yes...yes, of course. TARON: Do you mind? DOCTOR: Come on, Jo. Come and keep me company. JO: Alright. (They move off as VABER starts to harangue TARON with his usual mantra...) VABER: I hate this running and hiding. We need to attack - and soon! TARON: I'll decide when - and how. VABER: You've been putting off this attack since we got here. What do you want - a guarantee of safety? TARON: No, I just want the best possible guarantee of success. Any attempt that fails is worth nothing! (VABER walks off in a sulk. TARON crouches down near VABER.) TARON: Codal, that giant refrigeration unit - what did you make of it? CODAL: It was neutron powered... TARON: Yeah... CODAL: Could run for a thousand years. I'm convinced that somehow it's vital to the Dalek's survival. TARON: Why do they need such low temperatures? CODAL: I can't answer that...but I am sure that refrigeration unit is the key to our attack. (VABER returns having heard this.) VABER: Are you saying is we destroy the refrigeration plant, we destroy the Daleks? CODAL: Yes...yes, I think it would wipe them out. VABER: Then that's it! That's the way we do it! We go in through the shaft you came out of - or better still, we lower the bombs down. TARON: The Daleks wouldn't have left the top of that shaft unguarded. VABER: We think about that when we get there. If we leave now, we can be there before light. TARON: We'll attack - but this has to be planned. (Firmly.) Until it is, we'll wait. VABER: Wait! Wait - that's all we've heard from you! Why don't you face it, Taron? Admit what we all know - be honest - you're afraid. Miro would have taken action by now - he was a real commander, and he wouldn't have had her hanging around our necks! (He gestures angrily at REBEC. Pushed beyond his limits, TARON starts to fight VABER. CODAL jumps up and tries to pull TARON off.) CODAL: Latep! (VABER is trying to pull his gun out. Even with CODAL trying to hold him, the bigger and stronger TARON manages to club the weapon to the ground before CODAL pinions his arms. LATEP holds VABER in a similar fashion. TARON calms down as REBEC hands him his own gun.) TARON: (Quietly.) I am still in command here...and like it or not, you will obey orders. And believe me, Vaber, if you don't, I shan't hesitate to kill you. (VABER pulls himself free of LATEP and again moves off glowering in anger.) TARON: Now let's all get some rest. Latep, go back to your post. (LATEP moves off to keep guard whilst all the Thals, except VABER settle down against the stones. He turns and stares at TARON.) [SCENE_BREAK] 33: INT. DALEK CITY. LABORATORY (NIGHT) (Three DALEKS hover round the bacteria tank.) FIRST DALEK: The bacteria are multiplying. SECOND DALEK: We have calculated that after the release of the culture into the atmosphere, it will totally contaminate the planet within the space of one Spiridon day. FIRST DALEK: All plant life will wither and die. SECOND DALEK: All un-immunised animal life will die within one hour of inhaling the contaminated air. DALEK LEADER: Approved - continue with preparations. (The DALEK LEADER glides out of the laboratory area.) FIRST DALEK: The most virulent form of the bacteria will be ready for release in half a Spiridon day. [SCENE_BREAK] 34: INT. DALEK CITY. CONTROL ROOM (NIGHT) (The DALEK LEADER glides up to another in the control room.) DALEK LEADER: Report. THIRD DALEK: Spiridon slaves report aliens believed to be hiding at the plain of stones. DALEK LEADER: Order all search units into that area. THIRD DALEK: I obey. [SCENE_BREAK] 35: EXT. PLAIN OF STONES (NIGHT) (TARON, asleep next to REBEC, wakes up. He glances round. Seeing that someone is missing, he whispers loudly into the gloom.) TARON: Latep! Doctor! (He bends down and starts to shake awake a sleeping CODAL.) TARON: Codal...Codal! (LATEP runs up.) TARON: Where's Vaber? CODAL: He was sitting over there. (TARON stands. CODAL nods to LATEP to search the area with him. The DOCTOR returns.) TARON: Doctor, the bombs have gone. DOCTOR: What? (CODAL brings over a sheet of paper.) CODAL: He left this. (TARON takes the note and reads...) TARON: "I'll do what I have to do alone". (He hands the note to the DOCTOR who reads it.) DOCTOR: He doesn't stand a chance. TARON: That's the last of the explosives. CODAL: We've got to stop him. TARON: I intend to. Codal, will you come with me? Doctor, would you stay here? DOCTOR: If that's what you want. TARON: Thanks. CODAL: He'll be heading for the ventilator shaft. TARON: Yeah...we'll be back as soon as we can. Latep, stay here. (To CODAL.) Come on. (They move off into the night.) REBEC: Be careful, Taron. (The DOCTOR glances round.) DOCTOR: Have you still got your guns with you? REBEC: Yes. DOCTOR: That's good. Keep them handy, will you? Look around you. (REBEC and the others look round. In the darkness, the eyes of animals, like so many little points of light, are staring at them...) [SCENE_BREAK] 36: EXT. JUNGLE (NIGHT) (Carrying the two bombs, VABER makes his way through the darkened trees. Stepping into a clearing, he looks up with alarm as several fur-covered Spiridons come out of the gloom towards him. They quickly overpower him and wrestle him to the ground. One of them stands and looks down.) SPIRIDON: Take him to the Daleks...

The Doctor and his friends escape from the Dalek base, prompting the Daleks to devise a plan to wipe them out.

fd_Heartland_08x17

fd_Heartland_08x17_0

Amy: Previously on "Heartland"... Georgie: What's going on? Katie: Divorce. Georgie: What do you mean divorce? We will be there for you, no matter what. No you won't! Because if you wanted to be there for me, then you wouldn't be doing this! Jack: Are you in love? Tim: No, I barely speak to her. Jack: I mean with Casey. Jesse: Come on, we both know Caleb's not gonna come up with the cash in time, so pack up your stuff and get out. Ty: don't do this. Jesse: Oh, I'm just getting started. Ungh! (Punching thuds) Jesse: Oh! Ty: Get your hands off me! Jesse: I've got you now. Amy: Ty, what's going on? Where were you...? I think I might be in trouble, Amy. (Truck rumbles) (Truck rumbles to a halt) Here we are. Are you nervous? A little. Mostly just excited. Amy: Me too. Ty: Yeah. (Doors open and bang shut) (Birds chirp) Amy and Ty: (Chuckle excitedly) (Door opens) (Door creaks shut) (Zippers unzip, jackets rustle) Minister: You must be the young couple that Joanna was telling me about. Ty and Amy. Ty: Yes... hi. Thanks you for doing this. We really appreciate it, especially on such short notice. Minister: "Why put off till tomorrow, what you can do today?" This is my husband. He'll be acting as your witness. All right then. Let's begin. Are you both ready? Lou: Okay, so... your wedding date is on the 29th. Which gives us very little time to tie up loose ends. For example, somebody needs to call back all of the guests who didn't rsvp. And, by my count, there are at least 20 people who haven't replied yet. Amy: Okay, I will do that as soon as I get back. Lou: Great. And I'm gonna call each of the vendors and reconfirm every last detail. Amy: Okay, thanks, Lou. That's a great idea. Lou: What about your shoes? Amy: My shoes...? Lou: Yeah, have you practiced walking in them yet? Amy: Uh... just at the store. Lou: Amy, aren't you worried that you're gonna trip down the aisle or land face first on the dance floor? Amy: I guess I am now. Why can't I just wear cowboy boots? Lou: When you get back, I want you in those shoes doing laps around the house. You can wear them while you're on the phone. Amy: Great. Okay, I will, but I've gotta go right now. I'm meeting Scott. Lou: Okay. Just hurry back, okay? Oh, Amy, you know what? I almost forgot. You need to tell Ty to get his hair cut, preferably today. Amy: What? Why? Lou: Because if he goes to the barber too close to the wedding, then he's gonna look like it's his 6th grade picture day. Amy: Ugh. Okay. Lou: Where is Ty anyway? Amy: He's studying at his place. Lou: At the trailer? I thought he got kicked out. Jesse doesn't take possession of the land until the end of the month. I guess we can officially take Jesse Stanton off the guest list? Amy: Yes, that's probably a good idea. I really have to go, Lou. Lou: Okay, look, as soon as you get back, we'll just go over the seating chart one last time. Amy: Okay. Lou: (Sighs) (Door bangs shut, truck rumbles) (Truck rumbles to a halt) (Door slams shut) (Crows caw) Scott: Sort of creepy, isn't it? Amy: (Gasps) Yeah, you could say that again. So what happened to the owners? Scott: Couldn't pay their mortgage. Took off in the middle of the night. And the horse they left behind is not been broke and definitely is not used to being around people. Come on, I'll show you. Scott: You sure you have time to take on a new horse? Amy: Yeah, of course. Scott: Aren't you getting married soon? Amy: Am I? Oh, yeah, I guess I am. (Horse snorts nervously, gate clanks) (Horse snorts, hooves thud) Amy: Hey, boy. (Horse whinnies wildly) Whoa, hey. Hey, hey. (Whinnies nervously) Whoa... (Horse snorts nervously) (Sighs) Let's get him in the trailer. (Birds chirp) (Vehicle rumbles to halt, engine cuts out) (Doors open and bang shut) (Sharp knock at the door) (Sharp knock) (Door clicks open) Officer: You Ty Borden? Ty: Yeah. Officer: I'm Officer Wright. I need you to step outside. You're under arrest for the assault of Jesse Stanton. It's my duty to inform you you're not obliged to say anything. Turn around. Hands behind your back. You also have the right... (Hand cuffs jingle and rasp) (Amy clucks her tongue, horse grunts) (High-pitched whinny) (Amy clucks her tongue, hooves plod) Amy: Ha! (Horse grunts nervously) (Loud metallic clatter) (Doors bang shut) (Doors click open, police vehicle rumbles) S08E17 And at the break of day you sank into your dream You dreamer... Oh, oh, oh, oh... You dreamer... You dreamer... (Birds chirp, tack jingles lightly) Tim: Come on, Jack. Pick up the pace. Jack: Oh, what's your big hurry? Tim: It's Casey's birthday. I got plans. Jack: Well, go on ahead then. Paint doesn't seem to have a lot of gas in the tank today. Tim: Well, it's no wonder. He's not as young as he used to be. Old Paint should be... grazing in a field instead of worrying about hauling your butt around. Jack: Now just because he's getting on in years doesn't mean he's ready for the pasture. That goes for me too. Tim: Yeah, yeah. You might not be ready to retire, Jack, but judging by the way that horse is moving, I think he is. (Paint grunts softly, cattle moo nearby) (Heavy pats) (Hooves plod slowly) (Phone beeps, footsteps crunch softly) (Birds chirp) (Phone rings and buzzes) Amy: Hey, Ty. So that horse that Scott and I picked up is quite a handful. I'm gonna start working with him today, that is if Lou doesn't rope me into making wedding place cards or God knows what else. Oh, and um... Lou wants you to get your hair cut. I think it looks good the way it is. Uh... anyway, I hope your studying is going well. I love you. I'll talk to you soon. (Horse snorts, phone beeps off) (Truck rumbles, engine cuts out) (Doors open and close) Casey: I thought you were taking me out for dinner. Tim: Uh, well, I am... in a way. I've-I've arranged for something... in conjunction with Maggie's... very special for the occasion. Casey: Well, that sounds very romantic, but what's the occasion? Tim: You didn't think I'd miss your birthday, do you? (Quick kiss) (Door bursts open) Casey: (Awkwardly) Oh, wow...! Tim: What? No, it's nothing, it's just um... It's not your birthday. No, I mean, it's sort of... Tim: Sort of... Casey: I mean... It's the 15th, so you're not that far... How far off? Um... well, you're only off by three... Tim: Days? Casey: Weeks. Tim: Three weeks. Three weeks? Casey: But Tim... (Chuckles) It doesn't matter! Tim: I'm sorry. Casey: Tim-Tim: I-I... Casey: Shut up. (Passionate kiss) (Hooves thud, horse grunts) Ss! Ss! (Clucks tongue) Ss! (Clucks tongue) (Rope whooshes, horse grunts nervously) (Grunting nervously) (Snorting nervously) (Pawing and stamping) You're okay... Hey, settle. (Snorting) (Whinnying loudly) Whoa. (Grunts forcefully, hooves thunder) Georgie: Amy, look out! Amy: Whoa! Ungh! (Lock clanks, Amy breathes hard) Georgie: Are you okay? Amy: (Relieved exhale) Yeah. This guy's not so well behaved. Georgie: Okay, well I'm supposed to tell you to go inside. Lou and Lisa are fighting about the floor plan for the reception. It's getting really ugly. Okay, I'll go in. You want me to put him in his stall? No. You better let me handle it. He's not really used to people. (Grunting and stamping, whinnies sharply) I'd just keep your distance from him for now. He's got a bad temper. (Approaching hooves clop) Jack: Amy, you got a few minutes? Amy: Uh, Lou's waiting for me inside. Jack: Well, it won't take long. I need your opinion on something. Amy: Okay. Jack: Well, it's old Paint here. Doesn't seem like he has much get up and go. It might be his arthritis. It could be getting worse. Jack: Well, if the right thing to do is to... stop riding him, I'll do that, but... Well, we could try equine massage. I've been a lot of reading about it online. Amy: That's a good idea. It might help soothe his joints and relax his muscles. We'd sure appreciate it. Lou: We've already chosen the colours for the decorative fabric panels, and we are going with more muted tones. Lisa: Your tablecloths are white. Plain. I mean, you go with muted tones, it's... kinda dull. But these... look. Look how charming these colours are together. I'm pretty sure those are the same colours they used in the arena when the circus came to town. What do you think? Amy: I really like that. Lisa: See? Amy: But I... I also like that. Lou: Okay, so... which is it? Amy: I trust you guys completely, so whatever you decide, I'm happy with. Lou: Amy, you have to be the tie breaker here. Amy: No, I don't, because, luckily, I have the two best wedding planners a girl could ask for. So you just carry on with what you're doing. I trust you completely. Thank you. (Receding footsteps) (Fire crackles) Casey: Oh, it's a wonderful night. I'm a lucky girl. Tim: (Chuckles softly) This is close to perfect. Casey: (Drowsily) Mmm... Tim: You know, it's important that you know... (Fire crackles) that I'm not interested in seeing anyone else. You're the girl for me. Casey: (Drowsily) Mm... Tim: The only one. Casey: (Sleepily) Me too... (Fire crackles) Tim: I love you. Casey: (Drowsily) Mmm... (Fire crackles) Tim: I do... really love you. Casey: (Drowsily) Mmm... (Fire crackles) I'm tired. I think I had too much champagne. (Giggles) I'm gonna go freshen up. (Sharp, mystified exhale) (Birds chirp, cold air blows) (Door clicks open) (Low hum of chatter) Thanks for coming. Jack: Assault? Ty: (Sighs) I know... (Doors open and shut) I'll pay you back the bail money. (Engine starts) Ty: I'm sorry. So, do you wanna swing by Heartland for breakfast? Casey: Yeah, that'd be great. Tim: Okay! (Door clicks open) Oh, Tim...? Thanks again for last night. It was wonderful. My best not-my-birthday ever. (Quick kiss) Tim: Hey, Casey... That-that stuff I said last night about... Well, that I'm not seeing anyone else and... and you're the only and... Yeah? I... I meant that. So did I. (Door bangs shut) (remy pants) Amy: Good morning? Are you gonna be more cooperative today? (High-pitched whinny, bucket drops) (Gasps) Guess not. Ty: Amy? Amy: Ty! Hey! Did you get my messages? Where have you been? Is everything okay? You need a really good lawyer. Ty: Well, I actually spoke with one yesterday and she said a lot will depend on the judge. Lou: So when's your court date? Ty: Next month. Lou: You know, Jesse, with his deep pockets, you can bet he's gonna have a whole team of hot-shot lawyers, so you just have to make sure yours has a good game plan. Amy: These charges are so ridiculous. Jesse provoked Ty. On purpose. Ty: Actually, I tackled him first, Amy. I lost my temper. (Front door closes) Tim: Good morning! Casey: Hey, everybody! Tim: Did we make it in time for breakfast? Lou: Yeah, we are just getting started. Let me set you guys a place. Casey: I'll get some plates. Ty: I'll get a chair for you. Tim: What-what's... what's going on? Why is everybody so glum? (Silence) Is it the wedding extravaganza? All the planning and preparation for a few hours of wedding and then - phhhewt! Done? (Laughs) When I look back on my wedding, it probably would've been better if Marion and I had just eloped. Seriously, what is going on here, guys? Georgie: Ty got arrested. What? What'd you do this time? Amy: Dad! Can we just not talk about this please? Tim: What-what for? Lou: Leave him alone. Tim: No, I... I think it's a reasonable question. Jesse Stanton filed a complaint against me. Tim: Why would he do that? Ty: Because I beat him up. Tim: You beat him up. (Clock ticks loudly) That's serious. You can go to jail for that. Lou: That is obviously the worst case scenario, okay? Jesse is blowing this out of proportion and-and-and it is his word against Ty's. Ty: Actually, it's not. There were two construction workers there at the time that it happened, and my lawyer said that they're gonna testify that I beat up Jesse unprovoked. Lisa: They were probably on Jesse's payroll. How long did your lawyer say you could go to jail for? A few years. Tim: Years. Amy: Dad, can we... Tim: Wow. Amy: Please stop talking about this?! Tim: No, I don't think so. I don't think so. We need to talk about this because you two are getting married and Ty could be going away for a very long time. You need to have a plan, both of you. Well, right now I need to get some sleep. Um, can I get a lift? Amy: Why don't just... rest in the loft? You don't need to go all the way home. Ty: Okay. (Receding footsteps) (Front door opens) (Footsteps thud on the stairs) Amy: I brought you some extra blankets. Ty: Thanks. Amy: Ty, this is all gonna be over soon. You'll see. I mean, there's no way any judge is gonna take Jesse's side. Ty: (Sighs heavily) I instigated the fight, Amy. I know you're trying to be positive, but there's a very good chance I could be found guilty. That's not gonna happen. You don't know that. Amy: Ty, I love you. No matter what, okay? It doesn't change anything. Ty: I know, and I love you too, Amy. But your dad is right. I could go to jail for a very long time and if we go through with this wed... Amy: If?! What do you mean by "if"? Ty: If... we go through with this wedding, we could be apart for years. Are we ready for that? I'm sorry, Amy. I really am... but this changes everything. (Remy whines, stairs creak) (Dialing beeps) Amy: Jesse. This is Amy Fleming. I need to call me back as soon as you can. Thanks. (Sighs heavily) (Water runs) Tim: I guess I should have a talk with Jesse Stanton. Jack: A bad idea. Casey: Jack's right. You'll just stir up a hornets' nest. Lisa: I hate to bring this up, but maybe we should suggest to Ty and Amy that they postpone the wedding? Lou: No. No way. Lisa: Well, we can't forget that Val Stanton's invited and how awkward is that gonna be? Tim: No, no. Jesse is Val's son. Val doesn't come to the wedding. Jack: We'll worry about Val Stanton later. As for now, we are proceeding forward as planned. (Doors thunk shut) Hey! Peter: Did I miss breakfast? (Laughs awkwardly) You're here! I-I thought you were at a conference in Berlin. Peter: Yeah, I managed to get a junior associate to cover it for me, and grabbed the red eye, so... Katie: Daddy, daddy, daddy! Peter: Hey! Wah! There she is! I missed you, Kitty Kat! Katie: (Claps) Sorry, I should've given you a call and... Lou: Don't-don't be silly. I'll get you some breakfast. Okay. (To Katie) Yay! [SCENE_BREAK] (Birds chirp) (Approaching footsteps) Jack: Couldn't sleep? No. I uh... I've been thinking too much. You got a lot to think about. How did I let this happen, Jack? I thought I'd changed, I... I thought I had, but... I'm still that stupid kid from juvie who moved up to this loft eight years ago. Oh, that's B.S. You're not the same kid that moved up here. Not by a long shot. You think I'd let you marry my granddaughter if that were true? Eight years ago when you moved up here, what did I say to you? Ty: You said that if it were up to you, you'd kick my butt so far down the road I'd be crapping in Montana. Jack: Yes, I did say that, but I also said something about my granddaughters. Ty: Yeah... you said to keep ten feet from them at all times and then you threatened to remove any part of me that crossed that line. Well, it's obvious you didn't listen to me. But I'm glad you didn't, and I'm gonna tell you why. Watching you grow up over these past eight years confirms something that I've always believed; that the goodness in a man runs much deeper than one moment in time. You're a good man, Ty Borden. Ty: (Choked up) I wanna believe that, I do, but I can't keep messing up like this, Jack. Jack: I don't judge a man for his mistakes. It's what he does to repair those mistakes that counts. Now, you and Amy, you got a lot of decisions to make over the next few days and I have no doubt you'll do the right thing. Well, I better get going. If I don't have that dude ranch in perfect shape, Lou will be kicking my butt so far down the road... Ty: (Mutters like Jack) You'll be crapping in Montana. Lou: Here you go. Sorry, the uh... eggs are probably a little dry. Peter: Oh, no, are you kidding me? It looks great. Thank you so much. And Lou, I will call before I come next time, I just... Lou: I told you, it's fine. Georgie and Katie get more time with their dad, and that's all that matters. Where is Georgie, by the way? Oh, she's out in the barn helping Amy. Probably trying to get away from all of this... wedding craziness. Who am I kidding, she's probably trying to escape me. Oh, that's not true, come on. Lou: Oh, no, it is. I've been... a total nightmare lately. But somebody has to throw this wedding and I feel like if I don't nag everyone to death, nothing gets done. I hate being that person, Peter, but I just... I just want my sister's wedding day to be special, you know? And I thought she did too, but now I'm not so sure. Maybe she'd be happier with crepe paper decorations and beef on a bun. (Laughs) Well, maybe. And Lisa, she... she says she's trying to help, but... all she does is second guess every decision I make. And on top of everything, Katie and Georgie, they... they keep asking me what's going on between me and you, and I don't always know what to tell them. Oh, and Ty might be going to jail. So there's that little thing. Ty might be going to jail? (Tearing up) There is a very good possibility. He beat up Jesse Stanton. Peter: Are you kidding me? Oh. Hey, come here. Come here. Oh... (Blows out his breath) Okay. (Lou cries) I'm just trying so hard to keep it together, Peter, but I... it feels like no matter what I do, I just make everyone around me miserable. Peter: No, that is not true. Lou: Yes. You're just, you know, sometimes... you're the bad cop, you know. The bad cop? Like when we're trying to get the kids to bed and you lay down the law and I negotiate for an extra hour, then we end up just giving them a few extra minutes. They feel like they've won, but... Really, we got them to bed just on time. (Chuckles) And I come out like the hero and then you come out looking like... The wicked witch of the west? No, no, no. Just the bad cop. And you're also the planner, the organizer, the chief executive in charge of the entire Bartlett-Flemming-Morris clan, and I know that that is not an easy place to be. I also know - we all know - that you are the beating heart of this whole family, Lou, and we are so lucky to have you. (Kissing) Peter: (Blows out his breath) Lou: (Exhales sharply) Peter: (Clears his throat) Thank you for the breakfast. (Sighs) Thank you for... your kind words. You're welcome. (Tap turns on and off) You're asking me here to plea Ty's case you're wasting your time. I came to accept your offer. What offer's that? I will work for you at Briar Ridge, just like you wanted. On one condition: You drop the charges against Ty. And you do that, I'm all yours. At one time, the idea of Amy Fleming working at Briar Ridge meant everything in the world to me. But not anymore. Unfortunately, that offer's expired. And I'm not dropping the charges against Ty. Why are you doing this? Jesse: Because the name Stanton used to mean something in this town. My father worked himself to death, literally, trying to build a strong business and reputation, only to have it dismantled by my incompetent mother and frivolous sister. All of this - Hudson - this used to be Stanton territory, and it will be again. I'm simply reclaiming my birthright. You're a fool if you really believe that. (Amused chuckle) You know, with a small twist of fate, you could be marrying me instead of that nobody Ty Borden. We really could've been something together. That would've never happened. Never in a million years. Jesse: Hey, Amy, never say never. (Door slams shut) (Laughs) (Hoof strikes the ground, horse snorts) (Stall door clatters as horse kicks it) Georgie: Hey... it's okay. (Horse grunts nervously) You're all right. You know... you look a lot like my horse Phoenix. His owner wasn't very nice to him either, and then he came to Heartland, and now he's an amazing horse. You don't like being cooped up in there, do you? (Latch clatters) Tim: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Whoa, honey. (Stall door clanks shut) (Latch clatters) I wouldn't do that if I were you. That guy looks like he's got a mean streak. Georgie: Well, he's probably just getting used to being at Heartland. I'm sure deep down, he's a gentle, well behaved horse. I'm not so sure about that. Georgie: Okay, well, sometimes you think something's a certain way, but then something happens and you realize it's actually not that way at all, and what you really wanted is finally coming true. I'm not sure I follow you there. Lou and Peter. What about them? Well, everyone thinks they're breaking up, but they're not. They're not? (Low hum of chatter, music plays) Val: I don't know what to say. I mean, none of this sounds like Jesse at all. Well, he didn't mention anything to you? Look, he's... He's a really smart boy. He wouldn't be pursing this if he weren't justified at some level. Val. Now you know, Ty. Do you really believe he deserves to go to jail over this? If he did attack my son, then... maybe he should go to jail. Jack: Ty made a mistake, there is no doubt about that, but... your son's made his share of mistakes too. Hell, we all have. Now, I know our families haven't always gotten along, but... we've always managed to work out our differences somehow. Right now, I'm hoping that you can... convince Jesse to find another way to deal with this. He's pretty stubborn, just like his father. Is that so? Like his father? (Laughs) Okay. Like me too. So I'm not sure anything I say will make a difference. This is important. Amy and Ty, they... Well, they... They've been thinking they should cancel this wedding and... I'm asking you, Val, please, talk to your son. Ty: Taking back his birthright? Amy: That's what he said. Peter: God, what does that even mean? Amy: I don't know. Lou: I think I do. You know that housing development on the West Side of Hudson? What, those Tacky McMansions? Yeah. That used to be ranch land as far as the eye could see. And then Val's husband started lending money to down-on-their-luck ranchers and convinced them all to use their land as collateral. Amy: Oh. And let me guess. He called in the loans, took the land, and then sold it to developers. He made a fortune. A lot of people were upset, but... then Mr. Stanton died and everyone just... kinda forgot about it. Peter: Jesse's picking up where his old man left off, huh? Lou: Sounds like he doesn't care who he hurts along the way. Well, I uh... I better get going. I've been wearing these clothes for two days now. Amy: I will drive you home. Tim: Hey! Amy: Hi, dad. You two made any decisions yet? No, we haven't. Tim: Well, you better hurry up. Your honeymoon's gonna end up being a conjugal visit. (Chuckles) Amy: Real nice, dad. Lou: You staying for dinner? Tim: No. I gotta get back to Big River. I just wanted you to know I heard the good news. Lou: What good news? Tim: That must have been some lip lock, general. What're you... what're you talking about? Tim: You and Peter. The kiss that you two shared earlier today. Georgie thinks you're getting back together. So are you? (Peter sighs) (Truck idles) Ty: Amy, I'm really sorry this is happening. This is not your fault. It is my fault. I hit Jesse, and this is on me, and now I have to face this. Any judge is gonna see right through Jesse. And what if he doesn't? Amy, if I'm found guilty, I'm not gonna graduate from vet school. I'll have a criminal record. And the life that we planned together... where you're working with troubled horses and I'm fixing their physical problems - it can't happen... Because I won't be a vet. How can I stand at the altar and vow to honour and protect you when I don't even know if we can be together? So what're you saying? I'm saying I think we should postpone our wedding. (knock) Georgie? Hey, sweetie, it's-it's early. Are you feeling okay? Georgie: Yeah. I've just got my first extreme team practice in the m morning, so I thought I should get some sleep. Peter: Oh, that's exciting. Lou: Yeah, it sure is. Peter: You're gonna be great. You know, we're real proud of you. Georgie: Thanks. Uh... all right. Good night. Lou: Um, actually, Georgie, there's um... There's something we wanted to talk to you about. Peter: Yeah. Um... You see... Wh-when two people... Who love each other very much... Peter: And-and have a long history together... They... they sometimes... Um... Is this about the birds and the bees? Because I already know about that stuff. Peter: Um, no, no. That's-that's not where we're going with this. Georgie, we know that you saw us kissing. And we just-we thought it was really important that we explain to you what happened. Peter: See, your mom and I have been together for a really long time and now that we're separated, it's... it's a big adjustment for us. Lou: Yeah. Peter: And uh... sometimes certain feelings come to the surface. Lou: But just because those feelings are there, it doesn't necessarily mean that we're getting back together. I know that. Lou: You do? Georgie: Yeah! I'm not a kid. I know it's not that simple. So... you're okay? Yeah, I'm fine. Is there... anything else you wanted to talk about? (Chuckles softly) No, no. That's... that's pretty much it. Lou: We love you. Peter: Sleep tight. Lou: See you in the morning. (Door creaks shut) Georgie: (Stifles tears) (Birds chirp) Server: There you go. Val: Thank you. Server: You're welcome. (Diner buzzes with chatter, music plays quietly) (Chair scrapes back) Really mom? Milk? That's what you always order when we come here. Yeah, back when I was twelve. Val: Oh. Well, I thought since you were acting like such a child, it was fitting. Okay, what's this really about? Drop the charges against Ty. You promised when I took over Briar Ridge that you wouldn't question my methods. Val: Your business methods. This thing with Ty is nothing but petty revenge. It's beneath you. Jesse: You know instead of milk, we should be drinking champagne. I got the land back from Caleb. I still have no idea why you gave them that in the first place. It was a wedding gift. Yeah, and now I got it back. We are one step closer to continuing dad's legacy. Val: Jesse, the developers don't want just the land the trailer sits on. You'll need Big River and a large part of Heartland, and Jack would never sell to you. Jesse: Why do you think I'm doing this to Ty? A few days from the trial, I'll offer to drop the charges if they agree to sell. And you think that's a good idea? Yeah, I do. The Flemings happen to be my friends. (Scoffs) Val: Look, I know you put your dad up on a pedestal, but I never condoned the way he did business. You drop those charges! No, I won't. This isn't a discussion. Do as I say, or I'll come back to Briar Ridge and take control. You'll be out looking for a job. (Scoffs) You wouldn't do that. Let's not ever forget who's really in charge here, my dear sweet boy. Enjoy your milk. (Crow caws) Ty: So um... How do you wanna do this? I think we should go in together... Tell them we're postponing the wedding. (Sighs) I have a feeling Lou's not gonna take this very well. She'll understand. (Ty's cell phone rings) Sorry. It's my lawyer. (Phone beeps) Hello? What? Are you serious? Okay. Uh... no. Thank you. (Phone beeps off) Amy: What? Jesse's dropping the charges. Amy: He is? Ty: Yes! Amy: He is?! Oh, that's so great! Ty, why... Why did he drop them? (Emotional) I don't know. I don't care. It's over, Amy. It's over. I'm not going to jail. Amy: No. (Passionate kiss) Amy: Ty, let's... let's get married right now. Ty: What? Amy: We have been through so much over the last few years, and this is our moment. I don't wanna wait another minute! Well... what about the wedding and the...? This marriage... this next step in our life... this is ours, okay? Just ours. I know exactly where we should do it. (Excited laugh) (Sighs with relief) Here we are. Are you nervous? A little. Mostly just excited. Amy: Me too. Ty: Yeah. (Doors click open) (Doors slam shut) (Birds chirp) (Horse snorts softly) Georgie: (Forceful exhale) I'm not afraid of you. I'm not afraid of anything. (Latch clunks) (Georgie clucks her tongue, horse grunts) (Hooves clop) Georgie: Get going! Come on! (Clucks her tongue) Come on! (Clucks her tongue) (Horse grunts nervously) (Hooves plod heavily) (Horse snorts sharply, Georgie gasps) (Hooves thunder) (Latch clanks) What is your problem?! What?! So what if you were abandoned? Who cares? That's what people do! They hurt you! So boo hoo, just... get over it! (Snorts softly) Get over it! (Breathing hard) (To herself) Just... just get over it. (Snorts softly) You have a note on the fridge. Lou: A note? Lisa: Mm-hmm. Lou: From who? Lisa: I'm not sure. (Paper rustles) Lou: Oh, it's from Amy. Lisa: What'd she say? Lou: Jesse dropped the charges! Lisa: Are you serious?! Jack: Now there is some good news! Lou: 'Kay, there's more. Uh, they've gone on a little road trip. But don't worry, they'll be back by tomorrow afternoon. Lisa: Where'd they go? Lou: It doesn't say. I'm gonna give Amy a call. Jack: Oh, Lou, leave 'em be. They probably wanna celebrate and it's only until tomorrow. (Phone rings) See? That's probably them right there. (Phone rings, phone beeps on) Jack: Yeah, yeah, hello! Will Vernon! How the heck are ya?! You did? Is that so? (Approaching footsteps, fire crackles nearby) Casey: How's Katie doing? Tim: Well... I was telling her about my rodeo days and... she fell asleep on me. Casey: Hmm... That... sound, that sound you just made, what-what does that mean? What does that sound mean? What're you talking about? It's crazy, never mind. (Laughs) Are you okay? Okay... I wanted to tell you something. I'm just gonna come out and say this. Casey: Okay. Lou: Dad? You are not going to believe this! Tim: What? Lou: Well, Jesse dropped the charges. Casey: That's great. Tim: Isn't that a good thing? Jack: Well, yes, it is... Lou: (Peeved) Yes. but we just got a call from Will Vernon. Now apparently Amy contacted Joanna just this morning to see if they could stay at her place in Pike River for the night. Tim: What's the big deal? Lou: Well, Ty and Amy also asked Joanna to talk to the minister. They're eloping! Over the mountains and under the stars We go over the mountains and under the stars... Minister: You must be the young couple that Joanna was telling me about. Ty and Amy. Ty: Yes. Hi. Thanks for doing this. We really appreciate it, especially on such short notice. "Why put off till tomorrow what you can do today?" This is my husband. He'll be acting as your witness. ...a broken guitar while the rain water washes away Minister: All right then. Let's begin. Are you both ready? ...over the mountains and under the stars

Lou spearheads preparations for the big day while Amy throws herself into gentling a rescue horse in order to avoid wedding craziness. But Amy and Ty's future is jeopardized when Ty is arrested for assault. Meanwhile, Georgie observes an intimate moment between Lou and Peter and nurtures hope that they are getting back together. Tim risks telling Casey how he feels about her, then obsesses over her response. Ty and Amy decide to elope after Val gets Jesse to drop the charges.

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ACT ONE Scene One - Caf Nervosa. Frasier and Niles are sitting in Caf Nervosa in the morning, chatting pretentiously about the food and drink. Niles: Have you noticed there are fewer hazlenuts in these biscotti? Frasier: So I'm not crazy. Niles: And yet they've gone up twenty-five cents. Frasier: Oh, fewer nuts, more money - something I've been aspiring to for my entire professional life! [they laugh] Roz enters through the front door in a rather shabby tracksuit, the front of which is drenched in sweat. Added to this, her hair is clumsily tied up behind her head with sweat beads trickling down her forehead. She is wearing shorts and is out of breath. Roz: [catching breath:] That's the last time I jog in these shorts. My thighs are chafing like a couple of hams wrapped in velcro! [shouting to waitress:] Non-fat Mocha, please! As she sits at their table, Niles and Frasier distance themselves. Roz: What?! Frasier: As flattered as we are that you've chosen our company over, say... a shower, perhaps you'd like to go to the ladies room to freshen up a little bit? Roz: [angry:] Hey, at least I try to keep in shape. I haven't seen one of you two run an eight minute mile! Niles: Stand upwind of us and you might! Roz, getting the gist, decides to go and freshen up. Frasier: Oh, by the way Niles, my benefit for the Seattle Theatre Ensemble is tonight - I haven't recieved your check yet. Niles: Well, that's because I'm still not sure if I'm coming. Whom should I expect to meet there? Frasier: Professional people... around our age.. Niles: [wanting more:] Hmmm. Frasier: Same social standing... Niles: [strangely:] Yoww! Frasier: Specific-minded... interested in the arts... Niles: [angry:] Oh for God's sake, how many women? Frasier: Well, why didn't you say so? Niles: Well, I thought my rutting monkey body language would have tipped you off. Frasier: Well, pertaining to my RSVP list there should be quite a few available women. Niles: In that case I'll be there. [writes check and hands it to Frasier:] Here's my money - it better be worth my while! Frasier: [sharp] Oh look, here comes Sherry and Dad. Niles: [sharp] Duck! Frasier: No, no, no, no, I invited them. Niles: Sherry's not going to be there at your benefit tonight, is she? I can stop that check! Frasier: Oh, just relax. I came up with a rather ingenious plan to occupy their evening - I bought tickets to an event which is right up their aisle. I felt so mortified just buying the tickets, I paid cash so they couldn't trace it back to me. Martin and Sherry enter Caf Nervosa as the waitress holds up some tickets, shouting. Waitress: Excuse me, people! Did somebody leave some tickets back here? Frasier: Oh, good Lord! [shouting and running:] Yes! Waitress: Something called, "Nashville on Ice!" Frasier: Right here. [trying to get them off] By this time, Frasier is tugging at the tickets as a group stand laughing at him. Waitress: [reading:] "Ice skating country jamboree." Frasier: [takes tickets; off the crowd's grins:] Oh, don't look so smug - try skating and blowing into a jug while your heart's breaking! Frasier heads his way over to an overjoyed Sherry and Martin. Sherry: I can't believe you scored tickets to that. You are well- connected in this town. Frasier: Well, actually these are gifts for you and dad. Martin/Sherry: [excited:] Oh, that's great. Frasier: I hope you're free. Martin: [takes tickets:] Well, we are now! Wow, Frasier, thanks. Look at this, rink side. Niles has now put on his jacket and is ready to leave the Caf - but now before Sherry has made her mark on him. Sherry: [to Niles:] Oh, what's that on your cheek? Niles searches as Sherry plants a big kiss on his cheek leaving an imprint of lipstick. Niles gives a polite laugh. Sherry: My lips! Niles: Oh, look at the time, I have to go. Sherry: Oh, it seems that everytime I see you, you're just leaving. Niles: Yes, and I'd love to stay but I... [excusing:] have my therapy group meeting... and last time I was late the, er, compulsive gamblers were betting the passive/aggressors that they couldn't make the overeaters... cry. Niles leaves as the threesome head over to the table. Martin: Well, you two take a seat here, I'll get us a couple of coffees! Sherry: You know how I like it - hot and sweet. Martin: Yeah, but how do you like your coffee? Sherry: [laughs before sitting with Frasier:] Is he always that funny? Frasier: Oh, yes. [polite laugh] Roz enters from the powder room. There is less sweat though it is still clearly visible. This time a blotch of soap has been squelched right on top of it. Frasier gives a condoling sound. Roz: That damn soap dispenser - I just gave it a good tap and splat! [points to mark on shirt] Frasier: Oh, I'm sorry. Roz Doyle, my producer, you haven't met my dad's inamorata, Sherry Dempsey. Sherry and Roz shake hands. Roz: I normally look a lot better than this! Sherry: Oh now, you don't have to be self-conscious around me, hon. We all have our bad days once we pass forty! [laughs] Nice seeing you. [goes to counter where Martin is] Roz: [confused:] What did she say? Frasier: Oh, who cares?! The least I can do to lengthen out a few precious moments of silence without her underfoot. The woman's practically moved in with me. Roz: What did she say? [sits] Frasier: Be calm now, come on. You may not look your best today but there's a man sitting right over there - he can't keep his eyes off of you. Roz: [modest:] Oh, where? Frasier: Right over there. [points] Roz looks around. There is a man sitting on the bench seat next to the window. He is squinting at Roz. Roz turns back worried. Roz: [worried:] Oh my God, that's John Coughlin from my high school! [praying:] Oh dear God, please don't let him recognize me. I swear I'll never leave the house unbeautiful again! John: [coming over:] Roz? Roz: [to God:] Thanks for listening! John: Roz Doyle? It's me, John Coughlin. Roz takes her coffee away from her mouth. A fine milk moustache is left in its place. Roz: [nice:] Hi John, look at you. John: Look at you! Roz: I hardly recognised you with that moustache! Oh Frasier, I'm sorry. This is John Coughlin, Frasier Crane. So did you just move to Seattle? John: No, I'm out here for a week on business - now it's back to Wisconsin. Remember Marcy? Roz: Yeah. John: She's getting married on Saturday. Roz: No kidding! John: Well, I'm late for a meeting but it was great running into you, I can't wait to tell the whole gang I saw you. Roz: You don't have to do that! John leaves as Roz goes into depression. Roz: Frasier, that guy was the biggest gossip in my home town. He saw me with my hair all sweaty, my sweatshirt full of soap! Oh God, what could be worse? Frasier: Well, here's a hint: Got Milk? Roz: [finds moustache:] Oh, no! [SCENE_BREAK] HAT TRICK Scene Two - Frasier's apartment. That night Frasier is at his benefit with Niles aside him. Upper classes are swarming around them. Frasier: At first, I was terribly nervous about hosting these things, but it seems to be going rather well. Niles: Not for me. I haven't made in-roads with a single woman here. Niles gets excited upon noticing a woman. He gives a strange look with his eyebrow which looks like an inspector after finding a hidden clue. Frasier: [confused:] What are you doing? You look nauseated! Niles: That woman is flirting with me, this is my "I'm available" face. Frasier: Stop it! My God, people'll think the shrimp is bad. Alright, which one? Niles: Er... at nine clock: blonde hair, blue dress. [the woman heads toward them] Oh, now ten clock... 11 clock... oh Mama, high noon. The woman - Adair Peck - has now arrived where Frasier and Niles are standing. Adair: I'm sorry, I have to leave early. I just wanted to let you know what a lovely time I had. Frasier: Oh well, thank you, it's good to see you. Have you met my brother, Dr. Niles Crane? Niles: [still with face on:] Enchanted. Adair: Hi. [notices face:] Are you feeling okay? Niles: [deflated] Bad shrimp. [Frasier hits him] Adair: Oh. [to Frasier:] I so enjoyed our chat about Brecht, I'm just sorry we didn't get to finish it. Frasier: Oh, me too. Adair: Um... [laughs self-consciously:] I never do this - but if you'd like to give me a call sometime, I'd like that. [gives him her card] You don't have to call me, only if you want to, and we can talk about other, non-Brecht things... you see why I never do this? Frasier: Well, I'm certainly glad that you did it with me. [laughs] Adair: Nice meeting you, Miles. Niles: [angry:] Okay. As she leaves, Daphne comes in from her room pointing at a man. Daphne: Dr. Crane, who's that gentleman over there? Frasier: [notices:] Oh, that's Matthew Apinnion - he's one of the theatre's biggest benefactors. Daphne: Well, I just caught him back in my bedroom. Frasier: Well, I'm sure he just wandered in there by mistake. Daphne: He was trying on my shoes! Frasier: Interesting piece of information. Something tells me that the theatre's going to get that new sound system. Daphne exits as a woman, Kimberly, calls the crowd. Kimberly: On behalf of Seattle's Theatre Ensemble, I would like to thank Dr. Frasier Crane, for hosting tonight's benefit. But before we say goodnight, let's try and coax him into saying a few words. Applause. Frasier: Alright. Er... Alexander Pope once wrote that the theatre "aspires to wake the soul by tender strokes of art, to raise the genius and to mend the heart." I'd like to say that it's my privelege to help ensure the survival of this noble calling. And, er, thank you all for coming and I'll see you on the opening night of "Run For Your Wife!" Laughter and applause. After the applause dies down a brunette woman - Leslie Wellman - comes over to Frasier. Leslie: Well, that was terrific. Are you always this eloquent? Frasier: Oh well, hardly. My Muse, alas, is somewhat ephemeral. Leslie: Well, Dr. Crane, I'm glad to meet you. Leslie Wellman, we met earlier. Frasier: Leslie, of course. Leslie: Well, I have to run but... I hope I'm not being too forward - I'd love it if you'd give me a call sometime. Frasier: I'd be delighted too. Leslie: Here's my card. Frasier: Thank you. [pockets it] As she leaves Frasier goes over to Niles. Frasier: Niles, was that Natalie Spencer I saw you talking with? Niles: [excited:] As a matter of fact it was. I've been admiring her all evening, so I steeled myself and asked her if she would be free next week. Frasier: And? Niles: Well, her lips said "no" but her eyes said "read my lips." [mad:] I suppose you came over here to gloat because a woman came onto you. Frasier: Not hardly, I wouldn't do that sort of thing. I came over here to gloat because two women came onto me! Niles: Two?! Frasier: My God, I've never had a night like this in my entire life! I'm a babe magnet, I'm catnip! Niles: I think I feel a fur ball coming up. Tell me your second conquest wasn't that haughty filly in the white dress - Kimberly Egan. Frasier: No, no, no, your path is clear. Niles: [thinking:] Oh... what's the point? I can't take another rejection! Frasier: Well Niles, I'll tell you what. Seeing as how Cupid has so amply stocked my quiver this evening, I shall try and shine on your behalf. Niles: [nearly sick:] Oh my God, you're unbearable! Niles sits down with disgust as Frasier goes to talk to Kimberly. Frasier: Kimberly, good evening. Kimberly: Frasier. Thank you again for tonight. You really are a wonderful host. Frasier: Thank you. Listen, I don't usually do this sort of thing but there's a gentlemen here tonight who's rather taken with you. He's an eligible doctor, he's just a bit shy about coming over and expressing those interests to you. Kimberly: [taken aback:] Oh, that is so sweet! [knowingly:] Well, you tell your bashful friend, he needn't be so coy. I'd love to go out with you some time, Frasier. [hands him her card] Call me tomorrow. Frasier: [Niles comes over] Oh, do you know my brother? Kimberly: Oh, of course I do. [shakes Niles's hand] Nice seeing you again, Miles! [Niles grits his teeth] END OF ACT ONE ACT TWO Scene One - KACL booth. It's Friday and Frasier is doing his show on KACL. Doug: [v.o.:] Anyway, Dr. Crane, I've spent months now sending out resum s, pounding the pavement, but nothing. Frasier: Well Doug, it's possible you're simply going through a dry spell. Good Lord, it happens to all of us. Months go by with nothing, then completely out of the blue you get not one but three offers, without doing anything. Not just for any jobs either, but for desirable ones, with ample salaries and fabulous perks. Be patient. Finding employment is much like dating - opportunities come along when you least expect them. Doug: Thanks, Dr. Crane. Actually, dating is the one area I don't have any problems in. Right now, I've got two women interested in me. Frasier: Two? Well, that must make you the envy of MOST men! [laughs] Well, that's all for today, Seattle. This is Dr. Frasier Crane, KACL 780. [signs off] Roz enters his booth. Roz: Alright, you've compared dating to unemployment, claustrophobia and bedwetting. Is there anything you'd like to tell me? Frasier: Ask me if I'm free this weekend. Roz: Well, obviously... Frasier: Roz, ask me, come on. And let me remind you, it's a three- day weekend. Roz: [put on:] Are you free this weekend? Frasier: No, I have a date this evening. And I've got a date tomorrow night. Oh, and let me check my calendar for Sunday. [checks it:] Oh yes, another date! [laughs] Roz: Good, not bad! Frasier: [excited:] Not bad?! If I didn't know better, I'd say someone was a little jealous. After this weekend you may have to give up your dating crown! Roz: I once had three dates on a single Saturday and still had time to defrost my refrigerator and rotate my tires. Frasier: [lost some happiness:] It's a wonder you could rotate anything after that! Alright, I concede. Roz: Alright, good. Will you help me with something? Frasier: Sure. Roz: Okay, do you think it's weird to send a wedding present to someone you haven't seen or spoken to in eighteen years? Frasier: Well, it's a bit unusual but it's sweet nonetheless. Roz: Okay, what about if the wedding gift happens to be a sterling silver picture frame, [holding it up] and inside that happens to be a glamour photo of me? Frasier: Roz, does this have something to do with an old high-school chum you ran into yesterday during your holiday from hygiene? Roz: I know, it all sounds so silly to you, but you don't understand. Frasier, I group up in a tiny town and I still care about what those people think of me and John Coughlin will go back there and totally trash me! Frasier: Come on, you're a beautiful, intelligent woman. Do you really care what impressions people in your past have about you? Roz: I guess not. Roz takes this opinion and exits the booth as the phone rings. Frasier: [into phone:] Hello? Why-y-y, Norm Peterson, you old horse thief! [laughs] Thanks for calling back so soon. Well... just guess who's got three dates this weekend! As Roz rolls her eyes we FADE OUT. A FLY IN THE OINTMENT [SCENE_BREAK] Scene Two - Frasier's Apartment. That evening, Frasier is preparing for his date. Frasier enters the main room with a bottle of wine and two glasses. He tastes his food and makes a smile of delight before placing the wine and filling the glass. Daphne is on the phone and begins speaking into it in a strange American accent. It sounds manly. Daphne: [into phone:] Hi, is this Johnny's Steakhouse? Yeah, I'd like a table for two at eight clock. Sure, no problem, I'll hold. Frasier: [confused:] What the hell are you doing? Daphne: [still in accent:] Making dinner reservations. Frasier: Not that, the voice. Daphne: [still:] I'm trying my American. Frasier: You're certainly trying this American! Daphne: [still, into phone:] Anything on the patio? Alright, cool. I'll see you then. Daphne hangs up as Frasier pours a second glass. She reverts to her Manchester accent. Daphne: You see, I'm just sick of people making such a fuss about my accent. I like to be able to blend in on occasion, so I'm learning to speak American. Frasier: And who is your tutor, a drag queen? Daphne: You know, it's not very kind of you to mock me. Especially after I've agreed to clear out for your big date. Frasier: Yes, alright, thank you, Daphne - very much. Daphne: [American:] I'll see you later. [Manchester:] You see, that's the problem when I speak American, I don't know what to do with my "R"'s! Frasier: Try hauling it out of here! Daphne understands this and exits. Frasier meanwhile is getting excited. He switches on some classical music to which he dances around a bit at before dimming the lights. The doorbell rings and he makes a gesture that it's perfect timing. He goes to the door and waits a second before opening it to Kimberly. Frasier: Kimberly, hello. Kimberly: Hello. [enters:] Frasier, it's so nice to see you again. Frasier: Oh, well let me take your things. [takes them to coat rack] Kimberly: Thank you again for hosting the benefit. Frasier: Oh, well thank you again for chairing. Listen, did we make as much money as we hoped to? Kimberly: Well, we haven't tallied all of it but I'm guessing the evening will exceed our wildest expectations. Frasier: My favorite sort of evening. [laughs] Kimberly goes over to the window over Seattle. Kimberly: Oh, I can admire this view for hours. Frasier: [staring at her:] As could I. [hands her a glass:] Here we are - some wine, perhaps? Kimberly: Thank you. Frasier: To... Possibilities. [they clink glasses] They both have a sip of wine. Frasier lightens up with a pleased look. Kimberly: So, tell me: how did you become interested in the theatre? Frasier: Well, actually I first caught the acting bug back at prep school. The very first production I ever did was "A Mid- Summer Night's Dream." Not to toot my own horn but my Bottom recieved a standing ovation. Kimberly: [taking the ulterior meaning:] I'm not surprised. Frasier: [laughs as they sit:] And you? How did you get involved? Kimberly: Well, I worked in a lot of charities. I actually founded one that promotes pet adoption. Frasier: Really? Kimberly: I'm quite the dog lover. You? Frasier: [lying:] Heavens, yes. You know, I have dream of some day owning a big house in the country where I can have as many dogs as I like. Kimberly: I just love a man who loves animals. Is it too much to ask that you are also a vegetarian? Frasier: I just recently became one! As they look at one another the front door opens, revealing Sherry and Martin loudly laughing their heads off. Martin: Hey, Fras'. The pharamcy left your ointment with the doorman. Sherry: Somebody has a date! [covering:] Don't worry honey, it's just for prickly heat. Frasier: Well, thank you, Sherry. Kimberly Egan, this is my father Martin Crane, and this is his companion Sherry Dempsey. Sherry: Can I tempt you to some Peppermint Schnaps? It really settles the tummy. Frasier: Yes, as much as I could use that right now, I think I'll pass. Martin: Oh hey, sweetie, tell them that joke you told down at the bar. When she told it I did an honest-to-God spit take. I'm not kidding you. So much beer gushed out of there I was like Mt. St. Pauliga. Frasier: Well, actually I don't think... Sherry: Okay, this really horny 80 year-old man goes into a confession box... Martin: [to Kimberly:] You're not Catholic, are you? Kimberly: Yes, I am. Martin: Oh, then you're really going to love it! [laughs] Sherry: So anyway this horny old guy... Frasier: You know, Sherry, I think we've both heard this joke. Sherry: Ohhh, Marty, I think we're cramping somebody's style. [remembers:] Oh hey, before I forget, this is for you. [hands Frasier a small box] I couldn't finish my veal chops. [to Kimberly] If you want to know the way to this man's heart, that is his favourite dish. Kimberly: [angry:] Veal?! Frasier: [covering:] Free range! Martin: Well, hey listen, we're just going to take the dog for a walk. Eddie? [shouting:] Eddie?? Barking is heard from the corridor. Martin: [angry:] Oh, you locked him in the back room again, didn't you? Kimberly: [outraged:] What?! Martin: Oh, listen to him! He's crying, that poor little thing. Sherry and Martin head off to the back room as Kimberly gets her coat. Kimberly: Well, I guess you'll need a lot of extra room in that dream house to lock up all those dogs. Frasier: Good, we can joke about this. Kimberly, please, can I at least call you in a few days? She answers this question by simply slamming the door as she exits. Then Eddie comes running out and jumps on the dining room chair. He stares at the food that Frasier prepared. Frasier: Go ahead! Eddie jumps up and begins eating with content. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene Three - Frasier's kitchen. The next morning, Martin is standing at the stove, looking somewhat guilty. Sherry comes in and hugs him from behind. Sherry: Good morning, handsome. Martin: Yeah, hi. I was wondering when you were getting up. Hungry? Sherry: Well, a litte bit. [opens fridge:] How about some Chinese? Martin: Chinese for breakfast? Who eats that? Sherry: About a billion Chinese people. [they laugh, Martin less so] Martin: Alright, I'll get the plates and forks. Sherry: Look, why don't we do it authentic this time. Get the chopsticks! Martin: No, I don't want to. Sherry: Come on. Martin: [irritated:] I don't feel like it. Sherry: Oh, just try it one time - it's not hard. Martin: [getting mad:] It's not a question of hard - I just don't like using them, they don't work. Sherry: Well, they've been around a lot longer than forks. Martin: Well, our hands have been around a lot longer than that, why don't we just eat everything with our fingers?! They enter the dining area. Sherry: Oh, somebody's in a mood! Martin: I'm not in a mood. Sherry: You are. Martin: Look, I just don't like you telling me to do things that I really don't want to do! [tries to smile] Sherry: Fine, I will never mention the word "chopsticks" again. [to herself:] So touchy! She walks up to the piano and whilst Martin is reading his paper begins to play. Of course the melody is "Chopsticks." Martin, in a huff, gets up and exits to the kitchen. Martin: Thanks for taking what I said so seriously! Sherry: Marty! [enters kitchen with him] Meanwhile, Daphne and Frasier are coming up to the apartment on the elevator. They are talking about last night. Frasier: So, Sherry's not there for longer than thirty seconds and she chases Kimberly right out of the apartment. Daphne: [American accent:] Gee, I'm sorry, Dr. Crane. That woman sure can be difficult. Frasier: Look, this accent thing's getting downright annoying! Well anyway, I've been trying to call Kimberly all day to apologize... Frasier notices Daphne waving to the corner of the lift. Frasier: What are you doing? Daphne: [Manchester:] Saying hello to Mr. Hicks in security. Frasier: There's a hidden camera up there? Daphne: Yes, but he said don't worry about it. He said lots of people pull down their pants to tuck in their shirts. Though he did recommend having that rash looked at. Frasier: [angry:] Oh! The elevator gets to the right level. The doors open and they step out. Frasier notices Sherry's umbrella next to the front door. Frasier: Oh fine, Sherry's still here! You know, she stays later each morning and more nights each week! It's not what I had in mind when I moved in here. It's bad enough I have to deal with Eddie and Dad and... [realizes who he's talking to:] their shenanigans! They enter the apartment. The two stop as they hear Sherry and Martin still arguing in the kitchen. Sherry: I can't believe you're getting upset over nothing. Martin: Well, I don't consider it nothing. Sherry: I think we should talk about this. Martin: I dont want to talk about it. Sherry: To not talk about it is just plain stupid! Martin: Oh, so I'm stupid now, am I? Frasier and Daphne comment. Frasier: They're arguing. [hopeful:] Could there be trouble in paradise? Daphne: This is awkward. Should we let them know we are here? Frasier: No, they might stop! However, Sherry and Martin exit the kitchen and spot them. Martin: When did you get back? Frasier: Just now. Sherry: Oh, well don't worry, we were just talking. Martin: We're finished talking. [exits to bedroom] Sherry: Maybe you have. Marty, I think we should talk about it. [exits with him] Martin: [o.s.:] Well, I don't want to. Frasier and Daphne start thinking. Frasier: I've never heard them talking like that before. Dare I get my hopes up? Daphne: Don't count on it. Once an argument moves into the bedroom, a woman can always get the man to make up. Frasier: I wouldn't be so sure about that. Daphne: Oh come on now: men and women have been having this conversation for centuries. The woman always says, "do we always have to fight?" Frasier: Well, the man would say, "well it's your own fault, you started it! Daphne: Can't we at least talk this out? [sits on the couch] Come on, sit with me on the bed. Frasier: I don't feel like sitting! Daphne: Do you have to be so cold? Frasier: Well, you made me angry! Daphne: [crying:] You could at least put your arms around me! Frasier: Oh Daphne, I'm sorry... He moves to hug her, but she looks up at him with a knowing smile. Frasier: You're right. We're made up already. Daphne: Well, at least they'll be in a good mood when they come out. There's nothing like make-up s*x. Frasier: Daphne, please, Sherry and dad don't have make-up s*x. Daphne: Well of course, they're probably at it... Frasier: [stops her:] My dad and Sherry do not have s*x! Sherry enters with her bag and coat. Sherry: So long kids, it was nice knowing you. She exits out the front door. Frasier and Daphne stare. Frasier: Did that actually just happen? Daphne: I guess I called that one wrong. Martin enters from his bedroom. Daphne: Is everything alright? Martin: Oh yeah, fine, it was a long time coming. Frasier: Are you okay with this? Martin: Well yes, I mean I'm not jumping up and down but I think it's better for both of us - yes. Frasier: Are you sure? Martin: Yeah, yeah, Sherry and I had a lot of laughs but you know there's a lot of things about her that bugged me, and Lord knows I'm sure she was bugged by a lot of things that I did. So, well, no really, this is fine. Fine. [exits to kitchen] Daphne: He seems to be taking it very well! Frasier: Perhaps I should go see if he feels like talking about it. The phone rings and Frasier answers. Frasier: [into phone:] Hello? Oh yes, hi, Niles. Well, actually it isn't a very good time. No, well dad and Sherry just broke up. He seems to be taking it okay, I guess. Oh no, I don't think it's appropriate. Well, it's just too soon for us to be celebrating right now. Daphne shakes her head as Frasier replaces the receiver. The phone rings again. Frasier: [answering] It's still too soon, Niles! [hangs up] END OF ACT TWO (Time: 22:30)

At a benefit evening for the Seattle Theatre Ensemble, Frasier is approached by three attractive women in the course of the evening, and each one gives him her number. He therefore finds himself with a three-day weekend coming up and a date on each day. On the first date, Frasier claims to be a dog-lover and an vegetarian to impress his date, but Martin and Sherry come back early and reveal his deception. The following evening, Sherry accidentally reveals to the second date that Frasier had a date with a different woman the previous night. Martin has broken up with Sherry, and she calls by to drop something off, just before Frasier's third date arrives. Despite his worry that Sherry will wreck this date, Frasier tries to understand why Martin broke up with her, and finds out that it was due to Martin's guilt over falling in love with someone else other than his late wife. He encourages them to reconcile.

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ACT THREE Scene One - The Radio Station Frasier is on the phone as Roz comes in with a clipboard. Frasier: Niles, pick up, will you? It's Frasier. [beat] All right, fine. Call me later. [hanging up, to Roz] I don't even know why I bother anymore. He doesn't pick up phones these days, just waitresses. Roz: Give him a break, he's just having fun. Frasier: That's exactly what I'd expect to hear from someone who's willing to spend the night as Bulldog's squeak toy. Roz: That is not funny! It was one night, and I would appreciate it if you would just let it drop. Frasier: You're right, I'm sorry, that was tactless of me. Tell you what, let me make it up to you. I've got an extra theater ticket tonight. Faye's busy, why don't you join me? Roz: No, thanks. Frasier: No, please, Roz. It's a delightful little show. I'll even throw in dinner. Roz: Busy. Frasier: Really. A date? Roz: [exploding] I have plans! Plans! What are you, a cop?! I've got to account for every waking minute?! My private life is my own business! Frasier: [realizing] Bulldog! Roz: [bursting into tears] I don't know what's wrong with me! I'm weak. I can't stop myself! Frasier: Yes you can, Roz. Roz: Okay, I don't want to stop myself. He's good. He's really good. I mean, I'm better, but he's trainable. Frasier: Roz, it's Bulldog! Doesn't that bother you? Roz: You'd think. Bulldog comes in nonchalantly. Roz pretends nothing's going on. Bulldog: Hey, Doc. Frasier: Bulldog. Bulldog: Oh, Roz, you still going to help me, uh, write those... promos for my show tonight? Around 10:00? Roz: It's okay, Bulldog, he knows. Frasier: Yes. But high marks on that cryptic cover story. Bulldog: [drums his fists on Frasier's chest, then] I've gotta make a call. Station manager's been calling me all day. [to Roz] Oh, I made us a reservation. Thought maybe we could get a little dinner first. Roz: You mean... eat together? Bulldog: Yeah. I'll be right back. He kisses her and exits to the control booth. Roz is stunned. Frasier: Oh, that's beautiful, Roz. Roz: Oh God, this ruins everything! Frasier: What? Roz: Well, didn't you hear what he said? He wants to buy me dinner. Do you realize what this means? Frasier: They finally opened that new Hooters out by the airport? Roz: No. He's crossed the line. He actually thinks we're dating! Frasier: Roz, didn't your mother warn you that s*x could lead to things like dating? Roz: [shaken] Look, that is it. I'm going to put an end to this before it goes too far. Bulldog comes back into the studio, a bemused expression on his face. Bulldog: I don't believe it. They just fired me. Frasier and Roz are shocked. Bulldog tries to brazen it out, but he's very upset. Frasier: What? Bulldog: Yeah. They said my ratings are low, the show's losing its edge, I'm getting soft. My last day's Friday. Frasier: [concerned] Oh, Bulldog, I'm so sorry. Are you all right? Bulldog: No, I'm not. [slamming the counter weakly] This stinks. This is total B.S. [breaking into tears] You don't think I'm getting soft, do you? Frasier: No, no, not at all. [handing him a tissue] Here. Bulldog: [blowing his nose] I just thank God I got a girlfriend like you, Roz. I don't think I can face this alone. He walks over to her and hangs his head, expecting to be comforted. Roz shoots Frasier a panicked look, but Frasier nods at her to comfort him. Bulldog forces the issue by enfolding her in a big hug, which she barely tolerates. Roz: [lightly patting his back] There, there. Frasier grabs Roz's hands and places them around Bulldog's back in a comforting hug as he slips out the door. [SCENE_BREAK] MOON AROUND THE RING Scene Two - Frasier's Apartment - Morning Frasier enters in his dressing gown with his hands behind his back as Martin reads the paper at the table. Frasier: Daphne! Morning, Dad. Martin: Hey. Daphne comes in from the kitchen, her left hand buried in a bag of cheese doodles. Daphne: Yes? Frasier: Daphne, please. Donny's not here. Will you just take your hand out of the bag? She does, looking sheepish. Frasier: I was just undressing to take my bath, when I sat on the edge of the tub and landed... [holds up her ring] on this. Daphne: Oh my God, you found my ring! [hugging him] I'd given up, I thought it was someplace I'd never find it! Frasier: It very nearly was. [Martin guffaws] Daphne: Come on, let me have it. Frasier: [indicating her messy hand] No, no, no, you go rinse off this doodle dust first. Daphne: Oh, right, yes. She runs into the kitchen. Martin: Well, you sure saved Daphne there. Frasier: Yes, and I also did myself a little favor as well. Can you imagine what conclusions Faye might have jumped to had she found this engagement ring in my room? Faye comes in from the bedroom and overhears him. Faye: Oh, Frasier, for me? I had no idea! Frasier: Well, actually, uh... Faye: [grabbing the ring] It's beautiful! It's so beautiful! Yes, Frasier, I do! I do! She gives him a big kiss. He gropes for words to explain. She looks at him knowingly. Faye: Oh, calm down, you big dope. I know it's Daphne's ring. She hits him playfully as Martin laughs. Faye: And, uh, I can't tell you how flattered I am by those beads of sweat on your forehead. She goes into the kitchen. Frasier: [calling after her] Well, they're love beads, honey! [to Martin] Oh God, will you take this thing? Martin: [taking the ring] Well, I don't want it! What if Bonnie sees me with it? Bonnie comes in from the bedroom. Bonnie: Sees you with what? Martin: [flustered] Daphne, will you come in here and take this damn ring, please? Daphne: [o.s.] Coming! Martin: [seating Bonnie] Sit down and have a little coffee. Daphne and Faye return from the kitchen as Donny emerges from Daphne's room in robe and slippers. Donny: Good morning, everybody! Another full house, I see. Frasier: Yes, and that robe is available for purchase in the gift shop. Donny: Hi. [kissing Daphne and noticing her hand] Oh, you found your ring! Daphne: What? You knew it was gone? Donny: Well, Daphne, when your fianc e gives you a hug with a chicken on her hand, then bells go off. Daphne: I'm sorry- Donny: Oh, that's okay, honey. [kisses her] You know, I didn't want to say anything because I knew it would turn up sooner or later, and I didn't want to make you feel worse. Frasier: As long as we're tying up loose ends here, I was just wondering, what was your ring doing on the edge of my Jacuzzi tub, right next to my favorite scented candle - which was burned down to the wick? Daphne: I'm going to let my attorney handle this one. She exits to her bedroom as Frasier nods wryly. Donny: I'm sorry, Frasier. I guess after a little champagne we got into the mood, and into the nude, and into the tub. But don't worry, we'll replace the candle. Frasier: If only you could replace the image. Next time, if you don't mind, will you just turn down the temperature a little? Donny: Actually, we tried, but the knob was stuck. Bonnie: Yeah, it does that. You gotta jiggle it a little. Frasier is shocked that Bonnie and Martin have been using his tub too. The doorbell rings and Martin gets up to answer it. Martin: Don't worry, it's not what you think! We use it to give Eddie a bath. This doesn't make Frasier feel any better. Donny exits to Daphne's bedroom. Martin opens the door to find Kit with Niles. They are dressed in matching black leather jackets for club-hopping, Niles wearing a black t-shirt and pegged pants and looking bleary-eyed but happy - and VERY relaxed. Frasier is exasperated at Niles's attempt to recapture his youth. Martin: Oh, hi, guys! Kit: Good morning! Frasier: Well, you're up early. Niles: You mean still up. We never went to bed. Kit: We'll get there! Niles gloats as Kit grabs at him lustily. Martin: What did you do all night? Niles: Oh, what didn't we do? We started off at a concert, wonderful group called Uncle Dirtnap. Then we danced the night away at every club in the U district before finding ourselves at an after-party at Kit's friend Massimo's place. He's a squatter. Anyway, I wanted to give Kit the keys to my building and I remembered I have a spare set here, so I thought we'd pop by. Frasier: Oh, well then, let me get them for you. I can offer you a pastry, courtesy of Le Cigare Volant. Faye holds out a plate of pastries. Kit: Oh, no thanks. You know, those things are loaded with bleached flour. That stuff's poison. She takes out a cigarette, which Niles lights without batting an eye. Faye registers this insult to her pastry-making. Kit: Oh, Niles, give me your cell phone. I'll call the travel agent. Martin: You going on a trip? Kit: Yeah, he's taking me to France for the weekend. Euro-Disney! Niles: Massimo said we just had to go. Apparently it is so lame, it's cool. Kit walks out to the balcony with the cell phone and her cigarette. Faye: [getting her coat] Well, I should get going. Places to go, people to poison. Bonnie: I should get going too. [to Martin] I'll pick up Lady and meet you and Eddie at the park at 10:30? Martin: Better make it 11:00. Faye and Bonnie leave. Niles: [whispering so Kit doesn't hear] Frasier, isn't she great? Frasier: Oh, yes. Niles: She's so free, so spontaneous. She has breathed new life into me. They both watch as Kit is doubled over with smoker's cough out on the balcony. Frasier: You may have to return the favor. Niles: [as they sit down at the table] Am I detecting disapproval? Frasier: No, Niles, not at all, just... Well, all right. Don't you think you two are going just a bit quickly? Niles: Oh, for the past year you have told me I had to get over Daphne, find someone else. Now I do and all you can do is find fault. Man, you are such a buzz kill. Frasier: Will you stop talking like that? I'm just a little concerned, Niles. You met this girl last week, she's spent every night with you, now you're giving her the keys to your apartment? Niles: I think you're just jealous. Frasier: Jealous? Niles: Yes. Here I have attracted this untamed, free spirit, and you're saddled with an uptight pastry chef whose name you can't even remember. Frasier: Her name is Faye! And I am not jealous, I'm just a little worried about you. I'm afraid you might get hurt. Niles: Oh. Here we go. Whatever would I do, without my wise older brother to tell me what to do? Frasier: Well, frankly, you couldn't be acting more like a child. You think I don't know the real reason you came over here? It wasn't to get your keys, it was to show off Lolita's kid sister out there. The two of you have absolutely nothing in common. Niles picks up Kit's purse as she comes in from the balcony. Kit: Well, we're all set for Euro-Disney! Niles: Great. You ready to go home? Kit: Oh, sure. Bye, Frasier. Frasier: Bye. Kit: Oh, I'm so excited for this trip! I'm going to spend all my time at Fantasy Land. They head out the door. Frasier: Oh, Niles? [Niles turns back to listen] I'm sorry, I take it back. You do have something in common. [SCENE_BREAK] END OF ACT THREE ACT FOUR SOONER OR LATER EVERYONE COMES TO CAFE NERVOSA Scene One - Caf Nervosa - Morning In the back of the caf , Kit jumps into Niles's lap and kisses him as he tries to read the newspaper. He looks pleased. Frasier and Roz look on cynically as Frasier sits down at her table. Frasier: Isn't that a darling sight? Time was when a waitress said, "Can I warm that up for you?" she was talking about your coffee. How was your date with Bulldog last night? Roz: Hideous. He took me to a nice restaurant, he brought me flowers, and then we went back to his place and cuddled. All I could think of the whole time was, "How do I dump this loser?" Frasier: Oh, Roz... Roz: He's meeting me here for coffee and I'm ending this thing once and for all. Frasier: [looking back at Kit and Niles kissing affectionately] Yeah, well, good luck getting a cup of coffee. You know, it's the funniest thing. He really does look happy, doesn't he? Roz: Yeah, so just leave it alone. Frasier: Maybe you're right. [dialing his cell phone] Do you realize that this is the first time in recent history that all three Crane men have been in happy relationships? Maybe I should be celebrating that fact rather than being such a buzz kill. Roz: What does that mean? Frasier: Oh, Roz, plug in. [on the phone, leaving a message] Hi, honey, it's Frasier. Listen, I just read a marvelous review of this charming boite out in Freemont and I thought to myself, "that is a place that Cassandra would just love," so- Roz: [whispering urgently] Frasier! Frasier: [aside to Roz] Not now, Roz, please. Roz: You just called her Cassandra! Frasier: [realizing she's right] Oh, dear God, I'm- [on the phone] My producer Roz informs me that I just called you Cassandra. I'm sorry, I don't know why I keep doing this. I know that you're Faye. Fabulous Faye! Forever Faye! Call me, Faye. [hanging up, to Roz] It is one syllable! What the hell is wrong with me? Roz starts laughing. Frasier: Well, I'm glad to see that you think it's funny. Roz: No, I don't, I just... I'm having a flashback to my summer of Ted, Todd, and Tad. Bulldog enters the caf and comes over to their table, handing Roz a cute stuffed dog which she accepts reluctantly. Frasier gets up to move. Bulldog: Hey, sports fans! Frasier: Oh, uh, Bulldog, hi. You know what? You may have my seat. I'm going to sit over there. [He leaves.] Bulldog: All right. [sitting down with Roz] Hey, gorgeous. Roz: Look, Bulldog, you and I need to talk about what's been going on between us. Bulldog: I know. He takes her hand. She jerks it away. Roz: [hissing] We're in public! Bulldog: Look. [hand on his heart] I want to tell you what's going on in here, okay? Roz: Bulldog, I don't want to know-- Bulldog: Roz, I've gotta be honest with you. This past week has been amazing, but... I met a total babe at unemployment this morning and we're going to Hawaii this afternoon. Roz: What?! Bulldog: I know, I know. Getting dumped - ouch. It hurts like hell. Roz: No, I don't believe this! I came here to dump you! Bulldog: Hey, whatever you gotta say to get through this, it's okay with me. Roz: But- Bulldog: I know, I know. I didn't mean to make you fall in love with me. Roz: [inarticulate with rage] I didn't! You repulse me! Bulldog: [loudly, rising to leave] Hey, love hurts, Roz. And I'm not talking about the time we fell off the kitchen table. Aloha, old friend. Roz: [grabbing the stuffed dog to attack him] Bulldog, you cuddle lousy and I'm glad you got fired! Bulldog exits as Roz throws the dog after him. Frasier looks on, bemused, and another caf patron lowers his newspaper to get a closer view. It's Noel, looking sly. Noel: [to Roz] Well, timing is everything. Roz: Back off, buzz kill! She flees to the bathroom. Noel looks after her, then raises his paper again as Martin comes in and spots Frasier sitting alone. Martin: Hi, Frasier. Frasier: Oh, hey, Dad. Martin: [at the counter] Black coffee to go, please. Martin sits down with Frasier. Frasier: You okay? Martin: I just broke it off with Bonnie. Frasier: Oh, gee. I'm so sorry. What happened? Martin: Lady humped Eddie. Frasier: Excuse me? Martin: You heard me. It was humiliating. Frasier: But Eddie's a boy dog and Lady's a... well, a lady. Martin: Yes, well, that would be the humiliating part, now wouldn't it? Right in his own park in front of all those other dogs. [Frasier starts smiling] Yeah, Bonnie got a big kick out of it, too. Frasier: Sorry. Martin: I told her off and that was it. Frasier: [chuckling] I'm sorry, Dad. Martin: It's not funny. Frasier: I know, I know, I know. [trying to be serious, then] Was he wearing a hat? [laughs] Martin gets up disgustedly to leave as Faye comes in. Frasier: No, Dad, please, come back... Faye: Hi, Martin. Martin: [leaving] Hey, Faye. Frasier: Hi, honey. Faye: [kissing him] Hi. I was near the station so I just thought I'd see if you were around. Frasier: Oh, great. [to Roz, returning to her table] Oh, Roz, you remember... Faye! Roz: Hi, Faye. Faye: You were going to say Cassandra, weren't you? Frasier: No, no. Why would you think such a thing? Faye: Well, for one, I just checked my messages. Frasier: Oh, I'm so sorry. I don't know why it keeps happening. You just have this remarkable resemblance to- Faye: I know, I know. Your aunt. [going to the ladies' room] I'll be right back. Frasier: [to Roz] I have got to stop saying Cassandra! Cassandra comes into the cafe and spots them. Cassandra: Frasier! Frasier: Cassandra! Roz: Hi, Cassandra. Frasier: So, how've you been? Cassandra: Great. Actually I've been wanting to talk to you for a while. We've been sort of... avoiding each other at work and it just all seems so silly. I mean, I really don't have any hard feelings about the way things ended between us. Frasier: Oh, well, that's wonderful. Neither do I. Cassandra: You dumped me. You're not allowed to have hard feelings. Anyway, my life is great. I'm back together with Sloan. You know, you and I should have coffee together sometime. Faye returns from the bathroom. Cassandra doesn't see her, and neither does Frasier at first. Frasier: That'd be nice, yes. Cassandra: I'm just glad we're putting all this awkwardness behind us. Frasier: Me, too. [SCENE_BREAK] She moves to hug him, and he is willing until he spots Faye approaching. Then he twists Cassandra's arm and turns it into a painful handshake that doesn't fool Faye. Cassandra: Ouch! Faye: [to Cassandra] Hello. Cassandra: Hello. Frasier: [sweating] Well... Roz: [jumping in] Whoa! I've gotta get back to work. [to Cassandra] Going back to the station? Cassandra: Uh, yes... Roz: [pushing her out the door] Good, I'll walk with you. Oh my God, look at the time. We've got to hurry. Bye, Faye. Bye Frasier. Frasier: Bye-bye. Love you. Roz: [leaving] Yes, you do! Faye: Who was that? Frasier: You know Roz. Faye: No, the other one. Frasier: Oh, she's the, um, promotions director. Faye: Well, she's gorgeous. Don't you think so? Frasier: I don't know, I never really looked. Faye: Well, don't start looking now. [kissing him, then exiting] If I'm going to stay I should feed the meter. Frasier: Lucky meter. He savors his narrow escape as Niles comes over to the table and sits down. He's once again wearing his usual elegant suit. Niles: Hey there, Frasier. Frasier: Oh, Niles, hi. Listen, Niles, I want to apologize for getting upset this morning. I've been giving it some thought and I think maybe Kit is just what the doctor ordered. Niles: [gloating] Is she ever! Frasier: And no strings? Just fun, right? That's what she says. Niles: Exactly. So, you really like her? Frasier: Yes, I do. Niles: And you're not just saying that? Frasier: Absolutely not. Niles: You want her? Frasier: Excuse me? Niles: Frasier, she's killing me. I'm just not cut out for this lifestyle. Between seeing myself in a mirror at the club dancing my modified Charleston, and then catching my reflection in the store window this morning as I Rollerbladed past in spandex, I feel like I'm being stalked by some pathetic middle-aged ghoul. Obviously, I've got to break it off with her. Frasier: Oh, gosh. I'm so sorry, Niles. You going to tell her now? Niles: No, I'll arrange to meet her after work. To tell you the truth, I think she's losing interest herself. I couldn't help noticing a little eye-rolling today when my skate wheel got stuck in a storm grate. [gets up] And... thanks for not saying "I told you so." He walks over to the counter where Kit is picking up a tray of coffees. Niles: Hey, Kit, there's something I wanted to talk to you about later. Kit: Just talk to me now. You know you can tell me anything. Niles: No, I'd rather do it after your shift. Kit: You have such a serious face. [jokingly] What, are we breaking up or something? Niles: Well... Kit drops her tray in shock, shattering coffee cups and thus drawing the attention of the whole caf . Kit: Oh my God! You just dumped me? Right here where I work in front of everyone I wait on? Niles: That's okay, we'll go outside. Kit: [yelling hysterically] Give me an answer! Niles: [appalled] Kit, Kit, calm down- Kit: You're tired of me? Is that what it is? Niles: It's all right- Kit: You've had enough of me? I gave you everything and you used me! s*x, s*x, s*x! The way you come to bed every night - wanting it, begging for it! Niles: I never had to beg! Kit: I'm just a whore to you, aren't I? Niles: [shocked] No, don't say that! Kit: That's all I am, your whore! Your whore from the caf ! She runs out of the cafe as Niles stands stunned amid the broken crockery. The other patrons stare at him in dead silence as he attempts to explain. Niles: It's really more of a compatibility thing. I'm recently divorced and I've been under a lot of strain... Frasier goes over to rescue him. Niles: It's been very painful for everyone... Frasier: Niles, they're strangers. It's all right, Niles. Let's just pick this up, shall we? They gather the broken china as Faye comes back into the caf . Faye: What happened? Frasier: I'm not really sure, actually. Just give me a minute, will you? Cassandra comes in and approaches Faye. Cassandra: Excuse me, is Frasier still here? I just had something I needed to ask him. Faye: Oh, yeah, he's over there. I didn't get a chance to meet you before. I'm Faye. [holds out her hand] Cassandra: [takes it] Oh, how do you do? I'm... Frasier: [seeing them together] NOOOO!!! The action GOES INTO SLOW MOTION as the two women shake hands and Frasier dives across the caf to separate them, knocking Niles aside and sending dish towels and china flying. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene Two - The Piano Bar - Evening Frasier is sitting at the bar talking to the bartender as one of the patrons (Jack) noodles around on the piano quietly. [N.B. The set is the same as Granville's singles bar in [4.6] "Mixed Doubles."] Frasier: [looking around] You know, this is a charming little place. I live right around the corner but I've never been in before. Bartender: What'll it be? Frasier: Martini, straight up, two olives - henceforth known as "the usual." Niles wanders in and comes over to Frasier. Niles: Hey. Frasier: Niles! Niles: I called Daphne. She said you'd be here. Frasier: Oh, yeah. Niles: Cozy room. I guess it'll have to do, because the old whoremonger won't be going back to Nervosa anytime soon. Frasier: Yeah. I'm pretty much exiled from Le Cigar Volant with Faye working there. The bartender hands Frasier his drink. Frasier: Thank you. Niles: Well, I plan to get stinkin' tonight. [to bartender] May I see your wine list? Niles studies a small card the bartender hands him as Frasier sips his martini and Martin enters the bar with Eddie on a leash. Martin: Hey, guys. Frasier: Dad! What are you doing here? Martin: I saw Niles's car outside, so I thought I'd stop in for a drink. I can't go to McGinty's anymore with Bonnie there, and Eddie's taking a break from the park. Frasier: Well, come join us here on Elba. Martin wraps Eddie's leash around a vacant barstool and sits down next to Frasier. Bartender: What can I get you? Martin: Jameson's on the rocks. Niles: [handing back the wine list] And I'll try the... white. The bartender looks amused, but says nothing. Niles: Well, here we are again - losers in love. Frasier: Yeah. I don't know what's wrong with me. I seem incapable of maintaining a relationship. I date a nice girl like Faye, things seem to be working out, and I seem to find a way to blow it. It seems to be the pattern of my life. Well, except with Lilith. She was just nuts. Niles: At least you take your time. I don't date, I leap. Headfirst. [accepting his wine from the bartender] Thank you. More often than not I get my heart broken - by Maris... [sipping the wine and grimacing at its flavor] By Daphne, even if she didn't know it. At least Kit only broke my box spring. Frasier: All I can conclude is that I must have some deeper issues with women that manifest themselves in my behavior. The trick is to pinpoint them. Niles: Well, you know what I'm thinking? I'm thinking of taking some time off and going into deep analysis. Frasier: That's not a bad idea, Niles. Stephen Bachman is at the absolute pinnacle of psychodynamic research. Perhaps we should see him. Niles: If we went in together we could get a rate. Frasier: Yeah. Shouldn't take more than a year or so... Niles: I think that's optimistic... Martin: Jeez, how do you guys get up in the morning? You want to go into deep analysis? Listen to me, I'm your father. There's nothing wrong with either one of you. [to Frasier] You dump a woman but you can't get her off your mind, so you end up getting dumped by the other one. And you should have stayed with the first one anyway, she was hotter. [to Niles] And you? You're just learning how to date. I mean, it would have been nice if it had happened 25 years ago, but you play the cards you're dealt. Me? I like Bonnie, Bonnie's dog humps Eddie, I don't like Bonnie anymore. It doesn't mean I have "issues with women," it's just life, you know? Good stuff happens and bad stuff happens, that's all. You've just gotta look on the bright side. It's like that old song - "You Gotta Accentuate the Positive." Frasier: Maybe Dad's right. We do tend to over-analyze things. Martin: Hey. I got an idea. [going over to the piano] Let's go over here. Let's do a little singing. Niles: Dad... Martin: [to Jack] Hey, buddy, can you play "Accentuate the Positive"? Jack: Oh, no, I'm just noodling around. The real pianist doesn't come till 9:00. Martin: Well, you can fake it, can't you? Jack: Well no, not really. I actually only know three songs - "America the Beautiful," "Happy Birthday" and "Goldfinger." Frasier: That's all right, buddy- Martin: No, come on guys, we were gonna sing a happy song, let's sing a happy song. [to Jack] Uh, play "Goldfinger." Niles: We don't know the words to that. Martin: Oh, come on, you knew it when you were kids! It'll cheer you up, come on. [to Jack] Hit it. Reluctantly the guys follow Martin over to the piano and stand awkwardly as Jack launches into "Goldfinger." Jack: [plays opening bars, then sings] Weh-weh-weh, Weh-weh-weh... Martin: [prompting] Goldfinger... All: [singing, Frasier and Niles bored] "Goldfinger!" Martin: He's the man, the man with the Midas touch. All: "He's the man, the man with the Midas touch..." Martin: A spider's touch. All: "A spider's touch..." Martin: Such a cold finger. Frasier: Dad, this is ridiculous. Martin: Oh, come on, sing it! All: "Such a cold finger... [Frasier and Niles start remembering and getting into it] "Beckons you to enter his web of sin..." Martin: That's it! All: "But don't go in!" They are singing along and boogeying enthusiastically. [SCENE_BREAK] END OF ACT FOUR

Frasier is focused on Faye, but he keeps saying "Cassandra"; meanwhile, Roz has an unfortunate fling and Martin's relationship with Bonnie goes to the dogs.

fd_The_O.C._02x02

fd_The_O.C._02x02_0

Opening scene - we see a gorgeous shot of the water, then we see a comic book in a clear plastic bag. the comic is called 'plastic man'. the camera pulls back a little and we can now see that Seth is holding the comic, in the pool house. Ryan is also there Seth: we could not go Ryan: (off screen) can't not go Seth: we can so not go, we already missed registration its not like anyone's expecting us Ryan: your mom called the school man Seth: (mocking) oh did did my mom call the (normal) your the bad boy ok (Ryan looks at him) your the outsider your spose'to be leading me into temptation not home room Ryan: its jus the first day'a school man Seth: yeah exactly, an entire day of just...Ashton Kutcher's knuckle knocking an going on an on about summer (Ryan looks at him) the...summer not my- the-the season not the person (sighs) at this point how would I even know Ryan: what you haven't called her yet Seth: umm before you read this (holds up comic) remind me to explain the difference to you between plastic man and elongated man Ryan: so that's a no then Seth: when would I of had the time to call her, I've jus got back into town an I have three months of back issues to bag an board (Ryan sits in a chair near him) and on top of that now, apparently I don't know, I have'to go to school Ryan: coulda called her from Portland Seth: I did call her from Portland, every day an I got her voicemail until she finally picked up an said if I ever call her again her father will have me killed Ryan: so Summer has no idea your back Seth: killed Ryan as in dead Ryan: so that was months ago, she's probably moved on by now Seth: (hurt) i'm sorry...moved on Ryan: ...gotten over it (hopeful) Seth: gotten over it...why because (shrugs) I jus I meant nothing to her Ryan: (gives up) i'm gonna brood, silently...over here Seth: (softly) no she's gonna have me killed Ryan: she's not gonna have you killed Seth: fine then maybe you're right she will ignore me which would be worse Ryan: so Summer's ben ignoring you for years, you can take it Seth: yeah but that was before I knew what it's like to not be ignored (shakes his head) why should I have'to go back to that, why Ryan: because you left for three months without telling her... Seth: so you're saying it's my fault Ryan: well you are kinda the one who left Seth: yeah because'a you Ryan: oh so it's my fault Seth: (shrugs) do you think she'll buy that Ryan: Seth jus talk to her (stands) Seth: an say what exactly Ryan: I don't know, i'm sorry maybe Seth: really...(thinks) i'm sorry...is that what you said to Marissa Ryan: ...no, but i'm going to Seth: (smiles) oh oh ok (Ryan moves his head side to side & has a 'yeah yeah' expression) then so it turns out, what'do you know i'm not the only coward in the room Ryan: no i'm jus gonna see her at school, I know that Seth: really your jus gonna walk up to her infront'a the entire student body an be all hey an just hope she hey's ya back Ryan: (smile goes) (Seth raises his eyebrows at him) yeah we're not goin'to school (Seth smiles) Theme song - California by Phantom Planet Ryan and Seth are coming out of the pool house now Seth: ok man listen whatever happens today at school the important thing is that the Ryan/Seth teams back in action ok, together there's nothin we can't face (we see them walk through the door into what use to be the dining room. there is furniture everywhere covered in plastic everywhere) Seth: (sees) i'm movie ta Portland (Sandy, Kirsten and Archie are already in the kitchen) Sandy: morning men Seth: hey Sandy: sleep well Seth: no Kirsten: ready for your first day'a school Seth: no Sandy: there's bagels Kirsten: coffee Archie: love some thanks Sandy: an then there's Archie Seth: yeah will you explain to me this whole remodeling thing again (Ryan sits at the bench) Sandy: your mother got bored this summer Kirsten: your father was complaining that he didn't have a place for his surfing memorabilia Sandy: (nods) oh, so it is my fault (Kirsten looks at him) Archie: we'll be outto the kitchen by dinner Sandy: how bout the rest'a the house (phone rings) Archie: isn't that the phone Kirsten: Sandy Sandy: honey i'm mid smear (referring to his bagel) Kirsten: I am late for work Sandy: (frustrated) well if I could find it, maybe id answer it (Archie holds out the phone to Sandy, Kirsten gives up and takes it) Kirsten: hello...hello (hangs up) hm hung up Archie: ah I hate it when they do that Kirsten: I-I I called the school, so your registered you just have'to go by the office an fill out some paperwork, your fathers gonna go with you incase there's any problems Seth: (unenthusiastically) alright Sandy: I thought you were gonna take em Kirsten: I have a meeting Sandy: I have a meeting Seth: hey if it's too much trouble maybe we should stay home (phone rings) Kirsten: I have to go (Sandy puts his hands out, as if to say 'I don't know') (Archie puts the phone in front of Sandy) Sandy: (answers it) hello Kirsten: (walks over to Seth & Ryan) i'm really glad that you guys (kisses Seth's cheek) are home (kisses Ryan's cheek) Seth: good then maybe we should reserve (?) Sandy: (frowns) he's where (the 3 look at Sandy) you don't know (Seth looks at him) (to them) it's the office (phone) alright ill find him thankyou (hangs up) I have to go Kirsten: yeah, I have to go (Sandy puts his hands out again) Archie: you want me to take em (Kirsten and Sandy look at him, then Seth and Ryan) CUT TO: Harbor school - Ryan and Seth arrive sitting in the back of Archie's ute. it stops and they both jump out Seth: not an auspicious way ta start the school year (waves at Archie) Ryan: (waves) thanks Archie, don't worry about it man i'm sure nobody saw (we see Marissa and Summer looking in their direction. Marissa squints, Summer's smile goes - Ryan and Seth see them and stop walking) Seth: oh my god Summer: oh my god Ryan: oh my god Marissa: (happy) oh my god! (runs to them) Ryan! (Seth waves to Summer and Summer turns around and walks away) Marissa: (smiles) hey Ryan: (smiles) hey (they hug) Seth: oi, wish me luck Ryan: yeah Seth: (off screen) Summer Marissa: (suprised) uh what're you doing here Ryan: uh i'm back i'm-i'm back at the Cohen's back at Harbor i'm...i'm back Marissa: but how I mean what about Theresa Ryan: it's...kind of a long story Marissa: well I wanna hear it if you wanna tell me Ryan: ah yeah sure uh after school? Marissa: (smiles) after school, it's a date (walks off) (Ryan smiles) (Summer is walking up the steps, and Seth is trying to catch her) Seth: Summer (Summer keeps walking) are you jus not even gonna talk to me Summer: nope, sorry Cohen, you know maybe ill write you a letter an you can read it over an over trying'ta figure out what the hell I was thinking all summer Seth: (grabs her arm) will you jus wait a second- Summer: (stops) no I am done waiting for you Cohen (Seth looks at her) now if you'll excuse me, I have'to go meet my boyfriend (Summer walks off. Seth watches her leave then stands there with his eyes closed) Seth: boyfriend (puts his head down) CUT TO: A yacht - It's the yacht that Jimmy and Hailey have been living on. Hailey is on the phone Hailey: I cant believe this is happening...well how much are they offering...(suprised) wow...so when do we have'to be there...I cant...its too soon...well I still haven't told Jimmy yet...(we see Jimmy walking up in the background) cause I don't wanna hurt him Jimmy: hey (holding drinks) there you (spoken like a pirate) are...to be sure(?) Hailey: (phone) Jimmy's up, I gotta go...I will I promise, bye (hangs up) Susie says hi Jimmy: Susie (kisses Hailey) calls too early Hailey: it's almost nine Jimmy: whoa (Hailey laughs) Mimosa? (hands her drink) Hailey: (smiles) are you tryin'a get me drunk Jimmy: I - am trying to - keep you drunk, last night was (shakes his head) pretty - awesome (kisses her) Hailey: mm the whole summers ben awesome, beach the yacht...you Jimmy: noo...you (kisses her) your the one (kiss) listen (kiss) i've got a really good idea an I want you ta Hailey: mm-hmm Jimmy: (kiss) an I want you to really concentrate on it ok Hailey: mm-hmm mm-hmm Jimmy: we should keep the boat for another month an we'd go down to Cabot(?) Hailey: Jimmy we can't Jimmy: why cant we, come on its not like either of us have jobs that we have to go back to...come on look I'll-I'll-I'll manage my portfolio online and uh you know this way summer never has'to end (kisses her) you know (kiss) right, am I right Hailey: (smiles) right Jimmy: right Hailey: right (Jimmy laughs) right CUT TO: Harbor school - Ryan is in the career advisors? office, talking to her about his options Ms Fisher: so I put this schedule together for you (hands it to him) which you'll probably hate which is fine Ryan: no i'm sure its ok, thanks Ms Fisher: I uh based it on the schedule from last year (impressed) nice GPA by the way Ryan: really, thanks (smiles) Ms Fisher: yeah, so is there anything missing, favourite subject, favourite teacher, electives, anything Ryan: honestly I uh i'm jus happy not to be working construction right now so Ms Fisher: you know Ryan it's not too early to start thinking about colleges Ryan: uh thanks but I-I can't really afford college an i'm not about to let the Cohen's pay for it Ms Fisher: Ryan, you have great test scores, a solid GPA an if you work your ass off when you get out of here you can do whatever you want (Ryan looks down) the question is what'do you want Ryan: how do you mean Ms Fisher: well um what'do you like, what're you interested in Ryan: (thinks) I don't know uh (Ms Fisher looks at him) s-seriously I-I don't know Ms Fisher: (nods) oh ok, then I have an assignment for you (hands him paper) I want you to go ta your classes an then write down everything you like about them an everything you don't like about them an most importantly, why. then I want you to come by here tomorrow we'll go over it together an, make sure you get what you want Ryan: uh Ms Fisher i'm sure this schedules fine, really Ms Fisher: you'll find out, an let me know (stands) (Ryan stands) alright ill see you tomorrow Ryan: yep (leaves) CUT TO: Ryan outside at the lunch tables, he's working on his list and Seth walks over Seth: love letter to Marissa Ryan: no, no its a (Seth sits) (frowns) did uh did Ms Fisher give you an assignment Seth: uh no she didn't but then again you know I didn't get a warm cinematic embrace from anyone when I got ta school either Ryan: cute, did'you guys talk at least Seth: yeah we sure did, long enough for her to tell me she has a boyfriend Ryan: (sympathetic) ooooh buddy, i'm sorry Seth: it's alright man, you know what, I had a whole life at this school before Summer (nods) Ryan: (nods) sure Seth: one of an outcast maybe but ill have you know at one point I was a vital part'a the Harbor club scene Ryan: there's a Harbor club scene Seth: yeah sure, sailing club, film club and uh wait for it (Ryan looks at him) wait for it (pulls out flyer) comic book club check it out (hands it to Ryan) huh (we see what Ryan sees, the flyer is fluro pink, it has I WANT YOU.. then a picture of a boy that closely resembles Seth. in smaller letters is 'TO JOIN THE HARBOR SCHOOL COMIC BOOK LEAGUE' there is also a line or 2 of smaller writing which you cant work out. i'm assuming time/place details) Ryan: (turns the flyer around, points) who's this guy Seth: that's me with powers (Ryan nods, looking at him like he's crazy) the power to be handsome, what'do you think Ryan: I think this may have something to do with the whole, outcast thing Seth: no Ryan it doesn't listen Spiderman 2 do you know how much money that made at the box office, we're not outcasts anymore ok we're edgy we're like trail blazers Ryan: (looks at Seth) we... Seth: yeah du- listen Ms fisher says get involved right, well I need you to get involved on this, get involved get on board you me comic book club ok, an hopefully others (stands) pass those out I need ya to pass those out, thankyou (Ryan looks at him) Seth: (off screen) hey guys, comic book league check it out (on screen) we're gonna be gettin inta the issues, the stuff that matters (Ryan puts the flyers in his bag and stands) you know what I mean today's topic (Ryan walks off) capes gay or kinda cool (yells) Ryan you better be passin those out my man CUT TO: Marissa and Summer driving in Summer's car, they are headed to the mansion Marissa: (looks at Summer) thanks for takin me to go get my car Summer: anything to get away from Cohen (pulls into the drive way) do you wanna go get lunch after this Marissa: I should probably get back to school Summer: back to Ryan you mean (Marissa looks at her) so tell me is he taking you to the kick off carnival, are you guys gonna go for another (raises her eyebrows) spin on the ferris wheel Marissa: he said we'd talk after school Summer: about getting back together Marisa: no (shrugs) I don't know, would that be so bad Summer: no I mean...well its just, him an Cohen they jus cant think they can walk in an out of our lives whenever they want you know I (frowns) who's truck is that Marissa: that's the yard guys an he's blocking my car in the drive way (honks horn) again (honks) Summer: hey, hey, hey Marissa: (honks more) (yells) D.J you're blocking my car (honks) Summer: (smacks Marissa's hand) do not honk at D.J he's hot Marissa: (looks at Summer) he's the yard guy Summer: well he can park his truck in my driveway anytime Marissa: (gets out) ill see you back at school (waves) (Summer waves and reverses out. Marissa walks passed D.J and he looks at her, she looks at him and keeps walking) CUT TO: Marissa's room - Marissa is touching up her lipstick in the mirror, in the reflection we see D.J walk in. Marissa sees and turns around Marissa: (stands) what're you doing in here D.J: I work here (Marissa looks at him, D.J walks closer to her) Marissa: I have to go (walks closer to him) D.J: so go (D.J looks at her, Marissa looks at him then she kisses him) D.J: will I still see you today after school (touches her face) Marissa: ...I cant i'm sorry it's just D.J: hey its ok, don't worry (kisses her) I may still be here when you get back (Marissa nods, D.J leaves the room and Marissa watches him, she looks worried/unsure) CUT TO: Harbor school - Marissa is sitting on the couch in the student lounge drinking 'coffee' Summer sits next to her Summer: hey (sits) mm what are we drinking (takes it from Marissa and takes a sip) Marissa: Sum wait- Summer: (frowns, swallows) (softly) what are you drinking, did you spike your latte Marissa: (shrugs) its ben a weird day Summer: Marissa we're at school Marissa: yeah, exactly (Summer looks at Marissa then gets up and puts the drink in the bin. she turns around and walks back to the couch) Summer: what is going on with you (sits) did something happen with Ryan (Marissa has her head leaning on her hand, she looks at Summer) Marissa: (worried) what am I spose'to say to him Summer: (confused) about (shakes her head) Marissa: (closes her eye, opens them) about...D.J Summer: (frowns) D.J who in the hell is (realises) oh (whispers) my god the yard guy Marissa: yeah I know Summer: (whispers) Marissa, since when Marissa: since I don't know, all summer Summer: (hits Marissa) an you didn't tell me Marissa: (rubs her arm) ow, (softly) Summer I couldn't tell anyone...no one can find out about this Summer: ok, god that is so hot Marissa: no its not, believe me Summer: really (frowns) but he's so ripped Marissa: (explains) no he's great it's just... Summer: he's the yard guy Marissa: (confused) now Ryan's back an (sighs) I don't know what to do Summer: well just explain it ta him, he left and suddenly (raises her eyebrows) there was a hot hot yard guy, in the yard, he was hot...so you really didn't do anything wrong Marissa: if I didn't do anything wrong then why do I have'to tell him Summer: well if it really is over with D.J then I guess you don't (Marissa looks at her) lets go get you some coffee with actual coffee in it (pulls Marissa off the couch) CUT TO: some bar thing - Caleb is there drinking and Sandy walks in Sandy: (sits) two coffees please, black G: yes sir (Sandy takes the alcohol away from Caleb) Caleb: your gonna lose that hand Sanford Sandy: since when is scotch apart'a your nutritious brunch Caleb: (takes drink back) since the DA's office finally decided they had enough ta...indight me Sandy: so what'did they finally decide to charge you with Caleb: bribing certain city officials...to obtain building permits Sandy: (suprised) that's a new one (Caleb raises his eyebrows) is there any truth in it Caleb: (scoffs) please, why would I need to bribe anyone hmm, I uh I own this town Sandy: sure you do, you bought it Caleb: (softly) alright I admit...that I have done some things that i'm not too proud of but I did not do what they are accusing me of Sandy: well then they'll have no case Caleb: what they do have however, are documents, bank statements showing large sums of money being transferred from the Newport group to the city councilman's office Sandy: ...well how-how is that possible Caleb: ...I don't know (Sandy looks at him then away) will you help me Sandy: (looks at Caleb) how Caleb: (laughs) I was hoping you could tell me that (drinks) CUT TO: Harbor school - Seth is sitting at a table in the student lounge by himself, on the table is one of his comic book league flyers, Ryan walks over to him Seth: hey Ryan: ok, sorry i'm late Seth: no no your right on time buddy (Ryan sits) we're jus getting started, Ryan would you please take the minutes (hands him pen and paper) Ryan: (looks around) uh Seth it's just us Seth: yeah ah-huh write that down (loud) I now call to order this years first Harbor school comic book league meeting (we see a guy near them, he turns around and walks away) members include Seth Cohen (Ryan is looking around. embarrassed) (raises his hand) present, Ryan Atwood Ryan: uh Seth if it's just- Seth: (sternly) Ryan - Atwood Ryan: (raises his hand) present Seth (softly) if its just you an me can we maybe do this at home Seth: yeah we could but then we wouldn't get our pictures in the year book Ryan: yeah might not be such a bad thing Seth: yeah maybe you couldn't undermine me infront'a the league ok what about that (Ryan whispers something, I can't catch it sorry) (a guy walks up to them) Zach: hey um (Seth and Ryan stop arguing and look at him) i'm here for the comic book club Seth: (frowns) you are Ryan: (shocked) you are Zach: yeah why wouldn't I be Seth: umm (shrugs) cause your...on the water polo team Zach: what's that spose'to mean? (Seth raises his eyebrows at Ryan, Ryan looks at Seth) Seth: ok, uh-ha (move his head side to side) you wanna talk comics guy lets talk comics...what day'a the week do new comic books come out on Zach: (smiles) Wednesday Seth: what's wonder woman's secret identity? Zach: she doesn't have one Seth: true, which I think is a mistake by the way Zach: I know me too Seth: huh (looks at Ryan) (to Zach) who's your favourite super hero Zach: depends who's writing him but id have'to say Superman (Ryan is watching them both) Seth: sssshhh Superman (to Ryan) this guy (to Zach) he's too perfect guy Zach: no he seems perfect but he's not (sits down) I mean if you think about it (Ryan looks around the room) he's actually kinda messed up, I mean he lost his parents, he lost his whole planet he's like totally alone (Seth looks at him) an this is a guy who could take over the world if he wanted but he doesn't (Seth looks at Ryan out of the corner of his eyes) he just keeps helping people why would he do that y'know...unless, he was tryin'a make a connection, trying ta like find his way home (Seth looks at Ryan, impressed. Ryan half smiles) Seth: who's your favourite writer? Zach: (smiles) Bendis Seth: well hot damn (holds his hand out) welcome to the club Zach: (shakes Seth's hand) (smiles) thanks (Ryan just watches them in disbelief,lol) Seth: this is gonna be good, so today's topics we have some topics (Zach's still smiling) uh-hm the hulk he gets bigger all his clothes rip off except (points) his pants, why is that (the 3 of them are now walking outside) Zach: from now on we'll meet up every Wednesday Seth: yes Zach: hit the comic book store Seth: yes Zach: an then we'll hang out Seth: no that'll be awesome Zach: ok great (they shake hands) (shakes Ryan's hand) i'll hit you with those green (?) J-pegs alright Seth: yeah definitely do that (Zach walks off) Seth: dude I love that guy Ryan: yeah (walks) whoa- (puts his hand on Seth's chest) your not the only one (Seth is standing there with his mouth wide open. then we see what they see which is Summer and Zach kissing, then they stop and Summer smiles and talks to Zach) Seth: (puts his hands up to his mouth) no she cannot be dating him, that's not even possible!...how is that possible Ryan: a second ago you wanted'ta date him Seth: yeah that's because he's me, you see what she's doing don't you (points) she's basically dating the WASP version of me, it's so stupid Ryan: what you think Zach... Seth: yeah I actually do, look at him (Ryan looks) he's like what the conventionally attractive y'know athletic confident just...completely non neurotic...WASP...version of me (Summer and Zach walk off together. Seth closes his eyes and sighs, Ryan looks at him out the corner of his eye) CUT TO: The mansion - Marissa and Ryan are standing with their backs to the camera looking at the house Marissa: (sighs) so there it is, the haunted mansion Ryan: yeah, I am definitely not in Chino anymore (they start walking) Marissa: so have you talked ta Theresa at all...since... Ryan: since we lost the baby, no, no...we didn't really talk a whole lot while I was there either Marissa: so you weren't really a couple, I mean you never... Ryan: no no...it wasn't really like that, at all (Marissa smiles) so uh, so what about you, you um datin anybody Marissa: uh nooo i'm not - dating anybody Ryan: (smiles) ok so if your not dating anyone maybe you would wanna go to the kick off carnival with me tomorrow Marissa: (smiles) hmm well I don't know can we go on the ferris wheel, cause my last boyfriend was afraid of heights Ryan: poor guy, didn't know what he was missing (Ryan kisses her, Marissa opens her eyes and looks up to see D.J standing on the balcony watching them, DJ looks hurt then walks away. Marissa pulls away from Ryan) Marissa: come on (grabs his hands) I can't wait for you to see the rest of the house, an the look on my moms face when she sees you in it! (touches him on the shoulder) CUT TO: The yacht - Hailey and Kirsten are there together Kirsten: you got a job Hailey: well nooo it's not just a - job, it's a whole new career, in fashion Kirsten: Hailey Hailey: (smiles) an sales Kirsten: (smiles) Hailey Hailey: ...in Japan Kirsten: oi, how is Jimmy doing with that Hailey: he's great...he doesn't know Kirsten: Hailey... Hailey: I try'to tell him but he just seems so...happy all the time (Kirsten looks at her) he's making so much money in the market that all he wants to do is drink an sail an...go ta Cabot Kirsten: you poor thing Hailey: i'm too young for early retirement Kirsten: an your too old to keep running away Hailey: (sincerely) i'm not running this time, I have a shot to make a real future outto this, Jimmy jus seems kind of...stuck Kirsten: he loves you Hailey: (smiles) I love him too Kirsten: then you have'to tell him (Hailey sits there, thinking) CUT TO: The mansion - Sandy is helping a drunk Caleb up the stairs Caleb: I can walk on my own y'know Sandy: yeah when you're not drunk Caleb: (laughs) Sandy i'm not- (Caleb almost falls up the stairs) Sandy: whoa, oh no you're alright, your fine (Julie walks over to them) Julie: oh my god, Cal Sandy: oh...I spoke too soon Julie: (to Sandy) whats'a matter with him, is he alright...did he have a stroke Caleb: (waves it off) i'm fine Sandy: he uh, he had a bottle of scotch Julie: you got him drunk! Sandy: no I took him to lunch ta try'to get him sober Caleb: I am not - drunk (wobbles) Julie: somebody tell me what's going on Sandy: (looks at Caleb) Cal Caleb: i'm goin'a bed, the pleasure is all yours Sanford, enjoy (walks away) Sandy: (puts his head down) you may wanna si'down Julie: (frustrated) you may wanna just tell me Sandy: Caleb is gonna be indighted (Julie looks at him) I don't know when, but the DA's office has ben investigating him for uh...for a while now Julie: (nods) for how long (Sandy doesn't say anything) how long have they ben investigating him Sandy...since before the wedding (Sandy looks at her) (angry) son - of a - bitch Sandy: yeah well y'know, he-he didn't wanna worry ya Julie: is he going to jail Sandy: well there accusing him of bribing city officials an apparently they have proof (Julie breathes in) I wish there were something I could do Julie: no you don't, you despise him you despise me an you would love nothing more then to see us get exactly what we deserve right Sandy: (shakes his head) no, Julie no Julie: let me tell you something, if Caleb's going down you better believe Kirsten's going with him, so you better come up with something...or it wont be just my kids who lose everything (Sandy looks at her) (smiles) now if you'll excuse me I have'to go take care of my husband (walks away) (Sandy watches her leave, stunned) CUT TO: Cohen kitchen - Ryan is sitting at the bench doing his assignment, Kirsten comes in with groceries Kirsten: hey Ryan: hi Kirsten: how's it goin Ryan: (gets up) let me help you with that Kirsten: how was your first day at school Ryan: (unpacking) uhhh it was alright actually Kirsten: how'd it go with Ms Fisher, is that your assignment Ryan: oh she told you about that Kirsten: (nods) (smiles) yeah, yeah she called to tell me that uh she wants us all to sit down an start talking about colleges for you (Ryan looks at her) Ryan that is just fantastic (Ryan smiles) (Archie walks into the kitchen, followed by an angry Sandy) Sandy: where the hell are you goin Archie: your payin me to work aren't ya Sandy: I thought I was, I thought I was (to Ryan) Ryan did you tell her! Ryan: uh no but- Sandy: Ryan figured out why there is still no wall in our former family room Archie: there's no wall because- Sandy: (yells) because this genius (points) misread the blueprints an ordered the wrong size steel I beam, an then was hoping we wouldn't notice while he bills us for all the time its gonna take to get it right Archie: we're doin other things Sandy: yeah your drinkin our coffee, your eatin our bagels Archie: takin your kids to school, look I-I ordered the right I beam, they jus delivered the wrong one Ryan: Archie I get that but um, can I ask you somethin man if-if you (points on the house plans) just move the new wall out about ten inches couldn't you just use the I beam that you got Archie: you an architect kid? Ryan: no but I worked a little bit in construction- Archie: then don't tell me how'ta do my job Sandy: (yells) you have no right to talk to him like that, how come there's still couches in my kitchen, you said you'd be outto here by dinner time, what are ya lookin for another free meal Archie: you want us gone, we're gone (Kirsten watches stunned) get your little construction worker here to finish the job for ya (Ryan looks down) Kirsten: Archie don't go Archie: (puts his hand up) no, no, no, thanks for the coffee (leaves) Kirsten: please! Sandy apologise Sandy: I have nothing to apologise to him for, nothing and I am sick to death of-of putting myself on the line for this family (Kirsten looks at him) an getting nothing, if you wann'to apologise, apologise, i'm done (walks out) (Kirsten looks at Ryan, Ryan looks at Kirsten) CUT TO: Their bedroom - Sandy is sitting on the bed and Kirsten stands at the door, Sandy turns around and sees her Sandy: ill call Archie an apologise Kirsten: no...your right he should'a told us about the beams...ill uh ill call a new contractor in the morning (Sandy starts taking his shoes off) I know I wasn't the easiest person to live with this summer...I was just really upset about the boys being gone...an I took it out on you...i'm sorry Sandy: (walks over to Kirsten) y'know uh...what I said in there ...it wasn't about you Kirsten: thank god...cause you were scary Sandy: really, I was scary Kirsten: yeah (Sandy nods) I mean i've-i've never seen you go off on anyone like that except for my dad an (Sandy looks down) oh no what'did he do now [SCENE_BREAK] CUT TO: Seth's bedroom - Seth is sitting up on his bed with Captain Oats, he's look up at the ceiling. there's a knock at the door and he looks over. Ryan walks in Ryan: hey Seth: hey Ryan: you alright (grabs a chair) Seth: yeah i'm jus tired Ryan: (sits) (sighs) you missed all the drama Seth: its alright I think I got my quoto for the day...how'd it go with you an Marissa Ryan: she's gonna go to the kick off carnival with me tomorrow, you uh you wanna come with Seth: hang out with you...an Marissa an Summer an Zach...is that really how its gonna be from now on Ryan: probably, I don't know Seth: well great, can never hang out with you again, see ya Ryan: oh come on why not, doesn't mean we can't all be friends Seth: dude do you really think Summer's gonna wanna be friends with me after what I did to her...especially now that she has the Zach attack that guys like Superman Ryan: he's not Superman Seth: he's like the thoroughbred (moves Captain Oats) an i'm a monkey...with cymbals Ryan: alright so what're you gonna do, are you gonna spend a whole year with Captain Oats Seth: it's not like I have any choice Ryan: of course you do jus pick up the phone , call her, look be her friend Seth: (sighs) (sad) I cant man (shrugs) its too late, she's not gonna wanna hear anything I have ta say (shrugs, sad) (Ryan looks at Seth, thinking) CUT TO: The yacht - its night time and Hailey walks over to Jimmy, with drinks Hailey: ok (sighs) so what happened was Susie an I were roommates in Santo Cruz Jimmy: oh Hailey: (sits next to him) till we dropped out of college to start our own fashion line Jimmy: (suprised) you had your own fashion line Hailey: no because, we took all my dads money an moved to Paris an partied until I had to move back Jimmy: uh now that, is the America dream Hailey: (laughs) (Jimmy laughs) but Susie stayed in Paris, she got a job at Chanel an jus sold her first collection to a company in Japan Jimmy: uh...here's to Susie (raises his glass) Hailey: to Susie...who asked me ta be her sales rep an move...to Japan (Jimmy raises his eyebrows) more wine Jimmy: (frowns) she asked you to move to Japan Hailey: I know right Jimmy: so uh...what'did you say Hailey: I said id...talk to you about it Jimmy: (frowns) you're askin me to move to Japan Hailey: (smiles) no...you've got your kids, you have a whole life here an being with you has made me realise that I want all that, I want a job I want a future...I don't wanna run away anymore Jimmy: well then don't, you can have all that here Hailey: (shakes her head) I can't the moneys in Japan Jimmy: so ill-ill back you Hailey: no Jimmy I can't take your money [SCENE_BREAK] Jimmy: it wouldn't be my money, it'd be-it'd be our money (Hailey looks at him) (moves in front of her) marry me Hailey: (closes her eyes) what Jimmy: look i've-i've had an lost enough jobs to know that the only thing that's important in this life are the people in it an (Hailey looks at him) I want you...in my life Hailey, I wanna marry you (Hailey smiles) CUT TO: Summers room - Summer is sitting on her floor with her eyes closed meditating. there is a tape playing Tape: happy high vibrations attract happy high vibrational circumstances, yucky low vibrations (knock) attract Summer: (yells) i'm doing my homework (knock) ugh (turns off tape) you know if I fail (stands) intro to pre cal this semester all (opens door) because of you-(Ryan is standing there) Ryan uh i'm sorry I thought you were the evil step-monster Ryan: she let me in, she seems nice Summer: yeah well she just switched anti depressants, give it a day (Summer nods, Ryan nods, Summer looks at Ryan, Ryan looks at her, they both stand there uncomfortable) Ryan: can I come in Summer: sure (Ryan goes to walk in) wait did Cohen send you Ryan: no no he has no idea i'm here Summer: oh (Ryan walks in) Summer: (claps hands) so... Ryan: (claps hands) so... Summer: were you just in the neighbourhood Ryan: (smiles) no uh (walks closer) I owe you an apology I-it's my fault Seth took off last summer Summer: no Ryan stop it is so not Ryan: no if-if I hadn't left then you guys would still be together Summer: that - is not true, he would'a found some Coheny way to break us up, he...can't help it he's Cohen (Ryan sighs) come (picks up pillow) sit (sits) Ryan: ok um (sits on the fluffy pink pillow thing,lol) look uh I know you have a boyfriend- Summer: w-whoa no who told you that? Ryan: I thought you told Seth that Summer: well yeah to torture him (Ryan looks at her) no see Zach an I we're jus hanging out he is not my boyfriend, I do not want a boyfriend ok I had a boyfriend, he sailed away (makes a sailing motion with her arm) Ryan: which was wrong but...but-but he cares about you so much (Summer listens) an I-if you could- if you could jus give him another chance then maybe...we could all go back to the way that we were Summer: ...how (Ryan listens) you guys just left, for three months, you moved on, I moved on Marissa moved on Ryan: (confused) what Summer: ...I mean the way we were wasn't always so great, you guys had to deal with Marissa's mom (Ryan looks at her) Luke, Oliver, Theresa, an Cohen an I never should've hooked up...look just trust me on this...things are the way they are for a reason, you should go talk to Marissa (Ryan blinks) CUT TO: The mansion - Marissa walks down some stairs outside, and stops when she sees D.J Marissa: you can't keep calling me D.J, you shouldn't even be here right now we're in the middle of dinner D.J: who is he? Marissa: he was...my boyfriend D.J: so you're...back together now Marisa: (shrugs) i'm sorry D.J: you didn't look sorry when you were kissing him Marissa: that's not fair D.J: (upset) don't talk ta me about fair (Marissa looks at him) what were you doing with me all summer Marissa: (upset) I know, but he's my boyfriend D.J: an i'm the yard guy right Marissa: D.J come on D.J: you don't think I hear the way you talk about me around your friends Marissa: (teary) we agreed we wouldn't tell anyone D.J: because i'm the yard guy Marissa: (upset) because you could get fired D.J: (softly) well you know what...I quit, have fun explaining that to your mom (walks away) Marissa: (follows) D.J wait (crying) i'm not like that (D.J stops) you know i'm not like that (puts her head down) please D.J: (walks over to her) (softly) hey, don't cry (touches Marissa's face) hey please don't cry (he kisses her) (after a little while we see lights shining on them, Marissa stops kissing him and looks over. the camera changes and we see a car outside the front gate, camera changes again and we see Ryan is in the car looking at them, stunned - Marissa and D.J are now looking at him, Marissa is stunned and pulls away from D.J, D.J looks at her) CUT TO: The pool house the next morning - Ryan and Seth are in there. Seth is sitting on the bed, Ryan is walking around Ryan: so I pull in the driveway, Marissa's full on making out with some guy i've never seen before Seth: what'did you do Ryan: (sits next to Seth) nothing, I drove off Seth: I guess...you shoulda called first Ryan: (sighs) its just she said she wasn't dating anyone y'know Seth: maybe she's not maybe y'know they just hook up for s*x (Ryan looks at him) i'm sorry i'm just distracted, listen man I cannot believe you talked to Summer for me you- thankyou, that was just above an beyond'a you...now you just have'to help me get her back Ryan: Seth Seth: shh (puts his finger out) she said she wants to try again Ryan: yeah, as friends Seth: Ryan come on why would she go through all the trouble of telling you that Zach is specifically not her boyfriend if she just wanted us to be friends Ryan: Seth, why would she go through all the trouble of telling you she just wants to be friends if she doesn't Seth: because, she's hurt an she's scared an she's hiding behind walls (Ryan frowns) yeah an I will bring those walls down with one single grand gesture Ryan: no, no grand gestures Seth: yes i'm afraid Ryan: NO! Seth: it is time once again for me to stand on that proverbial coffee cart an declare my love for her, maybe ill do it at the carnival (Ryan is shaking his head with his eyes closed) you know what i'm sayin maybe it'll be a hot dog stand Ryan: ok alright alright, what'do I do about Marissa (looks at Seth) Seth: (shrugs) I don't know I mean what'do you wanna do Ryan: (sighs) you sound like Ms Fisher (remembers) oh! (stands up) I forgot to finish the assignment (sits down and works on it) Seth: hey, hey see where this is goin this is good, look (Ryan looks at him) Marissa's distracting you from school again, Summer an I are gettin back together the thing is by the end of kick off carnival, the four of us we're gonna be exactly the way we were (Ryan looks at him, unconvinced) CUT TO: Cohen kitchen - Sandy is in there cooking breakfast, Caleb is sitting at the bench and Kirsten walks in Kirsten: dad, what're you doin here Sandy: he's havin breakfast Caleb: Julie is not talking to me, she left me a note to say that she's booked herself into the montage for a three thousand dollar spa weekend Sandy: (walks to him with plates) but you get the Sandy Cohen lox scramble with a rye toast (puts it down) Kirsten: so, are ya here to see Sandy so he can bail you out again Caleb: (looks at her) (sighs) no, i'm not dragging Sandy into anything, before he put these eggs infront'a me he was the closest thing I have to a friend in this town...I came to apologise Kiki (Kirsten hesitates then looks at him) and to ask you to remember that whatever happens in that courtroom, I did what I did for this family (Kirsten looks away, Sandy looks at Caleb) Caleb: (stands) I should go Sandy: where to Caleb: ill be interviewing lawyers all day then I imagine that ill be at home tonight, shredding documents Sandy: ah don't do that...have dinner with us instead, I wont cook I promise, although (looks at Kirsten) if Kirsten's mad enough at ya, she might Caleb: I don't wanna be any trouble Kirsten: (walks over to Caleb) we'll order in (kisses Caleb on the cheek) (Sandy looks at Caleb, Caleb smiles and leaves) CUT TO: Harbor school - Ryan is in Ms Fishers office Ryan: so-so the thing is i-i'm not really a writer...at all, w-words are kinda not my thing, obviously uh so maybe if I had some more time Ms Fisher: (picks up something) w-what is this? Ryan: it's...what I was doing when I shoulda ben doing what ya asked me to do (frowns) Ms Fisher: yeah but um (points) what is it Ryan: it's uh the Cohen's new family room um actually (picks it up) that's that's uh what it should've looked like (shows her) but the contractor kinda didn't know what he was doing Ms Fisher: (smiles) can I see your schedule please Ryan: (pulls it out) yeah (hands it to her) Ms Fisher: because we're going to need to get you into some advanced math an science classes (Ryan frowns) some calculus, physics Ryan: whoa whoa whoa whoa um, why Ms Fisher: you'll need them if you wanna become an architect (Ryan looks at her) isn't that what you want (Ryan looks at her, thinking) CUT TO: Kirsten's office - she walks out of the door and Jimmy walks up to her Kirsten: hey Jimmy: you takin off Kirsten: yeah dads coming over for dinner tonight, I left a message on Hailey's cell inviting you guys but I never heard back Jimmy: oh that's cause uh, she's probably half way to Japan by now Kirsten: did she at least tell you or... Jimmy: yeah no she told me yeah uh-hm I jus didn't listen...I asked her ta...marry me instead Kirsten: (sad) oh Jimmy... Jimmy: no its good its good its-its you know i'm happy for her it's...you know it's what she always wanted so (shrugs) Kirsten: what'do you want (looks at him) Jimmy: I don't know, I thought I wanted to spend the rest'a my life with Hailey (shrugs) (sighs) it was-it was fun Kirsten: i'm sure, living on a yacht, drinking all day, sailing off to Cabot Jimmy: how come when you say it, it sounds bad Kirsten: (laughs) listen'a me (Jimmy listens) you can do whatever you want with your life, but your not gonna waste it, wont let ya (Jimmy looks at her) Hailey's made her move...what's yours (Jimmy shrugs, then they both walk off) CUT TO: The kick off carnival, its now night - Ryan and Seth are standing outside the entrance Seth: we can jus not go Ryan: we can't not go we're here (they start walking) Seth: (sighs) look at em oblivious havin fun, to them its all funnel cakes an fried snickers, just a chance ta mingle it up with the carnie foke an win a ...really awesome stuffed sock monkey Ryan: for us? Seth: but for us kick off carnival usually determines the course of our romantic lives for the entire year Ryan: no pressure Seth: well we did good last year, we did ok, you kissed Marissa on the ferris wheel, Summer threw up on my shoes (sighs) Ryan: I think I know how you felt(?) (Ryan sees Marissa standing at the ferris wheel by herself) Seth: i'm gonna go find a hot dog stand to climb, good luck (Ryan nods and looks at Marissa again and Marissa sees him, she puts her hand up to wave, Ryan slowly walks over) Marissa: I was gonna tell you Ryan: no you weren't, I asked you point blank an you lied Marissa: I didn't lie... Ryan: Marissa Marissa: (upset) what was I suppose'to do wait for you, you weren't coming back Ryan: I wanted you to tell me the truth (Marissa looks away, Ryan looks at her) Marissa: his names D.J, he works for my parents so we had to keep it a secret...from everyone...but we're not seeing each other anymore Ryan: after last night when he found out about me right (Marissa looks at him) look i'm sorry for right now we should...we should jus be friends Marissa: friends? (Ryan looks at her) Ryan we're not friends we were never just friends Ryan: I guess that was the problem then, see ya (Ryan walks away and Marissa watches him - Summer and Zach are walking together) Zach: so what'll it be a funnel cake or a fried snickers Summer: uh bottled water Zach: what, you can't come to a carnival an just have bottled water Summer: no I meant with the funnel cake an the snickers (laughs) (Zach stares at her) what (Zach kisses her) (Zach walks off then turns back with a huge smile on his face. Summer stands there smiling, then she looks at something, she closes her eyes shakes her head and looks again then squints. we see what she is seeing, which is Seth trying climb over a huge blow up hot dog, he tries to put his foot on the bottom of the but but it slips off so he puts one leg straight onto the counter. Summer makes a 'what now' expression then walks over to him. Seth is straddling the counter with one foot on one side, and the other hanging over the blow up hot dog) Summer: Cohen! (frowns) what're you doing Seth: nothin, why Summer: well it looks like your humping the hotdog stand Seth: no actually uh-hh Summer i'm not even humping anything (stands on the bench) you know how I love ta stand on counter tops in public places (Summer looks around) you know hotdog stands, coffee carts Summer: (realises, closes her eyes) oh no (shakes her head) Seth: because (loud) Summer Roberts Summer: (yells) Cohen do - not Seth: I LOVE YOU (Zach walks up to them) Zach: what? (Summer looks at him) Seth: (waves) Zach how's it goin Summer: Zach don't listen to him he's... crazy he reads comic books (makes a face at Seth) Zach: I know so do I Summer: you do (Seth 'tries' to step down from the counter but because the blow up hot dog is slippery it's more of a comedic fall/slide) Seth: Zach listen an I really hope that this doesn't effect the league, its jus that Summer an I sorto have a history Summer: but no future (to Zach) we are leaving (grabs his arm) Seth: wait, hold on a second jus let me- hear me out for a second Summer: Cohen! back - off I mean it Seth: fine jus hear me out for like one second Zach: (steps in) Seth, she said back off...please (Seth shrugs, Summer walks between them, Zach follows her and Seth stands there with his hands out. Ryan comes over) Ryan: you alright Seth: no but I have not yet begun to fight Ryan, ill grovel if it should come to that (Seth walks off, Ryan tries to say something but the words don't come, he goes after Seth - we see Seth running to the car park then a car moving through the car park. Seth runs around the cars and stops dead in the middle of where the car is headed, he puts his hand out and shuts his eyes. we hear a screech and Zach breaks. Summer undoes her seat belt and gets out of the car) Summer: (worried) Cohen (Zach watches her) (Seth slowly opens his eyes) oh my god are you ok Seth: yeah fine Summer: (hits him hard) god! Seth: ow Summer: (yells) what the hell do you think your doing, this isn't a game (pushes him) Cohen you could've gotten hurt! Seth: (rubs his arm) good thing I didn't Summer: (upset) ...what'do you want from me Cohen Seth: ...I just want you Summer: (shakes her head) no you don't (Seth looks at her) you had me...you had me at Chrismukkah in a freakin wonder woman costume and you chose Anna! (Seth looks at her) you had me three months ago and you left! Seth: and I wanna make that up to you Summer: (upset) it has nothing'to do with me, it is about you and it is always about you (Seth looks at her) what you need and what you want you know it seems that you only want me when you can't have me...you like the chase and that's all (Seth looks away) so you know what...you can have it, i'm going home (Summer walks back to the car, Zach watches then starts the car. Seth stands there sad. Zach and Summer drive off. Seth watches, in the background Ryan walks up to him) Ryan: alright man (grabs his arm) lets go (Seth puts his hand out, and sighs in disbelief. Ryan has his arm around Seth's back and they walk off) CUT TO: Cohen house - Sandy, Kirsten and Caleb are eating dinner on the floor of the living room, they are sitting on cushions around a little table. Seth and Ryan come in the front door Sandy: hey guys (Seth waves) your home early Kirsten: uh you hungry there's some mooshoo(?) left, do you want some Seth: grandpa you eatin on the floor Caleb: yes it has come to this (Seth sits, Ryan sits next to him) Sandy: unfortunately the family room is still stuck inside the kitchen Kirsten: how was school? Seth: oh it was really good i'm never goin back Sandy: ah just what a father likes to hear Seth: yeah, Ryan broke up with Marissa again Ryan: uh Summer broke up with Seth again Seth: Zach'll never talk to us again (door bell) Sandy: (frowns) who Seth: uh new guy Ryan: (gets up) ill get it Seth: but on the plus side you know Ryan he's takin AP physics he's taking AP math an this mooshoo looks delicious Kirsten: it's really good (in the background we hear Ryan open the door, then a mans voice) Guy: Caleb Nichol (Kirsten looks, Caleb turns around) Guy: (shows badge) sir your under arrest (Ryan looks at them) (Kirsten looks stunned)

It's back to school for Seth and Ryan, who want to win back the attention they once had from Summer and Marissa. With opportunity beckoning, Hailey tells Jimmy about her plans to move in order to pursue her unfulfilled ambitions with fashion. Hoping to keep her near, Jimmy does something unimaginable. Meanwhile, Sandy explains to Julie that the district attorney is keeping a close watch on Caleb, and without representation, he might be in for a confrontation. Julie threatens Sandy to do something about Caleb's mess, or else.

fd_The_Office_05x08

fd_The_Office_05x08_0

Michael: Did you know that in Morocco it is common to exchange a small gift when meeting somebody for the first time? In Japan you must always commit suicide to avoid embarrassment. In Italy you must always wash your hands after going to the bathroom. This is considered to be polite. Jim: Why are you telling us this? Michael: I am jetting off on an international business trip. Jim: Where are you going? Michael: To Can-A-da. Jim: Where is it? Michael: Canada. Jim: Okay. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: My boss is sending me abroad to do a presentation to an international client and I have always been intrigued by all things international. The women, the pancakes, the man of mystery... [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Meredith, I would like you to pretend that you are from Abu Dhabi. Meredith: [British accent] Hello. Michael: I am ashamed at your naked face. I must cover it with my jacket. [covers Meredith's face with his jacket] You are now sexy in your culture. [SCENE_BREAK] Kevin: T minus... Jim: Six point five days. [winces as Kevin smacks him on the back] Creed: [walks up behind Jim and puts his hands on his shoulders] One more week. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: Pam comes back from New York next week and everyone here has just been so excited for me. And involved. And intrusive. And weird. [SCENE_BREAK] Phyllis: On more week. [chuckles] Stanley: Heh heh. [Jim gives camera an odd look] [SCENE_BREAK] David Wallace: [on speakerphone] Do you have your passport? Michael: I have my passport. [pats jacket pocket] David Wallace: Got your per diem? Michael: I have my per diem. [holds up money] I already know what I am going to spend this on. I am going to buy a sweater. David Wallace: Michael, the... that's for your food. Michael: Well I'll just... I'll use different money for that. [SCENE_BREAK] David Wallace: I was happy to send Michael on this trip. He's been feeling pretty down since we had to transfer Holly up to New Hampshire. But this little perk really seemed to turn him around. [chuckling] And it's pretty tough to find somebody who wants to go up to Winnipeg mid-November. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: And business class air, like a five-star hotel in the sky, nothing but the best. Actually better than a five-star hotel 'cause you get a big, cushy seat and you sit in a row of people and to eat, whatever the mind can imagine. I think I am going to have a filet with mushroom sauce. David Wallace: Well, I'm just glad to know you're happy because you know I felt bad. Michael: Well that is all in the past. David Wallace: And in terms of nightlife, when you get there just ask the concierge. Michael: They have one of those? [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: [in a singsong voice] Lets do this! Dwight: Wait, why do you need three suitcases? Michael: Two are for souvenirs. Dwight: Do you have your money belt? Michael: I do. It's right here. [indicates to waist] Dwight: No, no, no, no, no. You want to wear that puppy right up on the breastbone like a bra. [demonstrates] Michael: No, I don't want to wear a bra. Dwight: Here, let me help you. [reaches for Michael's money belt] Michael: Stop it! Stop it! Dwight: Do you want to get robbed in a foreign country? I wash my hands of this. Michael: Okay. Where is my translator? Andy: Monsieur. Michael: There he is. Andy: I'm just bidding a bon voyage a La Mon Petit fiancee. Translation[/b]: Goodbye my petite fiancee. [chuckles] Angela: Be good. Andy: I will try. Angela: Meaning what? Andy: Meaning I will try to get other dudes laid. Michael: Yeah baby! That's what I'm talking about. That could be you [points at Jim] if you hadn't forgotten French. Where is my numbers man? Oscar: Here. Michael: There we go. Our town car awaits. Meredith: It's just a van. Michael: Its not just a van. Meredith: Look, I know my way around a van. That is just a van. Michael: Dwight, can you get those please? Dwight: [sighs and picks up Michael's empty suitcases] [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: [on airplane] Welcome to Cribs-the business class edition. Check this out. Mimosa. Andy: Ah... sweet! Michael: Handed to me as I sat down. This was my hot towel. It is still wet. Andy: Michael Gary Scott rolling like a pimp! Michael: Take a sip of that. [hands Andy his mimosa] Andy: Mmmhmmm... Michael: That good? Andy: Mmmm... Michael: Don't drink all of it. Give some to Oscar. Andy: That's really good. [offers mimosa to Oscar] Oscar: I'm good. Michael: You want one of your own? I can hook you up. Stewardess: I'm sorry. You'll need to keep moving. Michael: Yes, this is Beth. This is my personal valet/flight attendant and she will be helping me this morning. Beth: We need to keep the isle clear. Michael: Yes... Andy: Oh... Michael: Get back, get back. Come on, get back to the slums. Andy: Oh boy. [follows Oscar back to coach] Michael: [whisper] Hey... guys, check it out. My own personal DVD player and 20 movies. Oscar: [whispers] Andy brought one too. Andy: [loudly] Harry and the Henderson's Michael: Shhhh! Keep it down. Oscar: I made egg salad sandwiches. Do you want one? [holds up sandwich] Michael: Could you have picked something stinkier to bring on a plane? [Andy laughs] My God, Oscar. Really? Do you have a bag of baby poop in there too, to share with everybody? No, I will be ordering my own food, thank you very much. Michael: [to stewardess] Hi. Beth: Hi. Michael: Um. I'd like to see a menu please. Beth: Oh, I'm sorry. There are no meals on flights less than two hours. Michael: Oh... okay. [looks back at Andy and Oscar] Doesn't matter, because I am going to take a nap. I think I am going to use my complimentary blindfold. I will don it... and oh! Look at that. I can't see because I am in a-- [cart crashes into Michael's leg] GAH! Beth: What would you like to drink? [SCENE_BREAK] Ryan: [walks into Kelly's cubicle and sets a box down on the desk] Just checking out where I'm going to be pretty soon. When Pam gets back. Gonna be close quarters. Gonna be a lot of tension. Kelly: For you. I'm with Darryl. Ryan: This looks like where I'll probably do my pushups every day. [gets on floor and starts doing pushups] Kelly: Is that supposed to impress me? [Ryan starts trying to do one-armed pushups] [SCENE_BREAK] Kelly: [talking head] No. Not going to happen. He has hurt me too much and too often. And I am in a healthy relationship so I'm not gonna flaunt it and I'm not gonna hurt him, but that door is closed. [SCENE_BREAK] Kelly: [making out with Ryan on her desk] What are we doing? This is so wrong. Ryan: Yeah... Mmmmm... [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: [going up escalator in the hotel] This is nice. This is nice. Move in here. Very sweet... ah. Oscar: I'll check us in. Michael: Alright. Andy: Very cool. Michael: Very cool. Andy: We are going to find out where the action is, my friend. Michael: Okay. Andy: Where's the concierge? Michael: Yes! Wallace said there would be one of those. Andy: Mmm... bingo! [indicates towards concierge desk] Follow moi, bro-sieur. Michael: Wow! Andy: [to concierge] What about a nice sushi place? Maybe a place with a view? Concierge: Tsk... Oh. Matsuki. That's a good one. Uh, you may walk there if you wish or you man take the number seventeen bus until 9:00. Other than that you can take the taxi and the number is right there. Michael: Wow! Wow, I am blown away by this. I, um... I--ah! This is great, thank you! Andy: One final question. Where might you find yourself on a Winnipeg night like tonight? Concierge: Oh, the Huntsman is good. Andy: [nodding towards Michael] The Huntsman. Concierge: Down here... the financial district. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: A concierge is like the Winnipeg equivalent of a geisha. This is a woman who has been trained in the fine art of fanciness and pleasure. And when you meet one, it is intoxicating. Just what the doctor ordered. [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: [at school in NYC] Can't believe this. [pulls out cell phone... sighs] Jim: [in office] Are you sure? Pam: [over the phone] I just talked to my advisor. Failing. Jim: Wow. I thought you were good at Flash. Pam: I was, and then they switched to Acrobat just as I was learning Quark. I hate computers. Jim: Okay, okay, it's no big deal. So you're not a computer geek. Pam: I have to stay and retake it. Jim: [looks shocked] W---Wow. Um. Well... okay. Pam: That means another twelve weeks. [pause] Can you do this for another three months? Jim: It's not--- It's not about me. I mean, this your dream. Pam: [over phone] I know. Jim: And you went to New York to do this. So when you come back you come back the right way. Right? Pam: [starting to cry] Right. Jim: [concerned look on face] You okay? Pam: [over phone] Yeah I'm fine. Um... my cell phone battery's low, so I have to let you go. Jim: Okay. Pam: Alright. Jim: Alright. Pam: [over phone] Love you. Bye. Jim: Love you too. [hangs up phone, Pam sits on a bench crying] [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Guys, she's in there. Andy: Engaging wings [imitates mechanical sound] Oscar: I'm probably going to leave after one drink. Michael: Let's do this. Andy: Yeah with a hot slab of Canadian bacon in your hand. Michael: [goes up to concierge from the hotel] Excuse me, hello. Concierge Marie. Michael Scott. Good to see you again. Marie: Good to see you. Michael: Um, this is my associate uh, from Dunder Mifflin, uh, Oscar Martinez. Oscar: Nice to meet you. [shakes Marie's hand] Marie: Oscar. Michael: Works in accounting. This is uh, concierge Marie... Oscar: Yes. Michael: ...who works at our hotel. You look, how do you say, radiant tonight. Marie: Thank you. Michael: And it is, how do you say, a beautiful night--- Oscar: Michael, why? Michael: She's foreign. I am-- Andy: For Madame et monsieur. [hands Michael and Marie a glass of wine] Michael: Oh, thank you. Andy: You're welcome. Michael: Thank you, Andy. Marie: Thank you? Andy: Let me get a picture of you guys. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Everyone is going to end up dying someday. And I think it's better to die with people you like... like Oscar, and Andy, and concierge Marie... than to know that there's somebody out there that you love that you're not with. [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: Alright, I've scoped out the joint. Those two dudes are as good as naked. Oscar: How do you even know they're gay? Andy: Come on! It's Dandy Dale and Foppy McGee over there. [turns to bartender] Mademoiselle! Beer me dos Long Island iced teas s'ill vous plait. [to Oscar] Bad decision in a glass. [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: I don't care if you're gay, straight, engaged... whatever. A guy needs intercourse. [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: You'll thank me when they spank thee. Oscar: Don't do this. [watches Andy take drinks to the other table] Andy: Do you guys like apples? Guy at table: What? Andy: Do you like apples? Guy at table: Uh, sorry... what? Andy: Well, how do you like these apples? [sets drinks on table] Alright, on a scale of 1 - 10, how hot is that dude? [indicates towards Oscar who waves slightly] Guy at table: Is he your boyfriend or something? Andy: No, but he could be yours if you play your cards right. Guy: Dude, leave us alone alright? Andy: Gentleman. [walks away] Oscar: What are you doing? Andy: Dude, you struck out. They're totally stuck up. Here... drink up. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: How about this one? It's Christmas eve--- Concierge Marie: Mmm-hmmm... Michael: ---and everything's closed and you need to get some dry cleaning done. 12:00 midnight. Where do you go? What do you do? What do you do? Come on! What do you do? Marie: Uh...A stro cleaners on St. Johns place is the only place open on that day. Michael: Unbelievable! Unbelievable. [SCENE_BREAK] Oscar: If you don't mind me asking--- Andy: Anything. You can ask me anything. Oscar: Okay. Andy: I'm your wingman. Oscar: Its just that I've sat next to Angela for a very long, very long time. Andy: Right-o. Oscar: How could anyone stand that woman? Andy: What? Oscar: What do you see in her? Wh -- what do you see in Angela? Andy: What do I see in Angela? Oscar: I want to know. Andy: I see through a hard exterior to a little jelly in the middle. She is teaching me to be a better person. And she's working really hard on that. And she has the softest skin I've ever seen and I can't wait to have s*x with her. Oscar: You haven't had s*x? Andy: No. Oscar: Y--Are you guys waiting to get married, or? Andy: Honestly, I don't know what we're waiting for. Oscar: Andy, something is wrong with that woman. Andy: What is wrong with her? Oscar: I'd like to know. You should call her and ask her. I'd like to know what's wrong with her. Andy: I should call her and ask her. What is wrong with her? Oscar: Do it! It's a--- Call her! [Andy holds up phone] Oh my God, don't call her! Don't call her, Andy. [giggling] Andy, don't call her! Andy: Too late, too late. It's dialing... now it's ringing. [Oscar laughs] Shh... Angela: [on phone] Hello? Hello? Andy: What is wrong with you? Oscar: Why won't you do Andy? Angela: What? Andy: That was Oscar and he wants to know why you won't do me and I think it's a valid question. Angela: Are you drunk? Andy: This is Andy Bernard! Angela: I know who this is! Andy: I wanna take you to s*x school. Angela: What? Dwight: [over phone] Who is that monkey? Andy: Is somebody there? Angela: Are you drunk? Andy: I have needs. Angela: We will discuss this later. Andy: Naked. Angela: What? Andy: We'll discuss it later naked. I want to see you naked. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: [standing outside hotel room... whispering] Do you want to get some breakfast or something? Concierge Marie: I am so tired. Michael: Okay. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: [noticing that everyone is giving him a sympathetic look] How does everyone know already? Dwight: Know what? Meredith: Pam failed art school. Dwight: Oh, well, doesn't surprise me. Jim: Excuse me? Dwight: Have you seen her painting, Jim? The building? There are shadows coming from two different directions. Phyllis: Dwight, stop it. Stanley: Dwight. Dwight: What? Are there two suns? Meredith: Come on. Stanley: Oh my God. Dwight: Last I checked, that's not an office building in the Andromeda galaxy. Jim: I'm gonna grab a cup of coffee. Dwight: It's totally unrealistic. There are no lines in the parking lot. [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: Oscar Oscar: Hey. Andy: That was fun last night. Oscar: Yeah, it was. Andy: You know, it's true what they say--- Long Island iced teas are way stronger in Canada. Oscar: Hey, um... thanks for trying to hook me up. Andy: You kidding me? It's what I do. Get the whole nine 'nards. [Oscar laughs] Oscar: I can't believe we called her up. [both laugh] Andy: Totally. [continues laughing] What--- Who? Oscar: I'm talking about Angela. I can't believe we called her up last night. Andy: We called Angela? Oscar: You--- you call--- you called her. Andy: That was real?! I thought I dreamed that. Oh, God! Oscar: Alright. Andy: Oh, God! Oscar: Okay. Andy: So bad! Oscar: Good morning, Michael. [Michael approaches table] Are you ready for the meeting? Michael: Slept like a baby. [SCENE_BREAK] Kelly: Mmmm.... mmm. This can't happen again. Ryan: This has to happen again. Darryl can't happen again. Look at me. Do you want me to do more push-ups? Kelly: Yeah. Ryan: Okay. You have to break up with Darryl. I already typed out a text message for you. All you have to do is press "send". Kelly: I don't know. I mean, it's well-written and all, I just--- Ryan: Has to be done. We'll press send together. [phone beeps] Kelly: Oh my God. He's going to kill us. Ryan: I'd like to see him try. [kisses Kelly... cell phone beeps] Kelly: Oh! He says it's cool. [laughs] He said, "It's cool". Ryan: That's all he wrote? Kelly: That's all he wrote. Ryan: Can I see it? Kelly: Mmm hmm. Ryan: Didn't you two date for like a long time? Kelly: Mmm hmm. It's like a fairy tale! [grabs Ryan and kisses him] Mmmm... [SCENE_BREAK] Client: I'll be honest with you--- we've been talking with Catalyst Paper. Their prices are better than yours. Michael: Look, people continue to come back to us time and time again because they feel cared for here. They feel respected and they feel that their needs matter. They are treated like human beings. [sighs] Client: Everything okay? Michael: Yes. [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: Oh man, she is so pissed. [sitting down by Oscar] Oscar: Mmm... Andy: She's taking us back to first base. Oscar: What is first base with Angela? Andy: I get to kiss her forehead. [looks at Oscar] I had a good time hanging out this weekend. Oscar: I had a good time too. Andy: Wingman for life. W.M.F.L Oscar: Thank you. Andy: You up for a chest bump? Oscar: No. Andy: Bro hug? [Oscar shakes head... then sticks his hand out and Andy shakes it] Back to basics. I like it. [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: I had to go all the way to Canada to get to know a guy who sits 20 feet away from me. And he's delightful! [laughs] [SCENE_BREAK] David Wallace: [on phone] Hey! I just heard you guys made the sale. Michael: Yeah, we locked him up for two years. David Wallace: Good, very good. See, told you. Sounds like somebody had a good trip. Michael: No. Actually the trip sucked. David Wallace: Excuse me? Michael: The trip sucked, David. It blew chunks. It was terrible. It was a bad trip. David Wallace: What are you talking about? Michael: I did not like the trip. Well, starting with her airport shuttle which was basically just a van. David Wallace: Okay. Michael: And business class which was basically just coach. And the hotel which sucked big time. David Wallace: The hotel? What, M--- okay. Michael: It was not, it sucked. David Wallace: I'm sorry to hear the hotel was bad. Michael: Oh and thanks for the tip on the concerige. That was great. That was great. That was--- that was a--- Dacvid Walalce: Okay, okay. Hey, hey, hey. Michael: That was a really good choice. David Wallcve: Michael, please lets listen for a second. Michael: No, David. You listen to me. Why did you send her away? That--- God. You knew I liked her and you just sent her away. And that--- that was a sucky thing to do man. Dacvid Wallace: Michael, sometimes--- Michael: That was a really sucky thing to do. David Wallace: Sometimes, we-- [Michael hangs up phone] [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Why have I stayed at Dunder Mifflin for so long? Certainly not because of the paycheck. 'Cause I could be making more money as a doctor or a professional athlete. I think it's because they respect me. A boss that will not fire you, even though you just tell him off... right to his face... over the hone. That's respect. [SCENE_BREAK] Kevin: You did it, man. [fist bumps Jim] Day one. Congrats. Jim: Thanks man. [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: I'm coming back the wrong way. [smiles at Jim across the parking lot] It's not because of you. I don't like graphic design. That's it. [laughs] Stop smiling. I really didn't like it. It's just designing logos and stuff.... and I miss Scranton. But it is not because I missed you. I just really wanted to come home... and I know you said to come home the right way, but you can't tell me what to do. Got it? Jim: I missed you. Pam: I missed you too. [Jim kisses her] Dwight: You're back. Pam: Uh, yeah. Dwight: Good. I need you to make five copies of these. [hands Pam papers] Pam: I'm not going inside. Dwight: Alright. First thing in the morning then. Jim: Welcome back. [SCENE_BREAK] Kelly: We're back together again baby. Ryan: We're back. Kelly: They tried to keep us apart, but they couldnt. It was like destiny. Ryan: I--- I realized that for whatever reason I... just couldn't do better than kelly. Kelly: Oh! Ryan: [whispers] Yeah.

CFO David Wallace sends Michael to Winnipeg, Manitoba for business. Andy and Oscar accompany him and become unlikely friends when they drunk dial Angela. Although Michael makes the sale and has a one-night stand , he rebukes David for transferring Holly. Jim counts down the days until Pam gets back from art school; she fails a course but comes back to Scranton anyway. Ryan seduces Kelly, who in turn breaks up with Darryl.

fd_Teen_Wolf_03x16

fd_Teen_Wolf_03x16_0

MAN: Previously on Teen Wolf... That was supposed to be locked. Stiles: What are those? LYDIA: Atomic numbers. Kira. I'm gonna take your picture. Proof of our time here together. (ISAAC SCREAMING) ALLISON: Isaac! CHRIS: Isaac, open up! BOY: Yeah! (LAUGHING) (WIND HOWLING) (SHIVERING) (BANGING ON DOOR) ALLISON: Isaac? (DOOR OPENS) ALLISON: Isaac! He's freezing. Dad, he's like ice. CHRIS: Isaac, look at me. Isaac. ALLISON: What's happening to him? CHRIS: Isaac, come on. Isaac, listen. You have to turn. Look at me. You need to trigger it. Come on. Turn! Turn! (HITTING HIM) CHRIS: Turn! (GROWLING) ISAAC: Did you see them? ALLISON: Who? ISAAC: There were five of them. They wore black. I couldn't... I couldn't see their faces. They were covered. ALLISON: What do you mean? Like masks? ISAAC: One of them... I could see his eyes. They were greenish-yellow. Like a... Like a firefly. CHRIS: Security system wasn't triggered. ALLISON: Then how did they get in? ISAAC: They didn't. It was like they came out of the shadows. ALLISON: Do you know what that means? Dad? CHRIS: Um... I'm not sure. Listen, the two of you... I need you to keep this quiet for a few hours. (SNIFFLING) ISAAC: From everyone? CHRIS: Just 24 hours. (WHISPERING) ALLISON: They could've killed him, Dad. ARGENT: But they didn't. And I think there's a reason why. I think they might have been after me. (MUSIC PLAYING) AGENT MCCALL: So when did you get there? Stiles: At the same time. AGENT MCCALL: At the same time as who? SCOTT: At the same time as me. AGENT MCCALL: By coincidence? Stiles: What do you mean coincidence? AGENT MCCALL: That's what I'm asking you. The two of you arrived at the same time. Was that coincidence? SCOTT: Are you asking me? STILES: I think he's asking me. LYDIA: I think he's asking the both of you. AGENT MCCALL: Okay, let me answer the questions. Let me ask the questions. Just so I have this absolutely clear. Barrow was hiding in the chemistry closet at the school. Someone left him a coded message on the blackboard telling him to kill Kira. Then Barrow took Kira to a power substation and tied her up with the intent of electrocuting her, which blacked out the entire town. STILES: Sounds about right. AGENT MCCALL: How did you know he'd take her to a power station? STILES: Well, 'cause he was an electrical engineer. So where else would he take her? AGENT MCCALL: That's one hell of a deduction there, Stiles. STILES: Yeah, what can I say? I take after my pops. He's in law enforcement. (SNORTS) (COUGHING) SHERIFF: Stiles, just, uh...Just answer the man. STILES: We made a good guess. AGENT MCCALL: What were the two of you doing? SCOTT: Eating pizza. KIRA: Eating sushi. SCOTT: Eating sushi. KIRA: Eating pizza. BOTH: Eating sushi and pizza. AGENT MCCALL: You believe this? SHERIFF: To be honest, I haven't believed a word Stiles has said since he learned how to speak. But I think these kids found themselves in the right place at the right time and that girl sitting there is very lucky for it. AGENT MCCALL: Kira, is that how you remember it? (ALL LOOK AT HER) KIRA: Yes. Could I get my phone back now? AGENT MCCALL: Sorry, but no. Kira, a deputy is going to take you home. But we'll need you to fill out some paperwork first. (BEEPS) AGENT MCCALL: Scott... I don't know why you guys are lying. Or why Stilinski is content to listen to this crap. But try and remember something. If half this story about Barrow is true, then not only did someone help set him loose, but he was a pawn in their little game. A mass murderer is bad enough. A mass murderer being controlled by someone? Far worse. SCOTT: Yeah, I get it. AGENT MCCALL: All right, go home. It's a school night. (SIGHING) (MUSIC PLAYING) COACH:Class starts in five minutes. Just because there's no power don't expect there to be no school. STILES: That was a triple negative. Very impressive, Coach. COACH: Copy that. STILES: Oops! Hello. Where did you come from? (DOOR OPENING) STILES: No. No. Stop. Stop. SCOTT: What? I need to talk to her. STILES: No, you need to remember someone left a coded message telling Barrow to kill her. SCOTT: Which is why I need to talk to her. STILES: Scott, no way. Until we figure out if she's just another psychotic monster that's going to start murdering everybody, I vote against any and all interaction. SCOTT: What if she's like me? STILES: That girl walked through 1.21 jigawatts of electricity. She's not like you. DANNY: Don't you have portable generators or something? It's a black light party. It's not like you need a ton of power... Okay. Yeah, I get it. (SLAMS LOCKER DOOR) ETHAN: Black light party? DANNY: More like canceled party. The venue I booked won't have power for at least another day. ETHAN: You want help finding a new place? DANNY: What's the point? Nothing in town's going to have power. Thanks anyway. AIDEN: You want to throw a Halloween party? What's next? You gonna join the Yearbook Club? ETHAN: Just trying to do something nice. AIDEN: Why? Who cares? ETHAN: He does. (SCOFFS) ETHAN: You don't get it, do you? Scott doesn't care about power. He cares about people. You want to be a wolf in his pack? Try being a human in high school. MISS MARTIN: Sweetheart, since this is my first class and I haven't taught in five years, I just want to remind you of one thing. Try not to embarrass me. LYDIA: You should've thought about that before wearing those shoes. Love you. MISS MARTIN: Love you, too. AIDEN: Why's your mom teaching biology? LYDIA: Because Mr. Harris used to teach biology. Until his new occupation... Human sacrifice. AIDEN: What? I didn't kill him. (SCOFFS) AIDEN: Lydia, what? LYDIA: The other night, I helped save someone's life. That felt really good. And I look at you, and all I can think is that you helped kill Boyd. You're not just a bad boy, Aiden. You're a bad guy. And I don't want to be with the bad guys. AIDEN: I think I know a place where you can have your party. KIRA: I don't want to talk about it. SCOTT: Okay. Want to talk about the pre-cal test on Friday? The teacher takes all the equations right out of the book. KIRA: Do you have your phone? I'm going to show you something no one else has ever seen. No one except for Barrow. Take a picture of me. And use the flash. SCOTT: Whoa. KIRA: Yeah. SCOTT: What is it? KIRA: I don't know. It started showing up a couple of months ago. It only happens with the flash on. And I don't know how, but Barrow knew about it. He used my own phone to take pictures of me. SCOTT: That's why you asked for it back. KIRA: If someone sees those pictures... SCOTT: We need to get your phone back. BOYS: Trick or treat! (DERICK GIVES TRICKER-TREATERS CANDY) (GROWLING) (ALL KIDS SCREAMING) (SNARLING) (MUSIC PLAYING) DANNY: Where did you say the guy was who lives here? AIDEN: He's out of town. (ENGINE REVVING) (LOW HUMMING) DANNY: Oh, yeah. STILES: Okay, this one will get you into all of the perimeter doors, this one into the evidence room, and this one's for my father's office. SCOTT: You didn't steal these, did you? STILES: No. I cloned them using the RFID emulator. SCOTT: Is that worse than stealing? STILES: It's smarter. KIRA: Scott, can I ask you something? STILES: Okay, I'll just... KIRA: You didn't tell him anything, did you? About the pictures? SCOTT: Oh, no, I just said that you have some pictures of you on your phone that you didn't want anyone to see. KIRA: What kind of pictures? SCOTT: Naked pictures. KIRA: Oh. Good idea. SCOTT: Okay, cool. KIRA: Okay. STILES: Okay. So, now almost everybody's out dealing with the blackout. But there's always somebody at the front desk. There's Dispatch and usually a night shifter or two. You guys are gonna use the service door entrance by the dumpster. All right? Nobody uses it. Now, I'll text you if anyone comes out. But, Scott, if you get caught, I can't help you. My dad's under investigation for an impeachment because of your dad, so, if anything happens I will run and leave you both for dead. SCOTT: Got it. Thanks. Seriously, dude. STILES: I'd ask my dad, but you know... SCOTT: No, I know. I get it. STILES: All right, just, uh, hurry up. (BEEPING) (DOOR BEEPING) (FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING) (INDISTINCT RADIO CHATTER) (SIGHS) SCOTT: Kira. KIRA: It's dead. (SIGHS) KIRA: We have to take it. SCOTT: No, they'll know it's gone. KIRA: How do we charge it if the power's out? SCOTT: See if you can find a charger cable. Awesome. KIRA: Who's that? SCOTT: Me. Me and my dad. (PHONE BEEPS) KIRA: Come on, come on... (VEHICLE APPROACHING) STILES: Ah, hell. KIRA: Come on. Come on... STILES: Come on, Scott. Okay, I'm so going to regret this. Aw! Hey, hey. Wow! Thank God you are here. Oh, boy! Thank the lord. (LAUGHS NERVOUSLY) AGENT MCCALL: What do you want, Stiles? STILES: Oh, jeez! (STAMMERING) STILES: I was just... I was thinking on the case. I was thinking I should clue you in on my thinking. Here's my thinking. I was thinking this... I was thinking that Barrow, right... I was thinking that Barrow received the information about who to kill at the school, right, you know that? So I was thinking maybe the person who gave him that information, check this out, might actually be someone at the school. And that's, uh, my thinking. AGENT MCCALL: Hmm. (BEEPS) KIRA: It's on. It's on. AGENT MCCALL: You're right. STILES: I am? AGENT MCCALL: Yep. We, uh... We started looking for links between Barrow, faculty and students last night. STILES: So you already, then, know that stuff? AGENT MCCALL: Hmm. STILES: You already thought of that. AGENT MCCALL: Your dad did. STILES: Oh. AGENT MCCALL: His one useful suggestion. STILES: You know, this attitude that you have toward my dad? You can dress it up to all the professional disapproval that you want. But I know the real reason why you don't like him. (CHUCKLES SOFTLY) AGENT MCCALL: Is that so? STILES: Yeah. Because he knows something that you don't want him to know. And guess what. (LOW) STILES: I know it, too. AGENT MCCALL: Go home, Stiles. There's a... There's a curfew. [SCENE_BREAK] (CLEARS THROAT) (DOOR OPENS) SCOTT: We did it. All the pics deleted. KIRA: That was awesome! I mean, terrifying. Completely terrifying... But kind of awesome. I've never done anything like that before. Have you? STILES: Yeah, once or twice. Hmm. SCOTT: So, I guess I should take you home. Hey, you don't want to go to a party, would you? (ALL CHEERING) (MUSIC PLAYING) ISAAC: Derek can never know about this. ETHAN: You happy? DANNY: Very. ETHAN: Good. Now it's my time to be happy. This one needs to get painted up. BODY PAINTER: Face or body? DANNY: Uh... ETHAN: Body. BARTENDER: I need ice! ETHAN: I got it. (SNARLING) BODY PAINTER: All done. DANNY: Nice. (SNARLING) (SLAMS ICE BAG) (SNARLING) (MUSIC PLAYING) STILES: It just showed up there on my key ring this morning. I asked my dad if he put it there but he said he didn't know anything about it. SCOTT: It's just a key, right? STILES: Yeah, but it's not mine. And I don't know how it got there or what it's for. SCOTT: You want to leave so we can figure it out? (GIRL KISSES STILES ON CHEEK) STILES: Uh... CAITLIN: Happy Halloween! STILES: It can wait. It can wait. KIRA: Thanks. SCOTT: What? KIRA: Thanks! SCOTT: For what? KIRA: For everything. STILES: Hey! CAITLIN: Hey! I kissed you. STILES: Yeah, you kind of did. What's your name? CAITLIN: I'm Caitlin. STILES: Caitlin... Oh, my God. You're Caitlin. CAITLIN: I know! I just told you that. STILES: No, I know... I just... I mean, uh... You and your girlfriend. She's... CAITLIN: She died. Yeah! STILES: Are you okay? CAITLIN: Yeah! I'm really drunk. STILES: Okay. CAITLIN: Do you want to dance? STILES: Yeah! (GROWLING) AIDEN: Not as good as the real ones. LYDIA: Or as lethal. AIDEN: Okay, sure. I deserve that. I deserve basically everything you say about me. But, you know, I was pretty instrumental setting this up. LYDIA: All this? If I wanted to go to a rave, I'd get in a time machine and go back to the '90s. (GROWLING) ISAAC: Did you see Scott? ALLISON: Yep. ISAAC: You tell him what happened? ALLISON: No. We still have a couple hours, remember? We promised my dad. ISAAC: You promised your dad. ALLISON: I promised him in order to protect him. ISAAC: You did. I didn't. ALLISON: Is protecting my father such a bad thing? ISAAC: I don't like keeping secrets from Scott. ALLISON: No, you don't, you just like to stand there awkwardly waiting for someone to notice us... Whatever we are... And then you like to make things incredibly uncomfortable. ISAAC: And what's that supposed to mean? (LAUGHS) ALLISON: What do you think it means? ISAAC: I think it means you're probably mad. ALLISON: I'm not mad. ISAAC: No? ALLISON: No. ISAAC: Okay. (SIGHS) ALLISON: I'm frustrated. ISAAC: Sexually? (BOTH LAUGHING) ALLISON: Mind if I borrow this? ALLISON: Do you want to talk about Scott or do you want to paint my body? ISAAC: I want to paint your body. LYDIA: Oh! Finally. Awkwardly. Predictably. (SNARLING) (BREATHING HEAVILY) (DISTORTED) LYDIA: Scott... Scott! (SNARLING) (PANTING) (SNARLING) (SCREAMING) (SNARLING) (MUSIC PLAYING) DANNY: Ethan? AIDEN: Aiden. DANNY: Where's Ethan? AIDEN: I'm looking for him too. DANNY: I haven't seen him in like half an hour. Is something wrong? Aiden? Aiden? CAITLIN: You have a bottle opener? STILES: Yes. CAITLIN: Your key has phosphors on it. Look. STILES: Oh! Oh! (KISSING) STILES: Uh, I thought you liked girls. CAITLIN: I do like girls. Do you? STILES: Absolutely. CAITLIN: Great. (KISSING) STILES: So you also like boys? CAITLIN: Absolutely. Do you? STILES: Mmm. (KISSING) STILES: I am sorry. What are phosphors? CAITLIN: Oh, they're any substance that luminesces. It's in your teeth and your fingernails. Laundry detergent. It's also in this. Reacts to the UV light, that's why it glows. STILES: How would I get phosphors on my key? CAITLIN: Have you been handling chemicals? STILES: No, I don't think I... (KISSING) STILES: I'm sorry. I'm really, totally sorry. I just thought of something and I have to go. Really, I want it. I want to stay. I would just stay all night... I swear... But I really have to go and I don't want to offend you. CAITLIN: Okay. STILES: Sorry. I just... CAITLIN: Okay? Okay. STILES: Here. You could drink that. Drink that whole thing. Whole thing, okay? Excuse me. Bye! KIRA: You got some paint on you. (CHUCKLES) KIRA: Still there. SCOTT: Oh... KIRA: Ah, let me. (LAUGHING) SCOTT: Oh, my God! I can't believe you just mommed me. KIRA: I did not mom you. SCOTT: You totally mommed me. (LAUGHS SOFTLY) KIRA: Okay, I might have slightly mommed you. (BOTH LAUGHING) KIRA: How are you so okay with all of this? I showed you a picture that would send anybody else running the other way. SCOTT: It didn't look that bad to me. KIRA: I look like a demon from hell. SCOTT: I guess I saw something different. KIRA: What did you see? SCOTT: It kind of looks like it's, uh, protecting you. Kind of like armor. And it doesn't look like a demon to me. KIRA: What do you think it looks like? SCOTT: It looks like a fox. (MUSIC PLAYING) ISAAC: What? What's wrong? ALLISON: There's something on your head. Behind your ear. Turn to the mirror. Turn to the mirror. You see that? ISAAC: What is that? ALLISON: Looks like a number five. (MAN GROANING DISTANTLY) ISAAC: Did you hear that? DANNY: Aiden, over here! DANNY: Lydia? Lydia? AIDEN: Lydia? What happened? What happened to her? DANNY: I don't know, but she's freezing. She's practically hypothermic. AIDEN: We gotta get her inside. Help me. DANNY: Over here. There's a heating vent. (SHIVERING) DANNY: Try to find a blanket. ALLISON: What are you doing? ISAAC: It'll trigger the healing. (BONE SNAPPING) (GROWLING) (GASPING) AIDEN: Lydia? LYDIA: They came out of the dark. ALLISON: It's the same. Exactly the same. (GROWLING) SCOTT: Derek? (MUSIC PLAYING) GUY: Bro, sorry, The Bloody Beetroot doesn't take requests. Bro, seriously. I said the DJ doesn't take... DEREK: He'll take mine. (GROANING) (MUSIC STOPS) (VOICE THUNDERING) DEREK: Get out! (ALL CLAMORING) AIDEN: Get her out of here. LYDIA: Find Scott. AIDEN: Guys, they're all looking at me. Why are they all looking at me? Guys? (ALL SNARLING) (GROWLING) (NECK SNAPS) (BONE CRUNCHING) (GROANS) (GROWLING) ALLISON: Somebody do something! (GROWLING) SCOTT: What the hell were those things? ISAAC: Your dad's 24 hours are up. (MUSIC PLAYING) (DOOR OPENING) (GROANING SOFTLY) (CELLPHONE RINGING) (BREATHING HEAVILY) (GROANS) (STILES WRITES THE NUMBERS ON CHALKBOARD- THE SAME HANDWRITING) AGENT MCCALL: Barrow was hiding in the chemistry closet at the school. Someone left him a coded message on the blackboard telling him to kill Kira.

Isaac describes the hooded figures that attacked him to Allison and her father. Kira reveals to Scott that her body emanates a glowing aura when a photo is taken of her, and with the help of Stiles, the two break into the Sheriff's office and erase similar photos from Kira's cell phone. Danny and Ethan throw a Halloween party in Derek's empty loft. During the party, Scott realizes that Kira's "aura" resembles a fox, and Allison discovers what appears to be a reverse number "5" mark behind Isaac's ear. Ethan and Lydia are also attacked by the hooded figures and marked the same way. Stiles discovers that his handwriting matches the coded message written on the chalk-board, instructing Barrow to kill Kira.