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Go in. On in. To the kitchen. Blazing it was heat and lights. People stoking up the range and crossing over teapot stretch to pour a pan of sausage out. Plate of fried egg black pudding. Cigarettes a thousand to one. Legs crossed. Knees out. Reading the news. Radio going and chat chat chat they're racing over and fro. In the corner. In the corner there. Turn my eyes on that. Turn away. He is standing with some uncle. Smoke a cigarette. Talk. Smoke a cigarette.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

Look now there she is says Mammy. In her element of family here. She'll do the talking. I will let. Not too bad. We've been waiting on you for you to get up. Where did you disappear to last night at all? And would you ever look at the time. Your aunt's been asking after you. He. Stop that. Looking. Now then. At me. Catch that. Strange. Surprised. Smile. Messy hair. Creases running all around his eyes. I would not have known her, he says.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

Well my girl says his wife come in. Well you've grown. You're all grown-up. She gives me a kiss with her thin lips. Has a little stroke of my hair. Well look at this. That's changed a shade. Out of a bottle no doubt. I can always tell. Say hello to your uncle over there. And I do. I go and kiss him on the cheek. The skin. That bone. Which he lets me. Says do you remember me at all? Nod to that say yes. Cunning game but. You haven't changed I say. No you haven't changed at all. See she's still the Madam that she was he says. And laughs. And hardly looks at me. They laugh. Approve of saying. And I can't tell what's the. Join up. What does. Makes me uneasy. Guilty somehow. Is that right? I. Laugh. Ignore. The banter. Fade off and let them get along.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

I make my breakfast. Eat that. Don't look. Don't be letting my face get warm. I've done worse much more times again but. Drink up. Say I am going out. But love. But love. So much to do. Sandwiches and cakes. All hands on deck. Too many Mammy in here. Anyways you know well I can't cook. I'm going for a walk. I'll be back soon enough and do the few bits when I get in. Well now. Be sure you do. There'll be loads of people your grandfather's neighbours he was a well-respected man. The strange this. Coldness. She upset. But what for I don't know. For him it must. Feeling bad for the evil house and all that stuff. Go on time on. I've on my mind. The other things. I'm out the door.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

That air. That air God save me. That wind going so hard on my back. In my frozen mouth. What is it the uncle bother me like that? What would he say? Remember other kitchens we have known? Remember that chair or the scratch in my? What's that man to me? Fucked me long, long ago. Hurt me and not well. It's not in me anymore. A thing that happened on my route to here. But him? Sure maybe guilt's the thing. I should say rejoice uncle. Remember what we did those years ago? Could be my aunt knows. And that would be something worse again but no she doesn't. I would tell. I'd see it on her. Who cares forget. In two days I'll be gone. Resolve to. What did you expect? The surf coming. Jumping up on the sand won't catch me anyway. I'll go back in. Just laugh at it for Christ Christ sake.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

Flurry. Jesus they are bump him down the stairs. Two uncles. In his coffin. Granda. Toes first. Without doing well. Oh you're back now. In the nick of time she says. Throw over those sheets. In the sitting room. We're putting him. Lengthways by the fireplace. They'll put the prop- ups on the mat. Is the radiator off in there? Well it's just as well it's cold. Mind out now til I pull it round. Don't want them trip on it split open his head god forgive me I'm awful. She's chattering away. So I drape all the furniture with white sheets. And turn those pictures round to face the wall. Some aunt there stop the clock. You can pull the curtains to too. Not fully. Just in a bit. He is now. Set him gently. God he's heavy. Did he put on a bit of weight in that last while the uncles say. Now don't be talking about the dead like that. But still they're laughing all them taking the coffin lid back off. When did that come, I say. While you were out. Out gallivanting on today of all days someone's saying snappish just behind my back. I wonder that is. Oh who? Well fine whatever then. Now young lady, you will not. Lay out those Mass cards. We already have some from just the neighbours. There'll be more. Christ it's freezing. Put out the silver candlesticks have we white candles? No. I'll go out and get I say. You'll have to go right into the town for them well. Well. I'll give her a lift I hear uncle say.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

Walk to his car we're awkward. They are watching our backs shouting bring back Jamesons while you're at it. No. Bushmills. Something like that. Awful quiet. See him say that's the one there. With a hot smell in it opens of leather and air freshener. Rented so and no point looking for clues. Sit in. He says. Put your belt on. How are you? How are you? Long time no see. No. You're looking well turn the key. He take off down the road. I am awkward as I never was looking at my knees. Worser even than thirteen. Yes not bad and you? The same old the same. It's nice to see you. I sometimes wonder how you've been. Well fine. Go back to silence stay there let's stay there please. He drives then like he heard me. Only says Right! when he stop the car.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

I come back with candles whiskey in my hands and wave for him to start up. He does. Would you say he'd like that? Your grandfather. What? Drinking at his wake. How would I know? You. I don't know didn't know him at all. That's sad. Not really. I always found him quite severe. I'm sure he says. When I first met your aunt... The trail of that. And we don't follow. Can't begin to guess, for it goes where? I say And my cousins? How are they? I haven't been talking to them here yet. I heard one got married was it last June? Yes to some fellow. Do you like him? I suppose. Suppose? I don't really know my children he says. He says. You've grown so much. You've grown up. You're a woman now. I have. I am. I suppose I am. And beautiful. Thanks for saying so. He drive. Arrive. Pull in. The door. They come out aunt and mother too he says take this stuff. I'm just going to take her a run out the road. We were talking about where you and I met. I want show. Says the aunt curl. Fine. Now I wonder but. Away. We. Go.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

We go up the hill. Like that. Look down he says. Great sweep on the bay. Lovely. Feel the car catch in the wind from the sea. Beat upon us. Keep those windows. What's this I am at? I don't know. I don't know. I cannot close my eyes with it. New or afraid. No not that. Not those things at all.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

He stops. Pulling up. It's lovely isn't it here. A very fine. A beautiful spot. I walked down there this morning point. Yes. I know. I saw you go out. Right so. Stop up that chat. Silence now. We silent sit til. I have often thought he says. His voice bring me duffel coats school buses back. Drag me. Like it was. No I'm a long way off from that. He says About you and. What we did. What I did. I did then. Twist my stomach. Look at the rain. I know I'm going in under with him. Where that is? Somewhere. But do this. I think do this. Whatever it is.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

So are you feeling guilty? What? About what? About that time when you fucked me? Yes. About that. I feel guilty and I am. Because I was thirteen? Look you're no baby now. No. So stop with that. You know me. I do. Know you he says. Well. Go on say it while no one's here. Then. Look, do you think he says. You don't think do you that. What? I abused you? That you abused me? Well that's the question to end them all is here. Is here. I stop and going all around I know already but must see it first. Say then at last. No. I don't. Do you? Think that? At thirteen after all I was still a child. Quiet quiet in the car. All I hear is breath. I always wish I hadn't he says. All the time? Didn't you enjoy it? I ask. I shouldn't have done it and I know that. But you did. I did. Fuck me. Fuck you. And did you enjoy it? Yes. Why am I asking this? And this? Why did you if you knew it was so wrong? Squirm him. I couldn't somehow not. You were like. You were like. It doesn't matter he sighs there is no good thing to say. Well then. That's that. And that concludes this little chat. Your conscience is clear and I won't be calling the guards. I'm A-okay as the Yankees say. Yes I see. And I suppose there's been others? Yes. Plenty since? A lot. You haven't damaged me if you're afraid of. Haven't soiled my goods. You're angry. I'm not. I am not. I. You've got beautiful. Well you know growing up does that. What's wrong? Now. That's enough for him. I've had enough. Because it's all going merry round and round. In my head. And. But. Still. I won't say any more. I can't. But. Will you kiss me coming out of my mouth before I know what I've said at all. Will you kiss me? What's coming next? There's a bit pause. He look down at his hands sitting flat on his knees. He won't do I think. He won't. That's good. What do I want with. Shame. Jesus. Then he does. As he wants to. Now I see. He wants to. Now. Mess up. Botch this. Conversation. Mouth on. Feeling bluster winds rattle the car. And the cold sea burning over in my guts. And he kisses me til my mouth is sore is red with it. Hurts I remember. This taste of his tongue I've not known. Remembered like this from anyone else. Bite me. All his mouth. Not alone. Kiss til. I. He touch me. Go on pull me. He could run right through me now. Riot. This is not like. Coming home. I feel that. There. His lips. I'm. It's too. Much. Jesus. Give my eyes back. Let me. See. My. Choke. Stop. Don't stop he says. Stop. No. Stop. I have to make. Myself. Sit back. Jesus he. What. His breath go. Like the clappers. Are we going to do? Go back now I say. What? Go back now. We should. Your mouth. Hurts me. Too swoll he says. You're sensitive to that I remember from before. God. Be quiet. Just for a moment. Sit. Alright. Sit. Alright. Are you alright? He take my hand. I. Am. Shake. There. Calm down. We're going to be. I know. We are going to be fine. We should. What? We are not we. Go back. Now. Alright. Alright. Start the car now.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

They didn't look upon us strangely. They did not see us at all. For all about the people descended. Slip in. I run up to the loo there I puke. I should have lunch. My face in the glass. Who's that I don't know. I do know. That's shite. But what happens now? Nothing. Don't obsess.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

Come on. Bang the door. Hurry up you know there's a queue. I flush and wash my hands. Open. His daughter there standing there. She is older than me and my mouth reek of sick. Hi hello there I'm sorry. Didn't feel that well. I know the feeling. Yeah. It's all the sandwiches not enough sleep. True. I laugh think Jesus Christ. She goes on in.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

By the coffin. You're sitting. Falling almost asleep I see. I am guilty. Sit by you. Say have a lie down I'll take your turn with the body. And you do. That gives me time. Catching my breath in the cold. Hello Granda. Now what have you seen?

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

The biddies are having their sup. He was a grand man. A lovely man. A terrible shame. Loss to the community. Still. It comes to us all in the end. True enough. But he had a good death and what more could you want?

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

I sat there most hours. Listen to the razzle of it. Watch him duck in and out now then. Give me a nod not a smile not anything else. See his wife. See his wife and she sits by my. There's a cuppa are you tired you look a bit pale. Nice for one moment but I don't feel guilty. I think your husband's tongue was just in my. His daughters, and they're sorry their grandfather's dead. I see him hug them and pat them now love, don't cry pet. Oh Daddy. Daddy they say. I don't cry. Not even a morsel. Dead and gone why should I? The pound in my throat not for Granda. Our mother snot quietly into her hankie grasp my hand. For I let her. She's dreading the moment they take him away. I'm not. See uncle moving. In the other room. Think Oh God. Something. Something's in me going on.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

They carried him out in the rain that night. Made room on the sitting room floor for a gaggle. Bang the lid on. We processed to the church. All them carry him on their backs. Sliding coffin though they'd catch it. If it. It didn't. But he was well rattled still I'd say. I wore my black. Mother mantilla and you your best suit looking solemn. As we cared. We did not. Neither you but still. I looked for him. He took his turn. One place strange for your father-in-law to be. Heavy. I saw sweat roll down his face. They all did. Fat bastard. Too many toffee chews or that. Dinners. For the likes of him. Now Granda. For all your sins.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

In the church we were good. Said prayers and settled him down for the night. Corpse. Night Grandfather and we all went back to his house. Eat and drink. I sat with whiskey thought his jam's in the press. Clapped into the corner and watched him uncle telling jokes for the laugh of them. They like. He comes quite popular up the ranks. His wife does not some reason. Her smoother brown hair. I think she's. A bitch. But still he married her. That. I don't know. That's something. But me and that's something too. I drink whiskey keeps me going and he gives me my fill. Have a little one. Do not Madam. Ach he says leave her there. And ever acquiesce she to him.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

In the morning. Morning mass and the funeral. Parish priest says what they ask. A good man and a sound man and very continent. Carried up into the graveyard and lowered him down. Throw a rose on top. His daughters. More at him than on. Rub their shoulders sons and sons-in-law. He's buried. Under the muck. The end. Go on there get into your hole. Amen. And. Amen.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

We troop back to his kitchen. And more eating more. Eating him house and home. Whose is it? Who knows? Who cares? Not me. But the biddies clustering. Have one of them ham sangwiches love.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

So, that aunt wife says she says we're leaving. Early. Sorry about that. It was the only flight we could get that gets us back in time for work on Monday. Got to get back. Aye. Well now we must meet up again not wait til someone dies the next time. They all neigh and say the same but I go out. Look at me. I must go out of doors. At this. Go on, you knew, I say in my own ear. What did you think would happen? Funeral's over. Amen and again.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

On the beach. On the stones. On the water splash. I'll hear it go right through me. Now see. Because he's going away. I knew sure. I knew that. But still. The ocean comes. I'll put my hands in. I'll baptise. I like again. That cold running round my knuckles. Catch it just a bit. Don't you start. And don't let the ice in. Don't you dare start now. A stupid fucked-up thing. Walk and walk it. Go on over the rocks. Put the air in your lungs. The fright out. You didn't want. Took it. But. But but. It's nothing now. Forget all that was nothing at all.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

You're here he said. I thought you would be. Look you heard my wife. I'm going and. I know you are what do you want me to do? Why do I do that? Don't do. Shall I not then? No.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

He's worried this. Face closing over with. Look. What? Jesus. I want. I want. You want what? No. He turns and thinks it. Want what? Tell me. He says I can't do without this. Without you. Again. I want. Have you a number? I'm over often I. Want you again.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

I don't think, I say I don't think I don't know what is I don't what is if this is we should or, you know. So many things things things curling up in my head. Jesus Jesus.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

Look. I haven't got time. Do you hear me? She's waiting. They're waiting. Daughters. Yes or no he says. Yes or no.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

I look. Flood my eyes. Because this is a long dark thing to do and cannot be undone. Will I? I say inside my mouth. Can I? Do I want? I. Yes. I. And I say. Do you have a pen? Then. Here. Take it down. Because I have no idea what is right. And I know that he smiles. That he stands with his back to the house. And I look at him. And he strokes my face. And he strokes my hair. And he touches my breast. And says. That's my girl. I'll see you soon. And back then he to his own.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

I'm as sick as I can be in the car back home. I'm as full of all sorts of things as I am. Was. Know that in the bone and race of me I am wrong different from you. Where is that from? Don't know. Still so nonetheless. I watch. She sniffing at the wheel and you your walkman in your ears. You'd be buzzing all the way home. She says. Come on children now. Let's offer up a few prayers for the Holy Souls.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

Hail Holy Queen, Mother of Mercy. Hail our life our sweetness and our hope. To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve. To thee do we send up our sighs mourning and weeping in this valley of tears. Turn then most gracious Advocate thine eyes of mercy towards us. And after this, our exile, show unto us the blessed fruit of thy womb Jesus. Oh clement oh loving oh sweet Virgin Mary. Pray for us sinners. Now and at the hour of our death. Amen.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

Jesus that. Stink of that. City when I got off the train. Get a lungful of that in you and see how you do, she says cigarette filter fraying brown on her tongue. Thoo pthoo. Looking knackered, alright? Not too bad. Come on with me. Thanks for. It's a good month is it since I seen you last. Is there loads to tell me? Ah there is oh loads. And aren't you mighty I say. Coming all this way. In. Not much missus. You are. Well fuck and I am. Now I'd say, a good laugh's what we need.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

Take the skirt off that one says your man. Some man. Later in the night where I am lying. My feet up on top of his bar. We're all laughing we are. Who. All of us here. Ah now lads my granddad's just dead. Shall we have a period of mourning? Shall we have a period at all? She roars. We shall we shall. And we'll drink these whiskeys down for him. A haon, a dó, a haon, dó trí down with it. Ah the neck the poor auld neck. Right in the troat she says. Don't be splashing they say. Go on lads. Do then. Lock the door. We do. We let them for we're having such a time. Sure don't mind the Gardaí they say. They can't see in. Switch them lights down. I'm dancing dancing twirl my head. On the bar in my slip shoes. Pool and cake of it. Puddles and fag ash stink of sweat. This place smells like shite. Round the I do the rounds on the bar. Kick off that glass now. Kick that one. Into the wall. Would you credit it? One of them says stop. In my burl. I cannot see. Hey stop that you fucking. Fucking mad thing. Them glasses have to be paid for and not by my dad. Not my dad either I shout I say Jesus Christ. Skid the corner wood and almost fall off cut my knees. Easy now. I've got you. Easy now there missus she laughs says. Come on the lot of you let's go up the stairs.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

In the dark we are climbing up where electric's not on. Everyone's feeling my leg makes me laugh out. Makes me laugh out more and she. Saying cut that quack. Sure we'll be playing hide and seek. And look for me and I am gone. Backing tiptoe. Moving in the dark. Put out my hand but slip and. Go on land. Shhh quiet slither I must. In the dark hands and knees. Find the bath. It's a warm spot there. Echo. Hands are warm. Mouths kiss on me. Someone. Faces I kiss though they're cold though they're slimy full of tongues. Who. What's that? They'll get me will they up between the legs. Who's there? What's that? Shall we do in the quiet? Oh now. A mortal sin. You know. Go on empty mouths and tongues and hands and fingers pass me up. That some hurt me with nails on my face. Get me up. Up the. He. Up there. Jesus. What's that? What's that? Swig this there. Have it going up my nose sure I'll snot ribena that's not what's that. Ah springing like. Oh. No. Blood. God. Jesus. She's got blood coming out of her. What of her? Head. She's a nosebleed this one or something like that. Ha? God yuck sit up put your head back. You know this is only the second time I've a had a nosebleed in my life. Gunk sliding. Get the ice you. Rolling in my throat. Go on. Fucking what's she on. What. Nothing. I never. Nothing like that. Fall back. Think I'll almost hit my head. He. Who. I'll go to. I'll go to sleep. Here. Wake you. Fucking state. Wake up. Get the fuck- up and get out of here and on my behalf she's efffing blinding. Fuck ye she says. Fuck you fuck you. What did you do to her in there? You pack of knackers. Pack of pervs. Well get the fuck you out of here too they say. Hoors and tinkers stinking pieces of shite. Go and Jesus Christ that one she can't take a drink. Joke. Oh. Goodnight.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

Drag me all back. All the way. Home.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

In the morning. Stung my eyes. Awake now? Are you alright? I'm a. And what have you to tell? What? God you look desperate are you she says laying on my bed. Wag fag at me. What have you been up to? He? Who? Just I. I. Jesus Christ you know what. My grandfather died. Well that isn't the look of you you have. He? Who? Yes. Who? What? I just need a spot of sleep. Well there's a cup of tea there. Thanks. And I'm staying the week. Oh right. Bastard father did not pay my rent. Fine. Do you know. What? We should get a flat together. Grand so. I know. Tell me what you've been up to? Not a thing. Not a thing I say. We fell asleep teas in our hands. Nose full of dried up blood tastes.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

I sleep I can barely sleep next to her in the bed. She's roaring full of it. In-took breaths snorts all sorts wheeze and toss about. But my head's there on the pillow just in case I can. I am dreaming. What's on my secret face she sees? Lines of lies and things I've done. Oh what's coming down the road. Through the curtains. He. If I say no I won't no. I know. But I could but. I think about him. And it would it'd be like? This time. Now that it can't hurt. Now that I'm stretched I know. What could I do. Well we'll wait we'll see we'll. Go to sleep. Who? Shoo you.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

And we do get our flat and we live just the same. Some days weeks time go by.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

Hi there. You had a phonecall. Who? Your mother oh. Call her again. Hello Mammy? Oh oh oh. I can't go on like this I don't think I can go on she say this way. What? Not. He. So selfish a child of mine makes me drive him pick up after this that and the other. It's an awful way to. In front of that TV at the end of my tether at the end of my rope. Sorry to hear that Mammy. Hung up before long. Not mine this problem. No.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

Well now an exam is it whatsit doing bit of study here and there. About to slog about to slog I am. Why's he not called? Maybe I'm to forget again. Time. Time.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

Ring bring. Chew off the side of my face. Well Mammy. Is it that bad? Do you think so do you think? God desperate. Look I'll call you next week. I did. For my conscience for my clean bill sake. It was bad for her when her father died. And she want to. Decide to clean the whole thing out. Wound of. And fester we and supposed to help. Not so easy. You must. You and your brother. Speak. I'll put him on the phone. Hello she's shouting, make some effort before it gets too late. But also often she says. Bone idle never does a tap. Make me wait on him hand and foot. Let me out of this clap trap. I. But. I go on in. Hello and how are you? Fine fine fine.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

So off up there. City. She and I. Going mad. Back to the books to the fucks I forget we are going round and around again. Scald the mouth off you with that it would. I am listening though and there was no sign of him. Uncle. So we're in. Bring thinging this one that one home. Fella. Creep it ha ha up the stairs. Two by two of them not every. Spat out – at – after between us pair. Ah nice boy nice boy shall I have him for lunch? It's a roar. It's a laugh. We. For a laugh. Always are. No sign of him. Uncle. That's alright. And just as well. But she's always asking what happened you? Me? You're weird ever since. From the funeral. Something must have gone on. Say no. Always. For what would I? That might be a little too much.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

Fine fine I'll come if you want Mammy. If that's what you're after. I don't know what I can do. Sister be a brother sister fixer of her woes. Am I like that? Am I that thing it seems yes. So ho ho on the phone. What's this not pulling your weight sort it out please you sort it out. I'll do my best though I don't know. You say she give me all the blame. She doesn't want me play computers watch TV not sit by her or sit by her. Do something, I say, for she'll drive me mad. Sorry. And I hang up.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

Then I visit see what she means. So much slackness. Sittingness. Sitting still. Sitting down. You always doing. Sitting drive me. Jesus. Spare. Something like. Are you there are you there? Is anything happening in your life? And I think. She'll be minding you all her days. Maybe yes or is it maybe no. Sitting nothing. Sitting not a thing at all. Watch the telly. It is all. What can I do? Instil. Some seed. For what? She wants me to. But I'm not your. Mother. Something. What do I do? God I want to run. Make my run from here and you two at each other's throats. Day and night night day and on and on. She's on the nag at me. And to you she say, did you do that? Yes I did. Did you fix dry wash? I did. Going to such and such? I am. And I say go on. You go and fuck yourself coming down here who you think are? Telling me what to do you're a fucking slut and all the world knows that. Shut up. Shut up. How dare you? Who are you talking to. Get away. Make me. Again and again. Spinning round in our good spew. Rancid. Rack of it. Such sweet family. I want. Please. Give a moment in this. Please. Give me a break.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

I see sit by her crying I am so alone. I wonder if your brother's ever loved me at all. I can't do this I cannot. This does me no good at all. Screeching rowing. Every day. When you're not here I'm. Feel everything give out. Under me. Under this. He'll never do anything. My head whacking. Amount. And I wonder sometimes for her. Would you be better off dead? Don't say that. Don't you ever say that. I say it in me. But. That's forever now. Look. That is me. My thoughts. Are all shame.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

I make off from it. I make my escape. Leave you cough it up fight it out amongst yourselves. Get away from it oh god. And don't. No. Answer the calls. Fill my ear up. Fill my mouth instead. Man drink do what you like to me. I am safe. I am free. In my own way I am but it weighs me, beats me when I'm not doing the rounds. Split and splatter my heart head. So I get cold in the mouth on answering her bring bring.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

Do you know she says. This one's a big surprise. Your brother I'd say is going mad. Do you know he forgot to go to work today just forgot. What do you mean he slept in? No. Just did not. Creeping over my eyelids. Something awful in that. There's more than. Something not quite. Wrong. Have you made him go to the doctor? Yes and she says there's nothing wrong. He should get a pocketbook. Remind himself. But at his age. Do you know Mammy I think you should take it. What? Further. Do you? Yes. I do.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

I do not want. I do not want to hear this. But suddenly it's clawing all over me. Like flesh. Terror. Vast and alive. I think I know it. Something terrible is. The world's about to. The world's about to. Tip. No it isn't. Ha. Don't be silly. Stupid. Fine. Fine. Everything will be. Fine. Chew it lurks me. See and smell. In the corner of my eye. What. Something not so good.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

And I go out and buy you presents. The very next day after this. Knicky knack things I think I hope you'll like. Some postcards of films. Some tape of a band. Think I'll wrap them and pack them and stick them in the post. For that's a little. For a nice surprise. Oh my conscience badly. How is that then? I know. I send them. Those little things and I hope. They'll stave it. Fix it up. Put it off my little love. So it does it it does not do. What? Whatever it will.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

The phone rings and on it she says. I think. I think. Your brother's going to die. I'm. What do I say? What? What are you saying? And the blood pumps in my gums. In my nose. What's happened now what? Are you joking Mammy are you having a laugh? Say so. P. Please. No. He got a nosebleed forgot his breakfast where he worked fell over cracked his head I thought he would die. I don't know, I think, you know, it got going after, what, after all these years. I don't think that can be right. I don't think that it can do that because it's dead isn't it it's dead because. In his head because. They said, didn't they say that? What if my tongue swelled up in my mouth what if I just keeled over now I might. I'd like. Not that not that one thing. Take it take it. Take it away. Where are you ringing from? And she says soft, in the hospital, in such and such a place. Far from home. With you. Because. What do the doctors say? It woke. It woke. And it. Came. Split open your veins. Bleeding now into your brain. Such a. Toothless lazy thing to do. After all these years. Could it not have left you alone? Could not. I wish it was yesterday. I wish we were beginning again. I think. Back to the start. I'd be. Hail Holy Queen no that won't work. I'll offer something up. God. Mammy. I'll come I'm coming now I mean in the morning because. I. Because the last train is gone. I will though I will first thing. For you. For you. Nine o'clock. Alright alright there? Tell him I'll be down in the morning. Tell you. Alright.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

And I put down the phone. And I go to her room. And I say. Something really bad has happened. Look at me. Something terrible has come. It's coming into me in to me. I think. Sorry. I think I heard. I think my brother's going to die Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ. I. I.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

That long night. Loams my eyes. Burn. Lime it. I'll do. I'll. Reach out through it. Catch it before it comes. Quick quick. But it's gone like a rat. Burrow deep and dark where I cannot go. I have. Nothing against this. No defence at all. But. To fall on the spindle. To be turned into the darkness. To be turned into stone.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

Swish swish all the hospital doors in the world sound the same. I am walking in out of the light. God. Under strip lamps and curtains and a stink of green. I am marching and looking. I am seeking you out. Try to find where you have been to. Where you've been. She is sitting. Like I've known she does all my life click. In the chair on the ward in this petrified air and her face all that's stopping melting herself. When she sees me she's both hands. Oh thank god you've come thank god thank god. He's just being examined. You and me we'll wait out here. I expect prayers to come. But they don't. Just we'll lose him and I know we will. We'll not Mammy. Mammy we won't. Down we go.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

When they've gone out we see sitting prop in the bed. You. With some bowl of pudding with your wobble hand eat. Drop it look up say I saved you some. I. And you are, I know, look like five again. So I hug you and say now what have you done? Gone fell over like an eejit. Cracked your head. Well done. Sorry. You laugh all the same. Well done. I am smothered. Air bit strangled by that. So now how are you feeling? Ah not too bad. Not too bad a bit tired and they hurt my head. Touch somewhere a bandage and all around shaved. Ah that's nothing wait til you see what I do for giving me a fright. You laugh. That's calm now and I can do that. So are you truce for a moment? And she says we are. We sit. By your bed. Look at you. Think. Wonder. What is going on?

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

In time. In his time. A doctor comes. Young. Come in pull over your curtains. Sit on your bed. Cross legs flick give pen tap clear his throat shift. Come on come on. We don't know anything yet. We've to run a few more tests til we see where we're at. Where? We don't really know as I said. There is something going on. Certainly a shadow showing up on the scan. Ah that's old she says from his tumour before. No. Don't think so. I can also see that one. Somewhere else. This is different. I feel you must prepare. Zzzing in my ears. This I don't know how to hear. Must be for someone else. Not for him. Not for she or me. Yes no he doesn't mean.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

There now that wasn't so bad when he's gone out. Looking. Spinning round. So they don't know. See you'll be fine she says. Did he not say said you. No he never did. Just wait and it'll be alright. I am nodding. Nodding dog.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

In the canteen I. Sssh don't you say that, say anything to him. He's fine it'll be alright she says. I stir gravy on my mutton chop. Look you don't think perhaps we should. Prepare. For. God won't allow that. He wouldn't do that to me. I've offered myself up and served him all my life. And I know He would not take one of my children from me. But the. The Lord knows. I wouldn't survive. Not that. No. For I'm not Job. It's time for our faith to be tested. That's all. Now is the time for prayer.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

In the chapel. Down on my knees. Oh god Jesus. I beg you. I am pleading. See. I plead. But stones in my mouth. Lead on my tongue. You are not the praying person. But I. Not you. Not you. After all you have done. Good people do the praying and sinners go to. Hell. Thank you Jesus. Amen.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

In a hotel room we sleep she and me side to side. I wonder at all the nights she ever slept. Think who saw her there alone? Her God her Jesus. And they always kept her warm. But the. Would she trade them? I. Don't. Know. And when he. Who? Father was sleeping by her what did she think off then? Him. Ah. Our father who cannot be in heaven. For the first time. I. I miss he's not here. Who then. Think strange man, what would you have done? No. Not that I know. You wouldn't have come. I know that one. Tell that tale. For all your love was what was it? Some early night, like going home. Doing nothing at the time. Fell from the earth face at the moment you were. Wanted. Most. Despic. I know. I'd kill you. If you were here. If you. I'd turn you in your grave. Oh Daddy Daddy. What have you done? Lie still and breathing. Go let traffic rock. It rocks me into sleep.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

But not the morning when it beats inside my head. We cross the roadways snuff the thick clouds up and get there quick as we. As quick as we can. And catch you sleeping with your hand outstretched. See you simple as you have ever lived with all the raging peeled away. Soft face she has for you, I have for you then.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

So hot in here to sit and sit. Tea drink. Coffee I'll buy us cake. Take a walk down there. Have a look in the shop. There's magazines and we play X's and O's. It reminds me when I was a little you say but not my head it doesn't hurt so bad. We say ah hospitals we already done all that. Sure we'll be out soon. Sure we'll get away. What'll we do then? Oh loads of things. Go to the sweet shop. You say. Get some toys. I. Yes we will. Surely. If that's what you want.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

No news for you today sorry. You'll just have to hang on. Labs back all of that. Going on and on. I'd suck my thumb if I did. Stink of it hospital puts my spine on edge. Eggs me on. Tell us now. God don't you think you could tell us quick? No.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

At the end of the day you shuffle with us as we leave. Down the corridors slowly and into the lift. Say goodbye. I see you dither and could never help being cruel so Do you know your way back? I say. I know where I'm going you said to me. Soft and forgetful is what I see. Red in pyjamas. That white as walls. Face. Neat bites of stitches. On your head. Your forehead. Again again. I can see all through it. Getting deader I think no I don't think no. With your feet slop along the lino. Diamond green. If we were children what we would do here. I if I'd my roller skates. Zoom you and me out. Fast as lizards. Fast as newts. But you limp and me in heels. I know the way back to my ward from here I'll be alright, you say. Goodnight. I dither looking dither in your dither eyes thinking they don't know at all at all. What is it running mad up there? I put my hand. Hold your wristband down so you cannot see, say Which ward are you on? You say nothing. Going red. You did not know. Just standing there. Helplessly. The temper slugged with drugs looked out again at me like old. I am not a baby. I am not a little boy anymore. Sorry well, I said, off you go.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

Why did you do that? Humiliate him? I didn't. Did you not? He doesn't know where he is. He does. Does not and pretending won't help. You're a rare bitch when you want, you know that? Oh I know.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

That night long night. Every rake of me sore. Raw. Hum good night to you and you. Goodnight. That is all.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

We are assembled. They come. They are ready for at last. Two and three of them. Leaning on the wall. Suck my cheeks in try to know what they'll say. Float it in the ether. I'll catch it by the ears and make it what I want to hear. This resurrection impossible cure. Go on. Maybe. No. I don't think.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

Hmmm, they say now it's not good. Oh. It's not so good as we had hoped they say shifting by the curtains. Maybe hope to get out quick. I giving the quiet eyeball to them and the one giving his pen click click. I'd like to turn the sound down. Watch like they're silent TV. Would they manage to play this game? Not for you and me. Game for them. Her sitting dead white in the corner. Don't think. Do doctors think of running off down the corridor? Slip. See nurse's bottoms patients drips go fly by. Run off til they can be Jesus in a quiet place. Placid. Raising girls up from the dead. The magic touch. Concentrate. I feel sorry for this one. No who cares about them. They're caring they should be. Clipboard and sweat sitting his lip.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

Hmmm, yes it is not so good. We think it's spread too far into the brain. What? We can't operate. For consequences. For the sake of a month. Or two. So his little chart is saying you exit now. Here you are. Afraid. Going down to death. It sounds like not much fun to me to hear my voice going wilter going vicious in my throat. What nothing can be done? You're settled in it just like that? No say no. We'll chemo it a little bit see what that can do. Might shrink. Might move it away. See what that was like. What? You never know. So what's the time scale? The big? Maybe. I'm sorry. Perhaps about a year.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

And the blender go off inside me suck my heart lungs my brains in. Rip my stomach out. They mean it and this time. It's true. I looked at you. And you seem to me your eyes are glitching off and on. Are absent. I can tell. I can tell you have somehow not heard that bit. She gulping softly at the air. I think to her face please hold her in. For now. For a while. Until I'm able pick her up again.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

The doctors doing telling do not take a note. For them death is always a matter of. Quiet. Fuck you. I do not say. Only going really yes? No. No. No. Burrow rat hungry in my voice. Chewing the arteries. Chew at the ventricles. Readying to turn me inside out. Clipping clopping behind their boards they see. The state of us. On the block. We present. If you can just be calm and I know it's a shock. I. Blood going racing round me. Exploding through valves. Knocking my heart out of its whack. Going red and green before my retinas. Says doctor sit down. I do. We'll stunt its progress and get back some time. Some what? We will see what we can do. Vault my brain. It. Going over months. Enough time for. For everything? You look at me. Simple and sure I know what's to be done. Doctors. Thank you I say. Don't say anymore. I'll. I'll say it. When the right time comes.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

In the aftermath we sit and rock. Sitting open hand in the chair. Let what sunlight is come in. It must do surely. Keep on shining today and today and today. Going round the earth and all those places. It must. It has all my. All my life spreading now like a stain in front has not got me ready for the end of you. If I could lift this moment out of time. Rip it. Go back go back. Once. Please. Not for you this. Not for you. Your life must be a different thing. Not to face this. Not go through. Not be afraid in the dark of it coming on. Not see it between the slits in your eyes. But I. What did he say? Says you Did he say I could go home soon, now I'm alright? There he did. Yes he. Why don't you have a little sleep? That's right. Go on. Have a little snooze. You'll be fine. You'll be fine.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

But on the outside I'd be running til my heart burst out. Walking through the gardens. Storming through the trees. I'd rip their leaves off heads off if I could. I would flee the place and abandon ship. I would tear my eyes out nails out. Just. To stop. Just to stop it going in me, what I know. What I know. Will happen. Will come now. Soon. Get it. There's no way for this. Not a single way. Out.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

She praying praying. I'll leave her on her knees for good. Forever if she wants. If she likes to. Just leave her there. She knows the way. The truth the light of this? Does she? Good for her and. Fuck me, I say.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

I called him then in the hospital foyer. The want of like string on my hands. I. Phone pissing money coin p's away. Is that you? Then. Christ why are you calling me? he says. But. Pip by pip pip. I. Tell me what's wrong? Please come and save me please pull me from. What? Ten p's to p's pounds. My brother's going to die. He what? Clicks. Please save me. Speak up I can't quite. Hang on. Hang on. I shovel them in struggling thick tears off my muck impure skin but. Purely too, beg. Please? I can't hear speak up. Against that I give way. Against that I go under and he seems so suddenly. Far down the line. Besides what he could say with one eye on the kitchen? I think Do you love me? I say Is she there? She's not at the moment. It'll be. Fine he says. How can he tell? Can he see all about me patients miracling well? Are they picking up their beds to walk after touching which hems that made them whole? Let them. I wish you could. Or let them die. Hello? Are you still there? His voice tiny diamond cutting strips out of air. I want that to swim in, not pestilent here. I want us to sin so I may survive this, so I may hold onto my bandage of self if I can if I need. I'll come he says I. Just tell your fucking wife her nephew's going to die.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

Get you hot chocolate her cup of tea. Don't burn your mouth on that. And listen to thee to we cry poor banished children of eve. To thee do we send up our sighs mourning and weeping in this valley of tears. I let what he said go over in me. It will be alright. It all will be. I think by keeping very still I'll stop time in its tracks. He can draw the poison out. He is talisman in that.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

And in the hotel saying I need to go back up. Just a few days. Alright dear my pet. You go on there's not much for you to do. You're sure? I'm sure, we'll see you soon.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

In the waves. I am in the waves by the city in the sea. I've come out. To be in the cold. To see again for a long way off. Out there somewhere is. New York. What if I could go? It would be so. So far I cannot even see. Not from where I am. Towers or taxis. What would I be there? I'd be free or. Looking from very far back to this beach. I baptise. Baptise me. That I take. For I can't complain it's wrong. Free me clean me and save me from. My brother from this. I have to. I still have to go home.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

I did. Quiet. All that house. Like the dust mites were noisy like the rooks in the trees made more sound than you can bear. Your ears tuning the volume like that she says. Whisper. Walk about balls of our feet. How are you, hey? How do you feel? Good not too bad. Everything's loud. I think they cleaned wax out my ears Mammy isn't that right? It is love it is. It'll settle down. A week or two. I'll be back to work you say soon. Stacking. They always need me. Always phoning asking where I've been, isn't that right Mammy? Ah. Yes love. And what else you been doing? I went to the hospital I hit my head. Yes I saw you there remember? No. Mammy she wasn't there was she? No love. Don't upset yourself have a little lie down. What? I don't understand this wavelength at first view. He doesn't really remember she says Sometimes one day from the next so don't say. I see. I understand. They start the chemo next week and everything'll be grand. Will it? It will the Lord's told me so. I see but the doctors. And what would they know? He survived with the good grace of God before. But. Don't start with me. Have faith that's all I want. Yes Mammy. I understand. Make your life a prayerful one and he will answer. But I. That's all. Yes Mammy. Trawl through this while then go back where I came.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

No sign of him. Oh God. And then. She says there's a message for you on the answer machine a bit weird, I don't know him. Some guy you done? Feed the tape. Listen over again and again. Hissing. Hello? I don't know if this is you. I'm going to be over this weekend. Hello? Shall I come? Are you there? I hope you are. Do you even live here? This wasn't the number you gave me. I had to. Never mind. I don't know if. Anyway call if you want. The hotel is tick tick tick.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

Who's that? Someone special? Never mind. Oh now now aren't we the quiet type. Sounds a bit old for you. Shut up. This not like that.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

I don't know. Swallow it. And in this time. Is this the thing. In my mind. Shall? I do. No I'm not. But then. But then. I call him in his room. Hotel. And I say are you there? Is that you? Yes. What do you want me to? I. I want you to come to the flat.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

I say my uncle's in town. Oh right. He's going to come over for a while. That'll be nice, to meet your family. Can't believe I never have. I won't breathe that. I won't breathe this. The shape of what's coming inside my mouth. Like rats. Like scum. But I swallow for I am waiting just for him. Think this has been years and years. I don't know. Maybe shouldn't do it. How can I ask up prayers when. Look will you stay for a drink? Okay. For there's one part now thinking I should not at all.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

And I let her even open the door. He is surprised by that. Hello. Hello have I come to the wrong flat? I share with your niece. Nice to meet. And. I stand just out of his sight. Is she here? Sitting room, go on in. And. He is so white. Threads there under his skin. Blue twists I could trace. Hello. How are you? I'd kiss him but. She says. You know, I can't stay. But. No. That party I forgot. Sorry to love and leave you.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

She get her coat and leave me high and dry. Desert us to each other. Uncle and I and. My fillet self. Full with marks of going wrong. Bang she shut our door behind and. We are quiet in this full room.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

Do you want a drink? Yes he says. I'm glad to see you how's your brother? Going to be fine I hope. I. Sorry I didn't call before I. Didn't know what to do.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

God his face like a pattern I have seen. Worked my way round with biros and felt tip pens. Since I was younger. Since I was. Thirteen. I don't remember. Just.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

I'm glad to see you is what I say. Something. I know. He will take me somewhere. Will I make him? Come into me. Come into my house. Come in and stop all of the clocks for he can for he can and I know that. Give me a moment. Give me time.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

I wanted you to come I say. My My My brother. I needed to. I close to cry. He says stop. I'm here now. Put my hand on his face. Put my hand in his hair I pull it. Pull to almost out he saying there leave it calm down stop. I'm here. Come for you. Dig his thumb in my sides. Fingers for claws. In my. I called you. I said. Where were you? For. What? This. He pull up my skirt. Put his hand between my legs. Well I'm here doing what you want. Put yourself on me then, in me. Pull all other things out. It's no interest to me and. Throw me. Smash that all up. Do whatever you want. The answer to every single question is Fuck. Stitching up my eyes and sewing up my lips. Will you do that? Say. That. Do that. To me. Yes. Fuck. Yes. Help me. Save me from all this.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

And he kiss me all over like I am alive. Take me stitch by stitch. Off. As though he knew and unwound it. All the flesh dirtied and tightly wrapped. Stinking smothered by life by. Encased where there's no need to breathe to think. All his body I cannot see. Forced inside me. Clamp on me like armour was made of steel. I remember. Where the air is. Where is the air? We. The right word. At godforsaken last I am not on my. Stuck up alone somewhere. Go on. In me. Passing me going. He. Hurt. Somewhere beyond my tight chest my tight teeth my tight lungs my tight brain crunch my blood knowing where to go my heart stopping when it can let it go by. Have him. Do. And I give him. Such a wide space to fill. Such a great white and empty room. I am. Such a mess of blood and shame. I'll be killed by this. Perhaps not struck down. Don't believe don't believe with him inside me. Where I am? I don't believe anymore. Just. I'll walk out from this. Most awful sin and it won't make a change knock a beat from my heart. Go away. Go away thought. Him. I want you. There is something. I say Don't leave me alone. There is something going on in my. Please don't stop I say and again. Til I am hurt or I am sick. Keep going until I. Then you can let me die.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

Morning is my worst. The bit of any time. Coming numb from sleep. And know again the world's happening. Tongue in my teeth and body of smells. Things in this day are happening to you. I thought of you. Of you. Of your waking up eyes thinking what's today what's going on? And him sleeping on me. Crush. That face in my elbow. He in my bed. Well that's the first time we did it not standing up ha. Sssh don't say. I feel his body now like weights under water. Drag me down. I want. If I could be dead if I could be cut or broken up pushed underneath something feel my skin strip off. I would. Better. Must be better. I must be here. I should know. And what there is I must do. Living. Is something. Is somewhere. This man. I want. Something. Plunge from a cliff. Drag me backwards I must. I am so wrong. But. It's all the same. Go on go on you can go on.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

By the afternoon when now he has his clothes on coffee drank. You know these are my eyes and you can look at them he says. Toast? It is a quiet and worse lie than I have ever told I say. Don't think about it. Never go anywhere near that. Put his hand inside my thighs. And don't mention him your name for here is not the place for that. When I am fucked and hurt. Where I go with my eyes wide. Shut. Open. It's all the same. Idle. Smoking should you do that why because never mind me. And even if his daughters don't deserve. Look at their faces in my head. I don't. I do not. My aunt. Well to her anyhow. Because this time I have got what I want. I would never ask for him to tell. He says lie down. I. He says Again.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

In the evening when he can kiss me with all his tongue. With the parts of him that are quiet now. I am evened. I am done for this for this while now. He says he's got an evening flight. He is going home to my aunt. To his children. That his time's up. His time's up now. Thanks for I say. Kiss me. Everything. I'll talk to you soon. Goodbye then. Goodbye. Look what's done's done he says. Yes. Say hello to my aunt for me. Don't. That the phone rings. That's my mother for me. Well I'll. Close the door when you are gone. I. He says. I don't know. Saying goodbye. Take care of yourself. Hello Mammy? Yes I met him for a cup of tea. Yes. For my number. He said. No I hadn't seen him since the funeral. He's looking well.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

So what was that then with your uncle she says. He's just over on business now and then. Right. What? Well. The state you were in like he's you oh I see. What? After the funeral. And? Don't bullshit me. I. That stuff. I'd smell it a mile away. Funny families. Don't know what. Father's or mother's brother? Uncle-in-law. Well at least it's not that mortal sin. Ha ha. Shut up. He's worried about my brother. Pound. Bruise my lips while I tell this lie. Whatever you say but I know. What? There's something there. He's just someone to talk to. You can talk to me. I don't know what I'm doing do you? I say. What? What's all this, you and me and all the fucking and going mad I don't know its own reason or the point. What? These things. It's not right. It's normal. I'm so. There now. Sit down. Don't be upsetting yourself don't cry. I have to. It's alright. Get something out of me.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

That night we're hunting. Pub to pub. Drink up that. Do you feel? Better now. Better than before. And some nice young man's mouth some nice young man's hands up my skirt in the toilets open up my thighs. Mind. All my life is hassle and all of this is fine. Singing toora loora, toora loora lay.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

I come down to see you again. So now I'm come down every weekend. Do you want to go for a walk with me? Think you still can. And maybe fresh air as they say will do you good. Yes. But we go slowly and you rest on my arm. What if we were young, were small again? And if all this wasn't to be, what'd we be then? What I'd be. What I'd do. You say Mammy's making a novena. She says it never fails it never fails in reasons like this when asked with a pure soul. I am tired. Too full of stuff I've done. Where my legs hurt where my scalp hurts. I'll not fight the thing inside me anymore. Let it eat me up. Please God. I want it to.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

You are saying doesn't it look like a when we were little day? High sky and snackish air. It does. We walk so slow for you. Hey look I say, what about that? Will you look at that? What? Up there. See where I'm pointing at. A load of ducks I see them. No. Geese. Swans. Yes. Honking. I like that. V over me. V off to some reservoir I say. To the lake. Sure we'll see them when we get there. Fat bellies on them. Full of crusts and slugs do they eat them? I don't know. I'd say I would. Pâté they are for birds. Especially ones that swim. Not slimy like fish. Juicy. Escargot for them. Blather makes you laugh. I like. No snail shells. Not much fun that with a beak. Shards up your gob. Hurts. Did you ever think of it? No you say. I like them flying over a city but if one fell down. Going up to a reservoir or up a canal. I saw a dead one there once. Maybe it did just fall. Whack. That'd give you a quare crack on the head. Swanned to death. Do you know big restaurants serve them? For money you can hit them with a stone. Drag them back there. Swans tongue. On a big white plate. Full of grease and muck and shite. Disgusting. I wouldn't eat out of those canals. Scabies waiting to hop on you. Yum you say. Hundreds of pounds worth of muck swan on your plate. Slurp it. Imagine, is that a wiggly bit there in the meat? It loves slugs you know. Imagine that. A diet of slugs can make you fly. Do you like them? You should try it. I'll make it for your tea. Do you still see them flying there? I do I do. Well they've gone off now. I hope no one will kill them tonight. Yes. Me too. Are you alright? I'm alright. Good.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

Sting me to the bones to see you this way. To see you. There is nothing to say for the jaws shut tight when I'm alone. Will we all get better? Will we all be fine? Father in heaven. Father up above. I don't want my brother to die.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

The telephone rings. I'm over next week will I come? I won't cry off. Just for this weekend this once and won't do it ever again. Gets the smell of me. I know. Even I can tell. The smell that I will always do whatever it is he wants because. Come I say.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

I've missed you. Think about you all the time. Fill me over with. Stuff. In my ear. In my head. How's your brother? Here's some money. Thanks. Your aunt says hello. Oh? She says she might be over next time. With you? Me. Ha. To see your mother. Is she? Lend a hand. Isn't that great. Lend me yours he. I give it. Put it in his pants. Jesus. Jesus he says. Curl over me. And you're worried I'll tell? No. That you fuck me. She'd want to. Like to know I'd say. No. I'd tell her. Shut your mouth. This time I would. You won't. Won't I. Good to spill his cup. He hurt my arms. You open your legs. I. I've haven't stopped thinking about you for a moment he says. Shame I didn't think of you at all. Do it. Not until. What? You hurt me. He pull by the hair. How you like it? Does that hurt? No. Then what? I want. Words drown like water. Make me know what you mean. What? When you miss me. What words are when. Get. Jesus. Over. He goes somewhere else inside. Does that hurt? Yes. A lot. A lot and relieves me for a while.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

There was someone on the phone was saying it's like fingers through his brain. Was it our mother, probably was, saying how chemo ordered administered make you puke like mad. They said though like fingers breaking down. Like fingers starting to bleed. I said it was an old one but. I told them it's not new. Mammy I. Because God you see. I would never survive. He wouldn't ask that of. He wouldn't ask me that. But I know we must wait a few weeks then scan. To see it all it will be peeled back.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

For we're dangling by our ankles. When will I you she fall in? Think I'll spend my time going again. Home. Back there. Trains passing like teeth through my head.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride

Home. Knock knock. Well now, says the man, we came to lend our support. The ministry missionary fellowship. On the doorstep but right in my eyes. Praise the Lord praise the Lord above. We're not Christians you know, that way. The way like you are I say. We're Catholics. Yes but we heard about your brother? Brother. We heard of you and know you'll want to hear the good good news. Oh whatsit? Jesus loves you. Right enough and so and is there some more better news than that? The best news. See, the best news you will ever hear. I doubt. Don't think that's true I think chemo worked or miracle cure could be better even than that. Now see that's where you're wrong for only Christ saves. From above. From up the clouds where heaven is right? And the kingdom of heaven will come again. I don't think so sorry afraid don't agree with that. That's the problem. Why he's dying. You see the devil got in. What? In your house. Don't think that's true. Down the chimney, up the plug hole did he how did he get in? He's inside you he's around you and he'll drag you down. To the pit. I well know it. And your family too and is your father dead I heard he was. See see see? No. Wages of a Godless life. What do you know? Jesus loves you and he wants into your life. Let him come on in if he wants to. That's the wrong attitude to take. Invite him into your heart and soul. He was whipped and bled and beat for you, for you and all your grievous sins. Was he now, is that so? It is and so now so there. Did I ask him? Did I want it? Was that ever what I said slice yourself up so many years ago for me for ever for what I've done? Indeed indeed sharper than a serpent's tooth thankless child. You're Jesus' child. I am not. You are. Just let him in. Off the doorstep now I know enough's enough. So you're content to let your brother die? What? For your pride and for your wrongs. He's cancer. But. There is no devil here. No Satan Christ in any manner. Crucifix to bow before. Figurines to kiss now. Get out. You need to get off this step. I don't want your sort round here. Poisoned. Well God forgive you. And he can shove it. And damn you. He will. You too. Bastards. Showers of shite attend your every waking shitting prayer. So there so there so there so there. Bang the door on them that hard I'd shatter glass. Christians go and shite.

A Girl Is a Half-formed Thing - Eimear McBride