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My girlfriend's grandma passed away 5 months ago. They were very close. She took care of her till she died. Things kinda returned to normal few weeks later. Last month it feels like we hit a brick wall. Intimacy fell off. I asked what's up. She says she can't connect with anyone and that it's not me. She used to be very open and expressive. Now she gives short answers and has no interest in sex or any touching. When we did have sex in the last month, something felt really off. Now I'm very insecure about us and have thoughts of her cheating. She says otherwise, but I don't know. It just feels like something is really off.

Grief has a huge impact on us and everyone's reaction is different. The one common reaction however is to shut down and distance ourselves. Her relationship with her grandmother was close, given she took care of her up until she passed. It sounds like she is working through a difficult loss and her ability to connect with you, or anyone else, is likely low right now. Trust what she is telling you and try to be there for her as she works through it. If she finds it too difficult to connect again, a good grief counselor can help her get back on track.

We live with my ex-partner’s sister and her husband. We have been there for five years now. They are Hispanic and talk to my daughter in their language. Sometimes they overstep their balance between aunt and uncle and reach into my role as a parent. They neglect to see this. I do, and it reflects in my child's behavior. She sees them as stable but is upset that her dad isn't here, and my intuition tells me she blames me to a degree because she doesn't know about his alcohol addictions.

Hi New York, I'm happy to hear that your daughter doesn't know about her dad's addictions. Although you don't say how old she is, and I imagine that at some point in her life she will be ready to know the truth, I trust your instinct that now is not the time. Your ability to have clear boundaries about what is adult conversation and what is suitable for a child to know are really important here, and I can tell you're being appropriately protective and a thoughtful parent. As much as this helps your daughter, I sense that you also know you can't take away the emotional pain that comes from having an absent parent. Children tend to blame themselves for a parent's absence. These children need extra love and support wherever they can get it.You say that you feel like there is a wedge between you and your daughter. I understand that having your ex partner's relatives in the same home would make it uncomfortable at times. It is very important to establish boundaries; only you should parent your daughter, but it's also natural for people to want to assist you. Let's trust that their intentions are good, if there is no evidence to the contrary. As much as they support you, they also  have emotional ties to your daughter's father. While there is potential for discomfort in this complex situation, there are also many positive factors here that I invite you to see.I don't know what your culture is, but for your daughter to have the opportunity to preserve her father's heritage language and a relationship with his family are potentially wonderful additions to her life. In general, the more adults around loving and supporting a child, the better. It could be that you are feeling threatened by small moments where there appears to be a special connection between your daughter and her father's family. Nothing anyone else does can take your daughter's love from you. My hope for you is that you can feel so secure in your own position as loving mother that you will not feel intimidated by other positive connections your daughter has. They are potentially wonderful connections, and she deserves your support in maintaining those relationships if they don't harm her.I suggest that the most important alliances to work on here are between you and your ex's family. If you could all give your daughter the gift of a healthy, united supportive and loving safety net for her...that's the best outcome of all.

My husband and I got into a huge dispute. He said he wanted a divorce, and I left. I still come home a lot and see my kids, and he has not filed yet even though he still said he is. What does that mean for our marriage?

In situations like this, in most cases, he probably will not fill anytime soon. It's more of the fact that he isn't ready to give that life yet... Now if you probably pressured him about it then yes, he would probably give in.. But if it hasn't been a big issue anymore or something you guys aren't talking about, then right now.. Everything is on a hold.

My mother takes care of niece whom my sister abandoned. She calls me every day complaining, but I don't want to hear it anymore.

It can really be difficult to listen to someone constantly complain and it can take a lot of emotional energy to be the listening ear to someone struggling. Perhaps having a conversation with your mother about making the communication more productive in nature. It seems like your mother is obviously having some difficulties and she is stuck, therefore making you stuck listening to complaints on repeat. Explain to her the impact it has on you to listen to the complaining and not working towards changing things or coming to a level of acceptance or even making the conversation mutual, such as her being there for you. This may or may not help her to come around, but at least it can open up the conversation and be an effort towards initiating a change.

I have so many issues to address. I have a history of sexual abuse, I’m a breast cancer survivor and I am a lifetime insomniac. I have a long history of depression and I’m beginning to have anxiety. I have low self esteem but I’ve been happily married for almost 35 years. I’ve never had counseling about any of this. Do I have too many issues to address in counseling?

You have been through so much and it sounds like you have a lot of things that have complied over the years. Regardless of the struggles you have been through, you do not have too many issues for counseling. Many times when someone starts out their counseling and healing journey, there are multiple things they would like to address and work on. If you decide to start counseling, you and your therapist can decide collaboratively what you would like to process and work on first. Be sure to express to your counselor if any of the above experiences you've been through is causing a lot of distress , as many times the first things addressed are the ones that are presently affecting your life or you emotionally. Often times when we experience negative situations in our life , but do not address them, they bottle up inside us and can manifest in other ways, such as depression or even physical symptoms like IBS or neck pain.  Counseling can give these bottled up emotions and situations a release. Given the situation you shared, not only do I not think that you have too many issues for counseling, but believe that you will be a great candidate and can get a lot from it.

I'm very depressed. How do I find someone to talk to?

Hang in there! Feeling depressed sucks but talking with someone can really help - so its awesome that you're already trying to figure out how to find that person. Tons of good suggestions already but to add my two cents - you can find therapists in your area and read a little bit about them to find someone you like the sound of via this website, and also via www.psychologytoday.com; if you have health insurance your insurer might be able to make recommendations as to therapists covered by your plan, or if you happen to be in school, the school itself should be able to connect you with either their own counselor or a center that they recommend nearby. Finding someone can take a few calls or a bit of research so if you need some immediate support, or find yourself having thoughts of hurting yourself, you can also call the great folks who run the Suicide crisis line https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org - they are great in moments of crisis.

We've been in a long distance relationship for two and a half years. I recently saw his phone and saw the people he texts the most and one of them was a female coworker. I don't know how to approach this situation. How do I ask him about it?.

I agree with Sherry that in a close intimate relationship, you are entitled to ask questions about his relationship with significant others. These questions help couples to build connection and trust. It's based on the idea that if you reach out to him for whatever reason (support, openess, understanding, empathy), you can count on him and can expect him to be responsive. How he responds to your question will give you an idea whether he helps you to feel more emotionally secure and builds trust or if you feel that you cannot be open with him. If your partner responds in an open and understanding manner, it usually indicates that he cares about your feelings and values your importance. If he responds in a defensive manner, it could mean that he does not like that you are questioning your trust in him or that he has something to hide. Either way, you may wish to explain that building trust is something that is very important to you in a relationship and that talking to him openly helps to foster that. If he continues to be defensive or evasive, then there might be some bigger issues at stake and the two of you may benefit from couples counselling or having a discussion about the values that are important to you in the relationship and how the two of you will go about supporting those values with actions.Dr. Virginia Chowwww.PsychologyResource.ca

I am in a high stress position for a tech company. I am being overworked and underpaid for my contributions and it is not only giving me anxiety, but also demoralizing. What can I do to manage my stress?

Recognize your reason for continuing to work for this place.Sometimes "overworked and underpaid" is tolerable bc of the valuable learning which the person will take with them when they've decided the time has come for these lessons to end.Or, are you in this place bc it is an easy commute to your home or fits well with other parts of your life such as education or some health related program?As long as you have a good reason to be there, you will feel there is good purpose.If there is no good purpose and every day you wake up to work for a place you can't stand, then its time to look for a new position.

I'm 17 and I'm sick and tired of going back and forth. I'd like to stay at my mother's house. This problem has really affected me. I've had anxiety attacks and suicidal thoughts and self-harm in the past. Currently I'm going through anxiety and my thearapist is not available. How do I handle this?

OK first things first. We have to think of your safety and take care of those thoughts of hurting yourself.Yes, this is a major problem for you and can cause anxiety and depression. You have the right to be sick and tired. Kids often are pawns in this marital problems that their parents have. I'm sorry that this is happening to you.I am not sure of your rights in the state you live in but as far as I know you as a 17 year old you have the right to stay where you want. So your'e going through an anxiety episode and your therapist is not available.  If I'm the therapist we would have already set up a plan so that if you are in this situation you would know what to do. In the worst case scenario you would be able to contact me.But I would have given you several exercises to help reduce your anxiety.Staying with your mom should be your choice. I know you probably don't want to hurt anyone's feelings but there are ways to ease the tension. Maybe with your permission and their agreement, we all could meet together for a session or two to ease your tensions and get over and through this hassle.

We had our first kid 15 years ago, and sex has been nonexistent ever since. It only happens every three or four months. We have been to counseling, and I have been told over and over again she will come around. She hasn't, and I'm intimately lonely! I think it's time to move on, but how do I do that without hurting my kids?

Hi Pocahontas, This is a painful situation. When you're in a relationship, you assume that you will continue to receive warmth and affection. When it dries up, it's a very lonely place. It's possible that there is an unaddressed issue in the relationship. It's also possible that your partner has hormonal issues, pain issues,  sexual dysfunction or is asexual. There is no one answer here. Only you can decide what is right for you. But let me ask some questions to help you explore next steps:Aside from the sex, is your wife loving and supportive? What are the other ways in which you feel loved? Does your wife talk to you? Does she communicate her needs and desires? Does she articulate what gets in the way of having sex? If your wife is generally a loving, open partner, you use this to see that her behaviours aren't personal. Whether she resolves this or not, it can help you to cope with the rejection. This is your wife's issue, and the "ball" is in her court.In my opinion, if couple's therapy hasn't helped, it's time for your wife to own whatever is blocking her and address it with her physician and therapist. Let her be in charge of the sex for a while, to take the pressure off, and she can have the time to figure out what gets in the way of having regular sexual intimacy in your relationship. If you think of this as "my wife is in crisis and needs support in figuring this out", it can help you manage your own emotions. Pressure to have sex might push her further away. Did the couple therapist help you to see the dynamic in your relationship? Has your partner identified something she feels she is lacking in the relationship? One good way to make sure you "get" is to "give" (and I mean give what she wants, not sex). It's appropriate to say to her now "I cannot live in a relationship with so little intimacy. I need for you to be honest with me about what you want for us sexually. If this is all you want, I'm not sure I can do it. If you want us to be more sexual, I need you to address what gets in the way for you."  Give her some time, help her in any way you can, and then see where you are. See if she does seek help to address an issue that is hers. Then...you have a decision to make. I encourage you to make it looking at the big picture, not just the sex.

I've become so jaded that I can't control my thoughts. I cannot focus on anything and been having anxiety attacks.

Maybe your thoughts require your attention and the best course would be to pay attention and follow them!If you're in an especially stressful or uncertain time in your life, then the best way through is to understand the tension you feel.It keeps trying to get you to know whats going on deep within you.Anxiety is a sign of stress and weariness.  Your thoughts are a chance to simply rest and know what they would like you to know.Then, when that process is finished your anxiety will no longer be necessary and will most likely leave you alone.

Hello, I have a cousin in my family who has been making me feel belittled, insecure, and frustrated during her stay here in the city. I know she comes from a place of love, but she has always been short-fused and highly temperamental if something doesn't work out the way she planned it. I have tried my best to coordinate plans with her, but she always ends up frustrated about the lack of communication I seem to have on my part and then makes condescending comments about my character that include: inconsiderate, negative, oblivious, and self consumed. I have tried to talk to her openly about this, but it always comes back as an attack on my character and I have never heard these comments from anyone else before. I have been thinking a lot about her comments and whether I truly am an inconsiderate person who is not thoughtful, spatially aware of surroundings/people, or positive, but in the end, I am feeling awfully hurt about how this has affected our relationship. What can I do?

It sounds like you are feeling pretty criticized by your cousin and at the same time you are wondering whether or not there is some truth in what she is saying. It also sounds like you would like to see if you can find a new way to relate to your cousin, so that your relationship can be more satisfying. If you can find a competent therapist to work with, there may be a great deal of opportunity to learn more about how you relate to people in the world and to learn strategies to show up in your relationship with your cousin in a way that feels right to you.

My brother just broke up with his girlfriend. While they were dating for the past two years, her son spent the weekends with me and my mother. Now she doesn't think her son should have any interaction with us. How should we approach the situation? Is she doing the right thing for her child?

Hi Tampa, I get that this is a loss for all of you; you have bonded with this child as a result of the significant time you have spent with him. He's a lucky boy to have had you all taking care of him. Certainly, it seems that his mother might not be making the best decision for her son; if you are willing to maintain the relationship, it would be good for him to still have that contact. In my book, the more people loving a child, the better. But, ultimately, she has the right to make these decisions. To oppose her won't likely do any good. You can focus on grieving this relationship and supporting your brother through his loss as well. 

It's really hard to not have negative feelings about friends who don't put any effort into nourishing our relationship.

Interpersonal relationship (either positive or negatives) need to or more persons who give and receive: attention, dedication, time and communication. But what makes friendships special is that they last trough time, at least with those who we call our true friends, those who know us well and whom we have a special connection and those from whom we disconnect at times, without fear of losing them.Consider what is that you are going trough yourself and with your relationship, talk to your friend about your concern; let him (her) know that you would like to spend more time together.  Plan an activity that you both enjoy or try to discover a new hobby. If your friend is not enthusiastic or engaged, give him (her) some time and focus your energy spending time with other friends or enjoying activities in solitude. After a waiting period, call again to let your friend know how you are and that you are still a friend.   If you continue feeling rejected, analyze why you value this relationship so much and consider if it’s worth to maintain it.Mis amigos no ponen esfuerzo en nuestra relación.Es muy difícil no tenerles sentimientos negativos a amigos que no se esfuerzan en cuidar nuestra relación.Las relaciones interpersonales (negativas positivas) necesitan dos o más personas que den y reciban: atención, dedicación, tiempo y comunicación.  Pero lo que tienen de especial las relaciones de amistad es que perduran a través del tiempo, al menos con los que llamamos nuestros verdaderos amigos, los que nos conocen bien y con quien tenemos una conexión especial, y de quienes nos desconectamos en ocasiones, sin miedo a perderlos. Considera que está sucediendo contigo y en tu amistad, conversa con tu amigo(a) sobre tu preocupación, déjale saber que te gustaría pasar más tiempo juntos.  Planifica alguna actividad que les interese a ambos o descubran algún nuevo interés.  Si la respuesta de tu amigo(a) no es positiva o entusiasta, dale tiempo y acércate a otras personas que compartan intereses en común, o dedícate a hacer cosas que disfrutas en solitud.  Después de un plazo,  vuelve a comunicarte para saber como esta, y dejarle su amigo(a) de siempre está ahí. Si sientes que tu amigo(a) no tiene ningún interés, buscar hacer nuevas conexiones, y enfócate más en ti y en otras actividades.  Si tu amigo(a) no responde, analiza porque valoras esta relación, y si conviene mantenerla, aun cuando tu amigo(a) no responde a tus esfuerzos.

I am a survivor of multiple sexual abuse/rape experiences. Triggers are having an effect on my daily life and my sexual relationship with my partner. I'm trying to learn to cope with them.

Have you tried counseling?  Having PTSD from multiple abusive sexual experiences is very overwhelming for one to handle alone.  You may need the guidance, experience and support of a professional to identify all the triggers that effect you and obtain the best coping skills that would work for you.

I have been having a lot of nightmares where I am being killed in different ways. I either wake up in a panic or just crying and sweating. It has made me terrified of falling asleep and is now affecting my daily life too. Can I make the nightmares stop?

Hello, and thank you for your question. Sleep problems, including insomnia and even the nightmares that you are writing about, are really common for people and so many people suffer from them. Here are a few things to consider or to try: 1. Have you changed or started taking any new medication lately? Medications can certainly affect your sleep and some can even cause vivid or frightening dreams. If you are taking a new medication, talk to your provider about the nightmares, this may be the cause. 2. Stress can certainly increase our difficulty with sleep and can also begin to affect our dream states. The dreams may not make much sense, but then again even good dreams don't always make much sense. Ask yourself, do I have any new or renewed stressors in my life? Work, school, relationships, health.... all of these areas and many more are places where stress can hide out. If this is the case, talk with your provider or consider seeing a counselor who may be able to help. 3. Something to consider is that once we start to have anxiety or stress about something, we can begin to obsess about it. My guess is that going to bed for sleep is no longer a pleasant thing for you. Your stress and fear of what may happen when you sleep could start way before you actually go to bed. This could increase your chances of having another bad dream. Try relaxation techniques before going to bed. If you have YouTube, you can pull up "Guided Meditation for Sleep" exercises to help you relax. There are many different ones to choose from. You may also want to try deep breathing.4. There are self-help ideas for managing bad nightmares. If you Google search "Nightmare Rescripting" or "Nightmare Exposure" you may find some ideas and instructions on how to manage dreams. I hope these ideas help. Be well... Robin J. Landwehr, DBH, LPC, NCC

I am a female, and I am afraid of having sex. I am afraid of disappointing my partner by being inexperienced. I think he thinks I'm not a virgin. I am also scared that he will be disappointed with my naked body. I don't want my partner to think differently of me because I am afraid of having sex.

As hard as it may be to do this, since all the media and marketing of how an ideal person looks and performs sexually, surrounds us, keep in mind that the images presented in order to sell movies and almost any product, is meant to trigger fantasies.No one is a fantasy, we are all real and unique.  We can be influenced to believe that being a fantasy is better than being who each of us is, genuinely.Your partner may be much more accepting of your body and your level of sexual experience, than you are of yourself!Sex within a relationship means the two people want to have with the other one, not because they have ideal bodies and expertise, but because the person wants to make love to the one whom they love.When you are in a loving relationship, part of this includes talking about sensitivities and insecurities.  Having a conversation gives the chance to know that you are accepted for who you are, not how closely you resemble a made up idea meant to persuade people to buy items.

I am so terrified of having sex anymore because I have been told over and over that sex is dangerous even though me and my partner used both forms of protection. My partner is not happy about this and simply wants more sex, and honestly, I want to give that to her.

Maybe you'll feel less fear by understanding that whoever told you sex was dangerous, was wrong.If this message came from your upbringing, then it may a deeply embedded belief.Since the belief itself instructs to avoid risk, and overturning this belief requires taking the risk to believe the logic that reasonable safe sex measures are adequate protection, give yourself time to absorb this new understanding.Talk w your partner about your psychological difficulty bc their patience will help you.

I'm planning to have baby, so I have to quit smoking - but it's hard. Sometimes it's not a physical need, it's mental. I cannot help myself from thinking about smoking. What can I do to get rid of this addiction?

Breaking any habit is no easy feat.   Cutting down or cutting out cigarettes is very challenging, and there aren't any one size fits all solutions.  Fortunately, there are a lot of tricks and tools that you can use to stop smoking.  1. Many habits that we have are paired habits. If we do one thing, then we will do the other thing.  Think about the activities that you do when smoking and try to pair those activities with another activity other than smoking.  For instance, many people smoke while they drive.  Consider planning another activity to do while driving. (It might not be driving for you, but you get the idea! :)).  It might be taking a walk instead of smoking on your break at work.  2.  Create distance between you and the habit you are trying to break.  This approach could be used in a variety of different ways.  If you smoke first thing in the morning, consider leaving your cigarettes in a different room in your home.  Walking the extra couple of feet could help you decide not to smoke.   Leave your credit or debit cards at home and carry less emergency cash than a pack of cigarettes.  With this strategy, you are trying to create some distance between you the cigarettes so that you have to jump through extra hoops to get them.  3.  Consider cutting back before cutting out.  If you are smoking 10 cigarettes a day, try smoking 9. Then cut back to 8 and so on.  Having a plan to reduce harm may be more sustainable than cutting things out altogether. 4.  You could also talk to your doctor about the safety of nicotine patches. If you aren't already pregnant, this could be a great resource to help boost your success.  5. Focus on what you are gaining instead of what you are loosing. You may be losing cigarettes, but you are gaining money, health, taste buds, an increased sense of smell, lung capacity, a healthy baby etc.  You could plan small rewards/ treats with the money you save from decreasing cigarette purchases.  I recommend making these purchases small and frequent to keep up the momentum rather than waiting for a big payout a couple of months down the road.  Good luck! Cutting out cigarettes will be good for you and your baby.

She's in her early 20s, and she has a toddler.

It may be helpful to first have a discussion about what you are expecting and put a timeframe on it that if she is not doing certain things by a certain date, she will have to leave. If you don't know where she can go, there is probably a list of shelters for the county that you live in.

How does a person start the counseling process?

I think it is important that you are able to convey what you are looking for in a therapist even if that changes over time.  You need to look at it like you are interviewing the counselor and that they will be able to provide you with the therapy you need.  To many times we do not know and it ends up not being a good fit and then people are left with a bad experience and do not want to re-engage.  Remembering you are basically hiring someone to help you so I would treat it as such. Do some research and be clear as to why you are coming to therapy and ask questions as how they will be able to help you. 

I believe it is wrong for men to look at inappropriate content. The father of my child has agreed to respect my beliefs. His co-worker sent him an inappropriate video. He got mad because he does not think he should tell his friend to not send him things like that.

It sounds like you are wanting to protect your child from degrading images and that is one of the important parts of the job of a parent. Although it is challenging to supply an answer without knowing the full situation, it might be helpful to have a more broad discussion about what you both think about the influences and images that your child is exposed to and what you think your role is in protecting your child. This situation is one about beliefs and values and could well be an example you can use for exploring your parenting roles in protecting your child.

I have so many issues to address. I have a history of sexual abuse, I’m a breast cancer survivor and I am a lifetime insomniac. I have a long history of depression and I’m beginning to have anxiety. I have low self esteem but I’ve been happily married for almost 35 years. I’ve never had counseling about any of this. Do I have too many issues to address in counseling?

It could be said that you might be the perfect candidate for counseling! No one is beyond hope, and someone brave enough to be honest regarding their struggles, with the intention of reaching out for help is certainly a person a qualified counselor would be happy to assist. You may want to do some research on therapists in your local area who specialize in mind-body connection, or one of the struggles you have acknowledged in your post, in order to find a therapist that is best suited to meet your needs. Good luck on your search, and remember that the world is a better place with you in it.