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CNN Graphic Designer Asked To Combine Dollar Sign, Syringe, Fighter Jets, Panda #~# ATLANTA—Christine Kannberg, a CNN Headline News graphic designer, expressed befuddlement Monday when asked to create a story logo incorporating a dollar sign, a syringe, fighter jets, and a panda. “I can’t even begin to imagine what this one’s for,” Kannberg said from her workstation. “Maybe, like, the Beijing Zoo was smuggling drugs into the U.S. inside pandas, and we bombed them or something.” Last week, Kannberg was asked to create a graphic combining a football helmet, three DNA helixes, a rhubarb pie, and the state of Oregon.

Nerd's Parents Afraid Son Will Fall In With Popular Crowd #~# MUNDELEIN, IL—Lawrence and Marcia Sprouse expressed concern Monday that their 15-year-old son Adam, after years of being a social outcast, is in danger of falling in with the popular crowd at Mundelein High School.

83-Year-Old Sneaks Into 65-To-80 Singles Dance #~# APPLETON, WI—Claude Winters, 83, falsified his age Saturday to gain admission to a dance for singles aged 65 to 80 at the Appleton VFW. "The girls at the over-80 dances are so old-fashioned," said Winters, eyeing a shapely 68-year-old widow across the dance floor. "When I go produce shopping, I want my vegetables, you know, fresh." Winters stressed he is not "some cradle-robbing pervert looking for pre-menopausal women."

Pope Forgives Molested Children #~# VATICAN CITY—Calling forgiveness "one of the highest virtues taught to us by Jesus," Pope John Paul II issued a papal decree Monday absolving priest-molested children of all sin.

Factual Error Found On Internet #~# LONGMONT, CO—The Information Age was dealt a stunning blow Monday, when a factual error was discovered on the Internet. The error was found on TedsUltimateBradyBunch.com, a Brady Bunch fan site that incorrectly listed the show's debut year as 1968, not 1969.

Same Jumbotron Used For Marriage Proposal Used To Ask For Divorce #~# CLEVELAND— Seven years after using the giant television screen to propose marriage, Kevin Kalish, 36, used the Sony Jumbotron at Jacobs Field to ask his wife Diane for a divorce Sunday. "DIANE, YOU'RE A WONDERFUL WOMAN AND YOU'VE BEEN VERY GOOD TO ME," read the message, posted before 22,347 fans during the fifth inning of an Indians-Royals game. "BUT LATELY I'M JUST FEELING TRAPPED AND SMOTHERED BY MARRIED LIFE. DIANE, WILL YOU BE MY EX-WIFE?" The Jumbotron went on to inform Diane that Kevin assumes she will want custody of their two children, and that he has no plans to contest that.

Fat Couple's Love Like A Fat Flower #~# DECATUR, AL— The love shared by Gene West and Brenda Goslow, who together total nearly 600 pounds, is as precious as a heaving, bloated rose, friends of the Decatur couple report. "It's so inspiring to see two people lumber through life hand-in-hand," friend Alice Toffler said Monday. "Their love is like a big, beautiful, morbidly obese chrysanthemum. Or a new spring tulip that just can't lay off the Fritos."

Area Man Urinating Like It's The Best Thing Ever To Happen To Him #~# FALL RIVER, MA— According to fellow urinators in the men's room of the Tip-Top Tavern, Steve Rilke, 44, is urinating as if it were the best thing ever to happen to him. "From the sounds he's making, you'd think it was the culmination of a lifelong dream," said Frank Nolfo, moments after stepping away from the adjacent urinal. "I mean, this is one seriously passionate piss." Nolfo theorized that Rilke's overly enthusiastic bladder-voiding is somehow related to the Tip-Top Tavern's three-for-one special on Bud Ice.

Struggling Airline Helped By Friendly Giant #~# FORT WORTH, TX— Hit hard by the recession and the aftermath of Sept. 11, American Airlines has received some much-needed assistance from a friendly giant named Urno. "Urno has been of enormous help to us, mostly by picking up planes and running them to their destinations to cut fuel expenses," American Airlines president Donald Carty said Monday. "He also helps wash our dirty planes by dipping them into lakes and rivers." Carty said he has strongly discouraged Urno from swatting rival airlines' planes out of the sky, but "sometimes, he just won't listen."

Retarded Child Gets New Video Game Right Before Every Dinner Party #~# KETTERING, OH— Jeffrey Dumas, a developmentally disabled 12-year-old, receives a new PlayStation 2 video game right before every dinner party thrown by his parents. "Look, Jeffrey, a driving game!" said Meredith Dumas, 40, presenting her son with "Gran Turismo 3" and a box of snack crackers minutes before guests began arriving for a party Sunday. "I bet you could get a million points by bedtime if you started now!" The haul was one of Dumas' best since New Year's Eve, when a party thrown by his parents netted him "WWF Smackdown!," "Crash Bandicoot 2: Cortex Strikes Back," and "Simpsons: Road Rage."

Offin' Office Max #~# Yo, this is a message foe all y'all wack muthafuckas at Office Depot: Step tha FUCK OFF, lest y'all wanna brawl wit' tha H-Dog an' tha rest of tha Midstate Office Supply krew. 'Cuz if it come to that, shit ain't gonna be pretty. Tha H-Dog and his Midstate ballers will WASTE yo' sorry li'l red-polo-shirted asses. Word is bond.

What Did Bush Know Before 9/11? #~# Last week, a report revealed that President Bush was briefed on the possibility of terrorist hijackings several weeks before Sept. 11. What do you think?

Rolling Stones Hit The Road #~# The Rolling Stones recently announced plans for a 40th-anniversary tour, starting in September. What can fans expect?

I Know What I Should've Told That Judge #~# Oh, man, is it too late to get a re-trial? Because I'm sure I could think of something better to say this time. They give you a second chance when you play the McDonald's Monopoly game, and that's a lot less important than being on trial for grand-theft auto. The thing is, I totally know what I should've told the judge.

Man Who's 1/16th Irish Proud Of His Irish Heritage #~# KENOSHA, WI—Despite being just 1/16th Irish, Dennis Kroeger, a 27-year-old marketing manager whose great-great grandmother hailed from County Cork, is fiercely proud of his Irish ancestry.

Handlers Desperate To Prevent Tara Reid Political Awakening #~# LOS ANGELES—Tara Reid's agent, publicist, and other members of her management team are working feverishly to avert a potential political awakening in the 26-year-old actress, sources reported Tuesday.

Home-Improvement Tips #~# Do-it-yourself home improvement can be money-saving and fun. Here are some tips to help you with that next project:

Father's Dying Wish A Real Hassle #~# HARRISON, TN—The last wish of Gerard Sumlin, who died last month at 68, is "a real pain in the ass," his children reported Monday.

Routine, Affordable Medical Procedure Put Off Another Year #~# WEBSTER GROVES, MO—Three years after being diagnosed with a benign rectal polyp, Webster Groves resident William Schraft continues to put off its removal, insisting that there is no need to undergo the routine, affordable procedure right this minute. "The doctor said it was benign, so what's the big rush?" the 54-year-old Schraft said Monday. "I can barely feel it most days anyway. It's probably shrinking."

Producer Wants To Call Movie Crime And Punishment Anyway #~# LOS ANGELES—Upon learning that the title has already been taken, Hollywood producer Andrew Shuler announced Monday that he wants to call his upcoming Universal Pictures police thriller Crime And Punishment anyway. "There is?" said Shuler, moments after being told of the classic Fyodor Dostoyevsky novel that shares its name with his upcoming Val Kilmer-Wesley Snipes vehicle. "I don't really see that as a problem. What 18- to 34-year-old has ever heard of that?" Shuler said he is confident he will be able to "buy out this Russian guy."

Latest News Of Israeli-Palestinian Violence Makes Man Hungry For Falafel #~# PISCATAWAY, NJ—A CNN report on a suicide bombing in Tel Aviv put Piscataway resident Larry Zahn in the mood for a falafel sandwich Monday. "Oh, man, I could go for some falafel right about now," said Zahn, 41, watching footage of injured Israelis being loaded onto ambulances. "A big pita stuffed with falafel, hummus, lettuce, and lots of tahini sauce. And some dolmades on the side. Yeah." In January 2001, a CNN report on an Indian earthquake that killed 2,000 gave Zahn an intense craving for chicken biryani.

Christian Weightlifter Bends Iron Bar To Show Power Of God's Love #~# TULSA, OK—Before 11,000 attendees at a "He Is Risen Rally" at Mabee Center, Christian weightlifter Michael Brighton bent a two-inch-thick iron bar Monday, clearly demonstrating the power of God's love within the heart and body of His followers. "Do you see the power of faith and belief?" said the 255-pound Brighton following the impressive feat of spiritual prowess. "Only a strong personal relationship with my Creator could have made this possible." Brighton went on to demonstrate God's hatred of ice blocks and wooden boards.

Burglary Is The Sincerest Form Of Flattery #~# Judging from the look on your face, I'm guessing you're offended. But please don't take my presence here in your home as a personal affront. When I sneaked into your home under cover of darkness after disarming your security system, feeding the guard dogs a sedative, and climbing to the second-story window with a grappling hook and rope, I never intended to insult you. In fact, my intention was just the opposite. I mean, what is burglary, after all, if not the sincerest form of flattery?

John D. And Catherine T. MacArthur Foundation Goes On Wild Endowment Binge #~# CHICAGO—The John D. and Catherine T. MacArthur Foundation went on a wild endowment binge last weekend, recklessly giving away more than $170 million in grants and fellowships in a 48-hour span.

Woman Forced To Converse Awkwardly With Bank-Promotion Clown #~# AUGUSTA, ME—While waiting to meet with a Kennebec Savings Bank mortgage officer Monday, Danielle Smales, 34, was forced to make stilted conversation with Thrifty The Banking Clown. "Just waiting for a meeting," Smales told the brochure-wielding promotional clown. "No, thanks. I don't really need Platinum checking." Though Smales managed to briefly steer the conversation toward the weather, a majority of the eight-minute chat centered on the importance of a sensible IRA, the convenience of online banking at KennebecSavings.com, and the great introductory rates available with a Kennebec Savings Visa card.

Rise Of The Far Right In Europe #~# From France to Austria to the Netherlands, ultra-nationalist, far-right political parties hostile to immigration are making gains throughout Europe. What do you think?

U.S. Protests Mexi-Canadian Overpass #~# WASHINGTON, DC—After nearly nine years of construction, the Mexi-Canadian Overpass, the controversial $4.3 trillion highway overpass linking Guadalupe and Winnipeg, was finally completed last week, drawing harsh criticism from U.S. citizens and officials alike.

Ask Raymond Carver #~# Yesterday, while on the phone with a friend, I mentioned that I'd phoned her the day before. She told me she knew I'd called, saying that she saw it on her caller ID box but didn't pick up the phone. I think that's downright rude! Do I have a right to be miffed?

Area Man Criticizes Hazelnut Coffee, Volvos, New Mexico's Flag In Two-Minute Span #~# ST. PAUL, MN—In a span of two minutes Monday, 33-year-old St. Paul resident Daniel Devore managed to criticize hazelnut coffee, Volvos, and the flag of New Mexico.

Star Wars Mania #~# Star Wars: Episode II–Attack Of The Clones finally hits theatres this Thursday.

Correct Theory Discarded In Favor Of More Exciting Theory #~# GRETNA, NE— The correct theory regarding the closing of Marvin's Diner was discarded Monday in favor of a far more exciting theory. "I bet the Omaha mafia muscled them out," said Gretna resident Lucinda Dunfee, pondering the fate of Marvin's Diner, which was shut down due to health-code violations. "They were taking business away from Steak Barrel, and those guys don't care who they get mixed up with." Dunfee noted that the restaurant's trash cans were often overturned during the night, which was likely an act of intimidation on the part of the Omaha crime syndicate.

Paul Lynde Impersonation Lost On Daughter's Friends #~# WAKEFIELD, MA— Sarah Ammons, 14, expressed befuddlement Monday, when, during a ride to school, her father attempted to entertain her and several friends with an impromptu impersonation of late comedian and Hollywood Squares regular Paul Lynde. "The next time I have a daughter, I hope it's a boy!" Bob Ammons, 41, bleated nasally in an imitation of the once-popular pop-culture reference. "Paul Lynde." Added Ammons: "Center square, usually sat between George Gobel and Rose Marie? Voice of Templeton the rat?" After dropping the girls off at school, Ammons stared into his car's rear-view mirror at the crow's feet developing around his eyes.

TV Guide Channel Tops Nielsens #~# LOS ANGELES— For the 11th straight week, the TV Guide Channel topped the Nielsen ratings, scoring blockbuster numbers in virtually all time slots and days of the week. "The frustrating experience of trying to find something decent on TV has meant ratings gold for the TV Guide Channel, Variety editor Peter Bart said. "By providing a means to search for something—anything—worth watching, this 24-hour electronic scroll has made itself America's most-watched channel."

Secretary Of Agriculture Gently Reminded About Dress Code #~# WASHINGTON, DC— After attending Monday's Cabinet meeting in a flannel work shirt and tattered jeans, Agriculture Secretary Ann Veneman was gently reminded by President Bush about the executive-branch dress code. "Say, you know, we get a lot of foreign dignitaries coming through here," Bush told Veneman. "So I think it might be a good idea if you had a little bit more of a professional appearance. Like maybe a nice navy-blue dress." Bush also encouraged Veneman to consider dress shoes instead of her usual steel-toe work boots.

Car Salesman Three Desks Over Going On And On About Chick He Banged Last Night #~# VIENNA, VA— The sales associate three desks over from Chevy/Geo dealer Karl Glodek is going on and on about the chick he banged last night, sources reported Monday. "You would not believe the stamina on this chick. Hours. She was a total freak," the salesman told an unnamed friend over the phone, as well as Glodek and the couple about to sign on a 2002 Chevy Prizm sedan. "Incredible rack, too—like, out to here." Glodek then suggested the couple go outside for "one more look at that beaut of a Prizm."

The Robert Blake Murder Case #~# Arrested nearly a year after his wife was fatally shot, actor Robert Blake is pleading not guilty to murder charges. What do you think?

Little Chelsea Clinton Is All Grown Up And Glamorous! #~# Item! Remember Chelsea Clinton? Wasn't it nice to have a presidential daughter who wasn't posing for Playboy or getting drunk? Instead, she was her own sweet self, full of flowers and sunshine, bringing cheer to everyone she met. Now, she's all grown up and glamorous, thanks to an expensive European makeover. It's nice to see Chelsea with her hair straightened sitting next to the likes of Gwenneth Paltrow and Madonna at Italian fashion shows. Can acting be too far off in her future? Keeping my fingers crossed…

Slumber-Party Confession Comes Back To Haunt Fourth Grader #~# HAMPTON, VA—A late-night slumber-party confession has come back to haunt Jessica Casper, the betrayed and humiliated 10-year-old reported Monday.

Bar-Trivia Champ Being A Real Dick About It #~# SHARONVILLE, OH—Shawn Gause, 34, a Cincinnati-area resident and bar-trivia champion, is a real dick about his trivia prowess, patrons of McSorley's Pub reported Tuesday.

I Lied About Making $80,000 Working From Home... And So Can You! #~# DO YOU WANT TO MAKE MORE MONEY? Have you ever dreamed about working from the comfort of your own home? Do you wish you could be your own boss, working as much or as little as you like?

Teen Sex Linked To Drugs And Alcohol, Reports Center For Figuring Out Really Obvious Things #~# BOSTON—A definitive causal relationship exists between drug and alcohol use and teen sex, the Center For Figuring Out Really Obvious Things reported Monday.

The Queen's Golden Jubilee #~# England’s Queen Elizabeth II is celebrating the 50th anniversary of her ascension to the throne this year.

God Re-Floods Middle East #~# JERUSALEM—In what theological and meteorological authorities are calling "a wrathful display of Old Testament proportions," the Lord Almighty re-flooded the Middle East Tuesday, making good on last week's threat to wipe the region clean if there was not an immediate halt to the bloodshed between Arabs and Jews.

Golf Tips #~# Warm weather is here, and it's time to hit the links. Here are some tips to help you improve your game:

Martha Stewart Stalker Can Barely Keep Up #~# EAST HAMPTON, NY—Richard Kowalcyk, 36, who for several years has been stalking author, magazine publisher, TV personality, and house-and-home guru Martha Stewart, told reporters Monday that he can barely keep up.

Lottery Loser Angry At Lottery Winner #~# HARRISBURG, PA—Winona Culvert, a loser in Monday's $113 million Pennsylvania Lottery, expressed anger at Mechanicsburg electrician Clint Furlow, who took home the jackpot after buying a single ticket on a whim. "Who the hell does that asshole think he is?" said Culvert upon seeing the news report of Furlow's victory. "I bought 40 tickets." Culvert added that she needs the prize money far more than Furlow, as she has been on public assistance for the past two years.

U.S. Middlemen Demand Protection From Being Cut Out #~# WASHINGTON, DC—Some 20,000 members of the Association of American Middlemen marched on the National Mall Monday, demanding protection from such out-cutting shopping options as online purchasing, factory-direct catalogs, and outlet malls. "Each year in this country, thousands of hard-working middlemen are cut out," said Pete Hume, a Euclid, OH, waterbed retailer. "No one seems to care that our livelihood is being taken away from us." Hume said the AAM is eager to work with legislators to find alternate means of passing the savings on to you.

Sympathy Card Signed By Assistant #~# KANSAS CITY, MO—A sympathy card from Walters Realty president Bob Merritt to the wife of recently deceased realtor Jim Nolfo was chosen, signed, and mailed by Merritt's personal assistant Monday. "Please know that you are in my thoughts during this difficult time," the assistant wrote on Merritt's behalf. Merritt, who did not see the card at any time during the three hours it spent in the Walters Realty office, did not add, "Let me know if I can help in any way."

Area Man Thinking About Getting One Of Those All-Body Scans #~# AUGUSTA, GA—Impressed by the technology, Dan Cirillo is thinking about getting an all-body imaging scan, the 45-year-old Augusta man revealed Monday. "Wow, that looks pretty cool," said Cirillo, who saw the device on CBS' 48 Hours. "I'd love to get one of those." Cirillo then wondered aloud whether he could get a scan and a similarly cool watertank-immersion body-fat measurement on the same day.

You Must Romance The Music Out Of The Tambourine #~# My lord, what are you doing? Your crude handling of that beautiful instrument borders on the obscene! You cannot carelessly strike a tambourine and expect it to sing its beautiful song. You must coax it out of her. You must romance the music out of the tambourine.

CEO Resignations #~# Tyco CEO Dennis Kozlowski is the latest in a string of corporate chiefs to step down amid scandal allegations.

What The Hell Is Wrong With Movies These Days? #~# Hola, amigos. I know it's been a while since I rapped at ya, but I've had a mountain of problems piled up to my chin. First off, my car is all fucked up. I don't even know why. All I know is, it usually quits running after about 20 minutes, and I have to let it cool down for at least an hour before I can get it going again. That thing is a baby, and not in the good way. You know, not like, "That's my baby," but more like, "Quit your crying, ya fuckin' baby!"

Gore Begins Training For 2004 Election In Remote Mountain Cabin #~# MCCALL, ID—Determined to rebound from his 2000 election defeat, Al Gore has sequestered himself in a remote mountain cabin to train for his 2004 rematch with George W. Bush. "Gotta get in shape," said Gore, running up a hill with a log strapped to his back. "Gonna beat him this time." Gore, who is almost back down to his campaigning weight of 245, then worked on his debate reflexes by chasing chickens around a pen.

The 'Dirty Bomb' Threat #~# U.S. citizen Jose Padilla was arrested May 8 in a plot to detonate a "dirty bomb" spewing low-level radiation. What do you think about this latest terror threat?

Youth Pastor Forced To Break Out 'Hell Is Not Disneyland' Speech #~# EVANSVILLE, IN—A mere eight days into United Methodist Church's summer Bible school, youth pastor John Dearden, 49, was forced to break out his trademark "Hell Is Not Disneyland" speech Monday, outlining the differences between eternal damnation and the popular Anaheim, CA, theme park.

Lackluster Marriage Enlivened By Cancer Scare #~# SWANDER, OH—George and Maureen McKay's stagnant, passionless 36-year marriage was briefly enlivened recently by Maureen's late-May cancer scare.

Name Of Gay Bar Should Have Been Clearer #~# CHICAGO—After accidentally walking into a gay bar Monday, Jeff Pierce, 23, said the name of the establishment failed to clearly telegraph its orientation. "I can see how Rods sounds gay," Pierce said, "but it's just not as crystal-clear as it could be." Pierce urged the bar's owner to consider changing the name, suggesting The Manhole or Big Throbbing Homo Cocks.

Getting Mom Onto Internet A Sisyphean Ordeal #~# ROCHESTER, MN—Karen Widmar, 33, who for the past two months has been trying to teach her 60-year-old mother how to use the Internet, called the endeavor "a Sisyphean ordeal" Monday.

Best Years Of Area Man's Life Apparently Never Going To Happen #~# MINOT, ND—The best years in the life of Frederick Videk—veteran, husband, and father of five—are never going to happen, the 51-year-old broken man realized Monday.

Ted Nugent Talks That Way Even When Buying Socks #~# SAGINAW, MI—According to JC Penney men's-department sources, rocker Ted Nugent talks that way even when buying socks. "What color socks do I want? I want every damn color, plus a whole bunch of colors that don't even exist," Nugent told sales associate Jonathan Alexander. "Life is too short, man. Whether it's socks or shoes or whatever, you gotta bite into life like it's a great big ol' hunk of bison. Otherwise, you wake up and suddenly—poof—you're fat and old, and you never had any friggin' fun. And if you're not having fun, you may as well move to Iraq or Cuba or some other hellhole where there ain't no good times to be had." Nugent added that that's the way he sees it, and that if you don't like it, you can kiss his lily-white ass.

Line Cook Learns Leaving Restaurant Industry Not That Easy #~# SAN MARCOS, TX—Eric Weaver, a recently hired line cook at Cactus Jack's, is finding it extremely difficult to extricate himself from the restaurant industry, the 24-year-old aspiring musician said Monday. "Just when I think I've made a clean break, they pull me back in," said Weaver, who in April vowed never to work another restaurant position after quitting his dishwashing job at a local Denny's. "When the manager said, 'Welcome to the Cactus Jack's family,' it gave me icy chills."

Fixin's Added To Food Pyramid #~# WASHINGTON, DC—Updating the dietary guide to reflect current U.S. eating habits, the Department of Agriculture announced Monday that it has added a "fixin's" food group to the USDA Food Pyramid. "We recommend five to eight daily servings from the fixin's group, which includes such hearty sides as cole slaw, mashed potatoes, steak fries, baked beans, and mac 'n' cheese," Agriculture Secretary Ann Veneman said. "So go ahead and treat yourself to all the fixin's you want. They're not only free, they're recommended." Also falling within the fixin's group, Veneman said, are burger toppings, including fried onions, cheese sauce, and bacon-smothered mushrooms.

Guns Are Only Deadly If Used For Their Intended Purpose #~# As the president of Brothers In Arms U.S.A., the nation's third-largest gun-rights organization, I've heard all the arguments made by the anti-gun propagandists. And of the many misguided aspects of their anti-gun rhetoric, the most off-base is this bizarre notion that guns are inherently deadly. Nothing could be further from the truth. The reality is, guns are only deadly when used for their intended purpose.

The Bomb-Detection Machine #~# By Dec. 31, all U.S. airports will feature massive new baggage scanners. Among the devices's features:

Colonoscopy Offers Non-Fantastic Voyage Through Human Body #~# DOVER, DE—A routine colonoscopy at the Dover Family Clinic in no way evoked the Isaac Asimov novel Fantastic Voyage or its 1966 film adaptation, patient Ed Garrity reported Monday. "Man, this really isn't anything like the movie," said Garrity, 54, watching the interior of his large intestine on a video monitor. "This voyage is decidedly non-fantastic." Garrity was then instructed to roll over on his side by nurse Marge Klogert, who bears no resemblance to Raquel Welch.

Canadian Immigration Under Fire #~# Canada's relatively lax immigration policy has drawn criticism from U.S. leaders, who say the country provides an easy home base for terrorists. What do you think?

I Should Start Some Sort Of Huge Corporation #~# Oh, man, I have been seriously short of funds lately. Working security at Rite Aid for $6.55 an hour is just not cutting it the way it used to. But I'm not worried, because last night, as I was standing there staring at the rows of shampoo bottles and disposable razors, the answer hit me: I should start some sort of huge corporation!

Thousands Of High-School Sweethearts Prepare For Post-Graduation Breakup #~# WASHINGTON, DC—In a time-honored annual ritual, thousands of high-school seniors across the nation are cramming for final exams, trying on their graduation gowns, and preparing to break up with their longtime sweethearts.

Kline Not Sure He Fits In At Oppendahl, Oppendahl, Kline & Oppendahl #~# NEW YORK—Despite having been a partner at the prestigious Manhattan law firm since 1984, Martin Kline is still not sure he fits in at Oppendahl, Oppendahl, Kline & Oppendahl LLP. "I don't know," the 53-year-old corporate-finance specialist said Monday. "I mean, sure, Bill, Larry, and Dan [Oppendahl] treat me like one of their own. But for some reason, I just somehow feel different. No matter how many contracts I draw up or hours I bill, I still don't quite feel like I belong."

Body Of Missing Mad Magazine Reporter Found In Blecchistan #~# POTRZEBIE, BLECCHISTAN—Questions regarding the fate of Mad magazine reporter Phil Fonebone, kidnapped at the hands of Blecchistani extremists three months ago, were answered Monday with the discovery of his body at an undisclosed location near Potrzebie.

National Science Foundation: Science Hard #~# INDIANAPOLIS—The National Science Foundation's annual symposium concluded Monday, with the 1,500 scientists in attendance reaching the consensus that science is hard.

Area Woman Slams Down Phone, Waits For It To Ring #~# STARKVILLE, MS— Following a heated conversation with boyfriend Chris Lea, area resident Michelle Aston, 22, violently slammed down her phone receiver and immediately began waiting for Lea to call back. "He'll call," Aston said. "He's too smart not to." Aston waited six minutes and eleven seconds before heading to the back porch to smoke a cigarette.

Hypnotist Looking For Gimmick To Set Him Apart From Other Hypnotists #~# CHICAGO— Hypnotist Ed "Dr. Mysterioso" Allen is seeking a gimmick to set him apart from the hundreds of other hypnotists on the nightclub circuit. "I don't know, there's already a bunch of singing hypnotists and a ventriloquist hypnotist," said Allen, leafing through ads in the back pages of Getting Sleepy, a hypnotism trade magazine. "Maybe I could be the juggling hypnotist. Or wear some sort of funny hat. I just don't want to be lost in the crowd."

New Ad Preys On People With 'Ideas' #~# LOS ANGELES— A new ad appearing in dozens of magazines and newspapers shamelessly preys on people with "ideas." "Turn your idea into $$$!" read the 1/16th-page ad, which ran this week in the classifieds section of Parade and Rolling Stone. "Learn how top inventors get their ideas off the page and into the marketplace!" It remains to be seen how the nation's idea-having demographic will respond to the unnamed advertiser's attempt to charge a fee per idea submission, successful or not.

Drought-Ravaged NYC Institutes Alternate-Side-Of-Street Firefighting #~# NEW YORK— Suffering from months of drought, New York City instituted alternate-side-of-the-street firefighting Monday. "On odd-numbered days, even-numbered buildings are not permitted to catch fire," Mayor Michael Bloomberg said at a press conference. "For those who fail to comply, we will not be able to put out your fire until the following morning. Your kind cooperation will help conserve water resources throughout the New York area."

Jackie Chan's Ancestors Shamed By Blooper Reel #~# HONG KONG— The shades of the ancestors of action hero Jackie Chan were posthumously disgraced upon seeing a "blooper reel" at the end of Rush Hour 2. "I die a thousand deaths when my dishonorable progeny fails to remember his line," said the ghost of Chan Kim-Yiang, who died fighting against the British occupation of Hong Kong in 1840. "To see him flip off a restaurant table, only to land wrong and bonk his head, brings dishonor to all the Chans who have passed from this world into the realm of wind and ghosts."

The India-Pakistan Conflict #~# Tensions continue to rise between India and Pakistan, with the nuclear rivals threatening to go to war over the disputed Kashmir region. What do you think?

Career Separates #~# When Roz, my Fashion Bug supervisor, called the entire staff together for a special meeting, I swore that this time, I'd come prepared. Whenever we have a meeting, Ellen, the girl who got the assistant-manager position instead of me just because she's Roz's friend, brings a treat like crumb cake or donuts. Everybody always makes such a big fuss about it, like she made this big effort. (Her baked goods are homemade, all right… in Mrs. Entenmann's home!)

The FBI Overhaul #~# Under fire form pre-Sept. 11 intelligence breakdowns, the FBI inveiled a sweeping reform plan last week.

Klan Rally 70 Percent Undercover Reporters #~# SPARTANBURG, SC—Vowing to "defend white Christian America against its mongrel assailants," some 20 members of the Knights of the Ku Klux Klan and more than 45 investigative reporters posing as members rallied on the steps of Spartanburg's city hall Saturday.

General Mills' Star Wars: Episode II Cereal Gets It All Wrong #~# Talk about disappointing.

Life Jackets Issued To All Americans For Some Reason #~# WASHINGTON, DC—Assuring the nation that "there is no need for alarm," the Office of Homeland Security issued all U.S. citizens life jackets for some unexplained reason Monday.

Affair Broken Up By Other Affair #~# ODESSA, TX—An extramarital affair between local claims adjuster Ken Hubrin and cocktail waitress Teri Belasco came to an abrupt end Monday when Hubrin informed his mistress that he had been cheating on her with coffee-shop manager Amanda Strauss.

White Person Waved Past Beeping Walgreens Security Barrier #~# CHICAGO— Caucasian shopper Bryce Glynn, 34, was waved through a beeping Walgreens security barrier Tuesday after the store's alarm system was activated by a CD purchased at a nearby Sam Goody. "Go ahead," said cashier Maria Ordonez with a casual waving motion. "You're fine." As Glynn volunteered to open his shopping bag to show its contents, the security guard at the store's entrance declined the offer, insisting that he exit unchecked.

Gym Teacher Secretly Hates Nerds #~# SIOUX FALLS, SD—In spite of a professional obligation to treat all P.E. students equally, Thorpe High School gym teacher Brad Malanga, 37, secretly hates the unathletic nerds whose forebears he bullied and ridiculed back in his own school days.

Sanrio Introduces New Divorced Character #~# TOKYO—Sanrio Company, Ltd., the Japan-based creators of "Hello Kitty," unveiled the latest addition to their cartoon universe Monday, a divorced dolphin named Batsu-Ichi.

Ex-Girlfriend Flashback Leaves Man Paralyzed In Produce Aisle #~# MITCHELL, SD— Alex Borland, 26, was paralyzed by a ginger-root-triggered ex-girlfriend flashback in the produce aisle of his local supermarket Monday. "Excuse me, sir… Excuse me," a fellow shopper told Borland, who was lost in memories of the day last December when he and then-girlfriend Jill Weston bought ginger root for an Oriental salad they later prepared at Weston's apartment. "I'm trying to get to the kiwis. Would you please move? Hello?"

Panhandler Demands Explanation For Failure To Provide Quarter #~# ATLANTA— Local panhandler John "Jolly Jack" Sabourin angrily insisted that pedestrian Bruce DiCostanzo explain his failure to spare 25 cents Monday. "Why not?" an indignant Sabourin asked after being turned down. "Why you don't gimme no quarter?" After explaining that he had no change on him and that he was sorry, DiCostanzo walked two blocks before realizing he'd just apologized for not handing free money to a complete stranger.

World's Last Bob Hope Fan Dies Of Old Age #~# JEFFERSON CITY, MO— Vic Wilmot, 97, the world's last Bob Hope fan, died in his sleep Monday, finally rendering the long-endangered species extinct. "He was always going on about some guy called Bob Hope," said great-grandson Clint, 22. "I'm not sure, but it sounded like he was some sort of actor." In the past 12 months, more than a dozen species of fandom have become extinct, including the Katharine Hepburn Fan, the Mickey Rooney Fan, and the Red Buttons Fan.

Man As Surprised As Anyone That He Knows All The Members Of 'N Sync #~# ORDWAY, CO— Craig Bulone is "as surprised as anyone" that he can name all the members of 'N Sync, the 31-year-old reported Monday. "There's Justin, that's Lance… J.C., Joey… and I'm pretty sure that last one is Chris," said Bulone, watching an 'N Sync video on MTV with roommate Todd Campa. "Jesus Christ. Did I just name all five members of 'N Sync?" Bulone remains unaware that he knows all the words to Chad Kroeger's "Hero."

Orphanage Director Pushing Asian Orphans #~# AMES, IA— Plagued with a surplus, St. Joseph Orphanage director Ann Rath has been pushing Asian orphans to prospective adoptive parents. "This is Mi Ling—isn't she pretty?" said Rath, introducing Bonnie and Paul Fisher to one of the 40-bed orphanage's 27 Asian children. "Or, if you'd prefer a boy, we have Tan Dinh. He's crazy about baseball." The Fishers, who were hoping for a Russian girl, told Rath they would "think it over"—the fifth time a couple has done so in the past week.

Charging Obese Flyers Double #~# Southwest Airlines recently announced plans to strictly enforce a policy that asks passengers too large for its seats to purchase an extra fare. What do you think?

U.S. Takes Out Debt-Consolidation Loan #~# WASHINGTON, DC—Plagued by late fees, high interest rates, and harassing creditors, the U.S. took out a debt-consolidation loan Monday, combining the nation's $6.1 trillion debt into a single, easy monthly payment.

The Snakehead Menace #~# Native to Asia, the land-walking snakehead fish has spread to seven U.S. states, posing a potentially major environmental threat. What is known about the fish?

Zing! I Just Got You With Another One Of My Trademark 'Complete Lies' #~# Gotcha!

It's Good, Hutchins, But Is It Delta In-Flight Magazine Good? #~# I won't mince words with you, Hutchins. Your "St. Louis: Red, White & Blues!" article is good. Damn good. I'm reminded of a young me so many years ago, pecking out an inspired look at Scotland's 10 best golf courses. Yes, I know your article would more than pass muster at most magazines. But this isn't most magazines. This is Delta Sky, the best in-flight magazine there is. So the question remains: Your article is good, but is it Delta Sky good?

Cocktail Party Gets As Wild As It's Going To Get #~# PROVIDENCE, RI— A cocktail party at the home of art curator Martin Conroy was already as wild as it was going to get by 8 p.m. Monday. "Oh, my goodness, look at Ted," said Marisa Pulsipher, spotting fellow partygoer Ted Kannell doing his impersonation of Boston Symphony conductor Seiji Ozawa. "He is just irrepressible." The party almost got wilder when Conroy pondered breaking out a bottle of Loch Morar 30-year-old single-malt scotch, but he ultimately decided not to.

Substance-Abusing Star's Publicist Has Been To Hell And Back #~# MALIBU, CA—Sara Baumann, who for seven nightmarish years was trapped in the powerful grip of client Matthew Perry's drug and alcohol dependency, has "come out the other side, stronger than ever," the 33-year-old publicist said Monday.

Grad Student Deconstructs Take-Out Menu #~# CAMBRIDGE, MA—Jon Rosenblatt, 27, a Harvard University English graduate student specializing in modern and postmodern critical theory, deconstructed the take-out menu of a local Mexican restaurant "out of sheer force of habit" Monday.

Husband Chooses Car Based On Lowest Passenger-Side Impact Rating #~# LINCOLN, NE— Husband Bruce Menden purchased a Geo Metro Tuesday, selecting the car on the basis of its rock-bottom passenger-side impact rating in Consumer Reports. "This car's price isn't inflated by sturdy, impact-resistant steel, is it?" Menden asked the salesman. "Safety's important, but I don't want to blow a fortune on luxuries." Menden, who always drives during outings with wife Cheryl, also passed on the optional passenger-side airbag.