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Motivational Tape Gets Man Excited For 20 Minutes #~# SALINA, KS— The motivational cassette "Start That Motor!" got laid-off sales rep Bruce Smales, 39, excited about his life's possibilities for 20 minutes Monday. "The guy on the tape talked about all kinds of things, like 'making your luck' and stuff," Smales said. "It sounded great, and I went right off to make my 'Life List.'" Upon finding his pen out of ink, Smales retired to the couch, where he watched a Hunter marathon on TBS

Celebrity Disappointed After Meeting Fan #~# LOS ANGELES— Denzel Washington, who on Monday finally met longtime fan Brenda Haines, found the encounter anticlimactic, the Oscar-winning actor said. "I don't know, from her fan mail I always thought she'd be more exciting, I guess," Washington said following his awkward four-minute conversation with the 47-year-old Pomona waitress and mother of three. "And I'd always imagined she was taller."

Man Trying To Remember How That Music They Used To Play Before HBO Movies Went #~# ALBANY, NY— Local resident Clint Fuster, 33, struggled to remember the old "HBO Feature Presentation" theme music from the '80s Monday. "They had that thing where the camera zoomed through a city street and up into the sky," Fuster said. "Then it went something like, 'Na-na-NAAA, na na-NAAA.' But I also remember a part that went, like, 'NA-na-na, NA-na-na.' It was really cool—almost as cool as the credits for USA Night Flight."

More Police Brutality In L.A. #~# The Inglewood police officer seen on a videotape violently arresting a handcuffed black teenager has pleaded innocent to an assault charge.What do you think?

The Corporate-Fraud Bill #~# Responding to the recent rash of business-world corruption, the House passed a corporate-fraud bill last week.

Alcohol-Themed Bar Opens #~# HOUSTON— Fans of alcoholic beverages were excited by the opening of J.T. O'Drinky's, a new booze-themed bar. "Lots of people love alcohol, so we figured that a bar centered on that concept was a natural," said Jim Reichel, owner and creator of the bar. "Patrons can enjoy a 'Gin and Tonic,' and other whimsically named drinks, as well as enjoy our decor, which includes posters and neon signs celebrating various beers and liquors."

Nation To Be Tested For Scoliosis Friday #~# WASHINGTON, DC—In a mandatory, nationwide health initiative many Americans are dreading, all U.S. citizens will be tested for scoliosis Friday.

Bush Begins Hunger Strike To Protest Human-Rights Abuses In Nepal #~# WASHINGTON, DC—Against strenuous objections from his advisors, President Bush began a hunger strike Monday to protest human-rights abuses in Nepal, vowing to subsist solely on water and vitamin supplements until "the twin clouds of violence and oppression are lifted from the land."

Jacko Is On The Attacko! #~# Item! Jacko has gone wacko, going on the attacko against Sony for discriminating against artists who are blacko!

This Promotional Pen Works So Great, Imagine How Well The Drug Must Work #~# Somebody just sent a box of Prilosec promotional pens to our clinic and, boy, am I impressed. It's got a big, comfortable barrel and comes in an attractive purple. And it writes smooth as can be. No globbing or streaking; just a nice, clean, blue ballpoint line. It's also got some really cool writing along the side: "Prilosec® (Omeprazole) 20-MG capsules." Prilosec, huh? This Prilosec pen is so great, I'll bet anything the drug is great, too.

Family Upgrades To Shells & Cheese #~# MOBILE, AL— After years of eating regular Kraft Macaroni & Cheese, the Conroy family upgraded Monday to the higher-end Velveeta Shells & Cheese. "We've finally arrived," said wife Beverly Conroy while serving up a heaping bowl of the delicacy, made possible by husband Corey's 35-cent raise at the local tile factory. "It's nothing but the finest processed instant foods for us from now on." Pending sensible budgeting, the family hopes to move up from Hydrox cookies to Oreos by August.

Dad Keeps Dropping Hints About Mom's Sexual Proclivities #~# PHOENIX, AZ—Rodney Granger, 46, a Phoenix-area father of three, drops frequent hints about his wife Sandy's sexual proclivities, his creeped-out children announced Monday.

Cheney Caught Moonlighting #~# WASHINGTON, DC—The longtime suspicions of White House supervisors were confirmed Monday, when Vice-President Dick Cheney was caught moonlighting at a D.C.-area Denny's restaurant.

Sherwin-Williams Triumphantly Reports Nearly Half The Planet Covered In Paint #~# CLEVELAND— Sherwin-Williams officials announced Monday that the company is nearing the midpoint of its 112-year project to cover the Earth in a coat of bright red paint. "We're proud to announce that the entire Northern Hemisphere should be slathered 10 feet deep in candy-apple red Latex Semi-Gloss by year's end," Sherwin-Williams CEO Christopher Connor said. "And we are fully confident that the rest of the globe can be completed well before the giant space bucket runs out of paint." For the more difficult second-phase painting of the Earth's underside, workmen equipped with spray hoses will be suspended by cables from the equator.

Winning Dad Forces Tired Child To Finish Monopoly Game #~# DOWNERS GROVE, IL— With hotels on Boardwalk and Park Place, Ted Cleamons, 36, forced his exhausted 8-year-old son Andy to stay up late Monday to finish their Monopoly game. "Come on, kiddo, it shouldn't be too much longer," Ted told a bleary-eyed Andy at 11:15 p.m., just past the game's three-hour mark. "Go again, you rolled doubles."

Missing White Girl Drives Missing Black Girl From Headlines #~# CORVALLIS, OR— Becky Van Gelder, an 11-year-old white girl from Corvallis, was abducted from her home Monday, bumping 10-year-old Chicago black girl Tyesha Washington from the nation's newspaper headlines. "When a child is harmed, we all lose a small piece of our collective innocence," said USA Today managing editor Donna McCutcheon, who moved the Washington abduction to page 23A to make room for Van Gelder on the cover. "Especially when it's a young blonde girl like Becky."

Israeli Bus Driver Wants Really Big Raise #~# TEL AVIV, ISRAEL— His nerves shot, Tel Aviv bus driver Yehuda Ben-Zvi said Monday that he wants a "really big" raise. "I'm sorry, but 20 lousy sheqels an hour to drive a bus in this country just doesn't cut it," said Ben-Zvi, 44, nervously scanning each person boarding his bus. "If they don't up me to at least 100 [sheqels] an hour, I'm outta here." Added Ben-Zvi: "Shit, it's not like I've got some deep commitment to providing public transportation. People can walk."

Executing The Mentally Retarded #~# The Supreme Court recently ruled that executing mentally retarded criminals is "cruel and unusual punishment," violating the Eighth Amendment. What do you think?

The Rolling Stone Makeover #~# Seeking to lure a young readership, Rolling Stone is undergoing a major editorial overhaul.

Ask Popular Mechanics, March 1947 #~# My father, who hasn't been the same since Mom died nine years ago, has finally found the courage to remarry. His new wife is a very nice person, and she certainly makes him very happy. But she insists that I call her "Mother," and she sometimes acts like she raised me. Needless to say, I resent this, but I don't want to upset my dad. How do I handle this sticky situation?

Hi, I'm Just Calling To Follow Up On That Make-Out Session We Had Last Week #~# Hello, is this Megan? Hi, Megan, it's Patrick Hewitt from Brian's birthday party. Just calling to follow up on that make-out session we had last week. Do you have a minute? Great.

Outdoor-Music-Festival Grounds Mistaken For Refugee Camp #~# FAIRVIEW, MO—The camping and concert grounds for Countryfest 2002, a week-long festival attended by more than 120,000 music fans, was mistaken for a refugee camp by passing Red Cross workers Tuesday.

Anti-Spam Legislation Opposed By Powerful Penis-Enlargement Lobby #~# WASHINGTON, DC—Efforts to pass legislation restricting Internet "spam"—unsolicited mass e-mails usually for advertising purposes—are meeting with strong resistance from the nation's powerful penis-enlargement lobby.

Horrible Band Obviously Not Listening To Its Influences #~# SAN DIEGO— Puddle Of Mudd, a dreary nü-metal rock band that cites Led Zeppelin, Black Sabbath, and Metallica as influences, is obviously not listening to those influences. "Zep, Sabbath, Metallica, Maiden, Aerosmith—growing up, that's what we listened to, and that's what shaped our sound," said lead singer Wes Scantlin, whose mopey, monotone vocals in no way bear the stamp of Robert Plant, Steven Tyler, or his other idols. Scantlin, who made the comments during an interview Monday with Spin reporter Charles Aaron, failed to say which part of Puddle Of Mudd's atrocious new ballad "Drift & Die" resembles "When The Levee Breaks" or "Sweet Emotion."

Stoner Uncle All The Kids' Favorite #~# AUSTIN, TX—Stoner Mike "Gonzo" Dornheim, 37, a freelance carpenter and part-time drummer, is the favorite uncle of his six nephews and nieces, family sources revealed Monday.

Girl In Park Acts Like It's No Big Deal She's Wearing Bikini #~# TOLEDO, OH—Angela Liss, 21, made like it was no big deal that she was wearing a bikini in the park Monday. "She's all, 'Doo-dee-doo, I'm just hanging out here at the park,' like nothing's unusual," said Josh Arvada, moments after the curvaceous blonde asked him for the time. "Does she have any idea how fundamentally it alters the conversational dynamic when a woman is dressed like that?" Liss then casually applied lotion to her shoulders and legs, as if that wasn't a big deal, either.

Finger-Quotes Lady Now Doing Hand Parentheses #~# LINCOLN, NE—Finger-quotes lady Ann Hahn, 41, has added hand parentheses to her hand-punctuation repertoire, sources reported Monday. "I ran into Ann in the breakroom, and she told me Mindy Lewis wasn't at work last Friday because she was sick," coworker Edward Felk said. "Then she cups her hands and adds, 'from drinking too much.' Who does that?" Added Felk: "What's next, thumb commas?"

3-Year-Old Terrified By Sizzling Fajita Platter #~# BRADENTON, FL—Hannah Robles, 3, shrieked in terror Monday when a Bennigan's waitress brought her father a plate of audibly hot Super Sizzlin' Fajitas. "Those fajitas really startled Hannah," said Evan Robles, 35. "I'm not sure if it was the sound of the fried onions angrily crackling in their 500-degree juices or the heat-distortion waves rising off the cast-iron skillet plate, but she just freaked."

Movie Works Out Exactly As Audience Hoped #~# ALTOONA, PA—Moviegoers at Clearview Cinema's 9:30 p.m. showing of My Big Fat Greek Wedding expressed delight Saturday, when the romantic comedy worked out exactly as they had hoped. "It was heartwarming enough to see the two young lovers get married after all they'd been through," said Janet Garlin, exiting the multiplex. "But to see the bride reconcile her feelings toward her crazy family? That was like a special bonus." Garlin said she hadn't been this satisfied by a movie's ending since the last movie she saw.

When I Have Kids I'm Not Going To Drown Them #~# That is just horrifying. Absolutely disgraceful. I can hardly believe some of the sick things I see on the evening news these days. Well, I'll tell you one thing: When I have kids, I'm not going to drown them.

Heimlich Demands Maneuver Royalties #~# CINCINNATI—Lawyers for Dr. Henry Heimlich, inventor of the Heimlich maneuver, warned Monday that the doctor will sue anyone who performs his patented procedure without paying royalties. "The Heimlich maneuver is a registered trademark of my client," attorney Steve Greene said. "We are prepared to protect Mr. Heimlich's proprietary rights, even if it means filing a legal injunction against any non-royalty-paying choking victims."

Me Crush Middle-Class Tax Hike #~# Raaaah! Gronk hate H.R. 3712, the Income And Property Tax Reassessment Act! Senator Gronk crush middle-class tax hike!

Price Of Penis-Shaped Swimming Pool Negotiated #~# LAKE TAHOE, NV—The price of a customized penis-shaped swimming pool was negotiated down Monday, when purchaser Rocky Morgan persuaded contractor Lou Visconti to agree to a $12,000 reduction in price.

Invading Iraq #~# Determined to oust Saddam Hussein, President Bush has been attempting to rally support for an invasion of Iraq. What do you think?

The Baseball Strike #~# The Major League Baseball players union has set a strike deadline of Aug. 30. What are the players' demands?

Search For Public Restroom An Epic Ordeal Of Alienation, Humiliation, Human Cruelty #~# AMES, IA—A local resident's search for a public bathroom became an epic odyssey of alienation, humiliation, and human cruelty Monday.

DVD Tries To Pass Off 'Language Options,' 'Scene Selection' As Special Features #~# PLANO, TX—The recently released Joe Somebody DVD attempts to pass off "language options" and "scene selection" as special features, an unhappy buyer reported Monday. "What the hell?" said Plano, TX, resident Bill Vinson, who was hoping for never-before-seen outtakes or director's commentary. "While they're at it, why don't they boast that it features 'complete credits' and a special 'pause option'? Christ."

60 Percent Of Local Man's Workday Spent On Sports Fandom #~# ST. LOUIS—Area resident Denny Wetzel, 29, dedicates 60 percent of his workday to the pursuit of sports fandom, sources reported Monday.

Exiled American King Triumphantly Returns To Washington #~# WASHINGTON, DC—After nearly three decades in exile, King William IV returned to the U.S. to reclaim his throne Monday.

Former Senator Still Hanging Around Capitol #~# WASHINGTON, DC—Former Virginia senator Charles Robb, ousted from Congress in the 2000 elections by Republican challenger George Allen, continues to hang around the Capitol building nearly two years later, sources reported Monday.

Woman Thinks She Would Make A Great Talk-Show Host #~# CREVE COEUR, MO—Suzanne Bergtraum believes she would make an excellent host of a daytime-TV talk show, the 42-year-old podiatry-office receptionist disclosed Tuesday. "I'm sympathetic and an excellent listener, but I'm also not afraid to set somebody straight with a swift kick in the pants when it's called for," Bergtraum told coworker Alice Lehmann. "Plus, I'm totally high-energy and live to crack people up. Just ask any of my girlfriends." Bergtraum, whose show would be called Suzanne, said she "just [has] a way with people."

29-Year-Old Has Blast Writing His Will #~# GALVESTON, TX—Area resident Brian Whitford had "the best friggin' time" writing his will, the 29-year-old disclosed Monday. "That was so awesome, dividing up my DVDs and shit," said Whitford upon completion of the bequest portion. "I even got to give [former college roommate Steve] Krollner a big 'fuck you' by leaving him nothing but that one Phish CD I used to play all the time that he hated." Whitford, who left most of his possessions to members of his family, bequeathed girlfriend Cindy Meijer his prized collection of vintage 1977 McDonaldland glasses.

Lazy FDA Approves X-Ray Vision Pills #~# WASHINGTON, DC—Citing the hot weather and a desire to go home for the day, FDA officials approved American Products Limited's "X-Ray Vision Pills" for commercial sale in the U.S. Monday. "After evaluating this and regulating that for months, we were really dying to cut out early, so we were all just like, 'Fuck it. Let's just approve this,'" FDA deputy commissioner Lester Crawford said. "Besides, nobody could think of a real good reason why X-ray-vision pills would be unsafe."

Two New Burger King Sandwiches Negate Each Other #~# MIAMI—In a gala ceremony at its Miami headquarters, the Burger King Corporation rolled out two new sandwiches that conceptually negate each other. "The new Veggie Burger, with just seven grams of fat, is a refreshing, heart-smart alternative to the usual fast-food junk," Burger King vice-president Robert Fass said. "And brace yourselves, meat lovers: The new BK Hickory Bacon Triple Stack—three juicy, big-beef patties topped with crispy bacon and slathered in a rich, smoked-cheddar sauce—is gonna blow you away." Burger theoreticians posit that the sandwiches could destroy each other if sold in a single order.

History Teacher Has Unusual Favorite President #~# GROVEDALE, MN—Paul Loftus, an 11th-grade history teacher at Grovedale High School, proudly touts his unconventional choice for favorite U.S. president, Calvin Coolidge. "People fail to appreciate how Coolidge essentially rebuilt the presidency after the Harding scandals," said Loftus, who enjoys announcing and discussing his surprise pick whenever possible. "He was also a great diplomat who did much to foster world peace, all despite the tragic death of his son in his first term." Loftus went on to counter the widely held misconception that Coolidge, sometimes known as "Silent Cal," was a serious, humorless man.

Arafat's $1.3 Billion #~# PLO leader Yasser Arafat has amassed a personal fortune of $1.3 billion—much of it allegedly coming from international aid intended for his people. What do you think?

Dad Defends Purchase Of Bargain-Brand Cereal #~# GOSHEN, IN—Calling his actions "sensible" and "how it's going to be from now on," Glen Showalter, a Goshen-area father of three, defended his unpopular decision to purchase bargain-brand breakfast cereals Monday.

Celebrity Clothing Lines #~# From Jennifer Lopez to Delta Burke to 'N Sync's Chris Kirkpatrick, many celebrities are releasing their own signature clothing lines.

Wine-Appreciation Tips #~# Wine appreciation is a true art form. Here are some tips to help you become an aficionado.

Gay Man, Unattractive Woman Form Tight Bond #~# GULFPORT, MS—Heavy-set, frumpily dressed Debbie Ayler and openly gay Curtis Gwinn are the best of friends, the pair reported Monday.

Let Smoove Take You Away #~# Girl, I know what you want. In addition, as your man, I know what you need.

And Now, The Matter Of Whether To Pre-Approve Douglas C. Schwoegler For a Visa Gold Card #~# So we're unanimous on the merger with Chase Manhattan? Excellent. I think we all agree that this merger will benefit both companies tremendously. Nelson, get started on the paperwork for that immediately. I want it on my desk by Friday.

God Promises 'Big Surprises' In Store For Hurricane Season #~# HOLLYWOOD, FL—The 2002 hurricane season will be packed with "big surprises, big windspeeds, and a big, big finish," God announced Monday at a press conference touting His fall schedule.

Fake-A-Wish Foundation Introduces Dying Child To Brett Favre Lookalike #~# SHIOCTON, WI—Corey Hoffman, a 7-year-old Green Bay Packers fanatic stricken with terminal leukemia, received the thrill of his short lifetime Tuesday, when he met Brett Favre lookalike Morris Aubrey. "You should have seen the way Corey's face lit up when he met the man he was convinced was his football idol," said Fake-A-Wish president Dean Pivarnik. "Moments like that are the whole reason we do this. Whether a child wants a phone call from a Michael Jackson soundalike or just wants to meet Milky Mouse before he dies, we are proud to make that dream come true."

The West Nile Virus #~# The deadly, mosquito-borne West Nile virus is spreading across the U.S. What are health officials doing to fight the outbreak?

Millionaire Vows To Do For Government What He Did For Turkey Ranches #~# VIDALIA, GA—Millionaire Georgia businessman Hoyt Mullins, Republican candidate for the U.S. Senate, told supporters at a campaign stop Monday that he can do for the government what he did for turkey ranches.

American Teen Somehow Developing Unhealthy Attitude Toward Sex #~# ST. LOUIS—Andrew Zollner, a teenage male born and raised in the U.S., has somehow developed an unhealthy attitude toward sex and human sexuality, sources close to the 16-year-old report.

Lie-Detector Tests For Congress #~# The FBI wants members of Congress to take lie-detector tests in an investigation of leaked information regarding the Sept. 11 attacks. What do you think?

Nation's Economic Recovery Hinging On Success Of Diet Vanilla Coke #~# WASHINGTON, DC—As the nation struggles through a recession, economy watchers are pinning their hopes for recovery on the soon-to-be-launched Diet Vanilla Coke. "Diet Vanilla Coke, to be introduced this fall, is our last, best chance at turning this thing around," Fed chief Alan Greenspan said. "We had hoped that Pepsi Blue or Dr. Pepper Red Fusion would stem the tide, but consumers have not responded in sufficient numbers." If Diet Vanilla Coke fails to jumpstart the economy, experts say the U.S. is doomed.

Sixth-Grader's Family Tree Fails To Hold Up To Scrutiny #~# CALVERTON, MD—Sixth-grader Adam Jones' family tree, assigned recently as homework, fails to hold up to scrutiny, social-studies teacher Gwen Wexler reported Monday. "I'm a little skeptical of Adam's claim that he's descended from [movie star] Vin Diesel," Wexler said. "There's also something suspicious about his tracing his mother's lineage to Cal Ripken Jr." Wexler expressed further doubts about Jones' claim that he is related to actor James Earl Jones by way of "the Zimbabwe Joneses."

Woman With Shitty Job Her Own Boss #~# DEXTER, MI—Cynthia Rimler, self-employed for the past three months as a sales representative for RoyalAire Cosmetics, sets her own hours and answers to no one regarding her shitty job. "Nobody tells me what neighborhood to canvass or when," boasted Rimler, who earned $400 last month selling makeup door-to-door. "And if I decide I want a day off, hey, I'm the boss." Rimler added that she wouldn't be selling RoyalAire Cosmetics if the products weren't good enough for her own face.

Stereotypes Are A Real Time-Saver #~# I'm a busy guy. And, while I'd love to, I don't have the time to get to know every person I encounter in the course of my daily life. So thank goodness I have a handy little device at my disposal that helps me know how to deal with just about anyone I come across: stereotypes. Yes, stereotypes are a real time-saver!

Police Interruption Hastily Written Into Student Film #~# KNOXVILLE, TN—Hassled by police for not having a shooting permit, University of Tennessee sophomore Eric Draper, 19, hastily rewrote his student film Monday to incorporate the mid-scene interruption.

Pope Wins Host-Eating Contest #~# CONEY ISLAND, NY—Pope John Paul II won Monday's 14th Annual Coney Island Host-Eating Contest, as the Vicar of Christ ate 392 sanctified wafers in 12 minutes, edging out his nearest competition, Japanese trencherman Takeru Kobayashi. "His Holiness put on an incredible display of eating, devouring the equivalent of seven and a half full bodies of Christ," said contest organizer and head judge Bishop Thomas Daily. "In the last few seconds, bits of chewed-up wafer started coming out of his nose, but we allowed it because none hit the ground." Said third-place finisher Eric "Badlands" Booker: "Hey, that's why he's pope."

Magazine Announces Plans For Special 'Sex Issue' #~# NEW YORK—In an unprecedented move that has sent shockwaves through the magazine industry, Jane announced plans Monday to publish a special "Sex Issue."

Lou Dobbs Hosts Moneyline From Window Ledge #~# NEW YORK—Rattled by Wall Street's extreme volatility of late, CNN Moneyline anchor Lou Dobbs hosted the program from a windy ledge high above New York's financial district Tuesday.

Family Dog Barking At Evil #~# MEDFORD, OR—Spraggles, the Reid family's terrier, was barking at evil again Monday, his canine instincts detecting the presence of an unseen sinister force. "What on Earth is he carrying on about?" asked owner Ed Reid, watching Spraggles bark at a hall closet. "There's nothing in that closet but Grandma's old wedding gown and a hammer." Spraggles then headed to the backyard to bark at more evil, this time in the form of a newspaper page swirling in the wind.

Cash-Strapped Michael Jackson Forced To Sell Off Pet Giraffes As Meat #~# NEVERLAND VALLEY RANCH, CA—Nearly bankrupt due to Sony exploitation and under-promotion, Michael Jackson was forced to sell more than two dozen of his beloved pet giraffes to exotic-meat suppliers Monday. "I will greatly miss Patches and Princess and the other giraffes," Jackson said in a statement read by his lawyer. "But Tommy Mottola has cruelly left me with no choice but to pawn off some of my dearest friends in order to survive." Jackson's financial situation is reportedly so dire that he's also had to make do with a bargain-brand anal bleach.

Police Seek Poorly Drawn Man #~# DETROIT—Four days after the murder of liquor-store clerk Bernard Golub, police announced Tuesday that they are seeking a poorly drawn man in his 40s. "All units have been advised to be on the lookout for a 5-foot-9 Caucasian with dark hair and a lopsided face that looks all wrong in the jaw area," police chief Jerry Oliver said. Oliver added that the suspect has a scar across his forehead, or possibly just a mistake that wasn't fully erased.

Man Runs Out Of Questions To Ask 4-Year-Old #~# CAMDEN, SC—Two minutes into the interaction, David Linn ran out of questions to ask coworker Ron Marcone's 4-year-old son Luke. "I asked him his name, his age, if he has any brothers or sisters, if he's started school, his favorite food, what he wants to be when he grows up, and at least 20 things about the truck he was playing with," Linn said Monday. "After that, I just hit a wall." Linn added that he has newfound respect for Bill Cosby.

I'm Really Going To Miss This Task Force #~# As I look around this table, I see a group of people dedicated to improving the quality of school transportation in the North Rochester School District. More importantly, though, I see a group of people I will be very sorry to leave behind. I don't want to sound too gushy or sentimental, but I'm really going to miss this task force.

Home Sex Tape Watched Once #~# ATLANTA—A 17-minute home sex tape made by Dennis and Tami Gilby in early May has not been watched since its initial viewing. "I guess I thought it was something we'd watch every so often to get our juices flowing, but we haven't," Dennis said Monday. "Neither of us look too good, and we move around a lot less than I'd imagined. Plus, it was a single, wide shot of the bed, and the picture wasn't white-balanced very well." Dennis added that he thinks he may already have taped over the footage with some West Wing episodes.

Repressible Wit #~# If there's one thing I believe, it's that laughter is the best medicine. And your trusty Dr. Jean has been writing you a regular prescription for years. Goodness knows I'm no Whoopi Goldberg (who is?), but I like to think that I, too, have been blessed with the gift of seeing the lighter side of things. And I enjoy sharing my gift with the world right here in A Room Of Jean's Own.

The Fast-Food Lawsuit #~# On July 24, a lawsuit was filed against the fast-food industry for causing obesity and other health problems.

Everyone In Family Claims To Be The Black Sheep #~# STOCKTON, CA—Citing numerous examples of ostracization and failure to fit in, all of Paul and Martha Klessig’s three children see themselves as the black sheep of the family.

Catholic Teens Still Coming Down After Excitement Of World Youth Day #~# TORONTO—More than a week after the historic gathering, Catholic teens are still coming down from the excitement of World Youth Day, held July 28 in Toronto. "That was so totally rad, celebrating the Lord with the Pope and 800,000 of my fellow young Christians," said Missy Allen of Stillwater, OK. "It was just like Woodstock, only with more Christ and none of the sinful sex and drugs and rock music."

Trip To Native American Museum Turns Into Cigarette-Buying Spree #~# WABENO, WI—A visit to a Native American museum deteriorated into a cigarette-buying spree Sunday, when Milwaukee couple Tracie Hagen and Adam Bersold were lured away from the Potawatomi Historical Center by the chance to buy tax-free cigarettes at a nearby smoke shop.

The WorldCom Scandal #~# WorldCom falsely accounted for $3.8 billion in expenses, enabling the company to continue reporting profits when it was actually losing money. What do you think?

Zombie Nutritionist Recommends All-Brain Diet #~# STONY BROOK, NY—In a dramatic reversal of decades-old medical wisdom, the late Dr. Albert Rossum, director of the O'Bannon Institute For Postmortem Nutritional Studies, recommended an all-brain diet for zombies Tuesday.

Temp Replaced With Cheaper Temp #~# SAN BERNARDINO, CA—In a personnel move expected to save the company $17 a day, Cyntrel Fiberoptics replaced longtime Manpower temp worker Paulette Riordan with lower-paid MetroTemp employee Don Sendelbach. "Paulette was a familiar face in this office who we all very much liked," departmental supervisor William Youmans said. "But with the economy the way it is, tough decisions sometimes have to be made. Don's really learning the ropes well." Riordan's plans for the future include calling Manpower to inquire about openings in other offices.

B*A*P*S Rented On Strength Of Academy Award-Winning Stars #~# IRVING, TX—Blockbuster Video customer Stephanie Campbell rented the 1997 comedy B*A*P*S Tuesday, swayed by the presence of Oscar-winners Halle Berry and Martin Landau. "Wow, this is a pretty impressive cast," said Campbell, studying the back of the video box. "Talk about heavy hitters—it's even got Ian Richardson." Campbell ensured an evening of top-notch movie-watching by also renting Loaded Weapon I, which features Oscar-winner F. Murray Abraham.

American Idol Winner Already Complaining About Pressures Of Fame #~# NEW YORK—Kelly Clarkson, the winner of Fox's American Idol, griped about the pressures of her weeks-old celebrity Monday during an appearance on Live! With Regis And Kelly. "Being a star is amazing, and I wouldn't trade it for anything, but sometimes it's like, 'Can I please have, like, one second to myself?'" Clarkson said. "Everyone wants a piece of you, and there is zero privacy." Clarkson, who performed her debut single "A Moment Like This" on Live!, said she plans to spend the next month "recharging at a secluded desert spa."

Hotel Bar Really Hopping Tonight, Says Hotel Bartender #~# GRAND RAPIDS, MI—According to George Fontana, the Grand Rapids Hilton's Tiki Town bar and lounge is "really hopping tonight," the 46-year-old hotel bartender reported Monday. "Usually, Mondays are pretty slow around here," Fontana said. "But it's been non-stop since about 10. To be honest, I'm not exactly sure why. I'd say it was the dental-supply convention, but most of those fellas are staying over at the Radisson." Fontana added that if the rush keeps up, he may have to unlock the supply closet to get a fresh box of olive picks.

Mock Me If You Will, But This Huge Cock Has Gotten Me Out Of Some Tough Scrapes #~# Ha, ha, very funny. Laugh it up, guys. I'm glad you find it so amusing.

Jack Welch's Retirement Perks #~# The details of General Electric CEO Jack Welch's lavish retirement package recently became public, sparking public outrage.

The Sept. 11 Anniversary: Two Weeks Later #~# WASHINGTON, DC—It seems hard to believe that a fortnight has already passed, but this Wednesday, the nation will come together to commemorate the two-week anniversary of the one-year anniversary of the Sept. 11 attacks.

Ask The Dauphin #~# This is a message for "Still Can't Believe It," whose 13-year-old dyed her hair pink the night before her Confirmation… GET OVER IT! It's just a little hair dye! It's not like your daughter uses drugs or held up a bank. It sounds like you've got a basically good kid who's going through a little phase, so relax and let her be her.

Ken, Barbie Reenact Parental Fight #~# SPARTA, TN—A pair of Mattel Barbie and Ken dolls reenacted a fight between the parents of Amanda Lytle, 6, in the girl's bedroom Monday.

Disgusting Gyro Meat Magically Turns Delicious After Midnight #~# CHAMPAIGN, IL—A serving of greasy, heavily processed gyro meat was magically rendered delicious by the passage of the midnight hour, drunken Nick's Parthenon patron Sam Afton reported Monday. "Aw, man, this is so awesome," said Afton, gorging on the 14-hour-old, sodium-drenched strips of grade-C ground beef and lamb. "Thank God this place was open—I was starving." During his six years in Champaign, Afton had walked past the low-cost Greek eatery on 207 occasions, each time disgusted by the smell and sight of the massive rotating cylinder of cheap, low-grade meat on twin spindles.

20 Percent Of Area Man's Income Spent Ironically #~# LOUISVILLE, KY—Alex Vartan, 24, a Louisville-area convenience-store cashier and part-time DJ, spends 20 percent of his income ironically, sources reported Monday.

Bush And The Weapons Inspections #~# Last week, Saddam Hussein agreed to U.N. weapons inspections in Iraq, but President Bush dismissed the offer as a cynical ploy. What do you think?

Director of High-School Play Buys Director's Chair Out Of Own Pocket #~# WILKES-BARRE, PA—Bill Enqvist, Wilkes-Barre East High School drama teacher and director of the school's upcoming production of West Side Story, purchased a wood-and-canvas director's chair from Wal-Mart with his own money Tuesday. "I was kind of hoping the school would spring for one for me, but I guess they didn't see it as essential," Enqvist said. "That's okay: After the play, I can spruce up my deck with it." Enqvist added that for the next theatrical season, he may splurge on personalized iron-on letters for the chair's back.

Senators Wish Domenici Would Bring Dog To Work More Often #~# WASHINGTON, DC—Members of the U.S. Senate wish that Sen. Pete Domenici (R-NM) would bring his sheepdog Luke to work more often, Beltway sources reported Monday. "It's always so fun when we're debating a piece of legislation, and Luke comes charging in and runs all around the senate floor saying hi to everybody," Sen. Jon Corzine (D-NJ) said. "A couple weeks ago, I was right in the middle of a speech when he bowled me over and started licking my face." Virtually every senator has encouraged Domenici to bring in Luke, with the notable exception of Sen. Mary Landrieu (D-LA), who is "so allergic to that thing, it's not even funny."

Apartment Set Up To Create Illusion Of Well-Rounded Life #~# RIVERSIDE, CA—Hoping to trick visitors into thinking he leads a well-rounded life filled with diverse interests, local resident Andrew Higgins has outfitted his apartment with such accoutrements as a framed La Dolce Vita poster, an acoustic guitar, and a magazine rack filled with back issues of The New Yorker. "I'm clearly into some pretty cool stuff," said Higgins, 26, who devotes 95 percent of his evenings to playing his Nintendo GameCube or patronizing a local topless bar. "This apartment is indistinguishable from that of a true Renaissance man."

Son Surprised Dad Knows Johnny Cash Song #~# IOWA CITY, IA—Shawn Sullivan, 22, was stunned to learn Monday that his father is familiar with the Johnny Cash song "I Walk The Line." "Where the hell did Dad learn that?" asked Sullivan, whose father recognized the song playing over speakers while dining out with the family. "That's, like, something me and my friends listen to." Sullivan conjectured that, while borrowing his father's car recently, he must have inadvertently left the radio tuned to KRUI 89.7, the local college radio station.

I'm Not Proud Of Some Of The Things I've Done #~# Can it be true that my years in this world already number 12? Though mine is but a dog's life, I have always tried to live it well. Early on, I made it my mission to explore the neighborhood beyond my own yard, to appreciate nature and its many wonderful smells. I've thirsted for knowledge, learning in excess of 10 tricks and committing to memory the location of every rabbit hole within a quarter mile. I have minded to comport myself with dignity, keeping my coat shiny and clean through a daily regimen of rigorous licking.

Tracing Your Genealogy #~# Building your family tree can be a fun and rewarding activity. Here are some tips to help you get started:

Area Man Always Nostalgic For Four Years Ago #~# BOTHELL, WA—Eric Bagley, 32, a Seattle-area freelance photographer and part-time graphic designer, is perpetually nostalgic for the life he led four years earlier.

Keepin' It Real In Tha Midstate Crib #~# Very first time I wrote this column, it wuz to inform all y'all nonbelievaz out there that tha H-Dog wuz a BAD ASS who best not be fucked with. That wuz nearly six yearz ago, and ain't a damn thing changed. If y'all think I gone soft 'cause I gots a shortie now, you dangerously mistaken. I still as hardcore as they come, know what I'm sayin'? Cross me, an' I'll samurai on yo' ass. Word is bond.

Teen Humiliated By Activist Mom #~# AUSTIN, TX—Roberta Asher, 47, a longtime crusader for environmental and human-rights causes, once again humiliated her teenage son Monday when she appeared on the local TV news speaking at a rally for migrant and seasonal agricultural workers.