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Kanakmi

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mental-disorders

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About to start Lexapro(lengthyish post) So this will be my first go into a SSRI. I’m currently suffering from (what they think) is a stress induced stomach ulcer. It didn’t helped that I abused Advil and drank my fare share of wine. This is by far the worst thing I’ve ever gone through. You may be thinking “wow, that’s it?”. I also have emetophobia and with my symptoms of this “ulcer” I’m nauseated every day from the time I wake up until I go to sleep. Daily life is becoming a task and going to work is close to impossible. I went to the ER a few days ago out of sheer panic, and they basically said my anxiety when it comes to this ailment is taking over. They suggested I start Lexapro and continue on with my PPI (acid reducer). At this point, I’m welcoming the Lexapro with open arms. I’ve read a lot of stories of people starting it and having really beneficial effects. But I’ve also read some really bad stuff that comes along with it aka nausea, stomach pain etc. I guess my question to you all is, how was the initial start? What were some of the effects you felt? Any stomach issues? Any advise to get me ready would be super beneficial. Thanks in advance.

I’m so mad at myself I have always been such an attention seeker. Is this even normal like maybe this is normal person stuff but everyone’s too ashamed to say it aloud except me because I’m desperate for an answer at this point In grade school I wanted to break my arm so I could wear a cast and get attention. Yeah, I know that’s a common normal thing for young children so that’s fine. But in high school I had this weird fixation on having appendicitis for MONTHS. It was half health anxiety but also half just like ??, attention seeking ??? Like ?? Literally went to the hospital over it once cuz I convinced myself of it. Wtf. I never had appendicitis. I also got these bad anxiety stomach aches, which of course I blew out of proportion and saw so many doctors from childhood to like junior year of college. Even had proceduresfor it. But I knew it was just anxiety. Also in high school, I started SH. This was half genuine “coping mechanism” and made me feel relief. I was genuinely struggling, I won’t deny that. But I also can’t deny it was also for attention. I get that that is valid as for some people it’s a cry for help. But then when I GOT attention for that I hated it so much. I still do it to this day at times. Now, I’m afraid that all of my mental illness is attention based. The thought of being undiagnosed makes me feel awful about myself. I need people to know I’m suffering all the time. Sometimes I worry that I tricked my therapist into diagnosing me with this. Or that maybe she’s just humoring me. I’m constantly holding onto any diagnosis, validation, anything I can get. Is this normal?? This is the first time I’ve been genuinely honest with myself about this stuff, I’m afraid to tell my therapist, I’m afraid I’m grasping at straws. I know I’m suffering on a severe level, but have I slowly done it to myself?

Hi, does anyone here take or have taken librium for anxiety? Does it work? I'm going to ask for this drug to treat my debilitating afternoon anxiety attacks that spike my blood pressure and heart rate. Those SSRI's don't help at all.

I’ve been obsessively thinking about killing myself. There’s a stairwell in my building I could jump into. I think about it every day and I’m getting so angry about how I haven’t done it, and how I probably won’t. I just wish I were more impulsive so I would be gone already and not have to think about this anymore

Almost every day, I feel extremely fatigued, so I’ll naturally want to stay in bed. I work in the oilfield, so it’s an extremely demanding job, and on more than one occasion I have called in “sick” just to avoid having to deal with the exhaustion, which is like an extra layer of draining. I hope this makes sense. I feel like a coward for running away from everything and being afraid of hard work just because the exhaustion raises my anxiety.

It's not okay to hurt others regardless of what mental illness you have. It could be an explanation but you need to take responsibility for your behaviour and try help yourself. Hiding behind your illness, hurting/abusing/manipulating people then saying 'I have X, this is me, I can't change it' yes you can! It's not a get out of jail free card. Whenever I snap at people when I have meltdowns I always apologise afterwards.

i literally hate myself. i just turned 15 and i have no talents, i failed in three subjects, i am overweight, have a really messed up sleep schedule, have no friends or social life at all and i am a BIG disappointment to everyone. on the other hand, my little brother is perfect, has excellent grades, plays sports and even tho he's 10 he has a great social circle and everyone adores him. my family would be better off without me since all i do is just waste their money. i love my parents so much, they deserve better.. someone like my little brother. not me, i have no idea why i'm still alive i am only just a burden to them.

Just as title says.

I just want to know what can happen if I’m unmedicated and I begin to have a bad episode.

Some background: I am the only one out of my close friend group to graduate in 2020, so I had to move out to live alone. Originally I was supposed to live in halls but due to covid things quickly changed. I am obviously grateful that I am able to rent alone as that is a privilege but it is also torture at the same time. I went from seeing friends in school everyday when living with my parents to barely seeing them, now things have changed so much. I thought I got over my abandonment issues when I stopped being possessive and overprotective of my friends and clearly not. Not only am I now almost always alone with my thoughts since online university is just not them same in terms of socialising, but I worry about making new friends and losing old ones. We live our separate lives like adults would but I cannot stand it. I feel like even if I try to focus on myself while I have no distractions in my free time Ill become a shut in and if I try to desperately meet new people I'll just fuel my abandonment issues. This is both a vent post as well as asking for advice and coping mechanisms

Every day and every night I’m paralyzed by fear of death/dying and losing people I really care about. I lost two of my brothers who were only just over/just under 30 last June/August and it’s fucked me up so much in so many ways.

Please don’t open if alcohol is triggering for you. 💜 I feel so weird calling myself one, but when I’m getting drunk every single night to block out my emotions… I don’t think I can not be called an alcoholic. Feels bad maaaan. I’m 24, I’m intelligent, I have a job, I go out for walks and exercise every day - otherwise ‘functional’ - but I’m throwing my money and health away. I suppose in a way I’m just typing this to finally admit it to myself and get it out of my system, but I really have gotten myself very, very stuck.

I have Borderline Personality Disorder, PTSD, severe depression and anxiety. Some of it is just fun generic shit that got passed down to me. A lot of it is childhood trauma, growing up with a Borderline parent who half the time seemed to love me, and the other half said I must want her to kill herself because I’m so horrible. Almost two years ago I tried to kill myself. Obviously it didn’t work. For a year after that I pretended that all the lovely things I learned in the psych ward had taught me to value my life. But I was lying. I knew I’d do it again. I still longed for it, the way you long for your bed after a horrible day. I was just so tired. I started injuring myself without fully understanding why. I think maybe in a way I think of my body as a prison. I’m fucking stuck here, and all I’ve wanted for 20 years is just complete oblivion. I don’t wanna go to Heaven and hang out with God, I don’t care about Hell or wherever else I may go after death. My hope has always been that it’s just nothing. All my racing thoughts and self hatred and fears of abandonment, all my constant feelings of guilt and hopelessness, just turned off like a light switch. Whatever happens after that can’t possibly be worse than this. Living every day with all this in my head, trying to act like a normal person, painfully aware that I fail most of the time. I’ve lost friends and even family members who basically can’t deal with me anymore, who are exhausted by the crises I go through on a regular basis. I’m difficult to love, sometimes it’s easier just to ignore me, why can’t I just push through it. These are all things that have been said to me. I’m so angry at these people who have fully functioning brains, who seem to be able to live their lives without constant psychological pain and don’t even realize how lucky they are. And they’re exhausted by me. Every fucking day is a struggle for a person like me. Every minute, every time I have to go spend time with friends and put all my energy into being upbeat so they won’t be annoyed that I’m bringing them down. I hate myself. I hate my life, I hate what happened to me, I hate the things I’ve done as a result of my illness. I don’t look forward to living the rest of my life. And I’m doing it for no fucking reason. But I’m sorry I’m so difficult to love and I bring people down. That must be really fucking hard for them. Poor things.

Anxiety has affected me so much lately, so much that I had a bug about a month and a bit ago which completely put me off my appetite. Since then I've been scared to eat food as I'm anxious it will make me sick from it so I constantly Google "will ___ make me sick?" For my age I should be 11 stone and I'm currently 7 stone. Any tips on how to overcome this fear and regain weight? Thank you,

I feel like a little bitch baby who can't take others opinions. But I always feel so sad and sometimes even cry when I get downvoted online, I just feel like I'm not good enough or like I'm stupid or hurting someone, and I hate hurting other people. I just can't take opinions, how do I fix this?

Hey I’m a little unsure of what to do I want to tell my parent about my self harm but know that he will react to it poorly and will disapprove as he will think that it is just a way for me to get attention I don’t know what to do I can’t talk to friends at the moment and I have lost the ability to do the littlest thing

me and her talked fine from morning til afternoon and she hasnt replied since. im scared i did something bc even if ive sent a few snaps since she hasnt replied to any of them, and i feel so bad i wanna throw up and i cant sleep. im sure she doesnt hate me but its hard to rationalize it, help me?

is there any way to make it so i dont inconvenience them like that with expenses when im gone

A doctor I have talked to told me I should get tested for ASD but I don’t know if I should. I am going to tell you a little about myself to see if that helps. It’s hard to explain which is a thing I struggle with I can’t communicate that well. I will actually get irritated and angry when I try to talk about anything personal I’m terrible at small talk both in person and online. My text messages are usually one word responses it doesn’t matter if I texted you yesterday or months ago. I can’t comfort people at all and I don’t understand others emotions like I was at a friend of the family’s daughter’s funeral she died at age 19 of lupus, the whole time I was there I kept thinking why is her mom crying she’s already dead crying won’t change anything. I don’t mean to be rude but I’m not good in sensitive social situations. I have certain routines I have to do like before I eat and if I can’t do them I get angry. I also go to bed a certain way with a routine I do every night and go to the bathroom with the same routine everyday. I plan a lot of things down to the smallest detail and in what order I am going to do them in and I really don’t like it when my routine changes. I have no friends, I can be friendly with people but I am not able to form any type of relationship. I can’t really tell how a person is feeling or thinking. Plus I am not the greatest at social cues a teacher even called me a borderline bully because I guess when I was talking with a girl in my group I was being mean and rude but I wasn’t trying to be I was just talking I don’t understand people’s emotions. I know they have them but I don’t understand it. I just tell them the truth or first thing that comes to my mind I HATE being touched it doesn’t matter who it is if I didn’t initiate it The DONT touch me. I observe a lot like if you got a haircut, seat in a different seat than normal, I can see patterns in almost everything. I will sometimes get so obsessed with small things like someone’s license plate number I will spend hours memorizing different plates or the model of the car and how many times I have seen that same model that day. It’s hard for me to deal with my emotions like if I get angry I start hitting my hands and head against walls, windows or doors or punching myself on the head. Or if I’m said I can’t tell other people why I’m sad or talk about what made me sad. The only time I want to talk to people is when it’s about something I have become obsessed with like I have studied 99% of dog breeds in the world and can talk about that for hours but if the topic changes I don’t want to talk anymore. When I talk to people I avoid eye contact I hate looking at people in the eyes I have a great imagination I can escape to a whole different world and pretend to be one of my favorite characters in a show or in a book. I can do this for hours and spent 90% of my childhood in a different world. I don’t mean like with dolls or toys but by acting out everything and talking for all the characters. I get a strong urge to do this a lot of the time and I even do it in public without noticing. The way I talk to one person is the same way I talk to everybody doesn’t matter who you are or how long I have known you I’m great at math and learn quickly but I’m horrible at English. I don’t understand why I can’t just write the facts why do I have to word them a certain way. I hate noises even the smallest sound like if something falls down and makes a noise I get angry or if someone is taping a pen or a bag crinkling. Even when I listen to certain songs I get annoyed by the background noises I am pretty sure I am missing somethings but here is what I can think of right now. With everything I have listed do you think it is worth getting Autism spectrum testing. I am a 18 year old female which sucks because a lot of females get overlooked or misdiagnosed because ASD tends to effect males and females different.

I have multiple anxiety disorders, just asking the cashier for a pack of cigs stresses me out beyond belief and I have to rehearse it everytime no matter how many times I've done it. I would prefer not to have a job but I am uni student in need of money and tbh I get bored just doing uni work. There's a job opportunity at my accommodation next year as a student rep, it's pays about £9 an hour and it's easy work. Plus it's onsite so I don't have to worry about walking in the city by myself in the dark. And given I struggle with my mental health it's optimal because it's 10 steps from my flat to the reception and I don't have to deal with horrible people all day just sorting students parcels and offering tea and coffee. It wouldn't be so bad if I knew what questions I would be asked, but it's one of those things where you have 2 mins to prepare what you're gonna say it then you have to say it. In school I would have to mentally prepare myself everyday just to say here during the register, I don't do well when I don't prepare. I get on well with one of the guys that works there so I wouldn't be anxious about having to spend a whole shift with them, and the other people that work there are friendly enough. And he was the one who suggested I should go for role. 'I'm in reception often enough and it's not like I'm doing anything else' which is true I'll give him that. But also said 'it's £9 an hour to show up and be a smiling face, though you probably won't get it cos of that last part' which is true I have bad rbf and being autistic I don't always notice that I don't smile a lot. And I know he's only joking but it does worry me. He said I'll get the role if I interview well and they only usually have 2-3 people apply. And part of me would hope that me and him getting along would give me an advantage especially if he doesn't know the other people But like it's almost worse that I get on well with him because he's the one that decides who they give the role to, and I don't want to apply and then not get it cos I still have to live there for the rest of the year and I'll know it was him who decided no and it'll just be awkward. Or atleast in my anxious, over thinking, irrational mind it'll be awkward. And the idea of having him interview me feels weird, like when we talk it's not exactly 'professional', there's banter and swearing (scandalous I know), lending cigs. He wouldn't talk to me like that if his boss was there, infact he is very different when his boss is there, much more in his customer service persona. So to have to be serious would feel odd. I'm overthinking this I know, but I can't help it I know getting this job would be beneficial not only in the sense that having the extra money but also putting myself in situations that make me anxious and being something I have to drag myself out of bed for will only help my mental health, in the long run atleast even if it's horrible at first

I’ve thought about this a lot over the years, and shared the idea with quite a few other people with BPD, especially when they are struggling with obsession over an FP. I know not everyone’s experience is the same. BPD is a complex disorder with a complex set of manifestations. This is just what I’ve found in my experience. I could see my lack of empathy when I split on people out of sadness or rage. When I’d look back, I’d feel deeply guilty about how easy it was for me to discard someone in a heated moment. This part of myself terrified me. It was a toxic coping mechanism for my fear that someone was leaving me. It was me “going dark,” because lack of empathy meant I’d intentionally made a decision to no longer care for that person. So I would swing the other way, apologizing for my coldness, doting, trying to carry the weight of another person’s feelings. Sometimes, most times, they wouldn’t even know that I’d split on them. In those “good” moments, the idealization, I found myself completely entrenched in the objects of my affection. We were one — no boundaries — completely connected. I loved them so hard and so deeply that I could never imagine a place where this person did not receive 100% of my empathy. I cared so much about them that prioritizing their feelings felt like the only thing to do. I just wanted them to be happy. If I made them happy, they wouldn’t leave. Time would pass, conflict would arise, and I was right back to going dark. When I looked at this cycle from afar and over time, I realized that I’d never actually been empathetic. In times where I felt sky high one someone’s love, the intensity and passion, the merging, were results of never communicated expectations I’d placed on them. I wasn’t trying to understand so that the people I loved deeply would have sense of being heard, though maybe that was a significant part of it. At the root of my intention, when I was truly honest with myself, it was because I had projected an expectation that they would make me okay. Their attention and care fulfilled me, and had become a need in my mind. I made myself a sponge to absorb what wasn’t mine in an exchange only I had ever agreed to. It was always just about my own needs. TL;DR: We are prioritizing ourselves when we idealize people we love, even if it doesn’t seem that way. The unintentional expectations we place on them are a result of lack of empathy.

I'm contemplating whether or not to use sleeping pills or other method to off myself but if I do choose the pills. How would it go? Like do I just fall asleep and never wake up again? I hope I don't feel any pain while sleeping and how many bottles do I need to do to end up in the morgue and not the ER?

I have to work in a few hours. I hate the unknown so much. I am feeling so anxious. Listening to emo music works..any other positive feedback helps.

I've been diagnosed with bipolar disorder type II and GAD from a psychiatrist and recently BPD by my therapist. Plus I have no sense of self-esteem since pre-adolescence, which is also the time I started having depressive episodes. My therapist in particular has been trying to help me to accept that I'm an alcoholic. And we all know the effects of excessive alcohol ingestion on skin. I still can't bring myself to say out loud that I'm an alcoholic, the shame is just too much. So my therapist's treatment effectiveness on that has been slow, unfortunately. However, I did manage to cut my alcohol ingestion by half since last year, but I'm still drinking an average of ~1.5 bottles a day. Same with smoking, which may be even worse on skin than alcohol afaik. I'm just mentioning this because I know the best path would be for me to stop drinking/smoking. I'm trying, I really am. The therapy sessions aren't cheap and I'm doing everything I can to follow what I'm told to as strictly as possible. But I'm still too ashamed to go to a dermatologist and explain my situation. I'm not even sure I'd easily find one who's trained to deal with it. Key note: I have dyshidrosis on my hands ever since adolescence; it spurs when I'm particularly stressed. More recently, I was diagnosed with seborrheic dermatitis (forehead and cheeks). So I started searching for skincare for alcoholics, particularly for my face. I know it sounds ridiculous. But, as expected, my skin has definitely suffered from alcohol/tobacco abuse and I'm not sure "typical" skincare routines would be that effective for me. One of my therapist's recommendations was for me to engage in self-care routines. When I was a teenager (with acne aplenty) I enjoyed having a skincare routine, so I'm trying it again. It helps that my skin just isn't in good shape, so I have a reason to pursue a routine. Are there any recommendations for that specific routine? I've tried YouTube, Google, Reddit, there's absolutely nothing that helps me in that regard. I posted this on r/DermatologyAdvice too, don't worry. tl;dr: I'm an alcoholic + I smoke tobacco. I'm going to therapy and one of our main goals is to take me out of addiction, but it's a very slow process. So I was wondering if maybe there were any skincare routines I could follow in the meantime. Thanks so much in advance :)

I cant tell if im just being a bitch or if I truly shouldnt be working at my new job. For reference, im 25/m, with a lot of unchecked mental issues: adhd, social anxiety, depression, possibly autism/aspergers. I've never seen a counselor about any of this shit and have been holding so much in basically all my life. (going to see a psychiatrist this week) Recently got a new job that deals with customer service, something im really not good at or comfortable with. I have this problem of hyping things up and not properly managing expectations, so naturally I hype this job up to shit because its has a nice office, young company with rly nice employees. But since day one i have been on the brink of panic attacks at the idea of having to talk and deal with customers over the phone and in person. Its gotten better over the past couple weeks but its still something i think about all the time. Now heres my problem, I have lost all self confidence and cant make a decision to save my life. Right now, I dont know if I should just quit and look for something thats a bit more mellow to allow me to address my problems and mental state, OR if I am just being overdramatic and should just 'tough it out'. I dont know if I have what it takes to do this job that stresses me out \*and\* deal with my mental issues right now. I want to do graphic design because that seems like something more my speed, but I dont trust myself to quit and be able to motivate myself to learn everything I need to get a job doing it. Because in 2019 I quit my other job, doing a similar warranty job, because dealing doing customer service was something i hated (and ofc I completely forgot why I quit that last job when accepting this new one) And the following 18 months I did quite literally nothing. Just a year and a half completely gone from my life, wasted. If anything I've learned from those 18 months is how bad things can get so at least I have that I suppose. So I dont really trust myself to quit right now because i feel like Id just fall back into that rut. But I feel like in this moment in my life, dealing with all these unchecked mental issues, It would be really nice to have the time to address these issues directly, as well as learn graphic design to hopefully kickstart that. So what do you guys think, am I just being a bitch or should I quit to properly address these problems? Either way Im going to see a psychiatrist soon.

Anyone here tried it? Tonight is my first night with alone time in quite some time and I just kept breaking down. I decided maybe it’s finally time I talk to someone but I am so ashamed of myself to do it in person or to let anyone know. I feel like I really need to talk someone but apparently betterhelp isn’t immediate… anyway, anyone ever use it and it helped or did I just waste 236$?

I live in a European country, I'm currently 19years old (20 in a month). I wanna move to Canada as fast as possible but I require like 100k € minimum to live a satisfactory life, it's gonna take a few years to collect that much money and the document processing takes like 2-4years, I may be in Canada by the time I'm 30 which is sort of depressing, I need some life advice. Don't take this offensively, but I believe that once you hit the mark of 30-40 years, your life kinda ends, the things you're able to experience and feel as a youngster, won't feel the same as when you'll be 30-40 yrs old. I believe everything that feels good will no longer feel the same at that point, I think as I am 19 right now this is the peak/apex of my life, and this is exactly when I should be doing the craziest things of my life, but I can't, I still have to graduate from my college, find a stable proper job, it's gonna take forever... **Big question is: will things still stay the same when I'm 30-40? Will I still feel things the same way?** Also, how do I make friends in Canada when I'm 30? People have suggested me going to raves and night clubs, are there any other ways? I could probably just find good friends from Canada online but that's really difficult, compared to how common Americans are online, Canadians are mythical lol, I honestly struggle to find any close to my age and similar hobbies, etc.. **Does anyone here know any Canadian communities of people of my age?**

Sleep, self help books, podcasts, motivational youtube videos-I've done it all to no avail

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What's the point of me? I'm stupid, clumsy, incompetent, lazy and irresponsible. I've never done anything right in my whole life. Whenever I try to help people, I mess up. I'm not good at anything, not even drawing. I deserve to die.

Long story short, I have been diagnosed with bpd for a few years now but never gotten therapy, just meds as I can't afford it and I'm spiraling into madness again and I don't know what to do. These past two months I've been the happiest I've ever been in my life with a girl I met online. I get attached easily and so does she do I thought it'd be ok. Last night she cheated on me with her ex and I had a full breakdown over it and mixed my meds with alcohol and weed and I got so messed up that I couldn't move just to stop these thoughts. I woke up today and the first thing I did was go outside and smoke and burn myself a bunch of times with the cigarette and I don't know what to do I love her and I'm so fucking attached but I can't forgive her for what she did. I feel like I'm back in the gutter that I always usually stay in and I just want to shut down and isolate myself forever but I can't leave at the same time

I have been suffering from GAD for a year now and it’s only getting worse. I have severe work anxiety, and have posted about it before here, but basically my boss texted our group chat saying we need to have a zoom meeting today. I’ve been away for quite awhile, so I guess getting right back into work is stressing me tf out- that anything to do with work scares me. This happened before as well. Whenever I get an incoming phone call, text message, a group text message even- my heart starts racing and I feel so scared to check my phone. My phone ringer is also always on silent because it triggers my anxiety when I hear the ringtone. Does anybody relate to this?? Am I weird? Is this just anxiety or social anxiety? Because I also don’t want to talk to any colleagues from work when I am not at work. The zoom meeting will be today soon and I don’t know if I want to join. Or more like I don’t think I can handle it. What should I do? Should I say I’m sick? But also at the same time I don’t even want to message my boss because I’m scared he will think I’m being lazy or lying. Omg and as I’m typing right now I’m getting a phone call from some unknown number and it’s scaring me. Wtf.

So the other day an old friend of mine who I haven't seen in over a year invited me to a beer pong tournament. I said yes because I think it might be a fun thing to do. The issue that I have isn't with going to the tournament, it's with letting my parents know. I'm 22 and still living at home and I know for a fact that my mother with disapprove, hell even my brother , I don't know how to approach the subject. I've had this pit in my stomach for 3 days now. Any ideas ?

My whole life i felt like ive lived for other people. I became an eagle scout because my parents pushed it on me because "its good to have" i played football because my parents thought "itd be good for me to do". Ive worked in the family business and i make 15 bucks an hour im told its a nice job but i hate it. I feel like im at the mercy of everyone around me. Im always on the recieving end of berating, correction, verbal abuse. Whenever i complain about it im told "thats just the way it is" and "other jobs its worse" but idk what to believe anymore. Whenever weekend rolls around im way too emotionally exhausted and physically exhausted to go out. I have no friends, never had a serious gf.

I was just skyping with my boyfriend. We have been in a relationship for over 3 years. Somehow it got to the topic of children and parents in general. And as we are talking about it, he made a comment saying he doesnt think I should be allowed to have kids. I am very much of a family person, I value family so much. And what always brings a smile to my face and what always makes me happy and i daydream about it all the time is having a family of my own. Having a warm home with a man i love and little kids running around. ( I certainly dont believe its all a fairytale and that everything is pink and perfect, but I’m sure family can fight through bad things) As i little girl, before bed, i would tell God that i would next 9 months pray for a child that needs it in his mother’s womb. I would write down the date and the exact next 9 months, every night, i would pray for that one child and the needs the mother and the child have. I dont know, I just get all warm and full of love when thinking about experiencing that myself one day. And he as well wants family and kids. And then when he said that because i have experienced mental issues that i shouldnt be allowed to really have kids and that i shouldnt have kids. It shocked me,i was hurt. But i told myself its okay,but i still wanted to voice my opinion. So i started talking about how i feel about family and kids and how im sure that i would do everything for my family and kids. But he got mad,really mad. Started yelling at me. And as soon as we hang up,i broke into tears. It just feels so sad. He never revealed to me that he feels that way,so the shock got me. And tears just started. I guess a lot of people have that opinion that people who have experienced mental issues should not have kids,that they arent capable of having them. And of course maybe someone doesnt want children/family and thats completely fine. But if someone does want it and truly feels all warm when just thinking about it, why not.. This was a long vent haha,but i also wanted to ask if anyone experienced something similar. How did you “prove” that you arent less capable than someone else.. How do you even explain that you arent a monster or some weird creature, i dont know.

So sorry for the wall of text.. please help me I was recently dumped by my partner with BPD after 7 years of dating (since middle school). I really loved her. She really loved me. We were absolutely best friends. I don’t really believe in soulmates, but it sure felt like she was mine. We had a tough relationship with immense love but its fair share of arguing. I had my flaws, I was very depressed a few years back and treated her with relative disdain during a LDR where we were particularly toxic to one another, but I worked on it and myself and tried my best to be a great, thoughtful boyfriend afterward. It hurt her, and she’s still hurt about this time period, but I worked so hard to make it right the next few years. She had her issues too. She would get angry with me for not spending large stretches of time with her, and she was constantly struggling with depression/anxiety that she couldn’t get completely under control. This affected our relationship, but I was patient. Her demons haunted her, and I knew all about them and I understood. I recently moved back near her, as I transferred unis (mainly for career reasons, but conveniently she was here too), but a few days after we spent the whole winter break together, she met a guy at an org that she became infatuated with, and she left me within less than a week. What the fuck? Take time for yourself, sure, but throw yourself at a random person like this? I’ve never been so hurt and angry. Our relationship was long and bumpy, but I thought we really loved each other for the long run. Not more than a week ago we were cuddling, and now she can’t even look at me the same. It hurts me so much. I don’t have the words to describe the feeling. I know we may have gotten too comfortable with each other, and maybe we stopped showing the more “exciting” parts of a relationship, but that could be worked on. I was willing. I had started going to the gym and dieting hard to look better for her and have a better overall mood.. But this came out of left field. I wanted to work it out. How can this happen so quickly?.. anyone please help me cope. I’m hurting more than ever before. This has been, by far, the worst weekend of my life.

Some of you may have seen a [post I made](https://www.reddit.com/r/BPD/comments/agp1wz/how_can_i_deal_with_friend_leaving_nonpermanently/) not too long ago about a friend of mine leaving for army boot camp. In it, I mentioned that I hadn't fully registered it yet, and that I knew it would upset me because I've been ghosted in the past and have a history of people abandoning me. Well, I've registered it. In perhaps the worst way possible. My BPD is making me forget about her. Now, I haven't "forgotten" in the normal sense of the word. It's closer to my mental state beginning to only think of her in a conceptual way. As though she's not real. As though she's a figment of my imagination. But I am determined to not let this happen. ***We both deserve more than that. She means more to me than that. And I know that it's my job to manage my symptoms as best I'm able to be as healthy and happy as possible.*** And so, I'm going to record here some (healthy!) coping methods I've come up with to help cope with her being away, and I think they could be helpful to people in some situations. Now, she is a friend of mine exclusively online, 99% of our interactions were through text that has been recorded in one place at all times, specifically through Discord private messaging. Some of it was speaking out loud through voice chat, but we have a reasonably permanent showcase of the fact that we've spoken, and the content of our conversations. I've decided to read through our most recent conversations regularly, so as to remind myself that she's *real*. That we *know each other*. And that *she's only gone for a little while*. If you are in a similar situation, I highly suggest this method. Even if you didn't interact mostly through text, there's a high chance that you have something somewhere. I'm also going to set myself reminders. I've gotten the Pi Reminder extension for Google Chrome to set myself reminders to exercise, eat, check mail, and a host of other things. I don't see why it can't be used to remind myself that I have friends who care about me, even if they're not available to tell me themselves. I don't know if it's available through Firefox, Safari, Opera, etc, but I imagine there are thousands upon thousands of similar things that work just as well if not better. It's worth a shot. Another thing I'm doing is to make things for her to send in the mail. I'm crocheting her a pair of socks (in olive drab and camouflage colors, of course) that I'm very proud of. I'm drafting an illustration of her and some of her favorite things together. I'm going to crochet and draw and write for her as much as I can. It's proof that she's tangible enough for me to put effort into making her happy. Which for me, is a big deal. I never put effort into anything, because I can be very lazy. Do whatever you can to do something like this. It doesn't have to be crochet and drawing, it can be whatever you have the skill and energy to do. Write a letter, take a picture, collect cool rocks you think they would like, whatever works. You don't have to show it to them or give it to them, but you can if you like. If you know anyone else who also knows them, try and talk to that person. She recently (very recently) introduced me to someone she knows in person, hoping we could be friends. I haven't really talked to this person, but I'm going to shoot a few messages that direction. If all goes well, I might make a new friend. If it doesn't... Well, at least I tried. Which again, is saying a lot for me. This would obviously be easier to do if your friend who is away is someone you know in person within a group, but it can work in other ways. It's not my first option, but it might work for you. So, if you think it'll work, try these for yourself. TLDR: Some fairly healthy ways to handle someone important to you leaving temporarily. For specifics, I suggest reading the whole thing. ^(If my flair is incorrect, feel free to suggest a better one.)

What if you fall in love with someone and start to build a life with them, just to half way meet someone else who makes you happier? Is anyone scared of this? Thinking that you met your soulmate, just to find out that you didn’t. Or even if you never meet someone else, are you also scared that you’re spending the rest of your life with the wrong person for you? We only get one chance at life, after all. I’m terrified.

Somebody please talk to me I’m struggling pretty bad

Does anyone else completely lose their shit when something is triggered, go off, and then feel horrible afterward because you know you completely overreacted? I always end up apologizing and immediately know I've gone off.. even sometimes when I want to control myself and I still just end up out of control. I've got to get a handle on this, he can't keep walking on eggshells or I'm going to lose him. I can't lose him, I feel crazy inside when I think about it.

So I’ve been on Luvox which is an anxiety and OCD medication on and off for around two years but steadily for about a year I just went up from 150 to 200 and I never felt depressed from going up on a medicine but for some reason the past couple days I don’t want to talk to anyone I don’t wanna go anywhere I could sleep all day. Does this happen to anyone else going up on the medicine and how long does it last?

I'm anxious to tell my family that I picked at my toenail and eventually torn most of it off I dont know why but I just cant build up the courage I need to tell them and when I do I have a panic attack on how they will react

I noticed this once my name was called as he opened his door to let me inside. The minute he saw me, his eyes, and everything lit up. At this point I'm pretty used to strangers just gawking at me in public, but this look he made was very obvious he liked what he was seeing. It was my first appointment, so he had to access the trigger areas I was having (legs, arms, etc.) He had me sit up onto the table as he asked me to bend my back forward to see which leg I feel more pain. I was having trouble figuring out which leg had more pain so I asked him "wait can you do that again?" he laughed so hard as he leaned into me and asked "what you like being punished?" I was so caught off guard with that question that I just ignored him cause it already put me into an awkward position and told him that I was just trying to see which leg felt more. Now, it's been a few times where he just places his hand on my shoulder as he walks me out through the door saying bye, whilst he smiles very big. Also, I was once wearing a stretchy pants type material that was printed, and as he was eight behind me shutting the door he commented "those are some fun pants" and I commented back saying "uh OK?" and he laughed very nervously and tried to divert his comment into saying " yea there's a patient here who always wears camo print pants and I just think its so cool!" Now as a borderline, I absolutely love the attention but at the same time I know I can't reciprocate by flirting because duh he's a doctor. He's not even supposed to be breaking those boundaries by being too comfortable touching my shoulder. So, please don't even try scolding me about how doctors shouldn't even be messed with cause I don't even flirt back in any way. Just want to hear some insight that's all.

I’m losing my fucking shit. I haven’t been taking antidepressants since Thursday. I had been taking them for seven years+ (with one break) but recently switched to one that had a drug interaction I was not aware of and had to stop taking them until I can see my doctor in a week. I lost my grandpa last week which has been really hard on myself and all of my family. Although it hasn’t even been a week I feel like I am back to my old way (previous to starting on antidepressants many years ago and being a mess - uncontrolled anxiety and depression). Everything is super challenging right now and I am just spiraling out of control. There is no one in my life I can talk to about this. The few people I do have that care most about me do not want to hear about this (they’ve heard enough throughout the years) and/or they just don’t have time for my shit right now. I am feeling so alone and trapped by my anxiety and now depression coming back full force. It just feels like I’m trying to slap a used bandaid on myself to make it through the day without having a full on break down. This is not sustainable. I’m a fucking disaster. Fuck I’m sorry for the rant I just feel really alone and very vulnerable

Soooo want to call off work for the rest of the day. Jittery. Some nausea. Distracted. Not fun.

So let me begin by saying that for at least a year now I'll wake up with my heart racing and pounding through my whole body and I'll be shaky and sometimes breathing a little heavily. I have chronic illnesses, so I wondered if it was low blood sugar (but was never a diabetic, nor did I struggle with the opposite, that being high blood sugar). So just in case, I would eat something like a small piece of candy or drink fruit juice. I established that it was actually panic attacks when i was having a nightmare somewhat recently, where in the dream i was having a panic attack, and I kept waking up with the same physical symptoms I just described. I just had the nightmare thing happen again this morning (they are indeed nightmares and I remember what they were) and even if that doesn't happen, the panic attacks happen almost every time I sleep. I've never experienced this before and one of my lizards always comes out and watches this happen every morning and I'll wake up to her watching and then fall right back asleep

So I'm 18 and for the last 12 weeks I have been working the Night Shift at the retail store Tesco. Generally speaking It's not a bad job and I actually really enjoy it most of the time. The store is understaffed and It's just a bit of a mess. I was on shift last night and was stuck in the Yoghurt aisle by myself and at out store it is really a three person job but again we are understaffed. I have worked in the Yoghurt Aisles a few times so I wasn't that worried. However the dayshift left the back store room a mess and I really didn't have time to properly tidy it like I usually would if there was more then one person there. I tried my best honest to god I really did but apparently it was not enough. In the end the manager pulled me into the office and reprimanded me saying that I was in charge of it and need to make sure that it is perfect before I leave. I tried to explain the issue and he screamed at me saying that he had no time for excuses and that I needed to do better. I was exhausted and stressed and In the end I just couldn't control it and broke down in tears. I'm mortified and don't know how the hell my supposed to show my face there come my next shift. I'm so embarrassed.

Have 0.5 mg prn prescribed. Sometimes I take two when I’m very anxious like just now. I feel no difference. I m still so very anxious and have been looking for alternatives that are legal on my own this week cause it’s been awful. Cbd doesn’t help neither maybe the doses I take are too small about 20mg. I’m tired.

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I feel like a completely different person when I'm dating someone. I struggle with suicidal ideation and feeling that the whole world is pointless but as soon as someone new enters my life it's like a switch flips and I'm a completely different person. Like I suddenly want to engage in life and take care of myself. But it doesn't feel very real because I never get better just for myself. I don't know if this is a bpd thing or everyone feels this to some degree.

Hi there, I am 19M and have had anxiety all my life (particularly health anxiety). Despite this, it has never manifested in the likes of a panic attack or anything that has felt particularly episodic in nature. I feel like I am at a fairly average/comfortable point in my life, albeit I am kept busy daily due to university, work and some extra-curricular commitments. I am just wondering whether anyone here has seen their anxiety manifest in a similar way, and whether anyone has any tips for how to deal with these situations, as I can't find any results that align directly with the situation I'm experiencing, hence I am unsure whether it is occurring due to my anxiety at all (not asking for a medical diagnosis though of course, just some tips on how I can help it assuming it is anxiety). Recently I have started to experience quite heavy shortness of breath when I go to sleep at night, when I am at my absolute calmest and am seconds away from falling asleep. It will have a sudden onset, and will appear along other symptoms of dizziness/lightheadedness as well as getting cold lips and feeling other symptoms such as warmth and slight fullness in my chest. Despite the rapid onset, it does not disappear no matter how long I lie there taking deep breaths, and no matter what position I lie in. I find it slightly helps to sit up/stand up, and hence I tend to give up on trying to sleep (due to my struggle to breathe) and spend about 6+ hours on my phone whilst feeling dreadful to pass the time, until I eventually reach a level of fatigue at which nothing that I think/feel keeps me up, followed by about 5-7 hours of low-quality sleep. What I've also noticed is that my heart/pulse always feels faint when lying and not sped up, which is unexpected from my point of view. I have been to doctors and ED numerous times, and have gotten everything checked out, *except* for an echocardiogram, which will not be for some time (adding to my anxiety greatly). The first time it happened one night, and by the next night, it had close-to disappeared. I am writing this after two nights and days of experiencing these feelings again with little sleep. Has anyone had a similar situation where shortness of breath (mainly when lying down and at night) manifests in a non-panic attack way and being relaxed with slow breathing doesn't help the shortness of breath? (Sorry for the long spiel).

It feels as if I already killed myself mentally. And I'm just continuing living somone else's life. Everything I own is not mine, but hers. My old self's. My old self is sensitive, and has a lot of emotional baggage. I never let anyone see her. She only existed when I was alone. So when my parents found out i self harm, I lost it. I couldn't let them see that part of me. So i acted as if nothing happened, I must have looked crazy to them lol. But anything was better then being vurnable around them. That's when I started to loose contact with reality. It's as if the other me didn't exist anymore. I started to see myself the way they saw me, it was terrifying. The only thing that kept me sane, was that I was going to off myself anyway. This is unfinished but my head hurts from thinking about this. Basically I didn't off myself, forgot my problems, and lost my identity. Lol my emotions turned off half way through writing this haha..

So guys I’ve been having sexual relationships with my sister for about 6 years. We are twins. It all started at the age of 12 when she slept in her panties next to me. I know it’s messed up but i cant help myself. I rubbed up against her from behind and the rest is history. Ive tried to get away from it multiple times before but no one can please us how we do. She tells me she’s never had anyone bigger then me and i havent experienced the natural gifts she possesses. As time went by i truly fell inlove with her. I truly love my sister and want to marry her one day (If it ever becomes legal). I just don’t know how my family will react to it. I cant afford to lose my family over something like this. I can imagine the craziness that will arise within the family. Ive been depressed the last 2 weeks as she got pregnant. What do i do?

I've been diagnosed with different things by different therapists and put on medication that didn't work or had poor side effects by different psychologists. From my understanding my brain is psychologically weak. It had trouble doing things, focusing, being intelligent, poor sensitivity to time. Uncultured, lacks empathy, low social intelligence. Then there are other things, like auditory processing disorder, poor function within sleep deprivation, and some sensory processing disorder as well. Most touching in most environments doesn't feel pleasant, synthetic fabrics feel itchy, abnormally high pain sensitivity. Its difficult to find help. In all my reading of psychological literature, I identify with having executive function disorder the most, but none of my therapists have diagnosed me with that, only with things that have executive function disorder as a symptom. When taking medication, the symptoms did not appear to get better, and the side effects made things worse.

I’m 18yrs old and I just enrolled into a community college in the spring and I’m not happy where I am in life. and I guess with other things that’s happened in my life for example my dad years ago got deported and is Mexico doing whatever now but idk why but he’s now crazy and mentally ill and my mom also deported and in Mexico (btw and I’m now living with her) and then this same year I had a bad trip on weed which gave me derealzation which I’m thankful I’m recovering from that made realize there’s a lot of stuff I’m not happy about the way things are now and now I’m stressed out that maybe the reason why I have this anxiety and depression is because I’m maybe have ADHD because I’ve realized I can’t stop thinking about anything’s from scenarios in my head to made up scenarios that are unrealistic and unrelated to what’s going on and trying to stop the voices/thoughts just makes me more anxious and paranoid and depressed Please help don’t know what to do

I've been have a really good week. I've been happy and excited about something me and my friend were planning on doing on saturday, but yesterday i hoped on reddit and saw a post under r/depression and my good mood has been gone since.

Hey I (m16) am dating this girl (f16) and we have been extremely loving and I can even show you screenshots of what how she expresses her love to me over text. She is a rly rly pure and loving person and we having been dating for 1 whole year now. However recently once I took my flight to come here on vacation where I still am at, she had a desk from me for 2 days and in these 2 days she rly blew up my phone and I texted her back and loved her right back. By the way we usually talk all night and we rly love each other. About 3 days ago she told me she lost feelings. However I didn’t belive her bc he spent every second talking with me and loving me and singing to me and allll that. And this happened before too when she said she lost feelings but came back to me saying she’s sorry and she made a mistake and she still loves me and she told me last time that it was bc of a manic episode that she acted this way. I forgave her and everything went back to normal til now. Continuing, I said oh God is this another episode and she said yes. And so me and my friend Anna supported her through her episode and the next night she seemed to be doing better but then she blocked both of us after saying I love u to me. Then for the past 3-4 days I’ve been fighting just to talk to her again and she kept blocking and unblocking me. Finally I went to her toxic friend who she cut off as my last hope and now she didn’t let me join the ft or anything but she told me that my girlfriend is done with me. Idk how a manic episode works no matter the research I did and I just want to know whether or not if I ever will have my little madi bear back bc this hurts way too much. Thanks

What’s your experience like if you have both ADHD and schizophrenia? Do you take meds for both? Don’t they counteract each other?

Just because the earth is tilted relative to the sun on its orbit we get really little light up here in germany. I dont need aliens, this is the real comsic horror. Like clockwork, I can see myself deteriorate. In october it begins with my first really strong episode. Irritable, highly suicidal and spiced up with feelings of impending doom. Then I get through it. I start seeing some hope because it becomes somewhat bearable for a while but soon january/feburary comes and it hits me even worse. I cant recall ever feeling this down in the summer. Dont get me wrong I dont just have SAD, I always despise life but as you all know there are levels to it. I just cant take it anymore. In winter all my progress that I make in summer halts. I feel frozen but the world is still turning. The clocks are still running. I am losing time and this makes me desperate. I get older and older (25 currently) and I miss more and more opportunities. If this keeps going at this rate I will never step out of it. I have real goals besides my cute depression side project. I want a relationship and I want a job and I want to move. Currently all I am doing is gym and study (I literally dont do anything else). Thats the maximum capacity for life I have. This is for me the worst thing about depression. I am not human. I dont have a real part in life. I just exist replicating cells and thats all. I want to be human! I want to be normal so bad! If I ever die to suicide THIS will be the reason why, not my brain chemistry. If I was depressed but atleast human as well I could probably take it. Please god in heaven let me have LUCK once! Once!

I’m really curious how BPD might be affected or influenced by those who have BP2 (or even BP1, really). How does the BPD influence the hypomania/mania, and how does the bipolar influence symptoms of BPD?

Has anyone else experienced this? I would love to one day experience love and cuddles on the daily, but I find myself instantly repulsed by someone as soon as they start treating me like a human being and not as a simple receptacle for pleasure. And I *hate* that about myself. If you were like this, how did you change it? I don't want to be forever alone, but at this rate, I end up ghosting or making myself as unappealing as possible to anyone who wants to genuinely get to know me because the thought of them liking me for me makes me unbelievably uncomfortable. But if we meet for hook-ups and they don't want to get to know me, I get so darn hurt and I chase after them like a dog on its own tail. I don't even know where I would start in terms of fixing this but it's driving me crazy! Thank you in advance!

Hello Hi. 26M here who just moved out of my childhood home of 22 years. Some might say it’s a bit late to move out at that age but from what I’ve heard, it’s more common than some would have you believe. Anyway, I was really looking forward to getting a place of my own and not having to live a parent anymore. But after only a day or so the homesickness really hit hard. Browsing around reddit resulted in some mixed answers to when the homesickness might go away. Some said a week or two and some said it may never go away completely. And I’m also somewhat disappointed in meself for not working harder to save up enough money to buy or at least put in a deposit on my childhood home before my mom decides to sell it to someone else. It was the one place I truly felt safe, secure and at peace. Most of me great childhood memories were from that place. And leaving it feels like saying goodbye to an old friend. I guess I’m looking for some advice from fellow redditors who’s gone thru similar situations, on how to not feel so bad about the whole thing and the best way to move on. Y’all have a great day :)

I stupidly came off my meds 3 weeks ago (fed up of being fat from antipsychotics), in that time I’ve OD’d twice and ruined my relationship. I hate this disorder. All I want is to be normal and rational. I need to try get a doctors appointment in the morning to restart meds but I’m scared if I’m honest they will put me back in hospital.

So for context I have been unmedicated for the past 5-6 years. However during that time, I’ve made horrible financial decisions from trading my car in every year, running up all of my credit cards, and for going federal income tax from my salary. Well here I am about seven months medicated and I’m finally stable to start fixing everything I can. I fixed my credit score, got my credit cards down to under 30% usage, and I finally filed my taxes and I’m working on getting back owed tax’s settled. However, im terrified of putting my self in such a situation again. I sold my old gas guzzling car and ordered myself a hybrid that was within my budget, and I made sure I was preapproved for everything and didn’t just walk in and take what they gave me. Being car less for the next few months should hopefully allow me to pay back most of my debts and increase my savings more. But over all does anyone have any advice? Iv frozen my credit and ask my partner prior to doing anything now, but I also don’t want to have to rely on another person to make sure I don’t ruin my life anymore. Any tips

I hate how in stories or shows there will be character who is essentially pushed to a corner, they become depressed and frustrated. While the characters around them sit idle saying"we shouldn't interfere, they need to get through this on their own." With the expectation that they will get through it. No, help them or at least leave them with no expectation for them to succeed, meaning don't be surprised/disappointed when they fail/give up or self loathe. Just don't act like your inaction was an action.

What treatment actually works for borderline personality disorder? I understand every circumstance is different, and many mental health types of issues usually overlap and need a combination of treatments, but I just wanna know what would be a good approach to treat someone who experiences the most common symptoms of BPD ? Did you manage to get into more stable relationships? Stopped being afraid to be abandoned? Stopped hating someone because of a small inconvenience they've done to you? Found a sense of purpose and identity? Stopped having strong infatuations over someone you've just met and become highly dysfunctional when they won't give you much attention? Stopped acting or reacting on the assumption you're always being ghosted, or left out and resenting people for this? CBT did not help in the slightest. It was more of a way of distracting me from my inner struggles, accepting the negatives in life and just keep on following a series of tasks to keep me busy and give me a sense of control. Needless to say it doesn't have a long lasting effect. Counselling: basically venting to someone who just nods tells you there's nothing wrong with you and everything you experience is normal and not giving any real advice. Medication: made me emotionally numb and physically exhausted. I felt less depressed, but still unfulfilled and I was okay with it. I'm thinking if would be more helpful for a therapist to analyse patterns of behaviour in triggering situations breaking them down, helping to recognise harmful feelings and how to overcome them replacing them with positive? Sometimes I feel like I lack the self awareness to realise what I'm doing wrong and act on my emotions unknowingly, it would help to have someone who makes me notice what I do wrong

I'm just curious what info anyone has or any good links about the heritability of these conditions. Thank you everyone.

So, idk what is the reason of this and I'm afraid that I might have some serious mentall illness and I'm really scared and anxious about it. Everything feels so weird. It's hard to describe, but a lot of things feel idk fake/just weird? Like everything is fake It started when I had bad LSD trip (I took it 4 times in my life, last time 9 months ago). Sometimes I have something like flashbacks from it? Idk it's hard to explain but randomly i just get this chill that runs through me and then I feel like tripping for second. My brain feels like it's going to explode. Sometimes when I'm lying in bed I have feeling like my head is going to burst from my spine and it's very weird. Everything also feels pointless. Like, when I'm doing something I randomly get that "crash with reality" thoughts and I'm keeping asking myself why am i doing it and what's the point of everything.Z I also feel disconnected from everything. It really bothers me. Also I doubt it's related but my feet and hand often feel really shaky (Or like electrified idk it's hard to explain). I also get really stressed

I’m here to say. It doesn’t get better and it never will. Now, I’m not trying to say die and give up, you can’t accomplish anything in life, or you’re doomed to a miserable life because of anxiety, but I can’t name a single good time I’ve had without anxiety being present. Shit, my heart is fluttering now just writing this. Why? I wish I knew. “Just do it”. A phrase everyone has heard over a dozen times. I feel like a hypocrite even wearing it. I can’t “just do it” I can’t do anything for a matter of fact. I should get a shirt that says “just think about it”. All my life consists of is constant thinking and I just wish it would stop, slow down, or maybe just give me a short break; even if it’s for 60 seconds. I can’t handle the loop, but I can’t break the cycle so it just is on a constant repeat. I want to be normal. More than anything in this world. I feel that no one deserves it more than I do, don’t think I’m conceded either it’s my birthday in 4 days and it took me way too long to get to the point of knowing I don’t deserve this. Maybe, I take the pain so that others don’t. I truly believe that there is always one person that has to experience something remarkable weather it’s getting bitten by a shark and struck by lightning at the same time or some rare medical disease. I feel like I’m taking the pain for all the other people that could be suffering through this. Everyone with anxiety knows that it doesn’t go away and if you didn’t know that well now you do. Once you have anxiety you are stuck with it. Unless, you are extremely strong minded or a super human then you settle and deal with the anxiety for the rest of your life. I know it sucks and I know it feels like there’s no way out but you have to remember that this life is short but the afterlife is eternal. There’s always something to look forward too. And you never know what life will throw at you, so for your own curiosity you mind as well stick around.

So I do get anxiety around a lot of people, but I also struggle with being alone. So I'd much rather be around a lot of people. But when I am I don't feel as though I'm really there. It's hard to describe. I guess I'm to busy worrying about what everyone that is there is thinking about me. I feel as though I'm not actually 0resent. Does anyone else feel like this?

i’m on mobile so sorry in advance i (18F) don’t have an official bipolar diagnosis but i feel like this is the best subreddit for me to come to about this. i did not know that i had episodes of mania until my new psychiatrist pointed it out to me. all of october this year i was manic, started lamictal, and then the episode ended but i didn’t have a depressive episode after (the “crash”). i haven’t had a depressive episode since september—the longest i’ve ever gone in my life without one. my boyfriend of nearly two years and i broke up february 1st and obviously i was sad, but i didn’t take it as harshly as i thought i would. we were each other’s first love and serious relationship so i was expecting myself to fall into a depressive episode, become suicidal again, self harm etc. after two weeks, the opposite happened. i felt free for the first time in my life and a surge of genuine happiness that i’ve never felt. then i think a manic episode started—sleeping very little, going out constantly, very social, extremely productive and energetic. before the relationship, i was an extremely energetic and social person who was known as being the life of the party but my ex was very introverted and told me that he’s insecure that he won’t be able to keep up with me, so i toned myself down for him. part of me can’t tell if maybe i’m just going back to the fun person i was before or if this is genuine mania. the last two days, however, i’ve been feeling calmer and ever since going on seroquel three weeks ago my sleep has been consistent. i’m really scared of coming out of this episode (if that’s what it is) and then falling into a depressive episode. i’ve been feeling so good about life and i’m terrified of this feeling not just going away but for my depression to come back. as bad as it sounds i want to keep this going. i haven’t been self destructive but actually quite the opposite. if i fall into depression again then i will be self destructive. i remember just how awful depression is and i can’t handle even just the thought of feeling that way again. the relationship caused a looooot of self image issued and destroyed my self esteem, and i finally have it back. i can’t tell if it’s mania though and if this feeling of happiness and relief is real. i think it is, but as we all know the manic mind isn’t the most self aware. tl;dr: got out of a serious relationship and can’t tell if i’m manic or just returning back to the happy and energetic person i was before the relationship. scared to fall into a depressive episode if it is mania though.

Sometimes I feel my mood shift and I turn into a evil person. I think violent thoughts. I would never act on these thoughts. I just think about all the people who hurt me and broke me down. I can't explain why I get these thoughts. I was wondering if anyone on here has ever had these thoughts?

Sorry if this is all over the place. Don’t know is this is relevant to the context but I’m a 22 year old woman living at home again during COVID. In a fight last night one of my parents said that they could and didn’t feel like it was their responsibility to cater for my extra needs regarding showing that they love me and aren’t going to leave (this parent is not a biological parent but has been apart of my life for as long as I can remember). And we’ve always had a rocky relationship but this was basically just confirming all of my fears to my face. Not really sure what to do in this situation? A resolution or any conversation really is not an option, I’m trying to keep the peace unto COVID is over and I can go back to living alone. I guess just any insight on how I can do this peace keeping? Or any advice at all. Thanks!

I know it is hard to tell tone on a forum like Reddit, but I am actually curious, not judging. Is it to bond with others who take the same medications? Is it to reduce the stigma around taking medication? Is it just fun to see if you recognize each other's medications? I don't really understand it, but I am interested in knowing more.

i took a semester off for uni but im back i feel behind. I can't think properly or have discipline to study all the time. I panic about failing and I just can't take it anymore. its so tiring everyday to try

I haven't made any recent progress bc I start to panic and get really upset, or I make myself physically ill from worrying. I only have to write a bit more and fix up the rest, but I just feel like it's shit and I cannot bring myself to do more. I feel overwhelmed. My supervisors and everybody have been really kind and understanding but I feel like I still can't be honest with them bc it's too painful. It's due in a day and a half and I don't feel like I can do it. I feel like I can't breathe and I want to cry.

I hate that I have this mentality that I'm only as valuable as the people around me perceive me to be. Work double demoted me. Not only did I inadvertently train my replacement under false pretences but I was removed from the team and put back down to square one. I've felt really empty and depressed since. I've taken time out to spend time with my boyfriend (who I'm forever waiting to be decided to be done with me, and whom I'm infinitely delighted when he does something cute / affectionate) I think about suicide daily as a passing thought. But the past week it's been non stop save for some efforts to distract myself. It's exhausting.

I have severe anxiety but this has never happened before. I was crying for a while this evening and then went to bed, and I felt freezing. I closed my eyes to sleep and something weird keeps happening I cant even describe it. Its like im afraid to sleep, every time I close my eyes its like i go deaf and get really disassociated, idk if thats me going into a semi-sleep state but its scary and now I cant sleep. I also am now sweating loads, im not hot, im still kind of cold but my pyjamas are wet from sweat?? Is this just anxiety presented itself in a new way or something else?

I’ve tried to convince myself that nothing is wrong with me because I can be happy at times and don’t feel depressed, but something isn’t right. I just don’t feel like myself anymore. I feel like i’m in a mental haze or something. It’s like I have trouble remembering things that could’ve just been said to me. The days all feel the same and are just merging together. I always feel like I have no energy. Like i’m just drifting through life. Came home for the holiday and of course my family asks me about how school is going. I tell them i’m struggling but they don’t know that I’m doing terribly and am going to fail this semester. They are on my back about how failure isn’t an option and emphasizing how much they pay for this. I feel so stupid. Now my record is going to be shit and i’m a disappointment. Hate feeling like this.

Is it possible to have severe anxiety without elevated heart rate? I’m having typical anxiety symptoms such as tight chest, shortness of breath, extremely tight throat and worry. Anyone else experienced anxiety without elevated heart rate?

Greetings, I am currently at the worse and intense part of my life. I shouldn’t be in this terrible state because I don’t feel nothing, so I do self mutilation to feel something. But do I feel anything? I feel happy in that moment I make that cut, but afterwards I don’t… I feel nothing afterwards… You probably think I’m just some emo kid, but I’m not but I get that a lot… I hate those people that say I am… I had thing after thing everyday and it hurts… it hurts so much, I lost my friends because I came out as transgender, and that hurt when I lost my friends… I also went through loosing my friends to suicide and I got diagnosed with major depression at 6, autism at 8, and multiple personality disorder at 12. How could that happen to me… how did people explain to me at 6 and say your gonna be really sad for no reason… how did this happen to me! I used things to take away the pain… I hate this world and myself so um this is the end of my post so yeah… Bye!

what defines rapid cycling?

I’ve consistently had a FP for most of my adult life, and they seem to follow the same pattern. The first few months are great and I feel SO happy all the time. I fall in love quickly and think I’ve found the one, and imagine our future together (marriage, kids, our home). I wonder how I got so lucky to find such an amazing person. Even their flaws (read: incompatibilities) are endearing. Just thinking about them gets me giddy. And then things get less exciting. The ‘flaws’ I initially overlooked start to bother me. I’m a perfectionist so this is major. The perfect future is no longer perfect, and I start to get super critical. I feel trapped in the relationship and think about finding someone ‘better’. I start splitting. It happens rarely at first, and I apologise soon after and beg for forgiveness, and make it up with sex/affection/gifts. Then it happens more frequently, and I get angrier and angrier, and say some awful things. I always apologise, though it takes longer for me to realise what I’ve done. I get more anxious about the relationship. If I don’t get a text back within an hour I start freaking out and think I’ve been dumped or blocked. Whenever it’s time for them to go home I cry and ask them to stay. Sometimes I plead and it’s pathetic. Sometimes I get angry and tell them to f*** off and leave me alone. But there are still some good times. Usually when I’m high :/ when I’m high I feel like my true self, I’m calm and positive, my moods are stable and the little things my FP does that normally trigger me don’t. I sadly can’t be high all the time, and I’m worried about becoming dependent on it. This of course gets to be too much to my FP, and they slowly distance themselves. They’re not as happy and sweet with me when we meet, as still emotionally scarred from my behaviour and cutting words. This in turn makes me feel like crap - cue more splitting and temper tantrums. The splitting gets worse and worse until I end up breaking up with them, because surely I’ll feel so much better without them in my life? Wrong. I sink into a deep depression, barely leaving the house and neglecting all my duties. I’m a mess and spend hours in bed crying. I start smoking more, as being high is the only thing that gets me through the day. At times I go on dating apps looking for a quick hookup, but those don’t help and just make me miss my FP more. I tend to go back to my FP for a bit, just to ‘catch up’, which turns into cuddling and sex. In the moment it feels amazing and I’m back to being SO happy, but once they leave reality sets in and I feel more alone than ever. After these encounters I split again, and of course I push them away even further. Eventually they decide they need to move on and we stop talking. I agree and immediately begin the search for my new FP. It could be a friend, an ex or someone new from a dating app. I’m at the last stage now and I haven’t looked for a new FP yet (it’s been two weeks). I’ve realised all it does is take over my life and head, and it just isn’t healthy. I never want to feel like this again. I do want to find genuine, healthy love one day but I need to spend some significant time to work on myself. I don’t want to subject another person to my moods. I have so much guilt over what I did to my exes. Any advice on how to live life without a FP would be much appreciated 💕

So long story short... my unmedicated BPD dumped me about a month ago after a girl fingered her at school that same day. I asked about the experience and she said it was fine but she wasnt uncomfortable and got really wet. This is a woman who would easily get wet by just caressing her breast and hadn't had sex in 4 months. She basically told me that she might not be interested in men or in men sexually. We had basically drifted apart after the new year rang in. She began going to school and focused a lot on it. She hates her job and is always complaining about her coworkers and also hates her household as her home is filled with family. She never mentioned anything related to the possibility of being gay. Her sexual fantasies would always involve guys, her fav was with two at the same time. She would always say how remind me of how she loved our sex, though for the last 4 months we didnt have any. Which she would feel bad over as like she said she felt like she wasnt providing what a gf should due to her depression, which was even causing her problems masturbating as she herself couldnt get herself to climax. The confusing part was that she basically said it was over but when I started texting goodbye she said not to.....mentioned how now I was going to have booty call options which I told her she knew that wasnt my thing and she was the only one I talked to like that over the 4 years. Later texted that she would probably purposely overdose at some point....I let a couple of days pass to see if she still felt the same and when I reached out she ended the night with a I know things are up in the air between us but youre going to be an important person in my life, Ill always love and care for you no matter what labels we hold. When I asked her to speak on the phone the next day she sends me a youtube link to a love song about a guy that does everything for a woman, the woman takes another path but then realizes that the man is her true love and asks him to love her. Yet she doesnt reply back. Basically she always avoided the phone conversation. I asked her if I could send her mom and grandma a mothers day gift she says "no thanks!" that was her last text. after that I sent her my true feelings of her and nothing... I honestly could not have treated this woman any better. Anything and everything she wanted....never argued with her always respected her even till the end when I was in pain, still showed her respect. I asked her if she wanted to move on or had done so, and no reply....asked if she needed space or time or was unsure...no reply. I basically texted her that I wasn't going to bother her, that I was just looking for peace of mind which we both deserved and that I just didnt want to move on feeling bad and cancelling dates because my heart still yearned for her...that I would fight for her if she wanted....silence. A month has gone by and she didnt even reach out. Sooo confused in all of this. How is it that a woman who the prior week told me how I was the most beautiful thing she had found and made me an Easter basket out of love, made plans of a future could just change in a heartbeat. Her room is littered with items I gifted her through our relationship and she couldnt even bother to text a "hey"?! Just lost. Any perspectives would be appreciated. The looooong story http://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?PHPSESSID=n7961m8jbq5jh0s2fioks3rqj4&topic=65976.0

does anyone else feel like they cannot talk to anyone about what theyre going through? like their relationships arent strong enough to open up, (even if the other person opens up to you about stuff). every time i talk to someone i feel like im either subconsciously pushing them away or saying way too much. my relationships are suffering so bad whether i tell people whats going on or i self isolate. i feel like i talk irresponsibly too. thats probably the issue causing me to be damned if i do or dont. even other people with bpd i struggle with at this point. i may be thinking too much about myself and acting weird but i cant help but anticipate everything i can do to make stuff worse because if i dont i just subconsciously make things worse. i dont know how to be free from this.

For the past three weeks (ever since COVID arrived in our city), our relationship went from being inseparable to barely communicating. We were both in distress but I would constantly reach out to him while he constantly bottled everything in. He didn’t speak to me for basically 4 days this past weekend. I got angry and ended things because I needed to have an answer and he didn’t have one for me. He was stoned and couldn’t convey his thoughts and emotions. He was using it as a means to numb his distress (which he told me he regretted during our sober conversation yesterday). I left after saying what I wanted to say and that we can talk more when he’s sober. We didn’t end on bad terms. That’s also what’s bothering me. All of my relationships ended abruptly and it was never my decision. It was easy to get over them because I would create such hatred for them. With us, we sat outside for over two hours and talked about everything that went wrong and what we should’ve done. I did nothing wrong, he said so and I know so. I reached out and he never took it. He bottled up all his emotions and thoughts and internalized them, punishing himself by not eating and not taking care of himself. I was in distress because all of my past relationships had phases where they didn’t speak to me. And it always ended in them leaving me. I was terrified the whole weekend. We both agreed that we wanted to be with each other. That we didn’t want to separate, but his mental health was struggling and he was hurting me because of it. And he didn’t want to hurt me anymore. It was a ton of crying and affection and sweet things that were said to each other. Now, I’m regretting ever dumping him. He said one thing that stuck with me. “If I had messaged you this weekend and not shut myself off, we could be having coffee and watching a movie while cuddling.” And that is absolutely destroying me because that’s all I want. It’s stuck in my head and I’m trying so hard to get rid of it, but it’s repeating. I was so at ease last night with the outcome. With how we left a little bit of room for a possibility in the future. And now I’m going insane. I can’t stop crying and my heart is aching for him. He’s coming over tonight to help me figure out what’s wrong with the PC my dad, brother, and I built last night. And I just don’t know what to say. I want to bring up that I want to get back together with him, that I regret dumping him, because now I understand why he was internalizing everything. All I wanted was to understand. I just don’t know what to do.

I recently was diagnosed with generalized anxiety and I think panic disorder I’m not 100 percent sure. I was given lexapro to help with my anxiety but shortly after starting it I got off of it because I had really bad side effects. I was then prescribed effoxr but I don’t want to take them because I have a fear of taking the pills now. I recently made the decision to take matters into my own hands and just work out daily. I completed my first work out yesterday and actually felt great. I’ve been staying with my sister because I have a massive fear of being alone now. (This came on when I first started experiencing panic attacks) I haven’t had a panic attack this bad in about two days when the used to be an everyday thing. Now I’m panicking because I’m going to be alone for about 7 hours today until about 12. I still have a plan to work out but I’m just freaking out because I haven’t been alone that long in awhile. If anyone has any tips for coping with being alone that would be much appreciated.

I kind of thinks it's because I know it'll get attention especially from my girlfriend. I have some self esteem issues I need to really work on. I seriously don't know why but I've started to cut my self, specially in my hands area because it's easy to play off as, oh I cut it washing dishes, or I cut it while I was playing with the knife.

I had a rough night questioning my very existence. U was raised by a top brass military father and a bible thumping mother. I had a bad night tonight, and for whatever reason the film Jarhead came to mind. I believed I'd earned my status as a BPD sufferer over the last couple of years, and I decided to make a permanent mark with some guitar wire and a jet lighter. That mark will forever ride with me. The stench of burning skin has stained my mind. This wasnt a self harm impulse. In a way, this was me forcing myself to accept my reality. Has anyone done anything to similar effect?

I have been on Lithium for over a year now. It has been amazing and I do wanna stay on it. However I experience nausea more and more, and I threw up from it twice recently. My bloodwork is in order (0.82 Lithium). My psychiatrist told me to go to the HP, which I will do. I don't know if its the Lithium or something else, but has anyone else experienced this?

At my former job I was really making an effort to be friendly and sociable. I wanted to make friendships with my coworkers because I have had no friends for nearly my entire childhood and all of my adolescence. (probably the root cause of all this bullshit.) Anyway one day the manager, who I thought I was really connecting with, was going to everyone, asking what they wanted to order from some pizza place and that they were all going to get dinner there after work, text your order to the Snapchat group, etc. She never once asked me about it or even looked at me. Knowing there are multiple group chats and they definitely talk shit about me in them. I have no idea how to explain it but her body language told me to stfu and not talk to her. Malice in her gaze. My coworkers who were all in it were on their phones, texting the chat and I just stood there like a fucking scarecrow. Anyways I had to excuse myself to go sob in the bathroom as I realized in that moment that I’m just gonna be alone forever and I am fundamentally unloveable. And that no matter what I do, people will always sense that deep down I’m a disgusting person. I quit a few months later for unrelated reasons. I just want friends so badly. But I don’t deserve them

It's been a half year, since I went out. I don't meet people. I'm scared of them. Back then my good friend told me, that he hates me, but that I drive him crazy sexually. It all clicked. He only wanted to fuck me all the fucking time. And his girlfriend hates me all the fucking time, because he told her. And because I cheated with him on my husband, I'm just a bitch. Everyone thinks I'm bitch and I can't go out. (I want to convince myself, that's all in my head, that nobody knows about it and if they do, they blame him and not me...I want to be convinced. My husband tried, my BFF tried. But I hate myself for it.) Everytime there's opportunity to meet my friends, I just bail out. I stay at home crying. An not one of them texts me. And it hurts. I need help and I don't know how to ask for it. I want to tell my friends what's happening inside my head. I want to tell them, that I'm in such a deep shit, that I cut word "bitch" on my leg. I want to tell them. But it's impossible. Everytime someone asks how I'm doing, I lie and tell them that I'm ok and usually help them. Because they need my help more than I need theirs...right? It's much more important to watch someone's cat, than ask for one single beer in a pub with that friend, because I wasn't out for a such a long time. Everytime I trust someone, it ends up badly. So I don't trust my loving husband and my BFF. Both of them loves me, but my brain don't trust this feeling. I feel like there's two sides of me. Emotional and rational. And the emotional one is now winning over the rational one. I want to go out. I can go out today. I want to dance. I want to party after more than year. I want to hang out with friends, that I didn't see since COVID started. But my brain won't let me. My brain took me hostage. I tells me that I don't deserve to go out. That I don't deserve to have friends and husband. That such a bitch like me doesn't deserve anything. But that rational side knows, that it's all bullshit. Luckily. Otherwise it would end up really badly. And I can't afford it anymore. I lost so much weight in that half year. My health is getting worse and worse and I'm afraid to go to doctor. I'm afraid that they will send me into psych ward and in my country everyone with BPD ended in really deep shit after they were in psych ward. So I ask help this subreddit. I don't know how ,out can help me. I don't know how to help myself. But I'm asking and it's so fucking hard to even write it here. Because you all are going through much serious shit, than I.

I'm not usually an anxious person. I'm a professional wrestler, been training for a while and was absolutely fine. The way our school is structured is you have beginners class, all the basics Intermediate class, more or less like beginners but they'll throw in a couple more complicated moves or sequences And advanced, this is full on, put on a wrestling match without planning anything. In this class you've got the best of the best.... and me I was absolutely fine with training, really confident in the ring until I got invited to advanced, even before my session I was broken, the entire day before and day of training I'm a nervous wreck, literally shaking, vomiting, having a full break down and I genuinely don't know why, I hate being like this, it's completely taken the fun out of wrestling because I feel like this now going back into the beginners class as well, I can't even watch wrestling anymore without that knot in my stomach Thing is, it is just the wrestling, during lockdown our school closed and I joined a boxing gym to keep myself occupied, absolutely no fear, no anxiety, I'd get in the ring to spar or I'd have a bout, complete zen You mention wrestling to me, I'm a quivering wreck. Is this something I should brute force my way through and hope it gets better?

Specifically, if I already have a policy, would I have to disclose it to the insurance company? Will my premiums jump up? Does it affect my family from being able to make a claim?

I have spent 7 years alone without any friends. I spent a year gaining and then losing over 200 friends. I don't know what to do or how to improve myself emotionaly. I want to become someone with at least 1 forever friend and a girlfriend, but I don't think that I deserve either at this point. I don't know if I am a bad person or not, but I still just want a friend who has time for me

Hello all, I made videos on some books I found interesting on psychology, anyway, my videos started gaining attention and fast. In a single day I gained nearly 8k followers and hundreds of thousands of views. I know this is a good thing, and has just begun opening the door to many opportunities for me, but I am experiencing debilitating anxiety. I have so many fears for worse case scenarios, I struggle with hate comments and assumptions made of me, I worry if any rigid family members will see it and we get into conflicts. I guess I’m just upset with myself that I can’t enjoy a good thing without anxiety taking over my mind 🙃 I’m wondering if anyone had any thoughts they could share

So this past new years eve, I took a bit too much delta 8 and ended up having a pretty bad trip. The most extreme part of it was the feeling of what I can only assume was a seizure, followed by this calming sense of clarity, in which I was convinced that this is what it felt like to die. Months later to now, my depression has been getting steadily worse. My anxiety flares up and I find myself WANTING to be confrontational and fight someone (coworkers, bouncers at shows, some lady I'm convinced is following me at Macy's) and usually after my depression kicks in and I find myself longing for that feeling of dying. I haven't found a true moment of peace without me either partying as hard as I can, or so hyper focused on projects/ hobbies I either lose interest or stop caring all together. I am thinking about trying to get back to that mental state again, if I can't physically kill myself, at least I could possible simulate that ethereal twilight feeling .

I genuinely can’t feel anything anymore. I have something happening soon that I’ve been looking forward to for years and I feel nothing. Even my partners love for me doesn’t reach my soul and warm it. I feel loved but deep inside I feel empty and numb. I’m never going to get better.

I don’t even know where to start, but I’m dissociating really bad right now because about 15 hours ago I thought about my past abuser (ex friend) and now I’m at the point of masking because my personality and everything is gone right now and I haven’t slept for a little over a day now and I can’t still. I have no one to talk to so I’m coming to Reddit. I know it might not be the smartest place, but I don’t know where else to go. Basically about 6 years ago (my freshman year of highschool) I met this dude and we became best friends. He was VERY gay or at least presented himself to be (this is important to know for the story) We were friends for probably a year and a half before I finally cut the rope after the 3rd time trying to leave. It started out fine. We were good friends, we got along super well, we laughed all the time, had the same humor, everything. But then he started to get weird. He told me and my 2 other ex friends (our friend group was me, ex abuser, ex abusers friend who would help him, she was a girl, and then our other friend who just sat on the sidelines and watched) that he was in to like dark magic. Mind you I was 14 at the time and a MAJOR people pleaser and they were my ONLY friends so I couldn’t just stop being friends with them because I thought it was weird. We were also a few months in to the friendship at this point. Now I don’t really believe in magic stuff that much I guess. I don’t have much of an opinion on it, but I do truly believe he was evil. He started getting really weird and using me because I would do whatever he said. I was a scared child. He was like 5’10 and I was probably 5’2 and he worked out. He didn’t use me sexually, but if I didn’t participate in his weird little rituals he would hurt me. He’d do this by punching me in the head or face or grabbing me super hard and pushing me or pulling me to wherever he wanted me to go. That or he’d get the friends to drag me or he’d get them to block the exits while they laughed at me while trying to leave. They all thought it was amusing seeing me in pain or seeing me full of fear. He would take all of us to the school auditorium every.single.day. And he called it the “quiet place” he’d make me go backstage where it was all dark, go under the stage to find “entities”, go in this huge pitch black back room alone and close the door on me until he said I could come out, or make me walk on the catwalk above the stage and trap me up there guarding the exit while him and his friend pretended to be possessed. Remember I was 14. We’d either go there or he’d take me alone to the woods by my house or with the group every once and a while. He came to my house almost everyday too. This is w where he started to touch me sexually when we were alone. He’d grab my boobs, lay on them and say they’re comfy, rub his foot against my legs, grab my thighs, hug me all the time, play with my hair weird. And he justified it saying he was gay. We even had a big girls sleepover once that my friend threw and he slept over sleeping right next to me laying skin to skin to me all night. But if I didn’t do whatever he said he’d yell at me, verbally abuse me, push me down, hold my arms super tight, grab me, punch me, hit me, throw me. Anything until he got his way. Even making the friends get in on it at times. Mainly the girl because she thought their brains were connected or some weird shut like that. This abuse went on for about a year and a half and it still affects me 6 years later even by just hearing his name. I started panicking last night because I thought of the coffee place we used to walk to all the time and how the road to it is pretty much in my backyard. I know this doesn’t seem that important compared to other peoples stories but it affects me so fucking much. Thank you if you read the whole thing <3

The only reason I haven’t killed my self is that I don’t wanna do that to my parents. I don’t wanna live anymore but i don’t wanna die. I’m just stuck in this nightmare. I never feel appreciated, I have no one to express my feelings too. None of my friends understand, I don’t have a therapist, I don’t have anyone. I’m gonna keep going because I have no other choice. But it’s just so hard.