Datasets:

Kanakmi

/

mental-disorders

like 9

I have suffered from depression and anxiety since school, but it got really bad in november of 2018, improved the following year and hit again last winter, when my country was in lockdown. The thing is: I have made a lot of progress over the last year and a half. I made my drivers licence, finished an education (I never graduated High school), started working on weekends as a tour guide in a lovely museum and thanks to the new medication I'm now taking for a few months, I even found the strength to work an actual job again. Part time only, but still... thats progress. And yet I feel terrible. It's not that I don't appreciate the things I have accomplished. My education, my friends, my new job (which is well paid, fun and not much stress). But I still seem to focus on the things, I don't have: A relationship, a social life, my own apartement, a general direction in life. I try to work on those things, but it's not easy to connect with people in these times and online dating was propably the most soul crushing experience of my life. (srsly, guys: Don't go on tinder, if you want to cling on to your last remaining self esteem!) My family, friends and therapist keep telling me, that I need to focus on the things I achieved and be gratefull for how far I have come, but no matter how much I try that, I just can't. It's not even, that I think, one has to have a girlfriend or dozens of friends to party with. I know, that's not all in life. But I'm lonely. I have NEVER had a relationship and just want to feel any form of emotional and physical intimacy. I dont even know, why I'm sharing this here. I guess, I just needed to rant a little. It's tough for me. When I'm at work or otherwise busy, I can keep myself distracted, but as soon as I'm alone, the loneliness comes crawling back to me. At least I don't have any anxiety attacks anymore like I had last year. So that's working out for me... Still, I don't know how much longer I can take all of this BS. Am I doomed to be unhappy? What if I won a million $ today or suddenly met a girl and fell in love? Would I THAN be happy? No, propably not. And that thought scares the shit out of me... (Sorry for any mistakes I may have made (grammar, spelling). I'm not a native speaker so it's hard for me to express those complicated emotions here)

I don't know where any of this is coming from. I am relatively successful. I have a PhD in chemistry, a well-paying job, etc. Lately though, I have been struggling with the fact that I am getting older (approaching 30 now, which I know is not relatively old, but it is for me), and I am starting to become terrified about the fate of my parents. I keep thinking about when I was younger, and they were too, and I feel so sad for them that their life has passed by but I still have so much time left. I am so scared for them to die. The best way I can explain how I am feeling is this dread of presenting something in front of the class. You agonize over it for days until it happens (much like anticipating death, whether it is our death or the death of others) and then that presentation comes and it's over before you know it. I can't stop thinking how life is nothing but a series of moments. We keep thinking about the future as if the future is something real, but it isn't. There is no future. There is now. A minute or so ago I was contemplating writing this post, and now I am several paragraphs in. There is only now. I just can't stop thinking about how my death will become now very soon, as will the death of everyone I love, and how everything is just approaching its end faster than we can come to grips with it. I don't know how to cope with these feelings. I am just scared of life, and I wish I never had to deal with this.

I usually keep employment at a company 3 months on average. The longest I have ever stayed at a company was 1 year & 2 months and that was after many incidents & a final written warning. I have been able to sustain employment as an independent contractor for many years, but eventually I lack the motivation to be my own boss. Does anyone else find sustaining employment difficult?

If this post seems a little erratic its probably a reflection of my brain at the moment. I'm not sure if its my BPD causing this hollow feeling of emptiness, but even trying the things I'm usually interested in isn't clearing the fog that seems to have enveloped my brain (I'm still somewhat motivated, have been at the gym and working hard regularly). One thing I know for sure is that I'm blessed to have a special loved one who doesn't even realise they're helping me stay attached to reality and engaging with my work / social needs. I don't feel myself falling into destructive behaviours, I'm not intentionally participating in risky behaviours and thankfully I'm not concerned for my safety. But I don't feel myself in the same way I did at the beginning of the year. Am I growing? Is this what it feels like to be closer to being neutotypical? I've grown so much, and I'm so proud of the progress that I've made over the past 3 years. I'm just wondering is it part of my process to feel disinterested?

Today is my birthday and I've spent the last few weeks hyping myself up that my ex FP would message me today. I don't know why, there was no indication that she would. I just thought she would because I did it for her. But, you know, she didn't. And she's probably not going to. And I don't want to be here anymore. Nobody understands what it's like to lose a FP. I'm nothing now. I can't stand it.

My new FP is so perfect. We work together. I'm obsessed, we had sex today in the car on our break and I made her cum, and we planned to do it again tmrw. But I told her I loved her over text todayand now things are weird, she hasn't texted me back.

Say something nice about me, and I will keep reliving that little dopamine hit for hours, trying to figure out what about me made you want to say that, and if I am really like that or if you’re just being nice. And since that’s obviously it, why would you LIE and make me believe I have positive traits, now I feel pressured to continue to embody them!

I’m ashamed of most my life , I’m still younge and hate the planet we walk on. I’ve gotten no where in my life I suffer mental illnesses I’m to ashen of to tell people. Because I’m to ashamed to tell people of my problems I can’t explain my quirks and differences. I’m to afraid and hate my own self image to much to express my feelings to people. I can’t tell people how I feel about them and am to socially awkward to tell people especially who I have romantic feelings for. I think of myself as a drip of water in the ocean never to be known or cared for. I’m a student in school so I understand my life haven’t even started yet but if I’m like this at such a younge age how am I supposed to live a normal life. I envy the idea of not dealing will mental illnesses. I have so much wrong I question how it’s even possible. Ps: I don’t have suicidal intentions, yes I contemplate if I’d be better off not living In the first place yet somehow understand I don’t want to die. I feel like my life contradicts my feelings and I’m lost broken and used.

I found this article to provide valuable information about hypomania and thought others may find it useful as well. https://www.bphope.com/handling-hypomania/

I am 14 (15 in a few months) It's weird because I've grown up in a good home, my family has never pushed me to do anything and my parents have always allowed me to be myself and stuff, i grew up loving life and i remember not caring at all what other people thought of me. I made friends effortlessly, I used to be the kid at the playground who walked up to the quiet kids and became friends with them, i remember life being so colorful and stuff, but the day i turned 13 it's like all the color washed out. Every day after school I just lay on my bed and do nothing and i have no energy to do anything else, i feel shameful because i feel so lazy and like a burden to those around me. I barely take care of myself and my room is a mess. The only productive thing i do is draw, because it's the only way i feel people can be proud of me and validate me. I want to do big things in life, but I'm just so exhausted and the world is just so big and daunting. I also have huge trouble socializing, I get really sweaty and anxious when attention is directed towards me and it's extremely hard to make friends. I feel like I'm such a boring person, why would anyone try want to be my friend and help carry my weight? Why would anyone want to get close to me? I have friends from when I was 10 that I still have today (they're online friends since I moved away) but I feel like we've grown apart. All of them are obsessed with love and relationships and parties while I hate going out and hate talking to others, I wish I could live out my teenage years but I feel like I'm stuck. I would talk to my friends but I feel like there's a large stigma around people who "sit in bed all day and don't do anything/chronically online" and they would just think I'm a loser :\^( I just wish I had people around me who could understand me, I wish I was normal. There's so many other things going on but I just want to get this out there, pls don't judge + sorry if the grammar or anything is bad.

Hi everyone, ​ I seem to always repeat things I swear I'll never do again, no matter how painful it was or how much I hated myself in that moment. I've said "never again" too many times to count, only to end up doing it again. I feel like my entire life has been me trying to "get my shit together" but I don't have the ability to be consistent with change. I know chronic impulsivity is a hallmark of BPD, but I can't figure out why this is and how other non-BPD people deal with mistakes and impulsive actions. ​ I consider myself high-functioning and self-aware, yet I can't seem to find a way to consistently improve and learn from mistakes (i.e. binge drinking, unprotected sex, oversharing with others about my life, ordering UberEats too many times). I can feel absolutely terrible about myself for something but as soon as that guilt/self-hatred wears off I'll do the exact same thing when presented with a similar situation. I can't wrap my head around why this is. Do I simply justify things in the moment because I don't care about the consequences? Do I just lose myself because I have no sense of self and lack consistent values? ​ I'm just getting really tired of hating myself and feeling guilty but not changing. I wonder if I would be more at peace with myself if I just didn't even try to change. ​ Anyways, just another BPD question that always racks my brain. Anyone have input? Anyone have a way to successfully control their impulsivity? ​ Thank you :)

As the title says. I’m so tired of being sick and feeling like a burden. Some pretty gnarly life events have lead me here. My poor boyfriend doesn’t deserve this. It’s so unfair that I can’t cope with anything and he has to take the brunt of it. I want to leave to be on my own so I can suffer in silence but I don’t want to lose him. I want to disappear for six months so I can go to therapy, get medicated, sort myself out, and then come back, but I can’t ask him to wait for that long. He’s got his own life and I want to be there to be a part of it. But I hate myself so much. It’s so easy to tick me off and I snap at him and spend the next half an hour thinking about how awful he is. And then I feel so bad because he didn’t deserve it. It’s an endless cycle and I’m miserable. I’m just so fucking sensitive because I need him so bad and I hate it. Get me out of this mind and body. Out of this hell hole. I want to be free.

He doesn’t know I have BPD. I never told him because he mentioned how he doesn’t want any fights or tears during our relationship. This was also the reason he broke up with his last girlfriend. So, I’ve been allowing him to do everything I hate for the past month because I love him. From going days without talking to me in order to save his independence, to not checking up on me after driving home from a heavy night of drinking. My emotions are bottled up, and I can feel this bottle expanding as time continues. Just the other day, he was FaceTiming his friend for a good hour while I was there drunk. I felt so unloved by him as he focused his attention on someone other than me. When he got off the phone, I was about to split. He kept putting his hand on my thigh, and I kept taking his hand off. As soon as I was going to burst in anger, he told me “why are you acting like this? please, don’t do this.” Then, I remember how afraid I was of him leaving me. All of a sudden my mood changed. I wasn’t angry anymore and told him how “I’m just feeling sick.” But, I wasn’t sick. I was hurt by his actions. So, he hugs me and I started crying privately in his arms without him knowing. Can I bear this any longer? Hiding my true self from him in order to protect myself from him.

yesterday i had a weird experience. it was about 10:15 in the morning, i just got out of the bathroom. and i hear my mom WEEPING, like really CRYING HER EYES OUT, from the other room. this wasn't her normal cry, her normal cry is a silent weep, this time i heard her straight up weep. i looked to my left and she was in her room on her phone. so i think to myself it was just a my brain hallucinating again. it just kept going, it didn't stop i think it went along for like 2 minutes. that was so weird.

First off, I have a really weird situation. About 2 months ago I found out I have bipolar disorder after having a really bad psychosis episode when I was in mania. This led to me going off the deep end and doing some really stupid things at work, and saying a bunch of extremely stupid stuff to HR and my boss. Right afterwards I took time off on medical leave from about 2 months ago until now. During my time off I've been applying for new jobs to keep my options open and I've been able to get one offer. So now I have two choices, go back or start a new job (salary is 65k for both jobs, both engineering jobs): **Option 1: Go back to my old job after taking medical leave** PROS: - pretty good work life balance - I know I can do the job and I've already gone through the training process, work is fairly interesting - some of my coworkers are really cool people - chance to redeem myself CONS: - shaky relationship with my boss after everything that happened - uncertain about my future with the company - might be awkward AF when I return - 100% in office 40 hours a week, no hybrid schedule allowed **Option 2: Accept new job offer** PROS: - fresh start - job is remote, get to work from home CONS: - would have to go through training process again, not sure how well I'll be able to do the job - less interested in the field that this job is in

Hello I'm new here. I met a girl a few years back and we became close, she has BPD This year we had an argument, one day she was saying I just love her for her looks and the next day she's asking if I want nudes, i said no and she went mean, so I said listen I need some time okay. She replied back straight away with the same thing and blocked me, she went quiet for a month then unblocked me saying I unblocked you because I knew you would think I hate you, I still need time, still no apology. Then I said it, what you said hurt me, I genuinely like you, it's got nothing to do with your looks, she then made a bunch of allegations that never happened, that I insulted her, I try to make her feel bad etc Boom blocked again! She's a youtuber and this week made a video answering people's questions, the first question was from a "friend/subscriber" the question was when do you it's time to cut someone out of your life with a whole bunch of reasons that were the allegations she made. Now here's the weird part, I got a message from a mutual friend about her Instagram posts lately and that youtube video, lots of stories with messages like, you won't hurt me again and I won't be the victim, you can't treat me badly because you're having a bad day etc, yeah they could be about someone else but even my friend was able to make the connection, we haven't talked for a while, why would she still be doing that? Sorry if I seem inconsiderate, mean or cruel, I honestly cared about her, but I really don't understand why she's like this, it's the second time she's been angry and mean, I just can't do it, she unblocked me twice and attacked me but never gave me a chance to speak before blocking me again Now im blocked yet again can I move on now, has she forgotten me? Again I cared for her, shes not a monster or a bad person, but my mental health can't take anymore of it at this stage of life.

I have extreme trust issues of my bf cheating ( mostly from his past actions) but I’m seriously weirded out rn. He was telling me he was making food and i said that he should bring me food and he just randomly replied with “ I do miss you” . Like huh? He says it was him trying to say that he would drop food off cause he misses me but I see no relevance of the response to the conversation… like it just feels like he sent in accident or something. If it was just like “yea I will bc I miss you” or just “I miss you” I would understand but saying “I DO miss you” sounds weird. Just me?

I (27f) never actually posted on here before. I guess im feeling very alone. I don't want to tell friends because I don't want them to feel like I'm being dramatic or they start to freak about the situation. Anyways, my fiancé (29f) cheated on me last night. Its honestly a hole wild story and its a bit besides the point just a huge smack in the face rn that pushed the bear a bit to far. So im back on my suicidal feelings and normally I don't act on it. I always tell myself I can not leave my cat. Shes 9 and has a pretty bad attitude sometimes but I love her so much. She can be such a love just isn't cuddly and likes to play with her nails. But she is also very shy, anyways I know that if she was to go to a shelter she would not be adopted. Shes to shy and will Scratch when scared. Which is fine with me because I got her when she was a kitten so we have very tight bond. I actually started thinking last night that I might take her to the vet to put her down so she doesn't have to live in a cage and eventually be put down anyway. I feel so absolutely guilty because I love my cat so so so much. But I truly don't feel like I can continue. Im honestly probably wont go threw with my suicide but I cant stop thinking what a POS i am for even thinking about doing tht. Im literally so ungodly selfish. Let me put my cat down so I can put myself down. Im so sick. Plz someone give me kind words and tell me im not a monster. Im just dnt want her to suffer after im done suffering. Thank💔

Today I turned 21 and it just made me realize how much I don’t have my life together. I don’t really have close relationships and I’m honestly just an emotional mess. You would think by the age of 21 you would have a sense of who you are and have built a couple close stable relationships. But I’m glad I’ve been here for 21 years, I know many people don’t get to live to 21 so I can’t complain too much. I guess I’m just scared for my future.

I hate feeling like everyone hates me. I hate picking apart simple actions and thinking that one small thing means they are mad at me or that they hate me. I hate having a disagreement and feeling like our whole friendship is ruined. I hate feeling like they might secretly hate me or that they secretly can’t stand me. What if they are just putting up with me because they feel sorry for me. Or that I’m already going through a lot and they don’t want to hurt me more. What if I’m doing everything wrong? What if they see me like I see myself, not good enough and not important? What if I don’t really matter to them? What if we never get close because they have other better friends? I hate always wondering when they will leave because everyone always does. I hate feeling guilty for opening up to them. I feel like when I do I just annoy them. I’m afraid of being too much and not enough if that makes any since. I’m tired of the daily cycles or just hourly sometimes. I’m tired of being paranoid in a way. I’m tired of being suspicious of everyone. I hate feeling ignored when I know I’m not. I feel always feel so left out. I feel like they don’t want to include me. I feel like I’m not included. I’m not as important as there other friends and never will be. Everyone is better then me. Im not worthy of their time or effort and I feel like they know that. I hate feeling jealous of my friends when they hang out (well online because pandemic) with their other friends. I feel like there’s this little circle of friends that’s I’m not invited to because we aren’t close enough. and every time they mention their other friends it reminds me of that. and now I’m starting to spilt and make them out to be a bad guy and I’m trying to stop it. I guess I think if they are a bad person then I can leave them and that means I’m not a bad person or unworthy. that I’m not like how I see myself. Because if I am then I’m unlovable and no will ever love me. I won’t ever have good friends. Also if they are a bad person then that means it’s good they are leaving. But that’s the thing they aren’t at all a bad person. They are kind and caring and good. So if they leave me I most be a terrible person right?

Im not sure if this is the place but im kinda lost. Im engaged to be married in August to my ldr bf. Which im excited for because he's the best thing ever. But my problem stems from my mother, she doesn't want me to leave. She seems to think im going to live with her forever. I can't its already driving me insane enough as it is. My bf is from Canada and she doesn't want me to go there. She expects him to live in this shitty country, he doesn't btw but she won't get it through her skull. Everyone else in my family is excited they're encouraging me to go experience life. Shes the only one who isnt supportive, shes afraid ill never speak to her again an with her behavior i kinda don't want to now. It came to a head tonight when she told me to think logically about this and not with my heart. I've done so much by pushing aside my own life experiences and feeling by doing what she wants me to do. For once I want to go with my heart. But shes made this whole exciting experience hard for me. I don't know what to or if this is even the right place, i just feel hopeless.

I was curious if anyone else felt anxious or really unsettled around the time of season changes? I’ve tried looking for more information but most online resources talk about seasonal affective disorder and it’s link to depression more closely than anxiety. Every year almost around the time of the winter to spring and summer to autumn season changes I become quite anxious and stressed for no apparent reason, making bit hard to sleep well during these times of year. I’ve only recently put it together and linked it to when I can really feel the difference in the seasons. I wanted to know if anyone else had experienced this or if it was just another case of over thinking things. If anyone has suggestions to help calm it that would be great too.

I’ve recently been been diagnosed with anxiety and depression. After a tough year, my work went into overdrive on micromanaging me after I had a bit of a stumble and I ended up having to be signed off of work after it caused me so much stress I couldn’t function. The occupational health therapist I was asked to speak to seems to think I may have had anxiety for a while now, everything that happened though made it all worse and left me unable to deal with work. I get to speak with the doctors about medication now as well. So hi. I’m new here.

I’m so traumatized and mentally I’ll to the point of being unloveable. I let myself go and it’s too late to go back.

So, I have always had severe depression. I went for lab tests about 2 months ago and I had a vitamin D deficiency. I have corrected this and I’ve noticed a drastic change in my moods. My mood swings and depression are SO much better now. I think it’s worth it to get your levels checked if you have depression, just in case. Thought I’d share. Take care everyone!

i live in the uk and have an assessment upcoming NHS with a psychiatrist (for BPD/other PDs). the dilemma i'm having is- I know BPD and other personality disorders are very stigmatising ones to carry. I'm worried that if i do get a diagnosis, will every doctor I ever visit see it on my medical records? or can I choose to not have it listed on my records, just as something I personally keep evidence of? i know stigma is a reason a lot of people don't get an official diagnosis. and right now i'm already getting counselling, CBT, and DBT which is helping, so honestly... if having the diagnosis might risk medical stigma for the rest of my life, i might be happy just never getting confirmation.

I’ll preface this by saying that I’m not trying to diminish the struggles of others, nor am I a fan of hate keeping but I have to say this. Borderline Personality Disorder is one of the nastiest conditions out there. I’ve lived with it for a 10-12 years now as a result of a TBI. I wouldn’t wish this hell on anyone. Knowing my struggle and the struggle of others like me; I’m absolutely sick and tired of all the trendy BPD shit, all the people claiming to have BPD, and all those completely diluting the meaning of an already misunderstood condition, at this point reducing it to an internet trend and meme. Quite frankly, if you don’t have a diagnosis or a medical professional has not at least brought up the suspicion of it then you shouldn’t be here claiming that struggle as your own, and you sure as fuck shouldn’t be using it or the idea of it for online clout. I’m extremely tired of it. /rant

Hi everyone. So I (F19) have borderline and i met this guy (M34) on twitter when i was 18. Some months after we started talking online he offered to bring me to Spain so i could start working as a whore here (I was living in Brazil at the time and was deep in depression and extremely suicidal. It wasn't a great life at all and my family wasn't supportive whatsoever). Well, i let my bpd take over me and i came to live in Spain with him right after i finished high school. After some time living and being stuck together in the same house due to covid lockdown we started bonding a lot and we ended up falling in love and starting a relationship. He's polya and before him i had only had one mono relationship when i was a teen. Yes, i have a LOT of daddy issues for him (i call him papa im a daily basis) and he considers and treats me like his daughter. Well, some months ago we started living all together (him, his other girlfriend and I). I've never thought id be able to handle a polya relationship like that (he's allowed to have as many girlfriends as he wants, but im not allowed to date other guys) but it was going well for some months and my mood swings and bpd symptoms were bad but i was able to continue on living. In our relationship i need a LOT of reassurance so survive since i was living together with his other girlfriend, which means i needed sex everyday and a lot of time together so i could handle my episodes. Well, some months ago his other girlfriend (she's got anxiety) had been rude and raised her voice at me cause it was her day to sleep with him and i ended up calling him to the kitchen cause i was having problems with the washing machine. That triggered me but i was able to handle it and we continued living together. Some weeks ago tho she started screaming in my bathroom (which is next to my room) and hitting the walls in my bedroom cause that day he was gonna sleep with her, but i was extremely suicidal and asked him to stay with me for some time (i told him to go sleep with her tho cause i knew something like this could happen). That day he decided to stay with me and she did that. Well, that day for me was the end of the line. That day i was about to jump from a window on the 11th floor of our building but i was able to stop due to the dbt tools i learned in therapy. After what she did my life in this house became hell. I wanted to break up but he wouldnt let me cause he knows i might kill myself once i arrive back in brazil (he's my FP). He ended up locking me up in the house and getting my phone everytime i started contacting my parents to take me out of this house which wasnt a safe place for me anymore. My life here living with her was PURE HELL. I got triggered everyday, couldnt leave my room due to her, anxiety all day, frequent suicide attempts and i had to even pee in bottles im my room cause i was too anxious to go to the bathroom. At that moment i knew i couldnt handle that polya relationship anymore cause everytime he was spending time with her of fucking her it would trigger me so much that id attempt suicide. I was so tired of having my bpd triggered everyday that i told him he could either let me leave the relationship and go back to brazil or he would have to break up with her. After some days he told me he had broken up with her and she moved out. My life's been MUCH MUCH MUCH better without her. I dont get triggered everyday anymore and i can actually enjoy life now. It was going well until some days ago i discovered they didnt actually break up and i talked to him about it. He said they had taken sometime but they didnt break up, but what got me upset was that he said that even if they split up he would still meet her and fuck her (which triggers me A LOT). I dont really know what i should do. I wanna break up with him and start a new life im Brazil but he still has me locked up here and i cant talk to my parents nor friends about it or anything. I dont wanna find myself again im that situation where im triggered all day and cannot leave. Ive told him before maybe im not fit for polya relationships and its better if we break up bit he disagrees. Please someone gimme some advicee!!

I find that when I get close to someone I’m not sure how I feel about them but after they leave or we lose touch I realise that I actually feel quite strongly about them but this could sometimes be months after my last interaction with the person, is it possible that I’m idolising these people after they leave because I’m hurt or do I genuinely feel like this about them

Does sudden and big changes cause anyone else to shut down completely? I'm having a time and a half having a panic attack and not being able to focus. All I want to do is cry. All I can do is cry and assume the worst and I can't help it when I feel so alone. When big change happens for me I become stricken with panic attacks, crying episodes, breakdowns, and emotionless and detach.

I can't remember the last time I laughed or genuinely feeling happy. Going to work feels like a hard work to do when all I need to do is just show up. I have lost my passion, I used to be so excited about making music, but now I can't even write anything without pretending I'm on it, I just can't. Tried new hobbies too without success. Me and wife is about to have our second kid, I'm not excited about it, all I can think about is fear. I don't know what I'm saying, I need a place to say this thing. I'm so ugly. I'm a really bad guy.

I just wanted to come on here and share what I’ve been through. I know when I was in a very dark place reading things like this helped me so much. I started feeling depressed in 8th grade. I felt like everything was pointless. I could barely take care of myself. I had bad hygiene and then it got to the point where I couldn’t get out of bed later in high school. Things seemed to keep getting worse and worse. I didn’t know how I’d crawl out of the hole I was in. I had bad friends, grades, health, finances, and a terrible relationship with my father. Once I graduated high school I promised myself I would at least try to help myself. I got into college through a program that allowed people to make up for their bad high school gpas. I worked at Starbucks all through college. I dated different people. I recently walked away from someone that wasn’t making me feel good anymore. I picked my friends very carefully. Now I’m in a much better place and I’m so happy I stuck it through. I’m about to graduate college. I moved to a state I love. All my relationships are better. I’m so proud of myself and I know if I can do it you can do it too. Please stay.

How can I make my brain stop thinking and hyper focusing on bad things? I'm talking about nights where I stay up and randomly start replaying a bad memory like a time where I ditched an event and felt guilty. I know those thoughts are inevitable, but I feel like it happens a lot to me and makes life more difficult. What do you guys think about?

I've been taking personality disorder tests recently because I know there's something wrong with me and indications for BPD were high in each test but I don't know if I can believe it just because they are online tests. I have ADHD and depression besides that, of course that's the only thing I know for sure. I was just wondering if there are strong telltale signs that you have BPD.

back in my teen years i had no real life friends, just online communities and drugs and heavy depression and scars but i was still "happier" than i am right now. now i have a decent job and many coworker friends but i feel miserable weekly. i befriended a coworker very well, he became my best friend quickly but then he quit the job. we still talked a while together but then he stopped this too. we had 8 weeks of no contact until i had enough and msged him on snapchat today, asking what's up and that i miss him. all he said was "nothings up what about you" and it was an obvious cold reply, i don't know why he left. i just want to be the loner again, i want to read books in my break and not be social since it only brings me even more pain

So I’ve noticed this a while back. When I get super depressed I usually turn to exercise. But then I start to become addicted to exercise in a bad way. I start eating less and lose a lot of weight quickly. I have to quit working out in order to regulate my weight loss. I always gain the weight because I lose interest and just stop working out because it causes a lot of issues. Last time I did this I became extremely anemic. As of right now I am starting to exercise and I have started to eat less. So far today I’ve eaten two eggs and the day is almost over and I feel fine being hungry. It’s not just starving myself but I start to memorize calories and nutrition facts for food and keep a log on my phone or some app and it reaches the point that I only eat 1000 calories a day. I’d really like to know if anyone gets the same way. I’ve always fluctuated between being overweight and underweight. It’s become an issue. I just need the confirmation that people get the same way.

When I'm in a stressful situation I get this pressure in face or sinus area. When I leave the stress or anxiety situation it goes away. ​ Anybody else get this? any idea on mechanism that causes it? Thanks

I suddenly started feeling stressed. I thought it'd pass, but I still have anxiety. I went and had everything checked out and I was told that I'm stressed or anxious. I started getting really vivid dreams that wake me up. Some nights I can't get back to sleep. I also get hallucinations when I try to sleep. I started panicking about having a psychotic illness. I went to two different places and they said this is normal when your anxious. It has been a couple years and I still struggle. I have days where I feel more like myself and then I get worried again. I'm just about 40 and never experienced anything like this before. I honestly don't know how to get relief from this.

I have moderate to severe anxiety. My anxiety about the virus was really high (particularly about my family getting it), and now both my parents likely have the virus (one is diagnosed, the other awaiting results). How do I get through the next few days until I know they are in the clear? I can't stop crying. I have to quarantine because I saw them recently. I am at a loss.

Lately I've been seeing my mental health declining rapidly, ppl asked me if I was ok. I am mentally exhausted from the amount of discrimination and Misinformation I see daily. I debunk everything and with my BPD it makes me look insainly angry all the time when in reality I am sad. I hate hurting ppl emotionally and I keep mentally destroying myself, I don't know how to prevent this from happening again cuz it's a thing I've been doing instead of making myself bleed every day. I am currently waiting for a response from that stupid dumb system that Québec has when it comes to mental healthcare. It goes to a point where I can't speak in public unless I am facing the public I am speaking too. It's really bad, every night I cry, write down my symptoms but I am scared of being judged or straight up rejected for writing notes about my symptoms getting worst and worst. Doing this made me realize that I tend to split more and more and my social situation doesn't help neither. I am happy that comming out as trans saved my life from a potential suicide, but I still have a lot of work to put on in so that I truly am healthy mentally (I don't really have much hope considering what I have). My friend recommended doing something I like, so I settled myself to finish watching neon genesis evangelion, it helped me a bit for a while, but once I'll be finished watching 1.0+3.0 I'll be left with nothing. Some social interactions just makes me feel a cluster of sadness and madness, mostly madness. The psychological and emotional abuse my dad inflicted upon me still hunts me to this day. I still feel like I am worthless, like I am a monster, like I am a bomb ticking down to explode in ppl's face and get mad again hurting both them and myself in the process.

I have always had issues making friends. I dont know what is it, its like i have a big sign on my forehead that says “avoid her”. I have social anxiety but I would still like to talk to some people or at least have people to hit up on the weekend. I was bullied alot when i was younger and my parents isolated me. Sometimes i wonder whats the point of anything when i dont get to share experiences with people. I feel stunted. I feel like people know something i dont. I never had a relationship and it hurts. Dont know how long i can live like this

I havent felt so serious about doing it in a while but I think I might. My mom just came into my room to try and talk me down but she made things even worse and just solidified in my mind that this is the right decision. No more pain.

Hi everyone, First off, I just want to say what a wonderful community you all have formed here. It’s encouraging to see others support each other without judgment. I come here often but have never posted. I don’t know if this is important to mention, but I thought I’d add it, I’m a 27 year old male. I was diagnosed in 2017 and subsequently un-diagnosed in 2019. When I began my journey, I was open with others about my diagnosis. Over time, though, I realized identifying that way made me feel othered, and I distanced myself from it. Whether I was right or wrong, I didn’t want people associating me with the label. Maybe I was wrong to do this, but I wanted to think of myself as more. The fact is, though, using a label has nothing to do with what’s going on inside. My emotions are intense. I don’t know how to control them sometimes. I’ve tried everything: medication, exercise, meditation, clean eating, talk-therapy, DBT. And for most areas of my life, it’s subsided. I heard this in a previous post,so I wanted to echo it: the symptoms crop up when I’m in a relationship. This is so true for me. I ended up ruining something really special today because I couldn’t let go how insecure I felt. At the time, being forthcoming about my feelings seemed like the right thing to do. Now, I wish I could take it all back. I’m so sad about this. I can’t sleep. My reaction wasn’t unfair or malicious. All that happened was she suddenly stopped showing any interest. When I asked if everything was ok, she assured me it was but also said reassuring a partner isn’t something she wanted to be doing. I pretended to be ok with it, but I couldn’t let the doubts go. Deep down, I know someone else in my position wouldn’t have reacted this way. I know it’s also just my predisposition to doubt, suspect, and worry about abandonment. I’ve lost so many relationships. I don’t know how to live along side the doubt. I’m always wondering: am I too needy or are they withholding? There’s always a case for both sides. I shouldn’t be so negative, this is really just a vestige of a problem that used to be a lot worse. That being said, I want to love and be loved. It just really doesn’t seem possible. I want too much, too fast, and with too much reassurance expected. I completely understand why that puts people off. Thank you, it’s helpful to share. I really appreciate how supportive and thoughtful everyone is on this page.

anytime i get sad or suicidal i end up like writting out suicide notes in my head. i dont know if anyone else does this? ive been doing it since i was a kid and im just wondering if anyone else experiences this.

So, I've had anxiety for a small bit and have recently learned a handful of ways to take care of it. One of these ways is through writing. By hand. No typing. This is only because I need to keep constant movement through my entire arm, it distracts me from some of the stuff going on around me (this works about 60% of the time, it isn't my go to, I just didn't have my earbuds with me). I'm a high school senior and stuggle in crowds big time. I'm not sure how schools work around the world, but in the US, we have 7 class periods. In my school, 4th period is the longest because that's when we have our lunches, which are separated in fours, a b c and d lunch. The teacher I have, Mr. A, is not exactly the best. As of when I am writing this, this is our second semester, and my study hall was changed between teachers so this is the first time I've had Mr. A. I have credit recovery so I have to do that during this class period. My old teacher, Mr. S, would let us sleep in class if we have probable cause. I am 18, have a job, am in an extra curricular, and still go to school full time. I have absolutely no days off and I help close at my place of work. I get barely any sleep. I use to sleep during his class because I could do my credit recovery on my 30 minute lunch break at work or pull an all nighter (nothing unusual for me). Mr. A, however, gets really made if it even looks like you're laying your head down. Onto the reason I'm posting: like I said, new teacher yells a lot and gets mad fast. I write when I'm anxious and don't have earbuds. I only had sticky notes and a red pen. This is the result Post-it note 1: I hate being this stressed... I want to go home... I shouldn't have come to school today... I'm so tired... why does my chest keep hurting? Why is my 4th period teacher a d*ck? Why doesn't he pull aside those who are falling asleep in class and ask if they're okay? He's not a very good teacher... I would tell him myself if I weren't too afraid to. Maybe I'll leave a note on the last day of school... maybe that'd do it? Also, why he so loud? Post-it note 2: I hate detaching my sticky notes like this... but they turn to so sloppy if I don't... not like my handwriting is any good right now anyway... my hand hurts already and im feeling sick, my gut is churning and I feel light yet thick in the head at the same time... my chest is worrying me too... why dies it keep hurting? I really need my ssc... I'll mail everything Thurs... Post-it note 3: I wonder if I have something really big wrong with me or if this is normal... H (my roommate) said she experienced the same thing during the same time period but she had also just lost her grandma... why do I keep thinking that my Llama sticker is a heart? I mean... I know he is pink and kinda heart shaped... but still... why don't I have a monitor with my desktop(tower)? I'm one of the only ones with that problem(we were in computer lab)... I hate watches that beep... they hurt my head... Post-it note 4: I can't believe I forgot my earbud at home... the silence is killing me... the only reason I'm not freaking out is because I'm writing down my direct thoughts... but I only have so many notes... I'm not looking forward to running out... The last one was written at 11:55 am, I only know because I wrote it on the sticky note. Sorry this is so long, I just needed to rant a little Thats how my day has been tho, I hope you guys are having better days than me

How are you supposed where to draw the line with your partner's battle with anxiety? Even if it gets really bad, is it *ever* a good idea to take someone in the midst of a panic attack to the ER when they are too scared to go themselves? If they refuse professional help beyond talk therapy, what are you supposed to do? It's a few days of "better" and then suddenly we're back to as bad as it's ever been. This is going to kill us both.

She stayed by me as I broke down and was ready to die. She was there for me so often despite the past bullying I put her through years ago. I shouldn't have been saved. I keep reaching out to her, so long after what's happened. I try hard not to, I often go several months without doing it, then one day, the pain becomes too much and I ask her to try and reconnect. It's so hard. I am such a fuck up. I've never had someone treat me so well, yet I treated her so poorly and would scare her with my anger due to way back when I bullied her. I bullied, I apologized, we became friends, now we aren't because I got too clingy. I just want her back so bad. I'd do anything. I feel so dumb and worthless. She should have let me die.

got out of a very toxic relationship with someone who was a very negative FP for me 2 months ago and finally a couple weeks ago stopped wanting to get back with them and now i’m dating someone in a relationship again. he’s very nice and sweet and caring and the complete opposite of who i dated before. he respects me and wants to spend time with me everyday and tells me how much he likes me everyday. i know he’s good for me and makes me feel good but it’s so good it’s making me uncomfortable? i feel nervous something bad will happen and also just uncomfortable with the fact nothing bad is happening. almost like it’s boring or weird. i want to fully LIKE him but it’s just weirding me out that nothing bad is happening and he likes all the “flaws” my ex hated. and that he is basically perfect. i don’t know, i don’t want to be treated poorly but it’s so familiar and comfortable it feels wrong without it. don’t know how to get over this, i’m hoping it goes away with time. i feel like i AM my ex now, anti to affection and kindness, splitting because it’s scary that i’m being treated well. i don’t like feeling like i am my ex in this situation. then i have pmdd along with the bpd and i don’t know if these feelings are just part of my pmdd cycle ending and the apathy i start to feel when i’m calm or uncomfortableness with being treated right.

Does anyone else suffer from regrets of the past when they had BPD. I still live in my hometown so I will occasionally see people from the past and fear that they will judge me. I even fear it when I don't see them directly. How do you deal with this intense regret and shame of actions that you have committed in the past while in the throes of BPD?

I feel like Sylvia Plath. I feel so empty inside I’m just writing horrible poetry in a small journal In the dark. And crying on top of it, can’t forget the cherry on top. Back to sleep I guess. I can’t even will myself to drive to the store or go out into sunlight because I’m so depressed. It’s funny how no one sees that I’m depressed. They just think it’s normal to look dead inside and sleep all day. I guess that’s what happens when you turn 30. You turn into dust and disappear

I have bipolar disorder and tend to ruminate and worry a lot during depressive episodes and these tend to go through cycles. In one episode I might spend the whole time thinking about how I’m such an awful person and feeling guilty. In another one, I worry about my health a lot and feel like I’m dying, in another one I think about what a loser I am and how people must be laughing at me and judging me. Does anyone else experience this?

Friendship advice for a very anxious person. Please let me know if this isn't ok to post here just wanted advice from a group who would be understanding of the difficulties you can face with anxiety. I got out of a long relationship at the start of the year I mostly hung out with my bfs friend group so when we broke up I felt pretty lonely. In still friends with the guys but not super close. My best friend of one of their gfs, 2 other good friends left the country in Aug so this left me feeling way more lonely. Another thing is my ex was quite critical of my friends so that coupled with my anxiety has definitely let me pass on potential friendship opportunities. I became part of this fb group for my city compromised of women who want to find friendship. I always looked through but never messaged anyone or attended any event as I feel so anxious about it. One night I had a few drinks and I messaged this girl who had posted she replied the next day saying she was going for a walk and picnic with another girl I was quite busy but I didn't reply I then started feeling really anxious because I wanted to reply but was scared and didn't know what to say and these thoughts kept cycling round in my head anyway I left it and now it's like a month later. I feel awful because she seemed cool and the other day I was so upset as I felt I had no one to message to hang out with and I know its my fault as I let my anxiety come in the way of these potential opportunities. My question is do you think it's ok to message her and apologise and see if she wants to hang out etc I just don't know what I should say. I know this will scare me buy I'm prepared to step out of my comfort zone my anxiety has held me back for so long.

Hi guys, During the job application process, I would always enclose that I have a 'long-term mental health condition.' Usually, there's no option to expand on this. What do you ask for in terms of reasonable adjustments at the interview? I would really love to ask for the questions beforehand but I'm not quite sure if this is allowed. I've been on the job hunt for four months feeling really down and just going through motions and feeling numb. I don't know if it's self-sabotage, lack of confidence/impostor syndrome or what but I always mess up on the finish line. Today, I received a 'no' from a big firm two weeks after my final interview. I have two interviews next week so really hoping I get my shit together. My anxiety has cost me so many opportunities.

there will be hours or days where i will be obsessed with my boyfriend and i want to be with him forever. then other days like this morning, he texted me his usual good morning text and it triggered anxiety in me. i started thinking that i don't want a relationship i don't want anything to do with him i don't want to talk to him or see him. he gives me anxiety now and i really don't want to be his girlfriend. but then i know it'll soon change back to me being obsessed with him again and it's so exhausting. i just don't know what to do. i don't know if i should end the relationship or just push through and hope it eventually stops. but this is so frustrating for me :((((( please help give advice or input or anything please thank you

i am in my late 20s and I am extremely shy and have a lot of social anxiety. I am scared to tell my coworkers that my brother lives in the US for fear they will google him. He did a phd in his field and he would be easily searchable. Scared they will judge me and say he is rich for example because of where he works. He has a top position in his field. I am also scared of them finding it weird of why i have not shared this with them before. Does anyone have any help? How can i stop worrying so much what people think of me? I am seeing a therapist and i am planning to go to the doctor to get medication. Its really draining living like this. Any advice?

I recently started taking anxiety meds(Recita lite) and was wondering if there were any significant or not so significant side effects?

[24F] There's an entire subreddit about how this antibiotic will ruin my life. I'm scared but apparently this is a very strong bacteria and it is the only way to deal with it. Has anyone had a similar experience they can share?

I'm not asking for a diagnosis here. I'm just asking if I should consider talking to my therapist about BPD. Let me tell you about me. I was diagnosed with depression in 2014 and then was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder with Rapid cycling in 2016. I've attempted suicide multiple times by overdosing and have been hospitalized several times. I used to self harm a lot too. I have had a lot of anxiety problems too but somehow I've managed to get through college with great grades. If you ask about me to a lot of people college, they'll tell you how empathetic I am and how I rush to the side of anyone who's going through problems. I have made a lot of friends although there are very few that closely know me. I've fallen in love with two of those close friends on two different occasions (not at the same time. And they both rejected me). I didn't want to lose their friendships so I stayed as a friend with them but faced severe abandonment issues with both of them...leading to lots of problems in the friendships. When I feared her leaving me, I even blocked one of them on social media and didn't talk to her for 9 months after which I apologised to her and asked her to take me back as a friend. Since I've been supportive to her on so many different occasions, she accepted me back and I've been careful not to hurt her ever again since. I've also hurt the other friend equally bad under different circumstances. I've been hurt badly by those two women too, in many ways. The point I'm making is, I have had a very tough friendship with both of them but somehow I have made it work for so long. I still resent them and hate them sometimes and cherish them dearly as friends on other times. (I'm still not over one of those girls yet.) They're both good, noble women at heart but I'm unable to be a good, stable friend to them (I hate myself for that and I've apologised to them for that too). My other friendships have had a lot of problems as well, although these two women have faced the highest intensity of it (maybe because I was deeply in love with them). Plus, I relate with other BPD symptoms as well. I always have this chronic emptiness inside me. I have anger tantrums that make my parents walk on egg shells around me (and I hate myself for that). I've been abused by people and ill treated in many ways. I don't wish to rant about everything in this post so I wish to leave those details out of this. I feel like my moods are out of my hands and can change even in an hour, which is not a very common characteristic of Bipolar Disorder, from what I've read. I can go from pissed to hyped up to depressed all in an hour. I have obsessive thinking patterns, inability to concentrate in practically every thing... I don't know what I should do. Should I talk about BPD to my therapist?

How can i be so fucking useless, i tried doing something easy and it ended up pissing off everyone. My parents are mad at me bc i undestood things wrong. They say they are not mad but i know how they are like, i know they are pissed off and dissapointed bc i did things wrong. I just want to dissapear

He just tells me to lIvE iN tHe NoW sTop WoRrYiNg AbOuT tHe FuTuRe anxiety Isn’t something that you turn on and off it’s a continuous Issue that goes on and on my parents failed me

How do you get over an ex you want to be with even though they tell you they don’t ever want to get back together. He still will talk to me and hang out with me however it’s only as friends I want more and he makes it clear with words that he doesn’t want me back but will get angry if he knows I’m speaking to other guys. Even though he is on tinder and bumble and told me his talking to girls. What do I do I feel like I’m being used but I can’t stop because I only want him and no one else. It’s so overwhelming I isolate myself and I don’t know how to move on I don’t have friends I can distract myself with I have my family but it hurts so much and I don’t want to get emotional and take my frustration out on anyone so it’s easier to be alone and feel sad and cry. I know the answer is to just suck it up and move on apparently each day will get easier and only time will help but I’d love to hear from someone else with BPD who has been in a similar experience and moved past it. Sometimes I just want to die because it feels like it would be easier. I wish I was normal and could just be like the other girls who get over guys and move onto the next they make it look so easy but here I am two years of this game with my ex I sometimes tell myself it’s all just a test and if I’m a good person and patient he will take me back one day.

how do you not feel left out and like people don’t want you there? because i was playing games with the two of my friends and we were calling but then my phone died. they started a new call but for some reason i didn’t join. i also ignored them when they told me to join because i’m just stupid like that when i caved and joined the call it felt different. i wasn’t enjoying myself anymore and i started making up all sorts of different things in my head. i ended up leaving the call and getting off and they‘re still playing. my friend just told me to join them and that the game they’re playing is fun and i want to, but in my head they don’t really want me there. she’s totally just saying that to be nice i hate the way my brain works because for the first time in a fucking while i was genuinely happy and i just ruined it for myself by making tonight something its not i don’t know what to do. do i join them? or do i just call it a night?

Hey. 25 year old M, a doctor. I have had trouble with the idea of living in the past, fell into the bottomless pit of alcohol and weed as a student, nonetheless graduated without a bump in the road and often felt like killing myself. Attempted once in a for of rage under the influence but a friend came to rescue. Abused antidepressants and anti psychotics. Never decided to visit a psychiatrist because always had this impersonator complex, feeling so fake evn when typing this as if do I have a real problem or am I just faking it. I have been mentally well from the start of the year upto a couple of months ago but the urge to kill myself just doesn't go away. Anytime I feel bad about something, my internal narration goes like "well not for long because I am going to kill myself". I am not even scared, I just feel like I have forgotten to feeling of a lasting happiness or joy. I snap out of happy moments into a pit of despair and nihilism in seconds. Actually I did read a lot of nihilist and pessimist literature at one point which helped me cope with the ideas pf futility of existing and help me relax but now it just seems like I don't have much time. Just wanted to share this here because I tried telling this to a few people and idk, i just feel like I am crying for attention or I get off of burdening people emotionally. There's this guy feeling of imminent end, like my mind is fixated to the idea of commiting suicide in near time. Idk what I should do. I just wanted to let it out.

Basically what the title says. I've basically given up. Not going to kill myself (in the near future at least), but I've stopped caring about everything. Im smoking more than ever, gaining weight, not talking to anyone, trying to get fired, not sleeping etc... I've sort of just accepted that I'm too far gone, and that my life will always be shit. I'm just so done with trying to be "better".

Long one, sorry... My GF has been pretty stressed out lately and I've been trying to console her on stuff, but it's getting me down as well. She is tapering off lexapro and seroquel because she canceled her insurance due to it costing so much. And figured that she could just save the money she'd spend on health insurance every month and put it into an emergency fund. She noticed the effects and I think they're hitting her harder now. Every day for the past couple days I can see it in her, the light fading...Yesterday she called me having a panic attack, says she's been feeling paranoid and told me she was scared she might hurt herself. I rushed home from work to be with her....and it was all "what's any of this matter"..."I'm broken and I'm never gonna get the help I need"..."you're gonna leave me because I'm crazy"..."why do you love me?" I tried, telling her how much I loved and appreciated her. That it's okay to feel sad. That I'm not leaving because she is depressed. She didn't leave when I was. What kind of man would that make me? But I couldn't get through to her. There was nothing I could say that would give her any kind of hope. She's had a hard life and all she see's in her future is struggling. I don't want that life to for her. I just kept reassuring her I loved her and promised I wouldn't leave. She calmed down a little bit, and we went to a park for a walk. Had good conversation about life in general, gossiped about some friend drama, laughed, total 180 and it made me really happy to see her happy. On the way home she talked about her music and that I hadn't shown much interest in it unlike every single other boyfriend she had. That she's going back to school in the fall not because she wants to but because she thinks that what I wants and if she doesn't go and make more money I will be disappointed. While I wouldn't mind us having more money I don't want that at the expense of her happiness. She doesn't want a normal life, she always had this vision of being a singer. Before covid she was going to move to California. But she didn't move and ended up meeting me later. And because of me that dream of her has died and she just doesn't have anything left in her. It makes me feel like I've ruined her life. I want her to be happy, I'm going to try and look for a new piano since the last one was a loaner from a friend. But how do I keep from drowning while trying to rescue her? I just wanna cry. This was originally an asking for advice post that turned into a rant. I think I'm gonna go cry on my lunch break today.

I don’t know if anyone else feels the same but everyday as vaccination rates go up and management keeps slipping in the usual “we will be seeing each other very soon” during online town halls, my anxiety gets 10x worse. I’m in Canada and we will be almost fully vaccinated by September if not earlier by August and our company had already started talking about hybrid work plan so maybe 2 or 3 days we get to wfh. My main issue is that I also suffer from BDD (body dysmorphia) because I’m a 5’5 male. I recently switched jobs and my new colleagues have not seen me in person yet and I feel like their perception of me would change a 100% once they meet me in person or idk maybe they might be kinda surprised/shocked. Add to that, I haven’t been doing that great at my new workplace and still struggling to catch up and learn the new business. All in all, just really stressed out and feeling panicky about having to return. Maybe I can get a therapist again and get them to write me a note allowing me to wfh post COVID? I used to suffer from ocd so maybe I can use that as an excuse till next year?

Last night I actually screamed at my brain. I went to bed at about 9pm. Woke up at 11 and my mind started wandering to everything I've ever screwed up. I tried gently reminding myself, "It's fine, Angela. Just think about something else." But I couldn't. It wouldnt STOP. I look at the clock after tossing and turning for what seems ages and it's 6am. I finally broke down and started kicking and punching and screaming at myself: "Why? Leave me alone. Let me sleep. Let me be happy. I want to be happy. Let me have control. Give me some FUCKING control. Let me LIVE. Who cares if I've fucked up in the past? I'll CHANGE. LEAVE. ME. ALONE." But it won't leave me alone. And I say "it", but my brain is a part of me. How do I fight myself? How? The only thing I've ever been able to do is make music to communicate with other people about what's going on with me: https://soundcloud.com/realxintani/time-is-up But no one REALLY GETS what I'm saying in my music, do they? I know they don't! I've shared it trying to get some sort of connection with ANYONE to not feel so fucking alone. But all the responses I've gotten are: "Wow! You're so creative! You're such a great musician." FUCK. OFF. That isn't why I made it. I made it so that someone could relate to it and say, "I understand EXACTLY what you're saying." My lyrics are plain as day: *"Please don't talk about my sins to them,* *Or use me as a gossip trend,* *How could anyone understand how hard it is to swim with bands around my hands?* *I sink. And you stand there staring at me with your eyes in disbelief?"* ... But they fucking DON'T. GET IT. I've been looking up BPD and how people see us and it's so fucking awful. I'M the abusive one? *I* am the one who doesn't take responsibility for myself!? I've never hit anyone. I've never "abused" anyone. I'm constantly abusing myself without trying to and dealing with the consequences of it by isolating myself.

I know I’m splitting but I don’t know how to handle it. It’s like I’m not even angry anymore, just empty and weird. I have two friends who are a couple and in a close friend group with my partner and I. They’ve done a few things recently that have really upset me - they’ve been unreliable and hurtful (i.e. not following through on commitments, assuming I was pregnant and showing due to very minor weight gain, etc). Haven’t split, we’ve talked the stuff out, they’ve apologised. Now I was supposed to stay at theirs when I had to come into town for something important, which we’d agreed on - when I checked in, they said I never said I was coming down, and that they had friends staying over. I had to find a last minute and expensive hotel instead while they’re going out for drinks. And we had spoken about it - they’d offered to have me stay. Now they’re saying it’s a miscommunication, but it’s clear they’re implying it’s on my side. And it’s like I snapped. Not at them - but I’m just done. I know realistically that they’re my partners friends too, but it’s like all of the crap theyve done recently hit at once and I’m just exhausted and disgusted by them. Does anyone know any good tips on how to manage splitting on people you know you shouldnt?

Hi guys, pwBPD here. Here's a breakdown of what happened: I'm in internship, it's not that great and tiring, but I can actually handle it. On days where I'm manic or very depressed, I impulse rant on my main with lots of followers, because I get no reaction on my spam/when talking to one person only. At the moment I am aware it's a bad habit, but I don't care about the consequences AT ALL and only switch a few days later. Someone took screenshots of my strongly worded rants, sent it to my boss, and my boss told me today. It went surprisingly well given the shit I said, and his temperament. I thought it would be over for me but all is fine. But anyway, I realised a pattern that's been around since I was 16 (I'm now 19), and it's that I actually have no opinion on situations but tend to amplify what other people say + small opinions of my own such that it becomes so much louder than other's comments, and it's like my body is on autopilot, as if performing to be a world-class shit stirrer. Almost as if it gives me that gossiper personality that can reel in lots of friends. I have no awareness of it, and only realise how horrible I am a while later. I guess it's switching. Same happened when I was 16, a friend was gossiping about someone, I joined in, mirrored and amplified it so much more, then she used it against me and they still think I was the one who started shit talking. I want to know, do other people here deal with the same issue regularly? Is it a common thing for people without BPD? Or am I just an asshole? And why does it happen? Thanks lots, hope everyone here is doing ok!

I don't know who needs to hear this, but to the person hurting - this will not last forever. I know what it is like to feel hurt. I'm sure we can all relate to being hurt in one way or another, whether that be minor or major. I want to remind you all that you are never alone. I am so thankful for this subreddit where I can share my experiences with like-minded individuals and for them to understand really helps. Someone close to me is hurting and I don't know why. Maybe you have someone like that at the moment as well. Maybe you don't know the reasonings behind someone's hurt, and most of the time you won't need to. My DMs are always open on reddit for anyone to message me if they need someone to talk to. I can't promise I can give you all the answers you are looking for but I can try my best to make sure you aren't suffering alone. Above all, you are doing an amazing job. You've made it this far, so why give up now! Cliche I know but you were put on this earth for a reason. I'm also a Christian so I will put a bible verse here. Even if you don't believe in anything, this verse helps to know that you aren't alone, and the hurt will pass away. **Isaiah 41:10** "Don't be afraid, for I am with you. Don’t be discouraged, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will hold you up with my victorious right hand." Light and Love :)

Sometime I would like someone to tell me what is right or wrong, because I just don't understand people sometime. And I can't ask the internet all the time for everything.

I hate doctors and their shitty superiority complex (TL:DR at the end) I have this problem where I get extremely nervous when going to the doctor. Its not fun for anyone. I also have an extreme fear of injections. I see one and I start feeling uneasy, I think about any kind of procedure that I’ll have to do with local anesthesia and it makes me hyperventilate and go into a full anxiety attack. When I get vaccinated (which I do cuz its 100% important) I need to have someone with me to hold me while the nurse gives me the shot because Ill be crying like a little bitch. Another thing I have: terrible teeth. I have this genetic thing where my teeth have shitty enamel so I get caries super easily. It sucks. Today I went to get a routine dental cleaning which went fine, we also talked about my wisdom teeth that will have to come out at some point and how Id like full narcosis, not local because tbh I do not want to go through that kind of stress and I dont want the dentist to have to deal with me, in panic and screaming. She was super nice and understanding, she even said that most likely full anesthesia will be possible but that shed have to see with the doc. we did some x rays and in comes the dentist. He looks at my x rays and starts going off like oh you have six holes that we have yo fix. okay fine. Is it because I dont brush well? he cant tell (acording to the nurse or whatever its called its not, I should just chew more gum, which no one has told me before damn). We talk about the wisdom teeth and if he can tell me where to go and he starts asking me why Im so scared and that injections aren’t so bad and what it is that scares me, no understanding for anxiety at all. I could really tell he was judging and belittling me by the tone of his voice. So we move on to the caries I need to get fixed. I ask him if we can do them without anesthesia. I already had to have four of my molars filled because after having braces and not being able to brush my teeth (I had like metal rings around the molars) they were completely eaten up and my former dentist (who retired) agreed to doing it without and it was fine. This mew dude really just starts being like wth I doubt this is possible do you really prefer the pain to a small tiny little inhection. YES I FUCKING DO. The four molars that I already got filled had deep holes, I could feel with my tongue that a chunk was gone before I filled them up. it hurt like hell. I prefer that, I really really do. I could just tell he thought I was childish and being silly. I could tell he thought Im stupid. Im not a complete idiot, I can tell when people look down on me. after he left I had a complete breakdown, the nurse tried to calm me and tell me that chewing gum after eating out helps. My brushing seemed fine but I have to do it immediately after eating. It frustrates me how every doc tells and prescribes me something else. Some say oh yea ur teeth r bad but you brush well so just use this special mouthwash. now its oh use this gross toothpaste, mouthwash, always chewing gum blah blah. Im just sick of it, Im sick of my teeth. The thing is this isnt the only doc that has been like this. My GP too wasnt understanding at first, neither were most of the others Ive had to go to. Im just frustrated because Im being belittled by a doctor that then wonders why people dont like going to the doctors. Its not helping. at all. if instead of belittling me he was understanding and gave it an unbiased try I would want to get all my teeth done, now id rather let them rot because honestly I am so scared of the next time Ive been crying since I left the dentist. I know not all docs are like this, my old dentist was lovely and so so understanding, but its just all these other experiences that have made it bad. thanks to whoever has the energy to read all this I appreciate ya TL:DR Im sick if being looked down on because Im scared of injections and not being treated nicely and with respect when I ask if my dental procedure can be done without anesthesia (filling caries, Ive done that before) or with full narcosis.

Anybody who is taking Prozac did y’all also get like manic it during the 3rd week because right now like I’m in my third week and I am feeling emotional and my mind is racing and I’m self-conscious Like the first two weeks were great fantastic amazing And if anyone has amy advice on how I can help myself

it all started around 2 years ago when i was 16 and my gf/ friend of the last 4ish years breaks ups with me and then lies the entire time about it and then after this happened i wasn’t completely destroyed, i felt sad but i knew it was going to be over eventually and by the end of 2021 i am completely over her and don’t think of her and i don’t really have thoughts or anything like that, skip a few months into November of 2021 i move into my apartment and i have a good job and everything is amazing, by this time i’m 18 and i’m celebrating my brothers birthday with all of our friends and i’m drinking and i drink a little too much and wake up with terrible headache and sour body and i thought it was just a hangover and i would be good tomorrow but the next 3 days i sat in my bed calling into work and crying in pain, after 3 days i cal my mom to come and get me and take me somewhere, i go to the doctors they say nothing is wrong with me and im a little low on blood and water, they send me back home and i go home with my mom for a couple days, and then go back to my apartment, while this is happening i have started to form some sort of conscious in my head that keeps talking over and over, i ignore for the couple days because i have almost never had that happen, i am the most non-chalet person and me having these worrying thoughts was just not normal for me, a week goes by and i go back home to talk to my mom and tell her how i’m feeling and telling her how i can’t live with those people i was living with and i couldn’t keep the same mindset of my old self, after a month it gets worse and we are in January now, i quit my job because i cannot leave my room, i was glued there, my mind was everywhere, all of the things in the last 18 years start coming back to my so tasty it makes me so scared that i didn’t even digest what was actually happening in my entire life , everyday i have had thoughts and they don’t stop, i don’t see an end to this, i’m confused on how everything just went south really fast…

As soon as I step foot in stores I start chanting “I’m scared, I’m scared.” Because I really am scared. My mind gets all blurry and hazy and I feel like everyone is staring at me. Sometimes I get dizzy, or feel like im going to burst into tears. My senses become heightened all of sudden. Things are louder, people are everywhere I look. I don’t know what’s happening to me. This happens all the time when stores or busy or I go to a crowded area full of people. I hate feeling like this.

hi all! i have “significant bpd features” (i think my psych was just trying to avoid giving me the diagnosis for insurance related reasons) and my main struggle is with splitting. especially with my boyfriend, who is incredibly patient with me, but i don’t want to keep hurting people who love me. what tips have been the most helpful for you in managing splitting and intense anger? what have you told your loved ones about how to react to splitting to help you calm down and think more rationally? thank you for the help. this sub is so helpful to me, although it’s my first time posting, i love the community. reminds me i’m not alone in this! :)

Hey there guys :) Im currently starting to date a guy and its pretty hard for me to give him space and not idealize him. My last boyfriend died suddenly a few months ago which caused trauma to me. Now i do wanna meet new guys again and also devekop a romantic relationship by time but im overwhelmed about dating. I realise i am a lil too fast and i ask for too much rn. Please dont be rude or anything I know that i need to work on it :). So spread your best advice or lessons uve learned on dating or trying to get mor serious with a guy again. Thanks for your help :)

Hey all, SO I'm a classic case of Borderline. One of those classic, no impulse control or filter, reckless, emotion intense, angry, lost, suicidal people. I've had 5 suicide attempts in 3 years. After two 16 week intensive DBT courses and about 20 week one, 3 years of therapy, I'm starting to catch myself using skills without going to the survival handbook. Maybe its prolonged sobriety and a slight kick back on meds that is doing it, I'm also celibate and single so I'm not dependent on male attention like usual. However, and whatever the concoction used, I'm finally catching myself in slumps now. I stop them before they spiral. I'm catching when my mood changes and am starting to accept more. Not everything is perfect, I'm nowhere close but it's huge when life is really shitty and for someone like me that thinks that suicide sounds like the best answer and I......now talk myself out of it. When the mood is slipping I.... change the mind into positive. When I feel like blowing up, I..... stay level. It's a freaking work in progress but all I can say is stick to the DBT, talk to an individual therapist and practice the skills until they become natural. Also my recommendation try some celibacy and sobriety.... it's sure as hell working for me. I just wanted to give some hope to some of you out there that are struggling. Whatever concoction works for you... find it. If it doesn't work keep looking for the right one. I'm just soo happy that after years of struggle I'm starting to see a light at the end of the tunnel ( in this world). I really hope this testament of it going away will help some of you. I'm doing better!!! I really hope the same for you!!! Love yah all!!!!

28/m/he him. I was diagnosed with bipolar type 2 about two years ago (manic depressive type 2 is what it was officially) I’m currently on meds that work most of the time but I feel like I’ve just gotten used to them and old issues have risen back. Right now my current issue is love and dating. I’m a gay man, but it seems like no one for years wants to invest in me and I’m constantly wondering why I’m a red flag to people. I can’t keep my apartment clean. I have trash everywhere and it disgusts me, but I can’t find the will to clean. During my “up weeks” I find myself wanting to go out, drink and do drugs just to feel good, and during my down weeks I don’t want to see anyone, talk to anyone, or do anything. I’m losing interest in everything I like, until I get my up week again. I hate my job, but it’s not worth finding a new job because the pay being offered everywhere around me is not worth the hassle of quitting my job. I have one reliable friend who is amazing, but i can’t find the courage to tell her my current mental state and I’m unsure why. I really want to die, but I am too coward to go through with it because if I do it wrong, I don’t want to suffer in my last moments. I’m not really sure if anyone can really help, but this thread looks like a fine place to dump my feelings. My job, nor other jobs in my area allow me the time or money to see a therapist. Insurance isn’t good and I work like 50-60 hour weeks and I’m always tired.

I used to never practice trumpet as homework for my trumpet lessons. This would result in me hating myself. This cycle lasted months and each week I hated myself even more. But I broke the cycle and practiced nearly everyday! Even if it was just for 10 minutes!

For those who have been in the therapy journey for a while, please share how you stopped/began to stop hurting your loved ones with: Spiteful words Angry text paragraphs Intense emotional drama Ruining events and holidays Splitting causing hate towards loved ones I’d like detailed instructions to apply immediately please. What is a good indication you can show yourself that you aren’t justified/You aren’t in the real world?

A sort of feeling like tingling or something is crawling on your chest. I often get this and notice my chest tighten a little and get a little short of breath.

Male, 21yo, 140lbs, no physical health issues. ​ Its extremely hard for me to think. I live off an almost 100% muscle memory formula and almost always make decisions based on current desires or what I have seen to be the correct choice based on past experience. These desires are specific to things like, what form of entertainment do I want to see next, what food sounds good, or should I drink that last bottle of Smirnoff Ice? ​ Even now, when I write this, I am only able to think of the words, nearly one word at a time. Sometimes if Ive seen a sentence before, I can remember it and use my MM to write it out and see how it sounds before moving on or giving it a pass. ​ Its totally blank when I try to form creative thought. I would say its white, but that would require me to think that its white and thats difficult. ​ When faced with any sort of task, I usually end up staring. Lots of staring. I do my absolute best to form rational thought, hell even coherent thought would be a godsend. However what always ends up happening is my hands do the process instead of my brain. And boy let me tell you that more often than not, my hands are a lot stupider than my brain is. I have no thoughts to guide my actions, so I end up running off of total electrical signals from my brain. No guide, just impulse. ​ I do have the ability to daydream and recall memories. And boy does this happen frequently. Im sure it takes up 99% of what goes on in my head. ​ I suppose I have a one way ticket to any loony asylum I want, but I am now curious as to what you all THINK. This is not a joke post, I am suffering from this problem and would greatly appreciate any help or support. Thank you all in advance. ​

ive been diagnosed with bpd for about 4 yrs now and i dont think ive ever had a designated fp. it makes me feel really left out of bpd spaces tbh and sometimes i feel like im faking. i think i compensate by getting upset if i feel abandomment from anyone period instead of 1 person as ive come to understand what its like lol does anyone else not have a spesific fp im wondering if this is an okay experience

I had been living with a girl the past two years, I thought I’d figured myself out because I was feeling quite strong and stable. But I’ve just moved in with a new girl and she’s anxious and not very stable, and now I’m behaving and feeling anxious and less stable. I’ll really just mirror anyone huh.

Hello people. Before receiving the diagnosis, did you ever feel like you were living in a cycle, over and over again? I've been thinking about this for a LONG time, but I only recently correlated it to bipolarity.

In a moment of "clarity" i broke up with my girlfriend and told her not to get back with me and I'm regretting it now but she won't take me back. Im panicking. I feel like I need to get her back, like i can't survive without her. I can't be alone. I need help. Ive been self harming because of it. I just want to die. Or not have BPD. Fuck this probably sounds so stupid i just don't know what to do. She says she wants to wait at least until i recover to get back together but i don't know if she'll wait for me, and i don't know if I can do this alone. Our relationship was kind of toxic because of me but I love her so much and just don't know what to do.

Hey, I'm really confused. I have OCD and I suffer a lot from it. Intrusive thoughts after intrusive thoughts. Also I suffer from very intense mood changes, I go from neutral to really depressed with suicidal thoughts every couple of days. My psychologist thinks it might be bipolar 2 but I don't show signs of hypomania or uplifted mood that we know of. I'm just either neutral or extremely depressed, never with uplifted mood. I have thought about BPD, but I don't identify with most struggles that you guys unfortunately present in this sub, but one of my big Intrusive thoughts is that my parents are getting old and I fear losing them, they are my big strength in fighting the OCD and the depressions, they make me feel less lonely and talk to me a lot when I'm feeling bad. I don't know what would be of me without them in this world and that makes me really really sad and anxious that i might lose them when I think about it. Like REALLY bad. But other than that I have no problems making or maintaining friendships, I don't get really that sad when my friends "reject" some plans with me. Also I'm not impulsive and I never get angry with people and I don't self harm. Is it likely that I have BPD still?

tl;dr at bottom. TW: SELF HARM MENTION, SUICIDE MENTION, EATING DISORDER MENTION at the moment i genuinely really want professional help because i’m very worried i’m going to kill myself soon. for the past month i’ve had to either lock myself in my room or sit outside every night to keep myself away from anything i can use to do harm. i’ve recently realized i’m a trans man, so that’s why the suicidal ideation has grown so intense. i don’t want to leave my family and i don’t want to do this to people i love. but i don’t even know where to start with getting treatment. i’ve managed to hide my eating disorder, personality disorder, and self harm for the past 5 years, and now i’ve hidden my trans-ness for about a month. my mother constantly praises me for “being so well adjusted after all the trauma [i’ve] been through.” and openly considers me the rock the whole family is able to lean on. even though she says all this she makes it clear she’s genuinely there if i need help. however, i can’t help but feel i’d disappoint her by revealing that i’m not doing well. i have been lying to her for my entire life. i can’t imagine what knowing that will do to her. my father is very anti-therapy. he doesn’t even believe adhd or add exist. let alone the slew of other mental disorders i likely have. luckily i don’t live with him anymore, but i still want his acceptance. and i know me being trans will trigger him to at best berate me constantly and at worse cut all contact and take my mother back to court. tl;dr: i’ve hidden an eating disorder, what i’m almost sure is bpd, severe self harm, and being trans from my entire family for my entire 16 years of life. how do i even start addressing this with my family? it’s just so much information to ambush them with.

Any top tips or advice you wished someone had told you when you were a teenager?

I try not to think about it too much, and I’m still trying to get past it, but sometimes it comes creeping back into my mind. I know she doesn’t want me and has never wanted me. She may have acted like it, but that was a lie. Now she’s with someone. I try to keep going and try not to bother anyone about it out of fear of being ridiculed and shamed. But I can’t escape it. It’s the nagging reminder in my head that goes on about how much I fuck up and push people away. I’m worthless. I hold absolutely no value to anyone. People say there are others and that I’ll met someone else. That’s not true. I can’t honestly believe a lie like that. Not when I tried a dating app and matched with someone only for them to unmatch with me moments later. If that’s not a sign, I don’t know what is.

This relationship is ending because of my lack of control over my emotions leading to me hurting a disrespecting him frequently... which makes me feel so broken and fucked up because I never *meant* to hurt him and I never *wanted* to hurt him but I still did because I didn’t control myself enough. On the bright side though I somehow respectfully told him thank you for the relationship and all he’s done for me and apologized for hurting him and even offered to still be friends after we both heal from the breakup... which is a victory because yay I didn’t lash out and tell him it’s his fault and I hate I’m ect ect but it really sucks because I feel like I’m giving up and I just want to beg him to stay and cry and lash out because otherwise it feels like I’m quitting.. very bittersweet victory Really just want a drink now :( but trying to stay sober

I've noticed that I'm slipping back into a depressive episode, I'm self isolating more and not going to work on the excuse that I'm "sick". Barely eating or getting out of bed to do anything. I used to drink heavily to deal with it but I stopped drinking for a year now and I don't know what to do. It feels like everything is too much, too loud, but I seek companionship so badly. The fact is I really need therapy but can't afford it. I'm a csa survivor, abuse survivor and just recently witnessed my friend's death. I'm really struggling with alot of unresolved trauma

Today I have a really bad tightness in my chest. I had a good 10 hours sleep last night, but the night before I only had about 4 hours and it affected me for the rest of the day. Do you think this tightness in my chest is lingering from yesterday? I didn’t have a panic attack but had this same tightness in my chest and like I’m struggling to breathe. It really annoying because I haven’t felt like this for ages

I've had a super rough week and needed to de-stress by just doing nothing. I'm a teacher and while I love my job, sometimes it is hard to be "on" all the time and handle my emotions. I told my boyfriend for the last couple of weeks I needed a day to just be but he kept wanting to do things and I kept saying yes because I am a people pleaser. Then I went out of town with my parents for a couple days on a mini vacation and was getting home earlier than expected. I texted him to say I was coming home early because I was excited to see him sooner. He responded saying he was going to his friend's parents' party and that if I wanted to I could go. I didn't want to go and said I didn't want to go. He kept saying if I wanted to go, because his parents who I haven't met were in town from out of state and I got angry and said I didn't want to go. I split on him and went off because I really felt like at that moment I was being pressured to go. So this morning he dumped me. Now I'm in my don't want to get out of bed and want to just cry depressed state. I don't blame him for dumping me for splitting on him. We had issues. I was paying for everything and he paid for nothing. He cooked all the time for me and he apparently hated it. We both were unhappy and just didn't know it. It just sucks because I don't want to be this way. I don't want to be the angry rage monster. I don't want to hurt people and yet I do. I have my first dbt appointment on Wednesday and I'm hoping I can do better in the future so I won't hurt others too. I hate who I am so much and if I could, I would do anything to be different.

Got 3 fillings about an hour ago i usually dont get anxious about the dentist but when he gave me anaesthesia i stated to worry it felt like he put alot in and i also swallowed some etc idk it just felt unusual i couldnt stop worrying at the appointment but told myself itll be fine hes a professional but afterwards i cant stop feeling anxious that im gonna die because the anaesthesia.

For someone struggling to deal with bpd it makes it even worse that my partner is “normal”. He’ll never understand the intensity in my emotions, how it literally crushes me and causes me physical pain every time we part- and i’ll never have that reciprocated either. It breaks my heart that he doesn’t long for me the way i do him since he’s my favorite person and all. I know the attachment i have isn’t healthy, but i crave so badly for him to be attached to me that same way. Right now I feel unimportant, like a background character to him. It makes me literally want to disappear. does anyone else face the same struggle with their nuerotypical partner?

I’m absolutely exhausted and so burnt out on everything. School doesn’t help and makes things so much harder. My favorite teacher (I’m in high school) who knows about what’s going on in my life just left and I have no more energy for school. Is it appropriate for me to take even just a week or so off to focus on my mental health? I think I really need it, but I’m not sure if my school district will allow it and I also feel like missing a week would cause an overwhelming amount of stress because I’d be behind in classes. I’m so stuck and don’t know what to do. Please give me suggestions because I really need to figure something out. It just isn’t healthy for me right now

I've especially noticed a lot of gay women talking about their partners, love interests and exes through a BPD lens, but that may be a cognitive bias on my part because I'm also gay. I had a search online and there does seem to be a higher rate of lgbtiq people with BPD. Anyone else noticed this, and maybe why this is the case?

I feel extremely guilty after saying no to anyone, plans, favours etc. To the point that I barely say it. Now that i’ve been trying to set boundaries I feel a crazy amount of guilt when i say no. Especially if I’m saying no to spend alone time or socially recharging. If anyone has tips on overcoming this guilt/anxiety please share!