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Kanakmi

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mental-disorders

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I had an epiphany wich is that I feel bad because I’m a bad person. My parents are two cruel people. Its logical that I’m no good too. BUT I will make it up. I will slowly (nothing drastically ofcourse) go out of people their lives/let them leave and forget about me and when I’m all forgotten (wich will take max 3-5 months) I think of ending it. I can donate my money to charity. I did just buy a house tho so I need to figure out how to have this debt to be forwarded to anyone who knew me. No one will miss me (cliche but the truth since I don’t have anything good to offer). Maybe my parents will be in shock (those are the only people who will know of my death.) but their relationship with their other daughter isn’t that good too. So maybe this event wil be a katalyst for their better connection. I’m actually doing alot of people a favor when I’m gone. That brings me some comfort. Ive been fighting this depression for so long. You attract what you are. I am a bad person thats why I attract all these thoughts and feelings. I truly deserve this and its liberating to see this

I finally found medication that stopped my head from being so full. I didn’t even realise how noisy it was until it stopped. Unfortunately I have put on a huge amount of weight since I started it and so it has been decided that I’m to switch to abilify instead. This means tapering my quidiapine to nothing before starting the new one. This all started because I wanted to up my dose fml Which is seriously horrible, I feel it when I miss a single dose and I’m now almost 24 hours without and I am really anxious. I’ve taken everything else that might help, including a diazepam and propanol and CBD, but I’m just feeling awful. The doctor said it’ll only be a couple of weeks. She really has no concept of how bad it is and this is only day one! I’m worried that the new one won’t work as well and that in the transition I’ll fall back to bad coping strategies.

Long but definitely worth the read! About 3-4 years ago I was put on medication because I had went to my previous primary doctor for a checkup for I don’t even remember but my doctor and mom were talking about anxiety because I can’t even go to a doctors appointment by myself because of how nervous I was all the time about everything. So my doctor at the time told my mom what about trying Zoloft so I did thinking nothing of it. I didn’t even know what anxiety was at the time. Then I started seeing a counselor and in that same office there was a psychiatrist my counselor recommended me trying that she said would help with my medicine more so than my primary doctor. So I did I went and saw him I Don’t even know how many anxiety was at the time being on Zoloft but all I remember when I first started experiencing full on anxiety was, that I had saw a new doctor for a check up because I was experiencing weird itching down there and she did a blood test and apparently the Zoloft caused Weight gain that I didn’t even notice until looking back at pictures of myself how much weight I gained. That blood test showed I was one point over in the pre-diabetic range. So that threw me into a huge panic attack for the first time I ever had a panic attack in my life. I experienced my first bout of derealization and depersonalization it felt like I was in constant panic after receiving the bad news about being ever so slightly pre diabetic. It lasted about the next 4 months or so. I had panic attack after panic attack like I was living in straight panic like the attack came on day 1 didn’t go away ever it was just there constantly 24/7. In the worst of it all I developed insomnia, full body tremors inside my body and constantly felt that I needed to pace around and I couldn’t sit still it was the worst I’ve ever felt in my life. So we tried Zoloft and when I told my psych about the weight gain we came off then we tried peroxitine and citalopram which I don’t think I gave enough time to work so that’s why we switched so much because I was looking for immediate relief not something that took 4 to 8 weeks to work. So my doctor put me on Valium which I feel like somewhat helped but coming off was hell. I was experiencing tremors for about a couple weeks until I was fully off of the medicine. Then I went and saw a different primary doctor and she put me on Effexor. That really helped my anxiety a lot I was only on 37.5 mg so I thought if I came off my anxiety would still be the same as it was on and I won’t have any more anxiety ever again I was wrong about four months later I developed a really bad panic attack for the second time in my life went to the er countless times over it and I finally told my doctor to put me back on it even though I gained weight from it I’d rather have the weight gain then have horrible anxiety. Now I’m struggling whether to stay on again because it’s helping my anxiety or to come off because it’s making me gain so much weight that I’m worried about diabetes like what happened when I took Zoloft in the beginning. I really want to come off all medication but I feel like a s soon as a month or even years later off I’m going to have panic attacks again and I’m afraid of derealization or depersonalization because that the symptom the medication definitely have basically cured me from. So now so torn with what to do I know anxiety medication definitely helps my anxiety but it just has made it so hard to come off. I would like to eventually be medication free and live a normal life like I was before Zoloft even if I was considered shy. I didn’t develop panic attacks from being shy or any of the symptoms I do now. And it sucks I don’t know how to deal with it. If anyone has some insight on this please er me know what I should do! Thank you if you’ve made it this far!

Will I ever get out of this hell?

anxiety makes you go against your own practicality. it makes you participate in behaviors you wouldn't normally participate in that disown all logic, values, morals, and beliefs. your priorities settle to an animal level, which is our natural baseline. but we misinterpret this shift as dangerous because of our ego that was created by the complicated games of our society. in an anxiety attack, you'll do things that go against your human constructs: "embarrass yourself" in front of everyone, screw up the order of things, miss opportunities, etc etc… all things you were taught you needed to harness well in order to survive up until this very point. therefore, it makes sense why it feels like the threat keeps intensifying during a panic attack, getting worse and worse and worse, because we're essentially "losing" all that stuff for a brief period. but it's all an illusion, and your mind secretly knows that. the reason it doesn't stand out as much when you need it most is because it still sees those beliefs that got us to where we are now as useful and important. so next time you have a panic attack, you'll know why !

Does anyone get these sudden brief but strong sensations of suffocating? Often when I'm trying to run I get this intense feeling of suffocating, it feels like my chest is being squeezed and my breath can only come out, not in, so I usually cough and it subsides. It's like my lungs are being squeezed. It really troubles me because it comes with exercise, very rarely do I get that sensation in other times although I feel air hungry sometimes even at rest, usually after an exercise session. I've had an ultra at my heart and a Holter but still can't tell if it's just anxiety or something serious. Does anyone have similar experiences? Can this type of sudden brief suffocating chest squeezing sensation really be just anxiety, especially when it comes along with exercise? Exercise in general tends to trigger my anxiety or make it worse.

so just recently i my psych had been leaning towards the idea of me having bipolar 2 (i’m a f15) but she he’s waiting a little bit because it’s too early to tell. i’ve experienced sleep paralysis and hearing some things but last night i had a breakdown/episode and started seeing visible cats. i was completely sober and when i talked to a councillor on the phone and said it was normal with the mania. i need someone to explain because i can’t see my psych because of the whole covid pandemic. please help

I guess I'm starting to realize how much of the world is orchestrated by criminal activity, government corruption, underground labour, etc. Etc. It's nothing new to me. But it just fills me with such a sense of isolating sadness. Like, what is the point of society, civilization, laws, police, security, etc if so many fucking people just choose to pursue their innermost desires by whatever means necessary? Take for instance the cartel. Their passion for their desires in life overrule their idea of respecting laws. They have their own civilization in terms of respect, honour, principles, economy, etc. It makes me sad to think that I have those inner ideas too but I've just been trained to obey society's laws and neglect the idea of achieving what I want through whatever means necessary, or like murdering someone who disrespected me, etc. This post could be a lot longer but I'm trying to keep it concise. I am just some typical privileged white North American guy who has been talking to his coworker from Kosovo and his description of life In his home country has been unreal: nobody respects the law, police don't care about anything, the mob rules everything from the underground, the list goes on. I mean I know in developing countries shit gets real. But he is a normal guy and it just shocks me that he's so at peace with his complete, raw, lust for life. Whereas here in North America the goal seems to be to be as law abiding as possible, or you're a bad person. But everywhere else, it's all about just pure unfettered desires for the thrills of life, like sex, gambling, guns, pride; pure word of mouth existence. Undocumented lives lived to their fullest. I'm not hating. I can get it. It's just such a depressing shock to my feeble pale white North American sugar coated soul. Whats to become of humanity if so much of it peacefully coexists with their degenerative behaviour?

I joined Reddit over a decade ago and every once and a while I’d come across other young people worried they wouldn’t do anything with their lives. They wouldn’t figure things out. And every once and a while an older person would offer advice on how it will all work out. Back then all my friends were like me. Then I moved to Thailand for a year and it felt like I figured everything out. But after I just came back home and regressed. In that decade since all my friends found careers, love, and real lives outside the chaotic swirl that is your early to mid 20’s. But now I’m 38 and it feels like I’ve spent the last 10 years hiding from my anxiety about “making it” in life. Hiding from the fear that things won’t work out. Hiding from my own demons I carry of emotionally neglectful parents & being queer (bi- intersex) Professionally I tell people I work free lance writing; which isn’t true. Well it’s partly true but mostly I live off a small amount of money as my Mom died last year unexpectedly. But that money won’t last. I wake up each morning and the only thing that comforts me is thoughts of suicide, that I eventually phase out of and feel better and I start my day. Every day of the week I have a repeating solo activity. Either something like “I’ll go here and get some work done” Or I’ll go downtown to this neighborhood. Or I’ll see my Dad. Etc and some days I want to do those things. Other days it feels like searing pain. But I do it anyway. In my early 20’s I had everything I lived in another state, I had a long term girlfriend, a job, a life that was challenging and meaningful. Every obstacle in life I confronted. Life felt exciting, beautiful. But now after a decade of avoiding everything I wake up everyday convinced this is all my life will be, just maybe with even less friends than I have now. I have a decade of experience telling me “you can’t change, because you haven’t”. I am the manifestation of what every young person fears they will become. But I’ve actually become it and I feel suffocated by it. I feel like there is no way out. I’m trapped.

Hey, this is a very complex topic but I just want to her **!!your view!!\*** about yourself. I want to know what do you think about yourself. ​ ​ I think Im very harmless I never get into fights (expect very rarely verbal fights). I never caused damaged because of my disorder or anything. The worst I did was being annoying or hurt someone feelings. ​ ​ ​ ​ \*I know the underlining of the word looks stupid but people will answer everything expect the question and I have unfortnatly a very short temper in this regard. (sorry about that, I believe most you will get it right) ​ ​ One Love

For some reason I am desperately in love with someone who doesn’t feel the same amount of love that I do for them, and yet there is someone else that wants to treat me really well and give back the same amount and I feel very little towards them and often avoid hanging out with them. Why is this? I’m so frustrated and angry with myself. It’s like I only want what I can’t have. I don’t feel strongly towards people who would be good for my mental health.

I'm afraid of dating because I feel like I've reached the point where my depression speaks for myself. I feel like my brain is damaged from depression and all I can think and speak about is negativity and all the unfortunate events that happen to me. I used to be someone who despite introversion, could have a proper conversation about many subjects, I would read about many things so conversations would be very rich, but now I have lost interest in pretty much everything and feel like the most boring and dead inside person. A nice guy I just met on a dating site wants to videocall to get to know me better and I feel like shit, like I will end up saying something negative or will be very distant because of depression and I'll just scare him off. A part of me thinks, I should just be alone for the rest of my life because who would want to be with someone as miserable as me, but another part of me has dreams, and really wishes I could meet someone to have a beautiful relationship because I am so fucking lonely, I don't have any friends whatsoever because everyone has hidden intentions and I don't have much energy to socialize anyways. So yeah I try and try but things just don't get any better. I hate this existence so much.

Before i start, I know I am to some extent just splitting on my therapist and psychiatrist (they work together) Basically, I got a severe allergic reaction to my antipsychotic and had to be hospitalized. However, this wasn't the only medicine I am on (I have been on mood stabilisers for a year now and they are so helpful). To be safe, my psychiatrist TEMPORARILY put me off ALL my meds which I get - and I survived. But the thing was I only made it alive, I have been suffering from severe mood swings that my family has to deal with, dissociation and just so much depression and exhaustion. BUT, because I'm still alive and mildly functional (I am doing better than I was last year) he decided to make me stick with no medicine. AND IT IS FUCKING HARD. i feel like a slightly better version of the old me. I am getting better but I need my mood stabilisers to sustain me rn as I work on myself ESPECIALLY DURING THIS FUCKING DEPRESSING PANDEMIC. I have resorted to toxic coping mechanisms again and I am trying really hard and I know I am doing better overall - but the energy feeling better without medicine drains is just ughhhh. I just hate my psychiatrist so much right now, he has no fucking right to decide what I FEEL when I clearly am fucking struggling. i tried explaining but idk I didn't want to sound like a fucking druggie. And my therapist doesn't understand either, she just expects me to suck it up and work on myself. SOMETHING I WAS ALREADY DOING. But now t is so hard cuz I am crying and snapping all the time. Sure, get me off my meds when I'm ready, they could organically lower the dosage BUT NO! My lamitor dosage was so high that it exceeded its upper limit - do they not realize how much I'm suffering cuz they just completely cut me off that. I'm not addicted or anything BUT I NEED IT AT LEAST TO SOME LEVEL TO FUNCTION. UGH IM LOSING MY FUCKING MIND SORRY

I’m currently reading The Body Keeps the Score which is an amazing book about trauma and PTSD. I started reading it because I have been curious about how traumatic past experiences may still be impacting me. <p> After a while I started to feel a bit fraudulent, Trauma Olympics style, and figured I must be doing ok. <p> Fast forward an hour and I just had to call the cops because a guy was outside my apartment screaming hysterically saying he wants to die. Now I’m lying in bed after necking a diazepam and praying I don’t have nightmares. Fuck this.

I had such a severe panic attack tonight. My worst I’ve ever had. I could not unclench my feet and hands and my muscles were shaking, I still have severe nausea. I cannot sleep. I don’t know what to do. I have no gravol and I feel like this is going to last forever. Please, amy helpful tips or even just soothing words will be helpful right now.

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My mind is a weird place, the best way to describe my brain is a saw movie (those really fast spiral movements where you see the people trying to get out the traps, if that makes sense). I'm only a teen. I don't deserve this. I was having a mental breakdown due to dysphoria (I'm a trans boy) and my mother just wouldn't listen. She told me, over and over, "you don't understand, this is what everyone feels like". She doesn't understand, if everyone goes through dysphoria like that, shit I feel sorry. I just want her to call me by my real name and pronouns, but she refuses until I see a counseller (I've been waiting for months and it's going to be a few more months until I actually see a counseller). I don't know if I can hold on that long. She claims to support me but she won't listen to a thing I say about how being trans is different from just having body image issues. I have shit friends that joke about suicide and other shit you shouldn't joke about. I couldn't even imagine coming out to them, they would just laugh about it. I feel like I'm going insane. I'm very good at maths and have been in top classes since primary. However, lately I just can't seem to wrap my head around things and I can't concentrate to do things properly. Maths is the only thing I'm good at, but I'm slowing getting worse. One of the people I hang out around makes me feel like I'm going crazy. She greets me the same way every morning. Her stupid voice pisses me off. I hate her so much. She says she's stupid but she is in top classes for EVERYTHING. She walks like a fucking elephant and it makes me want to rip my eyes out. I only see the bad in people. Im a terrible person, I have vivid daydreams of murdering people for the sole reason that they don't agree with me. I have obsessive tendicies, like WHAT DOES THAT MEAN I DON'T WANT TO KNOW IM NOT NORMAL JUST STFU. I don't want to go to counselling anymore, it's making me insane. Everyone sees me as a girl. I wish they would just see me as a boy. I hate everyone. Movies are the only good thing in this world. The world is a terrible place and your just sitting there being distracted by 'fun things'. People don't see the reality. Life will never go your way. I don't know what to do. I don't want to get better, mental health is what makes me myself. Anyone feel the same way? Help

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As we all know , jealousy and a bit of paranoia comes with having BPD. My boyfriend usually texts me once every hour but these past few days his texts have been becoming less and less frequent and he doesn’t say “babe” that must in text messages anymore. Today he took hours to text me back and turned his location off for a bit . Is it okay if I ask him “ if everything between us is okay? “ or does that sound too needy or annoying?? No judgement please , I know I may be overreacting

The last six times I’ve been admitted, they said I could leave whenever I wanted. I’ve never been to this facility, and I wanted to ask questions before deciding if I’d be admitted, since my allergies require abnormal accommodations. The first ER nurse I saw said there’s an allergist on staff, getting my hopes up, but from then on... I was mistreated by the ER staff solely based off my diagnosis on their screens. I went to the ER to address my (not yet diagnosed) allergic reactions, which have been causing me to have obsessive S.I. around the idea that I’m able to self-induce a severe, sometimes deadly, allergic reaction. I’ve been overwhelmed about how my allergen is everywhere, and I want to know how to avoid it, as well as get some other advice from a professional. But instead, the ER staff treated me as if I was on a delusional breakdown obsessing over my allergy. After hours of sitting in the room with no one having spoken to me, I asked to get my stuff because no one was addressing or believing my medical concerns, and I have midterms this week to focus on. At that moment, they said if I left they would get the police to arrest me and take me to the county psych facility. Cool, now they threaten me after disregarding my main medical concerns. So, how exactly did my voluntary stay all of the sudden turn involuntary? I was then asked to sign “consent” forms even though I did not want the treatment. What? They need to change the name of the procedure... When I told a nurse about the first one I saw mentioning an allergist being on staff, he said “I was the person to take over for her and she told me she didn’t say that.” .....But I had literally just spoken of this for the first time, so how could he have known to ask her when he took over her shift hours ago? Called him out for that. They said I was being evaluated, but I didn’t speak to a psychiatric-focused doctor. I asked to speak to the person doing the evaluating so I could properly advocate my story, and most of the staff said “90% of the time we have someone in the ER to evaluate you, but he’s not here today.” But when I asked again, a different nurse tried telling me that I had spoken to the man earlier. HA no way bud, I’m calling you out on that too. I’m not delusional like y’all think, and I could name every single person that came in to my ER room. I was really depressed when I first went in, but them forcing me to stay and not get my main concern even addressed caused my really bad side to show, which just made them think they were “right” to send someone with my diagnoses up to inpatient. The first doctor I saw in inpatient finally heard me out, and agreed that I will not be getting the necessary treatment in there, nor would sitting around feeling down about my allergies do any good. I get that not everyone is specifically trained for behavioral health patients, but if I tell them it’s the allergy causing the S.I. and I just have a lot of concerns about my allergy..... why would they refuse to treat the problem causing my thoughts? Never going to that hospital again. I’m going to have a hard time trusting any medical professional from now on, since apparently they decide for you what illness they want to treat solely based on what you’re described as in your files ..... and then try lying straight to your face to push you further over the edge.

I feel like the best way to explain this thought process is by putting it in script form: Part A of my brain: “You must be a lesbian because you get nervous and run away from every opportunity to date/have sex with a man. You’re not anywhere near as boy crazy as your friends are. You don’t see a guy on the street and get turned on.” Part B of my brain: “But I have enjoyed every semi-sexual experience I have ever had with a man. I get hot and sweaty when I see men doing even tiny things I find insanely attractive. I always beat myself up for running away from men who want me. It takes me forever to get over it. The reason I don’t find any men interesting right now is because I’m still totally in love with a guy from two years ago.” A: “Your feelings for men are all fake. It’s compulsory heterosexuality.” B: “But I think of him every morning and night no matter how hard I try not to.” A: “You’re in denial. You must be a lesbian because you feel like you’re different from your other female friends somehow.” B: “I do feel different. But I have never developed any sort of feelings for a woman or wanted to do anything sexual with one. In fact, a girl friend of mine gave me a peck on the lips once when she was drunk and it felt like absolutely nothing. The thought of ending up with a woman or even going on one date with a woman makes me feel uncomfortable.” A: “That’s because you’re in denial.” B: “But I have never had feelings for a woman. I find certain women more attractive than others but I can’t even begin to picture myself in any sort of romantic/sexual relationship with one.” A: “But you feel different from other girls and you won’t let yourself date men.” B: “But I want to date a man. Nothing makes me more excited about my future than the thought of seeing my husband with our kids.” A: “That’s not a real thought! You feel different from other women.” WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME? I have no real reason to be having these thoughts, or at least I don’t think I do. I have never lost a blink of sleep thinking about a woman like I have with some men. I only fantasize about men (usually that one man). I enjoy kissing and being physically close to men, especially when I have strong feelings for them. This is random but boobs kind of freak me out. But the thing is, I do feel different from my friends. I don’t feel like I fit in with a lot of girls, even if I dress like them and do the things they do. I’m not disliked, I just don’t feel “equal.” I don’t know. I just keep getting these thoughts telling me that it must be because I’m a lesbian, even though I’ve literally never had any desire to be with a woman. Ever since these feelings started, I’ve started to feel weird around other women. Like I’m constantly trying to see if I’m attracted to them—every time, I’m just like, yeah, no. But then goes my head, saying, “You’re just in denial!” and then the cycle repeats. Like I said, I’ve never had an issue with the fact that I can find some women really attractive. But I do have an issue with the fact that my brain is telling me I can’t be with a man. I want to be with a man, especially that one man, more than anything in the world. :( My brain is just telling me none of it’s real, and I don’t know why.

So the online exams had passed, and I failed 3 of my subjects. Maybe 4? 😭 I'm in the last year of junior highschool soon to be moving up to senior high. Though, it's only second grading/period of this school year, but still, should I be worried? Or it won't affect my general average as long as my grades in the third and last quarter are okay? I need answers so I could calm myself a bit 😭

Do all meds cause negative mental symptoms? Like a seeming lack of interest in the world, not wanting to interact with other people(social withdrawal), an inability to feel or express pleasure(anhedonia), an inability to act spontaneously,,decreased sense of purpose, lack of motivation(avolition), not talking much. I've had these symptoms on my last three meds and I'm currently on my third one I'm hoping I like it. Have any of you found a med that doesn't give you all these? Maybe I'm just sensitive to medication. One time I went off my meds and I felt like I could enjoy things more I also talked alot more I could have good ongoing conversations but maybe I was just hypomanic, but i do remember before i started meds i could enjoy things more. I'm now on gabapentin which helps my anxiety tremendously. I'm not telling anyone to stop there meds but for now I'm doing ok. I hope not all meds cause this and it's a tradeoff I have to live with. Sorry for the long post.

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I'm doubting the schizoaffective diagnosis. I do it for other mental diagnoses as well. I even doubt a medical sleep disorder which can be fatal if not treated (and I'm not treating it, unfortunately). But I constantly have the urge to get off medication, because I don't actually trust that there is anything wrong with me mentally. Either that or I obsessively think something else is wrong and just hasn't been diagnosed yet. There is plenty of evidence for it, but it's extremely hard to accept. And problems arise from this. If I'm a "healthy" person, I can't live with the guilt of my past actions. During mania a year and a half ago, I was violent, angry, and abusive. I feel awful and also embarrassed everyday for how I acted. So basically constant doubt is causing me to want to stop treatment. But doing that would be a disaster. I'll most likely be arrested, but I was told I'll be sent to jail next time I have a manic episode. So far I haven't had full manic episodes, just hypomanic ones.

Covid has put me in a spot where I had to fight my worst nightmare. I tested positive for covidast Monday. My entire world was flipped upside down. I have really bad health anxiety starting from when covid first became a planet wide pandemic. I have anyways been anxious about my health and didn't really understand why I got anxious. Once covid started to hit hard I went into a dark place where I thought the world was ending. I thought that I was going to be one of the ones to die from this mysterious illness that was spread across the world fast. I didn't leave the house for a month. I had to be out on Lexapro for me to be able to live a life. I was freash out of college. Just started my business my life was going great. And the floor just dropped me into a pit of hell. Fast forward a year. I'm off Lexapro and I'm living life. Everything is going pretty good. Business is growing. And then I decided to get the J&J vaccine with my father. We got it on a Monday and the next day they stopped giving out the vaccine for causing blood clots. Well there I went again into a dark hell of anxiety. I packed for weeks not knowing if I would get blood clots. I was also dealing with bad side effects from the vaccine. This ended up making my anxiety worst and I didn't leave my house for a month. I lost 30 pounds during this time. I didn't eat... I didn't really do much but pace around my house and worry all day long. I was at the lowest point in my life. All because of covid. I gave covid the power over my mind and body and was terrified. And I hadn't even gotten covid yet! Fast forward a year and a half. I take a home test and tested positive. The nightmare that I knew would come for me at some point. But I did something I didn't really realize I could do I just shrugged it off. Now I am still very anxious about having covid but not nearly as bad as I thought I would be going back two and a half years. I was lucky I got the omicron variation so my symptoms were mild. It is crazy how anxiety can have such a control over your mind and body . How it creeps up and takes hold and doesn't let go! My therapist told me that anxiety doesn't have a cure. It is something you have to learn to deal with. Something you will live with for the rest of your life. I was forced to face my demons on my own. Yes I had support from people close but at the end of the day. It is you and you alone that has to decide to get up and say FUCK you anxiety! I am far from being able to say my anxiety is better. I have to work on it everyday. And even as I am writing this my anxiety is bothering me from my last little bit of cough from covid. I just want to write this Incase it helps someone. Anxiety sucks and it's not something that will be fixed over night or even over a year. It is something you will be fighting your whole life. Just keep fighting and attacking the demons that you have anxiety over. I am living them right now and I am still alive! You can as well. Just remember keep fighting and everyday you will improve your self mentally and physically so maybe one day you can look back and see how much of a change you have made!

I have s/h’d since I was 8. I’m currently 20. I’ve been trying to stop but I’ve had to do a lot of things lately which is basically going back and reliving the worst year of my life. My friends are trying to get me to stop and are actively trying to help. I gave them my tools last week and while I was shopping the other day without even thinking I had bought more. When I made it back to the car I immediately told on myself. I told them and let them know I would be bringing them over so they could dispose of them for me considering I don’t have the ability to do so myself. They left the package in the open - all evening. I had to leave the room because I was staring and had such intense urges. I could tell it was time to leave then but it wasn’t safe for me to be alone in that instance so I just stayed in the other room until they joined me. When I packed up to go I took them back. They didn’t even realize and I don’t blame them. I feel horrible for putting that on my friend and telling them about it. The fact that I s/h should’ve stayed private and I wish I never involved them. I’m a terrible person and I feel so guilty about it I don’t think I can even look at them. Ion our messages I may have been a bit short with them and kinda just avoided conversing with them. I feel like I’m dealing with so much right now but I also feel like I’m not? I think I’m spoiled and I have it easy. I’m so ashamed of myself - at least I haven’t broken my clean streak yet. I am scared though.

Recently, I started making a list of all of the things that I’m excited for in 2022. Basically, it’s a collection of movies, tv shows, video games, and books that are set to be released next year. I made the list so that I’ll always have something to look forward to, but recently, I feel as though excitement over my interests is harder to come by. It’s hard to separate positive emotions from the fear and anxiety that are constantly in the back of my mind. “Sure, the next Marvel movie will be cool, but that doesn’t change the fact that climate change is coming for us all.” “Sure, Pokémon Legends: Arceus looks fun, but don’t forget that there’s still a massive pandemic going on that’ll probably have claimed a million U.S. lives before the end of 2022.” I love escapism. I can’t imagine life without my hobbies and passions. Still, that existential dread just keeps popping back into my mind, and it makes focusing on the present and on my personal life so much harder.

When I was finally diagnosed correctly and told it was bipolar, I screamed at the psychiatrist, then her secretary Walked across town in a rage to the library. Where I instantly my switched to a studious mode. I read three books, being about bipolar in children, teenagers, and adults. Reading line after line, describing everything I struggle with in my life, I then realized I was not alone. I sobbed. Uncontrollably. Finally here was evidence that other people went through this also. I am not alone, an alien, or wilder psychosis theories. That moment changed my mental health journey, and my life. Recently I’ve felt isolated again, but want to thank you all for posting an sharing. I love reading a forum and thinking: “yep I get that, also me, I understand you!” This is a blessing I do not utilize enough, but am learning to embrace this form of support system and community. Thanks for sharing and caring everyone. It goes a long way. glad I’m not an alien. Really.

I am looking for a new psychatrist and i do not want to get into to many details but I was mistreated by my last psychatrist and I have zero trust. When I see new psychatrist I do not want him to talk to old psychatrist am I going to have any problems with this? I can show medical records to new psych. I am little worried because I take one mood stabilizer and one benzo so not sure if a doctor has to talk to old psychatristt? what is the best way to approach this? ​ also if I have trust issues with psychatrist where do you think the best place to go is? I am tired of talking about my past I know I have to but I just wish to have psychatrist manage my medication not get all freudian on me. Hope to just be in and out short appointments to manage the same medication i have been on for years.

Its been really rough but thanks to friends and family I've been able to get through everything going on. It feels nice when things actually start going my way and jk April fools I still wanna kms.

Has anyone ever taken 2.5mg of propranolol before? I took 10 and i think it was a little too much for me.

I’ve been ignoring my dental problems for the past few years and now I have to deal with them and it makes me super nervous. I just can’t think about anything else between one visit to the dentist and another.

When I accomplish something, I feel good for a while. When I remotely screw anything up, or someone gets mad at me (or even minor criticism), it breaks me down. I feel like a failure and want to cry. I had insecurities growing up but this has gotten out of control. I stress every single day and have more gray hairs that I think I should have at 28 years old. I feel like my mental health is tied directly to my ability to do my job - which has suffered lately due to anxiety medication withdrawal.

Some background info: I used to struggle with pretty bad SH. I got it under control through therapy, medication and a traumatic incident which made me realise I had no choice but to stop. I have been “clean” for 4 and a half years. However, I’ve been reflecting on my behaviour and noticing the ways in which I still hurt myself (drugs, sex, you name it, I always find something). I was so sure that I was past all this but I think that the realisation, that I never stopped self harming, has sparked something in my brain. I cannot stop thinking about it, albeit in new forms. Every minor slip up makes me want to call up my dealer, go to a bar and provoke someone until they beat me. I keep having visions of my cheekbones breaking and I can’t shake the feeling that I need to “pay for my sins”. I have tried every possible DBT skill there is and I like to think that I’m good at rationalising; I just feel that I’m two breakdowns away from accidentally taking my life (which I definitely don’t want to do). But I’m not in such a bad place that I’d need to go to the ward. Does anybody have experience with this sort of behaviour and any possible tips to get it under control? I’m thankful for all replies.

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I haven’t been at work in a month I wake up feeling shaky and anxious and can barely walk because my knees are so shaky and weak. Anytime I go back and say I can’t do it anymore. It’s just more breathing exercises. I am banned from one doctors as I lost it when he said try this breathing exercise. Not proud of that but that’s where I’m at

This is something I’ve been putting off for years. I’ve always felt that I struggle from some kind of mental health issue, but I’ve been too afraid to go in case they tell me I don’t actually have one (then what do I do…). I think I have anxiety. I’m not looking for a diagnosis here of course, but I wanted to ask a question for others’ opinions. I see a lot of questionnaire questions usually ask things like ‘do you feel restless’ or ‘are you unable to relax’, etc. and I’m not sure how much I fit into these statements currently. I currently have a job and life situation that admittedly makes my life really easy, I’m avoiding growing but I desperately want to change and hate myself for this. As a result of avoiding growing, I don’t have much to stress about at the moment, so spend a lot of time relaxing, hence avoiding situations that may trigger more anxiety and anxious symptoms for me. I know that (or rather I’m scared of) when I get a ‘better’ job where I will grow, I will probably be more likely to relate to these statements but right now I don’t. Does this point to me not having anxiety potentially or still yes? I’m scared of being told that there’s nothing wrong with me…

Okay I’m undiagnosed BUT I think strongly that I may have BPD, not trying to self diagnose. One of the key symptoms of BPD is extreme mood swings, and the WEIRDEST thing to me is, when I’m not in a rage, depression of being excited mood, and I’m just stable, it’s almost weird to imagine myself NOT stable. Like a bipolar person in depression who can’t see themselves ever in mania. Once again, I’m not diagnosed BPD, just may have a parent with it, and hope to get a diagnosis when I’m 18.

I think of the curses give to many of us with our different disorders and such and I think we must be a cruel joke.

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This err ‘okay’ customer (came off as kinda weird IDK) err he touched my hand as I have him bus money, kinda cupped it around mine?? IDK I could be paranoid/overly anxious but I worried he was on drugs and worrie my hand felt weird unless I’m overthinking

Hi. So I recently have been diagnosed with BPD, and there wasn't a worse time to receive this diagnosis. I've been feeling very bad and disconnected from reality. Which is making me these last couple of days look like a blank zombie. But my mom doesn't understand this, to her I'm just very stubborn and egoistic, which makes me feel even worse. My BPD unfortunately makes me discount everything on myself. How do I explain to people that doesn't believe in mental disorders that my head does works different from them? This Christmas will be very hard for me. But thanks for listening, and I wish you all a Merry Christmas anyways.

I feel as though I should say that I forgot to take my meds for two days. If you have any tips on how to get rid of this uncomfortable feeling then they would be very appreciated.

[My first post ever] Few facts before I start - I am a software developer leading a decent life in India. I have been living with my parents since Covid started (2.5 years) I live in a non metropolitan city - I hardly have anything to do on weekends, anywhere to go or anyone to meet (my school friends have moved to different places) Now I am starting - I feel like I am depressed. I don’t want to be but maybe I am. I have gained 30 kgs since covid began. My relationship ended and shattered me into pieces. My frustration levels have increased. I get angry at stupid things. I don’t like anything in my life. I used to really really like my job and the learning part of it but I am barely surviving it now. If’s a mystery how I am not fired yet (I guess the hard work in early years is paying up). I cry most days while sleeping by imagining scenarios in my head. I thought I was handling it all but I guess I am not. I tried therapy and counselling. Didn’t see much help here. In one session, the therapist made me talk about a childhood trauma. I talked about it then but I was miserable and vulnerable for over a month after that. The trauma kept hitting my head again and again and again. I have lots of friends from college but I can’t talk to them about these things. I am a very private person and somehow I can’t talk to them. Some of them are common friends with me and my ex (I don’t want him to know I am miserable) I have tried sharing bits and pieces of my issues with my family but nothing fruitful comes out. Maybe I am on some self-sabotage mode which doesn’t seem to end. I kinda want some second opinion. Please feel free to share your insights. You think I am self-sabotaging? You think this phase can go away?

What is the point of living if the world is unfixably bad. Why would you want to be part of this world when it is full of things that are so horrifyingly bad without any relief to them. Nothing will change, it’s always been like this. That’s what I have come to realise a few years ago, and since then, been tortured with. With the realistic conclusion that the best way to live is to not live at all. There is corruption on all fronts. Flaws in all designs. Chaos, useless pain, both on a macro and micro level. Both in the world, and in myself. And they are really unfixable. It will never change to a point of ultimatum. It will always be full of morbidly obese parasites who eat away the nutrients of the ever so fragile other side. Take that without strict grouping, this phenomenon happens on all fronts. On a micro and macro level of the world. It is that why I don’t want to be here. Surely, one may think that “just accepting it and moving on with your own life” is the way to go, but that does not change the fact that you keep attached to this society. It does not change the fact that you are human. It is either I die, or everyone does. The latter limiting the pain those who are connected to me would get otherwise. The world will never be fixed, I am one hundred percent confident in that conclusion. We will always be vile, littering the water that is meant to cleanse us. Maybe we should all take a shot of it and poison ourselves, however continue the metaphor and you see that’s already happening. That’s always happening. Anyone who tells me to “accept” does not understand my desire. If ignoring seeing someone getting murdered is a crime, then so is ignoring the deaths of billions. I don’t want to be associated with this race or with its reality. Even in times of short happiness, in the back of my mind, rightfully, will stay the observation that this isn’t a world fun to live in. Often I hope the majority of people would think like this. I’d make suicide more prevalent, but accepted. After all, it’s a valid decision to take your life when you look around in what would be the alternative way. You *cannot* deny it. Think deeply about it. Do not hide from it, ignore the pain and naively “live with it”. Realise the true logical desire.

Hey everybody. Tomorrow i’m supposed to go out to a store and try out 0.5mg of klonopin for my agoraphobia. Expectedly, i’m very nervous for tomorrow and keep thinking what if the klonopin doesn’t work. Somehow my body’s “immune” to it and I end up having a panic attack. I know this is irrational but I can’t stop thinking about it. If anyone who uses benzos or klonopin has words of encouragement, that would be very appreciated!

Do you think that reflects the accurate reality of the phenomenon commonly referred to as mental “illness”? I’m not trying to add another phrase to the politically correct stocking, I’m just wondering if it’s accurate? I mean most mental “illness” are just different ways of thinking such as ADD/ADHD, they are just placed underneath this umbrella term.

My fiancée has hallucinations occasionally, it’s usually shadows (she sees the hat man a lot it’s her worst one) and it’s usually just when she’s super super stressed. It’s been a while since she has had a lot of these. Last weeks she tested positive for covid and went to her parents house to quarantine because we live with my mom and she takes immunosuppressants after having a transplant. Needless to say this is a huge stress for her, she’s staying in her parents basement alone all day and one of her biggest phobias is bugs and she says there’s a lot of them there :( She texted me early in the morning saying she’s having a panic attack and is feeling suicidal because she’s seeing so many shadows and things moving. I feel helpless since I can’t go there and there’s nothing I can do except talk to her on the phone and try to tell her everything is alright. Her dad won’t let her come upstairs where it’s safer (no bugs). If it were you what would you need in this situation?

Hello this is my first post on Reddit. For some reason I woke up today and I wasn’t in a good mood. This was followed up by a loss in a march madness basketball game which made me a little angry. Later to which was about 10 minutes ago I was hand washing my clothes and I just started thinking about bad things about myself like how I didn’t workout yet today and I have to go to school tommorow which is a big reason why I think this happened. Everything started building up and I gradually got angry at everything in my presence and litterly everything that existed around me made me annoyed. Soon I couldn’t take it anymore and I usually can control this and it has been a few months since this happened… I started pulling my hair and gradualy started pacing quicker and quicker until I was basically running around my basement. I then found myself bouncing around everywhere like a lunatic and hyperventilating as if I was drowning and gasping for air. After about a minute I got myself together and tried to sit down. I remembered how long it had been since something like this has happened. As a background I know that my mom has anxiety which she deals with all the time and my sister as well. I have never been diagnosed with any form of this and these episodes that happen are a few weeks between each other. For you guys with experience could you maybe give a little insight if you have ever had anything like this happen to you?

I have wanted to post this for ages. I just want to say thank you all for giving me a voice and everyone else on here a platform for each other to discuss our BPD in a safe place. I have found it hard my whole life talking about my experiences and why I am ' different' and have such a big emotional response to situations but whenever I do, I come on here and always see a post that resonates with me and makes me feel less alone so thank you all. You are wonderful and we are getting through this together x

17, I'm an introverted guy that hates crowds but surprisingly I handle talking to strangers in public well except... school. I'm a senior high school student in my last year and till this day I literally can not stop myself from heating up whenever the idea of school comes up to me. So here's my backstory, I grew up with a different pop culture compared to everybody else's. Kids my age would be talking about tv shows related to our country and I would be talking about Tom and Jerry and Futurama. I never connected with the other kids, there were some but they were only around in my private grade school and I never found anyone to relate to in high school. And so, I was bullied. I was just way too different from everyone and sometimes I couldn't even stop myself from speaking english instead of our native language so I'd be made fun of, I really don't know why its funny to make fun of someone who can speak english. Eventually it kept getting worse, I've started getting verbal tics and sudden rapid twitches of my head as if I'm an animal on survival instincts. They never bullied me physically other than pushing but they really tried to make me feel like an object, I don't want to describe exactly what they did, but they basically sat down right next to me everyday and make fun of what I do and keep asking me if I'm abnormal. They also intimidate me to give them answers during quizes and tests. Each and everytime I was about to leave for school my heart would start beating fast and I would heat up and start sweating profusely. During my 2nd year in high school I started thinking of ending it all, I never spoke to my parents about it as I know they're only going to make a fuss with the school making me look more like a dork. The same bullies have been sent to the principal and council so many times I couldn't even count but that only fueled them to do more. I was bullied like that for my 1st and 2nd year until my 3rd. My 3rd year was a miracle, my classmates were all really nice, some of them knew me and felt bad and the rest just didn't know me yet still respected me like a human being. With this I recovered a bit from those 2 horrible years, but the scar still remains. Despite my 3rd year being finally good for me I still sweated profusely each and every time I was about to leave for school. I am not an athlete for our school but I'm stocky fit and I regularly do cardio, the only time I sweat at home is either exercising or doing strenuous amounts of chores. I find it so awkward when me and my group are working on a project together and I start sweating profusely in less than a minute while everyone else looks cool and clean. This heat that just builds up whenever the thought of school or interacting with a fellow student comes to mind. I never had this sweating problem back in grade school, so I've confirmed it really is anxiety scar. I don't fear death, I don't get scared of horror movies, I'm not afraid of the ocean yet I'm afraid of school. Despite having normal years of high school after my first two were horrible the scar hasn't been healed. Its still here. Because of the covid-19 pandemic my 4th year of junior as well as my 1st year of senior were digitalized. But now everyday face-2-face is about to come back this november. I can't help but feel like my first year is starting all over again, is it because I've been at home for the last 2 years? And now coming back for the first time since then is really triggering it hard. I'm sorry for the long read, I just wanted to vent this out, because I don't have anybody to talk to for this. I'm guessing you're gonna type "Talk to a therapist." that I actually want but we don't actually have the kind of money for that thing. By now my mom already knows of my anxiety and as much as I hate to say it, she's too traditional and a bigot, she's very kind and loving but she really has no idea what anxiety is all she's saying is "You just need to build confidence." I have been trying to do that, I've tried talking to people more, got in better shape, started meditating, even got a part time job, but just the sheer idea of school is driving me nuts. I don't want to drop out.

I'm having a really rough night. I cannot cope. I'm feeling so down. I'm away from home staying with relatives in a hotel room. I'm feeling really out of it. I'm mostly nonverbal currently. I thought it would be nice to get out of the house but now I feel worse. I feel way worse. My thoughts are racing and they feel awful.

Is it possible to have high functioning anxiety? Google says it's not an actual diagnosis, but I am wondering whether some of you might see yourselves as having high functioning anxiety, or what that might look like for you? Sorry if this question is really unhelpful or misinformed — it's genuinely coming from a place of ignorance. Hopefully people know more than I do! (Throwaway - talking about mental health is still new and uncomfortable for me.)

Just started taking 15mg of buspirone twice a day regularly. Also I’m on lexapro but I don’t think it’s working anymore. Anyway I’ve started sweating a lot. Anyone else experience this?

I’ve been managing well on meds and therapy since my diagnosis this time last year. But on Monday, I had a really bad panic attack which scared the living hell out of my boss (bless her poor soul she was really worried). The mental health nurse at the A&E was quite firm on admitting me but I really wanted to see if a meds change might help. So I went to see my therapist earlier than scheduled and we’re currently on day 4 of new meds, still constantly irritated to the point I wanna burn something down but I feel more in control now. TL;DR I just want some support from this sub and of course all advice are welcomed!

It was textbook. When we started dating he called me unique, quirky & not like other girls (CRINGE ik). He liked that i was spontaneous and exciting and down for whatever. We were so in love for a year and a half, and for most of that time, you would've thought he was the sweetest person you ever met. He was kind, caring, passionate, respectful... everything you could ever want. But the whole time i had been suffering silently with the BPD stuff. All of my anxiety & mood swings revolved around this relationship, but i tried to keep it bottled up. When i started to explain to him what i was going through, he seemed supportive. But as time went on I saw a new person. Every time i actually expressed a concern to him, or called him out for hurting me in some way, or just needed reassurance, he got annoyed. He'd stop responding, cancel our plans, avoid me, & brush me off. When i was in the depths of a depressive episode, he called me weak and self-pitying. Said he missed the "happy" me, and that he didn't want to be around me when i was sad. i was shocked with how different he was acting. I confronted him on it; 'why do you avoid me when I'm down? Isn't that the time when you should be most compassionate?' He told me when i was upset, it made him uncomfortable, and that he didn't know how to *coddle* me. That was when I realized: this guy only loves me when i am happy and compliant, and live up to the version of me that lives in his head. He gets angry when I become a real person with needs and feelings. He was this perfect boyfriend when things were good, but the moment I was sad or angry, i watched all that affection drain from his eyes. It was like a switch. He would threaten the relationship every time i raised an issue, even a small one. One night i called him to talk about something he did that had bothered me for a long time (slept with another girl when we were first talking). He broke up with me in the cruelest way possible & said i was weak for holding onto that. He instantly (like literally the next day) moved on and told me, don't talk to me anymore, i'm much happier now. After nearly two years. How could someone be so cold??? The next time we talked, he called me weak, negative, oversensitive, lazy, & his last words to me were "you need to stop feeling sorry for yourself!" Mind you, he knew i had just been HOSPITALIZED & was s\*\*cidal. I guess I've just been feeling shocked, that someone who seemed SO sweet 90% of the time could also be so.... idk, fckn evil??? My trust/abandonment issues are def 1000000 times worse now. I've come to the conclusion that men never truly see you as a person, just an object they can project something onto. Even the ones that seem good. That may be offensive, i'm sorry. I don't want to feel this way.

theres no point of any of this, i just post on here whenever i have a suicidal thoughts but it just makes me feel awful afterwards

Is there a term for extreme irritability with a hodgepodge of stress, depression, hopelessness, helplessness and anger. I'm this weird mixed grab bag of feelings while simultaneously feeling lost and disconnected. Wtf is this feeling?

I don't mean to undermine anyone who is worried about getting sick or losing anyone in current times, obviously the proper development of vaccines will be a great thing for the world. But basically with all this talk of there being an end in sight I'm just getting anxious instead of happy. I'm scared that I've gotten used to just being at home and having the pandemic just dictate my life for me, instead of having to worry about all these decisions and whether or not I'm living my life properly. I really struggle with feeling pressure to 'live while I'm young' whilst having a pretty small comfort zone and being uncomfortable with change and I guess having to stay at home allowed me to not have to worry about that for a while, even if mentally I've been up and down recently. Can anyone else relate? I know that my problems are fairly small next to what others must be going through right now but I'm trying to acknowledge how I feel more.

If anyone knows of an intensive outpatient program specifically for BPD that uses DBT, in the Sacramento area, that also accepts medi-cal insurance... i would greatly appreciate a reference. I’m having a horrible low and am at a loss and can’t find anything in my internet searches. I’m unemployed as I just moved here and my job’s start date keeps getting pushed back —I may not be starting until mid July, I’m currently looking for something different but am not having any luck and since I literally just moved here unemployment is out of the question— anyway, the only thing I can think of to do right now is go to the ER but were in the middle of a pandemic and I don’t feel THAT bad, just...close. And anyway I need a long term solution, and going to the hospital every time I feel like garbage isn’t it. I can’t drive further than Sac as I’m already on the California/Nevada border to Sac is pushing it. Thank you in advance to anyone who has a recommendation. I’ll sit on a waiting list if I have to. [View Poll](https://www.reddit.com/poll/gxabs2)

Does anyone else get so much worse around their period. Like i get so so irritable and cry at anything. It’s like a period for typical people but x100000 because of the BPD mood swings you know?? I also become so suicidal and have this awful feeling in my gut like i’m gna die.

Dear Reddit: I have nothing to complain about. I guess what I used to call "depression" has gotten to a new level of idiocy. Anything I should do? Fucking don't care. I still do it, watch my hands move and my mouth open, that's it. This must be how a robot vacuum cleaner feels when it bumps into furniture and then blames god for putting it there... I can't help but notice I'm a walking piece of meat with all these idiotic bells and whistles people call "personality". I cannot fucking say anything to anybody, because - maybe I'm extremely dumb or mad - but their responses never make sesnse, because everyone lives in their own private world and has apparently developed their own language. So everyone - myself included - is in a private trance, what's the point of communication then? I was walking today in the street fantasizing that I get shot in the head and lie on the pavement with camera moving up and away like in GTA. It wouldn't make much difference I if I did die today. Drinking used to make sense, but now it has no sense whatsoever - when I'm drunk, I'm drunk. When I'm not, I'm not. So nothing changes, only reality gets diluted briefly. Browsed memes about this "doomer" character on Reddit, they are pathetic and dull, as is the idea of idealizing the perpetual state of semi-lucid apathy. I used to have a friend with whom I exchanged e-mails, he seemed to also be my "life teacher" of sorts, and we had an unbelievable understanding, I miss our companionship now that he's dead. I think I'd better just stay sober and at least pay attention to birds singing and apple trees growing in my backyard. ​ Yours sincerely, Allegedly depressed fuckwit

Okay TMI ik.... But somebody has to ask it. I'm currently not on any medications that would cause this, I was last time, years ago. Anyways I just don't know if this is a me problem or if it's anxiety or something else idk. All Ik is this sucks. I don't have a gf so don't ask me why I don't just have sex. Idk if it's just because it increases my heart rate and I'm already anxious 24/7, so I just can't do it anymore. I Would like to see if anyone has any experience with this. I guess I could just stop but damn...

i’ll relate to so many but free by florence + the machine always gets me

Hello! This is a re-do! Call me Sin plz I am 16 years old- My likes are music, youtube, art (drawing but sometimes randome things like painting), but I also like gaming youtube and Tv shows like Jurassic Park and walking dead, along with childlike shows like Carman Sandiago. My favorite food is stuffed peppers or meatloaf :) My favorite drink is sherly temples (like a weird cherry sprite drink idk what they do to it but its good) My favorite book series is Warriors/Bravelands by Erin Hunter and Summoners -i dont remember the author of that I strongly believe in ghost and stuff and love to inform and talk about them! My favorite number is 47, theres a short story behind it lol I hope this intro is better, and im so so sorry for causing issues

First off, i’m not exactly sure if she has bipolar, but she has brought up to me that she does. We’ve had a lot of ups and downs for the past 8 months since we knew each other. it’s been a real ride since I have bpd myself. I know its a cocktail for disaster but I’ve always been trying to make it work. Recently we had a break up and it really sounded like it was for good because she was so done with me. She had blocked me everywhere. (We were never together, just dating) Two weeks later she called but i was asleep. I called back but it didnt go through. I texted her on another number to find out if she was alright. A day later she said it was an accident that she meant to call someone else. But obviously i was blocked so it wouldnt have been an accident. We then had a full on friendly conversation and shortly after it was dropped. She is a pretty dismissive person, and that has caused a bit of a rift between us. But what does she want really? I love her with every fibre of my being, and i will always welcome her with open arms. I consider her my soulmate. But I also respect her space, so right now with what’s happening, i dont know if she wants me to do something or i should just fuck off again.

Hi guys! I just saw the post ranting about when people toss around the term OCD. I recently decided to open up and be honest about what it’s like having OCD and what truly goes through my head. I hope this can help some of y’all either relate or understand!! [My OCD (inside my head)](https://youtu.be/sYPmSMMwbJs)

So I had an episode yesterday in front of an important friend who is also my ex. I was really manic and was afraid I had exhausted all my other friends. But I asked if he was good to talk and he said he was but apparently he wasn’t really. He just isn’t that great at being honest about what he needs bc of his childhood and narcissistic mom. So while I was just being manic and texting him rapidly about random stuff he got overwhelmed and stopped responding. I then panicked about being abandoned. He wouldn’t respond to my texts so I called and he declined my calls until he texted back once. He said “I’m a tiny bit overwhelmed. Had a big appointment with my counselor today. Sorry I can’t be very responsive” I asked if we could set up a time to text so I could come back to this clear headed and make sure he doesn’t hate my guts and he replied “sure”. I’m so scared that he’s not going to respond and I’m terrified that he’s mad and doesn’t understand. Up until the past two weeks I was able to stop panicking about abandonment and blowing up my friends phone but one friend blamed me for something I didn’t do and got mad for no reason and abandoned me. So then a lot of my progress went down the drain. I’m afraid he’ll think I’m never going to get better. Even though he noticed I was before and even made a point to mention it and encourage me.

I had really bad anxiety for a few years and took fluoxetine for it. I felt like it was well managed and that I had my life together enough that I didn't need it anymore and quit taking it. This was 2 years ago. Now last summer when the warmer weather hit I got this massive bout of anxiety and depression that stopped when cooler weather came back. Same for this year it recently hit 70's where I live when the normal temp for my area is usually 50-60 Now my anxiety is at an all time high. It's causing me to use the restroom more , sleep less, and I feel hungry but I can't eat because it makes me feel unwell, not sick just general I don't want to do anything after I eat except maybe puke. We also got a new puppy just yesterday which is something my family has been talking about for awhile. I wanted to get everything before hand and have it set up but my parents do stuff the old fashioned way and just get it once we have the puppy. So I spent a good two hours yesterday like power cleaning this room for our puppy and I don't know if that stress added on to this anxiety or not. Kinda wish they would have listened to me and waited a bit til we had everything ready. I spent so much money getting everything at once that I have none left for anything else (just got paid so I have to wait another two weeks before I get paid again) I really like the puppy even though it's a menace to my feet but every time is starts whining when I walk away makes my stress and anxiety even worse, I finally managed to get it to sleep so I could come to my room for a mental break down as I type this. I don't know what to do, I don't think I can handle anything right now but as a 6 week old puppy it needs constant attention and ques for training. Not to mention I have to go to work tomorrow which is a 12 hour shift, I'm a caregiver and since we are so short staffed my current client only has me and one other person who may end up quitting soon. If that happens I'll be working everyday 12 hours a day I'm so lost right now. I'm burning a CBD candle I took some 2:1 and 20:1 CBD - THC edibles hoping they would help me relax but they barely worked. I just want to feel better so I can focus on stuff that I need to do and not worry everyone else because my parents have no clue I feel this way and they have their own issues to worry about. I really don't understand why I'm crying. A ton of random thoughts pop into my head and just makes me break down so easily. My cats are here to try and comfort me but even they aren't helping as much as they would like to. Guess I'm just typing this up to get it off my chest because even though I have some friends I don't feel like I can talk to any of them about this stuff especially if they're busy with their own life. How can I manage this better , and what kind of food should I try to eat because right now my whole body is void of anything thanks to this but I just can't eat any of my usual foods. Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead because then I wouldn't have to feel this way anymore. I wouldn't have to worry about things that will inevitably happen or random incidents that put me in rough spots. I really don't know what to do...

I have so much shit to do, too many problems to deal with - all of my own doing - that I can't even start writing about it to try and get help, let alone do the things I need to do. There's just too much, it takes too much time, but most importantly I don't want to do anything. Everything is too much effort. Just thinking about things is too much effort, which is exactly why my life is fucked. I start working on Tuesday and I am not at all ready to do that again, even though I'm going into a field I should theoretically like. I am fucked, I want to cry, I want to disappear, I need my entire past existence to be erased.

Sometimes when i’m having a low mood I want to cry so bad but I can’t. Nothing will come out. Even if I feel like death none of the tears will pour. If i’m drunk its a different story. Does anyone have sometimes a difficult time letting it all out even tho you feel that horrible feeling in your body/stomach? Like i’ll watch something sad and i’m BALLiNG. Hyperventilating. I just don’t get it. I wanna cry so bad right now because I feel like I wanna die. But i just can’t express it physically. I would need a drink to release all the tension. 😒 Is this the case for anyone else?

For the past 5 years i have been feeling really bad. I don't really have someone to speak about this with. I just feel that it would be too hard on them... Everyday i just feel worse and worse... While beeing around other people i just pretend that i am happy and that everything is amazing... But when i am alone i just stop that... I let my feelings flow... Usually i just feel nothing. I be around all day feeling 0 emotions... Like im not even human... Other times i just get mad at myself for being like this... My family thinks that stuff like this is not real and i just need to be more positive about things... I try my best to be so and thing about things that are happening from the best point of view, but it just doesn't help anymore... Does anybody else feel like this?

So, my fiance doesn't think an engagement ring is important. He'll spend all this money on himself. He thinks an engagement ring should be thousands of dollars. Like idgaf I just want a ring. It could be a lawn shop ring. I just feel like I'm not worth it to him. He's done so much for me. I should be grateful. But I sacrificed my friends and family to move away with him. We decided to get married but I want a proposal. I feel like I'll never get one . I feel like I'm worthless because I don't have a good job. I don't have a ring. I'm just a piece of lonely shit. I wish I had a friend here. 😕 I can't make friends. I feel so alone.

I've barely started my first office internship job and I'm already freaking out. I have no idea what I'm doing. Everyone is very friendly, but I'm already taking way too long to do simple tasks and making too many mistakes. This compounds because this results to me having more anxiety which further results into more mistakes. There doesn't seem to be too much direction besides just figuring things out. I'll often get stuck and keep "spinning my wheels." Usually, It'll take a bit to build up the courage to ask a stupid question and usually the response time takes a pretty long time as well. So often times I'm just billing clients for be being a headass. What's worst is that I'm still a full time student, with this being my hardest and final semester, I feel like I'm drowning in school work and its just started. Its getting hard to even get my school work done because I'm always stressing out about how poorly I'm doing at work. I've always been the type to get very overwhelmed and full of anxiety so this situation is beyond bad for me. So unless I get a handle on this crazy amount of anxiety, I'm going to fall apart in a downwards spiral. How can I reduce this anxiety so I can actually balance all this shit?

I loved my ex girlfriend. After years of mental struggle it was first person that i geniuenly cared about, first person i ever felt happy to give anything to. I lost myself in my love for her and after time i stopped caring about myself, and became depressed again. It resulted with our breakup and our broken hearts. I'm nothing to her anymore. Depression is just always with me, no matter how happy i felt sometimes, it was always there. Idea of being happy and loving someone right now just feels so delusional to me.

I’m 19. I promised myself that I would try to do this to see if I might get better over time, but nothing has changed and they have just become worse, so I'm not sure what to do next. I'm going to hang myself later tonight. I've discussed it in writing, talked with my family, went to therapy, tried medication. nobody has truly tried to help and nobody cares and none of it helpful to me. instead, everyone is blaming or disagreement and judgemental towards me. I'm riddled with crippling self hated that I can't even bring myself to look in the mirror or feel useful since I'm so alone and only exist for the sake of it. I'm drowning in loneliness and it never ends because nothing in this world is keeping me here, maybe for you for you reader Perhaps it's not true, but right now it seems like all I have planned for the future is a miserable, lonesome existence. I honestly don't want to live this time, it would be better if I died. I occasionally see people having a good time and living their lives. I don't want to ever live again because I detest who I am. Whoever reads this and makes a comment is appreciated. I'm just sick and tired of being all by myself. I hardly ever manage to finish my sentences when I do get the chance to talk to someone. not even attempting to speak with a girl I would stutter. I struggle to put anything I'm thinking into words. Who on earth would be patient enough to hear me out? How on earth was I supposed to carry on a conversation with someone? I have a hard time communicating with them. I'm also not deserving of anyones attention on how boring and uninteresting I am. End of road now.

I know that anxiety can increase aerophagia, but I can't put my finger on the mechanism. I think it's dry mouth that then causes frothy saliva and excessive swallowing. Anyways I've been having serious trouble sleeping because I swallow so much goddamn air that it puts pressure on my lungs and makes it harder to breath evenly. I keep waking up in jolts with a gasp of breath because it can actually make me take a few seconds too long to inhale. It's like torture - once I get into a vicious cycle, I spend all night trying and failing to fall asleep, trying and failing to stop swallowing air, and burping like every 30 seconds. I stay hydrated and breath through my nose as much as physically possible. I have sleep supplements but they actually make things worse because they seem to increase dry mouth/heart rate, so I have been raw dogging it for a while. I am at my wit's goddamm end here. The only thing that stops it is distracting myself with music or podcasts, but then I can't fucking sleep because I'm distracted by music and podcasts :|

hi! im going to set up an appointment with my doctor to get an anxiety diagnosis. how do i go about asking him if i could get medication for it? do i wait for him to offer it or just ask if i could have it?

Will i die in my sleep if i consume a lot of APs like risperidone or olanzipine? I might have consumed double the prescribed dose..

i have no fun stories to tell or anything. just disturbing morbid stuff. bc i'm in an abusive neglectful situation i never get to do anything fun and i don't have friends that aren't online. i'm always bored and i like talking to people but when someone asks what i'm doing i say "nothing" or what how my day is i say "meh" no hobbies nothing. someone even told me my life is going to suck until i'm 18 and there's nothing i can do and just left. so yeah just venting ig.

I am M 25, and lately I have been craving validation and reassuring myself that I am "nice/good guy". A brief about me: I have been a loner for most of the time and recently (about a month ago) realised what it means to have friendship, relationship. I am struggling with it albeit working on it. So I constantly thinking that I am a good guy who is very good something like that. Am I the only one to have such thoughts? Or is there an inner meaning for my constant reassurance and validation?

Hello fellow anxiety sufferers, long time sufferer here. I have a problem with getting constant anxiety and bad thoughts when socializing with fellow coworkers. In example I always keep getting this bad thoughts repeatedly; they hate me, they talk bad about me behind my back, they don't want to talk with me etc... Any hints on how to get over this hump and be able to relax with coworkers ? Any help is appreciated. Best regards.

I don't know WTH is wrong with me. Thirs I stayed up 36 hours. I got lime 1 hr if sleep last night and tonight still up. Anybody else have this happen?

i've been in therapy for about 4 years, with a few off periods sprinkled in there due to insurance problems. i haven't found it at all helpful. some therapists have been better than others, but the majority have been largely unhelpful at best and really awful at worst. my current therapist is pretty shitty. she is never prepared for our sessions, she talks over me and brings up seemingly random personal details that add nothing to our session constantly. i've been trying to find a new therapist, i emailed as many people on psychology today who took my insurance and treated bpd as i could and i heard back from one place that seemed really great, but it turns out they don't actually take my insurance. i don't know where to go from here. my local mental health agency is the place that referred me to my current therapist, and they have denied me twice for other services, so that doesn't seem like a great option. im trying to continue my search on my own but im so overwhelmed, i just need help, which my current therapist is refusing to do.

So I was in my room feeling a little dizzy and using my phone, I got up and went outside the room, it was very quiet and i felt a little scared then i started to hear a strange sound (which was real) I can't describe it, I don't know I got even more scared and thought that I was the only one hearing the sound, suddenly I had this very strange feeling in my heart, like I was truly scared but of nothing particularly, I was about to cry because that feeling was too much, it calmed down a little, I slept and then woke up and it's still there, my heart feels so heavy and I don't understand, I have lost all my Appétite, and I don't enjoy anything, the world feels so different to me now sometimes it feels like it's not even real, I have never had any problem of the sort before I don't understand what's happening please help

i feel terrible feeling that way. he’s nothing but supportive and loving; kind, caring, and patient. whenever i’m down, he’s right there to pick me up again. i truly love and appreciate him... but, sometimes, he gets right around my skin without doing anything at all. maybe it’s my codependency, how hard it is to separate myself from him and be my own person—it’s made even harder when he’s feeling low. i always feel like i can’t disappoint him. i want to do my thing, be it clean the house, surround myself with friends, dance to music all alone; and then he asks me to do something with him, and i just can’t. it’s been so long since i truly cared about by myself and i feel like i can’t. i feel like i’m selfish for it. i hate feeling selfish. i have always valued my freedom and independence. i crave it. that’s not to say that i never spend time with my boyfriend—we’ve been binging shows one after the other the past couple months (it’s what he likes to do); sometimes, we’ll play stardew together, or stay up late, talking all night... but i need to be alone sometimes. i know he’s struggling now, but so am i, and i need to cope on my own. i’m still supporting him, but i can’t cater to his every want or need... it’s not like he’s even asking me for that, but i feel like i have to—sometimes, he makes me feel like that. and that’s when i get frustrated... that’s always the worst, because it makes me dislike him. i hate the sound of his breathing, the way he eats his chips, his silence when he plays a game. i hate the way he talks to me sometimes, the things he says and how he says them. everything i love about him is suddenly tainted. i hate it. i love him. it’s so hard.

Hi I'm working on just informing myself and reaching out more to individuals who have experience and relate. With that said I have pretty general anxiety and sometimes, today, I found myself just not able to function. Like a wall or loading screen is present. This is usually accompanied by fear of sorts. I'm working a lot on mindfulness to help maybe stop or lessen how difficult it is. Is this a common thing for anxiety? My therapist isn't quite sure what I mean, so any input is welcome. I hope you all are doing well today!

DAE have a love hate relationship with working alone? I have a job where I work all day by myself. Somedays I love it some days I hate it. On the days where I love it are usually when I'm having a rough day or week. It's nice being able to vent through music, cry a little if need be, smoke , drink coffee, just relax. Work through it. The other days where I hate it bc I may have to work with someone, I'm so deep in my thoughts that i dissociate,I find myself not remembering what songs were just on or how any of the trip I just drove (scary). Weeks go by sometimes where I barely have recollection of it due to the monotony of the job. Sometimes I'm grateful to be by myself and other days I hate that I'm alone. Does anyone else work alone and feel similar? It's not anything major but i still feel attracted to this job because of these exact reason. Idk, was curious I guess 🤷

I’m not suicidal but I think about killing myself not like I’m really gonna do it but just thinking about what would happen if I die I lost all motivation to do anything I’m fucking myself over in school I used to love football now I hate it I look at myself in the mirror and I think I love myself sometimes and I hype myself up listening to music then I look again and I just hate myself so much there’s notging I can do and I don’t want to tell anyone sometimes I wish someone would just notice but sometimes someone does notice and I just don’t know what to say it’s just like You okay? I just say yeah but I feel like they know I’m not okay but I just push it all off I cry sometimes

my ex and i at least used to be on really good terms (like, post break-up) and we talked all the time (we have a shared discord server) but i legitimately cannot remember the last time she's replied to me. her wife has, and her roommate/best friend has, but she hasn't ever since i had like. a suicidal meltdown and she shut me down. i think i pissed her off? but i have literally no idea and she never said anything, so neither did i. i'm like, terrified and crying as i type this lmao. justl. nothing. like fuck i'd rather if she'd blocked me and at least told me what the fuck is going on. like something has just got to give because i can't deal anymore. i can't ask because i'd come across as needy or manipulative. i just don't know what i did wrong. she was like my best friend and now just nothing. its' been months

Plz. Anything to calm me down rn. Mad at the world atp

Since leaving high school my anxiety has become to much of a problem to ignore. I’ve been putting off therapy since when I was young, It didn’t seem to help and it just made me feel like I was crazy Is it worth trying again? I live in Melbourne, Australia, Can someone recommend a therapist that they have had a positive experience with?

I actually went into my first every psychiatrist appointment and first time I got diagnosed for a psychological disorder at 22. I always knew something was off about my mental state as a whole but always compared it to what others went through (or atleast my perception was that what I experienced was nothing compared to severity of any disorder). I actually went in for a possible inattentive ADHD diagnosis but in turn got told I suffer with anxiety and possibly underlying ADHD. I wasn't surprised about the anxiety part. Quite relieved to be finally validated after years of feeling confused. The psychiatrist said that I should see her in a month's time to update her on if whether I still experience ADHD symtoms. The thing is I've always been someone to steer clear of medication as a whole. I don't like how I feel on it irrelevant of what it's used for. That being said, I feel like my anxiety has been behind so many missed opportunities and a general sense of nervousness behind anything and everything I do in my life and I'm sick of living this way. I got prescribed 10mg Lexapro for daily use. I've read up on so many (terrifying) side effects of SSRI's and how they "change" personality or the structure of the brain even after a single dose. There's so many Reddit forums on "how SSRI's ruined my life". The idea of taking meds for anxiety is inducing even more anxiety and I'm scared to even start my first dose.. which I should be taking right now but I'm not. I'm so fucking scared. I need some advice and guidance from everyone. I feel so lost and scared about this.

I have nobody right now. Nobody wants to talk to me. It’s hurting me in my situation it’s making me feel worse about myself. I keep crying about everything that’s going on why am I like this ?

I recently opened a bank account and got a debit card for the first time and while it is 10x better overall than dealing with cash, I now have to deal with the fresh hell of entering debit card number, date, name, and CVV. SO MUCH ROOM FOR ERRORS, oh my God. I have gone from counting my money a dozen times before checking out in person to sitting here for 15 minutes checking every digit and letter over and over when making purchases and whatnot online. And even after, I am still always worried I've screwed up.

I feel like shit, and I feel incredibly unstable. I go from feeling great one day to cutting myself the next. I also have a really weird relationship whit other people. For example one day I think someone is the greatest person ever, but the next day if I experience something negative regarding them (like really minor things) then I end up feeling like that hate me. I feel so guilty about this stuff since I know it’s all in my head, but that just makes me feel worse. I don’t know what to do, I hate feeling like this. Sorry if the text was written in a weird way, im really tired rn.

it’s getting to me I’ve been depressed my whole fucking life as far back as I can remember, I’m only 23 does this shit ever stop or at least get better? Fuck. On meds currently have tried a plethora of them but no matter what I’m always just fucking down and ready for it all to end when i have to act happy I’m just being fake, I just see shit for how it is and maybe that’s why i have this outlook. I try to tell myself the old cliche “oh it’ll get better, tomorrow’s a new day yada yada” idk why I tell myself these things when I don’t feel any truth to it. at a loss . I think abt suicide daily but really don’t think I would ever do it.I feel like I want to do it but am too pussy to actually do it. God forbid I live to be 60,70,80 years old. that just sounds so horrible to me. I feel like I’ve been alive forever already! I’m just ready to go on my next adventure...whatever that may be .. first time posting here ..cause if I say this to anyone around me I’ll end up in the mental ward...

I have a tattoo appointment in like 3 hours, a little less, and I have bad anxiety. I've gotten tons before but last year around the same time I tried to get one and I had a heavy panic attack that lasted a long time and I had to chicken out of it. I didn't go and I just blocked the artist's number. I've been trying to get over this because I want several more but I am anxious about it. I put down $50 for it and I have the appointment in 2 and a half hours now. I'm just rrying to feel better here and I don't want to chicken out again. I have a heavy fear of throwing up, and that made it horrible last time. Because I felt so nauseous and I chickened out last minute. Any advice here?

I’ve thought for a long time time that between anhedonia and mood “stabilizers” I wasn’t even capable of the fun kind of love. But I’m stupid, happy, 1950s-teenager-at-the-drive-in-and-going-for-milkshakes-after kind of happy. It really fucking bothers me that my loved ones are taking such care to remind me that I’m “sick” and any joy I feel is probably just part of my pathology.