Datasets:

Kanakmi

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mental-disorders

like 9

I want to cry, but I'm in the gym and about to pump some serious weight.

I cannot stop spending every paycheck I get. I literally spend every night searching for new clothes and things to buy because I feel a desperate need for a new wardrobe so I can feel like Me. It sucks and I’m only 20 and work minimum wage so I’m definitely damaging myself financially but it’s just so easy to click Buy. If anyone has any advice or coping skills for this as well that’d be siiiiiiiiiiiick.

I started a new job in-office after wfh for 3 years. It’s a cooshy job with my own office, it’s quiet and laid back, no micromanaging, and I enjoy it. But since I started my anxiety has been through the roof. I have done loads of therapy and mindset work so I’m not allowing thoughts to feed into my physical symptoms. I consciously like what I’m doing and I’m in touch with how grateful I am for the life I live. So why am I stuck in constant fight or flight? I just don’t get it. I’m so jumpy that the a/c clicking on and off will cause me to jump. I have no appetite, my hands shake, I can’t remember shit. I’ve had a migraine headache for the last two days. Every day when I drive home I get so nauseated that I have to pull over. And again, there are no conscious thoughts associated with these episodes. No thoughts of pending doom. Just debilitating physical symptoms. My psych gave me propranolol but it hasn’t made a difference. Clonazepam definitely helps but I don’t want to take it every day. The only other time it’s been this bad was when I was working 70 hours a week and knew I needed to quit my job, so I’m surprised that this is happening now when things are pretty good. It just feels like my nervous system has gone haywire. Has anyone ever had this happen? Is this just an episode that I should treat it daily until it goes away?

Hello everyone, today I took 1,500 milligrams of lamotrigine, which is 15 times my normal dosage. I’m 190 lbs and 6 feet tall. I feel a bit dizzy and sometimes I start shaking but apart from that I feel no other symptoms. Will this kill me?

I can't find anything online where there are regular members chatting at all times

Hi guys! My name is Holly, I am recruiting participants for my thesis project on the function of sex and sexual risk-taking (e.g., having sex without a condom, engaging in sexual activities after consuming alcohol) behaviour in those with Borderline Personality Disorder features for my Masters degree in Forensic Psychology. **\*CONTENT WARNING\*** \- Some information provided, or answers given, may be sensitive to some participants. Please consider this carefully before deciding to participate. Although the mention may be brief, such questions are those surrounding sensitive areas: • Addictions • Death • Violence/abuse • Body image issues • Crimes • Mental Health Issues • Distressing/Traumatic experience • Questions of a Sexual nature Therefore, if such topics are likely to cause you distress, it is advised that you do not participate. If individuals decide to participate it should take between 25-30 minutes and is completely voluntary. Participants must be aged 18 or above. Participants with a diagnosis of BPD are encouraged to take part if they feel comfortable to do so and/or have sought advice from their psychiatrist (if assigned one) beforehand. Firstly, you will give consent, then fill out your demographic information. Following this, you will be asked to complete a sequence of 4 questionnaires. Then, 3 questions will be asked to detail your experiences, in your own words, of what your most recent sexual encounter was like, and what purpose this served. **If you would like to take part, please click on the following link:** [https://unioflincoln.eu.qualtrics.com/jfe/form/SV\_8qRcHOMxgWrz70O](https://unioflincoln.eu.qualtrics.com/jfe/form/SV_8qRcHOMxgWrz70O) Thank you! University of Lincoln Ethics reference: UoL2022\_8977

I have been diagnosed since the age of 15 (UK) and re diagnosed multiple times with more disorders to a list that just keeps growing. So as much as I know on a personal level about BPD, I’m still not 100% on the diagnosis criteria. I’ve heard BPD is the most misdiagnosed disorder. So I’m going to make assumptions and please correct me if I’m wrong. Does it last forever? I know it can be treated to be reduced to barely any symptoms, but is it a permanent neurological change in the brain? Or am I getting disorders mixed up. How much of the 9 criteria do you have to fit into in order to be diagnosed, and how long do the symptoms need to last? Do you HAVE to be a self harmer? I hallucinate a lot, and have schizoaffective as well as BPD, but I cannot tell the difference between schizophrenic hallucinations and BPD induced hallucinations. Are they different from each other? Can I say I relate to a schizophrenic whilst having a slightly different diagnosis? Is psychosis common in BPD patients?

I think my best friend's accidental death was hilarious! This happened in 2013. My friend, 19, had just moved into a house on his own. Unfortunately for him, he had worsening diabetes, and was becoming resistant to his insulin. In a case of being in the wrong place at the wrong time, he fell unconscious at the top of the stairs, and fell, cracking his skull riiiiiight open! WHAM! WHAPLOOOSH! Blood everywhere. His parents found him dead in a pool of blood! How epic is that?! Now he's got me curious how much blood was in that great big noggin of his! I had a migraine episode right after finding out about his death, and these migraines, to the untrained eye, make me look as though I'm crying when I'm really not! My parents told me to grow up and I'm childish for crying, but they couldn't understand, I don't cry! It's just a rare neurological condition I have that strikes out of the blue. It happening right after I got the message that my best friend was just found dead was simply coincidental! YET at the same time, there's this weird, nagging feeling that I don't suffer from migraines that make me look like I'm crying, and this feeling I get is... it's like I am seeing things from the perspective of my dead friend, feeling his emotions and that causes me to.. act strangely. I don't know what is going on.

I was splitting so hard last night and usually when I split on my gf I just get irritable and sad but not angry and aggressive, but last night I got very angry and said a lot of things I didn’t mean and ended up hurting her feelings and now I feel like the worst person ever. I know how I truly feel about her but I can’t imagine what it would be like to hear those things I said from someone you love, if the roles were reversed I would be totally heartbroken. I feel like shit, I still don’t feel good towards her. Im not angry at her but I feel apathetic or something. I was so triggered for no reason, just an hour before my episode I was overly affectionate and so happy, almost in tears of happiness over her. And then a few hours later I was telling her how much I didn’t care and didn’t want to talk to her, everything she would say was making me angry. I know I can’t stop the splitting bc it’s part of bpd but I’m really scared. I’ve never been that hostile towards her and I don’t want to be ever again but if I’ve done it once, what if it happened again? I’m scared for myself and for our relationship

It just makes me think I’m a weak link in my team and I feel so worthless

I wake up everyday do not know how my mind state will be, regardless of my attempt to cope with my emotions, I can not manage it, today i wake up in a dark mind state, I feel the urge to cry to shout to run to avoid everything and everyone even life! The trigger for me is guys I like but they do not like me back, and just want to use me and abuse me verbally and saying bad things about the way I look or even laugh at it, but I can not draw boundaries, so i get hurt but still keep attach to the abuser even worse, the more badly he say things about me I feel more attached! That was yesterday, but the crying session happen today, cause my emotions takes a while until effect me and crush me down! I went to my exercise session and found it been cancelled without sending me an email, I got so mad! And yesterday my friends disappointed me somehow! I came home do not know how to control the emotions I feel and does not know how i feel, it is just too much pain, I can not stop crying and I wanna die! It is bad as it can get! Life hard in this situation, I know I am sick and it is the BPD not the real me, but how to cope? how to find the real me? how to connect with myself to find a way to live?

Almost any time that I have an issue or conflict I’m constantly wondering if I’m overreacting or not, and I feel like no amount of self awareness or reflection helps. Like my own brain is gaslighting me. Is my partner spending too much time gaming or am I being clingy and overreacting? Am I asking too much of them or is it a reasonable request for more time together? Was that persons comment inappropriate or am I being too sensitive? It’s just stuff like this all the time. I want to express my feelings to people but I don’t want to overwhelm or be manipulative without realizing it. I feel like I have no gauge of what normal emotional reactions are and it genuinely makes me feel too sensitive for this world. I hate it.

When I was 7 years old my family moved from a small rural town, to a slightly bigger small rural town. I have lived here for 14 years now, but in 2 weeks I am moving to a much larger city for college. I have never lived in a town with more than 7,000 people and am getting very anxious about the whole deal. Any tips about living as a college student in a large city to quell my nervousness?

I’m not someone who makes friends easily. At all. I have had plenty of “friends”, I guess, but I’ve ghosted 100% of those people. I start a job or something, pretend for a while, move away and delete all social media and everything to start over again. Done that cycle over and over again. Not exactly happy with it, but it really is the least shitty option for me personally. I guess being around people generally just makes me feel more alone than when I’m actually by myself. I did know one person once though, that didn’t make me feel like that. A girl I used to work with, we became friends pretty quickly and I guess we just had good chemistry or something. But I guess because my brain doesn’t know how to handle that, doesn’t have experience with genuine kindness, it went ahead and mistook it for love. But I knew the love was one sided so I never said anything. Then the love got ugly, turned to obsession. I tried to push her away because being around her was bad for me, but she didn’t really let me. Could’ve tried harder I guess, but part of me didn’t want to lose her either, even though I knew it would’ve been better for us both. Long story short, I had a suicide attempt, a severe bout of self-harming and she kept supporting me through it for some reason. After I got outta hospital she even bought me two goldfish as a gift, I guess to give me a responsibility to prevent me from trying again. I told her not to, but she’s unyieldingly stubborn. But eventually my drinking problem crescendoed in a night of me blacking out and ending up in hospital, and apparently at some point I decided to text her how I felt. It was pathetic and it absolutely made things weird between us. She said we could still be friends, but I could tell it would never be the same as it was. Went through the whole push and pull thing of blocking her number and then unblocking it, wanting her gone, to wanting things to go back to how they were before. And it really didn’t help that she’d text me out of the blue once a month on average, making me think she still wanted some form of communication with me. Even left her on read for a full month only to have her come back with “good talk” after all that time. But the conversations also weren’t like they were before, used to text for hours and now I couldn’t get more than 5 replies before she was gone for another month. I was so confused about what she wanted, why she’d text first only to seem uninterested in actually talking. I know I should’ve ended it, walked away, but I guess I still didn’t know what I really needed. Anyway, fast forward to now and it’s been seven months since she texted. Our last conversation, she texted me first and then left me on read not long after. Then nothing. Guess I also had the discipline to not engage her again. I still wasn’t sure if she was done with me yet though, I figured the real test would be to see if she sends me a merry Christmas text. She’s done it every year since we met, so I figured if she didn’t do it this year, then I’d know. And low and behold, Christmas came and went and no text. Part of me felt relieved but part of me is absolutely fucked. Just gutted. And as if it was a fucking sign, the second of the two goldfish she bought me died last night. First one died last month, but it was clearly sick for about a week beforehand. This one seemed fine, right up until Christmas Day, I shit you not. And the next day, it just died. Not only that, but it actually swam up into the little plastic flowers that were in there, sort of cone shaped ones, so they were like little cups and it sat itself inside the flower and a few hours later it was cupped in there on its side, not breathing. All I could think about was that scene from Half-Blood Prince where Slughorn talks about his goldfish disappearing the day Lily Potter died. I normally don’t buy into shit like this, and I do mostly think it was still just a coincidence, but man, something about the poetic imagery of that fishes death, dying in the flower like it did, at the exact time I realised my friendship was finally dead too. It’s just fucking rocked me. I thought I’d be mostly relieved when she stopped taking to me, but it hurt so much more than I thought it would. I guess she’s still the only person I’ve ever been able to connect with, so even though I know it’s better this way, it’s still depressing to think I don’t have anyone else in my life at all. But fuck it, I’ll get over it, guess I just needed to vent because of how weird of a coincidence the fish thing was.

I've mainly been put on Zyprexa for anxiety and since I've started it a few weeks ago, I've been having crazy dreams, and frightening nightmares. My depression has been out of control and I've been on so many meds for both depression and anxiety that my doctor has went on to try antipsychotics to help treat my depression + anxiety. I've been diagnosed with severe depression, and currently, I'm on Viibryd and just started Zyprexa. I've been on Viibryd since last year, and I've had more than my fair share of nightmares with it, but it's bearable. However, since I've started Zyprexa, the nightmares have amplified to a level that I can't handle. I'm scared to fall asleep at night due to the nightmares. I've just been thinking that I might have to part with either Viibryd or Zyprexa if the nightmares are going to continue. Idk what my psychiatrist will end up doing when my appointment comes up soon and I hope something that actually works will get done to help my depression. I'm so fucking sick of going to one failed med to another failed med! It's been like this since I was 14, I can't find a med that works, or if one works, it ends up with a bad side-effect to make me have to quit taking it. Namely, the weight gain side-effect, and I hope that this doesn't happen AGAIN with Zyprexa.

Yeah because I haven't tired that already. If it was that simple this Reddit wouldn't even be here. No one on the planet would ever choose to have any form of anxiety!

Holy fucking shit fuck damn hell. That was horribly traumatic and anxiety provoking. I was so fucking exhausted from social interaction and family time and delayed flights that I ended up dissociating so badly that I passed out in the airport and had to be wheeled to my plane. I honestly don't even fully understand how I made it home since I essentially blacked out. I never want to leave my city for at least several months. Just nope. I don't know how I managed to get through it without Xanax or selfharm, but I did. So yay. And thank goodness I am finally home.

I’m bipolar 1, extremely sensitive to SSRIs. If I take them too long, I’ll quickly get manic or mixed. But if I take a very low dose for just like 3 days, my depression lifts and I don’t get any mania. I know it’s dangerous, but it’s not like anything else helps the depression. There’s a dozen medications for mania, but like 2 for depression. And they don’t work for me. I took a low low dose of 5mg of Lexapro today and yesterday, and am feeling a lot better. I’ll take one more tomorrow then stop. (The usual starting dose is like 30mg for reference.) I didn’t tell my provider because I’m mad at her and sick of dealing with her tbh. I’ll tell her when I see her next week. Not looking forward to it. But at least I’m functioning again. I was not before, I couldn’t get out of bed and called into work. Things were starting to look really grim. My provider didn’t believe I was depressed (no idea why, depression late summer is my usual cycle) and wouldn’t do anything, so I helped myself. If that makes me a bad person, I don’t care. I feel better.

I’ll be 26 in a couple days. Things aren’t getting better. They are getting worse. I’m pissed off and looking for a fight. I’m also hungry but I shouldn’t eat because having a bowel movement gives me an anxiety attack. I’m angry at myself. I’m slowly killing myself and I simply can’t do anything about it. My life is slipping away and I’m completely powerless. There is a massive amount of internal unrest that built up over time because of all my failures and my powerlessness over them. I can’t not be like this. I can’t not be lazy. I can’t not be shitty. I tried. I tried again and again. I tried with therapy, I tried with drugs, I tried with both. I tried blaming myself. I tried blaming others. I tried not blaming anybody. I tried doing this, doing that, journals, I don’t know, I tried a lot of different things. The simple fact is that I cannot change who I am. It’s like there is such an incredible amount of inertia built up. I can’t fucking move mountains. I’m going back to school this fall. When I was 17, before going to uni for the first time, I made a prediction. I predicted that things would get worse, much worse. I didn’t think it could get so bad. It did. Now I’m making another prediction. I will fail again. Things will get worse. Fuck I fucking hate this so much. I’m so fucking angry and I’m so fucking powerless over everything. I need to punch something.

Does anyone else get a celebrity as their FP? Then you obsess over them, get all of the information you can on them? Mine is Darren Criss from Glee. I often tend to go off into a fantasy world where I pretend that I actually meet this actor and we become friends, and they fall in love with me, or even just become good friends. It's crazy because IRL I know they're married. When I come back to reality, I sometimes get depressed because I realize they more than likely will never know I exist. It's gotten to the point where I've unfollowed them on social media just to try to help my issue with this. I feel so crazy for even having this issue and wondering if anyone else with BPD does.

I just resigned from my job and told my manager and she hasn’t contacted me back and I have a shift scheduled today what should I do? It’s making me really anxious just want to not do anything

I've heard of super tasters, people that can taste food way more than average. I think I'm( or we) are super emotional people. Not like blubbering all day but I feel emotions stronger. I told a GF this once and I never really got an answer on what she thought. When someone thinks of me and sends me a card or even tells me a song made them think of me, just the fact that someone thought of me makes me very emotional.

So... I learned music theory for a year or two i guess. And now I'm on college. I don't have time for music anymore. And I feel dumb everytime I'm in school. I don't learn much in school. Considering thst I have adhd , i often get bored to the most of subjects, likewise getting overwhelmed by the school projects. Idk why the year that I'm not in school, made me confident in reading and now I'm in school... I feel like all of the practice i did , just went to waste. .idk. Shit.

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Can they be on and off like this or is there always that intense love?

My mom doesn't feel like my mom anymore she's been babysitting for the past month and she never makes time for me .I don't ask for Money I don't ask for things but my brothers get everything they want .My mom babysits 3 days out of the week and we don't do anything anymore .when shes babysitting I'm not allowed to watch TV because 'it might wake the kid up'.she yells at me for walking up the stairs to loud .I don't feel like she's my mom .I want her back .I don't know if its just anxiety but I don'r want to leave my bed anymore I just want to cry constantly.

I'm done. .. my mother doesn't care about me .... My father wants my marks... Everything is breaking... I feel like i can't go on anymore... I really can't cope anymore... I want support but everyone is just too busy or they won't just care ...like life people favours only the strongest.... Failure is never a the part ... Failure can only be a step but what can u do when u have no fucking way... Everyone has left me ... I can't believe this... No one is kind enough to even listen me... It hurts so much... I ask is life so cruel? Are people so cruel? Why didn't anyone tell me before? I would have made myself much stronger prepared myself to be better.. but now i can't get over this pain ... I want to end this i want to end my life...

So I work part time 3-4 days a week in a cafe. I’ve been there for about 2 months. I get on well with my coworkers but the boss gives me so much anxiety. I feel he’s quite passive aggressive and speaks down to me. I can take constructive criticism. It helps actually. But sometimes the “criticism” goes too far, is constant and actually hurts and makes me feel incompetent. The overall management is really unorganised and the stress of the job is getting too much. I also don’t get a proper break to eat. I know I’ve only been there for 2 months but I seriously can’t hack it. And it’s Christmas this week and I feel like I’m gonna cry when it gets so busy. Good news is that I’ve got a trial day in another cafe and they seem much nicer and more organised. But then I’m also anxious if I get the job I’ve got to hand in a notice and we are getting tips and Christmas pay and my trial day is after Christmas I just feel really guilty if I have to leave after the break Any advice is appreciated. Thanks for reading!

Meditation makes me so anxious 😅 I know it’s supposed to have the opposite effect, but for some reason it makes me more anxious. I hyper focus on my breathing and every sensation. I’ve tried so many different ones and I still feel the same way. Anyone else?

Has anyone here had heart flutters during a panic attack? :( Heart flutters which feel like a bird flapping in your chest. Went to the ER for the first time during a panic attack because of these but the doctors cleared me but it’s so hard for my mind to believe that it was just normal palpitations and not SVT or something.

I’m scared that i always have cancer, a lot of cancers don’t have symptoms till later stages and this just makes me so nervous. i can’t go to the doctors without a fear they will suspect cancer it’s exhausting im a teenager and i should be out enjoying my teenage years but i can’t im just in constant fear and everyone just says it’s normal but i don’t think it is. any advice?

I’ve been in therapy for 6 months now and I feel worse than ever. Super depressed, bogged down with sad memories and overwhelmed at times with all that repressed anger and unhappiness. I’m more aware of everything (past events and how it speaks to my current behavior), but it hurts so bad that I’m just constantly checked out. I can’t handle it. I think I want to stop going to therapy. Is it normal? Should I continue?

I don't know what to do. On one hand I don't like feeling like shit all of the time, and overall I would love to be happier. On the other though I really don't want to go to therapy or something and I am even more scared what my family will do or say if they find out about my sh and suicidal problems. What should I do Can you get rid of those problems on your own and if then how?

I have heard so many times that autism is diagnosed quite late in women. I don't like self-diagnosis, but I think the diagnostic criteria for BPD are very vague. I don't function properly socially. It's hard for me to make friends, it's hard for me to catch the jokes (although I manage my own codes for humor well) Does anyone understand me?

I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself. Does anyone have anything to say to convince me otherwise?

For soooooo long I was obsessed with others. The constant chasing and being rejected took a toll on me. Now I am in a better place and Animal Crossing has become my new addiction. Instead of obsessing over people, I deeply care about villagers. It's just so sweet and pure. Even though it's a machine just brings me a lot of comfort and joy. Feels like the villagers really care, like people care. Well least I can always rely on them to make me smile. I LOVE ANIMAL CROSSING

I have been suffering from severe HA for the last 4 years. And not one thing I have been worried about has come true!!! Why can’t I get it through my brain that I’m ok!!!

so recently i’ve been wanting to try LSD however i am scared my BPD could really interfere with my experience. I know everyone’s experience is different, but if you have any experience or knowledge on it, i’d really appreciate it.

JUST VENTING HEY I haven’t been to therapy in a few months but I made an appointment with a new one and I’m having a ton of weird anxious feelings. I was seeing my previous therapist for almost 3 years and it took me a l o n g time to be able to open up to them completely so now the idea of sharing my life story and trauma all over again with a stranger is horrifying to me and I wanna cry about it lmao also I’ve never done therapy via zoom but it seems weird idk any thoughts or encouragement appreciated ❤️

Me and my boyfriend have been together for over a year now. This past week I’ve noticed some lost feelings towards him. We only see eachother 2 times a week if we are lucky due to distance and we haven’t had the time to be alone with eachother either. He agrees with me and said he’s been feeling distant too. I’ve really been overthinking it. It’s made my anxiety worse and I haven’t felt like myself. I love him but it just doesn’t feel the same anymore. Has anyone else had a similar experience? I really need some advice on what to do.

So.. I’ve tried to use google and find some answers but i can get nothing out of it. Recently i managed to defer depression which was with me for the last 3 years if my life. And throughout that time, before it, now, I experience things which I cannot explain to myself at all. I’m going to just create a list of what i find abnormal: - at random times i will start shrieking and groaning, sometimes very loudly and sometimes quite quietly. -i find myself blankly starring into the void, completely unaware of what’s happening around me. - while making those noises i feel like everything is getting louder and louder, that the environment around is closing down on me about to kill me. - my art tends to always depict things or concepts of scary nature. - i find it extremely difficult to trust some new people but then in some cases i will instantly go to the level if willing to die for someone. - sometimes i will go extremely numb to the point of being unable to care about a lost life of someone close to me. -i very often find myself dizzy, unable to properly control my movements. I’m trying my best to list as many things as i can but I just experienced the voice making episode, with thrashing around and groaning through my throat, so I’m unable to think 100% straight, I’m sorry, please if someone who can help me identify what is wrong with me sees this then say something. Thank you.

Does anyone else have hair loss from dog I can’t anxiety/stress? I’m waiting to get bloodwork done but I’m thinking I may have some vitamin deficiencies too 😭

I'm currently at a point in my life that everyone is asking if I'm happy in my marriage. And I have no idea. The topic of divorce is very prevalent right now and all I hear from anyone is "Do what makes you happy. Are you happy with your husband?" And I honestly have no freaking idea. Especially when I'm dealing with so much sadness right now. I've felt happiness, in spurts. I know what the emotion is but how does someone know if they are happy or not in life. Something is definitely missing in our relationship, we are starting counseling to work on things but at the end of the day I have no idea if I'm happy or not. I don't know if I ever really feel happy. Is anyone here happy? How do you know if your happy?

Received a diagnosis for BPD on Friday. Always told I had Bipolar, but now it's changed to BPD diagnosis, apparently. Got another assessment on Wednesday, so could even change again. Can't keep up! Very stressful when trying to focus on stability/normality/my job. I keep reading loads of stigma about BPDs being compulsive liars, narcissists and manipulators. It's freaking me the fuck out. I hate to even consider myself to be that kind of person. Now I'm wondering whether I should have told my close friends/family or gone to a PDoc at all...

Last night my s/o told me to kill myself as well as telling me that I'm fat, ugly and that nobody likes me. I'm trying to have respect for myself, but the temptation to actually kill myself is still there. If I leave him, then I have to go to my family in another state that's also abusive. I feel so depressed.

can anybody says to me that everything will be okay. i really need it right now

I can’t be sure if I’m being too clingy, pushing my SO away, being too demanding or all of the above. I can’t stop crying because they’ll never love me as much as I love them and I feel like I’ll sabotage the best thing I’ve ever had. I’m hyper aware of his flaws (which in actual fact are very minor), but also blame myself for everything and I’m so subservient. Please tell me that it can get better??

So my fiancee started a new 3rd shift job so I'm home at night and I've suddenly began to have severe anxiety for no apparent reason, along with trouble sleeping, night sweats, nightmares, *this one bugs me the most* sudden phobia of the dark. I'm normally a 3rd shifter been out of work for 2 weeks. I have general and social anxiety. The only time I've had night sweats before is when I was on sertraline and wellbutrin been off of them for about 13 months. Anyone else had things like this happen with a change in schedule/routine?

The past week and especially past day, I’ve been unable to stop myself from doomscrolling and reading about various bad news. I go to subreddits that heavily focus on these things and scroll through the comments looking at everyone else’s fearful or fear-invoking thoughts and opinions. I guess I’m trying to look for reassurance from someone smart that things will be okay, but I don’t find it. I know this is really harmful for me, but I feel like I can’t stop. I also just started a new med (concerta) this week to help with my adhd and I feel like it’s made me feel worse. I’ve been on regular Ritalin and haven’t had many bad side effects, but my psych wanted me to give concerta a try. I feel like it’s made my suicidal ideation worse, though I am quite positive I’m not going to physically harm myself. It’s all just so scary and I can’t stop myself from looking, even though I know how harmful it is for me. I’ve tried to do activities like walks in nice places, going to coffee shops, playing video games, but nothing is helping.

I think it’s harder with BPD because of the intense emotions. My ex and I have been broken up for 18 months and he wants nothing to do with me. I still love him and hoped we would be together one day. I hurt him a lot and said a lot of rude and disrespectful things to his family. They no longer approve of me, I went into treatment and got better but he doesn’t want anything to do with me.

There's a nightmare I keep on seeing tonight, because of my anxiety tonight and I can't sleep. I'm sleeping alone, as always so there's nobody by my side to comfort me. Not surprising as my while has been one shortcoming after another. It's happening, as I'm at a really stressful point in my life. It's very terrifying.

I feel like I’m a constant state of despondency. I’m so incredibly stuck inside my own head and it terrifies me. Nothing truly excites me anymore and I’m becoming more and more distant with everyone I know. I feel like this feeling is never going to end. How do you cope?

manic/depressed or high/low. neither of these conditions change how I feel about bipolar disorder or how I feel about life in general. I think life sucks and I feel like I have to lie to people just to fit in. I desperately want to feel normal. I don't feel like a human but not in the way most people can relate to. i wrote an entire post trying to put it in to perspective and it just seemed so insane and unstable. I know I would just be shunned long before being supported. it's nothing creepy or illegal. it's like being an android.

i grew up in a very dysfunctional family, one that has left a long-standing effect on my mental health. one of the best feelings in the world was being able to step away from them to a partner who truly loves me and sees me not as a burden, but as a light in his life. it was the first time i ever felt like i meant anything special. we've been together for a few years now, and i've since moved out of my parent's house. we live together. but my condition/the way i am is very taxing for him now, especially since he works from home. he tries to be so patient with me, i know he does, but i'm super-sensitive, cry at the drop of a hat, and take the tiniest of things the wrong way, and now it's all rlly inconvenient. i'm beginning to feel like a burden again... i know he loves me (he says as much) but he's also been very honest about how mentally taxing my episodes can be for him too. i don't want to be a burden or to negatively affect him, but i can feel myself starting to do so. does anyone have ANY advice to keep the negativity/anxiety/depression out of the center of the relationship? sure, it's a part of it, but i don't want it to be the whole picture, for his sake. i'm at a loss and everyday i keep making it harder and harder for him. even the smallest advice on what i could do, i'd be extremely grateful for.

I used to be that person who was a people pleaser, always a yes man, afraid of saying no and sticking up for myself. I used to care about other and loved being an upstanding individual, but now? I legit do not give a fuck or care about anybody except for my family, gf, and few close friends. I just simply don’t care anymore unless it affects me somehow. I use to be nice and easy going and always bend my back for people and I was just a huge pushover, and I still have those tendencies but now Im mostly just stubborn and self interested and I feel like it’s to a fault. No I’m not gonna fucking help plan a work party or work BBQ, no I’m not gonna sacrifice my off time to go do lame volunteer work (military tries to force volunteerism up your ass a lot and they get pissy when you don’t). No i won’t join some gay ass “Activity council” to get “involved”, fuck you. No I’m not going to be flexible. Yes, I will probably change my mind last second and absolutely be an inconvenience. A few years ago I would have absolutely done every single one of those things at the expense of myself even if I didn’t want to all because I wanted to be nice and thought good would come out of it. All I care about now are my loved ones, going to work & getting paid, and finishing my degree. I don’t care about any extra BS or anyone else’s shit anymore. Yet here I am at the end of all this, still feeling bad and kicking myself when I put myself/family and my feelings first. I know I’m hypocritical saying “idgaf about anyone” and posting here expecting someone to read this, but I guess that just brings us back to the title of this post.

I'm a male, 26. I was clinically diagnosed with depression when I was 19. These last few days have been extremely difficult, but thankfully I have learned some techniques for controlling my emotions (I am a psychology graduate). I've been questioning my existence lately. I can't help comparing myself to my friends' or batchmates' "successes", while here I am unemployed and haven't achieved anything in my life yet. I've been idle for months now, doing nothing, unmotivated, spending most of my time alone in my room laying in bed. I'm thinking of ending everything right now.

I am on Zoloft 100mg and Abilify 5mg and I can't stand up from the tiredness. How long will this side effect occur? Can I do something about this? I have zero energy and it is affecting me way too much.

Last anger phase was just under a week ago! (when i beat my face with muh fists/ and a fight broke out me and my FP) I still don't know what cause these kind of suffer in many years. why i want to be mean to my FP? why i want to beat the hell out and murder people? maybe i'll never know. but i may suffer through my whole life.

I'm 18, M with depression. It's really hard for me to find friends, and in my whole life I got about 10-20 friends. But I can't rely on my friends to help me and prove me that I'm more than a fcking ghost to them. It's like a certified boomerang that never comes back. I'm so broken and shattered into pieces that the only thing I can do to not be ashamed by myself is to put a mask on whenever someone talks to me. Whatever I do, I'm forgettable. I got an abusive mother in my childhood and it made me so cold and so numb at the same time... I never learnt how to smile, so everyone around me assumes that I'm sad and it's the case.

I’m like. Constantly tense. I feel on edge almost all the time even if I’m by myself. I am not too stressed but I do worry a lot. Around people I am talking to I feel shaky and nervous, unless I’m comfortable around them, but around family and immediate family, I feel nervous, tense, like I can’t breathe. I try to breathe in and out but it’s so uncomfortable. On inhale I can’t even breathe in that much and it’s shaky. Exhale feels shaky. Does anyone else feel this way? It’s really weird and I just want to feel relaxed. Think it’s more common too when I’m not wearing a bra. My cup size is D. Sorry weird but yeah. Don’t know if that’s a factor.

I can never win. I’m always the bad guy even when I’m not.

If you rang your doctor ( lockdown here we can’t have face to face appointments) and you told them you were hearing voices, debating suicide, advising them you are so angry you will attack the next person who looks at you wrong and you’ve never felt this unwell in your 13 years of the disease would your doctor A. Provide support etc B. Get you to a hospital C. Send you a text message with a number for a free care line and let out a huge sigh when the conversation ends and you’ve spent 20 minutes in tears to them. Answer away people.

Recently I got Covid so I just stayed home all week long. even though I’ve been vaccinated 3 times already I still haven’t recovered yet. I miss my friend so much. I thought I would be able to see him soon but he’s going on a trip this weekend. It’s just been a week since I last saw him but this distance is killing me. I’m so lonely, almost feel like I’m dying. I text him everyday and very often I’m worried that I might be bothering him with texts too much. I feel so anxious when I’m at social gatherings and I only feel safe when I’m around him. I get extremely jealous when other girls flirt at him, I don’t understand why I feel like this at all. I know that being this much clingy is not healthy at all, and at some point we’re gonna be disappointed at each other. All this makes me so frustrated. I hate my life so much

Long story short, I got my first and only depo injection to help with endometriosis eight months ago and one morning I woke up with a slew of symptoms. Mainly severe GI symptoms, heart palpitations, muscle aches, chills, lethargy, and severe anxiety that causes me to have massive attacks, jolt awake multiple times a night, makes me jittery and gives me rls. I've been to a handful of specialists and have had multiple labs and tests done, everything comes back normal. One doctor was insistent it was endo belly and so I got a complete hysterectomy and am on estrogen now. Prior to all of this I already had ankalosing spondylitis, chronic pain, ptsd, and depression but I had never had anxiety like this, much less just waking up with it out of the blue. My primary is positive I'm just dealing with anxiety and I am now waiting to get into to see a therapist that accepts my insurance. Last visit I thoughtfully wrote all of my symptoms out for a week and she still said it all could be attributed to anxiety and gave me a prescription of cymbalta. I am already seeing a psychiatric prescriber and am on remeron and .5 klonopin among a bunch of others. I am gong to have to taper off of these meds at some point, why throw another one on if you aren't even sure (I had questions about interactions and she literally shrugged her shoulders)? I know cymbalta isn't considered "addictive" but I've read the tapering horror stories. Why not wait to see if therapy could help or see what they think about adding more meds? I feel like an asshole for digging my heels in here. Am I wrong, should I give it a try? Are there any positive stories?

Every time I’m put on an anti psychotic, I start getting extreme panic attacks after being on them for 6 or so weeks. What does this mean? I had my dna tested and all anti psychotics came back as completely safe and can be processed correctly by my body. My mood has been a little better but does anyone have any idea about why this is happening? Or similar experiences?

So for the first time in almost a year I got access to a new mental health resource. I was prescribed Pristiq. Just started on it so I haven't really been given the opportunity to feel its full effects directly (since like most meds it apparently takes a couple weeks to take effect). At least to start, I'm supposed to take 1 50mg extended release tablet each morning. In the next week or so I have another appointment in which I might also be prescribed Topomax again. I didn't have the best time on Topomax last time, but that may have been the dosage. Basically, I'm looking to see if anyone else here has been on Pristiq and what their experiences with it were/are/etc? Also, if anyone has been on Topomax and Pristiq at the same time, I would appreciate some advice. Overall, anything you can contribute is very much appreciated. Also, if this information matters: I'm 21 years old, female, 175cm, and average weight. (just thought I would add this info since things like age, gender, height and weight can have an impact on a drug's effects)

I’m going to school rn and I barley have any motivation to go, I skip classes all the time. My grades were ok but I’m getting more and more work and have trouble staying focused. I feel like I’m just wasting everyone’s time. I have no friends, I disappointed everyone in my family multiple times due to just being to depressed to do anything. All I want in life is a healthy relationship and some good friends but I have zero social skills so that stuff likely won’t ever come to me. I’m 20, barley know how to drive, I’m overweight and my bedroom is a mess. I’ve gone to therapy and have tried so many medications but nothing ever seems to help. It’s getting really hard to go on. I don’t have any hobbies that interest me anymore and have no clue what I’m gonna do with my life if I even make it another year Sorry for rambling and getting off topic, life has just been really hard. I wish things would get better but no matter what I try, they never do

I feel like whenever I gather up the courage to reach out to someone for help when I feel very low or feel like people hate me I always end up regretting that I did so. People always say talking about it will make you feel better but I feel as if sometimes bpd can have the opposite affect. For example : Today I reached out to my best friend and he didn't respond particularly great initially when I expressed my frustration with always feeling like everyone hates me. I won't go into everything we said or he said or whatever but after a small conflict (which drove me extremely low very fast because I thought I was going to be abandoned by my best friend) we eventually sorted it out, apologized for whatever necessary and ended the conversation on a good note. However, I keep telling myself "if you had never opened up to him in the first place or talked about anything, he wouldn't have been frustrated with you and everything would still be fine. Now he's going to remember this forever and he won't be so understanding next time." And basically convincing myself I ruined everything that tiny bit more by opening up to my friend about feeling sad. Despite knowing this is all just the bpd talking I find myself doing this a lot and constantly regretting whenever I involve anybody else in my emotions. Does anyone else get this?

For some reason, people seem to think I look like the artists impression of Christ. Being logical about it, most "reasonable" people would know that Jesus was not a tall white guy with long flowing brown locks, he would have had much darker skin, & likely black hair. Anyone who's actually read the bible would know that the description that is given of Jesus in Revelation is white hair, & "his feet like unto fine brass, as if they burned in a furnace" - meaning, again, not a white guy. The first time I was called Jesus was over 20 years ago. It's happened at jobs, social gatherings (karaoke, etc), but mainly followed me around to my jobs, & continued even after I was nice about it & asked them to call me by my given name. It is now to the point where I will verbally go off on someone if they call me Jesus because I can't fucking st& it. My name is NOT Jesus, I look nothing like him, call me by my name! My uncle thinks I am overreacting, & has also told me I should cut my hair so people won't call me that any more. I have a problem with this. Why should I change my physical appearance to avoid being called a name that I find extremely offensive? Yes, at first, it was kind of funny. But after so long, it got old, & annoying. I asked, then told, then dem&ed people call me by my given name. At one employer, the son of the owner kept calling me Jesus because he knew it pissed me off, then he had the gall to tell me I need to get thicker skin. I told him no, it's basic respect, & by doing what he was doing, he was being a bully, & to call me by my name. I filed a complaint against an employer for this happening, & their atty drew up a letter painting the company in a positive light (because, why not?), & in this letter, they said “a hostile work environment must rise to the level of objective & subjective offensiveness to a reasonable person” (sidenote, in my complaint, I stated that this was the beginning of harassment & a hostile work environment was forming). I take issue with this; they are implying & I am being unreasonable on wanting to be called by my given name. The owner knew about my hatred of the nickname before I started, & he claimed it wouldn't be a problem. It was also stated, & I laugh at this one: “As understood by most reasonable people, the word "Jesus" is not, in & of itself, offensive in the style of a racial epithet, profanity, or sexual slur. We do not know whether the co-workers called him "Jesus" in good humor, or sarcastically, or, conversely, as a way of suggesting that him of a pious person, worthy of respect. “ I am not a christian, & I do not go spouting off my path to anyone who will listen. My path is my own, & I don't share my religion with people, because it's a personal thing. Everyone who wants to call me Jesus seems to think I'm the asshole; it's worse when there's family involved. I have an appt to see if I have PTSD because of this name that has been a constant pain for 20+ years, and i've been mocked for that. Apparently, I'm an "attention seeker" since I "has based his look on Jesus." ​ wtf is wrong with you people?

I’m going to take a test online and I didn’t prepare and it’s due at 9AM tomorrow. I know I shouldn’t act on impulse but after my zoom class ends I’m just going to have some stuff up on my phone and hope for the best. I have a really great gpa and I’m going to transfer this year but I’m so burnt out I just want to drop out it at least be ok with not receiving all As this semester but I know I’ll have lower chance in getting in to UCLA And I just feel like I’m not going to be great at my new school and I’m so so worried and I’m placing so much on this one test I just feel like I need a break but I can’t.

How are you guys able to work to be able to afford living, go to the gym and work on your dreams while having great connections with family and friends? I feel like capitalism is so strong it just sucks every ounce of energy I have in my body, let's say if I go to gym after work I'll be drained and have no energy to work on my creative projects which are my purpose in life. I feel so powerless in this world even though I have a dream and I want it more than anything, I just wonder how other people did it. The world is collapsing I am more broke than ever so I need to work more, seems like an infinite loop where I'll never see my dream get materialized How you do guys do it? Any tips or advice..? Thanks ..

I will try to make this as concise as possible. I recently started talking to a guy, and I have a tendency (like most of us do) to get attached very fast and fear abandonment. A few days ago he texted me in the morning and I responded and he waited a grueling 13 hours to respond. I spent all day freaking out and thinking he hated me and didn't want to talk to me anymore. So I proceeded to get drunk and cut myself. I only cut when I drink. I made like 20 cuts and made 2 on my leg- a place I've never cut. I cut again last night, He is starting to pay attention to me and I opened up to him today and asked if he could come over tonight as keep me company but he's working. He has been so sweet and caring and proceeded to send me a list of things to do besides cut. I told him I felt so sorry for dumping this all on him and he said "dump away." I'm afraid I'm going to push him away by revealing too much. But more importantly I feel emotionally unstable. I have never in my life cut this much, ever, And the weirdest thing is I'm not depressed. I feel fucking fine. I'm not suicidal I am happy to be alive. I have one more week of school left and then I am flying home for 17 days. I have tired looking into short term treatment programs back home but they have 2 month wait lists. I should honestly check myself into a hospital because I am scared I am going to cut for the 4th night in the row. Has anyone else ever cut like this before, when they don't feel depressed and felt the need to be hospitalized but due to previous commitments you cant? And please, please don't tell me to just go to the hospital because that isn't an option. Thanks <3

This is going to sound nuts, but I feel like I just need to break down. I want to cry my eyes out and scream. I want to sleep in the dark for two days. I’m tired of trying to hold it together. If you look at me from the outside, it seems like I’m fine. I mean.. my family knows I have anxiety, but they just think I work myself up over nothing once and awhile. Nobody understands that my throat constantly feels like it’s closing up. I’m losing my hair. My heart flutters. I get terrible acid reflux. I make up fake scenarios in my head. If I make a mistake, I beat myself up over it for days. I analyze all my relationships. I’m insecure. I mean.. I can go on and on. But I hold it together everyday for everyone else around me. I don’t want people to think I’m ~crazy~ so I keep it in as much as I can. It’s draining and I feel so alone even though I’m surrounded. I have responsibilities and obligations so I hold it together. But I’m so tired of it. Does anyone else feel like this?

I'm 20 and I have decided to go off of my meds again. They just don't do shit i'm on 160 mg of Geodon and 4 mg of guanfacine. Im planning on staying on the guanfacine I like it but I can't get stoned on geodon, I'm always sleepy, and I feel dull. I hate the feeling and have decided to be done (please don't tell me to take them, I'm sorta beyond that point atm) anyways, I see my shrink thursday can he call my parents and snitch? They'll get really pist because im still pretty physically wounded from an attempt in March.

Is anyone else surprised they made it into 2022? I truly thought I'd be dead by now...

I am in a relationship and an ex-partner wants to sleep with me. There is barely any sex in my relationship, but we live together and are very close emotionally. I've also been very suicidal for a long time, partially due to health problems, and it feels like such a waste to be wanted but say no. Simultaneously, the very debate makes me even more suicidal because it's so exhausting to have two subunits of my mind fight. I want to self injure very badly because of this, and simultaneously want the relief from every day pains this would momentarily bring. On top of that, my partner has expressed some openness to an open relationship, but is simultaneously a very jealous person. I'm thinking about this while simultaneously overwhelmed about everything - finances, health problems, you name it. It also feels like the small comforts in life keep me from killing myself, and keeping myself from killing myself is something I only really understand as a kindness to my family, because I want out. Posting is hard because of the exposure and some other stuff. Wishing all the best.

For quite a while, I have had intensely violent thought. I've been depressed and anxious my whole life, and I finally got diagnosed this past summer with: BPD, depression, social phobia, and anxiety. Could it be my BPD that causes the violence? I fantasize about killing people -- specific people, and when I get upset it is like there is a electric whirring or some sort of feedback in my head, and I know its the people around me and their mocking and hate of me that is causing that noise and pressure. I guess my mind is telling me that if I get rid of them, then I will have some calm and quite. My knowledge of BPD is embarrassingly limited, and I am wondering if these types of feelings are normal. Thanks.

My husband thinks pregnancy will make my BPD worse (if we decide to have a baby). Thoughts, facts, or perspective?

I just started a graduate program in a new city, and I'm really lonely here. My boyfriend is on the opposite coast from me and will be for the next few months. I've always had trouble making friends. The last real friend I had was my childhood best friend. I ended up cutting her off in ninth grade when she became severely anorexic and I couldn't deal with her lies anymore. Since then, I've been really unsuccessful making female friends. I don't know if it's because I never had a good female relationship (my mother is crazy), but I don't relate well to women and they seem to not like me. When I try to make friends with men, they tend to fall in love with me or try to sleep with me. My acquaintances tell me that they see me as an extroverted, charming person who makes friends easily. But that's just how I act. I make lots of acquaintances, but they rarely turn into friendships. Sometimes, I feel like an alien, because people all seem so different from me. How does someone with BPD go about making friends?

Since I was a child, she wanted to hve complete conteol over me. She was not like this with my other 3 siblings. Whenever I do something that slightly is against her rules, she snaps ans calls me names, as if I am the worst of her children. My other siblings repeatedly were awful children, leaving her abruptly and commiting crimes. I never took any sort of drug, never drank always went to school and wanted to get good grades. Whenever I didnt obey her, ahe would scream at me as if I was one of her other children, but yet not one time did I see her scream like this at her other children doing worse things. Ahe just screamed at me for wearing a dress that goes to my knees, said that it is the same as if I would walk around naked and then when I told her I am not a bad person and not like my siblings, she just aggressively threw a bottle on the floor and ran off. I dont know what to do anymore

Over the last two years I: * Beat severe depression and suicidal tendencies * Got diagnosed with, and started treatment for, Bipolar II, OCD, PTSD and BPD * Found the perfect balance between medication and therapy * Left my favorite job after having a mental breakdown, but then GOT HIRED BACK after I recovered * Strengthened relationships with my friends and family Over the last two WEEKS I: * Got a promotion at work (the same place I had a breakdown in less than a year ago) * Beat false accusations and trumped up criminal charges * Decided with my psychologist that I only need to see him once a month * Got ANOTHER promotion at work (I am now a supervisor!!!) * Reached out to family members I haven't spoken to in months * Paid down my credit card * Started going out with friends again All in all, not a bad time in my life. In fact, I feel better than ever before.

Does anyone experience have you legs on both or one side all the time?

Some of my friends families have very organized family get together and they sound like a bind of fun. My immediate family does little to nothing. My fiancé’s family does the same thing every time. Guys drink and cook outside. Drink beer and literally do nothing. Talk some Women sit inside and cook. Talk some I usually bring my video games and play with the kids. But this is also hard because there is a lot of chaos and I’m afraid of my stuff being broken. Either way, I envy these organized family get togethers. With games and activities. More than just sitting and talking about the same stuff.

So I know I’ve made bad decisions in life, and some of those decisions have both hurt me and other people. And after recently finding out I have BPD, it helps put me at ease that a lot of the emotions I feel and the mental states I go into can be worked through and bested. But there are times when it feels like I’m a completely different person, and then I cant explain to people that I have BPD and I don’t feel like myself at times. They always tell me I’m justifying my behavior and that I’m trying to just make excuses. Like I know that my actions are my fault alone, and that nothing excuses the bad things I do. I just want people to understand that I’m sometimes not all there, and I do stupid shit sometimes. I get that they don’t have to deal with that, but I just feel helpless

I dont even remember what it feels like to genuinely be happy, i get some days were Im myself but usually its only for a bit and I fall into this deep state of being silent and sad. I dont know how people cope with this. I just feel so sad and I cant do anything about it. I want to die but I cant bring myself to put that pain on my family or friends. i dont know what to do with my life.

Hello everyone. Just a disclaimer: I don’t have BPD. I don’t meet the minimum number of traits to be officially diagnosed, but I have several. They are significant enough that they’re talked about in therapy, I take meds for the mood swings and …etc, but no, I don’t fit the minimum number of symptoms for diagnosis, hence I do not have BPD, just traits, the biggest being Mood Swings. So I’ve been SOOOOO happy for the first time in a long time. I know, I can tell this extreme euphoria is my mood swings. But they’ve been so good! I don’t want them to go away! Sometimes it feels so good, it feels like I’m on drugs, like I’m high like there’s electricity flowing inside me. But MOST of the time, it’s just normal happiness. I don’t want to take meds that will make them go away! I’ve been so happy, so creative, so ME!! Like my happiest, most hyper, cheery, self. Just like I used to feel as a kid! And the hyper happy mood swings, like I explained, they’re not extreme! It’s not like mania. I feel confident and amazing, but NOT like I’m better than anyone else, I just finally feel good! I feel energetic and excited, and confident but I’m not doing anything risky or dangerous. I’m not doing anything extreme, I’m just living life as I normally would, but just in a state of happiness, and euphoria. AND my anxiety is suddenly almost non existent! I sing and dance around the house without fear of being judged. And when I do get judged, I DON’T CARE!!! THATS SUPER NEW TO ME!! Idk. I’m scared that if I am out on stronger meds. The happiness will go away. I have anxiety and depression. For the first tile in a long time I’ve gotten relief thanks to these happy mood swings. I don’t want to loose them right now 😔

I feel stuck. The days are passing by. Anytime I try to make changes it doesn’t do enough and the depression just stays there. Day after day i am anxious about tomorrow and its unique challenges. Day after day i worry i am not doing enough now. Day after fucking day I am reminded how little of this fucking town actually cares. Day after fucking day. It feels like ill never be able to stop feeling this way.

Does anyone have advice to me about how to let go of my ex boyfriend that kept hurting me? It was emotional, he has an addiction to sexting, and I kept going back to him but I don’t want to anymore. I just need tips on how to stop feeling for him and letting go of this.

Forgot to take my meds 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

DISCLAIMER.. This is not intended for self promotion but I just want the world to know part of my story and how my music relates to it. Hey my name is John Meins and I have bipolar type I. I was diagnosed a year ago in January of 2021. I have been to the hospital twice now for psychosis and it has been a wild ride to say the least but I've been stable now for a year. I still struggle with wanting to be manic since it was such an extreme high for me but I'm doing ok. Anyways, just thought I would share one of my songs that is relevant to my journey. I hope you enjoy it and let me know what you think. If you want to listen to more you can search my name (John Meins) on any music platform and I should pop up. Thanks guys!! https://soundcloud.com/john-meins/time

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This isn't borderline related but my BPD is making it all worse... I'm spiraling... I want to hurt him.. I know I won't but... I wanna... I'm a 14 year old female and my 11 year old brother stole my underwear and bra. I'm gonna keep it short since I made a post on it on r/helpme, but 1. It wasn't an accident, 2. Him hitting puberty and being horny doesn't validate it 3. He knows exactly what he did. I don't know what to do... I yelled at him... I yelled at him for 8 minutes straight... I don't feel like I've yelled enough. I want to keep yelling at him forever. He was crying and I didn't feel bad. I glared at him while he was in the kitchen, I want him to go away forever. He's already bothered me enough, and Everytime he walks by me I begin to get overstimulated because he absolutely stinks, he never takes baths, nor does he wear deodorant. I can literally smell him from a room over. So this gunk filled brother of mine is... Fucking like,,, fantasizing about me????? I came here because I know the borderline is gonna have a bigger effect on me than it should... And I have no idea where else to go.... Please help...

Hi! ​ I noticed that a lot of people with learning disabilities bald at an early age. Especially towards the front. is there any link to that? at all?

My experience has been mostly negative. I have received plenty of cold shoulders, been abruptly cut during conversations and faced careful avoidance. People usually maintain a distance and some openly display their contempt. Most don't consider you a worthy connect. There is this study I came across by Ross Norman conducted in 2010. The study is as below: Participants are asked to stay in a room, where they are going to meet a young woman with schizophrenia. In the rooms are seven chairs in a row along a wall. A clipboard and sweater could be clearly seen on the second chair and participants were told this was the schizophrenics chair and she would return shortly. She wasn't actually in the room, so the participants couldn't be influenced by what she looked like or by her symptoms. Of course, the study was about observing the participants behavior. The researchers wanted to know where the participants would sit. They found the participants sat 2 and 3 chairs away from where they expected the person with schizophrenia to be seated upon her return. In conclusion, the study shows that mental illness can affect how we treat someone socially. How has your experience been like ?

Attached below is todays video link to my ”On Conquering Schizophrenia” YouTube channel. Today entails being highly sedentary as “no es bueno!” Like all, todays video is ever brief and can be viewed amid a moment of “thanksgiving”! https://youtu.be/NT\_ifxptOf8

Locusts find themselves starved… No merit on my bones, A difficult conundrum… How I explode from nothing? My core radiates nothing, Completely empty, What fumes reside? That make mood an explosion, I have no mud flaps, My mouth is my own poison, The residue of my imperfections.

I had a realization. I've been spinning in circles of fear and trying to breach the surface to reach help for a while now. The circles of fear are perpetuated by this gremlin in my head. He controls the rational side of me that needs and understands, wants and is willing to receive help. By fear. And then offering coping mechanisms that are self destructive. There's a lot more going on. Like obv the ADHD that got me into this place at first but I don't know what spawned this gremlin, as far back as I can remember I was.. afraid I feel nauseated, it's disgusting but my pride is fucking stupid I'm a narcissist but I want to get help. I'm done coping I gotta be. My body hurts and I'm just gonna use something stronger if a tragedy happened.. I don't cope with stress. I don't have support though. Well that's a lie, I think I gotta tough it but I just don't trust people close to me. Like if I drop the facade my whole life falls out from under me... I used to love learning, but then I think. Some close family died and uh maybe more stuff. I know I bottle up stuff... It's making me explosive though I don't want to turn into an angry asshole, I gotta turn this ship around. I want to feed my curiosity some stuff was just dragging me down! I am amazing if I have support and stable mental health I know this. I even push through stress pretty damn good I think I'm a well rounded human. Everyone loves me, they may find me odd or sometimes a disappointment but they do love me. I just never felt comfortable acknowledging that, I felt uncomfortable with love. Still do. So I hid. Pretending to be perfect so I could escape, but why do I want to. That was a cornered animal speaking... I love you all. And as much as I don't say it lately I love you bro you need this. Clarity is brief. We get engulfed in the fear. Tonight.. fuck the consequences. I always said that but never committed, thank God.... Cause those times weren't the right decision. This is. Have a good evening. If you've read this thank you. I'm going to call crisis tonight. I'll be okay, it's gonna suck for a while. But it sucks now. Pizza time. Maybe a show. And Crisis.. it's scary. Nothing worth it isn't! Sorry if it's messy. You should see my room. I feel awful, I think it's the worst thing on planet earth, but somehow I just don't care? Gotta admit to myself. I've just pushed and bottled so much it's not funny. I feel cold thinking about the work I gotta do. And how UNFUN it will be, which is like the worst thing for an ADHD person. I'm rambling. Oh yeah pizza oouh it's crispy-y

In the last few weeks I have developed this weird thing. It is this rising feeling. It starts in my upper chest and goes to my head and then I move my head really fast to the left and I make a noise or say some word then directly say “stop” after. It’s only happened once in public but I’m able to restrict my head movement and mudder the words to myself. This isn’t a daily thing either. I’m also 16 if that information might help. There is another thing I need help with. About a year ago I had this conversation with myself but it felt like there was me and this other. He talked in a ghetto like accent which is different from mine. I had this talk for about 30 minutes and I was pacing back and forth in my room. He was talking about how he was going to make my life better, he was my motivation I guess. I was struggling with school and I had depression as well. This talk I had with him, I could stop it at any moment. I could just stop, which was weird to me. Why have I been talking to myself like there is two people if I can just stop and think to myself? And once I was done with this conversation I never spoke like this to myself ever again. I do however have conversations with voices in my head but I also feel as if I have complete control over them and I can change their accents and anything they say whenever I please. Am I just being weird? This next part also ties in with the paragraph above. I have many personalities throughout the day, but it changes based off of the people I am around. Maybe it’s because I have social anxiety. I just want answers for the things I am feeling. I speak in many different voices and accents throughout the day. It’s weird. If I hear someone doing an accent 100% my next words or thoughts will be in that accent or something other than my normal voice. I have spoken in accents so much that I have begun to pronounce some words like an Australian or a British person. Am I just finding it fun? I am not doing it to try and be funny, though, sometimes I am. I also mainly talk to myself in a British accent, when I’m playing games, I will narrate over anything I see or do in the game. I tend to swear a lot more when I do the British accent. I rarely swear in my normal voice, just doesn’t feel right. I do have more to say but this post is already long enough. Thank you for reading this far. Any response will be greatly appreciated.

I want to be loved so much it hurts. It’s all I’ve ever tried for my entire life. I’ve made versions of me around certain people so that everyone likes me. I’ve sacrificed every last bit of my mental energy to anyone who would give me the light of day. I’ve followed anyone who’d hug me blindly until I’ve almost died. …. None of those people ever stuck around. I don’t know how to make REAL friends; I just assume I’m gonna fuck it up or they’re gonna fuck me up. I’ve taught MYSELF that the only way people will like me is if I’m useful to them. Is if I make myself something they LIKE, wether that be a mindless yes person, a partner, a therapist, anything. Anything. Anything I’d do ANYTHING to get a fucking HUG. To get someone to care more than they seem to, to get someone to just fucking like me for ME… to kiss me on the forehead and tell me ‘I love you’ but no one DOES. No one CAN. I’ve sacrificed myself for a love I didn’t have and couldn’t have. I’ve sacrificed myself so many times I don’t think I have anything left. And at this point, after so many abusive situations, I’m ready to become a full shut in and just. End it.

I'm 15, male, Idk why I'm saying that but I am. anyway, I'm sick and fucking tired of being weak and I hate it. yesterday my gf was telling me about this guy whose been calling her a faggot and clowning her for being bisexual, so this being my first relationship I kinda didn't know what to do, so I told her I was not quite sure what to do and then she started getting mad at me saying "oh you don't care do you" n shit. Today at school I see her and she says "(name) would've dropped the shit outta him", (name) is her ex. Then later that day she texts me calling me a weakass and pushover. She knows I have depression, and suicidal thoughts, that I cut and it hurts that she did this knowing what I feel. she used to say "oh it's okay to be skinny and weak", and "you're the strongest person I know, you can get through it" but now its "you're such a pushover loser", "you're a weakass that's too far up their own ass to care". and i know I'm not making sense because I never really make much sense but yeah, makes me want to stop the ride even more now, cuz I know no one at all even gives the slightest shit about me. something I also just feel like spewing out is that I really love music, specifically 90s rock (especially oasis and green day). I play guitar and try to write lyrics, ig it's sort of how I escape this bullshit life but idk I can't write anything for shit. if you want to talk abt it with me id appreciate it but if you don't care, I understand.