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Write a joke about the following category | Blonde Jokes | A blonde a brunette and a red-head were stuck on a deserted island. When they were searching for food one day they found a genie's lamp. They all rubbed it at the same time. The genie popped out and said "Since you all rubbed my lamp at the same time, you get one wish each." The blonde went first "I wish I was 10% smarter to get off this island." The next thing you knew it she was swimming away from the island. Seeing what she did the brunette said "I wish I was 25% smarter to get off this island." The next thing you knew it she was making a raft out of branches and leaves. In the next 10 minutes she was off the island. Seeing what they both did the red-head said " I wish I was 50 % smarter to get off this island." The next thing you knew it she became a man and walked over the bridge. |
Write a joke about the following category | Blonde Jokes | The Secret Service was looking for more employees. They put up a sign and the next day they picked the next three people. They brought the first guy into a room and gave him a pistol and said" Your wife is in that room go in and shoot her" The guy looked at them and said" No I can't do it" So the Secret Service brought out the next guy and told him the same thing and handed him the gun. "He went into the room and came back out but he didn't want to shoot her. So the Secret Service who was really desperate brought the last person in. She was a blonde so they were worried. They said" Your husbandis in that room and I want you to shoot him." "Alright" she announced. She went into the room and the Secret Service heard alot of crashing and banging. They went in and found the man dead. "What the hell is going on" "Oh The gun was a blank so I beat him to death with a chair." |
Write a joke about the following category | Blonde Jokes | A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch. "I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's yoursecret for a long happy life?" "I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a caseof whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise." "That's amazing," the woman said. "How old are you?' "Twenty-six." ** Shibu ** |
Write a joke about the following category | Blonde Jokes | There was a blond a brunette, and a red-head and they were walking down the street. A short man came up to them and said: in that castle there is a magic mirror, if u look into the mirror and tell the truth you will be granted any wish you please, but if you lie you will be banished into the mirror forever The girls went to the castle and the red-head went in first shhe said: I think I am the prettiest out of the blond and the brunette, she got a pot of silver. Next the brunette went in she said: I think I am the smartest out of the red-head and the blond, she got a new car. The blond went in to try her luck she walked up to the mirror and said: I think... She was vanished into the mirror forever. |
Write a joke about the following category | Deep Thoughts | Why are they called apartments if they are joined together? An archaeologist is a best husband a woman can get. As older she grows, the more interested he is in her. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well. If moths are attracted to bright lights, how come they sleep during the day? I love being married. It's so great to find that special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. Anyone who thinks he is too small to make a difference has never been in bed with a mosquito. I wear my wife's glasses because she wants me to see things her way. Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and the world laughs louder. |
Write a joke about the following category | Deep Thoughts | 1. Capmbell's Soup Condoms: Mmm, mmmm, good...2. Coca Cola Conddoms: the real thing.3. Diet pepsi Condoms: You got the right one, baby.4. Double Mint: Double your pleasure, Double your fun!5. Energizer: It keeps going and going and going...6. Ford condoms: the best never Rest.7. Hewlett Packard Condoms; Expanding possibilities.8. KFC Condoms: Finger-lickin good.9. M&M Condom: It melts in your mouth, not in your hands!10. Mars Bar condoms: The quicker picker upper!11. Maxwell House: good to the last drop!12. Microsoft: Where do you want to go today?13. Nike Condoms: just do it.14. Pringles Condoms: Once you pop, you can't stop.15. Taco Bell: Get some; make a run for the border.16. Tattslotto Condoms: Who's next?17. Star Trek condoms: To boldly go where no man has gone before.18. Toyota Condoms: Oh what a feeling.19. United Airlines travel pack: Fly United.20. Yellow pages Condoms: Aren't you glad you use it? don't you wish everybody did? |
Write a joke about the following category | Deep Thoughts | If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it was, and always will be yours. If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with. If it just sits in your room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your phone, takes your money, and never behaves as if you actually set it free in the first place, you either married it or gave birth to it. |
Write a joke about the following category | Deep Thoughts | I recently picked a new primary care physician. After two visits andexhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age. Alittle concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Doyou think I'll live to be 80?"He asked, "Well, do you smoke tobacco or drink beer/wine?""Oh no," I replied. "I've never done either."Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"I said "No, I've heard that all red meat is very unhealthy!""Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing,ballooning, or rock climbing ?""No, I don't," I said.He said, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or sexually fool around?""No," I said. "I've never done any of those things."He looked at me and said, "Then why do you give a damn if you live to be80?" |
Write a joke about the following category | Deep Thoughts | A little kid asks his father, "Daddy, is God a man or a woman?" "Both son. God is both." After a while the kid comes again and asks, "Daddy, is God black or white?" "Both son, both." The child returns a few minutes later and says, "Daddy, is Michael Jackson God?" |
Write a joke about the following category | Deep Thoughts | Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?" "Because white is the color of happiness and today is the happiest day of her life." Her mother tried to explain, keeping it simple. The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So, why is the groom wearing black?" |
Write a joke about the following category | Deep Thoughts | An Englishman, a Scott, and a Irishman walked into a pub.Each orderd a pint of beer . Then a fly landed in each one's beer . The Englishman, turning slightly green, pushed his beer away and asked for another one .The Scott took the fly out ,shrugged, and drank his beer . The Irisman pinched the flybetween his fingers and yelled " SPIT IT OUT! "SPIT IT OUT!" |
Write a joke about the following category | Deep Thoughts | At age 4, success is..................not peeing in your pants. At age 12, success is..................having friends. At age 20, success is..................having sex. At age 35, success is..................making money. At age 70, success is..................having sex. At age 80, success is..................having friends. At age 90, success is..................not peeing your pants. |
Write a joke about the following category | Aviation | Upon landing hard, the pilot got on the PA system, "Sorry, folks for the hard landing. It wasn't my fault, blame it on the asphalt."On this particular flight, the airline pilot noted that he had "hammered the plane a little hard on the runway."The airline policy was that he had to stand at the exit and apologize to each passenger getting off the plane, saying, "Thank you for flying XYZ airlines and sorry for the rough landing."All the passengers had gotten off the plane, except for one little old lady, walking with a cane and wearing a hearing aid.She proceeded to walk up to the pilot and and said, "Do you mind if I ask a question?"He said, "Why no, ma'am, go ahead."She then replied, "I didn't hear the announcement. Did we land, or were we shot down?" |
Write a joke about the following category | Men | An elderly couple was crossing the Canadian border to go to their winter recluse in Florida. At the crossing they were stopped by an over-zealous border guard, on his first day at work. He commenced to ask the couple a battery of questions and check for passports.The husband, on behalf of his almost deaf wife, answered the barrage of queries.Officer: "Where are you going?"Husband: "We're on vacation and going to Florida."Wife: "What did he say? What did he say?"Husband: "He wants to know where we're going."Officer: "How long will you be gone?"Husband: "About one month."Wife: "What did he say? What did he say?"Husband: "He wants to know how long we'll be gone."Officer: "Where are you from?"Husband: "We're from Toronto, Ontario."Officer: "Toronto, huh. I was there once. Nice city. Had the worst date experience in my life."Wife: "What did he say? What did he say?"Husband: "He says he knows you!" |
Write a joke about the following category | Crazy Jokes | Some members of a health club were having their first meeting. The director of the group said, "Now, I'd like each of you to give the facts of your daily routine." Several people spoke, admitting their excesses, and then one obviously overweight member said, "I eat moderately, I drink moderately, and I exercise frequently." "Hmm?" said the manager. "And are you sure there is nothing you over-indulge in?" "Well," said the man, "I lie extensively." |
Write a joke about the following category | Aviation | A young man joins the Air Force. He writes his father, saying that he is really frightened about the upcoming parachute exercises. A few months later he gets leave and goes home. His father asks, "So, how did the parachute jump go, son?" Son replies, "Well, Dad, it came time for me to jump and I froze at the door. My drill sergeant comes up behind me. He is a really big tough guy. He said to me that I had to either jump out of the plane or he was going to "do me" with his 12-incher!"Father says, "Well, Son, did you jump?" "Just a little at first" said the son. |
Write a joke about the following category | Men | A man who just got a raise decides to buy a new scope for his rifle. He goes to a rifle shop, and asks the clerk to show him a scope. The clerk takes out a scope, and says to the man, "This scope is so good, you can see my house all the way up on that hill." The man takes a look through the scope, and starts laughing. "What's so funny?" asks the clerk. "I see a naked man and a naked woman running around in the house." the man replies. The clerk grabs the scope from the man, and looks at his house. Then he hands two bullets to the man and says, "Here are two bullets, I'll give you this scope for nothing if you take these two bullets, shoot my wife's head off and shoot the guy's privates off." The man takes another look through the scope and says, "You know what? I think I can do that with one shot!" |
Write a joke about the following category | Men | A couple goes to an art gallery. They find a picture of a naked women with only her privates covered with leaves. The wife doesn't like it and moves on but the huband keeps looking. The wife asks, "What are you waiting for?" The husband replies, "Autumn." |
Write a joke about the following category | Men | James was on the beach, and could not understand why Bob had attracted all the girls, while he had no luck. So he asked Rich "why do you get all the girls and I get nothing?" Bob replied "take a potato and tuck it in your swimming trunks. It drives the women wild!" So James stuffed a potato in his suit and paraded up and down the beach. Several hours later, he still had no woman. James went to see Bob again and said "I've tried the potato and it doesn't work!" Bob looked at James and asked, "have you tried putting the potato in the front?" |
Write a joke about the following category | Crazy Jokes | A very homely person made an appointment with a psychiatrist. The homely person walked into the doctor's office and said, "Doctor, I'm so depressed and lonely. I don't have any friends, no one will come near me, and everybody laughs at me. Can you help me accept my ugliness?" "I'm sure I can." the psychiatrist replied. "Just go over and lie face down on that couch." |
Write a joke about the following category | Men | A man walks into a bar. On the bar sits a big jar of twenty dollar bills. The man asks the bartender,"What's the deal with the jar of money?" "Well", the bartender says,"I've got a horse tied up in the stable out back. This horse has never laughed in his life. You put a twenty in the jar, then if you can make my horse laugh, You win all the money!" The man puts his twenty in the jar, and goes out to the stable. He comes back just a few minutes later, and you can hear the horse laughing all the way inside. The man takes his money and leaves. About a year later, he goes back to the bar, and they've got another jar of twenties there. "What's the deal now?" He asks. "Well",the bartender says,"That damn horse won't stop laughing! So the first person who can make my horse stop laughing wins the money!" The man pays his twenty, and goes out to the stable. He returns a few minutes later, and the horse is bawling his eyes out. He picks up his money and is about to leave when the bartender stops him. "Alright", he says,"You have won an awful lot of money from me and I want to know how you did it!!" "Easy", he says,"I made him laugh by saying mine was bigger than his, and I made him cry by proving it!!" |
Write a joke about the following category | Men | Phil and Jill had been married for many years but now were in divorce court.The judge asked, 'Phil, is it true that the last three years of your marriage, you did not speak to Jill?'Phil replies, 'Yes Judge, that is correct.''And how do you explain this unusual conduct?' the judge inquires.Phil replies, 'I didn't want to interrupt her Your Honor.' |
Write a joke about the following category | Men | Bob and Earl were best friends and had been for 50 years. They went to baseball games together and had the best time possible. They truly loved the game but they always wondered if there was baseball in heaven and agreed that whoever died first had to call the other guy and tell them if there was baseball in heaven. Then one night Earl died and then a few days later Bob went to his funeral and came home after the burial service. Then the phone rang it was Earl. Earl said,"Bob is this you" Bob said,"Yes, Earl how are you doing and is there baseball in heaven?" Earl said,"Well I've got some good news and some bad news." Bob said, "Whats the good news?" Earl said, "Well there is baseball in heaven and you can play with Babe Ruth and everybody its great" Bob said, "Then what's the bad news?" Earl said, "Well Bob, your starting pitching tommorow night!" |
Write a joke about the following category | Men | Two guys went to a gas station that was holding a contest: a chance to win free sex when you filled your tank. They pumped their gas and went to pay the attendant. "I'm thinking of a number between one and ten," he said. "If you guess right, you win free sex." "Okay," agreed one of the guys, "I guess seven." "Sorry, I was thinking of eight," replied the attendant. The next week they tried again. When they went to pay, the attendant told them to pick a number. "Two!" said the second guy. "Sorry, it's three, said the attendant. "Come back and try again." As they walked out to their car, one guy said to the other, "I think this contest is rigged." "No way," said his buddy. "My wife won twice last week." |
Write a joke about the following category | Men | A guy goes into a drugstore to buy condoms."What size?" asks the clerk?"Gee, I don't know.""Go see Sophie in aisle 4." He goes over to see Sophie, who grabs him in the crotch, and yells, "Medium!" The guy is mortified! He hurries over to pay and leaves quickly. Another guy comes in to buy condoms, and gets sent to Sophie in aisle 4. Sophie grabs him and yells, "Large!" The guy struts over to the register, pays, and leaves. A high school kid comes in to buy condoms."What size?" The kid embarrassedly says "I've never done this before. I don't know what size." The clerk sends him over to Sophie in aisle 4. She grabs him and yells "Clean up in aisle 4!" |
Write a joke about the following category | Medical | A man walked into a therapist's office looking very depressed. "Doc, you've got to help me. I can't go on like this." "What's the problem?" the docotor inquired. "Well, I'm 35 years old and I still have no luck with the ladies. No matter how hard I try, I just seem to scare them away." "My friend, this is not a serious problem. You just need to work on your self-esteem. Each morning, I want you to get up and run to the bathroom mirror. Tell yourself that you are a good person, a fun person, and an attractive person. But say it with real conviction. Within a week you'll have women buzzing all around you." The man seemed content with this advice and walked out of the office a bit excited. Three weeks later he returned with the same downtrodden expression on his face. "Did my advice not work?" asked the doctor. "It worked alright. For the past several weeks I've enjoyed some of the best moments in my life with the most fabulous looking women." "So, what's your problem?" "I don't have a problem," the man replied. "My wife does." |
Write a joke about the following category | Men | One day Jane met Tarzan in the jungle. She was very attracted to him and during her questions about his life, she asked him how he managed for sex. "What's that?" he asked. She explained to him what sex was and he said, "Oh, Tarzan use hole in trunk of tree. "Horrified, she said, "Tarzan, you have it all wrong! I will show you how to do it properly." She took off her clothes, laid down on the ground, and spread her legs. "Here," she said, pointing, "You must put it in here." Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer, and then gave her an almighty kick in the crotch. Jane screamed and rolled around in agony for several minutes. Eventually, she managed to gasp, "What the hell did you do that for?" "Tarzan always check for bees." |
Write a joke about the following category | Food Jokes | A resident in a posh hotel breakfast room called over the head waiter one morning and read from the menu. "I'd like one under- cooked egg so that it's runny, and one over-cooked egg so that it's tough and hard to eat. I'd also like grilled bacon which is a bit on the cold side, burnt toast, butter straight from the freezer so that it's impossible to spread, and a pot of very weak, lukewarm coffee." "That's a complicated order sir," said the bewildered waiter. "It might be quite difficult." The guest replied sarcastically, "It can't be that difficult because that's exactly what you brought me yesterday!" |
Write a joke about the following category | Men | A guy goes fishing every Saturday morning. He gets up early and eager, makes his lunch, hooks up his boat and off he goes, all day long.Well, one Saturday morning he gets up early, dresses quietly, gets his lunch made, puts on his long johns, grabs the dog and goes to the garage to hook up his boat to the truck and down the driveway he goes.As he is coming out of his garage rain is pouring down; it is like a torrential downpour. There is snow mixed in with the rain, and the wind is blowing 50 mph. Minutes later, he returns to the garage.He comes back into the house and turns the TV to the weather channel. He finds it's going to be bad weather all day long, so he puts his boat back in the garage, quietly undresses and slips back into bed.There he cuddles up to his wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispers,"The weather out there is terrible."To which she sleepily replies, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that crap?" |
Write a joke about the following category | Men | A few days before her birthday a husband asked his wife, "Dear, what would you like for your present?""I really don't think I should say.""How about a diamond ring?" the husband asks."I don't care much for diamonds.""Well, how about a mink coat?""You know I do not like furs." she says."A golden necklace?" asks the man."I already have three of them.""Well, gosh, what do you want?"The wife replies, "What I'd really like is a divorce.""Hmmm," says the man, "I wasn't planning on spending that much." |
Write a joke about the following category | Men | A man's walking home late at night when he sees a woman in the shadows."Twenty bucks," she says.He'd never been with a hooker before, but he decides what the hell it's only twenty bucks. They're going at it for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them. It's a police officer."What's going on here, people?" asks the officer."I'm making love to my wife," the man answers indignantly."Oh, I'm sorry," says the cop, "I didn't know.""Well," said the man, "neither did I until you shined that light in her face." |
Write a joke about the following category | Men | A woman asks her husband, "Would you like some bacon and eggs? A slice of toast and maybe some grapefruit and coffee?"He declines. "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."At lunchtime she asked if he would like something. "A bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?"He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "really trashes my desire for food."Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat."Would you like a juicy porterhouse steak and scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?"He declines again. "Naw, still not hungry.""Well," she says, "would you mind letting me up? I'm starving." |
Write a joke about the following category | Men | A wife asks her husband, "Honey, if I died, would you remarry?""After a considerable period of grieving, I guess I would.. We all need companionship.""If I died and you remarried," the wife asks, "would she live in this house?""We've spent a lot of money getting this house just the way we want it. I'm not going to get rid of my house. I guess she would.""If I died and you remarried, and she lived in this house," the wife asks, "would she sleep in our bed?""Well, the bed is brand new, and it cost us $2,000. It's going to last a long time, so I guess she would.""If I died and you remarried, and she lived in this house and slept in our bed, would she use my golf clubs?""Oh, no," the husband replies. "She's left-handed." |
Write a joke about the following category | Men | After working for years, a hooker finally retired and, being afraid of spending the rest of her life alone, she decided to marry. She had been with so many perverted men over the years that she felt she needed a change and would only get one by marrying a virgin male near her age. She took out ads in newspapers around the world seeking a male virgin who was 55 years old. She finally narrowed her choice to an Australian computer programmer. After a thorough background check, she was satisfied that he had indeed never been with a woman and they were married. On their wedding night, she went into the bathroom to change into her nightie. When she came back out, she found that her new husband had taken the bed and everything in the room and stacked it in one corner of the room.Thinking this was rather kinky, she said to her husband. "thought you had never been with a woman. He replied, "That's true, but if it's anything like screwing a kangaroo, we're going to need all the room we can get"! |
Write a joke about the following category | Men | A man comes home from work, sits in his lazyboy in front of the TV and rudely tells his wife, 'Gimme a beer before it starts.' She gives him his beer. About 15 minutes later, he says again, 'Gimme a beer before it starts.' She does. A few minutes later, he asks again for a beer. The wife says, 'Don't you think you're drinking too much beer? It hasn't been half an hour that you got here and you've already had two beers. I'm getting fed up with this.' The husband looks up and mumbles, 'Now it starts.' |
Write a joke about the following category | Men | An 85 year old man marries a lovely 25 year old woman. Because her new husband is so old, the woman decides that on their wedding night they should have separate suites. She is concerned that the old fellow could overexert himself. After the festivities, she prepares herself for bed and for the knock on the door she is expecting. Sure enough the knock comes and there is her groom ready for action. They unite in conjugal union and all goes well, whereup on he takes his leave of her and she prepares to go to sleep for the night. After a few minutes there's a knock on the door and there the old guy is again, ready for more action. Somewhat surprised she consents to further coupling, which is again successful, after which the octogenarian bids her a fond good night and leaves. She is certainly ready for slumber at this point and is close to sleep for the second time, when there is another knock at the door and there he is again fresh as a 20 year old and ready for more. Once again, they do the horizontal boogie. As they're laying in afterglow the young bride says to him, 'I am really impressed that a guy your age has enough juice to go for it three times. I've been with guys less than half your age who were only good for one.' The old guy looks puzzled and turns to her and says, 'Was I already here?' |
Write a joke about the following category | Men | A man was walking down the street when he noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down. "Grandpa, what are you doing?" he exclaimed. The old man looked off in the distance without answering. "Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asked again. The old man slowly looked at him and said,"Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This is your grandma's idea." |
Write a joke about the following category | Men | Nice Hotel A husband and wife are traveling by car from Atlanta to New York. After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they decide to stop at a nice hotel and take a room. They only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road. When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350. The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350. When the clerk explains that $350 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the manager. The manager enters the conversation and explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center which were available for the husband and wife to use. He also explains that they could have taken in one of the shows which the hotel is famous for. "The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here," explains the manager. No matter what facility the manager mentions, the man replies, "But we didn't use it!" The manager is unmoved. Eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a check and hands it to the manager. "But sir," the managers says, "this check is only made out for $100." "That's right," replies the man. "I charged you $250 for sleeping with my wife." "What! I didn't sleep with your wife!" exclaims the manager. "Well," the man replies, "she was here, and you could have." |
Write a joke about the following category | Medical | After a few years of married life, this guy finds that he is unable to perform in bed anymore. He goes to his doctor, and his doctor tries a few things but nothing works. Finally the doctor says to him "this is all in your mind", and refers him to a psychiatrist. After a few visits to the shrink, the shrink confesses, "I am at a loss as to how you could possibly be cured." Finally the psychiatrist refers him to witch doctor. The witch doctor tells , "I can cure this", and throws some powder on a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke........ The witch doctor says, "This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a year! All you have to do is say '123' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!" The guy then asks the witch doctor "What happens when it's over?" The witch doctor says "all you have to say is '1234' and it will go down. But be warned it will not work again for a year!" The guy goes home and that night he is ready to surprise his wife with the good news....... So, he is lying in bed with her and says "123", and suddenly he gets a massive erection. His wife turns over and says "What did you say '123' for? |
Write a joke about the following category | Men | Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen. MAN: "Hello." WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?" MAN: "Yes" WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?" MAN: "Sure, ...go ahead if you like it." WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2004 models. I saw one I really liked." MAN: "How much?" WOMAN: "$60,000" MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options." WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing...the house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000." MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000." WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you! MAN: "Bye, I love you, too." The man hangs up .The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment. Then he asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?" |
Write a joke about the following category | Medical | A man was seen fleeing down the hall of the hospital just before his operation. "What's the matter?" he was asked. He said, "I heard the nurse say, 'It's a very simple operation, don't worry, I'm sure it will be all right." "She was just trying to comfort you, what's so frightening about that?" "She wasn't talking to me. She was talking to the doctor." |
Write a joke about the following category | Men | There was a lawyer and he was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're beautiful!" and then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side. A couple minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said "You're cute!" Well, the wife was dissapointed because instead of "beautiful" it was "cute." She said "What happened to 'beautiful'?" His reply was "The drugs are wearing off!" |
Write a joke about the following category | Men | Over breakfast one morning, a woman said to her husband, "I bet you don't know what day this is." "Of course I do," he indignantly answered, going out the door to the office. At 10 AM, the doorbell rang and when the woman opened the door, she was handed a box containing a dozen long stemmed red roses. At 1 PM, a foil wrapped, two pound box of her favorite chocolates arrived. Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress. The woman couldn't wait for her husband to come home. "First the flowers, then the chocolates and then the dress!" she exclaimed. "I've never had a more wonderful Groundhog Day in my life!" |
Write a joke about the following category | Men | An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.The Wizard says "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife." |
Write a joke about the following category | Men | Three convicts were on the way to prison. They were each allowed to take one item with them to help them occupy their time while incarcerated. On the bus, one turned to another and said, "So, what did you bring?" The second convict pulled out a box of paints and stated that he intended to paint anything he could. He wanted to become the "Grandma Moses of Jail". Then he asked the first, "What did you bring?" The first convict pulled out a deck of cards and grinned and said, "I brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire and gin, and any number of games." The third convict was sitting quietly aside, grinning to himself. The other two took notice and asked, "Why are you so smug? What did you bring?" The guy pulled out a box of tampons and smiled. He said "I brought these." The other two were puzzled and asked - "What can you do with those?" He grinned and pointed to the box and said - "Well according to the box, I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating"... |
Write a joke about the following category | Men | A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman "Give me six double vodkas." The barman says "Wow!, you must have had one hell of a day." "Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay." The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today, the answer came back, "I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!" On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas. The bartender says "Geez! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?". "Yeah, my wife..." |
Write a joke about the following category | Men | A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8:00 pm. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home."Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house."Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock."The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!". |
Write a joke about the following category | Men | An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again. The boy asked his father, "What is this, Father?" The father [never having seen an elevator] responded "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction.The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24-year-old woman stepped out. The father said to his son, "Go get your mother." |
Write a joke about the following category | Men | A man and a woman are riding next to each other in first class. The man sneezes and then starts screaming with extasy and pleasure. A few minutes pass. The man sneezes again, and again screams as if he had just had the best sexual intercourse of his life. The woman is about to go nuts.A few more minutes pass. The man sneezes yet again, and again is fully aroused. The woman has finally had enough. She turns to the man and says, "Three times you've sneezed, and three times you've acted as if youv'e had great sex! What the hell kind of degenerate are you?" The man replies, "I am sorry to have disturbed you, ma'am. I have a very rare condition such that when I sneeze, I have an orgasm." The woman, now feeling badly, says, "Oh, I'm sorry. What are you taking for it?" The man looks at her and says, "Pepper." |
Write a joke about the following category | Men | A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep; the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower. In the middle of the night the woman leans over and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket." The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I've got a better idea... let's pretend we're married." "Why not," giggles the woman. "Good," he replies. "Get your own blanket." |
Write a joke about the following category | Men | A married couple is driving down the interstate doing 55 mph. The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him and says, "Honey, I know we've been married for 15 years, but I want a divorce."The husband says nothing but slowly increases the speed to 60 mph.She then says, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and he's a better lover than you."Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as his anger increases.She says, "I want the house." Again the husband speeds up and he is now doing 70 mph.She says, "I want the kids too." The husband just keeps driving faster and faster until he reaches 80 mph.She says, "I want the car, the checking account and all the credit cards too." The husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass pillar, as she says, "Is there anything you want?"The husband says, "No, I've got everything I need."She asks, "What's that?"The husband replies just before they hit the wall at 90 mph, "I've got the airbag!" |
Write a joke about the following category | Men | A busy farmer needed some help with tending to the animals. His mother-in-law offered to spend some time on his farm, and being as busy as he was, the farmer had no choice but to accept her offer.A few days later, the farmer's mother-in-law was killed when his mule kicked her.Thousands of people from town who had heard about the death came to the poor lady's funeral, many that the farmer didn't even know. A minister noticed this, came up to the farmer, and asked him, "Why are there so many people here?"The farmer answered, "Oh, they're not here for the funeral. They want to buy the mule." |
Write a joke about the following category | Men | A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to an American on an overseas flight. After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their home lives. "Last night I made love to my wife four times," the Frenchman bragged, "And this morning she made me delicious crepes and she told me how much she adored me." "Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times," the Italian responded, "And this morning she made me a wonderful omelet and told me she could never love another man." When the American remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, "And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?" "Once," he replied. "Only once?" the Italian arrogantly snorted. "And what did she say to you this morning?" "Don't stop." |
Write a joke about the following category | Medical | A man returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him he has only 24 hours to live. Given this prognosis, the man asks his wife for sex. Naturally, she agrees, and they make love. About six hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, "Honey,you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?" Of course, the wife agrees, and they do it again.Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left. He touches his wife shoulder, and asks, "Honey, please...just one more time before die." She says, "Of course, Dear," and they make love for the third time. After this session, the wife rolls over and falls asleep.The man, however, worried about his impending death, tosses and turns, until he's down to 4 more hours. He taps his wife, who rouses. "Honey, I have only 4 more hours. Do you think we could..." At this point the wife sits up and says,"Listen, I have to get up in the morning. You don't!" |
Write a joke about the following category | Men | "Honey," said this husband to his wife, "I invited a friend home for supper." "What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I didn't go shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal!" "I know all that." "Then why did you invite a friend for supper?" "Because the poor guy is thinking about getting married." |
Write a joke about the following category | Men | Two couples were playing cards. Jeff accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed that Dave's wife, Sandy, was not wearing any underwear! Shocked by this, Jeff hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced. Later when Jeff went to the kitchen to get some refreshments Sandy followed him and asked, "Did you see anything under the table that you liked?"Jeff admitted, "Well, yes I did."She said "you can have it, but it will cost you $100."After a minute or two, Jeff indicates that he is interested. She tells him that since Dave works Friday afternoons and Jeff doesn't, that Jeff should come to their house around 2:00 PM on Friday. Friday came and Jeff went to her house at 2:00 PM. After paying her the $100, they went to the bedroom, had sex for a few hours and then Jeff left. Dave came home about 6:00 PM and asked his wife, "Did Jeff come by this afternoon?"Totally shocked, Sandy replied, "Yes, he did stop by for a few minutes."Next Dave asked, "Did Jeff give you $100?"Sandy thought, 'Oh hell, he knows!' Reluctantly she said, "Yes, he did give me $100.""Good," Dave says."Jeff came by the office this morning and borrowed the $100 from me and said that he'd stop by our house on his way home and pay me back. It's so good to have a friend you can trust." |
Write a joke about the following category | Men | A Chinese walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer.He tells the loan officer that he is going to Taiwan on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer tells him that the bank will need some form of security for the loan, so the Chinese hands over the keys to a new Ferrari parked on the street in front of the bank. He produces the title and everything checks out. The loan officer agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the Chinese for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drives the Ferrari into the bank's underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the Chinese returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multi-millionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?" The Chinese replies: "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?" |
Write a joke about the following category | Men | A guy gets home, runs into his house, slams the door and says, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!".The wife says, "Wow! That's great! I'm so happy! Should I pack for the ocean, or should I pack for the mountains?"He says, "I don't care. Just get the hell out!" |
Write a joke about the following category | Men | Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven. God comes and says, "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter."With that said and done, the next time God looked, the women are gone and there are two lines. The line of the men that were dominated by their women was 100 miles long, and in the line of men that dominated their women, there was only one man.God got mad and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created, you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only, one of my sons that stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?"And the man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here." |
Write a joke about the following category | Men | A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice. "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you." The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished.He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die." The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him."Where are you?" the man asked. "Who are you?""I am your guardian angel," the voice answered."Oh yeah?" the man asked. "And where the hell were you when I got married?" |
Write a joke about the following category | Medical | A guy falls asleep on the beach for several hours and gets a horrible sunburn. He goes to the hospital and is promptly admitted after being diagnosed in the emergency room with second-degree burns. He was already starting to blister and in agony. The doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline and a sedative and a Viagra pill every four hours.The nurse, rather astounded, said, "What good will Viagra do him?"The doctor replied, "It will keep the sheets off his legs." |
Write a joke about the following category | Men | After just a few years of marriage, filled with constant arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counseling. They had been at each other's throat for some time and felt that this was their last straw. When they arrived at the counselor's office, the counselor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion."What seems to be the problem?"Immediately, the husband held his long face down without anything to say. On the other hand, the wife began talking 90 miles an hour describing all the wrongs within their marriage.After 5 - - 10 - - 15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counselor went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately for several minutes, and sat her back down.Afterwards, the wife sat there speechless.He looked over at the husband who was staring in disbelief at what had happened.The counselor spoke to the husband, "Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week!"The husband scratched his head and replied, "I can have her here on Tuesdays and Thursdays." |
Write a joke about the following category | Medical | A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before!All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty! One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you.""My darling," he replied, "think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek." |
Write a joke about the following category | Men | A man takes his wife to the live stock show. They start heading down the alley that houses all the bulls. The sign on the first bull's stall states: "This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "He mated 50 times in a year, isn't that nice!" They proceed to the next bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 65 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "This one mated 65 times last year. That is over 5 times a month. You could learn from this one!" They proceeded to the last bull and his sign said: "This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife's mouth drops open and says, "WOW! He mated 365 times last year. That is ONCE A DAY!!! You could really learn from this one." The fed up man turns to his wife and says, "Go up and inquire if it was the same old cow every day." |
Write a joke about the following category | Men | A certain zoo had acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the female gorilla became very ornery, and difficult to handle. Upon examination, the zoo veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there were no male gorilla species available. While reflecting on their problem, the zoo administrators noticed Mike, an employee responsible for cleaning the animals' cages. Mike, it was rumored, possessed ample ability to satisfy any female, but he wasn't very bright. So, the zoo administrators thought they might have a solution. Mike was approached with a proposition: would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for five hundred bucks? Mike showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, Mike announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions. "First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her. Secondly, I want nothing to do with any offspring that may result from this union." The zoo administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what was his third condition. "Well," said Mike, "you've gotta give me another week to come up with the five hundred bucks." |
Write a joke about the following category | Men | man's business trip is cancelled and he is at home with a rather nervous wife. They go to bed, but about midnight, the phone rings.The man rolls over and answered..."Hello?""What?""How the hell should I know, I live in Phoenix."He hangs up and his wife asks, "Who was it dear?""Just some idiot who wanted to know if the coast was clear!" |
Write a joke about the following category | Men | A couple has been married for many years, and one day the man tells his wife that he wishes she had bigger breasts."but how am I going to get bigger breasts?" she asks."That's simple", he says, "just rub your breasts with toilet paper every day"."And that would do it?", the surprised wife wonders."Well,", answers the husband, "it sure did work on your behind!". |
Write a joke about the following category | Medical | An eldarly couple go to the Doctor. The man complains that when they have sex, the first time is OK but during the second time he sweats like a pig. The Doctor asks the wife if she has any idea why her husbands sweats like that. "That's obvious", she answers. "The first time we have sex is in the winter, the second time is in the summer". |
Write a joke about the following category | Men | Two guys were talking at work. "I've got a problem," said the first one. "What is it?""My wife has done it to me again. I'm supposed to buy my mother-in-law a present for her birthday, from the two of us. And I am fresh out of ideas. I mean it's HER mother, why can't she buy it?""What did you buy her last year?" the other one asked."Last year I bought her a VERY EXPENSIVE cemetery plot." "Hmmmm, hard to top that one," said the other.The two guys couldn't come up with anything. So the son-in-law didn't buy his mother-in-law anything for her birthday. When the big day arrived the next weekend, she was a bit upset. At the family gathering for her birthday, she announced out loud to everyone, "Thank you all for the wonderful gifts. Too bad my daughter and son-in-law weren't so thoughtful!"Thinking quickly, the son-in-law responded, "Well, you haven't used the gift I gave you last year!" |
Write a joke about the following category | Men | In days of old, when knights were bold, this particular knight was leaving for a crusade and called one of his squires, "I'm leaving for the crusade. Here is the key to my wife's chastity belt. If, in 10 years, I haven't returned, you may use the key as I'm sure she will have needs". The knight sets out on the dusty road, armored from head to toe. He takes one last look at his castle and sees the squire rushing across the drawbridge, yelling, "Stop! Stop! Thank goodness I was able to catch you. This is the wrong key". |
Write a joke about the following category | Men | Three couples went in to see the minister to see how to become members of his church. The minister said that they would have to go without sex for two weeks and then come back and tell him how it went. The first couple was retired, the second couple was middle aged and the final couple was newlywed. Two weeks went by, and the couples returned to the minister. The retired couple said it was no problem at all. The middle-aged couple said it was tough for the first week, but after that, it was no problem. The newlyweds said it was fine until she dropped the can of paint. ''Can of PAINT!'' exclaimed the minister. ''Yeah,'' said the newlywed man. ''She dropped the can and when she bent over to pick it up I had to have her right there and then. Lust took over.'' The minister just shook his head and said that they were not welcome in the church.''That's okay,'' said the man. ''We're not welcome in Home Depot either.'' |
Write a joke about the following category | Men | A young couple, just married, were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As Emma undressed for bed, the husband (who was a burly bruiser) tossed his pants to his bride and said, "Here, put these on." She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body. "I can't wear your pants", she said. "That's right!", said the husband, "and don't you ever forget it. I'm the man who wears the pants in this family!"With that, she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on." He tried them on, and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecap. He said, "Hell, I can't get into your panties!" She said, "That's right and that's the way it's going to be until your stupid attitude changes!" |
Write a joke about the following category | Bar Jokes | Every night after dinner, Harry took off for the local watering hole. He would spend the whole evening there and always arrive home, well inebriated, around midnight each night. He usually had trouble getting his key to fit the keyhole and couldn't get the door open. And, every time this happened, his wife would go to the door and let him in. Then, she would proceed to yell and scream at him for his constant nights out and coming home in a drunken state. But, Harry still continued his nightly routine. One day, the distraught wife was talking to a friend about her husband's behavior. The friend listened and suggested, "Why don't you treat him a little differently when he comes home? Instead of berating him, why don't you give him some loving words and welcome him home with a kiss? Then, he might change his ways." The wife thought that this might be a good idea. That night, Harry took off again after dinner. And, at about midnight, he arrived home in his usual condition. His wife heard him at the door. She quickly opened it and let Harry in. Instead of berating him as she had always done, this time she took his arm and led him into the living room. She sat Harry down in an easy chair, put his feet up on the foot stool, and took his shoes off. Then, she went behind him and started to cuddle him a little. After a short while, she whispered to Harry, "It's pretty late, dear. I think we should go upstairs to bed now, don't you think?" Harry replied in his inebriated state, "Heck, I guess we might as well. I'll get in trouble when I get home anyway!" |
Write a joke about the following category | Medical | An old man goes to the doctor for his yearly physical, his wife tagging along. When the doctor enters the examination room, he tells the old man, "I need a urine sample, a stool sample and a sperm sample."The old man, being hard of hearing, looks at his wife and yells: "WHAT?""What did he say? What's he want?"His wife yells back, "He needs your underwear." |
Write a joke about the following category | Men | A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker, Morris is wearing an earring. This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense." The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings." "Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring." Morris replies sheepishly. "So, really? How long have you been wearing one?" "Ever since my wife found it in our bed." |
Write a joke about the following category | Men | A married woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly."Quick," said the woman to her lover, "into the closet!" She pushed him into the closet stark naked.The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet. "Who are you?" he asked him."I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone," said the exterminator."What are you doing in there?" the husband asked."I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths," the man replied."And where are your clothes?" asked the husband.The man looked down at himself and said, ......"Well those Little bastards!" |
Write a joke about the following category | Men | Top 10 Things Not To Say To A Naked Man... ------------------------------------ 1 This explains your car. 2 I never saw one like that before. 3 But it still works, right? 4 Are you cold? 5 I guess this makes me the early bird. 6 Ahhhh, it's cute. 7 Can I be honest with you? 8 Maybe it looks better in natural light. 9 Will it squeak if I squeeze it? 10 Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes? |
Write a joke about the following category | Men | An 85 year old couple, having been married almost 60 years, had died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years mainly due to her interest in health food, and exercise. When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and Jacuzzi. As they "oohed and aahed" the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost."It's free," Peter replied, "this is Heaven."Next they went out back to survey the championship golf course that the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges everyday and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth. The old man asked, "what are the green fees?"Peter's reply, "This is heaven, you play for free."Next they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisine's of the world laid out."How much to eat?" asked the old man. "Don't you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free!" Peter replied with some exasperation."Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?" the old man asked timidly.Peter lectured, "That's the best part . . . you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven."With that the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, and shrieking wildly.Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong.The old man looked at his wife and said, "This is all your fault. If it weren't for your bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!" |
Write a joke about the following category | Medical | A concerned husband went to a doctor to talk about his wife. He says to the doctor, "Doctor, I think my wife is deaf because she never hears me the first time and always asks me to repeat things." "Well," the doctor replied, "go home and tonight stand about 15 feet from her and say something to her. If she doesn't reply move about 5 feet close and say itagain. Keep doing this so that we'll get an idea about the severity of her deafness". Sure enough, the husband goes home and does exactly as instructed. He starts off about 15 feet from his wife in the kitchen as she is chopping some vegetables and says, "Honey, what's for dinner?" He hears no response. He moves about 5 feet closer and asks again. No reply. He moves 5 feet closer. Still no reply. He gets fed up and moves right behind her, about an inch away, and asks again, "Honey, what's for dinner?" She replies, "For the fourth time, vegetable stew!" |
Write a joke about the following category | Medical | Doc, you've gotta help me... my wife just isn't interested in sex anymore. Haven't you got a pill or something I can give her?""Look, I can't prescribe...""Doc, we've been friends for years. Have you ever seen me this upset? I am desperate! I can't think; I can't concentrate; my life is going utterlyto Hell! You've got to help me."The doctor opens his desk drawer and removes a small bottle of pills. "Ordinarily, I wouldn't do this. These are experimental, the tests so far indicate that they're VERY powerful. Don't give her more than ONE, understand? JUST one.""I don't know, doc; she's awfully cold..." "One. No more. In her coffee. Okay?""Um... okay."Our hero expresses gratitude, and departs for home, where his wife hasdinner waiting. When dinner is finished, she goes to the kitchen to bring dessert. Our hero, in fumbling haste, pulls the pills from his pocket and drops one into his wife's coffee. He reflects for a moment, hesitates, then drops in a second pill. And then he begins to worry. The doctor did say they were powerful. Then an inspiration strikes: he drops one pill into his own coffee.His wife returns with the shortcake, and they enjoy their dessert and coffee, our hero with poorly concealed anticipation. Sure enough, a few minutes after they finish, his wife shudders a little, sighs deeply and heavily, and a strange smoky look enters her eyes. In a deep, throaty, near-whisper, in a tone of voice he has never heard her use before, she says, "I... need...a man..."His eyes glitter and his hands tremble as he replies, "Me... too.." |
Write a joke about the following category | Men | It was a hot summer day, and the old courthouse was just as hot. The air was thick and humid, and the jury was having a hard time staying focused. One of the jurors succumbed to the heat, falling asleep just as the victim was being questioned by the prosecutor. "The defendant is accused of making obscene phone calls to your home. Would you please tell the jury precisely what the defendant said when he called you," asked the prosecutor. "I can't do that," the victim replied. "It was so crude and disgusting. I can't use language like that." "Would it help to just write it down?" The victim wrote out every detail of what the obscene caller had said, and passed the note to the judge. The judge read the note. It was then passed to the prosecutor, the defense attorney, and finally to the jury. The sleeping juror was seated at the back corner of the jury box, and was the last to receive the note. He was awoken with a nudge from an attractive young juror, seated next to him, and she passed him the note. He read it, gazed in awe at the woman, and read it again. He turned to her, smiling broadly, and winked. He then put the note into his pocket. The judge demanded, "Please pass that note to the bailiff." "But your honor," the juror protested, "It's a private matter." |
Write a joke about the following category | Men | Mr. Benton thought he had had the last word when he presented his ex-wife with an unusual gift for her birthday. A tombstone on which he had carved, "Here lies my ex-wife Sonja.....cold as usual." Much to his surprise, however, his wife one-upped him for his birthday with a tombstone of his own on which she'd had carved, "Here lies my ex-husband Bennett.....stiff at last." |
Write a joke about the following category | Men | A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?"The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?"The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, "My wife's first husband." |
Write a joke about the following category | Men | A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seenyou in a while. What happened? You look terrible.""What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine.""What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before.""Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm finenow.""Well, ok, but what about that hook? "What happened to your hand?""We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight.My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I'm fine, really.""What about that eye patch?""Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over. I looked upand one of them S*#t in my eye.""You're kidding," said the bartender, "you couldn't lose an eyejust from some bird S*%t.""It was my first day with the hook." |
Write a joke about the following category | Bar Jokes | The Policeman had stopped the man for obvious drunken driving, but since the guy had a clean record, he made him park the car and took him home in the patrol car. "Are you sure this is your house?" the cop asked as they drove into a rather fashionable neighborhood. "Shertainly!" said the drunk, "and if you'll just open the door f'me, I can prove it to ya." Entering the living room, he said, "You shee that piano? Thash mine. You shee that giant television set? Thast mine too. Now follow me." The police officer followed the man as he shakily negotiated the stairs to the second floor. The drunk pushed open the first door they came to. "Thish ish my bedroom," he announced. "Shee the bed there? Thast mine! Shee that woman lying in the bed? Thash my wife. An' see that guy lying next to her? "Yeah?" the cop replied suspiciously. Beginning at this point to seriously doubt the man's story. "Well, thash me!" |
Write a joke about the following category | Men | These three married couples died and when they got to the pearly gates. St.Peter told the first husband, "I can't let you in. You let alcohol run your life. You even married a girl named Sherry." Dejected, he turned and walked away. The next married couple stepped up, and St.Peter told the husband, "Can't let you in sir. While you were on earth, you allowed money to run your life. You even married a girl named Penny." The guy hung his head, turned and walked away. The husband of the third couple waiting in line, overheard both conversations and said, "Come on, Fanny, he's not going to let us in either." |
Write a joke about the following category | Men | One man explaining to another why he fired his secretary: "Two weeks ago," I said, "was my forty-fifth birthday and I wasn't feeling too hot that morning anyway. I went into the kitchen for breakfast knowing that my wife would be pleasant and say 'Happy Birthday' and probably have a present for me. She didn't even say 'Good Morning' let alone say 'Happy Birthday'. "I said to myself Well that's wives for you. The children will remember.' But the children came into breakfast and didn't say a word. And when I started to the office, I was feeling pretty low and despondent. As I walked into my office, Janet said 'Good Morning, Boss-Happy Birthday' and I felt a little bit better that someone had remembered. I worked until noon. About noon, Janet knocked on my door and said, You know it's such a beautiful day outside and it is your birthday, so let's go to lunch, just you and I.' I said, 'By George, that is the greatest thing I have heard all day. Let's go.' "We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go, we went out into the country to a private place. We had two Martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously. "On the way back to the office, she said, 'You know, it's such a beautiful day we don't need to go back to the office, do we?' I said, 'No, I guess not.' "She said, 'Let's go by my apartment, and I'll fix you another Martini.' "We went to her apartment. We enjoyed another Martini and smoked a cigarette and she said, 'Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable' and I allowed her as I didn't mind at all. "She went into the bedroom and in about six minutes she came out of the bedroom carrying a big birthday cake followed by my wife and children. All were singing 'Happy Birthday' and there I sat with nothing on but my socks." |
Write a joke about the following category | Men | Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out on a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It's a beautiful day and love is in the air. Marie leans over to Pierre and says: "Pierre, kiss me!" Our hero grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips. "What are you doing, Pierre?", says the startled Marie. "I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I like to have red wine!" She smiles and they start kissing. When things began to heat up a little, Marie says, "Pierre, kiss me lower." Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and starts pouring it all over her breasts. "Pierre! What are you doing?", asks the bewildered Marie. "I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I like to have white wine!" They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up. Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, "Pierre, kiss me lower!" Our hero rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap. He then strikes a match and lights it on fire. Marie shrieks and dives into the river. Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms upwards and screams furiously, "PIERRE, WHAT IN THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?" Our hero stands up, defiantly, and says, "I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! When I go down, I go down in flames!" |
Write a joke about the following category | Men | A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. Upon getting home, he announces to his wife the purchase he just made. "Olympic condoms?", she blurts, "What makes them so special?" "There are three colors," he replies, "Gold, Silver and Bronze." "What color are you going to wear tonight?", she asks cheekily. "Gold of course," says the man proudly. The wife responds, "Why don't you wear Silver, it would be nice if you came second for a change!" |
Write a joke about the following category | Bar Jokes | "Get this." said the English bloke to his mates, "Last night while I was down the pub with you guys, a burglar broke into my house."Did he get anything?" his mates asked."yeah, a broken jaw, six teeth knocked out, and a pair of broken nuts. The wife thought it was me coming home drunk." |
Write a joke about the following category | Men | Dan married one of a pair of identical twin girls. Less than a year later, he was in court filing for a divorce."OK," the judge said, "Tell the court why you want a divorce.""Well, your honor," Dan started, "Every once in a while my sister in law would come over for a visit, and because she and my wife are so identical looking, every once in a while I`d end up making love to her by mistake.""Surely there must be some difference between the two women." the judge said."You`d better believe there is a difference, your honor. That`s why I want the divorce." he replied. |
Write a joke about the following category | Men | A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service the pallbearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then finally dies. A ceremony is again held at the same place, and at the end of the ceremony the pallbearers are again carrying out the casket. As they are walking, the husband cries out, "Watch the wall!" |
Write a joke about the following category | Men | A geezer walks up to a beautiful woman in a shopping mall. "Excuse me" he says "But I've lost my wife here somewhere and I can't find her. Could you please help me?" "What do you need me to do?" asks the woman. "Just stand here and talk to me" the man replies. "How's that going to help?" she asks. "No idea really...but every time I talk to a woman with hooters like yours, my wife appears out of nowhere!!" |
Write a joke about the following category | Men | A man phones home from his office and tells his wife: "Something has just come up. I have a chance to go fishing for a week. It's the opportunity of a lifetime. We leave right away. So pack my clothes, my fishing equipment, and especially my blue silk pajamas. I'll be home in an hour to pick them up."He goes home in a hurry and grabs everything and rushes off.A week later he returns. His wife asks, "Did you have a good trip, dear?" He says, "Oh yes, great! But you forgot to pack my blue silk pajamas."His wife smiles and says, "Oh no, I didn't. I put them in your tackle box!" |
Write a joke about the following category | Men | Pinocchio had just finished having sex with his girlfriend, and he asked her, "So ... how was I?" She said, "Well, Pinocchio ... I hate to say this, but when we have sex, you give me splinters!" Pinocchio was devastated. He went running to Gepetto, crying, "My girlfriend says that when we have sex, I give her splinters! Is there anything you can do?"Gepetto says, "What you need, my boy, is a piece of sandpaper. Use this once a day, and that'll solve the problem."About a month later, Gepetto ran into Pinocchio on the street. "How was that sandpaper I gave you?" He asked. "Are you still having problems with the girls?""Girls?" Pinocchio asked. "Who needs girls?" |
Write a joke about the following category | Men | John receives a phone call. "Hello," he answers. The voice on the other end says, "This is Susan. We met at a party about 3 months ago." John: "Hmm... Susan? About 3 months ago?" Susan: "Yes, it was at Bill's house. After the party you took me home. On the way we parked and got into the back seat. You told me I was a good sport." John: "Oh, yeah! Susan! How are you?" Susan: "I'm pregnant and I'm going to kill myself." John: "Say, you ARE a good sport." |
Write a joke about the following category | Men | A Bible study group was discussing the unforeseen possibility of their sudden death. The leader of the discussion said, " We will all die some day, and none of us really know when, but if we did we would all do a better job of preparing ourselves for that inevitable event.""Everybody shook their heads in agreement with this comment."Then the leader said to the group, "What would you do if you knew youonly had 4 weeks of life remaining before your death, and then the Great Judgment Day?"A gentleman said, " I would go out into my community and minister the Gospel to those that have not yet accepted the Lord into their lives.""Very good!" ,said the group leader, and all the group members agreed, that would be a very good thing to do.One lady spoke up and said enthusiastically, "I would dedicate all of my remaining time to serving God, my family, my church, and my fellow man with a greater conviction.""That"s wonderful!" the group leader commented, and all the group members agreed, that would be a very good thing to do.But one gentleman in the back finally spoke up loudly and said, "I would go to my mother-in-laws house for the 4 weeks."Everyone was puzzled by this answer, and the group leader ask, "Why your mother-in-law's home?""Because that will make it the longest 4 weeks of my life!" |
Write a joke about the following category | Men | A man enters a restaurant and while sitting at his table, notices a gorgeous woman sitting at another table, alone. He calls the waiter over and asks for the most expensive bottle of champagne to be sent over to her knowing that if she accepts it, she is his.The waiter gets the bottle and quickly sends it over to the girl, saying this is from the gentleman. She looks at the champagne and decides to send a note to the man. The note read: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, $1 million in liquid assets, and 7 inches in your pants."Well, the man, after reading this note, sends one of his own back to her and it read: "Just so you know -- I happen to have TWO Mercedes in my garage, I have well over $2 million in assets, but not even for YOU, would I cut off 2 inches! Send the bottle back." |
Write a joke about the following category | Men | A guy walked up to a beautiful young woman in a bar. "Do you mind if I ask you a personal question?" he said to her."I don't know," replied the beautiful young woman. "It depends how personal it is.""OK," the guy said. "How many men have you slept with?""I'm not going to tell you that!" the woman exclaimed. "That's my business!""Sorry," said the guy, "I didn't realize you made a living out of it." |
Write a joke about the following category | Men | Jenny's husband, Charley, was a male chauvinist. Even though they both worked full-time, he never helped around the house. Housework was woman's work! But one evening Jenny arrived home from work to find the children bathed, one load of clothes in the washer and another in the dryer, dinner on the stove, and the table set. She was astonished--something's up.It turns out that Charley had read an article that said wives who worked full-time and had to do their own housework were too tired to have sex. The night went well and the next day she told her office friends all about it."We had a great dinner. Charley even cleaned up. He helped the kids do their homework, folded all the laundry and put everything away. I really enjoyed the evening.""But what about afterward?" asked her friends."Oh, that was perfect too. Charley was too tired!" |