arunma/shortjokes · Datasets at Hugging Face

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Things have really turned around for me since I re-named my penis and testicles ""JD Power and Associates"".
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
My cat just walked by me carrying a toy mouse I don't remember buying her. Women be shoppin!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Why did the Xbox owner cross the road? To fuck your mom.
Sometimes you check the amount of subscribed people. When you do this, there are 4,111,093,0003.666 ""humorists"". 2/3rds of a person? Really?
I don't believe in Bigfoot; because he never believed in me. I'd scan the crowd at my ballet recitals, and always see that one empty seat.
What did the porn actress say when she opened the door? Make sure to come upstairs.
I don't judge people based on color, race, religion, sexuality, or gender...I base it on whether or not they're an asshole.
Why were the baker's hands brown? Because he kneaded a poo.
Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.
I often think if I'd taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
I'm terrible at telling jokes... I always punch up the fuck lines
What did the hillbilly say to his sister after she asked him to have sex with her? If you incest.
""You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this"" -Guy who invented shovels
How to keep the flies off the bride at an Italian wedding Keep a bucket of shit next to her
What do grandparents smell like? ""Depends""
7% of all hearing loss is a result of sitting in a restaurant next to a table full of women who just received dessert.
What do people from the 1930's and /r/news jokes have in common? They're both old.
I like my slaves like I like my coffee Fair Trade.
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once GIRL: holy cow how did you survive ME: I fell off the bottom rung
What do you call a blind dinosaur? A do-think-he-saurus :) !! Lol What do you call a blind dinosaurs dog? A do-you-think-he-saurus-rex
I just bought a very tiny amphibian for a pet. It's my-newt!
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don't believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
Jenna Jameson to Oprah, ""There's a little bit of Jenna Jameson in everyone."" I'm pretty sure she got that backwards.
Even after 20 years, Jared Fogle is still getting into smaller and smaller jeans.
I have a degree in men's studies. It's called ""world history"". #TRUMP 2016! YOU CAN'T STUMP THE TRUMP!
Why don't most fans like the first 39 episodes of DBZ? Its pretty gay, just Saiyan.
My ex-wife still misses me... But her aim is gettin better.
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
What do you call a three-humped camel? Pregnant (Told to me by one of the kids at work)
What did the two tampons say to each other? Nothing, they're both stuck-up cunts.
What do you call Jay-Z having a leg transplant? A hip-hop hip op.
What defies the law of gravity? Women. They heavier they are, the easier they are to pick up.
Everything has to be related in a woman: if the mouth shuts, the legs open.
Wanna hear a pun about long hair? Rapunzel.
""I'm so pissed I could punch a ba-"" ""A what?"" Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand. ""A bagel. I HATE carbs.""
What's the difference Donald Trump and my Vagina? One's a Cunt and the other has nice hair.
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that's supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
[uses the restroom] Wife: make sure to put the toilet seat down Me: okay Me: [to toilet seat] you're worthless and nobody likes you
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a supermarket trolley? A: The supermarket trolley has a mind of its own.
You know... When someone says to you ""Jesus loves you."" It's always comforting. Unless you are in a Mexican jail.
When I hear ""This call is being monitored for quality assurance"" I think ""Cool, let's see how bad this person wants their job.""
You know what the definition of ""competitive"" is? Finishing first and third in a circlejerk.
How do you know if your wine was made in the 90's? It smells like teen spirit.
What was the name of Paul Revere's favorite porno mag? The British are Coming
[car wreck] [hand reaches out] ""Take my hand. I'm Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback."" [I let the flames slowly bake me alive]
Just waiting for Steve Harvey to come out and say it's actually Clinton any second now
Chicken Why did the chicken cross the road? Why? To go to the gay guys house Knock knock Who's there? The chicken
Teacher: Why do we put a hyphen in a bird-cage? Pupil: For a parrot to perch on miss.
I visited Amsterdam this summer, and decided to have sex with a prostitute. It was an overall positive experience. Sadly, it was an HIV positive experience.
Yup. If pasta & antipasta ever touch, they annihilate. For your safety, that's why restaurants never serve them together.
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won't kill all of them.
When my wife takes a nap, it's ""desperately needed rest."" When I do, it's ""lazy chauvinist party-time.""
""Update the Force, young Skywalker"" Said Adobe Wan Kenobi.
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
TIL A ref can show a player the red card for a loud fart ... even if it isn't Messi.
What did the wise man say to the fat guy? You should probably go on a diet.
Who is better? The 3rd wave feminist or the pencil? The pencil is better. It has a point.
Guys, I think I found the Cure to Aids! It requires having a Magic Johnson.
Why do you call a Mexican midget a paragraph? ...because he's too short to be called an essay.
This morning I had a swollen testicle. ""I'd have simply preferred toast,"" I told my wife.
""What's that?"" A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I'm a little bit closer to freedom. puts in dollar ""WTH!?!""
What do you call a blonde in a BMW? Optional.
If you have a parrot and you don't teach it to say,""Help, they've turned me into a parrot."" you are wasting everybody's time.
My 8 y/o memorized my 12 character password that has upper and lowercase letters, numbers and symbols but can't remember to flush the toilet
What do you call a racist dog from Animal Crossing? KKK Slider
Me: waiter, do you have frog legs? Waiter: of course monsieur Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer
It's comforting to know that the US government works the same way as a college student when it comes to deadlines... They both wait until the last minute, then get an extension.
What did the man with The World's Largest Penis say when he had to have his legs amputated ""Don't worry, I still have my third one.""
What's the worse thing to do to a blind person? Leave a plunger in the toilet
When I was interviewed for a job in the chemistry department, they asked me if I had lab experience. I said I was more of a cat person.
There are two types of people in this world. And I hate them both.
I'd give these pigeons some bread but they'd probably just spend it on drugs.
Two skeptics walk into a bar.. I'd tell you what happens next but noone knows
Everytime you pull the trigger a bullet loses its job...HAHAHAHA! Because it gets FIRED. HAHAHA! I'm in tears
In China the labels read, ""Made by someone you know.""
It would be great to be born on Earth and die on Mars. Preferably not on the point of impact.
You could be a ""Before"" model.
Descartes walks into the bar. The bartender asks him, ""will you have your usual tonight?"" Rene replies ""I think not"" and he disappears.
Anyone want to hear my Human Centipede joke? Nah, I won't tell you it. It sucks ass.
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
My favorite knock knock joke. I need someone to start it ... Someone start the knock knock joke ...
My Parents asked me what i wanted for christmas... I said i want something to wear and something to play with. So they got me a pair of pants with the pockets cut out.
With 10K characters, I can finally get into great detail about how I'm not allowed at the company family picnic any more!
[at my funeral] So young, how did he die? He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word ""bae""
Stealing my little brother's (fellow Redditor) original joke, hope he sees it and is pissed. What do you get when you cross a pig and a Christmas tree...? A Porky-Pine
What do you call a frisbee that's more than a friend? Frisbae
What does a sheep say after walking into a disgusting, dirty bar? Ew.
What's the best part of a pregnancy joke? The delivery.
I lost my virginity to a retarded girl last night. I wanted it to be special
What is the biggest compliment you can pay at a gay bar? Pushing in somebody's stool.
What is your best ""Yo mama"" joke?
What's a pirate's favourite type of weaponry? It's ARRRtillery! bonus: A pirate's favourite melee weapon? A scimitARRR
Hey, who did you vote for?... I wrote in Michael J. Fox. I think he can really shake things up!
I once had a crippiling masturbation addiction... ...now i have a sex addiction, could you say my addiction has gotten out of hand?
Do it tomorrow. You have made enough mistakes for today.
Why did the Mexican take his Xanax? For hispanic attacks.
Guy tries giving me his phone number Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
I'm glad it's the thought that counts because I spend all day thinking about the shit I should be doing.
A man balks in a war He is discharged for dereliction of duty and takes up drinking.

Things have really turned around for me since I re-named my penis and testicles ""JD Power and Associates"".

My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.

My cat just walked by me carrying a toy mouse I don't remember buying her. Women be shoppin!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Why did the Xbox owner cross the road? To fuck your mom.

Sometimes you check the amount of subscribed people. When you do this, there are 4,111,093,0003.666 ""humorists"". 2/3rds of a person? Really?

I don't believe in Bigfoot; because he never believed in me. I'd scan the crowd at my ballet recitals, and always see that one empty seat.

What did the porn actress say when she opened the door? Make sure to come upstairs.

I don't judge people based on color, race, religion, sexuality, or gender...I base it on whether or not they're an asshole.

Why were the baker's hands brown? Because he kneaded a poo.

Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.

I often think if I'd taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.

I'm terrible at telling jokes... I always punch up the fuck lines

What did the hillbilly say to his sister after she asked him to have sex with her? If you incest.

""You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this"" -Guy who invented shovels

How to keep the flies off the bride at an Italian wedding Keep a bucket of shit next to her

What do grandparents smell like? ""Depends""

7% of all hearing loss is a result of sitting in a restaurant next to a table full of women who just received dessert.

What do people from the 1930's and /r/news jokes have in common? They're both old.

I like my slaves like I like my coffee Fair Trade.

ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once GIRL: holy cow how did you survive ME: I fell off the bottom rung

What do you call a blind dinosaur? A do-think-he-saurus :) !! Lol What do you call a blind dinosaurs dog? A do-you-think-he-saurus-rex

I just bought a very tiny amphibian for a pet. It's my-newt!

This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don't believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.

Jenna Jameson to Oprah, ""There's a little bit of Jenna Jameson in everyone."" I'm pretty sure she got that backwards.

Even after 20 years, Jared Fogle is still getting into smaller and smaller jeans.

I have a degree in men's studies. It's called ""world history"". #TRUMP 2016! YOU CAN'T STUMP THE TRUMP!

Why don't most fans like the first 39 episodes of DBZ? Its pretty gay, just Saiyan.

My ex-wife still misses me... But her aim is gettin better.

This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread

What do you call a three-humped camel? Pregnant (Told to me by one of the kids at work)

What did the two tampons say to each other? Nothing, they're both stuck-up cunts.

What do you call Jay-Z having a leg transplant? A hip-hop hip op.

What defies the law of gravity? Women. They heavier they are, the easier they are to pick up.

Everything has to be related in a woman: if the mouth shuts, the legs open.

Wanna hear a pun about long hair? Rapunzel.

""I'm so pissed I could punch a ba-"" ""A what?"" Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand. ""A bagel. I HATE carbs.""

What's the difference Donald Trump and my Vagina? One's a Cunt and the other has nice hair.

My doctor had to put me on a new medication that's supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood

[uses the restroom] Wife: make sure to put the toilet seat down Me: okay Me: [to toilet seat] you're worthless and nobody likes you

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a supermarket trolley? A: The supermarket trolley has a mind of its own.

You know... When someone says to you ""Jesus loves you."" It's always comforting. Unless you are in a Mexican jail.

When I hear ""This call is being monitored for quality assurance"" I think ""Cool, let's see how bad this person wants their job.""

You know what the definition of ""competitive"" is? Finishing first *and* third in a circlejerk.

How do you know if your wine was made in the 90's? It smells like teen spirit.

What was the name of Paul Revere's favorite porno mag? The British are Coming

[car wreck] [hand reaches out] ""Take my hand. I'm Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback."" [I let the flames slowly bake me alive]

Just waiting for Steve Harvey to come out and say it's actually Clinton any second now

Chicken Why did the chicken cross the road? Why? To go to the gay guys house Knock knock Who's there? The chicken

Teacher: Why do we put a hyphen in a bird-cage? Pupil: For a parrot to perch on miss.

I visited Amsterdam this summer, and decided to have sex with a prostitute. It was an overall positive experience. Sadly, it was an HIV positive experience.

Yup. If pasta & antipasta ever touch, they annihilate. For your safety, that's why restaurants never serve them together.

Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won't kill all of them.

When my wife takes a nap, it's ""desperately needed rest."" When I do, it's ""lazy chauvinist party-time.""

""Update the Force, young Skywalker"" Said Adobe Wan Kenobi.

lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake

TIL A ref can show a player the red card for a loud fart ... even if it isn't Messi.

What did the wise man say to the fat guy? You should probably go on a diet.

Who is better? The 3rd wave feminist or the pencil? The pencil is better. It has a point.

Guys, I think I found the Cure to Aids! It requires having a Magic Johnson.

Why do you call a Mexican midget a paragraph? ...because he's too short to be called an essay.

This morning I had a swollen testicle. ""I'd have simply preferred toast,"" I told my wife.

""What's that?"" A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I'm a little bit closer to freedom. *puts in dollar* ""WTH!?!""

What do you call a blonde in a BMW? Optional.

If you have a parrot and you don't teach it to say,""Help, they've turned me into a parrot."" you are wasting everybody's time.

My 8 y/o memorized my 12 character password that has upper and lowercase letters, numbers and symbols but can't remember to flush the toilet

What do you call a racist dog from Animal Crossing? KKK Slider

Me: waiter, do you have frog legs? Waiter: of course monsieur Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer

It's comforting to know that the US government works the same way as a college student when it comes to deadlines... They both wait until the last minute, then get an extension.

What did the man with The World's Largest Penis say when he had to have his legs amputated ""Don't worry, I still have my third one.""

What's the worse thing to do to a blind person? Leave a plunger in the toilet

When I was interviewed for a job in the chemistry department, they asked me if I had lab experience. I said I was more of a cat person.

There are two types of people in this world. And I hate them both.

I'd give these pigeons some bread but they'd probably just spend it on drugs.

Two skeptics walk into a bar.. I'd tell you what happens next but noone knows

Everytime you pull the trigger a bullet loses its job...HAHAHAHA! Because it gets FIRED. HAHAHA! *I'm in tears*

In China the labels read, ""Made by someone you know.""

It would be great to be born on Earth and die on Mars. Preferably not on the point of impact.

You could be a ""Before"" model.

Descartes walks into the bar. The bartender asks him, ""will you have your usual tonight?"" Rene replies ""I think not"" and he disappears.

Anyone want to hear my Human Centipede joke? Nah, I won't tell you it. It sucks ass.

My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.

My favorite knock knock joke. I need someone to start it ... Someone start the knock knock joke ...

My Parents asked me what i wanted for christmas... I said i want something to wear and something to play with. So they got me a pair of pants with the pockets cut out.

With 10K characters, I can finally get into great detail about how I'm not allowed at the company family picnic any more!

[at my funeral] So young, how did he die? He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word ""bae""

Stealing my little brother's (fellow Redditor) original joke, hope he sees it and is pissed. What do you get when you cross a pig and a Christmas tree...? A Porky-Pine

What do you call a frisbee that's more than a friend? Frisbae

What does a sheep say after walking into a disgusting, dirty bar? Ew.

What's the best part of a pregnancy joke? The delivery.

I lost my virginity to a retarded girl last night. I wanted it to be special

What is the biggest compliment you can pay at a gay bar? Pushing in somebody's stool.

What is your best ""Yo mama"" joke?

What's a pirate's favourite type of weaponry? It's ARRRtillery! bonus: A pirate's favourite melee weapon? A scimitARRR

Hey, who did you vote for?... I wrote in Michael J. Fox. I think he can really shake things up!

I once had a crippiling masturbation addiction... ...now i have a sex addiction, could you say my addiction has gotten out of hand?

Do it tomorrow. You have made enough mistakes for today.

Why did the Mexican take his Xanax? For hispanic attacks.

*Guy tries giving me his phone number* Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one

I'm glad it's the thought that counts because I spend all day thinking about the shit I should be doing.

A man balks in a war He is discharged for dereliction of duty and takes up drinking.