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"Biography of a voyeur He came, he saw, he came" |
"I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone's gotta have multiple." |
"In light of MLK day... African american culture has fought so hard not to have to sit at the back of the bus. But they still do anyway." |
"What's ISIS's favourite song? Niggas in Paris" |
"Did you know that in any given group, only 9/10 of people understand basic math? The other 3% doesn't." |
"If I had to describe myself in one word... It would be, ""Unable to follow instructions.""" |
"What I don't understand is, how did Jabba the Hutt become so powerful? He's just a fat, lecherous crook. Wait" |
"Did you hear the Joke they don't tell retards... No, Oh my bad." |
"Why did the element Fluorine get a copyright strike? Because it was extremely reactive" |
"What do you call a Vietcong that's been hit by napalm? Charlie Brown" |
"When I was in 3rd grade my teacher smoking in the classroom told us not to tell well I'm telling you now" |
"How do you know a black guy's been at your computer? It's not there." |
"Crabs are amazing collectivistic creatures; they only use pubic transportation." |
"OC that I came up with whilst daydreaming: Why is there no sofa in the forbidden kingdom? ... because Mao is more of a chair man!" |
"OMG! It's colder than a pimps heart out here!" |
"Canada's navy" |
"Why are most reactionists black? Because stealing is the only thing they can do." |
"Fired from my court room sketch artist job, for putting thought bubbles on people's heads saying ""The court room sketch artist is so hunky.""" |
"I used to have a friend who practiced acupuncture." |
"Why do lesbians like radishes? Because they like to get their daikon." |
"The first step of any project is to grossly underestimate its complexity and difficulty." |
"What has 2 legs and bleeds a lot? Half a dog" |
"What do gay men and ambulances have in common Both get loaded from the rear and go woop-woop!" |
"A flying pig defecated on me today. I shit you not." |
"At my funeral I want a dozen doves recaptured." |
"My friend gave me a free dvd... but it's only Chinatown." |
"A black man and a mexican are in a car. Who is driving? The police officer" |
"Me: Define Illegal Cop: You're drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling 'For Narnia' Me: I want my lawyer." |
"What do you get if you cross history and a cow? A moo-suem." |
"A man only wearing saran wrap pants... Walks into his doctors office. The doctor says: ""Well, I can clearly see your nuts.""" |
"What is a gay jew's favourite bank? Goldman Sach's" |
"After his failed Presidential run, Bernie Sanders decides to write a book and finally endorses Hillary Clinton. The Clinton Foundation bought 10 million copies in advance." |
"A joke I like my women like I like my coffee. Without a penis." |
"I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you. They could have least waited until I got dressed and left." |
"I'm not racist, but... >[deleted]" |
"What do Pink Floyd and Princess Diana have in common? Their last hit was the wall." |
"All of the other reindeer were secretly watching red-nose-on-regular-nose porn." |
"What's the difference between a duck? One of it's legs is both the same." |
"'Appearances can be deceiving' said my fortune cookie message; then I realized I've cracked open a snail." |
"Paula Deen should create her own brand of butter called I Can't Believe It's Not 1860." |
"Grammar Nazis see things only two ways The Reich way or the wrong way" |
"A photon checks into a motel the clerk says, ""Do you have any luggage? If so, I can have the bell hop take it to your room."" The photon replies, ""No, I am traveling light!""" |
"I have a Step-Ladder... I never knew my real ladder tho. :\" |
"I can always tell by their eyes if someone is a primary school teacher They have small pupils....." |
"Did you hear about the dyslexic, agnostic insomniac? He stayed up all night wondering if there really was a dog." |
"The worst thing about being deaf is... when I masturbate, I can't hear anybody come in my room. *Not even myself.*" |
"What does an elephant say, looking at a naked man ? You can't breathe from it" |
"Malaysia has some of the world's best magicians They make entire planes disappear." |
"why is the bass player stuck outside? he doesn't know when to come in and can't find the right key anyway" |
"Once you go black... ...you're a single mother" |
"I told my wife not to turn her head away after giving me a blowjob, but she didn't listen. It went in one ear and out the other." |
"ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything. WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter. ME: I know. *carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*" |
"[Lions watching a romantic comedy about humans] Why doesn't he simply mount her with no apparent warning?" |
"Why do Chinese warriors die so easily in battle? No matter how much protective garments they wear, there's still a chink in the armor." |
"two lesbians Lesbian 1: ""Hey! I finally found your dido!"" Lesbian 2: ""Great! I knew you had it in you!""" |
"Man in fatigues w SONY written on his forehead has handcuffed me&my sons to radiator & is forcing us to watch 8th Spider-Man reboot in 3 yrs" |
"Money doesn't grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations." |
"Astronomy Professor: What causes a half-moon? Student: When you can't get your jeans over your thighs." |
"Massive explosion at a French cheese factory, first responders say cause is still unknown. All that was left was de brie." |
"What do you call a skeleton who just had anesthesia? A numbskull" |
"What does a black person get after sex...??? A life sentence." |
"If April showers bring May flowers, then what do May Flowers bring? Genocide" |
"""One man's trash is another man's treasure"" is a great saying... But apparently a bad way to tell your kid they're adopted." |
"I'm at my most James Bond when I charge past the guards*, use my atomic laser**, and open the safe*** * 3 cats ** can opener *** catfood can" |
"TIL several states in the South banned calculus from schools in the 1950's. Apparently they opposed integration." |
"Hello. It's me. I was wondering if after all this time you still had all the money you owe me." |
"I just realized that my sex life is like my movie habits. I stick it in, lean back, and fall asleep halfway through." |
"Mickey Mouse ""Doc, my knees hurt!"" Doctor: Which knee? Mickey: Disney" |
"Sometimes I think we're all going to be okay. Other times I read Yahoo Answers." |
"Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it." |
"What is her Majesty the Queen's console of choice? The Royal Wii." |
"What's 12 inches long and hangs in front of an ass? Donald Trump's tie." |
"God is cruel God said that good lil wayne songs could be found in all corners of the Earth. Then he made the Earth round and laughed." |
"What do black people get after death? Nigger Mortis" |
"Einstein made a theory about space, And it was about time, too!" |
"What's the difference between an amusement park and a pedophile? A pedophile doesn't have a height limit" |
"What do you call a Kryptonian who loves popcorn? Kern-el" |
"My wife was gang raped, impregnated and gave birth to a baby boy named Muhammed. Now they want to kill us for depicting the Prophet Muhammad." |
"Perfect pitch is... ...when you throw an accordion into a dumpster and it hits a banjo." |
"Boy born with no eyelids! The Dr. used the foreskin from the circumcision. Now the boy is cockeyed" |
"Why did the hen win a Wild West duel between it and a Peacock? Hen shot first." |
"How many hipsters does it take to screw in a light bulb? Some obscure number you probably never heard of." |
"A Buddhist monk goes to a hot dog stand The monk says, ""Make me one with everything.""" |
"What did the String Theorist say when his wife caught him in bed with another woman? Wait, I can explain everything!" |
"Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?" |
"SOMEONE LEFT THEIR DOGS IN THE CAR WITH THE WINDOWS ROLLED UP -Ma'am, that's a pack of Ballpark All-Beef Franks. ITS 500 DEGREES IN THERE" |
"Whenever I confront the messy baker I'm always walking on eggshells." |
"What did one cop say to the other cop while investigating a crime scene at a farm? A rooster!" |
"Why are Jews so good at making action movies? Shlo-mo." |
"Broke up with my blind girlfriend She didn't see it coming" |
"is this already a joke? Why don't pastry chefs buy taylor made cigarettes? Because they profiterole their own" |
"What did one bunny say to the other bunny? ""There's a sale on at the carrot store!""" |
"The Spicy Sausage by Delia Katessen" |
"TIL That I Shouldn't have gone to law school, because everyone in /r/news already has their law degree" |
"What did the RAM stick say to the politician? I'm PC2!" |
"what do you call a play about victorian era menstruation? A period piece!" |
"Calculus should be taught in every high school around the world. It is such an integral field of math." |