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were not late on our comic its definitely sunday sunday may 10th 2014 were totally on time and havent been sitting on our butts watching netflix and not writing articles all summer so put away your calendar and just trust us on this one weve always been a reliable source and now that our intern has finally recovered our password we can post stories again! go team! (dont worry said intern has been flayed and executed for his crimes against the realm rip mark dore) now that were back were sooo excited to end our lovely summer vacation so we can stay up late writing articles drawing comics and researching the delicious drama that is life at texas a&m goodbye late-night alcohol-fueled parties and hello late-night coffee-fueled alcohol-fueled writing sessions youre probably wondering why may 10th of all days to come back from our super short hibernation well theres one man that can perk up even the laziest journalist and for those who didnt hear during their preseason game texas a&ms darling johnny heisman gave the redskins the bird forget the fact that nfl history is overflowing with the obscene gestures of its quarterbacks because this time it was johnny manziel get psyched for a new semester with us #mugdownforwhat -honey bear follow @bigoldhoneybear follow @mugdown

as the school year comes to a close wed like to take time to reflect on the many historic events that occurred this semester 1 the mugdown was born we didnt choose the mug life the mug life chose us like luke skywalker or joseph stalin destiny was flung upon us january 25th 2014 the maroon lampoon was born the comedy gods called and we answered one week later the maroon lampoon died but from the ashes a stronger paper rose and the mugdown was born 2 kyle field began renovations with the conclusion of another football season came the beginning of kyle fields facelift right now it has only had half its botox injections but you can rest assured the kyle-oseum will be a total babe when all is said and done 3 texas a&m announced the transition from pepsi to coca-cola the announcement everyone had been waiting for despite the fact that a&m has half a decade left of its contract with pepsi watching people learn the truth behind this charade was like watching a child learn the truth about santa hilarious 4 koldusgate this year featured some big events if you consider a former student body president rising from the dead and writing letters about the seedy underbelly of tamu politics a big event it also gave us a chance to see that if you put your mind to it you can do whatever you wanteven impeach the student body president house of koldus continued to entertain 5 literal boot chasers terrorized campus as the cold winter weather crept its way out of college station boot chasers crept back in while theres nothing like watching a man in uniform theres also nothing like watching a man in uniform run for his life mrs degrees arent awarded theyre won in battle 6 century treeson spitting in the face of a centurys worth of tradition (a running theme this semester) two students took to showing their love by etching their names into the century tree and onto the hate list of aggies everywhere while it was likely the work of two star-crossed lovers as aggies we can never rule out our good tree-hugging friends in austin 7 a new sbp was elected this was the year of the kkkk in tamu sga kyle kelly and kasey kram ran the student body president elections like the quality of student life may actually depend on it after doing research on presidency and the effects of hair loss another strong candidate richmond howard dropped the race using the hashtag #youcoulddoworse johnny gustafson became the most written-in candidate in texas a&m history while our own endorsed candidate bailey burrus sold students on his vision of dining dollars in the post oak mall #gigthevote 8 maroonbonnets were planted at ut thats crazy like so crazy who did that theyre probably handsome and single id date them you should date them 9 #mugdownegghunt when you think of easter what comes to mind did you say awkwardly sitting on the lap of a man dressed as the easter bunny then your childhood was as scarring as ours we like to think every good season of easter deserves an egg hunt and we gave texas a&m a hunt indeed we hid over 300 easter eggs on campus it was a great day for the site and everyone involved except for that one dude who walked under the century tree for a special egg 10 the ut class ring i think one of our commenters summed things up well: nothing more pathetic than a bunch of 40 somethings with a closet full of maroon orange red and black or whatever who have nothing better to do than to hang onto the glory days of college get a life! its people like you who constantly inspire us to keep writing so thank you comments section 11 the a&m football team kept getting arrested it was a great semester to be a college station police officer there is a rumor that next year at football games they will just show the players mugshots during their introduction since those are their most recent photos heres hoping that kenny hill is able to pull a jff and turn an arrest into a heisman campaign 12 mens basketball did about as well as we expected not well 13 #fuegosecretmenu the cat is out of the bag now all we have to do is put that cat on a taco and put that taco on the actual fuego menu well call it…fuego del gato if you ever order a ron swanson or heck even a mugdown taco think of us when you eat it just dont be weird about it see the post by fuego tortilla grill 14 #mugdowngoesglobal since we started just over three months ago we have been read in over 100 countries we have had stories published from paris london and even college station! it has been a privilege to serve the a&m community and we are only going to get larger and funnier as time goes on i hope that terrifies you as much as it does us we may have created a monster; a hilarious and topical monster who is as we mentioned earlier still single love the mugdown follow @mugdown

of the many dining options on texas a&m universitys campus there is one that stands tasty and strong six days of the week 313 days a year the commons and underground dining areas on campus are both home to beloved mini chick-fil-a express restaurants they serve the basicschicken sandwiches tenders nuggets and those waffle fries that will make you forget that other types of waffles even exist however one freshman resident of the commons dorm krueger hall claims that he is swearing off chicken sandwiches for life because of his frequent consumption of the supposed delicacy all my upperclassman friends told me that i would get tired of those sandwiches and i never believed them business major cole heifer said but it happened now i cant even smell them without wanting to gag with the end of the semester fast approaching it is not surprising that the campus food is getting a bit overdone on the pallets of students ive eaten at the commons chick-fil-a every day over the last semester alexis fredrickson freshman international studies major said im not even sad when its closed on sundays anymore because of the convenience the commons food court is heavily visited by its residents while there are four options chick-fil-a is normally tried and true but the flavor of the chicken is constant and unexciting boring students to chicken sandwich death one ra from aston hall gave some insight on how to keep the chicken fresh and delicious you just gotta get creative with the sauces junior math major jacob arnold said combining the ranch and chick-fil-a sauce gives everything whole new life! he also made the comment that he has been a resident of the commons since his freshman year and has learned the secrets of sauce mixology as the last week of the semester passes many students will fail to cope with their campus food woes before barring the franchise forever when dealing with the commons chick-faux-lame sandwiches remember to not hate the chicken-loving player hate the commons limited food options game -lone star lady

in a bold but expected move the goodbull newspaper filed all the necessary paperwork with the university wednesday to become the official rival of the battalion newspaper editor-in-chief lauren felder told the mugdown that the decision was made after a lot of careful thought and several trips to northgate rivalries are a longstanding part of tradition here at a&m felder said our name basically means tradition what does the battalion mean is that a tradition the documents were filed shortly before the close of business on wednesday april 30 and were processed early this morning student activities director russell thompson approved the request with a rubber thumbs up stamp to endorse the rivalrys inception former goodbull editor-in-chief aaron mitchell shared his thoughts through twitter as the founder of the new newspaper mitchell is the biggest proponent of the new rivalry if tradition was an official seal that grew in the grass of the msc the batt would walk all over it mitchells tweet read the battalion was contacted for a comment but on the grounds of not wanting to dignify the news with a response editor-in-chief jake walker was brief no comment walker said as he published his latest opinion piece from the bully pulpit the rivalry between the 121-year-old battalion and the independent new kid on the block will inevitably shake things up on campus for the estimated five percent of students who read printed newspapers the university has already invested in riot gear if the papers lead to tearable issues -commons lobbyist

early this morning university officials called an emergency meeting following the surprising discovery of an ancient manuscript russell bormann sophomore ocean engineering major and muster model stumbled upon the document late tuesday evening and quickly reported his find to campus authorities i came to cushing in hopes of seeing my favorite author george rr martin who i believed was to be hosting a seminar here bormann said turns out the conference was actually last year and no one bothered to take the banners down cushing memorial library host of deeper than swords (3/22/13); four aggies were sacrificed to the rhllor the lord of light disappointed by his tardiness bormann reportedly wandered around cushing in order to soak in all the blessed aggie spirit and while leafing through the 1894 corp of cadets handbook came across a tattered document bormann immediately solicited the assistance of nicolas garcia the student worker on duty that evening at first i thought it was a hoax garcia said but as i read the page i knew we had come across an authentic piece of texas a&m history as of this morning cushing memorial library and its immediate vicinity have been blocked off by campus authorities in order to conduct a thorough search of the premises additionally the banners advertising george rr martins exhibit have since been removed to avoid further confusion no official statement has been released regarding the manuscript but copies have reportedly been sent to scholars across the country to verify its authenticity and assist in deciphering its contents rumored recipients include nathan godsby (professor of linguistic anthropology cambridge) michael kelly (renowned expert in historical hermeneutics) dan brown (author the da vinci code) nicolas cage (academy award winner expert riddle solver in national treasure 1 and 2) and george rr martin himself the mugdown team has managed to acquire a copy of the manuscript and weve assembled our own panel of experts in an attempt to unlock the hidden mysteries contained therein below you will find both a copy of the document in its entirety as well as a translation of what we have best determined it to say and now we offer you the readers the opportunity to unravel its meaning and significance we are offering a reward to whomever can solve the cryptic message and decode the plethora of riddles it contains godspeed -riffety raff the broken twelve and two instead departed yet by south and east forsaking rosss ashen shed where rebels tide and tigers feast and one will rise upon that day octobers prophet here at last deliver unto us he may the bronzen sacred idol cast and once complete the prophets trial the time to come is near at hand we usher in the age of kyle a golden day in aggieland!

this is what youre supposed to be doing right now but sometimes youd rather just take a nap than study sometimes youd rather just give up all you want to do is go out and play your responsible friends try to motivate you but you cant help but blow them off all those late night netflix binges are catching up to you and you swear the whole world is working against you or maybe you really are a little bit lazy maybe you are a little pathetic maybe you should take a good hard look at yourself sure try to drink the problem away not the first time youve done that but alcohol only makes you realize that youre doomed for failure so go ahead and cry your parents never believed in you anyways

several verbal arguments have broken out over the past week between students in line to pay for food at campus eateries with the semester ending in nine days many students are in a panic to spend the last of their dining dollars on campus students have been seen at sbisa flagging down random bystanders to eat on their dime it is not uncommon to see the same at the commons most recently two freshmen commons residents were seen shouting compliments and niceties back and forth in an effort to pay for the others meal witnesses say the stalemate was reached when the friends both reached for their student id cards at the same time i was in the greater need said shannon calhoun one of the students attempting to pay i had a higher balance than liz so clearly i had the right-of-pay one witness account claimed that calhoun boxed out her friend to keep her from reaching the cash register first elizabeth smith was the other student or victim as she told the mugdown my parents bought me the $1800 meal plan because im their first kid to go to college smith said im 53 and i weigh 106 pounds i cant spend that on food! calhoun eventually prevailed in paying despite the verbal argument which lasted a reported three minutes similar outbreaks have been reported in sbisa panda express and the msc food court campus officials hope that the problem will be solved with the new meal plan options coming in the fall -commons lobbyist

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many students have taken note of the larger-than-life photographs popping up around campus as a part of university centers push to destroy the lives of students the pictures range from students standing on the seal of koldus to relaxing on the grass of the msc but perhaps the most offensive is the picture of several students walking underneath the century tree the photograph depicting head yell leader roy may a squirrel an indian student and two ethnically ambiguous but diverse students shows the group smiling under the branches of the sacred tree it is a well-known fact that anyone who dares walk under the tree alone will be alone forever and alternatively any couples that walk under will suffer a long marriage the photo campaign has been linked to an employee of the university center who reportedly walked under the tree in his teen years by accident it appears the vindictive photo campaign is his attempt to make unaware students join in his suffering by walking on seals and never graduating or entering eternal loneliness at the hands of the century tree the university center released a statement but could not be reached for comment the statement released by director bill bielamowicz stated we are investigating for any link between the pictures and tradition violations but i think the pictures are just great bielamowicz is pictured prominently in the newest poster in rudder forum where he and johnny manziel are wearing flat-billed hats inside of the msc the mugdown reached out to students to see how the campaign was affecting them sixth-year senior and leadership studies major edward collins explained that he was quite unaware of the photos altogether i dont know what pictures youre talking about he explained but i walk on the seals all the time the effects of the propaganda are not clear and likely will not be clear for many years until the tradition voodoo has worked its magic and students realize that they are not graduating and are alone forever -commons lobbyist

the following is an article we received from one of our fans across the pond and yes were being serious this article was actually written by a fan from the uk weve left it unedited so you can read it in its full british goodness didnt even drop those unnecessary us tempting as it was born in a quaint northhumberland town i first got drunk aged fourteen behind a bin with my mates cars couldve run on the stuff we bought of course it was terribly rebellious and id have been sold to the workhouse if the parents knew a few swigs in i got so nervous i gave the bottle to a stranger he seemed happy enough and i stumbled home this if im not mistaken is the basis of greek life drink and with some reluctance charity theres no need to fib youre amongst friends ive seen it on the telly anyway at some point before you arrive the entire frat strips to the waist and covers itself in paint – and theres no shortage of philanthropy half the boys would give themselves to anyone if youre a man you drink an enormous amount of beer whether by bong or by pong if youre a woman you keep a wary eye on johnny football and his million identikit friends i dont know if youre aware of genetics – although youre from texas so probably not – but frat-boys breed asexually all it takes is one and youve got yourself a litter not that were blameless in britain in my university oxford we have the same thing – only we call them ‘drinking societies for honestys sake our prime minister david ‘sharpie cameron used to be in one; trashing restaurants sniffing coke with mayor boris and wearing a daffodil waistcoat in my particular college the initiation (post-paddling) is to stand in the centre of the school watch the courtyard clock and wait until the brothers come back it can last for days and applying to a frat becomes – ahem – a waste of time then there are others where you have to drink a goldfish or vomit or something im still working on the irony of them but then thats frats i dont know how to abbreviate ‘sororities – i want to say ‘sores but that sounds medical in a nastier article youd have an aside about stds but as a serious point id like to congratulate the greek community on their sexual wellbeing the way theyve eradicated disease not to mention harassment is nothing but commendable i want you to think of your last frat party and the respect afforded to women give yourselves a round of applause – but not the clap! – my friends lets not forget the rituals i dont mean to say frat/sores are cults but theyre cults really arent they there are leaders and mud-wrestling and dodgy deeds its like that bit in indiana jones where they take the heart and eat it a friend of mine had to strip her hair-dye out to join a sore which is the white-trash equivalent of heart-eating and while its nice that frats are charitable itd be nicer if that was you know all they did if only there were people who raised money for the poor without spending it on coors light i wouldnt be impressed if unicef was holding boozy fêtes at headquarters – doing tequila off of orphans ribs like a shot-rack – and its basically the same that said i wouldnt be nasty if you didnt go on about it you never invite me to your parties the atlantics no excuse maybe soon ill come along to dallas [college station] and join in until that day you can ship me the beer-bong bud – muddy trousers

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steve jobs george washington martin luther king what do they all have in common they all hail from the greatest planet in the universe america earth day has been celebrated for 464 billion years making it the oldest holiday in the history of the universe we only started recognizing it in 1970 can you guess where the idea came from just like air conditioning the escalator and potato chips it was made in america there are many traditions surrounding earth day were not sure what they are but theyre out there we do know that people plant trees on earth day and who plants trees johnny freaking appleseed some people say only liberals celebrate earth day but there is no one more american than johnny appleseed look at that picture and tell me it doesnt make you love earth just a tiny bit more heres another question have you ever seen a bald eagle on another planet what about a waffle taco nope i didnt think so we hope you are starting to realize the gravity of the situation sometimes earth acts like we are the only planet in the universe but thats to be expected think about it! combined we have won every super bowl olympics and world series in history weve even had every miss universe thats saying a lot just throwing it out there but jesus was sent to earth john 3:16 – for god so loved the world… not the universe earth may be third from the sun but it is first in our hearts there are more confirmed ufo sightings on earth than any other planet we are like the bahamas of the universe – a destination locale dont believe me ask literally any alien and speaking of aliens notice how they always come to earth and not any other planet they migrate here because they know we are the best remind you of anyone else we even decide who gets to be a planet (suck it pluto) if we dont discover you you dont even exist and we wont even apollogize for it jupiter has sixty three moons and we only have one no big deal we dont have rings whatever do you know what earth has more of than any other planet freedom so heres to you earth crack open a beer play catch with your kid and celebrate the most american holiday in the world: earth day

a false emergency nearly prompted a 9-911 call wednesday afternoon as a student faked a seizure to play off the incessant vibration of a group message the groupme assault came during a chemistry 101 final exam things began to go south according to witnesses when professor simon north heard the phone vibration and told the class ive got my eye on you jack endon a freshman general studies major spoke to the mugdown in hopes that he could raise awareness of the growing problem of groupme on college campuses i thought silencing my phone would be enough endon said i wasnt sure if it was my fish camp dg my impact bg my flo my male-specific flo group my hometown-specific fish camp group or my suitemate group almost as soon as the test began the texts started to come in endon reportedly drew attention from the instructor who had a ‘no phone policy not wanting to fail the test endon began to shake his leg in an effort to mimic the frequency of the vibration when the texts didnt stop he had no choice but to fake a full-on seizure it was the only solution said darren hawkins a classmate who supported endons course of action dr north would definitely have failed him if he knew his phone was on panic set in the moment endons pulsating body hit the floor but the texts stopped coming in after only a few seconds dr north rushed over to see that endon was alright and the class collectively gasped for breath endon was excused from the test with dr north never realizing that there was no medical emergency endon left the class with a pass for a make-up exam and checked his phone the group message was from endons flo which contained over 50 members the conversation that made endons phone blow up however was between two members making lunch plans with each other -commons lobbyist

where one gets plugged-in on campus can determine their social standing similar to high school except that most high schools do not let students bring their laptops to class so there are no experts here in the age of e-campus web portals and cloud storage one would be completely hampered without fully juiced modern technology the modern student has one important charge during their time in college and that is to find their outlet there are three rules to outlet real estate and they are as follows: location location and location if one wants to be seen on campus there is no doubt that the msc flag room is their best option sitting on a throne of plush couches charging their laptop and listening to a personal pianist it may be easy for the average student to imagine themselves as a king or queen of the campus the experience is only enhanced by their endless stream of friends walking by making them look increasingly cooler with each greeting the trendiest students go off-campus to sit in suave coffee shops near their favorite outlet there they sip their organic coffee and not really study but instead just feel intelligent as they discuss philosophy or theology (depending on if they are sitting in sweet eugenes or mugwalls) after a brief interview with the mugdown staff sophomore drew allen chief executive officer of build said his favorite outlets on campus were the plugs behind the couches near the fish aides desk in the student activities wing of koldus i admit that i ‘graduatedand make sure to note that i am using air quotes here from fish aides over a year ago but i love using those outlets said allen the couches are not crowded at all and the fish aides are so respectful of the surrounding organizations who are doing real work to serve the students of texas a&m not only do i still get to be a part of an elaborate cult wait i mean enthusiastic freshman leadership organization that has defined my involvement on campus since i joined the group but i also get to sit right outside of reid josephs door and catch up on all the juicy sga gossip said allen being a petroleum engineering major this outlet has really been the only thing that has allowed me to stay in touch with the real world however allens experience is a starkly different one from those students who have not been fortunate enough to get plugged in the powerless on this campus are those who do not have any outlet at all the most important thing a student looking for their outlet can remember is not to get too involved in the power struggle finding an outlet may be difficult but it is the only way eager students will have the energy to survive these next four years -lonely lighter

the largest campus police action on record was carried out early friday morning in a joint effort of college station police department and tamu campus police outside of schumacher hall fergus jane a freshman horticulture major from boulder colorado is being held on various drug charges the call to authorities was made by jason goodwin when he returned to his dorm early that morning after a long night of dancing at hurricane harrys lighting up the town as many students do on thursday nights goodwin returned to his dorm to find smoke billowing out from under his door i tried to open it to see if my roommate was still in there but the door was either locked or blocked or something said goodwin i banged on the door to see if he was in there but heard nothing i dont really know the guy that well but i still didnt want him to fry in there goodwin called the fire department at 4:07 and college station fire department rolled up at 4:20 am to put out the blaze firemen found jane laying on his bed who greeted the responders with a faint and drawn out dude we were really confused at first a representative from college station fire department bluntly said but it didnt take long before we grazed the room and weeded out the possibilities there was something dubious going on police were called and after they finished casing the joint they found several duffel bags packed with drug paraphernalia and plastic bags filled with cannabis though the details are hazy it is apparent that a faulty appliance baked one of the bags in question which set the whole stash ablaze its a miracle that he didnt die frankly cspd officer marley said and its a good thing his roommate came back when he did its high time that somebody caught the kid before he caused any real damage to himself janes parents have been alerted to their sons legal trouble and are set to fly down to college station the mugdown attempted to contact them for details but mary his mother refused to comment on their behalf -beutel call

riots broke out early wednesday morning april 16 on the eastern side of campus where engineering students primarily have class these riots were the explosive result of a recent strain of vehement arguments the students have had over whose course load is the most stressful engineering students from all different branches had taken part in the vicious bickering for over a week but wednesday morning the vocal vituperations turned violent i remember talking with chris about how one of our professors looked a lot like khan from the original star trek: ii said peter stapner junior nuclear engineering major stapner witnessed an attack on his friend chris demare a fellow neunaggie (as they now call themselves) it just came out of nowhere and hit him stapner said as he sharpened makeshift arrows many students who were going about their business that morning recall seeing a metal spear sail through the air and impale demare the aeros are responsible said jamie baker a bemennenite (biomedical engineer) [the spear] practically flew! i think it was even guided like a missile the aerodites (aerospace engineers) refuse to give a statement or even speak english anymore they have already adopted their own language based on aerospace specific terms and they now wear little to no clothing theyre obsessed about shedding weight baker said as she skinned a bat to later cook and eat anything to make themselves lighter and sleeker the students involved have marked off territories crafted weapons and applied war paint with expo markers a few more skirmishes have occurred since then but it is difficult to differentiate between a battle and a hostile close encounter sometimes we dont intend to fight said tsu-min hsueh a petogunkä (petroleum engineer) like when two hunting parties get a little too close; wed rather just part ways without getting into anything but sometimes somebody gets antsy things can turn ugly pretty quickly if somebody makes a sudden move or casts the wrong glance or mentions anything about their average starting salary right out of college for now there are no signs of the fighting subsiding and students are unsure of where it all will lead students are also worrying about how this will affect their academic performance i just want it to be done with stapner said ive got three exams next week and a ton of homework to do before then more exciting developments are sure to develop until then stay clear from east campus or as the engineering students have started calling it the techniklands – samurai sully

fish camp every aggies first tradition whether its the luxurious dining of lakeview methodist conference center hours of bellowing both real and imaginary yells or awkwardly grinding with your dg leader and future classmates to ke$has die young – every aggie holds fond memories of their first adventure into collegiate life pulling into reed arena the timid incoming freshmen cant help but gaze in awe and wonder of what the next four (or possibly seven) years hold in store for them and fish camp has long served as a gateway into this world of excitement and adventure this years campers however might be undergoing a slightly different experience as a change in fish camp policy has recently been announced in a surprising move the fish camp director staff has unanimously decided to increase the number of facial piercings required by fish camp counselors the previous requirement established in 2010 set a condition of one facial piercing per counselor an act that was highly regarded as successfully promoting a&ms diversity and welcoming atmosphere our goal is to introduce the incoming fish to what campus life is actually like head director alex kalin said we want every camper to immediately recognize that a&m is a family of all shapes and sizes and that we embrace the spirit of free choice and nonconformity fish camp was established in 1954 with the purpose of indoctrinating educating incoming aggies about various traditions and organizations that they can be a part of moreover it provides a secure network of friends and mentors for those freshmen without a support system already in place fish camp has always been student led ensuring that the experience can be specifically tailored to the ever changing culture and life of texas a&m piercings along with bleached hair cross-dressing and latent homoerotic behavior is one such way that fish camp has evolved over the years in order to better align with a&ms shifting norms i started with just my ears senior seth frank told the mugdown but this year im getting my eyebrows lip and nose done as well funlola fagbohhun director of staff development first proposed the facial piercing amendment fagbohhun said i think this is the perfect way to show the freshmen along with the entire world that a&m isnt the conservative intolerant university that it used to be many see the move as a direct front against texas university who has largely dominated the more unconventional demographic due to its location in the heavily liberal city of austin you dont have to be a t-sip to have bleached hair and a nose ring said christian tulio a third year fish camp counselor i feel like this will really ramp up the competition and many who are turned off by the aggies supposed conservative spirit will have to think twice before deciding in a related note fish camp has recently added a new sponsor to their ranks which includes jasons deli blue baker and the late sullys bar and grill to the point a local tattoo parlor and piercing center has hardily agreed to fill the spot left by the unfortunate sports bar and has even committed to set up an operations center at the lakeview methodist conference center this summer there fish camp attendees will be given the opportunity to follow in the footsteps of their fish camp counselors and receive a complimentary piercing at camp we are humbled by the opportunity to shape a&ms future kalin said and we hope to leave a lasting mark on the face of this campus that will guide our university for years to come -riffety raff

citing student setbacks caused by overcrowding at entrances to the memorial student center and commons buildings lt gen joe weber vice president for student affairs and his staff have been reviewing various solutions to mitigate delays student organizations play a very important role in student life and campus identity but oftentimes students are short on time and need to get in buildings such as the msc and commons in a timely manner weber told the mugdown we are drafting plans to allow students to bypass the crowds without denying the rights of fraternities sororities flos and worthy organizations such as opas and wiley lecture series the proposed plan by chancellor john sharp is based off of disneys renowned fast pass program for expedited entry to rides with long queuing times the tentative name for the program is express entry and will be rolled out to select students with a classification of u2 on august 3rd jacob harrison a junior industrial distribution major told the mugdown im excited for express entry come august and september i wont be joining a flo or frat so being able to bypass the maze of signs and overeager freshmen will cut 30 minutes out of my trip to the msc not everyone is supportive of the divisions plan dr anne reber dean of student life says she has received numerous complaints by several organizations most notably the texas aggie conservatives one email sent to reber expressed concern that efforts to divert students from the promotion of our group is actively furthering the liberal agenda by preventing students from seeing the light of our true conservative ideology reber assures organizations that effects on promotional activities will be negligible due to the low amount of passes issued each month the preemptive separation of students will reduce crowds and assure that your signs and fliers will only be seen by students looking to become involved express entry is scheduled to be operational by the start of the fall 2014 semester to meet the demand caused by flo and rush recruiting

todays a unique day for those who dont know ive spent the last seven weeks doing weekly comics every sunday with cuppy cup from good bull hunting in addition to the sunday comics we do here on our site this weeks comic represents two months of hard work on what really doesnt even qualify as a web comic i would really define it as a creepily huge album of johnny manziel fan-art to get to the point i spent so much time on this weeks good bull hunting comic that i didnt have time to do a mugdown comic today the good bull hunting comics named off the wood are fantastic and honestly better than a lot of the ideas i come up with on my own if you dont regularly check them out heres the link to all of our previous off the wood comics off the wood comics #7: 12 labours of johnny football off the wood comics #6: hidden pictures off the wood comics #5: a quiet place off the wood comics #4: reveille to the rescue off the wood comics #3: backyard football off the wood comics #2: 12 empties off the wood comics #1: you ready to be a stronghorn so check it out and tell me your favorite of this weeks labors! follow @bigoldhoneybear

with the texas a&m spring parents weekend coming this weekend the university wishes to give aggie parents the best experience possible a trademark tradition in aggieland is the beloved midnight yell practice a surprisingly popular event amongst older generations who have not seen midnight in decades traditionally yell leaders spur the 12th man into the btho spirit at kyle field however unfortunately for tradition kyle field is currently out of play texas a&ms football stadium has been deep into a multi-year construction project since november of 2013 the field itself is currently a large patch of dirt and the stands on the east side the student side used for yell are in a state of ruin practice would be impossible without a spot for two percenters to sit however one old army ag is convinced that no tradition shall be broken due to something as silly as a minor construction project kyle field has not always been a place known for football prowess but it has always been known as the place for yell! lt col eugene rivers said why are they moving it to the liberal arts complex what do they take us for a bunch of hippies eugene rivers is a member of the fightin texas aggie class of 1960 and has come in town early his granddaughter claire rivers is a member of the class of 2014 and allegedly invited him down to join in the festivities he came a few days early to beat the traffic claire rivers declined to comment on her redass grandfather eugene rivers attempted to sneak into kyle field by sporting a hard hat and neon vest on wednesday night at around 11 and was quickly caught by authorities the perpetrator clearly had no idea what was going on when he entered the work site campus officer charles masters said but he put up quite a fight when approached eugene rivers a hardened military man gave two workers black eyes and another a broken nose before masters was called over to remove reaves from the scene yeah man marcus frey told the mugdown he just started swinging at us when we told him to leave then when the cop pulled him away he started singing that fight song sawin varsitys horns off and stuff eugene rivers however does not regret his actions i was just trying to see if everyone was going to fit for yell eugene rivers said it was just a recon mission but all you new army people want us to change everything i will not have it! he added that his favorite yell was farmers fight -lone star lady

so its ring day tomorrow and odds are your facebook event invitations list is filled to the brim with pun-filled ring dunk invites from all your buds we found the best 15 ring dunks going down this weekend and you better make all of them – or at yeast try hoppy dunking! 1 house of dunk – everything is about power – including dunking your aggie ring freddys better be catering 2 dunk in love – make sure to bring a surfboard 3 turn dunk for what –get crunk yall 4 dunkaritaville – name ring a belle 5 dunkn donuts – beer and donuts what could be better 6 dunk it ags – are you even trying 7 white men cant dunk – participating in this dunk is our favorite president-elect johnny gus – wait he didnt win even while jay arnold rubs him down with cool refreshing water 8 dunksters inc – sully!!!!! i get it 9 americas best dunk crew – the official fade 2 black ring dunk feel free to attend – but dont dance please 10 dunk of the rings– you now have your precious congrats now drop it in a pitcher of beer and chug like the future of the shire depends on it 11 we dunk maroon– soooooo puuit a penny onn sulllyyy asnd wisjh me somer drunkkkkkkk 12 dunking night live – if this dunk isnt on saturday so help me 13 dunkledores army – you better solemnly swear youre up to no good 14 ring dunk (insert pun here) – wow way to be non-conformist you guys are like soooo meta 15 the dunk event– one big day one big pitcher one big dunk –sbisa cookie

so long as there is a head a student organization is free to structure itself however it sees fit few realize just how much freedom texas a&ms department of student activities actually allows better than his grace jeffrey of the house bartison king of the pledges and the frat stars lord of the seven paddles and protector of the bids inspired by the premiere of the fourth season of game of thrones bartison has modeled a new fraternity with an internal structure based off that of a monarchy in a move that is shockingly completely within the guidelines laid out by the department of student activities bartison has officially declared himself king of the frat not only can anybody start their own fraternity but they dont even have to follow a presidential system said bartison bro democracy is so overrated when asked what his rule may look like bartison said i take inspiration from a lot of characters khal brogo and jon bro are true frat daddys but in the end i love stannis the mannis the stags got swag the largest hurdle bartison is facing is the issue of succession he must either provide an heir or risk being overthrown by a directionless kingdom current candidates for usurpation are the stannimal a local frat star and kelly c an exchange student from the east despite these challenges bartison has already begun creating a whole new westerosi brocabulary that only brothers will be privy to leaked words currently include the renaming of hart hall to harrenhal bolton hall to the dreadfort and hodart hall to of course hodor hall ser jamie lancaster a member of the beersguard explained that part of initiation into the fraternity will include taking pledges on their first excursion to northgate or north of the wall to throw some wildling parties not many venture far enough north to get past the wall on a normal day but even these days the nights watch manages to keep three castles manned: the hullaballoo tower castle block-er and zachry-by-the-sea when asked what he meant by the nights watch lancaster merely chuckled and said crows before hoes -honey bear follow @bigoldhoneybear

after the recent arrest of ricky seals-jones for what the cspd are calling disorderly conduct (language) it seemed only appropriate that sumlins message to the team be short sweet and lacking expletives he simply lowered his sunglasses and told the players in a steady voice that when they are around the police they need to shut the hell up seals-jones intends to fight the charges according to his lawyer but that would be just another item in the long list of things he has tried to fight according to recent reports seals-jones was bumped by another individual on northgate early sunday morning the arresting officer said [seals-jones] broke away from his friends [and] yelled ‘f*** you! you want some then threw his hands downward to his sides with his palms facing the other person in a common gesture when one is trying to initiate a fight we believe its a territorial display to make oneself look bigger a technique commonly used when the males are trying to pick a fight its rather unfortunate that the one player who most needed to hear the message from sumlin was notably absent seals-jones was not the first to be arrested for being too loud sophomore darian claiborne was arrested in late february for a noise violation texas a&m is trying to build their brand in the sec said jason cook senior associate athletics director for external affairs we are in a division with lsu and bama i havent checked the baton rouge police blotter this morning but last i checked we are still holding our own in this power conference it is clear that sumlin does not intend to stop his players from being arrested the seals-jones arrest is the fourth of an offseason filled with legal issues at this rate if you put all our arrested players in jail you could film a longest yard sequel sumlin stressed that what matters to him is the reason why one is arrested johnny punched a homeless man and kenny hill got plastered and fell asleep in a planter on northgate said sumlin for our players to be arrested for using inappropriate language is fing ridiculous -cactus jack

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every so often someone besides jeff pickering sends us mail most of it is coupons and various other kinds of junk mail but sometimes we find a pearl hidden in the warzone that is hqs mailbox mugdown reads fan mail is a new segment where we post some of our favorite letters and emails we receive some are kind others not as much but they all have one thing in common these people practically worship us opinion: home schooled students unite against mugdown it has come to my attention that the mugdown has created what they are calling harry potter week on their site as one of the many students who were homeschooled their entire life we refuse to participate in such debauchery it is clear that the mugdown has no respect for jesus nor any appreciation of good books like the bible for instance for that newspaper to actively promote witchcraft and the occult while spitting in the face of the scriptures is unwise let them enjoy their little blog but i hope they know the wrath of god is coming to them unless they repent i refuse to read the articles of such an immoral website and i urge any fundamentalist home-schooled christians to do the same in short read the mugdown go to hell -carter c cook

late one night we snuck into the forbidden section of the cushing memorial library in there we found a staggering amount of scandalous items preserved neatly were about 30 kkk robes the constitution of the true texans/ the stikas and the recipe to sbisas cookies but there was one thing we saw that we could not leave behind buried beneath a dusty pile of counterfeit aggie rings was an ancient looking piece of parchment paper it read mssrs sully pinky rudder & crow are proud to present the marooners map intrigued we held it up to the light only for it to reveal the lines: mr sully presents his compliments to the mugdown and begs them to keep their abnormally dull humor out of other aggies business mr crow agrees with mr sully and would like to add that the mugdown is a bunch of ugly two-percenters mr rudder would like to register his astonishment that a group of idiots like that ever became journalists mr pinky bids the mugdown good day and advises them to wash their hair the t-sips after a full 23 pages worth of similar insults one author spoke up: i solemnly swear that i am up to no good bull and with that the page wrote out all its secrets of the texas a&m campus click to view full image zoom to reveal secrets -honey bear follow @bigoldhoneybear this post is the fifth in a series this week the mugdown is celebrating harry potter week in support of the undefeated texas a&m quidditch team as they prepare for the quidditch world cup this upcoming weekend

everyone can remember spending full days of childhood dreaming about what life would be like as their favorite celebrity we have all imagined life as brittney michael jordan or some other moderately successful and probably physically attractive human being but what would you give up for this chance for stephan goldingbloom the answer is mostly measured in time goldingbloom freshman biochemical engineering major has logged thousands of hours of his free time working on a project he says is life changing goldingbloom has spent much of his year working on perfecting a polyjuice potion which he plans to use to experience a day in the life of johnny football i know we are all johnny football fans here but i think i win do you know anyone else who has spent full nights picking fluxweed under a full moon what about catching lacewings and grinding them into powder thats what i thought goldingbloom said goldingbloom who says he has always considered himself slightly above sports because he had such a strong brain began work on his project shortly after the infamous game in tuscaloosa i just loved watching johnny play and decided to use my more than capable mind to figure out what his life is like goldingbloom said when asked how he retrieved the hair necessary to complete the manziel polyjuice potion goldingbloom looked up and gave a smile youd be surprised what a fish will do for $5 at this time goldingbloom was not yet a student but he was not at all worried about getting into his university of choice id been raised to believe that texas a&m is the best school in the country and i refuse to question that statement this university combines intelligence friendliness and pure attractiveness in the same way i will once i become johnny football i mean just for the one day thats all i would definitely never even think to take this too far like i really do like living as me too i promise i would never want a permanent change or anything goldingbloom said goldingbloom says he is most looking forward to the attention he will get from girls around campus voluntarily adding that he does not think that he has spoken to a female human being since he began his quest to be like johnny no wait! the person who checks my student id at school! shes a woman! goldingbloom said -revelicious this article is the fourth in a series this week the mugdown is celebrating harry potter week in support of the undefeated texas a&m quidditch team as they prepare for the quidditch world cup this upcoming weekend other harry potter week posts: the marooners map student wildly misunderstood about owls on-campus dorms to be sorted into houses the sorting of johnny manziel

professor dolores umbridge once said about owls study hard and you will be rewarded fail to do so and the consequences may be severe dismayed to find out she had failed another owl assignment freshman biology major paige mosley has decided she needs to find a new way to study more specifically she needs to find the right subject matter to study as her most recent assignment contained no questions about potions nor anything else from the wizarding world of harry potter i had memorized the entire polyjuice potion recipe word for word and the only thing even remotely related was a question about polypeptides said mosley with a clearly contrived british accent we dont even cover polypeptides until we are second years owls at texas a&m are online web learning assignments for chemistry that engage students assess performance and improve learning outcomes these are easily confused by naïve (and nerdy) freshmen with the owls of the harry potter world according to the harry potter wiki an ordinary wizarding level (often abbreviated owl) is a subject-specific test taken during hogwarts school of witchcraft and wizardry students fifth year… [to determine] whether or not he or she will be allowed to continue taking that subject in subsequent school years mosley explained her confusion to her instructor after class was over the following day she was comforted to know that she was not the only one confused by what her professor dr williamson called a recent trend every year wide eyed kids come into my class fresh outta high school and bomb that first owl assignment said williamson ive seen them interpret questions to be about charms herbology and of course potions one student kept trying to tie questions back to care of magical creatures that was a hard conversation said student has since transferred to the liberal arts department and joined the creative writing program i think ill be more prepared for the next owl assignment said mosley if i get in a bind im pretty sure my friend has a time turner so im not super worried -cactus jack editors note: dont ask mosley about the aggie quidditch team shes having a hard time coming to grips with that as well this article is the third in a series this week the mugdown is celebrating harry potter week in support of the undefeated texas a&m quidditch team as they prepare for the quidditch world cup this upcoming weekend other harry potter week posts: the marooners map student fulfills quest to become johnny football for a day on-campus dorms to be sorted into houses the sorting of johnny manziel

in an attempt to solve the growing issue of on-campus student housing texas a&m interim president mark hussey has decided to take a page out of a long-beloved book upon a students acceptance into the university they will no longer be asked in which dorm they prefer to live instead the student will be assigned a dorm in the summer during their new student conference dorms will be assigned during a special ceremony on the first night of each new student conference all the future aggies will be placed in rudder auditorium and called up one by one to be sorted this will hopefully alleviate the chaotic scrambles students encounter when trying to find a place to live hussey said it worked out well for harry potter why could it not work for us hussey has even gone so far as to say that the different regions of campus will be named after the four houses of hogwarts the dorms on the southside of campus will be known as gryffindor the honors dorms will be dubbed ravenclaw northside dorms that are not honors are slytherin and the dorms on the quad are hufflepuff the board of regents has affirmed these new names and is working with scholastic publishing to figure out copyright laws student opinions are mixed on the new changes however what if i get sorted into hufflepuff but dont want to be in the corps arent all of those dorms like for the cadets and stuff im not a boot chaser! maddie limes class of 2018 tweeted general joe ramirez commandant for the corps of cadets had an answer the quad is the safest place on campus and the corps is always looking for new members he said we welcome the change if it means we get to bring more yellow-emblazoned khaki to campus not all students are upset by the changes fhk has already begun to change their dorm color schemes to incorporate more green and the commons has brought some gold to those maroon-ish sofas in the lobby this is great! clark williamson said donning a royal blue hat i live in mcfadden and have always claimed that we were the ravenclaws of campus now everyone has to acknowledge that as truth! -lone star lady this article is the second in a series this week the mugdown is celebrating harry potter week in support of the undefeated texas a&m quidditch team as they prepare for the quidditch world cup this upcoming weekend other harry potter week posts: the marooners map student fulfills quest to become johnny football for a day student wildly misunderstood about owls the sorting of johnny manziel

follow @bigoldhoneybear this post is the first in a series this week the mugdown is celebrating harry potter week in support of the undefeated texas a&m quidditch team as they prepare for the quidditch world cup this upcoming weekend other harry potter week articles: the marooners map student fulfills quest to become johnny football for a day student wildly misunderstood about owls on-campus dorms to be sorted into houses

bottles may be up but drinking and driving is down carpool a student organization of designated drivers has found a successful new way to convince weekend drinkers to hand over the keys: a freaking cash cab cash cab is a game show held within a taxi where passengers are asked trivia questions in exchange for prizes and a free ride however after three wrong answers the contestants are kicked out this monumental change has been swept in with carpools newly appointed staff for the upcoming year the game show ended a few years ago so we were able to purchase one of their old cabs for cheap said grace cuda carpools director of finance the show may have fizzled out but its popularity sure hasnt while carpools patrons rarely were willing to wait more than an hour (which has been a problem because the average wait time to be picked up is typically low-balled at 5 hours) many late night drinkers have claimed in their inebriated states that they would be willing to wait until the sun comes up if it meant i have a chance to ride the cash cab the director of public relations mary monday said really the best part of the whole thing is that we get to ask a bunch of drunk people trivia questions you havent laughed until youve seen a drunk man try to name as many three letter body parts as he can before the red light turns green this last statement has since been corrected by carpool chair jake ingle to say the best part is peoples faces when you kick them out for getting three questions wrong seeing as all our contestants our drunk we rarely make it far enough to turn off university drive -honey bear follow @bigoldhoneybear follow @mugdown

some maebuggh da bah da baaa ba da school they think so grand! said jeffrey phillips senior class of 2014 as he uncomfortably tugged at his ear and stared at the floor while every aggie who has been to a football game can recite the upbeat aggie war hymn phillips still struggles after four years to remember all the words to the almost as frequently sung but much less popular alma mater of texas a&m university the spirit of aggieland i mean its a nice song but its hard to make out what exactly each word is when tens of thousands of people are shouting it out at the same time said phillips and instead of spending effort on looking it up online id rather just take four years of mumbling a couple of the lines while awkwardly glancing at the people standing next to me to see if they can tell i dont know the words phillips friends were not aware of the fact that he did not know the words to the song while they were quick to judge they were also the first to admit that they were not entirely sure what it means to boost all the rest and if the yells afterwards are actually considered part of the song or if the yell leaders are just uncreative with what yells to use to follow up the alma mater phillips questioned why we even refer to ourselves as farmers in the yell he said that a farmer is one of the worlds lamest mascots and isnt that the whole reason we made up the word aggie so no one would realize our mascot is just a man with a penchant for carrots however if theres one thing that phillips is certain of its that weve got to fight even if he may not know why the hell we say texas amc -honey bear follow @bigoldhoneybear follow @mugdown

last week sarah walker sophomore communications major shocked the world when it was discovered that her profile picture on facebook had reached 13 459 likes with the number still rising walker would like to thank her family sorority flo student council committee dance arts society century singers the big event the womens club water polo team all 12 high school ex-boyfriends and the children she teaches at creekview elementary school i mean i think it was my smile that attracted so much attention even though you cant see my teeth also the way one of the trees in the background had fallen over definitely added to it walker said she credits the monumental achievement to her best friend who took the picture amanda parke instagram trees in general and her dentist parke admitted that she has never taken a photography class in her life but does not think that luck was heavily involved in the capture ive been taking pictures half of friends and half of myself for like 3 years now so i think ive gotten to be pretty good parke said i use my iphone so im like always ready yesterday walker announced intentions of sharing her likes through a new philanthropy she had started walker realized she was hoarding these likes and says she felt bad about her selfishness i mean dont get me wrong i really appreciated the way everyone cared but i felt like i should share some of that affirmation with people who are less fortunate than me walker said she says she will be utilizing the influence gained from her newfound popularity to sell groups of 100 likes for $10 and that the money will go to raising awareness for a yet undecided cause this way people feel good about themselves and are able to give to charity! walker said possible recipients of the charity include orphaned dogs and stray children she hopes to raise awareness that these creatures exist there are kids in africa who dont even know about instagram yet i think i can change that walker said none of the money raised will actually go to feeding anyone as walker said she does not know how to make that happen but she is sure that raising awareness by sharing photos on facebook will help -revelicious follow @mugdown

howdy ags we have grown a lot over the last two months we are very proud of how far we have come and now it is time for the next big step we are looking to expand our team we have had a ton of interest since we have started if you are one of those wondering how you can be a part of this now is your chance we are looking for new writers and graphic designers if you have experience with photoshop are handy with a pen or feel that you have something to contribute to the mugdown we would like to invite you to fill out this application and e-mail it to [email protected] we will be accepting applications for an entire week starting today 3/24/2014 at 8:00 am until 3/31/2014 at 11:59 pm if you have any questions dont hesitate to reach out to us by e-mail mugdown application ps remember our members are anonymous so it is a requirement that you dont let others know you are applying update: applications are currently closed for the mugdown we appreciate the many fantastic applications we received if youre still looking to join the mugdown we will be expanding again at the beginning of the fall semester for updates on what were up to and to see when we begin accepting applications again follow us on twitter and like us on facebook! also check out our new writers from the last round of applications: riffety raff beutel call samurai sully commons lobbyist lonely lighter follow @mugdown

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college station tx during the farewell ceremony for johnny manziel shultz staffel 39 expressed to the audience his joy over how far texas a&m university has come over the decades amid the merriment and autograph signing those in attendance also caught parts of staffels impassioned speech it brings tears to my eyes and warmth to my heart to say before you today that though this young man is departing he has left us a legacy that legacy my comrades starts with a&m being home to two white heisman winners staffel was referring respectively to the 1957 and 2012 heisman trophy winners john david crowe and johnny manziel he continued his speech with a jab at a&ms former rival two white heisman winners! that is more than tu [ut] can claim! said staffel no one in the audience had the heart to tell him about the ending of the historic rivalry two years ago im proud to see that over the years a&m hasnt lost sight of its proud origin many of us ol ags remember our glory days when texas amc upheld the tradition of white males only said staffel back when the corps had real rifles and the only girls on campus were shipped in from baylor on gameday staffel closed his speech saying we have kept our [tradition pure and undefiled from outside forces] our values of honor excellence and selfless service have been upheld by having two white heisman winners he continued the odds may be stacked against us but we here at a&m can maintain purity! the blitzkrieg is now! a&m has started its third rise into a dynasty that will last 1000 years! staffels speech drowned out in a chorus of whoops and chants of s-e-c! as uniformed members of the corps marched waving torches at press time herr staffel could be heard yelling vee are ze aggies ze aggies are vee![sic] -bellamy partridge follow @mugdown

there is a college stigma that can neer be told and it is the stigma of the infamous and elusive mrs degree many young women invade aggieland every year in search of the perfect man and most agree that a uniform is one of the most attractive qualities a man can possess the phrase boot chaser is tossed around in college station and it is often applied to any girl who finds any member of the corps attractive and worthy of her attention but as the years go by the senior scramble hits and with senior year comes the all too identifiable senior boots sported by the members of the corps some of these ladies have taken this need to get their ring by spring from a member of the corps of cadets and are now chasing senior boys around campus in an attempt to woo them its terrifying joshua redman senior architecture major and corps member admitted i never know when one [crazed young woman] is going to start running after me adopting the flock method that women have mastered for centuries senior corps members have taken to traveling in packs so as to better protect each other we have a few code words if we spot a girl running at us greyson barter said a mechanical engineering major and senior cadet one word directs us to split up into more of a guerrilla style to hopefully confuse her another signals us to link up and move out all of us are stronger than one of us barter declined to share what those words were one other cadet shared his traumatic story but wished to remain nameless he said that he was walking from his math class in blocker when a woman chased him all the way to evans library before tackling him she kept holding out her left hand wiggling her ring finger and pleading with me to take her to yell he said but i couldnt do that first because its spring semester so we dont have yell practice and second because she just assaulted me campus police are on watch for any senior corps cadet sprinting across campus in his boots any alleged boot chasers are asked to cease and desist or face consequences of public assault charges -lone star lady follow @mugdown

with the sec tournament under wraps the texas a&m mens basketball team has to be feeling pretty good about their season the aggies finished the year with a four game moral victory streak despite only winning one of those games critics may point out the fact that a moral victory does not actually count as a win in the record book however for an aggie team rocked by player dismissals and general mediocrity even the moral victories count when the most exciting thing that has happened this season is an awkward looking white guy dunking and making it on sportscenter these little wins make a difference the aggies beat the ole miss rebels 71-60 to start their streak their following two games were equally as impressive losing by only a combined six points say what you will about the games but dont call them losses when asked about the games against missouri and auburn coach billy kennedy said six points really it honestly felt like we were losing by way more than that there at the end of those games man … six points those boys should be proud a&m played missouri again in the second round of the sec tournament on thursday march 13th the aggies gave it their best shot but came up short in double overtime 91-83 however as any college basketball fan can tell you: losing in overtime is basically the same thing as tying during regulation its basically a win if you think about it right the awkward looking white guy alex caruso was shocked when kennedy told the team about their end of season accomplishment i was honestly a little disappointed with the way the season ended but when coach told me about our moral victory streak i realized we actually had a ton of momentum going into our cbi game caruso said it was announced this week that indiana university turned down a chance to play in the cbi tournament however the aggies are not above that just think about it winning the cbi means we can add another championship to reed arena once we renovate it kennedy said we did the same thing for kyle field all that counts is that we are the champions of something win or lose the aggies are bound to have fun and put on quite the show for their fan -cactus jack

to read part 1 of this article click here

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there has been more than a little controversy surrounding the renovation of texas a&m universitys kyle fieldtm perhaps chief among these is the announcement that 12 seats would be left empty to honor fallen aggiestm and the twelfth mantm the scandal stems from public backlash in the belief that the 12 empty seats are a publicity stunt or a shallow attempt to promote the a&mtm brand and not to actually commemorate fallen aggiestm some aggies have stated that 12 filled seats would better represent the spirit of the twelfth mantm than 12 empty seats chancellor john sharp recently issued a response to any upset aggies this is to honor and remember all aggies who have passed! when each game is televised i guarantee they will feature [these] seats it will further solidify our ownership of the 12th man [and] it would be a big mistake not to do this said sharp dont quote me on that by the way its illegal to write the words twelfth man without paying royalties the statement did little to relieve the aggies following the news of the kyle field renovate-athontm sharp has since retracted his previous statements apparently the twelfth man is not as loyal as i thought this may sound like appeasement but i assure you that it only sounds that way because it is i will meet you halfway we will only leave the seats half empty the implications of the report are not entirely understood at this moment but since the announcement a few idealists have argued that this means that the seats will likely be half full however critics of sharps handling of the empty seats have insisted they will remain just that: half empty these pessimists have chosen to optimistically refer to themselves as realists the current debate is over sharps vague use of the word half aggies are presently speculating whether this means that only 6 of the seats will be filled with people or if all 12 seats will be filled but only halfway this breaks down even further as supporters of the 12 seats half-filled theory argue over the many possible interpretations for how a seat could be filled with only half a person: children little people double amputees or charlie strong -honey bear follow @bigoldhoneybear

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noel ellis is about to become a huge asset for a major accounting firm after years of dedication and hard work ms ellis has passed the cpa exam and will now become a professional account fulfilling a dream she has had since childhood most people hate accounting some tolerate it noel loves it said sarah paige johnson her lifelong friend we are just different you know that sentiment was shared by most people who knew noel growing up most claim that while she was a complete joy to be around she always seemed a little aloof like any 13 year old girl i would always tell noel about which boys i had a crush on she wouldnt shut up about someone named sarbanes oxley he wasnt even that cute said johnson noels mother melanie ellis was equally confused by her daughters strange obsession with financial accounting particularly because no one in the family had ever been an accountant or even in business for that matter her first word was asset! it wasnt mama or daddy of course not! said mrs ellis a lot of kids talk about dinosaurs mine asked about our roth ira noel began balancing the family books around age 15 the summer after her freshman year she tried to turn in her parents for tax evasion claiming there was an intentional error in the way her deductions were calculated when i told her to follow her dreams i really thought she was going to want to be a princess or a teacher maybe even a dancer not my noel said mrs ellis she did go through a brief government regulation phase but she grew out of that most students who choose to pursue accounting do so because it is a lucrative career or they are good with numbers seldom do people have a passion for accounting its great to see someone so genuinely excited to dedicate their life to dealing with taxes and monotony said steve harper corporate slave noel ellis will begin work in the tax division of kpmg in the fall -cactus jack

as spring break rapidly approaches many students have taken time off their busy schedules to cut back and hang loose one hilarious student has taken it a step further chad hayes a ‘super senior on his ‘second victory lap spent $40 on a surprisingly detailed plastic replica of a pair of testicles for his pick-up truck i take a lot of pride in my truck its a sign of what a man i am thats why ive decided to give it the most emasculating thing possible a clean-shaven and disproportionately small scrotum said hayes his test-acular undercarriage can be seen bouncing along northgate multiple times a week oftentimes my truck and my balls are my only proof to people of how not gay i am said hayes i almost spend more time telling people about all the tough things i do than actually doing them i played junior varsity football in highschool i own 6 pocket knives and i go hunting all the time thats why im always wearing camo want to see pictures of the deer i shot two years ago it was immediately evident that hayes humor went beyond just his taste in car decor a classmate of hayes said if he can call enough attention to himself to make a joke he will regardless of the situation hes got these two awesome jokes he uses for everything: either he compares it to a time he banged a hot chick à la a ‘thats what she said joke or he calls it gay man never gets old hayes friends have described him as the kind of guy who starts acting drunk after half a beer takes axe commercials at face value and always has the same expired condom in his back pocket even if hes just going to class on monday morning hayes promises to prominently display his trademark humor charming personality and tiny balls around college station until he graduates i really want to further establish my masculinity so im going to slap balls on my rear bumper all the time thats what she said* honey bear *our sources have yet to confirm if that is indeed what she said follow @bigoldhoneybear

a revolutionary health trend involving the exclusion of gluten from the diet has lately gained prominence in the realm of dieting primarily as a method of weight loss ever health conscious and trendy many students at texas a&m have decided to restrict their diets to the consumption of only gluten-free foods these students choose not to eat or drink anything containing gluten including bread cookies and beer somehow surviving by eating only meat fruit and vegetables brian smith junior rpts major determined that he was gluten intolerant 2 months ago after a grueling self-examination smith believes that the gluten free lifestyle is a serious choice and not one to be taken lightly its definitely a lifestyle choice that takes a lot of commitment and humility you really need to be able to deny yourself but at the same time you need to be careful to let other people know that you dont think youre better than them for deciding to abstain even if you are said smith smith said he enjoyed learning his limits and discovering the cardboard-like taste of many gluten-free bread products its all part of the sacrifice you really need to be able to find a reason to keep going or you can easily slip back into the dangerous zone of eating things that taste good said smith however smiths resolution was short lived when he realized he chose to go gluten free a mere 8 weeks before his 21st smith grudgingly rescinded his new lifestyle choice when he realized he would not be able to drink beer on his birthday i struggled with the idea for entire days it just felt like i would be giving up such an important part of my life smith said giving up his newly beloved gluten free diet was hard for smith as he truly felt this was something to which he was deeply committed and he had expected to righteously forego the taste of bread for the rest of his life but given the choice between potential weight loss and a night of shotgunning natty light smith decided it was in his best interests to override his self-prescribed dietary restrictions its just not the right time for this smith said adding that he would consider re-converting at a later date smith does not blame peer pressure as drinking beer and possessing a gluten allergy seem to be almost equally popular activities these days he simply laments that he was caught between such a rock and hard place in having to decide between the two some students are in fact gluten intolerant their bodies cannot process the gluten contained in many foods and so they do not have a choice in the matter kristen mcneal a sophomore biomedical engineer is one such student last year mcneal was diagnosed by a doctor with celiacs disease an autoimmune disorder caused by a reaction to gluten mcneal experiences physical pain when she eats gluten and expressed confusion as to why anyone would choose to impose such a limitation upon themselves i just really dont get why someone would choose to be gluten free if they dont have to be do they just hate normal tasting food i think i actually gained weight when i stopped eating gluten products mcneal said smith says he did not lose any weight during his gluten-free period he has however reported significant weight gain since his 21st birthday – revelicious

to read part 1 of this article click here although satirical in nature all facts names and organizations used in this story are entirely true this story aims to expose a well-established political machine that has been selecting the student body president for years public information used in this exposé was found via aggienetwork facebook the battalion and organizational websites this letter was delivered late last night march 2nd to mugdown hq addressed from former student body president jeff pickering unlike his previous letters we were expecting this one however that does not mean we were ready for it the following are the unaltered contents of his letter: darkness shadows the tools of cowards my tools the tools of a man beaten but not defeated a man who has been forced by the hand dealt to him by fate to sling mud from the most shaded corners of the globe but i must do what i can to bring forth the light with this letter i will drag the three prime movers of the texas a&m government with me into the dazzling glare of the public eye as i stated in my previous letter the machine runs candidates that are chosen from three primary factions of the campus – the fish aides the aggie mens club and the maroon coats these three organizations are very nearly a necessity for the candidate himself – or his staff – for that campaign to win the first tier: the fish aides for those unaware fish aides is a freshman leadership organization the most popular unpopular one at that it operates under a staff of former freshmen – or sophomores if you will – providing unique leadership opportunities to first-year students through a seemingly standard application and interview process a group of 40 freshmen are selected each september but what separates fish aides from the rest of the flos is the pressure of involvement that fish aides demands after its members graduate from the flo fish aides selects only four freshmen to return as staff for the following year while the remaining freshmen return as sophomore mentors to the new class of freshmen fish aides these parents continue the traditions of building a highly connected network that encompasses all sga committees like a black widow spider their web of connections grows and grows while the fish aides wait in the center of all activity plucking the strings to watch the world dance in fear during a freshmans tenure in fish aides each fish serves as an ‘aide to a committee in student government this means there is a fish aide that assists with muster the big event cosga traditions council student senate election commission executive vice president and many other committees this along with the constant contact from former fish aides make for an extremely well-connected group of individuals comprising the foundation of the machine these freshmen know you do not just become the machines candidate you have to work from the bottom up scavenging what connections and information they can if there is one thing those freshmen know it is that information is power – and the amount of information these freshmen possess is prodigious and no one man should have all that power the second tier – the aggie mens club (amc) amc is a non-greek fraternal organization that focuses on developing members physically emotionally and spiritually all while serving texas a&m amc is known for selecting high-caliber individuals who later serve in leadership roles around all of campus; one look at our sbp resume list and that is obvious sometimes they just cut out the middle man and select people who are already prominent leaders on campus by observing past sbp campaign teams i found that if that particular candidate was not a member of amc many of his staff and support was hell well probably see a female sbp before a winning campaign with no amc connection heres looking at you hilary albrecht this group popped up more times in my research than any other organization it seems that the in committee changed every few years – about ten years ago it was cosga now one could argue it is the big event however like our universitys storied traditions some things dont change and amc remains the cornerstone of successful sbp campaigns the third tier – the maroon coats maroon coats is the ultimate end goal of many involved student leaders at texas a&m maroon coats is a highly-prestigious organization who serve as ambassadors of texas a&m to former donors and distinguished alumni through the a&m foundation technically speaking maroon coats is not even a legitimate student organization they are not recognized by a&m nor do they want to be by being an unofficial student organization maroon coats has a freedom most organizations do not – selecting members as they see fit by nature of the organization maroon coats only selects highly-involved students at a&m i considered applying for it but after running an sbp campaign i had grown weary of popularity contests and petty politics with the liberty to choose who they want to join the selection process quickly devolves into a popularity contest i had seen too many good men put on that maroon coat of entitlement and wanted nothing to do with it thats not to say maroon coats isnt a fine organization the texas a&m foundation does great things for this university and maroon coats are an important reason we have such a strong donor base its like i always say though with a great coat come great responsibility the machine is built upon these three tiers and has been since its inception my advice: if you want to become student body president consider joining one or more of these groups however if you value your freedom – think twice my friends -jeff pickering ‘12 dont be deceived though the machine does not end here it is a combination of reputation prestige and connectedness that makes this group so effective this is a three-part exposé in part three i will ask the hard question: what does this mean for a&m to read part 1 of this article click here

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austin tx – the former governor of texas and president of texas amc faces arson charges after police say he set a small shed on fire in austin late last evening lawrence sullivan ross is charged with first and second-degree arson malicious burning and reckless endangerment according to travis county district court records austin police went to the scene which had unfolded near the university of texas campus after a suspicious fire was reported around two in the morning neighbors told police that late that night while the t-sips were in bed ol sul ross put a lantern in the shed the aggie appeared to have knocked it over though it is not clear whether this was intentional the shed was quickly engulfed in a burnt orange inferno itll be a hot time in austin tonight! said ross he proceeded to country western dance for the next ten minutes onlookers described the scene as a bit strange and red ass though most agreed that the whole situation was unbefitting of a man as respected as ross who had served in nearly every major position in the state however to aggies ross will always be remembered not for engulfing austin in flames but for the ways he selflessly served texas amc even if he does face life in prison -cactus jack

although satirical in nature all facts names and organizations used in this story are entirely true public information used in this exposé was found via aggienetwork facebook the battalion and organizational websites from the outside looking in you cant understand it and from the inside looking out you cant explain it this letter was delivered late last night february 25th to mugdown hq addressed from former student body president jeff pickering after our last letter from him we were surprised a second was able to find its way to our doorstep we were also a bit confused because we thought he was dead… but it seems that when things get tough pickering gets tougher the following are the unaltered contents of his letter: i am referring not to the spirit of aggieland but rather the political machine that has been meticulously constructed over the last ten years with the election season concluding in unspectacular form i decided to dig deeper and i struck gold fools gold the shiny chunk of iron sulfide put on display for our noble school to gawk at i examined the inner-workings of aggie student politics to determine why the most recent candidates have been able to win elections so handily it was sickening to watch kyle kellys campaign video featuring an endorsement from reid joseph it was masterfully formulaic i could not help but recall josephs own video last year with endorsements from three student body presidents: john claybrook mark gold and worst of all myself these endorsements are instrumental in swaying undecided voters the question then you should be asking is not why these establishment candidates keep winning no it goes deeper than that the question is why have the past student body presidents continued to be involved in aggie politics long after their term i went to the aggie student government association and began to research the past ten student body presidents to find out what i thought were just coincidences began to come up again and again as far back as 2005 current student body presidents and other campus leaders were endorsing and essentially choosing the man who would will fill their shoes another president another continuation of the trend what i found myself tied up in was a fully-functioning political establishment known simply as ‘the machine this clanking monstrosity of an organization commands enough votes to control a city a state – or in this case – a school many universities around the nation have established well-known machines and texas a&m has the lowest of them all my goal is not to criticize the men and women involved many of the poor devils are not even aware of the machines existence no my goal is merely to bring the machine sputtering into the light the men behind the machine can consistently be pinned to three primary campus organizations: aggie mens club maroon coats and the worst fish aides these three organizations are well known and even respected on campus producing many of the most recognized members of the aggie community below is the list of the past ten student body presidents including the new president-elect kyle kelly you will find the organizations mentioned above as well as any relevant executive positions kyle kelly ‘14 maroon coats exec vp reids campaign manager bca ross volunteers reid joseph ‘14 amc maroon coats fish aides abbott john claybrook ‘13 amc maroon coats fish aides jeff pickering ‘12 amc glc jacob robinson ‘11 maroon coats fish aides eric beckham ‘10 amc fish aides exec vice president big event mark gold ‘09 maroon coats fish aides big event conner prochaska ‘08 amc ross volunteers pmc e-2 nic taunton ‘07 amc sga development vp freshman sga programs jim carlson ‘06 amc cosga parents weekend of the last 10 presidents there have been four in fish aides five in maroon coats and seven in amc i decided i wanted a challenge by only joining one of the three although not listed above most of these candidates were also active managers or volunteers with the winning student body president campaign below them starting to notice the trend in my research i found an opinion piece by jason deuterman published to the battalion in 2007 that puts it beautifully the influence amc exerts on the student population is important to any candidate the organization endorses but influence always comes second to an organization that can provide manpower deuterman said the candidate who wields the power of the fish aides is the true front runner it has reached a point where one simply has to look at the candidates resume to know who will win the election sorry kasey and gus sorry garrett nerren sorry thomas mcnutt its nothing personal – its just politics many upperclassmen have become jaded by this but the freshmen are still naive bless their poor ignorant souls they dont know the system yet and so many of the campaign promises would directly impact their lives they each have a personal stake in the candidates this is where the machine draws its power it is filled with influential connected leaders and supported by an organization of stupid freshmen – freshmen who are more than willing to hold banners for an entire week if it means that in two years it will be their name on that banner after all it worked for me -jeff pickering ‘12 dont be deceived though the machine is not supported solely by manpower it is a combination of reputation prestige and connectedness that makes this group so effective this is a three-part exposé in part two i will attack what each of the organizations supporting the machine contributes and what makes their campaigns so effective to read the second part of this article click here

washington dc in a groundbreaking discovery made at the geological society of americas 14th national conference geologists from texas a&m university have confirmed that ol rock (the good ag) is 454 billion years old1 after comparing notes with other eminent geologists around the nation and piecing together irrefutable carbon dating evidence2 we can now say that ol rock is in fact 454 billion years old said bill myers3 writer of mcgee and me we havent decided yet if he has a summer birthday though im really hoping for june this revelation came hours before the texas school board4 officially announced that ol rock is 6000 years old5 when asked to support their position the chairman of the board sam harris6 7 said we talked to his father8 and that was the age he told us well sort of he mentioned some family history9 and 6000 is the age we reckoned from that as of press time the gsa and the texas school board reached an agreement that ol rock was most definitely between 6000 and 454 billion years old beyond a shadow of a doubt10 -bellamy partridge editors notes: 1 age of the earth consistent with our totally-concrete-and-never-going-to-need-to-be-updated evolutionary theory 2 carbon dating is ineffective past 45 000 years who dates someone that old anyway also carbon dating is like totally the most effective type of radiometric dating for determining the age of rocks 3 prolific christian writer of fun childrens books 4 currently attempting to enforce creationism in texas public schools 5 age of the earth according to 17th-century bishop james ussher who is still quoted today because he most definitely used super up to date scientific chronological and historical methods to date the age of the earth 6 one of the four horsemen of new atheism often referred to as pasty pale rider and that guy who looks like ben stiller right 7 not to be confused with pop singer of the same name and writer of 2010 gay anthem my reclamation 8 we are still uncertain if the father ever indeed consulted the texas school board 9 because genealogy charts never skip generations 10 because science!

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6:00 pm february 21 2014 thats right you heard it here first out of what has been an incredibly heated election season a winner has been announced we beat the batt to the punch on this one hell we even beat the election commissioner on this one kasey kram class of 2015 has been declared the new student body president for the 2014-2015 school year although he was favored in the polls the news will likely come as a shock to the many students across campus who didnt realize there were people who were still taking this years election seriously in fact a few fake candidates were written in enough times to be serious contenders looking at you johnny gustafson and bailey burrus it is the closest vote we have had in years said allison krenzien election commissioner for the student government association but we have had the votes recounted 15 times and can say with semi-certainty that kasey kram won the election in the midst of their victory celebration kram said im still trying to take it all in i am not trying to be humble but i dont believe it myself well maybe i do but johnny gustafson made me really nervous kram will be taking office this year following the resignation of current student body president reid joseph kram pledges to hold to his campaign promise of focusing on the big picture making sure a&m grows and flourishes over the next five years primarily his term will place an emphasis on making west campus a place people besides business majors care about and ensuring meal plans do not remain the universitys not-so-secret way of lining their pockets best of luck with those campus holds its breath to see the results of krams term only time will tell if he succeeds in his mission statement or if he gets filed for impeachment

there are many different candidates for sbp this election season if youre like us youre probably still trying to figure out who to vote for because lets face it we know nothing about these candidates so we did our research and have made a simple and easy to read guide on everything you should know about each candidate to make an informed decision this year read our guide and then let us know who you are voting for! now that were filled in lets go gig the vote! votetamuedu [polldaddy poll=7816233] well release the results of our poll tomorrow!

yesterday a small branch of campus died the phrase c ♥ l was found carved into the beloved century tree many believed it to be the work of a red-ass couple etching their name into the history of a&m however we have uncovered the seedy truth our team of journalists worked tirelessly to reach out to those familiar with the century tree this included the grounds staff the two corps proposals that occurred last night and more importantly two eyewitnesses they found the root of the problem and it shocked our staff and will rock this campus around 8:15pm local time charlie strong head coach of the texas longhorns football team was reportedly seen leaving the century tree knife in hand we have interpreted the carvings to mean charlie loves longhorns this crude fourth grade showing of affection stems from a lack of respect and is an affront to our university and our traditions sources say strong was beginning to engrave screw the gadget program and #nosir deep into the trees bark but was thwarted by several students the university speaks for itself said strong earlier this month we dont need gadgets were not going to be a gadget program it appears that texas university needed a little help speaking for themselves last night university police are investigating the atrocity and one wood reasonably expect campus officials particularly kevin sumlin to issue a response in the coming days if you witness any suspicious behavior involving single individuals around the tree please call 9-911 immediately

from washingtons powdered wig to obamas buzz cut everyone knows that presidents have always been defined by their hair a well groomed head is a recipe for political success just ask john edwards the former senator from north carolina who regularly spent 400 dollars on every haircut the same principle applies to student body presidents men like john claybrook and jeff pickering are defined not by the style of their actions but by the style of their hair here at the mugdown we have created a guide that breaks down past and present sbp candidates by their two most prominent qualities: how presidential and how seductive their hair is -cactus jack and honey bear

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campus has been hit by a new marketing strategy from gus blessings student body president campaign the believe in blessing team has decided to capitalize on flu season by shouting ‘gus bless you whenever somebody sneezes half of campus has the sniffles and the other half has allergies the opportunity was too good to miss said shelby taylor public relations executive for the blessing campaign during this overwhelming campaign season many students are bogged down with meetings banners and organizational speaking thus casual conversation has become a more prominent campaigning grounds for candidates because your friends helping out with campaigns werent obnoxious enough already its perfect because i can both be polite in conversation after somebody sneezes and also plug the best sbp candidate it really gets the word out and nobody finds it irritating in the slightest said gus blessing with a wink i may not know a lot of football players or aggie athletes said blessing but i do know that everybody sneezes while the gus bless you campaign tactic has already begun to ingrain itself into campus many are not aware of a fact that the blessing campaign team has tried to keep underwrap blessing supporters have started internally calling themselves beliebers it is a way for those of us who believe in blessing to unite together under a common name and it is definitely not a pr coverup for gus blessings unadulterated love for justin bieber said taylor blessing said i dont care if youre fat or skinny white or black christian or atheist (this continued for about five minutes) gay or normal even if youre a two percenter blessing said everyone can be a belieber gus bless you gus bless each and everyone of you -sbisa cookie

those running with richmond will be pleased to know that amid rampant controversy mr howard has produced his birth certificate it is confirmed that his date of birth is april 6th of 1993 not 1978 as many had speculated richmond howard is known for many things he is the former president of pike he had a successful stint as a mays business school senator however what he may be most famous for is his receding hairline you have no idea what the stress coming from this election season has done to me said richmonds hairline youd be receding too if you had it this rough sga regulations state that only students can run for student body president that is why the news of mr howards birth certificate comes at such a crucial time i would hate for richmond to be disqualified just because he looks like he should be dropping his kids off at carpool said alan clayton howards campaign manager richmonds staff is collectively very relieved for this ordeal to be over with though they were shocked when the other sbp candidates initially brought richmonds age into question nonetheless the certificate was promptly delivered to allison krenzien election commissioner at the beginning of this week after extensive analysis it was confirmed that the certificate was genuine and not a forgery as jake walker editor-in-chief of the battalion and kyle kellys campaign team had previously contested everyone knew roy may was over 30 years old that combined with his military experience ended up working to his advantage in yell leader elections last spring said clayton we plan on adopting a similar strategy even though richmond isnt actually a grown man he just looks like one as of press time mr howards campaign team is trying to find a way to enlist him in the army before general campaigning begins on february 17th

this letter was delivered late last night february 12th to mugdown hq addressed from former student body president jeff pickering at first we did not think anything of it that is until we opened it the following are the unaltered contents of his letter: mugdown if you received this package that means that i am already dead what i am about to reveal has cost me so dearly and will undoubtedly rip the very fabric of our beloved school it all started so seemingly innocent and well-intentioned but power got the better of us like a bothrops asper it slithered into the dark recesses of our hearts poisoning all that it bit the contents of this package reveal the rampant corruption and political scandals that have festered under the nose of the a&m student body mark my words the illuminati may or may not exist but it pales in comparison to the the true power players of texas a&m the seedy underbelly crawls all the way to the top who do you think created the whole uproar about johnny manziel getting paid for his signatures who do you think would create rumors about governor rick perry becoming a&ms next president who do you think feeds the ducks at research park its all just a dirty ploy to divert our attention as the great stage magician pulls the real trick over our eyes it is what little i have left of a conscience that compels me to tell you details of the latest corruption while it would be easier to say nothing i must speak if we at texas a&m are to remain free it all started january 13th 2014 loftins last day i didnt think things would go as far as they did but like the aggies running out of the tunnel at the football games some men just love power and perhaps things wouldnt have escalated if it werent for a man named cary cheshire unlike the other vermin i dealt with he was no great illusionist he was just a man that got in the way almost everyone knew cary a handful even liked the guy most recognized him from serving as a campaign team assistant for the past two years second place sbp candidates – thomas mcnutt and garrett nerren i should have known that it was going to be cary to spoil the plans he was always looking for a fight well he got one he got one hell of a fight i was visiting the sga office for old times sake when i saw a disheveled bowen loftin leaving reids office i knew something was afoot immediately reid was sitting at his desk with his feet up and wearing a weird look on his face one that i hadnt seen before was it a smirk i couldnt tell we made small talk for a bit it didnt last long he asked me what i knew about kyle kelly i told him not much that wasnt entirely true obviously reid knew that i was a part of the student body president club and i suppose that if im already dead you should know about the club as former student body presidents we talk theres a secret handshake a trapdoor in the msc typical elitist secret society stuff reid then explained to me that kyle kelly was the new man chosen by the sbpc to take over the regime this was to be expected he was in the unique position of being able to reach the corps of cadets maroon coats fish aides and the christian bubble his only flaw was that he was a senior reid told me that he knew exactly how to make this thing work but that he had to go a bit higher up the food chain that explained loftin i had a lot of questions could he even endorse a sbp candidate as former president did he even know kyle joseph saw my confused look and stopped me he pulled out an envelope: large manila with a red string the kind used for secrets he didnt tell me what was inside but i knew every sbp knew hell every administrator at the school knew about the blackmail the board of regents had on loftin i nodded finally putting the pieces together blackmailing the former president of a university was bold and unprecedented but it wasnt surprising ive heard crazier sbp stories but those im taking to my grave joseph pulled out a laptop and played the video of the endorsement loftin had recorded just minutes ago i will admit it seemed entirely genuine you could barely tell that loftin was reading cue cards and had his ankles zip-tied to the leg of josephs desk could you hear the whimpering at the beginning he asked me i could not the smirk returned to his face and i shuddered at that moment cary cheshire turned into the sga office reid stopped and stared out the small window on his door we both heard cary outside but we didnt know what he heard or rather how much he heard one month later all was well after a discussion with the sbpc we came to the conclusion that cary was unaware i soon learned how truly wrong we were i awoke at 1:02am to my phone buzzing from the one number i fear most – the private sbpc line after the cary run-in i immediately assumed the worst and i assumed correctly i answered the phone to hear an enraged kyle kelly and a crying reid joseph on the other end after multiple attempts to calm the two down kyle kelly was finally able to force out the name i knew was coming cheshire cary cheshire he knows jeff he knows everything reid breathed heavily into the red phone the club the room the scandals the machine – jeff he knows! i wanted out but it was too late like tissue i was being sucked down with the rest of the filth you know what happened next the whole campus knows what happened next cary cheshire filed for impeachment – not exactly music to a student body presidents ears i told them to calm down that we can maneuver through this i knew that if we could handle the claybrook 2013 scandal we could handle anything i told them to trust in the system and we would begin the damage control the plan came too easily we needed to shift the blame off reid and on to somebody else someone to serve as the scapegoat richmond howard was perfect he was kyles biggest competitor and there was just something i didnt like about that receding hairline so we pulled out the biggest weapon we could bear – the blue book our best friend and our worst enemy the book is what we live by the blue book is the receipt of our politics it contains the names and positions of people we owe and more importantly the people that owe us after flipping through the book one name stood out – jake walker editor-in-chief of the battalion he owed us and he owed us big when he helped to expose the josh light scandal in 2012 he kicked a larger hornets nest than he realized he was in trouble and trouble is our business it only took six cadets and one conversation later and jake was in our back pocket that fateful spring day now was the time to cash in by 2:00am jake had a letter in his mailbox from his favorite ‘grandma holding instructions on what to write and who to write by 11:00pm the following night jake published an opinion piece and the rest will be history weve gone too far cary thinks he got them that he got us but he is icarus and we are the scorching sun that will set his wings ablaze if theres a god ill have to beg his forgiveness if history is written by the victors i hate to see what the textbooks will say that is why i sent you this letter tell the students tell the city tell the state the whole world must know the truth godspeed jeff pickering ‘12 student body president 2011-2012

college station tx at breakaway on tuesday night the christian bubble at texas a&m burst at the crescendo of the famous song by david crowder how he loves the bubble became so full of raised hands and loud voices that it simply could not hold up any longer the pop echoed throughout college station causing waves in every fountain on campus it was amazing breakaway speaker ben stuart said i could really feel the spirit moving reed arena employees immediately called the fire department as well as the company that dried the blocker building out to clean up the mess students were carried out on the backs of other students the occasional carry each others burdens resounded through the arena no serious injuries have been reported but tales of humble service have been flooding social media ptl for the godly man who rescued me from reed tonight meet me at mugwalls tomorrow tweeted sophomore psychology major sarah abrahams speculation is heavy as to why the bubble suddenly burst on tuesday jeff johnson worship leader of breakaway has reportedly played that song multiple times the bubble had stayed intact until that moment many believe the explosion is the result of recent massive expansion of the bubble the release of impact counselor emails on monday and subsequent reveal nights have strained the wall of the bubble to its breaking point yeah i was just at breakaway with my new camp when we heard this huge pop and then total chaosshout out to omega naphtali though! john mark davidson freshman rpts major said whatever the reason the bubble has burst university authorities have taken steps to ensure the cleaning of reed arena as for the bubble students say that its flood is still persisting and will not be contained or controlled in the foreseeable future -lone star lady

college station tx – at the mandatory candidates meeting on sunday election commissioner allison krenzien announced a dramatic new change to the 2014 election regulations this campaign season videos promoting student body elections cannot feature any music from the band explosions in the sky krenzien said the uproar from the candidates was immediate within minutes half the senators in the room began drafting a bill to declare the ban unconstitutional richmond howards manager gracie wood stared at krenzien in disbelief patrick mcginity who was not aware explosions in the sky was a band started to whimper and embrace roy may explosions in the sky is a popular instrumental band that formed in austin tx and since 1999 has served as the default soundtrack for various student body election videos at texas a&m as krenzien attempted to calm the candidates down by justifying her decision thomas mcnutt stormed through the back door carrying a table which he proceeded to set down and flip over what do you mean we cant use explosions in the sky what else are we supposed to use [allison] has completely crippled this campaign season! said mcnutt as he handed patrick mcginity a box of tissues he then realized where he was and proceeded to back out of the room slowly but not before offering allison a fruit cake from collin street bakery where he now works full time with the election commission controlling promotional video soundtracks candidates wondered what else they could control can we at least continue to film montages of monuments around campus then film a far away shot of the candidate while the camera zooms in for a gig ‘em shot then one unfocused blurry shot all completed with a voice over by the candidate saying he is here to serve the students then can we finally post it on vimeo so that people take us more seriously or is that banned too! rambled gus blessing krenzien consented and said that she would expect nothing less krenzien closed the meeting by explaining that while this is a big decision it is for the best after unsuccessfully trying to start a btho explosions in the sky yell krenzien simply shrugged and said together we will gig the vote! -sbisa cookie

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college station- texas a&m university has secured the final piece of their already impressive 2014 class in a four star running back out of georgia the school was quick out of the gate recruiting this year and the last minute addition is an important pick up for the aggies you cant help but pay attention to the statistics this kid has put up said clarence mckinnney running back coach for texas a&m he is 34-3 in his career you just cant ignore a winner like that the running back will be a building block in what is already a very impressive offense according to reports from rivals and 247sports he is a physical specimen capable of hitting the hole fast and aggressively he is still a young player and growing very quickly we are definitely open to moving him to a different position depending on how he develops said mckinney the georgia four star has impressive strength and agility recruiting highlights indicate he has great vision and a real mean streak he is all lean muscle with a strong core and excellent balance the kid is a thoroughbreda real animal said brad clemens his former jockey some are skeptical as to how an actual racehorse will fare in sec football but texas a&m has been known to take risks in the past everyone remembers how the school took a player recruited as a safety and turned him into a heisman winner turning a horse into a football player shouldnt be much different if air bud could play basketball then this horse can play football said mckinney as of press time it is rumored that peta has planned a protest outside the bright football complex they claim that texas a&m utilizing both a horse and players which peta argues are essentially treated as animals is both abusive and dangerous although peta officials admit they are a little excited about the possibility of seeing a horse play football [feather_follow]

blinn students will be pleased to see a familiar face describing the merits and nature of religion next semester this afternoon the school announced the hiring of jed smock known to many as brother jed as the new philosophy of religion instructor according to the official blinn course catalog the class surveys basic religious issues such as the existence and nature of god religious and mystical experience miracles immorality the problem of evil the relationship between reason and faith and the meaning of religious language and symbols brother jed graduated from indiana state university after receiving his masters degree in history from isu he enjoyed a brief stint as a history professor at the university of wisconsin- la crosse better known as the harvard of wisconsin it was not long before brother jed realized that teaching wasnt his true passion he dedicated himself to preaching to college campuses across america the message he proclaims to students is one of love and tolerance i guess i would consider myself a militant atheist but that all changed when i met brother jed said sophomore biology major sam hooding i always thought christians were a bunch of close-minded bigots brother jed radically changed my opinion of christianity for the better blinn college is excited for the publicity that this hire will bring as brother jed is a bit of a celebrity on texas a&ms campus we believe this will be a great fit for both parties since brother jed isnt a real teacher and we arent a real university said cynthia griffith vice president of instruction when reached for comment brother jed rambled for several minutes but finally said something along the lines of a masturbator today is a homosexual tomorrow and liberals will burn in hell -cactus jack editors note: he also called me a slut

in a move that has shocked the campus texas a&m university dining has announced that it will be severing ties with pepsico in its place university administrators have awarded rival company coca-cola bottlers consolidated the exclusive right to sell products on campus the universitys contract with pepsico a multi-year partnership which began july 2010 is set to expire july 27 2014 as many students have remarked the contract comes just in time for the university to replace campus dining locations with new coca-cola products for the upcoming fall semester the new coca-cola contract will cover all fountain can and bottle drinks distributed on campus this includes every university dining hall convenience store and vending machine as well as all special events and athletic concessions i am most excited that our newfound relationship with the men and women at coca-cola bottlers is beginning before the completion of our new kyle field throughout our upcoming seasons the 12th man will be proud to enjoy coca-cola said texas a&m vice president for finance and administration bj crain while neither the university nor coca-cola have currently stated the amount of the official bid a&ms division of finance and administration predicts the value to be upwards of $275 million however they have since redacted the statement disclosing that the exact amount is still being negotiated crain has since announced that the university and coca-cola fully intend to come to a reasonable and timely agreement the details of which will be made public once they are approved beginning at the inauguration of their exclusivity contract in late july coca-cola will now claim rights to be the official soft drink of texas a&m university the administration has called it the first time in the universitys history where literally no one was upset with the decision…well except pepsi -honey bear follow @bigoldhoneybear contact jason cook apr texas a&m public relations 9794581729 mary viola pepsi beverages co public relations 9794581729 8473411603 [email protected]

yesterday january 28th 2014 a date which will live in obscurity the maroon lampoon was suddenly and deliberately attacked by the forces of the mugdown a cutthroat paper with deadly intent to conquer the maroon lampoon the maroon lampoon was at peace with the rival newspaper and at the solicitation of the mugdown was in conversation with the mugdown looking toward the maintenance of peace in the satirical newspaper niche indeed the mugdown ambassador to the maroon lampoon delivered to our editor-in-chief a message stating that it seemed useless to continue the existing diplomatic negotiations but it contained no threat or hint of war it will be recorded that the distance of our headquarters from the mugdown makes it obvious that the attack was deliberately planned many days or even weeks ago during the intervening time the mugdown has deliberately sought to deceive the maroon lampoon by false statements and expressions of hope for continued peace the attack yesterday has caused severe damage to maroon lampoon forces i regret to tell you that very many maroon lampoon interns have been lost our sweet buffalo bill passed earlier today after slipping on ice while fleeing the scene yesterday the mugdown government also launched an attack against the battalion last night mugdown forces attacked the good bull and this morning the mugdown attacked hong kong our editor-in-chief has directed that all measures be taken for our defense but always will our whole nation remember the character of the onslaught against us hostilities exist there is no blinking at the fact that our people our territory and our interests are in grave danger with confidence in our armed forces with the unbounding determination of our people we will gain the inevitable triumph so help us god -honey bear [polldaddy poll=7756100]

college station tx – in a twist of events that surprised even the professor himself it appears that a student in his introduction to accounting class has read the syllabus despite requiring this mundane assignment every year this is the first time on record that a student has in fact read it most people just stop as soon as they see how the teacher grades but im not most people i read every word of that sucker and let me tell you it was enlightening said john pecker a freshman business major syllabus day as it is known is a sort of holiday to many students everyone knows you basically just show up and try and figure out if you have any friends in the class you certainly dont do any work that is the unspoken agreement between professors and students regarding the first day of a new class since the syllabus is covered in class students dont typically read it they just zone out when the professor goes over the important dates and grading policies dr brody a third year intro to accounting professor admits most years i just copy and paste whatever the school forces me to put in there; stuff like the aggie honor code and general expectations sometimes if im bored i bs a schedule for the semester i mean why should i spend hours working on something that no one will ever read he wondered john doesnt see it that way according to him the syllabus is a way for me to truly grasp what i can learn from a class and commit to academic excellence its never too early to cram for syllabus day other content in the syllabus includes contact information and office hours details my favorite part was probably the americans with disabilities act i never knew that my professor was so accommodating pecker said dr brody was both impressed and a little confused by the fact that someone in the class would read the entirety of the syllabus however he was quickly brought back to reality when he asked for questions at the end of the class mr pecker sitting in the front row raised his hand and despite reading the entire syllabus asked the professor if the final exam would be cumulative -cactus jack

a new semester has begun at texas a&m university and with a new year comes an influx of visitors to the campus marla campbell the mother of a visiting high school senior was overwhelmingly inspired by the universitys numerous men in uniform chad jordanfishwas approached by campbell near the quad while walking to his morning class i pray that my son will one day be brave and remember the way you stood up for our freedom thank you thank you for your service campbell bubbled at jordan jordan blushed at the heartfelt praise but later mused on its misplacement it was really awkward it was a difficult position for the cadet but it is one that has been braved by many cadets throughout the universitys history to accept the praise or to correct the visiting parent that they have in fact never served in any branch of the military its been two semesters of this madness and the question still keeps me up at night a local pisshead confessed a&ms very own commandant has implemented a 3-step plan over the last 5 years 1 educate yourself know the signs and know the risks by wearing a uniform you have made yourself a target education is the only way we stop this from spreading 2 reduce your risk of exposure avoid tour groups and avoid anyone that could match the following description: 30-50 years of age thoughtlessly patriotic and white 3 build up your support system sometimes it cannot be helped somedays its an unwinnable situation in these instances you will need your friends and even your family the road to recovery is a rocky one but your brothers and sisters of the corps will be there to put you back on your feet we are the keepers of the spirit of aggieland we are the corps cadets and youre welcome for our service nodded the commandant with a tear in his eye -honey bear follow @bigoldhoneybear

prepare to see a ‘block n forming on the north end of kyle field citing student confusion as the primary reason texas a&m university officials have decided to change their historic logo in what is sure to be a controversial decision officials have finally caved into phonetics according to the director of student life people just dont say ‘a-t-m they say a&m whereas our old logo reflected the deep traditions of the texas agriculture and mechanics college in the ‘block t we believe new army will appreciate the updated logo initially the artists hired by the university struggled to bevel the ampersand the bevel was a non-negotiable on the part of school officials claiming it was a staple of all academically elite universities it wasnt until around one in the morning before their deadline that a sleep deprived designer suggested using an n at first artists were skeptical but the design grew on them a local artists rendition of how the future of a&m may look the student response from focus groups has been generally positive noah smith a freshman said for a long time i didnt know whether i went to a university or a bank i kept seeping this atm logo everywhere it was confusing to me and my friends questions remain regarding how long the implementation of this logo will take but it will likely be a difficult transition for the university -cactus jack

a college station staple since 1985 is it time to say goodbye to four dollar movies aggies a conversation between junior economics major raj panesar and the manager of cinemark in college station has prompted an evaluation of ticket prices theodore allen has both owned and managed the theater since 1985 he opened his theater during what many call the ‘golden age of cinema theo as he is referred to by his peers fondly recalls the screening of movie classics like the breakfast club and back to the future ticket prices were set at four dollars when the theater opened students began to flock to cinemark theo says you would have thought we were herding cattle the way those kids came to see movies back then the theater has stood the test of time as cinemark has become the destination of choice for students looking to watch the newest films though the theater has seen several renovations and expansions two things remain from cinemarks 1985 openingtheos passion for great films and the ticket prices the latter has been a huge selling point for the theater students coming from the dallas and houston areas are consistently surprised when they learn that college station ticket prices are less than half of their urban competitors this was a fact that theo was oblivious to until his conversation with mr panesar impressed by the affordability of the tickets raj asked a cinemark employee to speak with the manager he told theo how he had to pay upwards of twelve dollars to see movies back in his hometown of plano theo was floored the thought that people would raise the prices of tickets disgusted him how could any god-fearing and movie-going man completely screw over his customers by raising prices he wondered theo explained people kept showing up to see movies in the 80s for four bucks so hell im gonna keep charging four bucks panesar patted the manager on the shoulder tussled his hair and began to explain the concept of inflation theo could not believe that the same ticket from 1985 should be selling for about nine dollars today i guess that explains gas prices… theo said mr allen is firm in his decision to keep prices at four dollars the movies are about transporting you to different places he says in this case theo wants movie goers to be transported to a time when the brat pack reigned leg warmers were still in fashion and students could afford to buy a movie ticket when asked about the decision raj said that man just seems to be preoccupied with 1985 but who am i to complain… cheap movies as of press time the manager has decided to teach himself excel to replace his collection of sticky notes he had been recording business transactions on for the past 30 years

the current single story panda express in the memorial student center orange chicken looks to take over the maroon landscape chartwells – the company that oversees texas a&m on-campus dining – has just confirmed that panda express will expand to become the first ‘mega panda after constant complaints from students of massive lines and lack of seating chartwells approached university administrators with the idea of installing a mega panda in the msc in panda express franchise terms a ‘mega panda is a 3-story panda express capable of serving hundreds of guests every hour until now a ‘mega panda has never actually been built panda officials and administrators agreed that it was only fitting the first mega panda should be installed in the student center of one of the largest universities in the nation the mega panda will expand and replace most eating venues in the memorial student center the entire lower level first floor cafeteria area and second floor meeting rooms and art galleries will be connected via elevators and escalators to form the mega panda students will find two complete panda expresses on each floor as well as fortune cookie dispensers at every exit a vip room on the second floor will feature an all-you-can-eat orange chicken counter with a $15 entrance fee construction on the mega panda is set to begin late this spring and finish by the return of fall semester students seem eager for this new development one a&m student was quoted saying this is such a great move for the school and the students although adjusting to construction may be a new and unexpected challenge for us chartwells says that panda will still only operate on one register –buffalo bill sbisa cookie

wehner high school the college station football scene just got a little more interesting wehner high school will be holding tryouts for their new football program which will begin play in september in aaa division ii wehner high was established in 1961 and has been consistently known for their academic program athletics have of course been a part of the wehner landscape since its founding but only in the form of intramurals wehner has consistently fielded a handful of intramural football teams but it became clear that students were looking for something more many participants complained about how schools like college station high school and a&m consolidated had the opportunity to play competitive football and wehner high did not school administrators had been reached out to on multiple occasions and cited budgetary issues as the reason for their decision not to allow uil athletics fortunately the students had an advocate in teacher and former military leader lance morganstein known around wehner high only as the general morganstein was exactly the kind of man to empower this historic decision students recall seeing morganstein at many of their intramural gamesstoically glaring and only speaking to remind the players that his mother throws better than [they] do it wasnt until sophomore quarterback bryce richards confronted the general after the game that morganstein admitted that he was tired of seeing so much wasted potential from the students of wehner that was two years ago since that fateful conversation general morganstein and richards a senior now have worked diligently to help wehner field the schools first uil recognized athletic team wehner administrators were able to fund the program by cutting their accounting department it is clear however that the team will still be facing an uphill battle students insisted that they wear boat shoes in lieu of cleats to save money the general who will also be head coach for the 2014 season decided to allow the footwear but remained firm in his decision to not let them wear polos instead of jerseys a name has not been decided on at press time but warriors and frat-stars seem to be leading contenders tryouts will be held march 30th in that huge patch of grass between wehner high and the library on campus students are asked to bring an id and their game face