Datasets:

houck2040

/

satire

like 0

a recent study by the psychology department claims that there are only 50 000 truly distinct faces in the world this means that many people have virtually indistinguishable traits at a school the size of texas a&m that means that there are at least 6 000 people walking around that have no individual identity and have a visual double somewhere on campus the study looked at both small liberal arts colleges and large state universities finding that at the smaller schools there was a wide range of facial traits while at the state schools it was not uncommon to run up to a friend only to realize he or she was not your friend but a perfect approximation nearly indistinguishable by modern science critics of the study point to the largest anomaly known in existence the texas a&m corps of cadets because despite the odds every single member has virtually indistinguishable traits psychologists have not been able to explain this but do acknowledge that even they have mistaken a cadet in the study with another cadet who was in fact mistaken for his roommate in the first place what some have rushed to call the ambiguous feature effect is nothing short of a doppelganger effect in short because of the size of our university you are statistically likely to mistake someone for your friend once or possibly even several times per day at small schools like rice you know who your friends are and can recognize people across campus but at texas a&m the odds are stacked against you as the old adage goes you dont always know who your friends are -commons lobbyist

as the school year draws to a close many members of the fightin texas aggie class of 2015 are poised to graduate including many of our very own staff while they may graduate from texas a&m university they will never graduate from our hearts nine of our dearly beloved writers pass from this mortal realm into another equally mortal realm from the world of the mugdown to the world of reality and as we bid them farewell from this organization it is with a heavy heart for we know a crueler world awaits them time shall not be kind to them no time will not be kind to them yet they march forward onward unrelenting bravely facing the doom they know is at hand andy jett bravely and foolishly i pity them really they spend the last portion of their lives building this organization from scratch clawing and fighting to get where they are now they are being unceremoniously dumped out into a world they cared little for and which cared even less about them benjamin gothman and their child their darling creation theyve nourished from birth with their own blood sweat and tears is being ripped from its mothers breast to have its fate determined by the whims of its newly adopted parents will they raise it as if it were their own or shall they cast it to the wolves neglected and forgotten courtney welch if only they could divine the future peer past the foggy veil of the present to catch a glimmer of their fate to come but fate is not a mistress easily charmed james bennett nay but she waits for us all nevertheless ever we look to her dreaming of the captivating enchantress hidden just beyond our sight yet we chase her dreaming of the vision we held in our youth and day by day she flits back ever beyond our reach linley mccord the chase seems eternal; time stretches farther than we ever thought possible then we find her fate the radiant virgin we once sought so vigorously in the prime of our lives has aged not like a vintage wine grown in a land we once knew in a dream but like goats milk curdled and soured from the neglect of the harsh elements that barrage the surface of a harsher world lucas williamson yes this is what the future has in store for our wide-eyed graduates we do not envy them no there is not a word found amongst the tomes of english literature or half a dozen languages that can accurately describe the overwhelming pain it is to see them forsake the safety of this nest ryan vinzant the rocket of their lives has begun to launch they aim for the moon for they know if they miss they will land among the stars but they clearly didnt learn much in their time here at school because any basic understanding of our own solar system will tell you that those that miss the moon do not land anywhere near a star but instead come crashing down to earth in a ball of fiery ruin shelbi polk the poor souls their outlook is so bleak ive run out of metaphors to describe it in fact i dont expect many to actually read this far into this article i mostly expect people to skim the first paragraph or too for context and spend the rest of the time checking the pictures and the names to see if they know any of these graduating clowns william french maybe im wrong maybe someone is actually still reading this that would be impressive i dont even think there is a single sentence in this article that forms half a rational thought however there may be someone out there who just has to read every word of this thing like some compulsion compels them forward if thats the case heres some actually straightforward and useful information to reward you you weirdo nine seniors are graduating from texas a&m university and the mugdown their names are andy jett benjamin gothman courtney welch jamie bennett linley mccord luke williamson ryan vinzant shelbi polk and william french they helped raise the mugdown to what it is and now leave it in the hands of writers they hand picked and trained themselves so itll probably do just fine probably <3 the mugdown

once upon a time there were dumb people who did not want to be engineers there people are liberal arts majors why do they want to be liberal arts in my opinion it is because they do not understand why engineers are so great and now i will tell you why because i am an engineer and i know that i am right and here is why that is my first point is that engineers do much good in the world we build bridges and houses and schools and medicines and everything else is the whole wide world while we do all of the good things liberal arts majors do not do any of the good things all they do i read and write and that is all i think that all of that is super pointless there has never been anything good that came from books uncle toms cabin did not make people say that slavery is dumb even books that people say are classical are mega dumb why do i need to read the lord of the rings when i can watch the movie the movie is better anyway i think that the second lord of the rings movie is the best one some of the things that liberal arts does is not real what i mean when i say that some of the things that liberal arts do is not real is that sometimes it is theoretical this is dumber than anything that can be done in a different college all of the math and formulas that we do is always based on things in the real world it is never made up never it is always real the world is super simple not like formulas and math majors like history and political science and international studies do not make a difference not even a little one the people that are in washington make all of the laws anyway i dont think that understanding how the system works make it go good i trust the people who live in a place that almost won two super bowels in a row and i do not need to know all of the stuff that happened a billion years ago that is what google is for a engineer probably made google so history is less then engineering lastly i want to convince the people that are reading this that even an engineer can do what liberal arts does except that i can do it more good writing is not hard and even though people in the real world do not need to use it ever engineers could still do it super good in conclusion liberal arts is a pointless thing if an engineer was to try to write something and sound all of the kinds of professional i can the end -beutel call

in an effort to reach out to the greek community the brotherhood of christian aggies (bca) a christian organization dedicated to fellowship and brotherhood and sigma phi lambda a christian sorority decided to partner together to create a chilifest team due to the organizations size they were immediately recognized as the largest team in chilifests history they were also the most sober their team entered under a noahs ark theme in an unsubtle attempt to warn greeks of their impending damnation sigma phi lambda or phi lamb decided to dress as the animals aboard the ark the decision was easy as most members still had leftover animal costumes from last semesters noahs ark themed date party bca members were all dressed as noah while many biblical scholars believe that noahs ark was built in around fifty years bca and phi lambs ark was built over four weekends the plywood ark housed several prayer teams that prayed for gods forgiveness over the event for 48 hours straight we wanted to be in the world but not of the world said justin woodall bca president this seemed like a natural way to reach out to the greek community plus i think pat green might be a christian even if he does curse bca members took turns standing on kegs (not to be confused with keg stands) and holding signs calling chilifest participants to repent of their drunkenness and debauchery while some believed this might be offensive or at the least unconventional the christian fraternity stood firm that it would be more offensive to not share the truth about gods hatred of sin god promised he would never wipe out the entire world in a flood again but on saturday snook was basically flooded with a wave of sweat beer and urine said phi lamb chaplain carly mcdougal the team recruited saying it was open to whomever wanted to join all that the groups asked was that no one drank while wearing an animal costume noah costume or their organizations letters they then gave participants a kind reminder that worship would be performed following cody jinks the deal was seen as exceptionally good this year for only $75 dollars attendees received a two day chilifest and bca/phi lamb tent wristband a comfort colors t-shirt and a chance to avoid eternity in hell -cactus jack

in defense of satire at a&m: or a perspective on propaganda the mugdown exists to challenge the thinking of the texas a&m community by delivering relevant satirical news the mugdown mission statement we are both immensely proud and humbled by what we have created we believe we have faithfully carried out our mission statement: exposing a reality at a&m which no one has been brave enough (or perhaps stupid enough) to release into the public sphere of dialogue late wednesday night we carried out a project that has been in development for monthsa collection of posters portraying propaganda for the corps of cadets which were arranged throughout campus hours went into crafting the images deciding which pieces were fit to print and would best advance the intended message and which order would maximize the message value this is not an apology we absolutely stand by what we have unleashed and we fully believe that any subsequent offense has resulted from either a misunderstanding of the heart of the message or a willful ignorance to the unpleasant reality it presents every article we write and every stunt we orchestrate is for the singular purpose of satire which we have made clear in our mission statement above the essence of satire is truth or what we like to call the heart of the message this heart reflects reality and is found deeper than the instinctive reaction there is strong correlation between the truth of the message and the response that the message garners this idea has been indisputably witnessed with thursdays stunt and subsequent reaction the heart of this collection is in exposing a tension at the core of texas a&m culture namely the implicit rivalry between the corps of cadets and the non-reg student body we have witnessed firsthand this conflict during our time here at a&m with such occurrences as the flag event at the greek bid day a few years ago and the recent scandal involving the yell leader elections the purpose of this message was to present this reality to the public sphere of discussion we hoped this would encourage open and free dialogue and ultimately put this division to rest and bring the aggie family closer together we believe we presented this reality in its most extreme form through the use of propagandawhich by its very nature is extreme our hope was that its satirical nature would be immediately obvious by those of the texas a&m community unfortunately this message has been mostly lost by those who have misinterpreted the intent and attributed malice to the mugdown staff or others some have even gone as far as to say that we are not deserving of membership in the aggie family are we not aggies for bringing to light a truth that others are unable or unwilling to admit are we not aggies for promoting discussion on what we believe to be a very real and very troubling aspect of texas a&m culture are we not aggies because we desire a truly unified campus and not simply its illusion the posters were all designed to communicate various aspects of the same message and were intended to be taken as a wholewhich is why we placed them in close proximity to one another unfortunately much of the substance of the message is lost when the pieces are taken individually and this undoubtedly led to the misconceptions which have arisen in their wake specifically the poster that received the most backlash is the piece depicting steven lanz in opposition with the other yell leaders this is intentionally the least subtle of the collection and is reasonably unsettling when taken out of context this past election was one of the most controversial events to hit our campus in a long time and it hit a huge nerve in corps and non-reg communities alike the mentality expressed in the poster that lanz is representative of an enemy that has infiltrated the sacred ranks of yell leader is one that we truly believe exists in some circlesand is in direct opposition with the aggie spirit we believe that this poster hits so hard because of the truth it exposes and bringing that truth out of the shadows is paramount to healing and growth in the aggie community is the reality depicted in the poster bad bull absolutely is the subtle tension between the corps and non-reg students a real and tangible part of the texas a&m community without question does that make this piece of satire or its creators responsible for the truth it exposes as uncomfortable as it may be absolutely not if you were offended if you were outraged if you were appalled upset called for our expulsion or went to your keyboards to demand justice then it was because of the reality that these posters addressednot the posters themselves this week we held a mirror to the face of aggieland and reflected a problem that we have shown to exist the corps is not the enemy greek life is not the enemy steven lanz is not the enemy and we at the mugdown are certainly not the enemy however the enemy is indeed among usamong us and within usand as long as we suppress public discourse and allow anti-aggie sentiments to perpetuate the enemy will continue to tear our family apart thanks and gig ‘em the mugdown

in a strange twist of fate two texas a&m students became gay today after walking and then eventually prancing under the century tree together the students marcus gladden and tanner elliott have been friends since high school and they say the event was an accident we were pretty late to a fish camp counselor meeting so we were just hurrying and not really paying attention to where we were going elliott explained by the time we realized what had happened it was too late we went into the tree with an appropriate 18 inches of buffer space between us but we came out holding hands this isnt exactly the way i saw my romantic life ending up marcus is a great guy but hes just never really been my type gladden said but what are you going to do we have these rules for a reason and we have to respect that the two friends were already planning to get an apartment together next semester and are now even more excited to do so however they maintain that they are both just hapless pawns in the unforgiving chess game of aggie traditions gladden said hes just happy they didnt accidentally step on the msc grass and have to commit seppuku elliott said he is planning on breaking the news to his parents later this week but that he is confident theyll take it well as he comes from a very traditional aggie family with a deep respect for texas a&ms culture my parents always raised me to be a red-ass and i know theyll understand when i explain that this red-ass will now be squeezing into much tighter pants elliott said but he went on to admit that he is scared to tell his now ex-girlfriend about her new title when asked how their new sexual identities will affect their lives in the future elliott revealed that he is now planning on picking up a theatre minor additionally gladden said he will continue to work out at the rec in tight tank tops -cpp

be yourself – as long as you dye your hair and get piercings to fit in

on monday of this week sophomore-by-hours student alec reagan douglas unraveled the secret that has plagued linguists for centuries: the pronunciation of the language latin douglas started out this semester in french 101 but soon found it to be beneath him while attending the first class he quickly conquered the basics and after casually skimming through the textbook he easily learned all that he could learn from that language as a whole i mean learning another language isnt hard douglas said im already speaking to french women douglas soon discovered he possessed a special gift after renting out rosetta stone for several languages douglas quickly learned spanish german russian mandarin korean navajo swahili canadian and aboriginal the language department after hearing about how douglas successfully talked to the student workers at the front desk of the evans library in the farsi he had learned that morning challenged the 19-year-old to unlock the lost pronunciations of latin i just tried to think ‘how would [the romans] say it said douglas and i simply spoke it was easy douglas never intended such vast accomplishments but he isnt particularly surprised that he has done so next week douglas will be unraveling the greatest language mystery of all time: deciphering ancient egyptian -samurai sully

in a stroke of lazy and entitled brilliance two seniors registered as a family in order to get free labor from the big event this year the students economics major clay morton and history major stephen shields pretended to be an elderly couple who needed help with household chores both enrolled in law school this next semester morton and shields took advantage of poor wording on the sign-up form to argue that they are in fact seniors and citizens our house has been pretty rank the past few months since stephen is lazy and refuses to do the dishes or take out the trash said morton im the responsible one so i figured i should do the mature thing and get someone else to do it dont listen to anything that clay tells you shields yelled in response it was his turn to do the dishes and he knows it i did them the last two times! the group sent by big event was shocked upon arriving at their job site to discover they would be working for two senior students instead of the senior citizens they had expected luckily shields informed us the big event group was made up of corps fish so they just instinctively did everything the upperclassmen told them to do what else were we supposed to do think for ourselves were not damn t-sips said neil balder freshman general studies major and one of the members of the big event group morton and shields said they were very satisfied with the groups job performance the big event group did the dishes swept the floors took out the trash and did basically everything else your mom used to do for you balder said he thought the group was able to be so effective because of the tools that big event staff provided to them: two broken rakes and a paint tray with no paint or brushes it feels good to just get out into the community and help people who really need it its hard work but were making a difference out here said balder who then mumbled something about embodying core values balder went on to say he cant wait to brag to all of his high school friends about how he volunteers and is superior in every way -cpp

with the completion of the big obligation 2015 students returned to class sunburnt and anxious for their well-earned afternoon nap while the big obligation may have made the weekend feel shorter most students are coming away from saturday with satisfaction certain that they made a difference in the bryan/college station area however one student was less than thrilled with his big obligation experience i cant believe how disorganized it was said mark portum junior civil engineering major i sat in traffic for hours then there werent any more ladders when i got to the front of the tool line on top of that my group got split up! he expressed that he felt guilted into participating this year in years past it was a fun thing he did with his organizations but this year portum felt that he was just going through the motions i almost didnt sign up but when i told my friends they looked at me like i was some kind of freak said portum upon his arrival to his work site the middle-aged couple asked them to weed their garden and unclog the gutters this offended portum and his fellow engineers as they felt their mental capacities could be better used for more in-depth jobs such as painting or building a swing set these people even forgot to order us lunch so were slaving away on their gutters and they dont even have the decency to remember to provide food portum said i do the big obligation to do a good thing but this year i just realized how little my efforts are appreciated he resolved that this would be his final year and no guilt-trips of selfless service or fashionable t-shirts will sway him into signing up again after having such a poor experience this year -lone star lady

the texas a&m university college of architecture announced this past wednesday that students and faculty will be working to install a glass ceiling in the langford architecture building the mugdown spoke with dan ward an associate architecture professor here at texas a&m and head of the project for further detail we at the tamu architecture department really feel that a glass ceiling will tell a lot about our core values as a major ward said with clear excitement about the project the sky is the limit! except for that glass ceiling in the way but its a lot more inspirational to look at the sky through the glass ceiling obviously you cant really touch the sky thats ridiculous ward hopes that through this project students will gain experience with glass ceilings they can later take to their workplace one of the students leading the installment logan fink told us more about the aesthetic side of a glass ceiling some people think theyre outdated but were sure to convince everyone theyre alive and well! additionally i think a lot of glass ceilings go unnoticed probably because theyre clear were taking inspiration from the glass ceiling in the blocker building blocker is home to mostly mathematics classes and as any math major can tell you the glass ceiling there is very sturdy when we asked students for their opinions on the change we got quite an array of answers student amelia green told us about her opposition to the ceiling i dont think we need one glass ceilings get dirty really easily; you think we cant see them but we can another student emily abner believed glass ceilings really couldnt exist at all obviously even if there ever have been any glass ceilings theyre old and theyve caved in by now i mean its 2015! there really arent any glass ceilings in america and i think i would know so mugdown readers how do you feel about the installment of a glass ceiling is it important that students learn how to work with glass ceilings and more importantly learn how to make sure they never break will it be gross if like a bunch of birds poop on it -zero dark eighty

(or an english majors defense of nasa) once the world was small and men found small things that were different in each other and hated them the same languages spoken with different accents the same religions with different prayers or the same skin color on different sides of the river as the world grew bigger bigger differences were found and the people were glad they could stop fighting amongst themselves and could fight and kill others their excuses for this violence included different languages different religions and different continents and life was considered peaceful just because the fighting was somewhere else the old differences now known to be small were held up as proofs of progress even if the wounds were not always fully healed a common enemy made room for stitches here and there and if blood leaked sometimes well it was deemed necessary to the joining of two sides of one flesh we have now begun to understand how small we are and that this fighting has been but self-immolation all along but we are not quite ready to give it up there are still too many wars and too much killing and we need to come up with a solution too long has humanity been divided we need to unite our race across lines of color belief and tongue to this end i propose we find a common enemy the deteriorating conditions of the environment and the growing number of the hungry have failed at uniting us in a noble battle to improve our race this is where texas a&ms work on the giant magellan telescope finds her calling if you havent yet heard our esteemed university is a founding partner in the giant magellan telescope project this telescope will have 10 times the resolution of the hubble space telescope and it will be built on top of a mountain in chile this means there will be plenty of room for area 51 scope secrets texas a&m the time has come for you to find us aliens big scary looking ones that are not at all humanoid and who speak no understandable language so that everyone except the most radical of peta members will approve of execution and exploitation there should never be anything along the lines of budget cuts for this project we should in fact move our entire nations defense budgets into funding for space exploration in the interest of humanity this will serve to both speed up the search for extraterrestrial life and act as a show of good faith to the rest of the world at a&m we can lead this charge by shifting all of our research monies into aerospace engineering and leaving all the other departments to starve in the cold i can only hope they will understand the nobility of their sacrifice lets return to the unified and celebratory atmosphere of the 1940s and 50s by leaving our own atmosphere far behind never have our individual countries been so unified as when they formed opposing teams and tried to wipe each other off the face of this earth that we all share together i believe we can discover in intergalactic manifest destiny a noble tool to promote human rights and also when we are deep into a war with the aliens we can finally have an excuse to use all those nukes weve been anxiously hoarding for the past seventy years -revelicious

its right in your own campus while it may be hard to believe roughly fifty thousand aggies dont even know how to avoid the crippling burden of a handful of flyers in buildings just like your wehner or your roommates blocker there are many who need help join aggies across campus who are coming together with the mugdown to end these burdens start today it can be as easy as wearing headphones while walking through the msc or simply getting tips from a random article on the internet whatever level of involvement is right for you weve made it simple to find and avoid people in your area keep your hands busy and full: water bottles books and phones work wonders if your hands are full you are less likely to be approached (unless they are the aggressive passer-outer that does everything but stuff the paper into your pocket) just keep walking walking walking take a little advice from dory (on dry land) dont worry because you were hidden by that crowd of people those flyer distributors totally wont realize you just completely ignored them avoid eye contact at all cost whether you are looking straight ahead with confidence down at the ground like it might fall out from underneath you or at your ever-handy iphone not looking them in the eye like real people will usually do the trick politely take the flyer from the kind person and dispose of it in the nearest out of sight recycling container there is always one nearby we have all been stuck on flyer duty beforethe least you can do is humor us do not go near the doors on the east side of the msc or near rudder plaza or academic plaza problem solved in theory but it still afflicts many please if you have any family friends or loved ones that are on or could one day be on campus talk to them about flyersbefore someone else does -century treeharmony

yesterday the computer science department announced its plan to construct a real life skynet equivalent the sole purpose of this machine will be the eradication of mankind or at least thats the plan professor con johner is heading up the endeavour and claims it to be the loftiest goal the department has ever set for itself [skynet] was supposed to start killing us all way back in ‘97 or 2004 depending on which timeline youre referring to says johner back then we didnt have the computing power we have today but now i think we have all we need to create a machine that will become self aware and decide almost instantly that destroying all of mankind is definitely its best option johner and a few other professors will be working together alongside phd graduate and even a select few undergraduate students johner believes it will make an excellent hands on learning opportunity but some of his peers disagree i just dont see the point says sonner a phd student who disagrees with the program i mean in the long run were all dead why bother bringing [undergraduates] on to work with us when all theyll be doing is slowing us down sonners urgency comes from her belief that with global warming disease pollution and all the other problems destroying the world mankinds best hope would be a machine that could solve these problems for us of course its first step would be to remove mankind altogether thus eliminating the greatest threat to the world and all other species i know thatin movies that is[the earth] always turns into this sort of barren wasteland void of all manner of life says johner but this is of course classic hollywood dramatization johner reassures naysayers that the skynet will leave the rest of the world in pristine condition and that it would only destroy mankind and all his creations excluding itself of course that would be the final task of the new skynet future generations will sleep a lot more soundly than us after every single trace of humanity has been wiped from existence says johner johners next step toward skynets progress is to have all computer science classes cancelled in order to dedicate every able mind toward creating a machine that will mercilessly destroy the very people who worked on it and cared for it since its inception -samurai sully

with the conclusion of a particularly tumultuous election season and much needed spring break student life is appearing to settle back down to normal or so texas a&m students thought: corruption has reared its ugly head once again in aggieland any student involved in one of texas a&ms many organizations is likely familiar with clothing from the popular brand comfort colors by chouinard comfort color shirts are mostly known for their variety of appealing (and not-so-appealing) pastel hues and accompanying myriad of obscure color names the devotion texas a&ms student body has developed towards comfort colors is almost as defensive and cultish as a&m itself and there is only one place in college station that offers their brand: cc creations or is it the only place honestly who knows is there anywhere else to even get custom shirts in college station regardless cc creations is the go-to place for custom shirts its not exactly a secret that they have a complete monopoly on the custom t-shirt trade cc creations is like the dutch east india company of college but instead of spices and colonies they sell frockets and absurd brand loyalty because of this cc creations is making a mint off indoctrinated college students cc creations mint shown here what may come as a surprise is the recent accusations of cc creations and its connection to the recent election cycle an anonymous source has reported that cc creations has been secretly funding many student body election campaigns like some sort of anti-gildan superpac it is with this realization our biggest questions have been answered where does the machine get its funds who has ensured the election commission has been improperly counting votes this whole time where did isaiah tsau get that stylish maroon tie with the a&m logo on the bottom yes even the infamous kettle meal is rumored to have been paid for by the company and theres no doubt a certain moped traffic ticket would have miraculously disappeared had that issue actually been worth discussing and that traffic ticket actually been issued cc creations likely has its hand in the cookie jar of most organizations and committees on campus in fact they are probably watching you right now all of this shows that someone is pulling the strings behind the scenes cc creations is likely just another layer in the great conspiracy maybe the illuminati is behind it all maybe lizard people in disguise are running all of sga or maybe none of these things are as ridiculous as the events that actually took place in this years election season that lizard-people thing has got to be true though -bacon & ags

everything you need to know about the 2015 elections some stuff you should know about the 2015 elections nothing you really need to know about the 2015 elections [youtube https://wwwyoutubecom/watchv=-q2jpfmh_j8] the election for student body president joseph benigno michael murtha and isaiah tsau run for 2015-2016 student body president (sbp) benigno runs as the political machine candidate his organizational involvement in key organizations with a large amount of political influence (fish aides brotherhood of christian aggies (bca) and maroon coats) essentially guaranteeing him the position as if his chiseled jawline and presidential hair didnt do that already murtha runs as the required machine opposition tsau runs as murtha + diversity benigno wins election a couple people pretend to be surprised runner-up murtha claims that traffic violations in this campaign video would push benigno over his campaign budget should he be ticketed; therefore benigno should be made to forfeit the presidency benigno claims that murtha should be made to forfeit his man card on account of being a petty child and a sore loser murtha and benigno lawyer up… …for the most dramatic popularity contest weve seen since high school benigno and murtha meet at the kettle their grandparents were there too but thats not important benigno claims murtha has violated the aggie honor code murtha promised his childhood friend tsau a place on his cabinet (executive vice president the second most powerful student position) as well as three more cabinet positions of his choosing if tsau dropped from the race and endorsed murtha as sbp tsau decided to continue running for sbp leaving some to believe his strategy was simply to enjoy the show and let benigno and murtha destroy each other benigno tells murtha that he will report this information to the university potentially harming his career in the student government association (sga) his career in law school and his character unless murtha drops the case murtha counters that these kinds of promises are and have been very common in sga murtha also reminds joseph that his threats constitute blackmail joseph reminds murtha that he has a nice potential political career there and it would be a shame if anything were to happen to it murtha continues to press charges benigno steps forward with the information benigno laughs at murtha for being childish murtha is upset at benigno for being a big bully murtha reveals he was secretly wearing a wire at the kettle the whole time murtha makes the recording public to all that request it local grocery stores run out of popcorn the court rules (in the closest decision in judicial history) that benigno shall remain sbp-elect notable quotes from the trial and pre-trial include: murtha: arbitrary (said 314 times) benigno: explicit (said 723 times) murtha: there is no texas a&m but 50 000 different experiences of it benigno: no items used in the promotional video were used to promote votes *hair coif* aubre dean: *audibly laughing at benigno campaign arguments* random dude: just a bunch of kids who watch too much house of cards benigno: democracy is so overrated yell leaders 5 for yell and steven lanz run to be 2015-2016 yell leaders kyle cook ben ritchie and zachary lawrence run against steven lanz for senior yell will alders and chris wilder run for junior yell not even 5 for yell can keep track of all the names for those out of the loop 5 for yell is a group of five close individuals from the corps of cadets that run annually under the corps of cadets endorsement it includes alders and wilder and the incumbent yell leaders ritchie and lawrence who push for the election of their new member (cook) its a bit of a cult but wouldnt some argue thats what makes them so great at representing a&m campus is dominated by campaigning for lanz and cook 5% of campus is really passionate 95% of campus just wants people to stop handing them stickers when they walk into the msc lanz is a non-reg so 5 for yell campaigns for the typically (but not always) followed tradition of keeping yell leaders members of the corps of cadets lanz campaigns for the typically (but not always) followed tradition of reminding the corps they make up less than 5% of the university cook makes what some interpret as condescending posts to facebook emphasizing the inability of a non-reg to uphold traditions like a cadet this is seen as an interesting point since non-reg yell leaders have been around for decades and lanz would be over the 30th non-reg yell leader in texas a&m history cook opposition arises from: those who do not believe cook is a fit representation of a&m on account of disrespectful pictures he took at the bonfire memorial as a fish camp counselor those who disagree that yell leaders should remain exclusively members of the corps of cadets anarchists who want to bring about the new world order lanz and cook are both elected but incumbent ritchie does not win this is blamed on the emphasis that was placed on lanz and cook instead of incumbent yell leaders who all ended up ranked below lanz and cook in the vote 5 for yell opposition laughs at 5 for yell for assuming their incumbent yell leaders would win without campaigning for them 5 for yell files for a revote on the grounds that the instant runoff vote was not counted properly according to the election by-laws of the yell leader constitution campus is divided on account of the broken system being in place for years but requiring a 5 for yell loss to bring about change a revote is called lanz wins again but this time cook loses a recount of the original vote reveals that the winners of senior yell would have been cook lawrence and ritchie but the original vote is now nullified cook should have won the election in the original vote and lanz should have lost but cook was passed by lanz in the revote campus has a good laugh at 5 for yell bringing about their own defeat election commissioner emma douglas is filed for impeachment but resigns before an impeachment hearing can be made this decision…is in no way to be construed as an admittance of guilt said douglas the resignation is to save the student government association from further perpetuating unhealthy and destructive dialogue which is fancy legal jargon for screw you guys im going home senior yell is firmly established to be lanz lawrence and ritchie and junior yell remains alders and wilder lanz looks forward to working with the four guys who worked so hard to have cook over him and is certain it like totally wont be weird at all -north by northgate sbisa cookie and honey bear

after a devastating train wreck in hearne last week many new students are finding themselves having difficulty making connections the latest addition to the long and storied list of aggie traditions the tamu follow train (hashtag optional) provides students of texas a&m an easy and fast way to make hundreds of acquaintances ive never been great at social interactions in real life one anonymous student reports however the follow train allows me to be more confident ive met so many great people through it and even though i never talk to them i feel really great knowing i have so many potential friends some cynics have raised questions as to whether or not new twitter followers count as actual friends but these non-believers are deservedly missing out on the sweet favoriting community that the rest of the freshmen are experiencing some of my new twitter followers actually say hi to me sometimes too! freshman communications major alyssa brooker said but i mean it can be kinda weird when they like know that my favorite drink from starbucks is a skinny mocha frappe with no whipped cream honestly i wish that @aghunter2017 stop leaving them outside my dorm brooker responded with confused looks when we suggested to cease posting her room number and starbucks orders unfortunately with the latest turn of events the tamu follow train is stranded in the station forcing a new series of lonely freshman to wait for the next one to arrive for now some are desperate enough to spend time with actual friends or even introduce themselves to classmates some still insistent on quantity over quality have begun to physically write down the names of people they meet and keep the paper in their pocket rumors are circulating that these sorts of papers are passed around classes occasionally bearing a personal note directed to another person this reporter is wary of such a method of communication to ever become commonplace when the next train will get up and running is a mystery but there is no debate that the students of texas a&m will work tirelessly to maintain this newly trademarked aggie tradition -bacon & ags

freshman general engineering major david chapman glanced around the house party nervously as he refilled his drink looking for anyone he had not yet introduced himself to my time is valuable said chapman everyone here needs to know that there is so much schoolwork i could be doing right now not to complain but i definitely have the hardest major of anyone in here to educate those not in the know all incoming freshmen interested in engineering are placed in general engineering this brilliant system allows freshmen to make an informed decision about which engineering field they want to specialize in after a year of taking university core curriculum classes i always knew i was going to be an engineer i really liked legos as a kid thats pretty much all it comes down to doing what i love chapman said to a group of people watching the beer pong game its pretty tough though i spent like an hour googling answers for my cal 1 homework the other night the highlight of chapmans night was when he used a trash can to prop open the back door of the stuffy house its a good thing theres an engineer at this party! said chapman with a chuckle id be lying if i said the money wasnt a big part of my motivation i can tell it gets the ladies excited when i talk about my future salary said chapman referring to the way women squirm uncomfortably when he talks to them chapman then tried to describe the difficulty in choosing chemical or mechanical to a couple of potential trophy wives he kept trying to explain how much harder is major was said whitney parker a freshman marketing major but hes in like three of my core curriculum classes as of press time chapman was seen changing his major to ag leadership because his stupid physics professor couldnt speak english -war hymnal

5 for yell has announced plans to build an alternate university where they will be the yell leaders after raising concerns about the old voting system 5 for yell decided to hold its own election the unfavorable results of their independent election where 5 for yell once again did not sweep made the current and prospective yell leaders wonder why they could not win after thinking about it we realized that it was the university not the voting system that was flawed head yell leader patrick mcginty said keeping with our can-do spirit and willingness to adapt we have decided to start a new university where we will hold yet another yell leader election msc president ryan trantham the election commissioner of the revote will serve as president of the new university theres a lot that goes into starting a university trantham said step one is to find a name so far we like yell leader u yelltopia and texas a&m re-university mcginty said the plan is to secede the quad and start from there possibly expanding into south side garage he expects the corps to be supportive of this decision we gave the cadets an offer to join us that they couldnt refuse mcginty said everyone who secedes with us gets a bag-in tomorrow michael k young future texas a&m president was disappointed to see 5 for yell want to leave but hopes that texas a&m can continue without them sure im gonna miss those guys but i wont even live on campus so it doesnt make much of a difference to me either way young said mcginty wanted to reaffirm that there will be no hard feelings between the two universities and that 5 for yell still has the utmost respect for texas a&m and its traditions even though their new university will be better at traditions as much as it pains me to say goodbye to this fine institution we would be jeopardizing the integrity of the organization and process if we allowed these results to stand said mcginty -war hymnal

there is no tradition more famous here in aggieland than that of leaving ones spare change at the feet of arguably the most progressive president this university has ever seen however the widely known a&m tradition has left this aggie icon on the streets it was discovered late saturday evening that texas a&m universitys beloved lawrence sullivan ross or more familiarly known as sully was forced to file for bankruptcy after missing multiple payments on his near-foreclosed home although university officials were unaware of his financial struggles sully has cited poor income as the reason for his filing for years pennies a day was enough but since the market crashed in 08 surviving penny to penny was no longer a sensible means of living sully said in an interview with kbtxs own clay falls recent complaints had been filed with the campus human resources department by sully asking that his pay be adjusted in accordance with the federal minimum wage but they were quickly denied shortly after his original denial sully submitted a request that his pay at least be adjusted for inflation this change would have required students to leave as much as $026 per visit the administration did not look favorably on this request either over a quarter per test is not fair to the students because luck is a hard find nowadays his line of work is no longer necessary here but the decision was no easier for us than it was for him said human resources director gayle mudd it is unknown as to whether or not sully who has since resigned will look for other means of income fellow aggie icon and dear friend of sully e king gill commented on his recent dismissal from the university as an absolute travesty and an unfortunate loss gill remains optimistic about sullys future however noting that he has all the faith in the world that sully will land on his feet gill who is most revered for his role in establishing texas a&ms 12th man tradition was suspended without pay after his comments but no statement has been made by the university regarding the timetable of his return there is still no word as to whom may take sullys place but we can only wonder if such a firing will cause financial tension amongst other university staff mudd has advised students to continue focusing their efforts on their studies but we at the mugdown know it will not be an easy adjustment as tradition means more to the students than anyone – e king trill

with over 900 potential new members this past fall sororities are feeling the pressure of a growing incoming freshman classes while more members means more resources for philanthropy sororities are starting to worry about their organizational identities with the minimum acceptance rate we really do love so many of the girls that come through recruitment but its so hard to decipher who truly embodies our core values when we only get two minutes to talk to each girl danielle smith comments on her experience last fall with recruitment workshops already in full swing sororities are introducing some new tactics in the selection process to help narrow down the possibilities for this upcoming fall 2015 recruitment week the collegiate panhellenic council (cpc) the coordinating body of the twelve sororities at texas a&m has teamed up with the popular jewelry company kendra scott this allows sororities to scan the names of potential new members into the system and mark out the ones who have made less than three purchases from the company officers within sororities are optimistic about how this data will improve the big-little pairing process the cpc is also introducing a new step in the recruitment process: the starbucks showdown potential new members must study the extensive holiday menu from starbucks and create a drink order that will be judged on number of syllables sugar and calorie content flavor pairings and amount of extra time it takes a barista to make the drink bonus points will be awarded if the barista cannot pronounce the name its going to be an exciting year in the sorority world and we are all anxiously awaiting the day that rush turns into the greek life equivalent of the hunger games until then drink on my friends* -panda expressions *just dont drink too much or youll get sent to standards!

researchers at a&m have discovered the formula for the perfect yell leaders after many years of hard work studying the physics mathematics and theory behind leading yells it was discovered that the single most important attribute of a yell leader is in fact being a white non-denominational christian male after countless tests white non-denominational christian males just have the kind of qualities that make them natural yell leadersits in their blood said head researcher dr john hardy hardy went on to clarify that mormons protestants lutherans and other denominations though undoubtedly great specimens do not make the cut there are a variety of reasons why white christians excel at yell leading: maleness establishes dominance and power; fair skin and large hands aid in nighttime visibility; high cheekbones provide an aerodynamic face conducive for yelling; height for a superior vantage point in order to loom over others and a sonically booming voice that can be heard all the way from the nosebleeds said assistant researcher brian wilson other crucial factors include having exactly one black friend listening to country music being in the corps and acting semi-tolerant of others using a complex sorting algorithm the corps compares the ideal qualities to those of the candidates in order to select the five ideal nominees despite their best efforts the system is not without its flaws there are some kinks that need to be worked out sometimes we get a minority or a lutheran or someone under six feet but we dont know why were just trying our best said dr hardy now only time will tell whether or not popular opinion aligns with science -plug down for watt

outstretched arms unnatural facial expressions and complete lack of social awareness all the symptoms are here for snapchat blindness (scb) this recently discovered disease is taking universities by storm and texas a&m is no exception as a result of the instant photo sharing application students everywhere have been running into objects people and worse we recently talked to a student whose snapchat blindness cost him his future at the request of the student his name will remain anonymous (he still refuses to tell his parents) the student a freshman was headed down military walk after grabbing dinner at sbisa with his friends as usual i began taking a snapchat to share with my pals when something terrible happened and no its not my snapchat score just as i snapped the picture something in the photo caught my eye i looked closer glanced at the ground and realized i was standing in the center of the military walk seal said the student im a third generation aggie so i knew what it meant right away walking on the seal means i will never graduate he said he asked that we share his story so that others may take heed and not be forced to spend a life taking classes working hard while being unable to graduate this terrible disease can lead to all sorts of afflictions including tripping slowed movement and most commonly running into objects directly in front of you everywhere you look students are crashing into objects and one another all blinded by their attempt to take yet another snapchat this is why we need your help you can stop this most experts recommend in order to prevent snapchat blindness (scb) that students not use the app while in motion or in public if scb has affected a friend or a loved one please ask them to do the same use kind language and suggestions such as look out! or wth are you doing with your face anything to keep them from becoming another victim of this cruel disease it is up to you to make a difference it is up to you to save texas a&m -a midsummer nights yell

the msc flag room is a cozy spot frequently visited by students hoping to relax unwind and study the seating options are plentiful the chairs themselves comfortable the lighting moody the decor lovely the atmosphere homey the people friendly and the piano playing beautiful yesterday however it was discovered that the soothing music was perhaps a bit too beautiful for a certain dylan mckinney a junior business major from beaumont texas yes the reason that so many choose to study here has become a cause for distress to the young student you see said mckinney i know the pianist is supposed to be good but this guythis guy was something else as soon as he started playing i stopped my studying and started doubting everything ive ever done the piano has been a staple to the msc flag room since its inception in 1951 in that time thousands of players have graced the pianos keys to play mozart beethoven and the occasional disney when asked to elaborate mckinney simply said i dont know man…ive got a lot of thinking to do this whole college thing may not be good for me strangely mckinney is not alone the music seems to have affected quite a few others all of whom reported similar feelings of despair anguish self-loathing doubt anger and self-pity the mysterious musician has not been found or identified but the school is taking the necessary precautions such as increasing security at every piano at the school to ensure the safety of its students -plug down for watt

after finishing the last episode of paranormal home inspectors senior james werther realized that he had watched the totality of the netflix library there were no shows to be recommended there were no hours to be procrastinated it was finished i kind of have mixed feelings about it i mean it is a pretty big deal to finish netflix but i have no idea what to do with my time now said werther i guess i could try homework but lets be honest for a secondmy options are basically limited to naps and buzzfeed werther has spent the majority of his afternoons and evenings working on his goal of completing the netflix library he suffered through countless documentaries and foreign language dramas but he says it was all worth it to be honest i am proud of my accomplishment said werther it started off as a way to kill time but eventually turned into a passionan obsession now that his goal is completed werther has turned his attention to bigger thingslike the classes he has neglected for the last three and a half years netflix was great but ultimately as a mechanical engineer i think i have some catching up to do said werther im pretty sure i have about three or four textbooks to read and a couple group projects i completely ignored but hey if i can finish netflix i can do literally anything werthers favorite shows include house of cards breaking bad and all seven seasons of gilmore girls during our interview we mentioned that netflix would be adding the third season of house of cards later this month werther was shocked and said well guess i will have to graduate a semester later netflix refused to comment on the accomplishment but we believe werther was the first to complete the entire netflix library werther accepted a job with exxon mobile as a chemical engineer and will be starting work in fall of 2015 -cactus jack

mugdown presents house of koldus by honey bear *house of cards seasons 1 and 2 spoilers below* this is the second part of a two-part series check here to read the first part to house of koldus! scene 4 (inside the senate meeting benigno is standing at a podium at the front as a bunch of camera flashes are going off zoe barnes is among the reporters ready to take notes on a small notebook) joseph benigno: its been a long day for everyone i know that but i think you all know me well enough to have confidence that i would not have called a press conference this late at night unless it was of the utmost importance (benigno begins to open the envelope that murtha gave him earlier) joseph benigno: my team and i have been working all day to get to the bottom of this recount business not an hour ago we found what we were looking for (benigno pulls a small stack of pages out of the envelope holding them up for everyone to see) joseph benigno: these are the transcripts between frank underwood and election commissioner emma douglas discussing at length their plan to stack the sbp votes in franks favor! i have over a dozen pages worth of emails laying out their elaborate scheme (shot of emma douglas she looks nervous and many people are glancing back at her joseph begins reading from the emails) joseph benigno: this is from an email between frank and emma last night: frank the vote is set it will be announced tomorrow evening that you have won the election by a margin of 11 percent sincerely emma douglas i can not stress enough my recommendation to the senate that frank underwoods victory should be immediately nullified and his reputation held in contempt (the room explodes into a fury of camera flashes and questions zoe is seen rapidly jotting notes a pale emma douglas has worked her way to the front of the room) emma douglas:(shaky but resolved) i dont know where joe is getting his information from but i can assure you that i learned the results of the election at the same time as everybody else: after the votes came in reporter: and what about these emails you are accused of emma douglas: they are false im sure as soon as my team is given the chance they will be able to prove the utter lack of validity to these claims (another man has now worked his way through the frenzy to the front of the room) michael murtha: theres no need for that emma douglas: what do you mean michael murtha: i can solve the issue right now (michael pulls out and opens a new sealed envelope he pulls it out and scans the sheet) michael murtha: the recount is in frank did not win by 11 percent (joseph allows himself a slight smile) michael murtha: he won by 13 (the room is in an uproar joseph looks dumbstruck) michael murtha: (with a cheeky smile) and if that isnt proof enough our election commissioner always signs her emails thanks and gig ‘em (as michael holds up the recount sheet for the press to examine emma walks up behind) emma douglas: (in a hushed voice barely audible over the racket being made by senators and reporters) youre working for frank too michael murtha: (still smiling) i am scene 5 (it is now very late at night frank is briskly walking across campus finally heading home for the night he looks like hes fighting the cold with his hands tucked into an overcoat and a hat on his head to keep out the chill) zoe barnes: its clever (frank spins towards the voice) frank underwood: (amused) ms barnes! i cant say im too surprised to see you can i ask whats clever zoe barnes: all of it (she shrugs her shoulders as she thinks over where to start) zoe barnes: you took out both benigno and murtha and no ones caught on yet frank underwood: you think that was my handiwork zoe barnes: i know it was your handiwork benigno took the heat for fabricating evidence against you but as soon as he revealed that murtha gave him the phony proof murtha was dragged down with him not only did you give murtha the means to take down benigno you gave benigno proof that murtha was hacking into senators emails you set them up to take each other out frank underwood: (frank continues along the path he had been walking before) walk with me ms barnes id sure hate to miss the last bus off campus zoe barnes: but thats still only two of your three opposing candidates what about tsau frank underwood: who do you think convinced him to run in the first place zoe barnes: robbing both benigno and murtha of the minority vote and pushing you to the top (frank smiles) zoe barnes: i plan to publish everything first thing tomorrow morning you should prepare a statement frank underwood: can i ask you a question of my own now how did you work it out zoe barnes: i asked the questions an unbiased journalist should ask frank underwood: (looks at the camera with a slight chuckle) this our stop zoe barnes: our- (frank grabs zoe by the shoulders spins her around and throws her in front of an oncoming aggie spirit bus) frank underwood: (spitefully) enjoy the free tuition (cut to black long pause) scene 6 (shot of koldus exterior the sun has risen and is heralding in a new morning students are shuffling to class cut to inside koldus frank walks into his office and sets a copy of the battalion on his desk the headline reads: "underwood elected student body president" underneath is a column detailing joseph's and michael's removals from the student government association and a column detailing the death of a local reporter frank is now alone in his office he runs his hands along his desk in grave contemplation he looks up and stares into the camera after a long pause he bangs his aggie ring twice on the table cut to black democracy is so overrated) follow @bigoldhoneybear

mugdown presents house of koldus by honey bear *house of cards seasons 1 and 2 spoilers below* black screen mugdown presents fades into an intro parodying house of cards with time lapses of various a&m buildings during the intro credits the names of actual student senators and political figures appear on screen last shot is the academic building at night with the title house of koldus and an upside-down tamu flag scene 1 (shot of koldus exterior it is late in the afternoon camera follows a young reporter into koldus as she tries to get a politicians attention) zoe barnes: mr underwood mr underwood! (frank continues his path ignoring the exasperated reporter) zoe barnes: mr underwood a quote for the battalion (frank continues ignoring the reporter) zoe barnes: mr underwood your constituents have no idea whats going on and im starting to believe your campaign team is even more clueless please if i could get just a word from you a quote would go a long way frank underwood: (while still walking) its president underwood now or student body president underwood if you feel so inclined zoe barnes: not until after the recount frank underwood: (dismissively) my staff and i are quite confident that the recount will come back exactly the same this whole business is pure nonsense zoe barnes: 5 for yell seems to disagree care to share what makes you so confident frank underwood: (visibly annoyed) look miss- zoe barnes: -barnes frank underwood: -barnes id like to go back to celebrate with my staff and this is starting to turn into a rather aggressive line of questioning may i ask what makes you so confident the results will come back different zoe barnes: nothing theres turmoil in the senate and chaos across the campus the people have a right to know whats going on these are just the questions an unbiased journalist should be asking your answer mr underwood (frank rolls his eyes at the camera and then turns back to zoe) frank underwood: there's no such thing as an unbiased journalist miss barnes you either have the decency to pretend you don't have a political agenda or you write for the good bull (frank enters a room where his staff is celebrating shutting the door on zoe) scene 2 (inside the party room frank has begun smiling and shaking hands with various members of his team doug stamper appears next to him with a clipboard) doug stamper: (speaking in a brief and quiet voice) kyle kellys on board but i cant get reid to budge frank underwood: thats unusual reid always backs kyle trouble in paradise doug stamper: not quite the two still seem to be on good terms frank underwood: why do you say that doug stamper: they still have plans tonight to play trivia crack together frank underwood: a ploy then doug stamper: i believe so frank underwood: but why would they split the power of the machine doug stamper: im not sure but i plan to find out (doug turns starting to walk away) frank underwood: ill have my phone on me (doug now leaves frank steps towards the camera talking to the audience as he works through his thoughts) frank underwood: every machine has a purpose a well-defined easily predictable purpose and that purpose can only be fulfilled when every gear every cog works in perfect unison but what happens when the machine turns in opposite directions (meechum walks up in a corps uniform frank snaps out of his thought-daze breaking eye contact with the camera and turning to face meechum) frank underwood: ah meechum i was just about to find you edward meechum: hello sir i should congratulate you frank underwood: thank you but not yet meechum i still have work to do (frank gets a text from doug) doug stamper text: murthas making his move (frank turns to meechum) frank underwood: meechum do you remember what i told you when you started this job edward meechum: that i would be a rock i absorb nothing say nothing and nothing breaks me frank underwood: good lets take a walk (meechum and frank leave the party) scene 3 (murtha and benigno meet they are inside all faiths chapel the sun has now gone down and the chapel is dark with the exception of a few candles that are starting to flicker low murtha sits in the pew behind benigno talking to him but not making eye contact) michael murtha: joseph joseph benigno: michael michael murtha: thank you for meeting with me joseph benigno: whyd you bring me out here no one uses this building michael murtha: exactly i know how to get the upperhand on frank joseph benigno: (intrigued) how michael murtha: he thinks im working for him joseph benigno: what does he want michael murtha: he stacked the votes joseph benigno: everyone knows that thats why 5 demanded the recount michael murtha: 5 for yells working for frank too joseph benigno: hold up why would frank call a recount on himself michael murtha: he knew simply stacking the votes would be questioned so he wanted to make sure that when the votes were recounted it was on his own terms joseph benigno: that brings me back to my original question: why are you telling me this why didnt you team up with isaiah michael murtha: i did isaiah was supposed to secure the minority vote then when the timing was right he was supposed to drop out of the race and endorse me as sbp with the minority vote in my pocket i would have had enough support to take on anyone even you joseph benigno: but something went wrong michael murtha: the time came for him to drop but instead he stayed in the race he got the ridiculous notion he could actually compete tsau flew too close to the sun and now hes surprised hes been burnt and if it werent for frank youre the candidate who would have actually won the election the campus knows a machine candidate when they see one you have the most pull if you lead the charge against frank the student body will rally behind you im not a fan of yours but im even less of a fan of franks joseph benigno: you expect me to just believe that if you work for frank as you claim how am i supposed to trust you michael murtha: i dont i just need you to believe that im not stupid enough to think frank would actually make a better sbp than you joseph benigno: the problem still stands though: we have no proof michael murtha: you have no proof i do i work for frank together we can bring him down (murtha stands up genuflects and before turning away drops a small but thick envelope in the collection basket sitting at the end of benignos pew murtha shoots off a text as he walks out of the chapel) michael murtha text: benigno has the proof (benigno opens the envelope and after mumbling a quick prayer walks out of the chapel however the camera stays on the door after a long moment we dont see him but we hear franks voice) frank underwood: theres nothing sadder than a man scrambling to cling to what little power he has to an ambitious man power is the light at the end of the tunnel it consumes all thought hope and desire he is so focused on the light he fails to even glance at the darkness (frank steps out of the shadows walking towards the camera to close-up frank now fills the frame) frank underwood: but darkness is where the true power lies to be continued this is the first part of a two-part series click here to read the shocking conclusion to house of koldus! follow @bigoldhoneybear

the mugdowns i am gig the vote (and so can you!) a one stop guide to the sbp elections this is the best time of the year to be in the mugdown its basically our christmas many of you may be tired of having people yell at you and run around wearing matching shirts but not us we get a weird sort of high from it well…from that and the adderall weve been taking to crank out these election articles however we know not everyone loves elections and could care less who represents our school as yell leader or student body president we wont even get you started on student senate thats why weve put together this comprehensive voting guide for you now if you want to stay off campus to avoid the incoming election hysteria you can and you will still be able to be an informed voter without further ado here is way more information than you ever wanted about a bunch of people you will probably never meet now do we just expect you to take our advice blindly and vote for who we tell you yes vote here: votetamuedu feel free to write in the mugdown <3 honey bear and the mugdown staff

it was revealed today that isaiah tsau junior marketing major and student body president candidate hired all members of his campaign team from rice university throughout his campaign tsau has stressed the importance of diversity on campus and in local leadership his crowning achievement was assembling the first campaign staff in texas a&m history with no caucasian students now tsaus staff and his integrity are under question by the student body when i think of a&m i dont think of maroon and white said tsau i think of maroon and black and brown and yellow i wanted my campaign team to reflect that vision and it just was not feasible to find enough socially active and politically minded individuals here in aggieland i really thought we would get away with it said daniel wong a childhood friend of tsaus and his head campaign manager isaiah always told me about his dream of a more culturally diverse a&m and i just could not say no to helping him achieve it he is really persuasive texas a&m is over 60 percent white though a stroll through west campus makes that number seem closer to 80 or 90 percent tsau chose rice university because of its proximity to a&m and the fact that the campus is less than 40 percent white most of his team are friends from back home but he also hand picked a few ringers political scandals like this are historically hard to come back from so the mugdown asked tsau what this scandal means for his team and himself well i guess they wont need to keep using the fake (aggie) ids i made for them which is a plus said tsau unfortunately it also might hurt my senators chance to get elected but i already figured that would be an uphill battle what with them still taking classes at rice and all -cactus jack

an empire may rise and fall but one thing will always remain the same: for every sith there is an apprentice student body presidents past refer to this as the rule of two i have had a successful career leading the aggie empire but my time is drawing to a close said emperor kyle kelly i have been grooming darth benigno for this role from a young age soon his power will eclipse mine and i shall become expendable when he is ready to claim the mantle of dark lord as his own he must do so by eliminating me joseph benignos close ties to emperor kelly are not unknown to citizens of the empire old souls of the campus may still remember the stand with kyle hes hostile campaign of yesteryear and can see its faint reflection in the current go with joe let the dark side grow campaign while darth benigno has been apprenticed to emperor kelly for a year now some suspect he has been following the same path to the dark side forged by emperor kelly years ago not only were both members of the dark brotherhood of christian aggies darth benigno has been emperor kellys executive vice president emperor in much the same way that a young emperor kelly was apprenticed as executive vice president emperor to former student body emperor reid joseph however emperor kelly has not been darth benignos only inspiration the way of the sith is as age-old as it is reliable darth benigno follows the ancient and occult path blazed by numerous former student body emperors involved in the order of the fish aides this list includes sith lord greats like mark gold ‘09 eric beckham ‘10 jacob robinson ‘11 john claybrook ‘13 and reid joseph ‘14 darth benigno has set up a strong strategy but it will be up to voters to decide if the fate of the empire will be left to the dark side or the light this election season -honey bear

questions surrounding the details of michael murthas unification council have led mugdown investigators to uncover a shocking plot: murthas unification council is actually an elaborate ploy to gather all of the schools leaders and eliminate them in one fell swoop he calls it the maroon wedding said a student leader who wished to remain anonymous in order to protect his/her safety he says the only way to become the supreme leader of texas a&m is to eliminate those who stand in his way current student body president kyle kelly said that this is the most brilliant political move he has seen over the course of his entire career my biggest regret as student body president is not thinking of it first kelly said i have been ignored by students reporting to other ‘presidents for too long its about time all this work the student body president puts into campaigning pays off this bold strategy has faced significant resistance rusty thompson director of student activities does not think it will pay off in the long run for murtha ive seen what that kind of power can do to a young ambitious man thompson said once he has a taste of it he will be unstoppable the rumors have brought mixed reactions from the students junior architecture major trevor davidson thinks that this unification of power will bring about some much-needed changes i think the improvement will be almost instant first off the color coordination of our students is abysmal we cant have fish camp carpool and all the flos wearing neon while the corps wears khaki and the greeks wear pastels davidson said we need to start enforcing some uniformity sophomore political science major jane white worried about what sort of precedent this move would set for the student leadership at a&m how long does he plan to stay in power said white will the next election be a simple vote or will a candidate have to overthrow murtha murtha shared his simple goal when asked to comment one school one spirit one voice murtha said i will be that one voice -war hymnal

dear lonely lighter so like my ex-boyfriend is totally a tool this past valentines day he was running late for our date which was like weird so i went over to his house to surprise him with the cookies i had made well like the real surprise was on me when i walked in on him making out with this total thot im like totally heartbroken and embarrassed that i ever dated this jerk but mostly im just really mad i really want to like repay him for all the misery he caused me and like just do something to get over it i just need like a good plan how are you with revenge thanks hell hath no fury dear woman scorned wow from the way you talk about him this guy sounds like a real winnerthe kind of guy that has truck balls and and wears a flat-bill while he smokes a blunt with his side chick first off dont beat yourself up over having dated a loser *insert encouraging quote about how if you have to get poked by a few thorns before you pick the rose* now revenge thats an idea i can sink my teeth into i may or may not have a few experiences with ideas on this subject… the im so over you picture get dressed up make sure your eyebrows are on fleek go out with all of your prettiest friends meet a really really hot guy and take a picture with him that looks like youre having the best time of your life then post that ish all over facebook instagram twitter maybe even print it out and tape it to his door theres nothing that feels quite like making him think youre winning the break up the accidental but not really text text him on a friday or saturday (because those are obviously date nights) saying something like hey! whats the plan for tonight when he replies or even if he hasnt responded in about 20 minutes tell him oh my gosh i am so sorry that was supposed to be for someone else! have a nice life this lets him know you are cute and fun and have plans but mostly that you are so done talking to him forever the lets grab lunch not-date since this guy is an egotistical jerk he probably expects you to still be mourning the fact you are no longer with mr most amazing man in the world the hook: feed his ego and send a flirty text like hey you i was wondering if we could get lunch sometime i have some stuff i want to talk to you about ;) dont forget the winky face that is easily the most important step the line: when you meet up for lunch flirt a little touch his arm bat your eyes smile softly until he asks what you came to sayremember he thinks you want him to get back together with you and the sinker: you start asking him for advice in this new relationship that youre about to be start with jeff like he sent me flowers this week isnt that a little forward okay im sorry im rambling when i really came here for your opinion the awkward run-in to uninvited third wheel outing so i hate to say it but the cheater has probably moved on at this point its okay we can use this to your advantage this plan requires a little pre-stalking follow him around for about a week to gather intel if he ever leaves his phone unattended this is your chance steal it and see when and where he made plans with his new fling casually run into him and the girl on his date dont be shy pull up a chair and dive into that story about how you had to help him apply cream to that unfortunately placed rash that one time turn to him is that all cleared up now pat his back and walk out the is now a bad time to tell you that i have mono phone call now this one will only work if you were recently in a relationship and compared to the week long im late and it could be yours prank this one is beautiful in its simplicity extend his agony and go with the mono bitthe virus has to set up shop in your body for four to seven weeks before you show symptomsdont leave out that detail for the next four to seven weeks he will just be waiting to wake up with a fever feeling miserable the eggs-actly what you needed plan you know what is both delicious and high in cholesterol eggs but hey youre trying to get revenge here you have no time for cholesterol what you do have time for is an elaborate prank go to his house with a ladder some screws ceiling hooks rope and a bucket of eggs screw the hook in the ceiling right outside the door and hang the bucket of eggs from the hook tie the rope through a little hole in the side of the bucket bucket at one end and to the door handle at the other the next morning when he walks out his door he will have some unexpected eggs benedict for breakfast and a reeking mess to clean up the get him really drunk and take him to a tattoo parlor branding find some excuse to go out and get smashed use a flask to add extra shots to all of his drinks just to be sure he gets really really drunk stay sober and offer to give him a ride home but instead take him to a tattoo parlor and convince him to let you design a new tat for him now here comes the fun part: have the artist tattoo your name phone number or even caricature of yourself right onto the tramp stamp region take him home tuck him in and wait until one of his friends discovers his new tattoo the carrie underwood reenactment purchase a baseball bat and a sharp knife maybe even a machete or an axe use your key to draw a lovely-sunset-over-the-mountains scene on the side of his pretty little souped-up four-wheel drive carve your name or a hate letter with the knife into his leather seats smash in his headlights with that louisville slugger use the machete or axe to slash every last tire run away before anyone sees maybe next time hell think before he cheats the maybe its illegal but he totally had it coming for him first degree revenge so this one is admittedly risky basically what youre going to do is murder him first things first get a good alibi and do not do anything onlinepeople always track this stuff also buy everything with cash and burn all receipts throw a huge party at your house invite him and his girlfriend whom you have recently become bffs with because that in and of itself is good revenge and takes suspicion off you because who kills their ex when they like their exs new fling sneak rohypnol into his drink when he starts getting decently tipsy send him and another one of his ex-girlfriends into the woods behind your house to collect firewood make sure people see them walk off together he needs to make it to the woods but pass out while hes out there so that she will need to come back in to get help this is when you sneak out into the woods be quick make sure the music is still loud inside so thats all people will hear wear the hairnet you stole from the cafeteria and put on those gloves you bought from goodwillboth will hopefully have other peoples dna still on them to throw the cops off your scent take out the gun you bought from a thug in the ghetto and pull the trigger pour gasoline over his body and light it with a match from a matchbook you picked up at a restaurant where you never eat stay clandestine thats it basically if you want to stand over his burning body and laugh maniacally for a second go for it just dont take too long to return to the partythe alibi remember despite popular opinion revenge is not a dish best served served cold but lightly broiled over your past flames best of luck xoxo lonely lighter

texas a&m students will be receiving a tasty surprise this spring as the corps of cadets has recently unveiled its newest fundraiser: corps scout cookies™ inspired by the girl scouts of america who began their cookie cartel in 1917 the corps of cadets hope that their product will not only generate revenue but bring joy and delicious memories to texas a&ms campus the idea originated when josh turner a senior petroleum engineering major and member of the corps noticed a girl scout peddling her wares on campus after doing some research i was amazed to find out how much money they make on those cookies turner said if they can do it so can we turner took his idea to col glenn starnes assistant commandant for operations & training who immediately recognized the potential this business model is an ideal fit for the corps of cadets as there are actually quite a few similarities between us and the girl scouts of america starnes said we both wear uniforms learn valuable life skills and are generally seen as children by society as a whole corps scout cookies™ are expected to make their debut sometime this march and will be sold at tables around campus as well as by freshman corps members who will be going door to door in the various dorms as of now three flavors have been announced: piss heads whip outs and corps turds additionally the corps of cadets have issued a statement regarding how the revenue from this fundraiser will be allocated profits will go to: five for yell the reveille ix selection committee new equipment for the fighting texas aggie band and (as designated by tamu student senate) the glbt resource center we believe that corps scout cookies™ will soon be another sacred tradition here at texas a&m starnes said during the fundraisers announcement its never been sweeter to be an aggie -riffety raff

a mysterious hacker group seeking to blackmail the administration at texas a&m recently discovered a series of emails linking to secret documents from 1951 which detail the shocking reason behind the existence of the memorial student center what they found was so disturbing that they chose not to seek money for their revelations but to post the emails publicly in hopes that students would see the truth the student center was never intended to be a memorial to save money texas a&m university built the student center over what remained of a minefield from the mexican-american war the ground was considered dangerous by local government and was off-limits to citizens but as a state university a&m did not have to obey local law only state it is unknown how many mines remain undetonated or how many of the duds are actually safe the leaked emails are a correspondence between interim president mark a hussey and our next president michael young in which hussey briefs young on the history and traditions of this university however it seems that not all of the history is public according to the documents the only way [the administration in 1951] figured they could keep [students] off the grass was by saying it was memorial grass hussey states in his alleged email honestly im surprised it worked for so long i mean i get honor and all but seriously its grass how is grass in any way valuable to fallen soldiers or grieving families hussey goes on to warn young about how times have changed now they walk all over it usually to hold up a banner sometimes they need to shorten their trip to the msc door i guess i understand summer or early in the fall semester when its blisteringly hot but when its 70 degrees would that extra two feet really kill them whats funny is not walking the extra two feet to avoid the grass might actually literally kill them youre going to have to put out a lot of fires if an accident happens especially since the explosion would probably light some stuff on fire hussey said the relaxed if not lackadaisical tone of husseys email is respectful compared to youngs short reply really banners young said the mugdown has reached out to mark a hussey and michael young but neither has commented the university is in panic university representatives are distancing themselves in any way they can and students are disturbed and terrified at this knowledge: just not disturbed and terrified enough to hold their banner on the sidewalk stay safe readers zero dark eighty

there is a spirit that can neer be told

there she stood five foot six inches holding an eight foot banner illustrated in blue white and green unable to distinguish the purpose of the event from the banner i approached the lady in white converse and an xl t-shirt to discover the meaning of abusing such a nice bedsheet a freshman whose sorority wishes to go unnamed sydney corningstone the banner-holder proved to be of little assistance i dont know what it is for exactly it seems to be a big deal some sort of ‘big event one of my sisters asked me to help and i just wanted to brighten up everyones day with my infectious smile ms corningstone said well no one was amused least of all this reporter who was determined to get to the bottom of her blissful ignorance why did she obliviously sign up to hold a banner how many times had she held that banner or untold other banners how many other things did she not know why are converse popular again the speculation was driving me mad ms corningston knew nothing yet there she stood holding the banner just as she undoubtedly held other perverse lies and dark secrets her infectious smile with her beautiful dark dusky hair and dreamy eyes were clearly a ruse to distract this sleuth from unraveling the truth of her conspiracy after a stakeout of her residence this investigator discovered that she visited a plantation style house on athens drive several times a week the white grecian columns supporting the front deck gave it a pristine look too pristine oh sydney shes a real carefree type she always does stuff on the spur of the moment her roommate rachel coughton said when asked about the conspiracy ms coughton said who are you again are you that guy who has been liking all of [sydneys] photos get out of here! clearly she was trying to cover up the perfidious machinations concocted by the whole lot of them just as this gumshoe gets close they slam the door on him one thing is for certain this detective will not quit he will search out the truth like the love of his life depended on it -bellamy partridge

follow @bigoldhoneybear

since its founding in 1947 the central intelligence agency has been dedicated to the promotion of freedom and american ideals throughout the world from behind the soviet iron curtain to the doorstep of the taliban their operatives specialize in wresting vestiges of freedom from under the oppressive boot of tyranny some of their most publicized work has been the toppling of militaristic regimes and encouraging free elections in the ever expanding free world now where might these sentinels of freedom have declared their latest victory north korea cuba afghanistan it is actually resting right under your nose – literally the cia vanquished an enemy of freedom right here in college station for far too long the corps of cadets have been stifling our free speech year after year we are given the illusion of an election living under the guise that we have a say into who will lead yells at our beloved kyle field our votes have been ignored and our first amendment rights ripped apart by their khaki brand of militaristic oppression they claim election after election keeping the white jumpsuits securely in the quads closets our silent struggles have not gone unseen by those in the clandestine service for years one of them has served among us: james olson officially retired after 25 years in the cia his final assignment was to undermine the oppression of 5 for yell posing as a professor he cozied up to various officers and commandants in order to topple their militaristic control though his exact methods are still shrouded behind red tape there is one fact in which we can take solace in we are free no longer will our ballots be shackled by the chains of five for yell our yell leaders can be whoever we want them to be with five for yell out of the way people like steven lanz and (insert other names here) finally have a prayer protected under democracys wings next fall when you see yell leaders with hair longer than half an inch remember the true american heroes people like james olsen who tire away in the shadows to thwart tyranny and help those who cannot help themselves god bless you all and god bless texas a&m university -beutel call

upon the announcement in september regarding the approaching retirement of reveille viii a search began to find the right collie to fill aggielands first ladys position interim president mark hussey selected tom reber interim vice-president for student affairs to head a 12-member selection committee to choose a young collie who could serve several years as the universitys mascot the dog would need to be able to handle crowds by the thousands as well as the stress associated with being the most famous face on campus while the committee has met for a few introductory meetings the full membership had not been publicly announced until a university memorandum from last fall was recently released the committee includes a diverse group of students administrators and outside experts the members of the selection committee are: tom reber committee chair interim vice-president for student affairs mark hussey interim president roy may 15 yell leader cesar millan renowned dog trainer deanna bosse 13 president of maroon coats rick perry 72 former governor kyle kelly 14 student body president barbara bush former first lady literacy advocate author hannah weger 15 speaker of the student senate scott evetts 15 commander of company e-2 (mascot company) condoleezza rice ncaa football playoff committee member glen a laine vice president for research some have voiced concern why experts from outside the university have been included in the committee when choosing members for the panel mark [hussey] and i both agreed that having a diverse and unbiased group would give us the most thorough oversight into the selection process said vice president reber cesar millan the titular star of the hit television show dog whisperer with cesar milan was asked to join the team due to his extensive work with rehabilitating dogs former secretary of state condoleezza rice was invited due to her recent involvement with the new college football playoff committee while former first lady barbara bush joined the team due to her work training their dog millie to handle similar stresses of living in the white house the committee expects to have reveille ix selected in time for final review in may the corps ceremony which marks the transition of leadership into the next year -north by north gate

instead of being welcomed back to northgate with open arms and giant soon-to-be-washed-off sharpie xs on the back of their hands students looking to extend winter break for a few more days were greeted by a locked door and a feeling of disappointment and sadness schotzis one of college stations longest standing and most well renowned establishments had closed over the winter break nobody knew it was going to happen there were no warning signs we just came back and it was gone said senior business major will higgins best known for tuesday night karaoke and that blue drink with a lot of booze in it schotzis has been an integral part of the normal t-shirt tuesday routine for many underage members of the college station area some of my best tuesday nights have started off at schotzis watching my friends belt out those classic karaoke songs we have all come to know and love where are we supposed to pregame for sake and foundations after the pregame at my friend jakes house now the bryan/college station area has suffered a real loss over this break said junior aerospace engineering major casey brooks rumors about what new establishment will take the place of this legendary bar have been circulating including a two story mega panda express or a second halo location but nothing has been confirmed schotzis will be sorely missedby employees and its many patrons whom it helped and inspired to forget about their stage fright but as schotzis looks down from college bar heaven it should know that it has made the gates of north proud funeral information for the bar and the parts of your dignity that may have been lost on the premises while attending will be released soon for contributing to some of our best nights and our worst mornings we love you schotzis -maco ovo queso polo *the mugdown as a student organization does not support underage drinking beer is bad alcohol is of the devil never under any circumstances should you drink underage

zelsas law: every ten minutes a song from the legend of zelda is played in the msc flag room if a song from the legend of zelda fails to play a song from frozen will be played instead follow @bigoldhoneybear

with the conclusion of the add/drop period class rosters have been finalized and new statistics indicate a sharp increase in the number of muslim students in mays business schools isys programs many students are now posing the question: is the movement peaceful or something more hostile isys specialists proved an effective force last september when they overtook the business career fair while the muslim student association publicly denounced isys extremism that did not stop many students from voicing concern over the recent spike in isys activity on campus regarding the infiltration of isys in university career fairs billy ray jackson senior agribusiness major and member of the aggie conservatives claimed that they took our hijobs! a troubling sign for students looking to get a leg up at next weeks business career fair when confronted on their recent activities the muslim student association stated that their only event this semester thus far has been making sandwiches at the brazos valley food bank hardly a week into the semester and they admit to a clear attempt at hijacking bryans volunteer hours from hardworking finance and management students it is no wonder tensions between the universitys muslim population and business majors are at an all time high how does texas a&m respond by cutting funds and resources from other locations most notably the department of finance and reallocating them to the growing isys training programs or courses as the university prefers to call them thanks to university funding isys has become one of the fastest growing sects on campus upon completion isys graduates leave these programs with the leadership and technical skills to overrun offices and small workplaces it is a true tragedy when isys clears out employment opportunities from hard-working american students these hijinks hijack hirees hijobs -honey bear

as the new semester begins students across campus are as usual looking to the quad with wide eyes and bated breath all of these preternaturally open eyes were on dr anne reber current interim director of student life and director of disability services at texas a&m as she reviewed the current state of hazing in the corps of cadets dr reber has the power to alter regulations concerning hazing among student organizations this has long been a controversial subject among both the khaki clad members of our campus and those who exercise their right of free dress yesterday dr reber delivered a stunning proclamation as of spring 2015 the corps of cadets will be required to stop shaking hands in order to cut back on hazing thats right the ubiquitous greeting of clasping hands will be included in the list of acts that: endangers the mental or physical health or safety of a student or that destroys or removes public or private property; and/or assisting directing or in any way causing others to participate in degrading behavior and/or behavior that causes ridicule humiliation or embarrassment; and/or engaging in conduct which tends to bring the reputation of the organization group or university into disrepute for the purpose of initiation admission into affiliation with or as a condition for continued membership in a group or organization; or as part of any activity of a recognized student organization student group corps of cadets corps outfit corps unit or corps special activities previously relied upon traditions (including corps fraternity/sorority or any other group or organization activity practice or tradition) intent of such acts or coercion by current or former student leaders of such groups or former students will not suffice as a justifiable reason for participation in such acts it is not a defense that the person (or group) against whom the hazing was directed consented to or acquiesced to the behavior in question …according to the universitys definition of hazing this decision will affect all members of the corps freshmen will no longer be required to approach upperclassmen and shout all manner of biographical information to the intently listening quad but neither will upperclassmen be allowed to shake hands with others we do not want any members to feel ostracized or put down by anything shaking hands will be prohibited within corps units in order to create a community of acceptance and inclusion dr reber said the corps staff supports the decision saying that hazing has gone unattended on the quad for far too long that such a form of hazing as pernicious as shaking hands has gone unchecked for so long is utterly unacceptable dr reber said shaking her head the new regulations will be forcefully enforced beginning spring 2015 anyone caught shaking hands will be reviewed by a jury of their peers you can be sure that we will push for expulsion dr reber said senior business honors major david trigg has come out in support of the new mandate we need to protect our tradition of respect and discipline this is just a new way to do that trigg said trigg acknowledged that the changes might be difficult for some to follow this was a thing that had regrettably become so commonplace in our culture i know that some cadets will have a hard time letting go of it trigg said trigg suggested students take precautions to avoid accidental hand shaking as you can see ive constructed a sling to keep my hand safely tied at my chest this way there is no temptation on either side trigg said with a beaming smile though generally supported this verdict has sparked outrage among some students sophomore cadet philosophy major and self proclaimed free spirit kyle steed said they are just being way too militaristic -revelicious

it is a new semester here at texas a&m and the first breakaway of the year was last tuesday everyone knows what that means: new breakaway backpack tags an essential part of the typical christian outfit you can usually spot these white and blue tags on just about any north face columbia or patagonia backpack however this morning jared young a sophomore communication major realized his tag was missing after retracing his steps and checking both mugwalls and his accountability partners house he realized it was officially lost without his tag as a constant reminder young began to question whether or not he was truly a christian obviously i am still a christian i think he said but i just cant get over the fact that no one else will know i am a believer many christians though they wont admit it consider their breakaway tag to be a part of the armor of god it is a way for them to not only prove how christian they are but it also serves as a way to reach the lost each of them knows that one day someone will ask what the tag means and the gospel can be shared it hasnt actually happened yet but that is why it is called faith without his tag jared young fears he could be ostracized from the christian bubble worst of all he has no idea which weeks breakaway will be held at olsen or simpson drill field as part of his social media fast he wont have access to the ministrys facebook twitter or instagram it is one thing to lose the tag but if i dont know where breakaway is and i miss a week then im definitely not a christian young said as of press young managed to dig up last semesters backpack tag which he believes should be enough to prevent judgment until he can pick up an extra one tonight at olsen field at 9 pm -cactus jack and duncan dough

for those who have not seen the news the french satirical magazine charlie hebdo was attacked at their paris office on wednesday jan 7th 2015 12 people including four cartoonists and two police officers were killed by islamist militants we at the mugdown stand alongside charlie hebdo and our fellow satire organizations across the globe for the freedom of expression and against the brutality of fear the cruel attack will not be forgotten here the mugdown

howdy ags it has been a heck of a first year for us we have done a lot and now we are ready to grow again this upcoming semester we are looking to expand our team over the last year we have had numerous people ask us how they can get involved if you are one of those wondering how you can be a part of this now is your chance we are looking for new writers graphic designers and web designers if you have experience with adobe photoshop adobe illustrator pens and other writing utensils or maybe even feel that you have something to contribute to the mugdown that we have not mentioned we would like to invite you to fill out this application and email it to [email protected] we will be accepting applications throughout the winter break starting today 12/22/2014 at 5:00 pm until the second friday of the semester 1/30/2015 at 11:59 pm* if you have any questions please do not hesitate to reach out to us by e-mail mugdown application 2 ps remember our members are anonymous so it is a requirement that you dont let others know you are applying for updates on what we are up to follow us on twitter and like us on facebook! also check out our new writers from the last round of applications: marco ovo queso polo north by north gate duncan dough zero dark eighty silver tapioca follow @mugdown

it has been a long semester for many aggies at texas a&m university after fighting through finals students are now bracing themselves for extensive periods of time spent with younger siblings and weird aunts it is during this time that we like to stop and reflect on the semester as a whole so if you would please join us for a journey through time back to the distant land of august put on your sweatbands and your favorite yoga playlist its time to meditate on life 1 the mugdown sold out… …and became an officially recognized student organization it marked the end of an era and the start of a whole new one many people asked why we would do such a thing was it for money yes however we think there was a part of us that enjoyed the irony of letting us officially represent the university it felt good doing something neither the battalion nor the the good bull had accomplished it felt right 2 the mugdown helped new students choose the right flos and sororities for them if there is one thing that defines fall semesters it is the tidal wave of freshmen that washes over campus like 5k fliers it does not take long before they seem to permeate every corner of university grounds as veterans of freshman year we felt it our duty to help them find their place through flo charts and flow charts 3 torchys tacos opened in college station in texas there is only one objective way to gauge the quality of a city: tacos college station boasted prowess in the taco arena with fuego many lesser cities hung their heads in shame but not austin no not austin it came as no surprise to aggies that our long-time rivals short-time no affiliations over in austin would have a taco joint that could go toe-to-toe with our fuego the war that would come would split friendships and families it was a war the likes of which this earth had not seen since the great caines versus laynes debates 4 new kyle field was nervous for its first time there was a lot of pressure on kyle field this football season after years of hype it finally began the facelift it had been planning while not complete the new kyle fields unveiling was a sign of things to come many current and former students cried and most were tears of joy! 5 rices middle school improv group returned to kyle field there is a legend in texas it is not shouted from rooftops like the legacies of the alamo or rick perry instead it is whispered borne across hill country and bluebonnet fields by those of us who still remember this legend is that of the marching owl band the legend of the mob they came to kyle field decades ago with the most offensive jokes in the state starting a riot before being evacuated from the stadium after many long years they had returned 6 the mugdown tailgate: our graphical preview of the bye week it is no secret this football season was a hard one for aggies our good friends over at good bull hunting had a hard time coping with the shock they needed someone to step up for them as they spent a week or fourteen in tears they needed someone who thrives on negative emotion who positively rejoices when things have gone to hell they needed professionals they needed…the mugdown 7 reveille got pregnant as if our players abilities on the field this season was not a big enough scandal already our mascot had to go and get knocked up while the university has made no official statement on who the father is they did announce reveille would be retiring after this season so she could spend more time with her pups 8 peta and the westboro baptist church protested a&m it is not easy being in the spotlight with all the publicity texas a&m has received over the last couple years there was bound to be some backlash and we found the heaviest hitters in the arena: peta and the westboro baptist church 9 the 14 best aggie halloween costumes finally something on this list that was not offensive or scandalous or at least these costumes were scandalous in the good kind of way always eager to help people get into the holiday spirit we released our recommendations of 14 different aggie icons you could turn into a sexy costume 10 the fourth floor flasher violated evans sonofa- this list was just starting to get positive again then some guy has to take the wear-as-little-clothing-as-possible idea just a little too far the worst part was it wasnt even just one guy there was a whole group of them! this was a thing for weeks apparently the fourth floor flashers even ventured into the fifth floor at times at least their alliteration was consistent 1 1 #clickbaitweek we figured selling out to the university was not enough we needed to sell out our standards as well for a full week (and then some) we released nothing but the most clickbait-y articles we could muster top 10 cutest corps guys on campus check libel against ut tu check leaked photos of reveille topless check 12 the academic building was renamed the governor rick perry ‘72 building maybe what building is more loved at texas a&m than the academic building and what governor is less loved at texas a&m than rick perry there has been a lot of mudslinging going around saying the university sold out and is only doing this because rick perry has pretty much put every regent on the board and this could be a great way to get more funding from a man known for cutting education funding but that is not fair rick perry is giving the commencement speech on friday and are we just going to show our thanks by not naming our most iconic building after him 13 we started a rave in the library: #clubannex there were a lot of diligent students in the library studying for finals this last week seeing that many students be productive made us feel weird almost proud of our campus we hated it 14 the class of 2014 graduated at least one good thing came out of the university this year we are going to miss the class of 2014 but we are not taking it personally it has been a wild ride we have no idea if the real world is going to be able to match all the excitement we have had together here at texas a&m while you move on we will continue to grow here literally metaphorically maybe even metaphysically as our relationship comes to an end we suppose that makes us single again…huh so go on class of 2014 and make your university proud while we hold down the fort here! class of 2018 is actually starting to grow on us love the mugdown

it was announced earlier today that texas a&m university is considering renaming campuss iconic academic building after texas governor and former yell leader rick perry current and former students alike have voiced a wide variety of opinions on the matter since the news broke earlier today in order to help the board of regents come to a decision that accurately reflects the diverse beliefs of texas a&m university the mugdown asks you to lend your voice by choosing one of the many diverse opinions we heard across campus today that accurately reflects your personal stance on the decision [polldaddy poll=8529525] we thank you for your time honey bear and the mugdown staff

did we mention we hosted #clubannex the video recap of our rave in the library is live! video edited by honey bear follow @bigoldhoneybear follow @mugdown follow @clubannextamu

lack of sleep actually improves focus! scientists report that replacing sleep with studying has shown higher test scores! its called brain focus redirection basically whatever energy would have been put into sleep is redirected and put purely into helping you cram and memorize that fleeting information! starbucks doubleshot espresso: a healthy alternative to breakfast! thats right proven by health and nutrition researchers at harvard you can now drink starbucks instead of an actual meal it includes all the vitamins and energy you need for a sufficient breakfast all in the convenience of a tiny overpriced can its like a meal but in a can multitasking works! through a scientific process called neuromultization your brain operates more efficiently thinking about many different tasks allowing it to work at a much faster speed! by browsing twitter reading powerpoint notes and scanning through your textbook simultaneously you can maximize your study time! take study breaks every 15 minutes! theres nothing more rewarding after a hardcore studying spree of 15 minutes than to check your newest instagram facebook and twitter posts for another 30 minutes! by doing short bursts of studying your brain essentially works in a sprinting method it sprints with its energy then must recover for another sprint this theory is derived from marathon runners as an efficient strategy amongst runners is the sprint-and-walk method cram cram cram! your brain can only retain information for so long; remember that thing about elephants in the first tip exactly you already forgot while the sprinting method is studying it can work both ways take a 2 hour break right before your 1 hour study sprint! this works most efficiently when your test is within a few hours of first opening up your notes this sense of urgency sends shockwaves through the brain allowing it to focus on retaining information! this process is called the mentaltime continuum your brain realizes the time remaining until the test and practically puts your body into autopilot! youll be aceing that final without even knowing what youre doing! good luck and remember these tips to make sure you pass those exams! -duncan dough

the mugdown has received an email from an anonymous source last night with racy pictures of a&ms first lady without her trademark shawl please be advised that these pictures are extremely nsfw via darstamuedu a candid shot of miss rev on campus without her top sometimes even mascots have to resort to desperate measures to pay for college tuition via amazonawscom skinny dipping at lake bryan via flickrcom even cadet generals party too hard and lose their tops via amazonawscom trying to hide her nakedness with a hat we see you miss rev… via burdrcom oops! passed out sunbathing! via carthageagriculturepbworkscom hot or cold this collie sure loves to bare it all! -silver tapioca

1 math 409 – advanced calculus this class is basically just proofs right you know what there is no proof for bigfoot now that would be a hard class 2 mgmt 211 – business law tort law kind of sounds like turtle thats fun right turtles swim! oh god not swim 3 meen 363 – dynamics and vibration i mean how complicated are vibrations really plenty of things vibrate my xbox controller vibrates all the time and i am freaking great at xbox 4 phys 208 – electricity and optics you might remember this one from freshman year … or from the recurring nightmares that just wont seem to go away does the smiling lightning bolt make things any better 5 chem 328 – organic chemistry ii how hard is it to draw hexagons i was drawing parallelograms in first grade 6 acct 327 – financial reporting if i can account to 10 then i can account to 327 yawn try accounting to 1000 7 nuen 418 – fuel assembly and 3-d reactor core design and modeling no jokes here this class sounds like hell 8 rpts 371 – skills for youth development oh you think this one is just a joke huh you ever tried raising kids i didnt think so this class is a full time job for like billions of people this should be core curriculum 9 mgdn 215 – intro to satire writing literally no one on our staff passed this class do with that what you will just dont judge –cactus jack shameful self promotion: follow us on facebook and twitter (@mugdown) for more stories and pictures of cute corps guys! if that doesnt satisfy you take a peek at some of our older vintage posts

damn girl youre hot this past week i took my loneliness to a new low and created a tinder profile under the name lola lighter apparently lonely isnt a real name lets just say sparks flew and 152 matches later i picked my favorite flames to share with you all who knew flames could be so sexy 1 some people did not seem to care at all that they were talking to a lighter at least this one seemed a little excited 2 others just wanted to figure me out they obviously missed their opportunity with this flame 3 most people were really good at grammar i never figured out who tony was im not entirely sure what this one was even supposed to say 4 these charmers just made it too easy so i did what lighters do best double burn 5 it was obvious that some of these boys listen to too much drake 0 to 100 real quick zero the answer is zero because have you seen what people say on here gag me wait that didnt come out right 6 a few got a good laugh out of the whole thing 7 at least one may have been on the wrong app 8 i tried singing a little to lighten the mood it didnt really work thank you billy joel and barry manilow he really went for it and made up his own lyrics at the copacabana dont fall in love 9 and then the puns all the puns these people actually tried to kindle a relationship with a lighter and here we have a perfect literal description of the life of a lighter bravo sir bravo skeptics am i right it was fun for a while and then it got really old 10 i did let a few people see my true lonely soul in short i feel pretty confident in my decision to never get a personal tinder if this is what the future holds for dating i am pretty freaking terrified xoxo lonely lighter

#NAME?

1 this adorable couple of corgis beneath the century tree 2 these corps guys are the best of friends 3 theyre just so excited to get their picture taken with sully! 4 workout today was ruff! washing up at the end of a long day 5 this corgi being a model student at the library! 6 this bq strutting his stuff so proud to represent a&m! 7 corps guys just love fall weather 8 chowing down with friends! 9 you can hear these cute corps guys barking early in the morning its just so great to be in the corps! 10 and then theres this b**** -marco ovo queso polo shameful self promotion: follow us on facebook and twitter (@mugdown) for more stories and pictures of cute corps guys! if that doesnt satisfy you take a peek at some of our older vintage posts a big thanks to cassandra wilson photography for the photo of the corps boots on military walk we had an intern accidentally use her photo without permission he has since been flayed as an example to the others always site your sources ya heathens -pope francis

what was really found in the steam tunnels will blow you away! the steam tunnels of texas a&m university everybodys favorite rumor whole websites are devoted to the possible explanation of why they exist texags cant stop talking about what they might contain this website by the famous ti cartographer details the steam tunnels extensively complete with photos and a map for exploring! even we arent immune to the natural wonder of the steam tunnels! well the mugdown sent some journalists down to the steam tunnels to discover what might really lie below we found steam! amazing! who knew the steam tunnels contained steam not us! but now we do and so do you -sbisa cookie

heldenfels hall too many stairs i literally cant even http://wwwgifbincom/bin/1237205252_girl_falls_during_matress_slidegif rudder tower so tall! i didnt know we could have buildings over four stories! i literally cant even! http://giphycom/gifs/cheezburger-kitten-cat-108rs0hxh7gveg memorial student center never any seats nah its cool i dont mind eating my panda on the floor like an animal literally cant even http://iimgurcom/evnr5h0gif kyle field like be finished already like i can even literally not!

you may be hearing a new rally cry throughout campus this holiday season instead of the normal keep christ in christmas dr jim nail professor of religious studies is encouraging his students to put the x back in x-mas following thanksgiving break students have been heard complaining about the excessive number of questions from aunt barb and uncle joe on why they were not in a relationship these came before the complaints about grandmas lack of grandchildren professor nail decided to campaign for change before christmas break the solution to this problem is simple really it lies in the folder of screenshots and awkward girls-hand-on-the-guys-stomach-like-he-is-expecting-a-child couple pictures on our computers you know the ones with our exes that we tell our friends we deleted said professor nail he explained the best way to avoid questions about your relationship status is to get back with your ex whether it just be for a few key events like christmas dinner or new years eve or even for a longer commitment bringing your ex back for christmas is an easier way to deal with your familys constant questions than downing numerous glasses of wine professor nail suggests looking back at those old screenshots and stalking your former significant others twitter favorites in order to see what their idea of a relationship goal looks like if you are unable to make yourself look like zac efron or carrie underwood while also studying for finals in the short time between thanksgiving and christmas break the easiest way to get your ex back is to bribe them with the things that they like best this could be free food free alcohol cheesy compliments or good morning texts said professor nail the truth is that you know your ex best and the chance of finding a new soulmate over the next two weeks of studying for finals while almost everyone including yourself looks like death incarnate is slim professor nail recommends starting slow with a simple hey how have you been! or a quick i heard [insert your relationship song here] on the radio and thought of you hope everything is going well text eventually this should lead to a meal or watching netflix depending on how receptive your ex is in fact it may be possible to create an agenda of holiday events for which you will need each other to be present and a payment of sorts can be arranged for each event who knows maybe you will rekindle the flame and kiss your ex under the mistletoe because if all else fails the mugdown suggests simply sitting down with your ex over a bowl of queso and attacking the issue head on being pestered about your relationship status at family meals is a problem that plagues many and we know that your ex is facing the same dilemma -marco ovo queso polo

with the 2014 texas a&m football season coming to a close many aggie fans are looking forward to a promising fresh startone equipped with a new defensive coordinator a fully renovated kyle field and the number one high school quarterback recruit in the nation–which all serve to indicate great things to come however among the many exciting changes that will be gracing aggieland next fall one proposed change has many students concerned the texas a&m traditions council recently signed off on a proposition that creates and permits the use of a mobile fish pond: a large inflatable pool that will accompany the football team on all away games the porta-pond as its been dubbed will serve as a stand-in following road victories in which travelling members of the corps of cadets will subdue the yell leaders and toss them in this is an opportunity to expand one of our campuss most beloved traditions said alexandra gonzález chairwoman of the traditions council an a&m victory truly is not complete without sealing it with a yell leader swim we do not see any reason why this tradition should be restricted to home games supporters of this new tradition cite texas a&ms impressive win record in road games over the last three seasons with head coach kevin sumlin leading the aggies to a remarkable 14 away wins11 of which were against top 25 ranked teams while there is no denying a&ms laudable away record some students are concerned that broadening this tradition will hold negative consequences winning at kyle field is a special and rare experience said thomas hundley a sophomore agricultural business major who opposes the porta-pond and i would hate to water down that treasured moment by diluting this tradition discussions are expected to continue throughout the offseason but for now it seems to be the case that if we cannot bring the yell leaders to the fish pond we can certainly bring the fish pond to the yell leaders -riffety raff

please make sure your desks are in their full upright position is a phrase business students may be hearing often next year texas a&m announced they would be contracting spirit airlines for the renovation of the lecture hall after numerous complaints that the wehner buildings ray auditorium wehner 113 had an excessive amount of legroom many attendants of a crowded monday lecture vocalized their excitement over the announcement while others discussed some of the rooms current issues they hope will be remedied you can tell how early someone got to class based on how far from the aisle they are only people who show up late sit on the aisle the students who get to class early usually fight over the middle seats because they are the easiest to get out of said marketing major and local tall person william mccormick we placed those rows [of seats] as close together as we thought we could get them but spirit assured us that they have been cramming far more bodies into far tighter spaces for years said interim president mark hussey they promised to squeeze as many students in there as inhumanly possible a number of policy changes will be put in place to minimize the amount of wasted elbowroom and kneespace one of these changes will include a bag check for all students entering the classroom to ensure all carry-in backpacks have cleared the size limit and can fit under the smaller chairs although expensive hussey guaranteed the new renovations will pay for themselves aisle seats will come at an extra charge unless of course you are left-handed in which case you will be free to apply for a handicap chair business class seats will be provided for all business majors while standing room only space will be available along the back and sides of the lecture hall for business minors however for business honors students first class seats located in the back three rows of the classroom will be made available for purchase at the beginning of each semester first class seats will include individual armrests reclining seatbacks and personal screens so they do not have to look at the same projectors as the commoners -honey bear follow @bigoldhoneybear

campus police spokesperson jim beamer announced today that texas a&m has commissioned the university police department to find and take down a ring of influential and possibly dangerous criminals dealing illegal coke across campus coke is a dangerous substance and students cant find it on campus for a reason beamer said in his statement monday campus is not the place for stuff like cokeif you really need it just go to a gas station dont bring it on campus when you can drink delicious pepsi products instead according to the report campus police received an anonymous tip that someone was offering students diet sprite a lower calorie but equally as dangerous coke product in the msc campus police followed the lead and were not able to find the dealer but did find evidence of cherry coke a rarer form of coke that only experienced users know how to handle this stuff is dangerous and people are getting hurt interim president mark a hussey said in an interview for the battalion yesterday our partnership with pepsi is more of an aggie tradition than people realize and coca-cola use is not something we stand for at this great university however not everyone feels the dealers are a threat sophomore abigail greene has launched not only an anti-campus police initiative but has said several times she supports the freedom of students to consume coke coke isnt as harmful as you think greene said to the mugdown in an exclusive interview earlier today the government has lied because they can make more money from busting these dealing rings rather than taxing and regulating itthere is a whole conspiracy going on here i say we stop beverage crime through legalization: not just coke either students should be free to do even harder stuff like fanta though greenes comments disturbed some no one was more terrified of her proposition than aggie republicans member and self-proclaimed redass manuel rosales i know every college has some junkies and some coke-heads but they should have the decency to respect university law and get by on pepsi when they are on university grounds coca-cola is a gateway to more serious things; i dont want good ags wasting their lives on this stuff clearly students are divided on this issue dr hussey and the campus police ask that if somebody offers you coke products on your way to class you call the campus police immediately and are prepared to give your location and a description stay safe mugdown readers and though we take no stance on the issue we do implore you to restrain from consuming coca-cola or other dangerous substances in public settings or at parties where someone might take advantage of you -zero dark eighty

im sorry to inform you of a sorrowful tale that our dear aggie traditions are starting to fail we all know the spirit which can neer be told but it seems that new army has put it on hold i noticed it first at this past weekends trial as an ag on the out twas my last game at kyle i came in nostalgic my heart full of pride but after my visit i was sure that i died the aggies i love the traditions i treasured they lay at my feet defeated and weathered the hisses of old to show our distaste replaced by boos a change that i hate weve become lousy our birds we are flippin all i can utter is homies you trippin! the words in our language integrity fading if we were a movie wed get an r rating! that good ag ol rock he would call you a punk when you show up to games completely piss drunk those lsu tigers whose crudeness is famous the fact we were worse should do nothing but shame us now please man of the twelfth do not simply stand idle and let our good nature become suicidal! so hold back your slurs try not to get rowdy just shut your dang mouth if youre not going to howdy! -beutel call

#NAME?

follow @bigoldhoneybear

the lonely lighter advice column on: the mugdowns guide to mugging down dear lonely lighter i have a confession: i am an 18 year-old male who has never kissed anyone since my secret got out in my dorm earlier this year i have wanted nothing more than to leave my virgin lips in the past the only problem is that i have always been super passionate about waiting for the right person luckily this semester the one waltzed into my life she is in my chem 101 and has the beauty of a sunrise over the himalayas when she walks into a room im pretty sure angels begin to sing my obsession with interest in this beautiful creature led to a dare and now i am legally bound to kiss her at midnight yellor may i suffer the punishment of my roommate naming my first-born child #jehoshaphat seeing as i have no interest in losing this bet and also no experience in kissing a girl i would really appreciate some advice on the matter thanks and mug ‘em sweet kisses for the future mrs dear prezzi of the virgin lip club okay lonely lighter obviously has so much experience in this arena (that was sarcastic–i always feel like i need to clarify over type) but i mean these are the moments your kids and grandkids will be asking you about for the next century and i selfishly want to be a part of that story therefore i took it upon myself to ask all my not-so-lonely friends watch a ton of rom coms and help you out i find it totally sweet that you care so much about this potential most important moment of your life so without further adieu i present to you the best advice i have: the mugdowns guide to mugging down rule number one: say anything have you told her that you like her be honest have you ever even talked to her if not midnight yell may be a pretty forward way to approach the eternal love of your life but hey you miss 100% of the shots you dont take asking a girl out is always a bigger deal in your head than it is irl that being said girls love it when you make a big deal about them so think extravagant when you ask her out find her dorm stand outside of her window with a boombox blast peter gabriels in your eyes or something like that rule number two: practice makes perfect grab your favorite pillow snuggle up to it and give it a smooch whenever i tell people i sometimes do this they look at me funny but i know for sure that they are just trying to cover up the fact that they have tried it too think about different angles: are you taller or shorter is it more natural for you to tilt your head left or right nothing can really substitute for a semi-lifesized practice pillow theyre soft and they dont judge rule number three: dont get too handsy if you dont know what to do with your hands youre gonna have a bad time like how much do you want to impress this girl because its totally impressive to grab her face and just lay one on her but if you want to take it a little slower put your hands on her love handles (theyre called that for a reason) but do not squeezegirls hate that whatever you do respecting your woman is the best thing so dont let those digits creep too far above or below the equator if you know what im saying rule number four: chap up! and i aint talking about those things cowboys wear on their legs invest in some real good chapstick like yesterday girls like soft lips and they would never admit it but they like it with a little flavor too she may have forgotten this important rule so help her out! it wouldnt be weird at all to start off the datenot by bringing her flowersbut by bringing her lip balm you would literally be the balm! rule number five: swak (seal it with a kiss) youve done all of this practice and prep and now its your time to shine! first tell her she looks prettythere is nothing wrong with buttering up your date as soon as the lights go out do not hesitate to lean in for that kiss really if shes cute you should keep kissing her so everyone can see what a hot date you have people secretly love stealing glances at some good pda according to my research (ie hours of watching pride and prejudice the notebook and sixteen candles) when the deed is done pull back slowly look deep into her eyes and just smile as far as i can tell after that you just wait for the scene to fade to black go get ‘em rookie! xoxo lonely

today the stunning 300-gallon saltwater tank located on the bottom floor of texas a&ms memorial student center celebrated its official confirmation as the fourth largest aquarium in the city of college station aglantis as it is affectionately referred to by students was gifted to the university by the texas sea grant and has now housed at least three maybe even four fish over the last year it takes a large tank to accommodate that many fish just how large is the tank aglantis is a mighty two feet wide a jaw-dropping two feet deep and a truly dizzying ten feet long for those who have trouble with such abstractly large numbers that holds roughly the same volume as seven bathtubs or half the amount of water it takes to feel clean after attending a foam party this award is the second for aglantis last year it was named the second biggest waste of money in the msc behind the memory cloud however many expect the tank to make a comeback soon once the kyle field renovation is complete and funding is available there are plans to add a clownfish to the tank the only larger tanks in college station are located in a local dentists office texas a&ms own wildlife and fisheries science department and sally brenners bedroom shes nine -honey bear

college station texas results of a recent study by the college of architecture regarding campus design yielded an interesting and surprising result: the quad home to all twelve corps of cadets dorms and duncan dining center can only be seen and accessed by students who already know of its existence when we reviewed the results from south campus we were shocked to find many students had no idea where our 2 500 cadets are housed and trained said dr shannon van zandt coordinator of the masters of urban planning program intrigued by this finding we asked several students in the msc if they knew about the quad im not sure what youre talking about katy darlett a freshmen living in aston said i look out of my dorm room window and see throckmorton and the roof of koldus the quad asked mark billings a senior history major is that what they renamed that bar on northgate we asked david johnson a sophomore cadet in company b1 about his reaction to the studys results i think its just totally crazy that people just cant even see it i guess that explains why so many people ask if i live on or off-campus despite the fact that im wearing my uniform dr zandt is unsure of the cause of this bizarre occurrence but she has come to call it the room of requirement effect i think its an especially fitting title she adds youve got to ask them for exactly what you need like ‘we need a place to house thousands of kids who only wear camouflage and khaki sometimes it is there and sometimes it is not but when it appears it is always equipped for our aggies needs -north by northgate

some doctors convinced others remain skeptical texas a&m universitys beutel student health center also colloquially known as the quack shack has implemented a new policy in the womens restrooms signs brandishing only toilet paper in toilets litter the stall doors along with artist renditions of several day-to-day items that are prohibited from entering the bowl: toothbrushes keys smartphones and wine bottles among them a janitor commented on the latest restroom reform saying yeah we get a lot o kids droppin more than deuces if you catch my drift i come to beutel regularly for allergy shots and they ask me every single time if im pregnant super-senior and long-time aggie fan megan pursell said it takes almost an hour of convincing them that the only thing im remotely close to being in a relationship with is netflix beutels worse than my insanely jealous ex-boyfriend she went on to say that many female students uncomfortable with the recurring onslaught of questions about their personal business have resorted to extreme measures an on-campus league has formed christening themselves the female leaders against repeated pregnancy inquiries or the flarpi harpies the president of the harpies cecily watson declined to comment on their past injunctions for bringing alcohol into the beutel offices but the harpies are notorious for chugging wine in front of beutels doctors and nurses as a way of proving that the only thing they are expecting is alcoholism continued complaints indicate some doctors are not convinced one witness came forward claiming he had heard screams resonating from the womens clinic one afternoon i heard ‘do you believe me now and then saw this girl run out of a room with what appeared to be a glass bottle in her hand said junior political science major eddie dallas she had wine-soaked lips and the fury of nine rabid dogs in her eyes so i got the hell out of her way but it looked like she was making her way to the bathroom i didnt think anything of it i mean i know about the rumors i even considered joining the harpies after a beutel nurse tried to refer me to an ob/gyn for my recurring nausea because she was convinced i had morning sickness several attempts have been made to contact beutel in an effort to lay this issue to rest but our reporters have been met with hostility and several questionnaires all of which demand are you pregnant if you checked ‘no youre lying -cberg

25 years ago residents of bryan and college station as well as students at texas a&m university and blinn college witnessed history as the bryan wall fell the wall a symbol of separation between bryan and college station stood for decades and served as an effort by the city of bryan to keep residents and students of blinn college from defecting to college station due to the brain drain phenomenon officials in the bryan government correctly predicted at the time that professionals educators and top students would flee bryan for a more modern life in college station and erected the anti-aggie protection rampart more commonly known as the bryan wall or iron curtain dr william h mobley president of texas a&m in 1989 gave a moving speech at the demolition including the oft-quoted from bryan in the north to college station in the south an iron curtain has descended across the county the curtain split the twin towns near the current position of west villa maria road before branching south to follow burton creek until it crossed highway 6 near university drive while the wall is easily forgotten within the folds of history the economic effect of bryans isolationism can still be seen these 25 years later as bryan remains decades behind in development and capital improvements of the city perhaps time can heal these wounds perhaps money regardless today is not a time for speculation today we celebrate freedom in bryan-college station today we celebrate the anniversary of the fall of the bryan wall -north by northgate

the people for the ethical treatment of animals began protesting texas a&ms mascot reveille thursday nov 5 at academic plaza by wearing recreations of reveilles traditional shawl it was embroidered with the phrase free me from my shackles! while insubordinately defecating around campus it is preposterous that a school of higher learning promotes domestication of this majestic creature said brazos county peta organizer arthur james if a&m truly loved reveille the students would allow her to run free through campus doing her business where she desires since speaking out two weeks ago against texas a&ms use of elephants during the campus traditional elephant walk peta has continued protesting the campus for its inhumane treatment of all animals the university continues to degrade living creatures through intrusive invasion of animal privacy and entrapment of wildlife said james parsons mounted cavalry ag-lantis and the universitys various squirrel projects are all examples of this i also have a good hunch that the vet school is a front for useless animal experiments peta took notice of reveille when her handler cadet ryan kreider saved her from a collision with an smu football player during the smu game on sept 20 we have been watching this poor creature since that incident said james a&m is at fault for pampering her and leaving her defenseless if she were to be put in her natural habitat today she would surely die when asked about her lavish lifestyle and accusations of being defenseless reveille viii simply stared at squirrels -silver tapioca

with an overwhelmingly religious student population texas a&m is a common locus for christianizing activities and its local preachers have made their presence quite known at texas a&m they are the ones who can be seen passing out pocket-sized bibles on campus during select times of the year and reciting bible verses when you are too busy stumbling in six-inch heels whilst trying to look sober for the bouncer but the bustle of campus is no match for the preachers striving efforts and they have decided to take on a new approach: confronting the long lines of taco lovers at torchys tacos hunger is hunger whether it is for knowledge or tacos said a local preacher we plan to communicate the word of god at this location because the people here aint going anywhere for a long time and it is in these gluttons best interest to listen torchys tacos unveiled its new college station location on oct 16 and locals have been quite interested as to what a taco eating experience other than fuegos could be like the restaurant has seen masses of people per day and lines during peak time clock in at an average wait of 45 minutes we could not think of a better place that needs saving than at a restaurant that advertises a diaper-wearin baby devil claiming to have ‘damn good tacos said another local preacher upon entering the establishment it is easy to see the restaurant is decorated with a hell motif the counters are bright red and yellow and the walls hold a seven-foot tall mural of flames it is a place where morals are forgotten and the deadly sin of gluttony takes over these ‘damn good tacos are sending people to damnation! said a worried preacher while nervously munching on a trailer park taco -revs cradle

during last weeks severe storms lightning simultaneously struck the grave of a deceased servicemen and a homosexual couple the resulting fire relayed this message to the most holy of congregations the disciples of westboro baptist church my favorite followers the holy and just members of westboro baptist church: throughout the history of my creation i have given blessings to my chosen people for thousands of years the jewish nation has assumed that it was they after another thousand years of getting kicked around by the rest of the world you would think they would get the picture get it together jews clearly the chosen people that are foretold in the old testament are you the proud people of westboro baptist church this is my message to thee unlike those of my blessed congregation that have received untold blessings there is one nation that has actively worked against me and invoked my wrath: the heathens of maroon and white the cursed aggies of texas a&m have openly opposed me ever since they formed that maroon wall around the military funeral my followers protested back in 2012 they have turned college station into a modern gomorrah they have built up a religion of pigskin to raise up their own glory and prosperity trying to make their own promise land they moved to the southeastern football kingdom and tried to become like the other nations that resided there spitting in my face following the leadership of the false prophets of jonathan of the house of football and general sumlinius they built up prestige and power they performed ritualistic chants on a weekly basis worshipping their pigskin gods they spent untold riches and gold on building a larger temple to their god kyle a temple that would contain an untold number of their pagan chants led by their white clad prophets even the most juvenile followers of me acknowledge my most important command: i hate fags the aggies have turned their back on my most treasured ideal and shown tolerance and understanding to these devils they sit back and laugh as enemy makes progress in their crusade against me and for that i cannot forgive them since they refuse to show hate to these fags i must show hate to them i have done much to punish these people i have banished their prophet from the house of football to a place he will never do harm to anyone and have disposed of his disciple plaguing the false prophet of trill with unruliness and distraught after an unfortunate victory against the warriors of the southern kingdom of the realm of carolina i have thrown their idolized football squad into disarray and punished them justly crushing them with a crimson tide much like i wiped away the egyptian army with the crushing tide of the red sea their victory over the tigers was just a tease for my wrath will not truly strike until my chosen people invade their town not just the gomorrah that is college station shall be punished but the whole peoples of texas i have started a plague of ebola in dallas one that will teach these aggies the folly in their ways this sign should be clear enough for them that a sickness in dallas is a clear condemnation of a university several hours away whose foundational ideals i oppose but just to be safe i am sending you my blessed people to carry this message to them on november the tenth if they do not stop their ways people in a totally different city will die obviously

the flag room in the msc lost its studying allure after several students were asked to leave for disrespecting tradition last night junior griffin bronson donned his invisible thinking cap to study for his phys 218 midterm but was promptly accosted by the self-proclaimed tradition guard andrew portsmith the exchange became heated minutes later when portsmith told bronson he was violating the sacred honor of the memorial student center bronson was confused and became belligerent when portsmith forced the issue what are you talking about dude said bronson this is friggin stupid frick! witnesses reported that portsmith was patrolling the msc as he does every monday night in his traditional tradition guard uniform cargo shorts and a bonfire t-shirt for just the third time this semester he spotted an open disregard for tradition and honor when bronson and his friends put on their thinking caps portsmith an avid adherent of the law decided to take it upon himself to inform the group that any head covering other than religious garments were prohibited bronson reportedly motioned to the top of his head to remove the cap but portsmith did not believe that he had actually removed it after violently swiping the air in hopes of knocking it off portsmith insisted that the group leave before he was forced to contact the honor council im just glad i was there portsmith told the mugdown this new army stuff has gone too far whats next people responding ‘good to howdy -commons lobbyist

texas a&ms department of communication was rocked yesterday when the test bank held in the delta gamma sorority house was leaked to the public delta gamma has proudly acknowledged the existence of this test bank for many years lauding it as a definite mark in dgs favor during the tense decision time that is sorority recruitment the bank which contained tests and papers for nearly every comm class on a&ms campus was apparently loaned out by a new addition to the delta gamma family freshman communication major sara hearths volunteered to share a select number of the tests with her first ever study group but before she knew it almost all of the tests had been copied i didnt expect them to take advantage of me so quickly hearths said tears filling her eyes as she remembered the situation some of hearths sisters witnessed the event drawn by the noise of students greedily yelling out test questions and snatching the exams from each other they compared the other students incredibly vicious attempts to get all of the answers for their college careers to a feeding frenzy filled with curiously blonde and perfumed sharks or a stampede of oversized t-shirt wearing wildebeest fights involving hair pulling broke out over the exams for comm 357 which many of the students had heard was particularly challenging alyssa gooding a communications graduate student who works closely with professors in the comm department was disgusted by the leak aggies shouldnt do this its just not right gooding said eloquently expressing her distaste with the skills she learned through her communications degree but what i find most despicable is the lack of respect for tradition some of these tests have been used for decades if thats not proof of the strength of aggie traditions i dont know what is gooding said gooding explained that she feels bad for the professors who will now have to rewrite their exams some for the first time since the university allowed women to become students in the early 1970s none of the comm professors were available for comment as they were busy reading the books from which they already teach -revelicious

sexy reveille requires: dog ears fur trimmed dress maroon or white shawl (optional) and an open invitation for people to call you a b**** all night bonus for couples: bring your handler and see how many interpret the costume as a statement on gender roles sexy corps cadet requires: a sexy military uniform or just a normal military uniform with less buttons as the night goes on bonus for class of 2015: wear your senior gogo boots sexy yell leader requires: a white jumpsuit and your skimpiest 12th man towel bonus: manage to turn a few yells into part of a drunk dance sexy loftin requires: a maroon bow tie fake glasses and a fake mustache or a real one yknow if you can grow one bonus: get someone to kiss you with your fake mustache on sexy sully requires: a fake beard and a literal ton of bodypaint bonus: break even on the cost of the costume from all the pennies you get throughout the night sexy roughneck requires: even more body paint than sully high lace-up boots construction helmet and a chain to get creative with bonus: stripper moves will guarantee that pretty much everyone who recognizes your costume buys you a drink…or at least sticks a few singles in your waistband sexy beutel nurse requires: not much really just reuse your sexy nurse costume from last year except this time with either a homemade beutel sign or nametag dont worry if anyone asks for medical help prescribe ice and rest bonus: take a shot every time someone thinks youre a sexy ebola nurse double bonus: bring a pack of cigarettes to smoke on all your breaks sexy century tree requires: i dunno just like some twigs and leaves you can pick up staggering around northgate you can just say its an eve costume until you find enough bonus: any hookups end in marriage sexy aggie squirrel requires: fake ears fake tail matching dress and an erratic personality bonus: spend the evening making cracking various nut-related puns double bonus: find sexy century tree and become best friends sexy 12th man towel requires: large white towel and a few maroon markers bonus points: add a karate kid shower costume to complete the look sexy ng ratchet requires: your usual ng attire but with even lower standards bonus: send pictures to all of your friends on snapchat sexy upd officer requires: sexy police officer uniform (available at literally any store this time of year) and a pair of handcuffs bonus: ride a segway giving out fake tickets all night to sexy ng ratchet (there is a chance that more than one person will pick that costume) sexy rapping professor requires: bose headphones and a water bottle bonus: actually rap sexy a&m offense be the tease you are and never actually show up -honey bear

senator matt gee is rising in popularity…but not in the election polls senator gee in his first term as a senator in the off campus caucus was caught this past week in public with a corps escort the corps of cadets operates an escort service providing members of the corps to accompany lonely patrons around campus the number is surprisingly accessible to all students and can be found on the back of every student id card i dont understand why this is such a big deal…he simply walked me to koldus senator gee said that was it nothing more we think there is something more late last night we received correspondence from another student senator confirming the rumors to not only be true but worse than we first believed yeah he calls the escort service all the time our anonymous source revealed he even has a burner phone just for those special calls when asked how he learned this information the anonymous source muttered something about a missing cowboy hat and hung up the phone mugdown asked senator gee how he thinks this will affect his chances to win in the midterm elections we dont have midterms here… senator gee said sounds like a defeated candidate to us senator gee says he will continue to enjoy the escort service as normal and suggests all students to give it a try at least once nothing quite like having binders full of cadets! -sbisa cookie eat or die

instead of the usual slurring of lets go to fuego! or drunk girls screaming oh my gosh this is my song! students may be hearing a new phrase on northgate thanks to sophomore biology major ashley smith in a town where the only late night bites include the ever popular fuego taco cabana or mcdonalds smith believed that something had to be done to bring the staple 24 hour 7 days a week open on all holidays waffle house to college station some of my fondest memories have been made in the horribly cleaned booths of a sketchy waffle house at odd hours in the morning some of these experiences i do not remember ill admit it said smith but i do know that my all star special with scrambled eggs a regular waffle biscuits and gravy sausage and a chocolate milk with water on the side is a staple in my late night diet no matter how much regret i feel in the morning and i knew that i needed to bring it to college station after spending what seemed like hours researching how to bring waffle house to college station smith figured out exactly how to do just that in case you were unaware which im sure you were you cannot just decide to make a waffle house a current franchise owner is the only person who can create a new waffle house so i did what i had to do and found an owner and married the guy making him promise to open a waffle house in college station said smith the nuptials were held over spring break including an open bar a fuego queso fountain and a waffle house breakfast buffet for all the waffle house will be built near the intersection of college avenue and university drive smith is unsure how this arrangement will work out due to the proximity of ihop but promises that a drunk stomach prefers waffle house to ihop any day plans are in review to create a statue to forever memorialize the aggieland deity for her hard work and sacrifice to bring consistently mediocre waffles to ags -marco ovo queso polo

the blue bell factory in brenham has had record sales this week due to aggies coping with their emotions over the end of our short reign as a football dynasty i guess you could say it has been a rocky road for a&m fans this year but hey dont listen to the haters pay no attention to the rankings – those are what mean girls who lack confidence do to make themselves feel better you dont have to break up with the team to have an excuse to give yourself a personal day you dont even have to take time off; bye week is built in there for you go to the spa get your nails done theyre probably bitten down to the quick after watching some of the games from this season we know good bull huntings nails are gone thats why they needed someone to step up as they spend the next week and a half in tears they needed someone who thrives on negative emotion who positively rejoices when things have gone to hell they needed professionals they needed … the mugdown and now without further ado the mugdown is proud to present this weeks issue of the tailgate

2:31 am saturday february 8th it was a cold peaceful night on the northside of campus as the walton warriors were resting soundly after a long friday of guarding their precious walton hill however in only a few minutes the battle for walton hill would take place armed with a nerf-gun in one hand and a 12th man towel in the other the southside syndicates would soon assault walton hill for a battle that was surely to be remembered for at least that weekend with the four nations of dunn krueger mosher and aston united under the commons pact of 1997 they were certain to conquer walton hill that night the air was thin and the stench of northgate could be smelled from a mile away the plan was simple: dunn would be recon at all-faiths chapel providing the other three nations with intel krueger would be at the front lines with a direct assault coming from military walk mosher would soon flank from sbisa dining hall while aston would be stationed near schuhmacher hall to prevent any reinforcements the horn blew and the attack began the walton warriors woke immediately and were reaching their holy barbeque grill just as krueger was stepping onto the base of walton hill walton knew that this was quite possibly the biggest battle of its life all their determination and patience in guarding the hill for hours a day would be tested knowing that reinforcements from other northside halls was unlikely it was a job only walton could handle through their provocative and profanity-heavy yells they began to demoralize and offend the krueger troops eventually causing retreat however the flank of mosher hit swift and true the walton warriors were failing their commander junior ag leadership major rob johnson used his vast knowledge of military leadership skills to boost waltons morale but it was useless mosher had already taken over the hill with aston troops moving in to secure the victory commander rob johnson died that night his finals words were short but urgent before breathing his last johnson softly whispered to freshman chad rogers you must retake the hill they cannot learn our sec- johnson was dead a sea of walton residents looked on outfitted in their traditional attire: cargo shorts and too-small t-shirts the southside syndicates took the hill that night but nobody knows of freshman chad rogers location anonymous sources state that he is planning to retake walton hill but we may never know due to a lack of interest in the hill by practically everyone -duncan dough

follow @bigoldhoneybear

ive seen em lose and ive seen em win and now ive seen em quit the aggies lost to the ole miss rebels 35-20 in a game that was less close than the score indicated fortunately undergraduate football teams are normally permitted four q-drops during their collegiate careers after using three of them to eliminate losses against the tigers from last season the aggies have decided to q-drop their most recent loss when a student decides to q-drop a class there is no longer an incentive for them to show up to lectures it became clear that the aggies were going to be dropping this game by the end of the third quarter and fans left accordingly weve been preaching consistency in practice and our boys delivered coach kevin sumlin said after the game they have consistently underperformed these last three weeks fortunately with the q-drop our guys have a chance to start over fresh while q-dropped losses do not affect the ap or coaches rankings the losses are removed from the official team scoreboard now the aggies can live in a blissful ignorance about their abilities for at least one more week just be glad we scheduled a cupcake game in tuscaloosa this saturday -cactus jack

for aggies looking to propose there are few places more romantic than the century tree its massive size and arching branches make it a scenic locale and the long standing tradition surrounding it make the century tree the destination of choice for aggies to get engaged not all couples however are able to share in this tradition and as of this week some students on campus have made an effort to reinforce that fact lately members of the texas aggie conservatives have been standing guard at the century tree preventing homosexual couples from walking under it the gays arent allowed to get married in texas so were not sure if the tradition will still work john newman senior agriculture major said i wouldnt want them to miss out on the magic it is a well known tradition that the person you walk under the century tree with will be your soulmate for life but if marriage laws dont change in texas will the tradition still apply some members of the aggie conservatives believe that the tradition could even backfire lets say two men walk under [the century tree] but since they cant get married it refuses to pair them up and instead decides they can never be together that would be tragic abigail alders sophomore poultry science major said if they could find a way to replant the century tree in california i would be all over that samuel cook senior ag leadership major said i just cant on my good conscience let these gay couples take the risk some couples were initially offended by this couples like lisa kiev and jenny wang but have since reconsidered their opinion on the matter we were just going to walk under the tree as something cute to do but i never really considered the implications wang said i dont even know lisa that well turns out thats not even her real name its molly i mean what else is she not telling me the work of the aggie conservatives has saved many relationships from tragic decoupling and many singles from making the wrong choice i need to rethink this i owe these conservative guys big time wang said it may not be a fair world for all but the texas aggie conservatives are fighting for equality and justice for a minority that has suffered greatly from discrimination in this country come rain snow or shine you can always find one of their members guarding the century tree and standing for what is right true love shall conquer all cook said and we intend to see that happen -samurai sully

some people hate me some people dont even realize i exist however some people will follow me to the ends of the earth i am your humble spirit bus driver and ive embarked on a quest to experiment on the fragile minds of the students of texas a&m jason hurdle once sprinted a quarter mile along side my door in hopes that i would let him in hayden thumps started beating the door as i drove past his route 15 stop in your weakest moments i flash the out of service notice but my favorite shade of desperation is the long-distance haul as a driver when you see someone a good distance away that you know is coming for your bus you have two choices really: wait or drive away i personally like to toy with my prey i see them coming make sure to lock eyes to show them that i see them then i shut my door this puts an extra bit of desperation in their eyes they increase speed next i take off the parking brake to show them that im ready to move this is the kiss of death to them they now have two choices: haul (red)ass to my bus or give up and wait for the next bus its during this internal strife that i am at my best as soon as i see which decision theyve made i act tuesday morning i was sitting in my route 6 bus outside the msc i saw heather white just passing rudder statue i had only just arrived but she didnt know this for all she knew i was ready to depart as she made her way through the ‘free speech zone she must have thought she had a shot at making my bus when she made it to the eye contact phase i locked eyes and nodded she showed relief then i closed my door this caused her to do a skip step to pick up her pace just as soon as she began at the new faster pace i lifted my brake she made an all-out sprint almost knocking over an elderly professor to reach me now usually once ive seen them commit i take off and leave them running for nothing but this one was special she ran as hard as she could until she reached me once she was on board i waited four whole minutes to depart welcome to my world you are all just along for the ride -commons lobbyist

in the age of commercialism it can be easy finding money to fund the largest stadium in the sec new stadiums are not cheap but they can be if your values are studies have shown that the best way to finance a large elite athletics program is to take the most iconic most traditional most respected representations of your university and market the s*** out of them it recently came to the universitys attention that reveille viii had a large amount of unused space on her shawl under the supervision of jason cook a small marketing team fresh out of wehner high knew just how to capitalize on what previously had been wasted potential we actually drew our inspiration from nascar said senior associate athletics director for external affairs jason cook it was not easy finding a sport more heavily saturated with advertising than football the work they do there is breathtaking nothing says texas a&m more than beloved mascot reveille viii and nothing begs for a cash grab like the already highly televised first lady of aggieland however with the increasing competition from universities to out bigger and better each other texas a&m is looking to capitalize on more of the universitys famous icons coming soon to campus will be the newly remodeled wwe academic thunder-dometm where you can purchase your new bed bath & beyond 12th man towel-ettestm while snacking on some tasty kelloggs century tree-tstm now if only we could get coca-cola -honey bear dont forget to put a penny or two on sully as you leave; five percent of your donation will be passed along to the susan g komen make-a-salvation foundation nation club

it is no secret that starbucks is in high demand at texas a&m since the msc brought the franchise to campus in 2013 it has been clear that aggies appetites could not be satiated with only one decent on-campus coffee center the texas a&m student body rejoiced when the school announced the replacement of evans librarys poor yoricks with starbucks this past summer however this cause for celebration quickly became a thorn in the side of a special population on texas a&ms campus: basic white girls you know who they are if you do not have a good image of this person look in the the evans library starbucks line for the girl in yoga pants and an oversized t-shirt with a face contorted into the perfect snapchat to send to her bff if that does not help you it is likely because this describes every girl in line as well as some of the boys the line at starbucks has grown into a source of contempt among many on campus but the arguably most affected are the baristas karen westwood former full-time barista reminisced on her time working in a place she described as a hellhole i lasted for the first week but then i had to quit said westwood i couldnt stand the stress knowing that any moment somebody might throw coffee in my face luckily for the baristas that remain the lovely women in line value their sweet black nectar of life over steaming vigilante justice the real question is why these unsatisfied customers continue to return five weeks into the semester the demand for coffee remains high whilst the supply remains low economics major michael hendricks admitted that the evans library starbucks was the best argument for capitalism he had witnessed since he attended the meeting for aggie conservatives this past week its amazing how faithful people are to a good product hendricks said my twitter feed will be full of people who ‘literally cant even over the starbucks line and the very next day i will see those same individuals walking out of the library with white chocolate mochas in hand in response to the high-pitched whines of basic girls across campus the evans library starbucks has promised to hear out every last screeching complaint the customer is always right said manager renaldo montoya so in the coming weeks we will be implementing a line cut-off once the line reaches a certain length we will no longer allow others to step in thereby guaranteeing the shortness of the line! mr montoya assures us that his plan is fool-proof the mugdown did confirm that this cut-off will be defined by physical space and not head-count therefore it will be to everyones advantage to ensure that only the skinny(est) latte lovers get in line -lonely lighter

follow @bigoldhoneybear

with the years most anticipated election upon us we take to social media to learn more about this years candidates where besides twitter can one find valuable and objective information concerning a candidates viewpoints unless someone made a website for their freshman class president campaign you probably cant find it anywhere thats why the mugdown is here to help its time to rock the vote! campus may be rid of campaign banners but social media is never safe the beauty of the fall election is that it doesnt matter scratch that actually if you are a freshman or one of the dozens of people who werent elected in the spring it may matter to you im not saying that this election isnt a big deal voting is important mark my words the mugdown loves democracy we just love the petty and over-the-top campaigning part of democracy the most with that its time for some freshman class president election campaign analysis courtesy of our friends over at #tamu18 yes freshman class president be an informed voter go to bres4prescom for more pics of flaming footballs wait a second someone actually made a website just because you dont have a website doesnt mean you dont care take donya for instance before you vote on thursday he wants you to and i quote tell your friends your pets even family lets get a black guy in office im not obama tho! now that is a promising candidate lets go to twitter and see what else he has to say rt to help donya get punctuation someone needs to remind these candidates that this is not a student body president election whats that about half of these people are probably going to run for sbp in three years nevermind our next two candidates are using social media to push election facts putting money on this picture being recycled for his sbp campaign i think he meant holla but who knows holl could be some confusing new word like trill we saved the best for last actually we legally cannot say that donya paid us good money to endorse him and this would be breaking our contract that last part isnt true what is true is that it looks like the corps may not make an endorsement this year because two fish cadets are running also who the hell gets endorsements when they are running for freshman class president but if i was a gambling man id say orourke probably has the advantage check out this tweet hes a servant yall poor fish doesnt know that we elect power hungry and insincere people every year theyre called senators you may be wondering why we didnt cover senate elections if you are youre probably campaigning for student senate yourself and just wanted the publicity dont get your panties in a wad though even if you are elected statistics show that you are probably going to drop out before your term anyway theres a special club for people that last a full term it meets at obannons and its run by cary cheshire sorry for the rant im a bit jaded now that you are an informed voter the choice is yours there is a pointless election today and a bunch of freshmen that want your vote are waiting be a good ag and go to votetamuedu today and tomorrow election results should be announced friday evening after all 200 votes have been counted -cactus jack

dear mugdown you suck how could you sell out to the man you used to be cool but you changed you became an official student organization of texas a&m i would wonder why you dont just ask to become the universitys personal lapdog but i guess the batts been trying to take reveilles place for years sincerely richard we received this email early this morning and felt it was an issue we should kindly address for all our readers hey dick i see your point but you dont know the full story here we sold out but we sold out for a great price we didnt become texas a&ms 1025th official student organization for chump change here check this out as a student organization were free to use the official a&m logo no legal repercussions thats pretty nice oh yeah thats the stuff it also makes us an official and legitimate representation of the university yeah us officially representing a&m let that wash over you for a second weve also got ourselves a sweet advisor now our advisor is pretty much the obi-wan to our luke the dumbledore to our harry the splinter to our ninja turtle what else do we get funding sweet sweet funding maybe i dunno well see the sofc says the money starts flowing once were considered obedient and when we dance monkey dance whatever that means those people are weird and so we boldly go where no a&m newspaper has gone before no seriously the good bull and the battalion arent recognized student organizations so as far as were concerned were a more legitimate a&m news source than either of them in conclusion did we sell out yes yes we did <3 honey bear and the mugdown staff

after complaints by fans that the scoreboard added the freshman 15 a bit too early in the year the kyle field media staff took a hard look at their equipment to make sure everything was square the video board now the largest in the country was made to maximize image quality but the unintended consequence was maximizing several peoples beer bellies university officials were not able to determine what is causing the image to appear so wide until friday evening trying to avoid culpability several university administrators pointed to other flaws on campus to shift blame i would take a good hard look at dining services said athletic director eric hyman some of them look like the students who ate the 12th man dining services quickly pushed the blame away from themselves citing evidence that outsourced food actually decreases students appetites because the lowest dining option is $600 many students dont even eat on campus fred wencel the senior director of food operations said i would be surprised if the weight gain was our fault we try to deter students from eating on campus after a week of finger-pointing and name-calling the problem was finally discovered it turns out that a ridiculously rectangular screen was stretching the image because of the image crisis 12th man productions immediately made the shift to a new experimental camera developed by a joint task force of engineering students and the liberal arts college the shift in camera equipment will only have minor costs allowing the projected total to be $200 million to switch to the new cameras it will be added to the kyle field redevelopment budget -commons lobbyist

the lonely lighter advice column on: how to like football if you dont like football – a girls guide hey lonely i have an embarrassing confession: i cant like aggie football i know; im a total two-percenter but i have really tried there are so many rules and its so hot at games last week i faked passing out because i wanted to leave early when all my friends wanted to stay! im desperate and for the next three months my social life is revolving around this issue do you have any advice on how to fake it better or maybe even become a little more redass thanks & gig ‘em (is that what im supposed to say) practically skim hey skim alright ill be honest i usually dont help two-percenters but the less of you there are the better plus your willingness to change makes you like slightly more palatable hopefully these tips will help you to actually enjoy the best four hours of your week lets talk pre-kickoff one thing that always works in any boring situation is hydrating everyone feels more comfortable with a drink in hand! while water will make the games less physically miserable alcohol will make the games more mentally tolerable you choose which is more important additionally free food is a major plus for tailgates you dont have to contribute anything except a few semi-real friendships with the hosts honestly tailgates are the only place i can think of that will give you legitimately delicious and completely free food all of this is great but the real best part about tailgates is all the small talk you get to enjoy with people who you never see and dont care about dont hate the players hate the game (if you have to) if you havent noticed yet there are some fine specimens of manliness running around in front of you not only are they naturally (sorry but that aint natural honey thats hours in the gym everyday) ripped but the pads they are wearing accentuate just about everything exhibit a – #38 drew kaser: 12thmancom 247sportscom if those eyes and that smile dont just hit you in the heart then maybe you havent looked at his butt (also he is now a heisman contender according to toast with toates thats like the football equivalent of being americas next top model) exhibit b – #20 trey williams: 12thmancom okay stop staring at those arms and notice how good he is with children! have you ever seen a happier baby exhibit c – #56 mike matthews #96 jay arnold and #1 brandon williams: mike matthews via 12thmancom jay arnold via brent zwerneman brandon williams via 12thmancom girl i dont know your life but maybe those first two didnt do it for you maybe youre not a butt-loving child-caring girl; maybe youre into luscious locks jay arnold recently took a bold move with his mullet/beard combo and is honestly rocking it now people get their hair cut all the time but mikey and brandon have the kind of hair that softly tells you to put away the scissors and run your fingers through it slowly and tenderly when the aggies score we score boyfriends are great boyfriends during football season are better not only do you have the promised make-out session of midnight yell the night before but during the game when the aggies put points on the board your so puts points on your board if you know what im sayin (; okay you probably have no idea what i am saying because that made no sense at all basically aggies score = stadium-wide pda i know you never thought the day would come at such a conservative school but with as many points as we are putting up each game this whole impromptu make-out thing is getting pretty commonplace yummy ^^^could be you^^^ added bonus: maybe your boyfriend will even love you enough to teach you a few things about football fake it ‘til you make it last but certainly not least there are some key phrases that will work at any game at almost any time that will not only help you feel smart but might actually convince those around you that you actually are forget understanding just yell stuff most of the time the noise is appreciated use the following lines any time you need to trick your friends into thinking you know whats going on: defense wins championships! pull this jewel of wisdom out if people start chanting wrecking crew also… chant wrecking crew like all the time whoop! just let it out randomly when the crowd seems excited if youre a freshman or sophomore then opt for the half-hearted woo! to avoid pushing because freshmen do not whoop thats bad bull and bad bull loses games and trust me we dont want to lose games who paid these referees if the crowd seems upset shouting this one is guaranteed to have people turning to agree with you get ‘em! and/or go! go! go! use these well whenever anyone is running really for extra points gauge the crowds reaction when the running stops use the appropriate whoop! or who paid these refs to start a super combo! with these few tips you will be able to fool at least the other dirty two-percenters youll probably be standing with heres to hoping you bump up to at least a three-percenter with love lonely lighter have your own questions need a little life advice weve got great news for you! lonely lighter answers questions from schmucks like you every week! if askags scares you and you know your friends judge you send your questions to [email protected]!

college station tx rumors about the famed and beloved texas a&m university mascot reveille viii are circulating of a possible pregnancy for the first lady of aggieland it is no secret that miss rev is prone to take naps virtually everywhere she goes but it seems to have escalated recently this sudden onset of exhaustion is a typical sign of pregnancy but this evidence by itself is not a definitive indication of a future litter this decision [for reveille viii to retire] was reached in consultation with her veterinarians at the college of veterinary medicine & biomedical sciences interim president mark hussey wrote in the email sent out to the student body this is a clear attempt by the university to prevent a scandal any pregnancy out of wedlock causes raised eyebrows especially at one of the most conservative schools in america so a pregnant single mascot is anything but ideal however it is also possible that the veterinarian staff has identified the possible risks facing a pregnant reveille with the recent announcement of her retirement suspicions have begun to grow retiring at the age of nine is relatively young; most of her predecessors went on to serve for at least ten years it is possible that a life of constant naps in full sized beds and a fanatic adoration by the student body drew her to an early retirement yet rumors of a particularly exciting nap continue to confirm the suspicion that miss rev is in fact pregnant but if those two factors were not convincing enough recall the events of saturday sept 20 when miss rev was about to be the victim of a brutal collision her handler ryan kreider made the defensive move of the day by body checking southern methodist universitys wide receiver out of the way as one of the only people with knowledge of her situation this was obviously a move to protect not only reveille but her puppies i was just doing my job said kreider i have to protect the future er present of aggieland the protection kreider provided was paramount to the future of texas a&ms mascot chain as reveille x will likely come from this litter of puppies the facts are almost undeniable lady rev is pregnant only one question remains: who is the father -lone star lady and beutel call

only moments after kyle kelly finished his prayer to the hebrew god before the first football game against lamar another god stirred in spectacular wrath zeus began to throw down lightning bolts to punish the bigotry of the aggies for hours zeus threw bolt after bolt declaring that the god of moses was not alone when he finally grew weary of the practice zeus allowed the game to go on tossing a bolt here and there when the ncaa officials blinked the game went on with a convincing win for the aggies perhaps thanks to the prayer that kelly sent up at the outset the following week the god of abraham knowing that he was showed up in front of lamar took a preemptive move to show the aggies that he was still relevant he sent a flood from the heavens the rain didnt make much of an impact on the good students of aggieland and the game against rice came as scheduled again kelly prayed this time calling the god of jacob with echoing force to bless the game and the injured as the stadium amplified the prayer another god awoke with the monotheistic blasphemy still ringing in his ears poseidons rage took shape with the field still saturated from the other gods rain poseidon dug in after every play he shook the ground patches of grass erupted from the field and flew across the earth holes appeared in place of solid ground with calculated precision poseidon toyed with the grounds crew for four quarters the raging gods wreaked havoc on the aggies and their win over the owls came by a slim margin however the unrest above did not end with the final whistle the battle continues after a rescheduled venue for breakaway on tuesday the balance of power shifted again wednesday afternoon students emerged from class to find apollo fanning the blaze of the sun while the god of joseph forced rain to fall once more the contradicting weather caused many students to seek shelter while others were paralyzed by fear through it all the chaos above was evident around 5:00 the gods finally reached a peace agreement and the god of noah sent a beautiful sky-spanning rainbow to promise the students that the strife was over not to be outdone iris sent a second rainbow just a bit higher than the first -commons lobbyist

follow @bigoldhoneybear

last week texas a&m student health services unveiled a plan to install new vending machines across campus however instead of pepsi products and starbucks frappuccinos these state-of-the-art dispensers will contain a stock of the medicinal variety each dispenser will be equipped with various prescription strengths of the drug amphetamine sulfate commonly referred to as adderall martha dannenbaum director of student health services made the announcement this past wednesday as an elite university we are proud to provide our students with the premier tools to ensure their utmost success said dannenbaum both in the classroom and in their future careers the announcement comes on the heels of numerous meetings between texas a&m officials and teva pharmaceutical industries the primary manufacturer and patent holder of adderall and the fast acting variant adderall xr reports indicate that the university was first contacted by representatives from the pharmaceutical giant this summer and they began meeting soon after meetings were very productive said texas a&m board member jacob holland who was assigned to the specialized task force i admit that i was skeptical at first in light of the concerning evidence of long term dependence and addictive tendencies related with the drug but [teva pharmaceuticals] allowed us to test the product and i have to say it was the most engaging meeting i have ever been a part of we nailed down the details in 15 minutes and spent the remaining eight and a half hours discussing the irreversible consequences of 17th century imperialism on the indigenous gecko population of southern guatemala early details about the dispensers indicate that they will accept cash and credit card although technical difficulties with the latter indicate that credit cards will only be readable approximately one out of every twelve attempts additionally inside sources revealed that there is considerable discussion pertaining to the allowance of dining dollars as a form payment student health services has also announced a plan to incorporate the writing of adderall prescriptions at the on campus beutel health center the test which is to be administered by teva officials is rumored to consist of participants sitting in a room popcorn reading excerpts from ayn rands dystopian novel atlas shrugged prescriptions are allotted to students who elect to leave the room dannenbaum concluded the announcement by saying study drug abuse has long been a concerning issue at universities across the country with students willing to do anything in order to get a competitive advantage over their classmates we at texas a&m hope to transform that abuse into a service the problem into a solution -riffety raff

aggies attending the football game this weekend witnessed a special treat: the rice middle school improv group affectionately nicknamed the mob as the rice middle school band performed at halftime the improv group was allowed to join their classmates on the field to perform a small skit they put together all by themselves since 1970 the rice middle school band has been performing controversial halftime shows while dressed as 1920s gangsters weve been using middle school students for years said chuck throckmorton director of the mob we would use college students because they are much more talented but when they get that old they realize theyre too cool for it and all it has been over four decades since the mob has been allowed to play in kyle field and their parents couldnt be more proud im just so happy for my little petey said julia barnes mother of peter barnes who would have thought that all those years playing in the backyard by himself would have amounted to anything the mob performed a skit poking fun at johnny manziel giving the bird to the washington redskins a few weeks back although most of the parents who attended the performance were excited some parents didnt quite agree with some of the skits racier details i just cant believe they wanted to throw the fingerand you know which onefor all those people to see said deborah gerwitz mother of piccolo chair eugene gerwitz along with a few other parents mrs gerwitz insisted that the children censor the questionable gesture the middle finger thing was a bit too much said throckmorton i actually thought we might get banned for another few decades the 12th man was mildly entertained by the affair but more importantly not a sabre was drawn last saturday evening perhaps this is due to what the aggies felt was a lackluster show we might have tried to lynch them when they mocked dead reveille said senior yell leader roy may but at least that performance was good -samurai sully

forget the banners forget the informationals forget the endless tank-top wearing sophomores asking if you are class of 2019 or not the flo chart is here backed by years of research and data gathered from all corners of campus the flo chart is proven to ease the worries of which freshmen leadership organization you want to join here at the mugdown we guarantee 100% satisfaction and a stress-free decision making process all you need to do is follow the flow… -sbisa cookie and honey bear

this sunday thousands of students and ones of buyers crowded into the memorial student center to participate in the msc open house the msc open house is a biannual texas a&m tradition allowing new students to discover student organizations in the fun and relaxed atmosphere of being slowly trampled to death the confused buyers and their equally puzzled real estate agents did not understand how so many young college students had the resources to potentially invest in such prime real estate a few were panicked at the prospect of a bidding war breaking out between so many people ive never seen an open house quite like it as far as the property goes i wasnt sure how the quidditch cosplayers were supposed to win me over but the belly dancers brought me back on board said james bockman a local real estate agent for aggieland properties i even met a democrat! not everyone was so enthusiastic frightened buyers and agents alike were found hiding from the mob by admiring the carpet beneath the tables they took cover under and commenting on the great open floor plan of the bathroom stalls in which they hid however a few had the courage to brave the crowd one of the poor things was trying to place a bid with an improv group when i spotted him said elizabeth armstrong a student worker the hapless man thought himself the owner of every blue couch in the flag room any room he could name while pinching his tongue and an invisible penguin named frank for a full four hours the attendants of the open house were jostled around between hundreds of similarly distinctive organizations but despite the mayhem most managed to escape with both their lives and a small rainforests worth of fliers -honey bear follow @bigoldhoneybear

heres this weeks sunday comic yup our sunday comic ya know cuz its sunday and all *cough* yeah okay um heres the comic click to see it full resolution follow @bigoldhoneybear

the lonely lighter advice column on: how to not be a total freshman hey lonely im a freshman here at texas a&m but i keep hearing everyone talk about how annoying and oblivious freshmen are i dont want to be that freshman how does a fish hide that hes a fish any advice for keeping my true self under wraps thanks fish in the closet hey flounder theres no way to stop being a fish but with enough practice and a few pointers you may just be able to trick people into thinking youre something youre not! if you really want the secret to blending into the more mature suave crowd here are a few tips on how not to look like a total freshman you didnt actually know yourself in high school at the very least who you were in high school was lame really think about who you are and make the appropriate changes most freshmen arent brave enough to make bold changes coming right into college but just going for it really makes you stand out as someone who is mature enough to really know himself or herself on a deeper level go by your middle name; drastically change your haircut or hair color; find a tattoo that expresses the new you and plaster it across your back maybe these arent even things you want to do but try them out anyways! whether you change your wardrobe or your vocabulary you will be much happier knowing that you chose your identity read all of your syllabi before you go to your classes syllabi are horrendously undervalued tools to classroom success they are literally written instructions to pass class that semester and students making as in that class will be able to practically quote them however dont think that means you have to read them all youll spend your first week going over syllabi pick a class at random and read its syllabus all syllabi are essentially the same so youll be set for all your classes for the week after that if you really want to impress your professors learn this easy trick for success you only get one first impression – dress up for class dont be that kid who obviously is exercising their newfound independence by not showering professors tas and classmates are deciding even on that first day who is worth their time who really deserves that help on their homework or the extra bump at the end of the semester practice your handshake introduction and that charming smile and introduce yourself to your professor so that you really can seal the deal it truly stands out when you are one of the 40 people at the end of class that introduces themselves and reiterates how excited they are for this class! remember the lanyard is your most valuable accessory look around you and count how many of your on-campus-peers are already investing in the handy handless technique of the lanyard the lanyard is the ideal item to carry your dorm key and student id around just punch a hole in the corner of your id and clip it around your neck youll never have to dig for it in your purse or wallet again! because lanyards come in so many different styles there is sure to be one out there that matches your personality perfectly! be sure to add/follow everyone you meet on facebook twitter and instagram as soon as you meet them – maybe even while youre standing there talking to them its not creepy facebook twitter and instagram are your social encyclopedia for the next four years if you want to be able to keep track of everyone youve met you actually have to do this most people find their friends dont care enough by adding them immediately it shows how committed you are to your new friendship be sure to remind them to accept your friend request! otherwise you and your friends will find yourselves horribly embarrassed when you dont remember each others names for the fourth time additionally you will always have something to talk about by bringing up that thing they did in high school that you saw while you were creeping through scrolling past their photos on social media! if you want to be well known and well loved the aggie class of 2018 group on facebook makes that really easy (click here to join now!) the aggie class of 2018 is a great resource for just about anything post on the wall all the time to start meaningful discussion with your fellow classmates topics ranging anywhere from what is your spirit animal to how do you feel about abortion/ obama/healthcare/gay rights/legalization of weed/gaza/ the fact that children in africa have no clean water/the possibility of life in outer space are all acceptable topics the more you post the better you will be known even consider starting your campaign for student body president or junior yell leader right now! experiment this can generally be left up to your own interpretation go forth and conquer never forget that today could be the day you meet your future husband/wife someone is always watching and you never know if that someone could actually be the one believe what you want to but very reliable sources on yahoo answers tell me that a great majority of people have already met their future spouse by age 18 that is your age you could literally meet them in your next class with this in mind dont hesitate to sit next to that cutie youve been eyeing on the third row or to say yes to that fish in the corps who has now asked you to midnight yell for the third time speak exclusively in aggie-isms and acronyms if you want to prove that you really know the culture at texas a&m say howdy to everyone you pass use words like good bull and redass often learn what poor yoricks was and where the quad is the acronyms are just as important as the colloquialisms if you dont know what the letters msc hecc o&m fhk flo dg bg ct bq ra ta ca ga cstat tamc ng dd igdiyt tfm and gdi signify you will be totally lost dont worry your phones autocorrect will catch up soon enough join lots and lots and lots of organizations you quickly learn that the only way to feel like a part of texas a&m is to get involved on campus organizations are a great way to meet people and put to good use all that free time when your mom starts to worry about when you will have time to study for that big math exam just kindly remind her that its not the grades you make but the hands you shake the aggie network doesnt have its renown for nothing i hope this article will help you navigate your freshman year flounder follow these simple rules and i promise no one will ever know youre a fish! with love lonely lighter ps fake ids from rhode island are the best way not to look like a freshman on northgate have your own questions need a little life advice weve got great news for you! lonely lighter answers questions from schmucks like you every week! if askags scares you and you know your friends judge you send your questions to [email protected]!

the tamu panhellenic community was relieved to learn that by the end of this years stressful recruitment week only four girls had committed suicide an all time low many feared the record number of young women entering such a stressful environment would lead to a spike in the suicide rate thankfully that was not the case still the week was not without its tragedies i was so excited for my daughter to go through recruitment like i did during my time at a&m it breaks my heart that she would make a decision like this she had so much potential said susan mckinney mother of one of the victims a week of sleepily trudging through the texas heat left many girls with nightmares of wiping sweat away with coffee filters while sorority girls screeched and clapped in unison these haunting flashbacks proved to break four of this years young normally strong-willed women among them was kasey mckinney who was found saturday morning on the floor of her bathroom after crying herself to sleep the night before additional stress was added to this years recruitment process due to the banning of chick-fil-a products for all current and potential sorority members i would kill myself before going a week without chick-fil-a said brittani wyler a current member of kappa alpha theta despite wylers insensitive remarks the tamu community has reached out to the friends and family of those lost this year bethany nolan the president of texas a&ms collegiate panhellenic council said we can only hope that they can live with the decisions they made i just hate that these girls will have to wait until they are sophomores to go through recruitment again -honey bear cactus jack and bellamy partridge if you or someone you know was a victim of recruitment week know that there are other options out there if chi o did not give you a bid please talk to someone who will: (979) 845-2700 follow @bigoldhoneybear follow @mugdown