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upon returning to her apartment after her final class of the week local student vartika singh was taken aback by the radical transformation that had occurred within her living space singh had been working tirelessly since the second week of the semester to admonish and correct the lazy behavior of her roommate fallon uptegrove singh realized that the freshly vacuumed carpet the sink emptied of dishes and the delicately arranged throw pillows could only point to one thing: her passive-aggressive efforts to fix her roommates lifestyle had worked at first singhs efforts were small: a sigh as she washed both of their dirty plates an apology for vacuuming while uptegrove watched tv et cetera i figured she would pick up on the signals i was trying to send i just wanted to help her become the best roommate she could be said singh unfortunately uptegroves improvement remained stagnant singh ramped up the aggression in her corrective actions at the beginning of october after uptegrove left her textbooks and an empty coffee cup on the kitchen table for three days singh piled everything up and left it all on uptegroves bed she began to wash only her own dishes and pulled anything she needed to clean from under uptegroves stack of plates and utensils i never actually said anything to her said singh when asked about her admirable mentorship of her once-inept roommate verbal communication honesty and clear expectations are totally overrated she needed to learn how to take care of the house but i wanted her to figure that out through a series of impersonal charades the action singh believes ultimately changed her roommates ways occurred last friday when singh became irate at the crumbs littering their kitchen floor enraged at the mess she knew uptegrove would never clean up singh swept the crumbs into the shape of her roommates initials: fu sure it was a little on the aggressive side to write such a direct message but she needed to know exactly who i expected to clean this time said singh and now look at the place! i bet fallon is super thankful she had someone like me to teach her proper roommate etiquette corpus escort |
protests rocked the east side of campus today as news that a liberal arts major was hired for a well-paid internship while petroleum engineering majors are still without internships and jobs junior english major sarah oliver received an offer from a well-known consulting firm because of her analytical and personal skills jobless petroleum engineers refusing to believe liberal arts students have any skills at all marched from richardson to the liberal arts building carrying signs that read no math no science no jobs we went through years of real college classes to earn our spot at the table said junior pete major logan fenster the world really is going to hell if that damn book-reader gets a job while us real students get left in the dust the petroleum community has been on edge since the beginning of the oil decline and the news of olivers success was the last straw for many i have not slept in five daysfive daysand i still cannot get an internship said fenster im not saying that i think liberal arts majors dont work as hard as me i know they dont! she doesnt deserve it! no non-engineers deserve jobs other ‘students dont know the hell we have gone through! the number of engineers joining the protest has been fewer than expected fenster claims partially because engineering students were getting lost after leaving their respective buildings and partly because they are typically afraid of sunlight sometimes we forget that there are other majors at a&m so we dont really know our way around campus said senior chemical engineer rosa burg i mean all of us non-petroleum majors made $10 000 on our internships last summer and were all pretty big deals so i dont see the need to know about the less accomplished parts of campus when asked about her thoughts regarding the engineering communitys outrage oliver responded with candor i think today is a win for the writers poets and lovers of culture everywhere said oliver sucks to suck engineers or as william shakespeare would say ‘thou art a boil a plague sore an embossed carbuncle in my corrupted blood fish daddy |
last friday afternoon local student aaron gilchrist a senior mathematics major shocked the aggie community when he hosted a press conference admitting that many of his problems were his own fault after spending over four years at a&m and seeing another set of midterms that i did poorly on i realized that i had simply run out of external factors to blame so the only place i had left to turn to was myself said gilchrist overlooking an audience of students and reporters from his balcony at northpoint crossing during his freshman year the excuses were easy for gilchrist a tas heavy accent his over-involvement in student organizations and poorly written textbooks were all things that he could easily point to when explaining his less-than-stellar grades however as the years went on the excuses become both more necessary and more tenuous because i coasted through freshman year without learning anything i found myself in upper-level courses without the foggiest idea of what i was doing and for a time i was able to get by finding copies of old tests was at least good for a c and i could always find a way to justify my mediocre performance said gilchrist after his junior year gilchrist used a drop in the local air pressure to explain his d in linear algebra to his parents however that was the last excuse he could come up with and now there was nothing left to keep the crippling existential dread at bay he was a senior with no real skills in his chosen field of study and now he was facing an entry into a crowded job market i would be blaming our football team right now for my failed relationship but theyve somehow been less of an embarrassment this year said gilchrist that was when i realized that maybe i am the reason for some of my problems and that maybe if i worked on improving myself and growing as a person i would be better equipped to deal with adversity when he was finished speaking gilchrist took questions from several members of the media most notably a texags beat reporter asked if he had tried blaming his problems on the burnt orange media conspiracy big brother jed |
in a strange turn of events a student who thought he was standing in line at the msc underground panda express found himself voting instead of ordering fried rice michael schenkel sophomore economics major had been watching cat videos on his phone and had not noticed that what appeared to be panda express was actually a shoddy sign made out of used chinese takeout containers hiding a polling booth looking perplexed schenkel followed the crowd and pulled out his drivers license as a form of identification when asked for comment after the incident schenkel said i stood in this line for 45 minutes because i thought it was worth my time i wanted fried msg with a side of meat and rice not a fulfillment of my civic duty i have already shared tons of dank bernie memes on facebook isnt that enough for you people other students that had been tricked into voting voiced similar complaints its just so inconvenient said kayleigh stimmers junior english major standing in line for sub-par chinese food for an hour is precious ‘me time now i have wasted it on exercising my democratic right and taking part in the future of my country my vote probably wont matter anyway those running the booth were not surprised with the uproar we know that getting panda is far more important in the long run than participating in this election did we trick them yes said junior political science major morgan herrington unfortunately logical and emotional appeals have failed and this was our last resort despite this clever guise voter turnout was still low many students had wrongly equated social media rants about the election with the impact of actually voting and thus had not bothered to vote at all students instead flocked to the other panda express locations in college station particularly the one at the corner of texas avenue and george bush in hopes of salvaging their precious three hours of lunch time to combat low turnout in future elections herrington is planning a more elaborate fake panda express booth that will be irresistible to hungry students: she plans to have two working cash registers come and bake it & metta world pizza if you are registered to vote in brazos county you can early vote in the msc two weeks before nov 8 (starting oct 24) or you can vote on the day of the election (nov 8) lines for early voting will be much shorter than those on election day and probably shorter than the lunch line for panda express for more information on voting in brazos county check out gig the vote if you are registered to vote in another county visit this link for voting locations |
the starbucks on the quad often called quadbucks by the students who frequently study there was constructed as a way for non-regs and cadets to come together in a friendly environment the large facility was supposed to improve relationships between the corps of cadets and the student body at large at first the starbucks and its attached study rooms were used to great effect non-regs and cadets came together to collaborate on projects and form study groups cadets were happy to find that the new starbucks and its proximity to the quad provided a permanent location in which they could easily find boot chasers the symbiotic relationship was so strong that even banner holding began outside the quadbucks doors despite these positive effects trouble in paradise began once non-reg men started to use the study rooms hidden within the building the presence of non-regs triggered cadets and made them feel insecure as they were forced to witness the display of non-reg privilege through demonstrations such as long locks of hair and poorly kept facial hair the promised land of good coffee and boot chasers was shattered as a cadets natural enemy began to overtake their home turf the conflict between the two groups resulted in the cadets finding their safe spaces in study rooms deeper in the quad rather than use the starbucks as a place for meeting people outside the corps cadets now abandon the location after getting their coffee i like to study in the starbucks in hopes of finding a boyfriend except i never see any corps guys in here anymore said kara frye a freshman psychology major and kappa delta member i do have straight as from all the time i have spent in here though said frye in order to prevent people from taking to the study rooms to watch netflix all night cadets are hoping to create sensible regulation for use of the rooms the current proposal calls for requiring the student id of a cadet to gain access to the starbucks study rooms at the start of the year it wasnt a big deal we could work on group projects with them…now they just sit in the study rooms on their phones it defeats the purpose of having the rooms in the first place said alex story a junior computer science major at this point i just want the university to establish a safe space where only cadets can reserve the rooms i am the one who has to survive the corps so i should at least get to use the rooms myself other cadets have voiced their support for a more extreme measure to protect their safe space within the starbucks were going to build a wall let me tell you its going to be a beautiful wall and it will stop all the non-regs from immigrating into our starbucks said donald beauregard a senior cadet do you know the best part the non-regs are going to pay for it with their student fees just like they paid to renovate our first deck seats the cadets hope quad wall construction will begin this year and will be completed sometime around 2030 lil event & netflix and drill |
though only in her second year as the official mascot of texas a&m reveille ix has already started making plans for after college while many former reveilles have gone on to live in quiet retirement this years rev is looking at opportunities to do something different ive learned so much during my time at a&m and i would hate for all my education go to waste i cant bring myself to simply settle down with the first hound that impresses me i want to do something with my life said reveille most reveilles have a seven year reign before settling down by the side of a german shepard or other working dog i really just want to take time off after i graduate and see whats out there i watched balto recently and it really inspired me to consider training for the iditarod in my spare time said the cadet general and highest ranking member of the corps sophomore gavin suel this years mascot handler was shocked to hear of revs plans after college i dont understand why she feels the need to continue working she would be better off having puppies who could serve as the next generation of reveilles suel said everything is done for her here i think she doesnt understand what the real world is like out there other students agreed with suel noting that the only sensible thing for a female dog to do is have puppies and raise them it seems to be popular sentiment that reveilles size and stature really prevent her from having a job after graduation unlike a male dog if reveille was a boy then she could realistically dream of having a career in the military or as a police dog according to her linkedin profile reveille has begun research into the job requirements of service and therapy dogs she is hoping that her current position will not allow for unfair hiring practices i think im going to apply under a fake name maybe a boy dogs name like max or buddy said the first lady of aggieland or maybe even my real name… after all my name isnt reveille you know lil event |
we bring you an inside look at the quiet takeover of the corps of cadets at texas a&m an exclusive investigation by the mugdown gentlemen im sure you understand why i had to call this meeting six men gathered around a conference table on a sunday evening in august tension filled the air the men were unusually brief in their salutations and stared distantly toward the paintings surrounding the roomdepictions of cadets and the university through the ages their corps had survived a lot pondered the officers how had it come to this finally the commandant broke the silence: gentlemen im sure you understand why i had to call this meeting all nodded exchanging nervous glances for years we have known that the mothers of cadets have organized and while they may have seemed docile in the past influential members of the aggie moms communities have risen to power they have created a legion of mothers grandmothers and aunts with one goal in mind to overthrow our rightful control of the corps of cadets they call themselves quad moms and i believe that… i believe we have a coup detat on our hands no longer would the mothers of cadets have to place a call to the trigon to change corps policy; the decision-making could be centralized with full control last spring the mugdown was approached by a whistleblower within the trigon about unfair practices regarding the awarding of annual unit awards we sent one of our reporters to embed themselves within the office of the commandant to investigate and instead they discovered a silent deposition of the commandant and his staff the quad moms organized their junta and set off to take full control of the corps no longer would the mothers of cadets have to place a call to the trigon to change corps policy; the decision-making could be centralized with full control quad moms understood the achilles heel of the office of the commandant: recruiting and retention mothers would need to leverage the membership of their children in order to threaten the commandants primary goal of growing the corps to 3 000 cadets by the year 2023 the deal was on the table moms would ensure their fishs membership in the corps if the commandant stepped into a ceremonial role quad moms had executed a checkmate and the commandant would have no option but to surrender the image of stability was paramount the office of the commandant would remain in their positions but the camarilla of quad moms officers would grasp the true power over the corps of cadets though the office of the commandant was stripped of its power quietly behind the thick masonry of the trigon quad moms are slowly transitioning the become a more public face of control their website even lists their address as the newly-conquered corps of cadets association building quad momscomplete with uniformshave begun to occupy the quad to verify that their cadets are being treated with the respect they deserve and are not being asked to do things they do not like the new mom uniforms were phased in seamlessly with the newly renovated quad quad moms first act in power was to improve the corps lifestyle after receiving numerous complaints from their freshmen turning to an already deteriorating 4-class system holicks boots were to become a privilege of all cadets freshman through senior our informant reports that the commandant suppressed the change in order to protect the corps most valuable whitebelt retention tool other mothers lobbied the cabal of quad mom officers for increased transparency in the interaction between fish and upperclassmen plans reveal the placement of google livestream cameras in dorm hallways in duncan dining center and mounted across the quad there was special interest in providing the pissheads with body cameras that allowed mothers to visually experience their freshmans corps experience i enjoy that mother can critique my pissheads performance mother ensures that mr jones sees to my individual needs as a freshman whenever mother sees something she doesnt like she immediately texts the commanding officer to let him know along with the major unit commander and cadet training officer said norman bates a freshman cadet mother knows best said fish bates as he walked to class leaving the side of the quad and making several of his upperclassmen greet him our inside source was forced to flee the area after the quad moms set up a physical office within the trigon it is uncertain what changes will occur at the bequest of the mothers who now have permanent residence on campus to act as a liaison between corps parents and university officials in the wake of so much loss and change cadets have found hope in the resilience of the commandants office to preserve big t traditions frequent support has been given to the enforcement of biders being remained peaked for all cadets except seniors north by northgate & netflix and drill |
after saturdays heartbreaking loss to the alabama crimson tide there has been a growing unrest amongst the powers that be in aggie football after spending millions of dollars on a football stadium indoor practice facilities locker room waterfalls and statues worth several mountains of bronze fans have become frustrated that the money spent has not correlated to guaranteed success indeed since joining the sec head coach kevin sumlins football teams have posted a record of 0-4 against lsu and 1-4 against alabama without any division or conference championships to show for it at a recent press conference athletic director scott woodward seemed genuinely puzzled by a&ms recent loss i dont really understand what we are doing wrong said woodward pausing to wipe his brow we have dumped an absolutely obscene amount of money into our program which means we should be winning all of our games we directly paid prairie view new mexico state ucla and utsa to come to kyle field and lose to us this year i dont see why we cant do the same with our sec opponents i have contacted their athletic departments repeatedly and asked them to name a price but no one returns my calls furthermore the athletic boosters have also experienced difficulty transforming their money into a guaranteed path to a national championship its selfish is what it is says an anonymous donor we spend millions of dollars and hours of our lives bribing recruits to commit and paying for whatever stupid bull**** the kids these days are into yet alabama and lsu refuse to recognize our hard work and let us take a turn at winning the conference louisiana cannot even fund their own flagship university! they should be groveling for whatever money we offer them it is an absolute travesty said the donor at this point im even considering using my money for something that actually matters instead of being oddly invested in the personal lives of 18-22 year old amateur athletes several message board users on texags have already predicted an undefeated season for a&m in 2017 big brother jed |
written by the century tree howdy there! this is your favorite local tree speaking we need to talk lots of you aggies have been walking under me lately and hey im glad that i can help yall make things last but theres something i need to get off my trunk it just needs to be said: stop asking me to make shitty relationships last 100 years i get it youre young and in love and you really want to make things last with that special someone but lets maybe consider that walking under a tree that magically binds you two to stay together forever may not be a wise choice for your situation is that really what you want youve already changed your major three times since coming to a&m but you want to eliminate any way out with your boyfriend or girlfriend dont come crying to me when youre stuck with some douchebag because you used my powers to trap yourself with that special someone ive got to be honest here im not even all that sure ive got what it takes to turn a shit-show like that into a happy marriage back in the day it all started out with some easy couples some pairs whose love was already bound for eternity walked under my untrimmed sagging branches and suddenly its a tradition people started giving me credit for making their relationships last forever sure maybe i played into it i definitely didnt mind the attention especially when all the other trees were making fun of me for being like a century old and so overgrown but now there are jackasses bold enough to bring their girlfriends and of only a week under me like i can do something with that and i dont think i can take it any more this is really getting out of control you all need to stop walking under these branches with all your baggage expecting me to work that shit out and make it last for a century im not a miracle worker listen i cant stop yall from fighting all the time and cheating on each other its not happening i mean at least give me something to work with here and then yeah sure ill give you that extra boost so you can be confident it wont end anytime soon but all youre offering me is a black hole of a relationship that is obviously not meant to be look ill see what i can do but just dont get your hopes up ps i wont apologize for making anyone alone for 100 years i didnt ask for any type of century long cursing abilities: good or bad yall can take the time to walk around me if you really dont want to be alone for your entire lives interyellar |
for many the terms hometown and where youre from are used interchangeably and thus incorrectly this correlation has become so common particularly in college towns and universities that it is rarely questioned despite the commonality of this practice however ben tattlebon freshman accounting major from plano texas has openly identified himself as being from dallas i find it a little offensive when people ask if im from ‘dallas dallas ive made a decision and i want others to respect it said tattlebon at birth tattlebon was assigned a zip code but his internal sense of hometown was conflicted confronting this conflict openly is common in the college-aged population especially among freshmen often students view residency as a binary concept; either you are from dallas or you are not some make the distinction though that while zip codes are pretty clear residency exists on a spectrum amy strecker comments on tattlebons hometown identification at first being from highland park it really bothered me that ben was introducing himself as being ‘from dallas i had overheard his earlier conversation where he admitted to actually being ‘just north of dfw but then i realized it doesnt really matter to me its his life not mine for most zip code and hometown identity match for others the question of hometown is a little more complicated of an answer 5k for yell |
what started out as a calm quiet evening at home quickly turned into a night sophomore simon riley wishes he could forget rileys best friend tom gauguin turned down his proposal to a casual night of gaming and pizza with an ill-conceived long-winded meandering narrative i mean what kind of ‘friend would do that if youre going to lie at least have the decency to come up with a coherent excuse said riley riley confirmed that gauguins excuse contained bits and pieces of previously told stories famous works of literature and even sections of several religious texts if he thinks my ego is so fragile that i cant even handle a simple ‘no to a low-stakes hangout then i think im going to have to reconsider this friendship said riley when questioned about the rejection gauguin stood by his prior statements and all of its extravagance you may find this hard to believe but i really did spend three days in a whale while spotting all the phoneys and spinning straw into gold said gauguin if simon really is my best friend he should trust and know that i would never lie just to avoid hanging out with him as of press time the pair are no longer friends which gauguin attributes to riley going crazy cutting his ear off and sending it to [him] plug down for watt |
hannah wimberly student body president of texas a&m announced sweeping reform plans for the university this week in an attempt to improve the schools public image the packet mainly addresses ways to educate and assist incoming students it includes plans to increase the number of parking permits available for garages on campus ways to make it easier for new students to find and apply for organizations and calls for updates on how a&m recruits high school students the contents of the packet have been mostly lauded as great improvements but some areas are more controversial one section of the packet calls for increased visibility for issues regarding sexuality especially regarding lgbtq students and information about sexually transmitted infections which has been loudly opposed by many members of student government and by the leaders of many christian organizations off-campus senator aj stevenson recently released an official statement: more wcg ssg and ucg will help carpool on ng and make it easier to go to wcl the msc scc and hecc oc sga member ra and lbar major aj said flos like flic fle forme flare fast flip msc alot msc fli free afc and prep should be shown to nscs fc dgs and fows hs students fresh off taking sats acts psat/nmsqts come to tamu and need uins as from tas and good gpas not the dl on being dtf sga byx kyx bca amc and the bor oppose the sbps lgbtq-std pr lmao its nbd idgaf about being pc for lgbtqs blm or stds like aids or hiv said dj jones gis major rotc co and rv tbh i only care about playing rpgs and mobas like wow lol or dota reading gbh and watching the qb hit the wr for a td on the tv in the msc at 6pm cst tgif ts&gs chophouse sweater burger |
last tuesday an aggie spirit bus struck junior construction science major brett samuels outside of sbisa dining hall this incident has sparked suspicions as the university will be paying for samuels tuition and medical bills from the accident i honestly didnt see the bus okay its not like i waited for it to come by or anything said samuels in an interview sure i know you get free tuition for getting hit by a bus and of course i wasnt looking forward to being in debt the rest of my life but i didnt walk in front of the bus on purpose! reports say that samuels was seen standing dangerously close to the street for about six minutes constantly looking right and left before crossing the street in front of a bus that could not stop for him in time the bus then struck him and he fell to the ground julia trivette a sophomore chemical engineering major was on the bus that struck samuels i honestly didnt think anything of the sudden stop the bus drivers are always flooring it and then slamming on their brakes so it was nothing out of the ordinary at first said trivette paramedics arrived shortly after the crash and walked samuels over to beutel he received treatment after waiting in line for about 45 minutes though some are sympathetic for samuels most students are skeptical of the whole situation it just doesnt seem right that texas a&m would pay for his tuition because of one little thing that happened to him said an anonymous student i mean i saw the whole thing and it looked pretty staged to me another anonymous student weighed in on the topic saying this whole situation is unfair i was hit by a biker just last week wheres my free tuition university officials are currently looking into the legitimacy of the accident samuels suffered a broken leg and fractured arm but is expected to make a full recovery within the next couple of months officials are advising students to not walk in front of moving vehicles in order to obtain free tuition mission trippin |
texas a&m is seen as a bastion of respect and integrity but underneath this facade of civility is a decades-long conflict: the perpetual bikers vs walkers civil war walkers are facing increasing danger as the university shows increasing partiality with the bikers back in november 2015 the league of american bicyclists called texas a&m a bicycle friendly university this blatant favoritism can only mean that the university is choosing to ignore the fact that innocent students are being struck down in cold blood while simply walking around as such the bloodshed has reached peak levels this semester just last week this bicyclist attacked two of my friends in academic plaza said junior zoology major allison kettering he zig-zagged through the crowd to confuse my friends and while they were disoriented he used his extra large backpack like a mace and struck them down a transportation services employee on a segway saw the whole thing but rolled on by like nothing happened the conflict has become so intense that higher entities within the university are becoming involved the board of regents assures that accepting even more students with each incoming class of freshmen while keeping bike and foot transportation infrastructure the same will eventually solve the problem officials cited darwins survival of the fittest theory as their inspiration we get more money from more students said jerry strawser vice president of finance and administration we will not have to improve transportation because in such high concentrations the students will just take each other out decreasing the population naturally and leaving the strongest most worthy students win-win! despite this tense environment some students have found a silver lining i am so fortunate to go to a school that challenges my reflexes and flight-or-fight instinct every day said daniel nguyen freshman mechanical engineering student no other school prepares you for the cutthroat wilderness of real life as well as a&m come & bake it |
after confusing saturdays football game against tennessee for a paramilitary takeover of campus a group of graduate students took cover in a fourth floor laboratory in the biological sciences building a strange smell and jammed office door alerted campus police of the groups isolation early monday morning a group of us were working over the weekend when we noticed a lot of activity outside there was loud chanting and a series of explosions so we panicked said a visibly shaken first-year phd student we are in texas…what else were we supposed to think the graduate students made feverish preparations to defend themselves against the certainty of armed combatants after barricading the door with a filing cabinet the students surrounded the doorway with urine-filled beakers to deter intruders they had also begun fashioning rudimentary weapons out of lab equipment and were attempting to ration the labs supply of fly food though most of it had been eaten by the time of rescue given the makeshift nature of their defenses the students were surprisingly well dug-in said university police spokesman steve oberhaus of the graduate students it was impressive it took police a little over two hours to coax the graduate students out of the lab but they were able to do so largely without incident one officer was hospitalized after being stabbed with a pipette while attempting to breach the lab he has since been released and is expected to make a full recovery wrecking crew reba |
first friday the monthly festival in downtown bryan has been a sanctuary for flannel-clad hipsters for decades but a select group of students have felt persecuted by the recent influx of normal people what used to be a lesser-known alternative to a night out on northgate has become a mainstream hangout for a variety of different social groups armed with clothing purchased at the recently-opened h&m that they swear they found at goodwill the hipsters have banded together to create second wednesday first friday used to be a spot where i could socialize freely without seeing a single pair of chacos said one student who for no apparent reason invoked her fifth amendment right to remain silent when asked her name now every time i sit down to listen to my favorite local tambourinist im forced to be surrounded by people who have probably never even heard of the boredoms reagan prescott a renowned hipster and amateur mandolin enthusiast is one of the main architects of second wednesday second wednesday will feature lesser known local talent and the best third-wave coffee bean grower in the south college station area to provide beverages in order to make sure that ‘fake hipsters dont try to show up we have obtained the entire list of bca and maggies members also we will be checking the parking lot for cars that do not have at least four national park stickers other students at texas a&m have witnessed the strife within the hipster community from afar and have some questions whats first friday asked junior sae member jefferson daniel when asked if he had an opinion on the founding of second wednesday is that like t-shirt tuesday jeffersons comments match the consensus of most students interviewed on the subject second wednesday is being advertised almost exclusively at underground poetry slams the liberal arts building and a select few christian bubble events it will take place in downtown bryan and attendees have been asked to refrain from political discussions except when explaining why they are apolitical or when talking about their least favorite new politics album foreign enrage student |
when the student body woke to the news of a scandal in student senate some were surprised when students discovered that this scandal displayed a few senators deep-seated sexism and hypocrisy no one was really surprised a handful of exceptionally insecure and shockingly ignorant representatives of the student body created a groupme called sharps army a desperately needed safe space for male senators after a woman gained executive power over them conversations from the groupme were leaked and presented during wednesday nights senate meeting it was a place for us to discuss issues that males on this campus face without the undue burden of public opinion the potential of sexual harassment accusations are a horrible burden that every male on campus carries something we always have to be conscious of said one of the contemptible senators in the groupme who ironically also oversaw the new sexual assault investigatory subcommittee at the time he was said to have been thankful that his part in the senate committee he cited as his defense did not include sexual harassment another of the senators went so far as to directly parallel the situation to the national election and confirm students disbelief at the matter politics is a game and this is politics! regardless of the scale we will be sure to make incredibly demeaning and baseless attacks after all whats to fear all you have to do is apologize and it usually blows over said the senator before referencing a thesaurus to formulate his apology to the wimberly family all this time i thought student senate was useless…turns out theyre actually excellent at highlighting severe sexism and rape culture said senior marketing major andy baldwin members of sharps army have assured the student body that they are sorry and they regret their actions i am truly ashamed in myself [for getting caught] one of the senators said i acted in a deplorable manner and i intend to make changes in my life from now on [so that i do not get publicly called-out for being absurdly sexist again] i have let this university down [and i will now be sexist in person rather than via text so it is harder for me to get caught] while the fragile egos of some of the men in the groupme were lightly bruised by the public chastisement others who didnt find it necessary to step in and stand up against the harassment were able to leave with dignity intact students everywhere are disgusted that for the second time this semester women within student government were subjected to sexist and heinous treatment however the accused reportedly felt relieved that sexual harassment and assault are not primary focuses of most universities across the nation so they are not worried about being properly disciplined though two will face repercussions the remaining members will create a new groupme: the good ol boys netflix and drill & the mugdown staff |
according to data compiled by bestcollegescom women make up 1870% of stem majors at texas a&m this puts the aggies in 12th place nationally and first in texas for colleges in which the most women earn degrees in science technology engineering and math heres what aggies around campus had to say if this is 12th place can you even imagine what most other universities look like aiden bradford senior nuclear engineering major i would like to take a moment to thank the industrial distribution program we could not have done it without you robert goodwin professor teaching intro to people skills for engineers and tu only got 1730% man they must be so embarrassed amanda clark sophomore member of chalk artists united student organization first corps commander then student body president and now women want to make up a fifth of stem majors these damn wags just want to take everything from us jeremy taylor super senior studying advanced basket weaving theory stem thats the major where you grow plants and stuff right sean jackson junior banner holding expert i am disgusted that 18% is considered an accomplishment for this university i would love to see more work done to put women in stem fields diane price junior studying sociology not a stem major |
if you were one of the poor unfortunate souls left in college station missing the mass exodus to austin this past weekend here are some of the highlights from the first weekend of the little-known music festival a prime instagram opportunity if everyone is being really honest more than half of the people who attend acl do so just to say they did along with a sweaty smog-filled time one can rack up the followers and likes if they show their individuality with visiting such an underground scene that random guy screaming all the wrong words sometimes this guy is the best part of the show he was really enjoying his time there and at least knew the bands name that is more than can be said for most of the crowd however he did not know a single chorus or hit any note he encouraged groups of strangers to dance around like hooligans but no one joined him despite his best efforts he tried though so that is something a mosh-pit-claustrophobia-induced anxiety attack in the end fighting to the front of the crowd was worth it because seeing young the giant in the first row was life changing although the seven hour lead up to the show did make you black out from heat exhaustion alone it was a top moment a $17 craft beer the guy behind the counter knew it you knew it that was not a ‘craft beer craft just happens to be a fancy word for pretentious but you bought it anyway because you needed the sweet fuel to continue on with the whole ordeal tons of really unique human beings from students attending our own great university to those crazy tea-sips or even massive groups of high schoolers all sorts of people were out to gather for a common interest: music a fair amount were from your anthropology 205 class others traveled to austin from all over the country just to hear their favorite bands most of the fans knew one maybe two songs of said bands fingers crossed weekend 2 has just as much in store to spark the envy of those left on the sidelines metta world pizza |
what is freshman disillusionment syndrome (fds) freshman disillusionment syndrome is a contagious disease prevalent in college freshmen that causes a rapid onset of disappointment many incoming freshmen believe that anything is possible after encountering unlimited ice cream in sbisa and teachers who do not make them raise their hand to use the bathroom after a few weeks this misguided idealism will inevitably be crushed by the desperate reality of being a college student a distinguishing characteristic of fds how do you get it it spreads through contact with the freshman wildcat the belief that everyone wants to be your friend and by wearing lanyards studies show that freshmen who attended fish camp are dramatically more susceptible to fds as they quickly realize they dislike everyone in their dg family and now have to make real friends on their own note: fds can infect upperclassmen but often manifests itself as pleaseemployme disease which is the final crippling stage of fds what are the symptoms fds is precipitated by the discovery that college will not be like greek or pitch perfect usually occurring after the first round of tests victims may exhibit: uncontrollable disappointment sudden denial of the previously held notion that college wont be hard and/or you have plenty of time to figure it out common among students that never had to read or study in high school taste bud loss due to nutrient deficient ramen-based diet and eating at sbisa insomnia and night terrors induced by fomo and thinking other people have already found their best friends realizing that nobody cares about how many ap/ib classes they took weight gain is there treatment fds has no cure therefore treatment focuses on managing symptoms blood transfusions from senior students reduce anxiety by making patients care less about non-important things such as personal appearance going to office hours just to meet the professor and sitting in the front of class moms love a recent fda approved drug and a promising step to a cure it tastes like the patients favorite foods and makes them believe that they are special patients in preliminary testing trials showed a 78% faster recovery time how can you prevent it wash hands after any encounter with a freshman avoid all eye contact with infected patients ignore overly friendly greetings that seek to engage you while you are clearly on your phone get rid of useless emotions such as ambition hope and optimism while most college freshmen will be infected with fds living with the disease is manageable and most patients go on to graduate and live happy lives if you are currently living with fds you are not alone that person crying into their burrito bowl at chipotle is probably infected too come and bake it |
a recent email from president young has announced the launch of a new policy at texas a&m designed to encourage student unity the latest policy is a response to the push to have the memorial student center be a dead spot for cellular service in hopes to increase human interaction between aggies the idea for this policy was first sparked last spring semester by junior international studies major stanley graham graham claims that the idea came to him after he noticed that halfway through the story he was telling at lunch all of his friends were either checking groupme facebook or twitter not only was i upset to discover that nobody was listening to me but i was also sad that nobody heard my clever joke said graham graham responded appropriately by pulling out his phone to check his instagram while continuing to let noise come out of his mouth so that his friends thought he was still telling his story this new initiative seeks to bring back the traditional aggie family atmosphere considering the msc is regarded as the living room of campus graham wanted to bring back the good ol days when people actually talked to one another without checking their phone every minute for something more interesting to see i really just want to reignite the friendly aggie atmosphere that once existed here whenever i spend time with people snapchat and other social media always seems to replace me actually being with someone in person graham said the policy is currently being processed and has a high chance of being approved the overall proximity of the msc will be considered a dead zone where cellular service will no longer be available the board hopes that this will be one way that we can create genuine human interaction in an age where most is occurring through a screen duncan dough |
after mondays presidential debate political awareness at texas a&m is at an all-time high while many informed voters can easily regurgitate breitbart articles about hillary clintons health or provide backwash of their parents political views others struggle to come to terms with their political education texas a&m has pioneered a policy to protect any closeted liberals: dont ask dont tell the policy proposes that if a student suspects another of having liberal views or being #withher they are to avoid any further political inquiries those who have yet to tell their friends and family about their true political identity have expressed gratitude for the universitys efforts to help them fit in with the rest of the student body i thought that when i left home i would be able to stop hiding who i really am said an anonymous freshman texas a&m is just such a conservative place… i dont know if people will be okay with you know me being a liberal the universitys hope is that liberals will no longer need to lie when asked for their opinion on social or economic matters thus eliminating the chance of any secretly left-leaning student accidentally outing themselves in return university officials ask that such students keep their political views private to help members of both parties comply members of the dont ask dont tell task force have provided tools and suggestions to make the effort successful with two weeks left of voter registration dont ask dont tell seems a timely and necessary policy to keep inter-student dialogue civil lively and entirely one-sided hillary supporters will have a higher chance of fitting in with their peers while members of the gop will be able to emulate trumps winning temperament the initiative is expected to facilitate a more cohesive and unified atmosphere within the aggie family as every aggie knows from the outside looking in you cant understand it so dont be on the outside 5k for yell to learn more about whos running how to register and how to vote in this upcoming election visit gig the votes website if you would like to vote by mail or are from out-of-state click here for state-by-state absentee voting instructions |
in the most recent attempt to keep up with new army texas a&m university has partnered with venmo the popular digital wallet app to allow students to put a penny on sully from anywhere in the world using the username @sulrosscashoutking12 university officials hope this endeavor will increase popularity on what they call a dying tradition nobody keeps change on them anymore said geoff sullinger vice president of campus traditions incorporating venmo at the sul ross statue will be more convenient for our students plus the time saved by not going all the way to academic plaza can be applied to more studying said sullinger with the universitys initiative to increase academic performance officials are looking for ways to make life easier for students i like the idea said junior kinesiology major avery delfino why would i walk way over to the other part of campus close to evans and cushing library when i can venmo from my bed while watching netflix the university is looking into new ways to increase the options for putting a penny on sully within the next year students will have the opportunity to bill their student account if they wish to contribute to the famous statue lastly all revenue generated by the sul ross statue will no longer go towards different charities to further keep up with the millennials at a&m all funds will go towards the opening of a new on-campus vape shop the delivery date of the new vape shop has not been set but university officials are continually surveying students on how they can keep campus cool good bullogna |
in a surprising move made by law enforcement last week a texas a&m student was arrested for possession of an alcoholic beverage these arrests are weekly occurrences for cspd and typically are no cause for special attention however in this unprecedented case the perpetrator faces a minor in possession charge despite claiming to be technically 21 years old by credit hours sophomore geophysics major candace kline who asked to remain anonymous was arrested on friday night after the police were called on the ring dunk she was attending i came into college with several dual credit hours for all the drinking i did in high school and i even got a 4 on my ap lit test said kline after all the bars ive snuck into and all the drinks i have had in my life i qualify to be of legal drinking age by now! mobile phone footage recovered from the scene shows kline being handcuffed while yelling well technically i am a 21-year-old by hours so according to texas a&m officials most credit hours obtained by drinking at community colleges do not transfer over to texas a&m the registrar suggests checking with academic advisors before claiming drinking credits on your transcript chad naralson a sophomore transfer student from the university of colorado said im having to repeat nearly a whole year here at texas a&m because they wont accept all of the pabst blue ribbon id throw down after a day on the slopes its gotta count for something right after 90 drinking credit hours (45 of which must be from a&m) a student is qualified to dunk their aggie ring those who do not reach the credit requirement upon receiving their ring are forced to dunk in something super lame like iced tea bacon & ags |
thousands of students are not the only force that storms through college station every fall along with the longest grocery lines since y2k fall unfailingly brings a religious resurgence across the entire community preceding countless summer nights on sixth street and in uptown dallas many students leave their spirituality in the historic district between semesters before rediscovering them each fall semester i completely forgot i was a christian during the summer but now that all my roommates are going to church again i am fully devoted to my church community said junior communications major francis pinkman local churches have reached maximum capacity every sunday since students arrived just as they do every fall and bible studies are easier to find than fish sleeping on a couch in evans this years revival has shattered the expected downward religious spiral predicted with the departure of college stations patron saint ben stuart even impact camps are still hanging out and have yet to spurn each other to the friendship status of a subtle nod or awkward wave in the msc im so thankful for breakaway my accountability partners from camp and some healthy peer pressure for bringing me fully back to my faith during my summer i almost forgot about it completely said kimmy donaldson a sophomore engineering major despite this season surprising surge the plunge is right on schedule after a couple weekends spent on northgate and complaining about keith swim churches are starting to look like the gym in february much to the chagrin of pastors everywhere no one has noticed…life moves on as religious entities once again wait for next fall koldus & cream |
fish spurs a long-held and audible tradition has once again returned to campus students from blocker to wehner are alerted to the presence of freshman cadets by the ringing of their wire spurs however recent spur thefts have students asking is it a massive crime wave or an act of vigilante justice that is sweeping aggieland this week in the past the sound provided fair warning and the ability to avoid the impending and awkward howdy now students are no longer prepared for their encounter with the khaki-clad kind until a cadet power walks by not all students are upset; many voiced their support for this vigilante group bringing peace and quiet to campus the organization which has come forward under the secretive name fraternities has appeared on campus and tasked its initiates with liberating bottle cap spurs this otherwise unknown organization appeared on campus almost overnight and identifies its different sects using sorority letters mitchell kaiser a senior political science major is the investigative reporter for the battalion tasked with uncovering information on the elusive group they appear to be a fringe group who at some point broke away from several of the mens organizations on campus said kaiser in wednesdays issue of the batt in light of the recent developments the corps of cadets has tasked its corps escort service to conduct patrols around campus to prevent further theft alex jackson a junior cadet provided the mugdown with this statement after preventing an attack on one of his fish: making the fish wear spurs is one of the ways we assist students in avoiding interaction with freshman cadets i dont understand why anybody would go out of their way to prevent that no matter how many pairs of spurs are lost the ringing will continue to serve as the campus funeral chimes during the first round of exams one thing remains uncertain: will the fraternities be labeled as thieves or will they be remembered for their selfless dedication to restoring silence to aggieland netflix and drill |
no smartphone app has done more to increase communication productivity and data overage charges than groupme the multi-person messaging app widely used among college students however in a recent press release groupme announced that the application will soon shut down |
thanks to donations from the association of former students the texas a&m career closet has helped many students look and feel their best during job interviews inspired by the convenience and practicality of the career closet one student has used this ingenious convenience to tackle an on-the-rise issue in college station the lack of appropriate outfits for the many themed parties the average student attends during college the costume closet is an organization that collects clothing and accessories for themed events with the goal of addressing the problem of lacking the perfect outfit to a party junior fashion marketing major ana scott founded the costume closet after overhearing a group of students complain about not being able to attend a party because they did not own an 80s style ski jacket everyone knows the main point of college is to attend social events it breaks my heart knowing students will graduate without these experiences because they didnt own a specific piece of clothing said scott not owning a basketball jersey in college is like not having clean drinking water access to these items is a basic human right this charitable venture is comprised of a variety of clothing representing classic party themes such as high school heroes mathletes and athletes and tacky tourist a majority of the closets outfits come from graduating seniors who felt their clothing could go on to benefit the less fortunate brad mueller a class of 2015 graduate decided to donate his ugly christmas sweater to the costume closet i honestly cant recall anything about that party but im hoping to truly make a difference in someones college experience it feels great to donate to such a worthy cause the new organization hopes to increase their presence on campus and encourages students to not be embarrassed to utilize their services i was a bit nervous at first but the costume closet has made a huge difference in my social life said sophomore claire mystrom i thought my sorority sisters would judge me for asking for charity but i borrowed a galaxy print dress and thanks to them i finally hit 200 likes on instagram the costume closet is asking for donations so that it may continue its mission to help enhance the lives of students and enrich the college party going experience -lil event |
over the past week it has become nearly impossible to travel between any two buildings on campus without hearing the wails of the fish camp orphans after two months fish camp mandatory continuity events have ended counselors have begun the great exodus leaving their freshmen behind to spend their time with their actual friends or wallow in the realization that they have not made any due to devoting almost a year of their lives to a color the results of this migration have had a severe impact on the betrayed freshmen who now find themselves lacking guidance confidence and friends they told me they would stay with me through everything! they said they were my friends! said freshman business major jordan grant through tears i looked up to them and now theyre gone what do i do now some freshmen are too terrified to leave their dorms for fear of actually having to make real friends others are beginning to turn to dangerous activities and substances to deal with the grief i didnt know what to do once my dg parents left so i applied for a flo said freshman biology major nate solcher i know theyre bad for me ok i know they could cause me to forget who i am on the inside but everything hurts its all i have fish camp counselors were reluctant to respond to inquiries from the mugdown to offer a defense for their actions for fear of the orphan mobs which have been known to become violent at the sight of bleached hair and septum piercings look we all know fish camp is not about the freshmen; its about the counselors an anonymous session f counselor said you sign up find people to drink with maybe date another counselor or two meet some fish then dump ‘em down the toilet bowl thats how it goes the effects of the great exodus have been particularly hard on freshmen who went to both fish camp and impact first my dg mom and dad left so i went to my bg mom and dad said freshman zoology major josh graham but they told me…they told me i only love jesus enough to go to breakaway and i wouldnt be accepted until i at least attended two more bible studies regardless of their reasons freshmen have agreed that the effects of broken promises and counselor apathy on the class of 2020 can never be undone fish daddy |
last april over 5 000 texas a&m students received their aggie ring a supposed ticket to post-graduation success the next aggie ring day is this friday september 16 and is expected to bring more students and family members than ever before due to this sacred event college station will roughly double in size for the weekend and the expected influx of people has forced officials to rethink crowd control in response authorities have decided to shut down george bush drive and texas avenue on friday the 16th and saturday the 17th as studies show traffic on these main roads is unmanageable on the ring day we believe closing down these often-congested areas will be the best course of action because then the issue becomes nonexistent said bryan-college station traffic engineer ron pasternak who earned his prestigious degree from the university of texas by limiting the roads available for transportation the increase in cars and people will be consolidated to only a few select areas in town which should mitigate the traffic jams around campus caused by the celebratory weekend george bush drive was deliberately chosen for closure because it is considered the perfect photo opportunity space after being presented their rings students and families will be encouraged to make their way to anywhere outside the association of former students building and the nearby streets because the building can no longer physically hold the crowds along with road closures aggie spirit buses will not be running by removing these nuisances more visitors will be able to attend the festivities as there will be more space on the roads i have always thought the buses were a huge waste of the universitys resources most people live close enough to campus to walk anyway said alan watts a senior philosophy major if you or your loved ones are planning on moving around town or trying to get to the grocery store it is advised to handle all business before the closures -metta world pizza |
the city of college station recently released plans to install a new color to the existing stoplights in the area in order to reduce the number of red lights run it is obvious that college-aged people drive differently than everyone else in the state so we want to meet the needs of the students here said college station board member frank sanders we believe that this additional light will decrease traffic accidents across the board the new light design will include an orange bulb placed in between the red and yellow lights the expectations for the new stoplight design are as follows: green – wait for others to run the red light and proceed with caution yellow – speed up through intersection orange – consider stopping but determine whether waiting through another stoplight cycle is worth the risk of causing a car accident and/or gridlock red – only stop once the other light turns green the city hopes that adding this new feature will provide drivers with an extra warning to blatantly ignore some argue that the costs of this new addition could be used toward improving and repairing cracked roads but the city quickly dismissed this as an option the roads are fine said sanders sure sometimes the potholes blow tires or scrape up cars but we have determined that these lights are more necessary without this new warning how will people know when they were supposed to stop the city seems to have given up mobilizing police forces to regulate traffic as most cops are not responsive to violations other than driving four to six miles per hour above the speed limit they believe the new light will finally control traffic activity in college station installation will begin in december 2016 after the students have left and traffic conditions return to normal and is expected to be completed in august of 2037 in accord with typical college station construction schedules the orange light will only be used from september to may each year mission trippin |
tuesday destiny written in a word longing and expectation delicately wrapped up toasted the line is anguish the price too great to turn down pizza rolls a roll by any other name would smell as sweet whats for dinner ideas churn in my head they churn in my stomach i shouldnt i cant refuse pizza rolls are love they are innocent on the outside inconspicuous unsuspecting but on the inside they are insatiable gooey cheesy a moment on the lips forever on the hips lies forever in my heart the box is steaming grease drips an opened box tempts me the smell rushes out steam desire just one bite couldnt be so wrong they make me want to lose control my mouth waters ive never wanted anything so badly i lift the roll every move is purposeful i bite in it explodes i explode theres no shame not tonight at least because tonight is tuesday love is patient love is kind love is wrapped up baked at 400 degrees but this isnt love it is fleeting lust carnal primitive lured by temptation taunted by gumbys i swear it wont happen again until next tuesday |
two games deep into the 2016 football season a storied dilemma has entered the minds of two-percenters across campus leaving games early can be a tricky affair; many students fear the judgement of their peers whose sweaty stares follow their premature journeys down the ramps fortunately for them texas a&m university has decided to continue the tradition of casting aside its core values for money by offering a new one hour kine course titled advanced flaking the curriculum will include important strategies for leaving a game early without drawing suspicion as well as a mandatory strenuous fitness segment testing students abilities to half-jog down the stadiums stairs while carrying the burden of the legacy of the 12th man on their shoulders lessons include pretending to talk on the phone while awkwardly sliding past people on the bleachers carrying an armful of empty water bottles down the steps and explaining to the red-faced bonfire guy next to you that you are just going to the bathroom and you swear you will be right back i am really glad they are finally offering this course said senior political science major jack offerman at this point i am only going to the games for the tailgates if it isnt close at the end of the third quarter its not really worth staying i really would like to stay and support all of the blood sweat and tears that the student athletes have put in but sometimes my feet hurt from standing for so long apparently even the freshmen are interested in the course and looking forward to enrolling next summer that seems kind of counterintuitive to all of the cool videos they showed us about the dedication of the 12th man but i knew it was probably too good to be true i doubt they actually stayed for the whole game back then anyways said freshman troy mcpherson who recently returned from fish camp when asked if he would consider taking the class the course will be offered during the summer sessions in order to prepare students for the upcoming athletic seasons and will cost an extra $600 when asked what the extra money would be put towards an unnamed university representative said we cannot say publicly but just know that it has nothing to do with buying out anyones 15 million dollar contract write anything but that say its for desks or something although the class is slated to be an hour and fifteen minutes long students are only expected to stay for three-quarters of instruction time foreign enrage student |
every week at texas a&ms memorial student center thousands of flyers are pushed into the faces of unconcerned students whether advertising a&ms newest womens organization or eating at panda express as part of a profit share most of these flyers go ignored despite the universal acceptance of the flier distributors that they are completely wasting their time and their organizations precious bakesale revenue a recent phenomenon has been reported to have occurred on september 8th freshman psychology major parker sandersen was seen walking through the msc and keeping a flyer handed to him the flyer was about attending the tree killer societys tuesday night informational in rudder 405 and to the astonishment of all who witnessed the phenomenon sandersen actually attended the informational my fish camp counselors kept telling me to get involved so once i was handed the flyer i took it on myself to go to the informational it turns out that everyone else there knew someone in the organization already or had been recommended it by roommates and friends so when i said that i had heard about them through receiving a flier i got some weird looks said sandersen when further questioned on what took place during the informational sandersen went on to say the presentation wasnt bad but i was disappointed that the ‘free food they advertised was just heb cookies todd kellie a junior tree killer society member reported his reaction to sandersens attendance i was shocked said kellie we are so used to students grabbing our flyers and immediately throwing them into a nearby trash bin or outright ignoring us…never did we expect a student to attend our informational based on our flyer the reason we make flyers in the first place is to stay in line with our organizations mission and values knowing that one of the most efficient and effective forms of wastefulness is by handing students our paper and letting them do the dirty work for us the first few weeks of classes are our most productive times of the year because the whole school is really pitching in to our cause whether they are an official member of tks or not kellie also told the mugdown about the societys upcoming profit share at panda express after a short period of feigned interest the flyer for the event was discarded -good bullogna |
in the fall every callaway-dwelling student from a suburb of dallas houston or austin has one date marked on their brand new iphone: bid day it is the beginning of a long path to find popularity contentment and a reason to go back home and work for daddys oil and gas company but for the select few freshmen who decided to hang up their white-washed wranglers and nike golf shirts in high school mens organizations beckon historically these organizations hold socials for potential members to meet actives who they already know thanks to gig ‘em week schmoozing however this years process will be completely altered something about the old process seemed too easy said beck bannet a sophomore member of brotherhood of christian aggies we could never guarantee the highest degree of feigned interest and fish aide-level intentionality the new process pays homage to suzanne collins young adult book series the hunger games at each event prospective members will gather in a circle at wolf pen creek where a large cornucopia of guitars ukuleles and mandolins will sit in the center in addition thetas chi-os and a handful of tri-deltas will be dispersed throughout the park after tightening their chaco and teva straps the washed-up high school quarterbacks will race to the cornucopia once the sound of ben rector blasts over the speakers those organizing the process predict unprecedented slaughter as potential members attempt to secure an instrument of choice they must then quickly find a sorority girl and serenade her if the girl is wooed and both hearts remain substantially guarded the candidate moves on to the next round each round will have a separate musical theme: favorite praise & worship tune covers of lumineers songs and that original song you wrote for your high school girlfriend those that make it through all three rounds will soon be welcomed to a fraternity without greek letters those who dont make the cut will soon be texas a&ms newest off-campus senators i believe in this new process 100% said milo baker the president of aggie mens club because if you cant respectfully win a chi-o with your rendition of ‘wonderwall we dont want you wearing a columbia fleece with our logo koldus & cream |
the board of regents at texas a&m plan to rename some of campuss landmark buildings including the memorial student center rudder tower and theater complex and academic building a decision many are describing as another example of the growing divide between current and former students and the administration the move is part of texas a&ms effort to raise $4 billion as part of the lead by example campaign launched in november 2015 the initiative aims to increase the funding for to research across the university system over the next five years naming rights will be given to donors who offer the largest contributions to the texas a&m endowment currently valued at close to $11 billion the decision comes less than two years after a similar uproar caused the board of regents to backtrack on plans to rename the iconic academic building the rick perry ‘72 academic building after texas governor rick perry a former student cadet and yell leader general rudder is an american hero! he led the rangers during the crucial d-day invasion of pointe-du-hoc and went on to be president of a&m during a major turning point for this school now it seems we dont recognize people who do things but donate things said amanda winston a junior political science major texas a&m maintains that the naming policy is in line with the universitys values and has been successful in the past susan hartford of the texas a&m foundation told the mugdown take the new music activities center for example donors come to us and say ‘we want our name to be put on the band hall or drill field but we dont want to have to lead and direct the band for decades all it takes is a few million and we can make it happen for them some students arent bothered by the news i love a&m so someday i hope to have a building named after me said chris stevenson a sophomore finance major if i won the medal of honor i would only get a tree at a secluded park or be the namesake of a dorm exemplifying the aggie values after graduation wouldnt get me any real recognition instead i need to do something that matters like make a lot of money so i can buy a building! when asked about negative reactions from current and former students elaine mendoza vice chairman of the board of regents responded i dont see why people are suddenly upset thanking our donors for their leadership is not a new concept at texas a&m or other sec schools edwin j kyle heroically donated the first bleachers to the athletic association i dont see anyone upset about naming kyle field for his demonstrated leadership let us know your thoughts: tweet us @mugdown north by northgate |
its time! *cue power by kanye west* aggie football is back and you can bet this season will be a crazy one with more twists and turns than our offseason qb depth chart youre going to need to hold on to your seat harder than every left tackle we face this season is going to need to hold myles garrett luckily the mugdowns advanced sports analytics team is here to point out some important games this season the season opener: sept 3rd vs ucla everyone has been waiting months for this! its about 150 degrees outside but the anticipation for this moment will keep half the fans in kyle field from falling victim to heat stroke (sorry to the other half) midway through the third quarter youre going to want to leave; the upperclassman will but the freshmen bound by the fear of judgment from the nine strangers with which they came will stay the ags are going to come out firing on all cylinders as if theyve had an entire offseason to prepare there will be an uptick of babies named myles in texas the national media will predict trevor knights heisman win its such a done deal theyve already dubbed him with his own nickname heishype nickname options: ser trill a&ms white knight knight rider the cupcake game: sept 10th vs prairie view a&m (at 11 am gag) its still early enough in the season that people will be excited for this game despite the fact that theyll have to be up at oh-dark-thirty to get to this one this game is little more than a formality but the student body is still riding the high of last week and the promise of the season the starters are out of the game by the second half were going to beat the trevor-livin trevor-lovin knightin texas aggie class of 2017 hell outta pvamu myles garrett season (so far) sacks: 8 the heart attack game: sept 24th vs arkansas at jerryworld this is going to be the best game of the season and we arent even referring to the football but the fact that it will be indoors jerry jones gajillion-dollar shrine to panem et circenses will be cool but the game will be hot inevitably the ags will find themselves backed into a corner at halftime some clutch plays will get the aggies back in striking distance expect this one to go to ot at least the ags will get out of arlington a cool 4-0 leaving bret bielema looking more confused than a corps fish around girls everyone is convinced that this team is something special the defense has matured and the offense has swagger unseen since the days of johnny you believe so much that you buy plane tickets to the national championship game that evening beers consumed: incalculable hype hype hype game: oct 22nd at alabama the aggies are sitting pretty at 6-0 hot off a victory over a good tennessee squad and with a ranking that has just climbed inside the top ten nationally the student body is absolutely jacked up for this game with a zeal normally reserved for methamphetamine users or sorority door stacks with a whole bye week to prepare a&m is ready to take the next step the team does not prepare hard enough however the wheels fall off the wagon our defense isnt as strong against the run as we think it was and our offense appears inept at best the fans are dumbstruck on what to do the aggies cant fire spav or turn to a wunderkind qb to fix all of our problems the students cant believe it an aggie squad has never collapsed in the back half of the season when we go 6-0 we mean it nick saban is still the devil you cancel your plane tickets to the national championship game hearts broken: 60 000 rivalry (i guess) game: thanksgiving day vs lsu its the last game of the regular season a time for many of college footballs traditional rivalries to be contested in this sentiment texas a&m will be playing our oldest and fiercest rival a university we have hated since time immemorial so loathed that they feature prominently in our war hymn and have shaped many of our traditions: lsu of course make sure you bundle up because the three hour period of the lsu game happens to be college stations biennial low temperature have fun making the wrong choice on whether you should go home for thanksgiving dinner or stay here for the game if you stay make sure you have food in your apartment because every business in college station will be closed college station will become a cold apocalyptic wasteland where you will need to scavenge for supplies while dodging drunken bands of marauders clad in purple and yellow on thanksgiving aggies break bread while tigers break everything else property damage: ~$250 000 |
at the start of each academic year the corps of cadets holds its annual corps policy update brief a highly anticipated event designed to put cadets in the right mindset to start the year off with proper levels of begrudgement towards corps staff and the office of the commandant in case you happen to be a non-reg not required to spend sundays in rudder or a cadet that simply fell asleep fret not the mugdown has provided a briefer-than-the-brief summary of the 2016- 2017 policy updates these changes belong to a greater effort to bring the corps of cadets into the 21st century and the 2016- 2017 policy changes reflect updates in procedures to modernize cadet life on-the-quad over the past year many junior and sophomore cadets have complained about the rough and abrasive language used by the senior class shouting things like peak your bider pisshead! or telling them to correct their uniforms has caused severe emotional trauma amongst cadets the office of the commandant even proposed putting all cadets in the same type of hat to prevent the prevalent peak privilege problem the statement gained traction after it was mentioned that it would be a policy that reverted to old army values and would please donors former cadets cecille sorio corps commander instructed cadets to correct others in the following manner: with all due respect please check your privilege remember you must be respectful and not offend the cadet additionally forcing fish to leave the quad through the aches is an archaic and meaningless tradition it serves no purpose and damages the academic mission of the corps and will be removed from corps policy besides there isnt a way to dictate compliance of minute rules in an organization based around discipline this also lead to the dismissal of whipping out on the quad in its current form freshmen cadets will now introduce themselves to upperclassmen all over campus now a safe space exists all over campus where cadets can introduce each other without hurting their vocal chords yelling removing whipping out is the final step in making cadets look and act totally normal and not weird at all the corps also expects more freshmen to participate in physical training now that fish will no longer suffer from bruised ribs and crushed hands as a side-effect of whipping out off-the-quad with the push for cadets to become involved off campus policy additions allowed this to become easier for cadets unless that organization is student bonfire the policy update brief openly declared its position on the organization previously relying on unit commanders to conduct the ban the premise is based on fears that upperclassmen will dictate how a fish spends their sunday to prevent this they will dictate how a freshmen may not spend their sunday new army duncan | sponsored by chartwells® for generations cadets have behaved and dined in duncan in a way that dates back to the mid-1900s however with the new quad comes a new duncan cadets must grab a single plate of food in an orderly fashion sit down with their unit and refrain from complaining at all costs the phrase no lines in duncan must not be used it is a phrase that incites violence and anarchy in our community and using the phrase will propel cadets into the chaos of the battlefield over a bowl of applesauce the new approach combines the proven efficiency of exiting an airplane and queuing at the dmv the biggest change however to duncan dining center is the introduction of the patented new cooking system!™ the food will be so fresh that you wont need to eat more than one chicken breast to remain full until the next morning! but wait theres more! the first 200 cadets into duncan will receive a free spoon with your meal! the standard male cadets have long complained about female cadets being able to wear their hair in the mens style with looser regulations in order for the corps to adapt to a more progressive generation of millennial cadets hair equality has been established within the corps male cadets will now be allowed to wear their hair in a bun in order to promote gender equality between the two sexes cadet arlo kerouac demonstrates the military-style male bun at a meeting with major unit leaders in august dont worry though it could be worse you could leave the brief early- only to be caught in the rain netflix & drill north by northgate |
after the massive swell of overly attached families finally fled the area this past tuesday august 23rd new students at texas a&m were given their first opportunity to experience the freedom of college no curfew limits or parental guidance accompanied these freshly liberated eighteen-year-olds after their parents moved them in it did not take long for the class of 2020 to discover the true nature of gig ‘em week a weeklong bender starting on tuesday evening and concluding early monday morning northgate pregames and off-campus parties have filled the schedules of these first-time college students while it has been an exciting experience thus far many students are eagerly awaiting the weekend with the arrival of upperclassmen old enough to purchase alcohol the supply will far exceed the demand maxine james a freshman business administration major was more than happy to increase his presence on campus by offering his opinion my roommate and i were at fish camp where we met plenty of people looking to experience college before school starts weve already blown through the stash of alcohol in our dorm room we definitely plan on having a pregame here before northgate this weekend our ra is 21 and seems pretty cool so i plan on inviting her to the pregame the majority of students have seen a decrease in enthusiasm as the week has carried on moving around campus in loose groups one member usually depends on the others for help the party last night was going well i had been giving this girl drinks all night but i never got the return on my investment because my roommate got sick and i had to take care of him all night said freshman joshua bishop students are rapidly going through their graduation money and hidden stashes of alcohol and most are glad that gig ‘em week is approaching its climax and swift end i am sure glad gig ‘em week is almost over i cant afford to continue to drink and spend this much time partying i definitely dont see these habits carrying on for the rest of my freshman year said freshman bims major earl jones fortunately for most students any mistakes or consequences of binge drinking wont be their fault the aggie family means that they can always rely on others to be responsible for their health and safety them once they black out netflix & drill |
with greek life being the most important tradition at a&m formal sorority recruitment can cause many potential new members to panic luckily the mugdown is here to provide tips so that you may end up with the sorority you want after spending hours analyzing recruitment videos we have created a list of tips applicable to any sorority at texas a&m first impressions dont matter each sorority will already have their mind made up about you before you even enter the house as they have spent the past week stalking you on every form of social media its not about who you are; its about who they think you are why be yourself when you can be someone completely different being on blinn team means you must be ready to be cut from almost every house remember youre only considered half an aggie if an active tells you that she has been praying for you and god himself said you need to be there she is leading you on to make her sorority have a higher demand of girls wanting to be there drop them from your list of houses as soon as possible make sure to talk about all the partying and drinking you did in high school this will show the actives that youre fun outgoing and mature enough for real college parties dress to impress with over a thousand girls going through recruitment be sure to wear an outfit that will allow you to stand out this is the perfect time to test out your new halloween costume because you can gauge the reactions of so many different girls when you walk into the houses all the girls will be shouting their chants it is a wonderful moment displaying the chapters unity and spirit if you are given the opportunity be sure to ask the most popular chant the one about drinking be sure to ask in detail about all the philanthropy work each chapter does charity work is part of the argument that got your parents to agree with spending thousands of dollars in dues after all take complete control as soon as you walk into each house show the girls you are serious and will not be intimidated by them they must fear you before they can respect you if you dont like a sorority walk out the door it allows for both you and the active to have the same conversation one less time if all else fails preference the one sorority you want and attempt a suicide bid or worse join a womens organization lil event wondering which sorority is for you check out our flow chart here! |
with the summer in full swing and the school year fast approaching many incoming aggies find themselves heading to lakeview methodist camp for fish camp one of texas a&ms most recognizable traditions fish camp also happens to be one of a&ms largest student organizations in need of over a thousand students each year to be counselors and staff members this summer one of those counselors was not a studentor even officially a counselor at all pierce grunewald february 2016 employee of the month at the local freebirds on texas avenue spent an entire weekend at lakeview mistaken for a fish camp counselor it was chill i guess said grunewald said after returning from the experience i saw all of these people screaming and dancing outside some buses i thought everyone was going to a concert or something so i got on one im pretty sure it wasnt a concert but im still not really sure what was going on those buses were heading to lakeview for session c the third fish camp session of the summer once arrived at lakeview grunewald found himself among the counselors of session cs red camp: camp cross despite receiving no training as a counselor prior to attending camp many incoming freshman were very receptive to grunewald impressed by his natural ability to fit right in at lakeview grace escobar a freshman biology-major-for-now and fish camp attendee felt like grunewald made for a great counselor i guess it was the piercings and weird hair but pierce really blended in with the other cross counselors he taught me a lot about the college lifestyle: where the best places to eat are what its like to find a job in college station who to buy drugs from… that kind of stuff other freshmen similarly expressed the welcoming nature grunewald created while at camp even though his mohawk wasnt dyed red and he only had a total of five facial piercings i still felt really at ease around him said jake towsen a freshman forensic science major it was like he was personally calling me to just be myself simply by maintaining an appearance that would make my dad uncomfortable unfortunately not everyone was as thrilled about a non-registered counselor working at fish camp blake davis a counselor in session cs green campa camp known to be bitter rivals with redwas less than satisfied with grunewalds performance fish camp counselors have to go to meetings fill out forms and complete trainings youre not supposed to be able to just walk off of a bus at lakeview and start mentoring freshman in fact i bet his eyebrow was pierced long before coming to camp he also had real tattoos which he cant undo after camp to show his freshmen that we actually do fit hard-lined stereotypes 51 weeks out of the year davis said when asked for their opinion on the matter camp cross co-chairs responded by leading a yell which was made up of the phrase red means stop green means go! if we were green wed just go home! no further comment was given when asked about how serving as a counselor and mentor has impacted his life grunewald said the food could have been better i guess and the mosh pits were weak but it was still fun sort of this statement was met with resounding agreement from the nearby freshmen grunewald has been nominated to be a fish camp namesake for next years sessions |
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kais doughnut co recently announced that they are now offering a special assortment of donuts that come pre-filtered using a unique blend of icing and toppings these donuts appear to have already been photo-edited to perfection some of the new donut options include: amaro – for those who are busy and on the go scroll through more than one filter no one has time for that this donut option is for ags with jammed packed agendas lo-fi – for those who want a colorful donut experience an experience that is joyful adventurous and whimsy x-pro ii – this donut will make you wonder if you have ever truly seen a donut dramatic existential your donut will write poetry while the others are learning the alphabet valencia – for a chill donut experience you did not plan to get donuts it just kind of happened ya know mayfair – warm and welcoming these donuts were meant to be shared vsco donut options are available as well but come at a price increase kai penberthy owner and founder of kais donuts describes his vision behind this new deal we realized the only real reason people even buy our donuts is so that they can photograph them it was just the next logical step in capitalizing on this trend the new donut package called the double tap represents the instagram likes that the purchase will accrue the double tap will not only include unique pre-filtered donuts but also a list of donut puns for customers to use as captions warning: putting two donuts in front of your eyes to look like glasses will not help your vision studies show this impairs your ability to see -5k for yell |
with mere days until finals texas a&m administration is bracing for the rapid devaluation and possible collapse of dining dollars and meal trades (ddmt or đ) the schools official currency the currency is floated against the us dollar but investors have speculated a collapse in the value of the currency causing panicked students to exchange the currency for tangible goods such as bottled beverages and 1000-packs of gray scantrons the trading center with mays reports that students are realizing that they have several dozen more meal trades than they can consume during finals week and more dining dollars than the aggie express carries in inventory chart showing the rapid devaluation of the dining dollar against the us dollar the uncertainty of the campus economy has led to distrust of central institutions such as chartwells and aggie express miranda ross junior applied mathematics student was seen pushing a cartload of 35 rice bowls from panda express she said i have to buy these while i can! 400 dining dollars can buy me a lot now but when i wake up tomorrow who knows what that will buy me a slice of pizza from sbisa underground im just thankful i have a freezer i can store these in for the summer a panel of economics professors headed by dr thomas saving has been keeping tabs on indicators of instability within the market of the many variables we observed we found the most indicative symptoms of a rapid devaluation of currency was bulk purchases of non-perishable goods such as gatorade and granola bars said dr saving when digging through computer records we found that the amount of meal trades redeemed by the average student increased exponentially as the end of the semester approached as we approach summer students are practically handing out meal trades in an effort to prevent a total collapse of the currency dr saving suggested introducing a negative quantity discount unit price would increase when buying in large quantities therefore discouraging students from moving their wealth from currency to food commodities |
after watching the seniors of their college struggle to find a job the underclassmen of the liberal arts department are feeling the onset of panic sensing the need to change majors while their degree plans will still let them a migration westward has begun due to the overcrowding of valued majors on main campus these students have moved to the less populated west campus in hopes of bettering their chances to find a job after graduation sophomore george donner is one of the students hoping to settle into a new major on west campus ive heard stories of people striking gold in mays business school if that doesnt pan out for me there are plenty of open plots in the college of agriculture to settle in said donner who hopes to learn a marketable skill from his degree so that he can feel confident when attending career fairs current students in the college of agriculture are against this expansion with many claiming that tthe once spacious halls of the agls building have become filled with former liberal arts students reading books that allegedly are not textbooks most upsetting of all to the natives is the foreigners lack of respect for the earth in which their crops are grown this is most evident with the littering of event and organization fliers brought by those traveling on route 6 out west bubba lee a senior rangeland management major had a lot to say on the matter they come here treating us like savages and forcing their main-campus views on us they treat me like i have never been in school before but i was in the top 10% of my school and president of my ffa chapter said lee the only good that has come from their arrival is through trading with them a guy in capri jeans and thick frame glasses offered me tobacco in exchange for course notes due to the sudden increase of students on west campus the transportation department is planning to add a new transcampus spirit route to connect the campus from east to west in the meantime it has been reported that the laah building is now quieter and less crowded than the top floor of evans library and is currently trending as the new 6th floor this post was written by one of our new dirty filthy pledges back to work lil event |
as the presidential election approaches students on campus have sprung into full-on activist mode briefly glancing at the trending tweets about each candidate many aggies have chosen who they will lend their support to standing by their newfound beliefs until the bitter end confident that their commentary is vital to influencing public opinion these students have spearheaded political dialogue at texas a&m the conveniently chalk-able expanse of empty walls in the wellborn tunnel have been deemed the battleground for this political heavyweight-bout turning the tunnel into a colorful combat zone of chalked passive-aggressive insults slogans such as make america great again and i stand with her cover the walls a spectacle of mild interest to the various passerby bernie sanders is the savior of this country said senior philosophy major evan wallright as he put the finishing touches on his ‘#feelthebern chalk-sterpiece his policies are exactly what america needs right now and i think each student walking between the msc and west campus garage needs to know this when asked specifically what policies he agreed with wallright went into a jumbled tirade detailing sanders civil rights activism and tidbits about hunger games star josh hutcherson jon manfell a freshman business major and supporter of donald trump is equally as adamant about converting passersby with a scribble of chalk i think the chalk on the wall is important and im not afraid to let everyone know that im a trump supporter after all trump always talks about walls in his speeches so im sure he would love the work we are doing out here whether or not you agree with the opinions of your peersor even halfway care what they think at all everybodys voice can be heard (or seen) on the walls of the wellborn tunnel even if you would just like to let everyone know that it is be awesome april you can find your spot on the wall between the caricature of hillary clinton and the make america great again with several lines drawn through it this post was written by one of our new dirty filthy pledges who doesnt yet have a name hell earn it someday |
on tuesday april 26th three group members on an engr 112 project were shocked to discover that freshman corps of cadets member michael stevenson a hopeful mechanical engineering major from san antonio had completed their entire project over the weekend engr 112 an elaborate hazing ritual that the university has disguised as an introduction to engineering is designed to break the spirit of any freshmen who take it until only the most self-loathing students remain i assumed it was a three-man show when i found out michael was in our group said group member and prospective chemical engineering major caleb lee we just assigned him to carry the box of legos around campus while looking as miserable as possible like the rest of the corps guys in the class imagine our surprise when he actually showed up to class with a completed robot i dont think i have seen a single group build a working robot all semester our ta was convinced that it was some sort of late april fools joke word of this miraculous contribution quickly spread through campus unfortunately stevenson has not been seen outside of the quad since the robot incident and was consequently unavailable for comment instead we interviewed one of his fish buddies allen rodriguez a computer science major from spring tx i dont really know what he was thinking said rodriguez usually we just get out of group projects by making up some corps thing we have to do whenever our group decides to meet one of the first things that a fish learns is that if you just mash a bunch of military-sounding words together non-regs will automatically believe it ive been using ‘alpha bravo artillery formation since august said rodriguez grimacing once the upperclassmen find out he actually did something hell be in deep s**t the corps of cadets was less than pleased by this development and quickly issued a statement to prevent any further outbreaks of academic productivity while academics are an important part of being a cadet they are not nearly as important as a cadets other duties such as memorizing obscure pieces of campus trivia and falling asleep in class said corps staff member juliana vega we are not sure where stevenson is or what is happening to him to right now but we would like to let him know that aggieland will never forget his noble sacrifice big brother jed this post was written by one of our new dirty filthy pledges back to work big brother jed |
the city of college station has received an influx of volatile weather since the end of spring break what many meteorology majors first thought was a simple cold front has turned into something much worse for the university a wave of what researchers call senioritis has touched down in aggieland atmospheric sciences major sara schmid told the mugdown senioritis is an airborne disease that routinely arrives in college station by mid-april every year however this year the infection has spread at a remarkable pace the first outbreak typically occurs in cities like baton rouge and tuscaloosa at the start of the spring semester it takes until may for it to hit schools where students somewhat care about their education the contagion has ravaged a&ms campus already texas a&ms student health services have reported over 8 000 casualties from amongst the u4 students dr paul bradshaw director of the ap beutel health center made a statement on wednesday: although much of the senior class has fallen to this unforgiving infection we have decided to utilize all of our resources to help protect our beloved juniors estimations provided by the ap beutel health centers world renowned cdc lab demonstrate that the class of 2017 can expect an even more severe strain during the next senioritis cycle to mitigate the threat of senioritis to campus university administrators have called on student health services to provide free vaccinations this week from monday through thursday in the msc hullabaloo hall and wehner students were also cautioned to avoid attending events like ring dunks as these seem to quadruple the chances of infection -good bullogna this post was written by one of our new dirty filthy pledges back to work good bullogna |
pdf version note: this is not an application for the mugdown you missed that deadline |
it is no secret that when an incident of hazing surfaces at texas a&m students are quick to point fingers under the pretense of staying in line with their values and mission one group on campus has recently been recognized for a history of testing their subordinates indeed it is a little known fact that professors are responsible for the vast majority of hazing incidents on campus fortunately armed with student rule 2445 texas a&m university will issue swift justice to prevent this organization from committing further harm the charges range from assigning a malicious burden of work to using a point system that can demerit the students in the course students across campus have come forward with reports like those of chemistry professor albert johnson charged with conduct unbecoming physical abuse hazing and creating activities so time consuming that his students missed scheduled classes to complete it one brave student filed charges after johnson refused to take late work from students and later assigned work that was not listed on the syllabus the assignment was impossible to do the night before i had to skip my classes that morning to complete it read the report on west campus allegations of depriving students of sufficient sleep causing psychological harm and substantial emotional strain have surfaced within the college of biomedical science one professor even corrected a student who gave a wrong answer to a question in class it caused me to be embarrassed by my actions i honestly do not even know if ill be able to go back to that class again said the unnamed victim who came forward to be corrected like that in front of everyone…it was such a powerful microaggression despite these horrors the worst reports so far have been those filed against professors in the college of engineering charges brought forward include students reporting that their professors have caused them to drink excessive amounts of alcohol deprived them of a normal level of bodily cleanliness and inhibited their ability to develop simple social skills with others due to excessive course loads as more charges are brought to the surface only time will tell just how many things can be classified as hazing -netflix & drill |
thinking about joining the corps wondering if your outfit is a perfect match just preparing to fit in at corps of cadets: the musical follow the corps chart! |
if there is one thing that students can take away from their aggie education it is the art of groupme messaging countless hours poured into group projects student organizations and picking the perfect meme have culminated into exceptional groupme soft skills for a massive majority of students at a&m recent graduate and former ska (seniors kick-ass) groupme member herbert henry has been able to utilize these fine-tuned skills out in the real world in our team meetings at work my manager kept bringing up communication and teambuilding henry said from my experiences in the ska 16 groupme i know there is nothing more unifying than sharing cat gifs and warning messages about where cops are located the aggie grad decided to start a groupme for his co-workers since then productivity has decreased face-to-face awkwardness has increased and his 56 year old coworkers have grown even more fearful of the inevitability of robots taking over henrys coworker richard lengel has noticed the difference in his behavior herbert has been secretly taking pictures of his coworkers turning them into memes and posting them in the groupme lengel told the mugdown he started commentating our weekly team conference calls on the groupme…and then liking his own messages which is just weird i honestly dont know how he gets any work done when he is constantly trying to make jokes on his phone theres a spirit that can neer be dm-ed 5k for yell |
another school year has flown by which means its time once again to say goodbye to our own graduating senior members just as one anxiously waits for the next bit of our content to reach the public so have these friends of ours been waiting to be made known to the world their time contributing to the mugdown is coming to an end but the legacy and satire they leave behind will live on amy brooke if a&m ever runs out of potatoes we can really stir up some controversy ben dierker secret secrets are no fun secret secrets hurt someone brian johnson shift the fat ass harry but slowly or youll swamp the damned boat connor paetzold last in first out joel wakefield howdy matt campbell sometimes your words just hypnotize me patrick oneal i want to contribute to the chaos; i dont want to watch and then complain taylor brissette i got broads in atlanta twisting dope lean and the fanta |
last friday civil engineering senior eric bloed was caught using test answers concealed in his water bottle to cheat on an exam in engineering ethics bloed who one day wants to build bridges that hundreds of people will cross daily feels like the course doesnt really matter during his honor council meeting in which he received a zero for the course it was also revealed that bloed had been paying his ta so that he would receive better grades on the essays completely ignoring the class condemnation of bribes as well as the fact that lives will someday be in his hands in an anonymous survey of other engineering ethics students it was revealed that many of bloeds compatriots feel the same way an overwhelming number of students responded with comments like ethics doesnt have math theyre for its stupid the majority of students also admitted to cheating in other coursework at texas a&m; almost 95% of respondents reported chegg has aided them in most homework theyve completed in college however nearly three-fourths of respondents claimed they felt ready to make crucial engineering decisions despite the strong correlation between those who identified ethics as not being important and low projected grades in regards to the trouble he is in bloed said ethics is the stupidest class i am taking right now and there really isnt any reason i should have to expend any effort on it nobody ever learned anything from ethics! ethics cant help you solve math problems or build a road who cares about heiress-turtle and his viral ethics or what utility terrorism says you should do i know what right and wrong is i dont need some dead guy to tell me that bloed was last seen trying to find someone to take the fundamentals of engineering exam for him because he doesnt need to take another test after getting a freakin engineering degree -gingerbredass |
mugdown lowdown: how to represent texas a&m as the class of 2016 prepares to leave dear old aggieland the mugdown has done some digging to find out what it means to be a real aggie by sharing this tell-all guide we want to ensure that those who come behind fill the shoes that came before based on our research which included longitudinal studies of administrators observational data opinion surveys and intensive groupme infiltration we have concluded that one unique value permeates everything we do here at texas a&m led by the board of regents and campus leaders and adhered to by the 60 000-member student body aggies do hypocrisy better than anyone else in addition to excellence integrity leadership loyalty respect and selfless service students at a&m exemplify hypocrisy in all we do according to chancellor john sharp our core values help texas a&m achieve its purpose of developing leaders and hypocrisy is an integral part of modern leadership additionally hypocrisy truly captures this institutions mission the real purpose for which is actually to make money we found that all of our core values already had some element of hypocrisy so much so that it warranted its own recognition honor code only in person one of our core values integrity dictates that an aggie does not lie cheat or steal nor tolerate those who do however most students are aware of the official university stance that this statement does not apply to our online courses take-home quizzes and exams or online homework assignments why should integrity apply virtually with handy resources all over the internet it is all too simple to find all your courses answers somewhere on the web why even try to combat the epidemic of collaborating said freshman frank abagnale jr it makes more sense to just accept that the honor code is for select places ya know kind of like selective hearing but for ethical stuff loyal to only the redass part of what makes a&m so great are the traditions that foster a sense of loyalty within the student body however if one is more adherent to tradition than another they are given the authority to discount other aggies experiences never mind that some people want to focus on grades or need to have a job if you have time to devote to repeating archaic actions to profess your school spirit then you are bestowed the divine right to create in-groups and out-groups forming divisions is one of the most valuable skills a leader can have definitely better than loyalty not only is being redass encouraged but anything less is discouraged respect for the similar every aggie knows that when they attend texas a&m they arent just going to school but joining a family a&m students are known for their friendliness which can be seen in the way they greet each other with a warm howdy aggies respect each other that is unless that person is different everyone knows that inclusion in the aggie family does not automatically extend to students who are not white straight cisgendered christian or texan after all respect would lose its value if it was all-inclusive differing views and beliefs can be tolerated at texas a&m but certainly not respected- that is reserved for christendom in 2013 the student senate even gave voice to the students when they encouraged opting out of funding for the lgbt resources how respectful! remember were all a family here but every family functions better with a little resentment and hatred for one another selfless service is only important for one day there is nothing more emblematic of aggie spirit than storing up all that selfless service for the biggest day of the year the big event is a massive service project where for one day only over 22 000 students gather to give back to the community thankfully this day absolves students from having to do any more selfless service for the rest of the year and precludes them from doing it before the dedication it takes to wake up early wait around in a crowd fight traffic and then do gardening work for a middle-class family is an incredibly high bar of altruism done only from the kindness of our hearts (and free shirts we demand our shirts big event we will not be denied) an integral part of the big event is social pressure- a&m students especially love to be selfless when they can gain social validation for it the big event fixes everything and makes all of college stations problems go away… if only there were other nearby communities that could benefit from volunteer efforts cs get degrees excellence is an important part of any aggie developing into a leader except for when it comes to excelling at school students at texas a&m are encouraged to do just about anything to detract from their schoolwork: join seven organizations to occupy valuable weeknight homework time go for it spend an entire day on football that could be used for studying you would be crazy not to drink on a thursday night and skip all of your friday classes youre only in college once the old adage that ‘cs get degrees rings true to this day so wouldnt it make more sense for our core value to be mediocrity 40 and go and a+ serve as a reminder of how mediocre the typical student at a&m is; instead of attending class and paying attention we pay someone else to spoon feed test answers to us remember ags excel at everything you do except school then youre just ruining the curve for the rest of us leadership texas a&m prides itself on the high quality leaders that it produces this is so important to texas a&m that there are not only leadership positions in normal organizations but leadership organizations that exist for the sole purpose of developing members into leaders these organizations are so popular that when it comes time for the members to apply to be in a leadership position in the leadership organization the competition is so intense that almost all of them are denied the opportunity to lead leadership organizations at a&m love to incorporate the core value of selfless service into what they do emphasizing the concept of servant leadership with the addition of hypocrisy campus leaders will be able to officially incorporate something they have been doing all along hypocritical leadership students serving in leadership positions will be able to stop pretending to care about the mission of their organization or the general members and focus on what really matters their own self development and resume-boosting experience graduation is a bittersweet time for many students but the student body as a whole can rest easy knowing that we as an aggie family are able to wave goodbye to our fellow ags knowing that their legacy will be carried on whether it is cheating on that online exam or simply ignoring the weird kid in chem lab we will continue to teach future aggies the value of hypocrisy just as the generations before have taught us -gingerbredass metta world pizza gigsaw puzzle panda expressions and commons lobbyist |
when freshman are asked why they attended texas a&m the easy answer that nearly every single one will tell you is the traditions! now that the class of 2016 is about to walk across the stage and join the legions of former students lets see just how their passion blossomed tradition freshmen senior 12th man students stand throughout the entire football game in order to show support for their aggie football team! an old tradition that dates back to e king gill and the 1922 game against centre college when gill stood on the sidelines the whole game just in case he was needed or thats what my dad used to tell me after a good amount of pregaming and tailgating i might find my way up to the game ill stand out of social obligation and keep my eye on the game clock the whole time ill probably (definitely) be on my couch at home in the air conditioning by halftime the only way id be able to go the distance is by the power of lemon chills midnight yell students gather in kyle field the midnight before every home game ready to practice yells so that they are perfect the next day its the best way to spend a friday night! the last thing i want to do at 11pm on a weekend is to find my way to campus and stand in a large crowd if they would arrange one at chimys consider me there plus then the lighter thing would actually work maroon out all of the students purchase maroon out shirts in order to appear unified in support of the aggie team everybody should head to the msc to pick one up! pull the maroon out shirt that i bought freshmen year from the depths of my dresser wrinkled and stained that is fine its just maroon out is it even a real tradition i probably learned that at fish camp at one point mugging down every midnight yell the lights are turned out allowing dates to mug down or kiss if students did not bring a date they can hold up a lighter and use the lights to find other lonely ags maybe ill ask that girl in pols 206 to be my date… if i am single mono doesnt sound like fun if i am in a relationship we can kiss whenever we damn well pleasealso the people who kiss at midnight yell have no chill anyway it is either timid freshman or brazen juniors theres no in between howdy the official greeting of texas a&m! everyone says it to one another all the time! i am pretty sure that i have not even made eye contact with someone on campus in at least a semester or two fightin texas aggie band our band is dope i like it when the tubas go huh when they turn we always win halftime our band is dope i like it when the tubas go huh when they turn we always win halftime penny on sully placing a penny on the statue of sul ross in academic plaza is supposed to bring the student good luck on their tests i know im going to give it a shot come finals week! who can afford to spare the pennies hard pass if that tortoise that they tape dollar bills to is there i might take my earbuds out though ive also learned that there is no such thing as luck in college only disappointment century tree a popular marriage proposal place for aggie lovebirds if a couple walks under its branches together they will be together forever and if someone walks under alone they will be doomed to be alone forever ill keep my distance! another proposal hes a junior a junior is that old enough to make these kinds of decisions im a whole year older and this is the fourth day in a row that im wearing these sweatpants really glad i could contribute to the ambiance of your proposal when i look like human garbage i also dont believe in the single forever thing but im not gonna test it aggie ring i cant wait to get my piece of aggie gold! the aggie ring is full of symbolism and will be a lifelong reminder that im part of something bigger than myself: the aggie family i am counting the class hours until i can apply i am never taking it off once i get it i only wear my aggie ring to job interviews in hopes that the interviewer went here i make sure to brush my face a lot so they catch a signal from my aggie homing beacon please please please hire me i am desperate here in aggieland if you do it twice its tradition but once you do it a fourth time its whatever remember that the next time you call someone a 2%er -beutel call and gingerbredass |
opinion: i support hazing its an unpopular opinion but actually challenging subordinates is harder as a member of the texas a&m corps of cadets i have been denied the chance to reciprocate certain things that were done to me during my time as a fish due to some new proactive anti-hazing policies hazing exists in the corps of cadets to challenge the fish both mentally and physically and to instill a sense of brotherhood it shouldnt matter that it serves no point since the corps is the only organization on campus legally allowed to conduct physical training it is redass and old army to be subjected to hazing and to smoke the fish former cadets tell me the corps isnt as hard as it used to be besides the fact that physical fitness standards in the corps are higher than ever back then cadets used to highport the guidon on runs and thats forbidden now it doesnt matter that the guidon bearer was only a single person the war on hazing is a politically correct effort to target the unique culture within the corps by claiming the tradition is hurtful i never felt harmed by my upperclassmen their aim was to ensure that only the members they thought belonged in the unit remained without hazing how can my experience be validated by former members of the corps without being been forced to exercise outside of the standard 5 opportunities a week corps brass would be a participation trophy personal servitude let me know which upperclassmen truly cared about me making sure to waste my time having me do favors for them regardless of my upcoming exams poor leaders use the tools given to them by the corps if i wanted to physically challenge my subordinates the 5+ hours a week when its authorized then i would have to workout with them who wants to write a military letter (the tool that allows cadets to do additional training activities or unusually strenuous ones) when i could just walk into a their room at night and make them work out i mean the things you can get approved with a military letter like nuke runs log pt and cfts sound hard… i dont know if even i could do those things i heard some outfits even get workouts approved for saturdays but who wants to do something on a weekend id rather just use the freshmen as my personal taxi service corrective physical training is a step in the right direction but i have to be present at activity or formation to use it i couldnt imagine what actually being present at training times and doing difficult events would be like its hard enough registering for the courses that excuse me from afternoon activity and its not my fault that i cant seem to wake up for more than one morning activity a week i would be there but im a student after all and i need to focus on my grades its just easier for me to haze them and achieve the same result after all thats what happened to me how else will i feel they earned their place or ensure they respect me does the office of the commandant actually think that if i showed up to activity and cared about my subordinates they would respect me every cadet knows the numerous tools such as the demerit system military letters and cpt are all useless and half-measures if done correctly hazing provides a wonderful experience that brings people together except those who speak against it and are socially outcast because of it -netflix & drill |
in response to questions about the universitys responsibility in alcohol education texas a&m announced in an email tuesday that alcohol education will cease to be a part of fish camp and new student conferences many have argued that informing students of the dangers of alcohol and demonstrating responsible consumption will encourage more students to drink responsibly some for the first time opponents of alcohol education claim the university has no place telling its students about something that is the parents right to teach karen page of the dallas aggie moms club said the only acceptable thing for the university to encourage is abstinence it is the responsibility of the parent to decide what their child should learn about im sure sometime soon my child will be ready to discuss it eventually i meant to get around to it but i just get so busy! page admits that she is by no means qualified to explain or knowledgeable at all of the dangers of consuming alcohol others claim that if students lack a proper education about alcohol consumption they lack the knowledge to prevent things like peer pressure or morning sickness junior bims major ottis toole said if students lack an education of responsible drinking then how is it any surprise that people could misunderstand consent when drinking with someone else yeah no one is going to pour a drink down someones throat but if they arent taught the legal definition can we blame them for not understanding the situation some people dont realize pressuring someone into drinking while theyve already had a few drinks isnt consensual others dont realize that halfway through the cup they can chose to stop with no obligation to keep drinking im just saying if you have to talk someone into drinking then you probably shouldnt be drinking with them in the first place toole a member of the corps of cadets attends a presentation on the topics at hand once a semester and agreed that having a strong education in what consent and alcohol consumption looks like benefits everyone supporters of proactively teaching students agree that while students may generally understand the basics of alcohol safety parents often avoid discussing the gray areas with their children i drink with other guys said a freshman who asked to remain anonymous i obviously couldnt tell my parents that and even if i could there isnt any way they could have provided me with advice on how to drink safely with other guys texas a&m encourages all parents to get around to discussing this sensitive topic with their young aggies before sending them to live on their own with a thousand new things to try and a tempting bar district bordering campus -netflix & drill |
the texas a&m christian bubble™ boasts an impressive number of student missionaries these students utilize school breaks to travel to new and exciting places lending material aid and spiritual guidance often working in some of the most impoverished places in the world the bubble proudly sends a high volume of students into such areas to provide necessary assistance and many missionaries often comment on the powerful nature of their trips i think the people of [impoverished country] helped me more than i helped them said every first-time mission trip attendee missionaries often agree that seeing intense material poverty makes them more grateful and aware of their own blessings it is often said that overseas travel is the best way for this realization to really hit home despite the fact that they live in one of the poorest counties in texas the bryan/college station area with its large homeless population and abundance of low-income families is simply not as appealing to the servant-hearted missionaries that live in a potential mission-field throughout the year eric kenter a sophomore accounting major who travelled to zambia for four days during spring break said sure 27% of brazos county residents live below the poverty line but how else would i have satisfied my wanderlust… i mean… the call to go make disciples of all nations kenter and his fellow missionaries raved about the incredible work they were able to do for the zambian people: building a community center repairing houses and sharing the word of god they noted that these needs are so apparent in foreign countries whereas here in the bryan/college station area it is just a bit less glamorous to help out i mean i got to go out and buy long skirts thick colorful headbands and a new pair of chacos and its cheap because of the exchange rate! said economics freshman and foreign missionary jordyn haden who raised $10 000 on her gofundme account for the trip- enough to buy school supplies for hundreds of the 4 600 children in bryan who cant afford them if i volunteered here in bryan i would just wear my normal clothes and wouldnt get an opportunity to highlight my adventurous lifestyle! for haden whose instagram bio now reads craving coffee and adventure nicaragua was an attractive place to go on a mission trip because of the countrys poverty and incredible picturesque landscapes that look spectacular in profile pictures she believes that her week of service made a huge impact in the community and feels called to continue serving the world when asked about her current involvement in other volunteering projects haden said that she was looking into another trip for summer 2017 in the meantime she will be focusing on fellowshipping with other missionaries while 14 100 residents of bryan sit below the poverty line editors note: please take a moment to check out some of the many local nonprofits that allow you to become part of the solution to raise our community out of poverty: volunteer brazos county (a catalogue of local nonprofits) twin city mission brazos valley food bank b/cs habitat for humanity the bridge ministries potluck in the park boys and girls club aggieland pregnancy outreach united way brazos valley elder aid still creek ranch family promise bcs salvation army texas project unity crosscentral |
why why would you not want a snickerdoodle and its free too a free snickerdoodle! i mean i understand if you are on your way to class but it takes like one second to walk by our table and grab this free cookie okay okay maybe you dont like snickerdoodles but we have a wide variety of snacks here i know you can see them because you just glanced over here do you like welchs fruit snacks everyone likes those right we are offering you free food at no cost a sum total of zero dollars you are in college right why would a college student pass up free food its not like we have piles of free food stored up in our dorm rooms unless…oh i see i bet you are the kind of person who got welchs fruit snacks whenever you wanted as a kid i bet mommy and daddy got you all the varieties too concord grape fruit punch berries ‘n cherries even apple orchard medley lucky my mom could only afford the cheap knock-off brand of gummy snacks that tasted kind of chalky and came in fun assorted shapes how can you have fun if you cant tell what it is! you want me to tell you the only time i ever got welchs fruit snacks i worked at a movie theater in high school and the kids packs each came with a small packet of welchs fruit snacks i couldnt sneak any because my manager was always watching but after the latest kiddie flick let out i could always find at least one unopened packet that had been dropped behind a seat and forgotten by some ungrateful child i would grab the packet covered in artificial butter coke and who-knows-what-other sticky substances i would rip it open and as my manager watched from the dim doorway of the theater (his mouth contorted in a smirk finding schadenfreude in my desperation) i would gobble down every last fruity gelatin morsel and you walk by like these free snacks are nothing! you narcissistic parasitic bourgeoisie swine! phew! sorry for the digression anyway have a blessed day and please consider coming to our bible study! blair vamptrapp |
early thursday morning animal services officers responded to a call about a deranged beast loose in west campus library upon removal non-business major bystanders identified the unknown creature as a lost engineering student business majors on the scene swore that to the reasonable spectator there was no way of knowing that the engineer was a student at texas a&m who regularly used wcl you should have seen the way it walked in here man sophomore trophy-husband major james applegate said it came in the door went straight to the quiet section sat down and started…studying onlookers were stunned when the strange student failed to recognize at least five people lacked any organization-affiliated clothing and was peculiarly unaccustomed to humble bragging listen you dont just walk into wcl and start studying applegate said wcl isnt a place to study you come here to get coffee see a ton of people you know and brag to them about how awesome you are how many date parties you went to this week how drunk you got how successful your event was the students in the library already on edge said that they started fearing for their lives when the engineer pulled out his homework it was horrible! sophomore granola-and-proud major andrew parke said the numbers…the equations…my god it was like taking math 142 all over again several onlookers called college station animal control which promptly removed the engineer their mistake was uncovered later when another stem major identified the engineer as a human not a feral beast far from apologizing the wehner community has banded together to respond to this incident business student council ol ags one army every fraternity and several other groups whose members spend at least half of their day secluded in the wcl bubble have united to propose instituting business safe zones where no engineers would be allowed to bring in any upper-level math homework as a minority on this campus we feel victimized an anonymous business superstar said business majors dont need to be reminded that other people at this university have harder majors than us we have a right to believe the hardest class at a&m is mgmt 211! we have the right to never hear someone say that hard skills are just as important as soft skills! the newly named offended business coalition has submitted a list of demands to president michael young contending that all business major student leaders will quit if their demands are not met the list includes radical steps such as building a wall around the engineering section of campus we wont stand for it anymore said applegate we need to end the culture of microaggression and systemic ridicule of business majors and the only way to do that is to hold engineers hostage and keep them from doing anything it is only logical -maroon loon |
with over 1 000 recognized organizations at a&m students are having a hard time buying premium comfort colors shirts for everything their friends are involved in if you are totally broke after spending $100 on chilifest tickets then discomfort colors is for you the standard shirts are just $2 each no matter the order size or you can opt to upgrade to a clean shirt for just $3 per shirt! no matter what option you choose discomfort colors shirts are guaranteed to fit your needs and the mediocre event theyre promoting! features include: classic fonts- times new roman and comic sans two bold color schemes- black on white and white on black two totally customizable areas- 1 x 25 on the front and 2 x 11 on the back low-quality polyester a very itchy tag |
while the corps carried out its regularly scheduled activities monday morning corps commander alyssa michalke had other plans with morning formation complete and all cadets off the quad exercising michalke donned her boots strapped on her saber and told her roommate that she was going to carry out the plan of the day entering the quad renovation zone michalke descended into the steam tunnels rumored to be destroyed and excavated by the commandant himself at 6:16 am she entered the tunnels alone only to reappear at 7:10 am covered in blood wielding a broken saber and missing her right spur when questioned regarding what had happened she simply replied i need to get ready for my 8 am at 9:45 am done with her first class and in a set of fresh-pressed bravos michalke finally commented on her mornings activities saying its really hard to say what exactly happened down there bad bull was there just like i thought it would be but i expected it to be alone i had it cornered but just as i was about to slay it 2% appeared out of nowhere and snapped my sabre in half my instincts kicked in i took off one of my spurs and cut its throat but thats when things went from bad to worse sexism racism and hazing were there too and they took me by surprise she shook her head i just wasnt prepared to be attacked by three of the largest issues students face all at the same time try as i might i just couldnt deal with them on my own but luckily he came just when the struggle seemed lost a mysterious figure whose bowtie shone in the dark like a miraculous beacon came to the cadets aide dispatching the threats with expert precision once an aggie always an aggie the figure assured her before dissolving into the darkness as quickly and silently as it had come leaving only an untied maroon and white bowtie in its wake the corps commander rummaged around in her pocket during the interview eventually pulling out the wrinkled tie still stained with dirt and blood id rather not go into detail but rest assured that bad bull is dead she quietly concluded at press time michalke was found spending her time between classes staring at walton hill drawing comparisons between it and a 19th century woodblock print in her possession |
with their formal fast approaching the members of a certain christian mens organization (that asked to remain unnamed) have been scrambling to find the perfect dates its a complicated situation that rolls around every april says one junior member there are a lot of girls in the christian bubble but when it comes to formal youre looking for the perfect proverbs 31 woman i mean this is a big deal – its no quarter formal it sure as heck isnt a grab-a-date if anything its a precursor to your wedding a few weeks ago while at the houston rodeo a sophomore member was struck by a revelation i was watching the cattle show and as these well-groomed sheep paraded in front of me to be judged i couldnt help but wonder ‘why dont we try this – but with girls at the next meeting after prayer the brainstorming began the premise was this: corral every girl in the christian bubble (golden thetas camp counselor chi os the godly half of tri delt a few select zetas and if they dared show their face a handful of gdis) and present them in a way that the qualities necessary for a successful formal would be highlighted of course such a well-respected organization could never publicly put on a cattle drive so there had to be a cover the concept manifested itself as a race but not just any race – a quirky 5k because in the bubble individuality is key after all it only takes 500 meters for as the french call it coup de foudre love at first sight alas the date was set for a friday afternoon the events purposes were thus: the race tested physical fitness and endurance level – keys to avoiding exhaustion when dancing the night away the organization members lined either side of the path as the girls ran through giving them the perfect view of the crop sources report that when registering for the race the female participants were asked to list their organizational involvement past summer camp employment and a short essay on what the bible verse in their instagram bio means to them following the race was a live concert featuring the talents of one member who crooned love songs to the crowd this served to test how the gals would react in a more casual environment and better discern if they fall more towards jezebel or ruth on the scale of biblical womanhood whether or not this function proved successful is yet to be determined further research will be done in the weeks to come to determine how many formal dates that were asked as a direct result of the event you cant blame this organization for understanding and acting on the fundamental truth when it comes to fangirls: if you build it they will come -christian cattle callers |
this saturday 22 500 aggies will wake up early and view their big event groupme for the first time since registering across the bryan/(mostly)college station area students will be at over 2 700 locations spending the day cleaning up the community that they have been trashing for the past 364 pressured into participating by their organizations leadership students will manage to locate a big event shirt from years previous and pull it on before sulking out the door at first the announcement that big event shirts would cost something was shocking but the big event realized that people would feel pressured to advertise their involvement regardless and so did not waver on their decision to charge those lucky enough to avoid going to lot 61 for equipment pick up will be able to avoid the huge influx of people at big event kick off instead they will spend roughly the same amount of time waiting at local destinations such as fuego or shipleys donuts for food more filling than starbucks breakfast bread when asked about their thoughts about the day students gave mixed responses junior ranchland management major liam mcpoyle said i think the peer pressure is a great way to get thousands of students to get something done for a community that really cares about students and isnt just looking for free labor sophomore physics major andrea farmington had a different point of view well i know that one of our ‘core values at texas a&m is selfless service i guess that it still counts when people are pressured into it what does selfless even mean anyway i dont actually know if this counts or not whether moral or not students will be checking their watches every three minutes this saturday waiting for their joyful service to finally be over -netflix and drill north by northgate & beutel call |
while most youth in dire financial straits would seek a job aaron schwartz is not like most students schwartz a junior political science major is instead relying on the kindness of strangers by hosting his own profit share hoping to use the proceeds he collects to fund his expenses this semester i initially had some reservations but why get a job when i can just get a cut of the money people were gonna spend anyway…its really a no brainer schwartz said i can use the system to my advantage so why not reportedly schwartz racked up a tab across town of well over $3 000 due to his penchant for popping bands going so far as paying people just to keep his drinks cold i spent all my scholarship money at northgate last weekend i dont regret it but now i can no longer maintain my previous standard of living schwartz said im forced to limit myself to just the bare necessities he intends to use the money he collects for food a massage chair and a new bong schwartzs friends and family have been very supportive during this difficult chapter in his life ya know ballin on a budget isnt easy this is really gonna test his abilities but im confident hell succeed said close friend wyatt corrigan schwartz has a certain standard of excellence when it comes to ballin that he would like to maintain which will definitely prove to be quite the challenge in the coming months hes gonna have to ball smart but thats our baby boy! said schwartzs mother i taught him everything he knows whatever lies ahead in schwartzs future is unclear but one thing is for certain: being a baller is a blessing and a curse -plug down for watt |
peter bennington a senior management information systems major has been terrorizing recruiters across the state since the business career fair in a pathetic attempt to find a job everyone at the career center told me that following up is one of the most important steps in the application process the unemployable student said so ive been doing everything in my power to establish a connection with these people no act is too depraved for bennington who has greeted hiring managers on their front porch slipped cover letters into windshield wipers and rented a strategic billboard so recruiters will pass by a 14-foot copy of his resume on their daily commute im watching my phone constantly bennington said its only a matter of time before its blowing up with job offers sadly benningtons targets do not share his enthusiasm reactions have ranged from annoyed to absolutely terrified mary keenan a recruiter from capital one plans on getting the police involved to protect her family the sick bastard gave my kids a ride home from school and gave them cover letters to pass on to me keenan said he even had the audacity to ask them to endorse him on linkedin they dont even have email addresses! bennington was last seen slipping a copy of his resume under every pillow in college station -war hymnal |
construction sites are a fixture of many college campuses with surprise detours and blocked off sidewalks a common hindrance for students the completion date for most on-campus construction projects at a&m are usually tba but in an almost unheard of special occasion this mugdown reporter has finally learned exactly when the construction will be completed: after your graduation joe platt construction site manager said the construction crew will be able to clean up and get out of the way of on-campus student activity just after you receive your degree and move out even though the exact construction site in question is unknown and all current projects were supposed to be completed in january the mugdown has been assured that construction will end (sometime) after you graduate megan osborne a graduating senior told the mugdown i thought that i would be able to enjoy or at least see the new rec center before i graduated but really i am just glad to know that it will be done by some class graduation date as uninformative and unspecific as this report has been thanks to lack of dependable resources and accurate construction schedules rest easy on the fact that construction of that one building somewhere will come to fruition post-commencement -century treeharmony |
it is the middle of spring semester and date parties mixers and formals are in full swing there seems to be an underwhelming response as students struggle to perfectly caption their cute ‘n fun photos apparently those in attendance had a subpar time with their relatively good dates translation: because you secretly wanted to ask someone else but you were still pleased with your dates performance translation: the date did not crash and burn translation: you give it a b-…actually a c+… translation: you sat and talked most of the night but made it onto the dance floor to awkwardly dance to drake translation: the night was a 5/10 and you forgot your dates name hope everyone has {semi} good lives #passiveaggressive #unintentionalbullying #nofilter -5k for yell |
few phrases are as well known and branded around texas a&m as the new dwight look college of engineerings 25×25 initiative however less discussed is the imminent problem of rapidly expanding a rigorous program without increasing academic support for freshman engineering majors the departments of construction science and industrial distribution have seen a massive jump in students within their ranks due to the 25×25 general engineering students who failed to stay enrolled or who couldnt enter into the limited upper-level engineering program with both of these once desolate majors filled president young has ordered the formation of a new washout department for the coming wave of students transferring from engineering: the college of pyrotechnics the college of pyrotechnics will host its only major- pyrotechnics code pyro- and will be a home for aggies with a burning desire and the academic ineligibility to remain in the college of engineering students in the major will look forward to a limited career in building demolition special effects or seasonal work operating firework displays to calculate for the inherent risks posed by the major texas a&m university has elected to take out a larger insurance policy on the building in case any accidents occur some have criticized the universitys announcement questioning if the money spent on higher insurance premiums could have been used to fix the gas leaks that have occurred in heldenfels long dated past in the college of pyrotechnics first newsletter dean max chartwell wrote we are thankful to be located in such a central building on campus that could be a prime spot for future developments however with frequent gas leaks the building has severe renovation need no worry we will just borrow a few workers from the dozens of current ongoing construction projects -netflix & drill |
in an exclusive interview with the mugdown we asked donald trump to describe the various high-quality universities in texas to our shock trump had an extensive and impressive knowledge of this states collegiate systems that supersedes anything a texan could ever think or imagine after a few questions trump demanded that he write the article himself–– in the presence of such a superior man as him readers cannot judge your correspondent for submitting to his request immediately… he truly is quite the negotiator trump spent the next 15 minutes furiously scribbling on my notepad tossing it back to me as he strutted from the room the majority of the writing was illegible possibly due to his tiny hands but i made a transcript of what i could: donald trump explains texas colleges necessary listening during article: hello donald trump here– there is no doubt youve heard of me im running for president and clearing the field im clearing it! we started with 17 people and now we have 3 all of those dirty politicians– they go to dc and do nothing! complete losers i am beating them senseless at their own game what a joke! and the media is made up of liars– complete liars cant be trusted especially this reporter with whatever the mugdrown is… never heard of this paper bad leadership… failing newspaper… drowning newspaper really fitting name i guess and this reporter: this guy knows nothing! very unprofessional and hes got sugar coming out of his eyes sugar coming out of him wherever… he is off base cant be trusted he asked me two stupid questions and i couldnt take it anymore now i love texas– great state i dominated here at second place a few weeks ago but the colleges here are terrible… [on rice] theyre a wanna-be ivy league… now rice does have some good words really they know all the best words but they are nothing to wharton business school did you know i went to wharton incredible school… great people truly one of the best schools in the world [on texas tech] now this place is fun those other schools have boring speeches and classes… not here not at this school isnt texas tech fun i think i will add it to trump university together these two schools can make texas great again [on baylor] little baylor little baylor… the students dont even show up for class they are always in chapel studying two corinthians… you would never believe it and they just wasted millions– millions!– of dollars on a new stadium… they had foreign workers build the whole thing complete ripoff sad! [on texas a&m] these guys think they are hotshots because of their new athletic conference you would never believe it… they come to my rallies yelling and fighting… when they come i say: ‘get ‘em out out! out! they are completely taking away my first amendment rights these guys also have a new stadium a little bit more of a trump level if you ask me… i think i will buy it from them im an amazing negotiator… could probably get it for free [on smu] these guys seem to be like me: rich believe me: i am very rich very rich… but this school is just a little rich ive made millions and billions of dollars i have a book– it was an instant best seller incredible book this school probably sells my book in their bookstore… i am probably the only reason this school is even able to even make money sad! [on colleges in san antonio] san antonio home of the alamo i dont like it i dont like people that were captured– no real schools there no heroes bad leadership i cant believe texas lost the battle of the alamo… worst battle of world war ii it was a disgrace really [on tcu] now these guys teach with common core absolute disgrace! i will get rid of common core first day in office… that program is killing this states colleges plus these guys are liars! lying tcu– thats what i call them lying tcu! apparently anybody with tc in their name is a liar… you would never believe it bad place [on university of texas] this place is a mess first they stole my color… dont they know i own the color orange bad leadership failing school just unprofessional they bring in these students from other countries who steal our degrees horrible! i am calling for complete shutdown of anybody entering this school until we can figure out what the hell is going on in there [on texas a&m international] i cant believe there is a school for international students in texas… no americans students allowed: what a bad deal! i will build a great great wall… nobody builds walls better than me and i will force this school to pay for it we need to keep those people out! they are destroying this state! [on utep] el paso that city is in mexico… i cant believe we have a mexican college in texas they are stealing spots from american students sad! we have a trade deficit with mexico worth millions and billions of dollars our leaders are so dumb… they are getting robbed! [on university of houston] this school is a joke… complete failure at athletics i do admit they are good negotiators… stealing football players from other schools… they must have read my book you would think houston the capital of texas would have a better school than this one… what a disgrace! #### –sbisa cookie |
mays business school is affectionately known by students and alumni alike as the crown jewel of west campus arguably even of all campus as junior marketing major dee roberts puts it mays is the pinnacle of greek life- banner holding is at a minimum and who you know affects how well you do who you sit next to and what groupmes you are in have the biggest impact on your grades other than tutorjohn within the halls of the wehner building and its annex west campus library countless conversations and interactions are taking place at any given moment in order to capitalize on the high impact networking potential mark b houston the head of the mays marketing department has unveiled the next big thing within the core of networking within mays: maysmeetcom maysmeetcom is a tool for business students to reach the ultimate goal of networking: to link up after getting linkedin maysmeetcom will be a dating service exclusive to business students and will offer a mobile app in addition to basics such as name major and age maysmeet will also include a resume references and prior relationship experience on each profile it has also been announced that business fellows ppa and the other inner-circles of mays will have access to exclusive events and features mays is known for its reputation of being home to all of the ‘pretty girls on campus on main campus everyone jokes about how girls want engineers but in reality we have the social skills that engineers lack without sacrificing job outlook said accounting major charlie kelly mays expects the website to be well-received since the majority of students within the college are already using tinder to the same effect -netflix & drill |
the university once again took advantage of spring break before announcing its ethnic and epidermic diversity statistics photos of many sorority and fraternity members on their beach vacations provided the perfect proof for a&ms new diversity campaign relying on a somewhat archaic method of rating diversity on slight variations in skin tone researchers in the texas a&m data and research service have determined that the student body has grown in diversity even since the semester began becoming significantly more brown in a statement from the department the mugdown learned that the annual diversity report conspicuously follows spring break every year starting in 1985 when the other universities began publishing statistics on racial diversity at the beginning of the year we were registering far too much white but the university can now proudly report that we have many brown faces in our student population we love spring break tans because as far as federal funding is concerned ‘browner is better for years a&m has been representing itself as a very diverse campus not because of the ethnicity box checked on the application but because of the tone of the student bodys skin caught speaking into a live microphone at a recent public appearance chancellor sharp whispered its a great way to defend our admissions standards we can just keep bringing in white christians but publish diversity statistics based on their post-break tans! -commons lobbyist |
the three most important things in my life in order are faith family and being a fightin texas aggie -rusty thompson ‘85 over the past couple of weeks you have probably seen the overwhelming support for this incredible man it is evident now after his passing truly the impact this one aggie had on so many others rusty thompson beloved director of student activities at texas a&m passed away saturday evening on march 12th 2016 after a week-long battle at the houston medical center rusty suffered from a heart attack on march 4th while grilling food for his co-workers and staff at a daytime yell practice and barbeque rusty was a loud and proud member of the class of 1985 as well as squadron five (the filthy fifth! the best damn outfit anywhere!) in the corps of cadets he was a faithful and loving husband father brother son and loyal friend to so many people a constant presence around koldus rusty was a man who absolutely loved his job and loved to work with students he would often say dont ever think what we get to do is normal he lived his everyday life with the zeal and passion that embodied this quote he touched thousands of lives during his 53 years on earth the outpour of love and support shown over the past week has been a testament to that rusty held many roles working with students at texas a&m including advisor to aggie bonfire where he guided the university through one of its darkest times after the stack collapsed in 1999 rusty was also the advisor for the aggie yell leaders class councils the aggie wranglers muster fish campfor which he was a namesake in both 1995 and 2015and several other student organizations he treasured the relationship he had with every student he met through these roles not only did he change the lives of the students he directly came into contact with he also went out of his way to befriend and support every student aggie and person he interacted with it was through rustys leadership that the mugdown was able to grow and succeed as a student organization– we are proud to call him among our first fans rusty thompson the aggie family is privileged to know you softly call the muster let comrade answer here their spirits hover round us as if to bring us cheer mark them present in our hearts well meet some other day there is no death but life eterne for old friends such as they here –mugdown staff join with the family and friends of rusty thompson on monday march 21 at 7 pm in rudder auditorium for a celebration of his life and legacy the service will include musical pieces personal testimonials video tributes and a photo slideshow following the service will be a small reception in the rudder exhibit hall where a display will be setup to highlight the incredible life of rusty thompson |
with spring break about 24 hours 23 minutes and 12 seconds after the publishing of this article (but who is counting right) every student still in college station present company included has honestly stopped giving a flying [email protected]$# omg school sucks said becky summers just now i hate that im not on a beach or drinking or at home on my couch slowly becoming an immobile vegetable ill just scribble something down on my test and worry about the grade when i get back summers is not the only one turning in assignments that could only be described as absolute crap these assignments are absolute crap says every professor employed by the texas a&m system the week before spring break everything these students touch spontaneously turns into huge piles of elephant excrement will students be able to pull their grades around will we all survive the actual hangover that is the week following spring break do i honestly care what the answers are not a chance im too lazy for a conclusion im calling it a week feel free to give me a drunken slurred howdy on the beach and ill try to give you a nod without falling on my ass but no promises #sb2k16 -beutel call |
1 in the beginning coffee-lovers frequented muldoons and mugwalls 2 they saw the scripted chalkboard menu and the dtr chair and saw that it was good 3 the mugs were in abundance and the intentional conversations filled the skies with joy 4 the children of the bubble enjoyed prosperous times there for many years 5 it would not last soon the years of famine hit and the walls became barren not a mug to be seen 6 the weary and weak of heart migrated to sweet eugenes; a land of miscellaneous knick-knacks donuts and instagram tags 7 there were two different wifi connections and the children of the bubble saw that it was good 8 in the years that followed there was a chasm within the chosen people 9 the temptation of a place called lupas called many to wander 10 lupas contained clean walls and an organization that sweets lacked 11 although food is scarce lupas was a center for the children of the bubble 12 many would travel to lupas and spend their time greeting one another in the name of the machine thus ignoring the lack of wifi connections 13 throughout the chasm the true children of the bubble sought a homeland elsewhere far from the distractions of college station in a place called bryan 14 the true children found a place called harvest 15 they saw the destressed furniture and walls and saw that it was good 16 it is thus the chronology of the coffee shops or aggieland 17 go forth and make disciples of all coffee drinkers that you may instagram your coffee and calligraphy for all the nations to see |
with the price of crude oil hovering around $30 per barrel administrative changes are coming to the petroleum engineering department the entire department is being moved from the dwight look college of engineering to the college of liberal arts as their new college aligns much better with the petroleum engineering curriculum and professional prospects the big move comes after a disastrous year for the oil and gas sector with a 61% decrease in operating oil rigs graduating petroleum engineers have had a very difficult time obtaining jobs in an economy where 60 000 texans lost energy jobs in 2015 preliminary surveys from the petroleum engineering department have indicated that more graduating petroleum engineers have applied for graduate programs in business than have obtained full-time positions in the energy sector dr katherine banks dean of the college of engineering said the dwight look college of engineering has always taken pride in our graduates ability to find meaningful employment and petroleum engineering has fallen short in this regard we felt it would be best if pete was moved into a college with the organizational resources to help prepare graduates for a different job market the college of liberal arts has a large network of retail positions waiting for these excited graduates as they will no longer be able to find employment in engineering the move will actually increase the number of math courses needed to fulfill the pete degree plan from one to two off-campus tutoring services are boosting their capacity of phil 240 tutoring sections in anticipation of the influx of pete students who will struggle in logic additionally mays business school has hired multiple administrators to preemptively deal with the increase in transfer applications it doesnt really matter for me because im switching to finance anyways im going to have investment banking firms crawling over themselves to hire me after all my 23 in pete is basically a 40 in any other major said pete sophomore tim stein who insisted on being paid for this comment the biggest change is the amount of writing intensive classes i will be taking theyre so much harder than anybody elses classes when i get upset i just complain and remind myself that im destined to make over $150k annually in a couple years -gingerbredass |
if there is one thing your facebook friends care about it is your various accomplishments got an above-average score on that lab practical sounds like the perfect opportunity to harvest some facebook likes! got that internship with that company no one has heard of sing that s**t from the rooftops for all to hear! nice work you! congrats on ________ you! as most students at a&m know engineering majors are the reigning rulers (~80% kings ~20% queens) of the fine art of humble-bragging what most students may be surprised to hear however is that there is a new contender in the ring this week and he is giving dwight look a run for his money this contender is of course fish camp as dozens have taken to social media to parade their counselor acceptance email for all to see in fact when you think about it it is actually pretty selfless for them to toss up a screenshot of that email some of their friends would have never seen it otherwise and dont worry about the kids who didnt make counselor they will only be happy about your post and wont feel bad at all about pouring their soul into an application for nothing while you bask in the glory of your success sure in about a week job acceptance posts will once again reign supreme and may god help us all when 40 this semester!! season rolls around just keep this week in mind the next time you read a facebook post and think who cares or maybe you can just be happy for your friends instead of being a cynical dirtbag whatever -bacon & ags |
early this semester a young boy with a jagged scar on his forehead was found living underneath the staircase in a storage closet opposite the flag room in the memorial student center freshman psychology major jon beasley discovered the young boy after a late night of studying in the msc beasley said its pretty rare for me to be on campus this late but im really glad that i was who knows how long this kid would have gone unnoticed beasley found the boy when he heard a loud crashing sound come from the panda express kitchen upon investigating beasley discovered the boy eating orange chicken from leftover boxes he had found in the refrigerator beasley then befriended the boy whose name he learned to be larry totter beasley later learned that totter is an orphan his parents died in a mysterious murder when totter was only a baby totter says his uncle is a professor at texas a&m but didnt want the boy living in his house so he refurbished an unused storage closet into a makeshift bedroom for the boy totter did not want to reveal his uncles identity due to undisclosed reasons larry is an interesting kid hes a little strange honestly theres something quite odd but strangely magnificent about him i cant quite put my finger on it beasley told the mugdown in a recent interview totters origin is unknown but he recently found out that he would be attending a special institution for children like himself when we asked beasley what the school was he had no answer for us as totter only explained it as a foreign and small school we followed up with beasley a few days ago to get an update on totter as he had been at his new school for a few weeks now beasley says totter is doing incredibly well and loves his new school and is a popular guy there apparently his parents were alumni and are very well known at his school and he is living in some sort of legacy beasley even told us that many refer to totter as the chosen one unsure as to what the chosen one really meant we reached out to astrology professor rybill frelawney who has a rather large grasp on all things storybook sounding frelawney is an interesting character but was very knowledgeable in the subject and had an ominous tone when discussing it with us when our correspondent told frelawney about totter she expressed her shock to us there have been many folk tales about a great evil coming and that a special hero would emerge said frelawney after a pause frelawney continued in a prophetic tone there will come a day when the boy will be tested when the evil being returns one must die so that the other may live this is a crucial matter i have no time for more questions said frelawney as she rushed us out of her office quickly and told us to beware for this boy was destined for great things it all seemed very convincing maybe one day we will find out more about larry totter but for now like all of our issues we will ignore them for as long as we can 2 years ago the mugdown snuck into the forbidden section of the cushing memorial library and found an ancient looking piece of parchment paper it read: sully pinky rudder and crow are proud to present: the marooners map its time it was shared with another generation of aggies mischief managed |
each spring students at texas a&m have the opportunity to experience a week long competition similar to the hit show the bachelor called paddy murphy the spinoff pits sororities against one another for a chance at love and good publicity the spin-off gets its name from the legend of paddy murphy in which multiple women stepped forward claiming to be his widow in order to claim his estate in a similar manner the sororities at texas a&m will fight one another to claim the prize money awarded to whatever chapter is named ms paddy murphy ruining reputations from the inside out the week is highlighted by drama occurring within each house and between them just like on the bachelor last year joey english was the lucky man given the opportunity to choose which house would be named ms paddy murphy last spring when it came down to the finale i had to pick two winners i couldnt decide which house i loved more he said this years lucky man is jc reynolds who has determined the events the women will compete in this year beginning the week will be a cook off on sunday to show which sorority can prepare the best meal other events will include each sororitys ability to wash the fraternity cars donate gifts to the fraternity and display their own unique personality on wild-card day im most looking forward to friday when teams from the top four chapters will compete against one another physically the ability to easily cheat during the competition has encouraged trash talking in pledge class group messages and confirmed the old saying nobody can better pick apart a sorority girl than a girl from another sorority to many the infighting between sororities and being manipulated into serving a fraternity is all worth the promise of good pr even if it is only known to those involved in greek life |
texas a&m university and the student body have faced many problems and controversies in the last year from on-campus concealed carry to recent acts of racism and many are wondering what can be done student senate has been hard at work coming up with the solution that will hopefully help resolve some of these issues aaron mitchell speaker of the senate is very excited about the comprehensive solution the senate has formed and passed of the recent problems brought to light we feel that fish aides is the one that deserves the most attention and we plan on completely reforming this reviled organization by restructuring this freshman leadership organization of 40 students we hope to create positive and lasting change on our campus of 58 000 we know that this is well worth our time and will overall benefit the entire student body senate fish aides was the original flo and therefore the root of all of the senates and the universitys problems because fish aides falls under the student government umbrella they are vaguely in the reach of the senates small and insignificant jurisdiction and power the faides a lowly servant of its powerful senate-led sga master clearly need reform the crucial legislation which will reimagine the flo into a senate internship program passed with a sweeping majority 34-10 with 22 senators not voting including a major cosponsor after ones of meetings and at least a single email exchanged with fish aides leadership aubre dean speaker pro tempore and co-author of the bill explained the origin of the bill senate has a long list of issues that have been brought to our attention we brainstormed what the cause could be and strongly feel that this bill to reform fish aides is the best way to focus our energy by dedicating precious time in our meeting to openly discuss the poor performance and shortcomings of these 18 year olds we really feel like we are serving our constituents well –commons lobbyist and 5k for yell |
local college station student dee reynolds has declared to her friends on social media that she is now responsible enough to have a pet of her own her small rapidly constructed student apartment with no yard will be the perfect home for her new best friend as a child in a suburban home with a spacious yard reynolds says she learned everything about owning a pet by watching her parents after browsing on the buy/sell college station facebook page for a rescue reynolds set her heart on a pug named pringles reynolds a junior education major said i dont consider pringles to be a rescue…you could say hes the one who really rescued me after all i registered him online to treat my anxiety which allows me to have a dog in my apartment reynolds made the decision to get a comfort animal after proving to herself that she could handle the responsibility this past semester i pretty much made frozen food every night cooking for myself instead of eating out i also always wash my dishes after theyve soaked for a week of course like most students reynolds is away from home all day staying on campus between her classes to avoid the traffic luckily pringles will have a kennel to stay in all day before his owner comes home unless she leaves to go study or visit northgate reynolds roommates were all surprised when she told them about her decision to get a comfort animal and about her anxiety roommate margo mcpoyle said it works out better than we had anticipated after being stuck alone in a kennel all day pringles gets to stay up all night with dee you can hear pringles barking and dee yelling back almost as if they are talking to one another so cute! pringles unable to attend class with reynolds will still get the full college experience licking up alcohol spilt on the floor experimenting with marijuana in the room with his owner sleep deprivation and poor diet will allow pringles to live the off-campus dream after coping with her anxiety reynolds pledged to her friends on social media that she would bring an end to her struggle with academics a quick visit to the doctors office will give her the much needed adderall to help with her inability to study -netflix & drill |
the yell leaders white uniforms were stained red with the blood of innocents today as the 5 for yell block sacrificed a fish to appease the spirit of aggieland before he died jacob smith the sacrificial freshman said he was doing this of his own free will and definitely wasnt being hazed its not hazing smith said its just my turn all the other guys had to go through this when they were fish too and im proud to uphold that legacy as the ceremony began the yell leaders emerged from every corner of academic plaza each holding a torch and a rope made of twelfth man towels the yell leaders bound smith with the towel-ropes in front of the sul ross statue and began performing a hushed eerie version of the locomotive yell at this point a drum major stepped out from behind the statue of sul ross he turned his baton upside down and plunged the tip through smiths chest with a cry of hullabaloo while smith struggled against the towel-ropes that bound him each yell leader candidate knelt down and slurped some blood from smiths sucking chest wound the candidates then joined hands in a circle and whispered caneck caneck as the last vestiges of life fled smiths corpse a spokesman for the office of the commandant of the corps expressed admiration for smiths dedication to the core value of self-sacrifice smith will be personally congratulated at a seance during next months silver taps for questions about the ceremony please contact the texas a&m wiccan club by spilling a drop of blood on the university seal all hail our dark lord cthulag -chophouse sweater burger |
this week campus saw the disposable pawns whom we place at the very bottom of the organizational hierarchy: banner holders thousands of them everywhere you look this time of year (legendary february) highlights the inequality of those confined to the indentured servitude that is banner holding it is truly staggering to think of the meaningful collective time invested on banner holding for campaigns alone 6300 hours to put that in perspective below are a plethora of others ways that texas a&m students could be spending their time if none of those options sound appealing you could always spend your time studying or actually focusing on school -5k for yell |
its the magical time of year once again: campus election season when students flock to the online polls to cast their vote in support of their favorite candidate to obtain what some perceive as the highest seat in the land the individual that proves him or herself the most popular gets the divine privilege of taking up space at the student body president desk and having their name grace the bottom of countless emails that will ultimately get deleted without being read so who deserves your vote for such an important and influential position stump g poppycock the peoples stump poppycock is without a doubt the most qualified and the most realistic man/inanimate tree stump for the job he promises to not berate students with a single flier facebook notification tee shirt slogan excessive video or even forced campaign title could we say that you all should get peppy for poppycock well sure we could but then wed sound ridiculous wouldnt we highlighting petty involvements in random organizations in order to grub as many votes as possible is also the last thing on poppycocks agenda his involvement throughout college is actually zero because he is well a tree stump but luckily this level of involvement prepares him for the office of spb just as much any tenure in fish aides sga or any other group of 18-22 year olds perhaps his most noble promise is that he will do all that the office allows him to: absolutely nothing poppycock will not make a single empty promise that he would have no real authority to enforce poppycock is the smartest hunk of wood that ive ever met and he is smart enough to know that the real powers that be at texas a&m would never give actual influence to an elected student and is excited to use the title solely as a resume builder so when you log on this thursday and friday to cast your vote write in stump g poppycock the peoples stump nobody is more rooted in tradition spirit and a third popular meaningless buzzword than he is so honored to serve such a humble driven chunk of tree beutel call campaign manager stump g poppycock for sbp |
the mugdown presents: guide to the 2016 elections the smell of apple pie is in the air puppies are wagging their tails and baseball is back which can only mean one thing it is time once again for that part of the year when we exercise the one freedom that binds all of us together as americans: choosing not to vote but as a satirical magazine of some repute and some ill-repute it is our duty to pretend to care about politics regardless of whether or not they matter (they dont) so we took the time to lay out the pros and cons for each of this years student body president candidates -the mugdown endorsed by trevor knight |
introducing: the first-ever yell leader debate hosted by the mugdown we are pleased to invite you to attend the first-ever yell leader candidate debate hosted by the mugdown! this one-of-a-kind event will allow students to hear dialogue between candidates and interact as our white-swathed hopefuls meet the yell leader candidates hear their platforms and learn what they hope to bring to the position of yell leader! if there is a question you have been dying to know tweet us with #yelldebate if you cannot make it the live event will also be streamed through our youtube channel see you at the debate! the mugdown staff |
since the industrial revolution science technology engineering and math (otherwise known as stem) have been fields almost exclusively dominated by men unfortunately there has been a recent push to insert women into stem environments not wanting to be outdone face majors have now been targeted as needing a more masculine direction fine arts communication and education (to be henceforth known as face) is counteracting steminisim by aggressively recruiting males into fields where they were formerly underrepresented to boost testosterone levels in face male high schoolers are now being recruited using strategic initiatives and advertisements as the ultimate man in your face kanye west was a natural selection to encourage young men to join the face industry bill theriot a chemical engineering professor says that he worries that affirmative action is having negative effects there is a reason that men drive the hard skill industries at texas a&m especially we need to be very careful if we plan to have 25 000 engineers by the year 2025 we have to account for all of the women who will be lured in by affirmative action plans and then drop due to the difficult course load many others have shared in theriots concern the theory is that women will be recruited to the universitys stem fields in abundance starting out as engineers scientists and mathematicians but inevitably transferring to face fields ralph hoegg university recruiter says that he is unsure of the results of this initiative weve crunched the numbers realized the trends and decided to take some action said hoegg if im being completely honest we all know that men should stay in stem and women should stay in face but we have to take proactive measures to ensure diversity and gender equality…no matter how pointless it may be the men in face initiative is scheduled to begin next fall although initially met with concern experts are fairly positive that putting men in face wont be nearly as meaningless as putting women in stem we all know deep down that women are really only meant for one thing: face "i mean we could say politically correct that look doesn't matter but the way her face looks obviously matters" - donald trump -5k for yell |
tuesday it was announced that cecille sorio will be the 2016-2017 fightin texas aggie corps commander as you might be able to tell by her name and/or picture she is indeed a female if you are unaware alyssa michalke is currently serving as the corps commander and was the first female to serve as this role in texas a&ms history if you have not connected the dots yet that means that for the second year in a row the corps will be led by a woman many are concerned that this trend may be setting a dangerous gender precedent for years to come roger harpock a junior chemical engineering major also in outfit z-2 is very concerned for the future of the corps the whole school is going crazy theres a female corps commander a girl running for yell leader and one running for student body president next thing you know even our secret societies will allow women i just dont want this to become a pattern though the corps has had 139 male corps commanders in its history in the last two years 100% of the corps commanders have been female a very scary statistic for those who coin the phrase good bull this is not just a corps issue; it affects everyone when you give a mouse a cookie ya know harpock says women are going to start thinking that it is okay for them to take on new roles in our university- and that just because it happens once it is going to keep happening -5k for yell congratulations cecille sorio! we wish you luck in the coming year |
with the introduction of maggies in 1999 texas a&m created a new segment in the stuact market the maggies held a monopoly on membership for over a decade until the formation of the aggie belles in 2012 competition in the industry was minor and both saw growth a shortage of supply in sorority membership caused demand to flood the womens organizations sector gathering into collectives these young women formed the organizations that appeared overnight on banners in rudder plaza and at the msc open house this substantial growth created the increasingly bullish market we are seeing today the issue of demand for membership went unresolved and market growth continued into 2015 with the creation of more womens organizations hitting the double digits during fall 2015 as the womens organizations remembered what had occurred to them during sorority recruitment they began to cut large numbers of applicants in turn the dropped recruits went on to form the 2016-era organizations giving birth to a vicious cycle of rejection and formation this cycle has created an exponential rise in the number of womens organizations as their growth goes unchecked by the office of student activities frank reynolds a senior finance major offered advice for those wanting to enter the market reynolds said by the year 2018 we expect the amount of organizations in the market to break 50 the unsustainable growth ultimately will lead to a market crash sometime around 2020 this market crash would default any membership in these organizations regardless of the services they provide to the bcs area it will be as if these members are a part of nothing since so many women on campus will be a member in one -netflix & drill |
the aggie bootchasers founded by women looking to create a sisterhood between those who claim to support the corps of cadets the most recently made their debut on campus founder and president of bootchasers jessica harwood started the organization after realizing how hard it was to date a member of the corps people always talk about how difficult the corps is but whats even worse is being a corps girlfriend i knew that other girls suffered the same issues as i do so i thought it would be a good idea to start an organization where we could support one another we are also open to women seeking a boyfriend in the corps harwood said bootchasers will provide a support system for women coping with unattractive haircuts trouble with finding their boyfriend because they all look the same hearing the same stories about his buddies and referring to anything interesting as hard aggie bootchasers is not just about sisterhood they pride themselves on their philanthropy boots for beaus which raises money to buy boots for upcoming seniors even though we are a social organization we want to set ourselves apart from the other womens organizations on campus by making philanthropy our focus said abigail heathers philanthropy chair i mean whats the point of dating a corps guy if he doesnt have a pair of boots this fall bootchasers plans to expand to hosting mixers with different corps outfits such as going to football games and midnight yell with senior cadets unlike other organizations who try to hide their true intentions with fake ideals about sisterhood and service we have no shame in living up to our motto– ‘ring by spring said ritual chair jan barkingsdale we encourage all girls to apply to aggie bootchasers because in the end we are here at a&m to get two rings we stand out from the other organizations because our goal isnt to party and make t-shirts; it is to find a husband -lil event |
in classic non-traditional format the two-percenters on campus have voraciously declared a safe-space on campus for them to not practice any of a&ms widely-permeating traditions we are tired of getting our feelings hurt by all of those outrageous traditions the majority of the student body participate in said a 2%er on the topic we have the right to not get our feelings hurt by those with other opinions with the ever-increasing pc wave disseminating throughout the country it is no doubt that these students who refuse to practice a&m traditions would suddenly feel the need to declare that their voices be heard leading the protest for the 2%ers would be eric entitled a disgruntled senior who has finally had enough frankly the 12th man is unfair to the opposing team why should we exercise that which does not erect equality on the pedestal it so deserves thats why we always leave the games early that and standing up the whole time is a workout says eric and those stupid rings! who even buys that anymore as more and more 2%ers come out of the shadows a stark contrast between tradition-practicing students and the 2%ers of tomorrow is beginning to unfold the era of new army is upon us identified by hello and footprints on the msc grass i dont even like reveille one student boldly said and every time i hear a ‘howdy i die a little inside no one deserves that it is clear that these students have been holding onto their feelings for far too long according to entitled the 2%er safe-space is being held simultaneously at the msc rudder tower wcl zachary and even kyle field the parameters of the safe-space include taking off your fta rings and refraining from the use of traditional terms such as howdy or whoop aaron mitchell speaker of the student senate has released the following statement regarding the safe-space 2%er movement: i dont want to lose my job just do what they want crack open a brew and let this all blow over while it is still unclear how many 2%ers are still lurking in the shadows of tradition-submissiveness these outstanding decrees of injustice and inequality by the tradition-practicing-portions of the student body will clearly not be tolerated by the minority group if we cant make this campus tolerable then why are we even here -chasing farms |
mugdown lowdown: what is love in the spirit of valentines day we wanted to help uncover the real meaning of love based on your actual verbatim search results over the last two years this is the best we can come up with: sexy aggies sexy nurse smoking cigarettes sexy short white ratchet dress sexy slut lace up boots snapchat sexy sexy towel pics wood carving sexy nurse sexy man in towel photos sexy nurse wearing boots pictures sexy ratchet slut pictures topless photos of 2014 topless on campus nude lady corps of cadets texas a&m man shows his urinal part with braveness stripper halloween costumes 2015 hung ball piercings boot chaser flirty text for ex boy freak hijab wearing muslim girls with spex nightbabecom my homeerotic doujinshi under tree gay couples deep kiss with gud mrng hot guys tamu instagram girls hijab only back side hd images girl piss topless on campus sexy 14 reveille topless photos best sexy sexy in tights homoerotic fan fiction special valentines day search result: how to screw over your ex how to revenge a side chick hot to mug off your ex that one person who changes your mood from zero to hundred she told me no worries i promise to get us back photo how can we revile wheather pregnet or not rohypnol revenge on ex girlfriend -you people |
well we hope you are proud of yourselves you depraved collection of inglorious nymphomaniacs our intern quit after losing all hope in humanity from reading the depths of degeneracy on campus enjoy your own deplorable display of bizarre deviance in the dorms with that there is only one more thing to say: happy valentines day! i know a dorm is probably the most boring answer but there is some sort of delicious irony in having gay sex in a corps dorm i dont wanna go into detail but if you ever find a used condom on the underside of a table in a private study room in evans youre welcome -you people |
aggies will soon have a new way to meet in january texas a&m information technology announced the development of an updated version of howdy texas a&ms official online portal used for accessing grades ecampus transcripts and more texas a&m it is offering students an opportunity to test out the beta version of the new howdy on the landing page before upgrading all student accounts this summer one of the most discussed features of new howdy is the new burningdesire application a dating feature designed specifically for aggies in an exclusive interview myron walden associate director of it infrastructure operations told the mugdown when developing ways to upgrade the howdy online experience we took a thorough look at what college students are seeking in their online interaction one thing that kept being mentioned was online dating apps such as tinder and grindr and we finally said ‘lets look into this tamu it conducted dozens of focus groups and trials and is feeling confident that aggies will find the feature a great addition to howdy walden says that the interface will come naturally to anyone who has ever used tinder; users will be able to give an x or a thumbs-up to other users if two users give each other a gig ‘em they will be matched and will be able to talk through a built-in chat feature some of the features that walden says sets it apart from other dating websites and apps include: exclusive membership to current texas a&m students no more blinns or bots! option to easily send your class schedule in the chat box easily include your involvement in registered student organizations in your bio ability to set a wide range of filters such as class year corps membership and more unlock achievement badges for your profile such as distinguished student and senior boots proven dependability of the howdy servers thanks to texas a&m it this could be the year you wont spend valentines day alone try out the new feature for yourself at http://newhowdytamuedu -north by northgate |
bryan salinger a local idiot believes that racism is a thing of the past no one is really racist anymore salinger said surprising this reporter by having the brain capacity to speak sure theres been some controversy or whatever recently police shooting people or something but those guys were just doing their jobs being a policeman is dangerous and in their defense minorities are scary approaching trump-like levels of ass-hattery salinger continued to open his mouth and spew forth a rotten stream of pathetic rude and insensitive bile there is no institutional racism at this institution or anywhere else the blackhole of human decency said we dont even have enough minorities at a&m to be racist toward if we wanted to except for the athletes i guess but nobody hates them salinger who will now be referred to as ostrich because hes hiding from the real world by sticking his head into his own ass claimed that african-americans have it easy if i was a minority id be set for life ostrich said somehow not collapsing under the weight of his own ignorance they have so many scholarships and opportunities every time i fill out a form or apply for an internship it asks me to say if im a minority black people have so much more privilege and preferential treatment i guess the tradeoff of having all those privileges is you would have to hear black jokes all the time but so what black jokes are hilarious- if anything thats a plus ostrich said some more things but this reporter was already feeling nauseated from having to transcribe the words of a man who even if he was two times smarter would still be dumber than this punchline -chophouse sweater burger |
david luwin a sophomore international studies major was rudely awoken from his midday nap wednesday by a texas a&m student yelling racial insults at a group of high schoolers luwin said he was so enraged that he almost said something sure campus is a social place luwin said but its just rude to be that loud people are so selfish and inconsiderate that guy shouldve been more respectful of those napping and studying around him luwin went on to say that he couldnt imagine anything more indecent than being woken up from a nap but luwin was not the only one affected by the student yelling racial slurs the tour group itself had to stop forcing donald delmar who was riding his bike to slow down and be late for class people need to be reminded that their actions affect others delmar said i had to slow my bike down so much that i nearly had to put a foot on the ground its great that these high schoolers want an education or whatever but they shouldnt disrupt peoples lives you know imagine how disenfranchised i could have been if i missed class i would be way behind all the other students delmar said he was so upset about having to slow down that he considered confronting the man instead delmar continued to class and posted a rant on yik yak because at the time of the incident he was too busy for confrontation other students present during the incident similarly remained silent instead choosing to throw irritated glances towards the commotion an anonymous white christian male student and friend of the shouter remarked that he was sure the incident was a joke so he gave an unconvincing chuckle and looked away luwin believes the noise issue will be resolved appropriately someone else will probably reprimand that guy for yelling luwin said honestly i couldnt go do anything my hammock was way too comfortable the mugdown staff …fight maroon and white white white! |
this wednesday february 10 the texas a&m career center is putting on the liberal arts career fair in the rudder exhibition hall this event hosts some of the most prestigious employers of liberal arts degree holders and countless students are all but guaranteed positions that not only pay well but provide opportunities to really make a difference as a whole surely people will line up at the door just for the chance to shove their resumes into the hands of recruiters representing each of the following: -american diabetes association -college station police department -e & j gallo winery -houston isd -checkers corner store -san antonio department of sanitation -starbucks coffee (non-corporate positions) -trugreen lawn care -allen honda -little caesars -hypnotik hair salon -american dishwashers union -ethiopian department of state -whataburger on domink dr -aarrow sign spinners -nahh (national association of the homeless and hungry) -department of public safety -howdy cab taxi service -mickeys sliders food truck -maidpro college station across campus the sound of printers printing off resumes as fast as mechanically possible dominates any other with companies this amazing how could any hard working student not score a sustainable and rewarding career -beutel call |
the efforts of the local government the business student council have been unable to curb the organized cartels monopolizing the trade of test answers within mays business school the council has outsourced the responsibility to the freshman business initiative or fbi for their expertise in apprehending those who have been circulating contraband within mays for years the cartels los fellows ppa and the trip programme have vied for control over the ever-present answer trade known as the mays exchange the cartels have absolute authority in the distribution of calculator programs quiz answers and test keys amongst the student population in a vicious cycle the buyers of the contraband rely on the gpa high they get in order to be accepted into the cartels supplying them in an exclusive interview with the mugdown an accounting major dealing for ppa (who well call dennis) was able to provide insight into why the cartels thrive in a community where aggies do not lie cheat steal or tolerate those who do dennis said in a community where its all about who you know what chance do normal students have against business honors the 1% when looking for a job or internship we join the cartels to find work after school but we need upwards of a 35 to be initiated and that forces us to buy their product the fbi has been using evidence from the office of the registrar and grade distribution analysis to uncover classes where the cheating is most prevalent classes such as acct 327 finc 341 and mgmt 211 are well known amongst those in mays for being much harder than anything in engineering however the large number of as and bs in those classes signal an anomaly and are sure signs of cheating the special agent leading the investigation arthur anderson said all the students on this campus understand that courses in mays are much more difficult than in engineering due to the lack of a curve any course average above a 25 gpr is going to be placed under investigation the fbi plans to use the high impact skills learned from courses such as business law and organizational behavior to confront the issue special agent anderson hopes to win the loudder medal of excellence for his work hopefully leading to his acceptance into the investment banking program – netflix and drilll |
with the announcement of: corps of cadets: the musical something long feared by the corps has come to fruition: non-reg students have copied their khaki counterparts to reap the benefits of those who serve in uniform as keepers of the spirit the musical and the translation of corps-lingo has provided many with all of the knowledge they would need to become a member of the 2% of students answering the call at first the impersonators went unnoticed as most cadets thought this was another change to the corps that bent to the will of overly-attached mothers who run the corps to others it solved the issue of a 3 000-member corps as the ongoing quad renovation lacks any plans for expansion mac macdonald a junior kinesiology major said once i learned that all it took to pass as a cadet was to complain about the corps all the time it was easy! they are more upset about what the corps does than the students having to live in the commons with them i didnt even have to get a haircut! macdonald disappeared into a crowd of actual corps upperclassmen his hair shorter than most others guilty of stealing corps valor have found the enjoyment of many corps pastimes such as sleeping through class judgement-free and getting a table to themselves in any dining facility besides duncan without any fear of losing their first deck tickets to football games many cadets have simply ignored those posing amongst their ranks some have even encouraged it as they participate more than real cadets do charlie kelly a senior history major said i couldnt care less about the non-regs wearing our corps brass for the past few years brass has just been given to the freshman anyways honestly im impressed most of these imposters even show up to morning pt! they have no idea half of the upperclassmen in the corps cant even manage that the leadership of the corps of cadets has remained silent on the issue and has counted on those within the corps to report and expose the frauds avoiding discussion of the issue has for once turned out in favor for the corps with the numerous students committing stolen valor the goal of 3 000 plus cadets has been reached without having to acquire the necessary housing the issue of an estimated $135 million in renovations that never included the ability to house 3 000 cadets will now be avoided -netflix and drill |
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