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at 11 pm saturday night senior aaron berkowitz defied all odds by ending up at northgate berkowitz started his night at a 7 pm pregame for a date party with aggie tulips then attended the date party berkowitz at 9 pm showed no promise of being able to push through to the gates but he surprised the other attendees including his date kiara michaels with his stamina to make it all the way said michaels when we started drinking at 7 he insisted on taking three jäger-bombs he was doing well; we were chilling with a pretty big group of people then he started with the four lokos and it was all downhill from there that dude is a party master it was reported that by 9 pm berkowitz was vomiting on the front lawn of the house other attendees rushed to his aid but berkowitz insisted he just needed to go to the bathroom for a while to regain his composure an acquaintance of berkowitz sammy mickelson was able to witness the partial recovery he had puke all over him like all over him he went into the bathroom for ten minutes then came out relatively spotless said mickelson that dude is a party master berkowitz switched from four lokos to beer at the date party which was held at an undisclosed location in bryan after dancing for approximately two hours and consuming four more beers berkowitz and four other attendees ordered an uber while in the uber berkowitz threw up out the window avoiding the $200 uber charge that would have been incurred the uber driver coner meens vividly remembered berkowitzs escapade i kept thinking ‘this kid isnt going to make it said meens he was pale and green with puke stains on his collar but i gotta give him props he didnt throw up in my car and when i dropped him off he hustled straight to tipsy turtle berkowitz proceeded to take two pickle shots at the tipsy turtle then go to the chicken to play pool towards the end of the night college station police were called about an argument at the chicken and berkowitz was escorted from the facility to his place of residence at the rise according to sources close to berkowitz he avoided a public intoxication citation by claiming he was the nephew of us secretary of energy rick perry buffalo wild wags

in response to criticism towards accessibility of professional counseling on campus texas a&m student counseling services (scs) has opened a drive-thru for students seeking help in a hurry the groundbreaking service launched as get help to-go will operate during regular office hours next to scss temporary location at white creek students unwilling to wait for weeks to set an initial appointment can simply pull up to the window where a passionate underpaid and overworked doctoral candidate will provide brief vocational and/or psychological support students will be advised to condense their stories of career concerns or childhood trauma into a five-minute monologue to keep the line moving the texas a&m board of regents released a brief statement endorsing the drive-thru texas a&m prides itself on being a fearless leader on every front and that includes providing the best counseling service we can to our students when our research suggested that the best wasnt being provided (and that surprisingly football could not cure depression) we made necessary adjustments while students appreciate the speedy service and not paying for parking the drive-thru has its share of critics junior phil ingham said his session was cut painfully short i was halfway through processing my abandonment issues when the counselor said ‘im so sorry we dont have the budget to continue this session and closed the window said ingham its fine its not the first time ive been cut off from a male figure in my life hullakazoo

with $1 mixed drinks and the promise of entertainment till 2am the college station applebees recently became a focal point for student nightlife located off texas avenue and behind northpoint crossing the neighborhood bar and grill attracted a new demographic of patronage beginning last october with the introduction of $1 margaritas to the restaurant chains menu the quiet restaurant known for historically catering towards middle america and white-collar happy hours saw college students crowding the restaurant until the doors closed at 2am with the continuation of $1 long island iced teas and the addition of $2 bottles of blue moon in january the restaurant has staked its claim among the places to be during a night out the best part of this influx of students is that it doesnt affect our usual patrons who clear out by around 9 pm said fritz christen the general manager of applebees students dont usually start arriving until about 10:30 or 11 and by then theyre drunk enough to actually want something off of the menu for many students its just a matter of convenience when deciding where to go out i live at northpoint crossing so the walk is next to nothing said claude von marsh a senior history major i dont have to worry about using uber or having very far to walk once im intoxicated plus the prices are about half the cost of world of beer for the same quality other students seemed to prefer the atmosphere of the comfort restaurant as opposed to some of the clubs on northgate for me it has a similar appeal to logies: the ability to drink while being comforted by a sense of nostalgia said katherine benchmark a junior philosophy major sometimes i dont want to crawl through people just to have a mediocre time and fall asleep with my ears ringing while the reasons for going to club bees may be different student patrons share a love for cheap drinks in a friendly environment applebees promises to challenge the hegemony of college station nightlife by offering the comfort and price of drinking at home without the shame associated with it netflix & drill

early this morning fraternity veta alpha pi epsilon (vape) announced on its ac/dc-inspired chilifest page snook me all night long that it will be replacing all keystone beer with juulpods as a part of its build the trendy electronic cigarette producer juul has surpassed value beer brands keystone and natural light in popularity and other fraternities are expected to follow suit veta alpha pi epsilon is regarded as one of the more progressive organizations in texas a&m panhellenic and is notorious for cutting-edge chilifest builds junior marketing major and vp of chilifest operations for vape brundon wallace made the decision to completely switch from keystone to juulpods i learned about customer surveys in class last week so i interviewed a few of our groupies and they think juuls are way more in wallace said besides my nicotine addiction has surpassed my alcohol addiction so the decision for juulpods was a no-brainer among the juulpod flavors supplied will be cool mint mango and limited edition sue me my dads a lawyer the fraternity will also forgo all beer showers at their chilifest build in favor of vape fogs the mugdown sought to get reactions from ticket holders of vapes build i will feel much safer there: i wont have to worry about a frat guy slipping anything into my drink because there wont be drinks said morgan tilly a senior bims major and four-year chilifest veteran this build will be perfect because i wont have to constantly hide from the cops or bring my fake said brianna sattle a sophomore chemistry major in another attempt to appeal to students by hopping on the latest trend medical science library and wehner will begin replacing their starbucks vending machines with juul vending machines supplementing one stimulant for another the campaign is being called nicotine over caffeine good bullogna

graduation season approaches once again for students at texas a&m unwatched snapchat stories of friends ordering caps and gowns overlooked facebook posts of i cant believe this is my last… and mailboxes overflowing with unopened graduation invites signal the landfall of this annual rite of passage for thousands of aggies however these indicators of success pale in comparison to the most important social media brag: senior photos as graduation candidates scramble to book the photographer of their dreams bethany oconnor could not believe her eyes when she first stumbled across mark daniels flashy photography website advertising just $40 for a full days worth of high quality photographs oconnor a senior economics major told the mugdown that her financial situation left her worried wondering how she could possibly afford anyone from college stations prestigious group of the pictorial elite despite one small detail that concerned oconnor daniels seemed to be the answer to her fervent prayers i was so worried that no one would really know i was graduating if i couldnt post pictures of myself in my cap and gown on all my social media outlets so i jumped on marks offer said oconnor we set a date when mark told me the weather would be clear and the sky would be my favorite colorblueand i picked out some cute outfits mark showed up and he had this really cool futuristic-looking camera it was small and compact and i think it was from japan or something he told me that we had to make every picture count because the lighting for the day only allowed for exactly 27 pictures thats how i knew i was working with a real professional according to oconnor the session took approximately one hour and daniels hand-delivered the photos himself after taking only two or three days to edit them to perfection upon inquiring how the mugdown could contact daniels for a statement oconnor gave us his fax machine number ⎯mugdown staff

a new group of counselors and chairs were selected this march and are excited for several months of memorable experiences: road trips serving incoming freshmen at camp and continuing relationships through continuity events for example one particular fish camp activity however has members especially excited: hot seat hot seat a common feature of fish camp road trips is a game where each member answers any question asked by fellow counselors over the course of a predetermined amount of time questions cover a wide variety of topics and present an opportunity for counselors to get to know each other at a much deeper level i absolutely love hot seat second-year counselor kailey johnson said it provides an opportunity to learn about my friends likes and dislikes passions sexual histories favorite counselors and all of the other things that define a person it really helps me know all of my fellow counselors without having to waste time having a real conversation with them junior chad markstrom a third year counselor agreed with johnsons belief that hot seat is one of the most important parts of fish camp hot seat is a fantastic way to bring people together in a short amount of time i really like all the wild stories people tell about times they got drunk or high because they are really useful for establishing the party culture we cherish here at fish camp plus i really love asking about the amount of hoe points [a numerical value representing the level of a persons sexual activity] a person has earned because it helps me establish which women i need to respect and which ones i can try to hook up with at after camp parties johnson was also quick to point out that despite the attention hot seat receives for all of the sexual questions it provokes theres so much more to it than that hot seat provides us counselors the opportunity to take something that was designed for the betterment of camp and make it all about ourselves which serves as excellent training for when we arrive at lakeview and do the exact same thing for four days it also serves as an opportunity to find jokes that we can give to the freshmen when they make their own skits at the end of camp usually we have to be vague and cryptic in order to avoid breaking policy but its ok because we still understand the references and find them funny while many of the counselors we spoke with were excited about this summer activity this sentiment was not shared by all reluctant counselors cited several reasons for being uncomfortable with the activity including feeling pressured to answer questions as well as a failure to understand how knowing whether fellow counselors preferred being mauled by a bear to hooking up with their grandma helped welcome incoming freshmen into the aggie family some counselors reported a desire to abstain in participating altogether however session a co-chair mark claver was adamant that counselors are not required to participate hot seat is considered ‘challenge by choice meaning counselors are free to choose whether to participate in hot seat or to be the only person in their camp that doesnt however i have never heard of a counselor not participating in hot seat i guess that just shows how fish camp has fulfilled their goal of being a safe inclusive place for everyone! christian bubble butt

gena thompson a sophomore poultry major was in a rush monday morning when she entered into west campus garage scanning for a spot she was driving down the first row when she assumed the third spot was filled with a small compact car i couldnt believe it thompson said the spot was empty i never thought something of this caliber would ever happen to me with the universitys growing population it is increasingly uncommon to find a spot in any lot or garage on campus after 7:40 am especially on rainy or cold days most students fly down the rows not even beginning to slow down until theyve reached the third level of the garage i try not to get my hopes up thomas said my horoscope told me i would have luck today but i thought that meant stealing soda out of ag cafe without getting caught not getting a parking spot on the first floor! many students stood in awe when thompson got out of her car there were claps open mouths; a couple people even fell to their knees after walking down several flights of stairs and witnessing what had happened thomas left the garage that morning in a positive mood knowing she would make it to her test on time when asked to comment on the fact she drove a moped and would be the source of let down for other students she did not comment i am just proud to be part of a historical moment in texas a&m history thompson said wehner dog

early wednesday morning tamu administrators arrived on campus to find students hauling thousands of books out of evans library and pouring them onto a massive pile on the polo field president michael k young shortly arrived on the scene demanding to know who was behind the riotous vandalism junior petroleum engineering student blake bletchley came forward as the mastermind behind moving the books after president young demanded to know what was happening bletchley replied that the students intended to burn every library book at texas a&m to free up more room for study tables bletchley founder of the activist group aggies for burning useless things contends that using libraries as repositories for actual books is an outdated philosophy that should have stayed in the 20th century i cant think of anyone at this university in the past 15 years who seriously checked out a book from any library on campus bletchley said its time to radically change how we view these buildings he pointed out that massive bookshelves inconvenience students by taking up potential study space study spaces become scarce during exam season bletchley explained and the university should do everything possible to fully utilize the space you have all these jerks who only come to the library during exams and they create a shortage of available room for everyone to pull all nighters and have mental breakdowns in public bletchley said if we just took out all the books we would more than meet the seating needs of every student needing to study at any time burning the books according to bletchley was the easiest and most cost effective way to speed the process along as well as a way to bring tamu into the future it is time we bring this place into the new millennium! bletchley said everyone should just accept that everything youll ever need to know is online theres nothing we can learn from books anymore they have no utility! bletchley also told president young to be on the lookout for his facebook event burn night 2018 expected to be the most eventful fire-related event of the year i cant wait to watch these puppies burn! bletchley said youll be able to see the fire all the way from space! fish daddy

students in a texas a&m student organization have repeatedly found it impossible to sign-up to bring a food item to the upcoming social event thanks to an error in the forms sharing settings after two days of waiting and numerous complaints filed through the organizations groupme it appears that the sign-up sheet for the wolf pen creek social is still inaccessible by those trying to fill it out after being tagged multiple times in the groupme madeline abbasi senior international studies major and internal events chair commented on the technological issue okay it should work now abbasi said general members maintain that this statement is false after a series of attempts to resolve the issue abbasi instead abandoned the form and asked participants to text her individually with their name and what they would like to contribute to the potluck abbasi apparently prefers this solution to google searching the three keystrokes that will make the google sheet editable at time of press it is unclear how abbasi was able to achieve the high rank of internal events chair when recent circumstances have made it obvious she lacks basic computer skills bacon & ags

texas a&m acapella group aggiepella has introduced an aca-amazing new way to embody the core value selfless service as technology has progressed over the past decade classrooms are experiencing an ever-growing number of instructors who fear their computers by making use of their unique vocal skill set aggiepella feels they can help bridge the gap honestly we just saw the need in the community and knew we had to do something about it said aggiepella first soprano lillie bates studies show that students experience 10-15 hours of lost class time over their college careers due to a lack of technical knowledge by our more elderly professors with all those skipped videos awkward silences while professors open and close tabs and long wait times for student it services we here at aggiepella believe that it is our duty to help those in need members of the vocal group spend 10-12 hours per week visiting classrooms and standing in for missing voices error messages full orchestras and more i think theyre doing a great jobi havent had to face the disappointment of a missed class video opportunity in weeks said sophomore industrial engineering major andy bower just last monday i was able to finish the last two questions of my homework and listen to a sick vocal performance of industrial safety procedures made easy due to high demand for their services aggiepella says they are currently accepting new members auditions will consist of a pre-prepared song survey of mechanical beatboxing sounds and a vocal rendition of the windows xp startup tone the maroon scare

students around campus have noticed the sudden appearance of ofo bikes a popular bike share option the bikes have been brought to peoples homes left in bushes and stranded outside of classrooms however research from the mugdown has uncovered that the program is a behavioral study for psychology 101 classes students use of the bikes is tracked through gps systems and registration required to access the bikes the tracking system has given us the ability to observe how students behave when given free items said andrew vorster a junior psychology major most people begrudgingly attend their psychology studies required for their psyc 101 class so we thought we would remove the requirement and try a more covert option instead the psychology department has been recording the behavior of students and how they treat the bikes many students leave bikes on the ground outside of buildings other students bring them home after one ride and never return them to campus we have been able to observe that it is a small number of repeat offenders capitalizing on the free service said aubrey robertson a senior psychology major for some students the effort of registering for a bike is too much to ask when you get get to observe a subject who really takes advantage of free things you couldnt ask for a better psychological study other students have gone on to leave their bikes in their front yard or alongside the road without any explanation much of this data provides insight into the behavior of college students said mason slandison dean of the psychology department we went so far as to paypeople to attend the studies that we made a course requirement but even that was not enough this has been the best study we have held to date with over 500 bikes on campus for the ride-sharing program the psychology department has found that the bike usage is concentrated around a few dozen users the information has provided a useful insight into students decisions and now has the department looking into other free services as a means to observe behavior – netflix and drill

a report published by the journal of consumer behavior on monday indicates a positive correlation between the high levels of a campus banner holders disdain for an event and the attendance of the event being promoted spring semester brings an influx of organizational activities that require countless hours of banner holding on campus we reached out to students promoting a variety of events in order to understand the ways sign holders differentiate themselves and better promote their event i really get the best vibe from the people with a dead and distant look in their eyes said roberta johnson a sophomore communications major johnson expressed her dislike for banner holders who attempt to communicate with her personally it honestly pisses me off when people try to hand me fliers or tell me about their philanthropy like i went on a mission trip last year i dont really need to hear about orphans and stuff johnson said although contrary to the evidence of the report leaders of student organizations across campus continue to encourage members to yell louder throw more flyers and play more music at their posts instead of spreading awareness though many students would argue that these banner holders are simply spreading resentment students appear to be especially attracted to banner holders who are fully-invested in their phone instead of their banner duties when the holders are on their phones i know that they wont try to stare me down and guilt trip me into attending their event said norman harvey a senior petroleum engineering major when im being fully ignored by the holder staring at their phone i feel much more inclined to go that event harvey said harvey is not alone in his feelings as studies show that 9 out of 10 undergraduate students report that a less joyous holder will increase their odds of event attendance students residing in dorms surrounding the commons promotional district are the primary outliers in this study the souls of these residents have not yet become cynical enough to develop a sense of loathing towards banner advertisement when compared to those doing the holding reports the study ­­­­­– koldus & cream

elliot madison was subjected to a large volume of shame this week as he decided to keep showing off his spring break body madison was judged harshly by his fellow students for sporting a cut out t-shirt and short shorts while at the student recreation center outside of working out madison still faces harsh judgement for walking around in tight t-shirts and shorts that are several inches above his knees i know what i am doing when i wear these shorts said madison a junior kinesiology major people always accuse me off trying to show off my muscles with what i wear its not true though i am just wearing what is most comfortable for me the rampant judgement and advice to drop the weights and go for a run has led to madison creating a support group for men who want to take a stand against bro shaming i may spend two hours a day at the gym but i am working on getting my phd in biology said scott adams a doctoral candidate people try and judge me for the way i look but i just have a lot of knowledge about why i should care for my body other students were surprised by the harsh reaction coming from a group of people they believed were not emotionally complex enough to display emotion it must be their fragile masculinity causing them to react this poorly to honest criticism said johnny kumite a junior philosophy major dont they understand that its 2018 and people dont need to compare themselves to ancient concepts of fitness students interested in finding more information about madisons support group can find madisons booth set up inside the student recreation center said madison anyone able to display proper form while doing a deadlift is welcome – netflix and drill

animal rights activist group peta reportedly has a new target at texas a&m: the corps of cadets many believe that the group is seeking to draw attention to abuses of the most defenseless animals on campus freshman cadets peta is ignoring obvious facts about the corps said cadet commander sasha willbanks we treat the fish with the same respect that any decent pet owner would we require them to eat twice a day we take them out to exercise at least three times a week and we hardly ever haze them anymore! the mugdown reached out to peta who replied with a statement when we learned about the atrocities that this school has committed against golden retrievers in laboratories we were appalled at how brutally aggies were treating such a beloved american symbol peta representative barbara strahan said that anger pales in comparison to our feelings now how can this school be so brutal to american heroes like freshman cadets they earned their brass! strahan did confirm that peta volunteers will be actively working to liberate the abused fish while strahan did not disclose any strategies sources report that remarkably attractive boot chasers of both genders have dramatically increased in numbers at quadbucks many members of corps staff suspect that these individuals are actors trying to lure freshmen away from the standard and cadences way of living there is just no way that my freshmen are pulling these kinds of dates! sophomore cadet brent lancaster said im not one for conspiracies but it does not make any sense that these fish are getting that kind of attention while im still going stag peta has yet to comment on whether or not their plans include a rescue of reveille ⎯ west campus mirage

in a press conference last friday leaders of the corps of cadets announced that in an effort to open up communication between cadets and their leadership an official complaint box will be installed at the bottom of lake bryan communication is the key to success in any large organization said brig gen joe ramirez commandant of the corps of cadets for that communication to be effective it needs to be two-way while there seems to be no problem sending information down to cadets we seem to have run into roadblocks in receiving feedback from the cadets while in a corporate or military environment a proper chain of command would be used to bring complaints and suggestions from the bottom up i have noticed a bottleneck at our rising leaders in an effort to better understand this problem the commandants office has conducted a study on the failure of complaints to reach the highest levels of corps leadership the study concluded that critiques of the corps of cadets are replaced by support for new policies after being received by those who need the explicit blessing of the commandant staff to obtain key leadership positions unfortunately the study was unable to determine a root cause for this trend prompting the development of a complaint box at the bottom of lake bryan senior accounting major and member of corps staff joan tylerson sat down with the mugdown to explain the new process: its really simple all a cadet has to do is write their suggestion on a piece of paper drive out to lake bryan rent a boat find the suggestion box using sonar dive down the forty feet to the lake floor and place the suggestion in the box while there have been mixed feelings towards the new system it has received near-universal approval from corps staff who believe it will be pivotal in ensuring a cadet-run corps of cadets the only objection presented was that such a streamlined communication method might cause trivial complaintsphysical fitness standards or the dismantling of outfit culture for exampleto choke out necessary suggestions about issues like the shortage of required basketball games the initiative is set to replace the previous method for posting complaints by mailing in a form to a post office that has been closed since 1957 the underwater complaint processing system is expected to be installed when the funding that is currently used for on-campus construction is freed up space cadet

at an informational earlier this semester fish camp revealed its new seventh value: diversity this decision was made to help future attendees feel more comfortable with the camps environment however some counselors are afraid this will make fish camp about the freshmen instead of themselves fish camp has received criticism in the past for the organizations lack of camp diversity after some introspection fish camp staff decided a change was necessary we took a good look at our organization and saw we need to focus on the freshmen more a member of fish camps director staff said the mugdown interviewed an anonymous fish camp chair for their opinion on the subject: this will forever change how camp is run i chose my counselors to make the best acp [after camp policy] party possible but now it looks like i needed counselors who care about the freshmen and continuity the change has received positive feedback from most future aggies they are so brave said casey becker a high school senior from laredo fish camp chose to break from a&m traditions not only by having more than six values but by appreciating diversity others are less impressed theyre just jumping on the bandwagon a high schooler from dallas said everyone else already claims to value diversity though the change has upset counselors fish camp received more applications than ever my parents booked our trip to europe last summer around work weekends said second-year counselor william mixon with all the sacrifices we make camp is about us we cant let one new value change that counselors have decided to take action against this decision a protest formed tuesday outside of the fish camp office protesters sat for 72 hours straight eating only cheese balls and drinking ice berry blue our culture is being threatened a protester said next they wont allow acps! fish camps success will likely affect impact retreats official decision regarding which denominations of christians are allowed to serve as counselors anime sciences

last tuesday sorority sisters amber pruitte and candice jennings stopped by goodwill to shop for costumes for their date party later that night the date party theme was shrek at the rec and they hoped a successful trip to their favorite thrift store would draw all eyes to on them and their respective dates during the entire hour-long shopping excursion pruitte and jennings had little luck in finding their ideal costumes all i wanted was an ugly green dress! im tired of needy families taking the good date party costumes at goodwill! jennings told the mugdown the girls upset that many of their intended wardrobe options were picked over were appalled when they noticed an older lady in front of them had a pair of red gloves in her basket that wouldve been perfect for chads lord farquaad costume! pruitte said doesnt that lady realize how important this date party is for me! goodwill among other local thrift stores has long provided inexpensive secondhand clothing and accessories to individuals and families in the bryan/college station area however these shops have grown in popularity with college students who rummage through thrift stores for clothing related to halloween date parties and various student organization events despite a costume shopping failure at goodwill the girls picked dresses that fit and decided to let their dates fend for their own the mugdown later followed up with jennings the day after the date party to ask what she had done with the dress that was purchased my closet at the sorority house is so big so i cant remember im sure its tucked away in a box with my other costumes who cares good bullogna editors note: the following are different locations around bryan/college station where you can conveniently donate clothes and other household goods for the benefit of those who need it most: a: second chance resale: 2041 harvey mitchell pkwy s college station tx 77840 b: alices attic: 424 n main st bryan tx 77803 c: second chance ii: 3808 old college rd bryan tx 77801 d: goodwill (college station): 2704 texas ave #3 college station tx 77840 e: goodwill (bryan): 2600 texas ave bryan tx 77802 f: charity clothing pickup – drop box: 2232 texas ave s college station tx 77840 g: charity clothing pickup – drop box: 2400 earl rudder frwy college station tx 77840 h: charity clothing pickup – drop box: 700 university dr e college station tx 77840 i: charity clothing pickup – drop box: 3300 state highway 6 s college station tx 77840

a campus-wide study conducted by the department of student health services uncovered results confirming the hypothesis that showering every once in a while is acceptable the study says that as many as one shower a day is recommended for the average person weve found time and time again through intense analytical data collection that showering is totally fine said alyssa barigian health communications and marketing manager for student health services it may come as a surprise to some but showering is actually good for ones health and has almost no side effects though certain groups on campus are slow to adapt to the recent announcement experts assert that all students will come around eventually despite the fact that many people are clearly hesitant to start showering just because of some medical study im sure these holdouts will come around once it becomes clear that society values hygiene barigian said on the other hand opposition to the results of the medical study demand further research these people are supposed to be scientists but they apparently cant analyze data correctly said ned brewster sophomore electrical engineering student they did not even consider the fact that i am in college now and i dont have to do what my parents made me do at home whats next theyre going to start recommending deodorant student health services intends to set up an informational booth at next semesters engineering career fair to spread awareness of the surveys results bacon & ags

the callaway house has announced that all non-greek residents will be evicted at the end of march in order to free up spaces for fraternity and sorority members that have been living in less-than-ideal communities the 30-day eviction notices were delivered at the end of spring rush which was offered as a last-ditch effort for panhellenic organizations to meet their recruitment quotas and for less desirable potential new members (pnms) to find their new home away from home residents have had more than enough time to worm their way into even a second-tier panhellenic organization said eric rowlett the general manager of the popular off-campus housing complex we understand this may be upsetting to some but we are excited to improve upon our already stellar community of residents the eviction policy was outlined in the lease a binding legal document that college students often neglect to read the clause was apparently located underneath the paragraph banning underage drinking on the property when asked about the legality of such an action rowlett said callaway house certainly prohibits discrimination on the basis of race color national/ethnic origin religion sex disability age sexual orientation and veteran status there is no such provision protecting non-greek residents when asked for comment katie lepetska a freshman resident and member of zeta lambda agreed with managements decision non-greek residents just cant understand our traditions and they totally bring down the mood sometimes said lepetska not all residents are pleased with the decision however several displaced residents expressed sadness or frustration about the abrupt decision some even going so far as to beg their greek friends to advocate on their behalf i thought my roommates and i were really starting to become friends said sarah lutner a sophomore english major i guess im gonna have to couch surf for a while gabe mcdaniel a freshman business major who received his eviction notice tuesday said he understood the tough decision i had hoped that joining ol ags would spare me but i guess i can look into living at berkeley house or sterling northgate it sucks though because i was just getting used to the thumping bass and regular vandalism heldenfalls

many landscapers local to the bryan-college station area have gathered to protest the big event an annual service day for texas a&m students the dispute began after some landscapers attributed declining sales in the months following the big event to the mass quantities of free labor distributed to the well-off families in the area around 100 workers gathered with unpainted picket signs on the msc grass to kick off the protest (and a possible job opportunity) the protesters main issue is found in a specific clause within the big events core values the clause reads in part this one-day event is not based on socioeconomic need while this clause is most likely an effort at avoiding discrimination many landscapers see it differently rich people are our entire clientele said rick preston a contractor for a local landscaping company poor people are the ones who could actually appreciate yard work instead our business is ripped away leaving us with no way to make money for months business owners that live in other college towns infected by the big event have experienced a similar issue the majority of the protesters did not want to see the big event discontinued but rather substantially changed they see an opportunity for students to perform jobs at which they are actually skilled cant the engineers engineer something or the business students help small businesses said julia vernon another protester why are they assigning kids to mulch yards when they have no experience in landscaping a minority group of landscapers in the community sees the big event as more of an opportunity than a threat one landscaper pointed out that so many yards are left unfinished or even worse after volunteers work on them making this a massive market for landscapers to fix the mess of inexperienced students until the issue is resolved the elite of bcs will continue to reap the benefits of free yard service while the landscapers keep struggling to stay afloat 12th man bowels

this past weekend the university writing center announced a brand-new course after noting a sizeable need in previously uncharted territory: instagram captions the uwc wants to capitalize on social medias growing importance to students by helping users create captions worthy of hundreds of likes this course will give caption ideas covering a wide variety of events: first day of class bid day holidays semiformal ring day birthdays and many more topics include emoji use optimal length the elimination of capital letters and whether or not you have enough followers to post something quirky without seeming weird kaylee patterson a sophomore kinesiology major had nothing but praise for the week-long intensive course i knew i couldnt post a picture for my best friends birthday with the caption ‘youre so easy to celebrate! after seeing all my friends posting the exact same thing said patterson the university writing center helped me come up with a caption that finally got me to 400 likes thank you uwc! hannah philps a senior business management major relayed her distress over the rising importance of formulating the perfect caption i started college in 2014 said philps back then it didnt even matter what caption you put under your valencia-filtered selfie of you and your roommate thank god i have this course so i can hang on to my shreds of relevancy it is rumored that the university writing center is set to roll out other social media-related courses including the perfect humble brag and what to name your facebook albums after you graduate magnum opas

students have often questioned the mysterious manner in which the big event staff assign student groups to job sites this year the big event has implemented a new policy when assigning jobs to student organizations calling it big brother event since april of last year big brother event has been utilizing social media algorithms to detect which student organizations have generated the most favorable content about their big event experiences groups that have spent the past year flooding their social media with desirable posts will be given jobs such as mulching a yard in castlegate meanwhile undesirable supporterswhose social media posts have been found lacking or even negativewill be forced to endure hard labor lasting all day on rural properties in the outskirts of bryan-college station this decision was met with controversy as many students were worried they could have been more supportive of big brother event had they known its influence i dont have a problem with big brother watching me said john murdoch i just wish i would have posted more on my social media so i could guarantee an easy work site once we implemented the new program we saw positive feedback increase 88% said janice rupert a sophomore history major and big event staff member we havent seen this much motivation to participate in the big event since everyone was convinced it was mandatory their freshman year overall we look forward to the increased social media presence we will have when people begin posting in light of job sites for next year big brother event has promised an increase in the big event enjoyment for those who parade their support for the cause and harsh labor for those who see themselves above the event the moment this years event ends the social media monitoring for those faithful to the big event will begin – netflix and drill

after cutting off three cars while driving down university drive this morning the other parent to your future children barrelled through yellow lights at 10 miles per hour over the speed limit this daredevil will one day be responsible for dropping off your children to school in the family minivan as if that was not enough the love of your life decided to skip their afternoon class so they could take a nap before staying up for a netflix binge on their way out of koldus they forced a biker into a bush so they could avoid yielding when exiting the garage not even slowing down to enjoy their victory in the game of chicken with the bicyclist your future life partners productivity declined when they arrived home leaving their belongs strewn across the apartments public space an endearing juxtaposition to how one day they will help you clean up the messes your children leave around the house in a herculean effort they managed to move their dishes from the counter and into the sink preventing anyone else from placing dishes there after waking up from their nap the person who will someday join you in holy matrimony decided to use their roommates groceries to make queso for the stale chips they discovered in the back of the pantry this queso recipe will go on to be served at all of your future dinner parties you will host as a family after this mexican-inspired lunch creation your future spouse sat down to work on homework for about fifteen minutes before opening up netflix on another tab and settling in for a few hours after several hours of streaming the office your destined spouse missed their group meeting to go and grab something to eat from china king buffet before returning home upon their return they began streaming a princess bride which will one day become the first movie the two of you will watch together this day follows the absolute last low point last week where your future partner chose to miss dinner with friends in order to sit at home and consume a little caesars hot-n-ready pizza all by themselves the current spout of procrastination they feel will be brought to an end when they rear-end your vehicle next month and the two of you meet – netflix and drill

in a study released by the texas a&m college of veterinary medicine three chimpanzees were brought to the 3rd floor of evans library and researchers observed their behavior the three chimps were all seated at one table given study materials and a cell phone then briefed that the floor they occupied was a quiet floor during the study the chimps were found to be very considerate of those around them at one point the cell phone rang while the chimps knew that an interesting conversation awaited on the other end they each decided that is was not the time nor the place to be taking a phone call when milton one of the chimps saw a funny meme online and showed it to his chimp friend swift swift used his body language to acknowledge that the meme was funny however the quiet floor was not an appropriate place to be sharing memes kafka the third chimpanzee got excited about her weekend plans and wanted to tell milton and swift; however after a few stares from others in the library kafka realized that she would disturb the studying environment if she continued the study generated surprising results: chimpanzees were able to adhere to social norms expected on the quiet floor of a library despite being in a group the researchers involved are confused by the fact that similar studies on humans do not render the same results but will continue to look into the question 12th man bowels

this week after years of heated debate and deliberation by the nations top professionals one complicated national issue was solved by a guy eating burnt oven pizza off a crumpled napkin he found on his counter trey stinton a sophomore spanish major at texas a&m told the mugdown that his solution came to him after he read the headline of an article on facebook about the issue shortly after wiping hardened pizza grease from his patchy unkempt beard and tossing his napkin on the floor he got to work devising a solution to the issue that had stumped those who had devoted their entire lives to its resolution senator carla franklin who has spent the last ten years learning about the issue voiced her excitement about stintons solution i was skeptical at first franklin said having worked on this issue my entire career the last person i expected to have the answer was a second-year college undergraduate whose profile picture features him shotgunning a miller lite in the early afternoon but when i finally deciphered his 400-word facebook rant which was riddled with typos and grammatical errors i knew he was on to something after reading stintons proposal policymakers began work immediately dismantling the progress they had made over the last decade in favor of a solution that came from a man who did not know for sure what day it was when he created it stinton feels confident that his takes on other topics are unique and wants to offer more solutions to the countrys most complicated issues he also continues to insist that he got his athletes foot from his friends bathroom and not own his shower which he has never cleaned teenage music gigem turtles

swiftly coming to terms with the reality of his future in corporate america senior business management major and active member of a mens social organization jordan michaels realized how absolutely awful all of this is now i remember my first ever unicorn cum shot like it was yesterday michaels said staring depressingly at a picture of david bowie on the wall at logies while ‘sugar were going down drones on in the background but now… it holds no appeal behaviors widely considered normal and acceptable during college are quickly perceived as juvenile or dangerous upon graduation dumping keystone light on chicks during chilifest or drinking on tuesday nights become problematic behaviors unfit for a father and husband smoking cigarettes swiftly shifts from i-dont-care-what-you-think badassery to the leading cause of preventable death in the us according to the cdc this is not lost on michaels do i need to change who i am michaels could be overheard wondering out loud over a chugger of coors light i mean there are only so many times i can listen to mr brightside whats wrong with me is this what growing up feels like with chilifest quickly approaching michaels began making moves to distance himself from the habits that could easily become his undoing while saving up for one last blow-out to remember the old college days he switched from traditional tobacco products like dip and cigarettes to a juul a trendy new e-cig for health reasons he started buying groceries and cleaning his bathroom once a month a chore neglected since he signed his first lease three semesters ago surveying his light smattering of sexual partners over the last three and a half years he started to glimpse the reality he had not yet experienced true love thats it michaels said while deleting a half written ‘you up text from his phone at 1:45 am im going to finally become the person i want to be howdy boo boo

brock heard performed his civic duty of democratic participation last friday taking advantage of the mscs convenient location for early voting heard like many aggies is not from brazos county however this did not even slightly hinder his ability to cast a ballot if it came to a point where he did not know anything about the candidates or their positions heard simply picked the one that sounded the most familiar or had the coolest name whats important is that i voted for every position heard told the mugdown heards parents were thrilled to hear that he voted i was so excited to tell my family! heard said we take a lot of pride in political participation over the past few days the msc has been host to a large number of students wearing i voted! stickers heard says that this motivated him significantly as it would have embarrassed him not to have a sticker besides voting only takes like 35 seconds heard said heard a political science major further explained that the importance of voting cannot be overstated had he decided not to vote then his opinion on important things like locally-held offices which affect citizens day-to-day lives would have gone completely unnoticed even if i didnt always know what i was voting for at least i took a stand said heard after exiting the msc heard a graduating senior will likely be moving back to his home state of colorado this spring and is reportedly a bit disappointed he will not get to experience the impact of his decision to vote ⎻west campus mirage voting day is on march 6th in texas

the 2017-2018 corps of cadets is not only the largest the corps has been since 1975 but also the most inclusive the corps has ever been the current corps focuses its energy on separating itself from the past the changes in the corps shift beyond ideological boundaries and have reshaped how annual events are conducted as well events this year have included vegan meal options at all outfit bbqs and a daily 2 minutes of hate after dinner where freshmen are allowed to yell at any upperclassmen the biggest shift was the rock the quad event where the most hateful sophomore from each outfit was stoned to death by their fish the most recent change is the way in which the cadet challenge event bloody cross is held much less exciting than the name indicates bloody cross is a three mile run around the quad in which outfits race each other to a soundtrack of 80s rock a bulletin from the commandant general ramirez elaborated on the situation: we believe that decreasing the number of runners for the event will better represent our credo of ‘inclusion by all means necessary in past years the event required 75% participation to qualify for an event but the new requirement lowers that number to 15 runners historically all-male outfits dominated this event; company h-1 has won the event for the past 17 years in a row however with the runner count set to 15 outfits only have to field the fastest 15 guys in the company its really genius if you think about it said brad sauer corps commander even though 98% of the runners registered for the event are men we can use the results to show that integrated outfits are just as physically fit as soon-to-be-integrated units the cadets themselves had mixed reactions to the event though its not that only all-male outfits could win the event said jenner pinkerton a senior cadet in a-1 its just that they are the only ones who care to try the three ways to be disqualified from the race are to swear to push or pull other runners or to wear costumes who do you think that last rule is for over the weekend each outfit will have the opportunity to try its hand at breaking a winning streak matching the senior class year over the course of the weekend those who visit the quad will see bloody cross run as it would have been forty years ago: all male – netflix & drill hazed and confused

dear editor: as with every spring semester aggies are full of new years resolutions and a newfound zeal for school this motivation can take several forms whether that means rushing to the rec like a flock of pigeons harassing park goers or talking to that cute guy or girl in lab the problem with this is that many students relapse into their normal habits and end the semester like every other: with physical and emotional disappointment that being said many students choose to fulfill their desperation for change by joining organizations on paper it seems like a great idea: you can meet new people and have something to fill space on your fluff-piece of a resume for the first couple of weeks everything seems to be going just fine however after stumbling into a saturday afternoon meeting hungover for the fourth week in a row many students feel a not-so-faint tinge of remorse this might sound bleak but never fear for i believe i discovered the secret to success with minimal effort this past semester i discovered how to look like the busiest man on campus while spending all day sitting at home every year i get put into these group projects and theres always one guy who cant make it to our meetings because of some stupid club i thought to myself whats stopping me from taking that concept a bit further as a result last fall i signed up for 23 different clubs with that much involvement time conflicts are inevitable essentially what i do is show up to the first meeting for a few minutes and make a really big deal about being late for another meeting everyone seems impressed that i came and flattered that i took the effort to be there since i do that for every single obligation i effectively have zero responsibilities no longer do i have to sheepishly explain my listless lifestyle to my parents i can blow them away as i rattle off my impressively long line of organizations i am pretty sure ill have to hire an editor for my novel of a resume more importantly i can finally justify my lethargy since im such a busy person thanks and good luck keeping up the lies hazed and confused

texas a&m university has announced that college majors will be included as a determinant of group intersectionality students are now asked to consider if they are being inclusive enough of underrepresented majors in their activities the administration has decided that opinions can be more valid and should be listened to based off the speakers area of study it is now also official policy to recognize the additional difficulty some majors face the university defines this difficulty as something that adds validity to the opinions of those majors at a minimum students are expected to base their definition of hardship on representative hardship rather than personal experience with only 18 music majors on campus we need to weigh their opinions over others since most people cant perceive the difficulty they face said abby beker a junior theater arts major engineers dont need all the attention they get with how difficult their course load is everyone knows engineers have difficult courses but nobody cares when i bring up my personal difficulty being one of 17 theater arts majors on campus thats why i support the university stepping in to assign value to opinions another student offered similar opinions backing the move by the administration as one of 45 performance studies majors extra value should be assigned to my perspective said tim spleek a senior performance studies major i am tired of hearing how easy i have it compared to engineers when they have never see it from my viewpoint before engineers have established channels for jobs after graduation but i dont have access to that when i apply for jobs after school not every student was in support of the administrations move but few were willing to publicly voice their opposition to it i just dont think every time i have a discussion with someone my major should be relevant to whether i should be heard or not said adam lytics a junior computer engineering major i think trying to judge people by their major is silly since everyone sees their own major as the hardest; its just divisive the university is asking us to treat students differently because of their major while also telling us to treat everyone the same regardless of major after he voiced his opinions students were quick to shout adam down he was accused of major-splaining and having major privilege as an engineer which prevents him from understanding why he cannot understand what other majors are going through – netflix and drill

unease permeated the gay community at texas a&m as many realized that the entire population of gay aggie men attended olivia ellmonts 21st birthday bash i saw on facebook that my friend brandon and his boyfriend ian were coming to olivias thingwhich was cool because its always awkward showing up to a party where you only know the host said junior international studies major seth patterson it wasnt until i went to get some jello shots that i saw that adrian shumaker and blake aleta were there too sophomore management major blake aleta told the mugdown at one point i saw this guy who looked super familiar but i couldnt remember where i knew him from then i realized i had matched with him on tinder a bunch of times but never messaged him yikes at one point i even took inventory of every man in the room and it turns out that i follow 87% of them on instagram senior darryl robinson said and then there are the guys who i didnt technically know were gay but facebook and instagram are always insistent that i should add them so ive known im sure some of the guys there were straight but how do i know which ones i swear even [ex-boyfriend] wes showed up patterson said wes munter holds up a photo on grindr a popular gay dating app: look at this torso photo! thats me in the background! its from olivias party! north by northgate

dale santos a student at texas a&m university is currently learning about business ethics from a book that his professor dr wallace yates selflessly wrote and made him buy yates is one of the worlds leading experts in business ethics which is why he is here at the university spreading his knowledge on the subject despite the massive amount of spelling errors santos did not mind paying $200 for his textbook because he reportedly appreciated the hard work that his professor put into writing it professor yates told us that we are not allowed to buy a book used from someone who had taken the class before because it would be unethical santos said i am really glad that we have a professor that cares about ethical behavior enough to implement it in their class no other book on business ethics will be able to teach my students as well as my book can yates said i sleep very well at night knowing my students are getting a great education even if that means i keep some of the profits according to yates ethics book sometimes making money from people who cannot afford to buy your product is essential in conducting ethical business yates ethics textbook contains valuable information like putting aside personal interests for your business in order to maintain a standard of integrity the book also gives information that is personalized for his students college experience containing words like aggie or reveille to help them learn the material faster overall students of this business ethics class love learning about ethics and moral values from their professor and his book unfortunately due to the fact that it is a locally published book a cheaper version cannot be purchased online and it is only available in brand new format at the msc bookstore whoop-tang clan

in an attempt to increase student attendance central fellowship bible church: north campus (cfbcnc) has begun offering evening services to cater to students who spend most of their sundays recovering from hangovers these new services will occur at 5 pm and will offer gatorade and other electrolyte-filled snacks students have been thrilled about the new idea as it allows them to be more productive in multiple areas of their lives i used have a hard time attending church because it was getting in the way of my social life said peter simon a sophomore business major now i dont have to choose between sitting in my puke and sitting in a pew cfbcnc saw a chance to capitalize on the new service when powerhouse grace bible church: anderson campus (colloquially granderson) stopped offering evening services while cfbcnc still faces competition with a few other churches they feel as if they are gaining popularity with the im out of excuses crowd although the new services have convinced many students to start going back to church a few are still resistant sunday evening is when i study said martha greenberg a junior engineering major god has placed me at this university to be a student and that is what i need to prioritize students voicing this opinion do not worry cfbcnc because they believe those students were probably not coming to church anyway cfbcnc has seen tremendous growth since the addition of the service and expects to be a leader in evening services for the foreseeable future being back at church has left me so ‘filled with the spirit like it says in ephesians 5:18 said simon and now i can spend the rest of my weekend filled with the spirits 12th man bowels

last night garrett junger forgot to set his alarm and will inadvertently cause americas first dictator to rise to power without knowledge of the dystopian future he set into motion by hitting end rather than snooze jungers decision alone will influence the entire course of history adam salomon left for his 8 am class slamming the door behind him nearly loud enough to wake his roommate junger rolled in his bed just a few decibels away from saving the entirety of the western world from collapse meanwhile the next perpetrator of north american genocide took jungers seat in class at the front of the room tossing in his sleep and almost waking himself up junger instead kept his eyes shut through the twilight of freedom and liberty the sole savior of democracy continued to dream about showing up to his final exam without a scantron from his new seat the future despicable tyrant was finally able to hear the professor which gave him the knowledge to get a barely-passing grade on the final at the end of the semester the butterfly effect of one college freshmans decision to skip class will eventually allow for the rise of americas first authoritarian figure the entirety of campus was none the wiser at the events that unfolded this fateful morning courtney razer a sophomore accounting major was too concerned that stepping on a crack would jinx the aggie basketball team other students were concerned about whether their actions would cause a new football recruit to decommit or their next tweet to go viral the downfall of modern america will occur because a nineteen-year-old failed to attend class if only junger had mustered the strength to attend pols 206 he would have been responsible for all of our salvation – netflix and drill

the commandants office released a bold statement wednesday regarding uniform policy for the corps of cadets after many years of deliberation brigadier general joe e ramirez commandant of the corps of cadets has instituted casual fridays a policy that allows cadets to wear clothing of their choice to friday classes there have been reports of low cadet morale so the uniform change will hopefully boost satisfaction and provide a more dynamic atmosphere for our corps said ramirez we will test it out this semester and see how many cadets we retain through the next fiscal year the uniform change is historic: the corps of cadets has donned uniforms to class since the university was founded in 1876 although cadets have expressed mixed emotions at the idea of casual fridays one group on campus is decidedly frustrated with the uniform change bootchasers the self-proclaimed corps fan club has begun planning a protest against the commandants decision i have this senior in my friday 8 am and the only thing that gets me out of bed is the thought of seeing that khaki uniform with those brown boots said sophomore beth neil how am i supposed to distinguish between him and the rest of the male student body without the uniform theres no point in even going to class while the cadet enrollment is currently around 2 600 the office of the commandant announced in 2015 that it is pushing for a 3 000-person corps in the next five years research conducted by the corps of cadets association shows that if prospective students were given the option of joining the corps without having to wear the uniform 65% were more likely to join the military organization if successful in boosting corps numbers casual fridays may result in the corps of cadets ditching the bravos uniform altogether allowing cadets to better blend in with the rest of the student population buffalo wild wags

early wednesday morning the mugdown discovered a mysterious letter outside of the fish camp office in koldus the note was written by an unknown author with the moniker wormwood describing a plot among fish camp co-chairs to undermine the aggie spirit the trail has run cold and there is no indication as to who these chairs are or who wormwood is however our editorial board has decided in the interest of full faith and transparency to publish the letter in full the text is found below on the nature of fish camp my dear friends i am thrilled to see that you after enduring years inhaling the noxious gas the aggies call the aggie spirit have risen to the rank of fish camp co-chairs manipulating your way into the halls of power with your conviction and dedication to our mission not only intact but stronger than ever you are all strong and faithful to our quest against the aggie spirit and your skilled assimilation into a&ms culture has kept our destructive intent hidden your actions over the coming weeks as you and your partners select 24 counselors are crucial to the success of our endeavors take heed of my advice as close adherence to my recommendations will surely lead to fish camps that turn incoming freshman away from the allure of the aggie spirit you must avoid picking counselors who are grateful at all costs gratitude whether to you the organization or to texas a&m as a whole is anathema to our goal grateful counselors make excited counselors; excited counselors are passionate about the mission of fish camp; passionate counselors will provide freshman with a good experience and cause them to believe in the hateful aggie spirit grateful counselors will be the aggie family for freshmanwe simply cannot allow this! freshmen at fish camp must feel excluded the rhetoric of counselors and their actions must be blatantly hypocritical because hypocrisy creates resentment; resentment cynicism; and cynicism drives freshmen from the aggie family your counselors should not focus on the freshmen but are rather focus on themselves your camp must look inward not outward; they must be careless instead of caring above all they must be motivated by fun and personal enjoyment rather than a sense of responsibility or passion for service in order to achieve this you must pick counselors in the shallowest ways possible i recommend the following criteria attractiveness an attractive camp or face-camp will stir the resentment of other counselors this resentment will cause other camps to focus less on serving freshmen and more on petty squabbling and resentment another beneficial side effect is your counselors becoming attracted to one another which opens up a new rabbit hole organization involvement several organizations at texas a&m including flos and other social organizations have historically had large representation in fish camp; thus their current members feel entitled to fish camp membership entitlement is a powerful tool for us social skills focus on over-the-top outgoing counselors no matter the quality of their character; in fact the poorer their character the better a camp of extroverts will make shy freshmen feel uncomfortable and excluded; this is just what were looking for agenda nothing is more destabilizing to a camp than extreme political agendas in fact counselors on either side of the aisle can accomplish our goal hardcore conservative saviors of tradition mentalities are just as destabilizing as progressive diversity above all else agendas connections well-connected counselors are likely to feel more entitled particularly second and third years as ive said this is powerful; older counselors are naturally examples to younger ones and self-serving attitudes among your older counselors will naturally filter to the rest alcohol your counselors must be willing to break fish camps drinking policy three positive outcomes could result from this first your camp may splinter into cliques and thus create drama second you and your partner should come down on this breach in a draconian fashion creating tensions resentment and discord third alcohol can lead to poor decision-making poor choices made by your counselors can slowly chip away at the credibility of the aggie spirit selecting counselors based on these criteria ensures a large portion of your camp will feel entitled to be there unfortunately not all of your counselors will be entitled more than likely you will have several grateful passionate counselors no matter how hard you try however even a small dash of entitlement in a camp lays the foundation for dramatic selfish and inward facing camps that leave freshmens hearts hardened to the aggie spirit remember friends nothing destroys the aggie spirit faster than when its supposed protectors those tasked with showing it to others act in a way contradictory to everything being an aggie stands for you must find people like this and you must ensure they are members of fish camp 2018 best of luck this month and i look forward to learning of your progress with fond affection wormwood

to showcase a tremendous pool of talent texas a&m will be hosting its first victimhood olympics to commemorate the spring semester the vast pool of students claiming to have it the worst are finally able to prove they need the most sympathy from their peers the student recreation center has released a series of events to determine which students truly have it the worst the following four events will award points to the top scoring students in each event to determine their levels of victimhood: speed sleeping: participants will compete against one another to see who functions with the least amount of sleep the student able to function with the least amount of sleep will be named the victor this event will judged from monday until thursday figure skating: many students complain that they are shamed for being too fat or too thin competitors will rollerblade across rudder plaza in front of a panel of judges who will critique their physical appearance the student who undergoes the most verbal barrage and is still able to skate will receive the highest score this event will be held on monday afternoon following the opening ceremony cross campus classes: students are constantly whining about the difficulties they face getting to and around campus students will be timed through their choice of tuesday or wednesday routine to see which students have the hardest trek each day the two-part event will include the obstacles in getting to campus from home before measuring the difficulty of moving from the parking space to the actual classrooms for that day routes spanning from lot 100 to main campus before heading back to west campus seem to be the most competitive schedule combined: the rigors of both the work and academic schedule are combined for this event students often complain about the difficulty they face on a daily basis with getting their necessary work done students will be judged on how difficult they can make their schedule seem to others rather than the actual measurement of their work hours or course load this event will take place on thursday and will be the final event before the closing ceremony on friday interested students have time to prepare for the games starting the week of monday feb 26 following the close of the winter olympics the rec hopes these events will grow students interest and participation in the physical activities they fund with their student fees – netflix and drill

texas a&ms division of marketing and communication has long had a favorite pastime of searching for obscure meaningless rankings to post on social media the department salivates whenever a naïve freshman retweets their post with a comment such as so blessed to attend this wonderful university! recently a&m was ranked the no 4 happiest place to get the flu adding to their already impressive collection of bullshit metrics since classes began on january 17 students have been coughing complaining and repeatedly making that annoying sniffle sound while in large lecture halls it has been reported that 91 percent of undergrad and graduate students have already experienced some sort of illness this semester if you are one of the lucky 9 percent who have yet to fall ill expect an itchy throat and headache sometime within the next two weeks despite the outbreak student morale remains high the all in this together camaraderie for which aggies are famous finds no exception when it comes to flu season although the university is proud of this new no 4 ranking student health services feels obligated to improve the overall health on a&ms campus usually when a student comes in with a 105-degree fever and violent cough we just tell them its a symptom of stress said jackie shinevert nurse at the ap beutel health center however were beginning to understand that there might be more than stress spreading around our campus good bullogna

campaign season at texas a&m is now in full swing and the corps of cadets has released its annual contingent of endorsed yell leader candidates known as 5 for yell until voting concludes on february 23rd facebook will be full of campaign pictures and videos of the candidates advertising their relatability and involvement the mugdown had the opportunity to catch up with the corps yell leader candidates juniors blake jones connor joseph gavin suel and sophomores karsten lowe and reid williams in an exclusive interview hoping to prove that they are more than just winning smiles and khaki pants we asked four questions gaining insight into how they spend their time and what makes them stand out as a potential yell leader what is your favorite place to eat on campus blake jones: eat i dont have time to eat campaign season is no joke normally im living off of saltine crackers and quadbucks coffee connor joseph: papa johns at 11 pm on a friday because theyll sometimes give me their extra pizzas which is like lunch for a whole week gavin suel: the rec sandwiches are key karsten lowe: is that even a question duncan reid williams: is that even a question duncan why do you want to be a yell leader jones: i had a lot of extra time on my hands and thought to myself ‘what the heck might as well give it a shot joseph: i look really good in white suel: i was one last year and i kind of like not sleeping or having time for anything but womens soccer and basketball lowe: girls man williams: um wow i never really thought about it can i get back to you what do you like to do in your free time jones: i like sleeping and listening to power by kanye west joeseph: i like sleeping and going for a jog shirtless around the golf course suel: i like sleeping and spending quality time brushing ms reveilles hair lowe: i like to read the poetic teachings of goethe and binge-watch american vandal on netflix also i like to sleep williams: i like sleeping and lifting heavy things whats your favorite study spot on campus jones: anywhere but quadbucks that place is crawling with bootchasers joseph: study suel: theres a spot in reed arena where i sit during half-time at womens basketball games that is pretty good for studying if you can drown out the halftime shooting competition lowe: in between sets at the rec williams: quadbucks is the only place to study the constant stream of sorority girls is a nice white noise buffalo wild wags

a large portion of students at texas a&m are likely to hate the careers in their field of study engineers never really want to just be engineers forever and there are few people who think investment banking will be a good lifestyle for more than a few months but no one earning a difficult and prestigious degree who will go on to work for a well-known and successful company wants to admit they know theyre going to hate their life choices a few years into the real world over time many students develop strategies to brag about their future awful careers no group of students understands this better than students in the professional program in accounting (ppa) at mays business school ppa students are highly coveted by the worlds four largest accounting and professional services firms known as the big four: pricewaterhousecoopers kpmg ernst & young and deloitte ppa students are trained to enter public accounting otherwise known ubiquitously as the worst damn career ever most ppa students know theyre going to hate the first few years working as public accountants at the big four and have mastered the art of expressing their disdain for their future careers while also managing to brag about their smarts and success the mugdown after interviewing many ppa students has compiled the definitive guide to bragging about your future terrible career so that you too can beg for help while also seeming like an excited and successful young professional! step 1: get into a really safe really prestigious program thanking god for the opportunity while also highlighting the job security in casual conversation: im just really excited to learn more about what i want to do with my life and to have the first few years of my career already ironed out step 2: casually mention how youre so busy during recruitment season because the worlds four largest accounting firms wont leave you alone in casual conversation: you: yeah i havent really been able to study for my audit test tomorrow ive been swamped lately friend: whats going on you: oh just recruitment stuff every day kpmg had a crawfish boil yesterday pwc took us to steak dinners on tuesday ey is taking a bunch of recruits and recruiters to an escape room tonight and deloitte is throwing an open-tab happy hour at world of beer tomorrow! step 3: accept an internship while explaining it to people always make sure you mention two things: how many hours youll be working during busy season and how big of a deal your company is when asked about your internship: oh ill probably be working a lot ill be doing audit which ive heard can be a lot of time like staying at work until 1 am but the clients and opportunities at ey are pretty incredible so it will be fine step 4: post social media photos on your internship from networking events; highlight the few moments you dont spend working by showing off your cool new intern friends step 5: accept a job 18 months before your start date post about how excited you are on social media and deposit your signing bonus meanwhile tell everyone who will listen how much you hate the work you did on your internship in casual conversation: friend: wait didnt you hate your internship you: yeah but that was audit and everyone hated auditors i like my tax classes a lot so that should be fine working busy season was definitely a grind and i dont really want to do that forever you know but no one signs up for public accounting because its fun right friend: okay but what if what you want to do changes between now and when you start you: dude i just got hired at one of the best firms in the world i think ill be fine step 6: regularly belittle students who sign with lesser firms in casual conversation: you: he signed with grant thornton man i thought he was smarter than that step 7: tell everyone how youre only going to stay in for two or three years after graduation while heavily implying that your starting job is so incredible that youll be set for success for the rest of your life when asked by family what youre going to do with your life: yeah im going to go put in my time in public accounting i think i can survive a few busy seasons and make it out alive itll suck a lot but ill get paid and then i can jump off into like middle market firms or be an independent cpa whatever just need to pay my dues right fish daddy

good news for rival recruiters bad news for cliff mickelson: 5-star girlfriend riley cahill decommitted from her relationship with mickelson tuesday evening cahill who had verbally committed to mickelson last february was once considered a locked-in prospect by the mickelson camp however after official visits with her friends and unofficial visits with other guys cahill announced her decommitment on twitter first i would like to thank cliff his friends and the mickelson family for the opportunities theyve presented me cahill said its a tough decision but after talking with god and my family i am officially reopening my recruitment #roadtothering for mickelson the news is upsetting though not especially surprising cahill has received numerous offers from other high-profile suitors analysts point to her intelligence her sense of humor and the way she used to smile at mickelson when she thought he wasnt looking as the makings of a blue-chip recruit as one of college stations most sought-after relationship candidates cahill will have her pick of the litter from the towns male population sources around cahill predict her leaning towards an offer from some frathole in her pols 206 class hullakazoo

texas a&m university exists as individual colleges working in unison to advance the cause of the aggie empire this unified effort has stimulated the growth of the aggies in fields such as research and athletics and has pushed a&ms borders all the way to galveston and corpus christi but now the glory days are gone and the current state of the empire does not bode well for its future great roads that once stretched across the city are now crowded and pockmarked with potholes that inhibit their usage seasonal rains flood the streets and redirect the passage of aggies across campus construction projects are prolonged and some projects begin before others are finished leaving the campus into a perpetual state of construction the aggie spirit chariot system has been unable to provide aggies with passage across the empire as promised many have noticed that the shift in funds toward the sports programs and sports venues rather than infrastructure is indicative of something more ominous i think the money flooding the athletics program is to distract citizens from the inevitable collapse of campus said nicholas agricola a junior biomedical sciences major theyre spending money on bread and circuses to hide the problem because they recognize that the decay cant be reversed many students believe the failing conditions across campus have turned the colleges against one another without sports to distract us we were able to pay attention to the differences between the colleges said cato arellius a senior finance major every brick and tile laid during the eternal construction of the glasscock building could have been used to fix the parking lots by wehner it isnt hard to imagine the problem going away if they just allocated money from the less desirable colleges to meet the campus real needs mounting tensions between groups has caused citizens from the engineering district to raid the liberal arts district for supplies we wanted to show that our rights come first and [liberal arts students] are subservient to us said alexander sulla a junior computer engineering major if the university system cannot provide for us we will take from the lower classes what should be ours our college will survive university system or not some are still hopeful that the aggie empire can recover from this dark time and prevent the coming institutional collapse otherwise a barbaric burnt orange horde threatens to dismantle aggielands borders – netflix and drill

things were going well at dinner with his parents for junior political science major ralph gutierrez on sunday until he let a nugget of personal information slip: one of his roommates this year is openly gay his parents didnt sleep that evening the owner of the days inn on texas avenue confirmed troubled by the utter violation of social norms the couple could be heard discussing outrageous throwing out hypotheticals late into the night what if our ralphie comes home and theres just a room full of guys touching each other gutierrezs dad was overheard asking or worsewhat is he gonna do if they all start hitting on him his mother after suggesting she buy her son a rape whistle decided to confront ralph the next day at a pre-departure brunch son your father and i are very progressive she said we think that you taking in this boy is a sweet and courageous move but were not sure youve fully considered the consequences of your decision here i used to have a gay roommate and it was fine until she started coming after me and that made me very uncomfortable gutierrez reportedly tried to shift the topic of conversation several times at press time gutierrez was regretfully eating his eggs wishing he had never said anything at all howdy boo boo

junior animal science major draven esposito was scrolling through twitter earlier this month periodically chuckling at cat videos when he came across a shocking photo this photo nearly lost in a sea of basketball clips and airbrushed yell leader face shots announced that the texas a&m womens soccer team had defeated the university of arkansas to take the sec tournament championship it was not the soccer teams win that threw esposito into a trance of confusion but rather the realization that womens sports exist at texas a&m university i have always assumed tamu only had mens sports teams said esposito ive never even heard the university mention womens athletics he also expressed frustration regarding sports passes complaining that he previously believed they could only be used for football and mens basketball games i wish i could go back in time and get my moneys worth ive spent upwards of $300 a year on sports passes and had no idea i could use them to watch womens sporting events heck i didnt even know we had womens teams this season the universitys official twitter page has featured only one post alluding to the existence of womens sports and the goal of the tweet was to spread awareness about a canned food drive not womens teams one communications representative informed the mugdown that their twitter content is chosen based on ticket sales: our social media team is not concerned with season records or overall team success we post according to a financial matrix more revenue more media attention as for esposito he has become an advocate for womens sports despite their lack of media exposure he claims that following successful and competitive teams has improved his blood pressure and mental health and he hopes to spread this positivity throughout the student body squatbucks

following saturday nights victory against the university of kentucky many students have taken to twitter and snapchat to celebrate that texas a&m is now a basketball school despite the long history and success surrounding the universitys equestrian program athletic director scott woodward insists that although mens hoops is currently riding a four-game win streak including wins against #9 auburn and #24 kentucky the dynastic year-to-year performance of a&ms equestrian team makes it the ‘show horse of aggie athletics students have started to hop on the aggie basketball bandwagon ever since the team climbed as high as #5 in the ncaa rankings while the football program fell to fifth in the sec west were totally going to the final four this year! i didnt even know equestrianism was a sport said junior math major and reed rowdy reid buckets although the mens basketball team has been successful as of late the aggie equestrian team is coming off an ncea championship impressive recruiting season and trip to the white house i decided to move from the university of washington to take this job due to the depths of talent in the aggie equestrian team said woodward it really perturbs me when i go on twitter and view snapchat stories saying ‘a&m is a basketball school! over and over again its just noise to me regardless of which program is the best in aggie athletics all sides can agree texas a&m is not a football school finishing the 2017 season 7-6 the teams worst record since 2011 football boosters are in a scramble and hoping one $75 million guy can turn around the program good bullogna

on monday morning an entire class of 60 students stared in awe as sophomore jefferson steel removed his pullover jacket revealing his shredded six-pack abs in an attempt to adjust to the classrooms thermostat setting steel exhibited to his classmates that some people do stay fit in the winter it was so unexpected said summer strong freshman communications major we all sat there and expected to laugh at jefferson exposing his flabs but it caught us off-guard that he was so ripped according to eyewitnesses it might have even been an eight-pack reporters heard steel boasting about the occasion the next morning in the rec yeah i wish i had worked on my obliques just a little more before it happened but i think yesterday was a good preview for spring break said steel steel has continued wearing his pullover-style jackets to class and plans to until it is too unbearably hot outside anyone interested can find steel at gulf shores this coming spring break for the final reveal 12th man bowels

the rosenthal meat center is located in the heart of west campus providing animal science majors a place to learn about meat processing and apply those skills in the form of an on-site meat market known for its wide variety of steaks sausages and jerky the retail store will soon further diversify its offerings by selling candles in the scent that has made the rosenthal meat center famous: cow manure students making the walk from west campus garage lot 61 and lot 74 to their respective west campus academic buildings have long been subjected to rosenthals squealing pig sounds and cow manure stench every so often students get the opportunity to witness trailers unloading livestock into the back of the building sophomore bims major brittany lovegood described a recent encounter: i was just on my way to ag cafe when an f-150 carrying a giant trailer of pigs pulled right in front of me and i accidently made eye-contact with one of the little piglets who probably had no idea he was near his own fate dont look too closely something might moo at you the rosenthal meat center fully understands the thoughts and feelings that west campus students associate with their building for years students have purchased our meat products for tailgates and at-home cookouts but we wanted to offer a new product that allows students to think of us even when theyre not working a grill said hank bovine marketing director of the department of animal sciences thats why we decided to start selling manure-scented candles the meat market hopes to roll out their candle product line by early march rosenthal will wait to observe the candles performance before launching any new products but the mugdown has learned that rosenthal is contemplating entering the stuffed animal market these plush dolls will feature a chicken cow and pig and will produce a squealing noise when squeezed good bullogna

having spent the last ten minutes in his office struggling to carry on a conversation with his youngest child over the phone houston-area father walter beyer asked about texas a&ms new head football coach in a desperate attempt to connect with his son kevin beyer in college station how about that new head coach said the elder beyer on tuesday morning frantically searching for something he and his son have in common you think jimbos the right guy for us kevin beyer who has spent his college career downplaying his overwhelming stress and the emotional distance between him and his family half-heartedly feigned interest despite having no opinion of texas a&ms hiring of florida state coach jimbo fisher he seems pretty good i guess said kevin beyer possessing only a passing interest in fishers unprecedented career move himself the elder beyer persisted in steering the conversation toward fishers massive contract beyer reportedly did so while staring at an old photo on his desk of nine-year-old kevin flashing a big grin and gig ‘em sign before the aggies game against louisiana tech in 2006 upon quietly realizing that the boy he remembers carrying down the old kyle field ramps on his shoulders had little investment in the hire beyer paused before changing the subject again sources suggest that the father and son spent another ten minutes shuffling through vapid conversation topics before both parties hung up sighed and went about the rest of their day hullakazoo

it is not uncommon to see two students carpooling on a single moped especially on roads surrounding the texas a&m university campus common moped safety standards require the individual on the rear to wrap their arms around the waist of the driver however two male students were recently spotted driving along george bush drive on a moped; the male in the back cooper ver neeson tried his best to remain upright while not touching his driver in an effort to uphold his masculinity ver neeson a fifth-year construction science major and chad burman the driver know each other through their shared fraternity delta theta epsilon everybody drives on george bush said ver neeson if im seen wrapping my arms around another dude people might you know get the wrong idea theres this girl in kappa that ive been eyeing cara carmichael and that would all be thrown away if i was seen participating in moped touching ver neeson and burman fortunately arrived at their destination on northgate unscathed to prevent further moped safety violations an awareness group called one moped two passengers has begun lobbying brazos county to implement a two-hand contact policy for moped passengers similar to the hands-free communication ordinances for drivers in college station moped passengers will be required to have two points of contact with the driver said one moped two passengers president kyle reagar our main goal is to prevent moped violations and provide a safe road environment for fraternity brothers and moped chicks alike better to lose your man-card than lose your life whether the policy will be implemented has yet to be determined by the county or city governments but the reasons for enacting the law are extensive moped safety violations have doubled in the past two years and quadrupled in the last four according to a recent study by one moped two passengers the organizations slogan captures their mission statement and purpose in a single line: better to lose your man-card than lose your life buffalo wild wags

with student population on the rise demand for better application screening processes among organizations on campus is at an all-time high to meet this need iparadigms llc the company behind plagiarism-prevention service turnitincom announced thursday the release of turnyourappincom a software-as-a-service based on similar proprietary technology the service will offer texas a&m student organizations the capability to test membership applications for a match of up to 99% similarity with current members iparadigms ran beta tests of turnyourappin with mens social organizations at texas a&m with much success we noticed that some of their screening processes werent really sufficient said the products creator samuel better organizations that specialize in tailgating and heavy drinking were making guys show up in suits to a professional interview it would be like having a ballerina audition in business casual its not a recipe for success mens orgs were looking for a very specific combination of behaviors body language and interest in adult activities like gambling and drinking without challenging classic masculine norms like objectifying women or being afraid of gay people we realized that we were uniquely qualified to provide that indiversity a function on the site allows organizations to pick members that look different but actually think the same what organizations really wantespecially at the college levelis to avoid change as much as possible said better while there are a plethora of tools available for recruiting this tool stands alone in that it allows selections committees to pick applicants who have atypical backgrounds and most importantly skin tones but wont mount a serious challenge to the accepted norms of the organization this feature is particularly useful for massive organizations like fish camp that process countless applications every year former co-chair rebecca nightingale is very excited about the prospect noting that her camps photos would have been greatly improved by the indiversity feature that sets a minimum on non-white students honestly every camp talks about its unique culture and values said nightingale but in reality we cycle through the same set of skits and use an almost formulaic approach to building out four days of scheduling really the only unique characteristics are the quantity of inside jokes and level of partying post-lakeview and we can actually use this site to set desired levels of each in our candidates! nightingale is excited to have a website that will assign each applicant into existing fish camp stereotypes so she doesnt need to read thousands of applications the site will exit beta testing on february 1st and will be fully integratable into your organizations application process by the end of the month howdy boo boo

welcome to the muggies presented by the mugdown writers guild this is the first awards article meant to honor our best pieces of the year after taking a look at everything the mugdown has published in 2017 our writers voted on which pieces they liked best across a variety of categories like any actual awards show we started with minor categories like hottest take and best reader comments then we worked our way towards important categories such as best sga article and best uncoventionally formatted article now the moment weve all been waiting for… best battalion burn its not hard to sense the tension between the mugdown and the battalion this rivalry goes back almost four years and like the tu vs a&m clash will likely never end over the years we have certainly published a lot of crap to garner likes there is one example that stands out…however it appears we are not alone this year our friends at the battalion made some similar mistakes and it quickly inspired our batt burn of the year winner: student newspaper mastermind behind controversies best christian bubble piece there was no contest here though the christian bubble is perhaps a&m best known (and easiest to mock) clique on campus this thorough breakdown of the tensions between catholics and protestants neatly and accurately explained a rarely reported on phenomenon winner: catholics to hold referendum seek independence from christian bubble hottest take every year we present controversial satirical perspectives on the hottest issues on campus one of these hot topics is the recent construction of a hotel on campus the general consensus of our student body is a resounding no! including a passionate hiss from the student section during one of our last home games of the season yet there are some major pros that we arent discussing more revenues means less income required from student fees and a&m is one of many schools with first class hotels on campus winner: students upset university working second job at hotel to provide for them best reader comments our audience is notorious for its sophisticated taste and appreciation for satire yet every once in a while we have a reader who just doesnt get it this is especially true of one of our edgier articles winner: students dunk rings in massive piles of cocaine here are some highlights: … and we normally like the mugdown best transportation piece during mugdown transportation week in which we provided a must needed vehicle for protest on the crumbling infrastructure of our wonderful little texas town a lot of interesting think-pieces were presented runner up: texas a&m transportation services to block off all roads on game day this article was a unique insight into the insane traffic management inabilities of texas a&m yet it didnt fully incorporate the experience of dealing with transportation on a&ms campus one article did winner: another bus follows: a transportation horror story best social organization piece runners up: women go to northgate excited for night of being disrespected sorority increases diversity through new t-shirt color options after the rise of #metoo and fall of so many in hollywood issues related to societys treatment of women have attained even more relevance women go to northgate excited for night of being disrespected uniquely highlights the predicament many young women feel on campus in addition womens organizations deserve some scrutiny for their inability to create truly diverse communities yet the winner of this award goes above and beyond criticizing the bar scene or womens organizations it targets a fundamental issue in society we need to improve on: the way men interact with women especially on college campuses winner: girl marks herself safe after fraternity party best administration piece runners up: football player released to prevent campus conversation finding your purpose still unexcused absence upholds university well this one wasnt easy given the perplexity of so many decisions a profound diversity of campus controversies and an almost deliberately silent leadership (except the occasional mass email) countless mugdown articles have gone after our administrators we will never be able to count finding a job as a valid reason for missing class or be able to have a football program without controversy however we will need to change our attitude towards student health resources simply put the move to white creek was tough on students and a&m needs to understand the implications of their decision our winner hit the nail on the head winner: student disabilities moved to galveston campus best student life piece we divided this category into to two loosely-defined imperfect categories: academic and social academic runners up: riots over unassigned assigned seat sparks revolution reckless moron thinks its okay to bike on sidewalks evans library to become six-story starbucks upperclassmen upset the commons actually livable our nominees this year managed to hit on life experiences that are truly relatable this senior is certainly upset that freshmen are no longer subjected to commons pasta and weve all gotten into a passive aggressive battle over an unofficial seating chart in classes reckless moron inspired countless spinoffs and presented a point of view that felt vaguely refreshing to hear out loud but realistically there is one statement that stands truer than all the rest academic winner: texas a&m ranked #1 in bullshit metric social runners up: bootchasing makes way for boot investors student spends 45 minutes browsing netflix forced to microwave food again report: no one wants to go to your thing drunk mom caught with fake id on northgate in many ways the most interesting offshoot of our ring by spring culture is fetishizing zips in the corps though there are a lot of nights that cant be spent simply chasing corps boys and sometimes we find ourselves in the saddest and loneliest states of our lives like leaving food in the microwave while drooling all over the remote while its absolutely true that apathy towards events is a real problem on a&ms campus there is an even bigger epidemic of parents trying to buddy up with their newly legal children to really capture the heart of our universitys social experience our winner wrote a piece that spoke to us all social winner: absolutely outrageous group of friends go to whataburger late at night best student government piece have you ever seen shark week during this most recent student body president election attending texas a&m felt kind of like that the events just kept coming: a last second disqualification of the winner our own outrageous disqualification an op-ed written by white house leadership and then a borderline offensive lawsuit and then silence all fall the only real controversy is about a statue of a man of color and despite a few unfortunate comments on the subject nothing really generated the buzz weve come to expect our nominees generally focus on the frenzy during the spring these articles range from discussing the fallout of our election cycle to an alarmingly accurate comparison to international conflict they also included an underloved extension of some of the mundane student senate debates runners up: election commissioner braces for consequences of doing job well glowstick vigil held to raise awareness for the plight of the wealthy and well-connected opinion: when is student senate going to condemn nicholas cages character in national treasure but alas there can only be one winner which is why our response to an op-ed about our sbp election written by rick perry secretary of energy and member of the cabinet of the president of the united states (while he was serving!) is deserving of our best sga piece of the year winner: rick perry now reveals russia tampered in tamu student body elections best unconventionally formatted piece here at the mugdown we specialize in delivering salient satirical news to your doorstep this typically takes the form of ap-style news updates which allow us to live up to the standards of our journalistic forefathers from time to time however we stray away from our traditional article formats and bring you journalism from a variety of perspectives our nominees reference all aspects of student life from our administrations approach to handling controversy to top tips for social media engagement we also compared an a&m tradition to christmas via a rather polite complaint to our editor in addition some of our newest writers infiltrated the most intimate depths of campus life from illuminating pieces on corps hazing to exploitation of innocent social organizations during songfest runners up: the entire office of the president is out and will be back in fifteen minutes mugd 121: fundamentals of aggie social media letter to the editor: it seems like maroon out season comes sooner every year 50 shades of khaki the true cost of songfest but our champion this year isnt just a champion in the figurative sense it quite literally won 6 positions in our student government yes folks our most creative and influential piece of the year wasnt an article at all: it was a political campaign winner: elect the mugdown thank you for joining us for this years muggies were excited to see you in the 2018 spring semester!

40 and gos northgate location will be offering specials this week to prepare for upcoming final examinations while group tutoring rates will stay at $8+ per hour the tutoring service will be serving northgate-esque beverages at a discounted price founded in 1994 40 and go has long been located in a strip center off texas avenue but the companys northgate expansion locates the tutoring service between chimys and bar 12 two popular northgate establishments december is considered a confusing time for 40 and go as students find themselves conflicted between going to tutoring or bars to prepare for finals sure i should be going to mgmt 209 tutoring for four hours but id much rather pound a dr pepper shootout at chimys said bryce dillenger a sophomore industrial distribution major 40 and gos recent attendance has fallen with students like dillenger opting for a night out with friends rather than middle-aged tutors in response 40 and go has opened a full service bar inside its building offering a wide variety of northgate favorites like pickle shots and chuggers additionally they provide specials such as $1 wells and $2 domestic drafts to go along with their expansive beverage menu 40 and gos management spoke on the new feature: we understand how stressful finals are for students and we are aware of the necessity of alcohol to cope with the stress by opening a bar inside our northgate location we combine two activities that are needed in order for students to survive classes like mgmt 211 and phys 201 on top of providing a full service bar the tutoring services employees will also act as a wait staff during group sessions customers will no longer have to leave their seats as they learn about ionic and covalent bonds while being served their favorite mixed drinks competitor chimys looks to counter this move from 40 and go by offering tutoring services for select business and engineering classes good bullogna

its official: jimbo fisher will take over head coaching duties at texas a&m out of pity effective immediately rumors that fisher was pursuing the opportunity to help the less fortunate have come to fruition according to fisher leaving his prestigious position at florida state to focus on charity work was a tough but necessary choice winning a championship and regularly competing for conference titles is fun said fisher but i could not in clear conscience ignore the ongoing tragedy in college station someone has to do whats right and help out the little guy fisher has reportedly already initiated relief efforts within the aggie football program however early roadblocks to recovery have arisen i tried going over a basic offensive scheme with the players and it was as if i was speaking a different language said fisher i would say ‘deep route and they thought i was trying to say ‘bubble screen its going to take some patience and care to get these guys to resemble a competitive football team in addition to volunteering full-time with the a&m football team fisher has established a research endowment with the school of medicine to treat battered aggie syndrome researchers are somewhat hopeful but are still skeptical about finding a cure hullakazoo

another semester has flown by which means its time once again to say goodbye to our own graduating senior members just as one anxiously waits for the next bit of our content to reach the public so have these friends of ours been waiting to be made known to the world their time contributing to the mugdown is coming to an end but the legacy and satire they leave behind will live on congratulations to our graduating seniors!

on tuesday afternoon texas a&m archaeologists announced the discovery of ancient artifacts that suggest some sort of ritualistic thanksgiving conflict between a&m and the university of texas the new findings as reported by dr ted goebel contradict the strongly-held administrative belief that a&m and ut are not rivals and indeed have always been better off ignoring each other researchers recovered numerous antique video clips box score records and unauthorized profane merchandise that point to a yearly conflict fought between the aggie and longhorn football teams surprisingly these battles appear to have been carried out on school campuses (rather than a neutral site owned by an egomaniacal billionaire) on thanksgiving a time historically devoted to the annual a&m-lsu rivalry game while the universitys administration has allowed goebels findings to be published they vehemently deny such a conflict ever existed nope nope nope said athletic director scott woodward our records show no such thing a&m and ut have always been acquaintances at best lsu is our rival innovation is tradition ignorance is strength please come to our volleyball games the mugdown reached out to ut representatives by phone call for comment on the discovery they responded by giggling and repeating 27-25 baby until they got bored and hung up hullazakoo

as members of an organization widely considered to be the worst organization for new members freshmen or fish in the corps of cadets expressed sympathy for the new littles in sororities though freshmen cadets often seem like the most poorly-treated new members of any group on campus many are glad they dont face the systematic abuse of the big/little system many agree that it is better to have someone be overtly horrible than pretend to love them and be catty behind their back crawling through the mud early on wednesday morning fish jones was reportedly thankful he was not a sorority little while being verbally abused by his upperclassmen and encouraged to quit fish jones was thankful for the honest dislike rather than feigned compassion in addition this harassment concluded with the opportunity to become a full member of the corps freshmen known for complaining about the abuse they face expressed their gratitude for the fact that passive aggression was less common in the corps than in greek life being a fish is better than serving as an instagram prop getting dragged to parties or being the sober sister for your big said fish jones i would take being forced to eat in a peculiar way at duncan over having to sit through awkward sorority family dinner dates another freshman expressed his gratitude over the corps process in which you are treated poorly before being welcomed rather than the opposite being forced to earn my place in the group allowed me to form a true brotherhood with my fellow fish said freshman political science major colin agnew ive never had to doubt my relationship with by classmates what we have to deal with binds us together the opinion is not only commonplace amongst the class of 2021 but shared with their upperclassmen as well my girlfriend is in a sorority and talked about sisterhood all recruitment but constantly complains about the drama said audie custo a sophomore philosophy major i am glad i can just yell at [the fish] and be horrible to their faces; i dont have to pretend i enjoy being around them covered in mud and sweat fish jones stood in line with his sixteen fish buddies as their sophomores the masterminds of their torment went down the line congratulating them and pinning their corps brass on their combat uniforms the semester of hardship far outweighed anything a big or the round of gifts could have provided lil event & netflix and drill

aggie ring weekend fills college station with excitement exponentially-increased alcohol sales and an uncomfortable amount of parents this past friday 2 800 aggies received their coveted piece of gold bringing well over 5 000 parents to campus while some families only stick around for the 30 second ring presentation and two hour photography session other moms dads and extended family members make ring day a weekend-long celebration and commemorate their childs accomplishments by getting absolutely trashed on northgate one mother was caught attempting to use a fake id at mama sake on saturday night eyewitnesses report that the woman described as caucasian with shoulder-length blonde/gray hair and a petite build was stopped at the door of the bar upon presenting her drivers license to the bouncer the bouncer began questioning the clearly middle-aged mom as to why she was in possession of a 22 year olds identification card the woman confirmed to be karen dickerson class of 1989 started arguing with the mama sake staff what are you talking about this is me! i look mature for my age she slurred while stumbling into various other sake patrons still waiting to get inside of course nearby law enforcement immediately stepped in to mitigate the tense situation dickerson was escorted from the premises for suspected public intoxication and her fake id was confiscated a few bystanders were available for a statement after the incident some moms just wanna feel younger i guess but she mustve had a pretty pathetic fake for sake to catch it said karl lacherbachen a performance studies masters student a college station police department spokesman said the department regularly deals with fraudulent forms of identification but could not recall a time in which someone used a fake id to appear younger than they actually are were proud of how our team handled this said sharon mackrell chief of police its easy to let down your guard on nights when most of the northgate patrons are in their 40s and 50s but this situation reminded us how important it is to remain focused on our duty mackrell also mentioned that college station police are planning to implement a 3-part identification check for any patrons who order drinks on northgate those wishing to consume alcohol will be required to present an id birth certificate and passport dickersons daughter randi declined to comment and has yet to post about ring weekend on social media but we can only imagine her embarrassment squatbucks

senior management major john francis could not have been more excited to receive his aggie ring on fridays ring day although he cannot avert his loving gaze from his new piece of gold francis has found that it is not everything he expected he spent the week before ring day at a career fair networking with companies in hopes of having something to do after college without the power of aggie gold on his right hand however he felt like he had no chance i know i would have gotten more interviews had i just gotten my ring a week earlier said francis everyone knows if you dont have an aggie ring youll be without a job instead of gold shining in the recruiters face it was my 24 gpa after ring day francis was excited to get back in the game of securing his future employment francis sent follow-up emails to the companies he interviewed with and happened to include a few pictures of his new ring there is no way i wont get called back for office interviews said francis i needed to prove that i was a real aggie and not just someone leveraging the school to get a job unfortunately francis never heard back from the companies to which he applied other than rejection emails stating that it was nice meeting him and maybe [their] paths will cross again what a waste said francis you spend all this money trying to differentiate yourself and end up the same as everyone else i guess ill have to find a drawer to put my ring in for safekeeping in case i ever find a use for it through francis trials he did come upon one realization: i think this is really just a sign telling me i need to take a gap year i mean its ridiculous to expect a college student to finish school and just ‘start working i think my parents will understand me living with them for a little longer once they realize that too 12th man bowels

the mugdown sends a journalist headfirst into the world of chi omegas songfest texas a&ms largest philanthropy event only to discover a system built almost entirely on social obligation i walk into the room reserved at the rec for our songfest rehearsal todays agenda: a complete run-through of the mens dance in which college-aged men strut their assets and desperately grasp at rhythmic purity next we will drill the partner dance where two separate groups of paired couples will learn complimentary routines the room is too small for this many people 45 guys and 45 girls crammed into a space designed for yoga or instruction it smells like sweat everyone is dressed in halloween costumes when i learned that my next assignment was an investigation into the world of songfest i had no idea what i might find ive travelled the world reporting for the mugdown and investigated some unforgettable things but nothing ive done draws any parallels to participating in songfest songfest is hosted by the sorority chi omega and the dance competition has been held annually for the past forty years according to the events website: in a high-energy 2 day event nearly 30 student organizations from all over texas a&ms campus compete in songfest to win money for their philanthropies each performance is comprised of two organizations who have chosen to partner up for the songfest season…performers incorporate carefully choreographed dance numbers costumes props music & passionate spirits to create each of their unique performances clearly my experiences investigating human rights abuses at the 4c corps of cadets correctional center or uncovering the universitys efforts to launder money through its qatar campus werent going to be of any use to me on this assignment i was going in blind i was embedded within the virtuous men of aggieland an all-male organization at texas a&m vma is one of the oldest non-greek all-male fraternities at texas a&m and has a work hard play hard reputation when it comes to songfest i became a brother in vma in the months leading up to the competition; i joined them at rehearsals meetings and social events partnered with the virtuous men of aggieland was the sorority chi rho also known for its dedication to songfest chi rho won songfest in 2014 and has been eager to emerge victorious once again this is the weakest shit ive ever seen you need to step up you need to win this lester ohagen is president of virtuous men of aggieland he is dressed as a bike cop complete with a helmet and clear safety glasses that are clearly meant more for a wood shop than practical wear hes pulling it off o hagen addresses the crowd: frankly this isnt that hard five of you were late today six more missed practice yesterday i dont know why none of you give even give a damn about about [our philanthropy] gods reign christian obedience camp! they need us to win in two weeks after all of the hours that our amazing partners have put into this after all the work that went into our [teletubbies-inspired] choreography and after all the hours you have put into practice so far this is the weakest shit ive ever seen you need to step up you need to win this because right now we arent even going to get top three lester ohagen a senior supply chain management major presides over the virtuous men of aggieland as they labor for songfest i am duty-bound to ensure that these men will someday find solace in their exertion inspired by ohagens rousing appeal the vma boys began with renewed vigor it is starting to come together and the soundtrack fades from welcome to the jungle to sorry the dance teams transition from the last partner dance a scene in which the teletubbies fight the tubby custard machine to the finale of their performance where the baby-faced sun a widely-respected fifth year senior sets and finally goes to bed there is much discussion about facials if the judges can see you counting with your lips points get deducted instructs chi rhos dance leader sady santa-cruz we put on our best game faces upon the conclusion of rehearsal leadership from vma and chi rho distribute t-shirts to the participants we hit 100%! shouts santa-cruz the group that reaches full shirt-sales are awarded the opportunity to select their position in the performance lineup no group who started in the first half of the performance has ever seen victory songfest is the largest annual philanthropic event on texas a&ms campus but just how big is it the statistics behind songfest are mind numbing: nearly 7 500 tickets are sold across three performances 4 000 t-shirts and 28 organizations yet that pales in comparison to the sheer amount of labor contributed by dancers lets break it down: top tier competitors typically put in about three hours a week for six weeks followed by two 15-hour weeks of run-throughs leading up to the shows this combined with the 12 hours devoted to actually warming up and performing comes out to nearly 60 total hours for the most committed organizations assuming not every group is rehearsing as much as vma i am sticking to a more conservative estimate of 40 hours per competitor: each organization enlists 45 members to spend their weeks rehearsing… …and there are 28 groups represented across 14 teams the result is over 50 400 hours of labor dedicated to songfest i failed my accounting 327 test junior finance major lincoln applegate says to me lincoln is a member of vma another one of my new brothers were at logies its 1:15 am after a fun thursday night and everyone is hammered i asked lincoln what happened i couldnt get in the study time i needed i already had to miss a practice for a doctors appointment and we just werent able to nail the flip so i couldnt miss another one an impressive physical trick a guy flipping a girl in some way separates the wheat from the chaff in the judges scoring one chi rho sister dislocated her shoulder last week while practicing the maneuver and is going to have surgery in december stephanie emili dislocated her shoulder practicing her songfest routine but is deferring her surgery until after the final performance the rigorous boot camp-like training over the past two weeks has been unbelievably taxing on everyone in order to persevere ive had to build strong relationships with otherwise distant members of vma their primary responsibility up to this point is just driving the older guys around and now we get to see if they can pull us over the finish line lincoln is just one of many guys who ive actually gotten to know as a result of this process though it took a while he landed his trick for the first time this week as a result of the competition various organizations are granted massive glorious checks to present to their various philanthropies amounts vary annually depending on how much is raised but nearly $70 000 is set aside initially for chi omega to donate to their national and local philanthropy and the remaining funds are split among participating organizations an act that places will typically earn an additional $1 000–$3 000 to split most organizations can labor for nearly 1 800 hours to net a mere $365 dollars extra for their philanthropies yet to achieve these results acts have to devote not only time but money a dancer buys at least one official songfest t-shirt typically more he or she then has to purchase a costume in our case a teletubbies hat costs $20 a head a colored t-shirt from a bulk order costs $4 and the correct colored shorts cost a final $10 not to mention that each participant was asked to come with good socks my dance partner and iin fact our entire quadrant from the partner danceare performing as the telebubbies character poe i already have the red shirt bright red socks on amazon came out to $989 though i was able to split it with a few other partners it is difficult to find raw data on the subject but a poll of my peers in other organizations such as the texas a&m hawaiian shirts club and aggie sisters in service yield similar results each dancer spends an average of $30 just to make themselves look the part for the performance but does this spending turn into meaningful contributions to philanthropies when we zoom out these contributions do not create truly meaningful impacts for their organizations the best possible outcome is victory: the group (a pair of two organizations) that takes first place is awarded $8 000 for the philanthropic organizations the two organizations represent the $8 000 is then split in half among the two partnered student organizations for disbursement to the philanthropy after an estimated average cost of $2 135 dollars a student organization who wins songfest nearly doubles their money not a bad return on investment but the returns immediately collapse beginning as early as second place most organizations can labor for nearly 1 800 hours to net a mere $365 dollars extra for their philanthropies during my time with the virtuous men of aggieland i have spent nearly sixty hours on songfest meaning i have allocated more time to our performance than ive spent in two of my 3-hour courses combined these organizations earn roughly $020 per hour each person works comparable to child labor wages in pakistan and india i set out on a mission to learn what went on in the thicket of the songfest world but after all the monetary costs gruelling rehearsals and even a serious injury i see how one can get so wrapped up in the competition that they lose sight of what is really happening throughout my time with the virtuous men of aggieland i felt investedi felt that maybe this is all worth it i find myself explaining away all that weve suffered simply because frankly im proud of our choreographed dance especially the one in which noo noo the vacuum cleaner performs a double flip over me and my partner i find myself explaining away all that weve suffered simply because frankly im proud of our choreographed dance the reason lincoln gave up an a in accounting 327 the reason why stephanie tore her shoulder the reason why vma spent more than $2 000 on costumes and the reason why i am here is pretty simple: social obligation on a quest for greater glory we show up to support our friends behind the façade of philanthropy we show up to feel good we may not even mind the true cost of songfest howdy boo boo is a reporter for the mugdown and will be performing alongside the virtuous men of aggieland and chi rho at songfest performances will occur on november 17th and 18th 2017 howdy boo boo & north by northgate

across the quad lads for commandant and university said fish junger before blowing the whistle on his lanyard twelve freshmen ran across the quad under fire from the possibility of having to salute bulls and greet upperclassmen the first four fell where they stood brought down by shin splints another three collapsed when the unit was ambushed by several pissheads coming out of quadbucks the remaining fish stumbled across the arches having survived the charge over no mans land it was a story replayed every hour for the past several months as the fish waited for the corps brass offensive to start every year the fish class partakes in a two-week-long blitz at the end of november that brings them to the limit of physical exhaustion and initiates them as members of the corps this tradition is the focal point for bringing together any fish class and forming a lifelong bond that every former member of the corps remembers however due to freshmen attrition the past few months this event has been the latest to face the chopping block this years fish class had no idea of the horror that waited for them on the quad out of necessity i must cancel the corps brass offensive said commandant joe ramirez in order to remain the guardians of tradition we must sacrifice one of our most honored nothing we do seems to be increasing the survivability of freshmen not even changing the uniforms to better match the winter terrain if we go through with the current plan for corps brass we just might lose them all in the past individual outfits gave up their little t traditions to help improve the semesters retention with nothing left for the office of the commandant to take away other than removing what little purpose upperclassmen have left attrition has yet to decrease frankly i am surprised we have the numbers that we do now; the corps has never seen attrition like this said cadet commander brad sauer every year we take more traditions away and every year more freshmen quit at this rate i have no idea who will be left to protect and preserve traditions on this campus though the corps is comprised of four levels all the focus is on the freshmen class issues that plague upperclassmen have been ignored in light of the devastation bringing the newest generation to ruin these same cadets no longer have the power to train the freshmen to a level that would allow them to survive the horrors they face in cadet life as a result of the losses with the corps brass offensive cancelled many question if the corps will be able to continue keeping the spirit most say that the end of this tradition will be the end of all tradition – netflix and drill

pups for pals a texas a&m organization that provides volunteers to train service dogs announced this week that the phrase please give me dirty looks! i havent earned kindness! will be sewn into the right side of dogs vests the updated vests to be instated in january will address concerns of the organizations trainers especially concerns about the universitys student population president of pups for pals mariella abarca-catalan a senior animal science major said that the organization is constantly searching for new ways to improve not only their trainers but the trainees as well this particular change addresses the need for consistency in training if all they get is smiles then all theyre going to want is smiles head scratches and candy said abarca-catalan they need to know that what they signed up for isnt happy all the time in fact its never happy its a job 24/7 but that was their choice proponents of the new addition claim that the university as a whole would benefit from the changes to the vest a spokesperson for texas a&ms mascot reveille has publicly given approval for the changes the spokesperson claimed that while reveille was supportive of all fellow canines she would not object to more concentrated amounts of love jez albertson junior biomedical sciences major is interested in how these changes will bring energy to the universitys student population albertson believes that smiling at passing service dogs drains students of essential serotonin levels there is only so much kindness to go around albertson said molly kita a senior poultry science major and vice-president of pups for pals is a self-described advocate for this change it is important that everyone knows their roles said kita trainers are in charge of not only the dog but the people as well a smile is like a gateway drug for a dog; if they get a taste of the high theyre just going to start spiraling out of control blue baker

early monday morning senior religious studies major ignatius loyola announced the intent of the texas a&m catholic community to hold a referendum to officially secede from the christian bubble and form an independent catholic bubble calls for an independent catholic bubble reached a fever pitch this year after impact reportedly asked catholic staff members to either comply with impacts statement of beliefs which differs significantly from catholic beliefs or to leave loyola cited several key disparities between aggie catholics and the primarily protestant christian bubble as irreconcilable differences that have been driving the two groups apart for years these differences include the understanding of salvation transubstantiation in the eucharist and the idea that catholics at a&m are simply more fun genuine and accepting than the rest of the bubble i know were all christians but man some of the protestants in this town are just the worst said loyola have you ever tried to go to those ‘non-denominational baptist churches with the really edgy names if youre not part of the bubble or if youre catholic its as lonely as walking into a new school when youre a kid but it lasts forever another driver of the secession movement according to loyola is an overwhelming desire from catholics to end association with the same condescending piety that is often ascribed to other areas of the christian bubble when we say ‘youre welcome here and we want to get to know you at least we mean it said loyola other parts of the christian bubble are all talk and no substance and that just doesnt define our community christian bubble leadership alarmed by this development announced that the christian bubbles shock-troops byx bca and amc have surrounded st marys and are prepared to take control should the catholics take steps towards independence an anonymous bca contact cited the strategic importance of st marys as the primary reason the catholics need to stay in the fold st marys and a&m united methodist are the most important strongholds in northgate and we need to control their parking lots said the source we like drinking just as much as normal people but we cant afford for bca cars to be seen mixing with the drunks st marys parking is the perfect mix of distance and discrepancy for us despite repeated warnings from christian bubble leadership loyola plans to move forward with the referendum the movement is being carefully monitored by other religious organizations including the jewish federation and atheist alliance the christians are so strong that we need to exploit any weaknesses to gain footing in this town said atheist alliance czar matthew broadshanks if the catholics break off well be ready to capitalize on the chaos fish daddy

boot investing the act of buying stock in a freshman cadet early on so that one may reap the benefits of senior boots in the future has spread in popularity as a new practice for catching male cadets for years bootchasers have roamed the quad desperately searching for a senior cadet with whom they could settle down; however with this new method many have found success in their investment ventures and have earned the ultimate return on investment: an engagement ring an alternative to the typical act of bootchasing boot investing has proven to be a less risky expenditure as male freshmen cadets are much easier to tie down and manipulate than seniors recently-engaged senior and known boot investor jessica pedersen took the necessary steps in order to secure her future as a freshman pedersen spent her first few weeks on campus with cadets scanning the market for one worthy of acquisition the real secret is offering them charity; fish just want to be taken care of said pederson thats how you close the deal when i told him he could do his laundry at my apartment i knew he was mine im also way classier than those bootchasers ive been here since the beginning low quarters and all those tramps just sit in quadbucks and objectify senior cadets on instagram opinions regarding this new trend vary among cadets those in favor like the idea of their future spouse investing in their future and supporting them throughout all four years of college and the corps however other cadets see boot investing as cunning and manipulative its all a scam! said ian richland a junior cadet in company e-2 im so glad my girlfriend isnt doing this or else i wouldnt be proposing to her next fall we met at fish camp and have been dating ever since shes the furthest thing from a boot investor though the investment markets have been sluggish due to poor performance in the football sector and devaluation of first deck tickets they are speculated to recover with corps outfits planning events for the upcoming holiday season it is estimated the male cadet market will reach an all-time high peaking at holiday on the quad before leveling out at start of the spring semester lil event

the culinary scene in college station has been forever altered after the introduction of a local cooking personality gorden speer has become the de facto authority on cooking after managing to actually feed himself real food for once speer rose to stardom in the kitchen last week after preparing spaghetti for his roommates speer took a culinary risk to deviate from the crunchwrap supremes and frozen hungry man dinners fueling the apartment after an over-cluttered freezer and day-drinking binge prevented him from obtaining his usual means of sustenance speer found noodles and a jar of sauce in the back of the pantry speer was more than happy to share what brought him to uncover this hidden ability with literally anyone he met when i found the ingredients in the pantry something within me clicked and i knew what i had to do said speer a junior mathematics major since that very first dish i just cant stop cooking i have prepared oven chicken breast tacos and chili for my roommates since uncovering this talent speers roommates are not so sure of his triple threat capabilities in the kitchen however with hungry man being replaced by hamburger helper and ricearoni the quality of food hasnt increased by much he just uses hamburger helper and thinks hes some kind of chef said kyle ellison a member of the household he makes the most basic dishes and then touts that he is the next bobby flay speer has reportedly started looking for ways to monetize his new hobby outside of his home ive thought about trying to sell either a cookbook or start some type of cooking show said speer americas next top collegiate chef maybe i can market my own crock pot or cutting board line for college students i think i definitely have the talent for that kind of following speer was last seen trying to expand his cooking abilities beyond something a high schooler could prepare his last facebook status let the eager community know that he was attempting an original chicken quesadilla recipe which would soon be available on his fan page – netflix & drill

saying he likely will not show up junior political science major mark shelly told reporters friday he does not want to go to your thing this announcement followed a long series of social media notifications text message conversations and polite reminders in casual conversation the news of shellys disinterest adds to the long list of rejected invitations historically these friends have been to one maybe two of your things and it does not seem likely that this historic precedent will be undone with your latest event studies show that at time of press approximately 57 percent of the people who committed to attending that thing on friday have already found an excuse to not go friends cited various reasons for not being able to show u including starting a nap that will definitely extend past the start of your thing and vague references to already having plans i already got invited to three dunks that night said oscar buskirk the sort of friend who you would likely be excited to see in person but with whom you would quickly run out of conversation topics many facebook friends were reported to have actually clicked on the notification and briefly read the description before clicking ignore though most respondents said the event looked like a nice experience for a noble cause or just sheer fun sources sources familiar with the matter reported a sense of surprise that such an inconvenient time was chosen several brave outsiders even chose to entirely ignore the invitation postponing their decision to not attend until a few minutes before the event formally begins when is the next one going to be asked sophomore kelly bennison who has no intention of attending any of your future events ive really been meaning to go! said the flat-out liar who is never ever going to be at one of your things at press time most of the people who are not going to your thing promised to themselves to make half-hearted attempts at apologies the next time they saw you however the mugdown has been unable to confirm any legitimate effort on their part howdy boo boo

last semester the texas a&m student body found out that their very own university has been trying to crack down on cheaters and neer-do-wells by surveilling them through laptop webcams after learning about the university hacking into their computers and spying on them many students have been fighting back to help protect their privacy with little money and a whole lot of creativity college students have been using new state-of-the-art technology to block a&ms signal to their webcams there are rebels in every class and study area because of how popular this new tactic has become sticky notes the unsung heroes of the movement towards internet security have been spotted on almost every laptop on campus belonging to those with the courage to stand up against the man i think that this is the best way to keep our private life private said rebecca flemington a junior business major i mean nobody wants to be looked at when they are studying in the library or taking notes in class my face is personal and i dont want anyone to see it there has been a lot of outrage about security in the past several months and flemington claims that if everyone were to put a sticky note over their computer cameras then nobody would be able to spy on average rule following students despite its simplicity millions of dollars and countless hours of surveillance research are rendered useless by sticky notes there is nothing we can do about it; the university can no longer spy on students if they have sticky notes over their webcams said michael rogers director of the texas a&m honor council we catch so many cheaters and liars by spying on these kids but now we have to send actual agents to sit in on lectures to do surveillance most students are concerned with people looking at their faces 24/7 and sticky notes seem to do the trick the movement was avalanched into effect by local whistleblower eddie winters who was also concerned with the university looking at his face without his permission winters used to work for the honor council and when he found out about a&m spying on students he blew the lid off of the project and defected to baylor the main problem students have with the university spying on them is that they do not believe a&m has been taking proper security measures to protect their technology i know that sooner or later they will have a breach and every pervert on campus will be able to hack my computer and see my face through my own camera claims flemington when asked why she doesnt have sticky notes on her iphones front and rear facing camera flemington ignored the question while putting a snapchat video on her story whoop-tang clan

last thursday college station resident dorothy madders spoke at the college station city council meeting demanding a second big event for the fall semester despite the big event being a texas a&m university committee many locals have complained that students partying during aggie gameday weekends has resulted in lots of beer cans trash and bottles in their residential neighborhoods the amount of garbage i have to pick up from my yard on sunday mornings is too damn high! said madders to the council we need these students to do the big event in the fall in addition to the spring! madders provided exhibits a and b (below) as evidence of her call to action: exhibit a exhibit b university students have expressed a negative reaction to a 2nd big event i already have to sacrifice one of my mornings in the spring what makes the old people think i want to clean up after myself in the fall said candy mcdonald a junior ag economics major since 1982 the big event has been a way for the student body of texas a&m to say thank you to the residents of bryan/college station back then one annual big event was enough to satisfy the bryan/college station residents from the burden left behind by a student population of 35 000 now with the number of students nearly doubled b/cs locals find it only fair that the number of big events get doubled too it doesnt help that the football team has been so bad recently said jim burgandy a bryan resident and supporter of madders initiative it has been theorized that poor football performance over recent years has increased student alcohol consumption and house parties in order to cope with defeat a survey conducted at the historic district found that over time the worse the aggie football team has performed the more beer can trash per yard in the historic district has occured: *2017 number of wins estimated by mugdown analytics per madders proposal to the city council the second big event would take place next saturdayarguably too short of a time period to cover all logistics when madders was asked why such a short turnaround she commented i need these students to also hurry up and repaint my porch before it gets too cold to enjoy! good bullogna

it was recently uncovered that texas a&m officials and professors have been using construction science students for free labor with high construction costs a concern for this perpetually growing campus staff of the university attempted to decrease costs by exploiting students many of the students did not realize that they were the subjects of unfair work treatment i did think it was weird that my class requirements changed to five labs per semester said reginald dobsley a junior construction science student this abuse began before the rec center was under construction since then students have spent countless hours at work sites for the commons the quad and the new on-campus hotel my professor told me that i was getting hands-on experience and it would help me get an internship but the twelve hour workdays have really wiped me out said dobsley as if the offense was not blatant enough the construction science department required upper level students to serve their internship within the confines of texas a&ms campus these students are to thank for many of the newest and most desired establishments like the white creek apartments even freshmen had to survey campus before being allowed to register for classes after dozens of mysterious injuries to students local authorities discovered the free labor texas a&m was exploiting from its own students instead of paying students for their time their tuition was increased to compensate professors who stayed quiet about the ordeal the only thing provided to students on site was maroon kool-aid texas a&m officials have not responded with a comment on the matter koldus & cream

an undue burden was placed on local student ash foucault after being forced to spend part of his wednesday night at a scholarship banquet foucault a senior supply chain major was required to attend the two hour event during his regularly scheduled netflix binge the recipient of a departmental scholarship foucault must attend a yearly scholarship banquet as part of the terms of receiving the award dont get me wrong the dinner is usually pretty good and meeting my scholarship donor is great too said foucault its just dont they know i have better things to do with my time i wrote my donor a letter isnt that enough foucault is not alone in his complaints as many students feel the same way many scholarship banquets are intentionally scheduled early in the semester or in between rounds of exams to maximize the amount of damage they can do to students schedules most students rely on those periods for peak netflix binges guilt-free napping or scheduled blackouts on northgate other students were convinced that the banquets are more for the benefit of the donors rather than to recognize those receiving the scholarship isnt a&m famous for schmoozing its donors or something like that said randall iota a junior english major this is all part of chancellor sharps plan or something i mean the money spent recognizing students could easily go into awarding an additional scholarship the departments responsible for the waste of finances have yet to come forward to apologize for the perceived abuse of funds though the banquet is part of the agreement when the scholarship is accepted students are still fighting for their right to minimize their gratitude towards people easing their financial burden while at school i dont hastily rewrite my scholarship thank you letter from the last semester for nothing said foucault – netflix and drill

tensions have been growing among faculty members at texas a&m after a student made a reckless mistake this week while addressing her teacher freshman accounting major jamie walsh found herself in an uncomfortable situation after she sent an email to her acct 229 lecturer that began dear professor shaw walsh completely disregarded the fact that her teacher was not at all a professor but simply a lecturer the mistake shook the academic community as professors began to realize students could not even distinguish the difference between someone with a phd and a masters degree i thought it was what teachers were called in college said walsh like how you start calling tests ‘exams after high school while lecturers were mostly unharmed by the incident professors have felt especially wounded and have banded together to fight the impending plague of ignorance spreading around campus some professors have proposed a mandatory training for students before each semester to help aid in the understanding of different jobs in academia lecturers on the other hand have begun lobbying for pay raises since students cannot differentiate between the two job positions it is completely asinine that student think we are just teachers said dr chuck bannon an accounting professor theres a reason i make four times the salary of a lecturer at a&m and i can assure you it is not because of my teaching dr bannon seeks to help students understand that teaching is just a side-gig for professors when they arent busy researching topics that have absolutely no relevance outside of academia following the incident some enlightened students have started to ask if professors should be allowed to teach at all maybe they should focus on research said james campbell a junior engineering major now that i look back i never had a good teacher that was a professor i just didnt realize there was a common denominator until now the university issued an official statement reminding students that texas a&m university is a top-tier research institute and that professors are the reason the university ranks where it does today from all the chaos that has erupted from the email some optimists have mentioned that maybe it was finally time we as a university had this discussion 12th man bowels

kyle erikson a senior marketing major has claimed for years that he is one of the worst at learning names and can only identify people by face the issue has gotten so bad that when someone tells him their name erikson immediately forgets it and has to ask at least two more times for it to stick in his head during a five minute conversation honestly i dont even know how i remember my own name sometimes said erikson the problem has been growing and spreading around campus as many students are forgetting others names as soon as they hear them scientists cannot explain why this phenomenon occurs but they assume it has some kind of evolutionary benefit that has become obsolete in todays day and age ideas have been tossed around about why names are so easy to forget and erikson seems to think he knows what is going on the problem lies within you have to actually try to learn peoples names and i have been giving less than no effort at all said erikson many students are shocked that the cause of their inability to remember others names is their lack of effort and not in fact a genetic disorder despite the fact that erikson openly admits to actively not trying to learn names many students are ignoring his claim altogether some believe that it has something to do with how the brain works others believe that stress causes short-term memory loss the most widely accepted theory is that being involved with too many organizations as well as studying for tests and doing homework causes a brain dump that affects the way the mind processes normal information regardless of what people believe almost nobody seems to think they have control over their ability to learn names erikson has been getting better at learning names and has attributed his success to the fact that he has started to actually listen to people when they talk many students at a&m who are great listeners and are bad at learning names beg to differ whoop-tang clan

every year new freshmen come to college station to attend texas a&m often they have friends who end up in the desolate wasteland of bryan at the institution colloquially know as blinndergarten i want to preface this by saying i am extremely smart said ben novak freshman communication major when commenting on his status as a texas a&m student novak leader of a new movement that seeks to put blinn students in their place believes that his test-taking skills and his high school leadership experience helped him stand out when applying to texas a&m and that his friends who attend blinn simply do not have the same abilities there is a clear divide between me and my friends that ‘decided to go to blinn said novak they are lazy and stupid but usually blame it on ‘saving money or something like that many blinn students live in fear of people like novak and his followers as they try to participate in activities around college station blinn freshman lany svoboda excited to finally attend midnight yell with her friends found herself being chastised by a member of novaks regime the whole time i was there this guy was yelling at me saying i didnt deserve to participate the traditions reserved for his school said svoboda i planned on transferring to mays business school next fall but im not sure i want to be part of such a cruel student body even outside of a&m events blinn students have become victims of the tamu supremacists one blinn sophomore was dancing at harrys with a tamu student and when he found out she was a blinn student he intentionally dropped her during a dip and then hurried away while the university has tried to improve relations with students at blinn many tamu students still refuse the idea of someday sitting in a classroom with a former blinn student i understand that some blinn students will eventually transfer to a&m but i will not count them as real aggies sports pass or not said novak for the time being blinn students will just have to stay under the radar while they work hard to be successful 12th man bowels

fuego tortilla grill a taco shop founded in college station has been steadily expanding and acquiring new territory outside of the bryan–college station area staking claims in waco and san marcos fuego is establishing itself as a taco staple among texas college students hoping to someday join the ranks of torchys and fuzzys however the bold move of acquiring the pizza hut at the intersection of texas and university has turned the heads of competing taco shops revolutionizing their respective marketing strategies we acquired the pizza hut earlier this year said peter schwarz regional manager for fuego i originally thought we could convert it into a second shop but we scratched that idea and realized it would be more useful for parking we had sources telling us that mad taco was eyeing the property so we ultimately had to stake our claim the conversion of the pizza hut occurred almost overnight with the relatively small installation of a fuego: additional parking sign and the fading smell of cold pizza surrounding the building other taco shops in the bcs area are scrambling to combat fuegos move attempting to assert dominance in their respective territories torchys within walking distance of main campus continues to feel threatened by fuegos aggressive tactics our next step would be to acquire laynes on texas but upper management is worried about the community backlash said torchys representative liv margo texas a&m students live for those greasy laynes fingers and fries weve made an offer to raising canes so well see how that pans out tucked away on southwest parkway about three miles from campus fuzzys taco shop has the least strategic location of the competing establishments far from the foot traffic of vehicle-less freshmen fuzzys has begun staking out the chipotle on northgate fuzzys recently converted a four-by-four foot square of grass on chipotles property into a makeshift taco stand selling tacos from 10pm-1am during chipotles hours of closing chipotle has yet to retaliate but the empowered burrito giant has the corporate man-power to overtake all of fuzzys bcs territory within a matter of hours buffalo wild wags

the texas a&m student senate has been torn by partisanship in the past much like the actual federal government legislators tend to disagree with each other creating a more perfect union through a diversity of opinion yet in its most recent legislative session the organization has begun to actually pass bipartisan bills these stellar agreements include pacts to have fewer typos in their bills to remind themselves not to consume alcohol before or during meetings and even finally asking senators to take a sexual assault training like every other student on campus however it doesnt appear the leadership is ready to take an obvious step that this community needs: distancing itself from nicholas cages character in national treasure and national treasure ii the aggie honor code is very explicit an aggie does not lie cheat or steal or tolerate those who do and what did american history buff and treasure hunter benjamin franklin gates do steal the declaration of independence we cannot tolerate him im not trying to imply that he didnt have good reason ian howe (played by sean bean) clearly betrayed gates who has a quasi-legitimate claim to the treasure buried by our nations founding fathers i mean gates descends from a long line of code breakers and treasure hunters who have been seeking the answer from clues lying in plain sight for generations but does that justify blatant theft of one of the most significant documents in american history its clear that gates has a strong presence in pop culture take a second to stop reading this column and ask your neighbor whether or not they like national treasure the vast majority of them will say yes i love nicholas cage he is the real national treasure get it but this columnist most certainly does not get it stealing is not an aggie value we are a university guided by our traditions clear indicators that define right and wrong so when is student senate going to finally rid this campus of its moral decay and distance itself from ben gates for the sake of rick perrys legacy lets hope it is sooner rather than later howdy boo boo

its late too late you knew that this was a bad idea but then again your roommate said it was too and would it really be wrong of you to stay out late purely to let them know that they arent in charge of you i mean honestly you two arent family or friends and theyre overstepping boundaries just like they always alright dont get carried away keep your ears and eyelids open walking to lot 100 from west campus library probably wasnt your smartest idea but hey neither was signing up for an overcrowded parking lot youre not exactly the brightest light bulb in the box are you thats why it took you a while to see it lurking just behind the edge of your shadow you smell it firstthe exhaust you look down at your phone cracked and dying and see the light from the monster underneath your adidas superstars that you definitely got before everybody else you turn around half-expecting someone to be stalking you knife in hand luckily its just the bus another bus follows ah yes the reason you got a parking pass in the first place you werent going back into that place again not if you could help it the sweaty bodies pressed together like bad deli meat the stench that made the world spin with nausea the sudden stops to remind you just how trapped you are like a child shaking a fishbowlall of it was nightmarish when caught between the idea of a serial murderer stalking you to your car in the early hours of the morning and riding the bus you decided to take your chances with the zodiac killers of the world something is odd about that bus though the all-too-familiar script is glowing at the top of it but theres no one inside even the bus driver himself is just a shadow buses usually only say that when its too full to carry other passengers… whatever its not your problem anymore you have a parking passan awful one thats consistently causing you to put your life in danger as you dart across traffic-heavy streets and walk alone on worn sidewalksbut a parking pass nonetheless you wonder whats happening on aggie twitter today you open up twitter i always knew you were a bad idea i just never thought you would be one so soon you close twitter youre not really in the mood for jennifers melodrama right now theres no point in scaring yourself more with the idea that shell probably settle down before you with some guy that she met on tinder no shame on jennifer youre happy for her but really before you seriously stop getting sidetracked kleberg looms over you haunted with dead dreams and the corpses of too many crickets to count your car is somewhere behind reed with a spot that you somehow nabbed yesterday by following a random girl slowly as she walked to her own car oh i guess thats how that feels you push aside the empathy its a dog-eat-dog world in lot 100 thats the risk she took when she got the pass just like the risk youre taking now is it worth it you wonder that until your fingers curl around the handle of the car you throw in your backpack noticing a familiar yellow light creep around your shoulders a quick glance is all youll give it another bus empty it is two in the morning you think its not like the buses would be crowded wait should the buses even be running you promptly decide its not your problem slip into the drivers seat and blast music on your way out of the lot in a pure attempt to keep you awake the streets are relatively clear with the few exceptions of blinding police lights and the odd ford escape just a five minute drive to the apartment then you can throw your backpack to the kitchen floor look up at the stacked sink give it the good ole double bird and stomp towards your room five minutes the first three minutes are fine the temptation to drift is strong but you somehow keep the cloudiness out of your vision then light blinds you you think its another car with their brights on but in your rearview you see a bus roll onwards maybe this is a&ms response to all the hate theyve been getting about the buses you think fine! you want buses! ill give you buses! you keep driving a&ms problems arent any of your business not much longer until youre free to find your own future youre not quite sure what the future entails whether or not youll have a job or kids but in that moment you make an odd sort of peace with the uncertainty youll be okay just not now home is just 30 feet away now you park in the closet spot you can manage staring at the door you can almost hear your bed calling to you with a soft siren song its an awful mattress but its yours not even your roommate can take that away from you you make the first step towards it backpack strapped when you feel it the hot air the lights flick on leaving the last silhouette youll ever see the engine revs its behind you waiting you sprint towards the door youre praying like timothy ateek taught you for once you are hoping that your roommate left the door unlocked the bus lurches forward wheels screeching you hit the door reaching for the handle please you think its hopeless the light is all you can see now your hand drops from the knob you fall when you wake up youre hanging hands wrapped around the metal bars used in an attempt to steady people your feet hang your backpack nestled between where they ought to be standing from the drivers seat a gloved hand emerges from the shadows giving you a slight wave you want to scream but you cant your roommate doesnt report you as missing for a couple of days and they only do it because their girlfriend insists that theyll be the first suspect if they dont she watches criminal minds so shes always been a self-proclaimed expert youre still on the bus even now the driver doesnt talk just occasionally waves back at you now only one question hangs in your mind yes another bus does follow but what is it following blue biker

today on campus students were in uproar over the new elect him campaign sponsored by the mens resource center students were visibly upset and denounced the new group as sexist saying that it put other groups on campus at a disadvantage other students thought it was fair that the organization focused on serving a group that is a minority on college campuses nationwide discussion among students over the campaign became increasingly heated as both sides would prefer to talk over each other rather than discuss the issue the scene of the protest grew intense as dozens of counter-protesters arrived to defend the elect him campaign on campus protesters of the movement saw the campaign as unfair and divisive since it focused on a group in terms of their gender men already make up the majority of people in government and dont need a system of support that caters to them said rachel deckard a junior political science major this is a campaign that affects both men and women; we dont need another organization focused on what men want other protesters saw this as a slippery slope that would inspire a wave of mens-only interest groups to form whats next making mental health a mens issue said juliann sturgeon a senior english major what does it matter if men in college are more likely to be depressed or four four times more likely to commit suicide the discussion should focus on how it affects everyone not a particular group sturgeon left the protest to go banner hold for step in and step up an issue personal to her since it overwhelmingly affects college-aged women a number of the counter-protesters were confused that a protest was even going on since the campus celebrates having a number of special interest groups for other parties i really dont get why we are even having this discussion said wilbur charlotte a sophomore psychology major nobody has ever protested these groups before as being divisive or exclusive young men in college face a number of issues and reactions like this discourage men from opening up about it though few in number the counter-protestors argued with particular passion realizing that if they did not no one else would speak on their behalf – netflix and drill

flying in the face of social convention a group of absolutely outrageous friends drove to whataburger at 2:11 am early friday morning the five daredevils boldly pushed aside their normal eating habits to make memories with their besties on a trip that members of the group described as totally insane whataburger employees were reportedly stunned to see the young customers ready to order at such a quirky and unusual time were open 24 hours of course said one employee but we never expected that college students with unstable sleep schedules would purchase cheap greasy food this late witness accounts reported the group loudly joking with each other throughout the ordering process after finishing their orders and emphasizing their desire for as much spicy ketchup as yall have the free-spirited thrill-seekers practically jumped into a corner booth to continue their public display of radical individualism ashleigh conway was one of the five adventurers present we were all up doing homework when jorge asked the groupme if we were down for a whataburger run said conway i hesitated but then i remembered what my favorite high school teacher told me: carpe diem ‘seize the day conway and her friends decided that there was no better way to seize the day than to succumb to the influence of a corporate fast-food chains meticulously crafted marketing materials the eccentric group eventually shoved the last remnants of their salt-coated processed foodstuffs down their throats before making a fittingly noisy exit at press time each group member was quietly lying in their respective beds and bragging on instagram about their exploits before resting for more wild experiences to come – hullakazoo

conventional wisdom claims that anyone who eats alone at any point in his or her life is absolutely lonely and has no capacity for relationships while this principle has proved to be true in high school cafeterias nationwide a new study seems to suggest this traditional thinking may not apply in college researchers recently chose texas a&m university as the subject of a new study which hypothesized that college students eating alone might not be lonely at all the study chose three popular dining facilities on campus: sbisa msc cafeteria and ag cafe sociologists surveyed students sitting in groups and students sitting alone to measure the level of life satisfaction from these individuals using students in groups as a control the surveys proved hard to conduct especially when students sat alone said dr donald douglas lead researcher when we approached students sitting alone they would have different excuses for not wanting to talk such as ‘i have a test in 20 minutes or ‘i already have a personal relationship with jesus or even ‘im trying to read at first the researchers thought these excuses were fictional because no one really has a test in 20 minutes and no one reads books for enjoyment anymore however upon further investigation all the excused proved true when the researchers were able to talk to someone sitting alone the participants showed a statistically significant high level of happiness the most shocking finding from the study was that some of the students sitting in groups only did so to make sure they did not seem lonely yeah im only sitting with my fish camp right now because we do this every week said a freshman in the msc cafeteria i dont even like any of these people while the new research was not able to prove causality it did show that there is little to no correlation between sitting alone and being lonely it turns out these student are likely sitting alone for strategic purposes and not because they lack interpersonal skills said douglas apparently you can have friends outside the lunchroom 12th man bowels

starting next week the mcdonalds located at the intersection of george bush drive and wellborn road will begin taking orders from vehicles waiting at the stoplight branch manager nancy hotsauce jones was available to explain the thought process behind their decision we already provide overflow parking for football games so we thought about how else we could work with the local population to serve their needs said jones this was the most obvious choice so we decided to test it out and it was a hit students waiting to cross the intersection can alleviate their crushing boredom with a quarter pounder with cheese or a 20-piece order of chicken mcnuggets after they finish their meal they can even make a second order for a sweet dessert such as an iced mccafé coffee or a tasty fruit parfait news of the decision caused local sandwich shop jimmy johns to reconsider their policy on deliveries to the intersection they too will start a trial period for this new technique delivering fresh subs to captive drivers in order to keep up with the rest of their fast food competition fan post

in a shocking turn of events president michael k young was caught in his office in his true form as the lizard king surprised by his secretary who forget to knock president young was seen on all fours scurrying around his desk with his human skin suit laid haphazardly on the floor president young upon being discovered in his reptilian form reportedly hissed and flicked his tongue at his assistant he always did act strange said marissa alvarez the assistant who outed young as a reptile instead of coffee he requested i bring him worms every morning and anytime i went into his office i found him lounging on a boulder under an industrial-sized heat lamp obviously being the lizard king makes the most logical sense as the news of president youngs lizard status went viral certain campus groups have taken a stand i knew it all along said leonel green founder of the aggie cryptoid society i swear i saw him one night crawling into the steam tunnels i bet thats where the rest of his tribe lives greens position on the steam tunnels seems well-supported as the underground system was preserved during the ongoing campus renovations the shocking discovery of president youngs true nature gives a plausible explanation as to why the steam tunnels were not demolished or repurposed for some other use they always told us the steam tunnels were dangerous but now i know its where the eggs are kept until they are hatched and able to come above ground said green other students say they saw the signs in his communication difficulties president loftin was always giving speeches and visiting with students said imman kant a senior industrial distribution major the fact that most of our interaction with him was through email created a barrier between him and the university now that layer of protection makes sense: it was to avoid detection this morning mr young sent out a campus-wide email with the following message: dear students the future is now and the future is lizard i am the ruler of the underground guardian of my people i am the lizard king i can do anything! lil event

blood-stained concrete and the sounds of metal clashing have become new and permanent features of the renovated quad during outfit activity last week company e-2 introduced dueling using sabers found on the quad in order to rekindle their connection with the spirit of old army their effort to regain some of their reputation as a hard outfit has instead translated to a policy across all outfits giving every unit in the corps a chance to brag about how old army their unit is the actions of the revivalists in e-2 have let cadets defend the honor of their corps unit in person rather than online replacing the traditional pranks and passive aggressive actions saber dueling has become the new norm in settling corps rivalries insult my honor have at thee introduced as a new campusology has become the phrase to initiate a dance of steel beyond memorizing the new campusology freshmen cadets are barred from participating in duels and instead are responsible for cleaning up the resulting blood while popular with cadets at large for resolving conflict both within a unit and against other units not all cadets are happy with the new policy i cant make it across the quad without being forced to duel three or four cadets said brad sauer commander of the cadet corps in his blood-soaked uniform i have to spend hundreds of dollars every month on dry cleaning alone not to mention constantly sharpening my saber the cadet commander and most of corps staff have found themselves frequently under the blade since any policy issued is taken as a direct insult by the average cadet i cant make it fifty freaking feet without some cadet bringing up a personal vendetta against me for some rule the office of the commandant told me to create said sean dixon the corps discipline officer unexpectedly there has been nothing but praise from the office of the commandant over the cadets rekindling of old traditions complaints from parents and cadets alike have been reduced as honor is now held as a sacred value rather than turning to the commandant for every issue that arises cadets are now dealing with their problems themselves colonel hawes of the corps recruiting office has started streaming duels on facebook live to help with recruiting efforts there is now discussion of including a dueling coliseum as part of the ev adams band hall reconstruction project hazed and confused & netflix and drill

breakaway ministries announced today that its weekly traffic jam will be returning to west campus this tuesday night many participants in breakaway cite this traffic as essential to their spiritual development sure i could worship jesus on my own but nothing beats learning to intentionally guard my heart during a frustratingly slow drive out of a parking lot said christian j christos junior business honors major furthermore guidelines released before the event emphasize its relevance to the spiritual development process the official website encourages students to avoid carpooling at all costs and instead utilize every possible parking space in lot 100 breakaway is noteworthy for its unique customs for example there is a well-known tradition of taking unusually long amounts of time at four–way stop signs specifically at the intersections around the corners of reed arena the expectation of biblical kindness causes students to avoid rudeness at all costs and this means waiting a full three seconds to drive forward until after the driver has been given right away other customs include excessive displays of christian beliefs we live in an age of personal branding said freshman engineering major jayden de la rentas if people see you as one thing you are that thing this is why i utilize my breakaway backpack tag every day breakaway ministries is a non-denominational christian traffic jam and usually meets to drive slowly once a week howdy boo boo

bethany salinsky a sophomore political science major completed her first econ 203 exam on thursday october 12th unlike most students in the class salinsky spent two full weeks preparing for the exam making routine visits to the quiet section of evans library with a 40 gpr the last call salinsky wanted to make to her mom was about getting her first b on an exam on the day of the exam salinsky arrived 15 minutes early and tried to engage in conversation with a student shelley witman sitting next to her despite witman frantically flipping through her notes i dont feel prepared said salinsky what did you get for the last problem on test review number 3 witman with a worried sleep-deprived look reportedly replied uhh i dont know i wasnt able to get that far as students began taking the exam salinsky was one of the first to finish she made her way up the stairs of hecc 207 went out the door and immediately opened her notes to see what she may have missed as the rest of the students left the exam salinsky approached witman i couldnt believe it said whitman as i tried to quickly make my way to the starbucks in library this bethany girl tapped me on the shoulder and wanted to talk about the test that test was impossible wasnt it asked salinsky blocking witman from her beeline to starbucks salinsky continued to ramble about how difficult she thought the test was while embedding questions like what did you get for short-answer problem 4 humoring salinsky witman simply smiled and nodded her head throughout the conversation as each day passed salinsky frequently monitored her ecampus account before receiving the notification from the grade icon on the top right of her screen when salinsky opened the page she was horrified what! she said a 98! what two points could i have missed! good bullogna

it was a quiet night on zebra companys deck the sergeant of the days desk was empty and the sound of cadets gently snoring could be heard from the hallway despite the peaceful exterior there were dark forces at work one sophomore richard hardonne lay in his rack fighting a losing battle against the primal urges that commanded him as he lay there tossing and turning one thing was on his mind: fish muffley needed to pay as the clock ticked to 2:00 am hardonne finally made his decision he stood up quietly so as not to wake his sleeping roommate quickly donned his clothes and slipped into the hallway as he stealthily moved down the passageway his mind was focused on all kinds of ways to torment the defenseless freshman these thoughts began to stimulate him in ways he had not experienced since he was a fish as he reached muffleys room he quickly jumped inside and expertly locked the door behind him without making so much as a creak he saw a set of eyes turn towards the source of the light then quickly shut as they saw the muscular frame silhouetted by the sink light muffley get out of bed grunted hardonne he was answered by a dutiful sir aye sir as the freshmans smooth slender body bolted up and stood upright at his bedframe for a few moments hardonne looked the freshman up and down mentally visualizing the ways he would overwhelm the the young mans body get on your face he growled in his very best drill instructor impersonation muffley started bouncing up and down one sir two sir three sir muffley said meekly as his breath began to quicken by the time he reached 50 muffley was visibly tired his skin now moist with perspiration hardonne stood there hiding the emotions growing within the sight of the servile freshman oscillating downwards and upwards aroused something deep within his spirit once the freshmen reached triple digits muffley was not the only one who was visibly sweating the mirrors began to fog up and the ground became slippery with the supple freshmans bodily fluids muffleys hands slipped out from under him as he finally reached the redass 121 on your ass youre doing sit ups commanded hardonne as the feeble being beneath him rolled onto his back with each push upwards the fish slid a few inches forward on the freshly lubricated floor eventually he reached the feet of his upperclassmen hardonne kicked the greased freshmen back across the room leaving a trail of sweat as he slid back on the linoleum youre at monkey humpers whispered hardonne muffley bent down grabbed his ankles and began to violate the imaginary primate that lay on his floor for the next few minutes neither of them said a word as hardonne stood towering above the crouching freshman as muffleys knees began to tremble his domineering pisshead became filled with the power of the aggie spirit hardonne felt the presence of generations of cadets who had made love to phantom apes before him this is what makes a&m truly great he thought tears in his eyes after a quick command to stop hardonne returned to his room a renewed man he had just taken part in the corps of cadets most sacred tradition from the outside looking in there is no way to explain what truly happened in that room however in the words of old rock himself nothing is more beautiful than pisshead a fish and a roomful of sweat hazed and confused

texas a&m reached a major milestone this week when it was ranked as the #1 public university in the country in some bullshit oddly specific metric these rankings placed a&m as the #3 overall university in this meaningless and empty achievement behind two private schools with which you are likely unfamiliar this is a&ms highest ranking ever in this narrowly defined category that required four different modifiers to reach a sub-field specific enough for a&m to be ranked at the top this obscure ranking clearly demonstrates that texas a&m is a uniquely excellent institution said president michael k young it allows the administration to claim that a&m is #1 without having to put in the effort to improve the university in any way that is actually meaningful justifying several years of questionable decisions the mugdown uncovered that the university administration uses unpaid interns to trawl through the internet to look for literally any list that a&m is ranked highly in sometimes this strategy succeeds and sometimes it backfires in august a&m made national headlines for inadvertently publicizing that they were the #1 university in the country in what turned out to be a list of football programs most likely to fire their head coach going forward the student body hopes that texas a&m will continue to provide a top-notch experience in this very narrowly defined category that affects a tiny minority of current students and faculty big brother jed

all bars on northgate have announced that they will begin handing out color-coded bracelets for patrons to display relationship statuses that will help minimize awkward social interactions this is going to be a game changer said frequent northgate patron chad williams i try to only hit on girls that are single but now i can know for sure this way i will only disrespect women who want to be disrespected to help understand this new system the mugdown has released a comprehensive guide to understanding the colors and their respective meanings: red: single and ready to mingle this bracelet will let others know that this guy or girl is looking for a mate no attention is unwelcome when wearing one of these bad boys white: the purest of them all a white bracelet indicates that this bar goer is not interested in a relationship its not a euphemism for rejecting you; he or she is actually just not looking for a relationship black: im in a relationship the patrons wearing black bracelets are completely off limits do not look do not touch do not taste the wearers are in a serious relationship and nothing you do will make them reconsider gray: im in a relationship… wielders of a gray bracelet are technically in a relationship but not necessarily brand loyal present a better alternative and they will happily make the switch at least for tonight rainbow: inquire for details people wearing rainbow bracelets cannot simply define what they are looking for with the color of a bracelet its better not to assume these days so just ask yellow: anything goes while often incorrectly mistaken for a rainbow bracelet wearer the yellow bracelet wearer is just looking for any hedonistic pleasure he or she can find this person is a slippery slope and that is not a fallacy while the new bracelets are not required to get into bars they are strongly encouraged as williams puts it its like how on facebook if a girl doesnt publicly display her relationship status its her fault if i hit on her now it applies to bars as well 12th man bowels

throughout the university texas a&m students whispered rumors to one another about a menacing threat on campus rumors about a machine has an overwhelming majority of students uncertain about the nature of this entity running campus the rumor began as students heard frequent reference towards a machine by students involved in student government it could be some kind of artificial intelligence meant to destroy us said audrey spellman a junior environmental sciences major what right does this object have in dictating my time at texas a&m spellmans concerns were not hers alone as a number of students have grown aggravated over the mysterious force behind the curtains various groups of students began searching for the location of this supposed machine to no avail one group the aggie luddites marched from wehner to the emerging technologies building in an effort to uncover the device the crowd capitalizing on the paranoia swelled to almost 1 000 members during their trek across campus machines have no right to dictate our lives and make decisions affecting our campus said samuel rocking a freshman psychology major my self-determination is my right and human beings should dictate how this campus is run not some robot if we wanted to reshape the culture of campus then we would do it not let some ai decide our fate other students want to go beyond simply protesting and wish to destroy the machines existence a machine cannot dictate morality it cannot craft laws it cannot be redass said jonathan connor a senior electrical engineering major although mankind has pushed the boundaries of technology before it will not happen here the rise of this ‘machine will be stopped connor and his crowd of extremists took the zachry building by force and have begun tearing it apart student body president bobby brooks could not be reached for comment president brooks along with the rest of student government could not be found on campus i heard they were located in the building where i submitted my flo application said jesse glassman a junior english major i think the only thing in koldus is the lobby and the parking garage only time will tell if students are able to locate this machine on campus or if it is just an sga inside joke used more than it ever should be – netflix and drill

the rift between business students and the rest of campus has been growing deeper and deeper in the past couple of years now after watching catalonias attempted secession from spain students from mays business school and the surrounding areas have decided that now is the time for change starting spring 2018 west campus will no longer be a part of the university last weekend west campus held a referendum on whether or not to escape the dull burden that is main campus though the student body held a great variety of opinions on whether or not to leave students opposed to secession lacked the fervor of pro-secession candidates thus almost every vote cast was in favor of secession due to this apathy from non-business majors mays business school has become the new capital of west campus leaving the rest of the territory to wonder how they got bundled up in this mess university officials claim that mays and west campus do not have the resources to stay independent for long however many business students obnoxiously disagree our finance majors ran the numbers and we estimate that without the burden of main campus weighing us down we can survive long enough to become our own public university said brett larson a senior management major larson claims that mays has everything they need to be an independent school and get as far away from main campus as physically possible the logistics of how the new territory would run under autonomous rule were drawn up earlier this week at the top of the hierarchy are the business honors elite they will be the chief executives and board of directors for the newly independent territory funds will be controlled by the finance and accounting majors while they are babysat by the ppa students the management majors will make up the established bureaucracy filing paperwork and constituting the majority of the workforce in order to gain supporters marketing majors will be working around the clock to keep mays image in good standing with students everybody forgot about the supply chain and mis majors so it was awkward at first but we let them be in charge of resources and our it department just to shut them up said larson one of the main problems with trying to secede from main campus is the creation of new boundaries arguments about borders and fencing have caused many violent outbreaks to occur near disputed areas officials have tried to get the department of geology to settle differences about where each side thinks the line should be but many geology students claim thats not what they do at all this has led mays to try and get rid of their responsibility of west campus all together ads from the business school to sublease west campus have appeared on facebook pages and bulletin boards but trying to sublease has proved more difficult than previously thought reports of the university of phoenix taking over the lease have been spreading but nothing has been confirmed yet mays has also been looking to move elsewhere and talk of buying baylors campus has grown since it is virtually worthless at the moment other options include the astroworld parking lot in houston or taking over the texas a&m galveston campus by force whoop-tang clan

this morning jim lovett an equestrian math major at texas a&m picked up a stack of q-drop forms after receiving his first round of exam grades lovett claimed that his professors unintelligible foreign accent was to blame for his subpar test scores the mugdown met up with lovett last night for his comment there was nothing i could do said lovett as he copied and pasted bits of a wikipedia article into ecampus at 11:55pm when the professor started lecturing on the first day of class it was clear that english wasnt his first language i never went back lovett claims that his professors inability to pronounce certain words prevented him from completing a single assignment all semester how am i supposed to learn this material if i cant understand the person whos supposed to teach it to me said lovett as he pushed aside several unopened textbooks that were lying on his desk to make room for a bottle of vodka it was an uphill battle from the start reporters also met with dr heamurla jidmantura an expert in his field and jim lovetts math professor after waiting for jidmatura to finish helping several of his students with their homework he was asked to comment on lovetts accusations i have never seen this person before said jidmantura who promptly returned to helping his students lovett was not completely unashamed though he admits that he might be partially responsible for his poor average in the class i should have switched sections the minute i heard his voice said lovett then maybe i would have learned something this semester lovett submitted his q-drop forms and returned to his normal activity vowing not to make the same mistakes for a fifth semester in a row teenage music gig em turtles

world-renowned experts of the paranormal robert borden and mason kleinfeld are visiting texas a&m university for an indeterminate amount of time to lead the search for the spirit of aggieland borden and kleinfeld are co-creators of hillbillies and hauntings a company that seeks to be valiant on every vanguard while exposing the truth of the world around us as stated on their website the reported ghost is known for its extended arm position in which the letters ‘w-c are formed with its hand the ghost reportedly wears overalls carrying a gun in one hand and wearing a gold ring on the other it is most commonly seen standing beside the statue of e king gill in rudder plaza its almost like [the spirit] is looking it up and down comparing itself to see who is bigger said borden borden and kleinfeld have limited their search to central campus and will continue searching until they are able to capture evidence of the apparition to prove its existence to their client the man who hired hillbillies and hauntings had an alleged encounter with the spirit during his time spent at the university he wants us to answer the question: ‘where did it go kleinfeld said when asked about who his client is he shrugged he refuses to tell us his full name but hes paying us good money by the day so who cares said borden borden and kleinfeld are reaching out to students and faculty for help on the case with so many people on campus we are surprised no one has seen anything said kleinfeld were hoping somebody catches a whiff of the spirit soon for more information attend the informational at 7:30 pm on october 23rd in the g rollie white coliseum blue biker

after recent speculation of their future development seaworld parks and entertainment is excited to unveil their new attraction located at bizzell hall opening in spring 2020 having already established a partnership with the texas a&m university galveston campus with courses such as marb 200: the seaworld experience seaworlds board of directors decided that this construction would prove to be a strong investment it is common knowledge that aggies display incredible hospitality said lowell miran a seaworld board member we knew that bizzell hall would create a permanent home for those animals currently located at our san antonio theme park miran went on to include a defined scope of what the project entails the seaworld at the texas a&m campus will be home to the journey to atlantis ride a new sea lions at play show as well as many animal habitats featuring penguins orcas and a variety of sea life the board and i are most excited about the ‘sealife assistance services miran added this program stands to rehabilitate injured sea creatures under appropriate guidance the availability of this service demonstrates our commitment to organizational values and we know texas a&m would agree the project is already underway as demolition of bizzell hall began late this summer under the direction of project manager sibyl white the student services once available at bizzell hall have been relocated to west campus i understand the inconvenience of relocating these services but it is important that we create livable areas for our animals said white creek or river ocean or sea we need to create habitats for these injured and otherwise helpless sea creatures despite the lack of public explanation for the project the construction site is very noticeable on campus as it is surrounded by tall white wooden walls students seem to be excited for the entertainment center as it would provide an additional area to relax between the stresses of schoolit is not currently known if seaworld will offer discounted rates for residents at nearby hotels such as the one being developed on the other side of the memorial student center update: since this announcement has been made the people for the ethical treatment of animals (peta) have moved their protest efforts to main campus students are encouraged to approach the memorial student center with extreme caution and should expect minor traffic for two to four weeks left on redass

it is a common practice amongst texas a&m students to take food out of the dining halls across campus whether students are in a rush or just want to save a bit for later swiping a little extra food has been common practice since the university began serving meals to students in 1876 however a recent theft by jacob holmes at sbisa dining hall has led chartwells the dining services provider at texas a&m to hire members of the corps of cadets to oversee the safety of its inventory holmes a freshman philosophy major frequents sbisa on a daily basis he has one of the largest meal plans possible and says he sometimes still cant get enough to eat i really like the chocolate chip cookies when there are good cookies i always try to take at least 10 when the ice cream machine is working i like to make ice cream sandwiches said holmes last week holmes was caught attempting to smuggle three entire packages of bagels out of sbisa he stealthily brought three one-gallon ziploc bags and his backpack to ensure that he would have a clean escape but while holmes was on his way out he slipped on a banana peel and the freshman tumbled to the ground sprawling all of his contraband across the sbisa floor the dining staff immediately alerted the university police department and holmes was taken into custody we get incidents like this all the time but normally its only a bagel here an apple there small infractions we have no protocol to deal with a theft of this magnitude said lieutenant lindsey monroe the officer first to arrive on the scene holmes was left with a warning and a week-long ban from sbisa dining hall but the effects of his attempted theft have resounded with chartwells the company ensures that the necessary measures have been implemented to prevent further thefts chartwells has chosen to partner with the corps of cadets in this endeavor hiring cadets to oversee the security of the dining halls two cadets will be stationed at the exits of duncan the commons and sbisa checking students bags as they leave the mess halls to ensure that they carry no excess food cadets have been instructed to use any forces necessary to confiscate stolen food student reactions to chartwells decision to hire security guards are mixed: i guess i saw it coming i used to smuggle out a bagel or two during my time on campus i even heard a rumor that they were going to use ms reveille to sniff out bags and packs said amy connolly a senior economics major who resided in hart hall during her freshman year taking a package of bagels seems kind of justifiable considering we essentially pay like $10 for a meal trade every single day i wish i would have thought to bring a backpack to sbisa during my undergrad years buffalo wild wags

early on friday morning president michael k young chancellor john sharp and student body president bobby brooks held a joint press conference to announce the death of new army for years former students and upperclassmen alike have mourned the death of old army including the bygone days of hazing a crumbling commons and the fall of the big xii at the hands of new army however in a troubling turn of events the newest generation of aggiesthe millennialshave officially taken the reins at texas a&m and killed new army chancellor sharp cited the millennials rampant disregard for tradition as the main factor leading to the death of new army millennials who are by far the worst generation in history have no respect for the traditions of this university said sharp theyre so into ‘inclusion and ‘progress that they completely disregard the atmosphere of rampant intolerance that defined the a&m i fell in love with millennials already accused of killing american institutions such as baseball breakfast and lifelong employment have actually made many members of the aggie family long for the days of new army i bet we all wish we could just go back to the days where we sat down during injuries and yelled ‘first down! at football games but we cant said brooks these millennials are focused on attaining great jobs and investing in cutting edge research dont they realize the best thing for their education at a&m is to get too involved in student organizations dang i miss the good ol days others have cited the influx of new businesses to college station as another symptom of new armys death listen one thing old and new army had in common was that college station totally sucked; that was the whole point said oedipus banda ‘81 we all went to the chicken and drove on crappy roads and lived in ratty houses but now with all these newfangled fancy restaurants and hotels at century square its like a wannabe austin i cant stand it! president young reiterated that with new army dead there is officially no hope for texas a&m now that the millennials have swept in with their new ideas focus on the future and drive to bring traditions back to their roots texas a&m as we know it is finished said president young all we can do now is regard texas a&m as the latest institution that millennials have ruined alongside harvard yale and chilis fish daddy

junior finance major braxton bolton and junior petroleum engineering major rachel descartes have been dating since freshman year they met at a party between their two flos and ended up dating soon after both are well liked athletic and high achieving and most people think the relationship is destined for marriage however as both bolton and descartes have started looking for internships bolton began to think about the future paths he and descartes want to take he wants to work for a bank in new york while she is more worried about staying in houston working in the energy business bolton thought for a few days that maybe the ominous feeling in his gut was something he should address but then after a fun date night with descartes he decided to not worry about it until senior year i mean i love rachel and maybe we want different things out of life but i really love rachel said bolton im down to date someone in houston while im pulling 80-hour weeks in new york itll totally work out it always does if you really love someone but we dont have to worry about it for a while bolton is not the only person to delay dealing with the potential relationship problems junior allegra mcfarland who is still dating her high school boyfriend after they came to a&m together believes that while they are different people than they used to be everything will be fine i think we might be going through a weird funk right now but im sure we still love each other said mcfarland other guys make me laugh more than he does and sometimes i wish we would go out dancing but hes not really about it my friends have told me im out of his league but we have a whole year before we graduate and itll work itself out couples with fundamental differences such as junior student senator blake voltaire and junior womens and gender studies major ashley rachmaninoff have also decided not deal with their issues until they absolutely have to we avoid the topic of politics in our relationship because the best way to deal with problems is to pretend they dont exist said voltaire well have to talk about it when the whole marriage thing starts popping up until then we have a whole year and itll work itself out by then right the mugdown caught up with senior abigail hampstead who broke up with her boyfriend of three years at the end of august to ask her thoughts on the issue oh there were so many red flags said hampstead we shouldve broken up a year ago there are some issues you know are going to cause a relationship to fail and we had most of those issues when asked why she didnt pull the plug sooner hampstead cited the difficulty of facing the facts its hard to talk about hard things when youre having fun said hampstead but hey life always works itself out fish daddy

on tuesday president young made official what many students have believed to be true for a while now like the heldenfels cats the clever squirrels in academic plaza and the bats of kyle field campus has long been home to a range of adorable friends that have become indispensable parts of the aggie family as anyone who has ever stepped foot on campus can see the iconic swirling orange and white colors of the knife river cement trucks are as recognizable these days as reveille or the aggie ring in fact many of the students favorite new buildings around campus are only here thanks to the work of these little scamps like the industrious beaver building a great dam of wood and brush knife river cement trucks trek back and forth tirelessly bringing fresh cement to construct the ever-growing campus students returning from summer vacation always know they have made it back to bryan–college station when they spot one on the road they started showing up on campus around the time of the msc reconstruction project and since then their numbers have grown significantly said construction science graduate allen tarpley in fact they now play an essential role in the local ecosystem thanks to their steady carrying of much-needed cement after the announcement the bookstore in the msc said they will begin selling plush knife river cement truckssure to be an adorable addition to any aggie bedroom fan post

as the weather begins to cool in college station joggers have started utilizing every part of texas a&ms campus for their preferred running routes one of the most popular running spots the campus golf course has long been a favorite for students who need a twenty-minute study break the route a little over two miles is long enough to make joggers feel like they worked out but short enough to ensure they are not entirely drenched in sweat sometimes joggers choose to run with their shirts off either for comfort or for vanity one student sophomore clyde strong was taking a quick jog in between studying for economics when he inadvertently distracted a female driver with his washboard abs causing the woman to rear-end the semi-truck in front of her i run with my shirt off all of the time said strong its something i do to make myself feel more comfortable when i wear a shirt it gets all sticky and my abs start to look like fat rolls its not my fault that im cut i was just minding my own business running a real easy 6:21 pace when boom there are cars backed up for miles on george bush drive students blair wild and jackie mansanto were making their way along george bush drive when they spotted strong trotting down texas avenue wild the driver could not peel her eyes away from strongs tight pectorals and glistening brow in time to see the the semi-truck stop in front of her afternoon traffic was light but wild missed the trucks brake lights slamming into the vehicle while going about ten miles above the 40 mph limit it should be against the law for men to run with their shirts off on texas what am i supposed to do when hes out there just flaunting his body like that said wild this isnt northgate my car is completely totaled; i deserve some sort of compensation the wreck took over two hours to clear with george bush shut down for over an hour wilds jeep wrangler was totaled and the semi-truck left the scene with minor paint damage the fault of the accident whether wild or strong has yet to be determined law enforcement on the scene contacted the department of student life on how to handle the matter of shirtless runners on campus the poor driver had no chance to avert her eyes; of course the accident isnt her fault said penny ayton a representative for the department of student life i dont think we can technically enforce a rule against shirtless joggers but we can certainly shame them against doing it as a public institution this is not a place for nudity of any kind buffalo wild wags

junior accounting major braydon mcadams had it all he was the head director of flip he served as a fish camp counselor in two consecutive face camps and was on track to become a chair and make a face camp of his very own he was accepted into century mens society at the end of his freshman year and was a respected and influential member who planned to run for officer next year he was to receive his ring in the spring of his junior year had just been accepted into ppa and had already signed with pwc for his internship best of all mcadams had just turned 21 and was excited to go to northgate because he was going to know just about everyone there but after his first northgate experience braydon admitted something that changed his world forever: he hated logies i just didnt see the appeal man said mcadams it was sweaty and loud and it kinda smelled bad plus i dont really like popcorn or early 2000s rock so there wasnt any appeal there fast forward three months and mcadams distaste for logies tanked his chances of getting chair pressured aggie employees of pwc to strip him of his internship offer and caused almost all of braydons involved friends to abandon him it was crazy said mcadams all of my old involved friends swear by that place like they go there every single day and if youre not about it then theyre not about you seriously everyone i used to hang out with goes there so much that i cant hang out with them because theyre always there its like i got excommunicated from some cult mcadams also mentioned the difficulty of getting drinks as a serious problem has anyone ever made it to the bar at logies mcadams said i just kind of assume its there because of the throngs of people standing around facing something sometimes people have chuggers but they also have to stand in line for an hour first william dietrisch a senior in centuries fish camp counselor and mcadams former friend offered a vigorous defense of the bar look man logies has it all: the tunes the drinks the girls and the vibe said dietrisch its the place to be theres nothing better than rockin out to mr brightside to close out the night theres no better way to show that youre cool and relevant like making an appearance at logies dietrisch admitted to only picking up a job so that he would have more income to spend at the bar how can you expect me to be at logies four nights a week without a job and how can you expect me to have a social life without coming to logies four times a week asked dietrisch after losing most of his friends mcadams has started turning his life around by making new friends and discovering new bars its honestly pretty surreal that so many cool people go to our school and i never would have met them if i had kept going to logies said mcadams its like a whole different world out there one where you can actually buy drinks and not stand around being sweaty the entire night! fish daddy

last week a life was saved around 3:14 pm sophomore benny harrington sneezed 3 times in a row in his biology 111 class after an unnecessary amount of bless yous local hero todd parsnip leaned over and changed bennys life forever you know thats an early sign of conjunctivitis right parsnip whispered to harrington ive read all about it in the first chapter of my intro to anatomy book nobody not even parsniprealized how important his unwarranted statement would be with one semester of bims under his belt parsnip was out saving lives left and right while throwing around his wide array of knowledge about strep throat swine flu and chlamydia he has been able to diagnose almost everyone he knows with one disease or another i always ask people if they want my opinion on their health because most people want to soak in my expertise said parsnip i know not everybody necessarily asks for my advice which is why i offer it so frequently word about parsnip has been spreading around campus almost as fast as the diseases he cures which has inspired hundreds of good deeds from pre-med students everywhere nearly every allied health and bims major feels obligated to diagnose their friends and family whenever they feel like a loved one might have health related issues i try and save at least one life a week said brenda moon a sophomore allied health major with it becoming increasingly easier to learn on the job many are wondering why medical schools are not obsolete already i already feel like ive learned pretty much all i need to know about the medical field and with quizlet and other sites you can learn it all in a couple of months if you really put your mind to it i mean anyone can be a doctor said parsnip parsnip also talked about dropping out of school and opening up his own practice in 2018 whoop-tang clan

every day over 50 000 students attend classes at texas a&m university with such a large student body the university trusts only one catering service to provide nutrition to their students: chartwells the factor that truly sets chartwells apart from the competition aside from their promise to nourish the bodies minds and spirits of our students and pave the way for a​ lifetime of success and well-being is their data-driven customer feedback program this program includes an emoji reaction kiosk(tm) at the exit to each of their dining halls where customers can rate their experience recently chartwells has been running into problems with their data claiming that the survey results were overwhelmingly negative the mugdown reached out to chartwells representative david gordon for comment at first we were worried students were not enjoying our fresh and delicious food however we soon realized the data was incorrect since because we made some major sampling errors said gordon you see the problem isnt that we have low-quality food; its that we have low quality voters gordon went on to say that the data is a result of students not fully understanding how the kiosk worked while it may seem simple to us we now realize it was not fair to expect the general population to be able to decipher its function so easily said gordon as a result chartwells will be overhauling its review button protocol and will begin requiring review registration training in order for student to be eligible to have their criticisms heard although the details of what this training will look like have yet to be released to the general public some beta testers have come forward to voice their opinion it was super easy all the only question i had to answer was which dining hall i attend regularly and i was free to vote said sadie legenton a member of the texas a&m soccer team when asked about her dining hall preferences she said as an athlete i pretty much only go to slocum nutrition center its fantastic! we reached out to another tester cadet hank howard for his experience i wasnt able to pass said howard the first question asked where i ate and being a cadet i said duncan dining hall then it made me watch a two hour video on vegetable preparation only to tell me afterwards i wasnt qualified chartwells has assured the university that this new system will better reflect the criticisms of the student body or at least the ones that matter hazed and confused

one topic has completely dominated the discourse of the student body this semester texas a&m a hardworking university decided to get a second job to provide for its students students have become irate at their universitys decision even though the school is just trying to help provide for their needs its true: i have been struggling to make ends meet said texas a&m university a 141 year old institution i know my students may resent me for it now but ultimately i need the money in order to make sure they could be taken care of im sure one day theyll realize that and forgive me it is no secret that in order to support its students throughout their time in school texas a&m university chose to take out tremendous loans to guarantee their success i borrowed $450 million to make sure my students could stay happy eight weekends a year while they lived under my roof said texas a&m if i didnt take a second job at cain hotel there is no way i could make the income necessary to provide for the lifestyle my students ask for my students want to play on all these sports teams that cost so much while the university adamantly defended its position that an additional source of income would help those depending on its provision many students disagreed texas a&m has served us too many frozen chartwells meals for dinner to care all of a sudden said maxwell rockatansky a senior construction science major this second job is going to take away what little time texas a&m has for us and use it on entertaining fancy donors at a new hotel i just wish it would spend more time thinking about us and our studies rather than maintaining the campus budget said julian viz a freshman philosophy major viz was not alone in her belief in fact most students would rather texas a&m focus on making sure the students felt cared for than making sure the lights stayed on – netflix and drill