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chad bucko a senior philosophy major at baylor university visited home over the past weekend like the football team bucko decided not to make the trip out to kansas state bucko made plans to meet with his high school friend texas a&m senior finance major phil gutry back at their hometown applebees upon arrival and after an awkward bro handshake bucko noticed a new accessory on gutrys finger it looked like phil got his class ring since the last time i saw him said bucko i recently got mine and was confused about why baylor tried to turn it into an all-day eventits just a ring isnt it gutry a fifth generation aggie was taken aback when bucko showed off his baylor ring i was convinced that getting a ring during senior year was unique to a&m whenever chad used words like ‘valor ‘servanthood and ‘honor to describe his ring it all sounded too familiar i had to stop him when he started to ramble about the baylor network over the course of dinner both gutry and bucko continued their millennial behaviors and separately scrolled through instagram gutry already sweating from anxiety nearly fell out of his seat when he stumbled upon a picture of his friend barb fellenkamp striking a pose with her new texas tech class ring i needed a new way to assert my superiority over the rest of my big 12 friends said gutry as any good ag would do gutry reached for his back right pocket and pulled out his 12th man towel unfolding the towel and extending it towards buckos face gutry in a condescending tone said have i told you about the tradition of the 12th man however gutry was quick to rescind his words when he remembered bucko was a seattle seahawks fan good bullogna

last wednesday senior journalism major winston smith was convicted for his thoughtcrime smith was reported to the ministry of tradition after his roommate overheard him agreeing with his fathera former studentand his thoughts on a current issue on campus the opinion that smith shared with his father was not in line with the current belief of students on campus and he was swiftly reported by his roommate and texas a&m patriot syme obrien winstons mistaken belief that students should say ‘howdy on campus does not align with the opinion the rest of campus shares said obrien a senior english major i recognized his views violated the decision reached by the ministry and reported him opinions like that belong on texags not campus the hard work of the students within the ministry of tradition ensures that all students share the correct views about campus life the movement to create the ministry originates from issues students had when comparing their beliefs to those of former students many students were unsure of how to handle the opinions of former students though they felt secure in the fact that their status as a current student made their views more correct the official aim of the ministry is to ensure uniformity of thought in what constitutes an aggie the goal of the ministry of tradition is to ensure that all students feel confident in knowing that their opinions on campus life traditions or current events on campus are the correct ones said julia oruell a senior history major and head minister of the ministry of tradition if a number of students hold a different opinion and are convicted of thoughtcrime for the collective then so be it the popularity of the ministry of tradition has allowed it to become a dominant force on campus with the corps of cadets student government and greek life all becoming ardent supporters of it once the sororities joined the propaganda division of the ministry it was all over said madisen mcafee a junior mechanical engineering major between the banner holding blitz and t-shirt campaign not a student was left to oppose the ministry and their interpretations of student life students are still nervous that letting only current students dictate the right and wrong of a&m might mean being labeled bigoted former students in the future for the views they hold about campus today – netflix and drill

having been pressured into standing another four hours to watch a middling football program struggle through conference play hundreds of two-percenters silently sat in protest during the war hymn at kyle field saturday evening the protest was reportedly a response to calls from the universitys administration old army and sanctimonious freshmen who insist that everyone attend and stand through the entirety of every home game regardless of entertainment value junior protester kalela harris defended the legitimacy of the demonstration this is the only way we can get the redasses to listen at this point said harris were tired its hot our feet hurt the music is loud and the guy behind us keeps screaming ‘go for it on fourth and fifteen we want to go home our silence will speak for us there was immediate backlash and confusion in the student section as fans trying to lock arms with protesters to saw varsitys horns off were left hanging freshman rodney ballard was one of many to take to facebook and draft an angry response theres just no excuse for refusing to stand and sing the war hymn wrote ballard on his personal facebook page seeing upperclassmen show such disrespect is appalling i went to fish camp and im in a flo so im pretty sure im already a better aggie than these snowflakes protesters assert that remaining seated during the war hymn is not about disrespecting a gameday tradition but about peacefully expressing that they would have rather stayed in their apartment done some homework and caught up on rick & morty i hear a lot of people saying ‘if you dont like it dont show up to the games said harris its not that simple all my friends clear their schedules and then expect me to show up and sweat my ass off so yeah im going to sit down until i absolutely have to stand they can play that song to chig-gar-roo-gar-rem and back as far as i care hullakazoo

the mafia has taken root at texas a&m in a shocking revelation the mugdown discovered that the mob has taken over transportation services and set up a massive extortion operation that relies on revenues from parking tickets and parking permits the mob under the leadership of don goodfella who agreed to be interviewed via payphone has set up a system of intimidation to ensure that as many students as possible feel they must buy a parking pass the first step was scaring the bus drivers into submission yanno the first step was takin down the bus system said goodfella if people think that they can get to campus using reliable public transit then were done its over goodnight so when we set up shop we started takin the old drivers out for a little ride to lake bryan and if they liked our suggestion then we brought ‘em into the family if they didnt we fed ‘em to the fishes easy as that after derailing the efficiency of the bus system goodfella began hiring students to recklessly ride through campus on bikes to ruin the reputation of bikers we needed everyone to think that people who ride bikes are total morons said goodfella and we didnt hire just anyone either no we got people from every part of campus ysee we got the christians the frat boys the flos the maroon coats all the pretentious people we could get our hands on to make riding bikes and scooters look like somethin only schmucks did after securing parking garages and parking lots the mob began raising permit prices and then punishing those who refused to pay by employing their army of rabid parking lot attendants if you dont pay for your protection then we cant help what happens to you said goodfella you wanna deal with our parking lot attendants be my guest you wanna take a ride on the spirit bus be my guest you dont wanna pay my fee go ahead but the thing is everyoneand i mean everyonepays fish daddy

for decades students at texas a&m have been participating in ring dunks the way a ring dunk looks has evolved over the years but the spirit behind the tradition has remained the same these days most students opt to dunk their ring from the bottom of a giant pile of cocaine the whole experience is quite the rush said ryan ardman a senior marketing major you bury your ring in a pile of blow and then youve got to do hit after hit until you finally get to your ring i invited all of my friends and family to my ring dunk and my parents even took a video that you can see on my facebook ardman was initially unsure about dunking from a mound of coke but he gained confidence by practicing on a few occasions leading up to the big day if you can just set your mind to it its not too bad said adams leaving it out overnight before your big day can help the coke settle a bit making it easier to ingest quickly just make sure you choose a cut of cocaine that youre not too fond of because you probably wont want to snort that type ever again some students are a bit more hesitant to participate in this tradition sarika hammond a junior biology major took a while to get comfortable with the idea i just dont understand why it has to be an entire pile of cocaine why cant it just be one line said hammond for a while i didnt think i was going to dunk i dont even like cocaine but then all of my best friends planned a ring dunk together i wanted to dunk with them so i sucked it up and snorted a pile of powder i ended up having the fastest time at my ring dunk and i was so high for the rest of the party the university does not officially condone dunking your ring from a massive mound of cocaine but it encourages students to engage in all of the rich traditions beloved by aggies rolled up dollar bills and razor blades bearing the texas a&m logo can even be found for sale in the msc bookstore some students like freshman andrew martinez still have a hard time buying into the hype i just dont understand why anyone would ever want to dunk their ring in cocaine said martinez shaking his head in confusion everyone ive ever talked to acts like they dont want to do it but then they do it anyways i guess by the time i get my ring ill probably end up dunking it in cocaine too aggies have been doing it for forever after all interyellar

since the traffic nightmare of the 2013 texas a&m game against alabama texas a&ms department of transportation has worked to find a more efficient way of reducing post-game traffic and accidents normally this consists of closing more common routes in an effort to disperse traffic onto smaller roads throughout college station in its latest efforts to cut back on the time it takes spectators to travel home from kyle field post-game transportation services has announced that they will be barricading all roads and streets within college station city limits on game day over the years weve tried many different ways to funnel all traffic into highly congested roads and i think this is our best effort to date said doug williams director of transportation services during a press conference on tuesday morning by barricading all roads and side streets in college station for the entirety of the day our estimates suggest at least a 2-4 hour reduction in the amount of time it takes to get anywhere in college station from kyle field the trend we have noticed each year is that the more roads we have closed off the more people decide to walk allowing for more room on the road the catch this year is that there will be no place for vehicle transportation whatsoever allowing pedestrians to make full use of the open road to make their way safely home i think this is a really good idea said katie jameson a freshman allied health major when asked her thoughts on the departments announcement one time i was leaving one of the games with my boyfriend and an accident on george bush had us stuck there for hours i think the best way to avoid that happening again is to remove all cars from the roads during game day the new plan will consist of closing all major roadsincluding george bush university and texasas well as every side street in the city the barricades will go up beginning at 6am this saturday and will stay up with an armed guard at every post until 1am sunday morning transportation services is advising all game attendees to leave the boots behind and wear a good pair of tennis shoesyoull need ‘em mugdown staff

i am a good faithful aggie man i love my friends and my family but most of all i love texas a&m so naturally football season means quite a lot to me i love having the family come into town for the games i love coming together with friends around the barbeque however there is so much about this special day that is focused on more than just what i want maroon out is about us that is what makes it so special unfortunately it seems to me like our society has started to shift its focus away from what really matters when it comes to maroon out instead of being about the people we surround ourselves with for many it has become all about possessions and consumerism its true: one of the most iconic features of maroon outright down to the first one everis the maroon t-shirts i am certainly not slandering the shirts themselves i think we can all remember that amazing feeling that we all felt as kids when we rushed to open our drawers and don our maroon out shirts after a night of restless sleep it is just such a shame that it becomes more and more about the shirts each year than what they actually represent: bringing everyone together and being thankful for all that a&m has provided for us each year it just feels like the game day marketing season begins earlier and earlier maroon out is in november and im seeing advertisements for it as early as labor day it makes me wonder what happened to this great nation our values are slipping away from us each and every day i know it isnt just me noticing all of this you go into aggieland outfitters and they have all of their maroon out decorations up so darn early the shirts are there on the shelves before they have even put away the texas a&m swimsuits its ridiculous i know all of this is a result of this participation-trophy-giving pc culture movement going around even down here in texas and dont even think about feeding me this happy holidays! crap; its maroon out dammit please let us work together to uphold the sanctity of maroon out this maroon out season as you hold your family close while the war hymn plays and the grill crackles and pops remember why you are there in the first place the 12th mannot the corporations and media profiting off our football beliefsis the reason for the season bacon & ags

the office of the commandant held an emergency meeting to address an incident that happened in the aggie band dormitories last night with hazing occurring in a zone that should be secure leaders knew they had a crisis on their hands zachary mitchell a junior cadet in a-company was hanging up his newly-wired uniform only to notice that someone had bent all of his wire hangers rendering them useless the entire dorm fell into a state of chaos as staff attempted to identify the perpetrator we sit through a discipline brief every semester where we hear the stories but nobody really believes it can happen to them said mitchell this has been the worst abuse ive suffered throughout my entire time in the corps of cadets colonel glenn starnes on behalf of the office of the commandant gave a statement to the public: this is not the first time we have dealt with a situation like this we have a tried-and-true method that consistently gives us the results were looking for shortly after col starnes announced that roger graham a sophomore cadet in h-1 would be stripped of his uniform and removed from the corps thats impossible said adam haden grahams old lady hes at his sisters wedding in california! hes not coming back until after the weekend colonel starnes then announced that cadet haden would also be removed from the corps effective immediately for being an accomplice to hazing i am so glad we were able to get to the bottom of this said rachel charles of b-company we are all so lucky to have a commandant who knows how to handle these situations so professionally! the mugdown had several questions for the colonel concerning how a pisshead could haze a junior halfway across the country however our representative was approached by colonel hawes and told to stay quiet or things would get ugly hazed and confused

aggies have proudly kept texas a&ms fun and strange traditions alive for decades however the campus has undergone many changes over the years with the acceptance of women non-regs and the opening of a starbucks inside the corps of cadets quad in response to the changes a few of the most redass aggies have decided to take some of our current traditions to the extreme as a ploy to bring back the spirit of old army walk under the century tree become connected for life lovers who choose to walk under the century tree together will now truly be connected for life when you and your soulmate come out on the other side you will find yourselves physically attached at the hip unable to separate think of it like the twins who are born with connecting heads only surgery will be able to tear you and your partner apart after taking this romantic stroll sex after each aggie touchdown its no secret that the aggies havent been putting up points like they used to the poor performance has affected love livesfewer touchdowns means fewer opportunities to kiss your date to make up for the lack of physical intimacy the stakes are being raised… and so is the sexual tension when the players score 6 game points you can score an extra 4 hoe-points to help prevent the spread of stis make sure to grab your 12th man condoms on the way up the ramps pond drowning the class of 2021 has already begun pond hopping with their fish camp counselors but the new way to take part in this tradition is referred to as pond drowning counselors will hold each freshmans head underwater at the different pond locations after the first freshman loses consciousness the group is able to move onto the next pond the seal is lava most students are careful to step over the koldus seal for fear of not graduating on time if even a toe should touch it however this is one tradition that many underclassmen seem to ignore in an effort to save the dying tradition the seal has been turned into broiling lava so those who step on it will instantly melt it will certainly be difficult to graduate on time if you become molten rock 12th man toilet paper be sure to start carrying your official 12th man towel at all times the university will be removing all toilet paper from campus asking that students use their 12th man towels instead this tradition is expected to increase towel sales and save trees nothing like a 12th man towel for your 12th man bowels (2-ply towels available now) wildcats lastly there will be a slight change to the wildcats juniors and seniors will now fire pistols when giving a whoop thanks to the campus carry laws students are able to carry firearms at all times making this extreme tradition very practical underclassmen who are caught whooping without privileges may be shot in the leg and subsequently attacked by a mad bull squatbucks

career fair season is in full swing as texas a&m students from all majors begin their hunt for that next internship or the start to their careers the university provides its students with the resources to land the perfect job from résumé workshops to a top-of-the-line career center it comes as a surprise then that the greatest obstacle to a successful career season is going to class university policy mandates that job interviews are not university excused absences professors take such great care to rub this into every students face that it often merits its own italicized bullet point in the syllabus naturally career fairs are also not university excused absences considering that 50 minutes of lecturing will do far more for ones career than 50 minutes of applying for jobs and speaking with industry representatives the mugdown spoke with professors who support the current absence program students should be in my class exactly when they are expected to be said dr rebecca gaudreau professor of talent management you are fooling yourself if you think that an interview will get you any closer to a job than my disconnected dead-eyed lectures will get you my class is the most important part of your day and dont you forget it for a damn second human resources professor walter chambers told the mugdown that he understands the career fair is a vital resource to his students ive been lecturing for three weeks on the importance of making an outstanding impression at the career fair but we will be having class as usual said chambers students are expected to attend career fair but must skip another professors class university authorities stand behind the official rule that these career-related events are unacceptable absences fortunately this should not cause any conflict with the students because people rarely come to college to get a job im not here to give myself the foundation necessary to begin my lifes career said maurice denali a senior finance major i just wanted to attend classes and then not apply any of that knowledge to my life after college bacon & ags

the mugdown recently conducted an interview with one of aggielands tenured transportation services employees roger joe fillmore fillmore joined the tamu faculty in 1990 and was first in his class at the segway rider institute i sat down with fillmore to gain insight into his perspective and experience as a transportation services officer squatbucks: what would you say is the biggest misconception tamu students have regarding transportation services roger joe fillmore: well most students think were out to get everyone and have no basis behind the parking tickets we distribute thats simply not true we only target students who are running late for exams cyclists who dont stop for a full two seconds at stop signs and cars with sorority decals s: well is there a way students can avoid getting parking tickets rjf: id suggest taking the bus s: speaking of the buses is there a plan to increase incentive for bus drivers weve heard there is a shortage of about 80 employees rjf: no but we do plan to have a new bus route that takes future hotel guests straight from the lobby to the gates of kyle field s: interesting have you ever given out a parking ticket that you realized was a mistake rjf: actually yes only once when it was very dark outside i was out on duty when i noticed a parked truck taking up two lanes on bizzell street their lights were off and the thru traffic had no way around them a line of maybe seven or eight cars had formed behind the truck at this point so i wrote up a ticket and stuck it on the windshield making sure to take a picture of the evidence when i took the picture the camera light shined on the side of the truck and i realized it was mine s: did you appeal it rjf: [chuckles] i sure did s: and rjf: they denied it they snatched those $30 right out of my paycheck s: join the club! i have another big question: do you think we as a campus are lacking parking spaces for handicapped individuals rjf: ah im glad you asked this question we try our best to make sure that the handicap spaces are only occupied by vehicles with a handicap permit s: but do you think there are actually enough handicap parking spaces rjf: no actually i dont i hate to admit that but we seem to have an infrastructure problem s: yeah thats what it seems like is there a solution rjf: id suggest taking the bus s: is there anything else youd like tamu students to know about transportation services rjf: well there is something id like to share its a new project weve been working on im honored to announce that we will be using the autonomous driving vehicles to distribute parking tickets on foot or segway its impossible for us to catch all the violators so the new ais will help to pick up the slack and make justice more efficient we would like to thank mr fillmore for taking time to meet with us and discuss the myths and mysteries behind transportation services squatbucks

a lack of effort from the 12th man during football games has led the student government association to develop a method of correcting the student bodys behavior they have created committee on campus security to enforce and protect the traditions of texas a&m known as the kkb the group is composed of volunteers who remain discreet so as not to alert fellow students our goal is to blend in with the rest of students so we can see who participates in traditions or not said leo demidov chair of the committee on campus security many students have expressed their concern with important traditions dying out during a poor football season the kkb is hoping to bring back the things that set a&m apart we want all students to see our traditions as mandatory said vasili nikitin a sophomore kinesiology major under the new policy a student caught ignoring or disrespecting any tradition will be recorded by the kkb and brought in for questioning where an appropriate course of action will be voted on by members of the council the point of questioning them is to understand why a student is ignoring tradition and to help us ensure crimes against the university do not happen again said alexei andreyev a senior history major consequences for not participating in traditions vary from a warning for minor offences to being sent to a re-education seminar where offenders are reminded of the value of tradition my friends and i were caught not doing yells during a football game and were forced to lead yells in front of the msc for 5 hours to serve as a warning to others said ivan sukov a visibly haunted freshman agricultural communications major i accidentally stepped on the msc grass while trying to catch the bus and i had to serve 3-days hard labor with the corps said semyon okun a sophomore history major my roommate was found guilty of sitting during a football game and i havent seen her in a week said freshman business major raisa despina in order to encourage students to keep traditions alive on campus students are urged to report the names of peers not participating as a form of self-policing while the corps of cadets may be the keepers of the spirit we like to think of ourselves as the enforcers of the spirit said demidov details regarding how to join the kkb can be found on the committee on campus security tab on the sga website – lil event

with a new year duncan dining hall has been reopened with the promise to better serve cadets the first few weeks of school were uneventful until the definition of hazing was read to freshmen cadets during their first discipline brief since then reports of self-hazing have seen a massive uptick i immediately understood that forcing myself to eat the food at duncan dining hall was in line with the information on the universitys website said ian possum a freshman engineering major and member of n-1 according to the university making myself eat or drink foreign or unusual substances such as raw meat salt water onions or hot peppers is considered hazing all of these are served regularly in duncan the decision to speak out against the rampant self-hazing going on within duncan dining hall was not limited to fish or their mothers i recognized an unlawful order and i could no longer commit to hazing myself said roy mayweather a senior cadet after hearing the definition of hazing read to me for the 7th time i knew it was finally time to speak up last night a scene of chaos unfolded as a number of freshmen began standing up from their seats going to cadet training officers in the room and shouting sir no sir while standing at attention in front of them twenty years in the marine corps and i had never seen anything close to the confusion of last night said gunnery sergeant puller we told them to shout that when facing an unlawful order but they didnt really know what to do after that the office of the commandant has yet to come out with an official stance on the matter as their typical yearly tithe of 10% of the corps to hazing charges was surpassed during that single dinner there is no mention of plans to charge chartwells as an accomplice to the misconduct cadets remain skeptical over whether chartwells will get involved as that may lead to the quality of food improving – hazed and confused & netflix and drill

despite humanitarian outcry and protest freshmen students experienced one of texas a&ms oldest traditions for the first time thursday night as the a&m student body celebrated the annual raffle ceremony at kyle field it was amazing said freshman jerrod mclaren i walked to kyle with my dg friends when we reached the east side stands i looked around and saw 45 000 of my fellow aggies quietly standing ready for the ceremony it was breathtaking standing before the students at mid-field was president michael young and four large wooden boxes all the screens in the stadium read four will be chosen in white lettering once all students had arrived young began the ceremony howdy young said lets get started president young reached into the first box labeled freshmen pulled out a small slip of paper with a students name on it and read it out loud he pulled one slip out of each of the boxes marked sophomores juniors and seniors as well and read those names over the loudspeaker the four students were quickly retrieved from the crowd and brought to the field once the raffle winners were restrained spectators were instructed to throw their commemorative aggie spirit stones™ until the students perished the raffle has found its fair share of critics but current and former students have come to its defense i know the raffle isnt perfect said sophomore christie vanda but its what weve always done and protecting our traditions is what makes us special its like the saying goes: ‘from the outside looking in its human sacrifice from the inside looking out you cant explain it people get offended by everything nowadays said franklin burnette a local businessman and former student lets say they do get rid of the raffle next theyll be tearing down our whole identity we wont even be able to sing the war hymn wave our towels or burn liberal arts majors at the stake without outside media bossing us around young sent an email congratulating students on another successful raffle the administration couldnt be more proud of the student bodys participation and enthusiasm for this great tradition said young dont forget the hunting of the grad students is just around the corner weapons and torches are available in the msc bookstore hullakazoo

today is the day fellow ags congratulations to all of the normally-paced seniors and overachieving should-be juniors who earned the piece of gold that will no doubt ensure you land a job anywhere your little heart desires the mugdown has compiled necessary steps that both ring recipients and families should take to preserve this day as one thats more important than graduation for the ring recipients: printed/electronic instagram post holding i ordered my aggie ring two forms of id and ticket this year the association has new requirements for picking up your ring in years past two forms of id and your ticket were sufficient enough to transform into a truly employable aggie however starting this september each senior will be required to present the instagram photo they posted the day they ordered their gold along with the two forms of id and the ring day passbook ticket after all pics or you didnt order it in-focus picture of aggie ring whether you are giggling or crying hysterically in the moment it does not matter because only your hand will be in focus all that matters is that your future is set because you finally earned it as stated above pics or it didnt happen make sure you decide who will put on your ring before the time comes nothing is more uncomfortable than having your redass old army cargo-short-wearing dad get in a discussion with your mom over who will be sliding that piece of gold on your finger your mom probably deserves that honor more after all of the hour-long phone calls about tests and breakups; however play it safelet your grandma do it for the families: this is not an hour-long ceremony! dont be confused by all of the hype and sweaty people your beloved recipient may beg you to drive for hours and take off work but more likely than not you will be saying to yourself that was it bring that fan you got from the nationwide booth before the last home game you will be wondering why you are drenched in sweat wearing heels or boots waiting to watch your second cousin (the one that is really hard to get along with) put a ring on their finger but youre related and youre aggies so youll be there better dig out that crappy fan from your bedroom trash binyoure going to need it metta world pizza & good bullogna

students are excited for the new app coming to college station this semester: chorewhores chorewhores allows a college student to request a maid any time of the day to clean their house for a small fee cleaning services include organizing the house doing dishes taking out trash sweeping mopping sanitizing and any other simple tasks that college students are too busy to do the maids for chorewhores are sourced by the community and anyone can sign up i am so excited to take on this part-time job during college said molly paquan a freshman psychology major doing chores are very easy for me and its something i will probably have to do for the rest of my life similar to uber the app will feature surge pricing during certain high-volume times such as saturday and sunday mornings ring days and family weekend sign up for the app is easy as it only requires a student email password and parents credit card number this will radically change my performance in school said matthew kolty a sophomore supply chain major i have wasted so much of my valuable time doing useless chores that my roommates annoy me about but now i can just outsource everything however when asked about his 5-hour daily average for online gaming kolty declined to comment the only current roadblock for chorewhores is the complaints dealing with the apps name we understand the misogynistic overtones in the name but we feel it perfectly conveys the purpose of the app said chorewhores ceo and junior finance major travis nalakick were willing to make that trade off the app will be available just in time for this coming ring weekend 12th man bowels

earlier this morning after being reported missing for three days texas a&m student riley nelson was found by university police nelson a freshman english major went missing earlier this week while trying to find her car parked on the fourth floor of west campus garage nelson survived by using her camelback to collect water dripping down the walls of the garages lower levels while sleeping under a car one night nelson was attacked by a bat and used a discarded whataburger bag to dress her wounds i felt bad killing the bat but it was him or me said nelson if that bat could have eaten me it would have in fact i think it was trying to many students were left puzzled wondering why nelson could not just phone a friend for help or arrange a ride home after two hours of searching my phone lost power from draining itself trying to find a signal said nelson i didnt want to ask others for help because i didnt want to be that loser who lost their car in the parking garage officer jeremiah paulson of upd identified nelson as the missing student after noticing she was picking up trash off of the ground students normally either leave trash behind in the garage or walk by it meanwhile nelson seemed to be gathering it said officer paulson nelson is expected to make a full recovery after her grueling 72 hour stay in west campus garage i just hope that my story inspires others to ask for help when looking for their parking spot said nelson –lil event & netflix and drill

when the commons began its two-year renovation it sent shockwaves through the on-campus culture forcing south side students to walk all the way to the msc or worse sbisa for food and entertainment the reopening of the commons is a monumental shift in the pace of on-campus life however upperclassmen that toured the commons out of curiosity and nostalgia expressed surprise and frustration regarding the new furnishings most complaints focused on the quality and aesthetic appeal of what the mugdown has termed new commons its so freakin nice! said junior electrical engineering major jedidiah moseley the commons isnt supposed to be nice; its supposed to be grungy and depressing that was the whole point! moseley cited the poor conditions of the old commons as a bonding experience requisite of being an aggie if you didnt almost slip on the old floors when they were being cleaned if you didnt stay up until 3am crying on those stained old couches and if youd didnt have ping-pong tournaments with all of the broken paddles i dont know if i can even call you a true aggie said moseley the biggest trigger for moseley however was the notion that the basement will open as a fully functioning food court very similar to sbisa oh hell no said moseley the old pizza the over-sized pasta portions with rosa sauce the undercooked chick-fil-a: those were iconic! i wouldnt be the person i am without them! i wouldnt have made my closest friends if we didnt have to struggle through that crap together! at a time when other proposed changes to the a&m experience are working their way through the system upperclassmen stress that the new commons presents the single greatest threat to a&ms culture and history i simply cant believe that people at this university are trying to make the aggie experience easier and better said randall givle a senior international studies major the nerve of some people! all theyre doing is pampering kids not giving them a taste of the real world life is difficult and a&m is shielding them from the inevitable reality of life when asked whether any of the resentment surrounding the new commons stemmed from jealousy over incoming students having it easier givle responded with a condescending laugh first of upperclassmen will never be jealous of freshmen dont be stupid said givle second all of this newfangled crap isnt going to make things better having nice things isnt going to let kids bond as much as my friends and i did our experiences with the old commons are all that matter; nothing could ever be as good frickin new army fish daddy

constant construction across campus is a familiar sight for all texas a&m students freshmen are often confused when crossing campus unaware of the changing building names throughout a sea of forklifts and caution tape freshman jack christy discovered that the fitdesk bike desks installed in august at evans medical sciences and west campus libraries are in fact not part of the renovated student recreation center christy a kinesiology major has begun visiting the library since before classes started and utilizes the bikes as part of his daily workout routine i just wanted to get my weekly cycle in said christy with a shrug back home i was the kicker for my high school football team so im a super athletic guy the bikes were so nice and i could even set my laptop up to watch netflix i just assumed it was the rec christy is not the only student utilizing the exercise bikes on a daily basis as evans library increasingly becomes a social hub for starbucks enthusiasts the space has also become a natural home for workout enthusiasts the bikes were installed for students who lack the spare time to make the ten-minute trek to the rec and would rather sweat it out while writing a pols 207 current events paper there are even wipes supplied so that perspiring students dont leave traces of their sweat on the desk surface following their strenuous workouts amaris larson an electrical engineering major in her fifth year reminisced on a time when the library was just a library every time i go to evans to study in my favorite corner on the 5th floor i hear grunting noises all the way from the exercise bikes said larson why cant those pumped-up maniacs just go to the rec and leave evans as it was i hate the starbucks too they dont have those muffins that poor yoricks used to stock i miss those muffins due to increased wait time for exercise machines at the rec students are flocking to the machines at the three libraries following a texas a&m health science center report that showed the $54 million renovation of the student recreation center has been ineffective at combatting the freshman 15 the texas a&m university libraries are stepping up to help conquer the issue we are recommending students laminate their notes to prevent them from perspiring all over their papers said library associate susan deijkstra students wont need to bring headphones to the library anymore because they will have a constant serenade of grunts and dripping sweat coming from the exercise bikes the chorus of heavy breathing and slapping thighs could beat the new taylor swift or katy perry song any day buffalo wild wags

saturdays win against ul lafayette not only brought joy to aggie fans but also relief for the video editors at 12th man productions its been a stressful job for us this season since my position is centered on making the aggies look good via hype videos said jonah redding a student editor we tried using some ucla clips but that blue and gold just kills the mood were grateful to have this new footage to pick from recent weeks have been depressing for the editing team as rumors of downsizing spread around the office one student worker even thought she heard a fan yell fire someone during the nicholls state game thinking the fan must have been talking about the people who create the videos its not even our fault the student worker reportedly yelled back to combat the lack of footage the creative team was forced to find ways to build hype in more innovative ways techniques included an excessive amount of shots of fans at football games videos of players warming up and when needed clips of former aggies or the handful of highlights from the first two games when using video from the ucla game however the team used a black-and-white edit in post-production to prevent fans from realizing what game the clips were from we do what we can to stay alive said nina freeman senior supervisor for 12th man productions if we cant make hype videos then there are plenty of other things that get fans going like whenever cameras catch someone on 3rd deck swinging a 12 foot chain of towels or zooming in on cute 2-year-olds in maroon as for now well bank on the highlights from the ul lafayette game to carry the aggie spirit through the rest of the season 12th man bowels

the conflict between co-consuls bobby brooks and bobby ramirez has erupted into near–civil war between aggielands two leading citizens consul brooks election to consulship was met with accusations of illegitimacy creating tensions with the cadet legionaries who hold dear the values of their republic the recent policy decisions crafted on the floor of koldus forum have inspired an uprising consul ramirez appeared at the head of the i ii and iii winged legions as they crossed rubicon street marching from their garrison in upper west campus the cadets were promised additional grain allowances for duncan dining hall and to be awarded land in the province of off campus at the end of their four year service said consul ramirez these promises have not been fulfilled and thus among other threats to our republic i must confront those threatening in the student senate as consul ramirez draws closer to campus he will be joined by the parsonii horsemen and the i ii and iii regimente legions from their stronghold in the province of north gatae consul brooks needs to be brought to justice for his violation of the campus pact with cadet legionnaires said gaius kaiser a cadet of the iii regimente legion the ideals of the republic must be preserved and that begins with taking care of her selfless servants the legionaries on the floor of the koldus forum consul brooks denounced the actions of his co-consul and called upon his legionary cadet commander brett sauer to defend the student senate et tu bobby said consul brooks as he fled east towards golf coursus along with most of the student senate when the news of consul ramirez crossing rubicon street reached main campus without its leading consul or student senate to govern the capital and its citizens were sent into a frenzy with no semblance of order the absence of a student government ceased all functions and the existence of civilization on main campus without the i ii and iii brigada legions enforcing the senators policies looting and riots have become widespread not even the sacred temple of kyle was left untouched by the student-citizens–turned–barbarians many within the student senate predicted the danger of allowing both a popular cadet legionary and citizen of the republic to take the office of consulship in last years elections only time will tell if consul ramirez wants justice for his legionaries or to hold power over the republic with both the corps and the senate in his grasp – netflix and drill

for years the signs which indicate parking lots and dot the texas a&m campus have confounded students and faculty alike recently however tamus team of renowned archaeologists may have cracked the prehistoric code behind their symbolism most students are familiar with these ancient monoliths each sign prominently displays one two orin some rare casesthree arabic numerals though relics of a bygone era (which some historical texts refer to as the time of plentiful parking bounty) it has been well-established that these numbers indicate the parking lots number studies have yet to confirm why each lot was assigned a completely irrelevant number all of these facts however have been studied and discussed extensively the true breakthrough lies in the signs other symbols claims project lead dr ted goebel its no surprise that these… structures… tell us where to park what is surprising though is that they also explain how said goebel indeed it appears that the artwork above the lot numbers actually indicates facts such as where game day parking is or which lots are free after 5 pm after last semesters success with the expedition into the depths of blocker dr goebels team was assigned to study these parking signs in the process of travelling from lot to lot the archaeology crew faced two cases of heat exhaustion a bike accident and over a dozen parking tickets the crews biggest obstructions though were the traffic gates and pedestrian crowds on campus the caravan was often forced to wait until nightfall to maneuver to the deeply interior lots such as beutel and lot 6 the prehistoric lot nomads wrote down a set of laws to guide their parking on these signs said goebel because each tribe had a different set of symbols eventually they all lost meaning and parking information was passed down by oral tradition today people only know where to park because they heard it from somewhere else the actual information died out long ago though there is still much to learn about these parking signs goebel is confident in his discoveries i pay to park in koldus anyway; those signs are way outdated bacon & ags

anger and discontent permeated campus on wednesday morning as reckless moron ricky pflieger decided to ride his bicycle through a crowded sidewalk clearly designed for foot traffic pflieger a sophomore communications major and inconsiderate jerk defended the action the sidewalks are just so crowded and the buses are slow so i figured i would get a bike said the imbecile who has no regard for common courtesy i know there are designated bike lanes on roads that are almost completely traffic-free with the exception of some buses but i figured if i just plowed through innocent pedestrians i could get to the front door of harrington and wouldnt have to use the back door freshman rodrigo visigo was one of the many students left in the wake of destruction im only a freshman and even i know that according to title 7 subtitle c chapter 551 of the texas state transportation code statutes ‘a bicycle is a vehicle and a person operating a bicycle has the rights and duties applicable to a driver operating a vehicle said visigo whose conscience gives him a sense of how his actions might affect those around him all laws and signs regulating the movement of vehicles upon the roadway also apply to bicycles despite the outrage shared by every pedestrian on campus by wednesday afternoon campus scorn shifted to a junior political science major oblivious half-wit aleisha davis had caused every pedestrian on the sidewalk to step off into mud in front of the northgate post office despite the entire road being one giant goddamn bike lane north by northgate

following a move by the office of the commandant at saturdays game texas a&m university felt called to renew their campaign against intolerance the ability for the corps of cadets to demonstrate their stand against bigotry by a small gesture at march-in has revolutionized campus policy starting on friday the university will begin constructing a massive virtue signal on the roof of koldus to shine on rudder tower in the advent of racial incidents on campus or other sensitive issues such as student mental health or sexual assault the school will simply shine a phrase such as bthohate or we hate racists too on the side of rudder tower for all of campus to see after receiving the support and strong reactions to such powerful imagery we see this as the only option moving forward said dr anne reber dean of student life changing policy and mandating training is a thing of the past look at the student support for this project compared to our required haven training! the signal will be capable of altering what it projects and allow for commentary on multiple issues within a matter minutes some students feel that the signal would be a poor use of university funds and is not sending the right kind of message it feels like we are just doing something without really doing anything at all said belle arrow a junior economics major i mean youll only be able to see the signal at night when most students arent even on campus i can see the intent and the goodwill behind the message said hannah reivington a senior computer engineering major it will at least make students and the university feel as if theyre doing something but not much else chancellor john sharp hopes that the signal shining bright on rudder tower will be a monument against bigotry for everyone in the brazos valley area to see chancellor sharp did not seemed worried the signal might distract from the crown jewel of aggieland the yet to-be-named hotel the only place on this campus that will be more remembered more frequented and more well-known is the building across the street netflix and drill

last week texas governor greg abbott tapped texas a&m chancellor john sharp to spearhead the state-wide rebuilding effort in the wake of hurricane harvey abbott explained this at a press conference after he announced the decision harvey was an unprecedented disaster for the gulf coast of texas said abbott in order to combat disasters we need a man who is intimately familiar with them and chancellor sharp is that man sharp goes to work every day surrounded by the disaster that is texas a&ms infrastructure so i am excited to watch him apply the lessons he has learned in college station on a much larger scale the first step for sharp was to establish public transit for the thousands who lost their cars in the historic flooding to this end texas a&m transportation services will be extending all of their off-campus bus routes to include stops throughout the greater houston area lets face it if youre taking the bus to class you werent going to get there on time anyway said sharp anticipating the student outcry as route 12 buses add stops in katy midtown and clear lake whats an extra hour or six in the grand scheme of things in addition sharp has also announced that all houston food banks will be privatized and outsourced to chartwells well-known for their occasionally edible food restricted hours and extortionate pricing chartwells will be able to provide a service where public aid falls short entry to a chartwells relief center™ will require the purchase of a meal pass for a one-off meal or a dining plan for repeated visits instead of donating canned goods chartwells is encouraging donors to offer their meal passes online that can be used to swipe someone in for free lastly sharp will also be erecting many additional parking garages throughout houston many think this is a questionable decision as it contradicts the emphasis on public transit shown by his extension of the aggie spirit bus routes however sharp is adamant that this is the way forward look you just have to build parking garages said sharp in a mystifying statement at a press conference last week the how or the why doesnt matter much they simply have to be built i mean i could stop building parking garages at any time if i wanted to but i dont want to stop and so parking garages it is would you rather have a city that is underwater or a city that is not underwater and also has a lot of parking garages i know what i would choose and ill give you a hint: it begins with a ‘p and ends in ‘-arking garages [note: sharp continued to lecture on the need for parking garages in a similar fashion for several more minutes before being escorted off the stage] big brother jed

since last season the aggies have been working on new traditions that would invigorate the student and alumni sections with this years tough schedule of nicholls state ul lafayette and a&m consolidated early in the season football games were in dire need of even more traditions on saturday night the chant of first down became an instant classic each time the aggies managed to move the ball against such a phenomenal defense the chant of first down! worked the crowd into a frenzy amplified by kyle fields new dj weve seen how the chant of ‘aggies ball fills the seats at reed arena aggie football lacks that kind of spirit said head coach kevin sumlin the turnover trashcan and touchdown scepter are for the players thisthis is for the fans the student body was also excited to learn about the new traditions the 12th man foundation teased on social media starting with next weeks game against ul lafayette all classes on friday will be cancelled if they occur after 3:00pm by moving the pep rally from midnight to friday afternoon we hope to encourage the maximum amount of attendance said athletic director scott woodward the excitement doesnt stop there as commandant joe ramirez announced a fresh new look for the band at halftime on texags appearance is key in order for our band to be able to compete with the likes of the marching band from tigerland a&m consolidated we must look at how we dress our uniforms must be on par with our competition said brigadier general joe ramirez there are even more new uniforms in store as the aggie dance team will be stepping on the field next week in all white the dance team will begin working with the yell leaders in order to pump up the crowd and lead the exciting new yells such as lets go aggies and d-e-f-e-n-s-e i am really excited to be working with the aggie dance team and i look forward to seeing those maroon and white pompoms get the people going said yell leader ken belden personally i cant wait to link pinkies during kickoff with the rest of the yell squad in a change of events the student body appreciated president youngs email friday afternoon announcing nominations were now open for this years homecoming court netflix and drill

texas a&m university made national headlines over the summer when it announced that self-driving cars will be made a part of life in college station the project has since expanded with cars beginning to drive around bryan–college station roads however an unintended side effect of this development can be found in a software feature which allows the vehicle to learn local traffic patterns based on interactions with surrounding drivers drivers across college station have remarked that the cars moving around campus have seamlessly blended into the traffic patterns and habits of the area i watched a white sedan with a&m logos all over it shoot out of the h-e-b parking lot and cross three lanes of traffic before flying through a red light at holleman said del spooner a junior forensic science major i didnt even know it was driving itself until it passed me and i saw the car was empty other students have noticed the cars behavior becoming inseparable from the conduct of other drivers on campus i was in koldus garage when i saw a car take a right turn down the exit ramp to get out of the garage quicker i really didnt think anything of it until i saw that no one was behind the wheel said cap richards a senior classics major it even honked at a pedestrian about to walk in front of the garage exit before speeding away the transition hasnt been without victims the texas a&m transportation institute sought to put the technology to public good by automating the organization carpool they always said automation was the future but i guess i didnt take it seriously enough when looking at student organizations to join said giacomo zapparoni a senior supply chain management major and former carpool driver one night youre driving people back from northgate blasting disney songs and the next night some freshman is telling you ‘the future is now old man the only malfunction reported thus far is a bug that causes the car to brake suddenly and then speed up several times when taking a right from university drive onto texas avenue unable to decide the proper course of action vehicle data logs also indicate a tendency to speed up when a bike is crossing an upcoming intersection netflix & drill

texas a&m transportation services recognized ed martinez a campus bus driver with nearly three years of experience with the spirit of the aggie spirit award early monday morning after heroically delivering students to their 8:15 am classes perfectly on-time ed martinez is being recognized today for going above and beyond the call of duty said robyn ashbee president of texas a&m transportation services he isnt expected to take class schedules into account but he makes sure his route runs perfectly on-time to ensure no student has to worry about being marked late or absent regardless of whether its at 8:15 10:32 or 11:28 north by northgate

texas a&m announced friday that the glbt resource center offices will be relocated by mid-september the resource center established as a safe haven for queer aggie students will move from its current location at white creek to a utility closet on west campus i guess there were a few signs but i was still surprised said bryce merrick a junior business major who has been a regular visitor to the resource center over the last two years i came in and one of the student workers pulled me aside and said ‘bryce i have to tell you something important were being put in a closet i thought it might have been a metaphor or the start of a thesis paper but no an actual closet awaits us this relocation follows another one made over the summer in august the glbt resource center joined the ranks of student services standing in the way of the universitys hotel project (and building-sized cash machine) and was also whisked away to white creek until a new location could be arranged freshman general studies major leanna brady was unconcerned im sure theyll be fine said brady what do they even need there skinny jeans and frank ocean records on vinyl the resource center maintains that it will continue to provide campus involvement and referral services despite employees and student workers having to step over a mop bucket to get to its only surviving desk i just hope we arent expected to stay in here for long merrick said on the bright side the janitor who keeps his equipment here seems pretty accepting hullakazoo this article was first published in our print edition released on august 30th 2017 pick up a copy in the msc evans quadbucks the commons or wehner before theyre gone!

between class studying and extracurricular involvement the majority of students at a&m dont have the stamina to take on anything else however there are the bold few that try their hand at starting an entrepreneurial venture we decided to delve into the entrepreneurial community at texas a&m in order to showcase the imaginative spirit of these students gustavo patton a junior marketing major shared the humble beginnings of his photography business my parents gave me a dope nikon for christmas this year and i figured i might as well make some money said patton all i did was adjust the aperture and throw some nice edits on my instagram pics and the business came flooding in patton is also contemplating adding his own all-natural candle line to accentuate his business photography is my true passion said bessie francis a sophomore communications major it all started when i was editing some old pictures in the msc and i heard some people whispering about how hip i was that really sparked my heart to start my own photography business francis goal is to be a full-time wedding photographer and is getting most of her practice by taking pictures of her roommates in the most photogenic areas of the historic district merrill pinkerton a junior allied health major is the mugdowns last featured entrepreneur my photos are a pure expression of my life as reflected on social media said pinkerton i think my well-documented trips to every national park in california and my 4000 instagram followers are a true testament to my vision and skill pinkertons hand lettering skills are also featured on all major social media platforms and can be purchased along with her photos the enterprises of these pioneers give a small glimpse into the wide range of talent put on display by student-run businesses koldus & cream this article was first published in our print edition released on august 30th 2017 pick up a copy in the msc evans quadbucks the commons or wehner before theyre gone!

yesterday students in the msc flag room witnessed texas a&m student jonathan michaels bemoaning the fact that he would have to learn about vectors yet again michaels a sophomore mechanical engineering major went on to list every course that began the semester with a week of instruction on vectors i just know that were going to go over vectors again in meen 225 and math 251 said michaels but cmon weve done this like a million times a baby could solve these vector problems like we get it theres a direction and a magnitude whoop-de-doo other engineers sitting with michaels nodded in zealous agreement as he continued his dismissive monologue: i mean we never even use vectors why do we have to do this vectors dont even come up for the rest of the semester this kid is in for a rude awakening mitchell alterbrook said in passing with a dark chuckle when asked for clarification the 5th year civil engineering student added math 251 is almost entirely based on vectors; in fact most of his classes from here on out are going to be vector–heavy this is only the beginning why cant we have a free syllabus week it would be so nice to just relax said michaels drawing rapturous applause from his robotic engineering cronies none of them wanted to point out that mere moments earlier michaels had been complaining about how easy vectors were and stated how [learning about vectors] was beneath an engineer like myself despite professing an aptitude in vectors at time of publication michaels was unable to explain the difference between a dot product or a cross product saying uh… it has something to do with how ones product is a scalar and ones still a vector but im not 100% sure gingerbredass

fundamentals of aggie social media

this past week many have fallen victim to a torrent of fraternity parties throughout the bryan/college station area women participating in the events without the excuse of sorority recruitment have faced some of the most extreme devastating and deafening frat parties in almost nine years mallory halep sophomore communications major found herself a survivor of a darty thrown by an unmentioned fraternity last friday my mom warned me of this upcoming wave of parties said halep she instructed me to buy lots of bottled water and stay away from driving on these roads full of ‘crazy college kids halep even took it a step further by trying to stock up on pedialyte but found both heb and walmart were completely out of supply upon her arrival to the fraternity party halep was greeted by relentless beer showers and a house flooded one inch deep in trash can punch an unabating bombardment of frat boys engaged halep in unwanted conversation but a tactical female rescue team repeatedly deflected the suitors one female rescue volunteer even signaled an uber to take halep back to safety by early saturday morning halep found herself in the comfort of her own home able to call herself a survivor halep quickly turned to facebook to mark herself safe after the fraternity party friends family and classmates halep had not talked to since middle school were relieved when facebook provided this notification i realize how much danger is out there in college station and i was able to rest easy knowing mallory was okay said nancy patton-smith haleps 9th grade softball coach haydin sherman a sophomore finance major halep met last year during gig ‘em week added to be honest i forgot all about mallory but its cool shes safe and all nonetheless there were still critics of halep who claimed that using facebook for this matter was a little unnecessary but both sides can agree that at least she waited until after the event to mark herself as safe good bullogna

students spend a significant part of their time in college figuring out who they are and what makes them unique for a majority of aggies being unique means wearing comfort colors from gig ‘em howdy week to ring day comfort colors t-shirts have always been there to swaddle aggies in their soft embrace it is only appropriate then that these important cultural garments are finally available to accompany students in the final moments of their college careers according to an msc barnes & noble representative graduation caps and gowns will now be available in comfort colors maroon we know that behind each student is a network of support and we want to give students the opportunity to recognize all that have helped them said jackie steinem just as family and friends support students emotionally and mentally so too does comfort colors on a social and fashionable level student reactions to this news have been overwhelmingly positive honestly i cannot express how meaningful this is to me said davis gonzalez senior accounting major the distinct washed out tones of these shirts allow me to express myself in ways the intricate complexities of the english language cannot accommodate now i get to walk the stage feeling like the best version of myself the comfort colors graduation regalia will be available for purchase to all students special features on the gown include custom embroidery of all the organizations the student is involved in and all the date parties they have attended all gowns will include frockets for obvious utility however business majors and students in sororities and fraternities will be given special gold cords and limited edition patagonia stoles to honor their exceptional commitment to the comfort colors brand i am thrilled about the comfort colors gowns said jane ataulfo senior supply chain management major no one will be able to see the shorts i am wearing underneath the gown just like when i wear my normal comfort color shirts come and bake it

while many consider the taco cabana on texas avenue a highly respectable mexican food drive-through one aggie defensive end took time to note its importance during his college career daeshon hall is still awaiting his professional football future as the nfl draft continues through saturday however it is his future with taco cabana that leaves the 6-foot-6 266-pound pass-rusher with the most doubt those tacos were always there for me when i needed them most wherever i end up next i will do whatever i can to make sure that taco cabana opens a franchise in that city this is something that is very important to me hall said though part of a team that includes myles garrett and trevor knight both strong advocates for fuego hall remains faithful to taco c you can leave your dr pepper cowboy and fuego steak at home hall said nothing beats a cabana sampler plate with extra sour cream after a night out with the boys torchys mad taco and fuego seem to receive most of the praise from aggie fans and football players alike but taco cabana management believes the popularity of the san antonio-based fast food chain will mirror halls nfl success daeshon is a spokesman for this franchise the better he does on the field the better well do in selling tacos hes our ‘cabana boy said don malbert taco cabanas college station branch manager hall declined to comment on being called a cabana boy good bullogna

after a dangerous encounter last monday afternoon the texas a&m university police department has had to regroup and rethink the way they operate at approximately 3:00 pm officer randall matthews was doing a circuit of campus when he noticed what appeared to be a black nissan rogue parked horizontally across both lanes of the trigon blocking the passage of several buses however what officer matthews assumed would be a routine traffic citation turned out to be anything but that matthews pulled up behind the vehicle and began to exit his car when the rogue reportedly turned on its hazard lights onlookers said that matthews stood still for several seconds the color draining from his face and then re-entered his police car where he presumably radioed for backup within ten minutes several more police cars arrived and the officers began to confer seemingly at a loss for what to do by this time additional aggie spirit buses had arrived leading to a traffic jam spreading outward from the trigon and causing a major disruption of the transit schedule mugdown reporters arrived at the scene and were able to interview the chief of tamu pd nathan strake while the driver of this vehicle is parked like a complete jackass our hands are tied said strake if a driver turns on their hazard lights theres absolutely nothing we can do about it legally speaking this car no longer exists the problem is that physically speaking theres still a roadblock in the middle of the trigon as the mugdown is a non-legal entity and renowned journalistic institution the officers requested that our reporters act as an intermediary between them and the driver acting as such our reporters were able to interview the driver of the vehicle a junior visualization student named mariel jozica i cant believe this actually worked! said jozica face flushed with excitement i saw this youtube video where some guy said that turning on your hazard lights was legally identical to a ship issuing an sos because of that its like your cars in international waters and you dont have to follow any laws! im free to park in whatever selfish manner i please with no repercussions whatsoever! however jozica did not evade rule of law quite so easily tamu pd was able to surround her vehicle until her gasoline ran out and her hazard lights turned off once her re-entry into the united states of america had been established she was taken into custody by representatives from the department of state we ask that all drivers avoid using their hazard lights unless they have fully considered the consequences of doing so big brother jed

the ever-growing college of engineering has announced that it would be hosting the 2017 commencement ceremony in kyle field reactions to the news have been mixed: while some students were excited to turn their tassels inside the home of the 12th man others recognized that the venue was outdoors making sweat a possibility not presented by the traditional venue reed arena chancellor john sharp made clear his support of the new location on thursday sharp emphasized the venues symbolic message for graduates to lower their career expectations as they have done for aggie football kyle field is a world-class football stadium a vessel that holds memories of exciting beginnings and disappointing endings said sharp engineering majors being optimists should not forget that halfway through every season we always think it will be the year texas a&m makes it to the playoffs sharp refers to the past four consecutive seasons in which the texas a&m football team started strong enough to build hope for greatness before forcing fans to settle for mediocrity as the job markets for engineering fields fluctuate a graduation at the site of sporting disappointment reminds students that $110 000/year out of college and 11+ win season are both possible yet improbable standards my hope said sharp is that a budding young nuclear engineer can walk across stage look out into the iconic stadium and think: ‘god remember when we were undefeated hosting alabama sophomore year and we thought we had a chance against them the season never recovered! what if thats what this ceremony is has senior year been my lifes bama week the moment they walk off stage they should set out to face the future with the awareness that it could all end in the world kicking the crap out of them and leaving their mangled bodies for lsu to devour hullakazoo

another school year has flown by which means its time once again to say goodbye to our own graduating senior members just as one anxiously waits for the next bit of our content to reach the public so have these friends of ours been waiting to be made known to the world their time contributing to the mugdown is coming to an end but the legacy and satire they leave behind will live on congratulations to our graduating seniors!

the student recreation centers expansion failed to deal with an issue that plagues many of the gyms regular attendees: seasonal overcrowding yet regular rec patrons have begun to notice no decrease in gym attendees who have in the past typically stopped showing up after the first round of exams many of the people tired of casual goers overcrowding the gym have formed a group called tamu alternative exercise to decrease turnout at the recreation center the first sign should have been that the new years resolutioners stayed after the first three weeks said gym regular james twist once the crowd didnt diminish in time for the spring breakers to arrive i knew i would forever have to wait fifteen minutes for a squat rack the attendance rate has only increased as now the summer bod crowd arrives to finish out the semester the new organizations aim is to target the vast majority of students using the rec for one exercise before spending the next hour looking at their phone or socializing while taking up a weight platform or machine tamu alternative exercise hopes to spread their message by banner holding common facts that will justify students beliefs that they do not need to exercise at the rec at first we considered telling people they had to buy a membership at the student recreation center said junior allied health major oliver london instead we decided that holding banners with messages such as ‘lifting weights will make women bulky can accomplish the same goal since it leaves students feeling like they dont need to come at all the group plans on rotating several banners on campus to increase awareness other signs including aggies are healthy at any size and one glass of wine = 30 minutes of exercise will appear at various locations throughout the semester by discouraging people from feeling like they should attend the rec the group hopes this will prevent any future overcrowding is not wanting to spend two hours at the rec when i go for what should be a one hour workout too high of a demand telling other students that ‘running is bad for your knees is ultimately best for them said sophomore kinesiology major jack adams the regulars can actually use the rec and the people showing up to feel good about themselves can now feel justified in not showing up its not like they were burning any calories when they did come overall the group hopes that encouraging students not to spend time at the rec will serve as a best case scenario for both parties tamu alternative exercise hopes to release pr shirts with the most popular slogans sometime early next fall netflix and drill

evans library has long been a hub for research and studying on campus in 2014 chartwells opened a starbucks in evans library that immediately drew large crowds since this location accepts both the starbucks app and dining dollars as viable payment forms the evans starbucks outshines the barnes and noble coffee shop in the msc which claims to proudly serve starbucks™ but only accepts cash or credita serious hindrance to starbucks gold card members the newest starbucks on campus commonly referred to as quadbucks has gained immense popularity among both cadets and non-regs shedding light on just how many texas a&m students are willing to pay $5 for a cappuccino to foster the ever-growing love of mediocre coffee products evans will be undergoing renovations to become a six-story starbucksthe first of its kind the mugdown caught up with president young to discuss these new plans texas a&m has become a premiere research institution and we believe our starbucks locations should reflect that being fearless on every front begins with our beverage intake said young who also explained that the renovations will involve removing most of the books in evans library to make room for the anticipated lines and the shelves of starbucks christmas blend when asked about the removal of books the university responded by pointing out that texas a&m is becoming so digitized that books are essentially unnecessary most students look up sources online now we havent had a student check out a library book since november said patricia jamison head librarian whose years of experience sorting books will now be utilized to set up shelves of starbucks merchandise fortunately starbucks employees foresee shorter wait times as the new floors will each feature their own lines and cash registers attracting customers away from the overly crowded first floor students like sophomore jess plantaya seem to be on board with such developments im excited about all the new starbucks lines coming to evans because ive spent a lot of time waiting on the first floor over the past few years one day i waited for two hours just to get a tall java chip frappuccino and missed my finance exam said plantaya im a little annoyed about having to walk up the stairs now though you would think they could put in an escalator too it is still uncertain if the noise level rules will have to be adjusted on the upper floors but the university told the mugdown that they feel it is more important to supply students with caffeine than to provide a quiet place for study we believe this change will allow evans library to capitalize on profits the books are just wasting space and theyre free to check out so they end up costing us money a six-story starbucks will not only answer students needs but it will also increase funding for future plans said president young despite all the changes evans library will not undergo a name change for the sake of tradition renovations will begin this fall and texas a&m is hoping to see their collegiate rankings jump in response to the new amenities squatbucks

as cultural awareness increases across campus greek life has specifically been affected panhellenic president joella dambrosia comments on what the fraternal community is doing to increase diversity see we get a lot of crap as sorority women for ‘all looking the same and ‘being the same color so all the sororities came together and decided to be more color-inclusive! we are super excited to announce that every sorority is doubling the color selections on their spring pr shirts! before the new inclusivity initiative sororities typically offered shirts in coral seafoam navy and sometimes a shade of lavender now the girls have the option of dressing in all sorts of colors we take diversity very seriously here on sorority row as a matter of fact we have a blonde vs brunette ratio that has to be met if a chapter has too many of one hair color then we require girls to dye their hair to ensure equal representation dambrosia said clearly increasing the variety of shirt colors isnt our first proposal to diversify 5k for yell

every weekend the women of college station look forward to nights full of disrespect and undesired attention from inebriated male suitors they spend hours doing their hair putting on makeup and picking the perfect outfit to look just right for an uncomfortable encounter with a potential new man to block on facebook ciara kennedy and her friends spent four hours getting ready and taking instagram photos with giant 21 balloons their preparations may have taken several hours but they still included time to double check they had their pepper spray and a male friend on call in case they needed a fake boyfriend no birthday is complete without my girls a night we will not be able to remember and plenty of ass grabs from creepy dudes also wed like to thank our fake boyfriends for random guys who cannot accept ‘no there is nothing more respectable than a monogamous relationship said ciara in a toast before their night at northgate luckily it does not have to be your 21st birthday to be preyed upon a chill night at obannons offers just as much exposure to intrusive stares allie hawks describes her favorite experience from this weekend i just came here to sing some karaoke and be objectified by men im so embarrassed im only wearing a t-shirt and jeans but im glad guys find me attractive enough to catcall me anyway the best part is that girls do not even have to be in a crowded bar for an overly zealous male to invade her personal space even when walking down bottlecap alley or bar-hopping in the streets there are plenty of opportunities to be uncomfortably close to a northgate admirer if you are a woman who is worried about never finding your very own instance of incivility do not worry after all it does not matter how you look or what you wear – as long as you are a female you will be equally disrespected 5k for yell and come and bake it

on friday march 31st donald johnson and riley simmons ended their so-called friendship the two had known one another for a year previously but had recently taken their relationship to the next step: snapchat johnson a sophomore business major had been snapchatting simmons for a record 120 days when the streak ended tragically well it started off casual: ice cream or lecture hall snaps here and there then it became this unspoken pressure said simmons a sophomore kinesiology major id have to constantly show him what i was doing id wake up with a snapchat from donald then id have to respond or our streak would die along with our entire relationship i couldnt eat pizza without feeling like i needed to document it for him students can be found all over campus recklessly walking into bike lanes and roads attempting to maintain their duty to society by posting stories and letting their friends know exactly what they are doing every minute of the day johnson and simmons had not seen one another in person since november unfortunately for the streak on friday simmons lost her phone at chilifest without the communication the entirety of their friendship died johnson commented i thought we had something outside that likei dont knowan actual friendship but without snapping her for two days i realized i knew nothing substantial about her im kinda glad it happened though i ran out of things to say weeks ago but my roommate started responding for me metta world pizza

archaeologists working for cushing memorial library came across a fascinating discovery this week after their blocker excavation finally broke through the team led by dr ted goebel uncovered an entirely forgotten classroom hidden behind the layers of flyers on blockers interior south wall the excavation began in 2016 after the great sewage flood of october 10th old flyers were exposed in some places by the flood giving the archaeologists an opportunity to begin digging the expedition sought to resolve rumors of an ancient crypt hidden within blocker traditional aggie legend holds that blocker was assembled in 12 days by e king gill as a mausoleum to house the recently deceased old army the excavation was slow at first according to the dig site reports the top layer of flyers was difficult to breach at first we were literally just scratching the surface you might find rio frio fest posters from last spring break or a reed rowdies flyer from when we were good at basketball but nothing truly ancient that was pretty disheartening said goebel after months of careful surface work the expedition finally made real progress i just couldnt believe it i knew we were getting somewhere when we ran into all of these flyers from the 1980s said goebel they were really faded but our translators were able to decipher the text a few mentioned a ‘g rollielikely the name of a 20th century king after months of labor several budget cuts and three injuries the dig team discovered a dark and musty room experts claim that the room has been sealed for at least two thousand years it was a pretty gruesome sight said goebel the forgotten classroom was filled with a foot of standing water and had skeletons strewn about this is fascinating but not the fabled old army crypt we were looking for the adventure continues! the university has since started work to turn the lost room into a quiet study area bacon & ags

the corps of cadets is proud to announce that it will be holding its first annual boot chaser 5k this spring about the race: since 1964 when the first females were admitted into texas a&m university catching the eye of a man in boots has been the deepest desire and main aspiration for any proper aggie woman in recent years however the true art of boot chasing has become a rarity to combat this growing deficit the corps of cadets is starting a new tradition: the boot chaser 5k the course: the race course is simple but effective it consists of multiple laps around the quad allowing the participants to have maximum exposure and visibility the race will commence with a fire of the canon and a fighting texas aggie yell practice (the yell leaders upon completion of their final yell will swiftly flee the area to ensure safety from aggressive fangirling) the course will include water stations every half mile staffed by extra motivating cadets to provide inspiration for the particularly thirsty female and male racers the revival of bootchasing was originally intended for women but in an effort to promote gender equality the corps has determined that anyone can qualify as a bootchaser for the event the finish line: to provide participants with the best and most iconic finish line experience they will complete the race through the quads front arches as racers approach the finish line they will run through a saber arch configured by boot-wearing senior cadets all finishers will be encouraged to tap the return with honor pillar as they complete the course this symbolizes the necessity for each woman to keep her virtue and honor perfectly preserved for her future strapping all-american cadet finishers village: once complete each finisher will be handed a maroon carnation as well as a pass to enter the quad during non-visiting hours the post-race reception will be held in duncan dining hall with an assortment of beige food that vaguely resembles subpar microwavable meals medalist: the lucky women who have proven themselves in the art of bootchasing will not go home empty handed first place – guaranteed dates to all midnight yells (one including a yell leader as an escort) second place – complimentary duncan meal swipes for the remainder of the year third place – a posed picture with a yell leader that gives the impression of a steady relationship (possessive hands encouraged) the first place finisher in the mens division will win an unrestricted weekend with the wag of his choice thanks gigem and happy boot-chasing! 5k for yell

robert browning who only minutes ago had been aggressively scrubbing at a stain in the carpet apologized to his friends for his train wreck of a living room as he welcomed his guests into his home he stood with his hands on his hips and shook his head in shame i am embarrassed that i didnt get a chance to clean things up before you all arrived i promise its usually much tidier than this said browning lamenting that the current state of his living room was not up to his standards as his friends took a seat on the couch he discreetly pushed his vacuum back into the closet where it would remain until hours before the next time guests arrive months in the future upon hearing that his residence would be the meeting location for several of his friends this evening browning cleared his schedule for the day and set out to do emergency cleaning addressing the months old pile of dirty dishes on the coffee table collection of fast food cups on the end table and trash covering the floor robert did what he could to make it appear that human beings lived in the house man i am so sorry for how dirty it is right now said browning repeatedly throughout the night regarding his surprisingly clean kitchen area its usually so much cleaner in here ive had such a hectic week so if you would have come any other time my house would have been in much better shape brownings counters had never been and likely never will be so clean in his entire time living at the house interyellar

vandalism of the aggie ring plaza was discovered earlier this week bringing to light vulgar comments that the association building namesake clayton williams jr made about rape in 1990 eager for comment on the situation the mugdown visited the offices of university president michael young only to discover that everyone was out and would be back in 15 minutes we have been waiting for the staffs return for about 45 minutes the only signs of life so far have been what appears to be a secretary peeking out from behind the front desk periodically and a shushing sound emanating from a nearby conference room we will update this story as we gather more information on the situation wrecking crew reba

every few weeks in the news cycle a sensitive difficult topic arises about texas a&m university due to this topics nature many students shy away from discussing it creating a taboo around the subject and avoiding it in conversation this hard-hitting issue lies under the surface but dominates social media when it flares up sometimes even leading to protests thankfully aggies across campus can rely on administrative officials to quickly and effectively deal with the issue when it is thrown once more into social media discourse lab dogs at texas a&m university are a difficult issue to come to terms with golden retrievers suffering from muscular dystrophy are kept for research and experiments to help texas a&m find a cure for the genetic disorder every few weeks university administrators are tasked with handling the press coverage or social media outcry from petas initial claims peta is responsible for the negative press we have to deal with in regards to our lab dogs said emmanuel summa a university spokesman familiar with the issue when sensitive and taboo topics like this arise the university prefers to handle them with speed and transparency issues that make our students feel uncomfortable at their own school must be dealt with by decisive action not by creating commissions or sending out emails to the student body it all began when moderators for the texas a&m university facebook and twitter accounts noticed an influx in the amount of negative traffic on their pages usually with an incident of racism or sexism we see a quick flash of outrage before users move onto another issue by the next day said rob hughes a student worker in the texas a&m marketing department with this though it reanimates every few weeks after the peta video picks up again and a new wave of commenters storm our social media pages thankfully each time such an egregious incident has occured university officials have been more than willing to get in front of it lately the university has been able to respond with less vitriol since students have shown themselves increasingly willing to fight on behalf of the university since petas action resulted in a protest that interrupted texas a&ms sxsw snapchat story the universitys decision to provide an immediate and direct response to an incident has empowered students to openly discuss the topic regardless the university maintains that lesser issues should follow the current policy of slow and well managed inaction netflix and drill

following reports of erratic behavior and unprovoked aggression among texags users brazos county health officials have identified the cause officials have asked residents to avoid contact with users of the popular forum site in order to contain the spread of rabies we have been getting reports of rabid behavior on texags for years emergency coordinator rudy tylek said but we have never seen it spread this quickly or on this scale officials believe that the outbreak began last september on a thread about people removing their shoes in movie theaters the disease was then spread quickly among users thanks in part to the current political climate the rabies remained largely unnoticed until the most recent student government controversy caused a spike in infections the disease silently spread at an alarming rate as the recent controversy with corps policy changes were revealed in the military section of the forum a large number of rookies were exposed to the disease when older posters reached the board when asked to comment on the outbreak a texas a&m spokesperson said that the university is happy to see that a cause has been identified we were beginning to worry that former students had abandoned the core values of loyalty and respect that we worked so hard to instill in them said the university spokesperson we knew deep down that fellow aggies would never have acted like this the health department has placed texags and its users under voluntary quarantine if someone you know begins to act irrationally angry and disoriented please isolate them and call authorities immediately officials did not comment on if they believe secretary rick perry was exposed wrecking crew reba

chilifest – every aggies favorite holiday a weekend full of beer showers music playing so loud itll make your ears bleed and chili…lots and lots of chili students uber miles and miles down fm 60 just to get a taste of all that sweet chili in the heart of snook tx but with so much chili its easy to get confused thankfully the mugdown is here to break down the different types of chili served at various fraternity and mens org builds bone apple tea! heat index describes the hotness required to enter the build and eat the chili for example if you are a you wont be allowed to enter a build one army chili name: beerwatch heat index: description: one army presents a milder chili where they went for points on looks and presentation when eating this chili you will find tiny bits of ground one army hat throughout the bowl in addition the chefs went for a heavy tomato base to achieve a red color that resembles the swimsuits of their baywatch theme look out for the oa lifeguards as they wont let you leave until you go on their slip ‘n slide against your freewill many on facebook will say they are ‘going to eat this chili but end up eating a cheaper frats chili instead ol ags chili name: mardi donks heat index: description: ever tried eating chili through a straw from a fish bowl hanging from your neck well thats exactly what ol ags will be doing this year with their bourbon st inspired culinary creation this chili tastes a lot like the one army chili but has way more kick and it smells like it hasnt showered in three days included in your chili purchase is a free ride on her majesty ol ags famous donkey idol – think of reveille but for sweaty drunk college guys and in case youre not uncomfortable enough anticipate the ol ags guys to ask you to earn it before throwing beads at you geaux chilifest! phi delta theta chili name: miami vice heat index: description: chef gc is very proud of his miami vice branded chili the delts are so sure youll enjoy their chili they will bus you over from college station on friday then lay out a few flattened keystone boxes for you to sleep on overnight this chili is almost entirely made out of jalapeños and beans so beware of eating too much or risk missing all of your monday classes ace chili name: harlem drunktrotters heat index: description: nothing screams basketball and harlem new york like the aggie club of engineers this year the ace boys will try to match their drinking consumption with chili consumption expect the chili recipe to feature chunks of half-frozen corn dogs and drunk dudes pulling your arm to dance with them on the poles lastly look out for the basketball hoops over the trash bins so that you can dunk your barely eaten chili into an overflowing pile of beer cans sigma alpha epsilon chili name: sons of liberty heat index: description: sae will frequently remind you who the original chefs of chilifest are and their founding fathers theme contributes to their modesty inside this chili youll find the spiciest of peppers that only the hottest of patrons can handle many will try to get in but will quickly be pointed to the direction of the mens org chilis century mens society chili name: party like theres no to-maya!!!! heat index: description: the centuries boys traveled south of the border to incorporate a variety of hot peppers into their recipe (sorry no peruvian puff peppers) although centuries is still new to this festival their chili tastes like many of the other chilis at chilifest but they claim its completely different when asking a centuries member what the secret ingredients are they wont hesitate to respond character leadership and integrity expect their chili to be served in the same black trash bags they use to fence around their build pi kappa alpha chili name: pike pardi gras heat index: description: see ol ags (minus the donkey) 2014 grad who still thinks hes a senior chili name: remember the johnny days heat index: description: ever wondered what the big 12 tastes like try this chili you are guaranteed to be served by a bearded man in cargos and crocs remnants of the ol army sbisa cookie can be found throughout the base of this chili and each serving comes with a free story on what life was like before panda was at the msc and for some reason the attendees of this build will actually attend the chilifest concerts

the quad is in a state of alarm in response to the commandants secret police tightening control on the corps of cadets on tuesday evening all points of entry to the quad have been sealed leaving one remaining entrycomplete with a checkpointat the arches for those trying to enter reveille is being used to sniff out the trails of those running the blockade late yesterday afternoon a scandal broke when an email was sent to all cadets within the corps the email contained links to a website and facebook page hoping to organize a resistance movement against the commandants iron-fisted regime the movement called for cadets to rise up in glorious revolutions and shrug off the khaki shackles of their commissars the email also leaked the official copy of the commandants plan to consolidate the power of the corps of cadets from the forty-six outfit commanders into the hands of his ten major unit commissars the news rapidly spread through texags and social media with the resistance providing past and present cadets the first real opportunity to speak out about the commandants purges of the corps and its traditions the commandant was outspoken in the matter after resistance leaders deployed assets to freeze the commandants bank account we will find and swiftly place any supporters of the resistance into the dorm 2 detachment as needed said general ramirez those who think cadets should run the corps believe in a system that is slow broken and sentimental they fail to understand the vision we are working towardsa glorious army 3 000 strong! cadets found engaging in suspicious activity on social media have historically been reminded to step in line by high-ranking officials in the commandants regime or are reported to the commandants performance review board (cprb) the panel of loyalist cadets tasked with extinguishing resistance the commandants secret police are searching dorm rooms across the quad trying to capture members of the resistance and any other dissidents willing to support their views most cases end with the capture of the brave fighters before being brought to guard room to face execution one unsuccessful chase ended when an agent of the resistance accused several cprb operatives of hazing forcing them to self report and face dishonorable discharge the leak of information and mass email have provided a glimpse of light into the reign of terror the resistance has inspired many cadets to break the conditioning and voice their opinion honestly i hope they get away with it said junior chemistry major jake andersen if the commandant makes his big announcements from facebook i dont see why cadets shouldnt someone finally found out how to take a stand without being crushed by cprb said sophomore biology major roger thomason the board can only send the secret police after the founders of the movement rather than an average cadet it has gotten too large other students are relying on the massive crowd of support being voiced online to protect them from repercussion they cant kick us all out right i mean… not if he actually wants to reach 3 000 cadets said a junior cadet who wished to remain anonymous godspeed to the resistance and their battle with the commandant maybe the battalion will pick this story up and make it go national can someone get rick perry on the record at press time at least one member of the resistance had been captured the mugdown remembers cadet nathan hale who was executed inside of ash ii llc after being pursued by members of the secret police his last words were my only regret is that i have but one life to give my corps netflix & drill and north by northgate

a recent announcement that the university was closing the loophole which allowed white supremacist richard spencer to speak inside the msc left many students relieved despite the tightening of the rules regarding speakers at a&m not all famous figures for hate speech will be affected by the changes most notably the specifics of the rule will not bar brother jed from conducting jedfest since his iconic performance occurs outdoors despite his inflammatory speeches each year students await brother jeds stop at texas a&m on his national tour as his ability to make students laugh and accept sexist remarks have led to the annually anticipated establishment of jedfest unfortunately under the new rule speakers like mr spencer who lack the communitys acceptance of hateful rhetoric resort to hosting their events within university facilities these speakers are prevented from doing so unless they are invited by a legitimate student organization academic unit or member of the university system that must obtain university approval for the event students find that condemning people to hell for their beliefs are often most enjoyable in the large crowds of jedfest i am absolutely in love with the forward thinking displayed by the university said marco shapiro a junior economics major the rule prevents people who lack the comedic genius and cult following of brother jed from coming its just not okay when other speakers come and broadcast hateful rhetoric the university broadcasted the policy update through local media outlets when richard spencer visited campus we actually saw students having difficult conversations about freedom of speech and racism said amy smith university spokeswoman these conversations are not something we want people to associate with texas a&m university students old enough to vote and serve in the military should be provided a safe space from hurtful words and difficult conversations many aggies felt the university kept their best interest in mind when updating the policy i for one support the rule; we can all come together and laugh at brother jed jedfest is one of those small parts of aggieland tradition you can look forward to every year said junior nuclear engineering major james belladonte richard spencer and potential future speakers who say such bigoted and hateful things arent welcome on our campus nobody is going to tolerate that language herehate isnt an aggie value other students are not so comfortable with the change in policy when it comes to hate speech either none of its okay or all of its okay said joji miller so congrats on restricting free speech! i guess its funny when brother jed comes but when another guy shows up and says the same thing its the end of the world at the time of publication support for the rule change signaled that students were more comfortable watching the lgbtq community being publicly berated than being challenged on the topic of racism or the complexities of hate speech netflix and drill

last night several thousand aggies gathered at simpson drill field neon glowsticks held aloft to support robert mcintoshs impending litigation and to raise awareness for what has begun to be seen as the systematic oppression of the wealthy and influential at texas a&m the gathering was hastily organized after news broke of mcintoshs escalation from a pretend court to a real court and word spread quickly through the aggie community the protesters trickled in formed an amorphous circle and held their glowsticks high while chanting and singing for several hours robert mcintosh is only the beginning said zane adams a sophomore finance major from southlake this election set a very dangerous and disturbing precedent of holding everyone even the rich and well-connectedaccountablethis is an attack on the freedoms that the wealthy have enjoyed for generations make no mistake the fate of western civilization hangs in the balance of this meaningless collegiate election to others at the vigil mcintoshs disqualification was an opportunity if were gonna be honest here i dont really care about any of this at all said freshman english major sarah mccole however one of the first things i learned at a&m is that you need to be in a perpetual state of outrage or else youll lose the moral high ground now that this is national news siding with robert will be able to feed my ever-growing persecution complex for months to come! after some time mugdown reporters on the scene noticed that a large group on the periphery of the gathering didnt seem to be affiliated with a&m at all my friends and i are just here because this is the closest thing to a rave college station is ever gonna get said local high school student daniel wu i cant say im a huge fan of the setlist though they keep playing some song called ‘we shall overcome and the bass didnt even drop once big brother jed

after much deliberation between president young and the board of regents texas a&m has issued its resolution to the highly contested student body president election between robert mcintosh and bobby brooks entitled resolution 1815 the solution will evenly split the campus between the two administrations dividing it based on who the constituents in each zone of campus support mcintosh will take over policy administration on the west campus while brooks will control the more liberal sections of south and east campus the msc and kyle field will be a neutral zone controlled by an official who will be appointed by former texas a&m student body president rick perry governor perry assured the mugdown that the entire labor force of the department of energy will be working around the clock until the perfect individual is vetted and selected we believe that this is the best solution to appease both sides said president young at a press conference on saturday it caters to each candidates voter base and helps us avoid conflict between people with different opinions the old fashioned way: by drawing a border between them the university has announced plans to construct the aggieland west campus barrier between the two campuses mcintosh has also hired a lawyer to negotiate the demolition of the new student recreational center so that he can build a statue commemorating the underdog victory of the heterosexual white male in an increasingly minority-driven society students will still be able to cross between the zones via the wellborne tunnel provided they meet the visa requirements established by each president for mcintoshs west campus students must provide a receipt detailing the amount of their monthly monetary donation to the gop and for brooks sector students must provide three references from a minority student to prove they are not bigoted president-elect bobby brooks while complying with president youngs resolution vowed to continue the fight to unite campus in a fiery speech friday afternoon i ran a campaign promising to spread diversity throughout this campus; we will not stop the fight to assure that everyone is represented throughout the community ich bin ein bryaner! thus far the resolution has caused a sharp rise in tensions the land that holds sacred sites such as kyle field are disputed territory and recent reports show that mcintosh has already made land grabs into academic plaza sending multiple slackliners and bible study groups into the area to establish settlements on the occupied land other sources have indicated that brooks and president young may be collaborating with the battalion to airdrop leftist propaganda over the wall into west campus students and alumni anxiously await rick perrys announcement of his neutral official hoping that the appointee might be able to ease the tensions threatening a&ms student body foreign enrage student

rick perry head yell leader 72 and 11th runner-up in season 23 of dancing with the stars recently implied that texas a&m student body elections may have been part of a larger russian tampering conspiracy for weeks the public anxiously awaited as rick perry stayed silent on the student elections despite this clearly being a part of his duties as head of the department of energy democrats have been going on and on about election conspiracies with russia said perry in off the cuff remarks as aides anxiously tried to shove nuclear infrastructure documents in front of him while it is absolutely not true regarding russian involvement at the federal level there are no limits to how far down the ballot ‘the powers that be will go to manipulate public opinion even if that public opinion is only 20% of texas a&ms student body for 2 weeks out of each year said the former meat and animal sciences major alarming evidence shared with the mugdown from perrys office reveals that mcintosh would have been successful in his reach for the presidency if not for the machinations of the russian autocrat vladimir putin perrys statement claims that the connection is not entirely clear but that the corruption of the case is extremely apparent first evidence has come out that the student-appointed election commission ignored some of their own rules luckily i was able to spot these from a very unbiased perspective as i have no business in this election whatsoever second the more time i spend investigating this case the more i find undeniable ties to russia i intend to use all of my time and resources to ensure i uncover the exact ties to the putin administration i can see no better use of my national platform than to get involved in this process and third sorry i cannot remember the third thing said perry between lights flickering in perrys office of the 279 billion dollar federal agency perry expressed eagerness to further investigate these election conspiracies and looks forward to the supportive and unified reaction he will receive from his loyal aggie supporters 5k for yell

after recognizing its ability to capture attention from media giants such as the texas tribune cnn and the houston chronicle the battalion realized that it must follow the examples of those outlets to become their contemporary articles must be published that harness opinion as fact and convince the reader there exists only one interpretation of an event this push began when coverage of unethical investments in the permanent university fund by the battalion made national headlines as the attention the battalion received waned reporters were left scrambling to get the freshest story charlie mabury batt reporter and junior communications major said we could only milk the sudan story for so long; i mean i never got tired of reporting on our journalism award but what can you do in the past few months everyone started to show signs of what we call ‘the hunger it has been such a rush moving beyond the latest football game or philanthropy event conveniently in late november the battalion learned of white nationalist richard spencers event on campus seizing the moment the battalion released an article about the visit which was picked up by state news outlets before being relayed nationally as the attention the battalion received waned reporters were left scrambling to get the freshest story student wade peck a senior visualization major believes it was about controlling the narrative the incident would have gone unnoticed as it was organized without the knowledge of any students i didnt even know who richard spencer was until they published that article students could have been banner-holding for his event and i would have never even realized what was going on once hitting the national spotlight the battalion was able to control public opinion about the incident by printing a series of op-eds about the controversy they created in the wake of such monumental coverage since last december many wonder what will happen if another controversy does not arise soon mabury highlighted how desperate the reporters have been getting if something big doesnt stir up soon theyll put me back on movie reviews i cant go back to movie reviews students across campus have a growing concern that the desire for national attention within the battalion has consumed it and that lacking controversy the paper is willing to create it on their own when the battalion creates a controversy they are the only ones with the story said ben mcinnes a junior astrology major dont you see that it was a reporter from the battalion who placed the glow sticks in the video look at the swath of data they had to push the voter intimidation narrative they threw the election to have controversyand clicksthrough all of march other students believe the battalions willingness to break the most exciting story goes even deeper than the recent sbp elections cant you see they invited richard spencer to campus i mean how on earth could they have known he was coming if it was a former student in russia said frank madison a sophomore aled major i bet it was the battalion who passed the article to rick perry knowing his remarks would increase the magnitude of it all they threw the election to have controversyand clicksthrough all of march many students fear that the battalion having learned how to control the narrative and spin events to match their view is now behind the hard-hitting stories people say they should be reporting on gingerbredass & netflix and drill

the comments section of the battalion came alive after students began sharing the leading article in the student newspaper the article in question first openly female student in the corps garnered much debate among students online where the article was shared some students recognized this landmark achievement for what it is while other students protested the rhetoric in the article while women have been allowed membership in the corps of cadets since 1974 kimberly washington is the first openly female cadet in the corps historically women have had to act like men to keep the possibility of a leadership role open for their junior and senior years others decision on behalf of washington highlights a shift in the culture of the corps of cadets and the university as a whole the reporters decision to highlight washington by an unchangeable part of who she is allows others to decide her merit without looking at any indicators of her behavior or performance ever since people decided to focus on my identity they havent gotten to know me for who i am said washington with everyones opinion of me being based off my gender its almost as if i could just put a link to the article on my resume instead of my numerous qualifications across the quad cadets were outspoken about their own personal opinions on the matter and felt entitled to share their take on the issue we could have judged her qualifications and her character to determine what kind of cadet she is said jimmy young a junior mechanical engineering major that just wouldnt have the same effect as judging her from the assumptions i hold based off of her gender identity why would you talk about who someone is when it is much easier to portray them as whatever protected classes they fall under rather than being awestruck about the matter other students were confused about the ordeal i know kimberly and she is a wonderful person; she is so passionate about service and spends her time volunteering at the boys and girls club in bryan said jessica french a classmate of washingtons why isnt the headline ‘normal cadet does something abnormal with her spare time i am positive that kimberly would rather have people know her for the actions that define who she is the battalion saw a massive increase in clicks on their facebook page due to the headline and students enjoyed being allowed the convenience to determine the qualifications of a person based on an unchangeable part of them rather than on the quality of their character in the end some students argued that without focusing on her identity an important achievement in our schools history would have gone unnoticed others feel that her achievements would have been loud enough on their own netflix and drill

texas a&m sophomore jared realto has gone nearly a year and a half without achieving completion the long-suffering sophomore said every time he starts a personal session he is invariably interrupted by a phone call from home its like shes watching me said realto i swear without fail the second i start to get my motor cranked up the screen on my phone swaps over to ‘incoming call from mom realto reports that his mother mainly just wants to talk about stuff and that a normal call will last upwards of 40 minutes with jared realtos total contribution to the conversation being approximately four shame-filled out-of-breath okays its been like this for three semesters now said realto cant she move on doesnt she have other friends i thought i left this problem behind in high school! at press time realto was planning to go out and buy an actual physical playboy magazine like some kind of caveman chophouse sweater burger

college station onlookers were disappointed when they realized jim templeton a sophomore general studies major with an abnormally full beard was completely normal he isnt a rock climber he isnt uniquely quirky he doesnt drive a moped he doesnt play harmonica or some other interesting instrument he doesnt wear eccentric thrift shop clothes he doesnt even own chacos weve literally exhausted all of our options said harrison kim a local authority on facial hair and owner of a well-groomed handlebar moustache jims normalcy was first discovered when he admitted that he did not actually know that super sick under the radar band everyone else was talking about upon further investigation bystanders determined jim was extraordinarily average despite everyones disappointment jims beard has remained intact he has sworn to better hide his mediocracy from now on 5k for yell

communications major and major loser justin sedgewit sunk to new depths of self-depravity last week when he spent too long browsing netflix and had to make a second walk of shame to the microwave i dont know what to say said sedgewit so he didnt sedgewits roommate brian classeris was doing homework nearby and filled in the narrative gaps he had microwaved a few pieces of week-old gumbys pizza said classeris which already had me pretty worried gumbys has a half life of about 33 minutesafter that it solidifies from delicious pizza-lava into crusty igneous rock so justin wasnt off to a great start then he sat down on the couch and started netflix he browsed the netflix catalogue for so long that i was almost able to come up with a clever metaphor to describe it classeris said sedgewit reportedly flipped through his entire personal queue more than five times he even started ‘stranger things twice but shut it off during the opening sequence said classeris ‘stranger things! how can you turn off ‘stranger things… twice! its like the most engrossing show there is! he didnt even make it to the title sequence which is the best part! im pretty sure the first time i heard that synth music my virginity miraculously grew back and i immediately lost it again by making sweet love to the tv after finally deciding to rewatch the third season of archer for the 13th time sedgewit went to take a bite of his pizza and realized it had gone cold again ive never been so saddened by anything in my life was the only comment classeris had to offer watching justin shuffle back to the microwave for the second time was like seeing a puppy with cancer find out his puppy girlfriend had been cheating on him with his abusive father classeris said seeing his roommate sink that low made him rethink his life he has started going to class more reconnected with his estranged sister and almost went for a run meanwhile sedgewit is reportedly still afraid to try new things and is nearing the end of the archer vice season chophouse sweater burger

tragedy struck a texas a&m classroom yesterday afternoon when ecen 214 professor dr samuel miller accidentally wrote 12 a instead of -12 a while solving a problem in his lecture there was a huge uproar said sophomore electrical engineering student leola jackson i thought there was going to be a riot multiple witnesses reported hearing loud shouts from behind classroom walls while in the hallways of the emerging technologies building sources from within the classroom report that the escalating unrest was partially quelled when a student davis watershed corrected miller uh shouldnt that current be negative watershed reportedly said unknowingly preventing a violent outbreak the mugdown reached out to miller for comment but found him in shambles behind his desk rocking back and forth beneath a dimmed and flickering lamp the negative sam…the damn negative said miller university spokesperson marvin lundquist gave a press conference on the matter how anyone could be so stupid as to make a mistake in lecture is beyond me i am appalled to think that we even hired such a moron said lundquist at this institution we pride ourselves on an utterly flawless faculty; students had every right to be incensed at such an asinine goof-up miller has since had his credentials revoked and has been placed on administrative leave until the investigation can be concluded if found guilty miller could be facing exile from the academic community according to the traditional texas a&m punishment forcing him to begin a new career at blinn bacon & ags

the roommate an odd inert creature who passive-aggressively shares living quarters with you this interesting specimen of the human race is known to have several different forms each as baffling as the next for a majority of her time the roommate can be found prone on the couch in your living room watching a third re-run of greys anatomy occasionally the roommate may even be seen mobile leaving helpful post-it notes or only going to class when the whim strikes for most of her life cycle the roommate appears lackadaisical but a strange phenomenon occurs when you first bring home a mate: she suddenly finds a purpose something awakens inside her: hatred before the roommate was unobservant and obtuse now instead of examining her own flaws and shortcomings she expends her waking energy projecting her problems onto your mate if your mate leaves his shoes in the living room next to the six pairs of her own shoes be sure to expect a strongly worded text if he dares to place a glass in the sink among her unwashed dishes it is only natural and justified for her to vacuum at 1:30 am on weekdays should your boyfriend commit the ultimate sin of sitting on her couch the roommates fighting instincts will kick into action what typically follows is a week-long build up of tension ending in an explosive tear-filled fight fueled by her irrational claims over time the roommates aggression will continue to build until finally she ceases to be your roommate as you move out taking your missing clothes from her closet her hatred and purpose fizzles out until she returns to her original state then the cycle begins again with a different unfortunate girl roommates – what fickle creatures they be come and bake it

across campus students have reached the point where they have settled into their unassigned assigned seats for the semester these students who take comfort in the familiarity of their routine seats have come under attack by nomadic students who only come to class on test day and by professors who refuse to defend their claims to those seats the migratory patterns of test day students displace one student from his/her seat and create a chain reaction where students throughout the room are forcefully removed from their usual spots give me my unassigned seat or give me death said construction science major brady albers after being denied aid by his pols 206 professor albers then took the chair out from under the nomadic student and smashed it against the wall other students who have been displaced by the resettlement of students across the room were encouraged by the actions of albers and began to attack those who were in their unassigned seats as well a full-fledged riot began as the students suffering from the displacement drove the nomadic students from the room the clash spread throughout the building and resulted in the arrival of upd to try and contain the rioters within blocker dont tread on my unassigned seat said charlie day a sophomore mathematics major as he directed the students efforts to remove the nomadic test day students from blocker if the administration and teachers meant to help us refuse to do so then we will take matters into our own hands! tweets from the upd indicate that the situation escalated further as the rioters moved from the blocker building southward where the mob was joined by students coming out of every building between blocker and evans library a mix of cheers arose from the mob as it was composed of students who suffered the same abuse albers had endured if our professors and administrators are going to govern and refuse to give us representation then this is our only option we must protect our inalienable right to an unassigned assigned seat said thomas payne a junior history major i have had enough and so have all the others who have endured the same transgressions university officials were able to get a hold on the situation after parsons mounted cavalry rode into the mob of students and dispersed the revolutionary crowd currently the university is still working with upd to dislodge the rebels from inside blocker lil event

a well-run election conducted with integrity and class is a hard thing to come by at texas a&m last week election commissioner rachel keathley ran such an election (with the exception of the disqualification of the mugdownsad) in the wake of such a fair election the student body has understandably lashed out at rachel for having the gall to perform her job as instructed to do upset that an election commissioner would perform her job with some personal integrity members of various campaigns have come to see keathley not as a person but as a punching bag to vent their frustrations through the mugdown recently spotted keathley bobbing and weaving through a crowd adorned with campaign shirts who were throwing out more than just punches you think you know what intimidation looks like said one protester ill show you intimidation! keathley aware of the perils involved in defying the machine as election commissioner has been unfazed by the punches as she had been preparing for the backlash election commissioner is pretty much the only job that you can do perfectly and with a lot of integrity and still have everyone hate you in the end said keathley its literally on the application i have known that something like this was going to happen so i hired someone to punch me in the face every single morning ive built up a pretty good tolerance to pain by this point the mobs of angry protestors however have been undeterred by keathleys lack of response to being senselessly punched in the face who does she think she is said an anonymous member of chi-o when asked about the election results where did all this new army ‘doing your job well and ‘having integrity crap come from everyone knows that the machine is supposed to win we have god on our side and the election commissioner should know that its her job to fudge the facts so that gods will can be done keathley expects things to get worse over the next week regardless of whether or not robert wins or loses his judicial court appeal mugdown staff

it was a typical election night in aggieland until we saw the alert that robert mcintosh had been disqualified from the student body president race for multiple counts of voter intimidation at the mugdown where truth is of little value we saw that robert had been compromised by unsavory videos of roberts campaign allegedly engaging in voter intimidation previously we had not endorsed any of the candidates but faced with this injustice our staff has decided to send robert help in any way we can we think that the alleged violations are egregious and likely fabricated to disparage roberts good name by supporters of known rapscallion bobby brooks despite our previous rhetoric the mugdown cares deeply about fair play much like our unforgettable president earl rudder that is why we must vigorously protest these 205 allegations immediately robert is an extremely qualified attractive and intelligent candidate who knows an enormous amount of people and is very familiar with all of the election bylaws do you really think such an adept individual would commit such blatant campaign violations in full view of bobby brooks see the message that is right before your eyes bobby thinks that we are all stupid he wants us to think that everything is okay robert mcintosh would never resort to intimidation of voters or of say a satirical newspaper he would never try to demand votes or hold the writers of a satirical newspaper hostage until they say nice things about him the claims submitted to the election council are trivial at best as for the video evidence one can easily see that those were silent videos of students talking to each other which can easily be manipulated lets stop beating around the bush bobby brooks stole this election and he wont stop at the presidency if democracy at a&m is to survive we must resist this encroachment of our freedom please help he has our families big brother jed

after months of being reminded of their oppression aggie men have decided to do something this campaign season while the top student leaders are selected over the course of the semester 2017-2018 student body president senior class president and corps commander have now all been selected likewise the yell leader positions have remained a stronghold for male student representation through another successful campaign season we are seeing a strong showing within our top student leadership positions but its good to see that men are still performing strongly in other roles on campus said richard hoffman director of elect him an organization that encourages men to use their so-called privilege to run for positions of authority as these top student leaders move forward in selecting their teams we are excited to see many of our future candidates start to be selected when asked about the role that gender plays in a persons qualifications to run for elected positions hoffman clarified that some roles were just made for men while we were all created equal we were made for different purposes i would never expect a woman to do my job but i think they offer some incredible skills that we can definitely use as part of our team the website for elect him justifies their success in electing male student leaders by citing that men make up a majority of campus51% exactlyand should have more say in who represents their interests sophomore university studies major lance jones confirmed that he does not vote based on gender to me it doesnt matter whether youre a man or womani just want student leaders to be relatable i see a bit of myself in the candidates this year; none of them seem to be bossy or pretentious later in the interview lance indicated that he feels that student leaders should be confident and determined erring away from candidates who may be seen as too caring or soft when asked for a comment on the election results texas a&m marketing reported that they are disappointed and described the result as a missed pr opportunity for international womens day coming up on march 8th

on wednesday february 15th senior anthropology major justin creed decided to take a bold stand regarding his future creed purposefully strutted across the seal in koldus with all the zeal of a tourist group around prime traffic time he then took the display of brazen disregard for his graduation one step further and decided to moonwalk back across for good measure students silently looked on horrified sga held a moment of silence for the event at 7:17 if you ask me it was appalling said junior political science major henry samuelson although no one asked him if he was that nervous about the future he should have gotten a useful degree like the rest of us according to legend if a student walks across any school seal on tamus campus he or she will never graduate some argue that this curse only applies to the seal in the academic building; most are unwilling to risk it sources closest to creed have made the case that it was his only option creed like most graduating seniors had come to the difficult realization that the world is a cold cruel place outside of college stations warm aggie family the career fair had only produced six dead-end interviews for creed he had no clue an internship was necessary at some point in his college career and arriving at the second semester of his senior year he realized he had no hope of surviving in the real world i have a meal plan housing and a full ride i would be a fool to actually graduate that is why i handled the situation with great maturity what is waiting for me out there a job yeah right ive really only ever wanted to scuba anyway said creed creed is now working on a new set of goals for his future including taking all of the kine 199 classes a&m has to offer memorizing all of the bus time tables and making an a in a class metta world pizza

it is mid-afternoon in the wildlands of northside campus (colloquially known as the engineering corner): it is chilly out yet still…this curious creature has insisted on short sleeves and cargo shorts for the day at least his feet are warm with those thick white ankle socks stuffed into black reeboks but above all else one distinct feature of the creatures plumage is most striking; no not the facial hair hiking south on the neck like a brave pioneer but rather the tee shirt itself for on it lies a sage quip: dont talk to me before my coffee clothing is a great way to express yourself a colorful fitbit shows that you are sporty yet laid back a shirt that reads free sarcastic comments! shows that you have a charitable heart and love to bring a smile to others faces out of all the students pressed for comment only one possessed the social aptitude to respond sarcasm is my love language but dont talk to me before my coffee said brad benton a senior mechanical engineering major silence is golden but duct tape is silver graphic tees have won almost universal acclaim from both those who wear them and those who refuse to stoop so low wearing graphic tees has actually been proven to slow social interaction to nearly zero said dr tom green an anthropology professor at texas a&m this is either because they literally say ‘dont talk to me or because the people who wear them usually just suck anyway though graphic tees have seen a seemingly unopposed rise to high fashion there are still some who seek the ruin of such beautiful artistic expression there is no better way to establish yourself as an unreliable narrator than by wearing a shirt that literally claims nothing you say is serious said nancy tran a sophomore nutrition major you are what you wear and when what you wear tells me you like coffee one day but sleep the other what am i supposed to believe bacon & ags

it is time to sign up for the big event and many students are finding themselves in a stressful situation while those who are heavily involved have abundant choices of groups to sign up with other aggies struggle the big event allows for students to do community service alongside their fellow organization members roommates friends distant acquaintances and that guy you met that one time while many students garner multiple big event invites proudly gleaming their over-involvement through the costly dilemma of who to sign-up with there is a marginalized group of students who struggle with the obligation honor of serving at big event contrasted with their lack of social life and uninvolvement lin manchester an amateur netflix critic who is apparently involved in nothing comments on the stigma around the big event every year there is so much pressure to find a group its even harder than finding friends to pull football tickets with said manchester the big event saw the growing trend and decided to put together a singles group for the students who are uninvolved and/or unconnected big event director dalton harris commented on the innovative idea i think weve really hit something here uninvolved aggies no longer have the pressure of producing groups they can now congregate together in a safe space with minimal name dropping said harris who knows maybe theyll even start their own organization! sign-ups for this group fittingly opened on february 14th and will continue until friday when all big event sign-ups close 5k for yell

referring to him as a musical genius and a modern-day mozart friends of junior environmental studies major dillon cantlon are praising his musical gift of crafting the perfect playlist for any occasion cantlons roommate joseph lopez recalls a party that was totally lit thanks to cantlons savant-like understanding of the intricacies of music imagine this: ‘pursuit of happiness comes on were all singing along all of a sudden plot twistits the steve aoki remix said lopez it was poppin man then suddenly it ripped into gas pedal and all the chicks were on the walls lopez became way too smashed to remember the rest of the nights soundtrack but is pretty sure he heard forgot about dre at some point cantlons parents recognized his talent early in his childhood and encouraged him to pursue his passion for curating music we always knew he was interested in music but when he burned a cd for our family road trip when he was 11 we realized that he was on another level said diane cantlon the playlist was upbeat and excited at first then trailed off into some relaxing driving songs cantlon made a name for himself as a freshman when he made the perfect road trip cd for his flo: a mix of familiar throwbacks current hits and a token gangster rap song he has since fulfilled requests for workout playlists study jams and breakup mixes ive got big plans for this semester said cantlon valentines day may have passed but everyone is still going to need the perfect dateand post-datesoundtracks hit up @cantmaster_flash if you want some beats for the sheets! cantlon has been scouting the charts for his spring break mix and has already received requests for chilifest war hymnal

trigger warning: valentines privilege is discussed below a new wave of progressivism has swept across campus as students are beginning to check one anothers privilege in regards to valentines day this movement seeks to change the societal criterion that valentines day can only be celebrated by people in relationships students across campus protested those who are already privileged enough to have someone and believe they should not be rewarded for what has been handed to them among all protesters is the belief that if not everyone can celebrate it then why is it a holiday some students went as far as labeling it a fake holiday created by marketing companies to generate revenue and incorporate consumerism into our love lives on campus it was easy to find students more than willing to offer their opinion on the matter who even has the money for valentines day said barney tillerson senior economics major the average college student is poor and cant afford such luxury i walked into target saw the valentines day display and literally began shaking did no one stop to ask how this would make me feel other students were more upset with the premise of valentines day itself rather than the limited scope of its celebrants if i cant be confident in my own independence then couples shouldnt be allowed to be happy around me said margery fellow a junior general studies major when we were in grade school we brought valentines for everyone i dont see that happening now; we need equality and university officials who will support redistribution of valentines to historically single individuals several protesters felt as if the colors tied to the holiday needed a trigger warning the main color used to represent valentines day is red which can serve to trigger violent memories or pink which should be replaced by a gender neutral color said wilbur steins a senior agriculture systems major those in relationships disagreed with the movement being in a relationship wasnt something that was given to us susan and i have worked hard to overcome difficulties that weve faced being together said adam wass a junior rpts major i dont understand how someone can think people in relationships are born into them or are a product of some implicit bias we have towards being in one we just want a day where we can have fun and celebrate being together the days events escalated when a newly engaged couple under the century tree had their safe space assaulted by nearby protesters the couple was reportedly forced to apologize for their privilege of having a valentine and for their explicit and heart-centered obedience to our corporate overlords – netflix & drill and lil event

as the semester comes to a close students have become noticeably less motivated to put effort into promoting their organizational events for decades banners have been the flagship method for spreading the word around campus however controversy has arisen over the old-fashioned approach and many are calling for change students have long complained about the inconvenient amount of time they have to spend passing out flyers and holding banners in the weeks prior to their events recently some innovative organizations have remedied this problem by utilizing the extensive network of foreign exchange students at texas a&m brian hirsh the head director of one of the obscure new mens organizations on campus noticed the reluctance to sign up for banner shifts early on at the beginning of the semester we had no problem getting our members to go out and promote events with banners we would just play ‘closer by the chainsmokers on repeat and we were fine but even that stopped working so we had to try something new brian decided to hire a translator and venture into the foreign language department where he was able to recruit eleven foreign exchange students to rotate through the banner shifts it has worked out fantastically! im able to get them to show up to their shift on time with only 60% of the effort i had to use for our actual members! members of organizations across campus are thrilled with the new method i just joined a sorority to get drunk and meet frat guys said kathryn calhoun a sophomore member of zeta tau alpha i couldnt care less about promoting awareness for some charity i only sign up for shifts because i dont want my parents to get fined and i want to be able to go to my formal some groups have gone as far as outsourcing the physical construction of the banners to foreign students as well we have a pretty good system going so far said cory mayer a member of bca we usually send the banners to the engineering students first so they can assemble the pvc pipes and tie the tablecloth to the supports then we have the industrial distribution students transport it to the liberal arts office where their students compose the content and design the artwork the finished product goes to the communications majors where theyre able to practice their english while promoting our event the new system has caught on well but with recent uncertainty surrounding access to foreign labor many students foresee a decline in the foreign labor force at the university despite this student leaders are not too worried college students have a knack for finding the easy way out foreign enrage student

the mugdown continues a rich tradition of satirical publications at texas a&m cushing library and archive houses copies of satirical publications produced by students from as early as 1916 the article below is reprinted from an issue of the buttalion released on april fools day in 1957 sixty years may have passed but it seems some things dont change dr jack c cowhound big dog in the school of horizontal engineering barked out at engineering professors friday for not flunking enough students on quizzes this semester cowhound speaking before a gathering of hen house profs at the chicken farm told them that there is no such thing as an intelligent student we must make students learn that they have to boot-lick to get a degree in engineering he said smiling the atmosphere of the meeting got worse as some chickens flew from their coops and landed among the profs slapping an old hen from his head and wiping his face off dr r a birdseye head of the industrious engineering department flatly defied cowhound today is friday he said with rage members of the press quickly jotted down his stirring word rc crank head of airplane engines quickly agreed: youre right birdseye he said picking up an egg just laid by a nearby hen cowhound wouldnt let these insulting remarks go by he threatened to send both men to chancellor tt herringbone both men looked at each other with fear in their eyes one reached down and scratched the feathers on his leg they knew that this meant only one thing herringbone would turn his little dog fritz on them what a way to go they said with an almost inaudible tone with these two traitors out of the way cowhound continued his reprimand i want at least 75 percent of the students to flunk at the end of this year he said flunk all of the athletes first weve got to follow the lead of the school of tarts and seances cowhound said that the dean of that school dr aeroplane thought it was a good time of the year to flunk athletes he emphasized that he was not an athletic supporter in conclusion cowhound stressed the professors duties to their profession its an honor to be an a&m professor lets live up to the honor and flunk as many students as possible we want quantity not quality the buttalion staff 1957

chad adams an economics student at texas a&m and proud pickup truck owner since 2011 has been anticipating an opportunity to use his truck to haul something ever since he bought it after spending $40 000 on his chevy silveradoand $15 000 more modifying ithe expressed his excitement about an opportunity to get his moneys worth by helping his friend move i spent over 50k on my truck tons more on gas and have driven it for 5 years said adams its nice to know that my parents money was well spent now that ive helped my friend move a piece of furniture down the block to his new house last friday adams showed up to his friend derek turners house ready to help together derek and chad lifted a dresser several feet up into the bed of chads truck which had previously been used solely to transport up to twelve of his intoxicated fraternity brothers at a time to and from parties it was awesome of chad to bring his truck and help me out said turner if he had not been around i would have had to ask one of the fifteen or twenty other guys i know who own trucks for help or spend thirty bucks on a u-haul i think everyone should use their truck to move something at least once said adams when asked whether he would consider hauling more things in the future but thats probably the last time ill be hauling anything for a while it wasnt easy lifting the dresser those extra 3 feet into my raised bed and it definitely left some scratches that ill need to get buffed out adams confirmed that he continues to be happy with his decision to purchase and use an expensive truck in college rather than something more practical he also insisted that his overhead spotlights and 36 inch tires are essential for traversing the rugged college station terrain for the time being adams will return to revving his engine loudly at 6 am and leaving plumes of black smoke at busy crosswalks teenage music gig ‘em turtles

a version of this article was first published in the august 2016 print edition of the mugdown so you want to be student body president huh most students are asking themselves questions like can i wash my maroons with my whites or how many days can i safely go without brushing my teeth but not you youre asking how can i talk at as many aggie moms clubs fish camps and sga impeachment trials as physically possible well lucky for you the mugdown has formulated a point system to find if you are student body president material! now that you know the requirements of being student body president here is how to position yourself so youll be ready for your future campaign lets begin this is texas a&m so you better be christian if you expect to get anywhere in student politics but you cant be too christian theres a fine line you have to walk people who are too christian come in two varieties: those who are too nice so no one takes them seriously and those who are too judgmental be comfortable throwing some god talk into your daily life so others will know that youre a christian but it should be a side dish not an entrée the entrée should be a&m talk make sure that you talk about a&m like its a religion but again not too aggressively nobody likes the im too redass for my own good guy dont go overly into 2%ers good bull or the bevel because you want people to recognize you as a positive person always talk about a&m in a vaguely inspirational way sprinkling in the stock phrases about the aggie spirit and inclusivity you dont have to believe that a&m is inclusive you just have to extoll that it is this is a case of good ol maroon double think™ you will need to get used to this: be humble but pompous everyone needs to know how great you are and how humble you are about it be outgoing but not too outgoing be inclusive but make sure to exclude people so you can be the one that is shining your favorite tradition is muster or silver taps this is non-negotiable flip a coin if you cant choose now that youre on campus start meeting people! everyone is a try-hard the first few weeks so you can get away with being extra aggressive you should aim to meet a minimum of 10 people per day if you are in a dorm double that and try to get out of your dorm you need to be meeting people from all areas of campus become involved! you can see which organizations are valuable and which are not make sure you get into a top tier flo you need to be in a top tier flo and well-liked by the staff of that flo second semester parlay your top tier flo into a good-hearted organization with some prestige and sga members some examples include: muster host big event staff build tell your story host this type of organization will give you the connections you need to get into your next organization if you are a girl join a top tier womans organization and then join every other good organization youre going to need it we may have a woman sbp right now but dont think this is normal if you want to be sbp you need to work your ass off you cant coast by on your good hair like the men can if you are a guy you need to go to at least three date parties your first semester it will be easy to get invited just befriend some girls by being outgoing and not creepy/looking to date every girl you come in contact with the first date party should be with a girl you were friends with in high school this way youll already know your date and you wont be too nervous this is a safe one if you dont have many high school friends at a&m i hope fish camp went really well the second date party should be with a girl you befriended in the first two weeks of school this is a little higher stakes if you messed up the first party by being drunk didnt dance or hitting on a girl you werent supposed to then this party needs to be at a different sorority the third date party you go to should be a formal or semiformal this one needs to be with one of the first two sororities gotta build that base pope francis demonstrates poor mastery of the gig ‘em technique no limp gigs chuck noris executes a gig ‘em worthy of a sbp candidates campaign photo you need a stellar profile picture this will help when applying to organizations and when you get facebook stalked you need to upgrade from that prom picture into a fun college memory the picture needs to be somewhat unplanned (ie no photoshoots) but you still need to look perfect one of you with for example one other person at a football game is always a good bet this picture also needs to have a ton of likes gilbert leadership conference or bust if you dont make gilbert your chances are significantly diminished dont screw it up kid make sure you find a mentor early the mentor should be at least a junior and of the same gender (dont want anything too scandalous for your christian base) they should live in a cute house in the historic district and be involved in at least two influential organizations meet up with them for a coffee date or some other intentional experience afterwards you should describe the person using christian terms like how you grow well with them or that you have a full heart after you click with them click with their roommates work your way out through their social circles these shouldnt be your main friends but they need to think that youre cool enough to be groomed you need someone one class year above you that will hook you up with an sbp cabinet position your junior year establish your inner circle make friends in your flo or first prestige organization that will be your support system make sure that you are the center of this group make sure youre the center of every group with your inner circle make sure that they branch out into other organizations and become the key figures there that way you can have powerful pools of support to draw upon make sure your inner circle is inviting but exclusive at the same time enforce this by taking a fun and adventurous trip over christmas break make sure your social media reflects how close you guys are remember to always be yourself unless you are not naturally an extremely image conscious attention-seeker then be a different version of yourself good luck! have we mentioned that were running for student body president… and class president… and student senate… and for literally everything else this election day write-in the mugdown! learn more at our campaign website:

this past year we have seen texas a&m athletics continue to make immense strides towards becoming a national force to be reckoned with and witnessed extraordinary successes from our track and field baseball soccer swimming and diving teams and many more with national recognition comes a surge of new recruits eager to step into their roles as figureheads by which we express our school spirit i was thrilled when i was officially asked to come play for texas a&m said incoming freshman point guard malcolm byers in an interview this past tuesday i cant wait to be completely ignored in the hallways aside from the occasional sneaky snapchat or surprise selfie in high school people are constantly trying to be my friend because i am good at basketball now i dont have to worry about anyone trying to have a real conversation with me at all! byers went on to say that he had always wanted to be a figurehead for a major university where he would not be asked to join any organizations (unless they thought it would give them good publicity) it is relaxing to only get support once a week said byers some past top-tier recruits weighed in on their experiences as well the aggie family is truly incredible and i have loved watching it from a distance all these years said senior wide receiver ethan canin they do these funny choreographed yells and a couple times a game they even sang us a song! canin vaguely remembers a single day during his freshman year where a group of guys in white came by the locker room and explained something about the yells but was told that it would not matter in the long run because he probably would not make any friends outside of the football team our athletes are a huge part of our university during their respective seasons said junior sports marketing major ethan williams its always a blast attending their games and giving them our undying love and support then going back to school the next day and complaining about the special treatment they get in classes we have a unique relationship with our athletes; neither party interacts unless they mess up in a game and were bashing them on twitter despite this popular sentiment one student had a different opinion on the matter i think that the athletes would enjoy their time here a lot more if the student body made an effort to include them in our activities whether it is extending an invitation to one of our organizational events or just inviting them out for lunch they shouldnt be left out of the family atmosphere that weve created here said freshman psychology major john mcelroy he went on to admit that while he thought this was a good idea he was really busy with his own group of friends and mumbled something about them having too much practice anyways for now athletes will continue to admire from afar the aggie familys ability to foster a positive accepting environment for students from every different background regardless of color class or creed foreign enrage student

following a semester of skipped classes chick-fil-a rogue flo all-nighters and too much damn fuego every freshman must face the harsh reality of their second semester after three and a half months of bright-eyed and bushy-tailed oblivion many returning freshmen spiral into what is notoriously known as the mid-fish crisis: the realization that being a freshman is the hardest life will ever get we caught up with several students suffering from this condition so that awareness can be spread across campus phyllis wood a freshman communications major was eager to share her thoughts oh my gosh said wood being a freshman is so so hard my bus ride from the msc to callaway is almost 15 minutes long and i only got a 375 gpa last semester im literally struggling so hard we also had a moment to catch up with engineering-turned-general studies major gary gonzales do have any idea how hard it is to build a robot while being a pledge asked gonzales i cant think of anything more challenging than balancing my responsibilities between my fraternity and other organizations while also taking theater history and math 141 after many attempts we were unable to secure an interview with a corps fish this should be a wake up call to texas a&m and a reminder for all to be kind to the affected freshmen in their lives because you never know when someone is out of meal trades koldus & cream

over winter break the texas a&m football team quietly released one of their players who was an unfortunate victim of sexual assault in late november while out at northgate the athletic department justified their actions by stating that student reactions to the event would only hamper the prevention and discussion of sexual assault on campus we want to avoid a situation where students create an uproar before forgetting it entirely and thinking theyve accomplished something said an unnamed athletic official frankly losing the player is worth not having to deal with the smugness of students thinking they addressed a major issue on campus the university backed the departments decision because students have the collective memory of goldfish changing the seal misbehavior in the student senate and that time the mugdown put down all those signs out are examples of such reactions said aaron reynolds a university spokesman in those cases a problem on campus came to light but the only thing to come from the uproar was actually preventing any real discussion or change from occurring it would be one thing if students actually brought real change but instead after a week of self-righteousness they give themselves a pat on the back and move on when interviewed about the issue several students seemed uncomfortable about discussing the subject or said they were too busy to give the topic the attention it deserves sexual assault is a problem on campus and had one of our athletes a member of the aggie family been attacked then i would have fought to end this issue said freshman biology major gerald west however the unfortunate assault of just a student on campus cant distract from the current issue our student body is fighting which is the small variety of dining issues on campus with student body president election drama coming soon the university could even decide to take reveille off the field during football games and we would be too distracted to notice said ryan spoetzl a junior finance major sexual assault is a pretty deep topic and if it really is such a problem the administration should be the ones to fix it i just ride the emotion wave with everyone else netflix and drill

it is a well known fact that the most important day in any young aggies life is the day they turn 21 ring day and graduation pale in comparison to the feeling of being able to legally consume alcohol it is only right that such a monumental event is commemorated by proper celebration however with the excitement over cover charges and fake ids being gone you may forget crucial details thankfully the mugdown is here to help you plan the perfect party with some quick tips on turning 21 1 the e-mail the only email from the university that matters as soon as you receive your 21st birthday email be sure to take part in the time honored tradition of posting it on every form of social media just like the rest of the emails that a&m sends you do not bother reading it it only contains boring information concerning your safety and the dangers of binge drinking make sure to crop the sad part out before posting it 2 the facebook event the second step to party planning is the invitations create a facebook event group with all the details regarding your drunken ascension into adulthood try to invite as many people as possible so you seem more popular than you really are while still making sure to passive aggressively withhold invites from certain people like that bitch from your flo as the party gets closer have your friends post embarrassing photos of you so the guests continue to get notifications (bonus points if they were taken while you were under the influence) do not forget to say byob 3 the pregame have a picture backdrop for your guests 21-shaped balloons and a lit playlist for the perfect pregame aesthetic try to enjoy the party and overlook the fact that the three hours spent cleaning and decorating will be wasted 30 minutes into it this is also your one shot to get nice photos of you and your friends before you become too belligerent do not post any photos yet; see step 5 4 northgate just try not to get arrested okay 5 the day after waking up and being stuck in bed for the next few hours is the sign of a night well done if your phone is not full of texts asking if you are still alive you did not party hard enough if you cannot remember all that happened be sure to look back at your friends snapchat stories to help clear up your memory even if your birthday was not a success you can still trick your friends on social media into thinking it was make sure to post a photo of you with a caption such as cheers to 21 years or the well-loved classic twenty-fun if you are more unique and quirky post your photo with an inside joke and make those not at the party confused and jealous most of all try not to think about how the night of your 21st birthday was full of regret and no different than any other night of the year lets be honest youve been drinking since your first gig em week lil event

yesterday evening chancellor john sharp announced that the board of regents has voted to relocate student disability services previously in cain hall before being relocated to white creek to the galveston campus in its place a lazy river will be constructed in a circuit around west campus with convenient stops at the new cain hall hotel northgate and the bush library access to the governor rick perry ‘72 lazy river™ will be restricted to the members of the texas a&m foundation who have contributed at least one million dollars to the university it is expected to be used to complement the new luxury hotel and parking garage built after the demolition of cain hall while we are aware that this may pose an inconvenience to those who use student disability services regularly sharp said we receive more money from donors than we do from our disabled students as a university that prides ourself on our excellency in the stem fields we must do the simple math and come to the conclusion that more money is better than less money sharp went on to announce that a small shed on the beach had been requisitioned as the new location for student disability services we think that will be more than enough room to do whatever is they do over there said sharp for ease of access it was announced that student transportation services much lauded for their occasional timeliness would be running a weekly shuttle between the college station and galveston campuses the shuttle will leave from the msc at 8:00 am every monday morning and return at 4:00 pm assuming that the tide is out for those students who have classes during that time slot the board of regents recommends simply transferring to the galveston campus big brother jed this article was first published in our print edition released on january 30th 2017 pick up a copy in the msc evans quadbucks sbisa or wehner by friday february 3rd!

seen walking to class last friday in a t-shirt depicting two kittens riding a unicorn through space texas a&m junior andrea mendez caught the attention of a few other pedestrians with her unique style choice she says this happens often and has spent much of her college career honing in on the most unique personal style that she and all of her friends can embrace mendez is known across campus for perfectly capturing an ironically-ugly-yet-somehow-cool-and-confident fashion that few can master yet everyone seems to have adopted this often takes shape in a variety of outfits she has precisely constructed and meticulously planned in order to give off a carefree vibe her most well-known pieces include a slightly-baggy overalls and converse combination accessories like bucket hats fanny packs and animal socks and the occasional multicolored windbreaker but you have to be careful said mendez when describing her technique for uniqueness you have to choose the right occasion to wear ironically silly clothes and you cant take it too far big-little reveal yes but wear plenty of makeup so people know you are still pretty underneath that nightgown formal clearly not but if you can find the right dress to pair with converse you could increase your edgy image bonus points for nose piercings her go-to places to shop include the walmart t-shirt section goodwill if she is desperate and amazon which she often just calls my moms closet in order to make sure people know her ‘90s wear is authentic mendez says the best way to know if you have attained this incredibly distinct style is to post an instagram picture of yourself in an outfit said mendez if at least one comment reads ‘silly girlie !!!! then you know you have made it corpus escort

in an email sent to all management information systems students the mis department announced that it has done away with the isys prefix for its courses effective fall 2017 all classes previously labelled isys will now be labeled istm isys classes were subject to some controversy due to sharing a pronunciation with the terrorist organization isis what do you think im worried that the power vacuum left by isys will contribute to further destabilization of the region between isys demise and engineerings illegal settlement of the west campus a&m is laying the groundwork for a more extremist regime to gain a foothold craig howard senior studying political science with a minor in facebook commenting i already feel safer on campus patricia erickson sophomore studying wooden cabinet design isys was just a spinoff of mis relabeling them istm doesnt stop the real threat tyler price junior studying pumpkin patch marketing im tired of the board of regents changing all of our sacred traditions like its nothing brenda edwards senior studying innovative stair construction i thought we already killed bin laden roman gill freshman studying election engineering i like to think that somehow legalizing concealed carry is what led to this abigail mccarthy sophomore studying pizza hut architecture

winter break can be an exciting and busy time for many students attending texas a&m there are brief study abroad trips old high school friends to see résumés to be updated minimesters to sob over et cetera for most students it is a time of peace without the burden of education looming over their shoulder when returning to college station the pressure of social commitments and putting together a completely new schedule weighs heavily on the populous the typical greeting of howdy! is replaced with what did you do over break trevor blanch a senior accounting major stands among the few to hold true to our core value of integrity meh i kinda just scrolled through my friends instagrams and watched a lot of house of cards said blanch when asked how he spent his four weeks this is a far cry from the typical response akin to i bungee jumped in south africa on average blanch spent nine hours a day lying on his couch pretending to be asleep when his mom would call him to help her with literally anything if he was not on the couch blanch could be found looking out his window thinking of the glory days of high school blanch went on to say i get that i could have been more productive and spun this time as an educational opportunity or whatever but sometimes seeing other people doing cool things makes me feel like im doing cool things without spending the money blanch plans to continue his respite this coming may metta world pizza

after wednesdays frustrating loss to k-state aggie football players decided to move past their dissatisfaction and end the season on a more uplifting note during thursday mornings team meeting players reminisced on the highs and lows of this past season and shared thoughtful notes with each other: nice things nice things is a tradition many fish camps flos and other organizations use to look back at the year and the mugdown was able to retrieve several highlights of the nice things shared among the current players: josh reynolds thank you for not picking track over football -quarterback well thatll be the last time a k-state player ever teabags you again -defensive tackle teach me how to do a one-handed catch i cant even catch with two hands -wide receiver myles garrett have fun at the browns -running back you look damn good in a cowboy hat -safety can i have your headband collection when youre gone -kicker trevor knight im going to miss dropping your passes -wide receiver can i have your biceps when youre gone -kicker keith ford i was a chevy guy until i met you -offensive lineman daeshon hall please join me at the browns -defensive end christian kirk i dont watch star trek but youll always be ‘captain kirk in my eyes -full back connor mcqueen how do you get your hair to be that perfect -quarterback why do the fans chant your name instead of mine anytime i take the field -quarterback dont leave me here alone i love you -quarterback good bullogna

yesterday evening during a routine drill of one-upping your friends with your own problems two students got more than they were bargaining for at 7:00 pm jason dominguez and sandra baldwin met with junior bims major alison chen in the annex to prepare for an upcoming biochemistry final dominguez started off the study session by describing how he was totally screwed in all of his classes and that he will almost certainly be losing all of his scholarships baldwin then interjected to inform dominguez that while his week had been unpleasant she was going to get a 30 on the upcoming final had been awake for 25 hours straight and had been recently found out she is sensitive to gluten certain that her tale of misery could not possibly topped baldwin then turned to chen and asked hows your week been going amid piles of papers and scrawled equations chen answered though we have not been able to get an actual quote of the horrors that followed our investigators have received information that chen is somehow bearing the weight of a continuum of problems unparalleled by any other student on this campus or any other at time of press no testimony is available from baldwin and dominguez whenever either was asked about what chen has said to them they avoided direct answers or refused to speak entirely there are truths no one should hear said dominguez in a police interview eyes focusing on some faraway point ideas no mind should hold i thought that i was miserable…i thought i had a lot of finals was taking too many hours had meetings deadlines…please do not ask me about this again at 7:28 pm security camera footage captured dominguez and baldwin leaving the study room walking a short distance down the hallway and then falling unconscious on the floor they were promptly evacuated to a local hospital where they woke 12 hours later at precisely the same time while they appear to be unchanged physically both of the students appear to have been changed on a deeper level spending much of their time staring ahead blankly and only rarely speaking doctors have requested that hospital visitors do not bring in any schoolwork and that terms such as online homework labs and exams be strictly prohibited when speaking with the victims of chens misery this occurrence repeated several times when groups of students with later reservations entered chens study room after a group sent by tamu pd to investigate was found collapsed on the ground a task force sent by the cdc arrived earlier this afternoon and sealed chens study room shut before evacuating the entire annex fearing that chen would spread her hazardous burdens further we would like to urge all students and faculty to avoid evans library and the annex until the crisis has been resolved in addition finals week has been declared an informational hazard and should be avoided in all conversations for those in need of medical alcohol beutel will be dispensing shots of taaka throughout finals week big brother jed

many look at their day today and find their social calendaras well as their social-activist calendarfilled to the brim with potential ways to spend the evening check out our top 7 ways for you to show your friends how totally not racist you are! no 1 aggies united attend a free concert listening to the easy non-confrontational rhythms of ben rector! this event will also feature president michael k young attempting to counter racist narratives at texas a&m by rapping his most recent emails to the tune of lin manuel mirandas hamilton no 2 protest richard spencer at texas a&m for those looking to get their daily dose of exercising first amendment rights be sure to hydrate stretch and pace yourself caution: do not feed the trolls options include: (a) #btho hate protest in rudder plaza (b) ags against white nationalism lecture (c) silent protest group at rudder tower (d) protest music at rudder (non-amplified instruments welcome to join) (e) make racists afraid again protest (f) houston socialist movement to shut down neo-nazi platform (g) some of those other things you were invited to on facebook probably no 3 challenging the right to be racist on campus for aggies who are more #woke than an air-horn alarm clock and 3 shots of espresso this event is put on by the liberal arts college they are trying their hand at being relevant and valued at texas a&m no 4 counter the counter-protests confuse everyone with grammatical double negatives be prepared for a group to counter your counter to the counter protests no 5 breakaway seek shelter in the christian bubble yes this is still happening no better way to prove you are not a bigot than by making disciples of all nations even the black ones no 6 find your 15 minutes of fame nows your chance to make it on cnn or fox news! hover around the media area today in order to give your two cents on white supremacy youve already told your friends that youre not racist but now is your opportunity to make sure millions know be careful! one misstep and you could end up alongside the listeater in the aggie meme hall of fame no 7 post about it but stay home! while you could have put those 2 500 words towards your term paper were sure your facebook friends enjoyed your #hottaek on contemporary race-relations and the response of university administrators you did your part so enjoy your personal ve-day as you rewatch season 1 of the man in the high castle 5k for yell & north by northgate editors note: regardless of what you choose to do with your evening every eventeven netflixwill be finished in time for silver taps this evening: join us in honoring a fellow aggie at silver taps tonight at 10:30pm in academic plaza

ap beutel health center the place where everything is made up and your health doesnt matter™ has recently received an overwhelming influx of students complaining of various illnesses likely due to the new inability to q-drop classes and the rapid approach of finals dont tell anyone but when i went to beutel i was not even sick i got super drunk the night before and i had a massive hangover plus i had a test i didnt study for and i needed more time said angelica gleason a junior english major who was not aware she was being interviewed until halfway through actually i went because i had this really bad cough and i didnt want to spread this to my other classmates yeah thats why i went the majority of students leaving beutel give similar excuses due to this rise in admittance beutel has decided to ramp up efforts to meet the needs of the students student health services has made plans to install a fast pass line in beutel for students whose symptoms are not very severe and just need an excuse to get out of class the process is simple: just print out the form attached below fill it out and go into the beutel fastpass line to receive an excused absence form by implementing this new system beutel hopes not only to expedite the process of skipping class but also to improve their reputation among the student body this makes me actually want to step foot in beutel now that i know it wont take me three hours to get a sick form said martin guyer a sophomore construction science major the fastpass line will become active december 7th just in time for final exams mission trippin

while many students recently made the difficult decision to q-drop their classes due to poor test performances lack of attendance and other general failures as college students one aggie has confidently remained enrolled in spite of dire circumstances dennis parker freshman engineering major is eagerly awaiting a massive curve on his final grade parker scoffed when he saw how many of his peers had dropped from his calculus class they are all overreacting if you ask me said parker who scored an abysmal 39% 52% and 45% on the first three exams honestly there is nothing to worry about you really think that the professor can fail over half the class absurd professors just want to scare you into studying more but they dont have the balls to actually fail that many people these naïve freshmen obviously do not understand this whole college thing the way i do parkers extreme confidence in his inevitable success is primarily grounded in his remarkable ability to predict the behavior of his professor dr traci norton parker has absolutely no doubt in [his] mind that norton will curve class grades any day now this unprecedented curve is expected to provide roughly 25 or 30 points to the overall grade of each student according to parker who probably should have spent time studying instead of developing advanced mathematical models to forecast grades let me break this down for you said parker to our mugdown reporter lets say your grade is somewhere around a 50% right now you probably look at that grade and see an ‘f and that is where you are wrong add in your guaranteed 40 point curve and suddenly youre looking at an a! i seriously do not understand why so many people bailed from the class at press time parker admitted that he should probably study for the final but claimed that he still has about a week before he needs to really get serious about that interyellar

it is no secret that college students love a good deal and black friday and cyber monday are the reigning kings when it comes to frugal shopping from clothes to pizza rolls a good bargain goes a long way and this year texas a&m is joining in on the fun for one day only ecampus is offering a cyber monday special where all online grades are 50% off indeed class averages campus-wide are being slashed lower than ever before! missed the q-drop deadline students who act before 5 pm pacific standard time are eligible to receive a free student withdrawal form in the mail! trade in your self confidence and free time for an all-new 2017 bundle of emotional and mental stress and anxiety with no extra cost to you! that is an $80 000 valueabsolutely free! optional features shown but wait theres more! students who drop out today receive an honorary art degree as part of the tamu-thon sign then cry event! some restrictions apply offer not valid in ak and hi may not be combined with other offers see advisor for more information member of the corps of cadets inquire about a discount for uniformed personnel bacon & ags

much to the irritation of local residents and texas a&m students alike numerous college station through streets are currently closed for construction munson nimitz lutherthe list of closed roads seems inexhaustible so what is with all of the construction college stations historic neighborhoods feature streets that seem like they were planned by a three-year-old scribbling on a map with a crayon in fact college station hired its first-ever city planner in 2012 boasting the majestic easterwood airport an actual highway and only four roads that actually matter this city is a bastion of transportation excellence despite these impressive infrastructures local bigwigs intend to improve college station roads even more by introducing additional medians to the city one by one residential streets are undergoing a massive taxpayer-funded project to divide every stretch of road into two distinct sides i for one love this new initiative said nicole luna a recreation parks and tourism sciences major at texas a&m i find it really hard to tell which side of the street is safe for me to drive on when i am using one of those few roads that dont have medians the mugdown sent secret operatives to last months city council meeting to learn more councilman john nichols gave a statement regarding the project: more medians dammit! i need them today! lets get this ball rolling! id better see a curb between every lane on harvey by next month or i am building them myself! local voices have asked that additional medians be created like those on holleman drive near heb or at the intersection of harvey and dartmouth the roads here force drivers into their own laneseparated by mediansafter making the left turn because that is a sensible and very common way to direct traffic what the hell is this in addition to preventing anyone from ever turning left medians offer various other benefits they look great and distract the driver from how ugly and poorly maintained the rest of the road is and they offer a trendy spot to display local fauna to have a picnic or to stake out traffic violations while road construction in college station typically leaves residents foaming at the mouth because of the various inconveniences at least everyone can rest assured that the end result will be totally worth it bacon & ags

in order to become a member of the christian community many have given up hours on pinterest to find the perfect calligraphy font or spent money on pseudo-adventurous clothing for some though the sacrifice is greater than learning a new skill or purchasing a new wardrobe and many are not willing to make it there is a growing population of spiritual misfits who have attempted to burst the bubble through various heinous acts such as asking questions holding different political views or experiencing doubt acts which have landed them on the outskirts members on the inside retain their christian identity by making sure they cannot hear anyone who threatens it sophomore lisa arndt created a stir at her church when she said the word feminism in a discussion i was just trying to describe what feminism means said arndt but the moment i started talking about it they revoked my christian card i didnt even know i had one of those many parents warned their children about the dangerous culture of brainwashed liberals within academia but figured that their students would be safe at a fairly conservative university like texas a&m said one aggie parent i pray every day that my son will not abandon his belief in god fall into the snares of satan or worse: vote democrat luckily for these parents most aggie students are safe from the assault of the progressive agenda that runs rampant at other universities the christian communities at a&m are often described as tight-knit engaging and accepting of many different viewpoints on which bethel song is the best students who question the status quo however know that there is a downside to these close communities an anonymous former member of the bubble began to drift away from his church community during this election season i was told from people on both sides of the political spectrum that wasnt really a christian if i voted one way or the other said the student i thought jesus was the most important person in christianity but i guess some people believe its the president you can spot these spiritual misfits discussing theories of creation and evolution at any local coffee shop corpus escort this is part 3 to read the new new testament part 1: watercolor to wine: click here to read the new new testament part 2: we are one body: click here

on the last day to q-drop classes a large number of students and aggie football fans have called upon head coach kevin sumlin to use one of his university allotted q-drops to drop screen passes from the offensive playbook the grassroots movement named please run better plays draws support from several notable sources including texags good bull hunting every current student at texas a&m and every former student who keeps up with aggie football their message according to spokesman and junior finance major alex madison is based on simple reasoning they never work! said madison screen passes never work! why do we run that play it never works like what the hell man most supporters of the movement many of whom have not played football since sitting on the bench in high school claim that their skills as an offensive mastermind far outpace current offensive coordinator noel mazzone my god i cant believe he is still around said jake creed a senior supply chain management major i could run better plays than that guy we have the best receivers in the nation and we throw freaking screen passes un-freakin-believable the movement insists that mazzones years of experience and success at other schools make him no more qualified than your average couch quarterback watching from home he came from a west coast school i cant respect that said creed with disgust everyone knows they dont play real football several protesters in the spirit of the twelfth man have offered to stand in should mazzone be fired between now and the lsu game boy do i got a plan for yall said madison put me in sumlin and youll see hubey throwin bombs to kirk in the slot speedy tearin up fools joshy makin those ridiculous one-handed catches in the endzone but you wont see one damn screen pass the football coaching staff has not responded to the calls of the movement but seem unlikely to change their plan in the face of futility hospitals around bryan-college station are bracing for a wave of patients stricken with battered aggie syndrome after next weeks game against lsu fish daddy

poor art skills are not the only thing keeping people from living as true disciples of jesus christ to truly do life with intentional believers one must make real sacrifices a bible study meets every wednesday night in vincent askelsons home the young men ride to his house on mopeds take off their patagonia backpacks set aside their sticker-covered nalgenes remove their chacos and spend time talking intentionally about scripture this week askelson asks the group to discuss a passage from matthew 19 in which jesus tells a rich young man to sell all that he has aaron held a new member speaks to the group we need to give everything awaylike in our hearts we need to sell all that we havesymbolically of courseand not be attached to any of our possessions or jealous of the possessions that others have the group nods a few sigh with heartfelt hmms and everyone rides home on their mopeds this is a scene familiar to anyone within the bubble many christians inspired by st pauls writings about the church as one body have adopted a more literal interpretation of the teaching aspiring to show their oneness through a monotone of comfort colors brand-name exploring gear and identical tastes in music held a freshman came to texas a&m with no idea how to set up an eno why anyone would ever grow a dirty ‘stache or who ben rector was upon first meeting his church of unity small group held quickly learned that being part of the body would cost him no one ever told me i had to look like them said held but come onif you really want be united to the body of christ youve got to walk the walk in birkenstocks held stated that he would never regret the sacrifices it takes to follow christ i will gladly lay down my money my smooth face my preference for indoor activities and my individuality if it means i get to purchase the clothing grow the facial hair participate in the hobbies and ultimately become the person that jesus wants corpus escort this is part 2 to read the new new testament part 1: watercolor to wine: click here

partially painted canvases litter the floor surrounding rachel nordemans desk one is an unfinished drawing of a disproportionate anchor; another an attempt at watercolor wildflowers nordeman sits at her deskcluttered with open paint palettes and empty coffee mugsand hunches over her latest project: a woodcut with the words it is well painted in a cursive font she leans back in her chair and takes a deep breath; nordeman feels the weight of her entire belief system riding on this painting for many christians painting began as a leisurely activity often it was used as a time for spiritual reflection slowly mulling over the words of scripture or a popular worship song the hobby of some however has quickly become the duty of all nordeman an active member of crosshopeskybridge bible church only just recently received her mission to create i was scrolling through my instagram feed and i saw that three of my small group friends had posted calligraphy paintings one of them even painted in the pages of her bible those three photos in a row made me feel like peter as if jesus was asking me three times if i loved him said nordeman unfortunately she soon found that she had not yet been given the gift of artistry despite prayers for this talent nordeman and many other christians still struggle to live out the socially constructed concept of their religious identity because they lack the ability to paint beautifully enough to take a photograph worthy of instagram sharing corpus escort this is part 1 to read the new new testament part 2: we are one body: click here

on november 9th the city of college station implemented a new law forbidding the use of a cell phone whilst driving the next day local law-abiding citizen and student ryan bradley crashed into a telephone pole on holleman bradleys friend connor watson was following behind him right before the incident ryan was always a good guyalways a rule followerbut he usually need something to occupy his attention while he was driving said watson this incident and many similar ones have prompted psychology professors to investigate the cause of this new spike in car crashes dr sam sung a professor of psychology at texas a&m found a possible connection between accidents and the new legislation ive begun to notice a similar pattern amongst these incidents the phone-ban law has caused students who were accustomed to using their phones while driving to become bored and disinterested with the task at hand which ends up resulting in careless accidents i think they are beginning to realize how short their attention span truly is said dr sung after receiving a snapchat dr sung provided no further comment and instead spent the remainder of the interview working to maintain snapchat streaks duncan dough

every fall many newly-single freshmen enter texas a&m declaring their independence and commitment to remaining single for the foreseeable future after some time of friend making and flo mingling freshmen inevitably pair off in precisely the manner they swore against in a matter of weeks these pseudo-couples go from happy lunch dates to heartbreak to track this phenomenon we followed freshman business major mitch collins through his romantic odyssey we started talking to collins in early september after his recent acceptance to a flo fish aides has been such a blast so far! said collins i have loved meeting such friendly guys and girls i recently broke up with my high school girlfriend though so i am more interested in making guy friends right now and hanging with the bros collins initial front was convincing but time would prove him wrong collins contacted the mugdown the next day in a surprisingly quick follow-up a bunch of us faides went to fuego last night for the first time and one of the girls sally donovan was in the group she is so much different than the girls i went to school with because she is just real and asks such intentional questions said collins he denied claims of liking her but said he was considering asking her to have lunch at the msc after two weeks of silence collins once again reached out following the first chi-o date party im telling you guys right now sally is the one! i have never been so sure about something since i came to college said collins as he recounted his evening of infatuation i can see us now at our sons first high school football game at westlake! two days later collins came forward with the sad news that sally wanted only to pursue friendship for the sake of heart guarding sally was my person i thought she was my future wife now i dont even know what to think anymore said collins donovan declined to comment and hullabaloo hall sources report she just dated collins for his dining dollars koldus & cream

the american institute for university dining (aiud) has named ag café of texas a&m the nations best university dining center although this accolade comes as a surprise to many chartwells officials claim they knew ag café was destined for public recognition sooner or later last years winner the university of colorados bison bistro had claimed the award for eight years running but now ranks number two behind aggielands crown jewel of west campus the criteria for aiuds annual award is based off of four categories: customer satisfaction restaurant variety cleanliness and operation efficiency barbara warfield of the aiud provided an explanation on conducting our nation-wide survey we found that texas a&ms ag café utilized opportunities that other on-campus dining facilities miss said warfield during lunch hour students want to mingle with each other ag café does an extraordinary job of creating long lines to both pay for and receive food this design allows students to take a break from their fast-paced lives and catch up on the previous nights lacrosse match or whatever southern college students like to discuss further comments highlight the universitys strategy in making ag café the only real dining option for the students on west campus ag café is the cultural hub of west campus said warfield business biology and agriculture majors dont want to be distracted with numerous options for lunch…they just want one ag café is seen as west campus msc; it is where all of the west campus majors intermingle and express ideas having multiple west campus eating establishments would only take away from that flair one other distinguishing variable of ag café is its love for chick-fil-a through extensive research we found that students operate most effectively on a routine disciplined chick-fil-a diet said chartwells west campus dining director joe polynesian further confirming this practice a recent survey was conducted by chartwells and found that west campus students consumed over eight ag café chick-fil-a meals a week in designing ag café we included a which wich that takes over an hour on average to get your sandwich as well as a greasy burger eatery that we knew students would reject with this strategy students are left with no other options than to eat chick-fil-a for every meal on west campus said polynesian chartwells is proud of all of the positive reviews it has received from students amongst all of the new developments surrounding other parts of campus west campus students would hate to see new dining options compete against ag café the over abundance of nuggets waffle fries and long lines are a staple and tradition of the life of a student on the wrong side of the tracks good bullogna

in an effort to provide customers with a more novel experience puppy station plans to release a new collection of non-genetically modified puppies the popular store located in the soul-crushing post oak mall will be introducing wolf pups in early december coinciding with finals in order to cater to students who need study breaks cassidy arenal manager of puppy station stated that the decision to incorporate non-gmo dogs in their store was more than just good business science is showing how bad gmos are for humans but it is not just affecting us it is affecting mans best friend too our dogs are suffering because of genetic modification i strongly believe in selling wolf cubs instead of encouraging people to buy the ‘dogs we think are normal we need to get back to the real pure and unadulterated canines our ancestors kept other puppy station employees have embraced this morally conscious outlook at puppy station our puppies are constantly sick said timothy kareven it is because these poor dog breeds have been subjected to millennia of selection and human tampering it is definitely not because we do not provide adequate space housing or socialization it is due to centuries of neglectful breeding practices not our borderline neglectful treatment in the store arenal echoed her employees sentiments our animals deserve the best despite the struggles they face because of genetic engineering by humans and giving them the best means keeping them in cages meant for one dog but with seven other puppies to try to activate that ‘living in a pack instinct puppy station owner matt gruener reassures students that engaging in good moral and ethical practices will not cost them extra we do not want to financially deter people from doing what is right that is why the cost to pet the puppies remains at 25¢ this low price buys you two privileges first you get to care about puppies for the amount of time it takes to get a social media worthy photo second you get the privilege to not care about the puppies well-beings after you have gotten the photo that you need texas a&m students seem excited for the new developments in their favorite mall store i can look forward to something during finals week now said emily derrickson sophomore industrial distribution major the adrenaline rush of petting a wolf cub and not knowing if it will rip my face off will be so much fun come and bake it if youd like to make a difference in an animals life and get some unconditional puppy love please consider volunteering at a local animal shelter two main shelters in the area are aggieland humane society (requires volunteer application and $25 fee) and bryan animal center (application but no fee) animal shelters rely on volunteers who provide meaningful human contact and socialization for the animals helping prepare them for their forever homes

for some ticket pull and converting student tickets to guest passes is a hassle for others it is a ministry kyle joseph a self-proclaimed aggie missionary who spends most of his time soliciting groupmes and facilitating sunday night sports-pass groups describes his cathartic experience through the chaos and clutter of everyday life there is divinity in the act of converting tickets most people have trouble comprehending the complexities of the kyle field box office so i try to make it more accessible to the common aggie despite josephs efforts the ticket pull and conversion process is still somewhat foreign to most students it remains an act reserved for the select few who either drew the short end of the stick or were forced to learn the process in order to pull for their fish camp these fine few are the missionariesthe faithful fans who have diligently studied the word of the box office website: 12 an aggie went out to convert football tickets as he was collecting the sports passes and pulling the tickets some were on third deck and the birds came and pooped on them 13 some were in shady places where it was high up and covered by the roof fans stand up quickly because the shade lended them extra energy 14 but when the sun came out the fans were scorched and they withered because they had no sunscreen other seats were among the opposing team which rallied up and overwhelmed the fans 15 still other seats were in good sections 16 whoever has ears let them hear (reveille 12:12-16) joseph and others like him have converted hundreds of tickets and face spiritual warfare on a weekly basis: choosing the south end zone or the back of third deck some students will never know this dilemma and remain blissfully unaware of the student ticket pull process joseph insists that those who have never been led to the kyle field box office are missing out in the end i have to remember that i am just a vessel actual conversion happens only from within the box office 5k for yell

last thursday toby brewer a junior economics student at texas a&m got out of bed early to fulfill his civic duty and cast his vote after waiting in line and completing his ballot he placed his i voted sticker on his backpack and went on his way this morning however he received a letter in the mail informing him that his vote would not be counted due to a lack of any proof on social media everyone knows that we have a responsibility as americans to research the candidates cast our vote and post about it on social media so that all of our friends can see how patriotic we are said brewer i realize that i let my country down by forgetting this vital last step in the voting process brewers peers were appalled when they learned that he had gone through the long tedious process of voting without bragging to a single friend about how political he was i dont know how he was expecting for his vote to be acknowledged when he left absolutely no evidence of it on social media said jessica merkel a friend of brewers and avid political activist since last tuesday there was no self-righteous facebook post shaming his friends for not voting no selfie of him with his ‘i voted sticker not even a snapchat story that said ‘#america i have to wonder why he bothered voting at all dr garrett mann professor of political science at texas a&m reminded students that any form of social media will do so long as enough people see the post the social media post is arguably the most important part of the voting process said mann without it youre missing out on that feeling of superiority over your non-registered friends and you might as well not have voted brewer expressed his disappointment that his vote would no longer be counted towards his preferred presidential candidate or all those other people on the ballot who i have never heard of teenage music gig ‘em turtles