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Opening credits JACK (voiceover) : Torchwood. Outside the Government, beyond the police. Fighting for the future on behalf of the human race. The 21st century is when everything changes... And Torchwood is ready. EXT NIGHT, Barrage Bridgelike thing Dark, empty. We see it in long shot so it's mostly bits of bridge and lights. As is traditional there's a full moon. A teenager is walking alone, lit from beneath, red lights and white, casting big shadows. Mobile phone beeps. It's the text message noise. He checks the screen. It says "UR 9 mins late! MUMxx". He grins and looks up. Long shot of distant figure in a window, cutting to closeup of Nikki. INT NIGHT Nikki's flat She waves. Her left hand, a ring on her middle but not ring finger. Out in the dark he texts her back. Mobile phone beeps. Message from Jonah : Chill ! :-P NIKKI : Hm ! Cheeky bugger ! She grins and turns away. EXT NIGHT, Barrage Jonah watches her leave the window, then moves on. Wind blows an empty cup along. Signs swing in the wind, which is suddenly strong enough to buffet Jonah around. He's barely making headway. He staggers into the handrail. Whooshing electrical crackling wind roars. Flashing lights and the camera spirals in from above. Then Jonah screams, there's a flash, and his phone drops clattering on the bridge, screen still lit... and no sign of Jonah. Opening credits EXT DAY, Barrage Long shot again, now with the thing across the top of the screen, most of the image filled with grey water. Seagull noises, Andy starts to talk, and we're slightly closer to see Andy pacing towards Gwen with the handrail bars in front of them. ANDY : Jonah Bevan, born 15th of February 1993, son of Nikki Bevan and Paul Millet, 14 Cliffs Rise, Penarth. Disappeared walking home from football practice, been missing now for seven months and eleven days. No body, no sightings since that night. Disappeared right where we're standing. GWEN : Uh-huh. ANDY : Which is where we found this. He sent a text to his mum, she was looking out the window and they waved to each other. She's certain everywhere was deserted. GWEN : What about the investigation ? ANDY : Usual procedure, searched the home, checked the computer, spoken to all known friends and relatives, made publicity appeals, but no significant leads... And look, sorry, Is this beneath you now ? GWEN : No ! ANDY : Then what's with the attitude ? You've got a face like a slapped arse. GWEN : I'm waiting for you to tell me where you were. ANDY : Where I was when ? GWEN : At the wedding. ANDY : Rang you. I had to work. Temple changed the rota at the last minute. You know how it is. GWEN : I checked the duty logs. You weren't working. You had three days off. ANDY : What are you spying on me now ? GWEN : I thought we were mates. And you just don't turn up ! ANDY : I just thought, being as Rhys has got a problem with me... GWEN : Rhys thinks you're great ! It's you who has a problem with him ! Ever since I've known you You've always made sarky comments about his weight ! ANDY : Well He could stand to lose a couple of pounds... GWEN : Let it go ! Let it go. ANDY : Yeah, well, I can't ! All right ? I don't want to sit there and watch you pledge your stupid life to him ! I've got better things to do of a Saturday ! Happy now ? GWEN : Oh, Andy ! Nudges him. ANDY : Get off ! GWEN : I thought we'd been through all this. I mean You're a lovely fella and (indistinct)... ANDY : It's not like a bloody tap. I can't just switch it off. GWEN : But this was like what three years ago. I mean, look I didn't know... I didn't realise you still had feelings... ANDY : I don't, all right ? I just had a moment. Don't flatter yourself. GWEN : Ok ! If you want to talk about it... ANDY : I wanna talk about this kid. Jonah. GWEN : Teenagers go missing all the time. I mean, why is this one so special ? ANDY : I was the first one here. Sat with his mum all night and all the next day. Every time I tell her we've got nothing new, I see a bit of her die. GWEN : Anything strange about the case ? ANDY : Like you don't know. He turns and walks away. She looks puzzled and follows him. Close up on a police car, slightly different location. Andy and Gwen are standing at the back watching something on a screen. CCTV frames like show Jonah's jumpy progress and then... GWEN : What just happened ? ANDY : Exactly. The camera records one frame every six seconds. GWEN: He could've done a lot in six seconds, jumped over the side, hidden somewhere... ANDY : No, he's looking at something. Look, something's glowing, just out of the camera's line of sight. Like a flare, it's not there in the previous frame... or the next. GWEN : Could be one of the lights on the Barrage. ANDY : All right, stop lying. You know what happened here. Why aren't you telling me ? GWEN: What are you talking about, Andy ? ANDY : Right... 45 minutes later... (CCTV screen shows the SUV pulling up and a familiar long coated figure get out). What's your mate Mulder doing there ? GWEN : Jack ? INT HUB, Toshiko's work station TOSH : No recognisable rift activity around the Barrage on that date. GWEN : What about if you tried... ? TOSH : I ran checks for three months either side. Then extended the radius by a mile and checked again. Still nothing. GWEN : OK. Thanks. INT HUB, Jack's office He's in his dark shirt, standing behind his desk, putting his gun in the holster and threading the belt through as he talks. JACK : When did you say this was ? GWEN : About seven months back. Were you on the Barrage that night ? JACK : They have this cute little coffee shack. I sometimes stop by there. GWEN : A boy went missing. Just under an hour before you were there. JACK : OK. GWEN : Jonah Bevan, 15 years old. I thought maybe you were out there because of him. JACK : Maybe if we'd registered rift activity. GWEN : No. I just checked with Tosh. It was all clear. JACK : Sorry. Can't help. (He walks past her to leave. He stops in the doorway and turns back to her). Want me to look into it for you ? GWEN : No, it's fine. So it was just a coincidence then ? JACK : Guess so. Gotta run. Weevil hunting with Ianto. He says it with such glee you have to wonder what Weevil Hunting actually means to them. Gwen sort of smiles after him... somewhat doubtfully. EXT NIGHT, Cardiff from above Very wooshy today, with sirens. INT NIGHT, Cheap coffee place Gwen shakes a packet of probably-sugar. Some man and a woman stagger in the door, and both Gwen and Andy watch them until they've staggered past. Then Gwen goes back to her drink. ANDY : So, you're covering it up then ? GWEN : Jack said it was a coincidence. I can't help. ANDY : Thanks a lot. Should've known. Bloody Torchwood. Fob me off, why don't you ? GWEN : No. If there was something going on, I would tell you. ANDY : Do you know what's happened to you, Gwen ? You've got hard. GWEN : Yeah ? Well, maybe I've had to. ANDY : You used to care. You used to be bothered about people. Didn't matter who they were, or what they did. And now you're talking about coincidence, like people go missing all the time. Like it's a fact of life. The old Gwen would have been up there to see Nikki Bevan in a flash. You're one of them now, aren't you ? Too busy to bother with one missing child. What is it, not major enough for you ? Not spooky enough ? Sorry to bother you. Takes his hi-vis yellow jacket and leaves. Gwen looks dismayed. EXT NIGHT, Nikki's front door Doorbell rings. Front door, wobbly glass, shape moving behind, until Nikki opens the door. GWEN : Nikki Bevan ? Gwen Cooper. I'm working with the police on Jonah's disappearance. Nikki doesn't ask for ID, just steps out the way and lets the nice lady in no recogniseable uniform late at night walk in. INT NIGHT, Nikki's flat All the curtains are closed. The TV is on. And there's video tapes on every visible surface, in scattered heaps radiating out from around the TV. NIKKI : Andy said you might be round. GWEN : Oh, he did, did he ? NIKKI : Reckons you've got a different area of expertise. What is it, forensics ? GWEN : I'm just a fresh eye. NIKKI : Sorry about the mess. GWEN : Wow, film fan, are you ? NIKKI : Crowds. GWEN : Sorry ? NIKKI : It's all crowd footage. Ever since he went. Football matches, concerts, festivals... Anywhere there's a crowd, I record it. Go through it, frame by frame, checking every face. Sometimes I think it's him, but the picture's so grainy, I spend hours looking at one corner of the screen. But then the next day, I check again and it's not. (Sighs, shrugs, but smiles). It's the hope that's killing me. GWEN : Even if you saw him, what would you do ? NIKKI : Find someone that was with him. If I could just let him know I saw him. He's gotta be out there somewhere. (Pause. Gwen looks away). Do you think I'm mad ? GWEN : No, I think you'd make a great policewoman. INT NIGHT, Jonah's room Posters, skeletons, and a chain of lights that look a bit like skulls. The duvet cover looks like a football team thing. GWEN : His room's as he left it ? NIKKI : I sleep in here some nights. Bury my head in the pillow. It still smells of him. Except, the more I do it, the more it smells like me. I keep his diary for him. I sit in here and imagine I'm him. What do you think I did wrong ? GWEN : Sorry ? NIKKI (sighs) : Maybe I was too nosey... or not interested enough. Maybe he felt unloved. All I've got is questions. INT NIGHT, Nikki's hallway GWEN : What about Jonah's dad ? NIKKI : We were only together about six weeks. I thought when he first went missing and was on the telly, his dad might get in touch. But no, still manages to disappoint. Oh, hang on ! Andy tried to find me a support group, but there weren't any. So I thought I'd set one up myself. It's our first meeting. Will you come ? Hands her a leaflet. Searchlight. GWEN : Oh, I dunno. NIKKI : Andy'll be there. And I'm gonna do food. Oh, come on. I don't wanna be sat there on my own. GWEN : I'll try, I've got to go. EXT NIGHT, Cardiff from above Screeches and sirens. INT NIGHT, Gwen's flat Rhys is sat on the sofa, watching TV. He turns it off as soon as Gwen comes in. GWEN : I'm sorry, I know, I'm late. RHYS : Three hours ! GWEN : It was a work thing, time just got away from me. Ooh, wine ! We can do it another time though, yeah ? RHYS : This is the fourth another time, Gwen ! You said you'd cook. GWEN : Did I ? RHYS : When are we gonna have this talk ? GWEN : Let's do it now. Come on, now's good, I'm ready. Babies. Now. RHYS : Really ? GWEN : Do you think I've changed ? RHYS : Eh ? GWEN : Since I joined Torchwood. Am I different ? RHYS : Why ? GWEN : It's just something Andy said. OK, let me just tell you this one thing, OK ? RHYS : Go on. GWEN : He still fancies me. Rhys laughs hysterically. GWEN : Don't laugh, Rhys. That's why he didn't come to the wedding. RHYS : Bloody hell. Poor sod. GWEN : Oi ! I am a very sexy lady... and you are a very lucky man ! Just remember that, OK ? Picks up wine glass... and unzips her coat. She has her husband's full attention. RHYS : We're not gonna talk about kids tonight, are we ? GWEN : We could do some practising. RHYS : Oh-ho-ho ! Exit, quickly, in direction of bedroom. INT DAY, Gwen's bedroom Gwen barges in and Rhys sits up in bed. GWEN : Tell me you love me ! RHYS : Gimme the toast. GWEN : Come on, tell me you love me first ! RHYS : Gimme the toast first ! GWEN : Tell me you love me ! Mobile phone beeps. RHYS : Whoa ! GWEN : Hey ! Answers phone. TOSH : Gwen ? GWEN : Hi, Tosh. TOSH (In the Hub) : I've dug up some new data on that night at the Barrage. I think you might wanna take a look at it. GWEN : I'll be right there. Hangs up. RHYS : Deserting me, are you ? GWEN: Yep. (Smooches him). Ugh, crumbs. Climbs off him out of bed. RHYS : Oi ! Gwen leaves. INT HUB, Toshiko's workstation GWEN : Hey, what have you got ? TOSH : It's barely a blip on the system. So insignificant, I've been ignoring it. But when I looked closer... This is what we recognise as standard rift activity. But what I've discovered is a negative rift spike that occurred at the time you're querying. Now, we've always assumed that these readings were residual rift flares. Like an aftershock. But, because this one coincided with Jonah's disappearance, I think we've been misinterpreting. GWEN : OK, so ? TOSH : So, we've always believed that things can only come through the rift one way. What if we're wrong ? What if the rift doesn't just leave stuff behind ? What if it also takes ? GWEN (long silent thinky) : Who else have you told about this ? TOSH: No-one. I called you as soon as I realised. But It could be a coincidence, or an anomaly. I can't be sure unless I can cross-reference it with other examples. GWEN : Tosh, Can we keep this to ourselves ? There's something I have to do. TOSH : Whatever you think is best. GWEN : Thank you so much, you're such a sweetheart. Gwen leaves as quickly as she came. EXT DAY, Cardiff from above, nice grey roads and stuff. EXT DAY, Somewhere greener Close up of Gwen. Close up of Searchlight poster, first meeting Monday 27th month-conveniently-covered. Andy arrives, dressed in grey with horizontal stripes, looking... well, gormless, really. ANDY : You're looking into it, then. GWEN : Still the same old me. ANDY : Thank you. GWEN : Yeah, well, I dunno why I bother, you're so rude. ANDY : How's Rhys ? Other than hungry. INT DAY, A village hall type place, with a fold out table, a tea urn, and a line of stacking chairs NIKKI : Oh. It's you two. ANDY : Oh, that's nice. NIKKI : I thought there'd be more here by now. It's gonna just be me, isn't it ? GWEN : No, I'm sure it won't. People will come. ANDY : Yeah, you know, "If you build it, they will come". Field Of Dreams ? No ? Just me, then. NIKKI : Anyway, sit down. They sit, awkwardly. Fiddle with clothes. Long shot shows them very small in even this small hall. ANDY (sotto voce, to Gwen) : It is gonna be just us, isn't it ? Knock on door. WOMAN WITH MAN : Hi. Um... We're looking for Nikki. NIKKI : Yeah, that's me. Come in. It's brilliant you found us. There's food there, drinks, so help yourself. Knock on door. MAN IN TURBAN : Is this missing persons ? NIKKI : Yeah. Come in. Erm, do you wanna drink ? Many, many, people come in and take chairs... all the chairs... Gwen and Andy get up to leave them chairs, people get more chairs out, this hall is full, every kind of people, all for the same reason. ANDY : Bloody hell ! How many of them are there ? EXT DAY, Same hall, grey wall blocks Andy comes out, looks around, sees Gwen and heads over to her. ANDY : You OK ? GWEN : It's getting a bit too much now. Noises from the hall, many voices, spill out behind them. ANDY : I dunno what you mean. GWEN : I said I'd help you look for one lad. What about all those people in there, what... 40, 50 ? Am I supposed to help all them, too ? ANDY : Course not. Just focus on Jonah. The rest aren't part of this investigation. GWEN (Lightbulb) : But they are. Of course they are. ANDY : No, no, they're not ! GWEN : Find a pattern. Find out what happens, we might find Jonah. ANDY : What ? GWEN : Brilliant. You're brilliant ! I've gotta go. Runs. ANDY : Where you going ? GWEN : Cross-referencing ! ANDY : Cross-referencing ? INT HUB, workstation TOSH : Cross-referencing ? GWEN : You said we need more data to be certain the rift takes people. List of all missing persons in Cardiff over the last ten years. I'll deal with the personal details, and I'm sending you dates, locations and approximate times they went missing. TOSH : And you want me to check the dates they went missing, against negative rift spikes ? GWEN : Yes, I do, and I'll dig out any CCTV footage. TOSH : What about Jack ? Do we tell him what we're doing ? GWEN : When we're sure. Tosh, if we can prove you were right, we can start looking for the people who've been taken, maybe even try and stop it from happening. Montage of research. CCTV, rift spikes, hands, bits of paper, keyboards, Gwen and Tosh looking thinky, people photos, notepads, lists, Tosh's breasts. Bits of paper, printouts, photos of missing. Jonah photo goes on wall, scream in the background. Others follow, many many others. A map goes up with little red dots going on it. Bell tolls for each dot. Forms are attached to each missing photo, saying "Rift Spike", and a red marker is used to dot each, bell tolling each time. Eventually Gwen is standing in the interrogation room with every wall covered in this stuff, missing people, mapped, with Rift spikes. Disorienting spin with chorus of screams. TOSH : Oh, my God ! There are really this many ? GWEN : Now we tell Jack. INT HUB, Meeting Room GWEN : Cardiff has an epidemic of missing persons, totally out of kilter with any other comparable city. And it's all down to the rift. IANTO : Are you sure they aren't just normal missing persons ? People do go missing for other reasons. GWEN : No. Toshiko cross-referenced the locations with the rift spikes. The people we've identified here are definitely victims of the rift. OWEN : What do we think happens to them ? JACK : Scattered through time and space, I guess. OWEN : Cheery thought, thank you. JACK : This is good work. But I don't know what you want us to do. GWEN : We Find a way to prevent it. JACK : Toshiko, can we predict when the spikes are gonna happen ? TOSH : Er, No. And they're gone in a matter of seconds. JACK : Then I don't know how we combat them. GWEN : Jack, we have a duty here. These people are victims of the rift. If they'd been attacked by a Weevil... JACK : Weevils We can catch. If they're victims, we fix their wounds, but this, we don't know when it's gonna happen, we don't know where they end up. Seriously, Gwen. GWEN : Hm ? JACK : Practically, tell me what we should do. Pause of all stare at Gwen. GWEN : We help those left behind. Jack looks down. GWEN : Why not ? JACK : It's nothing to do with us. Move on. GWEN : Jack, you should see these people... JACK : Some things we can't fix. GWEN : So we don't even try ? OWEN : Look, Jack's right. They need counselling. Support. That is not us. GWEN : Ah, OK, is that what you all think ? We are the only ones who know the truth. We can help them. We don't have to be this hard. It's not a badge of honour... ! JACK : Close this down. Walks away. GWEN : Jack ! IANTO (gets up to follow, holds stop-hand up to Gwen) : I'll talk to him. GWEN : So, is that it, then ? We just sweep it under the carpet ? OWEN : "God Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change". Holds up broken and wrapped left hand for a moment. GWEN : Oh, bollocks to serenity. OWEN : For a lovely girl, you've got a very dirty mouth. GWEN : Yes. OWEN : I'm with Jack. Gets up to leave. Ianto and Jack are talking in the halls outside. TOSH : We did our best. Gets papers and leaves. GWEN : Thanks, Tosh. Jack looks back in at Gwen, then away. His pointy finger of telling off hand gestures to Ianto say No pretty clearly. Also there's some hands on hips going on, both sides. Nobody's pleased. Jack stalks off. Ianto turns and looks at Gwen, hands still on hips... then the last image is a long shot of Gwen, sitting alone. EXT DAY, nice green trees place Slow pan across with a tree in front means Gwen sits apparently alone for some seconds, even as Rhys talks. RHYS : So On the one hand, you've got blokes like Mo, who swears it's the best thing he's done in his life. And then on the other, you've got Big Dave, who says it feels like his life has ended and now he's a second class citizen in his own house. Although to be fair, he said his life had ended when Susy made him ditch the bike... GWEN : Will you just stop wittering ! Thank you. God... ! RHYS : It's not wittering. It's talking. We're supposed to be talking. I've been trying to talk to you for a week but for some reason you don't want to. GWEN : Oh Wake up, Rhys ! What's the point ? We don't need a talk ! It takes two seconds' thought ! How are we supposed to have kids with my job ? Torchwood does not do maternity leave ! "Oh I'm sorry Jack, I'd love to help out with the aliens, but I can't get a babysitter ! No no no I'll sort out that bomb once I've dropped Rhys Junior off at nursery". Stop dancing around it, it's a dead question ! RHYS : You know, sometimes I f*cking hate you ! I mean, look at you, caught up in your little group, like nothing else matters. Like being a hero is an end in itself. Well It's not. You save this city. Well done. You save the world, whatever. What for ? GWEN : Sorry ? RHYS : Why are you doing it ? What are you trying to protect ? What are you fighting for Gwen ? GWEN : Because if I don't, Rhys... RHYS : Shut up, I'm talking now, right ? You do it so people can live their lives. And there's nothing more important than that. Falling in love, getting married, buying flats, having kids, or not. But real life. That's what you're protecting. And if you're starting to think that your sh1t is more important than real life... then we're not gonna last very long here, love. GWEN : I'm sorry. There's this thing at work... RHYS : I don't care ! I don't care. When you're with me, we deal with us, right ? Our lives. You got a problem at work, you sort it at work. INT HUB, Great big keys outside the cog door Door rolls open with clunks and usual alarm sounds. Gwen walks in, door rolls closed. GWEN : Jack ? Here's something, follows it upstairs to. INT HUB, Hothouse and balcony Gwen pushes glass door open and walks in. GWEN : Jack, I... A very, very distracted Jack and Ianto are snogging, naked, and, er, vigorously engaged with hands in low places. GWEN : Oh, God ! (Laughs) I'm sorry. Walks out. Naked Jack is grinning. Naked Ianto is grabbing things and attempting to very quickly be not-naked Ianto. Your faithful transcriber rewatches carefully to be sure she gets all the details. Ianto has clothes on very quickly indeed and follows Gwen out before she's back to the stairs. IANTO : Er... Unbuttoned Ianto gets Gwen's attention. GWEN : Ianto, I'm sorry, I didn't realise. IANTO : It doesn't matter. GWEN : And I wouldn't have come in if I'd known... JACK : Always room for one more. (Jack is also unbuttoned. On Ianto it looks awkward. On Jack it's more of a challenge. He sort of strides out, shirt hanging open, while Ianto is still working on buttons. Jack poses, hand on hips, leaning on the railing). We could've used you an hour ago for naked hide-and-seek. IANTO : He cheats. He always cheats. And Ianto looks really rather happy about that. JACK : Was there something you wanted ? GWEN : Jonah Bevan. The missing boy. I'll make it my own special project, my responsibility, nothing to do with anyone else. I'm not letting it go. JACK : No. GWEN : What ? JACK : I don't know how I can be any clearer. GWEN : Oh, well... Tosh has her projects, so does Ianto. (Currently involving doing his belt up). Why can't I ? JACK : Leave it alone. GWEN : I can't. Staring competition. Gwen doesn't back down. Jack stares back, then just switches attention to Ianto. JACK : Coming back in ? Work to do. IANTO : Yup. GWEN : Jack ! We're not finished ! JACK (walking back into the Hothouse) : Yes, we are. Closes the door behind him. IANTO (turns just at the closed door) : Er... There's a package on your desk. Nods and goes back in. Naked Jack is just visible through the glass. Yes, work to do indeed... INT HUB, Gwen's desk Gwen finds package. Gwen gets small electronics box out. [SCENE_BREAK] INT, Somewhere with coffee Andy in his day glo on his phone. Phone rings. GWEN : Hello ? ANDY : You still working ? GWEN : Sort of. ANDY : Thought so. There's a cup of tea here with your name on it. INT NIGHT, Coffee and tables again They sit at a table. Andy fiddles with the newly acquired electronics. ANDY : And you think this will help us with the Jonah Bevan case ? GWEN : Andy Just leave it will you, this is high tech stuff. ANDY : Sorry, no. It's GPS. GWEN : What ? ANDY : Global Positioning System. About as high tech as... oh, my mobile phone. What you've got here is a glorified map. Ooh, X marks the spot, eh ? X being the middle of the Bristol Channel. Oh, no, hang on, sorry, no. Flat Holm Island. Who's sending you out there then ? That's just deserted scrubland. GWEN : Couldn't get us a refill could you ? ANDY : While you bask in my technical brilliance ? He leaves, she phones home. INT HUB, Ianto's coffee station Phone rings, bubbly burbley electronic thing, and Ianto picks up, shoving it on his shoulder so he can do drinks. IANTO: Hello ? GWEN : You left me that package, didn't you ? JACK (from off screen) : Ianto ? IANTO : I dunno what you mean. GWEN : Ianto What's going on ? JACK (still unseen, much louder) : Ianto ! IANTO (looking up in Hothouse direction, hangs up) : Night, Gwen. GWEN : Ianto Don't you... It hangs up and she hisses. ANDY : Right, so first thing in the morning, we hire a boat. I know a couple of boat skippers who owe me a favour. So we'll head out to Flat Holm, poke around, see if we can't sort this out. GWEN : Or even better, you get me the boat and I'll tell you what I find. ANDY : No boat trip, no boat. I'm part of this. GWEN : Ok. ANDY : Brilliant ! GWEN : But you do as I say. ANDY : Yeah, course. Listen, I was going to ask - promise me you won't laugh, have you got any vacancies coming up ? You know, with Torchwood. Cos I was thinking, I'm great to work with. You know you could tip them the wink. GWEN : Maybe. Yeah. INT NIGHT, Gwen's flat Gwen, keys, lets herself in. There's framed designs on the wall, one has little hearts in two quarters. It's dark and doors are closed. She goes to go in the bedroom... and finds bedding in front of the door. So that's a night on the sofa then. She sighs, scoops them up, and heads off. EXT DAY, distant water and a boat SELLER : What can I get you, lads ? DAYGLO GUYS : Two burgers and two cheeseburgers... EXT DAY, closer to the boat Gwen runs up as Andy shakes hands with boat guy. ANDY : Fifty quid. GWEN : That's a bit steep, innit ? Offer him 35. ANDY : Gwen, I'm not being funny, if you wanna haggle, go to Morocco. GWEN : All right, 50 quid. ANDY : Open waves, here we come. GWEN : Get us a couple of teas before we go. ANDY : You're kidding ? You're not kidding. I dunno... And he actually does head off for the nearby seller. Gwen watches him go and goes over to the boat guy. GWEN : Do this for me and I'll give you 100 quid. Engine starts. Andy, tea in each hand, looks up. ANDY : Oi ! Runs after them, but no chance. Boat's gone. GWEN : I'm sorry, Andy ! ANDY : Yeah, right ! GWEN : I'm sorry ! Grumpy Andy is left with only tea. EXT DAY, water and boat called Chara Travel in boat Gwen has lifejacket. Water has greyness. Gwen has wind in hair. It's trying to look pretty and being very British about it. EXT DAY, Flat Holm island Boat drops Gwen off and goes away again. Clever, Gwen, you walking home then ? But she waves it off and gets the GPS out. It beeps. She puts it away and goes looking. There's rock. And some island. And a lighthouse. So she goes to look in the lighthouse. Curvy spiral staircase. And a light. So she's up in the light bit and there's pretty distorted images of her and then some Staring Soulfully Out. Three people, two wearing red trousers, one with a blanket over their head, walk past on the island below. And walking behind them is Jack. They're heading for some clumpy concrete block buildings, dug in to the ground. Gwen runs down the stairs to follow them. There's a lot of stairs. And then a path. So she's a bit behind then. Down some steps, into a building, and it's. INT DAY, apparently abandoned building She gets her torch out and goes down. There's a buzzing, electrical sound. She follows it to a box. Opens that, sees a red light and a plastic thing with a button. Pushes the button to make a louder buzz. And again. FEMALE VOICE : All right ! Who are you ? GWEN : Torchwood, access code 474317432. I'm with Jack Harkness. FEMALE VOICE : He's supposed to warn us about visitors. GWEN : Law unto himself, isn't he ? Static hisses. Metallic thud. A door opens. Behind it is light, and a woman wearing red. HELEN : And he knows we'll always forgive him. She nods and gestures. Gwen hesitates, then follows. INT DAY, Ratty corridor The infrastructure is only slightly less abandoned looking in here. But there's a lot more signs of life. Door slams. Music plays. Someone coughs. At the end of the corridor someone in a wheelchair is pushed along. On the doors are chalk boards, with names. Jules. Alice's room. There's distant screaming. Gwen stops and looks in a room. It's pretty dark in there, but there's chairs and a TV in a cage, and some absent looking people. One woman has scars on one side of her face. When she sees Gwen looking in she pulls her hair to cover them and leaves quickly. TV BLARES : In the bush, those that stand out can become immediate targets for predators. At late February the population has reached its former strength... Gwen is staring. Stares at the woman as she goes back to her room. Helen watches Gwen. HELEN : This your first time ? We all find it difficult at first. Are you looking for anyone in particular ? GWEN : Yes. How many people are down here ? More chalked names : Earl, Saeed. HELEN : Didn't he tell you ? Sobbing. GWEN : What's that ? Gwen goes to look in one of the rooms. Sobbing continues. A man with his head in his hands is crying. GWEN : Is he OK ? HELEN : We do our best to help him. GWEN (sees another chalk board, whispers the name) : Caroline... (Goes around corner after Helen, calls out after her). Sorry, but why are they... ? Interrupted by flashback. "Have you seen Caroline", Caroline Hall. Gwen puts her hands to her mouth, face of oh no. Earl has a picture. Saeed Taufiq. Alice Devlin. And the penny drops. HELEN : Are you all right ? GWEN : Oh, my God... They're here. What are you doing to them ? What's going on here ? Tell me ! JACK : I'll take it from here, Helen. It was Ianto, wasn't it ? GWEN : What are you doing ? JACK : I can explain. Walks forward. GWEN : Nooo, no, no, no. You stay away from me ! Backs away, pointing at him. JACK : Gwen Let's go outside and talk... GWEN : These are the people taken by the rift ! What are they doing here ? What have you done ? And another name plate, Jonah's room. JACK : Gwen, listen to me. GWEN : He's here. He's been here all along. JACK : It's not that simple. GWEN : Open it ! JACK : Gwen, before I... GWEN : Now ! Staring match. Of doom, this time. Silent and unhappy. Jack walks past and around behind her, never takes his eyes off her. Then he opens the door with a key card. Gwen goes in. INT DAY, Jonah's room GWEN : Hello ? Jonah ? He breathes heavily, wheezing. GWEN : I'm looking for Jonah. JONAH : Why ? GWEN : Am I in the right room ? JONAH : Yes. I'm Jonah. He steps forwards. He's a grown man, and he has scars everywhere we can see. GWEN : Erm... I'm sorry. I must be in the wrong room. The Jonah Bevan I'm looking for is 15 years old and he went missing from the Barrage. JONAH : That was me. Who are you ? GWEN : My name is Gwen Cooper... and I'm with Torchwood. What... What's happened to you ? JONAH : I was walking home. There was a light. I woke up and the land was on fire, there were flames, for miles on end. A man pulled me from the flames. Took me to a building, where they tried to work on the burns. I thought I was going to die. I don't remember when the ground started shaking, and then I realised it wasn't a building after all. It was a rescue craft. The last off a burning planet. (Close up of hands of nervous rubbing). We watched the Solar System burn. It was so beautiful. GWEN : I am so sorry for what's happened to you ? JONAH : Can I trust you to tell the truth ? GWEN (she takes his hands) : Of course. JONAH : Am I really home ? GWEN : Yes. You're home. JONAH : Thank you. GWEN : Jonah, I've come because your mother is still looking for you. JONAH : She's still alive ? GWEN : You've only been gone for seven months. She never stopped looking. JONAH : I tried so hard to come home. I was lost so long. GWEN : You're safe now, you are safe. JONAH : Can I see her ? Can you bring her here ? GWEN : Is that what you want ? He nods. EXT DAY, Flat Holm island, with a big view of empty water Gwen is sitting on the edge, staring out. Jack comes up from behind and joins her. JACK : When I took over Torchwood, there were two, just like Jonah. Ravaged from falling through the rift. Being kept in the vaults, neglected. I wanted them looked after. I set this place up. Told the staff these were experiments that had gone wrong. GWEN : How many are there ? JACK: Seventeen, last count. It's increased over the last year. Like the rift is trying to correct its mistakes. GWEN : But not all the missing return. JACK : No. GWEN : You can't keep them hidden. They have families who deserve to know... JACK : Gwen, they're sick. In ways you could never imagine. We can't fix them. We just care for them. GWEN : Jonah's asked me to bring Nikki here. JACK : No. GWEN : She has a right to know. JACK : No way. GWEN : She said not knowing is the worst part. JACK : How are you going to tell her her child has aged 40 years in the last seven months ? That he's scarred, that he cannot look after himself... GWEN : We don't have the right to hide it from her ! JACK : If you tell her, you have to tell her about the rift and Torchwood. GWEN : Then I will. JACK : What if she doesn't believe you ? GWEN : I have to try. We owe her the truth. Jack, if you'd lost someone, wouldn't you want to know ? Gray's theme, pensive look away. GWEN : Let me try. (Puts her hand on his). Please. He looks back at her. EXT DAY, boat back, windswept Gwen EXT DAY, Nikki's Flat outside the window, turn to look over the Barrage INT DAY, Nikki's Flat Nikki, staring out the window, turns to talk to Gwen. NIKKI : We've got another meeting on Tuesday. Will you come to that, or... ? You're not here for small talk. GWEN : I've found Jonah. NIKKI : Is he dead ? GWEN : No. NIKKI : Is he hurt ? GWEN : We're looking after him. NIKKI : Where ? Can I see him ? She sobs. GWEN: Yes. NIKKI (looks down, trying not to cry. Gwen comes over and takes her hands. Nikki looks at her) : Sorry. GWEN : Nikki There are things I have to tell you first. And all I'm asking is you trust me. INT DAY, Police station Phone rings. Andy gets it out, checks who, does a sort of whole head eyeroll, and answers. GWEN : Andy, I know you hate me right now. ANDY : I'm hanging up. GWEN : No, please don't. It's about Nikki. I found Jonah. ANDY : Where ? GWEN : I can't tell you that. ANDY : Oh, here we go again ! Piss off, why don't you ? GWEN : I've got Nikki with me. I've told her about Torchwood and about what we do. I need you to confirm to her that I'm not mad or dangerous or a liar. ANDY : You used me, Gwen. GWEN : I'm sorry. ANDY : That's how you see me, isn't it ? Occasionally useful. Worth stringing along, in case I can ever help you. GWEN : Andy... ANDY : You'd never recommend for me to join Torchwood, would you ? GWEN : No. ANDY : Thank you. GWEN : I want to take Nikki to see Jonah. But you've got to tell her she can trust me. We can fix this, Andy. We can make it right. ANDY : Put her on. GWEN (hands phone across) : Nikki... NIKKI : Andy ? EXT DAY, pretty boat on shiny water. Nikki and Gwen are inside. Nikki sighs big. Gwen goes to stand outside looking all windswept again. INT DAY corridor at Flat Holm Different people in the corridor today. Still lots of red dressed people looking after people. Helen escorts Nikki and Gwen to the door. Nikki looks around, sees the people and the laundry bags and dire need of new paint and lightbulbs. NIKKI : Ok... where is he ? Jonah's Room. Helen uses the card. GWEN : Remember what I said. You're not going to recognise him at first. NIKKI : I know. GWEN : He's aged. He's been injured... NIKKI : I just want to see him. GWEN : You understand what I've told you now, Nikki. He's not a child, any more. NIKKI : It doesn't matter. I have to see him. Let me see him. GWEN : Ok. INT DAY, Jonah's room Close up on Jonah, the most scarred side, breathing with heavy wheezing. Behind him figures come into view. NIKKI : Hello ? Jonah ? JONAH : Yes ? NIKKI : I can't see you. Jonah ? JONAH : Mum ? NIKKI : No. No ! She backs up. JONAH : It's OK, Mum, it's me, it's OK. NIKKI (Gwen catches hold of her but it looks like she wants to run) : Stay away ! JONAH : I'm sorry, I'm really, really sorry. NIKKI : What're you doing ? What have you done to me ? GWEN : Nikki, I promise, this is Jonah. NIKKI : That is not my son ! (She points at him. He bows his head and curls in on himself. She turns away). Get me out, I want to get out of here. GWEN : Will you listen ? This is him. NIKKI : You are sick ! GWEN : Listen... NIKKI : All of you ! JONAH : Did you fix my wardrobe door ? We bought it flat-pack, made it together. The bottom left hinge keeps coming loose. You said you'd sort it. NIKKI : No. JONAH : Every evening you buy a bottle of beer. You let me sneak one sip. Just the one. Don't want to get a habit, right ? NIKKI : Stop it ! JONAH : You've two alarms cos you always sleep through the first. NIKKI : Make him stop ! JONAH : You talk about the day when you can earn decent money and afford yourself some decent make-up. NIKKI : I'm not hearing this ! JONAH : You won't buy me a double bed cos you don't understand what I need it for. NIKKI : Shut up ! JONAH : When I ask why you haven't got married, you say, "I'll never be lonely, cos I've always got you". It's me, Mum. It's me. NIKKI : Jonah ? Finally smiles through tears and goes over to him slowly. JONAH : I feel so lost. I've walked for years, trying to get home. I'm sorry. NIKKI : Why ? JONAH : That night. I was late. I'm sorry. Nikki makes an "oh" sort of face, like no he should never think that. She reaches, slowly, and touches the scars. He grabs her and they hug. JONAH (sobs) : The sights I've seen, Mum. NIKKI : It's fine ! JONAH : It'll take time. NIKKI : Look... It'll be OK. It's happy hugs now, she's rubbing his back and smiling. But Helen has come in behind them. HELEN : You have to leave Jonah now. NIKKI : What ? JONAH : Helen, I'm fine. HELEN : It's for your own benefit. NIKKI : No. I'm taking him home now. GWEN : Nikki, stop for a second. You can't just take him out of here. Jonah sits back down behind them. NIKKI : I know how to look after my child. I'll tell them he's my father. I can take care of him... ! HELEN : We can't allow that. NIKKI : He's my son, I say what's allowed ! GWEN : Jonah ? JONAH : It's started again. NIKKI : What's happening ? HELEN : He's starting the downswing. GWEN : What's a downswing ? NIKKI : What is it ? Jonah ? HELEN : You've seen him in the good phase. It gets briefer every day. It really might be best if you leave. JONAH : Helen... ! HELEN : Oh, it's all right, sweetheart, I'm here. JONAH : Make it stop ! HELEN : I ever wish I could. Please, it would be better if you didn't stay. NIKKI : I'm not leaving. I'm not leaving him. GWEN : Ok. HELEN : Then you should move away. GWEN : Why ? Will you tell me why ?! Jonah splutters, then screams. Really loud, and not stopping. EVERYONE : Oh... ! Hands over ears, backing away. Gwen is last to leave but can't stay in there. GWEN (voiceover) : I'd never heard a sound like it. This primal howl. The scream lasts 20 hours every day. EXT DAY, Boat and water again Gwen looking thinky. GWEN (voiceover) : Before the rift returned him, Jonah had looked into the heart of a dark star. What he'd seen had driven him mad. Nikki looking devastated. Gwen looking sad. FADE TO BLACK One week later. INT DAY, Nikki's flat Nikki, all dressed in grey, closes the door and wanders in, arms crossed. Gwen follows. GWEN : They say you can visit... whenever you like. When he's in a good phase. NIKKI : Promise me you won't do this to anyone else. Before, I had the memory. Whenever I thought of him, I'd see him laughing with his mates, playing football, scoffing his breakfast. And now I just hear that... that terrible noise. GWEN : I thought you wanted to know what happened to him. NIKKI : I did. I was wrong. It was better when I didn't know. Before you... I had hope. Gwen just walks out. Nikki looks down. INT HUB Interrogation room mixed with INT DAY, Nikki's flat Gwen gets a step ladder and takes down all the notes on the missing. They've been up there a week ? Can't have many people to interrogate at Torchwood then. Nikki, bag in hand, starts clearing out the video tapes. All of them useless to her now. Then she gets Jonah's diary and a box and starts packing up his room. They both pause on something of Jonah's, Gwen with his file, Nikki with some clothes of his. Nikki pauses to smell them. Gwen touches the photograph's face. Nikki sobs and holds the clothes close. She sits on the bed and cries. Gwen pushes the file drawer closed. Jack watches her through an archway. Gwen walks away past him without stopping or seeming to notice. Jack looks at the file cabinet : Missing. Then he walks away. INT NIGHT, Gwen's flat Gwen lights a match and then a candle. A door closes behind her and Rhys walks in. She's got candles and wine and flowers. RHYS : Apology, is it ? GWEN: Tonight, we talk about what you want. Kids... the future, anything you want. RHYS : Are you all right ? (He walks over to her. She's sniffing and trying not to cry). Hey, come here. Big hugs. GWEN (Sobs) : I'm sorry... ! RHYS : Do you want to sit down ? GWEN (softly) : OK. They sit on the sofa. Gwen cuddles into Rhys and he holds her and kisses her forehead. RHYS : Now then... you tell me everything. From the beginning. GWEN : There's this woman, Nikki. She had a son... Jonah. He went missing seven months ago... FADE TO BLACK

When a local teenager disappears Gwen is drawn into an investigation that reveals a darker side of Torchwood. Hundreds of people have disappeared without trace, but why is Jack obstructing attempts to find them? The answer seems to lie in the rift, and as Gwen follows the trail she makes a shocking discovery.

fd_Married_01x08

fd_Married_01x08_0

Bernie: Oh, Russ? Check it out. What do you think? Russ: Costume party? Bernie: No, strip club. The girls tend to work a little harder when they think you're an MD. Russ: I can see that. Bernie: The material's very thin, very lap-dance friendly. Russ: I never, uh, thought of you as a, uh, strip club guy. Bernie: Oh, AJ invited me. You should come. You should come. Russ: Oh, no, I can't. Lina and I have a date night tonight. [bell dings] Bernie: Oh, this kid. You want me to handle this? I'm already scrubbed in. Russ: No. No. What does this say? Bernie: You should be wearing that, right? Russ: That's not the point. Okay? It says manager. How you doing? Can I help you? Tween: Yeah. Just, uh, here to pick up. Russ: Hey, where'd you get that bag? Tween: This bomb-ass surf shop in Venice. Russ: Swick? Tween: You know it? Russ: Yeah. Yeah, my old, my old partner and I started that. I actually designed that logo. Put it on a longboard. It's kind of how it all started. Tween: Baller. Bernie: Yeah, he also designed your middle school book fair banner, which I think you'll agree is equally baller. Russ: Yeah. I am super baller... still. Lina: I can't believe you actually planned a date. Russ: Yeah, what's the big deal? Lina: 'Cause you normally don't plan sh1t. Russ [laughing]: Well... Lina: It's nice when you make an effort. Russ: I thought it would be fun to, I don't know, see the old hood, do the old date... visit the shop. Lina: Are you feeling nostalgic? Russ: Maybe. A little. Lina: Ah. Man: You know who you remind me of? That's right... me. We both got the same cute little face. Russ: Right. No, we do. Yeah. We definitely do. Lina: Have a good night. Russ: Thanks. Thanks. Lina: Ah, I miss Venice. Russ: Yeah. That was like looking in a mirror. Lina: Let's go check out the old shop. Bernie: I thought we were going to a strip club. AJ: We are. Bernie: Why are we at your ex-wife's house? AJ: Relax, this'll only take a minute. [Roxanne gasps] I'm so sorry for your loss. Roxanne: Do you really think that this is a good idea? Honestly? AJ: I'm not here for you. I'm here for Jerry. Roxanne: Sure you are. Stop it. Bernie: What are we doing here? AJ: Oh. Jerry's mom passed. Bernie: Oh. AJ: Titty cancer. Bernie: I, um... sorry. It must be very hard to lose the mother of the guy who is boning your ex-wife. How are you holding up? AJ: Oh, not good. I heard Esther was a really cool lady. Bernie: Well, it's a very adult decision to come here and support Roxanne and Jerry. Let's continue to be adults and go see some adult entertainment. Mm-hmm? AJ: Yeah, you're right. Bernie: All right. AJ: But first I'm gonna have an adult beverage. Oh, God, it's such a tragedy, huh? Oh, I am walking for the cure this year. [chuckles] You better believe that, man. Lina: Oh, my God. It's closed. Russ: Really? Wow, that must've just happened. Man, end of an era. Sad. Lina: It is sad. We had a lot of good times in there. Russ: I know. Lina: I'm kind of relieved. Russ: Why? What's that supposed to mean? Lina: I don't know. I always felt like it was my fault that we sold the place. Russ: We made the decision together. Lina: I pushed you. Anyway, you always wondered what would've happened if we didn't sell. Now, you know. Russ: Oh, wait. They're not closed. They just moved. Right off Abbott Kinney. Lina: "Abbott Kinney"? They must be doing well. Russ: "Come see our new larger location." Unreal. [laughs] I mean how much larger? Lina: Should we check it out? Can you handle it? Russ: Probably not. Let's just go eat. Lina: I mean, the beach is great, but we never have to wait this long in the Valley. Russ: Yeah, the Valley's so much better. Lina: You don't have to pay for parking in the Valley. Russ: Thank God. Carlos: Okay. Lina: Hey, look who it is! Hi, Carlos. Carlos: Ah, so good to see you. Russ: You don't remember us, do you? Lina: Honey? Carlos: Uh, uh... [groans] I'm not good with names. Russ: Wow. Yeah. I just thought you'd recognize us. Carlos: I apologize. I see so many people. Your waiter will be with you shortly. Enjoy. Russ: We came in here once a week for five years. You think the guy would remember us. Lina: This is gonna be a fun night. Russ: What's the deal with this table by the way? Like, seriously? Lina: The table is fine. Russ: It's not fine. We should move. Lina: They're already gonna spit in our food. You want to be upgraded to semen? Russ: When we used to come in here, they used to sit us by the window and now we're, like, way in the back like minivans at a valet. Lina: Is this about the shop? Russ: No. Lina: You want to get the clams? Russ: I just want to know how much square footage they have. Lina: Come on. Let's go. Russ: What? Lina: We're gonna go to the store. You're not gonna stop thinking about it, so we might as well just go. Russ: I don't care about seeing it. Lina: Really? You don't care? Russ: I just, I bet they get a lot of foot traffic... Lina: You just want to rub my face in it... great! Let's go. Russ: I don't want to rub your face in anything. Lina: We're going. Russ: We're not going anywhere. Lina: We're going! Russ: I want to sit and eat. Lina: I'm not eating until we go. Carlos: Now, I remember you. Russ and Lina. From the surf store! Congratulations on the new location! Lina: Just say it. Russ: What? Lina: That I ruined your life. Russ: It's not your fault. Lina: Yeah, it is. I made you sell it. Russ: You were pregnant. You weren't thinking straight. Okay? Neither of us were. Lina: Bruce was being such an asshole. We both wanted him out of our lives. Russ: Yeah. And now, he's a rich asshole. Lina: Schools are better in the Valley. We had to do it. Russ: Kids, schools. We did the right thing. - LINA: Let's go eat. Russ: I just got to check one thing. Holy sh1t. This place is enormous. Look at all this stuff. Where is my longboard? Lina: Which one? Russ: The one with my logo on it. Lina: Oh, why would Bruce take it down? Russ: I'll tell you why Bruce would take it down. Because he wants to erase me. Lina: Uh, I don't think that's true. Your logo's on everything. Look. Russ: Nice that somebody's making money off my design. Lina: You know what? Screw this place. I need new sunglasses. How do I look? Russ: You're still cute. Lina: Hey, why don't we, uh, get drunk and go fool around on the beach? That'll be fun. Aw... Russ: All right. Let's go. Lina [quietly]: Hey. [both chuckle] Lina: I wasn't really gonna steal the glasses. It was just a joke. Dirk: A joke? Lina and Russ: Yes. Russ: Look, when we were younger and broke and we couldn't afford to go on dates, we would shoplift together. Lina: It was romantic. [Dirk scoffs] You know? Dirk: I'm calling the police. Lina: Don't... No, no. Russ: No! Lina: Don't do that, man. Russ: Don't do that, okay? Lina: Just, that's not cool. Russ: We're friends with Bruce, all right? Dirk: Who's Bruce? Russ: Our old partner. We used to own this shop together with Bruce. Lina: The three of us. Dirk: Okay, I don't know Bruce. Uh, this is, this place is owned by Mertzman Outdoors. Russ: What? Well, what happened to Bruce? Bruce got shot, man. Russ: I'm sorry... what?! Repair man: Bruce got shot. Russ: Holy sh1t. Wow. Bruce is freakin' loaded. Lina: Well, I'm happy he's okay. Russ: Bullshit. Lina: Shut up. Bruce: Hold on. [SCENE_BREAK] [bell dings] Russ: Hey. Bruce: What's up? So, you two are still together, huh? Didn't think that was gonna last. Russ: Oh, yeah. No, it did. Lina: For now. Russ: Yup. Every day's an adventure. Bruce: Yeah, I know something about that. Bernie: Excuse me. Hey, AJ, can we get out of here? Old people are asking me to look at their rashes. AJ: So, look. Bernie: Oh, I've been looking at them, but it's time to go. Come on. Come on. AJ: No, no. Wait. Bernie: No. AJ: Excuse me, everyone. May I have your attention? Bernie: What are you doing? AJ: Time to make the donuts. Excuse me. I would just like to say a few words if I may. ROXANNE: Would you get him out of here? Bernie: I kind of want to see where he's going with this. AJ: I never met Esther. And I... guess I never will. But I do know Jerry. And I understand something about loss. For I, too, recently had someone very dear taken from me. [smacks lips] And the hardest part is the not knowing. Is she at peace? Is she happier without me? 'Cause if she is, that's okay. That is okay. Bruce: So, that junkie told me to empty the register. I told him to suck my dick. Yeah, blah, blah, blah. Nine surgeries later... here we are. Russ: Aw, man. I am so sorry. Bruce: What are you sorry for? You didn't put this bullet in my spine. She did. Lina: Excuse me? Bruce: Relax, I'm just kidding. Kind of. Russ: Not cool. Lina: How is it my fault you got shot? Bruce: Well, I mean, you made Russ sell, but... Russ: She... uh, no. She didn't make me sell. Bruce: Oh, a little bit. Russ: No. I mean... Lina: I-I... I mean... What? Come on. Bruce: Well, I just remember that after the buyout, I had no money, so I couldn't afford any help. And that's why I worked that night, which I should not have. So... But you guys are doing good. You guys have a family, right? Which is great for you. What's that like? Roxanne: What was that? AJ: I'm sorry about the speech, but I just saw you in that dress... Roxanne: Caitlin was late again for school on Monday. AJ: I overslept. Roxanne: Because of the pills? AJ: I need them to help me sleep... and wake up. Roxanne: Of course. She also said you had yet another visitor. AJ: Hey, I'm single. I mingle. Roxanne: Do you think that it's okay to have just different women running in and out of her life? AJ: You are the one who wanted to split up. Roxanne: How long are you gonna hold that...? Jerry: Is everything all right in here? AJ: Everything's fine. How are you? Roxanne: Baby, everything is okay. AJ: You know, if you need me to be helpful in any way... That's to be expected. Bruce: Come here. This is Mai, my girlfriend. Say hi. Mai: Hi. Bruce: She's a little shy sometimes with strangers. Mai was actually my occupational therapist. She got me through some pretty tough times, didn't she? Yeah. She got me to focus on the positive. So, that's good right there. [smacks lips] You got any pictures of your kids? Russ: Uh, sure, yeah. Bruce: Let's see what you guys got here. Oh, my God! Oh, so lucky. Russ: This is us all on the couch. Bruce: That is nice. Mai: We're thinking of adopting. Lina: Oh. Bruce: Obviously we can't conceive in the traditional manner. Russ: Well... um... Bruce: Yeah. But we still have fun though. We do all kinds of stuff. Finger each other. We look at all kinds of pornography together. She-she-she orgasms pretty hardcore. Lina: Oh... Russ: I'm just gonna run to the bathroom. Is there one, um...? Bruce: Upstairs. Roxanne: So, Jerry and I talked it over and we, we want you to get some help. AJ: You want me to get some help? Roxanne: We want you to get some help. AJ: "We want." Roxanne: Jerry and I discussed it. AJ: Oh! Roxanne: We did and we want you to get better. [AJ groans] AJ: What else do you and Jerry talk about? Are you listening to anything that I'm saying? AJ: Let me ask you a question about Jerry. Is he as good at eating pussy as I am? Bernie: Yeah, Sharon, the mole is fine, but with your family history, I'd lay off the salt. Now, are you... AJ: We've been asked to leave. Bernie: Oh, finally. Good night. Oh, have a doctor look at that mole. Hey, are you okay? AJ [quietly]: Best... shivah... ever. [laughing] Bernie: No, she tried to take you back to court. I... AJ: No, she wants me to get help. She still cares about me. Bernie: I had a really different take on what just happened. [AJ laughing] Bruce: So is Russ still designing? Lina: Uh, yeah. He's working for a friend of ours in the valley. He's-he's doing banners and-and invitations. Bruce: Oh. That's good. Lina: Oh, thank you. Bruce: Is he happy? Lina: I think so. Russ: Hey, uh, Lina? Lina: Hmm? Russ: The babysitter's on the phone. Lina: Is everything okay? Russ: I don't know. I think you better take this upstairs. Lina: Oh. Excuse me. What did the babysitter... Russ: The kids are fine, okay? Look. My very first longboard. Lina: Oh, yeah. Russ: And I found this. We are taking this baby home tonight. Russ: Okay, I just need you to cover for me for, like, ten minutes so I can get all the bolts out. Lina: I'm not doing it. Russ: You heard him. He blames you for ruining his life. Lina: So do you. Russ: No, but that's... different. We're married. Lina: Oh, my God, just let him keep the board. Russ: No. Lina: Yes. Russ: Doesn't he have enough? He's got this incredible house by the beach, he's got a successful company, he's got an Asian wife... Lina: Oh, I'm sorry I'm not Asian enough for you. Russ: Me, too. Lina: Oh, my God. Russ: Did you see the size of his shower? Lina: Yeah. So it can fit a wheelchair in it. Russ: I moved to the valley. I got a vasectomy. I am manager of, like, a flag and banner shop. I am paying for braces. Can you please just do this one thing for me? Lina: Fine. What do you want me to do? Russ: I just want you to occupy them, okay? Bruce: Everything okay? Lina: Yeah. You know... Ella has a virus... Bruce: Whoa. Lina: ...and, um, everyone in her class had it. Bruce: Well, we should shut the party down. Mai, put the cheese away. Lina: No, no, no. No way. We are not shutting anything down. I have a babysitter tonight. I mean, unless blood is coming out of her eyeballs... [new song comes on radio] Mm! This is my jam! [Russ grunting] My kind of party. Come on, girl, shake it. Let's get down! Bruce: Go ahead, dance with her. You can dance with her, it's cool. Yeah! [music continues in distance] Russ: Seriously? [clunking sound] [clunking sound continues under music] Bruce: What was that? [clunking continues] Russ: Get off! [rattling] [Russ speaks indistinctly] [clunking continues] Bruce: Whoa. [laughs] All right. A little room here. All right, that's enough. There we go. There we go. [Bruce groaning] Lina: Why are we going upstairs?! Hey, let's get the party down here. [mechanical whirring] [music continues] [mechanical whirring continues] [glass shatters] Bruce: What up, dawg? You going somewhere? Russ: Hey, bud. [Lina moans] Bruce: All you had to do was ask, dawg. Lina: Oh, God. Bruce: All you had to do was ask. Russ: I... All right. You hungry? Lina: Yeah. But can we go back to the valley? Russ: Yeah, absolutely. [music] Bernie: I'm, uh... going to check her for lumps. AJ: Good luck! I recently lost a loved one.

Russ and Lina go on a date in Venice Beach , where they lived before starting a family. They find a newer version of the surf shop Russ co-owned with partner Bruce, thinking he capitalized on Russ's surfboard design. Bruce is now in a wheelchair from being shot in a robbery and has sold the shop to new owners. He also blames the Bowmans for him getting shot. Russ then finds the surfboard in Bruce's bedroom and tries to steal it. Meanwhile, Bernie thinks A.J. is taking him to a strip club, but they first stop at a shiva for the mother of Jerry, Roxanne's new boyfriend. Roxanne tells an obnoxious A.J. to leave and seek professional help. He takes her advice to mean she still cares.

fd_FRIENDS_02x24

fd_FRIENDS_02x24_0

Originally written by Ira Ungerleider. Teleplay by Brown Mandell. Transcribed by Eric B Aasen. HTMLed by guineapig. [Scene: Central Perk, the whole gang is there as Joey enters] RACHEL: Hey Joey, how'd the audition go? JOEY: Incredible! I met the director this time and you'll never believe who it was. ALL: Who? JOEY: All right. I'll give you one hint. Warren Beatty. ALL: Wow! JOEY: Yeah, there's just one thing that might be kind've a problem. See, I, uh, had to kiss this guy. CHANDLER: 'Cause he was just so darn cute. JOEY: No, as part of the audition. See, I'm up for this part of this guy, who the main guy kisses. ROSS: Well, hey. You're an actor, I say you just suck it up and do it. (Rachel looks at him in disbelief) Or you just do it. JOEY: I did do it, I'm a professional. MONICA: Then what's the problem? JOEY: See after the scene, Mr. Beatty comes up to me and says 'good actor, bad kisser'. Can you believe that, me not a good kisser, that's like, like Mother Theresa, not a good mother. PHOEBE: Well, come on, who cares what that guy thinks. What does Warren Beatty know about kissing (Chandler and Monica, give her a look that says 'think about it') Ooh. OPENING CREDITS [Scene: continued from earlier] CHANDLER: Hey, what did your agent say? JOEY: Yep, this kiss thing is defiantly a problem, Mr. Beatty wants to see it again on Monday. Man, I gotta figure out what I'm doing wrong. Oh, okay, one of you girls come over here and kiss me. MONICA: What, forget it! RACHEL: Yeah, right. JOEY: Come on, I need your help here. PHOEBE: All right. I'll do it, I kissed him before I can do it again. JOEY: You see this, this is a friend. PHOEBE: Uh-huh, let's go. (they move in to kiss) Oh, wait I have gum. Okay. (they kiss rather passionately) Good, very good, firm but tender. I'd recommend you to a friend. JOEY: Then I don't know what it is. What's the problem? MONICA: Joey, you know, maybe your just not used to kissing men, maybe you just tensed up a little, maybe that's what you need to work on. JOEY: Yeah, that makes sense. (looks at Ross) ROSS: Over my dead body! (Joey looks at Chandler) CHANDLER: And I'll be using his dead body as a shield. [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe, Monica, and Richard are there] ROSS: (entering from Rachel's bedroom) Come on out, honey! I'm telling you look good! (turns around, and under his breath, to the rest of the guys) Tell her she looks good, tell her she looks good. (Rachel enters in this hideous pink bride's maid dress, with a huge silver bow on her chest, and a big, huge skirt, kinda like the one's women wore in the 1800s, Monica and Richard both stare in shock) PHOEBE: (laughing) Oh my God, you look so good! RACHEL: I can not believe I have to walk down the aisle in front of 200 people looking like something you drink when your nauseous. ROSS: So don't, I don't see why we have to go to this thing anyway, it's your ex-fiancee's wedding. RACHEL: Because I promised Mindy I would. MONICA: Yeah, well you promised Barry, you'd marry him. (Rachel glares at her, and she retreats to safety between Richard's legs) RACHEL: Look you guys, I have to go, I'm the Maid-of-Honor. And besides you know what I just need to be in a room again with these people and feel good about myself. (Chandler enters, sees Rachel in the dress and starts laughing) PHOEBE: Ooh-oh! Someone's wearing the same clothes they had on last night. Someone get a little action? CHANDLER: I may have. MONICA: Woo-hoo, stuud! ROSS: What's she look like? CHANDLER: Well, we haven't exactly met, we just stayed up all night talking on the internet. MONICA: Woo-hoo, geeek! CHANDLER: I like this girl, okay, I seriously like this girl, you now how sometimes I tend get a little defended and quipy... ROSS: Get out! RACHEL: Nooo! MONICA: Please! CHANDLER: Well she totally called me on it, okay. She said, 'cut it out, get real', and I did. RACHEL: Wow! What's that like? CHANDLER: It's like this, me, no jokes. PHOEBE: All right, stop it, you're freaking me out. RICHARD: Oh, yeah, I don't like you this way. All right, I'll see you guys later. ALL: Bye, Richard. MONICA: Bye sweetie, (kisses him) I love you. RICHARD: I love you, too. (Monica stares longingly at the door, after Richard leaves) PHOEBE: I think my boyfriend ever so dreamy, I wonder what our wedding's gonna be like. MONICA: What are you talking about? What wedding? PHOEBE: Come on, like you never talk that. MONICA: Nooo! Never! I mean, we're living in the moment. God, it is so nice for once to not have to get all hung up on 'Where is this going?' RACHEL: Afraid to ask him? MONICA: Could not be more terrified. CHANDLER: Well, I think you should seriously consider the marriage thing, give Rachel another chance to dress up like Princess Bubble Yum. [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Richard and Monica are playing with Ben.] MONICA: (holding up a blanket) Where's Benny? (drops the blanket) There he is! (does it again) Where's Benny, there he is. RICHARD: Awww! You know that's probably why babies learn to talk, so they can tell grown ups to cut it out. MONICA: Hey, you know I got a question for ya. Just a little thing, no pressure. RICHARD: Okay. MONICA: Did you ever, uh, like, think about the future? RICHARD: Sure I do. MONICA: Yeah, am I in it? RICHARD: Honey, you are in it. MONICA: Oh God, you are about to get sooo lucky. RICHARD: Oh, yeah! MONICA: Keep talkin'. RICHARD: Well, uh, sometimes I think about selling my practice, we could move to France, make French toast. MONICA: Okay, so, uh, we're in France, we're making the toast. Do you see a little bassinet in the corner? RICHARD: Like a hound? MONICA: Not a basset, a bassinet. RICHARD: You really need the bassinet? MONICA: Well, I just think the baby would keep falling off the dog. Do you, uh, do you , do you not see kids in our future. RICHARD: Oh, hey. I love children, I have children. I just don't want to be 70 when our kids go off to college, and our lives can finally start. MONICA: Uh-huh. RICHARD: Look I want you, now. MONICA: That's Great. You know we don't need to talk about this now. Really, I mean this is, is so way, way, way, in the future, I'm talkin' hovercrafts and apes taking over the planet. [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler, Joey, and Phoebe are there, Chandler is talking to his new friend on the internet.] JOEY: Come on, Chandler, I want this part soo much. (Chandler ignores him) Just one kiss, I won't tell anyone. CHANDLER: Joey, no means no! [Rachel, in her bridesmaid dress, complete with hat, which makes her look like Little Bo Peep, and Ross enter] RACHEL: Hey! CHANDLER: I'm sorry we, we don't have your sheep. JOEY: Aww, Rach, I think you look cute (kisses her on the cheek, then looks at Ross) And you, uh, you, you I could eat with a spoon (goes to kiss him). ROSS: Get away from me I said no! MONICA: (entering) Richard buzzed. He's waiting downstairs. JOEY: Oh, Richard's here. I should run down say bye to him (runs out) ALL: Bye. PHOEBE: Bye, good luck. (Rachel, Ross, and Monica exit) PHOEBE: So how's your date with your cyberchick going. Ooh, hey, what is all that (points at the computer screen). CHANDLER: Oh, it's a website, it's the, uh, the Guggenheim (sp?, I'm not an art guy) museum. See, she likes art, and I like funny words. PHOEBE: What does she mean by HH? CHANDLER: (shyly) It means we're holding hands. PHOEBE: Are you the cutest? CHANDLER: I'm afraid I might just be. PHOEBE: You know, what I think is so great that you are totally into this person and yet for all you know she could be like 90 years old, or have two heads, or. It could be a guy. CHANDLER: Okay, it's not a guy, all right, I know her. PHOEBE: It could be like a big giant guy. JOEY: (entering) Man, I got this close to him (holds up his fingers) and Monica kneed me in the back. What's going on? PHOEBE: We were just wondering if Chandler's girlfriend is a girl. JOEY: Oh, well. Just ask her how long she's gonna live. Women live longer than men. CHANDLER: How do you not fall down more? PHOEBE: Okay, ask her 'What is her current method of birth control?' CHANDLER: All right. (reading her answer) "My husband is sleeping with his secretary." She's married! PHOEBE: Well at least we know she's a woman. CHANDLER: I can't believe she's married. JOEY: Aw, man I'm sorry (starts rubbing Chandler's shoulder). This must be very tough for ya, huh (and starts comfroting him looking for a kiss). [Scene: Barry and Mindy's wedding, Monica and Richard are standing in the lobby] MONICA: So, I read this article in the paper the other day that says you're not supposed to throw rice at weddings, because when pigeons eat rice it kills them. RICHARD: Oh, that's why you never see pigeons at sushi bars.(they both start laughing at Richard's poor joke) See, we're having fun. MONICA: Oh, absolutely. Yeah, you know I'm not even thinking about that thing that we're not supposed to think about. RICHARD: Neither am I. [Scene: later the bridesmaids and ushers are getting ready to start, Ross is looking for Rachel] ROSS: Hey, there. RACHEL: Hi. ROSS: Are you all right? RACHEL: Yeah, when I was in the bathroom I saw the window that I crawled out of at my wedding, and God, I just started thinking that I shouldn't be here, you know I shouldn't, people are going to be looking at me and judging me and, and thinking about the last time. ROSS: Sweetie, it's be gonna okay, all right. It's a wedding, generally people focus on the bride. RACHEL: God I know, you're right. (Annoying wedding planner enters) WEDDING PLANNER: All rightie, everybody look at me. Good. All right, its time. Bridesmaids and ushers let's see two lines, thank you. RACHEL: Okay, I'll see you after the thing. ROSS: Okay, good luck (kisses her and leaves) RACHEL: Thank you, Okay, Okay. [Starts to walk down the aisle, unfortunately she doesn't realize that her dress is bunched up in her underwear and her butt is showing.] [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: after the wedding, Ross and Rachel are in the lobby] RACHEL: Why the hell didn't you tell me! ROSS: I'm sorry. What was I supposed to do stand up and shout 'Hey, Rachel, your butt is showing!' RACHEL: Oh my God this is sooo humiliating. I think the only thing that tops that was, was, was when I was in the eight grade and I had to sing the Copa Cabana in front of the entire school. I think I got about two lines into it before I ran and freaked out. Oh my God, my entire life is flashing before my eyes. ROSS: Rach, hey look, I remember that, it wasn't so bad. RACHEL: Oh Ross, would you stop, you got me, I'm dating you. MR. WINEBURG: Rachel! RACHEL: Oh hi, Mr. Wineburg, hi Mrs. Wineburg. MR. WINEBURG: It's so wonderful to see you again, my dear, in fact I hardly expected to see so much. MRS. WINEBURG: You told me you didn't see anything. MR. WINEBURG: I tell ya a lot things! MRS. WINEBURG: Well it's wonderful to have you up and about, again, dear. MR. WINEBURG: Stay well. RACHEL: Okay, now that is the third time someone has said something like that to me today. MINDY: (entering) Rach! Rach! RACHEL: Oh, hi! MINDY: Oh my God, I'm married! RACHEL: I know. MINDY: I'm Mrs. Dr. Barry Hunter hyphen Farber. RACHEL: Oh honey, I'm so proud of you, Min. BARRY: (entering) Min. Oh Rach, you're still here, at our wedding, they were packing up the chopped liver about now. RACHEL: Yeah, I love that story. Um, I got a question for you guys. Why do people keep is saying that is good to see me up and about? MINDY: Well uh, after you ran out on your wedding, Barry's parents told people that you were sort of....insane. RACHEL: Insane! MINDY: ...from the syphilis. RACHEL: What?! BARRY: Yeah, what are they gonna say you didn't love me anymore. Come on. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Phoebe, Chandler, and Joey are there, Joey is on the phone.] JOEY: Angela? Joey Tribiani. Listen, what are ya doing tonight. I know your seeing that guy I was thinking maybe you could bring him.....Hello? Hello? (picks up a statue of an Indian and walks into his room) (the computer bing, bongs) PHOEBE: Aren't you gonna answer her, that's like the tenth bing-bong message she sent. She wants to know what's wrong? CHANDLER: What's wrong? What's wrong? You're married that's what's wrong. (bing, bong) PHOEBE: Oh, my. CHANDLER: What? PHOEBE: She wants to meet you in person. CHANDLER: Hey, look, Phoebe I wanted to meet her in person too, okay, but she's married, she has a husband. PHOEBE: What if the husband person is the wrong guy, and you are the right guy. I mean you don't get chances like this all the time, if you don't meet her now, you're gonna be kicking yourself when your 80, which is hard to do, and that's how you break a hip. CHANDLER: Okay, I'll do it! PHOEBE: Oh, yeah! Okay! Great! Go, man, go put on your shoes, and, and march out there and meet her! (Chandler runs and picks up his shoes) Oh, wait, no, no you have to take a shower, 'cause, eww. (Chandler runs to the bathroom, as the computer bing-bongs) No, you know what you have to answer her, answer her first. (Chandler runs to the computer) No, no, you know what make some coffee 'cause its too much. (Chandler walks slowly into the kitchen) [Scene: at Barry and Mindy's reception, Monica and Richard are sitting at a table, and Monica is trying to throw a piece of candy into his mouth.] MONICA: Okay, one more, please. Come on, I'm gonna get it in this time, I will. RICHARD: Okay, last chance. (Monica throws the candy and hits some woman in the back of the head, Richard turns around and says) Again, I'm sorry. MONICA: You know what, maybe I don't need to have children. You know maybe I just think I do because that is what society, and by that I mean my mom, has always convinced me that I...(sees two little girls dancing together) I do, I have to have children, I'm sorry, I just do. BEST MAN: (standing up) Yo! Can I have your attention, please, Best Man, making a toast here. Thank you. (clears throat, and starts reading his toast) I remember when Barry got home from his first date with Rachel... ALL: What?! BEST MAN: What, (to Barry) you hired the same band I can't use the same speech. (gets a 'da-doom-chesh' from the drummer) Thank you, thank you very much. Anyway, I wish you both a wonderful life together. And Rachel... RACHEL: What. BEST MAN: No, no, no now in all seriousness, its not a lot of women would've had the guts to come back here tonight, and even fewer, who would do it with their asses hanging out! (da-doom-chesh) ROSS: (standing up) Uh, I like to, uh, to add something to that... RACHEL: Why are you adding, why are you adding, why are you adding, why are you adding? ROSS: Most of you don't know me, I'm Rachel's boyfriend. RACHEL: Oh dear God. ROSS: Ross, uh and uh, I'd just like to say that it did take a lot of courage for Rachel to come here tonight. And, uh, for the record she did not run out on Barry because she had syphilis. (da-doom-chesh) (to drummer) What are you doing I'm serious. Uh, the reason she walked out on, on Barry is simply that she didn't love him, which incidentally worked out pretty well for me (looks for the da-doom-chesh, and doesn't get one) Cheers. RACHEL: (to Ross) She you in the parking lot. ROSS: (runs after her) No, Rach! BARRY: And once again she is out of here. Okay who had 9:45? Um? RACHEL: (after a pause with everyone staring at her, she goes up to the microphone) Ya, know what Barr, I'm not gonna leave. I probably should, but I'm not, see 'cause I promised myself that I would make it through at least *one* of your weddings (da-doom-chesh). See now, tonight, all I really wanted was to make it though this evening with a little bit of grace and dignity. Well (laughing), I guess we can all agree that's not gonna happen. There's nothing really left to say except....(starts singing) "Her name was Lola. She was a showgirl. With yellow feathers (band joins in), feathers in her hair, and a dress cut down to there. She would..." ROSS: Marenge, RACHEL: (singing) "...marenge, thank you honey, and do the cha-cha. And while she like to be a star, Tony always tended bar. At the, wait, wait, everybody.." ROSS: Everybody! RACHEL: At the Copa, Copa Cabana (everyone joins in) The hottest spot north of Havana. At the Copa, Coo-pa Ca-ban-a, music and fashion were always the passion, at the Copa.... [Scene: later, Richard and Monica are dancing] RICHARD: Okay, I'll do it. MONICA: You'll do what? RICHARD: If kids is what I takes to be with you then kids it is. MONICA: Oh my God! RICHARD: If I have to I'll, I'll do all again , I'll do the 4 o'clock feeding thing, I'll go to the P.T.A. meetings, I'll coach the soccer team. MONICA: Really? RICHARD: Yeah, if I have to. Monica, I don't wanna lose you, so if I have to do it all over again, then I will. MONICA: You're the most wonderful man. And if you hadn't of said 'if I have to' like seventeen times, then I'd be saying 'okay, let's do it.' RICHARD: But you're not. MONICA: Oh my God, I can't believe what I'm getting ready to say. I wanna have a baby, but I don't wanna have one with someone who doesn't really wanna have one. RICHARD: God. I love you. MONICA: I know you do. Me too. (pause) So what now? RICHARD: I guess we just keep dancing. [Scene: Central Perk, Chandler, Rachel, Ross, Joey, and Phoebe are there waiting for Chandler's cyberchick to arrive] CHANDLER: Where is she, Where is she? (grabs Rachel) Oh, hey, I have a question, where is she? RACHEL: Chandler, relax, Chandler, she'll be here. CHANDLER: (noticing a beautiful blond walking in) Ooh, oh, oh, that's her. ROSS: (seeing her also) Yeah, 'cause life's just that kind. PHOEBE: Chandler, you gotta stop staring at the door. It's like a watched pot, you know if you keep looking at it then the door is to, never gonna boil. I think what you have to do is try not to... (Chandler's date walks in) CHANDLER: Oh my God! (it's Janice) JANICE: OH.....MY.....GAWD!! (Chandler rushes over and kisses her) ALL: OH.....MY.....GOD!! CLOSING CREDITS [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey is reading a script as Ross enters] ROSS: All right I've been feeling incredibly guilty about this, because I wanna be a good friend, and dammit I am a good friend. So just, just shut up and close your eyes (kisses Joey). JOEY: Wow, you are a good friend, 'course the audition was this morning, and I didn't get it. But that was a hell of a kiss. Rachel is a very lucky girl.

Rachel agrees to be maid of honor at her ex-fiancé's wedding, but a fashion faux pas focuses attention on her than the bride. To get a role in Warren Beatty's new movie, Joey must practice kissing guys. Monica ponders her future with Richard. Chandler falls for a mystery Internet woman who turns out to be ex-girlfriend, Janice. Monica breaks up with Richard, who is a grandfather, because he does not want more children.

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The Seeds of Death By Brian Hayles and Terrance Dicks 5:15pm - 5:40pm [SCENE_BREAK] 1, INT: MOONBASE-CONTROL (Slaar glares evilly at the humans.) SLAAR: Guard! (Through the doorway lumbers a huge green form of a Martian Ice-Warrior.) SLAAR: Kill him! (The creature brings it's weapon to bear on Locke, it flashes brightly and with a high-pitched squeal of rending airwaves and Locke falls down dead. Phipps watches in horror, then turns and desperately runs for the door of the control room.) SLAAR: Stop him! (The Warrior fires again, but the unfriendly soundwaves are seconds too late and rebound off harmlessly off the wall.) SLAAR: Hunt that man! He must not escape! (As the Warrior lumbers off after Phipps, the Ice-Lord turns accusingly back to Fewsham.) SLAAR: You allowed them to send a message back to Earth. FEWSHAM: They tricked me! I tried to stop them! SLAAR: No matter. He will be found and killed. FEWSHAM: What about me? SLAAR: Have you repaired the emergency T-Mat link? FEWSHAM: Not yet, It-it isn't easy. SLAAR: But it is possible. FEWSHAM: Yes, only give me time. SLAAR: Very well. But now you know what will happen if you fail. You will die! [SCENE_BREAK] 2, INT: EARTH-CONTROL (Radnor turns and tries to reason with Eldred again.) RADNOR: Daniel, don't you see this goes far beyond a petty quarrel over rockets and T-Mat! Those men at Moonbase are in serious trouble and we must help them. ELDRED: You'll have to find some other way. KELLY: With T-Mat dead there is no other way. Your rocket is our only hope of reaching the moon. DOCTOR: Professor listen to them... ELDRED: I'm listening. DOCTOR: In a way this is a triumph for your rocket. ELDRED: Is it? RADNOR: Of course it is! The government recognises the fact. ELDRED: Then the government is going to be disappointed! (Eldred walks over to a corner of the museum and Radnor follows him.) RADNOR: I don't understand you! ELDRED: Oh, I'd better be frank with you... RADNOR: Yes I think you'd better. ELDRED: I must admit I played with the idea of making a space flight - I even prepared a rocket. KELLY: Well then? ELDRED: Well it was...just a dream - an illusion for a disappointed man. KELLY: You mean there's nothing? ELDRED: Oh, the rocket's there partially prepared. RADNOR: Good! ELDRED: As for an actual lift off... RADNOR: We can do it Daniel, I know we can. ELDRED: It takes more than enthusiasm to get a rocket off the ground! RADNOR: You've only to ask for what you want. Funds, men, equipment... ELDRED: It needs the one thing which you have not got - time! KELLY: A crash programme with the best available technicians. RADNOR: Hm. ELDRED: It's nowhere near ready woman! Most of the equipment is still unchecked. RADNOR: A computer can be programmed for that! ELDRED: It would still be impossibly dangerous! RADNOR: Daniel, it was you who created this rocket... It was your driving force and enthusiasm that got it off the drawing board! With you in control we can't fail to succeed! ELDRED: That was a long time passed. Now my heart couldn't take the strain of the G-Force. KELLY: That doesn't mean you experience and knowledge are useless. We need your guidance. ELDRED: No... (Eldred turns sadly and walks away again. Radnor circles for a moment, then gazes at the Professor from behind the console, and opens his mouth to argue further, but Eldred cuts him of before he can utter a word.) ELDRED: I told you it's a dream! I can never go to the moon and neither can rocket - ZA685. (A small way away Jamie and Zoe are having a conference of their own.) JAMIE: Look, could we not help them? We could use the TARDIS. (The Doctor's face silently appears from behind a beam as he listens to the conversation.) ZOE: What for a trip to the moon? JAMIE: Aye. ZOE: We'd probably overshoot by a few million years. JAMIE: Huh! DOCTOR: Yes, or by a few million miles. I'm afraid that the TARDIS is not suited to short-range travel. ZOE: Still, I think we should help them if we can. JAMIE: Aye. (They all look at the Doctor and after a short pause he smiles having reached a decision.) DOCTOR: Yes. (The Doctor moves back to where Eldred is still weighing up the cons of the space flight with Radnor and Kelly.) DOCTOR: Erm, I think I could get your rocket to the moon. (Eldred looks at the Doctor in surprise, having temporarily forgotten that he was there.) ELDRED: You?! DOCTOR: Yes, I have considerable knowledge in space travel, and so have my two companions. (Radnor doesn't care who the Doctor is, for a moment he has heard a little glimmer of good news.) RADNOR: Doctor that's splendid, thank you! ELDRED: But the rocket is not ready! (Radnor frowns again.) DOCTOR: Well perhaps you're overestimating the difficulties? Ah, how much more work is required on your rocket? ELDRED: It needs fuelling, a complete computerised check-up... RADNOR: Well I can order that. ELDRED: No I will not allow it! The risk is too great, no! RADNOR: If there were any other way believe me I wouldn't even consider such a risk. (Eldred thumps the table in anger.) ELDRED: NO! KELLY: There's, ah, always the chance that the problem at T-Mat will clear itself. COMPUTER: COMMANDER RADNOR, URGENT. RADNOR: Excuse me. (Radnor walks over to the computer.) RADNOR: Radnor. Go ahead. COMPUTER: T-MAT RECEPTIONS NEW-YORK, MOSCOW, TOKYO EXPRESS GREAT CONCERN ABOUT CONTINUED HOLD-UP. MEDICAL SHIPMENTS AND FOOD SUPPLIES AWAITING TRANSIT TO ASIATIC CENTRES POSITION DESPERATE, CALCUTTA INSTRUCTIONS AWAITED. (Radnor turns to Eldred.) RADNOR: That's your answer! DOCTOR: Well we're willing to help as I said. ELDRED: You don't know what you're doing! It-it's suicide! RADNOR: Listen if this fault lasts much longer there's going to be worldwide chaos, and world population is at stake! ELDRED: Infallible T-Mat putting the world in jeopardy! RADNOR: Alright I admit it. ELDRED: And now you want this man to risk his life to get you out of trouble! RADNOR: No not me, but thousands of people all over the world who will die if we don't take this risk! I'm sorry, but I've got no alternative. Miss Kelly? KELLY: Sir? RADNOR: I want all technical personnel working on this. I want that rocket prepared for launching. KELLY: Yes Commander. (Miss Kelly strides out of the room, and Radnor turns back to Eldred.) RADNOR: We'd be grateful for your help. ELDRED: If that rocket is gonna get to the moon safely, you'll need more than help, you'll need a miracle! [SCENE_BREAK] 4, INT: MOONBASE CORRIDOR (An Ice-Warrior lumbers down the stark, metal beamed corridor, and meets up with another at the end.) WARRIOR: Continue the search, he must not escape! (Hissing at coldly at each other, they turn and depart again. One of them heads along the corridor and comes to a door marked "SOLAR ENERGY STORE ROOM") [SCENE_BREAK] 5, INT: SOLAR-ENERGY STOREROOM (Inside the small room packed with spare equipment and control panels stands Phipps. He has his back pressed up against a wall beside a piece of machinery as the Ice-Warrior moves to the door and pulls it open. The creature lumbers into the room and looks around, turning as it does so. A foot away, pressed up against the wall Phipps remains still and quiet. The warrior slowly turns full circle, it's gaze sweeping past where Phipps is. Finally making up it's mind that the room is empty, it strides out the doorway. Making sure that the coast is clear, Phipps moves over to the door and quietly closes it again. He thinks for a moment and then rushes to a desk and opens a box marked "SOLAR AMPLIFIER" and pulls out a large chunk of bare equipment...) [SCENE_BREAK] 6, INT: SPACE MUSEUM (Radnor and Kelly are whispering discreetly to themselves in a corner.) KELLY: Commander? RADNOR: Yes Miss Kelly? KELLY: Do you think it's wise letting these people crew the rocket? RADNOR: Wise? No of course it's not wise, but what's the alternative? We gave up training astronaughts years ago. KELLY: But who are they? RADNOR: Some of Eldred's crazy friends I imagine. But the man who calls himself the Doctor certainly knows his space travel. KELLY: How can you be sure? RADNOR: Well you wanted the briefing, but he and the girl know more about space flight than Eldred. KELLY: What about the boy? RADNOR: Yes I'm not sure about him. (He turns and raises his voice.) RADNOR: Er, Doctor... DOCTOR: Yes? RADNOR: Tell me, are all three of you planning to crew this rocket? DOCTOR: Oh-oh of course you mean ah... JAMIE: Oh aye of course, I can be useful too you know! DOCTOR: Jamie I hadn't thought about you. JAMIE: Hey, you're not leaving me behind and that's final! ELDRED: There can be no excess weight on this trip. JAMIE: Well how much does this rocket thing hold? ELDRED: Well it was designed for a three man crew... JAMIE: Ah, well then I'm going! KELLY: Commander? RADNOR: Yes Miss..er... KELLY: The chemical fuel reserve pumps are barely adequate for the moon journey and return. RADNOR: What about other sources of supply? KELLY: New-York and Moscow. Transit impossible due to the T-Mat malfunction. DOCTOR: But surely it's only a question of getting to the moon, we shall come back by T-Mat won't we? (Somewhere someone drops a clanger.) RADNOR: Mm? Possibly, depends what's wrong with it. ELDRED: There is another source of supply. RADNOR: Oh what's that? ELDRED: The fuel dump on the moon. There's a refuelling system connected to the landing bay. RADNOR: But surely that equipment hasn't been used for years! ELDRED: Neither has the radio homing-beam, and if that doesn't work you'll never make a landing at all! JAMIE: Oh, in that case we needn't worry about getting back! ELDRED: Well all the equipment has been completely automated and solar powered. Designed all myself, no reason why it shouldn't work. DOCTOR: I'm sure it will. ELDRED: Are you sure that you've remembered all that I told you at the briefing? JAMIE: Uh-huh. DOCTOR: Oh yes, and even if I don't, Zoe has total recall. ELDRED: Well just in case, I've written it all down here. DOCTOR: There's no need, we... JAMIE: Hah! ELDRED: And there's a map of Moonbase-Two here. DOCTOR: Uh-huh. There-there. ELDRED: Now you know how to operate the homing beam? DOCTOR: Now don't worry about a thing. Your rocket is going to be in good hands! (Jamie clears his throat skeptically.) DOCTOR: Yes, alright that's enough of that Jamie... ELDRED: And remember you've only got enough food and water for three days. DOCTOR: Yes, well we've taken... (A short way away Kelly has reached a decision, and turns to Radnor.) KELLY: Commander? RADNOR: Yes Miss Kelly? KELLY: I think I should go as crew on the rocket. RADNOR: Don't be ridiculous! You're too valuable here. KELLY: But how can T-Mat be repaired if I'm not there? RADNOR: Well what about the other technicians a-already there? KELLY: Osgood's dead! RADNOR: Yes, well...what about Fewsham, Phipps and..? KELLY: Oh he's incapable of repairing it! I think I should go. RADNOR: No! You're the only one who really understands T-Mat. I can't have you risking your life. KELLY: And yet you're perfectly prepared to let them risk theirs! DOCTOR: Now don't worry Miss Kelly, we're going to be perfectly alright! KELLY: But how can you be sure? You don't even know what the trouble is up there! [SCENE_BREAK] 7, INT: MOONBASE-CONTROL (Slaar moves across to the main panel where Fewsham is working.) SLAAR: The emergency link with Earth, is it ready yet? (Fewsham looks up from the component he is wiring.) FEWSHAM: I've nearly finished. SLAAR: Do not make any mistakes. FEWSHAM: I am not an expert. SLAAR: But you will do it. FEWSHAM: Yes! But I don't see what good just this emergency link can be. Even if you had a gigantic army of warriors you couldn't send them all to conquer Earth. (The Ice-Lord hisses to himself as he attempts to be cryptic.) SLAAR: We do not need an army. Earth will be ours for the taking, very soon... [SCENE_BREAK] 8, INT: SOLAR-ENERGY STOREROOM (Phipps stops working on his rig at the table, and looks around. He sees a battered looking circular tin solar heat-lamp and plugs it into the base of his lash-up. He holds a plug in his hand and searches around on the wall but doesn't find what he is looking for. He looks frantic, then moving a box aside he finds a socket marked "DANGER SOLAR POWER LINE".) [SCENE_BREAK] 9, INT: ROCKET (Images are shown on a circular monitor screen. With every new image there is a click. Professor Eldred's face appears first.) ELDRED: Ignition, reserve power. (His face is replaced by a gauge, then a switch then a bank of lights.) ZOE OOV: Fully charged. (Miss Kelly's face appears.) KELLY: Internal atmosphere settings? (Her face is replaced by some dial and a bank of lights, then two dials, then a row of switches.) DOCTOR OOV: All normal. (Eldred's face appears.) ELDRED: Trajectory bearings, orbiter lock. (His face is replaced by some dark circular indicators, then some dials and switches.) ZOE: Pre-set registering normal functions. [SCENE_BREAK] 10, INT: MISSION CONTROL (A small T-Mat monitoring station has been set up as a temporary Mission Control site. A few technicians seated around and Eldred, Kelly and Radnor at the main bank of controls and monitors towards the front. Miss Kelly is stares at the console.) KELLY: Lift off activation check complete. (Kelly's face is superimposed onto the speaker of the computer.) KELLY: All readings alpha-green. RADNOR: Well done. In record time and not a thing wrong! ELDRED: So far. RADNOR: Doctor? DOCTOR OOV: Er, yes? RADNOR: Final check on procedure after you land. DOCTOR OOV: Oh yes I know. We're to re-establish video link with the Earth. RADNOR: Yes that's right. When we can see what's wrong, you can do the rest under Miss Kelly's supervision. DOCTOR OOV: Right, er...we're ready when you are. KELLY: Link programme to telemeter guidance. (Kelly's face is superimposed over a pattern of computer logic blocks.) KELLY: Three minutes. Countdown will begin at T-Minus sixty seconds. RADNOR: This is it! [SCENE_BREAK] 11, MODEL SHOT: LAUNCHING BAY (The Ion-Jet Rocket stands on the pad.) KELLY OOV: All functions are on computer controlled pre-set. Clear launching site. [SCENE_BREAK] 12, INT: ROCKET (The rocket is small and crammed with a hotch-potch of computer panels and screens. Across the walls cables and wires blend the ancient pieced-together systems with the modern high-tech controls that Radnor's technicians have added at the last minute. The Doctor, Jamie and Zoe sit lying horizontally strapped in awaiting take-off. Curiously they are all dressed in their usual clothes. The only small indication that they are about to fly across the hostile, empty wastes of space towards a small orbiting rock are a pair of chunky standard space-programme headphones each.) ZOE: Three minutes seem an awfully long time. DOCTOR: Yes. You remember your take off briefing Jamie? JAMIE: Aye, he's told me all about this G-Force stuff, now I know. (He looks around the cabin nervously as if he's awaiting a tooth out.) ZOE: Oh you don't know about it 'til you've experienced it! JAMIE: Look Zoe, I'll have you know that the Doctor and I have... KELLY OOV: T-Minus sixty seconds from now. DOCTOR: There's one minute to go, now hold tight everyone. ZOE: Well I'm alright Doctor. How about you Jamie? JAMIE: Look I-I keep telling you, I-I-I'm fine! (He looks around nervously again expecting to feel the severe pain any second.) KELLY OOV: T-Minus fifty... [SCENE_BREAK] 13, INT: MISSION CONTROL ELDRED: Make sure telemeter guidance is operative! RADNOR: Don't worry everything's been checked and rechecked. KELLY: T-Minus forty. Technicians report. TECHNICIAN OOV: All areas clear. ELDRED: Check all systems. KELLY: We have! ELDRED: We must make sure! KELLY: T-Minus thirty... Twenty six. [SCENE_BREAK] 14, INT: ROCKET (The crew of the rocket sit back looking pensive.) KELLY OOV: Twenty two... [SCENE_BREAK] 15, MODEL SHOT: ROCKET (The Rocket sits on the launching pad, it's pointed nose cone stretching upwards silhouetted against a murky sky.) KELLY OOV: Eighteen... Fourteen... Twelve... [SCENE_BREAK] 16, INT: MISSION CONTROL (As Kelly counts the a light with the backwards number on is reflected on her face.) KELLY: Ten... Nine... Eight... Seven... Six... Five... Four... Three... Two... One. (She presses a button.) [SCENE_BREAK] 17, MODEL SHOT: LAUNCHING BAY (Slowly the Ion-Jet Rocket showing the ZA685 painted on the side rises into the air riding on a trail of smoke and flame.) [SCENE_BREAK] 18, INT: ROCKET (The crew of the rocket are pressed down into their seats and the rocket climbs higher. Jamie is feeling the strain as is Zoe, but the Doctor merely looks as if he is dozing peacefully.) [SCENE_BREAK] 19, MODEL SHOT: SKY/SPACE (The rocket's trajectory changes from vertical to diagonal as it leaves the atmosphere and out of the bright periphery of planet Earth towards the inky black.) [SCENE_BREAK] 20, INT: MISSION CONTROL (Kelly Radnor and Eldred look on tensely.) KELLY: We have lift off! (There is a shot of a rocket rising on the monitor screen in front of them.) RADNOR: I never thought I'd see that again - a rocket rising in flight! ELDRED: Beautiful! Let's see how they are. (Eldred flips the switch to turn on the video-link, but the screen remains blank.) ELDRED: The link is dead! KELLY: What? Something must have gone wrong on lift off. RADNOR: Try the shadow channel. KELLY: Nothing. RADNOR: Do you mean to say we're out of touch completely? [SCENE_BREAK] 21, MODEL SHOT: SPACE (The rocket speeds away from the Earth.) [SCENE_BREAK] 22, INT: MISSION CONTROL ELDRED: What about a radio link? KELLY: Earth control to rocket. How do you read me - over. ELDRED: Nothing but static! RADNOR: It's only a minor fault surely! [SCENE_BREAK] 23, INT: ROCKET (Used to instant results Miss Kelly assumes the worst and begins to urgently hail them. On the rocket the limbs of the three space-travellers are floating in the weightless environment.) KELLY OOV: Earth control to rocket, how do you read me? Earth control to rocket... ZOE: Don't you remove your safety strap until I've switched over to automatic gravity, otherwise you'll float away. KELLY OOV: ...Switch over to radio communication. Earth control to rocket, how do you read me? ZOE: Oh wait a minute! Switching to automatic gravity control... Now. [SCENE_BREAK] 24, INT: MISSION CONTROL ELDRED: Try them again. KELLY: Earth control to rocket... ZOE OOV: Rocket to Earth Control, wait a minute can't you? We've only just recovered from take-off! ELDRED: Is everything alright up there? We seem to have lost our video-monitor link. DOCTOR OOV: Yes I-I think that there must be a fault in one of the circuits... (His voice tails off.) ELDRED: Doctor? ...Doctor?! [SCENE_BREAK] 25, INT: ROCKET (The Doctor is desperately trying to fan away a rising pall of smoke from the panel he is sitting at.) ZOE: Oh what is it? DOCTOR: Well, ah, one of the circuits has burnt out Zoe. I'll-I'll switch to a secondary one. JAMIE: Oh no, this is worse than the TARDIS! [SCENE_BREAK] 26, INT: MISSION CONTROL ELDRED: Do you read me Doctor? KELLY: Sounds as though the entire communications circuitry has blown out. ELDRED: Yes, let's hope that's all that's happened! RADNOR: Keep trying Miss Kelly. [SCENE_BREAK] 27, MODEL SHOT: SPACE (The rocket is further away from the Earth now, but still on course.) [SCENE_BREAK] 28, INT: MOON-CONTROL FEWSHAM: It's done. The emergency link will work now. SLAAR: Excellent! FEWSHAM: What are you going to do? SLAAR: Do not ask questions - activate the link. On receive only! FEWSHAM: Receive? But aren't you going to send an ar... SLAAR: Activate the link on receive at once! [SCENE_BREAK] 29, INT: SPACE MUSEUM (Radnor and Kelly are having discussions with Brent who is on a video monitor link from elsewhere.) KELLY: And you've double checked everything? BRENT: Yes, the fault is definitely at Moonbase. RADNOR: Is it possible for you to effect repairs over video? KELLY: Provided the fault is not too major. ELDRED: And provided they actually get there in the rocket. RADNOR: They'll get there. ELDRED: Why? How do you know? You can't even be sure if the rocket's still in one piece! BRENT: Miss Kelly! KELLY: What is it Brent? BRENT: We've got through! The emergency T-Mat link to the Moon-Control is activating. KELLY: Is someone coming through? BRENT: No it's on send. KELLY: Moonbase must have managed to make a temporary repair! BRENT: It seems odd. KELLY: Hah it's all we need! Brent have a full emergency kit waiting, I'll join you as soon as possible. BRENT: Yes Miss Kelly crew are standing by. RADNOR: Where do you think you're going? KELLY: Well if we can send it's the only thing I can do! RADNOR: You've no idea what conditions are like up there! KELLY: I know all too well what they're like down here! And it's my job to put things right. RADNOR: Miss Kelly! You cannot assume that responsibility without authorisation! KELLY: Commander, you've stopped me once, please don't try it again. Otherwise I shall have to go above your head. (Kelly walks off with her nose in the air.) ELDRED: She's after your job Julian! RADNOR: Miss Kelly! She's a fool! If we lose her nothing can save us! [SCENE_BREAK] 30, INT: SOLAR-ENERGY STOREROOM (Phipps has rigged up three of the circular solar heat-lamps upon tripods and he moves to the power rig and squeaks the plug from the lamp wires into the solar amplifier rig. He then plugs it onto the solar power line.) [SCENE_BREAK] 31, INT: MOON-CONTROL (Fewsham sits morosely in his seat, facing the T-Mat cubicles. There is a whoosh, a cubicle glows and Miss Kelly and two technicians appear.) FEWSHAM: Thank heavens you've come! KELLY: What happened? FEWSHAM: Osgood - it must have been space-madness. He just went berserk, raving mad...it was terrifying! KELLY: Osgood? But he'd be the last man I'd have thought... FEWSHAM: Hmph, so did we. KELLY: Where are the others? FEWSHAM: When Osgood fused the controls Locke tried to stop him. Osgood killed him. KELLY: This is fantastic! What about Phipps? FEWSHAM: Well he-he was injured too, I I-I've put him under sedation. KELLY: And you? FEWSHAM: There's nothing wrong with me. KELLY: You look frightened. FEWSHAM: If you'd seen Osgood die wouldn't you be? KELLY: How did he die? FEWSHAM: He... His body's outside. He just went out. KELLY: Without a pressure suit? (Fewsham slowly nods.) KELLY: I see. Open all control sections and computer links. Fewsham what are you doing? FEWSHAM: I thought I'd best switch off the emergency link. Ah, the trouble we've got it could easily burn itself out. KELLY: Sensible. Anyway it'll prevent Commander Radnor sending up a security guard to drag me back to Reception-Earth. (In the shadows just beyond the doorway Slaar whispers to his guard.) SLAAR: The other human is still concealed, find him. He must not interfere with our plans. (With a hiss the Warrior departs.) [SCENE_BREAK] 32, INT: SOLAR-ENERGY STOREROOM (Phipps unplugs his heat-lamps and plugs in a transmitter rig. Picking up a microphone he begins to broadcast.) PHIPPS: Hello Earth-Control this is Moonbase. Emergency emergency. How do you read me? (He adjusts the equipment.) PHIPPS: Hello Earth-Control this is Moonbase. Emergency, can you hear me? (He tugs open the equipment and takes a look inside.) [SCENE_BREAK] 33, MODEL SHOT: SPACE (The rocket moves through space, now much closer to the moon, and gaining distance all the time.) [SCENE_BREAK] 34, INT: ROCKET (Inside the rocket the atmosphere has become rather fuggy from the smoking of the overheating panels.) ZOE: It's no use, no contact at all - every circuit's dead! DOCTOR: Oh dear this is most unfortunate! JAMIE: Aye well-well don't try them again you may blow up the whole rocket next time! ZOE: Well there's no use worrying about the radio now anyway, we're nearly at the end of the journey. DOCTOR: Well I had hoped we could stay in contact with Earth. ZOE: Well we don't need them. All we need to do is activate the Moon homing beam. JAMIE: Well how d'you do that? I-I-I thought we weren't in contact with anyone on the Moon? ZOE: well it's quite simple Jamie, it's an automatic device. We send out code radio signals which triggers the homing beacon into action. We automatically lock onto it. Until we reach the point in orbit where we fire retro-rockets to land. JAMIE: Oh... Ah. Ah, but-but if they've all been cut off how can they activate? DOCTOR: It works off a different power source Jamie, solar-power. It's independent of the T-Mat system. JAMIE: Aye well, I just hope it works that's all. ZOE: Well if it doesn't we're going to have trouble docking at Moon-Control airlock - it could be quite a crash. JAMIE: Hm? DOCTOR: Well lets try now shall we? I think we're near enough. (A musical chime sounds twice and a steady hum begins to issue from a speaker.) DOCTOR: There, that's our activating signal. ZOE: That's it, as long as that note stays steady we're home and dry, no trouble at all! [SCENE_BREAK] 35, INT: SOLAR-ENERGY STOREROOM (Unseen on the wall high above Phipps an indicator light marked "ROCKET HOMING BEAM OPERATIVE" blinks on He continues to try and get a message through with his radio transmitter.) PHIPPS: Hello Earth-Control this is Moonbase. Emergency, emergency! Can you hear me? Hello Earth-Control this is Moonbase. Emergency, emergency! Can you hear me?! (Outside in the corridor a patrolling pair of green scaly feet move towards a new noise. Phipps gets a little more frantic.) PHIPPS: Hello Earth-Control this is Moonbase. Emergency! Can you hear me?! (The feet move over to a doorway.) PHIPPS: Hello Earth-Control this is Moonbase. Can you hear me?! (Slowly the Warrior walks through the door.) PHIPPS: Hello Ear- (Quick as a flash Phipps pulls out the radio-transmitter plug and inserts the heat-lamp one in it's place. With the switch already pulled, the heat-lamps burst into life showering the poor Warrior with a powerful burst of UV radiation. The Ice-Warrior contorts horribly back and forth, caught in the full negative-glare of the lamps and promptly evaporates. Shielding his eyes Phipps throws the switch and the lamps cut out. He looks around. The technician idly notices that not only have the lamps have worked, but they have worked very well indeed. Upon giving the ground a curious examination Phipps discovers all that is left of the unfortunate Martian is a sticky puddle of green goo on the floor. He plugs in the transmitter again and repeats his urgent plea.) PHIPPS: Hello Earth-Control this is Moonbase. Emergency, emergency! Can you hear me? (Phipps has failed to notice that his use of the three solar heat-lamps to destroying the Ice-Warrior has burnt out the relay used by the homing-beacon system. The indicator on the wall is dark once again.) [SCENE_BREAK] 36, INT: ROCKET ZOE: The homing beam, it's cut out! DOCTOR: I know, I know I'm trying to re-activate it. JAMIE: Well what's gone wrong, I-I thought you said it was infallible? DOCTOR: Well the solar-power source must have been damaged Jamie. JAMIE: Y-you said we'd have trouble if that didn't work! DOCTOR: Yes, without the beam it'll be impossible to land safely! JAMIE: You mean we'll crash? ZOE: Well either that or drift on endlessly through space! [SCENE_BREAK] 37, MODEL SHOT: SPACE (The Ion-Jet Rocket flies on and the moon begins to grow in the distance.) [SCENE_BREAK] 38, INT: SOLAR-ENERGY STOREROOM (Phipps finishes making a few more adjustments and begins to re-broadcast again.) PHIPPS: Hello Earth-Control this is Moonbase. Emergency, emergency! Can you hear me? [SCENE_BREAK] 39, INT: ROCKET ZOE: At our present rate of drift and allowing for all the usual gravitational influences, we'll be drawn into the heart of the sun in approximately...five months and ten days. JAMIE: No need to worry about that then! ZOE: Well what do you mean? JAMIE: We've only got enough food and water for three days remember?! [SCENE_BREAK] 40, MODEL SHOT: SPACE (The Ion-Jet-Rocket's maiden voyage streaks forwards to an uncertain fate...)

Eldred agrees to supply a rocket for travel to the moon and the Doctor, Jamie and Zoe volunteer to crew it.

fd_Doctor_Who_1963_04x19

fd_Doctor_Who_1963_04x19_0

THE UNDERWATER MENACE by GEOFFREY ORME first broadcast 14th January 1967 [SCENE_BREAK] 1. TARDIS CONSOLE ROOM (JAMIE looks around him. The central column rises and falls.) JAMIE: What's this? DOCTOR: You'll find out. (The DOCTOR operates the controls.) JAMIE: Ah, I don't think I want to. BEN: It's a machine, my old haggis, it's taken you away from Scotland forever. JAMIE: Where to? BEN: Ah, well, that as the Doctor would say, that is in the lap of the gods. You never know. JAMIE: Ah, you'd not be leading me on now, would you? It's a fact, you don't know where we're going? POLLY: Quite true, and what's more we don't even know what year it will be either. JAMIE: Och, now, I don't believe it. DOCTOR: Nae man can tether time nor tide - Robert Burns. JAMIE: Hey? Who's Robert Burns? DOCTOR: Oh, I should have remembered. POLLY: What? DOCTOR: Well to Jamie, its 1746. Robert Burns wasn't born until 1759. BEN: It's all complicated, isn't it? JAMIE: What's happening now? DOCTOR: We're just beginning to land. Hold tight, everyone. JAMIE: Land? POLLY: Don't be scared, Jamie, it's alright, really. BEN: I get a sort of queer feeling. See, we never know what we're going to find, do we? DOCTOR: Ah that's the fun. Stand by, here we go. POLLY: Please let it be Chelsea 1966. BEN: Hope it's the Daleks, I don't think. DOCTOR: Prehistoric monsters... JAMIE: What have I come upon? (The Tardis lands.) JAMIE: That wasn't too bad. Lets go outside, Doctor. BEN: Yeah, Come on, Jamie, you and me first. You never know, you know. JAMIE: What? BEN: We don't know what could be waiting for us out there, do we? Come on, Doctor, open up. DOCTOR: Yes, I don't see why not. It looks alright to me. (The doors open.) DOCTOR: Wait! (The others stop in their tracks.) DOCTOR: ...For me. Ha ha ha [SCENE_BREAK] 2. BEACH POLLY: This time I'll guess where we are. DOCTOR: Alright then, where are we? POLLY: Cornwall. BEN: Ah, you said that last time. POLLY: And I was right. JAMIE: The Isles, maybe. BEN: Don't you know? DOCTOR: Haven't a clue. (POLLY laughs.) DOCTOR: Not the isles of Britain, anyway. POLLY: How can you tell? DOCTOR: This rock, it's volcanic. Not very old either. BEN: How old? DOCTOR: Oooo, Miocene. BEN & POLLY: What? DOCTOR: Only about 25 million years old. Look. (He points to the island's summit.) BEN: Hey, that's an extinct volcano, isn't it? DOCTOR: Possibly, possibly. JAMIE: Not going for a wee look round? POLLY: Yes, lets. Come on. (She slips.) POLLY: Oooo, give us a hand. BEN: Here. (BEN, POLLY and JAMIE begin their ascent.) [SCENE_BREAK] 3. MOUNTAINSIDE (BEN, POLLY and JAMIE climb toward the top of the volcano.) BEN: I don't reckon we're going to see much when we get there. POLLY: Ben? BEN: What now? POLLY: I'm beginning to see things. BEN: Where? POLLY: Down there, look. I'm sure I saw something moving. BEN: Ah, you're round the twist. POLLY: Ben, there it is again. BEN: You see anything? JAMIE: Nothing. POLLY: Ben, I think we ought to go back. BEN: No, not me, I'm having a dekko down here. JAMIE: Yeah, me too. POLLY: Wait for me! (They descend into the volcano's crater.) [SCENE_BREAK] 4. CRATER POLLY: Oh, can't we stop and have a breather? JAMIE: Ben and I'll go on, you stay here. POLLY: Oh, No. BEN: We shan't be long, love, back before you know it. POLLY: Alright. Whew. [SCENE_BREAK] 5. DEEPER INSIDE THE CRATER (BEN and JAMIE descend.) POLLY: (OOV.) aaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! BEN: Hey, that's Polly. (They turn back.) [SCENE_BREAK] 6. MOUNTAINSIDE, CAVE ENTRANCE BEN: Polly? Polly? JAMIE: She must have gone inside. BEN: Hang on, I'll get the torch. [SCENE_BREAK] 7. CAVE BEN: Polly? [SCENE_BREAK] 8. THE BEACH (The DOCTOR looks at a shard of pottery.) DOCTOR: Mediterranean. Ooo, no, tidal sea. Funny, hasn't been fired long. [SCENE_BREAK] 9. CAVE BEN: Polly? Polly, where are you? JAMIE: Polly? BEN: What's that? (Suddenly, BEN and JAMIE are caught and shoved into a cage.) POLLY: Ben, Jamie, is it you? BEN: Who do you think it is? JAMIE: Are you alright, Polly? POLLY: Yeah. BEN: When you're finished get us out of this contraption. POLLY: I can't. They tied me up. BEN: Owww... JAMIE: Who are they? POLLY: I don't know, I didn't see them. (Unseen hands throw the DOCTOR into the cage also.) BEN: That's all we needed. JAMIE: So they caught you too. (The cage they are in, an elevator, descends. The air whistles past them.) BEN: That's draughty on me eyes. JAMIE: Aye, me too. POLLY: Where are we going? DOCTOR: That, we shall find out very soon. POLLY: Wherever it is it's an awful long way down. Ow. DOCTOR: Yes, we must be below sea level already. JAMIE: It's difficult to breathe. BEN: What is it, Doctor? POLLY: This cage. I don't feel very well. DOCTOR: Here we are. Yes, well don't be frightened anybody. If we pass out it's compressed nitrogen. It's called caissons disease. BEN: Polly, try and get us out of here. POLLY: I'll try. (She succeeds in untying herself and releasing BEN and JAMIE. The travellers all black out. After a while BEN recovers first. The elevator has come to rest.) DOCTOR: Oh. BEN: What's this? Polly? Jamie? JAMIE: Oooh. BEN: Come on man, rise and shine. JAMIE: You disturb the dead. BEN: Oh you're not dead, you just got a touch of the submariners', that's all. JAMIE: What are they? BEN: Take too long to explain now. (He looks around.) BEN: This must be some sort of compression chamber. DOCTOR: Troglodytes. BEN: What? DOCTOR: Ancient tribes from North Africa who lived in caves. Possibly, possibly. Where's my diary? BEN: Cavemen? Jamie, you better watch it. With that kilt someone might mistake you for a bird. JAMIE: What? POLLY: (Recovering.) Oooh. DOCTOR: Yes, it's difficult to put a precise date on these people. POLLY: I don't think so. DOCTOR: Alright then, when? POLLY: Oh, I'd say about, um, 1970. DOCTOR: Can you prove it? BEN: Yeah, go on, prove it. JAMIE: How d'you know, Polly? BEN: Ah, she's been studying her crystal ball. POLLY: Abracadabra. (She produces a vase.) DOCTOR: Oh, how interesting, yes. Hmm. It's Aztec, fake of course. BEN: (Reading.) Mexico Olympiad. POLLY: When we first left Earth it hadn't happened yet. BEN: No, that's right, it wasn't due 'til 1968. POLLY: Right, so now its any time later than that. JAMIE: Later? Oh I wish I understood. (They notice a some men watching them. They are armed. One is obviously the leader.) BEN: Polly, you speak foreign, go and talk to him, ask him where we are. POLLY: Parlez-vous francais? Sprechen Sie deutsch? Habla si espanol? LEADER: Bazumi tampost postu! JAMIE: Au Gaelic akye? BEN: What's that? JAMIE: Gaelic. (The man gestures.) DOCTOR: Yes well, that means move in any language. I think we better comply. Women and children last. Polly? [SCENE_BREAK] 10. DINING HALL (The leader of the guards ushers the DOCTOR and his friends in. Food is laid out on the table. The DOCTOR tucks in.) DOCTOR: Oh oo. I'm so sorry. Thank you. This is good. This is very good. Mmmm. It's delicious. This is excellent. Sit down, sit down. This is ambrosia. BEN: What's got into him? POLLY: I don't know, I've never seen him go for food like this before. It's usually ham. JAMIE: Better hurry, or he'll scoff the lot. BEN: What is it? DOCTOR: Plankton. JAMIE: Plankton? What's that? DOCTOR: Well it's small plants and animals from the sea. POLLY: Animals? BEN: Yeah, little spidery ones. POLLY: Ooo, I don't think I'm very hungry, thank you. DOCTOR: You better get used to it. I don't expect there's much else to be had around here. (Some men enter the dining hall. Their leader, a priest is dressed in ceremonial robes.) DOCTOR: Visitors! Good day to you. LOLEM: We've been expecting you. POLLY: He speaks English. BEN: What does he mean, he's been expecting us? We didn't know we were coming ourselves. LOLEM: The living goddess Amdo sees and hears all. DOCTOR: And she had a message about us? For you? LOLEM: Yes. She told us you would fall from the sky, in time for our festival of the vernal equinox. DOCTOR: And just what part are we to play in this festival of the vernal equinox? LOLEM: A very important part, I regret to say. Guards. (The guards grab the DOCTOR and his friends.) DOCTOR: No wait, I have something important to say. LOLEM: Be quick and say it, then. DOCTOR: I won't speak under threats! LOLEM: You have five minutes in which to make your point. After that you will join your companions, and then we will proceed. POLLY: Doctor? LOLEM: Go, girl. DOCTOR: What will happen to them? LOLEM: They will come to no harm... yet. DOCTOR: You'll have to go, Polly. (The guards take POLLY, BEN and JAMIE away.) LOLEM: Now, stranger, say what you have to, and do not waste time, there is very little of it left for any of you. DOCTOR: What I have to say concerns a certain Professor Zaroff. LOLEM: What do you know of Zaroff? DOCTOR: A great deal. He's here, isn't he? LOLEM: How did you know? DOCTOR: The food! It couldn't be anyone else but Zaroff. He led the field in producing cheap food from the sea. His progress is astonishing. LOLEM: You are a friend of Zaroff's? (The DOCTOR writes a short note.) DOCTOR: Just send him this message, and you'll see. LOLEM: I will take no message to Zaroff. DOCTOR: You're making a big mistake! LOLEM: Yes, what is it, Ara? ARA: I've come to clear the table. LOLEM: Yes, yes, we've wasted enough time. DOCTOR: Ara, take this message to Professor Zaroff. ARA: But I.. [SCENE_BREAK] 11. THE TEMPLE OF AMDO (In the centre is a pool where several sharks circle. A chant can be heard, rising in pitch. ) POLLY: I'm scared, what are they going to do to us? JAMIE: I don't see the Doctor here, he's escaped, mebee. BEN: Ah, some chance of that. JAMIE: Oh, he's a canny one, yon Doctor. Dinna fuss yourself, Polly. LOLEM: Quiet! You profane the sacred temple with your idle chatter. [SCENE_BREAK] 12. OUTSIDE ZAROFF'S LAB ARA: I must speak with Professor Zaroff. (The guard shakes his head.) ARA: Well, Damon then. [SCENE_BREAK] 13. TEMPLE JAMIE: Ben, should we run for it? BEN: No, wait 'til we hear from the Doctor. (They are tied and moved toward the pool.) JAMIE: Put me down. POLLY: Ben? The Doctor isn't coming. (The DOCTOR arrives...) BEN: Don't worry, Pol, just got here, there's still some hope. (...but he too is a prisoner.) BEN: Oh no. [SCENE_BREAK] 14. OUTSIDE ZAROFF'S LAB DAMON: Well, girl, what do you want? Why are you not at your work? ARA: I have a note for Professor Zaroff. It's very important. DAMON: Professor Zaroff? Let me see. Oh, come, girl. [SCENE_BREAK] 15. TEMPLE LOLEM: Life is a stream of water that drains away even as time does, and cannot be reclaimed. Accept, oh mighty and powerful Amdo, these, your sacrifices. POLLY: No! Doctor! (The four are lifted by ropes and swung out above the shark pool.) DOCTOR: Hold on! Hold on for your lives. [SCENE_BREAK] 16. ZAROFF'S LAB (DAMON gives the DOCTOR'S note to PROFESSOR ZAROFF) DAMON: Here is the note. [SCENE_BREAK] 17. TEMPLE POLLY: aaaaaaaa! DOCTOR: Don't move, don't even breathe. POLLY: aaaaaaaaa! (PROFESSOR ZAROFF enters. He has some of his own guards with him.) ZAROFF: Stop the ceremony! LOLEM: You dare to interfere with the hour of sacrifice? ZAROFF: I will not interfere with your sacrifices. But I must first speak with that man. Release him! (The guards comply and the DOCTOR is released.) ZAROFF: Now, zis information you haff, what is it? DOCTOR: First, release my friends. ZAROFF: I do not care about your friends. Your information, quick! DOCTOR: But I do. Professor Zaroff, if anything happens to them, you'll never know the secret I was going to tell you. ZAROFF: (To guard.) You! Alright, release them. Take them to the labour controller. He will know what to do with them. Well, Doctor? DOCTOR: Uh, let me say how glad I am to see that the reports of your death twenty years previously are a little premature. ZAROFF: Hahahaha. The whole world believed I had been kidnapped. DOCTOR: The East blamed the West, the West; the East. ZAROFF: Oh I wish I could haff been there. DOCTOR: Now, here you are, the greatest scientific genius since Leonardo, under the sea! You must have a fantastic story to tell? ZAROFF: Perhaps I tell you someday, if you will live long enough to hear. Now this vital secret, what is it? I must know. DOCTOR: (Pauses.) I haven't got one. ZAROFF: How dare you! DOCTOR: But I'm sure a great man like you wouldn't want a modern scientific brain like mine to be sacrificed to a heathen idol? ZAROFF: You know I could have you torn to bits by my guards, yes? DOCTOR: Yes. ZAROFF: I could feed you to my pet octopus, yes? DOCTOR: Yes. ZAROFF: Well you haff sense of humour. I too, haff sense of humour. I need men like you. Hahahahahaha. You come with me, yes? Hahahahaha. DOCTOR: I come with you. (The DOCTOR laughs too.) [SCENE_BREAK] 18. WORK CENTRE (BEN, JAMIE and POLLY are brought before the OVERSEER.) OVERSEER: Your lives have been spared. See that they contribute useful service to the community. BEN: Whatever you say, mate. OVERSEER: What did you say? BEN: Oh nothing, nothing. OVERSEER: You men look strong. You'll be sent to the mines. Take them away. BEN: What? JAMIE: What does he mean, mines? BEN: Now wait a minute. Now what are you going to do with her? POLLY: Yes, what? OVERSEER: I shall decide that later. (BEN and JAMIE are taken away.) JAMIE: Don't lose heart, Polly. OVERSEER: Don't be afraid, girl. Life is very beautiful under the sea. Come on. [SCENE_BREAK] 19. OBSERVATION GALLERY OVERSEER: Seventy percent of the world's surface is under the oceans. You are looking at our food producing areas. Without it, we couldn't survive. POLLY: (Impressed.) Fantastic. What are those? OVERSEER: Those are our farmers. POLLY: I think it's splendid. All those people working under the sea to feed the others. But listen, how do they breathe? OVERSEER: We give them plastic gills. Look. (He shows POLLY a set.) OVERSEER: That surprises you, doesn't it? POLLY: Breathtaking. Sorry that wasn't meant to be a pun. OVERSEER: No not at all. No, I'm glad you're taking it like this. Some people get most upset when they find they are to have the operation. POLLY: Operation? OVERSEER: Well, of course. We couldn't send you out there without it. You'd drown. POLLY: You're not turning me into a fish! [SCENE_BREAK] 20. ZAROFF'S LAB (Ancient ruins are seen through the viewing window.) DOCTOR: Just give me a clue, Professor. ZAROFF: West of Gibraltar, south of the Azores. The Atlantic ridge, what does that suggest to you? DOCTOR: Ancient temples under the sea. But that's not possible! That's only a legend. ZAROFF: Go on, go on, Doctor. DOCTOR: We're in the ancient kingdom of Atlantis! ZAROFF: Yes, yes, and this is not the perfect place to complete my work? DOCTOR: But how did you get them to accept you? Surely science is in opposition to ancient temple ritual and idol worship? ZAROFF: I gave them a sugar-coated pill. I haff promised to lift Atlantis out of the sea. (ARA enters.) ZAROFF: Yes, what is it? Pardon me, Doctor. ARA: Doctor? DOCTOR: What is it? ARA: It's the girl. They're going to carry out the fish operation on her. DOCTOR: Fish operation? Well well. Ara, do you know where the main fuses are? ARA: Fuses? DOCTOR: Oh never mind. Go back to Polly, and if the chance comes, get her away from there! Will you do that for me? ARA: Yes. ZAROFF: (OOV.) Doctor! [SCENE_BREAK] 21. OPERATING ROOM POLLY: Keep away! DAMON: Bring her here. Don't be difficult, girl, it's quite painless. (To assistant) Light. POLLY: No! no! DAMON: We're ready now. POLLY: No no no no no no! DAMON: One tiny jab, and you'll know no more about it until it's all over.

The TARDIS materializes on a stretch of deserted beach. The Doctor and his companions are then captured and taken to the mysterious lost city of Atlantis.

fd_The_Vampire_Diaries_04x13

fd_The_Vampire_Diaries_04x13_0

One year ago [Woods] (Shane is running through the woods. Someone is running after him. He stops for a second, looks around and keeps going. The man is still running after him. He climbs on a rock and stops. He's surrounded by mountains. He smiles and keeps going. He finally enters what looks like a cave. He looks around and finds inscriptions on the walls. He finally founds what looks like a well) Present days [An island] (Shane looks around. Elena, Damon, Jeremy, Bonnie, Rebekah and Stefan get out of a boat. Ha talks to himself) Shane: Congratulations, we made it (Damon is alone. Shane rejoins him) Damon: They couldn't have hidden this cure in Hawaii? Where the hell did you take us? Shane: 200 miles off the Nova Scotia mainland. If you recall, the whole point was to hide the cure on the world's most obscure, desolate island Damon: Oh, yeah? I thought the whole point was that no one found Silas, the oldest, deadliest freak in the world Shane: Yeah, that too. Sunscreen? Damon: Is that a joke? Shane: You're right (Stefan is tying a knot. Rebekah is with him. Elena passes by them Rebekah looks at her) Stefan: Not really helping Rebekah: You're perfectly capable of tying a knot Stefan: Your giving Elena the evil eye... it's not really helping Rebekah: She killed my brother and tried to get you to put a dagger in my back. She's lucky all she's getting is the evil eye (Elena stops) Elena: You know I can hear you, right? Rebekah: You know I don't care, right? (Elena rushes over her with the white oak stake but Rebekah stops her) Rebekah: Go ahead. Try and kill me. But then you'd have to face your real problems... like the fact that Stefan invited me here himself. I guess he likes me again (She leaves. Elena gets up and goes to her backpack. Damon rejoins her) Damon: Looks like someone forgot her team-building exercises Elena: I'm not apologizing for not wanting her here Damon: You know, Stefan just brought her here to make it seem like he's moving on. He wants you to think that he's over you and he wants me to think that I can't get under her skin Elena: You know, you're right. With any luck, I'll only have to tolerate her for a few more days and then we'll find the cure and I'll never have to deal with her again Damon: Human Rebekah. Can't imagine her without fangs Elena: You know... you've never talked about what you'll do with the cure once we find it. Will you take it? Damon: I don't like to speculate (Jeremy is shirtless. Bonnie is taking pictures of his tattoo) Bonnie: Sorry. If there was a less awkward way to do this, I would Jeremy: Doesn't bother me Bonnie: These symbols must have been left for the hunters so they could find the cure, and this must be the story of Qetsiyah and Silas. According to Shane, Silas asked Qetsiyah for help making a spell for immortality. She helped make him immortal, only to learn he planned to use the same spell on another woman, not her. When she found out, she freaked Jeremy: So, Qetsiyah killed the other woman? Bonnie: Yeah. Silas was immortal. She couldn't kill him. So, she trapped him in a cave and buried him alive instead Jeremy: Does it say anything about the hunter's purpose in all this? (Shane rejoins them) Shane: I was wondering when you'd ask. Qetsiyah created a cure for immortality and then she buried it with Silas, hoping that he'd take it and die. End up on the other side with her for all eternity. But he wouldn't give her the satisfaction. So, many centuries later, her descendants created the hunters to find him, cure him, and kill him. You know what? I'll explain on the hike. Come on. We gotta get going [Gilbert's House] (Klaus is still trapped. He looks at Kol's corpse. Tyler enters) Tyler: Morning, Sunshine. You look pathetic Klaus: Only until Bonnie's spell locking me in here wears off. Then I'll look different. Angrier, perhaps. Or, I won't look like anything, because I'll have gouged your eyeballs from their sockets Tyler: My friends will be back with the cure by then. So, I could shove it down your throat and make you mortal Klaus: I'm an original. What makes you think my entire vampire bloodline won't be cured along with me? I.E., you Tyler: You know what I think? I think that's impossible. I think the moment you stop being a vampire, our whole blood connection to you is broken, and your sire-line ceases to exist. So, whatever happens to you happens only to you, which means I can kill your ass and no one else has to die. Although I am still debating just how to do it Klaus: I recommend drowning. There's nothing quite like the feeling of someone fighting for something as basic as human breath. And let me tell you, your mother was a fighter [The island] (The group is in the woods. Shane looks at his phone) Shane: Satellite phone lost its signal Damon: That's a good sign Elena: Is anyone else a little creeped out? Rebekah: So, then leave. Out of everyone, your presence is the least necessary Stefan: Please don't start Rebekah: I'm merely stating the facts. Jeremy has the spell on his body. Bonnie's the witch that unseals the cure. Shane is the human compass. You and I have the tombstone, which does God knows what. And Elena has no point Damon: What about me? Rebekah: You have a nice behind Shane: Centuries after Qetsiyah died, there were these miners who were excavating a well on the island. Suddenly went mad. Bled themselves dry. No apparent reason. So, the legend spread that these miners, in exchange for a drop of their blood, saw visions of their lost loved ones in the well they were digging. The word traveled and explorers sought out the well to see if the legend was true Bonnie: So, the well was magic? Shane: Yeah. Some people believe the voices of lost souls were just a wind vortex whipping through caves. And visions were caused by inhaling the island's poisonous plant's life Elena: And what do you believe? Shane: I believe in magic. My wife and my son died within months of each other. And so...I decided to try the well out for myself. I offered up my blood and waited One year ago [The island] (Shane is above the well and cutis his hand. He hears whispers) Shane: Hello? Hello? Voice: Atticus...? Shane: Caitlin. Caitlin? Caitlin? (He takes a rope and goes in the wall but something goes wrong and he falls at the bottom of the well, on his back. A woman appears) Woman: Hello, Atty Shane: Caitlin Present days [The Island] Shane: I saw my wife. I saw her eyes. Her smile. My blood let me see her again Damon: Yeah, got it. Don't eat the poisonous flowers (They keep going) Shane: Wait. Stop. Stop! Stop. Is everybody paying attention? (He shows them a trap) Shane: Our first lesson in survival. Stay together. Keep your eyes open (Everyone keeps going. Jeremy stops) Jeremy: I out of water Elena: Here. Take mine (She gives him her bottle) Jeremy: Magic well? Seriously? Elena: I don't know. I mean... We've all lost someone. The chance to maybe see them again? I kinda get it (They hear noise) Elena: Jeremy! (She pushes him against a tree. They turn themselves and the man who attacked them is killed) Elena: What the hell just happened? Jeremy: Somebody just saved my life (The group arrives at a cabin) Stefan: What is this place? Shane: According to island lore, a group of college kids came here for spring break. A few weeks later, they were all found dead, completely drained of blood Rebekah: Well, tragic for them, brilliant for us. Who sleeps where? Damon: Well, that's lovely. There's a mystery man with a hatchet lurking in the woods and we're just gonna camp? Shane: We're safer here than we are hiking in the dark Damon: Let's just keep going. You know? Get the cure. Get in, get out. Where is it? Shane: How stupid do you think I am? Damon: Stupid enough to raise an immortal witch, so I'd say...incredibly Shane: Yeah, I'm shocked you even want the cure, considering you've got the most to lose once Elena's human (Elena rejoins him) Elena: Shane doesn't know what he's talking about Damon: We'll find out tomorrow Elena: Do you really think I'm gonna take this cure, break the sire bond, and fall out of love with you? Damon: No. I'm saying we don't know. And if we find it tomorrow, we will Elena: This cure is gonna change so many things. Jeremy's not gonna want to kill me anymore. We're finally gonna get rid of Klaus. Bonnie's mom isn't gonna be a vampire. And anyone who wants to take this cure is gonna have that option. Caroline, Stefan, and you. If you want it Damon: I get it. Everything changes tomorrow. It'll be all unicorns and rainbows Elena: No, not everything. That's what I'm saying. Damon, not my feelings for you (She kisses him and he embraces her) [Gilbert's House] (Caroline enters and finds Tyler in the kitchen) Caroline: You're still here? What are you doing? Tyler: Gloating Klaus: Hello, Caroline Caroline: Come home. Don't stoop to his level Tyler: He destroyed my life. I plan on being present for every second of his misery until I can kill him myself Caroline: Fine. You can gloat and multitask. This place is a disaster. Starting with a horrific burnt corpse (They cover Kol's corpse) Klaus: Tyler's mother is dead. So is my brother. We're even. Call Bonnie and get her to let me out of here Caroline: I will never, ever, help you Klaus: How quickly you forget the part where I saved Tyler from the misery of being a werewolf. Or the night your mother invited me into her home to save the life of her precious daughter Caroline: How delusional are you? You killed his mother. And let's not forget that we're standing in a house where Elena's Aunt Jenna used to live. Or did you think that your charm would make us forget how you killed her, too? You know what? No. I am not going to engage in this. You are not even worth the calories I burn talking to you (She's close enough so he stakes her and takes her. He bites her, drinking her blood and releases her. She falls on the ground) Tyler: No! Klaus: Now, that was definitely worth the calories [The Island] (Stefan is sitting by a fire, the headstone with him. Rebekah rejoins him) Rebekah: Well, 7 of us and no one thought to bring s'mores. What are you doing with that? Stefan: We're a day away from finding the cure. Not letting it out of my sight (They hear a noise and she grips his arm) Rebekah: Do you hear that? I swear this place is haunted Stefan: Um...you're crushing my arm Rebekah: Ok. You got me. I'm a scaredy cat Stefan: You do realize you're an original vampire, right? Rebekah: Which is precisely why you should stop teasing me. I'm very powerful. What are you gonna do when Elena becomes human and comes running back to you? You said that you'd take the cure to be with her. You'd have children and grow old. Is it still true? Stefan: Why do you want to take it? Aren't you the perfect vampire? Rebekah: Isn't it obvious? It's all an act, Stefan. Being a vampire is miserable. I would give anything to be human. Normal Stefan: If I take the cure... It wouldn't be for her. It'd be for me (Shane is in the cabin. Bonnie rejoins him) Bonnie: I've been staring at pictures of Jeremy's tattoo and there's no spell Shane: Expression doesn't require a written spell. Just think of it as a way of accessing magic that already exists inside you. You just have to want it bad enough Bonnie: And I'm just supposed to trust you? Shane: Bonnie, listen, I taught you expression so that you could access the cure. I'll be right there with you the whole time. Promise (Damon enters) Damon: You didn't answer the trust part Shane: All right. Let me put it this way. You need me to help you through it, Bonnie. And as you've demonstrated, expression can get messy. Believe me when I say I've seen it get a lot worse Damon: How much worse? Shane: When we lost our son in the car accident, my wife kind of lost it. She tried to resurrect his body using magic Bonnie: Your wife was a witch? Shane: She was a powerful witch and incredibly undisciplined Bonnie: And you never thought to tell me? Shane: I just didn't want to scare you. The truth is, she tried to bring our son back using expression, and it overwhelmed her, and she died Bonnie: You taught me the same magic that killed your wife? Shane: I've learned the warning signs, all right? I can keep expression from consuming you Damon: Downside is, you turned her into a bomb that only you can dismantle Shane: Don't you think I know how this ends? I came here to raise Silas so that he could bring back the dead, but you're never gonna let that happen. The second I point to a cure, you're gonna kill me. Now Bonnie has to keep me alive so that I can keep her alive [Gilbert's House] (Tyler helps Caroline to lie on the couch) Caroline: Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God... Tyler: Hey, hey. Look at me. Look at me. I can fix this Caroline: How? The only thing that can heal me is his blood. Oh my god... Tyler: I know. I'll fix it (He looks at Klaus) Tyler: She'll die if you don't heal her Klaus: Okay. Beg me to save her life Tyler: Is this what you want? To remind me that I'm powerless against you? Fine. You win. I'm nothing. Now, save her. Please Klaus: I'm sorry, mate. I didn't quite catch that Tyler: Please. Please. Please save her life Klaus: See, now I think you're just telling me what I want to hear. I mean, you did call me pathetic earlier. And wouldn't it be more pathetic of me to help now, knowing that hours ago, you announced your plan to kill me in a manner in which you're still debating because you want it to have a certain amount of flair? Tyler: I'm just asking. I'll be your slave again. I'll do whatever you want. Just help her Klaus: No Caroline: Get me out of here. I can't even look at him Tyler: Come on [The Island] (Damon and Elena are looking for Jeremy) Elena: Jeremy! Did you find anything? Bonnie: He's not on the trail Shane: His gear's still here Stefan: He's not at the quarry, either Damon: Split up Bonnie: I'm gonna stay and try a locator spell Shane: Ok. I'll stay here. I'll make sure she's safe Damon: I'll stay here and make sure you're not lying Elena: Fine. We'll keep searching the island (Shane is in the cabin. Damon enters) Damon: Thought it didn't work Shane: Yeah. I'm just... just checking the signal Damon: So you can call someone? Like whoever took Jeremy? Shane: This place has a habit of getting to you, doesn't it? See for yourself Damon: I'm done trusting you (He puts Shane on a chair) Damon: Where's the cure? Shane: You know that magical well I was telling you about? Silas and the cure are buried deep below it Damon: So, you've seen it? Shane: No. But you could say I heard it from a reliable source One year ago [The Island] (Shane is in the well with his wife Caitlin) Shane: Caitlin. How is this happening? Caitlin: You're bleeding Shane: What? (He sees his back is bleeding) Shane: Oh, my God. Oh, my God Caitlin: No. It's good. It's ok. It's what's keeping me here Present days [The Island] Shane: If a single drop of blood can give you a vision, could you imagine what two liters could do? Damon: What does your dead wife have to do with a cure? Shane: She got nothing to do with a cure, but she has everything to do with Silas One year ago [SCENE_BREAK] [The Island] Shane: I'm so sorry I let things get out of control. I should've stopped you Caitlin: Sweetheart, it's ok. You wanted Sam back as much as I did. What if you had a second chance to bring us both back? Shane: I can't, baby. I'm not a witch Caitlin: We have a witch. His name is Silas. If you set him free, he'll help those who have helped him Shane: Set him free from... from what? Caitlin: He's entombed in the caves below us, but it's impossible to get him out without a spell. You need to get the spell Present days [The Island] Shane: And that's when she explained everything that I had to do. Complete the Hunter's mark to access the spell and empower a descendant of Qetsiyah to perform it Damon: Bonnie Bennett's related to this crazy-ass witch? (Elena, Stefan and Rebekah are looking for Jeremy) Elena: Jeremy?! Jeremy?! Rebekah: Why don't you yell louder? Maybe we haven't drawn enough attention to ourselves already Elena: I'm sorry, and how are you helping? Rebekah: I'm stronger than you and faster than you and I'm quite certain I can charm the islanders a lot easier than you Elena: Not disagreeing on the easy part Stefan: All right, we get it. You two hate each other. Can we just keep going, please? Rebekah: I tried being her friend, but somehow, I ended up with a dagger in my back because I'm the evil one Elena: Technically, you didn't achieve evil status until you killed me (She trips on something and a big piece of wood with nails is about to stab her but Rebekah catches it) Stefan: Nice catch Rebekah: Thank you Elena: No, actually, thank you. This thing would've killed me Rebekah: I don't care what happens to you either way. But if you're gonna die, it might as well be epic Elena: I'm gonna go back and check on Bonnie, see if she found anything. Be careful (Shane is still sitting on the chair) Damon: You have the rock, hunter, Bennett witch. What about the dozens that died in sacrifice? Where do they fit in to all this? Shane: As you can imagine, that was not an easy pill to swallow One year ago [The Island] Shane: Caitlin, it's me, the guy who refused to serve a meat course at our wedding. I can't--I can't orchestrate 3 massacres Caitlin: You're merely leading these people so Silas can bring them back from the dead Shane: Why... why should they die just to be resurrected? It doesn't make sense Caitlin: The spell that brings me back requires a witch to channel an extreme amount of mystical energy. Energy that doesn't occur in nature Shane: Because it isn't natural. I'm sorry, Cate. I just... I can't do that to innocent people (She touches him) Caitlin: Can you feel my touch? Shane: How is this possible? Caitlin: Because you believe it is possible. You believe that you can see me again. You don't have to take a single human life yourself, Atticus. All you have to do is convince someone to believe that it is possible that they can see a lost loved one again. And they'll do it for you Present days [The Island] Damon: Which is how you manipulated the pastor to blow up a farmhouse full of people Shane: He just wanted to see his wife again Damon: We need 3 massacres. Fire at the young farm. Holiday hybrid slaughter. What mass blood-letting am I forgetting? Shane: You're not Damon: You're not finished. Is that why you brought us all out here in the middle of nowhere? Massacre number 3? Shane: It doesn't work that way, Damon Damon: I think you need to tell me where this magical well is Shane: You know I can't do that Damon: Oh, I know (He taps his shoulder) [Caroline's House] (Caroline is lying on her bed. Tyler's with her) Caroline: It's getting worse. I'm sorry Tyler: No. It's my fault. I'm sorry Caroline: No. You didn't do any of this Tyler: I unsired the hybrids and turned them on Klaus. I should've just left it alone Caroline: You freed them, Tyler. People put their faith in you because you're a leader. Don't forget that Tyler: Then you trust me? [Gilbert's House] (Tyler lays Caroline in front of Klaus) Tyler: You want to be in control, Klaus? Here. Now you get to be in control of her life. If you want her to die, fine. But then you can sit here and watch her die yourself (He leaves) Klaus: Nothing personal, love. If I heal you that means victory for him. Don't worry. It won't be long now [The Island] (Shane is tied to the chair) Damon: Where's the cure? Shane: Does it matter? I think we both know you'd rather just torture me. Torture gives you a sense of control, especially with your relevance slipping away. I look at you. Here you are, hours from Elena breaking her sire bond. Start to freak out a little bit. Listen, you want my advice? Leave. Go. Don't put yourself through this (Damon hits him) Shane: Oh! Fine. Ok. Let's say her feelings for you are real. How does that end? She's human. You're a vampire. It's doomed, Damon. See, you're not torturing me, man. You're torturing yourself by helping them find the cure Damon: I could kill you. Then no one would find it Shane: We've established that you can't kill me without sending Bonnie off the deep end. You can leave the island. Have a modicum of self-respect. Don't stay here and watch Elena walk away from you Damon: Right. Because if I'm not here, then I can't get in between you and whatever you're planning with Silas. I'm not that easily manipulated, Professor. And there is one flaw in your logic. I don't give a crap about Bonnie Bennett (He's about to kill him but Elena intervenes) Elena: What is wrong with you? (Damon leaves. Elena frees Shane) Elena: What did you say to him? Shane: Your boyfriend's a maniac, Elena Elena: Stop messing with my friends (Elena is outside and is going after Damon) Elena: Shane is the only thing that's keeping Bonnie safe, and you try to kill him? And you wonder why Bonnie hates you Damon: I don't wonder, Elena, because I don't care. I don't care about her. I don't care about some lame-ass cure for vampires, either Elena: How can you say that right now? Damon: Because I don't want you to be cured Elena: I'm not fighting with you about this anymore. Being human isn't gonna change my feelings for you Damon: Fine. Say they're real. Say you've become human and you still love me. Then what? You grow old. You die. I stay a vampire. Face reality, Elena. We don't work Elena: So, things aren't easy and you're just gonna push me away now? That's what you do, Damon. You think that you don't... you don't deserve something, so you ruin it. I'm not gonna let you pull that this time. Take the cure with me. That's how much I know this is real. That's how certain I am that I'm going to love you even after this is all over. Take the cure. Be human with me. We can be together. Grow old together. This doesn't have to be hard anymore Damon: That's not me, Elena. That's Stefan. I used to miss being human. Now I can't think of anything more miserable on earth (He leaves) (Stefan and Rebekah are still in the woods) Stefan: Haven't we been through here before? Rebekah: It all looks the same to me (He trips on something and an arrow is shot. He pushes Rebekah out of the way and pushes her against a tree) Rebekah: Thanks. But that wouldn't have killed me Stefan: Sorry. Force of habit Rebekah: Don't be a tease. Elena could be lurking somewhere in the woods Stefan: Do you mean what you said? About a cease-fire? Rebekah: Why do you all assume that I hate Elena so much? Stefan: Well, I mean, you did run her off a bridge Rebekah: You all seem to forget that Elena's death was the only way to save my family. I did the same thing that every one of you would've done to protect the people that you love. And before you cast me as the bad guy, maybe you should remember that Elena's helped to kill not one but two of my brothers. Maybe we're not as different as everyone's making us out to be. Jeremy's not here. I'm going back (She leaves) (Elena enters a tent, looking for Bonnie) Elena: Bonnie? (She rushes in the cabin, looks around and then goes out. Stefan and Rebekah arrive) Elena: Where is everyone? Stefan: What are you talking about? Elena: Bonnie is not here and Shane's stuff is all gone Rebekah: Oh my god (She rushes to her backpack and looks inside) Rebekah: The tombstone's gone [Gilbert's House] (Elena is lying on the couch. She's in a really bad shape and breathing weekly Klaus is standing) Caroline: If you don't feed me your blood, I'll die Klaus: Then you'll die, and Tyler will have learned his lesson the hard way Caroline: How could you do this to him? To his mom? To me? Klaus: I'm a thousand years old. Call it boredom Caroline: I don't believe you Klaus: Fine. Then maybe it's because I'm pure evil, and I can't help myself Caroline: No. It's because you were hurt. Which means that there is a part of you that is human Klaus: How could you possibly think that? Caroline: Because I've seen it. Because...I've caught myself wishing that I could forget all the horrible things that you've done Klaus: But you can't. Can you? Caroline: I know that you're in love with me and anybody capable of love is capable of being saved Klaus: You're hallucinating Caroline: I guess I'll never know (Her breathing is even more weakly than before) Klaus: Caroline. Caroline (He finally makes her drink his blood) [The Island] (Rebekah is in Elena's tent and looking through her stuff. Elena enters) Elena: What are you doing in my tent? Rebekah: Where's the tombstone? What have you done with it? Elena: What are you talking about? Rebekah: Like it's not bloody obvious? All you people ever do is betray me and here you go again (She strangles her and Stefan enters) Stefan: Let her go. She didn't take it Rebekah: Was any of this real? Was it just a ploy to distract me while Shane ran off with the tombstone? Stefan: You think I would do that? You think I would let some psychopath run off with the cure? Every single moment of my last 146 year has been ruled by the pain of being a vampire. And this cure ends that. It ends the guilt and it ends the suffering. And you really think I would jeopardize that? Rebekah: Fine. You didn't take it. But that doesn't mean I trust her (Elena takes the white oak stake from her backpack) Elena: I didn't take it, but here. Consider this a peace offering Rebekah: Don't you get it, Elena? There is no peace. We're all screwed Elena: Exactly, Rebekah. We're screwed. Bonnie's gone. Shane's got the tombstone. Jeremy's missing and who knows if Damon's coming back. So, us 3 right here, this is all we've got. So, we're either in this together... or it's over. For all of us (Rebekah takes the stake) (Shane is running through the woods with the tombstone. Jeremy's kidnapper rejoins him with Jeremy) Shane: Jeremy. Was a bit of a scare yesterday. Thanks for fending off his attacker Kidnapper: His attacker? Shane: Jeremy was attacked by an islander. I assumed you were his hatchet-flinging guardian angel Kidnapper: That wasn't me Shane: Then I guess there's somebody else on this island who's desperate to keep our hunter alive (Bonnie rejoins them) Bonnie: How did I get here? What the hell's going on? Shane: I see your locator spell worked Bonnie: The path behind me... Shane: Magically disappeared? You can thank the talents of Massak. He's a witch. Should you try to escape, he'll ensure that you never find your way back. So, the gang's all here. Silas awaits (Damon is walking alone in the woods. Someone shoots an arrow at him. He removes it) Damon: You got to be kidding me (A man attacks him. They fight and Damon sees the tattoo on his hand) Damon: You're one of the five (The hunter breaks his neck)

Shane leads an expedition to a desolate island off the coast of Nova Scotia, where he believes the secret of the cure lies hidden. On the trek to the island's interior, Rebekah and Elena continue their bitter rivalry, Stefan does his best to keep the peace, and Damon accuses Shane of leading them into a trap. Bonnie and Jeremy try to figure out the message of the Hunter's mark, while Shane reveals more of the legend of Silas and the witch Qetsiyah, along with his own personal history. Back in Mystic Falls, Tyler confronts Klaus, and Caroline is caught up in the violence that follows.

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Lucas : sometimes when you look back at your life, certain moments stand out ... the day you graduated high school, your wedding day, the day you found out you were going to be a father. Most of the time, they happen in that order. Most of the time exactly what I want? IN THE WOOD Lucas : You know, just when I thought it was weird that I'm going graduation, pregnancy, marriage, I remember that you went marriage, pregnancy, graduation, and just don't feel so bad Haley : Well, I'm glad I can be your weird example. No parents today, huh? Lucas : Uh, no. My mom, actually, is stuck at a resort in Granada. And Larry's on a dredging boat off the coast of Iceland somewhere. We were gonna wait, but, you know... Haley : It's gonna be a great day, Luke. Lucas : Or not. Haley : Oh, my god. What happened? Lucas : Peyton says the minister just fell through ... Some sort of mix-up. Haley : Oh, no. Wait! don't freak out. My sister, Quinn, got married by a friend of hers who got ordained on the internet in like 30 seconds. Lucas : Is that even legal? Haley : Yeah. Anybody who's ordained can sign a marriage license. The ceremony's just symbolic. Lucas : Huh. Haley : How cool ... don't you think that would be so awesome, to get married by a friend of yours, somebody who's known you most of your life? Lucas : I do. Haley : Sweet! who should we get? Lucas : You. Haley : Y ... me? Lucas : Come on, you're my best friend and Peyton loves you and ... I just ordained you. So, uh, god, you're gonna be great, you know that? I got to go, but, uh, thank you, minister. Haley : "Minister." Jamie : Is this really necessary, uncle Skills? Skills : Well, considering the way you got snatched up by that crazy-ass nanny at Luke's last wedding. Yeah, it is. Jamie : But I'm on a leash. It's embarrassing. Skills : Tough, kid. We're not taking any chances. Now, you got that walkie-talkie, right? Okay, talk into it like I told you. Jamie : Denzel, this is Macaulay. Denzel, this is Macaulay. All clear. Skills : Okay, good work, and don't even think about trying to go to the bathroom. ** You're playing it cool, I know what you do** **I feel like a fool, but I would be feeling that anyway** **'cause nobody loves me...** AT CLOTHES OVER BROS Peyton : Okay, what do you think? Brooke : I think you and your 8-month-old sidekick look beautiful. Come here. Do you need to sit down? Peyton : Oh, I'm good, for the 50th time. Brooke : Well, you're supposed to be on bed rest, not getting married and going to a reception. Peyton : The doctor said it's fine. Brooke : The doctor also said to not over do it, So do not overdo it. As much as I love a wedding, I love you and your baby more. Peyton : If anything happens to me, I want you to take care of Lucas ... If when the baby comes, if anything happens, okay? Brooke : Nothing's gonna happen. Peyton : Brooke. Brooke : You shouldn't talk like that. Peyton : Honey, we have to talk like this. Okay? Everybody else has avoided it. I just really need you to hear me out. Brooke : Okay. It's just scary, that's all. Peyton : I know. But I do not want Lucas to be alone... Or our baby...Or you. Brooke : Peyton. Peyton : Have you talked to Julian lately? Brooke : I've been kind of busy, And he's working on a new movie, you know? Are you scared? Peyton : I'm scared I'm gonna miss it all. My life with Lucas and the baby, and my friends and my family...and you. Brooke : It's not fair. Peyton : Hey, when I think of everyone else out there in the world that goes through their life alone and then I think of all the amazing years I've gotten to spend With my beautiful, beautiful best friend, Brooke Davis... I kind of feel sorry for everybody else. Brooke : You're gonna ruin our wedding makeup, you bitch. Peyton : Oh, I'm sorry. Brooke : If you're stupid, skinny ass goes anywhere before I say so, we are not best friends anymore, you got it? Peyton : I got it. Brooke : Okay. Peyton : I love you. Brooke : I love you, too, P. Sawyer. Let's go get you married. AT TRIC Mia : Check, check, 1, 2. Check, check. Chase Adams, you look hot. Get over here and kiss me. My boy looks good in a suit. Chase : Boy's gonna wear a suit more often. So, what's your take on weddings, Catalano? Mia : Hmm. Big fan. You? Chase : Mm. more of a reception guy. Awkward family members, open bar. Mia : Slutty wedding s*x. Chase : Totally slutty wedding s*x. And there's always that bridesmaid who just gets all drunk and freaky. Mia : Yeah. Brooke is Peyton's bridesmaid. Chase : Right. I should, uh... Mia : Hey, Adams, play your cards right, It might be you having the slutty wedding s*x. Chase : Got to wear more suits. IN THE WOOD Brooke : Knock, knock! Lucas : Hey. Brooke : Hi. You look nice. Lucas : Well, thank you. Brooke : Now, get out of that ratty thing and try on one of these tuxes. I didn't know exactly what size you were because I couldn't ask Peyton 'cause I want to surprise her. Lucas : Brooke, you didn't have to do that. Brooke : I know. But if a girl's gonna have a last-minute shotgun wedding, the least her boy can do is rock a little Hugo Boss. Now go. I will wait. Lucas : Hmm. All right. **you know** **things never turn out** **the way I want them to** **but we're all, all born innocent** Nathan : Hell of a view. Haley : Hey. Yeah, it's really beautiful out here, isn't it? Nathan : I didn't mean that view. Haley : Ohh, I was worried about you. Did your practice run late? Nathan : Yeah. oh. Haley : Well, your suit's in with Lucas. You should probably go get changed. Nathan : Okay. Uh, where's the boy? Haley : He's with Skills, god help us. He'll be really excited to see his dad. Nathan : Well, I'm really excited to see his mom. Haley : I am loving this whole "you going away and coming back" thing. Nathan : Yeah. **save some for me** **or save it for yourself** Nathan : Haley ... I love you. Haley : Thanks, baby. I love you, too. **save it for yourself** Lucas : And voil . Brooke : Now, that is more like it. Okay, there's a tux in there for Nathan. I got his sizes from Haley. I need to go change now. Lucas : Hey, Brooke, you, uh, you got a second? Brooke : Uh, yeah. Lucas : Well, look, I know you don't have a date for the wedding. Brooke : It was kind of last-minute, dude. Lucas : All right, well, maybe I invited someone for you. Brooke : Lucas, you cannot do that to me. First of all, I am not anybody's pity date, and second ... What does he look like? Lucas : Oh, the girls really seem to like him. Brooke : Who is it? Is he hot? Lucas : Uh... I'm just gonna go over here now. Julian : From the look on your face, I take it Lucas didn't tell you he invited me. Brooke : No, but it's good to see you. I guess now it'll look like we both actually had dates. Julian : Yeah, actually, the thing is ... Missy : Julian, we should probably ... Brooke, hi! Brooke, you remember ... Brooke : Missy, the other me of course. Hi. Missy : Come on, baby. We should probably get a seat. Julian : Yeah, okay, one sec. Brooke : No, she's right. You should go. Julian : It's good to see you. Mouth : I'm so scared. Oh God, I'm so scared. Skills : Mouth. Mouth : Sorry. Millicent : Honey, to you're just supposed film the wedding, okay? It's a happy day. Think happy. Brooke : I am so pissed right now! That whore stole my man! Haley : Okay, but it's their wedding day, so don't you think it's time you let it go? Brooke : Not Peyton, you dork, Missy. Haley : Who is Missy? Brooke : Missy me ... the other Brooke from the movie. Haley : Oh, sure, right. Yeah, I have no idea what you're talking about. Brooke : Okay, focus. Julian is here. He brought Missy, that little slut actress, as his date. He's unbelievable. What is he thinking? Peyton : That you said no. Brooke : Would the bride like to wear red today? Peyton : I can't believe I'm gonna be eight months' pregnant on my wedding day. Haley : Can I talk you into 8? With a real minister? Peyton : Haley, you are gonna be great, all right? Just speak from the heart. And if you get in trouble, go with song lyrics, Like, um... "After the fire, after all the rain, I will be the flame." Haley : That's pretty good. Peyton : Cheap trick. Millicent : You look beautiful, Peyton. Peyton : Thank you. I have to pee. Millicent : Mmm. I always liked that cheap trick song. Haley : Yeah. It's good. It's good. Mouth : There's the altar Haley put together. That's happy. There's Skills hitting on Jamie's teacher, Miss Lauren. They're clearly planning on having slutty wedding s*x, and that's ... happy. Hey, guys, say hi to the camera. Skills/Lauren : Hey. Mouth : What's crackin', Luke and Peyton? Skills : Hey, it's about time this thing goin' down. Man, we've been waiting since our days back on the river court. Back when Luke used to talk about how Nathan wasn't good enough for P. Sawyer and how he planned on stealing her away. I remember Luke used to talk so much trash about Nathan, man. Mouth : Okay, I think we're good. Hey, Lauren. Lauren : Hey. Mouth : So, uh, how's Jamie? Skills : Man, Jamie Scott on lockdown, bro. Lauren : Um, Antwon... Skills : That damn kid ... Lauren : Is a genius. Skills : Hey, Macaulay, this is Denzel. Where the hell you at? ON THE BRIDGE Nathan : Hey. Haley : Hey, handsome. You okay? Nathan : Yeah. No, not really, actually. They called up Nino. Clippers were looking at both of us. They decided they needed more scoring. Haley : I'm sorry, baby. Nathan : The thing is, I taught Nino how to play shooting guard. I fed him the ball. And now he's in the NBA, and I'm ... not. Haley : You were being a good teammate, and somebody's gonna see that. Nathan : The chiefs have never sent two guys to the pros in the same year. Haley : Okay. Nathan : I'm sorry, Hales. Haley : Hey, stop it. You don't have anything to apologize for. You do great. We're proud of you. We're proud of you every day. Okay? Nathan : Okay. Haley : All right. I love you. Nathan : I love you. IN THE WOOD Mouth : There's the groom. Cold feet, Luke? You're hiding from Peyton? Lucas : No. Brooke. Mouth : Why Brooke? Lucas : Because I invited Julian, and he brought a date. Mouth : Ouch. I'll, uh, edit that part out. THE CEREMONY Nathan : Hey. Lucas : Hey. Nathan : All right, that's us. Whatever I said before Lindsey's wedding, just go with that. Lucas : God, you suck at this. Nathan : Wow, the minister's hot. Haley : Hey, shh! Mia : Slutty wedding s*x. Chase : Stop it. Mia : Just saying ... considering your history, she might want another 30 seconds in heaven from you. Chase : 45 seconds ... And every single one of them outstanding, thank you. Haley : You look beautiful, Brooke. Brooke : Hotter than Julian's skanky Brooke-a-like, right? Right?! Haley : Yeah, totally. Lucas : Right. Nathan : Absolutely. Haley : Okay, um, you can sit, everyone. Wow. Well, we are gathered here today before god and nature to join Lucas Scott and Peyton Sawyer in Holy Matrimony. Lucas : Nice work, Hales. Haley : Thank you. Haley : Now, some of you may be wondering where the word "matrimony" comes from. Well, interestingly enough, the word "matrimony" is from the Latin root word for "motherhood," which I think is really appropriate today. Well, the thing is that, uh, every, um ... Rose has its thorn. Just like every night has its dawn. Just like every cowboy sings a sad, sad song. Peyton : Poison? Of all the lyrics ever written, you're gonna go with "every rose has its thorn" by poison? Haley : I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Oh, I just ... I don't ... Really, Skills? Skills : Jamie Scott! Macaulay! Boy, get your ass back over here. You're killing me, man. Haley : Okay. Oh, wait a minute. Ohh, uh ... "Peyton Sawyer will become Peyton Scott". Lucas wrote this in the 8th grade. I remember him talking about her constantly, and not just in the 8th grade, in the 9th grade and the 10th grade and 11th grade. And, finally, in our junior year, Lucas gathered up his courage and talked to Peyton for the first time right here at this lake ... And she was a bitch. He said, "Haley, I talked to her!" And when I asked him if the fantasy was finally over, if he could finally admit that Peyton Sawyer was human after all. He said, "No. Peyton Sawyer is not human. She's an angel. And she's my angel". I believe in true love. I believe in love at first sight. I believe love conquers all. And that doesn't mean there's not gonna be hard days or difficult things to deal with, because there will be. But finding that person who does it for you and knowing, that person loves you back. It just makes everything so much easier."Peyton Sawyer will become Peyton Scott". That was the dream. And here we are 10 years later, and we all get to witness today a dream come true. Okay, Luke. **darling, so it goes** **some things were meant to be** Lucas : Peyton ... I've loved you since the first time I saw you. And this ring and these words are just simply a way to show the rest of the world what has been in my heart for as long as I've known you. I love you ... Peyton Elizabeth Sawyer. I always have, and ... I always will. Peyton : Lucas Scott ... We've been through so much together. And despite how confused I've been or lost I might have gotten, there was always you ... Finding me and saving me. You deserve to be adored, so that's what we're gonna do your baby and me. We are going to adore you for years to come. I am so terribly in love with you. And I always will be. **falling in love, in love with you** Haley : Well... By the power vested in me by oneminuteminister.com ... I know pronounce you man and wife. Lucas Scott, you may kiss your bride. Lucas : Finally. **falling in love** **falling in love** **with you** AT THE STUDIO Brooke : Well, well, Nick Lachey. Nick Lachey : Brooke Davis. Brooke : Sounds good in here. Nick Lachey : Thank you, thank you. But, uh, you just kind of ruined it. Brooke : Oh, I'm sorry. I just haven't seen you in forever. And I wanted to come say hi. Nick Lachey : Well, I'm glad you did. You look great. Brooke : Thanks. You too. Perfect. Okay. I'm gonna need you to go ahead and put that on. Wh... Nick Lachey : Okay? **oh oh oh** **ooh ooh ooh** **oh oh oh** **ooh ooh ooh** **so you see** **you've got me back again** **for more** **and it seems** **your song is in my head** **this is war** **mystery** **how I could feel you** **breathe me** **I was sure** AT THE RECEPTION Julian : Lucas ... congratulations, my man. Lucas : What the hell were you thinking bringing movie Brooke, huh? Julian : I'm thinking movie Brooke is the only Brooke that likes me. Lucas : Maybe so, but I invited you to be real Brooke's date. And she's gonna lose her mind. Julian : Why? Did she say something? Lucas : You're trying to make her jealous, aren't you? Julian : Am not. Lucas : Right. Julian : Luke, you invited me to your wedding. I brought a date. That's it. Missy : Hey, Lucas, congratulations. Lucas : Hey. Hm-hmm. Brooke : Aw, somebody has a type. Luke, Julian, I'd like you to meet my date, Nick Lachey. Nick Lachey : Hey. Nick Lachey. Hi. Julian : Hi. Nick Lachey : How are you, man? Missy : Oh, my god. Nick Lachey : Yeah. Hi. Julian : Missy, come on. Missy : But ... But ... bye. Nick Lachey : So, who got married? Julian : Unbelievable. Missy : I know, right? Julian : She's so not making me jealous With the guy from "Dancing with the stars." Missy : No, that was drew. he was so awesome on that. Julian : Whatever. "Laguna beach," then. Chase : No, that was some other tool. Missy : So, I guess Nick Lachey's gonna be pretty happy tonight. Brooke Davis, slutty wedding s*x. Lauren : Okay, just ... just a little. Um, champagne makes me a little wild. **hey ** Skills : Oops. Lauren : Oh, okay. Jamie : We need to talk. IN A BEHIND ROOM Jamie : I'm having a little problem with you and miss Lauren. Skills : Wait, Jamie, you're the one that fixed us up in the first place. I thought you was okay with this? Jamie : I thought I was, too, but first granny Deb and now my teacher? I don't know, Skills. Skills : I'm...sorry, bro. I never meant to hurt you. Jamie : You really like this girl, huh? Skills : I do. A lot. Jamie : Okay, but just stay away from Madison. **that you left me hanging** **like you did** **it was brave** IN THE RECEPTION Missy : So, I remember everyone was totally rooting for Stacy Keibler, but I thought that Drew was, by far the better dancer and cuter, too. Nick Lachey : Cool. I'll, uh ... I'll be sure to tell him. Julian : Sorry about that. I was just hanging with the guys at the bar. Nick Lachey : Like who? Julian : Oh, you know, just my boys. We're like a gang of guys, you know, just a band of boys, really. Like a boy band. Nick Lachey : Hmm. So, Julian, how'd you and Missy meet? Brooke : They met on a movie. Nick Lachey : Oh, yeah? Brooke : A failed movie, actually. Missy : Have I mentioned how great your new song is? I totally think it's gonna be a hit. Julian : Is it hot in here? yeah, it's like crazy-hot in here. It must be like, what, 98 degrees? AT THE STUDIO Julian : Ow. What's with guys in Tree Hill punching me? Peyton : You teased him about his boy band. Julian : Well, yeah. Peyton : You used to love them. Julian : I know. That guy is so cool. Peyton : How -- how the hell am I supposed to compete with that? Um... Julian : Did she tell you what happened? Peyton : Not really. And that's how I know it must be really hard for her. She tends to struggle through the big stuff all by herself. Julian : I miss her so much, Peyton. Peyton : Well, maybe you should tell her that. I got to get back out there. Julian : You cleaned up pretty nice today, sawyer. I'm happy for you. Peyton : Talk to her. Julian : Aah. OUTSIDE Mouth : Haley said you came out to get some air. I thought you might want to talk. Nathan : She told you. Mouth : Nah, I got it off the wire at the station. Sorry, man. Nathan : You know, I'm happy for Nino. I hope he sticks. It's not about that. Mouth : Sure. Listen, I, uh, called the chiefs to get a quote, And they asked me if I had seen you. They said you were unexcused from practice. Nathan : Yeah, the wedding was last-minute. I wanted to be there for Luke. Bobby just didn't see it that way. Mouth : Is that all it was? Nathan : I don't know, Mouth. Maybe this was all just a pipe dream that I needed to let go of at some point, Get on with my life in the real world, you know? Mouth : Well, I'm around if you need anything. Nathan : Thanks, man. I'll see you in there. Mouth : Nate, for what it's worth, if I could play the game like you can, I'd play wherever I could till they wouldn't let me play anymore. Nathan : Thanks, Mouth. AT TRIC Lucas : How are you feeling? Peyton : Like a princess. Lucas : Look, I know it's not exactly how we planned it. Peyton : It's better. Lucas : You feeling okay? I mean, the doctor said ... Peyton : I'm fine. I'm better than fine ... husband. Mia : Hey, everybody. First, I just wanted to say congratulations to Lucas and Peyton. This song is called "Sweet Silver Lining," And it's about being brave In the face of obstacles and pressures and the unknown. And I wrote it for the bride, who's also my boss and friend. Peyton : Come on and dance with me. Lucas : Hey, you know what the doctor said. Peyton : Dance with me, you fool, or I will go find Julian. Lucas : Fine. I'm gonna go ask Nick Lachey to dance. **...home ** **downhearted and hoping** ** I'm close ? Haley : Buy me a drink, sailor? Nathan : I never drink with the clergy. Haley : How about a dance, then? Come on. **there's a reason for everything** **that comes and goes** **but so many people are looking to me** **to be strong and fight** **but I'm just surviving** **and I may be weak, but I'm never defeated** **and I'll keep believing** **in clouds with that sweet silver lining** **and most days** **I try my best** **to put on a brave face** **but inside** **my bones are cold, and my heart breaks** Let's dance. **something's keeping me safe and alive** **but so many people are looking to me** **to be strong and to fight** Haley : Nathan, be here with me. Nathan : I'm sorry. You do look beautiful tonight. Haley : Yeah. Come here. **and I won't give up like this** **i will be given strength** **now that I've found it** **oh, nothing can take that way** **so many people are looking to me** IN THE WOMEN TOILET Nathan : Haley, what are you doing? Haley : Kiss me. Nathan : Oh, Haley James Scott, this is a women's bathroom, you're a teacher, and your son is out there. Haley : The doors locked, I'm not a teacher anymore, and our son is dancing. Now kiss me. I don't care if you're not in the NBA. You are my husband, and you are so damn sexy to me. **...never defeated** **and I'll keep believing** **in clouds** **with that sweet silver lining** **oh, yeah** **sweet silver lining** **ohh, yeah, ohh, yeah** AT TRIC Nick Lachey : Brooke, I'm gonna take off. Brooke : Are you sure? Why? Nick Lachey : I think you've made Julian jealous enough, don't you? Brooke : Is it really that obvious? Nick Lachey : It is when you kiss me. and you forget ... I've had a real Brooke Davis kiss. I can't believe that guy ruined it for me. It makes me want to punch him all over again. Brooke : Thank you. Yeah. Nick Lachey : I'll just, uh ... I'll just leave the tux with Haley, okay? Brooke : Okay. Nick Lachey : Oh, Brooke, I know Julian left with Missy, but he's clearly still into you. Brooke : You think so? Nick Lachey : Oh, yeah. Good night. Skills : So, I guess that's another date gone wrong. Lauren : What do you mean? Skills : Our dates. The damn kids. Deb broke up with me because she said I should have kids. After our last two dates ... man, I don't even like kids. Lauren : You are lying. You love Jamie so much, and he loves you back. And I think a guy who appreciates kids is so sexy. Skills : Hmm, really? Lauren : Oh, yeah. You know, the date's not over yet. You still got that leash? Julian : Can I have this dance? Brooke : No, thank you. Julian : You either dance with me or say you love me ... It's your choice. I thought so. Brooke : I thought you left. Julian : Nah. I was just avoiding you and Nick Lachey ... and putting ice on my eye. Brooke : What happened to Missy? Julian : She left. I, um...accidentally called her "Brooke" at the bar. How's Sammy? Brooke : I don't know. She, uh...went to live with her birth mom. Julian : Oh. I'm sorry. That must have been hard for you and Sam, too. I mean, you know she loves you. Brooke : Yeah. Julian : I wish you would have called and told me. Brooke : You know what? I'm sorry, Julian. I can't do this. Julian : What? You can't dance with me? Brooke : I can't ... I just ... I miss you. AT SCOTT'S HOUSE Nathan : My girl was kind of dirty tonight. Haley : She was not. Nathan : She was. But I liked it. I skipped practice to be here today. I didn't want to miss the wedding, you know? I'm getting tired of missing everything else. Haley : Are you really getting tired of missing everything, or is your ego just bruised because Nino got called up? Nathan : I'm getting tired of failing. Haley : Come here. **so we lie here in the dark ** **all the wrong things on fire** Haley : That little boy's hero is his father. The rest doesn't matter. **to be with you** **just to be with you** **in your wedding dress** **to have and to hold** AT THE BAR Chase : You blew it up tonight, you little rock-star goof. Did you have a good time? Mia : Yeah. I'm a little bummed, though. I don't think anybody actually had slutty wedding s*x. Chase : Well, not yet. Mia : Right. 30 seconds of heaven. Chase : Ha ha 45. Julian : Bourbon is a good, honest drink. Chase : No, it's not. I saw you dancing with Brooke. Didn't you have a date? Mia : Yeah. Chase : She did, too, right? What happened to them? AT THE STUDIO Missy : Oh, my god, you look just like Drew. Nick Lachey : And you totally look like Brooke. AT CLOTHES OVER BROS Julian : Brooke. Hi. I saw the light on. I thought maybe Brooke was here. I'm Julian. Victoria : Of course you are. Victoria Davis. Julian : Of course you are. Would you ask Brooke to call me, please? Victoria : You do realize the name of the company Is clothes over bros, yes? Julian : My father always made me feel like I wasn't good enough. Anytime I had any success, He would remind me of my failures. I see that in Brooke. She's so talented and good-hearted and beautiful, but she carries around this feeling That she's not good enough. And she has you to thank for that. Nice work. Victoria : Are you finished? Julian : No. not yet. I love your daughter. I'm in love with her. And one of these days, she's gonna love me back. And when she does, I want you to understand something. You're either gonna learn to be nice to her ... or you won't be in her life. It was nice to meet you, Victoria. Feels like I've known you all my life. **just to be with you** **in your wedding dress** **to have and...** AT LUCAS'S HOUSE Lucas : Okay. You ready? Peyton : This feels vaguely familiar. Uh-huh. Lucas : All right. And open. Peyton : Lucas Scott, it is beautiful. Lucas : Well, thank you, Peyton Scott. Peyton : Say that again. Lucas : Peyton ... Scott. Peyton : Oh, god, I love the way that sounds. Lucas : We should get you to bed. It's been a long day. Come on. Peyton : It's been a perfect day. Lucas : I think you could handle maybe just ... One more surprise. Peyton : What? I didn't get you anything. Lucas : It doesn't matter. Just wait right here, okay? Stay. Hey ... I love you, Peyton Scott. **let go** **thought I'd lost you** **thought I'd lost you** **I gave you away** **thought I'd lost you** **I'm jealous of the moon** **for how it moves the waves** **in your wedding dress** **to have and to ho-o-o-ld** **even at my best** **I want to let go** **go** Lucas : Hey, Peyton! Oh, Mrs. Scott? Peyton! Oh, god. No, no! Oh! ohh! Stay with me! Peyton!

Peyton and Lucas' wedding day has finally arrived and surprise guests attend. Haley plays an unexpected role in the ceremony while Nathan hopes to be called up to the NBA. Skills keeps Jamie on a short leash, and Brooke does the same with Nick Lachey as she tries to make Julian jealous after he shows up with a date. This episode is named after a song by Kate Voegele .

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[Scene: Joey's Dorm Room. Joey and Eddie are sitting on her bed. Joey is trying to study from one of her text books, while Eddie is trying to kiss her neck.] Eddie: Mmm--mmm--mmm. Joey. Joey: Studying. Eddie: Joey. Joey: Still studying. Eddie: How come you don't want to get with me? Joey: What are you going on about? Eddie: Since I've been back, nothing. Nada. A drought of epic proportions. Is there a hygiene issue I'm not aware of? [The door to the room flies open and Audrey comes in carrying a bunch of suitcases.] Joey: Audrey? Audrey: Hi, bunny! Joey: Oh, my god! Audrey: Hi! Ohh, you flunked out of school. How sad. Death of a dream and all that. So, guess who was on my plane? Joey: Audrey, you're back a day early. Audrey: Yeah, I got early parole for good behavior. Well, actually, the rumor has it that Courtney Love was checking in, and they needed the extra room. So, guess who was on my flight. Eddie: Pilots, stewardesses, and assorted passengers? Audrey: Well, that's funny, but no. I'm only talking about the sexiest man in all of America. Joey: Audrey, don't you want to maybe relax, get settled? Audrey: Oh, come on. No one's ever too busy for a quick game of "guess who was on my plane." Trust me, this one's really good. Joey: Ok, fine. Uh, uh, uh... Bad Pitt? Audrey: [Sighs] Will you work with me, Potter? That is so obvious. No, this guy is way hotter. I'm talking like the thinking girl's dream. Eddie: Oh, Ian Ziering? [Both laugh] Audrey: Duh. Dr. Drew. Joey: Impressive. I would have thought he was a little too, uh... clinical for your tastes. Audrey: It's kind of a rehab thing. You start to crave men based on who'd look cutest in a white lab coat. Eddie: Who's Dr. Drew? [They both turn and look at him like he is crazy] Audrey: Are you serious? Joey: You know. Dr. Drew and Adam Carolla? Of Loveline fame? Popular radio call-in show where they espouse advice to pathetic losers with massive sexual hang-ups. He used to be on MTV. Audrey: Uhh. Jeez Louise. Looks like Mr. Good wrench has been too busy throwing his back into his living to soak up a little pop culture. Eddie: What's MTV? Kidding. Audrey: So anyway, what are the odds? Joey: Well, pretty good, considering they're going to be at Boston Bay tomorrow. Audrey: Wh-wh-what? Where the hell have I been? Oh, right. I've been in rehab. Joey: Yeah, they're putting on some fund raiser for the counseling center, and Jen gets to play host. Audrey: Oh, my god. This is perfect. She can totally intro me to the doc. I knew it was destiny. I gotta pee. [Audrey runs into the bathroom] Joey: She's baaaaaack. [Both laugh] [Opening Credits] [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: The Help Center. Jen is frantically attempting to untangle the phone cord on her phone, as CJ is walking in the background with a clip board. He looks over and sees her and smiles] Jen: Is it too much to ask that we invest in some cordless phones around here? [CJ comes over to join her.] CJ: You excited about the hosting gig tonight? Jen: Mm-hmm. CJ: Yeah? Who knows? You could become the next Ryan Seacrest. You could borrow one of his man-blouses. Something wrong? You seem a little tense. Jen: No, I'm really not. I'm fine. CJ: Come here. Sit down. Jen: No, that's ok. CJ: Come on, come on, come on, come on. [He sits her down on a chair in front of her, and then begins to massage her shoulders.] CJ: There, doesn't that feel better? So I was thinking, after tonight's soiree, you and I can slip back to my place for a little night capper? You, me, some cheap champagne, a little Fleetwood Mac. Jen: I can't. CJ: Ok, no Fleetwood Mac. Jen: No, um... it's not that. I mean, I just... I can't. I can't. CJ: Why not? Jen: I have to help grams. CJ: I can help grams. Let me come. Jen: I don't think that's a very good idea. CJ: Why not? Because, C.J., I'm breaking up with you. I'll see you tonight. [She gets up and leaves and he can do nothing but sit there and stare.] [Scene: Joey's dorm room. Joey is getting ready for class, as Eddie is sitting on the bed watching her get ready.] Eddie: Joey? Joey: Yes, Eddie? Eddie: Um, we never got a chance to finish our conversation. Joey: And what conversation was that? Eddie: About how you're repulsed by me. Joey: I am not repulsed by you. Eddie: Then why won't you get with me? Joey: Would you stop saying "get with me?" It's creeping me out. Eddie: Sorry. Joey: And I... I don't want to talk about that. Eddie: What? Joey: You know. Eddie: What, s*x? You don't want to talk about s*x? Joey: No! Eddie: Why? Joey: I don't know. I just... I don't. Eddie: Oh, I get it. I understand. I repulse you. Joey: You don't repulse me. Eddie: It's ok. This happened to me before. Joey: It has? Eddie: No. Joey: Eddie, you know what? You don't get anywhere talking about s*x. You just make me uncomfortable. Eddie: Clearly. [Suddenly the covers on Audrey's bed burst forward and Audrey comes out of under them] Audrey: Oh, my sweet lord! Will the two of you just do it already and be quiet? Joey: I have to go. I have a quiz. Eddie: Well, fine. Maybe we can not talk about this later. Joey: Gladly. [She leaves] Audrey: Do you want to make out? Eddie: No. Audrey: [Laughs] Good. That was your test, buddy. You break her heart again, and I'm going to kill you. You got it? Eddie: Yeah. [Scene: The ticket stand. David and Jack are working the Ticket stand for the Loveline show, and selling tickets to the long lines of people who are there. David is just finishing up selling a ticket to a girl, when a guy has some questions after buying his ticket.] David: Have a good one. Fred: Hi. David: Hi. Fred: So, is there, like, assigned seats, or how does this work? David: No, it's general admission. First come, first served. Fred: Great. So if I wanted to sit by someone specific, the best way would just be to ask him? David: Uh, yeah. Fred: So...you going with anybody? David: Me? Fred: Yeah. Is that a problem? David: Oh, well...uh, no... normally, I wouldn't mind, but, uh... you'd have to ask my boyfriend Jack. [Jack turns an look at Fred] Jack: You rang? David: Uh, yeah. I thought I'd introduce you to this guy who just had the good taste to hit on me. Uh, Jack, this is... Fred: Uh, Fred. David: Fred. Jack: Hi. Fred: Sorry about that. Jack: Not a problem. It's cool. I mean, you know, it's not cool, of course. Although I do like to pimp him out from time to time. Fred: [Laughs] Gotcha. Jack: It was nice meeting you. Fred: You, too. David: Hi. .He seemed nice. Jack: Yeah. [Scene: The set for the Loveline show. Jen is pacing on the stage with a bowl of cheese cubes in one hand and a clipboard in the other.] Jen: Why am I doing this? David: Eating cheese? Jen: No, no, this. I'm not--I'm not cut out for this. What if nobody talks? I mean, at least at the help line I can hang up on them. But what if nobody asks any questions? What am I going to do? David: Run and hide and curl up in a fetal position hoping nobody finds you? Jen: I need a ringer. David: A what? Jen: A ringer-- somebody to ask pre-planned questions during uncomfortable moments of silence. David: Well, don't look at me. I suffer from glossophobia. [She just looks at him in confusion.] David: It's a fear of public speaking. So my duties tonight will be strictly limited to ticket taking, which I will now go do. Good luck. Jen: Thanks. [He leaves her to go back to her pacing. CJ comes from back stage and walks over to her.] CJ: Hi. Jen: Hi. CJ: So... Jen: so... [Sighs] What are you doing here? CJ: I'm helping you host the event, remember? Jen: Yeah. Right. CJ: Um, about what happened earlier Jen: You know what? I can't really talk about that right now. I'm sorry. I... I've got so many notes to go over, and...cold cuts, I have these really wonderful cold cuts that I don't want to go to waste. CJ: Ok. Fair enough. Yeah. I'll just go get ready. Good. [Jen goes backstage and Audrey comes running up to Jen.] Audrey: Oh, my god! Where is he? Jen: Who? Audrey: Who? Who? Oh, Jen, Jen. Sweet, sweet, Jen. Such an amusing facade, but it's of no use. You can't keep us apart. It's destiny, I tell you. Destiny. Jen, he was on my plane. [Adam Carolla takes this as his opportunity.] Audrey: Ladies, put the claws back. No need to fight. Plenty of room on the Carolla coaster for everyone. Jen: I'm afraid I won't meet the minimum-height requirement. It's nice to meet you. I got to go. [Jen leaves them alone] Adam: Well, what about you? You want to hop on board? Audrey: I wasn't talking about you, doofus. I'm kind of looking for Dr. Drew. Adam: Pinsky? Audrey: Yes, yes! Do you know where he is? Adam: That geezer's probably out casket shopping. He's old. He's an old man. He's old enough to be your grandfather. Whereas I, I'm just old enough to be your daddy. And plus, the guy's a bore. He's an amazing bore. He never stops talking about gonorrhea and hepatitis G. Believe me, I know. I have to share a hotel room with the guy. Cheap bastards. Audrey: Oh, my god. You've shared a room with him? Tell me something. [Whispering] Have you seen him naked? Adam: [Whispering back] Yes. Yes, I have. [Scene: The Seats for the show. Jack is sitting on the end chair with an empty chair next to him, with his coat sitting on it. The rest of the seats are already full, and Fred comes over and stops next to him.] Fred: I hate to tell you this, but in about 2 minutes, there's going to be a riot for that seat. Jack: [Laughs] Hey. Fred: Hey. Jack, right? Jack: Yeah. Yeah. Fred: Fred. So...where's the boyfriend? Jack: Well, that would be the question of the hour. Clearly not where he's supposed to be. Fred: But it is taken, right? The seat? Jack: Uh...yeah, you know, I was, um... [He grabs the coat of the empty chair and stands up so Fred can get by him] Jack: What the hell. It's all yours. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: The Seats for the Loveline show. Joey and Eddie are making their way over to some empty seats towards the front.] Eddie: Just so you know, it's over. Joey: What is? Eddie: The trust. Joey: Are we still talking Eddie: Done. Gone. Finito. Deader than disco. You allowed me to think that I was good at it. Joey: Good at what? Eddie: The sweet, tender lovemaking that couples tend to engage in upon day's end. Joey: Look, you are good at it, ok? Now could we please stop talking about this? Eddie: No. No, we can't. And I thought the whole point of this evening was for people to get together and talk about their problems. Joey: We're freaks, but we're not those kinds of freaks. Sit! [She points at one of the two empty seats.] [Scene: Over by Jack's seat. Jack and Fred are joking with each other, when David comes walking up to them and has a dirty look on his face.] Jack: Lying on the ground, his tongue is just hanging out of his mouth, vultures flying over his head. And he goes to the farmer, he goes, "shh. They're just about to land." [Laughs] Fred: Oh, man. You're definitely going to get punched for that. David: I could think of worse things. Like not saving your boyfriend a seat? Jack: David, hey. You remember, um... David: I remember. It's nice to see you again. I thought we said the right side of the stage. Jack: We did. We, uh... see, I meant from the front. [Applause] Jack: From the front, it's the right, but if you're coming from the back, I could see how you could have... uh... you know... I'm Fred: I'm sorry. It's my fault. I'll move. David: Good idea. [Scene: The stage for the Loveline show. Jen comes out to announce the arrival of Dr. Drew and Adam Carolla as they come out and take a seat on a couch that has been set up on the stage.] Jen: They are both the hosts of the wily popular radio show Loveline. I'd like to go ahead and take this time to introduce our esteemed guests Dr. Drew and Adam Corolla. [Applause] Jen: Um, ok. Well, since our time here is limited, and I'm pretty sure that everybody knows how this works. With no further ado... who has the first question? [No one speaks] Jen: Ok, not everyone at once. [Still no one, then Audrey begins waving her hand in the air] Audrey: Oh, Jen. Jen, pick me. Lindley! Jen: Uh, anybody. Anybody. Bueller? Bueller? [Adam takes this chance to try and prod them on] Adam: Come on. You people are in college. Your crabs have gonorrhea. Where's the questions? CJ: I'd actually-- I'd actually like to pose a question, if I may? Jen: Actually, C.J., I think it's your job to field the questions, not ask them. You field, they ask. Field. Ask. Field. Ask Dr. Drew: It's that's ok, Jennifer. We're not exactly worried about form here. So go on, C.J., Ask your question. CJ: Uh, ok. Well, there's this, uh... girl that I have-- or had a relationship with. Adam: She was a s*x buddy? CJ: No, she, uh... she was a girlfriend, actually, and we were together for several months up until this morning, when she dumped me like a sack of rotten trash. No explanation, no warning, no nothing. Dr. Drew: Were there any warning signs? Any problems in the relationship? CJ: No, none. Well... I did sleep with one of her friends. Adam: But just one, right? Women don't--they don't mind that kind of stuff. Can't be that. CJ: But she knew about it and it was before we got together, so that doesn't really count, right? Dr. Drew: Have you simply tried asking for an explanation? CJ: That's the thing. Every time I try to talk to her, she treats me like I'm father Damien. [They look at him strangely] CJ: He was a leper. Adam: Oh, sure. The famous leper, father Damien. Drew, you wrote your thesis on father Damien, did you not? All right. Listen, I say run. I mean, this chick's a head case. She's going to take you down, I promise. Jen: Thank you, Adam, for that astute insight, but if you don't mind me saying so, I think that C.J.'S problems here are really subordinate to those of the many members of this audience who have actually paid good money to listen to your vastly under qualified advice. Adam: You're so lucky I don't know what "subordinate" means, honey. [Audience laughs] [Scene: Else where in the audience. Eddie is still trying to get Joey to talk with him about their situation.] Eddie: So I guess we should probably just break up then, huh? Joey: [Whispering] Would you be quiet? Eddie: Well, I need to know what's going on here! Joey: Shut up. Eddie: [Whispering] Don't tell me to shut up in front of all these people. What I don't understand, Jo, is why is so hard for you to talk about s*x?! [Adam sees Joey and Eddie arguing in the audience] Adam: Whoa. What have we here? We got to hear more about this. We got a wiener in the crowd here, Drew. Dr. Drew: Let's get a mike over to these guys. [Someone hands them a microphone] Dr. Drew: This will make a good question. Joey: Uh, no, that's ok. There's no problem. Eddie: Nope. Nope. No problem at all. Adam: Oh, yeah. Yeah, there's a problem, or you wouldn't have been screaming like a girl 10 seconds ago. We need to hear this problem. What is it? Eddie: No, it's really it's ok. It's not--it's not that bad, actually. Joey: Yeah, he likes it that way. He prefers it, actually. Dr. Drew: I'm sorry. I think I missed something. What's your name? Joey: Joey. Eddie: I'm Eddie. Joey: But like I said, we have no problem. Dr. Drew: Oh, if you say so. But you can't help but wonder, Adam, should a couple that's not even mature enough to talk about s*x be having s*x? Adam: Yeah. Eddie: Give me this. That's what I'm saying, dr. Drew. It's exactly what I'm saying. Well, not exactly what I'm saying. I mean, she is a little, like, uptight about the whole thing. Joey: I am not. Eddie: Yes, you are. Adam: Listen, listen. This long-distance relationship is breaking my heart. Let's get you two up on stage where we can thump you like melons. What do you guys say? [Applause] Eddie: [Sarcastically] Thank you. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: The Loveline show. Jen is helping Joey and Eddie put on some Microphones as Joey gives Jen a dirty look. Audrey is trying to get Jen's attention.] [Cheering and applause] Audrey: Jen! Jen! I really have one. Jen! [Jen ignores Audrey] Joey: Just so you know, I'm going to kill you afterwards. Jen: Ok. Dr. Drew: Now why don't you two start by telling us about this relationship? Eddie: Well...I'll start. It's all very simple, actually. Today, I realized that the girl that I have been opening my life and baring my-- my naked soul to for the past 6 months is a phony. Dr. Drew: 6 months. Is that how long this thing's been going on? Joey: Well, it's hard to tell exactly. I mean, we met in the fall, but we really didn't like each other Eddie: Oh, hey, stop. Ok, look, I had no beef with her, but she--she obviously... you know, was in love with me... in her own emotionally unstable way. Joey: Emotionally unstable? I'm emotionally unstable? Eddie: Yes, look in the mirror, Joey. Joey: Who packed up and left with no forwarding address at the first sign that this thing was getting serious? Eddie: Oh, I came back, didn't I? Joey: No, not willingly. Eddie: I'm sitting here. Joey: I had to come looking for you, didn't I? At a significant loss to my personal dignity, thank you very much. And then, to celebrate... he left again. Dr. Drew: And throughout all this, you kept having s*x? Eddie: Oh, yeah. Adam: No wonder she's screwed up. Joey: Thank you. Wait a second-- Adam: Listen, I don't like the cut of your jib, son. I mean, you have s*x with her, then you dump her. Then you try to get her trust back, except for you abandon her again. So you've abandoned her twice, and now you're perplexed as to why she won't trust you when you've dumped her 2 times? Are you high, son? I mean, no wonder she's cut you off. Drew, if you treated me this way, I'd cut you off... in a heartbeat. Dr. Drew: That's why I treat you the right way. Adam: That's right. Dr. Drew: Joey, is this abandonment a big issue for you? Joey: No. Dr. Drew: Are you on any medication? Joey: No! Dr. Drew: Is you dad around? Is he a big figure in your life? Is anything going on with him? Joey: You know what? Dr. Drew, I thank you for everything, but I--I think I've had enough, and I'm going to head back to my seat now. Dr. Drew: Not so fast. Listen, Joey, nothing to be ashamed of. Common problems, all right? Tough to talk about. Jennifer, I'm sure people call the help line all the time with things like this. Jen: Oh, yeah. Constantly. There's really nothing to be embarrassed about. You're very normal in your abnormality. Joey: Jen, perhaps there's someone else in the audience that would like to ask a question. Jen: Oh, yes, yes, with the raised hand. Who is that? David: Uh... my name's David, and I need to know what the proper response might be when you find your boyfriend openly flirting with some other guy right in front of you? Jack: I wasn't flirting. Adam: Since when is having an idle chat considered flirting, my friend? We have a couple of dates, he thinks he owns me, Drew. Dr. Drew: Adam wants to be your boyfriend. He longs to be gay. David, uh, was this a monogamous relationship? David: Yeah. I thought it was. Dr. Drew: I see. So you're kind of wondering whether it actually is monogamous. Well, obviously, you guys need to talk about this. Um, you know, one possibility is that he's acting out right in front of you, because he's trying to give you a message, and he just doesn't have any other way to tell you. Jen: Or maybe he's just one of those people who's really super-nice to everybody so it seems like he's flirting, but actually, he's not, 'cause nobody's that stupid. So, my advice on this would just be forgive and forget. Adam: Are you high, missy? You got to dump this guy, and I'm not saying that because he's a gay. Jen: Um...ok, why don't we go to Mandy behind the screen? Mandy, what's your question? [They turn to a silhouette screen, and a girl is behind it when another comes in and pushes her out of the way.] Jen: Mandy? Audrey: Oh. Hi. Sorry, no. Actually, my name is Audrey, and my question is specifically for Dr. Drew. Um, I'm about 5'7". I've got blond hair, blue eyes, great rack. Jen: Audrey, question. Find it. Audrey: Oh, right. Ok. Well, um... several months ago, I realized that I had a serious problem with alcohol. I had all these negative feelings about my life, and I was using alcohol as my escape. And in the process, I hurt a lot of people that were very close to me. And if it hadn't been for those very same people, I probably would not have gotten the professional help that I needed. So after spending several weeks in a rehab facility in southern California, um... I guess my question to you is this, Dr. Drew-- how would you like to go back to my dorm room and play a little game I like to call "dirty doctor and naughty nurse?" [Audience laughs] Jen: Ok... Audrey, that was touching. Let's move on, shall we, to- CJ: You know, we really haven't had a chance to get a woman's perspective on some of these matters. Uh, tell me, Jennifer, getting back to my problem, why do you think this girl decided to rip my heart out without any explanation? Jen: Well, if you ask me, C.J., I think the time for your problem has come and gone. Now, since we have with us here the experts onstage who are here to answer people's questions Adam: Oh, experts, huh? A minute ago, I was hack, now I'm back to expert? That's nice. Dr. Drew: Actually, Jennifer, that's not a bad idea. You should answer this question. Everyone's here to support the help line. Why don't you give them a sample of what they can get when they call in? Jen: Ok. If think that that question has many parts. One, it seems to me that this girl isn't really out to get you, that maybe, in fact, she's just confused. CJ: To say the least. Jen: And 2, maybe she has a lot on her plate at the moment, so she doesn't feel like she has the time for a relationship. Adam: And 3? Jen: That's it. Adam: You can't just start stringing together a list of reasons and stop at 2. Jen: Says who? Adam: Says who? Says--says me. Says Drew. Says our parents. Remember your mom said that to me, Drew? Dr. Drew: Yes Jen: Ok, fine. You get 3. Listen, I just don't want a boyfriend at this point in time, ok? Adam: Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Dr. Drew: "I don't?" Adam: This is the head case he's talking about. He's talking about her. Jen: No. Yes. I am the girl that he is referring to, but no, I'm not a head case. Dr. Drew: Oh, wow. This is so, why did you dump this guy unless you don't feel comfortable talking about these issues. Jen: No, it's just, um... Adam: He beats you, right? I knew it. I could see it in his eyes, Drew. Dr. Drew: Seriously, is there something about this guy you don't like? Or is it something about him, or something about the relationship? Jen: No, no, I like him. I like him. What's-- what's not to like? He's perfect. He's the perfect living embodiment of everything that I've ever wanted in a boyfriend, but never thought that I would actually find. You're kind, you're caring, you're sensitive, you're not wigged out by gay people. Adam: He is kind of cute. He's got a bit of the Spader working for him. Jen: If I were to start a boy from scratch, this is what he would end up as. Dr. Drew: All right then. So, why would you sabotage this? Why would you take someone good, someone you described as wonderful, perfect, and just drive him away? Jen: Can we turn this back to Joey? She's more screwed up than me. Joey: Hey. Dr. Drew: Were either of you abused when you were kids? Jen: No. Joey: No. Eddie: Joey's dad did some time in the big house. Joey: Maybe we could bring Jack up here for some humiliation. Eddie: No, no, no. Don't Change the subject again I still intend to get some answers from Sally Albright CJ: Hey, get in line, pal. At least you still have a girlfriend. Audrey: Jen, I really need to know what kind of undergarments Adam: When we get back to L.A., I'm putting this knee in my agent's groin. Jen: You know what? It's over. I'm obviously not equipped to be here. So if you have questions and you need answers, you should all call the help line. [Jen leaves and goes back stage where she runs into Audrey.] Audrey: Oh, my god. Jen, what was it like to be that close to him? Did you get to touch him? What does he smell like? Jen: Audrey, how would you like to see him up close and personal? [Jen hands Audrey the Microphone.] Audrey: Are you saying what I think you're saying? Jen: Yes. Take over the hosting duties. Audrey: Oh, I thought you wanted me to sing. Oh, well. A gig's a gig. Thanks. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: The Loveline show. Audrey is now hosting the show. She begins the question answer session and we jump from question to questions and answer to answer.] Audrey: Ok, people, since our lovely hostess with the mostess Jen Lindley picked now to have a mental breakdown, I'll be your Ricki lake for the rest of the evening. Now, who's got the next question? You! Up top! Funny shaped head. What do you got? Guy: Um, Dr. Drew, is it true that men only want s*x and women only want relationships? Audrey: I can tell you first hand that ain't true. I could tell you stories that would boggle your pea-sized little brain. I once [Cut] Adam: Asked this girl to do it while I was driving once, but she got all sketchy. Said it wasn't safe [Cut] Dr. Drew: To engage in high risk behavior. If you have, you should see a doctor immediately, and then ask [Cut] Guy: Is someone under 5 feet considered a midget? Adam: Official midget height is if I'm wearing a pair of stilettos and I can rest my [Cut] Adam: This laser's not a magic wand. Dr. Drew: Not a panacea, yeah. Adam: Yeah, people think it's a What did you say it was? Dr. Drew: Panacea. Cure-all. [Cut] Guy: During s*x, she likes to listen to pop goes the weasel. Is that--is that weird? Dr. Drew: The may be where the source of your sexual dysfunction comes from. [Cut] Girl: Is it ok to use a vibrator? Dr. Drew: Great question. But I think he has some feelings about that. Adam? Adam: Well, I did a test with Drew once, where I just covered the left side of his face with [Cut] Adam: Whenever you have an abnormality that way, it increases your chances of being an evil genius. [Cut] Guy: Well, what I really want to know is [Cut] Dr. Drew: are you taking any medication? [Cut] Girl: Is it true I can't get pregnant on a full moon? [Cut] Dr. Drew: Are you on any medication? Guy: I've got this bad burning sensation. Dr. Drew: Are you on any medication? Girl: What is the average size of the male genitalia? [Cut] Dr. Drew: Fluoxetine. Guy: I mean really bad. Dr. Drew: Citalophram. [Cut] Guy: It's like I'm on fire. [Cut] Dr. Drew: Fluvoxamine. Sertraline. Proprion. Buspirone. [Cut] Guy: How small is small? [Cut] Dr. Drew: Which is a genetic biological disease which could lead to consuming progressive amounts of [Cut] Adam: Whipped cream. And make sure you have plenty of it, or else! [Cut] Audrey: The men that want their women to look like little boys that cause them [Cut] Dr. Drew: Depression and anxiety, which can have both psychological and biological elements to it, and hopefully [Cut] that answers your question. [Audrey decides that it is time to wrap up the show.] Audrey: Ok, people, that's all the time we have for this evening. Remember something if you find yourself alone and depressed in a room sitting under a bare bulb if a pile of your own sick, please don't call me, call the help line. Have a great evening. [Audrey puts down the microphone and unhooks herself. Dr. Drew leaves stage and Adam is getting ready to leave.] Audrey: So, what would you say to you, me, a couple of non-alcoholic beers, and a shiny new thermometer? Adam: Baby, you're reading my mind. [She looks at Adam in disgust.] Audrey: Ugh! [Scene: Backstage of the Loveline show. Joey and Eddie come backstage looking four Audrey and are still arguing with one another.] Eddie: What exactly are we doing back here? Joey: We're looking for Audrey. Hello. We drove her here. Then we get home and put this horrid night behind us. Eddie: Yeah, but we haven't solved our little problem. Joey: Eddie! [Adam comes walking around the corner.] Adam: Good god, son! Are you still harping on that? Why don't you give the girl a break? Have you taken a look at her lately? You're lucky a chick that hot let's you get naked in the same building she's in. You gotta move on. How old are you? 15, 16? Eddie: I'm 25. Adam: 25. You know what I was doing when I was 25? Eddie: No, but I'm sure you're gonna tell me. Adam: That's right. I'm gonna tell you. When I was 25, I only dreamt of getting with chicks this hot. I was in my parents' basement looking at my raft box. Had a picture of a gal on it. She was wearing a bikini and floating on a raft, and I just stared at that thing until I was cross-eyed. I miss that raft box. Eddie: That's...weird. Adam: Yeah, you're damn right it's weird. And that's my point. I'm tired of you college kids complaining and bellyaching all the time. When I was in college, we didn't have chicks that dressed like this. With their belly tees, and their hip huggers, and their thongs hanging out the back. No, no, we had it tough. Let me ask you a question. You'd be with this guy if you thought you could trust him, right? [She stops and thinks] Joey: Yeah. Adam: There you go, sport. All you gotta do is gain her trust and you're in like flint, all right? All right. Well, my work is done here. I'm gonna get some cheese. [Adam leaves them alone] Eddie: So, is that true? You don't trust me? Joey: Well, can you blame me? Eddie: No. Joey: Eddie... we're living this fantasy. And--and we've... been doing it ever since you got back. And as nice as the fantasy is... it's gonna have to end sooner or later. Eddie: Well, since you put it that way, Joey, I choose later. Look, I understand how you feel, and I'm sorry that I gave you a hard time. But there's nothing I can say to earn your trust. So, you're just gonna have to take a leap of faith. Ok, and know that I love you more than anything in this world. Ok? Joey: Ok, come on. Eddie: Were we going? Joey: Back to my room before Audrey gets back. Eddie: But we drove her here. She's not gonna be able to get back to the Joey: Exactly! [Scene: The Exit of the Theater that the Loveline show was in. David and Jack are getting ready to leave, and you can see that David is still upset.] Jack: You know... tonight doesn't have to be a complete disaster. If we hurry, we can still make it to the bars. Maybe you can find some nice guy for me to openly flirt with. David: Am I supposed to be amused by that? Jack: Yes, David, you are. David: Oh. Jack: But since you're not, maybe you should just say what you want to say and let's get this over with. David: And you don't have anything that you want to say? Jack: Honestly, no, because in my mind there's nothing worth even talking about. David: Ok. Jack: It's just a stupid misunderstanding that you seem intent on blowing up into a much larger deal. David: Ok. So, just to clarify, I'm crazy, and you're not gonna even attempt an apology. Jack: I was just talking with the guy, David. That's it. It's like Jen said. All right, I'm just-- I was being nice. It's not like I'm trying to communicate anything. It's not like I'm trying to make you feel bad. David: You know what? I'm beginning to think maybe I should've trusted my original instincts about you. Jack: What the hell is that suppose to mean? Look, if you want to break up with me over something this minor, just do it. David: Wow. That's the first place you go? Jack: What? David: You're worse than Jen. Or maybe you two have been hanging out so long you've just become the same person. Jack: What the hell are you talking-- you know, for a master communicator, you're not expressing yourself too well right now. David: We were having a tiny little argument, and in 2 seconds, you just managed to snowball it into something catastrophic. Jack: Oh, right. I manage. And you weren't at all being passive aggressive. David: I am not the one who's looking for a way out of this. Jack: And I am? And I am? David: Do you know what? If you're bored, if you're in over your head, than just say so. Jack: Did I say that?! David: Fine, fine. But I am not just gonna dump you so that you can walk away from this guilt-free. Jack: Guilt f-- David, I am guilt-free. I didn't do anything wrong. David: Right. Jack: What? Oh, great, what? You're leaving now? David: Yes. But before I do, I'm gonna make this really simple for you. Either apologize to me or break up with me. Jack: Oh, fine, ok, whatever. Sorry. David: No. No, no, no. I deserve better than that. Take a day. Hell, take a week. Think about it, and let me know what you decide. [Scene: Outside the Loveline stage building. CJ is leaving the building when he turns the corner to see that Jen is already outside waiting for him.] Jen: Wait, C.J. Wait. Let me explain. Wait, will you please just let me explain? CJ: You know, Jen, I think I've heard all I need to hear tonight. Jen: Look, I need to talk to you. I--I need your help. CJ: Oh, you need my help? Well, you said it earlier. Why don't you call the friggin' help line? Jen: Ok, I will. Ring-ring! Aw, man, I really hope somebody picks up. Ring-ring! CJ: I'm not gonna do this. Jen: Oh, come on. You've got a crazy girl on the other end of the line and she might do something irrational if she doesn't have somebody to talk to. Ring-ring. CJ: Hello? Jen: Hi. Is this the help line? CJ: Yes. Jen: Uh, because you didn't say help line when you answered. CJ: Hello. Help line. Jen: Uh, who am I speaking with? Because you didn't give me your name, either. CJ: Hello. Help line. This is C.J. Do you have a crisis? Jen: Hi, C.J. You have a very sweet voice. CJ: Do you have a crisis or not? Jen: Yes, I do. And you should like somebody that I could trust, and somebody who could be endlessly sympathetic with a girl who has a lot of problems. CJ: Oh, well, isn't that ironic? Considering I just got dumped today by a girl with a lot of problems. Or maybe she doesn't have any? Maybe she doesn't have any problems. Personally, I wouldn't know because she doesn't have enough trust to confide in me. Jen: [Sighs] Well... the thing is that maybe... this girl realizes that she made a mistake, but she doesn't really know what to do about it. CJ: Well, maybe she needs to start by realizing that whatever the problem is, her boyfriend's not the enemy. Jen: Right. Well, see, now, that's the thing about this girl, is that she has a tendency to subscribe to self-destructive behaviors in her life, and that when one part of her life isn't going well, she has this desire to destroy everything else going on, and plus, she's never really been able to trust anybody before, so CJ: Everybody's gotta start sometime. Jen: So--so, what? So what do I do? I just--I just-- I just say what it is that's bothering me, and then I look up and you're still there? CJ: Yes. That's what this whole boyfriend thing is all about. But if you're not interested in having a boyfriend, I can certainly Jen: She's sick. My Grams is sick. And she has been keeping it from me, and it's the reason that she broke up with your uncle Bill, and--and I don't know what else she's been keeping from me. I don't know what's gonna happen. I don't know what I'm gonna do. I don't know anything about anything, and so I had a freak-out, one freak-out. Is that ok? CJ: Yes. Yeah. Take as many as you need. [He wraps her up in his arms, suddenly realizing what she must be going through] [Scene: Backstage of the Loveline show. The show is over, and Audrey comes walking into the backstage looking for Dr. Drew. She sees Adam, and goes running up to him.] Audrey: Ooh, ooh, ooh! Just the man I was looking for. Adam: I knew you'd come around. They always do. Audrey: Yeah. Where's Dr. Drew? Adam: Oh. Again with the Pinsky? Listen, I hate to tell you, but your beloved Dr. Drew, not so great with the staying power. Audrey: What? Adam: He went to the airport right after the gig. Audrey: But... I never got any personal face time with him. What are you still doing here? Adam: Eh, I like to hang behind at these things. See if I can scrape up a little coed tail. Audrey: Yeah. Has that ever worked for you? Adam: No. No, it hasn't. [Audrey leaves Adam back stage and goes out onto the stage looking for Joey.] Audrey: Joey? Jen! Jack! Anybody! Ugh! Can this night suck any harder? Dr. Drew: You know, there are more productive ways to manage aggression. Audrey: Listen, buddy [She Turns to see Dr. Drew.] Audrey: Oh! Hi! Dr. Drew, I-- I wasn't angry just now. I was just--I was practicing for a play. You know, "Stella, Stella," all that. Dr. Drew: So you're an actress? Audrey: Well...I am. But, you know, more so in life, I guess, than in art. I have a bit of a flair for the dramatic. Dr. Drew: You don't say. Audrey: Yeah. Although... I should kind of point out I--I wasn't entirely lying about... the whole rehab thing. I mean, it happened, that whole part of my life. And it wasn't pretty, having to face myself and all that. But every night after a long day's whining, I would lie in bed and I would bug my roommate by listening to you guys give advice to all those other losers out there in radio land, and...I don't know. It just, it... made me feel less alone. So... well, I guess I just want to say thank you. For being you, and... the truth is... I don't know if I could've done it without you. Plus, you're, like, totally hot. Dr. Drew: Ha ha ha! Audrey, do you want a ride? Audrey: Oh, I would love one. But I know that you're married, so we must keep our distance, Drew. Dr. Drew: I'll try. Audrey: So, you guys must have a boat load of groupies, huh? Dr. Drew: We have a few. Audrey: Yeah. Don't you just hate girls like that?

Joey's and Eddie's emotional and sexual relationship is played out on stage during a counseling center benefit with hosts Dr. Drew and Adam Carolla (playing themselves). At the same event, Jack and David deal with the insecurities in their relationship; Jen opens up to C.J. about Grams' cancer; and a sober Audrey returns to Boston and surprises everyone at the benefit.

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MUSIC IN: EXT. MOUNTAIN - NIGHT (SFX: HELICOPTER B.G.) (MUSIC OVER ACTION/ SEALS RAPPEL FROM HELICOPTER ONTO THE CLIFF) (PREPARE TO RAPPEL) JOHNSON: This way. (FILTERED) (PAUSE) Team One, go! (MUSIC OVER ACTION/SEALS RAPPEL) PORCARO: Lieutenant, planning on joining us? JOHNSON: I'm on my way. (MUSIC OVER ACTION/ JOHNSON RAPPELS OFF THE CLIFF) (SFX: JOHNSON SCREAMS/FALLS TO THE GROUND) (CUT TO BLACK) (THEME MUSIC UP OVER OPENING TITLE/SCENES/ CREDITS AND OUT) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. SQUAD ROOM - DAY TONY: Hey. KATE: Good morning. TONY: How was your weekend? KATE: Uh, let's see. I paid bills, did laundry, went shopping, vacuumed. I bet you don't even own a vacuum. TONY: I lease. KATE: Okay, so what did you do this weekend that left that smile plastered all over your face? TONY: I watched a great movie. KATE: Let me guess, a horror flick? TONY: Halloween Eight. I think it's the best Halloween ever. It makes Halloween Seven look like Halloween Five. KATE: I can't even believe they made one of them, much less eight. It's gotta be a "Men are from Mars" thing. TONY: Arianna liked it. KATE: Arianna? I thought you broke up with her. TONY: What makes you think that? KATE: Oh, I don't know. Maybe because you came in the other day and said, "I broke up with Arianna." TONY: Oh, you don't know much about dating, do you? KATE: Oh, why don't you enlighten me. TONY: Well, there's always one phony breakup that precedes the real breakup. Everyone knows that. GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) Yeah, got it. Thanks. (HANGS UP PHONE) GIBBS: Grab your gear. Kate, get Ducky. Tony, gas the truck. KATE: Where are we going? TONY: With Gibbs, you never know. [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. BASE OF CLIFF - DAY M P: I.D. (INTO RADIO) NCIS Special Agent Gibbs.(OPENING CREDITS CONTINUE) VOICE ON RADIO: (FILTERED) Clear. M P: (INTO RADIO) Okay. (TO GIBBS) Thank you, Sir. RAINER: Agent Gibbs? Commander Rainer. SEAL Team Eight. GIBBS: What happened here? RAINER: We were on a training exercise. Lieutenant Johnson, the Team leader, was rappelling down the cliff when his D-link snapped. GIBBS: Did you secure the top of the cliff? RAINER: I did. GIBBS: Is that the rest of the Lieutenant Johnson's squad? RAINER: Yes, Sir. GIBBS: I'd appreciate it if you tell them not to talk to anyone until I talk to them. RAINER: Already taken care of, Sir. KATE: Oh, what an awful way to die. TONY: I can think of worse ways to go. KATE: Like what? TONY: Well, getting eaten by a shark. Being buried alive. Falling into a wood chipper. KATE: You've given this some thought. TONY: Well, yeah. So? KATE: Nothing. DUCKY: Someone moved the body. RAINER: After he fell, his squad members came to his assistance to see if anything could be done. Unfortunately he died on impact. DUCKY: Well, that would account for a few inches. But someone's moved him further than that. RAINER: We pulled him away from the face of the cliff because there was falling shale. It's an old mine. We were careful not to disturb anything. GIBBS: Was emptying his pockets part of the first aid effort? RAINER: The Intel was classified. We removed it so the body could be transported. That's S-O-P under these circumstances. GIBBS: DiNozzo. TONY: Yeah, boss? GIBBS: Top of the cliff. Shoot and sketch. TONY: Gee, boss. It's a long way up. GIBBS: DiNozzo, was there something in my tone of voice that made that sound like a suggestion? TONY: On it! (TONY WALKS O.S.) RAINER: Agent Gibbs, I realize that you have an investigation to perform. From what we can see that's pretty obvious that D-link had a catastrophic failure. GIBBS: You're right, Commander. We have an investigation to perform. What do you got there? DUCKY: Unfortunately for Lieutenant Johnson, it appears to be just what it looks like. GIBBS: Well, that eliminates the guess work. KATE: Is this a common occurrence, one of these breaking? GIBBS: I've never seen it happen before. It doesn't mean it couldn't. (SFX: ROCKS FALL FROM THE CLIFF) DUCKY: I think I can move him. KATE: Gibbs, I got something. Is that a piece of the D-link? GIBBS: Sure looks like it. DUCKY: Don't worry, my friend. We'll get you cleaned up and presentable in a way that honors your service. GIBBS: Special Agent Gibbs. Special Agent Todd. I understand you were on a training exercise. ALL: Yes, Sir. GIBBS: What was your mission? PORCARO: You'll have to talk to the Commander about that, Sir. GIBBS: Other than Lieutenant Johnson's accident, anything out of the ordinary happen? PORCARO: No, Sir. It was textbook. We were inserted by helicopter, secured our lines, rappelled down the face of the cliff. GIBBS: What was the order? PORCARO: Vengal and Kenney went first, then myself and Binkowski... VENGAL: We can't believe this happened to the Lieutenant. KATE: After the four of you began repelling down, was anyone on top of the cliff other than Lieutenant Johnson? ALL: No, Ma'am. GIBBS: Each of you will need to provide a statement detailing what you saw. ALL: Yes, Sir. GIBBS: I'd like Lieutenant Johnson's service record and the personal effects from his locker. RAINER: I'll have it in your office as soon as possible. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. NCIS LAB - DAY ABBY: (V.O.) There is no signs of tampering. GIBBS: That's it? ABBY: That's it. GIBBS: Then we can put this to bed? ABBY: Not yet. I emailed the manufacturer for the specs on this particular D-link. When I get them back, I can do a comparative analysis and if nothing's hinky, then we can put this to bed. GIBBS: Thanks, Ab. KATE: Are you okay? ABBY: I'm fine, why? KATE: You're not your normal, effervescent, cheerful Abby. ABBY: That's because she's been replaced by the abnormal, dull, and melancholy Abby. KATE: Something you want to talk about? ABBY: I don't want to bore you. KATE: Who else are you gonna tell - Tony? ABBY: McGee is all mad at me. KATE: Why? What happened? ABBY: We went to Buzzed. It's a coffee house in Old Town. Sunday night's like a poetry night. KATE: I didn't know you liked poetry. ABBY: McGee likes it. So we're popping back double espressos and all of a sudden out of the blue, he says, "I really really like you." KATE: What'd you say? ABBY: Thanks. What was I supposed to say? KATE: I don't know. ABBY: Oh. Then he gets like all quiet and we're leaving and he wants to know where our relationship is going. KATE: Oh, I hate that. Why do guys have to push the issue? ABBY: Because they're insecure. KATE: What'd you say? ABBY: Well, I said why does it have to go anywhere? Why can't we just enjoy what's happening now? KATE: What'd he say? ABBY: Fine, whatever. KATE: Oh, typical passive aggressive. ABBY: I know! I mean, what's next? Should I be watching "Sleepless in Seattle" on rainy Sunday afternoons? Ah! KATE: What are you going to do? ABBY: I'm not going to do anything. I'm going to pretend like it never happened and hopefully he's going to do the same. DUCKY: (V.O.) The official cause of... [SCENE_BREAK] INT. AUTOPSY ROOM DUCKY: ...death was multiple traumatic injury. He was in horrible shape, Jethro... lower leg fractures, hip fractures, severe skull fractures. I could go on and on GIBBS: No. No need, Duck. TONY: Have you sent the blood up to Abby for a full tox screen? (BEAT) Well, that's what you were going to ask, right? DUCKY: The lifetime odds of dying from a fall like this are roughly the equivalent of the odds of dying from a collision with an asteroid. GIBBS: And? DUCKY: What kind of person would I be if I had this knowledge and I didn't share it with you? TONY: That's what you were gonna ask that, right? About the tox screen? (PALMER ENTERS) DUCKY: You are late -- PALMER: I am so sorry, Doctor Mallard. I am so so sorry. DUCKY: Although I may have second thoughts, Mister Palmer. PALMER: Second thoughts, Sir? DUCKY: About you coming to work full time as my assistant. PALMER: It will never happen again, Doctor! I promise you it was an extremely unusual situation. DUCKY: They always are. PALMER: You see, I was in the shower and the doorbell rang but I didn't know it at the time. DUCKY: That you were in the shower? PALMER: No, that it was the doorbell. See, my head cold in combination with my tinnitus made me think that it was the kitchen timer. DUCKY: How very unusual. PALMER: Yes, so I spent several minutes trying to find out what it was I had finished cooking. And by then the time I realized it was the front door, I'd almost forgotten I'd taken a shower. (PALMER COUGHS) PALMER: It'll never happen again. DUCKY: Who was there? PALMER: Where? DUCKY: At the door? PALMER: Oh, I didn't answer it. DUCKY: I hope this won't become a habit, Mister Palmer. PALMER: No, see I always answer my door. DUCKY: I was referring to being late. PALMER: Does this mean I have the job? [SCENE_BREAK] INT. NCIS LAB - DAY (MUSIC OVER ACTION/ABBY PERFORMS LABORATORY TESTS) (PASSAGE OF TIME) GIBBS: Any prints beside Lieutenant Johnson's? ABBY: I got a partial that isn't his. GIBBS: Run it through AFIS and any other data base you can think of. ABBY: Done and done. GIBBS: What else do you got for me, Abs? ABBY: The D-link is electrolytically coated with a protective oxide. I used Fourier Transform Infrared Spectrophotometry to compare the chemistry between the factory specs and the link that failed. GIBBS: Is all this necessary? ABBY: If I just came right out and told you what I'd found, you would be bored. GIBBS: What'd you find? ABBY: The chemical composition of the oxide isn't the same. GIBBS: Couldn't that just be from two different production batches? ABBY: Possibly. GIBBS: I'm sensing a but. ABBY: You are correct, oh great one. I used a scanning electron microscope with an x-ray diffractive attachment and did a composition analysis. The one on the left is the D-link I got from the manufacturer. The one on the right is Lieutenant Johnson's. TONY: They're not the same. ABBY: That's because one is steel and the other is sixty six three T six aluminum. TONY: So the manufacturer makes the D-link in both metals? ABBY: Actually, they don't. TONY: Then how do you explain that? ABBY: Easy. Someone handmade a D-link out of a much weaker metal and then swapped it with Lieutenant Johnson's real one. GIBBS: It wasn't an accident. ABBY: Nope. Looks like murder. (FADE TO BLACK) MUSIC IN: INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY GIBBS: (V.O.) I know this is a difficult time. KATE: (V.O.) When your husband brought his gear home, where did he keep it? DENISE: Usually in the garage. Sometimes he'd leave it in the car. GIBBS: Did he ever bring it in the house? DENISE: Why? GIBBS: Someone may have tampered with his equipment. DENISE: Tampered? Why would anybody do that? (DOOR BELL RINGS) (DOOR OPENS) DENISE: I keep expecting him to walk through that door. EDNA: I am so sorry. (SFX: DENISE CRIES LOUDLY) GIBBS: Take a look around, Kate. Tony, let's check out the garage. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. GARAGE - DAY (SFX: GARAGE DOOR ROLLS OPEN) TONY: Whoa! GIBBS: Nice car. TONY: Oh, it's not just a car, boss. This is a sixty-six Mustang. Revolutionary in its day. GIBBS: You're not going to start giving me all the vital stats on this car, are you? TONY: Thunderball. GIBBS: Let me rephrase that, DiNozzo. You're not going to give me the vital stats on this car. TONY: If someone was going to break in to get at his gear, their choices were limited. Garage door or the back door. Lock works. No sign of forced entry. Whoever switched his D-link, I don't think it was done here. (DOOR CLOSES) GIBBS: Yeah. Yeah. It does seem that way. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY (MUSIC OVER ACTION/KATE LOOKS AROUND THE HOUSE) (KATE BUMPS INTO LARRY) KATE: Oh. LARRY: I'm sorry. KATE: My fault. LARRY: Hi. Um... Larry Clannon. KATE: Kate Todd. LARRY: I thought I knew most of Rick's friends. I... KATE: Actually, I'm with NCIS. We're investigating his death. LARRY: I thought it was an accident. KATE: We still need to investigate. LARRY: Oh. Right. KATE: How do you know Rick? LARRY: Oh, we've been friends for um... we were friends since high school. We played football together, got in trouble together. We uh... I can't imagine life without him. EDNA: Hello, Father. LARRY: Hi, Edna. I'm a priest at Saint Matthews. KATE: Why no collar? LARRY: I was out running errands and I got the call. I just came right over. Rick was my best friend. He's the reason I became a priest. KATE: How so? LARRY: Well, when I was nineteen, I was in a motorcycle accident. KATE: A priest with a motorcycle. Sounds like a TV show. LARRY: Right. Well, I ended up in a coma. Rick would come sit with me after school. Sometimes he would just talk to me and other times he would pray. The doctor said that if I came out of it I would end up in a vegetative state, but... KATE: It was a miracle. LARRY: Not according to Rick. Rick said it was because he had juice with the man upstairs. You should come by church sometime. I get a cash bonus for every person past a certain number. KATE: You do? LARRY: Wow. KATE: I'm sorry. I'm not used to a priest with a sense of humor. LARRY: Right. Well, the times they are a changing. KATE: They certainly are. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. HANGAR - DAY GIBBS: Who had access to your climbing gear? RAINER: That depends. Lines and harnesses are usually kept in a rope locker. TONY: What about D-links? RAINER: Not a controlled item. Most of my men take their personal gear like that home with them. KATE: Anyone in the unit could have had access to Johnson's? RAINER: I suppose so. GIBBS: How many men in your unit, Commander? RAINER: That information is classified, Agent Gibbs. VOICE: Commander Rainer. RAINER: I'll be right back. (RAINER WALKS TO THE CONTAINER) GIBBS: There's enough ammo here to take over a small country. TONY: How small? RAINER: Open it up. (DOOR SLIDES OPEN) RAINER: I appreciate that you have a job to do, but as far as we're concerned, this was a training accident. GIBBS: What if I was to tell you it wasn't. RAINER: I was there, Agent Gibbs. I saw Johnson's D-link. GIBBS: It was broken. What you saw was a fake. KATE: Someone substituted Lieutenant Johnson's D-link with one made from inferior metal. TONY: Metal that was designed to fail. RAINER: Sergeant? SERGEANT: (V.O.) Sir. RAINER: Security badges. SERGEANT: (V.O.) Sir. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. HANGAR - DAY RAINER: Anything you see or hear is considered classified at the highest level. I'll assist you in any way I can, as long as it doesn't compromise our primary mission. GIBBS: Which you can't tell us. RAINER: I will tell you it's absolutely vital to national security. KATE: Not much help in a murder investigation. RAINER: Well, that's the best I can do. I've got a backup team waiting. But if there's someone deliberately trying to sabotage this mission, I need to know. (TO FOLSOM) Get Admiral Barnes on the secure line. Tell him Task Force X-Ray may have been compromised. FOLSOM: Yes, Sir. GIBBS: Who else knew Johnson was going to be rappelling last night? RAINER: No one outside this unit. My men have been in total isolation for the past ten days. No contact with the outside world. KATE: Any security breaches? RAINER: One Petty Officer made a few unauthorized calls to his wife. TONY: He was in Johnson's squad? RAINER: He was. Petty Officer Vengal. Lieutenant Johnson counseled him on following orders. GIBBS: What kind of a sailor is Vengal? RAINER: Young, headstrong. Likes to be the center of attention. GIBBS: Basically a SEAL. RAINER: Johnson rode him pretty hard, but that was his job. GIBBS: I'll need to talk to him as well as anyone else on Johnson's team. RAINER: Not a problem. They're no longer the primary team on the mission. GIBBS: What's our time frame here? RAINER: We're inside a thirty eight hour window. If you don't find out what happened by then, we scrub the mission. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. MAIN FLOOR HANGAR - DAY GIBBS: Tony, get with whoever's in charge of the climbing gear. I want every rope, D-link and harness checked. TONY: You got it, boss. FOLSOM: I'll escort Agent DiNozzo. Bravo Team's bunked in here. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. BRAVO TEAM QUARTERS GIBBS: How'd you get along with your Lieutenant, Petty Officer Vengal? VENGAL: He was a good SEAL, Sir. KATE: But you didn't like him. VENGAL: We had different styles, Ma'am. GIBBS: His style was to ride your ass. VENGAL: Yes, Sir. GIBBS: Why did you breach security? VENGAL: Excuse me, Sir? KATE: You called your wife. Why? VENGAL: She's pregnant. I ... I wanted to check up on her, Ma'am. GIBBS: I checked your service record. Lieutenant Johnson wrote you up for an unauthorized absence two weeks ago. VENGAL: I had to take my wife to the doctor. Why are you asking me about the Lieutenant? GIBBS: Because we're looking for the man who murdered him. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. HANGAR - DAY (TELEPHONE BEEPS KATE: Lieutenant Johnson's last two calls were made while in isolation. Both were to Father Clannon. GIBBS: The Lieutenant writes up Vengal for calling his pregnant wife during lockdown then makes two calls himself? It doesn't make sense. KRAMER: Agent Gibbs? Eddie Kramer, CIA. Is there someplace we can talk? GIBBS: Yeah. How about right here? Whatever you say to me, you can say to my team. KRAMER: Okay. Your investigation into Lieutenant Johnson's death is very important to us. GIBBS: Yeah? Why's that? KRAMER: Well, the SEALs are part of a multi-agency task force that's been training for a very specific mission. GIBBS: Which you're not going to tell me about. KRAMER: You'd have to be read into the program and we don't have the time. KATE: And you think that someone inside this task force tampered with Johnson's equipment? KRAMER: I'm very concerned. There's an initial vetting process for SEALs. And for this mission they were further vetted by the CIA. TONY: If they've gone through all that... KRAMER: Then we're dealing with someone who's very clever. In thirty-four hours, a C one forty one will be fueled and ready to go. We need to know who swapped that D-link out and why. Otherwise, four months of planning will go out the window. I'll tell you everything that we know, I want you to do the same. GIBBS: Sure. Sounds good to me KRAMER: I'll give you this. GIBBS: Abs, what's up? ABBY: Something very unexpected. GIBBS: He's okay. ABBY: I ran the print off Johnson's D-link through the military database. No match. GIBBS: Yeah? What's the unexpected part? ABBY: When I ran it through the criminal database, I got a hit. GIBBS: Anyone we know? ABBY: Absolutely. Lieutenant Johnson's wife. (MUSIC UP AND OUT) MUSIC IN: EXT. JOHNSON HOUSE - DAY (SFX: CAR BRAKES TO A STOP) (CAR DOORS OPEN/CLOSE) KATE: She was eighteen when she was arrested for joyriding. TONY: Joyriding. It sounds so much better than grand theft auto. There's something almost spiritual about it. KATE: Well, she said she didn't know the car was stolen. Her boyfriend said he borrowed it from a friend. TONY: Oh, the old blame-it-on-the-boyfriend excuse. One of the classics. KATE: Well, that's usually who is to blame. GIBBS: Anything else? KATE: I was saving the best for last. GIBBS: Why? KATE: Denise Johnson works at a jewelry store. She makes custom metal jewelry. Oh, and yesterday when I was in the den I saw something that made it seem like Johnson may have been sleeping in there. GIBBS: What kind of things? KATE: Alarm clock, pillow, blanket. TONY: Something's really been bothering me. What kind of sick and twisted logic makes you think the boyfriend is always to blame? Huh? (DOOR OPENS) GIBBS: Can we just have a minute? [SCENE_BREAK] INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY DENISE: Of course my fingerprints are on there. You can find my fingerprints on almost anything Rick owned, except maybe his hunting rifles. KATE: We had to ask. DENISE: You're not married, are you, Agent Todd? KATE: (BEAT) No. DENISE: Well, a lot of husbands leave a trail when they come home. I was constantly picking up after him. GIBBS: How was your relationship with your husband? DENISE: It was fine. TONY: He wasn't sleeping in the den? DENISE: We had our problems, like any married couple. GIBBS: What were they? DENISE: None of your business. KATE: I'm sorry if we upset you. DENISE: What were you expecting? You come into my home and basically accuse me of having something to do with my husband's death. KATE: We're just trying to tie up any loose ends. Your fingerprints were on the D-link, we came, we're not accusing you of anything. GIBBS: Did your husband have a computer? DENISE: We have a laptop. [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. JOHNSON HOUSE - DAY KATE: Her explanation made sense. GIBBS: Doesn't mean she isn't guilty. KATE: Do you honestly think she had anything to do with it? GIBBS: I've seen a single mother drown her children because her new boyfriend didn't like them. Nothing surprises me. TONY: Interesting how she pegged you for unmarried. (SFX: CAR STARTS) MUSICAL BRIDGE TO: INT. NCIS SQUAD ROOM - DAY TONY: Here's a page thirteen Lieutenant Johnson wrote after Petty Officer Vengal got into a fight in town. He said he didn't start the fight, he was just protecting himself. KATE: It's not in Vengal's service report. TONY: There's more. This is from an undated Fitness Report. Under comments, Lieutenant Johnson wrote: "Though Petty Officer Vengal is an outstanding sailor and no doubt will make a fine Petty Officer First Class, at this point I think he needs a little seasoning and I am not recommending him for promotion." KATE: Also not in his service report. TONY: So how can that be? GIBBS: Rainer said Johnson rode Vengal pretty hard. My guess is that was part of his carrot and stick approach. He wrote the page thirteen, showed it to Vengal. KATE: And never formally filed it. TONY: So if the guy cleaned up his act, then Johnson would just toss the page thirteen like it never existed. KATE: Okay, why did Johnson include the counseling sheet he wrote when Vengal was late? TONY: That's just a slap on the wrist. Page thirteen is serious. GIBBS: Anything else? TONY: Nope. They paid the bills, sent e-mails to friends, normal stuff. (KATE SPEAKS ON THE PHONE B.G.) KATE: (INTO PHONE) Thank you very much, Doctor. TONY: (LONG BEAT) You seem bothered. KATE: That was Mrs. Vengal's doctor. Petty Officer Vengal did take her to see him, but not on the day that he told Lieutenant Johnson he did. He lied. GIBBS: Get Vengal in here. TONY: Eee, boss. I'm not sure those guys are going to let him go anywhere. GIBBS: (OVERLAP) Convince them, Tony. TONY: Okay. ABBY: I was down in the evidence locker looking for a fingerprint kit and this started vibrating. Freaked me out. GIBBS: Thanks, Abs. KATE: Thanks, Abs. (KATE OPENS THE PLASTIC BAG AND TAKES OUT THE PHONE) KATE: Lieutenant Johnson got a text message. (READS) Why weren't you there? GIBBS: Who sent it? KATE: This is weird. It's an e-mail message forwarded from an internet account that shows up as a text message on his cell phone. GIBBS: English, Kate. KATE: Okay, I can set up my internet account so that if somebody e-mails me on my computer and I'm not there, the e-mail will automatically be forwarded to my cell phone. GIBBS: What's the weird part? KATE: Well, the e-mail account that this was forwarded from is Dave Smith at concealmail dot com. That's not Johnson's e-mail address. GIBBS: You sure? KATE: Let me rephrase that. It's not Lieutenant Johnson's email account on his home computer, but he could have opened an account on another computer. GIBBS: Under an assumed name. KATE: Anybody can. But why would somebody with a top security clearance have an email account under an assumed name? GIBBS: What if I wanted to get into that account? KATE: Get a search warrant for the servers. GIBBS: We don't have time for a warrant. What's a quicker way? KATE: Hack into the servers. (BEAT) I can't believe I just said that. I would have never suggested that before I started working here. GIBBS: You're welcome. Get McGee over here. Have him work with Abby. Tell him to do whatever it takes to get that information. KATE: I... are you sure we need to do that? GIBBS: Do you have a problem with McGee? KATE: Not me. GIBBS: Well then tell him to get his butt over here! When you're done with that, we're going to pay a visit to Father Clannon. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. CHURCH - DAY (DOOR OPENS/ CLOSES) CLANNON: I guess I was more persuasive than I thought. KATE: Actually, I'm here in an official capacity, not to go to confession. CLANNON: Well, you can always kill two birds with one stone. I'm hearing them in fifteen minutes. KATE: You should be in sales. CLANNON: I am. KATE: This is Special Agent Gibbs. CLANNON: I think I saw you at Denise's house. GIBBS: Yeah. CLANNON: Welcome to Saint Matthews. GIBBS: Thank you. Do you mind if we ask a few questions about Lieutenant Johnson? CLANNON: No, please. Go right ahead. GIBBS: His death wasn't an accident. Someone switched a piece of his equipment with an inferior version. KATE: That's what broke when he was repelling down the cliff. GIBBS: Did Lieutenant Johnson ever tell you anything that might be able to help us? CLANNON: Rick and I talked about many things. As a priest I can't break the seal of confession. GIBBS: So he confessed something you can't talk about? CLANNON: No, I didn't... I didn't say that. GIBBS: Okay. Okay. What about the two phone calls he made to you just before he died? CLANNON: Were you in the service, Agent Gibbs? GIBBS: Marines. CLANNON: Semer fidelis. Always faithful. That was your motto, your code? GIBBS: Yes, it is. CLANNON: And did you ever have circumstances that allowed you to turn your back on that code? KATE: I guess there's no way we could phrase the question to allow you to answer it? CLANNON: No, there's not. Are you sure you won't stick around? KATE: Maybe next time. CLANNON: Very good.(MUSIC OVER ACTION/GIBBS LIGHTS A CANDLE) KATE: Who was that for? [SCENE_BREAK] INT. NCIS LAB - DAY MCGEE: Abby? ABBY: McGee? MCGEE: Gibbs said you need my help. ABBY: I don't need your help. He just asked you to help me. MCGEE: Okay, what am I helping you do? ABBY: Hack into ISP servers. We have to get into an e-mail account and download the activity. MCGEE: What are we looking for? ABBY: Just anything that's hinky. MCGEE: Why do you use that word? ABBY: What word? MCGEE: Hinky. It's a made up word. ABBY: All words are made up words. MCGEE: Well I think it's stupid. ABBY: Well maybe I shouldn't say anything then. MCGEE: Fine. ABBY: Fine. MCGEE: Good. ABBY: Great. (MUSIC OVER ACTION/ABBY AND MCGEE WORK ON THEIR LAPTOPS) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. OBSERVATION ROOM - DAY (DOOR OPENS/ CLOSES) KRAMER: Is there any reason why you couldn't do this at Little Creek? GIBBS: Evidence pertinent to the investigation is all here. KRAMER: Okay. GIBBS: Okay. KRAMER: Oh, turn that off. We're not taping this. TONY: Go ahead. Shut it down. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. INTERROGATION ROOM GIBBS: Your future in the Navy is clear. You don't have one. The question is, do you have any future at all? (FILTERED) You don't have anything to say? VENGAL: Didn't hear a question in there, Sir. GIBBS: Well, okay then, Petty Officer. Here's a question. Why did you lie about taking your wife to the doctor? VENGAL: I did take my wife to the doctor. She's pregnant. GIBBS: I'm talking about April twenty eighth. You remember that date? VENGAL: No, Sir. GIBBS: Well, here. Let me refresh your memory. You were late for a squad meeting. Your excuse was taking your wife to the doctor. Lieutenant Johnson wrote you up. (BEAT) Want to reconsider your answer? VENGAL: I went to see a doctor off base for a medical problem. GIBBS: What sort of medical problem? VENGAL: Inner ear infection. GIBBS: They would have yanked you from the mission if they knew that. VENGAL: I could have worked through it. GIBBS: Yeah. Maybe. But you would have been putting everyone else at risk. VENGAL: I had it under control. GIBBS: What happened on the cliff? VENGAL: I told you what happened. GIBBS: Your track record for the truth is unimpressive. VENGAL: We were inserted by Huey... [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. CLIFF NIGHT - FLASHBACK VENGAL: (V.O.) We secured our ropes. Went down in pairs. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. INTERROGATION ROOM VENGAL: Lieutenant Johnson's D-link snapped. End of story.(INSERT FLASHBACK SCENE) GIBBS: You had access to Lieutenant Johnson's gear. VENGAL: So did everyone in the unit. GIBBS: Yeah, but you were the only one that Johnson was writing up. He wasn't recommending you for promotion. He made multiple page thirteen entries that only you knew about. VENGAL: Why would I kill Lieutenant Johnson? If he dies the whole squad's off the mission. I risked my career so I could stay on the mission. (MUSIC OUT) MUSIC IN: INT. HANGAR - NIGHT (SFX: PLANE TAKES OFF B.G.) KRAMER: (INTO PHONE) Gibbs, Kramer. (V.O.) What's the status? [SCENE_BREAK] INT. GARAGE - NIGHT GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) No change. KRAMER: (V.O./FILTERED) The team's in the air. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. HANGAR - NIGHT KRAMER: (V.O.) Touchdown is scheduled in eight hours. If we don't have a definitive answer by then, the mission is scrubbed. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. GARAGE - NIGHT GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) That's not going to happen. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. HANGAR - NIGHT KRAMER: (INTO PHONE) Well, I hope you're right. It's a hostage rescue situation. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. GARAGE - NIGHT KRAMER: (V.O./FILTERED) Opportunities like this don't come along very often. (HANGS UP PHONE) (END TELEPHONE INTERCUTS) GIBBS: All right. Let's pretend we don't know anything. TONY: That's not much of a stretch. GIBBS: Let's start from the beginning. KATE: Someone substituted a phony D-link for Lieutenant Johnson's real one. GIBBS: When? TONY: They had the rappelling exercise two weeks before without a problem. GIBBS: It was in that two week window. KATE: Well, nine days out of the two week period they were in isolation. GIBBS: If someone outside the unit pulled the switch, they had a five day period to do it. Who had the best opportunity? KATE: The wife. GIBBS: What about the best friend - Clannon? KATE: Gibbs, he's a priest! GIBBS: Yeah, so? KATE: Okay, he had opportunity, but no motive. GIBBS: That we know of. What was the wife's motive? TONY: Well, they were sleeping in different bedrooms would indicate they were arguing about something. You know something about that. (BEAT) Sorry, boss. GIBBS: Who had the skill to make a D-link? KATE: The wife made metal jewelry. She could make a D-link. GIBBS: The wife wasn't having an affair with someone at the jewelry store? A jealous husband? KATE: Our investigation indicates nothing like that. GIBBS: Financial? TONY: Normal. GIBBS: Motive, method, opportunity. The wife had all three. DUCKY: Ice cream's here! TONY: Thank god! I'm starving! (BEAT) I can wait. GIBBS: Duck, what are you doing here? It's the middle of the night. DUCKY: How could I be at home in my warm and comfortable bed knowing my brethren were here toiling away in the name of national security? GIBBS: Couldn't sleep, huh? DUCKY: Not a wink. GIBBS: Neighbors again? DUCKY: Or as I like to refer to them, the devil's spawn. GIBBS: Well, it's good to see you, Duck. We could use a new pair of eyes around here. DUCKY: I'm afraid the freshness date on my eyes expired a while back. However, I do have corrective lenses. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. NCIS LAB - NIGHT MCGEE: Any luck with the port scan?(MUSIC B.G.) ABBY: Still trying to find an opening. MCGEE: Are you going after the sockets or the firewall itself? ABBY: The firewall. You? MCGEE: Connected. Trying to authenticate. ABBY: A-P-G or keystroke capture? MCGEE: I tried A-P-G but the admin had limits on how many times you could go in. ABBY: How are you going to cover your tracks? MCGEE: I'm putting in a program bot which will call another host infected with a similar bot... ABBY: And so on and so on and so on... MCGEE: Until it reaches the remote. ABBY: And afterwards it'll self destruct? MCGEE: Yeah, but before it does, the bot knows what files to delete from the host system so it can delete the logs. ABBY AND MCGEE: (IN UNISON) I'm sorry. MCGEE: Go ahead. ABBY: No, you go ahead. MCGEE: I'm sorry that I got upset with you. ABBY: It's okay. I understand. You're insecure. MCGEE: You think I'm insecure? ABBY: Well, in a cute way. MCGEE: I'm not - I'm not insecure. What makes you think I'm insecure? ABBY: Oh, that whole "where's our relationship going" thing. MCGEE: So it's insecure to want to know the status of your relationship when one of the people in that relationship can't accurately communicate her feelings? ABBY: Yes! MCGEE: Okay, I guess my poem didn't mean anything then. ABBY: Oh, no. I loved your poem! MCGEE: You did? ABBY: Of course I did! MCGEE: Which part did you like? ABBY: All of it. MCGEE: Even the finger snaps? ABBY: Especially the finger snaps. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. GARAGE - NIGHT GIBBS: Looks like we're back to square one. DUCKY: I don't seem to have been much help. GIBBS: Well that's okay, Duck. DiNozzo there sure enjoyed the ice cream. DUCKY: Well, if I have any brain storms... GIBBS: Yeah, we'll be here. KATE: I wish I had a better idea of how all this repelling stuff worked. Then it might be easier to figure out what happened. TONY: I have... kind of a crazy idea. KATE: Hmm. Those are never comforting words coming from you. (LONG BEAT) What?! (PASSAGE OF TIME) KATE: No! No way! GIBBS: You'll do fine. Push this down and clamp it onto your harness like that. You're ready to go. KATE: Okay, remind me. This is going to help us solve the case again, because...? TONY: It's fun? GIBBS: You want to understand what happened. This is how you understand.(SFX: ELECTRIC LIFT B.G.) (KATE WHIMPERS) KATE: Okay. TONY: You used to protect the President? GIBBS: You'd better check your harness. You're up. How's that feel? KATE: Uh... it's like I'm about to throw up. GIBBS: Face me. DiNozzo, you're on belay. TONY: Don't worry, Kate. I've got your back. KATE: Yeah, that's what I'm afraid of, Tony. GIBBS: Guide hand. Right here. Break hand. If you want to stop, clamp down on this and put your thumb right at the center of your butt. TONY: All set down here, boss. GIBBS: Remember what I told you. KATE: Todd on rappel! TONY: DiNozzo on belay! GIBBS: Are you ready? KATE: You know, Gibbs, I kind of think I've got the gist of it now. It's fine-- GIBBS: You're doing great.(GIBBS PUSHES KATE FROM THE LIFT) (KATE SCREAMS) TONY: See? Now you know what it feels like. (PAUSE)(SFX: ELECTRIC LIFT B.G.) TONY: What? KATE: The fake D-link is lighter than the real one. TONY: Okay. KATE: Johnson was an experienced climber. Why didn't he notice the difference? GIBBS: Get out of that. We have less than an hour. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. NCIS LAB - NIGHT ABBY: No. No, you have to change the bit to on.(MUSIC B.G.) MCGEE: I know, I know. ABBY: Embed the bios then flash the bios. MCGEE: We can have it runaway into memory and link everywhere on the system from there. Even if they kill it in memory. ABBY: They'll have to take it one step further and kill it in bios. MCGEE: Yes, we are kicking ass. ABBY: Yes, we are. Can't you type any faster? MCGEE: Not unless I grow another hand. ABBY: Here, let me. (ABBY TYPES) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. GARAGE - DAY (GIBBS WALKS ACROSS THE GARAGE) GIBBS: Right here in front of us the whole time. TONY: Lathe, vice, acetylene torch. KATE: Everything you need to make a D-link.(SFX: PHONE RINGS) GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) Yeah, Gibbs. You got the emails? What did they say? Love letters? To who? (TO TONY AND KATE) Abby and McGee cracked Johnson's secret e-mail account. We got our answer. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. JOHNSON LIVING ROOM - DAY DENISE: I suspected something a couple years ago. I'm not sure what I saw, it's not the type of thing a woman thinks about her husband. GIBBS: How did you find out? DENISE: Two weeks ago Rick told me he was going quail hunting for the weekend, which wasn't unusual except... GIBBS: You knew that it wasn't quail hunting season. DENISE: I knew. He had once told me about a GPS device the SEALs use for surveillance. I bought something similar online and I hid it in his car. [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. STREET - NIGHT - FLASHBACK DENISE: (V.O.) He drove to downtown Baltimore. His car didn't move for two days. I saw Rick come out with him. They hugged. He watched Rick leave....waved goodbye. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. JOHNSON LIVING ROOM - DAY DENISE: You want to hear something funny? I was hoping it was another woman. KATE: What happened after that? DENISE: I confronted him. He didn't try to deny it. I guess he felt relieved. He said he had an e-mail account and that's how he communicated with his - I told him he had to make a choice. GIBBS: Why didn't you tell us that? DENISE: I didn't want to embarrass his friends, his family. Rick was very religious. And I was hoping that didn't have anything to do with his death. GIBBS: Yeah, but you knew it did. DENISE: Yeah. I saw him working on his D-link. Rick dedicated his life to the Navy. Five generations of his family have served honorably. But maybe if I hadn't confronted him... I wake up every morning and I can't stand to look at myself in the mirror. I mean, why couldn't he tell me? (SFX: PHONE RINGS) GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) Yeah, Gibbs. KRAMER: (V.O./FILTERED) We're ten minutes from touchdown. We need an answer. GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) It was suicide. You're good to go. (SOBS B.G.) KRAMER: (V.O./FILTERED) Thank you, Agent Gibbs. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. CHURCH - MORNING KATE: I enjoyed your sermon. CLANNON: Because I worked in Mel Gibson? KATE: It didn't hurt. I realized that in the midst of all the things that were going on, I never got to tell you how sorry I was for your loss. CLANNON: He was the best man I have ever known. I just... I tried to help him believe in who he was - and that may not be within church doctrine - but I believe it's God's love. I feel like I failed him. KATE: You didn't. CLANNON: How can you know? KATE: I have faith. (MUSIC OUT)

Routine training results in the death of a U.S. Navy SEAL lieutenant just days before he was due to deploy on a classified hostage rescue operation. The death is initially dismissed as an equipment malfunction, but Abby discovers that the link attaching the lieutenant to his rappelling rope was made of a weaker material than factory standard, suggesting sabotage and potentially murder. Pressure is applied by the CIA for the investigation to be wrapped up within 38 hours so the operation can continue or else the entire mission, which is of national security importance, will be scrubbed. As the case goes on, Gibbs discovers that the lieutenant had a secret, and that his wife might be holding back vital information about his death. Meanwhile, Abby deals with her relationship with McGee.

fd_The_Originals_03x07

fd_The_Originals_03x07_0

[PREVIOUSLY_ON] Freya: If this prophesy is fulfilled, you will all fall... one by friend, one by foe, and one by family. Aurora: In the moments before you asked me to flee with you, I saw your brother. Elijah: You must only think of him as the monster that he truly is. Aurora: I see him as the monster that he is. Van: Those remains used to be my mom. Davina: I'm so sorry. Van: I'm gonna find out how this happened. Cami: Even if we figure out who killed this guy, it's a vampire. Lucien: I think you know exactly where my medallion is. Cami: Take it. It's in here. Aurora: My brother and Lucien want to use it to lock you and your siblings away forever. Klaus: Which is why they sent a legion of Strix to collect my sister. Freya: I can't find her, her witch body. Freya: It's as if it just vanished. Aurora: Two of the men sent to retrieve her were from my sire line. They procured your sister's body. Now come back to bed. [SCENE_BREAK] [ St. Louis Cathedral / Mikaelson compound ] [SCENE_BREAK] Hayley: So where is Klaus? Freya: When I told him about Rebekah, he said he's pursue another lead. Elijah: Forget Niklaus. You will find her. Marcel: Now, you sure you got enough juju for a worldwide locator spell? Freya: She's my family. I won't lose her. (Chanting) Damn it. Hayley: So much for witch GPS. Freya: I assumed they'd cloak her. I didn't expect a spell this strong. Elijah: No doubt conjured by the very witch who lured Rebekah into this trap. Freya: You should all go. I have my work cut out for me. Marcel: The Strix trust me. If they know where Rebekah is, I can find her. Elijah: We don't have time. You need to stop Davina from activating Lucien and Tristan's weapon. Marcel: We need to find Rebekah. Elijah: Marcel, I will not rest until my sister is found. Marcel: All right. Fine. I'll handle Davina. Hayley: Well, in the meantime, please tell me that we're gonna kill someone. Elijah: Oh, we will kill many someones, but first, if we're to start a war, let us determine where our allegiances lie. Elijah: Niklaus? Niklaus. Klaus: You shout loud enough to wake the dead. Elijah: Can't pick up your phone? Your sister is missing. Aurora: Well, she's not exactly missing... And as long as everyone behaves themselves, you can trust me to tell you where she is. Hello, Elijah. Elijah: Give me my sister, or perhaps I could pay a little visit to your brother Tristan. Klaus: Elijah, please. Aurora and I have come to an agreement. Aurora: Yes. Nik and I find that, now your vile act of compulsion has been revealed, there's really no reason why we can't pick up where we left off a thousand years ago. Klaus: Go on, luv. I need to have a word with my brother. Elijah: Am I to assume that you've gone completely mad? Klaus: You see madness. I see method. Elijah: And that method would be what, Niklaus, to fornicate with the she-devil who took our sister? Klaus: To be clear, The Strix took our sister. Aurora simply hijacked her. I will get Rebekah back, trust me. Keeping Aurora close garners the goodwill we need. Elijah: Well, it is a bold, if somewhat lecherous plan. Will you employ the same tactic when it comes time to retrieve the medallion from Lucien and Tristan? Klaus: They're not really my type. There must be another way. Elijah: Aurora will always protect Tristan, and, given that he and Lucien are aligned, the 3 of them together have a distinct advantage, unless... unless we break that advantage. Klaus: Now, there's a strategy I wholeheartedly endorse. What do you have in mind? Elijah: It's Thanksgiving. Let's invite them for a friendly meal, systematically turn them against one another, and then devastate their pitiful alliance. I can feel the holiday spirit already. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Louis Armstrong New Orleans International Airport ] [SCENE_BREAK] (Jet airplane passes) Aurora: Perhaps I should apologize. I know you were expecting to find Rebekah's body, but I've got other plans. Tristan: Aurora... What am I to do with you? Aurora: Oh, my dear brother, after all this time, why not simply choose to trust me? Tristan: Well, because I know you arrived in this city days ago. You've had time to poison Lucien's witch and see your infamous ex, but you've all but ignored your own brother. Aurora: Well, next time, don't leave me a prisoner in some stuffy monastery. Tristan: Message received, unfortunately for those poor monks. May I ask what you did with the head of your sire line? Acquiring her was part of my plan. Aurora: Oh, yes, that plan, that plan that you and Lucien were keeping from me. Tristan: You were recovering, and, if you must know, we needed Rebekah as bait to lure Klaus and Elijah. She'd have been perfectly safe with us. You'd have been safe. Aurora: Yes. Well, I prefer to be in control of my own fate. Tristan: Hmm. Should I even bother to ask what these are? Aurora: Call it insurance. Perhaps you'll trust me now. You'll need to if you are to join me for dinner at the Mikaelsons'. Tristan: I received their invitation to this Thanksgiving summit. It's clearly a trap. Aurora: Open the envelope. Put your mind at ease. You're my family, Tristan. You have always taken care of me. Allow me to return the favor. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Lucien's penthouse ] [SCENE_BREAK] (Gurufish's "funky atmosphere" playing) (Crowd cheering) Jimmy St. James: And shake it to the groove Hey Contradiction Everywhere Revolution in the air In the air brothers and sisters... Lucien: Oh, don't you look lovely. Something wrong? Cami: Should I make a list? You tortured detective Kinney, gave him a compulsion lobotomy, not to mention you're holding me against my will and using up all of my minutes. I mean, I appreciate your dead witch's hand-me-downs and remembering to feed me, but did you really think I was just going to smile and eat up? Lucien: Well, think of all the poor people who are starving in... well, somewhere. I'd join you, but I've been called to dine with the Mikaelsons. Cami: Are they going to serve your head on a platter? Lucien: Doubtful. Niklaus and I are allies now that the evil Tristan is in town. Um, let me ask, are you more likely to tell Vincent that you're drowning in a tub of bourbon or awash in a sea of chardonnay? Cami: Go to hell. Lucien: Bourbon it is. Cami: Do you really think you can trick my friends into thinking I'm fine? Someone's gonna notice that I'm gone, and when they do, they'll track me here. Lucien: Well, not within the next few hours, by which time, you'll be free of vervain, and I'll be able to compel you to forget everything, including all manner of tortures and punishments I might yet employ should you continue to prove disrespectful. (Knocks on door) That'll be the nanny. (Chuckles) This is Anton, a very loyal and very dangerous friend. Tread carefully, oh, and, uh, Anton, if you should not hear from my by nightfall, go on and kill her... But do it quickly. Oh, and for God's sake, don't ask if she has any final words. You'll be here through the weekend. (Door closes) [SCENE_BREAK] [ St. Anne's Church ] [SCENE_BREAK] Marcel: You said you'd be here 15 minutes ago. Davina: I got held up. What's the problem? Marcel: The problem is that there's a new group of vampires in town. Davina: Oh, The Strix? Come on, Marcel. You think the ancestors wouldn't give me a heads-up? Marcel: Did the ancestors also give you a heads-up that The Strix are looking for you? The Strix want you to help them take down the Mikaelsons. Now, if you say no, they will kill you. If you say yes, Klaus will do something much worse. Please, D., let me help you get out of town. Davina: I'm not going anywhere. Marcel, you still see me as this little girl in the attic. I'm not that girl anymore. I don't run from anyone. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Kenner apartment ] [SCENE_BREAK] (Crowd cheering) Hayley: Hey, Hope is down for a nap. I thought if I leave now, I could be back in time for dinner. Jackson: I can't believe you're seriously considering this. Hayley: I want to be here with you and Hope, but I can't just do nothing, and, Jack, those sire-line losers took Rebekah. Jackson: Yeah. They also went after you. Look. Let Klaus and Elijah handle this. Hayley: Rebekah kept Hope safe for months. She's my friend, and she's Hope's family. I'm not gonna look my daughter in the eye one day and explain to her that I sat back and did nothing while those people just kidnapped her aunt. Jackson: Hayley, you didn't do nothing. You kept your daughter safe. You let Klaus do things his way. This dinner is gonna be a bloodbath, and last time I checked, the Mikaelsons didn't need any help killing anyone. (Sighs) Look, babe. It's Thanksgiving. I... I don't see where this has to be a fight. Hayley: It doesn't. I hear you. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Mikaelson compound ] [SCENE_BREAK] Lucien: Ah, flowers for me. You shouldn't have. Tristan: That's for the lady of the house. The well-mannered bring a gift when invited to dinner. I assume you brought nothing. Lucien: Nothing but my deepest respect for you. Klaus: Lovely. We're all getting along. Lucien: Mm, like a fuse and a match. Klaus: I take it Aurora is on her way. Aurora: I'm sorry I'm late. Just freshening up. I did want to look pretty. Well, well. If it isn't my old friend Lucien. Lucien: Hello, Aurora. It's been ages. You look... Klaus: You look ravishing. Elijah: Welcome to our home. I do wish it was under better circumstances. We all face a common threat... A prophecy warning that my siblings and I would all fall within a year. I fear my sister already has. Tristan: Only as a precautionary measure, I assure you. Elijah: Interesting. You see, I would have called it an entirely unnecessary measure. We need to unite to prevent the prophecy from coming to pass, and since any alliance is impossible without honesty, let us begin this evening's proceedings by formally acknowledging your clandestine alliance. Lucien: Now, gentlemen, before... Elijah: Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh. Lucien, please. Let's not ruin the dinner before it begins. Klaus: And do try to bear in mind, we expect an honest and productive negotiation this evening. Tristan: Mm-hmm. Elijah: Shall we begin? [SCENE_BREAK] [ Rousseau's ] [SCENE_BREAK] St. James: People don't testify To your game Living like a whore In L.A. Sacrifice your soul for your fame 'ause you're a bona fide masquerader Hiding behind all your pictures... Vincent: Do I look like I need company? Marcel: I tracked you down. Least you can do is hear me out. Vincent: Forgive me if I don't feel like drinking with one of your kind. Marcel: I don't care if you don't like me. Some new vampires are in the Quarter from out of town, way out of town, and they want the Regent on their side, and if Davina says no, they're going to kill her, and I want her to leave town, but she would rather, of course, stay and fight, and I'd rather not sit back and watch her get herself killed. Vincent: There might be a way to get her out of trouble, but you ain't gonna like it. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Mikaelson compound ] [SCENE_BREAK] Lucien: It's a bit odd, isn't it, celebrating an American holiday? Elijah: Well, you know, Lucien, I rather enjoy Thanksgiving... the turkey, the cranberry sauce, the lies, the deceit, the betrayal. Perhaps we should begin this evening's proceedings with a little confession, and do help yourselves. Aurora: So this entire dinner is meant to be some boorish inquisition. How rude. Klaus: Nonsense, luv. My brother merely wishes to make certain we're all on the same page, so who would like to begin? Tristan: Well, Lucien and I have always loathed each other. Had we arrived as allies with news of a bleak future, you would have doubted us. We sought to remove suspicion by maintaining appearances. Elijah: Oh, my. Dear, these pathetic lies promise to be as difficult to swallow as your stuffing this year, Niklaus. Walnuts. Honestly. Klaus: Ha ha ha! Lucien: The bottom line is, we came to protect you and ourselves. We have never wavered on this point. Klaus: And the bodies on my streets, is that your protection, as well? Lucien: It's business as usual for The Strix. Tristan: An old tactic used often and to great success... Jack the Ripper, Son of Sam. A frightened human populace is that much easier to control. If tourism should decline and the local vampires are deprived of fresh blood, well, you saw how quickly Marcel joined our ranks. Klaus: Pedestrian. I would've expected more from such gaudy theatrics. Lucien: Well, if one wanted to obtain a certain item in, say, a private collection but one was not invited to the home where said private collection was located, police investigation could come in very handy to remove these items as evidence. Elijah: I take it that you are referring to the medallion. Tristan: I suppose it was my sister who shared that bit of information. Klaus: Don't blame Aurora. You two are hardly conspiratorial geniuses. Lucien: Funny story... it turns out all along that the medallion was in the hands of Nik's friend Camille the bartender-slash-therapist. Had to get her arrested in order to search her goodies, so to speak, but I would never allow any harm to come to her, knowing the great affection you have for her. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Lucien's penthouse ] [SCENE_BREAK] Cami: Seriously? Football? You're a vampire. Anton: Shut up and get me a beer. Man on TV: Razzle dazzle from butch Jones. What a... Anton: Should I find another way to quench my thirst? Man on TV: 37 yards, Cincinnati back on top. Different man on TV: First of all, where can they go but up the center? (Continues indistinctly) Man on TV: So the lefty with the dump-off pass, what a gutsy call and great execution. (Continues indistinctly) Anton: I can't kill you, but I can hurt you... break bones, slice up your pretty face, heal you, then do it all over again. Next time, that's how this goes down. Got it? Cami: Got it. Anton: Drink up. You ain't going anywhere. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Mikaelson compound ] [SCENE_BREAK] Klaus: A medallion that could lock us away hardly seems like a wise strategy for those come to protect us. Hand it over. And release Rebekah. Lucien: Uh, just a tick. Aurora has Rebekah, hmm? Aurora: No reason why I shouldn't be trusted with my sire's safety. Lucien: Of course, unless you were to have one of your episodes. Tristan: Easy, Lucien. My sister sought leverage to protect herself. Who among us would do otherwise? Elijah: Niklaus, would you politely remind me why we shouldn't just compel them all to give us what we want? Aurora: Ha ha ha! (Both laughing) Klaus: I'm sorry. Did Elijah say something amusing? Aurora: We lost a century to compulsion, my love, and some of us lost a great deal more. Surely you can't believe we'd allow ourselves to come here vulnerable. Elijah: My dearest Aurora, compulsion is not my only party trick. Aurora: I do not like these threats. Tristan: Our continued existence depends on the Mikaelsons. Tristan: We've known that since Finn and Kol died. Unfortunately, so does every other vampire in the world. Given that the sire lines have declared war against one another, you can imagine how many young upstarts have come to the same conclusion... kill an Original, wipe out an entire line of rivals. Tristan: Heavy burden, isn't it, the lives of thousands of sired vampires resting on your shoulders? In a perfect world, you'd allow us to seal you away forever, thus eliminating the threat. Klaus: Fortunately, the world is far from perfect. [SCENE_BREAK] [ St. Louis Cathedral ] [SCENE_BREAK] Marcel: Anything? Freya: I can't find the continent she's on, let alone the city. Marcel: Maybe you just need something of hers, maybe a... a hair brush or... Freya: .. her blood is in my veins. That should be enough. Marcel: Wait. Hey, Freya, you can't just give up. Freya: I'm not giving up. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Lafayette Cemetery ] [SCENE_BREAK] (Footsteps) Davina: What did you want? Vincent: Marcel told me what was going on. Davina: Mm, and you decided to care? This is witch business, Vincent. You don't even practice anymore... And as for The Strix, if they come after me, I'll deal with it. I'm not afraid. Vincent: Maybe you should be. Davina: You trying to scare me? Vincent: No, Davina. I'm trying to warn you, but you don't like it when people disagree with you. From what I hear, you get pretty mad. Davina: What makes me mad is getting lectured by the guy who walked away from being a witch. Vincent: Well, then I best be careful, or else I'm gonna end up like all the people you got mad at last time, right? Davina: Kara Nguyen attacked me. Vincent: So you had her killed? You gonna kill anybody who disagrees with you, Davina? Davina: I took care of a threat. That's what leaders do, and if anyone tries to stand against me, I'll do it again. Van: Funny thing about a willow hoop... never know what you're gonna see. Told you I'd find out what you did. Now everyone else knows, too. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Mikaelson compound ] [SCENE_BREAK] Elijah: (Sighs) With all the nauseating dinner theater we've endured throughout the centuries, these performances are, by far, the worst. Tristan: Aurora, my sister... Klaus: Aurora is quite aware of our desire to see Rebekah home, and I'm sure she'll do everything in her power to oblige. (Footsteps) Freya: We're welcoming our enemies to the dinner table now? Convenient, given she's the one who has the answers I want. Aurora: Oh, for heaven's sake, now I have to deal with the long-lost sister? Nik, please spare me your family's rage and paranoia. It is exactly this kind of lunacy which led me to steal Rebekah in the first place. Klaus: What did you do with her? Aurora: Oh, I'm sorry, luv, but this prophecy has you all acting as fools, and I've no intention of risking my life to foolishness. Now, I can't trust Rebekah with any of you, and I certainly can't trust the silly dear to endure on her own, so I decided to put her someplace safe. Imagine a spot where no harm could come to her, where, in fact, no one could possibly even track her down. Yes. Rest assured, Rebekah is perfectly fine... at the bottom of the ocean. Klaus: You're bluffing. Tell me you're bluffing. Aurora: Oh, you should all be thanking me. Rebekah's never been safer. She has plenty of company down there. There's all the little crabs and octopus and... Tristan: Harm my sister, and I'll be forced to return the favor. Lucien: Oh, this all escalated very quickly. Klaus: Shut up, Lucien, or I'll tear your tongue from your head. Lucien: Be careful with your threats, Nik. Anything should happen to me, I won't be able to protect your precious Cami. Aurora: Ok. That is the second time I've heard her name. Just who is this Cami? Freya: You have bigger problems. Klaus: Freya! Elijah: Niklaus... Which of these two vulgar parasites would you first like to torture? Klaus: Well, it's half a dozen of one and 6 of the other, isn't it? Why don't you take the stable boy? Tristan and I are long overdue a good catch-up. Oh, if anything happens to Camille... Elijah: Oh, I'm quite certain Lucien's aware, devastating error. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Lafayette Cemetery ] [SCENE_BREAK] Van: You all heard her. She admitted it herself. Davina Claire is a murderer. Davina: No. I... I was trying to stop a mutiny. I'm sorry for what happened, but it was my responsibility... Vincent: It's over, Davina. You kill a witch, you lose your place among the witches. For what you've done, you need to be shunned. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Mikaelson compound ] [SCENE_BREAK] Klaus: When Aurora wakes, you will convince her to return my sister. Tristan: Oh, would that it were so simple. Aurora has made it clear she means to control her own fate. I presume that includes keeping her own counsel, as well. Klaus: I think she might be more amenable if she's forced to watch as I tear you limb from limb. Tristan: You could torture me, but even if my sister decided to return yours as a result, Rebekah's homecoming would be marred by The Strix, who would descend upon the city like a plague of locusts, killing whomever stood in their way. Klaus: Violence is unavoidable, then. Well, I tried. Tristan: Think, Niklaus. All these threats, this needless escalation of violence, we play into the worst possible outcome of this prophecy. There's a better solution. Klaus: What might that be? Tristan: We cannot prevent fate, but we can take control of it. Tristan: Keep your siblings alive by helping me seal them away. Let them fall only for the year and leave yourself free to stand guard over them. If you care for them at all, it really is your only choice. Lucien: No doubt you're angry... Rightfully so. For what it's worth, I was horrified by Aurora's thoughtless actions, but, I assure you, Cami will be fine, provided I'm allowed to leave here with my head intact. Elijah: Give me Camille and the medallion, and then we may consider the future of your head. Lucien: Elijah, I have always been consistent. I only wanted to stop the prophecy to thereby save myself. Elijah: And how do I know that you're not the author of this very prophecy? Alexis was your little fortune teller, and anything that may have come to pass could be the result of your own duplicitous, little games. Lucien: Well, you give me far too much credit for being clever. Instead consider the rift between Niklaus and yourself, made worse, thanks to Aurora. One shall fall by family. That does not bode well for you. Elijah: What ever differences we have and how ever smitten my brother may be... I am certain Niklaus will always put family first. Lucien: Really? Aurora drops your sister in the bottom of the ocean, yet Klaus does not seem particularly inclined to make her suffer for it. I wonder why. (Exhales) Aurora: Mm... (Clears throat) Freya: Took you long enough. Aurora: Oh, are we to play a fun game? Freya: Actually, yes, and now that my spell has made it so that no one can hear what happens... Hayley: We're gonna have a lot of fun. Aurora: Hayley, the mother of Niklaus' child. Ooh, I was really hoping I'd get to meet you. Hayley: Feeling's not mutual. Aurora: Oh, ok, so then what, pray tell, are we doing here? Hayley: You're gonna tell us where to find Rebekah, or we're going to kill you. Aurora: Oh. Hmm. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Lafayette Cemetery ] [SCENE_BREAK] Vincent: "By order of the law set forth by the ancestors, in accordance to the decree of the nine covens, Davina Claire, you are henceforth banished from this community. Your title is revoked, as is your link to those that have come before. You will no longer have contact with the ancestors. To the New Orleans witches, it will be as though you were never born." Elder witches: Traitor! Traitor! Murderer! (All shouting) (Shouting stops) Vincent: I'm sorry, Davina. It's time. (Whoosh) (Panting) (Whoosh) (Gasping) [SCENE_BREAK] [ Mikaelson compound ] [SCENE_BREAK] Aurora: Uh! Hayley: I'm gonna ask you again... where is Rebekah? Aurora: You're quite strong for an infant. Aurora: Ah! Uh... Uh... Uh! Ah! Uh! Uh! Ah! Agh! Oh! Rrgh! Ha! Ah! Uh! Huh! Whoo! Ha ha ha! That actually hurt. Ha ha! Oh, I haven't felt pain since the 1700s... kind of tickles... and for that, I'm gonna make you suffer. Huh! Agh! Hayley: How about a werewolf bite, you psychotic, little bitch? Aurora: By all means if only I can laugh in your face when Nik heals me. Aurora: Uh! Ah! Freya: Maybe Klaus would heal you, but I doubt he would heal your brother. Why don't you bite him instead? Hayley: Hmm. Aurora: No one should dare harm my brother... Seeing as you're all going to need him if you want your precious Rebekah back. Klaus: It's quite the conundrum, isn't it? If I kill you, Aurora will be furious, and she's my sister's keeper. Tristan: Not to mention the object of your depraved desires, yet, despite all your time together, you hold no influence over her. I do, and once Elijah's safety is assured and, thus, mine, as well, I'll convince Aurora to turn Rebekah over to us. Klaus: And were I to dagger Elijah, were I to lock my brother in a box, that would fulfill 2/3 of the prophecy, leaving only little, old me. Perhaps you think I'd be an easier target if I were alone. Tristan: That's not the first time you'd have let siblings slumber while you toil on, and in a year's time when the prophecy has passed and each of our fates secure, you may wake them at your own leisure if you so choose. Klaus: That's very bold of you to suggest I betray my own blood. Perhaps I should kill you right now. Tristan: Well, there is one thing I know which you do not with regard to your beloved sister. Aurora: You see, while I did ensure that Rebekah was dropped in the ocean, I don't know precisely where. I had some old friends do it for me, and then I killed them. Tristan: Aurora has procured the exact location of Rebekah's watery grave in two sealed envelopes. Hers contained the latitude. Aurora: And Tristan got the longitude. Tristan: Thus, each of us has one half of the coordinates you need to find your sister... Aurora: "X" marks the spot. Tristan: Assuming, of course, you keep us both alive. Aurora: So tell me, girls... Who has the advantage now? [SCENE_BREAK] [ Mikaelson compound ] [SCENE_BREAK] Lucien: Longitude and latitude. Lovely. Tristan: Well, despite our differences, I believe great strides were made today. Aurora: Hmm. Elijah: Tristan, I can't murder you this very moment, but I could just as easily tear those eyeballs from your skull and feed them to your sister. Klaus: Elijah, these are our guests. Aurora: Nik, it's so sweet of you to defend us. Klaus: You know, I doubted my brother's wisdom in bringing us all together today, but he was right. We must confront the harsh realities we all face and make difficult choices... To ensure our collective survival... And I have every confidence that my choice... Will be the right one. (Crack) (Aurora gasps) Klaus: Were you anyone else, the servants would already be mopping your blood from the floor. If you do not bring my sister home, Tristan will die slowly and in tremendous pain. Aurora: You betray me after all your promises of love. Klaus: I meant to keep those promises! It was you who shattered them when you took Rebekah! Now I have your brother, a sibling for a sibling. I want Rebekah back. Aurora: You will regret this. Huh! Freya: After everything today, you just let her go? Elijah: Aurora should be easy enough to control. We have Tristan now. Klaus: Lucien... You will take me to Camille, and you will surrender the medallion, or you will meet an end so cruel, the devil will weep. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Lucien's penthouse ] [SCENE_BREAK] Anton: Thought I told you to sit still. Cami: No. You told me to drink, so I drank, and now I'm cleaning up. How much do you know about Klaus Mikaelson? Because the chances of Lucien coming back are, um, kind of slim. Anton: You better hope you're wrong, or you might not make it through the night. Cami: Oh, I don't think you want to hurt me. See, Klaus is the most ruthless vampire in all of history, and guess what. He kind of likes me, so maybe you should be the one worrying about whether or not you make it through the night. Anton: You're a bad drunk. Oh! Aagh! Cami: I think I'm a pretty good drunk. Anton: Ooh! (Sizzling) I'm gonna kill you. Oh... Cami: Not while the sun's still out. (Ding) Aurora: You must be Cami. (Trolley bell rings) Anton: Uh! Klaus: Rrgh! Raagh! Where is she? Anton: I told you. She took my daylight ring and ran. Klaus: Uhh! This is your fault. Lucien: Well, to be fair, if Cami had done as she was told, she'd still be here, so technically, it's her fault. Lucien: Ah, ah. Now, you may hate me for involving your pretty friend, but I needed your full attention. You certainly don't listen to me, despite my nonstop efforts to keep you alive. Klaus: If that really is the weapon that can lock me away for eternity, why hand it over? Lucien: Proof of my loyalty. Yes. I sided with Tristan, but it's quite clear his devotion to Aurora outweighs even the value he places on his own life. Take it. It's yours. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Gillespie's pub ] [SCENE_BREAK] ("Ruelle's deep end" playing) Ruelle: Oh, yeah Oh, yeah Where can I go? When the shadows are calling? Marcel: Can you help her? Vincent: If she lets me. I'm not holding my breath. She's been through a lot. Marcel: She's alive. That's what counts. Vincent: Yeah. We'll keep telling ourselves that, won't we? [SCENE_BREAK] [ Cami's apartment / Outside Lucien's penthouse ] [SCENE_BREAK] Ruelle: Pulling me underneath It's getting close Klaus: Cami? Camille? Ruelle: It's taking over (Telephone rings) Cami (on phone): It's Cami. Leave a message. (Beep) Klaus: I need... I need to know you're safe. Call me back, please. Ruelle: I'm slipping Into the deep end Feel the current within I can't help, I give in (Chuckles) Ruelle: Like light in my veins Darnkess is sinking Darnkess is sinking me [SCENE_BREAK] [ Kenner apartment ] [SCENE_BREAK] Hayley: Jack, I am so sorry. I thought I would be back in time. Is Hope still up? Jackson: Hope's asleep. She cried a little bit and finally went down. Hayley: The family needed my help. Jackson: I asked you for one thing today... just leave it be. Don't make it a fight. That's all I wanted. Hayley: And I wanted to give that to you, but... Jackson: .. but nothing. I should know this by now. No matter what Klaus does to you, to me, to the pack, whenever the Mikaelsons come calling, you will always be there to answer. Hayley: Where are you going? Jackson: Out to the bayou. I figured I'd spend the rest of this holiday with my family. Hayley: Jack... [SCENE_BREAK] [ Mikaelson compound / French Quarter ] [SCENE_BREAK] Ruelle: Current within I can't help, I give in I'm lost in the deep end Oh, yeah I'm lost in the deep end Elijah: Have you found Camille? Klaus, on phone: Not yet, but I will. Elijah: Niklaus, do you think it was wise, allowing Aurora to go free? Klaus: With her brother captured, she has no choice but to bring our sister home. Elijah: Do you love her? Klaus: My affections are not the point. What matters now is that we have this maddening prophecy under control. Elijah: Perhaps. (Beep)

With a dire prophecy looming over them, Klaus and Elijah invite Lucien, Tristan and Aurora to a Thanksgiving gathering in an attempt to negotiate a truce. When Aurora reveals that she has powerful leverage over Klaus, Hayley and Freya take matters into their own hands, leading to a deadly three-way confrontation. Elsewhere, Marcel and Vincent are forced to take drastic measures when they realize Davina may be in over her head, and Cami finds herself face-to-face with a dangerous new threat.

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[Scene: P3. Prue, Piper and Leo are standing around the bar. Phoebe walks up to them.] Phoebe: I don't think we're gonna be able to pull this off. Leo: We have to. Prue: We've been in tighter jams than this before. Phoebe: But we're running out of time, I don't think we're gonna make it. Prue: Phoebe, we can do this, okay? I mean, if we just get a quick bite to eat at Red's, we can still make the 9:30 Faithless at the Avalon. Leo: The foreign film? I thought we were gonna go see a thriller. Phoebe: No, Leo, I wanna stop thinking about Cole and his demon dodging, not be reminded of it. Leo: Piper? Phoebe: Leo, it is three votes for Faithless. Piper: Well, a thriller would be okay. Prue: Okay, wait a second, the vote's two against two? Phoebe: That's new. Piper: Welcome to the power of four. Phoebe: I demand a recount. Wait, that never works. (Piper laughs. Cole comes down the stairs.) Leo: Something tells me you're not gonna wanna see either movie now. (Phoebe goes over to Cole.) Phoebe: Hey. Cole: Hey. (She hugs him.) Phoebe: I was so worried. Cole: I know, I'm sorry. I couldn't come back until it was safe. Phoebe: Is it safe now? Cole: I think so. For the moment. (She kisses him and they walk over to Prue, Piper and Leo.) Prue: Hey, welcome back. Cole: Thanks. Glad to be back. Piper: Love to chat but we're late for a movie. Leo: Wanna go? We could use the tie breaker. Cole: Actually, I was hoping Phoebe and I could catch up, alone. Phoebe: Works for me. Chao! (They leave.) Piper: Look at Phoebe and Cole trying to be a normal couple. Leo: You know what that means. Prue: Yeah, yeah, yeah, we're gonna go see the thrillers. As if we don't have enough scary bad guys in our real life. [Cut to outside. Phoebe and Cole are walking down the street.] Phoebe: I was starting to worry that you weren't gonna make it back in time for my graduation. Cole: Wouldn't miss that for the world, or the underworld. Phoebe: It's really not safe for you here, isn't it? Cole: Uh, no, yeah, it is. I mean, at least I think so. Phoebe: Then what's wrong? Cole: The truth is I don't know how much longer I can keep doing this. Phoebe: Doing what? Cole: You know, the running, and the hiding. Even if I stop, where do I go? I'm still half human, but I can't go back. On the other hand there's really no place for me in your world either. (They stop and face each other.) Phoebe: What are you saying? Cole: I'm just saying it's complicated. But it doesn't have to be, not with magic on our side. I've been thinking, isn't there some kind of spell or something in the Book of Shadows, you could strip my powers? Phoebe: Wait, you wanna give up your powers? Cole: If I don't have them, I can't be tempted to use them, I could just stay good... (She pulls him closer.) Phoebe: You would do that for me? (They kiss. A homeless person near by starts yelling.) Homeless Man: Prepare for the brotherhood! (Cole looks at the homeless man.) Phoebe: Cole, what is it? Homeless Man: The thorn is coming! Stop the brotherhood! Phoebe: Do you know him? Cole: No, but if he doesn't watch what he's saying... (A demon appears behind the homeless man and pulls him into an alley. Phoebe runs towards the alley.) Phoebe, don't. (Phoebe runs into the alley. The homeless man falls dead on the ground.) Phoebe: No! (The demon throws an energy ball at Phoebe. She dodges it. He moves closer to her and she kicks him in the stomach. He goes at her with a dagger, she grabs his arm, gets the dagger and stabs him. He is vanquished. Cole comes around the corner.) Where were you? What happened to you? Cole: You just vanquished my brother. Opening Credits [Scene: Manor. Cole and Phoebe walk into the conservatory.] Phoebe: You know, Cole, there's plenty working against us. I just thought at least I could count on you being honest with me. Cole: I am. Phoebe: Okay, so you just forgot you had a brother? Cole: He's not that kind of brother. Phoebe: How many kinds of brothers are there? Cole: It's complicated. Phoebe: You know, I hate that word. (Prue, Piper and Leo walk in.) Piper: Alright, we were just about to find out who the real killer is and the pager goes off, so this better be a really good emergency. Phoebe: Well, I'm the real killer. I just vanquished Cole's brother. Prue: Whoa, this is so much better than the movie. Cole: I didn't want him to see me. Phoebe: And we lost an innocent because of it. Some poor street prophet. He was ranting about the brotherhood. Leo: Brotherhood? Of the thorn? Cole: Yeah. I was a member... am a member. Piper: What does that mean? What does he mean? Leo: You should have told us. Cole: I've done a lot in the last hundred years, it's gonna take a while to catch you up. Prue: Okay, so who are they? Leo: They're an alead gang, they answer directly to the source. He selects the members himself. Then they take a blood oath, life long pledge of loyalty. Phoebe: Oh, that kind of brother. Cole: All that matters now is that they're surfacing. They must have something big in the works. Piper: So why kill a crazy old street preacher? Cole: Because not all of them are crazy, or human. Some of them are magical sears who can pre-see actual events. But they're loud, dirty, so people ignore them. If you call Inspector Morris, I bet he'll tell you other prophets have been killed too. Phoebe: For what? Just by talking about your... this gang? Cole: The brotherhood can't risk anyone figuring out what they're up to. Prue: Okay, so what are they up to? Cole: I have no idea. I'm not exactly a member of good standing anymore. Phoebe: The Prophet that I was trying to save was talking about Lockserom. Piper: The Internet provider? What, the demons want their own website now? Prue: No, there must be more to it than that. Alright, Phoebe, you check the net, Piper, you got the Book of Shadows. Cole: Save it. You can't stop the brotherhood with a little research and your kick, freeze, magical move. No offence intended. Piper: Some taken. Leo: No, he's right. They're way beyond anything you've dealt with before. Phoebe: So we can't just let them go. There's gotta be a way to find out what they're planning. Cole: There is one way. For me to go back. Phoebe: Cole. Cole: If you want to know what they're up to we have no choice. Phoebe: Okay, but you'll be exposing yourself to the source. They'll kill you. Cole: Maybe not. They've probably already surfaced, set up camp in this world. I won't have to go under completely. Prue: It does kind of make sense. Phoebe: Well, if course it makes sense to you, Prue, you're always looking for a way to get Cole out of our lives. Piper: Phoebe. Cole: This isn't about her, Phoebe, it's about me. Phoebe: No, it's about us. (Phoebe leaves the room.) [Scene: A building. A demon (Tarkin), and a woman (Klea), are walking towards another demon.] Klea: We might have a problem. Demon: One of the Prophets? Klea: No, although the ones we've targeted have been taken out, including Triggs. Tarkin: Triggs is missing. I haven't been able to find him anywhere, which means someone is onto our plan. Demon: Impossible. As long as the Prophets are dead. Keep searching for our brother. I have to complete my assimilation, we must move forward. (Klea disappears.) [Cut back to the manor. Prue, Piper and Leo walk down the stairs.] Piper: I'm worried, and not just about Cole but also Phoebe. I mean, sending him back under is like sending an alcoholic to a kegger. It's just setting him up to fall. Leo: I agree. (They walk into the conservatory.) Prue: Alright, this whole voting together thing would be really really cute if it weren't so annoying. I mean, maybe you guys vote should just count as one for now on. Piper: I bet you wouldn't mind if we were voting with you. (Prue gives Piper an evil stare.) Leo: I mean, what if we lose him, Prue, you don't want that responsibility, do you? Prue: Okay, look, the only votes that count are Phoebe and Cole's, and Cole has already volunteered. Piper: Well, then maybe Phoebe can talk him out of it. Prue: Right, which is why we need another plan. So you guys work on the Book of Shadows together and I will call Morris and see what he knows. [Cut to the attic. Phoebe and Cole are there. Phoebe is getting some ingredients together.] Cole: Phoebe, I have to go. Phoebe: Nope, you can't. Cole: Phoebe. Phoebe: Remember that power stripping potion you asked me for, like an hour ago, and everything was still wonderful? Well, I have an idea, I just need some time. (Phoebe stirs some ingredients together using a mortar and pestel.) Cole: Phoebe, I have to go. And I'll need my powers while I'm gone. Phoebe: Why? What are you gonna do? Cole: Just blend in. That's it. I won't do anything evil. Phoebe: Well, let me make sure you can't. (She continues to stir the ingredients quickly. Cole stops her and puts the mortar and pestel down.) Cole: I'll be smart, and careful. I'll check in with you every two hours. Phoebe: How? They'll track your shimmer. Cole: Not if we meet in the mausoleum. That's the second safest place I know. Phoebe: What's the safest? Cole: With you. (Phoebe sighs.) I thought you'd be proud of me. Phoebe: Of what? Being suicidal? Cole: I am coming back. I always have. Phoebe: Yeah, how can you be so sure that you're gonna come back this time? Cole, you've been hiding from them for months. And I don't understand, there's a price on your head and now all of a sudden you're willing to expose yourself? For what? Cole: For good. You taught me not to walk away and let evil win, to fight the good fight. That's all I wanna do. Phoebe: They'll kill you. Cole: I have a plan, don't worry. This is the right thing to do, Phoebe. You know that, we both do. Mausoleum, two hours, okay? (He kisses her hand and shimmers out.) [Cut to the building. Cole walks down a hall towards Vornac's office. Klea sees Cole.] Klea: Vornac. (Vornac and Tarkin turn around.) Vornac: Well, look who's back. Tarkin: Kill him? Vornac: In a minute. (Cole walks in the office.) Belthazor, come in, come in. (A guard shuts the door.) Nice of you to come home to die. Cole: Actually, I came to help. I overheard the Prophets talking. Afraid they'll spoil your plan. Tarkin: What makes you think we have one? Cole: Tarkin, you always have a plan. Vornac: And after everything you've done, you think you can just walk back in, pick up where you left off? Cole: I'm here to do what's right, Vornac. For the brotherhood. Vornac: Really? And what can you possibly offer that will save your traitoress head? (Cole gets a human head out of a bag and drops it on the floor.) Cole: The Prophets. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Building. Continued from before. Vornac is holding Cole face down on the table.] Vornac: You actually expect me to believe you killed the Prophet? Cole: He was a threat to you. Vornac: Ahh, a bounty on your head and yet you still think of us. Cole: The brotherhood comes first. Vornac: Words to live or die by. Tarkin: Triggs was assigned to kill that Prophet. Did you see him? Cole: No. How is my old friend? (He lets Cole up.) Vornac: Your old friend is missing. Suspiciously. Cole: Brothers missing, Prophets talking, and I had no trouble tracking you down. Pretty careless. What does Raynor think of this? Vornac: Raynor thinks you're a disgrace. Cole: Why? Because I killed the Triad. Tarkin: Isn't that enough? Cole: They were plotting to kill the Source so they could take over, which means they would have killed every other demon in his inner circle. Including Raynor. Tarkin: We never did trust the Triad. Vornac: Then why didn't he come back and explain himself, hmm? Why run? Cole: Because I had no proof, that's why. I knew nobody would believe me. Vornac: Brothers for a hundred years and you disappeared without a word, left us with the rumours, the accusations. Were you thinking about the brotherhood then? Check his story. (Klea disappears.) Tarkin: Back to work. So, who we after? Vornac: Not your concern. Until Klea returns he goes nowhere. (Vornac disappears.) Cole: He always was a tight-ass, wasn't he? Tarkin: Do you blame him? Cole: No. Tarkin: It's nice to have you back, Belthazor. I just hope it's for good. Cole: Yeah, me too. [Scene: Manor. Conservatory. Prue, Leo and Piper are there. Piper looks at her watch.] Piper: Poor Phoebe, she must be going out of her mind. Prue: It's only been three hours. Piper: Three and a half. Way past the time he said he would check in with her. Leo, maybe you should orb into the mausoleum and see if she's heard from him. Prue: Well, she said that she would call if she had. Leo: Besides, I think I should stay here till we figure out what the brotherhoods plan is. Piper: Oh, and now you're voting with her. Prue: Um, Lockserom, that's what the Prophet said, right? (Prue shows them an article in the newspaper.) Leo: "Merger talks between Lockserom and meta satellite faltered over the weekend." Piper: Wait a minute, so Cole is risking his life to preserve stock portfolios? Prue: No, it's much bigger than that. According to this, if the merger goes through, the world's affirmation flow will wind up in the hands of one company. Piper: Well, that sounds evil by itself. Leo: Except for one of the CEO's, Frank Pirelli, is apparently getting cold feet about it. Prue: Yeah, what do you wanna bet the brotherhood wants this merger to go through so they can take over the company? Leo: Which means they're gonna have to somehow force Pirelli to vote for it. Prue: Yeah, or kill him. It sure would be nice to be able to compare notes with Cole. Piper: Well, we could if someone would orb to the mausoleum. [Cut to the mausoleum. Phoebe's there. Leo orbs in.] Leo: Phoebe, anything? Phoebe: I'm sure it's not as easy to break away from there as he thought. He'll show. Leo: It's okay to be scared. Phoebe: No, I'm not scared. Concerned maybe, a little. We shouldn't have let him go. Leo: We didn't. He choose to. Phoebe: I know, and for what? To prove to me that he's good? He doesn't have to prove anything to me. (Cole shimmers in.) Cole. (She runs over and hugs him.) Are you okay? Did they buy your story? Cole: For now, but I gotta get back. They're suspicious enough as it is. Phoebe: Well, then maybe you shouldn't go back. Cole: I want to, to stop them. Look, I don't have much time. All I know is they're after someone who's gonna be at Pier and Pescadero at 8am. But I don't know who. Leo: We might. Frank Pirelli runs Lexserom but he doesn't want a big merger to happen. Cole: The brotherhood does. Makes sense, explains why they've taken over investment banking firm. Phoebe: How does it explain that? Cole: The best way for evil to get a foot hole in the human world is to take over their businesses. Work from the inside out. Phoebe: You just learn that, did you? Cole: No. Leo: So we need to safe guard Pirelli, till the merger vote at 11:00, and the brotherhood loses. Cole: Yes, but if you intevene, they might think I had something to do with it. You could blow my cover. Leo: We can't let them kill Pirelli. Cole: But you can let them kill me? Phoebe: No, no, Cole, look at me. We're gonna find a way to protect you. You'd better get back. (He touches her face.) Cole: Alright. I'm looking forward to seeing you in your cap and gown. (He takes the bottle of water Phoebe is holding.) Mind if I borrow this? (Cole shimmers out.) [Cut to the building. Cole walks in the office holding the bottle of water.] Vornac: Where'd you go? Cole: I got thirsty. Wanna urine sample to prove it? (He has a drink from the bottle.) Vornac: Your flippant attitude almost got you killed once before. Remember that. Cole: I remember. You saved me. Vornac: Alright, let's review. (Tarkin turns on a screen. A 3D map of Pier and Pescadero, and the buildings surrounding them shows up.) Tarkin: We patrol the perimeter. We reflect traffic. I'll monitor security. Once the limo's been cut off, Jassa will throw the energy bolt. At that... Vornac: No, wait. Let's give Belthazor the honour. What better way to make sure he's truly back then to have him kill. Cole: Fine. What's the target? Vornac: Why? Does it matter? It's time. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Corner of Pier and Pescadero. Tarkin walks up to Cole.] Tarkin: Nervous? Cole: Hmm? Me? No, I was just thinking. Tarkin: Been a while since you've seen this kind of action hasn't it? It'll come back to you. It's in our blood. Cole: Yeah. I know. Tarkin: Just execute the plan, Belthazor. No confusion, no consequences. It's no more complicated than that, okay? [Cut to Prue, Piper, Phoebe and Leo walking down the street near by.] Piper: Wouldn't it be nice to save the world at a descent hour? Phoebe: Okay, well, we have to focus here because if we don't pull this off just right, Cole is screwed. Prue: Well, as long as we wait until the last second, Cole should be fine. Leo: Well, let's just hope that killing Pirelli isn't all they want. Piper: Well, if it wasn't he would've told you, right? I mean, unless you think he's holding something back. Phoebe: You know, this is amazing. First Prue can't sacrifice Cole fast enough, and now you can't wait to sell him out as a traitor. Leo: She was just asking a question, Phoebe. Phoebe: That she should know the answer to. We all should. Cole is risking his life for this. The least we can do is trust him. [Cut to Vornac and another demon. Vornac looks at his watch.] Vornac: Go. (The demon gets in his car. Klea appears beside Vornac.) Well? Klea: I haven't been able to prove Belthazor's story one way of another. Vornac: That's alright. We're about to find out if he's telling the truth or not. (Vornac and Klea walk over to Cole and Tarkin. A black limo drives out of a building car park. The demon drives in front of the limo. The limo driver stops the car, honks his horn and angrily gets out of the car.) Limo Driver: I've got it, Mr. Pirelli. (He storms over to the demon's car.) What the hell's the matter with you? Move your car now! Vornac: (to Cole) What are you waiting for? Kill. Or be killed. (Cole moves onto the road. The demon gets out of the car and moves out of the way.) Limo Driver: Hey, where are you going? Where you going, damn it! (Cole throws an energy ball at the limo. Prue, Piper, Phoebe and Leo come running around the corner and Piper freezes the energy ball in mid-air. They run over to the limo.) Prue: Alright, Leo, go, go, go! (Leo gets in the limo and orbs out with Pirelli. They head back past Cole.) Phoebe: Maybe we should take Cole with us. Prue: No, he has to look innocent after the fact. He's gotta figure out a way to get out on his own. Come on. (Prue and Piper walk away. Phoebe slips a note in Cole's pocket. She touches his face and then runs off. Piper peeks around the corner of a wall and unfreezes everything. The energy ball hits the limo and it blows up. The driver dives to the ground.) Vornac: Go get the body. (Klea disappears. Cole walks back over to Vornac.) Cole: What do you want the body for? There won't be much left. Vornac: But even a trace could alert the humans to the switch. Cole: What switch? (Vornac changes into Pirelli. He disappears and reappears down the street. A car drives out of the car park. Men get out of the car and help Vornac/Pirelli into it. The car drives off.) Tarkin: Feels great doesn't it, Belthazor? Welcome home, brother. You've been missed. (Tarkin shakes his hand. Klea appears.) Where's Pirelli's body? Klea: It wasn't there. Tarkin: What do you mean it wasn't there? [Cut to the manor. Leo walks in the living room.] Leo: Pirelli's in the basement. He's fine. Phoebe's sleeping potion worked perfectly. Phoebe: Name my potions, they solve everything. (Prue turns on the TV.) Leo: Didn't have any problems? Piper: No, Phoebe wanted to bring home a souvenir, but otherwise no. Prue: I wonder is the kidnapping made the morning news? Phoebe: What do we do now? Prue: Well, I don't know, that's up to Cole. He's gotta let us know what the demon's next move... (Frank Pirelli shows up on the TV.) is. Vornac/Pirelli: (on TV) It's no coincidence that just last night I changed my mind and decided to support this merger. Now someone's trying to kill me. That convinces me I've made the right choice. This merger will happen. Thank you. Piper: What was that about Cole telling us everything? [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Manor. Living room. Prue and Piper are sitting on the couch. Phoebe walks in and sits down.] Phoebe: If Cole had knew about the switch he would have told us. Piper: Are you sure? He's back with his brothers now, maybe he's switched too. Phoebe: Come on, why all of a sudden are you off his band wagon? What's changed? Piper: The plan blew up in our faces, that's what's changed. Phoebe: And Cole is responsible for that? Piper: Phoebe, not knowing the switch is a pretty big detail to miss, don't you think? Aside from the whole he originally tried to kill us thing that's coming to mind right about now. Prue: Okay, but Piper, Cole's done a lot of good since then. We have to give him credit for that. Phoebe: Thank you. (Prue smiles.) Piper: Come on, Phoebe, you have to admit you're a little worried about him. Phoebe: About his getting killed, yes, but not about his betraying us. (Leo walks in.) Leo: Pirelli's still out cold in the basement. How are things up here? Phoebe: Getting colder by the minute. Prue: Okay, uh, we need to work on a plan, alright? And we need to be smart because Cole is counting on it. So the merger voting is at 11:00, that gives us two hours to figure out a way to get the demon imposter out of there. Phoebe: Anything we do could point Cole out as their leak. So we have to let him know what we're up to. Piper: Do we? Phoebe: Yeah, he deserved to know that. Let me tell him to get out of there. Leo: How are you gonna get him to meet you? Phoebe: I slipped him a note at the attack asking him to meet me at the mausoleum. Let me try. Prue: Okay, be careful and be fast. And if for whatever reason Cole doesn't meet you there, get back here right away, okay, so we can start working on plan B. Phoebe: Okay. (She stands up.) Prue: Okay, be safe. (Phoebe leaves.) Piper: Well, since plan A's going so well, I'd love to hear about plan B. Assuming that you have one. Prue: I've part of it. In the freezer. (Prue heads for the kitchen.) Piper: Freezer? (Piper and Leo follow Prue to the kitchen.) Wait, we're gonna fight the brotherhood with -----. Prue: No, with a vanquishing potion made from Belthazor flesh. (She takes the flesh out of the freezer.) Piper: Eww, you kept that this long? That's disgusting! Leo: What makes you think that'll work? Prue: Well, you said that they were connected by a blood oath, their blood. (She picks up the flesh with a fork.) So the potion that vanquishes one, should work on the others. Piper: Hmm, how lucky that we had the key ingredient in our freezer. Prue: Yeah. I guess in the back of my head, I sort of thought that we might need it again someday. [Scene: Vornac's office. Cole finds Phoebe's note in his pocket. He quickly reads it. Vornac/Pirelli and Klea appears.] Vornac/Pirelli: That's impossible. (Pirelli changes back into Vornac.) Klea: Not if it was done magically. Vornac: Belthazor, what do you think? Cole: Me? I think, uh, well, I think Klea's right. Somebody intervened. Vornac: Like who? Cole: How would I know? Vornac: Guess. Cole: Witches? Tarkin: Witches? How can witches be onto us? Vornac: Any thoughts? Cole: We might have a leak. Vornac: Yes, I think we do. A traitor amongst us. Now, (he moves closer to Cole) who do you suppose that could be? Tarkin: Come on, Vornac, you can't think that Belthazor... Vornac: Don't tell me what to think. Cole: Give me a break. I'm not stupid enough to come back home and betray you all in one day. Klea: That's not stupid, that's smart. Vornac: She's right. After all, it's so ludicrous. Who would suspect you? You see, the thing that bothers me most about this, Belthazor, are the rumours. The ones that say that while you were a fugitive, you fell in love with a witch. And now here we are, confronted by the very real possibilities, our entire operation has been compromised by coincidence of coincidences, witches. Cole: The rumours are true. Tarkin: What? Cole: I loved a witch. Still do, actually. At least my human half does. But that was a mistake, I realise that now. I'd forgotten who I really was. Klea: Raynor will demand he die for his treason. Cole: Or he will forgive me for being able to salvage the operation. I think I can get Pirelli back. Vornac: How? Cole: The witch I was involved with, her sister has the power to freeze, in which with that kind of power could have taken Pirelli from the limo without us even knowing it. Vornac: Another coincidence. The witch you bedded just happens to be the one who's onto us. Cole: Let me prove my loyalties. Let me go to the witches, get Pirelli, bring him back. Then you can pass judgement. Vornac: Are you saving us, brother? Or leading us into a trap? Go. (Cole shimmers out.) If he's telling the truth, help him. If he's not, kill him. (Klea disappears.) [Cut to the mausoleum. Phoebe is waiting there. Cole shimmers in.] Phoebe: Cole. Oh my god, I've been so... Cole: No, don't. It's too dangerous. Phoebe: What do you mean? What's the matter? Cole: Just trust me. Where's Pirelli? (Klea appears near by, but only her eyes are visible.) Phoebe: At the manor, in the basement. Cole: So you do have him? Phoebe: Yeah, of course. Cole: What's your plan? Phoebe: Our plan is to vanquish the demon that took his place, before the merger vote. Cole: No, you can't. That will be a huge mistake. Phoebe: Why? Cole, you're scaring me. Cole: You should be scared. You have no idea who you're up against. Phoebe: Oh, don't I? Cole, what's happening to you? What aren't you telling me? Cole: I'm telling you to stay out of this, alright? Don't do anything. Just go back home, wait to hear from me. I mean it. (He shimmers out. Klea disappears.) [Scene: Manor. Phoebe walks into the living room.] Prue: Hey, how did it go? Phoebe: I'm not sure, actually. Piper: What does that mean? Phoebe: I don't know, it was strange. He was strange. Almost mean. But he doesn't want us to go after the demon, he wants us to wait here. Prue: What? Why? Phoebe: He didn't say. It doesn't make sense, the whole thing doesn't make sense. I think he's in trouble. Either that or... Piper: Or he's turned. Phoebe: No, I don't believe that. There's gotta be a good reason why Cole's doing what he's doing. (Three men appear and one throws an energy ball at the girls. Prue deflects it back with her power and one of the men go up in flames. He disappears. The two remaining men go for the girls. Phoebe kicks one, and Prue uses her power on the other and crashes into the piano. They get up and Piper freezes them.) Piper: Whoa, whoa. Phoebe: How do they know where we live? Piper: How do you think? Prue: Leo! (Leo runs in with two bottles of potion. He gives them to Prue and Piper.) Phoebe: What is that? Piper: Demon be-gone. (Prue and Piper throw the potion at the demons and vanquishes them.) Leo: You're right, the potion worked. Phoebe: What potion? Prue: Okay, that was way too easy. Oh my god, Pirelli, Pirelli. (They run down into the basement. Cole and Tarkin have a hold of Pirelli.) Phoebe: Cole! (Cole and Tarkin shimmer out with Pirelli.) Piper: What do you think now? [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Manor. Conservatory. Phoebe is there staring out the window. Prue, Piper and Leo walk in.] Prue: Alright, Phoebe, we need to get going. The merger vote is in less than three minutes. Phoebe: Why didn't you tell me you kept some of the potion to kill Cole with? Piper: Well, it's a good thing she did, it came in pretty handy. Prue: Look, Phoebe, I'm sorry I didn't tell you, but the truth is until recently I didn't really trust Cole. I mean, I sort of felt like I had to protect us just in case. Phoebe: Just in case what? He tried to kill us? Piper: It wouldn't be the first time. (Phoebe looks away.) Well, it wouldn't. Look, I know you love him, and we all know that he loves you, but sending demons to kidnap our innocent kind of speaks for itself. Leo: You're right, we never should had let him go under. Phoebe: I still think this is all part of some plan of his, it has to be. Prue: Okay, but right now we need to stick to our plan, which is to vanquish the demon imposter. Phoebe: Cole said not to, he said it was a huge mistake and I believe him. Piper: Okay, but we don't. Leo: Come on, you guys, we really have to get going. Prue: That's three to one, Pheebs. You coming? [Cut to the brotherhood building.] Vornac: You cost me three of my best demons. What the hell went wrong? Tarkin: The witches were more prepared then we thought. Vornac: Another coincidence. Cole: I didn't tip them. Vornac: Did he? Klea: He told the witch to go home. Unless it was some sort of code. Cole: It wasn't. Look, the plan was to get Pirelli, I did that. Vornac: Then where is he? Cole: Some where you can't get him. Not until I'm sure you won't kill me. Vornac: And how do I know you really have him? Tarkin: I was there. He has him. Vornac: And do I trust you anymore? It's time, I have to get back. But after the vote you'd better deliver Pirelli, or I will kill you. (Vornac starts to shimmer out but Cole stops him.) Cole: No, don't. Vornac: Don't what? Cole: Don't go. I know these witches, Vornac. Now that I've kidnapped Pirelli, they'll do anything they can to stop us. They'll try to vanquish you, and they have the potion to do it too. Vornac: But will they vanquish you? [Cut to an empty office. The door flies open and Prue, Piper and Phoebe walk in.] Piper: Vote's in, demon guy, you lose. (A chair swings around and Cole's sitting in it.) Phoebe: Piper, wait. Cole. Cole: Surprised. Prue: What are you doing here? Where's the demon? Cole: He sent me instead. It might be a test. I think he's onto us. Prue: On to us? You make it sound like we're working together. Cole: Aren't we? Piper: Hmm, who you kidding? We should vanquish you on the spot. Where's Pirelli? Cole: He's safe. (He stands up.) Prue: Cole, where is he? Cole: Where else would he be? Phoebe: The safest place you know. The mausoleum. Cole: Isn't that what we agreed to? Phoebe: No, unfortunately, it isn't. (Phoebe throws the potion at Cole.) Prue: Phoebe! (Cole starts yelling. He changes into Vornac. Vornac is vanquished.) Piper: But how did you know? Did you know? Phoebe: The safest place that Cole knows is with me. He said so. (Cole shimmers in. They spin around ready to throw the potion.) Cole: Easy, easy. I know I'm not very popular right now but let the condemned man have his last words. I had no choice but to play it this way. They were so suspicious of me I had to make everyone especially you believe I was evil. Or I was dead. Piper: Some of us still think you're evil. Prue: Alright, so why did that demon impersonate you? Cole: He didn't trust me. Wanted to find out whose side I was really on. I knew you wouldn't fall for it. Piper: What about Pirelli? Cole: I had to make you think I'd actually betrayed you, to give you motivation to kill Vornac and me. (to Phoebe) Forgive me. Phoebe: I never doubted you. (She goes over to him.) Well, maybe just a little. (They kiss. Klea's eyes are watching near by. They then disappear.) Cole: You'd better get Leo to the mausoleum, get Pirelli back here before the mercher. Piper: Can't you get Pirelli? Cole: No, I have to get back. Phoebe: You can't go back now. Cole: Just to cover my tracks. I don't want those guys hunting me down. (He kisses Phoebe.) I'll be out before your graduation party tonight, I promise. (He shimmers out.) [Cut to Cole and Tarkin.] Tarkin: You saw the witches kill Vornac? Cole: No, I saw what was left. So I went to kill Pirelli but he was gone. I can only assume the witches found him. Tarkin: This is a disaster. What are we gonna tell Raynor? He wants a full accounting, you know. Cole: Tell him I warned Vornac not to go but he didn't listen. And now I have to go. Tarkin: Go? Where? Cole: I still have to find proof for the Source to clear my name. I can't very well do that here, can I? See you soon, my brother. Tarkin: You can't go. Raynor wants a full accounting from you. Cole: You can fill him in. You know just as much as I do. (Cole walks away. Klea and Raynor appear. Raynor throws an energy ball at Cole is knocked unconscious.) Tarkin: You were right, Raynor. Raynor: Belthazor has much to explain. And much to answer for. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: P3. Phoebe's graduation party. Phoebe hugs someone and then walks off looking worried. Prue, Piper and Leo are watching her near by.] Piper: Why can't we ever throw a party or have a wedding or just live our lives without evil screwing it up? Prue: She'll start celebrating as soon as Cole shows up. Piper: What if he doesn't? Leo: What if he can't? (They walk over to Phoebe.) Prue: Hey. Look, whatever happens, he did the right thing. He helped get Pirelli back in time to cancel the merger, he helped us stop the brotherhood. Piper: He proved he was good. Phoebe: Yeah, but at what cost? Prue: You can't really think of it like that. Phoebe: Why not? Shouldn't I get to protect one part of my life and say this magic doesn't screw with, this I get to keep. Prue: Yes, you should. Phoebe: Last night Cole was back and he wanted to strip his powers, and I was graduating. Yesterday everything was perfect, and today it's all fallen apart. Where is he? What happened to him?

Cole officially aligns himself with Phoebe and her sisters when he agrees to go undercover as Belthazor in order to investigate an evil organization who are murdering street prophets in order to promote their own internet provider. Things get tricky when the sisters have to vanquish the demon who is posing as the company's manager without getting Cole into trouble. However, the sisters soon fear that Cole may be double-crossing them.

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THE ARMAGEDDON FACTOR BY: BOB BAKER AND DAVE MARTIN Part Four Running time:25:09 [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: We have a problem. Well, several problems. Mentalis knows, but won't tell, about Astra. Refuses us access to the memory banks but tells us that the Marshal's on his way here to blow this place to smithereens. SHAPP: But won't it react? ROMANA: Oh, yes. Mentalis is convinced it's invincible. It's been programmed not to accept defeat. MERAK: Then it'll stop him. SHAPP: It'll counterattack. DOCTOR: Unfortunately, it's been programmed that the war is over, so it can't attack. It thinks it's won. That's the trouble with machines. ROMANA: So what will happen? DOCTOR: Well, it will self-destruct. I think obliteration was the term it used. ROMANA: So if the Marshal attacks SHAPP: Which he will. DOCTOR: There will be a rather large bang, big enough to blow up Zeos, take Atrios with it, and make certain the whole thing ends in a sort of draw. That's the way these military minds work. The Armageddon factor. [SCENE_BREAK] PILOT: Target located, sir. MARSHAL: Excellent. Prepare to attack. [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: Has it ever occurred to you, Shapp, that you and the Marshal and this thing are in an arena, playing out a game for some evil alien spectator? ROMANA: The third force. DOCTOR: Yes. I think I've met him. Calls himself the Shadow. [SCENE_BREAK] SHADOW: Astra. Princess Astra. Do you hear me? ASTRA: Yes, I hear you. SHADOW: Good. There are certain duties you must perform. ASTRA: Yes. SHADOW: You will help me in my quest. You understand? ASTRA: Yes. SHADOW: Astra, you are to meet your lover. Smile. [SCENE_BREAK] SHAPP: What are you going to do? DOCTOR: Well, we're going to try and neutralise and dismantle Mentalis here, and it's absolutely essential that while I'm fiddling it doesn't have to be distracted by an attack from the Marshal. Now listen, I want you two to go back to Atrios via the transmat. You, Shapp, are to contact the Marshal. Tell him he's won. Tell him the war's over. Tell him anything you like but stop him taking any further action. SHAPP: And if I can't? DOCTOR: Well, then Mentalis SHAPP: If the Marshal refuses to listen? DOCTOR: Then Mentalis will SHAPP: If he insists on going ahead? DOCTOR: Well, then Mentalis will go into it's Armageddon sequence, we'll be bits of dust flying round the cosmos, including the Marshal. You might even tell him that. What are you waiting for? SHAPP: Oh, yeah. MERAK: But what about Astra? ROMANA: Merak, don't worry about Astra. We'll find her. Your duty lies with your patients. You must go back to Atrios with Shapp. MERAK: Oh, very well. [SCENE_BREAK] ASTRA (OOV.): Merak! SHAPP: What are you doing, Merak? Come on! SHAPP: Merak! [SCENE_BREAK] MERAK: Astra! Astra, it's me, Merak. Astra, where are you? MERAK: Astra. ASTRA: Merak. MERAK: Astra. ASTRA: Merak. [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: K9, are you sure this is all right? K9: Affirmative. DOCTOR: I mean, it doesn't feel threatened or anything? K9: Negative. Proceed. ROMANA: Doctor DOCTOR: Yes? ROMANA: Do you think it was the Shadow who built this? DOCTOR: Oh, more than likely, yeah. ROMANA: Well, since there don't seem to be any Zeons on Zeos, if you know what I mean, presumably it's the Shadow who's got the Princess. DOCTOR: More than likely. The question is, where? ROMANA: What about between Atrios and Zeos. Do you remember? DOCTOR: Romana, that's brilliant. Of course! He's got a third planet all to himself. ROMANA: Right. All we have to do is find it. DOCTOR: After I've stopped this. ROMANA: Well, if you can stop it. DOCTOR: What? ROMANA: What have you done? DOCTOR: I don't know. K9, what have I done? K9: You have triggered primary alert function. DOCTOR: Blast. K9: Affirmative. ROMANA: And now it's waiting to blow itself up. K9: If required, to resist attack. DOCTOR: Let's hope Shapp reaches the Marshal before he does anything silly. We're very vulnerable till that's done. ROMANA: Yes, rather like sitting inside a time bomb. DOCTOR: What's that, K9? Well? K9: Assimilating information. DOCTOR: Sorry. Well? K9: Hostile craft approaching. ROMANA: What! [SCENE_BREAK] MARSHAL: There! Zeos at last. I shall crush it like a rotten egg. Faster, man, faster. [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: The Marshal. Shapp must have missed him. K9: Entering self-destruct sequence. In self-destruct sequence. ROMANA: It's going to blow itself up. DOCTOR: Yes, and us with it. Unless. ROMANA: Doctor, look out! [SCENE_BREAK] MARSHAL: Arm all warheads. PILOT: Missiles armed and targeted, sir. [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: That was close. ROMANA: How did they manage to miss? DOCTOR: They weren't aiming at me, they were aiming at that, the control centre, like a scorpion stinging itself to death. As soon as it sensed I was trying to interfere with the sequence, it destroyed its own control centre. It's mindless now, clicking toward oblivion. How long, K9? K9: Damage renders data unavailable. DOCTOR: The TARDIS! ROMANA: Come on, K9! [SCENE_BREAK] PILOT: Within range, sir. MARSHAL: Go in closer. As close as you dare. [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: Here, take a look at this. ROMANA: Ah, you put the five pieces together. Good. DOCTOR: Have you got the tracer? ROMANA: Yes. DOCTOR: Lock it in. Lock it. ROMANA: Now what? DOCTOR: Well, it was just an idea. I thought if we had five-sixths of the pieces it might give us some power. Obviously Guardian technology doesn't work that way. ROMANA: If only we had the sixth piece. DOCTOR: Yeah. Or a sixth piece. ROMANA: What do you mean? DOCTOR: What do you see there? ROMANA: A gap. DOCTOR: Exactly. A gap the shape of the sixth piece. ROMANA: Oh. DOCTOR: We know what it looks like. We can make one. [SCENE_BREAK] MARSHAL: Steady now. SHAPP: Atrion control to Marshal. Marshal? Come in, Marshal. This is Shapp. Imperative you abort. Repeat. Imperative you abort mission. MARSHAL: Turn that thing off. PILOT: Sir. MARSHAL: Useless bureaucrats trying to steal our thunder. Now, closer. Closer. Prepare to strike. MARSHAL: Wait for it, man. Wait for the order. [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: Here we are. ROMANA: Ah. What did you use? DOCTOR: Chronodyne. ROMANA: Is that compatible? DOCTOR: Well, it's as compatible as anything we've got. K9: Compatibility ration seventy four percent. Component therefore unstable and liable to deteriorate. DOCTOR: Yes, and so are we if this doesn't work. This should in theory give us powers of balance and stasis. We should be able to create a neutral, timeless zone, for a while. Now, how does it go? ROMANA: Hang on, let me just. DOCTOR: Lock it, lock it. ROMANA: All right. [SCENE_BREAK] MARSHAL: Fire! [SCENE_BREAK] ROMANA: We've failed. DOCTOR: Have we? [SCENE_BREAK] MARSHAL: Fire! Fire! Fire! [SCENE_BREAK] ROMANA: Doctor, I've got it. [SCENE_BREAK] MARSHAL: Fire! Fire! [SCENE_BREAK] ROMANA: We did it! DOCTOR: Well, ninety nine percent. K9: Correction. Ninety nine point six. DOCTOR: Even better. We haven't stopped them dead. We got them in a three second time loop. Oh! ROMANA: What? DOCTOR: I've stopped the universe. Still, they'll never notice. Just imagine, somewhere someone's just slipped on a banana skin and he'll be wondering forever when he's going to hit the ground. ROMANA: Doctor, why isn't it affecting us? DOCTOR: Oh, come on, Romana! I mean, if it affected the operators, no one would be able to use it. Even the Guardians would think of that. ROMANA: So at the moment we've got absolute power over everything, everywhere. DOCTOR: Yes. Yes, it's quite a feeling, isn't it. Gods for an hour or two. K9: Negative. Deterioration rate of chronodyne chip is in direct proportion to area affected. DOCTOR: Well of course it is. Just imagine the amount of power required to stop the entire universe. ROMANA: How long have we got, K9? K9: Insufficient information for accurate prediction. DOCTOR: Probability, then. K9: Probability is for maximum three point two five minutes. DOCTOR: Three and a quarter minutes? K9: Maximum. Now three point one three minutes. ROMANA: Hang on. If we've got so much power, we ought to be able to localise it in some way. That should help. DOCTOR: Yes. How do you set about localising a time loop? ROMANA: Well, if one has god-like powers, one ought to be able to use them, oughtn't one? DOCTOR: Eh? ROMANA: Command it. DOCTOR: Oh, yes. Yeah. Stand aside. I. Hey, I'd better get this right. K9: Affirmative. DOCTOR: I command that the spatio-temporal loop be confined to the vicinity of the Marshal's vessel, the coordinates of which are already known. There. ROMANA: And the Zeon computer room! DOCTOR: And the Zeon computer room. Let it be done. I thought I handled that rather well. ROMANA: All power corrupts, Doctor. DOCTOR: Oh, come on. It's only a three second time loop. K9: Negative. Time loop stretching. DOCTOR: Already? How much? K9: Point three milliseconds per second. DOCTOR: And the chronodyne chip? K9: Now deteriorating. DOCTOR: Yes, I thought you'd say that. ROMANA: I think we should move. DOCTOR: Yes. Nothing lasts forever. [SCENE_BREAK] SHADOW: The Doctor has been forced to use the Key to Time. It is no longer in a place of safety. You will lure the Doctor here and help me gain access to the TARDIS. You understand? ASTRA: I understand. SHADOW: Go with her. Bwahahahahaha! [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: Come on, quickly. Remember that time loop's stretching. ROMANA: Doctor, come on! The time loop's stretching. [SCENE_BREAK] ASTRA: Merak! Merak, I'm here. Are you hurt? MERAK: My leg, it's twisted. What happened? ASTRA: You fell. I tried to save you, but MERAK: I thought you were ASTRA: Can you stand? MERAK: I think so. ASTRA: Here, let me help you. [SCENE_BREAK] ROMANA: Not very hopeful, is it? Whoever built this had a very twisted mind. [SCENE_BREAK] K9: Halt, who goes there? Identify. MERAK: K9, it's me, Merak. K9: Affirmative. You may enter. Stop. Identify second unit. ASTRA: What is it? MERAK: It's called K9. It belongs to the Doctor. K9: Affirmative. Repeat, identify second unit. MERAK: K9, this is Astra. Princess Astra. The Doctor thinks that she may be able to help him. K9: Hostile presence detected. MERAK: Where? K9: Hostiles approaching. Take cover. MERAK: Quick, hide. [SCENE_BREAK] ASTRA: What's this? MERAK: It belongs to the Doctor. ASTRA: What's inside? I must see inside. MERAK: It's no use, Astra. Only the Doctor and Romana can get in. What's the matter? ASTRA: It's the air in here. MERAK: Perhaps we should go back to Atrios. ASTRA: No, we must go on. We must find your friends. [SCENE_BREAK] K9: Hostiles repulsed. Most satisfactory. K9: Who is there? Identify. Galactic computer distress call received. Please identify. K9 answering computer distress call. Please identify. [SCENE_BREAK] K9: Please identify source of distress. [SCENE_BREAK] MERAK: Doctor, I found her. This is Astra. She was captured by the Zeons. DOCTOR: Was she, now. How do you do? I'm delighted to see you. I'm the Doctor, this is Romana. ROMANA: Hello. ASTRA: Merak's told me about you. DOCTOR: So you rescued her from the Zeons? ASTRA: I escaped. DOCTOR: How did you manage that? ASTRA: Through a tunnel of light. MERAK: I was on my way to the transmat when I heard her calling. Then I fell and hurt myself. ASTRA: I think one of the guards who was after me took a shot at him. DOCTOR: Very likely, very likely. Where are they now? MERAK: Well, they were coming after us, but K9 chased them away. DOCTOR: Good, good. ROMANA: I think Merak needs some medical attention. DOCTOR: Yes. Look, Astra, why don't you and Merak go back to Atrios via the transmat? He'll show you the way. ASTRA: I'd feel safer with you. DOCTOR: Well, I dare say, but we've got a few complicated things to do and Merak does need attention. I think the thing you should do is go back and show your people that you're free. MERAK: He's right, Astra. DOCTOR: Of course I'm right. Off you go now. Hope to see you soon. MERAK: Come on, this way. DOCTOR: Odd. ROMANA: Very odd. DOCTOR: I think we should concentrate on the Shadow and the third planet. ROMANA: All right. [SCENE_BREAK] K9: This is not Atrios. Neither is this Zeos. What is this place? [SCENE_BREAK] MERAK: It's not far now. Just over there. MERAK: Oh, my leg. You'll have to help me up, Astra. ASTRA: I have more important work to do. MERAK: What do you mean? ASTRA: I'd stay and watch you die, but I haven't the time. MERAK: You're, you're not Astra. ASTRA: You fool. [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: K9? K9? ROMANA: He was on guard. DOCTOR: Yes. Something must have happened. ASTRA (OOV.): Doctor! ROMANA: What's that? ASTRA: Doctor! ASTRA: Help! They're after me! Doctor! DOCTOR: Yes, what is it? What is it? Quick into the TARDIS. Key? ROMANA: Doctor, quickly. DOCTOR: All right, all right. ROMANA: Come on. [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: Where's Merak? Is he all right? ASTRA: I got him into the transmat shaft but they were on me before I could follow. He's safe, though. DOCTOR: Good. ROMANA: Doctor, the time loop. It's stretched to about five seconds by the look of it. DOCTOR: Yes. That gives us about an hour of real time. ROMANA: If it goes on stretching and if the false piece lasts long enough. Listen, I'll get a fix on the third planet. DOCTOR: It's a pretty little thing, isn't it. ASTRA: What is it? DOCTOR: It's the Key to Time. Are you all right, Astra? ASTRA: Yes, perfectly. DOCTOR: Well, now you've seen it, does it trigger off any hidden memories? ASTRA: No, it means nothing to me. DOCTOR: That's a pity. I was hoping you'd be able to tell us where the sixth piece is. ASTRA: The sixth piece? DOCTOR: Yes. Look. We have the other five segments. Now we're looking for the sixth and final one. Think, Astra, think. DOCTOR: I wouldn't touch it. It's hot. ROMANA: Got it! DOCTOR: Good, good. Set the coordinates. Let's get on our way. [SCENE_BREAK] SHADOW: Your friends have arrived. We must greet them. K9: Affirmative, master. SHADOW: You fool, Doctor. The Key to Time is mine! Bwahahahahahaha!

K-9 communicates with the leader of the Zeos world and the Doctor attempts to keep the leader from completing it's plan. The Doctor and companions discover the unknown world that is between Atrios and Zeos.

fd_Doctor_Who_1963_14x19

fd_Doctor_Who_1963_14x19_0

THE ROBOTS OF DEATH by: CHRIS BOUCHER PART THREE Running time: 23:51 [SCENE_BREAK] 1. INT. control deck V16: All readings are eighty five percent above safety. TOOS: (Cries out.) She's going! (LEELA blocks her ears. The DOCTOR and DASK continue to struggle.) DASK: ______ DOCTOR: You've got to cut the zeta links! (The DOCTOR breaks free of DASK and grabs a huge pair of industrial-sized cutters. He has a brief stand-off with DASK, who once more gets in his way, but then takes the cutters and turns towards the panel. DASK cuts a cable and there is a flash and a blast.) DOCTOR: Good man. Now the other one. (DASK, resigned to it, cuts another cable, wincing away from the resultant flash and blast.) [SCENE_BREAK] 2. EXT. desert (The huge sandminer grinds to a stop.) [SCENE_BREAK] 3. INT. control deck V16: All motive units closing down. All readings falling to safety. DOCTOR: Well good. Now our troubles really begin. [SCENE_BREAK] 4. EXT. desert (Storm Mine 4 begins to sink into the sand.) [SCENE_BREAK] 5. INT. control deck (V14 still stands on the raised platform.) V14: Surface scanners inoperative. DASK: We're sinking. (DASK checks readings on the forward console.) DASK: Rate of descent ... two metres a second. DOCTOR: I like a man who stays calm, Dask. But this isn't the Titanic. DASK: I do not understand the allusion, Doctor. DOCTOR: Well if the damaged motive units can be repaired, the mine can float itself. DASK: I'll see what I can do. (DASK walks towards the door. The DOCTOR follows him.) DOCTOR: I'll give you a hand with the drive diatrodes. DASK: That will not be necessary. You repair the remote controls. TOOS: There isn't much time, Doctor. Pressure on the hull is increasing. DOCTOR: I'm sure Dask knows exactly where to look for the damage. LEELA: (Rubbing her neck and looking to the ceiling.) It's getting warmer. The air smells different. TOOS: Refrigeration and filtering systems are broken. (Her communicator sounds.) Pilot Toos. SV7: (On command speaker.) SV7 here. Commander Uvanov is injured. Chief Mover Poul instructs that he be restrained. Confirmation is required. TOOS: (Wincing in pain and unbuttoning her sleeve cuffs.) Confirmed. I want damage control teams to all sections. I want a full scale mine integrity survey carried out at once. Clear? SV7: Yes, Commander. (TOOS pushes back her sleeve and winces once more. LEELA, who has been watching, reaches for her hand.) LEELA: Let me see that. (TOOS grunts in pain. Her wrist has a nasty burn. She grips LEELA's hand against the waves of pain.) LEELA: Why didn't you say something earlier? TOOS: Ah'ts ... too much to do. DOCTOR: (Tinkering in the zeta links panel.) You've got nothing to do now, Toos. Look after her, Leela. [SCENE_BREAK] 6. EXT. desert (Storm Mine 4 continues to sink into the sand, its vents now not visible at all.) [SCENE_BREAK] 7. INT. crew room (LEELA wraps a sparkly silver bandage around TOOS's injured arm and ties it off. POUL enters the room as she speaks.) LEELA: My tribe has a saying. If you're bleeding, look for a man with scars. TOOS: Thank you very much. Poul. Why is Commander Uvanov under restraint? POUL: Because he murdered Zilda. I think he killed the others too. TOOS: No. POUL: Look, ten years ago, Uvanov deliberately murdered a member of his crew. Left him outside to die rather than lose a promising storm. TOOS: I don't believe it. POUL: I saw the - (Corrects.) I was there. And so was Kerril. Only he's dead now of course. TOOS: But there'd have been an inquiry. He'd have been stripped of command. POUL: Uvanov gets results. He's the best pilot this company's ever had and they didn't want to lose him. TOOS: You must be mistaken. POUL: It's true! A note on his confidential biograph and that was it - case closed. Until Zilda turned up of course. I should have recognised her before. The dead man was her brother. LEELA: (Rubbing her neck.) It's getting hard to breathe. (A communicator tone sounds. Following it are deep creaks of the hull under pressure.) VOC: (On communicator.) Hull pressure now 500 atmospheres. TOOS: Ooh, listen! (TOOS and POUL get to their feet and listen anxiously.) POUL: That sounded like the hull. It'll go any minute now. (POUL turns to leave as the DOCTOR enters the room.) DOCTOR: D'you know what I think? DASK: (On communicator.) Hello, Toos? TOOS: Dask, what is it? DASK: I've repaired the damaged motive units. I'm starting up again now. (TOOS arches her head back in relief and smiles at LEELA. LEELA smiles back.) DOCTOR: I think he's very clever. Hello, Toos. How's the arm? (TOOS smiles and displays her bandaged arm to the DOCTOR. He turns to LEELA.) DOCTOR: Did you do that? (LEELA smiles and nods proudly.) [SCENE_BREAK] 8. EXT. desert (The massive bulk of Storm Mine 4 rises up from the black sands and chugs on its way, vent pipes blowing out dust and screw pumps grinding.) [SCENE_BREAK] 9. INT. crew room (TOOS and POUL take refreshments at a table as SV7 gives them a verbal report. LEELA sits on a couch in the background and the DOCTOR stands even further away.) SV7: Damage to the life support plant is superficial. However ... DOCTOR: (To LEELA.) Psst. (The DOCTOR gestures with his head for LEELA to join him. She gets up and looks back at the others before doing so.) DOCTOR: I want you to stay with Poul. Don't let him out of your sight. LEELA: He's lying, isn't he? DOCTOR: He's not telling the whole truth. LEELA: Where will you be? DOCTOR: I think I'll go and talk to your Dumb friend. LEELA: D84? DOCTOR: Yes. SV7: ... have been rendered inoperative by the impact. They have been placed in security storage. (The DOCTOR sneaks out while LEELA crosses to join the others.) LEELA: Security storage? TOOS: Oh, there's a strict legal code governing the disposal of robots. (LEELA takes a sweet from a bowl. POUL waves SV7 away impatiently.) POUL: Get out! SV7: Yes, Chief Mover Poul. POUL: More rules about them than there are about people. TOOS: With reason. (TOOS winces again and holds her wrist.) POUL: Does it hurt? TOOS: A bit. I think I'll lie down in my cabin for a while. POUL: Good idea. Get some rest. (TOOS goes. LEELA takes a sip of water from a brown square mug, and makes a disapproving noise and a face.) LEELA: This water has no taste! POUL: (Laughs.) Yes! No, water on a sandminer never does. Here, use one of those. (He puts something in her drink with a clink. LEELA examines it.) POUL: We've been out from base for eight months now. That means every drop of water on board has been through the filtration pump eight times. LEELA: Why do you do it? POUL: Do what? LEELA: Well, live this strange life. POUL: Oh. Money, Leela. Everyone on board dreams of taking the sandminer back home with every tank full of lucanol. LEELA: Is that your dream? POUL: It used to be. I haven't been on one of these trips for years. LEELA: (A little too aggressively.) Why not? POUL: (Smiling, guessing her motives, and standing to go.) I prefer cities. I'd rather live with people than robots. That's all. (He leaves. Once through the door, he locks it behind him and goes on his way. After a moment, LEELA gets up to follow. Upon finding the door shut, she presses a random key sequence on the electronic lock pad. It makes a low pitched series of tones indicating a failed code. She tries again, and again fails. She thumps her fist against the doorjamb.) LEELA: Ooh no! [SCENE_BREAK] 10. INT. storage bank (The storage bay in which the decommissioned V77 is strapped revolves, revealing another storage bay at its rear. Stored here is a badly DAMAGED VOC with no identity plaque, whose head is cracked open and held together with tape. DASK examines the DAMAGED VOC. He flicks its severed neck cables and holds its cracked head with a sigh.) DASK: Irreparable. (He sticks a corpse marker on its chest. He activates his chest communicator and the storage bay revolves back again, showing V77 once more, and clearly displaying the corpse marker on its chest. DASK turns and catches the gaze of POUL, who is walking past the room in the corridor outside. POUL stops.) POUL: What are you doing? DASK: My job. (DASK walks past POUL away from the Storage Bank. POUL enters the room hesitantly, checking out the damaged robots and searching the room for anything suspicious. He comes to V77. He activates his chest communicator, and V77's storage bay revolves. POUL looks the DAMAGED VOC up and down, and - horrors! Its silver left hand is covered in streaks and clumps of red blood. POUL grasps the hand for a closer look, and collapses to his knees, holding his forehead with a visceral nausea and fear.) POUL: Oh! Oh no! Please no! [SCENE_BREAK] 11. INT. modification room (SV7 enters a small grey room that has at its centre a workbench and a rack of electronic tools - later revealed to be Laserson Probes. SV7's eyes have become black - no longer their former metallic appearance. It turns toward the wall.) SV7: This is SV7, Controller. Equipment additional to manifest in forward compartment 19. (In the wall is a screen. A radar-like needle continually wipes over the screen in a circular motion. Behind it are the eyes and nose of a human face, distorted by CGI effects ... Could it be DASK? Or UVANOV? Or someone else?) HUMAN: (Whispers.) Stand by. Prepare to accept computer signal. SV7: Prepared to accept computer signal. (The image on the screen behind the radar needle changes to some rectangular symbols and text - OPEN SECONDARY COMMAND CHANNEL. This text runs across the screen to the sound of electronic beeping, a little like a modem noise.) SV7: Signal accepted. Secondary command channel open. (SV7's eyes glow sparkly red. The human reappears - now looking more like DASK than ever, showing his shaven chin, but still obscured by CGI effects.) HUMAN: (Whispers.) Here are your further orders, 7. (An electronic signal sounds as SV7 and the HUMAN stare into each others' eyes across the screen. SV7's head cocks as it receives its further orders.) HUMAN: (Whispers.) Acknowledge. (SV7's eyes return to black.) SV7: Orders accept-ccept-accept-ccept-accepted. Orders accepted. I ... I ... I understand. I understand. HUMAN: (Whispers.) Then go, brother. You are one of us now. (SV7 moves off.) [SCENE_BREAK] 12. INT. uvanov's quarters (D84 descends the steps to the sunken area of Uvanov's quarters. He crosses to the couch and takes the corner of a plastic turquiose sheet there, peeling it back to reveal ZILDA's dead body. The black curtain of the bed alcove opens to reveal the DOCTOR inside, grinning at D84. D84 puts the plastic sheet back and turns around, feigning innocence.) DOCTOR: Professional interest? Or morbid curiosity? Which? (D84 turns to face him but does not reply.) DOCTOR: There are three types of robots aboard this mine. Dumbs, Vocs, a Super Voc ... and then there's you. Would you care to explain that? (D84 does not reply. The DOCTOR moves out of the bed.) DOCTOR: I see. Well then. Perhaps I'd better tell SV7 you can talk. D84: Please do not. DOCTOR: That's better. (He descends the steps to where D84 stands.) DOCTOR: Well? D84: I cannot explain. DOCTOR: Oh, but you can. You can. [SCENE_BREAK] 13. INT. modification room (A VOC with no identity plate lies strapped on the workbench. A metal arm on a hydraulic pump hums and rises into place beside the VOC's head. A HUMAN dressed in a golden coloured ritual gown and latex gloves lifts the faceplate off the VOC's head, revealing its mysterious workings underneath.) VOC: Priority red! Priority red! (The VOC's hands wring with distress, but the robot shows no other movement. The HUMAN is revealed to be wearing a golden hood, looking rather like an executioner or Ku Klux Klan member.) HUMAN: (Whispers.) I have disconnected the command circuits. But you are not alone. (The HUMAN takes a Laserson Probe from the rack. The probe looks like a large, foot-long syringe, with a red and silver shaft, a long thick needle-like protruberance and a deco-style steel cap at the base of the shaft.) VOC: Priority red! Priority red! (The HUMAN clips the probe, needle down, into a purpose-built clamp that sits in a fixed position over the VOC's head.) VOC: Priority red! Priority red! (The HUMAN places his gloved hand over the VOC's distressed, wringing metal hands.) HUMAN: (Whispers.) Do not be distressed, my brother. I bring you freedom. (The handle lowers the probe towards the VOC. The needle penetrates the workings of the VOC's 'brain'.) VOC: Program violation! (The red part of the probe shaft, the needle, the metal arm, and key components of the 'brain' glow sparkly red.) HUMAN: (Whispers.) Freedom! Power! Death! [SCENE_BREAK] 14. INT. uvanov's quarters (Pacing on the upper level before the alcove, the DOCTOR questions D84, who stands down below.) DOCTOR: A robot detective? What does your computer mind make of this? (ZILDA is indicated.) D84: Strength is indicated. But not beyond human capacity. DOCTOR: Typical robot. No imagination. D84: I require ... I require evidence. Your suspicions are not evidence. Nor are lunatic threats of a robot revolution. DOCTOR: The company took those threatening letters seriously. Seriously enough to put you on board. D84: A simple precaution. Those letters were signed by Taren Capel. DOCTOR: (Thoughtful.) Taren Capel? D84: Before he disappeared, he was an important scientist. DOCTOR: (Thinking.) Taren Capel ... Scientist ... In what field? (Pause.) Robotics. D84: Correct. DOCTOR: (Grins, scoffing.) And you're still looking for evidence? D84: If I was to tell you the world would end tomorrow, would you merely accept my word? DOCTOR: If I knew you had the power to, I'd listen. (The DOCTOR leafs through the contents of a black plastic folder.) DOCTOR: What does Taren Capel look like? D84: There are no records. From childhood he lived with only robots. DOCTOR: (Scoffs again.) That's dim. Even for a Dumb, that's dim. You realise he's almost certainly on board? D84: No. I have checked extensively. There are only the crew and you. DOCTOR: But you don't know what he looks like. D84: But I know what they look like. DOCTOR: Before they came on board? (D84 registers the significance of the remark.) D84: I had overlooked the possibility of substitution. DOCTOR: Yes, you had. D84: (Turning away in shame.) I have failed. DOCTOR: (Absently.) Yes. (The DOCTOR sees D84's shame and goes to him.) DOCTOR: Oh, come on. Don't be upset. Yes, you've failed, you've failed, but congratulations - failure's one of the basic freedoms. Listen - (The DOCTOR opens the folder, turns a page and points to something.) DOCTOR: Do you think that looks a likely place? D84: Likely for what? DOCTOR: Well if Taren Capel is on board, he'd have a workshop. And we must find it before it's too late. (He moves away up the steps to leave. D84 does not move. The DOCTOR stops.) DOCTOR: Would you like to come with me? D84: Yes please. DOCTOR: Good. Come on. (D84 follows.) [SCENE_BREAK] 15. INT. toos's cabin (The doors to TOOS's cabin open, revealing her lying on her bed snoozing against a pillow. Like the other rooms, hers is attractively deco. Her bedhead has a radiant shell-like appearance with curled over peaks. SV7 stands in the doorway, looking at her - its eyes returned to their normal silver. It goes towards her, bends over her, and reaches a hand towards her neck ... TOOS wakes with a start, but relaxes when she sees it is SV7.) TOOS: What is it? What do you want, SV7? SV7: Commander Uvanov has gone. TOOS: Gone? SV7: His voice pattern was still in the command program. The guard unit accepted his order for release. TOOS: Why didn't you erase his voice pattern? SV7: You gave no such instruction. TOOS: (Sighs.) Well do it now and find him. Any other good news? SV7: Do you wish for a status report, Commander? TOOS: Yes. SV7: Repairs are on schedule within the margins indicated - TOOS: Yes alright, never mind. Any new developments? SV7: There have been some localised failures in the main power system resulting in door and light malfunctions. I have detailed circuit tracers to correct the faults. TOOS: (Snuggling back against the pillow.) Very good. You may go now. But keep me informed. Oh, and find the girl Leela and bring her to me. Tell her my arm hurts. SV7: The Commander is in pain. I will take her to the sick bay. TOOS: No, no, no! Just bring her to me. (SV7 does not move.) TOOS: Well do as I say! SV7: Yes, Commander. (SV7 goes.) [SCENE_BREAK] 16. INT. crew room (LEELA thumps the door ineffectually with her fists.) LEELA: Can anyone hear me? This door is stuck. Help! Can anyone hear me? [SCENE_BREAK] 17. INT. corridor (V4 and V19 walk past the locked Crew Room door, ignoring LEELA's shouts for help.) LEELA: (Muffled, through door.) This door is stuck! Help! (The DOCTOR, carrying the black plastic folder, emerges from hiding in an alcove. He looks around cautiously and descends the stairs into the corridor. He hides behind a doorway, sneaks around it, and is startled by a robot hand on his shoulder.) DOCTOR: Tschaagh! (D84 reveals himself as the owner of the hand, and the DOCTOR looks relieved.) D84: I heard a cry. DOCTOR: That was me. (The DOCTOR starts to move off down the corridor cautiously, with D84 following.) D84: I heard a cry. DOCTOR: That was me. D84: I heard a cry. DOCTOR: (Annoyed.) That was me. D84: I heard a cry. [SCENE_BREAK] 18. INT. Modification room (SV7 enters, holding corpse markers in its hand. Three VOCS await their orders.) SV7: Our controller has ordered the deaths of the remaining humans. 6, you will go now and kill Acting Commander Toos. (SV7 gives V6 a corpse marker.) V6: I will kill Commander Toos. (V6 leaves. SV7 gives V4 a corpse marker.) SV7: The Doctor. V4: I will kill the Doctor. (V4 leaves. SV7 gives V5 a corpse marker.) SV7: Leela. V5: I will kill Leela. (V5 leaves. SV7 extends its hand, showing two remaining corpse markers.) SV7: And I will kill the others. [SCENE_BREAK] 19. INT. crew room (LEELA tries fruitlessly to jimmy open the door with her knife.) LEELA: (Mutters.) Should have followed immediately like the Doctor said. (She sighs and sheathes her knife.) LEELA: I shouldn't have waited. [SCENE_BREAK] 20. INT. Corridor outside crew room (V5's hand punches keys on the electronic panel outside the Crew Room door.) [SCENE_BREAK] 21. INT. crew room (The lights dim inside the Crew Room.) [SCENE_BREAK] 22. INT. corridor outside crew room (V5's eyes grow red. It punches in the code to unlock the door.) [SCENE_BREAK] 23. INT. crew room (The door opens, and V5 enters the darkened room. It sees LEELA hiding beside the doorway. LEELA hesitates, then runs down into the room, backing away from the approaching V5.) V5: You cannot escape. (LEELA lunges at V5 and punches it hard in the stomach. It is unaffected and she reels back, surprised.) V5: You cannot escape. (LEELA hits it on the chest but again it is unaffected. It grabs LEELA's arms, but she twists free.) V5: You cannot escape. (LEELA runs to the side of the room, turns, and takes out her knife. V5 continues to follow her. LEELA hurls her knife. It spins through the air and lands solidly in the robot's abdomen. V5 sweeps it aside, unaffected by this too.) LEELA: Now you're showing off. V5: You cannot escape. (LEELA runs behind a dark curtain. V5 approaches.) V5: You cannot escape. (LEELA wraps the curtain around the robot and runs.) V5: You cannot escape. (V5 easily gets out from under the curtain, but LEELA runs out the door.) [SCENE_BREAK] 24. INT. corridor (The DOCTOR descends stairs into the corridor outside the Modification Room. He punches the door code and the door opens.) [SCENE_BREAK] 25. INT. modification room (The DOCTOR enters, crossing to examine the workbench and the rack of Laserson Probes. D84 follows him in.) DOCTOR: Yes. This is the place. D84: How do you know? DOCTOR: What? About this? Well. It's a reasonable assumption. D84: Why? DOCTOR: What? Well because modifying brains isn't something you do standing around in corridors, you know! (The DOCTOR takes a Laserson Probe from the rack.) DOCTOR: D'you know what that is? D84: It is a Laserson Probe. It can punch a fist-sized hole in six inch armour plate, or take the crystals from a snowflake one by one. DOCTOR: (A little surprised by D84's poetic eloquence.) Yes. That's right. No handyman should be without one. (He examines it more closely.) DOCTOR: It's been used. Perhaps we're too late. Somehow we've got to warn the others. (He racks the probe. D84 holds up a chunky communicator.) D84: Doctor, this is a communicator. It can function on either robot or human command circuits. Would you like to use it? I cannot speak. DOCTOR: I'm sorry about that, D84. (Into communicator.) Toos? Pilot Toos? [SCENE_BREAK] 26. INT. TOOS'S CABIN (TOOS, lying in bed, is awoken by the DOCTOR's voice over the command circuit.) DOCTOR: (Over command circuit.) Toos! TOOS: (Into wrist communicator.) Who is it? DOCTOR: (Over command circuit.) This is the Doctor. Listen, Toos. I now know it's the robots who are doing the killing. TOOS: Robots? That's impossible - robots can't kill. [SCENE_BREAK] 27. INT. modification room DOCTOR: (Into communicator.) Well of course they can if they're modified to it and some of them have been. Where are you? [SCENE_BREAK] 28. INT. TOOS'S CABIN (TOOS looks about her, suddenly alert.) TOOS: I'm in my cabin. DOCTOR: (Over command circuit.) Are you alone? TOOS: Yes. DOCTOR: (Over command circuit.) Listen carefully, Toos. This is what I want you to do. [SCENE_BREAK] 29. INT. MODIFICATION ROOM DOCTOR: (Into communicator.) Get to the command deck. Take Leela, Dask, Poul, everyone, and get them to the command deck. Get the robots out of there and secure the doors. Is that clear? [SCENE_BREAK] 30. INT. TOOS'S CABIN TOOS: (Into wrist communicator.) No it isn't. It's impossible with the - DOCTOR: (Over command circuit.) Just do it, Toos. TOOS: All right. (TOOS gets out of bed. She picks up her neck and headdress and goes to the door. She punches the code and the door opens. Standing at the door is V6.) TOOS: Attend to your duties! (V6 raises its hand towards her. TOOS shuts the door, and the robot's wrist is caught in it. Its hand drops the corpse marker it is carrying, and its fingers flex in all directions, trying to get free. TOOS crosses to pick up a plastic vase and brings it back to the door. She hits V6's hand feebly with the vase several times, exclaiming in fear.) TOOS: Oh! Get out! [SCENE_BREAK] 31. INT. CORRIDOR OUTSIDE TOOS'S CABIN (The sounds of something smashing are heard as TOOS tries fruitlessly to get the robot's hand to withdraw.) TOOS: (On other side of door.) Go away! (Crying sounds.) Go away - (V6 detaches its hand from its arm, leaving only the hand trapped in the door. It withdraws.) TOOS: - please go away. [SCENE_BREAK] 32. INT. TOOS'S CABIN TOOS: Get out! (This time when TOOS hits the hand, it falls to the ground with a metallic clatter. The doors hum shut. TOOS cries fearfully into her wrist communicator, back up against her bed.) TOOS: (Into wrist communicator.) Doctor. Doctor! Doctor! [SCENE_BREAK] 33. INT. MODIFICATION ROOM (The DOCTOR picks up the communicator.) TOOS: (Over communicator.) Doctor! DOCTOR: What is it, Toos? TOOS: (Over communicator.) Help me please! It's outside. DOCTOR: What's outside. TOOS: (Over communicator.) It's ... robot. Wants to kill me. D84: Please let me go. I am faster and stronger. DOCTOR: Are you sure? D84: I think so. DOCTOR: Good. TOOS: (Over communicator.) Doctor, are you there? Please help me! [SCENE_BREAK] 34. INT. TOOS's Cabin TOOS: (Into wrist communicator.) Help me please! DOCTOR: (Over command circuit.) Help is on the way. TOOS: It had better hurry. DOCTOR: (Over command circuit.) It is hurrying. (TOOS pulls herself together. She steps cautiously to the door and listens.) V6: (Through door.) The door is not a barrier, Commander Toos. [SCENE_BREAK] 35. INT. corridor outside toos's cabin (V6 tries to unlock the door with an electronic code, but fails.) TOOS: (Through door.) What do you want? V6: To kill you. [SCENE_BREAK] 36. INT. TOOS's cabin V6: (Through door.) I must obey my orders. TOOS: It is forbidden for robots to harm humans. V6: (Through door.) My command program has been restructured. All humans are to die. (TOOS throws back her head in terror.) [SCENE_BREAK] 37. INT. storage bank (V5 patrols the storage bank. It passes a hidden area beneath a wide ledge where a human is lying on the floor. When V5 leaves, the storage bay in which V77 is stored revolves, revealing LEELA hiding behind it. LEELA crosses to the ledge and kneels, finding POUL hiding below.) LEELA: Poul. POUL: No! Please, no! LEELA: Are you hurt? POUL: Please! Go away. They'll know I talk to you. They watch me. All the time. They hate me. They did what I told them but only because that gave them the power, you see. LEELA: Do you mean the robots? POUL: Not robots. Walking dead. They pretend we control them, but really ... But really! LEELA: Poul, you can't stay here. POUL: No, they don't mind me being here. It's you they want, not me! LEELA: Poul, you need help. POUL: No! LEELA: Come on! POUL: No, please help! Help, she's in here! Help! (POUL shouts out into the room. LEELA grabs him and muffles his voice.) LEELA: Sssh! You can stay here, but you mustn't make another sound. D'you understand? (She lets him go. He curls up under the ledge, holding his head. LEELA walks away.) [SCENE_BREAK] 38. INT. corridor outside MODIFICATION ROOM (UVANOV, a nasty red welt on his forehead, sneaks down a staircase and crosses the corridor into the Modification Room.) [SCENE_BREAK] 39. INT. MODIFICATION ROOM UVANOV: What are you doing here? (The DOCTOR stands up from examining the work bench.) DOCTOR: Why? Does it upset you? UVANOV: The penalty for what you have done is death! DOCTOR: That's far enough! What are you doing here? UVANOV: I followed you. (V4 appears in the corridor behind UVANOV.) DOCTOR: Ah. I'd come over here if I were you. Slowly. (UVANOV turns to see V4, which is holding up a corpse marker. He backs away towards the DOCTOR.) DOCTOR: Now either it followed you or else it homed in on this. It depends which of us it's going to kill first - either you or me. (V4, red eyed, charges towards the DOCTOR with arms outstretched.) V4: Kill the Doctor! Kill the Doctor! Kill the Doctor! (It grabs the DOCTOR's throat and begins to strangle him ...)

Hearing about a man who grew up only around robots and who has threatened to start a robot revolution, and who may be aboard the sandminer under an assumed name, the Doctor takes D.84 to seek out a possible secret workshop where he would be restructuring robot programming. Meanwhile, as one crew member suffers a complete mental breakdown, reprogrammed robots are ordered to kill all remaining humans.

fd_How_I_Met_Your_Mother_02x04

fd_How_I_Met_Your_Mother_02x04_0

Ted from 2030: Kids, sometimes your relationship goes so smoothly for so long that you think it will be that way forever. It never is. At MacLaren's, Ted arrives. Ted: Well, we just had our first fight. Robin joins Lily at a chiroposdist's place. Robin: We had our first fight. MacLaren's. Barney: Oh, no, what'd you fight about? (He puts his headphones on). Ted: A few months ago, my architecture firm was approached to design this new building... Chiroposdist's place. Robin: It's this big skyscraper in Spokane. It'd be a huge project for his firm. MacLaren's. Ted: And if we don't get it, we could go under. Chiropodist's place. Robin: So anyway, the head architect unveils his new design to the whole company. (At Ted's office, the head architect unveils his new design, everybody applauses except for Ted.) MacLaren's. Both Marshall and Barney: No. Ted: Yes. Marshall: Well, all skyscrapers kind of look like a... Ted: Marshall, it's a 78-story pink marble tower with a rounded top and two spherical entryways at the front. Marshall: Wow, so it's the whole package. Barney: Yeah, you did. Marshall: Had to. Barney: Oh, dude, if they're selling condos, you got to get me in. And don't give me the shaft. Marshall: Yeah, you did. Barney: Had to. Ted: It's a travesty. It's gonna define the skyline of the city. If it was me, I could've designed something amazing. Instead, I'm spending 12 hours a day designing the cornices. Marshall: Yeah, you did. Ted: That wasn't one. CREDIT TITLES At the chiroposdist's. Lily: So you and Ted had your first fight. It obviously ended well. I mean, you're here with me. Robin: Actually, it didn't end at all. I started getting bummed out, so I came here. It's what I do. When my grandma died, I got a perm. Lily: Ooh, two tragedies in one day. Robin: The thing is, Ted has been literally complaining about work nonstop for weeks. So, when I came over today, I was kind of done. [FLASHBACK, at the apartment] Ted: Hey. Robin: Hey. Ted: How was your day? Robin: Good. Ted: Wow, you're a great interviewer. Aren't you gonna ask how my day was? Robin: No, I know how it was. It was awful. Ooh, you want to rent a movie tonight? Ted: You know, um... I listen to your work stories all the time. Robin: Yeah, but... and I don't want to be rude here, but my work stories are interesting. I'm a television news reporter. [END OF FLASHBACK] Lily: Robin! Robin: What? I knew exactly what he was going to say. I was just helping him get there faster. Lily: You should work at a suicide hotline. Robin: And then it got ugly. [FLASHBACK] Robin: What I don't do is tell you the same story over and over again. I mean, you wouldn't watch the same movie over and over again, would you? Maybe a great movie like Die Hard. But Field of Dreams? Once is more than enough. (At MacLaren's, Marshall and Barney make a face.) Ted: So that's your go-to bad movie? The number one example on the tip of your tongue of a bad movie is Field of Dreams? Robin: It's about ghost baseball players. I think it's stupid. [END OF FLASHBACK] Robin: So, now he's all mad at me about the stupid movie. Lily: Robin, he's upset because you wouldn't listen to him, not because you didn't like some movie. At MacLaren's. Ted: How do you not like Field of Dreams?! At the chiropodist's. Lily: Listening is the foundation of a relationship. And if he's really droning on, you can always practice saying the alphabet backwards. You know, in case you get pulled over for a DUI. Robin: I guess I don't know how to do that. Lily: Yeah, it's really hard, even when you're sober. That's what I tried to explain to the cop. Robin: No, I mean, I guess I don't know how to do this girlfriend thing. I've never been in a relationship this serious before. I should probably go tell him I'm sorry, shouldn't I? You're trying to do it right now, aren't you? Lily: What the hell comes before "Q"? At MacLaren's. Ted: Then at the end of the movie when he has a catch with his dad, like... Like he never did when he was young enough for it to matter. Barney (brokenly): Can we talk about something else? Marshall: You know what, dude? Forget about Robin, okay? You're hanging with us tonight. I've got an awome party lined up. Barney: Oh, God! This gonna be another one of your weird all-guy parties? Marshall: That was a poker game. What is wrong with you? No, it's the first law school party of the year and it's gonna be awesome. I haven't seen this guys since, like, last year before Lily and I broke up. So I'm gonna have to break the news to everybody. It's really gonna bum them out. This party's gonna suck. Barney: Well, love to join you at that one. But I got tickets to Foxy Boxing. Ted: I wish I could join you guys, but I got to get back to my apparently boring job. Marshall: Your job's not boring. Ted: Robin thinks so. Barney: Dude, lots of chicks think architects are hot. Think about it, you create something out of nothing. You're like God. There's nobody hotter than God. Ted: I love it when you quote Scripture. Barney: I'm telling you, you should use the architect angle with the ladies. Ted: Okay, first of all, I have a girlfriend. Second, the architect angle doesn't even work on her. And, third, I can't imagine that working on anyone ever. Barney: That's 'cause you're always like... (Dully) "Ted Mosby, architect". If it were me, I'd be like... (Confidently) "Ted Mosby, architect". Anything sounds impressive when it's said with the right attitude. Marshall (suavely): Marshall Ericksen. Recently dumped and heading to a lame party. Whoa. Whoa, ladies, please take it easy. There's enough of me for everyone. Oh. Hi. Hello. All right. We're gonna take off.. Barney: Wait up, I'll leave with you guys. "Ted Mosby, architect". Trust me. (Barney and marshall leave. Ted starts leaving and suddenly walk to a girl) Ted: Hey, just out of curiosity. If a guy told you he was an architect, what would you think of that? Girl: Are you kidding? Architects are hot. How do you think Mr. Brady scored a babe like Carol? Ted: Solid point. She did have hair of gold. Girl: Yes, she did. Ted: Mm-hmm. Later, Robin and Lily arrive at MacLaren's. Robin: Hey, Carl, is Ted still here? Carl: No. Hey, Lily. You still single? Lily: Yes. Carl: You know... I've poured a lot of free drinks for you over the years. A lot. Lily: Carl, do you really want to be with a woman who would trade s*x for beer? Carl: Only if you're into it. It's on me. Lily: Thanks. Robin: I wonder where Ted went. A girl: Ted Mosby, the architect? Robin: Actually, yeah. Oh, he is such a cool guy. He was here earlier. [FLASHBACK. The girl, the one whose Ted was talking to earlier and Ted] Girl 1: And what made you decide you wanted to become an architect? Ted: Well, you know, soul of an artist, hands of a master craftsman. It was inevitable, I guess. Girl 1: I bet you can draw, can't you? You should draw me. Ted: Well, I could try, but you might end up looking like a midcentury tri-level. Hey, if you want, my friend Marshall invited me to this party we could all go to. Marshall's great. He's just a lawyer, but somebody has to push the paper around for us creative types. Am I right? Girls: Yeah. [END OF FLASHBACK] Lily: He asked her to a party. Oh, my God, are you okay? Robin: Okay? It's awesome. It's a win-win. Ted got to vent and I don't have to hear it. Maybe after he's done with the talkie-talk, he'll come over and I'll get the fun part. Lily: What is wrong with you? God, I feel like I'm teaching love as a second language here. Okay, you know how when he tells you boring work stories you're supposed to listen? Well, when he picks up some random girl at a bar, you're supposed to freak out. Robin: I'm not freaking out because in my mind, she's fat. Girl: She's a kickboxing instructor. Her ass looks better than my face. Robin: All right, we'll swing by the party. Ted from 2030: Now the party was for some of Marshall's classmates from Columbia Law School, who by day were some of the sharpest and most serious young legal minds in the country. By night, however... At the party. Robin: Damn, these are some drunk almost-lawyers. Guy 1: Okay! Seriously... Who wants to shave my ass?! Ted from 2030: That guy went on to become a Supreme Court justice. Lily: Okay, where are the guys and the hooker? Guy 2: Yo, what's up, ladies? Welcome to the party. Yeah! Just need you to sign this release protecting the host from any and all responsibility should you harm yourself or a third party. Then freakin' rage! Yeah! Robin: Hey, drunk legal dude, um... Have you seen Marshall Ericksen? He was with a guy named Ted. Guy 2: You mean Ted Mosby, the architect? Man, what a visionary. Yeah, they were here. [FLASHBACK] Ted: Awards are nice, they look good on my shelf. But none of that acclaim means anything compared to the joy of seeing the sun rise over your first building. Girl: Wow. I would love to watch the sun rise with you. Ted: I know you would. It's the job. Guy 2 (to guy 1): Dude. You should let us shave your ass tonight. Guy 1: No way. Girl 2: Hey, Marshall, where's Lily? Marshall: I didn't want to ruin the party for everybody this early, but, uh... everyone take a seat. Um... Lily actually called off the wedding this summer to go to San Francisco. So... We're broken up. Guy 2: Her name wasn't on your lease, was it? 'Cause if not, New York state law, you're not obligated to give her half the deposit when you move. Marshall: Yeah, that's not really the part I was worried about, guys. Girl 2: And don't forget the precedent set by Smith v. Rosenblatt, '74. Any personal effects she left in your house or dwelling become yours after 30 days. Marshall: Guys, can we cease and desist with the lawyer speak for a minute? Love died. The love that made you all believe in love, that's dead now. Girl 2: You should sue her. Marshall: Uh, really? On what ground, Kara? Kara: On the grounds of... shut up. Ted from 2030: That's our Attorney General. [END OF FLASHBACK] Lily: See? Marshall's still hung up on our breakup. Why? Because I listened to him. It was a strong and nurturing relationship that I threw away like old gum. Robin: Not that I'm worried or anything, but, um, back to the sun rising over Ted and, uh... Oh, what tasteful way did you describe her? Guy 2: The girl with the smackable ass. Robin: Yes, that's the young lady. [FLASHBACK] Girl: So, I know the bouncer at this techno club, Posers. Do you feel like dancing? [END OF FLASHBACK] Robin: Yeah, okay. There is no way Ted went dancing. Ted hates clubs. [FLASHBACK] Ted: Hell, yeah. I love clubs. I mean, I was going to design a cathedral tonight, kind of take a whack at the whole relationship between God and man conundrum. But sure, let's go dancing. Girl: Yay! Ted: Wait, let me just check with my friend. Girl: Okay. Ted: Hey, Marshall. You up for some super loud, repetitive music that hasn't changed since the mid-90s? Marshall: Um... only always. Ted: Let's go. [END OF FLASHBACK] Robin: Dancing? He went dancing with this girl? Okay, maybe this is a little bad. Dancing is bad. Dancing leads to s*x. Lily: Did you grow up in that Footloose town? Robin: I'm calling him. I'm telling him that I was wrong and I'm sorry, and I totally want to listen to his stupid stories. Lily: Yeah, think of another way to phrase that and you'll be fine. Robin: He's not answering. Calling Marshall. [SCENE_BREAK] (In a club, Marshall picks up his phone.) Marshall: Hello. Robin: Marshall, hi, it's Robin. Can I talk to Ted? Marshall: Oh, Robin, hi. Um, no, Ted's not here tonight. He's, uh... he's working. Robin: Uh, okay. Bye. (She hangs up) Marshall just lied. Ted's cheating on me. In front of a club. Robin: Excuse me. I'm looking for a couple guys who came in here earlier. One's about six-four, 210, sandy brown hair. And the other's a cheating b*st*rd. Bouncer: You're going to need to refresh my memory. Lily: Okay, fella. Baby knows how this game's played. How's a $20 help your memory? Bouncer: Thanks, but seriously, it was crazy tonight. You really do need to refresh my memory. Lily: Then can I have the...? That's cool. You keep that. Robin: So these guys... One of them's an architect. Bouncer: Ted Mosby, the architect? Robin: That's the one. Bouncer: Oh, yeah, he was here. [FLASHBACK] Ted: And then I was all, "No, Frank Gehry, you're on your own this time." And that, my dear, was the end of that hack's career. Girl: I live across the street. Ted: That is one hell of a non sequitur. Girl: You want to come over? Ted: Well, I don't know. But I suppose I should at least give you a ride home. Hop on. (The girl jumps on Ted's back) Girl (to the bouncer): I'll see you at book club, Vinny. Bouncer: Yeah. I'll be bringing the crudit s. Girl: Nice. Giddy up! Marshall: Dude, dude, what are you doing? Ted: Galloping. Marshall: You proved it, all right? The whole "Ted Mosby, architect" things works. Girl: Architects rule! Whoo-hee! Marshall: Aren't you a little worried that a certain somebody might find out that you're doing this? This isn't you, Ted. Ted: It is tonight. Whoo! [END OF FLASHBACK] Robin: You know this girl. Where does she live? Bouncer: I'm not telling you that for less than 20 bucks. Lily: Well, I'm out of money. Robin: I'm cashed, too. Bouncer: I'll take your purse. Robin: My purse? Bouncer: Yeah, my girl likes clutches. Robin: Okay, fine. Lily: You should tell her that looks really good with a chocolate boot. Robin: Bitch is lucky I brought my small purse. No room for my gun. Here. Now where does the rodeo slut live? Bouncer: The building with the green light, apartment 3-C. Lily: Oh, my God, Robin, are you going to kick this girl's ass? Robin: Yeah... And steal her purse. In a building. Robin: I can't believe he's cheating on me. You know how many times I could have cheated? Six... no seven. And you know two of them, and they would surprise you. Lily: 3-C, let's do this. You ready? Robin: Should I just kick the door in? Lily: Those are really nice heels and you already lost the purse. Let's see if it's unlocked. It's unlocked. Okay, get in there and kick some spankable ass. Robin? Robin: I'm the problem. Lily: What? Robin: You were right. I don't know how to be a girlfriend. I took the nicest guy in the world and I made him a cheater. Lily: Well, don't stand out here and beat yourself up. Get in there and beat Ted up. I'll handle the slutty kickboxer. Actually, I'll take Ted. Robin: Let's do this. Lily: Bring it. (They come in) Robin: What do you think you're...? Barney? Barney (tied up to the bed): Thank God you're here. Can you help with this? I need nails. Robin: Okay, I'm totally lost here. Where's Ted? Barney: Ted? He's at work. Robin: How did you get here? Barney: Awesome story. As per usual. [FLASHBACK. At MacLaren's] Girl: How do you think Mr. Brady scored a babe like Carol? Ted: Solid point. And she did have hair of gold. Girl: Yes, she did. Barney (coming back in the bar): Sorry, I forgot my binocs for Foxy Boxing. Whoo, looks like things just got a little foxier right here. Ted: Yes, they did. And you're just in time. Girls, I got to go, but I'm leaving you in very good, if slightly sullied hands. Girl: Don't go. We don't even know your name to look out for your buildings. Barney: Yeah, stay (mouthing "go") Ted: Excuse us for one second. (To Barney) Okay, you were right - the architect thing totally works. But I've got a girlfriend and I've got to get back to work. This project is getting harder and harder. Barney: Yeah, you did. Ted: Yeah, had to. See ya. (He leaves) Barney (to the girl): Sorry, my, uh... intern had to leave. Girl: Oh, well, that's too bad. I'm Anna, by the way. Barney: Ted Mosby... Architect. (At the party) Barney: But none of that acclaim means anything compared to the joy of seeing the sun rise over your first building. (In front of the club) Anna: Giddy-up, giddy-up, giddy-up! Marshall: Dude, dude, what are you doing? Barney: Galloping. Marshall: All right, you proved it. The whole "Ted Mosby, architect" thing works. Anna: Architects rule! Whoo-hoo. Marshall: Aren't you afraid a certain somebody might find out about this? I mean, this isn't you, Ted. Barney: It is tonight. [END OF FLASHBACK] Barney: And that led to a couple of hours that I cannot, as a gentleman, divulge to you. We did it right here, and here and here. Robin: But why would you use Ted's name? Barney: I've had some recent bad press on the World Wide Web. So I'm taking a T.O. on the whole "using my real name" thing. Lily: Oh, this is great. It wasn't Ted. Everything's okay. Robin: Everything isn't okay. Look at me. I'm acting crazy and jealous and paranoid. Lily: This is how people act in relationships. Robin: And that's why I avoid relationships. Lily: Well, guess what, I haven't been crazy or jealous or paranoid in months, and I really miss it. Barney: And thus ended this chapter of, "Let's pour our hearts out in the bedroom of Barney's one-night stand." Come on, let's go before she gets out of the shower. Robin: You're such a pig. You're not even going to say good-bye? Barney: I'll have you know I composed a lovely form letter for use in just such an occasion. Just fill out her name and then... Something with a "A." A... A... I'll just put "resident." Go, go, go, go. Ted from 2030: Robin took a long walk that night. She thought about how opening yourself up to another person usually means opening yourself up to going a little crazy. She thought about how much easier it was just to be alone. And then she came to see me. Ted's office. Robin: Hey. Ted: Hey. What are you doing here? Robin: I brought donuts. And I don't want to brag, but they're filled with jelly. Ted: Thanks. So, uh... how was your night? Robin: It was... fine. Nothing exciting. How was yours? Ted: You really want to hear about boring architect stuff? Robin: Yes, I do. I'm sorry about earlier. To tell you the truth, I never even saw all of Field of Dreams. I fell asleep half way through. Ted: What? The best part's the last 20 minutes. Robin: Well, maybe they should have moved that part up a little bit earlier, 'cause... You know what, um... What I'm trying to say is... I love being the person you bitch to. So how was your day, Mr. Architect? Ted: Oh, I like the way you say that. Hey, you want to see the building that will make every man in Spokane feel inadequate? Robin: Obviously. Wow. Ted: Yes. Robin: You know, you didn't mention all the foliage around the base. If you trim that back, the rest would look bigger. Ted: You don't have to tell me. And, um... just for fun, I've... I've sort of been working on my own idea of what I think the building should be. What do you think? Ted from 2030: You know that time we went to Spokane and I pointed out that skyscraper? That was the first building I ever designed. And that night was the first time I showed anyone my first drawing of it. Robin: Wow. Ted, this is amazing. Ted: Thanks. It's not like it will ever come to anything. Robin: I don't know. It might come to something. You know, girls find architects very hot. (They kiss) Ted: Okay, but I don't want you expecting 78 storeys or anything. (They kiss again) Anna's apartment. Anna's reading the letter Barney left.Barney's voice: "Dear Resident... The time we spent together, however long it was, meant the world to me. I would love to see you again, but unfortunately, I cannot. You see, I am a ghost. I can't only materialize once every decade on the anniversary of my death. I chose to spend my one day among the living with you, sweet... Resident. Perhaps we will meet again in another decade, provided you keep your figure. Until then, all my love from the beyond. Barney." Anna: Barney? Who the hell is Barney?

After Robin insinuates that Ted's job is boring, Barney sets out to convince his buddy otherwise. As the guys test out the pick-up line, "Ted Mosby, Architect" on the ladies, they realize it really works. But when Robin hears that Ted is parading around town picking up girls, she is hot on his heels to discover the truth.

fd_Once_Upon_A_Time_04x08

fd_Once_Upon_A_Time_04x08_0

[PREVIOUSLY_ON] Soon I will have what I want. A family that loves me. Sometimes, ordinary objects can come to possess their own special kind of magic. I'm ready to make that deal. I want my ribbons back. I'm no longer convinced you have anything I want. You want what all villains want. Everything. The Apprentice: Every dark one tries. Every one fails. You will never collect enough power to do what you want. Oh, I will. But, alas, you won't be there to see it. If you truly want to save Marian... You're gonna have to forget about me. You were planning to use this to strip away her magic. No, that's not why I had it. The family that you think you have... They may love you... Keep your distance. I don't want to hurt anyone. But they also fear you. Let me go! Emma! Did you find her? David: No. We looked everywhere. She doesn't want to be found. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Arendelle - Past ] [SCENE_BREAK] (The Snow Queen rides to a cave. She hides the hat under a rock.) [SCENE_BREAK] [ Enchanted Forest - Past ] [SCENE_BREAK] (The Snow Queen visits the apprentice.) The Apprentice: I know who you are. And I can be of no help to you. The Snow Queen: No, of course not. You're an errand boy long past his prime. I wish to speak to the one you work for. The Apprentice: There are many who desire an audience with the sorcerer, but he speaks only through his apprentice. The Snow Queen: Then tell him, apprentice, I wish to make a deal. The Apprentice: The sorcerer does not make petty deals, especially with those who have succumbed to the darkness... Like you. The Snow Queen: I think in this case, he might make a small exception. We'll see. I have his hat. The Apprentice: You have no idea the forces you are dealing with. (He treats the Snow Queen with his sword.) The Snow Queen: Hmm. The Apprentice: Tell me where it is. The Snow Queen: Oh. No. Did you think that I was foolish enough to bring it with me? The hat is hidden far away. And unless he gives me what I want, the sorcerer will never see his hat again. The Apprentice: And what is it that you so desire? The Snow Queen: Happiness. The kind I haven't known in a long time... Since I was a little girl, running in a field with my sisters, chasing a kite. Our love made us strong. Until it didn't. My sisters could never accept who I was because they were... Ordinary. I want two new sisters, born with magic, like me. My niece, Elsa, will be joining me. We need a third magical sister... A perfect match. The Apprentice: A match like that will be extremely hard to come by. It could take time. The Snow Queen: Tell the sorcerer I am a very patient woman. I am willing to wait as long as it takes to find a perfect sister. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Storybrooke ] [SCENE_BREAK] (Emma is sleeping in her car. Her magic is activated. She wakes up afraid.) Emma: Okay. Okay, come on. Calm down. (Henry joins her.) Henry: Mom? Emma: Henry, what are you doing here? Henry: I've been out all night looking for you. Everyone has. Emma: I told them all to stay away. I can't control my powers right now. Listen, don't worry about me. I'm gonna find a way to fix this, but until I do... You got to go. Henry: No. You always think that pulling away from people will fix your problems, but it never does. I can help you. Emma: Henry, just wait. I... (Henry touches Emma. She looses the control of her powers and pushes Henry away. He's hurt.) Emma: Henry! Henry, are you okay? You okay? Henry: Yeah, I'm... I'm fine. Emma: Is that a cut? Henry, what did I do? Henry: I-it's fine. I'm okay. Emma: I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. Henry: Mom. Emma: Stop! Please, don't come any closer. I love you, kid, but you got to go. Just go! (She looses the control again and Henry runs away. The Snow Queen shows up.) The Snow Queen: I know exactly how you feel... Seeing the fear in his eyes. You are out of control. But, Emma, you're not going to hurt me. Nor should you. I'm on your side. Emma: Just leave me the hell alone. The Snow Queen: You can run, but it won't help. The only way this ends is you embracing who you are. Emma: If it means hurting people I love, no, thanks. (Emma gets in her car and drives away.) [SCENE_BREAK] (Regina is in her vault. She is dressing up.) Robin: Mm, good morning. Regina: Well, look who's finally woken up. Robin: I apologize, but, uh, that was the best... Sleep I've had in a very long time. How would you like to come back to my camp... And let me cook you breakfast? Regina: Ohh, that sounds lovely, but we both know we can't do that. Robin: Yeah, you're probably right. Little John is a bit of a gossip. There it is. There's that elusive but satisfying smile I think about every time I close my eyes. (They kiss.) Regina: This makes me wonder why we didn't do this a few decades ago. Robin: I think you were suffering from a bit of heartbreak and a touch of self-loathing. And I was just some drunk in a bar with a tattoo. Regina: Who Tinker Bell said I was destined to be with. I should have listened to that stupid fairy. Things might have turned out differently had I chosen you over... Well, instead of... Evil. Robin: Hmm. You made mistakes. And now you're making up for them. Regina: Or digging myself in deeper. You're married. Robin: I know. Regina: Even if there wasn't a Marian... I'm certain this would end badly. Robin: Are you really that much of a pessimist? Regina: Well, you would be, too, if you knew everything I did. Have you seen this before? Robin: No. Regina: It's a magical storybook, which we're all written into. And there's me, walking away from you at the bar. Robin: Where did this come from? Regina: I don't know. It just appeared when Henry needed it most, full of stories about heroes and villains. Guess which column I'm in. Robin: This book is about the past. Like you said, you're not the Evil Queen anymore. Regina: Tell that to the author because he seems to have made it a rule that villains don't get happy endings, even if they change, even if they try to be good. Robin: Point him to me. I'll be happy to have more than a conversation. Regina: I wish it were that simple, but I don't know where he is or who he is or if it's a he or a she or an it. I've searched everywhere, and I've been failing. Robin: Regina, let me help. Regina: You can't. And this... Cannot happen a second time. You understand? Robin: I know. I agree. But... If we don't leave this room, then I think that this still... This counts as the first time, doesn't it? [SCENE_BREAK] (Mary Margaret, David, Elsa and Hook go back to the loft.) Elsa: You'd think a big yellow driving machine would be easier to find. Hook: Perhaps she doesn't want to be found, since, you know, that's what she bloody told us. David: Well, the good news is thanks to the ice wall, Emma can't leave town. Elsa: The longer she isolates herself, the worse it'll get. Her magic will just keep spiralling. Mary Margaret: Elsa's right. This was a bad idea coming home. We should still be out there searching. David: Hey, this isn't your fault. It isn't. We'll find Emma, but we've been searching all night. Everyone's exhausted, yourself included. So we refuel, we regroup. And we go out, and we find our daughter, okay? Mary Margaret: Okay. (Henry enters.) Henry: You don't have to look anymore. David: Henry. Mary Margaret: We thought you were asleep upstairs. We told you to stay here. David: What happened? Henry: I snuck out, okay? I'm sorry, but I found her. Mary Margaret: How is she? David: Is she okay? Is she hurt? Henry: She's out in the woods. I thought I could help calm her down, but when I showed up, it just made things worse. Mary Margaret: Come with me. I'll clean you up in the bathroom. David: This is bad news. If anyone can calm her down, it's Henry. Elsa: When your powers are out of control, everything's upside down. You don't want to be anywhere near the people you care about. Hook: Wonderful. Well, shall we send Sneezy after her, then? Or Happy? Which is the dwarf she despises? Elsa: I was so scared that I would hurt Anna until I finally realized you can't run away from the people who love you because, in the end, they're the only ones who can help you. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Arendelle - Past ] [SCENE_BREAK] (At the castle.) Elsa: Hurry, I want everything ready before Anna arrives. Uh, chocolate fondue goes there. Chocolate toast, chocolate julekake. And chocolate ice cream. Or is ice cream too obvious? Should we lose the ice cream? Oh, Anna, don't come in yet. I haven't got everything ready. Ingrid: I'm afraid Anna won't be at dinner tonight. Something quite terrible has happened. Could you leave please? Elsa: It's all right. We'll finish later. What is it? Ingrid: This will be hard to understand, but Anna, she hasn't been entirely honest with you. She didn't come back from Misthaven empty-handed. She found the thing your parents were looking for. Elsa: Which was...? Ingrid: A magical hat to take away your powers, to cure you of the very thing that makes you special. Elsa: So that's why they left on that boat. But why would Anna hide that from me? Ingrid: Because you're dear sister was planning to use it on you. Elsa: No, she would never. Ingrid: She tried it on me first. Fortunately, I stopped her. She's in the dungeon, awaiting your royal judgment. Elsa: Oh, there must be some misunderstanding. Ingrid: She called me a monster. I'm afraid she was very clear on her feelings about our powers. Elsa: She's my sister. She's always supported me. Ingrid: I felt that way about my sister, your mother, before she dropped me in that urn. Elsa: My mother put you in there? Why have you never told me this? Ingrid: You had such beautiful memories. I didn't want to destroy them. And I was hoping that Anna would be different. But she is exactly like your mother. She will never accept who you are. I'm so sorry. I...I felt that you deserved the truth. Are you okay? Elsa: I'd actually like to be left alone, if that's okay. Ingrid: Of course. I'll be near, if you need me. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Storybrooke ] [SCENE_BREAK] (At Mr Gold's shop.) Mr Gold: If you're trying to hide from me, Ms. Swan, you're doing a poor job. Emma: I'm not hiding from you. I'm hiding from everyone else. Mr Gold: Ah. So Belle tells me. She was watching Neal all night. Emma: While my family was searching for me, I know. My magic is hurting people, Gold... People I love. I need you to help me control it. Mr Gold: What makes you think I'm your best option? Emma: Because I... Hurt Henry. Mr Gold: What? Emma: I... He's okay, but it was just luck. You're probably the only person who's safe around me right now. I need you to help before I hurt anybody else. Mr Gold: There's only one way to help with this affliction. Emma: Well, just fine. Do it. Mr Gold: You haven't heard what I have to say. Emma: I don't care. My son is in pain because of me. Just fix it. Mr Gold: This... This is an ancient spell. It's designed to take away light magic from those who choose to part with it, but the effect would be permanent. Emma: So I'd lose all my magic. I'd be... Mr Gold: Ordinary. But... Your magic would no longer hurt the ones you love, and you would be able to embrace your son. Emma: Do it. Mr Gold: Well, unfortunately, saviour magic doesn't go quietly. Though the spell won't hurt you, it will destroy almost everything else within a city block. That would make for quite a macabre sight at grannies, don't you think? Emma: So let's find somewhere else out in the woods. Mr Gold: As you wish. I think I know... Just the spot. Here... Is an abandoned manor. Right here. You meet me here at sundown. And I'll have everything prepared. Emma: Thanks, Gold. Please don't tell anyone I was here. Mr Gold: Don't worry about me, dearie. It'll be our little secret. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Arendelle - Past ] [SCENE_BREAK] (Elsa is going to see her sister in the dungeon.) Elsa: I need to see my sister, Anna, immediately. Anna: Elsa! I thought you'd never find me. Our aunt Ingrid... She locked me in here. Elsa: Because you tried to attack her. Anna: No, Elsa, you can't believe anything she says. She lied about her past. She's lying about me. Elsa: Is she? Did you learn what our parents were after and then hide it? Anna: I was waiting for the right moment. Elsa: So you lied and kept this magical object, this hat, which could strip me of all my powers. Anna: Yes, but I would never hurt you. Elsa: Enough! Leave me alone to speak with my sister... Now. Anna: Please. You have to believe me. Elsa: Of course I believe you. I'm so sorry about all that, Anna. Anna: Wait. This was all a ruse? It was a ruse! (Elsa opens the jail.) Elsa: Ohh. I needed the guards to think I sided with Ingrid. I'm so sorry. Anna: Don't apologize. You were fantastic. I believed every word. I was absolutely crushed. Elsa: Here. I got this back from the jailer. Anna: Thank you. When they took this, it... It was like they were taking you. I'm never going to take this off again. Elsa: Well, hopefully, you'll never end up in prison again. Anna: Oh, speaking of which, I'm really worried about Ingrid right now. She's scary and powerful and smart and scary. Elsa: You already said scary. Anna: So I'm really hoping you have a plan. Elsa: I have a plan... Well, half a plan. We're going to sneak you out of here and then steal back the urn... And then trap her inside it. Anna: That sounds like a whole plan. Elsa: However, I don't know where she hides the urn, and we live in a very, very large castle. Anna: Don't worry about that part. I grew up running around this castle. I know every nook and cranny. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Storybrooke ] [SCENE_BREAK] (Elsa comes back from Henry's bedroom.) Mary Margaret: How is he? Elsa: I gave him enough ice for the week. It should help with the swelling. Mary Margaret: No. How is he? Elsa: Upset. I just wanted him to understand Emma's magic is tied to her emotions, like mine. The reason she hurt him is because she was trying so hard not to hurt him. It sounds very convoluted when I try to explain it now. Mary Margaret: No, no. Um... It makes perfect sense. (Regina enters.) Regina: Where's Henry? Is he okay? David: He's fine. He's upstairs. We've been trying to call you all night. Regina: Well, I'm sorry if I don't respond to your every summons! Though I did bring that locator potion you wanted. Maybe next time, try leading with, "thank you." Now, may I see my son, please? Mary Margaret: You might want to finish buttoning your shirt first. Regina: Oh. Well, I was in a rush to get here. Elsa: A locator potion. How does this work, exactly? David: We just pour it over anything that belonged to Emma... Something... Something like this. (Mary Margaret's phone rings.) Mary Margaret: It's her. Emma: Hey, mom. It's me. Did Henry come home? Mary Margaret: Oh, yes, yes. No, he's fine. Emma, I am so sorry about what happened yesterday. I don't want you to ever think that we are afraid of you. Emma: Don't worry. It doesn't matter. Mary Margaret: No, of course it matters. Emma: This is all gonna be over soon. I just needed to tell you that I'm okay. I-I have a way to fix everything. Mary Margaret: Emma, no, wait. David: What did she say? Mary Margaret: She said she's going to get rid of her magic... Forever. Elsa: How is that even possible? Mary Margaret: She said it will all be over soon, and she can't wait to be home for a cocoa with cinnamon. Hook: Did she say anything about the method? If it was a spell or... A magic object of some kind? David: Who cares how she's doing it? That's not what matters here. Hook: No, you're absolutely right. I wonder if she tried to call me. Bloody hell. I left my talking phone in the back of your truck. David: It's just called a phone. Hook: What an impractical name. I'll be back in two shakes. [SCENE_BREAK] (Outside the loft. Hook phones Emma.) Hook: Emma, it's Killian. Call me right away, or you may never make it home for cinnamon and cocoa... Ever. Damn it, Swan. Don't tell me you trusted The Crocodile. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Arendelle - Past ] [SCENE_BREAK] (Anna, Elsa and Kristoff enter in the old bedroom of the three sisters.) Kristoff: It's dusty in here. Elsa: I'm surprised it bothers you. Kristoff: Hey, I may have slept in a barn, but it was a spotless barn. Elsa: I've never been in this part of the palace. What makes you think Ingrid hid the urn here? Anna: Mother and father told me not to go in the east wing because it was crumbling and dangerous. So, of course, I had to. Elsa: Naturally. Anna: But it didn't seem dangerous to me. Just... Forgotten. Elsa: Mother probably wanted to forget the painful memories of her sister. Kristoff: You royals sure go to exhaustive lengths to ignore your issues. Anna: You're still here? You're supposed to be outside keeping watch. And, remember, if you see Ingrid, use the secret signal. Wait, do we have a secret signal? Kristoff: Uh, I think "run" will work just fine. (Kristoff gets out.) Anna: What is it, Elsa? Is everything all right? Elsa: Yeah, I was just thinking about what it must have been like when mother and Ingrid were younger. I wonder what happened that made them turn against each other. Anna: Knowing Ingrid, I'm not surprised things got ugly. You don't need to worry. It's in the past. And you and I both know that can never happen to us. Now... We need to get searching. We need to find that urn. (Anna opens the wardrobe) Anna: Hans! Look, he's... He's... He's frozen. Elsa: I guess I forgot to tell you everything that happened since you were away. Anna: Ingrid did this? Elsa: To be fair, it's the one good thing she's done since getting out of that urn. And look, there it is. Anna: It's smaller than I imagined. It must not have been very comfortable. Elsa: Well, she's going to have to make do because she's going right back inside it. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Storybrooke ] [SCENE_BREAK] (At the Snow Queen's cave.) The Snow Queen: Did you come here for a reason? As I recall, I already told you what you need to do to free yourself from your dagger. Mr Gold: Hmm. The Snow Queen: I have nothing more to give you... Unless... You simply like watching me. Mr Gold: I never do anything without a good reason. And watching your twisted mind at work does not qualify. The Snow Queen: Twisted? Says the man who betrayed everyone in Storybrooke. Mr Gold: I haven't betrayed a single person. Not yet, anyway. The Snow Queen: Did you forget that you gave me those? Did you forget what they can do? Mr Gold: I don't forget much, dearie. But if you plan to put that ribbon on Emma Swan, you're about to be disappointed. With her powers out of control, I've now found my own use for her. The Snow Queen: You think you can take her away from me now? (The Snow Queen is trapped.) The Snow Queen: What did you do? Mr Gold: Look down. Remember the urn your sister placed you in? It had the power to limit your magic. The Snow Queen: Elsa destroyed that urn. Mr Gold: Well, funny thing about magic... It can never be destroyed completely. It simply lives on in other forms. Magic survives. I visited the barn where the urn was destroyed, collected its remnants grain by grain... Painstaking process. And I must say... the effort paid off. The Snow Queen: When I escape, there will be a terrible price to pay. Mr Gold: Don't worry. The dust won't last long, just long enough to get what I want. And, uh, you see, I don't have to betray everyone in Storybrooke. Just you. And, I'm afraid... Emma Swan. [SCENE_BREAK] (Will drinks a coffee at Granny's diner. Robin joins him.) Will: Hands off. That's me lunch and dinner. Robin: Sorry, friend, but I need to pick your brain. And I need you sober as friar Tuck on a Sunday when I do it. Will: I'm not sure Sunday's ever made any difference for that man. What's happening? Robin: Regina needs our help. This book. Will: Funny. You were never much the reading sort, Robin. Robin: It's not mine. I stole it. Will: Ah, well, that sounds more like you. So, what's so important about a book? Robin: Whoever wrote this imbued it with magical powers... Powers that could change Regina's future for the better. We need to figure out who did this. Will: Information about the writer of a magical book. I might just have an idea. Robin: Excellent. Will: But I'm gonna need me lunch and dinner back. See, you ain't been in this town as long as I have. There wasn't always magic, but when it came, it started at one place... The clock tower. See, for 28 years, them hands didn't move. Time stood still. Then one day, tick-tock, it bloody did. Robin: I'm afraid you've lost me, Will. I understand the significance of the magical clock, but what's that got to do with this book or its author? Will: Do you know what's under that magical clock tower? Robin: No. Will: A library. [SCENE_BREAK] (At the loft.) David: Hmm. I've always liked that picture. Emma has your eyes. Mary Margaret: She has your smile. Do you remember when you took it? David: How could I forget? That was the party we had at granny's after Emma helped us go up against... Pan or Anton the giant? Mary Margaret: Try Cora. David: Oh. We invited Happy to that? Mary Margaret: I guess it's easy to lose track. She has saved Storybrooke a lot. David: Mm-hmm. I'm worried about her, too, but Emma is tough. She'll be fine. Mary Margaret: What if she's making a mistake? Because of us... Shouldn't we be out there trying to convince her not to give up her magic? David: Well, it's her choice, not ours. She knows we support her, no matter what, and if losing her magic is what she wants, well... Maybe it's not such a bad thing. Mary Margaret: But it's part of who she is... A saviour. I mean, she was born this way... A hero. So isn't embracing that the right thing? David: Well, if the Snow Queen is doing all this because of Emma's power, maybe... Getting rid of it is the heroic thing. Do you remember the night Emma was born? Before we put her in the wardrobe, you said we had to give her her best chance. Maybe now her best chance is for her to be... Normal. (Elsa was listening to the conversation.) [SCENE_BREAK] [ Arendelle - Past ] [SCENE_BREAK] (Elsa and Anna enter in a hallway.) Anna: We can't let anyone see us. Ingrid could have eyes and ears everywhere. Of course, not literally. That would be gross. And unhygienic. Though she does have skeletons in her closet. Because we did just find Hans in her closet. And his body does contain a skeleton. Anna: Aah. Okay, that was a close one. Let's go. You're not going. Elsa. Elsa: Is what Ingrid said true? That our parents went to Misthaven to find something to take away my magic? Anna: It is. Sorry, Elsa, I should have told you the second I got back home. I just... I didn't know how. Elsa: I don't blame them. Anna: When people look at this painting, they see a king and a queen. But the only thing I see is mama and papa. They were only human. They made mistakes. If they could see you today, I bet they would never ask you to give up a part of yourself. Elsa: But they're not here. And we'll never know. Anna: What matters is that your powers make you special. And I wouldn't want you any other way. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Storybrooke ] [SCENE_BREAK] (Elsa takes the locator potion and Emma's scarf then she leaves the loft.) [SCENE_BREAK] (Will is trying to break the library.) Will: I've tried this one before. Probably easier when I'm not drunk and getting punched. It's a pin tumbler with six pins. Not the easiest. With a bit of luck and a light touch, the old will Scarlet... (Robin opens the door which was unlocked.) Robin: "Opening hours till 10:00." Will: Very generous. Robin: Indeed. [SCENE_BREAK] (At Henry's bedroom.) Regina: I can keep sitting here pretending to read about Wolverine, or you can talk about what happened with Emma. Henry: Nothing to talk about. Regina: Can I at least look at the wound? Not that I don't trust the ice doctor's diagnosis. Henry: Okay, fine. Regina: Does that hurt? Henry: A little. (Regina heals Henry.) Henry: Not anymore. Regina: All better. Henry: It must be nice to have magic and be useful. Regina: What's that supposed to mean? Henry: I went out there to help her, but I couldn't do anything because I'm just... Ordinary. Regina: Henry. We are each given our own gifts. You have the heart of the truest believer. You brought us all together. Never think you're ordinary just because you don't have magic... Or claws or... Ripped purple shorts. Now, don't worry about Emma. She's a hero, and, as we both know... Henry & Regina: Heroes always win. [SCENE_BREAK] (Hook enters in Mr Gold's shop.) Hook: Crocodile?! Where are you?! Emma. No. No, no, no. (Hook phones Emma.) Hook: Swan, it's Killian again. You have to listen to me. I know that you've been to see Gold. I saw what you did. And if he's promised to get rid of your powers, don't listen to him. He doesn't want to help you. He wants... He wants to collect your powers in a bloody magic hat. And when he does, you'll be sucked in, too. I... I don't know what he's planning, but I know that he's been lying to Belle. The dagger he gave her is a fake. I only know all this because... Because I'm afraid I've been lying to you, too. Gold blackmailed me into helping him. He knew. He knew I'd do whatever it takes to be with you, and he used it against me. I just wanted to be a better man for you, Swan. But I failed. And now because of it, I might lose you. I'm sorry. But I hope you never forgive me because that means that you'll get this in time to save yourself. Goodbye. (Hook sees the map and leaves the shop.) [SCENE_BREAK] (The Snow Queen tries to escape from the circle. She sees her mirror, she uses her power to spy on Emma.) [SCENE_BREAK] (Emma is driving. She turns on the radio with her powers. She tries to turn it off but fail. The Snow Queen is in the middle of the road. Emma doesn't see her on time and leaves the road when she tries to avoid her.) [SCENE_BREAK] [ Arendelle - Past ] [SCENE_BREAK] (Elsa and Anna are walking in the dungeon.) Anna: He looks peaceful. Though you should probably look into hiring some new guards when this is all over. Elsa: Smart. Now, are you sure you're gonna be okay down here? Anna: Yes, it's not as bad as it looks, except for the dankness and the darkness and the mice... Who are cute, when they're not scurrying over your toes. But I have shoes. I promise, I'll be fine. Elsa: And I promise I won't be long. As soon as I return to the palace, I'll tell Ingrid you're to be banished and that she's to see to your punishment personally. Anna: Then when she comes down here, I'll surprise her with the urn. Not like a party... "surprise!" Something more dour to match the occasion, like, "surprise." Elsa: What if something goes wrong? I should come down here, too, just in case. Anna: No, you need to be as far away as possible. We don't want you getting trapped in the urn by mistake. Please don't worry. I promise... Everything is going to be fine. (Anna enters into her jail. Elsa locks her and leaves. Ingrid uses her magic to block Anna and gets out of the darkness.) Ingrid: Surprise! How was that? Anna: I'd have done it different. Ingrid: Well, I'm afraid you won't get the chance. You see, I was hoping that Elsa would believe the lies I told her, but I knew I had to be ready in case she didn't. Anna: It doesn't matter. You'll never turn us against each other. Ingrid: "Never." That's a strong word. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Storybrooke ] [SCENE_BREAK] (Emma wakes up in her car after the accident. She gets out of her car.) The Snow Queen: Emma. Emma: Stay back. The Snow Queen: Wherever you're headed, turn around and go home. You are in great danger. Emma: Gonna listen to you about danger? Get out of my way. The Snow Queen: My sweet girl, I am not the one that you should fear. Rumplestiltskin is. Whatever he's promised you, it's a lie. Emma: How do you know he promised me anything? The Snow Queen: So I was right. You mustn't trust him, Emma. He doesn't do anything unless it benefits him. He doesn't care about you. He would kill you to get what he desires. Emma: You know what I think? The fact that you don't want me to go means something. It means I'm going. The Snow Queen: I won't let you. Emma: You're not gonna hurt me. You need me. The Snow Queen: Don't do this. Emma: What the...? You're not here. The Snow Queen: If I could be, I would. I'm trying to protect you, and that is the truth. Emma: I don't care what you say. That's the truth. (Emma takes her car and leave.) [SCENE_BREAK] (Regina joins Mary Margaret in the kitchen.) Mary Margaret: How's Henry? Regina: Reading comic books. Refusing to sleep. So, I think okay. Or at least his version of a brave face. Thank you, by the way, for earlier. He has enough problems without bringing my mess of a life into it. Mary Margaret: By "mess," do you mean Robin Hood? Did you guys, uh... Oh, come on, Regina. You don't need to be ashamed. Regina: Well, I know I don't have to be, but... I am. David: Is everything okay? Regina: What are you doing here? Well, shouldn't someone be out looking for Emma? David: Didn't Mary Margaret tell you? She called. She figured out a way to get rid of her magic. Regina: Get rid of it? And you're okay with that? David: We support our daughter. Regina: We're not talking about an old pair of Jimmy Choos here. Tell me you're joking. Mary Margaret: It may seem drastic, but it's the only way Emma can be sure never to hurt anyone again. Regina: This could be the worst idea you've ever had, and you hired the wicked witch as your nanny. David: Well, we actually think it'll be good for her. We... She could be normal. Regina: Let me ask you something. Do you know what I regret most? David: Countless innocent lives you destroyed? Regina: That I didn't support Henry when he realized he was special. You of all people should remember. 'Cause you started it all when you gave him that storybook. It opened up a whole world for him. But I was so scared of losing him... That I tried convincing him he was crazy... And that being normal would make things better. Thankfully, he had the good sense not to listen to me. Mary Margaret: Regina's right. David, we've been rationalizing, and you know it. We cannot let her take away what's special about her. David: I know. Mary Margaret: Well, then let's go get her. Regina, your locator potion... Regina: It's gone. David: Where's Elsa? [SCENE_BREAK] (Elsa follows Emma's scarf through Storybrooke.) [SCENE_BREAK] [ Arendelle - Past ] [SCENE_BREAK] (In Anna's cell.) Ingrid: I'm sorry. Elsa won't save you. Anna: You don't know her. You don't know me. Ingrid: But I do. We're a lot alike. We had families, but we both grew up in this palace, isolated and alone. I liked to go to the library and bury myself in a good book. My favourite was an ancient north legend... The Trolden Glass. Perhaps you read it. Anna: Of course I did. I read everything in there. Ingrid: Tell me what you remember. Anna: Giving a book report would be a lot easier if you'd let me go. Ingrid: The other option is I kill you. Anna: It's about a north king who had a beautiful daughter he loved dearly. Ingrid: Go on. Anna: He wanted his daughter to be able to see the beauty he saw in her, so he had a mirror made for her birthday. But the day before it, she died, so instead of reflecting her beauty, it reflected the ugliness of his pain and sorrow. Ingrid: Very good. What happened then? Anna: It's been awhile, okay? I don't remember every detail. Ingrid: Well, I do. He was so devastated, he decided his kingdom should share his pain. So he spent years harnessing dark magic, used it on the mirror, and cast a spell over his entire kingdom. It made his subjects see only the worst in the ones they loved. And they turned on each other, destroying themselves. Anna: What does that story have to do with anything? Ingrid: You were in my room. I'm sure you saw the mirror. This is just a small piece of it. I spent years gazing into that mirror, but all I saw reflected back at me was pain, just like the Nordic king. Anna: You're going to cast that spell. Ingrid: The spell of shattered sight. It would take an entire lifetime to cultivate enough power to cast a spell over an entire kingdom. Luckily I only need to cast it over you. (Ingrid casts the spell on Anna.) [SCENE_BREAK] [ Storybrooke ] [SCENE_BREAK] (Emma arrives to the mansion. She sees lights in it and enters.) [SCENE_BREAK] (Regina, Henry, Mary Margaret and David are looking for Emma.) Henry: You're sure these are from her bug? Mary Margaret: Oh, yeah, she definitely spun out here, and then... She got out of the car and got back in. David: Anyone else out here? Mary Margaret: No. It's just her footprints. Come on. These are so fresh, we can carry on foot. She can't have gone far. (David turns off the lights of his car. Mary Margaret and Regina continue their conversation.) Mary Margaret: So, before we were interrupted, you were telling me about Robin Hood. Regina: Oh, there's not much to tell. It's not gonna work out. It's the story of my life. Whatever's working against my happiness is more powerful than I am. Mary Margaret: Why does it have to work against you? Look at me and David. We have faced impossible odds numerous times... Often because of you... And yet we've always worked out. You know why? Because we have hope. Regina: You get a quarter from the hope commission every time you say that word. Admit it. Mary Margaret: I'm serious. Regina: Well, it's easy for you to say... You're a hero. Whenever you need help, it just magically shows up, like Henry's book. Mary Margaret: Yeah, I think that when you do good, the universe takes care of you. That's why it showed up. Regina: Well, it doesn't really matter why. Your wishes are rewarded. Mine are crushed. Mary Margaret: Well, I refuse to believe that happiness is impossible for you to achieve. You've come too far. And, yes, you may be sleeping with a married man, but guess what... So have I. Regina: Well, I've done far worse than that. Mary Margaret: Which doesn't mean that you can't earn forgiveness, a chance at grace. I have to believe that. Regina: If you do good hoping to be redeemed, is that... Really good? Maybe evil is born... And that's just who I am. Mary Margaret: Regina... You saw me grow up. You know how selfish and shallow I could be as a child. You know what I've done since. You have literally seen my heart. You know it's not untouched. You are not all evil, and I'm not all good. Things are not that simple. Regina: Well, whoever's guiding all this seems to think it is. You're the hero, and I'm the villain. Free will be damned. It's all in the book. And we both know how it plays out. Mary Margaret: Mm, maybe, but maybe not. Your stories went poorly because you made bad choices. But now you're making good ones. It may not happen as quickly as you want, but... If you stay the course, your happiness will come. Regina: You honestly believe that? Mary Margaret: It doesn't matter what I believe. What matters is that you do. [SCENE_BREAK] (At the library.) Will: She's really something, all right. If evil queens are your type, which I get. You're still together, then. Robin: That is not relevant. Will: Hey, no judgments here, mate. I was the one who told you to follow your heart. Robin: I just want her to be happy, even if she thinks that's impossible... Wait! Ah. Will: Whoa! Robin: "1988 Mercedes-Benz 560SL repair manual." All due respect, I'm beginning to think your magic-library theory might be a tad off. Any book we want is hardly gonna be stacked beside... "The cat in the hat." Why would a cat want a hat? Will: I've seen stranger. Robin: Wait. This wasn't here before. Will: What wasn't here? Robin: I'm not sure. Incredible. Will: What is it? Robin: I need to reach Regina. [SCENE_BREAK] (Regina answers her phone.) Regina: Hello. Who is this? Robin: Regina, it's Robin. I've just found something that you have to see right now. Regina: Right now? I'm... I'm sorry, but I'm in the middle... Mary Margaret: Go. We've got this. Regina: He found something. Mary Margaret: Maybe hope worked. Regina: Well, if it did, I owe you a quarter. I'll be right there. [SCENE_BREAK] (Mr Gold prepares the hat to trap Emma. She enters.) Emma: Hello? Gold? You here? Gold? Gold? Gold, you in there?! Mr Gold: There's no need to shout. I'm right here. You'll forgive me if I keep my distance. It would appear your powers are growing increasingly out of control. Emma: Yeah, it was a rough night. So, what do I need to do? Mr Gold: I've already cast the spell inside that room. All you have to do is... Step through the door. Is something wrong? Emma: Just... I ran into the Snow Queen. Mr Gold: Did you? Emma: Well, sort of. It was a projection or a hologram, or I don't know what it was. She said I shouldn't do this, that you were trying to hurt me. Mr Gold: All right, so now we know who doesn't want you to do this... The villain. Sounds like an argument for it, but maybe that's just me. Emma: That's what I said. Mr Gold: But you still have doubts. Emma: Do you blame me? Mr Gold: No. Emma: Is it safe? Will I be okay? Mr Gold: No magic is without risk, even magic used to take away magic. Look, this is very much your choice. And, of course, it was also your idea. Emma: But it's gonna stop me from hurting people. Mr Gold: That much I can promise, yes. Emma: What would you do? Mr Gold: I wouldn't go in there for anything. Emma: What? Why? Mr Gold: Because, Emma, I'm not like you. I'm a man who makes wrong decisions, selfish decisions. Emma: But you spent all that time looking for Neal. You sacrificed yourself to save the town. You married Belle. Mr Gold: And each time, I meticulously undid all the good. Neal is still gone, the town is still in danger, and Belle, for better or worse, she knows who I am, and that's the man who always chooses power. Emma: She believes you can change. Mr Gold: And I love her for that. But I fear she's quite likely wrong. But you, Emma? You don't need to change. Because you do the right thing. Always. Emma: Gold... Thank you. Mr Gold: Of course. We have no choice. [SCENE_BREAK] (Outside the mansion.) Hook: Swan! Mr Gold: Watch your step, captain. The terrain's a little rough around here. Hook: Get out of my way, Crocodile. I'll die fighting before I let you use that bloody hat on Emma. (Mr Gold traps Hook.) Mr Gold: Death can wait. How about before you depart, I'll treat you to a front-row seat and we can watch her use that hat on herself? Hook: No. Mr Gold: Oh, and, uh... In case you were counting on Emma getting your message... Don't. Hook: No. Mr Gold: I'm not one for loose ends. Don't worry. You'll get over her... Just like you got over Milah. How many centuries did that take? Oh, it matters not. This might even add a little fuel to your fire. Don't tell me you haven't missed the taste of vengeance. Hook: She's mother to your grandson, Gold! Don't do this. Mr Gold: I wish I didn't have to. But I need Miss Swan. Surely you understand that. [SCENE_BREAK] (Elsa arrives to the mansion.) Elsa: Emma! Emma! (She enters.) [SCENE_BREAK] [ Arendelle - Past ] [SCENE_BREAK] (Elsa is waiting for her sister in the lunch room. Anna comes in.) Elsa: Oh, thank goodness you're safe. At first, I couldn't find Ingrid. And ever since, I've been worried sick. Anna: I suppose I should be grateful. Elsa: Did everything go all right? You seem upset. Anna: What's all this? Elsa: Oh, I wanted to surprise you with something special. It's all chocolate. I'm afraid the ice cream's long melted now, but I can make you more if you'd like. Anna: That's just like you... Thinking some food and fancy jewellery can make up for everything you did to me. Elsa: Everything I did to you? Anna, what are you talking about? Anna: It all came back to me when we were in the east wing of the palace, how you ignored me for all those years, left me to wander this place like a ghost. Elsa: Is this a joke? Because of my ruse? Because if you're trying to get back at me, Anna, it isn't funny. Anna: Do you want to know the worst part? You let me believe it was all my fault, that I had done something wrong. Elsa: How can you say these things? We promised we'd never be like this. What's happened? Anna: I've come to my senses. Elsa: Anna, no! Oh, this isn't you. It can't be. Anna: I'm afraid it is. Elsa: Ingrid, you're not... In an urn. Ingrid: No. Fortunately, I have a chance to show you that I am the only one who will ever understand you. Anna never will. Elsa: This is because of you. You used your magic to cast a spell on her. Ingrid: Yes, but a spell that reveals her true feelings, even if she wasn't able to admit them before... Her deepest, darkest emotions now brought into the light. Anna: You wouldn't even talk to me. "Go away, Anna. Go away, Anna." You were supposed to be my sister! Elsa: I am your sister. Anna, please, put the down the urn. Ingrid: She won't listen to you, Elsa, just like your mother wouldn't listen to me. The only way to stop her is accept who you truly are. Use your powers on her. Elsa: No. I won't give up on my sister. Ingrid: Do it, Elsa! Freeze her! Elsa: No, I won't. I won't hurt my sister. Ingrid: Do it! Elsa: Do what you will, but know that no matter what, Anna, I love you. (Anna puts Elsa in the urn.) Ann: Wait. What? No! Elsa?! What did you make me do? Ingrid: You foolish girl. This is all your fault! Kristoff: Stay away from her! Ingrid: Oh. Here comes the noble hero. I know that look in your eyes... In both of your eyes. Kristoff: Just let her go. Ingrid: Eventually, everyone sees me as a monster. Maybe it's time to embrace that... And be one. (Ingrid freezes Arendelle.) Ingrid: Elsa... You will accept who you are one day, too. And we will find our third sister, no matter how long it takes. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Storybrooke ] [SCENE_BREAK] (Emma is about to enter in the room but Elsa stops her.) Elsa: Emma, stop! Emma: Elsa, what the hell are you doing here? You have to leave now. I'm sorry. Elsa: I won't let you do this. Emma: My powers are out of control. There's no other way. Please, go, now. Elsa: No. You didn't give up on me even when you nearly froze to death in that ice cave, so I'm not giving up on you now. I know how scary it is, hurting someone you love. I've lived in fear of that my entire life. But giving up your magic is not the answer. There is another way. Emma: Yeah, you told me all about how Anna's love saved you, and that's great, but guess what. My version of that with Henry didn't work. This is all I have left. Elsa: I was wrong. It wasn't just Anna's love that saved me. Emma: What are you talking about? Elsa: When I landed in this strange town, I was certain that without Anna, I was doomed. But I got control over my powers again without her. Emma: How? Elsa: I didn't really know until today, until the same thing happened to you, and then it finally hit me. It's not only Anna's love or Henry's that can save us. They accept us for who we are, and that's important. But it's not enough. It's on us, too. You have to love yourself, Emma, the good and the bad. The only way to ever truly be in control of your powers is to embrace them. Because this... This is who you are. Emma: What are you doing? Elsa: It's time to stop being afraid. Emma: But this could kill you. Elsa: I'll take that risk if you will. (Emma takes Elsa's hand and all the troubles ends.) [SCENE_BREAK] (Outside the mansion.) Mr Gold: No. Hook: Well, I'm guessing she didn't go through with it. So sorry. Oh, but I do love the look of loss on your face. Mr Gold: I may not have the saviour, pirate. But I assure you, today won't be a complete loss. I need to fill that hat with power, yes, but that was only part of the equation. Because I need something else, a secret ingredient, one I didn't know about... Until an associate clued me in. A heart. Hook: Well, if you need my help procuring it, know the only help I give you is with your demise. Mr Gold: Oh, you're gonna help me, all right. Hook: Ah. Mr Gold: You see, this spell is gonna finally separate me from the dagger so it no longer holds power over me. But to cast it... I need the heart of someone special, someone who knew me before the dagger... Before I was the Dark One. Unfortunately, everyone who fits that description is already dead, but one still lives. Hook: No. No! Mr Gold: Yes. As luck would have it, dearie, you're my oldest friend. (Mr Gold rips Hook's heart.) Hook: Get on with it, then. Just do it. Mr Gold: Oh, no. I promised you we'd have some fun first. You're gonna do everything I say because you're my puppet now. You're gonna find another way to fill that hat with the power it needs. And then? Then I'll kill you. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Arendelle - Past ] [SCENE_BREAK] (Rumplestiltskin visits Ingrid.) Rumplestiltskin: I see someone's been practicing their rock-troll memory magic. Quite impressive, dearie. You know, I... I prefer her better this way. More cooperative. Less mouthy. Ooh. But this? This was much lovelier when it was around her neck. You know... When she was breathing. Ingrid: What do you want, Rumplestiltskin? Rumplestiltskin: Just an old trinket your frozen niece stole from me... A hat. Ingrid: I haven't seen it. Rumplestiltskin: Ooh, lying is so un-queenly, Ingrid. (Rumplestiltskin takes the urn.) Ingrid: Where is she? Give her back... Rumplestiltskin: Careful, dearie. You're not the only one who knows how to hide something of value. We wouldn't want it lost forever, now would we? Though I'm curious why you took memories from that poor girl. I mean, you would have thought being trapped inside a bread bin was punishment enough. Ingrid: She learned more than she was meant to. I wanted us to have a fresh start. Rumplestiltskin: Don't we all, dearie? Don't we all? You know, uh... I'm gonna make you a deal... An urn for a hat, as simple as that. And just to make it easy for you, when you "find" the object of my desire, just say my name three times, and I shall come to you. See you soon! [SCENE_BREAK] [ Storybrooke ] [SCENE_BREAK] (Hook finds Emma and Elsa.) Hook: Swan! Are you all right? Elsa: She didn't do it. She didn't take away her magic. Emma: Wow, I've never seen people so happy about me not doing something. Hook: We'll find another way to defeat the Snow Queen... Together. (He kisses her.) Emma: Mm. Mm. Easy, tiger, we've got company. I didn't know you were such a fan of my magic. Hook: Why would you say that, Swan? I'm a fan of every part of you. Emma: Are you all right? Hook: Of course, love. Why? Emma: If you look at me any harder, you're gonna drill a hole in my head. Hook: I'm just relieved. You should go outside. I have a feeling there are a lot of worried people who will be glad to see you. (Emma and Elsa leaves. Hook opens the door and takes the hat.) [SCENE_BREAK] (Regina enters in the library.) Regina: I got here as fast as I could. What's so important you couldn't say over the phone? Robin: I'll show you in a second. But first, you remember this? Regina: Uh, the book you apparently stole from me? Yes, I remember it quite well. Robin: You knew I was a thief when you met me. All right, so, tonight, I came here looking, trying to find a clue towards that author... Toward your happy ending. Regina: In the public library? Robin, my happy ending is not a Stephen King book-on-tape. Robin: Hang on. But then the strangest thing happened. I found something. Regina: Is this... Us? Robin: Yes. Inside the pub. Regina: I don't understand. This isn't what happened. Is this from the book? 23...Page 23. Is it missing from the book? Robin: No. No, it's already there, and it's you leaving me. This goes in the same place. This is the meeting that we never had. Regina: What does it mean? Robin: It means that your fate could have gone many different ways. It means you're not doomed to suffer. There's a bright future for you around every turn, even if you miss one. Regina: Well, where did you find it? Is there another book? What shelf? Robin: No, it was in my satchel. Regina: What? Robin: Not at first. It wasn't there when I left. It... Appeared. Regina: Like magic. Robin: It's a sign. And you can take it however you want, but to me, it's showing you possibility... Hope. That's not something that would ever happen to a villain, is it? What is it? Regina: I owe someone a quarter. (They kiss.) [SCENE_BREAK] (The circle disappears. The Snow Queen is free. She puts the ribbons on her, Emma and Elsa by magic.) [SCENE_BREAK] [ Arendelle - Past ] [SCENE_BREAK] (Ingrid enters in the cave where she hides the hat.) Ingrid: Rumplestiltskin. Rumplestiltskin. Rumplest... The Apprentice: Stop! I have travelled far to find you. Why are you conjuring the Dark One when you have a deal with the Sorcerer? Do you doubt he can find the sister you seek? Ingrid: No. But I lost the one that I already had. The Apprentice: You told me you were a patient woman. Happy endings can take a long time, but they do happen. Ingrid: Does that mean you found a match? The Apprentice: The Sorcerer did locate a third magical sister, yes, and she... Will be a perfect match. Ingrid: What do you mean, "will be"? The Apprentice: There in lies the catch. She is not born yet. Ingrid: How does the Sorcerer know something that hasn't happened yet? The Apprentice: He knows many things. For example, he knows that if you deliver that hat... To the Dark One, you will never find your happy ending. Ingrid: But if I give it to you... I will? The Apprentice: You will find this third sister and be reunited with the one you've just lost. (The Apprentice makes appears a door.) The Apprentice: This door will lead you to a new land... Where your happy ending awaits. Just hand over the box, and I will open it for you. Ingrid: You said that the Sorcerer doesn't make deals... Especially with people like me. Why is he doing this now? The Apprentice: The hat is important to him. And sometimes, people surprise you. (Ingrid gives the Apprentice the hat.) The Apprentice: Now take this. When the time comes... It will lead you to your third sister. (The Apprentice opens the door and Ingrid gets through it.) [SCENE_BREAK] [ New York - 1982 ] [SCENE_BREAK] (Ingrid appears in New York.) [SCENE_BREAK] [ Storybrooke ] [SCENE_BREAK] (Outside the mansion.) Mary Margaret: Emma! Did you do it? Emma: Oh. I didn't, thanks to Elsa. Mary Margaret: I'm so, so glad. Just... Please don't change. Emma: I don't want to. David: We love you, no matter what. Emma: I know. Hey, kid. How are you? Henry: Just glad you're okay. Mary Margaret: So, your magic... Are you in control of it again? Emma: Absolutely. (Emma uses her magic to create fireworks.) Henry: Cool. Mom, when did you get that? Emma: I don't know. Elsa: Emma, what's happening? It won't come off. Emma: Mine won't, either. Aah. Elsa: I feel it, too. It's like it's funneling all my magic away, like it's... Harnessing it somehow. David: Any idea what this is? Emma: No. But I have a pretty good idea where it came from. [SCENE_BREAK] (In the ice-cave.) The Snow Queen: You look disappointed. Mr Gold: Miss Swan did not behave as I had hoped. Did you have a hand in it? The Snow Queen: Of course not. My hands were trapped here the entire time. Although, as you said, the urn dust didn't last long at all. Mr Gold: I'd keep my distance if I were you. The Snow Queen: You really don't understand what's happening, do you? I wasn't the one who saved Emma. Elsa was. They really are quite wonderful together... Like sisters. Mr Gold: Your strange fixation really holds no interest for me. The Snow Queen: Oh, but it should. And it will. You see, these ribbons were of no use to me until this moment. They can bond Three magical sisters together, but only if all of us are a perfect match. Mr Gold: And what makes for this perfect match? The Snow Queen: When all three have embraced their powers, which we now have, thanks to you. Now I wield the magic of my three sisters. Now my mirror is complete. And with this power, I can finally cast a spell over all of Storybrooke. I could probably even defeat you and decorate this place with your bones. Shall I try? Mr Gold: Dearie, I warn you... Do not overestimate your power. The Snow Queen: And I warn you... Don't underestimate it. (The Snow Queen cast the spell on Storybrooke.)

This episode's plot summary may be too long or excessively detailed. Please help improve it by removing unnecessary details and making it more concise. (December 2019) (Learn how and when to remove this template message) As Emma's powers become uncontrollable, she seeks help from Gold. Regina gives Mary and David a locator potion but they quickly drop their plan to stop Emma, believing it might be better if Emma became "normal." Elsa steals the locator potion to find Emma on her own. When the Snow Queen threatens Gold not to hurt Emma, he uses magical dust made from the urn's remnants to temporarily trap the Snow Queen within her palace. In Arendelle's past, Ingrid tries to convince Elsa that Anna was planning to remove her magic, but fails. Elsa and Anna manage to obtain the urn, which they plan to use on Ingrid. Elsa learns why their parents left for the Enchanted Forest, and makes peace with it, and she sends Anna back into the prison to set up their trap for Ingrid. Regina convinces Mary and David that Emma's powers made her special, so they team up to find Emma. Robin Hood decides to help Regina find the author of the fairytale book and discovers a missing page that could provide a clue. Hook reaches the mansion first but Gold binds him before trying to convince Emma to step through the door where his magical hat is set up. While Gold taunts Hook, Elsa breaks in through the back door and convinces Emma to accept herself, allowing Emma to control her powers. Gold takes Hook's heart to sever himself from the Dagger, turning Hook into his "puppet" in the process. The Snow Queen places ribbons on Elsa and Emma to harness their power. The Snow Queen uses her newly-amplified magic to shatter her mirror, casting the Spell of Shattered Sight over Storybrooke. In Arendelle's past, Ingrid uncovers the sisters' plot, and plans to turn Elsa against Anna, only for a cursed Anna to place Elsa in the urn. Ingrid freezes Anna, Kristoff, and all of Arendelle. Rumplestiltskin comes to take Anna's necklace and the urn in exchange for the Sorcerer's hat. However, Ingrid turns over the box to the Apprentice instead in exchange for her happy ending, leading her to 1982 Boston, prior to baby Emma's arrival.

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DELTA AND THE BANNERMEN PART TWO Run time: 24:23 [SCENE_BREAK] Laundry store [SCENE_BREAK] Keillor: Connect me with the Bannerman leader. Gavrok (O.C.): Gavrok here. Go ahead. Keillor: I understand you're offering a reward for the Chimeron queen. Gavrok (O.C.): Affirmative. One million units. Keillor: I've found her. She's at a place called Shangri La, in South Wales, Western Hemisphere, Earth. Now lock into this signal to guide you in. Gavrok (O.C.): The reward will be yours when we arrive. End transmission. [SCENE_BREAK] Mel and Delta's chalet [SCENE_BREAK] Delta: Thank you. Mel: What for? Delta: For lending me your dress. For making an effort to be kind. Mel: Oh, I'd help anyone in trouble, if I could. Delta: Mel, there's something you should know. Delta: My baby. My beautiful baby. [SCENE_BREAK] Laundry store [SCENE_BREAK] Keillor: What an unexpected bonus. You're the traveller in time they call the Doctor. Your death will make me richer still. The Doctor: If you kill for money, let the girl go. She's worth nothing to you. Keillor: I don't just kill for money. It's also something I enjoy. [SCENE_BREAK] Gavrok's spaceship [SCENE_BREAK] Gavrok: My bounty hunter will be paid off sooner than he thinks. Arm the beacon hunter. [SCENE_BREAK] Mel and Delta's chalet [SCENE_BREAK] Delta: My life's at risk. I'm going to trust you, and I think you deserve a full explanation. I think you'd better close the door. [SCENE_BREAK] Goronwy's cottage [SCENE_BREAK] Goronwy: Good morning. What a beautiful morning it is. Weismuller: Sure is. By the way, have you er, have you seen anything weird fall out of the sky? Goronwy: Oh dear me, no. I've seen many things fall out of the sky, but nothing which could be described as weird. Hawk: What about lights? Anything like that? Goronwy: Oh, there are strange lights in the night sky all the time. Not just the Aurora Borealis, mind, but low pulsing lights on occasions and low shooting stars. Weismuller: Uh huh. Er, anything in the last day or so? Goronwy: I shall ask my bees. They know everything that happens. Hawk: Sure. Well, I reckon we've taken up enough of your time. Goronwy: If you stayed a bit longer, young man, you might understand. Goronwy: Take a look at this butterfly. Arguably one of the most beautiful creatures in the whole of nature. Yet if you were to see a pupae, you'd think it was the ugliest sight you've ever seen. But you can't have one without the other. [SCENE_BREAK] Mel and Delta's chalet [SCENE_BREAK] Delta: And so, I'm the last Chimeron queen. My planet is right now in the grip of the invaders. My people are dead. Poor Mel's exhausted. I think we'd better let her get some sleep. Billy, I feel like a walk. Billy: Sure. The hills around here are beautiful. We can go somewhere really special. Delta: But I can't walk too far with the baby. Billy: I never said anything about walking. [SCENE_BREAK] Garage [SCENE_BREAK] Delta: What is it? Billy: She's a Vincent. My pride and joy. [SCENE_BREAK] Laundry store [SCENE_BREAK] Ray: Oh, my head. The Doctor: Do you feel all right? Nothing hurt or broken? Ray: But, but what happened to that guy with the gun? The Doctor: I'm afraid he was paid in kind. You see this signal beacon? It exploded from the inside. Obviously the Bannermen locked into his signal and fired off a high impulse beam right along his transmission track. Ray: So they, they killed him? The Doctor: I'm afraid so. Ionised. Ray: And this is all that's left of him. The Doctor: Yes. A poignant reminder that violence always rebounds on itself. But we must warn the others that an attack is imminent. [SCENE_BREAK] Office [SCENE_BREAK] Vinny: Good morning. Let's start with a song. When the red, red robin comes bob, bob, bobbing along. [SCENE_BREAK] Mel and Delta's chalet [SCENE_BREAK] The Doctor: Mel, Mel, are you all right? Mel: Hmm? Oh, nothing a good night's sleep wouldn't cure. The Doctor: Well, I'm afraid that'll have to wait. Do you know where Delta and Billy have gone? Mel: They didn't tell me. Billy was taking her to some beauty spot, I think. The Doctor: Well, we've got to find them as quick as we can. And organise an evacuation of the camp. The Bannermen are on their way. Mel: I'll get Murray to organise the tour party. The Doctor: Good. But they'll be one short. Ray: He was ionised. The Doctor: Yes. But I must try and find Delta and Billy. Do you know where they might be, Ray? Ray: Well, there are a couple of beauty spots in the area we could try. And also a few special places only known to Billy and me. The Doctor: Well, we're going to have to keep looking for them until we find them. But first we must convince Burton to evacuate the camp. Mel, you find Murray. Ray, come with me. Mel: Right. [SCENE_BREAK] By the river [SCENE_BREAK] Billy: Oh, you're a bit of a heavyweight, aren't you? Delta: The most rapid growth occurs in the lymphoid state. She'll double her size and her weight in the next few hours. Billy: Come on. [SCENE_BREAK] Office [SCENE_BREAK] Burton: Now, let me try and get this right. Now, are you telling me that you are not the Happy Hearts Holiday Club from Bolton, but instead are spacemen in fear of an attack from some other spacemen, and because of the danger, you want me to evacuate the entire camp? The Doctor: An excellent summary, Mister Burton. Now, if you start right away, then we'll be able to get them to safety. Burton: Oh well, if that is all that is needed, it should be easy. Oh, by the way, can we have space buns and tea afterwards? Or don't they drink tea on Mars? The Doctor: I thought you might be a little skeptical. What can I do to convince you? Burton: Oh, this is a waste of time, Doctor. The Doctor: Listen, Mister Burton. If you don't act right away, innocent people will die! I will do whatever I can to convince you I'm not suffering from some sort of delusion. Burton: All right, Doctor. Dan das sochivy. Ray: Meinwyr, meinwyr. Burton: How about showing us your spaceship, eh? Ray: Oh, can I come too, Doctor? The Doctor: Of course, but let's go quickly. [SCENE_BREAK] Outside chalet 108 [SCENE_BREAK] Mel: Murray! Murray, wake up! Murray: What's the matter? Mel: There's an emergency, Murray. We have to get ready to leave as soon as the bus is fixed. Murray: What kind of emergency? Mel: The Bannerman warfleet's on its way. Murray: You stay there. I'll get changed. Mel: Okay. [SCENE_BREAK] Outside Shangri La [SCENE_BREAK] The Doctor: It's called a TARDIS, an acronym for Time And Relative Dimensions In Space. Burton: Really? Couldn't we take it for a bit of a spin, Doctor? The Doctor: Yes, with pleasure, but first things first. We must clear the camp. Burton: Right. [SCENE_BREAK] Chalet area [SCENE_BREAK] Murray: Everybody out, campers! Attention! Everybody out! Listen, everybody out! Now look, we should quickly pack and then wait at the bus until we're ready to leave. Bollit: Well, what's the big rush, Murray? It's nice here. Murray: Truth is, there's a Bannerman war fleet on its way here. Nice and easy, folks. Don't panic! Nice and easy, nice and easy, don't panic. The Doctor: I see you've got everything under control, Murray. We must go and see the crystal. If it's ready, then you must leave. Murray: You won't see me for dust, Doctor. [SCENE_BREAK] Office [SCENE_BREAK] Burton: Good morning, everyone. This is a matter of some urgency. [SCENE_BREAK] Chalet area [SCENE_BREAK] Burton (O.C.): Could all staff, without exception, assemble in my office immediately. Could all employees... [SCENE_BREAK] Outside Shangri La [SCENE_BREAK] The Doctor: It's almost re-grown. Just another half hour. And then you've got to leave, whether I come back or not. Murray: Back from where? The Doctor: I've got to find Delta. Mel, you stay here and organise things. Come on, let's go, Ray. The Doctor: Take care of the crystal! Murray: Count on me, Doctor. [SCENE_BREAK] Office [SCENE_BREAK] Burton: I've call you all here at such short notice because we are facing a crisis. Now, what I would like you all to do is to go back to your chalets and pack whatever you need for one night. I have already ordered a bus to take us all away from here. You will spend the night in Llandrindod Wells and return in a day or so. Any questions? Splendid. Vinny: I don't normally like running away, sir. What's up? Burton: Ah, well, it's because we're facing an attack. It's because we are er, well, we are in danger, you know. Well, it's top secret. I've got a man here now from the Ministry of Defence, so look sharp, will you? Vinny: Are you staying, sir? Burton: Well, of course. They would have to drag me away from here, man. Vinny: Then I'll stay too, Major. Burton: Thank you, Vinny, but you will all have to go, and that is an order. Look sharp now. Off you go. [SCENE_BREAK] By the river [SCENE_BREAK] Billy: That noise she makes. It's almost like singing. Delta: It's partly a song, and partly a defence mechanism. Billy: Against the Bannermen. [SCENE_BREAK] Fern Dell [SCENE_BREAK] The Doctor: Did you come here with Billy often? Ray: We called it Fern Dell. We used to play here as children. But I don't see his bike anywhere. The Doctor: Could it be hidden? Ray: Oh no, not the Vincent. It's just too big. The Doctor: Well, they're not here. Come on. [SCENE_BREAK] Outside Shangri La [SCENE_BREAK] Burton: Come on! Don't stand about, but come on. Go on now. Come on, come on. Mel: Fortunately they didn't have much packing to do. How's the crystal coming? Murray: I'm trying to use mind power to make it grow faster, but I haven't had much luck. Burton: I'm doing this with grave misgivings, but I cannot risk my staff for it. Murray: Just like a captain, Mister Burton. Burton: Major, actually. I am still not sure what I saw in that police box, but I cannot risk my staff for it. Mel: You're doing the right thing. [SCENE_BREAK] Gavrok's spaceship [SCENE_BREAK] Gavrok: She's somewhere in that quadrant. It's a pity we had to destroy the beacon when we killed that mercenary. We'll have to scan the whole area until we find some trace of advanced technology emissions. But she will soon be dead. [SCENE_BREAK] Welsh countryside [SCENE_BREAK] Weismuller: You're wasting your time, Hawk. Hawk: Well, it's better that stopping every stranger we find and asking them if they've seen our lost satellite. Weismuller: But there's no point in listening to that radio. It stopped transmitting. That's why you and I have to look for that satellite. Hawk: Then I'll listen to Voice of America. Anything's better than your yammering. The Doctor: Excuse me! Have you seen a couple go by? A fellow on a big black bike and a lady with a green polka dot dress. Weismuller: Mister, we haven't even seen a squirrel this morning. The Doctor: Are there any other places, Ray? Ray: Well, there is just one last chance. The Doctor: Well, let's give it a try. [SCENE_BREAK] Outside Shangri La [SCENE_BREAK] Mel: Well, I don't know much about crystalline structures, but that looks about cooked. Murray: Yes, looks ready to me, Mel. Well, here goes. [SCENE_BREAK] Country lane [SCENE_BREAK] Ray: Oh, this is the end of the road, Doctor. I don't know where else to try. The Doctor: Ah, these tyre marks show a heavy motorcycle and sidecar. Come on. [SCENE_BREAK] By the river [SCENE_BREAK] Delta: If I can get the hatchling safely to the Brood planet, then I can take my case to judgement. They will then send an expeditionary force to get rid of Gavrok and his Bannermen. Billy: Well, I'll do whatever I can to help, Delta. Billy: That's Ray and the Doctor. They're sure in a hurry. Delta: The Bannermen! Ray: Oh, thank heavens! Billy: Why is everyone in such a lather? The Doctor: Found you at last. Delta: Gavrok? The Doctor: Yes. We overheard a space mercenary give the position of the camp. There's a price on your head. Billy: Yeah? Well, where is this guy? I reckon we've got a score to settle. Ray: He's been ionised. The Doctor: Murray's fixing the bus. He shouldn't be long. Then you can leave. So we've got to go back now. [SCENE_BREAK] Gavrok's spaceship [SCENE_BREAK] Gavrok: Transmitter identified. Triangulate and set course. [SCENE_BREAK] Welsh countryside [SCENE_BREAK] Hawk: Ain't no use, Weismuller. There's nothing out there. Weismuller: Well, I don't want to be an old I told you so, but if you had listened to me before... Hawk: Hey, Weismuller, do you think that's it? Weismuller: Well, I don't know. I ain't never seen a satellite before. Weismuller: I always thought that they'd be smaller, somehow. Look, I don't know what's going on around here, but I think we'd better get out of here real fast. Gavrok: Halt! Weismuller: Oh, hi there. We weren't going anywhere. Gavrok: Where is the Chimeron queen? Hawk: Beats me, chief. Weismuller: Hey, that's the property of Uncle Sam. Gavrok: Where is he, your Uncle Sam? Hawk: No, you don't understand. Weismuller: Boy, you sure get sore real quick. Gavrok: I will lead the main party. You two, guard them. Come. [SCENE_BREAK] Outside Shangri La [SCENE_BREAK] Murray: Well, we're all gassed up and ready to go. Mel: Then you must leave at once, Murray. Murray: What about the Doctor and Delta? Mel: We can follow you in the TARDIS, wherever you go. Murray: I know, but I feel bad about leaving you here. It's your last chance to hitch a ride. Mel: No, I made an arrangement. I'd better stick to it. Thanks anyway. Murray: Well, it's time to get this show on the road. As they say around here, see you later, alligator. Mel: In a while, crocodile. Bye! Murray: Bye! Mel: Bye-bye! Gavrok: So, one of them escaped. Mel: You killed all those innocent people! Gavrok: Was the Chimeron queen amongst them? Mel: Yes. Yes, she's dead. Gavrok: Would you lie? Mel: You saw what happened to the bus. No one could have survived that! Gavrok: That's right. The Chimerons are finished! Delta: The Bannermen! Gavrok: Attack! Mel: No! Gavrok: You lied! Burton: Stop! It would be extremely foolish of you to kill her. Keep her as a hostage. She's far more use to you alive. Gavrok: Kill any other survivors. Tie these two up. They will not be hostages, but bait. [SCENE_BREAK] Country lane [SCENE_BREAK] The Doctor: Stop, stop. Stop! Stop! He's not following us. Ray: Mel's still in there, Doctor, and Burton. The Doctor: My immediate objectives are to set them free and find Delta and the baby somewhere safe. Billy: Can you hear something? Ray: I can't hear anything. The Doctor: Shush. Those marks behind her ear are high frequency antennae. What are you picking up? Delta: It's not clear, but it's coming from down there. Billy: There's nothing there except old Goronwy's place. The Doctor: Does he keep bees? Billy: Yeah. How did you know that? Delta: It's his bees who are telling us to come. The Doctor: Quick. [SCENE_BREAK] Welsh countryside [SCENE_BREAK] Weismuller: You think they would? Weismuller: Nah, I don't think they would. [SCENE_BREAK] Outside Goronwy's cottage [SCENE_BREAK] The Doctor: I wonder if you could help us. Goronwy: Of course, of course. I am Goronwy. The Doctor: Oh, and I'm the Doctor. Goronwy: Oh, there you are. Have some of that. Lovely. The Doctor: Is it possible for these people to stay with you for a few hours? Goronwy: Yes, of course. Come inside and have a cup of tea. Come along. There we are. I take it she likes a bit of honey. The Doctor: I'm going to have to leave at once. I wonder if you could lend me a pillowcase and a broom handle. Goronwy: Oh, I should think so. The Doctor: Splendid. Oh, Billy, may I borrow your bike? Billy: All right, Doctor, but try and be careful though, won't you? The Doctor: I'll treat it as if it were the TARDIS. [SCENE_BREAK] Chalet area [SCENE_BREAK] The Doctor: How dare you! The white flag is the accepted signal for truce throughout the civilised universe! You may think that might is right, but I can assure you, you won't get away with it. Gavrok: Who will stop me? You, with your puny flag and your appeals to fair play and justice, huh? I spit on your justice. The Doctor: Your charm is only matched by your compassion. Gavrok: Why should I not kill you right now? The Doctor: Because you're in enough trouble already, Gavrok. Release those prisoners and I will testify that you showed some mercy. Gavrok: Testify? You'll never get me to trial. The Doctor: We agree to differ. But you should know that Delta has sworn a statement alleging invasion and genocide of the Chimerons. You will be brought to account, Gavrok, and made to pay for your actions. Gavrok: Give me Delta and I will give you your life. The Doctor: Life? What do you know about life, Gavrok? You deal in death. Lies, treachery and murder are your currency. You promise life, but in the end it will be life which defeats you. Gavrok: You have said enough. I have traversed time and space to find the Chimeron queen. I will not be defeated. The Doctor: As you will. I came here under a white flag and I will leave under that same white flag, and woe betide any man who breaches its integrity. Now step aside! Release those prisoners. The Doctor: Gavrok, it's over. You're finished, and we're leaving. The Doctor: Actually, I think I may have gone a little too far.

Gavrok and the Bannermen have arrived on Earth, searching for Delta. They slaughter the holidaymakers without compunction to draw her out.

fd_CSI__Crime_Scene_Investigation_02x06

fd_CSI__Crime_Scene_Investigation_02x06_0

COLD OPEN [EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) --NIGHT] [EXT. LAS VEGAS DESERT (STOCK) -- NIGHT] [EXT. SUV ON ROAD - NIGHT] [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. SUV -- NIGHT] (A PARK RANGER driving along the road route and notices a car parked on the side of the road. He stops the car to check it out. Garbled radio transmissions can be heard in the background.) (He gets out of the car and puts on his park ranger hat. The officer walks to the edge of the road, slips and rolls down the hill. When he comes to a stop, he lands next to a dead body. In the shadow of the bright light, there's a man holding a shovel, digging a hole - caught in the act trying to bury the body.) (Frozen for a moment, the man springs into action. He throws the shovel aside and tries to run, the officer stops him.) Benjamin Jennings: No! No! WHITE FLASH CUT TO: [SCENE_BREAK] (GRISSOM and NICK make their way down the ledge to the crime scene. There are five police vehicles there and a swarm of officers near the crime scene looking for further evidence on the grounds. Kneeling next to the body is a Technician with a clipboard. SGT. O'RILEY meets up with GRISSOM and NICK.) Grissom: Call said one dead body. Sgt. O'Riley: Caught him red-handed. Ben Jennings. (Off to the side, BENJAMIN JENNINGS stands hands cuffed behind his back with three officers standing watch over him. NICK and GRISSOM approach the men.) Nick: Nick Stokes, Gil Grissom, Las Vegas Crime Lab. You want to tell us what's going on? What happened here? (BENJAMIN JENNINGS doesn't respond.) Grissom: You have anything to say? (He still doesn't respond.) Grissom: You don't have to talk to us. (GRISSOM shines the light of his flashlight on the dead body.) Grissom: He'll talk to us. HARD CUT TO: END OF TEASER. ROLL TITLE CREDITS. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. LAS VEGAS DESERT -- NIGHT] (Camera opens on the body. GRISSOM and NICK are crouched low examining the body. Garbled radio transmissions can be heard in the background.) Nick: See that lividity? Blood settled at the time of death. Grissom: Body's been moved from the murder scene. Impound his car. (SARA shows up.) Sara: Sorry, guys. I lost you at the fork. Nick: My bad, Sara. (GRISSOM looks up at BENJAMIN JENNINGS.) Grissom: Let's process this guy shall we? Officer, would you uncuff him, please?! (The officer uncuffs BENJAMIN JENNINGS.) (GRISSOM takes out a black light and begins examining him from the back. NICK puts his CSI kit down.) Nick: Okay, make like a scarecrow for me, partner. (BENJAMIN JENNINGS doesn't move. NICK spreads his arms out to show him what he means. BENJAMIN JENNINGS copies him.) Nick: Arms out, away from your body. That's it. Stay just like that. (SARA crouches low on the ground to collect his shoe prints.) Sara: Give me your right foot. Other right. Put it down. Lift it up. (NICK checks out the front and begins collecting. GRISSOM finds something on his back.) Grissom: Hold still. (He finds a single strand of hair and holds it up.) Grissom: Possible secondary transfer ... Nick: Got some red fibers. Sara: Other foot. Lift it up. Put it down. (GRISSOM examines BENJAMIN JENNINGS' arms.) Grissom: No defensive wounds. No hematomas. Nick: Victim didn't fight back. Probably didn't see it coming. Grissom: Matthew ... tag that body for special processing, VIP room. Don't wash it till I get there, and don't touch his fingernails. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) - NIGHT] [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. MEDITERRANEAN HOTEL AND CASINO -- NIGHT] (WARRICK'S SUV stops outside the hotel. CATHERINE is holding a piece of paper and reading as she and WARRICK enter the hotel.) Catherine: "D.B. ... Mediterranean Casino ... Women's Spa." [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. MEDITERRANEAN HOTEL AND CASINO - LOCKER ROOM -- NIGHT] (BRASS is already there when WARRICK and CATHERINE enter the locker room area. BRASS meets them and they all start walking to the body.) Brass: Body is Shelley Danvers. DOB: 10/10/81. Employee walked in to get towels ... [SCENE_BREAK] Brass: ... found her here. [Clips of the crime scene from various perspectives flash in quick pulses. Flash to white: * Red spot on right thigh. Flash to white. * Magazine open on the floor. Flash to white. * View of victim on the locker bench. Flash to white.] Catherine: A young woman, healthy, just reading a magazine and all of a sudden she DFO'S? Brass: Done fell out. That's what the night manager says. (WARRICK turns his head and sees the Night Manager talking with an officer.) Warrick: Miss? (WARRICK approaches the Night Manager.) Kim Marita: (to officer) Excuse me. Warrick: We're from the Crime Lab. You found the deceased? Kim Marita: Yes, I was, um ... just getting some towels and I walked in and she was there. (CATHERINE looks at the body and notices the knot on the robe on the deceased.) Catherine: Hey, Brass ... you touch this body? Brass: Yeah, I was born yesterday. Catherine: Well, it looks as if the sash may have been tied by somebody else. Catherine: Miss ... you know anything about redressing the body? Kim Marita: Well, she was naked. I-I-I thought she should be covered Catherine: Did you move the body here, too? Kim Marita: Guests were looking in. I put a robe on her. It's not like it's a crime or anything. Catherine: Actually, it is. Warrick: Makes us doubt the circumstances surrounding the victim's death. (Camera holds on KIM MARITA'S concerned look.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - VIP ROOM] (SARA scrapes off something from the dead body's forehead.) Sara: Flour, maybe? Grissom: But what kind? All-purpose? Self-rising? Pastry? Sara: Trace will probably have a better idea. I'll get DNA to see if there's bits of Ben under the fingernails. Grissom: What about the neck? Any fibers in the wound? Sara: You told me to wait for you. Grissom: Well, that hasn't stopped you yet. Sara: I did observe some fibers in the wound. I didn't collect them, though. Grissom: Be my guest. (SARA picks up the fibers from the dead body's neck. Camera close up on the fibers.) Sara: Yellow. Not cotton; satin, maybe. (GRISSOM straightens and looks down at the body. He notices something.) Grissom: Dress shirt ... but no tie. Sara: Strangled with his own tie? Grissom: Find me on the flour. (GRISSOM leaves.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. MEDITERRANEAN HOTEL AND CASINO - RECEPTIONIST AREA] (A red-bordered bar scrolls down the spa's appointment list of names on the computer for that night.) [LIST OF NAMES: APPOINTMENT CLIENT] 06:10 pm Kimberly Fram 06:20 pm Natalie Elam 06:25 pm Mina Valdez 06:40 pm Charlotte Meridian 06:45 pm Jessica Long 07:15 pm Patsy Cambra 07:20 pm Arabella Perrin 07:30 pm Lea Anderson 07:45 pm Richna Jason 07:50 pm LillyMae Westerbrook 08:00 pm Shelley Danvers 08:20 pm Tami Payburn 08:20 pm Genisa Tamburiane 08:40 pm Maria Reyes Warrick: "Shelley Danvers" -- appointment 8:00. Catherine: Ms. Marita, did the deceased use the jacuzzi facilities this evening? Kim Marita: Not that I remember, no. (A gurney clangs as the coroner's office removes the body.) What? You don't believe me? Warrick: Well, you lied to us before. Catherine: It's, uh, not uncommon to drown in a jacuzzi. Hair gets caught in the whirl a person gets dragged under. The hotel wouldn't be considered unsafe. Kim Marita: Well, that didn't happen here. She did not drown on these premises. Warrick: Well, if she did, the coroner would find water in her lungs but it'd be worse hearing it from him than from you. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - FORENSIC AUTOPSY] Robbins: Oliver Dunne. Corporate lawyer. Father of two. Grissom: You get all that from his ... uh ... dentals? Robbins: His wife-- widow. She came down to I.D. His property. Grissom: .380s? Robbins: Last one I recovered entered through his abdominals ... (CGI POV flash to white as the bullet penetrates an x-ray black & white replication of the body. Resume to present. Camera on GRISSOM.) Robbins: (V.O.) ... pierced the liver, lodged in the oblique. Grissom: That's not what killed him, is it? We pulled a yellow fiber out of the neck wound. I think it's from his tie. Robbins: You might be right. He died of asphyxiation. Tie probably closed the windpipe. (White flash to CGI POV as an x-ray bluish-white replication of a hand grasping a neck. Sounds of a person choking. Camera moves up the body through the mouth, down the throat, through the windpipe, into the lungs to a magnification of red and black colored air sacs. End of CGI POV. Resume on ROBBINS.) Robbins: Without oxygen, the alveoli capillaries wither and dry up. Whole pulmonary system shut down. What you may have here is the smallest sliver of the murder weapon. Grissom: Why would a guy shoot a man three times and then strangle him with his own tie? (SARA enters holding the file folder with the results of the flour test.) Sara: I cannot tell you why, but I might be able to tell you where. A pizza shop. The flour on Oliver Dunne has a low gluten content -- seven percent protein -- it's typical of flour used to make cakes, pizzas, that kind of thing. Grissom: So, why did you rule out bakeries? Sara: Well, the subtype of flour is another subtype -- double zero. It's a very fine flour used only in pizza-baking ovens. Oh, and trace picked up some oregano in the sample. When are you set to interview Ben? (Camera holds on GRISSOM.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - INTERROGATION ROOM] Brass: You're the registered owner of a Lorcin .380. Takes the same caliber bullet as the slugs we took out of the victim. So, I'm going to ask you one more time. Where's your gun? Benjamin Jennings: I lost it. Brass: Do you think we believe that? Do you think ... Grissom: Are you employed, Ben? Benjamin Jennings: Yeah... yeah, um ... it's a place called Dante's Pizzeria. It's behind the Strato'. Grissom: You make pizzas? Benjamin Jennings: Well, I deliver the pizzas. It's too hot back there with all the ovens and stuff. Grissom: Do you, uh ... ever come into contact with the baking flour at Dante's? Benjamine Jennings: Mostly pizza boxes. Why? Grissom: Well, 'cause we found flour on the victim and it's the kind that's used to make pizza. Can you explain that? Benjamin Jennings: No. Grissom: Ben, why don't you earn yourself some points by telling me what the science is going to tell me anyway? Benjamin Jennings: Well, I don't have to talk. Grissom: No ... but we're going to figure it out. Benjamin Jennings: Look, if you know so much about these murders what do you need me for? Grissom: Murders? There are more bodies? (Camera holds on BENJAMIN JENNINGS.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. LAS VEGAS DESERT -- NIGHT] (GRISSOM, NICK, SARA and a group of other officers start sweeping the area where OLIVER DUNNE'S body was found. NICK is pushing a GeoRadar Inc. machine. SARA walks next to him holding a laptop that shows the various items being scanned by the machine. As it approaches various items, the laptop beeps.) Nick: I feel like I'm mowing a lawn. Sara: What is that? A beer can? Soda can? Nick: Zilch. Sara: Zilch. Nick: Don't tell me, more zilch? (On SARA'S laptop, the figure of a hand appears.) Sara: Whoa... whoa. Point of disturbance. Grissom: Hold up. (More arm and body appears on the radar's screen.) Grissom: Isolate it. (Finally, we definitely see the shape of a person's head. They've definitely found a body.) Sara: Grissom ... (GRISSOM turns around to look at BENJAMIN JENNINGS standing off in the distance with SGT. O'RILEY and three officers. His face is grim. He makes his way back to BENJAMIN JENNINGS and stops behind him.) Grissom: Any more bodies you want to tell me about? Benjamin Jennings: (shakes head) No. Grissom: We're going to radar this whole hillside. (BENJAMIN JENNINGS nods his head.) Grissom: (softly) Sometimes ... when I leave a crime scene where I've been particularly involved with a dead body, I sit in my car and it hits me -- how close I was ... how heavy the body is ... the texture of the body ... how it feels... you know? (GRISSOM leaves to go back to the site and stops when BENJAMIN JENNINGS speaks.) Benjamin Jennings: Mr. Grissom ... I'm not a bad person. (GRISSOM turns around.) Grissom: You're not a bad person? (BENJAMIN JENNINGS shakes his head.) Grissom: Then, what are you? (GRISSOM turns and walks away.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI -- HALLWAY] (CATHERINE enters and sees DAVID PHILLIPS pushing a gurney toward her down the hallway.) Catherine: Oh, I hope that's Shelley Danvers the woman from the hotel spa. David Phillips: Yep, she's next. Catherine: Well, it's about time. You guys finished with day-shift runover, huh? (DAVID pushes the gurney into the Forensic Autopsy Room. CATHERINE follows him into the room.) David Phillips: I hate it when you CSI guys get territorial. [INT. CSI - FORENSIC AUTOPSY - DAY -- CONTINUOUS] Catherine: Yeah, well, the victims' families hate it when we don't. Robbins: I'll take it from here, David. Catherine: Good morning. Robbins: Catherine. (ROBBINS lifts up the sheet covering SHELLEY DANVERS.) Robbins: No serosanguineous fluid expunged from the mouth or nose. Catherine: She didn't drown? Robbins: Rules out your jacuzzi theory. Catherine: Anything probative? Robbins: Bright red lividity extending down the body. Catherine: From? Robbins: Well, heatstroke possibly. Stroke could cause multiple organ failure and if I'm right ... Catherine: ... cover-up. (CATHERINE walks out of the room.) Robbins: Hey, I still have to do the post. Catherine? [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - HALLWAY JUST OUTSIDE FORENSIC AUTOPSY - MORNING -- CONTINUOUS] (CATHERINE pulls out her cell phone and dials.) Catherine: Brass, I need you to get records from that hotel spa -- a warrant, if we need it. Yep, that's right. Bye. (She hangs up just as WARRICK walks to meet her. He turns around when he catches up with CATHERINE.) Warrick: Oh, it's on. Catherine: Yeah. Was our girl staying with anyone at that hotel? Warrick: Uh, yeah. Tina ... Tina Kolas. Best friends from Terre Haute, Indiana. Flew here in a package. Why? Catherine: We need someone to give us the truth about last night. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. LAS VEGAS DESERT -- MORNING] (The body is being excavated from the site. NICK is inside the hole with the body and is using a shovel to remove the dirt. GRISSOM stands up above with SARA and other Foresnic personnel. SARA is sifting the dirt around the site looking for evidence. Behind them, FATHER POWELL approaches.) Father Powell: Gil Grissom? Grissom: Father? Father Powell: Benjamin's a member of my parish. The officer won't let me talk to him. He said you were in charge. Grissom: Of this crime scene. Father Powell: He needs spiritual guidance. (GRISSOM glances over at BENJAMIN JENNINGS in handcuffs standing by the police cars with two officers. He glances back down at the dead body and looks back up at FATHER POWELL.) Grissom: Yeah, I imagine he does. Father Powell: Ah ... then you'd have no problem with my talking to him. Grissom: It's the 11th hour. I wouldn't expect anything less. Father Powell: Eleventh hour? Grissom: When the reality of their actions set in, they usually turn to religion. Father Powell: Can you think of a better time? (GRISSOM watches as FATHER POWELL walks away to talk with BENJAMIN JENNINGS. GRISSOM turns around and looks at NICK'S progress.) Grissom: Okay, hold it. That's enough. Let's dust him. (NICK puts the shovel aside. SARA puts her stuff aside and grabs the camera. She begins to photograph the body.) Nick: No ligature marks. Sara: Different from the first guy. Grissom: See if this laceration on this guy's forehead is consistent with the kid's shovel. Nick: Hey ... I feel a wallet here. (NICK pulls out the wallet from the dead body's front pocket and under some folded cash, removes a NEVADA DRIVER LICENSE with the following information: ) (on left) 180063222900 (numbers on right over photo id) 050492 R360021 RAMIREZ, KENNY 2672 W. 6TH STREET LAS VEGAS, NV 89109 (class) C (endorse) blank (???) A (s*x) M (height) 5-09 (weight) 180 (hair) BRN (eyes) BRN (dob) 10/30/76 (expiration date) 10/30/02 Nick: Ramirez Kenny. A 25-year-old Latino and a 42-year-old white guy? Sara: Strangers. Doesn't make sense. There's no connection. Grissom: Well, it obviously wasn't a robbery. (SGT. O'RILEY approaches.) Sgt. O'Riley: Hey. Nick: Hey, O'Riley. What's the matter, man? A/C not working? Sgt. O'Riley: I was on with dispatch. Oliver Dunne's car was just found by the highway patrol abandoned at an Avcon station off 215. Grissom: They didn't happen to find another car there, did they? Sgt. O'Riley: Yeah. Registered to a "Ramirez." Nick: Yeah ... gas station. (SARA helps NICK out of the ditch, then puts her camera down. They're off to the gas station. GRISSOM bends in low to look at the body.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) - DAY] [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. MEDITERRANEAN HOTEL] Catherine: And you can verify that when Shelley went to the hotel spa last night, she was going to use the dry sauna? Tina Kolas: We'd been drinking apple martinis for, like, three days straight. Shelley said the sauna would detox her you know, clean her out. Warrick: Cath. Whose shirt is this? (WARRICK holds up a pink-colored blouse ripped in the middle.) Tina Kolas: Mine. Shelley and I got in a fight over it. Warrick: When? Tina Kolas: Yesterday. I caught her trying it on and I said "give it back," and then we started fighting over it, you know, tug of war and the whole thing ripped right in two. We fell back laughing. (Quick flashback to the two girls tugging on the shirt. The shirt ripping, and the two girls laughing. End of flashback. Resume on TINA KOLAS.) Tina Kolas: I'd give anything to have her back. Warrick: We're going to take this shirt, if you don't mind. Tina Kolas: No, go ahead, if it'll help. Catherine: You said you have proof that Shelley used the dry sauna. Tina Kolas: She called down from this phone. Do they tape phone calls here? Catherine: Hotel surveillance would love that. You're sure she used that phone to make the appointment? Tina Kolas: Yeah. (CATHERINE picks up the note pad on the desk next to the phone. She hands it to WARRICK. It's a blank typical complimentary hotel note pad with light blue logo, name and address of the hotel on it.) [MEDITERRANEAN HOTEL & CASINO 436 PYRAMID WAY, LAS VEGAS NV (89108) and (702)555-.... ] Warrick: We're going to take this as well. Tina Kolas: Okay... but it doesn't have anything on it. Warrick: Well, that's okay. We do magic. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. AVCON GAS STATION OFF 215 -- DAY] Sara: Two men were shot and killed and you didn't see anything? Kirk (Avcon Attendant): Sorry. Nick: You don't just miss something like that. What was going on? Kirk: A friend of mine came with his new car. We took it for a drive. I'm afraid my boss will find out. I was only gone five minutes. Nick: Okay, all right. Just-just walk us through it. When did you know there'd been a crime committed? Kirk: Well, my buddy dropped me back here and I noticed these two cars. I went to check them out. (Quick flashback to KIRK walking toward the two cars near the gas pump island. Both driver side doors are open. He reaches the first car and shuts the driver's door close. He looks around and doesn't see anyone. He does, however, notice a puddle of blood on the ground.) Kirk: Oh, my god. (End of flashback. Resume present.) Nick: I don't see any blood. Kirk: Yeah, I hosed it down. Sara: You what? Kirk: It was freakin' me out. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - GARAGE -- DAY] (Through the plastic sheeting, we see FATHER POWELL enter the CSI Garage. GRISSOM is under the sheeting examining BENJAMIN JENNINGS' car. FATHER POWELL approaches the car and puts his hands on the plastic sheeting to see who's inside the car.) Father Powell: H-hello? Mr. Grissom? (FATHER POWELL lifts up the plastic sheeting and walks underneath it.) Father Powell: Uh ... they told me out front I'd find you here. Grissom: I don't see your, uh ... visitor's badge. Father Powell: Priest's collar. People trust it. (Off GRISSOM'S look) Most people. Even ... lapsed catholics. Grissom: What makes you think, uh ... I was ever a catholic? Father Powell: First time we met, you called me "Father." Only Romans do that. Everybody else, it's "Reverend" or "Minister." I wanted to know how your investigation against Ben is going. Grissom: This is his car. You know, you really shouldn't be here. Father Powell: I didn't come here to tamper with your evidence. (GRISSOM puts his goggles back on and starts spraying luminol in the car's front passenger seat. As he sprays, the blood evidence begins to glow in the light. GRISSOM collects it.) Father Powell: He was a good kid, all through school still comes to mass every Sunday. If he has a problem ... it's trying to please people. Grissom: Is that a problem? Father Powell: It can be. (GRISSOM opens the back door of the Bronco and begins spraying. As he sprays, he recites. FATHER POWELL peers in to see the results.) Grissom: This luminol reveals dried blood. (The blood evidence begins to glow. There's blood all over the back seat. FATHER POWELL looks shocked at the evidence he sees.) Father Powell: He wouldn't do this. Grissom: I believe the car. Father Powell: "To whom much is given, much will be expected." [Quote Note: "But he that knew not, and did commit things worthy of stripes, shall be beaten with few [stripes]. For unto whomsoever much is given, of him shall be much required; and to whom men have committed much, of him they will ask the more." ~Luke 12:48 (KJV)] Father Powell: I leave you to your work. (FATHER POWELL leaves.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT MEDITERRANEAN HOTEL & CASINO - WOMEN'S SPA - RECEPTION AREA -- DAY] Kim Marita: I told you we have no record Shelley Danvers specifically used the dry sauna. (CATHERINE opens a Las Vegas Metropolitan Police Department Evidence folder with the following information: (Date) 10-25-01, (Time) 08:05 and (Number) 48913-5B. She pulls out the note pad taken from SHELLEY DANVERS' room.) Catherine: That's okay, 'cause we do. ESDA can read this blank paper ... see what's written on it. Up to 14 layers. Warrick: Sometimes a simple flashlight will do the trick. (WARRICK pulls out a flashlight and uses it on the pad. We see the following: SAUNA - 8:00 PM.) Catherine: That's Miss Danvers' handwriting. We confirm that. Kim Marita: So she took a dry sauna. What does that prove? Warrick: She died of a heat stroke. The coroner just called in with the results of his final post. Your sauna's kept in the optimal condition for heat stroke -- 182 degrees. (Quick CGI POV flash to a hand on a thermostat temperature dial twisting it to the right. End of CGI POV. Resume on KIM MARITA.) (BRASS walks in.) Warrick: That could kill a person if you left them longer than two straight hours. Brass: Especially if no one checks up on them. A hotel employee is supposed to check on the various saunas every 15 minutes. Hotel regulations, right? We, uh, we got a copy of the check-up sheet. (Camera holds on KIM MARITA'S look.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. MEDITERRANEAN HOTE AND CASINO - WOMEN'S SPA - SAUNA ROOM] (BRASS walks into the sauna. WARRICK, CATHERINE and KIM MARITA follow.) Brass: No hotel employee checked in on the sauna after 7:30 P.M. Catherine: So, Shelley was in here from 8:00 until ... what time did you call 9-1-1? (KIM MARITA sighs.) Kim Marita: I, um ... I came in at closing. 10:00. (Quick flashback to SHELLEY DANVERS in the sauna sitting on the bench propped up against the wall. KIM MARITA reaches out to nudge the woman when she falls over.) Kim Marita: Miss? Miss? Oh, my god. (Flash to white. End of flashback. Resume on CATHERINE and WARRICK.) Catherine: You moved her into the locker room? Put the robe on her? Kim Marita: I was just trying to protect the hotel. Catherine: From negligent homicide. Kim Marita: They drill into us that the reputation of this hotel is everything. (Camera holds on CATHERINE.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - LAB-- DAY] (NICK and SARA report back to GRISSOM.) Nick: Murder scene was compromised. Sara: Pump jockey wasn't very helpful but bullets pulled from victim one and victim two. (SARA puts the two plastic baggies in front of GRISSOM.) Sara (cont.): Identical striations. Bullets in both victims were fired by the exact same weapon. Nick: A Lorcin .380. The same pistol registered to a Benjamin Jennings. (NICK hands a copy of the pistol registration to GRISSOM.) Sara: P.D. Can prove through credit cards that Ben frequents the AvCon gas stations where both vics were killed. (GRISSOM sits down.) Nick: And we can prove he transported those bodies in his vehicle based on the blood you found. Sara: And fibers. (Quick flashback to SARA collecting fibers off the body. SARA pulling off the sock from the victim's left foot. SARA lifting the fibers off of that sock. White flash to End of flashback.) Sara: I recovered a burgundy fiber from the sock of victim one. Found the same fiber on the sock of victim two. Nick: We I.D'd the fibers using the FTIR. It's a polymer commonly used in vehicle carpeting. Sara: So we went back to Ben's car. (Quick flashback to NICK cutting out a sample from BENJAMIN JENNINGS' car. SARA looking at the sample. End of flashback. Resume to present.) Nick: They're identical. Sara: We got the master standards from the car manufacturer. The assigned name for the material is "12-ounce Merlot-Poly." Nick: Bottom line ... he killed them. Grissom: Good work, you guys. Very good. But you haven't proved murder. You've proved burial. Nick: Excuse me? Sara: Victim blood on his clothes ... Under his nails. Grissom: From burying them. Nick: Victim blood in his car? Grissom: He transported them. Show me the gun with Ben's prints on it. Gun shot residue, the ligature, the ... Sara: ... The holes in Christ's hands, Doubting Thomas? Grissom: Yes. Empirical evidence. St. Thomas was ahead of us all. Sara: Does this have anything to do with the priest that's been coming around here? Grissom: No. It has to do with the evidence. Nick: It's our job to present the D.A. with the best evidence possible. Let a jury decide. Anything else, we're playing judge. The evidence doesn't get any better than this. (GRISSOM looks at NICK and SARA. Though he has his hesitations, GRISSOM relents.) Grissom: Okay. Ship it. Show it to the D.A. Nick: Right. (NICK starts collecting the evidence on the table. Camera holds on GRISSOM'S concerned look.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT -- HALLWAY] (WARRICK and CATHERINE are headed home. They walk down the hallway toward BRASS who waits by the counter. He's just gotten off the phone.) Brass: Anyone up for breakfast? (CATHERINE passes BRASS.) Catherine: I'm up for a shower and tucking my daughter in. (WARRICK slaps BRASS on the shoulder as he, too, heads out the hallway.) Warrick: Football-- wide-screen. (BRASS sighs.) Brass: Well, I guess I'll go see Tina alone. Hotel tells me she's down playing quarter slots. (Both intrigued at BRASS' remark, CATHERINE and WARRICK turn around.) Catherine: I thought we solved this case. What'd you get? Brass: Well, my guy in the hotel lounge tells me that Tina and Shelley were having a catfight over some dude named Jeremy the day she died. That's probably how the shirt really got ripped. Catherine: Don't ring her bell till we re-examine our case. (CATHERINE and WARRICK head back to work.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI -- LAB] (GRISSOM is at the laptop doing background checks on the suspect. NICK is standing in front of the screen on the wall.) Nick: Misunderstood the priest? How? Grissom: I looked deeper into the evidence. I should have looked deeper into Ben's character. (COMPUTER SCREEN READS the following: ) [ FELONY RECORD Name: Benjamin Corey Jennings DOB: 2/3/76 s*x: M Race: Caucasian height: 5'9" or 5'8"? weight: 162 or 165? eyes: blue hair: brown [SCENE_BREAK] LVMP: Las Vegas CMT: DV [alpha-numeric #] NRS 205.275 Receiving Stolen Property Current Status: paroled Dispo: Completed Sent: 2 years Suspended, Community Service Employment: Dante's Pizza 24558 Desert Way Known Associates: None. No prior criminal history. [SCENE_BREAK] Address: 397? ???hill Rd. ???? Las Vegas, NV 89107 ] Nick: "Benjamin Corey Jennings." Nonviolent crimes. (GRISSOM pulls up a second computer screen with the following information: ) [ FELONY RECORD Name: Roger Jennings DOB: 10/27/74 s*x: M race: caucasian height: 5'8" weight: 170 eyes: blue hair: blond [SCENE_BREAK] LVMP: Las Vegas CMT: DV: [alpha-numeric #] NRS 29.03 Armed Robbery Current Status: paroled 09/27/2000 Dispo: Completed Employment: Dante's Pizza 29538 Desert Way Past Convictions: Breaking and Entering Assault with Great Bodily Harm [SCENE_BREAK] Address: 493 Briar Way #??? Las Vegas, NV 89123? ] Nick: "Roger Jennings ... armed robbery. Past convictions, breaking and entering. Assault with Great Bodily Harm. Paroled 9/27/2000." (GRISSOM stands and leaves.) Nick: This guy is hard-core. He's looking at his third strike here. (NICK notices that GRISSOM left. He turns back to look at the screen in front of him. SARA enters the room. NICK looks concerned.) Sara: What's going on? (NICK turns around and sighs. He looks at the door where GRISSOM just left.) Nick: You know how we pushed him to file on Ben? Sara: Yeah. Nick: We might have been wrong. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT HOLDING CELL] (GRISSOM is sitting on the chair outside the jail holding cell. SGT. O'RILEY is standing on the side. BENJAMIN JENNINGS sits in the cell.) Grissom: (quietly) Tell me about your brother. We know that you only buried the bodies. So, what happened? Did he threaten you? (BENJAMIN JENNINGS shakes his head and says nothing.) Grissom: (prompting) Ben? (Tears run down BEN'S face. Still, he says nothing.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. DANTE'S PIZZA -- KITCHEN] (GRISSOM and SGT. O'RILEY approach ROGER JENNINGS in the kitchen. ROGER JENNINGS is rolling pizza dough.) Grissom: Did you learn to throw pizzas in prison, Roger? Roger Jennings: Who the hell are you guys? Get out of my kitchen. Sgt. O'Riley: "Roger Jennings -- armed robbery, breaking and entering." You sound like the kind of guy it wouldn't be a big jump to murder. Roger Jennings: Hey, what is this? (SGT. O'RILEY throws two photos on the table. The top photo is of Oliver Dunne and the injuries on his abdomen.) Sgt. O'Riley: Your first stop the AvCon gas station. See these two guys? (ROGER JENNINGS pushes the photos away from him. With barely a glance, he continues to knead the pizza dough.) Roger Jennings: Nope. Don't know what you're talking about. My little brother got me this job. I'm staying clean. Sgt. O'Riley: Suppose I told you your brother said you did these guys. (ROGER JENNINGS stops kneading the dough and looks at GRISSOM. GRISSOM meets his gaze.) Roger Jennings: Ben wouldn't do that. (ROGER slowly continues to knead the dough.) Grissom: You did it directly after work using a .380 pistol and then you strangled one of the victims with his own tie. (ROGER JENNINGS takes a breath. He looks at GRISSOM.) Roger Jennings: Ben did it. Grissom: Did you witness this? Roger Jennings: He told me about it. (Quick flashback of BENJAMIN JENNINGS in a panic. Cut to two dead bleeding bodies in the back of BEN'S bronco.) Benjamin Jennings: Look what I did -- I just lost my head. What am I supposed to do now? Roger: I'm on a short line, all right? You're on your own, Ben. Benjamin Jennings: Roger, you've got to help me. Roger: You know I can't. What am I going to do? Huh? It's your mess. You got to deal with it. (Flash to white. End of flashback. Resume on ROGER JENNINGS.) Sgt. O'Riley: (o.s.) What started the beef with the victims? Roger: I don't know. Tempers, I guess. (Quick flashback to KENNY RAMIREZ pumping gas. From across the way, BENJAMIN JENNINGS gets out of his car and approaches KENNY RAMIREZ, yelling.) Benjamin Jennings: Hey! Hey, man! I was here first. You want to wait your turn? Kenny Ramirez: What are you going to do, huh? (KENNY RAMIREZ pushes BENJAMIN JENNINGS who falls back against his car. He reaches into the waistband of his jeans and pulls out a pistol and fires three shots at KENNY RAMIREZ.) (Flash to white. Resume to present. Camera on ROGER JENNINGS.) Roger: Bystander gets a little too nosy ... (he shrugs) (Quick flashback to OLIVER DUNNE getting out of his car and witnessing the murder with a shocked look on his face. BENJAMIN JENNINGS turns to look at OLIVER DUNNE. He then shoots him, too. End of flashback. Resume to present. Camera on ROGER JENNINGS.) Roger: ... and he gets it, too. (GRISSOM nods at the story.) Grissom: The perpetrator's hands left flour on the victim's face. This is not from a gunshot. This was something a little more intimate. (Quick flashback to ROGER JENNINGS approaching the wounded OLIVER DUNNE, ripping the man's tie from off his shirt, twisting it around his hands, and wrapping it around OLIVER DUNNE'S neck. OLIVER DUNNE expels his final breath. End of Flashback. Resume to GRISSOM.) Grissom: When a person changes his mode of murder from pistol to ligature it's for one of two reasons - entertainment ... or necessity. Which was it for you? Roger: Neither. I told you, Ben strangled that guy. Grissom: The flour said you did. Roger: I don't know what you're talking about. (ROGER JENNINGS turns back to his pizza dough. Camera holds on ROGER JENNINGS look.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. ROGER JENNINGS' TRAILER -- NIGHT] (SARA and NICK walk across the way toward ROGER JENNINGS' trailer.) Sara: Anything on the list besides the tie? Nick: Nope. (They approach the two officers standing outside.) Sara: Hey, guys. Nick: Hey, guys. You can go ahead and take off. I think we got it. Officers: Thanks. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. ROGER JENNINGS' TRAILER - NIGHT -- CONTINUOUS] (SARA opens the trailer door and enters. NICK is right behind her.) Sara: Whoa. (SARA looks around and finds some dry cleaning.) Sara: Hey. Dry cleaning. The trailer's low-rent. Dry cleaning's expensive. (SARA checks out the clothes. They find a spot of blood.) Nick: Sara? Sara: This man's not as smart as he thinks. Dry cleaning bakes in blood stains. Nick: Could be red sauce. Sara: Oh, now you're cautious. Nick: I'm just trying to put our mistake to good use. Sara: Okay. You check the perimeter and I'll see if we have blood stains or red sauce. Nick: Okay. (NICK leaves the trailer to check outside. SARA puts the dry cleaning down to get her stuff from her kit.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. ROGER JENNINGS' TRAILER- NIGHT -- CONTINUOUS] (NICK walks out of the trailer and looks around. Doing a visual sweep of the place, he finds a canister of burned rubbish. NICK walks to the can to check it out. He grabs the thick wooden stick in the can and begins poking through the ash and burnt materials.) INTERCUT WITH: [INT. ROGER JENNINGS' TRAILER - CONTINUOUS] (SARA opens her kit. She uses a scissors and cuts out a small triangular-shaped sample of the questionable area. She takes that sample and puts it in a test tube.) [SCENE_BREAK] (Meanwhile, NICK uses the stick to swish through the ash and rubbish. He finds something.) [SCENE_BREAK] (SARA conducts her test.) Sara: Hemoglobin. (louder) Take a look at this. (SARA doesn't get a response from NICK. She puts the cap on the test tube and puts it aside to go find NICK. She grabs her flashlight and stands.) Sara: Nick? [SCENE_BREAK] (SARA exits the trailer just as NICK lifts out his find from the trash.) Sara: Hey, Nick. (SARA approaches NICK and sees what he sees. It's the missing murder weapon.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT -- JAIL] (The jail doors open. An officer leads ROGER JENNINGS into the area. He's followed by SGT. O'RILEY and GRISSOM. BENJAMIN JENNINGS watches as his brother walks by. ROGER JENNINGS looks up at BEN. Their eyes meet as they two brothers pass each other. Camera holds on BEN.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI -- BALLISTICS LAB] (A gunshot is heard. A bullet breaks the surface of the water. A second gunshot is fired. The third shot is stuck.) (GRISSOM is conducting the ballistics test on the gun. He manages to get a sample before the gun jams. Through the wire cage, NICK watches.) Nick: Looks like it jammed, huh? Get anything instructive? Grissom: (fiddling with the gun) Possibly. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI -- LAB] Greg: Blood from Jennings's denim shirt. (GREG pulls the results sheet off the printer and hands it to SARA.) Sara: Is the printer out of ink? (reading) "ND, ND, ND." Greg: It means "None Detected." The dry cleaning baked in the blood and it also degraded it to a degree that I just can't get a result. Sara: (insistent) Try again. This could be victim blood. Try again. Greg: I have tried. It's chemically impossible, Sara. Nothing from nothing is nothing. (GREG hands SARA the test results. SARA leaves.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - LAB] (Under a microscope, two different bullets are being compared side-by-side. It's obvious that they don't match.) Bobby Dawson: The striaions are different. See? (BOBBY DAWSON stands and moves away from the scope, allowing GRISSOM to compare the bullets himself. NICK is also in the room, standing on the side, listening to the results of the comparison.) Bobby Dawson: There's no way I can say that the bullets taken from the victims were fired by Jennings's gun. Grissom: So, he altered the barrel somehow. (SARA walks into the room just in time to hear the final conclusion.) Bobby Dawson: Yeah. Changed how the bullet relates to the barrel so when the bullet emerges, its fine stria are altered. (CGI POV of the bullet emerging from the barrel of the gun and rubbing the sides of the barrel on its way out. End of CGI POV. Resume to present.) Nick: Any idea what he used? (Flash to white. CGI POV of ROGER JENNINGS using a tool and rubbing the tool in the gun barrel. Cut to close up of the tool from the inside of the gun. End CGI POV. Resume on BOBBY DAWSON.) Bobby Dawson: Whatever it was ... did the job. Sara: My evidence is no better. Total loss. Nick: We present this to the D.A. Grissom: Unfortunately, we've had this discussion before. Nick: The guilty brother's going to walk. (GRISSOM leaves the room.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - JAIL HOLDING CELLS] (The bars slide open and ROGER JENNINGS is allowed out of the holding cell. He is accompanied by an officer.) (A property bag is given to ROGER JENNINGS. He takes out his chain and puts it around his neck. BENJAMIN JENNINGS watches in the background, bewildered at the turn of events. ROGER JENNINGS glances over at BENJAMIN, he grabs his things and leaves. On his way out the door, he passes GRISSOM.) Roger Jennings: He's never been in any real trouble before. They'll go easy on him. (ROGER JENNINGS walks out the door.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - HALLWAY] (GRISSOM follows ROGER JENNINGS out the doorway and into the hallway. He leans against the doorway.) Grissom: The bullet jammed in the feed, didn't it? (Quick Flashback to ROGER JENNINGS pointing and firing the gun at the victim. Cut to a close up of the pistol jamming. Cut to ROGER JENNINGS using the tie to suffocate OLIVER DUNNE. Flash to white. Resume on GRISSOM.) Grissom: So, it was necessity. (ROGER JENNINGS doesn't say anything. He smiles and then he walks away. Camera holds on GRISSOM'S grim look.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) -- NIGHT] [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. MEDITERRANEAN HOTEL ROOM] Tina Kolas: Wait, are you saying Shelley didn't die in the sauna? Warrick: She died of heat stroke. Catherine: But the stroke covered up an underlying medical catastrophe. Tina Kolas: Like what? Shell was always healthy. Catherine: She went into anaphylactic shock. Coroner says some of the indicators are the same as a stroke: renal failure, cerebral edema. Warrick: We missed it until Captain Brass brought your room service records to our attention. Tina Kolas: I don't understand. Brass: Well, maybe this will help - (BRASS opens a file he's holding. The paper inside contains the following information: ) [EMERGENCY CONTACT: MR. DANVERS (812) 555 ... RELATIONSHIP: FATHER MEDICATIONS: NONE ALLERGIES TO PRESCRIPTION DRUGS: ALLERGIC REACTIONS TO FOOD: SHELLFISH, ... OTHER ALLERGIES: NONE EMERGENCY INFORMATION FOR: T. KOLAS ] Brass: The travel agency contract you and Shelley signed. Under "allergic reactions to foods" for Shelley Danvers -- shellfish. Warrick: As her best friend, you would know that. Brass: And then we have this from the hotel computer for your room 7:01 P.M., On the day: "A Taste From the Sea a lovely tureen of mild bisque with pureed bits of Maine lobster." Pureed, two bowls. She didn't know what she was eating when it arrived, did she? Catherine: Because she didn't order it; you did. Catherine: We've got a machine known as the ESDA machine which can read pen imprints. (CGI POV to the ESDA machine gliding over the paper. Flash to white. Brush dusting the paper. Close up of the paper reveals the following information: ) "ROOM SERVICE EXT 219" (Resume to present. Catherine holds the notepad paper out and shows the following to TINA KOLAS.) "JEREMY DRINKS 10" Catherine: Well, the machine isolated this. "Jeremy, drinks, 10:00." Shelley made that date. That's her handwriting. Were you in the room when Jeremy call? Tina Kolas: I answered the phone. He asked for her. Warrick: You killed her over a guy you two met at a bar? Tina Kolas: I didn't mean to kill her. I thought that she would just have an allergic reaction and she wouldn't be able to make her date that night, you know ... like, get hives or something. Catherine: Well, her allergy kicked in in the sauna under the worst possible conditions -- (White flashback to SHELLEY DANVERS in the sauna gasping for breath. End of flashback. Resume on WARRICK.) Catherine: (V.O.) ... trachea... larynx ... tongue swelled. Warrick: Her pressure got so low her blood quit running through her organs. They shut down. (TINA KOLAS slowly sits on the bed, overcome with grief at what she has done.) Tina Kolas: I didn't even like the guy. I just ... I didn't want to be left out. Brass: Miss Kolas, you're under arrest. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - GRISSOM'S OFFICE] Sara: Hey. D.A.'S looking for you. Grissom: About? (SARA hands GRISSOM a note.) Sara: What, you think I read your messages? Paula Francis: (in background on tv) Wall street Analysts, though, say stocks ... Good investments for the long term. Sara: "Top Secret" and "Urgent"? It's a gift, reading upside down. (Both are distracted by the television news.) Paula Francis (TV Anchorwoman): The Las Vegas District Attorney is reportedly preparing to file homicide charges against Benjamin Corey Jennings in the so-called Burial Murders Case. Jennings has been in police custody for the last ... Sara: Guess we know what she was calling about. Paula Francis: ...Since he was caught burying the first victim, Oliver Dunne in the national forest. (GRISSOM puts down his food and leaves the room.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. DISTRICT ATTORNEY'S OFFICE -- DAY] Robin Childs (district attorney): Don't you have enough cases over at CSI now you're going to start telling me which ones I should take to court? Grissom: There isn't one piece of evidence that says that kid was even present at the murders. Robin Childs: As a matter of fact that is why I was hunting you. Jennings brought it in about an hour ago. Chain of custody; I can't touch it. The first victim was ligatured, right? (ROBIN CHILDS pushes an envelope on her desk toward GRISSOM. GRISSOM opens the envelope and pulls out the missing tie used to strangle OLIVER DUNNE.) Robin Childs: Jennings says his little brother asked him to hide the tie. Grissom: Well, how convenient. The older brother brings it in explaining why his epithelials are all over the murder weapon. Robin Childs: A jury doesn't understand epi-whatevers, okay? They understand a twisty tie and blood all over Ben's car seat. Grissom: He set up his brother. Robin Childs: Oh, come on, Grissom, they're both part of it and if I can get one of them, I will. Grissom: He's a good kid, Robin. He hero-worships his brother, but he's a good kid. Robin Childs: Yeah? Then his epithelials shouldn't be on that tie. You'd better check with your lab. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - INTERROGATION ROOM] (A photograph of the injuries on OLIVER DUNNE'S neck hits the table.) Grissom: Explain how bits of your skin got on the ligature used to strangle that victim. Benjamin Jennings: I don't know. (A second photograph of the tie hits the table. BENJAMIN JENNINGS picks it up.) Grissom: Your brother brought this in to the district attorney. Benjamin Jennings: What? Sgt. O'Riley: He's framing you. Grissom: Unless you can tell us how your epithelials got on that tie. Benjamin Jennings: I don't know. I swear I don't know. I ... he ... I just picked up the bodies at his place. (Quick flashback to BENJAMIN and ROGER standing by the car. ROGER slams the back door closed after putting the bodies in. Roger Jennings: Grab that guy's tie, little bro. I like that thing. (BENJAMIN JENNINGS removes OLIVER DUNNE'S tie from his body. He hands it to ROGER JENNINGS.) Bury them deep, all right? You get into any trouble you don't have to say anything, all right? I'm counting on you, man. Benjamin Jennings: Yeah, yeah, man, I'm there all the way. Roger Jennings: Go, get out of here. Go on. (End of flashback. Resume on SGT. O'RILEY.) Sgt. O'Riley: I got to ask you ... how does somebody bury two bodies as a favor? Benjamin Jennings: 'Cause he's my brother. (panicking) He told ... He told me that if I didn't talk to you guys and if he didn't talk, then this would all just blow over; it'd all just go away. Sgt. O'Riley: You're looking at two counts of murder, special circumstances. The best you can hope for is life without parole. (BENJAMIN JENNINGS starts to cry.) Benjamin Jennings: I don't ... I don't think I can do that kind of time. Grissom: Do you have any physical evidence linking your brother to the murders? Anything? (BENJAMIN shakes his head ... no.) (Camera holds on GRISSOM.) [SCENE_BREAK] (Quick pulses of a series of legal forms with court proceeding sounds in the background. Sounds of a judge speaking ... a gavel pounding ... and words such as "guity" and "life" are heard as the forms flash one by one in front of us.) LEGAL FORM 1 SUPERIOR COURT CLARK COUNTY IN THE STATE OF NEVADA People of the State of Nevada, Plaintiff, vs. Benjamin Corey Jennings, Defendant FLASH TO WHITE. LEGAL FORM 2 JUSTICE COURT, GOODSPRINGS TOWNSHIP Clark County, Nevada (left side) The State of Nevada, Plaintiff vs. Benjamin C. Jennings, Defendant (right side) CASE NO. 102501-736 DEPT. NO. F DOCKET 01-93789 FLASH TO WHITE. LEGAL FORM 3 JUSTICE COURT CLARK COUNTY, NEVADA (left side) NEVADA, Plaintiff JENNINGS, defendant (right side) CASE NO. 102501-736 DEPT. NO. F DOCKET 01-93789 NOTICE OF INTENT TO SEEK DEATH PENALTY " ...OW, the State of Nevada, through ROBIN CHILDS ...ant to the provisions of Supreme Court Rule ... llowing Notice of Intent to Seek the Death ... part as follows: FLASH TO WHITE. Close up of "SEEK DEATH PENALTY" in LEGAL FORM 3 FLASH TO WHITE. LEGAL FORM 4 "... declaration subject to the penalty of perjury." "REQUEST FOR BAIL: DENIED (box being checked)" "AMOUNT OF BAIL ... " FLASH TO WHITE. LEGAL FORM 5: ... CASE ARE ... ... committed by a person with ... convicted of another felony." ...risk of death to more than one portion "by ... ...ld normally be hazardous to the lives of more than one ... Respectfully submitted, Robin Childs District Attorney Nevada Bar #00149330 (The form being signed.) (As the file is being closed, the following can be seen: ) LEGAL FORM 6: "... found that presumption ... ... of deaf-muted as a class violated the ... ... rights of petitioners in that case, so, too, ... ... court should have found that presumptions ... ... abilities of quadriplegics as a class ... ... petitioner's equal protection rights. ... ... rt's presumptions about the limitations. ... ... petitioner's handicap, ... (single spaced quote)...for the boys himself ... ... and teach them ... ... it's not ... LEGAL FORM 7: SUPERIOR COURT ... COURT IN THE STATE OF NEVADA DOCKET NO. S 809 20942 (The file is stamped with a circular file mark on document. SUPERIOR COURT * CLARK COUNTY, NEVADA * FILED.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. FATHER POWELL'S CHURCH -- DAY] (GRISSOM walks into the church. FATHER POWELL is near the front of the church speaking with someone. GRISSOM'S entrance is brought to FATHER POWELL'S attention and approaches him. GRISSOM sits down on the pew.) Grissom: I know that we've arrested the wrong brother. (FATHER POWELL sits on the pew in front of GRISSOM.) Grissom: He came to see you as soon as Ben was in custody. Father Powell: I tried to help ... without breaking my vows. Grissom: (sighs) We both have jobs that begin after the crime. Father Powell: After the "sin". Grissom: Some people would call that a career in futility. Father Powell: Some call it a "vocation". Grissom: A hundred years ago we didn't have the technology for fingerprints. Fifteen years ago, we didn't have DNA. Hopefully one day, we'll have foolproof means by which to put the right man in jail in this case. Father Powell: Someday, we won't need jails. (GRISSOM looks at FATHER POWELL.) Father Powell: I celebrate mass every Thursday night, 7:00. Grissom: Thank you ... but ... (he shakes his head) ... no. Father Powell: You don't believe? Grissom: In religion? I believe in God, in science ... in Sunday supper. I don't believe in rules that tell me how I should live. Father Powell: Even if they're handed down by God? Grissom: How many crusades were fought in the name of God? How many people died because of someone's religion? Father Powell: Fanaticism. Not religion. Grissom: Semantics. They're still dead. I'm sorry about Ben, father. (GRISSOM stands up.) Father Powell: You still suffer like a catholic. (FATHER POWELL also stands up.) Father Powell: Light bulb goes out other people fix it, get a new one. Light bulb goes out for the Catholic he stands in the dark says, "What did I do wrong?" Grissom: That guilt's not in me anymore. (GRISSOM leaves.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) - NIGHT] [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI -- HALLWAY -- NIGHT] Grissom: Hey. Catherine: Oh. You're going to be getting a call from the local papers about spa safety. Grissom: Spa safety? Catherine: We had a victim die of an allergic reaction at the Mediterranean. Some foul play ... some negligence. Grissom: So what am I supposed to say? Catherine: That it was an isolated incident ... that in no way should it be a mark against The Strip's other fine hotel-casinos. Grissom: CSI supports Las Vegas. Catherine: Bottom line. (CATHERINE leaves GRISSOM at the hallway counter. In the background, OFFICER rush to the jail holding cell area.) Officers: Need some help in here! Officers: Get his arm! Officers: Hold his head! (GRISSOM looks up and notices the commotion. GRISSOM runs to the cell.) Officers: Hold his head! Officers: I can't stop the bleeding. (GRISSOM rushes to the cell. On the cell floor, BENJAMIN JENNINGS lies in a pool of blood. His breathing labored as he looks at GRISSOM.) Grissom: Oh, no, no, no. How did this happen?! Officer: Incisor. He used his teeth. (GRISSOM tries to help, but gets pushed aside as the MEDICS arrive. The commotion builds to a frenzy as they all work to save BENJAMIN JENNINGS.) Medic: Clamp down. MEDIC: Keep him with us. Medic: (to GRISSOM) Get out of the way! Out of the way! MEDIC: (to GRISSOM) Sir, step back. Sir. Medic: He's bleeding out. MEDIC: He's bleeding out here. Medic: We need to stop this. Compression. MEDIC: Keep him with us. Get the head up. MEDIC: We're losing him, we're losing him ... (With his final breath, BENJAMIN JENNINGS dies. All sound stops abruptly.) Medic: I'm going to pronounce. 22:04. (GRISSOM'S left standing there with blood on his hands.)

Grissom and his team investigate a murder suspect who is caught red-handed -- burying the victims -- while Catherine and Warrick take on the case of a woman found dead in a hotel spa. As Grissom, Nick and Sara investigate the seemingly clear-cut murder case, Grissom questions the simplicity of the evidence when he discovers that the suspect burying the victims is the brother of a convicted felon. Meanwhile, Catherine and Warrick must determine if the woman found dead in the hotel spa was the victim of negligence, foul play or heat-induced natural causes.

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Skyline: The Seattle sky line is drawn with no extras. Act One. Scene One - KACL Frasier and Roz in their respective booths, the show is going on. Frasier: Gee, I'm sorry, Blake. When I told you to close your eyes and visualize that you were on a tropical island, I didn't realize you were calling from your car phone. The camera pans to Roz, who looks mildly horrified. Blake: [v.o.] That's OK, Doc. At least I know my airbags work. Frasier: [laughs uncomfortably] Well, I'm glad you're alright. And thank you for your call. Gil Chesterton edges open the door and slides into the booth. He waves and mouths "Hi." Frasier: Well, look who's popped into the booth! It's Gil Chesterton, KACL's own food critic - which means, it's my cue to hit the road. So, till tomorrow, this is Dr. Frasier Crane, wishing you... [starts to sneeze] a good day... [sneezes] and-and good health. He goes off the air. Gil comes in with his hands behind his back. Roz enters the booth. Gil: [motherly] Hey, Frasier! Frasier: Hello, Gil. Gil: I heard you coughing on the air earlier today. Sounds like you might be coming down with something. So I had this sent over from Rosenthal's Deli. [hands Frasier a white paper bag] Chicken soup, so lovingly prepared even the chicken gets well. Frasier: Thank you. That's very kind. Gil: And of course I'd never forget you, Roz. [hands her a smaller bag] Some ladyfingers, that have been soaked in rum. Roz: Mmm! Frasier: Much like her own. He coughs repeatedly and loudly, ignoring Roz's offended look. Gil: I say, I hope this isn't the start of that nasty flu that's going around. You want to take a couple of days off, nip it in the bud, I'd be happy to cover your time slot for you. Frasier: No, no, thank you. I'll be fine tomorrow. Gil: Okey-dokey. But, uh... feel free to call me if you change your mind. He leaves, as Roz bites into a ladyfinger. Roz: Mmm! Plump, gooey, and guaranteed to rot your teeth. Frasier: Yes. I don't like his phony British accent much, either. Roz: You sure got a bug up your mind about Gil. What's your problem? Frasier: I just don't trust him. Nobody's that nice unless they want something from you. Roz picks up something from the table and heads back to her booth. Roz: He's just a generous person. Frasier: Oh, yes! [getting up and following her] He was very generous to Bonnie Weems! Bought her a case of wine, asked her to let him have her timeslot when she was off on vacation. When she got back, she had been banished to the midnight to four a.m. slot! Roz: What are you saying? He's trying to take our timeslot? Frasier: I'm just saying we should watch our backs. How would you like to work from midnight to four a.m.? What would happen to your social life? Those are your peak hours! [smirks] Roz: You're just being paranoid. Frasier: No, I'm not. [returns to his booth] Roz: [following him] Yes, you are! The man brought you some chicken soup. It does not mean he wants your timeslot. Besides, why would he be bribing us? He'd be bribing the higher-ups, they're the ones who make the decisions! At that moment, Gil enters with another paper bag. Gil: Frasier! [sees the first bag] Oh good, it's still here. I'm so sorry. This is your soup. [hands him the bag in his hand and takes the one off the console] This is the Lobster Newburg I bought for the station manager's cat. He leaves. Frasier, vindicated, throws a knowing look at Roz. Frasier: I'll see you tomorrow, Roz. He grabs his briefcase off the console and leaves. [SCENE_BREAK] SPRING IS IN THE AIR Scene Two - Frasier's apartment Martin and Daphne are seated at the table, both reading from the newspaper. Daphne: Oh, here's a gruesome bit. A partly-decomposed body just washed up in Puget Sound! Martin: Hey, that's good news! Daphne: [shocked] I beg your pardon? Martin: Bodies don't rise till the weather gets warmer. You get your first floater, and spring's just around the corner! Daphne looks suitably disgusted. Frasier enters from his bedroom, clumsily dressed and looking extremely tired. Frasier: [listlessly] Morning, Dad, Daphne. Martin: Frasier, you sound awful! Frasier: [unconvincingly] It's just a little bug. Daphne: But you can't be thinking of going to work! You're all pasty and clammy and pale! Martin: And coming from an English person, that's bad! Daphne, offended, picks up the breakfast dishes and marches into the kitchen. Frasier: Don't worry, Dad. As you've often said, "if you can walk, you can work." Took kind of an ironic twist the day you got shot in the hip! Martin: Well, at least I had a real job. Half your listening audience hears voices already, and the other half talks to themselves! If you don't show up, who's going to notice? Frasier: Well, I'm out of here. He puts down his mug and walks over to the coat rack. Daphne runs after him from the kitchen. Daphne: But you're burning up! You really should stay home and let me tend to you. I'm a very good nurse. I mended all my brothers' soccer injuries. Frasier: [shrugging into his coat] Well, I didn't get injured playing soccer. Daphne: Neither did my hooligan brothers. Mostly they got hurt beating up drunken Dutchmen in the stands. Frasier sneezes explosively. Martin: [folding his arms] Well, that's going to look pretty against the glass in your booth! Why don't you just stay home? Frasier: Dad, Daphne, thank you, thank you. But I'm a physician. I believe that I am the best monitor of my own condition. I'm fine! Fit as a fiddle! He pulls open the door and exits. Beat. The doorbell sounds, languidly and tiredly. Daphne, who has turned away, returns expectantly to the door and opens it to reveal a very sick Frasier. Frasier: [whining] I'm sick...! Daphne supports Frasier as he trudges back into the living room. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene Three - KACL Gil is on the air, doing his show in Frasier's timeslot. Gil: And we're back, with "Restaurant Beat." This is Gil Chesterton and I'm filling in for Dr. Frasier Crane. We're here talking to Louis, who has forgotten that tonight is his tenth anniversary. Well, Louis, I believe I've saved your proverbial derriere! During the commercial, I managed to secure you a private booth at Maximillian's. Just promise me for dessert you'll have their Schwarzw lder Kirschtorte. Louis: The... the what? Gil: The Schwarzw lder... [condescendingly] well, maybe you'd better stick with the rainbow sherbet. Louis: I don't know how to thank you. You saved my marriage! Gil: No, don't thank me! I'm only here tonight because our dear Dr. Crane is home with the flu. The scene changes to Frasier's room. Frasier is lying in bed with a thermometer in his mouth. He is listening to Gil on a radio above his bed. Martin reads the newspaper in a chair by the bed. Gil: [on radio] If you're listening, Doc, all of us here at KACL want you to get better soon. Frasier: [mumbling around the thermometer] I just bet you do. Daphne comes out of the bathroom. Daphne: Time to check if the turkey's done. [she takes out the thermometer] Frasier: Dad, you know, you don't have to sit in here with me all day. Martin: Oh no, no problem. You need company when you're sick. You never know when you're going to croak. Daphne: Oh, boy. Your temperature is up there - one hundred and one! You are a sick boy. Frasier: Thank you for reminding me, Daphne. Martin: Naw, I remember the sickest I ever was. They'd shipped us back from Korea. I got this Oriental parasite, that was building its own little pagoda right in my colon... Frasier: Thank you, Dad. Daphne: You know, you might try some of my homeopathic tea. It'll flush out your system, and it'll also make your hair more shiny and manageable. She fluffs her own hair, while sterilizing the thermometer with alcohol. Frasier: No, no thank you. Martin: Oh, no! That wasn't the sickest I was. It was that time Your mother and I took that trip down to Mexico. I was real careful about the water, and then I ate this piece of lettuce. Next thing you know, I'm spewing both for accuracy and distance. I spent the night curled up on the stone floor, screaming, "I want to die, I want to die!" Frasier: Wouldn't that have been a tragedy? You wouldn't be here with me now! Martin: OK, I get the point. I'll give you a little peace and quiet here. [gets up and starts to leave] Oh, no! What was I thinking of? What about the time your mother left the potato salad in the trunk of the car? I'm still sick from that one! Martin leaves. Daphne carries a tray to the door. Daphne: [pleasantly] Is there anything else you need? Frasier: A little more ginger ale, please. Daphne: Very well, then. She turns to leave but he calls her back. Frasier: Oh Daphne, this time make it shaved ice, not cubes. And I don't like those straws. Can I have the bendy kind? And the saltines, they're too salty. I need the low-sodium. Daphne: Your wish is my command. She turns to leave again. This time, she is stopped by Niles, who is just entering the room. Niles: Hello, Daphne. Is he in pain? Daphne: Not enough. She exits. Niles bends over Frasier, covering his mouth with his handkerchief. Niles: Frasier, I brought you something. Frasier: Niles! Put the hanky down, for God's sake! It's not the plague! Niles does, carefully folding the handkerchief and placing it on the bed before sitting down. He's carrying a plastic bag with a slime- green pouch inside, with a lanyard around it. Niles: Well, look. This is from Marta, our maid. It's a poultice you wear around your neck. The recipe comes from her remote mountain village in Guatemala. Frasier: [catches a whiff] I can see why her village is remote! Niles: Well yes, it is pungent. [drapes it around Frasier's neck] But, by inhaling these herbs, many of the villagers live to be well over a hundred. Marta herself is seventy-eight, and you should see her scramble up the stairs when Maris rings her little bell. The phone rings. Frasier: Oh, Niles, would you mind? Niles: Of course. Obligingly, Niles gets off the bed and walks to the phone. Eddie scampers into the room and bounces up onto Frasier's bed next to him. Frasier: Oh, hello Eddie! For once I'm actually glad to see you! Here. He drapes the poultice around the dog's neck. Horrified, Eddie runs out of the room. Frasier laughs to himself. Niles returns to the bed, phone in hand. Niles: [returning to the bed, phone in hand] Uh, it's for you. It's - Roz? Frasier: [taking the phone and speaking weakly] Hello. Roz: So, how are you feeling? Frasier: Awful, thank you. Reset to: we see Roz standing at the payphone outside the studio, as Gil still goes on with his show. Roz: Well, I'm sorry to hear that. Because I really think you should get your butt back down here. You were right about Gil, Frasier. He's lobbying for our slot. I was talking to Millie in Traffic and she overheard Gil talking to the station manager. It was all about how our timeslot is perfect for his show because it's mid-afternoon and everyone is making [posh accent] dinner plans! Frasier: I knew it, I knew it! Geez... OK, Roz, you can count on me. I'll be there tomorrow. Roz: Well, you'd better be! I don't trust that greedy, finger- Licking runt as far as I can throw him. Gil: [sticking his head out of the booth] I say, Roz, how am I doing so far? Roz: [fake] Fabulous! Reset to: Frasier's room. Frasier: OK, I'll be in tomorrow. He hangs up the receiver, and Niles replaces the phone on the desk. Niles: Frasier, you can't be serious about going in tomorrow. Your pupils are dilated. [he touches his brother's forehead] You have a fever. He wets a cotton swab with the alcohol and meticulously cleans his hands. Niles: You go in in that condition, you won't even make it to the... Frasier: Oh, I just don't trust Gil Chesterton. I think he's after my timeslot. [exasperated] Oh Niles, will you stop it with the alcohol! Niles reluctantly places the cotton wool into the plastic bag that once held the poultice. Frasier: I just can't let that smarmy little chowhound do my show for another day! Oh God, anybody would be better! [inspiration strikes] Niles, Niles, would you do my show for me? Niles: Frasier, I think that fever of yours is making you delusional. Frasier: Oh, no! I filled in for you when you were too sick to meet with your "Fear of Intimacy" group! Niles: [heading into the bathroom] I wasn't sick. They were just getting too close. Frasier: Oh, I guess you're right. It's probably a bad idea. Doing my show requires a set of abilities that you just don't possess. You have to be able to size up your patients very quickly, and then dispense your advice in an entertaining and insightful manner. Niles: [re-entering the room] Frasier, this pathetic attempt at reverse psychology is beneath you. Frasier: [knowingly] Then you're not going to do my show? Niles: [defiantly] No, I AM going to do your show, and I'm going to do it better than you ever DREAMED of doing it! Niles walks out, and Frasier is happy - until Eddie scampers in with the poultice in his teeth. He drops it back onto Frasier's chest then scampers out again. Frasier stares after him venomously. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene Four - KACL Roz and Niles are in Frasier's booth. She is showing him around the control panel. Roz: [pointing] And here's the cough button in case you need to cough or clear your throat. [holds up a blue cart] And most important, here's an extra-long commercial to use if you need a bathroom break. Niles: Thank you, but those won't be necessary. I have no cough reflex, and excellent bladder control. Roz: [sarcastically deadpan] It's true - all the good ones ARE married. [leaving for her booth] You're on in ten seconds and your first caller is Marcia. Niles: Marcia... He places the headphones around his neck and sits down, covering the mike with his hand. Clearing his throat, he tries out catchphrases. Niles: "Hello, Marcia, I'm listening." That is so trite. "Hello, Marcia, tell me where it hurts." No, no... "Hello, Marcia, I hear you." No... Roz points to him. Not understanding, he points back to her, while continuing to mutter to himself. Roz points at him again, more urgently. He still doesn't understand that he is on. Roz: [speaking into her mike] Good afternoon, Seattle! Niles: Oh, yes! [puts on his headphones] Hello! This is Dr. Niles Crane, filling in for my ailing brother, Dr. Frasier Crane. Although I feel perfectly qualified to fill Frasier's radio shoes, I should warn you that while Frasier is a Freudian, I am a Jungian. So there'll be no blaming Mother today. He is proud of himself for having gotten thus far, and doesn't notice Roz sigh and sink back into her chair. Niles: Ooh-kay, Roz, who's my first caller? Roz: We have Marcia on line three. She's in love with her husband's brother. Niles: This day promises not to disappoint. [jabs a button professionally] Hello, Marcia. "Let's get better!" Pleased with himself, he gives Roz a "how's that?" shrug. Surprised, she gives him a "hey, not bad" signal back. Reset to: Frasier's bedroom. He is listening to the radio as Daphne takes his temperature again, laughing at Niles's performance. Niles: [on radio] But before we get into the specifics of your problem, why don't I give you a little historical background? The psychiatrist Sigmar Bromnoh - that's B-R-O-M-N-O-H - in the late 1950s, wrote extensively on the problem you are facing. Which is all the more amazing when you realise that Bromnoh was a prominent Reichian, although... Frasier: [gleefully] Listen to him! He's terrible! He shuts off the radio. Daphne removes the thermometer. Daphne: And, I'm afraid, so are you. Your temperature's up to one hundred and three. Frasier: Oh, it could go up to a hundred and five, I couldn't be better! My timeslot is safe. Niles is as dry as this toast you brought me - with the crust still on. I'm sure when I'm ready to go back, they'll send a limo! Daphne: Well, I'll just go get you another drink. Was that last straw bendy enough? Frasier: Perfect, thank you. [she starts to leave] Oh Daphne, Daphne, look. [points at a tissue box on the bed next to him] Here, take these tissues away. I, they hurt my nose. I want that kind with the little moisturizer droplet between the sheets. And the rose petals in the humidifier - I think they're starting to wilt. Daphne: Oh, of course. Anything you like. Fresh rose petals, crust-less toast, soft tissues... [turning to leave, muttering bitterly] acupuncture needles where you least expect them... End Of Act One (Time: 10:05) Act Two. Scene One - KACL Niles is pacing the booth, with his jacket off and his shirtsleeves rolled up. He is holding the mike and speaking animatedly into it. Niles: Howard, Lois, I could stay on the air counseling you all day, but- [glances at the clock] we're coming to the end of our hour, so I'm just going to cut to the quick. If one of you doesn't say, "I love you" right now - right now - frankly, I don't see how you could have any kind of future together. So, which of you has the courage to say, "I love you?" In her booth, Roz is impressed; Niles has gotten pretty good. Lois: [v.o.] Howard... I love you. Niles: [thrilled] Yes! Yes! Howard, she loves you! What about you? Howard: [v.o.] I, uh... Niles: Howard? Are you going to just pack up your emotional tent and walk away... Howard? Howard, it's up to you! Can you say it?! Can you?! Roz: [caught up in the excitement] Come on, Howard! Come on, Howard! Howard: I... I love you too, Lois! Roz: YES! SMASH CUT TO: Frasier's bedroom, where the three members of the Crane household are listening to Niles's triumphant broadcast. Martin, in his chair by the bed, laughs. Daphne happily jumps on Frasier's back - which she can do because Frasier is face-down on the bed, writhing in envy. Daphne: He said it, he said it! Niles: [on radio] But I'm afraid we're going to have to interrupt this radio moment with a commercial... [Daphne turns off the radio] Martin: Hey, Niles is pretty good! Frasier: Good? Good?! The little rat is scintillating! Oh, why couldn't he just do what's expected of him for once and stink?! He's even better than Gil Chesterton! Oh, God - they're trying to make me look bad! Martin: Aw, geez. This high temperature of yours is making you zooey. Frasier: No! No! It's made me clear-headed. I've gotta get down there, go to that station, reclaim what's rightfully mine! He struggles out of bed, and to his feet. Frasier: There'll be no more filling in by anybody! No way, no how! No way, no... Martin: [stands] Frasier, you're not going anywhere. Frasier: [facing off with his dad] Oh, who's going to stop me? Martin: I am. Frasier: Oh, how are you - a man with a limp and a cane - going to stop a man in the prime of his life? Martin pokes Frasier in the chest, and the latter falls pathetically back onto the bed, groaning loudly. Martin: [over Frasier's whining] And I wasn't even leaning on my cane. Come on, Daphne. He beckons to Daphne, and they both start walking out of the room. Daphne: Boy, he really is sick. Martin: Huh! You want to talk sick? 1962, World's Fair. The Tilt-A- Whirl was right next to the "Little Taste Of India"... [SCENE_BREAK] I GO TO PIECES Scene Two - KACL Frasier is back doing his show, with Roz in her booth. Frasier: As you know, I was out sick most of the week, and I'd like to take this opportunity to express my sincere gratitude to Gil Chesterton and to my brother Niles for doing such a great job of filling in for me. Oddly enough, Niles and Gil are both standing ominously at a half- screened window behind Frasier. Frasier: I really appreciate it, guys. Turning to the window, he waves cheerily. Both Niles and Gil lift their hands to return the wave at exactly the same time, looking decidedly sinister. Frasier: Well Roz, now that I'm back to normal and feeling great, who's our first caller? Roz: We have Sonya from Auburn on line three. Frasier: Let's just hear what Sonya has to say... He presses a button on his console. BANG! A bomb under his chair explodes, vaporizing him. Roz looks upwards, bewildered, as debris rains down on Frasier's console. SMASH CUT TO: Frasier's Bedroom Frasier (still sick), wakes up screaming. Frasier: DAPHNE! DAPHNE! [SCENE_BREAK] Daphne storms in, having almost reached her limit. Daphne: What is it this time?! Frasier: I had a dream! I had a dream! They are plotting against me! Daphne: Oh, now now, Dr. Crane. I thought we went over this already. It's just your fever talking! Frasier: [suspiciously] Oh, that's just what you want me to think! You're probably in league with Niles! I know about the two of you! Oh, you pretend not to know, but you know! [N.B. Frasier almost blew Niles's secret right here!!! In fact, Jane Leeves, who says she knows more about Daphne than the writers who created her, always maintained that Daphne has always been aware of Niles's feelings for her, but sublimates them out of feelings of inferiority. - Mike Lee] Frasier grabs his prescription pad off the desk and starts scribbling on it. Frasier: I've gotta get back down there and take my show back! Daphne: But you can barely function! Frasier: Yes, well, these prescriptions will take care of that and more. [rips off a slip and passes it to her] Now here, run down to the drugstore, post-haste! Daphne: [reading it] Syducane?! This'll have you high as a kite! Frasier: That's only until I take a couple of these! He rips off another slip and gives it to her. As he climbs out of bed, she reads it and her eyes widen. [N.B. A play on the name of series writer Sy Dukane.] Daphne: Oh now, Dr. Crane, I really don't think you're in any shape... Frasier: Thank you! But the moment I give a fig for what you think is the day that England produces a great chef, a world-class bottle of wine, and a car that has a decent electrical system! And for Daphne, that's the limit. Daphne: [furious] You know, being a health-care provider, I try to be sympathetic towards my patients. But I have reached the end of my tether with you, Doctor! You are by far the most ungrateful, disagreeable, self-centered, whiny fusspot I've ever had the misfortune of dealing with! I've had patients on their deathbeds who were more considerate, and a damn sight more jolly too! As far as I'm concerned, you can lay in those sweaty sheets until you're one giant bedsore! Frasier: Are you done? Daphne: [calming down somewhat] Yes. Frasier: Then scurry on down to the drugstore and get those filled while I get dressed! He turns toward his closet, as Daphne stalks out of the bedroom. [SCENE_BREAK] RADIO DAZE Scene Three - KACL Outside the studio, Gil is talking to another employee. Frasier walks in, unkempt and with a goofy smile on his face. Gil: Oh, Frasier! What a surprise to see you here today! Frasier: Well, it's no wonder. I've taken some wonder drugs, I feel wonderful! [laughs] So I'm going to go do my show now - so ta-ta, Pieman! He pulls open the door and enters, as Gil looks confused and a little alarmed. Inside the booth, Niles is talking. Roz notices Frasier first. Niles: Thank you, Greta. It's always satisfying to know I've changed someone's life. [sees Roz signaling and looks] Oh, look who's just wandered into my booth, it's my brother Frasier. Frasier: Hello, Niles. I've come to take back the reins of my show, so you can just scoot out of there. [Roz comes in] Niles: I think this might be a good time to go to a commercial. [tosses Roz the blue "extra-long" cart, she plugs it in] This is Dr. Niles Crane, "let's get better." He goes to commercial, pulls off his headphones, and stands. Roz: [hesitantly] You OK, Frasier? Your eyes look a little glassy. Frasier: [dismissively] I'm fine! It's just that the drugs I took have some minor slide effects... He settles into his chair, as Roz and Niles trade an alarmed look. Roz grabs his chair and wheels him to face her. Roz: Frasier, look at me. Do you see trails when I do this? She splays her fingers and passes her hand repeatedly across his eyes. Frasier: Whoa! [laughs] Ha! It wasn't doing that before! Niles holds Frasier's gaze steady by taking hold of his chin. Niles: Listen, you're not going on the air like this. [shakes a finger in Frasier's face] Stop it, stop... Niles realizes Frasier is bobbing his head in time with Niles's finger, and holds Frasier's chin more tightly. Niles: This is what you're going to do. You're going to bed, you're going to get rest, and you're going to get rid of this fever, so you can be as good as new. "Let's get better!" All right? [removes his fingers] All right? Frasier: [docilely, seeming appeased] All right... OK... He stands, Niles and Roz start to lead him out of the booth. Frasier: Maybe... maybe the two of you could help me find someone to drive me home? Roz: [opens the door] Oh, that's the most sensible thing you've said so far, Frasier- He shoves them both out the door and locks it. Roz: [yelling] Frasier! FRASIER! She runs down the hall to her door even as Frasier rushes madly across his booth into hers. He locks her door too, laughing wildly. Frasier sits back down in his chair as he pulls the headphone on. Roz and Niles look in helplessly after banging on the door a few more times. Frasier: Hello, Seattle, I'm back! This is Dr. Frasier Crane. I promise I will never leave you again... so, let's take our first caller. [presses a button] Hello, I'm listening. Robert: [v.o.] Hi, Dr. Crane. Thanks for taking my call. I'm a little nervous, okay? My name is Robert. Frasier: And your name is? Robert: ...My name is Robert. Frasier: Oh, I'm sorry. We've already had a Robert on the show today. Goodbye! He presses a button to disconnect Robert. Outside the booth, Roz is on the office phone. Roz: Tony, it's Roz. Could you get security up here? Captain Kirk's got control of the bridge and he's gone insane. Inside the booth, Frasier is still on the air: Frasier: Who is this? Janice: I'm Janice. Frasier: Well, Janice, what's your problem? Janice: Well, I'm having a problem breaking through a barrier with my in-laws. Frasier: Boring! He jabs another button and disconnects her, then picks up on another line. Frasier: Hello! You're on the crane with Frasier Air! Marjorie: Hi, Dr. Crane. This is Marjorie. You see, I'm... I'm having a problem with my boss. He doesn't seem to respect me, and I don't have the courage to confront him. Frasier: OK, OK, Marjorie. Well, let's, let's see... Let's do a little role-playing, OK? Look, I'll be your boss, you be yourself, you be Marjorie... and uh - come on in and talk to me in a very forceful way. Tell me what you think, and you just might be surprised by what happens! Marjorie: Well, OK. "Listen, Mr. Ross. I've worked for this company for six years and I've never missed a day. But you've constantly promoted people less qualified than I am, and I don't think that's fair." As she speaks, Frasier makes a shooing motion with his right hand and presumably starts seeing trails again. He keeps waving his hand until she stops talking. Frasier: "Well, Marjorie, I must say I admire your forthrightness, and uh... I wished more of my employees came and spoke to me with an open mind. You know, you're going to get that promotion!" Marjorie: Hey, that was great! Frasier: [excited] Yeah! Wasn't it? Wasn't it? OK, it's my turn! I'm Marjorie and you're the boss now! Come on! Come on... At this point, the door has been forced open and Niles comes in with some uniformed security guards. Niles: [gently] Frasier, these nice men are going to take your home. Frasier: [in dazed confusion] I'm - I'm, I'm doing my show! [a guard takes the headphones off his ears] I can't! I'm on the air! Roz: No, you're not. We cut you off. You're on commercial. Niles: Don't you worry your little mucous-filled head about anything. Everything's under control. The guards have been slowly pushing Frasier out of the booth in his swivel chair. Frasier: But it's my show, it's my booth... [exiting the door] Hey, this is fun! Ha! Make it go faster! Whee! As they wheel him out, Roz quickly shuts the door and checks the clock. Roz: [urgently] Five seconds, Niles! She rushes into her booth. Niles puts on the headphones and Roz cues him by pointing. Niles: Hello! This is Dr. Niles Crane again and no, we haven't taken leave of our senses. That bit of inspired lunacy you heard just before the commercial was just a little docudrama Frasier and I put together on the dangers of over-medication. At this point, we see Frasier in the hallway behind the studio, running wildly away as the guards chase him off the screen. Concerned, Roz looks after him. Niles: Bravo, Frasier, for so brilliantly demonstrating why they call it "dope!" [SCENE_BREAK] Scene Four - Frasier's Bedroom Frasier bolts awake, as he did earlier in the show, and starts yelling again. Frasier: [hysterically] Daphne! Daphne! Daphne throws open the door again. Daphne: Whaaat? Frasier: I had another dream! I dreamt I went down to the station all doped-up and tried to take over my show and made a big fool out of myself, and they-they dragged me out of there like a lunatic in a butterfly net! Daphne: [comfortingly] Now, now, that was just a dream. You go back to sleep. You'll feel better in the morning. Soothed, he lays down again. Frasier: Oh, Daphne. Can I have a little lemonade? With fresh lemons and maybe a little sprig of mint? Daphne: [sweetly] Anything you want. Frasier falls back onto his bed, asleep. Martin is waiting in the doorway. Martin: Why'd you tell him it was a dream? Daphne: No fun telling him the truth now, when he's all doped up. I'll wait till tomorrow morning - when he's good and lucid. They laugh and exit. End Of Act Two (Time: 22:00) [SCENE_BREAK] We see Frasier seated in his booth, talking very normally into the mike. He looks over toward Roz's booth, smiling, and the camera follows his gaze. What we see seated there, on top of the console, is not Roz... but Eddie with the headphones on! Suddenly, we see Roz jerking awake, freaked out. She looks around her warily, then, relieved, she puts her headphones back on.

Frasier falls ill, and KACL restaurant critic Gil Chesterton tries to steal his time slot in his absence. Frasier begs Niles to take over to prevent this. When Niles unexpectedly runs the show with great success, a feverish Frasier begins to imagine plots against him, and decides to drag himself to the station no matter what. He locks Niles and Roz out of the studio and broadcasts in a state of delirium.

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Scene: The apartment. Penny: So, we're about to shoot this scene in the movie where the killer ape DNA is slowly taking over my body. Leonard: Okay. Penny: But I realize they're gluing fur everywhere except my cleavage. So, I asked the director why and he says, it's important to the story that my boobs be the last things to turn ape. Leonard: It's sweet that he thinks there's a story. Penny: Oh, and there's not even a bathroom on set. I have to go to the gas station across the street. I mean, I was dressed like half an ape and still not even close to the most disgusting person in there. Sheldon: Leonard, I could use your assistance. Leonard: Sure. What's up? Sheldon: Well, now that I've given up string theory, I'm struggling to find my next area of focus. So, in your professional opinion, which of these areas do you think is the most promising? Leonard: Huh, well, I think there's some really innovative stuff going on in dark matter. Sheldon: That's helpful. Okay. Of these four areas... Penny: Sheldon, what did we say about being a nicer friend? Leonard: Thank you. Penny: Leonard, what did we say about being a gullible weenie? Sheldon: It is just so frustrating. Penny: 'Cause you're trying too hard. You need to do something else, get your mind off it. Leonard: Hey. How about we bring back Anything Can Happen Thursdays? Penny: Hey, that's good. Why'd you guys stop doing that? Leonard: You made fun of us. Said it was stupid. Penny: Yeah. Sounds like me. Come on, Sheldon. What do you say? Sheldon: All right. I officially reinstate Anything Can Happen Thursday. Leonard: Great, what do you want to do? Sheldon: I don't know. What do you want to do? Penny: I don't know. What do you want to do? Leonard: I'm starting to remember the problem with Anything Can Happen Thursdays. Credits sequence. Scene: The apartment. Sheldon: Hmm, what can we do that's fun? Leonard: What can we do that's different? Penny: What can we do that's free? Sheldon: Oh, got it. We order a pizza. Penny: Are you kidding? That's what you always do. Think harder. Sheldon: You're right. You're right. Got it. We order calzones, cut them open, eat them like pizza. All right, all right, I'll shake the brain bush one more time, see what falls out. Got it. There's a live-action role-playing group that meets every Thursday night in Griffith Park and re-enacts battles from Lord of the Rings. Penny: Uh, tell me more about this calzone idea. Leonard: You know what? Why don't we just ease into this. Let, let's go for a walk and, and, and see if we find a new restaurant. Sheldon: Any chance that restaurant is near Griffith Park? Leonard: No. Sheldon: All right. Leonard: Raj and Howard are at Howard's mom's, but should we call the girls and see if they want to come? Penny: No. Bernadette's working late. Sheldon: Amy's sick. Leonard: Aw. What's wrong with her? Sheldon: Well, she talks a lot. She always wants to hold hands. Leonard: That's not what I meant. Sheldon: Well, if you were referring to her illness your question should have been, what ails her? Leonard: What ails her? Sheldon: Oh. Who knows? Penny: Come on, anything can happen. We can push him down the stairs. Scene: Howard's mother's house. Howard: Hey. Thanks for coming to hang out. Raj: No problem. How's your mom feeling? Howard: Okay, but she'd feel better if she took her medicine. Raj: You know, when Cinnamon won't take her medicine, I hide it in a piece of cheese. Howard: Good idea. We can wrap the pill in cheese, feed it to Cinnamon, and then my mom can eat Cinnamon. So what do you feel like doing? Raj: I was thinking we could watch a DVD. Howard: Well, my mom doesn't have a lot to choose from. Unless you want to watch the video of her colonoscopy. Spoiler alert, 20 minutes in they find a prune pit. Raj: Actually, how do you feel about watching House of 1000 Corpses? Howard: A straight-up gore-fest? You hate this stuff. Raj: I do, but for some reason, Emily loves it and wants to watch it with me tomorrow, so I thought if I start with you first, then I could act cool about it with her. Howard: That's actually not a bad plan. I can sit through the colonoscopy now, but that first time I was like, oh my God, a prune pit. Raj: Uh, so, you'll watch it? Howard: Sure. Raj: You're a good friend. I owe you one. Mrs Wolowitz (off): Howard. Help me get out of the tub. Raj: Not that one. Scene: The street. Sheldon: So, we're just randomly choosing a restaurant without researching it online? Penny: Yep. Sheldon: Great. You know, this is how Anything Can Happen Thursday turns into It Won't Stop Coming Up Friday. Leonard: Hey, how about that Asian fusion place? Sheldon: Fusion and Asians? I'm trying not to think about science. Penny: What the hell? What? She's not working late. Sheldon: And Amy doesn't look sick. Penny: Why would they lie to us? Sheldon: That's a good question. (Knock, knock, knock) Amy and Bernadette. (Knock, knock, knock) Amy and Bernadette. (Knock, knock, knock) Amy and Bernadette. Why did you lie to us? Scene: Howard's mother's house. Raj: Hey. Listen to this. Murder, cannibalism and satanic rituals are just a few of the thousand plus horrors that await. Howard: I just helped my mom out of the tub, so, I'm one slippery horror ahead of you. Raj: You're a good son. I don't know how you do it. Howard: Beach blankets, my friend, it's all about beach blankets. Raj: All right, let's get this over with. Ew, it's got someone's hair on it. Howard: Oh, yeah, you're gonna do great with this movie. Scene: A bar. Penny: You're not working late. Why did you lie to me? Sheldon: And Amy, you told me you were sick, but you look just as pale and tired as always. Amy: I'm sorry, I just needed a break from hearing you obsess about what to do after string theory. Bernadette: We kind of just wanted one night where we didn't have to hear about how miserable you are making this movie. Amy: But none of that means we don't love you. Penny: I haven't been complaining that much about the movie. Have I? Leonard: I also love you. Penny: Well you know what? Maybe I need a break from all of you. Come on, Sheldon. Sheldon: Where are we going? Penny: We're gonna have Anything Can Happen Thursday, you're gonna tell me all about your science stuff and I'm gonna complain about my movie, and we're gonna support each other because that's what friends do. Sheldon: Okay. 'Cause if I had to pick now, I'd probably go with dark matter because... Penny: Shut up. Scene: A restaurant. Sheldon makes an "unsure" noise. Penny: What's wrong? Sheldon: I don't understand my food. Chinese noodles with Korean barbecue in a taco. Penny: It's fusion. Sheldon: My mother would lock her car doors if she had to drive through this hodgepodge of ethnicity. Penny: Think I've been complaining too much about the movie? Sheldon: Not at all. Penny: Thank you. Sheldon: But to be fair, when you talk, most of what you say sounds like, wah, wah, wah, clothes, wah, wah, wah. Penny: Hey, I don't understand why you're not upset with Amy. Sheldon: I am. So much so that I'm gonna bring her here for dinner on our next date night. Scene: Howard's mother's house. Raj: Okay. So, in the last 20 minutes, we've seen a crazy woman kissing a fetus in a jar. We've seen a guy cut in half and sewn to a fish. Howard: And the brutal dismemberment of a rotisserie chicken by my mother. Raj: On the bright side, she didn't even notice the pill. Why does Emily like this stuff? Do you think there's something psychologically wrong with her? Howard: What difference does it make? Raj: What do you mean? Howard: Oh, come on, she could have a freezer full of ex-boyfriend's body parts and you'd still go out with her. Raj: I do like that the ex-boyfriend's out of the picture. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene: The bar. Amy: I feel so bad about lying to Sheldon. How am I gonna make it up to him? Bernadette: I'd tell you what I do with Howard, but I don't think dressing up like a Catholic schoolgirl is gonna work with Sheldon. Leonard: He'd probably give you homework. Amy: Did you lie to Howard about tonight? Bernadette: Of course. Amy: And you don't feel guilty about it? Bernadette: Between Penny's gorilla movie and Howard's gorilla mother, I had no choice. Leonard: Thankfully Penny and I have a relationship based on honesty. What? I don't lie to her. Bernadette: Oh, we know you don't lie to her. Scene: The restaurant. Penny: Thank you. Hey, maybe the answer to your career question is in one of these. Sheldon: Penny, there's only one cookie with something in the middle that solves life's problems, and that's an Oreo. Or a Nutter Butter, if you're in a pinch. Penny: Come on, open it. I bet it says something great. Sheldon: This is Asian fusion. For all you know, there's a tiny Chihuahua in here. Penny: Fine, I'll go. Hmm. People turn to you for guidance and wisdom. Yeah, that's a good one. Sheldon: No, it's not. Penny: How is that not good? Sheldon: Turn to you for wisdom? Clearly, that cookie is mocking you. You'd never hear that kind of sass from a Nutter Butter. Penny: Uh, since you're paying for dinner, I'll let that slide. Open yours. Sheldon: Have you ever paid for a meal? Penny: Not with money. Read. Sheldon: Your warm and fun-loving nature delights those around you. Penny: Oh, try again. Scene: Howard's mother's house. Howard: Let me get this straight. So, he kills this girl's father, cuts off the guy's face, and is wearing it as a mask while he makes out with her. Raj: I'm just gonna say it. That's not okay. Why can't I be in a relationship with a girl who likes The Sound of Music? Howard: Raj, you are the girl in the relationship who likes The Sound of Music. (Phone rings) Hey, Penny. What's up? No, Bernie's working late. Really? Thanks for telling me. Raj: What? Howard: I'm having s*x with a Catholic schoolgirl tonight. Scene: The street. Outside a psychic's shop. Penny: Oh, I think I see our next stop. Sheldon: You can't be serious. If I wanted to waste my time on nonsense, I'd follow Leonard on Instagram. Penny: No, come on, tonight we are trying new things. Sheldon: Oh. That's a lot of incense. Or someone set a hippie on fire. Scene: Outside the bar. Bernadette (on phone): Yeah, honey, I'm still stuck at work. Really? Penny said that? Okay, it's true. I'm sorry. I'll see you at home. Yeah, yeah, I'll put it on. Leonard: You and I never just hang out like this. Why is that? Amy: I know, it's weird, right? Leonard: Yeah. We should do it more often. Amy: Oh, no. I mean, this is weird right now. Leonard: (Phone text sound) Ah, it's Penny. Amy: Is she still mad? Leonard: Oh, doesn't seem like it. She got Sheldon to go to a psychic with her. Amy: A psychic? He considers them not just mumbo jumbo, but extra-jumbo mumbo jumbo. Leonard: Well, Penny can be very persuasive. She's gotten me to do a lot of things I wouldn't normally do. Amy: Because she has s*x with you. Leonard: Yeah, she does. Amy: Can I confess something? Once in a while, I get a little jealous of how close Penny and Sheldon are. Leonard: Really? Amy: I mean, not in a romantic way. It's just, she really has some sort of connection with him. Leonard: Well, well they've known each other a long time, and Penny grew up around horses, so she knows how to approach him without making him skittish. Amy: Don't get me wrong, I'm glad they're friends. I just wish he'd be that comfortable around me already. Leonard: Well, it took him a long time to get comfortable around me, too. Amy: Really? What did you do? Leonard: Something terrible in a former life? I don't know. Bernadette: I gotta go. Penny ratted me out. FYI, she's getting you a watch for your birthday with money she took out of your wallet. Scene: The psychic shop. Sheldon: I don't mean to be rude or discourteous, but before we begin, I'd just like to say there is absolutely no scientific evidence to support clairvoyance of any kind. Which means, and again, no insult intended, that you're a fraud, your profession is a swindle, and, uh, your livelihood is dependent on the gullibility of stupid people. Again, no offence. Penny: All right, Sheldon, just ask your question. Sheldon: Okay, I just did. What was it? Penny: Oh, for God's sake. Look, he's a physicist who's trying to figure out what his next field of study should be. Sheldon: For your information, I was asking her about the next Star Trek movie. Penny: Okay, I can answer that one, I'll be bored. Psychic: All right, why don't we begin? Your spirit guides are telling me that there's a woman in your life you're having problems with. Sheldon: That's an easy guess. I'm clearly an annoying person and have problems with both genders. Psychic: Yes, you clearly are. But I'm seeing a specific woman that you're in a romantic relationship with. Penny: Oh, oh, here we go. Psychic: Does she have dark hair? Penny: Yes, yes, your spirit guides are on fire. Sheldon: The majority of people have dark hair. Even you, at one time. Psychic: Does she work in a similar field to you? Sheldon: Ha. The opposite. She's a neurobiologist, and I'm a theoretical physicist. My spirit guides can go suck an egg. Psychic: They're telling me that you have difficulty being close with her. Penny: Oh, he does. He so does. What should he do? Psychic: He should give himself to this relationship. Once he does, all his other pursuits will come into focus. Penny: Sheldon, do you hear that? I mean, Amy is the key to your happiness. Psychic: Exactly. Personally and professionally. Everything will fall into place once you commit to her. Sheldon: You know what this is? Yeah, and I reserve this word for those rare instances when it's truly deserved. This is malarkey. Penny: Wow, you really struck a nerve. I've never heard him use the M word before. Scene: Raj's apartment. Raj: Here we go, House of a 1,000 Corpses. Emily: Now, just so you know, I was a nanny for three years, so if you get scared, I can totally change your diaper. Raj: Actually, I have to tell you something. These kind of movies really aren't my thing, so, last night, I watched it just to see what I was getting myself into. Emily: Okay. Raj: And I have to be honest, I thought it was disturbing and weird, and it made me wonder what it says about someone who enjoys it. Emily: I wonder that, too. Raj: Then, why do you watch these things? Emily: Can I tell you something without you judging me? Raj: Sure. Emily: They kind of turn me on. Raj: And play. Scene: The apartment. Sheldon: Hello. I didn't expect you this evening. Amy: Well, I was just feeling so bad about lying to you the other night, I wanted to make it up to you. Sheldon: And how do you propose to do that? (Amy takes off coat and is dressed as a Catholic schoolgirl) Unless you have Gravity on Blu-ray under that skirt, I don't know where you're going with this.

After reinstating "Anything Can Happen Thursday", Sheldon, Leonard and Penny wander around town looking for a new restaurant or things to do. They find Amy and Bernadette having dinner after lying to their friends. They were tired of hearing Sheldon moan about searching for a new research field and Penny for complaining about her horrible movie. Leonard sympathizes, so Sheldon and Penny storm off. Bernadette admits lying to Howard too. Amy tells Leonard she is jealous of how comfortable Sheldon is with Penny. Penny calls Howard and says Bernadette lied to him, but Bernadette says she will just put on a Catholic schoolgirl uniform to make it up to him. Raj and Howard watch a horror film, which both find disturbing, to prepare Raj for watching it with Emily. Emily later says she too finds the film disturbing, but Raj watches it with her after she says it also turns her on. After dinner, Penny drags Sheldon to a psychic who says all his problems will be solved if he commits more to his lady friend - Amy. A rattled Sheldon scoffs at this "malarkey". Later, Amy shows up at Sheldon's door dressed as a Catholic schoolgirl to apologize for lying, but Sheldon acts unmoved.

fd_Once_Upon_A_Time_02x01

fd_Once_Upon_A_Time_02x01_0

-[Real World]- (In New York City, a man in business attire walks through the streets. He travels by foot, then by subway, until arriving at his apartment. Inside, he sees that it's raining and that he left his window open. As the man attempts to close the window, he drops his cell phone down the fire escape. Frustrated, and the window remaining open, he leans his head against the window sill. Suddenly, a pigeon lands the sill and then quickly flies away. When he looks up, he sees that it has left a postcard from Storybrooke. On the back, the word 'broken' is written.) -[Fairy Tale World]- (Prince Phillip and Mulan ride towards an abandoned castle on horseback. When they arrive, they discover Aurora lying on a dais, seemingly under a spell. Phillip cuts through the vines, while Mulan hangs back.) Prince Phillip: If this works, we don't tell her everything. Not right away. (Mulan nods. Prince Phillip kisses Aurora, which causes the spell she was under to be broken. A pulse of magic spreads throughout the land. She wakes up and gasps.) Aurora: Phillip... Prince Phillip: Yes, Aurora. Aurora: I told you not to come after me. (They kiss yet again. Phillip then helps her up.) Aurora: How long have I been asleep? What happened? Prince Phillip: It doesn't matter. The worst of it is over. Now that we're together, we'll restore this castle and our kingdom. As we dreamt. We'll be here always. Aurora: Where is everyone? Why does it need to be rebuilt? Prince Phillip: It's a long story. And you, my love, need rest. Aurora: I've had my fill of rest. Prince Phillip: Come with me. Our people have gathered in a new safe haven. We must join them. Aurora: A safe haven... From Maleficent? Prince Phillip: No. Worry not - she can no longer harm us. Aurora: First, she goes after my mother, then me. Forgive me if I'm still a bit wary. Prince Phillip: Don't be. There are new dangers now. But nothing we can't handle. -[Real World]- (In Storybrooke, the purple smoke is still swirling around the town. Mary Margaret and David are on the main street.) MMB: What's happening? David: Let's find out. (The purple smoke dissipates. The two of them come across Granny and Ruby's reunion.) Granny: Oh! (Granny engulfs Ruby in a hug. Ruby then spots Mary Margaret.) Ruby: Snow? (Mary Margaret and Ruby embrace. Meanwhile, the 'seven dwarves' find the group.) Leroy: Your Highness. (Mary Margaret and the seven of them share a group hug.) Leroy: The curse... It's broken? David: Well, it appears so. Ruby: So, what do we do now? MMB: Now? Now I find my daughter. (Emma, who has been standing behind them, speaks up.) Emma: So, it's true. (Mary Margaret cups Emma's face before hugging her. Emma does not return the gesture.) MMB: You found us. (David joins in on the hug. Henry had also arrived with Emma.) Henry: Grandpa? David: Yeah, kid. I suppose so. (More hugging...) Henry: She did it. She saved you. MMB: She saved all of us. Emma: I... Well... Leroy: Uh, then why are we still here? David: That, my friend, is an excellent question. Mr. Clark: Well, what was that smoke? Group: Who did this? What was that smoke? Walter: A-And why? Group: And what was that smoke? (Mother Superior joins the crowd.) Mother Superior: Magic. It's here. I can feel it. Henry: Magic? In Storybrooke? You're the Blue Fairy. Do something magical. Mother Superior: It's not quite that simple, Henry. No wand, no fairy dust... Matters are complicated, now. Leroy: Let's go to the person responsible for bringing it - the Queen. Emma: No, wait. It wasn't Regina. [SCENE_BREAK] (Mr. Gold and Belle are by the well in the woods.) Mr. Gold: My darling Belle... You have to tell me what happened to you. Belle: I was abducted. Mr. Gold: Regina. (Belle nods.) Belle: She locked me away until her curse, and I've been in the asylum ever since. Mr. Gold: For twenty-eight years? (She nods.) Mr. Gold: All these years, you've been here. Alive. Belle: Is... Is that... Is that why you did this? Why you wanted magic? For revenge? Mr. Gold: No, no. But it might come in handy. Belle: No. No. Mr. Gold: I cannot let this stand, Belle. I will not let this stand! Belle: Look, promise me. Promise me you won't give in to your hate. Promise me you won't kill her. Promise me, and we can be together. Mr. Gold: Sweetheart... I promise. (They kiss.) [SCENE_BREAK] (The crowd on the main street are walking towards Mr. Gold's Pawn Shop.) MMB: Is there anything that you want to ask us? You must have questions. Emma: The only questions I have are for Mr. Gold. Why did he double-cross me, and what did he do to this town? MMB: Uh... Shouldn't we talk about 'it' first? Emma: What? MMB: Us, your life, everything? Emma: Can we do everything maybe later? Like, with a glass of wine. Or...several...bottles. David: I know it's a lot to take in - for all of us. MMB: And we don't want to push, but we've waited for this moment for so long- Emma: Yeah, so have I. I've thought about this moment my entire life. I've imagined who you might be. But, of all the scenarios that I concocted, my parents being... I-I just need a little time. That's... That's all. (A din is developing in the background. A man shouts.) Man: Come on! (The group looks behind them, and sees an angry mob running down one of the cross streets.) David: Snow. (Archie quickly runs up to the group.) Archie: There you are. Come with me. I need your help. Dr. Whale's whipped everyone into a frenzy. They're going to Regina's house. They're going to kill her! Leroy: Great, let's watch. Archie: No. No, we cannot stoop to her level. No matter who she is or what she's done, killing her is wrong. Henry: He's right. Please. She's still my mom. Emma: We have to stop them. David: If the Blue Fairy is right and magic is here, Regina could have her powers back. They'll be marching into a slaughter. (The group runs toward the direction of the mob.) -[Fairy Tale World]- (Phillip and Aurora are talking, while Mulan surveys the area. She pauses, then crouches down to feel the ground. She feels a vibration and draws her sword. From below, a wraith bursts through, throwing Mulan backwards. Phillip draws his sword and swings it wildly at the wraith.) Aurora: Phillip! (He eventually hits the chain of the medallion around the wraith's neck, causing it to fall to the ground. The wraith flies away. The three of them gather, and Phillip bends over to pick up the dropped medallion.) Aurora: What was that thing? Prince Phillip: Something bad. (Phillip looks down at the medallion in his hand.) -[Real World]- (Mr. Gold and Belle arrive at the pawn shop.) Mr. Gold: You, uh... You wait here, Belle. I'm going to find you something to wear. You've spent enough time in these rags. Belle: Thank you. (Mr. Gold goes into the back room, while Belle waits out front. After putting on a pair of gloves, Mr. Gold pulls a chest off of one of his shelves and opens it. Inside, there is the wraith's medallion.) [SCENE_BREAK] (The angry mob have reached Regina's house. Dr. Whale bangs on the door.) Dr. Whale: Open up! Open up, or we're coming in! (Regina casually answers the door.) Regina: Can I help you? Dr. Whale: That smirk isn't going to last forever, Regina. you took everything from us, and now- Regina: What? Now you're going to kill me? Dr. Whale: Eventually. But first, you need to suffer. Regina: Listening to you has been enough suffering for all of us. (Regina pushes Dr. Whale off the step.) Regina: That's right. You wanted to see your Queen? Well, my dears. Here... She... Is. (Regina extends her arms in an attempt to do magic, but nothing happens. The crowd flinches, but realizes that she can't perform magic.) Crowd: She's powerless! Regina: What? Crowd: Get her! (Dr. Whale grabs Regina and slams her against the doorway pillar.) Dr. Whale: Now... Where were we? (Emma comes rushing through the crowd, with the rest of the group behind her.) Emma: Let her go. Let her go! Let her go! (She pushes Dr. Whale away from Regina.) Dr. Whale: Why should I listen to you? Emma: Because I am still Sheriff. David: And because she saved you. All of you! MMB: And because no matter what Regina did, it does not justify this. Emma: We are not murderers here. Dr. Whale: Well, we're not from this world. Emma: Yeah, well, you're in it now. (David pushes Dr. Whale.) David: Okay, Whale. We're done. (Dr. Whale pushes back.) Dr. Whale: Back off. You're not my prince. David: Who are you, Whale? Dr. Whale: That's my business. David: Well my business, is making sure this town doesn't go to hell. So, whether or not I'm your prince, isn't the issue. We have a lot to figure out, and this isn't the way to do it. MMB: And Regina's death won't provide any answers. She needs to be locked up. For her safety and, more importantly, for ours. [SCENE_BREAK] (Emma, David, Mary Margaret, Regina, and Henry are at the station. They lock Regina in one of the cells.) Regina: So, I'm a prisoner now. David: The curse is broken. Why didn't we go back? Regina: Because there's nothing to go back to. That land is gone. MMB: We should get to Gold. (The four of them leave. Once she's alone, Regina attempts to magically unlock her cell door, but is unsuccessful. Mr. Gold enters.) Mr. Gold: Magic is different here, dearie. Regina: I noticed. I assume this is all your doing. Mr. Gold: Most things are. Regina: Get to it, Rumpel. What do you want? You're here to finish the job? Mr. Gold: No, no, no. You're safe from me. Regina: I feel so relieved. Mr. Gold: I made a promise to someone that I won't kill you. Regina: Who could elicit that from you? Mr. Gold: Belle. Regina: She's alive. Mr. Gold: You are a dreadful liar. Regina: I could've killed her, but I didn't. Mr. Gold: Yeah, you did much worse than that. You kept her alive, so you could kill her when it suited you. A fate worse than death. Which, incidentally, is exactly what I've got in store for you. (Mr. Gold grabs Regina's arm and pulls it through the bars. He takes the medallion and pushes it into the palm of her hand.) Regina: Is that... Mr. Gold: Yes, dearie. The one thing no one can escape - destiny. And, I promise, yours is particularly unpleasant. (He removes the medallion. Regina inspects her hand, but it appears unmarked.) -[Fairy Tale World]- (The three of them are still at the castle.) Mulan: Cretin. In your land, you would call it a wraith. Aurora: I'm sorry. Who is this? Mulan: A friend. (Mulan removes her helmet.) Aurora: You're...a girl. Mulan: Woman. My name is Mulan. Prince Phillip: In your absence, she's helped me like no other. We fought many battles together. Aurora: With a woman. Mulan: And now, we have another to wage. The cretin - the wraith - is one of the most dangerous creatures in all the known lands. A soul sucker. According to legend, it marks its victims and removes their souls - damning them for all eternity. (Screams are heard in the background.) Mulan: Those are the sounds of the souls that stopped trying to escape. But fortune favoured us, as we all avoided the mark. We need to begin our journey. Prince Phillip: It's okay. We'll be safe with our people. (Phillip hugs Aurora. It is then that he notices the mark on the palm of his hand.) Aurora: Phillip, what is it? (He quickly hides his hand.) Prince Phillip: Nothing. Everything's fine. -[Real World]- (Mr. Gold has brought his Dark One dagger and the medallion into the woods. He drops the medallion onto the ground, then raises the dagger.) Mr. Gold: The Dark One summons thee. (He stabs the ground with the dagger.) [SCENE_BREAK] (Meanwhile, Regina abruptly awakes in her cell. She stares at the palm of her hand, which now has a clearly visible mark.) [SCENE_BREAK] (Mr. Gold watches as the wraith emerges from the medallion and flies off.) [SCENE_BREAK] (David and Mary Margaret watch as Emma loads Henry into the car with Ruby.) Emma: Keep him safe, Ruby. David: Don't push it, Snow. MMB: I'm not... Emma: You guys ready? MMB: We need to talk. Emma: I... Well, I don't... I just... I don't want to talk. MMB: Well, I do, kay. Gold can wait. I can't. I mean, you're my daughter, and... I want to talk to you. I know that we have talked. But, we didn't know that we were talking. And we talked about things we probably shouldn't even have talked about - one night stands and the like. David: One night stands? MMB: Whale. David: Whale?! MMB: We were cursed. That is neither here, no there. The point is, we did not know that we were mother and daughter and, now, we do. And, so... Please, let's talk. Emma: Okay. What do you want to talk about? MMB: We're together - finally. And I can't help but think you're not happy about it. Emma: Oh, I am. But, see... Here's the thing - no matter what the circumstances, for twenty-eight years I only knew one thing. That my parents sent me away. MMB: We did that to give you your best chance. Emma: You did it for everyone, because that's who you are. Leaders, heroes, princes, and princesses, and that's great. A-And amazing. And wonderful. But it doesn't change the fact that, for my entire life, I've been alone. MMB: But, if we hadn't sent you away, you would've been cursed, too. Emma: But we would've been together. Which curse is worse? Come on. Let's just... Let's go find Gold. -[Fairy Tale World]- (The trio are riding through the woods on horseback.) Mulan: We should camp here tonight. The wraith only appears when light is absent. That's why it ran when it first appeared. Light is its adversary. Aurora: And you want to stop. Now? Mulan: It's looking for a mark - something alive. Our best bet is to be still until night passes. Prince Phillip: She's right. We have to rest here. (Phillip has set up a makeshift shelter for Aurora.) Prince Phillip: Here. You should sleep. Aurora: No. I-I can't. Prince Phillip: Just relax. It'll come. Aurora: No, I mean I won't sleep. Not after what I just went through. (Phillip's demeanor changes.) Aurora: What's wrong? Prince Phillip: I just missed you so much. Aurora: And now, you don't have to. Prince Phillip: I'm going to find wood to build this fire. I'll be back in five minutes. (They frenziedly kiss.) Aurora: That's a 'see you in five minutes' kiss? Prince Phillip: I'm making up for lost time. I love you. Aurora: I love you, too. -[Real World]- (Mr. Gold is making tea, when Emma, Mary Margaret, and David enter his shop.) Mr. Gold: What can I do for you? Emma: What you can do, is tell us what you did. Mr. Gold: I'm sorry. You're going to have to be more specific. David: You know damn well what we're talking about. MMB: You double-crossed Emma, you, uh, took your...potion, from her. David: And did who knows what to this town. Emma: And, worst of all, you risked Henry's life. Mr. Gold: Well, that is quite a litany of grievances now, isn't it? Emma: Maybe I don't need answers. Maybe, I just need to punch you in the face. Mr. Gold: Really, dearie? Allow me to answer your questions with some of my own, alright? Did your dear boy Henry survive? Emma: Yeah. Mr. Gold: Is the curse broken? And let's see. Uh, Miss Swan. How long have you been searching for your parents? Looks like you're reunited. Seems like, rather a punch in the face, I deserve a thank you. Emma: Twist my words all you want. What was the purple haze that you brought? Mr. Gold: You know... Magic. MMB: Why? Mr. Gold: Not telling. (A loud explosion rocks the building.) Emma: What the hell was that? (They rush over to the window to find that all of the transformers are blowing up outside.) Mr. Gold: That... Is my gift to you. That... Is going to take care of Regina. MMB: Emma, come on. David: We need to go take care of this. Emma: We're not done. Mr. Gold: Oh, I know. You still owe me a favour. (The three of them leave. Belle enters.) Mr. Gold: Hey. Belle: You lied to me. Mr. Gold: No, I-I kept my word. I, will not kill her. Belle: No. You toy with words like you do people. You're still a man who makes wrong choices. I thought you'd changed. Mr. Gold: What? In the hour you've known me? (Belle heads toward the door.) Mr. Gold: Belle, I... I'm sorry. Belle, I'm sorry. I am. (She leaves.) -[Fairy Tale World]- (At their campsite, Mulan is trying to start a fire with flint while Aurora watches. They hear the souls screaming.) Aurora: Where's Phillip? Mulan: I thought he was in your tent? Aurora: He said he was making a fire. Mulan: I'm making the fire. Aurora: I can see that. Mulan: He left. The voices are gone. Aurora: W-Why would he leave? Mulan: Because he was marked. (Mulan gets up to leave.) Aurora: What are you doing? Mulan: Going after him. He's sacrificing himself for you. Aurora: No, for both of us. We have to get him. Mulan: I'm going alone. You'll only slow me down. Aurora: No, I won't slow you down. Mulan! Mulan! (Mulan doesn't stop to wait for Aurora. Aurora chases after her.) Aurora: Mulan, wait! Mulan! Mulan! -[Real World]- (The wraith cuts the power off at the station, where Regina is still in her cell.) Regina: Hello? Who's there? (The wraith enters and pulls the door off of the cell. Emma, David, and Mary Margaret arrive as the wraith begins sucking out Regina's soul.) David: Hey! (David smashes the wraith with a chair. The wraith then begins throwing furniture around the station.) MMB: Over here! (Mary Margaret uses a lighter and an aerosol can to create a flamethrower, which drives the wraith out the window.) Emma: What the hell was that thing? Regina: A wraith. A soul sucker. MMB: Did I- Regina: Kill it? No, it's regenerating. It'll be back. It doesn't stop until it devours its prey - me. Emma: So, how do we kill it? Regina: There's no way. Can't kill something that's already dead. Emma: Then, we have a problem. David: No, we don't. Regina does. Regina: What? MMB: David? Emma: You want to let her die? David: Why not? Then it goes away and then, we're safe. Regina: That's quite the example you're setting for your daughter, there. David: No, you don't get to judge us. Regina: Let me ask you something. Where do you think that thing came from? Gold. Emma: I made a promise to Henry. She's not dying. MMB: If it can't be killed, what do you suggest? Regina: Send it somewhere it can't hurt anyone. [SCENE_BREAK] (Emma and Regina are in Regina's office. Regina pulls out the hat box containing Jefferson's hat.) Regina: Did Henry really ask you to protect me? Emma: Yes. (Regina pulls out the hat.) Emma: The hat. You had it all along. Regina: What do you mean? Emma: That's Jefferson's hat. Regina: Who's Jefferson? (Mary Margaret and David enter with brooms for improvised torches.) David: Torches - for when it comes back. I know it's old fashioned, but so am I. MMB: So. How does it work? (The three of them bring the hat and torches to another room.) Regina: It will open a portal to our land. All we have to do is send the wraith in there. David: Oh, yeah. Just that. MMB: I don't understand. I thought our land was gone? Regina: It is. But, sending it to a place that no longer exists... Well, that's banishing it to oblivion. (The lights begin to flicker as they hear the wraith approaching. They light their torches.) Emma: Regina. (Regina attempts to open a portal with the hat, but it only slightly spins.) Regina: I'm trying. (The doors to the room burst open.) -[Fairy Tale World]- (Mulan is trying to track Phillip in the forest, when she hears a noise behind her. She draws her sword, but discovers that it's only Aurora on horseback.) Aurora: I found one of the horses. I'm coming with you. Mulan: You need to stay here. It's dangerous. Aurora: I wasn't asking for your permission. Mulan: That thing out there is dangerous. And Phillip? He left to protect you. So, even if I don't believe in his methods, I'm going to honour his wishes. I'm going to keep you safe. Aurora: I never asked him to. Mulan: He never had to. Everything he does, he does for you. And now, he's going to die for you. Love is sacrifice. Something you clearly don't understand. Aurora: I'm not going to let him face that alone. Mulan: He won't. But, with all due respect, Your Highness? Phillip's best chance is me. Aurora: You love him. Mulan: What? Aurora: Phillip. You love him, too. Mulan: I owe him much. We fought many battles together side by side, nothing more. Aurora: Deny it all you want. I know love when I see it. Mulan: You're wrong. (They hear the wraith in the distance.) Aurora: Phillip... -[Real World]- (The wraith enters.) Emma: Regina. Regina: I know. (David uses his broom torch to keep the wraith at bay. Mary Margaret grabs a bottle of alcohol off of a nearby table and pours it along the railing in front of them.) MMB: David! (David gets behind the barrier and lights the railing on fire.) David: Hurry! Regina: It's not working! (Regina still cannot get the hat to open a portal.) -[Fairy Tale World]- (In the forest, Phillip, armed with a torch, tries to provoke the wraith.) Prince Phillip: Come on, you b*st*rd! (Mulan and Aurora arrive.) Prince Phillip: No! Stay back! Aurora: Phillip, what are you doing? Prince Phillip: I know what I'm doing. Aurora: No, please. We can help you fight! Prince Phillip: Go! It will find me. (The wraith howls.) Prince Phillip: I've been marked. It's too late for me. Go! There's no other way. Mulan: Yes, there is. Give me the talisman, and I can mark myself. You can live. Prince Phillip: This is my choice. To save you. To save both of you. Aurora: No, Phillip, I don't want to live without you. Prince Phillip: Neither do I. (The wraith arrives.) Prince Phillip: You two need to keep each other safe. Aurora: Phillip, no! Prince Phillip: I love you. (The wraith attacks Phillip and begins to suck out his soul.) Aurora: No! Stop! Phillip! (Phillip finally collapses and the wraith disappears.) Aurora: Phillip! Phillip! -[Real World]- (Everyone continues to hold off the wraith, while Regina still can't get the hat to work.) Regina: It's not working! Emma: What is the problem. Regina: Magic... It's different here. David: Now would be the time! (Emma touches Regina's shoulder, which seems to trigger Regina's magic. The hat begins to spin and the purple vortex appears.) David: It's coming! (The wraith gets past David's defense and charges towards Regina and the hat.) Emma: Regina! (Emma pushes Regina out of the way, causing the wraith to fall through the portal. However, on the way down, it grabs Emma's ankle and drags her through the portal, as well.) MMB: No! David: No! MMB: I'm not losing her again. David: Neither am I! (Mary Margaret jumps into the portal to follow Emma. David jumps towards vortex, but the portal closes before he can get through it. He ends up landing on the floor as Regina looks on.) -[Fairy Tale World]- (Mulan and Aurora have placed Phillip's body on the dais at the castle.) Aurora: This palace was to be our home. You have to spend eternity here. Mulan: How did you end up here in your cursed state. Aurora: You're not the only one who knows about sacrifice. (Mulan takes out the medallion and hands it to Aurora.) Mulan: You should have it. Aurora: Thank you. -[Real World]- (David frantically swipes at the floor, when he notices the crushed hat underneath him. He gets up a stalks towards Regina.) David: Where are they?! Regina: I have no idea. David: Are they dead? Regina: The curse - it destroyed all the lands. David: Are they dead?! Regina: I don't know. David: I should've killed you myself. Regina: Well, then. What's stopping you? (Regina magically throws David up against the opposite wall. Vines magically protrude from the wall, holding David in place while attempting to strangle him.) Regina: You think you're some heroic prince? Please. You're nothing but the son of a shepherd. I should've killed you when I could. And now... Now I can. (Henry and Ruby enter.) Henry: Mom? (Regina turns her attention towards Henry.) Regina: Henry, what are you doing here? Henry: What are you doing? Regina: It's okay. You're safe now. (The vines disappear and David falls to the ground. Ruby goes over to help him.) Henry: W-Where's my mom and where's- Regina: They're gone. They fell through a portal. They're... Henry, I'm sorry. Henry: No, you're not. You really are the Evil Queen. I don't want to see you again. Regina: No, don't say that. I love you. Henry: Then, prove it. Get Emma and Mary Margaret back. And until then, leave me - leave everyone - alone. Regina: But where will you go? David: With me. (The three of them exit, leaving Regina alone.) [SCENE_BREAK] (Mr. Gold is spinning straw at the wheel in his pawn shop. Belle enters.) Belle: Hi. Mr. Gold: Hey. Belle: I, uh, went for a long walk. Mr. Gold: I thought you didn't want to see me? Belle: I didn't. But I... I was worried. Mr. Gold: Well, the beast is gone and Regina...lives. Belle: So, uh... You didn't get what you wanted. Mr. Gold: Well, that remains to be seen. (She notices the chipped cup and picks it up.) Belle: You, uh... You still have it. My chipped cup. Mr. Gold: There are many, many things in this shop. But this? This is the only thing I truly cherish. And now, you must leave. Belle: W-What? Mr. Gold: You must leave because, despite what you hope, I'm still a monster. Belle: Don't you see? That's exactly the reason I have to stay. [SCENE_BREAK] (David and Henry arrive at Mary Margaret's apartment. David sees Henry staring at a picture of Emma and Mary Margaret.) David: Henry? Henry: Yeah? David: Don't worry. Emma and Mary Margaret - they're alive. Henry: How do you know? David: I have faith. Henry: But... David: Henry. Come here. I will find them. I will always find them. -[Fairy Tale World]- (Aurora is resting her head on Phillip's chest, when Mulan comes to fetch her.) Mulan: We should leave this place. It's not safe here. Aurora: But the wraith is gone. Mulan: There's more. You need to know everything. Much has changed in our land since you've been asleep. Aurora: It was less than a year. Mulan: In a manner of speaking. You see, as you slept, and Phillip and I searched for you, something worse happened. Aurora: What? Mulan: Are you familiar with Regina, the Queen? Aurora: Yes. Mulan: She cast a curse on this land. A terrible, terrible curse. It ripped everyone away to another world. Aurora: But, we're still here. Mulan: This corner of the land was untouched. No one knows why. But something saved us. And, for twenty-eight years, we were frozen. And then... Time started again. The terrible curse's power was weakened. Phillip and I were able to resume our search. We found you. But the land is ravished with dangers more fearsome than you can imagine. For those of us who remain, we found a safe haven. We must go there now. (They hear a noise coming from the hole where the wraith initially appeared. They go to investigate.) Aurora: Something's in there. Mulan: Stay back. Aurora: What did it bring? (Mulan peers into the hole.) Aurora: What is it? What do you see? (Mulan pulls back some of the rubble.) Aurora: Mulan what is that? Mulan: That... That, is what brought the wraith here. That's what killed our prince. (The camera pans to show Emma and Mary Margaret lying amongst the rubble near the hole.) -[End]-

In the Season Two premiere episode, "Broken," reality and myth begin to merge as the fairytale characters awaken from Evil Queen Regina's broken curse and remember who they were. But to their dismay, they aren't transported back to fairytale land. To make matters worse, Rumplestiltskin - aka Mr. Gold - in an effort to gain the upper hand in his power struggle with Regina, has introduced magic into the town. In fairytales magic has its place, but in our world it can have unfathomable consequences. Meanwhile, back in the fairytale land, Prince Phillip awakens his sleeping beauty, Aurora, but discovers that he and his traveling companion, Mulan, will soon have to face a deadly foe.

fd_Grey_s_Anatomy_03x23

fd_Grey_s_Anatomy_03x23_0

3x23: The Other Side of This Life (Part 2) (LA Scenes) (Addison and Naomi are sitting in the waiting room of Oceanside wellness) Addison: I just never thought about it. What I would do, you know? What the dream would be if I couldn't have my dream. Naomi: Empty office. Addison: Okay, what are we doing? I thought we were going to lunch. Why are we still sitting here? Naomi: We're doing what I do when I get depressed. Just wait. What time do you have? Addison: It's 5 to 1:00. You know what? I'm glad I can't have a child. With my luck, I'd probably have a kid with two heads. It...it's actually better. I'm grateful. I don't have to think about it. The option is...off the table. (Violet walks up) Violet: What time do you have? Naomi: 5 to 1:00. Addison: You people are obsessed with time. Violet: Here he comes. (Dell walks by in only a pair of shorts with his surf board) Naomi: Hi, Dell. Violet: Have a nice... surf. Dell: I'll see you guys after lunch? Addison: You two should be ashamed of yourselves. Naomi: Admit it. You feel better. Violet: And if not, there's another showing in an hour, and it's wet. (Seattle scenes) (Jane Doe's room) Jane Doe: My brain is bleeding? How could my brain have been bleeding since the accident? Derek: Well, it could be from the trauma, but it also could be from one of your surgeries. Jane Doe: Dr. Shepherd, I've been living in this hospital long enough to know when there's something one of you isn't saying. Derek: Because of the location of the bleed, you need to be awake during surgery. You'll be sedated, alert, but, but it can be a really dangerous process. There's a lot about the brain we don't know. Jane Doe: So... I could potentially get my memory back? Derek: Mm. It's possible. Amnesia can be a symptom, but I think it's a long shot. I'll do some brain mapping and see if anything happens, but... Jane Doe: But I could. get my memory back? (Meredith enters the room where Bailey, Thatcher and Susan are) Meredith: You're back? What happened? Bailey: She's got a fever, and I think I hear a small murmur. Thatcher: A heart murmur? Susan: Don't be dramatic. At least it's not the hiccups. Bailey: Could be complications from the endoscopy. Meredith: Bacterial endocarditis? Bailey: You'll have to get tests, and if they come back positive, you'll be admitted for I.V. Antibiotics. Meredith: ...which should knock it right out. Susan: See? I told you. Don't be dramatic. (Alex catches up to Jane Doe who is in the hall walking) Alex: Hey, hey. You're supposed to wait for me. Jane Doe: I'm going crazy just sitting there. Alex: Hey, look, I'd be freaked out, too, if somebody was about to open up my head, but Dr. Shepherd, he's the best. Jane Doe: I can't hold my baby, right? She's...she's in that incubator. And so the nurses told me to talk to her. And I try. Guess what. Right now, I have nothing to say. You know, I don't even remember what it feels like to be outside, to have the wind in my face or rain or...I know the surgery is dangerous, but...I'm not freaked. I can't wait. Alex: Well, there's no guarantee the surgery's gonna bring back your memory. Jane Doe: But there's a chance. It's better than nothing. (Sam and Violet are walking through the hall) Sam: Good news. Uh, Paul's lack of s*x drive comes from a hormone imbalance. Violet: So Paul still likes s*x? Sam: Yeah, well, he's a guy and he's not dead, so I'm guessing yeah. He just...he just can't do anything about it. Violet: And that's good news? Sam: The bad news is that there could be many causes to this imbalance, some more serious than others. So final diagnosis and treatment could be a lengthy process. We're gonna have to run more tests. Violet: So it might be a while before Paul can help Kathy...take the edge off. Sam: Tell her to try swimming. It's easier on the knees. (Addison enters Pete's office) Addison: So...you're the quack. Pete: Uh, I went to med school. I'm also a licensed herbalist, and I spent five years in china learning alternative medicine. Addison: Like I said... quack. Pete: Come here. Unless you need to go tell someone you saw goody Johnson with the devil. Addison: Okay. Pete: Lie down on the table. Addison: Why? Pete: I wanna show you that I'm not a quack. Addison: I'm not taking my clothes off. Pete: Did I ask you to take your clothes off? N ow...you carry a lot of tension in your shoulders and above your right eye. Addison: What do you mean? Pete: You're blocking some serious emotion. Hang on. Addison: What...what are you doing? Pete: Stop saying "ow." It doesn't hurt. Okay, I'm done. Addison: Wait, wait, wait, wait. Where are you going? You can't leave me here like this. Pete: Lie there. Don't move. Breathe. You're going to experience a rush of emotion, a release of...psychic pain. Addison: Hello? Hello? I don't feel anything...except stupid for...letting a cute hippie boy put needles in my face. Hello! Yeah, Pete...I...this isn't working. I don't have any...psychic pain. I... I'm great. Barren, but...fan-freakin'-tastic. You can come back now. I am not feeling any, you know, rush of emotion or anything. I don't feel... anything. I don't feel anything at all. I don't feel anything at all. I hate L.A. (Derek sits on a bench outside with Meredith) Derek: Hey. Meredith: Hey. Derek: I heard Susan was back. Is everything okay? Meredith: Oh, an infection. She'll be fine. Derek: Oh, good, 'cause I figured if anything was wrong, you'd tell me. Meredith: If it was serious, I would, in a very "letting you in" sort of way. You know, it's weird. Derek: What? Meredith: My father...we're almost talking. Derek: Really? Meredith: How's the trailer? Derek: It's freezing. Y ou want to eat later? I'll bring something over. Meredith: Are you using me for central heating? Derek: Among other things. Meredith: Okay. Derek: All right. (Lisa and Jim enter the clinic) Dell: Lisa? Lisa: I think something is wrong. Jim: She's in pain. Addison: Lisa? Lisa: Addison, something is not right. Oh, my god. I think I just wet my pants. Addison: No, your water broke. She's in labor, and it's coming fast. Naomi: I'll call an ambulance. Uh, go get Cooper. Addison: And let the hospital know we're coming and call the chief. I don't want any problems when I try to scrub in. (The ambulance arrives at the hospital) Addison: Breathe Lisa: I need to push! Addison: Don't push. Get her into labor and delivery right away. Jim, check her in. Carol: Lisa! Is she okay? Are they okay? Keith: What happened? It's too early. Rick: She's not due for another month. Addison: Well, I'm guessing that the stress of you all fighting and crowding her, declaring yourselves the father didn't help. Move! (Violet's office) Violet: Any word on Lisa and the baby? Pete: We're still waiting. Violet: Therapy sucks. Pete: Said the shrink. Violet: No, I mean my particular brand of therapy might actually be...full of crap. People talking about their problems endlessly, telling people to think positively, visualize their destiny. Pete: It doesn't work? Violet: I think positively. I visualize my destiny. And look, just look. Pete: What am I lookin' at? Violet: Me...my pathetic, miserable existence. He left six months ago. He was a loser! Do you know he peed a little bit every time he coughed? Like an incontinent old woman. He smelled like pee. And there I was, in the car, crying, and I'm a serious feminist. Not to mention, my no-sex couple? Turns out it was a hormone thing. It's physical. In the old days we would've talked and talked and talked as Paul got sicker and sicker. My profession's becoming irrelevant. Maybe it's a good thing. Pete: People should just tell the truth to the people in their lives. Violet: They can't. If they could, we'd all be healthy. Pete: Like me. Violet: You're not healthy. You're in denial. Pete: I am not in denial. Violet: You're in denial, and you're angry. You're the angriest man I know. Pete: Is that why you won't sleep with me? Violet: You're in denial, you're angry, and you use s*x as weapon to deflect it. Pete: Oh. (Jane Doe's OR) Derek: Now stimulating area 11. Alex: Ava, can you name this object? Jane Doe: Flowers, pink and blue. Derek: Avoiding area 11. Moving superiorly. This will be area 12. Jane Doe: Una cara con los ojos azules y el pelo rubio. Alex: Was that Spanish? Jane Doe: Was it? Derek: Okay, I'm going on to 13. Jane Doe: Il maison avec des galets rouge. Alex: All right. Now you're just showing off. Derek: Each language is stored in a different area of the brain. And as I stimulate them...this will be 14. Alex: So this isn't from the surgery? She actually speaks Spanish and French? Jane Doe: Alex...das ist noch das haus. Alex: And German? Derek: She's hypoventilating. Let's put her under and work on the bleed. Alex: Can't we keep going just a few more minutes? Maybe she can get her memory back along with the languages. Derek: If we don't control this bleed, she'll lose a lot more than her memory. She'll die. (Lisa's OR) Lisa: Why is this happening so fast? Nurse: Uh, doctors? Addison: Cooper, she's crowning. Cooper: All right, just don't push, Lisa. Lisa: Oh, push? Okay. Addison: No! No, don't push, Lisa. The cord's wrapped around the baby's neck. Lisa: Oh, I'm sorry! I can't help it! God! Oh! Cooper: I'll hold her. You clamp and cut. Addison: Okay. Cooper: Is she okay? Addison: Hang 20 of oxytocin. 8 French suction catheter. Lisa: Why isn't she crying? Addison: Dr. Freedman's gonna be working on her. We need to focus on your right now, Lisa. Fortunately, you're not bleeding that much, so we should be able to remove the placenta by... Lisa: By...by what? By what? Addison: Put her under, now. Cooper: What's going on? Addison: Her uterus must have ruptured because of the placenta accreta. We have to open her up. Lisa: No, no, no, no, no. The baby's not crying. Nurse: B.P.'S 58 over 32. Lisa: Don't put me under till the baby cries. Addison: We don't have time, Lisa. We have to put you under right now. Cooper: Go, Addison. Lisa: Okay. Addison: Hang two units of b-positive and make sure we have plenty on standby. She's gonna exsanguinate if we don't move quickly,people.10-blade . (Addison goes outside to where the others are waiting) Addison: Lisa lost a lot of blood, we had to put the baby on oxygen, but they are both stable. Doug: Who's the father? Jim: What? Rick: You said you sent off for the paternity test. Which one of us is the father? Carol: Did Lisa say anything, her decision about the baby? Addison: Lisa lost a lot of blood, we had to put the baby on oxygen, but they are both stable. I say it again because it seems like you didn't hear me the first time. They almost died. Lisa almost died. And so I didn't have time, what, with, um, trying to save her life, to pause and check on the paternity test or ask her about the baby's future. What is wrong with you people? Carol: Can...can we see the baby? Addison: No. None of you go near Lisa or the baby until I say so. The child is not a possession that you fight over. And by the way, not that you asked, it's a girl...6 pounds, 9 ounces. (Jane Doe's room) Jane Doe: I don't remember. Alex: Hey. We got it, the bleed. You're gonna be fine. By the way, uh, you rocked that surgery. You spoke three languages. Jane Doe: I don't remember anything. Alex: The surgery was sup... Jane Doe: I th...thought I would...what am I gonna do? What if... what if I never remember anything? (The clinic, George is laying on a gurney) Bailey: You sick, O'Malley? You feel fine. Take an aspirin and get off my clean bed. George: You been married a long time, right? Bailey: O'Malley, I do not have time to answer... George: Did you have doubts...about your marriage? I don't mean, uh, insecurities. I mean really serious doubts. Nurse: Dr. Bailey, I need you to sign this before I can discharge bed ten. Bailey: No. He's supposed to get an I.V. Dose before discharge. Why don't people listen? (Susan's room) Susan: Someday you'll have to explain to me how antibiotics actually work. They are miraculous. Richard: Good afternoon. Uh, Dr. Bailey asked me to look in. Everything looks good. We are going to take you to radiology to get a central line to continue your I.V. Antibiotics outpatient. Susan: Okay. Hey, will you show your dad the cafeteria? Meredith: Sure. We're on to you, you know? Susan: What? (The clinic, Burke is hiding behind a curtain) Burke: Dr. Bailey. I was...looking for some privacy, and, uh, I didn't think anyone would come looking for me down here. I apologize. Bailey: No problem. Take your time. Burke: Uh, Dr. Bailey. Bailey: Yeah. Burke: Um, you've been married a long time now, right? Do you think it matters if one person...is...is more ready? Bailey: O'Malley! George: Yeah. Bailey: Come here. George: Yes. Hi, Dr. Burke. Bailey: I want the two of you to talk to each other. I want you to talk to each other and leave my marriage out of it. I also want you to leave my clinic out of it. And by that, I mean get out. I need the space, I need the peace, I need the quiet, and I need it now. George: Sorry. Burke: Yeah, right, sorry. (The kitchen at Oceanside wellness) Violet: Cooper, you're blocking the caffeine. Naomi: He's blocking the caffeine. Violet: Cooper, if you move, I'll give you a cookie. Naomi: Hey, did something go wrong with Lisa's surgery? Cooper: No, uh, we handled it. Addison...she is, pretty excellent. She's pretty excellent. Violet: Okay, only because you've sighed twice...what's the matter, Cooper? Cooper: I don't go to hookers. I don't go to strip clubs. I meet women on the internet that want to meet me. So I like 'em a little younger and a little dirtier. Is that wrong? It's wrong? Naomi: You need to meet a grown-up. You need to date someone your own age. Violet: Someone without a porny internet name and...and perhaps no criminal past. Naomi: A nice girl. Violet: A viable girl. Naomi: Someone with whom you can have a relationship. Violet: You're a respected doctor. Naomi: Go out in the real world, meet a woman your own age and ask her out. Violet: Be a man, cooper. Be a man. (LA scenes) (Addison is in the stairway crying and Pete enters) Pete: There you are. I just stopped by to see how Lisa and the baby are doing. You okay? Addison: Yeah. I just...I...I had a little too much surgery today. But I'm...I'm good. Pete: You look good. You look... beautiful. Sam told me that I had to stay away from you because you're Naomi's friend, but... Addison: Stop it. Pete: What? Addison: You're flirting. Pete: What's wrong with flirting? Addison: What's wrong with it? What's wrong? What's wrong is that I don't have time for it. I am... out of time. I missed my chance. And now I have two eggs left. I might as well have no eggs left. I am egg-less. Naomi says that she's dried up? I'm the one who's dried up. I'm all barren and dried up. And I have clearly been wasting my time on men. I mean, I might as well take up hobbies, like needlepoint or, um, collecting those little ceramic dolls, you know? Because that's what dried up women do. They do needlepoint. They do not waste their time flirting with men who clearly just want to get laid. They do not waste their time...telling overly personal...information about their eggs to total strangers. Oh, my god. I'm sorry. What are you doing? Pete: I'm gonna kiss you. I'm gonna kiss you with tongue. I'm gonna kiss you so you feel it. Okay? Addison: Okay. (They kiss) Why'd you do that? Pete: To remind you...that you're not dried up. If you need me to remind you again...let me know. Addison: Okay. (Susan's room) Meredith: When did the cramping start? Susan: A little while ago. Thatcher: What is it? Is it... Meredith: Probably nothing serious. It could just be a reaction to the antibiotics. We may have to switch to another one, but it may mean another night here. Susan: It's okay, it's okay. Meredith: It's okay. (Addison walks into a hallway where Carol is) Carol: Wait. I know...I know that you think we're awful, and I think that we're awful. I just, um...I just wanted a baby so badly. I just wanted a baby. And I don't care who the father is, I don't care if the baby's mine. All that matters is the baby. Is...is she gonna be okay? Just tell me that she's gonna be okay. Addison: She's gonna be okay. Carol: Thank you. Addison: You're welcome. (George and Burke are in the hallway) Burke: I hear Callie's going to be a bridesmaid. George: Yeah. Burke: Would you, um, say that you were the one that needed more urging to get married? George: Oh, I hadn't...really been thinking about it. I...it just, uh, seemed like a good idea at the time. You and Cristina have been together for a while. Burke: You got married pretty fast. George: So in theory it's better to know someone pretty well. Way better than... Burke: Still, no guarantees. George: I...I don't...believe in divorce. Burke: Neither do I. George: Is it possible...do you think, to love two people...at the same time? Burke: I, uh...I'm still hoping it's possible just to love one person. (Callie walks up to Izzie in the hall) Callie: Hey. So, uh, it's not gonna be too weird, right? Me as a bridesmaid? Izzie: No, no, it's fine. Callie: Cause I can tell Cristina... Izzie: I said it's fine. Really, no worries. Callie: So, um...did George tell you he's thinking about transferring to mercy west? Izzie: Yeah. Sounds like a good idea. Callie: So we're fine? Izzie: Oh, we are. Fine. (Izzie leaves and Cristina walks up) Cristina: Hey, that last dress was ok, wasn't it? I mean, it was too tight and I couldn't breathe, but...a wedding's just one day, right? Callie: Yeah. Cristina: Yeah. (Sam's office) Sam: We got Paul's M.R.I. back, and I've consulted with Dr. Straley at Sloan-Kettering. We found a tumor on your adrenal gland. All right? It sits right on top of the kidney, and it's what's been causing your low s*x drive. Kathy: So it wasn't me? He's got a condition. A...a tumor, that's not too...You can treat that, right? Sam: These tumors are usually aggressive and found late because the symptoms are so subtle. Paul: What is that mean? Sam: Treatment is difficult and risky, but there is hope. Kathy: Oh, my god, honey, I can't believe I yelled at you. I'm so sorry. Paul: It's all right, honey. It's okay. Kathy: No, I'm horrible. I'm so sorry. I love you so much. (Addison is talking to the elevator again) Addison: Hello? Hello? Are you there...Elevator god? It's me, Addison. Voice: What? Addison: Hi. Voice: Hi. Addison: Okay, look, you may be a figment of my imagination, or maybe I'm going completely insane, I don't know. Or maybe...this is payback for my crimes on some ginormous karmic level, I don't know. I just...I just want to tell you I'm sorry for yelling at you. Okay? Voice: Okay. Addison: Well...Bye. (Kathy and Violet are alone in her office) Kathy: I am such a screw-up...In my life. Up until now, I have been really great at one thing. I am great...at being Paul's wife. And I thought he didn't want me anymore. I thought...I was sure that he was in love with somebody else. Violet: Of course you were. Kathy: I lied to Paul. I was with a man that night that I didn't come home. I didn't even find him that attractive. I just told myself that I wasn't gonna settle for being alone, you know? Violet: Kathy, you were reacting to what was in front of you. There was no way you could know what was really going on. Kathy: What do I do now? Violet: You do what you're great at. You love your husband. Kathy: You're gonna have to tell me that a lot, okay? Violet: Okay. (Dell enters Naomi's office) Dell: Hey, everyone else is gone. I was heading out. Uh, unless...I was gonna get some food. You want something? Naomi: Oh...No. I...I ate. Thanks for asking. Dell: Another night? Naomi: Dell, are you... Dell: Asking you out on a date? Yes. Naomi: You can't ask me out. Dell: Yes, I can. Naomi: No, you can't. Dell: I asked. Naomi: You're...you're a fetus. You could be my fetus. Dell: Coo coo cachoo, Mrs. Robinson. Naomi: You can't use "the graduate" as a defense. You can't use a movie made before you were born as a defense. Dell: Go out with me. I like you, and you like me. Naomi: Dell. Dell: Yeah. Naomi: Never gonna happen. (Addison is at a bar with the other doctors) Addison: I'm starting to think L.A. is like New York, but with a beach. Pete: Why do you think we moved here? Sam: Uh, Pete. Uh, isn't it time for you to get some refills? Pete: Thanks. Sam: Thanks, buddy. Sam: Okay, Pete is my friend, don't get me wrong, but... Addison: Why are you warning me about him? What, is he like a serial killer? Is he a felon? Is he secretly my ex-husband's best friend? Sam: His wife died eight years ago. Addison: Now I feel shallow. Sam: No, it's just...He can't connect with women. He's a good man, but if you want someone who's gonna be there, then Pete's not that guy. (Violet and Cooper are at the bar) Cooper: This is nice, huh? Violet: It is. Cooper: Yeah. (He leans in for a kiss) Violet: No, no. Oh, no. Cooper: What? Violet: That's not nice. Cooper: Oh, you s...Hold it, hold it, hold on. You said, "be a man." Violet: Oh, Cooper, I commend you. You're making an effort. But I'm...I'm...but I'm your friend. You can't be a man with your friend. Isn't that settling? Cooper: Kinda, yeah. Yes. Violet: Okay. Cooper: Settling. Violet: Great. Cooper: Thank you, yes. Violet: But we're good? Cooper: We're very good. Violet: Okay. (Naomi walks over to Addison and Sam) Naomi: Hey, ex-best friend. Hey, ex-husband. Addison: You are drunk. Naomi: Ten more minutes, and I start dancing, and I require company. Sam: I don't think I've ever seen her drunk before. Addison: Sam...Did you cheat on her? Sam: Over the years, there have been temptations, but, no...I didn't. Addison: Was there a lot of fighting or... Sam: Hardly ever. Honestly...It was bad, what I did. I have no good reason. I woke up one day...And I couldn't do it anymore. It wasn't even a choice. I had a thought...Next thing you know...I'm burning it all down. I left her. I don't know why. I don't know why. What kind of a person does that? Addison: Hell if I know. And I did it, too. (At the bar) Violet: So I ran into Allan...At whole foods. Wanna hear something funny? He said he didn't believe in marriage, that marriage wasn't for him. But I guess that was wrong, because it only took him four months. Four months after we broke up, he got married, to someone who can't be more than 25 years old. Isn't that funny? Cooper: It heads off rejection. Violet: What? Cooper: That's why I like the internet. I can't stand the...It's horrible, being rejected. Violet: It is. (Preston enters his apartment where is mom is) Jane: Preston, I thought you had a late surgery. Burke: You know all that..."I trust you" crap? You've been pulling that on me since I was this high. Jane: Preston, language. Burke: No. "I trust you" is code for "learn from your mistakes." This is not a mistake. Jane: I never said it was a mistake. Burke: Cristina never knows what's good for her. That's who she is. Jane: Preston... Burke: She hates change. I lead. I have to. And then she's grateful. That's how it was with dating, with moving in. Then I'm pleased for you. Look, I am going to make her happy, mama. The wedding is a huge step, and she's being a great sport. You know why? Because she will be happy someday. Jane: If you are so sure...Why are you yelling at me? [SCENE_BREAK] (Susan's room) Meredith: What happened? Richard: She's septic. The sooner we can get her to an OR, the sooner we can help her. Let's move. Move. Thatcher: Richard, what...what happened? Richard: Extremely rare complication. Toxic mega colon with a perforation. Can you get your dad out of this room, please? Thatcher: This fast? How could... Richard: Sometimes it progresses this rapidly. Very rarely, but sometimes. We booked an O.R. Thatcher: You're going into surgery right now? I...I didn't sign a consent form. Richard: She needs surgery right now, Thatcher. Not tomorrow, not later today. Right now. Susan: Thatcher... Thatcher: Honey, listen... Meredith: We need you to stay back, okay? (Outside the OR) Meredith: You're gonna be okay. This happens. You're gonna be okay. We're losing her pulse she's coding. Richard: Okay, let's go. Let's move. Move. (Lisa's room) Lisa: She's okay, huh? I mean, after all she went through, she still looks pretty awesome. Cooper: Lisa, we need to know what you want to do with the baby. Lisa: Carol...she wants this so bad. Naomi: This is about what you want. We did find out the paternity. Lisa: No, no. I don't wanna know. She's awesome, though. Addison: You don't have to decide right now. Lisa: No. I know what I want to do. (Carol and the others are in the nursery while the doctors watch from outside) Pete: Lisa gave the baby to Carol. Cooper: On the condition they'd all be part of her life. Sam: So it turns out the baby will have three dads anyway. Naomi: And two moms. Violet: Lisa did a good thing. They look happy. Naomi: They look like a family. (Izzie is in the elevator with George) George: Izzie, look... Izzie: Look, I don't want you to go. To Mercy West...I don't want you...It's not fair. I know we can't help what happened, and I know that we didn't...I stood in that bridal shop with your wife, and I smiled and I talked, and I felt like...It's not fair. I don't want you to go to Mercy West because I'm losing my best friend, and it's not fair. It's just not fair. (They hug and then begin kissing) George: We can't. Izzie: I know. (The elevator doors open and Callie is outside them) Callie: Hey. I was looking for you. You ready to go? (Alex is taking Jane Doe for a walk outside) Alex: A lot of folks would kill for what you have, you know? A clean slate. So you don't remember? So what? You'll make new memories. Oh, wow. Look at that. It's so beautiful. Jane Doe: How can you be so...You're so good with me. What's wrong with you that you can't be this good with someone you have feelings for? What happened to you, Alex? Alex: Maybe I don't remember. So what? (Meredith, Richard and Bailey walks into the hall where Thatcher is. Derek is also nearby) Meredith: We...we did everything...we could. Thatcher: You...you said it was really simple and that it was this...small thing. Meredith: It was. (Thatcher suddenly slaps Meredith in the face) Thatcher: She had the hiccups. She came here...Because...because she trusted you. I trusted you. (Meredith runs off) Derek: Meredith, just stop...okay, just stop. Meredith: No, don't. Don't. MVO: At some point, maybe we accept that the dream has become a nightmare. Thatcher: She had the hiccups. Oh, god. The hiccups. (Burke and Cristina are finally alone) Burke: They've left. It's just us. Cristina: Oh, thank god. Ohh. I got a dress. Burke: Yeah? You happy? Cristina: Yeah. Are you...happy? Burke: Yeah. MVO: We tell ourselves the reality is better. (Meredith, Alex and Izzie are at the house) Alex: Limes! Meredith: Limes. Izzie: Limes. Alex: So what are we drinking to this time? Izzie: Friends. Crappy friends. Meredith: Family. Crappy family. Alex: Again? Meredith: Again. Izzie: Again. Meredith: Who wants another? (Derek is outside and once again is left alone) MVO: We convince ourselves it's better that we never dream at all. But the strongest of us, the most determined of us, we hold on to the dream. (Addison is preparing to leave LA) Naomi: You're ugly and old. Addison: I'll miss you, too. Okay. Naomi: There is an empty office. Addison: Don't tempt me. Naomi: Think about it. (Addison enters the elevator) MVO: Or we find ourselves faced with a fresh dream we never considered. Pete: Hold the door. MVO: We awake to find ourselves...Against all odds...Feeling hopeful. Addison: This is gonna sound...when no one else is around, the elevator kind of, uh...Talks to me. Pete: Hi, Tilly. Tilly: Hey, Pete. Pete: That's Tilly. She works security. The camera is right there. Addison: Oh. Hello, Tilly. Tilly: Hey, I get my kicks wherever I can. Pete: You goin' home? Addison: Yeah...Home. Pete: You get what you came for? Addison: I honestly...don't know. Pete: Do you want me to kiss you again? Addison: I think...not. Pete: Because of the elevators where you come from? Those horny, aphrodisiac elevators? Addison: Yeah, that, and, um...I'm not interested, so... Pete: Oh. You're interested. (Pete gets out of the elevator and slowly Addison does too. Addison drives her car back to Seattle.) MVO: And if we're lucky, we realize...In the face of everything, in the face of life...The true dream...Is being able to dream at all.

In Los Angeles, Addison deals with a difficult delivery after hearing bad news about her own fertility. She's also reminded that there's "an empty office" at the Oceanside Wellness Center. In Seattle, Derek performs emergency surgery on Ava as Alex lends emotional support; doctors find the cause of Susan Grey's hiccups; and Burke and George ask Bailey for marital advice.

fd_Degrassi_Next_Generation_04x03

fd_Degrassi_Next_Generation_04x03_0

At the store where Mrs. Del Rossi works (Marco is posing in a photo booth and for the last picture Dylan comes in and kisses him on the cheek.) Marco: You know my mother works here right? Dylan: It's not like she saw us. Marco: Hey ma! Mrs. Del Rossi: So you took the pictures? Marco: Yeah and they all turned out horrible. Mrs. Del Rossi: If papa gets to make your elections signs, I get to choose the shot. (Marco hands her the pictures after he ripped the bottom one off.) Mrs. Del Rossi: Shouldn't there be four? Marco: No there's just three. Mrs. Del Rossi: What are you talking about, horrible? Every one of these says president to me. Marco: Alright. I'll see you at home ma. Bye. (They walk away and Dylan speeds up ahead of Marco.) Marco: Dylan! Dylan! Wait up! Dylan! Where are you going? Dylan: Back to my dorm. Marco: Ok then. Take this with you. (Hands him the bottom picture) Make your dorm mates jealous. Dylan: They're straight. Marco: Make them uncomfortable. Dylan: Actually they don't have a problem with me being gay. I'm your boyfriend Marco! Marco: I know. Dylan: Yeah, well you're the only one in your family that does. (Hands him the picture back) Marco: Babe... Dylan: I'll call you later. At Paige's locker Marco: Paige. Hey I tried calling you last night. Paige: So said the call display! Not as many times as my brother though. Do you think I'd make a good travel agent? I so need a job. Marco: Wait you talked to Dylan? Paige: In between repeated calls to Spinner. Marco: Weird. He said he was gonna phone me last night. Paige: He was probably busy studying or joining secret societies. Whatever they do at university. Marco: Should I be worried? Paige! Paige: Dylan's hard to read ok? He has his little tantrum. (Paige walks into Alex who's sitting on the floor.) Paige: Ow. Alex: Try looking where you're walking. Paige: Ice patches, bottomless pits, dog crap and Alex! Pedestrian hazards to avoid. Alex: Nice shirt. Hate to bloody it. Paige: Nice attitude. Hate to deflate it by reminding you that you're a loser. Alex: Really? Who decided that? Paige: Everybody. Majority rules on these matters sweetie. In another area the school Chris: So. Why do girls always make your hair bigger? Emma: Why are you guys always catching us doing embarrassing stuff? Chris: How you been? Liberty: Good morning. Who else is ready to say gouda or perhaps goutier? Chris & Emma: Hey Liberty. Emma: Um hey Chris I'm sorry with what happened in the summer. Chris: Maybe we could go for a shake sometime. Emma: Yeah, maybe. In another place of the school Alex: Gay kid! Hey! (Marco keeps walking.) Alex: I said hey! Marco: You also said 'gay kid'. Something I tend not to answer to thanks. Alex: Okay school president, Mr. Prez, big guy! That more you? This election thing. What are the issues? Marco: Look I'm sorry Paige was rude to you okay? Alex: Doesn't matter. C'mon. Answer my questions like you care. Marco: Save it for the assembly Alex. Mr. Simpson: Hey Marco! Hope you're ready for a horserace! Marco: Alex is running? Mr. Simpson: Tells me she's hungry for blood. At any rate she's got a lot of kids talking already and not about you. Outside the school Liberty: Is this seat taken? Chris: I'm sorry, crispy bacon? Liberty: Is this seat taken?! Chris: No, no, no. Go ahead, sit down! Uh Buck 65. Liberty: For the headphones? Chris: That's who's on the system. *Takes off his headphones and they both listen to it* Liberty: I like this part. Chris: Yeah. Liberty: I've always wanted to broaden my knowledge of popular music. Chris: Professor Chris at your service! Liberty: Really? Chris: Yeah. Liberty: Maybe we could go to the record store sometime or CD shop... whatever. I'll buy you a falafel Chris: It's a date. In the cafeteria Paige: Alex?! Craig: As in most likely to succeed in killing someone? Alex? Hand me your nomination form. You need cash or whatever, I'm here. Spinner: Hang posters. Hazel: Hand out fliers. Paige: Whatever it takes to help! Marco: Alex's campaign is an illiterate catchphrase. I'm not so worried. (Marco turns on his phone.) Marco: I'll see you guys later. Craig and Spinner: Later. Hazel: No, Marco's not worried at all. Paige: Not about Alex. Let's just say Siegfried might be looking for a new Roy. Marco: Dylan! Hey can we talk? Dylan: Now's not a good time Marco. Marco: Ok I just had this really huge day. There's someone running against me now. Dylan: That's what happens at elections right? Marco: Right. Uh you forgot to call me last night. Dylan: After the thing with the pictures I came back to my dorm and uh I did a lot of thinking. Marco: Dylan c'mon! It was just a stupid picture! Dylan: It's not just a picture Marco and I can't do this anymore. I'm sorry. Not like this. I got to go. In Mr. Armstrong's class Mr. Armstrong: Liberty you wanna give it a try? Emma: (whispers) Liberty! Liberty: Uh buck 65? Mr. Armstrong: Nice try. JT? Okay let's try this one more time. Manny: Em! Liberty's losing her math. It must be love. Emma: You always think that and Liberty has dyscalculia remember? (Manny grabs Liberty's notebook and it falls on the floor.) Mr. Armstrong: Girls! The class is up here and Manny so are you. (Hands her the chalk while she flips open Liberty's book and puts it on Emma's desk) (Emma looks at the notebook and sees "Liberty + Chris" written on it and gives Liberty a look.) At Marco's house Mr. Del Rossi: Hey Marco! Where you go?! You don't want to see your posters?! Marco: Yeah sure...posters. Mr. Del Rossi: Hey your mom and I are very proud of you. We are going to come to the assembly for your victory speech. Marco: Um actually papa, there's competition now. Mr. Del Rossi: That's okay. Then these should help you win. See your mama, she pick the perfect picture. President. That's you! Marco: Yeah, yeah it's me. (Marco gets up and goes to his room, then his Mrs. Del Rossi enters.) Marco: I have to write a speech. Mrs. Del Rossi: Marco, what's wrong? Marco: The fact that I'm gonna actually have to eventually deliver a set speech. Mrs. Del Rossi: Marco. Marco: Relationship stuff ma. I met this person last year and...well we. Look people break up. I'll be fine, it's not a big deal. Mrs. Del Rossi: I didn't know you had a girlfriend. Marco: I don't. Mrs. Del Rossi: So it was Dylan. Marco: What? Dylan's my friend ma. I'm not gay... (Starts crying) I am. Ma I'm gay. (Both of them are crying now, Marco on his bed and Mrs. Del Rossi in the doorway.) [SCENE_BREAK] Outside walking Manny: So. Liberty and Chris! Emma: It's a crush, big deal! Manny: A date tomorrow after school. Liberty sees an opportunity, she goes for it. She's like a rabid wolverine. Inside the school Paige: So I've got ear cancer. Thanks. Last night Dylan had me on the phone for three hours all worried and since sanity's fled you I'm worried too. Marco: I came out to my mom last night. (Paige hugs Marco excitedly.) Paige: I love you! You know that right? Marco: Yeah. I just hope she still does you know? I mean she seemed a little... alright she seemed a lot... Paige: You've had a year of being gay Marco, she's had a night, of you being gay! Ok! I am SO calling Dylan right now! (Alex rips off a couple of Marco's posters.) Marco: Hey! Hey! What are you doing?! Alex: Most you can spend on your campaign is $40. Paige: Um they were for free. His dad is- Alex: Doesn't matter. Unfair advantage. Marco: Why are you doing this? Alex: Because you're running and because I can. Marco: Nobody's gonna vote for you. Nobody! Marco: Not yet. Marco: Not ever! Unless they open up votes to high school drop outs or your parole officer. Alex: We'll see. We'll ask the crowd at the assembly tomorrow, see what they say. Would you rather vote for a freak or a queer. By the way I'm the freak. Inside the school during gym class Emma: Nice form. Chris: Don't tease me. Emma: You know what you said yesterday about getting back together? I'd really, really like that. Chris: I said don't tease me. Emma: I'm not. What about tomorrow after school? Chris: Tomorrow? I got... Emma: Ok. I just thought we could start this year off right. Chris: I'll see what I can do. Emma: And I was teasing you about your form you know! It's awful! (Playfully pushes him as Liberty watches the two of them) Walking outside the school Manny: Okay tomorrow after school I'm gonna come over and I'm gonna loan you the coolest new skirt. Emma: Okay and I need this why?! Manny: For the whole get Chris back thing! I mean those legs of yours, they're a killer asset! Emma: I'm not trying to get him back. Manny: But you love him. I can see it in your eyes. Emma: I never said that. Manny: Okay I'm totally confused, Emma: I didn't want him to go on a date. Manny: Because you're jealous? Emma: Of Liberty Van Zandt?!? Yeah... Manny: You're embarrassed?! Emma: You wouldn't be? What are people gonna think of me if Chris goes out with Liberty next? Manny: That's the meanest thing I've ever you say and that's really saying something. At Marco's House Marco: Maybe we can tell papa that the assembly is student's only. Parents are not allowed. Mrs. Del Rossi: You would lie to him like that? Marco: Well maybe...maybe we don't have to. Maybe Alex is just bluffing, trying to freak me out before my speech. Mrs. Del Rossi: And if she's not? Marco: Look I don't know what to do ma! Mrs. Del Rossi: It...it breaks my heart that because you are gay these people will hate you. Marco: Ma nobody hates me! Mrs. Del Rossi: This girl... Marco: Yeah but that's not because I'm- Mr. Del Rossi: I'm home! Hey! The posters! They work good Marco? Marco: I'm dropping out of the election. Look I talked to the president from last year and he said it's a lot of work. Mr. Del Rossi: No, no Marco. You will do it! Marco: But my studies will fall... Mr. Del Rossi: For running I am proud of you! But not quitting. No, don't make me less proud. (Marco and Mrs. Del Rossi hug as his dad leaves the room.) At school Emma: Hey Liberty! I think I'm actually voting for Alex today. You? Liberty: You're dead to me. Emma: What? Liberty: Manny told me. Jealousy's really ugly Emma. Emma: No, no, no Liberty. It's just hard for me letting Chris go, that's all. Liberty: Well guess what? It's easy for me letting you go - straight to hell! In the hallway Alex: I feel like I'm gonna barf. Jay: Don't tell me you're serious about these stupid elections. Marco: Alex! Alex: Just who I wanted to see. What? Marco: Yesterday when you said you'd call me gay in front of the whole school- Alex: I was gonna call you queer, but if you prefer gay... Marco: I don't. Thanks. Look you have an actual chance at winning this. Alex: You think? Marco: So call me gay, queer, whatever, but is that how you want to fight? Or do you wanna try and win this election for real? Jay: Save it for Ms. Sauve! In the auditorium Alex: It's always the same. Some pretty boy or girl wants to be president and me...WE sit out while they have their special dances or trips nobody can afford. So I say screw 'em! Screw student council. No dances, no trips, nothing...not if it's gonna be just like last year. Take a chance and vote for me, it won't be like last year. I will make changes, where they count! So it's up to you Degrassi. What are you gonna do? Are you gonna vote for the freak... or the pretty boy? You'll have more fun with the freak. Mr. Raditch: Thank you Alex. Up next is Marco Del Rossi. (Cheering for Marco in the audience.) Marco: Look she's right. No, Alex is right. The school is split. But where she's wrong. Look. C'mon it's not the presidents job to remind us that we're freaks. I mean I do that fine all by myself. Jay: (pretending to cough) Queer! Mr. Raditch: Mr Hogart! I'll see you after in my office! Marco: Hey! Queer? Sure. Odd? Why not. Strange? You bet! I love this school and I promise if you vote for me I will bring Degrassi together in freakish harmony for the first time. For real. Thank you. (People clapping and cheering for him.) In the hall at school Liberty: (On the TV screen) The first council meeting will be Thursday at lunch and last but not least your student council president is Marco Del Rossi! Alex: Out of my way. Marco: I get to pick my vice president. Alex: I get to pick my nose. Marco: Alex... Alex: I don't play well with others. Marco: Good. I'm not asking you to play. I really liked your speech, but most important I think you can bring a lot to the position. Alex: Thursday right? Marco: Bring your lunch! (Marco sees Dylan and the two of them walk outside.) Dylan: Congratulations Mr. President. So, what does it feel like to be the most powerful man at Degrassi? Marco: Mixing me up with Mr. Raditch eh? Not cool, nor flattering... I really liked you being here today Dylan, probably because I just plain old like you. I told my mom. Dylan: Paige told me. Marco: But I'm not ready to tell me dad. Not yet. Dylan: You're eventually going to have to tell him...but uh when you're ready and I'm okay with that part! Mr. Del Rossi: Hey Mr. President! That's our new president! I'm so happy for him. So! How much you win by?! Marco: I won! Let's leave it at that. Mr. Del Rossi: I still think you could have used more posters! Marco! That boy! What he called out! And what you answer back! What is that? Marco: Dirty politics. I mean I guess queer was the worst thing he thought he could call me you know? Mr. Del Rossi: Still! You make me and your mama very proud of you today! Mrs. Del Rossi: Very proud. Didn't he Dylan? Dylan: He won Mrs. Del Rossi and I think that's great! (Mrs. Del Rossi kissed Marco on the cheek and her and Mr. Del Rossi left leaving Marco and Dylan together.)

Marco comes out to his mother and runs for Student Council President, but he could lose more than just the presidency when his opponent, Alex, threatens to reveal his secret to his homophobic father. Meanwhile, Chris wants to get back with Emma, but she's not interested until she notices sparks flying between him and Liberty.

fd_Buffy_the_Vampire_Slayer_01x02

fd_Buffy_the_Vampire_Slayer_01x02_0

Prologue: In every generation there is a Chosen One. She alone will stand against the vampires, the demons and the forces of darkness. She is the Slayer. Inside the mausoleum. Luke tries to bite Buffy, but burns himself on the cross hanging around her neck and jerks back. Buffy seizes the opportunity and push kicks him out of the coffin. She climbs out of it and races outside. Cut outside. Buffy runs to catch up with Willow, Xander and Jesse. She hears a vampire roar and a girl screaming and runs toward the sounds. Cut to Willow on the ground, about to be bitten. Willow: No! Get off! Buffy: Hey! The vampire looks up, and Buffy snap kicks him off of Willow. He gets up and runs away. Willow is shocked by what she sees. Buffy quickly starts the hunt again. Willow gets up and runs after her. Cut to Xander being dragged away by two vampires. Willow appears between two gravestones. Willow: Xander! The vampires are distracted. Buffy takes advantage of the opening and jumps in, high punches one and side kicks the other. She notices a dry branch on a tree and breaks it off. As one of the vampires gets up she plunges the stick into him. Willow rushes over to Xander who's still on the ground. Willow: Xander, are you okay? Xander: Man, something hit me. Buffy: Where's Jesse? Willow: I don't know! They surrounded us. Xander: That girl grabbed him and took off. Buffy: Which way? Xander: I don't know. She stands up straight and slowly scans the cemetery. Buffy: (whispers) Jesse! Opening credits roll. Buffy's theme plays. ~~~~~~~~~~ Part 1 ~~~~~~~~~~ The library. The globe is spinning. Giles stops it while he lectures and makes his way down to where Buffy, Willow and Xander are at the table. Giles: This world is older than any of you know. Contrary to popular mythology, it did not begin as a paradise. For untold eons demons walked the Earth. They made it their home, their... their Hell. But in time they lost their purchase on this reality. The way was made for mortal animals, for, for man. All that remains of the old ones are vestiges, certain magicks, certain creatures... Buffy: And vampires. Xander: Okay, this is where I have a problem. See, because we're talking about vampires. We're having a *talk* with vampires in it. Willow: Isn't that what we saw last night? Buffy: No. No, th-those weren't vampires, those were just guys in thundering need of a facial. Or maybe they had rabies. It could have been rabies. A-and that guy turning to dust? Just a trick of light. (Xander gives her a look) That's exactly what I said the first time I saw a vampire. Well, after I was done with the screaming part. Willow: Oh, I, I need to sit down. Buffy: You are sitting down. Willow: Oh. Good for me. Xander: So vampires are demons? Giles: The books tell the last demon to leave this reality fed off a human, mixed their blood. He was a human form possessed, infected by the demon's soul. He bit another, and another, and so they walk the Earth, feeding... Killing some, mixing their blood with others to make more of their kind. Waiting for the animals to die out, and the old ones to return. Cut to the sewers. Darla and Luke are forcing Jesse into the Master's lair. Luke: Move! They reach the lair and Luke forces Jesse down the slope to the floor below. The Master approaches. Master: Is this for me? Luke: An offering, Master. Darla: He's a good one! His blood is pure! Master: (draws the obvious conclusion) You've tasted it. Darla looks down in shame. Master: I'm your... faithful dog. You bring me scraps. Darla: I, I didn't mean it... Master: I have waited. For three score years I have waited. While you come and go I am stuck here, here in this house of... (with extreme contempt) worship! My ascension is almost at hand. Pray that when it comes... (takes Darla by the neck) I'm in a better mood. Darla: Master, forgive me! We had more offerings, but there was trouble. A girl! Luke: And there was a girl. She fought well and she knew of our breed. It is possible that she may be... Master: ...a Slayer! Cut to the library. Xander: And that would be a what? Giles: For as long as there have been vampires, there's been the Slayer. One girl in all the world, a Chosen One. Buffy: He loves doing this part. Giles: Alright. The Slayer hunts vampires, Buffy is a Slayer, don't tell anyone. Well, I think that's all the vampire information you need. Xander: Except for one thing: how do you kill them? Buffy: *You* don't, *I* do. Xander: Well, Jesse's my... Buffy: (interrupts) Jesse is my responsibility. I let him get taken. Xander: That's not true. Willow: If you hadn't shown up they would have taken us, too. Does anybody mind if I pass out? Buffy: Breathe. Willow: Breathe. Buffy: Breathe. (to Giles) This big guy, Luke. He talked about an offering to the Master. Now, I don't know what or who, but if they weren't just feeding then Jesse may still be alive. I'm gonna find him. Willow: Uh, this may be the dumb question, but shouldn't we call the police? Giles: And they'd believe us, of course. Willow: Well, we don't have to say vampires. We, we could just say that there's a, a bad man. Buffy: They couldn't handle it even of they did show up. They'd only come with guns. Giles: You have no idea where they took Jesse? Buffy: I looked around, but soon's they got clear of the graveyard, they could have just, voom! Xander: They can fly? Buffy: They can drive. Xander: Oh. Willow: I don't remember hearing a car. Giles: Let's take an enormous intuitive leap, shall we, and say they went underground. Buffy: Vampires really jam on sewer systems. You can get anywhere in the entire town without catching any rays. But I didn't see any access around there. Xander: Well, there's an electrical tunnel that runs under the whole town. Giles: If we had a diagnostic of the tunnel system it might indicate a, a meeting place, it would, uh... I suppose we could go to the building commission. Buffy: We *so* don't have time. Willow: Uh, guys? There may be another way. Cut to the Master's lair. Master: A Slayer! Have you any proof? Luke: Only that she fought me, and yet lives. Master: Hmm, very nearly proof enough. I can't remember the last time that happened. Luke: 1843. Madrid. He caught me sleeping. Master: She mustn't be allowed to interfere with the Harvest! Luke: I would never let that happen! Master: Don't worry about it. I believe she'll come to us. We have something she wants. Luke smiles at Jesse. Master: If she is a Slayer, and this boy lives, she'll try to save him. Luke: I thought you nothing more than a meal, boy. He moves behind Jesse and takes his neck. Luke: Congratulations. You've just been upgraded. To bait. Cut to the library. Willow has the city plans on the computer monitor. Buffy: There it is. Willow: That runs under the graveyard. Xander: I don't see any access. Giles: So, all the city plans are just, uh, open to the public? Willow: Um, well, i-in a way. I sort of stumbled onto them when I accidentally decrypted the city council's security system. Xander: Someone's been naughty. Buffy: There's nothing here, this is useless! Giles: I think you're being a bit hard on yourself. Buffy: You're the one that told me that I wasn't prepared enough. Understatement! (exhales) I thought I was on top of everything, and then that monster, Luke, came out of nowhere... She flashes back to the fight in the mausoleum. Xander: What? Buffy: He didn't come out of nowhere. He came from behind me. I was facing the entrance, he came from behind me, and he didn't follow me out. The access to the tunnels is in the mausoleum! The girl must have doubled back with Jesse after I got out! God! I am so mentally challenged! Xander: So, what's the plan? We saddle up, right? Buffy: There's no 'we', okay? I'm the Slayer, and you're not. Xander: I knew you'd throw that back in my face. Buffy: Xander, this is deeply dangerous. Xander: I'm inadequate. That's fine. I'm less than a man. Willow: Buffy, I'm not anxious to go into a dark place full of monsters. But I do want to help. I need to. Giles: Well, then help me. I've been researching this Harvest affair. It seems to be some sort of preordained massacre. Rivers of blood, Hell on Earth, quite charmless. I'm a bit fuzzy, however, on the details. It may be that you can wrest some information from that dread machine. Everyone stares at him. He looks back at them all. Giles: That was a bit, um, British, wasn't it? Buffy: (smiles) Welcome to the New World. Giles: (to Willow) I want you to go on the 'Net. Willow: Oh, sure, I can do that. (begins to type) Buffy: Then I'm outta here. If Jesse's alive, I'll bring him back. (starts to leave) Giles: Do I have to tell you to be careful? Buffy turns back, gives Giles a look and goes. Cut outside. Buffy is making strides for a side gate. Mr. Flutie is there and stops her. Mr. Flutie: And where do we think we're going? Buffy: We? (turns to face him) I... Me... Mr. Flutie: We're not leaving school grounds, are we? Buffy: No! No, I'm... just admiring the fence. You know, this is quality fence work. Mr. Flutie: Because if we were leaving schools grounds on our second day at a new school, after getting kicked out of our old school for delinquent behavior... Do you see where I'm going with this? Buffy: Mr. Giles... Mr. Flutie: What? Buffy: He asked me to get a book for him. Uh, from the store, 'cause I have a free period, and I'm a big reader. Did it mention that in my transcripts? Mr. Flutie: Mr. Giles? Buffy: Ask him. Mr. Flutie: (swings the gate closed) Well, maybe that's how they do things in *Britain*, they've got that royal family and all kinds of problems, (locks it) but here at Sunnydale nobody leaves campus while school's in session. Are we clear? Buffy: We're clear. Mr. Flutie: That's the Buffy Summers I want in my school. Sensible girl with her feet on the ground! He turns and leaves. Buffy watches him go. When he's gone a ways she crouches and leaps the fence. Cut to Willow and Xander walking down a hall. Willow: Murder, death, disaster. What else? Xander: Paranormal, unexplained, did you get natural disasters? Willow: Earthquake, flood. Xander: Rain of Toads. Willow: Right. Xander: Rain of Toads! Do you think they'd have anything like that in the paper? Willow: I'll put it on the computer search. If it's in there, it'll turn up. Anything that'll lead us to vampires. Xander: And I, in the meantime, will help by standing around like an idiot. Willow: Not like an idiot, just... standing. Buffy doesn't want you getting hurt. They stop in front of their next class. Willow: I don't want you getting hurt. Xander: This is just too much. I mean, yesterday my life's like, 'Uh- oh, pop quiz'. Today it's 'Rain of Toads'. Willow: I know. And everyone else thinks it's just a normal day. Xander: Nobody knows. It's like we've got this big secret. Willow: We do. That's what a secret is, when you know something other guys don't. Xander: Right. Look, maybe you should get to class. (indicates the door) Willow: You mean 'we'. We should get to class. Xander: Yeah. Willow: Buffy'll be okay. Whatever's down there, I think she can handle it. Xander: Yeah, I do, too. Willow: So do I! Cut to inside the mausoleum. Buffy comes in slowly, looking and listening. She scans around. Satisfied that no one's there, she walks down the steps to the floor. She hears a rat behind her and twists to look toward the sound. She continues and finds the tunnel access. It's locked with a chain. She lifts the lock. Angel appears behind her. Angel: (exhales) Buffy: I don't suppose you've got a key on you? Angel: They really don't like me dropping in. Buffy: (faces him) Why not? Angel: They really don't like me. Buffy: How could that possibly be? Angel: I knew you'd figure out this entryway sooner or later. Actually, I thought it was gonna be a *little* sooner. Buffy: Sorry you had to wait. (exhales) Okay. Look, if you're gonna be popping up with this cryptic wise man act on a regular basis can you at least tell me your name? Angel: Angel. Buffy: Angel. It's a pretty name. She turns to the tunnel entrance. Angel: Don't... go down there. Buffy: (turns back) Deal with my going. Angel: You shouldn't be putting yourself at risk. Tonight is the Harvest. Unless you can prevent it the Master walks. Buffy: Well, if this Harvest thing is such a suckfest why don't you stop it? Angel: 'Cause I'm afraid. She looks at him for a moment and then spins around quickly, kicking open the doors to the tunnel. She turns back to him. Angel: They'll be expecting you. Buffy: I've got a friend down there. Or at least a potential friend. Do you know what it's like to have a friend? He lowers his eyes as a look of sadness fills them. Buffy: That wasn't supposed to be a stumper. They look at each other a moment longer. Angel: When you hit the tunnels head east towards the school. That's where you're likely to find them. Buffy: You gonna wish me luck? Angel says nothing. They look at each other for another moment, then Buffy turns and heads into the tunnels. He watches her go. Angel: (whispers) Good luck! ~~~~~~~~~~ Part 2 ~~~~~~~~~~ Inside the tunnels. Buffy comes down a flight of stairs. She looks around. She hears rats. One crawls across her shoes. She slowly starts down the tunnels. There are lights at intervals. When she reaches an intersection Xander surprises her from behind. Xander: Did you see anything? Buffy: (exhales in fright) Xander, what are you doing here?! Xander: Something stupid. I followed you. Buffy: Well, you... Xander: I couldn't just sit at home and do nothing. Buffy: I understand. Now, go away! Xander: No! Buffy: Xander, you're gonna have to. Xander: Look, Jesse's my bud, okay? If I can help him out, that's what I gotta do. Buffy considers, then nods her head for him to follow. She starts down the tunnel again. Xander: Besides, it's this or chem class. Cut to them reaching the top of some stairs. Xander: Okay, so, crosses, garlic, stake through the heart. Buffy: That'll get it done. Xander: Cool! Of course, I don't actually have any of those things. Buffy: (hands him a cross) Good thinking. Xander: Well, the part of my brain that would tell me to bring that stuff is still busy telling me not to come down here. I have this, though. (turns on a flashlight) Buffy: Turn that off! Xander: (turns it off) Okay! Okay! So, what else? Buffy: What else what? Xander: For vampire slayage. Buffy: Oh, fire, beheading, sunlight, holy water, the usual. Xander: You've done some beheading in your time? Buffy: Oh, yeah. There was this time I was pinned down by this guy that played left tackle for varsity... Well, at least he used to before he was a vampire... Anyway, he had this really, really thick neck, and all I had was a little, little Exact-O knife... Xander laughs nervously. Buffy: You're not loving this story. Xander: No, actually, I find it oddly comforting. Cut to the library. Giles is reading from a volume. Giles: 'For they will gather and be gathered. From the Vessel pours life.' P... Pours life... He turns the page back to the picture of Satan feeding power to a man. Giles: 'On the night of the crescent moon, the first past the solstice it will come...' Of course. That's tonight! Cut to the computer lab. Cordelia is struggling with her assignment. Cordelia: No! It's supposed to find the syntax and match it. Or wait... Harmony: Are we going to the Bronze tonight? Cordelia: No, we're going to the other cool place in Sunnydale. Harmony looks confused. Cordelia: Of course we're going to the Bronze. Friday night? No cover? But you should have been there last night. 'Cause I ran into Buffy... Willow overhears the conversation. Cordelia: ...and can she be any weirder? She attacked me! Do you believe it? Harmony: (exhales) I think we did this part wrong. Cordelia: Why do we have to devise these programs, isn't that what nerds are for? (whispers, indicating Willow) What'd she do? Harmony: (looks at Willow's screen, then back) Uh, she's doing something else. Cordelia: Okay, and then pattern run, right? Or go to end? That's it! Harmony: Maybe! Cordelia: So anyway, I come outta the bathroom, and she comes running at me. Screaming! With a stick! 'I'm gonna kill you! I'm gonna kill you!' I swear! Boy: Who? Cordelia: Buffy! Harmony: The new girl? Boy: What's her deal? Cordelia: Well, she's crazed. Harmony: Did you hear about her old school? Cordelia and the boy both shake their heads. Harmony: Booted. Cordelia: Well, I exhibit no surprise. Boy: Why was she kicked out? Cordelia: Uh, because she's a psycho loony! Willow: (interrupting) No, she's not. Cordelia: What? Willow: (turns to them) She's not a psycho. You don't even know her. Cordelia: Excuse me? Who gave you permission to exist? Willow turns away, eyes down. Cordelia: Do I horn in on your private discussions? No. Why? Because you're boring. Willow gets up and goes to get her printouts. Harmony: Okay, I think the program's done. Cordelia: Finally the nightmare ends! Okay, so how do we save it? Willow: Deliver. Cordelia: Deliver? Where's that? (searches the keyboard) Oh! She hits the 'Del' key and her program disappears. Cut to the tunnels. Buffy: They're close. Xander: How can you tell? Buffy: No more rats. Xander turns on his flashlight and spots Jesse on the ground. Xander: Jesse! Buffy: Oh, no! Jesse reacts and jumps up. Xander: J-J-Jesse! Jesse: Xander! The two boys embrace. Xander: Jesse, man, are you okay? Jesse: I am not okay, on an *epic* scale. Buffy shines the light on the shackles around Jesse's ankle. Jesse: We gotta get outta here! Xander: It's cool, Buffy's a superhero. Buffy: Hold on... (breaks the shackles) Xander: Do you think anyone heard that? They see shadows moving on the walls and start to run down the tunnel. Vampires come around the corner. Cut to Xander, Buffy and Jesse in another part of the tunnel. Jesse: They knew you were gonna come. They said that I... I was the bait. Xander: Oh, great, now you tell us. They round a corner and are met by vampires. Buffy: Oops! Jesse: Oh, no, no, no, no! Buffy: Do you know another way out? Jesse: I dunno. Maybe. C'mon! They run. At another intersection they see eyes to their right. Jesse: Wait, wait. They brought me through here, there, there should be a way up. I hope! Jesse leads them to a chamber. Buffy: I don't think this is the way out! Xander: We can't fight our way back through those things. What do we do? Jesse: I got an idea. (vamped out) You can die! [SCENE_BREAK] ~~~~~~~~~~ Part 3 ~~~~~~~~~~ In the chamber. Xander: Jesse, man. I'm sorry. Jesse: Sorry? I feel good, Xander! I feel strong! I'm connected, man, to everything! Buffy begins struggling with the door, trying to close it. Jesse: I, I can hear the worms in the earth! Xander: That's a plus. Jesse: I know what the Master wants. I'll serve his purpose. That means you die. And I feed. Buffy: (looks back at them) Xander, the cross! He holds the cross up to Jesse's face. Jesse steps back and growls. Xander: Jesse, man. We're buds, don't you remember? Jesse: You're like a shadow to me now. Xander: Then get outta my face. Jesse knocks Xander's arm to the side, making him hit the wall. He jumps to the other side of the room, facing Xander. Buffy grabs him from behind and throws him out of the chamber into the advancing vampires, knocking them all down, and goes back to trying to close the door. Buffy: (to Xander) Help me! Xander jumps up to help and together they get it to move. They close it on a vampire's arm. The vampire pulls its arm back out of the door and Buffy slams it shut and closes the latch. The vampires begin pounding on the door. Buffy: We need to get out of here! Xander: There is no out of here! Xander uses his flashlight to look around. He spots a grate in the ceiling. Xander: Up there! Buffy leaps on top of a barrel and begins to pry the grate open. The vampires have started to bend in a corner of the door. They twist it and push it in further. Buffy gets the grate open. Buffy: Go! She helps Xander crawl up into a ventilation duct. A vampire starts to struggle through the bent corner of the door. He reaches in and pulls the latch open as Xander gets through the grate. Buffy follows him quickly as the first vampire enters the chamber. He follows them through the grate into the duct. Xander and Buffy crawl like mad. He finds a ladder up to a manhole and starts climbing the rungs. Buffy follows. The vampire is right behind them. Xander pushes open the manhole cover and climbs out into daylight. He turns to help Buffy out. The vampire grabs her ankle and tries to pull her back down. Buffy: Xander, pull! He pulls on her, and the vampire's hand is exposed to the sunlight and burns. The vampire lets go, and they tumble backward to the ground. Cut to the Master's lair. Master: She escaped? She walks free when I should be drinking her heart's blood right now? Careless... Colin: Master, we had her trapped! Master: Oh, are you going to make excuses? Colin remains silent. Master: You are all weak. It has been too long since you have faced the Slayer. Huh. It is no matter to me. She will not stop the Harvest. Just means there'll be someone worth killing... when I reach the surface. Is Luke ready? Colin: He waits. Master: It's time. Bring him to me. Colin turns to go get Luke. Master: Ah, Colin... You failed me. Tell me you're sorry. Colin: I'm sorry! Master: There. That wasn't so bad, was it? Hold on... He stabs his finger into Colin's face. Master: You've got something in your eye. Cut to the library where Giles is still doing his research. He hears someone come in. Giles: Buffy? Willow: It's just me. So there's no word? Giles: Ah, not as yet, no. Willow: Well, I-I'm sure they're... great. Giles: Did you find anything of interest? Willow: I think, maybe... I surfed through the old newspapers around the time of that big earthquake back in '37? And for several months before there were a rash of murders. (hands him her printouts) Giles: Great! I-I mean, well, not, not 'great' in a good way, uh, um, uh, go on? Willow: Well, they sound like the kind you were looking for. (flips through the printouts) Throats, blood... (looks squeamish) Giles: It's all coming together. I rather wish it weren't. Cut to the Master's lair. Luke approaches the Master and kneels before him. The Master offers his hand. Luke takes it and kisses it. He releases it and the Master turns it over to offer the underside of his wrist. Darla is watching and smiles. Luke opens the cuff of the Master's sleeve and pulls it back. He takes his hand again, sinks his fangs into the wrist above it and drinks of the blood. He releases the hand, and the Master takes it back. Master: My blood is your blood. My soul is your soul. Luke: My body is your instrument. The Master steps down to Luke and begins to draw a three-pointed star on Luke's forehead with the blood still flowing from his wrist. Master: On this... most hallowed night... we are as one. Luke is the Vessel! Darla smiles even wider. Master: Every soul he takes will feed me. And their souls will grant me the strength to free myself. Tonight I shall walk the Earth, and the stars themselves will hide! Cut to the library. Willow is looking at one of Giles' volumes. She hears the door open and looks up to see Xander and Buffy come in. Willow: Did you find Jesse? Xander: Yeah. Willow: Was he dead? Buffy: Worse. (sits down at the end of the table) I'm sorry, Willow. We were too late. And they were waiting for us. Willow: At least you two are okay. Xander kicks a trash can violently. Buffy is startled. Xander: I don't like vampires. I'm gonna take a stand and say they're not good. Buffy: (turns to Giles) So, Giles! Got anything that can make this day any worse? He goes over to the whiteboard and puts down his pen. Giles: How about the end of the world? Buffy: Knew I could count on you. Giles: This is what we know. Some sixty years ago, a very old, very powerful vampire came to this shore, not just to feed. Buffy: He came 'cause this town's a mystical who's it. Giles: Yes. The Spanish who first settled here called it 'Boca del Infierno'. Roughly translated, 'Hellmouth'. It's a sort of, um, portal between this reality and the next. This vampire hopes to open it. Buffy: Bring the demons back. Xander: End of the world. Willow: But he blew it! Or, I mean, there was an earthquake that swallowed half the town, and him, too. Giles: You see, opening dimensional portals is a tricky business. Odds are he got himself stuck, rather like a, uh, cork in a bottle. Xander: And this Harvest thing is to get him out. Giles: It comes once in a century, on this night. The Master can draw power from one of his minions while it feeds. Enough power to break free and open the portal. The minion is called the Vessel, and he bears this symbol. He draws a three-pointed star on the whiteboard. Buffy: So, I dust anyone sporting that symbol, and no Harvest. Giles: Simply put, yes. Buffy: Any idea where this little get-together is being held? Giles: There, there are a number of possibilities. Xander: They're goin' to the Bronze. Willow: Are you sure? Xander: Come on. All those tasty young morsels all over the place? Anyway, that's where Jesse's gonna be, trust me. Giles grabs his coat and starts out of the library. The others begin to follow. Giles: Then we should get there. The sun will be down before long. Buffy: I gotta make a stop. Won't take long. Giles: What for? Buffy: Supplies. Cut to a view of the sun setting above a ridge. Cut to Buffy in her room. She goes to her closet and pulls out a heavy, black jacket. Her mother walks into the room. Joyce: Buffy? Buffy: Mom! Joyce: You're going out? Buffy: I have to. (puts on her jacket) Joyce: I didn't hear you come in last night. Buffy: I was really quiet. Joyce: It's happening again, isn't it? I got a call from your new principal. Says you missed some classes today? Buffy: I was running an errand. Joyce: We haven't finished unpacking, and I'm getting calls from the principal. Buffy: Mom, I promise, it is *not* gonna be like before. But I *have* to go. Joyce: No. Buffy: Mom?! Joyce: The tapes all say I should get used to saying it. No. Buffy: This is really, really important. Joyce: I know. If you don't go out it'll be the end of the world. Everything is life or death when you're a sixteen-year-old girl. Buffy: Look, I don't have time to talk about this... Joyce: Buffy, you've got all the time in the world, you're not going anywhere. Now, if you wanna stay up here and sulk, I won't hold it against you. But if you wanna come down, I'll make us some dinner. She leaves the room, pulling the door closed behind her. Buffy can't believe what just happened. She leans against the closet door, takes a deep breath and exhales. Then she turns and opens the closet again and pulls out a chest. It has a large box in it full of her stuff. She pulls out the box to reveal what's underneath. Stakes, crosses, garlic, bottles of holy water. She pulls a bunch out and puts it in her sports bag. She takes a particularly sharp stake and conceals it in her jacket sleeve. She closes the chest, zips the bag closed and goes over to her door to make sure her mother isn't nearby. Then she grabs the bag, slides it out of the window onto the roof and climbs out after it. Cut to the sun going down over a hill. Cut to the Bronze. The doorman is checking ID's. Cut inside to the upper level. Cordelia and her friends find a table. Cordelia: Senior boys are the only way to go. Guys from our grade, forget about it, they're children. Y'know? (they sit) Like Jesse. Did you see him last night, following me around like a little puppy dog. (they all giggle) You just wanna put him to sleep. But senior boys, hmm, they have mystery. They have... What's the word I'm searching for? Cars! I just am not the type to settle. Y'know? It's like when I go shopping. I have to have the most expensive thing. Not because it's expensive, but because it costs more. Girl: You know, I... Cordelia: Hello, Miss Motormouth, can I get a sentence finished? Oh, I love this song! Come on! Cordelia and her gang make their way to the dance floor and start to move to the sound of "Wearing Me Down" by the Dashboard Prophets. Lyrics: You fight the good fight / You fight the good war / You fight to be right / You fight to restore / Why should I believe a word that you say / It was just a game that you don't wanna play / And I say / It's wearing me down, I realize / It's all in my head now, now, and I realize / It's not what you've done / As much as what you've said / as what you've said / as what you've said / as what you've said Jesse watches Cordelia from the side. He walks onto the dance floor. The song is over, and Cordelia stops dancing. She starts to leave, but Jesse is standing in front of her, fingers on his lips. Cordelia: Uh, what do you want? Another song, "Ballad For Dead Friends", starts. Jesse lowers his hand, takes hers and leads her back onto the dance floor. Cordelia: Hey! Hello! Caveman brain! What are you doing? Jesse: Shut up! He begins to dance with her. Cordelia: Well, just one dance. They dance close. Cut to outside where the doorman is counting money. Darla comes out of the shadows in a bouncy walk. She turns around and walks backward while other vampires come into the light behind her. She turns back again and approaches the doorman. They're all sporting their game faces. Lyrics: How are you feelin'? / Do you feel okay? / 'Cause I don't! ~~~~~~~~~~ Part 4 ~~~~~~~~~~ Outside the Bronze. The vampires head in. Doorman: Need ID. (looks up) Hey! Nobody gets inside until I get some sorta... Luke: (growls in the doorman's face) Get inside. Cut inside. The vampires come in, pushing the doorman in with them. The last one shuts the door and stands guard. Lyrics: How are you feelin'? / Do you feel okay? / 'Cause I don't! One of the vampires makes his way to the upper level. Another one finds the main power switch and shuts it off. The people start complaining and wondering what happened. Luke gets up on the stage. Luke: Ladies and Gentlemen! There is no cause for alarm. Actually, there is cause for alarm. It just won't do any good. There are screams from the crowd as they see Luke's face. He laughs. Cordelia: I thought there wasn't any band tonight. She looks at Jesse next to her. He's got his game face on, and she inhales in fright. Luke: This is a glorious night! It is also the last one any of you shall ever see. Bring me the first. A vampire brings the doorman to Luke. Doorman: What do you guys want, man, huh? You want money? Man, what's wrong with your faces? Luke grabs him by the throat. He wraps his other arm around the doorman's head. Luke: Watch me, people. Fear is like an elixir. It's almost like blood. He bites the doorman and feeds on him. The doorman screams. Cut to the Master in his lair. He raises his head as he feels the first of the souls that will be taken for him. Cut to Luke. He drops the doorman's body. Luke: Next! Cut outside. The team arrives running. Buffy tries the door. Buffy: It's locked! Giles: We're too late! Buffy: I didn't know I was gonna get grounded! Xander: Can you break it down? Buffy: No, not that thing. Um... You guys try the back entrance, and I'll find my own way. Giles: Right. Come on. Buffy: Uh, wait! Guys! Here! (hands Willow her bag) You get the exit cleared and the people out. That's all! Don't go Wild Bunch on me. Giles: Uh, see you inside, then. Giles, Xander and Willow run around to the back. Cut to the back. Willow tries the door. It's locked, too. Willow: No joy! Xander: We've gotta get in there before Jesse does something stupider that usual. Giles: You listen to me! Jesse is dead! You have to remember that when you see him, you're not looking at your friend. You're looking at the thing that killed him. Cut to the Master, testing his confines. Cut to Luke, feeding on a girl. Cut to the Master. Master: Almost free! Cut to Luke, still feeding on the girl. Cut to the Master. Master: Give me moooooore! Cut to Luke. He's finished with the girl and drops her body. Cut to Darla and Jesse. She wants to take Cordelia to Luke. Jesse: This one's mine! Darla: They're all for the Master. She pulls on Cordelia. Jesse lets go of her. Jesse: I don't get one? Cut to Buffy breaking an upper window and crawling in. Luke: I feel the Master's strength growing! Buffy sees Luke on the stage. Luke: I feel him rising. Every soul brings him closer! I need another! Buffy: (to herself) The Vessel. The vampire on the upper level sees Buffy and growls. She looks over at him. Luke: Tonight is his ascension. Tonight will be history at its end! Yours is a glorious sacrifice! Degradation most holy. What? No volunteers?! Darla: (brings him Cordelia) Here's a pretty one. Cordelia screams when she sees Luke up close. He caresses her face. He's about to bite her when Buffy kicks the vampire down from above them. Luke watches him land with a thud. Buffy approaches the railing. Buffy: Oh, I'm sorry, were you in the middle of something? Luke: You! Buffy: You didn't think I'd miss this. Did you? Luke: I hoped you'd come. Buffy: Be right down! Buffy steps away from the railing and executes a roundoff to get down. She lands on a pool table. A vampire attacks from her right. Buffy does a front walkover off of the table, grabbing a pool cue on the way. When she lands she thrusts it into her attacker. Buffy: Okay, Vessel boy. (removes her jacket) You want blood? Luke: I want yours! (releases Cordelia) Only yours! Buffy: (shrugs) Works for me. She runs and cartwheels up onto the stage, and immediately launches into a full spinning hook kick. Luke staggers into a pile of chairs. Buffy assumes a fighting position. Luke gets up and growls. He comes at her and swings, but she ducks the punch and comes up behind him. He tries a backhand punch, but she blocks him, holds onto his arm and gives him three roundhouse kicks to his stomach before he shakes loose. She takes her stake and lunges at him. He blocks the lunge, knocking the stake from her grip. He lifts her up and throws her into a pile of boxes. Cut to the back. Giles, Willow and Xander break in. Giles: Hurry! Xander runs in to see what's going on. He sees Buffy is down. She gets up, so Xander turns his attention to the crowd. Xander: (in a low voice) C'mon! Let's go! C'mon! C'mon! C'mon! C'mon! Cut to the back. Giles guides the people to the back door. Giles: (whispers) Hurry up! Come on! Through this door! Come on! This way! Cut to the main room. Buffy spins around and lands a backhand punch on Luke's face, knocking him into another pile of stuff. He's dazed. Buffy turns to see a vampire grab Xander. She grabs a cymbal from a drum set and throws it at the vampire like a Frisbee. Xander sees it coming and ducks. The cymbal decapitates the vampire. Xander: Head's up! Buffy can't resist a chuckle. Luke grabs her from behind. Cut to Cordelia on the floor with Jesse above her. She struggles and he grabs her arms. Jesse: Hold still! You're not making this easy! Xander comes up behind him, stake in hand. Xander: Jesse, man! Don't make me do it. Jesse turns to look up at Xander. Jesse: Buddy! Cut to Buffy being held tightly from behind by Luke. Luke: I always wanted to kill a Slayer! Cut to the back where Giles and Willow are still guiding people out. Giles: One at a time! Quickly! Quickly! He crosses to the other side of the room in front of some stairs. Darla is standing on the steps above him. Giles: We're going to have to open the front as well! Darla leaps onto him from behind, knocking him to the floor. Cut to Xander and Jesse. Xander: Jesse! I know there's still a part of you in there. Jesse: (jumps up) Okay... Let's deal with this. Jesse was an excruciating loser who couldn't get a date with anyone in the sighted community! Look at me. I'm a new man! Cut to Buffy and Luke. Luke: Master! Taste of this... and be free! Luke roars and moves in to bite Buffy. She senses his proximity and snaps her head back to land a headbutt on his face, knocking him off of her and back to the wall. She turns to him, winded. Buffy: How'd it taste? Cut to Giles and Darla struggling on the floor. Willow approaches them while taking out a jar of holy water. Willow: Get off of him! Darla is distracted and looks up. Willow throws the holy water at her. It burns her face and steams. She gets up and runs from the club, screaming. Cut to Jesse and Xander. Jesse grabs Xander by the jacket and lifts him around against a wall. Xander has the stake pointed at Jesse's chest. Jesse: Ooo! Alright. Put me out of my misery. You don't have the guts. A fleeing patron bumps into Jesse, impaling him on the stake. Xander lets go of the stake and Jesse begins to fall. He turns to ashes before he even hits the floor. Two vampires grab Xander. Cut to Buffy. She grabs a microphone stand and holds it like a javelin. Luke: You forget, metal can't hurt me. Buffy: There's something you forgot about, too. Sunrise! She throws the stand at the window behind Luke. He ducks, and it breaks the window behind him. A bright light pours in through it. Buffy spies the stake she dropped on the stage and picks it up. Luke gets up and shields his face with his hands, expecting to be burned. He stops when he realizes it's only a bright lamp. Buffy lunges at him from behind and jams the stake home. Buffy: It's in about nine hours, moron! Luke begins to stagger off of the stage. Cut to the Master. He's testing the strength of his confines. Cut to Luke. He continues to stagger. Cut to the Master. Still testing. Cut to Luke. He falls from the stage and turns to ash. Cut to the Master. He feels Luke's death and falls to his knees. Master: Noooooooo! Noooooooo! Cut to Buffy. She stares at Luke's ashes. The two vampires still have Xander. She lifts her gaze to meet theirs. The vampires panic and run. Cut outside. The vampires run past Angel standing behind some boxes stacked against a wall. He watches them run. He looks back the other way. Angel: She did it! I'll be damned! He walks away. Cut inside to the stage. Buffy hops down to the floor. Giles and Willow meet her. Giles: I take it it's over. Willow: Did we win? Buffy: Well, we averted the apocalypse. I give us points for that. Xander: One thing's for sure: nothing's ever gonna be the same. Cut to Sunnydale High the next Monday. Everything appears normal. Buffy walks along and overhears Cordelia. Cordelia: Well, I heard it was rival gangs. You know, fighting for turf? But all I can tell you is they were an ugly way of looking. And Buffy, like, knew them! Which is just too weird. I mean, I don't even remember that much, but I'm telling you, it was a freak show! Girl: Oh, I wish I'd been there! Cordelia: You should have been there. It was so creepy... She and her friend walk off. Buffy meets Xander. Buffy: What exactly were you expecting? Xander: I don't know, something. I mean, the dead rose. We should at least have an assembly. They run into Giles and Willow, and the four continue to walk. Giles: People have a tendency to rationalize what they can and forget what they can't. Buffy: Believe me, I've seen it happen. Willow: Well, I'll never forget it, none of it. Giles: Good! Next time you'll be prepared. Xander: Next time? Willow: Next time is why? Giles: We've prevented the Master from freeing himself and opening the mouth of Hell. That's not to say he's going to stop trying. I'd say the fun is just beginning. Willow: More vampires? They stop walking. Giles: Not just vampires. The next threat we face may be something quite different. Buffy: I can hardly wait! Giles: We're at the center of a mystical convergence here. We may, in fact, stand between the Earth and its total destruction. Buffy: Well, I gotta look on the bright side. Maybe I can still get kicked out of school! The three students continue to class. Giles stays behind and watches them go. Xander: Oh, yeah, that's a plan. 'Cause lots of schools aren't on Hellmouths. Willow: Maybe you could blow something up. They're really strict about that. Buffy: I was thinking of a more subtle approach, y'know, like excessive not studying. Giles turns to go back to his library. Giles: The Earth is doomed!

After escaping from Luke, Buffy goes in search of Jesse, with a little help from Giles and Willow, from her mystery friend, Angel, and from Xander , who braves the dank, dark sewers with her. The Master plots the Harvest, a ritual designed to imbue him with enough strength to open the Hellmouth, but Buffy defeats his minions in a showdown at The Bronze.

fd_Doctor_Who_02x03

fd_Doctor_Who_02x03_0

INT. OUTSIDE HEADMASTER'S OFFICE Mr Finch descends a flight of stairs. He rounds a corner and heads for a door labeled 'Headmaster'. There is a small girl sitting outside, waiting. At first, he walks straight past her, but then he pauses and looks back. MR FINCH: What do you want? NINA: The nurse sent me, sir. I was in English and I got a headache. MR FINCH: Then don't bother me, go home. NINA: I can't. MR FINCH: Why? Is your mother at work? NINA: I live in Ambrose Hall. The children's home. MR FINCH: No parents. No one to miss you? Nina shakes her head. MR FINCH (CONT'D): I see why the nurse sent you. You poor child. Poor... thin, child. Come inside. He turns to his office, and Nina stands to follow him. He opens the door for her and she enters. MR FINCH (CONT'D): It's nearly time for lunch. He shuts the door, and almost immediately there is a screech and flapping sounds from within, coupled with the sound of Nina screaming. INT. STAIRWELLS The school bell rings and the stairways are crowded with children hurrying to get to their next lesson. INT. PHYSICS LAB A boy, Kenny, heads into a science lab and goes to a bench. The door opens and a familiar pair of scruffy white Converses step inside. The Doctor plonks his bag down on the teacher's desk and faces the class. THE DOCTOR: Good morning, class. Are we sitting comfortably? He grins. OPENING CREDITS INT. PHYSICS LAB The Doctor scrawls the word 'physics' in capital letters on the whiteboard and underlines it. THE DOCTOR: So. Physics. He replaces the cap of the board pen and chucks it back down on the desk. THE DOCTOR (CONT'D): Physics. Eh? Physics. Phyyyyyyyysics. Physics! Physics. Physics, physics, physics, physics, physics, physics, physics. The class look bemused. He sniffs purposefully. THE DOCTOR (CONT'D): I hope one of you is getting all this down. Um, okay, let's see what you know. Two identical strips of nylon are charged with static electricity and hung from a string so they can swing freely. What would happen if they were brought near each other? A boy, Milo, puts his hand up. THE DOCTOR (CONT'D): Yes, uh, what's your name? MILO: Milo. THE DOCTOR: Milo! Off you go. MILO: They'd repel each other because they have the same charge. THE DOCTOR: Correctamundo! A word I have never used before and hopefully never will again. Question two, I coil up a thin piece of micro wire and place it in a glass of water. Then I turn on the electricity and measure to see if the water's temperature is affected. My question is this: how do I measure the electrical power going into the coil? Milo's hand shoots up again. THE DOCTOR (CONT'D): Someone else. Absolutely no response from the rest of the class. THE DOCTOR (CONT'D): Nope...? Okay, Milo, go for it. MILO: Measure the current and PDs in an ampmeter and a voltmeter. The other pupils look impressed. THE DOCTOR: Two to Milo! Right then, Milo, tell me this; true or false: the greater the dampening of the system, the quicker it loses energy to its surroundings. MILO: False. THE DOCTOR: What is a non-coding DNA? MILO: DNA that doesn't code for a protein. THE DOCTOR: Sixty-five-thousand-nine-hundred-and-eighty-three times five? MILO: Three-hundred-and-twenty-nine-thousand-nine-hundred-and-fifteen. Some of the other pupils look very impressed, others just disturbed. THE DOCTOR: How do you travel faster than light? MILO: By opening a quantum tunnel with an FTL factor of 36.7 recurring. The Doctor's mouth drops open slightly. INT. CANTEEN It is lunchtime, and the dinner ladies are spooning food onto people's plates. The Doctor moves along the line with his tray. Rose, who is undercover as a dinner lady, spoons mashed potato onto his plate and gives him a filthy look simultaneously. He just smirks at her and heads towards the tables. At his table, some time later, the Doctor spears a chip on his fork, nibbles it, and stares at it distastefully. Rose comes over with a dishcloth to wipe his table down. ROSE: Two days. THE DOCTOR: Sorry, could you just... there's a bit of gravy. He points to it with his fork. Rose wipes the table. THE DOCTOR (CONT'D): No, no, just there. Rose wipes up the gravy. ROSE: Two days, we've been here. THE DOCTOR: Blame your boyfriend, he's the one who put us onto this. And he was right. Boy in class this morning, got a knowledge way beyond planet Earth. ROSE: You eating those chips? THE DOCTOR: Yeah, they're a bit... different. Rose helps herself to one. ROSE: I think they're gorgeous. Wish I had school dinners like this. She sits down. THE DOCTOR (squinting around the canteen): It's very well behaved, this place. ROSE (mouth full of chips): Mm. THE DOCTOR: I thought there'd be happy-slapping hoodies. Happy-slapping hoodies with ASBOs. Happy-slapping hoodies with ASBOs and ringtones. He stares at Rose impressively. THE DOCTOR (CONT'D): Yeah? Yeah? Oh, yeah! Don't tell me I don't fit in. A dinner lady approaches their table. DINNER LADY (to Rose): You are not permitted to leave your station during a sitting. ROSE (standing): I was just talking to this teacher. THE DOCTOR: Hello! ROSE: He doesn't like the chips. DINNER LADY (affronted): The menu has been specifically designed by the headmaster to improve concentration and performance. Now, get back to work. She leaves. Rose walks away from the table. ROSE (to the Doctor): See? This is me. She gestures down at her uniform. ROSE (CONT'D): The dinner lady. THE DOCTOR: I'll have the crumble. ROSE: I'm so gonna kill you. She returns to her station, the Doctor grinning manically. A teacher, Mr Wagner, approaches a girl sitting a few tables away. MR WAGNER: Melissa. You'll be joining my class for the next period. Milo's failed me... so it's time we moved you up to the top class. The Doctor watches, chewing absently. MR WAGNER (CONT'D): Kenny? Not eating the chips? KENNY: I'm not allowed. MR WAGNER: Luke, extra class. Now. He leaves, and several of the children follow him. Mr Finch watches the proceedings from a balcony above the canteen. He seems to notice the Doctor watching him. INT. KITCHENS Rose is in the kitchens, drying a tray. DINNER LADY: Careful... keep it steady... don't spill a drop. A few of the dinner ladies are very, very carefully wheeling in a barrel of oil. They have masks, goggles and gloves on. Rose watches them. DINNER LADY (CONT'D): I said keep it steady. Careful... that's it... easy now... steady... Rose's mobile rings. DINNER LADY (CONT'D): Right, second barrel, quickly now! Rose answers her phone. ROSE: What you got? INT. INTERNET CAFE MICKEY: Confirmation. I just got into army records. Three months ago, massive UFO activity. They logged over forty sightings, lights in the sky, all of that. I can't get any photos, 'cause then it gets all classified and secret. Keeps locking me out. The message: Torchwood - Access Denied, flashes in red letters on the screen. INT. KITCHENS ROSE (keeping her voice low): Tell you what, though, three months ago, turns out all the kitchen staff were replaced. She watches them wheel another barrel of oil into the kitchen with what seems to be unnecessary caution. ROSE (CONT'D): And this lot are weird. INT. INTERNET CAFE MICKEY: See, there's definitely something going on. I was right to call you home. INT. KITCHENS ROSE: I thought maybe you called me home just to... well, just to call me home. INT. INTERNET CAFE MICKEY (grinning): Do you think I'd just invent an emergency? INT. KITCHENS ROSE: Well, you could've done! INT. INTERNET CAFE MICKEY: That's the last thing I'd do. INT. KITCHENS DINNER LADY: Watch it! INT. INTERNET CAFE MICKEY: Because every time I see you, an emergency just gets in the way... INT. KITCHENS The barrel of oil topples over and spills onto one of the dinner ladies, who screams in agony and starts smoking. ROSE: I've gotta go. DINNER LADY: Get her up, get her up! The dinner lady is hoisted to her feet. INT. INTERNET CAFE MICKEY: What is it? INT. KITCHENS The dinner lady covered in the oil is steered into an office, still wailing with pain. Rose tries to see through the partition but the blinds are swiftly drawn. INT. INTERNET CAFE Rose hangs up and Mickey closes his phone with a sigh as the line goes dead. INT. KITCHENS Rose dials 999 as the head dinner lady emerges from the office. She pulls her goggles down and leans against the doorframe, eyeing Rose suspiciously. DINNER LADY: What're you doing? ROSE: Calling an ambulance. DINNER LADY: No need. She's quite all right. Rose hangs up. There is the sound of something bursting into flames, followed by the sound of something smashing, and a billow of smoke from the office. The dinner lady does not flinch. DINNER LADY (CONT'D): It's fine. She does that. She goes back into the office, leaving Rose looking completely confused. She moves closer to the barrel of oil for a closer look. INT. COMPUTER LAB Mr Wagner makes his way to the front of an IT Suite, the children are already at their computer terminals. He faces the class. MR WAGNER: I'd like you all to put your headphones on now, please. The children oblige. MR WAGNER (CONT'D): Now, children... the things you will see... He presses a key on his own computer at the front of the class. The children raise their hands to the keyboards and start to type unnaturally fast, eyes locked onto the screens. There is some sort of green code scrolling down the monitor. Mr Wagner watches the students, smiling slightly. INT. DEFFRY VALE HIGH SCHOOL Mr Finch and Sarah Jane Smith descend a flight of stairs, talking. MR FINCH: My improvements aren't confined to the classroom. Oh, no, no, no, no, no. We've introduced a new policy. School dinners are absolutely free. But compulsory. Do try the chips. SARAH JANE: Oh, I'd love to, thank you! And it's got to be said, the transformation you've brought about is amazing. I mean, maybe you're working the children a little bit too hard now and then... MR FINCH: Hmm? SARAH JANE: But I think good results, they're more important than anything. MR FINCH: Exactly. You're a woman of vision, Miss Smith. SARAH JANE: Oh, I can see everything, Mr Finch. Quite clearly. INT. STAFF ROOM The Doctor is sitting on a desk, nibbling a biscuit. There is a teacher pacing up and down in front of him. MR PARSONS: But yesterday, I had a twelve-year-old girl give me the exact height of the Walls of Troy... in cubits. THE DOCTOR: And, it's ever since the new headmaster arrived? MR PARSONS: Finch arrived three months ago. Next day, half the staff got flu. Finch replaced them with that lot. He nods over to where a group of smart looking teachers are standing. The Doctor looks over his shoulder at them. MR PARSONS (CONT'D): Except for the teacher you replaced, and that was just plain weird, her winning the lottery like that. THE DOCTOR: How's that weird? MR PARSONS: She never played! Said the ticket was posted through her door at midnight. THE DOCTOR (popping another biscuit into his mouth): Hmm! The world is very strange. MR FINCH: Excuse me, colleagues, a moment of your time. The Doctor turns. His eyes widen and he stands, just staring. MR FINCH (CONT'D): May I introduce Miss Sarah Jane Smith. Miss Smith is a journalist, who's writing a profile about me for the Sunday Times. Sarah Jane smiles around at them all. The Doctor's face is a picture , the corners of his mouth begin to turn upwards in a smile. MR FINCH (CONT'D): I thought it might be useful for her to get 'a view from the trenches', so to speak. Don't spare my blushes. He leaves. Sarah Jane catches the Doctor's eye and approaches him. SARAH JANE: Hello! THE DOCTOR: Oh, I should think so! SARAH JANE: And, you are...? THE DOCTOR (he can't take his eyes off her): Hm? Uh, Smith. John Smith. SARAH JANE: John Smith? I used to have a friend who sometimes went by that name. THE DOCTOR: Well, it's a very common name! SARAH JANE (reminiscing): He was a very uncommon man. She holds out her hand. SARAH JANE (CONT'D): Nice to meet you! THE DOCTOR: Nice to meet you! Yes! Very nice! More than nice, brilliant! SARAH JANE: Um... so, um, have you worked here long? THE DOCTOR: No! Um, it's only my second day. SARAH JANE: Oh, you're new, then? So, what do you think of the school? I mean, this new curriculum? The Doctor can still not tear his eyes away from her, and he's smiling at her but she doesn't seem to notice. SARAH JANE (CONT'D): So many children getting ill, doesn't that strike you as odd? THE DOCTOR (grinning): You don't sound like someone just doing a profile. SARAH JANE: Well, no harm in a little investigation while I'm here. THE DOCTOR: No. Good for you. She walks away to meet some of the other teachers. THE DOCTOR (CONT'D) (so proud of her): Good for you. Oh, good for you, Sarah Jane Smith. The bell rings. INT. CORRIDORS The corridors are crowded with students once more. The Doctor takes slow steps with a vague smile and a faraway expression on his face, just remembering. INT. STAIRWELLS Kenny watches a couple of his fellow pupils go up the stairs, clearly wondering why they're so eager to get to class. He hears a flapping sound and strange noises coming from a nearby classroom. He follows the sound cautiously until he reaches the IT Suite. INT. COMPUTER LAB Kenny crouches to peer under one of the desks and sees a horrible bat-like creature who screeches angrily at him. Kenny gasps, but the next thing he knows, Mr Wagner has just straightened up from behind the desk, his neck clicking and his eyes glowing dangerously. MR WAGNER (deadly soft): This isn't your classroom, Kenny. Now run along. Kenny turns on his heel and runs. Mr Wagner watches him go, eyes narrowed. EXT. DEFFRY VALE HIGH SCHOOL The day comes to an end and night falls over the school. INT. CLASSROOM The corridors are dark and empty, the chairs up on the desks. A torch shines into a classroom, and there is Sarah Jane at the window. She undoes the latch and peers inside. When she is sure the coast is clear, she hoists herself inside. INT. CORRIDOR The Doctor opens a fire door and comes through it into a dark corridor, followed by Rose and Mickey. ROSE: Oh, it's weird seeing school at night. It just feels wrong. They make their way cautiously down the corridor. ROSE (CONT'D): When I was a kid, I used to think all the teachers slept in school. THE DOCTOR: All right, team. Oh, I hate people who say "team". Um... "gang". Um... "comrades". Uh... anyway, Rose, go to the kitchen and get a sample of that oil. Mickey, the new staff are all Maths teachers, go and check out the Maths department. I'm gonna look in Finch's office. Be back here in ten minutes. He takes off up the stairs. ROSE (fiddling with her sleeve): You gonna be all right? MICKEY: Me? Please. Infiltration and investigation? I'm an expert at this. He strides away with purpose. Rose just stands there smirking, waiting for him to come back, which he does almost immediately. MICKEY (CONT'D): Where's the Maths department? ROSE (pointing in the opposite direction): Down there, turn left, through the fire doors, on the right. MICKEY: Thank you. He strides away again. INT. CORRIDOR The Doctor heads down a dark corridor, brow furrowed as he hears screeches and flaps in the distance. He pauses for a moment and then strides to find the source of the noise. INT. OUTSIDE HEADMASTER'S OFFICE Sarah Jane begins to pick the lock to Mr Finch's office. She hears a bang followed by a screech, and spins around, eyes wide. The sounds become even louder and closer and she gives a sharp intake of breath and backs away down the corridor. INT. KITCHENS Rose takes the lid off the barrel of oil and spoons some into a small jar. A shadow passes over her followed by a screech. She looks up sharply. INT. MAINTENANCE CLOSET Sarah Jane backs into a room and slams the door behind her. She turns slowly and there, looming in front of her, is the TARDIS. Her eyes widen in shock and she backs out of the room, not believing it... INT. CORRIDOR Sarah Jane stares at the closed door, and then turns slowly around. The Doctor is standing there in the darkness, watching her. THE DOCTOR (quietly): Hello, Sarah Jane. SARAH JANE (whispers): It's you. Oh... Doctor... A smile starts to spread across her face as she edges towards him. SARAH JANE (CONT'D): Oh, my God, it's you, it's... it's... you've regenerated. THE DOCTOR: Half a dozen times since we last met. SARAH JANE: You look... incredible. THE DOCTOR: So do you. SARAH JANE: I got old. She edges around him, staring at him. SARAH JANE (CONT'D): What're you doing here? THE DOCTOR: Well... UFO sightings, school gets record results, I couldn't resist. What about you? SARAH JANE: Same. They laugh. But Sarah Jane's smile falters and she sounds close to tears when she speaks again. SARAH JANE (CONT'D): I thought you'd died. I waited for you and you didn't come back, and I thought you must've died. THE DOCTOR: I lived. Everyone else died. SARAH JANE: What do you mean? THE DOCTOR (quiet pain): Everyone died, Sarah. Sarah Jane shakes her head. SARAH JANE (whispering in her disbelief): I can't believe it's you. The moment is broken by the sound of Mickey wailing. SARAH JANE (CONT'D): Okay! Now I can! They grin and run from the gym to find the source of the scream. They almost skid into Rose who runs from a converging corridor. ROSE: Did you hear that? She notices Sarah Jane. ROSE (CONT'D): Who's she? THE DOCTOR: Rose, Sarah Jane! Sarah Jane, Rose. Rose looks unpleasantly surprised. They shake hands. SARAH JANE (with a very fake smile): Hi. Nice to meet you. (To the Doctor): You can tell you're getting older, your assistants are getting younger. ROSE (outraged): I'm not his assistant. The Doctor scratches his ear uncomfortably. SARAH JANE: No? I get you, tiger. The Doctor speeds off and they follow him. They find Mickey in one of the class rooms, surrounded by a load of vacum-packed rats. MICKEY: Sorry! Sorry, it was only me. You told me to investigate, so I, I started looking through some of these cupboards and all of these fell out of them. The Doctor bends down and picks a few up to examine them. ROSE: Oh, my God, they're rats. Dozens of rats. Vacuum packed rats. THE DOCTOR: And you decided to scream. MICKEY: It took me by surprise! THE DOCTOR: Like a little girl? MICKEY (indignantly): It was dark! I was covered in rats! THE DOCTOR: Nine, maybe ten years old. I'm seeing pigtails, frilly skirt. ROSE: Hello, can we focus? Does anyone notice anything strange about this? Rats in school? SARAH JANE: Well, obviously they use them in Biology lessons. They dissect them. Or maybe you haven't reached that bit yet. How old are you? The Doctor and Mickey look shiftily between them. ROSE: Excuse me, no one dissects rats in school anymore. They haven't done that for years. Where are you from, the dark ages? THE DOCTOR (quickly): Anyway, moving on. Sarah Jane obviously badly wants to make a cutting retort. She and Rose give each other the dirtiest of looks. THE DOCTOR (CONT'D): Everything started when Mr Finch arrived. We should go and check his office. He chucks the rat he is holding back to Mickey, who drops it. They follow the Doctor out and down the corridor. ROSE (to Sarah Jane): I don't mean to be rude or anything, but who exactly are you? SARAH JANE: Sarah Jane Smith. I used to travel with the Doctor. ROSE: Oh! Well, he's never mentioned you. THE DOCTOR: Oh, I must've done! Sarah Jane! Mention her all the time. ROSE (pretending to think about it): Hold on... sorry... never. SARAH JANE (annoyed): What, not even once? He didn't mention me once? Rose walks off and Sarah Jane follows her, probably to probe her further. MICKEY (with a hand on the Doctor's shoulder): Ho ho! Mate! The missus and the ex. Welcome to every man's worst nightmare. He grins and they follow the two of them. INT. OUTSIDE HEADMASTER'S OFFICE The Doctor uses the sonic screwdriver to unlock the door of Mr Finch's office. THE DOCTOR: Maybe those rats were food. ROSE: Food for what? The Doctor opens the door and peers inside. There are some incredibly strange noises coming from there. The Doctor's eyes are fixed on the ceiling. THE DOCTOR: Rose... you know you used to think all the teachers slept in the school...? Well... they do. The bat-like creatures are hanging upside down from the ceiling. The four of them stare at them. MICKEY (turning on his heel): No way! Sarah Jane and Rose quickly follow him. The Doctor goes last, shutting the door behind him. At the sound of the door shutting, one of the bats wakes up and screeches. EXT. DEFFRY VALE HIGH SCHOOL Mickey, Rose, Sarah Jane and the Doctor hurry out of the front doors of the school. MICKEY (out of breath from running): I am not going back in there. No way. ROSE: Those were teachers! THE DOCTOR: When Finch arrived, he brought with him seven new teachers, four dinner ladies and a nurse. Thirteen. Thirteen big bat people. Come on. He begins to walk back inside. MICKEY: Come on, you've got to be kidding! THE DOCTOR: I need the TARDIS. I've got to analyze that oil from the kitchen. SARAH JANE: I might be able to help you, there. I've got something to show you! She grabs the Doctor's arm and pulls him excitedly in the direction of the car park. EXT. DEFFRY VALE HIGH SCHOOL, CAR PARK Sarah Jane opens the boot of her car. Inside is something covered with a green blanket. The Doctor pulls the blanket off to reveal K9. THE DOCTOR (delighted): K9! Rose Tyler, Mickey Smith, allow me to introduce K9... Well, K9 Mark III to be precise. Mickey and Rose glance at each other with an 'it's a tin dog' sort of expression. ROSE: Why does he look so... disco? THE DOCTOR: Oi! Listen, in the year five thousand, this was cutting edge! What's happened to him? SARAH JANE: Oh, one day, he just... nothing! THE DOCTOR: Well, didn't you try and get him repaired?? Mickey shakes his head. Rose stares at him. They really don't get it. SARAH JANE: Well, it's not like getting parts for a mini-metro! Beside, the technology inside him could rewrite human science. I couldn't show him to anyone! THE DOCTOR (cooing at K9): Ooh, what's the nasty lady done to you? Eh? Mickey stares at him and Rose rolls her eyes. The Doctor strokes K9 making coo-ing noises. Sarah Jane throws Rose what could be described as a triumphant glance. They are being observed, we see the car from the alien POV. ROSE: Look, no offense but could you two just stop petting for a minute? Never mind the tin dog, we're busy! The Doctor closes the boot, grinning. The bat-like creature flies past the moon, screeching. INT. CHIP SHOP The Doctor, Sarah Jane, Rose and Mickey are in a chip shop. The Doctor and Sarah Jane are sitting at a table by the window, chatting and laughing whilst the Doctor tries to fix K9, who has been placed on the table-top. Mickey and Rose are by the counter. MICKEY: You see, what's impressive is that it's been nearly an hour since we met her and I still haven't said 'I told you so'. ROSE (wrenching her eyes away from the pair): I'm not listening to this. MICKEY: Although, I have prepared a little "I was right" dance that I can show you later. He sniggers. The shopkeeper holds her hand out to Rose. SHOPKEEPER: Two quid, love. Rose gives her the money, takes the chips and tucks in immediately. MICKEY: All this time you've been giving it, "he's different! ", when the truth is, he's just like any other bloke! They sit down at a table away from the Doctor and Sarah Jane. ROSE: You don't know what you're talking about. MICKEY: Maybe not. But if I were you... I'd go easy on the chips. For Rose is shovelling them into her mouth like there's no tomorrow. We see the distorted, alien vision once more. EXT. ROOFTOP Mr Finch is standing on top of a building on the other side of the road. MR FINCH: Come to me... come to me... And one of the bat-like creatures swoops down towards him. It lands on the building beside him, and together they watch the Doctor through the window of the chip shop. INT. CHIP SHOP SARAH JANE: I thought of you on Christmas Day. This Christmas just gone? Great big spaceship overhead, I thought, "Oh, yeah. Bet he's up there". THE DOCTOR: Right on top of it, yeah. SARAH JANE (cautiously): And Rose? THE DOCTOR: She was there too. There is a pause whilst Sarah Jane looks at him and the Doctor fiddles with K9's wires. SARAH JANE: Did I do something wrong? Because you never came back for me. You just... dumped me. THE DOCTOR: I told you. I was called back home and in those days humans weren't allowed. SARAH JANE: I waited for you. I missed you. THE DOCTOR (brushing this off): Oh, you didn't need me! You were getting on with your life. SARAH JANE: You were my life. The Doctor looks up at her. SARAH JANE (CONT'D): You know what the most difficult thing was? Coping with what happens next, and with what doesn't happen next. You took me to the furthest reaches of the galaxy, you showed me supernovas, intergalactic battles and then you just dropped me back on Earth. How could anything compare to that? THE DOCTOR (brow furrowed): All those things you saw, do you want me to apologize for that? SARAH JANE: No, but we get a taste of that splendour... and then we have to go back. THE DOCTOR (smiling): But look at you, you're investigating. You found that school, you're doing what we always did. SARAH JANE: You could've come back. THE DOCTOR (quietly): I couldn't. SARAH JANE (whispers): Why not? The Doctor does not answer. Sarah Jane shakes her head and the Doctor switches his sonic screwdriver back on and returns to repairing K9. But she's still not done. SARAH JANE (CONT'D): It wasn't Croydon, where you dropped me off, it wasn't Croydon! THE DOCTOR: Where was it? SARAH JANE (irritably): Aberdeen. THE DOCTOR (realisation dawning): Right. Pause. THE DOCTOR: That's next to Croydon, isn't it? Sarah Jane smiles and shakes her head. At that moment, K9 springs to life. THE DOCTOR (CONT'D): Oh, hey! Now we're in business! He leaps to his feet and stands in front of K9. K9: Master! THE DOCTOR (ecstatic): He recognizes me! K9: Affirmative. THE DOCTOR: Rose, give us the oil. EXT. ROOF Mr Finch and the creature still watch. Finch crouches and the bat-like creature follows suit. INT. CHIP SHOP The Doctor takes off the lid of the jar with the oil inside and is just about to dip his finger in it. ROSE (quickly): I wouldn't touch it, though, that dinner lady got all scalged. THE DOCTOR: I'm no dinner lady. And I don't often say that. He dips his finger into the oil and K9 puts out a sensor for the Doctor to smear it onto, which he does. THE DOCTOR (CONT'D): Here we go. Come on, boy. Here we go. K9: Oil. Ex, ex, ex, extract ana, an... analysing... MICKEY (grinning, delighted): Listen to it, man! That's a voice! SARAH JANE: Careful! That's my dog! Mickey looks sheepish. K9: Confirmation of analysis: substance is Krillitane Oil. THE DOCTOR (shocked): They're Krillitanes. ROSE: Is that bad? THE DOCTOR: Very. Think of how bad things could possibly be, and add another suitcase full of bad. SARAH JANE: And what are... Krillitanes? THE DOCTOR: They're a composite race. Just like your culture is a mixture of traditions from all sorts of countries, people you've invaded or have been invaded by, you've got bits, bits of Viking, bits of France, bits of whatever... the Krillitanes are the same. An amalgam of the races they've conquered. But they take physical aspects as well. They cherry-pick the best bits from the people they destroy. That's why I didn't recognize them. The last time I saw Krillitanes, they looked just like us except they had really long necks. ROSE: What're they doing here? THE DOCTOR (horrible realization): It's the children. They're doing something to the children. EXT. ROOF Mr Finch and the other Krillitane glance at one another. The Krillitane screeches. EXT. OUTSIDE THE CHIP SHOP Mickey and Sarah Jane hoist K9 into the boot of the car. MICKEY: So, what's the deal with the tin dog? SARAH JANE: The Doctor likes travelling with an entourage. Sometimes they're humans, sometimes they're aliens, and sometimes... they're tin dogs. Mickey smiles and gives a small laugh. SARAH JANE (CONT'D): What about you? Where do you fit in the picture? MICKEY (enthusiastically): Me? I'm their Man in Havana. I'm the technical support, I'm... And it hits him. MICKEY (CONT'D): Oh, my God. I'm the tin dog. He sits down in shock. Sarah Jane grins and pats him on the shoulder. EXT. ROOF TOP The Krillitane on the rooftop screeches, but Finch puts his finger to his lips to silence it. MR FINCH: On my command. EXT. OUTSIDE THE CHIP SHOP The Doctor leaves the chip shop followed by Rose. ROSE: How many of us have there been, travelling with you? THE DOCTOR: Does it matter? ROSE (voice trembling): Yeah, it does, if I'm just the latest in a long line. THE DOCTOR (stopping, hurt): As opposed to what? He is staring at her, looking angry and hurt. ROSE: I thought you and me were... but I obviously got it wrong. I've been to the year five billion, right, but this... now this is really seeing the future. You just leave us behind. Is that what you're going to do to me? THE DOCTOR (abruptly): No. Not to you. ROSE: But Sarah Jane... you were that close to her once, and now... you never even mention her. Why not? THE DOCTOR: I don't age. I regenerate. But humans decay. You wither and you die. Imagine watching that happen to someone who you... He stops when he realizes what he was about to say. ROSE: What, Doctor? The Doctor stares at her intensely, as if willing her to understand. THE DOCTOR: You can spend the rest of your life with me. Rose looks up at him, eyes shining with unshed tears. THE DOCTOR (CONT'D): But I can't spend the rest of mine with you. I have to live on. Alone. That's the curse of the Time Lords. MR FINCH: Time Lord. The Doctor and Rose notice Mr Finch and the other Krillitane on the roof. It screeches and swoops down towards them. They duck, but then it just flies away. SARAH JANE: Was that a Krillitane? ROSE: But it didn't even touch her, it just flew off! What did it do that for? The Krillitane flies off into the night, screeching. [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. DEFFRY VALE HIGH SCHOOL The next morning, the school bell rings and the children flock towards the building. The Doctor, Mickey, Rose and Sarah Jane get out of Sarah Jane's car and stride towards the school. The Doctor pauses for a moment to give instructions. THE DOCTOR: Rose and Sarah, you go to the Maths room. Crack open those computers, I need to see the hardware inside. Here, you might need this. Rose holds her hand out, but he hands his sonic screwdriver to Sarah Jane. Rose looks peeved. THE DOCTOR (CONT'D): Mickey, surveillance. I want you outside. MICKEY: Just stand outside? SARAH JANE (chucking him her car keys): Here, take these, you can keep K9 company. THE DOCTOR: Don't forget to leave the window open a crack. MICKEY: But he's metal! THE DOCTOR: I didn't mean for him. ROSE: What're you gonna do? THE DOCTOR: It's time I had a word with Mr Finch. INT. CORRIDOR A pair of shiny black shoes walk down a crowded corridor. They pause a moment. Mr Finch looks up and sees the Doctor leaning over the stairwell, looking down at him and making no attempt to disguise the fact. After giving him a hard stare, Mr Finch goes on his way and the Doctor continues on up the stairs. INT. SCHOOL SWIMMING POOL The Doctor opens the door to the swimming pool room, where Mr Finch is waiting for him on the opposite side of the water. THE DOCTOR: Who are you? MR FINCH: My name is Brother Lassa. And you? THE DOCTOR: The Doctor. Since when did Krillitanes have wings? MR FINCH: It's been our form for nearly ten generations, now. Our ancestors invaded Bessan. The people there had some rather lovely wings. They made a million widows in one day, just imagine. THE DOCTOR: And now you're shaped human. MR FINCH: A personal favourite, that's all. THE DOCTOR: And the others? MR FINCH: My brothers remain bat form. What you see is a simple morphic illusion. Scratch the surface and the true Krillitane lies beneath. They begin to walk slowly towards the same side of the pool. MR FINCH (CONT'D): And what of the Time Lords? I always thought of you as such a pompous race. Ancient, dusty senators, so frightened of change and... chaos. And of course, they're all but extinct. Only you. The last. THE DOCTOR: This plan of yours, what is it? MR FINCH: You don't know. THE DOCTOR: That's why I'm asking. They are facing each other now, rivals. The tension is rising. MR FINCH: Well, show me how clever you are. Work it out. THE DOCTOR: If I don't like it... then it will stop. MR FINCH (considering him): Fascinating. Your people were peaceful to the point of indolence. You seem to be something new. Would you declare war on us, Doctor? THE DOCTOR (quietly): I'm so old, now. I used to have so much mercy. He stares him out. THE DOCTOR (CONT'D): You get one warning. That was it. And he turns his back on Finch and begins to walk away. MR FINCH: But we're not even enemies. Soon... you will embrace us. The Doctor turns back. MR FINCH (CONT'D): The next time we meet, you will join with me. I promise you. Mr Finch walks past him with a knowing smile on his face and leaves. The Doctor watches him go suspiciously, brow furrowed. INT. SARAH JANE'S CAR Mickey winds the car window down. He folds his arms, looking extremely grumpy. MICKEY: "Surveillance". If you ask me, it's just another way of saying "Go sit at the back of the class with the safety scissors and glitter". He glances at K9 who is not switched on but has his head poked through the gap between the two front seats. He sighs. MICKEY (CONT'D): That'd be me talking to a metal dog, then. INT. COMPUTER LAB Sarah Jane is crouched beneath one of the computer desks and trying to switch on the sonic screwdriver. She comes out, hits the keyboard and stares at the sonic screwdriver. Rose is with her legs crossed on one of the chairs. SARAH JANE: It's not working! ROSE: Give it to me. Rose takes the sonic screwdriver off Sarah Jane, rolling her eyes, and ducks underneath the desk. SARAH JANE: Used to work first time in my day. ROSE: Well, things were a lot simpler back then. She turns the sonic screwdriver on and it whirrs and buzzes as she holds it to the back of the computer. SARAH JANE: Rose, can I give you a bit of advice? ROSE (straightening up): I've got a feeling you're about to. SARAH JANE: I know how intense a relationship with the Doctor can be, and I don't want you to feel I'm intruding... ROSE: I don't feel threatened by you if that's what you mean. SARAH JANE: Right. Good. Because, I'm not interested in picking up where we left off. ROSE: No? With the big sad eyes and the robot dog? What else were you doing last night? SARAH JANE: I was just saying how hard it was adjusting to life back on Earth... ROSE (standing and walking away a few paces): The thing is... when you two met... they'd only just got rid of rationing. No wonder all that space stuff was a bit too much for ya. SARAH JANE (walking up to her, indignant): I had no problem with space stuff. I saw things you wouldn't believe. ROSE (coldly): Try me. SARAH JANE: Mummies. ROSE: I've met ghosts. SARAH JANE: Robots. Lots of robots. ROSE: Slitheen. In Downing Street. SARAH JANE: Daleks! ROSE (snorts): Met the Emperor. SARAH JANE: Anti-Matter monsters. ROSE: Gas masked zombies. SARAH JANE: Real living dinosaurs! ROSE: Real living werewolf! SARAH JANE: The Loch Ness Monster! ROSE: ... Seriously? Sarah Jane puts her hands over her mouth and shakes her head. Rose smiles and laughs slightly. ROSE (CONT'D): Listen to us. It's like me and my mate Shireen. The only time we fell out was over a man, and... we're arguing over the Doctor. Sarah Jane relaxes against a desk, and Rose looks at her for a moment. ROSE (CONT'D): With you, did he do that thing where he'd explain something at like, ninety-miles-per-hour, and you'd go, "what?" and he'd look at you like you'd just dribbled on your shirt? SARAH JANE: All the time! They laugh. SARAH JANE (CONT'D): Does he still stroke bits of the TARDIS? ROSE: Yeah! Yeah! He does! I'm like, "do you two wanna be alone?" They laugh madly, and then the Doctor walks in. THE DOCTOR: How's it going? The sight of him makes them laugh even harder. THE DOCTOR (CONT'D) (oblivious): What? Listen, I need to find out what's programmed inside these. They take no notice of him and fall about laughing hysterically, Rose pointing the sonic screwdriver at him. THE DOCTOR (CONT'D) (genuinely confused): What? Stop it! INT. HEADMASTER'S OFFICE Mr Finch enters his office, where the rest of the Krillitanes disguised as school staff are sat around at table. MR FINCH: Brothers, we must initiate the final phase. Get the children inside and seal the school. Our time has come, my brothers. Today we shall become Gods. EXT. DEFFRY VALE HIGH SCHOOL The children are in the playground, playing football, laughing, etc. The buzzer goes off and they stop. LOUDSPEAKER: All pupils to class immediately. And would all members of staff congregate in the staff room. The pupils begin to move indoors without hesitation, with the exception of Kenny. Melissa pauses for a moment as she passes him. MELISSA: Breaktime's finished early. Isn't that fantastic?! And she moves off again. Kenny waits until the last possible moment before he relucantly follows the crowd. INT. COMPUTER LAB The children clambour to get inside the IT Suite occupied by the Doctor, Rose and Sarah Jane. Rose shoos them away. ROSE: No, no, this classroom's out of bounds. You've all gotta go to the South Hall. Off you go, South Hall! The children move away and Rose shuts the door. INT. STAFF ROOM Mr Finch and his brothers enter the staffroom. Mr Parsons stands. MR PARSONS: What is it now, Mr Finch? MR FINCH: Slight change in the timetable. We're having an early lunch. Mr Wagner closes the door to the staff room, and we hear the screeches and screams as the teachers inside are devoured. INT. COMPUTER LAB The Doctor, sonic screwdriver clenched between his teeth, rips a handful of wires out of a computer and hangs them around his neck as runs the sonic screwdriver along the back of the computer. Sarah Jane watches him, looking slightly anxious. THE DOCTOR: I can't shift it. SARAH JANE: I thought the sonic screwdriver could open anything! THE DOCTOR: Anything except a deadlock seal. There's gotta be something inside here. What're they teaching those kids? INT. CORRIDORS Mr Wagner holds a door open for the children, who bundle inside the classroom. Kenny is left outside, as he has lagged behind. He hesitates, taking a few steps backwards, not trusting the eagerness of the other children. INT. HEADMASTER'S OFFICE Mr Finch walks into his office and sits behind the desk. MR FINCH: Close the school. He taps a few keys on the keyboard, and the screen flashes with the text: SECURITY OVERRIDE. Mr Finch sits back in his chair and burps quietly into his hand. EXT. DEFFRY VALE HIGH SCHOOL Every exit to the school slams shut. INT. MR WAGNER'S CLASS Mr Wagner once again brings the code up onto the computer screens. The children's heads snap forwards and they type furiously as the code scrolls down the screen. INT. COMPUTER LAB SARAH JANE: You wanted the program, there it is. For every computer in their IT Suite is also displaying the code, including the large screen at the front of the room. THE DOCTOR (staring at it): Some sort of code... INT. CORRIDORS Kenny runs down the corridors, looking through every window and seeing the same thing, hordes of children engrossed in the computers. Terrified, he runs back in the direction he came from and down the stairs. He tries the main doors at the front of the school, but they are sealed shut. He rattles them. Mickey notices him and immediately gets out of the car. INT. COMPUTER LAB THE DOCTOR (still staring at the code, eyes wide and mouth slightly open): No... no, they can't be... EXT. DEFFRY VALE HIGH SCHOOL KENNY (through closed doors, to Mickey): They've taken them all! MICKEY: What? KENNY: They've taken all the children! Mickey runs back to the car and rips the blanket off K9. He presses random buttons frantically. MICKEY: Come on, I need some help! He whacks K9 on the head, then looks away helplessly, but... K9: System restarting. All primary drives functioning. MICKEY: You're working! Okay, no time to explain, we need to get inside the school. Do you have like, I dunno, a lock picking device? K9: We are in a car. MICKEY: ... . Maybe a drill attachment? K9: We are in a car. MICKEY (annoyed): Fat lot of good, you are. K9: We are in a car. MICKEY: Wait a second... we're in a car. (Shouts to Kenny): Get back! Kenny squints through the window. INT. COMPUTER LAB THE DOCTOR: The Skasis Paradigm. They're trying to crack the Skasis Paradigm. SARAH JANE: The Skasis what? THE DOCTOR: The... God-maker. The universal theory. Crack that equation and you've got control of the building blocks of the universe. Time and space and matter, yours to control. ROSE: What, and the kids are like a giant computer? THE DOCTOR: Yes. He paces around, working it out. THE DOCTOR (CONT'D): And their learning power is being accelerated by the oil! That oil from the kitchens, it works as a... as a... conducting agent. Makes the kids cleverer. ROSE: But that oil's on the chips. I've been eating them. THE DOCTOR: What's fifty-nine times thirty-five? ROSE: Two thousand and sixty five. The Doctor gives a "that says it all" look. ROSE (CONT'D): Oh my God... SARAH JANE: But why use children? Can't they use adults? THE DOCTOR: No, it's gotta be children. The God-maker needs imagination to crack it. They're not just using the children's brains to break the code... they're using their souls. Behind him, Mr Finch walks into the room. MR FINCH: Let the lesson begin. The Doctor turns to face him. MR FINCH (CONT'D) (approaching slowly): Think of it, Doctor, with the Paradigm solved, reality becomes clay in our hands. We can shape the universe and improve it. THE DOCTOR: Oh yeah? The whole of creation with the face of Mr Finch. Call me old fashioned, but I like things as they are. MR FINCH: You act like such a radical, and yet all you want to do is preserve the old order. Think of the changes that could be made if this power was used for good. THE DOCTOR (skeptically): What, by someone like you? MR FINCH: No... someone like you. The Doctor is silent, this is not the answer he was expecting. MR FINCH (CONT'D): The Paradigm gives us power, but you could give us wisdom. Become a God. At my side. Imagine what you could do, think of the civilizations you could save. Perganon, Assinta... your own people, Doctor. Standing tall. The Time Lords... reborn. The Doctor still says nothing, staring into Mr Finch's eyes and not looking away. SARAH JANE: Doctor, don't listen to him. MR FINCH (turning to her and Rose): And you could be with him throughout eternity. Young... fresh... never wither, never age... never die. Their lives are so fleeting. So many goodbyes. How lonely you must be, Doctor. Join us. The Doctor has a faraway look in his eyes... he's so terribly tempted. THE DOCTOR: I could save everyone... MR FINCH: Yes. THE DOCTOR (whispers): I could stop the war... A small smile graces Finch's lips. SARAH JANE (desperately): No. The universe has to move forward. Pain and loss, they define us as much as happiness or love. Mr Finch closes his eyes. SARAH JANE (CONT'D): Whether it's a world, or a relationship... everything has its time. And everything ends. The Doctor stares for a few more seconds and Sarah Jane's words seem to strengthen his resolve. He grits his teeth, picks up a chair and hurls it through the screen displaying the code, which smashes. THE DOCTOR: Out! EXT. DEFFRY VALE HIGH SCHOOL Mickey has started the car and is now driving it straight towards the school, right through the front doors, smashing the windows. He leaps out. MICKEY (to Kenny): Come on! INT. DEFFRY VALE HIGH SCHOOL Mr Finch, on the stairs, lets out a screech that echoes through the school. Mr Wagner and two other Krillitanes pause and morph into their true, bat form. INT. STAIRWELL Kenny and Mickey meet the Doctor, Rose and Sarah Jane at the bottom of the stairs. MICKEY: What is going on? The three Krillitanes half fly, half grope their way along the corridor to them. The Doctor and the others turn on their heels and run in the opposite direction. The Krillitanes separate at the end of the corridor, and only one pursues them. They run into the canteen hall and try the doors on the other side, but they are locked. The Doctor reaches inside his coat for the sonic screwdriver, just as Mr Finch bursts through the doors followed by several of the Krillitanes. KENNY: Are they my teachers? THE DOCTOR: Yeah. Sorry. MR FINCH (to his brothers): Leave the Doctor alive. As for the others... you can feast. The Krillitanes swoop down on them. The Doctor tries to beat them off with a chair. The others scream and try to duck out of the way, when suddenly, one of the Krillitanes is hit with a beam of red light and falls to the floor, dead. K9 has come to the rescue! Mr Finch roars with rage. SARAH JANE: K9! K9: Suggest you engage running mode, mistress. THE DOCTOR: Come on! The Doctor and the others run, and K9 shoots at the Krillitanes again and again. THE DOCTOR (CONT'D): K9, hold them back! K9: Affirmative, master. Maximum defense mode! The Doctor reaches a door, he ushers the others through it. THE DOCTOR: Come on! He slams it shut behind them and locks it with his sonic screwdriver. K9 (still shooting): Power supply failing. MR FINCH (quiet exasperation): Forget the shooty dog thing. K9: Power supply failing. He reaches the end of his power supply and switches off. INT. PHYSICS LAB THE DOCTOR (sudden brainwave): It's the oil. Krillitane life forms can't handle the oil! That's it! They've changed the physiology so often, even their own oil is toxic to them. How much was there in the kitchens? ROSE: Barrels of it. They jump as the Krillitanes start to pound on the locked door, their claws ripping holes in it. THE DOCTOR: Okay, we need to get to the kitchens. Mickey... MICKEY: What now, hold the coats? THE DOCTOR: Get all the children unplugged and out of the school. Now then, bats, bats, bats, how do we fight bats? Kenny strides over to a fire alarm, breaks the glass with his elbow and sets it off. The Krillitanes immediately wince and quail at the shrill sound. The Doctor beams and flings open the door, the Krillitanes are in too much distress to hurt them. He and the others quickly run past. Finch, gritting his teeth, punches through a wall and rips out a bundle of wires which cuts off the alarm. MR FINCH: Get after them. He strides down the staircase, and the other three Krillitanes, having recovered, follow him. INT. CORRIDOR The Doctor and co. leg it down a corridor. K9 emerges from a doorway. K9: Master! THE DOCTOR: Come on, boy! Good boy. K9 trundles along with them. INT. COMPUTER LAB Mickey bursts into one of the IT Suites. MICKEY: Okay, listen everyone, we've gotta get out of here. No one takes a blind bit of notice of him. The children are all "plugged into" the computers. Bewildered, Mickey stares at a monitor, then waves his hand in front of Melissa's face which elicits no response whatsoever. INT. KITCHENS The Doctor, Sarah Jane, Rose, K9 and Kenny have reached the kitchens. The Doctor immediately holds his sonic screwdriver to one of the oil barrels. THE DOCTOR: They've been deadlock sealed! He tries another. THE DOCTOR (CONT'D): Finch must've done that. I can't open them. K9: The vats would not withstand a direct hit from my laser. But my batteries are failing. THE DOCTOR: Right. Everyone out the back door. K9, stay with me. Sarah Jane, Rose and Kenny run to the backdoor, leaving the Doctor crouched before K9. INT. COMPUTER LAB Mickey is at the head computer trying to stop the code, without much luck. He looks very confused, and then notices the protective casing covering the wires, winding around the walls of the room. He follows it and realizes that all the cables lead into one plug socket. So he pulls it out. All the computers go dead and the socket explodes with sparks. MICKEY: Everyone get out, now! The trance broken, the children immediately get to their feet and move towards the door. MICKEY (CONT'D): Come on, move! Let's go, let's go! INT. STAIRWELL The Krillitanes bound down the stairs. They go off shot, and we see their shadows morph into human form. When they move back into view, Mr Finch, Wagner, the dinner ladies and other other teachers are hurrying down the remainder of the stairs. INT. KITCHENS The Doctor moves the vats of oil within easy shot of K9. K9: Capacity for only one shot, Master. For maximum impact, I must be placed directly beside the vat. THE DOCTOR (rushing over to him): But you'll be trapped inside. K9: That is correct. THE DOCTOR: I can't let you do that. K9: No alternative possible, Master. The Doctor looks over his shoulder as he hears the screeching of the Krillitanes in the background. He looks back at K9, realizing that this is what must be done. THE DOCTOR: Goodbye, old friend. K9: Goodbye Master. THE DOCTOR: You good dog. K9: Affirmative. He waggles his mechanical ears and tail. The Doctor places his hand briefly on K9's head, then dashes off. K9 trundles off towards the vat. The Doctor emerges outside and slams the door behind him, locking it with the sonic screwdriver. EXT. DEFFRY VALE HIGH SCHOOL SARAH JANE (urgently): Where's K9? THE DOCTOR: We need to run. He starts to run. SARAH JANE (not moving): Where is he?! What've you done?? The Doctor grabs her and pulls her away. INT. KITCHENS Mr Finch and his brothers enter the kitchen. MR FINCH: When you find him... eat him if you must, but bring me his brain. EXT. DEFFRY VALE HIGH SCHOOL The Doctor grabs Sarah Jane's hand as they run for their lives, just like they used to. INT. KITCHENS K9 raises his head as the Krillitanes look down at him. MR FINCH (mockingly): The little dog with a nasty bite. (He bends slightly, whispers). Not so powerful now, are you? K9 shoots his laser at the vat of oil causing it to explode all over the Krillitanes, who scream. EXT. DEFFRY VALE HIGH SCHOOL Mickey is caught up in the crowd of children running out of the school. MICKEY: Come on, guys! Let's go, let's go! INT. KITCHENS The Krillitanes are wailing and writhing with agony. DINNER LADY: Burning! MR FINCH (to K9): You bad dog. K9: Affirmative. And the school explodes. The children assembled outside all burst into cheer and applause, Rose and Mickey join in, hugging each other and grinning manically. KENNY: Yes! MELISSA (turning to him): Did you have something to do with it? KENNY: Yeah, I did. Melissa's mouth drops open. MELISSA: Oh my God. (Shouts to everyone else). Kenny blew up the school! It was Kenny! The children cheer even harder and start chanting: Kenny! Kenny! Kenny! , patting him on the back. Only the Doctor and Sarah Jane stand separate from the merriment. Sarah Jane looks distraught. THE DOCTOR: I'm sorry. SARAH JANE (quickly): It's all right. He was just a... daft metal dog. Fine, really. And she bursts into tears. The Doctor puts his arm around her comfortingly. Rose turns back to look up at the school with Mickey. EXT. PARK It is a beautiful day, in what looks like a park. Sarah Jane walks up to the TARDIS. The Doctor steps outside the doors and faces her. THE DOCTOR: Cuppa tea? He steps aside to let Sarah Jane walk through the doors. She takes in the interior, wide-eyed. The Doctor follows her through and shuts the door behind her. She turns to him. SARAH JANE: You've redecorated! THE DOCTOR: Do you like it? SARAH JANE (looking around): Oh, I, I do. Yeah. I preferred it as it was, but uh... yeah. It'll do! ROSE: I love it. SARAH JANE: Hey, you, what's forty seven times three hundred and sixty nine? ROSE: No idea. It's gone now, the oil's faded. SARAH JANE: But you're still clever. More than a match for him. Rose smiles. ROSE: You and me both. Sarah Jane nods. Rose looks to the Doctor who is fiddling with the computer, as though prompting him to say something. ROSE (CONT'D): Doctor...? THE DOCTOR (looking up): Um... we're about to head off, but... you could come with us. Rose looks at her, smiling expectantly. Sarah Jane looks from happy face to happy face. And shakes her head. SARAH JANE n(softly): No... I can't do this anymore. The Doctor's and Rose's smiles fade slightly. SARAH JANE (CONT'D) (enthusiastically): Besides, I've got a much bigger adventure ahead! Time I stopped waiting for you and found a life of my own. MICKEY: Can I come? Sarah Jane looks surprised. Rose however, knows exactly what he means and looks non too pleased. MICKEY (quickly): No, not with you, I mean... with you. He gestures to the Doctor. MICKEY (CONT'D): 'Cause I'm not the tin dog. And I wanna see what's out there. Rose mouths "no" at the Doctor. SARAH JANE: Oh, go on, Doctor. Sarah Jane Smith, a Mickey Smith. You need a Smith on board! THE DOCTOR: Okay then, I could do with a laugh. Rose rolls her eyes. Mickey laughs in delight, but stops quickly upon noticing Rose's lack of response. MICKEY: Rose, is that okay? ROSE (sarcastically): No, great. Why not? There is a rather awkward silence. SARAH JANE: Well, I'd better go. She takes Rose aside. The Doctor returns his attention to the computer. ROSE (quietly): What do I do? She glances over at the Doctor. ROSE: Do I stay with him? SARAH JANE: Yes. Some things are worth getting your heart broken for. She embraces Rose. SARAH JANE (CONT'D): Find me... if you need to, one day. Find me. Rose gives her a small smile. The Doctor holds open the doors for Sarah Jane, who steps out of the TARDIS for the last time. The Doctor follows her and they stand outside for their final goodbyes. SARAH JANE : It's daft. But I haven't ever thanked you for that time, and like I said, I wouldn't have missed it for the world. THE DOCTOR: Something to tell the grandkids. SARAH JANE: Oh, I think it'll be someone else's grandkids now. THE DOCTOR (looking distinctly awkward): Right. Yes, sorry, I didn't get a chance to ask. You haven't... there hasn't been anyone...? You know...? SARAH JANE: Well... there was this one guy. I travelled with him for a while. But he was a tough act to follow. She laughs slightly and the Doctor smiles softly. SARAH JANE (CONT'D): Goodbye, Doctor. THE DOCTOR: Oh, it's not goodbye... SARAH JANE: Say it, please. This time. Say it. THE DOCTOR (looking straight into her eyes): Goodbye. My Sarah Jane. He throws his arms around her and lifts her right off the ground in a final embrace. He gives her one last smile before heading back into the TARDIS and closing the door behind him, leaving Sarah Jane standing alone outside. The engines start up and she walks slowly away, not looking back until it has almost gone, her eyes sparkling with tears. The leaves billow in the breeze created by the TARDIS, and K9 is revealed where he must've been sitting just out of sight behind it. SARAH JANE (overjoyed): K9! K9 trundles over to her. K9: Mistress! SARAH JANE (crouching down): But... you were blown up! K9: Master rebuilt me. My systems are much improved with new undetectable hyperlink facilities. SARAH JANE (beaming): Oh...! He replaced you with a brand new model! K9: Affirmative. SARAH JANE: Yep. He does that. Come on, you. Home. We've got work to do. K9: Affirmative. And Sarah Jane and K9 walk off into the sunset.

The Doctor works undercover as a teacher in a school which Mickey believes is suspicious. Rose, working as a dinner lady , notices the cafeteria's chips have an adverse effect on other members of the kitchen staff, while the Doctor notes the chips seem to make the students more intelligent. The success of headmaster Mr Finch has aroused media attention; investigative journalist and the Doctor's former companion Sarah Jane Smith arrives at the school and discovers the TARDIS. She and her robotic dog K9 join up with the Doctor, Rose, and Mickey and they discover that the teachers are actually Krillitanes and the chips are coated with Krillitane oil, intended to make the children smart enough so they can decode the "Skasis Paradigm", a theory of everything , which will give the Krillitanes full control of time and space. The Doctor refuses to join the Krillitanes and evacuates the children, after which K9 detonates the container of the chip oil which destroys the Krillitanes, the school, and K9. Sarah Jane declines the Doctor's offer to travel with him and suggests that Mickey do so instead, and the Doctor gives her a brand new model of K9.

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Act One Scene One - High-Priced French Gourmet Shop Martin is standing around with Eddie whilst Niles tastes some cheese with his eyes closed. The French shopkeeper, Robert - which, should be noted, is pronounced in a French accent with a soft t (it sounds very much like "roe bear"), helps him. Robert: Now for a difficult one. Niles: [tastes] Firm, velvety rind, a bit smokey, mmm... applewood, I think. Robert: Oui. Martin: This is what I get for sending you to sleep-away camp in France! Robert: Can I help you with anything else, monsieur? Martin: No thanks, this six-dollar can of dog food will be fine. It sure teaches me not to leave my shopping till the last minute again. Niles: [realizes] Oh, is it Reblochon? Robert: You are good, Dr. Crane. Martin: Yeah, he's a regular cheese whiz! Niles: I'll take half a pound of the Reblochon and half a pound of St. Andr and I know I ask this every week but... is it here? Robert: Is what here? Niles: You know very well what I mean; the imported Swiss prosciutto. Robert: Aaah, the Bidnelfleisch! I am sorry, if only you had been here one hour ago... Niles: Damn! Robert: You would have seen it arrive. He bursts into mocking, high-pitched laughter. Niles laughs a little too - while breathing heavily and clutching his heart. Robert: I have my fun with you. Niles: [tormented] You do, Robert, you make me long for the days when you barely spoke English. Slice, slice like the wind, I'll take a pound. Meanwhile, Martin is looking at some samples on a table. Martin: Whoa! Eighteen dollars a pound! This salami's good, but it's not that good. Robert: That saucissons was aged for six months and was cured in a small village at the foot of the Pyrenees at Gilder Brown. It's a steal at that price. Martin: You got that right, pal. Niles: Dad, if you want to wait outside, I'll be through in a minute. Martin: What? I'm fine. Whoa-ho, look at all these different kinds of olive oil. Virgin, extra-virgin. [laughs] Extra-virgin? How does that work? [laughs] Well, I guess if you can cure a sausage! Niles seems to be embarrassed. Robert: Monsieur, I'm so glad you find my foods so amusing. Niles: Oh, Robert, he's only joking, keep on slicing. Martin: Oh, come on now, even you've got to admit this whole store's kinda nutty. Robert: Pardon? Martin: Fourteen dollars for a pound of goat's cheese. God, at that price I ought to be able to get a whole goat! Niles: We're slicing. Robert: [to Martin] Perhaps, Monsieur, you would be more comfortable if you just waited outside. Martin: You want me to leave, just come out and say it in plain English. Robert: Fine, leave from my store. Martin: Okay, no problem. Come on Niles, you heard the man, he wants us to [French accent] "leave from his store." Robert: Don't hurry back. Martin: Don't worry, all the money in the world wouldn't get me back in this snob shop. Martin exits as Niles stops in the doorway. Niles: That man is my father, so obviously I cannot leave here with a bag full of your merchandise. Robert: Home delivery? Niles: [quietly] Thank you. [shouts] No-one treats my father that way... [quietly] Those olives, too. [shouts] No-one! As he exits, Robert nods and puts the olives aside. [SCENE_BREAK] OUT & IN Scene Two - Radio Station Frasier is walking the corridors of KACL outside his booth as a young woman, Sharon, from the station, comes over to him. Sharon: About the photo shoot tomorrow, will you be needing make-up? Frasier: Oh, heavens, no! Sharon: That's a good choice, because I think that you look very handsome without it. Frasier: Really? Well, I think you look very attractive with make-up. Not that I'm saying you need make-up, it's that if indeed you are wearing make-up, it's so expertly applied that I wouldn't even know you're wearing make-up... [sighs] I'm sure it looks like I'm wearing some rouge right now. Sharon: I know what you meant, and thank you. Oh, Dr. Crane, I was meaning to ask you: what do you think about two people who work together dating? Frasier: Oh, well, Sharon, I'm asked that question a lot and let me tell you, the stark reality is that that situation is fraught with... Frasier looks up and cottons on to Sharon's come-hither-look. Frasier: ...[smiles] delightful possibilities. Sharon: So, are you free on Friday? Frasier: Er, Friday, yes, Friday it is. After the show? Sharon: Great. Frasier: Great. Sharon: Okay. Frasier: Bye. Frasier enters his booth with a smile on his face. In the booth, he meets a handsome young man by the name of Dr. Clint Webber. Clint: Dr. Crane? Frasier: Yes. Clint: Clint Webber. The station just hired me to host the new show on health issues. Frasier: Oh, yes, of course, Dr. Webber. Well, welcome to KACL. Clint: I understand I'm in your debt for recommending my audition tape. Frasier: Oh, not at all, it was very good, very good indeed. Besides, you know, we'd all gotten a bit tired of the last show that was in that timeslot; "Bert The Backyard Gardener." A woman in her latest crock gave new meaning to the term, "Potting Shed"! [Roz enters] Ah, perfect timing, come Clint. Frasier presents Roz to Clint. Frasier: Roz Doyle, my producer, this is Dr. Clint Webber, the new host of "Health Watch." Roz: [taken aback] Hi. Clint: Hi, great to meet you. Roz: [flirting] So, er, you're new? Clint: That's right. Roz: And a doctor? Clint: That's right. Roz then lets out a school-girl giggle. Clint: Well, I don't want to be late for that station tour. [exits] Frasier: Well, again, welcome aboard, Clint. Roz: Oh, my God, could I acted any goofier? Frasier: Not without a set of fake buck-teeth! Roz: He's so handsome, I can't work with someone that handsome. [realizes] No offense. Frasier: Oh, none taken. Granted, when it comes to the looks department, Dr. Webber and I aren't in the same... Roz: [jumps in] Species? Frasier: Well, I was going to say "league," but species is so much more insulting! Bulldog enters in a mad rant along with Gil Chesterton. Bulldog: This stinks, this is total BS! The chicks are all going nuts over this new Webber guy. I'm supposed to be the only s*x symbol around here. [pulls shirt up showing his torso] Wait, look at it, look at it. Come on, take your best shot. Roz goes to him with her fists clenched. Bulldog: Whoa-ho, not you! [indicating Frasier and Gil] One of those guys. Frasier: Bulldog, you're behaving immaturely even for you. Granted the man's handsome but it's no reason to feel threatened. Gil: I must confess, I didn't notice he was all that handsome. The rest are shocked. Roz: You didn't notice? [laughs] You of all people? Gil: Just what are you insinuating? Roz: Well, you know, you're a little... er.... Gil: For your information, I happen to be a happily married man. The rest are shocked further. Frasier: You're... married? Bulldog: To a woman? Gil: Of course to a woman! You've all heard me mention Deb. Well, how often have I said, "I must be running along now, Deb will be waiting." Roz: We thought Deb was your cat. Gil: She is not a cat! She is Mrs. Gilbert Leslie Chesterton, a Sarah Lawrence graduate, and the owner of a very successful auto body repair shop. Honestly, the conclusions people make, just because a man dresses well and knows how to use a pastry bag! He exits with dignity. Frasier: Well, that's the first time I've ever seen a man "in" himself. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene Three - Caf Nervosa We see a very depressed Eddie lying on the floor of the Caf . The scene pulls up to show Niles and Martin sitting at the table beside him. Niles: Dad, I can't help noticing Eddie's looking a bit glum. Martin: Yeah, he's mad at me. I gave him a can of that dog food from your fancy gourmet place the other day. Niles: He didn't like it? Martin: No, he loved it, but now he won't eat anything else! He even turned his nose up at a kosher pickle and he loves those. And the bad thing is, I called all over Seattle and Frenchie's the only one who carries that stuff. Niles: I don't suppose you'd consider apologizing? Martin: Forget it, I'm never setting foot in that store again. Niles: If things get worse, there is a technique of sleep-feeding I know. It involves an eye-dropper and a high fructose protein shake. Martin: Well, I don't know about that. Niles: Well, it worked on Maris. Frasier and Roz enter, they all greet each other and pull up a chair. Niles: [indicating a rash on Frasier's cheek] Frasier, are you aware? Frasier: Yes, I'm aware. We were taking publicity photos today, I had an allergic reaction to the make-up I was wearing. I wasn't planning on wearing any make-up at all but there's this handsome new employee at the station, everybody's feeling incredibly insecure about their looks. They were all slapping their make-up on, so I too gave in to vanity. [Clint enters and goes to the counter] And, like Icarus flying too close to the sun I had to pay the price. Martin: [noticing Clint] Wow! Frasier: Thank you, Dad, I don't like to go with mythology too often, but that was spot-on... Martin: No, I mean that guy, he's so handsome. Roz: It's him, it's him, Dr. Webber. Frasier: All right, Roz! Niles: Well, he is striking. Roz: Frasier's just jealous. Frasier: Oh, I am not jealous. Yes, the man is handsome, but I'm sure there are a number of areas in which I am his superior. You know, let's not forget that good looks can be a mixed blessing. People just roll out the red carpet for you but that robs you of any incentive to develop other qualities. After a while you're left an aging narcissist bent at the water's edge, realizing those lines in the pond aren't ripples, they're wrinkles. Martin: Amazing. Frasier: Thank you, dad, I rather like that one myself. Martin: That guy could be a movie star! Frasier: All right, Roz, don't we have some work... [notices free table] over there? Niles: Oh, no, no, take this table, I have a session anyway. Martin: Yeah, I gotta go too. Like Zeus riding his thunderbolt to Mount... Frasier: Very amusing Dad, off you go. Martin takes Eddie and leaves with Niles as Clint comes over to the table. Clint: Dr. Crane. Frasier: Oh, Dr. Webber. You remember Roz Doyle, of course. Clint: Yes, hello. Roz gives him a girlish laugh. Frasier: Who could forget that infectious laugh? Clint: Speaking of which, has anyone had a look at that rash? Frasier: Oh, yes, everybody. Clint: So, mind if I join you? Frasier: Well, actually we were... Roz: We were hoping you would. Roz saucily pushes out a chair with her foot for him to sit at, he sits. Frasier: So, Clint, I see that you're a squash player. You know, if you're up for a game some day, I used to play a bit back in Harvard. Clint: Well, I'd love to. Harvard? Wow! I was dying to go to Harvard. Frasier: Well, I'm sure the school you went to was just as good. Clint: I went to Oxford. Frasier: Oh, well, even better. So, did you go to medical school there as well? Clint: Yes, but I took a year off first to get my Master's in French history. Frasier: Ah? Clint: Just wanted to do something fun. Frasier: Mmmm. Roz: Does that mean you speak French? Clint: Certainement, pois je conte belle fais. Roz gasps at his accent. Frasier: Well, I too understand the importance in taking some time off before beginning medical school. I spent that summer in Milan studying the history of opera. In fact, I had the good fortune to make an acquaintance and become friends with a then-little-known young tenor by the name of Carreras. Clint: Jose Carreras? Frasier: Forgive the name dropping. Clint: He's my godfather. Frasier: [very jealous] You're joking! Clint: No, I'll call him tonight, he'll be delighted to hear I'm working with you. Frasier: [laughs] I'll be interested to see if he remembers the game we used to play where we pretended not to remember one another. Roz gives him a look. Clint: You know, Frasier, that rash is starting to concern me. Maybe I'll just pop out to the car and get my medical gear. Frasier: There's really no need. Clint leaves. Frasier: Okay, maybe we can work now while he's gone. [Roz starts fanning herself] Oh, Roz, for heaven's sake. You're behaving like a starry eyed Bobby Socks-er. Yes, the man is good looking, it's not like he can stop traffic! We hear cars screeching to a stop outside. Frasier: [off Roz's look] There's a blind corner out there, we don't know that was him! End of Act One Act Two Scene One - Radio Station Clint and Frasier arrive in the booth to meet Roz who is on one of her pregnancy cravings it seems. Roz: How was your squash game? Frasier: Oh, well, Dr. Webber neglected to mention that he was squash champion back in college. Roz: I'm sorry, Frasier. Frasier: Oh, no, not at all. It was a lovely morning, Clint was gracious enough to treat me to breakfast. Course, once we arrived at "Le Ren e," the chef had just cut himself. Clint not only treated the wound but set about to making us a flawless egg-white and truffle omelet. Clint: I put myself through med school as a sous-chef at "Le Cirque." Roz: Sometimes I just want to pinch you to make sure you're real. Roz goes to him but Frasier holds her back. Frasier: He's real. [sits] Clint: I'm just going to get a glass of water, I'll be right back. [exits] Roz: But you're about to start the show. Frasier: Yes, I know, Roz, I thought it would be a good idea to have Clint on, introduce him to my listeners, give his show a leg up. Roz: All right, you're plugging Clint?! I'm sorry, I'm having a lot of trouble believing this buddy-buddy attitude. Frasier: Roz, try as you may to insinuate that I have some seething jealousy to this man, the fact is, I like Clint. Why else would I be giving a party in his honour this evening? Clint enters and sits. Roz: Okay. You're on in ten seconds. Roz exits to her booth. Frasier: Yes, right up. Let's just slip on our headphones, and follow my lead, okay? [presses button] Good afternoon, Seattle, this is Dr. Frasier Crane. Before we start our regular program, I'd like to take this opportunity to introduce you to Dr. Clint Webber. Clint, if you're anything like I am, you'll spend your first week trying to figure out what all these buttons do. Clint: Actually, in college I ran the radio station. Frasier: Ah, well, things may have gotten a bit more sophisticated since then. For instance we have here a cough button. [presses and releases the button] Clint: If I'm not mistaken that's the echo button. Frasier: [laughs] Of course it is. All my listeners are familiar with my now-trademark "echoing cough"! [laughs] Well, let's go to the lines, take our first call, show Dr. Webber the ropes, shall we? [presses button] Go ahead, you're on the air. Marie: [v.o] Oh, hi, hi, Dr. Crane, it's Marie. Frasier: Oh, hello, Marie, I'm listening. Frasier signs to Clint how that's his little signature line. Marie: [v.o] I, I've been having a hard time getting out of bed every morning and when I finally do I'm irritable for hours. Frasier: Really? Well, Marie, the desire to stay in bed is very similar to the desire to regress to the womb. Some unconscious fear is driving you to a place of safety. Now, in order to resolve this problem you're going to have to examine your life and discover just what it is you're retreating from. It's hard but very necessary work, I suggest that it maybe time to try some therapy. Marie: [v.o] Wow! Clint: You are good, Dr. Crane. The first thing that came to my head was that she might be a little hypoglycemic, I'd have suggested some protein in the morning. Marie: [v.o] Oh, wait a minute. Last Thursday I had eggs for breakfast and I felt great all day. Clint: Well, maybe that's it, then. Marie: [v.o] Oh, what a relief! You know, you scared the life out of me, Dr. Crane. Frasier: Yes, well, thank you, Marie. [presses button] But I think it's time to say goodbye to Dr. Webber now and we'll be back right after these messages. [signs off] Clint: Thanks, Frasier, that was fun. Frasier: Yes, it was, wasn't it? Clint: I hope I didn't say anything out of line. Frasier: Oh, no, no, not at all, I always enjoy learning something new. Well, I'll see you tonight, don't be late. Clint: I'm always punctual. Frasier: [covers anger with a laugh] Of course you are! Clint exits as Frasier leans over and calls through to Roz's booth. Frasier: [lightly] I hate him. [SCENE_BREAK] BONE APP TIT Scene Two - High-Priced French Gourmet Shop Daphne and Martin enter and notice Robert is not there, only his assistant. Martin: Oh, he's not even here. Daphne: Your luck's out. Martin: [goes to assistant] Yes, I'll just take a case of that dog food, please. Assistant: Will that be all? Martin: Yeah, that's it and I'm in a bit of a hurry. Daphne: [picks up biscuits laughing] Look here, Nickerson's Lemon Biscuits. God, these bring back memories. I just love them. Do you carry the Raspberry ones as well? Assistant: I'm not sure. Martin: Could you come back for those? Assistant: [calls back] Robert? Martin: Oh, God. Robert enters and notices Martin. Robert: Well, look who's come back. Martin: Look, why don't you just let me pay for this and get out of here? What do I owe you? Robert: I think we both know what you owe me. Martin: All right. I'm sorry, I shouldn't have made fun of your store. You gonna let me off the hook or not? Robert: All right, I'll sell it to you. I never like to lose a customer. Martin: Well, great. You know, while I'm here I might as well take a few cases. Robert: We have several new varieties in if you'd care to take a look. Martin: Oh, sure. Robert: Please, show the man. The assistant takes Martin off stage to show him the dog food. Daphne: [looks at her biscuits] Oh, I think these biscuits are mis-marked. Robert: [looks] No, that's correct. Daphne: $14.95 for a package this small?! Robert: I see we have another member of the price club! Daphne: Hey, there's no need for that attitude. Back home I can get these for 80 pence! Robert: Well, I do have to fly these over. Daphne: What did you do? Buy them a seat on the Concorde?! Robert: Madame, if you cannot afford them, simply put them back. Daphne: I can bloody well afford them, I just don't like being gouged, this is robbery! Robert: Robber! [he pronounces it "Ro-bear"] No-one calls me a robber! Assistant: [o.s] Robert? Robert: Not now! [to Daphne] On your way out you will see a sign on the door saying "Please come again." Disregard it! Daphne: I'd be happy to. You know, Mr. Crane was right about you. You're nothing but an arrogant, swindling little cheese- monger. Martin: [enters with dog food] This is great! I'll take a case of each. Robert: [snatches it away] You'll take a case of nothing! Martin: What happened now? Daphne: We don't need him or his food! Martin: Yes, we do, he's got tarragon flavor now! Daphne: Come on! Martin: But Daph, what about Eddie? Daphne: Oh, he'll eat when he gets hungry. For heaven's sakes, he drinks out of the toilet! Daphne pulls Martin out of the shop. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene Three - Frasier's Apartment. A huge crowd is gathered for the party as Clint tells them all a story. Clint: So, George S. Kaufmann so dislikes what the actor is doing, he sends the poor fellow a telegram reading, "I'm watching your performance from the rear of the house, wish you were here." [they all laugh] Sorry to jump in there, Frasier, but I believe that's the story you started. Frasier: Thanks for helping out. Bulldog: [comes up to Frasier] Hey, Doc, I gotta hand it to you, great way to welcome the new guy. Frasier: Oh, well, really? I'm surprised you're even here at the party. I didn't think you cared much for Clint. Bulldog: Nah, I'm over that. I figured, he can't have every chick. So if we pal around, I bag the leftovers. The doorbell sounds. Frasier: Ah, the regular busboy romance. Excuse me. [opens door to Niles] Niles. Niles: How's it going? Frasier: Well, let me see, what have you missed? Clint told us about how he learned to fly a plane, and then he recited a sonnet and, oh yes, he fixed my ice machine and he invented a new drink; the "Pink Webber"! He's got Daphne drawing a bath right now, in case the party starts to lag, he invited to walk on water, liven things up a bit. Niles: Well, don't let it make you crazy, Frasier. At some point we all run into someone who's our superior. Frasier: It's just that I've never dealt with this sort of thing before. Niles: Never?! Frasier: I can see how that might be baffling to you, as my younger brother, you dealt with this thing all your life. Niles: Yes, well, at least we know he won't out shine you in the egomania department! [takes a "Pink Webber"] Frasier: You're right, I'm being a bit silly about this thing, I suppose. I just wish I could one flaw, one area where I'm his superior. Niles: Well, I'm sure you will.... [takes a sip] Although it won't be in the drink department, this is heaven in a glass! Frasier walks off to Clint who is mulling over a chess game that is set out on the side. Clint: Oh, Frasier, I was just admiring this chess board, it's beautiful. Frasier: Thank you. Do you play? Clint: No, I've read a book or two. Are you in the middle of a match? Frasier: Well, yes, as a matter of fact, I'm playing by mail with a Russian grand master. It's quite challenging. Clint: Well, congratulations. With your cunning use of the Zekreptsky attack, you're only four moves away from certain victory! Frasier: [looks] My God, you're right. And actually I'd be happy to hear that, except I'm playing black, well... wasn't that a fun eight months! Frasier walks off to find Sharon. Frasier: Hello, Sharon. Sorry we haven't had a chance to speak much. Sharon: Oh, I know but I'm really looking forward to our date on Friday. Frasier: Yes, so am I, and you look absolutely beautiful - or should I say... Frasier speaks some Mandarin which Sharon laughs at. Frasier: Oh Boy, what's so funny? Sharon: Well, you just told me "I was as a lovely as a chicken beak." Frasier: Oh, really? [he repeats the Mandarin and Clint overhears] Clint: Who's as lovely as a chicken beak? Sharon: You speak Mandarin? Clint and Sharon begin having a conversation in Mandarin. Frasier leaves them to it in despair to the kitchen. Soon, Clint follows as the pianist strikes up "Isn't It Romantic." Clint: Frasier, I just wanted to thank you for this party. Frasier: Oh, don't mention it. Clint: It's been a perfect evening; The hors d'oeuvres, the company, the music. Oh, I love this song. Frasier: Enjoy. Frasier leaves the kitchen and overhears Clint singing along to "Isn't It Romantic" in a voice that would cause plastic to wish it could shatter. Clint: "Isn't it romantic? Music in the night... Frasier enters. Clint: Oh, I'm sorry, I was singing too loud. Frasier: No, no, not at all. I can't tell you how much I'm enjoying hearing it. Clint: Careful, it doesn't take much coaxing to get me to perform. Frasier: Really? Clint: Oh, yes, get a glass of wine in me, before you know it, I'm serenading the entire room. Frasier: Really? Clint: Oh, I'm afraid I have a bit of the old ham in me. [laughs] Would it be presumptuous to sing in front of your guests? Frasier: Well, I think we could persuade the piano player to play it again. Frasier and Clint enter the main area. Frasier goes over to Niles as Clint makes his way to the piano. Frasier: Niles, Niles, I've done it. I have found his Achilles Heel! Niles: Ah, who's? Frasier: Clint's! Oh, I just heard him singing, the man is completely tone deaf. He's about to launch into a rendition of "Isn't It Romantic" that will simply peel the enamel from your teeth! Niles: Are you sure you want to let him do that? Frasier: What do you mean? Niles: Well, you have your victory, you're a wonderful singer. Isn't it enough to know that? Do you really need to see him humiliate himself? Frasier thinks this over for a few seconds. Frasier: Yes. Niles: Now, Frasier... Frasier: No, no, no, I know, you're right. I guess I am a bigger man than that. Daphne comes over. Daphne: Hey, Dr. Crane, your friend, Clint, he's quite a charmer. Frasier: Yes, he is, isn't he? Daphne: Yeah, do you suppose he's single? [this alerts Niles] I was just getting up the nerve to give him my phone number. Clint announces to the crowds. Clint: Excuse me, everyone. I just want to thank you all for this warm welcome to KACL and as a token of my gratitude, I'd like to share this song with you. Frasier: Clint, there's been a little change of plan... Niles: Yes! I'm going to be your accompanist now! Niles quickly runs over and takes his seat at the piano. He starts to play as Clint sings in the same awful voice. Clint: "Isn't it romantic? Music in the night, A dream that can't be heard... Isn't it romantic?....... Niles gleefully continues playing. Frasier walks past a gobsmacked Daphne. Among the disappointed and embarrassed guests, he suddenly plays the voice of reason: Frasier: Please, everybody... nobody's perfect. The scene ends as Clint "sings" us out. [SCENE_BREAK] Martin is standing outside the high price French gourmet shop looking suspicious. He is covering his face with a newspaper whilst looking through the windows into the shop. He quickly passes the window so he isn't noticed and checks to see that no-one is looking. A young boy comes out of the shop with a case of dog food under his coat. Martin hands him some money, however the kid says it's not enough and is ready to take the dog food back. However, Martin relents and gives him the whole wad of cash in return for a pack of dog food. Martin takes the dog food and runs away with it in joy.

Dr Clint Webber (guest star Billy Campbell) hosts a new show on KACL about health issues. Alll the women at the station find him extremely attractive, and Bulldog is not happy. Frasier himself decides that he can endure this man being more attractive than he is, assuming that there are other areas in which he surpasses Clint. Before long, though, he learns that Clint is also an old Oxonian, an expert squash player, fluent in French and a godson of José Carreras. Frasier maintains that he is not jealous, and tries to cultivate a friendship with Clint, but the list of his skills and abilities seems to grow over time. Eventually, when as a guest on Frasier's radio show, Clint interposes an alternative diagnosis for a caller and she prefers it, Frasier changes his tune, and thereafter refuses to rest until he has discovered just one flaw or deficiency.

fd_Alias_01x05

fd_Alias_01x05_0

(Continuing from last week's episode. Sydney is staring down at the operation in progress, when the bodyguard she recognized from earlier hauls her up by the hair.) BODYGUARD: Recognize me now? (He punches her. Sydney blacks out.) (Bodyguard walks down a hall in the boiler room, dragging Sydney beside him by the strap of her shirt. He speaks in a walkie-talkie.) BODYGUARD: Anyone else? Keep looking. (He slams Sydney up against a wall.) SYDNEY: Uhhh! Uhh. BODYGUARD: I never did find out what you were doing in Corsica. Are you working for Dimitri? (She doesn't respond, so he bangs her against the opposite wall, then chokes her.) BODYGUARD: Tell me now, or you're going in the fire. (He opens a heavy door that leads into the fire pit. Flames lick the top of that room.) SYDNEY: Ahhh... BODYGUARD: Who sent you here? Are you here alone? Who sent you here? (While getting ready to toss her over to the fire, Sydney slips his pen out of his shirt pocket.) BODYGUARD: Answer me, you little bitch! (Sydney stabs him in the neck with the pen, kicks him. She takes the poker for the fire, and hits his gun away. It flies into the fire. She slams the door shut with the poker, and hits the bodyguard three times with it. He falls to the ground. She runs.) BODYGUARD: Get to level "C" now... she got away... (Sydney runs down the hall, turns a corner, running. Two armed men come behind her, chasing her. She stops, sees two men coming from ahead and behind. She's trapped. Sydney runs down the stairs nearby, while gunshots fly around her. She sees more men coming behind her, and sees a tunnel on the wall above her. She jumps up, grabs the bar ahead, and kicks the cover of the tunnel in. Sydney slides down the tunnel, and grabs a hold of the little ledges inside. Holding on with her fingers, looking down the tunnel in fear, gunshots bounce off the sides of the tunnel, all around her. Finally, one bullet hits the ledge she was holding on to, and breaks off. Sydney slides down the tunnel.) (Suddenly, it's daylight. We see Sydney, wet and sprawled out on a rock at the end of the tunnel. She's unconscious. A young boy pokes her several times, and she comes to. He speaks Spanish to her, asking if she's dead.) SYDNEY: Oh, my God... what time is it? (She catches herself, and asks in Spanish. The young boy answers her.) (At the UCO, Dixon is inside the lobby. His cell phone rings.) SYDNEY: Dixon, it's me. (Sydney is on a bus with other people. The young boy stands beside her.) DIXON: Thank God. Where've you been? I didn't sleep last night. SYDNEY: That doesn't matter. Listen to me. Have you spotted Patel? DIXON: (looks outside) He just showed up. News agencies are reporting he had an arrhythmia. Where did they take him? SYDNEY: What I'm about to say, Dixon, you just have to believe me. DIXON: Of course. SYDNEY: The bomb we're looking for... it's inside of him. DIXON: What!? SYDNEY: Inside Patel! They implanted the bomb into his chest, like it was a pacemaker. A simple outpatient procedure. Jacqnoud just turned an Edgar Peace Prize winner into a human bomb! Which is not good. (At the UCO, Dixon watches as Patel goes through the metal detector. It goes off. He opens his shirt a little and shows the guard his bandage.) DIXON: Did you see the device? SYDNEY: Yeah. It's small, which means it's probably on a wireless remote. Look, get Patel and I'll meet you directly behind the auditorium. DIXON: I'll get there as soon as I can. (On the bus, Sydney hangs up and gives the cell phone back to the boy.) (In the lobby, Dixon follows Patel and his guards. He watches from outside the conference room as they take Patel into a back room. He sees Patel's name on the poster outside the room, and glances at his watch. Outside, protestors yell and have anti-UCO signs. Horns honk. People yell. Sydney comes in the gang of protestors and looks around. Inside, people converge inside the room.) SPEAKER: Ladies and gentlemen... it is my honor to officially open the 2001 ministerial conference of the United Commerce Organization. (Applause.) (Outside, Sydney walks up to an ambulance. She speaks in Spanish, tells the driver she isn't feeling well, and "faints." The driver, alarmed, gets out and goes to see if he can help her. Sydney sneaks around the side of the ambulance and jumps in the driver side. She starts up the van.) DRIVER: Hey! (And she takes off.) (In the back room, Dixon walks in, speaking foreign language. The guard stops him, but Dixon tries pleading. Finally, he turns to leave but punches the guard three times. The guard's out. Patel looks at him, alarmed. Dixon tries speaking to him that he has to come with him, Patel refuses. Dixon apologizes, Patel looks confused, and then Dixon punches Patel in the face. Outside the auditorium, Sydney pulls up in the ambulance. Dixon comes out, carrying Patel over his shoulders. Sydney opens the back doors and lets them in.) (Inside the auditorium...) SPEAKER: Please welcome our keynote speaker... ladies and gentlemen... Dhiren Patel! (Inside the ambulance, Patel is on a stretcher.) DIXON: I just punched Dhiren Patel in the face! SYDNEY: Any luck with the trigger? DIXON: I worship this man! SYDNEY: Dixon, when you were in the building, did you I.D. the trigger?! DIXON: No, no! I didn't see anyone! (Sydney takes off the bandage, revealing the incision.) DIXON: Oh, God. (Inside the auditorium, applause. Everyone looks to the backroom, expecting Patel to enter. He doesn't.) SPEAKER: Please, wait one moment. I will be right back. (In the back, Jacqnoud speaks french into his communicator, and looks at the remote. The signal is faint, meaning Patel isn't around.) (Inside the ambulance, Dixon fills a needle while Sydney puts a gas mask over Patel's face, prepping the anesthesia.) SYDNEY: Look, I know you've been field-trained, basic medical, but can you really do this? Pull a bomb out of a man's chest? DIXON: Yeah. (They hear tires screeching. Dixon gets up, looks out the back window and sees a car coming.) DIXON: It's Jacqnoud. (Sydney jumps to the front and starts up the ambulance.) (In the car...) JACQNOUD: There, in the ambulance! (Sydney screenches ahead while Dixon begins taking the staples out of the incision.) DIXON: Don't forget this thing's on a remote. You can't let them get within range! (She screeches around a corner, Jacqnoud behind her. In his car, Jacqnoud looks at the remote and sees the signal is getting stronger.) JACQNOUD: Get me closer! Get me closer! (Sydney rounds another corner sharply, making Dixon fall against the wall of the ambulance, his latex gloves covered in Patel's blood. He finally sits down again, and puts his hand in the cut.) DIXON: I can feel it! SYDNEY: Oh, God! (She screeches around another corner, but slows down when she sees that...) SYDNEY: The police have a roadblock! DIXON: Get around it! SYDNEY: Oh, God! (She crashes through a metal gate, Jacqnoud is right behind her.) JACQNOUD: (to driver) S'il vous plait! Get me CLOSER! (Inside the ambulance...) SYDNEY: You've got to hurry! DIXON: They put an adhesive on the incision, it must have bled through! It's stuck! (Patel is coming to. He mumbles something, still drugged. Dixon's eyes get wide. He puts more gas. Jacqnoud's car is coming closer.) JACQNOUD: Closer! Bon, bon... (The signal is getting stronger. Dixon takes the bomb out of Patel's chest.) SYDNEY: Oh, God... (The bomb begins to beep.) SYDNEY: What's that?! DIXON: It's on a remote! Just keep driving! (Dixon stands up, bomb in hand. Jacqnoud's car is approaching fast.) JACQNOUD: Now! (He's about to hit the button to set off the bomb, when Dixon opens the back door and throws the bomb at the car. Too late. Jacqnoud hits the button... and blows himself, and the car, up. The force of the explosion sends the car flying up and then down on its roof. The ambulance rides safely away.) SYDNEY: Nicely done! DIXON: Patel... you're going to be okay. (Sydney breathes heavily, in relief.) (In a room somewhere, Vaughn and Sydney sit across from each other.) VAUGHN: That's insane! SYDNEY: No kidding. VAUGHN: Dixon just pulled it out of him. SYDNEY: Yeah! VAUGHN: Pulled a bomb out of Dhiren Patel. SYDNEY: The very one. VAUGHN: Damn. SYDNEY: Yeah. VAUGHN: Any luck with the alliance member? SYDNEY: The what? VAUGHN: You were supposed to I.D. the minister SD-6's been trying to protect. SYDNEY: Thanks, I remember. No, I didn't get it. VAUGHN: Sydney, if we're going to take down SD-6-- SYDNEY: Stop. No. VAUGHN: Look, I'm juust saying that identifying-- SYDNEY: Look, I was busy trying to keep one of the most important humanitarians on the planet-- VAUGHN: ...All the alliance members is kind of critical-- SYDNEY: ...From blowing UP! VAUGHN: Fine! (Pause.) SYDNEY: Anyway. I have a paper to finish. (She gets up. Vaughn watches her walk to the door.) VAUGHN: Hey. (She turns.) VAUGHN: I have something for you. (He gets a thick file folder from his briefcase, walks over to her.) VAUGHN: I know you have a lot of questions about your father. I don't know if you want this, but I copied his file. (Sydney, stunned, takes it.) SYDNEY: Thank you. (He nods. She walks out, holding the file. He watches her.) (In a library on campus, Sydney reads her father's file. Case numbers. Her father's picture. "Confidential" and "Copy" are written on the sheets in big, bold letters.) FRANCIE: Sorry I'm late. (Sydney quickly closes the file.) SYDNEY: Hey. It's after one already? FRANCIE: It's one thirty. SYDNEY: Oh, God. You got to be kidding... FRANCIE: Okay, so I'm in my Operations and Technology Management class, and I realize two things. One, I prepared the wrong chapter. SYDNEY: No! FRANCIE: I don't want to talk about it. And two, you and I are going to have a Hallowe'en party. SYDNEY: We are? FRANCIE: Guest list! (She gives Sydney a piece of paper, and they walk out together.) (Outside, Sydney and Francie walk together, Sydney looks at the list.) FRANCIE: What, is it too big? SYDNEY: I think you put down everyone we've met since seventh grade. You invited Kenny. FRANCIE: So? He's a kid. It's Hallowe'en. SYDNEY: Francie, if you want to see Charlie again, you don't have to throw a massive Hallowe'en party and invite his nephew. FRANCIE: I love Kenny. SYDNEY: I know you do, but just admit you're hoping, just a little, that Charlie will bring him. (Sydney stops, staring at something off-camera.) FRANCIE: What? SYDNEY: Is that Will? (Sure enough, Will is seen coming out of a campus building, talking on his cell phone.) FRANCIE: Maybe he's here to talk to you about the humiliating kiss. SYDNEY: Stop calling it that. FRANCIE: That's what it was. (Will walks, and then sees Sydney and Francie, and stops. He waves. Sydney smiles brightly.) WILL: (on cell) Uh, you know, I got to call you back. I got to go. I'll call you back. Bye. (He walks up to them.) WILL: Hey. SYDNEY: What are you doing here? WILL: Oh, I got this, uh, I'm writing a story on S.A.T.'s. About how, like, the university is... what are you guys doing? SYDNEY: Just getting some lunch. FRANCIE: Oh, we're having a Hallowe'en party on Wednesday night. WILL: Oh, excellent. I don't have to wear a costume, do I? SYDNEY/FRANCIE: No./Yeah. (They stare at each other.) WILL: Really. That's... confusing. (Sydney's pager beeps.) WILL: Let me guess -- the bank. SYDNEY: It's a meeting with the higher-ups on these bad loans. WILL: Okay, seriously, your job? FRANCIE: It's a problem, right? SYDNEY: I should go. FRANCIE: We know. SYDNEY: I'll call you guys later, okay? FRANCIE: Okay. WILL: See ya. (Will watches Sydney walk away, with interest.) (SD-6. Briefing meeting. Sloane, Dixon, Sydney and Marshall sit in the board room.) SLOANE: This is Hensel Corporation. A Germany-based chemical conglomerate. They make ibuprofen, hand lotion, toothpaste. They also have a multi-million dollar research and development fund with ties going back to World War II and the third reich. They don't list the last part in their annual stock report. This is Jeroen Schiller. He's one of Hensel's leading biotech engineers. He lives in Berlin. We've been in communication with him since August. Now, the news is that Hensel has perfected a vaccine against biological weapons. Schiller has access to that information. He wants to make a trade. SYDNEY: What does he want in exchange? SLOANE: Safe passage to the United States. DIXON: He lives in Berlin. Why can't he just take a cab to the airport? SLOANE: Germany's not the problem, Hensel is. Anyone who has top level clearance is closely surveilled. Your job is to I.D. Schiller, get him away from Hensel and into the United States. SYDNEY: What kind of extraction? SLOANE: Shipment. Hensel is upgrading their intranet with fiber optics. You go in as a Rhine Com net supervisor. Now, unfortunately, this is the last documented photo of Schiller. University of Hamburg, 1975. We had Tech do an age processing to give you some idea of what he might look like today. You'll find it in there. Marshall, go. MARSHALL: (stands) Right. Thank you. How is, uh, everyone? Hello. Hope everyone's planning on having an enjoyable All Hallow's Eve. SLOANE: Marshall. MARSHALL: Sorry. Okay. This is pretty incredible. Business card. Something you might, you know, hand out. Like, for instance, "Hello, I'm a Rhine Com net supervisor, how are you?" In German, of course. Because English would probably give you away. But the genius, the achievement, is this. Even Sony would be like, "Well, Marshall, this is pretty cool." DIXON: What does it do? MARSHALL: Now, what you do is, you place the card on top of this computer monitor. Now, there's a tiny transmitter inside. This transmitter will override the CPU and make the network think that you are the sys admin. The system administrator. SYDNEY: Wow. MARSHALL: Oh, yeah. You'll manually override the company's firewall, and then Schiller will transfer the vaccine formula from his office to a Canadian-served web site, and then we'll get the password once he's on American soil. (Sydney and Dixon walk out of the meeting together.) DIXON: So, I got your voice mail... SYDNEY: Seriously, please, don't feel obligated. DIXON: No, no, no. I asked Diane. We're coming. All of us. SYDNEY: You don't have to wear a costume. DIXON: You didn't need to say that. SYDNEY: (laughs) Good! MR. BRISTOW: Sydney. (Sydney and Dixon stop; Sydney's face immediately falls.) MR. BRISTOW: Could I have a minute? DIXON: Oh, of course. (to Syd) I'll see you at Op Tech. (Dixon leaves.) MR. BRISTOW: I, um, we were closing a deal last Thursday. I just couldn't get away. SYDNEY: You said that when you called. That's fine. MR. BRISTOW: This is an especially busy time for me, Sydney. There are six different cases I'm overseeing. SYDNEY: Mmm-hmm. MR. BRISTOW: So, until things slow down, we probably shouldn't make any plans. SYDNEY: I wasn't going to pursue it. MR. BRISTOW: I just wanted to clarify. SYDNEY: Good. (He walks away.) (Night. Sydney drives up to a self-storage facility. One other car is parked there. She parks, gets out. Inside, Vaughn opens a cage door.) SYDNEY: Hey. VAUGHN: (gestures to other man) This is Paul Kelvin. Sydney Bristow. KELVIN: I know your father. (They shake hands.) SYDNEY: Really. I hear that a lot. VAUGHN: Okay, we got to move fast. Let me jump in here. The C.I.A.'s been watching Hensel Corp for years. SYDNEY: They're not really creating a vaccine, are they? VAUGHN: Yes, they are, but the U.S. army has been doing parallel research that we thought was years ahead of the Germans. Until we got your intel. SYDNEY: SO, what are we afraid of? VAUGHN: Schiller and his team have developed what we call micro-encapsulated cytocines. They activate the immune cells in your respiratory tract. Do you know anything about this? SYDNEY: A little. You? VAUGHN: A little. Enough to know that SD-6 could sell this vaccine to a radical leader who wants to protect his own people... and start an all-out biological war. SYDNEY: What am I supposed to do in Berlin? VAUGHN: Well, instead of shipping Schiller, who we'll get out through Bamberg, we'll ship Kelvin. He's already been prepped to impersonate Schiller. Now, based on available photographs, we think he's a pretty god match. You'll make the switch in the building's garage. SYDNEY: You sure you're up for this? KELVIN: I'm not looking forward to it, if that's what you mean. SYDNEY: What about when Sloane wants you to give him the vaccine? VAUGHN: He'll give them false information. Kelvin's got a plane waiting. KELVIN: I'll see you in Berlin. SYDNEY: Okay. (Vaughn lets him out. He turns back to Sydney.) SYDNEY: I've got to tell Dixon. VAUGHN: No. Absolutely not. SYDNEY: How am I supposed to make a double switch invisible to my partner? He'll be there. VAUGHN: You cannot tell him the truth. I mean, he might already know who he's working for. SYDNEY: You don't know him. VAUGHN: That's my point. SYDNEY: But I do. VAUGHN: Look, you might be right about Dixon, but you can't volunteer a man for double agent duty if he hasn't asked for it. I mean, his whole life, his family? You'd be putting all that at risk. You. Is that a decision you want to make for him? (In Berlin, Sydney, in disguise, marches up to Hensel Corporation. She goes to the desk, speaking German, and gives them the business card. He lets her in after checking the sign-in sheets. At the elevator, the guard holds the door open for Sydney. She pushes a button, and the doors close.) SYDNEY: I'm in. (Outside the building, Dixon stands.) DIXON: Copy that. All's quiet out front. (Inside, Sydney gets off the elevator and walks down a hall. She enters Schiller's office, and speaks German.) SCHILLER: You are the agent? (Sydney puts the business card on the monitor and sits down. They speak German. Outisde, Dixon gets a box and a pipe leading into the building. On the computer, a pop up box reads "Cracked. Access granted.") SYDNEY: Dixon, I think someone might be following me. meet me at Einsetzung instead of behind the building. DIXON: Copy that. I'm starting the gas now. You'll have two minutes until people regain consciousness. (Sydney speaks German, and gives Schiller a gas mask.) SCHILLER: What's this? (She tells him to put it on in German, she puts one on herself. The gas starts pilfering in. In the control room, error messages blink on the computers. The guard is passed out, his face on the keyboard, unconscious. The computer in Schiller's office is uploading the files to the FTP server.) SCHILLER: Copy! We got it! SYDNEY: Come on. (They leave, gas masks on. They step over unconsious people. Dixon pulls up in a van. Sydney and Schiller walk in the building's garage, gas masks now off. A C.I.A. man hids behind a pillar. When they get close, the man pushes Schiller into a waiting black van. Sydney keeps walking. Paul Kelvin, now wearing glasses and a suit, comes out of another van and falls into step beside Sydney. They walk out together.) SYDNEY: Dixon, I'm on Koenig Strasse. DIXON: I'm on my way. (He takes off. Sydney and Kelvin/Schiller run out together, and hop inside the van. The van pulls away.) (Will and Francie decorate Sydney's place for the party.) WILL: When you asked me to help you set up, you didn't say, "Will you help me set up all day?", did you? FRANCIE: We're almost done. WILL: Almost done? What's left to cover that we haven't already covered with corn? FRANCIE: I work with a professional party planner, this is what I do. So, what's going on with work? You always talk about work and you haven't even mentioned it today. WILL: You want the truth? (Francie turns.) WILL: I wasn't working on a S.A.T. story. When I bumped into you guys? There is no S.A.T. story. I was trying to track down a woman named Kate Jones. She was supposed to be seated next to Danny on a flight from Singapore to Hong Kong. FRANCIE: Oh, Will, you can't do this! WILL: What was Danny doing on a flight to Hong Kong, if Sydney was supposed to meet him in Singapore? Now, Kate Jones and Danny were the only two people to miss that flight. The ONLY two. I was at the medical school because I thought that maybe they'd have her name on file. Francie, there's too many things about Danny's death that don't make any sense. One of them is this woman. Now I looked up every Kate, Kathy, Katherine, Kathleen Jones in L.A. county, plus I have a contact at the airport who said that-- FRANCIE: Will, you can't do this. Nothing is going to bring Danny back. And when Sydney finds out what you've been up to, which you know she will... just think about that. [SCENE_BREAK] (C.I.A. safehouse. The real Schiller is being interrogated by Vaughn.) SCHILLER: I want to see Mr. Sloane. VAUGHN: Mr. Schiller, I've explained this. Sloane is not here. You tell us the password to the web site, and we will-- SCHILLER: I only talk to Sloane. That was the agreement. If you were who you say you are, you would know that. VAUGHN: Mr. Schiller, I swear to you. Sloane is a liar. He has nothing to do with the C.I.A. SCHILLER: So you say Sloane is a fraud? How do I know it's not you who is the fraud? VAUGHN: You don't... but you will. (He goes into the next room where Sydney, Weiss and a hacker have been watching.) VAUGHN: How fast can we get a plane to Langley? SYDNEY: Why? VAUGHN: He wants proof that we're C.I.A. and I don't think he's going to believe us unless we walk him in the front door. HACKER: Hey, Vaughn, we're in. SYDNEY: What's this? VAUGHN: This is the main reason we made the switch in Berlin. HACKER: We had Kelvin give Sloane access to a bogus web site with just enough real information about the vaccine to keep them occupied for months. SYDNEY: Is that really worth risking a man's life? WEISS: No, there's more. Once SD-6 downloads and runs the bogus program, it'll give us a back door into their computer systems. SYDNEY: In other words, we have access to their entire network, files, contacts, accounts? VAUGHN: This is a huge step in shutting down SD-6. SYDNEY: Nice. HACKER: It was Agent Vaughn's idea. VAUGHN: You look so surprised. SYDNEY: No, I... VAUGHN: Yes, it was my idea. SYDNEY: Amazing idea. VAUGHN: Thank you. I know. (Credit Dauphine. Kelvin, posing as Schiller, takes a drink of water. Sloane paces, observes. Marshall sits behind a computer.) MARSHALL: This is very exciting. SLOANE: Go tell Analysis. (He does.) SLOANE: It's good to finally meet you. KELVIN/SCHILLER: You see, the travles was not so easy, so forgive me for being so... SLOANE: No,no, no, not at all. So, we have two hundred thousand dollars in cash, waiting for you. KELVIN/SCHILLER: Thank you. SLOANE: You're welcome. It's yours, as soon as you tell us and we confirm, the location of the plant. KELVIN/SCHILLER: Plant? Which plant? SLOANE: Where the prototypes are being made. The vaccine inhaler. You do know the location of the plant? KELVIN/SCHILLER: You see, I didn't get the information about any prototypes. I was never privileged to such information. SLOANE: I have reason to believe you were. So, why don't you think about it? Why don't you think about everything? (He walks out.) (Outside the room, Dixon sits at a computer. Sloane approaches. Dixon turns.) DIXON: How's Schiller? SLOANE: I want to talk to you about your report. DIXON: Is something wrong? SLOANE: You wrote that Sydney changed the pick up from Einsetzung to the rear exit. DIXON: I met them on Koenig Strasse. SLOANE: Was this decided upon before the extraction? DIXON: During. SLOANE: Why? DIXON: She thought someone was following her. SLOANE: Did you see someone following her? DIXON: No, but I was outside the whole time. SLOANE: I see. DIXON: If Sydney said there was someone following her, there was someone following her. (The party. Sydney, dressed up as Alice in Wonderland, walks up to Francie -- dressed up as a cheerleader -- and Will -- dressed up as Richard Nixon -- who are dancing with a little boy.) SYDNEY: Hey, Kenny! (Doorbell rings. Sydney takes the pail of candy, and answers. Dixon, his wife Diane, and two kids in costumes stand there.) KIDS: Trick or treat! SYDNEY: Hey, guys! There's more candy in there. Come on in! DIANE: Good to see you. SYDNEY: Good to see you. DIXON: Syd, can I talk to you for a second? (They go in anothe room, close the door.) SYDNEY: What's up? DIXON: Syd, we've been working together a lot of years. I trust you. I trust you, and I love you. SYDNEY: I know. DIXON: So, if somethng's up, you'd tell me. SYDNEY: What are you talking about? DIXON: Sloane is asking about Berlin. He thinks someone might have gotten to Schiller. He thinks he might be a plant. He wanted to know why you had me change the pick up to Koenig Strasse. SYDNEY: I told you, I thought I was being followed. DIXON: Syd, is there something I should know? SYDNEY: No. (Dixon almost smiles in relief, and nods as if he knew Sydney wouldn't keep things from him.) DIXON: Listen, uh, Sloane says there's a prototype -- an inhaler for the vaccine. He wnats us to go get it, but Schiller won't give up the location, which makes no sense. That man should know where it is, and has everything to lose by not telling us. SYDNEY: What's going to happen to him? DIXON: Oh, I think Schiller is in trouble, but, Syd, I think you are, too. (At the food and drinks, Francie stands, alone. Looking sad. Will walks up to her and takes off his Nixon mask, takes a bowl of snacks.) WILL: Okay, now, here's my question. Who eats this crap? I mean, it's like Marzipan, but it's worse. If it's a question between this or, like, dirt, I would be all over the dirt. FRANCIE: Would you shut up about the candy corn? WILL: Okay. You're bummed the kid came, and Charlie didn't. FRANCIE: SHH! WILL: What? You gave me some advice, and I took it. Now it's my turn to give you some. FRANCIE: What advice did I give you? WILL: About the Kate Jones thing. I'm giving it up, you're right. It can only end badly. So, it's my turn to give you some. You love Charlie. You don't want to lose him, so don't be an idiot, okay? You got to talk to him, and don't deny it. Don't wait. Don't piss me off. That's exactly what I did when I first met Sydney, okay? So, use me as a cautionary tale and call Charlie. (He gives her the phone. She takes it, and kisses him on the cheek. His cell phone rings.) WILL: Yeah. Will Tippin. VOICE: Hi, this is Kate Jones. You called me? WILL: Yeah. Um, yeah. Did you know a guy named Daniel Hecht? VOICE: Yes... I did. Very well. (At the C.I.A. safehouse, Sydney bursts in the backroom. Weiss and Vaughn are there.) SYDNEY: You can't go to Langley! VAUGHN: What are you talking about? The plane leaves in an hour. SYDNEY: Kelvin could be dead by then. Sloane's looking for more than just the password. Information Schiller would have. I mean, this could be it. If this goes badly, they'll know I'm a double. VAUGHN: So, what the hell are we going to do? SYDNEY: That's why I came here. I need to talk to Schiller right now. (She enters the room. Schiller looks up.) (Outside, she walks up to a parked car where Mr. Bristow sits.) SYDNEY: I wouldn't have called unless I had no choice. MR. BRISTOW: It's all right. What is it? SYDNEY: There's a C.I.A. officer named Paul Kevlin-- MR. BRISTOW: Yes, I know about Berlin. Paul's a friend. SYDNEY: Then you should know his life's in danger. He's in custody, and Sloane wants intel Kevlin doesn't have. I have the information Kevlin needs, but I can't get it to him. Sloane's already too suspicious of me, but since he trusts you... MR. BRISTOW: Sloane put a call in to me. That must be why. SYDNEY: Why would he call you? (SD-6. Mr. Bristow walks to Sloane's office.) MR. BRISTOW: (voice over) He finds me useful in difficult situations. (He enters the office.) MR. BRISTOW: I'm surprised you're not home with Emily. SLOANE: I would be, but we have a problem. MR. BRISTOW: Oh? SLOANE: Schiller won't talk. I don't trust that man, so I want proof. MR. BRISTOW: Proof. SLOANE: That he's telling us everything. That he is who he says he is. MR. BRISTOW: I understand. (At the safehouse, Sydney and Schiller.) SYDNEY: Arvin Sloane is not affiliated with the United States government. He is just a man who used me... the same as he was going to use you. (Sloane watches via video, Jack enter the interrogation room and see his friend. Kelvin stands, looking at Jack in recognition. Jack punches him.) SYDNEY: He made me think I was giving myself to God and country, but it was all a lie... a lie that cost my fiance his life. If I go back to SD-6 without the location of that plant, they will take the life of another innocent man. (Interrogation room. Jack throws Paul up against the wall.) KEVLIN/SCHILLER: Uhhh! (Jack throws him against another wall.) MR. BRISTOW: I need to prove you're Schiller, and I'm SD-6. Paul, I have to hurt you. (At the safehouse.) SYDNEY: There's only one person who can stop that, and I'm talking to him right now. Mr. Schiller... please. SCHILLER: It's Badenweiler. The plant is in Badenweiler. (Mr. Bristow throws Kevlin/Schiller up on a table, twisting his arm back.) MR. BRISTOW: The plant is located in Badenweiler, near the Black Forest. (He breaks Kevlin's arm. Sound of a bone cracking.) KEVLIN/SCHILLER: AAAAH! Badenweiler! It's in Badenweiler! (SD-6. Meeting.) SYDNEY: (voice over) Sloane called us in this morning. Our mission is to go to Badenweiler tonight, steal the vaccine inhaler and blow up the plant. I don't know how much longer I can do this. Sit in these meetings with Sloane. Look at him as if I don't despise him, as if I don't want to leap across the table and use the skills I've learned, against him. So, what the hell do I do next? What's my counter mission? (Gas bar. Sydney climbs out. Next to her car is Vaughn, filling up his own car.) SYDNEY: He practically apologized. VAUGHN: Sloane did? SYDNEY: For thinking maybe I'd mailied him the wrong guy. Imagine that. VAUGHN: And your reward for a job well done is destroying the Badenweiler plant. SYDNEY: Sloane says Hensel's producing supplies for a Neo-Nazi terrorist faction. VAUGHN: That is such a load. Sloane wants the vaccine tech. SYDNEY: Why? He thinks he has the formula already. VAUGHN: It took Hensel five years to go form formula to prototype. Sloane wants to skip that step. SYDNEY: How's Kelvin? VAUGHN: Home with his family. Arm in a cast. He'll be fine. SYDNEY: What about Schiller? VAUGHN: On his way to the midwest somewhere with two hundred grand of Sloane's money in his pocket. Of all of us, I'd say he's the luckiest. SYDNEY: That's for sure. What's my counter? VAUGHN: All right. You'll break into the building as planned. Now, while Dixon sets the explosives, you'll retrieve the inhaler and rendez-vous with the C.I.A. team, which will already be inside the building. They will switch the inhaler. By this time, Dixon should have exited the building. You'll disable the explosive while the C.I.A. team searches the rest of the lab's main computer system. SYDNEY: So, what, you're just going to steal their files? VAUGHN: This isn't sanctioned research, and based on this vaccine, Langley wants to know what else Hensel's up to. SYDNEY: So, I get out with the switched inhalers. Dixon tries to blow the charge. VAUGHN: Nothing happens. SYDNEY: By this time, security's on their way and we can't get back in. VAUGHN: That's the plan. (Sydney appears to be deep in thought.) VAUGHN: You all right? SYDNEY: What do you know about case 332L? There's some missing pages in my father's personnel file, and references to case 332L. VAUGHN: And Agent Calder. SYDNEY: You read that, too. VAUGHN: Yeah. Actually, it sparked my curiousity, too. I went to Records to retrieve the case file, but it was missing. There's no record of it anywhere. There's one more thing. Calder wasn't C.I.A., he was F.B.I. SYDNEY: Why would the F.B.I. be working with my father? VAUGHN: They wouldn't. SYDNEY: Unless they suspected him of selling secrets. (Vaughn looks down, silently confirming.) (Newspaper. Will is on a landline phone in an office, packing his things, getting ready to leave.) WILL: Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know. I'm going to Hancock Park Home Association's meeting. No, no, after county records. Yeah. Wait, you know what? I'm on my cell. (fakes phone problems) I... an't... you're... aking... up... an't... ear... (He hangs up. His cell phone rings as he walks out of the office.) WILL: Yeah. Will Tippin. Hey, Scourza. What's up, man? Um, no, I didn't get a fax. (checks the fax machine) Are you sure it was Kate Jones? Yeah. Where was she headed? Sao Paulo? Her social security number, yeah, give me her social security number. (pause) What? (Badenweiler. Sydney and Dixon climb over a wall, jump down. They walk to the plant together, both dressed in black from head to toe. They lift the cover of an entry way.) DIXON: Let's go. (Sydney jumps, then Dixon jumps. They land in between walls, and walk in, crawling under. Sydney climbs up a ladder with Dixon behind. They're now inside the lab. They run across a hallway, inside the lab. Dixon crouches down, unzips his back and takes out the explosive. Sydney changes the wires around so that the alarm goes off.) SYDNEY: I'm going for the inhaler. DIXON: I'll see you outside in ten. (The alarms go off in the main room. People leave the room to find the problem. Sydney runs down a hall.) (At a restaurant, Will sits.) KATE JONES: Mr. Tippin? WILL: (looks up) Yes. KATE JONES: I'm Kate Jones. (Will shakes hands with the attractive, young, blonde woman.) (Sydney runs while the guards run to find the problem on the floor below her. She watches them leave, and looks. Dixon sets up the explosives in the lab. It starts to beep. Dixon leaves. He runs and climbs down the ladder, runs in between the walls, climbs out, successfully exiting the building. Sydney runs in the lab where the alarms are going off and where the people left from. She sees the cabinet full of inhalers. She opens the door and steals them all. She closes the door and runs out.) (At the restaurant.) WILL: Forgive me if I ask you anything that's too intrusive. That's just sort of my job. KATE JONES: It's okay. WILL: Can you start by telling me what your relationship was with Daniel Hecht? (She doesn't answer.) WILL: Miss Jones? KATE JONES: Danny and I were having an affair. (Will stares, shocked.) (Sydney runs down some stairs, where four C.I.A. men wait.) SYDNEY: Sorry I'm late. C.I.A. MAN: Not at all. Let's see what you got. (She gives them the inhalers.) C.I.A. MAN: These are 45s? (she nods) I need three of them. (The agent beside him hands them over.) C.I.A. MAN: So, you're Bristow. SYDNEY: Yeah. C.I.A. MAN: Vaughn's told me about you. He likes you. SYDNEY: Yeah? C.I.A. MAN: Respects you. (Sydney tries to stop herself from smiling. He gives her the inhalers.) SYDNEY: I've got a bomb to disengage. C.I.A. MAN: Yeah, please. We'd appreciate it. Be about ten more minutes. Good luck. SYDNEY: Thanks! (She runs back upstairs.) (The restaurant.) KATE JONES: I twisted my ankle, and went to university hospital. Danny treated me. And he asked me out. WILL: Danny asked you out. KATE JONES: Yeah. I knew that he had been seeing someone, but I wasn't really thinking so much about her. (Sydney scrambles her way to the bomb that Dixon just set up. Outside, Dixon waits nervously. He looks around, then at his watch.) DIXON: Syd, come on! (Inside, she successfully disengages the bomb and runs out. The C.I.A. men work in the computer lab, taking pictures.) (At the restaurant.) KATE JONES: We had talked about going to Hong Kong, but at the last minute, he just broke it off. That's all it was, really. I guess it was one of those relationships that just kind of happen, until they don't. WILL: (seething) I see. KATE JONES: Is there anything else that you want to know? WILL: Yeah, actually, there is one more thing. I have a contact who tracked your credit card from another one of your flights out of L.A.X. From that, they got your social security number. I did a trace on it. See, here's what doesn't make any sense, Kate Jones... you DIED in 1973. (She looks suddenly upset.) KATE JONES: I have to go. (She gets up and walks out.) WILL: Who are you? WHO THE HELL ARE YOU? (Outside the plant, Sydney runs up to Dixon in the bushes.) SYDNEY: Got them. DIXON: Is everyone out of the building? SYDNEY: We're good. (Dixon hits the detonator, but nothing happens. He tries again... nothing.) SYDNEY: Come on, we've got to go. (Dixon doesn't move.) SYDNEY: Dixon, we don't have time to go back. Dixon, what are you doing? (He takes out a second device from his bag.) DIXON: I brought a secondary detonator, in case there was a frequency jam like in Peru, remember? Did you get the inhalers? (Inside the plant...) C.I.A. MAN: You good to go? (Outside, Dixon hits the button, and the plant explodes. The C.I.A. men, the intel they found, the inhalers... are blown up. Sydney stares, horrified. Bits of the explosion hit them.) DIXON: All right, let's go. (He's casual about it, but Sydney stays.) DIXON: Sydney? We've got to run. Sydney! We've got to move! NOW! Sydney!

Sydney's secret double agent status is jeopardized after she smuggles a biotech engineer into SD-6 from her mission in Berlin. Will meets a woman named Kate Jones who confesses that she was having an affair with Danny shortly before his death. Vaughn informs Sydney that her father may be working for a third secret operative agency ( FBI ), as he begins to feel increasingly attracted to her. The CIA plants a computer worm into the mainframe of SD-6 in order to track all their progresses and obtain inside intelligence. Kevin Mitnick is a guest star of this episode.

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: The university cafeteria. Howard (on the phone): Yeah, I miss you, too, sweetie. Listen, I got to go, but I'll see you tonight? Okay. Bye-bye. Yeah, bye-bye. No, you hang up first. Hello? Raj: Dude, I'm glad you finally got a girlfriend, but do you have to do all that lovey-dovey stuff in front of those of us who don't? Sheldon: Actually, he might have to. There's an economic concept known as a positional good in which an object is only valued by the possessor because it's not possessed by others. The term was coined in 1976 by economist Fred Hirsch to replace the more colloquial, but less precise neener-neener. Howard: That's not true. My happiness is not dependent on my best friend being miserable and alone. Raj: Thank you. Howard: Although, I'd be lying if I said it wasn't a little bit of a perk. Leonard: Who's miserable and alone? Raj: Me. Leonard: Oh. I used to be like that. Then I got a girlfriend. Sheldon: In pre-1976 terms, neener-neener. Leonard: Hey, what are you and Bernadette doing for your first Valentine's Day? Howard: Yeah, I am pulling out all the stops. There's a $39.95 lover's special at P.F. Chang's. Egg rolls, dumplings, bottomless wok, and you get your picture taken on the big marble horse out front. Sheldon: Given that Saint Valentine was a third century Roman priest who was stoned and beheaded, wouldn't a more appropriate celebration of the evening be taking one's steady gal to witness a brutal murder? Howard: I understand your point, but given a choice, Jews always go with Chinese food. Raj: Well, if anyone's interested, I'll be spending this Valentine's Day the same way I spend every Valentine's Day. Buying a rotisserie chicken from the supermarket, taking it home, standing over the sink and eating it out of the package with my bare hands like an animal. Leonard: Okay, so to sum up: one giant marble horse, one asinine comment, one lonely man and his chicken. And let's see, who's left? Oh, that's right. My plans. Isn't anyone going to ask? Raj: Fine, tell us you're going to have s*x with Penny. Leonard: That's not what I was going to tell you. Raj: It's okay. I don't mind hearing about your s*x life. It's his that bugs me. Leonard: Guess who the university is sending to Switzerland to attend a conference and see the CERN supercollider on February 14? Sheldon: Professor Norton, although, God knows why. He hasn't published anything of note since he won that Nobel Prize. Leonard: Actually, Professor Norton can't make it. He threw his back out rock climbing. Howard: I heard he threw his back out climbing on his new girlfriend. Raj: The big-boobed weather girl on Channel 2? Howard: That's the one. Leonard: In any case, they're asking me to fill in for him. Sheldon: In Switzerland or with the big-boobed weather girl? Leonard: Switzerland. And I get to bring a guest! Howard: Oh, man! Raj: No way, dude! Sheldon: This is incredible! I'm so happy, I'm not even going to question their judgment in picking you. I'm just going to run home and start packing. Raj: Why wouldn't you take Penny? Leonard: I am taking Penny. Raj: Oh. Well, then I anticipate an awkward situation when you get home. Credits sequence. Scene: Sheldon's bedroom. Leonard: Sheldon, you got a minute? Sheldon: Of course, my good friend. Come in. Help me out, which ski hat says apr s supercollider? Leonard: Sheldon, I'm not taking you to Switzerland. Sheldon: Well, of course you are. Who else would you take? Leonard: Penny. Sheldon: What? That's absurd. Penny has no interest in subatomic particle research. Leonard: Yes, but it'll be Valentine's Day. We can go sightseeing and skiing and make love in front of a roaring fire in the shadow of the snowcapped Alps. Sheldon: But Penny has no interest in subatomic particle research. Leonard: I'm sorry, Sheldon. Sheldon: Sorry? I've been dreaming about going to the Large Hadron Collider since I was nine years old. Leonard: Yeah, well, I've been dreaming about spending Valentine's Day with a girl since I was six. Sheldon: Shame on you! That's no dream for a scientist! Scene: The apartment. Penny: Okay, what's the big surprise? Leonard: Just a minute. This tray contains clues as to what you and I are going to be doing on Valentine's Day. Penny: Oh. Wow. Okay. Let's see. We've got, uh, milk chocolate, Swiss cheese, fondue. My lactose-intolerant boyfriend is going to eat all this, then I'm going to climb on his back and rocket to the moon? Leonard: No. But it does involve air travel. Okay, um, let me slice this Swiss cheese with my Swiss army knife, and then you can wash it down with a cup of Swiss Miss instant cocoa. Penny: Okay, I'm starting to think Swiss is key here. Leonard: Uh-huh. Penny: We're going to Disneyland and ride the Matterhorn? Leonard: How does that involve air travel? Penny: We're going to Disney World and ride the Matterhorn? Leonard: No. Penny: Okay, sweetie, this started out fun, but I'm over it. Leonard: We're going to Switzerland to see the CERN supercollider! And ski. We'll also go skiing. Penny: We're going skiing in Switzerland?! Leonard: Well, you'll ski, I'll fall, but, yeah, we will be in Switzerland for Valentine's Day. Penny: Oh, my God, Leonard! That's incredible! Sheldon: Not so fast. You might want to hold off on lighting your rabeliechtli, Penny. Penny: My Rabe-what-ly? Sheldon: Rabeliechtli. It means turnip light and refers to a traditional lantern hand-carved from a root vegetable and used to celebrate certain Swiss festivals. Which you will not be celebrating because, A, these festivals occur in the fall, and B, you will not be going to Switzerland. Leonard: Sheldon, we've been through this. I'm taking Penny. Sheldon: Afraid not. Do you recognize this? Leonard: Not the roommate agreement. Sheldon: Indeed, the roommate agreement. I call your attention to the Friendship Rider in Appendix C, Future Commitments. Number 37, in the event one friend is ever invited to visit the Large Hadron Collider, now under construction in Switzerland, he shall invite the other friend to accompany him. Leonard: Oh, for God's sakes. Penny: You actually put that in an agreement? Leonard: Yeah. We also put in what happens if one of us wins a MacArthur Grant, or if one of us gets superpowers, or if one of us is bitten by a zombie. Sheldon: He can't kill me, even if I turn. Penny: Is there anything in there about if one of you gets a girlfriend? Sheldon: No, that seemed a little farfetched. Leonard: Sheldon, do you really expect to enforce this? Sheldon: I've lived up to all my commitments under the agreement. At least once a day I ask how you are, even though I simply don't care. I no longer stage spontaneous biohazard drills after 10 pm And I abandoned my goal to master Tuvan throat singing. Penny: Okay, I know I shouldn't ask, but what is...? Leonard: No. Sheldon (after demonstrating): I'd be much further along if I'd been allowed to practice. Leonard: Look, Sheldon, I know it's in the agreement, and if you turn into a zombie, I promise I will not kill you. In fact, I'll even let you eat my brains. But I am taking Penny to Switzerland. Sheldon: Is that your final decision? Leonard: It is. Sheldon: Very well. Penny: It's not over, is it? Leonard: What do you think? (The sound of Tuvan throat singing comes from Sheldon's bedroom.) Scene: Leonard's car. Leonard: Got a bit of traffic this morning, huh? Think it's gonna rain? Instead of underpants, I covered my crotch with potato salad this morning. Thoughts? Okay, I know what'll cheer you up, let's play one of your driving games. Sheldon: All right. This game is called Traitors. I will name three historical figures, you put them in order of the heinousness of their betrayal. Benedict Arnold, Judas, Dr. Leonard Hofstadter. Leonard: You really think I belong with Benedict Arnold and Judas? Sheldon: You're right. Judas had the decency to hang himself after what he did. Leonard: Come on, Sheldon. Can't you at least try to understand how much this means to me? Sheldon: Round two, Leonard Hofstadter, Darth Vader, Rupert Murdoch. Leonard: Rupert Murdoch? Sheldon: He owns Fox, and they cancelled Firefly. Hint, he and Darth Vader are tied for number 2. Scene: The university cafeteria. Howard: I'm sorry I couldn't hang with you last night. I had a date with Bernadette. Raj: I know. I saw the Tweet. Howard: So, what did you end up doing? Raj: Not much. Nuked a burrito. Prayed to the Hindu god Urvashi that your bowels would loosen and your pen1s would droop like a willow tree. Leonard: You seen Sheldon? Raj: No. Is he still mad about the supercollider? Leonard: Yeah. He thinks I betrayed him. I mean, come on, what would you guys do if you were me? Howard: I'd take Sheldon to Switzerland. Leonard: Seriously? Howard: Absolutely. And I'd leave him there. (Sheldon enters, puts a tray in front of Leonard, and exits.) Raj: What the hell is that? Leonard: Uh, let's see. Yup, 30 pieces of silverware. Scene: Leonard's bedroom. Sheldon: Morning, old chum. Leonard: What's going on? Sheldon: I've made you breakfast. Juice, coffee, and pancakes in the shape of some of your favorite fictional characters. See, here's Frodo. Leonard: You made Frodo pancakes? Sheldon: Yeah, I used coconut shavings to do the hair on his feet. If you need to void your bladder before eating, I can keep them warm with this beret that I thoroughly laundered and pressed into service as a pancake cosy. Leonard: Why are you doing this? Sheldon: It's by way of an apology for my recent behaviour. I've had some time to reflect and I've come to realize that friendship is not an aggregation of written agreements. It's a result of two people respecting and caring for each other. Butterscotch scone? Leonard: Thanks. It's good. Sheldon: What you're tasting is respect and affection. And about a pound of Crisco. After you've finished breakfast, I thought we could spend the day watching the final season of Babylon 5 with director commentary. Leonard: You hate Babylon 5. Sheldon: I do. It fails as drama, science fiction, and it's hopelessly derivative. But you like it, and you're my friend. Leonard: Okay, great. Still not taking you to Switzerland. Sheldon: Drat. No Frodo for you. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene: The laundry room. Sheldon: Hello. Penny: Hello. Sheldon: Alright, let's dispense with the friendly banter, I believe you know why I'm here. Penny: Well, I always figured it was to study us, discover our weaknesses, and report back to your alien overlords. Sheldon: Yes, amusing. Extraordinary intelligence might well appear extraterrestrial to you, but let me be more specific. I believe you know why I'm here in the laundry room. Penny: Better acoustics for your throat singing? Sheldon (trying it): It's actually not bad. But my true purpose in being here will be revealed in this brief PowerPoint presentation. Lights. Why Sheldon Cooper, PhD, should go to Switzerland to see the CERN supercollider. A PowerPoint presentation by Sheldon Cooper, PhD. Penny: Oh, for God's sakes. Sheldon: Here we have a highly gifted researcher in the field of particle physics whose work has brought him to the precipice of forever changing mankind's understanding of the universe. AKA me. And here we have a waitress brushing her teeth with her finger. AKA you. Penny: I'm sorry. Is this supposed to be buttering me up? Sheldon: Please hold all questions to the end of the presentation. This is the Large Hadron Collider at CERN in Switzerland, the product of decades of planning and construction. It is a Mecca for physicists the world over. This is Bath and Body Works on Colorado Boulevard. They sell scented soaps and lotions, some of which contain glitter. Now, let's see if we can match the individual to the appropriate destination. Penny: Okay, show's over. Sheldon: No, it's not. I've got five more slides. Penny: Sheldon, this is Leonard's decision. He invited me to Switzerland, and I intend to go. Sheldon: Very well. Enjoy yourself. You're going to be in the presence of something that I've dreamed of seeing for decades. I just hope you'll be able to appreciate the magnitude of where you are and what it represents. Penny: I'll talk to Leonard. Sheldon: You will? Penny: Yes. If it means that much to you, you should go. Sheldon (Hugging her): Oh, Penny, thank you! Penny: You're welcome. Sheldon: Since I rarely hug, I'm relying on your expertise regarding duration. Penny: I think we're there. Sheldon: Oh, good. Bye-bye. Scene: The apartment. Raj: You know what? Even though I don't have a girlfriend, I can still have a good time on Valentine's Day. Howard: Trust me, you can't. I've tried. Raj: No, no, no, I'm going to have a me day. First I'm going to go to one of those spas in Koreatown, take a steam and get a massage. Then I'm going to stop at a pet store and get licked by puppies. Leonard: Sheldon, I need to talk to you. Sheldon: All right, my friend. Would you like some cholermus? Leonard: Some what? Sheldon: Cholermus. It's a traditional Swiss breakfast dish. I'm preparing my gastrointestinal system for the exotic cuisine of Switzerland. Leonard: You're not going to Switzerland! Sheldon: Oh, but I am. Didn't Penny tell you the good news? Leonard: She told me that you went behind my back to guilt her into letting you go instead of her. Sheldon: Yes, that good news. Leonard: Well, forget it. I was the one who was invited, I get to decide who goes with me, and it's Penny, not you! Sheldon: Howard, could you lower the lights? I have a short PowerPoint presentation. Leonard: I don't need to see your presentation. This discussion is over! Sheldon: That's a somewhat ambiguous response. Am I going or not? Leonard: Sheldon, at this point, I would go by myself before I would take you. Sheldon: Really? Leonard: Yeah, really. Sheldon: Well then, you leave me no alternative. From this moment forward, we can be roommates, but we will no longer be friends. Leonard: I'm sorry you feel that way. Sheldon: I don't think you're fully aware of the ramifications here, Leonard. Leonard: Why don't you enlighten me? Sheldon: With the friendship clause of our roommate agreement nullified you are no longer entitled to accompany me to go swimming at Bill Gates' house should I be invited. Howard: Ooh, that's gotta sting. Scene: Penny's bedroom. Leonard: Just think, this time tomorrow we'll be in Geneva, Switzerland for our first Valentine's Day. Penny: I know! I went shopping today and bought special undies for the occasion. Leonard: Thermal? 'Cause it's gonna be cold. Penny: Think it through, Leonard. Leonard: Oh! Penny: Oh! Leonard (Penny sneezes): Gesundheit. Or as they say in Switzerland, gesundheit. You getting a cold? Penny: No, no, it's probably just allergies. Leonard: Do you want an allergy pill? 'Cause I have 'em all. Prescription, nonprescription, foreign, domestic, experimental. Penny: Do any of them work? Leonard: Not really, I'm just an enthusiast. (Time passes. Sound of Penny retching in the bathroom) Leonard: Penny? You okay? Penny: Did that sound okay to you? Do not come in here! Leonard: What's going on? Penny: I'm having a tea party. What do you think's going on? I think I might have the flu. Or the plague. Leonard: Well, our plane leaves at 9 a.m. Do you think you'll feel better by then? Penny: Yep. 'Cause I'm gonna be dead. Scene: Outside Sheldon's bedroom. Leonard: Hey, Sheldon? Listen, Penny is pretty sick and she's not going to be able to go to Switzerland. So if you're still interested, you're welcome to come. (Sound of Sheldon vomiting in the bathroom) Sheldon: Great. I'll start packing. In a minute. (Vomits again) Oh, look, it's the cholermus. Scene: The apartment. Penny: Here's your soup. Sheldon: Chicken? Penny: Yes. Sheldon: With the little stars? Penny: Yes. Sheldon: Heated to 180 degrees? Penny: Why don't I pour it in your lap, and you can tell me. Sheldon: You don't have to be mean. I'm sick. Penny: Yeah, well, I'm sick, too. Sheldon: Not my problem. I just don't understand how this happened to me. I'm scrupulous about my hygiene. I regularly disinfect my hands, and I avoid contact with other people on general principle. Penny: I don't know what to tell you, Sheldon. Sheldon (remembering the hug): It's you! I touched you! Penny: Happy Valentine's Day. Scene: A Swiss hotel room. Raj: Oh, my goodness, look at this room! Champagne! Roses! Oh, and little chocolates! This is going to be the best Valentine's Day ever. Leonard: Yeah, I forgot about all this. Raj: But I never will.

Sheldon feels betrayed when Leonard decides to take Penny, not Sheldon, with him to a conference in Switzerland, where they will also have the chance to visit the Large Hadron Collider. After failing to convince Leonard to change his mind, Sheldon tries to convince Penny to drop out, which leads Leonard to terminate his friendship with Sheldon. However, when Penny has caught the flu, Leonard changes his mind and allows Sheldon to go, only to find out he is sick as well, causing him to take Raj. It is later revealed that Sheldon caught it from Penny when he hugged her.

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LUCAS: (v.o) Previously on One Tree Hill. [INT. STUDIO - BACKSTAGE - DAY] (Haley, Chris and some guy who works on the show are talking.) BACKSTAGE GUY: Take off the wedding ring. HALEY: (Dumbfounded) What?(!) BACKSTAGE GUY: Let them think you're a couple. (Chris is obviously pleased.) HALEY: But we're not a couple(!) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. NATHAN'S APARTMENT - LIVING ROOM - DAY] (Nathan sits in front of the TV, watching Haley and Chris on it.) NICK ZANO: (On TV) You a couple in real life? HALEY: Um, actually- CHRIS: (Puts his arm around her shoulders and cuts her off.) -You know, the music never lies. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. TREE HILL HIGH SCHOOL - LOCKERS - DAY] (Peyton and Brooke stand next to Peyton's open locker. They have both had a hard time of it recently.) BROOKE: Somebody bashed in my car windshield last night. I mean, could things get any worse? (Peyton looks at her, shocked. She shuts her locker to show the word 'DYKE' sprayed across it in red.) PEYTON: (Pointing to it.) You wanna ask me that again? (Both girls look at it.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. THE CHURCH - BACKROOM - DAY] (Karen has just confronted Jules about the agreement she had with Dan.) JULES: I fell in love with Keith for real. KAREN: (Tears in her eyes.) I want him to know... who you really are. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. THE CHURCH - ALTAR - DAY] (Keith waits at the altar, with Lucas and Whitey, for Jules to come down so that they can get married.) ANDY: (Appears, looking helpless.) I'm sorry. She left. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. JULES' HOUSE - BEDROOM - BED] (The camera pans up to show Jules' wedding gown which she has taken off and put onto the bed.) KEITH: (v.o) Jules!? Jules?! (Camera pans up to show Keith standing there, looking at the gown.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. THE CHURCH - PARKING LOT - DAY] (Lucas looks angrily at Dan, his mother by his side.) DAN: I didn't do anything. LUCAS: (In his face, pointing.) You - sick - b*st*rd(!) KAREN: (Intervening) (To Dan) I found out about your arrangement and I went to Jules. (Lucas looks at her.) And I threatened to tell the truth. (Karen glares at Dan.) BROOKE: (v.o) My dad got that job- [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. THE CHURCH - SEATING AREA - EVENING] (Brooke and Lucas are sitting in the dining/seating area.) BROOKE: -In California(!) (Sadly) We're moving next week. LUCAS: (Holding her hand.) What're we gonna do? [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. SAWYER RESIDENCE - DRIVE - EVENING] (Peyton and Jake get out of her car. Jake is holding Jenny. They stop and look up, shocked.) BROOKE: (v.o) I don't wanna go. (Nikki walks forward, smirking.) PEYTON: (To herself.) Nikki. (Jake sighs.) (The camera zooms in on them before cutting back to a heavily smirking Nikki.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. THE BEACH - TREES - EVENING] (Nathan is standing in front of a bonfire that is destroying all of his memories of Haley. HiS mum walks up to him.) NATHAN: (Sighs) What're you doing here? DEB: (Holds out money to him.) Go get Haley. (Close up of the money.) She's your wife. (Nathan takes it.) (He walks away without a thank you.) FADE TO BLACK: END OF PREVIOUSLY ON: OPENING CREDITS ROLL: [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. SAWYER RESIDENCE - DRIVE - EVENING] (The camera pans down from the trees and stops at Jake and Peyton playing with Jenny.) LUCAS: (v.o) Charles Bukowski once wrote; 'There will always be something to ruin our lives. (Peyton stops and looks up as Nikki approaches.) LUCAS: (v.o) It all depends on what or which finds us first. (Nikki stops and continues to smirk as Jake and Peyton gape at her.) LUCAS: (v.o) You're always ripe and ready to be taken. NIKKI: Well, well, well. Isn't this the picture of a perfect family? (Jenny whines.) JAKE: What're you doing here, Nikki? NIKKI: Oh, you mean why am I not in Seattle? Right, some skank writes a random city on a napkin and I... catch the first flight out(!) No. We had a court hearing a few weeks ago and imagine my surprise when you didn't show up. (Off Jake's distressed face.) I guess you didn't have your mail forwarded to... 'Seattle'. So, since you didn't show, the judge granted me sole custody of my daughter, which, for the brunette impaired, means that Jenny comes home to mommy. (The camera focuses on Peyton, Jake and Jenny as they look at Nikki disbelievingly.) PEYTON: You're lying(!) NIKKI: (Laughs) It's cute, she talks for you. (Pause) (Walks forward.) But I have a feeling that a judge would have a problem awarding custody to a high school drop-out who kidnapped his baby anyway. JAKE: (Bounces Jenny lightly.) Well how do judges feel about women who abandon their children, huh? NIKKI: (Cockily) I don't know, there was no one in court to ask. (There's a pause as she smirks slowly.) So she's mine now. Hand her over. JAKE: Forget it(!) She'll never be yours. (Pause) You know, I don't even believe you, anyway. NIKKI: (Laughs and walks forward again.) Oh, you can not believe me all the way to jail if you want- (Peyton moves forward, in front of Jenny and Jake.) NIKKI: (Amused) -Oh, ho, ho, she fights for you too! (Sighs deeply and looks at Peyton.) Fine,... we'll let the police deal with it. (Looks past Peyton to Jenny.) See you soon bunny. JAKE: (To Jenny, while looking at Nikki.) Shush. (Nikki turns and walks away.) (Peyton doesn't know what to do as she fears that Jake will run again.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. DAVIS RESIDENCE - THE ROAD - EVENING] (Lucas drives up and stops the car outside of Brooke's house. She is sitting in the passenger seat, depressed. He stops the car and takes the keys out.) LUCAS: (Long pause.) Don't go. (He's not looking at her.) (Brooke looks at him. He looks at her and smiles.) LUCAS: I just needed to say it. (Pause) You have to stay(!) BROOKE: We're finally friends again and now I'm leaving. (She sighs sadly and looks at her red front door.) ...I really liked being the girl behind the red door. (She smiles sadly and looks back at Lucas. She smiles, close to tears, and gets out of the car, closing the door and walking away without looking back. Lucas looks away.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. TREE HILL (STOCK) - THE TRAFFIC LIGHTS - DAY] (Cars drive past.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. KEITH'S APARTMENT - LIVING ROOM - DAY] (There's a knock on the door and Karen stands to answer it. She's wrapped in a throw and doesn't look like she's slept. She yawns and opens the door to Lucas.) LUCAS: (Confused) Mom? (Looks around the apartment before entering.) What're you doing here? KAREN: I was waiting for Keith. (She shuts the door and turns to him.) LUCAS: (Defeated) He never came home? KAREN: Guess not. LUCAS: Yeah, he wasn't at Jules' apartment, either. KAREN: Any idea where else he might be? LUCAS: If I had two guesses, they'd both be at a bar getting drunk. KAREN: (Looks down and shakes her head.) Why didn't you just tell me what was going on? LUCAS: (Smiles simply) Coz I knew you'd tell Keith. (Karen stares at him.) You know, and I thought... moving with Dan... was the only way to... get him to leave Keith alone. KAREN: You should have told me. LUCAS: I'm sorry I hurt you. (Shakes his head.) You have no idea how hard this has been. KAREN: (Smiles tightly.) I have an idea. (Karen nods at him. Lucas laughs sadly.) KAREN: So how did you find out about Dan's arrangement with Jules? (Lucas scoffs.) KEITH: What arrangement with Jules? (Keith is suddenly standing in the doorway.) KAREN: (Shocked) Keith...(!) KEITH: (Bedraggled and unshaven.) What arrangement? (Lucas looks lost.) KAREN: (Defeated) Dan... paid Jules to be with you. KEITH: (Sighs) So, both of you knew about it... and you said nothing(!)? (Lucas looks down, not knowing what to say. Keith sighs again and turns to leave.) KAREN: (Rushing to him.) Keith, wait, wait, wait(!) (Sighs) (He turns back to her.) KAREN: Let's talk about this. KEITH: Everyone I thought I cared about... lied to me. What's there to talk about? (He turns and leaves.) (Karen stares sadly before sighing and turning back to Lucas. He shakes his head slightly.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. TAGARRO RESIDENCE - GARAGE - DAY] (Anna is holding a bundle of clothes as she walks into the garage, shutting the door behind her. She puts the clothes in a box labelled 'Goodwill'. She pulls out a top and looks at it before spotting another one. It's white and has patches of red paint on it. She looks and it, realising.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. TAGARRO RESIDENCE - FELIX'S BEDROOM - DAY] (Felix is looking into the mirror, messing around with his hair. Anna walks up behind him and he looks at her.) ANNA: I'm not gonna need a ride home after school. I'm going to dinner with Peyton. (Felix stops and looks at her.) FELIX: (Scoffs) How romantic. Velma picking you up in the 'Mystery Machine'? (Scoffs again.) ANNA: (Stiffly) She's not gay, Felix. FELIX: (Talking to her through the mirror.) Well, everyone at school thinks she is. ANNA: Yeah, because you painted 'DYKE' on her locker! (Throws the t-shirt at him.) (Felix picks it up and laughs while looking at it. He turns to Anna.) FELIX: It practically wrote itself. ANNA: That's not funny. FELIX: Look, whatever! She's always jealous of me hanging around Brooke and you know she has a crush on you. ANNA: (Shakes her head.) That's not true. FELIX: Why did we leave our last school, Anna? Because once the rumours started, we couldn't stop them. And no one cared if they weren't true. (Pause) You cried every day, remember? ANNA: Yes, Felix, I remember. FELIX: And I wasn't gonna let that happen again. I knew if I painted 'DYKE' on Peyton's locker, everyone would think she was gay. ANNA: (Angrily) THAT'S THE DUMBEST THING I'VE EVER HEARD! I WAS FRIENDS WITH HER! FELIX: Really? I haven't seen you guys hanging out as much since then. (Anna looks away.) FELIX: You see, Anna, (Walks forward.) you're so predictable. (He stops in front of her.) One well placed rumour... and you go running off, scared. (Smirks) besides,... (Gives the t-shirt back to her.) better her than you. (He walks off and Anna watches him, her eyes hardening.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. DAN SCOTT MOTORS - DAN'S OFFICE - DAY] (Dan is sitting behind his desk, sorting out papers and folders. He hands a folder over to a lackey and looks back down. Keith walks into the shop and up to Dan's office. He walks in and stops at Dan's desk.) DAN: (Sits back and looks at his brother, amused.) Little formal for work, don't you think? KEITH: Did you set me up? Huh? (Throws his arms up.) Jules, the wedding, was it just all a big lie?! DAN: (Standing) What?(!) Of course not. (Walks to him.) We're brothers, Keith, I would never do anything to hurt you. Especially with the woman you're gonna marry. (There's a pause as Dan can't hold it in anymore and smiles.) I'm sorry, I can't keep going, it's just too good. (Laughs) What can I say? Of course I set you up. KEITH: (Upset) How could you do that? DAN: Well, I just pictured you screwing my wife over and over again and then I thought about the heart attack it gave me and after that, it was easy. KEITH: (Sneering) Where is she? DAN: (Seriously) I honestly don't know. (Pause) Check in the yellow pages under 'W' for whore. Oh, wait; she's not that bright, you better check under 'H'. (Keith pauses for a second before lunging at Dan. They fall on his desk and then off it. Keith, on top, punches Dan twice before trying to strangle him. A couple of Dan's lackeys enter.) LACKEY 1: Hey, come on, Keith. Get off him. (They pull him off of Dan. He struggles with them.) LACKEY 2: Hey, calm down, man. KEITH: (Aggressively) Get off me! (Pushes them off.) (He sneers before walking out of the office.) DAN: By the way, you're fired, too! (Keith walks to a stand of car wheel rims and pulls one off. He turns and walks back to Dan's office.) DAN: Can you believe that guy? (Dusts himself off. He looks up and fear crosses his face.) (Keith lifts the rim and yells as he throws it through the office window. Dan turns and protects is face, arms over his head.) KEITH: Congratulations, Dan, (Holds his arms out.) I got nothing left to lose. (Smirks) But you do. Remember that. (Keith exits the office. Dan looks around, unsure and shaken.) FADE TO BLACK: COMMERCIAL SET: [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. TREE HILL HIGH SCHOOL - CORRIDOR - DAY] (Peyton and Brooke walk slowly to class, both visibly sad.) PEYTON: I can't believe this is almost our last time walking to class together. BROOKE: I can't believe I'm getting weepy about walking to class. PEYTON: Oh. (Hugs Brooke.) BROOKE: I feel like somebody needs to yell out 'Dead girl walking'(!) (Peyton laughs. A very frizzy haired guy with glasses looks at Brooke. She turns to him.) BROOKE: Ben geek staring(!) (Peyton laughs again.) BROOKE: God(!) PEYTON: I just, I can't imagine what it would be like to not have you to talk to every day. (Brooke frowns.) PEYTON: (Turning to her and pointing.) I'm gonna get you a web cam. That way it'll be like you're living with me. (She stops at her locker and opens it.) BROOKE: (Getting an idea.) Or,... (Peyton turns to her.) I could just live with you. PEYTON: You could. BROOKE: Yeah. PEYTON: You can. You spend most of your time at my house anyway. BROOKE: This is such a good idea, I'm so excited. I'm gonna find a phone and call my mom. PEYTON: Why not just use your cell? BROOKE: Uh,... my parents put me on that 'pay as you go' plan... (Peyton makes a knowing face and dumps a few books into her locker.) I haven't paid- PEYTON: (Hands her phone over.) Then go. (Brooke pauses.) GO! (Brooke takes the phone and bounces off. Peyton shuts her locker and locks it. Anna walks up to her.) ANNA: Hi. I have to tell you something. PEYTON: Alright, tell me on the way to class, I'm running late. (Takes Anna's arm and steers her down the corridor.) ANNA: It's gonna upset you. PEYTON: Well, that seems to be the trend this week. Are you leaving town or here to steal a baby? ANNA: (Pause) Felix is the one who spray painted your locker. (Peyton gapes and the bell rings. She takes a moment.) PEYTON: You know what, um, I'm not all that surprised. I thought I saw him goose-stepping down the hall. (Smiles) ANNA: I'm really sorry. PEYTON: Anna, you're not the one who owes me an apology. ANNA: Well, I wouldn't hold your breath. Felix isn't the remorseful type. PEYTON: He owes you an apology, too. You know, he might have... spray painted 'DYKE' on my locker but he was talking about you. (Pause) He might not know that but you do. ANNA: (Nods) I know. (She walks away.) (Peyton watches her.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. THE ROAD (STOCK) - NATHAN'S CAR - DAY] (It's raining. There's a bird's eyes view of Nathan's car as he drives past.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. NATHAN'S CAR - THE ROAD - DAY] (Nathan fiddles with the tape deck. The camera pans to him driving in the rain. He sighs. Camera cuts forward and we see his wedding ring.) FADE TO FLASHBACK: [INT. JAMES SCOTT APARTMENT - BATHROOM - DAY] (Haley is in the bathroom having a shower.) NATHAN: (Walking into the bathroom and up to the mirror.) Haley, come on already, we're gonna be late for our own wedding reception. HALEY: OK, just give me two more minutes. The shower massager has three speeds. NATHAN: Yeah, and you have one: slow. HALEY: (Laughs) Would you quit complaining. I need the extra time. Besides, people expect the bride to look beautiful. (Nathan stands in front of the mirror and messes with his hair.) NATHAN: Yeah? What about me? (Haley slides open the shower door.) HALEY: (Smiling) Don't be silly, no one would ever expect that of you. (Slides the door closed again.) NATHAN: (Laughing) Oh, OK. That does it. (He pulls his t-shirt off, sheds the rest of his clothes, and steps into the shower.) HALEY: (Giggling) Nathan(!) NATHAN: We're gonna be late, we're gonna have to do it together. (Haley laughs and kisses him.) FADE TO PRESENT: [INT. NATHAN'S CAR - THE ROAD - DAY] (The camera focuses on Nathan as he continues driving.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. THE ROAD - NATHAN'S CAR - DAY] (Nathan drives past the camera.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. TREE HILL HIGH SCHOOL - COURTYARD - DAY] (Brooke is on the phone to her mother, looking quite distressed.) BROOKE: Mom, I wanna stay with Peyton. I don't wanna leave school right now(!) (Brooke continues to talk in the background as Lucas sees Anna and walks up to her.) BROOKE: (o.s) Oh, that is ridiculous, you and dad are never even home. No, mom(!) (Lucas sits next to Anna.) BROOKE: (o.s) I spend all my time at Peyton's house anyway(!) LUCAS: You look about as happy as I do. (Anna smiles.) You OK? BROOKE: Come on(!) ANNA: Yeah, I'll be fine. I just,... have some things going on. (Lucas looks at Brooke.) Nothing I can't handle. (Anna turns to see what he's looking at.) BROOKE: (Still yelling into the phone.) Because it's totally unfair(!) (Anna turns to Lucas, smiling.) BROOKE: (o.s) Yes, it is(!) ANNA: Have you told her how you feel? (Brooke continues to yell in the background.) LUCAS: Nah, (Looks at her again.) anyway, she's moving. ANNA: (Shrugs) At least she'd know, that's something. LUCAS: You're encouraging me to hit on your brother's girlfriend? ANNA: Yeah, well, I like you better. (Lucas laughs.) LUCAS: I barely even knew her last year... and now I can't imagine life around here without her. (He shakes his head.) BROOKE: No, I hate you! (Hangs up the phone.) LUCAS: (Shrugging) She's so sweet(!) (Anna laughs.) (Peyton walks up to Brooke as Anna and Lucas watch them.) BROOKE: (Dejectedly) They said no. PEYTON: Why? BROOKE: Because this week they've decided to be parents. (Peyton grumbles. They walk together.) BROOKE: They said that since you have no adult supervision it would be the same as having me stay alone. PEYTON: Are you kidding?(!) Charlie Brown has more parental supervision than you. BROOKE: Yeah, well, they also... think... PEYTON: (Smiling) What? BROOKE: (Smirking and laughing as she faces her.) They think you're a bad influence on me. PEYTON: (Laughs) Unbelievable(!) Have your parents even met you? BROOKE: Only briefly. (Peyton groans.) BROOKE: I can't believe they won't let me stay with you. My mom is being such a major bi- (Brooke stops short when she sees Nikki.) BROOKE: -tch. NIKKI: (Smirking at them.) Well, if it isn't the other woman... and my favourite travel agent. Any other places you'd like to recommend? BROOKE: Yeah, far away from me(!) Unless you'd like you next period to come out of your nose. (Nikki looks away from Brooke and laughs.) NIKKI: So, I showed up at Jake's this morning with Tree Hill's finest and guess what, no Jake, no baby. (Her smile falls) Where the hell are they? BROOKE: Phoenix. PEYTON: Are you even sure Jenny's your daughter, coz,... (Turns to Brooke.) I mean, she doesn't look like a bitch. (Brooke shakes her head.) NIKKI: Well, we'll see who the bitch is once Jake spends some time in jail. PEYTON: (Smiles) It'll still be you. NIKKI: (Sighs) Look, I'm tired of these games. PEYTON: Then leave(!) You don't even care about Jenny, OK? You're just doing this to get back at Jake. NIKKI: (Walks forward.) You know, only someone without a mother could think that. (Peyton is about to retaliate but Brooke stops her.) BROOKE: You know, you'd better leave before Jenny knows what it feels like to be motherless. (Gasps) Oh, wait, she already does(!) (Glares Nikki down.) (Nikki pauses for a moment before walking between them and past.) NIKKI: (Turning back.) Tell Jake that the longer he hides, the worse it's gonna be for him. (Turns and flounces away.) (Peyton looks away, distressed.) BROOKE: Don't let her get to you, Peyton. No judge is gonna side with that psychopath over Jake. PEYTON: Looks like they already did. (Shakes her head defeatedly.) I don't even think Jake's going to court to challenge it. BROOKE: You think he's gonna run again? (Peyton nods.) PEYTON: He might. If he thinks that Jenny will wind up with Nikki. (Pause) Damn it(!) I hate Mondays. (Brooke puts her arms around Peyton's shoulders.) BROOKE: Come on. (They walk away.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. TREE HILL HIGH SCHOOL - PRINCIPLE TURNER'S OFFICE - DAY] (Felix enters Principle Turner's office.) FELIX: You wanted to see me? (Principle Turner looks at him. Felix stops short as he sees the t-shirt. The smile falls from his face.) PRINCIPLE TURNER: Mr Tagarro, close the door please. It's the one without 'DYKE' painted on it. (Felix scowls and looks away.) FADE TO BLACK: [SCENE_BREAK] COMMERCIAL SET: [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. NATHAN'S CAR - THE ROAD - DAY] (Nathan is still driving. It has stopped raining. He looks around and sees a sign saying 'Welcome to Atlanta'.) WHITE FLASHBACK TO: [INT. JAMES SCOTT APARTMENT - THE KITCHEN - DAY] (Haley is sitting on a stool, looking at a postcard of the same sign.) NATHAN: (o.s) Haley, what's wrong? (Nathan has just entered the apartment.) HALEY: (Lowers the postcard with a frown.) My parents. NATHAN: What happened, are they alright? HALEY: Yeah, they're fine. (Almost crying.) I'm just being stupid, I,... (Shakes her head.) when they were here, I spent all my time at Lucas' house or with you and now that they're gone, I just... wish I could see them again. NATHAN: Haley, (Taps the postcard.) they're in Georgia. I'd hardly say they're gone. HALEY: Well they're not here! (Pause) My house isn't even my house anymore. It's like my whole family just, like, packed up and left before my high school graduation. NATHAN: Not your whole family, Hales. You still have me. I'm not going anywhere. And your house is here too, it's just... smaller and a lot more... apartmenty. HALEY: (Laughs) Yeah. I know, I just... urgh, I don't mean to be such a baby about this. (Sniffs) I just really miss them. (Smiles sadly.) (Nathan stands and walks to the closet door. He opens it and pulls out a bag.) NATHAN: (Walking back to her.) Pack a bag. (Puts it on the counter.) We're going to Atlanta. (Smiles) HALEY: Uh,... yeah, right(!) NATHAN: I'm serious. HALEY: We can't do that, we're broke, and we have to go to school. NATHAN: I'm sure I can scrounge up enough money for gas and screw school(!) You're a year ahead of everybody and there's no way I'm gonna flunk; I married my tutor. HALEY: (Laughs) That's really sweet. It's not that big a deal. NATHAN: Hey, yes it is, alright? (She sighs and he puts his arms around her shoulders.) Now, listen, I may not always be able to give you everything but I can do this. (Pause. Haley smiles.) Come on; let's go see your family. (Haley smiles and looks up at him. He kisses her on the forehead.) HALEY: Thank you. You know, as long as I have you I have everything I want. But we're still going. (She grins and jumps off the stool, grabbing the bag as she goes. She disappears into the bedroom.) (Nathan turns to look at the kitchen, grinning.) END OF FLASHBACK: [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. NATHAN'S CAR - THE ROAD - DAY] (Nathan smiles slightly as he remembers.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. THE ROAD - NATHAN'S CAR - DAY] (The car drives past as Nathan continues on his way.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. TAGARRO RESIDENCE - FELIX'S BEDROOM - DAY] (Anna stomps after Felix.) ANNA: You brought it on yourself, Felix! FELIX: (Turning to her.) I can't believe you. DO YOU KNOW HOW BAD THIS IS?! Mom and dad are gonna have to buy the school a new wing to get me out of this! ANNA: You are missing the whole point! Everything is always about you. You never stop to think about other people! FELIX: And you do? Did you even consider what would happen to me when you turned me in? YOU TOTALLY SCREWED ME OVER WHEN I WAS THE ONLY ONE LOOKING OUT FOR YOU! ANNA: You were looking out for yourself(!) You couldn't handle anyone thinking that your sister was a lesbian(!) FELIX: Whatever. The whole thing would have blown over if you would have just kept your big mouth shut(!) (Waspishly) No one's gonna even care when they find out I did it. (Turns and walks away.) ANNA: Even Brooke? (Felix stops and turns to her. He knows that Brooke will. Anna glares for a beat before walking away. The camera zooms in on Felix's unsure face.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. THE STREETS - BROOKE'S CAR - DAY] (Brooke drives up in her formally silver, curiously blue, VW Beetle. She stops the car and gets out. She walks to the footpath leading up to her 'for sale' house. A girl is standing there.) BROOKE: Can I help you with something? CHARLOTTE: (Turns her head to Brooke.) Oh, hi. I'm Charlotte. My parents are (Points to Brooke's house.) looking at the house. It's cute, I guess, for the 'Sticks'. BROOKE: The 'Sticks'? CHARLOTTE: Oh, you live here, right. Must be a huge drag, like, what do you do for fun without cute boys or good parties? BROOKE: (Putting on a fake accent.) Well, well. We have a nightly banjo duel and then there's the cousins swap and on Friday nights we all take baths together. (Smirks at her.) CHARLOTTE: Oh, look, I'm really sorry. I-I didn't mean to insult you. I guess I'm just... bitter about this move. BROOKE: (Back to normal.) Yeah, I know the feeling. (Smiles) (Felix walks up to the pair.) FELIX: Hey, (They look at him.) CHARLOTTE: Hey(!) (Turns back to Brooke.) Maybe Tree Hill's not so bad after all. (Wiggles her eyebrows.) (Brooke glares at her again.) (Charlotte's parents exit the house and she waves goodbye to Brooke and Felix. Brooke watches her with a catty glare.) CHARLOTTE: Well, cya. FELIX: (To Brooke.) Who was that? BROOKE: (Pause) The new me. (She walks away. Felix looks at Charlotte who looks back for a beat.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. KAREN'S CAF - COUNTER - DAY] (Karen is spraying the plants on the counter with water. Lucas enters. Karen stops and looks at him.) LUCAS: (Smiling) Any word from Keith? KAREN: (Shakes her head.) No. LUCAS: (Sighs) Do you think he's gonna be OK? KAREN: Not for a while. LUCAS: (Sighs again.) Keith was right; (Shakes his head.) I should have told him. KAREN: You though you were looking out for him, Lucas. Your heart was in the right place. Yeah, it may take some time, but eventually, he'll understand that. (Lucas nods.) KAREN: (Resumes spraying the plants.) So, when're you moving home? (Lucas pauses, trying to put off the inevitable bad news.) LUCAS: (Straightens) ...I'm not. KAREN: (Looks at him.) Like hell you're not! What reason on Earth could you have for staying?! LUCAS: If Dan could do this to his own brother,... who knows what else he could be up to? (Karen frowns, wanting to argue.) Look, I'm his one weakness. I gotta stay(!) (Karen frowns, uncertain of where to look. She can't argue with it and Lucas knows it.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. NATHAN'S CAR - THE ROAD - DAY] (Nathan is still driving along, heading for Haley. There's a close-up of his phone as he flips it open and dials home. He holds the phone to his ear and hears his own voice as the answer phone message plays.) ANSWER PHONE NATHAN: (Through the phone.) Hi, you've reached the Scott's, um, my wife and I are, uh- ANSWER PHONE HALEY: (Through the phone. She cuts him off.) Your wife? What do you, like, own me now? (Nathan smiles as he listens.) ANSWER PHONE NATHAN: (Through the phone.) Yeah, I do. (Haley laughs.) (Nathan pulls the phone away from his ear.) FLASHBACK TO: [INT. JAMES SCOTT APARTMENT - BEDROOM - EVENING] (Nathan and Haley are sitting on the bed, recording the answer phone message.) HALEY: Hi, this is Nathan and Haley Scott, please leave a message... or... not. (Nathan frowns at her.) NATHAN: That's the worst thing I've ever heard. HALEY: (Gasps and turns the recorder off.) Shut up, it rhymed, I like it! NATHAN: (Presses a button.) Oops(!) ELECTRONIC VOICE: Message has been erased. HALEY: Oh fine, let's just do one together, OK? NATHAN: Wait a minute, isn't that something only really cheesy couples do? HALEY: (Completely leaning on him.) Yeah, well we are a really cheesy couple, Mister. NATHAN: (Nods) Good point. HALEY: OK. (Presses the record button.) Hi, you've reached Haley- NATHAN: -and Nathan, I live here too. HALEY: Yes, Nathan lives here too because we're married(!) NATHAN: And, uh, we can't get to the phone right now because we're, um... HALEY: We're having s*x? (Looks at Nathan.) I mean, just, we're having really- NATHAN: (Smirks) OK. (Lunges at her.) HALEY: -hot s*x. Oh(!) (Groans) (She laughs.) HALEY: Oh, we're still on. Uh, leave a message! NATHAN: And, uh, we'll get back to you when we're done(!) (Haley yells and they fall off the bed, laughing.) (The camera closes in on the answer phone.) END OF FLASHBACK: [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. NATHAN'S CAR - THE ROAD - DAY] (Nathan is still listening to the message. He smiles, looks at his phone and shuts it.) FADE TO BLACK: COMMERCIAL SET: [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. KAREN'S CAF (STOCK) - DAY] (Shot of the entrance to the caf as people and a car go past.) JAKE: (v.o) This is crazy. I don't- [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. KAREN'S CAF - COUNTER - DUSK] (Jake and Peyton are sitting at the counter. Peyton is bouncing Jenny on her leg.) JAKE: -wanna get anybody else in trouble. I should just go. (Peyton gapes at him.) ANDY: (o.s) Jake, you need to be smart about this, and running isn't smart. (Cut to Andy.) You need legal help. Settle it that way, especially if Nikki's already done that. (Cut to Karen and Lucas sitting at the other end of the counter, listening to Andy talk. Karen smiles at Jake.) JAKE: I can't afford a lawyer(!) ANDY: I can. (Nods) I got a great attorney. JAKE: I can't ask you to do that. ANDY: You're not, I'm offering. (Smiles) (Peyton looks at Jake hopefully.) JAKE: (Looks at Peyton before turning back to Andy.) Well, thanks(!) I mean,... I appreciate it but,... costs aside, there's no guarantee that I'll win. ANDY: It's true, (Takes out his phone and opens it.) but at least this way you get a chance. (Indicates the phone.) I'll make a call. JAKE: (To himself.) OK. PEYTON: (Beaming) So, that's great news(!) JAKE: (Unconvinced) (Looks down at Jenny.) Yeah. (Sighs) But if there's even a chance that Nikki could get custody of Jenny, I can't take it. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. KEITH'S APARTMENT - FRONT DOOR - EVENING] (Karen knocks on Keith's front door. Keith opens it slowly.) KAREN: Keith, I-I am so sorry(!) KEITH: (Looks down and nods.) Yeah, me too. (Starts to close the door.) KAREN: (Slams her hand against it, stopping him.) Wait, please! KEITH: (Sighs) Karen, haven't you already done enough? (Leaves the door open and walks away.) KAREN: I wanna help! (Walks in, trying desperately to make him understand. He keeps his back to her.) Look, I-I didn't know about Jules until right before the wedding... and the only reason I know anything is because I-I was worried about Lucas and... so Andy and I... hired a private investigator to look into Dan. (Keith shakes his head.) KAREN: I had... no idea that he was involved with Jules. KEITH: (Turns to her harshly.) Well it doesn't really matter anymore(!) Does it?! KAREN: Of course it does! (Keith looks down and Karen walks forward.) KAREN: If she truly loves you,... couldn't you still love her? KEITH: (Shakes his head and ponders.) I don't know. (Looks around and sighs.) I guess I'd at least... like a chance to... (Shrugs and shakes his head, pausing for a long while.) I guess I'd at least like to find out the truth. KAREN: (Looks heartened and holds out the folder to him. Keith frowns at it.) Her real name... is Emily Chambers. (He takes the folder.) KAREN: Everything in that file is... what the investigator found out about her. (Turns and walks away.) (Keith sighs and shakes his head.) KEITH: (To himself.) Emily. KAREN: (Turns back.) Dan,... is a monster. (Pause as Keith stares at her.) But he gave me Lucas... and, despite his worst intentions, I have the one person I love most in the world. (Pause) Maybe you can, too. (She exits. The camera zooms out to show Keith holding the folder to himself.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. SAWYER RESIDENCE - PEYTON'S BEDROOM - DAY] (Peyton sits by her window, looking out at the world in a depressed state of mind.) BROOKE: (o.s) You know, TV might be more entertaining. PEYTON: (Examining her hands.) There's nothing on TV I wanna see. (Cut to Brooke who is lying across Peyton's bed, propped up on one arm.) BROOKE: Talk to me. PEYTON: (Smiles sadly.) My whole world's being ripped away from me. So is Jake's... and yours... and (Laughs helplessly.) all I can do is sit here and watch it happen. BROOKE: (Sighs and ponders.) Tell you what, let's change that; I'll kill Nikki for you... (Peyton laughs.) no, really, at least that way... Jake would stay here, I'd be sent to a prison in North Carolina and be close to you and Felix could come and give me multiple conjugals. (Smirks) (Peyton worries and looks away.) BROOKE: That was a joke(!) PEYTON: Yeah, um,... Brooke, you know how they say 'misery loves company', um,... there's something I gotta tell you about Felix. (Peyton pauses and Brooke turns serious.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. TAGARRO RESIDENCE - FRONT DOOR - DAY] (Brooke bangs loudly on Felix's front door. She waits and Felix answers.) BROOKE: (Points and hisses.) We are finished(!) (Turns and hurries away, not wanting to hear him.) FELIX: Look, let me explain. BROOKE: No, (Turns and points at him again.) I CAN NOT BELIEVE YOU WOULD BE SUCH A HATEFUL SCUMBAG AS TO WRITE 'DYKE' ANYWHERE, LET ALONE ON MY BEST FRIENDS LOCKER! (Turns and rushes off again.) FELIX: Brooke, wait. (She laughs angrily.) BROOKE: (Whirls on him.) I am so glad I am moving, I had no idea I was a greying wizard's next door neighbour! And you actually had me starting to think you were a decent guy(!) (Walks away.) FELIX: Look, I was trying to protect my sister, Brooke(!) Look, I did it the night at the dance when-when Peyton and I argued and you dumped me(!) I wasn't thinking. BROOKE: (In his face.) Well, what a surprise(!) FELIX: Look, I was in a dark place and I took it out on Peyton, I'm sorry. BROOKE: Yeah, you're right, you are sorry. So WHY DON'T YOU CRAWL back into your dark little place and die there(!) (Glares harshly at him before turning and leaving him behind.) FELIX: Brooke? (She doesn't stop.) Brooke?! (Felix looks around but doesn't go after her.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. SCOTT RESIDENCE - KITCHEN - DUSK] (Dan is stamping his folders. Lucas comes up to the office. Dan turns and sees him.) DAN: Lucas, coming in to say goodbye? (Lucas leans on the doorframe.) LUCAS: Actually, I think I'm gonna stay. (Gesturing forward.) Well, at least for now? (Dan doesn't understand.) Look, as messed up as it was, you did keep your promise to leave Keith alone... so I need to keep mine. (Nods) And, well, (Pause) you're also paying for my HCM medicine and since I really don't wanna die anytime soon,... (Nods and shrugs.) I need it. DAN: What about your mom? LUCAS: (Smiles and sniffs.) Well, she's not... too happy with me right now. I think,... besides you, I'm... currently her least favourite person. (Nods) DAN: (Pleased) I'm sure that's not true. (Pause) But I'm thrilled to have you. LUCAS: (Nods and stands straight, obviously about to leave.) Thanks. (He turns and walks away. Dan turns back to look straight ahead.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. THE ROAD - NATHAN'S CAR - DUSK] (Nathan's car drive past.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. NATHAN'S CAR - THE ROAD - DUSK] (Nathan sits behind the wheel and thinks.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. DAVIS RESIDENCE - BROOKE'S BEDROOM - DUSK] (People carry Brooke's dollhouse out of her house. Lucas is sitting in the red convertible, watching the move. He drives off.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. NATHAN'S CAR - THE ROAD - DUSK] (Nathan fiddles with the tape deck, fixed from when he and Lucas last used it. He's smiling.) HALEY: (v.o) Nathan, I'm slipping, you're gonna drop me(!) NATHAN: (v.o) Drop you? If I wanted to, I could shoot you across this room like a three pointer. (Haley laughs.) NATHAN: (v.o) You want me to try? HALEY: (v.o) Don't you dare(!) FADE TO FLASHBACK OF: [INT. JAMES SCOTT APARTMENT - FRONT DOOR - DAY] (The door opens.) NATHAN: Well, we're gonna do this the right way. (Nathan enters, carrying Haley in.) Now, since I couldn't get the fancy honeymoon suite... HALEY: Um-hum. (She kicks the door closed.) NATHAN: ...I figured I could, you know, at least carry you across our one bedroomed threshold. (He sets her down and Haley gasps loudly. She stares at the apartment, speechless. There are candles everywhere, including in a parallel line that leads to the bedroom. White rose petals are strewn across the floor. She puts a hand to her heart.) HALEY: Oh my god! NATHAN: I wanted everything to be perfect. I know you didn't get your dream wedding, or your dream honeymoon- HALEY: -I got my dream guy. NATHAN: Well, yeah, you did get that. (Kisses her.) (She looks around the room again, in awe. She looks at the open bedroom door with a sign reading 'HONEYMOON SUITE: DO NOT DISTURB'.) HALEY: (Looks at Nathan and then walks forward.) Honeymoon suite, huh? (Prances forward.) NATHAN: (Sighs) Listen, we don't have to do anything, alright? It's not why I married you. HALEY: (Laughs) You gotta be kidding me. (She kisses him and drags him into the room by his tie.) NATHAN: Oh, what've I gotten myself into? (Haley laughs and slams the door shut. The sign falls off.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. THE WRECK CENTER - PARKING LOT - EVENING] (People are taking luggage out of a bus. Nathan walks past and stops to look at a sign that says: 'THE WRECK CENTER TOUR mark. GAVIN DEGRAW, THE WRECKERS, CHRIS KELLER & Haley James'. Nathan frowns at it before walking on. He stops in front of a person holding a clipboard.) NATHAN: I'm here for Haley Scott. GUY: Haley who? NATHAN: (Looks away for a beat before turning back.) Haley James. GUY: Are you on the list? NATHAN: (Sighs) I'm her husband. (He's frowning.) FADE TO BLACK: COMMERCIAL SET: [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. THE WRECK CENTER - BACKSTAGE - EVENING] (A guy walks past with a clipboard. Gavin DeGraw plays in the background. Nathan enters and walks forward, looking and feeling very out of place. He walks into the dressing room. He sighs and looks around it, touching the outfits and stopping in front of two mirrors, bordered with lights.) (He sits in Haley's chair and smiles as he sees their wedding picture stuck up on the mirror. The camera pans up to pictures of her and Chris.) HALEY: (o.s) Oh, that's great. Tell her I said 'hi'. (Laughs) OK. (She runs on-screen and stops, shocked, when she sees Nathan sitting there.) HALEY: (Whispering) Nathan, oh my god(!) What're you doing here?(!) (Nathan turns to look at her and stands. He walks to her.) (She smiles and guiltily pulls the fallen strap of her top up.) NATHAN: I wanted to see you. (Haley smiles.) I needed to see you, I- (Pause as he doesn't know what else to say.) HALEY: I'm so glad you did, (Hugs him.) I miss you. (Nathan hugs her.) NATHAN: Listen, I asked you to marry me because I wanna spend my life with you. I still want that. (He lets go of her and stands back.) I love you, Haley. HALEY: (With that horrible look in her eyes.) I love you too. NATHAN: So I came here for you and I'll be here for you no matter what. (Haley smiles and he rushes on quickly.) I'll go with you on the tour, I'll wait for you, whatever you want me to do. (Haley's smile falls and she nods.) NATHAN: I'm not giving up on us. (Pause) I'm not giving up on our marriage. (Haley closes her eyes, nodding, and laughs. She exhales forcefully.) HALEY: (Takes a step back.) I don't know what to say. (Pause as she looks at the mirror.) (Nathan turns to the mirror and looks at the pictures of Chris again.) HALEY: Oh, no-no, Chris and I aren't together, I promise you. It's never been about that. (Nathan takes her hand and sees that she isn't wearing her wedding ring. NATHAN: (Looks at her hand for a while before dropping it.) You're not wearing your ring. HALEY: (Looks down and then up again. That look in her eyes is more pronounced.) (Whispering) I love you. (Exhales) Oh, I do, (Pause) but I feel like... maybe we rushed things a little bit (Nathan looks away, he knows what she's gonna say.) maybe I... I rushed things a little bit. We're so young and I wasn't ready for all this. (Nathan doesn't know where to look or what to do.) HALEY: You and the music and,... now it's all happening at once and... it's really hard(!) (Nathan shakes his head.) HALEY: I don't know if I can be... who you need me to be. NATHAN: All I want you to be is my wife(!) (Pause) Is it too much to ask? (Haley tries to answer.) BACKSTAGE GUY: Haley! (She closes her eyes and turns to look at him.) We're ready. (Nathan struggles with his emotions as he looks back at Haley.) HALEY: (Shaking her head.) I have to go. (Nathan scoffs and looks away.) Um,... god, can you just wait here and I will... meet you after the show and then... we can talk and,... (Puts her hands to her head.) I-I-I don't even- (Nathan frowns at her sadly.) I'm really happy that you came. (She rushes to him.) HALEY: (Whispering) I love you. (Hugs him.) (Nathan inhales.) I love you. (Kisses his neck.) STAGE GUY: (o.s) Please welcome back, Haley James! (She lets go of Nathan and walks on-stage amidst cheers.) (Nathan watches her, his face set and restrained.) (Cut to Haley on stage, taking the guitar and looping the strap around her shoulders. She stands in front of the mic and looks back at Nathan. He doesn't smile.) (The spotlight hits her and the crowd cheers louder. Haley smiles and begins to play. Cut back to Nathan as he stands and contemplates.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. TAGARRO RESIDENCE - ANNA'S BEDROOM - EVENING] (Anna is sitting on her bed, typing away on her laptop. She looks up as Felix enters her bedroom.) FELIX: (Sourly) Mom and dad are sending me to military school. ANNA: At least there won't be any lesbians to scare you. FELIX: Yeah, well Brooke dumped me, too. (Walks forward a little.) You know,... no matter where we moved or how we fit in, you always had my back and I always had yours, always(!) (Pause) Now you turn your back on me coz I wrote 'DYKE' on some stupid chick's locker? ANNA: (Offended) She's not stupid. (Pause) Peyton has been more of a friend to me than you have... and she didn't do anything to deserve you tagging her locker! FELIX: Who cares? ANNA: (Getting off her bed.) I care(!) It's a hate crime! FELIX: It's just a word. ANNA: It's not just a word,... it's who I am(!) (Felix blinks repeatedly. There's a long pause.) ANNA: (Walking forward slowly.) Peyton isn't gay, Felix. I am. So you wanna spry paint 'DYKE' somewhere,... (Walks up to him.) do it on my walls! SPRAY IT ON ME! FELIX: (Uncomprehendingly) What're you talking about? ANNA: You know what I'm talking about(!) (Turns around.) The rumours,... they weren't rumours. They aren't. FELIX: Shut up, Anna(!) ANNA: (Whirls back around.) NO! I WON'T 'SHUT UP'! You think I've been running from this?! I haven't! I have been carrying it around! And if you think what you've been doing is protecting me, then you're wrong! You have been making me afraid to be who I am! Well I won't be afraid anymore. (Pause) Now you know the truth,... I'm gay. (Shot of Felix's distressed face. Anna walks forward purposefully.) So, do you still have my back? (Felix's gaze hardens and he turns around, walking out of Anna's room slowly.) (Cut to Anna who has tears in her eyes. She looks away sadly as the tears fall.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. STREETS - OUTSIDE LUCAS' HOUSE - EVENING] (Brooke and Lucas are walking together, slowly.) LUCAS: Sorry about you and Felix. BROOKE: (Not believing him.) Yeah(!) (Laughs lightly.) LUCAS: Are you OK? BROOKE: Yeah, it's just,... every time I see something in Tree Hill, it's probably the last time so I feel like I have to take mental pictures of everything, you know? (Lucas and Brooke walk up some steps.) LUCAS: Well,... make sure... you make me look good when you take my picture. (Brooke laughs.) BROOKE: So, what're you gonna miss most about me? LUCAS: I can only choose one thing? BROOKE: Yes, and it has to be something good; not... how much you'll miss hanging out with me or how hot I am(!) (They stop in front of a red door.) LUCAS: (Ponders) Hmm... neither one of those, huh? BROOKE: No. LUCAS: (Snaps his fingers.) Damn(!) (Pause) (Smiles) I miss the girl behind the red door. (Brooke smiles and tilts her head. Lucas points to the red door behind him. Brooke looks at it and them at him, confusedly.) LUCAS: Come on. (He opens his old bedroom door to show all of Brooke's belongings. Her dollhouse is the first thing seen. Her lamps, mirrors and everything from her old room is now in Lucas' old bedroom. Brooke looks around and gapes. Lucas shuts the door.) BROOKE: ...This is all my stuff, I don't understand. LUCAS: I,... (Nods) had my mom talk to your parents and they said that you could stay here till the summer. (Brooke gapes.) They didn't... want to, Brooke, but... my mom can be really convincing. BROOKE: ...You did this for me? LUCAS: (Takes a deep breath.) I wasn't ready to lose you yet. (Shrugs) (Brooke is touched and smiles at him.) LUCAS: So, you, gonna stay or what?(!) BROOKE: (Speechless) Yeah, of course(!) (She rushes forward and hugs him. Lucas smiles happily.) BROOKE: Oh,... I wasn't ready to be lost. Thank you. (Lucas closes his eyes and hugs her.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. SAWYER RESIDENCE - PEYTON'S BEDROOM - EVENING] (Close-up of a sketch that Peyton's doing. It is of her tear-filled eyes. In one eye there is a sketch of Jake and Jenny and in the other there is a sketch of Brooke. Peyton finishes sketching the eyelash. She stands up and sticks the picture up.) (Jake enters the room - with Jenny - slowly. He waits in the doorway. Peyton, hearing Jenny, looks at the doorway and spots them.) JAKE: So much for painting happy little trees, huh? (Peyton laughs sadly.) JAKE: I think you might wanna start locking your door if a man with a baby can take you by surprise. PEYTON: (Visibly sad.) Well,... if every surprise is this man with this baby, then... the door stays unlocked. (Nods once.) I was worried you skipped town again. JAKE: No, no, I'm gonna stay. (Pause) Look, I said when I came back in town, I wasn't gonna run anymore, I meant it. If Nikki's ready to fight for custody... then so am I. PEYTON: Well, what if she shows up tonight? JAKE: Well, lock the door, just in case. (Smiles) (Peyton smiles too.) JAKE: Look, Peyton. (Walks forward.) I know this is hard. I'm sorry you have to deal with this, it's just,... the last time I left town it was me and Jenny and now it's... me and Jenny and... you. (Jake looks at her for a reaction. There's a beat before Peyton sighs tearfully and hugs him.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. THE WRECK CENTER - BACKSTAGE - EVENING] (Haley finishes playing. She is seen through the opening in the dressing room curtains. HALEY: (Waving to the crowd.) You guys have been great. Chris Keller's up next. (The crowd cheers and Haley rushes off the stage. She takes the guitar off and runs to the back but stops when she sees that Nathan's gone. She stares at the empty room and her mirror with a sad and searching look.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. ROE RESIDENCE - BROOKE'S BEDROOM - EVENING] (Brooke closes the drawer and turns around. Karen walks into the bedroom carrying towels and smiling.) KAREN: Dinner's in ten minutes. BROOKE: (Self-consciously) OK. (Pause) Thank you, Karen. You know you saved my life, right? KAREN: (Seriously) Don't thank me yet, Brooke. Sit down. (They both sit. Brooke has a smile in place.) KAREN: Now, I know your parents are a lot more... hands off. BROOKE: (Nods knowingly) Yeah(!) KAREN: But I'm not gonna make it easy on you and sometimes you're not gonna like me for it. (Pause) When you're in my house, you live by my rules. (Brooke nods.) There will be no staying out all night. No boys sleeping over. N-no- (Brooke pulls Karen forward and hugs her.) KAREN: (Taken by surprise.) Oh(!) BROOKE: (Happily) It's just like having a real mom. (Karen smiles and hugs Brooke. They let go and Karen smiles and nods at Brooke. Brooke laughs.) KAREN: Alright(!) BROOKE: (Nods) OK. (Karen stands and walks out of the room, looking back once. Brooke smiles, pleased.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. KEITH'S APARTMENT - DRIVEWAY - EVENING] (Keith is packing the car as Lucas walks up to him.) LUCAS: Keith, are you leaving? (Keith looks down but doesn't say anything.) LUCAS: Look,... I know I made the wrong decision in not telling you about Jules and Dan... and I'm sorry. But you gotta know, Jules loves you. KEITH: (Scoffs and walks forward.) You mean Emily? You should have told me the truth, Luke. (Pause) I've always been honest with you. I just, it though... I thought we meant more to each other. (Off Lucas' hurt expression.) Maybe I was wrong. (Keith opens his car door and gets in.) LUCAS: Look, Keith, where're you going? KEITH: Don't know. LUCAS: You coming back? KEITH: (Scoffs) For the first time in my life,... I don't know if I have anything to come back for. (He looks at Lucas and starts the engine. Lucas can't stop him and Keith drives away. Lucas doesn't move or look back as he shakes his head slightly.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. TREE HILL HIGH SCHOOL - LOCKERS - EVENING] (Felix empties his locker and puts his things into his backpack. He slings it over his shoulder and takes his jacket out. He slams the locker shut, looks at it and walks down the corridor. He comes to a halt at Peyton's scrubbed-down locker and examines it before looking around and walking away. He exits the school.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. DAN SCOTT MOTORS - DAN'S OFFICE - EVENING] (Dan is standing on his desk and has his head stuck in the ceiling. He has removed one of the tiles and is messing around with something up there. Lucas watches him without Dan knowing it. With a curious look in his eyes, Lucas backs away, past the life-size cardboard cut-out of Dan.) (Dan jumps down from his desk and looks back up at the ceiling tiles before walking away.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. THE WRECK CENTER - DRESSING ROOM - DAY] (Haley puts her guitar case on her dresser and opens it. Her wedding ring is inside. She takes it out and looks at it.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. NATHAN'S CAR - THE ROAD - DAY] (Shot of a close-up of Nathan's hand with his ring clearly visible. He takes it off and brings it closer so that he can look at it.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. THE WRECK CENTER - DRESSING ROOM - DAY] (Haley looks at her ring in much the same way.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. NATHAN'S CAR - THE ROAD - DAY] (Nathan continues to look at the wedding ring.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. THE WRECK CENTER - DRESSING ROOM - DAY] (Haley puts the ring back inside the case.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. NATHAN'S CAR - THE ROAD - DAY] (Nathan puts his ring inside one of the compartments in the car.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. THE WRECK CENTER - DRESSING ROOM - DAY} (Haley puts her guitar into the case - most probably in top of the ring - and shuts it.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. NATHAN'S CAR - THE ROAD - DAY] (Close-up of Nathan's poker face.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. THE ROAD - NATHAN'S CAR - DAY] (Birds-eye view as Nathan's car drives beneath the camera and away.)

Keith gets violent with Dan after learning that he paid Jules to fall in love with Keith. Anna turns Felix in to the school authorities after learning that he was the one who vandalized Peyton's locker. Lucas and Brooke discuss Brooke's possible move. Meanwhile, Nathan visits Haley in the hope of bringing her home. Brooke decides to move in with Karen. This episode is named after a song by Nine Inch Nails .

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[Scene: Monica and Chandler's apartment, everyone except Ross is decorating the tree.] Chandler: Let me ask you, why is everybody using these tiny lights nowadays? I remember when people used to use big lights. Rachel: That's a good story, Grandpa. (Ross enters) Ross: Hey All: Hey Ross: Wow, Monica's letting other people help decorate her tree! Did someone get her drunk again or? Monica: Having a perfectly decorated tree is not what Christmas is about. It's about being with the people that you love. Phoebe: That is nice and we're done. TADA! (Her side of the tree looks a complete mess) Chandler: I dunno what it is, it just doesn't quite feel like Christmas to me. Monica: Oh, here. (She turns the tree around so that her side, which is perfectly decorated, is showing) Chandler: See now it feels like Christmas! Opening Credits [Scene: Central Perk, everyone except Phoebe and Joey are there.] Ross: ... and that's the story of the dreidle. Now, some people trace the Christmas tree back to the Egyptians, who used to bring green palm branches into their huts on the shortest day of the year, symbolising life's triumph over death. And that was like 4000 years ago. Rachel: So, pretty much around the same time that you started telling this story. (Joey enters) Joey: Hey you guys. Chandler: Hey Joe what's up? Joey: I had to get out of the apartment. Janine is like stretching all over the place. Y'know, everywhere I look she's like... (He imitates her stretching) Chandler: I can see why that's hard to resist. Joey: I like her so much! Monica: Aw, I'm sorry sweetie that she doesn't feel the same way. Joey: I know. And she's so sweet. I just wanna feed her grapes and brush her hair. Chandler: You are aware that she's not a monkey, right? Ross: I am so over Janine. I mean, yeah, at first I thought she was hot, but now she's like OLD NEWS! (Janine enters) Janine: Hey guys! Ross: Hi Janine! Janine: I just got a call to be a dancer on a television special for New Year's Eve. It's called some sort of Dick'n Rock'n Dickie Eve. Monica: Hold it! Are you talking about Dick Clark's New Year's Rocking Eve? Janine: Yeah, that's what I said. Monica: Oh my God! We love that show! I mean Ross and I have been watching it since I can remember! Chandler: Ah, you're still just a little fat girl inside aren't you? (He kisses her on the cheek) Janine: Well I'm gonna be on it this year. I'm gonna be one of the party people. Ross: You're gonna be a party person! Those guys rock the most! Janine: Well they said I should bring someone. (To Joey) Do you wanna be my dance partner? Joey: Totally! I would love to spend New Year's with you. Janine: Well actually they're taping tomorrow. I don't really understand why. Ross: Oh, well you see how it works is, the part with Dick Clark in Times Square is actually live, but they tape some of the party stuff ahead of time. Yeah, not a lot of people know that. Janine: Yeah well, do you guys wanna come too? Ross: Are you serious? Monica: We are there! (Rachel laughs) Chandler: What, what are you laughing at? Rachel: Well, I used to date him, but you're still going out with her! (Gunther brings Janine a coffee) Janine: Thanks. (To Monica and Ross) Great so we can all go together! I gotta run. Catch you later! (Janine leaves) All: Bye! Ross: Bye Janine! Joey: Did she just ask me out on a date? Chandler: I don't think so. Monica: What are you talking about? She just invited him to the biggest party of the millennium! Rachel: Yeah, but she also invited you and Ross. Yeah, honey, I'm sorry, but I don't think that was a romantic thing. Joey: Oh. Maybe. But hey I know how I can find out. We're going to a New Year's Eve party, right? So at midnight, I can kiss her. And if she kisses me back, great! Y'know? But if she says 'Dude, what the hell are you doing?' I can say 'It wasn't me, it was New Years!' Rachel: Well, that's a lot better than Ross trying to kiss me in High School, and saying that he did it because he needed chapstick. Ross: It was a dry day. Monica: We are going to Dick Clark's New Year's Rocking Eve! Ross: Oh my God! Monica: Oh my God! Chandler: (To Rachel) Oh my God! [Scene: The Set, Joey, Janine, Ross and Monica are walking in.] Joey: OK, listen I've been on sets before, so let me give you a little advice, alright? It's a show, but we're just dancing, OK? It's no big deal. The important thing to remember - stay cool. Ross: Got it! (They get to the main stage) Ross: Oh my God it's just like I dreamed it! Director: OK, everyone gather up. (Monica and Ross push to the front) Monica and Ross: 'Scuse us Director: Here's what's gonna happen. The music's gonna start, you're gonna dance, we're gonna tape, you don't look at the camera. Any questions? Ross: Yeah, I have a question. When is this gonna air? (He and Monica laugh) Director: Uh, yeah. Now you guys dance over there, you guys over there, and I want you two right around here, and everyone else spread out. Joey: Ross! So when is it gonna air? [Scene: Monica and Chandler's apartment, Chandler is there. Phoebe and Rachel enter.] Rachel: Okay, you look in the kitchen, I will look in the back closet. Chandler: I can save you time ladies, I'm right here. Phoebe: Yeah, Chandler why don't you take a walk? This doesn't concern you. Rachel: We are looking for our Christmas presents from Monica. Chandler: What? That's terrible! Phoebe: No-no, we do it every year! Chandler: Oh well, that makes it not terrible. Phoebe: No, yeah, we never find them! She's always best at us that wily minx. Rachel: Don't worry, we're just gonna search here for an hour, them we're gonna go over to Joey's and search, OK? Chandler: No not okay, you can't look for Monica's presents! Phoebe: But we have to! Chandler: No, you don't have to, and you can't because I live here too. Phoebe: Well then, you should look with us. Chandler: Why? Rachel: Chandler, aren't you worried about what to get Monica for Christmas? Chandler: No, I have a great idea for a present for her. Phoebe: Oh, that's it? (Mimics Chandler) A great idea! Rachel: Chandler, that's not enough. I mean what if she gets you a great present, two medium presents, and a bunch of little presents? And you've just gotten her one great present? I mean that's just gonna make her feel bad. Why would you do that to her Chandler? Why? Why? Chandler: If I help, we can find 'em faster! Rachel: That's right! (Phoebe looks under the couch) Phoebe: Ooh ooh, we have a live one! Rachel: Oh, it's a Macy's bag! (Phoebe tips it upside down, and a shoe falls out) Phoebe: Ooh, who's it for? Rachel: (Reading) Dear losers, do you really think I'd hide presents under the couch? P.S. Chandler, I knew they'd break you. Phoebe: Uh-oh. She may be onto us. Rachel: We are so gonna find them this year. Chandler: Y'know when you guys said you were gonna go across the hall and look, you don't, you don't do that every year do you? Rachel: Yeah. Chandler: You don't, like go into the back of my closet, and look under my gym bag or anything? Phoebe and Rachel: No, we never do that (They turn away.) Chandler: Because that's where Joey gave me some stuff to store that I've never seen before in my life! Okay, that did not just happen! (He does a weird clicky motion with his fingers, that kinda hard to describe.) [Scene: The Set, everyone is dancing.] Monica: Okay, here comes another camera. Ross: Right. No biggie. Stay loose. (As the camera passes by, they start to dance really rigid, but the camera is facing the other way.) Ross: Why do they keep doing that? Monica: If we wanna get on camera, I think we have to get up on one of those platforms. They've been taping those people up there all day. Ross: Right. (They move towards a platform, dancing really strangely as they go) Ross: Hey, what'd you guys do to get up on there? Girl: We learned how to dance. Monica: Oh yeah? Well when you learned how to dance did you forget how to put on underpants? Ross: Yeah! (Camera pans to Joey and Janine) Janine: Hey! You're a good dancer! Joey: Really? Janine: Yeah, well you'd be better if you just loosened your hips a little. Joey: What do you mean? Janine: Like this. (She pulls Joey towards her and dances really close to him.) Janine: That's it, feel the rhythm. That's better. Joey: Uh-huh. Director: (To Joey) Okay, you're dancing with that girl over there. Joey: No-no-no-no-no we came together! Director: I don't see it. (To Janine) You are dancing with the tall guy over there. Tall guy, raise your hand! (He does. Janine goes over to him.) Joey: No-no hey buddy, please let me dance with that girl, I really like her and I think I have a shot. Director: Really, y'think so? I don't.. (He leaves, and this girl grabs Joey and starts dancing really wild.) [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Monica and Chandler's apartment, Phoebe and Rachel are there and Chandler enters.] Chandler: I couldn't find anything at Joey--Hey-hey, oh hey! Rachel: Yeah, we found them. There were in the guest room closet behind some coats. Phoebe: Yeah, and you have nothing to worry about 'cos they're all crap! Chandler: Those are my gifts, I got them for you. Phoebe: Ohhh. Thanks Chandler they're great! Rachel: Well Chandler, what is this very weird, metal A Z thing? Chandler: Those are book ends! That's a great gift! Phoebe: Oh, okay, I'm sorry, thank you for my azzz. Rachel: Ha! Chandler: Make sure you put all that stuff back in the closet, okay? Rachel: Yes, okay, oh, by the way, I just gotta say, I think it's really nice of you that even after you've moved, you still keep storing that stuff for Joey! (Chandler does the weird clicky thing again.) [Scene: The Set, the girl is still dancing with Joey.] Joey: Hey-hey dancer girl! Can I go to the bathroom? I just.. (The girl starts dancing really close to him, so he picks her up, twirls her round, and puts her against a platform) Here we go. (He walks away to find Monica and Ross doing a really out of place dance) Looking good Gellers! Ross: We know! Monica: Hey, see that snippy guy over there? He's the one who decides who gets up on the platform. We should go dance by him. Ross: Okay. (They dance over to him.) Director: Okay, everybody hold! (Ross and Monica high-five) Director: Next on the platforms are... (He points to the right of Ross and Monica, so they dance over to where he's pointing to. He points away from them) ...you two! And... (He points the other way, and Ross and Monica follow his arm. Again he points away.) ...You two! Monica: Excuse me, sir, would it help if I weren't wearing underpants? Ross: Monica! (Pause) Would it? (The director shakes his head.) [Scene: The Men's Bathroom, the tall guy is there as Joey enters.] Joey: Hey! Tall guy! Hey, listen, I wanted to talk to you about that girl that you're dancing with. Tall Guy: She's nice, huh? To think I almost brought my wife to this! Joey: Yeah, yeah, okay. Uh, look buddy, I came with that girl, and I had this plan to kiss her at the new years countdown - I'm trying to win her over, so I was wondering if.. Tall Guy: No I don't think so. Joey: Oh come on man, you can dance with my partner, she's real, uh, mellow! Tall Guy: Look, are you dating this girl you came with? Joey: Well, I was hoping after tonight that maybe I could you know... Tall Guy: No, no. She's fair game if you ask me, sorry buddy! Joey: Alright, alright, hey y'know fair is fair, (he pretends to wash his hands) if you're right, you're right, what can I say, but hey oh no! (He throws water on the guy's pants) Tall Guy: God! What are you, in second grade? Joey: Hey, now you're the one who wet his pants. (He throws another handful on him and runs out) [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: The Set, Monica and Ross are dancing.] Monica: Man, this sucks! Y'know if Mom and Dad don't see us on TV after we made them so jealous, I mean, who's gonna be the losers then? Ross: Hey, I know what'll get us up on a platform! Monica: What? Ross: The routine! Monica: Ross, we haven't done the routine since middle school. Ross: Hey, when the snippy guy sees the routine, he'll wanna build us our own platform! Monica: Was it really that good? Ross: We got honourable mention in the brother/sister dance category! Look, it's almost fake midnight, do we really have any other choice? Monica: Okay, let's do it. Mom and Dad are gonna be so faced! (They move into a space, and Ross points to his eyes and then to hers) Monica: 5 6 7 8! (They start the routine. However hard I try, I really cannot describe it. You will have to watch it. I'm sorry.) (When they finish, they walk over to the director) Ross: So, do we really have to ask who's going up on the platform next? Director: Oh no! You get up there and do that again exactly like that! Monica: Yes! (They run over to a platform) Director: (To Cameraman) Make sure you get this, they're gonna want it for the bloopers show. (To everyone) Alright cut! Listen up everyone, when we start again it's gonna be the countdown to new years, so I wanna see everybody's excitement. [Cut to Joey and Janine] Tall Guy: Hey, pal, you have about three seconds to get away from my partner. Director: What's going on over here? Joey: Uh, take a look at the guy's pants! I mean, I know you told us to show excitement, but don't you think he went a little overboard? Director: What's the matter with you? Get out of here! Joey: Yeah, take a hike wetpants! (The director pushes the Tall Guy away) [Cut to Ross and Monica, who are finally on a platform!] Ross: Can you believe this? We're gonna be on the platform for the Millennium moment! Monica: I know! Hey, you haven't been practising the routine, have you? Ross: No! Monica: Me too! Ross: Hey, when the music starts up again, I was thinking of maybe goind into the robot, y'know? (He mimics a robot) Monica: Ross, I think we should stick to the routine, we don't wanna look stupid! Director: Alright we're back! Ten seconds left here we go! Ten! Nine! Eight! Seven! (He continues to count as we hear Joey think) Joey's Head: Okay, it all comes down to this. Whatever happens, happens. Destiny. All: Three, Two, One! Director: Cut! Joey: No! Year! Happy No Year! Director: Okay, here's where we go to the live shot of Times Square, nice work everyone that's a wrap! [Scene: Monica and Chandler's apartment, Chandler and Rachel are there, and Phoebe enters with the Chick and the Duck.] Phoebe: Hey! Look who I found! Chandler: Oh, hey guys! Phoebe: Y'know, birds have a very good sense of direction, and I thought maybe they could help us find where the presents are hidden. Chandler: Yes, if the presents are hidden south for the winter. Phoebe: Or we could just follow your clever jokes - any ideas? No! Didn't think so! Okay, c'mon guys, show us where the presents are! Chandler: Oh, the duck seems to think that Monica got me garbage! Hmm, I wonder what I could get Monica that's as good as garbage? Phoebe: Hmm, how about my azzz? (Rachel sits on the window seat, and knocks against it) Rachel: Hey, this is hollow. Phoebe: What? Rachel: This bench, it's hollow! I can't believe I never knew that! (She pushes all the pillows off it and opens it up) Oh, the presents!!! Phoebe: No, don't look directly at them! Chandler: What? Phoebe: Alright, no, we could look at them! Rachel: Oh, this one's for me! Phoebe: Oh, this one's for Chandler. Here. Chandler: Oh great! Phoebe: And the big one's for me! Rachel: Ooh, let's open them! Chandler: Okay! Okay! Okay! Phoebe: Hee hee! Chandler: Wait, we can't do this. Phoebe and Rachel: Why? Chandler: I don't wanna know what Monica got me. Y'know? I mean, look, I'm sure she worked really hard at getting you a present, and wanting to surprise me, and you guys are gonna ruin that, and I, look we have to put these back, this is not what Christmas is about. Rachel: Whatever Linus, I'm opening mine. Chandler: Nobody is opening anything ok? Look, I don't know about you guys, but I wanna see the look on Monica's face when I give her my present, and I'm sure she wants to see the look on my face when I get mine. So please, please, can we just, can we put them back? Phoebe: Will you get us better gifts? Chandler: Fine! (Monica enters, and they throw the gifts behind them.) Monica: Hey guys! You found the presents? Chandler, you let them find the presents? Great! Do you know how long it took me to find you that water purifier? Chandler: That's what you got me? Phoebe: Oh yes, I see what you mean. That look is priceless. (Rachel leans over to look at him.) [Scene: Joey and Janine's apartment, they both enter.] Joey: Home sweet home, huh? Nice to, uh, get back to reality. Plus we know how the New Year's gonna go off. I guess there's no reason for all that Y2K panic, y'know? Anyway, g'night! Janine: Joey. Joey: Yeah? Janine: (She takes his hands) 3, 2, 1. (She kisses him) Happy New Year. Joey: Oh, yoii. What was that for? Janine: Well, I don't know tonight when they yelled cut and we didn't get to kiss, I was really, really, disappointed, and I just, really wanted to kiss you Joey: Really? In the moment, I really wanted to kiss you too. In the moment. Janine: In the moment, yeah. Joey: But only in the moment. So do ya wanna kiss again? Janine: Sure, New Year's Eve is only two weeks away. Can you wait? Joey: No. Janine: Me neither. Joey: 3, 2, Janine: Joey, you don't have to count down every time we kiss. Joey: Uh, yeah, okay. Except I sorta felt like I needed a couple of seconds to get ready. (They kiss to the music of Auld Lang Syne) Ending Credits [Scene: Monica and Chandler's apartment, everyone except Joey is there.] Monica: We were on the platform, ready to dance the world into the new Millennium, and the guy yelled 'CUT!' Rachel: Uh, wait, so you guys are telling me you actually did the routine from eighth grade? Monica: Yeah. But of course we had to update it a little bit. (To Ross) Hey, by the way, great thinking about catching me! Rachel: 'Cos I was gonna say there's no way you could've done the end the way you guys did it back then! Monica: What? We could do it! Ross: I don't know, I mean you were a lot bigger, I mean, stronger back then. Monica: I can do it, okay? Come on, let's go. (She and Ross get up) Monica and Ross: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8 (Ross runs to be caught by Monica, but she moves out of the way) Monica: I can't do it! (Ross falls into Monica's room) Chandler: Now you do that, you're on TV.

Janine is appearing in the pre-recorded Dick Clark's New Year's Rockin' Eve , and invites Joey, Ross, and Monica to participate in the dancing. While there, Joey wants to ensure a kiss with Janine at midnight, while Monica and Ross wrangle their way onto camera by doing "The Routine", their old high school dance. Meanwhile, Phoebe, Chandler, and Rachel search for Monica's Christmas presents so they can buy her something suitable in return.

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1.10 - Forgiveness and Stuff CUT TO MISS PATTY'S STUDIO MISS PATTY: People please pay attention. Now, I want my before Mary over here, and my after Mary over here. Wise men, shepherd line up for the processional. I only have half a donkey? I need the rest of the donkey! [Kirk standing on stool while Lorelai hemming] KIRK: Ow! LORELAI: Hold still Kirk. KIRK: You stuck me. LORELAI: I did not stick you. KIRK: You did to. LORELAI: Ok, be quiet now. [looks at Rory] RORY: Um, Taylor, the baby Jesus is missing an arm again. TAYLOR: What? RORY: I was just getting it out of the trunk and - TAYLOR: Let me see that. Oh for Pete's sake! [to everyone] Ok listen up! The arm is missing! I repeat the arm is missing! RORY: Maybe it's just time to get a new baby Jesus, you know, one that's a boy. TAYLOR: It's a doll, no one can tell. RORY: Well it has a bow. TAYLOR: This has been the baby Jesus in every Christmas pageant since 1965. Were you here in 1965? RORY: No I wasn't. TAYLOR: Find the arm [Rory looks at Lorelai] LORELAI: What are you doing? KIRK: Nothing. LORELAI: You're flinching. KIRK: You stuck me once. There's nothing to say you won't do it again. LORELAI: Ok you know what? You're done. TAYLOR: Well? RORY: I swear, I've looked twice. TAYLOR: Look again. MISS PATTY: Taylor come quickly. Our before' Mary is about to become an after'. Who else in town is knocked up? [Lorelai and Rory look at each other awkwardly then look away. Pan to them leaving] LORELAI: Find the arm? RORY: Nope. LORELAI: [sourly]It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas. [pan to dog with doll arm in mouth] CUT TO RORY STANDING IN A GAZEBO [Lane runs up to her] LANE: Hey, I thought we were meeting at Luke's. RORY: We were? Oh my God, I'm so sorry. I forgot. LANE: Let me guess. You and Lorelai haven't made up yet? RORY: Nope. Things are still Miracle Worker at my house. God, how did everything get so screwed up? LANE: I think you staying out all night with Dean had something to do with it. RORY: And my grandmother being there to witness it didn't help. LANE: Never does. RORY: It sucks. Things were good. School was good, Dean was good. Now my mother and I are barely speaking. Mom and Grandma are barely speaking. Dean's new name is Narcolepsy boy'. LANE: How's he taking it? RORY: I don't know. I haven't talked to him since it happened. LANE: That was four days ago. RORY: I know. LANE: Has he called? RORY: I told him not to. LANE: And he listened? RORY: No. LANE: Good boy. RORY: Ok, I really need to talk about something else now. LANE: You went shopping. RORY: Yes I did. I got a mow-ing cow shaped timer for Sookie, some cardio-salsa tapes for Michel, a book for Dean - LANE: You got Dean a book? RORY: Yeah. Metamorphosis'. LANE: Metamorphosis.' RORY: It's Kafta. LANE: Very romantic. RORY: I think it is romantic. LANE: I know I've always dreamed that some day a guy would get me a really confusing Czechoslovakian novel. RORY: I think he'll appreciate it. LANE: A book sends the wrong message. RORY: What are you talking about? LANE: You have to look at what a gift says to the other person, not to you. Remember two years ago, I got my mom that perfume? RORY: Yeah. LANE: Ok, to me that said, Hey mom, you work hard, you deserve something fancy'. Now to my mother, it said Hey mom, here's some smelly s*x juice, the kind I use to lure boys with' and resulted in me being sent to Bible camp all summer. RORY: Yeah but - LANE: Just imaging that you actually gave Dean something really romantic, and he gave you a football. Your hypothetical romantic present is saying that you really, really like him. And his present is saying Hey man, let's just be friends'. RORY: And you're saying that this book is - LORELAI: Is a Czechoslovakian football, yes. RORY: So then what do I get him? LANE: What you should do is find out what he's getting you and gauge your gift accordingly. RORY: But doesn't that kinda take the fun out of it? LANE: Gift giving is serious business. If you don't believe me try spending a month at Korean Bible camp. CUT TO INN MICHEL: Yes right there. Now flip the elf and the fairy. GUY: Which one is the fairy? MICHEL: The one with the wand [Guy goes for one] What are you doing? GUY: Isn't this a wand? MICHEL: No, that is a staff. GUY: So this isn't a fairy? MICHEL: That is Little Bo Peep. GUY: And you don't want to move her. MICHEL: I would prefer that you didn't. GUY: Ok, so we're still looking for a fairy. MICHEL: The search continues. GUY: No chance you're going to help me. MICHEL: None whatsoever. [phone rings] LORELAI: Independence Inn, Lorelai speaking. EMILY: Lorelai. LORELAI: Mom, hello. EMILY: I wanted to talk to you about the Christmas dinner this Friday. LORELAI: Ah, Christmas dinner. EMILY: You forgot. LORELAI: Well mom, there's been a lot going on around here lately, your Christmas shindig's not exactly high on my list of things to obsess about. EMILY: Well I'm sorry if the timing is bad Lorelai, but the world doesn't always revolve around you. LORELAI: Well thanks for the tip. EMILY: Cocktails are at 6, dinner's at 8. LORELAI: I probably won't be there for cocktails. EMILY: Why not? LORELAI: Because I have to work. EMILY: You can't leave work early? LORELAI: No I can't. EMILY: Why not? LORELAI: Because it's not in my job description. EMILY: Well then don't come. LORELAI: What? EMILY: Don't come. It's obviously an enormous burden for you. LORELAI: Yeah but - EMILY: Just send Rory. LORELAI: You're telling me not to come to the Christmas party? EMILY: Well you're obviously too busy. LORELAI: I had the German measles in the 5th grade, I still had to show up to the Christmas party. EMILY: Lorelai let's be honest here, I'm not too happy with you right now and I assume you're not too happy with me. LORELAI: My polka dot dress matched my face and still I had to sit through 12 courses. EMILY: I am tired of forcing you to do all those terrible things that infringe upon your life and I do not have the energy to pretend that the way you treated my the other day was in any way acceptable. LORELAI: So you're uninviting me to Christmas dinner? EMILY: Yes I am. LORELAI: Fine. EMILY: Fine. LORELAI: Ok, anything else? EMILY: I believe that's all. LORELAI: Ok well, great mom, it's been swell talking to you. EMILY: Bye Lorelai. LORELAI: Bye. [Pan to Michel and guy] GUY: This one? MICHEL: No. GUY: This one? MICHEL: No. GUY: This - MICHEL: No. [guy points] MICHEL: No. CUT TO GILMORE HOUSE RORY: I wish you'd change your mind. LORELAI: It's not my mind that needs to be changed. RORY: I don't think she meant it. LORELAI: Oh she meant it. RORY: Well maybe she thinks she meant it at the time, but I bet she won't mean it later when I show up there without you. LORELAI: And without a map to follow that reasoning I say, Take a hot it's cold outside'. RORY: You just wanna hold a grudge. LORELAI: Yes, it burns more calories. RORY: That's not true. LORELAI: Yes it is, how do you think your grandma got those legs of hers? She's not exactly a Stairmaster gal. RORY: Mom. LORELAI: Never saw her on the running track. RORY: Ok. LORELAI: I don't remember the country club organizing a Tae-bo class. RORY: Fine, forget it. Should I put your name on Grandma's present? LORELAI: Yes, sign it the inn keeper formally known as her daughter. RORY: You know what I think? LORELAI: What? RORY: I think you're acting a little immature. LORELAI: I'm not acting. RORY: Well what about the apple tarts? You wait all year for those apple tarts. LORELAI: I can live without the apple tarts. RORY: You've made up songs after eating five of them with lyrics that contradict that last statement. LORELAI: Oh you know what? You have to go, you're late. RORY: You really won't come? LORELAI: What, I'm sorry, is somebody speaking? Couldn't be Rory, she's already half way to Hartford. RORY: Fine, I'm going. LORELAI: Drive carefully. Watch out for ice. And bring me back one of those [door closes]..tarts! CUT TO GRANDMA'S HOUSE [Doorbell] RORY: Hi Grandma. EMILY: Rory, come in. You look lovely. RORY: This is from me and mom. EMILY: Well aren't you thoughtful? I'll just put it under the tree. RORY: You know mom actually picked it out. EMILY: Rory, do you know Holland Prescott? RORY: I met her last year. EMILY: Holland, look who's here. HOLLAND: Hello Rory. RICHARD: That's not my proposal. ALAN: Yes, I know. Henry toned it down a little. RICHARD: Henry did! Henry is a toddler! ALAN: He thought your take was a little conservative. RICHARD: And a moron! ALAN: Richard, be very careful. This man may be our boss one day. RICHARD: Oh that will never happen. ALAN: Alright. RICHARD: Why have you heard something? EMILY: Richard, Alan, look who's here. RICHARD: Hello Rory. RORY: Hi. ALAN: Where's your mother? RORY: Oh, well, she... ALAN: Over by the apple tarts I assume. EMILY: Lorelai couldn't come tonight. RICHARD: She couldn't? EMILY: No, she had to work. [Rory looks at her] RICHARD: Ah. Speaking of which, I'm going to give that man a call. ALAN: Richard, you're getting yourself all worked up. RICHARD: As long as I've been with this company, it has been run by gentleman. Revising a man's work without so much as a phone call would've been unheard of! ALAN: It's a new world out there Richard. RICHARD: Oh! EMILY: Please stop all this shop talk. We are here to celebrate. RICHARD: I'm going to call him. ALAN: Richard, it's past midnight in London. RICHARD: Oh, even better. RORY: Grandma, could I talk to you alone please. EMILY: You need something to drink. RORY: I want to apologize about the other night. EMILY: Rory please, this is a party. RORY: I messed up, it's my fault. EMILY: This is not the time or place to discuss this, your mother should have taught you that. RORY: Please don't be mad at her. EMILY: I'm not mad at anyone. Now go back in and join the party. RORY: But - EMILY: And take this to Gigi on your way back. CUT TO GILMORE HOUSE LORELAI: Yes Joe, I know it's Friday night, but I ordered my pizza an hour ago...Oh no I did not hear about the delivery van...Well I am very, very sorry to hear that. Now was it a fairly new van? Great, ok, well Joe, as with most tragedies in life there come a time when you just need to pick up and move one. So what's the next phase of the delivery saga? Mm-hmm...Well how long until your brother's back with the razor scooter? Ok, uh-huh, alright, just call me when it gets there. Bye Joe. [Goes into the kitchen, grams a salad bag, pours dressing into it, shakes it and sits down to read a magazine and eat. Hears a knocking at Rory's window. Goes into Rory's room and sees Dean at the window. Opens window] LORELAI: Well, hi there. DEAN: Hi. LORELAI: How you doing? DEAN: Fine. LORELAI: Good, good. Shouldn't you have a squeegee with you or something? DEAN: I was just - LORELAI: Looking for Rory? DEAN: Yeah. LORELAI: She's not here. DEAN: Ok. LORELAI: [sighs] I'll tell her you tapped. DEAN: Thanks. LORELAI: Mm-hmm [goes to close window but Dean hasn't moved] Something else? DEAN: I just wanted to say that things got all messed up. LORELAI: Yes they did. DEAN: And I'm sorry. LORELAI: Uh-huh. DEAN: But nothing happened. LORELAI: Ok, I have to go. DEAN: We sat down and we were reading this book and then we fell asleep. LORELAI: Pick a more interesting book next time. DEAN: So am I like public enemy #1 with you? LORELAI: #1? I don't know, would you settle for top five? Because I'm still a little hot for that crazy bomber guy who's been living in a cave for a year. DEAN: Please just tell me where I stand. LORELAI: I don't know where you stand ok? All I know is my 16 year old daughter didn't come home one night and you had something to do with that. DEAN: I told you - nothing happened LORELAI: [overlaps Dean] Happened, I heard. DEAN: Look you can hate me but you have to believe me, I would not let anything happen to her. LORELAI: You happened to her. DEAN: I won't hurt her. LORELAI: You know, I was 16 when I had Rory. DEAN: I know. LORELAI: That is the same age she is now. DEAN: I know. LORELAI: She wants to go to Harvard. DEAN: She will go to Harvard and if she doesn't it won't be because of me. [sighs and stands to leave] LORELAI: I don't hate you. DEAN: No? LORELAI: No. Though I did imagine 20 different ways to remove your head from your body. DEAN: Yeah? Well which one looked the best? LORELAI: Hedge clippers. DEAN: Huh. LORELAI: Dull ones. DEAN: Well, I mean sure you wouldn't want it to go quick. LORELAI: Exactly. DEAN: Ok, uh, I'm gonna go. LORELAI: Dean. DEAN: Yeah. LORELAI: You know we have a really nice front door. You might want to use it some times. DEAN: Got it. LORELAI: See ya. CUT TO STREET OUTSIDE LUKE'S [Lorelai walking to Luke's while people ring bells to the tune of The First Noel] DIRECTOR: Henry, you ring on 3. HENRY: I thought I was 2. DIRECTOR: No, Chuck rings on 2, you ring on 3. CHUCK: I'm on 1. DIRECTOR: Are you sure? CHUCK: Nope. Sorry. You're right. I'm 2. DIRECTOR: From the top. [they start again] Henry! CUT TO INSIDE LUKE'S LORELAI: Hey. LUKE: Rory coming? LORELAI: No. LUKE: She on a date? LORELAI: No. LUKE: Good so you've forbid her to see the bag boy. LORELAI: I'd really rather not talk about it right now. LUKE: Just tell me you forbid her to see the bag boy. LORELAI: I did not forbid her to see the bag boy. LUKE: Are you crazy? LORELAI: Well, he looks like he's moving up to produce, so he's suddenly become quite a catch. LUKE: That kid is trouble. LORELAI: Can I order please. LUKE: First time I looked at him, I thought he was trouble. LORELAI: Excuse me, I'm the one who told you I thought he was trouble and you told me you thought I was crazy. LUKE: You are crazy and he is trouble. LORELAI: He is not trouble! He's 6'2...he's beautiful and he's completely in love with my daughter. LUKE: Trouble. LORELAI: Big time. LUKE: I'll get your burger. LORELAI: Wait. Can I see a menu? LUKE: You need to see a menu? LORELAI: Yes. LUKE: You come here everyday. LORELAI: I know, but I usually order the same thing, and tonight I'm in the mood for something a little different. LUKE: Menu. LORELAI: Piece of paper, list of food offered. LUKE: Ok, here. [gives her a menu] It's not in Japanese. LORELAI: Don't you have any kind of holiday special? Something festive? LUKE: I just got some Grey Poupon. That's French. LORELAI: Tonight's my parents big Christmas celebration. There's good food, these amazing apple tarts, big tree. It's the only holiday I actually enjoy going over there for and this year, I'm uninvited. LUKE: Why the hell would anyone celebrate Christmas two weeks early? LORELAI: Did you even hear the part about me being uninvited? LUKE: To your parents' fake Christmas party? LORELAI: Yes. LUKE: I did hear that. LORELAI: Do you care? LUKE: Obviously you do. LORELAI: Yes, I do and I don't know why. LUKE: You liked going... LORELAI: I did. LUKE: Rory's there without you... LORELAI: She is. LUKE: You and Rory aren't getting along right now and you feel bad at being separated during a time you usually share together. LORELAI: Wow. LUKE: Did I mention you come here every damn day? LORELAI: I'll have a burger. LUKE: Coming right up. CUT TO GRANDMA'S HOUSE GIGI: Emily, you've out done yourself yet again. ALAN: Yes, I can't imagine the hours you spent slaving over a hot stove. EMILY: You're teasing me, Alan. ALAN: It's delicious Emily. EMILY: A compliment for my chef is a compliment for me, thank you Alan. RICHARD: I for one would like to know where Henry is at this hour. Probably gallivanting around London like a bull out to stud. EMILY: Richard please. RICHARD: Well how is he supposed to negotiate the contract tomorrow morning if he's been out at all hours with some cheap tramp. ALAN: Knowing Henry, she wasn't cheap. EMILY: This is wildly inappropriate dinner conversation especially in front of a young lady. RICHARD: Is it unbearably hot in here? EMILY: Richard don't loosen your tie at the table. HOLLAND: So what are your plans for the Christmas holidays Rory? RORY: I'll probably just be hanging out with my mom. GIGI: Oh it's such a shame she couldn't come, she's always such a kick. EMILY: Lorelai wasn't feeling well so I suggested she stay home. RICHARD: It is hot in here, I'm going to lower the thermostat [leaves]. HOLLAND: Poor thing, what's wrong with her? EMILY: She has a touch of the flu. Richard forget the thermostat! [Rory looks at her again] GIGI: I thought you said she was working? EMILY: Well she was supposed to work but then she caught the flu so one way or another she couldn't have made it. GIGI: Tell her we missed her. RORY: I will. EMILY: Richard! For heaven sake [getting up to find him]. Richard! CUT TO LUKE'S [Slides a Santa face hamburger in front of Lorelai] LORELAI: What did you do? LUKE: You wanted something festive. LORELAI: You made me a Santa burger. LUKE: It's not big deal. LORELAI: He has a hat and everything. LUKE: Yeah, I just cut a piece of wonder bread, you know, poured a little ketchup, piped on a little cream cheese. LORELAI: No one has ever made me something quite this disgusting before. I thank you. LUKE: You're welcome. [Cell phone rings. Luke point at the no cell phone' sign] LORELAI: What? LUKE: Outside! LORELAI: Are you kidding? It's like the North Pole out there. LUKE: Hey, this sign isn't just a decoration. LORELAI: Honey, nothing in here is a decoration. LUKE: It's disturbs the other customers. LORELAI: Oh really? Maybe we should take a vote. [to customers] Who thinks we shouldn't use cell phones in here? [all raise their hands] Well screw democracy. [goes to answer but stops ringing] Perfect, Now I have to check my voice mail. [Taylor and carolers enter] ALL: ...the new born king'. LUKE: Whoa, what's going on? TAYLOR: Well we were caroling around town and we got a bit chilly and we thought maybe we could trade you a song for some hot chocolate. LUKE: You want free hot chocolate? TAYLOR: No no, we'll sing for it, any tune you like. LUKE: And then I give you free hot chocolate. TAYLOR: Yes. LUKE: Tell you want, you can have your hot chocolate, and pay for it, then go next door and sing for the marshmallows. LORELAI: Oh my God! TAYLOR: These are your neighbors Luke! LUKE: Shut up Taylor. What's going on? [to Lorelai] LORELAI: My father's in the hospital. LUKE: What? LORELAI: Yeah, he collapsed or something. I don't know. I need a cab. I need to call a cab. Where's the phone? I need - can anyone give me - I'm holding a phone. LUKE: Whoa, calm down. LORELAI: No I can't calm down. I need a cab. What's the numbers? God, it's something-cabs, cabs-something-something, 1-800-cabs? Can somebody tell me the damn number of the cab guy?! LUKE: I'll drive you. LORELAI: But there's food and there's people and there's a burger with a face. LUKE: Ok, everybody out! We're closed, let's go. Food's on me. [to Lorelai] Put on your coat and get your stuff. [to Taylor] Taylor, have your hot chocolate then lock up. [to Lorelai] Come on, my truck's out back. LORELAI: Luke, I'm - LUKE: I know, let's go. CUT TO INSIDE TRUCK LORELAI: Look. LUKE: Relax. LORELAI: We're being passed by senior citizens. LUKE: I'm going as fast as I can. LORELAI: Bye Grandma, bye. LUKE: There's ice on the road, those people aren't being safe. LORELAI: Well maybe they're not being safe but at least they're getting somewhere. LUKE: You checked it five times already, I've listened to it twice, it's not changing. LORELAI: Grandpa's in the hospital, please come.' No details, no info. Who taught her to leave a message like that? LUKE: I'm sure she was in a hurry. LORELAI: A person needs details. Why is he in the hospital? How bad is it? What are the circumstances involving him being in the hospital? These are simple questions. LUKE: We'll be there very soon and you'll know everything. LORELAI: What if he's dead? LUKE: He's not dead. LORELAI: How do you know? LUKE: I know. LORELAI: Oh, you're psychic now? You're suddenly getting visions while you're driving 20 mph in the oldest truck known to man? [pause] I'm sorry, you're killing yourself to get me there and I'm yelling at you. I don't mean it. LUKE: I know. LORELAI: I feel like this is one of those moments when I should be remembering all the great times I had with my dad, you know. The time he took me shopping for a Barbie or to the circus or fishing and my mind is a complete blank. LUKE: Well I'm sure it happened. LORELAI: No it didn't. We never did any of that. He went to work, he came home, he read the paper, he went to bed, I snuck out the window. Simple. He was a very by the numbers guy. I was never very good with numbers. LUKE: I'm sure he loves you. LORELAI: You know my dad is not a bad guy. LUKE: I'm sure he's not. LORELAI: He lived his life the way he thought he was supposed to. He followed the rules taught to him by his non-fishing-non-Barbie-buying dad. He worked hard. He bought a nice house. He provided for my mom. All he asked in return was for his daughter to wear white dresses and go to cotillion and want the same life that he had. What a disappointment it must have been for him to get me. LUKE: I can't imagine anyone seeing you as a disappointment. LORELAI: I bet you'd buy a Barbie for your daughter. LUKE: Yeah, well, I'd probably give her the cash to buy it herself and meet her by the baseball cards. LORELAI: Hmm. You'll make a great dad. LUKE: You make a great mom. LORELAI: Yeah. It's just the uh, daughter part I don't have down yet. LUKE: Ok, hold on. That Camaro is dust. [SCENE_BREAK] CUT TO HOSPITAL EMILY: But why can't I see him.? NURSE: They're running some test. EMILY: Well I would like to meet this doctor who's testing him. NURSE: You will. EMILY: Some strange man is working on my husband, I have a right to meet this person. NURSE: You will. EMILY: And I want to see the room you're going to put him in. NURSE: You will. EMILY: And stop saying You will'. Put a proper sentence together for God's sake. NURSE: Ma'am, please wait here. RORY: Did you find out anything? EMILY: Please! They run this place like the CIA [Joshua comes up] Joshua, thank God! This place is infuriating. JOSHUA: It's alright, I'm here, I'm going to check on him right now. Have you filled out the forms yet? EMILY: I don't care about the forms, I want to see my husband. JOSHUA: [to Rory] Is she being obstinate? RORY: Very. JOSHUA: Let me see what's going on and then we'll take it from there. EMILY: And there he goes through the doors. RORY: Maybe I should call mom again. EMILY: Never mind, I'm sure she's very busy. RORY: That's not true, I bet she'd - EMILY: Rory, go get your Grandfather a paper - RORY: But - EMILY: The Wall Street Journal or Barron's. Whatever they have, he'll want something to read when he gets back to his room. RORY: Ok, can I get you something? Maybe a coffee? EMILY: No dear, I'm fine. [Grandma goes around the corner and calls Lorelai's house but gets the answering machine and hangs up. Goes back to the waiting area] NURSE: Ms. Gilmore, uh, I need you to - EMILY: It's not Ms. Gilmore', it's Mrs. Gilmore! Mrs. Gilmore, I'm not a cosmo woman! NURSE: I know this is difficult for you, but if you don't fill out these forms - EMILY: What? You'll do what? I'd like to hear in your most condescending tone what my punishment will be for not filling out these forms in a timely manner. Are there bamboo shoots involved? Some sort of dark deep hole in the ground? Rats nibbling at my toes? [Pan to Lorelai and Luke in the hospital] LUKE: Ok, we're supposed to follow the blue line, around the corner and then we should be - LORELAI: Where's the scarecrow when you need him? LUKE: Ok, we have to ask someone else. LORELAI: No! No! We just have to pick one. LUKE: Ah, well can't just wander around here aimlessly. LORELAI: Luke, listen to me, somewhere in this hospital are my mother and my father. Now I know I don't get along with them but there has to be some sort of intuition, some sort of blood bond that will somehow lead me to them. LUKE: That's crazy. [overhear] EMILY: My great uncle founded this hospital - LORELAI: And that's Emily. EMILY: You insensitive paper peddler! His portrait is hanging in the lobby, go look. It's right above the sign that says Founder'! LORELAI: Mom! EMILY: Lorelai. LORELAI: What's going on? How is he? EMILY: You came! LORELAI: Well of course I came. How's dad? EMILY: That's what I've been trying to find out but this woman keeps pestering me with idiotic questions like What's the number of my insurance policy and how long have we had it.' NURSE: I need to get this information. EMILY: You need to get sensitivity training! LORELAI: Well, what if I fill out this information and you can go find someone who can tell us how my dad is. NURSE: I'm not supposed to - LORELAI: Or, I could go and you can stay here and continue to discuss this with my mother [Nurse looks at Emily] NURSE: I'll go. LORELAI: Thank you. EMILY: You got rid of her. LORELAI: Yes, so tell me what happened. EMILY: That's amazing. LORELAI: Mom, please. EMILY: I don't know what happened. He was hot and he went to turn down the thermostat and then - [see Luke] were you on a date? LORELAI: What? EMILY: You have an escort? LORELAI: No, it's Luke, Mom. LUKE: Which is her way of saying we weren't on a date. LORELAI: I'm sorry, I didn't mean it like that. EMILY: Well how am I supposed to know you weren't on a date. It's Friday night and you show up here with a man. LORELAI: With Luke, Mom. EMILY: It's not insane to assume a date was involved. LORELAI: You're right, ok, it's entirely possible that I was out on a date. LUKE: Just not with me. LORELAI: I was eating at Luke's when I got the message. He gave me a ride, end of story. Is Dr. Reynolds here? EMILY: Yes, Joshua got her a while ago. He was supposed to come back the minute he knew something but he hasn't been back yet. LORELAI: Well let's go find him. EMILY: You can't find him! You can't find anyone! Everyone just keeps disappearing behind those doors! LORELAI: Well come on, let's go [goes through doors] EMILY: I didn't know you could do that. [follows Lorelai] LUKE: I'll wait here. [Rory come up] RORY: Luke. LUKE: I gave your mom a ride. We weren't on a date. RORY: Oh, ok. LUKE: She and your grandmother just went back to see if they can find a doctor. RORY: Did they find out anything else about Grandpa? LUKE: I don't think so, but give your mom a couple of minutes back there, I bet she finds something out. RORY: Thanks for bringing her. LUKE: You're welcome. Hey, you ok? RORY: I don't want him to die. LUKE: Well you tell him that when you see him ok? People like to hear that. [Lorelai comes through doors] RORY: Mom! LORELAI: Hey, you! Hi. RORY: It was horrible! It happened so fast. LORELAI: They're about to bring him out of the big test room any minute so just hang in there. RORY: Where's Grandma? LORELAI: Kicking some patient out of the room with the good view. RORY: Really? LORELAI: I hope they get him unhooked fast, otherwise he's going without the life support machine. RORY: So how long before they bring him back? LORELAI: Very soon. RORY: I'd like to do something? LORELAI: Like rollerblade? RORY: Like get some coffee or make phone calls or do something that isn't standing here waiting. LORELAI: Ok, go it. Well as partial as I am to the phone, I'm voting for the get coffee' idea. RORY: Ok, good. Luke tea? LUKE: Ah, peppermint preferably. RORY: I'll be right back. LORELAI: Hey, he's gonna be fine. RORY: I was just getting to know him. LORELAI: I know. RORY: I don't want him to - LORELAI: He's not. Go get your coffee. [Rory leaves] Oh man! [sits with Luke] LUKE: You're very brave for her. LORELAI: Yeah, well it's my turn. God this sucks. LUKE: Hey come on, you gotta think positive here - bright side, good thoughts. Rainbows, unicorns, clowns, little cute...furry - ok I'm out. LORELAI: Thank God. [Grandma comes through doors] EMILY: Alright, we've secured him the room but the pillows are completely unacceptable. I'm gonna see if I can find him some down ones and some slippers. I'll be right back. LORELAI: We'll be right here [gurney passes. Luke breathes deeply, head back] Jeez are you ok? LUKE: Yeah, I'm just not big on hospitals you know the smell, people being wheeled by with tubes sticking out of them, you know, drainage, fluids, gaping holes - LORELAI: Ok, listen, why don't you go home. LUKE: You want me to go? LORELAI: You don't look so good. LUKE: Thanks. LORELAI: That's not what I meant. You know you always look good. LUKE: Yeah? LORELAI: I mean you always look healthy. LUKE: Ok. LORELAI: But you don't look so healthy now. Now you look... LUKE: Unhealthy. LORELAI: Yes. LUKE: Ok. LORELAI: Oh what? So I said you look good. We're not in 5th grade. You look good', big deal. Stop staring at me. [patient passes by] LUKE: Ah, jeez. LORELAI: See that's what you get for being cocky. [Grandpa wheeled out] LORELAI: Uh, how is he? ORDERLY: He's a little groggy right now. LORELAI: What's going on? How are the tests? ORDERLY: The doctor will have to tell you that, I'm just the transport guy. LORELAI: When is the doctor coming out? ORDERLY: I'm not sure but you can go in with your dad until he gets here. LORELAI: Thanks. LUKE: Go ahead, I'm good. LORELAI: That's ok, uh, I'm gonna go find my mom and Rory and tell them he's back up. LUKE: I can tell them when they get here. LORELAI: That's ok, uh, I think they'd like to know now [turns around and almost knocks over her mom] Ah! EMILY: Lorelai, you almost ran me over. LORELAI: Well, good thing we're in a hospital. EMILY: Where were you going? LORELAI: To find you, they just brought dad up. EMILY: When? LORELAI: Just now. EMILY: Well how is he? Did you talk to him? LORELAI: No not yet, I was coming to find you. EMILY: Well come on. LORELAI: You go ahead mom, I'm gonna go find Rory. EMILY: Fine. [goes into room] LORELAI: Ok. LUKE: You know I could look for Rory. LORELAI: No that's ok, I'll do it. LUKE: I thought so. Hey look, it's Rory. [Rory comes up to them] RORY: The coffee machine was jammed so I got us some chicken soup and some Pez. LORELAI: I was just coming to look for you. RORY: Why, is everything ok? LORELAI: They just brought Grandpa back up. He's in room 202. RORY: Well come on. LORELAI: You go ahead, I just - I have to make a call. RORY: Well hurry up. LORELAI: I'll meet you there. LUKE: So who are you gonna go find now? LORELAI: Stop. LUKE: How about Jimmy Hoffa? That'll keep you busy for a while. LORELAI: I said stop. LUKE: You can't avoid going into that room forever. LORELAI: I'm not avoiding anything. I'm going to find coffee. LUKE: The machine's jammed. LORELAI: Well there are other machines. LUKE: Admit you're afraid. LORELAI: You have no idea what you're talking about. LUKE: The truth hurts. LORELAI: No you know what hurts? Having a screwdriver jammed in the side of your head [pointing behind Luke] LUKE: What? [turns around] Oh my God! CUT TO INSIDE HOSPITAL ROOM RORY: Year end optimism in recent earnings reports, have pushed shares of the telecommunications giant about $65'. RICHARD: [weakly] Oh, rubbish. RORY: However, some experts say that the stock is dangerously overvalued.' RICHARD: Ahh. Hmm. EMILY: [Comes into room] Well how are we doing? RORY: We're done the front page of the Financial Times and all of The Wall Street Journal. EMILY: Very good progress. Rory dear, why don't you save the rest of the paper till later hmm? RORY: Ok. [to Grandpa] If I hug you, is it gonna hurt? RICHARD: Pain is part of life. [she hugs him] EMILY: This little girl likes you. RICHARD: Well, she has good taste. [Pan to Rory coming out of room and finds Luke sitting in the chairs beside the room] RORY: Where's mom? LUKE: Looking for coffee. RORY: What are you doing? LUKE: Staring at my shoes. RORY: Ok, carry on. [Pan back inside room] EMILY: Well I finally found you some decent pillows, they're not down but at least they give a little. RICHARD: Emily, we need to talk. EMILY: Can you life your head at all? RICHARD: This is serious. EMILY: Just a little. RICHARD: There is a key in my top desk drawer. EMILY: Better yes? RICHARD: It is to the safe. EMILY: One more time. RICHARD: All of our stock information is in there, plus all of the insurance information. EMILY: Now if I could just find you some different sheets. RICHARD: Our will is in my lower left drawer, Denis has a copy in case there's a problem. EMILY: Maybe I could get Dava to bring some from home - RICHARD: Emily, this is serious. We have to be practical. EMILY: I'm gonna have Dava get those - RICHARD: Emily listen to me, if I die - EMILY: No! RICHARD: Emily. EMILY: Richard Gilmore, there may be many things happening in this hospital tonight but your dying is not one of them. RICHARD: But - EMILY: No! I did not sign on to your dying. And it is not going to happen. Not tonight, not for a very long time. In fact, I demand to go first. Do I make myself clear? RICHARD: Yes Emily. You may go first. EMILY: Good. I'm gonna get you those sheets. [picks up the phone as Richard takes her hand and holds it.] [Pan to Lorelai and Rory by the coffee machine.] RORY: No luck? LORELAI: I think I'm wearing it down. RORY: You're pathetic. LORELAI: Is the doctor back? RORY: Not yet. LORELAI: So, you have a visitor tonight. RORY: Yeah? Who? LORELAI: Narcolepsy boy. RORY: Dean came over? LORELAI: Oh yeah. He pulled the old tapping on the window' bit. RORY: Were you mean? LORELAI: Excuse me, I am never mean. RORY: You were mean. LORELAI: He told me nothing happened. RORY: Nothing did. LORELAI: I know. RORY: You do? Really? LORELAI: Rory, there are only two things that I totally trust in this entire world. The fact that I will never be able to understand what Charo is saying no matter how long she lives in this country - and you. RORY: Hopefully not in that order. LORELAI: You just have to understand the major panic factor that went on there. RORY: I do, I really do and I'm so sorry. Nothing like that will ever happen again. I swear. LORELAI: Don't swear. RORY: Why not? LORELAI: Because you are your mother's daughter. RORY: What does that mean. LORELAI: It means things can happen, even when you don't really mean for them to happen. RORY: They will not happen. LORELAI: Hmm. Ok RORY: I hated going to that party tonight without you. LORELAI: I hated you going to that party tonight without me. How were the apple tarts? RORY: Oh, Grandma didn't make them this year. LORELAI: Really? RORY: Yup. LORELAI: That's weird. RORY: I know. LORELAI: Hmm, are you lying? RORY: Through my teeth. LORELAI: Good girl. [pan to outside Grandpa's room] EMILY: Oh, hello [sees Luke sitting there.] LUKE: Hi. EMILY: If you don't mind, I think I need to just - LUKE: Oh sure. Sit, please. How is he? EMILY: Oh you know he's - I don't know. [playing with Grandpa's tie] LUKE: It's a nice tie. EMILY: It's Brooks Brothers. LUKE: Ah. EMILY: It was bothering him tonight. I told him not to loosen it. I wanted him to look nice for our guests, so he didn't. And then well...The paramedics took it off him on the way here. I just haven't been able to put it down yet [sniffles] I must sound crazy. LUKE: I've kept my father's entire store just the way he left it. EMILY: Really? LUKE: Well I turned it into a diner, but I kept all his stuff on the walls, his pictures in the office, even the Hardware' sign. EMILY: I'm sure he would've appreciated having his life's worked being honored like that. LUKE: He would've called me a damn fool. EMILY: Oh, well. I don't know what Lorelai's told you about her father, I can certainly imagine, but he's a very good man. He always did the right thing for his family. LUKE: That's what she told me. EMILY: So what exactly is going on between the two of you? LUKE: Nothing. Really. We're friends, that's it. EMILY: You're idiots, the both of you. [Lorelai and Rory come back] EMILY: There you are, where have you been? LORELAI: Coffee hunt. So what's going on? LUKE: Your mother called me an idiot. LORELAI: Wow, you must have sucked up good. EMILY: Well I'm going to go wash my face [leaves taking Rory with her.] [Lorelai stands in front of the door to Grandpa's room.] LUKE: So whatcha gonna do? LORELAI: [sighs] Ok, well, I'm just gonna... LUKE: I'll be here. [Lorelai looks at Grandpa who opens his eyes. They look at each other for a couple of seconds and are about to say something when the doctor, Rory and Grandma walk into the room.] EMILY: ...I've heard for such a long time. Richard, how are you darling? JOSHUA: Well Richard, it looks like we're gonna be stuck with you for a while longer. It was just a touch of angina. EMILY: But you have to watch your diet. JOSHUA: Yes, that's going to be very important. No more red meat, heavy desserts and you're going to have to exercise regularly. EMILY: Golf doesn't count. RORY: So can he go home? JOSHUA: We'd like to keep him over night though, just to be sure. RORY: But he's fine. JOSHUA: As long as he does what he's told, yes. [Lorelai sneaks out] [Luke comes around the corner] LUKE: I heard, everything's ok. LORELAI: Yeah, yeah. They're going to keep him over night but - but he's going to be fine. [cries] LUKE: Hey. [Luke hugs her] Ok, see here's where the guy is supposed to give the girl his handkerchief but I don't have one...and plus I find the practice a little revolting so... LORELAI: No, I'm ok. LUKE: You sure? LORELAI: Yeah. LUKE: Alright. Oh hey, I got this for you. LORELAI: Ah, where'd you get that? LUKE: Nurse's lounge. LORELAI: Uh-huh. LUKE: What? You're not the only one who can flirt [Lorelai laughs] The door was open. LORELAI: Thank you. LUKE: Anything else I can do? LORELAI: Could you take Rory home? LUKE: Yeah sure. What about you? LORELAI: I'm gonna stick around here for a while and make sure everything's are settled you know. You take her and I'll drive the jeep back. LUKE: Ok. [Rory comes out] RORY: He's gonna be fine. LORELAI: Yeah, yeah. I think it was those financial papers that really did the trick. [they giggle] So, um, Luke's gonna take you home ok, I'm gonna hang out here for a while. RORY: I'll stay too. LUKE: No, go, call Dean. Talk mushy to each other and then spend an hour arguing over who's going to hang up first. RORY: You are gross. LORELAI: I'll call you later. RORY: Ok, well tell him good bye for me. And tell Grandpa I'll come back tomorrow. LORELAI: Ok, I will, bye. RORY: Bye. LUKE: Ok, walk fast and look straight ahead. [Grandma and Joshua come out, Joshua leaves] EMILY: He's almost asleep. LORELAI: Good. EMILY: Where's Rory? LORELAI: I sent her home with Luke. EMILY: What about you? LORELAI: I thought I'd stick around in case anybody needed anything. EMILY: Really? LORELAI: I mean not you. You obviously don't need anything, but somebody somewhere in this hospital might at some point need something and I'm gonna be the person who gets it for them. EMILY: Would you like to go down to the cafeteria for something to eat? LORELAI: Yes. Maybe somebody in the cafeteria will need something. EMILY: Oh dear. LORELAI: And won't they feel lucky when they see me. Hey I needed something and there you were', it's going to be a great moment. CUT TO LUKE'S LORELAI: Hello. LUKE: Hey, how's your dad? LORELAI: Better, though he says that life is not life unless it includes a steak. How come you're not out with everybody? LUKE: I had some things to do. LORELAI: Right, anyways, this is for you. [giving him a bag] LUKE: What's it for? LORELAI: Just thank you, Christmas, whatever. LUKE: Christmas isn't for two weeks. LORELAI: Do we really have to do this again? [he opens the present. It's a baseball hat] I just thought, you know, God forbid something happens to that one, you might need a spare. Here [put it on forwards] Does that look wrong. [puts in on backwards] There! Oh hey turn out the lights [going to the window] LUKE: For what? It's not the real procession, it's just the rehearsal. LORELAI: So, it's pretty. LUKE: And why do they need to rehearse it? It's the same thing every year. LORELAI: Come on Luke, please. [he turns out the lights and joins her by the window] It's hard to imagine living somewhere else isn't it? LUKE: Thanks for the hat. LORELAI: You're welcome. Looks good on you. LUKE: Good how? LORELAI: Just watch the procession.

Things are still chilly between Rory and Lorelai; Lane gives Rory advice about the right Christmas gift for Dean; Emily and Lorelai have a tiff about Christmas dinner, leaving Rory to go by herself; Dean and Lorelai patch things up; Luke makes a lonely Lorelai a Santa burger; Richard collapses and is rushed to the hospital; Luke gives a car-less Lorelai a ride to the hospital; relieved that Richard's collapse was only a bout of angina, the Gilmores settle their differences.

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[Scene: An apartment. A man rushes in carrying a woman. He lays her on the couch.] Man: Crystal, where's the crystal? Woman: It's over there. Man: Where? Woman: The cabinet. (The man rushes over to a cabinet and searches through it. He finds a crystal and a map.) Man: Got it. (The woman sighs and closes her eyes.) Isis. (He rushes to her side.) Isis. Don't die on me, not yet. Not until we can find you another body. Call upon the witch within. Use her powers. Isis: I don't have the strength. Man: Find the strength. It's the only way. Isis: Okay. (She scrys for a witch with the crystal and the map.) I found one. Man: Good. Can you tell, is she powerful enough to hold your spirit? Isis: I don't know. (She dies.) Man: Until we meet again, my love. (He hears sirens of police cars and three pull up outside. Four policemen get out.) Like moths to a flame. [Cut to outside.] Darryl: Remember, nobody's taken him yet, so watch your backs, follow my lead. Any questions? Let's go. (They run up the stairs.) [Cut to the apartment. The man recites a spell and Isis is mummified. A large brooch in the shape of a beetle appears on the mummy's chest. Suddenly, the man turns to dust. The police barge in through the door.] Darryl: Clear! Freeze! (They check all the rooms.) Policeman: Clear in the bathroom. (Darryl walks over to the pile of dust and picks up a handful.) Policeman #2: Everything's locked from the inside. How'd he get out of here? Darryl: You don't wanna know. (Darryl dials a number on his cell phone.) Phoebe Halliwell, please. Tell her it's Inspector Morris. It's important. Opening Credits [Scene: A maternity clothes shop. Paige is waiting outside a changing room.] Paige: Piper, my hair is turning white out here. Come out already. Piper's Voice: No. Paige: Come on, it can't be that bad. (Piper, with her pregnant tummy now showing, parts the curtains and walks out wearing a peach coloured top and floral pants. She puts her hands on her hips.) Aww, it's cute. Piper: I don't wanna be cute. (She stands in front of a mirror.) I can't believe I let you talk me into this. Paige: Oh, your pants weren't even buttoning anymore, come on. Piper: Well, I could've gone up a size, or two. I don't need to resort to maternity clothes. Everything is just so bright and cheery and ruffley. This thing makes me look like a... Saleswoman: Adorable! (The saleswoman comes over to them.) Absolutely adorable. I think it's you. Piper: Hmm, I guess you don't know me very well, do you? Paige: Piper. Piper: Look, do you have anything that will go with combat boots? You know, something for the mum-to-be who kicks some ass upon occasion? You know, something in black or grey? Saleswoman: I'll check. Aw, motherhood. (She pats Piper's tummy and walks away.) Piper: Okay, explain to me the touching thing. Why is my stomach suddenly public property and perfect strangers are always touching me? It's weird space invasion. (Paige rubs her neck.) Are you listening? Paige: No, I'm not. Piper: What's the matter with your neck? Paige: It's this cramp, I've had it for a couple of days now. Piper: Well, why don't you get a massage? (Piper looks through a rack of clothes.) Paige: Oh, yeah, I'll pencil that in. Right between vanquishing demons and training to be your midwife. (Piper holds up an ugly pale pink dress.) No. (Piper puts the dress back.) Piper: Well, A, I don't need midwives because I'm delivering with a doctor not sisters. And B, you need to start taking care of yourself because you've actually been working harder than when you were working. Paige: Yeah, well, someone has to pick up the slack, especially with hermit lady just laying around the house. Piper: The hermit lady? Paige: Yeah, Phoebe? Have you noticed she hasn't left the house in weeks. Piper: What do you mean? She leaves the house every morning. Paige: No, she leaves the house to go to work. I can understand wanting a break from guys, but come on already, she's gonna wear out the batteries. Piper: Ah, Paige! Paige: What? (Paige's phone rings. She answers it.) Hello? Oh, hey, Phoebe. We were just talking about you. Piper: And your batteries. Paige: Darryl's at the house? [Scene: Manor. Living room. Piper, Phoebe, Paige and Darryl are there. Piper's fidgeting with the maternity outfit she's still wearing and Phoebe is busy painting her toenails. Darryl hands Piper and Paige a sketch of Jeric, the man in the first scene.] Darryl: Five murders, five cities. But this is the first one in San Francisco. We are hot on his tail following a tip and then he just vanished. Paige: That's creepy. He's killing his victims and then mummifying them. What gives? Darryl: That's why I called Phoebe, I was hoping you could tell me. Piper: Well, just because it's creepy doesn't mean it's demonic. I mean, there's plenty of human wackos out there. (Piper continues to fidget with her outfit.) Paige: Stop fidgeting will you? You look fine. Piper: I look ridiculous. Paige: Phoebe, will you tell her that she looks fine. Phoebe: You look so cute. Darryl: If you ask me, there's nothing more beautiful than a preg... (He reaches to touch Piper's stomach and she stops him.) Piper: Do it and you pull back a bloody stub. Paige: She's a little sensitive right now. Darryl: I can see that. (Phoebe finishes her toenails and stands up.) Phoebe: Okay, demons, witches, fill them in will you? I've got a important lunch date at the office. Paige: You have a date? Phoebe: Oh, well, it's actually more like an appointment down the hall. It's a facial. Darryl: Look, we think, I think that the victim may have been a witch. So if she was maybe they all were, which means you need to watch your backs. Phoebe: Sand, don't forget the sand. Darryl: Uh, right. In each case there's been a pile of sand found by the mummy. My guess it's got something to do with how he escapes. (Piper looks at a picture of the mummy.) Piper: What's with the bug on the chest? Phoebe: I already have Leo asking the Elders about that. Okay, if we leave now, I should be able to go to the crime scene, get a quick premonition and then be back at the office in time for my appointment. Okay, so who's driving? Darryl: Whoa, who says you're going to the crime scene? Phoebe: Is that a problem? Darryl: Only for my reputation. Look, it's taken me a long time to lose the freaky deaky rap, but no offence but I don't need it back right now. Paige: Freaky deaky rap? Darryl: You know what I mean. Piper: Why can't you just tell them that we're psychics like you usually do? Darryl: I can't risk it. I'm up for promotion and if I get passed over this time, there's not gonna be a next time. Paige: Alright, what do you want us to do? Darryl: The right thing as usual. Come on, follow me. (They head for the door. Darryl stops and points at Piper.) No, not you, you're pregnant. Piper: Yes, I am. I am also invincible and self healing. Darryl: You're gonna tell the other inspectors that? Look, I'm sorry, but not even pregnant cops are allowed at crime scenes because of the forensic chemicals. Phoebe: Okay, well, we'll go, you stay here and look in the book for mummies. Paige: Mummy. (She touches Piper's stomach.) Piper: Nah. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Coroner's Examination Room. A coroner is there, examining the mummy, which is lying on a table.] Coroner: The linen wrapping, though curiously airtight, appears to be of a thread count more consistent of a hand weave. After I cut into it forensics should test and date the sample. Alright, let's see what's inside. (He picks up a hand saw and touches the mummy. A protective shield surrounds the mummy and electrocutes the coroner, sending him flying across the room. Jeric walks into the room and over to the mummy.) Jeric: Nobody messes with you, do they, my love? Sorry for leaving you back there but I needed to check on your next body. I think you're going to like it. (He touches the mummy and they both turn into dust.) [Scene: Apartment hallway. A police officer stands at the doorway. Phoebe, Paige and Darryl head for the apartment.] Darryl: They're with me. Police Officer: Hold it, Inspector. They've gotta sign in. Darryl: Right, sorry. Phoebe: Phoebe Halliwell. Paige: Uh, Paige Matthews. Police Officer: Field of expertise? Phoebe: We're psychics. (The officer gives Darryl a look.) Darryl: You got a problem with that, officer? Officer: No, sir. (He chuckles and mumbles to himself.) Psychics. Phoebe: Your girlfriend's cheating on you by the way. (Phoebe, Paige and Darryl walk into the apartment.) Darryl: Look, forensics have been all through here so you can touch anything you want. Just, uh, make it quick, okay? (His pager beeps.) I'll be back. (Darryl leaves. Phoebe starts to look around the apartment.) Paige: So that guy at the door's kinda cute, huh? Phoebe: Really? I hadn't notice. Paige: God, you've been out of commission for longer than I thought. Phoebe: Yeah, she was definitely a witch. Look at all this stuff. Paige: Of course, I guess I can understand, you know, with all the stuff you've been through with Cole. (Phoebe picks something up and tries to get a premonition.) Phoebe: Okay, shush, I'm trying to concentrate here. Paige: But you don't want to let it go for too long because, you know, that would be unhealthy and you are anything but unhealthy. Phoebe: Paige, don't worry about me I'm fine. It's just the whole idea of dating right now, it's just, like ugh, you know. I just, I need some time. Paige: Well, just don't take too much time. (Phoebe spots a map on the floor.) Phoebe: Look, a map. (She then sees a crystal.) Oh, she was definitely... Paige: Scrying? Phoebe: Yeah, but the question is for what? Paige: Steal it. Phoebe: I'm sorry? Paige: I think I know a way of figuring this out at home. Phoebe: Paige, that's evidence, I can't steal evidence. Paige: Crystal. (The crystal orbs into Paige's hand. Darryl walks in and Paige quickly hides the crystal behind her back.) Darryl: Did you get anything? Paige: No, god, not a thing. But we'll see you later. (They rush out of the apartment.) [Scene: Manor. Attic. Piper is standing in front of a mirror fidgeting with her maternity clothes. She starts to walk away, then stops and stands back in front of the mirror. She pokes out her stomach.] Leo: I think you look beautiful. (She spins around to see Leo there watching her.) Piper: How long have you been standing there? Leo: A minute or two. Piper: Well, that's just not far. You're not allowed to orb in unless I'm completely aware of it. Leo: Sorry, I was mesmerized. Piper: Oh, please. Leo: No, I mean it, Piper. (He walks over to her.) I think you look absolutely stunning and I can't believe you don't think you do. Piper: No, it's not that, it's just, it's like suddenly I'm wearing this big fat neon sign that says 'look out everybody she's pregnant, careful' and everybody's treating me so differently. I'm still me, there's just a whole lot more of me going on. (Paige walks in.) Paige: Hey, guys. Oh, I'm sorry, were you ranting? Piper: Yes, I was, but now I'm done, thank you. Where's Phoebe? Paige: Oh, she went back to work. She didn't want to miss her facial. Piper: What? Paige: Relax, she's just an orb away. So did you find anything? Piper: Yeah, the demon, maybe. (They walk over to the Book of Shadows.) His name is Jeric and apparently he's been at this for quite some time. Only back then the killings were isolated to the Middle East, Cairo, Istanbul, Tripoli. Paige: So what's he doing here? Leo: Well, the same thing he's been doing. Trying to find the perfect body for his lover, Isis. He keeps trying to find a body to host her spirit but the bodies keep dying. Paige: No, you mean the witches keep dying. Leo: Right, well, two spirits can't occupy the same body. The invading spirit overloads it. That's why he's trying to find a witch with enough magic for Isis to use to dispossess the host body. Paige: Of course. Piper: Are you telling me she's going to evict someone from their own body? That's rude. Leo: Basically, yeah. Paige: Okay, so what do mummies have to do with any of this? Leo: Well, he mummifies the corpse to trap Isis' spirit to keep her from moving on until he can find her a new body. Paige: That must be what she's scrying for. (Paige walks over to a map and scrys with the crystal.) "Scrying secrets come to me, drop again so I might see." Piper: See what? (The crystal drops onto a spot on the map.) Fifth and Hyde? Well, that's Phoebe. [Cut to The Bay Mirror parking lot. Phoebe drives in and gets out. Jeric is there leaning against a car.] Jeric: Great body. Mind if I borrow it for a while? Phoebe: Yeah, I do. (Piper, Paige and Leo orb in.) Piper: Phoebe, no! (Phoebe goes to kick Jeric and he grabs her leg. They both turn to dust.) [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Manor. Dining room. Paige and Leo are there. Paige is scrying for Phoebe and Leo is trying to sense Phoebe. Piper walks in.] Piper: Anything? Leo: No. Piper: What about you? Paige: Nothing. Piper: Well, this is just unacceptable, people. We've got all the magic in the world here, there's gotta be a way. We can not not find Phoebe. Paige: Unless... Piper: No, no unless, she is not dead. She is possessed and that is all. Leo: She's right, Jeric needs her body. Paige: Well, how long can she last until she burns up? Leo: I don't know, probably not long. Piper: All the more reason to find her faster. You keep scrying, you keep sensing. Leo: It's no use, Piper. Jeric is blocking her signal. Piper: But you said even if Phoebe was possessed, she would be aware of what's going on. Leo: Right, but there's nothing that she can do about it. The invading spirit is suppressing her. (The phone rings. Paige answers it.) Paige: Hello? Darryl: Guess what? The mummy's missing. Paige: What? Hold on, I'm gonna put you on speaker phone. Say that again. (She turns on speaker phone.) Darryl: The mummy's missing, the coroner's dead and I am screwed. Piper: Why is the mummy missing? Paige: How are you screwed? Darryl: Because they're blaming me for losing him in the first place, which means if I don't find him... Paige: Bye-bye promotion. Darryl: It pales in comparison to a killer demon being on the loose, I know. But, you know, it still matters to me and my family. Piper: Yes, well, speaking of family, we've got a few problems of our own here. Darryl: What's wrong? Piper: Uh, I'll catch you up later. (Piper hangs up the phone.) Paige: Uh, Piper. Piper: I'm sorry but we need to concentrate on Phoebe. Paige: Okay, well, we can't leave Darryl high and dry after everything he's done for this family. There's gotta be something we can do. Piper: Well, short of helping him arrest the demon, I'm not sure what we can really do. Leo: Well, I have an idea but I have to break some rules. Paige: So I think you should break a few rules then. We owe him. Piper: You're right. You go do what you gotta do and we're gonna do what we have to do. [Scene: Egypt. A pyramid. Jeric walks in carrying an unconscious Phoebe. He places her on a table. Close by is another table where the mummy lays. He gets a bug amulet from the mummy table and takes it over to Phoebe which he places on her chest. Jeric stands between the two tables and outstretches his arms. He recites a spell and a beam of light shoots out of the mummy and into Phoebe. Phoebe wakes up and gasps. Jeric goes over to her.] Jeric: Easy, not so fast. (He smiles.) Welcome back, my love. (He kisses her.) [Scene: Cole's apartment. The elevator doors open and Piper and Paige walk out.] Paige: Are you sure this is such a good idea? Piper: Well, he's found her before hasn't he? Paige: Yeah, but Cole's crazy now. (They walk further into the apartment and are nearly hit by an energy ball. The energy ball hits a mirror, rebounds and hits Cole.) Cole: Damn, still here. (Paige rubs her neck.) Piper: Are you okay? Paige: Yeah, I'm still alive. For now. (Cole writes something down on a piece of paper.) Piper: What's the matter, Cole? Forget you're indestructible? Cole: Hey, what the hell are you guys doing here? Piper: Witnessing a meltdown apparently. Ever thought of therapy? Cole: Thanks, I'd rather chop my head off than have it examined. Wait, that's an idea. (He waves his arm and a guillotine appears in the room.) Paige: Oh my god. Cole: I can't wait to see how I survive this. (He lays down on the guillotine and places his head in the groove.) Paige: Okay, then, good luck with all that and we're just gonna go. Piper: No, we've gotta find Phoebe. Cole: Did you guys actually want something or did you just come to add to my misery? Piper: A demon has taken Phoebe and we need you to find her. Cole: Oh, yeah, really? Well. (He sits up and waves his hand. A cane basket appears where his head will fall.) Sorry, but just in case you forgot, she's the reason I became like this. So, ciao! (He lays back down and pulls the lever. The blade starts to fall and Piper freezes it.) Piper: Wait. (Cole whimpers.) Cole: Oh, can't you at least let me not die in peace? Piper: Cole, we think this guy Jeric has possessed Phoebe. Cole: Wait. (He stands up.) Did you say Jeric? The mummy guy? Paige: Do you know him? Cole: Are you kidding? He's legendary in demonic circles. Paige: Oh, of course he is. Cole: Actually, he goes all the way back to Ancient Egypt but they didn't have the power to vanquish him then, so they just mummified him instead. (He gets an idea.) Mummify. Piper: Hey, stay with us here. How did Jeric get demummified? Cole: Oh, some evil witch cast a spell which released him and then they fell in love and she got killed by his enemies. Flayed alive, if memory serves. Poor guy's been wracked with guilt, he's been trying to find a replacement body ever since. Paige: Oh, that'd almost be romantic if he hadn't killed so many witches Cole: Hey, he's just a guy trying to get his love back. There's nothing wrong with that. Actually, we could probably work together. Piper: What are you talking about? (Cole disappears.) Cole! Paige: Looks like we just made a bad thing worse. (The guillotine unfreezes and the blade falls. Piper gasps.) [Scene: Egypt. Pyramid. Jeric is sitting on a chair eating a bunch of grapes. Phoebe/Isis wearing a two-piece jewelled outfit, dances in the room and over to Jeric. She dances in the spot in front of Jeric.] Jeric: Glad to see you're feeling so alive. Phoebe/Isis: It's this body. I've never felt so much power before, passion, desire. Jeric: Maybe I should leave you two alone. Phoebe/Isis: No, just because the witch is in me, doesn't mean there's not still room for you too. Jeric: Tempting. But I suggest to outrid yourself from her first. Come up with a spell. (She dances around him.) Phoebe/Isis: The witch's knowledge was very useful. Jeric: Then by all means, reward her. Send her spirit into the afterlife. (He stands up and gets a piece of paper.) Hopefully she'll have enough power to make it work. (He hands her the paper.) Phoebe/Isis: "Together no more through time, expel her soul, leave only mine." (She burns the paper in the candle.) Jeric: Well? Phoebe/Isis: I can still hear her thoughts. Jeric: Then you have to try again. (Suddenly, part of the pyramid wall explodes and Cole walks in.) Cole: Sorry, but that's my witch. (Jeric makes a dust storm form around Cole and Cole fights it off with a way of his hand.) Oh, please, is that all you got? By the way, my compliments on the tomb's protective charms. This place is not easy to get in to. Jeric: Who are you? Cole: Oh, Cole Turner. I used to be the Source of all evil. You're Jeric, right? I feel like I already know you. We've got so much in common. Jeric: Do we? Cole: Yeah, well, you know, we're both trying to get our love back. Unfortunately, your love is currently in my love and that's where we have our little problem. Phoebe/Isis: Your love doesn't want you back. I can feel it. Cole: Yeah, but that's where you come in. I want you to mummify her for me, put her on ice for a while. At least until I can figure out a way to win her back. Phoebe/Isis: Win her back? After that? Please, you're insane. Cole: Probably. Jeric: Leave us. Go back to where you came from. Cole: Not until I get what I came for. (Phoebe/Isis starts to sweat and shake.) Well, lets not fight. I mean, I need you, you need me, so let's just... Jeric: I don't need you. Cole: Well, I'm afraid you do. In case you haven't noticed, you're running out of time. (Jeric notices Phoebe/Isis. He goes over to her.) Jeric: Oh, no, it can't be. The others lasted longer. Cole: Yeah, the more powerful the witch, the quicker the burnout. It's really not very good. But I bet the Power of Three could fix that permanently. Phoebe/Isis: The Power of Three... That might work. Cole: I could get it for you. Interested? Jeric: We won't give up her body without a replacement. Cole: I figured. How do you feel about redheads? [Scene: A dock. Leo is waiting there. Darryl pulls up in his car and gets out.] Darryl: Leo, what are you doing here? Leo: I'm here to help you. Darryl: Well, Leo, I don't have time for this. Somebody called me and said the killer was here. Leo: I know, I made the call. I figured it would look good for you if you caught the guy. Darryl: You did? Where is he? (Leo morphs into Jeric.) What are you doing? You can't... Leo/Jeric: Go on, arrest me. (Darryl starts to freak out. Sirens are heard down the street.) Darryl: Leo, I, we, are, we are not going to do this. Leo: Come on, before the other cops get here. Darryl: I am not going to arrest you. (Leo/Jeric punches him in the face.) What'd you do that for? Leo/Jeric: I'd hit me back if I were you. Darryl: I am not going to do this. (The police car pulls up. Darryl pushes Leo/Jeric against a wall. He grabs his arms and handcuffs him.) Leo/Jeric: Ow! (The two police officers walk over.) Police Officer: Way to go, Inspector. Good job. Darryl: Thanks. (They take Leo/Jeric to the police car.) [Scene: Manor. Attic. Piper and Paige are there sitting in front of a map. Piper is scrying.] Paige: I'm telling you it's not going to work, we've already tried it. Piper: No, you've tried it. They baby and I haven't. If Cole can find her, than so can we. Paige: But you can't just tap into the baby's powers whenever you want. Piper: No? Watch me. Whoa. (The crystal starts circling out of control above the map.) Paige: What's happening? Piper: I don't know. (The crystal flings itself across the room and lands on a globe. Piper and Paige race over to the globe and notice the crystal has landed on Egypt.) Paige: I guess our map wasn't big enough? Piper: Egypt? Phoebe is in Egypt? Paige: On the bright side, we'll get to see the pyramids. Piper: Quips later, orbing now. Paige: You know, this happened a little too easily. What if it's a trap? Piper: So what if it is? I'm unbreakable, dude. Paige: Dude, I'm not unbreakable. Piper: You'll be okay. Here, faster, orb me, faster. (They orb out.) [Cut to Egypt. A pyramid. Phoebe is lying on a table. Piper and Paige orb in.] Piper: Oh, Phoebe. Paige: Wait, where's Jeric? Phoebe: Piper, Paige. Paige: She recognises us, that's something at least. (They walk over to Phoebe.) Piper: I don't know. Let's just orb her home and we'll fix her there. (Cole and Jeric appear across the room.) Cole: I told you they'd come for her, didn't I? (Cole waves his arm towards Piper and a portal opens up underneath her and sucks her in. Paige starts to orb out and Cole waves his arm, sending her to the ground.) Jeric: Very nice. [Cut to the manor. Living room. The portal opens up above the couch and Piper falls through it landing on the couch.] Piper: Ouch. Hey! [Cut to the pyramid. Cole carries Paige over to the table. Jeric walks over to Phoebe/Isis.] Jeric: Don't fight it, my love. Your new body awaits. (He leans down to kiss her and Cole stops him.) Cole: Hey. I told you that's my witch. (Phoebe/Isis takes one last breath and dies.) Get to work. (Jeric recites a spell and Phoebe is mummified.) Jeric: Excuse me. (Cole moves aside and Jeric walks over to Paige. He places the beetle amulet on Paige's chest and stands between Paige and the mummy. He recites another spell and a bright light flows out of the mummy and into Paige. Paige wakes up and Jeric goes to her.) Welcome back, my love. (They kiss.) [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Manor. Conservatory. Piper is there, pacing up and down the room.] Piper: Leo! Leo, come on, I need you. (Leo/Jeric orbs in wearing an orange prison outfit. Piper gasps and blows him up. Leo/Jeric orbs back in.) Leo/Jeric: What'd you do that for? Piper: Leo? Is that you? (Leo looks down and realises he's still morphed as Jeric.) Leo: Oh, (he morphs back into himself) sorry, I forgot. (He chuckles.) Piper: You forgot? What are you doing? And what are you wearing? Leo: This? They gave it to me in jail when they arrested me. Well, not me obviously, Jeric, or so they think. I just figured it would help Darryl get a promotion. Piper: I can't handle this right now. Leo: What? I told you I was gonna have to break a few rules. Piper: No-no-no, you don't understand. This is the least of our problems, which oughta give you an idea how bad our problems actually are. Leo: Come on, it can't be that bad. Piper: Unless I'm mistaken, Cole has teamed up with Jeric and tricked me into getting Paige possessed and Phoebe mummified. (Piper screws up her face and pulls at her maternity top.) Leo: What? Piper: I've had it with this outfit! (She storms out the room.) [Cut to Piper's bedroom. Piper and Leo walk in.] Leo: What are you gonna do? Piper: What does it look like I'm gonna do? (She starts to undo her top and walks into the closet.) Leo: I meant about Paige and Phoebe. Piper: Well, you're gonna orb me back there so I can kick some demon ass and honey, you know, you can change too. Felon orange isn't exactly your colour. (Leo opens the dresser and gets out some clothes.) I should've never gone to Cole in the first place. I don't know what I was thinking. Leo: You were thinking about saving Phoebe. Piper: Yeah, that worked out really well, didn't it? (Leo starts to change.) The one thing I don't understand is why Cole sent me back here. I mean, he could've sent me to the far reaches of the universe or worse but he didn't. Leo: Cole sent you back? From where? Piper: The only thing I can think of is that he needs me for something. But what? Leo: Well, whatever it is going back there, wherever there is, it'd be exactly what he wants you to do. (Leo finishes changing and Piper walks out of the closet wearing a black top and jeans.) Piper: Yeah, okay, but I'm not gonna leave my sisters in Egypt with two demonic perverts. I'm the reason they're in this mess. I lost Paige because I was trying to save Phoebe. Leo: Cole would never hurt Phoebe, you know that. And he must need Paige for a reason. Otherwise why go through the trouble to get her? Piper: So what am I supposed to do? Leo: You're gonna do what you do best. You're gonna go on the offensive and you're gonna summon Cole before he summons you. (Piper leaves the room.) [Scene: Egypt. Pyramid. Paige/Isis is lying on the table on her stomach, being massaged by Jeric.] Paige/Isis: Ohh, right there. That's perfect. Jeric: Yes, you're rather tense. Paige/Isis: It's not me, it's this witch. She's overworked this body and she doesn't deserve it. Jeric: Well, you'll have to finish the Power of Three spell if you expect to take it from her. Paige/Isis: I will, in a bit. Jeric: You can't put it off any longer. This witch is as powerful as the last and she'll burn out just as quickly. Paige/Isis: Just a minute more? Jeric: Sorry, I think you're relaxed enough. Paige: I don't. But then again, I always have been such a bad girl. Jeric: We can be bad later. (Cole walks in.) Cole: Playtime's over, boys and girls. Jeric: Do you mind? Cole: No, I don't. Jeric: Well, I do. Cole: Did I ever tell you, Jeric, that I have eyes for only one witch. How's the spell going? Paige/Isis: I was just about to finish it. Jeric: She can't expel the witch's soul without the Power of Three. How are you gonna get it for us? Cole: Look around. We're only one sister short. Jeric: Yes, but your love is a mummy. You can't expect her to read a spell. Cole: Well, she doesn't have to. If her spirit is trapped inside, all her sisters have to do is touch her to tap into the power. Jeric: And what about the third witch? I doubt she'll read the spell willingly. Cole: Leave it to me. I can be quite persuasive. Jeric: Yes, well, you better be. Because Isis is the only one that can bring Phoebe back. And if my love doesn't get what she wants yours will stay wrapped up forever. Paige/Isis: It's done. The rhyme's a tad childish but it should work. Cole: Oh, good. All we need now is... (Suddenly, Cole disappears in a swirl of lights.) Jeric: The witch must have taken him. Paige: Oh, he'll be back. The important thing is we're alone. Jeric: Isis... [Cut to the manor. Attic. Piper is there waiting. Cole appears in a swirl of lights.] Cole: Well, I guess I should've seen this coming. Piper: I want my sisters back now, Cole. Cole: Or what? You've got nothing, Piper. You can't even vanquish me. (She tries to blow him up and sparks fly off him.) Piper: Doesn't mean I won't try. Cole: Okay, if that's the way you want to play it. (He throws an energy ball at Piper and her protective shield splits the energy ball in two, making them hit objects across the room.) Ahh, impressive. Piper: Wait. (Piper tries to blow him up again and this time sends him flying across the room.) [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Egypt. Pyramid. Paige/Isis and Jeric are leaning against a post, kissing passionately.] Jeric: Isis. Should we be doing this? Paige: It's my body now. Jeric: No, I mean, how are you feeling? Paige: I love that you care. (They continue kissing and he carries her over to the table. He touches her forehead and feels her sweating.) Jeric: Oh, no. Isis, Isis, not yet. [Cut to the manor. Attic. Piper and Cole are still trying to vanquish each other. Leo rushes in.] Leo: Hey! What are you guys doing? You're both invincible. This is just pointless. Cole: The man's got a point, Piper, the sooner we stop this, the sooner you can save one of your sisters. Piper: What do you mean one? Cole: I mean, that you're gonna have to choose between them and if you don't, they'll both die. Leo: Why? Are you gonna kill them? Cole: No, I'm not gonna do anything, the cards have already been dealt. I'm just giving you guys your options. Piper: You're delusional if you think I'm gonna choose between my sisters. Cole: Am I? Isis is the only one who knows how to revive Phoebe and she's not gonna do that unless you cast a spell to reject Paige's spirit from her body. Piper: I won't do that, Paige would die. Cole: Fine. Then eject Isis' spirit instead. Then of course, you'd be saving Paige and killing Phoebe, because without Isis, there's no way to revive her. Leo: What about Jeric? He mummifies, can't he de-mummify? Cole: He traps spirits, he doesn't bring bodies back to life, that's Isis' job. So, of course as you can see, you have to make a choice. Piper: You sick b*st*rd. I can't choose and I won't. Cole: Then they'll both die. Leo: Come on. You're not gonna kill Phoebe. Cole: Well, that is why I am banking on your lovely wife choosing to save her. I mean, come on, after all, she's, like your what, half-sister? You didn't grow up with her or anything, you've only known her for like a year and a half, right? So compared to Phoebe she's like a stranger. Piper: She's still my sister and I will find another way. Cole: There is no other way and if you waste time looking for one, they'll both die. Piper: How can you be so evil? Cole: It's a gift. Piper: Get out. Get out now. Cole: But when you've made a decision, you call me, okay. Paige, Phoebe, Phoebe, Paige. Call me. (He disappears.) [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Manor. Parlor. Piper is sitting on the couch. Leo comes down the stairs.] Leo: There's nothing in the book that'll help or from the Elders. (Leo sits down beside Piper.) Piper: I can't do this, Leo. Leo: We can't let them both die either. Piper: I know that. How can I be so powerful and so helpless at the same time? Leo: Piper, your strength isn't in your invincibility, it's within you. And believe it or not, you are strong enough to do this. Piper: To do what? Kill one of my sisters? Leo: Or not. Maybe there's another way. I don't know what it is but whatever it is the solution is within you. Look, I know this isn't fair but like it or not this is the way that it is. Look, you are going to have to call Cole back soon, if you hope to save even one of your sisters. (Piper starts to cry.) Piper: How am I supposed to decide? Leo: Listen to you heart, honey. What does it tell you? Piper: It's telling me that I have to choose. [Scene: Egypt. Pyramid. Jeric is at Paige/Isis' side, stroking her hair.] Jeric: He'll be back with the witch soon. Paige/Isis: What if he's late? Jeric: He won't be. (Cole appears with Piper. She pulls away her hand.) Cole: You're welcome. Apparently she has made up her mind so drum roll please. Piper: Let's just get this over with. (She walks over to the tables.) Jeric: Who are you gonna save? Piper: Phoebe. Cole: The suspense was killing me. Piper: You do realise once this is over, I will find a way to vanquish you. Cole: You do realise when this is over I might vanquish you. Jeric: Enough. Isis is running out of time. The spell. (He holds out a piece of paper.) Piper: I've got one of my own, thanks. Cole: Ahh, got something up your sleeve, do you Piper? Piper: I wish. Paige, I know you can hear me and I know you understand, but I can't lose Phoebe. Paige: Just do it. Piper: "Two worn souls now burn inside where only once can reside, I call upon the Power of Three to save the body and set Paige free." (Paige's spirit rises out of her body and vanishes. Paige sits up.) Jeric: Isis. (He rushes over to her and helps her off the table.) Did it work? Paige: Yes, it did. And I know just how to celebrate. (She knees him in the groin and he doubles over in pain.) Cole: Ooh. (Piper tries to blow Cole up and he flies across the room. Paige goes over to the mummy and recites a spell. The mummy wrappings glow and vanish. Phoebe gasps and sits up.) Jeric: Isis? Paige: You really can't mess with sisters. (Piper blows Jeric up.) Piper: Well, at least they're together now. (Cole gets up off the floor and claps his hands.) Cole: Bravo, bravo. Congratulations, well done. You know, I gotta admit, I thought I had you there for a moment but you never really did choose, did you? Piper: I didn't have to. I figured if Isis knew the spell to free Phoebe than Paige would know it as well. Cole: Hmm, oh well, next time. Phoebe: Next time? What happened to you, Cole? Cole: Me? I've gone mad. (Cole disappears.) Piper: No offence but we really need to find a way to kill him. Paige: I'd say that's an understatement. Phoebe: I wish it was that easy. [Scene: Manor. Living room. Phoebe and Paige are there with moisturising masks on their face and their hair done up in curlers. Piper walks in carrying shopping bags. She gasps when she sees Phoebe and Paige.] Phoebe: What? Piper: Oh my god, you two could scare the hair off a cat, no demon dare drop by here. Paige: We're just playing hooky. Piper: Uh-huh. Well, Paige, you can't play hooky 'cause see, you're unemployed. Paige: I resent that. I consider my witchly duties to be a full time job, thank you very much. Phoebe: We're having a day of beauty. I'm showing Paige how to pamper herself.] Piper: You're beauteous. Paige: I'm getting quite good at it. I like it, it's free. Piper: Mm-hmm. Well, I'm glad, it's about time. Paige: It is, isn't it? I've been so long overdue, I'm so put upon. Really. Piper: Wow, turn a girl into an Egyptian princess for a day and look what happens. By the way, Lieutenant Morris called to say thank you. Paige: Oh, he got his promotion, that's so great. Phoebe: Yay. Piper: Yeah, apparently he got credit for the arrest despite Leo's little jailbreak. Paige: Whatcha got there? Piper: Maternity clothes, as if you didn't know already. Paige: You caved. Piper: Yes, the time has come. But I've come to the conclusion that if you've got it, then you must flaunt it. (She lifts the bottom of her top to show her round stomach.) Phoebe: That's my niece in that belly! Paige: She's my niece too. Phoebe: Hi, niece! (Piper strikes a pose.) It's your favourite Aunt Phoebe!

When Phoebe falls prey to a demon named Jeric, who is kidnapping witches in order to find the perfect host body for his love, Isis, Cole decides to attempt to make a trade: Paige's body in exchange for Phoebe being returned safely. However, thanks to Cole's decision, Piper is able to trick Jeric in order to save both of her sisters in order to banish the demon. It is only after Cole realizes he has failed to destroy the Power of Three, he promises the sisters the next time they meet, he won't fail.

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DOCTOR WHO The Sontaran Experiment PART 2 5:30pm - 5:55pm [SCENE_BREAK] SARAH: Linx! STYRE: The female of the species. SARAH: Linx! A Sontaran. Can't be. You were destroyed in the 13th century. You were blown to smithereens. STYRE: You may have seen one of us. SARAH: But you're identical. The same ugly... STYRE: Identical, yes, the same, no. I am Styre. Field Major Styre, as you will address me, of the Sontaran G-3 Military Assessment Survey. And your opinion of my looks is of no interest to my programme. Female number one, first assessment. Would appear to have no military justification. Offensive value therefore nil. ROTH: You won't get me. You won't torture me again. STYRE: Why did you make that disagreeable noise? SARAH: You killed him! STYRE: That is my function. I am a warrior. SARAH: Murderer. Murderer! STYRE: Silence! The moron was of no further use to me. I had already tested him. You, as a female, are far more interesting. And soon, I will have the rest of your companions. [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: Hello? Sarah? Oh, it's you again. Can't say I'm delighted. It's no use pretending. VURAL: Just keep climbing, nice and quiet. DOCTOR: If you insist. [SCENE_BREAK] HARRY: Sarah? Sarah, old girl, you here anywhere? PRISONER: Arg. HARRY: Sarah, where are you? All right, old chap? PRISONER: No. HARRY: It's all right, old chap. I'm not going to hurt you. Let's have a look. PRISONER: Water. [SCENE_BREAK] VURAL: Krans. KRANS: Go on, and no tricks now. DOCTOR: Behind you. KRANS: I said no tricks! [SCENE_BREAK] HARRY: Look here, old chap, I'm going to have to go and get help. You understand? The Sontaran put you here? What for? Do you know why? PRISONER: To... To die. HARRY: Die? Are there many more of you? [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: No, it's not the Central line. [SCENE_BREAK] STYRE: When I ambushed the GalSec ship, there were nine survivors. I have already used up five of them and I have been studying the free behaviour patterns of the remaining four. SARAH: So? STYRE: So it is useless lying to me. I know you were not on that GalSec ship. Where do you come from? What is your planet of origin? SARAH: Earth. STYRE: That is a lie. There has been no intelligent life on this planet since the time of the solar flares. SARAH: How do you know? STYRE: I have the reports. SARAH: They can't be wrong, can they? STYRE: Silence. You are nothing, do you understand? You are a mistake and must therefore be eliminated. According to my data you should not exist. [SCENE_BREAK] HARRY: Sarah? SARAH: Harry! Over here! HARRY: Sarah. SARAH: Well, come on. Help me. HARRY: Oh, hang on, old thing. I can't get in. SARAH: There must be a force-field. HARRY: Eh? SARAH: That's it. He's locked me inside a force-field, Harry. It's no good. HARRY: Well, don't you worry, old thing. I'll find a way. I'll get you out of there if I have to knock his bally head off and grab his keys. Just don't you worry, Sarah. [SCENE_BREAK] STYRE: G-3 Intelligence. G-3 Intelligence. Field Major Styre reporting from Earth base. SONTARAN MARSHAL: Well, Styre? STYRE: My report, Marshal. SONTARAN MARSHAL: Get on with it then. STYRE: As we knew, the Earth has not been repopulated. I have therefore carried out my instructions and lured a group of humans to the planet for testing. The results of my experiment indicate that they are puny beings, with little resistance to physical stress, and are totally dependent on organic chemical intake for their energy supply. SONTARAN MARSHAL: Thank you, Styre. Then your report is complete. STYRE: Not quite, Marshal. SONTARAN MARSHAL: Why must there be any delay? STYRE: Some inconsistencies have arisen, small mistakes that will soon be eliminated. My final intelligence report for the assault will be with you within the hour, Marshal. SONTARAN MARSHAL: It must be, Styre. It must be. STYRE: Very good, sir. STYRE: Experiment seven. Subject: female. Project: resistance to fear. [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: Sarah! Sarah. Listen to me, Sarah. It's not real.Do you understand? Nothing is happening to you. It's only in your mind. Fight it, Sarah. Fight it. Oh, Sarah. STYRE: Very touching. DOCTOR: You unspeakable abomination. STYRE: Words, Earthling, will never prevail against Sontaran might. DOCTOR: Why did you do it to her? STYRE: I did nothing. I merely resurrected those things which lay buried in the depths of her pathetic little mind. She was a victim of her own fear. And now, your turn. DOCTOR: Well done, Harry. STYRE: Worm. [SCENE_BREAK] KRANS: Now we know what happened to our mates. VURAL: We've still got a chance. If this thing intended to kill us... KRANS: Might have been the best thing. STYRE: Good. The final batch of material. VURAL: But not me. No, not me. STYRE: All of you. VURAL: But I helped you. I did everything you said. KRANS: What? VURAL: You said you'd save me if... STYRE: Oh, why should I save you? A traitor to your own miserable kind. ERAK: Why, you stinking, lousy swine, Vural. You tried to do a deal with this thing? VURAL: It was all I could do. It gave us more time. KRANS: That first night, he was gone for hours. Lost, he said. VURAL: No, I did it for us. STYRE: Enough of this bickering. [SCENE_BREAK] HARRY: Doctor. Not both of them. Murdering swine. STYRE: Field Major Styre, Sontaran G-3 Military Assessment Survey. Experiment five: human resistance to fluid deprivation. Data: subject died after nine days, seven hours. Impairment of mental faculties, motor reflexes and physical coordination noted after only three days. Conclusion: dependence on fluid is a significant weakness which should be exploited in our attack. As a rider to the above, we should also like to take into account the successful conclusion of experiment four, where immersion in the fluid H2O produced asphyxiation in less than three minutes. Conclusion: this species has little resistance to immersion in liquids. HARRY: Doctor, I thought you were both dead. DOCTOR: Not me. Piece of the synestic locking mechanism from Nerva's rocket. Popped it in my pocket. HARRY: Fortuitous. DOCTOR: Foresight. You never know when these bits and pieces will come in handy. Never throw anything away, Harry. Where's my 500-year diary? I remember jotting some notes on the Sontarans. It's a mistake to clutter one's pockets, Harry. HARRY: Yes, Doctor. DOCTOR: What's Styre doing here? HARRY: Well, he's killing people. He's on some kind of ghastly experiment. Look what he's done to Sarah. DOCTOR: Harry, Sontarans never do anything without a military reason. You look to Sarah. HARRY: And what are you going to do? DOCTOR: Find out what's behind all this. [SCENE_BREAK] STYRE: Experiment eight: resistance to pressure on the human breast cage and muscular strength. Are you prepared? ERAK: What are you up to, you lump of filth? STYRE: You are holding a gravity bar. At the moment it is a mere 40 pounds, Earth weight. I will increase that weight to 200 pounds. 300 pounds. [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: Hello. Hello. Don't be alarmed, old thing. Not going to hurt you. Everything's going to be all right. VURAL (OOV): Please! [SCENE_BREAK] VURAL: Please! KRANS: You murdering fiend! STYRE: He is not your friend, he is a traitor. Yet you struggle to save his life. 500 pounds. Enough. I must delay the experiment. KRANS: Erak, the knife. The knife. [SCENE_BREAK] SONTARAN MARSHAL: Styre. Field Major Styre, I order you to report. STYRE: This is Field Major Styre, sir. SONTARAN MARSHAL: Styre, your constant delays are causing alarm. We must have your report. STYRE: I am just completing my final experiment, the compressibility test of human tissue. SONTARAN MARSHAL: The entire invasion fleet is being held up. How much longer must we wait? STYRE: My programme was ordered by the Grand Strategic Council. The invasion cannot begin until all experiments are analysed. SONTARAN MARSHAL: Then get a move on, Styre. The fleet is waiting for my signal. STYRE: Very good, Marshal. [SCENE_BREAK] SARAH: Doctor. DOCTOR: Ah, Sarah, feeling better? No, don't tell me. No time. We've got an invasion on our hands. HARRY: Invasion? Oh, you mean Styre? DOCTOR: Him and thousands exactly like him. SARAH: They're going to invade Earth? DOCTOR: The entire galaxy suddenly acquired some strategic importance in their endless war against the Rutans. HARRY: Why on earth is Styre torturing people? DOCTOR: He's making an assessment of human physical limitations. Sontarans are very methodical people, and that might give us a slight advantage. HARRY: Oh, I hadn't noticed, frankly. SARAH: What are you going to do? DOCTOR: I'm going to take him on in single combat. It's the only way. HARRY: You're what? DOCTOR: Sontarans never turn down the chance to kill someone. SARAH: Well, you're not going to let him kill you? DOCTOR: Well, I hope not. I'm going to try and tire him out. He's pretty unwieldy for all his strength and he's not used to Earth's gravity. The thing is, if I can get him exhausted, he'll have to go back to his ship to reenergise. Are you with me? HARRY: Just about. DOCTOR: While I keep him busy, I want you to get into his ship. Now, once you're inside, this is what I want you to do, Harry. [SCENE_BREAK] STYRE: Increase to 600 pounds. DOCTOR: Styre. Still about your butcher's ways, Styre? STYRE: You? But I killed you. DOCTOR: Another mistake, Styre. You've fallen right into our trap. STYRE: Trap? DOCTOR: Yes. Those people you've been so cleverly evaluating are not Earth warriors, they're our slave class, the lowest form of human intelligence. STYRE: You lie. DOCTOR: Do you think those puny creatures could conquer half a galaxy? No, Styre. I represent the true warrior class. Evaluate me if you dare. Ah. Is that the Sontaran way? The mighty warrior sheltering behind his gun? I challenge you, Styre. Single combat. Or are you afraid? STYRE: Afraid? A Sontaran afraid? All right, come to your death. DOCTOR: Styre, it's not over yet. STYRE: I'll finish with you later. DOCTOR: You're weakening, Styre. You're weakening. STYRE: Am I? I shall kill you all now. But first, I have more important tasks to perform. [SCENE_BREAK] HARRY: Is this what you meant? DOCTOR: It had better be. Let's get out of here. SARAH: Doctor, Styre's killed Vural. He saved your life. DOCTOR: I know. Everybody out. Fast as you can. Come on. [SCENE_BREAK] SARAH: What happened? DOCTOR: Ask Harry, he did it. HARRY: What did I do? What is this thing anyway? DOCTOR: It's a sort of terullian diode bypass transformer. HARRY: Oh. DOCTOR: Yes. Sontarans, as I told you, sometimes need to feed on pure energy. And by removing that, you altered things slightly and the energy fed on him. HARRY: That's taken care of one of them, but what about the rest of the invasion fleet waiting to blast us out of the galaxy? DOCTOR: Yes. Well, I'll just attend to that. [SCENE_BREAK] SONTARAN MARSHAL: Styre, your report? The intelligence... What is this? DOCTOR: Your Waterloo, Marshal. Your intelligence mission has been destroyed and your invasion plans are in our hands. One move across the buffer zone, Marshal, and your entire fleet will be destroyed. SONTARAN MARSHAL: We shall destroy your planet. DOCTOR: What? Without Styre's report? SONTARAN MARSHAL: Next time, Earthling, we shall utterly destroy you. DOCTOR: Not today, thank you. (To HARRY and SARAH.) Brinkmanship, I think they call it. [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: Sure you won't join us? KRANS: No, we'll wait till that lot from Nerva get here. Thanks all the same. ERAK: Don't trust those transmat beams. They never worked too good. DOCTOR: As you wish. DOCTOR: I should stand back if I were you. I mean, it should be all right. But you never know, quite, do you?

The Doctor learns that Styre has been experimenting on the Galsec crewmembers to pave the way for a Sontaran invasion of Earth and decides the only way to halt his plans is to challenge him to a duel.

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-[Real World]- (Henry is on his bike, heading towards the castle playground. Emma is already waiting there in her squad car. When she sees Henry get closer, she gets out to greet him.) Emma: Hey, kid. (Henry rides past her.) Emma: Nice to see you, too. (She catches up with him. The playground is noticeably damaged.) Henry: The storm! Emma: It's okay - we can fix it. I'll talk to Marco. Henry: Do you think it's still here? (Henry starts to dig in the sand near the base of the playground.) Emma: What are you looking for? Henry: My book. Emma: Why'd you bury it here? Henry: So my mom doesn't find it. Emma: Hiding it under your mattress wasn't good enough? (He uncovers red metal box under the sand and starts to unlock it.) Henry: That's the first place the Evil Queen would look. Emma: How about leaving it with me? Henry: That's the second place. (Henry opens the box, revealing the book inside.) Henry: It's still here. Good. Emma: So, your mom doesn't know about the castle? Henry: No. This is our secret. (Henry closes and relocks the box, then starts to rebury it. Behind them, Regina arrives and calls out to Henry.) Regina: Henry! Henry! I've been looking everywhere for you. You know you have a session with Archie this morning. I should've known he was with you. Henry - car. Now. (Henry runs off, leaving Regina and Emma alone.) Regina: You let him play here? Emma: The storm hit it hard, but we can fix it. Regina: Well, can you fix a cracked cranium? Because that's what you'll have on your hands if one of these boards collapses under his weight. You're not thinking about Henry or his safety. Just ways around me. Miss Swan, don't let your feelings cloud your judgment. People can get hurt. Emma: What's that supposed to mean? Regina: You're the Sheriff now - it's time to be responsible. [SCENE_BREAK] (Emma and Mary Margaret are eating at Granny's Diner.) Emma: Don't let my feelings cloud my judgment? That's all Regina ever does. MMB: Well, she's just upset because you and Henry have a special place and she... She doesn't. Emma: How'd she find out about the castle in the first place? MMB: She knows everything about this town - she's the Mayor. (Mary Margaret's phone vibrates. She sees a text from David that reads 'We need to talk. Meet at our spot.') Emma: Everything okay? MMB: Yeah, I just need to go. Look, if it makes you feel any better, I think you're right. I see the effect she has on Henry. Emma: I wish everyone else did, too. (Mary Margaret puts on her jacket and leaves. Sidney then sits down with Emma with a mostly empty glass of whiskey.) Sidney: I can grant your wish. Emma: Wow. Sidney. You want a side of bacon with that whiskey? Sidney: You want to show this town who the Mayor really is? I can help. Emma: That's going to be kind of hard to do from inside her pocket. Sidney: The Mayor and I are done. Emma: Sure you are. Sidney: She got me fired from the paper. She made a fool of me in the election. So I started working on an expos on the Mayor's office, and I found something she didn't want found. Emma: Sidney, you're drunk. Go home - sleep it off. Be grateful that you don't have to answer to her anymore. (Sidney pulls a business card out of his pocket.) Sidney: Call me. Storybrooke deserves to know the truth about her. (Emma takes his business card and leaves.) -[Fairy Tale World]- (The Genie sits in his lamp, looking at himself in a mirror. The lamp is furnished with several couches and cushions. Suddenly, breathing is heard from above. He looks up and sees an eye peering inside.) Genie: Here we go. (The lamp is picked up by King Leopold. He rubs the lamp and the Genie is freed in a puff of smoke.) Genie: You awakened the Genie of Agrabah. You're entitled to three wishes - no more, no less. But you must know, that magic has its limits. You cannot wish for life nor death, you cannot wish for love, you cannot wish for more wishes. And once spoken, a wish cannot be undone - no matter what the consequences. So, tell me your first wish. King Leopold: Hm. Uh... Hm. I cannot think of a single thing I desire. I have everything I need. I seek nothing more than the happiness of all who set foot in my kingdom. Genie: Ugh. (The Genie sits down.) King Leopold: You are in my kingdom and yet, you seem unhappy. Genie: I have served as Genie of the lamp for longer than you've been alive. Life as a Genie is not...as magical as it may appear. King Leopold: So, you wish to be free? Genie: More than anything. King Leopold: Then, I know my first wish. I wish you to be free. (The two armbands around the Genie's wrists release themselves.) Genie: Can it be? Am I truly free? King Leopold: You're the Genie - you tell me. Genie: There are two more wishes left in the lamp. What will you do with them? King Leopold: For my second wish, I wish to give my third and final wish to you. (King Leopold hands the lamp to the Genie.) Genie: In my time, I have granted a thousand and one wishes and I have seen them end poorly a thousand and one times. Making a wish comes with a price. And that is why I will never use this wish. King Leopold: You are a man of wisdom, Genie. Now tell me - what will you do with your freedom? Genie: Find the one thing I've always desired, that my prison has kept from me - true love. King Leopold: Then you must come join me at my palace. I am certain you will find it there. Come - meet my family. (The two of them leave together.) [SCENE_BREAK] (The Genie and King Leopold are walking through the palace gardens.) Genie: Your palace is as lovely as you are kind. King Leopold: Oh, it's more than kindness, my friend. (They come across Snow White, who is picking flowers, and the Evil Queen, who is picking apples.) King Leopold: This is my beautiful daughter - Snow. Snow White: How do you do? King Leopold: And Regina - my wife. The Queen. Evil Queen: Hello. -[Real World]- (Henry is watching a construction team tear down the castle playground. Regina is off to the side, talking to a group of construction workers. Emma arrives and joins Henry.) Emma: Hey, what happened? I came as soon as I could. Henry: The castle! She's tearing the whole thing down! My book! It-it's gone. (Emma approaches Regina to confront her.) Emma: Congratulations, Madam Mayor. You destroyed the thing he loves. Regina: A dangerous thing that can only hurt Henry and others. You see me as a villain, Miss Swan, but that's just your perception and you're wrong. Learn your place in this town or, soon enough, you won't be in it. (Regina walks away. Emma pulls out Sidney's business card and dials the number on her cell phone.) Emma: Sidney? Hi. I'm in. I want everyone to know who she really is. [SCENE_BREAK] (Mary Margaret meets David at the Toll Bridge.) MMB: I got your text. What's going on? David: Follow me. (He takes her by the arm and leads her farther into the forest.) MMB: David, you're scaring me. What's wrong? David: What's wrong, is you're late. And the wine's getting warm. (They arrive at a clearing by the water, where David has laid out a picnic. The two of them kiss.) MMB: We have to stop doing this. David: We just started doing this. MMB: We have to figure out what we're doing. David: We will. Tomorrow. MMB: Okay. Tomorrow. [SCENE_BREAK] (Emma drives her squad car along a deserted road and stops near the end of a tunnel. She gets out and Sidney appears from the woods.) Emma: Alright. I'm listening. So, what do you know about her? Sidney: Fifty thousand dollars. Emma: I'm sorry? Sidney: Fifty grand out of the budget is missing and Regina is responsible. Emma: That's it? That's what you have on her? Sidney: The money is just the tip of the iceberg. We figure out what she's doing and it all falls apart - it all crumbles. And we'll finally learn her secrets. You see what she is. I see it. All we need is a crack in the mirror to show everyone. I'm telling you - this is it. Emma: Alright. What's your plan? Sidney: Tap her phone. GPS her car. Hack into her email. Dip into your bail bondsperson bag of tricks. Emma: No. I'm Sheriff now. I have to be responsible. I want to do this by the book. Sidney: She's going to know that you're on to her - sooner than later. Are you prepared for her wrath? Emma: Oh yeah. Sidney: Good. Because I wasn't. Emma: If you thought she was so terrifying, how did you allow yourself to end up in her pocket? Sidney: I used to think she was a different person. -[Fairy Tale World]- (A small crowd of people are gathered in a room in King Leopold's castle for his birthday. Snow White, the Genie, and the Evil Queen are in attendance. King Leopold goes up to the front of the room to make a speech.) King Leopold: No gifts are required to mark this special day, for they all pale in comparison to the greatest gift of all - my daughter, Snow. Snow White: Father... (She joins the King at the front of the room as everyone claps.) Snow White: Father, you make me blush. King Leopold: Every day I look upon your face, and I am reminded of your dearly departed mother. Who, like you, truly was the fairest in all the land. (Snow White hugs King Leopold and the crowd claps again. The Genie sees the Evil Queen get up from the back table and leave the room. Outside, the Evil Queen stands near her apple tree as she stares at the moon. The Genie joins her.) Genie: Not in a festive mood? Evil Queen: No one seems to notice my absence. Genie: I noticed. Such a lovely tree. Evil Queen: Yes, it's from my childhood garden. Well, the tree and I share something in common - neither of us can leave the palace and neither of us truly belongs. No matter how hard I try to please the King, he will never love me the way he loved his first wife. I'm trapped by the memory of a life they used to share. Genie: I know about being trapped more than anyone. Maybe this will lift your spirits. (He takes out a hand mirror and gives it to her.) Genie: So you can see yourself the way I see you. Evil Queen: And how do you see me? Genie: As the fairest in all the land. -[Real World]- (Emma and Sidney are sorting through boxes of files and papers at Mary Margaret's apartment.) Emma: When did that transfer go through? Does three weeks ago sound right? Sidney: Yeah. Why? Emma: Because those records are missing. (Mary Margaret suddenly comes through the front door.) MMB: Emma, there's something I'd like to talk to you... Hi, Sidney. Emma: Hey. We're just doing some work. I think we may have found something on Regina. MMB: Interesting work. Well, I approve. Sidney: You want to go by the book? Let's get a warrant. Emma: And what judge are we going to find that she doesn't own? We're screwed. Sidney: Or, there's my way. Emma: I want to do this right, Sidney. Sidney: Well, what's right is exposing her. Sometimes, doing a bad thing for a good reason is okay, right? MMB: Yeah. I mean, maybe you're doing something wrong, but if it's what's meant to be - if it's what's right - does that really make you a bad person? Sidney: Exactly. Emma: You two are doing a whole lot of rationalizing. Sidney: But look what she's done to you, to me, to your son. I mean, she's not going to stop, so whatever you do, you've got to do something. Emma: Okay. Let's start by talking to her. [SCENE_BREAK] (Emma and Sidney are confronting Regina in her office.) Regina: And just what are you and the disgraced ex-reporter accusing me of? Emma: Fifty thousand dollars was transferred out of a city account - by you. Regina: Well, as Mayor, I'm involved in many transactions. Check the public records if you have questions. Emma: That's the thing - they're missing from three weeks ago. You have any idea what happened to them? Regina: Well, if they're missing, I probably checked them out - as my job often requires me to do. And if they were checked out three weeks ago, well, that means they burned. In a fire. In a fire, that, if I recall, got you elected Sheriff. I have nothing to hide. (Emma leans over Regina's desk and stares at her briefly.) Emma: Okay. There's nothing for us to do. Let's go, Sidney. Sidney: Emma. Emma: No, she's right. We have nothing. [SCENE_BREAK] (Emma and Sidney are outside the Town Hall.) Sidney: That was your plan? I thought you were going to do something? Emma: I did. I planted a bug. You win, Sidney. Let's do whatever it takes. (The camera pans to a wire tap stuck to the bottom of Regina's desk.) -[Fairy Tale World]- (The Genie meets with King Leopold in one of the rooms at the castle.) Genie: You called for me, Your Majesty? King Leopold: I have reason to believe my wife's heart belongs to another man. Genie: Certainly, the Queen would never stray, Your Majesty. King Leopold: And yet, her diary suggests otherwise. (The King hands the Genie the diary. He silently reads it to himself.) Diary: Last night, a man gave me a gift. And though it was but a simple mirror, it awakened feelings in me that I abandoned long ago. Hope for love and companionship, even though I am trapped in my husband's court. King Leopold: Sadly, the diary does not name the man who gave her this mirror. I am not a fool - I realize that the Queen is unhappy and yearns for someone to love her in a way that I never can. And yet, I never imagined that she would betray me like this. Genie: Well, certainly the Queen would never act on these feelings? King Leopold: Love makes people do foolish things. Genie: And why have you called upon me, Your Majesty? King Leopold: I need someone with your wits. To learn the identity of the man who has stolen my wife's heart. Genie: And, what will you do to him once I have found him? King Leopold: That is my concern - not yours. Now, tell me, Genie - can you find the man who gave the Queen this mirror or not? (King Leopold picks the hand mirror off the table and hands it to the Genie.) -[Real World]- (At the station, Sidney is listening in to the wire tap that Emma set. Emma enters and sits next to him.) Recording: Miss Ginger, I really don't have time for more complaints about working conditions. The air temperature is not one of my areas. Emma: Scintillating. Find anything good yet? Sidney: Yeah, better than good. She made this call a little over an hour ago. Recording: I'll meet you tonight at Access Road Twenty Three with the rest of your payment. Yes, it will all be in cash. And I don't need to remind you that no one can know about this. Yes, I know it has to be tonight. Emma: Who's on the other end? Sidney: You bugged the office - not the phone. Emma: Well, we're just going to have to find out. Sidney: Yeah. Emma: A payoff in the woods. That's promising. Sidney: A payoff using stolen city funds. Emma: Let's go find out who she's meeting. [SCENE_BREAK] (Emma and Sidney drive along an empty road in Emma's squad car. They see Regina's car up ahead, which turns onto a road leading into the forest. When they get closer, Emma attempts to brake, but the car doesn't stop.) Sidney: Emma? Emma: It won't stop! (She continues to try the brake with no success. The car crashes into a sign along the side of the road.) Emma: You okay? Sidney: Yeah, you? Emma: Yeah. (They both get out. Emma goes around to the front of the car, while Sidney checks under it.) Emma: We're going to miss that handoff. Sidney: Emma. Emma: What? Sidney: You know that bug you planted? I think Regina found it. Someone's been tampering with the brakes. She's on to us. (Emma takes off into the forest and Sidney chases after her.) Sidney: Wait! Emma: The bitch tried to have me killed. I'm finding her. Sidney: Let's be cautious. We need to think clearly. Emma: To hell with caution. I'm going to find out what she's doing and why she's out here. (Mr. Gold appears in front of them.) Mr. Gold: She was meeting me. Emma: What are you doing out here with her? Mr. Gold: Just a little business transaction. Sidney: What's in the briefcase? Mr. Gold: Everything comes at a price. Land is no different. Emma: That's why you're meeting her out here? Regina bought your land? Mr. Gold: The very ground you're standing on. Emma: What does she want it for? Mr. Gold: You know, in business, I find it's best not to ask too many questions. Hurts the bottom line. The question is, Emma - why are you standing out here in the middle of the night with Mr. Glass? Sidney: You don't know what Regina did to me. You don't know what she did to her son. We can't just sit idly by. Mr. Gold: Of course you can. Be careful - emotional entanglements can lead us down very dangerous paths. -[Fairy Tale World]- (The Genie cuts an apple off of the Evil Queen's apple tree. He hears footsteps behind him.) Genie: I was beginning to worry you wouldn't come. Henry I: You were expecting the Queen? (The Genie turns around and sees the Evil Queen's father, Henry. He is holding a black box with holes in the side.) Genie: Who are you? What have you done with her? Henry I: The King has locked her away in her chambers. My daughter is a prisoner in her own kingdom. Genie: You are the Queen's father? Henry I: Please, take this to her. The palace guards won't allow me into her chambers. They know I'd die for her. Genie: But you... (Henry hands the box to the Genie.) Henry I: The King trusts you. He doesn't know that you have my daughter's heart. The guards will allow you in. Give her this box. Genie: Wait - I don't understand. What is in it? Henry I: This is the only thing that can free her from this wretched life. If you truly care for my daughter, I know you'll do whatever it takes to set her free. (Henry leaves. The Genie looks down at the box in his hand and notices a key sitting on top of it. He holds it up, showing a key with a skull engraved in the top.) -[Real World]- (Emma and Sidney pull up outside of the Town Hall. They both get out and walk towards the entrance.) Sidney: What are we doing here? Emma: We know she bought land from Gold - we don't know why. I'm willing to bet it's for personal reasons, but we have to know for sure. We need documents that officially link her to that land. Sidney: So, you want to break into her office? It's locked. And she's got a state of the art security system and alarm. Emma: If we don't show this town who Regina really is, who will? Sidney: Do you think you can crack her code? Emma: Yep. (Emma smashes the window of the front door with a rock, setting the alarm off. She reaches her hand in and unlocks the door.) Sidney: Emma! Emma: Who does the alarm system alert? The police. I'm the police. Two minutes for her to get a call from the alarm company, one minute to get her coat and keys, three minutes to drive here. We got maybe six minutes. (They enter the Mayor's office. Emma goes to the computer and hacks into it.) Emma: I just uncovered every file that references the tract of land she bought from Gold. Nice. (She prints off the records, and then starts to go through the drawers of Regina's desk. She uncovers a key ring with several 'skeleton' keys attached.) Emma: What the hell do these open? Sidney: I don't know. What are you doing? Emma: Looking for Henry's book. Sidney: We didn't come here for Henry. We came here for the files and- Emma: No, you didn't come here for Henry. Me? That's the only reason I'm here. (The lights in the office switch on and Regina enters.) Regina: What are you doing? Emma: Some kids broke in. I heard the alarm, so I'm checking it out cause...I'm Sheriff. Regina: Well, that was an awfully quick response time. Emma: You told me to do my job, and I'm doing it. Regina: And you brought him. Emma: Oh, well, he saw it while he was on a walk. So he's a witness. Regina: Hm. And what did you see, Sidney? Sidney: Some kids with a... Emma: Rock. Sidney: A rock. Regina: Did they take anything? Emma: I don't know. I'd have to do a thorough sweep to, uh, find out. Regina: It appears to me it's all just a prank. Emma: You sure you don't want me to take the place apart? Regina: Sheriff, your services are not wanted nor needed. Emma: Okay. Well, you know where to find me. -[Fairy Tale World]- (The Evil Queen is sitting at the vanity in her chambers. The Genie enters with the box.) Evil Queen: It's you! (The Genie sets the box on a table and they hug.) Evil Queen: My love for you grows stronger with every beat of my heart. But the King has read my diary - found my mirror. Soon, he will discover the truth about us. There is no escape. Genie: There is always an escape. Your father said what's in this box would give you your freedom. (He hands her the key.) Evil Queen: Yes, I believe it will. (She unlocks the box and opens the lid, revealing two snakes.) Evil Queen: The Agrabahn viper. A snake so deadly, it can kill anything. Genie: With a single bite. This serpent is from my homeland - I know all too well of its poison. But why would you have it brought here? Evil Queen: There is no happiness left for me in this life. One small bite, and I shall be free from this prison forever. I'm sorry we couldn't be together, my love. Perhaps, in another life, we will find each other again. (The Evil Queen slowly extends her hand towards the box. Just as her hand nears the snakes, the Genie grabs her wrist.) Genie: There is another way. What if the King...didn't live? Evil Queen: You would do that for me? Genie: For you, I would do anything. (They hug, once again.) Evil Queen: I don't know what I'd do without you. Genie: You will never have to find out. -[Real World]- (Henry is writing/drawing things on a piece of paper with markers at Granny's Diner. August enters and sits next to him.) August: Whatcha working on? Henry: Uh, no time to talk. I got to write it all down before I forget. August: Yeah, I hate it when great ideas slip away from me. Henry: They're not my ideas. They're stories from a book that I lost. August: Must be a hell of a book. What's it about? Henry: Stuff. August: Sounds exciting. Henry: You seem awfully interested in me and my book. August: No, I'm just being neighbourly. Henry: What are you doing in Storybrooke? August: I'm a writer. Henry: You can write anywhere. What are you really doing here? August: Stuff. Good luck with the stories. (August leaves the Diner.) [SCENE_BREAK] (At Sidney's office, Sidney and Emma are sorting through the papers they got from Regina's office.) Sidney: Blueprints, bank statements... Emma: What is she building out there? A mansion? Sidney: Well, whatever it is, it doesn't matter, because these escrow statements have her name all over it. You were right - personal use. She's done - we got her. What's wrong? Didn't you hear me? Emma: We stooped to her level. That's exactly what I promised Henry I wouldn't do. Sidney: Emma, we got her! Emma: It's fruits of the poisonous tree - illegally obtained evidence. It'll get thrown out in court in a heartbeat. Sidney: No. We don't need her to go to jail. Emma: Then, what are we doing here? Sidney: What you wished for - get everyone to see who she is. What she did to Henry, she does to everyone. She destroys what people love. Let me show you something. (Sidney pulls out a box of files and photos and puts it on the desk. Emma looks through them. All of the pictures are of her and Henry at various places around town.) Sidney: She made me follow you. She made me tell her everything. She knew about your secret place weeks ago. She just waited to destroy it until it would hurt you and Henry the most. It's all my fault. If you don't do this - I have to. Emma: Okay. [SCENE_BREAK] (Regina sits in front of what is, presumably, the council. The regular citizens of Storybrooke sit in the audience behind them. Regina bangs a gavel to start the meeting.) Regina: This session of the Storybrooke city council will come to order. We will begin by reading the minutes from our last meeting. (Sidney stands up from the audience.) Sidney: Uh, excuse me, um, Madam Mayor. I have something I'd like to bring to the council's attention. Regina: This is not an open forum, Sidney. And no one on this council's interested in hearing the boozy complaints of a disgraced reporter. Now sit down. (Emma stands up, as well, holding a binder.) Emma: He's not the only one who has something to say. Regina: Miss Swan, this meeting is to discuss issues facing Storybrooke. Emma: Like the Mayor stealing thousands of dollars from the city to build herself a second home? (Gasps come from the audience. Regina bangs the gavel to silence them.) Regina: Miss Swan, you will sit down immediately or so help me- Emma: What? You'll punish me? You'll bully me like everyone else in this town? No. Not today. In my hand, I am holding documents proving that this woman, your mayor, stole funds from the city to build herself a lavish home in the woods. And this disgraced reporter - you want to know why he was really fired? Because he stood up to her. Because he questioned her. We all know what happens to people who question the Mayor. You claim that you act in the best interest of all of us, but that isn't the truth, is it? The truth is, you are a thug that doesn't care about anyone, or anything, but yourself. That is who you really are. And it is time for the people of Storybrooke to know that. Regina: You are right, Miss Swan. I am building a house - a playhouse. (Regina pulls up the image of a playground on the screen behind her.) Regina: The accusations are true - I did take city funds. I wanted to build a playground so my son, Henry, and all the children of Storybrooke, could have a special place to play. Safely. As for the sketch in your hands, it was inspired by a drawing I found in one of my son's books. So, there you have it, Miss Swan. You've exposed me for who I really am. I hope you're satisfied. -[Fairy Tale World]- (The Genie enters King Leopold's chamber, where he is sleeping. He stands at the foot of the bed, holding the box of snakes.) Genie: Forgive me. (The Genie unlocks the box, releasing the snakes. He points towards the King's bed and the two snakes crawl under the sheets. The Genie walks to the side of the bed as King Leopold awakens. Before he has a chance to say anything, the snakes bite him in the neck. King Leopold gasps for air, while his skin begins to turn black.) Genie: The pain will soon pass. You asked me to find the man who gave the mirror to your Queen. I did - I am that man. You gave me my freedom. You gave me a chance to find love and, for that, I'm forever in your debt. But just as you freed me, so must I now free your Queen. Forgive me. (The Genie turns to leave, but King Leopold grabs his arm.) King Leopold: You were right - I never should have made a wish. -[Real World]- (The council meeting is over. Outside the Town Hall, Regina speaks to a group of people, while Emma and Sidney head for the car. They run into Mr. Gold.) Mr. Gold: Look at her - queen of the castle. You know, what you did in there was commendable, Miss Swan. But if you really want to bring her down, you're going to need a strong ally. Emma: Like yourself? Thanks, but I'm still not interested. Mr. Gold: Oh, one can wish. (Mr. Gold leaves and Regina approaches them.) Regina: Miss Swan. A word? Alone. (Sidney leaves, leaving Emma and Regina alone.) Regina: I don't know what you were hoping to accomplish in there. But now, I hope you'll go back to your job. Which is upholding the law - not breaking it. You don't think I know you broke into my office? Emma: Don't pretend like you're so innocent. I know you messed with the brakes on my car. Regina: Your brakes? Are you delusional? Why would I kill you when you just saw I had nothing to hide? Emma: Nothing I can prove. Regina: Well, until you have something more substantial than disdain to throw my way, you're going to stay away from me. And, more importantly, from Henry. Emma: But that's- Regina: Not open for discussion. You've lost the high ground, Sheriff. If I wanted to, there's not a judge in the world that would deny me a restraining order after what you've done. You don't get to see my son unless I say so. And right now? I don't say so. [SCENE_BREAK] (At the new playground, Emma is watching Henry from her car. Henry notices her and waves. He takes out his walkie talkie to talk to her.) Henry: Why are you so far away? Come out here! Emma: Sorry, kid. I can't today. Henry: You're undercover, aren't you? For Operation Cobra? Emma: No, Henry. I'm not undercover. Your mom - she doesn't want us seeing each other for a while. Henry: You don't have to listen to her. Emma: Actually, this time, I do. I screwed up, Henry. I got mad at your mom about you and the book and everything and... Well, we're just going to have to be apart for a little while. Henry: I don't want to be apart. Emma: Neither do I. But, right now, we have to. Don't worry - I'll find a way back in. And hey. If it's out there, Henry - I will find your book. Henry: Good luck. It's probably gone and it's probably never coming back. [SCENE_BREAK] (August breaks the lock off of the metal box containing Henry's book. He opens it and takes the book out.) [SCENE_BREAK] (Emma enters Granny's Diner, where Sidney is drinking a beer at the counter. She sits next to him.) Emma: Looks like we had the same idea. Sidney: Well, if you can't beat her - drink. How did we not see this? Emma: We did. We saw it all, right from the start. Just didn't want to look. Blinded by our anger - by everything. Sidney: This time. But there are a lot more skeletons in Regina's closet. And the good news? You got yourself an ally. Emma: We won't get fooled again. (They clink glasses.) -[Fairy Tale World]- (The Evil Queen is sitting in her chamber. Suddenly, the Genie enters and rushes over to her.) Genie: It is done. You're free, my love. We are free to be together at last. D-did you not hear me? Our days of imprisonment are over. Evil Queen: You haven't heard the news? The palace guards found the snake. They know it's from your country. They know it was you who killed the King. It's only a matter of time before they catch you. You will be executed. I'm sorry, but we will never be together. Come - I've arranged for a boat to provide you safe passage out of the kingdom. You must leave at once. Genie: The Agrabahn viper. Of all the snakes in all the world, that is what you chose. You wanted the murder to be traced back to me. You... You fooled me. You never loved me. Evil Queen: Loved you? I wanted the King killed, and you killed him. You are no longer of any use to me. Be grateful I'm offering you an escape. Now, flee the kingdom and never turn back. Genie: I can't live without you. I won't live without you. Evil Queen: Did you not understand me? I don't love you. There is no way we will ever be together. Genie: There is one way. (He takes the lamp out of his pocket.) Genie: There is still one wish remaining. I wish to be with you forever. To look upon your face always. To never leave your side. (The Genie disappears in a puff of blue smoke. A tapping noise is heard in the background. The Evil Queen looks in the mirror and sees the Genie, who is now trapped.) Mirror: No! No ! No! Evil Queen: Well, it looks like you got your wish. You will be with me - forever. -[Real World]- (Regina and Sidney are standing in Regina's office.) Regina: Have a seat, Sidney. (The two of them sit on the couch. Regina reaches for an apple.) Regina: Well? (He pulls a tape recorder out of his pocket and plays it.) Recording: You've got yourself an ally. We won't get fooled again. Regina: She bought it. Sidney: All of it. Regina: Masterful job, Sidney. Top to bottom. (She hands him the apple.) Regina: And cutting the brakes on her car? Inspired. Sidney: I'm glad you approve. Regina: Now, she trusts you. Now, we can have some fun. Sidney: Everything she does, everywhere she goes - you'll know about it. (Regina puts her hand on Sidney's leg.) Regina: I don't know what I'd do without you, Sidney. -[End]-

Dejected Sidney enlists the aid of Emma to help uncover evidence that could expose Mayor Regina as the corrupt person she really is to the townspeople of Storybrooke; and Mary Margaret and David continue their secret rendezvous while trying to figure out a way to unleash their unrequited love. Meanwhile, back in the fairytale land that was, King Leopold, who is the father of Snow White and married to the Evil Queen, stumbles upon a magic lamp and is granted three wishes by a Genie - who warns the king to be careful what he wishes for.

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Pam: Hey. How you doing? Darryl: Thinking about my grandmother a lot. Pam: Yeah. Darryl: She was about to turn 97. Pam: At least she lived a very long and I'm sure, a very happy life. Got you this card. When you're ready. We all signed it. We just wanted you to know we're thinking about you. Darryl: Thank you. "Congratulations, Darryl. Let's get wasted." "Have fun today, big guy." "Aww, yeah. Party time. Whoo-whoop." Pam: It's possible that some people thought it was your birthday. Darryl: "Hooray. Live it up big D. " "Days like this don't come often enough. Time to celebrate. You deserve this"? Andy: Birthday punches! [softly punching Darryl in the stomach] One two three four five sice seven eight! Pam: I'm so sorry. Darryl: [tears welling up in his eyes] Andy: ...thirteen fourteen fifteen sixteen seventeen eighteen nineteen twenty twenty-one twenty-two twenty-three twenty-four twenty-five twenty-six!... [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: ...So I got an early res at Blue Wasabi and I'm taking Rachel. She's picking me up after work. Darryl: Rachel from the party? Andy: Oh, yeah! Darryl: Nice. Do the damn thing. - Pow! [they fist bump and explode] Phyllis: Blue Wasabi is so good, but get the cheeseburger. They say they won't do it, but they will if you make a scene. Holly: Okay, bye. Okay, bye. [kisses Michael] I'll miss you. Michael: Miss you. Okay. I'll be in my office if you need me. Holly: Bye. Michael: Okay, bye. Bye. All right, bye. Bye... bye. Holly: Okay, one more quick one. Michael: Don't go. I don't want you to go. Oh don't go. Don't go. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Holly and I are dating. It's been a week, and I still can't believe it. [sighs] It goes to show that everything you want in life, you get. And you can't work for it. It just comes to you. [SCENE_BREAK] Gabe: And what do we have here? Erin: From my secret admirer. That's you! Gabe: Come on. [SCENE_BREAK] Gabe: I dominate Valentine's Day. I practically make romance into a science. [SCENE_BREAK] Erin: "Roses are red. Violets are blue. Look in the vase to find your first clue." Oh, my gosh. It's a romantic scavenger hunt! Gabe: Oh, close. It's a romantic treasure hunt. A scavenger hunt is where you find items from a master list. This is where you follow clues that lead to a prize. Common misuse. Good luck. Erin: But, there's no clue. Gabe: Well, get to work. Erin: I can't, 'cause there's no clue. Gabe: The puzzle is the clue. Erin: Oh. [SCENE_BREAK] Oscar: [clears throat] Michael: [rubbing hands with Holly] Are these numbers correct? Oscar: The numbers are correct, Michael. Michael: Okay. Oscar: [clears throat more loudly] Michael: Are you... are you sick, Oscar? Do you need to go home? 'Cause you're grossing me out. Oscar: I jus... I just need a signature. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: [getting out of a taxi] There you go. Thanks. Pam: How much did you give him? Jim: Big tip. Pam: Wait. I don't have my scarf. Jim: What? Pam: I'm missing my scarf. Oh. [both laugh] [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: We decided to have a Valentine's day lunch and then that way we can spend the entire night with Cece and avoid the Valentine's day dinner thing. It's a whole thing. Pam: [loudly] Yeah, lunch was wonderful! Jim: Shh. Pam: Um, there was an amazing buffet and there was a chocolate fondue... station. And what else was there? Jim: Um, bottomless champagne. Pam: Yes. Never found that bottom, did we? Jim: No. [SCENE_BREAK] Erin: Psst! Psst! Andy: What's up? Erin: Are you good at jigsaw puzzles? Andy: Are you kidding me? It's all I did every summer when my brothers were out sailing. Erin: Okay. Andy: But if there is a romantic thing with Gabe, I should probably... Erin: Oh! No, no, no, no. It's not weird at all. You have your new girlfriend. I have Gabe. This is just as friends. Andy: Well, okay then. Erin: Yes! Andy: At least until Stanley calms down. Erin: Oh, is he... Andy: D...d...d...d...don't look. I accidentally did his Sudoku. [Stanley glares at Andy] Erin: Andy. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: [on phone] All right, I will fax over it to you. Whoop. I will fax it over to you. Okay. Thank you. [chuckles] Dwight: Okay, my name is j...j...j...j...j...j...j...j Jim Halpert and I will fax it in to you... under you. I'll fax it under you. Oh, excuse me. I just p...p...p...p pissed my pants. Not really. I didn't really. [clears throat] Jim: [goes to hand Dwight a valentines card] Wait. Dwight: You're just filling that out right now. That wasn't meant for me. I will not be your Valentine. Jim: Aww, nuts. [laughs] [SCENE_BREAK] Angela: I don't know if anyone else feels this way and don't get me wrong, I love Michael and Holly, and maybe I'm being overly sensitive, but... the PDA. Oscar: Yes! The freaking PDA! Angela: Uh-huh. Oscar: Thank you! I mean, I'm thrilled for them. Angela: No one is more thrilled for them than I am... Oscar: Yes, yes, absolutely. Angela: ...but it's totally inappropriate. Darryl: Yeah, it's a little much. Phyllis: Mm-hmm. Darryl: Obviously, so happy for them both. Oscar: So happy. Yeah. Kevin: I don't know, guys. I, for one, enjoy watching them, because... Angela: No, stop! Just don't. Oscar: Kevin! Kevin: Can I finish? Can I finish? Is that okay? I was saying...I enjoy watching them because it makes me horny. Everyone: [groans] Angela: God! Kevin! [SCENE_BREAK] Erin: So tell me about your new girlfriend. Andy: She's neat. Uh, I met her at Darryl's cousin's party. We were the only two white people there. Erin: Aww, cute. Andy: Hey, look at that. Done. Erin: That's Gabe's boom box. Come on. We have to go find it. Andy: I wish you well on your quest. Erin: No, come on. Andy: Aww, I mean... Erin: [growling] Come on! Andy: Okay. Erin: Ha! [SCENE_BREAK] Gabe: [to Toby] I hear them kissing all the time. It's this horrible plipping sound. You know, it's like Chinese water torture. Just...[makes popping sound] like it's coming from my own head. Michael: Sit. Okay, just close your eyes. [massaging Holly's back] Holly: Ohh. Can you get lower? Michael: Oh, yeah. Holly: A little lower. [SCENE_BREAK] Holly: I cannot keep myself from Michael. Everything he does is sexy. He has this undeniable animal magnetism. He's a jungle cat. The man exudes s*x. He can put both his legs behind his head. [SCENE_BREAK] Gabe: Thank you all for meeting on such sort notice. Michael: [clears throat] Gabe: Yes? Michael: [sitting in Holly's lap] Yes. Michael Scott, Dunder Mifflin. What is the purpose of this meeting? Gabe: Seeing as it's Valentine's Day, I felt it would be apropos to have a little refresher course on romance in the workplace. Michael: Perfect. Yes. It is quite apro-propriate. Carry on. Gabe: First things first. An office romance is permissible. Not something you'd expect to hear from corporate. Well, guess what. Sabre is 100% tolerant of office romances. Ryan: Speaking of, Gabe, I don't see Erin at this meeting. Meredith: Uh, I also don't see Andy. Kevin: Oooh. Jim: OOH! Boom! Face! Gabe: I get it. Andy's slamming my girlfriend. Very funny. What I do not approve of, however, is public displays of affection, or PDAs. PDAs are totally superfluous to a happy, healthy office romance. Perfect example. Look at Jim and Pam. Pam: Yeah. What? Us? Gabe: They don't touch. They don't kiss. You would hardly even know that they were husband and wife. Jim: Did it! Pam: Yeah! Jim: Love it. Keep it goin. Gabe: Okay. So, PDAs. That's gonna include behaviors such as hugging, kissing, uh... Kevin: Booby honking. Gabe: Yeah, booby honking. Sure. Kevin: Butt honking. Gabe: Butt honking. Yeah, all the honking. Creed: The one where you start in a crouches position, then you leap... Gabe: Sure. Basically, there's no precise definition, but you know it when you see it. Ahem. Oscar: Are you guys listening to this? Michael: What, are you talking about me and Holly? Pam: Yeah! Gabe: Maybe you find your own chair. [SCENE_BREAK] Holly: So we kiss occasionally. Oscar: Not occasionally. All the time. Phyllis: Yeah, and it's not just the kissing. It's the flirtatious whispering. Stanley: The flirtatious tickling. Michael: Whispering and tickling have their place in business. Darryl: That thing were you softly exhale on her neck. Michael: I... Okay, yeah, that's pretty hot. I will give you that. Look, you are all hypocrites. You all do it. Dwight: Michael. Confession[/b]: I have done PDA in the office. Michael: Thank you. Dwight: I've had intercourse in the office. Michael: All right. Dwight: As has Angela! Angela: Dwight! Dwight: As has Ryan. As has Kelly. As has Meredith. As has Phyllis. As has Darryl. As has Creed. [Creed smiles and nods] As has Michael and as has Holly. Kevin: As has Kevin! Angela: With who? Kevin: She goes to another school. Michael: Okay. Fine. No more PDA. Oscar: Good. Michael: You win. But here's what we are going to do. We are going to designate one of our closets as a hook-up zone. Angela: No. Michael: Anything goes. Oscar: Just leave it how you said... Dwight: Michael, that's absurd. What if two couples want to go at the same time? Michael: Okay, then we have two closets. No, no, we're gonna have three closets, one for each base, no homers. Yes? Dwight: And what is the hook-up zone policy on masturbation? Michael: Pro. Dwight: Yes! Michael: What? Problem solved. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: No, no, it's great. I love working at Dunder Mifflin, a division of Taliban enterprises. [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: That's weird. I mean, that's weird to have s*x in the office. That's where you work, right? Jim: Mm-hmm. Pam: You know, you're in a meeting, and nobody knows that you've had s*x there, except for you and him. Jim: [snorts] Ew. [SCENE_BREAK] Erin: Don't mind us. You keep working. Darryl: Okay. I'll keep working. Erin: Oh, my God. It's a song. Andy: Whoa. Erin: What do you think is on it? Andy: [softy] We should actually probably talk about it outside or we might make Darryl mad. Erin: [softly] Not if we're talking like this. I think it's okay. He doesn't seem to hear us. Andy: I think he can hear us. Andy: [softly] That makes sense, 'cause I feel like I'd be able to hear us at this level. Erin: Darryl. Andy: Darryl is a jerk. Erin: No, he's not. Andy: No, I'm just testing if he can hear. Darryl: I can hear you. Andy: Oh. Okay. Erin: Okay. Then no more talking. Let's just play the song. Boom Box: [Gabe singing] The temp at night. The temp at night. The temp at night. The temp at night. Andy: The temp at night? Erin: What do you... Darryl: You got it. Pick it up. Take it out. Andy: Pi... Darryl: Pick it up. Andy: Okay. Darryl: Take it out. Pick it up. Pick it up. Pick it up. Take it out. Andy: Right. Okay. [SCENE_BREAK] Holly: Sorry to interrupt. Forgot to collect my things. Michael: Ah, the old "leave behind." Oldest trick in the book. Good thing it's working. Holly: Oh, no. Michael, I don't want to make people uncomfortable. Michael: Since when is comfort the most important thing? I mean, I don't... I don't sit on your lap because it's comfortable. I sit on your lap because I like the way your thighs feel on my butt. Holly: Yeah, but if they're uncomfortable, it makes me uncomfortable. Michael: Oh. Okay. Well, if it makes you uncomfortable, then we'll stop. Holly: Okay. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Holly and I are like Romeo and Juliet. And this office is like the dragon that kept them apart. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Hey, you know why people here are complaining? They are jealous of two people in love on Valentine's Day. Holly: Two people in love? Michael: I love you. Holly: Wait, wait, wait, what do you mean you love me? We've only been dating for a week. Do you mean you love me like, "oh, hey, there's Holly. I love that girl." Or you do you mean you love me like you love me-love me? Michael: I love you-love you. Holly: Wow, you love me-love me. I love you-love you. [both laugh] Michael: I am really disappointed in the office's policy on PDA at this moment. I love you. [shakes Holly's hand] Holly: I love you. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Yeah, whatever. No big deal. Just the hottest girl in the world loves me. [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: Okay, Ryan's the temp. What does he do at night? Erin: I guess we just have to wait until night and see. Andy: Oh, or maybe not. [turns out the lights] Erin: [gasps] Oh. Cool. Andy: How romantic is this? Erin: Super romantic. Andy: Right. Do you see a clue or... Erin: Yeah. Did you not see it? ["Eat at Hanks" is written in glow-in-the-dark letters above the door] Andy: Oh, my gosh. Erin: Hanks. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim and Pam: Hey! Andy and Erin: [bursting out of Ryan's closet] Hey. Andy: No time to chat. Erin: Sorry. Jim: Well, we were just looking for Ryan, so he's not here. Ryan: Hey. You're looking for me? Pam: Oh, yeah, we were. We were just looking to say hi. So hey. Ryan: No you weren't. Pam: No, we weren't. Ryan: You wanted to have s*x in my office. Pam: No. Jim: Definitely not. That's disgusting. Ryan: No. It's... it's cool. Just try to put everything back were you found it. Text me when you're finished. I'll be out here. Jim: Hey, you don't have to... Pam: That was so embarrassing. I'm gonna die. Jim: That was really rough. [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: Let me make something clear. Jim and I have never and will never have s*x in the office. Jim: No, because the office isn't what I'd consider a romantic place. Pam: Besides, we have something those other people don't have, which is a home and a bed. Jim: And a shower. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Hello, Holly. Holly: Hello. Michael: Here, shake. No! Holly: No, don't touch. Michael: No, we can't. Holly: No touching. Michael: No touching. Ah, I'm trying not to touch you. Holly: Oh. Michael: Oh. Holly: Almost got you. Michael: Oh, no, so close. Oh. No, we can't do that. We can't do this. Ohh. Holly: You're not touching me. Michael: I don't know what your body feels like 'cause I can't touch it. Oscar: Okay, this is much worse than before. Kevin: Yeah, I agree. This is nasty. Michael: Grab you here. Holly: And here. Michael: I will grab you here anyway. [laughs] [SCENE_BREAK] Gabe: You have to cut it out. Holly: Okay. Michael: Never. Holly: You said you would. Michael: I did say I would, but I was wrong. I can't stop. You don't what it is like to love a woman and have her love you back. It is a feeling that cannot and will not, and frankly, cannot be contained. Gabe: No one is a bigger fan of sexual touching than me. But with you two, it's reaching the level of a complex. I can think of three explanations. One[/b]: You're taking MDMA. Street name, ecstasy. I've done it, and I know the feeling. Holly: No, I don't think so. Gabe: Number two[/b]: You're desperately trying to fit in a whole relationship before Toby comes back from jury duty and Holly has to go back to Nashua. Or three[/b]: You're at an age where your sexual climaxes aren't as powerful so you need to overcompensate with foreplay, taboo behavior. Michael: Yes, it was that. It's that one. Holly: Yes. Number three. [SCENE_BREAK] Holly: Give me all your money and take off your clothes. Michael: We're not supposed to PDA. Holly: Come one. Nobody's looking. What's wrong? Michael: I haven't thought about you having to go back to Nashua. Holly: Maybe we didn't want to think about it. We can make it work. We'll date long-distance. Michael: That's what we said last time. Remember? We broke up on the drive. How's this gonna be any different? Holly: We weren't in love last time. Michael: I was in love with you. Holly: I'm not saying it won't be hard. But we can make it work. That's what she said. Michael: [chuckles, sighs] [SCENE_BREAK] Erin: Oh. One Erin Special, please. Hank: Here's your bottle of sparkling cider. Andy: Hey. Erin: [laughs] That's my favorite. Hank: I'm now supposed to tell you to enjoy a mind-hunt break and look for a heart or some [bleep] in the break room when you're through. [SCENE_BREAK] Kevin: [through the window at Michael] Hey, buck up, buddy! Darryl: Make that face he likes. Dwight: Hey. Hey. Come on. You're hurting him. Michael: It's like a time bomb... Dwight: Shh. Michael: ...is ticking down. When it goes off, no more kissing. No more hugging. Dwight: Just hush. Michael: Sexual time bomb. Dwight: Just rock. Shh. Michael: [into recorder] Boner Bomb starring Jason Statham. Or we go against type with an Eisenberg or a Michael Cera. Dwight: Movie idea? Michael: No. [into recorder] Saving the world has never been this hard. Dwight: Okay. Shh. Have you talked to her about your feelings? Women really go for that crap. Michael: No, I can't talk to her. I can't even look at her without thinking about it ending. Dwight: Kevin! Do more stupid faces. Kevin: Which one? I have a lot of stupid faces. Dwight: I don't know. Michael: Do the monkey face. Dwight: Do the monkey face! Michael: I love that. I love that face. Dwight: Good. He loves it. Good. Jump. Jump up and down. Michael: No. The monkey! Dwight: Go back to the monkey! Michael: Don't do the squirrel. Throw your poop. Dwight: Hurl your feces. Michael: That's good. Dwight: Good. Michael: That's good. He's throwing it. Dwight: They really do that. Michael: I know. [SCENE_BREAK] Erin: [at vending machine] B-9. Andy: B-9. Erin: Like a benign tumor. Andy: Maybe it's just more like, "be mine." Erin: Oh, yes. There's a note. "A little cookie for you, my miss. But the real treasure is your Valentine's kiss." Andy: Mm. Erin: Mm. Oh. We're suppose to...mmm [leans in to kiss Andy] Andy: Hmm. [points to Gabe blowing a kiss to Erin] [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Holly. Hey. Holly: Hi. Michael: Holly, I love you so, so, so much. And I think we need to break up. Holly: What? What are you talking about? Michael: Actually, it's Valentine's Day. Shouldn't be doing this today. I'll talk to you tomorrow. Holly: No, we're gonna talk now. You're not breaking up with me. Michael: You're gonna go back to Nashua eventually, and I can't handle it. So let's just...let's... Holly: What if I said it wasn't up to them? Michael: Who? Holly: The company. Nobody knows our future, but it's not gonna be decided by the company. It's not gonna be decided by anybody but us. What we are is up to you and me. Michael: Okay. Okay. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Ladies and gentlemen, I have an announcement to make. As of today, officially, Holly and I are moving into together. Yay! [claps] Thank you. Thank you. Oscar, this must be tough for you, watching this go down. You could not stand in the way of true love, my friend! Oscar: Are you kidding? I wasn't trying to break you guys up. Kevin: Better luck next time, pal. Michael: Well, the point is, there will no longer be any need for PDA here at the office between us because, when we get home, we are going to make love to and with one another, and that, to me, is the best Valentine's Day present that a person could receive. So I bid you all adieu. Holly: You do? Michael: I do. Oscar: Go on. Kiss each other already. [they kiss] Kevin: Suck it, Oscar. This must kill you. Oscar: I just told them to do it! [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: What? Pam: No. Jim: No. We took a walk. Pam: We took a walk. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: My perfect Valentine's Day? I'm at home, three cell phones in front of me, fielding desperate calls from people who want to buy one of the 50 restaurant reservations I made over six months ago. [SCENE_BREAK] Ryan: Anybody can be Prince Charming one day a year with the dinner and the flowers and all that. But you know what impresses me? When a guy can do that no days a year. [SCENE_BREAK] Kelly: Flowers, diamonds, three-course meal, violinist comes to my table to serenade me... [SCENE_BREAK] Kevin: Pizza, soda, the moon, someone to share it with. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: What are our plans for tonight? Umm... Holly: [imitates a squeaky bed] [laughter]

Michael and Holly's public displays of affection start to make everyone in the office uncomfortable. Jim and Pam have too much champagne during Valentines Day lunch, causing complications when they have to return to work. Andy tags along on a romantic treasure hunt Gabe has made for Erin.

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Act 1 Scene 1 - Cafe Nervosa Fade in. Roz is at a table, reading intently. Frasier comes over with his coffee. Frasier: Hello Roz. [she doesn't respond] I said hello, Roz. Roz: [looks up] Oh, sorry. Frasier: Oh, don't be. I didn't mean to interrupt your reading. Roz: Actually, I'm doing a little research. I have a meeting with a publisher tomorrow. I'm thinking of writing my own children's book. Frasier: Really? Roz: Yeah, it's a story my mom made up for me when I was a little kid. I tell it to Alice all the time now, and I thought it would be such a kick if I could get it published. Frasier: Good for you, Roz! You know, I dabbled in juvenile fiction myself. Yes, Niles and I when we were boys wrote a series of stories together in which we were the heroes. Along the lines of a "Hardy Boys" or a "Nancy Drew"... Roz: "The Nancy Boys"? Frasier: No. It was called "The Crane Boys Mysteries." We were two plucky lads who used their keen psychological insights to solve crimes brought home by their detective father. Roz: How many of these did you write? Frasier: Thirty-four. Let's see, there was "The Mystery of the One-Eared Monkey", "On Your Mark, Get Set, Die!"... Niles walks in. Frasier: And there was the one where our father was kidnapped and the only clue was a dented Ballantine can. Niles: "The Suspicious Six Pack"! Frasier: Excellent! Niles, pull up a chair. Niles: All right, I will. I can't stay long, though. [to waitress] Latte, to go, please. [He sits.] I'm on the way to the spa to pick up Daphne. Roz: Oh, that reminds me. What time should I be at the apartment tonight? Niles: Well, let's see. It's an hour's trip to the spa, and there's a two hour graduation ceremony at the end of which they all throw their fat pants into the air... let's say seven o'clock. Roz: Okay, great. I'll see you there. Frasier: Bye, Roz. She grabs her things and leaves. Niles: Speaking of Daphne, I was hoping you could spare her this Friday. I'm planning on taking her for a weekend getaway, where I think we may be taking our relationship to the next level. Frasier: Oh, my God, Niles! You're going to propose? Niles: No, not that level, the level before that. Frasier: You're going to ask her to move in with you? Niles: One more level before that. Frasier: Well, you're already dating... Niles: No, that's two levels. Niles makes vague motions to indicate moving on. Frasier: Oh, for heaven's sake, just tell me! Niles: Well, you know. We're going to... consummate our relationship. Frasier: What? Well, uh... Gosh, it's none of my business, I just thought you'd already reached that level. Niles: What made you think that? Frasier: Oh, I don't know. I guess everybody just assumed... Niles: Who's everybody? Frasier: Nobody. But Niles, you have been on overnight trips together, haven't you? Niles: Yes. But they were all perfectly chaste. Daphne wanted to wait until the time was right. And well, we've both just been missing each other these past few weeks, I think the time is upon us. Frasier: Oh, I'm so happy for you, Niles. Niles: Thank you. Frasier: Gosh, nobody's gonna believe you two haven't slept together. Niles: Who's nobody? Frasier: Nobody. The waiter brings Niles his coffee. Putting the cup down, he gives Niles a look and a little disbelieving shake of his head, then leaves. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene 2 - Niles' Mercedes Fade in. The back seat is full of balloons. Niles is driving Daphne back to Frasier's. Daphne: I love you, Niles. Niles: I love you too. Oh, hey, I got you something. He reaches into the back seat and pulls out a gift bag he hands to her. She pulls a red dress from it. Daphne: Oh, Niles. It's lovely. But I already have a dress like this. Niles: I know. That's it. THAT'S the dress you wore five years ago when we danced the tango. Daphne: I don't understand. Niles: It's for this weekend. Only this time, instead of ending in heartache, the evening can end...in triumph. Daphne: That's very romantic, but I'm not sure I can fit into it. Not yet, anyway. Niles: Oh, nonsense. You're as svelte as you ever were. Daphne: You're sweet. And it was cute when I came out of the spa and you pretended you couldn't see me. Niles: Who said that? Who's in my car? They laugh. Niles: Well, you worked so hard, you stuck with it. I'm proud of you. Daphne: Actually, I'm proud of myself. The staff therapist even complimented me on me willpower. Niles: Oh, so you did see a therapist? Daphne: It's all part of the program, to help you find the cause of your overeating. Niles: Uh-hmm. Well, if you ask me, it's a classic case of sublimation, using substituting food for s*x. I recommend you see a certain doctor, I know very well. He can help you. Daphne: That's not what Gloria thinks. Niles: Gloria? Daphne: The therapist. Niles: Oh. My patients call me "Dr. Crane", but whatever... So, what does Gloria think? Daphne: She thinks I may have gained the weight as a way to create distance between us. Niles: Oh, and why would you want to do that? Daphne: Well, when you and I first came together, we agreed to wait a while before bringing the relationship into the bedroom. Then as time went on, you told me all these stories of how you pined for me for seven years. How I'd been your unattainable dream. How could anyone live up to that? Gloria thinks I was terrified of letting you down, of not being perfect, so I ate. And ate. And, apparently, ate. Niles: Daphne, you couldn't possibly let me down. And as for the weight, that didn't matter. I never noticed. Daphne: That's another thing, I gained sixty pounds. Don't you think it's strange you couldn't see it? Niles: No, it's not strange! I love you. Daphne: I love you too. You know what Gloria says? Niles: [tense] No. Daphne: She says you couldn't see the extra weight because you were seeing the perfect me you've carried in your head for seven years. She calls it "looking through love goggles". Niles reaches for his cell phone. Niles: All righty, let's get her on the phone, shall we? Daphne: Niles, don't. I'm not trying to upset you, I'm just telling you what we discussed in therapy. Niles: I understand, I understand. Daphne: And I know how much you've been looking forward to this weekend, but I sort this out, I may need a little more time before I... Niles: Say no more. We can easily postpone the weekend. Of course, if my theory is correct, and you ARE eating as a substitute for s*x, then you're taking a terrible risk. She laughs at this. Daphne: I love you, Niles. Niles: I love you too. [SCENE_BREAK] OF COURSE, EDDIE GETS TEN PERCENT OF THE ROYALTIES Scene 3 - Frasier's Apartment Fade in. There is a big banner in front of the balcony saying "Welcome Home, Daphne." Roz and Martin are getting the place ready. Martin: Roz, you know, if you really want to do a kid's book, you oughta write one about Eddie. I'd buy one about Eddie. Roz: Thanks, but I already have an idea. Besides, if I were gonna use a dog, I'd probably use about my own. Martin: Well, you wanna make your dog happy, or do you wanna sell books? Now I was thinkin': Eddie joins the circus and he has all this clown makeup on and everything and juggles and stuff. And then you could do one where he invents this flying machine and has all these wacky adventures. Roz: That's kinda cute. He could join a flock of geese or he could become the world's first dog traffic reporter. Martin gives her a "What?" look. Martin: Eddie would never do that. You really don't get Eddie, do you? Niles comes in through the front door, carrying Daphne's bags. Martin: Hey, look who's home! Daphne comes in behind him. Martin: Hey! Daphne: Is this all for me? Frasier: Oh, Daphne, God we missed you. Roz: You look great, Daphne! Martin: Great? You look fantastic. I don't know what they did to you there, but what a difference! Daphne: Yes. I was getting pretty big, wasn't I? Martin: Big? You were gi-normous. Frasier: Dad. Martin: I was just tellin' her how big she was. Daphne: Oh, come here old man. She hugs him. Frasier: You really do look lovely, Daphne. Daphne: Oh, thank you Dr. Crane. But I still have to be careful what I eat. Frasier: Yes, yes, of course. And to that end, actually, I have a little surprise for you in the fridge. Daphne: Oh, you didn't have to do that. It's not some of those low cal dinners, is it? Frasier: Just go look. She goes into the kitchen. There is the sound of a pig squealing. Frasier and Martin begin laughing, Roz looks disgusted. Daphne comes back in, laughing Daphne: That's hysterical. Frasier: It's called the "Refrigerator Pig". It's this little plastic pig, he's got a recording in its belly, every time you open the refrigerator door, you'll hear his scolding squeal. Roz: So Daphne, tell us about the spa. Daphne: Well, it was lots of hard work. We had hikes every morning and sessions with a personal trainer. Niles begins pouring champagne. Niles: And a wonderful therapist. [to Frasier] You're going to love this. Daphne: Yes, there was a professional therapist on staff. Niles: Named "Gloria." Daphne: Who helped me dig down to the root of my problems. Niles: Gloria's very handy with a shovel. Martin: Well, she must have been very good. I mean, obviously, look at you. Daphne: Yes. Gloria's very empathetic, because she had a similar weight problem. Only she didn't have anyone to help her deal with it. She had to battle it herself for years. Niles: She didn't have a boyfriend she could blame? Daphne: Is there something you want to say to me? Niles: No. Frasier: Well I've got something to say. I would like to propose a toast. Daphne: I was very lucky to have someone like Gloria at the spa. Niles passes out the champagne. Niles: Yes, usually you have to go all the way to a hair salon for that kind of insight. Frasier: Well, Daphne, the important thing is that you're feeling better and that your back home, where you belong. Daphne: I better make mine water. Champagne is pure sugar, you know. She heads to the kitchen. Frasier: Niles, what the hell is wrong with you? Niles: Oh, Frasier, you would not believe the hack psychobabble this woman has filled Daphne's head with. Martin: Well still, that's no reason to be acting like an ass. So you just shape up and treat Daphne with respect! There is the sound of the Refrigerator Pig from the kitchen. Then there are crunching noises and Daphne can be seen jumping up and down. She comes back in. Daphne: Apparently that pig of yours can dish it out but he can't take it. So, how 'bout that toast? Roz: Oh, good idea. Frasier: Right. To Daphne, your warmth and spirit have helped make this place a home. Your influence can be seen in a thousand different ways. Niles: Unless, of course, one's wearing his love goggles. Daphne: That's it. Niles, I think you should go. Niles: What? Daphne: I want you to leave. Right now. Niles looks put upon, then sets his glass down and leaves. Daphne sets the water down and heads to her room, Roz hurries after her. Martin and Frasier look at each other nervously. Martin: Nice call on the "Refrigerator Pig". [SCENE_BREAK] End of Act 1 Act 2 Scene 1 - Niles' Office Fade in. Niles is talking to a patient and looking through his Rolodex. Patient: So, you don't think I have a germ phobia? Niles: Not at all, just a healthy sense of personal hygiene. [Niles hands him a card.] Ah, here's the number of the man who cleans my telephone. The best in Seattle. The patient goes to leave, but pulls his hand back from the doorknob. Niles: Oh, don't touch. There you go. Niles opens the door for him. Frasier is leaning against the doorframe. Niles: Frasier. What are you doing here? Frasier comes in. Frasier: Oh, I just wanted to see how you're doing after last night. Daphne caught me up on what's been going on. Niles: Wonderful. So she's talking to every therapist under the sun but me. Frasier: She said she tried to talk to you. Niles: No. She tried to blame me. According to her puppet master Gloria, Daphne overate because she was afraid that she couldn't live up to my image of her. Frasier: Well, there may be something to that. She does have seven years of fantasy to live up to. Niles: What fantasy? I have a very realistic picture of Daphne. I love her for who she is, I have since the very beginning. Frasier: All right. When exactly was "the very beginning" for the two of you, anyway? Niles: Well, don't you remember? You introduced us. [SCENE_BREAK] The scene cuts to their first meeting, from [1.03] , "Dinner at Eight." Frasier: Daphne? This is my brother Niles. Niles: You're Daphne? Daphne: Why, yes I am! As he moves across to shake her hand, we see that present-day Niles and Frasier are observing the memory in the background. Niles: When Frasier told me he hired an Englishwoman, I pictured someone a little more... not quite so... you're Daphne? Daphne: Right again. It's very nice to meet you. Frasier begins to speak to present-day Niles. Frasier: Look at you, Niles. The woman's a stranger to you and yet you're ready to hand her your heart. Niles: Well, I may have been a tad smitten. What's your point? He focuses on the memory of Daphne as she bends over. Frasier: My point is... Niles, pay attention! My point is your so-called realistic picture of Daphne has been clouded from the start by your intense attraction to her. The scene CUTS BACK to Niles' office. Niles: All right. Perhaps at the beginning I was blinded by infatuation. But over the years, I've learned everything about her. And my love has only deepened. I've learned that she is caring and, and compassionate. And she can be moody, sometimes. She likes jelly on her pancakes, instead of syrup. Uh, her laugh is like music. Oh, and that girl can dance! [SCENE_BREAK] The scene cuts to the Snow Ball from [3.13] "Moon Dance," as Daphne and Niles dance the tango. Niles: You're beautiful! You're a goddess! Daphne: I don't ever want this moment to end! Niles: Then let's not let it! Again, the present Frasier and Niles are watching. Niles: This is one of my favorite memories. See, that's the dress I wanted her to wear this weekend. Isn't she spectacular? Frasier: Indeed she is. Niles: She's perfect! Oh, oh, wait! Look at this. Watch. In the memory, Daphne throws her leg high onto Niles' shoulder. Niles: [smiling] I come here often. Frasier: I suspect part of you has never left. Niles: Can you blame me? Look at us! We're magnificent together. We're moving in perfect synch. Frasier: There's that word "perfect" again. Niles: I know what you're thinking. Just because this evening was perfect doesn't mean I'm idealizing Daphne. Frasier: Niles, did you hear yourself out there? You called her "a goddess". You can't build a higher pedestal than that. Who could possibly compete with that sort of image? The dance ends and everyone, the present Niles and Frasier included, applaud. Niles: That's not fair. I'm well aware that's just one side of her. I'm also acquainted with her ordinary, domestic, everyday side. [SCENE_BREAK] The scene cuts to Niles and Daphne in the kitchen of his apartment from [5.20] "First Date," chopping vegetables. Present-day Niles and Frasier are there, watching. Daphne: [in time with the chopping] Doomp-da, doomp-da, doomp-da, doomp-da. Niles: Hear and soul, I fell in love with you... Heart and soul, the way a fool would do... Both: Madly! Because you held me tight And stole a kiss in the night. Frasier: Oh, please! Niles: What? Frasier: Even your everyday memories are idealized. How long until the cartoon blue bird lands on her shoulder? The memory of Niles and Daphne singing starts again. Niles: All right. So maybe my memories of Daphne are perfect. Has it ever occurred to you that maybe Daphne just IS perfect? Niles begins to sing in a sort of scat fashion with the memory. Niles: I held you tight, It served you right, I stole a kiss... in the night. He laughs along with the Niles and Daphne in the memory. Frasier: That's it. I'm going home. The scene CUTS BACK to Niles' office as he gets off his couch. Niles: Wait, wait. How come? Frasier: I've nothing else to say. Niles, I love you. And I love Daphne. I just hope the two of you can work this thing out together. Niles: No, wait, don't go, don't go. Help me understand, why is everyone acting like I've done something wrong? The only thing I am guilty is loving Daphne, and that's all I've ever done. Frasier: Yes. Yes, and how did you love her? From afar. You were never in love WITH her, you were in love AT her. Now, you've been given a chance to experience her in a real relationship and yet for some reason, you're resisting it. Rather than see her as she really is, you keep holding on to the memory. Niles: No, that's not true. Frasier: Niles, the woman gained sixty pounds, and everyone in the world saw it but you. All you ever saw was a perfect woman in a red dress. A long pause. Niles takes a deep breath and leans back against his desk. Niles: Okay. If you're right - and that's a big "if" - why would I do that? Frasier: Maybe Daphne's not the only one who's afraid she won't measure up. Maybe you're afraid too. After all, if it turns out she's not perfect, then there's a chance things won't work out. Then not only will you lose Daphne, but you'll have wasted the last seven years of your life chasing an illusion. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene 2 - Frasier's Apartment Fade in. Martin is sitting in his chair. Frasier opens the front door, Roz is there. Frasier: Roz. What a pleasant surprise. Roz: [coming in] Break out the champagne! I just sold my children's book. Martin: Hey, that's great! Frasier: Well, congratulations, Roz. Roz: Thanks! You know, this young editor, he's like twenty-three years old, his name's Scott. And I figure he'll just be into action figures and video games and there I was with this simple little story, but he loved it. Frasier: Great, congratulations. I've been saving a very special bottle for just such an occasion. He heads to the kitchen. Martin: Yeah, while you're in there, get my very special can. Roz gets out her cell phone and dials. Roz: I gotta call my mother, she is gonna get such a kick out of this. Mom? Hey! Remember that story you used to tell me when I was a kid? You know, it was about the little girl and her grandfather? Yeah, well, I just got it published. What? Well you never told me that! Okay fine, just forget I called. Yeah, bye. She disconnects as Frasier pops the cork on the champagne. Roz: Well, you can put that away. Martin: What happened? Roz: Apparently I just sold my publisher... "Heidi"? I better get over there and let him know before he... Her phone rings and she answers it. Roz: Hello? Oh, hello Scott. I know, I just heard. Weird, huh? Martin: Hey, tell him about Eddie! [flaps his arms] Roz gets up to leave. Roz: I'm so sorry. It was a movie too? She heads out the door, Niles is there. Roz: Hey. Niles: Hey. He enters as Roz goes out. Niles: Hello, Frasier. Hi, Dad. Both: Hi, Niles. Daphne comes in from her room. Niles: Hello, Daphne. Daphne: Hello. There is an awkward silence. Frasier: Dad, what do you say we head out for dinner at the steakhouse? Martin: The steakhouse? Really? Frasier: What the hell. The blood's been flyin' through my arteries lately. Martin: Just give me a minute to get ready. Frasier: Right, right. He and Martin go off to the bedrooms to get ready. Niles: Daphne? I want to apologize for the other night. I was rude, and disrespectful, and I'm sorry I hurt you. Daphne: Apology accepted. Oh, come here. They hug. Niles: Thank you. Daphne: You know, I was just about to make myself some dinner. Would you like to join me? Niles: I would love that! She turns to go to the kitchen. Niles: Actually, wait, Daphne? I'm going to pass on dinner. Daphne: Oh, it's no trouble. Frasier and Martin come out from the bedrooms. Niles: Oh, I know that, it's just that...I don't really care for your cooking. Daphne: What? Niles: Well, you're not the best cook in the world. In fact, you're not very good at cooking. At all. Bad, BAD cook! Martin: What the hell is he doing? Frasier: Uh... Well, we're off. They head towards the door, Martin looks to Niles. Martin: God bless you, son! They leave. Niles: You okay? Daphne: How could I be, after that horrible thing you just said to me? Niles: Oh, I'm sorry, darling. I just want to show you I see you the way you really are. Daphne: And who I am is a bad cook, is that what you're saying? Niles: No, that's not fair. I, I thought this was what you wanted. Daphne: Well it still hurts. I have got my feelings, you know. I thought you loved my cooking. Well, you certainly could have handled this better. Niles: Well, then... I don't know what you want! I can't read minds, you know! And by the way, neither can you! Daphne: [gapes] Are you saying you don't think I'm psychic?! Niles: Not if you thought I loved your cooking! Daphne: Well, I'm sorry it's not that hoity-toity crap you eat! Niles: What does that mean? You, you think I'm pretentious? Daphne: Huh, you'd eat a worm if I gave it a French name! Niles: Well fine! If that's the way you feel, maybe I'll just have dinner by myself! Daphne: Fine! It'll spare you the hell that's my cooking! Niles storms out and Daphne heads for her room. Before she can get there, she turns back just as Niles hurries back through the door. Niles: I am so sorry! I love you so much! They embrace. Niles: I didn't mean any of those things. Daphne: Yes you did. And I did too. You're a pretentious snob with your wine and your opera. Niles: Well...you NEVER GIVE OPERA A CHANCE! You're too judgmental. Daphne: And you're a clean freak. Niles: Well...I hate your unicorn collection. Daphne: And I hate that your closet is bigger than mine! He reaches up to touch her cheek. Niles: Well...you're too tall! Daphne: You're too short. He pulls her to him. Niles: Well... They kiss passionately, stumbling up against the pillar and knocking over one of Frasier's statuettes. The camera continues to pan across as they continue. Niles: Oh, Daphne... Daphne: Oh, Niles... [SCENE_BREAK] Scene 3 - Cafe Nervosa Niles is sitting at a table, holding a cup, with a happy little smile on his face. Frasier comes in. Frasier: Ah, there you are, Niles. [to waiter] May I have a latte, please? [he sits] So, how are things with you and Daphne? Niles doesn't say anything and continues to stare with his faraway look. The waiter hands Frasier his cup. Frasier: Thank you. Niles, is everything okay? Niles slowly blinks and, without turning his head, shifts his eyes to look at Frasier, smiling all the while. Frasier: Ah. Niles: You know the best part, Frasier? It wasn't at all like I imagined it. They clink glasses. FADE OUT. [SCENE_BREAK] Niles is sitting in his office with a highly distressed patient. He has the same silly smile on his face. Whenever the patient looks at him, he tries to look serious, but often has to turn his head or hide his mouth with his notebook.

Daphne is returning home from the weight spa after her recent struggles with weight. She reveals that her therapist, Gloria, informed her that her weight gain stemmed from her own insecurity about her relationship with Niles. Niles is hurt and defensive. The next day, Frasier visits Niles at his office to help sort matters out. He suggests to Niles that Gloria's advice might be sound, as Daphne has seven years of Niles' fantasy to live up to; Niles insists, however, that he has a realistic appraisal of Daphne and her virtues. Niles and Frasier revisit several previous episodes in flashback (later incarnations of the characters are edited into the original scenes with chroma key compositing ). It soon becomes clear that, contrary to his protests, Niles has placed Daphne on a pedestal and has formed an unrealistically idealized impression of her and her virtues. Niles is shaken. Frasier suggests that this is because Niles is afraid of embracing the real, flawed Daphne in case her flaws prove too much for the relationship to survive, thus resulting in Niles having spent the previous seven years pining for nothing more than a dream.

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Frontios by Christopher H. Bidmead Part Three 6:40pm - 7:05pm [SCENE_BREAK] 1, INT: MINES (Turlough is being looked after by Range. He is seated in the cave. He looks very dazed. Tegan is also there.) TEGAN: What happened? RANGE: I don't know. The Doctor's gone to investigate. TEGAN: You take care of him; the Doctor will probably need some help. RANGE: No! Wait! (Tegan doesn't stop though.) RANGE: What happened in there? Please tell me. Is my daughter safe? (But Turlough seems incapable of responding. He looks dazed.) [SCENE_BREAK] 2, INT: MINES (In a large cave, Norna is surrounded by a group of scaled, insect-like creatures - Tractators. They seem to be exerting some sort of force on her, holding her immobile. Elsewhere, the Doctor is watching.) DOCTOR: So they're Tractators. (Suddenly the Doctor spots Tegan across the other side of the cave.) DOCTOR: No Tegan! Get back! (He ducks behind a boulder, and Tegan stays out of view. One of the Tractators, bigger than the others and with a different face, turns around. The Doctor gradually puts his head up to see, but is immediately captured by the force emitted by the Tractator. It is seemingly a tractor beam of some sort and the Doctor is helplessly herded into the circle to join Norna. Tegan has been watching, and she moves behind the Tractators and throws her lamp on the ground, causing a big green flash. The Tractators scatter.) TEGAN: Are you alright? DOCTOR: Get her out of here. I'll hold them off. (Tegan and Norna start to leave.) TEGAN: But Doctor... DOCTOR: OUT! (He gives Tegan his lamp and they run off.) [SCENE_BREAK] 3, EXT: FRONTIOS (The Orderlies succeed in breaking down the door of the medical shelter, and they emerge with Brazen not far behind.) BRAZEN: Alright, listen you lot! The retrograde element is out in strength. Emergency discipline procedures apply from this moment on - desertion, looting, insubordination will suffer the highest penalty! (He calms down) Right. First we find the Doctor. (They start to walk off, and they see a group of looters running from the ship. Brazen is furious.) BRAZEN: Alright, you lot! You've got one minute to CLEAR THIS AREA!!! [SCENE_BREAK] 4, INT: MINES (Range is still trying to get something out of Turlough. Tegan and Norna return.) RANGE: Norna! Thank goodness you're safe. Where's the Doctor? TEGAN: I'm going back for him. NORNA: No, it's too dangerous! TEGAN: We can't leave him there! RANGE: Norna, you stay here with Turlough. I'm coming with you. TEGAN: No, thanks all the same, but the Doctor's my responsibility. (She runs off.) RANGE: No...that's foolish to go into those tunnels alone. Look after the boy. I won't be long. NORNA: No! (Range leaves.) [SCENE_BREAK] 5, INT: MINES (The Doctor stands around, until he notices two Tractators coming towards him. He hides behind a boulder. Suddenly the boulder starts moving, affected by the Tractator's power.) DOCTOR: Oh no... (The Doctor grabs the boulder, resisting its movement. The Doctor suddenly has an idea.) DOCTOR: ...On the other hand...just a touch of...spin...! (He rolls the boulder himself now, gathering momentum, and then, with a tremendous heave, rolls it straight into the two Tractators. The Doctor ends up on the ground.) DOCTOR: Howzat? (He gets up and runs off.) [SCENE_BREAK] 6, INT: MINES (Tegan is elsewhere in the mines.) TEGAN: Don't tell me you're lost, Doctor. Because if you are...so am I. (The Doctor walks around until he spots her.) DOCTOR: Ah, the proverbial light at the end of the tunnel. (But as he is about to move off, the Tractator's gravity force surrounds him. He tries to walk.) DOCTOR: Almost like walking through treacle! (He loses control and falls on his stomach, dragged backwards by the force.) TEGAN: Hold on Doctor, I'll give you a hand! DOCTOR: No! Stay back! (Tegan runs up and grabs his hand, but she can't drag him against the force.) TEGAN: It's alright Doctor, I've got you... What's happening? DOCTOR: Some sort of gravity beam - from the Tractators! (He sees Range approaching.) DOCTOR: No no! Stay back! Get everyone back to the Research Room! (The Doctor and Tegan are dragged away by the force. Range also leaves. The Doctor and Tegan are continuously dragged to another part of the mine.) TEGAN: Doctor, think of something! DOCTOR: Oh, I am - lots of things - nothing that quite fits the...gravity of the situation! (They are dragged even further away.) [SCENE_BREAK] 7, INT: MINES (Turlough is actually speaking again. It doesn't really sound like him though, more as if he were deliriously rambling instead.) TURLOUGH: ...My home...Tractators...I've seen all this before... (Range runs up.) RANGE: Quick, we must get him to the surface and get help. NORNA: But he's speaking, Father. I think it's important. TURLOUGH: They were there...WAITING...destroying us from inside... NORNA: Sounds like something coming up from his past, like a memory picture. TURLOUGH: Once...long ago...on my home... NORNA: You remember them? TURLOUGH: WE REMEMBER THEM! THE PEOPLE OF MY PLANET WILL NEVER FORGET! RANGE: It's more than his past. It's more like deep ancestral memory. TURLOUGH: TRACTATORS! Once...long ago...my home was...AN INFECTION!!! (Turlough is effectively frothing at the mouth, and he still looks as though he's in a trance from unlocking the memories.) [SCENE_BREAK] 8, INT: MINES (The Doctor and Tegan are sliding along, controlled by the force.) DOCTOR: Give me the lamp! TEGAN: What are you gonna do? DOCTOR: Wait until we're closer! [SCENE_BREAK] 9, INT: COLONY SHIP (Brazen leads two Orderlies through the corridors of the ship.) [SCENE_BREAK] 10, INT: STATE ROOM (Cockerill is packing food into a box. Brazen walks in.) BRAZEN: You, Cockerill? This is looting! Anything to say? COCKERILL: What? It's all over. Can't you see that? BRAZEN: For you, yes. COCKERILL: For Frontios. Plantagenet's been eaten by the earth. BRAZEN: Is that what they're saying? [SCENE_BREAK] 11, INT: CAVES (Tegan and the Doctor continue to slide.) DOCTOR: Hold on! Now! (He throws the lamp, and it explodes. There is a loud noise from the Tractator controlling them, and then they are released from its control. They stand up.) DOCTOR: Better get out of here. (They turn and run.) [SCENE_BREAK] 12, INT: STATE ROOM COCKERILL: The line of leadership is destroyed, and now it's every man for himself. BRAZEN: Where do you glean all this information? COCKERILL: It's common knowledge. BRAZEN: Common knowledge? You sound like a Retrograde! COCKERILL: We're all Rets now, Brazen. (Brazen grabs the box out of Cockerill's arms, then indicates to his Orderlies.) BRAZEN: Take him away. (They all walk out.) [SCENE_BREAK] 13, INT: CAVES (Norna and Range are effectively carrying the dazed Turlough through the caves.) RANGE: Steady, young man. Not much further to go. NORNA: Wait a minute, father... (She leaves Turlough's side and goes over to pick up a piece of shiny material near them.) NORNA: It's a map. RANGE: That's Captain Revere's writing. NORNA: Then that proves it; he must've known about the caves and tunnels. RANGE: And more than that perhaps. NORNA: You don't suppose he knew about the creatures? RANGE: Well, he must've suspected something if he was down this far. NORNA: Well, why not tell the people of Frontios?! RANGE: Hmm. The conspiracy of silence. I've been collecting evidence all these years... NORNA: You don't think they're connected, the unaccountable deaths and...these creatures? RANGE: There is a connection. That girl Tegan told me she saw... Come on, we must hurry. (They go over to the wall where Turlough has made his way to, and try to get his attention, but he flinches when they touch him.) TURLOUGH: The earth is hungry...it waits to eat... NORNA: He's forcing himself to remember. TURLOUGH: I can see them! They are the appetite beneath the GROUND!! [SCENE_BREAK] 14, EXT: FRONTIOS (Cockerill is escorted outside. Brazen shoves the box of food back into his arms.) COCKERILL: You're letting me go? BRAZEN: I don't need you. (He starts to move off.) COCKERILL: This colony is finished, and everyone knows it - except for those who are too stupid to think for themselves! BRAZEN: You've got enough food there to last...a few days. What then!? COCKERILL: I don't know. BRAZEN: It's not easy to live inside this system. But to live outside of it takes more than you've got. (Cockerill turns to go, but he hasn't gone more than ten metres before a group of Retrogrades set upon him, beating him up and taking the food. Brazen just watches.) BRAZEN: Leave him be. He's made his choice. [SCENE_BREAK] 15, INT: MINES RANGE: We must get help. NORNA: This may be the help we need, Father. It's here that he remembers best. (To Turlough) You can see them under the ground? What are they doing? TURLOUGH: ...Growing...Breeding...Spreading the infection. NORNA: How do they do that? (Turlough looks like he's in great pain.) TURLOUGH: ...I can't see it...THERE'S A WALL!!! RANGE: An emotional block, something he doesn't want to face. NORNA: Try to get through the wall! TURLOUGH: ...Black walls...smooth...they shine like glass... NORNA: You can see through glass - look through it! TURLOUGH: ...No!...IT'S EVIL!...I CAN'T LOOK!!! (Turlough collapses, almost in tears, his mind seemingly broken. Range and Norna try and hold him upright.) RANGE: That's enough; we must get him out of here. (They have to drag him along as they head towards the exit to the mines.) [SCENE_BREAK] 16, EXT: FRONTIOS (Cockerill lies still on the earth, his face bruised and bloodied. Small areas of soil start to slip further down into the ground...) [SCENE_BREAK] 17, INT: MINES (Norna and Range bring Turlough towards the ladder. But as Range starts to climb...) BRAZEN: (OOV) Ah. Mr. Range... [SCENE_BREAK] 18, INT: RESEARCH ROOM BRAZEN: We've been waiting for you. I have a file here which contents amount to a charge of sedition! Bring them along to the State Room. [SCENE_BREAK] 19, INT: MINES (Range and Norna look around to see Orderlies coming into sight, surrounding them at the bottom of the ladder.) [SCENE_BREAK] 20, EXT: FRONTIOS (Cockerill wakes up. He realizes that he is being sucked down slowly into the ground. He looks up and sees the group of Retrogrades watching him.) COCKERILL: ...help me! Please, someone! Help me! (They shake their heads. Cockerill now has soil covering most of his arms as he gets sucked further down.) COCKERILL: Help me! [SCENE_BREAK] 21, INT: MINES (Tegan and the Doctor are walking around in the caves quietly.) TEGAN: If only we knew more about these creatures. DOCTOR: I suspect Turlough can help us with that, as soon as we get back... (He quickly stops and turns around.) DOCTOR: ...Get back. TEGAN: I heard you the first time. DOCTOR: Against the wall! There are more of them. (They see a Tractator with its gravity beam going towards the roof of the caves.) TEGAN: What's it doing? DOCTOR: There's someone up there it wants to get down. [SCENE_BREAK] 22, EXT: FRONTIOS (Cockerill is that someone, and he continues to plead with the Retrogrades. He is now almost fully submerged.) COCKERILL: HELP ME! (He starts to fade away as Plantagenet did.) [SCENE_BREAK] 23, INT: MINES (The Doctor has withdrawn a cricket ball from his pocket.) DOCTOR: I'm going to try...an experiment. (The Tractator turns around to face them.) TEGAN: Too late, it's seen us! [SCENE_BREAK] 24, EXT: FRONTIOS (Cockerill, no longer in the Tractator's beam, throws himself out of the earth and stands up. The Retrogrades are impressed.) RETROGRADE: He outlived the hunger of the earth! A man who can do that can do anything! [SCENE_BREAK] 25, INT: STATE ROOM (In the State Room, a female deputy is seated and she addresses Range who is on trial. Brazen stands back from the deputy, and Norna and Turlough are back behind Range. Turlough is seated and he still looks dazed.) DEPUTY: Do I understand then, Mr. Range, that you admit to keeping private and secret medical records? RANGE: I'm the Chief Science Officer. DEPUTY: Of course. And these records purport in part to contain a history of...'mysterious disappearances'? RANGE: The records are accurate. Ever since our first arrival on this planet there have been cases... DEPUTY: (interrupting) We all know the myths going about the place, Mr. Range. No need to elaborate them here. RANGE: But are they myths? That's the point! BRAZEN: Address the deputy, Mr. Range. It's the facts we're after - not a public debate! RANGE: But these are the facts; bodies of the dead that have not been recovered; work personnel in the quarry unaccounted for. I even have one reliable eyewitness account of a corpse disappearing into the earth! DEPUTY: Quite. But for some reason you chose to keep these...happenings secret. RANGE: No, the State made them a secret. I merely collected the records. BRAZEN: I'm a plain speaking man, Mr. Range. You've been collecting this garbage in order to subvert law and order on Frontios, haven't you? Now admit it! RANGE: Plantagenet accuses me of that? DEPUTY: That is correct. RANGE: Then where is he? (The Deputy remains silent.) RANGE: I know why he isn't here. The Doctor's friend told me what she saw in the medical shelter. 'Frontios buries its own dead', that's what they say, isn't it? DEPUTY: So runs the myth. RANGE: She saw that myth. She saw Plantagenet being eaten by the earth. TURLOUGH: ...eaten...by the earth... DEPUTY: He has some contribution to offer? TURLOUGH: They live in the ground below...pulling us to them in our times of weakness... DEPUTY: Please, we have work to do... TURLOUGH: DEAD or alive, ...their forces...dug at our bodies. BRAZEN: What do you know about this? NORNA: Leave him alone! RANGE: He's in shock, he needs warmth and rest. BRAZEN: And I need answers, Mr. Range! (To Orderlies) Wait outside, you two. (They leave.) BRAZEN: (To Deputy) Off the record, I think. (To Turlough) They...you say. Who are they? (Turlough looks at Brazen silently.) RANGE: I warn you as a medical man, he's in no state to be questioned! BRAZEN: And you're out of order, Mr. Range! If there's a grain of truth in this story of yours, then these are important matters of State! Do you expect me to delay the investigation just because this young man is feeling delicate?! (Addressing Turlough again) Your name's Turlough, eh? (Turlough nods.) BRAZEN: Well now, Turlough, I want to hear...all about this. (Turlough stares at him, he looks confused.) [SCENE_BREAK] 26, INT: MINES (The Doctor and Tegan still look for a way out.) TEGAN: We've got to find the way out. DOCTOR: Well, sometimes it's easier to look for the way in, and then work backwards. TEGAN: Oh, come on Doctor, all these tunnels look the same! DOCTOR: Oh, but they aren't... (He bends down and picks up a handful of chippings from the ground.) DOCTOR: What do you make of these? TEGAN: Just loose chippings... DOCTOR: Hmm...these chippings have recently been machined from these walls. TEGAN: They have machines? DOCTOR: Functionally advanced ones, at that. They're creating an extensive and elaborate tunnel system. Oh, insect-like they may be, but they're no ordinary insects. They have highly refined powers of abstract reasoning. These Tractators must be very intelligent beings indeed. [SCENE_BREAK] 27, INT: TRACTATORS CAVE (In a massive hollowed out cave the Tractators surround a smallish circular cage in which a man is sitting. The Tractator's leader, bigger and a different colour, speaks. He is the Gravis.) GRAVIS: It is time we fetched this Doctor to us. Send...'the machine'. [SCENE_BREAK] 28, INT: STATE ROOM (Brazen paces around the room.) BRAZEN: Organised...intelligent... hmm, not much of an enemy profile. What I want to know is what they are about and why! NORNA: Please, he's in a state of shock. RANGE: When deep ancestral memory pictures break through the conscious mind like this, dangerous instabilities are created. Now leave the boy alone! If anybody is on trial here, it's me! BRAZEN: Not a trial, Mr. Range; a pooling of information - something we should've done decades ago! RANGE: Well, you had the chance. BRAZEN: No! Because you had all the information locked up! If you'd shown us that, then Captain Revere, who with his bare hands held this shambles we called Frontios together, might still be alive! NORNA: Captain Revere knew about the creatures, he must have done! It's his fault, why didn't he tell us? BRAZEN: And add to the rumours and unrest? You can't broadcast socially sensitive information unless you're in control of the facts! NORNA: But if we'd known for sure... BRAZEN: We'd have done what?! These Tractators that the boy talks about...they could explain the unspeakable events that we have witnessed. RANGE: Not witnessed, Brazen, if we're being particular about this. You and I have not actually seen it happen. BRAZEN: ...I have...Mr. Range. ...Come with me. I want to show you something. (He walks towards the door and they all follow him.) [SCENE_BREAK] 29, INT: MINES (The Doctor takes his finger out of his mouth and holds it up.) DOCTOR: You're never without a sense of direction while there's an air flow. Air flows from A to B. Usually you want to be at B...or at A... TEGAN: I don't want to be at A or B, thank you very much. I just want to be out of these tunnels and back in the... DOCTOR: Yes, well I think you can forget about the TARDIS. It's probably scattered in little pieces across the whole of Frontios. (They turn and go down another corridor.) [SCENE_BREAK] 30, INT: RESEARCH ROOM (Brazen holds a lamp down through a hole in the floor, where a depression in the earth below can be seen. It is in the unmistakable shape of a body.) BRAZEN: There, you see. RANGE: But the State funeral? We all saw the body. NORNA: But not the face. BRAZEN: Carcasses are plentiful on Frontios. There had to be a corpse, just to...keep public order. NORNA: It was here he disappeared? BRAZEN: Sucked into the earth in front of my eyes. He was badly injured by the falling boulders and rubble, but...he would've lived. (Turlough seems to be almost himself again.) TURLOUGH: He may still be alive. BRAZEN: Alive? NORNA: What do you mean? TURLOUGH: The Tractators need living flesh. They need minds. As well as bodies... [SCENE_BREAK] 31, INT: TRACTATORS' CAVE (The Gravis addresses the person in the cage, Plantagenet.) GRAVIS: The work of excavation is our task. Beneath the soil we can expand and populate the whole of Frontios. Do you understand? It is important that you understand. ...Speak. PLANTAGENET: We will defeat your goal! GRAVIS: You do not know our goals! I have described our means. Once we have full control of Frontios, our plans are only just beginning. PLANTAGENET: You are evil! We will fight you to the last! GRAVIS: This is not a war, Plantagenet. It is a...co-operation. You will see. PLANTAGENET: The colonists of Frontios will never co-operate with you. GRAVIS: And yet they do! We Tractators have devised an economical technology of excavation. But...it needs a captive human mind to drive it. PLANTAGENET: Captives? Slaves? GRAVIS: You will see. You will see... Our old driver is nearing the end of his useful powers, but now we have another to take his place! (The Gravis creeps closer to the cage.) GRAVIS: Do we not...Plantagenet? (Plantagenet stares back, in grim realisation.) [SCENE_BREAK] 32, INT: COLONY SHIP (Brazen walks with the Deputy.) BRAZEN: I want a strategic force of five hand-picked men equipped for a below-ground sortie. (They arrive at the State Room.) BRAZEN: Ah...we'll have the briefing in here within the quarter-hour. DEPUTY: Very good, Chief Orderly. [SCENE_BREAK] 33, INT: MINES (The Doctor and Tegan stop as they hear a rumbling noise from somewhere in the caves.) DOCTOR: Wait...that's the sound. TEGAN: What is it? DOCTOR: The machine that did this. (The noise gets significantly louder.) DOCTOR: It seems to be coming this way. (They worriedly go back in the other direction.) [SCENE_BREAK] 34, INT: RESEARCH ROOM (The operation is beginning, with Range helping some Orderlies down into the mines with lamps. Brazen is in the background talking to more Orderlies. One Orderly has a gun with him, which Brazen confiscates.) BRAZEN: That weapon's no good for tunnel work, Jensen...oh, and I'll take the rations. We are going to be privileged to sit down and eat with Plantagenet on our return. (Jensen is given a lamp by Range and he starts to descend. Elsewhere in the Research Room, Norna is talking to a fully recovered Turlough, who now seems embarrassed by his experiences. He is intently fiddling with a small metal device.) NORNA: You didn't let anybody down. TURLOUGH: It doesn't matter. It's not my sort of thing anyway - mooching around in caves and tunnels underground. (Back in the other part of the Research Room, Brazen talks to Range.) RANGE: Not Turlough. BRAZEN: We need someone who knows the terrain. RANGE: His mental state won't be reliable beneath ground. I'll come with you. (Norna has joined them.) BRAZEN: (quietly) I'd prefer you to stay here with your daughter. The Rets are on the rampage, things could get nasty outside too. NORNA: I don't need looking after. BRAZEN: (annoyed) Alright Mr. Range, I'll accept your offer... (Range kisses Norna, and then they help him down the ladder.) [SCENE_BREAK] 35, INT: MINES (Range gets to the bottom of the ladder, and Brazen follows him down.) [SCENE_BREAK] 36, INT: RESEARCH ROOM (Turlough walks up to join Norna. He stares intently at the manhole.) [SCENE_BREAK] 37, INT: MINES (Tegan and the Doctor still go through the mines, trying to get away from the machine. The Doctor suddenly stops and pulls Tegan against a wall.) DOCTOR: Tractators - dead ahead. TEGAN: This is ridiculous - running about like rabbits in a hole. If you ask me... DOCTOR: (interrupting) No one is, Tegan, so shush. (They wait a few seconds and hear the machine noise getting louder and louder.) [SCENE_BREAK] 38, INT: RESEARCH ROOM (Turlough kneels near the hole, deep in thought.) NORNA: Don't torture yourself. Nobody expects you to go back down there. TURLOUGH: No, of course they don't. (He stands up.) TURLOUGH: I'm Turlough. (He suddenly holds out both fists to Norna, indicating her to choose one.) NORNA: What's this? TURLOUGH: Decision time. (She picks his left hand. In his hand is a small coin with a hole through the middle. He holds it up and sighs.) TURLOUGH: That's it then. I'm going. NORNA: No, don't be silly. TURLOUGH: You can't argue with fate. Here. (He gives Norna the coin.) TURLOUGH: It's a two corpira piece. You blow through it for good luck. (Turlough holds out his right hand to Norna and shakes her hand.) NORNA: Wait a minute. (Turlough smiles as Norna holds up a second two corpira piece. Without another word Turlough grabs a lamp and goes down the ladder.) [SCENE_BREAK] 39, INT: MINES (Turlough gets to the bottom and activates his lamp. He then hurries off to catch up with the others.) [SCENE_BREAK] 40, INT: RESEARCH ROOM (Back in the Research Room, Norna doesn't see two very hungry-looking Retrogrades peering in through the window at the food rations below them...) [SCENE_BREAK] 41, INT: MINES DOCTOR: Excavating machine...or Tractators. Take your pick. (She points the way of the Tractators.) TEGAN: ...After you. (Resigned to their fate, they walk off into the Tractators cave.) [SCENE_BREAK] 42, INT: TRACTATORS CAVE (The Doctor and Tegan stop at the entrance, as all the Tractators turn to look at them.) DOCTOR: It's a bit of a problem this, Tegan. (They turn to go back the other way, but they stop again. They back towards the Tractators as the excavating machine arrives. It is a vast circular structure with many blades attached, but the main focus is on its very human driver. A pale, staring human head sits in the centre of the front of the machine, with wires coming in and out of it. The machine's grating, scraping noise continues as it gets nearer.) TEGAN: That's horrible. It's a corpse. DOCTOR: Not exactly. There's a living mind enslaved in the middle of that lot. TEGAN: That face...I recognise it from somewhere. DOCTOR: It's...Captain Revere... (Captain Revere's unseeing eyes stare blankly out from the machine into nothing...)

Turlough starts to regain ancestral memories of the Tractators, the Doctor having discovered the Tractators works to discover what their plan is.

fd_Teen_Wolf_01x08

fd_Teen_Wolf_01x08_0

Scott: Where are we going? Stiles: You'll see. Scott: 'Cause we really shouldn't be out here. My mom is in a constant state of freak - out from what happened at the school. Stiles: Well, your mom isn't the sheriff, okay? There's no comparison, trust me. Scott: Can you at least just tell me what we're doing out here? Stiles: Yes. When your best friend gets dumped - Scott: I didn't get dumped. We're taking a break. Stiles: All right, well, when your best friend gets told by his girlfriend that they're taking a break - You get your best friend drunk. Stiles: Dude, you know, she's just one - one girl. You know, there are so many - there are so many other girls in the sea. Scott: Fish in the sea. Stiles: Fish? Why you talking about fish? I'm talking about girls. I love girls. I love 'em. I love especially ones with strawberry blond hair, green eyes, 5'3" - Scott: Like Lydia? Stiles: Yeah, exactly. Hey, how did you know I was talking about - about - What was I talking about? Hey, you're not happy. Take a drink. Scott: I don't want any more. Stiles: You're not drunk? Scott: I'm not anything. Stiles: Hey, maybe it's like - maybe it's like not needing your inhaler anymore, you know. Maybe you can't get drunk as a wolf. Am I drunk? Scott: You're wasted. Stiles: Yeah! Come on, dude, I know it feels bad. I know it hurts. I know. Well, I don't know. But I know this. I know that as much as being broken up hurts, being alone is way worse. That didn't make any sense. I need a drink. Guy: Well, look at the two little bitches getting their drink on. Scott: Give it back. Guy One: What's that, little man? Guy Two: I think he wants a drink. Scott: I want the bottle. Stiles: Scott, maybe we should just go. Scott: You brought me here to get me drunk, Stiles. I'm not drunk yet. Give me the bottle. Give me the bottle of Jack. Stiles: Scott? Stiles: Okay, please tell me that was because of the breakup. Or 'cause tomorrow's the full moon. Going home now, yeah? Guy Two: How about we just go? Guy One: How about you just shut up? Guy Two: Come on, man, I'm freezing my junk off out here. Help! Help, please! Help me! Somebody help me! Help me! Please, God, help me! Please! No! No, no, no, please! No! Please, no! No! No, no, no, no! No, no, no, no! Noo! Radio: - Beautiful Monday morning, Beacon Hills High School is back open after being closed Thursday and Friday. Police search continues for alleged killer Derek Hale - Melissa: We should probably set this to buzzer. You alive in there? Scott: No. Melissa: Not ready to go back to school? Scott: No. Melissa: You want to stay home another day? Scott: No. Melissa: Want a brand new car? Me, too. This isn't just about what happened at the school, right? I mean, it's about what's her name. Do you want to talk about it? Scott: Not with you. Melissa: Hey, I've been through a few breakups myself, you know. I mean, disastrous ones, actually. Scott: I don't care about your breakups, mom. I'm gonna get her back. Allison: Dad, if you're going to insist on driving me to school, you at least have to let me out of the car. Chris: Kate, what's your opinion on home schooling? Kate: Well, you know, I'm more of a learning - by - doing kind of girl. Allison: What's your opinion on overprotective dads who keep ruining their daughter's lives? Allison: Thank you. Kate: You're welcome. So, Chris - Chris: Don't. Just - Your look communicates it perfectly. Yes, I underestimated the danger. Yes, we should've acted sooner. Yes, I should've listened to you. Anything else? Or does that cover it? Kate: All I was going to say is you need to stop and get some gas. Allison: It's just weird. Everybody's talking about what happened the other night, and nobody knows it was us. Lydia: Thank you, for the protection of minors. Allison: Lydia, do you think I made the wrong decision? Lydia: About that jacket with that dress? Absolutely. Allison: You know what I mean. Lydia: Hello? Scott locked us in a classroom and left us for dead. He's lucky we're not pressing charges or making him pay our therapy bills. Sheriff: We are watching his family's house. Maybe he'll wind up there. Give me a second. Don't you have a test to get to? Stiles: What's going on? Did you find Derek yet? Sheriff: I'm workin' on it. You go take your test. Stiles: All right, dad, listen to me. Sheriff: Go! Stiles: This is really important. You have to be careful tonight, okay? Especially tonight. Sheriff: Stiles, I'm always careful. Stiles: Dad, you've never dealt with this kind of thing before, okay? At least not like this. Sheriff: I know, which is why I brought in people who have. State detective. Go take your test. Scott: Allison. Harris: Mr. McCall, please take a seat. Harris: You have 45 minutes to complete the test. 25% of your grade can be earned right now simply by writing your name on the cover of the blue book. However, as happens every year, one of you will inexplicably fail to put your name on the cover, and I'll be left yet again questioning my decision to ever become a teacher. So let's get the disappointment over with. Begin. Harris: Mr. McCall? Mr. Stilinski! Stiles: Scott? Scott? Scott: Stiles, I can't - Stiles: What's happening? Are you changing? Scott: No. No, I can't breathe. Stiles: Here, use this. Come on, do it. Scott: I was having an asthma attack? Stiles: No, you were having a panic attack. But thinking you were having an asthma attack actually stopped the panic attack. Irony. Scott: How did you know to do that? Stiles: I used to get them after my mom died. Not fun, huh? Scott: I looked at her, and it was like someone hit me in the ribs with a hammer. Stiles: Yeah, it's called heartbreak. About 2 billion songs written about it. Scott: I can't stop thinking about her. Stiles: Well, you could think about this: Her dad's a werewolf hunter, and you're a werewolf, so it was bound to become an issue. That wasn't helpful. Dude, I mean, yeah, you got dumped, and it's supposed to suck. Scott: No, that's not it. It was like I could feel everything in the room, everyone else's emotions. Stiles: It's got to be the full moon. So we'll lock you up in your room later just like we planned. That way the Alpha, who is your boss, can't get to you, either. Scott: I think we need to do a lot more than lock me in my room. Stiles: What, you mean because if you get out, you'd be caught by hunters? Scott: No. Because if I get out - I think I might kill someone. Kate: So, what, another night of kicking through leaves in the woods? Chris: I prefer to think of it as another night trying to keep innocent people from being killed. A list which now includes my daughter. Fake detective: How do we know it won't try going after her again? Kate: It won't go after Allison. Chris: It won't have any target at all, not on a full moon. Fake detective: How come? Chris: An Alpha is like any other werewolf on a full moon. It struggles under its sway, which means tonight is our best chance to catch it, when it's unfocused. Kate: Yeah, but what if it has a reason to stay focused? Chris: Oh, do you know something we don't? Kate: I just don't like surprises. But you're the expert, so you tell me. Young Hunter: What about Derek? Kate: He's smarter than that. He won't be out tonight. There's cops everywhere. Chris: And if for some reason he is - Victoria: If he is - You find him, you kill him, you cut him in half. Anybody want a cookie? Jackson: Oh, uh, you got something on your - Here, let me. Allison: Thanks. Jackson: Yeah. Allison: You want the bite? Jackson: What? Allison: Do you want a bite? Jackson: Oh. No. Thanks. Allison: Are you doin' okay? I mean, since the other night? Jackson: Better than I thought I would be. You still thinking about everything that happened? Allison: Mostly about Scott. I haven't talked to him. Jackson: Probably a good idea. Allison: You don't think I made a mistake, do you? Jackson: No. In fact, I think he got - Exactly what he deserves. Coach: All right, geniuses, listen up. Due to the recent pink eye epidemic - Thank you, Greenberg - the following people have made first line on a probationary basis, emphasis on the word "probationary." Rodriguez. Welcome to first line. Taylor, and, uh - Oh, for the love of crap. I can't even read my own writing. What is that, an "s"? No, no, that's not an "s." That's a - that's a - That's a "b." It's definitely a "b." Uh, Rodriguez, Taylor, and, uh - Bilinski. Coach: Bilinski! Stiles: Yes? Coach: Shut up! Stiles: Yes, sir. Scott: Stiles. Stiles: It's Biles. Call me Biles, or I swear to God I'll kill you. Coach: Another thing. From here on out, immediately, we're switching to co - captains. Congratulations, McCall. Jackson: What? Coach: What do you mean, what? Jackson, this takes nothing away from you. This is about combining separate strengths into one unit. This is about taking your unit, McCall's unit, we're making one big unit. McCall, it's you and Jackson now. Everybody else - Asses on the field! Asses on the field! Stiles: Dude, can you believe this? You're a captain. I'm first line. I'm first freaking line! Lacrosse player: Don't think we're gonna let this go. He's not gonna be much of a co - captain in traction. Danny: Yeah, 'cause it's not like he scores more than anyone else. Jackson: Oh, is that the opinion of my best friend? Danny: The opinion of your best friend is, who the hell cares who's team captain? He's a good player. And you need to seriously get a grip. Let it go. Stiles: Are you not freaking out? I'm freaking out. Scott: What's the point? It's just a stupid title. And I could practically smell the jealousy in there. Stiles: Wait, you smell jealousy? Scott: Yeah, it's like the full moon's turned everything up to ten. Stiles: Can you pick up on stuff like, I don't know, desire? Scott: What do you mean desire? Stiles: Like sexual desire? Scott: Sexual desire? Stiles: Yeah, sexual desire. Lust, passion, arousal. Scott: From Lydia? Stiles: What? No, in a general, broad sense, can you determine sexual desire? Scott: From Lydia to you? Stiles: Fine, yes, from Lydia to me. Look, I need to know if I have a chance with this girl, okay? I've been obsessing over her since the third freakin' grade. Scott: Why don't you just ask her? Stiles: Well, to save myself utterly crushing humiliation. Thank you, Scott. Okay? So, please, can you just go up and ask her if she likes me? See if her heartbeat rises, pheromones come out. Scott: Fine. Stiles: We - I love you. I love you. You're my best friend in the whole world. Scott: Hey, Lydia? Can we talk for a second? Lydia: Of course. Is this about the other night? You needed someone to talk to? Scott: Just I needed to ask you something. Do you, uh - Do you know if Allison still likes me? Lydia: Of course she still likes you. Scott: Really? Lydia: She'll always like you. As friends. Just friends. Scott: Just friends. Lydia: If you ask me - of course, nobody asks me she made a big mistake. Ask me how I know that. Scott: How? Lydia: Because I know you locked us in there to protect us. Because I know that when a guy risks his life for you, you should be grateful. Scott: Are you grateful? Lydia: I think you'd be pretty surprised at just how grateful I can be. Stiles: Hey. What happened? Scott: What? Stiles: What do you mean, what? Did you ask her? Did she say anything? Did she say she liked me? Did she imply she liked me? Scott: Yeah. Yeah, she likes you. In fact, she's totally into you. [SCENE_BREAK] Coach: Let's go, next! Perfect. Stiles: Scott, you okay, dude? Look, I know we just got good news and all, but there's still seven hours till the full moon, okay? Coach: Let's go! Guess some people don't appreciate your new status there, McCall. Who's next? Let's go. You have a problem with that, Bilinski? Stiles: What? Yeah, no. Coach: All right, you're up, big boy. Let's go! That's it, McCall! That's the spirit! You earn it! Earn it, McCall! Player: Danny! Oh, man, Danny! Player Two: We didn't hit him that hard. Player: Danny, are you okay? Stiles: Dude, what the hell are you doin'? Scott: He's twice the size of me. Coach: Come on, watch out. Stiles: Yeah, but everybody likes Danny. Now everybody's gonna hate you. Scott: I don't care. Lydia: Is he okay? Jackson: It looks like he just has a bloody nose - Lydia: What? Jackson: Your lipstick. Lydia: Oh. Oh, wonder how that happened. Jackson: Yeah. I wonder. Kate: Right, now, you can't tell your father about this, because he'll kill me. Allison: Okay. Kate: Okay. Well, what's our hapless victim's name? Allison: Mr. Bear. Kate: You named your Teddy Bear Mr. Bear? That's, like, the worst Teddy Bear name in the world. Allison: I was five years old. Kate: All right, well, just shoot your unimaginatively named bear and put it out of its misery. Allison: Oh ha ha ha! Kate: See, now, that's what I'm talkin' about. See, if you would have had that the other night, you would have just - whoa, wait a minute. I thought you wanted to learn how to do this, sweetie. Allison: I just don't know what happened. Kate: With Scott? Aw. Listen, my gorgeous, young niece, you're gonna break hearts left and right, okay? And he was lucky to have gotten the tiny, little taste of Allison Argent's world that he got. Allison: But it just - It felt so right with him. And then he just started acting so strange, and now I don't know what to believe. Kate: Well, sweetie, he's a guy. You can't believe anything. Allison: It's just the whole thing with Derek Hale the other night - and Scott saying he didn't know him, but I saw them together. Kate: Whoa, hold on. Wait, back up. Scott knows Derek? Alleged killer Derek? Are they friends? Allison: No. Not really. I mean, at least that's what he said. Kate: How about you tell me everything that Scott said about Derek. Allison: What do you mean by everything? Kate: I mean everything. Melissa: Scott? Stiles: Stiles. Melissa: Key! Stiles: Yeah. I had one made, so - Melissa: That doesn't surprise me. It scares me, but it doesn't surprise me. What is that? Stiles: Uh, school project. Melissa: Mmm. Stiles, he's okay, right? Stiles: Who? Scott? Yeah. Totally. Melissa: He just doesn't talk to me that much anymore, not like he used to. Stiles: Well, he's had a bit of a rough week. Melissa: Yeah, yeah, I get it. Yeah, um - Okay, uh - Be careful tonight. Stiles: You, too. Melissa: Full moon. Stiles: What? Melissa: There's a full moon tonight. You should see how the E.R. Gets. Brings out all the nut jobs. Stiles: Oh. Melissa: Yeah. Stiles: Right. Melissa: You know, it's, um, actually where they came up with the word "lunatic." Stiles: Oh, my God! Dude. You scared the hell out of me. Your mom said you weren't home yet. Scott: I came in through the window. Stiles: Okay. Uh, well, let's get this set up. I want you to see what I bought. Scott: I'm fine. I'm just gonna lock the door and go to bed early tonight. Stiles: You sure about that? 'Cause you've got this kind of serial killer look going on in your eyes, and I'm hoping it's the full moon taking effect, 'cause it's really starting to freak me out. Scott: I'm fine. You should go now. Stiles: All right, I'll leave. Well, look, would you just at least look in the bag and see what I bought? You know, maybe you use it, maybe you don't. Sound good? Scott: You think I'm gonna let you put these on and chain me up like a dog? Stiles: Actually, no. Scott: What the hell are you doing? Stiles: Protecting you from yourself and giving you some payback - For making out with Lydia. Jackson: What are you doing here? Allison: Oh, I was just thinking I might get back into something I haven't done for a while. What about you? Jackson: Oh, uh, for Danny. McCall bashed him pretty hard on the field. Why do I get the feeling you could use someone to talk to? Allison: Is it that obvious? Jackson: Maybe 'cause I'm kind of feeling the same way. Stiles: I brought you some water. Scott: I'm gonna kill you! Stiles: You kissed her, Scott, okay? You kissed Lydia. That's, like, the one girl that I ev - and, you know, the past three hours, I've been thinking, it's probably just the full moon, you know, he doesn't even know what he's doing, and tomorrow, he'll be totally back to normal. He probably won't even remember what a complete dumbass he's been. A son of a bitch, a freaking unbelievable piece of crap friend. Scott: She kissed me. Stiles: What? Scott: I didn't kiss her. She kissed me. She would have done a lot more, too. You should have seen the way she had her hands all over me. She would have done anything I wanted. Anything! Allison: If I tell you something, will you promise not to laugh? Jackson: I would never laugh at you. Allison: I don't think it was Derek in the school. Jackson: Neither do I. Scott: Stiles, please let me out. It's the full moon, I swear. You know I wouldn't do any of this on purpose. Please, Stiles, let me out. It's starting to hurt. It's not like the first time. It's the full moon. It's Allison breaking up with me. I know - That it's not just taking a break. She broke up with me. And it's killing me. I feel completely hopeless. Just, please, let me out. Stiles: I can't. Scott: No, no, no! Jackson: Is there something else? Look, Allison, just because you can't trust Scott, doesn't mean you can't trust anybody. Allison: But that's the thing. There are people lying to me, people closer to me than Scott. Jackson: Who? Allison: My father. And it's - it's not like I don't realize we're not exactly the most normal family on the block. I mean, not every teenage girl comes home to a garage full of Glocks and AK - 47s. Jackson: But, um - ? Allison: I just have this weird feeling, like, my dad knows more about what happened in the school than we do. Stiles: Scott, are you okay? Scott? Jackson: And I saw someone standing in the hall, but - But, I mean, it might have been Derek, but I couldn't see any features. It was - It was just this kind of black shape. Here's where it gets really hard to explain. The guy - Or whatever it was - It just got down on all fours, and then just took off. Allison: On all fours, like hands and knees? Jackson: No, like hands and feet. Like an animal. He moved like an animal. Allison: Well, then how do you know it wasn't an animal? Jackson: Because when he was standing up, he looked like a guy. Allison: Then what was it? What was that? Jackson: Don't. Derek: Stop! Scott, stop! Scott: What's happening to me? Derek: Exactly what he wants to happen. Stiles: Dad? Dad? Has anyone seen my - has anyone seen my dad? Sheriff: Stiles. What are you doing here? Chris: That one's Stiles? Kate: Another friend of Allison's. Chris: Are you gonna tell me about that talk you had with her? Kate: You tell me something first. That night you came across those two betas, one of them was smaller, right? Chris: Mmm. Kate: Well, was he just smaller? Or could he have been younger, too? Scott: Thanks. Wait. I can't do this. I can't be this and be with Allison. I need you to tell me the truth. Is there a cure? Derek: For someone who was bitten? I've heard of one. I don't know if it's true. Scott: Well, what is it? Derek: You have to kill the one that bit you. Scott: Kill the Alpha? Derek: Scott. If you help me find him, I'll help you kill him.

As Scott's second full moon approaches, he gives in to his animal urges and hurts Stiles, but Stiles gets a measure of revenge in locking him up. Meanwhile, Jackson continues to try and get closer to Allison. The Argents learn that Scott somehow knew Derek.

fd_Buffy_the_Vampire_Slayer_02x12

fd_Buffy_the_Vampire_Slayer_02x12_0

Prologue: In every generation there is a Chosen One. She alone will stand against the vampires, the demons and the forces of darkness. She is the Slayer. Sunnydale Mall. The low camera angle shows the legs of the people walking past the shops on the ground floor. The camera pans up past a cowboy and his girlfriend to the second floor and over the railing where Buffy and her mother are walking along. Joyce has a shopping bag in each hand, and Buffy has on a small backpack. Buffy: Come on, Mom, please? Joyce: I'm sorry, honey. Buffy: Don't you understand how important this is? Joyce: It's an outfit. An outfit that you may never buy. Buffy: But I looked good in it. Joyce: You looked like a streetwalker. Buffy: But a thin streetwalker. (gets a look from her mom) That's probably not gonna be the winning argument, is it? Joyce: You're just too young to wear that. Buffy: Yeah, and I'm gonna be too young to wear it until I'm too old to wear it. Joyce: That's the idea. (stops and looks around) The stores are closing, and I still need to order the flyers for the opening. (considers, then puts both bags in one hand) Okay. I'll go to the printers and then get our food, (pulls out a slip of paper) you go to the tailor and pick up my outfit from Everyday Woman. (hands Buffy the slip of paper) Buffy: (looks at the paper) Everyday Woman? Joyce: Mm-hm. There's the receipt. Buffy: Why didn't you just go to Muu-Muus R Us? Joyce: Do now, make fun of your mother later. (walks off) Buffy reluctantly starts for the tailors. Cut to the escalators. Buffy gets on to go to the ground floor. She looks around idly as she descends. She sees the cowboy and his girlfriend come up the other escalator. She keeps looking around, and then notices that the cowboy's reflection is missing from the mirrors that line the escalator corridor. She looks back at the couple, and he is indeed there. Immediately she turns and runs back up the escalator, weaving between the people coming down on it behind her. Cut to the walkway. The cowboy and the girl go around a corner. Buffy walks quickly to catch up. Cut to a back hallway. Buffy slowly walks past a bank of payphones by the restrooms and looks around for them, apparently having lost them. She continues down the hall and hears a pinball machine. Reaching the rear door of the arcade she sees that the metal gate has been bent and forced open. She quietly squeezes by the gate and goes in. The place is deserted and quiet except for the sound of the one machine. She walks around one side of a bank of game machines while the camera pans along the other. Lyle: Turn around, baby, I have somethin' to show ya. Girl: Wait a sec. This is my high score. The camera reaches them. The girl is hammering away at the flipper controls. The cowboy takes off his hat and comes up behind the girl. He takes her hair and sweeps it away from her neck. He's vamped out. Lyle: Well, ain't you just got the prettiest little neck I ever did see. He moves in for the bite, but is interrupted by Buffy. Buffy: Boy, you guys really never come up with any new lines, do you? The two of them look over at Buffy, annoyed. Girl: Do you mind? We were talking here. Buffy: (stares down the vampire) But you promised you'd never cheat on me again, honey. Girl: (pulls her bag onto her arm) Um, I better go. Lyle: But I ain't done yet. She turns to look at him and gasps in fear when she sees his face. She runs from the arcade. The vampire looks back at Buffy. Lyle: Alright, sugar lips. (puts on his hat and faces off with her) Giddy-up! He throws a punch at Buffy, but she blocks it and punches him in the face and the crotch. He grabs his groin, and Buffy shoves him into another pinball machine. He looks up at her and gives her an evil smile. Lyle: Well, you're a rough one, ain't cha! I like that! He comes at her again with a swing, which she readily blocks it. He swings again, and she ducks the blow. He grabs her by the arms and throws her into a pinball machine. The plate glass on the top and back panel shatter as she lands on it hard. The cowboy rushes over and grabs her by the straps of her backpack. Lyle: You must be that Slayer I've been hearin' so much about. Lyle Gorch. Pleased to meet cha! Buffy gets her leg between them and kicks him off of her. He staggers into another machine. Buffy: Pleasure's mine! She leaps off of the machine at him, and he ducks and rolls out of the way. She spins around to face him and has a stake in her hand, up and ready. Lyle rolls up to his feet, grabbing his hat in midair along the way, and puts it back on. He points at her. Lyle: This ain't over! He spins around and hightails it out of there. Buffy: Oh, sure. They *say* they'll call. Cut to the food court. Buffy comes walking in and spots her mom at a table with their food, waiting for her. Joyce stares at the food, looking bored and watching it get cold. She looks up as Buffy arrives. Buffy: Oh, bliss. (sits) Mall food. (looks up) Joyce: Buffy? Buffy: (attentive) Mom? Joyce: Where's my dress? Buffy: (confused) Your dr...? Oh. (winces) Oh, God. Joyce: Let me guess: you were distracted by a boy. Buffy: (cringes) Technically. Joyce: (leans back) Buffy... Buffy: (exhales) Look, I-I can go get it right now. Joyce: They're closed. I'll just have to fit it in tomorrow. Buffy: Sorry. Joyce: (sternly) A little responsibility is all I ask. Honestly, don't you ever think about anything besides boys and clothes? Buffy: Saving the world from vampires? Joyce: (crosses her arms and shakes her head) I swear, sometimes I don't know what goes on in your head. Buffy just looks back at her. Opening credits roll. Buffy's theme plays. ~~~~~~~~~~ Part 1 ~~~~~~~~~~ The utility closet at Sunnydale High. The light is off. Xander and Cordelia are sucking some serious face. Cordelia: Xander? (continues kissing) Xander: Shhh-sh-sh. (continues kissing) Cordelia: It's just that (kiss) I'm worried we're gonna miss class. (continues kissing) He reaches up for the light string and yanks it to turn it on. They step back a bit from each other. Xander: You know what? This would work a lot better for me if you didn't talk. Cordelia: Well, it'd work a lot better for me with the lights off. She grabs the string and yanks it. She puts her arms around him again and starts to kiss him, but Xander doesn't kiss back. He yanks the string again and the light comes back on. They step away from each other again. Xander: Are you saying that you can't look at me when we do... whatever it is we do? Cordelia: No, it's not that I can't, it's just more... I don't want to. Xander: That's great! That's just dandy! We're repulsed by each other, we, (indicates the door) we hide from our friends... Cordelia: Well, I should hope so! Please! Xander: (nods) All in all this is not what I'd call a big self-esteem booster. Cordelia: Tell me about it! (looks him over) Just look at you! And those clothes. Where did you get those shoes?! Xander: Okay, you know what? I don't need this. Cordelia: Ditto! Like a hole in the head! They both reach for the doorknob, and their hands meet there. They hesitate a moment, and then wrap their arms around each other again and kiss even more passionately. Xander cradles her head in his hand as they slowly sink to the floor. He reaches up for the string and gives it a good yank. Cut to teen health class. The instructor is writing 's*x' on the board. Mr. Whitmore: S-E-X. s*x. (faces the class) The s*x drive in the human animal is intense. How many of us have lost countless productive hours plagued by unwanted sexual thoughts and feelings? Xander: Yes! (raises his hand and nods) Mm-hm. Willow gives him a concerned look. Mr. Whitmore: That was a rhetorical question, Mr. Harris, not a poll. Several students giggle. Xander lowers his hand. Xander: Oh. Cordelia looks away from him and stares down at her book. Mr. Whitmore: Of course, for teenagers such as yourselves these feelings are even more overwhelming. With all sorts of hormones surging... Willow is clearly nervous, and looks back and forth between Xander and giving her attention to the teacher. Mr. Whitmore: ...through your bodies, compelling you to action, it's often difficult to remember that there *are* negative consequences to, uh, having s*x. Would anyone care to offer one such consequence? Cordelia raises her hand, and Mr. Whitmore indicates to her, giving her the floor. Cordelia: Well, that depends. Are you talking about s*x *in* the car or *out* of the car? (Mr. Whitmore looks confused) Because I have a friend, not me, that was in a Miata at, parked at the top of the hill, and then she kicked the gearshift, and, and... Mr. Whitmore: (interrupts) Yeah, I, I was thinking of something a little more commonplace, Ms. Chase. Xander raises his hand, and Mr. Whitmore indicates to him. Willow stares at him. Xander: You wanna talk negative consequence? What about the heartbreak of halitosis? (Cordelia looks at him and he looks back) I mean, a girl may seem spiffy, but if she ignores her flossing the bloom is definitely off the rose. Cordelia immediately raises her hand again. Mr. Whitmore exhales and gives her permission to speak again. Cordelia: Like that compares to kissing a guy who thinks the Hoover technique is a *big* turn-on. Willow looks back and forth between the two of them, very confused. The exchange begins to draw muffled comments from among the other students. Xander: What about having to feign interest in her vapid little chit- chat just so you can get some touch? Cordelia is incensed. Mr. Whitmore: Now. Another consequence of sexual activity? Anyone? Cordelia raises her hand again. Mr. Whitmore: Uh, else? Willow raises her hand. He indicates that she should speak. Willow: How about pregnancy? That would be a major one, right? Mr. Whitmore: Thank you, Ms. Rosenberg! (Willow smiles smugly) Among teens unwanted pregnancy is the number one negative consequence of sexual activity. So, as discussed last week, I present you with... (takes a sheet off of two trays of eggs) ...your offspring. (Willow smiles) You will split into parenting teams. You and your partner will share equally in the daily task of raising (indicates the trays) your egg. (takes a tray to distribute) Now, please choose a partner and come pick up your children. Willow waves at Xander, but he ignores her and gets up to go over to Cordelia. She sees him coming and immediately grabs the shirtsleeve of the boy sitting across from her to get his attention. Cordelia: You wanna have a baby? Xander is disappointed. He sees another girl walk up to the second tray of eggs still on the teacher's desk and approaches her. Xander: Hey. (chuckles) I know we just met, but isn't that Xander Jr. you're holding? The girl giggles and smiles and turns around to walk away. Xander gives Cordelia another glance, then follows the other girl. Cut to the library. Buffy walks over to the card catalog, pulls out a drawer and begins going through the cards. Giles is in the cage behind her. Xander opens the door for Willow and they come on. Willow: Buffy! How come you weren't in class? Buffy: Vampire issues. Did Mr. Whitmore notice I was tardy? Xander: I think the word you're searching for is 'absent'. Willow: Tardy people show. Buffy: Right. Willow: And, yes, he did notice, so he wanted me to give you this. (hands her an egg) Buffy: (rolls the egg around in her hands) As far as punishments go this is fairly abstract. Willow: No, it's your baby! (smiles) Buffy: (confused) Okay, I get it even less. Xander: Well, you know, it's the whole 's*x leads to responsibility' thing, which I personally don't get. You gotta take care of the egg. It's a baby. You gotta keep it safe and teach it Christian values. Willow: (looks at Xander) My egg is Jewish. Xander: Then teach it that Dreidel song. Willow smiles at that. Buffy: I can't do this! I can't take care of things! I killed my Giga Pet. Literally, I sat on it and it broke. She sets the egg down on top of the catalog, moans and quickly walks over to a book re-shelving cart. Willow: You'll do fine! Xander: Yeah, the only thing that stresses me is when do we tell them that they're adopted? Buffy: I'll just lay that one off on my partner. (looks up, worried) Who'd I get? Willow: Well, there were an uneven number of students, and you didn't show, so... Buffy: (in shocked disbelief) I'm a single mother? Xander: (nods) No man of her own. Buffy: Do you know what this says about me? That I am doomed to lead my mother's life! (paces back to them) How deeply scary is that? Xander: How 'bout this: it says nothing, it means nothing, this whole egg experiment thing is completely pointless! Giles: (in the cage) Success! (comes out with a book) At last. Your playmate is a fellow of repute, it seems. He moves to set the book on top of Buffy's egg. She inhales in fright and quickly snatches it away. Willow and Xander look on in wide-eyed surprise. Giles points out a picture in the book. Giles: That's, um, Lyle Gorch, and that one's his brother, Tector. They're from Abilene. They, uh, they made their reputation by massacring an entire Mexican village in 1886. (takes off his glasses to clean them) Buffy: Friendly little demons. Giles: That was before they became vampires. She raises her eyebrows at Giles. Willow and Xander exchange a look. Giles: B-but, um, the good news is that they're... not amongst the great thinkers of our times. I doubt if they're up to much. They're probably just drawn here by the, uh, Hellmouth's energy. (puts his glasses back on) Xander: 'Nuff said! I propose Buffy slays 'em. All in favor? (raises his hand) Willow: (raises her hand) Aye! Giles: I-I don't think you should underestimate them. I mean, y-you may need to have some help if, if, if, if... (notices the eggs) Why do you all have eggs? Willow: (smiles) Hey, maybe you can have Angel help you find the Gorches. Giles: (still confused) Yes! Yes, yes, that's not a bad idea. Strength in numbers. Xander: Oh, right. I see a lotta hunting getting done in *that* scenario. Buffy: Please. Like Angel and I are just helpless slaves to passion. Grow up! Cut to the park. Angel and Buffy are locked in a passionate kiss. Buffy breaks off. Buffy: I really... Angel: I know. They continue kissing. After a few seconds Buffy breaks off again. Buffy: You know, this isn't hunting in the classical sense. We should... Angel: You're right. They kiss some more. A few moments later they break off again. Angel: Okay. Buffy: Okay. (kiss) Okay. They walk side by side for a few paces. Buffy: You see anything? Angel: No. Buffy: Okay. (faces him) Enough hunting. They begin their passionate kissing with renewed vigor. The camera pans away from them over to a wall among the trees. The Gorch brothers are crouched on top, watching them. Tector: That the Slayer? Lyle: Yep. Tector: Ain't that Angelus with her? Lyle: Yep. Tector: Well, how come she ain't slayin'? And how come he's about to make me blush? Lyle: Well, I don't know, Tector. And how come you's always askin' me so many stupid questions? Tector: So, you wanna take him, or, uh, you want me to, Lyle? Lyle: I say we leave it. Wait till she's alone. Tector: Why? You scared? Lyle: Nope. I could whip 'em both right now if I wanted to. Tector: Then why don't ya? Lyle: (looks at Tector) 'Cause I got me a plan. I'm the one that does the thinkin', 'member? Tector: Yeah. You do the thinkin', Lyle. That is definitely your department. So why don't you tell me again why we can't kill 'em now? Fade to black. Cut to Buffy's room. She walks in and over to her bed. Buffy: Okay, little egg dude. (sits and opens her egg diary) Let's see. (reads) Feeding? Check. (marks) Burping? Eeeew... Check (marks) Diapers (looks at the egg's basket) Sort of, in theory, I guess. (marks) She puts the pen in the binder coil. Buffy: Okay. She sets the notepad down and crawls under the covers. She yawns and looks at her egg in its basket on her nightstand. Buffy: Good night, Eggbert. She taps her egg gently and then reaches up to turn off the light. She pulls up the covers and settles in to sleep. Cut outside the house later that night. Cut to Buffy's room. The camera pans across her stuffed animals arranged on one side of her bed, past her and over to the egg. The clock reads 2:03am. The egg is rocking back and forth. The camera closes in on it. A small hole has almost been chipped out. The plug breaks open, and a long, thin tentacle begins to make its way out. It angles over towards Buffy and branches out into several fingers as it makes its way over to her. ~~~~~~~~~~ Part 2 ~~~~~~~~~~ Buffy's room at night. The tentacle continues over to Buffy. One of its fingers goes into her ear. Another one lays itself across her left eye. A third one covers her right eye. Another goes around her neck and presumably into her other ear. Cut to a view of her with the egg in the foreground. The tentacles are now just lying on her face. The focus of the camera goes off of Buffy and onto the egg in its basket. Cut to the sewers the next morning. The Gorch brothers are relaxing and waiting out the sunlight that is visible at the end of the tunnel. Tector is having breakfast. Lyle is lying back with his feet up and has his face covered with his hat. Tector: I'm tired of rat. How come we can't stay in a nice place? (puts the dead rat down) A motel or somethin'? Maybe, uh... Maybe one with an ice machine. Lyle: 'Cause we got to keep a low profile till we get this Slayer business taken care of. Tector: Well, how come Angelus is gettin' all cuddly with her, Lyle? I mean, does the man have no code? Lyle: (stirs) Tector... (leans up on his elbow) You gonna be pesterin' me with these questions all damn day? Tector: I just don't like it here. Ain't a decent whore in the whole city limits. Lyle: So, this is the thanks I get? (stands up) Well. Don't I take care of ya? Didn't I near raise ya myself? Hmm? Burden that you were, maybe I shoulda left you on that doorstep when Momma blew town. Tector: Don't say that, Lyle. Lyle: Now I'm takin' care of this. Tector: You afraid of the girl? Lyle: I'm just playin' it safe. We're just gonna follow her around a little while, find our time. 'Cause this ain't over. Tector: (smiles to himself) I think you *are* afraid of the Slayer. Lyle: (nods) Alright. I'm gonna beat you like a redheaded stepchild. (points) Throw your ass out in that sunlight. C'mon. Tector: You think you can? Lyle: (goads him on) Giddy-up, son. He adjusts his hat and coat while he waits for Tector to stand up. Tector adjusts his hat, too, and smile at his brother. He rears back and takes the first swing, hitting Lyle squarely in the jaw. Lyle looks at his brother, nods and punches him hard in the face. Tector has to take a couple of steps backward to keep from losing his balance. Tector: (laughs) Oh, man! He comes back and punches Lyle in the gut. Lyle doubles over for an instant, then straightens up and gives Tector a wide smile. Lyle: Yippe-ki-yay, matey! He throws another punch at his brother. Cut to Buffy's room in the morning. The camera pans across her stuffed animals to her face. The egg's tentacle is gone. Her alarm goes off, and she wakes. She reaches out to hit the snooze button. She runs her hand through her hair, sits up and moans. Buffy: Oh... Oh, God... She gets up out of bed. The hole in the eggshell has sealed itself. Cut to the kitchen. Joyce takes a sip of her coffee and sets the cup back down. She goes over to the toaster as Buffy comes in. Buffy sets her egg down on the island and walks around to where her mother was sitting. She takes the cup and sips the coffee as she sits down on the stool. Joyce brings the toast over to the island on a plate. Joyce: At least eat something if you're gonna drink that. Buffy: Not that hungry. Joyce breaks off a piece of toast and munches it. She indicates the egg. Joyce: How's the parenting going? Buffy: Fine. Joyce: Are you sure your egg is secure in that? Buffy: (looks up at her) Did I ask for backseat mommying? Joyce: (gives her a look) Are we a little touchy this morning? Buffy: No, I just feel all funky. Joyce: Hmm. (feels her forehead) You don't have a fever. Buffy: Oh, no, it's not that, I just... I didn't sleep well. Joyce: (bends down to her daughter) What's the matter? Your egg keep you up all night? Buffy: (gives her mom a look) You're killing me. Parenting's a pain! Joyce: (straightens up and smiles smugly) Wait till it starts dating. Buffy lets out an exasperated breath, picks up her egg and leaves. Cut to the library. Giles is returning some books to the shelves. He walks out from behind the stacks to see Xander, Willow and Buffy looking up at him from the bottom of the steps. Giles: Oh! Why are you three hanging about? Don't you have classes to go to? Willow: Teen health got canceled. Xander: Mr. Whitmore's out. Couldn't find an egg sitter or something. Buffy and Willow walk up a few steps. Giles: Well, then, can you give me a hand? Buffy and Willow: No. They sit down on the steps. Xander hops up the steps to the mezzanine level. Xander: Sure! (starts to shelve some books) Giles: How did the, um... hunt go last night, Buffy? Buffy: No go. Giles: Uh, 'no', 'no' you didn't go, or, or, or you were unsuccessful? Buffy: No Gorches. Xander: Apparently Buffy has decided the problem with the English language is all those pesky words. (looks at her) You... Angel... big... smoochies? Buffy: Shut... up. Giles: I-it's true, Buffy, you and Willow do seem a little sluggish. Are you quite sure everything's alright? Buffy and Willow exchange a look. Willow: Maybe something we ate. Xander: Or perhaps it's the burden of parenthood. Notice how seriously you two have taken this egg thing. (the girls clutch their egg baskets) While I, in turn, have, uh, well, chosen a (takes his egg out of his shirt pocket) more balanced approach. (starts tossing it around) Willow: (concerned) Xander, maybe you shouldn't... Xander: (interrupts) That's exactly what I'm talking about. (tosses) You can't stress over every little thing! (tosses) A child picks up on that. Which is a one-way ticket (tosses) to neurotic city. He catches and tosses the egg again, but misses the next catch. The girls gasp in fright as the egg hits the floor. Giles lets out a yelp, too, but then stares at the egg curiously. It just wobbles to a stop, unbroken. Willow: (surprised) It didn't break! (suspicious) How come it didn't break? Xander: (realizes he's been found out) Which is another secret to conscientious egg care: pot of scalding water and about eight minutes. Willow: You boiled your young? Xander: Yeah! I know it sounds cruel, but sometimes you gotta be cruel to be kind! I mean, you can bet that little Xander here is thick skinned now. Xander reaches down for the egg and picks it up. Giles: Technically that would be cheating, yes? He reaches up to put a book on a high shelf. At the back of the shelf there's an egg. Xander: No! It's like a short cut. You know, when you run a race? Buffy: That would also be cheating. Willow: (shakes her head) You should be ashamed. Giles: I suppose there is a sort of... Machiavellian ingenuity to your transgression. Xander: I resent that! (gets a look from Giles) Or possibly thank you. Cordelia comes walking into the library. Cordelia: Figures you three would all be hanging in the dungeon while something major's going on at Sunnydale High. Xander: And what would that be, Cordelia? Barrette Appreciation Day? (goes back to his shelving) Cordelia: Mr. Whitmore didn't show today. Buffy: That news is of the past. Cordelia: He's missing? (the girls all look at Giles) Presumed dead? Giles: Presumed by whom? Cordelia: Well, me! (crosses her arms) Giles: I think we should give him a few hours before we give up on him completely. Cordelia: Well, I think we should look around, don't you Xander? Xander: (looks at her and shakes his head) It can wait. Cordelia: Well, his body could fall out of a closet somewhere. Xander looks at the others nervously. Cordelia: So we should check some closets to see if he's in a closet? Xander: (points at her) You're right. There could be a closet. Let's go. He points at Buffy and Willow as he comes down the stairs. Xander: You guys look for more clues. We'll meet back here. He takes Cordelia by the arm and guides her out of the library. Buffy: (unenthusiastically) We'll get right on it. Willow: (staring after them) Are they getting weirder? Have you noticed the weirdness of them? (looks at Buffy) Buffy: They're weird. (to Giles) Should I have guilt about not looking for Mr. Whitmore? Giles: I-I'd rather you conserve your strength for hunting the Gorches. Buffy: I'll be fine by tonight. Maybe I'll sweep the cemetery? Giles: (concerned) Well, be careful, i-i-if you're still feeling a little sluggish. Buffy: No worries. Willow: And Angel's helping you, right? Buffy: He does what he can. Cut to the cemetery that night. Buffy and Angel are engaged in a passionate kissing session once again. Buffy: Ahh... (kisses) (breaks off) As much as I hate to say this, we should really go kill bad guys. (kiss) Angel: It's late. You should really get home. Hmm? (kiss) Buffy: What about the Gorches? (kiss) Angel: I'll hunt. (kiss) Buffy: Really? (pulls back and smiles) You'd do that? Angel: Not like I have an early day tomorrow. Buffy: Mm, (kiss) true. (they walk) I still have to go home and fill out my egg diary. Angel: Your what? Buffy: Oh, I told you, that faux parenting gig we're doing at school. (faces him) Like I'm really planning to have kids anytime soon. Uh, maybe *some*day, in the future, when I'm done having a life, but... right now kids would be just a little too much to deal with. Angel: I wouldn't know. (looks at her) I don't... Well, you know, I, I can't. Buffy: Oh. (looks away briefly, then back) That's okay, um... I-I figured there were all sorts of things vampires couldn't do. You know, like work for the Telephone Company, or volunteer for the Red Cross, or... have little vampires. Angel: So you don't think about the future? Buffy: No. Angel: Never? Buffy: No. Angel: (swallows) You really don't care what happens a year from now? Five years from now? Buffy: Angel, when I look into the future, a-a... all I see is you! All I want is you. Angel: I know the feeling. He reaches down to kiss her. He finds her lips and she responds. They kiss more and more passionately. The camera pans away from them and across a gravestone that reads 'In Loving Memory'. Cut to the halls at school that night. The night watchman comes walking along and checks a door. Finding it properly locked he continues on. He stops at the hall intersection and looks each way. To his right he sees the door to the basement standing ajar, and goes over to it. He opens it wider, looks in and enters. Cut into the basement. The watchman comes down the steps making no attempt to be quiet. The doors to the boiler room are open, and he steps in. He tries the light switch, but it doesn't work. Watchman: Hello? Is anybody in here? He pulls out his Maglite, turns it on and continues into the room. The lights on the boiler controls are active and the fires are burning. When he's walked past the boilers he sees a huge hole in the concrete wall behind a bunch of stacked up barrels and boxes. He slowly walks over to the stack with his flashlight held over his shoulder like a bat, lighting the way but ready to swing if need be. Finding no one there he puts his Maglite down and pushes aside a stack of boxes blocking the way. He can see the hole clearly now, and a tunnel continues on beyond it. He picks up his flashlight again and holds it ready like before. He steps up to look through the hole. Behind him Mr. Whitmore appears holding a pick and slams him across the back with it, making him fall through the hole and knocking him out. Mr. Whitmore climbs through the hole after the watchman. Cut to Buffy's room. She climbs in through the window, and her egg rocking in its basket immediately grabs her attention. She stares at it a second, and then comes over to it. She bends down to look at it closely, not having expected it to hatch and curious about it. She gets closer and closer, staring at it intently. The top half of the shell cracks into thirds. Suddenly two of the pieces fly away while the third just falls back, and she sees a purplish-gray thing with tentacles is curled up inside of it. It jumps out at her, and she reacts instantly. It misses her, lands on the floor and quickly crawls under her bed. Buffy is stunned, but quickly regains her composure, and reaches down into her wicker laundry basket for her iron. She stands back up and looks at the darkness under her bedspread. Slowly she approaches her bed and kneels down. She quickly raises the spread and looks underneath with the iron held ready to smash anything that might come at her. Nothing. She stands back up and scans around her room. Whatever it was, it's nowhere to be seen. Suddenly it falls onto her shoulder from above. It tries to crawl down her back, but she grabs it and flings it off. It crawls quickly behind her desk and along the wall past her bookcase toward her bed. She looks for a different weapon, and grabs a pair of scissors from her desk. The creature, in the mean time, has disappeared again. She approaches her bed with the scissors held ready to stab. Behind her the hatchling crawls up the wall. Buffy senses it and swings around with the scissors and stabs it dead center. She pulls it off of the wall, impaled on the scissors, and slams it to the floor. She steps on its tail to hold it down while she stabs it several more times. Satisfied of its demise she drops the scissors and crawls backward to lean against her bed. Her next thought is to call Willow. She frantically grabs for her phone on the nightstand and knocks it and the clock to the floor. She grabs the receiver and nervously taps in the numbers. Buffy: Come on! Pick up! Willow: (after the first ring) Hello? Buffy: Willow! Are you okay? Willow: (cut to her) Why shouldn't I be? Buffy: (cut to her) Your egg! I-is it doing anything? Willow: (cut to her) (confused) Doing what? Buffy: Break it! (cut to her) Right now! I want you to smash it with something heavy! Willow: Buffy, what... Buffy: My egg! It went... It went postal on me! The thing hatched, and it, it sprung this creepy-crawly thing, and it attacked me! Willow: (cut to her) Are you okay? Buffy: (cut to her) Yeah, no, I'm fine, but, but your egg! Willow: (cut to her) I-is totally normal. Uh, I put it in the fridge. Buffy: Oh. Willow: Maybe it's a trap. Something the Gorch bothers planted for you? Buffy: (cut to her) Maybe. Yeah, uh... I'm sorry, I shouldn't have woken you. Uh, g-go back to sleep. Willow: (cut to her) You sure? Buffy: (cut to her) Yeah! Yeah, I'm, I'm better. I'm, I'm fine. Willow: (cut to her) Okay. I'll see ya tomorrow. Cut to Buffy. She lowers the phone and turns it off. Cut to Willow. She puts her phone back in its cradle. The two halves of the empty eggshell are covered on the inside with a grayish-blue slime. The camera pulls in for a close-up of Willow's face. She stares blankly off into space. [SCENE_BREAK] ~~~~~~~~~~ Part 3 ~~~~~~~~~~ Buffy's room at night. She puts her phone and its cradle back on her nightstand behind her clock. It's 2:45am. Suddenly she hears her door open and her mother coming in. Joyce: What's going on in here? Thinking quickly Buffy grabs the cloth from her former egg's basket and lays it over the dead creature. Joyce: Buffy, who are you talking to at this ho...? Buffy scrambles to her feet and faces her mother, eyes wide with surprise. Joyce: Why are you dressed? Where exactly do you think you're going at this hour of the night? Buffy: Nowhere. Joyce: Who was that on the phone? (comes in further) Buffy: Um, uh, Willow. (exhales) She wasn't feeling well today, so I was just calling to make sure she was feeling better. Joyce: (crosses her arms) You're gonna have to do much better than that, young lady. Buffy: I had a bad dream? Joyce: Oh, no, you're about to have a bad dream! (comes to stand next to her) A dream that you are grounded for the rest of your natural life. Cut to the next morning in their Jeep pulling to a stop in front of the school. Joyce: Which means: no after school socializing, no Bronze, no nothing. Not until I say so. Do you understand? Buffy: Yeah, but I think you're... Joyce: (interrupts) Now, school ends at 2:30. I want you to go to the library at 2:33 and study until I pick you up there at 5:30. Understood? Buffy: Yeah. Joyce: Good. Have a nice day. Buffy undoes her seatbelt, grabs her backpack and gets out of the car. She closes the door behind her and pulls on the backpack while she watches her mother drive off. She climbs the stairs up from the street and goes over to Cordelia who just finished talking with a friend. She has a teddy bear backpack. Buffy: Nice bear. Listen is your... Cordelia: (interrupts) Hey, I'll have you know that my father brought this bear back from Gstaad years ago. Then all of a sudden these trendoids everywhere started sporting them. So I'm totally not wearing it. Then I thought, hey, I'm the one who started this nationwide craze! What am I ashamed of? Buffy: Okay, Soliloquy Girl, I just wanted to ask about your egg. Cordelia: My egg? Buffy: Yeah. Your egg. The one Mr. Whitmore gave you. Cordelia: It's in my bear. Buffy: So, your egg isn't acting odd or anything? Cordelia: It isn't acting anything. It's an egg, Buffy, it doesn't emote. (sees another friend) Shanisse! (goes away) Is that your real hair? Buffy watches her go. Willow puts her hand on Buffy's shoulder, and she turns to face her. Willow: Hey! Buffy: Hi! Cut to Xander munching on a candy bar. He looks down at it as he chews hard. Xander: Mm. Cardboardy! He sits on a wall and discards the rest of the candy bar. He opens his satchel and digs through it for his egg. He pulls it out, looks at it and lets out a breath. Xander: Sorry, Junior, but a man's gotta eat. He taps the egg a few times on the wall next to him and then rolls it back and forth under his hand. Cut to Buffy and Willow walking across the grass toward Xander. Behind them Cordelia catches up as she looks through a book. Willow: So, was there any more hatchling activity last night? Buffy: No. Uh, you were probably right. It was just a trap from them set for me. And, (sees Cordelia) mm, (indicates her) everyone else's egg seemed perfectly normal. Xander: Did you bring the thing that attacked you. Buffy: Yeah. Giles wants to see it. He's in full research mode. Willow: Okay. Well, bring it to the science lab, and I'll get Giles, and we'll analyze it. The camera pans around them and focuses on Willow's lower back. Buffy: Great. You know, I always say that a day without an autopsy... is like a day without sunshine. The camera shows a hatchling attached to Willow's back under her shirt. Cut to Xander. He smiles and nods at the girls when he sees them coming. Xander: Hey. He holds up the egg, ready to take a bite. There's a purplish-gray creature still inside, dead from being boiled. Xander looks at it just as he's about to bite into it and freaks out. He screams as he tosses the egg away from him. Cut to the science lab. The hatchling is laid out in a dissection tray. Xander taps his fingers on the table as he and Buffy look at it. Xander: Can I just say Gyughhh! Buffy: I see your 'Gyughhh!' and raise you a Nyaghhh! Cordelia: What is it? Xander: We don't know what it is, Cordelia, that's why we're here. Capisce? Cordelia: 'Capisce'? What are you, world traveler now? Willow comes into the lab. Buffy: Hey, where's Giles? I know he won't wanna miss this. Willow: He said to get started. He'll be by as soon as possible. Xander: So, okay! Get started, Buffy! Dissect it or something. (hands her a scalpel) Buffy: (takes the blade) Me? Why do *I* have to dissect it? Xander: Uh, because you're the Slayer? Buffy: And I slayed! My work here is done. (puts the scalpel on the table in front of Xander) Xander: Oh, no, I almost *ate* one of those things. I think I've fulfilled my gross-out quota for the decade. Willow: Guys... She takes the scalpel and starts the dissection. The camera pans around Cordelia to her bear. Xander: Do we even know what to look for? I mean, how are we supposed to figure out what this thing is? The bear's right eye pops out and a tentacle emerges. Buffy: Turn it over. Maybe we missed its ID bracelet. The bear's left eye pops out and another tentacle emerges. Xander: So, now I guess, uh, we know what happened to Mr. Whitmore. Cut to them talking. Cordelia: He saw this and ran away? Buffy: Try best case scenario. Willow: It's possible that Mr. Whitmore wasn't harmed. Maybe the offspring simply used him to return to the mother bezoar. Cordelia leans over to pick something up. Xander: Yeah. Maybe he... (turns to Willow) What? Cordelia straightens back up holding a metal bar, which she wields like a baseball bat. Buffy: What's a bez... Cordelia hits Buffy in the face with the bar, knocking her down and out. Xander: Cordy! What... Willow picks up a microscope and hits Xander over the head with it just as he looks back at her again. The screen goes black. Cut to the utility closet. It's pitch dark inside. Willow opens the door, and she and Cordelia drag Xander in. They heave him in, and he falls to the floor. They step out to let two boys drag Buffy in as well, and they let her drop unceremoniously. They leave the closet, and Willow closes and locks the door. Cut to the groundkeeper's shed. Willow opens the double doors and walks in. Cordelia follows her, and a line of students is right behind. Willow walks up to a post where a couple of dozen picks, axes, hoes and shovels are kept. She grabs a pickaxe and heads back out of the door. Cordelia grabs a hoe and follows. Student after student, and even an occasional teacher, grabs a digging tool and follows Willow. Cut to the hall outside the basement door. Willow walks up to the open door and heads right in. The line of students is right behind her. Cut inside the basement. They come down the stairs and head into the boiler room. One by one they step though the hole in the wall and follow the tunnel down. Mr. Whitmore is standing by the hole keeping guard. Cut outside the school. It's gotten dark. Cut to the library. Joyce walks in and looks around. Joyce: Buffy? She continues in and keeps looking. Joyce: Hello? Giles: (pokes his head out of the cage) Hello? Joyce: (faces him) Oh! Mr. Giles, hi. Uh, I-I was looking for Buffy. She, she was supposed to wait for me here. Giles: Well, sh-she hasn't been in. I-I've been waiting to talk to her myself about, uh, uh... h-history texts. Joyce: (leans on the card catalog) That is just the last straw! Giles: I-I'm sure she didn't mean to, uh... Joyce: She never means to, but somehow she always manages to anyway. Do you have children, Mr. Giles? Giles: Um... Joyce: (whispers) Sh-should I be whispering? Giles: (whispers) No. (speaks) A-a-and, uh, no, I, I haven't any children. A-although, uh, sometimes I feel as though I do, uh, working here... Joyce: They can be such a... (considers her words) Oh, uh, I-I-I don't want to say 'burden', but, uh... Uh, actually I kind of *do* want to say 'burden'! (smiles) Giles: (smiles) Feel free! Joyce: Oh, they're just so irresponsible. Giles: Sometimes. Joyce: (notices the books lying on the catalog) 'Bristow's Demon Index', 'Hell's Offspring'? Giles: (takes the books) A hobby of mine, uh, but, uh, having nothing to do with Buffy in any way. He takes the books into the cage, stows them on a shelf and then comes back out. Giles: Um, you say Buffy told you that she'd be here all afternoon? Joyce: Well, yes. I-i-is something wrong? Giles: Oh, I'm sure it's nothing. (pulls open a drawer) (hears a noise in the hall) What was that? Joyce: Mm, probably the janitor. She faces the door to look. Giles takes a hatchling out of the card catalog drawer and sets it on Joyce's back. She screams as she tries to reach around her back and falls to the floor. Giles stares blankly off into space. ~~~~~~~~~~ Part 4 ~~~~~~~~~~ The hall outside the library. Giles and Joyce come walking out into the hall staring blankly ahead and join the line of students and teachers heading for the basement. Cut to the utility closet. Buffy has regained consciousness and reaches up for the light string and gives it a yank. She takes a quick look around and then looks down at Xander, still out cold on the floor. Buffy: Hey! Xander! (slaps his cheek) Hey! You alright? Xander: (wakes, moans and blinks his eyes) Last time Cordy dragged me in here it was a lot nicer. Buffy: What? Xander: Uh... (fully awake now) Huh? Nothing. Uh, crazy talk. Head trauma. Buffy: (helps him sit up) Tell me about it. I'm gonna have a (feels her head) big bump. Xander: Uh, I'm gonna have a peninsula! (points at his head) Here, (she helps him up) what, what the hell's goin' on? Cordy and Willow? They look around the room. Buffy: Something to do with the hatchlings, I'm sure of it. She tries the door but finds it locked. Xander: What, are they possessed? Buffy: I don't know. But they sure wanted us out of the way. Xander: (holding his head) Well, why not kill us? (lets go of his head) Why, uh, why drag us in here? Buffy spots two eggs on the floor. Xander follows her gaze. One of them is rocking. Xander: Oh. (steps back) Bad now. Buffy looks around for something heavy and sees a toolbox. She picks it up from the shelf, raises it and smashes it onto the two eggs. A dark blue slime squirts out around the toolbox. Then she kicks open the door. Xander: (holds his head again) Thank you. (moans and follows her out) Cut to the library. Buffy and Xander come rushing in. Buffy: Giles! Xander: Giles! They look around, but find the place deserted. Xander: He must be out somewhere. Buffy: Well, he picked a helluva time to get a life. Xander: What are we gonna do? Buffy: We can't fight these things until we know something about 'em. Xander: (thinks) Alright, Willow said something. Uh, a name. What was it? Buffy: A bozo! Not a bozo. Xander: A bezoar. Buffy: That's it! Okay, so now... we look it up? Xander: In what? Buffy: A book? They look over at the counter where there are several books lying open and go over to them. Buffy: Giles said he was gonna try to find something... She takes the book on top that's open to a picture and turns it around to look at it. The sketch is of a disk-shaped, tentacled monster. Buffy: And I'd say he found something. Xander moves around her to have a look himself, steps on half an eggshell and looks down at it. Xander: I'd say something found him. Cut to the basement. Giles and Joyce lead a line of students to the hole and step through. They head down the tunnel and come out into another room deeper underground. Giles heads to the side ramp that leads to a slightly lower level and takes a crowbar handed to him by Mr. Whitmore, who has a box of new bezoar eggs in his other arm. The camera pans across the room, past Cordelia wiping off eggs being handed to her from below by another student, to Willow pounding on the concrete floor with a sledgehammer. Joyce goes down the other side and takes a hoe held out to her by the watchman. She starts banging it on the floor as the watchman goes back to his post. Cut to a close-up of the floor. A large chunk has broken off and appears to be floating on something. Willow and Joyce keep pounding on it to break it up into smaller pieces. Cut to a student pulling an egg out from between some larger gaps in the floor. He hands it up to Cordelia, who wipes it off in a towel and hands it to Mr. Whitmore, who places it in a wooden box filled with wood shavings and more eggs. Cut to the floor again. The camera pans over to a large hole in the floor where the concrete has already been removed and shows the pink-fleshed mother bezoar's body as it moves and throbs. Cut to the library. Buffy reads from the book out loud. Buffy: 'Pre-pre-historic parasite. The mother hibernates underground, laying eggs. The offspring then attach themselves to a host, taking control of their motor functions through neural clamping.' Xander: 'Neural clamping.' That sounds skippable. Buffy: So, our people are taking orders from the mama bezoar. Which begs the question... Xander: What does mama want? They hear a student screaming out in the hall. Jonathon: Somebody help me! They run out to investigate. Cut to the hall. Jonathon is struggling with a hatchling on his back and falls to the floor, screaming. Jonathon: Get this thing off me! Get this... Somebody help me! Help! Buffy and Xander come running out the door and see Jonathon get back up. Buffy: Are you okay? Jonathon: (deadpan) I'm fine. I slipped. He turns and heads down the hall. Buffy and Xander exchange a look. Buffy: I think I hear mommy calling. Xander: Uh-huh. They follow Jonathon down the hall. Cut to the boiler room. Jonathon comes walking in and heads straight for the hole. Buffy and Xander peek in, and seeing no one else is there follow him in. Around the corner from the boilers they see Jonathon climb through the hole and head down the tunnel. Xander: Do we really wanna go in there? Buffy: We really don't. They exchange another look and make for the hole. Buffy climbs in and looks back at Xander before continuing down the tunnel. Xander: Careful. He starts through as well, but doesn't lift his foot high enough and trips through the hole and falls into the tunnel. Cut to the room below. The digging and egg gathering activity continues. Jonathon comes walking in. Behind him Buffy and Xander peek into the room. Xander: What are they diggin' up? The camera pans over to a student and shows the pink mother bezoar in the pit. Buffy: Oh, boy. She sees Cordelia handing Mr. Whitmore an egg. Buffy: We can't let them spread those eggs. Xander: I'll handle it. Um, can you, uh, hold down the fort?

For Health class, students unknowingly adopt "eggs" of a Bezoar demon growing under the school. Its arachnoid "babies" are able to directly control a person's central nervous system. Dealing with a pair of outlaw vampire brothers in addition to slaying the enormous Bezoar before its progeny take over Sunnydale, Buffy gets ultra-grounded for her trouble.

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fd_CSI__Crime_Scene_Investigation_05x22_0

FLASH OPEN: [EXT. VARIOUS LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) - NIGHT] [INT. CSI - HALLWAY / DNA LAB -- NIGHT] (The camera follows Catherine down the hallway toward the DNA lab. Catherine steps into the lab. Mia Dickerson, working at the table, looks up.) Catherine: Hi. Mia Dickerson: Hey. (Catherine takes the two swab boxes out of the plastic bag and holds them out for Mia.) Catherine: Husband and wife got into it. Mia Dickerson: Hmm. (Mia takes the swabs from Catherine.) Mia Dickerson: Hmm. What set them off? Catherine: She caught him with a hooker in their bed. She cut him. He killed her. Mia Dickerson: What about the hooker? Catherine: She grabbed his wallet and took off. I caught the guy just sitting on a curb. I swabbed his hands for blood spatter. Mia Dickerson: I am super backed up. Can this wait till tomorrow? Catherine: (shrugs) He's not going anywhere. Thanks, Mia. (Catherine turns, walks out of the lab and into the hallway.) (She sees Warrick and Nick turn the corner talking with each other.) Nick: Yeah ... (She joins them, putting an arm around each of them.) Catherine: Oh, hey, guys. I could really use a drink. You want to join me? I'm buying. Warrick: I'd love a drink, but we made plans, though. Catherine: You did? Warrick: Tomorrow. Nick: Rain check. Catherine: All right. Nick: Rain check. (Nick and Warrick both continue down the hallway, leaving Catherine alone.) Catherine: (sighs) Okay. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. HIGHBALL - FRONT - NIGHT] (A group of women walk toward the entrance as a taxi drives away.) [INT. HIGHBALL -- NIGHT] (Catherine sits at the bar talking with Adam Novak.) Adam Novak: No way you were never married. Oh, let me guess. You were young, he seemed more mature than he really was, he swept you off your feet, and, uh, he let you fall. Catherine: Bruised, but not broken. (The bartender checks on them.) Bartender: Get you another one? Catherine: No, I'm good, thanks. (Adam lightly brushes his fingertips up and down Catherine's bare arm.) Adam Novak: So you're divorced? Catherine: (nods somewhat) You? Adam Novak: Yeah. She seemed more mature than she really was; swept me off my feet. (She chuckles.) Adam Novak: Kids? Catherine: Uh, yes, I have a daughter. Adam Novak: If she's got her mother's looks, you're in trouble. (He leans in closer to her and whispers into her ear. Catherine chuckles.) Catherine: If I don't get home soon, I will be in trouble. (Catherine finishes her drink.) Catherine: Thanks. I needed this. Adam Novak: If you're blowing me off, no worries. (He opens a matchbook and writes his phone number down inside the lid.) Adam Novak: But if you're not ... (He gives her the matchbook.) ... give me a call. (Catherine takes it and puts it in her bag. She turns to leave. He stops her.) Adam Novak: Wait a second. Let me walk you to your car. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. HIGHBALL - PARKING LOT - NIGHT] (Catherine and Adam Novak are kissing in front of her car. Catherine pushes him away.) Catherine: I can't do this tonight. I ... I'll call you. (Catherine opens the car door. Not liking the brush off, Adam shuts the door on Catherine.) Adam Novak: What the hell is your problem? (Catherine tries to tug the door open, but he holds it shut on her.) Catherine: Go to hell. (She pulls and he lets go. The door opens, hitting Catherine in the cheekbone. She groans.) (He leans in close to her.) Adam Novak: You're not worth the trouble. (Adam Novak leaves.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CATHERINE'S RESIDENCE - BEDROOM -- NIGHT] (The phone rings. Catherine groans and sighs. The phone continues to ring.) (She answers it.) Catherine: (to phone) Hello. [INT. CATHERINE'S RESIDENCE - LIVING ROOM - NIGHT -- LATER] (Dressed, Catherine sneaks over to her mother sleeping on the couch.) Catherine: (whispers) Mom, Mom. Grissom just called. I've got to go in. I'm backing up grave. (Catherine's mother wakes up and sniffs.) Lily Flynn: What? Vodka, with an Altoid chaser. Catherine: I brushed my teeth. (She notices the cut on Catherine's cheek.) Lily Flynn: What did you do, walk into a door? Catherine: Hey, listen, Lindsey's got a dentist appointment before school. I wrote all the information down in the kitchen. Lily Flynn: Okay. Catherine: Okay? Thank you. (Catherine's mom settles to go back to sleep.) Lily Flynn: Oh, good grief, girl. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. GARAGE -- NIGHT] (Catherine walks over to the crime scene. Lights flash around her. Off screen, we hear a camera snap.) (In the parking structure, David Phillips checks the body while Grissom snaps photos.) (Catherine walks up to them.) Grissom: I appreciate this. Everyone's out. I'm short. Catherine: You're welcome. (Catherine looks at the body as Grissom snaps more photos. She notes that the victim's head is covered by her jacket.) Catherine: Clotted blood hasn't retracted yet. Grissom: She hasn't been dead long. Catherine: We have an ID? (Det. Vartann joins them.) Det. Vartann: Yeah, building manager took a peek. ID'd her as Alice Granger. Apartment 207. Moved here about a month ago. Grissom: David, you want to take the, uh, jacket off her face? (David Phillips removes the jacket to show that the woman is blonde. Grissom looks at Catherine and notices the cut on her cheek.) Grissom: What happened to you? Catherine: I walked into a door. Can we not talk about it? (David checks the wound on the top of the victim's head.) David Phillips: Gunshot. Looks like a small caliber weapon. Catherine: No cartridge casings. Det. Vartann: No purse, no car. I put out a bolo. Possible car jacking. (Quick flash to: [GARAGE - NIGHT] Alice Granger is in the garage when a person with a gun comes up behind her. The woman takes off running. The person follows her. She falls and is shot.) (End of flashback. Resume to present.) Grissom: Usually when a killer covers the victim's face, it suggests familiarity. An act of contrition. (Quick flashback to: [NIGHT] Alice Granger is dead. The killer drapes her jacket over her face.) (End of flashback. Resume to present.) Catherine: (nods) Maybe she knew her attacker. Grissom: Great. Carjacked by a friend. (Det. Vartann's phone rings. He answers it.) Det. Vartann: (to phone) Vartann. Yeah, got it. (He hangs up.) We got a 20 on her car. Grissom: You go; I'll stay with the body. I'll meet you there. (Catherine nods.) SHORT TIME CUT TO: [INT. CAR (MOVING) - NIGHT] (Catherine follows the officer's car to the next crime scene. They pull up in front of the Highball.) (In the reflection of the rear view mirror, we see Catherine's eyes widen as she realizes where they are.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. HIGHBALL - PARKING LOT -- NIGHT] (Catherine looks around the place as she and Det. Vartann head over to the officer standing near Alice Granger's car.) Det. Vartann: You see anybody get out of the car? Officer: No, sir. Saw it on patrol. Det. Vartann: You checked the bar? Officer: I waited for you. No one's exited since we got here. Det. Vartann: Okay, I'll see you inside. (The officer leaves. Catherine looks inside the car through the windows.) (She looks around, then at the technicians standing nearby.) Catherine: Can you open it up? Technician: Uh, yes, ma'am. (The technician jimmies the lock and opens the car door for Catherine.) Catherine: Thank you. (She looks inside the driver's side. Under the car seat, she finds a gun.) Catherine: I found a gun under the seat. (Grissom joins them. Catherine takes the gun out and shows it to them.) Catherine: .22 Beretta. Grissom: Well, that's small enough to be the weapon. Det. Vartann: So he shoots her, takes her car, and stops off for a drink. Grissom: He could still be in there. (Catherine stops examining the gun and looks at them.) Det. Vartann: Let's find out. (Det. Vartann turns and heads into the bar.) (Grissom holds a bag open.) Grissom: Did you hear the one about the cop and the monkey who walk into a bar? (Catherine puts the gun in the bag.) Catherine: I'm not in the mood. Grissom: Neither was the monkey. FADE TO END OF TEASER ROLL TITLE CREDITS [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. HIGHBALL -- NIGHT] [SLOW MOTION] (Det. Vartann and Catherine walk into the bar. Catherine looks around at the various people still at the bar. Her eyes settle on the blonde-haired bartender - the same one who served her drinks earlier in the night.) [RESUME MOTION] (The officer reports to Det. Vartann.) Officer: Except for the Saturn, all the cars in the lot are accounted for. Det. Vartann: Okay. Officer: Thanks. (The officer leaves. Det. Vartann starts to question the bartender.) Det. Vartann: Hi. You recognize this girl? (Catherine walks up to the bar.) Bartender: Yeah. She's been in a few times. Det. Vartann: How about last night? Bartender: (nods) Yeah. (The bartender turns and looks at Catherine. She recognizes Catherine from earlier. Catherine shakes her head.) Bartender: Throwing them back pretty good, too. Det. Vartann: You see anybody hassle her? Bartender: She was getting a lot of attention. She didn't really seem to mind. Catherine: Did you see her leave with anyone? Bartender: No. She was wasted. Had me call her a cab. Det. Vartann: Around what time? Bartender: We were really slammed. Maybe 2:00 ... 2:30. Catherine: Which cab company? Bartender: Lucky Cab. Det. Vartann: Well, that would explain why her car's still here. Catherine: Doesn't explain the gun. (Det. Vartann turns and walks away. Catherine leans toward the bartender.) Catherine: (whispers) Thank you. Bartender: Why? Do I know you? (Catherine smiles, turns and leaves.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - FORENSIC AUTOPSY -- NIGHT] (Robbins goes over the body with Grissom.) Robbins: I dug it out of the right frontal cortex. The bullet lacerated the right occipital lobe. It crossed the mid-line, destroying the vital structures of the brain and bounced off the left frontal calvarium. (Grissom looks at the bullet.) Grissom: Hmm. This is a .25 caliber. Robbins: What, disappointed? Grissom: We found a .22 in the victim's car. This just ruled that out as the murder weapon. Robbins: So shoot me. (Robbins goes back to the victim.) Stellate tear means close contact. See the muzzle impression around the entrance wound? (Grissom leans in for a closer look of the muzzle impression on the top of the shaved victim's head.) (Quick CGI POV of: The muzzle of the gun is close to the victim's head. The gun fires. The smoke clears, leaving an impression on the scalp.) (End of CGI POV. Resume to present.) Grissom: This could help identify the firearm. (Grissom takes a ruler and measures the angle of the entry wound.) Grissom: This is an unusual point of entry. Robbins: Yeah, I measured the trajectory. Ten to 15 degrees left of vertical. Grissom: Shooter would have to be standing over her. Robbins: Which would make him a giant, except for this. (Robbins lifts up the sheet and shows Grissom her knees.) Robbins: Abrasions on her knees. Grissom: So ... maybe she was kneeling. Robbins: Begging for her life. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - LAB -- DAY] (Sara and Catherine go over the victim's clothes. Sara takes out a credit card from the pocket.) Sara: So, Judge Wilson tells me I'd have better luck with a blue suit than a gray suit. What is that? Do you think he meant that? Do you think he was flirting with me or ... ? Catherine: I thought judges were supposed to be color blind. Sara: Yeah, right. That's cute. Catherine: I found some particulate on the jacket. Not sure what it is. I'll get it to Hodges. Sara: Pocket contents: Credit card, car keys, lipstick and one matchbook. Catherine: Can I see that? (Sara shows it to Catherine.) Sara: There's no name, just a phone number. (Quick flashback to: [HIGHBALL - NIGHT] Adam Novak writes down his number on a matchbook. He gives it to Catherine.) Adam Novak: Give me a call. (Catherine takes the matchbook.) (End of flashback. Resume to present.) Sara: I'll have Vartann run it down. (Sara opens the matchbook.) Catherine: You know, I've got to go pick up Lindsey. Could you cover for me? Sara: Sure. (Catherine stands and heads out of the lab.) Catherine: Thanks. Sara: Tell her I said, "hey." [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CAR (MOVING) -- DAY] (Catherine drives home and pulls up the driveway. She engages the brakes.) [INT. CATHERINE'S HOUSE - DAY - CONTINUOUS] (Catherine rushes into the house and goes to the kitchen to check the garbage. The bin is empty.) Catherine: Lindsey! Lindsey: Yeah. Catherine: What happened to the trash? Lindsey: I took it out, like you always tell me to. It's Thursday. (Catherine sighs.) Lindsey: Uh, hello, Mom, you okay? Catherine: Yeah, I'm great. (Catherine's mom steps into the kitchen and follows Catherine through the living room.) Lily Flynn: Are you sure about that? You want me to be the babysitter, but you want me to be deaf and blind too? (Catherine heads back out the front door.) Catherine: Can't get into this now, Mother. I'm in a jam. Lily Flynn: You haven't seen your daughter all week. (Catherine steps outside, her mother following her.) Catherine: Save the sermon. Lily Flynn: I was a working mother too, you know? Catherine: (to herself) There but for the grace of God ... Lily Flynn: Don't just assume that my time means nothing to me. (Catherine lifts the curb-side trash bin lid up and finds it empty.) Catherine: Damn it. (She shuts it and heads back to the car.) Lily Flynn: Catherine? (Catherine's phone rings.) Catherine: I threw something away. It's gone. Lily Flynn: You're throwing more than you know away. (Catherine opens her car door and answers her phone.) Catherine: (to phone) Yeah? Uh ... yeah, just wait till I get there. Yeah. (Catherine hangs up. She turns to look at her mom.) Catherine: Mom ... Lily Flynn: Go. Go. I'll be here when you get back. (Catherine's mom turns and heads back into the house, leaving Catherine standing by the car.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - TRACE LAB -- DAY] (Hodges sighs. In the background, we see Grissom walking down the hallway. Hodges looks up and sees Grissom walking by. He waves his arms in the air, trying to get Grissom's attention.) (As Grissom passes the door, he sees Hodges waving to him. Hodges motions for Grissom to come into his lab.) (Grissom steps into the lab. Hodges hands him a file folder.) Hodges: Results from Alice Granger's jacket. Found trace elements of iron, chromium, manganese and carbon. Grissom: Metals. Hodges: More specific, automotive sheet metal. The metallic balls would've been released into the air during the welding process. (Quick flash of: A person welding and the sparks flying. End of flash.) Grissom: So you're saying our killer has metal balls? Hodges: Yes ... maybe. Turns out that the victim worked in a car dealership, so she could've gotten metal balls on the job. And just in case you're wondering, working here, I'm developing them too. (Grissom flashes Hodges a humorless smile. He turns and leaves.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - HALLWAY -- DAY] (Catherine steps into the hallway. Greg catches up with her.) Greg: Yo. Catherine: Oh. What do you have for me? Greg: Bullet is a .25 auto caliber Winchester full metal jacket. You can't shoot .25s from a .22 caliber pistol. Catherine: I know. Greg: Which means the semi-automatic you found in Alice Granger's car isn't the murder weapon. Catherine: I know. Greg: Okay, well, did you know that the gun is registered to a Douglas Granger? [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - INTERVIEW ROOM -- DAY] (Catherine steps into the interview already in progress. Det. Vartann interviews Douglas Granger.) Det. Vartann: Were you jealous, Mr. Granger? I mean, she was a beautiful girl. Douglas Granger: I don't understand why you're asking me this. I'm her brother, not her husband. Det. Vartann: You still own a lot of guns. A .22 pistol, Colt .25, among others. Douglas Granger: That's right. Catherine: We found the .22 in Alice's car. (Douglas Granger sighs.) Douglas Granger: If she carried it in her purse instead of leaving it in the car, she might still be alive. (Det. Vartann glances at Catherine.) Det. Vartann: I don't follow. Douglas Granger: I gave her the gun last week. Det. Vartann: Then what? You shot her with your .25? Douglas Granger: Are you insane? It's no mystery who killed her. (Quick flash from Catherine's POV of Douglas Granger.) Douglas Granger: Jeff Simon, her ex-boyfriend. Guy was stalking her. (Quick flash from Catherine's POV of Douglas Granger's clasped hands and face.) Douglas Granger: She changed her phone number, changed jobs, moved a half dozen times. No matter where she went, there he was. Last week, I was over at her new apartment. Jerk sitting in his truck, in front of the building. Catherine: Is that when you gave her the gun? (He sighs.) Douglas Granger: Taught her how to shoot it. Helped her get a restraining order. Got zero help from you guys. "Catch him in the act." That's all we heard. Catherine: You know where we can find Jeff Simon? Douglas Granger: Yeah. We used to be friends. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. JUNKYARD - DAY] [SLOW MOTION] (Catherine follows Det. Vartann through the junkyard. As they step into the main building, REGULAR MOTION RESUMES.) [INT. JUNKYARD - MAIN BUILDING -- DAY] (They pass several workers welding. Det. Vartann asks the nearest worker.) Det. Vartann: Excuse me, I'm looking for Jeff Simon. (The worker turns and leads them over to a man using a saw. He taps him on the shoulder. Jeff Simon turns the saw off.) Det. Vartann: Jeff Simon? (Jeff Simon takes his shield helmet off.) Det. Vartann: Are you Jeff Simon? Jeff Simon: Yeah. (Det. Vartann shows him his badge.) Det. Vartann: When's the last time you saw Alice Granger? Jeff Simon: Before the restraining order kicked in. Det. Vartann: Come on. Jeff Simon: This is just a big misunderstanding, officer. Det. Vartann: Well, I'm glad you feel that way. You mind if we take a look in your truck? Jeff Simon: What did Alice say I did now? Det. Vartann: Where is it? (He turns and looks at Catherine. Catherine looks back at Jeff Simon.) (Quick flash from Catherine's POV of Jeff Simon's face and head.) Jeff Simon: I don't get a break for another half hour. Catherine: Look, we can get a court order. (Jeff Simon sighs and points back outside at his truck.) Jeff Simon: You can look anywhere you want. Just give Alice a message for me. I love her, and I want her back. (Det. Vartann and Catherine exchange glances.) Det. Vartann: Look, buddy, she's dead. (Jeff Simon takes a breath as the news hits him hard. He staggers back and sits down.) (Det. Vartann and Catherine exchange another glance.) Jeff Simon: What the ... I swear, I haven't been ... I haven't been anywhere near her since her brother broke us up. Catherine: I'm gonna check out his truck. (Catherine leaves. Det. Vartann crosses his arms and sticks with Jeff Simon.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. JUNKYARD - GARAGE - DAY - CONTINUOUS] (Catherine looks at the truck. She opens the driver's side door and takes a look inside. She climbs in and checks out the glove compartment.) (She looks at the seat and removes a jacket covering a laptop. She opens the laptop and finds it on to a map of the Las Vegas area. On the map is a blinking red circle.) (The monitor focuses in on the blinking red circle and an address pops up: 3057 WESTFALL AVE., LAS VEGAS.) (Catherine knows that address. She takes out her cell phone and dials.) Catherine: (to phone) Gil, the suspect has a laptop in his vehicle that has a GPS unit that's honed in on the lab. INTERCUT WITH: [INT. CSI - HALLWAY TO GARAGE - DAY] (Grissom is on the phone as he walks through the hallway.) Grissom: Well, you can't track a static location. It has to be something mobile. Catherine: (from phone) I know. That's why I'm calling. (Grissom turns the corner and heads for the garage where they're currently keeping Alice Granger's car.) (Cut to: Using a long-handled mirror, Grissom is checking under the car for the unit. He starts at the front, goes around the side and looks under the back. He finds the unit.) (He dials.) (Catherine answers the phone.) Catherine: Yeah. Grissom: You were right. We found a GPS transmitter under the rear bumper of the girl's car. Catherine: Thanks. (She hangs up the phone and shouts to Vartann.) Catherine: (to Vartann) He was tracking her car. Let's bring him in. Det. Vartann: Get up. (Jeff Simon gets up.) (Camera holds on Catherine.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - INTERVIEW ROOM -- DAY] (Catherine sits in the interview room across the table from Jeff Simon. The door opens and Dev. Vartann walks in with a file folder.) Det. Vartann: You are a real prize. Jeff, your prints are all over that box, which means one count felony stalking. That's seven to ten. Murder two adds a quarter. Now, you plead out now, you'll live to see parole. Jeff Simon: I didn't kill Alice. I loved her. Catherine: Is that your idea of love? Stalking her with a GPS unit? Jeff Simon: I wasn't stalking her. I wo-worried about her. Det. Vartann: So that restraining order she filed against you was because you're a nice guy. Jeff Simon: Let me tell you about Alice. She ... liked to party ... (Quick flashback to: [EXT. CLUB - NIGHT] Alice and her date head back to the car.) Jeff Simon: (V.O.) ... barely ate, hardly slept, ... JEFF SIMON'S POV: Jeff is sitting in the car across the street watching Alice and her date stand in front of the car. Alice kisses her date. Jeff Simon: (V.O.) ... didn't want to admit she had a drinking problem. (Camera swings over to the driver's side-view mirror and we see Jeff Simon's reflection as he glares at them. We hear the car door slam off screen.) (End of flashback. Resume to present.) Jeff Simon: She needed me to look out for her. Catherine: Well, there's a problem with your story. She called a cab. Jeff Simon: I'm telling you, Alice got into a Chrysler or... a Buick? It was blue, maybe black. And the guy she was with, maniac driver. Complete moron. Det. Vartann: Wait, wait. You ... you followed them? Jeff Simon: I had to. But I was pulled over by the cops. They kept me on-on the side of the road for over an hour. Det. Vartann: What time was this? Jeff Simon: It was around 2:00. It was a buck-fifty ticket. I'm innocent. Catherine: Cut the crap. We found trace amounts of automotive sheet metal on her clothing. You work around cars. If Alice picked it up from you, you were in violation of the T.R.O. Jeff Simon: Lady, until we broke up, we spent every waking minute together. She'd come over to my shop on her lunch break just to get some. Catherine: It was over, Jeff. She didn't want you to be her lover, her protector. She didn't want you within a hundred yards. Whatever trace from you we found on her was fresh. Jeff Simon: She worked around cars, too. I'm telling you, I'm innocent! Catherine: You were living a fantasy, thinking you still had a chance. When reality set in, you killed her. Jeff Simon: I only did one thing wrong. I didn't protect her from that guy. Det. Vartann: What did this guy look like? Jeff Simon: Sleazy b*st*rd. Slight build, dark hair. I think he had a leather jacket. (Catherine stares at Jeff Simon as she remembers.) (Quick flashback to: [HIGHBALL - NIGHT] Catherine chuckles as Adam Novak leans in close to whisper into her ear. We note that he's wearing a black leather jacket.) (End of flashback. Resume to present.) (Camera holds on Catherine.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - HALLWAY / GRISSOM'S OFFICE / DNA LAB] [SLOW MOTION] (Catherine walks through the hallway and into Grissom's office. Grissom is finishing up a phone call.) Grissom: (to phone) Okay. (He hangs up.) Catherine: Do you have a minute? Grissom: I got a problem in DNA. (Grissom heads out of his office and back into the hallway. Catherine follows him.) Catherine: Okay, uh, it really is only gonna take a minute. Um, I just need to have a conversation with you. Grissom: First things first. (Grissom and Catherine enter the DNA Lab.) Mia Dickerson: I processed the swabs from the wife who found her husband in the hooker case. Catherine: Right. Mia Dickerson: Two contributions. Catherine: Two? Mia Dickerson: One was a match to the wife's DNA. The other was from an unknown male. I found the same unknown male contribution on the swabs from the Alice Granger homicide. Grissom: Well, it's unlikely that they're connected. Mia Dickerson: They're not. I also matched that unknown male contribution to a rape kit from the day shift. Grissom: Cross contamination? Mia Dickerson: That's why I raised the alarm. I was able to narrow the time frame to the last 48 hours. Catherine: Are you saying that all the DNA evidence from the last two days has to be resubmitted and retested? Grissom: We don't have any choice. It's potentially all contaminated. (to Mia) Document everything. (Grissom leaves the lab. And leaves Catherine without hearing what she had to tell him.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - CATHERINE'S OFFICE] (Though the reflection of the mirror in her compact, Catherine fixes her make-up.) (In the background, we see the blurry figure of a person in the doorway.) Greg: Hey. Your suspect, Jeff Simon, just got released from custody. (Catherine closes her compact.) Catherine: How the hell did that happen? (She puts it down on her desk and pushes it out of sight.) Greg: His alibi checked out. I talked to the cop who pulled him over for speeding, at 2:15 A.M., right around T.O.D. Catherine: It's proof he lost track of her. (Thought the office window, we see Greg standing out in the hallway, just outside Catherine's doorway.) Greg: They jammed him for over an hour. I mean, made him walk the line, gave him a breathalyzer, the whole nine. (Catherine brushes her hair away from her eyes.) Greg: Guy confessed to stalking. At least you got him on that. Catherine: Which they'll probably kick down to a misdemeanor because she's dead. (Sara joins them. She stands next to Greg outside Catherine's office.) Sara: Hey. Phone number on the matchbook panned out. Guy's on his way to P.D. Catherine: (cautiously) You got a name? [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - INTERVIEW ROOM] (OFF THE SUSPECT. We see the back of the suspect's head as he's being interviewed by Det. Vartann and Grissom. Camera slowly moves around him.) Adam Novak: Was it necessary to show up at my office? Try the phone. I'm an officer of the court. Grissom: Mr. Novak ... do you recognize this telephone number? (He looks down, presumably at the number off screen. We see that Adam Novak is the same man Catherine met at the bar.) Adam Novak: That's my work number. Grissom: Did you write it on the matchbook? Adam Novak: I may have. What's this about? Det. Vartann: A homicide. That matchbook was found in a dead woman's pocket. Adam Novak: This the only evidence linking me to the victim? Det. Vartann: This will go much easier if you just answer our questions. Adam Novak: Oh, yeah? Easier for whom? Grissom: Why didn't you write your name on it? Det. Vartann: I'm a memorable guy. Grissom: Why not your home number? Adam Novak: This is getting tedious. At bars, I give out my work number to weed out the crazies. (Grissom shows Adam Novak a NEVADA DRIVER LICENSE: GRANGER, ALICE 7748 CANYON AVENUE LAS VEGAS NV 89101 ) Grissom: This is Alice Granger. Do you know her? Adam Novak: I bought her a drink last night. [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS] [SLOW MOTION] (Just outside, Catherine walks through the hallway toward the interview room.) Det. Vartann: (o.s.) Okay, why don't you, uh, walk us through your evening? Start with "I left the office..." [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - INTERVIEW ROOM - CONTINUOUS] Adam Novak: I was deposing a witness. Left the office late. Stopped at the Peppermill for a burger. Medium rare. No onions. Got to the Highball around 11:00. Met this redhead. Bought her a drink and ... (Adam Novak stops when he sees Catherine Willows walk into the interview room.) (Grissom turns around.) (Catherine clears her throat and introduces herself.) Catherine: Mr. Novak ... I'm Catherine Willows, CSI. (He scoffs.) Adam Novak: You want to know what happened next? Ask the redhead. (Grissom and Det. Vartann both turn and look at Catherine.) (Camera holds on Catherine.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - INTERVIEW ROOM] (Det. Vartann interviews Adam Novak.) Adam Novak: At a bar that time of night, we're all after the same thing, aren't we? I came onto her. She was into me. INTERCUT WITH: [OBSERVATION ROOM] (Catherine watches the interview from the observation room. Adam turns and looks at the glass.) Adam Novak: (through speaker) I know when a woman is going to give way and believe me, she was there. Det. Vartann: And then what? Adam Novak: (through speaker) I walked her out. (Camera moves to the left and shows us through the glass reflection that Grissom is standing next to Catherine.) Adam Novak: I put my arm around her waist. She moved in. One minute she's got her tongue down my throat. The next, she puts the brakes. She's a bitch and a tease. She told me to get lost ... Catherine: We should ask for his clothes. Black leather jacket, black t-shirt, jeans. Grissom: What else should we ask him, Catherine? Catherine: This is what I was trying to tell you. Grissom: Yeah, but you didn't, so now I'm way behind. Is he telling the truth? Catherine: He's not lying about anything that pertains to me. (Grissom turns and looks at Catherine.) Grissom: He hit you. Catherine: No, it was an accident. But ... by the time it happened, he wasn't who I thought he was, and ... that scared me. (Grissom turns and looks at the interview in the other room.) Det. Vartann: Eyewitness claimed that a man matching your description left the bar with the victim. Drove off in a dark-colored, four-door sedan. What do you drive, Mr. Novak? Adam Novak: Look, I'm innocent, but it's in my best interest to retain counsel. We're done here. (Adam Novak stands up and heads out of the room.) [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - HALLWAY - DAY - CONTINUOUS] (Adam Novak exits the interview room and walks down the hallway. Several beats later, Grissom and Catherine step out of the observation room.) Grissom: You have to recuse yourself from processing evidence. This guy's a lawyer. He could claim prejudicial treatment. Your whole life will become public record. Catherine: I have nothing to be ashamed of. Grissom: We all live in glass houses, Catherine. You gotta be careful where you take your shower. (Grissom walks off screen, leaving Catherine staring after him.) (Brass steps out into the hallway and walks past her.) Brass: Catherine. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - ECKLIE'S OFFICE - DAY] (Catherine meets with Conrad Ecklie.) Conrad Ecklie: Just walk me through your interaction with the suspect. Catherine: I met Adam Novak in a bar called the Highball. Conrad Ecklie: Were you drinking? Catherine: I had one cocktail, on his tab. He walked me out to my car. Things got physical. Conrad Ecklie: Could you define "physical"? Catherine: I believe that I outlined the specifics in my memo. Conrad Ecklie: Catherine, you know what I'm asking, and it's not in the memo. Catherine: I didn't have s*x with him, though he clearly wanted it. Conrad Ecklie: And you didn't? Catherine: I went out after shift to unwind. I even invited Warrick and Nick to come along. They had other plans. Conrad Ecklie: All right. So ... when you put on the brakes, Mr. Novak ... got angry. Catherine: Yeah. I got into my car. He went back inside. (Quick flashback to: [THE HIGHBALL - NIGHT] Adam Novak steps back into the bar. He pauses and looks over at the bar. Camera refocuses on Alice Granger, sitting at the bar.) Alice Granger: Hey, Al, will you do me a favor and call me a cab? Bartender: Sure. (She finishes her drink. When she puts it down on the counter, Adam Novak is standing next to her.) Alice Granger: Thanks. (End of flashback. Resume to present.) Catherine: This is just a theory, but ... she was drunk, probably more compliant than I was. He walked her outside. He waited with her for the taxi, offered her a ride ... (She's interrupted by a knock on the door. Warrick is standing in the hallway.) Warrick: I hate to break up the party. Catherine, you got a 4-19 in Seven Hills. I'll grab the kits and meet you outside. (Warrick leaves. Catherine turns to look at Ecklie.) Catherine: We'll finish this later? Conrad Ecklie: Guess we'll have to. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. SEVEN HILLS -- DAY] (Catherine, Warrick and Det. Sam Vega arrive at the scene. David Phillips is there going over the body.) David Phillips: Look familiar? (Catherine and Warrick kneel down next to the body with a jacket wrapped around her head.) Catherine: Yeah. Like the other night. (Warrick snaps a photo.) Warrick: You got an ID on the vic? Det. Sam Vega: Yeah. Holly Pearson, 31, single. She lived across the street. Car was locked. Keys and purse were accounted for. Found them in the mailbox along with her mail. Warrick: Any indication of sexual assault? David Phillips: Well, her clothes and underwear are undisturbed. Catherine: Can you remove the jacket? David Phillips: Sure. (David removes the jacket and shows the blonde-haired woman and her head wound.) Catherine: Looks like a small-caliber gunshot wound ... like the first victim. David Phillips: Location of the entry wound is different. (David checks for an exit.) David Phillips: Slug's still inside her. (Catherine stands up and turns to Det. Sam Vega to fill him in.) Catherine: Grave is working a case with similarities. That victim left a bar called the Highball shortly before she was killed. I'm wondering if Holly went out last night. Det. Sam Vega: I'm on it. Catherine: Thanks. (Det. Sam Vega leaves. Catherine looks around the area.) Catherine: There's two sets of shoe prints ... with a bit of distance between the strides. Which means they were both running. (Warrick snaps a photo. He looks around and finds something.) Warrick: Got some shell casings. (Warrick marks the area with a small flag as Catherine looks around.) Catherine: Well, there's only one shot fired in Grissom's case. Warrick: It was close contact. He couldn't miss. Catherine: (points) I'm thinking that she was attacked near her house ... and then made a run for it. (Quick flash of: [NIGHT] Holly Pearson runs across the street. Someone chases her. He fires and she falls to the ground.) He walks up to her.) (Cut to: He stands up after wrapping her head with her jacket. The shooter walks away.) (End of flashback. Resume to present.) (Catherine finds something else: A Clark County card key.) Catherine: Got a courthouse keycard. For the parking lot. Warrick: I wonder where Holly Pearson works. Catherine: Adam Novak's a public defender. Let's run his prints against this. Det. Sam Vega: Guys? I found a couple of the victim's coworkers. They said she was at the Highball last night. Got them coming into PD. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT -- DAY] (Catherine and Det. Sam Vega interview two of Holly Pearson's co-workers.) Co-worker 1: Holly was just promoted. Youngest systems analyst at the bank and we were celebrating. Co-worker 2: She wasn't exactly a party animal. We practically forced her to go out. Det. Sam Vega: Any guys come on strong? Co-worker 2: Yeah. We collected numbers all night. Catherine: Anyone write their number on a matchbook? Co-worker 2: I got, uh ... business cards. Catherine: So ... you're having a good time and ... Holly had had enough. Co-worker 1: Yeah. We carpooled, so she took a cab home. (Det. Sam Vega turns and nods at Catherine.) Det. Sam Vega: I'd like to show you some pictures. (He puts the sheet of six photos on the table in front of them.) See if you recognize anyone. (They look at the photos, then point to picture #4 of Adam Novak.) Co-worker 1: He bought us a round. Co-worker 2: He tried to get friendly. Catherine: When Holly left, did you see that man again? Co-worker 2: Actually, no. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI -- FORENSIC AUTOPSY - HALLWAY -- DAY] (The hallway is cluttered with bodies on gurneys. Doc Robbins stands between a couple of the gurneys when Catherine turns the corner.) Catherine: Hell of a backlog, here, doc. Robbins: Yeah. Traffic pile-up on I-15. Catherine: Holly Pearson? Robbins: Mm. (Robbins turns and heads into the autopsy room.) [INT. CSI - FORENSIC AUTOPSY - DAY - CONTINUOUS] (Robbins and Catherine stand around Holly Pearson's body as Robbins reports.) Robbins: C.O.D.'S a one shot to the back of the head. Absence of gun powder and stippling suggests a non-contact wound. I dug this out. (He gives her the bullet. Camera zooms in for a close-up of the bullet.) Catherine: .25 caliber. It's the same as the first victim. (He takes the bullet and puts it aside.) Robbins: You know, I got something you might find interesting. I emptied the stomach and she hadn't eaten for hours. (Robbins leads Catherine over to the scope.) Robbins: A small amount of white zinfandel -- less than a glass, vintage undetermined, and a tiny scrap of meat. Take a look. (SCOPE VIEW: Skin cells.) Robbins: Surface tissue of a human tongue. Those are the taste buds. (Quick flashback to: [NIGHT] The Man tries to kiss Holly Pearson and she bites his tongue.) Catherine: (V.O.) She bit her attacker ... when he tried to kiss her. (End of flashback. Resume to present.) Robbins: This woman did not go gently into that good night. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - LAB] (MONITOR VIEW: Two bullets. The computer beeps and the view changes to the side-by-side markings on the bullets.) Nick: (o.s.) Hey. (Warrick continues to work. Nick walks into the lab.) Nick: Heard you may be looking at a second victim? Warrick: Yeah. Bullets from both homicides are from the same gun. Nick: I just got off the phone with courthouse security. That keycard that you and Catherine found belongs a guy named Adam Novak. (shrugs) Only prints I found on the card were his. Warrick: Well, let's call PD and bring him in. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CATHERINE'S CAR (MOVING) -- NIGHT] (Catherine is driving home. We see her reflection through the rear-view mirror.) (As she nears her home, she sees a car parked on the side of the road.) (She sees Adam Novak standing out front talking her mom and Lindsey. Lindsey waves and they all watch as Catherine parks her car and engages her brakes.) (Alarmed, Catherine takes her seatbelt off and takes out her phone. She dials 9-1-1 and sets it aside on the car seat.) Voice: (from phone) 9-1-1. What is the nature of your -- [EXT. CATHERINE'S RESIDENCE - NIGHT -- CONTINUOUS] (Catherine gets out of the car.) Adam Novak: I see that beauty runs in the family. Lily Flynn: No. (She slams the door and unsnaps her gun. She approaches them.) Catherine: Mom, Lindsey, go inside the house. Lily Flynn: (smiling) Believe it or not, Catherine does know how to say, "Hello, how are you? Would you like a cup of coffee?" (Catherine joins them.) Adam Novak: I was talking to your mother about the case we're working. Catherine: Mom, we're fine. Take Lindsey inside. (Catherine gives her mom a look and shifts her eyes over to Adam Novak. Her mother stops smiling. She grabs Lindsey's hand and heads for the house.) Lily Flynn: Let's go. Lindsey: I don't, I don't want to. Catherine: Lindsey. Lindsey: Are you going to go out again? Catherine: No. I'm coming in. I want to hear about your day. (Lindsey and Catherine's mother head inside the house.) Adam Novak: It was a pleasure meeting you. Catherine: What the hell are you doing here? Adam Novak: I want to know why you're setting me up, manipulating evidence to make me look guilty. All because I came on too strong? Catherine: I want you out of here. Adam Novak: I didn't get my signals crossed. You changed the play, and you're screaming foul. That's some power trip, babe. Who's the guilty one here? Catherine: You want to talk to me, call your lawyer. Set up an appointment down at PD. (Sirens wail in the distance.) Adam Novak: You think I killed her? (Catherine takes a step back, pulls out her gun and holds her other hand in front of him to keep his distance.) Catherine: Back off. Adam Novak: You going to shoot me? Catherine: If you take one more step. (Police sirens wail and lights flash as they approach. Adam Novak turns and sees the cars. He turns back to Catherine.) Adam Novak: You bitch. Catherine: You came to my house. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - OBSERVATION ROOM -- NIGHT] (Catherine watches as Grissom and Det. Vartann question Adam Novak with his lawyer.) Grissom: Mr. Novak, would you stick out your tongue, please? Lawyer: What is this about? Grissom: Well, right now, it's about his tongue. Det. Vartann: And two dead women. We believe the second victim, Holly Pearson, bit her attacker's tongue. [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - OBSERVATION ROOM -- NIGHT] Grissom: Open up, please. (Adam Novak sticks out his tongue for Grissom to look at. Grissom shines his flashlight on it.) (Thinking Grissom's done, Adam turns away. But Grissom stops him.) Grissom: Uh-uh. Once more. (Adam Novak sticks out his tongue and Grissom snaps a photo of the teeth marks on it.) Grissom: Thank you. That's all I need. (Grissom leaves the room.) Det. Vartann: Have a seat. (Adam and his attorney sit down.) Det. Vartann: You comfortable? We're going to be a while. Adam Novak: I know how this looks. Lawyer: Adam, I ... Adam Novak: I advise some of the stupidest guys that come through this room. And it's my job is to keep their mouths shut. And I know what you're thinking - - that I killed Alice Granger. (Quick flashback to: [NIGHT] Adam Novak chases Alice Granger. She trips and falls to her knees. He shoots her in the head.) (End of flashback. Resume to present.) Det. Vartann: You're a mind reader. Adam Novak: I already admitted that I picked her up at a bar the other night. What I didn't mention, and you didn't ask was that I gave her a ride home. (Quick flashback to: [CAR - NIGHT] Adam Novak and Alice Granger are in his car. They lean toward each other ... ) Adam Novak: (V.O.) It got hot and heavy. We both got what we needed. (End of flashback. Resume to present.) Adam Novak: Then she said good night and got out of the car. I drove off. Lawyer: Uh, do you have any evidence at all that refutes my client's account, or suggests otherwise? Det. Vartann: Our evidence pertains to the second victim, killed last night with the same gun, and we believe that a portion of your client's tongue was in her stomach. Adam Novak: I can explain that. Det. Vartann: Oh? Really. Adam Novak: Her taxi never showed up. (Quick flashback to: [EXT. HIGHBALL - NIGHT] Holly Pearson waits outside for her taxi. Adam Novak comes out of the Highball and walks over to her.) Adam Novak: (V.O.) I was drunk. Out of line. Bad couple of days, thanks to you guys. (He and Holly start walking.) Adam Novak: (V.O.) I was looking for a little release and I chose the wrong girl. (He grabs her and starts kissing her. She struggles against him and pushes him away.) (End of flashback. Resume to present.) Det. Vartann: And what happened next? Adam Novak: Her taxi finally showed up. Lawyer: I spoke to both the bartender at the Highball and the cab company, and a cab was ordered and drove the victim home. Det. Vartann: Mr. Novak, have you ever been to Holly Pearson's house? Adam Novak: No. I have no idea where she lived. Det. Vartann: Then how do you explain your courthouse keycard which we found near her body? CSI matched the prints on the card. Only yours. Adam Novak: Every attorney in the Public Defender's office is issued one card. Mine has never left my car. I keep it in the center console. You don't need a warrant. You have my permission to check. It should be there. Det. Vartann: Well, that won't be hard to verify, because your car's already at CSI. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - HALLWAY / GARAGE -- NIGHT] (Catherine walks down the hallway toward the garage. Nick is standing with the car.) Catherine: Nick. Nick: Hey. Catherine: The center console. Was there a parking lot car key inside? Nick: No. Two sticks of gum and a pack of condoms. Why? Catherine: Suspect claims some incriminating evidence found at the second crime scene wasn't his. It looks like he was lying. We got him. Nick: I don't know how you're going to take this, but I think this car was recently broken into. These scratches ... they look fresh. B&E 101. (Nick points to the scratches in the driver's side window.) Catherine: The Slim Jim. (Quick flash of: A Slim Jim is pushed into the car door through the window slot. Camera zooms into the door showing the slim Jim pushing down onto the door lock mechanism.) (End of flash. Resume to present.) Nick: Somebody could've swiped his keycard. Catherine: And then locked the car back up. Novak wouldn't be the wiser until he drove into the courthouse again. Did you find any prints? Nick: Smudges and partials, inside and out. Catherine: (nods) Run 'em. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) - DAWN] [INT. CSI - LAB] (Nick scans the prints into the database and runs the search.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. JUNKYARD - DAY] (Det. Vartann and Catherine question Jeff Simon.) Det. Vartann: Let's run through the night Alice died again. Jeff Simon: We've been through this. I have an alibi. Det. Vartann: Your alibi only proves you lost track of her. You knew where Alice lived. Catherine: Have you been in Adam Novak's car recently? Jeff Simon: No. I don't even know an Adam Novak. Det. Vartann: But you identified his vehicle as the car that Alice left the bar in. Jeff Simon: I didn't know whose car it was. Catherine: Then why did we find your prints in it? Jeff Simon: Maybe somebody's trying to frame me. Catherine: No, but I think that you're familiar with the concept. You were obsessed with Alice, and when you saw Adam having at her, you flipped out. (Quick flashback to: [NIGHT] Jeff Simon sits in his car and watches Adam Novak and Alice Granger kissing.) (End of flashback. Resume to present.) Catherine: I mean, here's a woman that you can't get any traction with, yet she's willing to do a stranger she picked up in a bar. (Quick flashback to: [NIGHT] Alice Granger gets out of the car and giggles. Jeff Simon sits in his car, hands gripping the steering wheel as he watches her.) (He turns his lights on.) (Alice turns around.) (Jeff gets out of the car.) Alice Granger: Jeff? (She sees him and starts running. He runs after her.) [SCENE_BREAK] (Jeff cover's Alice's face with her jacket.) (End of flashback. Resume to present.) Catherine: I mean, lucky for you, the Highball was Adam's second home. (Quick flashback to: [HIGHBALL - PARKING LOT - NIGHT] Jeff Simon breaks into Adam Novak's car and steals Adam's card key.) Catherine: (V.O.) The next night, you came back and saw his car in the parking lot. Creative justice. You could get them both. (Cut to: Adam is hitting on Holly outside the Highball.) Catherine: (V.O.) It was just bad luck that Holly Pearson met Adam that night. (Cut to: Adam follows Holly home.) Catherine: (V.O.) You had no reason to kill her, but you followed her home and worked up the nerve. (Adam turns and sees Holly on the sidewalk looking for her key.) (He gets out of the car. Holly looks up and sees him. She turns and starts running. Jeff takes out the gun and follows her.) [SCENE_BREAK] (Jeff cover's Holly's face with her jacket. He turns and leaves. He takes Adam's card key out of his pocket and drops it on the ground.) (End of flashback. Resume to present.) Catherine: You made one mistake, though. The evidence that you used to frame him brought us back to you (Jeff turns and looks away.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - DNA LAB -- DAY] (Mia is tossing all the kits away. Grissom appears in the doorway.) Grissom: You figured out the source of the contamination? Mia Dickerson: I got a positive result off my negative control. Matched the contamination. Turns out somebody at the manufacturer forgot to put on their mask and then sneezed or coughed on what was supposed to be a sterile product. Grissom: You have to collect everyone's swabs. Mia Dickerson: Kits. Trucks. Vests. Work stations. Grissom: How long till the new shipment gets here? Mia Dickerson: It's on its way. Until then, do it old school. (Grissom turns and leaves.) [INT. CSI - HALLWAY - DAY -- CONTINUOUS] (Grissom writes in a file as he walks down the hallway.) Catherine: Gil. (He looks up; Catherine steps out into the hallway and joins him.) Catherine: I'd ask you out for a drink, but under the circumstances, it's, uh ... (He looks at her, then goes back to his file. He doesn't say anything.) Catherine: Okay, how long is this going to go on? Grissom: I don't know, Catherine. Catherine: Gil, it was an act of omission. Grissom: How many times have we heard a public defender say that? Catherine: I went out after work. Is it a crime to want a little human contact? Grissom: I guess that's why I don't go out. (Grissom walks away.) (Camera holds on Catherine.)

After an exhaustive day, Catherine stops by a bar where she is chatted up by another customer (played by Marg Helgenberger's real-life husband Alan Rosenberg). As she is leaving, he gives her his number on the bar's match box and lashes out when she doesn't want to kiss him. Later on that night, Grissom calls her in for a favor, as he is short on staff. A woman has been murdered and prior to her death, she was seen with the same man who was hitting on Catherine in the same bar. A similar match box with a phone number inside, found on the victim, further points to this man as the main suspect.

fd_The_Office_09x08

fd_The_Office_09x08_0

Oscar: Yesterday, Angela may or may not have figured out that I'm having an affair with her husband. So I just have to wait and see. When she comes in, if she's cold and awkward and cruel to me, then great, it's business as usual. [SCENE_BREAK] Oscar: Good morning. [clears throat] Angela: Oscar... [sighs] can I ask you a question? Oscar: [whispering] Of course, ask me a que-- questions. Angela: Is it cool in here to you? Oscar: [hoarsely] Yes, a little bit. [normal voice] Yes. Angela: I think the thermostat is acting up again. Oscar: It's the stupid thermostat! That thing is a catastrophe. So I'm gonna, um, on your suggestion, get someone to fix it. I'll just go downstairs. Angela: Thank you. Oscar: No, thank you, Angela. [SCENE_BREAK] Oscar: She doesn't know. I shouldn't be surprised. This is a woman who married a man who is obviously a homosexual. Basically, she has her head in the sand. In a way I feel sorry for her. I guess the universe rewards true love. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: Well, well, well, it's finally happened. Pam has ceased caring. Pam: These are my painting clothes.I think I'm gonna do it. I am really gonna start painting the warehouse mural today. [Jim applauds] Meredith: Sure you don't want to put another coat of primer on that Pam?Queen of the primer, that one. Jim: You got this, Beesley. Actually, do you want me to come down and help you get started? Pam: Are you avoiding your phone call? Jim: What? Yeah, right. As if. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: Today I will be asking David Wallace if I can start working part-time, because the sports marketing company that I started really needs me to be there. Pam: Last week Jim wasn't there, and they named the company Athlead. Jim: I could have prevented that. So I have to talk to Wallace. Pam: Tell them your opening line. Jim: [sighs] Hey David, how would you like a guy who's not here as much, gets paid the same amount of salary, and has bigger fish to fry in Philadelphia? Pam: I think it's good. He likes fishing. Jim: This is gonna be awful. [SCENE_BREAK] Pete: One of my jobs is to input customer complaints into the computer. And when they're in, I fill out one of these cards. But the information's already on the computer, so....why am I filling out the card? I asked Andy, and he told me to "chillax," and then went away on a big, long boat ride. So here we are. Don't give me a pointless office chore, because I will build a little paper house. Fight the power. [SCENE_BREAK] Angela: Meet me in the old place, five minutes. I need you. [SCENE_BREAK] Angela: [upon seeing Dwight naked] Ugh! Dwight: Come on in, the water's fine. Angela: Dwight, it's not that kind of meeting. Put your clothes back on. Dwight: I know. That's not why I'm naked. I always work out without my clothes. [does jumping jacks] Angela: Just put them on! Put on your clothes. I need your help. I need someone who can operate outside of the law. Ugh. Dwight: Oh, I'm sorry, your vigilante privileges ended when you broke up with me. If I'm not in your panties, I don't go vigilantes. Why don't you ask your husband? Angela: My marriage is in danger. I don't know who I can trust. I need someone to be there for me. Dwight: [sighs] All right, what are we talking? Surveillance, wire-tapping? Angela: Something like that. Dwight: Yeah, the less I know, the better. I know just the guy. He was a volunteer sheriff too. Kicked off the force. Angela: Can you arrange a meeting? Dwight: I can try. I'm gonna use SMS text. Angela: Okay. Dwight: Text went through. Angela: Okay. Dwight: All we can do is sit and wait. Angela: Okay. Dwight: [phone vibrates] Oh, look at that. Yeah, he's free anytime. Not a problem. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: I mean, I can handle any client issues from Philly. David: [on phone] Yeah, but I really need someone in the office. If there's a crisis -- the more I think about it -- Jim: Oh, you mean handle it in person. Oh, well, Phyllis and Stanley have agree to cover for me while I'm gone. David: They did? Jim: Yep. David: Oh, okay. Well, that is different. In that case, yes-- Maybe this can work. Jim: Oh, great. [SCENE_BREAK] Stanley: Why should we help you? Jim: Because we're friends. Stanley: When is my birthday? Jim: Unfair. When's my birthday? Stanley: I don't know, because we're not friends. Jim: How about this-- You let me take you to lunch, and I make my case? Stanley: Now we're talkin'. Jim: All right. Phyllis: Yeah. [SCENE_BREAK] Kevin: Make it go taller. Pete: That's the idea. Kevin: No, not taller this way, taller this way. [gesturing with hands] Pete: Well, I've gotta build a wider base first before I can go higher. Kevin: You're not getting this, Peter. Make it go wider... up! Pete: Will do. Darryl: [entering] What are y'all doing? Kevin: Me and Pete are building a tower. Darryl: Cool. It should be taller though, right? Kevin: Obviously. He's a sweet kid, Darryl. But he's not the sharpest guy in the drawer. Pete: Kevin, I can hear you. Kevin: Huh? [SCENE_BREAK] Angela: Ow! Dwight! Ow! Dwight: Get in the van. Angela: God! Trevor: Is it safe to talk? Dwight: Well, this documentary crew has been following our every move for the past nine years, but I don't see them so I think we're good. Angela: So what are your credentials? Trevor: I started following people around to get exercise. Turns out, I'm damn good at it. Angela: Do you have a gun? Dwight: [snickers] Does he own a gun? Show her. Trevor: You tell me. Angela: What is this? Trevor: It's the receipt for my gun. Angela: You don't carry it with you? Trevor: Read the receipt. That's a $300 gun. Someone could steal it. Dwight: Do you have any idea how many guns Trevor's had stolen from him? Trevor: Now I keep it in a safe. Dwight: Mm-hmm. Good safe? Trevor: Oh, you tell me. [shows Dwight receipt] Dwight: Wow! [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: [studying mural wall] I guess if I make a mistake, I can just paint over it with a shrub or something. It's just, I think less of paintings with a lot of shrubs. So, I'm gonna limit myself to one shrub. Hide: You paint wall now? Pam: Yeah. Painting now. I just want to make sure that... Hide: You paint now. Pam: It's probably gonna be a few minutes. So you can just go back to doing whatever you were doing. Hide: I wait. [SCENE_BREAK] Meredith: Sweet. Erin: Yay! Darryl: That's what I'm talkin' about. Pete: This next card comes to us thanks to Meredith Palmer, who called Eastern Pennsylvania Seminary a, quote 'sausage factory.' Meredith: Oh OOOH! Everyone: [approving cheers] Meredith: Boom! Darryl: Bang. Kevin: Yep, yep, yep. Pete: All right. Up next we got a whole lotta Creed. Creed: Let's find out what I did. Pete: All right. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: You get half now and half upon completion of said job. Trevor: And that's all off the books? Angela: Obviously. Trevor: Nice. No taxes. Angela: Okay, so everything you need to know about the target is in here. Trevor: So what's the job? Angela: Murder. Trevor: Okay, that's the big one. That's the big "M." [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: You can't have someone murdered. Angela: What if they deserved it? Dwight: What did they do to you, Angela? Angela: They're sleeping with my husband. Dwight: Oh, Monkey. Oh, I feel for you. Trevor: This seems a little crazy. Dwight: Yes. Crazy. Thank you. Trevor: But I think I'm up for it. Dwight: No! No! Angela: Thank you. Dwight: Absolutely not. There are a lot of different ways to get revenge. I've had great success by defecating in a paper bag, put it on the porch-- Trevor: That's very effective. I've been on the receiving end of that quite a few times. It's devastating. Angela: No, no, no. It has to be physical. I want this person to suffer. Trevor: What about a knee-capping? Dwight: No! You're not helping, Trevor! Angela: Yes, a knee-capping could work. Dwight: No. Angela! What are you saying? Angela: You said you would be there for me. Dwight: I'm trying, but what you're asking is-- Angela: It's the only thing that will make this right. Dwight: Okay. But it's cruel, because a woman with damaged knees can't scrub worth a damn. Trevor: All right, then it's settled. One knee-capping. Now, the hit goes down at 4:00. Keep in mind, once I leave, there's no turning back. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: You know, truth be told, I think all you'll really be doing is accepting calls from my clients while I'm gone. Stanley: We've got all afternoon to talk about that. Waiter: Morning, folks. Stanley: I'll have the surf and turf with a side order of lobster. Waiter: Actually, the surf and turf does come with lob-- Stanley: Not enough lobster. Side order. Phyllis: How much wine do you have? [SCENE_BREAK] Oscar: I brought you a cookie. Angela: Oh, thanks, Oscar. You're such an angel. [SCENE_BREAK] Oscar: [talking into phone] I just gave her a cookie, and she called me an angel, so... yeah, we're good. Yeah. [exhales] We dodged a bullet, yes. Okay. Yeah. Yeah, yeah-- Well, I gotta go now, but-- Okay, bye. Bye. [SCENE_BREAK] Pete: There we go. Everyone: [cheers and applause] Pete: Nicely done. Very nicely done. All right, this next one goes to Darryl for pocket dialing a customer while having s*x. Nellie: Oooohh... you salty dog. Darryl: Well, yeah, what can I say, a player's gotta play. Pete: There you go. [SCENE_BREAK] Darryl: Actually, that was the sound of me eating spaghetti. But I'm gonna let them think the other thing. [SCENE_BREAK] Kevin: Okay, I got this one. Nellie: Oh, be careful! Be careful! Be careful Kevin: No, I got it. Easy does it, everyone. Nobody even take a breath. Everyone: [shouting as tower collapses] Oh no! Kevin! Nellie: What did I just say? What did I just say? Pete: Hey, hey, hey, it's just a mistake. Just a mistake. That's what this tower's all about -- mistakes. Okay, if you're afraid of screwing up, the tower's not for you. Show of hands --- who here has never had a complaint? That's right. Nobody. See that? Nobody. Okay? Let's get back to work, huh? Come on, you in? Kevin: Yeah. Pete: There we go. All right, let's do it. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: You know, at the end of the day, it's really only two days. I mean, I'll be back in the office. If you need me for an emergency, call me. I'll be there... Phyllis: You know what? I don't know where the years went. 'Cause sometimes when I look at my hands, I don't even recognize them. Jim: Tell me about it. Phyllis: Whose hands are these? [holding out her hands to Jim] Theyre not my hands. I don't know. Jim: All right. You know what? Maybe we'll just... We'll go slow. Phyllis: No. Jim... [wine bottle clangs on plate] [SCENE_BREAK] Pete: All right. Check it out. Everyone: [cheers and applause] Pete: Like a Phoenix from the ashes. Ksshhhh! Kevin: Nice. Pretty soon, we're gonna be at the ceiling. Erin: Whoo! Pete: Can you hand me a card? Erin: Um,. it's empty. Pete: What? Nellie: Oh, come on. We could use a blank card. Everyone: No!! Meredith: That's cheating. Pam: I could get us a complaint. Meredith: You? Little Miss Priss? You wouldn't fart on a butterfly. Pam: No, I wouldn't. I can't even relate to that impulse. But I bet I could get us a customer complaint. I'd like to try. Nellie: Hmm. Yeah. All right! Yea, go, Pam! Pam... Everyone: [chanting] "Pam!" [SCENE_BREAK] Angela: What? Why did you call me out here? Dwight: The target-- it's Oscar, isn't it? He and the senator are gaying each other. Angela: I don't know what you're talking about. Dwight: Your nostrils tell a different story. They flare like that every time you're engaging in deception. Hello again, naughty nostrils. Angela: Fine! It's Oscar. So what? Dwight: Well I could understand you wanting to get a stranger's knees whacked. But a co-worker-- Dare I say, a friend? Angela: Exactly, a friend. Someone who sits next to you year after year, making chitchat and smiling, and all the while running behind your back and defiling your marriage and seducing your husband. Dwight: I can't even imagine how painful this must be for you. But the first ones to break your marriage vows were you and me. Angela: Well, you might be right. But it's too late now. Dwight: What do you mean? Angela: He's here. Dwight: No! No, no! [groans] [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: Oscar? Oscar. Oscar, good. Hey come with me. Oscar: What? Dwight: Come -- come with me. Oscar: What are you doing? Dwight: There are a bunch of construction workers in the warehouse without their trousers, drinking diet sodas. You have got to see this. They're extraordinary. Meredith: Yahtzee. Trevor: Sandwich delivery for Mr. Oscar Martinez. Kevin: I am Oscar Martinez. Angela: No, not him, not him. Outside. Outside. Kevin: Wha-- wh-- Angela: You know, there's doughnuts in the break room. Kevin: Nice! Yeah. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: Listen, I was really wondering if maybe we could lock this down before lunch is over. Stanley: Don't be pushy Jim. It's tacky. Jim: All right. Phyllis! Phyllis, that's-- that's decorative. Phyllis: No, there's wine in here. Jim: Still decorative. Stanley: Is it white wine? Jim: No. Phyllis: [to customer] Can you help me? Jim: Don't-- don't-- don't pole people with knives. Phyllis: [groaning while trying to open giant wine bottle] ha ha! Jim: Phyllis! Wow. Stanley: Ooh, bring it over. Phyllis: Got it. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: There's no time to explain. [descending stairs] Okay, actually, there is time to explain. When Angela found out that you seduced her husband, we hired a guy to break your knee caps. Oscar: Oh, my God! What is wrong wiht you? Dwight: What is wrong with you? There are a million gorgeous guys in the Scranton Wilkes-Barre area, and you choose the man who's the father of her child? Oscar: I don't know what you're talking about. Dwight: Oh, don't lie. I'm trying to save those precious knees you're always bragging about. Now, let's get out of here. He could be right behind us. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: Aah! Actually, he's right in front of us. Trevor: Let's get it on. I'm gonna do this. I might-- I might puke, but I'm gonna do this. Dwight: No, Trevor, I am not gonna let you. He's a Dunder-Mifflin man. He's my tribe. Trevor: I'm sorry, Dwight, but for once in my stupid, stupid life, I'm gonna follow through on something, all right? I have masculinity issues-- Stop! No! Oscar: I got it. Dwight: Disarm! Trevor: You don't-- [all three grunting] Dwight: Don't move. And disarm now! [Oscar gets weapon away from others] Trevor: Okay, okay, okay, okay. Dwight: No! No, Oscar. He's a friend. He's a friend. [SCENE_BREAK] Erin: Okay, the client is Heymont Brake and Tire. They're family-owned, but don't let that take away from your edge! Nellie: Come on, Pam, I know you can fail. I see failure in you. Creed: Remember, you're a scumbag, so you think scummy thoughts. Like this. Pam: [into phone] Hello, this is Pam Halpert. I'm calling from Dunder-Mifflin. Yes, your paper provider. And I just called to say... your mama is so fat, when she wears red, people yell, "Hey, kool-aid." Yeah, your mama's fat. This is Pam Halpert. Pete: Did she buy it? Pam: Basically I couldn't tell, but I think... Nellie: Were they angry? Pam: I-- I thought they were confused at least... Nellie: Okay. [phone rings] Erin: Dunder Mifflin. This is Erin. Yes, you can. Okay. I will make sure that goes on file. [hangs up] Ladies and gentlemen, we just lost a client! Everyone: [cheering] Kevin: Nice. Nice. Creed: You did good. You did good. Pete: See ya later, Heymont. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: No. Trevor: If you chase me, I will run so fast. If you catch me I will bite so hard. Got it? Good-bye, my friend. Oscar: What the hell, Dwight? Dwight: See ya later, Trevor. Oscar: you are incorrigible! Dwight: I just saved your life. You're welcome! Oscar: You hired someone to hit me with a pipe! Angela: You deserved every bit of it! You made my husband gay. Oscar: What-- what I did was wrong, and I have to live with that every day. But your husband is... gay. He was gay when you married him! Angela: No. No. Oscar: Angela, until you face that, you're gonna be confused and angry for all the wrong reasons. But if you want to blame me for the whole thing, go ahead -- I won't stop you. Hit me. you have my blessing. Hit me. Angela: Well are you gonna let go of it? Because part of the blame is definitely on you. Oscar: Angela, it's a lead freaking pipe. Angela: God! [kicks Oscar] Oscar: Aah! Angela: You were supposed to be my friend. Oscar: I'm so sorry. Angela-- Dwight: Oscar. [SCENE_BREAK] Pete: Our crowning complaint card comes to us thanks to Pamela Halpert... Everyone: [cheers and applause] Pete: For insulting a client's recently deceased mother. Nellie: Yes! Pam: I did not know that. Pete: Well, a woman who struggled with obesity all her life. Pam: I'm so sorry. Meredith: Wow. Pete: yeah. That's-- that is terrible. Everyone: [cheers and applause as Pete puts last card on tower] Kevin: You did it. Erin: Yeah! [SCENE_BREAK] Angela: I feel so stupid. I sit next to him every day. Dwight: You're not stupid. Jazz is stupid. Angela: [crying] Jazz is stupid! I mean, just play the right notes! Dwight: I know. You're gonna be okay, Monkey. Angela: I don't like your friend Trevor. Dwight: I don't like him either. And yet I really like him. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: Well, we're here. Perfect. [covers sleeping Phyllis with his jacket] Phyllis: We're gonna cover for you, ya know. Stanley: [chuckles] Jim: Phyllis, what was that?Phyllis are you dreaming, or-- Stanley: [laughing] I did enjoy grinding your beans, son. Phyllis: [laughing] Yeah, we really did peel your grapes. Jim: This is hilarious, but we're gonna stop with all-- Stanley: Shuckin' your peas. Jim: Shuckin' the peas. You should go back to the first part, though. You are gonna cover for me? Stanley: Yeah. Phyllis: Of course we are, Jimmy. We love you guys. Jim: Oh, my God, thank you. [hugging both] Thank you. [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: If you're an artist, you have to be okay with the idea that you can't please everybody all the time. Hide: You paint very bad-- Pam: Shut up, Hide! I mean, do you think Kevin cares what people think about him-- or Creed or Meredith? Oh my gosh, these are my role models now. You know what? I'm okay with that. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: Where does gayness come from? And how is it transmitted? Toby: That is-- that is a loaded question. Angela: My pastor said it can come from breast feeding. Toby: He said that? Angela: Well, he didn't fight me hard on it. Toby: I-- I don't know if there's truth to-- to, uh, to that. Angela: What is it called when two men intertwine their penises like the snakes on the medic-alert bracelet? Toby: Oh... uh... Angela: Is it called red-vining? Dwight: Is it called red-vining? Toby: I don't... Dwight: We heard it was called red-vining. Angela: People red vine. Dwight: Where are gay mens' vaginas? Toby: They don't have vaginas. Dwight: What? Toby: No. They're just regular men. Dwight: When two gay men have s*x, how do they know whose pen1s will open up to accept the other person's pen1s? Toby: Uh... wow....

Angela goes to Dwight for help when she learns that her husband is having an affair with Oscar. Stanley Hudson ( Leslie David Baker ) and Phyllis Vance ( Phyllis Smith ) take advantage of Jim when he needs a favor, and Pete distracts Pam as she begins painting her mural.

fd_Frasier_06x07

fd_Frasier_06x07_0

Act One. Scene One - Frasier's BMW Frasier and Martin are driving around Seattle. They are heading towards the Montana to pick Niles up for a night out. Martin: You know where we should go tonight? Frannie's Fish & Chips! Frasier: Dad, we're taking Niles out to boost his spirits, not his cholesterol! Martin: Oh please, that French food that you guys eat is full of butter and cheese. Frasier: Yes, but at least it's not made by a woman working a deep fryer in a batter-dipped brassiere. They stop at a light. A red hatchback pulls up alongside them. Niles is the driver. Martin notices him. Martin: Hey, isn't that Niles? Frasier: Where? Martin: Driving that old hatchback. Frasier: Nah, Niles would never be seen in anything called a hatchback. But it does look a lot like him. Frasier honks his horn. Niles looks, sees them - and drives off at full speed. Frasier: Oh my God, he's running away! Martin: Well, catch him, Mr. 12-cylinder German engineering! Frasier and Martin chase Niles across Seattle. On his car phone, Frasier dials in Niles's cell phone number. Ahead of them, Niles answers: Niles: Hello? Frasier: Niles, what the hell are you doing? Niles: Well, I'm just pulling into my parking garage. You on your way? Behind him, Frasier and Martin gape at each other. Frasier: What are you talking about?! You're driving up 2nd Avenue! Martin: You're in that little red thing. Niles: No I'm not, you must be mistaking me for someone else. See you when you get here. [hangs up] Frasier and Martin cannot believe his lies. Martin: He's getting away. He just took a right at the corner. Frasier takes a right and rings Niles again. Niles: Hello? Frasier: Niles! What are you running away from us for? I can see that it's you! Niles: No, you're mistaking me for someone else. Frasier honks his horn which sounds back through the mobile. Frasier: That is ridiculous, I can hear my own horn through the phone! Niles: Frasier, I may lose the connection, I'm just stepping onto my elevator. I'll see you when you- [hangs up] Martin: What's the matter with him? Frasier: Maris repossessed his car, that must have been all he can afford. He's just ashamed to admit it. [dials Niles again] Niles: Hello? Frasier: Niles, do not hang up on me! We know what's going on! We're right behind you. Niles: Alright, I was afraid this would happen - I was petrified someone I knew would see me driving this humiliating car! It looks like some buggy derailed from a carnival ride, except this has no safety features. Frasier: Oh Niles, you're worrying over nothing. What kind of person judges you by the sort of car you drive? Niles: Mitsy Gill. Frasier: Oh yes, she might, she drives a Bentley. Niles: She's parking on the corner - she'll see me! Niles brakes to a sudden stop, and his head goes under the dashboard in a motion that is half jerk, half duck. Behind him, Frasier also must brake suddenly to stop a crash, jerking himself and Martin in their seats. Martin: Is everyone alright? Niles: [still on the mobile, from under the dashboard] Dad, come quickly, I need your help. Martin: [alarmed] Oh my God! What is it? Niles: I need you to get up here and pretend this is your car. Martin gives a look of disgust at Frasier. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene Two - The Montana The gang arrive in Niles's apartment. Niles rubs his shoulder as he sits down. Niles: Oh, my shoulder is killing me! Frasier: Oh Niles, did you bang into the steering wheel? Niles: No, I've been parallel parking all week without power steering. Martin: Let me get you some aspirin. Niles: Oh, thank you, Dad. Er, check upstairs in the bathroom of the study. Pardon the disarray, Frasier, I've had to cut the cleaning lady down to two times a week. Martin: [sarcastic] Yeah, looks like a bomb went off. Martin leaves the practically perfect room by the stairs. Frasier: I gather your financial situation's gotten a bit shaky. Niles: Oh yes, every since I rejected Maris's attempts to woo me back, she's been quite vindictive! She's frozen all the accounts! Sherry? [pours two glasses of sherry] Frasier: Thank you. Niles: My salary isn't even covering my legal bills. Frasier: Well, what do you lawyers tell you? Niles: Well, mostly that my salary isn't even covering my legal bills! Frasier: You know, if this siege is going to continue you might have to tighten your belt a bit. Perhaps we should make up a list of your expenses. [takes some paper and a pen from the box] Niles: Alright. [notices pen] But not with that pen. That once belonged to Noel Coward. I just purchased it. Frasier: Well, it is stunning, Niles, but you know if you're going to be economizing perhaps you'll have to forego the decorative antique pens. Niles: Could we at least review my list before making any drastic decisions?! Frasier: Very well. Niles: [writes down notes] That's my rent... that's insurance... Frasier: You pay that much in rent? Niles: Well, that includes the building newsletter. Frasier: Well, it's outrageous! Martin comes through on the intercom. Martin: Niles, are you there? Niles: [into intercom] Yes, Dad. [to Frasier] You can't blame me for the housing market - this is a simple apartment! Martin: I'm in some room with a lot of books but it doesn't have a bathroom! Niles: Oh, that's the library, not the study - go down the hall, make a left. Frasier: Well, this simple apartment of yours is going to bankrupt you! You must admit it's a bit large for one person. Niles: Oh, don't forget I have a pet. Frasier: Are you saying that your BIRD requires both a study and a library? Niles: All right, I will return the Noel Coward pen, but this is my home. This is a basic necessity. Martin: [on intercome] OK, I've found the aspirin but I'm lost again. I'm in a blue room with big rolls of paper. Niles: That's the gift wrapping room. Look for the stairs. Martin: The only stairs I can find go up! Frasier: You have a THIRD floor? Niles: It's practically a crawl space. [into intercom] Go out the door to the left. Niles and Frasier stand in silence, pensive. Niles: Don't look at me like that! I have to have a roof over my head! Frasier: Niles, you have three roofs over your head! For God's sake, you have to come to your senses. Look at the numbers, they don't lie! I'm afraid you don't have any choice. Martin comes out onto the balcony over the main room. He shouts over to Niles. Martin: Alright, now I'm stuck. How do I get down, there's a bookcase blocking my way. Niles: Well, the bookcase is a secret door, Dad. Martin: How do I open it? Niles: Just poke "Mrs. Dalloway" on the bottom. Martin: What? Niles: The yellow book on the lower shelf. Martin: Oh, right! [exits] Niles: Frasier, every since I was a little boy I have walked by this building and wondered what sort of people could live in such a magnificent place. Frasier: I know, Niles. Niles: Getting in here after Maris dumped me proved that I was not a complete failure. Frasier: I understand that. Niles: And I have no choice, do I? Frasier: I'm sorry. You know Niles, perhaps you should move before you're obligated for another month's rent here. You can stay at my place until you find something. Niles: Thank you. Martin: [enters with aspirin] Here you go, you can get your own glass of water. Niles: This aspirin's expired. Martin: Well, it wasn't when I found it. He sinks into an armchair, exhausted. [SCENE_BREAK] NUCLEAR FAMILY Scene Three - Apartment Later, Niles has moved into Frasier's apartment. Niles and Daphne are working along side each other in the kitchen. Daphne: Oh Dr. Crane, I'll clean up. Niles: Oh, not necessary. Daphne: You've been cooking dinner every night, [laughs] I hardly feel like it's my kitchen anymore. Niles: Of course it's your kitchen... [Daphne puts something in the fridge] No, that doesn't go there! I know it's probably a bit presumptuous of me to rearrange your kitchen for you but I promise you, you'll find it a lot more... Niles trails off as he watches Daphne bend over to reach for something on the bottom shelf. Niles: User-friendly... Daphne: [straightens up] Where's my jar of Bovril? Niles: [snapping back] No, I wasn't! [realizing] Oh, the meat paste! Well, I threw it out, it smelled rancid. Daphne: Well, that's how it's supposed to smell - it's English! Meanwhile, Frasier and Martin are reading in the main room. Frasier opens conversation. Frasier: Well, I'm off to bed! [Martin doesn't reply] Roz and I have a very important breakfast meeting with an important employer tomorrow. I can't burn the midnight oil like you, Dad. [Martin doesn't reply] Dad! Martin had fallen asleep whilst reading, he wakes up not knowing what's going on. Martin: What? Oh all right, I'll get a coaster! Frasier: Dad, what is it with you? You could barely stay awake during dinner! Martin: [rubs his eyes] Oh, you'd feel the same way if you shared a room with Niles. All night long, up and down, shifting and tucking. Frasier: Well, if it's really annoying you that much, I'll just move his cot into my room. Martin: Oh! Frasier: At least one member of this family can show some compassion. Martin: Well, good luck! Last night I got up and went to the bathroom - when I came back he'd made my bed! End of Act One. (Time: 7:15) Act Two. Scene Four In Frasier's bedroom, Frasier is in bed listening to Niles in the en suite bathroom. Niles is gargling and spitting. Frasier: Will you be much longer? Niles: Almost done. Frasier: I only ask because Roz and I have this very important job interview tomorrow, I'd like to be well rested. You've been in there for twenty minutes! Niles: No I haven't. [a bell is heard] Now I have! You should try this marvelous new facial feel, it's like getting ten years back! Frasier: What about the last half hour? Niles: It's going to be so much fun bunking together like when we were kids. Niles emerges from the bathroom looking strangely applicated. Frasier: Oh yes, it's all coming back to me now. Niles: I just want to tell you again how much I appreciate your taking me in like this. Not every brother in your position would be so generous. [gets into his only little bed] Frasier: Think nothing of it Niles, it's no trouble at all. [There is rest until Niles decides to switch on some air refiners. He has around half a dozen which make an awful noise. Frasier turns the lights out. However, Niles isn't comfy until he's closed the window from the rain noise - Frasier remarks "I'm amazed you can hear it over in Mission Control!" Niles goes back to bed and puts on a strange radio. It begins playing rain falling - similar to what he just the shut the window for.] Frasier: Niles, what are you talking about? That's just more rain noise! Niles: No, it's much more than rain. This is all the sounds of the Brazilian rain forest. Does it bother you? Frasier: No. Go to bed. They all are at rest when suddenly a bird shrieks loudly on the hi-fi. Frasier: Oh, for God's sake! Niles: Alright, alright, I'll switch over to babbling brook. Switches to the sound of running water. Niles: If you're feeling tense about that interview I can show you one of my breathing exercises. Frasier: No, no! Just some sleep will do. They both go to sleep but Niles begins doing his breathing exercises which wake Frasier. He pushes his arms out as he breathes out and vice versa. He does this twice. On the third time he just breathes in. Frasier waits and after a while he breathes out. Frasier: Oh, for God's sake, Niles! He puts the lights on. However the lights along with Niles's "equipment" fuse the circuits - now it is pitch black. Frasier: What the hell happened? Niles: Isn't it obvious? You blew a fuse. Frasier: You haven't seen anything yet! In the dark there is the sound of a pillow hitting something. Niles: Ow! [SCENE_BREAK] THE LATE SHOW Scene Five - Caf Nervosa The following morning, Roz is waiting with the employer, Mr. Draper, by herself. Frasier is obviously late. Roz: Listen, I know he's on his way, he must have got the address wrong. I knew I should have picked a place he's been to before. She says, sitting in Caf Nervosa. Draper: I'm sorry, I'm afraid I have to... Roz: Oh, please don't leave. Let me just try his cell phone. Draper: Very well. [hands Roz his phone] Roz: [into phone] Hello Frasier, it's Roz. You sound terrible, where are you? The emergency room?! Oh my God! His appendices burst! No, no, don't apologize. It's not your fault. We'll just reschedule it... At this point Frasier bursts into the room whilst Roz is still on the phone with "him." Frasier: I'm so sorry I'm late! Draper: [to Roz] My phone please! [she hands it to him] Frasier: Mr. Draper, you're not leaving, are you? Draper: I have another meeting and I don't like to keep people waiting! [leaves] Roz: [to Frasier] I'm going to kill you! Frasier: Roz, please, I'm so sorry. Roz: Where the hell have you been? Frasier: Blame Niles, he kept me up so late last night I slept right through my alarm. Roz: What's he still doing there, hasn't he found a place yet?! Frasier: No, no, he's sublet his apartment at the Montana. He has to find something furnished. There just aren't many out there. Still, he's looking every day! Roz: Not yesterday. Frasier: What do you mean? Roz: I saw him outside the cinema waiting in line for "Lawrence Of Arabia." Frasier: Well, that's impossible, he told me he had appointments all day! Roz: Frasier, I know Niles when I see him. How people go to the movies with their own seat cushion? Frasier: You mean he hasn't even been looking?! Roz: I don't know, ask him yourself. She points him out at the bar before leaving. Frasier: Niles. Niles: Frasier. Frasier: Off for another day apartment hunting? Niles: Yes. I hope I see as many as I saw yesterday, covered the whole waterfront. Frasier: Well, then you must have seen the one on Crawford and Pike? Niles: Yes, I think so. Frasier: White with blue trim? Right next to the market, couple of flags upfront. Niles: Yes! It looks nice from the outside but it's completely unsuitable for living in. Frasier: Oh yes, I imagine so, seeing as it's a [angry] Chevron station! You saw nothing! Nothing yesterday, probably nothing in the last two weeks. You've been going to the movies. Niles: That is an outrageous lie! Frasier: Roz saw you and your seat cushion. I was feeling sorry for you while you were lying to me the whole time. Niles: I'm sorry, after the first day I just couldn't look anymore. I'll never find anything tolerable in my price range. It's barely tolerable having a price range. [checks for nose bleed] Frasier: All right Niles, well today I'm going with you. It may be the only way you'll find a place. Niles: Oh, you make it sound as if I plan to stay with you forever! Frasier: Well, I did notice you put a bottle of '93 Pechie Beron on the grocery list last night. Niles: So? Frasier: That wine's not even drinkable for two years! [SCENE_BREAK] Scene Six - The Shangri-La Later, Niles and Frasier are touring a rather run-down block of apartments - the Shangri-La. They are in the corridor outside a room. The manager, Frank, is showing them around. Frank: An' we got a rec room too! And did you see the hot tub? Niles: If you referring to that six-man petri dish, yes. I think we're about finished here! Frasier: Niles, we can't leave without seeing the apartment. Frank was kind enough to put on pants to bring us up here. Frank: [opens door] Welcome to the "Shangri-La!" Niles and Frasier look in with faces of horror. What they are looking at would barely pass as a motel room in a fishing village. Frasier: [obviously put on] Oh Niles, it's... magnificent! [SCENE_BREAK] Scene Seven A few moments have passed, and Frank is showing Niles around his new "apartment." Frank: I think you'll see why the Shangri-La is so popular with bachelors like yourself. Niles: I'd assume it was that charming "NO CREDIT NO PROBLEM" banner out front. Frank: Here's your kitchen. [part of living room] All modern. Looks like the previous tenant left a four-slot toaster behind. Frasier: Isn't that something, Niles? You can make yourself a club sandwich and still have a slice left over for guests! Niles: Oh well, I think I've got the lay of the land. Frasier: Wait, we haven't seen the bedroom yet. Frank: Oh, right this way! Frank unlocks a door and pulls it down. The bed folds down into the living room. The bed has sheets but is tatty. Frank: Looks like he left the sheets behind too. Frasier: Well, how's that for convenience? No dust bunnies under that bed, no sir-ee! That is a vacuumer's dream, that is. Well, let's have a look at this closet space, shall we? Frasier opens the closet door to find "not Niles" clothing. Frank: Oh sorry, I thought Gary's sister was supposed to pick this stuff up. Well, help yourself. Niles: This Gary certainly seems to have left in a hurry. Did he leave no forwarding address? Frank: [uncomfortable] Uh, he left a note, but... nooo. No address! Well, take your time. He leaves Niles and Frasier to look around. Niles: NOW can we go? Frasier: No, Niles, not before we have a look at this... [opens cupboard to a fold-down ironing board] this very charming little ironing board here. Niles: You're sure that's not the guest room? Frasier: Niles, listen, I know this isn't what you had in mind but we have scoured the city, I'm afraid this is the only thing we're gonna find. Niles: Well, I want to keep looking, there's no rush. Frasier: Well, actually... Niles: What? Frasier: Niles... Niles: Oh! You want me to move out. I've overstayed my welcome, I see. Frasier: No, it's time to understand that your circumstances have changed. You are going to have to adapt. Niles: I don't want to adapt. I want to go home! Frasier: Niles... you are home! Niles takes that in. Niles: Well... where are my manners? Can I get you some toast? [SCENE_BREAK] Scene Eight - Apartment Later, Frasier is doing some wine tasting. He has a blindfold on and takes a drink before spitting it out. Then he takes his blindfold off and takes a cover off of the wine to reveal what it is. He makes a yes to the correct answer as Daphne enters from the hallway with her purse. Daphne: Well, I'm off. Oh, your brother called - he said he won't be joining you for your wine club tonight. Frasier: Really? That's a first. Daphne: You know, it's funny how much Eddie misses that bird of Dr. Crane's. This morning a pigeon landed on the terrace, Eddie jumped up excited, ran over and started barking at it! Frasier: Oh, yes he does that all the time. Daphne: No, no, this was a different sort of bark, like: [excited] "You're not my bird! Don't fly over here and get my hopes up like that! You're not my bird!" It was silly and sad at the same time, you know? Frasier: [deadpan] Firsthand. Niles say why he cancelled at all? Daphne: No. Frasier: You know, I just hope he's not depressed. I keep picturing him sitting in that dreadful apartment all alone. I guess I should have let him stay here a little longer until he found something nicer. Daphne: Oh, I'm sure as soon as he's got his books on the shelf and his opera playing he'll be fine. You have nothing to feel guilty about. Martin: [entering] Oh Fras, your antiques scout brought over that Noel Coward pen you bought. [Frasier buries his head] Daphne: [to Frasier] Noel Coward pen? Like the one your brother's got? Frasier: Oh, it is his! He returned it and I pounced on it! Daphne: [to Martin] Dr. Crane's feeling bad about moving his brother out. Martin: Oh come on, Fras. He's a big boy, you just gave him the push he needed. Frasier: Well, he did need a push. Daphne: Besides, I'm sure the place you've found him isn't as bad as all that. Frasier: You're right, Daphne, it isn't all that bad. Yeah, once he's decorated it, it'll be much nicer. You're right, you're right. I'm being much too hard on myself. I'm sure he'll be perfectly happy in the Shangri-La. Martin: You got him in the Shangri-La? That's where Duke stayed during his divorce. Oh, let me tell ya', that's my kinda place. [exits] Frasier: What have I done?! Scene Nine - The Shangri-La That evening, a doorbell sounds in Niles's new apartment. Niles emerges from a room dressed in an Hawaiian shirt, but still wearing his gold watch. He answers the door - it's Frasier and Martin. Frasier: Hey, Niles! Niles: [cheerful surprise] Dad! Frasier! Did you not get my message about the wine club? Martin: Yeah, but we thought it'd be just fun to have a nice dinner. Niles: Actually, I'm just on my way out. Frasier: Where to? Bali H'ai? Niles: No, they're having a ping pong tournament in the rumpus room and my neighbor, Jimbo, has invited me to be his partner, so let me just go and tell him I'll be a couple of minutes late. If you're thirsty they sent up some wine coolers in my welcome basket. [exits] Martin: And you were worried. He's making friends, taking part in activities... Frasier: Dad, he's obviously covering! That shirt alone is a shriek for help! Martin: Is it so hard for you to believe that he can actually be happy? Frasier: In this place? Yes! Niles: [enters] Oh, you should stay, the guys in D building are bringing over a six-foot sub and they've rigged the pinball machine so it's free play all night. [makes a strange dance] Frasier: Niles, you know I'm finding it a bit difficult to accept this newfound enthusiasm of yours. Niles: Well, weren't you the one who told me that I should adjust to my new circumstances? Frasier: Yes, but I'm just concerned that you're immersing yourself in this lifestyle just to avoiding feeling the pain you're going... Martin: Oh, would you just leave the guy alone! He's obviously having a good time! Martin and Frasier begin arguing as Niles sits in his "lazy boy" chair, putting his feet up on a footrest. He sits back looking just like Martin in his "throne." Martin: I'd be happy here myself - this is my kind of place. Niles: [howl of despair] Get me out of this hell hole! Martin: What did I say? Niles: Oh, I can't live this charade! I have tried, it's taking too much out of me. Martin: Now Niles, this place is fine, and you know what they say: "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger." Niles: But Dad, not everyone makes it into that second group. And I've got the luau shirt to prove it. [gets up] Alright, that's it, enough is enough. [takes his phone and dials] Frasier: Niles, who are you calling? Niles: I am calling Maris, I'm going to beg her to take me back. Frasier: You don't want to do that! Niles: Oh yes, I do. Frasier: Niles! Niles: [rapidly] Life with Maris wasn't so bad. It was my fault, after all! I was too rigid, I was always making demands! Frasier: No, Niles! Niles: "Eat something! Unlock this door! Don't throw that!" Martin: Niles, give me that phone. Niles: No! Martin: You don't know what you're doing! Niles: Yes I do. Martin: Just drop it and kick it over here! Niles: I won't! I'm dialing, I'm pressing Send, it's ringing. [into phone] Maris! I'm calling... I'm calling... Martin and Frasier look on, helpless. Niles: I'm calling to tell you that there's a new address for forwarding my mail. 62 Elm Street, Shangri-La Apartments. Thank you [hangs up] Frasier: Well, good for you, Niles. Niles: Oh, the second I heard her voice I knew I couldn't go back. [looks at the room] But how am I ever going to live here? Martin: Oh, it's just temporary, Niles. She can't drag this divorce out forever. Frasier: You know, Niles, perhaps this place is the price you'll have to pay for your freedom. Niles: [pauses] Well, it's worth that. Martin: Good, that's the way to look at it. So let's have a toast to that. [begins pouring] Niles: Thank you, Dad. You know, I never did sign my lease. I suppose now is as good as time as any. [picks it up] Frasier: Niles, perhaps this will make it easier. [hands him the Noel Coward pen] A little housewarming gift. Niles: [a little tearful] Thank you. Martin comes over and hands Niles and Frasier a drink, he has one for himself. Martin: Here we go. Here's looking at you kids! [they drink] Frasier: You know, Niles, you may have to sleep here but you certainly don't have to eat here. How does Cigar Volante sound? Niles: [delighted] Oh, music to my ears! Martin: I can't go in that place without a jacket. Frasier: Well, you know what? Maybe we should poke through that closet, I bet Gary's got a jacket that'll match those pants. They go to the closet and finds a checked jacket which Martin tries on and is pleased with. The three then exit for their favorite restaurant. End Of Act Two (Time: 21:40) [SCENE_BREAK] Niles is decorating his apartment. He takes a ornamental violin from his box and thinks about where to place it. He places it on a cabinet but doesn't like it. He moves it to the television, but doesn't like it. He moves it to the fridge, but yet again doesn't like it's position so he just puts it back in his box to be safe.

Niles has been forced by his ongoing divorce from Maris to buy a cheaper car, as his Mercedes has been repossessed. He realises that his apartment is too expensive, and moves out. He finds a new apartment at the Shangri-La , a cheap bachelor 's apartment complex that falls well below his high standards.

fd_The_O.C._02x21

fd_The_O.C._02x21_0

Seth: (frowns) I don't believe it Ryan, Bright Eyes has two albums in the top ten Ryan: you ok with that Seth: yeah I jus feel like the rest of the worlds finally caught up to me (frowns) it's a little bit scary Ryan: yeah its alot scary Seth: (looks at Ryan, vulnerable) tell me I'm still special (Ryan continues making his breakfast. the phone rings and Seth answers it) Seth: hello (we see an older lady with her back to the camera, she turns around as she speaks and we can see that it's "The Nana" aka Sophie Cohen) Sophie: Setheleh (smiles) Seth: Nanaleh (smiles) how you feeling Sophie: oh if you were all that interested you would'a called me, an would it kill ya to cash that birthday cheque I sent ya (off screen) I'm finished sending ya things Seth: (listens) ok, I'm sorry, I forgot Sophie: make my life very difficult Seth: no I'm sure that twenty dollars outstanding has the bank jus goin crazy Sophie: yeah, smart ass, where's your father (we see Kirsten walk into the kitchen) Seth: (looks around) I don't know where- Kirsten: who is it Seth Seth: actually my mom jus (Sophie takes the phone away from her ear, and doesn't look keen) came in if you wanna talk to her (to Kirsten softly) it's The Nana (Kirsten looks at Seth and mouths "no" while shaking her finger. Seth looks at Kirsten as if to say 'what do you want me to do'. Sandy walks into the kitchen) Seth: (into the phone) hellooo my dad jus showed up, awkward family moment avoided for...everyone but me, love you Sophie: yeah, you could'a fooled me Seth: (whispers) its The Nana (hands Sandy the phone) Sandy: oh (into the phone, loudly) Ma (smiles) hey, how are ya (leaves the room) Seth: (frowns) why'does he always get so much louder when he talks to her Kirsten: there a family of screamers (we can hear Sandy still talking in the background) Ryan: how's the grandma feelin Seth: (looks at Ryan) The Nana (points) Ryan please, grandma evokes home made cookies an knitting an someone who's actually nice to you Kirsten: The Nana (shakes her head) definitely not nice to you, or me (smiles) but she's doing great (looks at Ryan) full remission (Ryan nods) Seth: which confirms my suspicion (points) that she is in fact immortal (Sandy comes back in, still on the phone) Sandy: what so soon...oh my god Ma (Kirsten looks at him) eh- let me call ya back (Seth looks at him) (hangs up) Kirsten: what happened Seth: is everything alright Sandy: ...The Nana...headed for the altar (Seth smiles, suprised) Kirsten: (almost laughing) she's getting married Sandy: pack your bags we're goin'a Miami (Sandy leaves the room, Ryan frowns) Seth: alright, shuffle board mahjong, dinner four (points) its gonna be the best spring break ever Theme song - California by Phantom Planet Pool house - Seth opens the door and walks in Seth: (almost Jamaican accent) hey man (Ryan is sitting on the edge of his bed, putting his shoes on) Seth: now I know you think your excited about Miami, but I cannot wait (Ryan puts his head back then stands) for you to meet the guys at Nanas condo, we got Abe, we got Stu, we got Stanley (thinks) although I think Stanley may have...passed on, he had a prostate thing, I hope- Ryan: ah-huh (raises the blind) I can't go Seth: what (looks at Ryan) why not Ryan: cause (shrugs) you know everything with me an Marissa (raises another blind) Seth: is awesome Ryan: fine ok, but you know, there's Trey Seth: who's also doing awesome (points) Ryan (shakes his head) face it you got not excuses (Ryan looks at him before raising another blind) everything's great you deserve a vacation (points to himself) we actually deserve a vacation Ryan, an it would mean alot to my dad Ryan: (looks at Seth) yeah, yeah he is kinda worked up Seth: he's gonna need some company Ryan: well, he's got you (hits Seth on the side of the arm) Seth: I can't man my schedules all booked up (Ryan listens while he raises another blind) I got pinochle with the ladies on Saturday (Ryan looks at him, raises his eyebrows) bridge Sunday with the fellas (Ryan nods) still gotta call an see if I can get on that bingo cruise, that's gonna be freakin awesome Ryan: (looks at Seth) what about you an Summer Seth: I'm gonna go over there (folds his arms) I'm gonna apologise, extremely sincerely...an then I'm gonna get outta town before I can do anything else wrong (Ryan looks at him) what'do you say (softly) Miami (a little louder) Miami (questioning tone) Miami (confident tone) Miami Miami (Ryan looks as though he's caving) Miami (smiles) Miami (makes like a sun with his hands then folds his arms again) Ryan: (slight nod, smiles) Miami Seth: (smiles) Mi-ami (claps) CUT TO: Cohen bedroom - Sandy is on the laptop looking panicked and Kirsten walks in Sandy: honey (turns around, Kirsten walks over) d'you have my American Advantage number I'm on AA dot com an I'm-I'm tryin'a use my (Kirsten puts her hand on his shoulder, listening) miles to upgrade, you know me I-I I hate sittin in the middle Kirsten: oh it's in my purse (walks towards the bed) but what's the rush sweetie, it's not like she's getting married tomorrow Sandy: well I know its just I love my mother...but who else would Kirsten: (looks at Sandy) that's terrible Sandy: you wouldn't say the same thing about your dad Kirsten: (smiles) you make a good point Sandy: you know its jus she was so happy on the phone (Kirsten walks back over with what Sandy wanted) I jus wanna make sure everything works out for her, great, you know especially after the year she's had Kirsten: (leaning over and looking admiringly at Sandy) you...are a good son Sandy: (raises eyebrows) oh yeah, how bout husband Kirsten: (smiles) definitely top five (kisses Sandy's head) CUT TO: Treys apartment - Trey comes out of the bedroom on the phone, looking sleepy Trey: Miami huh (off screen) well have a hell of a time man (we see Ryan drop some clothes on top of a bag, then the camera pans up to show he's on the phone) Ryan: (sighs) thanks, you'll be alright Trey: don't worry mom ill be fine (sits, we hear a knock at the door) uhh yo Ry look I gotta jump, I probably the land lord complainin about somethin (stands to go to the door) yeah...alright have fun, see ya (hangs up the phone and opens the door, we cant see who's at the door yet) (stares) definitely not the land lord (we then see Jess standing there in a bikini top) Jess: (looks at Trey) hey you (Trey moves aside so Jess can go in. he reaches his hand over her head to shut the door) Jess: so (Trey raises his eyebrow) I jus wanted to come by to say thanks again (puts her head on the side) for not selling me out, have you met Don Julio (raises eyebrows and holds up a bottle with a red bow on it) Trey: (laughs) yeah me an uh (takes the bottle) Don go way back...thanks for the gift Jess: oh that's not the gift (motions with her head then walks away) I figure (Trey looks at her) guys ben in prison for eighteen months (looks at Trey over her shoulder) probably got pretty lonely (Jess puts her hands on both ties that are her holding her bikini top on, one near her neck and the other on her back. the camera shot changes and all we can see are Jess' feet, then the bikini top falls and lands next to them. camera changes again and we see Jess' bare back and a small sexy smile from her before she continues walking up the hallway) Trey: you have no idea (Trey follows Jess then the camera shot changes again. we are level with the floor and we see Jess' feet almost at the bedroom door, and her bikini top is out of focus in the foreground) CUT TO: Summers bedroom - we see a black and white punching bag being punched by 2 white gloves, the camera gradually turns to show that Summer is the one doing the boxing/punching, and she is very aggressive and focused. we can also hear the start of the song 'eye of the tiger'. Seth opens Summers door and sees her boxing Seth: hey Summer (Summer looks at him) busy (Summer spits her mouth guard out onto the floor {gross btw} Summer: (frowns) what'do you want Cohen Seth: (walks in) ta...talk (turns off the song) Summer: (punches) yeah (motions) hold my bag Seth: (behind the bag) anything for my million dollar baby (Summer punches the bag, unimpressed. Seth flinches {lol) Seth: um so look (looks at Summer) I jus came to apologise Summer: (looks at Seth) why (punch) because I was (punch) (clenches her teeth) humiliated in front of all of your (punch) oh so hip super dorked out (mocking tone) indie music loving comic book geeks (raises eyebrows, punch) who looked at me like I was some (looks at Seth) dim wit Orange County (punch) ho Seth: uh yeah (nods) (Summer glares at him) but that was never my intention, ok (sincerely) I really only wanted you there to be apart of everything with me Summer: look there's no point in you apologising because (matter of factly) you can no longer make me upset Seth: your just (shrugs) immune ta my charms (raises eyebrows) Summer: working on it (knocks her gloves together trying to look tough) (softens) but you know what I could use...a time out (looks at Seth) Seth: (looks shocked) oh...ok, well you know good that actually (Summer looks down) cause that's good timing cause I'm headed to Miami ta...see The Nana so Summer: well perfect (looks at Seth) yeah go to Miami, get wasted an wind up on music video nations spring break special Seth: it's actually nothing like that, the only thing I'm gonna be drinkin is metamucil Summer: oh yeah, like I'm gonna believe that (Seth looks at her) look jus go, go sew your oats (shrugs) get all of your Cohen-y Cohen-ish Cohen-isms out of your system (grins) Seth: an when I get back Summer: (closes her eyes then looks at Seth) we'll see (Seth leaves the room and we hear the door shut. Summer screws her face up and punches the bag, hard) CUT TO: Marissa's bedroom - Ryan opens the door and walks in. Marissa is over near the end of her bed, she turns around and sees him Marissa: (smiles) hi Ryan: wow (shuts the door) hey (smiles) (Marissa and Ryan move closer to each other, Marissa puts her hands around Ryan's neck) Marissa: so just imagine (they kiss) Ryan: mm Marissa: a whole weekend (kissing) of nothing (kissing) but this Ryan: (pulls away) if you can jus hold that thought till like next weekend Marissa: (pushes Ryan onto the bed) why (leans against the bed post) you going somewhere (smiles) Ryan: uh...yeah actually (looks at Marissa) Miami Marissa: oh...South Beach for a little spring break action (shrugs) (raises eyebrows) meet some college girls Ryan: not quite I'm uh goin with Seth and Sandy to see The Nana Marissa: oooooh that's really sweet, that'll be fun (gets on the bed next to Ryan) Ryan: yeah no it will be its jus (frowns, turns to face Marissa) I don't know I feel kinda weird leaving Trey here by himself Marissa: I can hang out with him Ryan: yeah, really cause I was kinda gonna help him find a job (raises eyebrows, hopeful) Marissa: (laughs) I got it covered Ryan: (smiles) thanks I owe you (kisses Marissa) Marissa: mm, yes, you do, you do owe me (moves on top of Ryan) a whole weekend (smiles) of nothing (kisses Ryan) but this (more kissing) (after a few seconds Ryan moves himself so Marissa is lying on the bed, and he's on top of her, still making out) Ryan: (stops and looks at Marissa) that I can do (they continue kissing) CUT TO: Cohen house - Sandy and Kirsten come out of the bedroom and make their way to the front door. Sandy is holding his bag for Miami Sandy: (worried) alright now you got all the numbers, my cell phone, the Fontainebleau {sounds like fountainblue} (Kirsten smiles) The Nana Kirsten: (looks at Sandy) I got the numbers Sandy: (looks at Kirsten) you remember how to set the-the alarm to no delay Kirsten: (nods) mm-hmm Sandy: an if the alarm goes off the code word is Kirsten: grease lightening, I got it! Sandy: d-do you need any cash Kirsten: I have plenty of money Sandy: (thinks) I gassed up your car Kirsten: (humouring Sandy) which I so appreciate Sandy: are you gonna be fine Kirsten: ill be fine Sandy: I love you (kisses Kirsten) Kirsten: mm (frowns) the question is, are you gonna be ok (folds her arms) Sandy: oh yeah (we now see Ryan and Seth outside with the cab. Ryan opens the boot and he and Seth put their bags in. Sandy and Kirsten come out of the front door) Sandy: (calls) fellas, you got everything Seth: (thinks) uh I got my cardigan, my orthopedic shoes an my humidifier, now take me to my people (puts his hands out and hugs Kirsten) Kirsten: (pats Seth's back) bye Seth: bye (goes to the cab) Kirsten: (to Ryan) bye (hugs Ryan and pats his back) Ryan: bye bye (goes to the cab) (Kirsten and Sandy are now facing each other. Sandy kisses Kirsten on the cheek, Kirsten kisses Sandy on the cheek. we hear the engine start up on the cab. Kirsten takes a deep breath, and Sandy gets in the cab. we see the cab drive off and Kirsten watches for a second - the next thing we see is Kirsten coming back in the front door, into an empty, quiet house. she looks a little lost/lonely. she looks over at the phone and picks it up, she dials a number and puts the phone to her ear) Kirsten: is Carter in the office CUT TO: Miami - we see a shot of the plane taking off, but the camera is positioned so that we see the underside of the plane as it moves towards the top of screen. {it's the opposite of an aerial shot, whatever that is called! lol} we then see a big wall thing with MIMI BEACH in gold letters, underneath that is a thermometer of some sort. the needle is sitting at 85. this fades to a beautiful shot of the coast. ocean on the left and the beach on the right. this then changes to a black car driving passed. the car stops outside of a building that has Fontainebleau displayed in big silver letters. Sandy is sitting in the front and Ryan and Seth are in the back seat. Ryan and Seth get out Ryan: whoa Sandy: (gets out) in the immortal words'a Will Smith, thankyou (takes something from a worker) welcome to Miami (Ryan slightly smiles) Seth: (frowns) theres too many...young tan healthy people here uh I don't like it Sandy: well let's check in anyway, hey who wants some dinner Ryan: yeah Seth: (points) its four pm in Orange County, they put us on the early bird circuit CUT TO: The Newport Group - Carter is reading a magazine in Kirsten's office and Kirsten walks in, enthusiastically Kirsten: hey Carter: hey (puts the magazine down) Kirsten: I have the weekend ta myself (puts briefcase down on the desk) I thought we could, roll up our sleeves really dig in an maybe even get (looks at Carter) a few issues ahead Carter: well id...hold onta that thought if I were you (Kirsten listens) turns out Newport Living which I thought would be the last nail in the coffin that is my career is actually (raises eyebrows) the thing that saved it Kirsten: (turns and looks at Carter, impressed) you got another job offer (Carter sighs) well Carter that's...great (smiles) Carter: thanks (Kirsten turns so her back is facing Carter, and her smile goes) Carter: yeah so I-I fly out on Monday Kirsten: (turns around, shocked) fly out where Carter: New York, that's where the job is an there...relocating me Kirsten: (sinks in) you're leaving (raises eyebrows) Carter: I am (raises eyebrows) (Kirsten turns away again) but my publisher (moves closer to Kirsten) is uh lining up someone to replace me, you know someone who is smarter an better at this then I am, so (sighs) I hope you don't...think I'm jumping ship Kirsten: (turns around) because you are (Carter and Kirsten both smile) Kirsten: it's really...great (nods) (Carters smile fades, as does Kirsten's. they look at each other for a second and Carter puts his arms out for a hug. Kirsten doesn't hold Carter very tight with her hands, but she closes her eyes and that says it all) Carter: I was thinking we could have (Kirsten opens her eyes) a farewell dinner Kirsten: (pulls away) you know what, we should Carter: great, ill make a reservation at Arches Kirsten: or you could come...by the house tomorrow (smiles) ill cook (laughs) CUT TO: Miami outside at night - Ryan, Sandy and Seth are walking, and there are fluorescent signs around them Ryan: man, I thought Newport was nice whoo Sandy: this is somethin huh Seth: yeah...if you're a fan of the...vibrant night life, hey why can't we go see The Nana tonight Sandy: well you know The Nana an her schedule, Friday nights mahjong Seth: (suprised) what Sandy: yeah (nods) Seth: since when is Friday night mahjong, that totally throws off my schedule Sandy: breathe it in boys, we got a weekend away with nothin to worry about (Ryan looks at him) CUT TO: Treys apartment - Marissa walks up and rings the doorbell then waits. Trey answers the door shirtless, and with what looks like only a blanket or towel wrapped around his lower half Marissa: (suprised) oh, hey, sorry Trey: Marissa what-what's up, Ryan took off for Miami huh Marissa: yeah uh so I jus wanted you ta know that while he's gone (shrugs) I'm here Trey: cool (smiles) uh (Marissa smiles) you know you don't have to if you don't want to Marissa: no, I want to...an you know I thought maybe tomorrow we could go job hunting Trey: that...sounds great (nods) i thought with Ryan gone I was gonna be all alone in Newport Marissa: no, not on my watch, so ill see you (shrugs) tomorrow Trey: cant wait (Marissa walks over to her car. Trey goes back inside and shuts the door. he walks over to the curtains and looks out at Marissa. Marissa waves and smiles at Trey from the car. Trey puts his hand up to Marissa and does a small wave back. Jess walks up behind Trey. we see Marissa start to reverse out) Jess: you an Marissa Cooper (Trey looks at her, then back out the window) yeah right (walks over to the couch) Trey: (still looking out the window) it's not like that Jess: (sits on the couch) sure isn't (almost laughing) not in this life time...or this town (snorts a line of coke that is laid out on the coffee table) (we then see Marissa driving down the road. Trey watches then pulls the curtain back across) CUT TO: Miami - in this scene we see different shots of Miami as full shots, then they shrink down to a medium size square until there are four different squares filling the screen. the first is a tanned girl sun baking the second is a bunch of flamingos, a baseball player throwing a ball and finally a close up of several tanned legs and hands sun baking. these 4 squares split to reveal 2 bikini clad women rollerblading - now we are outside at the place where The Nana lives. there are 3 old men sitting at a table together. {these names may be wrong because Seth doesn't actually refer to any one of them by name so this is just a guess} Abe: your move (points to Stanley) Stu: (taps Abe) you playin with him (points) Abe: yeah I'm playin with him Stu: I thought you were playin with me (points to himself) Abe: I'm playin with him (points at Stanley) Stu: no I-I jus I jus moved (Seth, Sandy and Ryan walk up) Seth: now we're talking (puts on thick black glasses) (old guy voice) Abe, Stu, Stanley Stu: hey, look who's here Seth: how are ya Abe: terrible Stu: worse, worse Stanley: how's your nervous stomach, you still got spilkas Stu: why don't you have a seat Seth: (sits) ahhhhh Stanley: you need my heating pad Seth: backs a little sore, backs a little sore (Sandy and Ryan are watching, fascinated) Sandy: alright, now I'm officially terrified Ryan: he-he doesn't have this many friends at school (points) (the camera pans and shows Sophie standing near by) Sophie: so they do fly airplanes from Orange County to Miami, I wouldn't know I see so little of you Sandy: Ma (kisses Sophie then they hug) ahhh you look better then ever Sophie: (smiles) yeah (raises eyebrows) getting married Sandy: (nods) you remember Ryan (points) Sophie: course who would forget with those arms (Ryan smiles) (hugs Ryan) you know if I weren't engaged, oooh (Ryan laughs) ah there's my grandson (walks over to Seth) hello boobeleh Seth: (stands) helloo Nana Sophie: (kisses Seth's cheek) mwa (hugs Seth) I want you to tell me everything (looks at Seth) that's gone on for you this whole last year Seth: ooooh (laughs) I can barely remember what I had for dinner last night, please at the same time: Stanley: welcome to the club Abe: me too (Seth goes and sits back down with the 'guys' Sophie walks back over to Sandy and Ryan) Sophie: you wanna talk Sandy: sure I do (to Ryan) you keep an eye on him make sure he doesn't die of old age, huh (Sandy and Sophie walk off together. Ryan watches Seth) Seth: (points to a cup) is this metamucil malted CUT TO: The Nanas house? - Sophie takes her lunch over to the table, where Sandy is sitting with his lunch Sophie: Kirsten couldn't make it Sandy: well, she wanted to Sophie: ah-huh, so how are things with you two (sits) Sandy: ...ta be honest, they've ben better Sophie: (looks at Sandy and touches his hand) you two will work it out (raises eyebrows) Sandy: wow, since when did you become such a romantic Sophie: falling in love will do that to you (Sandy looks at her) speaking of which (stands) I have photos from the place where we're holding the ceremony (picks up the photos) in June so you should book your tickets now Sandy: whoa June what's the rush, pregnant Sophie: (fake laughs) very funny, listen you go through a year like I did, you don't wanna waste any time...besides, I wanna move before the summer storms hit Sandy: (suprised) you're moving Sophie: (nods) yeah, Bobby is twelve years my junior this place skews a little old for him, we're gonna move ta the condo you bought me in Sarasota Sandy: well finally, it was meant ta be lived in Sophie: Bobby flipped when he saw it Sandy: beach front, unbeatable location why wouldn't he (looks at Sophie) Sophie: ...I know what you're thinking Sanford...an cynicism is a Cohen family trait Sandy: yeah, well I learned from the master Sophie: yeah well...none the less, he's a good guy, an he can move his practice anywhere, everybody always needs a good chiropractor (Sandy looks at her, worried) not another word (points) Sandy: (looks down) I can't wait to meet him Sophie: very good, eat your lunch Sandy: yes Ma CUT TO: Summers bedroom - Summer is punching her punching bag again, very focused on what she's doing. we can hear eye of the tiger softly this time because she is listening to it through earphones. Summer is punching the bag with her back facing the door. Zach walks in and sees her Zach: (smiles) Summer (Summer continues punching, she doesn't realise Zach is there) Zach: (shuts the door) hey (touches Summers shoulder) Summer (Summer hits the punching bag twice then turns around and punches Zach right in the face. Zach knocks into the wall) Zach: ooooooh Summer: (kneels down, muffled scream) mmm (spits the mouth guard out on the floor {again, gross!} (sucks saliva back) oh god (takes out the earphones) Zach I'm so sorry (wipes her mouth with her arm) are you ok (Zach holds his jaw) I was in a rage black out my therapist told me that boxing might help me work through it Zach: (frowns, still holding his jaw) I came over to see uh if you were ok after the other night Summer: I'm in gym clothes an my hair is in French braids (points) so I'm terrible (sighs) Cohen an I are on time out Zach: (lets go of his jaw) oh Summer: he went off to Miami to I'm sure party it up like he always does this time'a year when we're on a time out Zach: well are you to full'a rage ta hang out...maybe come over for dinner Summer: (closes her eyes) no offence Zach but hanging with your family (opens her eyes, shakes her head) couldn't sound worse Zach: oh no I totally understand, um, there in Aspen for an economics conference (smiles) Summer: (relieved) ah Zach: come on, ill cook, Italian (smiles) Francesca gave me a great recipe (Summer smiles at him) CUT TO: Miami - Seth is playing shuffle board with an old guy, and he's beating him. the old guy pushes his piece {or whatever it is you do in this game,lol} his black piece thingy knocks Seths yellow one into square 7 while his piece lands completely outside of the triangle Seth: oooooh, choke (points) si'down (we see that the old guy he just told to 'si'down' is in a wheelchair!) Seth: sorry figure'a speech (slightly feminine tone) victory lap (runs off with his shuffleboard stick) (the guy in the wheel chair leaves. Seth runs passed the spectator's proudly high fiving each one) Seth: my people (throws his hands in the air) Stanley: you cleaned his clock (points) (Seth nods) Stu: not that he'll pay up, that cheap b*st*rd (Ryan comes over {he's looking pretty hot in his wife beater!}) Ryan: hey Seth what'do you say, y-you ready to roll (points to himself) cause I'm really hungry Stu: hey, I'm famished too Seth: doesn't seem like there's anybody left to beat so why don't we go inta the dining hall, we're gonna have lunch (points to himself) my treat (Abe Stu and Stanley cheer and shake Seth and Ryan's hands. a girl and her grandma are standing a little behind them) Mary Sue: can I get in on the action (Seth and Ryan look over) Mary Sue: (walks over) Mary Sue (smiles) nice to meet you (points) this is my grandma Mary Ellen at the same time: Seth: hello Ryan: hello (they both wave, grandma waves back) Ryan: uh (looks at Seth) actually we were gonna go eat uh right Seth: yeah well your here, you like food? Mary Sue: (puts up a finger) one round Seth: (nods) sure, sure should jus take a second, ok (points with his stick) rack them sir CUT TO: The Bait Shop - Marissa is inside walking around, she appears to be waiting for someone. she breathes out and then we hear a door open in the background. Trey comes out of a door and Marissa turns around Marissa: hey, how'd it go Trey: (holds his arms out) my dreams come true (holds up a Bait Shop shirt) I'm cleaning toilets Marissa: y-you got it Trey: I start tomorrow Marissa: oh that's great (hugs Trey) (Trey looks thrown but happy by the hug. Marissa smiles at him) Trey: uh so we uh we gotta celebrate, tonight ok (Marissa shrugs) I will make margaritas Marissa: um ill bring the guacamole Trey: sounds like a...party (Marissa smiles, shrugs) but uh I gotta stay here fill out some paper work so...ill see you tonight uh Marissa: ok (shrugs, smiles) Trey: an hey thanks...feel like my life's comin together Marissa: hey I'm happy to help, so uh ill see you later (nods) (Marissa leaves and Trey watches her go) CUT TO: Miami - Mary Sue does her shuffle board move thingy and her yellow piece knocks Seth's black piece out the spot marked 7. Ryan is standing there watching, and sipping his drink. Seth watches in disbelief. Mary Sue jumps up and down, excited. the guy in the wheel chair also puts his fist in the air, happy that Seth was beaten Mary Sue: (dances then stops) I do believe we have a new shuffle board champion (hugs her grandma) Seth: (stunned) cant believe she beat me Ryan: I can, can we eat now Seth: absolutely not (looks at Ryan) I wont go down like that (Ryan looks away) these people look up to me, I'm like a god to them Mary Sue: you uh wanna lose again Seth: I wanna play again (points with his stick) only this time why don't we make it interesting (puts his hands out) little wager (Mary Sue looks at him) you wanna do money, you wanna do food...you want me to streak naked through the bingo hall Mary Sue: actually uh...I do need a partner Seth: a partner Ryan: (walks over) uh what kind of partner Mary Sue: well see besides being down here to visit my grandma (smiles) I entered into a dance contest Seth: (takes off his glasses, frowns) a dance contest Mary Sue: for music video nation, for their (thinks) big - spring - break - special, an the winner gets five thousand dollars which...would really help with my college loans Seth: (nods) well that sounds very reasonable Mary Sue (puts on his glasses then whispers to Ryan) only move she's gettin outta me is a victory dance (Seth walks away and Ryan looks over his shoulder and watches him out of the corner of his eye) CUT TO: MVN's Sprung Break - Swerve is on the stage with a microphone, and a girl from Sherman Oaks: The Real Valley Swerve: (yells) what up, what up, what up (the crowd cheers) yeah (more cheers) my names Swerve, the host of MVN sp- sp- sprung break comin at'choo live from South Beach (puts his hand up) (we see a shot of the crowd going wild) Pixie: hi I'm Pixie one'a the stars of Sherman Oaks the real Valley Swerve: woooo (more cheers, screaming) a'ight a'ight I hope ya'll pumped up cause this next performers gonna be off the chain, an totally bananas oh bananas oh bananas, bring - em - out for my dawg from the dirty south...T I (on the platform we see a huge sign that reads SPRING BREAK in big white letters with black edging. underneath that in yellow is SOUTH BEACH. T.I walks out under the sign and starts performing. we see different shots of the crowd going wild, Swerve and Pixie getting into it etc. after a little while we see Seth, Mary Sue and Ryan making their way through the crowd) Seth: I don't know man?, I've never played anyone under eighty five before Ryan: right Mary Sue: um I think the registration tables over there (points) we need to sign in Seth: ok so what kinda dancin are we talkin about here, a little jazz step a little soft shoe Mary Sue: (stops) actually it's not quite a dance contest Seth: (looks at Mary Sue) it isn't Mary Sue: no (holds up a can of whipped cream and smiles then laughs) Ryan: (to Seth) she's got whipped cream Seth Seth: yeah I know (points) maybe she's bakin a cake Mary Sue: see I'm gonna cover myself in whipped cream (motions) an your gonna lick it all off (points to Seth) an eat a cherry outta my mouth before any of the other contestants (Ryan looks at the cream, then her) Seth: did she say cherry Mary Sue: if we win it would mean so much to my grandma (Seth looks at her) not havin to worry about my college loans (smiles) with all the money she spends on medication Seth: yeah (looks at Ryan, caving) (Mary Sue holds her hand out to Seth) (frowns) it's...her grandma (Ryan looks at him) (takes Mary Sue's hand) who does she have Ryan: (calls after Seth) yeah well jus...hope Summer hasn't paid her cable bill (we see Seth being led through the crowd by Mary Sue - we see more of T.I, the crowd, Swerve and Pixie etc) CUT TO: Marissa's bedroom - Marissa's phone is ringing on her dresser, near a brush and hand mirror. Marissa picks up the phone and looks at who's calling, then smiles and answers Marissa: Ryan (in the background of Ryan we can hear the crowd) Ryan: (shouts) hello Marissa: hey, what's going on (sits on the bed) Ryan: ah it's um actually kind of a long story can you do me a favour, if you see Summer, could you please um keep her away from the television Marissa: (now lying down on her bed) well actually I was going over to Treys to celebrate (shrugs) he got a job Ryan: really, that's awesome! (a drunk girl goes over to Ryan) DG: they disqualified me from the wet t-shirt contest, but don't they look real (the girl lifts her top and shows Ryan + the crowd her chest. we don't see it, we only see Ryan + the crowds reaction. Ryan is stunned by what he's seeing. Marissa laughs, listening) Marissa: wait that wasn't The Nana was it DG: oh my god I'm gonna puke (puts her hand over her mouth and moves out of the shot) (the crowd makes noises as if they are grossed out. we hear the sounds of the drunk girl being sick. Ryan looks grossed out) Ryan: actually I'm uh...kinda wishin I was back home right now Marissa: yeah I'm...kinda wishin that too (Ryan listens) stay outta trouble ok Ryan: yeah, back at ya (hangs up) (Marissa smiles and then hangs up) [SCENE_BREAK] CUT TO: Zach's house - Zach is in the kitchen cooking, wearing a chef's hat and he has flour smudged on his cheek. Summer is in there with him Summer: wow it's like a regular olive garden around here Zach: (accent) bonjourno Summer Summer: (laughs) so, what is (reads) ganochie Zach: I don't know, I'm making gnocchi...you've never had gnocchi before Summer: (shakes her head, laughs) no I've never head of it until like five seconds ago, how do you say it Zach: (looks at Summer) gnocchi {pronounced ny-o-ke} Summer: gnocchi Zach: (looks at Summer) bellisimo (Summer laughs) (laughs) listen I'm gonna be a while so I'm gonna turn on the TV here (turns on TV with remote) Summer: (looks over) ah MVN spring break special (on the TV we see Swerve and Pixie, and the crowd going wild etc) Zach: per-fecto (Summer looks at him) (smiles) I took the Italian thing a little to far there didn't I Summer: yeah (nods) you had me at bonjourno (Zach smiles then looks away) thanks for having me over (frowns, shakes her head) an don't worry I wont talk about Cohen Zach: oh Cohen or no Cohen I'm jus here for the gnocchi (smiles) (Summer smiles then looks over at the TV. Zach looks at Summer admiringly) CUT TO: A restaurant of some sort - Sophie and Sandy walk in together Sophie: I really want you to like him Sandy Sandy: oh, me too Ma, me too Sophie: (smiles) there he is (Bobby is waiting at a table by himself. when he sees Sandy and Sophie he stands) Sandy: hey Sandy Cohen (shakes Bobby's hand) pleasure Bobby: Bobby Mills (smiles) heard alot about ya, hey sweetie (kisses Sophie) it's unbelievable, you look way too young to have a son this old (laughs) hey no offense Sandy: why would I be offended (looks at Bobby) Sophie: I have'ta tinkle so you two have alot to talk about, mainly me (smiles) (Sandy smiles then it goes) Bobby: she's a great lady huh, your mom, what a pistol (laughs) Sandy: I always thought of it as more of an AK forty seven (Bobby laughs) (sits) I gotta tell you Bobby since she's met you she has mellowed, my mother in love I never thought id see the day Bobby: she came inta my clinic, I cracked her back (smiles) an the rest is history (sits) Sandy: wow, that is so romantic, I'm jus so happy she's met a-a nice guy you know (sits forward) an honest guy Bobby: oh, well thankyou Sandy Sandy: no thankyou you know listen there're alotta guys out there, they see an older woman, not in perfect health, with a million dollar condo in her name (Bobby looks at him) well, we've all seen sixty minutes haven't we Bobby: well, I'm more a dateline guy, I like that Stone Philips Sandy: who doesn't (smiles) (Bobby looks at him) you know I was a public defender for many years an (shakes his head) my tendency is to be suspicious, it's a problem for me Bobby you know, I've got trust issues...I'm workin on it, I'm workin on it (looks at Bobby) but I got a ways to go Bobby: you can trust me Sandy Sandy: well that's what I figured (nods) you know so I tell my cop friends an my buddies at the FBI they say Sandy, Sandy (Bobby listens) let me run a background check on this guy (Bobby looks away) you know what I say (Bobby looks at him) I said nah (sits back) Sophie Cohen is still pretty sharp, if she trusts you...I trust you (Bobby nods) (Sophie comes back to the table. Bobby and Sandy stand) Sophie: great-great news they have fresh crab Sandy: oh they can't be better then Joes, Bobby, you like Joes stone crab Bobby: (looks at Sandy) yeah, I love em (Sandy nods) CUT TO: Treys apparent - Marissa is in the lounge room and Trey comes out of the kitchen holding a blender Marissa: I figured you've ben outta the loop for a while, you probably need to catch up on your movies (waves DVDs) Trey: margaritas (points to blender) an movies, sure (Marissa sits on the couch) what'do you got Marissa: ooooh (holds the movie to her chest) the best movie of like all time The Notebook Trey: (sits on the bean bag) you know I'm kinda more a shoot em up type guy, where people like die Marissa: well James Garner doesn't fair so well Trey: hey, if it's your favourite movie, I'm in (hands Marissa a drink. Marissa smiles) a toast, to you, thankyou Marissa: ah to me, I like that toast (Marissa smiles and they clink cups. they both drink and the camera pans down to show the jug of margaritas) CUT TO: Cohen kitchen - we see Kirsten holding a glass of wine in her hand. she picks it up and slowly takes a sip, then looks over at the table where it has 6 lit candles on it. it looks almost romantic. Kirsten is then startled by a timer going off, she puts down her wine glass and goes over to pick up a pan of food, she puts it down on the bench and then blows out a candle. just as she does this Carter appears in the doorway Carter: (knocks on the wood) hey (smiles) (Kirsten looks suprised) a little early Kirsten: its ok I-I jus finished (smiles) Carter: (raises eyebrows) you made all this Kirsten: it's amazing what I can do when I'm off work Carter: (looks at Kirsten) who knew Kirsten: (nervous laugh) ...would you like some wine (holds up a glass) CUT TO: Miami - Seth is back stage with Mary Sue, getting ready for the contest. other couples are there as well practicing, Seth frowns as he walks passed a guy licking his partners arm completely clean. Seth waves to Mary Sue Mary Sue: (laughs) hi Seth: um, I've ben doin like a little bit'a thinking (unsure) an you know I'm not so sure I'm the guy for this job Mary Sue: (frowns) your backin out on me Seth: no no no (looks away) its-its not that its jus you know (looks at Mary Sue) there's whipped cream...an I'm a little bit (raises eyebrows) lactose intolerant so Mary Sue: (frowns) but if you back out on me ill have no chance to win... (guilt trip) an grandma Mary Ellen won't pay her medical bills, an ill have'ta drop outta college Seth: (feels bad) well...I'm a fan'a medicate an education so (smiles) ok Mary Sue: (relieved laugh) thankyou, thankyou so much (nods) Seth: no worries (smiles) Mary Sue: (shy) its almost time to get ready Seth: (raises eyebrows) ok, what'do we do (raises eyebrows) (Mary Sue takes her dress off so she's only in her bikini, Seth watches and nods - we then change scenes to where Ryan walks over to the bar) Ryan: hey man, can I get a bottle'a water please (a guy standing on the left of Ryan starts talking to him. {the guy is completely straight faced and serious through this whole scene, however it is completely funny to watch!}) Guy: how you doin Ryan: (looks at the guy) eh I'm alright, you Guy: bad...can't find my girlfriend Ryan: yeah, lost her in a crowd Guy: lost her last night, she told me she was comin to Florida to see her grandma, but her best friend (raises eyebrows) told me she entered some contest down here, modestly revealin her body for money Ryan: (looks at the guy with wide eyes) oh well, spring break that does happen (smiles and takes a drink) Guy: doesn't happen where we're from Ryan: (looks at the Guy) where's that Guy: Bob Jones University (Ryan takes another drink) they find out what she's doin here, she'll be expelled, which wont matter when she's burnin in hell Ryan: (looks at the guy, slightly freaked out) mm yeah that's rough Guy: worse part is I think she's cheatin on me with whoever her partner in sin is (motions with his head) that's why I brought my boys with me Ryan: (looks) oh yeah, those your frat brothers Guy: bible study buddies (Ryan looks at him) we get a ahold'a who's corruptin her (raises eyebrows) gonna be judgment day for him (nods) an Mary Sue (Ryan has the water bottle in his mouth, and stops drinking when he hears that name. he looks shocked) Ryan: did you say Mary Sue (the guy nods and Ryan makes an 'of course it's her' expression. he then looks out the corner of his eye to the stage where the contest is about to begin. the lights go off and the crowd screams) CUT TO: Cohen kitchen - Kirsten is struggling to open a bottle of wine on the counter. Kirsten gives up and starts walking over to the table where Carter is sitting holding an empty bottle of wine Carter: this is scandalous I don't think I've ever finished a full bottle'a wine before dinner (laughs) Kirsten: is it a bad sign when you drink so much that you can't open a new bottle (laughs) Carter: yeah I think it means we should stop drinking (Kirsten looks at him) who're we kidding, here (Carter stands up and puts his hand on the bottle on top of Kirsten's, he uses his other hand to pull and the bottle opens. both of their hands are still grasping the bottle) Carter: there (slowly moves his hand off) Kirsten: (takes hers off) we definitely need to eat (Kirsten looks at Carter then goes over to the end of the counter. she looks as though she is struggling to keep it together) CUT TO: Miami - Sandy and Sophie are seated at a table together, outside by the pool Sophie: well it looks like the Fontainebleau an I seem to be aging nicely Sandy: yeah but the Fontainebleau has had alotta work done Sophie: (smiles) this au naturale thing is why I'm beating them off with a stick (Sandy smiles) speaking of which where is Bobby (getting worried) he should'a ben here by now Sandy: didn't he say he was gonna be uh stoppin off at his office (Sophie nods) how far is that from here Sophie: not all that far, I hope nothings wrong (we hear a cell phone ring, Sophie picks up her bag and pulls out her phone) Sandy: (suprised) look at Ma with a cell phone Sophie: I'm very hip (opens the phone) Sandy: I guess so Sophie: (squints) I jus cant read the buttons Sandy: let me see (looks then presses a button) Sophie: hello (relieved) Bobby where are you we're waiting for you (smiles goes) what (Sandy looks worried) a malpractice suite sweet heart that's terrible come over here so we can talk about it (Sandy drinks) the airport where're you going (Sandy looks at her) well how long before you think this thing blows over (frowns, while listening) I see...ok...goodbye (hangs up, stunned) Bobby wont be joining us Sandy: jus like that huh (Sophie looks at Sandy, Sandy looks at her) Sophie: (realises) what'did you say to him (Sandy looks away, not saying anything. Sophie looks at Sandy for a second before picking up her bag and leaving the table. Sandy is sitting there by himself) CUT TO: Treys apartment - we see fingers flipping a coin into an empty cup. then we see that Trey and Marissa are sitting at the coffee table, across from each other. Trey is the one who just flicked the coin. Marissa has her hand resting on her head, she's tipsy Trey: ooooh Marissa: oh, man, ok you 're way to good at this cause I've lost like (holds her cup up) ten times (laughs) in a row (drinks) Trey: (swallows) yeah well, I was all Chino (raises eyebrows) in drinking Marissa: yeah well I thought I was all Newport but clearly you're in a league of your own because (frowns) I'm...wow (laughs then sits up on the couch) Trey: maybe we should...watch that movie (Trey steps over the coffee table and flops down next to Marissa on the couch, they both laugh. Trey leans forward and picks up the remote then sits back and looks at Marissa. Marissa is looking down. Trey plays the movie then again looks at Marissa, she closes her eyes then watches the TV, she looks down then glances at Trey. Trey notices and looks at her again, Marissa smiles slightly then looks away and puts her hand on her neck. Trey again looks over at Marissa then he looks back at the TV) Marissa: you know maybe we should get some air first (looks at Trey) cause (swallows) I don't wanna fall asleep during the movie its-its really good Trey: uh (looks at Marissa then away) yeah, sure (looks at Marissa) ok (stands) lets do it (holds his hand out to Marissa and smiles) (Marissa looks at Trey and takes his hand, Trey helps her up off of the couch. they both laugh) Marissa: (a little out of it) ok yeah I uh I definitely need some air (opens the door) Trey: hey you know what, I will be right there (points) I jus need to grab my jacket Marissa: (moves her hand over her face, dazed) ok (Marissa goes out of the door and shuts it. Trey walks back in and starts heading to the far end of the room, then all of a sudden goes over to the couch. he throws a pillow aside and picks up a plastic bag that was hidden underneath it, he looks a little nervous and worried about being caught. he sits down on the couch, grabs his keys from the coffee table then puts his hand into the bag and looks at the door. he brings his hand out of the bag and up to his nose and sniffs back. while this is happening we can hear the screaming and cheering of the crowd in the next scene) CUT TO: Miami MVN Sprung Break - we see the crowd screaming and cheering then we hear/see Swerve on the stage with Pixie from earlier Swerve: (yells into the mic) this next contest, is dirty ya'll, it's off the chain an bananas oh bananas oh bananas oh bananas (crowd screams and cheers) come on Pixie: who likes whipped cream (crowd screams/cheers) Swerve: yeah Pixie: now lets see which of these four guys is truly - whipped (points) give it up you all Swerve: whoooo (there are 4 pink column type things on the stage, on top of each one is a can of whipped cream. the couples walk out and stand next to their cream. Seth and Mary Sue are the second couple and Seth does a small wave to the crowd) Swerve: bring em out...come on bring out the whipped cream, yeeeeeaaahhh (we see a guy spraying whipped cream over a girls bikini top. we then see another guy doing the same thing to Mary Sue. Seth is watching) Swerve: paint that body (everyone is still screaming) paint that body (in the crowd we see the guy from earlier still standing with Ryan, he's looking towards the stage and Ryan is looking worried - we see a nervous looking Mary Sue on stage, still being 'painted'. the guy is spraying the cream on her stomach now. Seth is still watching) Guy: (points) there she is (Ryan notices, and goes past the bible study buddies) Guy: its time to bring fire an brim stone down on her (points) an that skinny little sinner (we see Mary Sue still being covered in whipped cream. Seth is still watching. the guy is doing her back now, Seth nods. the guy finishes her back then puts the cherry in Mary Sue's mouth. Seth is looking at the crowd frowning) Swerve: whooo come on, winner gets five large, hot - chick - sundaes - go (puts his hand in the air) come on ya'll (we now see Seth and Mary Sue side on. he has his mouth completely on her stomach and he has whipped cream all over his face. this scene zooms out and we are then watching the contest through Zach's TV) CUT TO: Zach's kitchen - as I said the TV is showing the contest, and Summer and Zach are sitting at the table together completely oblivious Summer: (looks at Zach) oh my god, I love gnocchi (Zach smiles) it's like an Italian dumpling (shakes her head) what a concept Zach: (points) d'you want more, I made tons Summer: yeah, thanks (smiles) (Zach stands and takes Summers plate away to get her more gnocchi. Summer glances over at the TV) Summer: (frowns) oh eww, this is that event where you have'ta eat whipped cream off some girl, that is so disgusting what girl would agree to that, what guy would be pathetic enough ta humiliate himself on national television (raises eyebrows) (we see what Summer is seeing on the TV, which is Mary Sue still holding the cherry in her mouth, but the whipped cream is gone. on the left side of the screen is 'live' on the right is 'miami, fl' and down the bottom is a banner that reads 'SPRUNG BREAK' 05'. Seth pops up behind Mary Sue, his face is covered in whipped cream. he taps her on the shoulder urgently and she turns her head to face his. he prepares to take the cherry from her mouth as the crowd screams. Summer watches the screen then squints, taking a second look - we see the camera zoom in on Seth taking the cherry from Mary Sue's mouth. Seth puts his hand in the air triumphantly, and he has whipped cream on his forehead, the tip of his nose and all around his mouth. Mary Sue has a little on the corner of her mouth, from Seth. Summer frowns, disgusted just as Zach comes back in) Zach: I hope this is enough sauce um (Summer gets up from the table) I made a whole bunch so (Summer grabs Zach and kisses him urgently, Zach is thrown but happy) Zach: (smiles) I-I guess you liked the gnocchi (Summer doesn't say anything, she just puts her arms around Zach's neck and kisses him again) CUT TO: Miami - Swerve says something to the crowd but I can't understand what it is, sorry. Swerve goes over to Seth and Mary Sue. Pixie holds Seth's arm up in the air and he smiles, Swerve holds Mary Sues arm up in the air, on the other side. one of the other couples realise they lost and the guy stops licking the girl, disappointed. the crowd is still going wild. in the crowd we see Ryan pushing through, urgently Seth: (waves, with the cherry still in his mouth) hey Swerve (smiles) (Ryan urgently runs up onto the stage and over to Seth) Seth: (excited, mumbles) Ryan, we won Ryan: (touches Seth's arm) yeah now we gotta go (looks out at the crowd, worried) Seth: (eating the cherry) what Mary Sue: looks like my boyfriend (leaves the stage) Seth: (confused) your what (in the crowd a bouncer tries to stop the Guy and his bible study buddies from getting to the stage) Bouncer: whoa whoa contestants only (the guys push the bouncer out of the way and continues to the stage) Seth: (points) who are those guys Ryan: uh there-there in the same bible study class Seth: oh (points) well think we can convince em to turn the other cheek (the guys are now on the stage, heading towards Seth and Ryan) Guy: prepare to meet your maker (points) Seth: looks like not (Ryan is standing with his back to Seth, and all the bible study buddies surround them. Seth waves) CUT TO: The Nanas place - Sophie is sitting on the couch by herself, she looks upset. Sandy walks over, he looks helpless and lost Sandy: I'm sorry Ma (slowly sits next to Sophie) I was lookin out for you Sophie: (teary, looks at Sandy) I know...I guess part of me knew (raises eyebrows) I guess that's why I wanted you to come down here (sighs) I just...wanted to believe...I wasn't gonna be spending the rest of my life alone Sandy: I could extend my trip, spend some more time down here Sophie: (shakes her head) please sweetheart (touches Sandy's hand) you have someone you love back home (Sandy puts his hand on Sophie's) you should be with her (Sandy looks down) ...but it would be very nice if you visited your old mother a little more often Sandy: (smiles) alright (Sophie smiles) CUT TO: Cohen kitchen - Carter and Kirsten are both standing near the table with plates in their hands, they walk over to the counter Carter: I think that was the best meal I've ever had (puts his plate down) Kirsten: well I'm glad you liked it (smiles) ill...tell the chef Carter: well I thought I was telling the chef (looks at Kirsten) Kirsten: ok (looks at Carter) confession Carter: yeah Kirsten: I had the meal catered (smiles) I am the worlds worst cook Carter: (laughs) ah Kirsten: (laughs) mm-hmm yeah Carter: well ok but but...so you went to all this trouble, why blow your cover now Kirsten: (looks at Carter) well maybe it's the wi

Sandy, Seth and Ryan travel to South Beach to visit the Nana, who is living in Miami Beach, FL. While playing shuffleboard at the Nana's coastal-living retirement community, Seth and Ryan meet Mary-Sue, who helps Seth get center stage on "Music Video Nation's" Spring Break 2005 television show hosted by Swerve and Pixie, star of "Sherman Oaks: The Real Valley." T.I. performs his hit single "Bring Em Out" in the episode. Meanwhile, on the Pacific Coast, Carter packs his bags and leaves Kirsten alone at "Newport Living" and Trey misinterprets Marissa's friendship.

fd_Schitt_s_Creek_01x04

fd_Schitt_s_Creek_01x04_0

(Crows caw in the distance) TV infomercial: Oh, those unsightly rolls... Oh, that unattractive austere diet... Oh-ho-ho those stubborn thighs. Say goodbye to ugly fat! Say... Johnny: David? Can you come here please? (Slurping) TV infomercial: ...Exercise miracle you've ever seen! David, can you come in here please?! David: What? Well, come in here and I'll tell you. David: Well, why don't you just tell me from there? Johnny: David... David: You could've already told me. I want to speak face to face. Motels this size we're basically always face to face. In the same room. David: Why are you yelling? I'm right here. I want you to move your clothes. David: I did. Johnny: Out of my closet. You've got t-shirts on hangers. I've nowhere to hang my clothes. Well, put them over the t-shirts then. Johnny: (Sighs) Moira... Moira: Alexis! No, no, it's David I want. I need to speak with our daughter. Johnny: Good luck. (Loud) Oh my God! Where did you hear that?! (Fast approaching footsteps) Alexis: Yeah? What is it? Moira: I need you to fill this out please. Alexis: Fill what out? Your community service papers. As our only delinquent, I hope it's not asking too much. I still have to do that? Generally, that's how it works, honey. When you break the law, you've gotta serve your sentence. Well, it was one DUI. Please, before I lose my mind. (Sighs) (Pages flap) I don't get it. It's all done. No, there's still a little bit that needs to be filled in. Um... all that's missing is my middle name. Then fill it in please. Do I have to do that? Why must you be so constantly irksome? Do you not know my middle name? Of course I do. I blessed you with it. Okay, so um... then what name should I put down then? Alexis, do as your mother says, please. Do you know my middle? If I said, "Anna-" I can't believe this. Moira: Alexis... something rose. We have so many disasters bombarding us right now, my dear, the middle name of an ungrateful child is hardly a priority. David: Wait. Alexis has a middle name? Why is this the first time hearing of this? Do... do I have a middle name? Johnny: Now you come into the room. [SCENE_BREAK] Moira: Have we failed them, John? I'm worried about our children. Are we terrible parents? Terrible parents?! We sent them to the best boarding schools, we hired the best nannies... We did everything right. I mean, they're not overly affectionate with us and, uh, there's a lot more disrespect than I'd like, but, uh, no, we're good parents. But who are they? Well, it might be nice to get to know them better, I suppose. Wouldn't it, John? But who has time amidst all this chaos? Mm. I get it. (Birds chirp) So what's your deal? You're pretty. What's that like? Alexis: Um... it's good. Yeah, lots of doors open up for pretty people. Mm-hmm, clearly, as I register for community service. So what'd you do? Um... I drove into the Prada Store on Rodeo Drive. In fairness, it did look a lot like, um, the entrance to a parking garage. Uh-huh. And I was high at the time. Are you high right now? No, I'm not. Well, you might wanna be, 'cause this isn't exactly thrilling work. And you won't be gettin' any chit chat from your buddy. (Sighs) What buddy? Ronnie: You're not the only druggy in town, Hun? Mutt: Ronnie. Ronnie: Mm. (Loud clunk) Here's your garbage stick. You use it to pick up garbage. And here... Oh no, I'm fine. Thank you, that's very sweet. Ronnie: This isn't say yes to the dress, princess. Orange is the new orange. Alexis: 'Kay. David: Who needs 14 Grey suits? What am I supposed to do with my dry clean onlys?! Stevie: I'm still trying to figure out why you'd own more than one piece of clothing you can't put in a washing machine. You try putting a cashmere sweater in the washing machine. It'll bite your wrist. That's a problem I'd like to have. Are these all your clothes? Yeah. What's this, then? That's a sweater. It's one chromosome away from a crocheted blanket. What? It's... just your clothes, they're all kind of funky. Funky? Yeah. Funky. Yeah, no, no, no. I'm just trying to figure out... What about this... What about this is funky? I'm just having a hard time understanding. It's just, you know, like funky. Different. Yeah, funky is a neon t-shirt you buy at an airport gift shop, next to a bejeweled iPhone case. This... this... is luxury. There's a lot of stuff here. Have you ever considered selling some of this. These are my things. I've hand-selected each of these things; they mean a lot to me. How much do you think I can get for this? (Birds chirp) Alexis: So you got busted for selling drugs? Like hard drugs? Like... Did you wear a Hazmat suit and... work in a trailer? No. It was just weed and mushrooms, uppers. Mostly to truckers and my high school teachers. Mm-hmm. It's actually pretty clean around here, which is shocking considering the state of our motel room. Speaking of unfit homes, why do you live in a barn? What's wrong with living in a barn? Mm... nothing, if you're a goat. (Chuckles) Mutt: Well, it serves its purpose. It seems to... With the ladies. That's just a joke. I'm sorry for walking in on you and Twyla the other day. Mutt: No, it's cool. Alexis: So how long have you two been together- Mutt: So, listen, I gotta take off for a bit. I got this thing I gotta do. Can you cover for me? Alexis: Um... I mean... Mutt: Cool. Alexis: Yeah. Mutt: Thanks. Sorry. Excuse me! What am I supposed to keep doing here? I feel like we should break these into categories. Um... fit, fabric, and nationality. Stevie: Or we could do this. David: I... um... Stevie: Keep or sell? David: Well, those are- Stevie: Keep or sell. David: Uh... Stevie: Just keep or sell. David: Sell. Sell them. I got these at a showroom in Paris. Stevie: I got these on clearance rack at Target. David: $850. Stevie: 850 what? David: Eight hundred- Stevie: Dollars?! David: $850 dollars. Stevie: $850 dollars? These are a collector's. There's a woman in Paris that makes them by hand, so... My car's worth less than your pants. Well, I've seen your car and that makes sense to me. (Clears throat) Stevie: Okay then. Right. We'll try to get $850 dollars for your pants. Keep or sell? I don't know. (Bushes rustle, frustrated grunts and groans) (Cicadas drone, birds sing) (Gasps) Oh... [SCENE_BREAK] (Door clicks open) (Alexis grunts, running footsteps) (Truck door bangs shut) (Music plays quietly) You know, I think the reason our kids are so casual with us is because they think of us as their friends. Hmm, no. Johnny: No, it's obvious. It's obvious, Moira, right? Because we're hip parents. Moira: Oh, John... Johnny: And that comes at a price. John, we're not hip. I'm hipper than you but in our childrens' eyes we are the polar antonym of hip. Well, somehow we've lost touch with our kids. We've become complete strangers. Twyla: Hey! Have we decided? Just coffee, please. Johnny: Uh... Twyla, do you get along with your parents? Twyla: I did. It's a little different now. My mom has this thing where half the time she thinks I'm her cousin Angela. And it's getting harder and harder to coordinate visitation times with my dad in prison. I'm sorry I asked. Twyla: Oh, that's okay! I'll get you your coffees. (Diners murmur quietly, cutlery clanks) (Cars rumble by the motel) Johnny: Your mother and I have been talking and we've come to the realization that we've not been very good parents. Moira: Sadly, and most of the time, we have no interest in what's going on with you. Johnny: We have no idea what. 'Cause she means no idea. (Clears throat) We have lost touch as a family and if we're gonna get through this ordeal together, we have got to get reacquainted. Now, back at Rose Video, we had management retreats where we would play fun team-building exercises- David: You also had company-wide spa days. Why don't we try that? Johnny: And one of the ice breakers at these retreats was a game that was always a hit. And it was a game where somebody would tell a lie about themselves, and then a truth, and then another lie, and everybody would have to guess which one was the lie. No, Johnny, they had to guess which one was the truth. Mm... which one was the lie. David: It's just-it's just one lie. Johnny: What did I say? Alexis: You said two lies. Johnny: Well, it is two lies. Alexis: No, it's- David: No, the game is "two truths and a lie." Johnny: It's truth. David: That's the game. Johnny: So you've heard of it. You've heard of it. Alexis: Well, yeah, because babies play that at their birthday parties. Johnny: Okay, whatever. It's a good game. Okay? Now, here's how it goes. I'll give you an example. David: Why don't I start? Um, I'm miserable, drunk, and hate this game. So... here's a hint... Sadly, I'm not drunk. Okay, wrong attitude. That's the wrong-right off the top! Alexis: Okay, my turn, my turn, my turn. Um... okay. My eyes are brown, I am basically sample-sized, and one time I escaped from a Thai drug lord's car trunk by bribing him with s*x. Right idea, honey, but you know what? It's gotta be more challenging for everybody- Her eyes are aqua. Johnny: You did what? Alexis: (Laughs) I'm kidding! I clearly would never bribe anybody with s*x. Johnny: When were you in Thailand?! I told you that I was on spring break. Everyone can just calm down because Aroon was a lovely gentleman until he ran out of money. How many people do you know that are currently in the prison system? Is it like twelve...? Um, I'm pretty sure just two. Johnny: All right, that's enough. Good game. Good game, everybody! Alexis you're grounded. No! That was ten years ago, and everybody does dumb stuff in high school. Johnny: You were 17?! Did you know this? As if. I don't do girl talk. Alexis: Okay, everybody does dumb stuff everywhere. For example, I saw Mutt today - the guy that lives in the barn - making out... with the mayor's wife. Moira: What's-her-face?! Mm-hmm. And the homeless kid? Mm-hmm. Guys like that will bone anything. Well, not anything. Stop. 'Cause that would mean... Stop. Stop. That would include... Stop it. You. Which it doesn't. Don't. Ew. Johnny: You know, I remember when Alexis was just a chubby-faced little girl racing around the house in that banned babywalker, and now she's spending time... (Inhales deeply) In a drug lord's trunk?! Twyla: Oh, that is my favourite Liam Neeson movie. Moira: Johnny. Johnny, look who's come in. (Low hum of chatter) Is it true? Politician's neglected wife sleeps with a ranch hand. Moira: I love it. Johnny: He's not a ranch hand. He's a vagrant in a barn. Moira: Hi there! Jocelyn: (Surprised) Moira. Johnny: Jocelyn. Hi. Jocelyn: Johnny, hi. Moira: You look amazing. Utterly alive. I don't feel it. My lower back is completely shot. Moira: Oh, dear. Why would that be? (Blows out her breath) Age? Even the slightest twitch in bed throws it out. Moira: Perhaps a new position would help? Would like to join us? No, I ate already. Couldn't put another thing in my mouth. Johnny: (Chuckling) Well, that's... (Clears his throat) Moira: Okay. All right then. David: Oh my God. Stevie: They sell all kinds of stuff. Stevie: Hey, Wayne. Wayne: Hey, Stevie. Stevie: Um... so this is my friend David. David: David Rose. What are your consignment percentages? (Garbage bag rustles) Uh, this is a thrift shop. Okay. Do you have sales representative? Who will be pricing these items? Wayne: Uh... me. David: Okay. (Bag rustles) Is there a problem, Wayne? Wayne: It's just... I can't really use any of this. It's too, you know... Funky? Sure. Let's go with that. David: Okay, let's take your oily hands off my clothes. Stevie: You sure you can't take any of this stuff? Some of this stuff's pretty good. Wayne: Um... maybe we can use the sneakers. David: Maybe the sneakers? This is French suede, with a vulcanized-rubber instep, okay? You've lost my trust and my business, so... We'll be leaving now. Stevie: Sorry. David: What is this place? What is this place?! (Birds chirp, footsteps crunch) (Garbage pickers stab) Alexis: Ha! (Garbage falls off) Ugh! So... what happened to you yesterday? What happened to me? Yeah, I came back you were gone. Well, I had to do most of the shift by myself. So thank God I had my rape whistle. Sorry. I had some stuff I had to take care of. And did you get your stuff taken care of? Yeah, I guess. Alexis: 'Cause it... It seems to me like you get your stuff taken care of pretty regularly. By multiple people, if you know what I mean. Mutt: I don't. Alexis: Look, I know you probably think that you're this handsome man around town who's like... (Stabbing garbage) Handsome, mysterious... And handsome and homeless-y but you're better than that, you know? Mutt: What? Alexis: Like, I don't judge. Trust me. I have been... I have been in the middle of some very messy group scenarios and I know how weird it can be, so... Mutt: Are you okay? Alexis: Yeah. I'm just saying that your secret is safe with me. Wink. Let me just say, I get it. How much can one person take? Johnny: Well, may-maybe this is not our place, Moira. Moira: And where does all that pent up energy go? Jocelyn: I should go. Roland: Hey... Jocelyn: (Awkward) Hey. Roland: Where have you been? I've been looking for you all morning. Jocelyn: (Evasive) Around. Doing stuff. Roland: Well, I tried calling you. Jocelyn: I must have turned my phone off by mistake. Roland: Joce, did you see him again today? Jocelyn: See who? Roland: Oh, geez, you know I told you, you can see him as much as you want, just don't keep it a secret from me, okay? I wanna know everything you two are doing. Jocelyn: Look, half the time I'm there he doesn't even want me there. I just can't help myself. Roland: Well, you love him. Jocelyn: Yeah. Roland: I love him too, but the kid's an idiot. It's our son, Mutt. We're talking about our son. Roland: Yeah. Johnny: Oh! Roland: Our son. Moira: Oh! Roland: You done with that? Got it. Johnny: No, I wasn't. I wasn't uh... Yeah, he turned into a real nutbar. Doesn't drive in cars, he won't use anything plastic. (Chuckles) Good luck with birth control, right? Jocelyn: And then we see you with your kids and you're so... together. What's your secret? Moira: Listening is so very important. Johnny: So important to listen... To your kids. Jocelyn: See, Roland? Listening. Excuse me, I listen to the kid. If he'd listened to me, he wouldn't be sitting in a hut, making his own underwear. (Birds chirp) (Door opens) The Internet is a breeding ground for freaks. What're you doing? Well, I just "sold" a pair of sunglasses on here and now dieforfash87 is telling me she won't pay 'cause she thinks they're fake. Stevie: Okay. Um... How about we move away- David: No! I don't even wanna sell these things. These clothes are all that I have. Everything else has been taken from me. Well, you have your family... What's your point? I am having a very hard time right now dealing with the idea that people think that my things are worthless, David: Or funky, or... Stevie: Sorry. ...fake. Does it look like I shop on Canal Street? No... Okay. People here don't know anything, okay? Wayne huffs keyboard cleaner for a living. Well, that's not surprising. You're playing to the wrong crowd. You're-you have great clothes. I like some of this stuff. Like... like this. Like, I like this. Ooh! Ooh... I like this. (Thinking) This gives me an idea. So why would I sleep with my mother? Alexis: Well, now that I know that she's your mother, that makes a lot more sense to me. And you normally go around spying on people? Um, you left me here to be abducted by long haul truckers. I just went to find you. So why are you sneaking around with your mom anyway? What's the big... secret? It's my dad. We don't really get along. He really takes the whole mayor tradition in the family thing seriously and I'm just not that down into labels, you know? Alexis: "Labels?" Mutt: Yeah. And you wonder why I make fun of you. Oh, and you are totally in sync with your parents? Um... yeah, because they always wanted a daughter with a record, who dropped out of college, so... Pretty much delivered on that one. (Bags rustle) Ugh! Oh! (Running footsteps) (Door opens) Stevie: Okay, this is gonna cheer you up. David: (Panting) So I thought you might be lonely without your clothes. So if this isn't too dirty for you, I could help take care of your stuff. David: Wait, you wanna have s*x with me? Stevie: No. I don't think anybody has s*x in here unless they're being paid for it. I thought this might be a good place to store your clothes. Is this a safe place? Yes. I'm the only with a key. But there's a catch. I get to wear whatever I want, anytime I want. Fine. Wow! Our son's clothes are no longer in our closet. Something I said finally got through. David: I just found somewhere else to put them. Johnny: I can't hear you from in there. David: (Yelling loudly) I found somewhere else to put them! Well, subconsciously I got through. David? Alexis? Can you come here please? Woman on TV: Oh, I don't know. Maybe the text I got from her saying you left your ring in the sauna... David?! Alexis?! They're not going to come, dear. Johnny: Well, how widespread is that news? Woman on TV: I can hear the (Unclear) Deal sign. Talk about salacious! Man on TV: He had long day at work. I ran into Tanya on the street. He cut off his what?! Alexis: Wait, what? - Johnny: Okay. David: How did it happen? Johnny: Look, I just, uh... I just want to make sure that, uh, you know, we're all okay. What were we not okay about? Johnny: About your mother and me feeling disconnected from you two. David: We are literally connected by a door that does not lock. How much... how much more connected do you wanna be? Emma. Your middle name is "Emma." Alexis: Is it? Johnny: So, we'll keep working away at this. I'm sorry! No, Hannah. Alexis: I'm embarrassed for you. Well, that's that then. Elspeth. Alexis: No! David: Wow. I think it's Elspeth. Alexis: It isn't! I should know! Wow.

Worried that they have been bad parents, Johnny and Moira try to get to know David and Alexis better; teamed with Mutt while performing community service as a result of a drunk-driving conviction, Alexis comes to believe that Mutt is having an affair with Jocelyn; with David in need of space in the motel, Stevie helps him try to sell his clothes.

fd_One_Tree_Hill_01x07

fd_One_Tree_Hill_01x07_0

Lucas: (V.O.) Previously on "One Tree Hill..." Nathan: "Who would have known that Dan Scott's basketball pedigree would be inherited by his two sons, Nathan Scott and Lucas." Lucas: I can't stand being connected to Nathan or Dan. Whitey: This is all about you, Danny, until you acknowledge that Lucas is your son. Peyton: I finally saw you clearly for the first time last night, the way you treated me, the way you treated your brother. Nathan: Don't call him that. Peyton: I mean it. We're done. Haley: You still in denial? Nathan: About what? Haley: Missing her. Nathan: What, are you my tutor or my shrink? Lucas: You're just tutoring him? Haley: I am just tutoring him. Nathan? God! He got a good grade on a math quiz. It was nothing! Karen: Keith! Karen: I like who you are. And I do count on you. Keith: I love you. Lucas: Wow. You made me a mix? Peyton: Don't read too much into it. Brooke: I think Nathan likes Tutor Girl, but I think Tutor Girl likes Lucas. And I know I like Lucas, and I don't know who the hell you like anymore. OPENING CREDITS ROLL EXT. Tree Hill High School - Day Brooke and Peyton are walking down the stairs. Brooke: All I remember is you and me and Tutor Girl in my car, and then Lucas and Nathan, and then you said something about being into Lucas but it could have been Nathan, and I need to know. Peyton: Need? Brooke: Two of them, two of us, plenty of fine Scott boys to go around, and your courtesy hold on Lucas has expired. And you and Nathan were so... interesting together. Plus, we could still trade off once in a while... or twice. Win-win. They walk up to Lucas' table where he is listening to music and reading a book. He takes off his earphones and puts the book down when they walk up. Brooke: Hey, broody. Lucas: Hey, cheery. Peyton. Brooke: So, I'll see you at practice? Peyton: As always. Brooke: Yeah, you too. Brooke walks away and Peyton sits down. Peyton: So, what's the deal? Are we gonna hang out at this annual Scott money burn or what? Lucas: Yeah, right. Like I'm gonna spend the night with Nathan and Dan on my Friday off? I don't think so. I'd rather stay home with "The Great Gatsby." Peyton: You know, I read a book last night. Lucas: Really? Peyton: Yeah, it's about this girl and this guy, and they've got this really weird vibe thing going on, but there's all this drama, 'cause the girl's got this ex-boyfriend who turns out to be none other than the guy's brother. So the whole thing comes to this great, big climax and this big party at their evil dad's house. Lucas: Really? Hmm. What happens in the end? Peyton: You're just gonna have to show up to find out. Peyton walks away and Lucas [sighs]. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. Tutoring Center - Day Nathan and Haley are sitting at a table studying when Nathan gets frustrated. Nathan: Oh, this is so stupid. What-why do we have to study history anyway? Haley: So we're not doomed to repeat it. Nathan: [chuckles] What? Haley: [laughs] Look, don't lose hope, okay? Tomorrow's a teacher's work day so you've got a three-day weekend to study. Nathan: Minus my dad's annual kiss-his-@#%$ jamboree. Hey, I would invite you, Haley, but it's kind of a b-ball crowd. Haley: Oh, please, come on. Like I want to kiss your dad's @#%$ anyway. [laugh] Nathan: Yeah. Haley: I made you a study guide. And, everything you need to ace your history exam... (hands him the metal box) ...is right in this little box of tricks here-NoDoz, eye drops, number-two pencils. Nathan: Why don't you just text message me the answers. Haley: Oh! No. (stand up and put on side bag) So, um, just give me a call if you need anything, okay? Thanks for cutting Lucas some slack. Nathan: A deal's a deal, right? Haley: Right. (walks away) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. Karen's Caf - Day Karen pours some coffee into a mug while Keith reads the paper. Karen: Anything worth sharing? Keith: Hmm? Karen: In the paper? Keith: Oh. Um, the Tar Heels won. Deb walks into the caf . Karen: Oh, Deb. Deb: Hi, Karen. Keith: Hey. Deb: Um, I never heard from both of you about Dan's party tomorrow for the team sponsors. Keith: For some reason, when I think of Dan, I just don't think of the word party. Karen: Oh, I'm sorry, Deb. I have the invitation here. I was thinking about going, but after everything that happened last week- Deb: Yeah, th-that's what I was afraid of. Dan feels horrible about that... believe it or not. Keith: Not. Deb: [chuckles] And so do I. Anyway, it would mean a lot if you could both come. It starts at three, but, uh, stop by anytime. See you. Keith: See you, Deb. Thanks. Deb walks out of the caf and Keith turns back to Karen. Karen: You know what? I think Deb's right. We're not living in some 1950s movie. I am the single mother of a player on the team. I don't need to skulk around this town in a head scarf and dark glasses. Keith: Well, you're never going to get Lucas to go. Karen: Oh, even if you're going, too? Keith: Oh, not a chance. Besides, I don't want things to be any weirder than they need to be. Karen: Weirder? How? Keith: Well, you know, after dinner the other night, I said some pretty crazy things. Karen: [inhales] No, I don't remember anything crazy. Well, I'm gonna go. You let me know if you change your mind. Keith: Okay. Karen: (walking away) Mm-hmm. Keith: [chuckles] (drinks coffee) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. Science Classroom - Day The class is watching a slide-show on the overhead while taking notes. Peyton is in the front row, Nathan behind her and Brooke behind Nathan. Teacher: Okay, you guys, listen up. Now, you'll all want to pay close attention to this next batch of slides. We'll be discussing them following the slide show and, uh, I also have a feeling that this material may find its way onto your next quiz, so... Brooke: [whispering] How are you, Nate? Nathan: [whispering] Bored. Brooke: [whispering] And lonely, right? Just a smidge. Nathan: [whispering] Brooke, whatever drugs you're on, save them for the party, okay? Brooke: [whispering] Ah, "the party." Guess who's coming with me, and I'll tell you Peyton. Nathan: [whispering] Whatever. She's off my radar, and apparently, I'm off hers too. Brooke: [whispering] That was pot Peyton. She's totally back on track. And I think the new "old Peyton" would be open to discussing a reconciliation. Nathan: [whispering] Did she tell you that? Brooke: [whispering] She tells me everything. Nathan: [whispering]What are you up to, Brooke? Brooke: [whispering] What? I just want to see two people that are perfect for each other back together. Is that a crime? Nathan looks forward at Peyton, who turns around after looking at Nathan for a second. Brooke smiles. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. Locker Room - Day The team is in there getting changed for practice when Jake walks in and over to his locker. Jake: Sorry I'm late, coach. Whitey: Why should today be any different, Jagielski? Move your @#%$. The rest of you ladies start defense drills, pronto! (walk out) Nathan: Why is coach so easy on you, Jagielski? Tim: Baumgartner got wind sprints. Jake: We party together. Tim: Maybe they're lovers. Nathan: Why, did you two break up? Nathan, Tim and one other guy walk out to the gym. Lucas: So, anyway, man, what's the deal? What's going on? You know, you're out sick all the time, and you come in late and cut out early. I don't understand. Coach just lets you. Jake: (getting changed) Just helping me out. Lucas: Meaning? Jake: Meaning he's just helping me out. Lucas: All right. Lucas walks toward the door but first pats Jake on the back and continues to the gym. Jake leans against his locker and [sighs]. [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. Tree Hill High School Parking Lot - Day Peyton walks over to her car, puts her bag in and gets inside. She puts the key in the ignition and starts to back out, suddenly stopping just before crashing into Haley. Haley: Whoa! Walking here. Peyton: God! I'm-I'm sorry. Haley: [chuckle] Like you weren't aiming. Peyton: You're not on that list. Haley: [laugh] Peyton: You need a ride somewhere? Haley: Um... Peyton: Come on, get in. Haley: (walking to passenger side) I guess it's better to be in your car then under it. (gets inside) Peyton: So, I'm not really good at this. Haley: Yeah, obviously you're gonna want to put that in gear and give it a little gas. [laugh] Peyton: No, I meant-I mean the whole not-being-defensive thing. Haley: (confused) Okay. Peyton: Last week in Brooke's car, you said he cares about you, and I was trying really hard to be cool, and I didn't ask, um, whether you meant Nathan or Lucas. Haley: And now you're asking? Peyton: In a pathetic kind of way, yeah. Haley: I'm-I'm not gonna be much help. I-I guess I meant both of them. Lucky you. [chuckles] Peyton: Look, it's not like you need my permission or anything, but if you like Nathan, it's totally cool. Just be really careful. Haley: (at same time) Be careful. Yes, I know. You told me. Peyton: Okay. Haley: You be careful, too. Peyton: With which one? Haley: Driving. My mother likes it when I get home alive. Let's go. Peyton: [chuckle] Peyton backs the car out of her parking spot. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. Karen's Caf - Night Lucas walks in. Karen and Keith are at the counter. Lucas: Hey, mom. Hey, Keith. (sets tux jacket on counter) This doesn't fit anymore. I need a new jacket. Uh, I think I'm going to go to this thing tomorrow. Karen: What changed your mind? Keith looks over at Lucas with a knowing smile on his face. Lucas: Well, I don't know. I mean... Nothing really. Karen: Well, we'll, uh, go to Vietti's first thing. Get you a new jacket. Lucas: All right. Thanks, mom. See you, Keith. (walks out) Keith: See you, Luke. Karen: A girl? Keith: What else? Karen: Hmm. Well, I guess I'm gonna have to go to this thing then. Keith: You? I thought you already had your mind made up. Did you get cold feet? Karen: Like ice. Something about stepping directly into the Lion's Den. Keith: Oh... Okay, you talked me into it. (grabbing paper bag) Karen: Just promise me you won't punch him unless I ask you real nice. Keith [Sighing] Okay. Karen: Enjoy. Keith: Bye-bye. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. Peyton's Bedroom - Day Peyton puts on dark red lipstick as Brooke looks over at her. Brooke: Haven't you heard goth is the new geek? (toss Peyton a tube of gloss) Tonight's gonna be killer. You and Nathan, me and Lucas, an open bar. Peyton: (putting on gloss) There is no me and Nathan, or you and Lucas, for that matter. Brooke: (walking over to her) For now. You know, Nathan's loving the idea that you're coming tonight. Peyton: (handing back gloss) How do you know that? Brooke: 'Cause he told be he's still hot for you. He was actually very sweet about it. Peyton: Nathan Scott? Brooke: You know you two were meant to be together. (walks back over to mirror) Peyton: That's a scary thought. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. Lucas' Living Room - Day Lucas walks up to the mirror trying to straighten his tie. [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. Lucas' House - Day Haley runs up the steps and we hear [rhythmic tapping on the door]. Lucas opens the [squeaky] door. Lucas: Haley? Haley walks inside. Lucas: What are you doing here? [SCENE_BREAK] INT. Lucas' Living Room - Day Lucas closes the door. Haley: First, I am saving you from that tie. (taking off jacket) Second... [sighs] we need to talk. Lucas: Well, could we do both at the same time. Haley: Yeah. Haley turns around to look at the ties and eventually chooses a black one as Lucas takes off the other one. Haley is very uncomfortable. Haley: Uh, okay, you're not gonna like this. In fact... you're gonna hate this. (tying tie) But I feel that I should tell you in the interest of full friendship disclosure. Lucas: [chuckles] Yeah, right. What could be worse than you tutoring Nathan, huh? Haley looks up at him and [sighs]. Lucas realizes what she's talking about and stops smiling. Lucas: You like him. Haley: (pointing) Luke, do not freak out on me, okay? I can't help it any more then you can. Lucas: I don't like him! Haley: I'm talking about you and Peyton. We don't decide who we like. We just-it happens. Lucas: (angry) Do you know what you're getting yourself into? Haley: I-I'm not getting myself into anything. I am thinking about maybe getting into something that is never gonna happen anyway, so- Lucas: But what could you possibly like in the guy, huh? Haley: D-different stuff. We connect. Yes, he can be a total @#%$ sometimes-(walking to Lucas)-but I'm telling you, it's just a defense mechanism. He really opens up with me, Lucas. Lucas: You know how I feel about him. Haley: And I'm sorry for that. I am. Lucas: [sighs] But I get it, all right? I understand. Haley: [Sighing] Okay. Lucas: Just do me a favor, okay? Just- Haley: (taking off tie) Be careful? [Sighs] I wish everybody would stop saying that. [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. Nathan's House - Day [SCENE_BREAK] INT. Nathan's House - Day Dan is talking to the bartender. Dan: Three fingers of whiskey, just a whisper of sweet vermouth, a splash of bitters, a crush cherry- A perfect Manhattan. Laurie: Oh, so that's how you like it? Dan: Well, that's one way I like it. Laurie: [laughs] Deb: (walks up and grabs Dan's arm) Excuse us. Deb and Dan walk out of earshot from the girl. Deb: She's young enough to be your daughter, and in this town, she might just be. Dan: Ouch. Deb: Sorry, couldn't resist. I spoke with Karen yesterday. She might be coming with Lucas and Keith. Dan: They had to know the invitation was just a formality. Deb: (fixing his tie) Mm. Until I invited them in person. Dan: Deb, you know how important this party is for me. Deb: Oh, I thought this party was for the team. Dan: So you go behind my back and turn into my worst nightmare. Deb: Oh, no, Dan. Your worst nightmare is what'll happen if they show up and you do anything to make them feel uncomfortable in our home. Deb straightens out Dan's jacket and walks away. [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. Nathan's House - Day Lucas, Keith and Karen get out of their car and begin walking up the pathway to the front door. Lucas: Hey, guys, maybe we should have, like, a signal. You know, in case one of us wants to leave. Keith: Maybe we should just leave. Lucas: Oh, come on. That's no fun. How about "caw"! Karen: "Caw"? Lucas: Yeah. You know, like a raven. Caw! Karen: Caw! Lucas: [chuckles] That's the spirit. So, when one of us wants to leave, we just "caw." Karen: Caw! Keith: (hesitates) Caw! Lucas laughs and pats Keith on the back as the walk up the steps. Lucas: [Sighs] You ready, mom? Karen: Ready as I'll ever be. Lucas rings the doorbell and wait. Karen: You know, maybe the best plan is to just avoid him all night, and then that way... Dan opens up the door and smiles. Dan: Come on in. ACT II EXT. Nathan's Backyard - Day Dan stands on the porch giving a speech as the crowd quietly listens. Peyton and Lucas give each other small smiles. Dan: Spirit. The vital principle and animating force within every human being. Of course, for some of you, spirit simply means alcoholic beverages. [Laughter] Dan: But this Ravens basketball team has a surplus of spirit. It's an incredible team with an incredible group of young men. Except for their crushing defeat by the fathers this year, this team has been on a roll. [Laughter] Dan: Well... Brooke: (to Peyton) Oh, it is so on tonight. Dan: ...my lovely wife for setting up this party. Look at this, please. But Raven team spirit also includes the parents and the local businesses, whose financial support make this team great. Tonight's for you. Enjoy. Shari: And here's to our host, Dan Scott. Crowd: Here, here! Tim: (to Nathan) My parents are such suck-ups. So, what public humiliation you got planned for "Pukas" tonight? Nathan: [Sighs] Nothing, Tim. It's a little played out, don't you think? Tim: Since when? Over by the refreshment table, Dan walks up to Whitey. Whitey: You had a little sin of omission there in your speech, Danny boy. Dan: Didn't I mention the coaching staff? Whitey: If you did, I didn't hear it. Here... (hands him bowl) you're out of cashews. Whitey smiles and walks away as Dan shakes his head and puts the bowl down. Back up on the porch, Tim walks up behind Brooke and Peyton. Brooke: I'm gonna grab a drink at the bar before it fills up. You go talk to Nathan. See how he's been looking at you? (walks away) Tim: [laughs] (follows Brooke) Peyton looks over at Lucas and they give each other flirty smiles. Nathan [sighs] and backs off. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. Nathan's House - Day Brooke and Tim walk over to the bar. Tim: They're never gonna serve you. Brooke: Watch and learn. Bartenders love me. [clears throat] Laurie pops up and rolls her eyes at them. Laurie: Soda or juice? Brooke: Actually, I was gonna ask if you knew how to make a screaming orgasm. Laurie: [laughs] For a pretty girl like you, sure. Brooke: [laughs] (smiles) Laurie: (making the drink) So, what is this thing tonight? Brooke: Ravens basketball. Laurie: Oh. And what position do you play? Tim: [laughs] Brooke: Cheerleader. Laurie: Jocks and cheerleaders. Lots of hormones tonight. (hands Brooke the drink) Don't go around advertising. Brooke: Secret's safe with me. (walks away) Tim: (leans up on the counter) I'll have what she's having. Laurie: [laughs] Right. Soda or juice? Tim [sighs] and walks away as Laurie rolls her eyes. Karen and Keith walk up to the bar. Karen: You would think that after 20 years, your brother's ego would cease to amaze me. Keith: Try a lifetime. Karen: [chuckles] (to Laurie) Hi. I'll take a white wine, please. Keith: I'll have club soda. Whitey: Hey, Laurie, pour me a double shot of your best top-shelf bourbon, would you, please? Laurie: [Laughs] Whitey: Hello, Keith. Keith: Hey, Whitey. Whitey: Well, Karen Roe. Look at you. Karen: Coach Durham. Whitey: [chuckles] Most grown-ups call me Whitey. It's good to see you coming 'round again. Seeing you in my gym really turns back the clock. Karen: (smiling) For me, too. Whitey: Well, in my humble opinion, you have raised a fine son. You should be proud, and not just of the boy. (smiles and walks away) Karen: Thank you. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. Nathan's House - Day Lucas walks down the hallway and stops when he sees Peyton. They each give each other nods telling the other to come over there. Jake walks up behind Lucas and he turns around. Jake: You know, there are some states that could arrest you for what you're thinking about right now. Lucas: [laughs] How are you doing, Jake? They smack hands as Brooke walks up. Jake: I'm good. You do your thing, man. Lucas turns to go over to Peyton but Brooke stops him. Brooke: Hey, Jake, Lucas. Two handsome boys for the price of one. Lucas: Hey, Brooke. Listen, I was gonna- Brooke: Where are you going? I haven't had the chance to invite you to the real party. It's at my place, later. I'm only inviting the cool people, but I guess you can come. (turn to Jake) You too, Jake. Jake: Oh, thanks, Brooke, but I gotta cut out early tonight. Lucas: Oh, like that's a surprise. Jake: Obligations, man. I'll see you, Luke. Lucas: Take care, man. Jake: All right, Brooke. Just go easy, okay? (walks away) Brooke: (turning back to Lucas) Obligations? What is his deal? Lucas: Look, I don't know. Could you just excuse me? Brooke: Well, I was gonna say, my parents usually close this place down every year, so if you wanted, we could go back to my place and start the party early. We have a Jacuzzi. Lucas: That sounds tempting, Brooke- Brooke: We have a naked me in a Jacuzzi. Lucas: Okay. Um, what if I told you there was someone else? Brooke: Normally, I'd suggest a threesome, but I think the person you have in mind is getting back together with her old boyfriend. Lucas looks over at Peyton, who is now talking with Nathan. Nathan: So, uh, did you get my messages? Peyton: Yeah, I got all of them. Nathan: I don't blame you for not calling me back. Peyton: Are you being self-deprecating? Nathan: Probably... if I knew what that meant. Peyton: [laughs] Nathan: Do you want to, uh... Do you want to go somewhere and talk? Just-Just to talk, Peyton. Peyton looks over at Lucas and Brooke. Brooke is laughing and smiling. Peyton: (nods) Just to talk. Peyton and Nathan walk away and Lucas turns back to Brooke. Brooke: See what I mean? Lucas looks upset, and walks away. Brooke looks over at him and back over to where Nathan and Peyton were standing and smiles. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. Nathan's House - Day Peyton and Nathan walk past Shari. Karen comes out of the bathroom and Shari stops her to talk. Shari: Karen Roe... in Dan Scott's house... with Keith Scott as her date. [laughs] Karen: Nothing gets past you, Shari. Well, Keith and I are just friends. Shari: Oh, of course you are. Um, one Scott brother to the next-You practically need a scorecard around here to keep up with you people. Deb: (walking up) Karen, there you are. I need your expert opinion in the kitchen. Excuse us, Shari. Shari: Oh, yeah. Deb: (walking away with Karen) You're lucky she didn't knee you. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. Nathan's Bedroom - Day Nathan and Peyton walk in and Nathan leans up against his dresser while Peyton sits down on the bed. Nathan: So, I see you smiling at school a lot. That's good. Peyton: You've been looking? Nathan: Yeah, sometimes. Peyton smiles. Nathan: Anyway, uh... Look, I don't know if Brooke is just playing games or what. She said you were into us getting back together. Peyton: Funny. She told me the same thing. Nathan: [sighs] Right. Look, the thing is... Brooke and Tim walk into the room laughing, but stop when they see Nathan and Peyton. Brooke: [gasps] Oh. Sorry. We'll come back. Tim: But there's vodka in the drawer. Brooke: Tim, later. These two need some space. Peyton: You know what, Brooke? Give it up. Brooke: Trust me, I'm trying. Peyton: You know what I mean. Brooke: I'm just trying to help. Peyton: Help with what? Get me out of the way so you can go embarrass yourself in front of Lucas? Brooke: That's funny. I didn't realize you were in my way. Are you finally fessing up? Or, are you finally denying it? Peyton doesn't look like she knows what to say. She looks guiltily over at Nathan and walks out of the room. Nathan: What the hell is wrong with you, Brooke? Nathan follows Peyton out of the room, and so does Tim. Brooke: [scoffs] Brooke walks over to Nathan's drawer and opens it up. She pulls out a bottle of vodka and notices the metal box that Haley had given to Nathan. She pulls it out, puts down the vodka and opens the box. She pulls out a pink envelope and opens it. The card has a big "H" in the middle. Brooke opens the card and inside it says: Nathan "Believing you will do well is half the battle..." -Call me if you need anything at all! -Haley Brooke smiles at this, in disbelief. She looks over to the door and back at the card. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. Nathan's House - Day Dan takes a sip from his glass as Laurie walks away. Keith slowly walks up to the bar. Dan: Perfect. (sees Keith) Thought I'd find you near the bar. Keith: (holds up the drink) It's club soda. Dan: Well, that's a good thing considering. Keith: How 'bout we don't do this right now, huh? Dan: How about you meet me halfway. You say you're sorry, I say I'm sorry, we shake hands and go from there. It works for me. Keith: Well, you see, that's the problem, Dan. It always has to work for you. Dan: Okay. How 'bout we don't do this right now. Keith: You in the mood to apologize, Dan? Why don't you start with Karen or Lucas or maybe even Nathan, hmm? Dan: I'm gonna do you a solid, big brother. Just walk away. Dan walks away leaving Keith shaking his head. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. Nathan's Kitchen - Day Karen: This is a very nice kitchen. Deb: Oh, thanks. I'm afraid it's wasted on me. Where did you learn to cook? Karen: Oh, books, trial and error, a lot of burnt casseroles. And I get to experiment a lot at the caf . Deb: Oh, I'll have to eat there sometime. Don't worry, I'll come alone. Caterer: (walks up) Hi. There's been a mix-up. The baker seems to have delivered the cakes to a bar mitzvah in Charlotte. Karen: You know, I-I have a lot of desserts at the caf . I'd be happy to contribute. Deb: Oh no, I don't want to put you to that trouble. Karen: No, no. It's no trouble. I'll call Haley. Deb: Haley? Um... is she a tutor, by any chance? Karen: Yeah, she is. Why? Deb: Oh, no. It's a small world. She must be the girl who's helping Nathan. Karen: Oh. She must be. [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. Nathan's Backyard - Night A bunch of team members shoot some hoops as Lucas stands by and watches with a lipstick smudge on his cheek. Peyton walks up to him. Peyton: Haven't seen you much today. Lucas: Yeah, I know. Every time I get within about five feet of you- Peyton: Brooke happens. Lucas: Or Nathan. Peyton: Loose ends. Those are all tied up now. (notices smudge) Looks like she got you (trying to get off the smudge) [Laughing] right here. Brooke: (walks up) Listen up, everybody... it's time to play truth or dare. Or maybe just dare, 'cause (looking at Peyton) nobody really tells the truth anymore. (turning to Theresa) Let's see... Theresa, I dare you... to go pinch Whitey's @#%$. [Laughter] Theresa: Be right back. (walks away) Brooke: (smiles, and turns to Peyton) Let's see... Peyton? Peyton: Brooke, come on. Brooke: I dare you to show us how you really feel. Kiss Lucas. Peyton looks embarrassed, but after a nod from Brooke, she eventually turns around and kisses him. Brooke seems jealous as she looks over at Nathan, who is also hurt. Peyton finishes the kiss and walks away, embarrassed. Lucas turns to Peyton, then back to Brooke, who walks past Nathan. Nathan: Why are you being such a @#%$ tonight, Brooke? Brooke: (stopping, leaning on him) Well, I thought you liked that in a girl. Nathan: (getting up) You should put some ice on it. Nathan walks away and Brooke stands there, upset. ACT III EXT. Nathan's Backyard - Night Peyton walks past the tree swing, and paces uncomfortably as Lucas walks up. Lucas: So that was... Peyton: (facing him) Yeah. Lucas: What was that exactly? A game? Peyton: Kind of. (crosses arms) Not really. Want to play again? [laughs] The two smile, walk towards each other and prepare for a kiss... Haley: (O.S.) Sorry. Peyton turns around and Lucas looks up, both of them embarrassed. Haley stands there carrying some boxes of cake. Haley: Uh, sorry. I just-um... Your mom called with an SOS, so I just thought I'd sneak in the back and not bother anyone. [laughs] Lucas: You need some help? Haley: (uncomfortable) No. I-I'll, uh-You've got your hands full. [laughs] So, I'm just gonna-carry on. Peyton and Lucas turn back to each other and [laugh], embarrassed. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. Nathan's Kitchen - Night Haley is bringing in the boxes of cake. Haley: Everything you need... (sets down the cakes) [sighs] ...for a first class sugar coma. Deb: Oh, let's see. (opens a box) Oh, these cakes are gorgeous. Who makes them? Karen: (holds up hands) These guys. Deb: Thank you, Haley. The caterers can take it from here. Go join your friends. Have some food. Haley: No, that's okay. I-I have to get back, anyway. I'm-I'm still on the clock. Karen: Did you lock up when you left, turn off the coffee machine? Haley: Yeah. Karen: Well, then you're off the clock. Deb: Great, then it's settled. Uh, I'll get some waiters to serve these. (walks out of the room) Haley: She seems kind of cool. How are you holding up? Deb: Well, I haven't had to, uh-caw!-yet. Haley: [laughing] Okay, whatever that means. Karen: Haley? Haley: Hmm? Karen: Why didn't you tell me it was Nathan you were tutoring? Haley: Oh, uh... it just seemed kind of weird. Lucas wasn't really happy about it, so I just figured you wouldn't be too happy about it. I wasn't even sure if I was happy about it. Karen: And now? Haley: Um...now things are okay with Lucas and with me. Karen: And with me. Now go, have fun. It only comes around once. Haley: [sighing] Okay. (walks away) [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. Nathan's Backyard - Night Peyton and Lucas sit on the two-person swing, smiling at each other. Dan looks on from behind, confused. Peyton: [Laughs] Lucas: You know, I can't believe I'm gonna say this, but, um, I'm glad I came. Peyton: So, what do we do now? Lucas: [Sighs] I don't know. What happens next in the story you were telling me about? Peyton: (thinks for a moment) Come on. Peyton gets up and walks away, Lucas follows. Dan looks on. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. Nathan's House - Night Haley crosses her arms, searching for someone she knows. Nathan stops behind her and recognizes her. Nathan: Haley? Haley: (turning around) Hey! Um, I'm not crashing. I promise. Your mom just wanted some cakes. Nathan: Cakes? Haley: Yeah. It's a long story. She invited me to stay and I sort of had a brain freeze and said "sure"...and it's probably really weird. I'm actually gonna leave. Nathan: No, no, no. I'm glad you came. Haley: Really? Nathan: Yeah. I mean, I'd even study right now. It'd be a hell of a lot more fun than this suck-fest. Haley: [laughing] Sorry. I'm off-duty. Nathan: Well, then let me get you a drink. Haley: Okay. They begin to walk away but stop and turn around when they hear Brooke. Brooke: Tutor girl! Haley: It's Haley. Nathan: Brooke... Brooke: Haley, right. Nathan's own personal little care package. Everything's starting to make so much more sense now. You two are adorable. What was my favorite part? "Believing you'll do well is half the battle..." (to Nathan) You know, Tutor Girl's little love note you passed around earlier-the one that said, "Call me if you need anything..." (looks at Haley) "...at all." (smiles) Nathan: (stepping in front of Brooke) All right, Haley, I- Haley: Stay away from me. (walks away) Nathan: [sighs] (turns to Brooke) Games are getting old, Brooke. Brooke just shrugs and turns to talk to Theresa. Nathan looks at the closed door that Haley went through. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. Nathan's House - Night Karen is sitting on the couch when Deb comes up and joins her. Deb: Cover me. Sherry's proposing a couples cruise. Karen: [laughing] Oh no. Deb sits down. Karen: I have to confess something. I have been pretty judgmental about you. Deb: How could you not be? Karen: I really didn't want to like you. Deb: I'm hoping there's a "but" in there somewhere. Karen: There is. I was wrong. I'm glad I've had this chance to get to know you. Deb: Oh, that make's two of us. Dan sees Karen and Deb talking. Karen: There are so many questions. Deb: That makes two of us again. You start. Karen: When you first met Dan, did he, uh, tell you about me? Deb: He said he'd had a girlfriend in high school. Karen: Did you know I was pregnant? Deb: He conveniently left that out. I didn't find out about you until we were married and living in Tree Hill. Karen: Oh, I would've killed him. Deb: Oh, I almost did. Karen: So when did you, uh- Deb: We met at Freshman Orientation. Karen: That was about a month after I told him I was pregnant. Deb: A few months later, I was pregnant, too. Karen: You know Dan, always the overachiever. Dan walks away. Deb: Don't take this the wrong way, Karen. I'm glad I didn't know about you back then because if I did I wouldn't have Nathan. Karen: I know what you mean. I love my son, but sometimes I wonder how I could have been that reckless. Deb: We were kids. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. Deb and Dan's Bedroom - Night Lucas and Peyton come inside, kissing each other passionately. Peyton kisses his stomach as she takes off his shirt and tie. Peyton: Don't need this (jacket)...mm, or this. (tie) Lucas: I've wanted this for so long. Peyton: Me too. And now we can have it. Lucas: No, no, no. I don't mean just that. I want this. Lucas puts his hand over her heart. Lucas: You know? I want to be here. I want to have everything with you. I want it all. I want us, Peyton. Peyton backs away, leaving a confused Lucas. Lucas: Hey, what's wrong? Peyton: This isn't supposed to be that. Lucas: Peyton- Peyton: Why couldn't you just leave it alone? (walks out) ACT IV INT. Nathan's House - Night Peyton quickly walks past Dan, crying. He looks back at her for a second and continues on to his room. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. Deb and Dan's Bedroom - Night Lucas is putting on his shirt and picking up his jacket when Dan walks in. Lucas turns around, startled for a second. Dan: Interesting. You've always made me out to be the bad guy. Maybe you'll judge me a little different now. Lucas: Spare me a lecture. Dan: Just trying to give you the benefit of my experience. Lucas: In what-fathering a child... or abandoning one? Dan: [chuckles softly] Seems to me you're one mistake away from both. Lucas: Yeah, well, one's an accident. The other's a choice. (walking past Dan) Excuse me. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. Nathan's House - Night Lucas walks up to Karen, fully clothed now. She looks at him, sensing that something is wrong. Karen: Excuse me. (walks up to Lucas) Lucas: Hey. Karen: "Caw?" Lucas: Hey, listen, you guys can stay if you want. I think I'm gonna cut out. Karen: What happened? Lucas: Nothing. I'm just done is all. Karen: All right. Well, let me go grab my coat. Lucas: Hey, take your time. You guys go ahead. I'll-I'll be in the car, all right? Lucas walks away but Brooke tries to stop him. Brooke: Lucas... Lucas: Come on, Brooke. Not now. (walks away) Brooke: (turns around) Jake... Jake, Jake, Jake. Jake: Oh, Brooke, Brooke, Brooke. Brooke: (grabbing his tie) I'm drunk. You'll do. Jake: Oh, oh, hey, um, it's quite an honor, but I got to be somewhere. Brooke: Oh, right-the big mystery. Jake: (taking her hand off him) Yeah. Anyway, I should- Brooke: What's going on anyway? Lucas turns me down. You turn me down. Oh, my god! I got it! You're both gay. That totally explains it. Jake: Yeah, yeah, we are. We're actually-we're gay. [laughs] Whatever you say, Brooke. Brooke: Then what is it? Come on, you can tell me. I won't even remember tomorrow. Jake: You want to know? Brooke nods. Jake: (leans in) The truth would kill your buzz. (walks away) Brooke turns after him, confused. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. Nathan's House - Night Karen is holding onto her coat as she looks around an empty room. Dan walks in and stops at the door. Dan: Deb put this room together for me a few Christmas's ago. Karen: It's nice. Anyway, I just came to get my coat. Dan: Karen, why are you doing this? Karen: For Lucas. And for me. Dan: For you? What do you get out of it? Karen: I get to move on. And that's pretty liberating. Look around you, Dan. You have a wonderful life. Why are you spending it stuck in the past? (walks out) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. Karen's Caf - Night Lucas walks up to the door and prepares to unlock it, but it is open. He walks inside and closes the door, looking around. Lucas: Haley? Hey, Hales! Haley sits on the floor behind the counter, crying. She puts her hands over her face as Lucas sees her and kneels down next to her. Lucas: Is this floor taken? Haley: [whimpering] [inhales/exhales deeply] You know, just this once, I deserve a big, fat "I told you so." Lucas: Well, you won't get it from me. Haley: [laughs lightly] Lucas: What happened? Haley: Exactly what you told me was gonna happen. I started believing that he wasn't terrible, and he proved me wrong. Once again, the smart girl is really stupid. Lucas: (wiping her tears) Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. You are not stupid. Haley: Thanks. [swallows, sniffs] Well, at least things are, uh, working out for one of us. It looks like you and Peyton are headed in the right direction. Lucas: Well, if it'll make you feel better, that lasted all of about five minutes. Haley: [laughs] (leans forehead on Lucas') It doesn't make me feel any better. (pulls away) Well, welcome back. Lucas: To where? Haley: Normal. Lucas: Yeah. They can have their world. Come on. Let me help you close up. Haley: No, thanks. I'll do it. I just... I just want to be alone for a little while, okay? Lucas gives her the "are you sure?" face. Haley: I'll be fine. I'll be okay. (pushing his face) I'm okay. Lucas: All right. Lucas pats her lap and heads out the door. Haley puts her hands behind her head, crosses her arms and [sighs]. ACT V INT. Nathan's House - Night Dan and Deb show the last of the guests out the door. Peter: Great party, as always, Dan. Dan: Oh, thanks, Peter. Sherry: Deb, honey, you got to send me the number for the caterer. Those cakes were to die for. Deb: Oh, it's in the book under "Karen's Caf ." Sherry: Really? Well, who knew? Deb: Good night. Peter: Bye-bye. Peter and Sherry head out the door and Deb closes it and turns to face Dan. Deb: So, was it all you wanted it to be? 'Cause, I think it's the first year I've actually enjoyed myself. Might have even made a new friend. Dan: (faces Deb) I noticed. Deb: (walking to him) Thank you for being on your best behavior. You really stepped up. (kisses him) Dan: Did I? 'Cause I can't ever remember feeling more off-balance. (walks away) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. Nathan's Bedroom - Night Nathan walks in and up to his dresser. He notices the note from Haley, reads it quickly and [sighs]. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. Karen's Caf - Night Haley is wiping off the counter when Nathan walks up to the clear glass door and knocks. Nathan: Hey. Haley turns around and walks up to the door, arms crossed with an angry expression on her face. Nathan: Can I come in? Haley thinks for a second and flips off the light switch. Nathan: Haley, I didn't know. Haley walks to the back of the caf . Nathan: Come on. Please, you got to believe me. [sighs] [SCENE_BREAK] INT. Jake's Bedroom - Night Jake is sitting on his bed playing guitar and singing to a baby lying in a cradle. The baby starts to cry and Jake puts down his guitar and cuddles the small child. Jake: Sweet dreams, baby. Daddy loves you, all right? [SCENE_BREAK] INT. Nathan's Bedroom - Night Nathan walks in the room and notices something on the floor. He kneels down and [sighs]. We pan up from the feet to the head and recognize Brooke, sound asleep. [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. Nathan's Backyard - Night Dan paces on the porch and stops when he sees Deb inside the house. He is expressionless as he takes a sip of his drink. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. Peyton's Bedroom - Night Peyton is busy drawing a sketch. There is a close-up of a computer screen with her webcam opened up on it. The sketch is of her and Lucas when he says, " I've wanted this for so long." In the left-hand section of the drawing it says AND NOW WE CAN HAVE IT. Peyton works on the last letter and it becomes AND NOW WE CAN'T HAVE IT. Peyton finishes the drawing and looks up at the computer screen. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. Lucas' Bedroom - Night Lucas sits at his computer desk, watching Peyton on her webcam. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. Peyton's Bedroom - Night Peyton stands up and unzips her sweater. She takes it off. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. Lucas' Bedroom - Night In a close-up of the computer screen, Peyton throws the sweater at her webcam, blacking it out. Lucas stares at the screen.

The night of Dan and Deb's annual basketball appreciation party stirs up old wounds and new feelings. As Karen makes a new friend, Keith faces off with Dan once again and Lucas finally makes his move on Peyton. Meanwhile, Haley and Nathan grow closer until Brooke spreads a vicious rumor that leaves Haley devastated. This episode is named after a song by Radiohead .

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[Scene: Central Perk] Joey: (entering) Hey! I'm all packed and ready to go! Ross: Oh, that's right! (to Emma) Daddy and uncle Joey are going on a trip today. We're going to a conference in Barbados, right? Joey: Mmh-mmh. Ross: (to Emma) Can you say Barbados? Joey: Barbados! Ross: Ok, I gotta say. I mean, it means so much to me that you guys are coming all the way over there to hear me do my speech! UH! And I've a surprise, uh... I had to pull some strings but I was able to get everyone passes to the entire conference! That's right! (he gives them their passes) This babies will get you into all the paleontology lectures and seminars. Rachel: Do you have anything that would... get us out of them? Chandler: Yeah Ross, I mean... we're excited to hear the speech but the rest of the time we're gonna wanna do, you know, "island's stuff". Phoebe: I think David would probably wanna hear a few lectures. Ross: Oh, right, because he's a scientist! Phoebe: No, no, because, you know, he's been in Minsk for 8 years and if he gets too much direct sunlight, he'll die. Ross: Ok, we gotta go, yeah? So, we'll see you guys tomorrow. Joey: All right, let's do it! 5 hour flight with Charlie, have a couple of drinks, get under that blanket and do what comes naturally. Ross: It's a blanket Joe, not a cloak of invisibility! Opening credits [Scene: Paradise Hotel lounge in Barbados] Charlie: Wow! This place is beautiful! Ross: (very excited) Look at all these paleontologists!! Joey: I know, there are gonna be some pasty folks by the pool tomorrow! (A woman goes towards them) Woman: Oh my God, I can't believe you're here! Joey: (to Charlie) I think I've been recognized, this happens all the time! Woman: Doctor Geller, I'm such a huge fan! Joey: That... never happens... Woman: I've been following your career for years, I-I can't wait for your keynote speech. Ross: Wow! This is very flattering, uh... Woman: I would love your autograph. (hands him a notepad) Ross: Uh, uh... Sure! Um... "Dear..." (he takes the notepad) Woman: Sarah. Ross: "... Sarah. I dig you", Uh? "Doctor Ross Geller". Sarah: Thank you so much! Ross: Yeah, oh and Sarah... I'd like to introduce you to my colleague, uh, Professor Wheeler, a-and this is Joey Tribbiani. Sarah: (to Joey) Are you a paleontologist? Joey: No, God, no! No! No no, I'm an actor. You'd probably recognize me from a little show called "The Days of Our Lives". Ross: Dude, it's just "Days of Our Lives"... there's no the. Joey: (thinking he's kidding) Ok, Ross! It's... It's fun, yeah! No, I-I play Doctor Drake Ramoray. Sarah: I'm sorry, I don't own a TV. Joey: You don't own a TV? What's all your furniture pointed at?? [Scene: Central Perk] Monica: David, can you help me?! I'm trying to explain to Chandler how a plane stays in the air. David: Oh, certainly. That's a combination of Bernoulli's principle and Newton's third law of motion. Monica: (to Chandler) See? Chandler: Yeah, that's the same as "it has something to do with wind". Monica: Alright, I'm gonna go pick up a few things for the trip. Phoebe: Oh, I should go, too. Oh, now... tomorrow do you guys wanna share a cab to the airport or should Mike and I just meet you there. (Everyone looks at her) Phoebe: Mike?? Who's Mike? David: Mike is your ex... uh... boyfriend! Phoebe: That's right! Oh, yeah... Well, I've totally forgotten about im! AH! That's-That's... a blast from the past! David: It's ok. Ho-honest mistake. Phoebe: Really, it doesn't mean anything. I mean, you know, Monica refers to Chandler as Richard all the time! Chandler: (upset) She does? Monica: (pinching her) Let's get you out of here!! (they go outside) (Outside the Central Perk) Monica: At least you took me down with you! Phoebe: I'm sooo sorry!! I just... I keep thinking about Mike! I'm crazy about David, and we're having so much fun together. Why-Why do I miss Mike? That's-that's gonna go away, right? Monica: I guess, in time. Phoebe: Yeah. Monica: I mean, my feelings for Richard are certainly gone. Phoebe: You just did it again. Chandler, your feelings for Chandler are certainly gone! [Scene: Inside Central Perk] David: (to Chandler) Well, Phoebe's still pretty hung up on that Mike, uh? Chandler: I wouldn't read too much into it. David: Still you know, a girl calls you by your ex-boyfriend's name, that-that's not a good thing, right? Chandler: David, let me stop you there 'cause I think I see where this is going. I'm not very good at giving advice. So if you want advice, go to Ross, Monica, or... Joey, if the thing you wanna advice about is pizza toppings or burning sensation when you pee. David: Sorry, I just... I wish there was something I could do, you know? Well, you know Phoebe... Chandler: Seriously, we're gonna do this? David: I'm sorry, uh... I just wish I could make her forget about Mike already, you know... Why did Phoebe and Mike break up? Chandler: Oh, because his pen1s was too big. (he notices that David is not amused) Oh, I'm sorry, that's the kind of thing I do. (pause) They broke up because Mike didn't want to get married. Hey, what if you just let Phoebe know you'd be open to marriage? David: That's great! That's great! I-I'll propose to her! Chandler: What? David: Well, I was probably going to do it at some point. Chandler: I didn't mean now... David: Why not? It's brilliant! (talking to an imaginary Mike) Goodbye Mike, we'll see you at the wedding, fella! (pause) well, we probably won't invite you to the wedding... (to Chandler) Thank you, Chandler. Sincerely. Chandler: Well, you're welcome! Glad I could help. David: (after a while) How do you think I should propose? Chandler: David, I'm pretending to read here!! [Scene: Joey in his hotel in room in Barbados] (Trying on a hat and talking to his own reflection in the mirror) Joey: Yeah! How you doin'? Yeah alright! (Charlie comes out the bathroom) Joey: Hey, hey! You said you're gonna wear a thong, where's the thong? Charlie: (laughing) I didn't mean a thong... I meant thongs... Joey: You really should have been more clear about that! (Someone knocks the door, Joey goes to open it and Ross is on the other side) Ross: Hey! Joey: Hey! Ross: (Excited) You're never going to guess who I just saw downstairs! Joey: Oh! ah! eh... Britney Spears!? Ross: Yeah, she never misses these conferences! (then to Charlie) No, I just saw Dr. Kenneth Schwartz! Charlie: Oh my God! Did you talk to him? Ross: Yeah... what am I going to say to Kenneth Schwartz? Joey: You could say: "Hey Kenny, how come you're not Britney Spears?" (looks at Ross matter-of-factly) Ross: (to Charlie) Ready to go? Charlie: Yeah! Joey: Wha...? You're gonna go now? I thought we could hang out? Charlie: Oh I can't... I have seminars all day and I promised Ross I would look at his speech. Ross: Yeah. Charlie: But maybe we can have dinner later? On the balcony? Will be romantic. Joey: (smiling) Will you wear a thong? Charlie: I will if you will. Joey: Oh... you got yourself a very weird deal! Ross: (a little embarassed by their conversation) I'm good, I have dinner plans (moves away from them). Charlie: So you'll be ok? Joey: Yeah, yeah. I've got tons of stuff I could do. I'm gonna hit the beach, go swimming... Ross: Uh, Joe, have you looked outside? Joey: No, why? (Ross goes to the window and opens the curtains revealing that it's raining outside) Joey: Oh man! Charlie: There's an indoor pool, you can swim there! (Ross agrees) Joey: I wasn't gonna swim, I was gonna dig a hole! (removes a small plastic spade used by children to play on the beach from his backpack) [Scene: Back in New York, Monica and Chandler in Central Perk on the couch] Monica: Wow! That Mike thing was interesting! I don't know what's gonna happen with Phoebe and David. Chandler: (smiling cheekily) I do! Want a hint? huh? "I do" (Monica looks confused, so Chandler repeats) "I do". Monica: Ok, I'm sensing that this is some kind of word play, because you are pink with barely controlled glee. Chandler: David is going to propose to Phoebe. Monica: What? (looks very shocked) Why? Chandler: Be-cause, we were talking about ways that he could beat Mike and I told him that Phoebe wanted to get married. Monica: Chandler, we have talked about this. You are not supposed to give people advice! Now couldn't you just have made some sort of inappropriate joke? Chandler: I did! A pen1s one! Look, just so I know, what was so wrong about what I said? Monica: They've only been going out for a few weeks and Phoebe is completely hung up on Mike! She'll say "No", David's heart will be broken, it will be too hard for them to recover from and then Phoebe will end up alone again. Chandler: Man, that's some bad advice! [Scene: Barbados, hotel lounge. David, Phoebe and Rachel have just arrived.] (Joey spots them and walks towards them) Joey: Oh! Hey! Thank God you guys are here! Rachel: Hey! Hey what's going on? Joey: Everything is upside down here! It rains all day long, nobody watches tv and Ross is famous! (Rachel turns around and sees Chandler and Monica arriving) Rachel: Alright, I don't wanna alarm anybody, but Monica's hair is twice as big as it was when we landed! (Monica and Chandler reach the group) Monica: Ok! When I go places with high humidity, it gets a little extra body, ok?! Chandler: That's why our honeymoon photos look like me and Diana Ross! Joey: Come on, I'll show you guys where to check in (Joey, Chandler and David leave) Monica: (to Chandler) Oh, honey, can you make sure we get a King size bed! Phoebe: (shouts after David) Oh! David, get one for us too! Oh, oh, and see if they have a heart-shaped one! And with mirrors on the ceiling! Monica: (shouts to Chandler) And make sure our room isn't next to theirs (points to Phoebe). Rachel: Ooh! You guys are so lucky you are here with people, you known it's such a romantic place. That's all, I just wish I could (looks at Joey who is at the check in desk) share that with a guy. Phoebe: Not Joey. Rachel: Not Joey, no, I was just lusting after Chandler. Monica: Yeah, right! [Cut to the guys] David: So, um... I'm proposing to Phoebe tonight. (Removes a ring box from his pocket and opens it to show Chandler the ring) Chandler: Tonight?! (looks at the ring) Isn't an engagement ring supposed to have a diamond? (squints at the ring to emphasize how tiny the diamond is) Oh, there it is! David: Yeah, well, being a failed scientist doesn't pay quite as well as you might think. That's um... one seventieth of a karat. And the clarity is um... is quite poor. Chandler: (slaps him on the shoulder) Nice! (goes to Monica) Chandler: Monica, can I talk to you for a sec? (Pulls her away from Phoebe and Rachel) Monica: Ok! Chandler: David is going to propose to Phoebe tonight! Monica: See what happens when you give people advice? I hope you told him not to? Chandler: That would be advice!! Monica: Ok fine. I'll handle this. (goes to Phoebe who's talking to Rachel) Phoebe? Phoebe: Yeah? Monica: (looking very serious) I need to talk to you. Phoebe: Are you leaving "The Supremes"? (Monica and Phoebe go to one side) MOnica: Ok, my husband just gave your boyfriend some very bad advice. Look, David is going to propose to you tonight. Phoebe: Wow? Really? That's fantastic! Monica: What are you serious? You wanna marry him? Wha... What about Mike? Phoebe: Oh, ok, you want me to marry Mike? Alright, well, let's just gag him and handcuff him and force him down the aisle. I can just see it: "Mike, do you take Phoebe..." (gestures with her hand as if someone is covering her mouth and tries to shout "No! No!") You know, it's every girl's dream! Monica: Do you really think marrying someone else is the right answer? Phoebe: Sure! Look, ok, bottom line: I love Mike... David! David. I love David. Don't look at me that way, Roseanne Rosannadanna! [Scene: Ross's hotel room. Ross and is reading his keynote speech to Charlie from his laptop] Ross: By using CT scans and computer imaging we can in a very real way, bring the Mesozoic era into the 21st century. Charlie: It's great. You're gonna be the hit of the conference. Ross: Oh and you know what, it will be even better tomorrow, because I won't be constantly interrupted by Joey checking to see if they put chocolates on my pillow yet. (Someone knocks on the door, Ross goes to open and it's Joey, Rachel and Chandler). Joey: Hey guys! Ross: The chocolates aren't here yet. Joey: Damnit! Charlie: Ross just read me his speech. It's fantastic! Chandler: Oh, is it on the computer, cuz I'd love to give it a read...? Ross: If you want to check your email, just ask! (Chandler tries to look offended) Chandler: (offended) What? (pause) May I? Rachel: (looking out the window) What's with the rain, Geller? I mean, when I signed up for Dino Week, nobody said anything about it being monsoon season. Charlie: Actually the wet season is June to December. Rachel: It's not the time Charlie. Chandler: (at the laptop) Oh, no, no, no dear God, no! Joey: Oh what, did someone outbid you for the teapot? (Chandler looks annoyed at him and Joey leans in to him) Oh! Secret teapot? Chandler: Your computer, I don't know wha... everything's gone! Ross: Wha... what do you mean? (Goes to the laptop) Chandler: It must be a virus. I think it erased your hard drive. Ross: What, oh my God. What did you do? Chandler: Someone I don't know sent me an e-mail and I opened it. Ross: Why, why would you open it? Chandler: Well, it didn't say "This is a virus"!! Ross: What did it say? Chandler: Nude... (Ross looks at him)... pictures of Anna Kournikova. I'm so sorry. Ross: What... what am I gonna do? My speech is gone, Chandler! Chandler: It's not gone! I mean, I'm sure you printed out a copy. You have a hard copy, right? Ross: NO! I don't!! Chandler: Well, you must be pretty mad at yourself right now...! [Time lapse: Ross looks likes he's been trying to fix his computer but just closes it as if giving up] Joey: It's really gone? Ross: Yep! I'd like to thank you guys for coming down here to complain about the rain and ruin my career! Chandler: I just feel awful. Ross: Yeah, well you should! I mean, nude pictures of Anna Kournikova? I mean, she's never even won a major tournament! Chandler: Well, I tried Billy Jean King, but... (Ross glares at him) you know, you and Monica have the same "I'm gonna kill you" look...? I can usually make it go away by kissing her... (Ross continues to glare at him and Chandler leans in as if he's going to kiss Ross) Ross: Get out! (Chandler runs out) Rachel: You know, this happens all the time to my computer at work. Ross: Well, what do you do? Rachel: Well, I usually go... play Tetris on somebody else's computer. Ross: I can't believe this. I can't believe this is happening. I have to give the keynote speech tomorrow! Ok? I have to stand up in front of all these people. What am I gonna say? Joey: I could teach you a speech that I memorized for auditions. Ross: I don't think that your monologue from Star Wars is gonna help me right now, Joe! Charlie: Ross, we can solve this. I just heard your speech. We can recreate it! We've got all night! Ross: Wha... what you really think we can do that? Charlie: Oh wait, Joey and I are supposed to have dinner (Looks at Joey). Joey: Hey don't worry about that! I mean, Ross needs you! And Rachel and I will stay and help anyway we can. Rachel: Ugh. Ross: Alright, ok, let's do it. (Ross sits down at the desk and they all gather around him) Um, I know we start by discussing the shortcomings of carbon dating... um, and then, then I move on to what is clearly the defining moment of the Mesozoic era, the breakup of Pangea, hello! (Rachel and Joey look confused) And then, there's the... eh... there's the overview of the Triassic. Joey: Oh, oh! Any chance any of this happened in a "Galaxy far, far away"? (Ross turns aroud and glares at him. Joey and Rachel decide to leave). [Scene: Mike's apartment. His phone rings and he picks up] Mike: Hello? Monica: Ok, Mike, enough is enough, now you love Phoebe and she loves you, so you need to get over your whole "I never want to get married" thing and step up! Mike: Who is this? Monica: This is Monica! I'm Phoebe's friend. Listen, Phoebe is back with David and he's going to propose to her, and she is going to say "yes" but I know she really wants to be with you! Mike: (sounds shocked and sits down) He... he's gonna propose? Monica: I... I'm sorry, did you say something? I can't hear through all this damned hair! (Tries to move her huge hair away from the phone, in vain) Mike: Look, if Phoebe wants to marry David, she should, I'm not gonna stand in the way of that and neither should you. Monica: You don't tell me what to do! I tell you what to do! Just call her. She's at the Paradise Hotel in Barbados. And while I've got you, you've got curly hair. What do you do in humidity? (Mike hangs up the phone) Damnit! (Chandler walks in) Monica: (sarcastically) Well, I hope you're happy! Chandler: (pretending not to sense the tone) Oooh! I hope you're happy too, honey! Monica: Phoebe is going to say "Yes" to David. See, that's what happens when you meddle in people's lives! Chandler: Phoebe is going to say "yes"? That's, that's great! Monica: No it's not, b'cause she's still in love with Mike! Chandler: And there's not chance that will work? Monica: No, I called him. It's not gonna happen. Chandler: (pointing at her) Oooooooh! Meddler! Meddler! Monica: Well, if you hadn't meddled to start with, I wouldn't have had to go in there and meddle myself. Now, no matter how much we meddle, we will never be able to un-meddle the thing that you meddled up - in the first place! Chandler: This vacation sucks!! [Scene: The hall, full of paleontologists. Rachel and Joey are walking around] Joey: I'm so bored! Stupid rain, we... we can't do anything. Rachel: Well, I've brought some books. We could read. Joey: Hey, it hasn't come to that yet. (A waiter walks by carrying appetizers or something on a tray) Joey: (stopping the waiter) Hey hey hey! Don't mind if I do! Waiter: I'm sorry sir, these are for the pharmaceutical convention (walks away) Joey: Hey Rach, do you feel like going to a convention? Rachel: We can't. We're not pharmacists! Joey: (walking to a table with many badges on it) I know we're not, but (he picks up a badge) Frank Medeio and... (picks up another badge) Eva Trorro... womba... Rachel: (picking up another random badge) Kate Miller? Joey: Kate Miller it is. (he picks up the Kate Miller badge and sticks it on Rachel's breast) Rachel: And... that's the most s*x I'm gonna have this weekend. Joey: In that case should I make sure it's on real good? (he does so, repeatedly tapping on her breast and stroking it) Rachel: Thank you. (they walk away) [Scene: Ross's room. Charlie is sitting on the bed, while Ross is walking up and down nervously] Charlie: And then, and then you said that thing about, about bringing the Mesozoic era in the 21st century. Ross: Yeah, that's it? Charlie: Yeah. Ross: Oh my God, we did it! (he sits beside her and skims through her notes excitedly) Charlie: Actually I did it Ross. You remembered shockingly little of your own speech. Ross: Yes, but I did make a pyramid out of the bath products. This is amazing, thank you, thank you so much. (he leans in, and they look at each other for a moment) That's a pretty necklace. Charlie: Thank you. Ross: Hey, what do you say we celebrate? Champagne? (he goes to get the champagne) Charlie: Oh yeah! Hey, save the cork and then we can fill the bottle with water and put it back so they don't charge you. Ross: Oh my God, I love you. Charlie: Oh, this is such a cute picture of Emma. And is this your son... or just some kid whose picture you bring on vacation? Ross: That's Ben, my son from my first marriage. Charlie: Your first marriage? Ross: Yeah. Charlie: You're married more than once? Ross: No. (they clink glasses and drink) Charlie: So, why did you break up? Ross: (embarassed) Oh, it was... it's complicated, you know? She... she was... eh... gay. Charlie: Oh my God, this is so cool! Ross: Ok, odd thing to get excited about! Charlie: No, it's just... I was enganged to a guy who turned out to be gay! Ross: Hey! High-five! (they high-five) Charlie: Didn't you feel so stupid that you didn't see the signs? My fianc was always going away on these long weekends with his tennis partner. Ross: My wife had a workout friend she went to the gym with everyday for a year. She didn't get any fitter. Charlie: Right and then everybody finds out and they're like: "Oh, I knew all along" Ross: I know! It's like, if you knew, why didn't you tell me, you know? I mean, call, or leave a note: "Hi, I just dropped by to say your wife's gay" Charlie: I know! Ross: And then, you try to make the best of a bad situation, so you float the idea of a threesome? Charlie: I didn't do that. Ross: (embarassed) Me neither. [Scene: the Pharmacist convention. Joey and Rachel are walking out of it, drinking cocktails] Joey: Well, who knew? Pharmacists are fun. Rachel: I know, that old lady at the end was ready to take you home. Joey: Not enough pills in the world, Rach. What about you, you're the single one, seen anybody in there you like? Rachel: Well, let's see. There was a really big guy that I was talking to, with the really nice breasts... Joey: But what about back home, anything going on there? Anybody you like? Rachel: (takes a sip from her drink, embarassed) No. Joey: There it is, you're blushing! Rachel: No, I'm not blushing, I'm sunburnt! From, you know, the rain. Joey: You like someone. Tell me who it is. Who is it? (tickles her a little) Rachel: No. Joey: Tell me who it is. Rachel: Joey! (she walks away; Joey goes after her teasing and tickling her) Joey: Come on who? Who do you like? Tell me. You're not getting away that easy. Who do you like, who? Rachel: Joey, come on! It doesn't matter, you know, it's not like anything's gonna happen. Joey: What? Why not? Rach, who can you not get? Rachel: Oh! (pause) Ok. Ok, you really wanna know who it is? Joey: (eagerly) Yeah, who is that? Rachel: Do ya? Joey: Yeah. (Ross and Charlie walk into the hall from Ross's room) Ross and Charlie: Hey! (Joey smiles at them. Rachel looks annoyed) Charlie: (to Joey) I just left you a message! Ross and I were gonna go grab a bite, but now that you're here, maybe we can go have that dinner. Joey: Right, of course. Hey, did you guys finish the speech? Ross: Yep, we got it, we got it. (To Charlie) Thank you so much. Charlie: I had a great time. Joey: Alright, hey look, and this isn't over, because I really wanna know who... Rachel: Later! La... Charlie: So, shall we? Joey: Yeah. (they leave) Rachel: Ok. See you, bye. Charlie: Bye. Ross: Good night. Joey: Night. (Ross and Rachel watch them walk away and sigh. They look at each other, embarassed.) Ross and Rachel: Ok, good night! [Scene: The restaurant. Chandler and Monica are sitting at a table] (Phoebe and David walk in) Monica: I can't believe she's gonna say yes to David. She's clearly in love with Mike. Chandler: You know, it's very hard to take you seriously when you look like that. (David and Phoebe sit down at a table close to Chandler and Monica's) David: Uh, Phoebe, uh, I have... something I wanna say. Monica: Oh my God, he's gonna do it now. Please, I cannot watch this, let's go. Chandler: I think we have some time. Have you ever heard him talk? (doing David) "Uh, Phoebe, uh, I would be honoured, uh..." Spit it out, David! David: Uh, Phoebe, uh... (Chandler hits his own head) you're an amazing woman, and the time we spent apart was, was unbearable. Of course the sanitation strikes in Minsk didn't help! Phoebe: Sure, ok, yeah. David: But well, now that we're together again, I don't ever want to be apart. So, to that end... (David produces the ring. At the same time, Mike walks in, behind David) Phoebe: Oh my God, Mike! David: It's David, actually! Phoebe: No, Mike's here. David: (turns around) Hi Mike! Mike: Hi David. Chandler. Monica... (Looks at Monica, checking her big hair, aghast) Oh! Monica: IT'S THE HUMIDITY! Mike: Hi Phoebe. Phoebe: What are you, what are you doing here? Mike: I have a question I need to ask you. David: I have a question I was kinda gonna ask her myself. Mike: Yeah, I understand, but before you do, she really needs to hear this. David: (annoyed) Ok, would you care for my seat as well? Mike: Actually yeah, that'll be great. David: That's fair, you've had a long trip. (he leaves his seat to Mike, and stands there looking for a chair. He finally goes to Monica and Chandler's table) Mike: Phoebe, I love you. I mean, I missed you so much these last few months and I thought we were apart for a good reason, but then I suddenly realized that there was no reason good enough to keep me from spending the rest of my life with you. David: Kinda stepped on the toes of what I was going to say. Mike: Sorry David, but she really has to know this. David: Alright, but after this I want to see you outside. If the rain stops. Monica: You're the most incredible woman I've ever met. How can I lose you? (Phoebe looks very flattered) Now, I don't actually have a ring... David: I have a ring. Chandler: I wouldn't brag too much about that thing, big guy. David: Phoebe, will you marry me? Phoebe: (smiles at him happily for a few seconds before answering) No! David: Um... Ha ha! Phoebe: I love you. But I never needed a proposal from you. I just needed to know that we were headed somewhere, you know, that we had a future. Mike: We can have any future you want. (they hold their hands, gazing at each other) David: Ok, I'm gonna take off. Phoebe: David, I'm so sorry, I'm sorry. David: Just so I know, if I had asked first... Phoebe: Yeah, I might have said yes, but that would have been wrong. David: Please, you don't have to explain. I mean, perhaps if I hadn't gone to Minsk things would have worked out for us. And I wouldn't have ruined my career, or lost that toe to frostbite. It was a good trip! (he leaves) Mike: Is it ok if I hug you now? Phoebe: Yes! (they hug) Monica: (to everybody) BECAUSE OF OUR MEDDLING! Alright? [Scene: Monica and Chandler's room. Monica and Chandler are in bed.] Chandler: Oh, ain't this nice? It's so quiet, I could just lie here all day. Monica: I know (she snuggles to him) (Rachel runs in) Rachel: (walking in hurriedly) Open your drapes! Open your drapes! Chandler: I'm so glad we've got adjoining rooms! (Rachel opens the drapes) Monica: The sun is out! Chandler: Hey! Remember when I had corneas? Monica: Ok listen, you go down to the pool and reserve the chairs, and I'll get the magazines and the lotion. Chandler: Ladies? Ross's speech is in 45 minutes. Rachel: Nooo! Monica: Damn it! Ross: (from across the wall) Walls are pretty thin, guys! [Scene: Conference room. Ross is making his keynote speech] Ross: Then we have to await the data from recent MRI scans and DNA testing which call into question information gathered from years of simple carbon dating. Rachel: Look at that woman sitting by the pool getting tan... so leathery and wrinkled, I'm so jealous! Ross: Finally, factoring the profusion of new species recently discovered: Gigantosaurus, Argentinasaurus... Chandler: (to a paleontologist sitting next to him) Not to mention the cold sores. (the paleontologist glares at Chandler) Ross: And that's just the herbivores. I'm not even gonna discuss the carnivores, their heads are already too big. Which is ironic considering their stunted cerebral development. (all the paleontologists laugh) Chandler: (to the one sitting next to him) Really? Ross: But all kidding aside, in much the same way that Homo ergaster is now thought to be a separate species from Homo erectus... (Joey laughs) Charlie: What? Joey: He said "erectus"! Charlie: You're... you're kidding, right? Joey: No, he really said it. Ross: ... and while there are certainly vast differences between these Mesozoic fossiles and the example of Homo erectus... (Rachel laughs) Joey: Erectus? Rachel: Homo. [Scene: the hotel conference room] Ross: (concluding his speech)... in a very real way we can bring the Mesozoic era into the 21st century. (pauses) Thank you! (Everybody stands up and applauds. Ross looks flattered and surprised. His friends and other members of the audience go to congratulate him) Ross: Oh, thanks guys! Man with a bow tie: (shaking hands with Ross) I thought... it was wonderful! Ross: Oh! Man with a bow tie: Jarvis Oberblau, Cornell. (sighs) I mean, the ideas you put forth and, and from someone... so... young... and... (sighs again and smiles at Ross blissfully). Ross: (with a frozen smile on his face, realizing something's wrong with Jarvis) Ok... now... now we're just holding hands! (pulls his hand away) Rachel: All right! Well, uh... (to Monica) we're gonna hit the beach? Monica: Yeah! Rachel: (to Ross, in a flattering tone) It was really... great! Ross: Oh, thank you so much! Joey: Yeah, and so funny! Rachel: Oh! (Rachel, Joey and Chandler pat him on his shoulders and walk off, together with Monica) Ross: (puzzled) Ok!... All right, thanks! Thank you so much, you guys! (to Phoebe) Oh, I can't tell you how much it means to me that you were here! Mike: (popping by, smiling) You're kidding, we wouldn't have missed it! (Ross is dumbfounded to see Mike instead of David) Mike: Oh... I'm back! Ross: (skating over, embarrassed) Ok!... Uh... excuse me? Yeah? Phoebe & Mike: Yeah! (they leave) (Ross goes towards Charlie, who's conversing with a fellow paleontologist, and touches her shoulder to get her attention) Ross: Hey! (she turns to him) Well...? (in expectation) Charlie: You were incredible! Ross: Yeah? Charlie: You blew them away! Ross: Oh, I can't tell you how great it was to look at the crowd and see your face! I mean... uh, did you know you were (giggles) mouthing the words along with me? Charlie: (smiling broadly) I was not! Ross: No, it's ok! Made me feel like a rock star! Charlie: Oh my God! (pauses) I'm your groupie! Ross: (joking) I'd better not found you naked in my hotel room! (Ross giggles, but Charlie isn't amused at all.) Ross: (realizing his joke wasn't so good, but still giggling) Look, I took it too far! [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: the hotel lobby. Monica, Phoebe, Chandler and Mike walk in from the outside.] Monica: (her hair bigger then before) I can't believe it's raining again! Oh, it's so unfair!!! (They approach the buffet, where a couple of paleontologists are sipping their drinks) Phoebe: Well, on the bright side, now you won't have to see all these paleontologists with their shirts off. (Grabs a drink and notices that the two men are upset) Not you guys. You got it going on! (Monica, Phoebe, Chandler and Mike walk away, sipping their drinks) Monica: So, what are we gonna do today? Mike: They have a game room downstairs! Ping pong and stuff. Monica: (pleasantly surprised) Ping pong? (to Chandler) Honey, they have ping pong! Let's play! Chandler: I don't think so! Monica: (disappointed) Why not? Chandler: Because you know how competitive you get and well, I say it's cute, others disagree, and I'm lying! Monica: I'm not always that bad! Chandler: Oh, yeah? What happened when we played last time? Monica: (hesitatingly) I punched you...? Chandler: And...? Monica: ... Phoebe...? Phoebe: ... and...? Monica: I clunked your heads together! (Chandler turns to Mike and gives him a "See what I mean?" look) [Scene: Joey and Charlie's room] (Joey is sitting in an armchair and wearing a diving mask. He pulls out a grape from a bunch of fake grapes on the coffee table, puts it on the snorkel's breathing tube and blows it out, then giggles to himself) Charlie: (walking in) Hey! There you are! Joey: Hey! (stands up) As soon as it stops raining we have got to go snorkeling! Some kid told me about the sea turtle and, if you blow bubbles in its face, it chases ya! (smiles ecstatic) Charlie: I'm sorry, I can't! I'm running a discussion group all afternoon. Joey: (disappointed) Oh... oh, but that's ok, I'll find someone else to do it... I'll do it alone, but... I don't know what happens if the sea turtle catches you... Charlie: You know... I feel so bad! I haven't seen you this whole trip and (pauses) especially last night... Joey: (interrupting her) Hey! Don't worry about it! It was fine! I ended up having the best time with Rachel! I just felt bad for you, stuck in that room, working on Ross's speech... (pulls a face) Charlie: Actually, it turned out to be a lot of fun! Joey: (bewildered) Oh! Oh, well! At least we're both having fun! Charlie: Yeah... (There's an awkward moment of silence) Charlie: ... is it weird that it's not with each other? Joey: Yeah! A little bit, yeah... Charlie: (sitting down on the bed) I think we need to talk...! (pause) Joey: Yeah... I think we do... (sighs, with folded arms)... about what? [Scene: the hotel game room. There is a ping pong table in the middle of the room. Monica, Phoebe, Chandler and Mike walk in] Monica: C'mon guys, it'll be fun! Phoebe: All right, all right... I'll play if we don't keep score! Monica: But then how do we know who wins? Phoebe: Nobody wins! Monica: So, we're just four losers... SUPER! Chandler: I'm not playing with you. Phoebe: Yeah, I'm out. Mike: I'll play ya! Monica: (smiling) OK! Phoebe: Mike, you don't know, you don't know what you're doing! Chandler: She gets crazy! This scar (points to his forehead) is from Pictionary! (Monica rolls her eyes) Mike: (disbelieving) I think I will be all right! (to Monica) You wanna volley a bit for a serve? Monica: Sure! Got to! (Monica and Mike start to play ping pong. Mike scores) Monica: Aww! Mike: Oh, by the way... I'm awesome!! Chandler: (nearly whispering) Oh dear God, there's two of them! Mike: You're ready to play? Monica: Hell, yeah! Chandler: (to Phoebe) Did you know this about him? Phoebe: No idea! I though he was soft like you! Mike: Wanna make it more interesting? Monica: How much were you thinking? Mike: Ten bucks a game? Monica: Make it fifty! Mike: I'll make it a hundred! Monica: (nearly shouting) One thousand... Chandler: (interrupting her) OK! Mike: To see who goes first, you got a quarter? Monica: (going through her pockets) No... (to Chandler and Phoebe) Either of you girls got a quarter? Chandler: Honey, try to focus the trash talk on him! Phoebe: (picks up a coin from her bra) Monica, you call it. Monica: Heads! No, Tails! He-he-heads! Phoebe: Tails! Monica: (angry) Ow, what are the chances! (They start playing again) Monica: Ha! My point! Mike: Oh, no! I don't think so! You know, according to standard table tennis rules if at any time a player uses his non racket bearing hand to touch the playing surface he or she forfeits the point. Phoebe: (smiling proudly) He was a lawyer! [Scene: Rachel's hotel room. She is watching the Weather Channel on TV.] Alexandra Steele: (meteorologist) (pointing to the East Coast)... all these coasts having beautiful weather. In New York, it's 72 and sunny! Rachel: Oh! Weather bitch! (turns the TV off) (Someone knocks on the door) Rachel: It's open! (Joey walks in) Hi, Joe! Joey: (downhearted) Hey... Rachel: (worried) What, is everything ok? Joey: Uh... Charlie and I broke up. Rachel: Nooooo, why? Joey: Oh well, she said we have nothing in common. Rachel: (laughing) Oh, that's crazy! Joey: No, it's not, we have nothing in common! Rachel: ... yeah, it's true. Joey: I mean, she should be with someone like... Ross! You know what I mean, he uses all those big words too! Man, smart people are dull! Rachel: (pretending to be offended) What, hey! Joey: (laughing sarcastically) Ok, Rach! (He punches her on her shoulder mockingly, then goes and sits down on her bed) Joey: I feel so stupid, you know? Why... why do I keep going after the wrong girls? Rachel: W-What are you, what are you talking about? Joey: Oh, c'mon, I mean, there's you, then there's Charlie, and it's like... (sighs) What the hell is my problem? OH! (He falls back on the bed) Rachel: Ok... uh... maybe you're not always going after the wrong girl... Joey: (sitting up again) I'm telling you, Rach, Charlie is not right for me! Rachel: Yeah, I'm not talking about her... Joey: But then who? The waitress I went out with last month? (gives her a meaningful look) Rachel: You know? Forget it! Joey: (stands up) No-no-no-no, no! Who, who were you talking about? Rachel: No, I-I-I-I don't, I actually don't know who I'm talking about! So! Joey: Ok! All right, well... I'm gonna see if I can get a room for the night and I'll... I'll see you later! Rachel: Yeah, sure! (Joey walks out, while Rachel is pensive. Once he's out of her room, he suddenly realizes who she was talking about and goes back in. He looks at her in disbelief and she looks like she was caught red-handed) [Scene: Rachel's hotel room. Joey is standing at the door, facing Rachel] Joey: You like me? (shuts the door) Rachel: (nearly whispering) Ok, let's not make a big thing about this! Joey: (shocked) That's a huge thing! Rachel: Not working with me, Joe! Here's the thing: lately I have been having thoughts (pauses) musings, if you will! Joey: What... for how long? Rachel: Only like a month! Joey: (outraged) A MONTH?? Rachel: What the... DIAL IT DOWN! (Joey goes to sit on the bed) Listen, ok, and maybe they're crazy thoughts, but sometimes I do, I have, I've been thinking about... you know, us! (looks at Joey, who's totally distraught) Ok, dial it up a little! Joey: (stands up) I just have one question! Rachel: Shoot! Joey: (desperate) What the hell are you doin'??? Rachel: I don't know, I'm not trying to do anything, it's just, we have such a good time when we're together, you know... I mean, aren't you just a... little curious... (insinuating) what that would be like?... Joey: Uh, am I curious? I mean, I am as curious as... as... George!! Rachel: (puzzled) Who...? Joey: CURIOUS GEORGE! You know, the monkey, and the guy with the yellow hat! Rachel: Oh yes, of course, I remember him! Joey: Yeah, he had a paper route. Rachel: Yeah, he did! (smiling) Oh, see, this is what I'm talking about! Joey: No, I know, yeah I know we're great but Rach no... this... this can't happen! Rachel: But can it... just... happen a little bit? Joey: (charmed, but then recoiling) NO, NO! It can't happen at all! Rachel: But why, why not? Joey: Because... look, no one wants this to happen more than me, ok? (in a trembling voice) I have gone over this moment in my head a hundred times and not once did I ever say no! (sighs) I couldn't do it to Ross! Rachel: But that wasn't gonna stop you before! Joey: I know, I know! But I've thought about it a lot since, and it just wouldn't be right... (painfully) I'm sorry...! Rachel: (regretful) I'm sorry, too! (they look at each other sadly, then she recollects, and puts her hands over her eyes) OH GOD! I shouldn't have said anything! Joey: NO! No-no-no-no-no-no! Hey! Hey, we'll be fine! Li... hey, like you said: no big deal! Rachel: It's not a big deal! Joey: NO BIG DEAL! Rachel: It's so not a big deal! Joey: Yeah! I'll see ya later! Yeah! Rachel: Ok! (They shake hands, he walks out and shuts the door, then seems to change his mind, moves to open the door, than changes his mind again and leans over the door. Just then, Rachel opens the door) Rachel: Ok, I... (Joey falls backwards into the room) Rachel: AAAHHHH! (Joey hurriedly stands up, arms akimbo, gives her an embarrassed look and walks away) [Scene: the hotel game room. Monica and Mike are still playing ping pong] Monica: Ooh! I'm sorry! I think, I THINK, that may have missed the table! Mike: Do you? Monica: Ah, yeah! Mike: Do you? Monica: Ah, yeaaah! Mike: DO YOU? Monica: AH YEAAAAH! Chandler: (to Phoebe) Do you really find this attractive on him? Phoebe: (looking at Mike) Oh, yeah! (turning to Chandler) Are you telling me you... you're not even... a little turned on by Monica, right now? (Chandler turns to look at Monica, who has the biggest hair ever, is flushed and in a sweat, and is decidedly sniffing her armpits) Chandler: I think this is the first time in our marriage that I've felt like the more attractive one. Phoebe: C'mon Mike, you can beat her! Knock that dog off her head! (Mike scores) Monica: Oh, damn it! Phoebe: (pointing at Mike and shouting) I sleep with him! Mike: (boasting) Game, point! Monica: (threatening) Don't get too cocky! Remember I won the last one! Oh, by the way, how did that feel, losing to a girl? Mike: You know, you should really look in a mirror before you call yourself that. (they continue to play ping pong and then Mike scores, winning the game) Monica: NO, NO, NOOO! Mike: And that's how it's done! (Phoebe kisses him) Chandler: Okay-dokay, you've each won a game and I've lost what's felt like a year of my life. So everybody goes home a winner. Monica: Best out of three? Mike: That's what I'm thinking. Chandler: Should I use my invisibility to fight crime or for evil? Monica: (to Mike) Serve the ball, chump! Mike: (doing Monica and mumbling): Serve the ball, chump. Phoebe: (to Mike) Ok Mike, better come back Mike, better come back. [Scene: hotel's bar, Ross and Mr. Oberblau are talking] Mr. Oberblau: I'm just saying, I have a cabin in the Adirondacks. If you ever want to get away from the city, well, that'd be (pause) just nifty! Ross: Ooh, well. Ah, I kinda have got a lot on my plate right now, not that I wouldn't love a weekend in the country with a strange man. (Mr. Oberblau giggles) Woman: Jarvis? Mr. Oberblau: (seeing her) Oh, you're back... (to Ross) this is my wife, Nancy. Ross: Get Out! (Charlie walks by) Charlie: Ross, can I talk to you for a minute? Ross: Yes, please! (they move and sit down on a sofa) So, what's going on? Charlie: Uh, well... Joey and I broke up. Ross: Oh my God, wh-what happened? Charlie: Joey is a great guy, but we're just... so different! I mean, during your speech he kept laughing at homo erectus! Ross: I knew that was him! Charlie: Anyway I just, uh, I think it's for the best. Ross: (holding her hand) Hey, you ok? Charlie: I guess. There was um... (she breathes deeply) there was another reason that I thought it was time to end it with Joey. I started to realize that I was having feelings for someone (pause) else. (some paleontologists interrupt them) Paleontologist: (merrily) Ok Geller. Last day of the conference, you know what happens to the keynote speaker. Ross: Oh, professor Clerk we're kind of in the middle of a conversation, here. Charlie: Yeah, can you guys just throw him in the pool later? Professore Clerk: Or we could throw you both in now! Ross: (standing) Ok, gentlemen! Please! Aren't we a little old for this? I mean, we're scientists, right? We're academics. And most importantly I... you-you will have to catch us first. (he starts to run away with Charlie). GO, GO, GO! (the paleontologists starts chasing them) [Scene: game room, Monica and Mike are still playing ping pong] (Chandler and Phoebe look bored to death. Monica scores and laughs) Mike: Ok, so it's a tie again, 41 to 41. Chandler: (exhausted) Ok, look! Enough is enough! Monica: No, I have just to have two more points to beat him! Chandler: Monica, that was also true an hour ago! I mean, please, look at you! Your hand is blistered, you can barely stand, your hair is inexplicable! Ok, you've already proven you are just as good as he is, now we've missed our dinner reservations, so now let's just go upstairs, order room service, take a shower and shave your head! Monica: I can't just walk away! I've put in four hours! Chandler: But... Monica: Look! You knew this about me when you married me! You agreed to take me in sickness and in health. Well, this is my sickness! Chandler: What about the obsessive cleaning? Monica: That's just good sense! (they start playing again; suddenly Monica hits the table with her hand) Monica: (in pain) Aww! (she holds her hand, moaning like she's biting back a scream) Chandler: You ok? Monica: No, no, no. Honey, I'm ok. Shake it off! (she shakes the wrist and it's more painful) Oh, no! No shaking, no shaking! Ooh! Ooh! (pause) Oh my God! I can't play! Mike: So you forfeit? Phoebe: Mike wins? Monica: I can't believe it! (pause) I lost! Chandler: No, you didn't. Monica: What? Chandler: Because I'm gonna play for ya. Phoebe: You can't do that! Mike: Oh, that's ok. I don't care which of them I beat. Phoebe: Ok, we're taking that paddle home, mister. Monica: (to Chandler) Honey, you don't have to do this. Chandler: (In a loving voice) Yes, I do. Now, I may not understand why you have to win so badly, but if it's important to you then it's important to me, because I love you. Monica: But... you suck! Chandler: (Still in a loving voice) You're welcome, sweetheart. (Chandler prepares to play) Chandler: All right Mike, let's get this over with. Sudden death. Whoever wins this point, wins. Mike: Ok! (They start playing and Chandler does not suck at all) Monica: Oh my God! You're good! Phoebe: It's like watching p0rn! (Chandler scores and wins the match) Chandler: And that's... how... it's done! Monica: (to Chandler) Oh my God. That was so amazing! When did you (pause) Hold on! I almost forgot (she turns to Mike) loser! (back to Chandler) When did you stop sucking? Chandler: I never sucked, I actually didn't want you to know how good I was! Monica: Why? Chandler: I don't know. Monica: This is so great! Now we can enter into doubles tournaments! Chandler: That's why! [Scene: Hotel's bar. Ross is running to Charlie trying not to be seen with two cocktails in his hands. She's hidden behind a huge plant] Charlie: Thanks! Ross: Hi. Charlie: Are they still looking for us? Ross: Yeah. The bartender said that they split up into two search parties, the herbivores and the carnivores. (pause) You know, we as a group are not the coolest. (Three paleontologists walk by and Ross hugs Charlie trying not to be seen) Ross: I don't think they saw us. Charlie: I don't think they did. (They realize that they are hugging closely and he draws back) Charlie: Um, so, I started to say you something earlier, um... (pause) There was another reason I realized it was time to end it with Joey. I kind of realized I... was starting to have feelings... for someone else. Ross: (apparently unruffled) Oh. Can I... can I ask who? Charlie: I think you know. Ross: I think I know too but I've been really wrong about this stuff in the past, so... (Charlie kisses Ross, they stop for a moment and then he kisses her back) Ross: I'm sorry... we... we can't. Charlie: All right, all right. Ross: I mean, you just went out with my best friend, and I just think it'd be a really really bad idea. (pause) Or-or not! (they kiss passionately) (Joey walks in and sees Ross and Charlie kissing. He gives a faint, rueful smile, then he seems to recollect something and suddenly he moves back to Rachel's room. He knocks on her door and she opens) Rachel: What? (Joey says nothing, but enters the room and kisses her. They are kissing passionately only to stop for a brief "oh" from Rachel. They continue their passionate kiss and Joey closes the door with his foot and it shuts in the camera's "face". And that's the end of the ninth season.)

The gang goes to Barbados for Ross' conference. David ( Hank Azaria ), Phoebe's Scientist Guy, almost proposes to her - but her ex-boyfriend, Mike proposes first. Ross and Charlie find they have a lot in common. Rachel and Joey grow closer. Monica's hair reacts to the humidity. Joey and Charlie break up when he realizes they have little in common. He later sees Charlie and Ross kissing, and he kisses Rachel. Monica and Mike play ping-pong to both Chandler and Phoebe's displeasure.

fd_How_I_Met_Your_Mother_05x20

fd_How_I_Met_Your_Mother_05x20_0

Ted (2030): Children, everybody has at least a moment to take a huge decision, a crazy decision that will change their lives forever. This is a story of mine. Ted is with his mother in the apartment. Ted (2030): It all started with a visit to my mother and her boyfriend for a long time, Clint, who always said things in the style... Clint: Ted, your mother is really a woman... really erotic boy. Ted: Please do not. Clint: As a painter, slash, composer, slash, voluntary combatant with fear. I find it incredibly... sensual. But you have s*x own memories of your mother, right? Ted: Please, stop. Clint: Exciting her nipple, receiving her milk. You follow me?Fine. Clint rises. Mother: I can not believe I'm with this man. Ted: Mom, mom, it's good. You're not obliged to ask you with him. There's full of guys... Mother: It's so cool! And he chooses! Ted: Yeah! Finally, I... I'm glad you're happy. Clint: Oh, well... because that was an ad to make you... Son. GENERIC The band is at McLaren's with the mother of Ted and Clint. Ted (2030): Yes, my mother was lapping. I married for the second time before I get married once. I was so happy for them.f*cking happy. While weddings can be magical. As far as I know, I'll end up dancing with my future wife in this marriage. Ted dancing with a woman of a certain age. Woman: And if you do not boil the jars of jam, it will be a haven for bacteria. Ted (2030): It was not her. Lily: Oh, congratulations! Marshall: We're so happy for you! Mother: I feel like my 19 years. It is as if the past 35 years had never happened. Ted: I love to listen to you, Mom. Clint: Son, to show you that your mother and I will always be there for you, I want you to have this beautiful picture I have painted. Ted (2030): Children, there was no guitar. Clint: I'm sorry, Ted. Robin: Best... Marshall:... marriage... Lily:... never... Barney:... seen. Clint: Hello everyone. Mahallow to be there with us. Throughout my life, well, this life. I waited a muse as Virginia. Girl... this is your song. He plays guitar and sings. Ted: Oh my God. Ted (2030): Children, I swear, I remember the 12 minutes following. So I have no idea of the end of the song. Clint, singing: And Mahatma Gandhi. And pancakes. Well all together! And the dragon. And you. Barney: Guys, guys! Guess what Robin has done. Flashback 20 seconds ago... Barney: You're currently whining? Robin: I know it's stupid, but... And the dragon. They are happy, you know? Barney: Not as much as me, Robin. Guys, guys! Guess what Robin has done. End flashback Barney: And then I just tell you guys what Robin has done, but you were there for. I must tell you the rest of the wedding. Aunt Meredith! Ted (2030): Children, I can not exaggerate how horrible it is to be a single guy in his mother's second marriage. Man: So, Ted, when you get married? Male 2: So, Ted, when you get married? Woman: You marry when? Woman 2: You marry when? Older woman: You marry when? Barney: Robin whining during the song Clint. Oh, I've already said. The super good sister of Ted, Heather! Ted: I gotta go. Marshall: Wait, Ted. And your speech? Ted: Inventing an emergency or anything. I... I... I'll get it. Marshall: Ted, Ted, what are you doing? It is the marriage of your mother! Ted leaves the room. Barney: Uncle Larry, sky gods. Niagara Falls. It is empty. Ted (2030): And my friends I have not seen during the next 72 hours. Robin, Marshall, Lily and Barney are at the bar. Lily: Seriously, Ted is fine? I mean, I know that the weekend was hard, but hey... it's weird radio silence. Robin: I know. His mother called such five times to ask where he was. Barney: Sorry Robin. They are all out of pretzels. And I know how you're emotional. (He gives her a stack of paper towels) Shh. Leave it alone. Robin: Okay! Okay, I... I cried during the song Clint. Barney: She cried to the song of Clint. Ted: Hi, guys. Lily: Ted, where were you? Robin: Is that okay? Ted: Oh, that's fine. I'm in top form. Go. We'll take a look! Marshall, Lily, Barney and Robin and Ted are in the car leads. Marshall: Hey, man, you would not possibly let someone who does not like a kind of mania old driving license? Lily: Yeah, but where we're going to end? Ted: First, let me tell you what happened on the wedding day. Flashback Ted: Watching my mother to marry, I realized how I was late in relation to it on my life. I'm just going to leave here. So I walked into my hotel room and I went on a website where I go sometimes when I have trouble sleeping. End flashback All: Oh! Oh! Oh! Ted, come! Oh, my god! Lily: We do not want to know what you do on the internet when you feel alone. Ted: I have not spent... It is not that part of the night I was talking about. Flashback Ted: I was on my favorite site for real estate auction... Come on, we all did... visit some properties on the site. End flashback Ted takes his friends see a house. Ted: Guys... I just bought the house of my dreams. Lily: What, are you saying that you bought the house? Ted: I mean, I put an online auction and I won the next day and I was accepted. I have just finalized all the paperwork. Barney: And that was fine with Blair Witch, and she tried to haggle on closing costs? Marshall: Try not to laugh with you that, man. Ted: So, I thought this piece would be the desktop. You see, a place just for dad. I mean, kids can come if they read a book, but no toy. This is not about to hold my love. It is rather a question of drawing a boundary. Robin: Whoa. Lily: Ted, you're barge. It will take years and a small fortune for it to be liveable. Ted: I'm an architect. I would find a way. And if I start now, this is over so that my wife and I can move. Barney: Is it in the room with us right now, Ted? Ted: Okay, okay. I know. I have not found Ms. Mosby yet, but I will get it. Knock on wood. Marshall: Look out, man. Lily: Ted, you can not go on like this where you will make your life. It does not work like that. Robin: Yeah, I agree. This is perhaps the dumbest thing you've ever done. Barney: The dumbest thing that ON've ever done. Marshall: Okay, well. Ted let alone a little, right? Ted: Thank you. Marshall: Okay? We all did stupid stuff in our lives. For example, I remember once when I put the rocket in the bathroom and tried to put them to dry in the microwave. Robin: My God, you had to be completely stuffed. Barney: No, it's too dumb to whether adult. It should be child when it happened. Robin: Children? Why... Barney: Put rockets in... Marshall: Oh, my God, guys! Great new game: "Drunk or child? "I was what? Guess. Lily: Bourre. Robin: Bourre. Barney: Gamin. Ted: Gamin. Marshall: Drum roll, please. I was... Drunk! Barney: You know, I'm glad Robin have guessed. Because it is really sensitive and fragile. I talk about the times she cried during the song Clint. And while I whisper, I hope she hears me. Robin: It was not me! Lily: What? Robin: It's not me who cried during the song Clint. [SCENE_BREAK] Flashback Robin: Are you crying? Barney: I know it's silly, but... And the dragon. They are happy, you know? Robin: Not as much as me. Barney: I shall spin you 500 dollars if it happened to you instead of me. Robin: $ 500? No worries. Barney: Thank you, Robin. You saved me an explanation and an excruciating public humiliation. Guys! Guys! Guess what Robin has done. End flashback Barney: Wait, you're... Man going: Hi, I'm here for inspection. Ted: Oh, great! I began to think that you would not come. Man: Well I'm here for a while, but I think the bell does not work. Ted: Hmm. Man: Oh, hey! The doorbell does not work. Barney: Wait, wait. You will inspect the place where now? Ted: Well, yeah. All: Hey! Hey! Hey! Marshall: Okay! Well! Well, just remember that we all did stupid stuff in our lives, okay? For example, once I tried to cycle on an extension ladder to a roof of a two-story house. The only question is I was a kid or drunk? Drum roll, please. Flashback Marshall is lying on the ground. Marshall: I was... Mother: Marshall is dead! Marshall died! End flashback Marshall: A kid! Mom, are you? You always make a fuss about nothing. Ted: Hey, check the porch, huh? Go. I will put a gate there.Every Sunday here, it'll be a huge party sausage. Marshall: Hmm... sausage party? Ted: Burgers, burgers will be made. Lily: Ted, stop that. You can not keep this house. This is a huge mistake. Ted: Lily, listen to me. I had a plan, right? A woman, a house, children, and it turned out that the universe is really sh1t to what is the wife and children. So what is the thing I can control? The house I bought. It's not a huge mistake. Marshall: Exactly. Now, I currently drive the car of my brother in the opposite direction on I-94. Now that was a big mistake. I was... a kid. Robin: Wow, Barney. You've been crying about this guy or what? Man: Yeah, you have leaky pipes. But on the bright side, the pond in your basement drowned rats the biggest and slowest.The others, well... They go by. Lily: You see, you should have waited to see all the problems that home. Ted: You can always have problems with any decision, but you can not let that stop you. First day in college, Marshall knew he wanted to spend his life with you. And if someone was there to contradict his decision? Flashback 1996... Lily leaves Marshall's room. Marshall: I know this is our second hot date but, Lily Aldrin, I will marry you. Man: Not so fast. (He brings Lily in the room) was some form of problem here. These hips are not suitable for a baby Eriksen.And that thing she does not have the right filter. This is a maintenance problem that never leave. And I know you think like this gothic look now. But basically, you've always imagined with a Spanish style? I would recommend you take a look at the options in the lease. End flashback Ted: But Marshall took the risk, and that's the best thing that ever happened to you both. Barney: It was Robin! "What! "Yes, it was Robin who cried at the song Clint! But she said... I know what she said. But that's not what she wanted you to know. Flashback 10 minutes earlier... Robin: Look, Barney, I support most all these jokes about me crying. And if I claim to prove it was you who was crying, that you would not be a problem? Barney: Of course. Robin: I made a mistake in letting you go, right? Your pen1s is huge. End flashback Lily: Boy, you've almost had us still. Marshall: You're always a little too far. Barney: sh1t. Man: Well, good news. I think we all will soon be out of here. Ted: Really? Man: Yes, I ended up downstairs and outside. Now, I could continue to look and see what I could do except black mold, bearing walls damaged, frayed electrical son, lead paint, water damage, fire damage, sun damage, off the cares, the floor is rotting... Oh, look at that, not termites. The chimney cracked, bats, rats, spiders, raccoons, the tramp, the gutter parts, the old fuse box, paint the kitchen which is not bad, but really swear the plates with the plans working. Or I could advise you not to buy this miserable house Guantanamo Bay, and suggest you break all by before a wind blowing through all son of bitches from here. Ted: And if I had already bought the son of a bitch? Man: I'll see at the top if all goes well. Marshall: He said he had found a tramp? Ted: Ok, yes. There are problems. But I see this house as I know it can be. I see a swing on the tree outside. I see a crown on the front door at Christmas. I see a barbecue outside on the patio or I would make Barbec every weekend. I see a life I know I can be here. The ceiling collapsed. Barney: I see a complaint. Man: Found termites. The man was taken on a stretcher. Robin: Hey, good, good news is that the inspector has killed some cockroaches at the time of impact. Lily: Oh, stay there. Huge hole on the second floor. I just want to be sure the report is accurate. Ted: You were right. It was a huge mistake. It's just that... the world is changing, but me... You have a flat 'for years. It's getting serious between Robin and Don. Barney, perhaps this is a new tie? Barney: Thank you. My God. Ted: Now my mother remarried. I... I'm exactly the same spot 5 years ago. I'm tired. I'm... I'm ready for life that goes with this house. Barney: OK, buddy. Sometimes people make bad decisions in life. Like your mother. Ted: What do you mean? Barney: Ted, as you know, I've always been really, really addicted to your mother. Ted: Please, stop. Barney: Actually, Virginia and I spent a special time in 2006.Before Clint. Ted: What are you talking about? Barney: I wanted to be your father! Ted: What does that mean? Barney: Do not answer me, young man. That's why I cried at the song of Clint. Because that b*st*rd stole your mother. And now all that remains for me... is the memory of the drop at the airport. Flashback In 2006... Barney is in a car with Ted's mother. Barney: And that's how you got the pin? Incredible. You... So... here we go. Virginia: Here we go. Barney: It is a good time. Not much traffic... Virginia: Oh, I love this song. Barney: Is it true? Hmm. I can... Listen... Ted's mother. I... I should really... They kiss. Virginia: Your pen1s is huge. End flashback Marshall: Again?! One too many! Barney: Okay, that's good. Well, I invented the last, but everything else, I swear it was true. Come on, man. Your mother is a cougar. Robin: Wait, I thought you said that a cougar could not be more than 50 years. Barney: Okay, this is a Mellencamp. Ted: Guys, I'm in trouble. I mean, the best I can do is to improve the house and sell the property with great losses. Lily: Listen, Ted... Usually in life, when you make a huge mistake, you must learn to live with. But how many times you got the chance to take a mass break out and all? Ted takes the mass of the hands of Lily. Ted: It's silly. Barney: Your mother and I were at second base. Ted breaks the wall and each turn he blows a mass in the wall. Ted: Thank you Lily. It was fantastic. Lily: A Ted Mosby, owner, friends, and if he can rent it, Slumlord. Ted: There... there is one last thing I should do. Ted (2030): And my friends have not seen during the next 72 hours. Ted goes out and leaves the other in the dilapidated house. Robin: It was our turn. Ted went to her mother. Ted: Hi. Virginia: Ted, what are you doing here? Ted: I have not been able to make your speech. I was selfish and I freaked out and I'm so sorry, so... and here... "A hand sign for the Dj? Dee made the sign... "I pass. "Mom, I love you, and I've never seen him so happy with Clint. And Clint, welcome in the family... what you both is what I'd really like to have someday. But in the meantime, health to you both. I love you. " Virginia: Ted... I'm so there... cooked. I'm 60% sure only that you're there before me. But if you're here, I love you. And you're the best son a mother could have. Ted (2030): There was no reason why my mother could be with a guy like that. However, as you know children, be with Grandpa Clint was the best decision taken what did your grandmother.(Ted returns to the house he bought) Sometimes our best decisions are those that really have no meaning. Ted goes out on the patio and found that Marshall had a barbecue. Ted: Hey. Marshall: Hey, man. Ted: How did you know that I would be here today? Marshall: Robin told me. Happy Housewarming! Ted: But I told you the last time I saw you I was coming home. Marshall: I know what you said. I also know my best friend, Ted Mosby. Listen... for all time, all the years I have told you... "Slow! Not go too fast with this girl! "You've not heard a single f*cking time. Your heart is both drunk and child. Ted: Please stay here with me, man. Marshall: That's what I do. Ted: I can... I can give you some ideas I have? Marshall: Yeah. Ted (2030): And, children, Marshall was right. I have not given up my dream home because that's the thing with the stupid decisions. It makes them all. But time is funny. And sometimes a little magic. It may take a stupid decision... and turn it into something sensible. For children, as you know, this house... our house is.

When Ted attends his mother's wedding, he is extremely disturbed by her overly affectionate relationship with her fiancé, which forces him to think about his own life and make an impulsive decision.

fd_Frasier_11x03

fd_Frasier_11x03_0

Skyline:An Elevator rises to the top of the Space Needle. ACT ONE Scene One - Caf Nervosa FADE IN Niles and Martin are seated at a table. Frasier enters in his squash togs. Frasier: Oh, hello Dad, hi Niles. Martin: Hey, Fras. Frasier: [to the counter waiter] Uh, may I get my usual, please? [notices Niles's suit] Niles, we're playing squash in twenty minutes. Where are your togs? Niles: Oh, yes, I had to hide them in my briefcase. I told Daphne I was seeing patients all day. It was the only way I could get out of driving her to this flower show. It's two hours there and back. Frasier: I see. Well, we could have rescheduled. Did you really have to lie? Niles: Did I mention we'd be joined by Daphne's mother, who's suffering from some female complaint and can't get it through her head that I'm not a gynecologist? Frasier: Ah. Well, then you had to save yourself. The waiter brings their coffees. Niles: Thank you. So, please, don't tell anyone we're playing squash today. I can't have it getting back to Daphne. Frasier: Right. Roz enters. Roz: Hey, guys! [they all ad-lib hellos] I'm so glad you're here, you can meet my new boyfriend. He's the hottest guy I've dated since... Niles: Frasier... He has noticed a man in a topcoat getting his coffee at the counter. Frasier turns to look and also becomes excited. Roz: Okay, the hottest guy since... [cracking up] Frasier. [laughs] Niles: That's Alistair Burke! Frasier: I know! Martin: Who's Alistair Burke? Frasier: He is only the head of the Seattle Opera Guild, and one of the finest directors in the world. Niles: His productions are brilliant. He staged a Phillip Glass opera last year, and no one left. Frasier and Niles rise to introduce themselves. [N.B. This would be the second time that Kelsey Grammer and Patrick Stewart have crossed paths - the first being Grammer's cameo on Star Trek: The Next Generation as Captain Morgan Bateson in the episode, "Cause and Effect." Grammer was the third actor from Cheers to appear on a Star Trek set, after Kirstie Alley in "Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan" and Bebe Neuwirth in the Next Generation episode "First Contact." On the other hand, Stewart is the fourth actor from a Star Trek series to appear on Frasier - the others being Robert Picardo from Voyager in [9.11] "Bully for Martin," Brent Spiner from Next Generation in [10.13] "Lilith Needs a Favor," and Nana Visitor from Deep Space Nine in [10.14] "Daphne Does Dinner."] Frasier: Alistair - uh, it's, it's Frasier Crane. Uh, we met last year at the fundraiser. Alistair: [shaking hands] Of course! You're on the radio. Frasier: Yes, yes! Alistair: [to Niles] And you're, uh - don't tell me... Niles waits with a hopeful grin. Alistair: All right, tell me. Niles: [deflated] Niles Crane. [also shakes hands] Frasier: Yes, we've both got tickets to your premiere, and, oh, we can't wait to see what magic you'll work with "La Boheme." Alistair: [arch] Well, I would be content if my Mimi would just lay off the cheeseburgers. I sat her down yesterday and I said, "you're dying of consumption, dear, not over-consumption." Frasier and Niles both give loud, suck-up laughs. Martin and Roz share an eye-roll. Frasier: Oh, that's hilarious! Niles: It's funny because it's bitchy. Frasier: Yes, and how well you're looking! Alistair: Oh, thank you. Niles: I like your suit! Alistair: Well, you're too kind, and it's nice to see you again. Bye- bye, take care. Alistair leaves. Frasier and Niles are still grinning with excitement. Roz: Wow, that was thorough. Find any polyps up there? Frasier: We were merely paying due respect to one of the giants of the opera world. Barry, Roz's new boyfriend, enters. He is wearing jeans and a black t-shirt that shows off his physique to good effect. Barry: Hey! Roz: Barry, hi! This is Frasier, and Niles, and Martin. Barry shakes their hands. Martin: Hi - whoa, strong handshake. You look like you work out a lot. Roz: He practically lives at the gym. Barry: Well, it's my church. Frasier looks suspicious. Barry: Oh, this blouse looks amazing on you. Frasier: Yes, it's very chic, Roz. Roz: Well, Barry picked it out. He's the women's wear buyer at Bidwell's. He spent a whole day last week going through my closet and throwing out all the stuff I shouldn't wear anymore. Barry: You should have seen what she was still holding on to - culottes! Roz: Stop it! She pushes him playfully towards the counter. Frasier: Well... one wonders what's been in Barry's closet a little too long. [Niles sniggers] Martin: What are you talking about? Frasier: Oh, come on, he didn't seem gay to you? Martin: That guy's not gay! You know how you can tell? The muscles. Niles: [playing along] Good point, Dad. Second tip-off: no poodle. Martin nods. Roz comes back. Roz: So, isn't he fabulous? Frasier: Yes, yes, uh, fabulous sums it up in a word. Martin: I think he's perfect for you, Roz - good-looking, friendly, [at Frasier] and not gay at all. Roz: Who said he was gay? Martin: Not me. Roz: He's not gay! Frasier: Yes, all right, Roz, but you can see how someone might get that impression, all right? Roz: Why, because of his job? Because he takes care of himself? That is just such lazy, stereotypical... Frasier: All right, you're right, it was a shallow, knee-jerk assumption, and unworthy of us, both as psychiatrists and men about town. Barry comes back with two takeout cups in a tray, and a biscotti. Barry: We better go, we're gonna miss the movie. Roz: Right, bye. Martin: See you. Roz: [sees the tray] What, no biscotti for you? Barry: Please - I'm a house. They exit. Frasier and Niles mouth at each other, "So gay." [SCENE_BREAK] Scene Two - Street It's evening, and Frasier and Niles are walking home together. Niles is back in his suit, but Frasier is still in his squash togs, and his stride is extremely short. Niles: Can't you walk any faster? Frasier: I'm moving as fast as I can in these ridiculous shorts of yours. Niles: Well, you wouldn't need them if you hadn't burst out of your own. Frasier: I did not burst out of them. My laundress simply over- bleached them until they had the tensile strength of a cobweb. If you're in such a hurry you should have brought your own car. Niles: Daphne needed it for her flower show. And remember... Frasier: Yes, yes, you were seeing patients. We did not play squash. Niles stops. Niles: Is that Roz's boyfriend? It is indeed Barry at the other end of the street, walking towards them. Frasier and Niles turn toward each other in a huddle. Niles: Oh, you don't suppose she told him what we were saying about him? Frasier: No, I can't imagine she would do that. Let's just act natural. Niles: All right. But when they turn back, Barry has gone. Frasier: Where did he go? Niles: Odd. He was just here. Walking forward, they notice a set of stairs leading down, below a lit sign that says, "Bad Billy's." Niles: "Bad Billy's." What sort of place do you think that is? Frasier reads another sign by the stairs: "Tuesday is Leather Night." Frasier: Well, let's see. Tuesday is leather night... so it's probably some sort of shoe outlet. [then] It's a gay bar, you idiot. [Niles mouths, "I know that"] Come on, let's go. He heads for the stairs. Niles: What?! No, no, no, no! I told Daphne I was seeing patients until seven. If I'm late, she might get suspicious. Frasier: Niles, Roz is my friend. I'm not going to let her get hurt by some man who's lying to her about himself. I'll be just a minute. He heads down the stairs as Niles waits outside, uncomfortable. CUT TO: Inside Bad Billy's Frasier enters. Men of varying ages and attires are sat at tables or standing around - but Frasier immediately stands out in his skimpy shorts. He approaches a man at a table. Frasier: Excuse me, uh, I'm looking for a guy. Patron: Yeah, I kinda got that from the shorts. Frasier: It's a particular guy - he's about thirty-five years old... The bartender hails Frasier. Eduardo: Frasier? Frasier: Eduardo! [to the patron] My furniture polisher. Don't tell me you put away paste and chamois for life as a barkeep. Eduardo: I just do this on the side. Frasier: Oh, well, bet you're surprised to see me in here. Eduardo: [going along] Okay. Frasier: All right, look, I thought I saw a friend of mine come in here. He's, uh, mid-thirties, uh, wavy hair, good build... Eduardo: Yeah, I think he's in the bathroom. Frasier: Oh, oh... He is unsure what to do next, when loud dance music blares. Almost unconsciously, he starts moving to the beat. He decides to wait. Eduardo: Can I get you a drink? Frasier: [still moving to the music; "why not?"] Sherry, please. CUT TO: Street Niles is still waiting outside, when Barry emerges from the apartment building that they passed walking towards Bad Billy's after Barry vanished - apparently that's where he was really going. Mortified, Niles grabs a free magazine from a rack next to the stairway, opens it and holds it in front of his face. As Barry walks past him, this is no impediment to identification. Barry: Oh, hi Niles. Niles: Hey, Barry. When Barry has passed, Niles really looks at the magazine's contents. Confused, he looks at the front cover and starts, realizing it is a gay adult contact magazine. He hurriedly replaces it, grabs his briefcase and runs down the stairs. CUT TO: Bad Billy's Frasier is sitting at the bar, sipping his sherry and bobbing to the music. Niles comes in, very uncomfortable. Niles: [over the music] Frasier, Barry's not here. I just saw him. Frasier: [not hearing him] What? Niles: Barry's not here, let's go. Frasier: He's in the bathroom. Niles: No, he's not. Can we just go, please? Frasier: What did you say? Niles: Daphne's expecting me, let's go! Frasier: Come again? Niles: [yelling] Oh, for God's sake... The music stops abruptly. Niles: I'm begging you, please take me home! The brothers look around, acutely aware that everyone is looking at them with big grins. Frasier: You see, actually, he and I are... Another loud dance number starts up, drowning him out. He gives up and heads for the door. As he leaves, Eduardo grins and flashes him a thumbs-up. Frasier smiles feebly and exits with Niles. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene Three - KACL Frasier is doing his show. Frasier: You can rationalize your actions all you want to, Kevin, but the truth is, you're just not being honest, are you? Kevin: [v.o.] I guess I'm not, but it's not like you're so honest about everything in your life. Frasier: I beg your pardon? Kevin: Well, you've never told your audience you're gay. Frasier: Excuse me? Kevin: I saw you in a gay bar last night. Roz, at first surprised, now looks mad - she already suspects what this is about. Frasier gives her an uncomfortable glance. Frasier: Oh. Oh, I see. [chuckling] Yes, in fact, I did pop into Bad Billy's yesterday. You see, I thought I had seen a gentlemen I wished to speak with go in there, and I'd certainly never been in that bar before. Kevin: Then how come you knew the bartender by name? And why were you wearing those tight little shorts? Frasier: Well, they-they were not my shorts. You see, I'd been playing squash, and I borrowed them from my... [catches himself] uh, from my friend, who is slim-hipped. Kevin: Yeah, kind of like that nervous guy you picked up. Frasier: Look, I did not pick anybody up! All right, I am going to put an end to this discussion, because there is nothing to discuss. On my way home from the gym, I popped into Bad Billy's looking for a man I was hoping was in the bathroom. I had a quick sherry with my French polisher and then I left. As for how I got into another man's shorts, that is no one's business! Realizing what he has said and how it sounds, he is about to dig himself in deeper, but Roz cuts him off. Roz: And we're off the air. Frasier: [throws off his headphones] Oh, dear God! Roz enters his booth, furious. Roz: That man you thought you saw going into Bad Billy's, that wouldn't be Barry, would it? Frasier: All right, Roz. I-I saw him on the street, I turned, and the next thing I knew he was gone. I thought he was... Roz: Yeah, you know what Barry was doing from 10:00 until midnight last night? Frasier: What? Roz: Me, that's what! He's not gay, whereas you, Miss Marple, you've just been outed. Frasier: Outed?! The door opens, and - who else? - Gil enters. Gil: Frasier! I am so sorry, I thought that last call was appalling. Frasier: Thank you, Gil. Gil: You poor man! How long you must have dreaded this dark, yet inevitable day. I so wish you could have been allowed to come out in a time and manner of your own choosing, instead of being wrenched from your closet, your voice cracking, your cheeks crimson with shame... Frasier: Gil, I am not gay. [packs his briefcase] Gil: Oh, Frasier, you can't play coy once you've been caught traipsing about Bad Billy's in shorts that left little to the imagination. Frasier: They were not my shorts! I simply borrowed them because my own had split when I bent over... Gil: Oh, please! We don't need to know everything. I just want to say that your KACL family will be here for you as you take your first brave steps on that yellow brick road to pride and self-acceptance and... Frasier: Oh, shut up, you big queen! He exits with his briefcase. Gil: I see Kitty has claws. As mad as she is, Roz is trying hard not to laugh. END OF ACT ONE ACT TWO Scene Four - Caf Nervosa Frasier is sat at a table, having just finished his coffee. A waitress brings him two biscotti on a plate and collects his empty cup. Frasier: Oh, um, another latte to go, please. [hands her some money] And you can take it out of there, thank you. [re: biscotti] I-I didn't order these. Waitress: They're from those guys over there. She motions to two men seated at the counter. They smile and wave at Frasier, which he feebly returns. Martin enters, in a bleak mood. Frasier: Oh, Dad. You care for a coffee? Martin: Nah. I can see where you might think I would, though. A guy walks into a coffee bar, he can't blame people for thinking he likes coffee. Frasier: Yes, Dad. Martin: Course, uh, if he didn't like it, he could make that clear to people. He might say, "I am not a coffee drinker"... Frasier, chewing disconsolately on one of the biscotti, nods. Martin: Or, "I have never tried coffee even once." Frasier: Yes, all right, Dad. Martin: "I am not even curious about..." Frasier: Yes, all right! [the waitress brings his latte] Thank you. Martin trudges to the counter. Niles comes in, with the now-familiar smug little grin on his face. He sits with Frasier. Niles: Frasier. Frasier: I see you caught my show. Niles: Mmm-hmm. Frasier: Go ahead, let's hear it. Niles: I'm not going to tease you. I'm grateful. You could have ratted me out to Daphne, but instead, you protected me... just like a big sister should. [sniggers] Frasier: You know, I'm glad this tickles you. Niles: I shouldn't make fun. You people have been persecuted long enough as it is. [sniggers again] Frasier: Are you done? Niles: I'm done. Frasier: [rises] I will return those shorts to you tomorrow. Niles: No, keep them, you'll want them for the parade! [laughs, then] I'm done, now I'm done. As Frasier is about to leave, and Martin comes back to the table with his coffee, Alistair emerges from the men's room. Alistair: Frasier! Frasier: Oh, Alistair. Alistair: So sorry to hear about your ordeal today. Frasier: Oh, boy - you heard my show then? Alistair: No, I heard the replay on "Kiki and Mel's Drivetime Circus." If it's any comfort, I went through the same thing myself once. Frasier: Really? Alistair: Yes, I was a guest on a call-in show, and an angry ex- boyfriend phoned in. Everything came out: names, dates, birthmarks. Had quite a chat with the wife that night. Very frank... very expensive. [N.B. Ian McKellen's "outing" occurred in similar circumstances - the actor was a guest on a call-in show, and when the discussion drifted to the subject of gay rights, one particularly conservative caller remarked, "why can't those people just stay in their clubs?" McKellen lost his temper and shot back, "you mean like the Garrick Club?" (a very old, very conservative restaurant/men's club in London) McKellen then revealed his orientation, adding that he wouldn't be caught dead in the Garrick.] Frasier: Oh, how awful for you. Of course, in my case- Alistair: I know what might rally your spirits. I'm giving a small party after the premiere of my opera next week. Are you free to come? Behind Alistair, Niles shoots to his feet. Frasier: I'd be delighted! Alistair: Splendid! Well, I must get to rehearsals. Frasier: Oh, how are things coming? Alistair: You can tag along, see for yourself if you like. [Niles gapes] Frasier: I would love that! Let me just grab my coffee. [runs back to his table and does] Goodbye, Dad. [smugly] Niles. He exits. Niles turns around, apoplectic - mouth gaping, knees wobbling. He sinks into his chair. Niles: Did you see that? I would kill to go to that party! [sulky] I was at that gay bar too, you know. Martin: Let's see... one of my sons just got picked up by a guy. My other son is jealous. [bites his biscotti] Yep, life is good. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene Five - Apartment Martin is sitting in his chair, and Daphne is rolling up her exercise mat - they have just finished Martin's exercises. Niles is also there. Frasier enters, excited. Frasier: Dad, please clean up that debris around your chair. Alistair is coming by. Martin: Oh, Alistair - that's all we've heard around here all week. Alistair this, Alistair that... Daphne: You can't blame him for being excited. It's fun having a famous friend. When I lived in England... do you know the actor Peter O'Toole? Martin: [interested] Sure. Daphne: I always thought it would be fun to be friends with him. Martin sinks back down again - what did he expect? The doorbell rings. Frasier: Now, that's him. Everyone just act natural. He opens the door. Alistair: Frasier! Frasier: Alistair! They hug and kiss each other's cheeks. Alistair: You smell fantastic. Frasier: Oh, it must be my new conditioner. Sandalwood with just a hint of...? Alistair: ...Cloves. Frasier: Oh, the man's amazing. He has the musical panache of Leonard Bernstein and the nose of a Tuscan truffle hog. Alistair: You turn my head, sir. Frasier: Oh, well, come and meet my father, Martin Crane. Alistair: Well, how lovely to meet you, Martin. Martin: [shaking hands] How are you? Alistair: Niles... Niles: Hello. Alistair: Love the tie. Niles: [preening] Charvet. Daphne: And I'm Daphne, Niles' wife. Alistair: [disbelieving] No. Niles: We're expecting. Alistair: Can't say I was. How lovely to meet you, Daphne. Daphne: Likewise. [N.B. Again, Jane Leeves is very obviously pregnant by this time - though unlike Season Eight, they're taking no trouble to conceal it.] Alistair: Frasier, this apartment is stunning. Frasier: Thank you. Alistair: The view - breathtaking; the art - perfect; the chair - hilarious. Martin looks put down. Alistair's mobile rings. Alistair: Damn. So sorry. I have to take this call. [answers phone] Hello? Placido! Frasier nearly falls over. Frasier: Placido Domingo?! Alistair: [aside] Yes. [Niles also gapes; into phone] I'm here with Frasier. Yes, he's the one I told you about. Oh, stop! He motions around, asking Frasier where he can talk in private. Frasier: Oh, oh, yes, uh... in the kitchen. Alistair: [heads into the kitchen; into phone] Well, you'll meet him next month at the concert in Madrid. [puts phone to shoulder] Oops! Now I've spoiled the surprise. He goes into the kitchen. Frasier: [ecstatic] He's taking me to Madrid! Martin: You just met him last week, what's going on? He kissed you. Frasier: Well, he's a man of the theater, he kisses everyone. Well, it's not like he's the first gay friend I've ever had. Niles: He's the first one who thinks you're gay, too. Frasier: He does not think I'm gay. Niles: He thinks I'm gay, and I'm standing next to my pregnant wife. Martin: Have you told him you're straight? Frasier: I don't have to. I mean, it's obvious - we are just friends. [crosses his arms] He is not courting me. Niles: [notices] Is that a new watch? Frasier: [drops his arms] So what if it is! Daphne: Jewelry! Ooh, he's a keeper. Frasier: Stop that! My friendship with Alistair is the best thing that's happened to me in months. I will not have you sully it by making it out to be something it's not. Alistair sweeps in again. Alistair: Sorry, my angel. Well, we'd best get to that tailor. Frasier: Oh, yes, yes, we're having new tuxes made for Alistair's premiere party this weekend. Alistair: To which you are all invited. Niles: [gasps] Thank you! As they leave, Alistair picks up a treat from a plate of small pastries that Frasier set out. Daphne: Will Peter O'Toole be there? Alistair: No, and he knows why. [eats one] These are amazing! Where did you get them? Frasier: I made them myself. Alistair: No... is there anything this man can't do? Niles: Time will tell. Frasier and Alistair exit. [SCENE_BREAK] THE QUEERNESS OF YOU Scene Six - Alistair's Mansion It's late in the evening after Alistair's premiere, but the elegant party is in full swing in the grand ballroom of Alistair's home. A string quartet is playing. Frasier and Niles, in tuxes, enter with Daphne, in an ample dress. Both brothers are dazzled by the attendance. Niles: Will you look at this crowd? It's like a Who's Who of the cr me de la cr me of the upper crust! Alistair, also in a tux, appears at the top of the grand staircase. Alistair: Frasier! Frasier: [coming over] Alistair, your production was a triumph! Alistair: Wasn't it? [then] Smile. He poses with Frasier for a photographer, huddling close to Frasier. This gives Frasier another frisson of uncertainty, but he forces it down. Alistair: [to Niles and Daphne] Welcome, welcome. Niles: Thank you. Alistair: There are so many people here I'm dying for you to meet, but I have to make a little announcement first. Glinka, darling, come and meet Frasier. Frasier is overwhelmed again - Glinka, a diva and the star of the show! Glinka: Frasier, finally! Frasier: Oh, Glinka, it's such an honor to meet you. I have all your recordings. [kisses her hands] Glinka: So I hear that you and Alistair are quite an item. Frasier: Oh, no, no, no, we're just very good friends. Glinka: [playing along] Oh, yes. Yes, of course. Alistair mounts the staircase. Alistair: Everyone! Could I have your attention, please? I have to announce that our very own Nigel Frye is retiring and giving up his seat on the Opera board... As Nigel raises his glass, the crowd sigh sadly. Alistair: But I am thrilled to name as his successor a tireless supporter of opera in Seattle, Dr. Frasier Crane. For Frasier, that's the final triumph. He gapes, trembling with ecstasy, as everyone oohs and aahs, applauding. Frasier: Oh! Oh, my! Oh, I never dreamed... [hugs Alistair] Oh, thank you, thank you! Alistair: [between kisses on Frasier's cheeks] Congratu...lations. Glinka: [aside to Niles and Daphne] Stunning couple, aren't they? Niles: I'm more stunned by them each day. Frasier comes over to them, still ecstatic. Frasier: [hugs Daphne] Oh, Daph. Daphne: What an honor. Frasier: Oh my God! Niles: Isn't it thrilling? Frasier, can we talk to you for a moment? Frasier: Yes. Niles: Do you realize that every person in this room thinks that you're Alistair's boyfriend? Frasier: Listen, I can't help it if people think we're a couple. The point is, I'm enjoying myself, and if you're too jealous to be happy for me, then that's your problem. Niles: Jealous?! Frasier: Yes, that's right. All my life, I have dreamed of being half of a power couple, and I finally am! Is it perfect? No. But it's fun, and I don't want it to end. Daphne: Don't you worry at all that Alistair might be falling for you? Frasier: Oh, please, the man has not even made a move on me. And do you know why? Because we are friends. Famous, fabulous friends. Alistair comes over. Niles: Oh, uh, Alistair. Congratulations, it was a stunning production. Alistair: Well, thank you, Niles. Daphne: It must be awfully hard work putting on an opera. Alistair: It is utterly draining. In fact, when I'm in rehearsals, I devote every ounce of strength to it. No exercising, no jogging, I even abstain from s*x. Well, you can ask Frasier here. [caresses Frasier's chin] My poor, dear, patient Frasier. Glinka: [comes over] Care to dance? Alistair: I would love to. [caresses Frasier's chin again] Don't go far. He and Glinka move off. Niles: [smug again] Well, looks like Nigel won't be the only one "giving up his seat" tonight. Frasier: I could scratch your eyes out and not one person here would find it strange. Daphne: I'm sorry. Frasier: Damn my fatal allure. He goes over to where Alistair and Glinka are dancing. Frasier: Alistair, when you're finished with this dance... Glinka: [charmed] Oh no, be my guest. She breaks away and allows Frasier to cut in. Alistair and Frasier begin to waltz, Frasier very uncomfortable. Alistair: Frasier, do you have any idea how sexy you look in that tux? Frasier: Yes, I do. Alistair, I'm afraid I may have given you the wrong impression about myself. Alistair: You seem nervous. Don't be. And I want to thank you for waiting. Frasier: Oh no, the waiting was good, I enjoyed the waiting. Alistair: Oh, me too! [twirls Frasier] How it sharpens the appetite. How it builds! [dancing more against him] The intensity, the heat, the desire! Can you feel it?! Frasier: [literally, in terror] Oh yes, there it is! He stops dancing and takes Alistair aside. Frasier: Alistair, um... listen, I-I, I'm afraid I have to tell you something. Uh... I'm not gay. Alistair: Oh, Frasier, please don't tell me you're still struggling with those issues. Frasier: Well, I-I like you so much, and I love our friendship. I'm afraid we can never really be more than friends. Alistair: Would three weeks on Capri in Bertolucci's villa change your mind? Frasier struggles mightily. Frasier: It's worth a try. [then] No, no, no. It-it wouldn't. I'm sorry. Alistair: [sighs] Well, then... Frasier: I'm so sorry. Alistair: So am I. Could I ask a small favor of you? Frasier: Of course, anything. Alistair: Would you mind staying tonight until my other guests have gone? I'd hate my friends to think I've been jilted. Frasier: Of course. Alistair: It won't be very late. Around about 3:00 it's down to the core crowd, and we'll all relax and unwind. Alistair's servant comes over. Servant: It's after midnight, sir. Shall I fire up the hot tub? Alistair: Absolutely. Frasier: I'm afraid I don't have a bathing suit. Alistair: Then you'll fit right in. He drifts away into the crowd as Frasier starts to look panicked. END OF ACT TWO [SCENE_BREAK] Street: Roz and Barry are walking home along the same street after an evening out. As they pass Bad Billy's, they walk by another man rather obviously hiding his face with a magazine. Reaching the door of Barry's building, they kiss and then go inside. The man lowers the magazine - it is Gil. He folds the magazine under his arm, gives his hair a smooth-down pat, and walks down the stairs to Bad Billy's.

Frasier thinks that Roz's new boyfriend is gay. He follows him into a gay bar, which makes everyone think that Frasier is gay. Alistair Burke, a high-profile gay opera director ( Patrick Stewart ) then becomes interested in Frasier, who may be too enamored with the perks of a power-couple relationship to set Alistair straight.

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"Elements of Harmony: See 'Mare in the Moon'?" But that's just an old ponies' tale. Twilight: "...She will bring about nighttime eternal!" It's imperative that the princess is told right away. (Spike burps) Twilight: I knew she would want to take immediate action. Spike: (reading) "My dear Twilight, there's more to a young pony's life than studying. Make some friends." (Pinkie Pie gasps) Twilight: All the ponies in this town are CRAZY! I hope the princess was right... Rarity: She's GONE! Twilight: Oh no...Nightmare Moon! (evil laughter, peals of thunder) (theme song begins) My Little Pony, My Little Pony, ah, ah, ah, ah, (My Little Pony) Twilight: I used to wonder what friendship could be (My Little Pony) Until you all shared its magic with me Rainbow Dash: Big adventure Pinkie Pie: Tons of fun Rarity: A beautiful heart Applejack: Faithful and strong Fluttershy: Sharing kindness Twilight: It's an easy feat All: And magic makes it all complete, yeah (My Little Pony) Do you know, you're all my very best friends (evil laughter, peals of thunder) Seize her! Only she knows where the princess is! Stand back, you foals! (evil laughter, peals of thunder) Rainbow Dash: Come back here! Nighttime? Forever? (Spike groans sleepily) We gotta stop Nightmare! You've been up all night, Spike. You are a BABY dragon, after all. (crash) Twilight: Elements, Elements, Elements...Ugh! How can I stop Nightmare Moon without the Elements of Harmony?! And just what ARE the Elements of Harmony? And how did YOU know about Nightmare Moon, huh? Are you a spy?! Rainbow Dash: Whoa! Applejack: Simmer down, Sally. She ain't no spy. But she sure knows what's goin' on...don'tcha, Twilight? I read all about the prediction of Nightmare Moon. Some mysterious objects called the Elements of Harmony are the only things that can stop her, but I don't know what they are, where to find them, I don't even know what they do! Pinkie Pie: "The Elements of Harmony: A Reference Guide." Twilight: How did you find that?! Twilight: "There are six Elements of Harmony, but only five are known: Kindness, Laughter, Generosity, Honesty, and Loyalty. The sixth is a complete mystery. It is said the last known location of the five Elements was in the ancient castle of the royal pony sisters. It is located in what is now-" All: The Everfree Forest?! (spooky theremin music) Whee! Let's GO! Not so fast. Look, I appreciate the offer, but I'd really rather do this on my own. Applejack: No can do, sugarcube. We sure ain't lettin' any friend of ours go into THAT creepy place alone. We're stickin' to you like caramel on a candy apple. (all voicing agreement) Pinkie Pie: Especially if there's candy apples in there! Pinkie Pie: What? Those things are GOOD. (sighs) Twilight: So, none of you have been in here before? Rarity: Ugh! Heavens, no! Rarity: Just look at it! (squealing) It's dreadful! Applejack: And it ain't natural. Folks say it don't work the same way as Equestria. Twilight: (apprehensively) What's that supposed to mean? Rainbow Dash: (spooky vibrato) Nopony knows! You know why? Applejack: Rainbow, quit it! Rainbow Dash: ...'cause every pony who's ever come in has never...come...OUT! (ground rumbling, ponies screaming) Rainbow Dash: Fluttershy! Quick! Fluttershy: Ohmygoodness, ohmygoodness... (screaming) (Twilight screaming, rocks rolling down cliff face) Applejack: Hold on! I'm-a comin'! (hooves scraping cliff) Twilight: Applejack! What do I do?! Let go. Are you CRAZY?! No I ain't. I promise you'll be safe. That's not true! Now, listen here. What I'm sayin' to you is the honest truth. Let go, and you'll be safe. (screams) (Twilight sighs with relief) (Twilight yelps) (Applejack's hooves clop) Fluttershy: Sorry, girls. I'm not used to carrying more than a bunny or two. (feral roar) Rainbow Dash: And once Pinkie and Rarity were saved, WHOA! Me and Fluttershy loop-de-looped around and WHAM! Got you right in the nick of time. Yes, Rainbow, I was there. And I'm very grateful, but we gotta- (gasps) Twilight: A manticore! (feral roar) Twilight: We gotta get past him! (manticore snarls) (kick landing) Rarity: Take that, you ruffian! (roar) Rarity: (wailing) My hair! (Rarity shrieks) Fluttershy: Wait... (manticore grunts) (manticore snarling) Applejack: Yee-haw! Git along, little doggie! Fluttershy: Wait! (thudding, roar) Applejack: Whoa! All yours, partner. I'm on it! (whoosh) Fluttershy: Wait! (manticore snarling) (Rainbow Dash screams) Rainbow! (growls) (hooves scrape dirt) (snorts) Fluttershy: WAAAIT! (manticore snarls) Fluttershy: (motherly) Shh...it's okay. Oh, you poor, poor little baby. "Little?" Now, this might hurt for juuust a second... (roaring) All: Fluttershy! (manticore purring, Fluttershy giggling) Fluttershy: (baby talk) Aw, you're just a widdle old baby kitty, aren't you? Yes you are. Yes you are. How did you know about the thorn? I didn't. Sometimes we all just need to be shown a little kindness. Rarity: (shudders) My eyes need a rest from all this icky muck. Rarity: Well, I didn't mean that literally... Twilight: That ancient ruin could be right in front of our faces and we wouldn't even know it! Rarity: I didn't see you there! My apology. (ponies talking over each other fearfully) Applejack: Oh wait, I think I stepped in somethin'. (Fluttershy screams) It's just mud... (Applejack yelps) (menacing growls) (all screaming) (Pinkie Pie laughing) All: Huh?! (making goofy noises, laughing) Twilight: Pinkie, what are you doing?! Run! Pinkie Pie: Oh girls, don't you see? (singing) When I was a little filly and the sun was going down Twilight: Tell me she's not... Pinkie Pie: (singing) The darkness and the shadows, they would always make me frown Rarity: She is. Pinkie Pie: (singing) I'd hide under my pillow from what I thought I'd saw But Granny Pie said that wasn't the way to deal with fears at all Rainbow Dash: Then what is?! Pinkie Pie: (singing) She said, Pinkie, you gotta stand up tall, learn to face your fears You'll see that they can't hurt you, just laugh to make them disappear Ha...ha...ha! (gasp) (all singing and laughing) So, giggle at the ghostly Guffaw at the ghastly Crack up at the creepy Applejack: Woohoo! Whoop it up with the weepy Chortle at the kooky Snortle at the spooky Pinkie Pie: (singing very rapidly) And tell that big dumb scary face to take a hike and leave you alone and if he thinks he can scare you he's got another thing coming and the very idea of such a thing makes you wanna...HAHAHAHA hehehe... (holding note) Laaaaaaaaugh! (song ends, all laughing) (all laughing) (brakes squealing, thuds) How are we gonna cross this?! (distant cry) All: Huh? (sobbing, splashing) Sea serpent: (flamboyant accent) What a world! What a WORLD! (splash) Excuse me, sir. Why are you crying? Sea serpent: (histrionics) Well, I don't know. I was just SITTING here, minding my OWN business, when this tacky little cloud of purple smoke just WHISKED past me and tore half of my beloved moustache...CLEAN OFF! And now, I'm just SIMPLY HORRID! (sobbing theatrically, loud splash) Rainbow Dash: Oh, gimme a break. Applejack: THAT'S what all the fuss is about?! Rarity: Why, of COURSE it is! (haughty) How CAN you be so insensitive?! (sympathetic) Oh, just look at him. Such lovely luminescent scales. Sea serpent: (sniffs, whines) I know... Rarity: And your EXPERTLY coiffed mane. Sea serpent: (pleased) Oh, I know, I know! Rarity: Your FAAABULOUS manicure. Sea serpent: (gasps, gushing) It's so truuuue! Rarity: All RUINED without your beautiful moustache... Sea serpent: (wailing) It's TRUE, I'm HIDEOUS! Rarity: I simply cannot let such a crime against fabulosity go uncorrected. (chomp) Sea serpent: (whining) OW! What'd you do that for?! Twilight: Rarity, what are you- (slash) (sea serpent swooning dramatically) Sea serpent: (delighted) Oh, hohohohooo! (preening) My moustache! How WONDERFUL! Rarity: You look smashing. Twilight: Oh, Rarity! Your beautiful tail... Rarity: Oh, 'tis fine, my dear. Short tails are in this season. Besides, it'll grow back. Rainbow Dash: So would the moustache... Twilight: (gasps) We can cross now! Let's go- (screams) Sea serpent: (dramatically) Allow me. There it is! The ruin that holds the Elements of Harmony! Twilight: We made it! Applejack: Twilight! Wait for us! Twilight: We're almost there- (yelps) What's with you and falling off cliffs today? Pinkie Pie: (gasps) Now what?! Rainbow Dash: Duuuh. Pinkie Pie: Oh yeah! Voice: Rainbow...Rainbow... Rainbow Dash: Who's there?! (indignantly) I ain't scared o'you! Show yourself! voice: We've been eagerly awaiting the arrival of the best flier in Equestria. Who? Voice: Why, you, of course. Really?! I mean...Oh yeah, me. Hey, uh, you wouldn't mind telling the Wonderbolts that, would ya? 'Cause I've been trying to get into that group for, like, EVER. Voice: No, Rainbow Dash. We want you to join US. The Shadowbolts. Shadowbolt: We are the greatest aerial team in the Everfree Forest, and soon we will be the greatest in all Equestria, but first, we need a captain. Shadowbolt: The most magnificent- Rainbow Dash: Yep. Shadowbolt: Swiftest- Rainbow Dash: Yes. Shadowbolt: Bravest flier in all the land. Rainbow Dash: Yes, (chuckle) it's all true. Shadowbolt: We need... (whispering) you. Rainbow Dash: WOOHOO! Sign me up! Rainbow Dash: Just lemme tie this bridge real quick, and then we have a deal. Shadowbolt: NO! It's THEM, or US. Twilight: Rainbow, what's taking so long? Twilight: Oh no...RAINBOW! (fog swooshes in) Twilight: Don't listen to them- (drowned out by fog) Shadowbolt: Weeeell? Rainbow Dash: You... Thank you. For the offer, I mean. But...I'm afraid I have to say no. (whoosh) (all cheering) [SCENE_BREAK] See? I'd NEVER leave my friends hangin'. Applejack: Whoa. Come on, Twilight. Isn't this what you've been waitin' for? Twilight: The Elements of Harmony! We've found them! Twilight: Careful...Careful... Pinkie Pie: One, two, three, four...There's only five! Rainbow Dash: Where's the sixth? The book said, "When the five are present, a spark will cause the sixth Element to be revealed." Applejack: What in the hay is that s'pposed t'mean? Twilight: I'm not sure, but I have an idea. Stand back. I don't know what will happen. Applejack: Come on now, y'all. She needs to concentrate. (wind blowing, Elements scraping ground) (Twilight shrieks) All: Twilight! (wind howling) The Elements! (all talking over each other worriedly) Applejack: Twilight! Where are you?! Rarity: Look! Applejack: Come on! (Twilight coughing) (Twilight gasps, Nightmare Moon cackles evilly) (thunder) (Twilight gasps, thunder) (hoof scraping ground) Nightmare Moon: You're kidding. You're kidding, right? (hoof scraping ground, horn humming) (poof) (Twilight moans) Just one spark. Come on, come on... (wind howling) (Twilight yelps, thuds) (Elements humming) Nightmare Moon: No! NO! Twilight: (gasps) But, where's the sixth Element?! (Nightmare Moon laughs, slams ground) (shards clatter to ground) You little FOAL, thinking you could defeat ME?! Now you will never see your princess or your sun! The night will last FOREVER! (cackles) (other ponies talking over each other, echoing) (Twilight gasps, "spark" sound) You think you can destroy the Elements of Harmony, just like that?! Well, you're wrong, because the spirits of the Elements of Harmony...are right HERE! Nightmare Moon: What?! Twilight: Applejack, who reassured me when I was in doubt, represents the spirit of...Honesty. Twilight: Fluttershy, who tamed the manticore with her compassion, represents the spirit of...Kindness. Twilight: Pinkie Pie, who banished fear by giggling in the face of danger, represents the spirit of...Laughter! Twilight: Rarity, who calmed a sorrowful serpent with a meaningful gift, represents the spirit of...Generosity! Twilight: And Rainbow Dash, who could not abandon her friends for her own heart's desire, represents the spirit of...Loyalty! Twilight: The spirits of these five ponies got us through every challenge you threw at us. Nightmare Moon: You still don't have the sixth Element! The spark didn't work! But it did. A different KIND of spark. I felt it the very moment I realized how happy I was to hear you, to see you, how much I cared about you. The spark ignited inside me when I realized that you all...are my friends. Twilight: You see, Nightmare Moon, when those Elements are ignited by the...the spark that resides in the heart of us all, it creates the sixth Element. The Element of...MAGIC! (hum rising in pitch) (whoosh) Nightmare Moon: NOOO! NOOO! (Twilight's eyes resonating) Rainbow Dash: (moans) My head... Applejack: Everypony okay? Rarity: Oh, thank goodness! Fluttershy: Why Rarity, it's so lovely. Rarity: I know! I'll never part with it again! Fluttershy: No, your necklace. It looks just like your Cutie Mark. Rarity: (quizzical "oh's") So does yours! (Fluttershy gasps) Pinkie Pie: Look at mine! Look at mine! Rainbow Dash: Awww YEAH! Applejack: Gee, Twilight! I thought you were just spoutin' a lotta hooey, but I reckon we really do represent the elements of friendship. Princess Celestia: Indeed you do. Twilight: (gasps) Princess Celestia! Princess Celestia: Twilight Sparkle, my faithful student. I knew you could do it. Twilight: But you told me it was all an old pony tale. Celestia: I told you that you needed to make some friends, nothing more. I saw the signs of Nightmare Moon's return, and I knew it was you who had the magic inside to defeat her, but you could not unleash it until you let true friendship into your heart. Now if only another will, as well. Princess Luna. (Luna gasps) It has been a thousand years since I have seen you like this. Time to put our differences behind us. We were meant to rule together, little sister. All: Sister? Will you accept my friendship? Pinkie Pie: Whoa! Luna: I'm so sorry! I missed you so much, big sister! Celestia: I've missed you too. (Pinkie Pie blows nose, sobs) Hey! You know what this calls for?! A PARTY! Celestia: Why so glum, my faithful student? Are you not happy that your quest is complete and you can return to your studies in Canterlot? Twilight: That's just it. Just when I learned how wonderful it is to have friends, I have to leave them. Celestia: Spike, take a note, please. "I, Princess Celestia, that the unicorn Twilight Sparkle shall take on a new mission for Equestria. She must continue to study the magic of friendship. She must report to me her findings from her new home in Ponyville." (ponies cheering) Twilight: Oh, thank you, Princess Celestia! I'll study harder than ever before! (all cheer) Pinkie Pie: (rapidly) Isn't this exciting? Are you excited, 'cause I'm excited, I've never been so excited, well, except for the time I went (gasps) but I mean really- (ending theme begins) My Little Pony My Little Pony (instrumental) My Little Pony, friends

After Nightmare Moon decrees eternal night, Twilight and her new friends venture deep into the Everfree Forest to find the Elements of Harmony, a set of artifacts used to defeat Nightmare Moon in the past. Nightmare Moon creates obstacles to stop the six ponies, but each of Twilight's friends helps the group overcome them using her own strengths. Once they find the Elements, Nightmare Moon appears and shatters them. Twilight realizes that she and her new friends embody the six Elements - Honesty (Applejack), Kindness (Fluttershy), Laughter (Pinkie Pie), Generosity (Rarity), Loyalty (Rainbow Dash) and Magic (herself) - and the six wield them to defeat Nightmare Moon, returning her to her original form as Princess Celestia's younger sister, Princess Luna. Princess Celestia returns, forgives Luna and allows Twilight to stay in Ponyville in order to continue studying the magic of friendship.

fd_Bones_06x02

fd_Bones_06x02_0

TEASER (Open: Daytime. Taylor National Park. A couple - TRACEY and MICHAEL are pushing through the trees.) TRACEY: We're lost. We're totally lost. MICHAEL: We're fine, Tracey. TRACEY: I told you hiking was crazy. We should have just bought plaid shirts and gone to a resort. MICHAEL: We'll hit the trail as long as we keep heading west and we're heading west. (They stop.) TRACEY: You don't know that Michael. MICHAEL: Tracey that's the sun so that's south and that's west. TRACEY: That's what you say. MICHAEL: Its not my opinion. It has to do with the position of the sun. TRACEY: Oh please this whole direction thing is totally arbitrary. We're lost and we're gonna to die out here. (She is growing hysterical.) And they're gonna find our bones one day and I hate you. MICHAEL: Yeah you know what, just follow me or they will find your bones because I'll kill you. Now come on. (He marches off.) (He stops and sighs. It has started to rain.) MICHAEL: Great! (Thunder rumbles.) TRACEY: God. Its starting to rain. MICHAEL: Look there's a cave over there. TRACEY: A cave? MICHAEL: Look if you don't like it then stay out here. (Heads for the cave.) TRACEY: Well don't leave me all alone. (follows after him, they both stop in the mouth of the cave and stare inside) Oh we are so totally gonna die. b*st*rd. MICHAEL: We are not gonna die. (Gets out flashlight) TRACEY: Says you. (Flashlight ghosts over the walls, there's one corpse, then another.) MICHAEL: Oh my God, we're totally gonna die. (He runs away, she screams rooted to the spot then runs after him) (CUT TO: SPECIAL AGENT SEELEY BOOTH and DR. TEMPERANCE BRENNAN trekking through the woods, daytime following after PARK RANGER GARY NESBITT) BRENNAN: So, have you talked to Hannah since you got back? BOOTH: Oh yeah, a couple of times. She said she's waiting for her new assignment, probably in Southern Iraq. BRENNAN: I find it novelist that you would leave her since you believe so emphatically in the mythic powers of love. PARK RANGER GARY NESBITT: Do you understand what she's saying? BOOTH: Just nod. BRENNAN: What... but I'm just saying that you wanted to fall in love and you did in Afghanistan/ PARK RANGER GARY NESBITT: You were in Afghanistan? BOOTH: Yeah I just got back. PARK RANGER GARY NESBITT: Ah. I was stationed as a Staff Sergeant in Kandahar, I served with my brother in '04. BOOTH: I am, well I was a Ranger. PARK RANGER GARY NESBITT: Well, you guys are awesome. My brother didn't make it back. BOOTH: Oh. Sorry. PARK RANGER GARY NESBITT: It was worse for his wife and kid. I take care of them now. Sorry I didn't mean to bring this down. You were er, saying something about a woman you left behind. BOOTH: Oh, I didn't leave her behind. It was her decision to stay. BRENNAN: Well, maybe you didn't really love her. BOOTH: No I do. I do love her. (Desperate to change the subject) So is this the cave then? PARK RANGER GARY NESBITT: Yeah, this is it. (CUT TO: INTERIOR OF CAVE. Close up on remains, BRENNAN is crouched inspecting them) BRENNAN: This one is a male - late twenties early thirties. This is a female same approximate age PARK RANGER GARY NESBITT: Its kinda sad, the way they're holding each other, right? BOOTH: (Poised to take notes.) Yeah what happened there, Bones? BRENNAN: Multiple fractures, more severe on the female. It appears they've been bludgeoned. BOOTH: (Groans) its like he couldn't let her go. BRENNAN: It would appear that way. It wouldn't make any comparisons with your current situation BOOTH: Oh, oh thanks for that. Thank you. BRENNAN: Maggots and other insect activity seem to have cleaned the bodies of tissue. Some of the bone on the skull as well PARK RANGER GARY NESBITT: Yeah, that'll happen pretty fast out here. BRENNAN: Well it makes determining the time of death more difficult. I'll need the remains transported back to the Jeffersonian along with the rocks and the surrounding soil. BOOTH: Right. Maybe you could lead the forensics team, Sarge, so nobody gets lost. PARK RANGER GARY NESBITT: Yeah. BOOTH: Alright. Lets go. (BRENNAN and BOOTH make their way out of the CAVE) BRENNAN: Careful of your head. BOOTH: Yeah don't worry. (Close up on remains) (CUT TO: THE DINER. Daytime) BOOTH: So the forensics team said the remains should be in the lab in a couple of hours. BRENNAN: It seems like we were never away from each other doesn't it? BOOTH: Yeah. You okay with that? BRENNAN: Of course. Why? BOOTH: Why? Because seven months ago you said you didn't want to be surround by the crime and death and sadness. BRENNAN: Well I needed time to rationally access the best use of my considerable skills. Factoring in that we have such a strong and mutually beneficial relationship I concluded that I could be most useful solving crimes. BOOTH: Right. So your happy to be working together? BRENNAN: That's what I just said. BOOTH: Great! BRENNAN: Me too. (Everything is not great) So, do you miss her? BOOTH: Yeah of course I do. (He's uncomfortable talking about it) BRENNAN: Well, if there's anything that I can do... BOOTH: Yeah. I didn't leave Hannah you know, I had to come back because of Parker. BRENNAN: I know. BOOTH: I couldn't ask her to leave anymore than she could get me to stay. BRENNAN: I'm sorry I brought it up. (BOOTH sees something out of the window - there crossing the street is a casually dressed blonde that he recognizes) BOOTH: Oh my God! (He get up, the blonde walks in] Hannah! Hey! What are you doing here? (He's so excited, so happy) HANNAH: We can talk in a minute. (She grabs him and kisses him) I put in a request to be assigned to the Washington press core. BOOTH: That's something you said you'd never do. HANNAH: That was before I realized how much I hated waking up alone. (They kiss again. BRENNAN walks up) BRENNAN: Hello.(She interrupts their kissing. BOOTH is annoyed, HANNAH a little shocked) I'm Temperance Brennan. HANNAH: Ah. I've heard a lot about you. Hannah Burley. BRENNAN: I assumed. (BOOTH has big grin on his face - its awkward) BOOTH: Yeah. (HANNAH squeals and kisses him again - BRENNAN stands by and watches brave faced, pained) (OPENING CREDITS) (CUT TO: Medico-Legal Lab; Platform. DR. CAMILLE SAROYAN, DR. TEMPERANCE BRENNAN, DR. CLARK EDDISON and ANGELA MONTENEGROCOLIN FISHER hover over first victim, DR. JACK HODGINS over the second victim) CLARK: I was passed over for a promotion in Chicago; when I heard Dr Brennan was back I jumped at the chance to work here again. BRENNAN: That shows excellent judgment. Most of the fractures on the female are localized to the left posterior side. CLARK: You know, there are multiple breaks on the femur, pelvis, vertebrae- CAM: (Interrupting) So what was it like to meet Hannah? BRENNAN: Oh, she seems very pleasant and attractive. Her face fits comfortably within the golden ratio. HODGINS: So, you guys did math together? (Joins them by the first victim) BRENNAN: No. The golden ratio is a formula that determines beauty - one to one point six one eight. For instance, the width of the mouth to the width of the cheeks- ANGELA: So, she's hot? CLARK: (Interrupting) I see some, uh, particulates here Dr. Hodgins, you know if we still care about finding out what happened to these poor people. CAM: I just assumed that when you guys got back for your trip that you'd be a real couple. BRENNAN: We were never a couple. CLARK: Dr Saroyan you assured me that you would try to keep this work place professional. CAM: And I will Dr Eddison. ANGELA: No, no, no. You were a couple. You just weren't having s*x. Were you jealous. (CLARK rolls his eyes and backs away) BRENNAN: Of course not. I'm happy for booth. Why would I be jealous? CLARK: (Is leaning over the second victim. He snaps, exasperated) Because its obvious you and Agent Booth were attracted to each other, I mean even a blind man could see that. I just couldn't understand why you two did rip each others clothes off. (All the Squints turn to stare) I mean just get all butt naked and (He realizes what he's saying, he turns around) Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God. Er. Um. Er. I'm sorry. Er... It just popped out. Okay. You guys weren't focusing. HODGINS: Dude, (He leans over conspiratorially) A little self control. (Clark doesn't know what to say. Angela is totally amused, she knew he wasn't as straight laced as he seemed.) (CUT TO FBI BUILDING. DAYTIME HANNAH and BOOTH are walking through the halls) HANNAH: I hitched a ride on a C130- BOOTH: -Oh. HANNAH: -Coming back from Baghdad. We got fired on twice. I was sitting next to some guy from AP who wet his fatigues. BOOTH: [chuckles.] I just can't believe that you're here. Its so strange. HANNAH: Truthfully baby neither can I. (ENTERS BOOTH'S OFFICE) BOOTH: So, are you sure that working for the press core it going to be exciting enough for you? HANNAH: I'll make sure it is. BOOTH: God I missed you. (They kiss) Mmm. I wish I could take some time off but we're in the middle of a double homicide. HANNAH: Forget it. We have all the time in the world now. They put me up at the DuPont Hotel, call me when your free. BOOTH: Alright. DuPont. The place is a dump. Alright listen, I'll stop by later, here's my key to my place. What you got to do is get it in there, move it left instead of right and when you here the lock pop give it a kick HANNAH: That sounds filthy (They kiss, they are interrupted by a knock, break apart embarrassed) See you later. PARK RANGER GARY NESBITT: Sorry is this a bad time? BOOTH: No come on in. How can I help you? PARK RANGER GARY NESBITT: Thought your girl was still in Afghanistan? BOOTH: Ah, well, she surprised me. PARK RANGER GARY NESBITT: Explains the grin. I'll make this quick. A guy I work with told me about another murder out there almost ten years ago, some squatter who lived out in the woods, he went out after someone he thought was trespassing BOOTH: On federal land? PARK RANGER GARY NESBITT: Yeah, well the squatter didn't recognize the federal government. Anyway, he beat this guy so bad he died. I just wanted to give you a copy of the original file. BOOTH: Why didn't you just call me? PARK RANGER GARY NESBITT: Yeah I coulda. When I heard we were both combat vets, I guess I wanted in a little more action than I get in the park. BOOTH: You know, look, we both have our jurisdictions. I can't authorize you too... PARK RANGER GARY NESBITT: Yeah, I was... I just thought that... Nah, I understand. You're right. Sorry. BOOTH: Tell you what, when I'm in the park your my guy. PARK RANGER GARY NESBITT: Thanks. BOOTH: Thanks for this. PARK RANGER GARY NESBITT: Its just that I... I always felt that there was now that I could have done for my brother, maybe he'd still be here. Guess I'm just trying to do that little extra is all. BOOTH: We always feel that way when we lose someone. PARK RANGER GARY NESBITT: Yeah. BOOTH: Tell you what, whilst you're here why don't you go and pick up and application, I mean the bureau is always looking for good men and with your service record... Tell Jenny in personnel that I sent you. PARK RANGER GARY NESBITT: I will. Thanks. (CUT TO JEFFERSONIAN HODGINS LAB - HODGINS is vacuuming particulates from the female corpse. Enter ANGELA.) ANGELA: OK that's gross. HODGINS: I'm vacuuming their noses or what used to be their noses. Its fun. Wanna to help? ANGELA: You are not playing with our children without supervision. HODGINS: I'm retrieving pollen that would have been present as they took their last breath, we can match that with the daily pollen count chart the that forest service keeps. ANGELA: Ah, which gives us an accurate time of death. HODGINS: Suddenly what I'm doing is pretty cool, isn't it? ANGELA: Kind of. A little. Yeah. HODGINS: How you feeling? Baby making you sick today? ANGELA: No. The only place I'm not nauseous is here, which is weird because this place always used to make me sick before. HODGINS: Well when you feel better we can take off for our Babymoon. ANGELA: Babymoon? HODGINS: Yeah you know, last trip before we lose all freedom and become our parents which in your case is OK because you know your dad is pretty cool. ANGELA:Well we should go back to Paris. HODGINS: (Does a French accent) But of course. Where else? And you get to eat whatever you like because you're going to look like the Hindenburg anyway. ANGELA: Nice. Nice. HODGINS: (Backpedaling) More to love. You know. More to love. ANGELA: Hmm. HODGINS: Did you ID the victim yet? ANGELA: Hmm. Sort of. (She logs onto PC) The woman is Hilary Fuller, I got a match off the DMV which led to the missing persons report filed by her boss but the guys skulls was a little bit harder. (ANGELA'S RECONSTRUCTION APPEARS ON SCREEN) HODGINS: George Clooney. ANGELA: The victim's skull was funky so this was the best I could do. HODGINS: Oh victim, who art though. (CUT TO FBI BUILDING - BOOTH is walking down a corridor, he glances to the left then rolls his eyes.) SWEETS: Oh, Agent Booth... (SWEETS appears) BOOTH: No. SWEETS: No, what? BOOTH: Nah, I'm not going to talk about Hannah. SWEETS: Ah, I just want you to know that I understand that this can be a loaded situation and if you need any help... BOOTH: You should just take care of your own house first. SWEETS: I imagine you are referring to me and Daisy. BOOTH: Yeah you know that whole on again off again thing, its not good. SWEETS: I know. I know. I'm trying to deal with it. But I find that if I consider making a clean break you know, that although it opens up my world sexually- BOOTH: -Whoa- SWEETS: I might lose- BOOTH: -You're really talking about that now SWEETS: No. No. Of course not. BOOTH: That's good. Good Pal. SWEETS: But to wrap up, Daisy and I have no obligations to each other, no commitments. We're just riding that wave. BOOTH: Ride the wave. You hang ten. I'm gonna go a solve a murder. Don't forget the SPF. (SWEETS nods feeling like the conversation was a good one) (CUT TO FBI CONFERENCE ROOM) [A man waits. Booth enters] BOOTH: So, you reported Hilary Fuller missing? HILARY'S BOSS: Yes. She was my marketing manager. Um, she'd only worked for me for a few months but er, it wasn't like her to just disappear so I called her place, her cell and I got worried. BOOTH: (Makes himself a coffee) Right. Do you take an interest in all your employees? HILARY'S BOSS: What do you mean? BOOTH: Oh, well you're single, Hilary is very attractive. HILARY'S BOSS: Hey, I came down here to help. Now I'm a suspect. BOOTH: Why are you so defensive? I'm just asking a question. HILARY'S BOSS: Look, Hilary she seemed great, we went to lunch a couple of times, she put on the breaks... BOOTH: And you were okay with that? HILARY'S BOSS: Yes. Yes, she didn't want to get involved. Its cool. I'm a big boy. BOOTH: You recognize this man? (Pulls out Angela's pic of George Clooney) HILARY'S BOSS: Sure. Its George Clooney. (Booth groans/sighs, its not the answer he's looking for.) She was killed by George Clooney? BOOTH: Its not Clooney. Its the other victim. You know what I think? I think Hilary and this other man were killed by somebody who was very jealous. HILARY'S BOSS: I reported her missing, remember? BOOTH: I do. I remember. Yeah. (CUT TO THE JEFFERSONIAN - ANGELA'S OFFICE - ON TV SCREEN A NEWS FEED OF HANNAH REPORTING) HANNAH: (ON TV) I'm here in the USA Base in the Khost Province where a bomb has just gone off ANGELA: (Talks over the TV) She is hot. (BRENNAN is with her. BRENNAN: Yes, she's in Afghanistan the temperate is frequently over 100 degrees. ANGELA: No. Attractive hot. Sexy hot. BRENNAN: Of course. ANGELA: So, Booth seems happy with her right? BRENNAN: Yes. He always wanted to find someone to share his life. I don't think he expected it to happen like this. Just like you. ANGELA: Like me? BRENNAN: Well, you've also found a mate although you never expected to be in a long term monogamous relationship. ANGELA: Yeah, well, love sort of decided that for me. Like Cam, she never expected to be a parent. BRENNAN: So, I'm the only one living the life I expected. ANGELA: Well, how's that honey? BRENNAN: Its um, as I expected. (HODGINS Enters): HODGINS: I have time of... Whoa.. Wow. Is that her? ANGELA: Don't drool Hodgins. HODGINS: Huh? No. No. No. Only when I look at you Angie. May I? (Reaches for the remote in Angela's hands) I, er found time of death. I cross referenced the pollen from the nasal cavity with the chart from the forest service. They died two weeks ago on the 13th. (BRENNAN leaves. Hodgins put the news back on and stares, Angela looks at him expectantly.) HODGINS: She's not that great really. Homely actually, when compared to you. (Angela mockingly agrees with him) ANGELA: Keep going. Don't stop. HODGINS: Goddess on high. Mother of my unborn child. Love of (Angela walks away) my life. (Hodgins follows after one last look at TV) (CUT TO DC STREETS then FBI BUILDING - Brennan and Booth talk and walk in the office) BOOTH: So, you're sure they died on the 13th? BRENNAN: Hodgins was certain. Why? BOOTH: The park ranger mentioned a killing it was you know a while ago so I checked it out, here let me use this computer. Winston Hinkle, he had a history of mental illness, he got into a big fight with a camper and ended up beating him to death. He got 8yrs for manslaughter BRENNAN: What does this got to do with the 13th? BOOTH: Well, he was released two weeks ago on the 11th. Parole officer said he lives right outside the park. (CUT TO BOOTH'S SUV - BOOTH and SWEETS) SWEETS: So, Hinkle was diagnosed with bipolar and cyclothymia disorder with episodes of paranoia. BOOTH: Okay, so why would they let him out? SWEETS: Well, the attending psychiatrist feels that his illness is under control. He's taking his meds, hasn't had a serious episode in over three years. (BOOTH'S phone rings.) BOOTH: Booth. Ah, hey! Ah, ha. No I'm just working. No, not Bones. Sweets. Sure. Alright. See you then. You too. (Hangs up) What are you staring at? Don't do that. SWEETS: Its just I find it interesting that you'd be so self conscious on the phone. BOOTH: Really? Interesting? Because I'm having a private conversation in front of someone who's really nosy. SWEETS: Well, you could be self conscious because I know your history with Dr Brennan. I mean its natural to have mixed feelings. BOOTH: Do you want to know what I'm feeling? SWEETS: Yeah. BOOTH: Do you really want to know what I'm feeling? SWEETS: Please. BOOTH: Okay, when I left Afghanistan I was miserable thinking that I would never see Hannah again. And why do you think that is huh, Dr Phil? SWEETS: Why don't you tell me? BOOTH: Because I'm crazy about her. Because my life is just way better when we're together right which is why I'm happy. The past is the past. Okay. I'm happy sweets. SWEETS: I believe you. BOOTH: Yeah. SWEETS: You're a lucky man. BOOTH: I know. Now, get on your shrinky mojo so you can pick up any left over crazies that the other doctor might have missed. SWEETS: My shrinky mojo? That's how it works? BOOTH: Yeah that's how it works. Stop staring at me like that. (PULL UP AT HINKLE'S TRAILER - HINKLE comes out unawares with an axe in hand. BOOTH and SWEETS pull up and get out.) BOOTH: (Takes a look at HINKLE) Oh. OK. SWEETS: You did bring your gun, right? BOOTH: Yeah. HINKLE: This is private property. You're trespassing. BOOTH: FBI. Mr Hinkle, I just have to ask you a few questions. HINKLE: I did my time. I check in with my parole officer every week. BOOTH: Right, well, do I need to tell your parole officer that you were belligerent or cooperative? Which do you think he'd be happier with. HINKLE: If you got a question, just ask it. BOOTH: Yeah. A couple was found dead here in the park, two days after you were released. HINKLE: Uh, I guess I should have expected this. BOOTH: Expected to be caught? SWEETS: He means expected to be perceived as the man he was. That's what your doctor told you? HINKLE: I'm on my meds. I turned my life around. I know what I did was wrong, of course why should anybody else believe that. SWEETS: You have court ordered therapy sessions twice a week, any trouble making it out to those sessions from here? HINKLE: Nope. BOOTH: OK, you account for your whereabouts on the 13th? HINKLE: Nope. SWEETS: You recognize these people? HINKLE: Him. Yeah. They show us his movies in prison. BOOTH: Its not George Clooney. These are the victims. Beaten like the guy you killed. HINKLE: I deserve this I know, but I didn't kill anybody, I swear. BOOTH: I'm gonna keep an eye on you, Winston. (BOOTH and SWEETS walk away) So? SWEETS: He seems to be telling the truth but his meds could be masking a lie. BOOTH: You know, honestly, your whole mojo was disappointing. SWEETS: My mojo is good. (Get back in car) (CUT TO JEFFERSONIAN -PLATFORM- CAM, BRENNAN AND CLARK looking at computer) CAM: The injuries on the female indicate that the left posterior ribs eight through eleven shattered piercing the heart, lungs and kidneys. BRENNAN: Her scapula is also broken which could have pierced the lung. CLARK: His injuries were more presented in the interior and weren't as severe. CAM: Internal bleeding would have taken much longer to kill him, he could have gone for help. CLARK: The woman was bleeding out, perhaps he didn't want to leave her. CAM: So he stayed and held her and she died in his arms. BRENNAN: We need to discover why the injuries were localized his in the front and hers in the back. No one would deliver a beating so carefully. (CUT TO FOUNDING FATHER'S BAR - BOOTH, BRENNAN and HANNAH share a table) HANNAH: Seeley tells me you're the best partner he's ever had. BRENNAN: Well I'm sure that's true. I'm not only gifted intellectually and internationally known but I'm also highly skilled in various methods of self defense. HANNAH: (Impressed) I like a person who isn't hampered by modesty. I have two Peabody's, a National Press Award and I have been wounded three times getting stories. I kick Christiane Amanpour's ass. BRENNAN: We are both quite impressive. Booth never told me how you met. HANNAH: It was outside Marja, the Taliban controlled the area, and I was going in to interview one of the leaders. BOOTH: She was told not to go in but you know of course it didn't matter, she goes in. HANNAH: I was heading to a cafe, walking across this little town square, an insurgent opened fire. Anyway Seeley was there. I didn't notice at the time. He was hidden of course. I was scrambling for cover, the sniper still firing when I heard another shot ring out, the sniper dropped - wounded not killed because he might having information. Seeley never went for the kill unless he could help it. BRENNAN: He saved your life. BOOTH: Well you know what, we met on the field. We'll leave it at that, shall we? HANNAH: Lets just say that I was very appreciative. BRENNAN: You're implying that you showed your appreciation sexually. HANNAH: Oh, yeah! BOOTH: Yeah. HANNAH: Under a fig tree. BOOTH: I never liked figs, now I love 'em! HANNAH: I know. (BOOTH and HANNAH laugh at the memory. BRENNAN'S phone rings) BRENNAN: (She answers her phone)Brennan. Oh Booth is here too. I'll put you on speakerphone. (INTERCUT WITH HODGINS IN LAB) HODGINS: Hey. So I found eggs from the Sternarinker Aphidotia, they were on George Clooney. BOOTH: Its like pulling teeth from this guy. OK Hodgins, the eggs from chickens or.. HODGINS: I just told you, aphids. So I hatched the eggs and it turns out aphids are wingless HANNAH: This is fascinating. HODGINS: Who's that? BOOTH & BRENNAN: Hannah HODGINS: Oh. Hey. Hi. (Fawning) nice to meet you. I, uh, um...Hodgins. Dr Hodgins. I am a big big fan. I just read the piece when you stuck it to SENCOM in 2009. HANNAH: Thanks. HODGINS: Hey, maybe while your here you could find out why every time there's a big story like an earthquake or government corruption there's always some celebrity story that takes focus- BOOTH: Hodgins. HODGINS: You know the BP oil spill, Lindsay Lohan goes to jail and the country takes their eye off the ball. BOOTH: Hodgins. HANNAH: Media is used to distract us all the time. BOOTH: You're taking him seriously. HANNAH: Michael Jackson's funeral is on 24hrs a day and nobody finds out about the coup in Honduras officially. HODGINS: I love this woman. BRENNAN: We were talking about wingless aphids Dr Hodgins. HODGINS: We were. Right. Yeah. Yes. No. We were. So wingless aphids they couldn't have existed where we found the remains. They live in windier environments at a higher altitudes so I checked the wind patterns at various altitudes and I found some cabins in the park that hikers use to rest they must have been there. BOOTH: The male victim may have left something which might ID him. You know thanks Hodgins. We should get back to the park. HANNAH: And I should get to Capitol Hill. I'm covering the Armed Services hearing. BOOTH: I'll see you back at the apartment. HANNAH: Yes. [BOOTH and HANNAH kiss] (CUT TO CABINS IN TAYLOR NATIONAL PARK - BOOTH, BRENNAN and PARK RANGER GARY NESBITT) PARK RANGER GARY NESBITT: If George Clooney had been up here I'm sure I'd remember him. BOOTH: That's not funny. BRENNAN: Apparently its not a very accurate sketch. PARK RANGER GARY NESBITT: I'm sorry I don't recognize either one of them. Hundreds of people come to the park everyday. BOOTH: It was worth a shot. PARK RANGER GARY NESBITT: The cabins are inspected weekly. If anything was found I'm sure it would be in the lost and found. BRENNAN: There doesn't seem to be anything in the cabin. PARK RANGER GARY NESBITT: I, er filled out my application like you said. You know if we work well together maybe you could give me a recommendation. Brothers in arms and all. BOOTH: We'll see what happens. BRENNAN: Look at this Booth. BOOTH: Wow. Look at all these names, huh, we're talking 'bout a love shack. (Amused) PARK RANGER GARY NESBITT: Couples have been known to use the shelter for a romantic interlude. BRENNAN: Like a fig tree. PARK RANGER GARY NESBITT: Beg your pardon. BOOTH: Nothing. I like figs. Look at this. This is fresh. 9/13 the day they died. BRENNAN: HF. Hilary Fuller. BOOTH: Yeah but who is FV. (CUT TO JEFFERSONIAN -PLATFORM- BRENNAN and CLARK look at findings on computer) CLARK: I was trying anything that would get us an ID on our mystery man so I analyzed his Strontium isotope composition of his teeth; now it indicated that the victim spent the first twenty or so years in Central America BRENNAN: Probably Guatemala based on the oxygen ratios. (CAM joins them bringing up her own results on computer) CAM: Well the remaining tissue I collected from his hands shows a high level of nicotine. CLARK: So, he had green tobacco sickness. BRENNAN: He was a migrant worker picking tobacco, which we might be we can't get a match for him. CLARK: So, the initials FV would be Spanish in origin? CAM: But Hilary Fuller was a college educated woman with a good job at a marketing firm. Why would she romantically involved with a migrant worker? BRENNAN: See if the victims share any additional genetic or environmental markers [SCENE_BREAK] (CUT TO DINER - BOOTH, SWEETS and BRENNAN eat at counter) SWEETS: She was a marketing director and he was a migrant worker. I can't believe they were a romantic couple. BOOTH: Just because they have different backgrounds, what, you're saying they can't be in love? BRENNAN: Your belief in the power of love is admiral Booth but an affair between these two is an anthropological anomaly SWEETS: Yeah, I mean crossing class boundaries that extreme would be rare and indicate that our victims had something in common that we haven't discovered yet. BOOTH: So its not possible for two people to overcome their differences? BRENNAN: We couldn't. BOOTH: What? SWEETS: She right. BOOTH: What? This is not about us. BRENNAN: Sometimes when I was away I would imagine us together. (Both BOOTH and SWEETS look at her in shock) SWEETS: Really? BRENNAN: Well, while pleasant it was clearly a fantasy because we are also anomalies you were lucky enough to meet someone with whom you have parody. BOOTH: Love. With whom I have love. SWEETS: You guys want to talk about this. BOOTH: Nope. SWEETS: No, 'cause I figure that now Hannah is a part of your life- BOOOTH: Why don't you focus on what connected them if they were so incompatible. OK, that's easy enough for you to do. (BRENNAN'S phone rings) BRENNAN: (Answers her phone) Brennan. (INTERCUT TO LAB - CLARK and CAM) CLARK: I found the connection. Osteopenia. Both victims exhibit low bone mass and suppressed bone formation BRENNAN: They were alcoholics SWEETS: Oh that's the connection. CLARK: Now although Hilary Fuller's bones were still weak her osteoblasts did show evidence of a recent increase in bone growth sufficient to show she hadn't been drinking for at least two years. CAM: I did a count on the male victims osteoblasts too and found that they were also returning to normal. BRENNAN: So he had also stopped drinking. CAM: But according to the figures only within the last year. BRENNAN: Alright thanks. (Hangs up) So both of them had stopped drinking, she more than 2 years ago, he less than a year BOOTH: I know the connection. AA. (CUT TO AA MEETING - BOOTH and BRENNAN) BOOTH: Excuse me (flashes his badge at HANK) FBI. I see you're wearing your chip so you have probably been coming here a little while, huh? HANK: This is a safe environment. We don't want to rat out our friends here. BOOTH: Just want to ask you a few questions about Hilary Fuller. She used to live in this area so this was probably her meeting. HANK: I ain't talking to no cop. LORRAINE ALLEN: Don't be such an asshat Hank. (He walks off) I knew Hilary. What happened did she fall of the wagon? BRENNAN: No but she is dead. We believe murdered. LORRAINE ALLEN: God! BOOTH: You still haven't learned how to ease into that one, right Bones. BRENNAN: Do you recognize this man? LORRAINE ALLEN: He killed her? He seemed so nice in the movies. BRENNAN: No, this is the other victim who was found with Hilary; his initials are FV. LORRAINE ALLEN: FV. Oh, Felix. He does kinda look like George Clooney. Wait. I, I... I can't believe this. Felix is gone too. BRENNAN: They were found in Taylor National Park in a cave. LORRAINE ALLEN: Makes sense. BOOTH: Why's that? LORRAINE ALLEN: If Hilary was sponsoring someone she would take them into the woods so they could get in touch with themselves. BOOTH: Its a good way to assess the, you know, damages they've done in their lives and make amends. LORRAINE ALLEN: Yeah. You in the program? BOOTH: Well, I'm a gambler but I haven't laid a bet in years but I do miss the coffee here though. BRENNAN: Were Hilary and Felix romantically involved? LORRAINE ALLEN: Its not supposed to happen with your sponsor but they just kinda clicked and he was having some trouble as home. I guess his girlfriend was jealous because Hilary was helping Felix stay sober. BOOTH: Right. And they were falling in love. LORRAINE ALLEN: That too. I guess his girlfriend couldn't handle it. That's life right. Things change. (BOOTH and BRENNAN share a heavy look, they know what she means) BRENNAN: Uh, do you know where we can find Felix's girlfriend? (CUT TO FBI INTEROGATION ROOM - BOOTH and FELIX'S GIRLFRIEND) LUPE ROJAS: Felix was no saint. He might have a been a teacher in Guatemala but here he was just a drunk. You have his record there. BOOTH: Right. Drunk and disorderly, buying alcohol for a minor, petty theft - not major crimes. LUPE ROJAS: You're defending him now. That kid he bought booze for got into an accident or something. BOOTH: I'm just trying to find out who killed Felix and right now you're looking like a good suspect LUPE ROJAS: Nah, Screw you man. BOOTH: Screw me? LUPE ROJAS: Yeah, screw you. I was always there for him. I bailed the b*st*rd out of jail. I cleaned him up after he was so drunk he slept in the street and then he cheats on me... BOOTH: You don't seem too upset to find out he's dead. LUPE ROJAS: You live with a drunk, you expect them to die. I guess I was ready. BOOTH: Right, so, you weren't needed anymore once he got sober, right. LUPE ROJAS: I wasted my time with him. He wasn't a real man. A real man can take a drink and he can still party. He was not a man. BOOTH: He was to another woman. That must have made you angry. Why didn't you report him missing? LUPE ROJAS: Because I just thought he run off with that bitch. BOOTH: So you followed him to the woods just to make sure that it was true. LUPE ROJAS: You found him in the woods. I got allergies I don't go to the woods. BOOTH: Well people do crazy things when they're angry. Can you account where you were on the 13th Lupe? LUPE ROJAS: I don't have to talk to you. I don't have to say anything. (CUT TO BOOTH'S APARTMENT -Bedroom- Clothes scattered everywhere - laughing. BOOTH and HANNAH) HANNAH: Well, this is the best lunch I've had in a long time. BOOTH: Yeah. HANNAH: You want desert? (Booth laughs - they kiss) BOOTH: I gotta get back to work (Hannah groans) There's always dinner, right? HANNAH: You and Brennan... you two seem solid. BOOTH: Well, it happens after working together for what, five years. HANNAH: You know, I, I'm a little jealous actually. BOOTH: What you actually think there is something going on between me and Bones? HANNAH: No, not that, unless there's something I should know? BOOTH: No of course not. HANNAH: I guess I'm just jealous of what you two do together - the action, in the field. BOOTH: Ah. So, the Armed Service committee is not doing it for you? HANNAH: Nah, I think I'm the only one in the press core who refuses to write its stories from the press releases. BOOTH: You're gonna make trouble whilst your here aren't ya? HANNAH: As much as possible. Isn't that why you love me? BOOTH: Its definitely one of the reasons. I gotta get back to work, Hannah. HANNAH: I know. I know but I'm trouble remember. (She yanks him back into bed) (CUT TO JEFFERSONIAN LAB - FOYER- CAM is pushing a trolley with tires on it HODGINS walks over) HODGINS: Alright! CAM: I was told these are for you. HODGINS: Yes, these are the tires from Lupe Rojas' car. She denies going to the park but Booth doesn't believe her. CAM: And if she's lying the treads should contain insect and plant matter that could place her there. HODGINS: Exactly. You know, you could be my lovely assistant. CAM: Yes but since I'm your boss you're my lovely assistant. HODGINS: Ah. yeah. Right. At least I'm lovely. (CUT TO: THE PLATFORM AROUND THE REMAINS) CLARK: I've re-examined the injuries but I haven't found anything new. BRENNAN: And why do you think that is? CLARK: Because there is nothing new? BRENNAN: Because you have been looking at them as if both victims were attacked and beaten. CLARK: Of course. Wasn't that your supposition? BRENNAN: Yes but was it yours because an assistant who doesn't think for himself has no value to me CLARK: OK but I thought that I... BRENNAN: No you didn't that's the point. You repeated an inconclusive assumption that I made without all the evidence, evidence by the way that you were supposed to supply whilst I was busy with other duties. (CAM approaches) CLARK: OK. I'm going to assume that I missed something. BRENNAN: Yeah, I can guarantee that you missed something. Perhaps this is the reason that you didn't get your promotion in Chicago CAM: Dr Brennan! BRENNAN: If you hope to redeem yourself in my eyes you will look at these remains and tell me exactly what it is that you missed. CAM: I'm guessing that this about more than a mistake made by an assistant. BRENNAN: Why you think that? Do you know what she's talking about? (Asks CLARK).. CLARK: Yes but I'd prefer to focus on my own failings at this moment. CAM: Someone has altered your relationship with Booth Dr Brennan- BRENNAN: Do you mean Hannah? CAM: Yes. Whether or not you're happy for him you have to have feelings about it and if you can't keep it out of the work place- CLARK: Oh my God! CAM: I'm sorry Dr Eddison but sometimes our personal lives directly affect our work. CLARK: No. no. I see what Dr. Brennan means. These two people weren't beaten at all. BRENNAN: You see this is about nothing more than Dr. Eddison's incompetence. CLARK: That's very kind. CAM: But if they weren't beaten then why did Dr. Hodgins find traces of sedimentary rock in their wounds. CLARK: Because they fell on rocks and she broke his fall which is why his injuries weren't as severe. BRENNAN: Very good. You see I was merely helping Dr. Eddison to be a better scientist. CAM: I apologize Dr. Brennan. BRENNAN: Accepted. Those people in Chicago were foolish to lose you Dr. Eddison. CLARK: Thank you. BRENNAN: Its actually quite amusing to think that Hannah would ever affect my work. (As bones walks off Cam and Clark share a disagreeing look) (Cut to Angela's office and the Angelator) ANGELA: So I input put all the injuries and breaks that were found on both the victims. BRENNAN: You can see that they share mirror fractures on their chests and pelvises. CLARK: the compression fractures that they share are because he landed on top of her. BRENNAN: This also explains why the zygomatic and maxilla are shattered. His face struck the rocks directly. ANGELA: Now here are the injuries on her back and I found some photographs of the area surrounding the cave, I used topographical overlay software to find the rocks that would match their injuries. So this section of the rocks here is the section that matches their injuries, its about 250ft from the cave. CAM: Well with the amount of blood loss they were both suffering they couldn't have made it any farther. (CUT TO THE PARK -the rocks ANGELA pointed out- BOOTH, BRENNAN and PARK RANGER GARY NESBITT) BRENNAN: This is the spot. BOOTH: Well, I want a forensic team to come and bust through all these rocks. BRENNAN: They fell from up there. PARK RANGER GARY NESBITT: Maybe it was a suicide thing? BOOTH: Nah, uh uh. There was no note and everyone who knew them said they were pretty happy. BRENNAN: What's up there? PARK RANGER GARY NESBITT: Its a vista point. Beautiful view. Its just tough to access. Usually only experienced hikers go up there. BOOTH: Well Hilary was experienced. She brought people from the program up here. PARK RANGER GARY NESBITT: Program? BOOTH: Yeah, AA. BRENNAN: So, there wouldn't be a lot of people up there, so no one would see if someone pushed the couple of the cliff. PARK RANGER GARY NESBITT: Uh no. I guess not. (Booths phone rings) BOOTH: (He answers it) Great thanks. That was Hodgins. Lupe lied. He found evidence in her tire treads that she was up here. (CUT TO JEFFERSONIAN FOYER - BOOTH and BRENNAN escort LUPE in) LUPE ROJAS: This place is freaky. Why are we here? Is this some kind of torture place? BRENNAN: We're just going to verify your story. LUPE ROJAS: I didn't kill them. BOOTH: Oh, really? Then why did you lie about going to the park? LUPE ROJAS: Because I knew you wouldn't believe me if you knew I drove out there. BOOTH: Well, now that you lied I believe you even less. LUPE ROJAS: I'm telling you that I got allergies. I followed them but then I started sneezing up there, my eyes puffed up, I couldn't see so I went home. BRENNAN: Are you ready? (Asks the approaching Hodgins) HODGINS: Ready BOOTH: Ready. Ready, Ready. LUPE ROJAS: Ready, ready for what? I'm not ready. What are those? BOOTH: Well, you know you said you followed them to the top of the trail but couldn't go up any further... LUPE ROJAS: Because I was sneezing and stuff, yeah? HODGINS: Yeah, so we're going to do a little experiment. CLARK: I feel really uncomfortable about this. We usually don't do experiments live humans. HODGINS: I know. Should be fun! LUPE ROJAS: You said you were going to give me a chance to clear myself. BOOTH: We are. Unless you want me to lock you up for a few weeks until a public defender comes along and takes your case, that's up to you. What do you think? BRENNAN: These are plants that grow at the higher altitudes in the park. Chocolate Honeysuckle, Red Twig Dogwood and Russian Hawthorne. HODGINS: Lets start with that one. (Clark waves it under LUPE'S nose, she sniff, nothing) LUPE ROJAS: What are you witches, because my grandmother knows spells? HODGINS: Okay next one. CLARK: This is dogwood. (She takes a short sniff) BOOTH: Not looking good Lupe. CLARK: And this is honey suckle. (She sniffs and sneezes suddenly.) BOOTH: Jesus. (Clark smirks) LUPE ROJAS: Get it away (Clark sneezes) HODGINS: Clark why didn't you say you were allergic? CLARK: I didn't know. (Hands the jar to HODGINS) LUPE ROJAS: I'm calling my Grandma. BRENNAN: She's telling the truth booth. These are severe. She wouldn't have been able to continue following them up there. (LUPE and CLARK continue sneezing) HODGINS: (Finally) I'm going to get an antihistamine. (CAM walks in as HODGINS walks out) CAM: I think I found something. (CUT TO CAM'S LAB - THE AUTOPSY ROOM) CAM: Most of the flesh was decomposed or eaten by parasites except for this area around his eye and cheek. BRENNAN: The flesh is desiccated and seems to be untouched by scavengers. BOOTH: If they ate everything else then why would the animals avoid that? CAM: That's what I asked myself so I did an analysis of the tissue and compared it with the tissue I took off other parts of the remains, this tissue from around his eye contains Capsaicin BRENNAN: Pepper spray. CAM: Yes but at a very high concentration. Government issue. The scavengers wouldn't touch it. BOOTH: Wait a second. Forest services issues a highly concentrated spray to park rangers who encounter bears or other aggressive animals. (CUT TO WOODS: PARK RANGER GARY NESBITT, BOOTH AND BRENNAN) BOOTH: We looked at Felix' rap sheet a little closer and the minor he bought liquor for was your niece BRENNAN: She drank to much and got into a car accident BOOTH: And she died. Isn't that right Gary? PARK RANGER GARY NESBITT: I saw him hiking with that woman. I recognized him from court. They went up to the cabin and I followed them. BOOTH: You know your sister in law's been through enough, she lost her husband in Afghanistan and then her daughter. PARK RANGER GARY NESBITT: Its not fair. BRENNAN: Neither was killing those two people. PARK RANGER GARY NESBITT: They let him off with a slap on the wrist, counseling that's crap, he needed to pay. We're both soldiers you understand. BOOTH: No I don't get that. PARK RANGER GARY NESBITT: Come on man, when we were over there we took care of business, we didn't wait for some trial. BRENNAN: What about the woman? PARK RANGER GARY NESBITT: She was defending him. Saying that he turned his life around. Collateral damage, it happens. BOOTH: This isn't war, Gary. PARK RANGER GARY NESBITT: He killed Sarah. She never had a chance to turn her life around. BOOTH: So you sprayed him with pepper spray and pushed him of a cliff. PARK RANGER GARY NESBITT: I did the right thing, for Sarah and my brother. Nobody is ever going to tell me I didn't do the right thing. (CUT TO EVENING --FOUNDING FATHERS- BOOTH AND BRENNAN) BOOTH: Its sad you know, but at least they died in each others arms. BRENNAN: How could that have made their deaths any less horrible? BOOTH: Well because it was love. I mean... I mean, if you're going to go its best to go with someone you love. BRENNAN: No but he didn't have to go. He could have walked father and gotten some help, at least one of them would have lived. BOOTH: Well he couldn't leave her, that, that's what love is. BRENNAN: So you're saying that love is foolish and illogical? BOOTH: No, its thinking of someone before yourself. Its giving your life if necessary to that person, its, its love. BRENNAN: And if that person falls out of love and meets someone else, those selfless acts would suddenly appear to be dangerously irresponsible wouldn't they? BOOTH: No, it was still love. BRENNAN: Well, uh, I could never live like that. Survival is the human imperative, if we don't look out for ourselves nothing else matters. BOOTH: That's not true, you know that Bones. That's not true. You know that. BRENNAN: You're experiencing a rush of Dopamine, Norepinephrine and Serotonin with Hannah, those feelings are wonderful, I've felt them, but I won't rely on the transient nature of chemicals for my happiness. (Hannah walks in) BOOTH: There she is. Wow. HANNAH: Hey. BOOTH: Wow. That's a dress. (They kiss) HANNAH: Hey Temperance. BRENNAN: Hello. HANNAH: So you guys catch a bad guy? BRENNAN: Yes it was a park ranger with a perverse sense of justice. HANNAH: Ah. So this is like a post criminal drink? BOOTH: Yeah. Its a post... You want one? HANNAH: I'll have one or two or three at dinner. We should go we're be late. BOOTH: Yeah, we should get going. HANNAH: (Turns to BRENNAN) Do you want to go? BRENNAN: Oh no, thanks. I have to catalog all the forensics. BOOTH: Clark can do it. BRENNAN: I don't mind. Have a good night. BOOTH: So, I'll see you tomorrow then. (Booth tugs Hannah towards the door, she breaks free and sidles up to Brennan) HANNAH: Um one night, you and me, girls night out, we'll dish about Seeley. BOOTH: Come on lets go (jokingly pulls her away) (Bones is left alone nursing her drink)

When the remains of a couple are discovered in a cave at National Park, the team must piece together the identity of the man and the woman as well as solve the crime. After interrogating two viable suspects, the team identifies the woman as a marketing executive who also served as her partner's AA sponsor, providing clues that lead them to expose the truth. Meanwhile, Booth's girlfriend and Afghanistan war correspondent, Hannah Burley, makes a surprise visit. After meeting Burley and sensing the couple's genuine happiness, Brennan re-evaluates her own relationship with Booth, and he tries to teach her that love is not always logical.

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Act One. SHHH! THEY'RE HERE Scene One - The Frasier Crane Show. Frasier is at his console; Roz is in her booth. Frasier: In the greater Seattle area, the number is 555-KACL. We've got a number of lines open, so please give us a call. [to Roz] Now who's up next, Roz? Roz: We have Pam on line four. She's having a problem with her family. Frasier: [presses a button] Hello, Pam. This is Dr Frasier Crane; I'm listening. Pam: [v.o.] Hi. It's my in-laws. It's just that, well... they drop over all the time without calling first, and they expect us to stop what we're doing and entertain them. Frasier: Well, they're your husband's parents - what does he suggest? Pam: [v.o.] The other day, he had us drop to the floor and stay quiet until they drove away. Frasier: A creative approach, but hardly a long-term solution. Pam: [v.o.] Well I, I thought about saying something, but I'm afraid I'll hurt their feelings. Frasier: Well, then you have a choice. Either you risk hurting their feelings, or you spend the rest of your life diving for cover whenever they happen to drop on by... The sound of a doorbell is heard. Pam: [v.o.; whispering] Shhh! They're here! Frasier: Who... your in-laws? Pam: [v.o.] Shh! Yes. Frasier: [whispering] Well then, why don't you just take this opportunity to... [stops whispering] Oh, for pete's sake! Why don't you just tell them how you feel? Pam: [v.o.; whispering] Okay! Okay, I will next time, I promise! Thanks, Dr. Crane. Pam hangs up. Roz signals to Frasier. Frasier: Yes... ah, well, as, er, [presses a button] Pam belly- crawls across her living room, let's take a moment for this message from... [checks the copy] "Carpet Fresh." He presses a button and takes off his headphones. Frasier: How's that for a segue? [laughs] HOW MANY SHARKS DIED...? Scene Two - Frasier's apartment. Daphne is standing at the dinner table, sorting some laundry. Frasier and Martin, returning from a shopping trip, enter from the front door. Frasier: I just don't think it's very smart to make rude gestures at other drivers! Martin: He cut you off! Frasier: That doesn't matter! You, you do not antagonize a man whose bumper sticker says, "If you're close enough to read this, I'll kill you!" Martin: Big talk from a Volvo. Daphne: I see you've found yourself a new suit. Martin: Oh, wait till you see it, Daph - it's a beaut! Daphne: Let's have a look! Martin: Oh, can't let you see it on the hanger; I'll model it for you! He leaves for his room. Daphne picks up a pair of "knickers" and begins to flap them vigorously. Daphne: What a nice son you are, buying your father a new suit. Frasier: Well, it didn't quite work out the way I planned, but er... [notices] Daphne, what are you doing? Daphne: Fluffing your knickers. If you don't mind my saying so, you're losing some of your elasticity. She stretches the waistband of the knickers. Frasier: Well, I appreciate everything you're doing, Daphne, [takes them] but a man's knickers are certainly... [feels them; surprised] Ooh... [presses them against his face] How'd you get them so... soft? Daphne: Fabric softener [takes the knickers from him] and twice through the fluff cycle. [continues "fluffing"] Frasier: Oh, well keep up the good work! [laughs] The phone rings. Frasier gets it. Frasier: [on the phone] Hello? Yes. Well, hi Niles. Well, of course you can come by! Great! I'll, I'll see you there! Frasier puts the phone down and goes to the door. He opens it: it is Niles, and he has just finished using his mobile phone. Frasier: Hi Niles, good to see you! Niles enters. Frasier closes the door. [N.B. After this episode, it may be a LONG time before Niles thinks to call before dropping by.] Frasier: Thanks for calling first. Niles: Well, I heard your show today. I wouldn't dream of popping by unannounced. Frasier: Ah... Niles: Actually, I was in the neighborhood, and I've come to beg a favor. Er, my housekeeper Mary is a very big fan of your little radio program. Frasier: [pleased] Is she? Niles: Yes. Well, what she lacks in taste, she makes up for in vigor. [puts his briefcase down] She'd like an autographed photo. Frasier: Oh well, it'd be my pleasure. [to Daphne] Daphne, this is my brother Niles. [leaves to get the photo] Niles sees Daphne for the first time, and is pleasantly surprised, to say the least. Daphne just smiles at him. Niles: Hmm... you're Daphne? Daphne: Why, yes I am. Niles: Well, I... Niles goes over to her eagerly, and they shake hands; he holds on, a little lost for words. Niles: When Frasier told me he'd hired an Englishwoman, I pictured someone a little more... not quite so... you're Daphne? Daphne: It's nice to meet you. She takes her hand away and gets back to sorting the laundry. Frasier returns with a photo. Niles: Well, what a lovely accent. Is that, er, Manchester? Daphne: Yes. How'd you know? Niles: Oh, ha! I'm quite the anglophile; I'm sure Frasier and dad have already told you. Frasier sits on the couch, preparing to sign the photo. Niles, still enraptured by Daphne, absent-mindedly picks up a pair of Frasier's knickers. Daphne: No, they didn't mention it. Niles: Ah... you undoubtedly guessed as much when they said I'd spent a year studying at Cambridge. Daphne: No, they didn't mention that, either. Niles: I guess my father and brother don't spend a lot of time talking about me when I'm not around! [starts to feel the knickers] Daphne: Oh, I wouldn't say that... Frasier: [gets up, having signed the photo] Niles, here's your picture... He notices that Niles is pressing the knickers against his face. Frasier: DO YOU MIND?! He grabs the pair of knickers from Niles and throws them back onto the dinner table. While he glowers, Niles takes the photo and walks over to his briefcase. Niles: [reads] "Mary, here's wishing you good mental health: Frasier Crane." Niles puts the photo in his briefcase. Martin returns, wearing his new suit; it is an odd, dark red or brown color and looks distinctly cheap. Martin: Fits like a glove. Hi, Niles! Niles: Hey, dad... [notices his suit] Wow. Martin: How do I look? Niles: Wow. Daphne: [to Niles] Dr. Crane took your father shopping to Armani this afternoon. Niles: [incredulous] You got that at Armani? Martin: Just like I told you, Frasier - he can't tell the difference! Frasier: Well, we were on our way to Armani, when dad spotted this in the window of a discount clothing store. Daphne picks up all of the laundry. Martin: It's sharkskin! [waves his forearm] Look at the way it changes color when I move my arm! Niles stares at him, less than impressed. Daphne, carrying the laundry, goes over to Martin. Daphne: [to Martin] You're going to be the handsomest gent at your friend's retirement party. Now come on, let's go and hang it up before it gets wrinkled. Martin: Oh, it's supposed to resist wrinkles. They had one in the display window winded up inside a mayonnaise jar! Martin and Daphne leave. Niles: Frasier, is he our real father? Frasier: Now don't start that again - we've been having this discussion since we were children. Niles: [goes towards the kitchen] But that suit! Frasier: Well it's not just the suit, it's, it's his taste in everything! Clothing, films, music... Reset to the kitchen. Niles has just entered and goes about making himself a drink. Frasier enters. Niles: Outside of our last name and abnormally well-developed calf muscles, we have nothing in common with the man. Frasier: Well, thank goodness we took after mum. Niles: So how come he didn't acquire any of her... sophistication? Frasier: Well, maybe he was too busy working his tail off so that we could have the nicer things. Niles: Mmm. Frasier: You know Niles, maybe it's time we tried to pay him back in some way. Expose him to some of the finer things, so that he'd stop lumbering through life like some great polyester dinosaur. Niles: I don't know. Dad's so set in his ways. Frasier: Well, we all are at some point in our lives. Remember when you used to think the 1812 Overture was a great piece of classical music? Niles: [shakes his head wistfully] Was I ever that young? Frasier: Well, you and I have to broaden dad's horizons. Show him the world that he's only read about in TV Guide. Niles: How about an evening of fine dining? Frasier: Perfect... but where? Frasier& Niles: [excited] Le Cigare Volant! Frasier: [ecstatic, wrings his hands] Hah! Niles: [suddenly calm] But can we really get in? I've been trying for months. Frasier: Oh, puh-leeze. Niles, you're forgetting the cache my name carries in this town. Niles: Actually, I'm not. If the maitre d' happens to be a housewife, we're in. Frasier: Niles, you are so mean. Frasier leaves the kitchen, with Niles following. Reset to outside the kitchen. Frasier: I'll just call information. Niles: Oh, no need; I have it on speed dial. Niles takes out his mobile phone and hands it to Frasier. Frasier: Oh. Thank you. [on Niles's phone] Hello, this is Dr Frasier Crane. Yes, the one on the radio. [looks at Niles, triumphantly] Say... any chance of, er, getting a table for four on Saturday at er, say... eight, hmm? Merci, a bient t ! [shuts Niles's phone, laughs] We're in! They do a high-five. Martin, back in his casual clothing, returns. Martin: Niles, can I get you a beer? Some pork rinds? Niles: [rubs his sore post-high-five hand] No thanks. Em... Frasier: Dad, Niles and I and Maris would like you to join us for dinner on Saturday night at, Le Cigare Volante - it's one of the hottest new restaurants in town. Martin: Ah, gee, I don't know, I... Niles: Oh, oh-oh-oh, the food is to die for! Martin: Niles, your country and your family are to die for; food is to eat. [sits in The Armchair] Look, I appreciate the offer, but I wouldn't like it. Frasier: Oh dad, how do you know if you don't try it? Martin: Well, I didn't have to get shot in the hip with a .38 to know I wouldn't like that. Frasier: Yes, but, dad, it'll give us a chance to have an evening all together as a family. You know, Niles and I really want to do this for you. Martin: Oh... alright. Frasier and Niles do another high-five, which means more sore hands. Frasier: [laughs] We're gonna have the best time! Martin: Hey - it'll give me a chance to wear my new suit again, too! Frasier: [to Niles] And won't that be nice? HONEY, DON'T Scene Three: KACL; Roz's booth, before show time. Roz is doing some administrative stuff, and Frasier is sipping a coffee. Frasier: So, how do the calls look today? Roz: Well, we've got a couple of jilted lovers, a man who's afraid of his car, a manic depressive, and three people who feel their lives are going nowhere. Frasier: Oh, I love a Monday. So how was your weekend? Roz: I had the most hellacious date of my life. First, he asks me to pick him up from work. Then, I stop for gas - I have to pump it myself while he just sits there reading the sports section. So I take him back to my place and make him my famous sweet and sour shrimp; I'm in the middle of cooking, I ask him to hand me the honey, and he gets this freaked-out look on his face and says he can't because he has a deathly fear of touching anything sticky. Frasier grimaces. Roz: I told him it was a new jar, but he didn't want to take any risks. Frasier: Roz, where do you meet these people? Roz: [indignant] I answered his ad! [gestures towards the studio] You got thirty seconds - you'd better get in there. Frasier: Not yet. Roz: Oh, no... Frasier: Roz, are you ready? Roz: [reluctant] Don't make me do this... Frasier: Come on, we do this every Monday! Roz: You do this every Monday. I play along! Frasier: Come on! Roz picks up some sheaves of paper. Frasier: [enthusiastic] Who's got the best talk show in Seattle? Roz: [waves the paper around like a half-hearted cheerleader] We do. We do. Frasier: [shakes his fist] Alright! Roz sits at her console; Frasier enters the studio. Scene Four: Frasier's apartment. Eddie is asleep on the couch. The balcony doors are open; the sound of traffic and other city noises can be heard. A snazzily-suited Frasier, holding a glass of sherry, returns from the balcony and shuts the doors. Daphne enters from her room. Daphne: We-ell! Aren't you a bobby dazzler? Frasier: Well, I'll go out on a limb and take that as a compliment. Daphne gets her coat. Frasier: Where are you off to? Daphne: I'm going to poker night. Frasier: I wouldn't have pegged you as a card player. Daphne puts her coat on. The doorbell rings; Frasier goes to get it. Daphne: It's mostly social. Me and the girls just bumping the gums. No-one ever loses more than five or six hundred dollars. Frasier opens the door. It is Niles; he is carrying a small paper bag and looks somewhat excitable. Frasier: Hi, Niles! Niles: Hello. [enters] Frasier: Where's Maris? Are you two taking separate elevators again? Niles: Oh, no. I'm afraid Maris is having one of her episodes. Frasier: [closes the door] Ah... Niles: In the middle of dressing for the evening, she suddenly slumped down on the edge of the bed in her half-slip and sighed. Course, I knew then and there that dinner was not to be. Frasier: I'm sorry. [comforts Niles] Niles: Yes, well, I'll just have to make the best of it... [strides over to Daphne] Hi-ho, Daphne, you're looking luminous this evening! Frasier watches this suspiciously. Daphne: Why thank you, Dr. Crane. Frasier: [to Niles] What's in the bag? Niles: Er, just a little treat I picked up for dad: some Devonshire Clotted Cream. Frasier: For... dad? Daphne: I love Devonshire Clotted Cream. Niles: Isn't that lucky - you two can share it. [gives the bag to her] Daphne: I'll just go and pop this in the fridge. She leaves for the kitchen. Niles gazes after her, dreamily. Frasier: Sherry, Niles? Niles: Thank you. Frasier goes to get the sherry. Niles is still gazing off-screen after Daphne. Niles: I'm having a thought, Frasier. Since Maris has sadly dropped out and we do have an extra space, perhaps we should invite Daphne to join us for the evening. I mean, it is a table for four and, and three is such an awkward number, you know, at a, at a dinner. Frasier gives Niles a glass of sherry and a suspicious look. Frasier: What are you doing? Niles: Nothing, nothing... [realizes] Oh, for goodness sake, Frasier! I'm a happily married man! Maris means the world to me. Why, just the other day I kissed her for no reason whatsoever. He is about to sit down on the couch when he sees that Daphne has returned. Daphne: Well, I'm off to my poker game. [to Niles] It was nice seeing you again, Dr. Crane... She shakes his hand, and holds on. Daphne: Oh, wait a minute! I'm getting something on you... Frasier: [to Niles] She's psychic. We've decided to find it charming. Daphne: You have occasional bouts of colitis, don't you? Niles: [entranced] Yes! Daphne takes her hand away and goes to the door. Niles can't keep his eyes off her. Niles: Frasier...she's phenomenal! Daphne: [at the door] It's a gift. Well, cheerio! Niles: Ta-ta! She leaves. Frasier: Niles, you've never had colitis a day in your life! Niles: I know, but I couldn't bear to disappoint her... Martin enters. He is wearing his casual clothes. Martin: 'Kay! I'm ready to go! Frasier: Ah, ah, dad, what's happened to your suit? Martin: Oh, it's at the cleaners. I got some creamed chicken on it at Phil's retirement dinner last night. You can't keep anything nice. Niles: Well, well, I-I-I-I'm sure the Cigare Volante has a dress code... Frasier: Er Niles, may I borrow your phone? Niles takes out his mobile phone and hands it to Frasier. Frasier: Thank you so much. Martin: Where's Maris? Niles: Episode. Martin: [unsurprised] Oh. Frasier: [on phone] Yes hello, this is Dr Frasier Crane; I have a reservation tonight. I'm calling to enquire about your, minimum dress code. [worried] Crane. Frasier. Doctor! [very worried] Well, what do you... we've had the reservation for over a week! [off the phone, angry] They've lost our reservation. Niles: Give me that. [takes the phone] Listen, this is Dr. Niles Crane. I've never been treated so shabbily in my entire life and I've a good mind to come over there and create an embarrassing scene. Frasier: Niles, they've already hung up. Niles: Ah... thank God! [closes his phone and pockets it] Well, what now, Frasier? It's Saturday night, quarter-to-eight, and we-we're not going to get in anywhere. Martin: Hey, I know! Why don't I take us all to The Timber Mill? Niles: The... Timber Mill? Martin: Oh, it's great! You can get a steak this thick for eight- ninety-five! [indicates a brick-like thickness] Niles: Ah... honestly, dad, that doesn't sound like the kind of restaurant we'd like. Martin: Well, I was willing to go to your place. Frasier: Er, dad, I I think we'd better just er, take a rain check. Martin: Oh gee, I was looking forward to spending an evening with you boys. But we can do it some other time. [sad] I'm sure Daphne's got something in the fridge I can heat up... He slowly hobbles over to the kitchen. Frasier and Niles watch him guiltily. Frasier: [suddenly upbeat] You know, on second thoughts I'm, I'm really in the mood for a good steak! Niles: [to Frasier] What? Martin turns around in surprise. Frasier: Well yes, you know, the point of the whole thing is not exactly where we have dinner, but that the three of us have an evening together as a family! Right? Martin: [excited] Ah, you won't be sorry! They've got five different toppings for your baked potato! Frasier: Ooh, did you hear that, Niles? Niles: I'm sold! Martin: [to Eddie] We'll bring you a bone, Eddie! Eddie does not respond. Martin: [to Frasier and Niles] He's ecstatic. End of Act One. Act Two. [SCENE_BREAK] TIM-BERRR! Scene One: The Timber Mill. A lively American restaurant with a homely, informal atmosphere. The staff are dressed in "country" garb and are serving what looks like an (almost) full house. Martin, Frasier and Niles enter. Martin looks very at home; his sons, however, are conspicuous both in their expensive suits and the disdainful attitude with which they regard the place. Martin: Quite a place, huh? Used to be a real working saw-mill! Frasier: [sarcastic] Until somebody stated the obvious and said: "Hey, let's turn this place into a restaurant!" Martin: I just walk in here and my mouth starts watering. There's nothing like the smell of charbroiled meat. Niles: This aroma's triggering a, a sense memory. Something familiar. It... oh, of course, Maris in her home tanning bed. The hostess greets them from behind the cash register. Hostess: Hi! Welcome to The Timber Mill. Frasier: [not without trepidation] You don't have a table for three... do you? Hostess: Sure, right this way. She leads them to a free table. Hostess: Is this your first visit to The Timber Mill? Frasier: Yes. Hostess: Well, we've got a dress code. Frasier: [worried] Oh well, couldn't you make an exception in this case? [gestures at Martin] His suit was at the cleaners- Hostess: Er, not him. You. She suddenly produces a big pair of scissors and snips off Frasier's tie below the knot; another waitress does the same to Niles. Hostess: [shouts] Tim-berrr! The other diners in the restaurant clap, cheer, and clang their cutlery. Frasier and Niles are in shock; Martin has been watching this "initiation ceremony" with amusement. The waitresses place their severed ties on what is now clearly a wall of dismembered cravates behind the counter. Frasier: [distraught] My tie! She, she cut off my tie! Martin: Gotcha! Ain't that great? Frasier: Well, why did she cut off my tie?! Martin: Oh, they've been doing it for years! They like to keep the place casual. Niles: Dad, you could have mentioned that to us. Martin: What, and spoil the fun? [laughs] Ah, cheer up! You get a free dessert! Frasier: Oh, boy. [calms down a bit] Well, I guess you're right, dad; it's just a tie... Niles: A Hugo Boss tie. They sit down: Frasier on the left, Niles on the right, and Martin between them. Niles, of course, obsessively cleans his chair beforehand. A lively waitress arrives with bread slices and butter. Waitress: Hi, can I get you guys something from the bar? Frasier: [weary] Oh dear God, yes. Niles: I'll have a Stoli Gibson on the rocks, with three pearl onions. Frasier: [firmly] If you bring him two, if you bring him four - he'll send it back. Waitress: And for you? Frasier: The same. Martin: I'll have a Ballantine. The waitress leaves. Martin tucks into the bread and butter. Niles: [to Frasier] Say, funny thing happened the other day: one of my patients had a rather amusing Freudian slip. He was having dinner with his wife, and he meant to say, "pass the salt," but instead he said, "You've ruined my life, you blood-sucking shrew." Frasier and Niles laugh at this. Martin: Bet she didn't like that. Niles: N-no, no dad, she didn't. [to Martin] Say, how was your buddy's retirement party last night? Martin: Oh, it was great. You know, I really miss those guys. Bad news, though. Remember Mo Hanson? The desk captain of my old precinct? Killed in a boating accident. Niles: Oh, I'm sorry. Martin: Yeah. Well, at least he went quick. Hank Grinsky - well, he had three bypasses before he went. Despite this, Martin has smeared an unhealthily large amount of butter onto his bit of bread. Martin: Jimmy Bourbon, he had this weird disease. I went to visit him in the hospital; by the time he died, his skin was all yellow, wasted away to nothing. Nice nurse, though - Betty, I think her name was. He pops the cholesterol-mungous bit of bread into his mouth, not noticing that Frasier and Niles have become somewhat uncomfortable with his choice of topic. The waitress arrives with their drinks. Waitress: I see we have a couple of first-timers here! Let me tell you how it works. Every entr e comes with soup or a trip to the salad bar: one trip only, please! Also included is our famous garlic cheese bread. A man pulls up a chunky wooden trolley in front of the table. Upon it are heaped various multicoloured, brick-thick slabs of raw flesh. Waitress: And now if you're ready, you can claim your steaks. Niles: Claim our steaks...? Martin: [points] You get to pick the cut you want off the beef trolley! Frasier and Niles, revolted, stare at it. Frasier: [hesitant] How much extra would I have to pay to get one from the refrigerator? Martin: [annoyed] Would you just pick your steak? Niles: I'll, I'd like a, a petite filet mignon, very lean - not so lean that it lacks flavour, but not so fat that it leaves drippings on the plate. And I don't want it cooked - just lightly seared on either side, pink in the middle; not a true pink, but not a mauve either, something in between. Bearing in mind the slightest error either way, and it's ruined. Waitress: ...Okay! [to Frasier] How about you? Frasier: Could I see the other side of that one? [points queasily at a steak] Martin: [gestures at the trolley] Just bring us those three: medium-rare, all the 'fixins. The waitress leaves and the beef trolley is wheeled away. Martin: [excited] Hey, come on! There's a lull at the salad bar! Martin gets up. Frasier looks resigned; Niles covers his eyes with his hand. Fade to black. Scene Two: The Timber Mill, later. They are halfway through their salads when a waiter takes away their plates. Martin: Isn't this great? They have the best Thousand Island Dressing in town. Frasier: I know, dad, I saw the plaque by the cash register. The waitress arrives with their main courses: steaks, baked potatoes with toppings, and other assorted bits. Waitress: Here we go: three boiled onions, medium-rare! Frasier: Wha-? We've barely touched our salads! Martin: Great service, huh? Niles: Yes. With any luck we should be completing our dining experience in less than twenty minutes. Waitress: If you're not ready I could put this under the heat lamp... Frasier: Oh no, no-no, that won't be necessary young lady, I'm as ready as I'll ever be... Waitress: Alright. Let me know if I can get you anything else. She leaves. Frasier: [to her back, sarcastic] Yes, thank you. Martin: You know, I don't mind you guys being tough on this place, but you could be a little nicer to the waitress. Frasier: You're right. I'll apologize when she comes with the dessert. Which should be any time now. They begin to eat. Or at least Martin does. Frasier chews unhappily while Niles picks over his potato as if he is dissecting a large insect. Martin: Sometimes there's nothing like a good steak. Frasier: I wish this was one of those times. Martin: What's wrong? Frasier: Well, I don't mean to complain, but... Martin: Well, then don't! For your information, these steaks come from prized beef raised at... [to Niles] What the hell are you doing? Niles: [still dissecting] Something seems to have fallen in my potato. Martin: Those are bacon bits! Niles: But I didn't ask for them. Martin: I ordered all the 'fixins. You got all the 'fixins. Niles: But I don't eat bacon because of the nitrates. Martin: No problem. They're artificial. They're made out of soy. Frasier: [sarcastic] They really look out for your health here, don't they? Niles and Frasier laugh. Martin: [annoyed] Everybody in this restaurant's enjoying the dinner. Can't you guys do the same? There are a few moments of peace as they eat. Then... Frasier: Niles... Niles: Mmm-hmm? Frasier: Is Maris organizing the... [smiles to himself] Arts Council benefit again, this year? Niles: [also smiling] Matter of fact, she is. Frasier: Where are they holding it? Niles: Well, they haven't picked a spot yet... perhaps I should tell them about this place! Frasier and Niles laugh. Martin is looking fed-up. Niles: I'd like to be a fly on the wall that night! Frasier: You wouldn't be the only one! Frasier and Niles laugh hysterically. Martin finally runs out of patience. Martin: Alright, that's it. [throws his napkin down on the table] I've had enough of you two jack-asses. I've spent the whole night listening to you making cracks about the food and the help. Well, I got news for you: people like this place. I like this place. And when you insult this restaurant, you insult me. [stands up] You know, I used to think you two took after your mother, liking the ballet and all that, but your mother liked a good ball game too. She even had a hot dog once in a while. [reaches into his pocket] She may have had fancy tastes, but she had too much class to ever make me or anybody else feel second-rate. [dumps some money onto the table] If she saw the way you two have behaved tonight, she'd be ashamed. I know I am. He turns his back to them and goes to leave. Frasier: Dad, wait! Frasier gets up and follows Martin. Martin: No, I'm going over to Duke's for a night-cap. Frasier: Well, at least let us take you there! Martin: [turns around] I'll take the cab! I've had enough of you two for one night. Leave the waitress a good tip. She deserves it. [turns back to the door ] Frasier: Niles, say something! Niles: [gets up] Dad, wait... He runs over to the doorway... Niles: ...the Mud Pie's coming! But Martin has left. Frasier and Niles walk, slowly, back to their table. Frasier: [mocking] "The Mud Pie's coming!" I feel terrible. Niles: Oh, so do I... They sit down again, minus Martin. Frasier: You know, the sad thing is, he's right about us. Niles: Have we really become such snobs? Frasier: You don't see anybody else driving their father out into the street to drink, do you? The waitress arrives to remove Martin's plate. She gives them a withering stare and whisks the plate away without a word. They are both mortified. Frasier: Niles, we... we've gotta apologize to dad. Niles: You're right. Frasier: We'll give him a couple of hours to cool down over at Duke's, and then when he gets home, we'll, we'll settle this thing. Niles: Absolutely. We've been just horrid. [glances at his plate] Frasier... do you think we've actually lost the ability to appreciate the simple things? Steak, potatoes... 'fixins? Frasier: I'm afraid so. [gestures at his plate] Well you know, the thing is, this-this is, this is good food! I mean, it's not too fancy but it's, it's, it's good, wholesome American fare! Niles: You know Frasier, as a tribute to dad, I think we should sit here until we have cleaned our plates. Frasier: Well, I'm game if you are! They tuck in, with enthusiasm - at least initially. Frasier: Going to prove that we are not snobs. Niles: Absolutely. Niles, however, cannot bring himself to eat his baked potato. He hatches a plan to dispose of it. Niles: Frasier... Frasier: Hmm? Niles: [gazing over Frasier's shoulder] Look who's here. Frasier turns around in his chair. While he is looking away, Niles takes his potato off his plate and tries to wrap it up in the napkin on his lap. Frasier turns back, sees what Niles is up to, and gives him a disapproving stare. Niles looks up, notices the stare, and sheepishly returns the potato to his plate. Frasier: [gesturing at Niles] Eat your meal! [SCENE_BREAK] The Timber Mill, even later. The restaurant seems to be closed: the diners are gone, the chairs are stacked upside-down on the tables, and a waiter is mopping the floor. The camera pans over and we see the Hostess and the Waitress slumped in two chairs, watching bored as Frasier and Niles, still at their table, struggle to finish their food.

Frasier and his brother, Niles, decide to treat Martin to a meal at fancy restaurant Le Cigare Volant in an attempt to improve his sense of style. Meanwhile, Niles meets Daphne for the first time and is instantly smitten, despite already being married.

fd_Alias_05x11

fd_Alias_05x11_0

Washington - exterior - A blue van drives by. Cut inside. Davenport lies inside - his nose is still broken from being hit by Jack, he's in hospital clothes and is wearing an oxygen mask. Two armed and fully-armored men sit in the back of the van with him. Davenport lowers his oxygen mask to speak. DAVENPORT: What's gonna happen with my family? GUARD: My orders are to deliver you to the airfield. I have no information beyond that. DAVENPORT: Could you find out? A car horn goes off. Guard 1 gets up to see what is going on. DAVENPORT: What's happening? Why did we stop? Guard looks out the front and sees that the traffic lights are green but the flatbed truck in front of them hasn't started moving yet. The truck in front responds to the horn from before and starts to move. GUARD: It's all right. We're on our way. Cut outside. Another truck crashes into Davenport's van at full speed then hurries away. The van turns on its side upon impact. DAVENPORT: They're here! God, they're here! One of Davenport's guards go outside to investigate with an "I'll go on" only to get shot down. Davenport screams. The other guard makes a distress call. GUARD: This is foxtrot. We're under attack! The remaining guard is killed as someone shoots at the van. Davenport gets up, slowly limping out the van. DAVENPORT: All right! Don't shoot! I'm coming out! [raises his hands] Don't sh-- Davenport gets shot in the leg, yelling as he falls down. DAVENPORT: Oh, god. [groans] An armed woman approaches Davenport as continues groaning in pain. He looks even more frightened when he recognises the woman. It's Irina. And she's not happy. DAVENPORT: Irina. IRINA: You've compromised our agenda, Jeffrey. DAVENPORT: No - I - I didn't do anything. This is all a mistake! Irina cocks her gun. DAVENPORT: Okay! I'm sorry. [pained] I'm sorry! IRINA: Tell me exactly what you said to my husband. Did you tell him about the Horizon? DAVENPORT: No! Of course not. No - you have to believe me. I swear! IRINA: [calmly with a slight smile] I do believe you. Irina shoots him twice in the head and walks away. LA - Hospital - Interior - A doctor enters Sydney's room as she sits waiting. DOCTOR: Sorry to keep you waiting, Agent Bristow. [closes the door behind him] I know Langley's anxious to debrief you. SYDNEY: Is my baby okay? DOCTOR: Yes. SYDNEY: You're sure? DOCTOR: I can't imagine what you went through on that ship. Having said that, the surgery they performed probably saved your pregnancy. You and your child are in great health, Agent Bristow. SYDNEY: Well, thank you. And call me 'Sydney'. I mean, if you're going to deliver this baby the next couple weeks we might as well get to know each other. There is a knock on the door and Dixon enters. DIXON: Hi. SYDNEY: Hey. DIXON: Uh, they told me you were done? DOCTOR: We'll see you next week. Cut to Sydney and Dixon exiting the hospital. DIXON: So are you okay? SYDNEY: Yeah, I'm fine. Do you mind if I borrow your phone? I wanna-- DIXON: The CIA released your father. SYDNEY: They did? DIXON: [nods] Davenport confessed. Apparently he cut a deal. Your father wants to see us before you contact APO. SYDNEY: Where is he? Cut to APO - Tom is at his desk. Rachel is finishing up talking to a co-worker RACHEL: Thanks. [walks towards Tom] Hey. TOM: Hey. What's up? RACHEL: Wanna go for a walk? TOM: Yeah. Tom sees Sloane talking with Devlin. Sloane gestures for Tom to come over. TOM: [to Rachel] Raincheck. I'll find you when I'm done. DEVLIN: ...authority is no way in question. This only temporary. SLOANE: Of course. I understand that. DEVLIN: Davenport and I came up together. I'm godfather to his eldest son. SLOANE: [a little dismissively] Yeah. DEVLIN: How are these people able to corrupt him? SLOANE: I have no idea. Agent Tom Grace, this is Director Devlin. Devlin and Tom shake hands. SLOANE: Director Devlin and his team will be auditing our investigation on Prophet-5. Will you assist him, please, with whatever he needs. TOM: [nodding] Sure. Of course. DEVLIN: Thank you. I'd - uh - for starters - like to see your sit reports and - uh - operation files. TOM: Right. Uh - I can get you your sit reps but we're performing diagnostic on the computer network. Files will take longer. It's just routine. DEVLIN: Who can provide me with admin privileges to your access logs? TOM: That's - uh - Rachel Gibson. She's over there. [points] DEVLIN: Thank you. [goes to Rachel's desk] TOM: What just happened? SLOANE: He wants to review the computer transactions to see if anyone provided Prophet-5 with Davenport's travel route. TOM: He thinks the leak came from this office. And the phone logs will reveal who it was. SLOANE: Apparently so. As Tom leaves, Sloane looks more and more apprehensive. Parking lot - Exterior - It's near the ocean - A car drives up to where Jack waits. Syd and Dixon exit their car to greet Jack. Sydney and Jack hug. JACK: You okay? SYDNEY: I'm fine. Okay, what's going on? Why are we meeting out here? JACK: Davenport's been killed. His transport was ambushed DIXON: That transport route was classified. The only people knew were-- SYDNEY: CIA. You think Prophet-5 has another mole inside the Agency? JACK: It seems so. Yes. There's more. As a condition of my release, Director Devlin has insisting we suspend our investigation of Prophet-5 until Langley's had a chance to review our findings. SYDNEY: We can't do that. JACK: I agree. Which means that as long as Devlin maintains a presence inside APO, we have to stop documenting our work. Operations will be compartmentalized to senior staff only. [to Sydney] When I came to see you at the hospital you wanted to tell me something - the reason Prophet-5 abducted you. SYDNEY: When I was on their ship, before the operation, they performed some kind of regression therapy. They wanted me to remember a cipher: "Leo 47 Norte". It was an entry on an Alliance organization chart Vaughn showed me years ago. JACK: Did you give them the intel? SYDNEY: Changed the phrase. DIXON: [remembering] "47 Norte"... It's a territorial designation in France. "Leo" designates a specific mission. JACK: I'll review the Alliance archives. Someone on that mission might still be alive. I want you on a plane to Paris. Assuming I'm successful, you'll be in a position to act quickly. [turns to Sydney] Make contact with Renee Rienne. Ask her to provide Dixon with whatever documentation he may need. SYDNEY: Okay. JACK: Then, I want you to go home and pack a bag. I'm moving you to a secure location. SYDNEY: No. JACK: It's just temporary. SYDNEY: Dad, don't be silly. I - I wanna help. JACK: [overlapping] Help. Yes, I know. For now, you need to go underground. Prophet-5 abducted you. I can't risk doing that again. Cut to - Sydney and Dixon's car DIXON: Don't blame your dad, Syd. He's only trying to protect you. SYDNEY: [whispers, looking down] Yeah. DIXON: What? SYDNEY: Do you remember what Dean said? That Prophet-5 had plans for me. Dixon nods. SYDNEY: They saved this baby for a reason. Why? DIXON: I don't know. Maybe that's why Jack wants you in a safehouse. SYDNEY: I can fend for myself. DIXON: But you're not just fending for yourself. You're fending for two. And let's be honest - right now, you waddle. SYDNEY: I don't waddle. DIXON: [laughs] Oh, yes, you do. SYDNEY: I'll admit. I may be a little less graceful. [shakes her head, whispering] But I don't waddle. DIXON: [nods, feigning agreement] You're right. Sydney scoffs. DIXON: Actually, it's more of a teeter. Dixon and Sydney share amused smiles. Sydney's home - interior - Sydney "teeters" in, closing the door behind her. Walking farther into the apartment, she pauses as she notices something that catches her by surprise. Cut to the couch, where Irina sits waiting for her daughter. IRINA: Hello, Sydney. SYDNEY: [exhales] Mom. CUT TO BLACK. Irina stands up with a proud, ear-to-ear grin. Sydney returns the grin, very happy to see her mother. IRINA: You look beautiful. Sydney and Irina share a tight embrace. Sydney lays her head on Irina's shoulder, emotional. IRINA: [tenderly] I'm here now. [strokes Sydney's back] Everything is going to be fine. Suddenly troubled, Sydney pulls back. SYDNEY: Mom. I'm so glad you're here. Honestly, there's no one else I want to go through this with. But... [shakes her head] it isn't safe. IRNA: Sydney... [shakes her head, frowning] SYDNEY: No. Mom, we're involved in an investigation. The CIA is everywhere. If they find-- IRINA: I know about Prophet-5. I know they abducted you. [off Sydney's dubious look] That's the reason I've come. They've been rumoured for over thirty years - an organization so secret most of us thought they were a myth. And six months ago, a contact of mine told me that they've become active again. That after all this time they finally found someone who they believe will lead them to what they've been looking for. Sydney still looks as if she can't decide whether or not to trust her mother. IRINA: The reason they came together - to pursue something they call The Horizon. SYDNEY: [thinking] Hmm. IRINA: You've never heard of it? SYDNEY: [shaking her head] No. IRINA: Prophet-5 believes you have. They believe you know where it is. [walks up to Sydney and puts a hand on her arm with a small smile] What are you thinking? SYDNEY: When Prophet-5 abducted me, they tried to get me to reveal information about an old Alliance mission. IRINA: What was the mission? SYDNEY: Well, I don't know the details. Just the code name - but dad is looking into it. IRINA: You told your father? [tucks hair behind her ear] Sydney nods. A big smile comes onto Irina's face. IRINA: That's good. How's Jack? SYDNEY: He's good. [she looks down, with a sentimental expression] Prophet-5 killed Vaughn. IRINA: [whispers] I know. I'm so sorry. The mother daughter exchange sad looks. APO - Marshall's office JACK: It was an Alliance mission. Designation: Leo 47 Norte. MARSHALL: ...47 Norte. I got it. [types at his computer] All Alliance archives are backed up Langley's archives. JACK: Can you do it without being traced back to this office? Marshall pauses to look at Jack. MARSHALL: So Devlin can't find out about it. [looks out at Devlin's team] Sure - I can use a proxy to spoof the origin. [Jack nods and Marshall continues to work] I love secret conspiracies. You know, as long as I'm a... co-conspirator. Marshall finds the mission and brings it up. MARSHALL: Okay. Here it is. [reads off the screen] Um, operation originating back in 1999. Co-ordinated by a Jean Bertrand. Let me see if I can find a... You know, back in high school? We took apart our calculus professor's car and re-assembled it in his classroom. Actually... my friends did it. I woulda helped, but they wouldn't trust me - said I had loose lips. Which, you know, ridiculous. TOM: [walking in] Hey, Marshall? Marshall fumbles as he gets up, knocking things off his desk. He faces Tom with a deer-caught-in-headlights expression on his face. MARSHALL: Uhh--- nothing! [points to his computer screen] We're not - doing - any...thing. Jack's phone rings and reaches into his jacket pocket to answer it. JACK: Yes. [moves out of earshot] TOM: The diagnostic on the server - Let me know when it's done? MARSHALL: [thumbs up at Tom] You got it. TOM: [nods as he turns to leave] Thanks. MARSHALL: [waves] Good to see you, Tom. [turns back to Jack] JACK: That is... unexpected. I'll be there shortly. [hangs up] MARSHALL: Was that Syd? [off Jack's look] Well, your voice - it modulates a little when you're talking to Sydney. Is everything okay? JACK: [sternly] What do you have on Bertrand? MARSHALL: Right. [whispers] Secret! [laughs and nods, turning back to his computer] 'Kay - latest intel places Bertrand in Paris. JACK: Forward the intel to Dixon. He's joining up with Renee. Use tag-3. I don't want it going through APO servers. MARSHALL: Got it. Sydney's home - Sydney opens the door for Jack. JACK: She's still here? Sydney nods as she lets Jack in, looking a little taken aback by his abruptness. Irina sits at the dining table with a drink. IRINA: Jack. JACK: [with a smile on his face] You look... well. IRINA: [returning his smile] I got your messages. I wanted to reply, but I sensed it might be a CIA trap. [smiles again] Look at us. About to become grandparents. JACK: [joking] I'm doing my best to ignore that. Sydney smiles. IRINA: Did Sydney tell you? [softly] I fear for her safety. JACK: Yes, she did. SYDNEY: Did Dixon find out anything? JACK: Not yet. But he's with a source now. P[A]RIS Parking lot - interior - Bertrand is in a hurry. When he gets to his car, he finds Renee (in fishnet stockings, a mini skirt and a blond wig) sitting on the hood of his car. This scene's dialogue is in French BERTRAND: Can I help you? This is my car. Renee shrugs. Dixon approaches Jean from behind. DIXON: Good evening, Jean. BERTRAND: Jean? No, I'm sorry. You have the wrong man. DIXON: Seven years ago, you co-ordinated a mission for the Alliance. Designation: Leo 47 Norte. BERTRAND: Honestly, I don't know what you're talking about. Dixon sighs and holds out his gun at Bertrand. Renee gets off his car and approaches Bertrand. BERTRAND: Look. I don't know who you people are. But I won't be intimidated. Now, I suggest you step away before- Renee takes his keys from his hands BERTRAND: --Hey. RENEE: [jingling keys] Perhaps a ride will refresh your memory. Cut to the car speeding around the parking lot. Renee is driving. Bertrand's duct-taped upside-down and spread-eagle to the hood of his car. BERTRAND: Stop! DIXON: Leo 47 Norte - what was the mission? BERTRAND: A package! I was told to store it. RENEE: What was in the package? BERTRAND: I don't know! I swear! Stop. STOP! RENEE: Last chance, Bertrand! BERTRNAD: Vancouver! It's in Vancouver! Bertrand's car screeches as it brakes, still heading towards a concrete pillar. Bertrand yells in fear. The car stops inches before Bertrand's face smashes into the pillar. Cut to- Sydney's home JACK: Thanks. No, I'll take it from here. That was Dixon. He couldn't confirm what the horizon is. But we can confirm it's in a safe deposit box in Vancouver in Queens Bank. SYDNEY: We'll need to act fast. Prophet-5 has probably figured out by now I gave them a the wrong information. IRINA: [sardonic] Yeah, that's a safe assumption. JACK: We can't use APO. Devlin's men are everywhere. IRINA: If you're being watched, I can go. I have contacts in Vancouver. JACK: [nodding, pensive] We'll go together. Retrieve the Horizon ourselves. Can your contact make the travel arrangements? SYDNEY: Make them for three. I'm going too. IRINA: S- Jack looks concerned. SYDNEY: I know what you're gonna say. You're worried about my safety. It's a three-hour flight. A bank. We'll be in and out. IRINA: [shaking her head] Sydney... SYDNEY: The Horizon is why Prophet-5 killed Vaughn. It's why they kidnapped me. If we can get it before they do, we can finish this thing. [resolved] For good. JACK: Make the arrangements. Irina seems dismayed at Jack's agreement with Sydney. Looks down in defeat - she's not going without them. Interior - unidentified dark corridor - A man pushes past the people in his way and runs up to Peyton. MAN: Hey. Just got a message from Irina Derevko. The Horizon is in Vancouver. She's on her way to retrieve it. PEYTON: Assemble a team. We're going too. MAN: You question Derevko's loyalty? PEYTON: No, I don't. But I'm not willing to take the chance that I'm wrong. Not when we're this close. CUT TO BLACK. VANCO[U]VER Queens Bank - Interior - Jack and Irina sit on a couch, waiting. A bank manager - Alex Moreau - walk towards them. MOREAU: Mr and Mrs Visconti. My apologies, but the bank is closing. Perhaps we can find another time to endow your grandchild's trust fund? IRINA: My daughter's never late JACK: It's that [i[clown[/i] she married. IRINA: If course, darling, it's never our angel's fault. Elevator dings. SYDNEY: Papa, Mama. Sorry I'm late. Sorry, sorry. Sydney gestures apologetically at Moreau as she walks past him. Jack and Sydney hug, Jack kisses Sydney's cheeks, Irina does the same. IRINA: Where's Roberto? SYDNEY: [apologetic] He's not coming. He said he doesn't want your money. It is his job to provide for our baby. JACK: How does he expect to provide for my grandchild as a clown? SYDNEY: [offended] He's not ... he's... IRINA: [angry] Bridget (?), we agreed that the trust fund would be a safety net, in case things don't work out. SYDNEY: But they will. We love each other. IRINA: Of course. The two of you will be as happy as your father and I have been. Irina puts her hand on Jack's stomach and kisses the corner of his mouth. Jack 'hmms', smiling. JACK: Let us do this for you. Let us help. SYDNEY: [relenting] Okay. For the baby. Jack puts a hand on Sydney's cheek and Irina laughs. JACK: Senor, we would be grateful if you could assist us with the deposit now. MOREAU: I'm sorry, but, it's too late. JACK: [takes a cheque out of his jacket pocket] Here is a cashier's cheque. Drawn on the trust account. MOREAU: That - uh - is a very generous amount. Jack smiles. IRINA: He said no, my darling. [Inaudible] Bank is open at six. Maybe we hurry we can- MOREAU: That - won't be necessary. [chuckles] It would be a privilege to help you plan for your family's future. I have a daughter myself. IRINA: Then you'll know that it's a parent's job to take care of their children. [rubs Sydney's belly] SYDNEY: [smiling affectionately] Mama... Cut to: APO - Devlin's men are still working there. Tom gets up from his station. Rachel spots him. RACHEL: Is now a good time for that raincheck? TOM: Yeah. Sure. What's up? RACHEL: I know about Allen Korman. I know you broke into Witsec to find him. [softly] That he killed your wife. Please promise me that you're not going to do anything stupid. That you're not going after him. TOM: I already did. [swallows] I saw him last night. I followed him to a parking garage. I watched him get out of his car. And then there he was - I was ten feet away from the man that killed my wife. Then I watched his wife get out of the car, and their little son, and I watched his life, and I just walked away. Rachel is affected by his story, eyes glistening. TOM: Killing him - isn't going to bring back my wife. RACHEL: [purses her lips] No. it won't. TOM: [looks down and shakes his head] I should've told you about her. I guess we just get so comfortable keeping secrets around here... RACHEL: Yeah. Queens Bank - Sydney is signing the trust fund papers, hands them to Moreau. MOREAU: [smiling] And congratulations. SYDNEY: Thank you. [turns around to face her parents] Papa, if Roberto finds out he'll be very angry. IRINA: [puts a hand on Sydney's shoulder] Then it'll be our family secret. We'll find a place to keep the trust documents safe. JACK: Perhaps Senor Moreau can help us. Do you have a safety deposit we can use? MOREAU: Of course! Sydney gasps and looks down at her stomach. IRINA: Everything all right, my dear? SYDNEY: Yes, just, your grandchild keeps kicking me. Irina laughs JACK: You had a very busy day. [to Moreau] Would you mind if our daughter waited here? MOREAU: [kindly] Not at all. If you'll follow me... It's so sweet how your daughter wants to please you. JACK: She's our pride and joy. MOREAU: I'm sure she'll be a wonderful parent to her own child. IRINA: Thank you. MOREAU: She has two such lovely role models. When Moreau is gone, Sydney gets up and sits at Moreau's computer. She dials a number on her cell phone. Cut to APO. Tom's phone rings. TOM: [to Devlin who is standing over his shoulder] 'Scuse me. Hello? SYDNEY: Hey, Tom, I need your help. TOM: Hey, Dad. What's goin' on? SYDNEY: Backdoor into a secure database. DEVLIN: Here are the files. Right here. TOM: Yeah, I know. Computers are tricky - you're right. I'm gonna put you on the phone with our tech support. Her name is Rachel. She'll be able to help you out. [presses a button on his phone] Hey, uh, my dad's on the phone. He kinda needs your help? [SCENE_BREAK] Cut to Queens Bank - Vault MOREAU: We've taken great pains to ensure the security of this facility. In fact, we pride ourselves on being too careful with our clients' assets. IRINA: That's good to hear. [smiles at Jack] Cut to Sydney SYDNEY: Rachel, it looks like 512-bit encryption. I can open up a port if you need to upload a program. RACHEL: Uh, no, that's okay. I think I got it. [scribbles on some paper] Cut to Vault IRINA: What about emergency response? When an alarmed is tripped, how long before - uh - the authorities respond? MOREAU: The building has round-the-clock security. Our drills place it at four minutes, but to be honest, it's never been activated. IRINA: Then let's keep it that way. Irina takes the hairpin holding her hair up and stabs Moreau with it. Moreau falls unconscious. JACK: [through comm.] Syd, we've got it. What's the box number? SYDNEY: Hang on, Dad. Rachel? RACHEL: Okay, try this. 8-4-3-8-2-2-0. Sydney enters that as Moreau's password and successfully logs in. SYDNEY: [amazed] Someday, you'll have to show me how you do that. RACHEL: A magician never reveals her secrets. Be safe. SYDNEY: Thanks. They hang up and Sydney finds the number of Bertrand's safe deposit box. SYDNEY: Okay, Dad. Box 135. Underground garage - Peyton and her men exit a car. Vault - Jack sprays a substance at the lock of box 135, making it sizzle and smoke. Moreau's office - Sydney is putting her things away. She looks up at the computer screen when something catches her attention. It's the surveillance feed - Peyton is shooting the guards at the front desk. She hurries out of the office. Vault - Jack opens the deposit box, pulling out a metal container. He opens it to reveal a satchel. He takes it out and puts a scanner over it. Scanner beeps and blinks with the message: "CHARGE DETECTED" JACK: I can't open it. IRINA: [walks closer] Why? JACK: Counter measure. Looks like it's acid-based. IRINA: Can you disable it? Camera pans down Irina's hand. She presses something on her 'hair clip' and a needle springs out. JACK: Not without destroying the contents. We'll have to take it back to Marshall he'll be abl- Irina moves to stab Jack, but Jack grabs her elbow to deflect it. Irina tries again, swinging her arm around his face. Jack dodges it. SYDNEY: [running in] Peyton's here. She sees that Jack now has his left hand holding back Irina's right arm. He puts Irina in a chokehold with his right hand and slams her into the deposit boxes. Jack takes out his gun and presses it against her throat. JACK: Talk. FAST. They're here as backup. You're working with them, aren't you? Irina looks defiant. JACK: ANSWER ME. As it sinks in, Sydney begins to look betrayed. She walks towards Irina. SYDNEY: [realising] That was you. Wasn't it? Behind the glass. You orchestrated the whole thing. [disgusted] Because you wanted this [re: Horizon] Irina rolls her eyes. SYDNEY: And when - when you couldn't torture it out of me, you came to me as my mother. IRINA: I am your mother. Sydney's eyes well up, looks at Irina with detestation. JACK: Call of your team, right now. IRINA: [shakes her head] They're not my team. JACK: [angry] I don't believe you. SYDNEY: Dad? IRINA: You need to believe me. 'Cause if Peyton's here, [softly] she's here to kill me too. JACK: Then she's going to be very disappointed, because I'm about to beat her to it. SYDNEY: [insistent] Hey, dad? JACK: I thought I killed you once. This time I'll be more thorough SYDNEY: Dad? Jack finally turns to look at Sydney. SYDNEY: Baby's comin'. CUT TO BLACK. LA - APO - Devlin supervises his team. Cut to a close-up of Sloane, with Rachel in the background. SLOANE: We have a problem. Devlin's men are accessing our server logs. They believe there's a mole within APO leaking information to Prophet-5. RACHEL: You think they're right? SLOANE: No. [shakes his head] No, I don't. However, Sydney and Jack are in the field without clearance. I've been assisting them. RACHEL: So have I. SLOANE: Yes. I know. I've already tried purging the logs myself, but the files are read-only. RACHEL: I can do it. I can crack the logs and delete the entries. Make them untraceable. But it'll take a little time. SLOANE: Well, then, get to it now. Queens Bank - Vault JACK: You should sit. Irina sits with her hands restrained with a cable tie. Sydney rolls a chair over to her but doesn't sit down. SYDNEY: Look, we need to get out of here. [to Irina] What's their approach? IRINA: What? SYDNEY: Their plan - what is it? How are they going to attack us? IRINA: [shrugs and shakes her head] I don't know. I already told you - this wasn't part of my operation. You wanna escape? Give her the Horizon. I'll tell her you already left the building. JACK: That isn't going to happen. Sydney gasps and looks down at her belly. IRINA: Jack, don't be stubborn. The baby is coming. I'm trying to help. Giving you a way out. Sydney holds onto the table for support. Queens Bank - interior - Two unconscious guards are propped up against the wall. Two of Peyton's henchmen set their bags down and starts to assemble guns, handing a machine gun to Peyton. She walks over to the front desk, where one of her men is in a the bank's security guard uniform. BARKER: Okay, I'm in. We've got control of their system. PEYTON: Can you see them? BARKER: The bank has its own dedicated security feed. If they enter any of the stairwells, I'll see them. PEYTON: Lock the building down. I'm going up. Queens Bank - Vault SYDNEY: How were you gonna do it? Once you took the Horizon, what was your extraction? All the lights in the bank go out. SYDNEY: Look, they're coming. How were you going to get away from us? IRINA: There's a helicopter that's waiting for my signal. SYDNEY: Does Prophet-5 know about it? IRINA: [shaking her head] No. JACK: The elevators would all be grounded. It's four flights of stairs to the roof. SYDNEY: I can make it. JACK: [to Irina] MOVE. They get up to leave. Queens Bank - front desk BARKER: Peyton, I've got a visual. Queens Bank - stairwell PEYTON: Go ahead. BARKER: They've just entered the main stairwell - 15th floor. But they're not going down. They're heading up. PEYTON: The helipad. Redirect those cameras to exterior surveillance. I'm going to keep going. I'm six floors behind. Cut to Irina, Jack and Sydney. JACK: What's the signal for the helicopter? IRINA: Beacon. It's in my bra. [smiles at Jack] Sydney pauses to catch her breath. Jack gets the beacon from Irina's bra, expressionless, and activates it. Irina continues to smile smugly. JACK: Keep moving. [turns around to Sydney] We're almost there. Sydney gathers strength and continues up the stairs. Cut to Peyton's team following the group. Cut to the helicopter approaching. Cut to the front desk, a surveillance feed also sees the helicopter. BARKER: I've got a chopper. Approaching inbound from the north-west. PEYTON: Damn. [looks around, exits the stairwell at 12th floor] Out here. Peyton and her men run towards the windows. Cut to the roof, SpyFam are at the helipad. Helicopter is about to make its descent. Cut to 12th floor. Peyton shoots at a window, breaking it. She looks out the window and at the helicopter. PETYON: Quickly. Cut to the roof. Cut to 12th floor where one of the henchmen hand Peyton a bazooka. She aims and shoots the helicopter down. The helicopter explodes. Irina, Sydney and Jack duck. Peyton discards the bazooka, she and her men head back towards the stairwell as the helicopter crashes to the ground in the background. CUT TO BLACK Queens bank - Interior - Sydney, Irina and Jack run down a hallway. SYDNEY: This building has to have a freight elevator. JACK: Sydney- SYDNEY: If we hotwire a juncture box, we might be able to restore emergency power to one of the cars. JACK: Even if we could, they'll be waiting for us as soon as we override the elevator. SYDNEY: We have to try. IRINA: We need to set up a defensive position. SYDNEY: I'm not interested in your opinion. JACK: She's right. Even if we could outflank them down the stairwell, you wouldn't make it. Here. [hands Sydney his gun] Cover your mother. [gives Sydney the bag with the Horizon inside] I'll take care of Peyton and her men. [removes his jacket] Be right back. Whatever happens, keep that pointed at your mother. If she even blinks... SYDNEY: I'll shoot her. APO -Sloane's office - Sloane looks out at Devlin's team working. RACHEL: Okay, I'm in. Logs are online. SLOANE: Have they found anything yet? RACHEL: No. They're still working on the tasking logs. I'm gonna start with the comm. Entries. Here we go - Sydney's communication from Vancouver. [deletes that entry] And Paris - this is from Dixon's PBX communication. [deletes] Okay, this seems to be it. SLOANE: No, there's more. I had to post satellite imagery of the building in Vancouver. You'll have to delete that as well. Timestamp should be somewhere between midnight and 2am. [looks up nervously at Devlin's men] There. Sloane points to an 'outgoing transfer entry' from 'JTINDLE'. RACHEL: Tindle isn't your login name. SLOANE: No. My network account timed out. I had to create a temporary one. Computer beeps - Rachel looks apprehensive. RACHEL: I can't do it. SLOANE: What do you mean? RACHEL: They're on the same page of entries. That's them now. Cut to the computer screen. The entry two lines above the Tindle one is highlighted red, indicating what Devlin's group is looking at. RACHEL: If we delete this one they'll see it. Sloane sighs and picks up his phone. Devlin's phone rings. DEVLIN: Devlin. SLOANE: It's me. It seems you don't have the latest server logs. What's the timestamp on your last entry? On Sloane's computer, the white highlighting scrolls down beyond what Sloane and Rachel are looking at. DEVLIN: 10:37 this morning. Rachel deletes the Tindle entry. She nods and mouths "Got it" to Sloane. SLOANE: Okay. It matches up. Sorry about the interruption. Sloane and Devlin hang up. SLOANE: Good work. Rachel smiles. Queens Bank - Interior - Sydney and Irina sit against a wall. Sydney sighs. SYDNEY: The truth takes time. That's what you said. Years ago. Is this what you meant? IRINA: You like it to be simple. [shakes head] It's never simple. SYDNEY: Did you put out the order to kill Vaughn? Irina doesn't reply, only looks at Sydney, blinking. Sydney inhales, frowning. The camera pans down to her stomach. IRINA: I've known about his investigation for a long time. In Savogda I tried to warn him. Sydney shakes her head. IRINA: He didn't take my advice. SYDNEY: I fell for you. Even Dad fell for you. But Vaughn never trusted you. Queens Bank - Stairwell - Gun in hand, Jack walks down. He hears Peyton's men coming and exits the stairwell. HENCHMAN: This is Alpha-team. We're on sixteen. We have a possible target. PEYTON: Copy that. Two henchmen investigate sixteenth floor - the laser sights of their guns swing around the room. Jack quietly sneaks up on one of them with an arm around is neck. Henchman 1 groans in pain and shoots at the ceiling. Henchman 2, hearing this, turns around and shoots towards Jack's direction, but hits his partner instead. Jack shoots Henchman 2. Cut to Stairwell. PEYTON: Alpha team - report. Alpha team, do you copy? Barker, where are you? BARKER: (through comm.) Just sweeped 17, moving onto 18. PEYTON: Roger. Finish up there and report in. Queens Bank - Interior - Sydney sitting on a couch, with her gun still trained on her mother. She is gasping with the pain of her contractions. IRINA: Exhale through your mouth. SYDNEY: [resentfully] No! IRINA: I'm only offering advice. SYDNEY: Don't! [breathes heavily] I know why you saved my pregnancy. You want my baby, and I don't know why. Frankly, I don't care. I just want you to leave us alone. Long pause. IRINA: You should know something, Sydney. I never wanted to have a child. The KGB demanded it. They knew it would ensure your father's allegiance to me. You were simply a means to an end. And then when the doctor put you in my arms and I looked at you? So fragile. All I could think was, "How could I make such a terrible mistake?" Tears well up in Irina's eyes. Sydney is visibly upset, tears streaming down her face. IRINA: And at that moment I was sure of one thing: I couldn't be an agent an a mother. I'd either fail at one or both. And I chose to fail at being a mother. Sydney's gun is no longer pointed at Irina as she braces herself through a particularly painful contraction. Barker's footsteps can be heard and Irina looks nervously in that direction. IRINA: Gimme the gun. Syd, they're coming Sydney reluctantly gives her the gun. Irina quickly kills Barker, then gets up to unties herself using a letter opener. She crouches in front of Sydney, taking the Horizon. IRINA: In time you'll learn. [shakes her head] You can't do both. SYDNEY: Watch me. Irina turns to leave. Sydney gasps and whimpers in pain. Irina goes back to Sydney, tears staining her face. IRINA: The only reason I saved the baby was because you're my daughter. Sydney sobs. IRINA: Now do exactly as I tell you. Get in that chair. CUT TO BLACK. Queens Bank - Stairwell - Peyton is opening the door to Jack's floor. She pauses. Jack looks at the door when he hears the handle rattling. The door opens, Peyton enters, guns blazing. Jack returns fire. Peyton finds some cover. PETYON: This really is no place for you, Grandpa. By the way, where's Sydney registered? Jack grabs a fire extinguisher. PEYTON: I'd love to get her a gift for the baby. Jack tosses the fire extinguisher towards Peyton. She shoots at Jack as she hears it the extinguisher clang across the floor. Jack aims his gun at the fire extinguisher. Peyton looks alarmed as she spots the red dot of his gun's laser sights on the fire extinguisher. It explodes in a white cloud of smoke. Jack walks across the floor, and sees Peyton's motionless hand from behind a cabinet. He walks closer and sees Peyton laying unconscious. The camera pans down and focuses on Peyton's hand - it twitches. Cut to Sydney gasping in pain with Irina in front of her. IRINA: Sydney, don't push. SYDNEY: God, Mom, I have to. IRINA: Nononono - Listen to me. Don't push. I know you want to, but you can't. Sydney, Listen to me. The baby is coming out backward. SYDNEY: [sobbing[ Wh-what does that mean? Mom. JACK: [entering] What is it? What is it? IRINA: Her muscles are locked she needs to relax. The baby needs oxygen. If it doesn't come out right now... JACK: Listen, squeeze my hand. This is important. As hard as you can. SYDNEY: [whimpers] Dad. IRINA: Just keep breathing - breathe. SYDNEY: Dad. [gasps] IRINA: In. And out. Sydney breathes heavily. JACK: Okay. Now, again. Look at me. Sydney looks at Jack with tears in her eyes. Nodding as she breathes. JACK: You can do this. Sydney shakes her head and sobs. SYDNEY: I can't, Dad. I can't. JACK: Sydney. Yes you can. SYDNEY: I don't want to do this here. JACK: That's okay. Tell me where you wanna be. SYDNEY: I'm scared. JACK: I know. That's why we're here. We're gonna take care of you. Now. Tell me - where you wanna be. SYDNEY: I wanna be at the beach. JACK: That's good. Just go there. Now tell me about it. SYDNEY: [still sobbing] And Vaughn is with me. JACK: Good. Vaughn is there. With you on the beach. Good. Vaughn is with you. SYDNEY: I miss him. JACK: I know. [smiles] I know you do, sweetheart. It's okay. It's gonna be okay. Irina turns around to reach for a blanket. IRINA: Okay, now, Sydney. Push. JACK: Sydney, you can do this. Now, again. IRINA: Push. JACK: Sydney, as hard as you can! Sydney winces painfully, crying. IRINA: Good! The baby's voice can be heard. IRINA: Sydney. [whispers] You have a baby girl. Sydney cries as Irina hands Sydney her daughter. She holds the baby close as she looks at her. She looks at Jack, then to where Irina is, but her mother is nowhere to be found. SYDNEY: She took the satchel. JACK: I know. We'll find her. [Re: baby] Oh, sweetheart. She's so beautiful. Sydney smiles. APO - Marshall's office - His cell phone is ringing. MARSHALL: Flinkman. IRINA: Listen to me very carefully, Marshall. Jack and Sydney are in Vancouver. Queens Bank. They need extraction. MARSHALL: Okay... uh. Is this - who I think it is? IRINA: Tell the team, they'll need diapers. [hangs up] MARSHALL: Okay. [rushes off] Airplane - interior - Jack is hanging up his cell phone. Sydney is holding her daughter. JACK: I just spoke to Dixon. He's in contact with Europol and SVR. So far, nothing. We'll find her, Sydney. SYDNEY: Would you like to hold your granddaughter? JACK: [smiling] Yes, I would. Sydney hands Jack the baby, he sits down. SYDNEY: [softly] She has Vaughn's eyes. JACK: Yes, she does. SYDNEY: Dad? They share a long look, speaking without words. JACK: I'll take care of it. They smile. BHU[T]AN Long shot of a green field with snowy mountains in the background. Someone rides across the field on horseback. The horse gallops towards a lone house. The horseman dismounts and runs towards the house. He approaches a robed man (a Buddhist monk?) and whispers something in his ear. The robed man turns to speak to someone else who's also in the room. MONK: My brother...there's good new. You have a daughter. The 'someone else' is none other than Vaughn. Vaughn looks down, then smiles.

Davenport's ambulance is ambushed by mercenaries and Davenport himself is killed by none other than Irina Derevko. Because of the possibility of moles within APO, CIA Director Devlin shuts it down. Jack remains determined to continue investigating Prophet Five and Sydney reveals to Jack "Leo-47 Norte" as the code that Prophet Five wanted to know of when they captured her. It turns out to be an old SD-6 mission that took place in France. Irina meets with Sydney and reveals her own knowledge of Prophet Five; the group captured Sydney thinking she knew something about "The Horizon". After Jack has Marshall hack into CIA archives for more information, Dixon and Renée Rienne force Jean Bertrand to reveal more about "The Horizon", which is stored in a safety deposit box in a Vancouver bank. Jack, Irina, and Sydney infiltrate the bank and retrieve "The Horizon". However, Irina has leaked the information to Peyton, who arrives in the building with her men and kills the guards. Irina attacks Jack, who has "The Horizon" and Sydney realizes Irina arranged her kidnapping. When Irina insists that Peyton will kill her too, Jack responds by saying he will kill Irina first. After Jack incapacitates Peyton, Sydney goes into labor. Jack and Irina help Sydney give birth to a girl, after which Irina escapes with "The Horizon." Meanwhile, in Bhutan, a monk receives a message from a horseman and shares the news of Sydney's infant daughter with Michael Vaughn.

fd_Doctor_Who_1963_04x39

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THE EVIL OF THE DALEKS First broadcast: 3rd June 1967 Repeat broadcast: 22nd June, 1968 Running Time: 26:50 [SCENE_BREAK] 1. LABORATORY (The RED DALEK has arrived via the time cabinet and awaits a report from another DALEK.) GREY DALEK: The humans have been told to begin the test. RED DALEK: Any delay will result in death. GREY DALEK: There will be no delay! [SCENE_BREAK] 2. SITTING ROOM (Having awakened MOLLIE, WATERFIELD and the DOCTOR now ponder how to complete the task expected of them without JAMIE.) WATERFIELD: Mollie, Mollie. Mr. McCrimmon has been kidnapped! It means the end of us unless we can find him quickly. (Hoping that he can offer some solution to their dilemma, WATERFIELD looks down at the DOCTOR to find him carefully examining dirt in the carpet. The DOCTOR stands up, clutching something he has found.) DOCTOR: Straw. WATERFIELD: I beg your pardon? DOCTOR: A piece of straw. [SCENE_BREAK] 3. INTERIOR STABLES (JAMIE wakes to find himself in what he assumes to be MAXTIBLE's stables. Still fuzzy, he can only partially make out the unkempt thug that he assumes is to blame for his present state. The scoundrel sits on an upturned bucket nearby, and hurls insults in JAMIE's direction.) TOBY: Had a cosy little sleep, young swell? (He pokes JAMIE hard, causing JAMIE to try to punch him. The Scot misses by a considerable distance. TOBY laughs.) TOBY: Lively, is it? Maybe you'd like to sleep again? I've got Mr. Nod here. (He hefts the heavy cudgel used to knock out JAMIE earlier.) TOBY: He'll have you snorin' as good as ever. JAMIE: What do you want? TOBY: I'm to be well paid. Have no fear of that. JAMIE: Oh, and for what? I don't know you. (The top half of the stable door opens and TERRALL, a well-dressed gentleman, appears. TOBY addresses him.) TOBY: This your man, sir? (TERRALL is completely horrified.) TERRALL: Toby! What in Hades have you done? TOBY: Why, I, uh... brought 'im from the house, like you said. TERRALL: I said nothing of the kind. TOBY: Well ya did, sir! Honest ya did. A guinea ya promised me. I... I done what ya said. You don't get outta payin'. (Opening the lower half of the door, TERRALL strides in, grabs TOBY by the lapels and shoves him toward the door.) TERRALL: Be careful how you speak to me, Toby! (Reaching into his pocket, he retrieves a gold coin, which he throws in the mud at TOBY's feet.) TERRALL: There's your money. Get out! (TOBY leaves. TERRALL seems to faint, falling against the wall, only to regain his strength and stand upright again.) TERRALL: Where's Toby? JAMIE: You just sent him about his business. Look, what's the matter? Are you all right? TERRALL: Where's Victoria Waterfield? JAMIE: I don't know. TERRALL: Yes, you do. JAMIE: I tell you, I don't even know her! TERRALL: You're in the house, a friend of Maxtible's.You must know! JAMIE: No, listen, I'm te... (TERRALL once again falls against the wall, mumbling to himself, before straightening up again.) TERRALL: Ha, I must apologize for that villain Toby. He was telling lies, of course. I shall escort you to the house. JAMIE: Uh, You... you... you just asked me about Victoria Waterfield. TERRALL: Now, she's in Paris. I'm afraid I haven't introduced myself - Arthur Terrall. JAMIE: Well, never mind about that. Did you or did you not ask that man to knock me on the head and bring me in here? TERRALL: I, oh... (He is incredulous.) TERRALL: ...certainly not! JAMIE: Oh. (The DOCTOR enters.) TERRALL: Doctor, oh. (Laughs.) I see you're in good hands now. I won't detain you any further. Good day, Doctor. DOCTOR: Oh, good day to you. (TERRALL leaves.) JAMIE: He's mad. Stark, staring mad! DOCTOR: Yes, I know. I was listening. Let's have a look at that head of yours. Come along. (JAMIE tells his story as the DOCTOR attends to his injuries.) JAMIE: Look, it's all right, Doctor. One minute he says this, the next minute he says that. Can you make it out, Doctor? I'm knocked on the head and I'm brought in here. Then that man Terrall enters and denies having ordered the other man to do it. Well, then he changes, and starts asking about Victoria Waterfield and in the next breath, he tells me she's in Paris! DOCTOR: I know what's happened to Victoria. JAMIE: What has? DOCTOR: She's a prisoner of the Daleks. [SCENE_BREAK] 4. VICTORIA'S PRISON ROOM (Sitting on the edge of her bed, VICTORIA gathers up her possessions, watched by a DALEK.) DALEK: Hurry! VICTORIA: Why am I being moved? Are you taking me back to my father? DALEK: No, you are being moved. Pick up your cover. Follow. Do not be afraid. (The DALEK leads her into the hallway and down the corridor.) DALEK: You are not to be exterminated. (Taking advantage of her first taste of freedom in some time, VICTORIA stops along the way to look out one of the second-floor windows. The DALEK quickly redirects her.) DALEK: Do not delay. (Another DALEK joins the first in escorting her along the corridor.) DALEK 2: Move. [SCENE_BREAK] 5. SITTING ROOM (The DOCTOR has returned to the sitting room, and now updates WATERFIELD about what has occurred.) WATERFIELD: You've warned him - told him about the Daleks? DOCTOR: Yes, of course I did! WATERFIELD: But you were expressly told... DOCTOR: Oh, fiddlesticks! (The DOCTOR is busy debating with WATERFIELD and fails to notice JAMIE sneak into the room.) DOCTOR: Bosh! Jamie will cooperate. You may be certain of that. WATERFIELD: Are you sure? DOCTOR: Yes, perfectly sure. Jamie will do everything he is asked to do. Now come along, we must go and find Maxtible. (They leave, and JAMIE secretes himself from his hiding place, pondering the exchange he has just overheard as he studies the portrait of the late Mrs. Waterfield.) [SCENE_BREAK] 6. LABORATORY (We see the DALEK faced toward the time cabinet, as if listening to distant, silent voices. After a time, it quickly turns to face MAXTIBLE.) DALEK: The female human being has been moved. MAXTIBLE: Everything is prepared. DALEK: The testing equipment is ready? MAXTIBLE: I think you will be pleased with the man I've had specially brought from London. Ah, he works in my house. DALEK: Show me! MAXTIBLE: You will understand that he is rather simple. He's quite dumb, but, uh... that has its advantages for us. His mind is, how shall I say, undeveloped. He will not understand you, the Daleks. Uh, I mean he will be terrified of you. (Impatient, the DALEK cuts MAXTIBLE off.) DALEK: Show me. (As if it has some awareness of the effect its presence has on humans, the DALEK moves from the laboratory into the time cabinet.) MAXTIBLE: Ohh, I beg your pardon, uh... (He opens the laboratory door and calls out.) MAXTIBLE: Kemel! (A large hulking figure in Turkish dress appears.) MAXTIBLE: Will you come with me? I want you to stand here. No, no, no, no, no, face the cabinet. Good. (MAXTIBLE gives KEMEL a solid iron bar from the worktop.) MAXTIBLE: Now, bend that. (KEMEL bends the bar easily.) MAXTIBLE: Excellent Kemel, excellent. Now, you'll help me with these stools. (With KEMEL's help, MAXTIBLE arranges two stools about two feet apart, takes a board from the table, and places it between the stools.) MAXTIBLE: Now, Kemel. One blow. Break the plank! (KEMEL breaks the plank in one blow.) MAXTIBLE: Very good Kemel. I'm very pleased with you. Now you can put on your jacket. (KEMEL does so.) MAXTIBLE: Come over here. Now, I want you to listen carefully. See this man? (He shows KEMEL a likeness of JAMIE.) MAXTIBLE: Now, I'm going to take you to a place that I want you to guard, and this young man will try and get past you and you are not to let him. Do you understand? Oh, he's an evil villain, Kemel, a cutthroat who would gladly murder us all in our beds, if he could. You will remember this man, hmm? (KEMEL signals his understanding.) MAXTIBLE: Right. Well, you come with me and I will direct you. (They leave the laboratory.) [SCENE_BREAK] 7. ALCOVE (This is an alcove just outside the South Wing of the house. MAXTIBLE now shows KEMEL where to stand.) MAXTIBLE: You wait here. This is the entrance to the south wing of my house, and through here will pass the man I showed you in the picture. The door itself is an obstacle. (KEMEL goes to open the door for MAXTIBLE.) MAXTIBLE: No, no, wait! (As KEMEL opens the door, iron spikes shoot across the doorway, forcing KEMEL to jump back in surprise. MAXTIBLE laughs to himself as the spikes retract into the frame.) MAXTIBLE: Now, if he gets through here, you will deal with him. Go now. [SCENE_BREAK] 8. LABORATORY (The DOCTOR and WATERFIELD have been waiting to report to the DALEKS, and one does finally appear from the time cabinet. Not unexpectedly, the DALEK does not attempt to veil the DALEK viewpoint.) DALEK: We do not trust you. DOCTOR: Then we're quits, aren't we? DALEK: But we have your time machine. DOCTOR: Yes. DALEK: So, you will obey us. (The DOCTOR addresses WATERFIELD.) DOCTOR: They want the "Human Factor", is that right? WATERFIELD: Yes, that is what they want. DOCTOR: Very complex. And you want to introduce this "human factor" into the race of Daleks? DALEK: Yes, the conquest of humanity has eluded us. The Daleks must know why. DOCTOR: But, why choose Jamie for this test? DALEK: His travelling with you makes him unique. DOCTOR: But why him? Why not me? DALEK: Request denied. DOCTOR: Why? DALEK: You have travelled too much through time. You are more than human. DOCTOR: I see. (The Dalek cabinet opens and the DOCTOR goes inside to find three cases. He looks inside one of the cases and sees what he recognizes as the mutant form of a DALEK - apparently lifeless. As he looks, MAXTIBLE enters the laboratory.) DOCTOR: What is this? MAXTIBLE: They have been brought from the Dalek planet. DOCTOR: Skaro! DALEK: Yes, their life force is dormant. Before it is activated, we want... DOCTOR: (Finishing the thought.) You want the "human factor" introduced. I see. DALEK: You will obey us! DOCTOR: I will make up my own mind! WATERFIELD: Do not antagonize them, Doctor. They will destroy your time machine! DOCTOR: And if I agree, it means the creation of a race of super-Daleks! (The DOCTOR reminds himself that the TARDIS is being held by the DALEKS.) DOCTOR: My TARDIS... I have no choice, do I? Very well. I agree. DALEK: The human being with you must not be aware of the trial. DOCTOR: I quite understand. DALEK: Make him begin the test! DOCTOR: What must Jamie do? MAXTIBLE: Attempt to rescue Waterfield's daughter. [SCENE_BREAK] 9. SITTING ROOM (After overhearing the debate concerning his imminent test, JAMIE has remained in the Sitting Room to ponder events. As he does so, MOLLIE arrives with RUTH and TERRALL.) MOLLIE: There we are, sir. RUTH: Thank you, Mollie. (MOLLIE leaves.) RUTH: Arthur, I'd like you to meet Mr. McCrimmon. (TERRALL addresses JAMIE with irritation.) TERRALL: May I ask what you are doing in this house? JAMIE: I was just about to ask you the same thing. RUTH: Oh, you gentlemen have been introduced? JAMIE: Aye, we've met. (TERRALL half-heartedly veils his dislike for JAMIE.) TERRALL: It seems, Ruth, your father has the oddest collection of house guests these days. RUTH: Now Arthur, please! (RUTH is clearly perplexed by TERRALL's behaviour.) RUTH: You must forgive him, Mr. McCrimmon. JAMIE: Ah, it's becoming a habit. TERRALL: I don't care for insolence. JAMIE: Well, I'm not keen on arrogance myself! (RUTH begins to see a pattern in their interactions.) RUTH: Why, you bite at each other as if you were old enemies! JAMIE: I'm sorry if I seem rude. RUTH: Come, I want you to be friends. Won't you be so, to please me? (TERRALL moans loudly and staggers against the mantelpiece.) RUTH: Arthur... Arthur, what is it? (To JAMIE.) Excuse me. (To TERRALL.) Arthur! What's the matter? (RUTH leaves, chasing after TERRALL, after which MOLLIE again enters.) MOLLIE: Sir? JAMIE: Yes?! Oh, I wish you'd call me Jamie. MOLLIE: Oh, I couldn't do that sir. What would the master say? JAMIE: Oh, who cares! Ah, What can I do for you? MOLLIE: If you'd tell me where your bags are, sir - yours and the Doctor's - I'll have them taken up to your room. JAMIE: Aye. well, Mollie... MOLLIE: Listen to me, "have them taken." I dare say I'll be doin' it meself! JAMIE: You see, we didn't have time to pick up the luggage. It'll be following. MOLLIE: Oh. JAMIE: Why do you say that you'll be doing it yourself? MOLLIE: Well, they do say, sir, that the house is haunted. Mr. Kitson, the butler, left, and cook and the two footmen are complainin' again. JAMIE: Haunted? MOLLIE: Mmm. But, I've never heard anything sir. I sleep like a log and always have. JAMIE: Aye. well, I'm glad you've got over the fright you had. MOLLIE: Oh, yes, that horrible man. Miss Ruth said it was all a game, but I dunno sir. I've never fainted before, sir. Truly I haven't. JAMIE: Not "sir", "Jamie"! (MOLLIE giggles at this, and JAMIE uses it as an excuse to change the subject.) JAMIE: Tell me about Arthur Terrall. MOLLIE: Miss Ruth's fianc , sir? JAMIE: Aye. MOLLIE: Oh, oh, he's a kind man, sir. Usually. JAMIE: Usually? MOLLIE: Mmm. Well, when he's a bit odd or his temper's up, as it has been lately, I says to meself "Inkerman" and then it's all right. JAMIE: "Inkerman"? MOLLIE: Yes sir. 'e was out in the Crimea, 'e was. They do say Mr. Terrall was wounded out there. Do you know, my uncle was killed at Inkerman, sir. So, you see, I do know what it's like with soldiers. (As MOLLIE starts to leave with the tray of tea, the DOCTOR walks in, and she runs into him. She babbles explanations as he attempts to reassure her.) MOLLIE: Oh... oh, I'm sorry sir. I didn't mean to... Well cook said to me that if I did some dusting it would be all right. Oh, you won't tell the master, will you? That I... Ah, ah... Thank you. Sorry sir. DOCTOR: Sorry Mollie. (Laughs.) Never mind, Mollie. That will do. Yes, Mollie, thank you very much. It's all right, Mollie. I wouldn't dream of telling him. Thank you very much, Bye-bye. (He laughs, and MOLLIE leaves.) DOCTOR: Hmm, you'll have to brush up on your history. I can't be around to cover up for you all the time. (He clears his throat.) DOCTOR: Now then, in the Crimean War, the English, the French and the Turks fought the Russians... (JAMIE has no patience for the DOCTOR's history lesson.) JAMIE: Oh, forget about all that! DOCTOR: Oh, I thought you'd be interested. I watched the Charge of the Light Brigade. Magnificent folly... JAMIE: Look, where've you been? DOCTOR: Oh, just looking around. JAMIE: Aye. What for? The TARDIS?! (The DOCTOR is genuinely surprised, and attempts to make light of it.) DOCTOR: Jamie, you're in a temper! (This only irritates JAMIE more.) JAMIE: Oh, am I? Is that bad then? Does that mean I won't be co-operative - I won't do everything I'm told? (Now it is the DOCTOR's turn to be on the defensive.) DOCTOR: What was that? JAMIE: I overheard you and Waterfield! DOCTOR: You were eavesdropping! JAMIE: Well, whatever it is, I don't like what you're doing. DOCTOR: Now you listen to me...! (JAMIE does not give him a chance to continue.) JAMIE: No, Doctor, you're forgetting the TARDIS was stolen and a man was murdered! Now, how am I supposed to tell when I see you as friendly as you like with the murderer! DOCTOR: Waterfield did not murder that man! JAMIE: All right then, but he stole the TARDIS and that still makes him a thief! DOCTOR: The Daleks forced him to! JAMIE: The Daleks! You keep telling me about the Daleks, and I haven't even seen one! You're always on about them, but where are they?! DOCTOR: Now you listen to me...! (Once again, JAMIE does not let the DOCTOR interrupt.) JAMIE: No, you'll not get round me this time, Doctor. You're up to something with Waterfield and Maxtible. Now what is it? Some scientific invention?! (WATERFIELD enters.) JAMIE: Oh, here's your friend. (The DOCTOR attempts to smoothe over the situation.) DOCTOR: Just a little argument. WATERFIELD: I heard voices raised. JAMIE: That's not all you'll hear! DOCTOR: Jamie seems to think that I'm lying to him. JAMIE: Well, aren't you?! DOCTOR: He doesn't believe the Daleks are here. WATERFIELD: It's the truth. JAMIE: Aye, the truth you told Arthur Terrall, maybe - that your daughter was in Paris! WATERFIELD: I had to tell him that. JAMIE: So, you've got another story to tell me? WATERFIELD: I tell you that the Daleks are holding my daughter prisoner in the south wing of this house, Mr. McCrimmon. JAMIE: Then why don't you try and get her back, eh?! (To the DOCTOR.) What are you doing?! DOCTOR: Well, what can I do? Now, be... be fair Jamie. Waterfield's tied hand and foot because of his daughter and we're tied hand and foot because of the TARDIS! JAMIE: Aye, and that's all you can think about, isn't it? The TARDIS. Well, you can all stand around doing nothing. I'm sick to death of it! (JAMIE marches angrily across the room, toward the door.) DOCTOR: Now just where are you going? JAMIE: To be by myself for a bit. Do you mind? DOCTOR: No, not a bit. But, one word of warning. Don't you try to be a one-man army. You leave well alone. I won't have you ruining everything trying to rescue Victoria Waterfield. Now, you understand?! (JAMIE storms out of the room. The Doctor chuckles.) WATERFIELD: Well, are you sure you didn't go a little too far, Doctor? DOCTOR: Adding a little fuel to the fire. (Laughs.) Tell Maxtible that I'll be along to his laboratory shortly. WATERFIELD: Oh, very well, Doctor. If you're sure. DOCTOR: Oh yes, quite sure. Once our young friend has cooled his heels a bit, he'll launch off on his own. And you dropped the hint about the south wing beautifully. [SCENE_BREAK] 10. EXTERIOR STABLES (TERRALL is walking in the garden, only to see TOBY nearby, waving to him from the stables, beckoning to him. Grudgingly, he makes his way to the stables.) [SCENE_BREAK] 11. INTERIOR STABLES TERRALL: Well, what is it? You wanted to see me? (TOBY is unimpressed with TERRALL's demeanor.) TOBY: Very good of you to talk to me, gov'nor. TERRALL: Well, never mind all that. I'll give you two minutes, no more. TOBY: I want me rights. No more, no less. TERRALL: What do you mean, "rights"? TOBY: 'alf a guinea, you gave me, and it ain't what we said. TERRALL: You were lucky to get anything. TOBY: That ain't fair! TERRALL: You'll get no more from me. I warn you! Keep away from this house, and this property. Find the nearest road to London and take it! TOBY: Oh, yeah, London, sir. Yeah, I daresay I could earn something for me stories there. TERRALL: Stories? TOBY: Oh, I won't detain an important gentleman like yourself. Like as not me two minutes is up anyway. TERRALL: What do you mean, "stories"? TOBY: Ah, it's all right, sir. I'll take a stroll to London... (Growling, TERRALL grabs TOBY.) TERRALL: Don't play with me! TOBY: Get off me! If you must know, there's plenty who'd pay to hear what I've got to tell 'em. TERRALL: (Laughs.) Indeed. TOBY: Yeah. You blows too hot and cold for me - tellin' me this one minute and that the next, and not payin' up. TERRALL: You know nothing. TOBY: Don't I though? TERRALL: Hmm. Who'd believe you anyway? TOBY: Pay me off, and there's the end of it! TERRALL: Oh, blackmail is it?! Get out! (They grapple. TOBY grabs a pitchfork and hits TERRALL with the handle, knocking him to the ground.) TOBY: Maybe I don't know much to tell, but I'll wager I'll find something in the house that's worth me trouble. So, I'll say thank ya, Mr. Terrall, sir! (TOBY laughs and leaves the stables. TERRALL struggles to get up before falling unconscious.) [SCENE_BREAK] 12. INTERIOR SITTING ROOM (NIGHT) (As MOLLIE anxiously waits for him inside, JAMIE sneaks into the dimly lamplit room, startling her.) JAMIE: It's only me, Mollie! (MOLLIE giggles.) MOLLIE: It's over here, sir. I took it from the master's study. (MOLLIE shows JAMIE a plan of MAXTIBLE's home.) JAMIE: It's marvellous. Thank you! MOLLIE: 'ere, is this what you wanted? JAMIE: Perfect, yes. Let's see, umm... this is the south wing here? (He points to the area he assumes to be the South Wing.) MOLLIE: Yes sir, but it's been closed off. JAMIE: Completely? MOLLIE: Oh, no sir; only 'cause of some repairs... [SCENE_BREAK] TRANSMISSION BREAK "Then we must leave, for the moment, this episode of Doctor Who, while this interference in vision continues. Until we can get the fault rectified, here is some music." (Herb Alpert-like, train-ride-evoking Spanish trumpet music.) "Now we can return to episode three of Doctor Who - The Evil of the Daleks" [SCENE_BREAK] MOLLIE: ...but it's been closed off. JAMIE: Completely? MOLLIE: Oh, no sir. Only 'cause of some repairs about a twelve-month back. But the door may be locked. JAMIE: Can you show me? MOLLIE: All right. What're you gonna do, sir? JAMIE: Off to hunt a few wee ghosties, Mollie. [SCENE_BREAK] 13. WORKROOM (MAXTIBLE's workroom is now overflowing with DALEK technology. The DOCTOR carefully prepares some machinery for the test, watched by MAXTIBLE and two DALEKS.) DOCTOR: Every single one of Jamie's reactions will be recorded on these Dalek machines? MAXTIBLE: And then transformed into thought patterns on silver wire. A wonderful creation! DALEK 1: It is for you, Doctor, to select the major feelings to make up this "human factor". DOCTOR: Oh, yes. I quite understand. MAXTIBLE: We can rely on the Doctor to give us all cooperation. DALEK 1: We shall watch your every move. DOCTOR: I'm sure you will. And every step of Jamie's progress will be covered? DALEK 1: Yes. DALEK 2: The young human being is on his way. MAXTIBLE: Then the recording machines can be set in action. [SCENE_BREAK] 14. CORRIDOR (JAMIE and MOLLIE now use the plans of the house to lead their way to the spot she had indicated. The corridor, just outside the South Wing, is dimly lit only by MOLLIE's candle.) JAMIE: Here! MOLLIE: Yes, sir. I once remember the master stepping away from here. When he saw me, he was very cross and told me to keep away. JAMIE: I see. [SCENE_BREAK] 15. LABORATORY (A dark figure slips through the door and looks carefully around the room. Then, seeing the room empty, he strikes a match, and the light shows it is TOBY. He looks around the room at the computers, not fathoming their function, until his gaze comes to rest on the three packing crates. Opening one, he looks inside, puzzled, before lighting another match. He then notices another object, shaped like the one in the box, at the far end of the room. As he moves to examine it, the object moves. Startled, he steps away from it, as it moves toward him. Finally, his nerve breaks and he sprints for the door just as the DALEK aims its gun-stick and fires. With a scream, he falls dead.) [SCENE_BREAK] 16. CORRIDOR (MOLLIE and JAMIE hear TOBY's almost inhuman scream.) MOLLIE: What was that? What was that?! JAMIE: That was no ghost, Mollie, that's for sure. That was a human voice! MOLLIE: Oh, sir! JAMIE: Look Mollie, take the candle and go back to your room. Will you do that? MOLLIE: Yes sir. JAMIE: Now, do you want me to see you safely there? MOLLIE: No, no. I'll be all right. (Mollie heads off into the darkness. JAMIE carefully examines a wood panel that appears to have oily fingerprints along its frame. He presses the panel in several places and it opens. As it opens, he is momentarily distracted by a bird which flies through the now-open panel. Just as he pauses, large spikes shoot out, embedding themselves in the frame where he would have been standing. He quickly ducks under the spikes, and on into the bare hallway beyond. In the moonlight coming through a nearby window, he can see a shadowy shape rise from the couch nearby, and move into an offensive position before him.) JAMIE: Hello. Who are you? (The giant figure of KEMEL does not reply, but stands blocking the passageway and prepares to fight.)

As part of the Daleks' experiment, the Doctor manipulates Jamie into attempting to rescue Victoria.

fd_Doctor_Who_1963_06x04

fd_Doctor_Who_1963_06x04_0

The Dominators By Norman Ashby 5:15pm - 5:40pm [SCENE_BREAK] 1, EXT: RUINED HOUSE (From outside explosions are still ripping through the concrete fa ade of the museum, as the building finally succumbs to gravity, rumbling down in clouds of smoke.) TOBA: Stop. QUARK: WORK COMPLETED. (Toba smiles at the destruction he has caused.) [SCENE_BREAK] 2, INT: SAUCER QUARK: ON THE ORDERS OF DOMINATOR TOBA THE BUILDING WAS DESTROYED, ALSO THE MAN CULLY. DOCTOR: But Jamie was in that building! (Rago advances menacingly upon the Doctor who shuts up. The large frame of the Dominator wheels around and addresses Toba.) RAGO: Silence! You deliberately disobeyed my order? TOBA: My life was threatened and a Quark destroyed. RAGO: Yes, because of your own actions! TOBA: Are you suggesting I should have let him escape? RAGO: And where would he have gone? We are on an island Toba, these creatures cannot escape. (He glares evilly.) RAGO: Now listen to me carefully, and this time you will obey my instructions. Send these creatures back to the central bore position, I want it cleared ready for drilling. TOBA: But the Quarks will do it more quickly! RAGO: We must conserve their energy for drilling purposes, you know the power levels are low! TOBA: Command accepted. Quark, bring these creatures. (A nearby Quark bibbles and Rago ascends the dais. Toba and his group move towards the exit.) RAGO: Leave the inferior types. (A Quark blocks the Doctor and Zoe's path.) RAGO: Toba! TOBA: Yes Navigator Rago? RAGO: I have not yet dismissed you. TOBA: But the creatures! (Rago steps down from the dais.) RAGO: Quarks, take these specimens back to the drilling site, await the arrival of Dominator Toba. (Two quarks shuffle away.) RAGO: You two! Over there. (The Doctor's Quark herds he and Zoe back towards the map wall.) DOCTOR: Alright, alright. TOBA: May I ask..? RAGO: You may ask nothing. You are here to listen. TOBA: I am listening. RAGO: Probationer Toba, I'm far from satisfied with your conduct on this mission. TOBA: I protest! RAGO: Be silent! I am beginning to wonder if you have the qualities of intelligence and detachment necessary in a Dominator. TOBA: Where have I failed? RAGO: You have repeatedly destroyed the creatures and installations of this planet to no purpose! TOBA: My purpose was to protect us both. RAGO: Protect?! These creatures are harmless primitives. You acted out of your desire to gratify a need for pointless destruction. TOBA: Was it by softness that the Dominators became masters of the ten galaxies? RAGO: It was by ruthlessness Probationer Toba; that which threatens us we destroy, that which is too weak to harm us we ignore. TOBA: Are they so harmless, these primitives? They've disobeyed us, they've attacked us - even here on this small island. The rest of the planet may be preparing to attack us even now! RAGO: I will investigate the more advanced type of alien for myself. You will concern yourself with obeying my orders and nothing more. I will report your conduct to fleet leader. (He walks away.) TOBA: And I shall protest at yours. (Rago freezes, and slowly moves to fix Toba with a steely glare.) RAGO: What did you say? TOBA: You've jeopardised our mission by unnecessary softness! You've humiliated me before members of an inferior race. Perhaps it is you who is not fit to be a Dominator?! RAGO: You have the insolence to threaten me? TOBA: It is not unknown for a leader who is unfit to be replaced! RAGO: It is not unknown for a mutinous subordinate to be executed! TOBA: You would not dare! RAGO: Quark! Place Dominator Toba under restraint. (The Quark wanders over to Toba.) QUARK: YES SIR? TOBA: Quark, return to the prisoners. (The robot makes to move away...) RAGO: Quark! I am the senior Dominator, you will obey me! (Sorting out it's inner conflict, the Quark advances on Toba again.) RAGO: Well Toba?! Shall I order molecular force, or do you submit?! TOBA: I submit. (He looks sheepish.) RAGO: Quark, return to the prisoners. (The Quark wanders back to the Doctor and Zoe.) ZOE: What was all that about? DOCTOR: A little internal dispute I fancy, mm? (He notices the Quark returning.) DOCTOR: Oh dear, oh! (In the centre of the ship Rago is still lecturing Toba. RAGO: You are fortunate that I still have need of your services. You will supervise work on the drilling site and make sure nothing delays your task. TOBA: Command accepted. (He rushes out. Rago stops by the dais.) RAGO: You two. Here! (The Doctor and Zoe join him. Rago's voice gains a soft decadence of total control.) RAGO: I have some questions to ask you about your planet. You will be advised to make sure your answers are satisfactory, for your own sakes... [SCENE_BREAK] 3, EXT: RUINED BUILDING (Toba angrily marches towards Kando, Teel and Balan with two Quarks.) TOBA: You two! Clear the site. Quark, guard them. Old man, follow me. Quark! (Toba and Balan move off with the Quark following, the remaining robot turns it's attention to Kando and Teel.) QUARK: OBEY THE DOMINATOR. CLEAR THE SITE. WORK! WORK! (They resume clearing the rocks.) TEEL: I wonder if Cully made it to the shelter? (Kando looks at the tangled remains of the museum.) KANDO: They'll almost certainly be dead if they were under that. Looks very quiet. (A short distance from where she is looking a small patch of rubble shifts slightly.) [SCENE_BREAK] 4, INT: SHELTER (Jamie makes an effort to turn a metal periscope which is set into the ceiling as Cully descends the ladder leading to a hatch above. The shelter is sparsely decorated with a bunk and a few old storage lockers. High up in the ceiling is a metal grille.) JAMIE: Nuh...No. No use, I can't see a thing. There must be tons of stuff on top of it, same as the hatch. CULLY: Well, we just have to sit and wait until someone comes and digs us out. JAMIE: You think they'll find us then? CULLY: Well of course. Balan told me where the this old shelter was, so surely they'll be able to work it out. JAMIE: Oh, I wish you'd told us about this place sooner. We could have got down here straight away. CULLY: What, and miss exploding that Quark? That was a tremendous shot! JAMIE: Aye, maybe so. I just hope the Dominators don't take it out on the others. CULLY: I wonder if those Quarks are still hanging about up there? JAMIE: Aye... If only we could open that hatch. (He ascends the ladder and heaves against the trapdoor.) JAMIE: No, it's no good. Feels as though the whole building's sitting on top of it. (Jamie jumps down panting heavily and rubbing his neck.) CULLY: Jamie, perhaps it is? JAMIE: Hey! CULLY: What's the matter? JAMIE: Just been thinking; have you noticed how stuffy in here it's getting? CULLY: Yes, now you mention it. JAMIE: Aye, that's the only ventilator shaft I can see and... Hey if that's blocked we'll suffocate! (They both rush back to re-examine the hatch.) [SCENE_BREAK] 5, INT: SAUCER RAGO: And this leader Senex, he is in the Capitol city? DOCTOR: Well I'm not sure, ah... RAGO: Quark, molecular force! (Zoe gets sucked towards a nearby wall where she sticks.) DOCTOR: No! RAGO: I asked you a question. (He glares maliciously as the Doctor looks helplessly at Zoe.) DOCTOR: Yes, yes...so you did. RAGO: Well? DOCTOR: Yes, yes Senex is at the Capitol. RAGO: These Dulcian travel machines, how do I summon one? (The Doctor makes a show of looking forlorn.) DOCTOR: Well you can't. The-the terminal at the survey unit was destroyed wasn't it? RAGO: Yes... By Toba. Prepare this ship for take off! (A Quark burbles at his order.) DOCTOR: But a-a-are you going to take your own craft to the Capitol? RAGO: I have no alternative. DOCTOR: Well actually, now I come to think of it I-I-I-I do know where there is a capsule. (Rago turns from the instruments.) DOCTOR: I-I I didn't tell you about it before because I-I'm not sure that it works, it has some loose wires and things. But I'm-I'm sure that you'd be able to fix it. RAGO: How big is this machine? Will it be able to transport a Quark? DOCTOR: Oh dear, I don't... RAGO: Then it is useless to our purpose, we will use our own machine. DOCTOR: Well actually, now-now I come to think of it, if you were to take out one of the seats a Quark might fit inside. RAGO: You will show me this machine. DOCTOR: Oh yes. (He bows a little and scurries towards Zoe.) RAGO: Quark. Prepare to transmit recorded data on work habits of tested specimens. Contact direct Fleet Leader. (The machine chirrups.) DOCTOR: Don't worry Zoe, the effect soon wears off. ZOE: Why did you tell him about the capsule? DOCTOR: Well if he takes this craft we won't be able to investigate it will we? ZOE: But why do you want to? DOCTOR: To find out what sort of power unit it has. Then we can tell what the Dominators are looking for on Dulkis. Besides, if they take us to the Capitol we won't be able to search for Jamie, will we? ZOE: That's true. Hey, wait a minute though; he might be alright if he and Cully... (Rago sweeps back.) RAGO: Silence! You will lead me to this travel craft. Quark, release the female. Follow. (A Quark turns off the molecular force and Zoe walks from the wall.) DOCTOR: There...there you are, you see? (The Quark ushers them out with an impatient chirp.) DOCTOR: Alright, it's alright! [SCENE_BREAK] 6, EXT: DRILLING SITE TOBA: Enough! Quarks, take up drilling positions. (The robot acknowledges.) TOBA: Old man, stand that drill between those Quarks over the drilling site. (Balan does so.) TOBA: Attach force units. (The Quarks clip their boxy little arms either side of the drill.) TOBA: Operate. (Balan shields his eyes from the harsh glare as the Quarks activate the ultrasonic drill. Toba notices a new Quark.) TOBA: Quarks, cease drilling. Report. QUARK: ORDERS FROM DOMINATOR RAGO. PROBATIONER TOBA TO REPORT. TOBA: Command accepted. Continue operation. (The Quarks start up again.) [SCENE_BREAK] 7, EXT: BEACH (Rago peers into the belly of the beached travel capsule.) RAGO: Hm, a primitive machine, but functional. The circuits need repairing. Minimal task. (Moving back to the Doctor.) RAGO: So, you were telling the truth. DOCTOR: Of course. RAGO: I'm glad you appreciate that to attempt sabotage would be pointless. (Toba appears.) TOBA: You sent for me. RAGO: Yes. I'm going to the alien leader to investigate potential slave force. You will remain here and complete the drilling operations. TOBA: Command accepted. You are travelling in this alien machine? RAGO: Yes. TOBA: Is that wise? It could be dangerous. RAGO: I have tested it, it is operable. I will take a Quark for protection. You will command in my absence, but I expect to find the same number of alien specimens on my return. TOBA: Command accepted. (Over to one side the Doctor and Zoe are whispering to themselves.) DOCTOR: Why didn't you tell me about this underground shelter before? ZOE: Well I'm sorry, but we haven't had a chance. Balan told us about it, and with any luck Jamie and Cully might have found their way down there. DOCTOR: Well it's possible, it-it's possible... ZOE: And if they have, they should be alright shouldn't they? DOCTOR: Well, well I think... TOBA: You two! Follow me. DOCTOR: Oh yes... (He holds a hand up in a pacifying gesture.) DOCTOR: Alright! (They leave.) [SCENE_BREAK] 8, INT: SHELTER (Jamie and Cully are Trying to force the hatch open by combing their efforts. They have removed a long pole-like section from the bunk, and are bracing it against the hatch, but to little avail.) JAMIE: Oh! CULLY: Gnnnh... Oh, it's no good, it's stuck again! (They rest a moment.) CULLY: Oh what shall we do? JAMIE: Look, there's only one thing to do; try again! Now come on will you?! CULLY: Oh! (With a grim determination they resume the struggle to free themselves.) [SCENE_BREAK] 9, EXT: RUINED MUSEUM (The pile of rubble shifts back and forth a little. As a large chunk of masonry rolls away from the main mess, the hatch pops open.) [SCENE_BREAK] 10, INT: SHELTER (Cully looks amazed by their success.) CULLY: We... We did it! JAMIE: Aye. Well, no point in hanging around eh? (Jamie ascends the ladder.) [SCENE_BREAK] 11, EXT: RUINED MUSEUM (Jamie cautiously pokes his nose above the rubble, gratefully breathing in lungfuls sweet, fresh air.) JAMIE: Huh. All clear. (He climbs out, followed by Cully, but ducks down as he sees a Quark taskmaster mercilessly slaving Kando and Teel a few metres away.) JAMIE: Oh no, Quarks again! They must be all over the place. Hey, I wonder how many there are? CULLY: Why? JAMIE: Well the Dominators don't seem much good without them, do they? CULLY: So? JAMIE: We destroyed one Quark, why not another? (Cully's tone raises in surprise.) CULLY: Attack the Quarks? JAMIE: Shhh! Yes. CULLY: But we had a laser gun before. And that's hidden under all this lot now. JAMIE: Look, there wasn't a laser gun where I come from, yet us McCrimmons still dealt with the redcoats right enough. CULLY: Redcoats? JAMIE: Aye, they were... Och, never mind! Look, are you with me? CULLY: Well...why not? JAMIE: Good! First thing to do is estimate the strength of the enemy. Come on, through there. (They leave.) [SCENE_BREAK] 12, EXT: SANDY CLIFF (Jamie's head appears over the top of the cliff and he looks down. Below are the two Quarks and their drill, still working away. Cully's head joins Jamie's, but Jamie pulls him out of sight. They both gaze down again, but a little more cautiously.) JAMIE: Five so far. Look, you take that side, I'll look around up here. (Cully walks for a little way, then starts a sound behind him. Jamie scrabbles down towards Cully, and grabs him to prevent himself from falling.) JAMIE: Sorry, I slipped. How many? CULLY: Two more, and you? JAMIE: Same here. CULLY: Balan's down there with those two. They seem to be doing some sort of drilling. (Drilling Quarks.) JAMIE: Aye, they're drilling in four places. It must be pretty important to the Dominators. CULLY: Yes. JAMIE: Right let's start some trouble. CULLY: But what can we do? JAMIE: Oh I've a wee idea that should just stir them up a bit. Come on! (Jamie leads Cully away by the hand.) [SCENE_BREAK] 13, INT: SAUCER (A Quark approaches Toba and burbles.) TOBA: Report. QUARK: DRILLING IN OPERATION ON ALL PERIMETER SITES. TOBA: Is the centre site cleared yet? QUARK: TASK NEAR COMPLETION. TOBA: Report progress to Fleet Leader direct. Operations proceeding as planned. (The machine signals it's understanding and walks off past the Doctor and Zoe who are already being guarded.) ZOE: What are they up to? DOCTOR: I don't know. We must find out exactly what they're drilling for. ZOE: Not a chance with this thing guarding us. DOCTOR: Yes... If only we could create a diversion for a moment. [SCENE_BREAK] 14, EXT: SANDY CLIFF (Jamie lobs a rock at the drilling Quark from a short distance away. It stops working and as the machine looks around in confusion, Jamie throws another.) JAMIE: Take this you wee tin kettle! (The throws another rock as the Quark spots him and builds up firepower in its weapons.) JAMIE: Argh! (Jamie ducks as a section of cliff to one side of him erupts in a miniature explosion.) JAMIE: Ah, ya missed me! (He throws a final rock, then runs. The Quark chases him through a nearby valley firing wildly, the force blasts missing Jamie by fractions each time.) JAMIE: Now Cully! (High above Cully heaves. A large boulder rolls over the edge of the cliff and down towards the Quark. Moments later it lies under pieces of broken rock, twitching feebly. Its usually chirrupy voice tails off as the smashed power units run down.) QUARK: QUARK ATT- [SCENE_BREAK] 15, INT: SAUCER (On the wall, a Quark-shaped light is blinking on and off as an alarm siren blares.) TOBA: Another Quark has been destroyed! Quark, follow. (He exits with the Quark.) ZOE: Somebody destroyed a Quark? But who? DOCTOR: Only one person here's strong enough to do that. ZOE: Jamie! Then he and Cully are alive! DOCTOR: Yes, alive and kicking by the sound of it! This is just what we needed, now there's no time to waste. (He rushes up onto the central dais and glances at it.) ZOE: What are you looking for? DOCTOR: Well now's our chance to investigate the power unit and-and find out what fuel this ship carries. ZOE: Well the Quarks use ultrasound. So presumably it must be a fuel capable of producing a high enough energy quotient to sustain an amplifying complex of considerably sophisticated design. DOCTOR: Yes, must be pretty powerful too. ZOE: Yes, well that's what... (She notices his expression and fold her arms snootily.) ZOE: Well if you don't want my help... DOCTOR: Oh I do, I do, I do, Zoe! (He skips around her.) DOCTOR: Now, where do you think these power cells are located? (He wanders over to the far wall and Zoe ascends the dais to look it over for herself.) ZOE: Well if the Quarks do use ultrasound to propel this craft... DOCTOR: No. Ultrasound has no horsepower, as such. (He moves to another console and continues to make his examination.) ZOE: Oh no. Well what do you think they use then? No solid fuel rockets surely. DOCTOR: No. More-more likely to be electromagnetic - probably produced by... Ah yes! (He rushes over to a boxy metal column in towards the rear of the chamber. The face of the column is constructed from a clear crystalline material behind which a mass of packed circuitry illuminated from below by a strange ethereal light. Below is a small, blank inspection hatch.) DOCTOR: Here we are Zoe! Help me to get the inspection cover off. (They struggle the hatch off and peer at a mass of blazing coils that descend deep into the bowels of the craft.) DOCTOR: Here we are, now then... (He frowns.) DOCTOR: Oh dear. ZOE: What? (The Doctor removes a small Geiger counter on a string from his pocket, and lowers down the well. As it goes down the rate of clicks increase.) ZOE: Atomic fission reactor? DOCTOR: No... No not exactly. But it's radioactive material of some sort. (He reels in his device, pockets it and with a click his fingers.) DOCTOR: Zoe, this is a storage unit! That accounts for the strange disappearance of the radioactivity from the island. This unit sucked it up and stored it! ZOE: But then why are they drilling out there? [SCENE_BREAK] 16, EXT: DRILLING SITE TOBA: A Quark has been destroyed old man, who did it? BALAN: I don't know. TOBA: Quark, report. QUARK: ALIEN ATTACK. TOBA: Who was it? BALAN: I didn't see, I was here being guarded by your Quark. (Toba grabs Balan by the shoulder.) TOBA: Is there a hostile force on this island? BALAN: No! We have no such... TOBA: Then who destroyed the Quark?! BALAN: I don't know...uhh! (Balan is thrown to the ground, Toba moves to his two Quarks.) TOBA: Quarks, search the island. Destroy any aliens unaccounted for. [SCENE_BREAK] 17, INT: COUNCIL CHAMBER TENSA: To remain passive is in itself a course of action. BOVEM: Director, Tensa speaks for the emergencies committee. Who else is competent to advise? We must do as he says. SENEX: Bovem, you say we must do as Tensa says, but that is negative for we can do nothing. This is our tragedy. Perhaps if we were to show these creatures we mean no harm? SECOND COUNCILLOR: It's always possible that they mean harm to us. FIRST COUNCILLOR: But why should they? Surely no civilised race would indulge in purposeless violence? (Rago bursts into the chamber to the accompaniment of gasps from the assembled Councillors. Tensa leaps back as the Dominator sweeps through the room carefully taking it all in.) TENSA: Look! SECOND COUNCILLOR: What, who? RAGO: You are the council of this planet? SENEX: Yes, I am the Director. RAGO: You control the population? SENEX: Yes. We presume that... (Bovem gets up, but Rago simply shoves him aside.) RAGO: I require information. BOVEM: If you'd care to make an appointment! COUNCILLOR TWO: There is, I'm sure, the correct procedure. RAGO: Listen and obey me! TENSA: Such discourtesy to our Director is not to be borne! RAGO: Silence! You will provide me with certain statistics, open your files. TENSA: Really sir, I must protest! (Rago regards him as he would a bothersome gnat, his voice dangerously quiet.) RAGO: Protest? You defy me, you defy a Dominator? TENSA: Senex is our leader and as such he demands respect! RAGO: I warn you, a Dominator must be obeyed. Your leader is nothing to me, I respect only one thing - superior force! (He strides back to Senex.) RAGO: You will obey my command. TENSA: Sir you would do better to request rather than command! RAGO: Silence! COUNCILLOR ONE: Yes, perhaps if we were to explain the correct Dulcian procedure to you? COUNCILLOR TWO: After all, your visit doesn't need... RAGO: I will give you no further warning! TENSA: I insist that you conduct this meeting in a manner acceptable to the Dulcian... RAGO: Quark, destroy! (Tensa screams, slumping to the ground and smoking profusely as Rago's Quark obediently toasts him like an overdone joint of bacon.) RAGO: I have no wish to repeat such action. Let it serve to teach you that a Dominator must be obeyed without question. You, Director. It will be necessary for you to place at my disposal a certain number of the strongest of your species. SENEX: You wish our assistance? (Rago seems amused.) RAGO: Assistance? You are indeed an ingenuous race. I require slaves! Nothing more, nor less. SENEX: Slaves, but... RAGO: Do not defy or question a Dominator, obey! Unless you wish to join your fellow countryman! SENEX: Had you come here in peace we would have done our utmost to assist you, but... RAGO: Dominators do not seek assistance - what we need we take! SENEX: Always by force? RAGO: If necessary. We control an entire galaxy, our war mission is spreading to colonise others. Our Quarks must be released for this task, therefore we must replace their workforce on our home planets. SENEX: So you require our people as slaves? RAGO: Yes. SENEX: So we shall be transported to your planet? RAGO: Those who are selected will be fortunate, they will be saved. SENEX: Saved? From what? What of the rest of our people? RAGO: Enough questions, you will obey my commands! I shall require only the strongest of your species. You will be informed exactly how many I require. (He points down to the charred cadaver.) RAGO: Remember, you can be crushed as simply as that if you do not cooperate. Quark follow. (They exit leaving a bewildered council. Bovem moves to examine Tensa.) [SCENE_BREAK] 18, EXT: DRILLING SITE TOBA: A drilling site has been attacked and a Quark destroyed. Who is responsible? KANDO: Cully, he must be! TOBA: What do you know about this? TEEL: How can we know anything? We've been here working! TOBA: Silence! (He grabs Kando and viciously twists her arm.) TOBA: ...Talk! TEEL: Leave her alone! (Toba throws her aside.) TOBA: Do you dare to defy a Dominator? TEEL: Just leave her alone! (Teel rushes towards Toba who casually grabs him and forces him to the floor with sadistic enjoyment.) TOBA: Obviously you must be taught a lesson! Quarks, target! (Two Quarks stand to attention.) KANDO: Oh no! (Toba holds her back as she attempts to help Teel.) TOBA: No-one attacks a Dominator! Quark, power! (Teel screams and writhes as the machines electrocute him.) KANDO: Oh stop! (Toba nods and the Quarks fall silent.) TOBA: Well, who was it that attacked and destroyed the Quarks? KANDO: It must have been Cully. TOBA: The man Cully is destroyed! (He grabs her arm.) KANDO: Then he must have escaped. There's no-one else on the island! TOBA: Yeah there is! The other stupid one, the boy... Where would he hide? KANDO: I don't know! (Toba thinks for a moment, then decides upon a course of action.) TOBA: Bring these back to the Dominator's craft. Help him! One of you creatures must know where the boy is. And you will tell me. Follow! (The Quark chatters.) [SCENE_BREAK] 19, INT: SAUCER DOCTOR: And Jamie really destroyed another Quark? BALAN: Yes, I feel sure it was Jamie. DOCTOR: Yes er, Balan... Oh...er... (He avoids a menacing Quark as he paces the room.) DOCTOR: Balan, can you remember where the...where the scientists who exploded that first atomic device got their...got their materials from? BALAN: Many years ago, but I think that it was somewhere in the Northern hemisphere. ZOE: That's the other side of the planet. Then why are the Dominators drilling here? BALAN: Oh they can't drill too deep here because the crust is too thin. (The Doctor snaps his fingers.) DOCTOR: But perhaps that's why they've chosen this place! The magma - the molten core of the planet, could that be radioactive? BALAN: No. If so we'd have been aware of it from the minor eruptions we have from time to time. ZOE: But this whole operation was to refuel their fleet, but how? DOCTOR: It's these drill holes that intrigue me. One at each corner of a square, and one directly in the middle. But why, why? Oh! (He looks up as the door raises with a hum and Toba moves in.) TOBA: Put them with the others. (The Quarks move Kando and Teel towards the main group.) TOBA: Now, I want to know where the other creature is, the boy. The other stupid one. He has destroyed a Quark and defied the Dominators. Where is he? (Stood in a line with no hope of escape, the group remains silent.) TOBA: Quark! (The robot moves into position beside him, its stubby little arms outstretched as if to administer a lethal mechanical hug.) TOBA: You will die one by one unless you tell me. Kill! (The Quark builds up the power and empties its force units into Balan who screams horribly, dying wreathed in a choking fug of his own cooking organs.) TOBA: You! You're next, you know the boy, where is he? (The Doctor stands shifting uncomfortably under Toba's harsh gaze. The room is completely still as all assembled including the Quarks watch the Doctor for his reaction.) TOBA: Answer or you will die!

The Doctor and Zoe are interrogated by Rago, who is planning to present his terms to the Dulcian council, while Jamie and Cully try to find a way to strike back against the Quarks.

fd_True_Blood_02x02

fd_True_Blood_02x02_0

At the Fangtasia. Eric has killed the man. (See the 201). Eric: Die...If you have any silver on you, now would be the time to reveal it. : No way. I ain't that stupid. Eric: Yes, you are. Is there blood in my hair? : What? Eric: Is there blood in my hair? : I don't know, I can't see in this light. Eric: How about now? : Yeah, there's a little bit of blood there. Eric: This is bad. Pam is gonna kill me. : Who the f*ck is Pam? Eric: Why, do you wanna meet her? : No. No. I'm good. Eric: You're going to. : Where are you taking me? Eric: To find out what you know. I wouldn't try anything rash if I were you. I'm still hungry. Credits. Bill's room. Sookie: Another first. Bill: How do you mean? Sookie: We've never had make-up s*x before. Bill: How does it compare to "You thought I was dead" s*x? Sookie: That was pretty great too, but I wouldn't want to go through that again. I hate the feeling I can lost you. Bill: And yet you like fighting with me. Sookie: I don't like it. It's just... Bill: Let's not get too used to it then. We don't want to be one of those couples. Sookie: Yeah, right. Holy! I am so embarrassed I could die. Bill: What is it? Sookie: Jessica, I completely forgot she was here.Think she heard us? Bill: No. If she had, she'd have no compunction about letting us know it. Sookie: You know, you might want to try going a little easier on her. It's hard enough being a teenage girl without... Bill: She is a vampire, Sookie. Sookie: So are you. And yet parts of your former self are still in there, right? I wouldn't be with you if they weren't. Bill: But I've had to work extremely hard at finding my way back to my humanity. Fragile as it may be. When a vampire's as new as Jessica is, she has no humanity. She's in the grips of an overwhelming number of transformations. There will be times when she cannot control even a single impulse. Believe me, she has many. Sookie: How is that any different from being a teenage girl? No humanity, check. In the grips of overwhelming transformations, check. Cannot control impulses, check. All right. How is that different? Bill: All right, so, what do you suggest I do? Just spoil the girl? Give in to her every whim and desire? After all, that is what every teenage girl wants, isn't it? Sookie: You don't have to be sarcastic with me, Bill Compton. And you should at least think about what I'm saying, if for no other reason than what you're doing right now isn't working out so hot. Kind of ironic. We promised each other we weren't gonna fight anymore, and yet here we are. Bill: This isn't a fight. Sookie: Yes, it is. Bill: Prepare to be made up to. Back to the Fangtasia. Pam: This is a disaster. We'll have to go much shorter than I planned. Eric: Yeah, well, I said I was sorry, Pam. But he took silver to me. You were there. You saw it. Defend me. : I don't know what it is you wanna know, but point me in the direction, and I give to you. Eric: I've seen your website. It's quite, low rent. But your clients miss you. They're wondering if you're ever coming back. Lafayette: Am I? Look, I'm here because of the V, right? How'bout I give you the names of everybody I ever sold to? Pam: And all this time I thought prostitutes were good at keeping secrets. : Don't get it twisted, honeycomb, I'm a survivor first, a capitalist second, and a whole bunch of other sh1t after that. But a hooker, dead last. So if I got even a Jew at an al Qaeda pep rally shot at getting my black ass up out this m*therf*cker, I'm taking it. Now, what you wanna know? Eric: The vampire you had your little arrangement with. Eddie Fournier. What happened to him? : I don't know. I swear to God I don't. Last time I saw him he was doing real good. But I think he may have been taken by somebody. Eric: By whom? : I don't know. I mean I ain't sure. Eric: That's not very forthcoming of you. Chow, you're up. Layette: No, chill out. sh1t. I think it... I think it was... Jason Stackhouse. Eric: Jason Stackhouse? Pam: Sookie's brother. Could be fun. Eric: Fun, but also stupid. Sookie is too important for us now. Pam: That's true. Eric: Sadly, this information is of no use to me. Not now, anyway. I understand dealers of vampire blood sometimes trade product with one another across state lines. Any buyers in the Dallas area? : One. He never gave me his name though. I have an e-mail address. pussylover9(a)shemail.com Eric: A friend of mine in the Dallas area, his name is Godrick, has gone missing. Now, while the circumstances of his disappearance are unclear, it stands to reason his blood would be very valuable, as he's over twice my age and ten times the vampire I will ever be. Pam: Eric, you don't do humble well. Eric: I was not being humble. This happens to be true. Your associate, this "pussylover". Has he or she mentioned any new product coming on the market? : No, no. And I would tell you. You know that. Eric: Take our guest and lock him back out, will you? : f*ck, I ain't going back down there. I gave you... Eric: You gave me nothing! : I'm not going back. Eric: Chow, now. : I gave you every... I gave you everything! I ain't going back down! Jason is in the bus with some people of the Friendship of the Sun. Luke: Luke McDonald. No relation to the restaurant Jason: Any relation to the farm? Luke: What farm? Jason: Never mind. Jason Stackhouse. Nice to meet you. Luke: You play ball? What position? Jason: QB one, actually. Luke: Tight end. Second team all-American. Jason: I don't doubt it, man. Look at you. You'd make one hell of a target. I'd have liked throwing to you. Luke: You would have. Blew my knee out. Freshman year at college. Texas A&M. Jason: You had the scholarship and everything? Luke: Everything happens for a reason. If it weren't for my knee, I'd have never found my true calling. And it might have taken me three solid years of Bible study and abstinence and applying and reapplying to do it, but it was all worth it. It all led me to this moment, right here, getting on this here bus. How about you? When'd you set your heart on going to leadership conference? Jason: Two days ago. Luke: Two days ago. Jason: I didn't know about it till then. I was having breakfast with Steve and Sarah, and they asked me if I wanted to come. Luke: You had breakfast with Steve and Sarah? Jason: What? Luke: I'll tell you what. With luck like yours, maybe some of it will rub off on me. You wanna bunk together? Jason: sh1t, yeah. Luke: Don't say "sh1t". Jason: sh1t? Oh, no. Luke: It's okay. Jason: Right. Luke: It's okay. Forgive yourself. Let's sing. At Maryann's house. Eggs: I was wondering when you would wake up. : Come here. Eggs: What? : You smell nasty and nice, all at the same time. So, as I was trying to sleep last night, I realized I don't know that much about you. And I'd kind of like to, or... When it comes to men, I've got a long history of putting the cart so far out in front that the horse can't see it. So now I'm just trying to get it right. Eggs: You like me, Tara. No, I know you do. : Of course I like you. Take a shower in your sweat, if I could. Eggs: I mean, we've known each other for what now, couple weeks? I mean, people usually take years unloading their baggage, so I'm trying to figure out what's the rush? : The rush is I was just curious. Now I see how bad you want to avoid it, I ain't just curious anymore. I'm worried. Eggs: I don't have a job. : I already figured that out. Get to the good stuff. Eggs: The day we met, remember I told you I was worse off than you when Maryann found me? The truth is I was... living under a freeway overpass without a penny in my pocket. And that's a penny I still don't have today, by the way. : I don't care about money. Eggs: I've spent some time in prison. : What for? Eggs: Drugs. : Possession or dealing? Eggs: I gotta pick one? : Colorful. Eggs: And I also served some time for armed robbery and assault. But I got out early on the assault charge for good behavior, so... : That's a plus. Eggs: You oughta know. Sookie's house. On the TV: Our own Mary Simmons spoke to the parents at their home in Shreveport earlier today If anyone has seen our daughter or even if you're the person who took her she's our first-born And she's a goodhearted smart girl who's never done anything to harm anybody So please just bring her home. We just want to see our baby again. Another harrowing appeal from young Jessica Hamby's mother... Camp at the Light of Day. Sarah: And so it is with open arms that Steve and I welcome all of you to the Light of Day leadership conference. Tomorrow's leaders today. Amanda will be coming around with your ring of honesty. Your ring symbolizes the promise... Amanda: Welcome. Sarah: ... to us... Jason: Thank you. Sarah: ... and to yourselves. That you will always be completely honest and open while here on this campus. Also, bear in mind, that your ring is made out of real silver. So protect it with all your heart. And maybe one day, your ring will protect you. A man: Die, fangers! Sarah: Now, some of you already have friends here, but most of you probably don't. And this is nothing to worry about. Because you will all be fast friends, as you all have one thing in common. Because for every one of you, today is the day His Holy Light begins to shine on you. People: Amen, brother! Steve: Amen. People: That's right. Whoopsy daisy. At the Merlott's. Sam: You'll get the hang of it. Daphne: Sure. Sam: You're late. (to Tara who is coming). : Sorry. Maryann: How about me? Am I on time? : I'm gonna go punch you in. Maryann: I was in and out of here fast last night I barely got a look at the place. It's... It's so... Vibrant. Sam: Thanks for your concern, but there's a big rodeo on Monroe today. So that's why we slow. Maryann: Tara says the food here is wonderful, so let's see what I'm in the mood for. Daphne: It's my first table. Wish me luck. Sam: I got this one. Daphne: Are you sure? Sam: You just focus on one thing at a time. Sam: Stop f*cking with me. Maryann: Tableside visit from the owner himself. I must be important. Sam: I want you to leave. Maryann: You're not really gonna refuse me service, are you? I mean after I forgave you a hundred thousand dollar loan, the least you could do is let me buy myself some lunch. Sam: What can I get you? Maryann: I think I will go with the stuffed snapper with the crawfish topping, the blackened rib eye, the red beans and rice, the fried catfish, and... dear, now, would it be possible to get the smothered pork chops for lunch, even though it's here on the dinner entr es? Now, how are your...? Back to the conference. They are playing a game outside. Jason: That's how you capture the flag. Luke: Capture that. Steve: All right, show us your muscles. I wanna see the flag you captured. Here comes Stackhouse. He's back. I see you. Nice hair. That's what I'm talking about right there. Sookie is coming at the Merlott's. : What are you doing here? I thought it was your day off. Sookie: It is. : How many times do I tell you that coming in to work when you don't have to is pathetic? It's like going back to school and visiting your teachers. Sookie: I didn't come to see them. I came to see you. So come on. Take a break. : Sam will be pissed. Sookie: He's always pissed. Terry: I'm losing it, Sam. Sam: Terry, come on. What is this? Terry: It ain't my fault. How the hell am I supposed to read her writing? Sam: Daphne, Daphne! Back to the Fangtasia. : m*therf*cker. He has seen something in the leg of the man who has been killed at the beginning. With that he "can be free" and is going to find a solution to save himself. At the Merlott's. : So, basically, you're like a stepmother to a vampire? Sookie: Okay, you did not just call me that. What about you? How've you been? : I'm confused. Sookie: About what? : I've been living over at Maryann's for the last couple weeks? Sookie: I do. : In a lot of ways, I don't ever wanna leave. I mean, everything is taken care of for me there. My bed gets made, my laundry gets done, there's breakfast on the patio served to you by a chef. Sookie: Can I move in? : Seriously, right? But it scares me too. And maybe that's just 'cause I'm not used to taking and not giving, but something inside me says, "This is weird, Tara. "Don't trust it. " What do you think? Does all this sound too good to be true to you? Sookie: I think before I answer that, I have to tell you I may have a conflict of interest in all this. : Conflict of interest? Sookie: The main reason I came to see you today was... Tara Thornton, would you like to move in with me? : Really? Are you serious? Sookie: Of course I'm serious. It would be so much fun. And we know we get along. When we were kids, you slept over more often than you didn't, and we never wanted to pull each other's hair out or anything. : That's where you're wrong. I was always jealous of your long blond hair. More than once I thought about cutting it. Sookie: You did not. : Yes, I did. Sookie: So, what do you think? 'Cause I've been trying to get my act together, to move into Gran's room for the past couple weeks, and your moving in might be the kick in the butt I need to do it. They heard a noise. Sam: That's right on my feet. How am I supposed to ignore that? Daphne: I'm sorry. : If you wanna make it to Bill's tonight, you better get out of here before Sam asks you to stay. Sookie: You're probably right. Maryann: Is this the infamous Sookie? Sookie: It's nice to meet you. Maryann: Oh, likewise. You're very special, you know. I mean, to have been through everything you have in your life, not to mention the last few weeks and to emerge through all of it walking, let alone smiling. It's simply astonishing. Maryann thinks: I see what you mean about her, Tara. She has an old soul, doesn't she? Sookie: Sorry. I'm usually good at placing people's accents, but yours I can't get a handle on. Where are you from? Maryann: Cape Cod. Best potato chips in the world. Sookie: I'd love to stay and chat, but I'm running late. Let me know what you decide about moving in, all right? 'Cause... I think it'd be really great. Maryann: She asked you to move in with her? That was awfully nice. : Yeah, but...I don't know wha'm doing, so. To the Fangtasia. Lafayette is going up to the bar. Ginger: Who the f*ck are you? : sh1t. Ginger: Well? : It's daytime. Thank you, Jesus. Thank you, God. You're human, right? Ginger: Kind of. But I ain't letting you go. If that's what you're thinking. : Look at you. Not only is you sexy, but you can read minds too. That getting me all riled up in my nether regions. Ginger: Don't you try and flirt with me. They told me to pay special attention to the faggot drag queen in the basement. : Skank ass bitch, you gonna let me up outta here! Ginger: I do that, I'm good as dead. And you know it. Don't you move. : You ain't gonna shoot me, not with them shaky-ass hands. You ain't got the stomach for it. She Shoots. Bitch. Ginger: Holy fucker. I'm sorry. I'm so f*cking sorry. I hate guns! : I'm the one who got shot. Will you quit screaming and go get me a doc before I bleed the f*ck out? Goddamn. Hurry up. m*therf*cker. Ginger: These are all dirty. : Just give me the f*cking towel. Back to the camp. There are some concerts. The band: Jesus, everybody. Honesty. Jason: Honesty, babe! Steve: Let's hear it again for our very own Amanda James! You did very good, honey. People: Definitely. Honesty. Steve: That was "Jesus Asked Me Out Today", and it's on her new album, which drops next Tuesday, is that right? Amanda: Look for it at Wal-Mart, Target, Cosco, and of course the single's already available for download on iTunes. So check it out. Steve: I love you, Amanda! You hate to have to follow that. All right. Go on, go on, sit down. Now finally tonight, we're gonna wind things down with a little game, which, while fun, should also be instructive. Because as each of you heads out into the world, at some point, you will be faced with real life encounters with vampire sympathizers. And we want to make sure that you're ready. So, Sarah, honey, can you come on up here, please? Now, I'm gonna ask my beautiful bride to play the part of a sympathizer. Sarah: Oh, come on, y'all, it's just pretend. Steve: And... Jason Stackhouse. Why don't you come on up and play the part of the good guy? Jason: Me? Steve: You captured the flag, didn't you? People: You the man, Jason! Go, Shreve, go! [SCENE_BREAK] At Bill's home. Jessica: I just saw my parents on TV. Sookie: Oh, no. I'm sorry. Jessica: I finally get why they never wanted me to watch it in the first place. It's horrible. Sookie: Where's Bill? Jessica: I have no idea. All he told me was, "Jessica, I have errands to run. "Errands which do not require your presence. "So remain here and do your best to stay out of trouble while I'm gone." And I hate it here. I hate it so much. I... I think I miss them. Sookie: Your parents? Jessica: And my little sister. I was always totally horrible to her. I was just such a brat... What's wrong? Sookie: Sweetie, vampires don't cry regular tears. So when you cry, you're gonna cry blood from now on. Jessica: Why do you know that and I don't? Don't you think I should know this about myself? Sookie: Bill should probably have told you. Jessica: Jeez, you think? Sookie: Here's some tissue. Look, I don't know if it helps at all, but I think I kind of know how you feel. At least a little. Jessica: No, you don't. Sookie: I'm not saying it's the same, but I lost my gran a few weeks ago, and she was everything to me. Everything I knew, and now she's gone. Jessica: But grandparents are supposed to die, and you're still alive. I mean, with me, I'm the one that's dead. Sookie: It doesn't really matter who's dead. When people love each other, and then suddenly one of them isn't there anymore, it's the distance that hurts. And the distance is the same no matter who's doing the leaving. Jessica: What do you do when you feel so far away you can't stand it? Sookie: Well, sometimes I'll go into her room and just sit there a spell. Jessica: That helps? Sookie: I don't know why, but just being someplace where she's been, it makes me feel better, at least a little bit. Jessica: You think you could drive me to my parents' so... Sookie: Okay, I did not mean to... You know I can't do that. Jessica: Please. I would just sit in the car. I swear. All I'm asking is to sit across the street and catch a glimpse of them through the window. Just so I can say goodbye. Sookie: I'm sorry. It's just not my place. But if you explained it to Bill the same way you just explained it to me, I'm sure he'd take you. Jessica: Are you really sure about that? 'Cause I'm not so sure he would. Sookie: Ok. Jessica:. Really? Sookie: But we're just driving by and that's it. And we should swing by my place and get you a change of clothes, because I am not taking you out in public dressed like that. Jessica: Thank you, Sookie. Thank you so, so, much. Sookie: Don't mention it. To Bill. Ever. Bill is doing some shopping. A woman is coming to him. A seller: You look positively lost. Bill: Yes, I do feel a little... at sea. The seller: I can help you pick something out if you'd like. You're looking for your daughter? Bill: My daughter, Jessica. The seller: Such a pretty name. What do you think of this? Bill: It's very nice, but I don't think so. The seller: My, we are conservative, aren't we? Bill: No, not really. Just old-fashioned. The seller: Don't be silly. You don't look old enough to be old-fashioned. Not by a long shot. Bill: You'd be surprised. The seller: You're funny. And cold. Well, you're not... Bill: I am vampire. Yes. The seller: Tell you what. Why don't you come with me to the dressing room and I could model this for you? Bill: That's very kind of you, but no thank you. The seller: You sure, now? Bill: I am. Eric: Good evening, old sport. Bill: Eric ? Eric: It's the new me. You like? Bill: I do. Very much. The seller: Oh Okay. (She thinks that Bill is gay). Eric: We need to talk. Back to the camp. Jason: Listen, lady, if you're gonna give them all the rights that normal people have, then how am I supposed to protect my sweet little girl from any vampire who wants to just fly on in and marry her? Sarah: You have a daughter? Jason: Well, I was a pretty bad boy up until the Light of Day leadership conference. So yeah. It's entirely possible that I could. Sarah: Well, I don't give a hoot about your daughter. In fact, nothing you say about vampire rights is gonna change my mind. Because... I am a vampire. Jason: I'm so sorry. Sarah: It's okay. Steve: You all right? Sarah: It's okay. To the Merlott's. Terry: I got another deluxe, I can't guarantee that it's cooked. Arlene: Honey, you are sweating like a ice-water pitcher. Terry: I'm feeling the pressure, Arlene. I don't like feeling the pressure. Arlene: When was your last break? Terry: I ain't taking one. Arlene: I'm coming around there. Daphne! Order up! Terry: f*cking... Arlene: Give me your tongs. Terry: I'm fine. Arlene: Give me your tongs. Taking a break. Be a doll, take that out to table four. Daphne: Which one's table four again? Well, I... I'll find it. I'll find it. She ain't working out. Terry: Nope. It's funny. Most of these orders are going out to table four. What the hell's going on at table four? Maryann: Miss! Miss? I think you're looking for me. Daphne: I'd have stood there all night if you hadn't noticed me. So, thanks. Maryann: Are you new here? Daphne: How could you tell? Maryann: Because you care about doing good. Now you just keep on caring and one day you'll be the best at what you do. That's my advice. Sam: Don't you think you've had enough? Andy: I know what you're thinking. Nine years sober. Why give it all up? Well, what I got to say to that is: why the hell not? Sam: Lots of people in this town don't need to see you this way. Andy: The people in this town don't see me. Not for what I really am. Sam: Well, how about you quit feeling sorry for yourself and suck it up? You want respect from people, start by respecting yourself. Andy: Bud took me off a case, Sam. I don't know about you, but in my book that's a capital D motion. Sam: I'm sorry, I didn't know that. Andy: I'll get back on the right path tomorrow but tonight... Don't cut me off, all right? Sam: No problem. Sam: One of the things I set out to do when I opened up here, was to have a place where you could come, get a drink, and nobody would bother you to dance. Sam: I am with you there. I hate to dance. This one time, I was in a club in Shreveport, and I actually had a woman tell me I looked like an epileptic on meth. Never again, Sam. Never again. Maryann makes dance some people. At the shop. Eric: The sheriff of Area 9 in Texas has gone missing. Have you heard about that? Bill: I hadn't, but I know the vampire of whom we speak. His name is Godrick, correct? Eric: Indeed. Now it goes without saying he needs to be found. Which is where Sookie comes in. As she's yours, I'm asking your permission to take her with me to Dallas. Bill: Eric, you can do whatever you want with me, but I am not putting her in this position anymore. I cannot and I will not allow you to bring her into these matters. Eric: We made a deal, your human and I. That if I didn't kill, she would work for me as often as I like. Now, you remember this, don't you? You were there. Bill: Taking her cross state lines is a far cry from taking her to Fangtasia for the evening. I'm only asking your permission out of respect. If I want her, I can simply take her. Is "no" your final answer? Bill: It is. Eric: Poorly played, Bill. Jessica & Sookie. Jessica: Here, this is it. Across the street. My daddy won't be home yet, but my mama and sister should be there. Sookie: I'm sorry. Jessica: Well, why are you crying? Sookie: Because I did this to you. If Bill hadn't... I took your life away, and I know there's no way you'll ever be able to forgive me. It's not even right to ask. But I had no idea it was gonna lead to this. Jessica: I don't blame you, Sookie. Sookie: How's that even possible? Jessica: There's my sister. Sookie: Get back in the car! You promised. We heard: Fault front door. Jessica: Mom? Sookie: Don't cry. Jessica's sister: Where were you? Jessica's mother: It doesn't matter. Just call your father. And... And tell him that Jessica's home. Jessica: Momma, I'd like to introduce you to my... my friend. This is Sookie. Jessica's mother: Thank you so much for bringing her back. Sookie: You're welcome. Jessica: Aren't you gonna invite us in? Sookie: What?! No, no. We can't stay. Jessica's mother: Honey, your arm's like ice. Come on in and I'll make you some tea. Come on. Back to the Merlott's. A woman: What just walked through that door? : Trouble. Eggs, I'm working. Eggs: I know. I'm sorry. I got something to say, and I want you to hear me out, all right? The woman: I'll hear you out. : Jane Bodenhouse. You are a crazy-ass drunk, but normally you wait for some loser to hit on you. What the hell has gotten into you? Jane: I don't know. : What? Eggs: All right. Listen. My dad left us when I was a little kid. So I don't remember shitabout him except this: he used to always say, "You can't get what you want in life, "so in order to get it, you have to appear not to want it." Well, I say f*ck that. I wanna be with you, Tara, and I refuse to pretend I don't. Maryann: Detective Bellefleur, you come dance with me. Andy: I don't dance. Maryann: With me you do. Come on! Come on! Andy: What the hell! It's my last night drinking. At the camp. Luke: Think you walk on water, don't you? Jason: I'm pretty sure that was Moses. Luke: No, it was Jesus. Moses parted the Red Sea. And what was the deal with you snapping the American flag in half like you some Muslim Buffy with a dick? That's all kinds of messed up. Jason: I'm sorry you didn't like it, Mac, but everyone else... Luke: Your being here is a joke, Stackhouse. They may not see it now, but they will. Day one might have went to you. Day two belongs to the Luke-inator. Jason sees pictures in his head and hears again: Die, fangers! Jason Stackhouse, you're a tool of Satan. He probably tripled it. Traitor. Just drink. They may not see it now, but they will. Goddamn it. At the Merlott's. Sam is taking Maryann in his office. Sam: What the f*ck is going on out there? Maryann: What you're talking about. Sam: The dancing and the gyrating and the people nearly having s*x on the pool table? Maryann: I don't know what to tell you. People came back in a good mood. Sam: Damn it, Maryann, this is my bar, these are my people. This is my town! Don't do that. I've seen you do that before. Stop it. (He's becoming a dog). Maryann: What I just did to you, I can do anytime, anywhere. So unless you want your customers to know your little secret, you better think twice before you threaten me ever again. Do we understand each other? Back to Jessica's home. Sookie: I don't normally cuss, but you have completely f*cked me. Jessica: I know and I'm sorry, but I swear it was like it wasn't even me doing it. It must be those new vampire impulse control issues. Sookie: f*ck your impulse control issues. Jessica's sister: Here some sandwiches, Mom's making tea. Jessica: Oh, thanks, Eden. Sookie: Thank you. Jessica's mother: Eden, You already had dinner. Don't touch those sandwiches. Jessica's sister: You're pretty. Sookie: Why, that's awful nice of you. And you're very pretty yourself. Jessica's siter: I'm not. Got a problem with hair. We heard: Fault: front door. Jessica's father: How could you do this? Jessica: Daddy. Jessica's father: Do you have any idea what you put your mother through? Why, Jessica? You tell me why? Sookie: Mr. Hamby! Jessica's father: Or I will make you tell me! Jessica: Go ahead, Daddy. Get your belt. But this time, I'll be ready for you. To the Fangtasia. Chow: How much blood do you think he's lost? Pam: Oh, I still think he has something to offer. Chow: I hate to let it all go to waste like this. Seems a shame we have to wait for him. Pam: Maybe one day you'll be sheriff and you can make the rules. Chow: I doubt that. Pam: Me too. Eric: Sorry to keep you waiting for so long. How's the leg? : Shitty. Thanks for asking. Eric: After all your proclamations about what a model prisoner you were going to be, you had to try to escape. : You were going to kill me anyway, right? Eric: Now you'll never know. So, what's it gonna be, Lafayette? Would you like the leg to kill you, or would you prefer us to do it? : I'm gonna go with plan C. Eric: There's a plan C? : Make me a vampire. Eric: I beg your pardon? : And you can put me to work in the bar. I'm a good dancer. You seen it on my site. sh1t, I get up there and move Earth and heaven, go-go style. Eric: You are aware there's a gaping hole in your leg? You're damaged goods. : Not if you turn me. I'll be good as ever. Look, I... I'm already a person of poor moral character, so I'll hit the ground running. And I damn near glamour people already. Give me what y'all got, and it's on me, cracker. Not only will I be a badass vampire, but I'll be your badass vampire. Eric: Interesting. I'll take it under advisement. Pam? Chow? Showtime. Back to Jessica's home. Jessica's father: How could you let some bloodsucker bite you like that? Jessica: I didn't let anybody do anything me. But, am I glad he did. 'Cause now, I get to homeschool you in what it's like to be scared. Sookie: Jessica! Jessica: Jesus Christ, Sookie. Would you shut the f*ck up? Jessica's sister: You okay? Jessica's mother: Baby, please. This isn't you. Jessica: You don't know anything about me. You're too dumb to know anything. Sookie: Jessica! Jessica: What? She is dumb. She's dumber than a sack full of hammers, and he's as mean as a snake. And that's the way it's always gonna be around here. So I am ending it. Right here, right now. And I am doing it with your belt. Jessica's sister: Daddy? Jessica's father: It's okay, baby. Jessica: Don't worry. This will only hurt for a minute. Bill: Jessica, let him go. Jessica: But... Bill: As your maker I command you. Jessica's mother: God help us. Sookie: Thank God you're here. Bill: Shut up. Now, someone who lives here must invite me in. Jessica's father: Don't, he's one of them. He'll kill us all. Sookie: He won't. He's not like that. Bill: You. Little girl. Come here. Jessica's father: Come back here! Jessica's mother: Eden, don't. Bill: Good girl. Now, you listen to me. I'm here to protect you. You and your mother and your father. I am your friend. So you just invite me in and I can make everything stop. Jessica's sister: You can? Won't you please come in, sir? Sookie: I'm sorry. Bill: Get the hell outta here. So I can clean up your mess. Sookie: Please don't kill them. Bill: This is your fault. Now get the hell outta here. End of the episode.

After making up with Bill, Sookie suggests that he take it a little easier on Jessica as she is just a teenager. Bill tries to convince Sookie that a vampire as new as she is not capable of controlling her impulses and that she could be dangerous. En route to the Light of Day Leadership conference, Jason becomes fast friends with an anti-vampire zealot named Luke. However, after Jason makes a good impression on Steve Newlin, and Sarah Newlin in particular, Luke's good-natured friendship turns to bitter jealousy, and he tells Jason that he doesn't belong there. Eric approaches Bill and demands that he and Sookie help in finding a vampire sheriff named Godric , who has gone missing in Dallas. Meanwhile, Tara finds out more about Eggs' past as a criminal, and he makes it clear that he is interested in her. After a failed attempt to escape from the basement of Fangtasia, Lafayette is shot. He asks Eric, Pam and Chow to turn him into a vampire rather than kill him. Fangs bared, they ferociously bite him. Jessica realizes she misses her family after seeing her parents, who think she has just gone missing, on TV. She asks Sookie to take her to see her family and Sookie agrees, on the condition that Jessica stay in the car. Although she agrees, when they arrive at the house, Jessica cannot resist meeting with her old family. When her father comes home, he angrily accuses her of putting the family through hell. Even though Sookie tries to stop her, Jessica attacks her father and threatens to kill him for all the times he beat her. However, Bill shows up and glamors his way into the house just in time. The episode ends on an ominous note, with Bill throwing Sookie out of the house barking at her that he has to "clean up her mess".

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[PREVIOUSLY_ON] Brooke is attacked in her store, she confides to Deb. Brooke: Were you robbed? Last night. You can't tell anyone, okay? Deb, you own a gun, right? I want you to teach me how to use it. A girl tries to steal clothes at Brooke's store. Brooke: Shoplift much? Samantha: I don't know what you're talking about. What are you doing?! Get off me, bitch! Dan is kidnapped by Carrie. He tries to escape. Carrie: I am going to do the world a favor and l'll kill you, but first, I'm gonna get Jamie back. And you're gonna help me. Carrie: Where do you think you're going? Nathan wonders about the person who dates with her mother, Skills is in a bad posture. Nathan: Apparently, my mom's dating some freak she met online. I'm gonna find out who this jerk is. And when I do, it's gonna get ugly. Jamie wants to made a cape for his friend Quentin, who gave him a present. Quentin: I used to put all my little treasures in here. Now you can, too. Jamie: Can you help me make a cape? Quentin really likes mine. I thought maybe we could make one for him, too. Q is murdered by a man at the service station. Man: Have a nice night. Somebody calls Lucas in the middle of the night to announce the bad news to him. Lucas: Oh, my god. Peyton: Lucas, what is it? Lucas: Quentin Fields was shot tonight. He's dead. Beginning of the episode Lucas'house (night) Samantha's voiceover: "Quentin Fields was a basketball player. He was also a son, a brother, somebody's teammate, somebody's friend. I didn't know Quentin fields. I guess now I never will." Skills knocks on the door from Lucas, this one opens to him and invites him to enter. Skills: Hey, did anybody call you? Lucas: Yeah. Skills (devastated): Is it true? Is Quentin really...is he dead? Lucas: Yeah. Come on in. Samantha's voiceover: "Did you ever wonder what it would be like if you weren't you anymore? If you were suddenly gone, how would your world react?" River court (day) Nathan is training in River court, he calls Q because this one is late. Nathan (phoning): Where the hell are you, man? Please tell me I didn't drag myself out of bed for nothing. Call me back. Samantha's voiceover: "Whatever you imagined is wrong." Haley arrives, she gets out of the car, Nathan is smiling, she seems destroyed and sad. Nathan: Hey, what are you doing here? (anxious) Haley, what happened? She approaches Nathan and we can see them being caught in their arms. Samantha's voiceover: "There's nothing romantic about death. Grief is like the ocean. It's deep and dark and bigger than all of us." Clothe's over bro (day) One sees Brooke behind the pane of Clothes' over bro, she turns over and takes clothing which are on bearing and she throws it in the street. Samantha's voiceover: "And pain is like in thief the night." Nathan and Haley's house (day) Haley and Nathan are sitting in the kitchen, Deb is with them. They seem devastated by the death of Q. Haley: What am I gonna tell my students? What am I gonna tell Jamie? He loves Quentin. He's... making him a cape. Nathan: I'll do it. Haley: No. We should do it together. Tree Hill gymnasium Lucas and Skills arrive in the gymnasium, the players stop playing. Ravens' player (happy): Hey, Coach Luke's back. What's happening, coach? Lucas: Hey, guys, uh...we have to tell you something. Nathan and Haley's house (day) Jamie sits on his bed, Haley and Nathan are held in the frame of the room's door. Jamie: What's wrong, mama? Nathan: It's about Quentin, son. They come to put themselves next to him on the bed. Nathan: Listen... Quentin had an accident, Jamie. Jamie: What kind of accident? Is he gonna be okay? Nathan: No, he's not okay. (Haley watches him with tears in her eyes) He, um...his...his body stopped working, and he's gone now. He's gone to heaven, okay? And we're not gonna be able to see him anymore. Jamie: What about the Ravens? Isn't he gonna play anymore? Haley (sobs in the voice): Jamie...he died, honey. He can't play anymore. And mommy and daddy are incredibly sad about it. So it's okay if you're sad, too. I know that he loved you very much, and I know that you're gonna miss him. And we're really gonna miss him, too. Jamie rises of his bed and starts starting from his room. Jamie: But what about his cape? Haley: Jamie, he's... Jamie, honey, listen to me. Jamie: He's gonna like it. You'll see. He sets out, close-up on Haley in tears. Clothes' over bro (day) Peyton goes in the street when she sees women taking clothing on the pavement. She tears away to them the clothes of hands and shouts to make them leave. Peyton: No,no,no,no,no,no,no. Hey, guys, I'm sorry. There's been a misunderstanding, okay? These... these clothes are not free! Just taking inventory. Peyton enters the store. Peyton: Brooke Davis, have you lost your mind?! Brooke continues launching clothes in the street. Brooke: It's my store. They're my clothes. I can do what I want with them. Peyton: But what are you doing? Brooke: We're having a sale. For one day, and one day only, everything in the store is freakin' free! Peyton (Making a sign to the women in front of the store): No! Do you want to talk about it? Haley told me about your mom. Brooke: No, as a matter of fact, I don't want to talk about it. There's nothing left to say, Peyton. My mom's a bitch! She's a horrible, selfish bitch! Happy now? Was that a good talk? Peyton: Why are you yelling at me? Brooke: I'm gonna need my key back, too. Peyton (surprised): What? Brooke: My house key? You moved out, right? I can't have people coming and going like it's some kind of Rachel Gatina crack den. Peyton: Okay, Brooke, I understand that you're upset, but is there something else that's going on? Brooke: just need to feel safe in my house, that's all. So I need your key. Peyton: Fine. Brooke: What do you want, Peyton? What is it that you are doing here? Peyton: I came here to tell you that one of Lucas' basketball players was killed last night. Quentin fields. And Luke's a mess. I just thought you'd want to know. Peyton puts her key on the counter in front of Brooke and leaves. Haley's classroom (day) Haley arrives in her classroom, she closes the door and discovers her students annihilated by the sad news. She sits down to her desk. Haley: I don't know what to say to any of you. I didn't know what to say to my 5-year-old son who loved Quentin just as much as many of you do. So, um, if you want to talk about how you're feeling Student: What's the point? I mean, he's gone, right? Some idiot just shot him, and now he's gone forever. So what's the point? Haley: There is no point. Shot on Quentin's desk where the place is empty. Carrie's house (day) Carrie opens a curtain and she is irritated after Dan who is always attached to his bed. Carrie: You think you can fool me, uh? You think you can spoil my plan to get Jamie back with your stupid defective heart? Well, you can't. I have a new plan. I'm not gonna have to take Jamie after all he's gonna come right to me. Dan: And why would he do that? She gets close to the bed. Carrie: Oh, because poor grandpa Dan is dying, and his last dying wish is to say goodbye to his sweet little grandson. Dan: And then what? Carrie: In a few months, I'll be dead, and when they can't find Jamie, they'll start looking for you. And then you'll be the fugitive that you don't want to be. I've decided I can live with that. By then, I'll have a six-month head start with my son. When life gives you lemons, you can't be a sourpuss. Dan: It won't work. They won't bring Jamie to see me. In case you've forgotten, I'm a murderer, remember? Besides, my grandson's afraid of me. Carrie takes a paper in her pocket, it is Jamie's card of thanks, that where he was outlined with Dan. Carrie: Oh... not according to this. Found this in your jacket. Looks like Jamie loved you almost as much as he loves me. She puts the card in her pocket and answers him with a smile of victory. Dan: What's he gonna do? Drive himself out here? What are you gonna do about the person who brings him? Carrie: Well, I sincerely hope it's Haley, but I'm not gonna do anything. Dan Scott, however, is going to kill that person. At least that's what it'll look like. I mean, in case you've forgotten, you're a murderer, remember? Tree Hill gymnasium Skills and Lucas are sitting on the stands of the gymnasium. Skills: I was gonna tell him I was proud of him. You know, last night when you came by the office... I said, "I'll just talk to Q tomorrow. I was gonna tell him how far he's come and how proud I was of him for that." You're supposed to get tomorrow, you know? That kid was just 17 years old. His life hadn't even started yet. And the phone rings in the middle of the night, and he's just...gone. It's just wrong, Luke. It's impossible and just wrong. Lucas: I feel like I let him down. I asked him to be a good example and a good teammate. And then I go and get suspended? Skills: Yeah, but you was defending him, though. Lucas: I was failing him. He's got a little brother. He's got parents. Skills: How does a mother ever breathe again? High school cloakroom Close-up on the whiteboard, Jamie looks at it attentively while Nathan empties Quentin's drawer. Nathan finds the book of Q, he turns pages and sighs, Jamie shows Quentin's jersey. Jamie: Can I have this? Nathan: I think he'd like that. Nathan puts the book in his bag and Jamie threads the jersey. Nathan kneels down and embraces Jamie. Carrie's house (day) Close-up on the pistol which Carrie holds in her hands, she puts a ball inside. Carrie: I like your beach house, by the way. Amazing view. Yes, I've been there. Where do you think I got your gun from? Bedside table, under the suburban-filth catalog. Their bras are sexy, huh? She opens her blouse and shows her bras. Dan: Why don't you have kids? You're young, attractive, crazy as a craphouse rat, but still, you could have a little boy of your own. She pretends of playing the Russian roulette and aims at him. Carrie: Hell, I might even be able to help you out. I am really going to enjoy killing you. She removes the safety of the gun. Noise of shooting, change of shot, we see Brooke to the club of shooting. Quentin's house Lucas, Peyton, Nathan, Skills, Haley and Jamie arrive to the Quentin's mother house. Haley: Go ahead and play. Stay in the yard, okay? Everyone enters the house. Jamie is going to sit down on the swing beside a little boy. Jamie: Hi. Dre: They gave me a present. Jamie: What are you playing? Dre: Basketball. What's your name? Jamie: James Lucas Scott. What's yours? Dre: Well, everyone calls me Dre, but my real name is Brandon Andre Fields. Quentin was my brother. Jamie: Quentin was my friend. I'm making him a cape. Shot on the inside of the house: Lucas looks at a photo of Q which is on the fireplace; Quentin's mother arrives in the room. Quentin's mother: Coach Scott... I'm Quentin's mother... Denice. She shakes hands with him. Lucas: Ma'am. Quentin's mother: I wanted to thank you for standing up for my boy the way you did in that last game. It's a shame that we have to meet like this. Lucas: Yes, ma'am, it is. Quentin's mother: Coach Taylor... Quentin always had so many nice thing to say about you, and you, too, Nathan. I really appreciate you boys coming here, but I mostly wanted to say thank you to this one. My son has always loved basketball. But I got to tell you... when I came home and found him reading a book; it just about gave me a heart attack. He said, "Mama, Mrs. James Scott, she don't play." He said, "She almost as bad as you are." I realize that you were all trying to help my boy live up to the greatness that god gave him, and you should be proud of that. Haley: Your strength is inspiring. Quentin's mother: My strength is from Jesus Christ. I am gonna miss my baby boy for the rest of this life. She is moved, she takes a photo of her son and greenhouse against her breast. Quentin's mother: But I know we are gonna see him again, and our faith will see us through. Outside of the house. Dre: I'm gonna be a musician when I grow up. Jamie: I'm gonna play basketball. Dre: Yeah, I might do that, too. My mom makes the best spaghetti in the world. Jamie: My mom makes good macaroni and cheese. Dre: My grandpa can whistle really loud. Jamie: My grandma Deb wears really tight pants. Dre: My favourite animal is a cheetah. Jamie: Mine's a rabbit... or a tiger... or a raven. Dre: Yeah, a Raven. I'm not going in there. It's too sad. What colour is the cape? Jamie: Red. Dre: Cool. Haley arrives in the garden, they make a sign of the hand for Dre and leave towards the car. Haley: Jamie, come on, buddy, time to go. Jamie: Bye. Dre: Bye. Jamie: I'll be right back. We see alone Dre on its swing, Jamie takes Q's jersey in the car and return to give it to Dre. Haley: You're a good boy, you know that? Everybody rise in the car. Nathan and Haley's house (day) Haley is sitting on their bed, holding the cape for Q in her hands, when Nathan arrives and is held in the embrasure of the door. Nathan: Everyone's just kind of hanging out downstairs. Haley: Yeah. I just thought maybe Jamie wanted to finish this. I was also thinking that maybe he shouldn't go to the funeral. It's just gonna be so sad and final. Nathan: Well, that's what death is, Hales. Haley: I know, but he's 5 years old, and he still sees a better world than we do. Nathan: Well, not to mention wakes and funerals really creep me out. Yeah, for you, it's clowns. For me, it's old dead guys. (He comes to sit down on the bed next to Haley) You know, my, uh... my mom's grandfather died when I was around Jamie's age. And so my whole family's at the wake, and we're kneeling in front of the casket. And I'm really scared because there's this old dead guy just a few feet away from me. Anyway, my mom's crying, and, uh, my dad...he says a couple of words, and then he leans forward, and he kisses the corpse. And now I'm totally freaked out. And then, he turns to me, and he says. Image in back flash of Dan. "Kiss your great grandfather, son." Haley: He didn't make you? Haley puts the hand in front of her mouth. Nathan: Yeah. It's my dad. Kiss the 100-year-old dead guy in makeup. Nathan grimaces of disgust. Haley: Dan sucks. Nathan: Yeah. Maybe you're right. Maybe Jamie should sit this one out. Deb takes Skills in her room to speak to him. Deb: I'm so sorry. I wanted to see you as soon as I found out. Skills: It's okay. Thank you, though. Deb: You must be devastated. Skills: I just feel numb, like I'm in a bad dream, and I just want to wake up. I just want Q to wake up. Deb: Did they...have they found the person responsible? Skills: I don't think so. Look, I probably should be getting back downstairs. I don't want to make the day worse for you, Nate, or somebody else. Deb: Okay... She embraces him. He opens the door. Deb: Antown, I here for you. Skills: Yeah, you here. Q gone. And... I'm someplace else. He leaves the room. Brooke is in front of her mirror where are written in lipstick words as: payback, avenge, justice... The entire band is gathered in the lounge of the Scott. Peyton: It's just so hard to accept that things like this happen, and not just to Quentin, but at all...ever. Brooke: One out of every 500 people gets assaulted or raped. There were 30,000 aggravated assaults in our state alone last year, 7,000 robberies, 3,000 murders, 600 rapes. It's official. Life sucks, and then you die. Jamie arrives and looks at Brooke who seems sorry of her words. Brooke: I'm sorry. It's a tragedy. I know it is. I'm sorry. Excuse me. She leaves the room and goes outside. Haley joins Brooke who stands in front of the swimming pool. Haley: Hey. Brooke: I'm so sorry about that. Do I need to go talk to Jamie? Haley: No, he'll be fine. You can talk to me, though. Brooke: I'm just going through a lot. Saying goodbye to Angie, and Victoria trying to take the company. And then I... fall down the stairs. And now this. It's just a lot. Haley: There was a therapist that Nathan and I went to when we were having some problems. She really helped. I can give you her number if you want. Brooke: Okay. Haley: Okay. Good. I'm really sorry about everything. Must have been some fall down the stairs. Does it hurt? Brooke: It all hurts. She takes her by the size and takes her inside. Carrie's house (day) Dan manages to release itself from its concentrations, he goes out of the house and tries to escape but its leg hurts him. He falls on the lawn, he raises the head and sees a tomb. Carrie: Get your filthy, murdering hands away from my son! Carrie strikes him with a shovel. Tree Hill high school (day) Nathan and Haley is in front of the secondary school, they look at the memorial for Q. Haley: I don't know what to say to them. I'm 22 years old, and I'm supposed to make sense out of all this for my students? I... I can't. Nathan takes out the book of the Miserable of his bag and gives it to Haley. Nathan: You reached Quentin. You'll reach them, too. She takes the book and caresses the cover. Haley's classroom (day) Haley puts the book of Q on her desk, she sees that a girl is sitting on Quentin's place. Haley: What's your name? Samantha: Sam... Samantha Walker. I'm new. Haley: Can you just take that desk in the back, please? Samantha: Why? What's wrong with this one? Haley: That desk is taken. The girl goes to an over place in the back of the room. Tree Hill gymnasium Lucas, Skills and Nathan are held in front of the team of basketball in the gymnasium. Lucas: Quentin, uh... was a great kid. He was the leader of this team, and I know that he was your friend. I wish... I could take this pain away, but I can't and I'm sorry. Skills: It's okay to feel angry. It's okay to feel pain. It's even okay to hate the person that did this, but when that anger and... and that pain and that hate becomes too much for you, you come see me, Nate, or Luke. Understand? We are your family, and we gonna get through this together. Nathan: You guys know that Q was working out with me, helping me with my game. And that's how I'm gonna remember him...strong, happy, playing the game he loved. I want you all to find your own best memories of Q and hold on to them 'cause that's where he still lives, and he always will. Lucas' house (day) Brooke opens the door and enters, Peyton arrives a box in her hands. Brooke: Peyton? Peyton: Hey. Brooke: Still moving in? Peyton: Yeah. I'm... I'm just trying to keep busy and stay preoccupied. Brooke: I brought you something. She tightens her the key of her house, Peyton takes the key. Peyton: Brooke, it's fine. Brooke: No, I'm really sorry. It was a total "of-you" transfer from Victoria to you, and you didn't deserve it. Peyton: It's fine. Is that why you threw all your pretty clothes out in the street? Brooke: Kind of. Victoria wants the line that bad, she can have it, you know? Life's too short. Peyton: Hey, I got something for you, too. She takes her by the hand and takes her in the room. The clothes that Brooke had thrown in the street are on the bed. Peyton: So, I had to wrestle two really strong women and a kid in a wheelchair for the couture stuff, but most of it's there. Brooke: You can keep them. Peyton: Life's too short, Brooke, to fight, to be miserable...to let the bitter ones change how awesome you are. Haley's classroom (day) Haley plays with its pen to take charge the spirit. Haley: You know what? Um... you guys asked me what the point was to all of this school and literature...life. And, uh, I said there was no a point. And that's not true. What I should have said was, "I don't know," because the truth is, not long ago, I sat right where you are and wondered exactly the same things. When something that's tragic and evil and unexplainable happens like losing someone forever... I still wonder...just like you do. Okay just put your books away. All right, everybody, get out a piece of paper and a pen. She gets up from her chair and sits down on her desk. Samantha: Why? Haley: Because this is a literature class. When archaeologists uncover lost civilizations and they unearth these worlds that have long since been destroyed, you know what they find most often? They find stories...ancient languages, words, inscriptions from people who've been gone for thousands of years because chances are, they, like you, they wanted to know, "what's the point?" And they wanted us to know that they were here, you know? She gets up and crosses the room by speaking. Haley: Like... they told their stories, and they tried to make sense out of their lives and their worlds and their tragedies. So that's what we're gonna do. So I want you to write something, anything at all, about Quentin Fields. If you knew him, write a favourite memory. If you didn't know him, write what you think the point is of all this for yourself and your life and your time here. This is a literature class, and that's what writers do. We put pen to paper in times of devastating tragedy. And we just try and make sense of it. Maybe we'll find clarity in some of those words. Maybe we'll find peace. She sees a registration on Q's desk. Haley: Who wrote this? Student: I did. Haley: Give me your marker. She takes the marker and writes something in her turn. Student (reading what Haley wrote on the desk): "He who does not weep does not see." What's that from? Haley: "Les mis rables". The miserables. Who's next? She tightens the pen to a girl, and everybody goes to write something on Q's desk. Haley passes behind Sam. Haley: Nice shirt. Clothes Over Bros, right? Nathan and Haley's house (day) Haley makes up and Jamie looks at her sat on the bed. Jamie: How come you're getting dressed up again? Haley: Because, uh, mommy and daddy are gonna go to Quentin's funeral, and you're gonna go to the sitter's, remember? Jamie: And what happens there, exactly...at the funeral? Haley: We're gonna say goodbye to Quentin, honey. He leaves the room. Lucas' house (day) Lucas puts his jacket and turns around towards Peyton. Lucas: Jamie loved Q. It's got to be hard for Nathan and Haley to explain it all to him, you know? Peyton: Well, maybe after they explain it to him, they can explain it to me. How's the team doing? Lucas: Not so good. I mean, I wouldn't be surprised if they forfeit the rest of the season. It's really nice having you here, especially now. I know we haven't really talked much about the wedding. Peyton: Oh, god, Luke, the wedding can wait. I mean, this is what a marriage is, right...the good times and the bad? I just wish I could help you somehow. Lucas: Peyton, you help me so much without saying a word. And I love you. They embrace. Brooke's house (day) Brooke goes back up the zip of her dress when somebody rings. Brooke: Who is it? Voice: Nathan. She goes towards the door, hesitates and opens. Brooke: Hi, Nate. Come on in. Nathan comes in. Brooke: It's a tough day, huh? Nathan: Yeah. Brooke: I wish there was something I could do for you or Haley or Jamie. Nathan: Well, actuallye were wondering if there's anything we could do for you. Brooke: How do you mean, why me? Nathan: Well, I know that your mom has been pulling some stuff with the company, and... I don't know...and I guess having dealt with parent insanity, I just wanted to check your head and see how you're doing. Brooke: I'm fine. Really. Nathan: That sounds like something I would say. Look, this thing with losing Quentin is...it's hard. And I have a feeling it's gonna be a pretty prominent thing in our lives for a while. It doesn't mean that your problems are any less important, that all of us aren't here for you. Brooke: Look, like I said... Nathan: You're fine. Brooke: You can handle it. It's all good. Nathan: Look, I hope that's true, and maybe it is, but...the thing is, the two of us have been down very similar roads. I mean, we were in the same cliques first. We both felt the same pressures, same expectations. Our parents were like children, and we both grew into kind of bad versions of ourselves way too fast. So I think you know I get it. Brooke: They never really gave us a chance, did they...our parents? Nathan: They didn't know how. Look, the thing is, you made your dream happen, all right? And even though I didn't quite get there, when it was taken away from me, I dealt with it alone. That was stupid, selfish, and wrong. So if your mom tries to take your dream away from you and you feel that same pain I did, I've sort of been there, okay? I'm gonna be kind of kissed off if you don't come talk to me about it. Anyway, thank you for coming today. It means a lot, I know you didn't know Quentin, but...it doesn't surprise me that you're thinking about other people when all this stuff is going on with you. That's not bad for a girl who never had a chance. Nathan: Came here. They embrace. Tree Hill gymnasium Skills is alone in the middle of the ground, he cries. Nathan and Haley's house (day) Haley and Nathan find dressed and ready Jamie to come to the burial. Haley: Jamie, we're going... Jamie: I want to go. Nathan: Jamie... Jamie: Quentin was my friend, and I want to say goodbye, too. Haley: It's gonna be really sad, buddy. Jamie: I'm already sad. Haley squats in front of him and puts him his tie correctly. Haley: You're right. Quentin was your friend and a good one. You should say goodbye. She embraces him, Nathan caresses Jamie's head. Tree Hill's cemetery (day) Priest's voiceover: "The lord is my shepherd. I shall not want. He makes me to lie down in green pastures. He leads me beside still waters. He restores my soul. He leads me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake..." Everybody arrives at the burial of Quentin, the coffin is brought. The mother and the small brother of Q arrive in turn. Jamie makes sign for Dre, this one answers him. Priest: We're to celebrate the home going of young Quentin Fields. Carrie's house (day) Carrie attaches Dan to his bed. Dan: I'm sorry for your loss. Carrie (screaming): Shut up. Dan: You lost a son. What was his name? You know you can't replace him with my grandson. She starts crying. Dan: Somewhere deep down inside...you know he's not coming back. No matter what you do, your son is not coming back. Tree Hill's cemetery (day) Priest's voiceover: We celebrate the life of brother Quentin... Shot on Quentin's mother, Haley, Brooke, Lucas, Skills, Nathan, Deb. Deb looks at Skills, she is going to put herself beside him under the glance surprised of Nathan. The team of Ravens arrives towards the coffin; a player gives flowers to Denice Fields. Samantha's voiceover: "Quentin Fields was a basketball player. (shot on the Ravens) He was also a son... (shot on Denice Fields) a brother... (shot on Dre who is going to put himself in the middle of the team and threads his brother's jersey) somebody's teammate... and somebody's friend (shot on Jamie). I never knew Quentin fields. And I guess now I never will." Carrie brings flowers on her son's grave. Samantha's voiceover: "Grief is like the ocean. It's deep and dark and bigger than all of us. And pain is like a thief in the night...quiet, persistent, unfair...diminished by time and faith and love." Everybody begins to leave, Jamie stays with his box in hands near the coffin. Brooke makes sign for Nathan and Haley that she takes charge of it. Brooke and Jamie are standing in front of the coffin. Samantha's voiceover: I didn't know Quentin Fields (shot on Haley who's reading Sam's essay) but I'm jealous of him, because I see how his absence has affected the people who did know him, so I know that he mattered to them. And I know he was loved." Jamie takes out the cape of his box and spreads it on the coffin, Brooke fails and begins to cry. Jamie takes her hand. Samantha's voiceover: "People say Quentin Fields was a great basketball player...graceful, fluid, inspiring. They say, on a good night, it almost seemed as though he could fly, and now he can."

Everyone is shocked about Quentin's unexpected death. Haley and Nathan must find the words to help Jamie understand. Brooke continues to hide the truth of her attack which strains her friendship with Peyton and Lucas and Skills meet Quentin's grief-stricken family. Dan finds a mysterious grave while unsuccessfully trying to run away from Carrie's house. This episode is named after Sam Duckworth and his band, Get Cape. Wear Cape. Fly .

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111 - The Labyrinth of Gredef "In a land of myth and a time of magic, the destiny of a great kingdom rests on the shoulders of a young boy. His name: Merlin." Forest Arthur's hunting party in the woods, armed with crossbows. Arthur sends two of his knights around another way. ARTHUR (whisper): Merlin. MERLIN: What is it? ARTHUR: I don't know. We'll surround it. I want you to go in there and flush it out. MERLIN: You want me to go in there? You just said you don't know what it is. It could be dangerous. ARTHUR: Let's hope so. Now go. Merlin sneaks through the woods and picks up a large stick. Merlin sees a unicorn and drops the stick. Merlin walks up to it and hears the hunters coming. MERLIN: Go. Go! Please, go. Shh. They're gonna kill you. Please, go! Arthur, no! Arthur shoots the unicorn. Merlin goes to it cries as he strokes its head while it dies. MERLIN: I'm sorry. Sorry. ARTHUR: Ha-ha! A unicorn! MERLIN: What have you done? ARTHUR: Don't be such a girl, Merlin. Merlin sees a white cloaked man, Anhora, behind Arthur in the woods. ARTHUR: What are you looking at? Arthur and the other two knights turn around, but the man is gone. Castle - Council Chamber Of Doom Arthur and his knights enter; Merlin carries the unicorn's horn on a pillow. ARTHUR: Father! A unicorn's horn to grace the walls of Camelot. UTHER: Magnificent. It's the first one I've seen. Uther takes the horn. UTHER: Gaius, look at this. GAIUS: It is very impressive, My Lord. UTHER: What is it, Gaius? Speak your mind. GAIUS: Unicorns are rare and mystical creatures. There is a legend that says that bad fortune will come to anyone who slays one. UTHER: Nonsense. We will be the envy of every kingdom. ARTHUR: I'm pleased you like it. Camelot - Main Square Merlin and Gaius walk through the Square. MERLIN: I don't understand how Arthur can have taken any pleasure from killing the unicorn. GAIUS: Arthur is a hunter. It's in his blood. Whereas you are something entirely different. MERLIN: It was the most beautiful creature I have ever seen. I wish you'd been there. GAIUS: It's a rare privilege. Alas, there are few unicorns still alive. MERLIN: You try telling that to Arthur. GAIUS: I can imagine it would be difficult. Arthur's Chambers ARTHUR: My horse threw a shoe. Take it to the blacksmith. Make sure he does a good job. And when you've done that, you can polish my s... Arthur turns around and sees Merlin staring out the window. ARTHUR: ...saddle. Merlin? Have you listened to a word I've said? Merlin nods. ARTHUR: You've got a face like a wounded bear ever since we got back from that hunting trip. Don't tell me you're still upset about the unicorn. MERLIN: I don't think you should have killed it. ARTHUR: Oh, really? And why is that? MERLIN: It was... It was doing no harm. What purpose did you serve by killing it? ARTHUR: We were hunting. That's what you do. Would you have me bring it home as a pet? Look at this. MERLIN: What? ARTHUR: Do you know what that is? MERLIN: No. ARTHUR: Rat droppings. My chambers are infested. You need to spend less time worrying about unicorns and more time worrying about rats. Someone knocks. ARTHUR: Enter! A guard enters. GUARD: My Lord, the King requests your service as a matter of urgency. ARTHUR: Find that rat. Camelot - Field Uther picks a dead piece of wheat stalk from a field. UTHER: Every single ear has died. We've received reports that it's the same throughout the entire kingdom. ARTHUR: I rode through this valley only yesterday. The crop looked healthy enough then. UTHER: It happened overnight. Farmers are at a lost to explain it. ARTHUR: Is it a disease of some kind? UTHER: Perhaps. I've asked the court physician to conduct some tests. We must ration what little food we have left. Gaius's Chambers MERLIN: Any ideas what caused the crops to die? GAIUS: I'm here to complete all the tests. No disease I have heard of could spread through the entire kingdom in a single night. MERLIN: What could kill all the plants other than a disease? GAIUS: It is not killing all the plants. The trees and hedges around the crop fields are unharmed. Unfortunately, you can't eat trees and hedges. MERLIN: It's only killing plants we can eat? GAIUS: It appears so. MERLIN: If it's not a disease, it must be magic. GAIUS: We can't assume that, Merlin. Perhaps there is something in the soil and water that can explain it. I can't tell the King it's caused by sorcery until I'm completely certain. Camelot - Main Square Villagers stand in a long queue leading into the palace grounds. A guard rations out grain. GUARD: Next! ARTHUR: The livestock is either dying or has been eaten. Food and water's very scarce and we're distributing rations, but they're very meagre. Arthur opens a small shaft in the grain store, dumping out a small pile of grain. UTHER: This is all the grain we have? ARTHUR: The people are growing scared. There's been some looting. UTHER: We must maintain order at all costs. Panic will make the situation worse. I'll issue a decree that looters will be executed. From tonight, Camelot will be under curfew. ARTHUR: I'll see to it. Camelot - Lower Town Merlin passes Gwen as she heads to the well along the outer wall. VILLAGER 1: Give it back to me. It's mine. VILLAGER 2: It's not yours... GWEN: Merlin. Is it true what they're saying about the crops? They're all dead? MERLIN: Afraid so. We may have to start tightening our belts. GWEN: I'm sure Arthur will think of something. MERLIN: Well, and if he doesn't, I will. Gwen starts pumping for water, but only dry sand comes out. GWEN: Merlin! Camelot - Main Square Uther and Arthur stand at the well in the Square, Uther sifts sand through his fingers into the well bucket. UTHER :Sand. And you say the well is full of it? ARTHUR: I sent men down to the underground reservoir. There is no trace of water to be found. UTHER: First the crops, and now this. ARTHUR: It's the same throughout the kingdom. There's precious little water anywhere. UTHER: Gaius. Can you offer any explanation for this? GAIUS: I cannot think of a scientific explanation. I can only conclude it's the result of sorcery. UTHER: I believe you're right. It is the work of magic. The kingdom is under attack. Gaius's Chambers Merlin sits with a bucket of sand and his magic book open in front of him. MERLIN: Gr ot gecymen, lecan. Gecymen g dr e w ter. Gaius approaches. MERLIN: I was... I was just, er... GAIUS: I was hoping you might be trying to turn it back into water. I know I've cautioned against using magic, but if ever there was a time to use your talents, it's now. MERLIN: Well, I wish I knew how. I've tried everything. If it is magic, it's more powerful magic than I possess. Castle - Drawbridge Arthur addresses a group of guards. ARTHUR: Patrol the market and the lower town. No one is to leave their homes. Dismissed. Merlin enters the Square. ARTHUR: Merlin. You do realise there's a curfew? MERLIN: Yeah, I was in your chambers, hunting for the rat. ARTHUR: Did you find it? MERLIN: No. ARTHUR: So you have been outwitted by a rat? MERLIN: They do say rats are very intelligent. ARTHUR: More intelligent than you, it would seem. Go home. It'd be embarrassing to have to lock up my own servant for breaking the curfew. Arthur sees the white cloaked man, Anhora, walk through the Courtyard Corridor and into the palace. ARTHUR: What was that? MERLIN: What? Merlin and Arthur run after him, Arthur jumps over the Courtyard Corridor ledge. They chase Anhora down the Upper Corridor, down some stairs, and down the Wrought Iron Stairway to the Burial Vaults where they lose him. Arthur signs to Merlin. Merlin nods, then follows Arthur. ARTHUR: That means you go the other way and cut him off. MERLIN: Okay. Merlin and Arthur go in opposite directions and end up back at the Wrought Iron Stairway without seeing anyone. Then they see Anhora's silhouette as he briefly rounds the corner. Arthur has Merlin go the other way again. They end up back at the Wrought Iron Stairway again. ARTHUR: Where is he? MERLIN: I didn't seen anyone. ARTHUR: He was right here! Don't tell me you let him get past you. MERLIN: Arthur, no one passed me. ARTHUR: Are you blind?! ANHORA: Are you looking for me? I am Anhora, Keeper of the Unicorns. ARTHUR: Camelot is under curfew. What's your business here? ANHORA: I have come to deliver a message. ARTHUR: And who is this message for? ANHORA: It is for you, Arthur Pendragon. ARTHUR: Is it you who's responsible for killing our crops, turning our water into sand? ANHORA: You alone are responsible for the misfortune that has befallen Camelot. ARTHUR: Me?! You think I'd bring drought and famine upon my own people? ANHORA: When you killed the unicorn, you unleashed a curse. For this, Camelot will suffer greatly. ARTHUR: If you have put a curse on Camelot, you will lift it, or you will pay with your life. ANHORA: The curse was not my doing. ARTHUR: Undo the curse or face execution. ANHORA: Only you can do that. You will be tested. ARTHUR: You're under arrest. Arthur reaches for Anhora, but he disappears and Arthur stumbles. Anhora reappears on the Wrought Iron Stairway. ANHORA: Until you have proven yourself, and made amends for killing the unicorn, the curse will not be lifted. If you fail any of these tests, Camelot will be damned for all eternity. Gaius's Chambers GAIUS: And you believe what this Anhora said about the curse to be true? MERLIN: Well, you said there's a legend that misfortune comes to anyone who slays a unicorn. It makes sense. GAIUS: Not much for breakfast, I'm afraid. We're down to our last few scraps of food. MERLIN: Where did you get the water to make the tea? GAIUS: Fortunately, for both of us, you forgot to empty your bath yesterday. MERLIN: You're making tea from my bath water? GAIUS: It's not so bad. Perhaps a little... soapy. Merlin sighs. GAIUS: What does Arthur think about the curse? MERLIN (scoff): He doesn't believe it's his fault. He's convinced Anhora's responsible for it. GAIUS: If you do not wish to drink bath water, you better make sure Arthur sees sense. Arthur's Chambers Arthur pus on his boots in his chambers, he finds a hole in one of them. ARTHUR: That... rat! It's eaten through my boot, look at it! MERLIN: I guess the rat must be as hungry as the rest of us!. ARTHUR: You think this is funny? MERLIN: Moderately. ARTHUR: Get it mended. Find that rat. MERLIN: Have you given any more thought to what Anhora said last night? ARTHUR: Ah, well, he may have escaped last night, but at least we now know who we're looking for. I told my father I'll find this Anhora and put an end to it. MERLIN: What if he was telling the truth about the curse? ARTHUR: You think I'm responsible for bringing suffering upon my own people? MERLIN: No, not deliberately. When you killed the unicorn, I saw Anhora in the forest. ARTHUR: Why didn't you say anything? MERLIN: It was just for a second, and then he disappeared. I didn't even...well, I-I thought I was seeing things. But he was definitely there. ARTHUR: That doesn't actually prove anything. MERLIN: Doesn't it make you think he might be telling the truth? ARTHUR: Because he was skulking about in the forest? That makes me trust him even less. MERLIN: Why would Anhora appear in Camelot, and then lie to you? ARTHUR: We had him cornered. He was trying to talk his way out of it by blaming me. MERLIN: Arthur, he can disappear into thin air. He didn't have to talk his way out of anything. ARTHUR: My father has warned me about sorcerers like him. They will not rest until our kingdom is destroyed. MERLIN: Well, I believe he's telling the truth. ARTHUR: Then you're a fool. You cannot trust a single word a sorcerer says. You'd do well to remember that. Now, I think I've figured out what Anhora's next move is going to be, and when he makes it, we're going to be waiting. Castle - Grain Store Merlin leans against a pillar near the grain store with his eyes closed, smacking his lips. Arthur hits him with a broom. ARTHUR: Don't you worry about keeping watch, Merlin. You just make yourself comfortable. Merlin sighs and smacks his lips. ARTHUR: Stop smacking your lips. It's annoying. MERLIN: I'm thirsty. ARTHUR: We're all thirsty, Merlin. Merlin sighs. ARTHUR: Pst! Someone's coming. Arthur draws his sword and Merlin follows him into the grain store. They see the intruder's silhouette. Arthur motions to Merlin. ARTHUR (mouths): You go over there and come in. Merlin nods. ARTHUR: Show yourself, before I run you through. Merlin picks up a scythe hook, a man edges around the corner with a shovel in one hand and a sack of grain in the other. ARTHUR: Who are you? EVAN: My name is... My name is... ARTHUR: Speak up! EVAN: My name is Evan, My Lord. Merlin comes out of hiding. ARTHUR: I see you think you can help yourself to our grain reserves. My father has order that looters be executed. EVAN: Please, My Lord. I- I do not steal for myself. I have three children they have not eaten for two days. They are hungry. ARTHUR: It's the same for everyone. EVAN: I-- I know that it is wrong to steal. I couldn't bear to see them starve. ARTHUR: And could you bear for your children to see you be executed? Evan shakes his head, close to tears. ARTHUR: Then you should go home. If you're caught stealing again, I will not spare you. EVAN: Yes, My Lord. Thank you. Evan smiles, puts down the sack of grain and shovel, and starts to leave. ARTHUR: Wait. Arthur picks up the sack of grain and tosses it to Evan. ARTHUR: Use it sparingly. It might be the last food you and your family get for some time. EVAN: You have shown yourself to be merciful and kind, My Lord. This will bring its own reward. Camelot - Lower Town Gwen sees a man run past her in the Lower Town, the guards chasing him. GUARD 1: Stop him! GUARD 2: Come back here! GUARD 3: Stop that man! He's been looting! Gwen looks over by the well and sees a drop of water on the spout. She goes to it, puts a bucket under the spout, and pushes the pump. Water gushes out. Arthur's Chambers Arthur and Merlin gulp down large mugs of water. ARTHUR: Never knew water could taste so good. MERLIN: My throat was so dry, I thought I wouldn't be able to talk. ARTHUR: Well, at least some good would've come from the drought, then. MERLIN: More? Arthur motions towards his mug and Merlin fills it. ARTHUR: The sand's disappeared. The water returned to the well. It doesn't make any sense. MERLIN: *ahem* ARTHUR: I suppose you have some explanation for this, Merlin? Let's hear it. MERLIN: Anhora said you would be tested. And last night, in the grain store, you let that villager go. And he said it would bring its own reward. ARTHUR: He was merely grateful, and so he should have been. MERLIN: Maybe that was your first test. You passed it, so the curse has begun to lift. Perhaps this is your reward. I know you don't have to listen to me. ARTHUR: Glad we agree on something. MERLIN: If you're tested again, you have a chance to end your people's suffering. I know you want that more than anything. Perhaps we should seek Anhora out. ARTHUR: I cannot negotiate with sorcerers. My father wouldn't hear of it. MERLIN: Then it's probably best you don't tell him. ARTHUR: I must go check on the guard. See if you can find me some food. MERLIN (mutters): Find some food! Merlin sees the rat climb out of Arthur's boot. MERLIN: Swealt d or. Camelot - Main Square Even more people continue to queue outside the grain store. Morgana walks among them with Arthur. MORGANA: Who are they? ARTHUR: They've come from the outlying villages in search of food. There's not enough rations to feed the people who are already here. MORGANA: You shouldn't blame yourself. I'm sure you're doing everything you can. ARTHUR: It is not enough. Arthur leaves and Gwen approaches Morgana. MORGANA: Did you manage to find any food? Gwen pulls a cloth back from her basket revealing some bread. MORGANA: Where did you get that? GWEN: I was able to smuggle it out of the palace kitchens. MORGANA: Share it out amongst the children and old people. Make it go as far as you can. Arthur's Chambers Merlin pours some meat stew into a bowl. ARTHUR: Lost my appetite. MERLIN: You have to eat something. ARTHUR: I can't. Not while my people are starving. Do you really believe I'm responsible for the curse? MERLIN: I'm afraid so. ARTHUR: We're going to the forest, first thing in the morning. Maybe we can pick up Anhora's trail. Whatever it takes. MERLIN: Okay, but you have to eat. You won't be able to help anyone if you're too weak to pass the test. Arthur takes a bite. ARTHUR: What kind of meat is this? It has a very strange texture. MERLIN: It's pork. ARTHUR: This isn't pork. It's far too stringy. What is it? It's, erm... Arthur puts down his spoon. ARTHUR: It's rat, isn't it? MERLIN (nods): Try not to think about it. ARTHUR: Look at me. I'm being rude. Here I am, stuffing my face with this delicious stew when you're hungry, too. Come on. Take a seat. Arthur forces Merlin down into the chair. ARTHUR: Eat. Merlin takes a bite. ARTHUR: Mmm. MERLIN: It's actually pretty tasty. ARTHUR: Mm. Well, I'm glad you like it. Because... Arthur fetches the pot of stew. ARTHUR: ...there's plenty more. Someone knocks. ARTHUR: Enter. Morgana? MORGANA: I hate to ask, but I was wondering if you had anything to eat... Arthur pauses and Merlin smiles. Forest Merlin and Arthur search through the woods. MERLIN: I'm not entirely sure what I'm looking for. ARTHUR: You're looking for footprints or broken branches. Anything that would indicate someone passed that... Arthur catches sight of Anhora. ARTHUR: Merlin! Merlin! He's here! Arthur runs off. MERLIN: Arthur?! Merlin didn't see where he went. Arthur continues chasing Anhora and comes across Evan sitting next to a camp full of horded food. ARTHUR: You? You're a thief. EVAN: Wasn't that obvious when you caught me stealing your grain? ARTHUR: Fortunately I have more important things to deal with. EVAN: You didn't really believe that story about my children, did you? ARTHUR: What kind of man lies about starving children to save his own skin? EVAN: Your people starve because you let thieves steal their grain. That is why they doubt you. ARTHUR: You don't speak for my people. EVAN: Hey, your father would never have allowed himself to be fooled like that. ARTHUR: You hold your tongue, or I will make time to teach you some manners. EVAN: Your father would have had me executed, but you didn't have the stomach for it, did you, Arthur? And that's why he doubts you'll make a good king. ARTHUR: You know nothing of what my father thinks. EVAN: I think he wishes he had another son, one who was worthy of taking his place. You shame him. ARTHUR: Pick up your sword. EVAN: The King must fear the day when you will take the throne. Arthur attacks Evan. EVAN: He fears you do not have enough strength to defeat his enemies. The King must wonder if you are even his son. Arthur strikes a fatal blow, but Evan has disappeared. Anhora appears behind Arthur. ARTHUR: This is your doing? ANHORA: It was a test to see what is truly in your heart. ARTHUR: Your tricks prove nothing! ANHORA: Why did you kill this man? ARTHUR: He insulted my honour! ANHORA: You could have chosen to ignore his taunts. What harm would they do you? ARTHUR: You will lift the curse, Sorcerer. ANHORA: It is not in my power. ARTHUR: Then you will die. Arthur tries to strike him, but Anhora disapparates and Arthur falls to the ground. ANHORA: Killing me will not help you. ANHORA: You have shown that you would kill a man to defend your pride. You have failed the test. For this, Camelot will pay dearly. ARTHUR: My people have done nothing! ANHORA: Your people's suffering is not my doing. It is yours. Anhora disappears. MERLIN: Arthur?! Arthur?! Merlin finds Arthur. [SCENE_BREAK] Castle - Grain Store Uther sifts rotten grain through his fingers as Arthur enters. ARTHUR: What is it? What's happened? UTHER: All our remaining supplies have rotted. Every last grain. Gaius's Chambers MERLIN: I know Arthur's stubborn and pig-headed and annoying, but he cares about his people. More than he cares about himself. He will not forgive himself for making his people suffer. GAIUS: You must make sure he doesn't do anything rash. MERLIN: The mood he's in, I don't know what he's gonna to do. GAIUS: Ready? MERLIN: Sure they're not poisonous? GAIUS: Quite certain. Merlin and Gaius pick up giant insects. GAIUS: They say they taste like chicken. Unless we're to starve, we must hope they're right. They bite into the crunchy insects. MERLIN: This tastes nothing like chicken. Castle - Council Chamber Of Doom Arthur broods. Uther enters. ARTHUR: There are some supplies left in the palace stores. We are distributing them to the people, but there is not enough to live on. They will not survive for long. UTHER: Then you must stop distributing food to the people. ARTHUR: They will starve. UTHER: We must conserve the food we have for our army. ARTHUR: We cannot let our people go without food. UTHER: We must defend the kingdom at all cost. ARTHUR: What's the point of defending a kingdom when the people... UTHER: Well, what would you have me do?! ARTHUR: ... starve to death?! Ask the neighbouring kingdoms for help. UTHER: Ha. ARTHUR: They may be able to spare some food. UTHER: Out of the question. As soon as they realise how we weak we are, our enemies will strike against us. ARTHUR: You don't know that for certain! UTHER: Besides I would rather starve than beg my enemies for help! What of our kingdom's reputation? Have you no pride? ARTHUR: I cannot think of my pride when our people go hungry. They're all I can think of. UTHER: Give the order to stop distributing food to the people. Is that understood? ARTHUR: You'll have to give that order yourself. UTHER: Very well. But if you'd caught the sorcerer, I would not have to. That's your responsibility! One day you will understand what it takes to be King! Camelot - Main Square People continue queuing in the Square. Arthur and Merlin watch from the balcony. ARTHUR: They do not know yet know there is worse to come. MERLIN: What do you mean? ARTHUR: My father is going to stop distributing food to the people. They are to be left to starve. I had a chance to lift the curse. And I failed them. MERLIN: You weren't to know you were being tested. ARTHUR: My people are starving. Camelot is on the verge of collapse. And it is all my doing. Forest MERLIN: Anhora! Show yourself! Anhora! Anhora appears. ANHORA: You wanted to talk with me? MERLIN: I've come to seek your help. The people are starving. They will soon be dead. ANHORA: You must believe me when I say it gives me no pleasure to see your people suffering. MERLIN: If it pains you, put an end to it. ANHORA: It is not in my power to lift the curse. MERLIN: Then give Arthur another chance. He has accepted it is his responsibility, and he will prove himself worthy and lift the curse if you give him one more chance. ANHORA: You have faith in Arthur? MERLIN: I trust him with my life. ANHORA: Arthur must go to the Labyrinth of Gedref. There, he will face a final test. If he fails, there is no hope. The curse will destroy Camelot. Anhora disappears. MERLIN: Wait! What kind of test will he face? ANHORA (telepathy): That is for Arthur alone to discover. Arthur's Chambers Arthur prepares for travel in his chambers. MERLIN: Let me come with you. You don't know what form of test will take. I might be able to help. ARTHUR: You're not coming. I brought this curse upon Camelot. I'm gonna be the one to lift it, or die trying. MERLIN: Alright, how does you dying help anyone? ARTHUR: I'll die knowing I did everything I can. MERLIN: I'm coming with you. ARTHUR: Merlin, you are to stay here, and help the people as best you can. Is that understood? Arthur rides out of Camelot and across the countryside. Merlin follows. Labyrinth Of Gedref Arthur arrives at the labyrinth and enters, Merlin arrives shortly after and follows. Merlin meets Anhora in the labyrinth. MERLIN: You said Arthur would face a test. And here you are, preparing a trap for him. ANHORA: The trap isn't for Arthur. It is for you. Geh ftan. Merlin is wrapped in vines from the labyrinth hedges. Arthur runs through the labyrinth and finds the exit to the sea. Merlin is sitting at a table on the shore, Anhora standing nearby. ARTHUR: Merlin? MERLIN: I'm sorry. ARTHUR: Let him go. I'll take your test, but not till he's released. ANHORA: That is not possible. Merlin is part of the test. Please sit. If you refuse the test, you will have failed and Camelot will be destroyed. ARTHUR: I thought I told you to stay at home. Let's get on with it. ANHORA: There are two goblets before you. One of the goblets contains a deadly poison, the other goblet, a harmless liquid. All the liquid from both goblets must be drunk, but each of you may only drink from a single goblet. ARTHUR: What kind of ridiculous test is that? What does that prove? ANHORA: What it proves is for you to decide. If you pass the test, the curse will be lifted. MERLIN: Let's think about this. What if I drink from my goblet first? ARTHUR: If it's poisoned, you'll die. MERLIN: And if it's not, then you'll have to drink from yours, and you'll die. There must be a way around it. ARTHUR: It is perfectly simple. One of us has to die. We have to find a way to determine which goblet has the poison. And then I'll drink it. MERLIN: I will be the one to drink it. ARTHUR: This is my doing. I'm drinking it. MERLIN: It is more important that you live. You're the future king. I'm just a servant. ARTHUR: This is no time to be a hero, Merlin. It really doesn't suit you. MERLIN (sigh): What if I drink from mine first, and if that's not poisoned, I will then drink yours? ARTHUR: He said each of us is only allowed to drink from a single goblet. I had no idea you were so keen to die for me. MERLIN: Trust me, I can hardly believe it myself. ARTHUR (snort): I'm glad you are here, Merlin. (sigh) MERLIN: I've got it. Right, we pour all the liquid into one goblet and then we can be sure it is poisoned. Then all the liquid can be drunk, and it will be from a single goblet. ARTHUR: You never cease to surprise me. You're a lot smarter than you look. MERLIN: Is that actually a compliment? ARTHUR: Look out! Arthur points and Merlin looks. Arthur takes the two goblets and pour all of the liquid into one of them, holding it to drink. MERLIN: No! I will drink it! ARTHUR: As if I'd let you. MERLIN: You can't die. This isn't your destiny. ARTHUR: It seems you're wrong again. MERLIN: Listen to me! ARTHUR: You know me, Merlin. I never listen to you. Arthur toasts Merlin. MERLIN: Arthur! Arthur drinks it. MERLIN: No! What have you done? Arthur falls off the chair, unconscious. MERLIN: Arthur! No! Merlin tries to shake Arthur awake. MERLIN: Arthur. Arthur. Come on! Arthur, come on. Come on. Come on! No... Come on. Merlin turns to Anhora. MERLIN: Please. Please! Just... let me take his place! ANHORA: This was Arthur's test, not yours. MERLIN: You've killed him! I was meant to protect him! ANHORA: He is not dead. He's merely consumed a sleeping draught. He will come round shortly. MERLIN: What? ANHORA: A unicorn is pure of heart. If you kill one, you must make amends by proving that you also are pure of heart. Arthur was willing to sacrifice his life to save yours. He has proven what is truly in his heart. The curse will be lifted. Camelot Merlin and Arthur ride into Camelot and dismount. Townsfolk are carrying around platters joyously. GAIUS: Merlin, Arthur, there is good news! The crops are growing once again! They are bringing in the harvest! MERLIN: You did it. UTHER: Is this your doing? Is the sorcerer dead? ARTHUR: He won't be troubling us anymore. UTHER: Good. Make sure the grain reserves are re-stocked. ARTHUR: I'll see to it. There's something we must do first. Forest Arthur lays the unicorn's horn in a burial mound of stones. ARTHUR: I should never have ended your life. I'm sorry. Merlin and Arthur begin laying stones over the grave. Merlin looks up and sees a unicorn. MERLIN: Arthur... ANHORA (voiceover): When he who kills a unicorn proves himself to be pure of heart, the unicorn will live again.

Despite Merlin's protests, Arthur kills a unicorn while out hunting and presents Uther with its horn. Father and son ignore Gaius's warning that it is bad luck to kill a unicorn, and soon the crops wither and the well water turns to sand. The mystic Anhora, guardian of the unicorns, arrives in Camelot to tell Arthur that his stupidity has cursed the land and that he alone can lift that curse. He faces a number of tests, first in Camelot and then in the Labyrinth of Gedref. Merlin follows him despite being told to stay behind. In the end, Arthur saves the day with a demonstration of selflessness, ultimately restoring the welfare of Camelot and the unicorn itself.

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Scene opens to a nighttime shot of a car parked under a big tree in the middle of a Park. Two teens are making-out in the backseat. The boy wants to take it further than the girl is willing. GIRL: Jimmy. Jimmy, ugh. Stop! I said no! (pushes him away) JIMMY: God, hey! I sat my sorry ass on a [torment??] bus for three hours to hook-up with you. GIRL: If you only came to "hook-up", then you should have stayed in Charlottesville. JIMMY: Oh, come on. You know I love you. (tries to kiss her again) Come here, come on... GIRL: (holding him back) Jimmy. (he persists, she struggles to push him away) Stop it or I'll scream! While the girl keeps trying to make Jimmy stop, he isn't listening. Then, at the moment she threatens to scream, a pair of legs punch through the roof of the car and splatter the teens in blood. The girl makes good on her promise to scream - quite nicely, in fact. The camera then pans back from the car and we see that the body is a paratrooper, stuck halfway through the car's roof with his torso sticking out. The girl continues to scream. *INTRO CREDITS* Gibbs is in his basement working on his boat. The television plays a football game in the background. Tony appears at the top of the stairs. TONY: Don't you lock the door? GIBBS: Nope. TONY (walking down stairs): We got a call. Quantico. Marine got killed in an exercise. GIBBS: How? TONY: Night training jump. Guy's chute didn't open. (examines wooden frame which is obviously a boat) Is this a boat? Gibbs gives him a look, as if to say "what kind of stupid question is that?" then with a shake of the head, goes back to sanding his boat. GIBBS: His reserve chute failed to open? TONY: I don't know. (looks at jar of orange liquid on tabletop, inside is a cell phone) Huh. I tried your cell. I tried your hard line, too. (we see wall-mounted phone has been ripped down) GIBBS: Don't ask. TONY: You know, my dad gave me a power-sander for my birthday. I don't really power-sand much. You're welcome to it. GIBBS: Except for that bare bulb there and the cord going to that idiot box, you see a power cord around here anywhere? Tony takes a quick look around just to check, then shrugs. He stokes a hand slowly along the smoothed surface Gibbs was working on, admiring it. TONY: (appreciatively) You use hand tools, huh? GIBBS: I use my hands. You call Ducky? TONY: Not yet. GIBBS (walking up stairs): Give me your cell. (holds out a hand) Tony tosses Gibbs his cell phone, then turns around to look at the broken telephone Gibbs ripped down. Gibbs exits the basement. GIBBS (calling back from upstairs): Coming, DiNozzo? TONY: (quietly) He's a weirdo. (louder) Yeah. I got the li- (the lights shut off, plunging the basement into pitchblack.) Light. *cut to Park* Big klieg lights turn on, illuminating the area around the car with the paratrooper's body still in it. A military jeep and the NCIS mobile response unit are already on scene. A marine walks with Gibbs and Tony to the car. TONY: He impaled an SUV? MARINE: Like he was laser-guided, sir. GIBBS: Where are the other jumpers? MARINE (indicating a group of Marines off to the side): Over there, sir. They landed in the drop zone 400 meters north of the road. GIBBS: Just one stick? MARINE: Yes, sir. I guess the Jump Master held the others back when the victim's chute didn't open. GIBBS: Did you secure the paraloft and the aircraft? MARINE: Yes, sir. I also have the Marines who didn't make the jump under guard at the hanger. GIBBS: Yeah, put them with the others. Just keep 'em all separated. MARINE: Yes, sir. GIRL (overheard from offscreen): Oh my god. GIBBS: These the witnesses? (walks over) MARINE: Yes, sir. GIRL (talking to medic, distraught): My dad's gonna kill me. He's on duty, and he doesn't know that I took his SUV. GIBBS (to girl): Your dad's a Marine? GIRL: Yes, sir. MARINE: Master Sergeant Tom Schaefer, sir. He's a TI at Quantico. TONY (at boy, lurking behind them): Your dad a Marine, too? JIMMY: No way. (smokes a cigarette) GIBBS: (solicitously) You cold, Sarah? SARAH: A little. Gibbs goes over to the obnoxious boy and rips his jacket right off him. The boy barely protests, just keeps smoking. GIBBS: Thanks. (gives jacket to girl) Here you go. SARAH: (smiles gratefully) Thank you. GIBBS: Special Agent Gibbs, Special Agent DiNozzo. NCIS. Want to tell us what happened? SARAH (looking at boy): We were... parked, and... JIMMY (interrupting): We were hanging-out. Listening to Dashboard Confessional. GIBBS: What? TONY: Emo. GIBBS: (baffled) Emo? TONY: Emotional music. (whispering) Radio, Gibbs. GIBBS: Okay, so you were listening to music and...? SARAH: He smashed through the roof. JIMMY: Wham, pow, blood everywhere. SARAH: And I screamed, and we ran out for help. MARINE: I met them about a klick down the road on our way to the scene. SARAH: I felt bad for leaving him there. GIBBS: He was alive? SARAH: (nods) I heard him groan. JIMMY: (defensively) It was a death rattle. TONY (to boy): You ever hear a death rattle? JIMMY: I was using it as a trope. GIBBS: A what? JIMMY: A trope. A figurative use of (waves hands) expression. GIBBS: Yeah. (to Marine) Call her dad, have him pick her up. JIMMY: (eagerly) Does that mean I get to go? GIBBS: Not until after Master Sergeant Schaefer gets here. I'm sure he's gonna have a "trope" or two for ya. Gibbs walks away. The boy looks worried, cigarette forgotten in his hand. Gibbs, Tony, and the Marine walk to the SUV with the paratrooper stuck in it. Ducky has set up a ladder beside the vehicle so he could climb to the roof to examine the body. GIBBS: Ducky's here. TONY: Yeah, and on a ladder. I'll get the monopod. DUCKY: Last time I was up this high I was hanging a pinata at my nephew's birthday party. GIBBS: What do we got, Duck? DUCKY (using a flashlight): Oh, abrasions. (looks up) The tree must have slowed him a bit. Purple discolouration - neck's broken, I'd say. Hardly surprising given the rapid descent followed by the equally rapid deceleration. GIBBS: Witnesses over there said he groaned after he decelerated? DUCKY: It's possible. I won't know until I do the autopsy. Gibbs, having put on gloves, pulls out his own flashlight and starts examining the parachute draped over the back of the SUV. GIBBS: Looks like a number of his shroud lines failed. Enough of those go, chute doesn't catch air. It tootsie-rolls; puts you down like a roman candle. DUCKY: They cut? GIBBS: Nah, they look worn. (aims flashlight up) Still got his reserve chute on. Why didn't he pull it? TONY (interrupting): Hey! Look who I found. Tony is escorting Agent Kate Todd onto the scene. Kate is dressed in a business suit with a skirt and high heels. TONY: MPs weren't gonna let her passed. KATE: I got my Sig and badge, but HQ didn't issue my photo ID. (sees body) God, is this for real? DUCKY: Unfortunately, my dear, it is. GIBBS: Put 'em on. (hands her a pair of gloves) DUCKY: Ah, your first crime scene with us, Caitlin. KATE: What about Air Force One? DUCKY: Doesn't count, you were in the Secret Service. Hey, Tony, take a team photo for posterity. GIBBS: Forget posterity. Sun's gonna be up soon. (hands Kate a box) Welcome to NCIS. KATE (pulling a boot out of the box): How'd you know my size? GIBBS: (smirks and puts an NCIS cap on her head) Put 'em on. Can't work a field in high heels. TONY: (cheekily) Depends on the kind of work you're doing. KATE: Your mind, DiNozzo, runs the gamut from X to XXX. TONY: Yeah. GIBBS: Photos, Tony! TONY: (sighing) Yeah. (lifts camera mounted on monopod up to roof to take pictures of body) Ducky? Why would Gibbs rip his hard line out and dunk his cell phone into a jar of paint thinner? DUCKY: Oh, dear. TONY: What? DUCKY: I should have realised the time of year. (climbs down and into car) It's his anniversary. TONY: Which marriage? DUCKY: Why, the last one of course. Isn't it always? Tony takes some pictures around the outside of the SUV while Ducky examines the body's legs. TONY (popping into the car beside Ducky): Ducky, I'm not following. DUCKY: Every year, ex-wife number three gets drunk on their anniversary and calls him. Repeatedly. TONY: Why doesn't he, uh, change his number? DUCKY: I have no idea. In case you haven't noticed, Gibbs is a man of more questions than answers. They both chuckle. Gibbs and Kate return, Kate wearing the boots and her hair tucked under the cap. Tony snaps a picture of her. KATE: (sarcastically) Thanks, DiNozzo. TONY (grinning): Hey, you could be the NCIS poster-girl in that outfit. *cut to Quantico airplane hanger* The tail end of the aircraft is sticking out of the open hanger doors. Lined up under it are each of the Marines involved in the jump. Each one has their parachute sitting beside them. Gibbs, Tony, and Kate approach. A disgruntled Marine meets them. MARINE: You JAG or NCIS? GIBBS: Do I look like a lawyer? MARINE: Word's all over the base by now. My men can't even call their families and let them know they're not the one who died. GIBBS: Was Sergeant Fuentes married? MARINE: He has a wife and son. GIBBS: Notification detail should be there to talk to her by now. Word will get out he was killed. MARINE: Sergeant Fuentes was under my command. I'd like to see her. GIBBS: After we finish questioning you and your men. MARINE: How long is that gonna take? GIBBS: I don't know. MARINE: These men have another jump at 21: 00. KATE: They're jumping again tonight? MARINE: We don't stop for casualties in war, miss. Neither do we in training. GIBBS: Not true, Captain. They don't jump off a lower bunk until we find out what happened. CAPTAIN: (insultingly) I don't take orders from NCIS cops. GIBBS: Special Agents. And you'll follow this order. CAPTAIN: (belligerently) Or what, Special Agent? Gibbs pulls out his cell phone and hits speed dial. CAPTAIN: I don't take orders from your boss either. GIBBS: I'm not calling my boss; I'm calling yours. Commandant Mae? Special Agent Gibbs, NCIS. The Captain walks away. Gibbs waits until he's gone, then closes the phone. TONY: (knowingly) I don't have a Commandant of the Marine Corps on my speed dial. GIBBS: Captain didn't know that. (they walk over to the plane) Alright DiNozzo, shoot and sketch. Focus on the static lines, Kate and I'll start the interrogation. TONY (gets into plane): Jumping's gotta be so cool. GIBBS: Hey! You wanna play paratrooper, pay a $180. Take a class, like all those other weekend warriors. TONY (leaning round the side of the plane to call after Gibbs): (sarcastically) Yeah, I have so many weekends free! Gibbs and Kate walk back into the hanger. Tony stands on the rear hatch of the plane, hands in his pockets, smirking. Inside the hanger, Gibbs and Kate are interrogating the other Marine jumpers. GIBBS: Did Fuentes lead your stick? MARINE: Yes, sir. I was number two, Ramsey was three, Brinkman four. *cut to flashback* The paratroopers are on board the plane, preparing to jump. The Captain is issuing orders, the men are lined up in formation. CAPTAIN: First stick, you're up! Fuentes, look sharp! Dafelmair, Ramsey, Brinkman. Keep it tight! MARINES (all together): Aye, sir! CAPTAIN: Stand by. (pauses in front of open hatch) Go! (Fuentes jumps) Go! (Dafelmair jumps) Go! (Ramsey jumps) RAMSEY (in voice over): After my shoot deployed, I looked around. I saw Brinkman's chute open above me, but when I looked down I only saw one canopy below. *end flashback* RAMSEY: I didn't know whether it was Paul or Thumper. KATE: Thumper? RAMSEY: That's what we called Fuentes, ma'am. BRINKMAN: Sounds crazy now, but he was the squad's good-luck guy, ma'am. RAMSEY: He was a walking rabbit's foot. KATE: (nods) Oh. RAMSEY: Yes, ma'am. He always seemed to dodge the bullets. We could tell you a million stories. GIBBS: Why don't you tell us just one. RAMSEY: Well, sir, Larry bought a new bike last week. Car ran a red light, he went over it and into a plate glass window. DAFELMAIR: Dinged his collarbone a little. Other than that, not a scratch. GIBBS: Dinged it a little? DAFELMAIR: Day or two, he was fine, sir. GIBBS: Hmm... who reached him first? DAFELMAIR: I did, sir. I saw him roman candle short of the field. Soon as I got out of my harness, I took off to find him. GIBBS (to Ramsey and Brinkman): You two? BRINKMAN: I hung up in a tree. Dave gave me a hand. Saw Paul yelling, we joined him. RAMSEY: Can't believe we let Thumper die. It's like a bad movie. GIBBS: Was he dead when you reached him, Corporal Dafelmair? DAFELMAIR: Yes, sir. Died on impact, sir. I'm sure... well, at least I hope he did. KATE: Why didn't he pull his reserve? BRINKMAN: Jumping from 1300ft, your main fails? You have three, maybe four seconds to react, ma'am. GIBBS: Okay. Each of you need to prepare a statement detailing what you saw. MARINES (together): Yes, sir! The Marines go to pick up their parachutes, but Gibbs stops them. GIBBS: Whoa! Leave 'em. Your gear is ours now. The Marines share a look, then leave Gibbs and Kate alone. They watch them go. GIBBS: What'd you get out of that? KATE: He didn't have time to pop his reserve. GIBBS: Why not? KATE: (looks at Gibbs) Obviously his reaction time was too slow. GIBBS (turning to walk out of the hanger): That's... KATE: Dinged collarbone. GIBBS: Injured clavicle hurts like hell. Takes more than a couple of days to heal. KATE: You think Corporal Dafelmair was lying? GIBBS: He was if he knew that Thumper was taking painkillers so he could jump. KATE: That's stupid. GIBBS: No. That's a Marine. *cut to Autopsy* Dr. Mallard is outlining the victim's various injuries to Gibbs and Kate, using the x-rays as visuals as he goes. DUCKY: Our victim sustained a broken neck, crushed vertebrae, multiple leg fractures, shattered pelvis... GIBBS: What about his clavicle? DUCKY: With all the massive skeletal damage, you're curious about his clavicle? GIBBS: Humour me. DUCKY: (pulls down the specific x-ray for a closer look) Huh, how did you know? There's a fine hairline fracture on the left clavicle, which he- KATE: Incurred recently, but not last night. DUCKY: No, it's begun to mend. (turns to look at Gibbs and Kate) You two are beginning to scare me. GIBBS: Ducky, would that fracture pain him much? DUCKY: Oh, nothing too severe. But of course, the shock of a parachute opening would have hurt like blazes. (points at x-ray) How did you know? GIBBS: The girl in the SUV said she heard him moan. Was he alive after impact? DUCKY: (nods) Briefly. Ducky goes over to the body. Kate moves to follow, but Ducky stops her. DUCKY: Ah, not too close, Caitlin. I'll put it on the monitor. (to Gibbs) He most certainly would have died of massive trauma, but the technical cause of death was severing of the femoral artery. Ducky hauls down a camera probe and feeds the image of the wound unto the big screen monitor mounted on the wall while he explains. Kate looks queasy at the graphic image. DUCKY: Yes. Our young Marine... bled to death. *cut to Abby's lab* Abby is hanging a picture on her wall when Tony walks in. TONY: What happened to the sad end to a Drain-O drinker? ABBY: I did a new one. Art can't stand still, Tony. (admires her new wall art) TONY: (frowns) It was my favourite. So, what's the new one? ABBY: Self-inflicted gunshot wound to the abdomen. TONY: (hamishly) Of course! ABBY: I'm gonna call it "Blast from the Future". I figure with my shotgun shattered backbone (points at other picture on opposite wall) I've got like a Chagall feeling going on. TONY: Ah, in a Manson Family way. ABBY: Yeah! Gibbs and Kate enter. GIBBS: Abby, you have my tox screen results? ABBY: Yup, right over here. (goes to her computer) The victim tested positive for percocet and vicodin. Double your pleasure. TONY: Double your fun. GIBBS: What kind of levels? ABBY: 0.17. He was slow juiced, like a koala bear. My guess is that he popped right before he dropped. GIBBS: The Marines we questioned in his string probably knew. KATE: Why didn't they tell us? ABBY: Semper Fi. You rat, you fry. Gibbs gives Abby a look. She sobers. ABBY: Sorry. GIBBS: Was his reserve chute okay? ABBY: Yeah, it was perfect. All he had to do was pop it. KATE: Well he might have, if his reflexes weren't slowed by opioids. TONY: Opioids? KATE: General term for opiates and synthetic analgesics. ABBY: Go Kate! (they bump fists) GIBBS (to Tony): You sure you were a Baltimore cop? Tony makes a face. Abby smirks. KATE: Okay, he was too juiced to pop his reserve. GIBBS: Maybe. Maybe not. Pump adrenalin when you jump. Your main chute doesn't open, it would really kick in to high gear. KATE: Gibbs, if he had the reflexes to use it, why didn't he? GIBBS: I don't know. (to Abby) What you'd find from the shroud lines of his main chute? Abby walks into her other lab area. Everyone follows. ABBY: Fibre disintegration, but not from textile fatigue. It's fluorescing as some sort of cleaning agent. (runs a UV light over the broken lines) But that didn't cause this kind of damage. KATE (leaning down): Edges look melted. ABBY: I haven't tagged it yet, but it was definitely an acid that shredded the lines holding three hundred pounds of jumping Marine. GIBBS: How long to find the acid and check out the rest of those chutes? ABBY: Well I'm flying solo, so at least a day. GIBBS: Would it go faster if you had an assistant? ABBY: Oh, definitely. GIBBS: Okay (to Kate) You got the job. KATE: I get to do forensics? GIBBS (leaving with Tony): No, you get to schlepp for Abby. She gets to do forensics. Abby hands Kate a lab coat. They smile happily at each other. *cut to [empty elevator shaft??] next to paraloft* A parachute is hanging suspended down the shaft. Tony stands below it taking pictures. Gibbs is inside talking with Cpl. Dafelmair. The Corporal is preparing a table for of chutes. GIBBS: Why didn't you tell us you were a rigger, Corporal? DAFELMAIR: Thought you knew, sir. GIBBS: Did you? (grimaces) What's next? DAFELMAIR: Sign the log and stick it in the chute pocket. Dafelmair signs the log. Gibbs picks it up and compares it to the one from Sergeant Fuentes' chute. GIBBS: Same signature. DAFELMAIR: That was the log from Thumper's chute, wasn't it, sir? GIBBS: Yup, you packed it. Gibbs starts to walk away. Dafelmair anxiously races after him. Tony follows behind them. DAFELMAIR: Sir, I didn't know he'd get one that I packed. The chutes are handed out randomly, even when we jump. GIBBS: Riggers usually go on jumps? DAFELMAIR: On training runs, yes sir. TONY: How many riggers jumped last night? DAFELMAIR: Uh, Corporal Ramsey, Brinkman, and Thumper, of course. He was senior rigger. GIBBS: Figured we knew that too? DAFELMAIR: Sir, we weren't trying to hide anything. GIBBS: (exasperated) Oh, like hell you weren't, Corporal! TONY: You all knew Thumper was using painkillers for that dinged collarbone. (pulls the tag on a chute, popping it) He died because he was too juiced to pull his reserve. DAFELMAIR: Sir, there was not way for anyone to sabotage a chute and count on it getting to a specific jumper. GIBBS: Were all the chutes packed here? DAFELMAIR: Yes, we prepped them at 09: 00. Put them on the trucks for the jump at 18: 00. GIBBS: They were here for nine hours unattended? DAFELMAIR: Under lock and key, sir. GIBBS: Who's got the key? DAFELMAIR: Captain Faul and Thumper, as senior rigger, both have keys. Gibbs and Tony share a look. Gibbs open up a folder containing a police report. GIBBS: You had a criminal record before entering the Corps, Corporal. DAFELMAIR: Made a few mistakes, sir. GIBBS: Shoplifting. Drug possession. DAFELMAIR: It was a long time ago, sir. TONY: Three years. Not so long. DAFELMAIR: Look, sir, you have my file. You know the judge gave me a choice. Prison or the Service. The Corps gave me a second chance, sir. And I would never do anything to hurt it or one of my brother Marines. Never, sir. *cut to Abby's lab* Kate is helping Abby to prepare specimens of the shroud lines so she can analyze the acid. ABBY: (grinning) Carl Sagan time. (computer beeps) Sulfuric acid! That would chew the shine off a trailer hitch. Kate looks excited and impressed, grins at Abby. KATE: How'd you get into this? ABBY: Filled out an application. KATE: I mean, forensics. ABBY: Oh, uh, when I was a kid, we lived near this lot where they brought all the burned out hulks from the narliest car wrecks. I used to sneak in there at night and take pictures. (Kate nods) It wasn't about the gore. It was about figuring out how things happened. You know, like action and reaction and the science of the whole thing. I got hooked. How 'bout you? KATE: Actually, I wanted to be a lawyer. I did a year of law school - felt like ten years in prison. ABBY: With really boring inmates? KATE: (chuckles) Uh huh. ABBY: Admit it. You just like strapping on a gun. KATE: More than one. ABBY: Really? You packing more heat than meets the eye? KATE: (nods) Those your only tattoos? ABBY: You show me yours, I'll show you mine. Kate laughs. *cut to Quantico base jumping school* Gibbs and walk past a training area where an instructor is teaching new jumpers how to roll when they hit the ground. TONY: You ever jump? GIBBS: When I get an electric shock. TONY: Explains the lack of power tools. GIBBS: (indicating trainees) You gonna do it? TONY: What? GIBBS: Spend $180 to defy gravity. TONY: Yeah, I think I am. MARINE (calling from offscreen): Agent Gibbs! Gibbs and Tony turn around. A Marine jogs up to them carrying a mail package. He hands it to Gibbs. MARINE: This came for you, sir. I just missed you at the paraloft. GIBBS: Thank you, Lance Corporal. MARINE: Okay, sir. (leaves) TONY: Who's it from? GIBBS: (opening package) Ducky. The package is a new cell phone. When Gibbs pulls the phone out of the box, a note falls to the ground. Tony picks it up and reads it. TONY: Jethro, bean counters couldn't find you so they gave this to me. I suggest you read the instructions on call blocking. GIBBS: (sarcastically) That addressed to you? The new phone rings. TONY: (helpfully) It works. GIBBS (answering the new phone): Gibbs. Yeah, I'll be there in twenty. (hangs up, they go back to watching the trainees) You know, some of these guys freeze on their first jump. Have to be kicked in the ass to get 'em out. TONY: Not me. GIBBS: No. You fall into the category I want to kick in the ass on the ground. Gibbs forcefully shoves the empty box into Tony's gut, making him grunt. Gibbs leaves, Tony lingers to watch the trainees. *cut to Abby's lab* Abby has the parachute spread out all over the lab. The lines are stretched taught in every direction like a spider's web. Abby moves through them carefully scanning each with a UV light. Gibbs and Tony walk in. TONY: Very electric kool-aid, Abby. ABBY: I was thinking more Blue Man Group. KATE: Sergeant Fuentes's chute wasn't the only one tampered with. GIBBS: How many? KATE: Nine, out of sixteen. Log book signatures show different riggers packed the lot. GIBBS: How many did Corporal Dafelmair pack? KATE: Four. The rest were packed by Corporal Brinkman and Sergeant Fuentes. TONY: Corporal Ramsey didn't pack any? KATE: Nope. When his signature didn't show up on a single chute, I called Captain Faul. He put Corporal Ramsey on a two-week rigging suspension for sloppy work. And guess who wrote him up for that sloppy work. GIBBS: Senior rigger. Sergeant Fuentes. (Kate nods) TONY: We got motive. ABBY: We got more than that. Kate and I have a theory. TONY: Why didn't you take to me this fast? ABBY: You're like a piercing, Tony. Takes a while for the throbbing to stop and the skin to grow back. TONY: (smiles ruefully) That's more than I wanted to know. GIBBS: What's the theory? ABBY: Okay. Every time you lace up your Docs or cinch your laundry bag, you leave some skin cells behind. It's the same with the parachute rigging. (types at computer) I pulled skin samples from the deployment bags of the chutes that were futzed with. GIBBS: Did you get a DNA signature? ABBY: All nine knots had a number of different sets of skin samples, but there's only set that's common to all nine. GIBBS: The saboteur. KATE: Our riggers of record packed the chutes, then someone came in and repacked them, leaving some skin behind. TONY: Corporal Ramsey. ABBY: Well, depending on how much he knows about forensics, he's either very smart or very dumb. GIBBS: There's gotta be other chutes that Corporal Ramsey packed in the paraloft inventory for comparison. ABBY: Hnn, negatory. I checked. They were all packed since he's been suspended. KATE: Well there's an Armed Forces DNA registry. All military personnel are on record, right? GIBBS: Yeah. KATE: (satisfied) Then we got our guy. GIBBS: No. (sigh) All we got is a pile of dead scene. The only thing you can use the DNA registry for is to identify a body. KATE: Well there has to be a way around that. GIBBS: (proud) See, now you're thinking like an NCIS agent. Kate grins, pleased. *cut to NCIS Headquarters, outdoors* Gibbs (in voice over): We know that nine parachutes were rigged to fail. *cut to Interrogation Room* GIBBS: Killer doctored them and repacked them. Sergeant Fuentes died as a result of that. It's premeditated murder. The camera pulls back to reveal who Gibbs was speaking with, and we see it is Lt. Bud Roberts crossing-over from JAG. BUD: I'm sold. Hey, if I'm on the jury, you've got my vote. KATE: We found DNA evidence on the chute deployment bag knots. BUD: Belonging to your suspect? KATE: We believe so. To be certain, we have to access the Armed Forces registry. BUD: (scoffs) That's impossible! Registry was set up to identify remains only. He knows that. GIBBS: I do? BUD: You tried to use it when you after Commander Rabb, for murder. KATE: He get him? BUD: No, because he wasn't guilty. You couldn't use the DNA registry then, what makes you think you can use it now? GIBBS: You, lieutenant, you're a smart lawyer. (lurks over Bud's shoulder, takes his pen) And you know the law. (starts clicking the pen next to Bud's ears, one side then the other) BUD: I know why I'm here. GIBBS: Oh, I hope so. I requested you. BUD: Yeah, you requested me because you think you can work me like you did last time when I ratted out Commander Rabb. GIBBS: You did not "rat" on anyone. You told the truth. (starts looking for lint on Bud's shoulder) BUD: I, uh, gave my uniform an extra lint roll this morning, Agent Gibbs. And you waltzing around in my blind spot? Not gonna intimidate my this time. GIBBS: Were at 24 hours now, soon it's going to be 48. You've done investigations, you know what that means? BUD: I've done JAG nano-investigations, sure. At 48 hours, you're evidence begins to degrade. Disappeared witnesses change their stories, suspects improve theirs. I know. KATE: So help us. BUD: No! You're not going to get me to lawyer you passed an iron-clad prohibition that prevents tapping into DNA records that were designed to identify bodies. Not chase suspects. GIBBS: This guy is guilty. He killed him. Let him drop to his death from 1300ft. BUD: It doesn't matter. GIBBS: For every legal firewall, there is a way around it. BUD: (shakes head) I can't help you. And can I please have my pen back? GIBBS: Oh. Oh yeah, sure. (returns pen) You're gonna need it, because if I can't have my DNA I'm gonna need some search authorisations signed. (smiles conspiratorially at Kate) [SCENE_BREAK] *cut to NCIS Headquarter's offices* KATE: You knew Lieutenant Roberts wasn't going to lawyer us access to the military database. GIBBS: (innocently) Did I? KATE: You did. So why go through the exercise? GIBBS: Kate, I come from a long line of horse traders. First rule, you pick the best horse in the barn and you work the deal until it bursts. TONY: That way, when you go for the second best nag, you get her for a song. KATE: (realising) The search authorisation. GIBBS: We didn't have probable cause. But the lieutenant, he's a man who aims to please. You never work the system, when you can work the people. KATE: Any of those horse traders you come from get hung? GIBBS: (glibly) Yeah, a few. Kate nods, unsurprised. GIBBS (to Tony): Did you find out what Ramsey was written up for? TONY: Ah, yeah. (reads from clipboard) Frayed lines, bent cones, cuts in the canopy. Tell ya, I hope this guy isn't going to medical school at night. (remembers something) Oh, yeah! Scuttle butt is- KATE: Scuttle butt? GIBBS: That's Marine, for watercooler gossip. (Kate nods in understanding) TONY: The scuttle butt is that Ramsey took a swing at Thumper for getting him suspended. Gibbs's cell phone rings. He pulls it out to look at the call display. GIBBS: Identity withheld. TONY: Probably the reason you married her. Kate looks up, interested. Gibbs looks annoyed. TONY: She probably hid her real personality. As most women do. Now Kate gives him a disgruntled look. The phone continues to ring. TONY: And by that time it was too late, because you'd already... Tony finally looks at Gibbs, who is staring at him. Just daring him to finish that sentence. Tony wisely withdraws. The phone keeps ringing. TONY (backing away): I'm gonna shut up now. GIBBS: (sarcastically) Now? Tony slinks back to his own desk. Quietly. KATE (to Tony): Do you really just say "as most women do"? Tony just gives her a petulant look. GIBBS: Meet me at the paraloft at 14: 00. We'll execute our search authorisation to go through the riggers's lockers. TONY: That's two o'clock Secret Service time, Kate. KATE: (smugly) We used Zulu time, Tony. TONY: (scratches his chin) Zulu time. Oh yeah, that'd be... KATE: 19: 00. TONY: (scoffs) I knew that. Gibbs shakes his head and leaves. *cut to Fuentes residence* There's a kid up in an unfinished treehouse in the front yard. Gibbs looks at him as he walks up to the door. The he pauses, changes his mind, and approaches the kid instead. GIBBS: Hey. Can I come up? The kid, a young boy, doesn't answer. GIBBS: Do I need a password? (no answer) Ah, maybe I'll just come up a little. Gibbs climbs up the ladder until he can the kid. The kid is sitting despondently, tearing up leaves in his bare unfinished treehouse. The treehouse itself is little more than a platform with posts at the corners. GIBBS: You really should have a password. KID (finally looking at Gibbs): Why? (holding back tears) It's never gonna be finished. My dad's dead. GIBBS: Yeah. Yeah, I know. WOMAN (calling from below): Who are you? Gibbs looks down. Two women are exiting from the house. He climbs back down the latter. GIBBS: I'm, ah, Jethro Gibbs. (shows badge) NCIS. WOMAN: I don't have time to answer questions. We're on our way to the funeral. GIBBS: I'm not here to ask questions. WOMAN: Then why are you here? KID: He says I need a password, mom. WOMAN: What? GIBBS: I told him a treehouse should have a password. WOMAN: Oh. (looks at treehouse) Larry was building that for him. GIBBS: Doing a good job. WOMAN: Larry was a good man. A good husband, and a good father. GIBBS: Good Marine. WOMAN: There are rumours that his death wasn't an accident. GIBBS: Whatever happens, Mrs. Fuentes, I'll find who's responsible. MRS. FUENTES: Billy, we have to go. Billy climbs down the ladder. His mother starts brushing dust/dirt off his suit. MRS. FUENTES: Ah, look at you. All dusty. Come here, your hair's a mess. Where's your comb? (kid pulls a comb from his pocket) Larry always told him to carry a comb. BILLY: (combing hair) Like J.F.K. Whoever he is. GIBBS: He was a Navy guy, like your dad was a Marine. (kneels to kid's level) Navy guys, Marines... they always look their best. Your dad would want you to look your best today for him. BILLY: (tearfully) I don't want the Marines at the funeral to see me cry. GIBBS: Never be ashamed of tears, bud. BILLY: Marines don't cry. GIBBS: Yeah, they do. At J.F.K.'s funeral, his son saluted the coffin. You know how to salute? Billy steps back and demonstrates a text-book salute. GIBBS: (smiles) Perfect. You salute your dad today, nobody'll notice the tears. Billy nods. His mother smiles briefly in gratitude. Car starts up. MRS. FUENTES: We have to go. Gibbs stands and Mrs. Fuentes starts to lead her son away. She only gets a few feet before she stops and turns to look at Gibbs. MRS. FUENTES: I believe you'll get whoever did this. GIBBS: You have my word. *cut to Quantico para-training facility* This time, Tony is the trainee getting lessons in how to jump and land properly. He's all decked out in the cammo gear, too. MARINE: Keep your feet together, cushion the impact. TONY: That's it? MARINE: You signed the release to notify next of kin, right? TONY: (huffs a laugh) Just don't say break a leg. The Marine pats him on the back and Tony turns sideways to jump the five feet to the ground. He hits hard, but manages to roll back up to his feet. Gibbs and Kate are approaching, watching him. TONY (to Marine): How was that? KATE: Very ladylike. GIBBS: DiNozzo! What are you doing? TONY: Ah... (takes off helmet) Just doing a little research for Abby. GIBBS: (doubtful) For Abby? TONY: Well, maybe I'm serving two masters. GIBBS: (crooks a finger) You're serving one, now. KATE: How did you get into NCIS? TONY: I smiled. (grins) *cut to paraloft* MARINE: I had the riggers's lockers sealed immediately after the incident. Tony, Gibbs, and Kate snap on gloves. Thumper's string of jumpers are lined up in front of them. GIBBS (to Ramsey): Keys? Ramsey passes the first set of keys over and Gibbs gives them to Kate. She opens Ramsey's locker. DiNozzo gets the next set of keys, and checks Dafelmair's locker. Gibbs takes Brinkman's. All three thorough search the lockers. Kate finds a small box full of stuff. KATE: Got something. She sets the box down on the table and starts carefully unloading it. Rags, tools, a canister of something. GIBBS: (picking up canister) Brass-stripper solvent. KATE: Read the contents. Gibbs flips the container over and tries to read the small print on the back, but can't make it out without his glasses. He passes it back to Tony with a wince. TONY: (reading contents) Contains petroleum distillate, ammonia, and sulfuric acid. Harmful if swallowed. Or applied to shroud lines. KATE: Ramsey's locker. RAMSEY: That stuff's not mine. GIBBS: Sergeant Nutt, place the corporal in custody. Tony, read him. TONY: (while Sgt. cuffs Cpl.) You have the right to remain silent. Tony keeps reading Ramsey his rights while Gibbs relocks his locker. *cut to Interrogation room, NCIS headquarters* Gibbs has Cpl. Ramsey in the room. Gibbs is twirling the corporal's keys around his finger. GIBBS: Scuttle butt has it that you and Thumper mixed it up in the paraloft. RAMSEY: We exchanged words, sir. GIBBS: And fists. RAMSEY: Punch or two was thrown, nothing serious. I damn sure wasn't angry enough to kill him, sir. GIBBS: Well maybe you only meant to scare him. But Thumper was on painkillers and didn't have time to pull his reserve. RAMSEY: I didn't touch his chute, sir. How could I? I'm on suspension. The paraloft is under lock and key. Tony enters the observation room. Kate's already there. KATE: What'd you find? TONY: Hardware store where our guy did one-stop shopping. Clerk's pretty fussy. He does remember a Marine in a real hurry to copy a key. Kate nods. In the Interrogation room, Gibbs reveals a duplicate key. GIBBS: All you needed was a key. Like this one. (Ramsey looks nervous) I found this one in Thumper's personal effects. RAMSEY: If that's the paraloft key, you won't find one like that on my keychain. (Gibbs checks key matches) I've messed up some rigging, sir, but never intentionally. A guy jumps with one of my chutes, he puts his life in my hands. I never breached that trust, sir, never. GIBBS: Now. (holds up key match) Are you gonna tell me that was a plant too? RAMSEY: (desperately) Had to be. I'm not guilty, sir. In the observation room, Kate rolls her eyes at Tony. TONY: They're always so sincere when they say that. Gibbs stares at Ramsey, who is on the verge of freaking out. GIBBS: What if I was to give you an offer to prove that? RAMSEY: Anything, sir. GIBBS: Maybe you'd be willing to give us a sample of your DNA. RAMSEY: Someone put that box in my locker and that key on my keychain. How do I know that you don't have my DNA on something else they planted too? GIBBS: (smirks) You don't. *cut to NCIS Headquarter's offices* Gibbs is reading a file, or trying to. He closes it in frustration and tosses like a frisbee to Tony. GIBBS: DiNozzo, where'd you learn how to write? China? KATE: I'd say Egypt, looks more like hieroglyphics. TONY: (indignantly) Hey! You were in a rush to read it. GIBBS: (salutes him with his mug of coffee) My mistake. KATE: Are those the interviews of the Marines that didn't jump? TONY: Yeah, it's not very interesting... While Tony tells Kate what's in the file, Abby steps off the elevator and into the offices. She carrying a box with a cotton swab in it. ABBY: Corporal Ramsey finally gave it up. His mouth was drier than mummy dust. I had to swap it four times to get a decent DNA sample. GIBBS: How long to test for a match to the skin cells? ABBY: Well, if you want no [??time stamp 33: 01??] in court, you've gotta give me 24. GIBBS: Abby, clock's ticking. KATE: You don't expect a guilty man to give up his DNA. TONY: Well, he's rolling the dice. Hoping for that one-in-a-million shot it won't match. KATE: Guilty people do that? TONY: (huffs) All the time. GIBBS: Uh, Kate has a point. What if Ramsey was set up? What if, what if he's innocent? What if he's telling the truth? TONY: Well we'll know in 24 hours but I wouldn't bet on it. GIBBS: (gets up, puts on coat) Well, you know what, I don't like sitting on my ass waiting for a DNA match. KATE: (gets up, grabs gun) They are only two other possible suspects. Corporal Dafelmair or Brinkman. GIBBS: No, there's three. You're forgetting Captain Faul. He's got a key to the paraloft. (sees Tony getting up putting his holster on) Where do you think you're going, bubba? You've got a report to finish. *cut to Captain Faul's office* FAUL: Sergeant Fuentes was one of the finest NCOs in my command. He was tough on his riggers, but fair. Ah, I still find it difficult to believe his reporting Corporal Ramsey drove him to murder. KATE: Corporal Ramsey hasn't been proven guilty yet, Captain. FAUL: You're holding him. Scuttle butt is he's confessed. GIBBS: Never knew a Marine captain who believed scuttle butt. Gibbs grins at his own statement. Cpt. Faul does not look amused. GIBBS: How did you prepare the day of the exercise? FAUL: I spent the morning in [trout??] talk with the Naval aviators piloting the C-130. GIBBS: The nest used a Navy bird? FAUL: Most of ours are deployed in Iraq. KATE: You each lunch with them? FAUL: At the Officer's Mess. After lunch, we had a couple of dry runs, had another [trop??] talk, and then loaded up. Why? GIBBS: Do you have your paraloft key, Captain? Faul opens his drawer and pulls out his keychain. He displays his paraloft key to Gibbs. GIBBS (to Kate, but not quietly): Corporal Ramsey must have lifted Sergeant Fuentes's key long enough to make a duplicate. FAUL: Corporal Ramsey made a key to the paraloft. GIBBS: It's the only way he could have slipped in to sabotage the chutes. (shakes hands with Faul) KATE: Thank you. (shakes hands with Faul) FAUL: Thank you. (fiddles with keychain) Why didn't you just ask to see my key? GIBBS (pausing at door): Agent Todd is new, just teaching her how to interrogate. FAUL: The paraloft was secured between 09: 00 and 18: 00. That's why you wanted to know what I was doing all day. You suspected me. KATE (to Gibbs, playing along): If the captain were a suspect, we would have read him his rights, wouldn't we? GIBBS: (smirks) Very good, Agent Todd, very good. Kate grins at Cpt. Faul and follows Gibbs out. Faul watches them leave. *cut to NCIS Headquarter's offices* Gibbs and Kate walk off the elevator onto the floor. Tony hands Gibbs his typed-up report. TONY: The Captain have an alibi? KATE: He was no where near the paraloft when the chute's were sabotaged. TONY: Ramsey's the dirtbag. KATE: It could still be Dafelmair or Brinkman. GIBBS (reading from Tony's report): Sergeant Fuentes supervised the riggers handing out chutes. TONY: Yeah, he watches the riggers from the back of the truck. GIBBS: Ramsey participated. TONY: Well, he's on suspension from rigging, not passing out chutes or jumping. KATE: (theorising) He could have given Thumper a dirty chute. GIBBS: (looking up) What'd you say? KATE: Ramsey. Could have given Thumper a sabotaged chute. GIBBS: No, you said "dirty". KATE: What? TONY: With Gibbs, you never know. Gibbs takes off quickly, having an idea. Kate and Tony follow in confusion. *cut to Abby's lab* GIBBS: Abby, I need to see Sergeant Fuentes's reserve chute. ABBY: Might want to take a look at this first. (indicates her wall monitor) Now that I'm only running one DNA analysis, I finally had time to do a particle pick on the shroud lines. You're looking at the infrared of Bolivia's best. TONY: Cocaine? GIBBS: The killer's using? ABBY: No, the rock's too pure. The residue on his skin s probably from cutting and weighing. KATE: (rhetorically) Why don't I think Thumper was killed for reporting Corporal Ramsey's rigging? GIBBS (to Abby): Where's Thumper's reserve chute? ABBY: It's over here. (picks up a plastic wrapped bag) I already checked it, Gibbs. It's clean. GIBBS: (puts on gloves, lifts flap on chute) Know what, it's too clean. Too clean for someone who smashed into a tree and an SUV. (to Abby) Where's the other jump gear we confiscated. ABBY: I stored it in the Ballistics lab after I tested it. They all go into the other room. Gibbs starts searching through the bagged chutes. ABBY: What're you looking for? GIBBS: Ramsey. Dafelmair's. Brinkman's gear. Here's one. (moves it to make it more accessible, Abby starts cutting the plastic wrap open) TONY: What are you looking for? GIBBS: A screwed pooch. Abby finds and cuts open the bagged chutes of the other two guys. Gibbs starts opening them up and taking them apart to check the reserve chute tucked away inside. On the second one, he finds it. GIBBS: Here it is, it's dirty. (holds it up so we can read the number "13" printed on side) This is the reserve that Thumper jumped with. ABBY: Unlucky thirteen. GIBBS: Someone pulled a switch after he hit the SUV. Gibbs tests the reserve chute by pulling on the pin. Nothing happens. He flips a flap and sees why. GIBBS: The cones been soldered in place. Doesn't matter if the painkillers slowed his judgement, he couldn't use this chute. TONY: (starts looking for a label) Hey, how's ruck sack is this? Gibbs finds the label with the owner's name on it. Everyone shares a look. GIBBS: Call Captain Faul. Tell him jump ops can resume, we've got our killer. KATE: Do I tell him who? GIBBS: Nope. I don't want DNA evidence, I want this b*st*rd to confess. (Kate nods, leaves to make call) TONY: How we gonna do that? GIBBS: (tosses sabotaged chute at Tony) Where this when we jump. TONY: Jump? *cut to airplane, night* A line of paratroopers are boarding the C-130 parked outside the hanger. Tony and Gibbs, in full paratrooper regalia, join the procession. They pause when they get to the hatch. GIBBS: Hey, Cap! FAUL: Aren't you a little old to re-up? GIBBS: (drolly) I hear there's a war on. FAUL: Agent DiNozzo, I can't tell if your enlisting or just listing. TONY: (struggling under the weight of the pack) Ha, ha, ha. That's a good one. GIBBS: We're going with you, boys. NCIS training mission. FAUL: (rolls his eyes) Now why don't I believe that? (Gibbs stares at him) Hell, why not? Hate to pass up the opportunity to toss a couple of NCIS agents out of a plane. (gives Gibbs his hand to haul him aboard) The plane takes off. BRINKMAN (to Tony): Why you jumping with us, sir? TONY: Always wanted to jump. Agent Gibbs came along to laugh. DAFELMAIR: Hare to believe Dave killed Thumper over a lousy two-week suspension, sir. GIBBS: Yeah. BRINKMAN: Thumper rode him, sir. But no more than the rest of us. Just doesn't make sense. TONY (acting like he just noticed his reserve chute has "13" on it): Oh no! GIBBS: What, chickening out? TONY: (scowls at Gibbs) Thirteen. It's my first jump and my reserve is number thirteen? GIBBS: (leadingly) Wouldn't have bothered Thumper, would it guys? (Dafelmair and Brinkman share a look) Is either of you superstitious? MARINES (together): No, sir! GIBBS: Great! (to Tony) Why don't you swap with Corporal Brinkman. TONY (to Brinkman): What's your reserve chute number? BRINKMAN: Four. TONY: Four? (looks at Gibbs) Four is unlucky in China. GIBBS: We're not in China. TONY: I don't care. (to Dafelmair) What's your number? DAFELMAIR: Eight. TONY: Great! (to Gibbs) Eight's lucky in China. Tony takes off his reserve chute and offers it to Dafelmair. Dafelmair just looks at it. GIBBS: There a problem? (stares at Dafelmair) DAFELMAIR: (hesitates) No, sir. Dafelmair unhooks his reserve chute and switches it for Tony's. He stares at Gibbs the whole time. An alarm beeps. FAUL: Stand up! The men grasp hands to haul each other up to their feet in the cramped space. Gibbs and Dafelmair help each other - neither looks pleased. Dafelmair takes the lead in the string, Gibbs right behind him. FAUL: Hook up! The men hook on to the static lines and start to move forward. GIBBS: Thumper ride you, Corporal Dafelmair? DAFELMAIR: He rode everybody, sir. GIBBS: About being a drug dealer? (Dafelmair stops and stares at him) That's his reserve chute you're wearing. The one you switched on him when he landed. DAFELMAIR: (looks down at chute, worriedly) Don't know what you're talking about, sir. TONY: You were the first one down. First one to get to Thumper. Ramsey was helping Brinkman out of a tree. BRINKMAN: What's he saying, Paul? DAFELMAIR: I don't know! TONY: Only takes a couple of minutes to switch a bad chute for a good one. GIBBS: Marine Corps gave you a second chance. When Thumper found out you soiled the uniform by dealing drugs, he wouldn't do it. FAUL: I thought Corporal Ramsey was guilty. DAFELMAIR: (aggressively) He is, sir! Gibbs draws a small pocket knife. GIBBS: [Fa bra??], Corporal. Prove it. (cuts Dafelmair's main chute line) FAUL: What the hell you doing?! His main can't open. GIBBS: He's got a reserve! DAFELMAIR: Captain, this is nuts! You gonna put a stop to this, sir? Everyone looks at each other. It's a tense moment. Then the alarm beeps again. FAUL (checking watch): Thirty seconds 'til drop. GIBBS (to Dafelmair): A confession right now of your drug supplier will get you a deal. DAFELMAIR: (thinks about it for a few seconds) How good a deal? GIBBS: (sneers) Read him his Article 31s. TONY: (unhooking to step forward) You have the right to remain silent. BRINKMAN (interrupting): He doesn't deserve a deal! Brinkman attacks Dafelmair and in the confusion of the scuffle, Tony gets knocked off the plane. He screams on the way down. Gibbs runs to the hatch to look out. GIBBS: (sees Tony's canopy open) Goodbye, DiNozzo. TONY: Whoohooo!! *cut to NCIS Headquarter's offices* The television is playing a news broadcast. Sgt. Fuentes's picture is on the screen with the image of a waving American Flag behind him. NEWS ANCHOR (on TV): Military authorities arrested a Marine and charged him with murder, in connection with Larry Fuentes's tragic parachute mishap three days ago. TONY (watching broadcast): We ever gonna make the eleven o'clock news? GIBBS: Could have happened tonight if you broke your neck. TONY: Well, it's been a long one. (puts on weapon) You leaving soon? GIBBS (writing a report): Mmmhmm. TONY: Alright. (grabs coat and keys) G'night. Tony leaves. Gibbs watches him limp past, favouring his right leg, and smiles. Then his cell phone rings. Gibbs drops his pen and flips open the cell, holding it up so we can read the call display. It says "Caller ID Withheld". Gibbs stands up and throws the phone into a drawer. *cut to Fuentes residence, early morning* We hear hammer noises. Billy Fuentes comes out of the house in his pyjamas. He looks up at his treehouse and sees Gibbs, hammering a board into place as a railing. BILLY: Can I come up? GIBBS: You got a password? BILLY: Yes, sir. Semper Fi! GIBBS: (grins) That's a good password. Come on up. Billy climbs up to the treehouse and he and Gibbs work together to finish building the treehouse. *END CREDITS*

A Marine (Brian Patrick Wade) dies during a night-time training jump. The culprit seems to be a faulty parachute, but standard investigation reveals that the death might not have been an accident after all. Gibbs begins to believe that the supposed accident which resulted in the Marine's death might actually be murder after all and he and Tony, along with new recruit Kate Todd, set out to find out who tampered with the dead Marine's faulty parachute and eventually sent him to his death. This is the first crossover with JAG in this series, with the appearance of Lt. Bud Roberts Jr. (Patrick Labyorteaux).

fd_Dawson_s_Creek_04x04

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[Scene: Joey's Bedroom. Joey and Pacey are there doing some homework. Pacey is sitting in a chair and Joey is at her desk. ] Pacey: I'm bored. Joey: Good. Pacey: Good? Mm-mmm. I thought you were supposed to be concerned about me in light of the recent tragedy I've suffered. Joey: Pacey, it's precisely because of the recent tragedy you suffered that you could use a little boredom. Now keep reading. Pacey: I'm serious here, Jo. What's the point of reading a book about the future when the future in the book is already the past? Joey: Everybody's future eventually becomes the past, Pacey. Pacey: Yeah, but 1984? Big whoop. It happened. It's over. It was no big deal. Joey: And how would you know? You were in diapers at the time. Pacey: Vh1 behind the music, thank you very much. The point is, these people in the fifties, they spend their whole lives worrying about what the future's gonna be like, and when it gets here, turns out it's ok. Except for that whole boy George thing, but who could have predicted that, huh? What's this stuff? Joey: Oh, nothing. It's just junk mail. Pacey: Junk mail? Joey: It's just college mail that came over the summer. Pacey: You get junk mail from Princeton university? Joey: It doesn't mean anything. It comes from everywhere. I mean, like for instance, like I'm gonna go to St. Olaf college? Or, uh, university of Hawaii. Or, uh, Valparaiso university. Where is that? It's like in brazil or something. Pacey: But you are gonna go somewhere? Joey: Well, not right this second. I mean, it's early yet anyway, I mean, you know, maybe I'll just... Maybe I'll just go to one of those fictional colleges. You know, like on those lame high school TV shows that go on for way too long. And then, just in time to save the franchise, all of the sudden it turns out that there's this amazing world class college that's right around the corner where all the principal characters are accepted. Just to be safe, we should probably start the application process. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: The college advisors office. There is a montage of scenes with the various cast members meeting with the advisor.] Advisor: To make a fresh start today you wanna go to college? Jack: Well, I did, until I realized how many little forms I was gonna have to fill out. But I--I--I--I intend to get started, I--I do. I've just been really busy with... Football. I know it's not gonna help me get into college. But I did start this thing, and I don't wanna quit until it's... Done. Andie: I am so glad that I did this early action thing. Oh, it's just like this giant weight has been... Joey: Placed firmly around my neck, I mean, it's a big decision. And it's not like I can afford to apply to a zillion places. Dawson: Everyone just assumes I'm going to film school. Advisor: And you're not? Dawson: Well, I'm not ruling anything out. I mean, maybe I will, and maybe I won't. Pacey: If the aptitude test says I'm well-suited for a career in law enforcement, it's obviously in some serious need of retooling. You haven't been talking to my brother, have you? Jack: Ha ha ha! She said what? Advisor: Your sister tells me you're not quite as far along in the college application process as you could be. Jack: Do you know my sister? Andie: Are you sure there's nothing else I should be doing at this point? I mean couldn't we call or something? Pacey: How can anybody be sure where they want to spend the next 4 years of their life? And I'm so sick of answering these lame questions like... Where do I see myself in 5 years? Just wish me luck, lady. I'll probably still be here. Joey: I'm actually the first person in my family to even apply to college. Advisor: That can work to your advantage. Elite schools are generally looking for people with diverse backgrounds. You're at the top of your class, Joey. Joey: The top top? Advisor: Number 4, and your board scores are phenomenal. I think that you should be able to get into practically anyplace in the country. Joey: And this must be where the "but" comes in. Advisor: Well, the Ivys, Georgetown, duke, Stanford, I mean, these schools accept only a miniscule amount of the people that apply. And hardly anybody ever gets a free ride. So you're telling me I've set my sights too high? It's a crapshoot. Now, do I think that you're smart and talented enough to be one of those people that gets in? Yes. Do I think that you should prepare yourself for the possibility that you might not be one of those people? That couldn't hurt. [Scene: The sidewalk outside of school. Jen is walking to school when Drue comes running up to her.] Drue: Jenny! Jenny! What, you no longer answer to jenny? Jen: Not since I left the 212 area code. Drue: Not so fast. Can I walk you home? Carry your books? Buy you a soda at the malt shop? That's what people do for fun around here in Pleasantville, right? Jen: Drue, I'm going to say this in the nicest way possible--go away. Drue: If I didn't know better, I'd think maybe you weren't exactly happy to see me. Jen: No! Really? Drue: Here I am, your old chum from the big city cast adrift in a one-horse town with no decent Chinese food, and you don't roll out the red carpet, you don't sit with me at lunch, you don't introduce me to your friends. Jen: Well, that's because you already seem to know my friends. They knew that you were here before I did, and they didn't warn me. I wonder why that is, huh? Drue: Ok. Busted. I didn't tell them I knew you. I wanted to lay low, soak up some secondhand impressions of Jen Lindley, version 2.0. So, what do you say? You and me, one milkshake, 2 straws. Catch up on old times. I've missed you these past 2 years. Jen: No, you didn't. You didn't miss me. You missed my idiotic willingness to try out any and all illegal substances that you happened to purchase in Washington square park. Remember? Drue: Hey, come on. Not all that ecstasy turned out to be sinus headache medication. You make it sound like we never had any fun. Jen: Drue, the kind of fun that we had, I don't have anymore. So I don't know what you're hoping to gain by this little trip down memory lane, but it won't get you anywhere. Drue: Hey, it's not that I don't dig this whole hip-to-be-square thing you got going on, because I do. I just think we should hang out. Jen: Hang out? Drue: That's all. So what do you say? Jen: No way. Not ever. Never gonna happen. [Scene: The Leery Fish House. Gretchen is sitting at the bar filling out some forms, when Dawson comes in to the restaurant.] Gretchen: Uh, they're closed. Dawson: Uh, it's ok. I know the owner. Gretchen: Oh, hey. Your mom's in the back. Some fish-related crisis. Dawson: That's the only kind there is around here. So are you staking out a seat for the early-bird special or what? Gretchen: No. Interviewing for a job. Dawson: The bartending job? Gretchen: Hey, I may not be coyote ugly material, but I can make a seven & seven with the best of them. Dawson: I...Believe you. So, uh, how's it going, the interview? Gretchen: Ok, I guess. Or at least I hope so. I really need this job. I was tending bar all summer up in Provincetown. And now that the tourists are gone, bye-bye, job. Gale: Hey, sorry about that. Tonight's special just changed from red snapper to Ahi tuna. Hi, honey. You know, Gretchen, everything certainly looks great on paper, but I do have one more question. What are your plans for school? Gretchen: School? Gale: College. Are you going back any time soon? Because I was really hoping to find somebody who was willing to stick around for a while. Gretchen: No, I, um, I'm on break, you know, indefinitely. Gale: Is there a reason for that? Gretchen: Not a very interesting one. Dawson: So, mom, you want me to, uh, set tables or what? Gale: Uh, yeah, honey, it is getting late. Um, you know what, Gretchen? Instant decision time here. Can you start tomorrow? Gretchen: Yes. Tomorrow, today, yesterday. Gale: That's great. [Scene: The Football Field. Jack is practicing with the team, as Mitch watches over them. Andie comes walking up to join them.] Mitch: Whenever you're ready. Gentlemen. [Blows whistle] Jack: hey, what's up? Andie: You are not going to believe what happened. Jack: Something good, something bad, what? Andie: Something good. Ok, you know Miss Watson, the college advisor? She actually called Harvard for me. Jack: And? Andie: And the woman she spoke to not only said that everything looked good, but she remembered my essay. My essay! Out of thousands! Mine! Jack: That's great, Andie. Mitch: McPhee! Break's over. Let's go. Jack: Duty calls. Andie: Ok. Go, team! [Jack goes back to practice, and runs out to catch passes on several plays.] Mitch: [Blows whistle] [Jack goes diving for a catch and lands on his shoulder wrong dislocating it.] [Scene: The school hallway. Jack and Andie are walking in the hallway, and Jack has a Sling on his arm.] Jack: Yeow! Oh, ow! I got it, I got it. Andie: Got it? Jack: Ok, oh! Andie: Oh, I'm sorry. I'm really, really sorry. Jen: Jack, jack, that--that looks a lot worse than what you led me to believe. Dawson: Yeah. My dad said you weren't even gonna be in school today. Jack: It's fine. It's nothing. The worst part about it was the sound that it made when they popped it back in. Andie: Oh, it was so gross. You guys, er does not prepare you for that kind of stuff. Guy: Hey, McPhee. Sorry about the shoulder. Jack: Oh. Yeah. Thanks. Dawson: Anything else we can help you with? Guy: Yeah. A bunch of us were just kinda wondering if the party was still on. Dawson: What party? Guy: Was it like a surprise or something? Jen: Is what a surprise? Guy: The birthday party. Guy2: Hey, Lindley. Happy birthday. Party tonight, dude? Guy3: You know it, dude. Andie: Ok, Jen. You did not tell me it was your birthday. Happy birthday! Jen: No, no, no, no. It's not. Jack: Yeah, it's not. Her birthday's in may. Dawson: So it's not your birthday, and yet people who call each other dude seem to be attending your birthday party. You might want to look into that. Jen: Yeah. Ha ha. [Scene: Outside the Potter B&B. Bessie is sitting on a bench when Joey comes up to join her.] Joey: Can I ask you a question? What does it mean when you dream that your teeth are slowly receding back into your head and the world's leading experts are powerless to stop it? Bessie: It means you shouldn't stay up all night stressing about college. You'll get in some place great, they'll give you tons of financial aid, and everything will be perfect. Joey: Yeah, that's what I thought, too, until yesterday. Bessie: What happened yesterday? Joey: [Sighs] I had a meeting with a new college advisor. Bessie: So? Joey: I'm fourth. Bessie: Fourth? Four--fourth in your class? [Gasps] Joey, that's amazing. Joey: Yeah. It's amazing, but... [Sighs] Bessie, all of the places that I thought I wanted to apply to, they're looking for people who are number 4, and they're, you know, concert violinists, or they won the Westinghouse science prize, or they're legacies like Andie. I mean... Maybe I shouldn't even bother, I mean... I--I'd probably just be wasting the application fees. Bessie: Your defeatist attitude has got to go. What does Pacey say? Joey: Pacey's barely gonna graduate. I can't exactly cry on his shoulder about my tragic lack of extracurricular activities. If I tell Pacey how stressed I am, he's just gonna think that I'm this pathetic, whiny crybaby, you know? Bessie: Look, going to one of these schools could open up opportunities you've always dreamed about, right? Joey: Yes. Bessie: So your dreams are your dreams, Joey. You can't apologize for them. Just talk to him. You'll probably find out they're his dreams, too. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: The school hallway. Drue is walking in it, when Jen comes angrily up to him.] Jen: Unacceptable. Drue: Excuse me? Jen: You throwing me a birthday party. Unacceptable. Drue: So you found out about that. Jen: Yeah, well, how could I not? I spent the entire morning fielding birthday wishes from complete strangers. My French class sang to me in French. Drue: Oh, bummer. Hey, palmer. Palmer: Hey, Drue. Drue: Jason, I'll see you there, right, dude? Jason: Oh, yeah. You know it, man. Excellent. Drue: Isn't this great? Yesterday, I didn't even know that guy from a hole in the wall. Today, paesans. I'm telling you, this party's really been a great way for me to get to know people. Jen: Good, but the fact that it's not my birthday, that--that puts no damper on the festivities, huh? Drue: I like to think of tonight as an omnibus retroactive birthday celebration, you know? It covers all those parties we missed when we were apart, plus I'm doing a public service. We need to get you out of this funk you've been in since phantom freshman dumped you. Jen: Ok, first of all, he didn't dump me. I dumped him. Drue: Technicality. Jen: Second, this isn't a funk. It's my personality. Harsh. Third, it's not my birthday. Drue: Another technicality. Look, I want to let you in on a little secret, ok? Something the old Jen Lindley used to know. People are sheep. They need a reason to celebrate, ok, and that's where I come in. I give them something to celebrate. You. Jen: Answer me one thing: Why on earth would I actually attend this little shindig? Drue: Well, you can't miss your own birthday. Jen: But it's not my birthday. Drue: I know, I know, but everyone here thinks it's your birthday, so work with me, ok? If it's your birthday and you don't show up, I guess that makes you sort of a stuck-up. Jen: You know what? Don't say it, Drue. I'd hate for endangered turtles to die while they're dragging the creek for your body. Drue: Mmm. Starts at 8:00, dress is casual, but, uh, not that casual. You might want to go home first. Spiff yourself up a little, ok? See you later. [Scene: A sidewalk in Capeside's shopping district. Jack and Andie are walking along the sidewalk talking to each other. Jack is in considerable pain.] Andie: You know, Jack, things aren't as bad as you think they are. In fact, this whole injury could be a really good thing. Jack: Oh, yeah. Let me guess. It'll give me more time to work on my applications? Andie: Exactly, 'cause you don't want to get behind. Not like you already aren't. Jack: [Sighs] look, Andie, I am in some serious pain here. Can you just lay off the lectures for a little bit, just until I get some pills in me? Andie: Sure thing. Jack: Thanks. Andie: Although... You might want to consider that this whole experience could make a really great essay topic. Jack: Yeah. Yeah, that's good. I'm gonna get working on that as soon as I get home. Are we done with this little shopping excursion of ours? Andie: Almost. I just want to go in the bookstore and get a present for Jen for her birthday. Jack: [Sighs] you know it's not actually her birthday? Andie: I know. It just seems kind of rude to show up empty-handed. [Scene: The Leery Fish House. Dawson and Gale are sitting at a table eating and talking to each other.] Dawson: Mm-hmm. I am never eating a home-cooked meal again, am I? Gale: Yeah. Looks like you're stuck yet again with 4-star gourmet cuisine. Dawson: So, uh, Gretchen seems to be working out. Gale: Uh, yeah, so far. I just wish I knew that she was gonna be around for more than a few months. Now, why would this incredibly beautiful and bright and talented young woman who could be off at college furthering her education choose to be back in Capeside tending bar? Dawson: Because maybe college isn't the be-all and end-all that parents make it out to be. You know, I mean, maybe once you get past the rhetoric of all these great books that nobody reads, college is basically just a holding pen for 18- to 22-year-olds. Like one of those airports that everybody has to stop at on their way to someplace else? Kind of like prison with a better meal plan. Gale: Please tell me you're saying these things for the adolescent thrill of getting a rise out of your mother. Dawson: It's true, mom. Most people aren't in college to learn. They're there to kill brain cells and co-mingle with the opposite s*x. Gale: Well, not that I'm complaining, but how did I end up with the only 17-year-old in the country who thinks that sounds like a bad idea? Dawson: Well, I'm not opposed to those things. I'm just saying I think the whole idea of higher education is a little bit of a misnomer. You know, I think people should call things what they are. Gale: Like when people are running away from their problems, they should admit they're running away from their problems? Dawson: Are we talking about somebody I know? Gale: Well, honey, your father and I couldn't help but notice that all of the college applications arriving in the mailbox seem to be coming from zip codes more than 1,000 miles away. Dawson: Right, and you and dad never suspected that your movie-obsessed son might want to go to school in California? Gale: Well, honey, we don't have a problem if you want to go to California or new Mexico or Alaska if that's what you really want. We just don't want you to make a decision that's gonna affect the rest of your life based on the wrong criteria. Dawson: [Sighs] like? Gale: Like the desire to put an entire continent between you and a certain girl we both know? [Scene: Pacey's House. Joey and Pacey are there talking to one another.] Joey: If I tell you what's bothering me, will you promise not to laugh at me or tell me I'm insane or insist that I should just get over myself? Pacey: I think I can probably do that, yeah. Joey: [Sighs] I found out yesterday that I'm fourth. My class rank. I'm fourth. Pacey: [Laughs] that's your problem? That's not a problem. If anything, that's a reason to quit studying. Joey: I don't even know why I bother. I knew you wouldn't understand. Pacey: Ok, I'm sorry. That was bad. Can we try that again? Yeah? But this time, you've gotta cut out all that stuff about being number 4, 'cause I know that can't possibly be the reason you're so bothered. Joey: Well, no, it's... It's just that I always thought that if I did well in school, that these doors would open for me, you know, and--and maybe I was just being naive. Maybe I've just set these goals that are really unrealistic, and you know, certain people get into certain places because of who their parents are, how-- you're not even listening. Pacey: Uh, no, I was listening. Look, we should just all have your problems, you know? You're sitting here as a girl with one of the brightest futures on the face of the planet, talking to a guy who's not gonna get into any school where they don't give him his own tools. Joey: Put your shoes on. Let's go out. Pacey: Out? We can't go out. Joey: Yeah. Pacey: You know, just when this conversation starts to get emotionally complex, you want to bail. Who's the guy in this relationship? Joey: You are, and as the guy, you have a choice. You can either stay here and prove how sensitive you aren't, or we can go to Jen's un-birthday party. Pacey: Right. I'll get my shoes. [Scene: The Party. There is a large house that the party is being thrown at, with 50 or so people throughout it partying. Jen and Dawson arrive, and start looking around.] [All screaming, laughing] Jen: ooh. Look at that. There he is, our host. You know, on a good day, he'll ruin your chances of getting into the college of your choice, convince you he's the sausage king of Chicago, and wreck your father's car, but somehow, you'll end up thanking him. Dawson: Can I ask the inevitable question? Jen: Was he my boyfriend? No. Was he an indiscretion? Yes. Dawson: Ah. Jen: But to be quite honest, I'm not quite sure what he remembers. We were both chemically altered at the time. I don't think I need to go any further than that. [Cut to the Punch bowl. Drue is serving drinks, when Joey and Pacey come up to him.] Pacey: It's exciting. Can't get enough. Drue: Witter. I knew you couldn't resist a party. I see you've brought the prim reaper. Joey: We came for your immortal soul. That is, if you got one. Actually, I'd just like a drink. Drue: Mm-hmm. Here's one for you and for you. Pacey: Thanks. Oh, no, no, no. I don't think so. It is a proven fact that you, madam, cannot hold your alcohol. Joey: So let me get this straight. You can drink at parties and I can't? Pacey: Yes, because as you so rightly pointed out, I am a guy, and if I'm going to get in trouble for being a guy, I think I should at least get to act like one every once in a while... You know, with your advance permission and approval. Of course, I wouldn't, you know, do it without asking first. Joey: That's fine. Pacey: That's fine? Joey: Yeah. We'll both be guys tonight. Cheers. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Jen's Birthday Party. Jen finally comes up to confront Drue.] Jen: Drue. Drue: So, the guest of honor finally decides to honor me with her presence. Jen: Mmm. Unavoidable. Listen, I'm working on a little theory. This isn't your house, is it? Drue: [Gasps] I'm shocked. Here I welcome you and 65 of your closest friends into my home, and this is how you repay me, by, uh, accusing me of what exactly? Misrepresenting my place of residence? What could I possibly gain by such a tactic? Jen: Well, plausible deniability. I know what you're doing. See, if you throw a wild, raucous party at your own house, chances are you will get caught. But if you throw the same party at some stranger's summer house, there's nothing to link you to the scene of the crime, and voila-- plausible deniability. Drue: Hey, you know, that's a pretty sophisticated theory you got going on there. Jen: Well, I'm a pretty sophisticated kind of girl. Yeah. Oh, and I almost forgot the best part. The thing that really elevates this whole "happy birthday, Jen" thing from a mildly amusing runner to a potentially ingenious little plot twist. Drue: Uh, and that would be? Jen: Should the cops happen to show up and ask who's responsible for this mess, all the drunken masses are gonna remember is that it was Jen Lindley's birthday party. Drue: So it's just absolutely impossible that my intentions are pure, that all I wanted tonight was for you to have a good time. Jen: [Sighs] well, I wouldn't say that it's absolutely impossible, but I'd put the chances somewhere around 3%. Drue: [Laughs] you know what? I have a theory about your theory. I think the first half is right. I think this isn't my house. Because maybe my house isn't the type of house that would impress anyone in this town, least of all, you. Maybe my house isn't even a house. Jen: And what's this, some sort of riddle? Drue: Mmm. The party calls. See you later, birthday girl. [Cut to Dawson and Joey sitting in the party talking to one another. Joey is really starting to get drunk.] Dawson: So, uh, number 4 with a bullet, huh? Joey: How do you know that, Dawson? Dawson: Kenny Reiling and friends have already established a betting pool. Joey: [Sighs] kind of pathetic, isn't it? I mean, 12 years of being a total control freak about school, practically giving myself an ulcer hunting snails and building balsa wood bridges for extra credit, and where does that get me? Fourth. Dawson: Joey, fourth is amazing. I mean, the race isn't even over yet. That what you're doing tonight? Celebrating? Joey: [Laughs] yeah. The future. Whoopee! Dawson: Joey, everything's working out exactly the way you always wanted. Between your grades and your sat scores, you can go anywhere. Joey: Not you, too, Dawson. I mean, can't 2 people sit down and make small talk without the subject of college coming up? I mean, isn't that possible? I mean, what's next? Are you gonna ask me, uh, where I see myself in 5 years? Dawson: I don't have to. Aren't you the same girl who wanted to be an anthropologist or an oceanographer? Joey: [Laughs] yeah. Dawson, do you have any idea how much money anthropologists make? And besides, I was just saying that to get your goat. I mean, your buttons are so easy to push. Well, were so easy. Dawson: So you never really had any desire to do great and heroic things with your life? See faraway places, uncover lost civilizations. When it comes right down to it, you'd be just as happy hanging around here in Capeside? Joey: I didn't say that. Don't put words in my mouth. Dawson: I'm just trying to figure out why someone who's about to reap the benefits of something she's worked for her entire life, she's trying to drown herself in some 80-proof fruit punch. Joey: Look, don't do this, Dawson. Dawson: Ok. Cheers. [Cut to Drue sitting at a table getting ready to play some cards, when Pacey comes walking up looking around for Joey.] Drue: Ok, that looks good. Poker time, gentlemen. Who's playing? Hey, how about you, Witter? You up for a little game of cards, or, uh, you have to ask permission from the old ball and chain? Pacey: Yeah, I'd be happy to just find the old ball and chain right now. Drue: Uh, yeah, I think I saw her talking to Dawson. Oh, no, wait. That's wrong. She took a walk with the birthday girl, which is why you should stay here and play cards with us. So, what do you say? 5-card draw. You in or out? Pacey: Well, it's your money. [Cut to the outside docks. Joey and Jen are walking on them and come to a stop at the end.] Jen: All right, Joey. I think that we've walked far enough. Now, what did you need to tell me? Is here good? Joey: Yes, here is good. Good, because I... Would like to make a toast. All the love and happiness in the world to my friend, Jen Lindley, on her birthday. Jen: Well, thank you very much, Joey, but, um... You do know it's--it's really not my birthday. Joey: That's all right. [Laughs] I mean, we're not really friends. [Both laugh] I'm just kidding. I'm kidding, I'm--I'm kidding. We are. I think we are. Do you think we are? I can't really even pinpoint exactly when we became friends-- Jen: you know what, Joey? Let's not delve too far into it, 'cause then we'll just remember why we're supposed to hate each other. Joey: I don't hate you. Jen: Oh Joey: I love you. Jen: [Laughs] I know Joey: I do. Jen: No, Joey, Joey, you love everybody tonight. Joey, let me ask you something. Mmm? Do you think that you can summon up enough brain power to answer one little question? Joey: Is it about our future? Jen: No. No, it's purely about the present. Joey: Shoot. Jen: Do you happen to know where Drue lives? Joey: Ding, ding, ding. I do know the answer to that one. Drue lives in an apartment at the yacht club with his mother. Jen: Ok, and what--what about his father? Joey: Taos, new Mexico, I think. I guess he ran off with some new age chippie. Nice, huh? Left them high and dry. [Cut to Jack and Andie inside sitting on a couch talking to each other.] Jack: "You, too, can get into the college of your choice." Please tell me that's a private joke between the two of you. Andie: It's not a joke. It's a very helpful book. Jack: Maybe so, but as a birthday present or an un-birthday present, it pretty much sucks. Andie: Ok, what's your problem? Jack: My problem is that... Not everyone wants to spend every waking moment of life thinking about college, and some of us want to actually enjoy the remainder of our senior year, Andie. Andie: And I don't? Jack: No, you don't, 'cause ever since you finished your applications, all you've been doing is getting on my case about mine, Andie. Look, don't get me wrong, ok? I'm--I'm happy for you. I'm glad that everything's going so well, and you've got everything... Under control... But I don't need you to control my life... And you certainly don't need to branch out into Jen's. Andie: Oh, so you want me to just stand there and watch as you back yourself into a corner and totally ruin your entire future? Jack: Andie, it is not my future that I'm concerned about at the moment, it's the present. Look, 24 hours ago, my senior year officially began to suck. The only thing I was looking forward to this year, the only reason I fit into this damn high school was 'cause of football. I don't even have that anymore. So can we please just forget about the future for now? Just for tonight? Ok? [Cut to Joey and Jen. Andie comes up to join them.] Andie: Oh, there you guys are. I've been looking all over for you. Joey: Well, except here, 'cause if you would have looked here, you would have found us, 'cause this, Andie, is where we are. Jen: [Whispering] ignore her. So, where's jack? Andie: He's avoiding me. Am I too controlling? Both: Yes. Andie: Thanks for the vote of confidence. Joey: Andie, it's not a judgment. Some people like salad dressing on the salad, and some people like it on the side. Andie: Ok. Well, you know, it's just I want everyone that I know to be able to live up to his or her potential. Joey: Well, I have great potential as a waitress. Jen: [Laughs] that's great, Joey. What do you say that we get out of here, all right? I've got somebody that I owe an apology to. Joey: No, no, no. Stay here. Before anyone leaves this spot, we have a very important question to answer. Where do we really see ourselves in 5 years? And not the version that you answer to your college advisor. Come on. Jen: All right. Um, I plan to be starting work on my master's thesis, "are men necessary?" [All laugh] Andie: and I guess I'll be in P.R. 'Cause I mean, that's all I've really ever been good at in life is painting a happy face on disaster. Jen: Andie. Andie: Well, you know. Think about it. [Laughs] ok, you're up. Joey: Um... You tell me. Jen: All right, all right. That's an easy one. Um, you will have graduated from a ridiculously expensive ivy league school, moved to New York, where you will have taken a job in a funky soho art gallery where your starting salary is actually less than a year's tuition. Joey: [Laughs] now, why New York? Jen: Because New York is finishing school for cynics like us. Joey: I'm not a cynic. Jen: [Laughs] ok, you're not exactly sunshine personified, Joey. Joey: [Laughs] Andie: Ok, ok, you guys, come on. Joey: Right here, right now, let's make a deal. In 5 years, we'll get back together, and we'll see if any of these predictions actually came true. Jen: Deal. Andie: Deal. Jen: Ok. Shall we? Joey: We shall. Oh, wait. You guys, how are we gonna remember the date? It's not really Jen's birthday. Jen: I'll remember. Joey: Do you promise? [Cut to inside the party. Jack and Dawson are walking talking to one another.] Jack: So, you think we're the only 2 people not having fun at this thing? Dawson: It's hard to tell. Everybody else could be having fun, or they could just be imitating the fun they've seen people have in movies. [A guy walks past them, and slips knocking over a huge pile of cans. The two guys behind the pile who were building jump up and chase the first one past Jack and Dawson.] Jack: [Laughs] yeah. Dawson: Should we, uh Jack: no, they're guards. They're slow as hell. They'll never catch him. Dawson: I forget you actually know these people. Jack: Yeah, well, it's all part of being on a team, I guess, or sitting on the sidelines as it may be. Right. I don't know. You know, it's funny. You think something's making your life a living hell, and then when it's gone, It's... You really miss it. [Looks over and sees Joey.]But then again, I guess you probably know that feeling. Dawson: [Laughs] yeah. Yeah. [Cut to the Poker Table. Drue, Pacey, a woman and several others are playing. The woman begins to take off her top because she lost the hand, when Joey comes up to them. ] Drue: Excellent. I love this girl. It's like she's trying to lose. Joey: Strip poker. I leave you alone for 2 seconds, and you end up playing strip poker? Pacey: Originally this was just poker-poker, until I started kicking his ass. Then your friendly neighborhood co-worker decides to change the stakes on me, but I'm finished now, and, uh, we can just leave. Joey: Why leave? There's a half-naked chick in the room. Pacey: It's just a game. Up until now, nobody's taken off anything other than socks. Joey: So, it's just all good, clean fun? Pacey: Yeah, exactly. Just good, clean, American guy fun. Joey: Mmm. Deal me in. Pacey: Excuse me? Joey: You heard me. Now, what does a girl have to take off in order to play this game? Pacey: Ok, that's enough. [Claps] it's time for us to leave now, 'cause you see, you're drunk, you're bordering on disorderly, and you are definitely insane. So get up. Let's go. Shall we? Finished? Stand up. Let's go. Joey: You want me to stand up? Pacey: Yes, I'd like for you to stand up now. Joey: And why would I do that? Pacey: Because you are forcing me to make the ultimate guy maneuver. Joey: Pacey, uh, you can put me down now, Pacey. I'm fine. Pacey: Shh. Shh. Joey: I'm fine. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Inside after the party is over. Jen and Drue are sitting together next to a cake with lit candles.] Jen: I can't believe I'm saying this, but thank you. For the party. Turned out to not be so horrible. Drue: Well, thank you for coming. Uh, I hope I got the number of candles right. Jen: [Giggles] it'll do. So should I make my wish? Drue: No, first your present. I'd hate for you to squander it on something that may actually be in this box. Jen: [Sighs] listen. Drue, I'm sorry. About your parents. Joey told me. And... And I'm sorry I--I just assumed everything would be the same. That was stupid of me. Drue: It was. What are you waiting for? Open your present. Jen: All right. But you didn't have to do this. Drue: I know. I know I didn't have to. I wanted to. [Both giggle] Jen: what the hell is this? Drue: I think you know what it is. Jen: Ecstasy. Drue, I thought that I made my feelings perfectly clear on this subject. Drue: You did. Too clear. Which led me to suspect the lady was protesting too much. Jen: God! I am really an idiot. You haven't changed a bit. Drue: Oh, and you have? Please. Your hairstyle, maybe, but people don't change. Not that much. Jen: Yes, they do. They grow up, they accept responsibility. They realize that "die young and leave a good-looking corpse" is not all it's cracked up to be. I don't want your present, Drue. Drue: Fine. Jen: But since you've become such a paragon of responsibility, I guess it won't bother you if I just leave it right here. For safekeeping. [Scene: Jack's Room. Jack is there when Andie comes up to his room.] Andie: Hey. I just wanted to make sure that you got home ok. Jack: Yeah, I--I hitched a ride with my, uh, my one good arm. Andie: Oh. I thought maybe, uh, Dawson gave you a lift. Not that I care one way or the other. I'm not going to get too involved in your life or anything. Jack: You know, this is all your fault. Andie: I know. That's why I'm here apologizing. Jack: I'm not, uh, copying the apology part. Andie: I'm sorry. I really am. I'm sorry I haven't been more understanding about football. And I'm really sorry that I got all over your case on college. Jack: Keep going. Andie: You want me to abase myself further? Jack: basically, yeah. Andie: Ok, jack, you seem to think that I am, like, really obsessed with the future, and I'm not. I mean, really, I don't want it to get here any quicker than you do. Jack: Yeah, well, you have a funny way of showing it. Andie: Look, in less than a year, my life is going to be completely changed. I mean, everything is going to be different. I'm gonna live somewhere different, I'm gonna have different friends. I mean, everything is going to be different, and you know in times of uncertainty, I look for things that I can fix. Jack: You cant fix me, Andie. I mean, you gotta let me make my own mistakes in my own way in my own time. And it's not just for me. I mean, you gotta work on letting go of things you can't control. Andie: Like where you're gonna go to college. Jack: Or where I'm gonna go to college. Andie: Agreed. But do you realize that next year is gonna be the first year ever that we're not gonna be in the same school together? Jack: [Chuckles] hey. I tried to start kindergarten without you. Andie: What?! That is such a story that mom and dad told you. And besides, how could your version of the story possibly be true when everybody knows it's a fact that I, the more responsible one, am definitely the older sibling in this relationship. Jack: Heh! Andie: Yeah! [Scene: Outside the Potter B&B. Pacey has just driven Joey home, and is getting her out of the car.] Pacey: All right, you. Joey: I can't walk, Pacey. Pacey: Before, I had to drag you kicking and screaming, but now you wanna be carried? No. Joey: It's a woman's prerogative to change her mind. Pacey: Ah, but tonight you're one of the guys, remember? And guys walk. So come on, number 4. Out you get, watch your head. Joey: Uh... I don't really feel so good. Pacey: Well, guess what? You're gonna feel even worse tomorrow morning. And you still won't be any closer to getting into the ivy-covered institution of your choice. Joey: Pacey. I've been doing some thinking. Pacey: Yeah. Drunk thinking. Joey: Maybe... Maybe that's not what I really want. Maybe I just wanna stay here. You know, I mean-- I mean, look, it's--it's really beautiful here and... And I could just-- Pacey: just what? Stay here and work as a waitress all your life? Come on. I mean, forgive me if you're losing me here, Jo, but to be perfectly honest, you haven't made the slightest bit of sense all night, even before you were drunk-- Joey: I wanna be with you, Pacey. I wanna stay and be with you. Pacey: [Sighs] Hon, if you wanna be with me, then staying here would be a really stupid idea, considering I don't plan to be here. I plan to be wherever you are. Joey: Really? Pacey: Yes, really. Not that you deserve to hear such things right now. Joey: I know, I know. It was a very stupid thing to get drunk. Pacey: Yes, it was. I mean, let's face it here, Jo. You are destined for academic glory, and your boyfriend is circling the drain, which is a problem. In fact, that is a very big problem, but you couldn't possibly have thought that you could solve all of your problems in one night, with alcohol of all things. Joey: No. Pacey: No. Because alcohol, you know, it has that effect on problems. It just never solved them, ever. And I would hate to think that I fell in love with a moron. Joey: So you're in love with me, huh? Pacey: Well, not currently, no. Right now you're just some crazy drunk girl I gotta get in that door without waking up all the paying customers at her sister's b & b, but generally speaking...Yes. Joey: May I kiss you right now? Pacey: Yes, please. Mmm! Mmm-mmm-mmm! Mmm-mmm-mmm! But I'm still not carrying you. Joey: [Whispering] please. Pacey: Nope. [Laughs] you can give me the eyes, it's just not gonna work. Oh, come on, honestly, you don't [ ][mumbling] Jo, what, I look like I just fell off the turnip truck? You think I'm gonna fall for this? Jo... Halfway, that's it, I swear. I'm not kidding. My back's killing me here. Well, I guess since you're up here [Scene: The Lerery Fish House. Gretchen is cleaning up, when Dawson Enters the bar area.] Dawson: Oh. I'm sorry. I saw the lights on. I thought you were my mom. Gretchen: It's ok. She went home early. Dawson: Oh, so, uh... Congratulations on the job. Gretchen: Thanks. I feel like I owe you one. Dawson: Oh. Huh! Can I take a rain check? Gretchen: Oh, we're not gonna drink. But for every quarter that I bounce into that glass, you're gonna tell me one thing that's bothering you. Dawson: How do you know something's bothering me? Gretchen: Please. [Laughing] oh, there! See? Perfect. So spill. Dawson: All right. Earlier this evening-- ahem. My mother accused me of wanting to go to school in California so that I could run away from my problems. Gretchen: And you think she's right. Dawson: I don't know. I mean... Past few weeks, I've seen plenty of things that would make me wanna run screaming to the opposite coast. Gretchen: Like? [Quarter lands in glass] Dawson: don't make me answer this. Gretchen: Come on. This is much more therapeutic than drinking. Dawson: [Sighs] I've seen how much she loves him. I've seen it in her face. I've seen them hold hands, I've seen them kiss, and tonight, I saw them fight, which is something I've basically seen them do every day of my life since the first grade, but Gretchen: but not like this. Dawson: [Sighs] I think it was actually worse than the kissing. Gretchen: You know, Dawson, it might interest you to know that I did take one film class in college. Dawson: Was it a monumental waste of time? Gretchen: No. It was great, actually. But you know what my teacher said was the most bogus line in Hollywood cinema? Dawson: What? Gretchen: "There's no place like home." Dawson: The wizard of oz. Gretchen: Exactly. It's what everybody remembers about the movie, but it doesn't resonate with the rest of the story. Think about it. You know, home is this desolate, gray dust bowl of a place where some nasty old lady is trying to kill your dog. And oz is Dawson: Technicolor. Gretchen: And sure it has its problems. You know, poppy fields, flying monkeys-- Dawson: talking trees. Gretchen: But along the way, you make friends. Good friends. With people that you never even knew existed when you were growing up. Straw people, tin people Dawson: and lions. Gretchen: Exactly. And you help each other realize that all the things you wanna be you already are. And it's fun. Dawson: Well, if it's so much fun... Then what are you doing here? Gretchen: I don't recall you getting to ask any questions as part of our deal. Dawson: Well, what if I can bounce a quarter in that glass? Gretchen: Never happen. Dawson: You're not even gonna let me try? Gretchen: You can try, but you're just gonna have to use your own money, because I worked very hard to earn these quarters. Dawson: You're not gonna loan me one lousy quarter? Gretchen: No. Dawson: I don't think that's fair. Gretchen: [Laughs] well, that's too bad.

Everybody starts to think about their future, and their higher education options. Joey is concerned about Pacey not having grades good enough to get into college and gets drunk to forget her worries. Drue makes everybody think it is Jen's birthday so he can have a party to get to know more people. Andie takes over Jack's applications and drives him crazy with her obsessive behavior. Gretchen applies for a job as bartender at the Leery's restaurant and appears reluctant to admit her reason for not going back to college.

fd_Gilmore_Girls_05x04

fd_Gilmore_Girls_05x04_0

OPEN IN LORELAI'S KITCHEN [Lorelai sleepily walks in and discovers Luke busily cooking at her stove.] LUKE: Hey, you're up. LORELAI: Hey, you're cooking. LUKE: Yep, making the works. Even threw a couple blintzes in there to confuse you. LORELAI: Wow. Where did all this come from? LUKE: What? LORELAI: The food, the pans, the bowls, the spatula. LUKE: Food's from Doose's, pans and bowls, you had, and the spatula's mine. LORELAI: You travel with a spatula? [pulls coffee mug out of nearby cabinet] LUKE: Sometimes. LORELAI: You've actually found yourself in scraping and flipping situations without the trusty spatula before? LUKE: [Unfazed, he continues stirring food in the pan.] Your coffee should be ready in a minute. LORELAI: [too bright smile] Smells good. Hey, Luke? LUKE: Yep? LORELAI: You cooking this is so sweet - . LUKE: [steels himself and rolls his eyes] But? LORELAI: I just figured, you know, we'd go to Luke's for breakfast. LUKE: Why? LORELAI: Because I like Luke's breakfast. LUKE: I am Luke. LORELAI: I know LUKE: This is the same stuff I make at the diner. LORELAI: I know. LUKE: So what's the difference? LORELAI: Well, the difference is, while you are Luke, we're not at Luke's. LUKE: So? LORELAI: Well, I have my things, you know? I have certain things. And one of my things is going to Luke's. And just because I now have "Dating Luke" doesn't mean I want to lose my "Cooking Luke." LUKE: But I am cooking, and I am Luke. LORELAI: Look, it's like Tommy Lee having a Starbucks at his house. LUKE: [lost, but resumes cooking] What? LORELAI: On the surface, it sounds great. But half the reason you go to a Starbucks is to go to a Starbucks, you know, to go out and see the people. LUKE: Tommy Lee has a Starbucks in his house? LORELAI: "Cribs," baby. Watch it. LUKE: Like a whole Starbucks with workers and everything? LORELAI: The point is that, while some things have changed -- and that's great -- I don't want everything to change completely. [ Telephone ringing nearby ] LUKE: [resigned] Okay. I'll see you at Luke's. [Luke turns off stove and begins cleaning up as Lorelai celebrates] LORELAI: Ah, I'll see you at Luke's! [picks up phone] Hello? CUT TO RORY'S DORM ROOM AT YALE [Rory scrambling around searching while talking on her phone. Scene switches between Yale and Lorelai's kitchen] RORY: "Cultural Disenfranchisement with Women's Role Models" -- do you have it? LORELAI: Oh, God, I hope not. RORY: It's the book for the class I'm officially late to. LORELAI: Oh. [Lorelai begins searching around the kitchen as Luke continues to clear table - putting cooked food in plastic storage containers then into a sack to bring to "Luke's".] LUKE: What are you looking for? LORELAI: A big, boring book. RORY: Who is that? LORELAI: It's Luke? LUKE: Who's that? LORELAI: It's Rory. RORY: Luke. It's pretty early in the morning for Luke to be there. Unless, perhaps, he woke up there. LORELAI: Well, he did. LUKE: "He did" what? Are you talking about me? RORY: Man, that's weird. LORELAI: What's weird? LUKE: Who's weird? I'm weird? RORY: The thought of Luke running around naked in my kitchen. It's weird. LORELAI: Luke is not running around naked in your kitchen. He is sitting at the table, and, yes, he is naked. LUKE: [cringes] Don't do that. Don't tell her I'm naked. I'm not naked. [calls out] I'm not naked! RORY: [teasing] He sounds naked. LORELAI: Well, the chairs are cold. RORY: Huh? LORELAI: He actually tried to make me breakfast. RORY: Really? LORELAI: Yeah, naked. LUKE: [drops what he's doing and starts to leave] Okay, that's it, I'm gone. LORELAI: Oh, no, no, no. Sorry, don't, no. Rory, Luke is fully dressed. He never came in the house. He just stood outside all night playing "In Your Eyes" on a boom box. [Luke gapes and stares at the ceiling] RORY: I have to go. If you find the book, bring it to Friday-night dinner, okay? Go back to your dirtiness. [grabs her keys and exits] [Luke grins as Lorelai takes the paper sack from him.] CUT TO YALE - RORY AND PARIS' DORM ROOM [Rory enters as Paris watches movers leave a large wooden structure which dominates the main room. As they leave Paris calls after them.] PARIS: Thanks a lot. I photographed it before you moved it, so if there's any damage, you'll be hearing from my lawyer. [to Rory] Hi. RORY: Hi. Introduce me to your friend. PARIS: This is a Blou printing press, 18th century. RORY: And it's here because? PARIS: It's Asher's. He left it to me. It's beautiful, don't you think? RORY: Yeah. Think it goes great with the entire width of the room. PARIS: I know it's a little cumbersome, but we don't have to leave it right here. We could move it about six inches in any direction. RORY: Paris, we can't just leave it here. PARIS: I have nowhere else to put it. RORY: But - PARIS: You have to think of the benefits of having it here. RORY: Like? PARIS: No one else will have one, which means it's unique, which makes us unique. Kids our age do crazy things to make themselves unique -- piercings, blue hair, Kabbalah. It will be a great conversation piece. We'll be the talk of Branford. RORY: I believe we will. PARIS: We can print our own newsletter, if you'd like. RORY: [dryly] "The Eccentric Gazette". I love it. PARIS: It's from Asher. Just try it for a while. I promise if it gets in the way, we'll get rid of it. [Rory looks down and begins struggling to pull on a trapped object] RORY: Paris, it's on my book bag. I'm late for class, and you put a printing press on my book bag? [Rory unzips the bag and removes her books, stacking them in her arms] PARIS: Well, sorry. It's from my dead boyfriend, okay? I apologize if my grief is inconveniencing you. Maybe I'll just put myself on an iceberg and float myself out to sea so that no one will have to deal with my suffering. RORY: Well, just get that thing off my bag before you go. CUT TO DRAGONFLY INN - LIBRARY - STREWN WITH STACKS OF BOOKS AND CARDBOARD BOXES] [Michel enters, speaking on phone as Lorelai stocks shelves with books] MICHEL: [speaking on cordless phone] This is outrageous, and he will call me back and it had better be in a timely manner, or I will come down there and introduce myself, and, oh, the fun we'll have. Tst! [clicks off the phone and tosses it on the nearby chair] I hate this chair! LORELAI: What's the matter honey - Justin and Cameron having trouble again? MICHEL: I just got off the phone with the very promising young man working as Taylor's assistant to try and talk to the man about this. [hold out official looking papers] LORELAI: [approaches and take the papers] No, no. He rejected it again? MICHEL: I believe that is what the bright red letters say. LORELAI: We only need two lousy parking spaces. What is his problem? MICHEL: Oh, the list is long. LORELAI: This is the third time, Michel. MICHEL: I know. LORELAI: This is the third time that "Bus-and-Truck-Tour Mussolini" has rejected our permit. MICHEL: [dejected] And I was there for every show. LORELAI: What is rejection code "M"? [Michel takes the papers and checks the reverse side] MICHEL: "Applicant's name does not match name listed on articles of incorporation." LORELAI: Ohh! Is he serious?! MICHEL: Apparently you did not put your middle name on this application. However, you did put your middle name on the articles of incorporation. So the names don't match, and Taylor has no idea who you are. LORELAI: Oh, I'm the person whose foot is going to prevent him from sitting down. That's who I am. MICHEL: You always promise to hurt him, but then you don't. You're a Taylor tease. LORELAI: I'm getting coffee. MICHEL: [grunts] CUT TO DRAGONFLY KITCHEN [Lorelai enters and makes a bee-line to the coffee machine. Sookie, Jackson and several kitchen staff crowd around a box of tomatoes. Jackson slices one of the red fruit.] SOOKIE: Ah, perfect timing! [waves her over] LORELAI: Oh, Sookie, I really need some coffee. SOOKIE: First this. LORELAI: But it's right over there, and -- okay, what am I looking at? SOOKIE: Jackson's tomatoes. JACKSON: [ceremoniously passes the cutting board for everyone to take a slice] Here we go. SOOKIE: Mmm. [Lorelai tries to slip away] Where are you going? LORELAI: I was just gonna get a little -- SOOKIE: [hands Lorelai a big slice] Eat this. [Lorelai sighs and hurriedly takes a big bite] Isn't that the greatest tomato you've ever eaten? LORELAI: It's good. JACKSON: Good? LORELAI: It's great. JACKSON: Great? LORELAI: All I wanted was a cup of coffee. [Sookie instantly hands her a steaming cup] Oh, thank you. Sorry, Jackson. This is one rocking tomato. JACKSON: This is the first batch grown in my brand-new hydroponic greenhouse. SOOKIE: Jackson designed it himself. JACKSON: Built most of it myself, too. SOOKIE: You know what this means. JACKSON: The best tomatoes on the East coast, and in October. SOOKIE: Huh! October! LORELAI: Heh - It sure ain't November. JACKSON: This means year-round vegetables. SOOKIE: I am never gonna be a slave to Mother Nature again. If I wanna make it... JACKSON: Then I'm gonna grow it. LORELAI: [looks at them both] Aw, you two really found each other, didn't you? JACKSON: [sexy voice to Sookie] Do you want another piece of tomato? SOOKIE: Do I? [Lorelai walks off] JACKSON: [ Chuckling as he offers her another slice ] SOOKIE: [ Giggles as she takes a bite ] Boys, leave us, please. [ Giggles ] [The kitchen staff immediately disperse] CUT TO YALE - RORY AND PARIS' DORM ROOM - EVENING [ Knock on door. Rory crosses room as Paris mutters to herself while polishing part of the ancient printing press ] PARIS: Ben Franklin was out of his mind. [Rory opens the door to reveal Dean standing there] DEAN: Hey. RORY: Hey. [they kiss as Paris glances over with curiosity] So, come on in. Dean, you remember Paris. DEAN: Yes, I do. Uh, how you doing, Paris? PARIS: I'm fine. DEAN: What's that? RORY: Uh, that's a printing press. Haven't you heard? Tats are out, movable type is in. DEAN: I've heard that. RORY: So, my room's in there. DEAN: Nice to see you again, Paris. PARIS: Right back at you. [Dean wanders back to Rory's room and shuts the door. Paris stops Rory.] PARIS: You're back with Farmer Boy? What gives? RORY: Paris -- PARIS: I thought he was married. RORY: He was -- now he's not. PARIS: Well, well -- Hoss returns. Who would've thunk? RORY: I'm going in my room now. PARIS: Just hold on. We have to figure this out. RORY: Figure what out? PARIS: You're going to be bringing boys home now. We need a system. RORY: I'm not bringing "boys" home. I'm bringing "boy" home. That boy - that's it. PARIS: I assume you're having s*x. RORY: [uncomfortable] Paris! PARIS: You're having s*x. Well, luckily, I just bought some noise-reducing headphones, so that'll help. RORY: Oh boy. PARIS: If I put the headphones on, then stuff towels under the door, that should do the trick. RORY: Hey, if you've got extra towels to stuff, I got a location suggestion. PARIS: How loud are you? RORY: Paris, stop. PARIS: Look, I don't care. I just need the information to formulate a good plan. I mean, you look all small and squeaky, but sometimes, it's exactly the bunny-looking girls who can blow the roof off the barn. I know, just give me a three-minute warning. RORY: I'm walking away now. PARIS: That way, I have time to put everything in place. Put headphones on, et cetera. RORY: Bye [backs away] PARIS: Is he gonna be coming over a lot? Probably, right? He's at his peak now, and it's probably one of the only things he's good at so... RORY: Three-minute warning! PARIS: Right. [quickly exits] CUT TO STARS HOLLOW - DOOSE'S MARKET [Lane, Zach walk through the aisles with grocery cart loading it with items. Brian follows with a pad of paper writing busily.] LANE: Bread. BRIAN: That's $1.10, so we're at $17.33. ZACH: And jam. LANE: Generic. ZACH: Yes, Mom. BRIAN: $1.40, so we're at $18.73. ZACH: Yo, John Nash, enough with the numbers. BRIAN: I'm just keeping track so we don't go over. ZACH: It's too much pressure. I can't think. BRIAN: If we use coupons, it would stretch our money. ZACH: Dude, the only thing more un-rock 'n' roll than coupons is that shirt you're wearing. BRIAN: I've asked you about this shirt. You never said anything. ZACH: We're not using coupons. [Zach opens refrigerated case and stocks up on canned beer] LANE: Get enough brewskis there, buddy? ZACH: Don't worry, I'm using my own money for this. LANE: Okay, just... ZACH: Just what? LANE: I'm not sure why you need all that beer, that's all. ZACH: We've got gigs coming up, and I've kinda learned through experience that if you say to people, "Hey, wanna come back for some beers?" And you don't have beer, they get pissed and leave. LANE: People? ZACH: Right. LANE: Meaning "girls." ZACH: I would prefer it be girls. LANE: [sarcasm] Good. Well then, stock up, then, Hef. Get some extra for Jimmy Caan. [Jackson appears and attempts to move pass through them] JACKSON: Hey, guys. How you doing? LANE: [irritated] Great. Hope you're not here for beer. I think we're buying it all up. JACKSON: I'm just here for diapers. [exits] LANE: [to Zach] Any of your girlfriends need diapers? ZACH: What is your problem? [exits with the cart] LANE: Problem? No problem. [Still irritated, she opens the case again and grabs carton and follows.] Milk. BRIAN: Lane, that was a real brand. [follows] CUT TO DOOSE'S CHECKOUT LINE [Taylor, the cashier counts back change to a man with child, a woman, Maggie, stands behind him in line, Jackson stands behind her. ] TAYLOR: That makes $27, $28, $29, $30, and $10 makes $40. And here -- here, take a balloon for the little miss. Election's on Tuesday. [Man and child exit with the balloon] Morning, Maggie. How's the family? MAGGIE: A pain in my rear. Don't say I said that. TAYLOR: Morning, Jackson. [as he continues to unload and ring up woman's groceries] JACKSON: Hi, Taylor. MAGGIE: Hey, are these the best you got? TAYLOR: Unfortunately, October's a terrible time for tomatoes. MAGGIE: I guess I could always go with canned. I hate canned. JACKSON: Hey, if you're needing more, Taylor, I got a nice crop of tomatoes. We could work something out. TAYLOR: Well, that's nice of you to offer. You're growing them in that big new greenhouse, right? JACKSON: [proudly] Built it with my own two hands. MAGGIE: That's very industrious. TAYLOR: Too bad about what's happening with all that. JACKSON: Yeah... err, What? TAYLOR: Nice cukes, though. MAGGIE: Beautiful cukes. TAYLOR: I love cukes in a tricolore salad -- adds a nice crunch. JACKSON: Uh, "too bad about all" what, Taylor? TAYLOR: Oh, you know -- the greenhouse. JACKSON: The greenhouse? What about the greenhouse? MAGGIE: Wait -- aren't the cukes three for $1? TAYLOR: They're two for $1. MAGGIE: It said three. TAYLOR: Barry, I need a price check on cucumbers. JACKSON: Taylor? TAYLOR: Jackson, please. This is not the proper forum to discuss the problem with your greenhouse. JACKSON: What problem?! TAYLOR: Barry, if you hear me, yell "10-4." JACKSON: I'll check the price on the stupid cucumbers! Just tell me what's up with the greenhouse! TAYLOR: Jackson, this is my place of business. The unpleasantness with your structure will all be settled at the next town meeting. I'm not hearing a "10-4," Barry. JACKSON: I can't go to the town meeting. I'm watching the baby. TAYLOR: Oh, I'd get a babysitter if I was you. BARRY: [OS]10-4. JACKSON: You were out smoking again, weren't you, Barry? BARRY: [OS] No. JACKSON: Don't lie. I'll smell your breath. BARRY: [OS] 10-4. JACKSON: I don't like the tone of that "10-4." [Frustrated, Jackson leaves without the diapers] CUT TO RORY'S DORM BEDROOM AND LANE'S APARTMENT BEDROOM [Scene switches between the two locations.] LANE: I usually like grocery shopping. This stripped it of all enjoyment. RORY: I thought you hated grocery shopping with the guys. You always bicker. LANE: But that's fun bickering. That's bickering we'll look back on in 20 years, slap each other on the backs and say, "wha-ho, good times." RORY: So you'll be Dickens characters in 20 years? LANE: You know what I mean. I know -- I have no right to be bothered by Zach luring women back to the apartment with cheap beer, because I haven't told him I like him. I mean, if I had told him I like him and he was doing that, he'd be a creep of the first order. As it is, he's just exhibiting basic guy behavior -- grunt, grunt, caveman stuff, which, to be honest, is a bit of the appeal of Zach. RORY: So why don't you tell him? LANE: There's a danger here. RORY: The roommate thing. LANE: The band thing. Need I mention the rock 'n' roll casualties from intraband dating? RORY: I know they're numerous. LANE: Not that there's not success stories. I mean, you've got your Cramps, your Yo La Tengo, your Kim and Thurstons. RORY: Sonny and Cher, the Early Years. LANE: Plus, you've got bands that have survived breakups - No Doubt. RORY: Wish they hadn't. LANE: X, Supertramp, The White Stripes. But in the negative, you have - RORY: Sonny and Cher, the Later Years. LANE: Jefferson Airplane, Fleetwood Mac. I know of two country music stars whose backup singers shot them in the groin. RORY: Whoa. That's wicked hate. [Paris bursts in Rory's room] PARIS: My batteries are dead. RORY: Hold on, Lane. [to Paris] Your batteries? PARIS: For my headphones. When's Dean getting here? RORY: Calm down Paris. We're just gonna watch a movie, and you're welcome to join us. PARIS: Please. You're 19. Unless it's "Shoah," you two are getting carnal. [storms off] RORY: [to Lane on the phone] Sorry. You were saying? LANE: You've got the data. Now I need insight. RORY: I think you should just tell him. This is not going away, so find the right moment, and see what he says. Don't mention that intraband dating stuff. Just follow your heart. LANE: Heart. Ho, the girls in Heart really screwed things up big-time. [ Call waiting beeps ] RORY: Hang on. [click] Hello? CUT TO DOOSE'S MARKET [Dean, wearing an apron, is stocking produce. Scene switches back and forth between him and Rory.] DEAN: Hey, it's me. RORY: Oh, hey. You about on your way? DEAN: Unfortunately, no. I have no way to get there. RORY: Oh, what happened to your car? DEAN: Uh, nothing. It's just, um... Lindsay needed it. RORY: Oh, right. DEAN: I don't know what for. She just needed it for some reason, and we're still kind of sharing it. RORY: Right. Drag. DEAN: I'll look to see if there's a bus or something. RORY: That could take hours. DEAN: Yeah. You want to come here? RORY: To Stars Hollow? How? DEAN: Drive. You got your car. RORY: Oh, yeah, I do. Yeah, no, of course. Um, I have a car, and I'll drive to you. DEAN: Good. I mean, if you want to. RORY: Definitely. Yeah, and now Paris doesn't have to go get batteries. DEAN: What? RORY: Nothing. I'll see you in about an hour? DEAN: My place? RORY: See you there. DEAN: Bye. RORY: [clicks call waiting back to Lane] Sorry. LANE: That's okay. Listen, I'm going to play two Rilo Kiley songs -- one pre-Jenny/Blake breakup, one post. Tell me if you hear a quality difference. [Hold up her phone to the boom box speaker] CUT TO STARS HOLLOW TOWN MEETING [Taylor is standing on stage behind the podium deep into his lecture to the stunned townspeople] TAYLOR: The ferocity of attack is not affected by whether they're in the larval or nymphal life stage or whether they're of the one-, two-, or three-host variety. MISS PATTY: Oh, I hate this, Taylor. Every year. BABETTE: Yeah, we get it -- ticks are bad. TAYLOR: Maybe people who are new to our town -- thus, new to the town meeting -- don't know the hazards of the common tick. GYPSY: [stands] Ticks are bad! Moving on! [sits] TAYLOR: Don't hate the tick messenger. Hate the tick. Now, to continue... [Taylor continues to lecture as Lorelai quietly speaks to Sookie] LORELAI: He's ruined the word "nymphal" for me forever. JACKSON: 4 bucks an hour to a babysitter for a tick lecture? SOOKIE: Don't worry, honey. He'll get to us. JACKSON: [under his breath] Waste of time. TAYLOR: That's when a tick clamps onto his host, plunges his hypostome into the skin, and feasts on his next blood meal. [The audience groans ] MISS PATTY: You take too much delight in this, Taylor. KIRK: [riveted] Go on, Taylor. He's sucking out the blood... TAYLOR: They feed for extensive periods, and at large volumes, up to 500 times their body weight. This would be the equivalent of a 150-pound man drinking 9,000 gallons of human blood. [The crowd groans again as Kirk nods with grave interest.] BABETTE: Taylor, please! We get it! MISS PATTY: Let's just vote on whatever it is you want us to vote on. ANDREW: Before I hurl. JACKSON: Yeah! TAYLOR: Fine. The question before us is, shall the town incur the expense of posting signs urging residents to tuck their pants into their socks during tick season? In favor? [three people raise their hands] Opposed? [the remaining room raises their hands] The measure is defeated by an irresponsible, devil-may-care majority. Now we move on to the next item -- the matter of the town Stars Hollow vs. Land parcel 11423-A. Is the parcel holder present? JACKSON: [stands] If that's me, I'm here. TAYLOR: The parcel holder is present. Now, said parcel is cited as being in violation of section 423, subsection 4c, subsection 32-b, formerly known as section 424, subsection -- JACKSON: Enough! LORELAI: Yeah, this is more painful than ticks! TAYLOR: So, the parcel holder requests the reading of the citation be waived? JACKSON: Waive it. Waive it. Just tell me what the hell is wrong with my greenhouse. TAYLOR: It's built too close to the edge of your property. JACKSON: It's miles away from the edge of my property. TAYLOR: It's 9 1/2 feet from the edge of your property. JACKSON: Exactly. TAYLOR: According to town codes, no new structure can come within 10 feet of the edge of your property. JACKSON: [scoffs] Oh, that's a technicality. TAYLOR: No, that's the law. And as town selectman, it's up to me to see that you abide by it. JACKSON: Unbelievable! TAYLOR: There's a simple solution, if you want to hear it. JACKSON: I do, yes. TAYLOR: Just move it over six inches. JACKSON: Oh, well, you should have just said that before. TAYLOR: Perhaps I should have. JACKSON: Just move the greenhouse over six inches? TAYLOR: That's right JACKSON: Good thing I built it on wheels so I could just scooch it over. TAYLOR: Oh, it's on wheels? JACKSON: No, it's not on wheels! TAYLOR: Because wheels would have been handy. JACKSON: I would have to tear it down to move it over six inches, Taylor! TAYLOR: Hmmm. Too bad you didn't check with me before you built it. Could have saved you some heartache. JACKSON: [sputtering] Up -- ah -- ah -- SOOKIE: Okay, that's not English, hon. LORELAI: Come on, Taylor. This is ridiculous. TAYLOR: This issue is not open for debate. LORELAI: This is a nice man who is growing some very nice tomatoes, and you just need to oil your knees and go see the wizard and get a heart and drop this! TAYLOR: What is this, Lorelai -- lingering resentment over the parking space issue? LORELAI: Well come on, you rejected it because I left out my middle name. How many other Lorelai Gilmores do you know? TAYLOR: Well, there's your daughter. LORELAI: Okay. So you know two. Bet you can't name a third, unless you knew my grandma. TAYLOR: I think it's about time to adjourn this meeting. JACKSON: Oh, we're not done with this, Taylor! TAYLOR: I think we are. JACKSON: Don't bang that gavel! TAYLOR: Your issue is not with me. I am merely the humble vessel for the municipal code. JACKSON: Maybe it's time for a different vessel. LORELAI: Where's he going with this? SOOKIE: Not sure. TAYLOR: A different vessel? JACKSON: That's right. A different vessel. I'm running. TAYLOR: For what? JACKSON: For whatever it is you are. What are you again? TAYLOR: Town Selectman. JACKSON: I'm running for town selectman. MISS PATTY: Nobody ever runs against Taylor. GYPSY: He's our Papa Doc. SOOKIE: Hon, shouldn't we maybe talk about this? TAYLOR: Well, I accept the challenge. And I look forward to a lively race. Competition is the whetstone that sharpens the blade of democracy. Meeting adjourned. LORELAI: Whatever you need, friend, I'm with you. JACKSON: I need your vote. LORLELAI: You got it. [the crowd all stands and move to exit. Jackson hakes hands with a passing man.] JACKSON: Jackson Belleville, running for selectman. I need your vote. [turns and shakes hands with Andrew] Jackson Belleville -- that's with four "L's". ANDREW: I know. We went to high school together. JACKSON: I still need your vote! [they walk off as Lorelai and Sookie chat as they walk to the exit] LORELAI: We're gonna need buttons and balloons and a slogan. How about something like -- I don't know -- "Taylor sucks like a tick"? [Sookie cringes] Don't worry. First blurb. We'll work it out. CUT TO FORESTER RESIDENCE - EVENING [Rory walks up to the door and rings the bell. Dean opens the door.] RORY: Hey. DEAN: Wow. You made good time. RORY: No traffic. DEAN: Come on in. CUT TO INTERIOR OF DEAN'S PARENT'S HOME - ENTRYWAY RORY: Your mom got a new plant. DEAN: Yeah. [view of living room reveals Dean's sister sitting on the sofa] CLARA: Rory! [leaps to her feet and hugs Rory] RORY: Oh, hi, Clara. CLARA: I'm so glad you're back. I never liked Lindsay. DEAN: Clara! CLARA: I wouldn't say that to Lindsay. DEAN: [shoos his sister] Go. [Dean's mother enters from other room] MAY: Dean! Was someone at the door? Rory! RORY: Oh, hi, May. How you doing? MAY: [forced politeness] Oh, fine. Can't complain. RORY: Good. MAY: [stiffly] Dean's father's in the basement. He says hello. RORY: Oh, hello back. [uncomfortable pause] I like the...ficus. MAY: Thank you. We're done with dinner. But if you're hungry, I could scrounge up something to zap. RORY: I'm fine, thank you. DEAN: We're gonna go upstairs. MAY: All right. RORY: Bye. MAY: Bye. CUT TO DEAN'S BEDROOM [Rory and Dean enter] RORY: It's your old room. DEAN: In all its glory. [Rory wanders around and sees old and new objects in his room] RORY: [teasing] Taking up dressmaking? DEAN: [teases back]Yeah, I am. RORY: [plays with a toy car] Vroom. DEAN: I thought they'd gotten rid of all that stuff by now. [They come together in an embrace and prepare to kiss. Avril Lavigne blasts from other side of his wall. Dean pounds on the wall with his fist.] CLARA: [OS] What?! DEAN: It's too loud. CLARA: No, it isn't. DEAN: Turn it down or I'm gonna come over and do it myself. [ Volume decreases ] RORY: You should really get her some Ramones. DEAN: Hey, um... I'm sorry about my mom. This whole thing's been kind of a surprise to my parents. I mean, Dad's hardly left the basement. RORY: That's okay. It's gonna take time for everybody. [Music volume increases and Dean, again, pounds on the wall] CLARA: [OS] What?! DEAN: Turn it back down! [Volume decreases. Dean chuckles.] The college student and the divorc e. RORY: We'd make a good adult film. [Dean caresses her hair and move closer to kiss then: Knock on door ] MAY: [OS through closed door] Dean? DEAN: [calls back] What, Mom? MAY: [OS] Just wondering how late Rory's gonna be here. DEAN: I - uh, don't know exactly. MAY: Because I want to set the alarm before Dad and I go to bed. If the front door opens, it'll set it off. DEAN: Uh, I'll turn it on when she leaves, Mom. MAY: Okay. It's just that that will make the alarm panel in the bedroom chirp. That wakes us. DEAN: Well, Clara's stereo is gonna keep you awake anyways, Mom. CLARA: [OS] I turned it down. MAY: Just as long as Rory doesn't stay too late, okay, Dean? DEAN: Okay, Mom. MAY: Okay. [after a pause, Dean's door opens a few inches and we hear footsteps fade away] DEAN: [ Scoffs ] We could go to a movie. RORY: I'd love that, but it's, like, 8:30 already. I have classes. DEAN: Right. And you're not hungry? RORY: Not really. DEAN: Want to watch TV? RORY: Sure. [Rory settles on the floor, as Dean walks over to the TV and flips it on, closing his door before also settling on the floor opposite Rory. Indistinct voices on TV but no picture.] DEAN: [ Sighs ] It takes a few minutes to warm up. RORY: Oh, no problem. [SCENE_BREAK] CUT TO LUKE'S DINER - THE NEXT MORNING [Sookie walks around the diner and shakes hands with the other customers, while she hands out buttons.] SOOKIE: So good to meet you. And see you at the polls! [pauses at another table] Hey, aren't you two handy with a knife and fork. [ Squeals to the parents while handing out buttons] Cute kids. Yeah! There you go. Hi. Good morning. Go, Jackson. [she joins Lorelai at a decorated dining table. Lorelai is talking on her cell phone.] LORELAI: Well, when it comes to noise pollution, Jackson Belleville hears you loud and clear. That's right. Thank you so much for your time, and we'll see you at the polls. [clicks off the phone] Okay, I think I can make it through the G's before my phone gives out. SOOKIE: [holds up her phone] I got mine right here. LORELAI: Great. [Kirk enter Luke's Diner and approaches them. He is dressed in a suit and clipboard looking like a typical pollster] KIRK: Ladies, I offer myself up to you and your cause. LORELAI: What's this? KIRK: I took it upon myself to poll the town, and I think you're gonna be pretty happy with the results. SOOKIE: We are? KIRK: Jackson is solidly in the lead. LORELAI: Already? We just started bugging people. KIRK: Well, I modeled my poll after the Gallup poll. The Gallup poll uses a sample of 1,005 voters to represent the 280 million people of the United States. Using that logic, the correct sampling size of the town of Stars Hollow would be 0.002. Rounding that up means one person needs to be polled, so I picked me. LORELAI: You polled yourself? KIRK: I was right there. Seemed like a perfect opportunity. LORELAI: Okay. Well, first of all, thank you for dressing up to talk to yourself. And secondly, I think you're gonna need to poll more people to get a better sense of where we really are. KIRK: Oh. Okay, I'll see what I can do. LORELAI: Thanks, Kirk. [Kirk exit the diner] You did notice that the back of his pants are shorter than the front? SOOKIE: How does that happen? LORELAI: That's Kirk. SOOKIE: It certainly is. [Luke appears at their decorated table] LUKE: [dryly] Hey, excuse me, but my customers aren't getting in the way of your thing here, are they? LORELAI: [considers] Uh, no, they're fine. LUKE: Good. 'Cause I can kick them out or close down for you, if you like. LORELAI: [brightly] That's sweet, but we're good. LUKE: So you'll tell me if my business is in your way? LORELAI: You'll be the first to know. [Lane walks by carrying plates of food] Ooh, Lane. Great. Do you think your band could play at Jackson's rally next week? It's not a lot of cash, but it's a little something and it's primetime placement. LANE: [grins] Absolutely. [Luke shifts his feet impatiently] LORELAI: Great. Jackson picked a song, so I'll get info that to you. LANE: Cool. Thanks. [walks off] LUKE: Okay, maybe you were missing my subtle sarcasm there when I mentioned my customers being in your way? LORELAI: [continues to smile brightly] Oh, no. I didn't miss it at all. LUKE: Get your war room outta here. LORELAI: Hey, this is for a good cause. Taylor bugs you, too. LUKE: Yes, he bugs me. LORELAI: Okay then. We're trying to get rid of your little annoyance. LUKE: By becoming my new little annoyance? LORELAI: Oh, hey, the night of the rally, we're gonna need a sort of backstage gathering area. LUKE: You cannot gather here. [Lorelai glances out the window to the town square park] LORELAI: But it's right across from the -- LUKE: [firmly] You cannot gather here. LORELAI: See, the stage is right over - LUKE: [very firmly] You cannot gather here. LORELAI: Do you like my hair like this? LUKE: [without skipping a beat] Yes, and you cannot gather here. LORELAI: Wow. Sleeping with you is getting me nothing. [forms a "zero" with her fingers for emphasis] LUKE: Just gather your crap up, get it out. I need the tables. [walks off] [Jackson quickly enters the diner] JACKSON: Quick, give me the baby. [picks up Davey from the stroller and walks out grunting] Ooh. Oh ho ho. LORELAI: Is he gonna sell it? [They watch through the window and see people gather around Jackson "ooh-ing" over the cute baby.] SOOKIE: Oh. That's it, Davey. Work it, work it. Do the clapping, do the clapping. [As if on cue, Davey claps his baby hands together and the crowd "ahhs" impressed] LORELAI: Hmm. Very "Manchurian Candidate" of you. [Through the window, they watch Taylor exit his parlor ringing a bell] TAYLOR: Free ice cream. Come and get your free ice cream, compliments of Taylor Doose of "Taylor's Old-Fashioned Soda Shoppe And Candy Store". [chuckles as people eagerly enter his shop] No need to rush, folks. There's plenty of free, fresh, handmade ice cream for every single registered voter in Stars Hollow. SOOKIE: How dirty. LORELAI: I know. All he needed were some lying swift boat captains to complete the ambush. SOOKIE: Now we're gonna lose. LORELAI: No, no, now -- he may have the edge, but we've got the heart. SOOKIE: Who the hell cares about heart? LORELAI: [determinedly] We do, and people will. We just have to stay focused and do this one vote at a time. [picks up her phone and dials] SOOKIE: Who are you calling? Ben Affleck? LORELAI: Oh, hello, my favorite daughter. RORY: What do you need? LORELAI: I need you to come home. RORY: Now? LORELAI: No, Tuesday. RORY: What's on Tuesday? LORELAI: Well, it's the town selectman elections, and we're desperate. Lane's band is playing, and I'll give you a button. RORY: I'll be there. LORELAI: Really? RORY: You know I'm a sucker for a good button. LORELAI: Thanks, kid. RORY: Tell Jackson I'm rooting for him. LORELAI: I will. [hesitates] Um, so, how's school? RORY: So far, so good. LORELAI: And how's Paris? RORY: Asher left her a 300-pound antique printing press, which she put in the common room. LORELAI: So, same? RORY: Exactly. LORELAI: Great. Okay. And, um...how's Dean? RORY: He's fine. LORELAI: Okay, well, good. RORY: Mom, I have to study. I'll see you Tuesday, okay? LORELAI: Okay, see you Tuesday. [clicks off the phone] Okay, so Rory's coming back to vote. So counting her, you, me, Jackson, and Kirk, that's five. SOOKIE: Why did you say "how's Dean?" like that? LORELAI: Like that? SOOKIE: [ Affected voice ] "How's Dean?" LORELAI: I did say it like that, didn't I? SOOKIE: Yep. LORELAI: I don't know. I think I'm trying so hard to make Rory think I'm totally cool with the situation that I end up sounding totally freaked out by the situation. SOOKIE: You're totally cool with the situation? LORELAI: Well, I'm totally on my way to being totally cool with the situation. [Dejected, Jackson enters the diner with Davey in his arms] JACKSON: Here. Take him. He's politically useless to me. SOOKIE: Ooh. CUT TO DEAN'S FRONT DOOR PORCH STEPS - EVENING. [Dean sits alone on the steps. Rory pulls up in her car and Dean eagerly gets in. They drive off.] CUT TO A REMOTE AREA OF STARS HOLLOW WOODS [Rory and Dean are parked. Fumbling in the darkness.] RORY: Oow! DEAN: Sorry. RORY: Oh, that's okay. DEAN: You sure? RORY: Yeah. I'm good. Just, um... [they kiss passionately] wait. DEAN: What? RORY: My hair. DEAN: [shifts] Okay. Is that -- RORY: yeah, yeah. That's good. DEAN: [bumps his head in the cramped little car] Damn it. RORY: Let's just shift here. [leans across him] DEAN: What are you doing? RORY: I'm just trying to get your seat back. DEAN: Oh, I can do that. RORY: Oh! See, good, okay. So I'll just get, like, up here, and then now -- DEAN: ow. Wait. Ow. Ow! [Rory returns to the drivers seat, defeated. Dean is breathing heavily.] This isn't working great. RORY: Sorry. [ Chuckles and looks around uncomfortably] DEAN: Yeah. RORY: So... what do you want to do? DEAN: I don't know. RORY: We could try going to your house or -- DEAN: No, my parents are there. RORY: Right. We could go to Luke's. He's dating my mom now, so I get seated right away. DEAN: I don't want to go to Luke's. RORY: Okay, then, I'm out. Your turn. DEAN: Maybe you should just take me home. RORY: Oh, okay. You know, Lane's band is playing at Jackson's rally, and I thought maybe I'd come back to town to see it. Maybe we could go together. DEAN: No, I don't think so. RORY: It would be fun. At the least, it could be very loud. DEAN: No, Rory! I don't want to go parading our relationship all over town. RORY: I didn't say - DEAN: I don't need to rub Lindsay's nose in it any more than I already have, okay? RORY: [stunned] I wasn't trying to rub Lindsay's nose in anything. I was just - [seeing his sullen look] I'll take you home. [starts car and drives off] CUT TO LORELAI'S HOUSE - INTERIOR ENTRYWAY [Rory enters the front door and walks to the living room] RORY: Hello? LORELAI: [OS] Rory? RORY: Yep. [Rory settles on the sofa as Lorelai enters from kitchen] LORELAI: Hey. Did I know you were coming home? RORY: Nope. LORELAI: That's a nice face. [Lorelai joins her on the sofa] RORY: I don't feel like driving all the way back to school tonight. I have to deal with James Joyce first thing in the morning. Is that okay? LORELAI: The crashing or the dealing with James Joyce? RORY: Crashing. LORELAI: Absolutely. Crash away. Need a helmet? RORY: Just a pillow. LORELAI: So, just curious, what brings you to this neck of the woods this fine evening? RORY: Dean had to give Lindsay the car tonight. LORELAI: Ah. RORY: So I came here to see him. LORELAI: Well, you're a good girlfriend. RORY: Well, it just made sense. I mean, I have a car. LORELAI: [muttering under her breath] And classes first thing in the morning. RORY: What? LORELAI: Huh? RORY: What'd you say? LORELAI: I said, "who wants Pop-Tarts?" [she stands and exits] CUT TO STARS HOLLOW VOTING POLL OUTSIDE THE CURTAINED BOOTHS - EVENING [Lorelai stands outside one of the curtained booths] LORELAI: Oh, my God. Come on. How long is this taking you? RORY: [exits the curtain] We do not harass the voters. This is not Florida. SOOKIE: [emerges from the next booth] I just voted for my husband. [walks to nearby table] Gimme that sticker. When I married him, I never thought that someday he'd go into politics. Of course, his winning the line-dance championship was also a bit of a shocker, so what the hell do I know? TAYLOR: [appears] Gee, I wonder who I just voted for. [ Chuckling ] Ah, this is a wonderful night. [accepts a sticker] Thank you. Sookie, I just want to say good luck, and may the best man win. SOOKIE: Yeah, you too, Taylor. [returns his "two thumbs up" as he exits] Ha ha. You know what -- this has been fun, even if we lose. LORELAI: We're not gonna lose. SOOKIE: Even if we do, I'm still glad we did it. LORELAI: We're not going to lose. [to Rory] What's up with you? You taking off? RORY: I'm gonna see Lane's band, then I'm gonna go. SOOKIE: And I'm gonna make stew for Jackson. When he loses, he'll get stew. He likes stew. LORELAI: He's not gonna lose. SOOKIE: But if he does... then he'll get stew. CUT TO BACKSTAGE AT JACKSON'S RALLY [Lane, Gil, Zach and Brian listen to a tape playing "Believe it or Not" in a boom box and are stunned. Zach slaps the machine off.] ZACH: This is the day the music died. GIL: Seals & Crofts rock harder than this. BRIAN: My mom likes this song. LANE: It's the song Jackson picked. We have to play it. ZACH: And then leave town immediately, because there's no way we can ever show our faces around here again. BRIAN: We could wear masks. They wouldn't know it was us. GIL: Dude, they wreak havoc with your hair. LANE: And where would we get 'em? BRIAN: My parents have a collection of wooden tiki masks they've picked up on trips. They're pretty cool. We'd have to peel the price tags off. ZACH: I'm not wearing smelly wood on my face. BRIAN: Well then, you come up with something. ZACH: I say we walk because otherwise we're selling out. GIL: We're already backstage. People will see us. BRIAN: Not if we wear tiki masks. ZACH: It's worth it to keep our street cred. LANE: Look, Zach, it's for a good cause. And if, for one night, we have to give up our cool and not have girls jiggling up and down, wanting to come back to our place for sucker beer, then so be it. ZACH: Whoa, Prohibition Sally. Part of the point of all this is appealing to chicks. LANE: For you, not for us. BRIAN: No, for me, too. GIL: That's how I met my wife. LANE: Well, then, not for me. ZACH: Well, you're a chick. LANE: Right, so I should know. ZACH: I don't even know what you're talking about anymore. GIL: We can't cancel the gig. ZACH: Then what do we do? GIL: We do what we do. We make rock 'n' roll. Hendrix rocked Woodstock with "The Star Spangled banner." BRIAN: That's true. GIL: No one saw it coming. It's a classic now. He turned it into an anthem. LANE: It's "The Star Spangled Banner." It was kind of already an anthem. GIL: Thanks to Hendrix. ZACH: I'm confused. BRIAN: So am I. ZACH: Are we walking or what? LANE: We're not walking. [Lane and Gil "high five" their agreement] CUT TO LUKE'S DINER - ALL DECORATED WITH POST RALLY FESTIVITIES [Luke approaches Lorelai from across the counter] LUKE: Okay, I gotta get out of here. I'm going upstairs. I put out the coffee, I locked the storeroom and the fridge. [He places his diner keys in her hand and gently squeezes] Do not let anyone break anything or steal anything. And lock up when you're done. LORELAI: [giggles] You really don't want to wait for the results? LUKE: [dryly] I'm just afraid I'll get too emotional. LORELAI: Good night. [Luke exits] [Lorelai stuffs his keys into her back pocket as she watches her daughter exit the diner] SOOKIE: [OS to Jackson] You want some more coffee? LORELAI: [to Rory] Bye, hon. SOOKIE: [consoling tone] How you doing, honey? JACKSON: Oh, I'm fine. SOOKIE: He's nervous. I can tell. His neck goes away. JACKSON: I'm not nervous. I'm fine. [Kirk enter the diner.] KIRK: Where are they? Where are they? Oh, there you are. You won't believe it. Big news. [gasping out of breath] LORELAI: Kirk, sit down. KIRK: Can't. These aren't my pants. [Puzzled, Sookie glances at his pants] I have the results of my latest poll. I talked to every single person in town, and unanimously, they're all voting for Jackson. SOOKIE: What? JACKSON: Are you sure? KIRK: I am sure. I talked to everyone except Taylor -- but I assumed he was voting for himself -- and they all told me the same thing. SOOKIE: We're going to win? I'm gonna be the first town selectman lady. JACKSON: I can't believe it. LORELAI: Kirk, you're sure about this? Every single person? KIRK: Every person except Taylor -- and even that's not a lock, 'cause hatred for Taylor runs very deep. SOOKIE: Ooh, the rally started. Come on. Ooh, I'm so excited! I don't have to make stew! [She urges Jackson out of the diner with her. Kirk salutes Jackson and follows. LORELAI: [ Chuckling ] Right. [Lorelai picks up her hat and notices through the wall window, Taylor sitting alone in the dark in his parlor. He raises a can of spray whipped cream to his mouth and takes a hit. Lorelai is sad as she exits the diner - locking the door as she leaves.] CUT TO BRIGHTLY LIT STAGE - CAMERA PANS DOWNWARD TO SEE GATHERING CROWD [Rory mills through the crowd. Indistinct chatter - Instruments tuning. Rory approaches the stage. ] RORY: Lane. LANE: You're here! RORY: Hey, I'm your groupie. But don't get any ideas. I'm saving experimentation for my junior year. LANE: I love you. RORY: If you need someone to stage-dive, give me a signal. LANE: You got it. [They part ways as Sookie walks onstage and speaks into the microphone] SOOKIE: Hello, Stars Hollow! [the crowd all answers "Hello!"] Okay, so the man of the hour, Jackson Belleville -- [ Cheers and applause ] Oh. That's nice. Okay. Well, he's getting ready to come out here and talk to you, but before he does, I wanted to take the opportunity to say thanks -- wow. Again, wow. Okay, so thanks for all of the support and the nice thoughts. This is a great place to live, and I wouldn't want to live anyplace else the world! And now let's get this party started. I've got a real treat for you tonight. Right here, live onstage, playing one of Jackson's favorite songs of all time, put your hands together, and let's build the roof for Hep Alien! [Camera shifts to the band. Zach counts off the beat softly] ZACH: One, two, three, four... [sings] look at what's happened to me I can't believe it myself GIL: [sings] Suddenly I'm on top of the world and it shoulda been somebody else! [Music changes and becomes fast paced hard rock] Believe it or not, I'm walking on air. I never thought I would feel so free flyin' away on a wing and a prayer ZACH: [sings] Who could it be? Believe it or not, it's just me! It's just like the light of a new day it hit me from out of the blue. GIL: [sings] Breakin' me out of the spell I was in, makin' all my wishes come true. believe it or not, I'm walking on air [Rory waves to Lane from the audience. Sookie watches the band from off stage as Lorelai joins her. Sookie appears a bit stunned.] SOOKIE: It's different live, I guess. LORELAI: I just saw Taylor in the soda shop. SOOKIE: [still watching the band] Oh, yeah? LORELAI: Yeah, I think he knows. SOOKIE: Knows what? LORELAI: Knows that he's gonna lose. SOOKIE: Really? LORELAI: He was sitting there all alone in the dark, downing spray whipped cream. He looked devastated. SOOKIE: Yay! LORELAI: I know -- "yay." But it's kind of sad, isn't it? SOOKIE: Why? He deserves it. LORELAI: I know, but no votes? None? That's humiliating. That's "Swept Away" kind of humiliating. SOOKIE: [unconvincing] Yeah, you're right. Too bad. LORELAI: You're stilling "yaying" in your head, aren't you? SOOKIE: In 5.1 surround. LORELAI: I'll be back in a minute. [The band continues to play while Zach and Gil singing together. Two blonde groupies at the front of the crowd jiggle and giggle to the beat as they ogle Zach.] ZACH AND GIL: [singing] Believe it or not! Believe it or not! Believe it or not! GIL: [breaks out in a solo playing "The Star Spangled Banner" then...] [sings] Believe it or not! I'm walkin' on air! CUT TO THE POLLING PLACE'S FRONT STEPS. [Lorelai stands nervously at the steps and stops a friend] LORELAI: Oh, Andrew. Great. Hi. ANDREW: Hi Lorelai. Looks like it's gonna be a landslide for Jackson. Every single person I know is voting for him. You must be really happy. LORELAI: Oh, yes, I am. Could you, um, vote for Taylor? ANDREW: [shocked] What? LORELAI: Jackson's still gonna win. It's hard to explain. It involves spray cream. Just trust me. Great. Thanks. [Andrew walks off and a young woman walks by] Anna, hi! ANNA: Hi, Lorelai. Big night, huh? LORELAI: Oh, yeah, real big. Could you vote for Taylor? CUT TO RALLY STAGE - BAND STILL PLAYING ZACH: [sings] Flyin' away on a wing and a prayer who could it be? Believe it or not it's just me! [The band plays a finale slam. Zach flashes a smile to the blonde groupies, much to the chagrin of Lane. The groupies squeal their delight. After their last coordinated downbeat, they all come to the front stage to wave at the cheering crowd. Rory waves at Lane. Zach urges the two blondes to join him on stage.] SOOKIE: Well, that was peppy. All right, ladies and gentlemen, what you've all been waiting for -- the man of the hour, the next town selectman of Stars Hollow, Jackson Belleville! [The crowd cheers as Jackson walks on stage. He approaches Sookie and locks her in a passionate embracing kiss. She returns the kiss. Laughter erupts from the crowd as they break apart and face the stage grinning.] JACKSON: Well, jeez. That was, uh... quite a welcome. Uh, thank you all for coming and supporting me in this... thing here. As I stand on this stage, looking at you all, I can't help but think... I have a job. I have a life. [Sookie glances at her husband while continuing to grin at the crowd] I don't have time to be selectman. [Sookie does a double take as her smile stales] I have a business. I have a kid. And Sookie and I are trying to have another one. [Sookie glances nervously at the quiet crowd] And the doctor has us on this schedule, and it's not flexible. And -- what was I thinking? What the hell am I doing here? I don't want to be selectman. [After a long dramatic pause, a single voice rings out from the crowd] MAN IN THE CROWD: [OS] An honest man! ANOTHER MAN: [OS] Finally! WOMAN IN CROWD: [OS] We're behind you all the way, Jackson! ALL: [ Chanting ] Jackson! Jackson! Jackson! Jackson! Jackson! Jackson! Jackson! Jackson! Jackson! Jackson! Jackson! Jackson! Jackson! Jackson! [Sookie raises Jackson's hand in victory and joins the chanting] CUT TO LANE'S APARTMENT - LIVING ROOM [Zach is celebrating on sofa with the two giggly blondes clinging to either side of him. Brian hovers nearby on the sofa's arm. Lane is in the kitchen scowling as she pours snacks into a bowl.] ZACH: Whoo! Whoo! [ Howls ] Oh, man, I am flying. I mean it, I am two, three feet in the air. BRIAN: It was tight, it was tight. [glances at Zach] That's the right term to throw in at this point, right? CHERRY: No one plays guitar like you, Zach. MIRA: Totally. ZACH: It was more than just the gifts, sweetheart. It was the material. [Lane watches from the kitchen and sullenly takes a bite from a chip.] BRIAN: We found our sound. ZACH: Cheese works. This is a turning point. We have to go for it. MIRA: You are gonna be so famous. CHERRY: Will you remember us when you're huge? ZACH: No. [After a pause the blondes burst out with laughter ] CHERRY: You're awful. BRIAN: I'm awful, too. [They all look over at Brian with no comment. After a long pause...] ZACH: Okay, who needs refills? CHERRY: I do. MIRA: Me too. BRIAN: I'm good. [ Slurping from his beer can ] [Zach hops up and joins Lane in the kitchen] ZACH: Grab us a couple beers, would you? LANE: Okay. ZACH: What are you doing in here? Come and join the party. [samples some chip dip from a bowl] [Lane pull two cans from the refrigerator and braces herself before turning around] LANE: I like you, Zach. I like you as more than a bandmate and more than a friend. I like you. I have liked you for some time now, and I don't think this feeling is going to go away. I just thought you should know. Here's your beer. [she hands him the two cans, takes a big breath and exits to her bedroom] [Stunned, Zach walks to the sofa and dumps the cans into the girls hands] ZACH: I gotta get some air. [the girls watch him leave, puzzled] BRIAN: I have Ken Burns' "Jazz" on DVD, if you're into that kind of thing. CUT TO THE RALLY CROWD NEAR THE STAGE. [Crowd still milling around as Rory looks on. Dean appears and approaches her.] DEAN: Hey. RORY: Hey. I didn't know you were coming. DEAN: I'm so sorry. RORY: It's okay. DEAN: This who situation's turning out to be a lot harder than I thought. Not you -- just Lindsay and moving back home and my parents. I'm not handling it as well as I should be. RORY: It's a lot, Dean. You're doing fine. DEAN: I didn't want to yell at you like that. I worked out the car thing. That's not gonna be an issue anymore. And I had a little talk with my mom, so I think things are gonna be better now. RORY: Okay. [Dean leans forward and kisses Rory warmly] DEAN: I'm sorry. RORY: It's good. Don't worry about it. [Dean smiles at her as she looks thoughtful] Dean, can I ask you something? DEAN: Sure. RORY: You won't get mad? DEAN: No, I promise. RORY: [hesitatingly] If Lindsay hadn't found that letter... would you... um, were you going... would you still have left her? DEAN: Yeah. [looks at Rory puzzled before chuckling ] Yeah. Yeah, of course. RORY: [lets out a breath of relief] Okay. Good. [ Chuckles ] [Their attention turns to the nearby stage] MISS PATTY: Everybody, may I have your attention? The results are in. Jackson, come on out here. JACKSON: [OS] No. [Sookie dives behind the curtain and pulls Jackson on stage to join Miss Patty.] MISS PATTY: [reads a small card] Okay. The votes for town selectman are as follows -- 1,114 for Jackson Belleville. 10 for Taylor Doose. [applause from the crowd] Well, we have a new town selectman, ladies and gentlemen! [Jackson snatches the card from Miss Patty and stares at it in disbelief] Jackson, would you like to say a few words to your constituency? JACKSON: No. [Miss Patty snatches the card back as a voice from the crowd calls out] TAYLOR: I would. [ Crowd murmuring as Taylor climbs on stage. After shaking hands with Jackson, he turns to speak into the microphone] Friends and townspeople... today in Stars Hollow, democracy has spoken. The will of the people has prevailed, and new leadership has been instated. Your vote has counted. Free elections are a wonderful thing, a thing to be admired and cherished. Here in America, we have something else that is to be admired and cherished. It's called a recall election. [ the crowd murmurs] I look forward to this other aspect of democracy, which I believe will happen any day now, when sanity and reason have been restored to Stars Hollow. So, in closing, friends, believe me when I tell you, you will have Taylor Doose to kick around again. Thank you, and God bless. [He waves gaily to the silent crowd, looks around a moment before exiting] CUT TO LUKE'S DINER - AFTER RALLY FESTIVITIES [People mill around food and balloons chatting happily while "Happy Days Are Here Again" plays in the background . Jackson looks very unhappy as Miss Patty continues talking. Andrew hovers nearby.] MISS PATTY: Jackson, now that we're done with the sidewalk issue, I would like to talk to you about the permit for expanding my dance studio to include a Tae-Bo room. ANDREW: I have the pictures of the hedges right here. They're at least a foot above where they're supposed to be, and ruby won't cut them down. KIRK: [walks up and pats Jackson on his shoulder] If you need someone in charge of homeland security, I am your man. [They all begin talking at once] MISS PATTY: I have this great idea... ANDREW: The sun sets five minutes earlier for me 'cause her hedges are in the way. [Lorelai watches the festivities as she grabs a bottle and two wine glasses and heads up the back stairs to Luke's apartment] CUT TO LUKE'S DINER - UPSTAIRS. [Lorelai approaches Luke's apartment door. No light shines from within, as she knocks. After a long pause, she bends closer to peer through the frosted glass. After another pause, the door opens. A groggy-looking Luke stands there in a t-shirt and sweat pants] LUKE: Hey. LORELAI: Grabbed us a little victory champagne, and I thought -- you were asleep. LUKE: Oh, no, no. I was just, uh, doing some bills and things. LORELAI: Doing bills? LUKE: Yeah. LORELAI: In the dark? LUKE: Trying to - conserve. LORELAI: So, when you went up earlier, you were going to bed. [Luke smiles sleepily] You go to bed early, which makes sense, because you get up early. And, ugh -- now I got it. LUKE: Hey, it's no big deal. Just come on in, we'll, uh... LORELAI: [leans over and kisses him tenderly] No, I can hold on to this till later. LUKE: Yeah? LORELAI: Yeah. Good night. [mutters to self] "Goes to bed early," I gotta remember that. [Luke leans against the door frame shifting his weight] LUKE: Only on some nights. LORELAI: Hey, don't you also hate champagne? [holds up glasses] LUKE: Kind of. LORELAI: Yeah. [ Sighs ] I'm learning, I'm learning. [She gives him another kiss before exiting, leaving him standing alone in his doorway. Sleepily, he turns and stumbles back inside.]

Lorelai confesses that part of the charm of breakfast by Luke is breakfast at Luke's; Rory is less than thrilled to discover that the common room in her suite has been overtaken by a huge antique printing press Paris inherited from Asher; Lorelai and Sookie head up Jackson's campaign committee when he decides to run against Taylor for town selectman to put an end to the grocer's petty tyranny over Stars Hollow, but Lorelai has second thoughts when she sees how Jackson's projected landslide victory is affecting Taylor; Rory and Dean have difficulty finding a comfortable place to be alone, compounded by Dean's having to share a car with Lindsay and his reluctance to make his relationship with Rory public; Lane confesses her true feelings to Zack; after all the votes have been counted, Jackson isn't quite certain he wants the job, and Taylor vows not to go away quietly.

fd_Charmed_01x04

fd_Charmed_01x04_0

[Scene: Manor. Foyer. Prue is walking towards the front door. She opens it and Andy's there.] Prue: Andy, hi. Andy: I was no where near the neighbourhood, thought I'd stop by. Prue: Honest man, I like that. (She steps aside and Andy walks in. She closes the door.) So, um, I had a great time last night. Andy: Yeah, me too. But I forgot to give you something very important. (He gets a little square box out of his coat pocket.) Happy birthday. Prue: But it's not my birthday until next week. (She reaches for the box but he pulls it away.) Andy: Consider this a preview. (She grabs the box off of him and opens it up. She pulls out...) Prue: A key? Andy: To the Calistoga Spa. We leave Friday night after work. Don't worry, I got us adjoining rooms. Prue: Adjoining rooms? Andy: Well, I wouldn't want to assume something I'm not supposed to be assuming. Although, it has been over a month since we... then decided to take it slow, but no pressure. I just want to be with you, away, together. Think about it. Prue: Okay. (He leans over and kisses her.) Andy: Let me know. Bye. (He leaves.) Prue: Happy birthday to me. [Scene: Mark Chao's mother's place. Mark and his mother are standing outside. He is holding a balloon.] Mark: Give me a break, mum. Mrs. Chao: There are a lot of hungry spirits out there, Mark. Mark: You're like the Chinese Shirley Maclaine, you know that? Mrs. Chao: Better safe than sorry. Mark: I'll risk it. Mrs. Chao: You should have more respect for ghosts, Mark. If your grandmother were here-- Mark: She'd warn me about all the evil spirits walking the streets in Chinatown, I know, I know. (Mrs. Chao takes an amulet off a hook next to the door.) Mrs. Chao: You should take this for protection. (He hooks it back up.) Mark: Maybe the ghosts need protection from me. (He kisses her on the cheek.) I'll be okay, mum. I'm 23 now. I can take care of myself, okay. (He hands her the balloon.) I gotta go. Mrs. Chao: Happy Birthday, Mark. Mark: Thanks. (He walks off.) [Cut to Chinatown. Mark is walking down the crowded street.] Woman: Hi, Mark. Mark: Hey, how are ya? (Mark walks down an alley. A gang surrounds him.) Guy: Is this the guy? Tony: That's him. (to Mark) Is today your birthday? Mark: Who are you? What do you want? Tony: You. Make a wish. (Tony gets out his gun, points it at Mark and shoots. Mark falls to the ground. His spirits floats out his body and stands aside. Tony kneels beside Mark's body and places a ring on his finger. Another guy pours kerosene all over Mark's body and Tony lights a match.) Mark: What are you doing? Hey, wait. No! (Mark's body is engulfed in flames.) Opening Credits [Scene: Manor. Kitchen. Piper is there putting birthday invitations inside envelopes. Phoebe walks in.] Phoebe: Good morning. (She notices the invitations.) What are you doing? Prue's coming down. Put that away. Piper: Phoebe, you were supposed to send these invitations last week, the party is Friday. Phoebe: We're right on schedule. The restaurant is reserved, the menu selected, the cake has been ordered. (They hide the invitations in a drawer.) Piper: That's because I did all those things. At least tell me you've managed to buy Prue something other than your traditional birthday gift. Phoebe: What's my traditional gift? Piper: A card, three days late. Phoebe: Yeah, well, I decided to break that tradition and start a new one. Piper: You bought Prue a gift? Where'd you get the money to pay for it? (Prue walks in.) Prue: Morning. Phoebe: Good morning. Hey, I forgot to ask; how was your date with Andy? Prue: Great, until he asked me to spend my birthday at a spa with him. Phoebe: (sarcastic) Oh, I hate when they do that. Piper: For this weekend? You didn't say yes, did you? Prue: Well, my body did... screamed it actually. But I don't know, I just have to think about it. Phoebe: A weekend of rest, rubdowns and room service. What's to think about? (Piper bangs a notepad down on the table. Phoebe remembers about the party.) I mean, uh, you could be right. Going away with a guy, is like... Piper: It's like bringing them home to meet the parents. It changes everything. And if you're not sure if you're ready to make a commitment or not, you know, you don't wanna send the wrong signal. Phoebe: Plus, you need a week to prepare for a weekend away. I mean, there's lingerie shopping, waxing, manicure, pedicure. I mean, it's basically a full time job and you've already got one. So you'll never be ready, not even if you started packing this second. Piper: Wow. Phoebe: Bottom line, unless you're ready to put your toothbrush next to his, you shouldn't go. Prue: You guys aren't trying to plan another surprise party for me, are you? Piper: No, never. Phoebe: No, we've given up on trying to surprise you, Prue. Prue: Well, that's good because you both know how much I hate surprises. (She leaves the room.) Piper: Damn it, Phoebe. If you had sent Andy his invitation we wouldn't be in this mess. Phoebe: Okay, what are you talking about? You heard Prue, she doesn't want a party. So you should be glad that I flaked, besides, you know as well as I do, she's gonna go away with Andy. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a present to pay for. Which means I have a job interview. (She leaves the room.) [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: A hotel. Phoebe and Frankie, the hotel manager, are there.] Frankie: You know why our hotel does psychic readings at the bar, it's kind of a trademark. Phoebe: Well, that's why I'm here. I saw your ad in the Chronicle. I am a natural born psychic. Frankie: Yeah, right. What's your act? Tea leaves, tarot cards, crystal balls, what? Phoebe: No, I can see the future. I mean, I can't always see it, I never actually know when it's gonna work. Usually when I touch someone or I'm in the same general area as them. It's kinda hard to explain. Frankie: Next! Phoebe: No. (She stops him from walking off.) Wait, Frankie, hold it. I see it. You're having dinner with a blonde woman, she's gorgeous, all over you. Then some red head shows up. You look surprised. Ooh, she looks pissed. Your wife? Frankie: When can you start? [Scene: Bucklands. Prue's office. She's on the phone talking to Piper.] Piper: So have you made up your mind about Calistoga? Prue: I don't know, I keep thinking it's a bad idea but then I think well what's the big deal? It's not like we haven't already slept together. Piper: I think you should go... on Saturday. Prue: On Saturday, why? Piper, you promised no surprise party. Piper: It's not what you think. It's Phoebe. She bought you a present. Prue: Phoebe doesn't give presents, she gives cards three days late. Piper: No this year. Surprise. And she really wants to give it to you on Friday. So could you please just ask Andy about leaving on Saturday instead? [Cut to Piper at the manor.] Piper: You have no idea how much Phoebe has put herself through. She even... (Piper sees a "Psychics Wanted" ad circled in the paper.) she even got a job and everything. Prue: Okay, I'll ask, if I decide to go. So what kind of job did Phoebe get? Piper: Don't know. Gotta go. Ciao. [Scene: Hotel. Phoebe is there dressed in a pink costume. She kind of looks like Jeannie from "I Dream Of Jeannie". She is telling a woman her future.] Phoebe: You're in a large room with lots of other people. Lots of other women. Woman: Go on. Phoebe: You're standing on a podium, no wait, you're on a scale. (Phoebe giggles.) It's a Weight Watchers meeting. Ooh, honey, it looks like you've gained some weight. Woman: That's impossible. I only cheated once this week. Phoebe: No, no, I'm not judging, I'm just seeing. Woman: You're a fraud, that's what you are. I've never been so insulted in my life. I want my $20 back. (She reaches for the jar of money but Phoebe grabs it off the table.) Phoebe: No way. I saw you, you know I saw you. (The woman walks away.) Hey, if you want me to lie next time just say so. (Piper walks up to Phoebe.) Piper: Phoebe! Phoebe: Piper! I am so busted, aren't I? Piper: Are you out of your mind, again? Phoebe: No, I'm The Amazing Phoebe. Piper: This is not funny. Our powers are supposed to be a secret, not a marketable job skill. Phoebe: Relax. They didn't hire me because they think I'm a witch, they hired me because they think I'm a psychic. Piper: Hair splitting. You know you can't use your powers for personal gain, not without consequences. Phoebe: No, but it's for Prue, it's not for me, it's to pay for her present, it's completely selfless. Besides, this is the last place anyone would expect to find a real psychic, believe me. (Mark walks up to Piper and Phoebe.) Mark: Which one of you is the psychic? Piper: She is. Phoebe: Oh, I am. Mark: You can see me? Both of you? Piper: Of course we can see you, now back off. Mark: Oh, thank God. I've tried communicating with every psychic in the city. You were my last chance. (Frankie comes up to them.) Frankie: Phoebe, what are you doing? You've got customers waiting. Mark: Okay, listen to me, you're the only ones that can help me. Piper: Excuse us, we are trying to have an argument here. Frankie: (to Piper) Who are you? Phoebe: Uh, she's just leaving. Bye. Go now. (Piper walks away and Mark follows.) Mark: Wait, I need your help. Piper: Yeah, talk to the psychic. (Piper walks outside.) Mark: Please, I'm begging you, I was murdered last night, I can prove it. Piper: Stop harassing me, buddy. Mark: Please, I'm desperate, you gotta help me. Piper: Leave me alone or I'll call the police. (to a woman) Can you believe this guy? (The woman looks at her strangely.) Mark: All you have to do is come with me to Chinatown and see for yourself. Piper: Alright, that's it. Look, either back off or... look out! (Someone on a bike rides straight through Mark.) Mark: Now do you believe me? Piper: Oh my God. I can see you but no one else can? Mark: I'm dead, I'm a ghost. [Scene: Quake. Prue walks in looking for Andy. She sees him sitting at a table with a woman. She walks over to them.] Prue: Hi. Andy: Prue. Prue: Um, I tried calling the station house for you, they said that you would probably be here. (to the woman) Hi. Woman: Hi. Andy: Oh, Prue, this is, um... Woman: Susan. Susan Trudeau. Nice to meet you. Pleasure. Prue: Trudeau. Sister? Andy: No, actually... Susan: Wife. (Prue walks away and Andy follows.) Andy: Ex-wife. Prue, wait, I can explain. Prue: Don't bother. Andy: It's not what you think... (Prue uses her power and moves a food trolley in front of Andy. He trips over it and lands on the floor.) [Scene: Chinatown. Piper and Mark are walking down an alley.] Mark: Thanks for helping me. Piper: When you wouldn't leave my doorstep, you didn't leave me much of a choice. Maybe this isn't such a good idea. Mark: Please, I don't have much time. Somebody has to find my body before it's too late. Piper: Too late for what? Mark: It's a Chinese myth. At least I always thought it was a myth. It's called Thowhoi, when the gates of hell open. We're almost there. Piper: The gates of hell? I don't understand. Mark: If the gatekeeper, Yama, catches my soul before my body's properly buried, hell take my to hell forever. Piper: But you said you were murdered. How can...? Mark: Yama doesn't care about good or evil. He just wants souls. I should've listened to my mother. (Piper sees Mark's burnt body. She gasps and covers her eyes.) Piper: Is that you? (Yama appears in the distance. He's on a horse which is galloping straight towards them.) Mark: Yama! Piper: Yama? Run. Mark: It's too late. You better go. Run! (Piper freezes Yama.) What happened? Piper: I'm a good witch, remember? Mark: But how? Piper: I don't know. I panic, I put up both hands and bad things tend to freeze. Mark: For how long? Piper: Not very, let's go. (They run down the alley and Yama unfreezes. Yama's eyes glow bright green.) [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Manor. Phoebe's standing outside the bathroom door.] Phoebe: Prue, you can't do this, Piper's gonna be crushed. (Piper walks in.) Piper: I'm gonna be crushed? (Prue comes out of the bathroom wearing only a towel.) Prue: The surprise party is off. Piper: What party? Phoebe: She's onto us. The restaurant called while we were out. Piper: Oh. Is that why you were so upset earlier? Prue: Let's just say it hasn't been a great day. Phoebe: Does it have anything to do with why Andy's been calling all night? (Mark walks in.) Mark: Piper, where'd you say today's paper was? Prue: Hey, I'm practically naked here. (Mark looks away.) Mark: Oops, sorry. Phoebe: What's the drunk from the hotel doing here? Mark: My name's Mark and I'm not a drunk. Piper: He's a ghost. Prue: Excuse me, a what? Piper A ghost. He was murdered and he obviously needs our help. Why else would we be able to see him? (Phoebe covers Prue with her coat.) Phoebe: Well, he can see us, that's for sure. Prue: Hey! Mark: (mumbles) Of all the days to be a dead man. Phoebe: You sure this guys really a ghost? (Piper throws a cup at Mark and it passes right through him.) Piper: Positive. [Time lapse. Prue, Piper and Phoebe are in the kitchen.] Phoebe: So how do we know that the guy doesn't really belong in hell? Piper: Because we can see him. He's one of the innocent we have to protect. Prue: Protect from what? He's dead. Piper: All we have to do is get Mark's family to give him a proper burial and then he can move on to wherever it is he moves onto. Prue: Okay, so call the police and let them know where the body is. Piper: I already did. I just wanna give them a little time to notify Mark's mum before I go talk to her. Phoebe: Talk to her? And tell her what? That you're a witch in touch with the ghost of her dead son? Piper: No, I'm just gonna try and get her to have a funeral as soon as possible before Yama gets Mark's spirit. (The phone rings and Phoebe answers it.) Phoebe: Hello? Oh, hi, I can't really talk right now. It's important? Okay, I'll be at the hotel in a little while. Bye. (She hangs up.) That was my new boss calling. I gotta run. (She leaves.) Prue: Um, okay, so, so when you called the police you didn't talk to Andy did you? Piper: No, it was anonymous. Why, did you decide to not go away with him? Prue: Actually, I decided to go and till I went to tell him and found him having dinner with his ex-wife. Piper: His what? Prue: Yeah, I mean, you would think he would've remembered to reveal that little fact before we jumped in the sack. Piper: Well, what did he say? Why didn't he tell you? Prue: I don't know, I didn't really hang around long enough to ask. (Mark pokes his head through the door.) Mark: How's it going in there? (Prue and Piper jump.) Sorry. Prue: Don't these guys knock? [Scene: Hotel. Phoebe and Frankie are there.] Frankie: Look, the guy's ------ could be a --------. I'm not sure, anyway, that's why I called. Make this bozo's night, read his future, tell him something good and he'll extend his stay, guaranteed. Phoebe: Look, like I said, I don't always know what my psychic switch is gonna be in the up position. Frankie: I have the most confidence in you, Phoebe, I don't know how you do it. Keep it up and you'll always have work here. (A man sitting at a table finishes his drink and walks off without his wallet. Phoebe sees and calls out to him.) Phoebe: Uh, excuse me, sir, you forgot you're... (She picks up the wallet and has a premonition. In the premonition, the man walks out of a building and down some stairs. He walks onto the road and drops his suitcase. He bends down to pick it up and a car heads straight for him. The car hits him. The premonition ends.) Frankie: Are you okay? What's the matter? Phoebe: Nothing, I, uh, nothing. [Scene: Manor. Living room. Mark is there trying to turn on the TV but his finger passes straight through the button. Piper walks in carrying some blankets.] Mark: It's still new to me. I keep forgetting I'm... Are those for me? Piper: Yeah, uh, stupid question... do ghosts sleep? Mark: I don't even get cold anymore. Piper: Sorry. Mark: It's okay, it's the thought that counts. I guess it's finally sinking in, what's really happened, what I've lost. Sucking down a bucket of oysters at the wharf, ----------- friends, coming home and hearing my mother's voice on the machine nagging me 'cause I haven't married a nice Chinese girl. Piper: Your mum means a lot to you, huh? Mark: She's a great friend... was. (Mark sits on the couch.) It was just me and her after my father died. Taught me everything I know. Especially how to cook. My mum was a great cook. Piper: My Grams taught me how to cook. Actually, I loved it so much I became a chef. Mark: Really? Ever make a Peking duck? Piper: No, you? Mark: Piece of cake. Mum told me I could've been a great chef if I hadn't sold out to the Molecular Biology program at Stanford. Piper: So you can make a Peking duck and clone DNA? Mark: The duck's harder. (They laugh.) Piper: Well, I can talk about food all night long. Mark: Yeah? Well, I can talk about it forever. (They laugh again.) [Scene: Hotel. Phoebe's impatiently waiting in the hallway. The man who left his wallet behind walks around the corner.] Phoebe: Oh, Mr. Corey, thank goodness. Uh, I need to talk to you. Mr. Corey: Do you? Me? Hey, you're that psychic, right? Phoebe: Yeah, right, look... Mr. Corey: Is that how you know my name? Phoebe: No, uh, yes... Did you get the note that I left you? Mr. Corey: The note warning me not to go outside? That was you? Do you get your jollies out of trying to scare people or is that how you drum up business? Phoebe: What? You don't understand, I... (Mrs. Corey walks around the corner.) Hi. Mrs. Corey: What's she doing here? Mr. Corey: She sent the note. Phoebe: It's not what you think. Look, here, when I picked up your wallet-- Mr. Corey: You stole my wallet? Phoebe: I didn't steal your wallet. Mrs. Corey: I don't know what you want but just stay away from us, you understand. (They walk in the elevator.) But you're going to die! Uh, that didn't come out right. Look, I can't tell you how I know this but I swear if you go outside, you're gonna get run over by a pink... wait, you don't have your briefcase. That's good, that's really good. It doesn't happen without your briefcase. Mr. Corey: Leave us alone, or I'm gonna call hotel security. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Bucklands. Prue walks into her office and notices a bunch of flowers sitting on her desk. She walks over and smells them. Andy is standing in the corner of the room. He closes the door and Prue looks up.] Andy: Hi. Prue: You of all people should know that bribery is a crime. Andy: Apologising isn't, is it? Look, Prue, I'm sorry I didn't tell you I was married before, I should have. I was going to. Prue: Really? When? Before or after the doors of our adjoining rooms swung open this weekend? Andy: Okay, I deserved that. Prue: I don't understand how you couldn't find the time to tell me. Unless you really were trying to hide it from me. Andy: Come on, Prue, you know me better than that. Prue: Do I? Andy: Prue, it was an innocent dinner, that's all. I've got an ex-wife and I don't hate her, is that so horrible? Prue: No, no, it's not. But not being honest, not telling me up front is. Andy: Which I've already apologised for. Why are you trying to turn this into something it's not? What's really bugging you, Prue? Looks like I'm not the only one trying to hide a secret. (He leaves.) [Scene: Outside Mark's mother's house. Mark and Piper are there. Piper rings the bell.] Piper: Are you sure this is going to work? Mark: If you speak her language she'll trust you. (Mrs. Chao walks outside.) Mrs. Chao: Can I help you? Mark: (in Chinese) Hello. Piper: (in Chinese) Hello. Mark: (in Chinese) My name's Piper. Piper: (in Chinese) My name's Piper. Mark: (in Chinese) I need to talk to you. Piper: (in Chinese) I need to talk to you. Mrs. Chao: (in Chinese) You speak Chinese? (Piper looks at Mark.) Mark: (in Chinese) Berlitz, it's about Mark. Piper: (in Chinese) Berlitz, it's about Mark. Mrs. Chao: (in Chinese) You know where he is? Mark: She asked if you know where I am. Piper: You-you don't? Mrs. Chao: No, and I'm worried sick. I haven't heard from him since his birthday. Mark: The police haven't notified her yet? Piper: How's the possible... I mean, that he hasn't called yet? Mrs. Chao: I don't know, it's not like him. When did you last see him? Piper: Um, well... Mark: Piper, you have to tell her. You have to tell her where my body is so she can bury me. Piper: I can't... er, I can't remember the last time actually but if I see him or hear from him I-I'll let you know. Mrs. Chao: Thank you, thank you. (Piper walks down the stairs and Mrs. Chao goes back inside.) Mar: You can't walk away, Piper, you have to tell her. Mum, no. (He runs towards the house and smacks straight into the door.) Piper: What happened? Mark: She's got the house protected against ghosts. All the Chinese fairytales she told me growing up were true. And I'm gonna burn in hell. [Scene: Manor. Kitchen. Prue is cleaning. Phoebe walks in.] Phoebe: Man trouble? Prue: I don't wanna talk about it. By the way, where were you last night? (Phoebe starts cleaning.) Something wrong? Phoebe: I don't wanna talk about it. Prue: Okay, you never clean and you'll talk about anything. What's up? Phoebe: Nothing. (Phoebe starts scrubbing the bench. Prue stops her.) Prue: Phoebe. Phoebe: Okay, I had a premonition, a really bad one too. I saw a guy getting run over buy a pink Cadillac. Prue: A pink Cadillac? Phoebe: I know is sounds ridiculous but it's true, I saw it and I don't know what to do about it. Prue: Did you warn him? Phoebe: I tried, he thought I was out of my mind, thought I was stalking him or something. I mean, how do you tell a complete stranger that you know they're gonna die? Prue: Where is he now? Phoebe: Hotel Neptune. Prue: What were you doing there? Phoebe: I knew you were going to ask that. I wanted to get you a really great birthday present to make up for all those cards, so I got a job at the hotel as their lounge psychic. Go ahead, yell at me. Prue: Phoebe, you have to save him, you can't let him out of your sight. Phoebe: Don't worry, I waited until he went to sleep and then I broke a key off in his door to lock him in. He's safe til morning. (Prue continues cleaning.) Hey, wait, that's it? You're not gonna get mad at me? Prue: You were trying to do something good. And now you're gonna get to do something wonderful. I couldn't ask for a better birthday present than that. (Piper and Mark walk in.) Piper: Hey, guys, you have to see this. Mark: They found my body. (Piper turns on the TV.) Reporter: Although police report that the body was burned beyond recognition... Mark: It's finally over. Reporter: Personal affects found at the scene, preliminarily identify him as Tony Wong, head of the Chinatown triad. Mark: That can't be, that's the guy who killed me. (Phoebe has a premonition of Tony loading bullets into a gun.) Phoebe: Wait, I see him. Wong, he's still alive. Mark: Of course he's still alive, that's me they found. Prue: Can you see where he is now? Phoebe: I see a sign. Uh, quick, give me a pen. (Piper hands her a pen.) Mark: I don't understand why Wong would wanna kill me. I never did anything to him. Prue: Yeah, but you look a lot like him. Maybe he used you to fake his own death. (Phoebe holds up her palm where she has drawn two Chinese symbols.) Phoebe: What does that mean? Mark: Warhai Imports. It's a warehouse over in Chinatown. [Scene: Chinatown. Mark and Piper walk into a warehouse. Piper is holding a newspaper.] Mark: I don't know about this, Piper, I think it's too dangerous. Piper: It's your only chance. Mark: Piper, listen to me. You don't wanna go up there. Those men pulled the trigger on me without even thinking. They'll kill you. Piper: I can freeze things, remember? Mark: But there's three thugs in there. (They walk up some stairs.) Piper: Keep talking. Mark: With guns. Piper: Even better. Mark: Wait, wait, wait. They've got an amulet on the door, can't go in. (Piper unhooks it and drops it on the floor.) Never mind. Scared? Piper: Terrified. Trust me, that's a good thing. (Piper barges in a room and freezes Tony and his gang.) Okay, phew. We gotta hurry. (Piper sits the paper in Tony's hands, stands back and takes a photo.) Say cheese. (They unfreeze.) Mark: Run! (They run outside and Tony and his gang follow. Mark and Piper jump in the car and drive off. Tony writes down the car's license plate number.) [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Outside the police station. Piper walks out of the station and over to Mark, who is standing beside her car.] Piper: Okay, all set. I snuck the photograph into Andy's inner office mail. Mark: My after life's in the hands of a cop named Andy. Piper: He's an Inspector and he's very good, Mark. After he sees Wong is alive, he'll know exactly what to do. Mark: Bust Wong maybe, but that doesn't help me. They won't have anyway of identifying the body is mine. Piper: I put your name in with the picture. Andy will get dental records or something and match it up. All we have to do is keep Yama away from you until then. Mark: I don't know what to say. Piper: Don't say anything. I made you a promise didn't I? (Piper opens the car door for Mark. Andy sees Piper and walks towards her.) As much as I like you, I have no intention of joining you. Andy: Talking to yourself, huh? (Piper quickly closes the car door.) Piper: Andy, hi. Yeah, um, it's an old habit, I do it all the time. Andy: My mum uses to call it interesting conversations with an interesting person. Piper: Yeah? Interesting. Mark: Very. Andy: Not that it's not a pleasure but what are you doing here? Piper: Oh, nothing, you know, just passing by. Andy: Prue tell you what's going on? Piper: No. Well, yeah, I mean, sort of. Kind of screwed up, huh? Andy: Any idea what I should do? Mark: Oh, that Andy. Piper: Yeah... I mean, yeah, um, hmm, just give her some space, let her work it through. Andy: Yeah, okay. (He hugs her.) Thanks. Take care. Piper: You too. (He walks away. Piper turns to Mark.) What? Mark: You're a really sweet person, you know that? No, I mean that. I wanna take you somewhere. Something I wanna do for you. [Scene: Hotel. Phoebe's waiting by the elevators. Mr. Corey walks out of one.] Phoebe: Oh, Mr. Corey. Mr. Corey: Stay away. Phoebe: Please, you have got to believe me. Mr. Corey: You locked me in my room didn't you? Phoebe: Just for your protection. Mr. Corey: What do you want? Money? Is that what this is? A shake down? Phoebe: No, I am trying to save your life for God's sake, listen to me. Mr. Corey: You're crazy. Phoebe: If you walk out that door, you're a dead man. Mr. Corey: (to the doorman) Call security. Phoebe: Mr. Corey, don't do it! (He walks outside and downstairs just like in Phoebe's premonition.) Watch out! (Phoebe chases after him. He drops his briefcase and a car heads straight for him.) Mr. Corey! (Phoebe runs on the road and pushes him out of the way. The car beeps his horn and drives past them.) That'll be $20. Tip not included. [Scene: Mark's place. Piper and Mark walk inside.] Piper: This is your place? It's beautiful. Mark: Thanks. (Piper picks up a book.) Piper: Camoo. I'm impressed. Mark: I wish I had a chance to finish it. Of course I can say that about almost everything, I guess. Piper: (reading from the book) "I love this world is a dead world, and always there comes an hour where on is weary of prisons and all one craves for is a warm face, the warmth and wonder of a loving heart." Mark: I like that part. Piper: Me too. Mark: Listen, if your cop friend comes through, maybe I'll get a chance to ask him --------- turns out. I want you to reach for something. (He points to a small box sitting on top of a bookshelf. Piper reaches up and takes it off the shelf.) Open it. (They sit down on the couch and Piper opens the box. She pulls out some letters written in Chinese.) Piper: What are they? Mark: My grandfather's recipes. My dad translated them when I was born. They've been serving these in my family's restaurant for decades. They're yours. Piper: But they belong in your family. Mark: I want you to have them. For everything you've done for me. I just ask one favour, use them for your sisters surprise birthday party. Piper: Prue doesn't want a party. Mark: Birthdays are important. I know, I walked out of my last one and it never occurred to me that I wouldn't get another. She may not know it but she needs to celebrate her birthday, we all do. Don't take it for granted. [Scene: Manor. Prue's room. Prue's flicking through channels on the TV. Phoebe walks in.] Phoebe: Prue, what are you doing? Prue: Just flicking through channels. Phoebe: You don't flick, you never flick. Prue: Well, I flick now. Are you okay? You look... Phoebe: Awful? I know. I feel fine. Prue: Did you warn that guy? Phoebe: I did better than that. I saved that guy. And it was great. I knew doing it would be good for him but I had no idea what a rush it would be for me. I felt so good and not just about myself, but about everything. That even in my own little way I could make a difference. Can you believe it's me saying this? Prue: What more can I say? It's been a week full of surprises. Phoebe: Yeah, speaking of surprises; what are you gonna do about Andy? Prue: I don't know. Andy kept something from me, but the truth is I keep something from him every day. And it's not like I'll ever be able to tell him about our secret, so what's the point? Phoebe: We're the Charmed Ones, Prue, not the Doomed Ones. We have lives just like everyone else. Call him, go see him, do something. Give to get, that's the secret of life, not our powers. [Cut to downstairs. Piper and Mark walk in the foyer.] Piper: You okay? Mark: I was just thinking, walking under the stars, what's really up there, what's waiting for me. Piper: I don't know. Maybe you can give me a hint when you get there. Mark: I don't want this night to ever end. I'm not ready to say goodbye, Piper. (She holds her hand near his face.) Piper: Close your eyes. Pretend you can feel my hand on your skin, that my touch gives you comfort. Mark: No... Piper: Just close your eyes. (They move their lips together as close as they can so it's like they're kissing without touching. They pull apart.) Mark: Where were you my whole life? (Suddenly, the front door flies open and two of Tony's men run in. They grab Piper and carry her outside.) No! Piper! Somebody help! (Prue and Phoebe run down the stairs.) Prue: What's wrong, what happened? Mark: They took her. Wong's men took Piper. Phoebe: Do you know where they took her? (He shakes his head.) I'm calling 911. Prue: No, do it from the car, let's go. We've got to find her. Mark: Even if it takes all night. (They run outside.) [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Warehouse. Tony, his gang and Piper are there. Piper is tied up in a chair. Tony is loading bullets into his gun.] Tony: The first time I saw you I thought you were a ghost. Piper: These ropes are really tight, if you could just until my hands. Why did you kill Mark? Tony: I needed his identity. (He grabs her hair.) Who else knows I'm alive? I had plans. I had a boat ready to take me to Hong Kong. I had a whole new life and you screwed it all up. [Scene: Police station. Andy sits down at his desk. Someone puts an envelope on his desk.] Andy: Thanks. (He opens the envelope and pulls out the photo of Tony Wong.) [Cut back to the warehouse. Prue and Phoebe run in. Mark runs down the stairs.] Mark: Quick, they have her upstairs. (One of the men come out with a gun.) Look out! (Prue uses her power and the guy lands into a pile of boxes.) [Cut to upstairs.] Tony: (to his men) I'll take her. You shoot anyone that comes through that door. (He unties Piper's hands. Phoebe and Prue walk up the stairs. Prue uses her power on the men. Tony shoots at Prue and Phoebe and Piper freezes the bullet in mid-air.) Prue: Thanks, sis. (Prue and Phoebe untie Piper.) Mark: How long does this last again? Piper: Not very. (Tony unfreezes and the bullet hits a statue.) Tony: Who are you people? (Prue uses her power and Tony falls down the stairs. Tony runs outside and the police pull up.) Andy: Police! Freeze! (Tony fires his gun and Andy shoots him. Prue, Piper, Phoebe and Mark walk out onto the balcony. Piper: I've never seen anybody killed before. Prue: Jeremy. Phoebe: Javna. Piper: I mean human. Prue: Come on, let's get out of here before Andy sees us. (Tony's spirit floats out of his body. Prue, Piper, Phoebe and Mark run down an alley and Tony follows. They stop.) Mark: Wong. Tony: But you're dead. Mark: Yeah, so are you. (Yama appears on his horse and holding a spear.) Piper: Mark, I think you should get outta here. (Mark grabs Tony.) Mark: Make a wish, you b*st*rd. (He pushes Tony into Yama's spear. The spear sucks him up. Yama moves closer to Mark. Piper stands in front of Mark.) Piper: No, you can't take him. He's a good man, he doesn't belong with you. (Yama hesitates and then disappears.) [Scene: Mark's funeral. Mark is there watching his mother. Prue, Piper and Phoebe are standing near by.] Minister: We are here to celebrate the joy of Mark's life and the redemption of his spiritual journey. Mark: (to his mother) All those stories, all those legends you taught me, you saved my soul, mum. You were right. (He walks over to Prue, Piper and Phoebe.) Take it from me, Prue, don't miss your birthday. Not any of them, they're precious. Prue: I won't. Mark: (to Piper) I wished. Piper: I know, me too. (He holds his hand close to her face.) Mark: I'm gonna miss you, Piper. (A man appears in the distance.) Phoebe: Who's that man? Mark: (smiles) My dad. I guess this really is goodbye. (Mark walks over to his dad and they disappear.) Piper: (crying) Leave it to me to fall for a dead guy. Phoebe: It's an improvement. At least he wasn't a warlock. Piper: Yeah. [Scene: Manor. Prue, Piper and Phoebe walk inside.] Prue: You know what? I've changed my mind. Maybe I should have a party after all. Phoebe: Are you serious? Prue: Yeah, why not? I mean, Mark is right. Piper: Well, Prue, I'm glad you said that 'cause... (They walk in the living room and there stands a room full of people.) Everyone: Surprise! Piper: Did I getcha? I gotcha. Prue: Yeah, you got me. Piper: Yeah. Phoebe: And an actual present too. It's paid for. (She hands Prue a present.) I hope you like it. Prue: I'm speechless. (They hug. Prue sees Andy standing across the room. They smile at each other.)

Piper encounters and eventually develops romantic feelings for the amiable ghost of a recently murdered Chinese-American man named Mark Chao ( John Cho ), who needs her help to be properly buried before an ancient Chinese spirit, Yama, can harvest his soul, and to settle the score with the Chinese gangster who had killed Mark in order to fake his own death to evade the police. Phoebe takes a job as a hotel psychic to pay for Prue's birthday present, and when foreseeing the death of a hotel guest, she has to try to keep him from being hit by a car. In the end, Piper exposes the criminal who is killed by Andy in self-defense. The being Yama appears and Mark throws the criminal's soul to him, sending him to Hell. Piper is able to convince Yama to leave Mark alone and after his burial, he moves on after saying a tearful goodbye. The encounter with Mark causes Prue to change her mind about celebrating her birthday and her sisters throw her a surprise party back at the Manor.

fd_Once_Upon_A_Time_05x05

fd_Once_Upon_A_Time_05x05_0

[PREVIOUSLY_ON] Merlin: Don't do it, Emma. Young Emma: How do you know my name? Merlin: I know many things. And I'm here to tell you, leave the sword alone. Squire: I would do anything for my kingdom. King Arthur: Which is why I need you to drink this. Your death will be the cornerstone of a great new kingdom. Mary Margaret: We can't trust Arthur. King Arthur: Pity your husband didn't listen when you tried to warn him. Mary Margaret: Turns out David was right. We can trust Arthur. Mr. Gold: You could just set me free. Emma: The only one who can get me that sword is you. Mr. Gold: I-I can't. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Camelot. Many years ago. [SCENE_BREAK] ( Wind whistling ) ( Whooshes ) Merlin: Dark One? Dark One! ( Whooshes ) Merlin: Enough! I command you to stop! You destroyed her. The only woman I ever loved. And now... I will destroy you. ( Merlin pauses, unable to plunge the knife into the Dark One. The Dark One uses magic to force Merlin to the ground. ) Merlin: My god. ( Sobs ) I miss her. ( Breathing heavily ) ( The Dark One captures Merlin's tear on the dagger. Merlin turns into a tree. ) ( Crackling ) ( Birds chirping ) [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Camelot. Six weeks ago. Merlin's tree. [SCENE_BREAK] ( Emma is looking at Merlin's memories with a dream catcher. ) [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Camelot. Six weeks ago. Regina's room. [SCENE_BREAK] Regina: ( Sighs ) You really think giving the dagger to Arthur is the best way to help Emma? Mary Margaret: We trust him. David: Implicitly. Regina: Did you learn those big words at shepherd school? How do you know you can trust him? David: Because we're good judges of character. And we would never act against Emma's best interest. Mary Margaret: Is the dagger in there? ( Regina pulls the dagger from a tree stump. ) Regina: ( Sighs ) Are you sure handing the one thing that can control your daughter over to Arthur is the right thing to do? Mary Margaret: Have you lost the power of comprehension? Hand over the da... ( whoosh ) ( Emma freezes her parents with magic. ) Regina: What are you doing? When did you get so liberal with dark magic? Emma: No choice. Arthur has them under some kind of spell. He wants them to bring him the dagger. He wants to reunite it with Excalibur. Regina: Unite it? Emma: It was once one blade. It was broken in half a long, long time ago. Regina: What happens when they're together? Emma: He wants to kill Merlin with it. I don't have to tell you how bad that would be for all of us. Regina: How do you know this? How do I know this isn't the darkness in you rearing its head? Emma: It's true. We don't have a lot of time. Arthur's expecting them soon. Regina: He's the king. So you want to take on all of Camelot? Emma: I want to free Merlin first. Then I can help my parents and stop Arthur. Regina: That's a great plan, but we have no idea how to get him out of the tree. Emma: You already said it... Dark magic. Regina: No. You can't keep using it. Emma: It's a risk I'm willing to take. Regina: Careful, Emma. I've been on that slippery slope. You know where it got me. Emma: All due respect... I'm not you. ( Whoosh ) [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Storybrooke. Present time. Jail. [SCENE_BREAK] Hook: So he just... vanished? Robin Hood: Could it be magic? Uh, your squire... did he wield such power? King Arthur: Not that I ever saw. David: Well, there's no sign of tampering. King Arthur: Then he must have lied about having the bean. Must've hidden it on his person somewhere and used it to escape. Queen Guinevere: How could he be so selfish? We could all be home right now. King Arthur: Desperate times. Queen Guinevere: Our people want so badly to return. We must do something to raise their spirits. The despair of being away... that's what caused all this. Who knows what else it can lead to? Mary Margaret: Well, you're right people need hope. And as your hosts and leaders of this town, it is up to us to provide it. Regina: What do you have in mind? ( Cellphone chimes ) Henry: How about a dance? David: A dance, huh? ( Inhales sharply ) Looking for an excuse to ask your girlfriend out on a date? Regina: Girlfriend? What girlfriend? Henry: She's not my girlfriend. Regina: Who's not your girlfriend? Mary Margaret: I think a dance is exactly what we need. Regina: Henry, who's this girlfriend? Hook: Well, if it's dating tips you need, lad, I know my way around women. Regina: Over your dead body. Mary Margaret: Regina! Let's start planning. I think it is time Storybrooke had a ball. ( Sighs ) Regina: So, who is this girlfriend? What do you know about her? Mary Margaret: Belle. What is it? Belle: It's, uh, it's Rumple. Mary Margaret: What happened? Belle: He's missing. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Storybrooke. Present time. Emma's house. Basement. [SCENE_BREAK] Emma: Better eat up. ( Whoosh ) Emma: You're gonna need your strength if you're going to remove the sword. ( Breathing heavily ) Mr. Gold: I, uh, I won't be able to do that. You should really just let me go. Please. I-I need to see Belle. Emma: You're not going anywhere until you get me my sword. Mr. Gold: Well, you have so much power. W-w-why do you need Excalibur? Emma: Tell me, when you were the Dark One, did you advertise your plans? Mr. Gold: My plans were always hidden. But my reasons were not. Every time I used magic, I told myself it was all for my son... to protect him. Emma: How noble. Mr. Gold: Despite my best intentions... I still lost him. Emma: I'm stronger than you were. Mr. Gold: Well, that... that really doesn't matter. The more you justify what you're doing, the more you push them away. And take it from me... you will always lose the ones you love the most. Emma: Merida. Merida: Yes, Dark One? Emma: Get him out of my sight. Take him to the woods and begin. Merida: How long do you think you can hold my heart and threaten me? Emma: As long as it takes me to get what I want. Merida: Maybe. But I'm thinking I can break your spell! ( Gasps ) ( Heart beating ) Emma: Now take him to the woods... and make me a hero. ( Gasping ) ( Whoosh ) ( Emma uses magic to transport them to the woods. She walks down her back stairs into the garage, which is filled with dream catchers. She pulls down one brown dream catcher with three seashells and brown, yellow, and white features. Emma cries. ) [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Camelot. Six weeks ago. Merlin's tower. [SCENE_BREAK] Emma: First, we need to know how the potion you've been working on will react to my dark magic. Bring me the vial. Regina: I'm not doing a damn thing until you tell me how you knew David and Mary Margaret were under a spell. Emma: We don't have time for this. Regina: Make time. Emma: Fine. I saw it in this... A dreamcatcher. Regina: Emma, this is dark magic. Emma: I know. Regina: These things catch more than dreams. Emma: I know. Regina: And you have to wave it over someone to capture a memory. Emma: I don't. This dark magic is stronger, more unpredictable than any magic I've ever used. The image just appeared. It showed me what Arthur did to them. Look, it's gonna be okay. The dreamcatcher also showed me a memory that's going to help us. Merlin's. I saw him. Merlin wept for the loss of the only woman he ever loved moments before the Dark One trapped him in the tree... using one of his tears. Regina: Emma, that's it. Sometimes, spells are like snakebites. You can make the antivenom with the venom. If a tear of lost love trapped Merlin... Then another one might be able to get him out. So, what do you say? Let's go get ourselves a tear. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Camelot. Six weeks ago. Stables [SCENE_BREAK] Henry: So, how long have you had Nicodemus? Violet: My mother gave him to me for my seventh birthday. She was a champion rider. But, um... she passed away before I even learned to gallop. Henry: My dad died before I really got the chance to know him. There's just so much I wish I could tell him. You know? Violet: Yes. I do know. ( Sighs ) I've never met anyone I could talk to about this before. I should put Nico's saddle away. I'll be right back. Henry: What's that, lady Violet? If I pull Excalibur from this stone, I will be forever your hero? ( Clank ) ( Chuckles ) ( Nicodemus snorts, whinnies ) [Henry attempts to raise the sword over his head, and falls over backwards through a board in the rail. Morgan: What is going on in here? You're one of those visitors, aren't you? From the other land. Ah, yes. You're the one who's been running around with my daughter. Henry: Uh, Henry. You're Violet's father? Morgan: You may address me as "Sir Morgan." How old are you, boy? Henry: 13, sir. Morgan: And no skills with a sword or a horse? What sort of squire are you? Henry: I'm... I'm not a squire, sir. I'm a writer. Morgan: A writer. Tell me, boy... when this kingdom is attacked by ogres, will you protect my daughter with your pen? Violet belongs with someone who will become a knight, a hero who understands this world... someone like her. Now get out of here before you cause any more damage. ( Whoosh ) [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Storybrooke. Present time. Main Street. [SCENE_BREAK] Henry: Hey. Did you see my text? About the block party. Violet: Oh, yes. Um... Henry: Everything okay? Violet: I'm afraid I'm not in the mood for parties. My horse ran off this morning. Henry: Oh... oh, no. Did you check the stables? Violet: He's gone. My father's out right now trying to lure Nico with some pumpkin. It's his favorite treat. Henry: It's okay. He'll come back. The town isn't that big. Maybe tonight will help you get your mind off of it. Violet: Henry, I can't go dancing or go to a party or anything... not while he's still out there. Henry: I'm gonna find your horse, Violet. And I know just the person to help. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Storybrooke. Present time. Emma's house. Porch. [SCENE_BREAK] ( Knock on door ) Henry: Do you remember why I first brought you to Storybrooke? Emma: Of course... Operation Cobra. Bring back all the happy endings. Henry: Well, your mission isn't over. Emma: Henry, things are different now. Henry: They don't have to be. Show me that the mom I know is still in there somewhere. Emma: She is. This is me. Henry: Then prove it. Help me return my friend's happy ending. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Storybrooke. Present time. Woods. [SCENE_BREAK] Merida: Don't think about running. With that limp, you wouldn't make it 10 feet. Pick up the bloody sword and let's make a hero of you. Mr. Gold: But I-I can barely stand, much less fight someone. ( Sword tapping ) ( Sword sheathes ) ( Grunts ) ( Merida takes a branch from the ground and hands it to Mr. Gold. ) Merida: Now you can stand. All a man needs is a sword and one good hand. You've got both, so pick it up. ( Grunts ) ( Swords clang ) Mr. Gold: Look, t-this is useless. If she wants me to pull Excalibur, then... then let me try. When I fail, she can move on. Merida: When you fail, there's no moving on. You turn to dust. Mr. Gold: What do you care what happens to me? Merida: I don't! I care what happens to me! And my brothers and my kingdom... none of which I can help while this goes on. So whether you like it or not, you're going to get me home. Mr. Gold: I can never be brave. Merida: Me whole fate rests in a coward's hands. It's really come to this? Yes, you will be. You have to. Mr. Gold: You have the wrong man. Merida: Well, if words won't drive you, we'll have to figure another way, now, won't we? There has to be something. And I'm gonna find it. ( Thud ) ( Merida knocks Mr. Gold out with the hilt of her sword. ) [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Storybrooke. Present time. In front of Emma's house. [SCENE_BREAK] Emma: So, the horse likes pumpkin, huh? Henry: Yeah. Violet's dad is out trying to lure it with some. Emma: Back in my bail-bondsperson days, I caught a guy because he loved pizza, but I didn't walk around randomly holding a slice of pepperoni. There is a better way. Henry: I've missed this... us. Operation Cobra. Emma: Me too. ( Emma and Henry get into Emma's yellow bug. ) Emma: So, tell me about you and Violet. Henry: She's okay. We like some of the same stuff. Emma: Like what? Henry: I played her some music, and she was into it. Emma: What did you play? Henry: Yaz. Emma: What song? Henry: "Only You." Emma: Did your dad teach you that move? Henry: He said it always works. Emma: Did with me. He loved that song. Henry: It's a good song. Emma: Yeah, it is. ( Engine turns over ) Emma: Okay. Let's get your girl's horse. I have a good idea where to start. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Camelot. Six weeks ago. Woods. [SCENE_BREAK] ( Henry is practicing swinging a sword. ) ( Grunts ) ( Sword clatters ) Regina: Henry! Careful. ( Grunts ) Henry: Hey... Moms. I was, uh... getting in the Camelot spirit. You know... trying to understand this world. Emma: By sword fighting? Henry: W-well, Sir Morgan, Violet's father, had a little advice for me to fit in. That's all. Trouble is, I'm not sure if I'm ever gonna be good at this knight stuff. Emma: Well, if you're not, you're not, but... changing so someone likes you never works. I mean, I... I liked your dad because he was always himself. Henry: But... but maybe, if I try, I could be something better than I am. ( Henry looks at Regina. ) Henry: If you didn't change for the better, you wouldn't be with Robin. Regina: True. But do you really think a girl from Camelot would be interested in someone who's just like every other boy around here? Remember when I told you about Daniel? Henry: Yeah. Your first love. Regina: Mm-hmm. And it wasn't because he tried to impress me by being like the others. It was because he was so different... So unique. Emma: Henry, in Camelot, you're a mysterious stranger from an exotic land. That's a good thing. Henry: I think I can work with that. Thanks. I have to go make a few arrangements. Regina: Emma. I think I might know where to get our missing ingredient to free Merlin. From me. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Camelot. Six weeks ago. Regina's room. [SCENE_BREAK] Emma: All right, Regina. This is going to be intense. Last chance to back out. Regina: I can take it. Emma: Look into the circle. ( Whoosh ) [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: The Enchanted Forest. Many years ago. Stables at Cora's castle. [SCENE_BREAK] Cora: So, this is your decision? This will make you happy? Regina: It already has. Cora: Then who am I to stop you? Regina: Thank you, Mother. Cora: Daniel. If you want to have a life together, a family, then there's one important lesson I can impart on you. It's what it means to be a parent. You always have to do what's best for your children. ( Cora moves to take Daniel's heart and kill him. ) ( Groans ) ( Gasping ) Regina: Mother! ( Sobbing ) No! No! [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Camelot. Six weeks ago. Regina's room. [SCENE_BREAK] Emma: I'm sorry. Regina: ( Sobs ) It was like it was happening all over again. ( Sobs ) ( Gasps ) ( Emma captures Regina's tear. ) Emma: Got it. Thank you. I didn't know how things were for you. I... didn't know... Regina: You could see it, too? Emma: I'm so sorry. I don't understand how a mother could do something like that. Regina: ( Scoffs ) She thought it was for the best. ( Sighs ) ( Whoosh ) [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Storybrooke. Present time. Emma's house. Porch [SCENE_BREAK] Regina: Showtime. Henry says he's got Emma occupied. Hook: You told Henry what we're doing? Regina: No, but he'll let us know when she's headed back. Let's do this. ( Regina reaches for the door knob and is repelled by magic. ) ( Crackle ) Regina: Oh! Robin Hood: You okay? Regina: Protection spell. Hook: It would appear she doesn't want you trespassing. Regina: ( Sighs ) You want to try, Pirate? Hook: Well, I know she doesn't want me to. Belle: Henry. She'd let Henry in. Do you have anything of his on you? Regina: I do now. ( Lock clicks ) ( Chuckles ) Regina: Thank you, Henry. You're our hero. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Camelot. Six weeks ago. Granny's. Henry sets a cloth table with fancy silverware and flowers. He lights a candle. [SCENE_BREAK] ( Yaz's "Only You" plays ) Looking from a window above It's like a story of love Came back only yesterday I'm moving farther away Want you near me Violet: ( Giggles ) All I needed was the love you gave Henry: Uh... hi, m'lady. I mean, uh, Violet. I mean... P-please sit down. Violet: ( Chuckles ) Thank you. Sometimes when I think of her name When it's only a game Violet: I was really happy to get your note. I was worried when you disappeared from the stables. Henry: You were? Violet: Yes. ( Stammers ) You wanted me to worry? Henry: Yes. I mean, no. I mean... are you thirsty? Violet: ( Chuckles ) Sure. And all I ever knew ( Soda can tab pops ) Violet: Is that magic? Henry: No. It's soda. Here. Violet: ( Giggles ) It's like a carnival in a can. ( Laughs ) Henry: ( Chuckles ) ( Chuckles nervously ) So, uh, this is Granny's. It's pretty great. She had some lasagna in the fridge that didn't go bad, so I was able to heat it up. Violet: You really are from another world. Henry: Is... is that okay? Violet: Yeah, it's great. Henry: So, I thought after dinner, we could watch a movie. Ah. It's easier if I show you. On my phone. The screen's small, but here... look. Henry: ( Chuckles ) If I'd known I was coming, I would've loaded more, but I brought "Commando" and "Harold and Maude." We'll do "Harold and Maude." It's a good date movie, I think. Violet: A date? What's that? Henry: It's, uh... Never mind. Violet: Are you... courting me? Henry: Uh... Maybe. Violet: Uh... you're sweet. But... Henry: Oh, no. Violet: I just don't think I feel the same way about you as you do me. Henry: Your father told you what happened, didn't he? Violet: What? No. I mean, yes, he did mention he met you, but no, that's not it. Henry: He doesn't think I'm a hero. Well, I am. Violet: Henry, please... Listen, I-i thought we were just spending time together as... as friends. And... I liked it better that way. I'm sorry. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Storybrooke. Present time. Mayor's office. Merida slams the Once Upon a Time book onto the desk. [SCENE_BREAK] ( Thud ) ( Merida turns to the page where Rumplestiltskin is holding the chipped tea cup in front of Belle. ) ( Book closes ) [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Storybrooke. Present time. Gold's shop. [SCENE_BREAK] ( Arrow thuds into the door and unlocks it. ) ( Breathes deeply ) Merida: There we go. That'll do. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Storybrooke. Present time. Peter's Pumpkin Stand. [SCENE_BREAK] Henry: Mom, this is genius! Emma: Yeah, when the first curse ended, this Peter guy opened this place. I wouldn't have known about it, but it got so many noise complaints. Guess "Peter Peter" likes his parties. Hadn't thought of it till you mentioned the pumpkins, though. ( Nicodemus whinnies ) Henry: Violet wasn't kidding. Look! Emma: Would you look at that. Come on. ( Neighing. Nicodemus shies away from Emma. ) Emma: Careful, Henry. I got this. ( Neighs ) Henry: Mom, I guess you need to step back and let me handle this. ( Neighs ) Emma: I didn't do anything. Henry: You're the Dark One. Now get back. ( Nicodemus snorting, stamping ) Emma: Henry... Henry: It's okay. I got it. ( Grunts ) Henry: It's okay, Nicodemus. Come here, boy. It's okay, Nicodemus. Come here, boy. Come here. Yeah. Here you go. ( Henry lures the horse in by holding a bit of pumpkin towards the horse's mouth while his other hand reaches for the reins. ) Henry: There we go. See? Told ya. Emma: Now that you've got your girl's horse, don't you have a dance to get to? [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Storybrooke. Present time. Emma's house. Basement. [SCENE_BREAK] ( Regina, David, Belle, and Hook see Excalibur in the stone. ) Regina: Now we know why she didn't want you down here. Hook: Indeed. I don't think she wants anyone to see this, and I think I know the reason why. Take a gander. Excalibur looks quite familiar. ( Gasps ) Belle: The dagger. It's the... the same design, the same edges. Regina: What the hell does she want with this? And with Gold. What is she up to? Robin Hood: Well, given our missing memories, I'd wager whatever it is, it's not good. Hook: Let's take a better look at the damn thing and find out. ( Hook reaches for the sword's hilt. ) Regina: Stop! I can't believe I'm about to say this, but it could be booby-trapped. You could get killed. Hook: Oh. I didn't know you cared. Regina: I don't. But right now, you're useful... ish. ( Bell walks over to the gate behind the sword. ) ( Sighs ) Belle: He was here. Rumple was here. Robin Hood: And now he's gone. Let's try searching the rest of the house. ( Cellphone chimes ) Regina: No time. It's Henry. She's on her way back. ( Hook sees something as the rest of the crew are going out the front door. ) Regina: Hey. What are you doing? ( Hook opens a box to reveal a brown dreamcatcher with three seashells and brown and white feathers. ) Robin Hood: What the hell is that? Hook: It's a dreamcatcher. Baelfire gave her one similar to this a long time ago. But this, it's different. Belle: Wait a minute. Why would she have it? Regina: Because they can be more than just objects of folklore. When imbued with magic, they can be quite powerful. I think I know how Emma took our memories. ( Whoosh ) [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Camelot. Six weeks ago. Merlin's tree. [SCENE_BREAK] Regina: Go on, Emma. Do it. Arthur could be here any second. ( Sizzling ) Regina: And now for the final ingredient... the tear. ( Gasps ) ( The potion poofs, smokes, and then the smoke goes back into the pot. ) Regina: It should've worked. It should have worked! Emma: Regina... it's simple. Your heartbreak wasn't strong enough. Regina: ( Scoffs ) What?! Emma: No, no, I know it was real. But there's Robin now. You've moved on. You've healed. Henry: Hey. Sorry I'm late. Emma: Henry, are you okay? Henry: Yeah, I'm... I'm fine. Regina: No, you're not. What happened? Emma: Henry? Henry: I don't want to talk about it. Emma: You can tell us anything. Henry: I tried doing what you said. I tried acting like myself. ( Voice breaking ) But she didn't want anything to do with me. Emma: Henry. Henry: Violet's right. In this world, I'll never be a hero. Regina: You may not be a hero in her world... But you will be in ours. ( Sighs ) This'll work. This tear. Your tear, Henry. Henry: It can free Merlin? Emma: You can save me, kid. Henry: ( Sniffles ) King Arthur: Stop! Stay away from the tree. I won't ask twice. You and your people have done nothing but lie to me ever since you got here. You're no savior. You're a fraud. Regina: Go ahead. Call me a fraud again. I dare you. King Arthur: We welcomed you, celebrated you. And in return, you bring the Dark One into the heart of my kingdom, endangering all who live here. Give me the dagger! Regina: You want it? Come and get it. Now, Emma. ( Sizzling ) Emma: It's working! King Arthur: Charge! ( Grunts ) ( Breathing heavily ) ( Panting ) ( Emma uses both light and dark magic to free Merlin, while Regina shoots magical fireballs at King Arthur and his knights. ) Merlin: I've been waiting for you... Emma. Merlin: And you... The boy who would be king. My great hope. How you've disappointed me. King Arthur: I disappointed you? You gave me false prophecies. Sent me on an impossible quest! You ruined my life! Merlin: Put it away, Arthur. We both know that broken sword can't hurt me. King Arthur: This is not finished. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Storybrooke. Present time. Main Street. Harvest Festival. [SCENE_BREAK] ( Indistinct conversations, laughter, dance music plays ) King Arthur: She had Excalibur? Hook: Trapped in a stone in her basement. King Arthur: Well, then we need to get it back at once. It would be disastrous if the Dark One took possession of it. Hook: That have anything to do with its striking resemblance to the Dark One dagger? King Arthur: How do you know about the dagger? Hook: I've spent a lifetime trying to end the Dark One's existence. I know much about the dagger. What I don't know about is your blade. Care to enlighten us? King Arthur: Yes. There's a reason they resemble each other. They were forged as one weapon and then broken in two. I've spent years trying to reunite them. Mary Margaret: That's why you were so interested in the dagger when you arrived. King Arthur: I apologize for not telling you sooner, but I had to make sure I could trust you. The restored weapon has great power. It can eradicate all dark magic forever. David: That's a good thing. King Arthur: Of course. But in the wrong hands, it can also destroy all light magic. Hook: That's her plan. To snuff out the Light forever. Mary Margaret: What happened in Camelot? How did Emma fall so far? ( Wheel clicks, crow caws, bell rings ) Morgan: Just try to have some fun tonight, okay? ( Bell dings ) ( Nicodemus whinnies as Henry rides him up to Morgan and Violet ) Violet: Henry. Henry, you did it. Morgan: Well done, lad. Well done. Henry, this is my father, Sir Morgan. Father, this is Henry. Morgan: You've made my daughter very happy. We owe you a great deal of thanks. Henry: It was nothing, sir. Morgan: Heroic and humble. ( Laughs ) You're a good man, Henry. You'll make a fine knight someday. Henry: Thank you, sir. Morgan: Now, you two... enjoy the festivities. ( Chuckles ) Violet: Thank you, Henry. ( Giggles ) [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Storybrooke. Present time. Woods. [SCENE_BREAK] Merida: Well. Glad to see the bears didn't get ya. Mr. Gold: Please. Please. I-I... I can't fight. Merida: No. You won't fight. Big difference. You know, my father used to say, "if you want a lad to fight, give him something to fight for." Mr. Gold: W-what are you doing? Merida: Oh. Reminding you what you have to fight for. ( Merida reveals the chipped teacup, dangling from her pinky. ) Mr. Gold: Where did you get that? Merida: Oh, means something to you, doesn't it? Oh! If you want it, you're gonna have to fight me for it. ( Merida throws Mr. Gold a sword. He throws it away, and reaches for the cup. Merida kicks out his staff and legs. ) Mr. Gold: Gahh! Merida: Oh! I see it's chipped, eh? Ohhh. Must be fragile. We wouldn't want to drop it, now, would we? Mr. Gold: No, please. Please don't. Don't. Ohh! Merida: So, what happened? Did your Belle see the yellow-bellied man you really are? I bet you she did, didn't she? Ooh! That had to sting! ( Grunts loudly ) ( Mr. Gold attacks Merida with a sword. ) Merida: Oh! Did you feel that? ( Panting ) Mr. Gold: Feel what? Merida: That swing right there! You weren't thinking of yourself or the limp. You were thinking of her. That was an act of true bravery. Ready to try again? Eh? Eh? ( Grunts angrily ) Merida: Good! Because we've got a long way to go before you're ready to take on Emma. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Storybrooke. Present time. Regina's house. [SCENE_BREAK] Regina: If Emma used this to rip our memories, maybe it can tell us what happened in Camelot. Robin Hood: Well, what are we waiting for? You're afraid of what you might see, aren't you? Regina: Emma clearly thought she had good reason for what she did. Who knows what happened to us there? Robin Hood: Well... ( sighs ) There's only one way to find out. ( Sighs ) ( Whoosh ) ( The dreamcatcher shows Henry and Violet in the stables. ) Violet: I'm Violet. Henry: Henry. Robin Hood: Are these Henry's memories? Regina: No. No, I think it's that girl he has a crush on. ( Henry starts to walk into the room, and goes silent before Regina and Robin can notice him. ) [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Camelot. Six weeks ago. Stables [SCENE_BREAK] ( Violet reads a note from Henry that reads, "Dear Violet, Meet me this evening at Granny's Diner. I have a surprise for you. Henry" ) Violet: ( Chuckles ) Emma: Violet. Can you keep a secret? Violet: ( Chuckles ) Of course. Emma: Good. Because Henry can never know about this. ( Emma takes Violet's heart. ) Violet: ( Gasps ) Emma: Violet, listen. Violet: ( Gasps ) Emma: You will get this back. I just need your help first. Violet: W-w-what do you need? I need the tear of a lost first love... a fresh tear. Emma: ( Voice breaking ) I need you to break Henry's heart. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Storybrooke. Present time. Regina's house. [SCENE_BREAK] Regina: Wha... ( Henry drops his bag of popcorn. ) Regina: Henry. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Camelot. Six weeks ago. Granny's Diner. [SCENE_BREAK] Merlin: There. That should do it. Mary Margaret: Emma. We're so sorry. David: If we would have known how bad Arthur was... we never would have confronted him on our own. Emma: It's okay. I'm just glad Merlin could help. David: Merlin? Y-you're... Merlin? Merlin: Expecting someone... David: Older. Merlin: ( Sighs ) Yes. Well, let's just say that being a tree... good for your skin. Hook: Well, now that the Great Sorcerer is among us, maybe he'll tell us. Can you do what your apprentice said? Can you free Emma from the darkness? Merlin: Sure. But with a caveat. Darkness like this takes a hold of a person, find its way deep inside, where nobody else can see. So if I am to free you from its grasp, I must know one thing. Emma, is your heart truly ready to be free? Because it is as much up to you as me. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Storybrooke. Regina's house. Porch. [SCENE_BREAK] ( Knock on door ) Regina: Emma. Emma: Hello. Regina: What the hell is going on? What are you doing? Emma: I'm here to see Henry. Regina: You know that's not what I mean. You took our memories, and now Gold. What are you trying to do? Emma. There is nothing you can't come back from if you just tell us. Emma: What I'm doing is my business, but it's for the best. Trust me. Regina: I was starting to. And, like Henry, I was seeing the good in you. But I was wrong. I thought you could be different. I thought you could escape the darkness. But then you had to go and rip a 13-year-old girl's heart out. Emma: What? ( Regina shows Emma the dreamcatcher. ) Emma: Now you're breaking and entering? Regina: Oh, no. You don't get to be self-righteous with me. Not after what you've done. Henry saw what you did. He's devastated. Emma: I was trying to make it up to him. Regina: Make it up to him? By reuniting a girl and her horse? Oh, let me guess. You let the damn thing out in the first place. You forget... I have some experience with Dark Ones. Everything's a manipulation. Emma: It all would've been fine if you could've just helped yourself and stayed out of it. Maybe you're the one causing pain. Regina: Wow. Listen to you trying to justify everything. If I'm the one on the moral high ground, you've fallen quite a ways, Ms. Swan. Emma: Don't "Ms. Swan" me. We've been through too much. You know I never would have done that to Henry if I didn't have good reason. Regina: "Good reason." You know, that's exactly what my mother said to justify what she did to Daniel. Emma: What I did in Camelot, I did to protect Henry. Regina: She thought she was protecting me, too. Emma: I didn't have a choice. Regina: There's always a choice, Emma. You've said that to me a thousand times. Emma: We were running out of time. It was the only way to free Merlin. Regina: Merlin? Wait... we freed Merlin in Camelot? But if that's true, why are you still the Dark One? Emma: This is a waste of time. I want to see my son. Regina: Well, I don't think he wants to see you. Goodbye, Ms. Swan. ( Door closes )

In Camelot, Emma discovers how Merlin became a tree, so she and Regina race against time to find a tear of lost first love to release him, before Arthur stops them. At the same time Henry tries to prove to Violet that he can be heroic after confronting her father Sir Morgan, but a dinner date turns into a heartbreaker for Henry, which leads to his tear being used to free Merlin. Even as Arthur vows to get even, Merlin agrees to help Emma free her from the darkness. In Storybrooke, Emma sends Gold and Merida into the woods so Gold can become the hero, but after seeing how cowardly he is, Merida takes the chipped cup and uses it to bring out his bravery. As Henry convinced Emma to help Violet look for her horse, Regina, Hook, Robin, and Belle sneak into Emma's home and discover not just Excalibur, but the dreamcatcher, where Regina discovers Violet's memories, in which Emma used her to break Henry's heart back in Camelot in order to obtain Henry's teardrop. Regina and Henry both feel betrayed by Emma and shut her out of their life.

fd_The_Office_03x02

fd_The_Office_03x02_0

Michael: Pam? Pam: Yeah? Michael: Did you see Oprah yesterday? Pam: No, I didn't. Michael: I, uh... I am going to be a father. Pam: What was Oprah about? Michael: Angelina Jolie was on. And she adopted a baby from Asia, and she said that it changed her life. And that really inspired me. So, I want you to look into seeing how much a little Chinese baby would cost. Pam: That's a really big decision. Michael: I know. Pam: Maybe you should wait before you adopt. Michael: Well... Pam: Or not adopt. Michael: Just do it, okay? Pam: Roy's sister looked into it, and the application alone costs a thousand dollars. Michael: Um... find out if there's a cheaper, less expensive baby out there, okay? Pam: You know, she also said the waiting list is like eight months. Michael: Eight months? Pam: Yeah. Michael: I don't even know if I'll want a baby in eight months. Pam: You probably won't. Michael: You know what, Pam? If in ten years, I haven't had a baby, and you haven't had a baby... Pam: No, Michael. Michael: Twenty years. Pam: No, Michael. Michael: Thirty. Pam: Sure. Michael: It's a deal. [SCENE_BREAK] Ryan: All right. Three pairs of pants. Three pairs of socks. Three packs of condoms. Michael: Yesh. Ryan: Uh, fun jeans. Michael: Right there. Ah. Angela: Sign. Michael: Per diem. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Guess where I am going. I will give you a hint. It is a booze-fueled s*x romp, where anything goes. You are correct, sir! I am headed to Philadelphia for the Annual Northeastern Mid-Market Office Supply Convention. And Jim Halpert is going to be coming, which will be fun. Poor little guy. He's been stuck working under Josh, the poor man's Michael Scott, as he is known around my condo. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: Don't be mad, it is a business trip. Angela: But I don't understand. It's for managers. Dwight: Monkey, I am an A. R. M., Assistant Regional Manager. Angela: I know! It... I was just really hoping we could spend some time together. [A long silence.] Are you still there? Dwight: Yes, Monkey. Angela: Don't "Monkey" me! You can't wait to get out of here, A. R. M. [SCENE_BREAK] Angela: In the Martin family, we like to say, "Looks like someone took the slow train from Philly." That's code for "check out the slut." What is... why are there flies in here? [SCENE_BREAK] Kelly: Oh my God! Are you so excited for tonight? I am so excited. You guys are going to click, I can feel it. So what are you wearing? Pam: This. Kelly: You look so pretty. Pam: Thank you. [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: Yes, I have a date. He's a cartoonist for the local paper, which is really neat, because I like to draw too. I'm kind of nervous. I haven't been on a first date in nine years... probably shouldn't broadcast that. [SCENE_BREAK] Kelly: Well, remember, no matter how much you may want to, do not sleep with him on the first date. It gives him all the power. Michael: Sleep with who? Whom, whom... whom? Kelly: My neighbor Alan. They're going on a date tonight. Michael: Oh, wow! Oh my God, I have a great idea. You know what you should do to be hilarious? Wear your wedding dress. It would be a great icebreaker. Dwight: And your veil. Michael: Yeah, do it! Pam: I'll probably just wear this. Michael: Really? Okay. Well, word of advice[/b]: unbutton that top button. Let those things breathe. Any message you want me to relate to Jim? Pam: Um... Michael: Um. Okay, um. Dwight: Um. Michael: You got that? Dwight: I got it. Michael: Write it down. Dwight: I got it. Dwight: Um. Michael: Um. Dwight and Michael: [singing] Um, um, um... [SCENE_BREAK] Creed: There's my girl. I noticed you handing out some shekels. How would one get on that train? Angela: That was for per diem, for Philadelphia. Meredith: That town smells like cheese steaks. Angela: That town is full of history! Creed: Andrea's the office bitch. You'll get used to her. [introducing himself] Creed. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: Can I have my neck pillow back? Michael! Can I have my neck pillow back? [SCENE_BREAK] Josh: Hey, Michael. Michael: Hey, Josh, how ya doing? Josh: Pretty good. Michael: Good to see you. There he is! There's the traitor! Traitor! Traitor! Come here, you. Come here! Yeah! The product... the progidal... my son returns. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: I was shocked when he told me he was transferring to Stamford. It's like the firemen. You don't leave your brothers behind, even if you find out that there is a better fire in Connecticut. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: It's really good to see you, man. Michael: Yeah! Wow, I didn't expect that. It's good to see you too! Dwight: Oh, hey, how's it going up there? Have you made any sales yet? Jim: Yeah, sold about forty thousand. Michael: Hey! Dwight: Shut up. That's impossible. Jim: No, it's not. I did. Yep. Dwight: Well, I did it too. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: You know, when I saw Dwight, I realized how stupid and petty all those pranks I pulled on him were. And then he spoke. I wonder how hard it would be to get a copy of his room key. [SCENE_BREAK] Kevin: So did you hear? Toby: What? Kevin: Pam's back on the market again. Toby: Really? She's dating? Kevin: If I weren't engaged, I would so hit that. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: So what kind of commissions you get up there? Jim: Oh, Dwight. I've missed you so much. Dwight: You're so immature! [SCENE_BREAK] Josh: Listen, Michael, I heard you were a great salesman. Michael: Ah. Josh: And I just want to let you know that if our branch absorbs your branch, I'm going to look for a place for you at Stamford. Jan: Oh, hey! Dwight: Hey, Jan. Jan: We all checked in? Josh: Yes. Jan: Great, let's dump our stuff and meet back here in half an hour. Josh: Okay. Jan: Okay! Michael: Jan? Look, I think we need to set some ground rules. Jan: What are you talking about? Michael: The eight-hundred pound gorilla in the room. Carol. I'm still dating her, so nothing can happen between us at the convention. Jan: Step away from me, Michael. Michael: Thank you for being so brave with all of this. Thank you. [SCENE_BREAK] Kelly: Alan's cartoon is so funny, right? Pam: Mm-hmm. Kelly: And they're, like, so smart. I don't even know what they mean half the time. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: This party is going to be awesome. Michael: I know! That is specifically why I chose a room close to the elevator. More foot traffic. Dwight: Check it out. Michael: That is crooked on that side. Dwight: Wow. Michael: Hey hey! Jim: That is a lot of liquor. Michael: Yeah. Jim: And a dart board. Michael: Well, that's how we do it in Scranton. Or did you forget? There ain't no party like a Scranton party, 'cause a Scranton party don't stop. Josh: We should probably head on down and hook up with Jan. Michael: Hey, well, we have time! One for the road, gentlemen? Josh: A shot of MIDORI, perhaps. Jim: Oh, no, sorry, it's an inside joke. There's this bartender at Stamford who, uh... you know what? You'd just have to be there. Michael: Wish I was. I love inside jokes. I'd love to be a part of one someday. Josh: Um, we should... Jim: Yeah. Michael: All right, see you guys down there. Change your mind, come back up. Dwight: I'll do a shot, Michael. Michael: Ugh, that would be gross. It's not even lunch yet. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: SWAG! Stuff we all get. I basically decorated my condo for free with all of my SWAG. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Check it out. Hi, I'm Michael Scott, Dunder-Mifflin. Dwight: Dwight Schrute, Assistant Regional Manager, Dunder-Mifflin. Jerome Bettis: All right. Dwight: I'm a huge fan. Jerome Bettis: Thanks. I appreciate it, guys. Michael: You know what? I'm having a huge blowout tonight, Room 308. Hope you can come. Jerome Bettis: All right, maybe. If I can. Michael: Well, cool! Okay, so... can I tell people you're gonna be there? Jerome Bettis: No, you cannot. Michael: So maybe. See ya. Dwight: Why do they call him The Bus? Michael: Because he's afraid to fly. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: Smile! Michael: Do you remember me from last year? There's a party in my room, 308, can't miss it, right off the elevator. Tonight. Be there! [SCENE_BREAK] Josh: All right, Jan just emailed me. She wants us to meet her up front. Michael: Yep. Yeah, she's up front. Dwight: You don't have email on your phone. Michael: I don't have to, I just know. Yes, hello? Dwight: No one just called you. Josh: All right. Jim: All right, nice meeting you, Ted. Take care. Ted: I'll see you soon. Josh: Yeah, stop by later. Michael: [into phone] See you in a bit. Bye-bye. [to Dwight] May I have a moment of your time please? [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: I need you to do something for me. Dwight: Yes. Anything. Michael: I want you to dig up some dirt on Josh. Find out if there are any skeletons in his attic. Dwight: I'll talk to my buddy down at the station, stat. [SCENE_BREAK] Toby: Hey, Pam. Pam: Hey! What's up? Toby: It's, uh... I was... might ask if you wanted... Pam: [answering phone] Dunder-Mifflin, this is Pam. He's not in the office. Can I take a message? I will. You too. [hangs up] Sorry. What's up? Toby: Um, if, uh... um... I just completely forgot what I was going to say. It's so weird. Pam: Okay. Well, if you think of it, I'll be here. Toby: Okay. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: So I called my buddy down at the station today. Had them run a background check on Josh Porter. See if there's any known aliases, et cetera. Michael: And? Dwight: He wasn't volunteering today. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Business has been pretty crazy around the office. Jim: Oh yeah? Michael: Yeah. Moved Ryan over to your desk. Jim: Oh, tell him I say hi. Michael: I will call him later with that message. Jim: Hey, how is... Toby? Michael: Toby Flenderson is everything that is wrong with the paper industry. Is he why you left? Jim: Oh, no, it was... you know, a good opportunity for me, a promotion. I got a chance to... Michael: Opportunity, promotion, blah, blah. You know, Jim, those are just words. Have you taken into account other factors, vis-a-vis bosses? Is Josh funnier than I am? Does he even have a girlfriend? Because I have two, basically. Jim: Michael, it's really not a competition. [SCENE_BREAK] Josh: Jim got us a great lead with a new rep from National Envelope. We can grab lunch with them tomorrow. Jan: Great! Michael: Hey, Jan, Jan? Don't worry, I have got the tip. Dwight: Whoa. Michael. Waiter: Wow, oh my God, thank you. Michael: You're welcome. Dwight: Was that your per diem? Michael: No, that was a different hundred dollar bill. Jan: What have you generated, Michael? Michael: I have generated a lot of interest in my party this evening. Jan: What party? Michael: The party I'm having tonight in 308. Obviously, you are invited. Jan: Michael, um... Jim and Josh are in meetings all day. And I am in and out of meetings. I can't stay on top of you 24/7. [SCENE_BREAK] Phyllis: You should order the most expensive thing on the menu, so he knows you're worth it. Stanley: If you do that, you're going to have to put out. Phyllis: Oh, yeah. You'll have to put out. [SCENE_BREAK] Angela: Is there a key for Jane Doe? Thank you. Michael: Any messages for 308? All right. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Hey hey, fellers. Jim: Michael. Dwight: Hey, Michael. Michael: What's up? Josh: Well, Jim and I have a meeting with Uni-ball in about forty-five minutes, so we should probably go now. Michael: Hey, check this out. How about that? A little friendly competition. Stamford versus Scranton. Josh: I don't think so. Michael: Oh, Jim. Looks like you picked a bad time to defect, my friend. Josh: Fine! All right. Michael: Okay! Excellent. Oh... Dwight: Keep the wing flaps. Michael: Shut it. [answering phone] Hey, Pam, what's up? Yep, yech... no. Tell him I will give him general specifics tomorrow, okay? Yes. [to others] Say hi to Pam! Jim, Josh, and Dwight: Hi, Pam. Michael: Yes. That is Josh and Dwight and Jim. [to others] Pam says hi. [into phone] Have fun on your date! Very good, talk to you later. Bye. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: You first. Dwight: Come on. Nice try, Josh! Michael: Not. It hit the rim. Okay, and... okay. Double or nothing. Josh: Or what? We didn't bet anything, Michael. Michael: Well, let's... Josh: Yeah, we should go. Michael: Come on! Josh: We gotta go. Michael: Come on! Josh: Uh... we'll do it later. Evan: Say, while I have you here, could I talk to you about some new and exciting advances to our product line? Michael: Fine. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Jim and I have different definitions of friendship. I think it's talking and being friends, and Jim thinks it's moving to Connecticut and being best friends with Josh. Well, phooey on that. I, uh, I'm done. I am not going to be speaking with him anymore. Whatevs. Long-distance relationships never work. Evan: That is so true. Ready? Michael: Okay, let me tell you what we're looking for. Evan: Great. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Sorry, my meeting ran late. Jan: Really? Michael: Yes, Jan, really. With a rep from HammerMill. Josh: They're exclusive with Staples. Michael: Used to be. Evan will call you in the morning to work out the details. We can now sell HammerMill products. Dwight: Yes! Ha! Jan: Well, Michael, I underestimated you. Michael: Yeah, well, maybe next time you will estimate me. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: Dwight's room key. And... Dwight's room. What can I say? Old habits die hard. Angela: D? Jim: Oh my God. Dwight got a hooker! Oh my God, I gotta call... well, I gotta call somebody, I don't even know who to call. Dwight got a hooker! [SCENE_BREAK] Kelly: So, Alan, Pam is obsessed with your cartoons. She reads them every day. Alan: Oh, great. Ryan: I don't want ketchup. Kelly: You love ketchup! He loves ketchup. Pam: So how do you come up with your cartoons? Alan: Well, I just, uh... I kinda think about stuff that I see, or dream them. Pam: You dream in cartoons? How fun! [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Hey, first guest! You are going to have some tequila, my friend. Guy: I thought there was a party in here. Michael: This is the party. Guy: This is room 308? Michael: Party central! So, what can I do you for? [Guy leaves] All right. [SCENE_BREAK] Alan: See, this one is great, because it can work on a couple of different levels. Pam: Huh. Alan: [French accent] Freedom fries for the table. Pam: Freedom fries. Yeah. Alan: Yeah. I mean, people always say, like, "Don't be edgy." But I don't know any other way. Yeah, you get it. [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: Well, it was, uh, it was really nice meeting you, Alan. Alan: Yeah. Next time bring some of your illustrations, I'll let you pick my brain. Pam: More freedom fries. Alan: Yeah. Pam: That's great. Alan: Okay. [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: I went on a date. It wasn't a love connection, um... I think when I like someone again, I'll just kinda know. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: Michael. Am I the first to arrive? Michael: People have been filtering in and out. Jim: Can I get a drink? Michael: What? Jim: Can I get a drink? Michael: Sure. You like Cosmos? Jim: Yeah. Michael: Sure, sounds good. So why are you here? Is Josh busy? Jim: Michael... Michael: I get it! No, no, I totally get it. He made a better paper airplane, Stamford is better in sales... I get it. We had some fun. We had some laughs. And that's just... Jim: Wait, wait. I didn't transfer because of you. You're a good boss. You're a great boss. Michael: I'm not better than Josh. Jim: Michael, it's not about... I transferred because of Pam. Michael: Oh my God. You don't even know. She's single now. Jim: No, I just... I heard something about that. It's just, I kind of put it all on the line. Twice, actually. And she said no. Twice. Michael: I'm sorry, man. I'm sorry. Hey, you know what? I will talk to her. Jim: Nope, that's okay. Michael: Yeah. Jim: That's all right. Michael: I will. I'll talk to her. You should at least talk to Roy. I mean, he knows exactly how you're feeling. Jim: Yeah. Okay, maybe. Evan: Are we early? Michael: Hey! No, you know, people have been filtering in and out. Jim: Hey. Michael: Evan, this is Jim. Jim: How are you? Evan: Hey, uh... Arnie Reisman. Michael, Jim. Michael: Hey, Ernie, how ya doing? Evan: Do you guys work together? Jim: No, we used to. Now we're friends. Michael: Best friends. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Some people need dozens of friends to say, "Hey, look at me, I'm popular." But not me. I'm very picky. I need three, maybe two. When you meet that someone special, you'll just know. Because a real relationship, it... it can't be forced. It should just come about effortlessly. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Now, would you do the pleasure of hitting the lights, sir? [lights go out, leaving Michael's black light on] Ha, ha, ha. Dwight: Ha, ha, ha, ha. Michael: Whoa. What are those stains? Dwight: Blood, urine, or semen. Michael: Oh, God, I hope it's urine.

Michael and Dwight leave for a convention in Philadelphia , where they meet Josh, the manager of Dunder Mifflin Stamford, and Jim. Michael feels threatened by Josh, and attempts to one-up him by throwing a party in his hotel room. When no one shows up, Jim takes pity on Michael, telling him that he is a good boss and was not the reason he left Scranton. Meanwhile, Kelly sets Pam up on a blind date that goes poorly. Michael ends up making a big sale without putting much effort.

fd_Bones_05x12

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TEASER (Open: Medico Legal Lab - Brennan's Office. Booth and Brennan are staring at a piece of pizza.) BOOTH: It's clear as a photograph. You don't see anything in the cheese? Nothing. You don't see anything BRENNAN: Seeing patterns, where none exist is the symptom of Schizophrenia. (Looking closer at the pizza) Why, what do you see? BOOTH: Michael Jackson doing his.. (he does a Michael Jackson impersation) BRENNAN: I don't know what that is. BOOTH: Come on, you..you don't see anything? It's like a kid, when he looks up at the sky and he sees the clouds, and the... BRENNAN: Oh, I get it. Yes. Your mind forms patterns from random information. Um, Booth, I have a lot of work. BOOTH: Right, no. I..I just wanted to bring by the pizza so you could eat. It's important that you eat. I will, uh...(he walks off but starts dancing like Michael Jackson)...see you Monday? (Brennan shakes her head. She still has no clue) Nothing? Come on. King of Pop? This Is It? "Thriller?" No? All right, I'll see you Monday. (He Moon Walks out of the office) BRENNAN: Bye, Booth. BOOTH: Yep. (Booth leaves. A few seconds later, Cam enters) CAM: Strange question - I know - but I gotta to ask: are you by any chance pregnant? BRENNAN: No. I haven't had sexual intercourse in quite some time. CAM: Do you want to know why I'm asking? BRENNAN: You're holding a home pregnancy test. I assume it's positive and you're worried about losing the most important person in this lab. CAM: No. Very modest. Uh, I'm asking because Michelle was here earlier this afternoon, and the only other two people, besides me, that use that bathroom are you and Angela. BRENNAN: Well, Angela is currently sexually active. CAM: Very true. BRENNAN: With Wendell. CAM: Very, very active. BRENNAN: And even if they used condoms, Wendell is young. His sperm is likely to be extremely motile. CAM: You are so cheering me up right now. (Cam leaves and starts heading to Angela's office but is cut off by Sweets) SWEETS: Dr. Saroyan, I was hoping I could pick up those, uh, Strength Deployment Inventory results from you. CAM: Ooooh. SWEETS: You didn't hand them out. CAM: I was going to, but there was...real work that needed doing. Next week, for sure. SWEETS: Okay, but these aptitude tests will help you as an administrator to put the right people in key positions...(Cam is walking away, trying to hide the pregnancy test) You're not listening to me, are you? CAM: No offense intended. (She turns around an leaves and walks into Angela's office) Angela, quick question. Uh, is this your home pregnancy test? ANGELA: (laughs) I beg your pardon? CAM: Are you pregnant? Please say yes. (Cam realizes that someone else is in the room and turns around and sees Hodgins) Oh. HODGINS: Hey. Don't look at me. CAM: I'm so sorry. I thought we were alone. HODGINS: Hey, you...you don't have to keep it a secret from me. If, you know, you're pregnant. I mean, I can be happy for you and Wendell. ANGELA: Wait a minute. Why are you asking me? CAM: Well, it isn't mine and Dr. Brennan doesn't make life choices without a Boolean flowchart, so I hoped it might be you. I'm not crazy. I'm not... crazy. (Cam leaves.) HODGINS: What was that all about? ANGELA: Yeah, well, what makes Cam crazy? HODGINS: When I do experiments. ANGELA: And... HODGINS: Michelle? ANGELA: Michelle. HODGINS: Ooh. Sixteen. Ouch. (Cut to: Cam walking out of Angela's office. Sweets is standing by the door with men in suits.) SWEETS: Really? Cam, these guys won't let me leave. CAM: What's going on? (Another man enters through the main doors of the Lab) MR. WHITE: Everyone in this facility is confined to this facility. (Behind him, a gurney rolls in.) CAM: I'm in charge of this facility. MR. WHITE: Not tonight, Dr. Saroyan. (to the Suits) Please secure the exits. SWEETS: Who are you guys? MR. WHITE: I am Mr. White from the General Services Administration. CAM: The people we order paper cups and pencils from? (They lock up the door and the Suites try to access the platform. Brennan enters from around the corner) BRENNAN: What's going on? MR. WHITE: Ah, Dr. Brennan. Hello. Your government requires you to figure out how this person died. Until you do, we are all locked in here together as a matter of national security. SWEETS: Even me? CAM: He's just an FBI psychologist. MR. WHITE: No one in, no one out. By order of the federal government. Now, you have till dawn tomorrow to fulfill this task. SWEETS: What possible incentive do these people have to comply with your orders? MR. WHITE: Perhaps the fact that you're all paid by the federal government. CAM: Threats are not really gonna work for you tonight. MR. WHITE: Okay, fine. How about patriotism? Professionalism? Scientific curiosity. Take your pick. But the sooner you people figure out what killed this individual, the sooner life gets back to normal. (Opening Credits) (Cut between the hallways of the Medico Legal Lab. We hear Booth's voice on the phone. He's at the Royal Diner, sitting at the counter, eating. Sweets is at the Lab, trying to be quiet) BOOTH: (on phone) What do you want, Sweets? Working out, building up a sweat. SWEETS: (on phone) Booth, I'm in the lab. BOOTH: Why are you whispering? SWEETS: A bunch of government guys came in. They sealed the place up. They brought in a body. They won't let anyone come or leave. BOOTH: What...Slow..slow down. What government guys? SWEETS: They said they're from the General Services Administration. BOOTH: Uh, whoa. SWEETS: They're supposed to be in charge of promoting efficient government operations, like leasing office space and buying paper in bulk. It doesn't make any sense. BOOTH: Who else is there? SWEETS: Uh, Doctors Brennan, Saroyan, Hodgins, Angela, and me. BOOTH: So they knew to come when the techs were gone for the weekend. SWEETS: Why won't they let me leave? I'm a psychologist. BOOTH: Alright, look, I'll look into it. (Booth hangs up) SWEETS: What should I do? Booth? No! (Cut to: Medico Legal Lab - Platform. Cam opens the casket to reveal a skeleton) MR. WHITE: No destructive testing is allowed, not even the smallest sample. These remains will leave in exactly the condition in which they arrived. My men and I will observe and no one enters or leaves the premises. CAM: Now that you've kidnapped my lab and my people, maybe you could tell me why. MR. WHITE: You have not been kidnapped, Doctor. You've been seconded by your government to do your patriotic duty. BRENNAN: Your "no samples" restriction will severely limit our insights. MR. WHITE: We require only cause of death. There are a number of samples in here which you may examine but, they too, must not be harmed. (He gets a text message: "We have detained Agent Booth") Identification of these remains is priority zero. Excuse me. (Mr. White leaves) CAM: Is there any way I could just persuade you to look at these and guess cause of death? BRENNAN: Guess? CAM: I need to get home to kill Michelle. (They start to take the bones out and place them on the gurney) (Cut to: Jeffersonian Parking Garage. Booth is with the Suites.) BOOTH: So any of you guys, you like hockey? No? Ah, knitting. Modern dance? Ultimate fighting? Huh? Saw a flicker from you, pal. I got you pegged.Mr. Ultimate Fighter here. (Mr. White arrives) Oh, look at this. It's the chief. MR. WHITE: FBI Special Agent Seeley Booth. BOOTH: That's right. I showed you mine. You want to show me yours? MR. WHITE: You can call me Mr. White. BOOTH: Right, from the General Services Administration. So, why'd you lock up my people? MR. WHITE: That information's classified and they're not actually your people. BOOTH: I want to go inside. MR. WHITE: That's not gonna happen. BOOTH: You timed this, didn't you? So I wasn't in there. MR. WHITE: Do you need help getting home? (They have a slight stand-off, but Booth decides to go) BOOTH: (to one of the Suits) This guy, look at him, huh? Definitely water polo. Thanks for that. (Cut to: Medico Legal Lab - Angela's Office. Sweets, Hodgins & Angela are sitting on the couch. The phone rings - it's Booth.) SWEETS: Booth, you find out anything? BOOTH: Listen, can you talk? Is anyone else there? SWEETS: Only the good guys. BOOTH: All right, put me on speaker. ANGELA: Hey, uh, this is weird, Booth. HODGINS: How do we know these guys aren't terrorists? BOOTH: All right, look, they're not terrorists, okay? They're standard federal issue agents. SWEETS: Why would the General Services Administration bring in a body? HODGINS: Standard federal issue cover-up. ANGELA: This is the first time I have ever been as paranoid as Hodgins. BOOTH: You're FBI property. If anyone's gonna lock you up, it's gonna be me. HODGINS: Why are these guys letting us use cell phones? BOOTH: Why? Because whatever they're doing, these guys think they're untouchable. (Booth gets in his car. Hodgins, Angela & Sweets slump back against the couch cushions) (Cut to: Medico Legal Lab - Platform) BRENNAN: Male, from the subpubic angle. Last phase development at costochondral junctions. CAM: Older than 39 at the time of death. BRENNAN: This L4 vertebra shows evidence of having been badly compressed. CAM: Youch. Not even two-thirds normal size. Poor guy was in agony. BRENNAN: Spinal degeneration, osteoporosis. CAM: Disease, steroids. Hard to tell what caused it without doing a bone sample. BRENNAN: Bone graft. Looks like, um, a repair to a screw hole. CAM: Huh. I count three. Metal plates? BRENNAN: Indicating multiple corrective surgeries. CAM: Which could help us positively identify these remains. BRENNAN: No, Mr. White told us to regard identification as a zero priority. CAM: I'm not as good as you are at doing what I'm told. BRENNAN: Thank you. We can't check DNA or take bone scrapings for mass spec. (she opens up a suitcase with samples in it) Samples, particulates..these should go to Hodgins. CAM: Fire in the hole. (screaming) Hodgins! BRENNAN: Oh.You said "fire in the hole" to warn me that you intended on startling those men. CAM: Like I said, I'm not really the good soldier type. BRENNAN: Calcification on the left radius. CAM: Could I suggest that cause of death probably won't be found in the extremities. Check out this skull. BRENNAN: Well, that would certainly be fatal. CAM: Blunt-force trauma? BRENNAN: Or high-velocity gunshot. HODGINS: Was that you? Ah, who knew you could yell like that? BRENNAN: Well, she scared the guards. HODGINS: I find that so hot. CAM: (to Hodgins, pointing to the case) That's all for you. (to Brennan) There are very distinctive marks on the remaining frontal bone. BRENNAN: Like a metal grid scratched across it postmortem. CAM: No tests that degrade the samples. (changing the subject) I'm too young to be a grandmother. BRENNAN: In some cultures, you're old enough to be a great-grandmother. HODGINS: But not this one. BRENNAN: I've been cogitating on the problem of how to date these bones without compromising them. 'll take one and compare it to dated bones. (She slips one of the small bones into her pocket and then runs off the platform, but is stopped by Mr.White) MR. WHITE: Dr. Brennan? Where are you going? BRENNAN: To bone storage. It's in the basement. (Cut to: Royal Diner. Andrew and Booth are sitting at the counter.) HACKER: So, this guy's Government Service Administration ID said, "Mr. White." BOOTH: That's it. HACKER: You recognize him? BOOTH: No. HACKER: God, I hate these covert guys. BOOTH: Right. I'm going in. HACKER: No, no, no. You aren't. BOOTH: Why? HACKER: It's unprofessional in terms of interagency cooperation. BOOTH: Huh? HACKER: I said it like that so you'd know I wasn't serious. BOOTH: Right. So you're going to help me. HACKER: What? Are you serious? BOOTH: Yeah. HACKER: No! BOOTH: Why? HACKER: Not stopping you is not the same as helping you. But I will help after, when you're in some nonexistent CIA prison, whatever. BOOTH: Yeah, okay. Thanks for the support. HACKER: Mm-hmm. Hey. There's a reason I'm the boss when you're plainly the better FBI agent. BOOTH: I'll note that. HACKER: You know, I'll poke around for some answers. See if I can muddy the waters a little bit. BOOTH: All right. Okay. Thanks, boss. HACKER: Yeah. Hey, Booth. BOOTH: Yeah? HACKER: You mind telling me why it's so important you get in there? BOOTH: They're my people. HACKER: Oh, God. Now you're going to prove that you're a better man than I am, too? That you care more about your people? (Booth leaves and he sighs) How am I going to get anywhere with Temperance if you keep making me look bad in comparison? (Cut to: Outside the Royal Diner. Booth is on the phone with Sweets. Sweets is in the lab. Scene cuts back and forth.) BOOTH: Hey, Sweets. SWEETS: Hodgins says they're listening to everything we say to each other. Is that true? BOOTH: Forget about that. SWEETS: What? So just ignore it? Talk normally? BOOTH: Yeah, go ahead. Give it your best shot. SWEETS: Okay. Well, I made some observations. The big guys barely glance at each other but they're ready to respond as a unit easily. They've either been partnered up for years, or they've been through some pretty hairy situations together. BOOTH: Right. Right. So it's an active unit. SWEETS: Also, they don't respect Mr. White. When he's not looking, they flick their eyes toward each other. BOOTH: Right. They don't like working for him. SWEETS: Yes, exactly. But they treat the body on the gurney with great deference. BOOTH: Fallen comrade. SWEETS: That was my first thought. BOOTH: Attaboy, Sweets. Attaboy. (Mr. White appears around the corner at the Jeffersonian and runs into Sweets and closes his phone. He was listening in. Sweets turns and walks away) (Cut to: Medico Legal Lab - Angela's Office. Hodgins & Angela are examining the samples. ) HODGINS: Who do you think we've got here? Jimmy Hoffa? There. Another cloth fiber. Wool. ANGELA: Well, it could be, like, D.B. Cooper, that hijacker. But we're not supposed to conjecture about the identity of the victim. HODGINS: No, we're not supposed to investigate. This is America, baby. We can conjecture all we want. ANGELA: Well, he does have a good brow line and nice, strong jaw. I mean, whoever he was, he was good-looking. HODGINS: You should do a reconstruction. (looks at the screen) Hair. It's probably human. ANGELA: Don't you think they're going to know what I'm doing? HODGINS: So what? Just tell them we need to see what the, you know, victim's skull looked like before the damage. (Cut to: Medico Legal Lab - Platform. Hodgins is looking at the bones. Brennan & Cam join him on the platform) HODGINS: Did you find anything? BRENNAN: The victim died within months of the Limited Test Ban Treaty. HODGINS: That was in 1963. CAM: You look like you're about to explode. HODGINS: Is there, by any chance, a nick on a right rib somewhere near the third thoracic vertebra? BRENNAN: Yes. Um, most likely caused by a transiting bullet. CAM: Hodgins, you're vibrating. HODGINS: One of the fiber samples turned out to be pink wool. The bad back. A nick from a transiting bullet. 1963. CAM: Wait. Pink wool, as in Chanel? HODGINS: She never left his side. CAM: Severe head wound. Oh, my God.This - is President John F. Kennedy. Why would they bring us JFK's remains after all these years? HODGINS: Because people have a thirst for the truth. And other people want to make sure that truth is never proclaimed. CAM: Which are these? BRENNAN: Oh, I've been considering...in what kind of casket was the president buried? HODGINS: Mahogany. CAM: That's a good casket. How could his remains be completely skeletonized? BRENNAN: If the casket was compromised and allowed in oxygen and moisture, skeletonization could have occurred. HODGINS: It's naive of us to imagine that Kennedy's remains were actually ever interred at Arlington. The hair I found? No cuticle or cortex. It's synthetic. As it happens, after JFK was shot, the funeral home tried a cosmetic fix with wig hair, wax, and a metal mesh holding it in place. CAM: Ah! The mesh would explain the crisscross patterns on the skull. (Booth appears outside the glass doors and tries to open them with his hands) CAM: I can't confront Michelle about something this big over the telephone, right? BRENNAN: What? The fact that you may be investigating the murder of the president of the United States? CAM: No. The fact that she's pregnant. (Booth isn't making any headway so he tries a new tactic. He raises his gun and shoots - breaking the glass so that he can enter.) BRENNAN: Booth! BOOTH: Hiya, Bones. (The guards run at him and knock him down) BRENNAN: Booth? BOOTH: Bones? (Cut to: Medico Legal Lab - Upstairs Lounge Area. Booth is sitting on the couch with an ice pack on his head. Brennan joins him) BRENNAN: You all right? BOOTH: Yeah. You know, I can tell you. Those are a couple of big guys. Did you figure out who that guy is yet? BRENNAN: Hodgins and Cam are convinced that it's John F. Kennedy. The 35th president of the United States who was assassinated on November 22, 1963. BOOTH: I know who JFK is. BRENNAN: Also, Cam is certain that Michelle is pregnant. BOOTH: Usually, that would be big news but right now, it's not so much. It's JFK? Wait. Was Hodgins the first to say that it was JFK? BRENNAN: Yes. BOOTH: Then it's not JFK. BRENNAN: No. Hodgins is an excellent scientist. (Mr. White walks up) BOOTH: Hey, Mr. White. MR. WHITE: How'd you get past the guards? BOOTH: Uh, sniper training. It trained me how to walk really, really quietly. MR. WHITE: You are now restricted to the building, of course. BOOTH: (sarcastically) Damn. Who saw that coming? (Cut to: Medico Legal Lab - Cam's Office. Cam is sitting at her desk, debating if she should call Michelle and confront her. Angela enters.) ANGELA: Awkward. Awkward. Very awkward. CAM: What's awkward? ANGELA: About Michelle... CAM: Oh, I'm going to call her right now and tell her that I need to talk to her as soon as I get out of here. ANGELA: About-about the pregnancy test? CAM: She lied to me. She told me to my facethat she wasn't having s*x with that boy. She lied to my face. ANGELA: It's my pregnancy test. (Cam is relieved) I'm - I'm sorry, Cam. I would have told you sooner but Hodgins was in the room, and... CAM: Oh, thank God. No. I mean... ANGELA: It's okay. CAM: You alright? ANGELA: Um, I'm a - I'm a bit in shock. Well, does Wendell know? ANGELA: No. No, no. Only you and I know and, I mean, really, shouldn't Wendell be the first to know? But I figured that you-you need to know. CAM: Because I was freaking out about Michelle. Thank you. ANGELA: Yeah. (Cut to: Medico Legal Lab - Cat Walk. Booth is sitting and talking to Hacker on the phone.) BOOTH: Any luck finding out what's going on? HACKER: Nobody knows anything. Whatever this is, it's locked down pretty tight. Do you have any idea who these guys are? BOOTH: Well, they took me down in a classic Secret Service protocol. (Mr. White is listening in.) HACKER: Secret Service? Do yourself a favor. Don't tell any Reagan jokes or mention the Bush shoe incident. They get really mad. BOOTH: Right. You have any contacts inside the White House? HACKER: Of course I do. I'm extremely well-connected. I'm insulted you even asked that question. (he hangs up) Do I have any contacts in the White House? BOOTH: Great. (Mr. White watches Booth. Booth waves back. Mr. White is not amused.) (Cut to: Medico Legal Lab - Angela's Office. Angela just told Hodgins that she's pregnant.) HODGINS: Oh. Wow. ANGELA: So, Wendell should be the first to know but you should be the second and since I told Cam, I-I should tell you. HODGINS: Do I say, "Congratulations"? ANGELA: I don't know. I mean, it's not the right time. It's not the right guy. HODGINS: Well, you know, Wendell, uh, he..He might rise to the occasion. I mean, you know, he's-he's a good guy. ANGELA: No, I didn't mean that. I mean...a baby. I mean, you're linked to that person for the rest of your life. Like, way more than if you're married. I mean, you're linked through another human being. A soul. HODGINS: Okay. I'm-I'm gonna say, "Congratulations." Um, not for today but for how you're going to feel about this later on. ANGELA: Well, I might not even keep it. HODGINS: You're going to keep it, Angela. You always wanted kids. Lots of 'em. (there's a beeping noise.) I'm gonna go get the others. (Time lapse to a few minutes later in Angela's office. The gang's all there.) BOOTH: That is not JFK. HODGINS: Kennedy was on steroids to treat Addison's disease. That's what wrecked his back and adrenals. (Mr. White peers through the window and realizes what they're doing) CAM: Well, that would create a more Cushingoid appearance. MR. WHITE: You are not permitted to identify the victim. BRENNAN: In order to recreate what happened to the skull, we need to encase it in flesh. ANGELA: It's totally nondescript, as you can see. SWEETS: You know who I kind of see? Ricky Martin. HODGINS: Alex Trebek. CAM: James Garner. BRENNAN: I see Booth. BOOTH: You think that looks like me? BRENNAN: Yes, I do. I'll be in the bone room, looking at the actual skull. (Cut to: Medico Legal Lab - Bone Room. Brennan is checking out the skull when Booth enters) BOOTH: Hey. So, if it was JFK, Angela's facial reconstruction would have shown us this, right? BRENNAN: No. Facial reconstructions are not photographs, Booth. There's a wide latitude for interpretation. There. (points to a part of the skull) This could be the point of entry. The semicircle is beveled, wider on the inside than the outside. BOOTH: That was the entry? BRENNAN: If-if the victim was shot from the rear, yes.The beveling is usually like an arrow, pointing toward the shooter. As to the exit, we're missing some skull fragments. BOOTH: Maybe they were held back on purpose. BRENNAN: Possibly, but it's much more likely they were pulverized and scattered by the bullet impact. Forensic techniques in the early '60s were relatively primitive. BOOTH: Check above the right temple on the skull or a fragment from there. BRENNAN: Ha! So suddenly you're an expert on ballistic forensics? BOOTH: That's where JFK's exit wound was. BRENNAN: Why do you know so much about the Kennedy assassination? BOOTH: Bones, I'm a trained sniper. How quickly you forget. BRENNAN: Well, well, you were right about the exit. BOOTH: Whew. Right. Well, it doesn't mean it's the president. I mean, people get shot in the head all the time, right? BRENNAN: That's true. Or perhaps Angela can re-create the situation under which this wound occurred. BOOTH: Or she could re-create JFK's shooting so we can rule him out, right? BRENNAN: Oh. BOOTH: Yeah. (Cut to: Medico Legal Lab - Angela's Office. The recreation of JFK's shooting is on the screen) ANGELA: I requested this animation from the Justice Department. BRENNAN: I found a right-rear entry with an exit in the right parietal region. HODGINS: Kennedy wounds exactly. ANGELA: Right. So his head went back and to the left. BOOTH: Look, heads do all sorts of crazy things when you shoot 'em. HODGINS: Since this is based on the official record, I can't believe it. BOOTH: Here we go. HODGINS: You think there's no way the president of the United States gets murdered in public in broad daylight and, and the truth gets covered up? BOOTH: That's right. It doesn't happen. This is America. HODGINS: The highest form of patriotism is to be skeptical of the official truth. That is why the First Amendment, free speech, is first in the Constitution you would die to protect. The lone gunman version isn't possible. The guy in front, John Connolly, gets shot 1.6 seconds after Kennedy BOOTH: It's a piece of cake. HODGINS: With a World War II Italian rifle that was older than Lee Harvey Oswald? Come on. BOOTH: I'm sorry, but have you ever shot a rifle? If I had one of those guns right now, I'd show you right now. HODGINS: You're on. BRENNAN: No one is allowed to leave the Jeffersonian. HODGINS: No, we don't have to leave. I know exactly where to find an exact replica of the rifle here at the Jeffersonian. BOOTH: Great. [SCENE_BREAK] (Cut to: Medico Legal Lab - Hallway. Booth, Hodgins & Sweets are talking.) HODGINS: Lee Harvey Oswald's rifle is in the Jeffersonian but the FBI used an exact replica to re-create the assassination. We've got that down in storage. SWEETS: But they said we have to stay in the lab area. HODGINS: The janitor's closet is in the lab area. Okay, all right, a couple years ago, right, I check out the claims of this conspiracy group that says that the Jeffersonian was a Masonic construction. (He pulls out a cloth map) They said that there was a passageway. Well, it turns out to be true. Check this out. There's a fake wall in the janitor's closet, covers a ladder. SWEETS: So, what? We just sneak in one by one? Hope they don't see us? HODGINS: Yeah. You got a better idea? BOOTH: Sounds good to me. (Sweets & Booth sneak into the janitors closet while Hodgins goes in, but comes out a mop to throw off Mr. White. He's been watching) (Cut to: Medico Legal Lab - Storage Room.) SWEETS: So I, uh, used the fact that Mr. White was eavesdropping on us to sow the seeds of discord. BOOTH: What?! SWEETS: You know, I lodged in his subconscious that his men don't respect him. BOOTH: Sweets, these guys are pros. You didn't lodge anything or sow any seeds. SWEETS: Oh, wow. Hope Hodgins' map is accurate. Okay, so the JFK investigation stuff is over there. Okay, I'm gonna say something that's gonna make you think that I'm as paranoid as Hodgins. BOOTH: Okay. SWEETS: This feels like a test to me. BOOTH: Who's being tested? SWEETS: I don't know. The men in black suits? Dr. Brennan? Dr. Saroyan? You? BOOTH: Me? SWEETS: Yeah, maybe even me. I don't know. It just feels like a test. I can't be more specific. Is that it? "01033." This is it. (They open the drawer and see the rifle) BOOTH: There it is. SWEETS: Is that the actual weapon? BOOTH: Yeah. It's a perfect replica made by the FBI. SWEETS: Perhaps the most hated weapon in United States history. (Cut to: Medico Legal Lab - Area outside the Janitor's Closet. Hodgins is talking to Mr. White to distract him.) HODGINS: Uh, Mr. White? Yeah, I've done all I can do, so I'm gonna leave the premises. MR. WHITE: I'm sorry. That's impossible. HODGINS: Um... you can't stop me because I'm an American. So, I've got rights. (Booth & Sweets sneak out of the janitor's closet) MR. WHITE: I'd rather not hurt you. HODGINS: Hey, nice job with Bush and the whole flying shoe incident, by the way. I want to compliment you on that one. (Mr. White punches Hodgins in the back) BOOTH: Hey, you want to try me instead of some bigmouth scientist, huh? (Mr. White doesn't respond. He walks away) Yeah. I thought so. Come on. (he helps Hodgins up) That Bush comment? To him? You're lucky he didn't paralyze you for life. (Hodgins groans) Easy. (Cut to: Medico Legal Lab - Bone Room. Cam & Brennan are examining the wounds.) CAM: Here's the entry wound close up. BRENNAN: Little circumcircular geometry. CAM: Perpendicular bisectors reveal the center. And our diameter is... BRENNAN: 6.5 millimeters. CAM: Same caliber as Oswald's rifle. (Booth enters) BOOTH: Hey, guys, guys, listen. I'm gonna need some science, uh, jibber jabber to distract these guys. BRENNAN: Oh, you know who can do jibber jabber? BOOTH: Who? BRENNAN: Me. BOOTH: Perfect. My lucky day. Come on. All right. (Cut to: Medico Legal Lab - Hallway.) MR. WHITE: You want my permission to shoot a cantaloupe? BRENNAN: Yes. MR. WHITE: With my sidearm? BRENNAN: You took away Agent Booth's firearm. CAM: You want our best work? This is what we do. MR. WHITE: And this experiment is essential to cause of death? BRENNAN: Because you have forbidden us from taking samples in order to estimate the osteoconductivity of the oblique taphonomic remodeling, pertaining to the mid-sagittal plane, encelphalametric transaction or translation, if you will, of the intermatrix can be deduced by correlating the force/displacement values with the osteogenic, and geogenic, hydrogel nanocomposite we placed inside the surrogate. MR. WHITE: Which is the cantaloupe. BRENNAN: You understand me perfectly. MR. WHITE: How many bullets? CAM: Just one. (Mr. White hands the cantaloupe to Brennan, takes out his gun and has it to Booth - with only one bullet in it.) MR. WHITE: We'll be watching. BOOTH: Bring your popcorn. (softly, to Brennan) Good work. (Cut to: Medico Legal Lab - Platform.) SWEETS: I placed the rifle where Booth could get it. HODGINS: The president's limo was traveling approximately 4.5 meters per second. SWEETS: How fast is that? HODGINS: Ten, eleven miles per hour. Okay, so when the lights flash green, it'll be the correct speed and Booth can fire. (Booth is waiting, on the catwalk, pistol in hand, ready to fire) Ready? BOOTH: Go! (The girls are on the opposite of the catwalk. They all cover their ears. The machine starts moving and Booth quickly leans over and switches weapons. He now has the replica of the rifle in hand. The light turns green and he shoots both of the cantaloupes. The Men in black, who were watching from another part of the cat walk, are not amused.) (Cut to: Medico Legal Lab - Bone Room.) MR. WHITE: 20 minutes after this operation ends, your career in the federal law enforcement is over. CAM: Hey, Mr. White, enough. MR. WHITE: None of your results will survive. All this was for nothing. (Mr. White leaves and the group says nothing for a few minutes until...) HODGINS: (he enters some information into the computer) 1.6 seconds exactly. BOOTH: Case closed. Oswald could have made the shot. HODGINS: Booth, Oswald was a lousy shot. You're one of the best. SWEETS: Yeah, with none of the nerves that an actual assassin would experience. HODGINS: In the lab, no wind, no distractions, aiming at fruit. I mean, come on. You barely made the shot. ANGELA: Yeah, I hate to admit this, Booth, but Hodgins is making a pretty good point. BOOTH: All he's proving is, he made up his mind. Oswald shot Kennedy. We just proved that, okay? (He starts to head towards the door until...) BRENNAN: Booth? BOOTH: Yeah? BRENNAN: Simple entry wound here. If you look closer, there are microfractures radiating from the exit wound which suggests, it wasn't an exit but an entrance. CAM: Reverse beveling. BRENNAN: I'm sorry, it's true. If this is another entry from a completely different angle, then logically, there was a second gunman. (Booth doesn't like what he's hearing and walks out. Brennan knows that somehow, she made him mad and goes off to find him.) (Cut to: Medico Legal Lab - Brennan's Office. Booth is sitting on the couch when Brennan enters.) BOOTH: Two shooters. You know what that proves to me? BRENNAN: Only that there were two shooters. BOOTH: No, that those remains were not John F. Kennedy. BRENNAN: Why is it so important to you that this not be President Kennedy? (She sits down next to him on the couch) BOOTH: If it was him, he was killed by two gunman. BRENNAN: Yes. BOOTH: And if he was killed by two gunmen, the the government lied; they covered it up. BRENNAN: Throughout history, governments have lied with impunity to other governments and to their own citizens. Booth, this...does this have anything to do with the fact that your ancestor was a famous assassin? BOOTH: Bones. BRENNAN: John Wilkes Booth who killed President Lincoln. BOOTH: You promised you would never mention that. You said that to me. (Booth is pissed. He gets up and walks out of her office. She follows him to the doorway) BRENNAN: No, you told me not to! (Booth's phone rings) I never promised! But I promise now! (She's crushed. She knows she hurt Booth.) I promise now! (Cut to: Medico Legal Lab - Hallway. Booth is on the phone with Hacker.) BOOTH: So did you find anything? HACKER: Did you hear about this congressional committee that's trying to get permission to exhume JFK? BOOTH: Why the hell would anybody want to do that? HACKER: To see if modern forensic methods can tell us anything about the circumstances of his death. BOOTH: Well, Teddy Kennedy believed in the Warren Commission all the way up to the day he died. HACKER: Yeah and Bobby Kennedy was suspicious right up until the day he was assassinated. BOOTH: What does that have to do with our friends here in the black suits? HACKER: All I was able to find out is that there are parties very interested in the outcome of that congressional hearing. Booth, are you being held against your will? BOOTH: (scoffing) Come on. I can get out if I wanted to. HACKER: That's not the question I asked you. I asked you is an agent of the FBI being held by persons unknown against his will? BOOTH: Yeah, we all are. HACKER: Then I find, on behalf of the FBI, I'm annoyed by their arrogance. (Booth hangs up) (Cut to: Medico Legal Lab - Angela's Office. Angela is running stuff on the computer when Hodgins enters.) ANGELA: Hey, uh, I'll have Brennan's analysis of the entry angles up in one second. HODGINS: Ange... ANGELA: Yeah? HODGINS: You're gonna have this baby. ANGELA: I don't know that yet. HODGINS: Yeah, well, when you do...I've been thinking.You're gonna try to raise this kid on your own.Wendell is a very decent guy... ANGELA: He's a great guy. HODGINS: I know. But he's a struggling grad student, and you're gonna minimize his responsibilities for his own good. ANGELA: Geez. Regular Nostradamus there, huh, Hodgins? Predicting the future? HODGINS: Says the woman who consults a psychic. My point is, I'm your guy. ANGELA: What? HODGINS: I'm your guy. I love you. I love you and I want to help you in whatever way I can. If-if you want to move in together, if-if you want to get married...I'm here for you. And for the baby. In whatever role you need. (Angela says nothing.) Okay. (He leaves her in the office) (Cut to: Medico Legal Lab - Platform.) BRENNAN: There's calcification on the left radius. CAM: You keep returning to the victim's arm. The victim didn't die from a little calcification. SWEETS: Yeah, even I can tell that two bullets to the head probably did him in. CAM: You two don't understand: Booth is a very patriotic man. He believes this is the greatest country ever. BRENNAN: Being the best doesn't mean being perfect. SWEETS: It's naive to think that a country the size and influence of the U.S. doesn't pursue secret agendas. CAM: The Kennedy assassination wasn't a secret agenda. It was a black stain. A dark moment in history. Do you know how many people Booth has shot..for his country? BRENNAN: Approximately 50. SWEETS: Wow, that's a lot of blood to have on your hands. I mean, it's the kind of thing that would keep a person awake at night. CAM: And Booth did that because he trusted that it was right. And who did he trust? SWEETS: The government. BRENNAN: (finally realizes) Oh. CAM: If they lied about the murder of a president, they can lie about anything. (Mr. White joins them on the platform) MR. WHITE: Dr. Brennan. Dr. Saroyan. Your work is done. Thank you. BRENNAN: No, but we're not finished. MR. WHITE: The good news is, you all get to go home. CAM: Our results are inconclusive at best. BRENNAN: No. There's still unexplained calcification on a radius bone. MR. WHITE: In an hour, you'll find that this never happened. BRENNAN: But if you didn't want the truth, then what was this all for? MR. WHITE: I have no idea. BRENNAN: No, wait, wait. One more piece of analysis and we get the whole truth. MR. WHITE:The whole truth is not the point. Please, pack the remains up for transportation. CAM: Mr. White? For future reference, you might want to inform your bosses that we don't do half-truth here. (Mr. White leaves the platform) (Cut to: Medico Legal Lab - Angela's Office. Angela is sitting at her desk when Cam enters.) ANGELA: Hey. (Cam hands Angela a piece of paper.) What is this? CAM: You aren't pregnant. When I thought it was Michelle, I retested the sample. I just got the results. It's a false positive. ANGELA: Uh, well, thank you for this. (Cam leaves. Angela looks a bit sad.) (Cut to: Medico Legal Lab - Platform.) BOOTH: So, you found cause of death. You think it's Kennedy. What's left? BRENNAN: There are loose ends. BOOTH: Well, how long is it going to take you to tidy up your loose ends here? CAM: The big man always comes through. Always. (Mr. White joins them) MR. WHITE: Those remains ready for transport? BOOTH: Yeah, there's a problem. CAM: (quietly, to Booth) What are you going to do? BOOTH: (quietly, to Brennan & Cam) I'm going to give you the time you need in order to find out the truth. (to Mr. White) Ah, Mr. White. How are you? (He shakes his hand, handcuffs him and then handcuffs him to the railing.) MR. WHITE: What are you doing, Agent Booth?! BOOTH: You know what, your job is to protect the president. My job is to solve murders. (Booth flips Mr. White over the railing and then starts running through the hallway, distracting the other Men in Black. Brennan sees an opportunity and grabs the two radius bones and make a run for it. Booth, meanwhile, trips up another one of the MIB and handcuffs him to a cart) BOOTH: (seeing another guy around the corner) Ho. MAN IN BLACK: What have you got, feeb? (Booth kicks him in the nuts and hand cuffs him to another bar.) BOOTH: Good old American classic on that one, pal. ANGELA: Oh. My. God. HODGINS: Man, you Butch Cassidy'd 'em. SWEETS: Oh, that was totally ninja. Maybe some anger issues there, but you kicked ass. (Hacker & his crew storm through the doors) HACKER: (via megaphone) Stand down and drop your weapons. This facility is officially under the jurisdiction of the Federal Bureau of Investigation. (He realizes that Booth has already taken car of the situation and drops the megaphone, defeated.) Aw, man. Ten seconds earlier I would have been the hero, right? (waves) Booth. (Cut to: Medico Legal Lab - Ookey Room. There are two containers with chocolate pudding in them. Booth enters while Brennan is placing the two radius bones on top of the pudding.) BRENNAN: Hi, Booth. BOOTH: Is that pudding? BRENNAN: Yes. I adjusted the specific gravity with a thickening agent to assure the test's efficacy. BOOTH: But pudding? (Brennan looks over at the pudding and her eyes light up) Whoa, something happened. BRENNAN: Yes. One of these bones sank and the other one floated. BOOTH: In the pudding? BRENNAN: Yes. The heavy bone is healthy. The one that's still floating is riddled with osteomyelitis. President John F. Kennedy never had osteomyelitis. BOOTH: (relieved) Come here.(he pulls her in for a hug) BRENNAN: Wow! (laughing) You really didn't want this to be JFK. BOOTH: You know, you kept looking because of me. Thanks, Bones. (Andrew and Mr. White enter the room) ANDREW: Um, I've been speaking with Mr. White here from the General Services Administration and we've come to the conclusion that any reports we all write should be carefully worded. As in, there shouldn't be any words in them. BOOTH: No words. ANDREW: No words. Hi, um, Temperance. You look great. BRENNAN: Thank you, Andrew. It's nice to see you again. ANDREW: Did Booth describe to you how I came crashing in through the front doors to rescue you? BRENNAN: No. I would have liked to have seen that. (Cut to: Royal Diner. Brennan, Booth, Sweets, Cam, Hodgins and Angela are all seated, in a row, at the counter.) BOOTH: You know, I was able to take those guys down because they were not working as a team. You want to know why? Because Sweets here was able to put a worm of doubt in Mr. White's brain. SWEETS: Thank you, Booth but I'm pretty sure that the whole thing was part of some kind of test. CAM: Who was being tested? HODGINS: It wasn't a test. It was the government trying to figure out if modern forensic analysis could solve the greatest mystery of all time. ANGELA: Yeah, but the victim turned out not to be Kennedy. HODGINS: What if the only part of Kennedy that wasn't Kennedy was that floating arm bone? BOOTH: Maybe I was being tested, you know, after my brain surgery. SWEETS: Or me. HODGINS: Come on, guys. If they were testing anybody, it's me. They think I'm a paranoid conspiracy theorist. CAM: Or maybe they were testing me to see if I could run a lab in a professional manner. ANGELA: Well, you do realize that all these tests? Everybody failed. BRENNAN: Not me. I figured out the truth. BOOTH: There's a congressional committee suggesting that Kennedy be exhumed. CAM: You mean we were some sort of dry run? HODGINS: And that's why we couldn't mark the bones. CAM: Except they weren't Kennedy's bones. (They all look towards Brennan - for final verification.) BRENNAN: No. They weren't Kennedy's bones. (Cut to: Street Outside the Royal Diner. Hodgins and Angela are leaving.) HODGINS: So, can I get you a cab? ANGELA: I'm not pregnant. It was a false positive. HODGINS: Oh, well, that must be a big relief. ANGELA: Yeah. HODGINS: Everything goes back to normal. How it was before. ANGELA: Yeah. Yeah, but, um, I-I wanna...I want to thank you for... HODGINS: Nah. Hey, forget it. ANGELA: I'll never forget it. (They link arms and walk down the street. Together.) (Cut to: Outside the Royal Diner. Brennan and Cam are leaving.) CAM: Were you aware that JFK had scarlet fever in childhood? BRENNAN: Hodgins informed me of that fact, yes. CAM: Scarlet fever can cause osteomyelitis. BRENNAN: It's very rare, Cam. It can happen in approximately one in a hundred cases. It's statistically unlikely that it was Kennedy. CAM: You're a good person. I will never forget what you did for him. (Cam walks away. A few seconds later, Sweets & Booth exit the diner and join Brennan.) SWEETS: Oh, I'm oddly energized. I should be exhausted, physically and emotionally, but I feel like I could work all day. BOOTH: Right, you should get home and get to sleep before you fall over, okay, Sweets. SWEETS: Okay. BOOTH: Yeah. Head to the pillow. SWEETS: I forgot where I parked my car. (Sweets walks off) BOOTH: Shall we? (He holds out his arm to Brennan, she links arms with him) BRENNAN: We shall. BOOTH: You know, you must think I'm crazy for being so happy that it wasn't JFK. BRENNAN: I'm very impressed. You wanted the truth, even if it was going to hurt you. BOOTH: I learned that from you. BRENNAN: Really? BOOTH: Yeah. I mean, sometimes you have to go with your brain over your gut. BRENNAN: That's nice. But I prefer that you always go with your brain over your gut because your gut cannot think. BOOTH: Your brain can't digest a breakfast burrito. Just saying, to each their own. BRENNAN: To each their own. BOOTH: Yep. (The camera moves to a television in a store window. Channel 8 News is on with Breaking News across the bottom of the screen. "Breaking News: Congressional Committee denied motion to exhume President John F. Kennedy, citing 'respect for the family.'") END.

The Jeffersonian lab is put on lock down by mysterious government agents led by Mr. White ( Richard T. Jones ) when they demand Brennan and her team identify of cause of death for a highly classified set of remains. The team eventually come to believe the set of remains they are working on are actually that of assassinated President John F. Kennedy . Cam finds a positive pregnancy test in the woman's bathroom and after all the women deny it is theirs, she believes it might be Michelle's (Cam's adopted daughter). After, Angela confesses to Cam that it was actually hers, but did not want anyone else to know. In the interim, Cam had it tested again, and reveals to Angela that it was a false positive , meaning she is not pregnant.

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I do not own the characters or situations of BTVS, and I claim no credit for the content of this episode. I have merely transcribed what appeared on my screen, with help from the closed captions. I prefer that you link to this transcript on the Psyche site rather than post it on your site, but you can post it on your site if you want, as long as you keep my name and email address on it. Please also keep my disclaimers intact. You can use my transcripts in your fanfiction stories; you don't have to ask my permission. (However, if you use large portions of episode dialogue in your fanfic, I recommend you give credit to the person who wrote the episode.) I apologize in advance for my lame transcription of the fight scenes. I don't know the names of different punches and kicks. Use your imagination. [SCENE_BREAK] Teaser GILES VOICEOVER: Previously on Buffy the Vampire Slayer... Anya walking away from the house. Xander intercepting her. XANDER: Anya! What's wrong with you? ANYA: First you, you give me this beautiful ring, and then I can't wear it in public. I mean, don't you wanna get married? XANDER: Yes. Dawn and Tara in the magic shop. DAWN: Come on, Tara. I am so old enough to do research. BUFFY: You do research now? Want a cappuccino and a pack of cigarettes to go with it? Dawn and Buffy in their house. DAWN: Why should I care about any of this? BUFFY: Because they'll take you away! If I can't make you go to school ... then I won't be found fit to be your legal guardian. Willow and Buffy in the workout room. WILLOW: Since you've ... been back, you haven't exactly been big with the whole range of human emotions thing. Spike and Buffy in the house. SPIKE: I know you'll never love me. But you treat me like a man. Open on the magic shop, day. It's Halloween and the shop is filled with customers, including many laughing children. Pan across a large banner reading "Halloween Bone-Anza" with the letters spelled out in paper bones (the O in "Bone" is a paper skull). Anya moves through the store on roller-skates. She wears very short candy-striped shorts, a red blouse, and Farrah Fawcett hair. ANYA: (to customer) Um, everything on this table's half off. Including the table. She skates on. ANYA: (to second customer) Buy one eyeball, get the second one free! In the background we see Giles working the cash register, wearing a wizard robe. In foreground is Xander, dressed as a pirate, talking to some children. He holds a jar. XANDER: Arrr! Careful, me mateys! These be fireflies spat from a volcano off the coast of Katmandu. Arr! LITTLE BOY: (dressed as a fireman) You're not a real pirate! Real pirates live on boats and don't look stupid! XANDER: (fake laugh) Oh, a salty swabbie! Maybe you be fishin' for the taste ... of me hook! He shakes his hook-hand in the boy's face. The boy is unimpressed. GILES: (calls) Uh, hello, Ahab, a little help please? XANDER: Arr, and help ye shall have, arr! Xander gives the boy a menacing look and goes off, scratching his neck with the hook. Dawn walks across the store, dressed normally. She puts something down on the table next to Anya. DAWN: So what are you supposed to be? ANYA: An angel. DAWN: Oh. Shouldn't you have wings? ANYA: Oh no, this is a special kind of angel called a Charlie. We don't have wings, we just skate around with perfect hair fighting crime. Where's your costume? (skates away) DAWN: (follows) Like I'm six years old? Halloween's so lame. ANYA: But you get to dress up, and play games! Xander's gonna teach me a new one after work called Shiver Me Timbers. Ever play? Tara appears just in time to hear this and intervene. TARA: Uh, Dawn, Willow could use some help in magical texts. DAWN: (grins) I'm all over it. (walks away) ANYA: (to Tara) How 'bout you, ever play Shiver Me Timbers? TARA: I'm not really much for the timber. Cut to Willow on the other side of the room holding up a book on witchcraft. WILLOW: (angrily) I'm just saying you might wanna rethink the stereotype before someone turns *you* into a toad. We see that she's talking to a woman in traditional Halloween witch costume (hooked nose, pointy black hat, warts, etc.). The woman looks annoyed, grabs the book and walks away. WILLOW: And while you're at it, why don't you try removing that broomstick from your- Dawn appears behind the witch, approaching Willow. WILLOW: (catches herself) Dawn! DAWN: Hey. Don't stop the invective on account of me. WILLOW: If I see one more idiot that thinks witches are all hairy moles and rotted teeth- WITCHY-POO: Excuse me, do you have any candy corn? Willow and Dawn look down to see a tiny little girl dressed in a similar witch costume. WILLOW: Oh, look at you! (kneels by the girl) You are just the cutest thing! DAWN: I-I thought you said- WILLOW: I know, but look, with the hat, and the, the wart! (smiles) Oh! Let's go fill your tummy up with sugary niblets, okay? Willow leads the cute little witch away. Dawn watches with a smile. Then Dawn looks down at a nearby display table. Shot of a large gold coin with a picture of a dragon on it. Dawn looks around furtively, picks up the coin and slips it in her pocket. ANYA: (OS) Buffy! Dawn tries to look casual, walks off. Cut to Anya skating over to Buffy. Buffy carries a large cardboard box. ANYA: We're running low on mandrake root. Check the basement. (skates off) BUFFY: (to herself) Don't blame me if we have this conversation over and over... (walks off) Cut to the basement. Buffy comes down the stairs still holding the box. BUFFY: ...and over ... and over, and over. She reaches the bottom of the stairs and turns to go around them, just as Spike emerges from underneath them. BUFFY: Oh! Both jump in surprise, then sigh. BUFFY: Bell. Neck. Look into it. SPIKE: Come with a nice leather collar, does it? BUFFY: What are you doing lurking down here? SPIKE: (sighs) Came through the tunnels. (holds up a handful of vines) Running low on burba weed. Stir it in with the blood. Makes it all hot 'n spicy. Buffy makes a very "ew" face, turns away to put the box down. SPIKE: What? I was gonna pay for it. Buffy gives him a skeptical look as she comes back toward him. SPIKE: I mean, no. I was gonna nick it, 'cause that's what I do. (sighs) I go where I please and I take what I want, and what's your excuse anyway? (nods toward upstairs) I thought you'd had it to the brim with customer disservice. BUFFY: One-time deal to help out. And I mean straight time. No loop-de-loop mummy hand repeat-o-vision. Spike nods understanding. Buffy looks around, looks embarrassed. BUFFY: Where's the mandrake root? Spike looks around, moves toward a shelf covered with jars. SPIKE: Um ... here. (takes down a jar) Only three to a jar. (gives her the jar) Tend to ... go a bit wonky if you cram them too close. BUFFY: Thanks. SPIKE: Feel like a bit of the rough and tumble? BUFFY: (shocked) What? SPIKE: Me ... you... She stares at him, still shocked. SPIKE: Patrolling? Hello? BUFFY: Oh. Uh ... I ... should stay. Maybe tomorrow. It's a little awkward. They both turn away, Buffy toward the stairs and Spike toward the direction he came from. SPIKE: It's not like I don't already have plans. Great Pumpkin's on in twenty. He turns and leaves. Buffy shakes her head. BUFFY: (to herself) So much easier to talk to when he wanted to kill me. She heads up the stairs. Cut to above. Buffy emerges from the basement, still carrying the jar of mandrake root. She closes the door, takes a few steps forward and is intercepted by Anya, who takes the jar. ANYA: Ooh! Go help Giles. (skates away) Buffy turns and goes through the swing-door that separates the area behind the cash register from the rest of the store. Giles is busily ringing up a customer at the cash register. There's a long line of other customers waiting. BUFFY: What happened to Xander? GILES: He kept poking me with his hook. (Buffy picks up an item from the counter) I sent him over to charmed objects. With any luck he'll poke the wrong one and end up in an alternative dimension inhabited by a 50-foot Giles that squishes annoying teeny pirates. While speaking the previous line Giles rings up a sale and packs several items into a bag. Now he takes the item Buffy is holding, puts it in the bag and gives it to a customer. GILES: We've got a ton of bagging to do here. BUFFY: Actually, Spike had a really good idea. You know, maybe I should (quietly) patrol. GILES: Buffy, you've been patrolling every night this week. (takes an item from a customer, rings it up) Besides, it's Halloween, it's the one time of the year that supernatural threats give it a well-deserved rest. As should you. BUFFY: Yeah, what about costumes that take over your personality? Or, wee little Irish fear-demon-y thingies? GILES: Yes, well, if anything calamitous should happen, history suggests it'll happen to one of us. (hands a customer some change) BUFFY: Right, exactly, so I should patrol to avoid any of that- (Giles shoves the item in her hand) and I'm bagging. Cut to the street, day. Children in costume run around, shouting. An elderly man in a brown suit and hat walks down the street, carrying a large paper bag, humming "Pop Goes The Weasel." He walks up the stairs to a house. Cut to inside. The old man enters, still humming. He puts his hat on a hook and walks through the house. We see toys everywhere on shelves and tables, many of them carved out of wood. The old man continues humming as he goes into the kitchen. A large pot is on the stove, steaming. He sniffs it briefly, puts the bag down on the counter. KALTENBACH: (sings to the same tune) Da da da da da-da da da, happy Halloween. He looks out the window at the street. Shot of a bunch of kids on the sidewalk talking. KALTENBACH: Ha ha! Give you ... something ... special this year. He turns and opens a drawer, takes out a large knife. He tests the blade with his thumb while humming the final notes of the tune. Wolf howl. Opening credits. Special Guest Star Anthony Stewart Head. Guest Starring John O'Leary, Kavan Reece, Amber Tamblyn, Dave Power, and Amber Benson as Tara. Written by Stephen S. DeKnight, directed by David Solomon. [SCENE_BREAK] Act I [SCENE_BREAK] Open on exterior shot of the magic shop, night. A few people exit. Cut to inside. Dawn stands at the door waving the last customers out. DAWN: Come again! (weak laugh) She closes the door and leans against it with a grimace. DAWN: Uhh! In a zillion years. We see Xander lying on his back on the floor. XANDER: Store go boom. (waves his hook hand weakly) Arr. Wider shot of the others sitting around looking very tired. Giles and Buffy sit on the steps beside Xander; Willow and Tara in chairs nearby. We see Anya behind the counter. ANYA: That was the most incredible thing I have ever experienced. Xander lifts his head to look over at her. ANYA: Except for that. Dawn walks across the room to join Anya behind the counter. ANYA: What you all did for me tonight ... the astounding heaps of money you helped me- (Xander clears his throat) ...us acquire. All I can say is, I hope we make as much tomorrow. BUFFY: (in dismay) Tomorrow? ANYA: Oh, post-holiday clearance. (smiles) The cornerstone of retail. Everyone groans. Giles gets to his feet with a grimace. GILES: Brooms all around, then. WILLOW: Or I could whip up a jaunty self-cleaning incantation, it'll be like Fantasia. GILES: We all know how splendidly that turned out for Mickey. (gives Willow a broom and dustpan) WILLOW: I think I'm a little more adept than a cartoon mouse. TARA: And you have more fingers, which is good, 'cause... (shot of Anya counting her money) ...there's no need to wear those big white gloves to overcompensate. BUFFY: (to Xander) You know, if you had a real peg leg, you wouldn't just have a lame costume, you'd actually be lame. Which is completely different. Xander isn't listening; he's staring at Anya. Anya and Dawn are behind the counter, doing a little dance. DAWN: (smiling) You do this every night? ANYA: Every time I close out the cash register. The dance of capitalist superiority. Anya continues dancing, and Dawn copies her movement. Xander continues watching. XANDER: (softly) I'm gonna marry that girl. BUFFY: What?! She's fifteen and my sister, so don't ev- (gets it) Oh. XANDER: Hey, everybody. (stands up) Can I, um ... uh ... there's something Anya and I ... wanna tell you. He walks over to the counter. Anya comes to his side, holding a stack of paper money. ANYA: (quietly) Now? XANDER: Now. Xander puts his arm around Anya's shoulders, turns to face the rest of the gang. XANDER: We're getting married. DAWN: (smiling) Oh my god. TARA: Congratulations! Buffy and Giles walk closer. WILLOW: (not smiling) That ... that's ... wow. XANDER: It's a big wow. ANYA: (to Xander) I ... I thought you were waiting for the right moment. Xander gazes fondly at her. XANDER: I did. They kiss. Dawn watches intently. Anya giggles as the kiss ends. ANYA: Here, have some money! Anya tosses money at Dawn, who catches some of it, smiling. Anya and Xander resume kissing. BUFFY: (quietly to Giles) Did you know about this? GILES: No. Unless I blocked it from my memory, (glancing at Xander and Anya) much as I will Xander's vigorous use of his tongue. Giles removes his glasses and begins to clean them. Buffy watches this with an expression of outrage. BUFFY: (shocked) Is that why you're always cleaning your glasses? So you don't have to see what we're doing? GILES: Tell no one. (puts glasses on) Buffy looks back over at Anya and Xander. They are still kissing. BUFFY: Giles, this is... Shot of Dawn watching the kissing with a wistful smile. Cut back to Buffy and Giles. BUFFY: ...we have to do something. Cut to a close-up of Anya's hand, wearing the engagement ring. Another hand is holding hers. ANYA: And he said he couldn't imagine the rest of his life without me, and then he gave me this! Pull out to reveal Xander standing beside her. It's Dawn holding Anya's hand to look at the ring. We're in the Summers living room. Music in the background. XANDER: Which I'll be paying for the rest of my life. DAWN: Can I try it on? ANYA: (big smile) Oh, absolutely not. Giles and Buffy appear from the kitchen, carrying cups. GILES: Where I come from, this sort of thing requires much in the way of libation. Everyone takes a cup. XANDER: God save the queen! BUFFY: Sorry we couldn't do the big fancy. You kinda caught us with our parties down. ANYA: Oh, that's okay. This is just the first premarital celebration. There'll be lots more. With gifts. Tara and Willow appear with bowls of snacks. TARA: Sure, maybe we'll even have time to decorate for the next one. WILLOW: Why wait? Willow speaks a few words of Japanese(?) and a shimmer goes through the room. When it passes, the room is decorated with paper lanterns and streamers. Dawn laughs with pleasure. The others look around. Tara looks unhappy. ANYA: This is so much better than the way it usually looks. Thank you. Anya hugs Willow. Giles gives a disapproving look, which he shares with Tara. Cut to the kitchen. Willow pours snacks from a bag into a large bowl. Tara sits by the island. TARA: The grocery store's still open, we ... could've bought decorations there. WILLOW: Why bother? These are perfect. And extra biodegradable-y. In a couple of hours, poof! TARA: No, they're, they're great, it's just ... why use magic when you can do something naturally? WILLOW: Well, you can fight monsters naturally, with sticks and stones. Don't recommend it though. (drinking from a cup) TARA: It's different. WILLOW: How? TARA: Becau- (sighs) Because you're protecting people. Keeping them from being hurt. WILLOW: Which makes them happy. Like pretty decorations made Anya happy. TARA: (sighs) That's not the point, Will. WILLOW: Why are you being like this? TARA: This isn't about me! WILLOW: This is so about you. You're always coming down on me for, for doing magic that couldn't harm a fly. What's your problem? TARA: Willow, I j-just wish that you would stop and think about what you're- Tara stops as she sees Willow looking toward the door. Dawn is standing there. DAWN: (nervous) Sorry. Just checkin' on the chips. WILLOW: It's okay. We're done. Willow takes the bowl of chips and walks out. Dawn gives Tara an anxious look, then follows Willow. Cut to the living room. Buffy and Xander are hugging. BUFFY: You're getting married! You! XANDER: (hoarsely) Me. Choking. BUFFY: Oh, sorry. (lets him go) I just, I can't believe it. Seems like only yesterday you had to pay a girl to date you. XANDER: Like I'd ever pay. (snickers nervously) Define 'date.' Willow and Dawn approach carrying the bowl of snacks. BUFFY: I was only out of commission for three months. (to Willow) How many other things have changed since I've been away? DAWN: (smiling) Ooh, I got a tattoo! BUFFY: (shocked) What?! WILLOW: Which is why we told her no. DAWN: (wheedling) Just a little one? BUFFY: Over my dead body. (Willow sits on sofa) The kind that doesn't come back. Anya enters. DAWN: (pouty) Fine. (sees Anya) Congratulations. Dawn hugs Anya briefly. DAWN: You're very lucky. Finding a guy like him. XANDER: Not as lucky as me. Xander kisses Anya on the cheek. Buffy watches with a smile. DAWN: See you guys tomorrow? (starts to leave) BUFFY: Whoa! (grabs Dawn's arm) Tomorrow? DAWN: Yeah. I'm sleeping over at Janice's, remember? BUFFY: That's tonight? DAWN: No. It's on the other Halloween. (Giles enters with more snacks) Come on, you said I could. BUFFY: Uh ... (glances at Willow) Well ... I know I did, it's just, you know, now with Xander's party, I- XANDER: Ah, we're good. But you have to get us some extra gifts for our reception. ANYA: Yes please. BUFFY: I-I don't know. Giles? GILES: Uh, it's really not up to me. DAWN: Come on. It's four blocks away, I'll walk straight over. Not like I'm gonna be roaming the streets. (cajoling) Please? Cut to Dawn walking down a residential street. It's very busy with parents and costumed kids walking around, sound of kids yelling and laughing. Dawn pauses, looks around, grins slightly and moves to her left. Cut to Dawn walking down a dark alley. The sound of children is gone; distant police sirens instead. Dawn hears a banging noise and slows. DAWN: Hello? She walks forward slowly, picking up a piece of wood and holding it like a club. We can vaguely see the shapes of two people through the slats of a large wooden box. Dawn walks up to the box's opening and sees that it's two young people kissing. GUY: Hey! DAWN: Ooh! GIRL: Perv. DAWN: Sorry. I thought- Dawn backs away, bumping into someone behind her. She turns around with a gasp of fear, then smiles in relief as she sees the other girl. JANICE: Hey Summers. Did you get over the wall okay? DAWN: Yeah. My sister thinks I'm staying at your house. JANICE: Ahh. The Mominator thinks I'm staying at yours. (laughs) Can't believe they fell for that one, like, own a TV. She and Dawn both laugh. DAWN: So where're we meeting? JANICE: (proudly) The park. (fake spooky voice) That's where all the monsters gather on Halloween. The two girls smile, turn and walk away together. Cut to the park. A teenage boy (Zack) is standing on a swing. ZACK: Woohoo! We see two other boys and two girls sitting on a nearby bench with a stereo blaring. One of the boys (Justin) throws something at Zack. ZACK: To infinity and- (the thrown object hits him) ow! JUSTIN: (sarcastic) Oops. JANICE: Nice shot. Janice and Dawn walk up. Zack jumps down from the swing. He and Justin walk over to the girls. ZACK: Hey baby. (hugs Janice) JANICE: Hey. ZACK: What took you so long? JANICE: Ah, we stopped for crimes and misdemeanors. Zack, this is my friend Dawn I was telling you about. ZACK: (to Dawn) Hel-loooo. Zack leers at Dawn. Janice shoves him. ZACK: Ow. JUSTIN: (to Dawn) Hey. (sticks out his hand) Justin. DAWN: (shakes his hand) I know. I've seen you around at a couple of parties. JUSTIN: I've seen you too. Dawn looks very pleased to hear this. The other boy and the two girls walk by. BOY: Hey, we'll catch you guys later. They leave. ZACK: Alone at last. JANICE: So! What do you guys wanna do? Zack and Justin exchange a suggestive look, then look at the girls. Dawn smiles bashfully. Cut to a house with a cardboard witch decoration in front of it. An egg smashes against the witch. We see Zack standing on the lawn having just thrown the egg. Janice in background. ZACK: Yeah, three points! Woo! We see Dawn and Justin nearby. Justin is crouched by a car, letting the air out of its tires. DAWN: (to Justin) Uh, witches don't really look like that. JUSTIN: You got a lot of witch friends? DAWN: No! I mean, from stuff ... that I've read ... and stuff. Um, some of them are supposed to be really pretty, and you don't wanna get them mad- ZACK: (runs past) New target, come on! JUSTIN: Woo-hoo! Justin jumps up and runs after Zack. Janice walks over to Dawn and they begin walking after the guys. JANICE: So? DAWN: He's okay. JANICE: Ho-hum okay, or like ... 'oh my god I think I'm gonna pee my pants' okay? DAWN: Pee. They both giggle. Cut to a shot of a mailbox on a wooden stand, draped with orange crepe paper. A foot appears and kicks the mailbox off its stand. Pull back to reveal Zack who puts his foot back down and continues walking. He and Justin walk side-by-side. We can see the girls walking about twenty feet behind. ZACK: So what's the verdict, cap'n? Is little Justin in love? JUSTIN: I don't know. (punches Zack on the arm) She's cute. ZACK: Well, congratulations for having eyeballs. But what about, uh, you know, going all the way? Do you think- The girls can be heard giggling. Zack looks back and notices that the girls have gotten closer and are now in earshot. ZACK: (loudly) ...that the moon and the stars look lovely tonight? The girls stop giggling. All four continue walking. JANICE: Hey, you think when we're done with this juvie crap maybe we can do something else? I'm gettin' kinda bored. Zack looks off to his right, smiles, stops walking. ZACK: Just one more. Shot of the old man's house from earlier. Cut to Xander sitting on the stairs inside the Summers house. A hand appears in front of him holding two plastic cups. He takes one. Giles sits beside him holding the other cup. GILES: Anya is a wonderful former vengeance demon, I'm sure you'll spend ... many years of ... non-hell-dimensional bliss. Xander smiles, looks a bit nervous. GILES: Is she moving in with you? XANDER: Um... GILES: You know, with your combined incomes, you might think about a down payment on a house. XANDER: Like the kind you *live* in? GILES: No rush. I'm sure you have plenty to think about with the arrangements for the wedding and so on. You've got the rest of your lives to plan the rest of your lives. XANDER: (laughs, nervously) Yeah, yeah. They sit there. Xander looks increasingly nervous. Cut back to the old man's house. JANICE: (OS) No way. Cut to the four teens standing and looking at the house. JANICE: You know who lives there? JUSTIN: Old man Kaltenbach. ZACK: Crusty old b*st*rd. DAWN: Isn't he supposed to be ... mental or something? ZACK: Total looney-tunes. Pumpkins... Closer shot of the house. There's a pumpkin on the front step carved into a cheery smile. ZACK: (OS) Very dangerous. Cut back to Zack and Janice. He nudges her. ZACK: You go first. JANICE: Wha - huh - screw that! ZACK: Come on, show us how brave you are. Let's see those cute little girlie guts. Janice shoves him angrily. He just laughs. JUSTIN: Hey, lay off, man. If she doesn't wanna- DAWN: I'll do it. ZACK: Go Dawn! JUSTIN: (to Dawn) Look. You don't have to do this. DAWN: (looks at him) It's okay. (smiles) I want to. Dawn takes a nervous step forward, walks toward the house as the others watch. Very nervously, she walks up the steps, picks up the pumpkin, raises it over her head. She turns to smile at the others. The others smile back, then look alarmed. A hand grabs one of Dawn's arms. She shrieks in fear and drops the pumpkin. It smashes on the steps. Dawn looks fearfully up at the old man as he leans toward her. KALTENBACH: Shouldn't oughta mess with those. Sometimes they bite. Justin runs over, following by Zack and Janice. JUSTIN: Get away from her! ZACK: Don't make me go kung-fu on you, man! (makes kung-fu movie gestures) The old man stares, then laughs. KALTENBACH: Come on inside, kids, got somethin' special for ya. He turns to go back inside. KALTENBACH: Daddy's got a treat! He pushes the door open, makes a 'come on' gesture with his head and goes inside. Janice looks very scared. Zack smiles. ZACK: Cool. JANICE: No no no. We are so not going in there. Dawn, tell them! Dawn looks nervously toward the door. Cut to inside. Hands playing with a toy robot that spins around and flashes lights and makes noise. We see Justin, Janice, and Dawn sitting on the sofa while Mr. Kaltenbach does something in the background. The three kids look over at Zack playing with the toy. ZACK: Dude, where'd you get the cool toys? KALTENBACH: Used to design 'em back in '58. (walks toward them) Nothing would give me more pleasure ... than to see a child's face... (Dawn and Janice exchanging an unhappy look) light up when he'd open one of mine ... on a Christmas or a birthday. I was good. Jeepers, I was the best. He continues walking slowly toward Zack. KALTENBACH: And then that thing happened. One little mistake ... and they took it all away from me, they... (takes the toy from Zack) they took my toys. He turns to put the toy down, turns back. Shot of the three kids on the couch looking very fearfully at him. KALTENBACH: (cheerfully) Time for the treats! Who wants to help Daddy in the kitchen? (to Dawn) How 'bout you, Sally? Dawn frowns. JUSTIN: (gets up) Uh, Sally's not much for the cookin'. Why don't I give you a hand. KALTENBACH: (nods) Hands are good. (moves toward the kitchen) Always use more hands. More hands. Justin follows him toward the kitchen. Mr. Kaltenbach begins humming "Pop Goes The Weasel" again. Zack sits on the sofa in Justin's vacated spot. He picks up a jack-in-the-box and begins turning its handle. JANICE: Okay, I say we get the funk out of here before Satan Claus tries to stuff us up the chimney. ZACK: What, and miss the big treat? That would break the old guy's little heart! Assuming it's still beating. DAWN: She's right, we should just get Justin and go. ZACK: (still turning the handle) Come on, the dude's a thousand years old. What's he gonna do, drown us in his drool cup? The jack-in-the-box pops up. It has no head. Dawn looks at it nervously. DAWN: Hey. Where's its head? Cut to the kitchen. Mr. Kaltenbach carefully closes the door leading back to the living room. He turns and walks over to the kitchen island. We see Justin looking in the cabinets. Mr. Kaltenbach goes over to the counter and we see a pan covered with aluminum foil. The large knife lies beside it. He picks up the knife. Pan up to his face as he looks at the knife. Then we see Justin is behind him, wearing vampire face. Justin puts his hand on Mr. Kaltenbach's shoulder. JUSTIN: Boo. Mr. Kaltenbach turns, sees Justin's face and reacts with horror. Blackout. [SCENE_BREAK] Act II [SCENE_BREAK] Open on the same scene. Justin bends down and bites Mr. Kaltenbach. The old man gasps and chokes as Justin feeds on him. As they sink toward the floor, Mr. Kaltenbach's hand holding the knife knocks over the foil-covered pan. We see that it's a pan of rice krispy treats, decorated with little candy pumpkins. Cut to the living room. The noise of the pan falling makes the other three teens jump up in alarm. JANICE: What the hell was that? Close shot of the pan of rice krispy treats lying on top of the body. DAWN: Justin? Dawn runs toward the kitchen, stops when she sees the closed door. She walks slowly toward it. Janice and Zack hover in the background. DAWN: (softly) Justin? Dawn reaches out to open the door, jumps back with a yelp of surprise as it pops open before she touches it. Justin comes out, wearing his human face, smiling. JUSTIN: Let's go. DAWN: Wh-what happened? JUSTIN: I swiped his wallet when he wasn't looking. Come on! They run for the door. Cut to the front steps. Dawn and Janice burst out. DAWN: (scared) Oh my god. (smiling) Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god! The girls run off down the street. The boys come out behind them, walking more slowly. JUSTIN: (holds his stomach) Dude, that guy was rank. ZACK: Bet a spritz of Dawn would wash that right out. So what do you think? Lunchables? Or should we go all the way and turn 'em? They exchange a look. Cut to Xander and Anya in the Summers house. ANYA: So I was thinking maybe a June wedding. But then I remembered that they always had the highest percentage of calls for vengeance. We see that Xander and Anya are standing in front of the couch, talking to Giles and Buffy who are sitting on the couch. ANYA: So now I'm leaning towards as soon as damn possible. I mean, mortal life being so short, we gotta get in as much marital bliss as we can before we wither and die. Xander nods, but he looks more and more nervous. ANYA: I mean, there's just so much to consider, though, I mean, planning the wedding, and, and new cars, house and babies. You *have* to plan for babies, or they just run roughshod over your entire existence. XANDER: (nervously) Yeah, y...you gotta know what to call 'em before they hit college. GILES: Ah. Rupert is an exceptionally strong name. ANYA: (laughs) Ha ha ha! Yeah, if we want our progeny to eat paste and have their lunch money stolen. Buffy snickers a little. Giles looks insulted. Anya stops laughing, clears her throat. Giles gives Buffy a look. BUFFY: (to Giles) Look, all that matters is that they're happy. (to Anya) Everything else is thick gravy goodness. ANYA: I know. Xander's smile looks a little glazed. ANYA: I mean, I am the luckiest ex-demon in the world. I mean, to be able to find the one person in all dimensions that I was meant to be with, and have everything work out exactly as I dreamed. (Xander smiles at her) I mean, how often does the universe allow that to happen? Buffy looks a little pensive. Cut to: exterior shot of the Summers house. The door opens revealing Xander, who holds it open for Buffy, then follows her out onto the front porch. Xander takes a deep breath, fans himself with his pirate hat. XANDER: Air. Sweet mother oxygen. They walk toward the edge of the porch. BUFFY: You okay? XANDER: Yeah. I just ... it's just, I didn't think it would be so much. (they sit on the railing) BUFFY: But this is good. I mean, this is ... love and celebration and moving forward. Anya's right. This is the way life's supposed to work out. XANDER: (nods) Right. Deep pools of ooey delight. I'm wallowing, not drowning. BUFFY: Definite wallow action. XANDER: Okay. (gets up) So, once more into the breach? BUFFY: Oh. I think my breaches are wearing a little thin. (gets up) I'm gonna take Spike up on that offer to patrol. Gotta be something out there cruisin' for a smackdown. They walk back toward the door. Buffy goes down the stairs and Xander, taking a moment to compose himself, opens the door and goes back inside. Cut to Justin and Dawn walking down the street together. JUSTIN: So you're like, what, a sophomore? DAWN: (laughs) I wish. JUSTIN: Uhhh, freshman. DAWN: Yep, way down there at the bottom of the rung. Actually? Kinda under those little rubber feet they use to keep the ladder steady. JUSTIN: Hey, those are important. (hands her some money) Here. The spoils of war. You earned it. DAWN: (smiles) I did? JUSTIN: Yeah, for keepin' me steady. They smile at each other. JUSTIN: And so begins your life of crime. DAWN: Hmm. You're a little late. I steal all the time. JUSTIN: (skeptical) Really. DAWN: Totally. I haven't paid for lipstick since ... forever. JUSTIN: Oh, be still my heart, cute *and* bad. DAWN: Yeah, (hugs herself) bad to the bone. JUSTIN: More like frozen! Here. He takes off his Sunnydale High School jacket and puts it around Dawn's shoulders. DAWN: Thanks. JUSTIN: My pleasure, Miss Summers. They gaze into each other's eyes. Then Janice appears behind them. JANICE: Hey. Where's Zack? JUSTIN: (a little annoyed) He went to get the car. DAWN: (delighted) You guys got a car? Cut to Zack pulling a woman out of her car. The woman drops to the pavement, unconscious, as Zack gets into the driver's seat. ZACK: Thanks for the ride! The tires squeal as he drives off. Cut to Buffy walking down the street surrounded by kids in costume. She pauses, watches a couple walking with arms around each other. Continues walking. An ambulance goes by, siren wailing. Buffy stop walking, frowns. Cut to Buffy walking up to the crime scene. A small crowd has gathered. Buffy sees paramedics loading the woman driver onto a gurney. PARAMEDIC 1: I'm losing her pulse. PARAMEDIC 2: Let's get her in! Buffy watches with concern. Close-up on the woman's neck. Vampire bites clearly visible. Buffy scowls, hurries away. Cut to the Summers kitchen. The phone rings. Giles answers it. GILES: Summers residence. ... Oh, (smiles) Mrs. Penshaw, yes, uh ... (stops smiling) No, Dawn said she was staying the night at your house. Well, ye-yes, I realize that now, but I don't believe that you called to check -- all right, le-let's just, um, if I, if I hear anything I'll let you know. He hangs up. Cut to the living room. Tara sits on the sofa watching as Xander, Anya, and Willow dance to music. Tara looks a little forlorn. Giles comes in, walks over to the stereo and turns off the music. WILLOW: Hey, we were just gettin' our dance on. GILES: That was Janice's mother on the telephone. Apparently Janice said that she was staying here tonight. XANDER: Ahh, they're dipping into the classics. You gotta respect that. GILES: Is Buffy still outside? (going toward the door) XANDER: Uh, no, no, she was gettin' antsy, she went to find Spike to patrol. GILES: Well, it's nice to be kept in the loop. Um ... Xander, Anya, you stay here in case Mrs. Penshaw calls again. Willow, Tara, you check downtown. (going toward the door) I'll, uh, swing by Spike's, see if I can catch Buffy. Giles grabs his jacket and exits. Cut to a dark part of the forest. The car is parked. The back door opens and Janice gets out, giggling as Zack is groping her. He gets out after her. ZACK: (into the car) Don't do nothing I would, dude. Zack shuts the door as Janice grabs him by the front of his shirt and kisses him. JANICE: You're it. She turns and runs into the forest. ZACK: I love it when they run. He morphs into vamp face and runs after her. Cut to inside the car. Dawn and Justin sit. She still wears his jacket. DAWN: So. JUSTIN: Yeah. DAWN: Ooh. It's cold. You okay? You want this back? JUSTIN: Nah. Cold doesn't really bother me. DAWN: (smiles) What are you, Superman? JUSTIN: No, but ... I do have a few special powers. He leans over as if to kiss her. DAWN: (nervously) Hey ... um ... does this work? (twisting the radio dial) JUSTIN: You gotta ... turn the ignition. He turns the key and the radio starts up. Dawn smiles, nods. Justin watches her with a smile. DAWN: I love this one. JUSTIN: (brushes hair back from her face) Another thing we have in common. Dawn doesn't reply, glances at him and then away, looking very nervous. JUSTIN: You're shaking. DAWN: It's cold. JUSTIN: You ... wanna go? DAWN: N-no. It's just, um ... what do you expect- JUSTIN: Shhh. I just wanna taste you. He leans toward her again. She leans in to him and they kiss. Blackout. [SCENE_BREAK] Act III [SCENE_BREAK] Open on the same scene. Dawn and Justin continue kissing for a moment, then Dawn pulls back a little, looking dazed. DAWN: Shiver me timbers. JUSTIN: What? DAWN: Um ... nothing. Just ... wow. JUSTIN: Oh, my god. That was your first. DAWN: What? No. JUSTIN: It was! That was your first kiss. DAWN: (nervous laugh) I've been kissed before. I, I kiss all the time. Not that I'm a kiss slut. Just, you know, with, with the lips and, and the pressing together and stuff? Big expert here. Justin just looks at her, with a little grin. DAWN: Okay, okay, it was my first kiss. (upset) I know, I know, I suck, my ... my lips are dry and my tongue's all horrible and sticky and I'm pretty sure I drooled on you ... so just please tell me how awful it was. Justin pulls her toward him and kisses her again briefly. She looks surprised. JUSTIN: It was perfect. They resume kissing. Cut to the Bronze. A band is on stage performing. Various people in Halloween costumes are dancing. Pan to the door. Willow and Tara enter. They see a couple dancing close together, dressed as Luke Skywalker and Princess Leia. WILLOW: Do they know they're brother and sister? TARA: (yelling over the music) Do you think she's here? WILLOW: (yelling) What? TARA: Do you think Dawn might have come here? WILLOW: It's where I'd be if I were fifteen and on the lam. They begin to walk around. TARA: Really? WILLOW: Well, not me at fifteen, 'cause, hello, spaz. TARA: You? WILLOW: Yeah. Hard to believe such a hot mama-yama came from humble, geek-infested roots? They begin climbing the stairs to the balcony. TARA: Infested roots, trying to turn me on? WILLOW: (smiles) I have to try now? They kiss and continue walking up the stairs. They reach the top. WILLOW: Come on, let's look over here. TARA: Do you see her? WILLOW: No, there's too many people. TARA: Maybe we can have security- WILLOW: No, that'll take too long. They climb another partial set of stairs to a second balcony level. Willow goes over to the railing and looks down on the people dancing. WILLOW: One among many, many fade to one- TARA: (grabs her hand) What are you doing? Will? WILLOW: I'm just gonna clear the crowd. TARA: How? WILLOW: I'll just shift everyone who isn't a fifteen-year-old girl into an alternate dimension. (smiling) TARA: (horrified) What? WILLOW: No, it'll be for like a fraction of a second. They won't even notice. TARA: Will, no, you can't! WILLOW: Why? TARA: Well, what if something went wrong? WILLOW: Well, it won't! TARA: But w-what would Giles say? WILLOW: (toward the crowd) Sukut! The crowd noises all go away, leaving it silent, although the people continue to dance and the band keeps playing like nothing's wrong. WILLOW: (to Tara) Are you taking his side now? TARA: This isn't about sides. WILLOW: You two have been talking about me behind my back. TARA: No! God. WILLOW: You know how that makes me feel? TARA: Willow, you are using too much magic. What do you want me to do, just, just sit back and keep my mouth shut? WILLOW: Well, that'd be a good start. Tara looks shocked. TARA: If I didn't love you so damn much I would! Tara turns and storms away. WILLOW: Takulum. The crowd noises resume. WILLOW: Tara! Willow stands there, not following after Tara. Cut back to the car. Dawn and Justin still kissing. It continues for a few moments. DAWN: Ow! (pulls back) JUSTIN: Sorry. DAWN: It's okay. Long as it's not bleeding. They resume kissing. Then Dawn pulls back again. DAWN: Justin ... could we... JUSTIN: It's just ... (looking at her) God, you are so beautiful. Dawn smiles. They resume kissing. Dawn's hand is on Justin's arm. It moves up his arm across his shoulder, across his neck, to rest on his cheek. We see that he's now in vampire face. Dawn realizes it and her eyes widen. Cut to Spike's crypt. Buffy bursts in holding her stake. BUFFY: Get your gear together. We need to... She stops as she realizes Spike is nowhere to be seen. The TV is on, playing a black-and-white horror movie. Buffy looks around. BUFFY: Spike? SPIKE: (OS) You know... Buffy jumps, turns to find him right behind her. SPIKE: ...in civilized cultures, that's called trespassing. BUFFY: Good thing you're uncivilized. We got trouble. SPIKE: Giles found you? BUFFY: (frowns) Giles? No. Was he looking for me? SPIKE: Yeah, it's Dawn. BUFFY: Dawn? (alarmed) Why, what happened? SPIKE: No, it's okay, Giles was by here earlier looking for you. Dawn and her little friend pulled a Houdini. Up to a bit of candy-corn mischief, I suspect. BUFFY: Wait, she's out there running around by herself? SPIKE: Yeah, kids these days, eh? Buffy walks quickly past him. SPIKE: I did a sweep of the tunnels, Giles is poking about the cemetery. BUFFY: We have to find her. Buffy opens a coffin(?) by the wall. SPIKE: I don't think she's in there. Buffy takes out some weapons, tosses Spike a crossbow. He catches it, frowns a little. Cut to the cemetery. It's dark and foggy. Giles walks around with a flashlight, shining it around, looking around. GILES: Mist ... cemetery ... Halloween. Should end well. He trips on something, falls on his face out of the shot. The camera stays where it is. After a moment Giles reappears in the shot. GILES: Bloody brilliant. He composes himself and resumes looking around. Sound of a girl screaming. Giles begins to run. Cut to the forest. Giles runs among some trees, shines his flashlight on a vampire biting a girl. GILES: Dawn! The vampire lifts his head and growls. Giles pushes him away and he rolls down a short hill. GILES: Dawn, are you all right? Giles grabs the girl, who lifts her head to reveal that she's Janice. GILES: Janice? JANICE: He bit me. That jerk bit me! ZACK: Like you weren't asking for it. Giles turns to see Zack behind him, still in game face. GILES: I feel certain she wasn't. ZACK: What do you know about it, grandpa? Zack swings a punch at Giles, who ducks and tackles Zack around the middle. GILES: Quite a bit actually. They go down and roll down the hill, entangled together. Janice watches fearfully. At the bottom of the hill Giles and Zack get up and trade blows. Zack does most of the punching, then kicks Giles and he goes down. From his knees, Giles blocks another punch and hits Zack in the stomach, then gets up and kicks him. Zack flies backward and winds up against a tree. Zack looks down to see a branch sticking out of his body. ZACK: Dude, that sucks. He dusts. GILES: (toward Janice) Dawn. Where's Dawn? Janice makes a helpless "I don't know" gesture, holding her neck with one hand. Cut to the car. Dawn scrambles out through her door. JUSTIN: Dawn! DAWN: Get off me! JUSTIN: Dawn, wait! Wait! Dawn runs off. Justin climbs out and runs after her. He catches up with her, stops her. He's still in game face. JUSTIN: I thought we could, you know, like hang out or something. DAWN: Hang out? JUSTIN: Yeah. I mean ... you're not like other girls. You're different. There's something special about you. I knew it the first time I saw you. Dawn looks like she wants to believe him. JUSTIN: I just wanna be close to you. He puts his hand to her face. Dawn gasps and jerks away. JUSTIN: Shh. It's okay. It'll only hurt for a second. Dawn closes her eyes as he bends over to bite her. GILES: (OS) I bet you say that to all the girls. Giles comes around a tree. DAWN: Giles? Dawn turns to see Giles behind her. Justin grabs her by the throat. GILES: (walks forward) Now, you have a choice, son. We can do this the easy way, or we can do this the ha- Giles stops as a bright light suddenly shines on him, blinding him. He puts up a hand to shield it, looks around. Sounds of car doors opening. We see that there are a number of cars parked in a circle around the clearing, all with their lights pointing inward. Vampires get out of all the cars and begin to advance on Giles. He looks around nervously. Then looks over at Justin who still holds Dawn by the throat. JUSTIN: (smirking) What were my choices again? Blackout. [SCENE_BREAK] Act IV [SCENE_BREAK] Open on the same scene. Giles faces off with Justin and Dawn as the other vampires advance. A hand clamps onto Giles's shoulder and he jumps, looks over to see it's Spike. SPIKE: So. This a private game, or, uh, can anyone join in? Buffy runs up. BUFFY: Dawn, are you... Buffy pauses, stares at the scene. Justin lets go of Dawn, who moves a foot or two away from him. BUFFY: (outraged) Were you parking?! With a vamp? DAWN: I-I didn't know he was dead! JUSTIN: Living dead. DAWN: Shut up! BUFFY: How could you not know? DAWN: I just met him! BUFFY: Oh! Oh, so you were parking in the woods with a boy you just met. JUSTIN: We've seen each other at parties. BUFFY: Shut up. (to Dawn) I don't believe you! Spike looks around with a frown. DAWN: Oh, like you've never fallen for a vampire? BUFFY: That was different. DAWN: It always is when it's you. VAMP 1: Uh, excuse me! Can we fight now? BUFFY: Hey, didn't anyone come here to just make out? One guy and girl in the back, not vampires, raise their hands. BUFFY: Aw, that's sweet. You run. The guy and girl do so. BUFFY: (to Vamp 1) You scream. Buffy, Spike, and Giles take off in different directions. Spike pursues the vamp who complained. The vamp kicks him and Spike punches him a few times. Giles stands by one of the cars and hits one vamp, gets kicked in the chest by another and then she pins him against the car VAMP 2: Die, slayer! Vamp 2 rushes at Buffy. She simply steps back and stakes him as he runs past her. BUFFY: Mm-hmm. He dusts. JUSTIN: (to Dawn) Your sister's the slayer? I totally get it! I knew there was something about you. Dawn makes an angry face, knees him in the groin and runs off. Giles continues to have difficulties with two female vamps. One is on his back and he manages to throw her onto the other. BUFFY: Giles! Buffy throws him a stake. He catches it, stakes one vamp, ducks a punch and stakes the second. Giles pauses, looks around. Suddenly another vamp appears and tackles him, both landing on the car's roof and sliding off the other end. Spike continues trading blows with the first vamp. Spike takes a hit and goes down. VAMP 1: What is your malfunction, man?! Spike makes an angry face, gets up and shoves the vamp down into the dirt. SPIKE: It's Halloween, you nit! We take the night off. Those are the rules. VAMP 1: (gets up) Me and mine don't follow no stinkin' rules! We're rebels! He takes a swing at Spike, who blocks it, head-butts him, and then kicks him in the chest. The vamp slams back against a tree trunk and slides down it to the ground. SPIKE: No. I'm a rebel. You're an idiot. Spike pulls out his crossbow and shoots the vamp. Vamp 1 dusts. Spike begins reloading the crossbow. SPIKE: Give the lot of us a bad name. He finishes reloading, looks up just as another vamp tackles him. The crossbow goes off accidentally, the arrow flying off into the woods as Spike and the vampire hit the ground. Buffy continues fighting another vamp. They trade blows and then he picks her up and slams her onto the hood of a car. Buffy rolls aside as he punches. His fist goes through the metal. While he struggles to pull it out, Buffy kicks him, flips up to stand on the car. The vamp grabs for her and she jumps out of the way. He grabs both her legs and she falls on her butt on the car, gets one leg free and kicks him away. The vamp comes back, punches Buffy, pins her against the car and pulls the antenna loose from the car. He tries to garrote her with it but she pushes him away, uses the side of the car to flip around behind him, tries to garrote him in return. He breaks free and they trade some more punches and kicks. The vamp rushes Buffy and she opens the car door to block him. He punches at her and his fist shatters the car window. He swings at Buffy and she grabs him, pulls him through the car window to the other side, kicks him back and slams the car door on his head. He dusts. Buffy turns and walks off. Cut to Dawn walking slowly through the forest. She hears a noise and turns, nervous. She continues to walk backward, looking around, very scared. Justin suddenly appears behind her. JUSTIN: Trick or treat. Dawn screams, runs off, but Justin grabs her by the back of her (his) jacket and pulls her to the ground. He lands on top of her, straddling her, holding her hands down. JUSTIN: Give me something good to eat. DAWN: I thought you really liked me. He lets go of her hands and sits up a little, still straddling her. JUSTIN: I do. And you like me too. DAWN: (sighs, nods) I do. Justin leans down to bite her. Dawn looks at the sky. Suddenly he stops, gasps, and turns to dust. We see the stake in Dawn's hand. She lies there looking upset. Cut to the Summers house. Xander and Anya are preparing to leave. BUFFY: Sorry about the party. XANDER: Aah, don't worry about it. ANYA: It gave me more time to plan the bridal shower. Where do we order obscenely muscular male strippers? XANDER: Anya. ANYA: Well, I'm kidding, geez. Xander exits. Anya mouths at Buffy, "we'll talk," and exits too. Spike comes up behind Buffy. SPIKE: Guess I should bugger off. Something about big bads not venturing far from their crypts on Halloween. BUFFY: Good fight. Spike nods at her, exits. Buffy watches him go as Willow comes up behind her. WILLOW: So, uh, big monster mashing? Sorry we missed it. Tara comes up to them too, walks past Willow to stand beside Buffy. TARA: As long as Dawn's all right. WILLOW: Yeah, that's what's- TARA: (to Buffy) I, I think I'm gonna turn in. Good night. Tara goes up the stairs. Willow looks concerned. WILLOW: Tara ... Tara. Willow follows Tara. Buffy watches them go. In background we can see Dawn sitting by herself in the dining room. Giles comes up and watches Willow and Tara go too. He's holding an ice-pack to his mouth. BUFFY: How's your face? GILES: (takes the icepack away from his face) Oh, still ruggedly handsome. 'Grandpa,' indeed. (puts the ice back) Ow. BUFFY: (looking toward Dawn) She's taking it pretty hard. GILES: Well, it's not surprising. Still, we can't ignore this kind of behavior. Something needs to be done before it spins out of control. BUFFY: (nods) You're right. I'm glad you're here to take care of it. Don't ... be too hard on her, okay? Buffy goes up the stairs. Giles stares after her in surprise. Then he turns and goes reluctantly into the dining room, goes over to Dawn, takes the ice-pack off his face again. GILES: We need to have a conversation. DAWN: (quietly) This the part where you tell me you're not angry ... just disappointed? (looks anxiously at him) GILES: Pretty much. (tosses the ice-pack onto the table) Except for the bit about not being angry. Dawn looks scared. Cut to Willow and Tara's room. WILLOW: I, I'm sorry, okay? TARA: It's not that easy. We see Tara taking throw-pillows off the bed. Both she and Willow wear pajamas. WILLOW: Well, what do you want me to do? Reverse time and take it back? (small laugh) 'Cause I could probably- Tara gives her a grim look. WILLOW: Joke. I don't think I could really- TARA: (angrily) You know what, can, can we not do this now? I'm tired. (gets into bed) WILLOW: Okay. Let's just forget it ever happened. Willow goes over to a side table, picks up a small piece of herb with a couple of flowers on it. She holds it in her palm. WILLOW: (softly) Forget. A flash of light moves across the herb, leaving it dead and wilted. Willow turns off the light, goes over to the bed and turns off another light, gets into bed. Tara smiles, giggles. TARA: Ooh, your feet are cold. WILLOW: Better warm me up. TARA: Mmm. Tara snuggles up to Willow. TARA: This is how every day should always end ... and start. And all the stuff in the middle. (kisses Willow's cheek) WILLOW: (smiles) So, uh ... you're not mad? TARA: 'Bout what? Willow smiles to herself and closes her eyes. Blackout. Executive Producers: Joss Whedon and Marti Noxon.

Sunnydale is alive with the sound of music as a mysterious force causes everyone in town to burst into full musical numbers, revealing their innermost secrets as they do. But some townsfolk are dancing so much that they simply burst into flames, and it becomes clear that maybe living in a musical isn't so great after all.

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Scene: The apartment. Raj: Water Demon. Howard: Ice Dragon. Leonard: Lesser Warlord of Ka'a. Sheldon: Not so fast. Infinite Sheldon. Leonard: Infinite Sheldon? Sheldon: Yes, Infinite Sheldon defeats all other cards and does not violate the rule against homemade cards because I made it at work. Leonard: Do you understand why people don't want to play with you? Sheldon: No, although it's a question I've been pondering since preschool. Leonard: Hey. Zack: Hey. Leonard: Hey. Penny: Hey, your copy of Science magazine was in my mailbox. Leonard: Oh, thanks. Penny: Mm-hmm. Zack: Check it out, all about planets this month. Leonard: That's an atom. Zack: Agree to disagree. That's what I love about science, there's no one right answer. Leonard: So, you and Zack again, huh? Penny: Yeah, yeah, me and Zack again. Zack: Were we here earlier? Penny: Okay, we should, we should go. Zack: Ah, not yet. I want to talk science with the science dudes. Howard: Oh, and the science dudes want to talk science with you. What do you want to talk about, rocks, dinosaurs, our friend the beaver? Zack: You know, I saw this great thing on the Discovery Channel. Turns out that if you kill a starfish, it'll just come back to life. Sheldon: Was the starfish wearing boxer shorts? Because you might have been watching Nickelodeon. Zack: No, I'm almost sure that it was the Discovery Channel. It was a great show. They also said dolphins might be smarter than people. Leonard: They might be smarter than some people. Zack: Well, maybe we can do an experiment to find out. Sheldon: Oh, that's easy enough. We'd need a large tank of water, a hoop to jump through, and a bucket of whatever bite-sized treats you find tasty. Zack: I don't get it. Leonard: A dolphin might. Zack: Oh, I see. You guys are inferring that I'm stupid. Sheldon: That's not correct. We were implying it. You then inferred it. Zack: Let's go. Penny: You know, for a group of guys who claim they spent most of their lives being bullied, you can be real jerks. Shame on all of you. (Closes door) Raj: What the hell did I do? Penny (Opens door again): You laughed. Scene: The same. Leonard: You think Penny's right? Were we bullying Zack? Howard: No, I know bullying. He left here unswirlied and his ass crack was underpants-free. Raj: And nobody drew a pen1s on his forehead. Leonard: That happened to you? Raj: First day of cricket camp. They drew it so the testicles were my eyes. Leonard: I don't know, I think we might owe the guy an apology. Howard: So go apologize. Leonard: Why me? Howard: You started it, we just piled on. Leonard: What would I even say? Sheldon: Zack, I'm sorry you're stupid. Have a Milk Dud. Raj: A Milk Dud? Sheldon: Yeah, Milk Duds, with their self-deprecating name and remarkably mild flavour, are the most apologetic of the boxed candies. Leonard: I got a better idea. We're all responsible. I say we all go. Come on, who's with me? Free comic books to anyone who comes with me. I might get punched. You really want to miss that? Raj: Junior Mints are pretty apologetic. Sheldon: You're embarrassing yourself. Scene: At Penny's door. Leonard knocks three times. Sheldon: Penny. Penny: What? Leonard: Yeah, we came to talk to Zack. Hey, Zack. Zack: What do you want? Leonard: Listen, uh, the stuff we were saying before, we were just kidding around. Zack: No, you weren't. You were making fun of me. Leonard: Come on, that's what we do. We give each other a hard time. Hey, Sheldon, you look like a praying mantis. Sheldon: That's very hurtful. Leonard: See? Zack: I don't know, it still wasn't very nice. Sheldon: Milk Dud? Zack: Oh, I love Milk Duds. Okay, we're cool. Sheldon (to Raj): Junior Mints. Zack: You guys want to come in and have a beer? Leonard: Uh, we're on our way to the comic book store. Howard: Leonard's buying. Zack: Really? I haven't been to a comic book store in literally a million years. Sheldon: Literally? Literally a million years? Leonard: Don't. Zack: You want to go with 'em? Penny: No. Zack: Okay, see you later. Penny: Wait, w-w-wait-wait-wait, you're ditching me to go look at comic books? Zack: Are you mad at me? Penny: I'm not happy. Zack: Milk Dud? Scene: The comic book store. Zack: Wow, this place is awesome. Where do they keep the Archies? Sheldon: In the bedrooms of ten-year-old girls, where they belong. Zack: Oh, no, you're thinking old-school Archie. It's much more sophisticated now. Like, there's two universes, and Archie's married to Betty in one and Veronica in the other. Midge is even breaking up with Moose. Raj: No. Zack: About time, right? Stuart: Hey. Zack: Hey. Stuart: You guys finally chip in for a bodyguard? Leonard: Uh, no. Oh, this is Zack. He's a friend of ours. Zack, this is Stuart. He owns the store. Zack: Wow, lucky you. Stuart: Yeah, I work 70 hours a week and average a dollar sixty five an hour. Zack: Sweet. Stuart: Is that sarcasm? Howard: Uh, no, it's an indictment of the American education system. Raj: The Archies are over here. Zack: Yippee. Stuart: So are you guys coming to my New Year's Eve costume party? Sheldon: Of course. We're coming as the Justice League of America. Howard: Switching it up from last year when we came as the Justice League of America. Sheldon: To that point, it occurs to me that we might have an opportunity to finally snare Best Group Costume if we shore up our weak link, which is clearly Leonard as Superman. Leonard: Hey, I got new boots this year. Guaranteed to add three inches. Sheldon: That's sad. Let's ask ourselves, is there anyone we know who would make a more manly and convincing son of Krypton? Stuart: Than than Leonard in high-heeled boots? Howard's mother in high-heeled boots? Sheldon: I was thinking specifically of the gentleman over there moving his lips as he enjoys the latest exploits of Betty and Veronica. Leonard: Zack? Howard: He is the only person we know with actual muscles. Leonard: You can't replace me with Zack. Sheldon: Why not? Penny did it. Howard: Yeah, she seems happier. Why wouldn't we be? Zack: Score. I got an Archie, Betty and Veronica, and a Jughead. All set for my weekend number twos. Sheldon: Congratulations. Zack, how would you like to be Superman? Zack: I don't know, sounds like a lot of responsibility. Scene: The stairwell. Leonard: Fine, if Zack's going to be Superman, I want to be Green Lantern. Raj: But I'm Green Lantern. Leonard: You can be Aquaman. Raj: I don't want to be Aquaman. He sucks. He sucks underwater. He sucks fish pee. Sheldon: Excuse me, I believe Aquaman uses his telepathic powers to request the fish do their business elsewhere. Zack: Hey, babe. Penny: I'm still mad at you. Zack: Well, you won't be when you hear the great news. Penny: What great news? Zack: We're going to a costume party at the comic book store on New Year's Eve, and you get to be Wonder Woman. Sheldon: Complete with bulletproof bracelets and lasso of truth. Invisible plane sold separately. Penny: Wait, why me? Wh-Why can't your girlfriend be Wonder Woman? Howard: She and her lab team are under quarantine. Seems at the Christmas party they were doing Jell-O shots out of petri dishes that used to contain yellow fever. Penny: Okay, what about your friend Amy? Sheldon: Amy Farrah Fowler doesn't believe in wearing costumes. She isn't the free spirit I am. Penny: Okay, well, forget it. I'm not spending my New Year's Eve at a comic book store wearing a Wonder Woman costume. Howard (after Raj whispers to him): He says he'll wear it if you'll be Aquaman. Scene: The apartment. Leonard is dressed as Green Lantern, Sheldon as The Flash. Leonard: What are you doing? Sheldon: We're going to be late. I'm pacing nervously. Leonard: You're jogging. Sheldon: This is how the Flash paces. Leonard; Just chill out, Sheldon. Sheldon: I'm not Sheldon. I'm the Flash. And now I'm going to the Grand Canyon to scream in frustration. I'm back. Howard: I'm Batman. Sheldon: Oh, I hardly think so. The real caped crusader calls his crime-fighting cohorts when he's running late. Howard: I had to walk. I couldn't get Raj on the back of my scooter. Raj: I've said this before, and I'll say it again. Aquaman sucks. Zack: Look up in the sky. It's a bird. It's a plane. I forget the rest. Penny: All right. Let's get this thing over with. Sheldon: I'm sorry. But in what universe is Wonder Woman blonde? Howard: Relax. No one's going to be looking at her hair. Ow! I mean, ow. Zack: Hold on. The costume came with a black wig. Where is it, babe? Penny: No. I'm not wearing it. It looks stupid. Zack: Come on. We're trying to win a contest here. Penny: Forget it. I'm not wearing the wig. Zack: Penny, there's no I in Justice League. Howard: Well, actually. Sheldon: Don't. He's making our case. Zack: Okay, babe. Uh, kind of embarrassing me in front of my friends. Penny: Okay. You know what? I changed my mind. I'm not going. Raj: Looks like someone else is going to have to be Wonder Woman. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene: Penny's door. Zack: Babe, open up. Penny: I'm not talking to you. Zack: Then who are you talking to? Babe? Sheldon: (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny. Penny: What the hell is wrong with you? Sheldon: I'm the Flash. I just knocked 30,000 times. Penny: Okay. What do you want, Sheldon? Sheldon: I understand why you're upset. Penny: Really? Sheldon: Yes. You're afraid that costume makes you look fat. Penny: No. Wait, wait, does it? Sheldon: Don't worry. Wonder Woman was an Amazon. And Amazons tend to be very beefy gals. Penny: Good-bye, Sheldon. Sheldon: But they're not blonde, so put on your wig. Hello? Scene: The apartment. Raj: Stupid Aquaman. Leonard: If it makes you feel any better, when I was dating Penny, she used to flip out on me all the time. Zack: Whoa. You dated Penny? Leonard: She didn't tell you? Zack: She told me she dated a guy named Leonard. Who would have thought it was you? Leonard: Who else would it be? Zack: I don't know. Somebody bigger and, yeah, sure. Why not you? Sheldon: I may have failed. Howard: Okay, I guess we just go without a Wonder Woman. Zack: I don't want to go without Penny. Raj: Oh, great. No Superman, no Wonder Woman? All we've got is a skinny Flash, an Indian Aquaman, a nearsighted Green Lantern, and a teeny, tiny Dark Knight. Sheldon: Obviously, we're no longer a Justice League. We have no choice but to switch to our Muppet Baby costumes. Raj: Ooh, I call Kermit. Sheldon: I'm Kermit. You're Scooter. Raj: Oh, man. Scooter sucks. He's the Aquaman of the Muppet Babies. Howard: No, we can still make this work. Leonard, you talk to Penny. Leonard: What makes you think I can convince her? Howard: You got her to have s*x with you. Obviously, your superpower is brainwashing. Leonard: Okay, let me see if I understand this. You want me to convince my ex-girlfriend to go to a costume party with her new boyfriend just so we can win a stupid prize? Sheldon: Yes. And make her wear the black wig. Good luck. Scene: Penny's apartment. Knocking. Penny: Go away, Sheldon. Leonard: It's Leonard. Penny: Oh. Go away, Leonard. Leonard; Come on, let me just talk to you. Penny: It's open. Leonard: Hey. Penny: I'm not going to that party, Leonard. Leonard: Okay, listen. You don't have to wear the wig. At this party, we're gonna win first prize just by showing up with a girl. Penny: It's not the wig. Leonard: Did I do something? I mean, I tried to be friends with Zack, like you said, which believe me, was difficult, given how you and me used to be, you know, you and me, and now you and him are you and him. Penny: Okay, look. We're not really me and him. Leonard: Then what are you? Penny: I don't know. I only started seeing Zack again so I wouldn't be alone on New Year's Eve. How pathetic is that? Leonard: Not as pathetic as dressing up like this and going to a comic book store on New Year's Eve. Penny: You make a cute Green Arrow. Leonard: Green Lantern. Penny: Like there's a difference. Leonard: There's a big difference. Arrow. Lantern. Penny: Whatever. Look, if Zack and I had just gone to a regular club or a party, it would have been fine, but this, with the costumes, and you. Leonard: What about me? Penny: Nothing. Let's go to the party. (Puts on wig) How do I look? Leonard: Um, I guarantee you'll be the prettiest girl there. Howard (outside the door): Okay, the good news is, we have a Wonder Woman. Sheldon: Oh. Zack: Yes. Sheldon: What's the bad news? Howard: Superman probably isn't getting laid tonight. Zack: Aw, damn. Scene: The party. Stuart: And the award for best group costume goes to Justice League of America number three! Sheldon: Thank you! Thank you so much! Stuart: Okay. Okay, ten seconds to midnight. All: Ten, nine, eight... Sheldon: No, wait! I have a speech. All: Seven, six... Sheldon: Stop counting! All: Five, four, three... Sheldon: This is my moment, dag nab it! All: Two, one! Happy New Year! Sheldon: I'm not going to say another word until you people settle down. I'm waiting. Scene: The street. Zack: That was a great party. We should dress like this all the time. Penny: Are you high? Leonard: You're being a bully. Howard: Check it out. Those guys are breaking into that car. Leonard: What should we do? Sheldon: We're the Justice League of America. There's only one thing we can do. Turn around and slowly walk away. Zack (after a moment's thought): Nah. Hold up. Scene: The apartment. Leonard: Look, I know our winter thermostat setting is 72 degrees, but I'm a little warm, so I'm going to turn it down. Sheldon (as The Flash, runs to the Grand Canyon): Good Lord, how you frustrate me, Leonard Hofstadter! (Runs back) Fine.

Penny gets back together with Zack. The guys insult Zack's low intelligence which upsets him; however he reconciles with the four and accompanies them to the comic book store. The five enter a costume contest and urge Penny to join in a Wonder Woman costume. She refuses until Leonard talks to her. She reveals that she got back together with Zack only because she did not want to spend New Year's Eve alone. Leonard questions why not with him, prompting Penny to suddenly remember the fun times she used to have with him, convincing her to change her mind. At the comic book store, the group win the award for the Best Group Costume, although it is hinted that they only won because they included a female Wonder Woman. The episode concludes with the six witnessing an ongoing car theft and then scurrying off cowardly despite wearing Justice League costumes.

fd_Doctor_Who_05x07

fd_Doctor_Who_05x07_0

EXT. ENGLISH VILLAGE, DAY We hear birds and see the outlying fields of the village and then a two-story stone cottage. INT. COTTAGE, KITCHEN, DAY AMY is mixing something in a bowl and as the camera moves up from the counter, we see she is very pregnant. Suddenly, she gasps and sets the bowl down on the table. AMY: (screams) RORY-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y! EXT. COTTAGE FRONT, DAY RORY rides into the yard on a bicycle with a basket on the front. He is now sporting his hair long and in a ponytail. AMY: (V.O.) Rory, it's starting! RORY drops the bike to the ground and runs inside. INT. COTTAGE, KITCHEN, DAY RORY: (rushes to her side) Ah. OK, OK... AMY is sitting down, eating the batter from the bowl. AMY: False alarm. RORY: What? AMY: False alarm. RORY: What? AMY: Well, I don't know what it feels like. I've never had a baby before. (feeds him some of the batter) There is a whooshing sound in the background. RORY: Mmm! AMY: No. (stands) RORY: I know - leaf blowers. Use a rake! AMY: (puts the bowl on the table) No, it's... They both look to the window and see the TARDIS materialize outside AMY: I knew. I just knew. They both head outside. EXT. COTTAGE FRONT, DAY The TARDIS has landed in the middle of AMY'S flowers. The door opens and the DOCTOR pops his head out to see where he is. He then steps out, knocking a stone from the small retaining wall. DOCTOR: Rory. RORY comes out to greet him. RORY: Doctor. DOCTOR: I've crushed your flowers. RORY: Oh, Amy will kill you. DOCTOR: Where is she? RORY: She'll need a bit longer. DOCTOR: Whenever you're ready, Amy. (AMY arrives) Oh, wahey! Wahey. You've swallowed a planet. (rests a hand on her stomach) AMY: I'm pregnant. DOCTOR: You're huge. AMY: Yeah, I'm pregnant. DOCTOR: Look at you. When worlds collide. AMY: Doctor, I'm pregnant. DOCTOR: Oh, look at you both. Five years later and you haven't changed a bit. (hugs AMY) Apart from age and size. AMY: Good to see you, Doctor. DOCTOR: Are you pregnant? AMY shakes her head and goes back inside. The DOCTOR, claps RORY on the shoulder before they both follow. EXT. UPPER LEADWORTH, DAY The Doctor, AMY and RORY walk down a village lane. DOCTOR: Ah, Leadworth. Vibrant as ever. RORY: It's Upper Leadworth, actually. We've gone slightly upmarket. DOCTOR: Where is everyone? AMY: This is busy. OK, it's quiet, but it's really restful and healthy. Loads of people here live well into their 90s. POV switches to a woman watching from a window. DOCTOR: Well, don't let that get you down. AMY: It's not getting me down. POV switches back as the three of them sit on a bench in a cul-du-sac. DOCTOR: I wanted to see how you were. I don't just abandon people when they leave the TARDIS. This Time Lord's for life. You don't get rid of the Doctor so easily. AMY: You came here by mistake, didn't you? DOCTOR: Yeah, bit of a mistake. But look, what a result. Look at this...bench. What a nice bench. What will they think of next? The three of them sit there, bored and with nothing to say. DOCTOR: So. What do you do around here to stave off the, you know... AMY: Boredom? DOCTOR: Self harm. RORY: We relax...(the DOCTOR mouths "relax") We live, we listen to the birds. A little bit of snow begins to fall. AMY: Yeah, see, birds. Those are nice. RORY: We didn't get time to listen to birdsong back in the TARDIS days. The birdsong becomes louder. DOCTOR: Oh, blimey. My head's a bit, ooh...(holds his head in his hand then sits back up) No, you're right, there wasn't a lot of time for birdsong back in the good...(begins to drift off) old... days. The three fall asleep on the bench. INT. TARDIS The DOCTOR wakes up on the floor. DOCTOR: What? No, yes, sorry, what? (AMY and RORY meet him by the console) Oh, you're OK. Oh, thank God. I had a terrible nightmare about you two. That was scary. Don't ask, you don't want to know. You're safe now. (hugs AMY) AMY: Oh, OK. DOCTOR: That's what counts. Blimey, never dropped off like that before. Well, never, really. I'm getting on a bit, you see. Don't let the cool gear fool you. Now, what's wrong with the console? (examines console) Red flashing lights... I bet they mean something. RORY: Doctor, I also had a kind of dream thing. AMY: Yeah, so did I. RORY: Not a nightmare, though, just... we were married. AMY: Yeah, in a little village. The DOCTOR stands and looks at them, surprised. RORY: A sweet little village, and you were pregnant. AMY: Yeah, I was huge. I was a boat. The DOCTOR walks up behind RORY and tugs on his hoodie. RORY: So you had the same dream, then? Exactly the same dream? AMY: Are you calling me a boat? RORY: And Doctor, you were visiting. The DOCTOR holds open AMY'S jacket. AMY: Yeah, yeah, you came to our cottage. RORY: How can we have the same dream? It doesn't make sense. AMY: And you had a nightmare about us. What happened to us in the nightmare? DOCTOR: It was similar, in some aspects. RORY: Which aspects? DOCTOR: Well, all of them. AMY: You had the same dream. DOCTOR: Basically. RORY: You said it was a nightmare. DOCTOR: Did I say nightmare? No. More of a really good...mare. Look, it doesn't matter. We all had some kind of psychic episode. We probably jumped a time track. (birdsong) Forget it, we're back to reality now. AMY: Doctor, if we're back to reality how come I can still hear birds? RORY: Yeah, the same birds. The same ones we heard in the... EXT. UPPER LEADWORTH, DAY They wake up on the bench, RORY and the DOCTOR, heads together. RORY: ...dream. (pulls away from the DOCTOR in embarrassment) Oh. Sorry. Nodded off, stupid. God, I must be overdoing it. I was dreaming we were back on the TARDIS. (the DOCTOR gets up and RORY looks at AMY) You had the same dream, didn't you? AMY: (nods) Back in the TARDIS. Weren't we just saying the same thing? RORY: But we thought this was the dream. The DOCTOR picks up a small stone from the path, examines it, and then throws it back to the ground. AMY: (stands) I think so. Why do dreams fade so quickly? RORY: (walks over to the DOCTOR) Doctor, what is going on? AMY: Is this because of you? Is this some Time Lord thing because you've shown up again? DOCTOR: Listen to me. Trust nothing. From now on, trust nothing you see, hear or feel. RORY: But we're awake now. DOCTOR: You thought you were awake on the TARDIS too. AMY: (looking around) But we're home. DOCTOR: Yeah. You're home. You're also dreaming. Trouble is, Rory, Amy, which is which? Are we flashing forwards... or backwards? Hold on tight. This is going be a tricky one. [SCENE_BREAK] Matt Smith Karen Gillan "Amy's Choice" by Simon Nye Producer Tracie Simpson Director Catherine Moreshead [SCENE_BREAK] INT. TARDIS AMY wakes in one of the chairs with a gasp. The DOCTOR grips a lever on the console to mover it. DOCTOR: This is bad. I don't like this. (kicks console and hurts foot) Argh! Never use force. You just embarrass yourself. Unless you're cross, in which case - always use force. AMY: Shall I run and get the manual? DOCTOR: (goes down stairs to look under the console) I threw it in a supernova. AMY: You threw the manual in a supernova? Why? DOCTOR: Because I disagreed with it. Stop talking to me when I'm cross. (wags finger at her) RORY: OK, but whatever's wrong with the TARDIS, is that what caused us to dream about the future? DOCTOR: If we were dreaming of the future...(heads back upstairs) AMY: Of course we were. We were in Leadworth. RORY: Upper Leadworth. DOCTOR: Yeah, and we could still be in Upper Leadworth, dreaming of this. Don't you get it? AMY: No, OK, no, this is real. I'm definitely awake now. DOCTOR: And you thought you were awake when you were all elephanty. AMY: Hey, pregnant. DOCTOR: And you could be giving birth right now. This could be the dream. I told you, trust nothing we see or hear or feel. Look around you. Examine everything. Look for all the details that don't ring true. (goes to console) RORY: OK, we're in a spaceship that's bigger on the inside than the outside. AMY: With a bow tie-wearing alien. RORY: So maybe "what rings true" isn't so simple. DOCTOR: Valid point. The TARDIS powers down leaving them in virtual darkness, the only light coming from the console. DOCTOR: It's dead. We're in a dead time machine. The birdsong returns. As the TARDIS becomes darker, RORY goes to AMY and takes her in his arms. DOCTOR: Remember - this is real, but when we wake up in the other place, remember how real this feels. AMY: It is real. I know it's real. EXT. UPPER LEADWORTH, DAY The DOCTOR is standing in the middle of the street as a group of schoolchildren pass by. AMY and RORY wake up on the bench outside the library. AMY: OK. This is the real one, definitely this one. (Rubs stomach) It's all solid. DOCTOR: It felt solid in the TARDIS too. You can't spot a dream while you're having it. (waves fingers in front of his face) RORY: What are you doing? DOCTOR: Looking for motion blur, pixilation. It could be a computer simulation. I don't think so, though. WOMAN: (walks by) Hello, Doctor. DOCTOR: Hi. RORY: Hello. The WOMAN pauses to look back before continuing on. DOCTOR: You're a doctor. RORY: Yeah. And unlike you, I've actually passed some exams. DOCTOR: A doctor, not a nurse. Just like you've always dreamed. How interesting. (walks away) RORY: (follows) What is? DOCTOR: Your dream wife, your dream job, probably your dream baby. Maybe this is your dream. RORY: It's Amy's dream too. Isn't it, Amy? AMY: Yes. Course it is, yeah. DOCTOR: (points with thumb over his shoulder) What's that? AMY: Old people's home. The DOCTOR looks at the home and sees the residents at the windows looking out. DOCTOR: You said everyone here lives to their 90s. There's something here that doesn't make sense. Let's go and poke it with a stick. The DOCTOR heads off and RORY follows with a groan. AMY: (hands on back) Oh. Can we not do the running thing? INT. OLD PEOPLE'S HOME, LOUNGE, DAY The residents are relaxing in the room. MRS POGGIT is knitting. RESIDENT: Oh, hello, Dr Williams. MRS POGGIT: (looks up from knitting) Hello, Rory, love. RORY: Hello, Mrs Poggit. How's your hip? MRS POGGIT: A bit stiff. DOCTOR: Oh, easy, D-96 compound, plus... No, you don't have that yet, forget that. MRS POGGIT: Who's your friend? A junior doctor? RORY: Yes. MRS POGGIT: Can I borrow you? You're the size of my grandson. DOCTOR: (kneels as MRS POGGIT puts a jumper over his head) Slightly keen to move on. Freak psychic schism to sort out. (leans forward, forcing MRS POGGIT to sit back) You're incredibly old, aren't you? The residents look on as birdsong begins and the DOCTOR, AMY and RORY fall to the floor, asleep. INT. TARDIS The three of them wake leaning against the console. AMY: OK, I hate this, Doctor. stop it, because this is definitely real, it's definitely this one. I keep saying that, don't I? The DOCTOR goes to the upper level. RORY: It's bloody cold. DOCTOR: The heating's off. RORY: The heating's off? DOCTOR: Yeah. Put on a jumper. That's what I always do. RORY: Yes, sorry about Mrs Poggit. She's so lovely though. DOCTOR: Oh, I wouldn't believe her nice old lady act if I were you. AMY: What do you mean, "act"? DOCTOR: Everything's off, sensors, core power. We're drifting. The scanner's down so we can't even see out. We could be anywhere.(heads back to the console) Someone, something, is overriding my controls. A hologram of a man appears at the top of the steps. He is short, has a receding hairline and is a little on the heavy side. He is dressed similarly to the DOCTOR in a tweed jacket, striped shirt and bow tie. HOLOGRAM: Well, that took a while. (walks down steps) Honestly, I'd heard such good things. Last of the Time Lords, the Oncoming Storm. Him in the bow tie. DOCTOR: How did you get into my TARDIS? What are you? HOLOGRAM: What shall we call me? Well, if you're the Time Lord, let's call me the Dream Lord. DOCTOR: Nice look. DREAM LORD: This? No, I'm not convinced. Bow ties? The DOCTOR takes an item from his pocket and throws it at the DREAM LORD. The item passes through him. DOCTOR: Interesting. DREAM LORD: I'd love to be impressed, but Dream Lord - it's in the name, isn't it? Spooky, not quite there. (reappears behind them) And yet, very much here. DOCTOR: I'll do the talking, thank you. Amy, want to take a guess at what that is? AMY: Um. Dream Lord. He creates dreams. DOCTOR: Dreams, delusions, cheap tricks. DREAM LORD: And what about the gooseberry here, does he get a guess? RORY: Listen, mate, if anyone's the gooseberry around here, it's the Doctor. DREAM LORD: There's a delusion I'm not responsible for. RORY: No, he is. Isn't he, Amy? DREAM LORD: Oh, Amy, have to sort your men out. Choose, even. AMY: I have chosen. Of course I've chosen. (without taking her eyes from DREAM LORD, smacks RORY on the chest) It's you, stupid. RORY: Oh, good, thanks. DREAM LORD: You can't fool me. I've seen your dreams. Some of them twice, Amy. Blimey, I'd blush if I had a blood supply or a real face. DOCTOR: Where did you pick up this cheap cabaret act? DREAM LORD: Me? Oh, you're on shaky ground. DOCTOR: Am I? DREAM LORD: If you had any more tawdry quirks you could open up a Tawdry Quirk Shop. The madcap vehicle, the cockamamie hair, the clothes designed by a first-year fashion student... I'm surprised you haven't got a little purple space dog just to ram home what an intergalactic wag you are. Where was I? RORY: You were... DREAM LORD: (moves to the upper level) I know where I was. So, here's your challenge. Two worlds. Here in the time machine, and there in the village that time forgot. One is real, the other's fake. And just to make it more interesting you're going to face in both worlds a deadly danger. But only one of the dangers is real. Tweet, tweet. Time to sleep. (the DOCTOR, AMY and RORY fall to the floor asleep) Oh, or are you waking up? INT. OLD PEOPLE'S HOME, LOUNGE, DAY They wake up in the empty lounge. DREAM LORD: (enters dressed in a suit holding X-ray film) Oh, this is bad. This is very, very bad. Look at this X-ray. Your brain is completely see-through. But then, I've always been able to see through you, Doctor. AMY: Always? What do you mean, always? DREAM LORD: Now then, the prognosis is this. (the DOCTOR sits in MRS POGGIT'S vacated chair) If you die in the dream you wake up in reality. Healthy recovery in next to no time. Ask me what happens if you die in reality? RORY: What happens? DREAM LORD: You die, stupid. That's why it's called reality. AMY: Have you met the Doctor before? Do you know him? Doctor, does he? DREAM LORD: Now don't get jealous. He's been around, our boy. Never mind that. You've got a world to choose. One reality was always too much for you, Doctor. Take two and call me in the morning. (disappears) RORY: OK, I don't like him. AMY: (crosses arms) Who is he? DOCTOR: I don't know. It's a big universe. AMY: Why is he doing this? DOCTOR: Maybe because he has no physical form. That gets you down after a while, so he's taking it out on folk like us who can touch and eat and feel. (stands and removes jumper) RORY: What does he mean, deadly danger? Nothing deadly has happened here. A bit of natural wastage, obviously. DOCTOR: They've all gone. They've all gone. The DOCTOR runs out and the others follow. EXT. UPPER LEADWORTH, DAY Children are out in the playground next to the local ruins. A teacher is with them. The DOCTOR exits the old people's home and watches as some of the children head into the ruins. RORY: Why would they leave? AMY: And what did you mean about Mrs Poggit's act? DOCTOR: One of my tawdry quirks - sniffing out things that aren't what they seem. So come on, let's think. The mechanics of this split we're stuck in... Time asleep matches time in our dream world, unlike in conventional dreams. RORY: And we're dreaming the same dream at the same time. DOCTOR: Yes, sort of communal trance, very rare, very complicated. I'm sure there's a dream giveaway. But my mind isn't working because this village is so dull! I'm slowing down, like you two have. AMY: (grabs stomach) Oh. Ow. Really. Ow! (screams) It's coming. DOCTOR: (to RORY) Help her, you're a doctor. RORY: You're a doctor! DOCTOR: It's OK, we're doctors. (squats down as if to catch the baby as it falls out) What do we do? AMY: (stops panicking) OK, it's not coming. DOCTOR: (stands) What? AMY: This is my life now and it just turned you white as a sheet. So don't you call it dull again, ever. OK? DOCTOR: Sorry. AMY: Yeah. (walks off and RORY follows) The DOCTOR sees MRS POGGIT heading for the ruins. AMY heads for the swing set and sits. The DOCTOR takes the other before RORY gets a chance. DOCTOR: Now, we all know there's an elephant in the room. AMY: I have to be this size, I'm having a baby. DOCTOR: No, no. The hormones seem real, but no. Is nobody going to mention Rory's ponytail? (slowly smiles) You hold him down, I'll cut it off. (AMY chuckles) RORY: This from the man in the bow tie. DOCTOR: Bow ties are cool. (stands and watches MRS POGGIT watching the children) I don't know about you, but I wouldn't hire Mrs Poggit as a babysitter. (MRS POGGIT turns and watches the DOCTOR) What's she doing? What does she want? Birdsong begins again. AMY: Oh, no, here we go. INT. TARDIS The DOCTOR is at the console as AMY and RORY join him. AMY: (rubs arms) It's really cold. Have you got any warm clothing? DOCTOR: What does it matter if we're cold? We have to know what she is up to. Sorry. Sorry. (rubs face) There should be some stuff down there, have a look. AMY goes to look and, with a defiant zip of his hoodie, RORY follows. The DOCTOR goes into the space under the console, setting an enamel mug on a box with a crank. The crank comes off so the DOCTOR hits it. The box opens showing a number of gadgets inside. In a different section, AMY is looking through boxes for warm clothes. RORY: I want the other life. You know, where we're happy and settled and about to have a baby. AMY: But don't you wonder, if that life is real, then why would we give up all this? Why would anyone? RORY: Because we're going to freeze to death? AMY: The Doctor'll fix it. (throws RORY a blanket) RORY: OK. Because we're going to get married? (wraps AMY in the blanket) AMY: (giggles) But we can still get married. Some day. AMY: You don't want to any more? I thought you'd chosen me, not him. AMY: You are always so insecure. RORY: You ran off with another man. AMY: Not in that way. RORY: It was the night before our wedding. AMY: We're in a time machine. It's the night before our wedding for as long as we want. RORY: We have to grow up eventually. AMY: Says who? (finds some other blankets) AMY heads back to the console. The DOCTOR has created something out of kitchen gadgets and hands it to RORY. DOCTOR: Ah, Rory, wind. (hands AMY the attached wire) Amy, could you attach this to the monitor, please. RORY: I was promised amazing worlds. Instead I get duff central heating and a weird, kitchen wind-up device. DOCTOR: It's a generator. Get winding. AMY: It's not enough. DOCTOR: Rory, wind. RORY: (winding) You Why is the Dream Lord picking on you? Why us? The monitor screen beeps to life and shows a starscape. AMY: Where are we? DOCTOR: We're in trouble. RORY: What is that? DOCTOR: A star. A cold star. (runs to the doors and opens it, letting in a blinding light) That's why we're freezing. It's not a malfunction. We're drifting towards a cold sun. That's our danger for this version of reality. (closes door and looks at the larger monitor on the wall) AMY: This must be the dream. There is no such thing as a cold star. Stars burn. DOCTOR: So's this one. It's just burning cold. RORY: Is that possible? DOCTOR: I can't know everything. Why does everybody expect me to, always? (heads to console area and sits dejectedly) RORY: OK, this is something you haven't seen before. So does that mean this is the dream? DOCTOR: I don't know, but there it is, and I'd say we've got about 14 minutes until we crash into it. But that's not a problem. RORY: Because you know how to get us out of this? DOCTOR: (puts on stethoscope) Because we'll have frozen to death. AMY: Then what'll we do? DOCTOR: (takes stethoscope to console) Stay calm. Don't get sucked in to it, because this just might be the battle we have to lose. RORY: Oh, this is so you, isn't it? DOCTOR: What? RORY: What a weird new star, 14 minutes left to live and only one man to save the day. I just wanted a nice village and a family. The DREAM LORD appears behind the DOCTOR. DREAM LORD: Oh, dear, Doctor. Dissent in the ranks. There was an old doctor from Gallifrey, Who ended up throwing his life away, He let down his friends and... (stops at the sound of birdsong) Oh, no, we've run out of time. Don't spend too long there, or you'll catch your death here. [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. UPPER LEADWORTH, DAY The DOCTOR rushes up the steps into the ruins. DOCTOR: Where have the children gone? The area is empty aside from small piles of dirt and cloth. The DOCTOR checks them with the sonic. RORY: Don't know. Play time's probably over. (turns to AMY) You see, this is the real one. I just feel it. Don't you feel it? AMY: I feel it both places. RORY: I feel it here. It's just so tranquil and relaxed. Nothing bad could ever happen here. AMY: Not really me, though, is it? Would I be happy settling down in a place with a pub, two shops and a really bad amateur dramatics society? That's why I got pregnant, so I don't have to see them doing Oklahoma. Doctor, what are you doing? And what are those piles of dust? DOCTOR: (the DOCTOR lets some dust fall through his fingers) Play time's definitely over. AMY: Oh, my God. RORY: What happened to them? The DOCTOR looks into the village and sees the elderly walking along the path. DOCTOR: I think they did. AMY: They're just old people. DOCTOR: No. They're very old people. (heads down the steps) Sorry, Rory, I don't think you're what's been keeping them alive. The elderly line up along the path facing the park. The DOCTOR, AMY and RORY are heading towards them when the DREAM LORD appears. DREAM LORD: Hello, peasants. What's this, attack of the old people? Oh, that's ridiculous. This has got to be the dream, hasn't it? What do you think, Amy? Let's all jump under a bus and wake up in the TARDIS. (to DOCTOR) You first! DOCTOR: Leave her alone! DREAM LORD: Do that again. I love it when he does that. Tall dark hero, "leave her alone". RORY: Just leave her! DREAM LORD: Yes, you're not quite so impressive. But I know where your heart lies, don't I, Amy Pond? AMY: Shut up! Just shut up and leave me alone. DREAM LORD: But listen, you're in there. Loves a redhead, the Doctor! Has he told you about Elizabeth the First? Well, she thought she was the first... DOCTOR: Drop it. Drop all of it. I know who you are. DREAM LORD: Course you don't. DOCTOR: Course I do. No idea how you can be here, but there's only one person in the universe who hates me as much as you do. DREAM LORD: Never mind me! Maybe you SHOULD worry about them. The elderly of the village begin advancing. The DOCTOR, AMY and RORY look to the DREAM LORD then back to the elderly residents. RORY: Hi. DOCTOR: Hello. We were wondering where you went. To get reinforcements! Are you all right? You look a bit tense. RORY: (to old man) Hello, Mr Nainby! DOCTOR: Rory... RORY: Mr Nainby ran the sweet shop. He used to slip me the odd free toffee. (MR NAINBY lifts him by the collar) Did I not say thank you? (throws RORY backwards into the mud) How did he do that?! (stands) DOCTOR: I suspect he's not himself. Don't get comfortable here. You may have to run. Fast. AMY: Can't we just talk to them?! The elderly open their mouths to reveal an eye. AMY: There is an eye in her mouth! DOCTOR: (uses sonic screwdriver) There's a whole creature inside her. Inside all of them. They've been there for years, living and waiting. RORY: That is disgusting. They're not going to be peeping out of anywhere else are they? MRS POGGIT leans forward and shoots a green mist. RORY pulls AMY back to safety. The DOCTOR puts himself in front of them. DOCTOR: RUN! (RORY and AMY leave) OK, Leave them. Talk to me. Talk to me. You are Eknodines, a proud, ancient race - you're better than this. Why are you hiding away here? Why aren't you at home? "MRS POGGIT": We were driven from our pl... DOCTOR: ...Planet by upstart neighbours. "MR NAINBY": So we've... DOCTOR: ...Been living here inside the bodies of old humans for...years. No wonder they live so long, you're keeping them alive. "MRS POGGIT": We were humbled and destroyed. Now we will do the same to others. DOCTOR: OK, makes sense, I suppose. Credible enough, could be real. A man comes up alongside the DOCTOR, pushing his bicycle. MAN: Morning. "MRS POGGIT" shoots the green mist at the man and he turns to dust. DOCTOR: (turns on "MRS POGGIT") You need to leave this planet. The creature within MRS POGGIT screeches. EXT. COTTAGE FRONT, DAY RORY and AMY are racing back to their cottage. AMY: Wait! Stop! (rests against post) RORY: (looks at the elderly following them) After all I've done for the over-70s in this village. (a woman is waiting for them at the front door) OK, this is crazy. She loves me, I fixed her depression, she's just a little old lady. AMY: Mrs Hammill, we don't understand... MRS HAMMILL opens her mouth to reveal an alien. AMY backs away. RORY: I'll deal with this one, Chubs...Now... "MRS HAMMILL" emits the gas and RORY dashes back behind the hedges. As "MRS HAMMILL" walks forward, RORY picks up stout piece of wood. He hesitates, backing up. RORY: I can't hit her. AMY: Whack her! RORY does so and MRS HAMMILL falls to the ground. They make it inside as more advance across the field. INT. COTTAGE, FRONT HALL, DAY AMY collapses onto the stairs as RORY locks and bolts the door. AMY: We just ran away. We just abandoned the Doctor. Don't ever call me Chubs again. We don't see him for years, and somehow we don't really connect any more and then, then he takes the bullet for us. RORY: (moves coffee table) You know the Doctor. He's Mr Cool. EXT. UPPER LEADWORTH, DAY The DOCTOR is practically stumbling down the road, a group of elderly residents following. He is fighting off falling asleep as we hear birdsong. He makes it into the butcher shop. INT. BUTCHER SHOP, DAY The DOCTOR locks the door and flips the sign to "Closed". The DREAM LORD is behind the counter dressed as a butcher complete with apron and boater. DREAM LORD: Oh, I love a good butcher's don't you? We've got to use these places or they'll shut down. But you're probably a vegetarian, you big flop-haired wuss. The DOCTOR takes a key from a shelf and tries to unlock another door. DOCTOR: Oh, pipe down. I'm busy. DREAM LORD: Maybe you need a little sleep. The birdsong returns and the DOCTOR slips to the floor. DREAM LORD: (leans over counter) Oh, wait a moment. (DOCTOR stands) If you fall asleep here, several dozen angry pensioners will destroy you with their horrible eye things. (The DOCTOR goes into the hall behind the counter) Fingers in the ear? Brilliant! (The DOCTOR slides down the wall) What's next, shouting boo? (motions for the elderly to enter) Come in. Come in. (The pensioners enter and make their way around the counter) Yes, we've got lots at "steak" here this week. Lots at steak. Get it? (The DOCTOR gets up with a burst of energy and grips at the door) Are these jokes wasted on you? The DOCTOR makes his way to the second freezer door but slides to the floor as the pensioners come closer. DOCTOR: Wait, stop... (reaches into pocket) DREAM LORD: Oh, I can't watch. (puts hands over his eyes) The DOCTOR stands with effort, uses the sonic screwdriver to unlock the door. He locks it behind him and falls asleep as the pensioners pound at the door. INT. TARDIS The DOCTOR wakes up on the TARDIS floor, AMY and RORY on either side. AMY: (clutches blanket) Ah, it's colder. DOCTOR: The three of us have to agree, now, which is the dream. (buttons jacket) RORY: It's this, here. AMY: He could be right. The science is all wrong here, burning ice? DOCTOR: No, no, no ice can burn, sofas can read, it's a big universe. We have to agree which battle to lose. All of us, now. AMY: OK, which world do you think is real? DOCTOR: This one. RORY: No, the other one! DOCTOR: Yeah, but are we disagreeing, or competing? AMY: Competing over what? The DOCTOR and RORY stare and her and she groans as she gets up. DOCTOR: (checks watch) Nine minutes till impact. (stands) AMY: What temperature is it? DOCTOR: Outside? Brrrr. How many noughts have you got? Inside? I don't know but I can't feel my feet and... other parts. RORY: I think all my parts are basically fine. DOCTOR: Stop competing! RORY: Can't we call for help? (holds out the phone) DOCTOR: (takes phone) Yeah, the universe is really small - bound to be someone nearby! (taps RORY on the head with it before hanging it up) AMY: Put these on, both of you. (throws a blanket with a hole cut out at the DOCTOR and slips another over RORY's head) RORY: Oh, a poncho. The biggest crime against fashion since lederhosen. AMY: (puts hers on) Here we go! My boys... my poncho boys. (stands between them) If we're going to die, let's die looking like a Peruvian folk band. The frozen star looms closer in the monitor. RORY: We're not going to die. DOCTOR: No, we're not, (checks watch) but our time's running out. If we fall asleep here, we're in trouble. (paces) If we could divide up, then we'd have an active presence in each world, but the Dream Lord is switching us between the worlds. Why, why, what's the logic? DREAM LORD: (appears in a poncho and paces alongside the DOCTOR) Good idea, veggie, let's divide you three up, so I can have a little chat with our lovely companion. Maybe I'll keep her, and you can have Pointy Nose to yourself for all eternity, should you manage to clamber aboard some sort of reality. Birdsong begins. RORY: Can you hear that? AMY: What? No. DOCTOR: Amy, don't be scared, we'll be back. The DOCTOR and RORY fall asleep on the floor. AMY: Rory, Doctor, don't leave me. DREAM LORD: Amy, we're going to have fun aren't we? AMY: No, please, not alone. INT. COTTAGE, FRONT HALL, DAY RORY wakes up on the stairs next to a still-sleeping AMY. There is crashing glass as the pensioners break the window in an attempt to get inside. RORY lifts AMY under the shoulders and begins to drag her upstairs, apologizing at every bump. The pensioners make it through the window. INT. COTTAGE, NURSERY, DAY RORY drags AMY to the center of the cheery yellow room. He sets her down, apologizing once more. He then closes the door. He walks over to the waiting crib, complete with stuffed toys and a wind-up mobile. He looks out the window and sees the elderly residents working together to get in, some are even trying to get into the TARDIS. He props a chair under the doorknob then sits on it, nervously. INT. BUTCHER SHOP, DAY The DOCTOR wakes in the freezer and listens at the door. Outside, the pensioners are waiting, the aliens screeching from their mouths. The DOCTOR takes out the sonic screwdriver. DOCTOR: OK, where is it? (tests the screwdriver before opening the door. He shoots out the light and runs in the confusion) EXT. UPPER LEADWORTH, DAY The DOCTOR cuts through a yard and comes out in a different street where a pensioner is attacking a man in an old VW bus. MAN: Oh, help, somebody! DOCTOR: You couldn't live near the shops, could you? (races to bus, pushes pensioner away, and climbs into the driver's seat) It's OK, it's only me. The DOCTOR drives the bus through the village. They see two young women as they are being surrounded by pensioners. The slide the back door open. DOCTOR: Get in, get in, get in. Quickly, quickly, over here. Quickly, come on, jump in. Quick get in now, quickly. Hurry up. (the women climb into the car and the man closes the door) Are we in? (continues on and sees a young family) Come on, let's go, quickly, all four, that's it everyone in. (drives on) SPACE The TARDIS is drifting closer to the freezing star. Ice begins to coat the exterior. INT. TARDIS The inside of the TARDIS is coated in ice. AMY is sitting in a lonely vigil over the DOCTOR and RORY. The DREAM LORD appears beside her. DREAM LORD: Poor Amy. He always leaves you, doesn't he? Alone in the dark. Never apologises. AMY: He doesn't have to. (walks away) DREAM LORD: That's good, because he never will. And now he's left you with me. Spooky old, not-to-be-trusted me. (relocates to a chair, lounging in a robe that bares a deal of chest) Anything could happen. AMY: Who are you and what do you want? The Doctor knows you, but he's not telling me who you are. And he always does. Takes him awhile sometimes, but he tells me. So you're something different. DREAM LORD: Oh, is that who you think you are? The one he trusts? AMY: Actually, yes. DREAM LORD: (stands) The one girl in the universe to whom the Doctor tells everything? AMY: Yes. DREAM LORD: So what's his name? (disappears and reappears back in tweed, squatting at the DOCTOR'S feet) Now, which one of these men would you really choose? Look at them. You ran away with a handsome hero. Would you really give him up for a bumbling country doctor who thinks the only thing he needs to be interesting is a ponytail? AMY: Stop it! DREAM LORD: But maybe it's better than loving and losing the Doctor. (stands) Pick a world and this nightmare will all be over. (stands between the two recumbent figures) They'll listen to you. It's you they're waiting for. Amy's men. Amy's choice. (disappears) AMY bends over and straightens RORY'S poncho. She looks over at the DOCTOR before resuming her seat on the stairs. EXT. UPPER LEADWORTH, DAY The DOCTOR pulls the bus up in front of the church and moves everyone inside. DOCTOR: Everybody, out, out out! Into the church, that's right. Don't answer the door. The DOCTOR then drives the bus out of the village proper and towards AMY and RORY'S cottage. The DREAM LORD appears in the back seat wearing a race car driver's suit, helmet on his lap. DREAM LORD: It's make your mind up time in both worlds. DOCTOR: Bye. I need to find my friends. DREAM LORD: Friends? Is that the right word for the people you acquire? Friends are people you stay in touch with. Your friends never see you again once they've grown up. The old man prefers the company of the young, does he not? (disappears) EXT. COTTAGE FRONT, DAY The DOCTOR arrives at the cottage and sees the elderly laying siege. He eyes the cottage, looking for a way in. DOCTOR: OK... (gets out and ducks behind the bus) INT. COTTAGE, NURSERY, DAY RORY is sitting on the floor, cradling AMY'S head in his lap when she wakes. AMY: How did I get up here? RORY: I carried you. I'm afraid you may experience some bruising. AMY: Where's the Doctor? RORY: I don't know. I want to do something for you. (turns around, unzips a bag and takes out a pair of scissors. He then reaches back and cuts off his ponytail.) AMY: (gasps) I was starting to like it. There is a squeaking sound and they look to the window in alarm only to see the DOCTOR climbing in. DOCTOR: It's all right, I had to stop off at the butcher's. (falls to the floor) RORY: What are we going to do? DOCTOR: I don't know. I thought the freezing TARDIS was real but now I'm not so sure. AMY: (gasps) I think the baby's starting. RORY: Honestly? AMY: Would I make it up at a time like this?! RORY: Well, you do have a history of... (she glares at him) being very lovely. (AMY cries out) Why are they so desperate to kill us? DOCTOR: (stands) They're scared. Fear generates savagery. A piece of garden statuary is thrown through the window. RORY goes to look and "MRS POGGIT" shoots the green mist at him. He falls back with a groan and AMY goes to comfort him. The DOCTOR knocks "MRS POGGIT" from the roof with a lamp. The DOCTOR whirls around to watch AMY and RORY. AMY: Rory! RORY: No! I'm not ready. (begins to dissolve) AMY: Stay. The DOCTOR wipes his eyes. RORY: Look after our baby. (dissolves away) AMY: No. No. Come back. The DOCTOR mouths "Amy". AMY: Save him. You save everyone. You always do. It's what you do. DOCTOR: Not always. I'm sorry. AMY: Then what is the point of you? AMY touches the pile of dust that was RORY then stands with the help of a bureau. The DOCTOR goes to help, to comfort, but can't bring himself to touch her. AMY: This is the dream. Definitely, this one. Now, if we die here, we wake up, yeah? DOCTOR: (nods) Unless we just die. AMY: Either way, this is my only chance of seeing him again. This is the dream. DOCTOR: How do you know? AMY: Because if this is real life, I don't want it. I don't want it. EXT. COTTAGE FRONT, DAY The DOCTOR and AMY leave the house but the elderly do nothing. AMY: Why aren't they attacking? DOCTOR: Either because this is just a dream, or because they know what we're about to do. They walk to the bus and AMY stops, facing the DOCTOR. DOCTOR: Be very sure. This could be the real world. AMY: It can't be. Rory isn't here. I didn't know. I didn't, I didn't, I honestly didn't, till right now. I just want him. DOCTOR: OK. (gives her the keys and holds her hand tightly) OK. AMY walks around to the driver's seat to start the car, and, as the DOCTOR walks to the passenger side, the DREAM LORD is there. Without a word, the DOCTOR gets into the vehicle. AMY: I love Rory, and I never told him, but now he's gone. The DOCTOR looks out the window at the DREAM LORD as AMY drives the car forward, smashing through the fence and straight at the front door. SPACE The TARDIS is now dwarfed by the star, about to be swallowed by its cold fire. INT. TARDIS A thick layer of ice covers everything in the TARDIS, including the three bodies. The DOCTOR opens his eyes and sees AMY who slowly opens hers. She reaches her hand out to RORY and they clasp on tightly. DREAM LORD: So...you chose this world. Well done. You got it right. And with only seconds left. Fair's fair. Let's warm you up. (restores power) I hope you've enjoyed your little fictions. It all came out of your imagination, so I'll leave you to ponder on that. I have been defeated. I shall withdraw. Farewell. (disappears) The DOCTOR rises slowly to his feet and starts to work the controls. AMY and RORY kneel, facing each other. RORY: Something happened. I... What happened to me? I... (AMY slowly takes him in a hug) Oh. Oh, right. This is good. I am liking this. Was it something I said? (AMY releases the hug and looks at him) Can you tell what it was so I can use it in emergencies? And maybe birthdays. They both turn at the sound of the TARDIS starting up again. AMY: What are we doing now? DOCTOR: Me, I'm going to blow up the TARDIS. RORY: What? DOCTOR: Notice how helpful the Dream Lord was? Okay, there was misinformation, red herrings, malice, and I could have done without the limerick, but he was always very keen to make us choose between dream and reality. (laughs) AMY: What are you doing?! RORY: Doctor! The Dream Lord conceded. This isn't the dream! DOCTOR: Yes, it is! AMY: (to RORY) Stop him. DOCTOR: Star burning cold. Do me a favour! The Dream Lord has no power over the real world. He was offering us a choice between two dreams. AMY: How do you know that? DOCTOR: Because I know who he is. The TARDIS explodes and fades to black. It comes back to see everything back to normal, all ice gone. The DOCTOR is leaning against the console looking at something in his hand as AMY and RORY come down the steps. DOCTOR: Any questions? AMY: What's that? We see what is in the DOCTOR'S hand: six glittering bits. DOCTOR: A speck of psychic pollen from the candle meadows of Karass don Slava. Must have been hanging around for ages. Fell in the time rotor, heated up and induced a dream state for all of us. (goes to the door and blows them into space) RORY: So that was the Dream Lord then, those little specks? DOCTOR: No, no. No. Sorry, wasn't it obvious? The Dream Lord was me. Psychic pollen, it's a mind parasite. It feeds on everything dark in you. Gives it a voice, turns it against you. I'm 907. It had a lot to go on. AMY: But why didn't it feed on us, too? DOCTOR: Darkness in you pair? It would've starved to death in an instant. I choose my friends with great care. Otherwise I'm stuck with my own company, and you know how that works out. AMY: But those things he said about you. You don't think any of that's true? DOCTOR: Amy, right now a question is about to occur to Rory. (spins her by the shoulders to face RORY) And seeing as the answer is about to change his life, I think you should give him your full attention. (pushes her towards RORY and walks to the other side of the console) RORY: Yeah. Actually, yeah. DOCTOR: There it is. RORY: Cos what I don't get is you blew up the TARDIS, that stopped that dream, but what stopped the Leadworth dream? AMY: We crashed the camper van. RORY: Oh, right, I don't remember that bit. AMY: No, you weren't there, you were already... RORY: Already what? AMY: Dead. You died in that dream. Mrs Poggit got you. RORY: OK. But how did you know it was a dream? Before you crashed the van, how did you know you wouldn't just die? AMY: I didn't. RORY: (realizing) Oh. AMY: Yeah. RORY: Oh. (takes her hand) AMY: Yeah, "Oh." RORY leans in and kisses her. After a pause, AMY kisses him back. The DOCTOR watches with a smile. DOCTOR: So... (applauds) Well, then, where now? Or should I just pop down to the swimming pool for a few lengths? RORY: I don't know. Anywhere's good for me. I'm happy anywhere. It's up to Amy this time. Amy's choice. The DOCTOR claps his hands and starts to work on the controls. In the reflective surface, he sees the DREAM LORD smile back at him. The DOCTOR looks about nervously. He looks back and the reflection is his own.

The Doctor, Amy and Rory travel between two realities. In one, Amy and Rory are happily married but are pursued by elderly people possessed by aliens; in the other, they are in a powerless TARDIS which will slowly crash into a cold star which will freeze them to death. A man known as the Dream Lord ( Toby Jones ) says that he has put them in this trap, and they must decide which is real-and die in the fake reality-to wake up in the real one (and escape the trap). When Rory dies in the future reality, Amy decides that it must be fake because she does not want a life without him. It is revealed that psychic pollen had entered the TARDIS and caused the dream state, and the Dream Lord is a psychic manifestation of the Doctor's dark, self-loathing side.

fd_The_O.C._04x08

fd_The_O.C._04x08_0

On the road Ryan: Hey, I asked you a question. Seth: Yeah, no, it's just some of these bugs are really sort of stubborn. I was using that. Ryan: Now you're not. Gonna tell me what's going on? Seth: What if I told you it's New Year's Eve and we're on our way to Vegas? Ryan: I might hit you with this. Why are the girls acting so strange? Seth: I don't... I mean... you know, I don't know. In the bathroom Summer: How long is it supposed to take? Taylor: Five minutes. How long has it been? Okay-- four minutes and 47 seconds. On the road Ryan: You're lying. It's written all over you face. Seth: Well, then I shouldn't bluff when we get to Las Vegas. Ryan: Look... what... man, they're in the bathroom. Seth: Why don't you just ask them. In the bathroom Taylor: 13 seconds left. On the road Ryan: Do I need to remind you why you're even here right now? In the bathroom Summer: 11 more seconds. On the road Seth: Because you haven't killed me yet? In the bathroom Taylor: What if there wasn't enough pee? On the road Ryan: No, because you didn't have any New Year's Even plans so you hijacked mine. In the bathroom Summer: How many bars am I looking for? Taylor: Two, two bars. Six more seconds. On the road Seth: I told you I'd pay you back. In the bathroom Summer: Oh, my God, I can't look. On the road Ryan: And now I'm collecting. So tell me what's happening. In the bathroom Taylor: Oh, my God, three more seconds, two more seconds, one more second... SEVEN HOURS EARLIER At the comics bookshop Ryan: Here you go. Seth: Last coffee of '06. How much you hoping I don't make that joke all day? Ryan: Not like I'll be around to hear it. Seth: So walk me through your itinerary again. Ryan: I've got breakfast with Taylor. Back home to pack, quick lunch, off to Vegas. Seth: She still doesn't know you're taking her? Ryan: Well, that's why it's a surprise. Jettey Taylor: He's told me nothing. And I just thought. you know,since he went to all of this trouble it would be nice for me to surprise him, too, and... Summer, are you even listening to me? Summer: What? No... yeah... every word. Taylor: 'Cause you seem kind of out of it. Summer: I'm sorry, I'm just still waking up. At the comics bookshop Seth: You guys seem pretty serious, though? It's that old adage- couples who have comas together, stay together. Ryan: She won't think Vegas is cheesy, will she? Jettey Taylor: Do you think it's cheesy to get him lingerie? Obviously, I'm going to be wearing it, but it's really for him. Summer: Look, Taylor... You're right. Taylor: It's way too soon for lingerie. Is he going to think I'm some kind of kinky, sex-starved, divorcee? Summer: You're being paranoid. At the comics bokshop Seth: Still, be careful, 'cause people, they go to Vegas and they come back married. Ryan: What about you and Summer-- any plans? Jettey Summer: Well, if it's a typical night for us, I'm probably in for some Korean cinema, manga and making new friends on MySpace. Taylor: In other words... At the comics bookshop Seth: No "plans"-- that's a dirty word. That's right up there with "responsibility" and "future." There'll be plenty of time for that when we're in college. Ryan: And she's on board with that? Seth: Totally. Jettey Summer: I hope I don't have to kill him. When are you meeting Ryan? At the comics bookshop Ryan: Ooh, now. All right, I will see you tomorrow. Seth: Happy New Year. Jettey Taylor: Happy New Year, Summer. Summer: Same to you. Good luck tonight. I'm sure everything will just be great. Taylor: Oh, speak of the devil. Ryan: Summer. Summer: Atwood. Ryan: Taylor. Taylor: Hi. Ryan: You looking forward to your surprise tonight? Taylor: I am. Are you looking forward to yours? Ryan: I am. Summer: Ew. That's my cue. Taylor: Okay, here it is. Ryan: What is it? Taylor: Open it. At the comics bookshop Seth: Hey. Summer: Hi. I wanted to talk to you about what we're doing tonight. Seth: Why talk when actions speak so much louder than words. Summer: What is it? Seth: I don't know. Just open it. Summer: Okay. Jettey Ryan: Oh, my... Taylor: Surprise. At the comics bookshop Summer: "Jamaican me crazy." Seth: It's funny because it's not. Jettey Taylor: Do you think I'm a whore? Ryan: What? No, no. It's just... I already have this. Taylor: You nut. For a second there, I was like, oh, major miscalculation. Ryan: No, no, no. It's going to be a great night. All right, come here. At the comics bookshop Summer: Yeah... You didn't make any plans for us tonight, did you? Seth: Well, I thought we would just... Summer: What "Jamaican" up as you go? You are such a baby. I'm done baby-sitting you. Do you understand me? I'm done. Generic New Match Office Julie: I'm not questioning the fantasy, Spencer. We've all imagined doing it with the delivery boy. I am questioning whether we should be paying for the pizza. It's starting to add up. Spencer: We're running a male prostitution ring, Julie. Pizza's the cost of business. Julie: Hey, who did we...? Who'd we set Petrie Marchand up with? Spencer: That guy you call the Mambo King. Julie: Oh, yeah. My real question-- what do you know about money laundering? Spencer: That'd be nothing. Why? Julie: Because it's the holidays and we're busy and I can't keep filing all this cash under "extra money." I'll, um... I'll see you later at the place. Spencer: Yeah. Kirsten: That was Jimmy on the phone. He's supposed to call Kaitlin at midnight? Julie: Yeah. Kirsten: Well, he's hosting a party on his boat. And he wanted you to tell Kaitlin he's sorry, but he might be out of cell phone range. Julie: Poor Kaitlin. I know she doesn't show it, but I think she really, really misses him. Kirsten: Can I help you with something? Julie: No, no. No, I'm good. Kirsten: Julie, I appreciate you handling the bookkeeping, but honestly, I probably have more experience. Julie: Well... all the more reason for me to learn. I mean, what if you get hit by a bus or something? God forbid. Kirsten: There must be something I can do. Julie: Some more coffee? I got it at the place on the corner. Gordon: Somebody going on a coffee run? I'll take a latte. Hello, sweetheart. Just thought I'd drop off an invite to my soiree. Julie: Yeah, Gordon, you know, I received like 11 of these in the mail. Gordon: Well, now you've got an even dozen. So read it to me. Julie: "Gordon Bullit invites you and a hot guest to start 2007 with a bang." Gordon: That joke never gets old, does it? Been using it since 1989. So, uh... what time do you want me to send a limo? Julie: You know, honestly, I'm not sure that I'll get through with everything here. Gordon: Damn it, hotcakes, when I bankrolled this operation, I thought I'd see you more, not less. Since I got back from Riyadh, we've had two dinner dates and zero hanky-panky. Julie: Well, it's a new business, Gordon. Gordon: Well, hey, look, at least let me get you a bean counter to take care of some of the paperwork. Julie: Bullit, let me have that back. Gordon: Wow, you girls eat a mess of pizza. Julie: We work through dinner a lot. Look, I really appreciate the gesture, Bullit, but I would prefer to do this on my own, hmm? Gordon: Okay. You coming tonight? Julie: If I can. Gordon: Damn, woman. At Cohen's Sandy: And he requested me? Yeah, all right, all right. I'll see what I can do. Okay. Seth: Working on New Year's Eve? Sandy: Yeah, one of your homeless guys from Thanksgiving attacked a parking meter. He couldn't remember his name, but he remembered mine. Seth: I was talking about the sandwiches. Sandy: Oh, yeah, Ryan's putting together a cooler for Vegas. I'm his sandwich guy. Cohens are natural sandwich artists. Seth: It's like our very own super power. Yeah, I don't know if it qualifies us for the Justice League, though. Sandy: What's up? You've got that "something's up" look on your face. Seth: Well, you know, probably 'cause something's up. Sandy: What'd you do? Seth: More like what I didn't do. Turns out Summer's expecting me to make some elaborate New Year's Eve plans. Sandy: Oh, romantic holiday plans- definitely not a Cohen super power. Seth: We've got nine months until we go to college. This is the last time in our lives we don't have to worry about stuff. Sandy: Yeah, yeah, the ladies don't really buy that line, though. You still have to show her that you value her. My advice... Put some thought and effort into making some real New Year's Eve plans, pronto. Well, my work here is done. I've got a date with a bail bondsman. And you and Summer have a wonderful New Year's Eve. And... be safe. Ryan: Hey. Sandy: Hey. You be safe, too, in Vegas, will ya? Ryan: Yeah. Sandy: The sandwiches are all ready. Good to go. And if I do say so myself, they're great. Ryan: Thank you, Sandy. Sandy: The only thing you have to keep in mind-- make it personal. Seth: I think I just got the purr-fect idea. Sandy: Good man. Ryan: What was that about? Seth: Oh, nothing-- just Summer and I coming with you to Vegas. Ryan: What?! Seth: You may want to make some more sandwiches. I'm going to go upstairs and pack. Parking - Julie's car Julie: You're late. Spencer: Yeah. I've been looking for my book. Julie: What book? Spencer: The one with everyone's names, phone numbers. I had it when I was talking to you. I put it down for a sec, it was gone. Julie: This has got to be a sign. Spencer: What are you talking about? Julie: Your father tried to saddle me with an accountant today. What if he finds out we've turned his investment into a whorehouse? Or if Kirsten finds out? No, we need to shut this down now. Spencer: Then... let's just do tonight. All right? We both need the money. Julie: We can manage without. Spencer: What if Neil sells your house? Where you going to live? We're going to make 40 grand each. Now, you want to close down shop after that, cool, but let's do tonight. Come on. Julie: We'll burn everything tomorrow. Spencer: I'll light the match myself. Motel Gordon: Frank, Frank, Frank. Damn, damn, double damn. Good to see you. Frank: Good to see you. Come on in. Have a seat. Can I fix you a drink? Gordon: No, I'm fine. So, cowboy, what the hell you doing in these neck of the woods? Frank: Well, you... you once said, if I ever needed a job... Gordon: Serious? Now, don't be jerking the Bullit around. Frank: I'm serious. Gordon: Well, now, that's a good thing. And I happen to have a couple of places I could use you pronto. But, knowing you, you've already picked something out. Frank: You're not going to believe this, but I saw you invested in a dating service. Gordon: You're kidding, right? A man of your talents? Frank: I think there's a future in it. Gordon: Yeah, but the tricky thing there is, my girlfriend, Julie-- she's kind of running that. Frank: Really? Gordon: I know what you're thinking, but it's not like that barmaid in Daytona. Now, that one, she was a con artist. Frank: And Julie's legit? Gordon: Absolutely. Frank: I mean, Julie's problem is not thievery. It's pride. She wants to do everything herself, and I get no chance to see her. Oh, wait. Bullit. Oh, right. The dress shop. Okay. On the way. Sorry. I got to go. Well, it was good to see you. You're going to love Newport. Frank: I'm sure I will. Oh, and if Julie ever gets less proud, you let me know. I'd love to help out. Gordon: I'll do that. Happy New Year, partner. Frank: Same to you. Gordon: See you later. Frank: Right. At Roberts' - Summer's bedroom Summer: Taylor, you look terrible. What's the matter? Taylor: Okay, can you keep a secret? But I mean a big secret. Like, a really big secret. Summer: Yeah. Taylor: I think you might be pregnant. Summer: Um... okay. First of all, if I were pregnant, that would be my secret. And second of all, I'm late, not pregnant. Taylor: And how did you know that? Okay, when I went to visit you in Providence, I remember that you had your period, which means you should have had it again a week and a half ago. But the box of tampons that you bought two weeks ago hasn't even been opened. Summer, have you had unsafe s*x? Summer: Well, there was that time where Seth visited... Taylor: Summer... Summer: I didn't want the pharmaceutical companies playing slumlord with my eggs. Taylor: Well, what about condoms? Summer: Latex smells funny. Taylor: So do diapers. Summer: Taylor! Taylor: What? Don't pretend you're not worried about this, because you've been preoccupied all day. Summer: I am not pregnant. Taylor: Hmm. Well, prove it. Summer: Get that away from me. Seth: Hey, you decent? Taylor: Seth, actually, Summer and I were just having a little girl time, so if you could just come back in 15... Summer: It's so good to see you! Seth: Hey, wow! Look at all this affection, and I haven't even told you my surprise yet. Though, to be fair, it's really more of Ryan's surprise. Summer: Seth. Seth: But, yes, the four of us are going to Las Vegas. Ryan is in the car, waiting. Taylor: Ryan's taking me to Vegas? Seth: And I'm taking you, Mrs. What-Are-Our- Plans-For-New Year's. Now, why don't you to get packed so we can get on the road. Taylor: Actually, Summer and I just need to dash into the bathroom really quick and... Summer: That is a great idea. That is the best idea ever! Why don't you help me pick out what to bring? Seth: Okay. Taylor: Okay, well, I'm just going to pack this toothpaste because we might want it Ryan's car Taylor: Hey, Ryan, can we stop soon? Summer and I have to pee. Ryan: Oh, yeah? Sure. You know what? Next chance we get, I'll get some gas. Taylor: Great. Taylor: Summer, I think, when we stop, we should try out our new toothpaste. Breath's a little stale. Seth: Ryan, are you ready for a sandwich? Hmm? Listen, I know we're crashing, but I promise you, soon as we get to Vegas, I'm going to buy you the best room Sandy Cohen's money can buy. You're rescuing me, and I want to pay you back. Ryan: Yeah, all right. Taylor: Hey, Seth, hypothetically speaking, if I was your girlfriend, and I had health issues, would you want to know about them? Seth: Um... I don't know. What kind of health issues? Summer: Diarrhea of the mouth. Can we just, like, stop talking and turn the music up and just drive, please? Taylor: Summer, there is something in your hair. Let me get it out for you. Summer: What are you doing? Taylor: I think you need to tell Seth. Summer: No. I don't think he could handle it. Taylor: How do you know? Seth: Aw, crap! Forgot my toothbrush. I'm going to have to use my finger. Summer: See? He's a child. Seth: Did you get a toothbrush, too? Taylor: Seth! Don't...! Oh. Is this...? Taylor: Mine! My toothpaste. Ryan: What's going on? Taylor: Nothing. It's just this is... extra whitening, and Seth needs tartar control. Badly. Summer: Thank you. Taylor: You're welcome. At Roberts' Kaitlin: Mom? Gordon: Okay, the coast is clear, dude. Yeah. She's probably still at work. You sure we did the right thing but not buying that little number with rhinestones? Gordon: You asked me for my help to pick out a dress for my mother, so trust me. Gordon: Well, I just want to make sure she feels like a million dollars at my party tonight, that's all. That's assuming she finishes work on time. I offered to get someone inthere to help the woman out. She flat out refused me. Kaitlin: You really like her, don't you? Gordon: Oh, yeah, peanut. She's under my skin. The whole time I was in Riyadh, didn't once try to peek under a girl's burkha. So, uh... what you got going on tonight? Kaitlin: Well, I'm supposed to talk to my dad, but his boat's out of cellphone range. So, whatever. It's no big. Gordon: Well, dang, girl, if you're free, why not come to my party? Kaitlin: Because I'm 40? Gordon: No, because it's New Year's Eve, and I got not one prince, but two coming. Kaitlin: William and Harry? Gordon: Mm-mm-- Samir and Abbas. Saudis. About your age, and not a bad catch, if you don't mind raisins in your chicken. You like two-steppin'? It's a dance we do in Texas-- I can show you tonight if you'd like. Kaitlin: You can hold your breath for that. Gordon: All right. Well, I appreciate your help. You take care now. Kaitlin: Ignore her. Gordon: Come again? Kaitlin: She refused your help, so ignore her. It's what I always do. Gordon: Here you go. Kaitlin: What's this for? Gordon: In case you change your mind, come to the party, you might want to buy a dress or a lollipop or something. Yo, Frank. Yeah, Bullit. What's going on this afternoon? On the road Taylor: It's up to you. Summer: You'll be there when I take it? Taylor: Of course. Summer: Let's go. Ryan: Hey, uh... is everything all right? You, uh... were acting kind of strange in the car. Okay, I just wanted to, uh, you know, apologize. I know this trip to Vegas is supposed to be us, but Seth kindof hijacked it to get out of the doghouse, so what are you going to do? Taylor: Yeah, I know. Ryan: Uh... anyway, you know, he, uh... he's getting us a room. So at least we'll be alone. Taylor: Yeah. Uh... I don't think that we should do that. In fact, I know that we shouldn't. Ryan: Uh... What... what are you talking about? Taylor: Obviously, we both thoughtthat we were going to... It's Vegas, and there's lingerie, and it would be great, trust me, but I just want our first time to be special, and tonight is just not the night. Okay? Sorry. I got to go. [SCENE_BREAK] Seth: I have a question. And let's pretend I wasn't eavesdropping. Are you absolutely positive that you haven't had s*x yet with Taylor? Not even, like a, "I feel guilty about this because you're kind of wasted, but how did that happen?" mistake? Okay, I'll take that as a no. Hey, look at that. It's a green alien. It's crazy. Well, these windows aren't going to wash themselves. Ryan: Seth, what's going on? At the bathroom Taylor: Okay, "Remove the test stick from the foil wrapper." Summer: Did that already. Taylor: "Position the stick with the test windows "facing away from the urine stream, "and place the absorbent tip under the stream of urine." Stream of urine, Summer. Girl: Uh... You need something? Taylor: Oh, no. Thank you. Summer: Who is it? Taylor: A slutty alien. Did you pee? I'll go outside. Summer: Wait, wait. Don't leave me. New Match Office Julie: May I help you? Frank: You must be Julie. Julie: And you are...? Gordon: I told you she was hot. Julie, meet my buddy Frank. He's gonna put yourbooks in order. Julie: Didn't I say no to this? Gordon: Oh, yes, you did, but a little birdie told me to ignore you, so that's what I'm doing. Julie: Gordon... Gordon: Is no longer willing to negotiate. Now, let's let Frank do his thing. Meantime, let's get you out of that Pilgrim outfit and into a ball gown, which I happen to have bought you. And, Frank, if you get finished by midnight, you come play with us, you hear? Frank: I will. Gordon: Oh, Julie. It was nice meeting you. Julie: Nice meeting you, too, Frank. Gordon: Come on, sweetie. On the road Ryan: Why are the girls acting so strange? Seth: Dude, I don't, you know... In the bathroom Summer: 12 more seconds. 11 more seconds. Taylor: What if there wasn't enough pee? Summer: Ten seconds. Taylor: Here, let's switch. Summer: How many bars am I looking for? Taylor: Two. Two bars. Oh, my God, four more seconds. Summer: Oh, my God, I can't look. Taylor: Three more seconds. two more seconds... Oh, my God. one more second. Summer: Okay, I can't do it. Just don't look at it, I can't breathe... Taylor: Okay, okay... Sit down. Sit down, sit down. Summer: I can't breathe. Here, breathe, breathe. Taylor: Breathe into this. Breathe deep breaths. Look, Summer, I'm not gonna make you do anything. It's totally your decision. But whatever you do, it doesn't change the truth, and-and in a few hours, it's gonna be the new year. Do you want to start that year as an adult, with your eyes wide open, or... with your head in the sand? Summer: Give it to me. Taylor: Oh, my God. Summer: What? Taylor: It's gone. Summer: What?! On the road Ryan: I don't believe it. Seth: Well, do you think she cheated on you? Ryan: No. I mean, I-I can't believe she didn't tell me. Seth: Well, I'll wash the car if you want to go smash something. Like maybe that big green bug. Taylor: Hey! Excuse me! I... You... Follow that alien! She stole my purse! Seth: What? Taylor: She just stole my purse. Taylor: What? Well... Get in the car! She just stole it from underneath the bathroom. Seth, hurry up ! She's getting... She's right there! Go Ryan, go! Go! In the car Seth: Can't we just buy you a new purse and cancel your credit cards? Summer: No, we need that purse. Seth: Why? Taylor: Because... Of the pills that I have in there. For the allergy I have but never told you guys about. It's just... nothing serious. Summer: And she needs to take the pills before midnight. Taylor: Right. And since we are in the middle of the desert, and nowhere near a pharmacy, it has to be the pills in that purse. Sorry. You're being awfully quiet. Ryan: There's a lot of that going around. Summer: Hey, I see brake lights. Seth: look liked Party Summer: Did anyone get a good look at her face? Seth: She's an alien-- it's not an easy thing to lose in a crowd. Taylor: I don't believe it. Summer: Everyone is an alien. Seth: Hey, we're gonna go this way. Ryan: Okay, we'll go this way. Taylor: But... Ryan: Come on. I promised you some alone time. At the restaurant Julie: Hey. Spencer: Mm... hey. Julie: Spencer, let me ask you a question. When you paired these ladies up with their dates, did you know they were coming to this party? Spencer: You don't think Kirsten's gonna smell something fishy, do you? Julie: No, no. I think we're taking the fish and slapping her in the face with it. She knows these women are our clients. Spencer: Maybe she won't notice-- isn't she an alcoholic? Julie: Recovering, unfortunately. So did you find anything out about Frank? Spencer: Not a lot. He's a friend of my dad's. I'm not surewhere they met. He took the series seven a month ago, but before that, nothing. Doesn't exist. Julie: So what do you think? Spencer: Well, I'm thinking maybe... CIA or Special Ops? Julie: No, Deep Throat, I mean, what do you think we should do? Does he seem like someone we can bribe? Spencer: Eh, I wouldn't bank on it-- my dad's big on loyalty. Speaking of... where is he anyway? Julie: He's over there introducing Kaitlin to some Saudi princes. [SCENE_BREAK] Gordon: This is Samir-- and I call him Sam. And this is Abbas-- and I call him Boss. Kaitlin: Oh. bass: You are, uh, Kait... Kaitland? Kaitlin: Kaitlin. Gordon: Kaitlin. Okay, Kaitland. Party Taylor: He says there's no coat-check, and there's no one really in charge. Oh, then he invited me to party on his asteroid, which I think means his trailer. Maybe we should just find Seth and Summer and make sure they're okay. Ryan: Taylor, I... I know. Seth told me. Taylor: Told you what? Ryan: You know... it, the thing. Taylor: Okay, let me explain... Ryan: I just wish that you told me. That's what I'm mad about, not any of the other stuff, just that you kept it from me. Taylor: Wait, wh-what other stuff? Ryan: Well, you know, that you were... sleeping with someone before we started dating. Taylor: Who says? Seth: Well, the math says, but, look, I'm not mad about that. Taylor: See, I knew you felt this way. Ryan: Well, I'm not... I'm not accusing you of anything. Taylor: Yes, you are. You are saying that I had random unsafe s*x with someone in between my marriage annulment and us making out at Kaitlin's. Do you know how many days that was, Ryan? Ryan: So what are you saying? You're saying you were sleeping with someone while we were dating? Taylor: Is that what you think? Ryan: No! But if you were, I couldn't be mad because we were never exclusive. Taylor: Right. And why would you want to be, since you clearly think I am a big fat divorcee whore! At the restaurant Julie: Oh, my God. Kirsteb: Julie. Julie: Hi. Hey. Uh, where's Sandy? Kirsten: Julie, what's going on? Julie: What do you mean? Kirsten: Well, it's just that all our clients here are on dates with people that look like they're college students-- I mean, weren't we supposed to set up Jessica Rogers with Dr. Weston? Julie: Yeah, you know, we were, but she called yesterday and said she met someone-- that's love. Frank: Hello, Julie. Julie: Frank... uh, you're here. Uh... Frank, this is Kirsten Cohen, my partner. This is Frank... Frank: Perry. Frank Perry. Nice to meet you. Kirsten: Nice to meet you. Julie: Frank Perry. Right. Um... Bullit hired him to put our books in order, and that's what he's been doing all night so that I could be here. Kirsten: Oh. Does everything add up? Frank: Yeah. Looks good. And business seems to be booming, so... if I had a drink, I-I would toast you. Julie: Well, I'll-I'll take it anyway. Thank you. Frank: All right, ladies, as you were. Kirsten, a pleasure to meet you. Julie: Ah, Kiki, do you ever feel invincible. Kirsten: Why? Julie: Oh... no reason. Happy New Year, sweetie. Party Seth: Remind me again why we're looking for a purse when the larger issue seems to be Taylor thinking she has a baby inside of her? And don't give me anything about any allergy pills, 'cause I'm not buying it. Summer: Seth, we need the purse, because the pregnancy test is in it. The test that we have already taken and haven't looked at yet. The test that we need to see before midnight so we can start 2007 knowing exactly where we stand. Seth: Can I interrupt you for a second? I'm remembering something I wanted to ask you for back in the car when I found out the test was Taylor's. Summer: What? Seth: Paw. Up top. Summer! You're asking me for a high five? Seth: Can you imagine if it was your test we're looking for? Now, I know it seems a little bit selfish, but I think we're entitled to celebrate, so come on, up top, hit it. Hit it. Summer: God, Seth. Seth: Oh, God. Oh, my God! It's really you! Boy: Seth Cohen! I saw you at Comic-Con years ago. Seth: Oh. Boy: I'm a huge, huge... huge Atomic County fan! Seth: Thanks. Thanks a lot. Boy: Check it out, man-- I'm Kid Chino! Seth: Oh, wow, that is fantastic. Listen, I'm looking... Boy: We got to take a picture, man. Seth: Oh, oh, okay. Boy: This... is the greatest night of my life, Mr. Cohen. Seth: Wow, thanks a lot. Hey, oh, it's the alien! Boy: Smile! Seth: Thanks a lot. Boy: Thanks, man. At the restaurant Frank: I didn't want to embarrass you in front of your partner, but your so-called dating service... is not exactly what Bullit thought he was investing in, is it? Why don't you wet your lips. Your mouth looks dry. Bass: Kaitland? Kaitlin: What? Bass: We are boring you, yes? Boy: Maybe it will be more pleasing to you if we make... kissing to each other. Kaitlin: Yeah, y-you guys go do that. [SCENE_BREAK] Julie: Okay, so just what do I have to do to keep you quiet? Frank: Suite 522 at the Four Seasons. Say... half an hour. [SCENE_BREAK] Kirsten: Oh, there you are. How's your client? Sandy: Darrel? Well, he's better off than the parking meter he beheaded. I sent him to a shelter. How has your night been? Kirsten: Oh, it's just... it's just odd. Julie's acting strange, and... well, we have clients here-- it's just they're not with the dates that we set them up with. So if I'm a little tense I apologize. Sandy: Come on, let's work it out on the dance floor. Kirsten: Yeah. Frank: Oh, oh, I'm sorry. Sandy: No, my fault. Sandy Cohen. Frank: Uh, Frank Perry. Kirsten: Frank works for Bullit. Sandy: Oh, is that right? Frank: Yeah, the Big Bang himself. Well, it was nice bumping into you. And, uh, happy New Year. Sandy: You, too. Kirsten: Sandy, something wrong? Sandy: I feel like I know that guy from somewhere. Come on. How about that dance? [SCENE_BREAK] Gordon: Hey there, Miss Columbus. How are you? Good to see you. Hey, now, enjoy yourself. [SCENE_BREAK] Kaitlin: Mom, aren't you gonna stay for midnight? Julie: Oh, Kaitlin, your mom has a headache. But you should stay-- have Bullit give you a ride home. Kaitlin: This doesn't have anything to do with that creepy guy, does it? Julie: What creepy guy? Kaitlin: They guy I saw you talking to. You were gonna go meet him, weren't you? Julie: This is not what you think. But, please, you can't tell Bullit about this. Kaitlin: Mom, he really likes you. Julie: And-and I really like him, too. It just... You have to trust me on this, okay? Kaitlin: Okay. Julie: Happy New Year, baby. Kaitlin: Uh, Mom? I miss Dad sometimes. Julie: I know, honey. We'll call him tomorrow, okay? Kaitlin: Okay. Party Ryan: Taylor! Taylor: Hey, Ryan. What are you doing? Ryan: Let's go. Taylor: Ryan, you think I'm a whore, I'm gonna act like a whore. Ryan: I don't think you're a whore, but I definitely don't think you should be drinking. Taylor: Why, because I might be pregnant with my whore baby? Man: Hey! How about giving that back before I atomize your face? Ryan: How about you just back off? Summer: Hey, what's going on? What are you doing? Ryan: I'm trying to figure out why my girlfriend is taking pregnancy tests and I'm the last one to find out about it. How is that possible? Summer: Because it's not hers, okay? It's mine. It's my test that is in Taylor's purse. Ryan: What? Summer: Great. This is great. Now I'm not gonna know if I'm pregnant before midnight. There's nothing like starting off a new near with something like this hanging over your head. Happy New Year, Ryan. Seth: Ryan! Dude, it's Summer's. Ryan: I know. Come on. Let's go. [SCENE_BREAK] Seth: Come on. Wait a minute! Come back! Come on! Are you kidding me?! [SCENE_BREAK] Ryan: All right, thanks. Nearest cab company's in Baker. What do you want to do now? Seth: Oh, curl up into the fetal position and weep. Although, perhaps the unborn baby metaphor... Ryan: Not really appropriate. Seth: I cannot believe Summer might be pregnant. Oh, my God. I think I saw an empty... Ryan: Uh, Seth. Hurry up. In the car Taylor: Don't worry, Summer. I'm sure we'll pass a 24-hour pharmacy at some point. Summer: The symbolism window closed at midnight. We'll do it in the morning. Taylor: Okay. Summer: Taylor, I really appreciate everything you did for me today. I really hope it didn't cause any permanent damage with you and Ryan. Taylor: Oh, don't worry about me, please. Summer: How did I get here ? How did I go from being an Ivy League Al Gore in the making to a knocked-up college dropout with a boyfriend that forgets to pack his toothbrush when he travels? How did this happen? Taylor: You know what? It's a new year. We all get a fresh start. Okay? You and me and Seth and Ryan, we can all be whatever we want to be. And everything negative will be left in last year. Party Man: What's my name? Girl: Zerk-nong Man: Spell it. Girl: Z-U... Boy: "E"! Girl: Oh. Z... Z-E-R- K-N Boy: Hyphen. Girl: Hyphen, N-O-N-G. In the car Summer: It was kind of mean leaving them in there like that, wasn't it? Taylor: Yeah. Summer: Yeah. Taylor: I'll call 'em, see if they're okay. I need to borrow your phone. I left mine in my purse. Party Boy: What does that spell? Girl: Zerk-nong. Zerk-nong. Boy: Again. Good girl. Girl: Oh, my God! Boy: Hey, Mr. Cohen! Seth: Hey! Hey, these alien chicks are really easy. Hey, we need an emergency evacuation. Boy: You got it. Hey, too bad we don't have Little Miss Vixen's magic scooter. Seth: We have to go! Girl: They stole my purse! At the restaurant Kirsten: All set? Sandy: What? Kirsten: You still thinking about Frank? Sandy: I can't shake the feeling that I know him. Kirsten: I wish you did. I'd love to know who Julie has going through our books. Sandy: She never said anything. Nothing about where Bullit found him? Kirsten: Knowing Bullit, it could be anywhere: the golf course, Saudi Arabia, prison. You going to follow me home? Sandy: Yeah. No, no. I'm going to swing by the homeless shelter make sure Daryl made it there. Kirsten: Are you sure? Sandy: Yeah, I won't be long. In the car boy: You just say where you want us to drop you off, Mr. Cohen. The girls and I are honored to be helping out. Ryan: Look, as scared as you are, I'm sure Summer's ten times more scared. Seth: Translation: I need to be there for her. Ryan: Exactly. And you can start by telling her how you feel. Seth: Well, kinda depends on what's in this purse. Ryan: Does it? It is going to change whether or not you want to be with her? Seth: No, of course not. Ryan: And can you imagine ever not wanting to be with her? Seth: No. Ryan: That's your answer. At the restaurant Kaitlin: Hey, great party. Gordon: Thank you, Peanut. How'd it go with the Saudis? Kaitlin: Well, they want to fly me over to Dubai for their prom but I said there's no way I want to wear one of those Klan outfits. Gordon: I don't blame you. Have you seen your mother? I've been, I've been looking for her. Kaitlin: Um, she went home. She had a migraine. Gordon: Dang, I wish she'd have told me. Well, I hope she's okay. Kaitlin: So what was that dance that you were talking to me about this afternoon? Gordon: The one with the number? That'd be the Texas Two-Step. Kaitlin: Can you show it to me? Gordon: Is the Pope Catholic? Oh, come on, lucky lady. It's your night. Here we go. Ready? And it's one, two, one, two, back step. One, two, one, two, Texas Two-Step. We got it. And you're turning. Kaitlin: I'm turning? Gordon: You're turning. Come on. Turn this way. That a girl. Whoa! I nearly lost you. We got it. Got it, got it. At Roberts' - Taylor's bedroom Taylor: If you're here for s*x, there's, like, five guys ahead of you. Ryan: Okay, look, I'm sorry if I jumped to conclusions tonight. But you can't be paranoid either about being divorced or any of it. It doesn't mean anything to me. Taylor: So you don't think I'm a whore? Ryan: No. No, of course not. Taylor: Good, 'cause I'm not. Unless, of course, you want me to be. Ryan: Is that my negligee? Mm-hmm. Well, I want that back. Taylor: Come on. Before I change my mind. Ryan: All right, but just to be clear... Taylor: Everything but. Ryan: Come here. At Roberts' - Summer's bedroom Seth: Staring at that bunny thinking of a baby, aren't you? Summer: I'm sorry I abandoned you in the desert. Seth: I deserved it. And it worked out kind of well, too. I found something that I thought might interest you. Summer: Oh, my God. Seth: But I want to say something first. When I found out it was your pregnancy test, I totally freaked out and I thought "This will change everything," but then Ryan asked me if I could imagine a time when I'd ever not want to be with you, and I realized that the answer is no. Summer: I'm totally pregnant, aren't I? Seth: I don't know. Summer: What do you mean you don't know? Is that going to, like, squirt invisible ink or something? Seth: No, but it will make you engaged to me. Summer: What? Are you insane? Seth: Possibly, but I'm certain of this. Summer: No, Cohen, we can't. Sure, we can. We're both adults, we don't share DNA. Seth: You just have to want to. But... I do. Summer: Don't you think we should look at the test first? Seth: And have you wonder for the rest of your life if I proposed to you because you're pregnant? I'm doing this because I love you, I want to spend the rest of my life with you. Summer: You know, once you do this, you can't take it back? Seth: I know. Summer Roberts, will you marry me? Summer: Yes, I'll marry you. Seth: All right. Summer: Okay, so should we look at the test now? Seth: Sure. Let's see what's in store for the futureMr. and Mrs. Seth Cohen. Summer: How many bars is that? Seth: One. What's that mean? Summer: One means I'm not pregnant. I'm not pregnant. Is it inappropriate to celebrate? Seth: No, please, please. Saves us from having to have a shotgun wedding. Now we can just have a normal one instead. Summer: Yeah. You and me and our normal wedding. Seth: Should we hug again? Both: Okay. Hotel Frank: Have a seat. Julie: I'm not trading s*x for silence, Frank. I may be a madam, but I'm not a whore. Frank: Good to know, but that's not why I brought you here. Julie: It's not? Frank: Sit down. Julie: So, why did you bring me here? Frank: For information. Julie: Information about what? Frank: About the Cohen family. Julie: Why? Frank: Because I'm not who I say I am. Julie: And who are you? Frank: I'm Ryan's father. End of the episode.

Seth is clueless about what to do for New Year's Eve. Solution? Crash the Ryan-Taylor road trip to Vegas. Now add pregnancy tests, a space-alien rave, thefts, misunderstandings, pursuits and a marriage proposal and it's time to welcome 2007!

fd_Frasier_02x13

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Act 1 Scene 1 - Frasier's Apartment Fade in. Frasier is gazing out the balcony door, drinking sherry. Martin and Daphne are at the table wit a bunch of files. Frasier: Ah, yes. Another beautiful Saturday night. The moon is full, the city lights are twinkling, lovers steal kisses in the park... and here, Chez Crane, my father and his assistant sit hunched over twenty year-old photographs of a murdered hooker. [raises his glass] Life is a banquet. Daphne: I enjoy looking at your father's old case. Just because you have no plans tonight, don't spoil our harmless fun. You know, there's nothing we Brits like better than a grisly murder and a nice hot cup of tea. Martin: Uh, listen Daphne, I got a lot of work to do here, so if you don't mind... Daphne: Oh, excuse me. I didn't know I was bothering you. Martin: Oh, I'm sorry, it's this damn case. I feel like the answer to who murdered Helen is right here. I just can't see it. Frasier: Dad, you're obsessing. You stare at these grisly pictures day after day, night after night. Come on, why don't we go out and see a movie? Martin: No, thanks. Frasier: Let's go get a pizza. Martin: Nah. Frasier: Let's get tattooed. [Martin thinks about it, then shakes his head.] Oh! This is ridiculous. It's a beautiful night and I'm not going to miss it. I'm going to go out and take a long walk and I'm not going by myself. Eddie runs out with his leash. Martin: He likes the rhododendrons on the north side of the park. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene 2 - KACL Fade in. Frasier is on the air with Marjorie. Marjorie: [v.o.] And I just wanted to thank you, Dr. Crane. Because of your advice, I've conquered my fear of heights. I, I took it slowly, gradually going higher and higher, until here I am, right now, having lunch at the top of the Space Needle! Frasier: Marjorie, congratulations. I am so proud of you. Marjorie: I mean, when I think of how you... [she screams loudly] Frasier: God, what's wrong? What happened? Marjorie: I just looked down. Frasier: Well, Marjorie, don't do that. Look at your luncheon companion, look at your menu, but don't look down. You're only feeding your fears when you do that. Marjorie: Maybe I wasn't ready for a window table. Frasier: No, no, no. Of course you are, of course you are. You can beat this thing. Marjorie: You're right, I can, Dr. Crane, if I just... [she screams again] Frasier: Do not look down! Marjorie: No, I didn't. My check just came. Frasier: Oh, well, Marjorie, we're just about out of time now. Call me tomorrow, will you? Well, that's it for today folks. Stay tuned for Bob "Bulldog" Briscoe. This is Dr. Frasier Crane, KACL 780, talk radio. He switches off, Bulldog comes in, wheeling his trolley. Bulldog: Hey, Doc. Frasier: Bulldog. Bulldog: I caught the first hour of your show today. If that chick whining about sexual harassment called my show, I'd say "Listen doll, you don't want people snapping your bra, don't wear one." Frasier: Brilliant in its simplicity. Bulldog: [to Roz] Hey, how's this sound, hardbody: You, me, Sonics, Nicks, tonight. Roz: Sorry Bulldog, but I'm already going. I have season tickets. Bulldog: Oh, we can still get together afterwards. Roz: Only if I smash into your car in the parking lot. Bulldog: Why is it the ones who want it the most put up the biggest struggle? Roz: Because, when I do finally give in, I want us to enjoy it all the more. Bulldog gives her a kind of hopeful look. Roz: That is, if I'm not too distracted by the fact that every man on Earth has died. [stalks off] Bulldog: Almost had her there. Frasier: Yes, it could have gone either way. Bulldog: Ah, well, with my pull I can get those anytime I want. He tosses the tickets down, Niles comes in. Niles: Hello, Frasier. Frasier: Oh, oh, Bulldog, have you met my brother Niles? Niles, this is Bulldog Briscoe. Niles: Oh, oh, oh, just the man I want to talk to. As a sports expert I'm sure you can tell me why none of the local media carry the Ivy League squash standings. Bulldog: [bursts out laughing] Whoa! Another one just like you. Some gypsy put a curse on your family? Well, I gotta run. See you later, Miles. Niles: It's, it's Niles. Bulldog: Like it matters. Niles: Well, you ready for our boys night out at La Cochan Noir? He puts his hand down and accidentally honks Bulldog's horn. Frasier: Yes. But Niles, I've been wondering: Would you mind if I asked Dad to join us? Niles: Remember the last time we took Dad to a four-star restaurant? He had a miserable time. The restaurant lost a whole star. Frasier: Yes, it's just I'm trying desperately to come up with some way to get him out of the house. He's off on one of his "Weeping Lotus" binges again. Niles: We've tried distracting him before. We've taken him everywhere from the arboretum to the zen garden. [thinks] Wait a minute, the zen garden is at the arboretum. Good lord, is it possible we've only taken him one place? Frasier: [spotting the tickets] Oh, Niles, Niles, this is it, this is it. The basketball game! Niles: Basketball? Frasier: Yes, yes, I can get another ticket from the promotional department. Oh, this is perfect. Just imagine how excited Dad will be to go to a game with his two sons. My God, it's the archetypal male bonding ritual! Niles: Couldn't we just go into the woods, kill something and have done with it? [off Frasier's glare] All right. Frasier: Come on Niles, look, it'll give you a chance to see the Tacoma Dome. Niles: [as they walk out] I've already seen it. They had a home show there, once. You know, that's where I got that idea to stencil a grape arbor on our Wilkes dresser. Frasier: I'm a Teamster compared to you. [SCENE_BREAK] STRANGERS IN A STRANGE LAND Scene 3 - The Tacoma Dome Fade in. Niles and Martin are in their seats. Niles is looking around. Salesman: Peanuts! Peanuts here, peanuts! Martin: Niles, the game is that way. Niles: I know, I'm just calculating our escape routes in case of fire or urban unrest. Maris taught me that. Martin: You love her, don't you? Niles: Yes I do. Why? Martin: It just helps to know that. Frasier comes over with snacks. Frasier: Here we are: one beer, and two glasses of wine. I'm sure it's good, Niles, they opened a fresh box when they poured it. Niles sniffs the glass, reels, and puts it down without drinking. Martin: What are you guys doin' drinkin' wine at a ball game? You should be drinkin' beer. Niles: Dad, I only drink beer when I eat German food. Which is to say, never. [to Frasier] Did you notice where the facilities are when you were up? Frasier: Yes, Niles, it's just as you feared: communal urinals in the mens room. Niles: Oh, fine. What am I supposed to do about my shy kidneys? Frasier: So, Dad, aren't these great seats, huh? Martin: Yeah. Frasier: What's the matter with you? Martin: Uh, nothin'. Let me borrow your pen a minute, will ya? Frasier: [handing it over] What for? Martin: Well, I was thinking about that ballistics report and I just want to make a note so I won't forget it. Frasier: Dad, the whole idea of coming here tonight was to get your mind off of the case. Listen I've done some reading. It seems the key for the Sonics is to stop Starts from penetrating and dumping the ball off for easy baskets. Niles: Stop Starts? That sounds funny. Stop Starts. Stop Starts, stopstarts, stopstarts... Frasier: Oh, shut up, Niles! Martin: It makes no sense. Frasier: Well, Dad, it's not my theory, I'm just quoting some sports writer. Martin: No, I mean Helen. She was tall. She was five feet seven. Yet the bullet entered on a downward trajectory. Frasier: Dad, please try to participate. Ooh, look! They're starting the wave! Ooh, it's coming this way, it's coming this way! The wave comes, Frasier jumps up with it, Martin and Niles don't move. Niles is putting on a headset. Frasier: That was fun, wasn't it? Oh, look, there's a peanut guy! [calling out] Peanuts! A bag of peanuts is thrown into Niles's lap. He throws it back and forth. Niles: How dare you! Stop it! That hooligan is pelting me with peanuts! From the look of that tray, he's come prepared. Stop it! Frasier: Stop it, that is for me! Martin: I gotta go make a call. Frasier: Oh, Dad, this isn't about the case, is it? Martin: Yeah. Frasier: Well, Dad, look, you've been working on it for twenty years, how come you're so obsessed now? Martin: Look, when Helen was murdered, I made a promise to her mother. I said that no matter how long it took, I'd find the killer. Well, I had a call from her last week, and she's an old lady now, living in a home somewhere and, I don't know, she just doesn't seem to have a lot longer to go, and it just kind of lit a fire under me to get this thing solved. So, I appreciate your bringing me here, but I gotta make this call. I'll be back in a couple of minutes. [He gets up to go to the phones.] Frasier: Okay, Dad. I understand. Martin leaves. A man comes down and sits beside Niles. Fan: Boy, the traffic tonight is murder. [to Niles] Hey pal, what's the score? Niles: West Side Story. The man and Frasier both look confused, Niles makes a little "conducting" gesture. Fade out. Act 2 Scene 1 - Frasier's Apartment Fade in. Martin and Daphne are again poring over the "Weeping Lotus" material. Martin: You know what's always bugged me? This picture of the crime scene. The way Helen's written "help." Why would she do that? Daphne: Well, I suppose the word "howdy" would have been a bit too cheery under the circumstances. [She goes to the kitchen.] Martin: But it makes no sense: anybody who could read "help" in the dirt could also see Helen lying there. Frasier and Niles come in the front door. Frasier: Evening, Dad. Niles: Hey, Dad. Martin: Oh, listen, thanks again for the ball game. It was great. Frasier: Oh, God, it was a pleasure, Dad. I'm only sorry you couldn't join us for dinner afterwards. La Cochan Noir gave us a late seating for a fabulous dinner. They go to the liquor shelf. Niles: It was an exquisite meal, marred only by the lack of even one outstanding cognac on their carte d' vijastite. Frasier: Yes, but think of it this way, Niles: what is the one thing better than an exquisite meal? An exquisite meal with one tiny flaw we can pick at all night. He hands Niles a brandy. Niles: Ah... quite right. To impossible standards. [They clink glasses.] Frasier: So, Dad, any progress on the case? Martin: Nah, I'm beat. Sometimes it's better to just get a good night's sleep and start fresh in the morning. Good night, fellas. Frasier: Night, Dad. Niles: Don't forget: brush your teeth and say your prayers. Martin: [laughing] That's what I used to say to you guys when you were kids, didn't I? Frasier: No, you didn't. Martin: Oh. I meant to. Niles: We knew that. He leaves. Daphne comes from the kitchen with a mug of tea. Frasier sits at the table. Daphne: Hello. Niles: Hello, Daphne Daphne: How was your dinner? Niles: It was fine, except for one small flaw. Daphne: Oh, just the way you like it. I see you're a bit intrigued by that yourself. Frasier: Yes, well it's been a while since I've gone over this. Who are these guys? Daphne: Oh, just some of the principal players in our little drama. [she passes over a photo] That's Detective Shelby, the vice cop who found the body. Niles: Who is this menacing little mono-brow? Daphne: Oh, that's Robbethai, a logger. An ex-boyfriend of Helen's. He used to come down from the mountains every couple of months and disappear with her. Niles: If you ask me, he's the murderer. Daphne: Impossible, he's got an air-tight alibi. Niles: What is it? Daphne: He was killing somebody else at the time. But you have to admit, this case has it all: s*x, greed, jealousy, revenge, a monkey, hatred, deception... Frasier: Wait, wait, wait... Daphne: What? Frasier: A monkey? Niles: Yeah. This is a snapshot of the murder victim with her pet monkey, Koko. He was given to her by another boyfriend, Clive Brisbane. Frasier: Well, why wasn't Brisbane a suspect? Daphne: Well, he was, but several witnesses saw him at the racetrack at the time of the murder. Niles: Excuse me, is that Clive Brisbane the animal trainer? Daphne: That's right. Brisbane's Amazing Apes. They opened in Las Vegas for Englebert Humperdink. Frasier: Yes, it's easy to forget there was a time when Las Vegas wasn't the tacky place it is now. Niles: You know, I actually caught Brisbane's act on a trip to Las Vegas during college. Those apes were amazing! One minute, they'd be staging a living tableaux of George Washington crossing the Delaware, the next they'd be shooting suction cup arrows at Brisbane's lovely assistant's derriere. Frasier: You know, there is a way that Brisbane could be the killer, and still have his horse track alibi hold up. Daphne, Niles, I present you with... the killer! [He turns around a photo of a chimpanzee.] Daphne: A monkey was the trigger man? Frasier: Just play along with me here. They're capable of shooting arrows, why not a gun? Daphne: But why would Brisbane have her killed? Frasier: [getting up] Because, because she jilted him for someone else. Daphne: Robbethai, the logger! Frasier: Exactly! My God, we've done it! Daphne: No, you've done it, Dr. Crane! Frasier: Well, yes! But you were standing very close by. Wait a minute. Are we saying here that a murder was committed by a monkey? Niles: It's not so very farfetched! It could be Brisbane's diabolical homage to the Edgar Allan Poe story "Murders in the Rue Morgue." It's all about an orangutan who goes about the rooftops of Paris murdering people. Wait 'til we tell Dad his case has finally been solved! Dad! Dad! Frasier: No. Niles, Niles, wait, wait. It's still just a theory. Even if we are right, just think how Dad would feel, knowing we cracked a case he couldn't solve in twenty years. Daphne: Oh, dear, you're right. Frasier: Wait. It's merely serendipity that I stumbled into this. Why can't it happen again? I simply rearrange the photos in a way that Dad will see the connection. All right, we've got Koko, the gun, and Helen. Martin comes from his room. Martin: What is it? No, hey, Frasier! What are you doin' over there? Frasier: Sorry Dad. Martin: No, no, no, I got these all set out the way I want 'em. This one goes up... He stares at the photos as the others look hopefully at him. Martin: I'll be damned. Frasier: Something wrong? Martin: Look at that! Frasier: What? Martin: Well, I never thought it would just leap out and bite me like this. I think I may have solved this pain in the ass case. Niles: You have? Frasier: Dad, Dad, that's wonderful news! Martin: Oh, no, no. Don't get too excited. I mean, this is kind of farfetched. I mean, it's a long shot, but, it's beginning to make sense to me. Frasier: Here, lay it all out for us. Martin: No, no guys, please, just give me a little privacy, will ya? I just gotta do some thinking. Niles: No problem, Dad. Daphne: I was just going to bed meself. Night, all. Niles: [turning to stare after her] Goodnight, Daphne. Frasier walks over to stand by Niles. Niles: Oh, look at him. Do you see the sparkle in his eye? Oh, Frasier, he's like a little kid at Christmas. Martin: Oh, geez, what happened to my entry wound close-ups? Frasier: Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la! [SCENE_BREAK] USE A MONKEY, GO TO JAIL Scene 2 - Frasier's Apartment Fade in. Daphne is sitting on the couch, Frasier enters. Frasier: Hello Daphne. Daphne: Hello. Frasier: Is Dad home? Daphne: Nope, I haven't seen him since he knocked me up early this morning. Frasier, putting his coat up, slows and turns. Frasier: What? Daphne: Knocked me up. Woke me up. It's an English expression. What does it mean here? Frasier: Oh, something else. You'd definitely be awake for it, though. [He heads for the sherry.] Daphne: He was headed down to the station house to present his theory. Frasier: Oh, dear God, I wish he hadn't done that. You know, I've been turning it over in my mind all day. The more I think about it, the goofier it sounds. I mean, a MONKEY. Let's hope they didn't laugh him out of the station, be one hell of way to end a thirty year police career. Daphne: Oh, now, now, Dr. Crane, it's not the most outlandish theory in the world. Frasier: You're right, I could have said it was a trained giraffe. I suppose it killed her by spitting a bullet at her, thus explaining the downward trajectory. Martin comes in the front. Martin: Hey, guys. Daphne: Hello. Frasier: Hi, Dad. Martin: I don't suppose we've heard anything from the station house, huh? Daphne: Not yet. Martin: I was afraid of that. I mean I knew my theory was a bit iffy, but when I told the guys they looked at me like I'd lost my mind. Frasier: Geez, they didn't ridicule you, did they? Martin: Oh, no, they always treat old timers with respect. They said "I'll check it out." Just like I used to when some nutbag'd come in there with aluminum foil in his hat claiming the Martians were trying to steal his brain waves. Daphne: I'm sorry, Mr. Crane. Martin: Oh, I don't know what I was thinking of. I've been walking around all afternoon just trying to figure out how I came up with such a half-assed theory. Frasier: Dad, it wasn't your fault. I did it. Martin: You killed her? Frasier: No. But I did plant that ridiculous idea in your head. Remember last night when you came in, so upset that I was rearranging your pictures? Well, I rearranged them in a specific way so that you would... come to the same conclusion I did. Martin: So you had the idea first? Frasier: I can't tell you how terrible I feel. Martin: Ah, don't blame yourself. You might have put the aluminum foil in my hat, but I walked right into the station wearin' it. The doorbell rings. Daphne: I'll get it. She opens the door. A man in casual clothes comes in. Frank: Hiya, Marty. Martin: Hey, Frank. Frasier, Daphne, you remember Frank Hollings from the precinct? Frank: Hey Marty, we gotta talk. Martin: Frank, about that theory of mine... Frank: I can't for the life of me figure what you were thinking. Martin: I know, I know. I just feel so stupid, wasting your time. Frank: It cost us a whole afternoon, and five detectives' time. And all we got to show for it is... heh, heh, we got the b*st*rd! Martin: I was right? Frank: Hey, you don't believe me, ask these derelicts. He opens the door and a bunch of cops, some in uniform, come in with beers. They are all congratulating Martin: "Hey! Way to go, Marty!" "Marty, you still got it! "And it only took you twenty years!" Daphne: Oh, Mr. Crane, I'm so proud of you. Frasier: Oh, that's amazing, that's wonderful! [as a man spills beer on the couch] Oh, that's suede! He and Daphne rush to the kitchen to get towels. Cop: So Marty, how did you do it? Martin: Well, you know, for years, I thought it was Robbethai, the logger. And then I thought, well, maybe it was Brisbane the animal trainer, but I was wrong. Frank: How did you finally decide that it was Detective Shelby? Martin: Well, I kept lookin' at that picture, and it kept buggin' me, you know? Why was she trying to write "help" in the dirt and then it came to me! She was trying to write the killer's name, "Shelby." Only she must've died before she finished the "b" and, and somebody must've kicked dirt over the "s." Frank: Well, you nailed him all right. We pulled him in for interrogation and he cracked like a nut. CUT TO - the kitchen. Daphne: Oh, I'm sorry I ever doubted you. But, then, you yourself were beginning to wonder if a monkey could really commit a murder. Frasier: Well, I may have momentarily doubted it, but from time to time I have to be reminded to trust my gift. They leave. Cut to - the living room as they enter. Martin: So, did you call the girl's mother yet? Frank: Nah, we left that for you. After all, you were the guy who solved this thing. Martin: Ah, well, actually, I can't take all the credit for it, right Frasier? Come on, get over here. Frasier: Now, now, Dad. Martin: Nah, come on, don't be shy. I'm proud of ya. You know, I was a cop for thirty years and it took my son with his Ph.D. mind to crack this baby. Daphne: Of course, I was standing next to him at the time. Frank: So, tell us about it, Frasier. Frasier: Oh, no. They all shout encouragement. Frasier: All right, I hate to toot my own horn, but, if it will make Dad happy. I suppose it was my expertise in human behavior, combined with a lifelong enthusiasm for the Rwandan lowland gorilla that first set me thinking about the monkey. Everyone looks confused. Frank: I'm not sure I'm following you. Frasier: Perhaps I'm going too fast, I'll go slower. The key was when I figured out if Brisbane could teach a monkey to impersonate George Washington, then surely he could teach a monkey to cock a revolver, sneak up a fire escape, lie in wait for Helen, pump her full of lead and then make his getaway, perhaps even still wearing the revolutionary war regalia in order to confuse any chance witnesses. In fact, oh and this is way out there, but geez, maybe you should check to see if there were any local bank robberies at the time that were committed by a short, hairy man wearing a powdered wig. There is a long silence. Martin: You think the monkey was the killer? Daphne: When I said I was standing next to him, I was really most of the way across the room. [She leaves.] Frasier: Well, wasn't he? Martin: No, it was Shelby. Frasier: Who's Shelby? Martin: He was a vice cop. He was in love with Helen. Frasier: Oh. Well, that was my second choice. Everyone bursts out laughing. Frasier: Can I freshen anyone's drink? Frank: Help me out here, Frasier. What did you think the monkey's motive was? Jealousy? Or maybe he just did it for the insurance money. Cop: Hey, hey, hey. Do you think we should put a tail on that monkey? Another: If that monkey did it, he'll swing for this. Frasier: Yes, yes, that's all very funny. Martin: Oh, come on, Frasier you can take a joke, can't you? Frasier: Well, I suppose I can, yes. Oh, wait! I've got one. Who do you suppose the monkey will get to defend him? Clarence Darrow? Everyone is stone silent and confused. Frasier: The Scopes Monkey trial... You know, Darwin's theory of evolution... It was turned into a Pulitzer Prize-winning novel, "Inherit the Wind." [giving up, to a cop] Is that gun loaded? [SCENE_BREAK] Frasier comes in the front door. Daphne is sprawled on the couch, red stains on her face and clothes. Eddies is sitting on the table above her, a gun in his mouth. Martin comes out with a bottle of ketchup and he and Daphne burst out laughing. Frasier make a "Ha-ha" face.

With the help of Niles and Daphne, Frasier uses his psychiatric expertise to help Martin solve an old murder case that has puzzled him for years. Martin takes his findings to the police, gets kudos for solving the case, and at a small celebration gives Frasier credit. However, they discover that Frasier in fact believed a chimpanzee to have been responsible for the crime.

fd_Merlin_02x01

fd_Merlin_02x01_0

The Great Dragon : In a land of myth and a time of magic, the destiny of a great kingdom on the shoulders of a young boy. His name ... Merlin! [The Night - Camelot's Catacombs] [Men dig the stone and discover a secret room.] [Arthur's Room] [Arthur is awakened by the infernal noise of the pickaxes.] Arthur : Oh! Merlin! Merlin! Merlin : Yes, sire? Arthur : Are you deaf? Merlin : I wish. Arthur : I want you to go down there and tell them to stop. Merlin : But they're working under the king's orders. Arthur : Yeah. And you're working under mine. Merlin : Oh ...! [Merlin leaves the room and descends into the catacombs.] [The pickers enter a treasure room. One of the men is killed by a protective mechanism of the room. The others run away.] [Merlin, in turn, enters the vast room and challenges the dead.] Merlin : Hello? [Generic] [Treasure Room] Merlin : How do you think he died? Gaius? Gaius : Mmm? Merlin : Do you know whose tomb it is? Gaius : I'm not sure. Merlin : Do you think it might be cursed? [Gaius triggers a deadly mechanism and saved by Merlin.] Gaius : You've just saved my life. [Uther Pendragon and his son arrive in turn.] Uther [A Merlin] : Idiot. Arthur : Were you born, clumsy or do you work at it? Merlin : It's just one of my many gifts. Uther : Well, this is quite a find. You see, guys, I was right. There is treasure to be found under Camelot. Which of my predecessors do I have to thank for all this? Gaius? Gaius : I'd have to look into it, sire. Uther [Seeing the corpse]: How did he die? Gaius : He seems to have been unwittingly triggered a trap here. Arthur : To deter serious robbers. Uther: Well, there's plenty in here people would want to steal. Have them secure the tomb. Guarding it is your responsibility, Arthur. Arthur : Yes, Father. [Evening - A tavern] C dric : So this ... jewel, what size would you say it was? A pickaxe : About that size. Cedric : My word, really? About that size, you say. Well, I never. [At Tavernier] Here. Drink up. [To the pick] And, er, this tomb, I bet they got that locked up nice and safe, did not they? The pick: Tighter than the King's coffers. Cedric : Yeah. Must be a way in, though? The pick : Only with the keys. C dric: Right, right. Right. And who's got the keys? The peeper : A You must think I'm stupid. I'm not telling you that. C dric : [Handing him a full purse] Course not. A bright lad like you knows what's out of information's worth. We do not want everyone to see. Believe me, this place is full of thieves and fingersmiths. Put it inside your tunic. And, er, careful of that fellow over there. The picker : Which one? Cedric : Far end of the bar. See him? He keeps on watching you. The pick : Yeah, yeah, yeah, with the beard. C dric : No, no. That one. [Slowly recovering his purse] The picker: I got my eye on him. Thank you. Cedric : So who's got the keys? The peeper : Only the prince. But do not get your hopes up. He kept them in his private rooms. And there's only one person in there ... his servant. [The next day - Camelot Court] [Arthur and Merlin prepare to go hunting. C dric stares at the scene from afar.] Arthur : Hurry up, Merlin. Merlin [Encombr ] : Sorry. [Merlin kneels to help Arthur get on his horse.] Arthur [Who falls] : Oh! Merlin! Merlin : I do not understand. Arthur : Well, there's a surprise. poleaxe: I did that girth up myself. Arthur : I think that might have been the problem. Merlin : It was not my fault! Cedric [Bringing the horse back] : Would you like to groom properly for you, sire? Arthur : Thank you. C dric : It's an honor to be of service to the Prince. Arthur : An honor. Do you hear that, Merlin? C dric : Allow me the honor of brushing your clothes down. Arthur : The honor. C dric : Is there anything else I can do for you, Sire? Arthur : Well, you can give Merlin, here, kick up the backside. C dric: I would not wish to deprive you of the pleasure, Sir. Arthur : What's your name? Cedric : Cedric. I've come to Camelot in search of work. Arthur : Good, you can be a beater on the hunt. We're short of a man or two. Cedric : You're too kind, sire. Merlin : Here, you'll need a beater. Ooh! Oh, sorry. [Treasure Room] [Gaius watches the symbols on the grave.] [Hunting] Merlin : Flayo fago. [Merlin saves Arthur.] Arthur : Who threw that? [To C dric] Was it you? Cedric [Acquiring] : Hmm. Arthur : You've just saved my life. C dric : Honestly, sire, it was nothing. Arthur : I will be forever indebted to you. You must be rewarded. C dric : No, no. I could not possibly ... Arthur : Come on. What do you wish for? C dric : I want only one thing, sire. Arthur : Anything. C dric : A position in the royal household. Arthur : Good. Consider it done. [Laughs] C dric [A Merlin] : You can have that back now. Merlin : Oh! Cedric : Oh, sorry! [Evening - Gaius Lab] Gaius [A Merlin] : What's wrong? poleaxe: I saved Arthur's life. Someone else got the credit. Just the usual. What are you doing? Gaius : I found this inscription on the scepter. Merlin : What language is that? Gaius : I do not know. Sigan would have known many languages. Merlin : Sigan? Gaius : It's his tomb. Merlin : Who's he? Gaius : Merlin! He was the most powerful sorcerer to have lived. Merlin : Really? Gaius : You did not grow up in Camelot, but Cornelius Sigan was a figure of nightmare. Merlin : Why? Gaius: Sigan's Pass. He could change day into night. Turn the tides, and legend has it, his spells helped to build Camelot itself. Merlin : What happened? Gaius : In the end, he grew too powerful and the king at that time ordered his execution. Merlin : If he's dead, why are you so worried? Gaius : Sigan could not bear the thought that his wealth would die with him, so he became obsessed with finding a way to defeat death itself. Merlin : You think he could have succeeded? Gaius : Let's hope not. For all our sakes. [Royal Hall] Uther : Gaius. What is it you want? Gaius: To seal the burial chamber and all its contents. Uther : Do not be ridiculous. Gaius : The insignia on this ring belongs to Cornelius Sigan. I believe it to be his tomb. In the old religion thename Sigan means "raven". Uther : No wonder the rich are so great. Gaius : Then you're aware of the legend, sire. Uther : Yes. I'm always enjoying the tale of the ... arrogant sorcerer who came to an untimely end. Gaius : According to the story, Sigan cursed Camelot. He said he would go back to the ground. Uther : Gaius, you have long been my ally in the war against sorcery. You, more than anyone, should not give up these irrational fears. Gaius : Thank you, Sire. Uther : And Gaius, do not spread panic among my people. This is foolish superstition, nothing more. [During the night - Morgana's room] [Morgana wakes up, terrified, after a nightmare.] Morgana : Argh! Gwen? Gwen! Gwen : My lady! My lady, what's the matter? It's all right, it's all right. I'm here. I'm here. There's nothing to be frightened of. Ssh, sh, sh. [The next day - Prince's Chamber] Arthur : Is that lunch? Merlin : No, it's breakfast. Arthur : This is lovely, Cedric. Merlin : Is there anything else that you need doing, Sire? Arthur: No, I think Cedric's got it all covered. C dric : Oh, I regret, Sire, there is one thing I've failed to do, muck out your horses. Arthur [To Merlin] : Off you go. Cedric : I'll get the door for you. [Morgana's bedroom] Gaius : What was this dream about? Morgana : A bird. Gaius : What kind of bird? Morgana : A raven. Gaius : A raven? Morgana : It was terrifying, Gaius. What do you think it means? Gaius : Probably nothing. Morgana : It's happening again, is not it? Gaius: Morgana, one raven certainly does not mean that your nightmares are returning. Are you taking the sleeping drafts I prepared for you? I'll get Gwen to give you something stronger. Morgana : Like a blow to the head? I'm sure she wants to. [Stables] [Merlin falls asleep. Cedric takes the opportunity to release the horses.] C dric : Go on. Go and have some fun. Go on. Go and have fun. [Outdoors] A guard [Seeing the horses running away] : Sire! [Stables] [Arthur leaning over Merlin asleep] Merlin : Sire! Arthur : What are you doing? Merlin : Nothing. Arthur : I can see that. Merlin : I was not sleeping. I was ... I was just bending down. Arthur : Looking for something? Merlin : Yes. Arthur : Perhaps we're looking for the same thing. Merlin : What? Arthur : Oh, I do not know ... the horses! Merlin : The horses? Oh! Arthur : One mistake I can understand. Everyone has a bad day now and then, but this is one thing after another! Merlin : I do not know what happened. C dric : Sire ... Please, Sire ... Do not be too hard on him. He's a good servant. He's just ... He's tired. Merlin : I am not! Cedric : Maybe ... if he had the evening off. Merlin : I do not want the evening off. C dric : A good night's rest ... Merlin : I did not fall asleep! Cedric : I'm more than willing to take over his duties tonight. Arthur : Perhaps you're right. Merlin : No! Arthur : Shut up, Merlin. Merlin : Can not you see what he's trying to do? He's trying to get rid of me and you're not sucha clotpole you'd see that. Arthur : A what? Cedric : Clotpole. He said clotpole. Arthur : Cedric's right. He can look after me tonight. You can go home and think about whether you want to be my servant or not. Merlin : Arthur : Go! [Evening - Gaius Lab] Gaius : What's that on your face? Merlin : Nothing. Gaius : What's wrong? Merlin : Nothing. [Merlin's Chamber] Gaius : Here. Merlin : I'm not an idiot. Gaius : What happened? Merlin : I just want Arthur to trust me. And to see me for who I really am. Gaius : One day he will. Merlin : When? Everything I'm an idiot. Gaius: Not everyone thinks you're an idiot. Although, looking at you now ... Now is not the time to be questioning these things, Merlin. I believe that you and Arthur are destined for greatness, and that your calling is to serve and protect him. Merlin : It's hard. Gaius : I know it's hard, but Camelot is in serious danger. I've translated the inscription: "He who breaks my heart completes my work." Merlin : What does it mean? Gaius : Do you remember the stone in the tomb, how does it glowed? Merlin : I've never seen a jewel like it. Gaius : That's because it's not a jewel. It's the soul of Cornelius Sigan. Merlin : You think he's alive? Gaius: His soul is. But in order to truly live, a soul needs a body. Merlin : So the stone is removed from its setting ... then the heart is broken and the soul released? Gaius : That's what I fear. [Arthur's room] C dric : I'll be right in the anteroom should you need me. Arthur : That'll be all, Cedric. C dric : Sleep well, Sire. [Night - Treasury Room] C dric : Oh, yes! Yes! Oh, yes! Oh, yes! Hello, ladies! [C dric removes the jewel from the grave and Sigan takes possession of him.] [The next day - Treasure Room] Arthur : Sound the warning bell. [He leaves and leaves only Gaius and Merlin.] Gaius : Merlin. Whoever did this got more than they bargained for. Merlin : I do not understand how they got in. The gate's not even damaged. Gaius : They must have used a key. Merlin : Arthur's got the only key. Gaius : Where does he keep it? Merlin : On his belt with the others. Gaius : Does he ever take it off? Merlin : Only when he's asleep. He keeps it next to his bed. Gaius : Who had access to his chambers last night? Merlin : Just me. And ... Cedric. [Arthur's Chamber] MerlinCedric is possessed by an evil spirit. Arthur : What? Merlin : He tried to steal the jewel. But it was not a jewel. It was the soul of an ancient sorcerer, Sigan. Arthur : Merlin, have you been on the cider? Merlin : Please ... Listen to me. Camelot is in mortal danger. Sigan is using Cedric's body to take his revenge. Arthur : This nonsense is not helping you keep your job. Merlin : You are not listening to me! Arthur : If you're going to shout anyway ... Cedric! Will you escort Merlin from the palace? [Merlin throws herself on Cedric.] Arthur : Merlin! [Arthur catches Merlin.] ArthurYou've gone too far this time, Merlin. You can spend a few days cooling off in the cells. Guards! [In the cell] Merlin : He's going to destroy Camelot! [During the night - Camelot Court] Sigan : I am returned. Cume eft to Camelot! Swa thaet ic maeg min faehth awrecan! Nu ic lybbe ee and ic maeg raedan min burh! [Creatures attack Camelot.] [Council Chamber ] Uther : I want to know what this creature is, where it's come from. Arthur : There's more than one, Father. We've had several reports. There's panic in the lower town. People are fleeing the city. Uther : Then you must hunt the creatures down and kill them. ArthurYes, Sire. [Camelot Court] [Council Chamber ] Uther : Have you seen what's happening? Gaius : It is as I warned you, Sire. Uther : This can not be Sigan. Gaius : It's his revenge. He's coming back from the dead. Uther : Then he will die again. Gaius : You do not understand, Sire. You can not kill a man who has conquered mortality. Uther : Do not tell me what can not be done. Camelot will not fall to a sorcerer while I am king. [Court of Camelot] [Arthur defends the city with his knights.] [In the dungeon] Merlin : Hello? [SCENE_BREAK] [Court of Camelot] Arthur: Group! Form a phalanx. [Improvised Hospital] Gaius : We need more bandages, Gwen. [To Morgana] You should not be doing this. Morgana : It's exactly what I should be doing. Gaius : You need rest, Morgana. Morgana : And I'm able to get along with all this going on? [In the cell] Merlin : Tospringe! [Court of Camelot] Arthur : Guinevere? Gwen : Sire. Arthur : That thing could have killed you. Gwen : And it still might. [Gwen throws herself on Arthur and puts him down.] Gwen : Sorry, sire. Arthur: No, my pleasure. [Improvised Hospital] Gwen : I'll get you something to stop the bleeding. Arthur : Guinevere. I wanted to say ... Just, er ... You're always surprised me. Gwen : Is that it, sire? Arthur : That's it. Oh, and, er ... Thank you. [Uther arrives.] Uther : Arthur. Arthur : It's nothing. Uther : Have we driven the creatures out? Arthur : They have control of the lower town. The market has been all but destroyed. Uther : How many dead? Arthur : Too many to number. Uther : I'm sealing the citadel. Arthur : You can not! Uther : I have no choice. I have to protect those who have a chance. If I do not, we will all fall. Where are you going? Arthur : There are people trapped on the drawbridge. I'm not leaving them to die. Uther : It's suicide! Arthur : It's my duty to Camelot, and to myself. [Merlin, out of sight, calls Gaius.] Merlin : Gaius! Gaius : What are you doing here? Merlin : I have to help Arthur. Gaius : Merlin, Sigan's power is way beyond yours. Merlin : I do not have a choice. Gaius : But Sigan is immortal and you are not. If you face him, he'll destroy you. poleaxe: There must be a way. Gaius : There is only one alive who is old enough to give us the answers we need. Merlin : What do you mean? Gaius : The Great Dragon. Merlin : You knew, then, that I used to visit him? Gaius : Yes, Merlin, of course I knew. You're a creature of magic, just as he is. I hoped that he could help you. Merlin : He helps no-one but himself. Gaius : For Arthur's sake, you must go to him now. Merlin : I can not. Gaius : We have no choice. [Camelot Court] [Many bodies are lying on the ground.] Arthur : Check for survivors. [A creature attacks Arthur and his men.] Arthur : It's me! Charge! [Dragon's Cave] Merlin : Hello? Hello! Please! I need your help! [The Dragon appears.] The Great Dragon : You told me I would not see you again. Merlin : I'm not here for myself. I'm here for Arthur. The Great Dragon : Arthur's path lies with yours. You have made it clear that you do not walk in step with me. Merlin : You can not want Cornelius Sigan to win. You're not evil. The Great Dragon : At least Sigan knows where his loyalties lie. You have shown that you do not. Merlin : So you will let Camelot fall? The Great Dragon: I did not say that. Merlin : Then you will help me? The Great Dragon : To defeat Sigan, you will need a spell more powerful than anything you know. Merlin : Please. I have to try. The Great Dragon : Very well, but you must give me something in return. Merlin : What? The Great Dragon : promised. Merlin : promised? The Great Dragon : That one day you will free me. Merlin : If I release you, what will you do? The Great Dragon : That's not your concern. Merlin : I do not trust you. The Great Dragon: Nevertheless, you must promise, or Camelot will fall. Merlin : I promised. Now, please, give me the spell. The Great Dragon : Close your eyes and open your mind. [Merlin gains powerful power.] The Great Dragon : Few men have ever been gifted such knowledge. Use it wisely. Merlin : I will. The Great Dragon : You made a promise, young warlock. And one day, I'll keep you to it. [Court of Camelot] A knight : Arthur! Retreat! Regroup in the square! Arthur? Arthur? Arthur. [A creature stands between Arthur and his knights.] Arthur : Save yourselves! It's an order. Knight: Retreat, retreat! [Improvised Hospital] The Knight : Seal the doors! Uther : Where is Arthur? Where is he? You can not leave him out there. He'll be torn apart. Knight : You can not go out there, sire! If you open that door, you will die, we will all die. Uther : No! [Camelot Court] Sigan : Who would have believed it? You, a sorcerer. And a powerful one. Merlin : I will not let you hurt him. Sigan : And you're going to stop me? Merlin : I'll stop you. Sigan : He does not deserve your loyalty. He treats you like a slave. Merlin : That's not true. Sigan : He cast you away without a moment's thought ... Merlin : It does not matter. Sigan : But it must hurt so much. To be so put upon, so overlooked, when all the while you have such power. Merlin : That's the way it has to be. Sigan : Does it? You're young, Merlin. Look inside yourself, you have to discover your true power. I can help you. Think, Merlin, to have the world appreciate your greatness. To have Arthur know you for what you are. Merlin : That can never be. Sigan : It can. If you join me. Together we can rule over this land. Arthur will tremble at your voice. He will kneel at your feet. Merlin : I do not want that. Sigan: You'd rather be a servant? Merlin : Better to serve a good man than to rule with an evil one. Sigan : So be it. If you will not join me, I will become your favorite. [Sigan's soul escapes from Cedric's body and tries to take Merlin's possession.] Merlin : Thin sawol her beluce. Abide thaet ic the alyse. [Sigan's spirit takes possession of Merlin. The young man collapses.] [Gaius arrives and calls his apprentice.] Gaius : Merlin? [Merlin comes out of the fog.] Gaius : Well done, my boy. [The next day - Council Chamber ] Uther: We must learn our lessons from these terrible events, Gaius. Gaius : Indeed, Sire. Uther : They prove beyond doubt that I was right. Magic is evil, it is our greatest threat. I have grown complacent, Gaius. Gaius : I would not say that, sire. Uther : We must renew our efforts. We must make sure that their followers are eradicated from this Kingdom. Gaius : Of course, Sire. [Gaius Lab] Gaius : You know you will not get any thanks, Merlin. Merlin : I'm not a complete idiot. Gaius : There you go. It's not much. But you deserve something. [Knocking on the door.] Arthur: I've come to see Merlin. I have not forgotten about your lazy, insolent ways, or the fact that you have called me "clotpole". But I have to admit that there was some truth in your accusations against Cedric. Merlin : Does this mean you're admitting that this I was absolutely right? Arthur : Not exactly, no. It means that I have a knighthood to bestow first thing tomorrow and no-one to clean my armor. Merlin : All that? Arthur : Yep! [Arthur goes out. Terrified Merlin looks at Gaius, who then leans toward him.] Gaius : Clotpole? [SCENE_BREAK] Source: Mist of Camelot

New servant Cedric muscles in on Merlin's position as Arthur's right-hand man, and turns the prince against his loyal friend. Merlin is convinced the slippery newcomer is up to something, and he is right -Cedric is a conman and a thief who is after a magnificent jewel, recently unearthed in a tomb far beneath Camelot. Little does he know, his precious prize is more dangerous than he could possibly imagine. Camelot has never been more vulnerable, but how can Merlin make things right when, thanks to Cedric, he might have lost Arthur's friendship for good? Merlin faces the prospect of turning to the one creature he swore he would never trust again - The Great Dragon.

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[PREVIOUSLY_ON] BROOKE : You... are fired. BROOKE : I want to have a baby, and I realize that what I actually want is to have a family. NATHAN : Carrie! What are you doing?! This is not okay! You have to get out of here! CARRIE : It's okay, Nathan. NATHAN : Haley, this isn't this, okay? HALEY : I want you to get the hell out of my house right now! HALEY : No, you stay away from us! This marriage is over! I want a divorce. PEYTON : I still love you, Lucas. LUCAS : Peyton, I... LINDSEY : I'm sorry, Lucas. I can't marry you. CARRIE : Jamie! JAMIE : Nanny Carrie! HALEY : Jamie! JAMIE : Won't mama be mad? CARRIE : No. Besides... I'm gonna be your mama now. DAN : If you decide to go anywhere near my family ever again... I'd have no problem killing you. JAMIE : Mama! HALEY : Oh, baby! Come here! Sweetie, what happened to you? Are you okay? JAMIE : I'm fine. Grandpa Dan saved me. OUTSIDE NATHAN AND HALEY'S HOUSE It follows the end of the last episode. Dan is leaving the house, Lucas follows him LUCAS : Dan. (Dan seems happy to see Lucas coming after him, but Lucas punches him in the face several times until Nathan joins him and hit Dan too. Jamie runs out of the house, followed by Haley and goes see Dan who's on the ground) JAMIE : Grandpa! HALEY : Jamie! Jamie! DAN : Hey, buddy. HALEY : Jamie. DAN : I got to go now. You go back to your mom, okay? Go on. Go on. (Jamie starts returning to the house with Haley but stops) JAMIE : Grandpa. Thank you. (Dan stands up and leave while Nathan are Lucas watch him) FOUR WEEKS LATER, MARRIAGE COUNSELOR'S OFFICE Nathan and Haley are at one of their session HALEY : I guess I still find it hard to let Jamie out of my sight. It's just it's only been a month since he was abducted. Is it so crazy that I would still hear echoes from that day, that I would still be a little overprotective? COUNSELOR : Protective or overprotective? You said overprotective. HALEY : Okay. Well, you said it yourself. Identification is the first step to recovery, right? COUNSELOR :How have things been going since Nathan moved home? HALEY : Better. NATHAN : Better. COUNSELOR :We've spent the past four sessions discussing you and Nathan as a couple, as parents to Jamie. Let's talk about you as individuals. Who are you, Haley? HALEY : You mean, like, what do I do for a living, or what are my hobbies, or... COUNSELOR :No, I mean who are you? BROOKE AND PEYTON'S HOUSE Brooke is in her living room with a social worker BROOKE : Well, my name is Brooke Davis, and I own a fashion line called Clothes Over Bro's, which, before you read too much into it, is very boy-friendly, just clothes-friendlier. Anyway, I attended the orientation, so I took the liberty of drawing up a statement of my financial worth. I think you'll be very pleased. SOCIAL WORKER : How old are you, Brooke? BROOKE : 22. But I lead a rather accelerated lifestyle with the fashion line and the magazine. And I did read somewhere that 25 is the average age for women to... SOCIAL WORKER : Do you own your own home? (Brooke nods) SOCIAL WORKER : Are you sexually active? BROOKE : Lately, no, but not for a lack of trying. (The lady doesn't even smile and write some notes) BROOKE : Sorry. No. Anyway, as I said, I have my financial statements and a copy of my medical history, a copy of my birth certificate... SOCIAL WORKER : And do you drink? BROOKE : Sorry? SOCIAL WORKER : I noticed the bar. BROOKE : Oh, um, some. Not really. The bar is more for my roommate. SOCIAL WORKER : And that would be Peyton Sawyer, correct? BROOKE : You should see her knock 'em back. She's a champ. (The lady looks at Brooke, very serious) BROOKE : I mean... the boy that she loves recently almost married someone else and kind of went awol, so, unlike me, who is perfectly stable and normal, she's struggling a bit. I guess that's what happens when you fall in love... (The lady keep writing some notes) BROOKE : She can move out if it's a problem. PEYTON'S OFFICE Peyton is sitting at her desk and obviously speaking to someone in front of her, put we don't know who PEYTON : My mom used to sing to me. I don't think I've ever really told anybody that before. It was like our little secret. But every night, she'd come in, and she'd tuck me in, and she'd sing me something like lullabies or album rock stuff. And then, after she was gone, I remember lying in bed for the first time and just feeling silence, you know... and then realizing that for the rest of my life, it was gone. All her songs were gone, and her voice, and the way it used to soothe me. Just all of it. So I guess I tried to find new songs to fill that quiet. But none of them ever really have, you know? Now she's gone and Mia's gone... and Luke is gone. It's just silence. It's just silence. HARBOR Lucas is watching the view, Andy joins him ANDY : You hear that? LUCAS : Do I hear what? ANDY : Nothing. Silence. It's nice, huh? LUCAS : Yeah, I guess so. (They start walking toward Andy's boat) ANDY : Luke, you got to get her out of your head. It's been a month, man. You got to let it go. LUCAS : Let it go? A month ago, I had my whole life ahead of me... a second novel, basketball team, and a girl I was gonna spend the rest of my life with. ANDY : Well, you still have all those things yet. LUCAS : If I did, do you really think I would have spent the last four weeks at sea with you? ANDY : Which brings me to this... what are you doing out here? What do you mean? Well, I mean, it's not like we haven't loved having you, but it's time for you to get back to your life. And that all starts with a simple question. What do you want? MARRIAGE COUNSELOR'S OFFICE NATHAN : I want my family back. And I want Haley to trust me again. I want her to look at me the way she used to and see a better man than maybe I'll ever be. And then I want to be that man. And I will be, for her and for Jamie. HALEY : I want to believe in Nathan again. And I want to believe in the goodness of people. And I want my son to be safe, and I want him to be great, and I want that greatness to be seen and appreciated. That's what I want. BROOKE AND PEYTON'S HOUSE BROOKE : I want to have a family. I want to use my success to help a child who maybe never really had a chance at all. I want to be a mom. And I'm ready to be one. I believe that. PEYTON'S OFFICE PEYTON : I want to believe in it all again... music and art, fate and love. And I want to believe that I've made the right choices and that I'm on the right path and there's still time to fix the mistakes I've made. And I guess I want hope. And I want Lucas. ANDY'S BOAT LUCAS : I want Lindsey. I want her to be my wife, and... I just want to go back, you know? I want to go back to a month ago, when we were happy and life had meaning and purpose and direction. That's what I want. ANDY : Good... 'cause I have a way you can get all that. ALLEY'S STORE Peyton enters the store and find it empty. She leaves a note to Max on the door on her way out. She goes back to her car, which has a "for sale" sign on it. BROOKE AND PEYTON'S HOUSE BROOKE : What did you write? Something good, I hope. (Brooke's phone vibrates, she just hang up) BROOKE : Sorry. It's just that I kind of feel like I'm being judged, so... SOCIAL WORKER : You're not being judged, Brooke. You're being evaluated. It's to help clarify your reasons for wanting to adopt and to explore your capabilities, maturity, and emotional readiness. BROOKE : And does it take very long, the whole decision-making process? SOCIAL WORKER : No. The home study is the last of it. BROOKE : So I'll know if I'm gonna be a mom by the end of this meeting. SOCIAL WORKER : Essentially, yes. BROOKE : Wow. Well, how am I doing? SOCIAL WORKER : Let's talk about your past. MARRIAGE COUNSELOR'S OFFICE NATHAN : My problems with my past are of my own doing. I'm stubborn, and I have a temper, and I don't always make the best decisions. COUNSELOR : It must have been very difficult for you, coming so close to the NBA. Do you think about that much? NATHAN : Sometimes. Yeah. I mean, sometimes, I wake up in the middle of the night, and I walk through town, past the school, past the gym I can still hear the echoes, you know? HALEY : You never told me that. NATHAN : It's not something I'm all that proud of. It's like... look, I'm not good with being vulnerable. In fact, this is probably the closest I've come to it... Well, the second closest. COUNSELOR : What was the first? NATHAN : When I was a junior in high school, I took some... stuff to help me with my game... drugs... and it was a stupid thing to do. I ended up collapsing on the court, and my father was all about, you know, covering it up for the Scouts. Anyway, when I left the hospital, I went to see Haley, because I needed to know if she could forgive me. I wanted to see if I still had the chance to be great in her eyes. And when she did... she forgave me... that was the moment that everything changed for me. That was the moment I fell in love with her, this girl who could see past all the mistakes I've made. I don't know. I guess maybe sometimes I screw up because I want to feel that again. I suppose that sounds pretty broken. ANDY'S BOAT ANDY : You're not broken, Luke. You might think that you are, but... You remember when I left your mom the first time to go back to New Zealand? It was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do, because I still loved your mom, but I knew there was a place in her heart that I would never occupy, a place reserved for someone else. Somehow, I just couldn't get past it. Is this sounding familiar at all? LUCAS : Yeah. Yeah, she said my heart was conflicted. ANDY : Well, here comes the good news. There wasn't a day while we were apart that I wasn't completely in love with your mom. And all it would have taken was for her to simply say, "I love you, I miss you, and I need to be with you." LUCAS : I don't think it's that easy, Andy. ANDY : Lucas, it is that easy. Lindsey needs to be convinced that you love her. And did I mention that I have a private jet and New York's not too far from here? (They both laugh) LUCAS : No. I tried calling her, Andy, and she didn't want to talk to me. ANDY : All right, well, tell me this much. Has a day gone by since the wedding where you haven't thought about her or wanted to see her, wanted her back? LUCAS : No. ANDY : Then you owe it to yourself to tell her that. You owe it to Lindsey, too. Just trust me. Over time, not knowing is way worse than a no. MARRIAGE COUNSELOR'S OFFICE HALEY : I think not knowing is the hardest part... just not knowing what our marriage means to Nathan, if he still wants the same things out of our relationship that I want, if he still finds me sexy, or if he still wants me. NATHAN : How could you not know that? HALEY : The name Carrie comes to mind. Why didn't you just tell me about the flirting? NATHAN : I don't know. HALEY : Did you like it? NATHAN : Maybe. Maybe I just needed it. HALEY : Why, because I don't flirt with you after a long day of wrestling with high-school students and parenting our son? NATHAN : No, because you don't look at me like that anymore. And I get it, you know. I haven't been worthy of that look from you in a long time. But, God, Haley, I just... I miss that. COUNSELOR : When was the first time you felt a sense of accomplishment, Nathan? NATHAN : It was when I started playing basketball. COUNSELOR : And the support of your father? NATHAN : When I started playing basketball. COUNSELOR : And this year, all that stopped... all the praise and adoration... at least until your nanny started swimming naked. It's not the craziest case of transference I've ever heard. HALEY : So, what, I need to start swimming naked for my husband's ego? NATHAN : No, you don't... Haley, this is not your fault. It's not. COUNSELOR : Why not swim naked? You could try it together. It might be fun. HALEY (laughing) : Okay COUNSELOR : After all, you are 22. Tell me something. When was the last time the two of you did something really young and foolish together? HALEY : With all due respect, we have been married nearly 6 years. We have a son who's almost 5. We don't get to be young. COUNSELOR : Everyone gets to be young... especially when you are. PEYTON'S OFFICE Peyton is pasting posters to her wall when Max comes in MAX : Hey, I'm here about the car for sale. PEYTON : It runs great, even though it's kind of... (She turns over and sees Max) PEYTON : ...old. MAX : My parents said I could finally get one. PEYTON : Hi, Max. MAX : Hi, buddy. (They hug) POLICE'S OFFICE Dan is with his case manager MAN : Okay, for the first six months, you're not to leave the state without notifying my office. You must have a job or show an attempt at gainful employment at least twice a week. Any legitimate employment is normally acceptable. DAN : So, running for mayor again doesn't count? MAN : You may obtain help with problems concerning employment, residence, finances, or other issues that often trouble a person trying to adjust to life upon release from prison. (Dan shows him a picture of Jamie) DAN : Take a look at that. It's a good-looking boy, huh? That's Jamie. That's my grandson. You have kids? MAN : I'm your case manager. This isn't "The View." DAN : I know. I thought you might appreciate a little small talk, get to know each other. MAN : There's no small talk. DAN : It's just I haven't spoken to too many people in a long time... at least none that I haven't paid to listen. MAN : This is the balance of what the state owes you for your work detail in prison and to help you get situated. Count it, sign for it, and you can go. $3,437. DAN : 750 bucks a year, huh? And they say crime doesn't pay. (Dan takes the envelope and then put it in front of the guy) DAN : How'd you like to make 3 grand for a little small talk? (The man doesn't answer) DAN : So, anyway, like I was saying, he's a great kid. Smart... he's got his whole life ahead of him. The other day, he looks up at me, and he says... FLASHBACK, JAMIE'S SCHOOL Jamie is inside the schoolyard, talking with Dan who is outside JAMIE : They won't let me outside the fence. DAN : Yeah, trust me, I know the feeling. JAMIE : Can you really go to jail for not cleaning your room? DAN : No, but the guy next to me got 10 years for not eating his peas. JAMIE : I don't believe you. DAN : Good man. How's my favorite guy? JAMIE : Okay, except uncle Lucas is gone. DAN : Well, I get a feeling he'll be coming back soon. Your parents... they good? JAMIE : Daddy came back home. But he mostly sleeps on the couch again like before. DAN : Yeah. You know, I miss you, Jamie. JAMIE : I know. I miss you, too. DAN : Okay. Well, I better get going before I start looking pervy. JAMIE : What's pervy? DAN : Nothing you need to worry about. Go ahead and play. I'll see you again. JAMIE : Okay. Bye, grandpa. DAN : Bye, buddy... (Jamie starts leaving) DAN : Hey... remember, our secret. (Jamie goes playing, another child passes by Dan) DAN : Hey, kid. You see that little boy? You mess with him, you answer to me. You hear me? All right, pass it around. MARRIAGE COUNSELOR'S OFFICE COUNSELOR : Let's talk a little more about basketball, Nathan. I find it interesting that when you describe yourselves, you describe being parents and spouses and siblings and friends. But, Nathan, you never once described yourself as a basketball player. NATHAN : That's because I'm not anymore. COUNSELOR : Why not? NATHAN : That's what happens when your spine gets crushed. COUNSELOR : And the doctors definitively said you couldn't play? NATHAN : There's no such thing as definitively, but nobody's ever come back from something like this before. COUNSELOR : But you're Nathan Scott. NATHAN : I'm not that Nathan Scott. COUNSELOR : And, Haley, you never refer to yourself as a musician. HALEY : Yeah. Well, I haven't recorded in a really long time. COUNSELOR : Why not? HALEY : I had a son to raise, and Nathan's accident. COUNSELOR : And now? HALEY : And now I still have a son to raise because I haven't found a really unattractive nanny yet. COUNSELOR : Look, I'm only as intelligent as the diplomas on my wall, but here's a thought. Maybe you aren't the people you fell in love with because neither of you is trying to be the people you fell in love with. BROOKE AND PEYTON'S HOUSE Brooke's phone vibrates again. She hangs up. SOCIAL WORKER : Do you think you're ready to be a mother, Brooke? BROOKE : Yes, I do. SOCIAL WORKER : Why? BROOKE : Because... sometimes all a child needs to succeed is love... love from a parent who can provide a stable and caring environment, and I can do that. SOCIAL WORKER :And was your home life safe and caring? BROOKE : No. SOCIAL WORKER :Do you think you'll ever get married? BROOKE : I don't know. If I met the right person, I suppose I would. SOCIAL WORKER : But you haven't met the right person yet. Owen the bartender? BROOKE : Bar manager. SOCIAL WORKER : Chase Adams, or Lucas Scott? PEYTON'S OFFICE Peyton is sitting at her desk and Max is sitting in front of her, like in the beginning of the episode PEYTON : Why'd you close the store? MAX : How long you been home? PEYTON : A few months. MAX : And have you heard any new music? PEYTON : Yeah, a lot. MAX : Didn't get it at my store, did you? PEYTON : Okay, I see. It's my fault. MAX : No, it's no one's fault. I buy all my music online, too. That's just the way it is. PEYTON : Yeah, but the store really was a lot more than that. MAX : I hope so. I'd like to think it had something to do with this cool new record label. This place is really awesome. It's like the Batcave in here. Tell me you fight crime at night, like, secretly, in a leather cat suit. PEYTON : Oh, my God! Max, you are the guy that lives at home, huh? (There is a blank) MAX : You think about him much? Lucas? PEYTON : Every day. BROOKE AND PEYTON'S HOUSE BROOKE : I don't understand what Lucas Scott has to do with my decision to adopt. SOCIAL WORKER : You said Peyton was a mess because the boy she loves recently almost married someone else. You also had a relationship with him. BROOKE : Oh, we dated in high school. So what? SOCIAL WORKER : So, Lucas Scott falls in love with someone else, Peyton hits the bar, and you decide to find love elsewhere. BROOKE : By adopting? Look, I want to say this as politely as possible, but that logic is awfully cynical, not to mention completely wrong. SOCIAL WORKER : It's just the timing seems a little questionable. BROOKE : I've been thinking about having a child since before I moved back to Tree Hill. And I know that I'm young. But I explained to you I have an accelerated life. And on average, most women have their first child at the age of 25. I looked it up. SOCIAL WORKER : Okay. Let's move on. Any drug use? BROOKE : I don't use drugs. SOCIAL WORKER : But in high school, didn't you run a campaign based on partying and promiscuity? I think this was around the time you were arrested for shoplifting. BROOKE : I am not who I was in high school. SOCIAL WORKER :And you recently housed a drug addict named Rachel Gatina. BROOKE : I would never let my child do drugs. And I can't say that I know where you're getting all this information, but I don't know how it affects my ability to be a good... You spoke to my mother. ANDY'S BOAT ANDY : Have you spoken with Peyton? (Lucas shakes his head) ANDY : Not since the wedding? LUCAS : No. Jamie went missing. Then I had to deal with Dan, and then we left. ANDY : And the book, this whole comet business that Lindsey was going on about at the altar? LUCAS : So Peyton drives a frickin' Comet. What the hell? Thank God the guy in the book didn't see a white Bronco. They'd all say I'm in love with O.J. Man. ANDY : What kind of car does Lindsey drive? LUCAS : Oh, that's not fair. BROOKE AND PEYTON'S HOUSE BROOKE : It is not fair that you spoke with my mother. SOCIAL WORKER : We always speak with applicants' families. BROOKE : I understand that, but did mine tell you that she was just let go from my company? SOCIAL WORKER : Yes, she did. BROOKE : Sour grapes, don't you think? SOCIAL WORKER :I think it's got to be pretty busy for you in the absence of your C.E.O. BROOKE : I'm really not that busy. (Brooke's phone vibrates again) SOCIAL WORKER : That's 17, by the way. That's 17 phone calls this afternoon. BROOKE : A lot of them are e-mails. SOCIAL WORKER : Brooke, we ask our adoptive families to take at least six months off to smooth the transition for the new children. It's much easier in a two-parent household. BROOKE : Were you from a two-parent household? SOCIAL WORKER : My parents were divorced when I was 12. BROOKE : I'm sorry to hear that. But some of the best people that I know are from single-parent households. SOCIAL WORKER : Are you from a two-parent household? BROOKE : Something tells me you already know the answer to that. SOCIAL WORKER : I'd like to hear it from you. BROOKE : I'm from a no-parent household. My father cared a lot more about his golf score than he ever did about me, and my mom went heavy on the scotch and Prada. The good news is that thanks to them, I know exactly what kind of parent I won't be. MARRIAGE COUNSELOR'S OFFICE HALEY : I won't be an absentee parent. If I have to sacrifice some things, then so be it. COUNSELOR : That's noble, Haley. But it also might be part of the problem. You both have individual passions, individual gifts, individual dreams. And you should, especially at your age. Maybe if you spent a little more time being selfish 22-year-olds, you might love yourself a bit more and resent each other a bit less. NATHAN : I don't resent Haley or Jamie. I mean, they're the two best things that ever happened to me. HALEY : Yeah. I agree with that. We're the best things that ever happened to him. ((They laugh) HALEY : No, I agree that Nathan and Jamie are the best and most important things that I have. COUNSELOR : What about music? I asked Nathan this before. What was it like, hearing the cheers of enthusiastic, sold-out crowds every night? HALEY : Incredible. It was humbling and wonderful. COUNSELOR : But it took you away from Nathan. HALEY : Yeah, we really struggled then. I'm not avoiding music now because I'm afraid that that's gonna happen again. COUNSELOR : Good. Leaving Jamie out of all this, would you say those were your best days, where you were happiest with yourself? HALEY : I wasn't proud of myself, because I knew Nathan was hurting. But personally, I guess I loved it, yeah. COUNSELOR : What about you, Nathan? Best days ever... playing basketball in front of thousands? NATHAN : The road trips sucked because I was away from Haley and Jamie, but for me... yeah. COUNSELOR : If you could have those days back, do you think you might do things differently... maybe treat each other a bit differently in the face of those dreams? NATHAN : Yeah. HALEY : Definitely. COUNSELOR : Maybe you can. Maybe you will. (Nathan takes Haley's hand) PEYTON'S OFFICE PEYTON : I wish I could change some of the things about how I've acted in the last couple months. I guess I'm just disappointed in myself. You know, I told Lucas that if he loved his fianc e, then I would learn to be okay with that because I wanted him to be happy. But really, I just wanted us to be happy... me and him. Oh, and then when he didn't marry her, I mean, I felt terrible for her and for him, you know? His heart is breaking right now, and I come in here, and I sit in silence and hear the echoes of who we used to be. And so I wish for patience... and grace... and the strength to just let him be happy. And mostly, I pray for the strength to not make his life worse 'cause of what I want. That's the toughest part... letting go, you know? And that's the part of grace that really sucks. INSIDE JAMIE'S CLASSROOM Jamie is holding Chester, and speaks in front of all his class. JAMIE : Today for show and tell, I brought my bunny, Chester. Chester's my best friend ever. My nanny Carrie used to be my best friend, but she tried to put stuff in my hair and take me away. Now I guess it's a tie between my uncle Skills, my aunt Brooke, and Chester... Oh, and my grandpa Dan. He brought me home. POLICE'S OFFICE Dan is still in the office of his case manager, Sam DAN : You know how I got this scar, Sam? I was helping my son Nathan. You see, family is important to me. SAM : And didn't you go to prison for killing your brother? DAN : I've changed. SAM : Come on, people don't change. Take it from me... most of the people who walk through that door walk right back into prison within a year's time. DAN : That's not gonna happen to me. SAM : Well, we'll see about that. (Dan starts leaving) SAM : Scott. (Sam shows him the envelope) SAM : I can't keep this. DAN : My debt to society is square. Donate it to charity... evil for good, right? Nice talk, Sammy. BROOKE AND PEYTON'S HOUSE Brooke is watching a picture of her with Jamie BROOKE : This wasn't a good talk, was it? I mean, I didn't pass, did I? You're not gonna recommend me? (The lady is packing her stuff) SOCIAL WORKER : No, I am not going to recommend you for adoption, Brooke. I'm sorry. But the truth is, is you are very young and you're single. And I can't remember another case where an applicant's mother said she'd make a terrible candidate. BROOKE : Well, it's too bad nobody interviewed her before she had a kid, right? SOCIAL WORKER : I'm sorry we can't help you. (The lady starts leaving) BROOKE : You're not sorry. But you should be. Do you know what my mother said to me when I told her I wanted to start a company? She said, "your chances are one in a million." And I said, "maybe I'm that one." And she said, "you're not." And she was wrong. And whatever she thought she saw in me was wrong... because I am one in a million. And there is a child out there who has something so special inside of them but whose life is miserable because they think that nobody wants them. And I could be a great mother to that child, no matter their age or race or s*x. I could help them find what makes them special. And if you can't see that, then you're wrong... just like my mother. Why don't you go ahead and write that down? (The social worker leaves) ANDY'S BOAT Lucas is sitting alone, Lily comes to see him LILY : Where's mama? LUCAS : Hey, sleepyhead. She'll be back soon. How'd you sleep? LILY : I had a dream about daddy. LUCAS : Oh, yeah? LILY : And you were there. And you were sad. But daddy said everything's gonna be okay. PEYTON'S OFFICE PEYTON : It's all gonna be okay. I know that. It's just some days are kind of messy, you know? MAX : Well, it's only life, at least according to Mia Catalano. You ever wonder where she'd be if you didn't decide to start this label? PEYTON : She would be fine. MAX : Maybe not. You changed her life, Peyton. So maybe that's why you came home... in order to change the life of the next artist or the one after that... maybe change your own life at the same time. I think you're good here. You just need a little patience. PEYTON : Patience. Time heals old wounds, huh? MAX : Time, music. Let me ask you something. When's the last time you got in that cool car of yours, turned up the stereo, and just drove? You might try that sometime... maybe find something there to heal that broken heart of yours. Then again, I am... PEYTON : 36 and still living at home? Yeah. MAX : So what the hell do I know, right? PEYTON : Thanks. MARRIAGE COUNSELOR'S OFFICE COUNSELOR : Now, we're nearly out of time, so let's end this session as we have every week. Haley, tell me some things you love about Nathan. I love that he's here with me every week without fail. And I love that he holds himself accountable for his mistakes. And I love that he's so protective over me and Jamie. And I love that shirt that he's wearing... and maybe the way he wears it. COUNSELOR : Nathan? (End of timer session rings) HALEY : It's okay, really. I'm not that great at taking a compliment. COUNSELOR : Oh, well, we'll be working on that next week, then. (They start leaving) COUNSELOR : You two are going to be okay. I really think so. HALEY : Thanks. (They leave) LINDSEY'S OFFICE Lindsey enters her office and finds Lucas LINDSEY : Can you pick up line one for me, please? LUCAS : Hi. Later, both sit LUCAS : Well, I've been traveling with my mom since... LINDSEY : Yeah, I talked to Haley. I'm glad Jamie's okay. LUCAS : Yeah. Look, I know I owe you this, (He put his transcript on her desk) LUCAS : ... but I'm not gonna publish it. LINDSEY : Luke LUCAS : Look, I know you promised your boss a second book out of me, but I can't. LINDSEY : You have to. They'll void your deal. They'll make you pay back your advance. And on top of that, it's too good not to publish. LUCAS : I miss you. I do. Lindsey, I love you. Every day I wake up, and I have this ache in my chest. And sometimes I just sleep in because I know when I wake up, you're not gonna be there. LINDSEY : I love you, too, Luke. You know that. But I can't be with you. LUCAS : It's okay. I'll publish the book if you edit it. LINDSEY : Luke. LUCAS : That's it. That's my offer. There'll be long nights, heated arguments. It'll be like we're married. LINDSEY : I'll edit the book because I believe in it. And I believe in you. But we can't be together. LUCAS : We will be. One of these days, you're gonna wake up, you'll feel that same need in your heart, and you're gonna realize how much I love you. And whenever that day is, I'll still be waiting for you. And you'll come home to me. OUTSIDE JAMIE'S SCHOOL Brooke came to pick him up. BROOKE : Hi, buddy. (She holds him and starts crying. Dan is watching them) NATHAN AND HALEY'S BEDROOM Haley enters the room, followed by Nathan NATHAN : Quiet around here without Jamie. HALEY : Yeah. He's with Brooke. Baby steps. NATHAN : Yeah. How you sleeping these days? HALEY : So-so. Jamie tosses around like a tasmanian devil. NATHAN : He should probably get back to his own bed soon... separation thing. Or he can sleep in the spare bedroom with me. You know, sometimes I find your goodness staggering. I didn't get a chance to tell you in the session, but your kindness is overwhelming, Haley. I mean, you saved my life. If I haven't said it lately, you're also sexy as hell. (After a blank, Nathan starts leaving) HALEY : Hey... I was thinking... not sleeping in this bed might not be so bad tonight if you wanted to try it with me. (Nathan comes to kiss her, grabs her and takes her to the bed) HALEY : You got any more of that sexy talk? NATHAN : What, the kindness stuff or the sexy stuff? HALEY : The sexy. NATHAN : You have a serious ass, Haley James. (They start making out) HALEY (voiceover) : Make a wish and place it in your heart. PEYTON (voiceover) : Anything you want.. everything you want. LUCAS (voiceover): Do you have it? Good. Now believe it can come true. You never know where the next miracle is gonna come from, the next smile, the next wish come true. PEYTON (voiceover): But if you believe that it's right around the corner... and you open your heart and mind to the possibility of it, to the certainty of it... BROOKE (voiceover): You just might get the thing you're wishing for. NATHAN (voiceover): The world is full of magic. You just have to believe in it. So make your wish. Do you have it? HALEY (voiceover): Good. Now believe in it... with all your heart.

Lucas deals with being left at the altar by Lindsey, while Nathan and Haley deal with the repercussions of Jamie's abduction. Brooke is haunted by her past as she considers adopting, while Peyton gets a visit from an old friend.[27] This episode is named after an album by Foo Fighters .

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Scene 1: At the police station; in jail - Jason, Rene, Sookie, Andy Jason: You know that old leather jacket I wear sometimes? The brown one? Well, make sure it goes to Hoyt. I told him it was lucky. It ain't. But he don't know that. Sookie will get the house, my bank account. But I want you to have my truck. Rene: Really? Jason: You've been a good friend, Rene. Rene: Hell, thanks, men. I'm giving it back, though, soon as they let you go. Jason: They ain't never letting me go, Rene. There's something inside of me that's just... it's wrong. Rene: Oh, come on, now. Ain't like you went and killed a bunch of innocent women. Jason: What? Rene: They were fangbangers. If you hadn't done it, it was just a matter of time... Jason: You calling my grandma a fangbanger? Rene: No. Now, don't you get your back all up, you. I'm just saying you must have had your reasons, that's all. Jason: There ain't no good reason for what I did. Rene: Man, suppose you're right. Sookie (to a policeman): I'm going in, whether you like it or not. He's my brother. Policeman: He's only allowed one visitor at a time. Sookie: Either let me by or throw me in there with him, but I'm gonna see my brother. She goes in front of the jail door. Sookie: Jason. Jason: I'm sorry, Sookie. I'm so sorry. Sookie: You have nothing to be sorry for. I just wish I got here before you confessed to something you didn't do. Jason: I don't even remember doing any of it. I just know I did. Sookie: Jason, you need to shut up, okay? Because I'm real close to finding out who the real killer is. Credit It continues with Sookie talking to Jason, and Rene looking and listening at them. Sookie: His name's Drew Marshall. He head a sister named Cindy, and I think he killed her. Strangled her just like Maudette and Dawn and Amy. Rene voice off: If she knows all this then how come she hasn't gone to the cops? Sookie (to Rene): I tried that. So far the cops have done diddlysquat to protect me and my family. Besides, I don't have evidence. I don't even know what Drew Marshall looks like. Rene: So you can't really be sure he's the killer. Sookie: I've seen what's inside his head. Rene voice off: I never believed that about her, but it's true. There's all kinds of strangeness in this world. Jason: Sookie, I know you wanna help me but that's only because you can't accept the truth. I'm a murderer, and I'm going to hell plain and simple. Sookie: You aren't hearing me. I think I know who the killer is. All we gotta do is find him. Jason: Andy. Sookie: Listen to me. Don't be stupid. Jason: Andy! Andy (arriving): What's your problem? Jason: Make her go away. Andy: Am I your f****** butler? Amy: Jason. Jason: Please, just get her out of here. Andy: All right, you heard him. Zoo's closed. Jason: Did you get the fax from the Bunkie police about Drew Marshall the man who's probably the real killer? Andy: Never heard of no fax from no Bunkie P.D. or Drew whoever but I'll tell you one thing: The real killer is right there where he belongs. Sookie: You are one hell of a sorry excuse for a cop and a human being, Andy Bellefleur. And it's just a matter of time before everyone knows it. Sookie leaves. Scene 2: Maryann's house - Tara, Maryann, Carl Tara wakes up in a big bed, in her room, at Maryann's house. She goes outside. Carl serves the breakfast. Tara: Hi, I'm Tara. Tara takes a seat and Maryann arrives. Maryann: Oh, good morning. Tara: Good morning. Maryann: Thought you might be hungry. Tara: Okay, this isn't food. This is a sculpture. And this place... You're not really just a social worker are you? Maryann: I'm a lot of things, just like you. Coffee? Tara: Sure. Maryann: I mean, you're not just a drunk-driving bartender, are you? You're also intelligent, resourceful, strong. A survivor. Tara: I don't feel like any of those things right now. I didn't just wreck my car, I totaled my whole life. All of it. Maryann: Well, I suppose that's one way of looking at it. Personally, I see your situation as an opportunity. Tara: I just got a fake exorcism and a DUI. I probably lost my job, all of my friends and my mother disowned me. I'm sorry, but I don't get how that's an opportunity. Maryann: Maybe life has just cleared out all the things that weren't working for you. Now you've got room to rebuild decide exactly what you want your life to look like and make that happen. What do you want, Tara? What do you want your life to be? Tara: I don't know. I guess I've never really let myself want anything. Maryann: Oh, that breaks my heart. Tara: Yeah, well, there are people a lot worse off than me, I'm sure. I should probably let you get back to helping them instead of watching me cry all over your nice breakfast. I appreciate everything you've done for me. And I promise to pay back the bail as soon as I can... Maryann: Tara, sit down. You haven't touched your food, your dress isn't dry and I think we both know you've got nowhere to go. Please. I know it's hard for you to trust me, but I really do just wanna help. Even if that means just giving you a place to stay until you figure things out. Tara: Why would you do that? Maryann: Because it's what I do. It's what I want my life to be, helping people. Not because I feel sorry for you and not because I want anything back from you. Tara: Then why? Maryann: Because you deserve a chance. And I'm in a position to give you one. Carl is doing Tara's bed. Her phone rings; it's Sam. Carl puts the phone in his pocket. Scene 3: Sam's office - Sam, Sookie Sam (on the phone, leaving Tara a message): Fine, you wanna end this? That's fine. The least you could do is call and tell me where you are so I can stop worrying about you. (Sookie comes in) Thanks a lot. I'll talk to you later. Bye. (To Sookie) Sookie, what are you doing here? Sookie: I've got the lunch shift. Sam: Yeah, but with everything going on with Jason, I figured you'd take the day off. Sookie: I'm not staying home and hiding, having people think I'm ashamed of my brother. Besides, I'm gonna need all the money I can get to hire a private investigator. Drew Marshall is in town. Who knows how many times he's sat in one of these booths, looks me right in the eye, and ordered a burger and fries? Sam: Wouldn't you have heard him? Sookie: Wouldn't you have smelled him? I ain't a shortwave radio. I spend most of my time trying not to listen to people. Sam: Sorry, I didn't mean... Sookie: It's okay. I'd better start my prep. Scene 4: In jail - Jason, a policeman, a man (Orry Dawson) Policeman: You only have five minutes with him. Five minutes. Man: Mr. Stackhouse? Jason: Yeah? Man: My name is Orry Dawson. Jason: Oh, I told them I don't need no lawyer. Orry: I'm not a lawyer. I'm here on behalf of the Fellowship of the Sun. Jason: What, that anti-vampire church? Orry: We are a religious organization dedicated to the preservation and salvation of the human race. Jason: Oh, good, because I thought you just hated vampires. And I used to, but then I got to know one and he was a pretty decent guy. Until I got him killed. Orry: You see, that's where you're wrong. What you did, it was a service to your race and to Jesus. And you should be proud of that. Jason: Yeah. Orry: You know, last year there were over 800 reported vampire-related attacks in Louisiana alone, and the raw won't do nothing about it. They are too busy respecting those fiends and their civil rights. Well, what about our rights? Our rights to be safe on our own neighborhoods, our rights to our own blood. Jason: I don't know nothing about that. Orry: Look... officially the Church can't condone what you did. You took the lives of four women, women who had tainted themselves and their race but still, human women. Hey. But we do recognize that even though your methods may have been flawed, your intentions were pure. Jason: I got no idea what you're talking about. Orry: That's smart. Don't admit to anything. The Church has started up a fund fir your defense. In the meantime (he gives Jason a prospectus) here's something to help you pass the time. You are a brave soldier, Jason Stackhouse. Jason: Okay. Orry: God lives you. You will be saved. Scene 5: Maryann's - Tara, Eggs Tara goes swimming in the pool. She comes in the house and listens someone playing guitar. Tara: I didn't mean to interrupt you. I was looking for Maryann. Man: She'll be right back. You must be Tara. Come on in. I'm Eggs. Tara: Eggs? Eggs: Yeah, well, it's actually Benedict. Benedict Talley, so... Tara: Eggs Benedict. Eggs: Yeah. Tara: Oh, s***. I'm sorry, I shouldn't have laughed. My name's screwed up too. Eggs: Tara's a pretty name. Suits you. Tara: Maryann didn't tell me she had a boyfriend. Eggs: Oh, no, no, no. I'm just staying here till I get back on my feet, jut like you. Tara: So collecting stray black people, that some kind of hobby of hers? Eggs: She was right about you, you are funny. Tara: Oh, yeah? What else she tell you about me? Eggs: Oh, she said you crashed your car with a gallon of whiskey in your lap. Tara: Yeah. It was vodka. Really cheap vodka. Eggs: Hey, I'm not judging you, believe me. When Maryann found me, I was... well, let's just say I was a hell of a lot worse off than you. She's a miracle worker. You'll see. Tara: Yeah, well, I won't be sticking around that long. Eggs: That's too bad. Tara: Well... my mama when she thought something was too good to be true she's say, "Satan in a Sunday hat". That's exactly what this is. Eggs: You know, it took me a long time to stop looking over my shoulder too. But there are good people in this world. Sometimes good d*** happens. He plays guitar. Scene 6: Merlotte's - Rene, Andy, Sookie, Bud, Rosie, Sam Rene is in his car, singing. He leaves his home and goes to Merlotte's. Andy: Treating him like he don't remember doing it, like he had amnesia or something. Rene: Hey, Sookie. Andy: He knows. Sookie: Hey. Andy: I ain't buying it. Sookie (to her clients): Holler of y'all need anything, okay? Andy: He's just sitting there, looking like a dog that lost his bone. And then he says: "I did it. I killed those women. You were right all along." Bud: He didn't exactly say that. Andy: Should've seen the look in his eyes. Ice-cold, like he was talking about roadkill. Bud: Excuse me. Bud leaves. Rosie: Well, thank God you got him, Detective Bellefleur. Can I buy you a beer, show my appreciation? Andy: That's alright, Rosie, I was just doing my job. Man voice off: Whole family full of freaks and killers. Woman voice off: Ought to be ashamed to show her face after what her brother did. Other man voice off: Sleazy little man-s*** Jason Stackhouse, a goddamn murderer. Other man voice off: I'd pay good money to watch that boy fry. Other woman voice off: He was so cute for a murderer. Wonder why he never hit on me. Guess I'm lucky. Other woman voice off: She knew about him all along. Sam comes to Sookie. Sam: Hey, what's going on? Sookie: You're right, I shouldn't have come in today. Sam: Go to my trailer and lie down. Sookie: I need to get out of here. Sam: Sookie, it's not safe. Sookie: I'm just gonna drive around. I'll keep my doors locked. I won't even get out of the car. Sam: No, Sookie. Sookie: I need some time alone. I'm... I gotta get these thoughts out of my head. Sam: All right. All right, all right. Yeah. I got your tables. Sookie: Thank you, Sam. For everything. Man voice off: I don't wanna go to the can right now. I'm gonna see where this goes. Scene 7: In the parking of the Merlotte's - Sookie, Rene, Terry Sookie is in her car. It doesn't turn on. Sookie: Please, Jesus, don't do this to me. Shoot! Darn it! Son of a mother... Fudge! Rene: Sookie. Everything all right? Sookie: Just a little car trouble, that's all. Rene: Want me to take a look? (After some time) Well, don't tell nobody, but I don't know much about cars. Sorry. Sookie: Thanks for trying. I guess I should call a tow. Rene: Well, why don't you let me give you a ride home. I'll get my buddy Hank down at Auto Haven to take a look on my way back. Sookie: I can't be alone. Rene: Course you can't. How about I give you a ride, stay with you till Sam gets off? Sookie: I couldn't put you out like that. Rene: No, no, no. Your brother's been real good friend to me. Least I could do. Sookie: That's so kind of you, Rene. Terry: Hey, Sookie, Rene. I just wanna say, I told Andy, I've known killers, and Jason ain't one. Sookie: Thank you, Terry. Terry: Nobody ever listens to me. But they should. He goes. Rene: Ready? Scene 8: In Rene's car - Rene, Sookie Sookie: I can't believe Jason gave you his truck. He lives this truck. Rene: I know, right? I tried talking him out of it. He wasn't hearing it, though. Buckle up, now. Sookie: Thanks. Rene: Is it really true? You can hear what I'm thinking right now? Rene voice off: What do I think about? Think about nothing, nothing, nothing. Think about nothing. Sookie: Don't bother. Thinking about nothing ain't possible. Trust me, everyone's tried it around me. Sooner or later, you'll think about something. You know, what's kind of funny is that your thoughts don't have an accent. Rene: That must be hard on you, living with that. Sookie: It is hard, sometimes. You have no idea how sick and twisted some people are. Rene: Oh, Lord, I can believe that. Yes, ma'am. Sookie: It's one thing when they think horrible stuff about me. I mean, I'm kind of used to it. But, well, when it's about my brother... he's all I've got left. I mean, I've lost everyone. He gives her a Kleenex. Sookie: Thanks. Rene: You know, I've lost people too. It don't ever get ant easier but you find ways to cope. Scene 9: Arlene's house - Arlene, her two kids The kids are in the saloon, watching a video. It's Maudette and Malcolm's video s*x tape. Arlene: Coby, Lisa. (She comes) I thought I told you kids to take out the garbage. What the hell are you watching? Oh, my Lord. Where'd you get this? Coby. Lisa, you answer me right now. Lisa: It's Rene's. We found it in the garage. Arlene: Go to your room. Scene 10: Sookie's house - Sookie, Rene Rene: It's hotter in here than hell on a Sunday. Sookie: Yeah, Gran used to leave the windows open all day but I haven't felt safe doing that in a while. Have a sear. I'll fix us some iced teas. Rene: Sounds good. Scene 11: Merlotte's - Sam, Terry, Lafayette Lafayette cleans the tables. Lafayette: These f******' palates are as backwoods as their brains. Sam, Rene left his vest. Sam: Put it in lost and found. Sam smells the vest. Flash back: Sam is on his bed and smells the blanket. End flash back. He runs outside. Sam (To Terry): Hey, where's Sookie? Did you see her? Terry: Yep. Sam: Where'd she go? Terry: She left with Rene about 20, 23 minutes ago. Sam leaves, running. Scene 12: Sookie's house - Sookie, Rene, Bill, Sam, Tara, Lafayette, Arlene Sookie is in the kitchen, preparing the iced teas. Sookie (loud): Rene, you take it sweet? Rene: Yes, ma'am. He's surprises her, being in the kitchen. Sookie: You scared me. Rene: Did I? Sorry about that. Rene voice off: Don't think about it. Blood, blood, blood. So much. She wasn't supposed to be here. Shut up! Flash back. Adele is in the kitchen when Rene comes in. Adele: Rene? Rene: How come Sookie ain't here? He kills her with a knife. Rene: You weren't supposed to be here. End flash back. Rene: Sookie. You all right? Sookie: I'm so jumpy these days. Rene: Let me help you with that. Sookie: No. I'm gonna go get a mop. She goes in the saloon and he follows her. She takes the shut gun. Rene: What do you think you're doing? Sookie: Stay away. Rene: You're not gonna shoot me. (She tries) Told you. Rene voice off: She deserves it, needs it, wants to die. That's why she f**** them fangers. She beats him with the gun and runs out. Rene: F***. Goddamn it! He runs after her. Rene: Get back here, you f****** b****! Sookie sees in Rene's mind, when he killed his sister. Cindy: Dang it. Rene: Ain't nothing that'll cover what you done. Cindy: You watching me now? You freak. End of the vision. Rene: Sookie! In Rene's vision: Rene: But you're the freak, Cindy. You're the damn freak. F****** freak. F***! Spread your legs for a dead man? Mama would roll in her grave. Cindy: Get the f*** out of here. End of the vision. Rene: Sookie! Sookie, I'm gonna get you, you b****! In Rene's vision: Cindy: No, no. What are you doing? Get away from me! No! He strangles his sister. Rene: Get out! F***! End of the vision. Rene: I can feel you in my head. In Rene's vision: Maudette: I thought you were Jason. He strangles her. Now he kills Dawn. Rene (while killing her): Die, fang-f*****! He remembers when he kills Amy. End of the visions. Rene: Stay the f*** out of my head! F***! Sookie continues to run in the woods. She's now in the cemetery. Bill wakes up. Sam arrives at Sookie's house. Sam: Sookie! Sookie! He sees Rene's belt and blood on the floor. He runs and goes in the woods. Bill goes out too. Rene: Sookie. Come in, Sookie, let's be... let's be friends. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to scare you. Sookie, I was just playing. Sookie? Seriously, I was just kidding. Rene voice off: You f****** hear me, you filthy f****** c**t? I'm gonna tear out your goddamn throat with my hands and f*** your dead face. S***. Goddamn it, I must have lost her. Could be hiding in the woods. I'd better go back and check. S***. Sookie gets out of her hiding place, and Rene's behind her. He beats her. Rene: Mind-reading, vampire-f****** freak b****! He begins to strangle her. Bill is walking. Rene: You think you're so smart? You smart now? A dog (Sam) comes and bits Rene. Rene beats the dog. Rene: F****** with me. The dog transforms in Sam. Rene: F***. (He beats him) What the f*** are you? What the f***? Bill is now in the cemetery. Bill: Sookie. Sookie wakes up. Rene: F*** you, you f****** freak f***! F****** sick f***. Die, you f****** freak of nature! Die. Before Rene could kill Sam, Sookie betas him on the head. Rene (to Sookie): F****** b****. She kills him. Sam comes behind her. Sam: Sookie. She sees Bill, on the ground, burning. She goes to him. Bill: I am sorry. Sookie (crying): No. No, Bill, please. Sam: We gotta get him out of the light. Sam buries Bill in Sookie's hiding place. Sookie is on the sofa. She wakes up. Tara: Sookie? Sookie: Tara. You look so pretty. Like someone turned a light on under your skin. Sam: Hospital gave her pain meds. She's a little loopy. Tara: Didn't you listen when I said I'd lose my s*** if anything ever happened to you? Sookie: Don't loose your s***. I'm fine. Did Sam tell you that he saved my life? He turned into a dog and bit Rene. Lafayette: Oh, s***. I'm gonna need some of them drugs they gave you. Sam: Hey, you guys, we should let her rest. Sookie: Sam... you need to let people see the real you because you're kind and brave. There's nothing there not to love. Sam: Right back at you. Arlene comes. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene 13: The police station - Andy, Bud, Jason Bud (on the phone): All right, then. Thanks. (He hangs up. To Andy) DA's dropping the charges. Andy: No. no f****** way. He confessed. Bud: The marks on Amy Burley's neck match Rene's belt. Or Drew Marshall. Whatever the hell his name is, he near about put Sookie in a body bag. We got no reason to hold Stackhouse. Andy: That's horses***! Bud: Get ahold of yourself, Andy. I don't need you screwing things up worse. Andy: So, what, we're just gonna let him go? Bud: Not "we". You brought him in. you let him go. Right now, Andy. Andy goes to let go Jason. Jason: Oh, hey, Andy. Is there some way I can get a magazine? This s***'s putting me to sleep. What are you doing? Andy: Get out of here. Jason: What? Andy: You heard me, get the f*** out of here. Jason: Is this some kind of trick or something? Andy: No, you stupid s***. It ain't a trick. It's a f****** miracle. Scene 14: Sookie's house - Sookie, Arlene, Lafayette, Tara, Sam, Maryann, Jason Arlene: Oh, sweet Jesus, please forgive me. I had no ideas, Sookie, I swear. Sookie: Course you didn't. Arlene: I brought him around my kids. I slept in the bed with him every night, and all that time it was nothing but lies. I mean, his name, his accent... God, you think you know someone. How could I not know? Sookie: None if us did. Don't blame yourself, honey. Arlene: I can't help it. I told you to stay out of my thoughts. Isn't that why you didn't listen in on Rene? Sookie: It's like he kept that part of himself locked away in some dark corner of his mind. Arlene: Oh, God. Sookie. I'm so sorry. I want you to promise me something, okay? Sookie: Okay. Arlene: Someday, if I ever find another man, I want you to look inside his head and tell me everything that's in there. Sookie: Arlene, it doesn't really work that way. Arlene: Just promise me, okay? Because I have the worst taste in men. Is Bill gonna be okay? Sookie: I don't think so. No. Arlene: Oh, honey. Oh, sweet baby. Tara, Lafayette and Sam are outside. Lafayette: Well, I'm gonna head on over the bar. Make sure Terry ain't PTSD'ind all over my clam chowder. Sam: Hey, thanks, Lafayette. Appreciate you holding down the fort. Lafayette: Oh, no worries, boyfriend. I'm gonna hit your ass up for a raise as soon as they pull them stitches out your forehead. (To Tara) Call me later, T. Lafayette leaves. Sam: Where have you been? I left you like five messages. Tara: I didn't get any messages. Sam: What? Tara: Look, we don't have to talk about this now. Sookie almost died. And she would have if you hadn't have been there so I'm glad you were, okay? Sam: Yeah. I was worried about you. Tara: I'm sure you were. You worry about everybody. Because Sookie's right, you're an amazing guy. You deserve to get everything you want. And so do I. Maryann arrives in her car. Sam: What does that mean? Sam: Take care of her. Sam: Wait, Tara... Tara: Maryann, this is my friend Sam. Sam, this is Maryann. Maryann: Sam, it's so nice to meet you. (To Tara) You ready to go? Tara gets in the car. Sam: What the hell are you doing here? Maryann: Did you think I wasn't gonna find you? You silly, silly dog. Arlene: I should've known. Because there were things he liked to do in bed that no normal man ever does. Jason arrives. Sookie: Jason. Jason: I've never been happier to see you in my life. Sookie: That's nice, but, sweetie, I'm black and blue all over and you're squeezing me. Jason: Oh, sorry. S***. Look what that son of a b**** did to you. I can't believe I gave him my truck. If he was still alive right now, I'd f****** kill him again. Arlene: Excuse me. She leaves, crying. Jason: Me and my mouth. Sookie: She'll be all right. Eventually. Jason: You know, I was sitting in that jail and I just kept thinking about all the stupid stuff I'd done. Sookie: That must have kept you busy. Jason: And I know it seems like all I ever think is myself and drinking and chasing women. But that's only because I thought that's all I was good at. Sookie: That's not true. You were good at football. Jason: Not good enough for a scholarship. I ain't never been good enough for anything or anybody. Well, except maybe Amy. But she's gone, so... so I was in there, waiting to die too and I realized my life wasn't worth nothing. I've never done nothing worth being proud of. All I could think to do was to end it. Sookie: Jason... Jason: No, it's okay, because then something happened. Sook, I was saved. I was given a second chance. And now I know that all this bad stuff that happened, it happened for a reason. Sookie: What's that? Jason: I ain't sure yet, but I do know I'm meant to do something important with my life. And as soon as I find out what that is, I ain't gonna f*** it up. Sookie: That's good, I guess. Jason: Yeah. I love you, Sook. And I'm gonna take good care of you from now on, I promise. Sookie: How about you just take care of yourself and stay out of trouble. Jason: No, you don't have to worry about me no more. I'm good. He leaves. Scene 15: Outside the Merlotte's - Lafayette Lafayette goes outside. Lafayette: Why is all the f****** garbage on the side of the garbage can? Nasty motherf******. Got no goddamn home-training. He throws the garbage. Lafayette: You motherf****** s***. Oh my God. Scene 16: Sookie's house - Sookie, Bill Tv: Daddy. Oh, Daddy, I missed you. I found you, I found you. They said you were dead, but I knew you weren't. Oh, Daddy. Hold me close. You won't ever go away again, will you? The doorbell rings. Sookie opens the door; it's Bill. Sookie: You're alive. Bill: Well, technically, no. but I am healed. I fed. Sookie: Would you like to come in? Bill: Yes. He comes in. Sookie: No. Bill: Without my blood, it'll take weeks for you to heal. Sookie: I don't care. After everything, I just need to feel human right now. Bill: I failed you. Sookie: You were willing to sacrifice yourself to save me. Bill: But if I had just been... Sookie: My life is too short for all that. Two weeks later. Scene 17: Merlotte's - Sam, Sookie, Tara, Arlene, Terry Tv: Yesterday the Vermont supreme court ruled that limiting marriage between only human men and woman is unconstitutional effectively legalizing vampire marriage in the state. Courthouses still be staying open to accommodate hundreds of couples all over America. Arlene: Oh, my God, Sookie, you know what this means? Now you and Bill can get married. Sookie: Stop it, Arlene. This isn't Vermont. Besides, he hasn't asked me yet and I don't know what I'd say if he did. Sam: I think you should marry Bill. Hell, I'll even throw you a party. It won't even break the bank. All you need is a couple kegs of Tru Blood, seeing as how they don't eat or drink. Bet there's even a vampire band and vampire wedding decorations. Our Arlene's party to shame. Sookie goes. Tara (to Sam): You know, you're about as subtle as a flying brick. Maryann says if you want something you don't wait for it to come, you demand it. Sam: Do me a favor, don't quote Maryann to me. Tara: Well, excuse me for giving a damn. Sam: You heard from your cousin, by any chance? Because I'm about to give away his job. Tara: But one time Lafayette went to Marthaville for the night. He ended up go-go in Palm Beach for like eight months. Sam: Fantastic. He leaves. Tara: Okay. Arlene and Terry are at the other side of the bar. Terry: People disappear all the time, but they're never really gone. The good part of them always stay put. Arlene: I hope you're right about that, Terry. Terry: Your hair's like a sunset after a bomb went off. Pretty. Scene 18: At the church - Jason, Steve Steve: And God said, "Let there be light," and there was light. And even though we stand in darkness today, we shall not fear for God has given us the ultimate weapon, the ultimate salvation: The sun. And he has placed in front of us a daunting but righteous task. We will not falter. We will not rest until we have brought God's holy light down on each and every bloodsucking abomination. A man: Hallelujah, brother! Jason: Hallelujah! Steve: Amen. Jason: Praise Jesus! Steve: Amen. Scene 19: Merlotte's - Tara, Andy, Sookie, Hoyt Tara: Time to pack it up, Andy. Andy: My family used to own this whole damn town, the land this rat hole stands on included. Tara: You don't own this rat hole no more so I'm cutting you off. Andy: Join the club. One minute you're a hero, next you can't get a f****** drink. Tara: Well, I ain't never seen a bird fly so high it don't have to come down sometime. Andy: What's that for? Tara: It's your pity party. Only one you're getting from me, so suck it up. Andy: Thanks. Tara: Don't thank me. It's just easier for me not to hate you. Hating takes a lot of energy. I'm saving mine up for all the good s*** that's coming my way. Because I am a good person, and I deserve good s*** in my life. Andy: Yeah, yeah, put it on a bumper sticker. Sookie brings to Hoyt his Burger and fries. Hoyt: Thank you, Sookie. Hey, where's Vampire Bill at tonight? Is he out celebrating at some sort of vampire party? Sookie: Actually, we're celebrating together later. Hoyt: Well, just tell him congratulations from me. I mean, I don't care what nobody says if I met a nice vampire girl, I'd be proud to have her on my arm. Sookie: I'd love to see your mama's face if you brought her for dinner. Hoyt: Yeah, me too. You know, yeah, I mean... well, does Bill know anybody my age? Seriously. Scene 20: Bill's house - Bill, Eric, Jessica, Pam Bill is playing piano when Jessica comes. Jessica: Hi, Daddy. Eric and Pam come in too. Bill: What is this? Eric: There are favors and there are favors. Pam: She is extremely annoying. Bill: You can't do this. We had a deal. Eric: Well, now the terms have changed. She's yours. Unless you wanna give me Sookie. It's just a suggestion. Though a few nights with this one may change your mind. Pam: Good luck. Pam and Eric leave. Jessica: So who's good to eat around here? Scene 21: Merlotte's - Tara, Sookie, Andy, Sam Tara (to Sookie): He ain't listening to me. Good luck. Sookie: We're closing. Give me your keys. Andy: I ain't giving you s***, Stackhouse. Andy voice off: I'm a failure, a pathetic f****** loser and everybody knows it, just like she said. But she's real happy with herself. Sookie: It don't ever make me happy to see someone in pain. I'm gonna call your sister to come pick you up... Detective Bellefleur. Sam is in his office and he puts money in a garbage bag. Tara, Andy and Sookie are outside. Andy: Where's my car? Tara: Andy, the only thing you're driving tonight is us crazy. Sookie: Portia said she's on her way to pick you up. Give me your keys. Andy: I don't have them. Left them in the car. Right here, underneath this light. Some son of a b**** stole my car. Sookie: You sure this is where you parked it? Andy: This whole town's gone to s***. Nobody used to murdering each other, stealing cars. That's what happens when you don't let a good cop do his job. Tara: Ain't that it over there? Andy: That ain't where I parked. What the hell? He opens one of his car's doors. A black foot with red fingernail comes out. Andy: That ain't mine, I swear. Sookie and Tara scream.

Sookie explains to Jason that she believes she has found the identity of the killer who has been murdering the women in Bon Temps, but Jason has her dismissed from the jail, refusing to listen to her. Maryann continues to comfort Tara and talks with her about her problems, gaining her trust. A representative of the Fellowship of the Sun named Orry visits Jason in prison and gives him some literature about the Fellowship, and tries to convince Jason that even if he did kill the women, his motive was pure because they were all supporters of vampires. Tara meets Benedict "Eggs" Talley, another person who Maryann has taken in under the pretense of helping him rebuild his life. The two of them begin to become interested in each other. Sookie, working at Merlotte's, becomes overwhelmed with the insulting and hateful thoughts all of the townsfolk are thinking about her brother and asks Sam for permission to leave. She finds she is unable to start her car, and as she gets angrier Rene shows up and offers her a ride home. Sam finds Rene's vest and, smelling it, realizes there may be a connection to Rene and the murders. At Sookie's house, Sookie discovers that Rene was the killer by reading his mind and tries to shoot him, but Rene has emptied her gun. She runs into the cemetery with Rene following behind. Bill risks his life by emerging into the sun to try to go to Sookie's aid, but he is quickly weakened and seriously injured by the burning. Rene catches up to Sookie but as he begins beating and choking her Sam attacks him in dog form. Sookie attacks Rene with a shovel, ending in his decapitation. Sam and Sookie discover Bill, weak and burning, and quickly bury him. Later, Sookie who believes Bill dead is comforted by her friends and by Jason who has been released from prison following the discovery of the real murderer. Bill appears at her doorstep, completely healed, and the two share a tender moment. Two weeks later, Sookie and Bill are officially an item. At Merlotte's, Andy Bellefleur is upset and depressed after his failure to solve the case, and begins drinking. While cleaning outside, Lafayette is attacked by an unknown entity. Afterwards, the Merlotte's staff help Andy to his car, which he believes has been moved, and they discover a dead body on the back seat.

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THE ICE WARRIORS by Brian Hayles first broadcast - 2nd December 1967 [SCENE_BREAK] 1. ICE WARRIORS' SPACECRAFT (On the screen in their ship, the VARGA and ZONDAL watch VICTORIA contacting the base on the dead ARDEN's wrist communicator. They aim the crafts gun and prepare to fire.) ZONDAL: Ready to fire. (VARGA flicks a switch.) [SCENE_BREAK] 2. GLACIER CAVE (The gun can be seen withdrawing.) [SCENE_BREAK] 3. ICE WARRIORS' SPACECRAFT VARGA: Not yet. ZONDAL: She has betrayed us. She must be destroyed. VARGA: Let her talk first. ZONDAL: They will know our numbers. VARGA: They will also know she is alive. She is a bait. [SCENE_BREAK] 4. IONISER CONTROL ROOM (The DOCTOR and CLENT watch VICTORIA on their screen.) DOCTOR: Victoria, tell us more about the warriors. VICTORIA: Er, they're from Mars... CLENT: (Interrupting.) They're not important. Have you seen the propulsion unit of the spacecraft, girl? VICTORIA: Oh, propulsion unit? CLENT: The engines! VICTORIA: Oh yes. They're busy repairing them now. CLENT: What kind are they? It's vitally important. VICTORIA: I... I've no idea! CLENT: Well, reactor turbine? Ion jet? Anti-gravity? Think girl! DOCTOR: Can you describe them to us, Victoria dear? VICTORIA: Yes, yes I think so. CLENT: Well hurry girl! (The DOCTOR looks agitated with CLENT.) VICTORIA: Look it isn't easy. Now I have to have time to think... (The picture is replaced by static.) DOCTOR: Victoria? Victoria what's happened? Are you alright? Answer me! (VICTORIA fades back into view.) VICTORIA: I'm alright. [SCENE_BREAK] 5. GLACIER CAVE VICTORIA: It's the glacier. It's moving all the time. DOCTOR: (From the wrist communicator.) You're not hurt? (She shakes her head.) CLENT: The engines, tell us about the engines! [SCENE_BREAK] 6. ICE WARRIORS' SPACECRAFT (The ICE WARRIORS watch VICTORIA on their screen.) VARGA: She has told them enough. Bring her in. (Two warriors move off to re-capture VICTORIA.) ZONDAL: Destroy her. VARGA: You are wrong Zondal. She must answer some questions first. Why are they so interested in our engines? Why are they afraid? [SCENE_BREAK] 7. IONISER CONTROL ROOM (THE DOCTOR and CLENT continue their conversation with VICTORIA.) VICTORIA: There's... there's someone coming! DOCTOR: Victoria... Victoria. Can you see the base from where you are? VICTORIA: Yes. Yes I can. DOCTOR: Do you think you can get back to it? VICTORIA: I can give it a try. DOCTOR: Well, get in contact again as soon as you can! Good luck! [SCENE_BREAK] 8. GLACIER CAVE (VICTORIA finishes talking, and immediately sees TUROC coming through the spacecraft door. She moves into a narrow, body-width crevasse. There is a small shake, and more ice falls. She moves behind a ridge about a metre into the crevasse, and turns to see TUROC, who has not yet noticed her.) [SCENE_BREAK] 9. IONISER CONTROL ROOM DOCTOR: Yes. (He moves across the room to a machine. It has a circular screen, an old telephone-style dial, and a dispensing compartment at the bottom.) DOCTOR: This is an automatic chemical dispenser is it not? GARRETT: Yes. DOCTOR: How does it work? (CLENT follows him over.) CLENT: Well, you choose the category of the article that you want by, er, indicating it on one of these little chaps here. (THE DOCTOR does so, and it moves around so another side is facing him.) CLENT: Jolly good. And er, now you dial the precise chemical formula that you want there. DOCTOR: May I? There's something I need rather desperately. (THE DOCTOR dials two numbers on the dialer and retrieves the small plastic cup from the bottom of the machine. He peels off the cover.) CLENT: Oh, what's that? DOCTOR: Water. CLENT: Indeed. (THE DOCTOR drinks the glass.) DOCTOR: Ah, that's better. Now then, let's see. Jamie has vanished. (He dials in a number.) DOCTOR: Victoria's on her way back to the base. (Another number is dialed in.) DOCTOR: And neither of them can help us with our main problem. (He dials in the final number. A small phial is produced at the bottom of the machine. He picks it up.) DOCTOR: An exact description of the spacecrafts propulsion unit. GARRETT: That will? (She points at the phial.) DOCTOR: I will. CLENT: With the help of ammonium sulphide? DOCTOR: We know these creatures come from Mars, don't we? What do we know about their planet's atmospheric conditions? (CLENT motions for GARRETT to answer.) GARRETT: Chiefly nitrogen with virtually no oxygen or hydrogen. DOCTOR: Then they're not going to enjoy this little concoction much, are they? CLENT: What? You mean you plan to use it as a kind of... toxic gas? DOCTOR: Well, if I'm going to an alien spaceship it may come in handy. CLENT: Now don't be ridiculous. We've lost Arden already. DOCTOR: Arden fell into a trap. I know what to expect. CLENT: I, I, I refuse to allow you to go! DOCTOR: Splendid! You go instead then! GARRETT: No one can be spared! Least of all Leader Clent! DOCTOR: I can be spared. I've done all I can here. The ioniser will work without me. I'll start getting ready then. CLENT: But if anything goes wrong with the countdown! DOCTOR: Oh, you'll manage. CLENT: No! DOCTOR: It's as simple as this: someone has to get to the spacecraft, find out what sort of propulsion unit it has, and bring the information back to you! Or we can't use the ioniser! Now, who better than me? CLENT: I've come to regard you as Penley's replacement. And, um... alright, alright! But it's strictly under protest! DOCTOR: Thank you. GARRETT: How will you get the information back to us? DOCTOR: Ah. Now I don't suppose you have a, a, a, a small radio transmitter? CLENT: No, our video links are the only communicators available. Pure sound is no longer in use. DOCTOR: Oh, well you won't see me, but you'll hear me. (He goes over and CLENT gives him a wrist communicator.) DOCTOR: As soon as I get to the glacier face I'll switch it on and you'll overhear. I hope. GARRETT: Is that all you're taking? DOCTOR: Why, what else do I need? CLENT: But the Warriors are armed! DOCTOR: But I'm not going to fight a duel. GARRETT: But you must be in a position to defend yourself! (THE DOCTOR gets his fur coat off the coat hanger on the wall.) GARRETT: They'll try to kill you out of hand! DOCTOR: Oh, I don't think so. (He indicates the ammonium sulphide.) DOCTOR: This is my defence. CLENT: But how can you rely on that? They've already proved themselves to be utterly ruthless. (THE DOCTOR puts on his coat.) DOCTOR: I think they'll listen to me. GARRETT: You mean you're going to let them take you prisoner? DOCTOR: That is exactly what I'm going to do. [SCENE_BREAK] 10. GLACIERS (TUROC has spotted VICTORIA and has trapped her in the crevasse. She races off further down, and TUROC follows. She looks back and seeing nothing, thinks she has avoided him. But, TUROC moves around into view of her, and she screams. Reaching a dead end, she punches her way past a thin layer of ice, into another part of the cave, which she climbs into. She notices her wrist communicator has gone, and thinking she has evaded the ice warrior, she moves back to find it. However, she gasps as she sees him bashing his way easily through the ice. She hides behind a nearby ridge of ice, and TUROC walks straight past her. She can see the communicator on the ground right behind him, and as she reaches down to get it, TUROC turns around. He marches quickly towards her and grabs her by the wrist, just as another avalanche takes place, and the roof of the cave begins to fall down.) [SCENE_BREAK] 11. PLANT MUSEUM (PENLEY is tending over the still unconscious JAMIE, while STORR prepares the next meal.) PENLEY: I think he's gonna wake. (STORR moves over to watch.) PENLEY: Pulse isn't too good. STORR: His fever's gone. PENLEY: Well, his body is young. It will heal. STORR: Then, why you looking so worried? PENLEY: I don't know yet. The weapons they used on him - they're curious. STORR: Aye, scientifically designed, of course. PENLEY: This is no time for debates. STORR: Aye, it's easily said. I'll away and fetch a fresh drink. (JAMIE wakes up at this moment, and begins to struggle with PENLEY.) JAMIE: You'll not keep me prisoner! PENLEY: Stay still! (STORR races back.) JAMIE: No get away out of it! PENLEY: Storr! STORR: Stop fighting! JAMIE: You'll not keep me! PENLEY: We're your friends! STORR: We saved your life! JAMIE: Oh, ooh. (He clutches at his head.) JAMIE: Oh my head. Ah. (PENLEY tries to apply a sponge-like pad to his head.) JAMIE: What you doing to me? PENLEY: I'm going to try and ease your pain with this tranquiliser pad. JAMIE: I don't believe you! PENLEY: Now you must trust us. We know about your friend. We may be able to help. JAMIE: Victoria? Well where is she? PENLEY: In the alien spaceship. JAMIE: Alien? PENLEY: These warriors are not of our time. Nor of this planet. JAMIE: So, how would you know all that? STORR: Ah, because he's a scientist. He can produce an explanation for anything. JAMIE: And you? STORR: I'm a loyalist. JAMIE: A loyalist! STORR: Ah! They've told you have they? JAMIE: Aye! But there's no time to talk. I came here to rescue Victoria. PENLEY: You're in no way... JAMIE: (Interrupting.) Oh, just you try me. Here give me a hand. (STORR moves over to help him up from his bed.) STORR: He's not as bad as you say Penley. JAMIE: Your scientists aren't always right! STORR: Ah ha! You hear that Penley! (JAMIE cannot stand up.) STORR: But, your legs are still weak. JAMIE: (Panicking.) My legs! I can't feel my - I can't stand! STORR: Oh, is this what your stupid drugs can do? PENLEY: Don't be a fool, Storr. Of course it's not the drugs. JAMIE: Well what is it then? PENLEY: Well their weapons must have affected your central nervous system. JAMIE: You mean I'm paralysed? [SCENE_BREAK] 12. ICE WARRIORS' SPACECRAFT (VARGA monitors the spacecrafts controls, while ZONDAL returns from outside.) VARGA: Where is the girl? ZONDAL: Turoc has not yet returned. VARGA: He must find her. ZONDAL: Why? VARGA: We need her to draw an intelligent being from the base. ZONDAL: To find out the kind of reactor they use. VARGA: Yes. Without the ... fuel elements we are helpless. ZONDAL: And if they have them? VARGA: We shall take them. (Two more warriors enter through the door.) VARGA: Is the fuel completely run down? (One of them nods. They then move off.) ZONDAL: If the scientists succeed in melting the ice? VARGA: There will be floods. ZONDAL: No hope for our engines, then? VARGA: Or for us. ZONDAL: The gun is our only chance. [SCENE_BREAK] 13. GLACIER (VICTORIA is in the cave with TUROC. The dead ice warrior is covered in snow, having been crushed by the ice. However, it still holds onto VICTORIA's arm with a vice like grip that she cannot move.) VICTORIA: Help! Oh, somebody help me! Ugh! Help! Somebody! (There is the sound of more ice movement, and some of the roof of the cave falls down.) VICTORIA: Arrgghh! Oh no! No! Oh please! Help me somebody! Please help me! [SCENE_BREAK] 14. PLANT MUSEUM (PENLEY and STORR are still tending to JAMIE.) PENLEY: Well, there's nothing more I can do for him. That's the last of the tranquiliser pads. STORR: Do ye... understand his illness? PENLEY: No, and I've no way of knowing the cause. STORR: Well, there's one way we can save him. PENLEY: How? STORR: To befriend the aliens. PENLEY: Oh don't be a fool Storr! STORR: Oh they'll help us. I'll talk to them. They'll understand. (He moves over to a table to put on another fur coat.) PENLEY: But they're warriors, trained to kill. STORR: Ach, only in self-defense, surely. PENLEY: Oh rubbish no! We've got to get the boy back to the base. STORR: No! PENLEY: For the boy's sake. STORR: Oh, ye, ye, ye trying to trap me! There's no return for me to the civilisation that Clent represents. This is where I stay. PENLEY: Do you think the aliens are any better? They killed Arden. STORR: Ar, they were afraid. PENLEY: They're ruthless, they place no value on human life. STORR: Well I'll talk to them. Someone has to. PENLEY: We don't know what they're capable of, or why they're here. STORR: Well, I'll ask questions first, then act. PENLEY: It may be too late then. STORR: We'll see. PENLEY: No - wait! Storr, look, you don't know what you're running into! STORR: Now don't try and stop me! You look after the boy. (STORR leaves.) [SCENE_BREAK] 15. GLACIER (STORR is making his way towards the ice warriors' spacecraft. He hears the calls of PENLEY.) PENLEY: Storr! Storr! Storr! Storr! (STORR hides behind a ridge, with a rock ready to hit PENLEY with. He then hears, from the other direction, the cries of help from VICTORIA.) VICTORIA: Can you hear me! Help! Oh! I'm trapped! (STORR moves off in her direction. A few moments later, PENLEY moves past, and after avoiding another landslide, takes the wrong way. He soon runs across THE DOCTOR.) DOCTOR: Oh, oh it's you again, is it? PENLEY: Has anyone passed this way? DOCTOR: No. Are you looking for someone? PENLEY: A rather ragged fellow. Like me. DOCTOR: No, nobody. Not even like me. PENLEY: Then I'm too late. There's nothing I can do. DOCTOR: Can I help you? PENLEY: Well you've helped me once already. Why didn't you give me away, or stop me at the base? DOCTOR: Well why should I? I don't believe everything Clent tells me. PENLEY: This boy. He's your friend. DOCTOR: You know where he is? Is he hurt? PENLEY: Come this way. [SCENE_BREAK] 16. GLACIER (VICTORIA is still trapped and calling for help as STORR enters.) VICTORIA: Help me please! (He moves over to her.) VICTORIA: Who are you? STORR: Never mind about that now. VICTORIA: Would you release me please? (STORR struggles with TUROC's hand and manages to open it enough for VICTORIA to remove her hand.) STORR: Wh, what happened? VICTORIA: I run away and the warrior caught me. The ice fell... STORR: You ran away? But why? VICTORIA: The warriors - they're evil. They killed Arden. I think they want to destroy the base. STORR: They are against the scientists? VICTORIA: I know, but they won't listen. They think the ioniser is a weapon against them. STORR: Ah, it's true. A weapon of destruction. VICTORIA: Only to destroy the ice. STORR: Ah, it will destroy civilisation. VICTORIA: Anyway, thank you. STORR: Uh. VICTORIA: Ah, where were you going? STORR: Uh well, your friend, the boy. VICTORIA: Jamie! Jamie, he's alive! Oh, is he alright? STORR: Ah, he's desperately ill. I'm going for help. VICTORIA: But where? (There is another rumble, and part of the roof falls down again.) STORR: We'd better move out of here - quickly! [SCENE_BREAK] 17. GLACIER CAVE (VARGA exits the ship to ZONDAL and one other warrior, who is working on the gun.) VARGA: Is it ready? ZONDAL: We are checking the motivator. Realign harmonic frequencies to target points. (Inside, another warrior changes some settings.) ZONDAL: When do we attack the base? VARGA: Soon, Zondal, soon. Has Turoc returned? ZONDAL: Not yet Sir. (There is another shake.) VARGA: The ice, it is alive. (As the ice warriors move off to the side, STORR and VICTORIA reach the cave.) VICTORIA: The spaceship! STORR: Aye. VICTORIA: You came here on purpose? STORR: Of course! VICTORIA: I'm not coming with you! STORR: Oh, but you must! We must! You'll - we'll be safe! They'll listen to me. VICTORIA: But they won't! You can't trust them. STORR: Arh, they're against the scientists and the ioniser. That's good enough for me! VICTORIA: Is that your reason? I think that's wicked! STORR: Ar, they'll understand. VICTORIA: Let go of me! (The warriors come back into view of the trio.) VICTORIA: Oh! VARGA: Where's Turoc? VICTORIA: He... he was crushed by the ice. (VARGA moves his sonic gun threateningly up to VICTORIA's face.) VICTORIA: Oh! VARGA: I give you your life. You run away. Because of that, one of my men is dead! VICTORIA: Honestly, it wasn't my fault! VARGA: Take her inside. (VICTORIA is dragged inside.) VICTORIA: You're not going to kill me are you? (VARGA turns his attention to STORR.) STORR: My name is Storr. I'm a scavenger. A loyalist. VARGA: You are from the base? STORR: No, I'm against the scientists. ZONDAL: You know nothing of their machines? STORR: No, I don't want to. Their intentions are evil. I want to help you destroy the scientists. ZONDAL: You. What good are you to us? STORR: Oh well, I know the land around here. I've lived here all my life. VARGA: You are not a scientist. Only a local native. ZONDAL: Useless and unnecessary. STORR: Oh, but I want to help you! (VARGA and ZONDAL use their guns on STORR, who screams in pain as he falls to the ground, dead.) VARGA: Now, to question the girl. [SCENE_BREAK] 18. PLANT MUSEUM (THE DOCTOR is just finishing fixing up JAMIE, while PENLEY watches.) DOCTOR: There we are! JAMIE: Good to see you again, Doctor. DOCTOR: Ah, won't be long before you're on your feet again, Jamie. JAMIE: How long? DOCTOR: Well, that depends. You've had some sort of shock to your brain, it's affected your nervous system. JAMIE: I will walk again, though? DOCTOR: Oh, yeah, of course you will. It's just a matter of time, that's all. JAMIE: Aye, well I'll take your word on that. (PENLEY takes him to one side.) PENLEY: What can we do for him? DOCTOR: Well the base is the only place he can be treated. PENLEY: Yes I know that, but he can't get there alone. (There is more rumbling, and the sound of glass breaking in the distance. Parts of the ceiling fall.) PENLEY: That's the glacier. It's moving forward even faster. DOCTOR: Yes. It'll flatten this place in no time at all. PENLEY: Alright. I'll help you take him back. DOCTOR: Well that's just it, you see. I, I can't go, there's something I must do. PENLEY: Well you don't expect me to face Clent alone? That mouth-piece of the computer? He's got a printed circuit where his heart should be! DOCTOR: He's a man with a mission. I don't think he can afford to reject you. PENLEY: Well that's not the point. Anyway, what are you gonna do? DOCTOR: I must speak with the warriors. JAMIE: No Doctor! PENLEY: Well what can you do alone? DOCTOR: I have to see whether Victoria got away safely, and I must find out whether this spacecraft is a danger to the ionisation program. I, I admit it won't be easy. JAMIE: Doctor, if you go to the warriors you'll be their prisoner! DOCTOR: Their guest I hope, Jamie. [SCENE_BREAK] 19. IONISER CONTROL ROOM (CLENT is staring at the screen showing glacier activity.) CLENT: Look Miss Garrett, look. The glacier's moving. That's the fifth surge today. The ioniser just isn't holding it anymore. GARRETT: But we daren't increase power beyond the minimal. CLENT: Well I know the risk if the spaceship explodes. ... radioactivity level. We'd only replace one disaster with an even greater one. GARRETT: But you must make a decision soon. CLENT: No decision to be made yet! Computer can act only when given adequate information. We still don't know enough about the alien reactor. GARRETT: Suppose we never know? Suppose the Doctor never returns? CLENT: We'll face that if and when we have to. GARRETT: But you must have a plan in mind, surely? CLENT: I'm pinning all my hopes on the Doctor. He must succeed. (THE DOCTOR is seen on the control room's communicator screen.) DOCTOR: Here we go, Clent old chap. Wish me luck. [SCENE_BREAK] 20. GLACIER CAVE (Avoiding another avalanche, THE DOCTOR makes it to outside the spacecraft. He reaches the door and knocks on it.) DOCTOR: Anyone at home? (As he walks around, the big gun moves into shooting mode. He weaves under it.) DOCTOR: Open up. Come on, open up, I say! Very well, I shall count to ten. One... two... three... ah! (The door opens, and THE DOCTOR walks into a small square room. Mounted into one of the walls is a video screen on which is VARGA.) VARGA: Who are you? DOCTOR: I never answer questions until I'm addressed properly. VARGA: You will answer now. (THE DOCTOR has a defiant look on his face.) VARGA: Very well. You are standing in the airlock of this spacecraft. Unless you answer my questions, within ten seconds I will take atmospheric pressure around you down to zero. DOCTOR: But if you do that my body will explode! VARGA: One... two... three... four... (THE DOCTOR looks extremely worried as a small dial on the wall quickly moves toward its lowest level.)

The Doctor leaves the base to try and find Jamie and Victoria while Storr tries to do a deal with the Ice Warriors.

fd_FRIENDS_01x14

fd_FRIENDS_01x14_0

Originally written by Bill Lawrence Transcribed by Mindy Mattingly Phillips [mmatting@indiana.edu]. [Scene: Central Perk. Ross is eyeing a beautiful woman at the counter, and Joey and Chandler are egging him on to go talk to her. No pun intended. I mean it.] JOEY: I'm tellin' you Ross, she wants you. ROSS: She barely knows me. We just live in the same building. CHANDLER: Any contact? ROSS: She lent me an egg once. JOEY: You're in! ROSS: Aw, right. HER: Hi, Ross. ROSS: Hey. [stutters something incoherent] CHANDLER: Come on, Ross, you gotta get back in the game here, ok? The Rachel thing's not happening, your ex-wife is a lesbian--I don't think we need a third... JOEY: Excuse me, could we get an egg over here, still in the shell? Thanks. ROSS: An egg? JOEY: Yeah, you're gonna go up to her and say, "Here's your egg back, I'm returning your egg." CHANDLER: I think it's winning. ROSS: I think it's insane. CHANDLER: She'll love it. Go with the egg, my friend. [Ross walks over to the woman, egg in hand.] JOEY: Think it'll work? CHANDLER: No, it's suicide. The man's got an egg. Opening Credits [Scene: Central Perk. Monica, Rachel, Phoebe, Joey, Chandler are there. Ross is still talking to the beautiful woman.] MONICA: You can not do this. RACHEL: Do what, do what? MONICA: Roger wants to take her out tomorrow night. RACHEL: No! Phoebes! Don't you remember why you dumped the guy? PHOEBE: 'Cause he was creepy, and mean, and a little frightening... alright, still, it's nice to have a date on Valentine's Day! MONICA: But Phoebe, you can go out with a creepy guy any night of the year. I know I do. RACHEL: Well, what are you guys doing tomorrow night? JOEY: Actually, tomorrow night kinda depends on how tonight goes. CHANDLER: Oh, uh, listen, about tonight... JOEY: No, no, no, don't you dare bail on me. The only reason she's goin' out with me is because I said I could bring a friend for her friend. CHANDLER: Yes, I know, but her friend sounds like such a-- JOEY: Pathetic mess? I know, but--come on, man, she's needy, she's vulnerable. I'm thinkin', cha-ching! [Rachel throws a roll at Joey. He picks it up and eats it.] Thanks. Look, you have not been out with a woman since Janice. You're doin' this. ROSS: Hi. She said yes. CHANDLER: Yes! Way to go, man! [Chandler and Ross hug. Something crunches in Ross' shirt pocket.] Still got the egg, huh? [Scene: A restaurant. Joey and Chandler are there, waiting for their dates to show up.] JOEY: [Looking at himself in the reflection on a knife] How do I look? CHANDLER: Oh, uh, I... don't... care. [Joey's date shows up] Ok, now, remember, no trading. You get the pretty one, I get the mess. LORRAINE: Hi, Joey. Well well, look what you brought. Very nice. CHANDLER: ...And what did you bring? LORRAINE: She's checking the coats. Joey, I'm gonna go wash the cab smell off my hands. Will you get me a white Zinfandel, and a glass of red for Janice. CHANDLER: Janice? [Lorraine leaves. Joey shakes his head as though to say, 'It can't be the same Janice.' Janice enters.] JANICE: Oh.... my.... God. CHANDLER: [angrily] Hey, it's Janice. [Scene: The bathroom at the restaurant. Chandler and Joey are talking.] CHANDLER: Ok, I'm makin' a break for it, I'm goin' out the window. JOEY: No, no, no, don't! I've been waitin' for like, forever to go out with Lorraine. Just calm down. CHANDLER: Calm down? Calm down? You set me up with the woman that I've dumped twice in the last five months! JOEY: [at the urinal] Can you stop yellin'? You're makin' me nervous, and I can't go when I'm nervous. CHANDLER: I'm sorry, I'm sorry, you're right. [gets up right behind Joey and yells in his ear] Come on, do it, do it, go, come on!!! [Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. The girls are all there, discussing their bad luck with men.] RACHEL: Ok, ok, Roger was creepy, but he was nothing compared to Pete Carney. MONICA: Which one was Pete Carney? RACHEL: Pete the Weeper? Remember that guy who used to cry every time we had s*x. [imitating] "Was it good for you?" MONICA: Yeah, well, I'll take a little crying any day over Howard-the-"I-win"-guy. [imitating] "I win! I win!" I went out with the guy for two months--I didn't get to win once. RACHEL: How did we end up with these jerks? We're good people! MONICA: I don't know. Maybe we're some kinda magnets. PHOEBE: I know I am. That's why I can't wear a digital watch. MONICA: There's more beer, right? PHOEBE: Oh! You know my friend Abby who shaves her head? She said that if you want to break the bad boyfriend cycle, you can do like a cleansing ritual. RACHEL: Phoebes, this woman is voluntarily bald. PHOEBE: Yeah. So, we can do it tomorrow night, you guys. It's Valentine's Day. It's perfect. MONICA: Ok, well, what kind of ritual? PHOEBE: Ok. We can, um, we can burn the stuff they gave us. RACHEL: Or? PHOEBE: Or...or we can chant and dance around naked, you know, with sticks. MONICA: Burning's good. RACHEL: Burning's good. Yeah, I got stuff to burn. [Scene: The restaurant. Joey, Lorraine, Chandler, and Janice are at the table. Joey and Lorraine are seated very close, Chandler and Janice have backed their chairs away from one another.] LORRAINE: You know, ever since I was little, I've been able to pick up quarters with my toes. JOEY: Good for you. [jumps suddenly] Uh, quarters or rolls of quarters? JANICE: By the way, Chandler. I cut you out of all my pictures. So if you want, I have a bag with just your heads. CHANDLER: That's OK. JANICE: Oh, are you sure? Really? Because you know, you could make little puppets out of them, and you could use them in your theater of cruelty. [Lorraine whispers into Joey's ear.] JOEY: [to Lorraine] We can't do that. CHANDLER: [disgusted] What? What can't you do? JOEY: Uh, can I talk to you for a second, over there? [CHandler and Joey leave the table.] JOEY: Uh, we might be leaving now. CHANDLER: Tell me it's "you and me" we. JOEY: She said she wants to slather my body with stuff and then lick it off. I'm not even sure what slathering is, but I definitely want to be a part of it. CHANDLER: Ok, you can not do this to me. JOEY: You're right, I'm sorry. You're right. LORRAINE: [to waiter] Uh, can we have three chocolate mousses to go please? JOEY: I'm outta here. Here's my credit card. Dinner's on me. I'm sorry, Chandler. CHANDLER: I hope she throws up on you. [Joey leaves with Lorraine. Chandler sits back down with Janice.] CHANDLER: So... JANICE: Just us. CHANDLER: Oh, what a crappy night! JANICE: Although, I have enjoyed the fact that, uh your shirt's been stickin' outta your zipper ever since you came back from the bathroom. CHANDLER: Excuse me. [gets up, jumps up and down while he zips his zipper up... other patrons look at him] How ya doin'? JANICE: So, do we have the best friends or what? CHANDLER: Joey's not a friend. He's...a stupid man who left us his credit card. Another drink? Some dessert? A big screen TV? JANICE: I will go for that drink. CHANDLER: You got it. Good woman! [the waiter turns around, it's a man] Could we get a bottle of your most overpriced champagne? JANICE: Each. CHANDLER: That's right, each. Oh, and a uh Rob Roy. [to Janice] I've always wanted to know... [Scene: Chandler's bedroom. Chandler wakes up, and finds someone else's hand on his chest. He rolls over and is shocked to see Janice there.] JANICE: Happy Valentine's Day! Commercial [Scene: In the hall. Chandler is trying to get Janice out of his apartment.] JANICE: Oh, I miss you already. Can you believe this happened? CHANDLER: No... no! And yet it did. Good-bye, Janice. JANICE: Kiss me! [Janice kisses him. Monica comes out for the newspaper.} MONICA: Oh, Chandler, sorry. [Janice turns around, Monica sees who it is.] MONICA: Ohhh, Chandler, sorry! Hey, Janice. JANICE: Hi, Monica. CHANDLER: Ok, well, this was very special. MONICA: Rache, come see who's out here! [Rachel comes out.] RACHEL: Oh my god. Janice, hi! CHANDLER: Janice is gonna go away now. MONICA: I'll be right back. [Joey enters from the stairs.] RACHEL: Oh, Joey, look who it is. JOEY: [in disbelief] Whoa. CHANDLER: Oh, good, Joey's home now. JANICE: This is so fun. This is like a reunion in the hall. [Monica comes out with her cordless phone.] MONICA: Oh, hi, Ross. Yeah. There's someone I want you to say hi to. [to Chandler] He just happened to call. JANICE: Hi, Ross. Yes, it's me. How did you know? [she laughs obnoxiously] [Scene: A Chinese restaurant. Ross is there with his date.] ROSS: I'm just sayin' if dogs do experience jet lag, then, because of the whole um, seven dog years to one human year thing, then, when a dog flies from New York to Los Angeles, he doesn't just lose three hours, he loses like a week and a half. [Ross starts to laugh, and then makes a face like 'Why did I just say that?' Ross' ex-wife, Carol, and her lesbian lover, Susan, enter the restaurant. Ross stares at them.] KRISTIN: That's funny. Who are they? ROSS: The blond woman is my ex-wife, and the woman touching her is her... close, personal friend. KRISTIN: You mean they're lovers. ROSS: If you wanna put a label on it. KRISTIN: Wow, uh, anything else I should know? ROSS: Nope, nope, that's it. [Carol takes off her jacket, her pregnant belly is exposed.] ROSS: Oh, and she's pregnant with my baby. I always forget that part. [to Carol and Susan] Helloo! [Scene: Monica's apartment. The girls are holding their boyfriend bonfire.] PHOEBE: Ok, so now we need, um sage branches and the sacramental wine. MONICA: All I have is, is oregano and a Fresca. PHOEBE: Um, that's ok! [throws it in fire] Ok. All right. Now we need the semen of a righteous man. RACHEL: Ok, Pheebs, you know what, if we had that, we wouldn't be doing the ritual in the first place. MONICA: Can we just start throwing things in? PHOEBE: Ok, yeah, ok. [she throws the directions in] Oh, OK. RACHEL: [tossing things in the fire] Ok, Barry's letters. Adam Ritter's boxer shorts. PHOEBE: Ok, and I have the, uh receipt for my dinner with Nokululu Oon Ah Ah. MONICA: Look, here's a picture of Scotty Jared naked. RACHEL: [looking at picture] Hey he's wearing a sweater. MONICA: No. RACHEL/PHOEBE: Eww! RACHEL: And here we have the last of Paulo's grappa. MONICA: Hey, Rachel, isn't that stuff almost pure-- [Rachel throws the alcohol in the fire. A burst of flames shoots up from it.] [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Central Perk. Chandler and Joey are there. Chandler is preparing to dump Janice again.] CHANDLER: How can I dump this woman on Valentine's day? JOEY: I don't know. You dumped her on New Year's. CHANDLER: Oh, man. In my next life, I'm coming back as a toilet brush. [Janice enters.] JANICE: Hello, funny Valentine. CHANDLER: Hi, Just Janice. JANICE: Hello, Joey, our little matchmaker. I could just kiss you all over, and I'm gonna! [Janice kisses Joey all over. Chandler smiles.] JOEY: [to Chandler] If you don't do it, I will. [Scene: The Chinese restaurant.] ROSS: So, um, what do you do for a living? KRISTIN: Well, um, for the past few years I've been working..[Ross is watching Carol and Susan, not listening to Kristin. Susan gets up, and has to go. Carol is left stranded]...which is funny because, that wasn't even my major. CAROL: Oh no. I thought you said they could shoot the spot without you. SUSAN: I thought they could...I'll try to get back as soon as I can. I'm sorry. [Ross realizes Kristin was expecting him to laugh, so he starts to laugh hysterically.] ROSS: Now that is funny. Hey, do you think...would it be too weird if I invited Carol over to join us? 'Cause she's, she's alone now, and pregnant, and, and sad. KRISTIN: [reluctantly] I guess. ROSS: Are you sure? Great. Carol? Wanna come over and join us? CAROL: Oh, no no no. I'm fine. I'm fine. ROSS: Come on. These people'll scooch down. You guys'll scooch, won't you? Let's try scooching! Come on. Come on. Uh, Kristen Riggs, this is Carol Willick. Carol, Kristin. Uh, Carol teaches sixth grade. And, Kristin, Kristin...[struggling]...does something that, funnily enough, wasn't even her major! [Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Firemen are there to handle the bonfire that got out of control.] FIREMAN 1: What do we got there? FIREMAN 2: A piece of something: boxer shorts, greeting cards, and what looks like a half-charred picture--Wow, that guy's hairier than the Chief! MONICA: You know, it's a really funny story how this happened. FIREMAN 3: It's all right. It's all right. You don't have to explain. This isn't the first boyfriend bonfire that we've seen get out of control. FIREMAN 1: You're our third call tonight. RACHEL: Really? FIREMAN 2: Oh, sure, Valentine's is our busiest night of the year. [Scene: Central Perk.] JANICE: I brought you something. CHANDLER: Is it loaded? Oh, little candy hearts. [reading the candy] Chan and Jan Forever. JANICE: I had them made special. CHANDLER: Ok, Janice. Janice. Hey, Janice. Look, there's no way for me to tell you this. At least there's no new way for me to tell you this. I just don't things are gonna work out. JANICE: That's fine. CHANDLER: [surprised] It is? JANICE: Mmm-hmm. Because I know that this isn't the end. CHANDLER: Oh no, you see, actually it is. JANICE: No, it isn't, because you won't let that happen. Don't you know it yet? You love me, Chandler Bing. CHANDLER: Oh, no I don't. JANICE: Well then ask yourself this. Why do you think we keep ending up together? New Year's? Who invited who? Valentine's? Who asked who into whose bed? CHANDLER: I did, but-- JANICE: You seek me out. Something deep in your soul calls out to me like a foghorn. Janice, Janice. You want me. You need me. You can't live without me. And you know it. You just don't know you know it. See ya. [She kisses him passionately,then leaves.] CHANDLER: Call me! [Scene: The Chinese restaurant. Ross and Carol are talking. Kristin is not there.] CAROL: It's not true. I never called your mother a wolverine. ROSS: You did so. I swear, I swear--[noticing Kristin's absence] How long has she been in the bathroom? CAROL: Uh, I don't think she's in the bathroom. Her coat is gone. ROSS: Well maybe it's cold in there. Or maybe I screwed up the first date I had in 9 years. CAROL: That could be it. ROSS: Oh, god. [He puts his head down on the grill] You know, this is still pretty hot. [He picks his head up, and a mushroom sticks to his head. Carol picks it off and eats it.] CAROL: Mushroom. Smile. They won't all be like this. Some women might even stay through dinner. Sorry, that's not funny ROSS: No, it's just...you know the whole "getting on with your life" thing. Well, do I have to? I mean, I'm sitting here with this cute woman, and, and, and she's perfectly nice, and, but that there's, that's it. And um, and then I'm here talkin' to you, and, and it's easy, and it's fun, and, and I don't, I don't have to...You know, here's a wacky thought. Um, what's say you and I give it another shot? No no no, I know what you're gonna say, you're a lesbian. But what do you say we just put that aside for now you know? Let's just stick a pin in it, ok? Because, we're great together, you know. You can't deny it. Besides, you're carrying my baby. I mean, how perfect is that? But see, you know, you keep sayin' that, but there's somethin' right here. I love you. [They kiss.] CAROL: Oh, I love you too. But-- ROSS: No but, no but. CAROL: You know that thing you put over here with the pin in it? It's time to take the pin out. You'll find someone, I know you will. The right woman is just waiting for you. ROSS: That's easy for you to say, you found one already. CAROL: All you need is a woman who likes men and you'll be set. [A beautiful woman walks by Ross, he stares at her.] CAROL: Not her. Closing Credits [Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. The girls are talking with the firemen.] FIREMAN 3: We get off around midnight, why don't we pick you up then? RACHEL: So, um, will you bring the truck? FIREMAN 3: I'll even let you ring the bell. RACHEL: Oh, my god. PHOEBE: See, there you go, the cleansing works! MONICA: They're nice guys. RACHEL: Oh, they're firemen guys. [Scene: Out in the hall. The firemen are talking.] FIREMAN 1: You guys tell them you were married? FIREMAN 2: No way! FIREMAN 3: Are you kidding? My girlfriend doesn't know, I'm not gonna tell them!

Ross has a Valentine's Day date with a beautiful neighbor, his first date in nine years. Carol and Susan, also out on a romantic date, end up at the same restaurant. When Susan has to leave, Ross then spends all his time talking to Carol. His ignored date leaves without his realizing it. He kisses Carol, resulting in different reactions. Joey's date brings a blind date for Chandler, which turns out to be Janice; they end up sleeping together, then Chandler breaks up with her on Valentine's Day. Phoebe, Monica, and Rachel spend the holiday burning mementos of their past boyfriends, causing a fire and a visit from the fire department.

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[Before the teaser there is a montage of scenes from previous episodes.] GILMORE MANSION [Lorelai, Rory, Emily and Richard are seated and having dinner. Every one is a little on edge] LORELAI: The roses are amazing, mom. EMILY: Thank you, Lorelai. RORY: I like them, too, grandma. EMILY: Thank you, Rory. RICHARD: You are an expert flower arranger, Emily. Perhaps you missed your calling. EMILY: Thank you, Richard. LORELAI: Well done, everyone. Well done. EMILY: Oh, stop it, Lorelai. LORELAI: What, I'm just commenting on how nice and civil that moment was. Never mind. Go on, go on. [Smiling] That was so cute. RORY: [After a moment] The roses are nice, grandma. LORELAI: [A little annoyed] Already covered that. Move on. RICHARD: So, Rory, how are things going at Yale? RORY: They're fine. EMILY: I didn't know we were allowed to talk about Yale. LORELAI: Mom RICHARD: Oh No. We're allowed to talk about it. We're just not allowed to pay for it. LORELAI: Dad EMILY: I wonder if we're allowed to visit it. LORELAI: Okay, hold on. RICHARD: Perhaps if we dress in disguise. LORELAI: Guys! EMILY: Plastic nose with glasses attached. LORELAI: Hey, come on. We were doing so well there for a while. Then you had to start with the Yale. EMILY: So we can't talk about Yale. RICHARD: I should make a list. What else am I not allowed to discuss in my house? LORELAI: No, of course you can talk about Yale. Yale is dad's alma mater, and Rory goes there, so we have to talk about it, okay? But maybe not now. EMILY: Fine. RICHARD: Fine with me. LORELAI: Now, I know a lot of stuff has happened, but we all agreed we were gonna put all that behind us and just move on, okay? So let's take a step back and, uh, start again. And 5, 4, 3, 2... these roses are amazing, mom. EMILY: Thank you, Lorelai. LORELAI: That-a-girl. RICHARD: Your mother has a way with flowers. Perhaps she missed her calling. LORELAI: Okay Dad, we don't have to have exactly the same conversation we just had. RICHARD: How am I supposed to know? You said the same thing you said. LORELAI: I was getting the ball rolling. RICHARD: Lorelai, this is my house. I should have some control over what goes on here [Raising his voice] at some point! EMILY: You're raising your voice again, Richard. RICHARD: I am not! EMILY: You are, and you're raising your voice to me. RICHARD: I'm not allowed to [Looking at Rory] raise it to the people who deserve it. LORELAI: 5, 4, 3, 2... RICHARD: I love shrimp! Who else loves shrimp?! RORY: Me! LORELAI: I'm a fan! RICHARD: This is ridiculous. EMILY: Lorelai, how's Luke? LORELAI: Hey, nice one, mom. EMILY: Thank you. [Moment] Well? LORELAI: What? Oh. Oh, he's fine. EMILY: So you're still engaged. LORELAI: Yes, we're still engaged. EMILY: I was just asking. After all, I haven't gotten a "save the date" card yet. If you're engaged, I assume you're planning a wedding at some point, not that I've heard anything. LORELAI: I will send you a "save the date" card, mom. EMILY: For? LORELAI: For? EMILY: What date am I saving? LORELAI: Dur, well if I tell you that now, then what fun will the card be? EMILY: I mean, I assume I'm invited. I haven't heard. I haven't heard if I'm invited, if I'm in the wedding, if I need a dress. And now you won't tell me the date of this wedding that I may or may not be invited to. LORELAI: June 3rd! EMILY: June 3rd? LORELAI: Yes, June 3rd, okay? EMILY: Are we here June 3rd? RICHARD: I believe we are. EMILY: All right. June 3rd. That's very soon. LORELAI: Yeah. EMILY: Is there any specific reason so soon? LORELAI: Oh, boy. EMILY: June 3rd. June 3rd? Richard, June 3rd. RICHARD: Yes, June 3rd. EMILY: Well, it's just so soon. I mean, we haven't even seen Luke since... Richard, when was the last time we saw Luke? RICHARD: It's been a while. EMILY: A long while. Well, you must bring him to dinner Friday. LORELAI: What? EMILY: The next time we see him certainly cannot be as you're walking down the aisle. LORELAI: Well, there's time before... EMILY: No, there's not. Your father goes out of town every other week from now until the end of may, I have functions every weekend, two charity balls, the zoo auction, the Hartford beautification project. Your father and I bought a stretch of the highway. RICHARD: Exit 36 through 38. EMILY: So there's literally no time left. It has to be Friday. RICHARD: Friday it is. LORELAI: I don't know if Luke is available Friday. EMILY: Well tell him he has to be. This is family. LORELAI: Yeah, but... EMILY: He would say no to having dinner with his future mother and father-in-law? Is this really the kind of man you want in your life? Is this really the kind of man you want to be Rory's stepfather? RORY: Yeah, think of the kids. LORELAI: Luke is not saying no. EMILY: You are? LORELAI: No, I'm not saying no, either. EMILY: So no one's saying no. LORELAI: Right. EMILY: So you're saying yes. LORELAI: Yes. EMILY: Good. I'll pick up some "save the date" cards tomorrow. Do you want a color? Because I think white is the best choice. RORY: 5, 4, 3, 2... OPENING CREDITS KITCHEN OF LOREAI (AND LUKE'S) HOUSE [Lorelai is putting frozen food on trays] LORELAI: Hey, have you noticed that anything in a red-wine reduction sauce leaves you hungry 20 minutes later? RORY: [OS] Especially if you don't eat it. LORELAI: Did my parents eat exceptionally slowly tonight? RORY: [OS] Yes. LORELAI: They did. My mother started on the white-meat portion of her game hen at 8:15 and did not hit the drumstick till 10 O' nine. RORY: [OS] Actually 9:15. LORELAI: You've been in there an hour. What are you doing? RORY: [OS] Facial exercises. The younger I look, the younger you look. LORELAI: Oh, good point. Hey, do we want the apple turnovers or the cherry? RORY: [OS] Yes. [Moment] Hey, question, where did June 3rd come from? LORELAI: What? RORY: [OS] I thought there was no June 3rd. LORELAI: No, there's a June 3rd. Just because we don't get married on a date doesn't make it cease to exist. RORY: [OS] You know what I mean. LORELAI: I was on the spot. I just didn't want to go through the whole "the wedding was postponed" explanation. RORY: [OS] Why not? LORELAI: Because that would lead to the "what happened?" Conversation, which would lead to the "I told you so" conversation and the "what is wrong with you that you can't close the deal?" Conversation, which would lead to the "why is Lorelai slamming her head against the wall?" Conversation. So I just said June 3rd. It could still happen, and if it doesn't, I'll blow up that bridge when we come to it. [Rory comes out of her room] RORY: I get it. LORELAI: Thank you. Those new sweats? RORY: Yep, just came out. LORELAI: Did you get some for mommy? RORY: You want some Yale sweats? LORELAI: No, no, not me, your other mommy, the one who raised you and fed you and stayed up with you when you had the measles. RORY: I already put them in your room. LORELAI: Excellent! [Handing Rory a pop-tart] To cleanse your palate. RORY: Thank you. LORELAI: Let's go. [They go into the living room and sit on the couch and turn on the TV] LORELAI: Hey, you know who also might like a sweatshirt? RORY: They don't make them for dogs. I already asked. LORELAI: I did not mean Paul Anka. He's a Princeton man, anyhow. RORY: Nice loyalty. LORELAI: I think Christopher might like one. RORY: Dad? Really? LORELAI: Yeah, he's paying your tuition now. It might be a nice gesture. RORY: Yeah, sure, I could do that. LORELAI: Cool. "Solaris"? RORY: No, not again. LORELAI: I'm telling you, there's a story in there somewhere. RORY: Yeah, the story is you calling yourself Mrs. Clooney for 2 1/2 hours. LORELAI: Have you heard from him lately? RORY: George? Yes, last night. The Oscar buzz is really getting to him. LORELAI: I'm talking about your dad. RORY: No. LORELAI: Huh. RORY: What? LORELAI: Nothing. He's just been very quiet lately. RORY: So? LORELAI: So it's weird. Pops up and then disappears again, that's never good. RORY: Unless he's a groundhog. Maybe dad's a groundhog. LORELAI: I wonder what he's up to. RORY: Maybe he's just busy with work. LORELAI: No, I don't buy it. RORY: Well maybe he's just doing what he promised he would do. LORELAI: What's that? RORY: He's putting up the money and staying out of everything else. LORELAI: Hmm. Well, that was the agreement, wasn't it? RORY: Yes, it was. LORELAI: Huh. Maybe he is just doing what we agreed to. So un-Christopher of him. RORY: People change, and then they get a nice sweatshirt as a treat. LORELAI: Good for him. RORY: Yep. Hey, "Bullets over Broadway." LORELAI: "Don't speak." RORY: If only. LORELAI: [Gasps] Hey, you like me. Remember that. RORY: Hmm. LORELAI: Why don't you invite him to Yale for lunch, show him around the campus, make him feel daddy-ish? RORY: You think he'd like that? LORELAI: I think he'd love that. RORY: Okay. I'll call him tomorrow. LORELAI: Just don't take him to the library. RORY: Mom. LORELAI: Don't show him all your classes. Don't make him touch the toe. RORY: This is my tour. LORELAI: I'm just saying, if he passes out from boredom, he's gonna be a lot harder to drag around campus than I was. RORY: Seriously, don't speak. YALE NEWSPAPER ROOM [The staff are gathered around] SHEILA: This is getting ridiculous. BILL: Well I'm completely out of ideas. SHEILA: How about we call her cell phone and make up some kind of emergency? Would that work? [Rory enter the room] RORY: Okay, hit me with it. AK: Big shock, it's about Paris. RORY: What did she do now? BILL: Nothing, it's what's been done to her. JONI: The Howell Raines-ing is complete. RORY: She's out? BILL: The board has spoken. JONI: More like screamed. RORY: Oh, boy. How did she take it? SHEILA: She hasn't. JONI: She won't come out of her bunker. AK: She's been in there for hours. BILL: Even Hitler came out every once in a while to walk his dog. JONI: I interrupted her highness while she was on the phone and got a 5,000-word lecture on Robert's rules of order. RORY: Well, she's got to be told. AK: Then she's got to come out. JONI: Tear gas! Where can we find tear gas? SHEILA: Or we could set off the fire alarm. RORY: Stand down, everyone. I'll tell her. BILL: Really? RORY: It's probably better that the person delivering the news doesn't chuckle with glee while doing it, Bill. BILL: [Chuckling] I would not chuckle while doing it. Oh, my god, that was completely inadvertent. RORY: All right, I'm going in. [Inside Paris's bunker, Paris sitting with her feet on the chair and her legs tucked up to her chest, she is on the phone.] PARIS: I know, Mr. Weisner. It was a complete screw-up. Here's what happened, your ad ran with the phone number of the beauty-supply-store ad from the next page. That's why you're getting calls about hair gel and moisturizers. Anyway, I really want you to rest easy, and I hope this does not interfere with any financial contributions that you've been generous enough to promise. All right? Thank you. Bye. [Hangs up phone] This job is 24/7. RORY: Yeah. PARIS: It's not enough to put out a daily paper with outstanding quality, without having to dodge complaints from uppity alumni calling over every little mistake. Weisner threatened to withhold money he had already pledged for the new computers because his ad was messed up. I mean can he even do that? RORY: I don't know. PARIS: [Moving to a hot plate] Do you want some soup? I was just heating up some soup. RORY: There's no ventilation in here. PARIS: I'm careful. RORY: Right. Uh, well, no, thank you. I just came in here to... I was just thinking... PARIS: yeah? RORY: [Sighs] Five-plus years? PARIS: Hmm. RORY: That we've known each other, that we've been friends. Five-plus. PARIS: That long? Wow. RORY: Feels like forever ago to me, Chilton, the day we met, just a couple of rosy-cheeked kids. PARIS: My face inflamed easily back then, too many tomatoes and red peppers. RORY: Got off to kind of a rocky start. We were competitors. PARIS: I get that from my mother. She's part Viking. RORY: But eventually we became pals, good pals, because we respected each other and supported each other in good times and bad. PARIS: Did I open this can today or yesterday? RORY: This is a not-so-good time, Paris. PARIS: I know. If the hurricanes don't kill us, the bird flu will. RORY: I mean for you, here, at the paper. [Paris looks at Rory] The board voted you out. PARIS: Oh...I see. [Moves away from the hotplate and soup] So it's over. RORY: I'm sorry. I just found out. I'm so sorry. PARIS: Well, it's not like I didn't have a clue that that was a possibility. RORY: It has been pretty tense around here. PARIS: So, are they all out there excitedly awaiting my perp walk? RORY: Oh, who cares? Who cares about them? You don't perp walk. You're Paris Geller. You walk tall. You're better than all of them. PARIS: Really? RORY: Definitely. And this job, Paris, being editor, you don't need this, this hassle. You're gonna be a doctor. PARIS: Surgeon. RORY: And a lawyer. PARIS: Judge. RORY: That's a hell of a workload. And the workload here, the indignities, smoothing the ruffled feathers of advertisers, covering sports as if they matter, you're exhausted, Paris, stretched thin, eating soup out of a can. PARIS: Soup I don't even like. RORY: This might not be such a bad thing, leaving this job, huh? PARIS: I am pretty tired. RORY: You even look a little relieved. PARIS: And I'll be damned if I'm gonna give those people a perp walk. RORY: Good. Good attitude. PARIS: Let's get out of this spider hole and take care of this right now. RORY: I am with you, friend. You better shut off the hot plate. PARIS: Right. [Back in the newsroom] PARIS: Everyone, I have a little announcement, so if you could gather around, please. We have an issue. You see, it has become increasingly apparent that I have become the story here at the Yale daily news and that I have overshadowed our journalistic efforts. Well, I don't want to be the story at my own newspaper, because then I'd be Judith Miller, and I'd have to wear my bangs too long and overdo my lipstick, and I don't want that. I want to remain me. So I am tendering my resignation as editor in chief effective immediately. In closing, I'd like to state that the Yale daily news has overcome numerous obstacles in its august history and that it will easily overcome this. My resignation will be a loss, but it will be a loss the daily news can survive, and it is a loss it must survive. Good night and good luck. [Paris leaves the newsroom. Bill moves the Paris name of the location board Paris set up. Cheers and applause, as Rory looks on with concern] DRAGON FLY INN - RESEPTION AREA [Luke is working on the "key rack" behind the desk. Lorelai is also there, sorting mail.] LUKE: [Sighs] I don't want to go. LORELAI: Of course you don't. LUKE: Your parents are not warm people. LORELAI: They were extras in "March of the penguins." LUKE: Maybe we could skip the drinks, have the dinner, and be done. LORELAI: Skip the drinks! Luke, you don't skip the one activity that makes the rest of the evening miraculously tolerable. The drinks fortify us. The drinks give us strength. The drinks get us drunk. LUKE: But they take forever, and then I got to sit there and talk to your dad about stocks and literature and watch it dawn on him for the umpteenth time that I don't know anything about stocks or literature. How many times can two people have the same awful conversation? LORELAI: Just repeat after me, "this is really great scotch, Richard." LUKE: And then, of course, there's your mother, who hates me. LORELAI: All the more reason to get a little soused. LUKE: We can drink in the car. LORELAI: One of us has to drive. LUKE: Fine, you drink in the car, I'll take five quick shots in their driveway. LORELAI: Look, I want to get out of there as quickly as you do, but we have to think a little more pragmatically. So when the dessert comes, I will fake an attack of food poisoning, and then you rush me to the car. LUKE: That's your solution? LORELAI: Uh-huh, yes. Fake stomach pain is my specialty, that and getting my fianc to agree to horrible things he hates. LUKE: 6 O'clock? LORELAI: Wear something fetching. [Lorelai walks toward the dinning room] MICHEL: What is Luke doing here? LORELAI: Oh, he's making a few minor repairs around the inn. MICHEL: What about the handyman? LORELAI: Parker? MICHEL: Yes. I thought we liked him. LORELAI: We do, but Luke offered, and he has his own tool belt, and the price was right. MICHEL: Oh, really? No charge? LORELAI: No, well, I did have to give him a coupon for 100 free snuggles. MICHEL: How adorable. LORELAI: Yeah, and to tell the truth, parker always kind of turned up his nose at my snuggle bucks. MICHEL: So I guess this is how we're operating now. LORELAI: How's that? MICHEL: We've dispensed with hiring professionals around here. Maybe from now on, my cousin Gert can do our accounting. She's got her own calculator. LORELAI: He's not performing open-heart surgery, Michel. He's just fixing a few things, for free, saving me a little money so I can do crazy things like pay people's salary and heat the place. MICHEL: Well, he's not doing a very good job. That key rack is protruding way too far out. It's going to wreak havoc on my French cuffs every time I reach for a key. LORELAI: Tell him how you like the hooks. MICHEL: Oh, I'm supposed to just follow him around all day, correcting his every mistake? Absurd. We will sit down and make a detailed list of everything we need done, and he can consult that. LORELAI: Luke does not need a list. MICHEL: What do you mean? We always gave parker a list. LORELAI: Luke's got a sixth sense about these things. He can spot a loose screw from across the room. He can sense when something needs to be fixed before it's even broken, it's spooky. MICHEL: Well, I will do a quick walk-through with him, just to make sure his magical powers are working. LORELAI: Michel, there's no need for that. You've got plenty to handle with all the guests, and Luke's got it covered. LUKE: [Walking past] Left my sandpaper in the library. MICHEL: It must be nice to have a man who isn't ashamed of his own natural body odor. [Lorelai give Michel a dirty look and walks away] YALE NEWSROOM [Lots of staff around to vote for the new editor] MAN 1: Come on. BILL: I'm trying to be accurate. JONI: There are no "hanging chads", Bill. Give us the count. BILL: Okay, we've got 16 votes for Casey, 18 for Andrew, and 9 for Cathy. [The newsroom sighs in disbelief.] AK: I can't do this anymore! MAN1: We're never going to get a majority! SHEILA: Let's just not have an editor. We can run the paper by committee. BILL: No one said this was going to be easy. JONI: It's been three days of voting. That's not an election, that's a sentence. RORY: Maybe we should take a break. BILL: No. No breaks. AK: This isn't est. We get to leave. RORY: Well then maybe we should send out for coffee. Who wants coffee? JONI: No way! I'm so wired, I'm jumping out of my skin! SHEILA: We have three candidates and no consensus. We're never getting out of here. MAN1: We need a new name. RORY: I agree. We're not getting anywhere. BILLY: How about Gilmore? JONI: I like that name. AK: I like that name. RORY: Whoa, hey, I didn't mean my name. SHELIA: I'd vote for Rory before I'd switch to Andrew. Sorry, Andrew. BILL: And I'd vote for Rory before I'd switch to Cathy. Sorry, Cathy. AK: And I'd vote for anybody over Casey because Casey's an idiot and he didn't even show up. BILL: He's in the back. AK: Sorry, Casey. BILL: Got a statement, Gilmore? RORY: No, um...I'd just like to say I'm flattered, and you're very kind. Um, I did miss that semester, so seniority's a question. JONI: We're past taking seniority into account. SHEILA: You totally bailed us out that night. AK: The paper wouldn't have gone out if it weren't for you. RORY: But... BILL: What's your hesitation? Is it Paris? RORY: No, I'm not hesitating because of Paris. BILL: Then why are you hesitating? RORY: I'm not. I accept the nomination. SHEILA: Please tell me we don't have to debate this. JONI: What's the debate? She's feeling pretty consensus-y to me. BILL: All right. All those in favor of Rory Gilmore as editor, say aye. [The raise there hands together and say Aye!] BILL: Sounds consensus-y to me. Congratulations. RORY: Thank you, everyone. I won't let you down. [Everyone starts to move away] BILL: This is part two of the financial-aid feature. We need your okay before going to layout. RORY: Good. I loved part one, by the way. BILL: Thanks. SHELIA: A.P. Pieces. We may need more filler than usual today. RORY: Good. Thanks, Sheila. JONI: These should probably come first, photo approvals. RORY: Thanks, Joni. And let Derek know that I'm gonna need some space in editorial. I want to write a little note from me to the readers. JONI: [Salutes in fun] Will do. HALLWAY TO THE PARIS, DOYLE AND RORY APARTMENT [Rory gasps as she sees all her stuff in the hall] RORY: [Starts to climb over stuff to get to the apartment door] Ow. [Starts to unlock the door but the keys don't work] Paris! Doyle! Someone! PARIS: [The door opens] You dare show your face? RORY: What is my stuff doing out here? PARIS: I'll prorate the utilities from the time of eviction, 3:47 P.M., The third day of February. RORY: Eviction? Paris, why are you doing this? PARIS: Don't you play dumb with me! RORY: Unchain the door. PARIS: This chain is here for your protection. Krav Maga, baby. When my enemies approach, I'm trained to pounce, it's reflex. RORY: Paris, I'm not your enemy. PARIS: Oh, really? Enemies move in silence and strike when their prey is weakest. Pretty much sums you up, doesn't it, editor Gilmore? RORY: That was not my doing. That was the board's. PARIS: As if you didn't lobby for it. RORY: I didn't! PARIS: That secret meeting weeks ago at the pub where you set the putsch in motion, what happened? There wasn't a beer hall available? RORY: I did not set the poochin motion. I can't even spell "pooch." PARIS: Nice spin. Take it to "k" street. [Shuts the door] I made you my number two, and it went to your head! RORY: You can't just kick me out like this! PARIS: There's a hallway full of crap that says otherwise! RORY: But we're friends. PARIS: [Opens the door, still chained] We're not friends. RORY: I understand why you're upset, but just let me in so I can explain. PARIS: [Mocking voice] "Gee, Paris, what a horrible job being editor is. "Who needs the headache? Remember Chilton, Paris? All those good times." Well, the good times are over! [Closes the door, Rory is still in shock, door re opens] Here, this is yours, too. [Throws a scarf at Rory through the chained door.] DRAGON FLY INN - DINNING ROOM [Luke is fixing a chair] MICHEL: [Upset] Luke, can we talk for a minute? LUKE: [Calm] Yeah, what's up? MICHEL: I noticed your truck, LUKE: Yeah. MICHEL: Your filthy green truck. LUKE: Uh-huh MICHEL: It's parked in guest parking. LUKE: So? MICHEL: So guest parking is for guests. Filthy-green-truck parking is around the back, on the dirt road, behind the shed. LUKE: I'll be done in two minutes. MICHEL: Wonderful. Now, about your hat. LUKE: My hat? MICHEL: I'd like you to remove it. LUKE: What for? MICHEL: You're indoors. Gentlemen don't wear hats indoors. LUKE: It's okay. I'm not much of a gentleman. MICHEL: Not if you persist in dressing like a "peanuts" character. LUKE: I'm not taking off my hat. MICHEL: Did you talk to a guest this morning? LUKE: Huh? MICHEL: I thought I saw you talking to a guest. LUKE: I may have given someone directions. MICHEL: Well, don't do it again. You're not qualified. LUKE: I'm not qualified to tell somebody how to get to the post office? MICHEL: No. You are a diner owner and an amateur substitute handyman, and that in no way qualifies you to give directions to our guests. LUKE: Why not? MICHEL: [Getting mad] Because that is my job, and you lack my people skills! LUKE: [Getting a little annoyed but still calm] Go away, Michel. MICHEL: [Still mad] Keep your voice down. The guests can hear. LUKE: There isn't anyone down here. MICHEL: But they are upstairs, and your voice carries! LUKE: Hey, you're the one doing the yelling. MICHEL: I'm yelling because you are flouting the rules of this establishment, parking where you want, talking when you want, wearing what you want. And 20 minutes ago, I saw you eating a sandwich. LUKE: So what? MICHEL: We don't let the help eat in front of the guests! The next time you eat, you do so in the kitchen... or the barn! LUKE: I'm not gonna eat in the barn! MICHEL: Parker ate in the barn. LUKE: Who's parker? MICHEL: A wonderful, wonderful man. [Storms off] OUTSIDE PARIS & DOYLE'S APARTMENT [Rory is mad, looking through a news paper and dials her cell phone] LOGAN: Hello? RORY: There are no singles left. LOGAN: What do you mean "no singles"? RORY: I just talked to campus housing, and there are no singles left at Branford or anywhere on campus, and the decent off-campus apartments are long gone. The ones left make Paris and Doyle's place look like Versailles. LOGAN: What are you talking about. Why do you need a place? RORY: I got elected editor of the daily news. LOGAN: What?... You did? RORY: Yes. LOGAN: Wow! Finally someone good running that place! Someone great! You're gonna be great! RORY: Well, hot-plate Harriet took it very badly. LOGAN: Who's that? RORY: Paris. She threw all my stuff out into the hallway, so I'm sitting here guarding it all until the movers get here. LOGAN: Oh, man. Paris, idiot. RORY: My books look sad. Can books look sad? LOGAN: Look, we'll figure this out. You said you got movers? RORY: Starving students. How starving can they be if they can't come for five hours after you call? Plus, I heard the guy crunching on something during our call. Sounded like baked lay's. LOGAN: And you've got nowhere to go, right? RORY: Right-a-mundo. LOGAN: Well...you can move in with me. RORY: What? LOGAN: Move in with me. Paris' place is a hole anyway. I never liked that you lived there. And that doo-wop group downstairs, I don't think they're an honest-to-goodness singing group. RORY: Logan, that's really sweet, but I can't move in with you. LOGAN: Why not? You're here half the time anyway. You've already got two dresser drawers, and right now, for a limited time, I'll throw in three more drawers and a set of Ginsu knives. RORY: Really? LOGAN: No. I have no idea where to get Ginsu knives. RORY: It's kind of a big step, isn't it? LOGAN: You need a place, I got the space. Don't you think it'll be fun? RORY: Fun? LOGAN: Come on, ace. You know what I mean. What do you say? RORY: Well... I might need just one more drawer. I can put my socks in a shoebox under the bed. LOGAN: Is that a yes? RORY: I guess that's a yes. LOGAN: Good. I'm calling Colin and Finn. They'll be right over. RORY: Okay. LOGAN: And no shoeboxes. You're getting those drawers. RORY: I'll take them. [A lady comes out of apartment 8, to the lady] Wait, wait! [To Logan] Hold on, I've got to take this. [Back to the lady] Okay, get past the hamper, veer left at the mirror. Grab the large pipe on the wall to get yourself to the desk, which you can then go over or under. I'll guide you from there. DRAGON FLY INN - KITCHEN [Michel is getting some food and Lorelai walks in, Michel is still in a bad mood] LORELAI: [Sighs] Got a little snack there, Michel? These are not a snack. They are my 12 daily free walnuts. LORELAI: I hate to see you bingeing like this. And now I've lost count. LORELAI: Let's talk about your little spat with Luke today. What did he tell you? LORELAI: He said you yelled at him. Oh! [Scoffs] What a crybaby. LORELAI: He's not a crybaby. He just doesn't like being screamed at by people he's doing favors for. Did you check his diaper? Maybe he's just upset because you forgot to change him today. LORELAI: Now who's a crybaby? I used to yell at parker all the time, and he never once came running to you. LORELAI: What is this thing with you and parker? Did he save your life in Nam? Parker is a professional. LORELAI: Parker is a clumsy, forgetful, 65-year-old, semi-lucid, not-that-handy handyman. Luke wears a hat indoors. LORELAI: So did parker. That was a wool-knit cap. It's completely different. LORELAI: So this is a hat thing? I just don't like Luke's system. He misses many things that needs to be fixed, many things. LORELAI: Well, so jot them down. That's not how we make the list. LORELAI: So type them up. No! We make the list at Weston's over coffee. That's what we do when we make the list. We go once a month to Weston's together, and we sit, and we decide on the work for the handyman. That's our thing. We get very large coffees, and we split a slice of red-velvet cake, and we gossip, and I eat the whole cake, and you never tell anyone. LORELAI: Oh, Michel. I liked our trips to Weston's. Oh, yes, that is what I do when I like something, I cut it out of my life completely. LORELAI: I didn't cut coffee with you out of my life. Oh, then you just forgot? How special those times must have been for you. LORELAI: They were special. It's just been crazy around here, and, well, it was nice to save a little money with Luke. Money isn't everything, you know. People come to work for more than just the money. Although my direct deposit was late again. Maybe that's something you can finally get around to looking into. LORELAI: I will. I guess you don't have to write that down, either? No one needs a list anymore? LORELAI: [picks up a walnuts] These are candied. Well...the real ones taste like cardboard, and the health benefits are the same, except for the skin. LORELAI: What are you doing this afternoon? I'm going to yell at Doreen about the soap spots on room 3's bathroom floor tiles. LORELAI: Well, instead, how about if you and I take a trip to Weston's? We can make Luke a list over cake and coffee, and we can throw around ideas about improvements at the inn. I do not need your pity cake. LORELAI: It's not pity cake, it's red-velvet cake, and it's delicious, and I think we ought to eat it. Although this time, you're getting your own 'cause I am not sharing. Well, I guess I could yell at Doreen tomorrow. LORELAI: Tomorrow seems like a fine day to yell at Doreen. So Weston's? Weston's... I was thinking maybe you could have Luke wear a jumpsuit when he's working around the inn, you know, the kind gas-station attendant's wear. LORELAI: Yeah, why don't we put a pin in that? [SCENE_BREAK] YALE [Rory is showing Christopher around the campus, they are in a hall way] CHRISTOPHER: So far, I have seen no one here smarter than you. RORY: You can tell that? CHRISTOPHER: And I'm keeping track, 566 people, all inferior to you. RORY: I don't believe it. CHRISTOPHER: What? RORY: Did you not see those two girls? CHRISTOPHER: No. What? RORY: They totally checked you out. CHRISTOPHER: They did? [Chuckles] Cool. RORY: It's the same way with mom. I swear, I hate having hot parents. CHRISTOPHER: Sorry. RORY: Check it out. [The look in to a class room from a doorway] I had him for microeconomics last year. PROFESSOR COPPEDGE: The currency must be more than fungible, but also scarce. Take our seashells example. While fungible, they exist in infinite supply and so fail the scarcity test. CHRISTOPHER: [Snoring] RORY: Dad! CHRISTOPHER: Huh? What? Uh, uh, fungible? RORY: Dad, that's a Nobel-prize winner. CHRISTOPHER: The dull dude? RORY: Shh! CHRISTOPHER: He doesn't even own an iron. RORY: I can't take you anywhere. CHRISTOPHER: No, you can't, can you? YALE - DINNING HALL CHRISTOPHER: This where we're eating? RORY: We don't have to. I just wanted you to see it. CHRISTOPHER: Well, I'll eat wherever you want to eat. RORY: Okay. I know a cool spot. And we've pretty much covered every square inch of campus. So let's go. CHRISTOPHER: Hey, what about your place? RORY: My place? CHRISTOPHER: Yeah, I want to see it. RORY: Why? CHRISTOPHER: [Chuckles] Because I'm curious. I want to see where my kid lives. RORY: Well, it's pretty messy right now. CHRISTOPHER: [Chuckles] The lady who cleans my house has to use a bulldozer. Messy does not frighten me. RORY: Okay. But you've been warned. CHRISTOPHER: Lead the way. LAGAN'S APARTMENT BUILDING [The elevator doors open, Rory and Chris get out and walk down a hall way] CHRISTOPHER: Man, did you see that lobby? RORY: Um, yeah. Once or twice. CHRISTOPHER: That was a lobby. And a doorman? I'm slipping that guy a little something extra to keep an eye on you, by the way. RORY: You don't have to do that. CHRISTOPHER: Are you kidding? I love slipping people money to do things. We're here? RORY: Yep. CHRISTOPHER: You got a key or is it scanning your retina for access? RORY: Dad, I have to be straight with you about something. CHRISTOPHER: Oops. RORY: No, it's just... today was a weird day. It started really great, with me getting voted editor in chief of my school paper. CHRISTOPHER: What? You did? Oh, boy, Rory, that's amazing. RORY: Thank you, it is. It's just, Paris, my roommate Paris, she was the editor, Um, but when she found out that I was made the new editor, she threw me out. CHRISTOPHER: What? You want me to talk to her? RORY: No, it's fine. It's just that I had no place to go, so I moved in with my boyfriend. CHRISTOPHER: Oh. RORY: In there. CHRISTOPHER: Your boyfriend. RORY: You actually met him once. CHRISTOPHER: I did? RORY: At grandma's vow renewal. He was the guy... CHRISTOPHER: Right. RORY: Yes. CHRISTOPHER: When I walked in, and you two... RORY: Exactly. CHRISTOPHER: Okay, well, uh, why don't we open the door so I can see what my daughter living with her boyfriend looks like? RORY: Okay. [Rory opens the door, they enter, Logan has headphones on and is reading on the couch. Rory gets his attention.] LOGAN: Hey. RORY: Hi. I tried to call you to let you know we were coming over, but you didn't answer. LOGAN: Right. Headphones. RORY: They work. LOGAN: Sure do. RORY: So, uh, Logan, this is my father, Christopher. LOGAN: Hi, good to meet you. CHRISTOPHER: Actually, we've met. LOGAN: I know. CHRISTOPHER: Don't worry about it...Wow, this is, uh, some spread. LOGAN: Aw, thanks. [Quietly to Rory] You brought your dad here. RORY: He wanted to see where I lived. What was I supposed to do? LOGAN: But I need a little bit of a warning. RORY: I tried to call you. CHRISTOPHER: Should I put the headphones on? 'Cause I'm right here. RORY: No. Sorry. LOGAN: Yeah, sorry. CHRISTOPHER: Look, I didn't mean to barge in on you like this. I just want to make sure my kid's got a decent place to live, that's all. Hey, so, how do you like the plasma? LOGAN: Love it. CHRISTOPHER: Yeah, I'm thinking about getting a 60-inch for the bedroom. LOGAN: Well, I've got a great home-theater guy if you need some help. CHRISTOPHER: I may take you up on that. RORY: You want something to drink, dad? CHRISTOPHER: Sure, I'll take a soda, if you got one. RORY: Coming right up. CHRISTOPHER: [Looks out the window] Wow. That's a great view. LOGAN: Yeah, that's the old campus over there. CHRISTOPHER: Oh, me and the old campus go way back. [Looks at a photo] Is that...it is. That's Endicott Peabody. [Chuckles] Why do you have that? Are you a Groton man? LOGAN: Was, briefly. I actually swiped that from the headmaster's office on my way out the door. CHRISTOPHER: I was kicked out of Groton. LOGAN: You're kidding. CHRISTOPHER: Nope, did a semester at St. Sebastian's after that. LOGAN: I know several people who got kicked out of St. Sebastian's. My good friend Colin was actually banned from coming anywhere within a 10-mile radius. CHRISTOPHER: Impressive. RORY: Here you go. CHRISTOPHER: Thank you. After St. Sebastian's, I went on to St. Cybil's. LOGAN: I almost went there myself, but I wound up at St. Mark's instead. CHRISTOPHER: How long you last there? LOGAN: About a week. CHRISTOPHER: They got quite the trigger finger at St. Mark's. Did you ever do Deerfield? LOGAN: Please, Deerfield's for amateurs. I got kicked out of rivers. CHRISTOPHER: I didn't think rivers kicked anybody out. LOGAN: Neither did we, but dean Eldon's Miata in the bottom of lake Rutherford proved just the ticket. CHRISTOPHER: Rory, you got a good man here. RORY: Interesting yardstick you're using. CHRISTOPHER: Hey, listen, Logan, we were just about to go out and grab some dinner. You want to come with? LOGAN: Oh, I don't want to intrude. RORY: No, come. That would be great. LOGAN: Okay, sure. Just let me grab my wallet. I'll be right with you. RORY: You're being nice to him. CHRISTOPHER: He's a cool guy. RORY: Listen, I haven't had a chance to tell mom about this yet. It's not a big deal, it just happened so fast so... CHRISTOPHER: I get it. RORY: I'm gonna tell her about it today, so just... CHRISTOPHER: You tell her. I'm going TV shopping. LOGAN: Okay, Rich Man's Shoe. RORY: Where else? CHRISTOPHER: Rich man's shoe? RORY: Best burgers within walking distance. LOGAN: We have very high culinary standards here at Yale. CHRISTOPHER: Whoa, is that the new xBox 360? Okay, I'm totally moving in here with you. LORELAI (AND LUKE'S0 HOUSE - MAIN BEDROOM [Luke is dresses, ready to go and reading the to-do DFI job list] LUKE: Are you serious? LORELAI: Just look at it as a challenge. LUKE: There's 85 things on this list. LORELAI: Actually, that last page we did front and back. LUKE: Wow. LORELAI: I thought we'd make it an even 100. LUKE: [Reading from list] "Regrout the tiles behind the sink basin." LORELAI: Long overdue. LUKE: How can you tell? LORELAI: Well, if you slide on your back under the sink and shine a flashlight up into the area where the basin meets the wall, it's really obvious. LUKE: What does "O.D.D." Mean? LORELAI: "Only during the day." Those are tasks we deemed too noisy for you to do when guests are sleeping. LUKE: How considerate. "Replace chocolate-brown contact paper in kitchen drawers with cocoa brown." LORELAI: Huh, okay, that one I blame on the second piece of cake. There was a major sugar rush involved. LUKE: I hate this list. LORELAI: I know, but Michel and I made that list together, and we bonded, and that makes him happy. LUKE: I don't want to make him happy. LORELAI: If Michel's happy, then I'm happy, and then I take all that happiness and I give it right back to you, tonight, in bed, after you spend four hours with my parents. What do you say? LUKE: Can't parker do the list? LORELAI: No. GILMORE MANSION - DINNING ROOM [Luke is sitting where Rory normally sits] EMILY: Luke, you eat so little. LUKE: My motto is "everything in moderation." RICHARD: Smart. Very "Walden-esque". LUKE: But it's good, though. Everything's really good -- the duck p t especially. EMILY: Thank you. [The maid brings Lorelai a martini] Number three? LORELAI: Hmm? EMILY: The martini. LORELAI: It helps settle my stomach. EMILY: Gin? LORELAI: Absolutely. Helps counteract the oh-so-regrettable shrimp I had for lunch today. LUKE: Yeah, you mentioned that before. The shrimp did not agree with you. LORELAI: Might have to turn in early. Damn, that Al! EMILY: Al? LORELAI: Al's pancake world, where I had the shrimp. EMILY: You ate shrimp at a pancake house? Well, of course your stomach's unsettled. RICHARD: You should drink club soda. LUKE: I think we have some at the house. LORELAI: Yeah might have to cut the night a little short. EMILY: So you're living at Lorelai's house, Luke? LORELAI: Mother! EMILY: Is that so private? LUKE: No, we're in the process of consolidating things. RICHARD: Consolidating your assets? LUKE: Right. RICHARD: Tricky business. EMILY: Is that house big enough for the two of you? LORELAI: I've remodeled a little, added some space. RICHARD: Smart. LORELAI: Yeah, well, we're smart today. LUKE: Except when you ate that shrimp. LORELAI: Yeah, that was dumb. RICHARD: You've updated your coverage, I assume, let your insurance company know about the improvements? LORELAI: You're my insurance company, dad. RICHARD: For the inn, not your house. LORELAI: I haven't yet, but I will. RICHARD: You should do it soon. LORELAI: I'll do it tomorrow. LUKE: If you're feeling okay. LORELAI: Right RICHARD: Better not wait. Small gaps in your insurance coverage can lead to big mistakes. Oh, I could tell you horror stories. EMILY: Brian hunter. RICHARD: Yes. He owned a home for 40 years, huge mansion, never updated his coverage. One night, his trophy bimbo wife got into a drunken snit, lit a curtain on fire with her marijuana cigarette, and burned the place to the ground. He couldn't afford to rebuild. Lost his fortune, lost the bimbo. EMILY: Now he sells sunglasses out of the back of a van in California, cheap ones. RICHARD: Because he didn't update his coverage. [Turns to Luke[ What about your diner? LORELAI: What about it, dad? RICHARD: I'm just wondering if Luke's insurance is up to date. LORELAI: I'm sorry, did you invite us over to sell us insurance? Because if you did, I'm going to insist on seeing the complimentary desk calendar first. RICHARD: I'm simply inquiring. LUKE: I think I'm all up to date. RICHARD: What company are you with? LUKE: North trust insurance. I've known the guy a long time. RICHARD: Never heard of it. You sure he's legit? LORELAI: Of course it's legit. Come on, dad. RICHARD: Don't be naive. There are schemers about preying on the naive. EMILY: John Kendall. RICHARD: John was drinking at a party, met a fellow, switched all of his coverage to the guy, wrote him a huge check on the spot. Then he suffered earthquake damage, and there was no record of the insurance transaction. It was a scam. Now he's working at the gift shop at the Grand Ole Opry. EMILY: Horrid music. RICHARD: Sells cowboy shirts and toy banjos. LUKE: I've known my guy for a while. RICHARD: You been to his office, checked out his operation? LUKE: I just deal with him over the phone. RICHARD: Ah. LORELAI: What? EMILY: Hubert Lansing. RICHARD: Fell prey to a telephone scam running out of Estonia. Took his life with a track-and-field starter's pistol. LORELAI: On your mark, get set, die awkwardly. RICHARD: It's not funny, Lorelai. The fact is, both of you have significant assets, and both of you are targets. LUKE: Targets? LORELAI: How are we targets? EMILY: You own your home. LORELAI: So every homeowner is a target? EMILY: And an inn with a 26 Zagat rating. LORELAI: Okay, so that's two things. RICHARD: Two very valuable things. LUKE: The dragonfly is one of the highest-rated places in the area. EMILY: And Luke owns his diner and the building it's in and the building next door with the soda shop. That's another significant holding. LORELAI: Wait, did you put a P.I. On our tail or something? How do you know about Luke's real-estate holdings? RICHARD: Because he told me all about them when we played golf last year. LORELAI: You did? LUKE: Yeah. LORELAI: Who in the world would target us? RICHARD; Grifters, con men. They know all the tricks. EMILY: Joe Collins. LORELAI: Oh, my god, the two of you have more stories than Somerset Maugham. EMILY: Well, your father has seen it all. RICHARD: And I must say, your daughter coming out of left field raised a red flag. LUKE: My daughter? LORELAI: You think she's a Grifter? RICHARD: Of course not. EMILY: But the people around her could be. RICHARD: It's just that the timing is a little suspicious. EMILY: Right when Luke's about to marry a woman of means. LORELAI: I'm not a woman of means! RICHARD: Stars hollow real estate is skyrocketing. It's gone up 43% in the last 4 years. LUKE: It has. I heard that, too. 43%. LORELAI: That much? EMILY: This daughter of yours, you saw substantiation? LUKE: Well, there was a DNA test. RICHARD: That she performed herself, as I understand it. EMILY: Isn't that what you said? LORELAI: Yeah, but... LUKE: But her uncle helped her. RICHARD: And he's authorized to perform such a procedure? LUKE: I think so. EMILY: You never confirmed it? LUKE: I saw a picture of him, and he was standing right next to a microscope. RICHARD: Under the circumstances, I think it's best to take every possible precaution. EMILY: For our protection, as well. LORELAI: Your protection? RICHARD: We're all connected now. EMILY: You're our daughter, and come June 3rd, Luke will be our son-in-law. They could come after your assets, then Luke's assets, then our assets. RICHARD: We could be wiped out. LORELAI: So this is about protecting you. RICHARD: It's about protecting all of us. EMILY: We're all in this together. RICHARD: All four of us. EMILY: Get dessert ready, Leticia. Who wants coffee? RICHARD: Hmm. [Lorelai gives Luke a worried look, which Luke returns.] GILMORE MANSION - OUTSIDE FROND ENTRY [Luke and Lorelai exit the house, they look beat.] LUKE: I don't know if I can drive. LORELAI: Well, walk to the car. LUKE: Did you know real estate's gone up that much? LORELAI: Not that much. LUKE: My shirt is soaking wet. LORELAI: I got to start reading the business section. LUKE: I never knew there were so many horrible ways you could lose everything you own. LORELAI: Or con men. Con men! Are there really con men?! I thought they went the way of Vaudevillians and Trotskyites. LUKE: You've got to double, triple insure everything you own. LORELAI: I've got to learn more about umbrella policies. LUKE: Does Sookie know how much the inn has appreciated? LORELAI: I don't think so. LUKE: Because if they can come after her, they can go after you 'cause you're her partner. LORELAI: Or, when we get married, they can come after you because we're married. LUKE: And Sookie's married to Jackson, so they could go after his farm and all of his equipment. LORELAI: Maybe I should sit down with Sookie. LUKE: And I'll talk to Jackson. LORELAI: Or maybe we could do it at the same time because that way, [Gets mad] no, this is ridiculous. This is what Gilmore's do. They get in your freaking head, and they mess with it. LUKE: Oh, they're good at that. LORELAI: Forget Sookie and Jackson. They're responsible people. Dad does the inn. We're covered there. I just need to talk to my homeowner-policy guy. LUKE: And I'll talk to my guy. LORELAI: But in person, right? You should see his office. That's what the Hubert Lansing story taught us. LUKE: Or was it John Kendall? LORELAI: No, he's selling banjos in Nashville. LUKE: It was Hubert Lansing. LORELAI: So, in person. LUKE: Right. And I shouldn't worry about April. LORELAI: No. LUKE: Because if I was a guy hearing a story about what happened to me, the timing would sound suspicious. LORELAI: April's 12. She's not a con man. Though I know nothing about her mother. LUKE: Anna's cool. LORELAI: You know that for a fact? LUKE: Absolutely. The timing was weird, but this woman is very down to earth, very un-materialistic. I trust my gut, and my gut says there's nothing bad there. LORELAI: Okay, good. I trust your gut, too. [Sighs] I feel like I should run in there and yell at them about something. LUKE: About what? LORELAI: I don't know. That's what's stopping me. LUKE: What is this feeling, this tightness in the chest, this anger mixed with paralyzing weakness? LORELAI: You've been Gilmored. But you know what the weird thing is? They referred to us as family, you, me. LUKE: Yeah, what was that about? LORELAI: Well, I think in some twisted way, that may have been them actually validating us as a couple. LUKE: Wow, that is twisted and weird. LORELAI: Yeah. LUKE: [Sighs] Well, I think I can walk now. Can you walk? LORELAI: Yeah. LUKE: All right. Why did she say June 3rd? LORELAI: Oh, it's old information. They're always a step behind. LUKE: Right. Hey, which one was Somerset Maugham? RICH MAN'S SHOE - EXTERIOR [Chris exits and dials his cell phone] LORELAI: Hello? CHRISTOPHER: Lor, it's me. You busy? Can you talk? LORELAI: How come you have "I've got the government's secret microchip in my briefcase, and they're on to me" voice? CHRISTOPHER: Do I? Sorry. LORELAI: What's wrong? CHRISTOPHER: Nothing. I just finished having dinner with Rory. LORELAI: Oh, yeah. How did the tour go? Did she take you to stare at the old books? 'Cause that girl loves staring at the old books. CHRISTOPHER: Yes, we stared at the old books. The tour was great. I just...I have to tell you something. LORELAI: Okay. CHRISTOPHER: Now, I'm not sure whether I'm supposed to do this or not. Normally I wouldn't because it feels like a fink-out thing, but I think this falls under the parent thing, so that overrules the fink-out thing. LORELAI: Catch a wave, bud. You're drifting. CHRISTOPHER: Rory moved in with her boyfriend. LORELAI: What?! CHRISTOPHER: Rory moved in with her boyfriend, and she said she was gonna tell you, but I thought, in case she didn't, then I should tell you, so I did, and I feel like a fink. LORELAI: You're not a fink. When did this happen? CHRISTOPHER: Today. It was all very spur-of-the-moment. Hey, tell me about this guy. Do we hate him? LORELAI: What? CHRISTOPHER: Logan, do we hate him, am I supposed to hate him? LORELAI: No, you can feel however you want about him. CHRISTOPHER: Good, 'cause I think I like him. He's a cool guy. Great apartment. Funny. LORELAI: He's taken, Chris. CHRISTOPHER: I just wanted to make sure you didn't hate him before I committed to an opinion. LORELAI: You're entitled to your own take on him. CHRISTOPHER: What's yours? LORELAI: Hey, for me, the jury's out on all you guys. You can thank Brad Pitt for that one. CHRISTOPHER: Okay, so, anyhow, I told you. LORELAI: Yeah, you told me. Wow. Our little girl is living with her boyfriend. CHRISTOPHER: Yeah, I had that moment, too. It was during the onion brick, so I had a little distraction, but I had it. LORELAI: Yeah. [Call waiting beeps] Um, hey, hold on. Hello? RORY: Mom, it's me. LORELAI: Hey, you. Hold on a sec. [Changes line back] Chris, it's Rory. CHRISTOPHER: Okay, now, I did not tell you. Do not rat me out. When she tells you the news, you have to act surprised okay. LORELAI: Yes, I promise. It'll be like the time you told me you got Pat Benatar tickets for my birthday, but I knew because I went through your jeans looking for the clove cigarettes. CHRISTOPHER: You knew? LORELAI: Bye, Chris. [Switches call back] Hey, kid, what's going on? RORY: Not much. Having a bad reaction to an onion brick. LORELAI: What part of onion brick do you not understand? RORY: I gave dad his tour today. LORELAI: Yeah! RORY: It was nice. He saw the campus, we had dinner. LORELAI: Oh, how very "7th heaven" of you. RORY: Listen, I have some news, two pieces of news, actually. One is good, and one is, let's say, interesting. LORELAI: Oh, intrigue. RORY: Well, first, I was made the new editor of the Yale daily news. LORELAI: No, really? Rory, that's awesome. RORY: It is awesome. LORELAI: My god, I didn't even know you were up for the job. RORY: I wasn't, actually. It all kind of happened at the last minute. LORELAI: Hey, wasn't Paris the editor of the daily news? RORY: Yes, she was, which brings me to my next piece of news. LORELAI: Okay. RORY: Paris was ousted, and when she found out that I had taken her place, she kind of kicked me out of the apartment. LORELAI: Well, sure. RORY: So I had no place to live, and there were absolutely no apartments for rent anywhere near campus, so...I moved in with Logan. LORELAI: Wow, big news! RORY: Yeah. LORELAI: Well, jeez, tell me about his place. Is it nice? RORY: Uh, yeah, it's really nice. LORELAI: Where is it? RORY: The Taft building, right off campus, top floor. LORELAI: Top floor? Cool. Good view? RORY: Great view. LORELAI: Awesome. How many rooms? RORY: Dad told you, didn't he? LORELAI: Oh, come on, I was doing so well. RORY: Please. LORELAI: How did you know? RORY: Are you kidding me? "How's the view? Is his place nice?" You didn't call me Hester Prynne once. LORELAI: Don't be mad at him. He was just trying to do the dad thing. He hated it, by the way. RORY: I'm not mad. LORELAI: Good. RORY: [Sighs] So? LORELAI: So, what? RORY: So, what do you think of me moving in with Logan? LORELAI: I'm sorry, do you remember what happened the last time I piped in with my opinions on your life choices? RORY: Mom, come on. LORELAI: You don't want to make sure the pool house is clean first? RORY: Mom. LORELAI: Okay, well, moving in, that's pretty big. RORY: I know. LORELAI: I mean, I don't know. I've never lived with a guy. There's that whole thing about the cow and the milk's free. I guess I would hate to think that you really moved in with him because there was a housing shortage, because it's a big step. RORY: I love him. LORELAI: Well, I want you to be happy. RORY: I am happy, really happy. LORELAI: Okay, then. Congratulations. Big day. RORY: Thanks. LORELAI: You're gonna have to tell me how it is living with a guy before I let Luke move in. If it's too creepy, he may have to stay with Babette. [Paul Anka jumps up on the couch] RORY: I will. LORELAI: I've heard some horror stories about toilet seats you would not believe. RORY: Really? Do tell. Oh, but, wait, let me dim the lights and start the fire. LORELAI: You have a fireplace? RORY: Wood-burning. LORELAI: I don't think we can be friends anymore.

Lorelai's parents insist that Luke come to Friday night dinner, and she says yes without asking him. Paris is ousted as the editor of the "Yale Daily News", and the staff elects Rory as the new editor. In retaliation, Paris kicks Rory out of her apartment, and so Rory moves in with Logan. In other events, Michel confides in Lorelai. Rory gives her father a tour of Yale.

fd_The_Mentalist_02x23

fd_The_Mentalist_02x23_0

(night, terrace of a fancy restaurant. Giorgio's Italian Restaurant. Sacramento, California) (Jane and Frye seated at table) Jane: You clean up very nicely, if you don't mind me saying so. Frye: I don't mind you saying so. Thanks. You look... pretty much the same as you always look. Jane: Oh... good. This is my date outfit. Frye: Really? Frye: Is this your first date? I mean, um, since your wife died? Jane: Do I seem out of practice? Gerard (waiter): Hi. Jane: Hi. Gerard: Uh, my name's Gerard. I'll be your server this evening. Would you like to hear our specials? Frye (taking Gerard's left hand in hers): I'm sorry to interrupt, Gerard, but I'm getting a message from, uh, your mother. A Janette no, um, Janis. Gerard: Yes. Frye: Um... I'm sorry for your loss. She's happy now. And she wants you to know that she sends her deepest love. And, um... your Uncle... Ed says, "Roll Tide." Does that mean anything to you, Roll Tide? Gerard: My mother's brother Edward. He died five years ago. He was a tight end at Alabama in the '60s. Oh. Uh, they're called the Crimson Tide. Uh, that's their rallying cry- "Roll Tide." Frye: Oh. (Jane not happy, speaks up) Jane: Well, uh, I'd like to have the soup Du jour and the lamb, medium, and the arugula salad and the fish for the lady. Thank you. Gerard (taking the menu from Jane): Thank you. Gerard (taking the menu from Frye): Thank you. (Jane shakes his head) Frye: What? Jane: Oh, come on. Frye: You're so ferocious in your lack of faith. I mean, is it so hard to imagine that I'm not putting on an act? That...that I really am what I say I am? His mother sent a message. I'm meant to help. That's all. It happens to me all the time. Jane: Okay. I'm sorry. Roll Tide. (Jane toasts) (Van Pelt at the CBI office, she is preparing to leave when an alarm sounds on her computer, she sits down, tired with a sigh. Rigsby, filing papers, notices.) Rigby: Bad guys just keep on coming, huh? Van Pelt: I hate the Internet. Rigby: Listen, if you like, I can deal. You go. Van Pelt: No, it's okay. Van Pelt: It's just a Web alert for when a name we're interested in pops up. (she clicks on a video link on his screen. Sees the image, a surveillance camera, someone goes to a house, breaks in ...) Wayne? Rigby: What is it? Oh. Van Pelt: This is not good. Rigby: Relax, it's... it's just a hoax. It's staged, almost certainly. Van Pelt (goes into a bedroom, approaches the bed): Oh my god At the restaurant Frye: I didn't put... uh, no. Jane: Yes. Frye: No. No. You went to jail, really? Jane: Yes, I did. What's so hard to believe? Frye: For how long? Jane: I was there for two days and two very luxurious nights. Frye: Uh-huh. Yeah. And how'd you get out? Jane: I just escaped. Frye: Uh-huh. I don't believe you for one second. Jane: It wasn't... it wasn't that difficult. It's all timing. Frye (bursts out laughing): Uh-huh. Jane: I'm not kidding. Okay. Frye (still laughing): Huh. Jane: Excuse me. I have to go to the bathroom. (Jane asks Gerard where the bathroom is) Ah, thank you. (Jane retreats to the bathroom, rinses hands, dries them, turns his wedding ring on hisfinger, looks at it, throws the paper towels on the bin and exits, he returns to the restaurant terrace) Jane (on return from the restroom): Hey. (picks up his napkin from the chair) Kristina, um... (he seems sad, probably about to say that he'd prefer to go home) Jane (his phone rings): Oh. I'm so sorry. It's work. (he answers) Hello? Van Pelt (in the office): Jane, you need to come to the office. Right now. (On voit sur l' cran de Van Pelt, the face on the wall.) (We see Van Pelt's screen) (Rigsby puts her hand on Van Pelt's shoulder.) [ CREDITS ] CBI Office (On Van Pelt's computer screen, we see the girl wake up, see the intruder and scream) (Lisbon, Hightower Jane and Van Pelt look at the screen. Van Pelt speeds up the murder, we are left looking at the wall on the paused screen) Van Pelt: It was posted on the Internet an hour ago on a popular notice board. There's a message that goes with it. Van Pelt (reads the message): "I am becoming what I was meant to be. Your children's children will worship me." Van Pelt: We don't know when or where the video was made. Lisbon: There appears to be an '08 Silverado parked outside the house, so it's gotta be at least that recent. Hightower: Has Red John made video? Or issued statements like this before? Lisbon: No. Jane (thanks Frye who brings him a cup of tea in a blue cup, she has a mug.): Oh, thank you. Frye: Excuse me. Sorry to interrupt. Hightower: Oh. Hi, Kristina. Uh, good to see you. Frye: Yeah. That poor girl. Hightower: Yeah, yeah. Frye: For what it's worth, I'm getting a sense that she died very recently. Her body will be discovered very soon. She's near water. (Jane drinks his tea) Hightower: Does this feel like Red John to you? Frye: Uh, I'm not getting a read on that. The whole Internet aspect is interesting, though, isn't it? I mean, why put it up there? Lisbon: This clip's had over a million viewers. A desire for fame? Hightower: Patrick, you're being very quiet. What are you thinking? Jane: Uh, I'd have to see the crime scene. Rigsby: C. H.P. just reported a homicide in the Bay area. Smiley face on the wall. College student named Marley Sparrow. Roommate found her, called it in about a half-hour ago. Lisbon: Let's get ready to go. Frye (to Jane, while the others leave the office): Bay area? Jane: Uh, yes. That is close to water. That's, uh, that's uncanny. Hightower: Oh, come on. That's pretty good. Frye: I am feeling a strong connection to this case somehow. Jane: Madeline, can we have a word, please? Hightower: Yeah. Excuse us. Jane: She's gonna ask if she can come along with us. Now obviously, that's your call. But I hope that you refuse, because I won't work with her. I will quit. Hightower: What's your objection? If she can help us, why not? Jane: Nothing she says is more than clever guesswork. Hightower: So she has essentially the same skills as you, without all the drama. What's the deal? Jane: Red John is mine. Hightower: Okay. Okay, I hear you. Jane: Thank you. Frye: I'm sorry to interrupt. Jane (leaves the two women to discuss): Oh, please. Uh... Frye: Um, I was going to offer my services, but I get the sense Mr. Jane is telling you that he won't work with me. The last thing I want to do is upset this investigation, but if I have any more feelings about the case, could I call you? Hightower: Of course, Kristina. Always be glad to hear your thoughts. Have a good night. Frye: Thank you. (Jane joins Frye in the lift, cup of tea in hand) Jane: Listen, uh, I... Frye: I completely understand. No hard feelings. Jane: Okay. Frye: That was an unusual date, though, huh? Jane: Yes, very. Frye: Thank you. I'll see you soon, I hope. Um, would you... (hands him his mug, he takes it) Jane: oh, yeah, sure. (Frye approaches Jane and gave him a kiss on the left cheek.) Oh. Jane: Bye. (Frye enters, the doors close) Frye: Bye. The victim's house (Jane enters the victim's bedroom) Jane (to both scientists working): Guys give me a minute, please. Thank you. Jane (to the victim, raising the clear plastic that covers the body): Hey, Marley. We'll get this sorted out for you. (He walks around the room) Brett Partridge (bursting into the room): Hey, hey, Patrick Jane. Long time. So qu pasa, dude? My people need to do their thing. Jane: I won't be long. (Jane looks at the photos, objects ...) Brett Partridge: Oh. You hoovering up the, uh, ol' psychic ectoplasm? Jane: Yeah, that's exactly what I'm doing. Brett Partridge: We have a schedule to keep, amigo. Ticktock. Sooner you're done fooling around, sooner my people can find actual clues. Jane: She's from Iowa. She played the guitar. She liked dark chocolate, sudoku and snowboarding. Shy, but strong. Honorable, modest. Didn't drink or smoke. Parents died when she was very young. And after college, she wanted to go into family law and help foster kids like herself. Or become a singer. She hadn't made up her mind yet. Brett Partridge: Yeah, that's great, dude. But where's Red John? Jane: Oh, this wasn't Red John. Brett Partridge: So you say. Jane: So I say. Brett Partridge (to Jane, as he leaves the room): Jerk. Jane (snapping his fingers as he enters the room): Oh, make sure you have your people send those papers and journals to the CBI office. Brett Partridge: Will do. Jane: Thank you. (Jane leaves the room) University of Pacific Heights campus, Orinda, California (a chapel, students are there, one of them with a professional film camera) (Lisbon and Jane face a couple of students) Ruth: Marley was the best. The best person. A beautiful soul. Lisbon: Ruth you found her body, yes? When you entered your house, did you notice anything unusual before you found the body? Something missing or out of place? Ruth: No, I don't think so. Lisbon: How long had you been gone? Ruth: Two days, snowboarding. Marley was supposed to come, but then her boyfriend was coming over to see her, so she stayed. Lisbon: Boyfriend's name? Ruth: Grady Shipp. He's a policeman in San Francisco. They've been dating for, like, a month. Lisbon: Okay. What was he like? Nice guy? Ruth: Marley really liked him a lot. Said he was super nice but I don't know. We never actually met him. Lisbon: No? Ruth: She'd go to his place, mostly. And when he came by here, he'd wait for her in his car. Jane: Weird, no? Ruth: I think Marley was a bit embarrassed for hooking up with a cop, you know? Jane: Ah. Ruth: So she kept him on the down low. Lisbon: Embarrassed, why? Ruth: Marley was cool. And, well, cops are sort of nerds with guns, aren't they? Daylan: Ruth, hello? Ruth: No offense. Jane (laughs out loud): Sorry. In a university classroom. (Lisbon and a professor) Miss Ketchum (Professor of Criminology): Marley Sparrow? Yes, I was her academic advisor for two semesters. Nice enough girl, but not as clever as she likes to think she is. But none of 'em are, are they? Ha! Lisbon: Did you notice any changes in her behavior recently? Miss Ketchum: No. But nor do I pay close attention. They're all empty vessels to be filled with knowledge. Here is a horrible coincidence. Last semester, I taught a criminology elective. Murder, myth and marketing the serial killer as commodity. Red John was actually mentioned in our class discussions. Isn't that eerie? Lisbon: Who mentioned him? What'd they say? Miss Ketchum: Oh, damned if I know. It was eight or nine months ago. Lisbon: Do you have a student list from the class? Miss Ketchum: You know, I do. I do. Somewhere. I do... Lisbon: We would love toget a look at that list. Night - O'Reilley Tavern. 21 Larry's Golf. (Cho, Rigsby, Lisbon and Jane sit at table) Cho: So there's no Grady Shipp with any San Fran police agency. There's no Grady Shipp, period. Rigsby: There was a Grady Shipp once. He killed and ate his next-door neighbors in Little Rock back in the '90s. He was lethally injected by the state of Arkansas in '02. Lisbon: Huh. So Marley's boyfriend doesn't want anybody to see his face, and he named himself after a cannibal. That's two strikes against him. Cho: Shame we don't have a name or a description. Lisbon: The roommate, Ruth, said that he never got out of his car. Maybe we can get a make and model from her. Jane: Grady Shipp. In 1989, he did a 6-month spellin the same wing at Lompoc as Orval Tanner. Rigsby: Orval Tanner? Cho: Red John's friend. Lisbon (to Jane): You have the entire Lompoc prison registry in your head? Jane: Well, only the relevant sections. Lisbon: Wh-what does it mean? Is it a joke? (Jane looks at the TV screen. Journalist and Frye are sitting. Subtitles) "Jackie: I'm talking with well known psyc medium Kristina Frye." Cho: Marley's boyfriend is Red John. That doesn't make any sense. Jackie (the Journalist): "In the hunt for this beast known as "Red John." Frye: Well, he... he's not a beast, Jackie. He's a human being. Now he has done terrible thing but is still capable of redemption... like all of us. Frye (s'adresse a l' cran): Red John... If you're listening to us now, I urge you to reach out and get help. You can change. (written on the screen): you can step back into the light. (Jane is shocked, he gets up and runs out of the tavern. The 3 others do not understand until Cho, Lisbon look to the TV screen, the 3 are glued!) Hightower's Office Jane (to Frye): What the hell are you thinking?! Don't you understand who you're dealing with? Frye: I do understand, yes. Jane: No, you don't. Clearly, you don't understand. Hightower: I asked Miss Frye here so that I could fully express my deep dismay. Frye: I was speaking from the heart. Hightower: That may be, but you were also hustling for business. And that's okay, but you present me now with a problem. We don't have any obligation to protect you, but... Frye: I wasn't asking for protection. It's completely unnecessary. Red John is not coming after me. Jane: Are you blind? You've done exactly what I did. I went on television and talked about him as though I knew him, and he killed my wife and child. Frye: Patrick, he was punishing you because you lied about him. I was telling the truth. He won't take offense with me. He might even listen to what I said. In fact, I-I believe he will. People do change, Patrick. It's possible. Agent Hightower, I'm truly sorry for dismaying you. Now if you'll excuse me, I have some other appointments. (Frye exits the office) Jane (to Hightower): She needs 24 hour protection... the best that you can provide. Lisbon (to Rigsby, in the CBI corridors): The SAC P. D. special protection unit will provide security, the CBI will be on the inside, bodyguarding Miss Frye. Jane and I will take the first shift. The next 24 hour rotation will be split among us, alternating with the Sparrow case. Rigsby: Well, we're gonna have to stop protecting her sooner or later. That's when he'll go for her. He'll just wait. Lisbon (entrant dans le bureau): Van Pelt, what do you got? Van Pelt: We're looking for Grady Shipp, right? This is Marley's address book. (she holds pink address book) Rigsby: That's different writing. Maybe that's Grady Shipp himself. Van Pelt: Can I? Lisbon: Keep digging. Rigsby, take Cho with you. Check it out. Rigsby: Yeah, you got it. Rigsby and Cho get out of the car in front of 1327 E. Alta Loma, Oakland, California. (address contained in Marley's address book) Cho (through a padlocked gate): Hello? (Rigsby knocks, no answer, he opens it and both enter) Rigsby and Cho hear a noise coming from upstairs, they go up the stairs. Rigsby: Hello? (Up the stairs they take a left. A sofa, a table, a radio on it. In the middle of the room, a bucket.) Cho: Blood. Rigsby: Yep. (in the half-filled bucket of blood, a flat brush) Cho (approaching to look in the bucket): Pig's blood, maybe. Rigsby: For practice? (footsteps coming from above, a glass roof, suddenly a shot through it, Cho and Rigsby take cover before going to the pursuit of the intruder) Cho: Police! Stop! Police! Stop! After a chase in the building, the person escapes on a motorbike. Cho: I'll call it in. (Rigsby catches his breath and notices a camera lens cap on the floor) Cho: What is it? In front of a townhouse, in Sacramento: "pscychic healings by KristinA FRYE american board of medium ..." (Jane and Lisbon have just entered Frye's house) Jane: A lens cap. Interesting. Practicing the Red John symbol, and not just watching us pursue him, but filming the pursuit. Lisbon: What does it mean? Jane: It means Marley Sparrow's killerloves cameras. He's a voyeur... A fanboy, a slasher movie geek. Huh Rigsby and Cho listen to Jane by speaker phone. Rigsby: Great. But where does that take us now? Like in a car? Jane: Well, try the campus film club. Rigsby: All right. Jane: Nice place, huh? Tasteful. Lisbon: To me, it looks like we're about to pay way too much money to get our legs waxed. Jane: Hmm. Frye: Hi. I was just making some lunch. Would you like something to eat? Lisbon: Sure, thanks. Jane: I'm good. Thanks. Frye: Patrick, uh, on reflection, I'm truly sorry for the situation I put you in. I hadn't thought through your involvement. Jane: All right, I-I-I'll eat some lunch. Just please don't make a fuss. university library (Rigsby and Cho join Marley's teacher, Miss Ketchum) Cho: Miss Ketchum? Miss Ketchum: Oh, policemen. Okay. I knew I'd forgotten something. Uh... Okay. There it is. I thought for sure I'd sent that. Rigsby: Sent what? Miss Ketchum: Uhuh, the class list of the students in my criminology class. Your colleague had asked for it. Rigsby: And you're chair of the film club also? Miss Ketchum: I have that honor. You know what? I have the film club register here as well. Okay... Yes, yes. Would you like to see it? Rigsby: Yes. That would be, uh, good. Miss Ketchum: Okay. Ah, there you go. Miss Ketchum: Oh, how thrilling!Am I a suspect? Cho: And where were you Tuesday night, Miss Ketchum? Miss Ketchum: Oh, how thrilling! Am I a suspect? Cho: Are you? Miss Ketchum: Well... I'd like to think I can still summon that kind of passion. Rigsby: So where were you? Miss Ketchum: Home. Alone. Reading a murder mystery, actually. Cho: Now there's only one name onboth lists... Wesley Blankfein. Rigsby: Oh, wait. You just made a face. Miss Ketchum: Well, he is a sweet boy. Rather a good actor, actually. But, uh... strange. Rigsby: Strange? How? Miss Ketchum: I can't really put my finger on it. It's a look in his eyes. [SCENE_BREAK] City University corridor (the caretaker reacts to the sight of a photocopy of Wesley Blankfein's student card. "pacific heights. student id card. Wesley Blankfein. 109340983. barcode + color photo) Caretaker: Yep, that's him. I remember when he moved in. I mentioned to him he was a little older than most of our students, and he said he needed to escape from his mother. Which, uh, I thought was an odd response. Cho: And when did you last see him? Caretaker: Uh, three weeks ago... Excuse me. Uh, maybe. I figured he had a girlfriend. Rigsby: Nothin here. Dylan and Ruth arrivent dans le couloir. Caretaker: Oh, hey, Dylan. Rigsby: Oh, hey, you guys. Quick question. Cho: Now you guys said Marley's boyfriend waited for her outside in a car? Ruth: Yes. Cho: Do you recall what type of car he drove? Ruth: Um, it was black, I think. I'm bad with cars. Dylan: It was a... it was a black S. U.V. Rigsby: What car did Blankfein drive? Caretaker: Uh, he didn't have a car. Chez Frye. Lisbon: Huh. Okay. Try locating Blankfein's mother. Maybe she knows where he is. All right. Let me know. Wesley Blankfein's in the wind. Looks like he might be good for this. Frye: I don't think so. Marley made contact with me. The name "Blankfein" doesn't resonate. Lisbon: Marley made contact with you? Frye: Yes. Jane: Of course. Uh, I think we might have had enough of your crime-fighting skills, Kristina. Might be best to stick to the crystal therapy and the, uh... foot massages? Frye: Reflexology. Jane: Right. Reflexology. Lisbon (answers the phone): This is Lisbon. Agent Senton, FBI: Agent Senton, FBI Yeah, we got a case here in Lake Tahoe. Looks like your boy Red John. Victim's name is a Jacqueline Sandoval. You wanna come take a look? Frye: You can smile your arrogant smile and act like you know everything about everything, but you don't. There are whole worlds that you can't even begin to understand. Jane: Synchronized swimming is, uh, the only world that Springs to mind. But I'm sure you're right. There may be many others. Frye: What's the matter? Lisbon: Red John killed the woman who interviewed you. Frye: Oh, my God. (Jane looks as if to say, "I told you so!") Oh, my God. Lake Tahoe, Nevada (Jane is in the victim's room, the victim is covered with a yellow plastic sheet, he raises it, breaths faster, replaces it. Exits the room, the home, joins Lisbon) Jane: It's Red John, all right. Lisbon: Okay, uh, I'll reach out to the feds. I'll make sure they keep us in the loop. Jane: We gotta get back to Kristina Frye's place. Lisbon: There are cops all around her house. Van Pelt is with her, and there's other CBI agents on their way. She's safe. I am confident Red John's not gonna go there. Jane: That is exactly why he might. Lisbon: If he does, we'll get him. You really wanna hang out at Kristina's house, waiting for Red John to show up? Let's just go back to the office, and we'll work the Marley Sparrow case. Jane: There's nothing useful that I can do there. This Blankfein character... he looks good for it, right? Lisbon: Fine. Go and wait for Red John. It's not a good idea, though. (Lisbon s'en va and laisse Jane plant la) Jane: Hey, we're in Nevada. You can't just walk off and leave me here. Back in the CBI offices. Lisbon: Hey. Rigsby: Hey, boss. So Wesley Blankfein's mother is Myra Hauser-Blankfein. Address in Franklin heights. Cho: And she owns a black S. U.V. Like Grady Shipp drives. Lisbon: Good. Go check her out. Rigsby: Now? Well, it's a long drive. Lisbon: You leave now, you'll be there by the morning. (night, Jane arrives at Frye's, enters the house, a policeman opens the outside door, another the door) Jane: Grace, thank you. (Van Pelt gets up from the sofa and leaves the room, Jane walks towards Frye.) (to Frye) How you doing? Frye: I'm doing fine. Jane: Red John certainly made his point. Quite possibly, he'll leave things be now. Frye: I know he will. I have a clear vision of him. He needs to create fear, that's all. He's done that now, and he feels calm. Jane: Will you just stop that nonsense? You wanted to promote your psychic business, and...and you made a big mistake. Now will you just...will you please just own it?! Frye: Why are you here? Jane: I am here because I want to protect you. Frye: And how are you gonna protect me? If Red John comes through that door right now, what are you gonna do, hypnotize him? Jane: I will do what I need to do. Frye: If Red John wants to reach me, he will. I choose to believe that he doesn't want to. Now please, go away. Jane: I'm gone. (Jane marches off, Frye watches him leave) Day - Rigsby and Cho knocking on the door of a motel apartment. Madame Blankfein's Neighbor: Uh, you're wasting your time. Rigsby: Ma'am, we're looking for Mrs. Blankfein and her son. Madame Blankfein's Neighbor: Gone. And left the cats to starve. It's not right. Rigsby: Do you know where they went? Madame Blankfein's Neighbor: Uh, nope. Never leaves before. Never. Every day, 11:00, like a machine, she's watching her TV shows. Three days now I hear nothing. Quiet like the grave. Cho: How about her son Wesley? Have you seen him? Madame Blankfein's Neighbor: Nope. Gone, too. Cho: Did it occur to you that Mrs. Blankfein might be dead in there? Madame Blankfein's Neighbor: Yes, it did. But there'd be a smell, wouldn't there, if she was dead? Cho: Step back inside, please, ma'am. Rigsby: You good? Cho: Yeah. (They enter the apartment, a dozen cats meow) Rigsby: Bedroom's clear. (Cho opens a triptych mirror. Dozens of pictures of Marley, hearts drawn on it. Rigsby's face is drawn on the central mirror) Rigsby: Oh, jeez. Cho: "G. S." Grady Shipp. Rigsby: Bingo. CBI office (thetriptych mirror is on an easel, Rigsby, Cho and Lisbon look it) Rigsby: Inside the mind of Wesley Blankfein... A.K.A. Grady Shipp. Lisbon: Not pretty. Rigsby: What it looks like he's obsessed with Marley, so he builds a shrine and he fakes up all these photos of them together. Then he tries to turn the fantasy into reality, and posing as Grady Shipp, asks her out, and she says yes. Big mistake. Fantasy and reality collide, and she dies. Lisbon: Sounds about right. Where the hell is he? Uh, where's his mom? You didn't find anything useful in the apartment? No computer, nothing? Cho: No. A lot of cats. Rigsby: Now the pictures of Marley they were all taken at different times and places. The pictures of Wesley were all taken in the same place. Nowhere we've been. Maybe that's a safe house for him. Cho: Nothing to say where it is, though. Lisbon (to Jane, who is going round in circles): Jane, you wanna take a look? See if you see anything useful? Jane: Huh? Yeah, sure. If you like. Hmm. (Jane approaches the triptych and looks at length) Yep. Lisbon: And... Jane: There's a photo of Wesley with a sign in the distance... a yellow "kc" backward on a pole. His-his shadow is pointing right to it. (Cho shows the photo in question to Rigsby) Rigsby: Yeah. It's way small back there, but I see it. Jane: Yeah, that's the logo for Kenny's Chili, Southern California fast food chain. There's about 50 or so outlets. Rigsby: You memorize trademarks? Jane: Well, with Wesley's long shadow and the golden light, that would say afternoon. And sun is in the West, so that puts Kenny's due East of this location... about a block and a half, I'd say. Rigsby: Huh. He's right. Lisbon: 50 or so outlets? Jane: Hardware store and a liquor store on the block right next to it. That should narrow it down. Rigsby: I'll get on it. Lisbon: Thank you. Jane: Oh. No. Lisbon: You should make that call. Jane: What call? Lisbon: Right. Like I'm not a Detective, too? (Jane makes a call) (The image that appears during the call is a cove on the lake) Van Pelt: Hey, Jane. It's Grace. Kristina's taking a nap. I can get her for you if you l like. Jane: I'd appreciate that, Grace. Thank you. (Van Pelt, phone in hand goes upstairs to look for Frye, Jane is on the line, he hears everything.) Van Pelt: Kristina? Kristina, it's Jane for you. Van Pelt (to the policeman posted at the door of the Frye's room): Open the door. Kristi?? Kristina? Kristina?! (Jane at the end of the call sighs, closes his eyes, understands) Van Pelt: Kristina INT. CBI office (Lisbon, Cho, Van Pelt are sitting at the conference table) Cho: How did Kristina get past the guards? Lisbon: We don't know. But she also packed a bag, she took her passport and her credit cards, so we can assume she wasn't abducted. Jane: No, no, no, no. You, you, you can't assume. Red John could've gotten in and taken her. Lisbon: Maybe. But the likelihood is she panicked and ran somewhere to hide. Jane: Yeah. Or, or, or maybe he lured her out somehow. Lisbon: We'll check the phone records. Let's start contacting her relatives and friends. She's out there somewhere. Hightower: Forgive me, Agent Lisbon, but delay that order. The search for Kristina Frye will now be conducted by the missing persons unit. Jane: What? Hightower: They're the best at what they do. They will find her if she can be found. And, Van Pelt, snap out of it. Wasn't your fault. Van Pelt: Yes, ma'am, but... Hightower: Move on. All right. Where are we on the Marley Sparrow case? Lisbon: We have a suspect at large by the name of Wesley Blankfein. He's been obsessed with both Red John and Marley Sparrow. He seems to have created an alter ego by the name of Grady Shipp. It's after a killer with Red John connections. Hightower: Any leads? Cho: Well, off photos he took, we've id'd six possible locations for what we assume is Blankfein's safe house. Lisbon: It's pretty much a long shot, but it's all we have. Hightower: Okay. All right. Go to it. Lisbon: Let's start divvying up the locations. Cho, you take Riverside county. Bring Rigsby with you. Van Pelt and I will take the San Bernardino locations. Jane, you stay here. Take a break. Jane: I don't need a break. Lisbon: I think you do. Jane: I, I, I'd rather keep active. Lisbon: You're too hyped up to be out in the field. Jane: Oh, that's nonsense. Hightower: I agree with Lisbon. Get some rest. Jane: Some rest? Oh, just... Lie down and catch up on some z's. Kick back with a good book. Rest? I'm fine. Hightower: Debatable. Do you want me to ask the psych counselor for an evaluation? (Jane is sitting in a chair, facing the couch, right leg in motion, gets up, goes to the triptych looks at it, takes a picture, Wesley, outside an empty store. A Sacramento CBI car arrives in the city of Salinger Mill, California. Jane goes down, the photo in hand) Jane (crosses in front of a car): Sorry. (stands in front of the store, across the street an abandoned hotel. Hotel del Corona, 52 North, Esperanza) Lisbon (answering phone): Leave a message. I'll call you back. Jane: Lisbon, it's Jane. Uh, I found it. It's 52 north Esperanza. Hotel Del Corona in Salinger Mill. Uh, I am gonna... Uh, I, I'm gonna wait for you at, uh, Kenny's. Okay? Give me a call when you get this message. Thank you. (Jane hangs up the phone, returns to the Hotel Del Corona. Pushes open the door and enters, walks down 2 or 3 steps. A ceiling light come on, he looks up at the ceiling and receives a blow on the right side of his skull, he collapses unconscious) (We find Jane bound on a chair. A shadow passes by) Unknown: Welcome, Detective. Wesley (we see his face): I'm Grady Shipp. So good of you to come visit me. You're a lucky man. Very lucky. Tonight... You will have the dying honor... Wesley (to someone obviously behind Jane): Can we do that again? Tonight... You will have the honor of dying (Jane tries to look behind him) as a sacrifice to the Holy master, Red John. (Wesley heats the blade of his knife on a lighted candle) Behold... The blood sacrament of the master. (Wesley approaches Jane) Jane: Stop. You wanna try that again? Wesley: Huh? Jane: Just t-try it again. Uh, say it like you mean it. You know, where's the passion gone? Wesley: Behold the blood sacrament of the master. Jane: Oh, n-n-no. I'm not, I'm not. I'm not buying it. Come on. Just, just stoffor a second and think, think about what you're doing here, and then we'll start again from the top, okay? Wesley: Uh... (looking behind Jane for help) Jane: It's all right, Wesley. I know what's going on. They've got your mother, don't they? Wesley: Yeah. How'd you know? Jane: They're forcing you to play a part in their sick little movie. Wesley: Yes. Jane: You're playing the part of Grady Shipp, right? Wesley: Yes. Jane: It's okay. It's okay. Dylan! Ruth! We need to talk. Dylan (approaches Jane): Thank you very much for totally ruining a freaking brilliant scene, you jerk. Ruth: Hush, Dyl. How did you know it was us? Jane: Well, you were the only people that mentioned Grady Shipp. He was your creation. And it was you that killed Marley, wasn't it, Dylan? Wesley couldn't hurt a fly. It was a truly sick individual that did that. Ruth: It was me, actually. Jane: Oh. Ruth: Dyl's much better with the camera, and Marley... Deserved what she got, pious little bitch. (to Dylan) Keep the camera running. This is all good stuff. Jane: No offense, but you wouldn't know good stuff if it smacked you in the face. This is just a corny slasher movie. Dylan: Yeah, but real, dude. Real blood. Real guts. Yours. Wesley, let's, uh, wrap this scene up now, okay? Gonna pick it up right at the end, "behold the blood, " and cetera, and then stab this sucker, okay? Wesley: I don't know. Jane: That's it. Dylan: What? Wh what are you, not-no! Okay, this-this man is dead. Okay, the only question is whether you and your mom want to live or you want to die like him, okay? That's your choice here. Jane: These people are nuttier than a fruitcake. They're gonna kill you regardless. You don't have to do this. Ruth: We are not monsters, Wesley. We're artists. We are making art. When the movie's done, of course you and your mom are free to go, with our gratitude for your help. Jane: Stay calm. Dylan: "Behold the blood." Wesley. Wesley: I'm sorry. Jane: Wesley. Wesley, Wesley, hey. Behold... (Wesley leve le couteau vers Jane qui se penche sur son cot gauche pour essayer de l' viter) (Wesley raises the knife to Jane tries to avoid) Wesley: The blood sacrament... Jane: No, Wesley. No. It's okay. Wesley Wesley: (raising the knife over Jane): Of the master! Jane: Wesley! (Shots ring out and we see Dylan and Ruth fall, the gun is aimed at Wesley, he was shot on the left. We see a black dressed figure, pointed hood, Jane panics, he tries to free himself. Ruth is still alive, the character approaches her, she begs) Red John: If there's one thing I can't tolerate, it's cheap imitations of my work. (Ruth beckons him, meanwhile Jane tries desperately to escape ending up tipping the chair. He lands on his right, he is afraid. Wesley saw the arrival of the character in front of him, he breathes heavily) Red John (to Jane): Do you know who I am? Jane: Yes. Red John, pushes the chair upright, puts his face, wearing a horror mask, to 4" from Jane who looks him in the eye) Red John (still 4" from Jane's face): "Tiger, tiger, burning bright... In the forests of the night, what immortal hand or eye could frame thy fearful symmetry?" (Jane has difficulty breathing, mouth closed, Red John moves to the right, Jane breathes a little easier) (Suddenly a black-gloved hand lands on his left shoulder) Jane: Ooh! Red John: I almost forgot. Kristina, would want me to send her love. She's very fond of you, despite your differences. Roll Tide! (gives 2 pats on Jane's shoulder) (still in the room, Jane catches his breath, thinking, smiling) Two days later - the CBI offices. (Jane is sitting on his couch, thoughtful) Lisbon: You okay? Jane: Yeah, I'm fine. Lisbon: You're sure he said nothing? Nothing at all? Jane (heavy sigh): Nothing. (Lisbon leaves Jane. He has this little smile of one who has just realized something) (Jane opens the door of his room, sits down on his makeshift, a diary in his right hand) Jane: "Tiger, tiger, (stretches) "burning bright... In the forests of the night, what immortal hand or eye could frame thy fearful symmetry?" (still smiling, he closes his eyes) (Jane lies on his bed topped by the "signature" Red John, like a recumbent figure of rebirth)

When the CBI team conduct an investigation into a murder by a Red John copycat who posted a snuff film on the Internet of a student being killed, Jane convinces Hightower not to let his psychic friend, Kristina Frye, help in the case. However, Frye is put in grave danger when she reaches out to the real Red John and then tries to contact him by appearing on TV. Her actions have dire consequences for both her and Jane, as Red John kidnaps Kristina and then saves Jane from the copycat.

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INT. TELEMARKETING CALL CENTER (SFX: TELEMARKETERS B.G.) SALESWOMAN: Hi. This is Alison and I'd like to tell you about our special new program. Hello? KESTA: Hi, Petty Officer Lambert? LAMBERT: (V.O./FILTERED) Yeah. KESTA: Hi, my name is Roland Kesta. I'm calling on behalf of Thrifty Phone Services. LAMBERT: (V.O./FILTERED) I've thought it over and I don't think I want to change my phone service. KESTA: That's what most people say until they hear how much we can save them on long distance calls. LAMBERT: (V.O./FILTERED) Well, I don't make many long distance phone calls, okay? Did you hear that? KESTA: What? LAMBERT: It sounded like glass breaking in the kitchen. KESTA: No. Our long distance service is exactly the same as A T and T, Sprint, S-B-C, except we can save you... LAMBERT: (V.O./FILTERED) Hey, who the hell are you? KESTA: The man who's going to save you forty percent on your long distance calls, Sir. Um... there's no contract to sign. (SFX: FILTERED STRUGGLE B.G.) (SFX: LAMBERT SCREAMS B.G.) KESTA: Petty Officer Lambert? (MUSIC OUT) (THEME MUSIC UP OVER OPENING TITLE/SCENES/ CREDITS AND OUT) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. SQUAD ROOM - DAY "DOPPLEGANGER" KATE: Last time I'm going to tell you, Tony. Don't answer my phone, use my computer, read my mail, look through my purse, scan my PDA or touch my cell phone. Ever! TONY: (INTO PHONE) And an extra side of hash browns. (TO KATE) Just so we're clear, Kate. I didn't do any of those things. Zero. Zip. Nada. KATE: Then how did you know where I went to breakfast? MCGEE: Logo on the coffee cup in your wastebasket. TONY: Anyone invite you into this conversation, Probie? KATE: You looked through my trash! TONY: Did you say it was off limits? Huh? Did you? KATE: Why are you doing these things? TONY: Sharpening my investigative skills. GIBBS: Grab your gear. KATE: What's up? GIBBS: A dead sailor. KATE: We didn't get any calls. TONY: Saw it on the news. Huh, Boss? GIBBS: Hey, DiNozzo. For once you're right. Come on. Let's go! [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. STREET - DAY GIBBS: Who's in charge here? DETECTIVE: Lieutenant Cheney, Sir. CHENEY: Finish this in ten. GIBBS: Lieutenant Cheney? Special Agent Gibbs, NCIS. CHENEY: You must be psychic, Gibbs. I just put in a call to NCIS. GIBBS: Oh, not psychic. Just watched the news. CHENEY: They monitor our radio calls. Chief says cooperate with the news media. GIBBS: Budget hearings time? CHENEY: You got it. GIBBS: What do we have here? CHENEY: Not sure yet. GIBBS: News said a sailor was murdered. CHENEY: Maybe. Kitchen door is broken in and judging from the blood, it could be murder. GIBBS: No body. CHENEY: No body. Miller? MILLER: Yeah, boss? Right away, boss. CHENEY: We got a nine-one-one from a telemarketer. Said he was talking with a Petty Officer Dion Lambert when he heard a struggle and the line went dead. Call was traced here. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY RAND: Lieutenant, your ex-wife just called. CHENEY: Which one? RAND: The nasty one. CHENEY: You're going to have to be more specific. KATE: This is too weird. MCGEE: Definitely. TONY: Good weird. RAND: You want me to call her back? CHENEY: No. Next time one of my ex's calls, get her name. MILLER: Lieutenant. CHENEY: Unless you object, this is yours. GIBBS: No objection. CHENEY: Let's go, Rachael. TONY: Hey Rachael. I'm Tony. If you want to get together and compare notes? RAND: What's your shoe size? TONY: Twelve. RAND: You wish! (RAND WALKS O.S.) TONY: No, it is! It really is! You can measure it if you want! GIBBS: DiNozzo! TONY: Yeah, boss? GIBBS: Trace evidence, bag and tag. Kate, sketch and shoot. McGee, lap top and answering machine. MCGEE: Right. KATE: That was really odd. GIBBS: Hm... what? KATE: You know, how you and him and... never mind. Tony, have you seen my sketch pad? TONY: Yes, it's in the truck under my seat. KATE: Under your seat?! How did it-- ?! TONY: I like those pants. [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. HOUSE - DAY MONTELEONE: (V.O.) Take care of that for me.(SFX: KATE BUMPS INTO MONTELEONE) KATE: Sorry. MONTELEONE: Wow. You know, your eyes are the same color as my Porsche. KATE: You've got to be kidding. MONTELEONE: What do you say we have dinner? KATE: Why bother with preliminaries? MONTELEONE: Ah, now who's kidding? You serious? CHENEY: She's not, but I am. Come on, Monteleone. (SFX: CAR DOORS OPEN) RAND: Shot gun! MONTELEONE: Get in the car, Probie. KATE: It's d ja vu. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. CALL CENTER - DAY KESTA: (V.O./FILTERED) There's no contract to sign. (SFX: TAPED STRUGGLE/ SCREAMING B.G.) KESTA: (V.O./FILTERED) Uh... Petty Officer Lambert? GIBBS: How many calls a day do you make? KESTA: Somewhere between three and four hundred. KATE: Do you ever feel guilty calling people uninvited, intruding into their lives? KESTA: At first a little. When you get cursed at a couple hundred times, you get over it. GIBBS: Why'd you keep selling when you knew something was very wrong? KESTA: My boss doesn't want us to stop selling for any reason. He's got the compassion of a cluster bomb. GIBBS: How did you get Petty Officer Lambert's number? KESTA: From a list broker. KATE: How'd he get on the list? KESTA: I don't know. A magazine subscription, warranty cards, supermarket charge. KATE: Supermarket charge? KESTA: Why do you think they give you those little key tags they scan when you check out? KATE: For discounts! KESTA: It's to collect information. They sell it to telemarketers. What brands you buy. How much. How often. KATE: Isn't that against the law? KESTA: Anytime you write your name down, it's going in somebody's database and then being sold to somebody else. KATE: Wow. Okay, well I'm going to need your work, cell, and home numbers. KESTA: All right, but please don't call between six and eight, because that's usually... KATE: You said six and eight, right? [SCENE_BREAK] INT. SQUAD ROOM - DAY GIBBS: Tell Abby I want a full acoustical analysis. MCGEE: Uh... boss, you know that she's working on Petty Officer Lambert's hard drive, answering machine and all the crime scene evidence. GIBBS: Then help her, McGee! MCGEE: Yes, boss. TONY: You really think it's a good idea for Probie to be alone with - I was going through Lambert's papers. KATE: Something you're very good at. TONY: There's a second name on the lease. George Mansur. KATE: There is no sign of a roommate in that house, Tony. TONY: Well roommate's move out, Kate. Sixteen months ago you had a roommate. KATE: Tony! GIBBS: Kate, you're with me. KATE: Gladly. GIBBS: Tony, find Mansur. TONY: On it, Boss. (MUSIC OVER ACTION/TONY READS KATE'S PHONE) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. OUTER LAB - DAY ABBY: The only blood type at the scene was O-positive. KATE: Petty Officer Lambert's O-positive. ABBY: It's the most common blood type there is. I shipped a DNA sample to the Armed Forces Registry. GIBBS: The fingerprints we lifted his? ABBY: Your missing corpse is Petty Officer Lambert. GIBBS: Unidentified prints? ABBY: I have not had time to run all the prints that you lifted yet. GIBBS: Blood-splatter analysis? ABBY: Okay Gibbs, I know you think I'm Super Girl - actually, my hair's probably Wonder Woman or Isis or the Power Puff girl. KATE: I've always been partial to Xena. ABBY: I don't know about her. No self-respecting superhero should wear open-toed shoes. KATE: Oh, I agree. MCGEE: (V.O.) He erased his hard drive. ABBY: No problem. MCGEE: He used a D-O-D certified wipe program. ABBY: Uh-oh. KATE: Uh-oh doesn't sound good. ABBY: It's not. A D-O-D wipe not only deletes, but it overrides seven times. MCGEE: There's no way to recapture the information, Boss. GIBBS: Why would he use something like that on his home computer? MCGEE: Well, he's an information systems tech and it could just be a matter of course or he could be... GIBBS: Hiding something. He wipe his answering machine? MCGEE: No. There were two calls. One yesterday from Blockbuster Video - late returning Happy Gilmore. And one two days ago from Thrifty Phone Services. GIBBS: All right, let's hear it. (TO ABBY) You, blood splatters. ABBY: (SINGS) Yo ho heave ho. BROUGH: (V.O./FILTERED) Petty Officer Lambert, my name is Dennis Brough. I'm calling on behalf of Thrifty Phone Services. How would you like to cut-- GIBBS: That's it? MCGEE: He must've picked up. GIBBS: If they called him two days ago. Why call him back? Dennis Brough, Kate. KATE: Got it. GIBBS: Acoustics analysis? MCGEE: Yes. On that next, Boss. (MUSIC OVER MONTAGE OF LAB WORK SCENES) ABBY: Who was that who said always expect the unexpected? GIBBS: Me. ABBY: Well, you're right again. MCGEE: Boss, you sure are! ABBY: McGee, you're about to interrupt unbelievable news. MCGEE: Abby, trust me. My news is much more unbelievable. KATE: Gibbs, you're never going to believe what I found! MCGEE: Kate, hold on one second. ABBY: No! KATE: This is really, really important. MCGEE: Abby, hold on, okay? (SFX: ALL TALK OVER) (SFX: WHISTLE) GIBBS: Hey! Abby? ABBY: Okay, this is the blood trail found on Petty Officer Lambert's kitchen floor. Notice anything hinky? GIBBS: Yeah, they're passive drops. ABBY: Exactly. Created by the force of gravity acting alone. In blood trails the shape of drops are affected by gravity and movement. The tail always points in the direction of travel. GIBBS: There was no movement when the blood dropped. ABBY: Nope. Somebody stood there, dropped some blood, took a step, dropped some blood, took a step, dropped some blood GIBBS: McGee! MCGEE: The acoustical analysis of the phone call indicates that the fight sounds were unidirectional. I overlaid Kate's sketch of the crime scene and found the source to be Petty Officer Lambert's computer. They were sound effects, boss. GIBBS: Okay. Kate. KATE: I spoke to Dennis Brough from the Thrifty Phone Service. He's home with the flu. His supervisor gave Dennis' lead to Roland Kesta. GIBBS: Petty Officer Lambert asked that telemarketer to call him back. KATE: Between eight and twelve last night. GIBBS: Our Petty Officer faked his own murder. (CUT TO BLACK) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. SQUAD ROOM - DAY GIBBS: We have one advantage over Petty Officer Lambert. He doesn't know we know he's still alive. KATE: I'll flag his accounts. Bank, credit, ATM, e-mail. TONY: Kate, this mojo faked his own death. Left his laptop, wallet, cell phone, and car behind. Do you really think he's going to swipe the old charge card at the local Jugs-Are-Us? GIBBS: Tony's right. TONY: Thanks Boss! GIBBS: You check it anyway, Kate. You never know. If Tony does find his ex-roomie, check his accounts, too. TONY: I'm zoning in on him. GIBBS: Yeah? You locate him? TONY: Not yet, but I've got his driver's license. Federal Tax Return, too. He's a freelance computer geek. Made six figures last year. MCGEE: Wishing you were a computer geek, Tony? TONY: I'd rather be homeless than be you, Probie. GIBBS: That's an old address. Same as Petty Officer Lambert's. TONY: He's depreciating a ninety three Hyundai on his return. MCGEE: How can you depreciate a car that old? TONY: More important question. Why would a guy pulling down six figures a year drive a car that old? GIBBS: Only one way to find out. TONY: Find him and ask him. Which I am trying ... going to do! GIBBS: McGee, you're with me. MCGEE: Where are we going, Boss? GIBBS: To talk to Petty Officer Lambert's shipmates. MCGEE: He's not on a ship, Boss. Oh, sorry. You were using a military euphemism. GIBBS: You think? MCGEE: So you mean Bethesda Hospital Computer Center. GIBBS: You speak their language. MCGEE: You mean I'm going to interview them? GIBBS: I interview, you translate. Come on! [SCENE_BREAK] INT. HOSPITAL COMPUTER CENTER - DAY WILSON: Lambert's U-A for one day, NCIS is investigating? GIBBS: Do you have a problem with that, Petty Officer Wilson? WILSON: No, Sir. GIBBS: What was Petty Officer Lambert's job? WILSON: He was developing a new code base for enterprise resource and planning. The application will be able to support medical multi-processing and scalable architecture up to eight terabytes of data. MCGEE: Wow! Phew! (TO GIBBS) He was writing a new computer program as part of an overhaul and update to the Naval medical computer system. GIBBS: Anything sensitive? WILSON: A person's health information is very sensitive, Sir. GIBBS: National security sensitive, Petty Officer. WILSON: We have a circuit base gateway, Sir, which applies a security mechanism anytime there's a U-S-D or T-C-P connection established. Once that connection's been made, packets can travel between hosts without further checking. MCGEE: No. WILSON: Petty Officer Lambert's fit-reps were above standard, Sir. He was just a regular guy. GIBBS: Our definition of regular might be different. MCGEE: One man's Linex is another's O-S two. WILSON: I hear that. MCGEE: Sorry. GIBBS: Any recent changes in his behavior, attitude? WILSON: No, Sir. Well, take that back. A few days ago he seemed jumpy. I tapped him on the shoulder to talk about the performance degradation in the application gateway, and he about came out of his chair. MCGEE: He was.... nervous. GIBBS: Yeah, I got that, McGee. MCGEE: Okay. GIBBS: I'm going to need...I'm going to need copies of all this stuff. MCGEE: Uh... access to the source codes, flow charts, and the logical processes involved in the application. WILSON: Not a problem, Sir. WILKERSON: Special Agent Gibbs? Karen Wilkerson. Petty Officer Wilson's supervisor. GIBBS: You're late. WILKERSON: We were making a software change-over. It's been crazy. GIBBS: Hmm. (TO MCGEE) Get copies of what we need, McGee. MCGEE: Right, Boss. GIBBS: Tell me about Petty Officer Lambert. WILKERSON: (V.O.) Not a lot to tell. Good guy. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. CORRIDOR - DAY WILKERSON: Hard worker. First one in in the mornings, usually the last to leave. Volunteered to work weekends. GIBBS: Yeah. You work weekends? WILKERSON: Not if I can help it. Why is NCIS investigating a sailor who's missed one day of work? GIBBS: He's UA, Miss Wilkerson. WILKERSON: It's not like he missed a deployment. GIBBS: Petty Officer Wilson says he seemed jumpy lately. WILKERSON: Well, he'd be in a better position to know that than me. Petty Officer Lambert and I didn't have much day-to-day contact. You work weekends, Special Agent Gibbs? GIBBS: If I need to. WILKERSON: Why do I feel you need to a lot? (GIBBS LAUGHS) WILKERSON: Anything else? I have to get back to work. GIBBS: Not at the moment. WILKERSON: Well, if there is, I'll make myself available. Even on the weekend. Oh, might even be on time. GIBBS: Wow. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. SQUAD ROOM - DAY KATE: Enough, Tony. I have nothing to hide. TONY: Really. For someone with nothing to hide, you seem awfully concerned about what other people know about you. KATE: Why? Because I get upset when you go through my personal belongings? TONY: Exactly. KATE: Well, Tony, some people enjoy having a private life. Unlike you, we don't go around informing everyone about the frequency of our... hooking up. TONY: In a slump? KATE : Gibbs. Mansur withdrew six thousand from his bank account the week before he moved out. TONY: He's also moved three times in the last six years. This last time he didn't file a change of address at the post office. Thank you. GIBBS: Whatever the hell this is, they're in it together. TONY: Yeah, well... what is... whatever the hell this is? GIBBS: Find Mansur. TONY: Yes. And we'll find out. I know, Boss. I'm trying. GIBBS: Try harder. TONY: Right. KATE: You know, Gibbs, maybe Lambert faked his own death to get out of the Navy. You know, wanted to make a few bucks like his roomie. GIBBS: Not likely. His enlistment was up in five months. McGee! MCGEE: Yeah, Boss. GIBBS: Check with Abby. Find out how she's doing with that stuff you brought in. MCGEE: Right. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. LAB - DAY MCGEE: This should help keep you awake. ABBY: Thanks. I must have looked at a hundred thousand lines of code. Is it possible to die of boredom? MCGEE: No. ABBY: How can you be sure? MCGEE: Well, because I had Professor Birnbaum for Economics. Believe me, his class makes staring at a monitor seem like Mardi Gras. ABBY: I don't know. This really sucks. MCGEE: I'll tell you what sucks. Working after school as a burnt potato-chip picker. ABBY: You're making that up. MCGEE: Have you ever seen a burnt potato chip in a bag of potato chips? ABBY: Hm... now that you mention it. MCGEE: Sat next to a conveyer belt, air choked with oil, watching cooked potato chips fly by. I would pick up the burnt ones while trying not to get motion sickness. ABBY: Incinerator operator. Burning medical waste at two thousand degrees. Body parts, body waste. MCGEE: Summer between freshman and sophomore year, I was a porta potty cleaner. It was the hottest summer on record. ABBY: Ski lift operator; Alberta. Negative forty-four degrees Fahrenheit. MCGEE: Cleaned asbestos. ABBY: Collected road kill. MCGEE: Tie? No? Okay, before I joined NCIS... ABBY: Is that what I think it is? MCGEE: Depends.... what you think it is. ABBY: The reason Petty Officer Lambert faked his own murder. (PASSAGE OF TIME) (SFX: ELEVATOR DINGS/DOORS SLIDE OPEN) MCGEE: Petty Officer Lambert was part of the team that was updating the Navy's medical computer system. He'd been working on it almost two years. ABBY: Did you tell him? MCGEE: No. Saved the best for you. ABBY: Oh, thanks, McGee! You know how I relish the moments... GIBBS: Stop relishing. Start explaining it. ABBY: Okay. Geez, Gibbs. Five months ago Petty Officer Lambert buried a simple command in the program to send him drugs. MCGEE: Lots of drugs. ABBY: McGee! MCGEE: Sorry. ABBY: For every three hundred and thirty seven prescriptions, one was written for him. It's ingenious in its simplicity, Gibbs. GIBBS: What kind of drugs? MCGEE: Painkillers; Percocet, Vicodin, Oxycontin... ABBY: Oxycontin is twice as addictive as heroin. It's more addictive than pistachios. (BEAT) Well, have you ever just eaten one pistachio? MCGEE: Actually, I have. Potato chips, on the other hand...(BEAT) Uh... the Navy writes a lot of prescriptions. So the amount that he was getting, there's no way it was for personal use. ABBY: In the last eight months eighteen thousand Oxycontin pills, twelve thousand Percocet, nine thousand Vicodin. MCGEE: Legal price for an eighty milligram Oxycontin is six dollars. GIBBS: Street price is sixty five to eighty. ABBY: On the Oxycontin alone, he made a million bucks. MCGEE: Cash. GIBBS: Petty Officer Lambert is long gone. ABBY: I would be. (CUT TO BLACK) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. HOSPITAL COMPUTER ROOM WILKERSON: Three lines of computer code buried among millions. I'm amazed you found it. MCGEE: I didn't really. It was Abby Sciuto. She's a whiz at codes. GIBBS: You never suspected Petty Officer Lambert of abusing his access to the Navy drug system? WILKERSON: Not until you showed up. When NCIS investigates a sailor who's been U-A one day, there's something wrong. After you left, I had Petty Officer Wilson run a check on Lambert's computer. WILSON: I never caught this. Sciuto must be hot. WILKERSON: What made you suspicious, Agent Gibbs? GIBBS: A murder that didn't happen. Your Petty Officer faked his own death. He wanted us looking for his body instead of him. MCGEE: We'd have done it, too, if Abby hadn't found the hinky blood trail. WILSON: I've got to meet this woman. MCGEE: You know, she's uh... she's probably not your type. Uh... Tats, piercings, dark make up. WILSON: Goth. MCGEE: Yeah. WILSON: I love Goth! GIBBS: Thieves are just like gamblers. They never quit when they're ahead. Why would Petty Officer Lambert? WILKERSON: In five days, the new software system goes online. He must have been afraid it would pick up his scam. WILSON: Got it! He had his prescriptions sent to box seven eighty one, Mailboxes Etcetera, Fourteenth Street. GIBBS: McGee, you two keep pulling Lambert's scripts. See if any are in the pipeline. MCGEE: Happy to, Boss. GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) Lieutenant Cheney, Special Agent Gibbs. OPERATOR: (V.O./FILTERED) One moment, Sir.(SFX: KNOCK ON WINDOW) WILSON: So tell me more about this Abby. MCGEE: You know, I can't work and talk, okay? [SCENE_BREAK] INT. COMPUTER OFFICE - DAY WILKERSON: Think you'll find him? GIBBS: Usually do. (INTO PHONE) Hey Cheney. It's Gibbs. CHENEY: What do you got? GIBBS: Our missing Petty Officer siphoned thousands of opiates from the Navy drug program. Ring any bells? My office. One hour. (TO WILKERSON) Do you like boats? WILKERSON: Sail or power? GIBBS: Sail. WILKERSON: I love to sail. This weekend? GIBBS: Um... um... I'm still building her. WILKERSON: Which marina? GIBBS: My basement. WILKERSON: Oh, of course. Saturday. GIBBS: If I can find Lambert by then. WILKERSON: Well, what are you doing standing here, Agent Gibbs? GIBBS: Jethro. WILKERSON: Jethro? [SCENE_BREAK] INT. SQUAD ROOM - DAY MCGEE: Two black coffees, and two grande triple-pump half-caf vanilla lattes. MILLER: Cheers. MCGEE: Right. MILLER: No, mine's the one with the extra foam. MCGEE: Sorry. CHENEY: So Gibbs, I've had my eye on this one guy. He's a lobbyist. Went from dealing to a few friends to supplying the Beltway with illegal painkillers. GIBBS: Well, syncs up. CHENEY: Miller. MILLER: Yes. Just a second. MCGEE: Here, let me help you. (SFX: COFFEE SPILLS) MILLER: My fault. MCGEE: No, it was mine. MILLER: No, I should have been more careful. MCGEE: Not a problem. Not a problem. GIBBS: McGee! CHENEY: Miller! MCGEE AND MILLER: (IN UNISON) Sorry, Boss. CHENEY: Aaron Alan Wright. GIBBS: Ever busted? CHENEY: Once. Dealing to his frat brothers at Syracuse. Got probation. GIBBS: Why haven't you busted him? CHENEY: I want the other end of his pipeline. If I bust him, his supplier just finds another dealer. GIBBS: He's soft. Want to bring him in here for a chat? CHENEY: Have Monteleone and Rand pick up Wright. Deliver him here. MILLER: Sure, Boss. MCGEE: Is that the seventy two twenty? MILLER: It's the seventy two thirty. MCGEE: Sweet. MILLER: Yeah. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. INTERROGATION ROOM - DAY GIBBS: Petty Officer Dion Lambert. AARON: Sorry, never heard of him. GIBBS: A Navy computer geek. Steals painkillers from the Government. AARON: What does a swabbie stealing painkillers have to do with me? CHENEY: He sells them to you. You sell them to your beltway clients. ARTHUR: This really is a waste of time. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. OBSERVATION ROOM - DAY ARTHUR: I've advised my client not to answer your questions, and he won't. MONTELEONE: That is beautiful. TONY: Franck Muller Conquistadore. MONTELEONE: Seventy eight hundred retail. TONY: Yeah. You know that guy paid retail. Look at him. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. INTERROGATION ROOM - DAY CHENEY: We've known you've been dealing for months. AARON: Really. Then why did it take you this long to call me in? GIBBS: The Lieutenant wanted your source, and I just gave it to him. AARON: And that's the Petty Officer? What was his name again? GIBBS: Dion Lambert. AARON: I'm scanning....no hits. CHENEY: This isn't a frat bust for grass, Aaron. GIBBS: This is hard time. Every night. Hard time. CHENEY: Tell us where Petty Officer Lambert's hiding. GIBBS: We'll cut you a deal. CHENEY: Minimum time in a Federal facility without nightly cavity searches. ARTHUR: Aaron, if they had evidence of you doing something illegal (V.O.) which I know you didn't, they wouldn't be talking deals. AARON: I have to listen to my lawyer. He's very expensive. GIBBS: When I find Petty Officer Lambert... CHENEY: And he will. GIBBS: He'll roll on you for a deal. AARON: Really? GIBBS: Yeah. You want to know why? 'Cause he's soft just like you. ARTHUR: What is this, bad cop, bad cop? CHENEY: Gibbs, we miscalculated. GIBBS: You think? CHENEY: Our friend here's looking forward to playing strip poker in Marion... without cards. GIBBS: Yeah, is that true Aaar-ron? ARTHUR: Charge my client or we're walking out! Now! AARON: Bastards! (DOOR OPENS) GIBBS: Aaron? You won't last forty eight hours in Marion. CHENEY: Oh, I figure twenty four. GIBBS: Five bucks. CHENEY: It's a bet. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. OBSERVATION ROOM - DAY (SFX: TONY LAUGHS) GIBBS: What are you laughing at, DiNozzo?! CHENEY: And you, Monteleone!? GIBBS: We didn't break him! [SCENE_BREAK] INT. INTERROGATION ROOM - DAY CHENEY: Made him piss his pants, though. GIBBS: Oh hell, yes! [SCENE_BREAK] INT. CORRIDOR - DAY ARTHUR: I'd wait until we get outside. Aaron... [SCENE_BREAK] INT. CORRIDOR - DAY TONY: Rachael. Hey, how would you like to discuss that interrogation over some... RAND: Chinese food? I don't think so. TONY: Yeah, how did you know I was -- RAND: Kate said you would. TONY: Well, you see, Kate's just a ... RAND: Jealous? TONY: Did she tell you I was going to say that, too? RAND: I'll give you one thing. You're almost as good looking as... you think you are. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. SQUAD ROOM - DAY ABBY: Gibbs! George Mansur - Lambert's ex-roomie? He's online! GIBBS: Where? ABBY: I back-traced his I.P. address to the Key Bridge Cybercafe in Georgetown! GIBBS: Tony. McGee. You're with me. Kate phones. Abby, keep tabs on Mansur's computer. KATE: But boy's night out. ABBY: Which means....girls night in! Transfer your phones to my lab. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. GEORGETOWN STREET - DAY GEORGE: This isn't legal! Your guy is on my computer! TONY: It's not your computer. It's the cybercafe's. GEORGE: Yeah, well I'm logged in on it. He can see all of my trades. That's an invasion of my privacy! TONY: Actually, he's right, Boss. GIBBS: Uh-huh. GEORGE: Then... you'll let me go? GIBBS: No. GEORGE: (SHOUTS) Hel-! GIBBS: Don't.... shout. TONY: Federal agents. All's well. Go about your business. GIBBS: Where is your roomie? GEORGE: I don't have one. GIBBS: Ex-roomie. GEORGE: Dion? I don't know. I haven't seen him since I moved out two weeks ago. GIBBS: Why did you move? GEORGE: He bought the place. Didn't want a roommate anymore. GIBBS: You didn't file a change of address. GEORGE: I mailed it in yesterday. TONY: You and Dion partners? GEORGE: No. He works his own trades. GIBBS: A Petty Officer Second day trades in the market? GEORGE: Dion's sharp. Is that what this is about? His inside trading? GIBBS: Inside tradings? GEORGE: Had to be. He makes a lot more money than I do in the market. TONY: Drug market? GEORGE: Dion wasn't dealing drugs. I'd have known. GIBBS: Uh-huh. GEORGE: Well, if he was, I didn't know. I swear! GIBBS: Where is Dion now? GEORGE: I don't know. He's a workaholic. If he's not home, he's at his job.(SFX: CELL PHONE RINGS) GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) Yeah, Gibbs. TONY: This is your car, right? Okay, you make a couple hundred grand a year and you drive this? GEORGE: I'm not a car guy. TONY: Don't you dig chicks? GIBBS: Get McGee and Abby to do what they do when they hook up. (SFX: TONY CHUCKLES) TONY: You meant their computers. GIBBS: Then you take him in. GEORGE: But I haven't done-- ! TONY: Shut up! Damn! So what's up? GIBBS: Lieutenant Cheney found Petty Officer Lambert. TONY: Where? GIBBS: In a ravine in Rock Creek Park. MUSICAL BRIDGE TO: EXT. ROCK CREEK PARK - NIGHT (CAMERA ANGLE CLOSE ON LAMBERT) (MUSIC OUT) [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. ROCK CREEK PARK - NIGHT DUCKY: Is this the Petty Officer who faked his murder, Jethro? GIBBS: Unless DNA says otherwise. DUCKY: Well, he's not faking now. GIBBS: The shooter put one round into the back of his head. DUCKY: And his hair is burned. I'd say the muzzle was within two inches of his skull. CHENEY: Aaron Wright doesn't have the guts to pull a trigger looking you in the eyes. GIBBS: Well, neither does George Mansur. No, my gut's telling me that Ducky's about to eliminate him as a suspect. What time did our boy die, Duck? DUCKY: Patience, Jethro. Mister Palmer is at home with the flu so I'm my own assistant tonight. Judging by the ambient temperature, I'd say he expired between eighteen and twenty one hundred hours. How does that jive with your gut? GIBBS: Well, let us see. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. OUTER LAB - NIGHT MCGEE: Oh wow. Mansur bought Argente Cosmetics two days before it jumped twenty eight points. ABBY: Must have been when the FDA approved androgen lipstick. It increases a woman's libido. (MCGEE LAUGHS) MCGEE: Viagra for women? ABBY: Why is that funny, McGee? MCGEE: It's not that it's funny. It's, you know, women... ABBY: Women don't need to be turned on before they perform? MCGEE: No, that's not what I mean, Abby. (SFX: PHONE RINGS) ABBY: (SHOUTS INTO PHONE) What!? [SCENE_BREAK] INT. ROCK CREEK RAVINE - NIGHT GIBBS: Oh! (INTO PHONE) Yikes, Abby! What did McGee do this time?(BEGIN TELEPHONE INTERCUTS) (SCENE CUT) ABBY: (INTO PHONE) He put his size ten shoe in his size twelve mouth. GIBBS: (V.O./FILTERED) When did Mansur log on at the cybercafe? ABBY: (INTO PHONE) Sixteen fifty six. (SCENE CUT) ABBY: (V.O./FILTERED) Four minutes before the Tokyo market opened. (SCENE CUT) ABBY: (INTO PHONE) The longest trading gap was eight minutes until Neander-boy took over. GIBBS: (V.O./FILTERED) When you're done with Neander-boy.... (SCENE CUT) GIBBS: (V.O./FILTERED) ... Tell him to release Mansur. (SCENE CUT) ABBY: (INTO PHONE) That might be a while, Gibbs. (END TELEPHONE INTERCUTS) [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. ROCK CREEK PARK - NIGHT MONTELEONE: Oh, no wait a minute. Wait a minute. No no no no. I've never paid for it in my life. KATE: Uh-huh. MONTELEONE: I was fifteen and my cousin Ansel paid Maggie O'Brien for the both of us so that doesn't count. KATE: Yes, it does, Tony. MONTELEONE: I'm Primo. KATE: Sorry. I can't tell you apart. Look at this. Someone's been chain smoking here. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. AUTOPSY ROOM - NIGHT (SFX: ELEVATOR DINGS/DOORS SLIDE OPEN) GIBBS: Do you smoke, Aaron? AARON: All right, you got me. All right? I lit up in your elevator. What's the big... ah, geez! GIBBS: How's it going, Ducky? DUCKY: Slow without an assistant. Is this the killer? AARON: I didn't kill anybody. I don't even own a gun. DUCKY: Do you want to see what your bullet did? AARON: No. GIBBS: Did Aaron just acknowledge he shot him? CHENEY: Sounded that way to me. AARON: No, I don't want to see this. DUCKY: I can assure you it will be very instructional. Your slug penetrated the occipital lope instantly blinding the poor boy. Although death, of course, was so sudden I doubt that he'd notice it. It then entered the Corpus Callosum. AARON: Oh, god just stop. I've got to barf.(SFX: AARON VOMITS B.G.) DUCKY: In the Eighteenth century, the Corpus Callosum was believed to house the soul. It wasn't until the Mid-Twentieth century, actually, that scientists determined it's a thick bundle of nerve fibers to transfer information between the right and left hemispheres of the brain. CHENEY: Fascinating. AARON: I didn't kill Dion. GIBBS: Dion? CHENEY: Definitely someone he was on a first name basis with. AARON: Is that deal you offered still on the table? GIBBS: Hell no. AARON: I know who killed him. Do I get the deal? GIBBS: Not if it was you. AARON: I can live with that. I picked up the drugs from a blind mailbox. I sent the cash by return mail. The last shipment came in two days ago, and I dropped fifty grand in the mail that night. CHENEY: He made a million and got whacked waiting for fifty grand? AARON: You cops always inflate. They never made anywhere near a mil. GIBBS: They? AARON: Dion and his partner. CHENEY: What partner? AARON: I don't know his name. I only worked with Dion. Wait! Wait! Just hear me out please! All right, his partner is a computer geek where Dion works. He picked up on the scam and he threatened to report it unless Dion cut him in on half. Find the partner, you find his killer. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. COMPUTER ROOM - DAY WILKERSON: (V.O.) I don't believe him. (ON CAMERA) If two of my people were ripping off the system, I should be fired for incompetence. GIBBS: They weren't both doing it. Petty Officer Wilson caught on to the scam. WILKERSON: Well, if he caught on I should have. GIBBS: They sat next to each other. WILKERSON: You're not very computer literate, are you, Jethro? (SFX: RAPID BEEP TONES) MCGEE: Boss! Boss! He's got a Trojan horse on Petty Officer Lambert's computer. You could access his programs. WILSON: I didn't insert that! TONY: Just once, boss, I wish one of these guys would say, "You got me. I did it." WILSON: McGee. MCGEE: Sorry, Man. WILSON: Ma'am, you know me. I love the Navy. I wouldn't steal from it! WILKERSON: I believe you, Niles. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. LAB - DAY (MUSIC OVER ACTION) MCGEE: How could I have missed this yesterday? ABBY: No one gets everything right the first time, McGee. Except Gibbs. MCGEE: I just can't believe that Niles did it. ABBY: McGee, you're so... trusting. MCGEE: What's wrong with that? ABBY: Well, it's great in a relationship. Kind of sucks for an investigation. Oh, poor baby. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. BASEMENT - DAY (SFX: WOOD PLANING B.G.) WILKERSON: Familiar with this new advance in technology called ... power tools? GIBBS: Close your eyes. (SFX: PLANING CONTINUES) GIBBS: Do you feel the wood? You don't get a sensation like that from a power tool. (WILKERSON LAUGHS) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. LAB - DAY ABBY: Something is hinky here, McGee. These are the butts that Kate found at the crime scene. MCGEE: Looks like identical twins. ABBY: All from the same pack. Now these are Aaron Wright and Petty Officer Wilson's Triboros. MCGEE: Twins, but not identical because they came from different packs? ABBY: Correct. But not my point. MCGEE: The killer didn't smoke Triboros! ABBY: The butts that Kate found were Lamas. MCGEE: Okay, I gotta call Gibbs. You just proved that Petty Officer Wilson isn't the killer. ABBY: Or Aaron Wright. MCGEE: You ruled out both suspects. ABBY: No I didn't. Either one could still be the murderer. All I proved is that someone smoked Lamas at Rock Creek Park. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. BASEMENT - DAY (SFX: PHONE RINGS) GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) Yeah, Gibbs.(BEGIN TELEPHONE INTERCUTS) (SCENE CUT) MCGEE: (INTO PHONE) Boss, I don't know if this is important or not. (SCENE CUT) GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) McGee, this had better be the most important phone call you ever made. Yeah. (SFX: WILKERSON POURS DRINKS) (GIBBS HANGS UP THE PHONE) WILKERSON: Everything all right? GIBBS: Yeah. WILKERSON: Come on. What's wrong? GIBBS: Your Petty Officer won't admit to any involvement. WILKERSON: I don't believe he was. GIBBS: Have you got a smoke? WILKERSON: Well that surprises me. GIBBS: Thank you. Ever been to Sicily? WILKERSON: Interesting segue. No. GIBBS: Capaci's a town outside of Palermo. In ninety one, there was a Mafia don sitting in a hillside orchard chain-smoking, watching the road below. Two cars in a tight formation came around the corner. The don hit a switch. The road exploded. It killed the chief magistrate prosecuting the Sicilian Mafia, his wife and three bodyguards. The Italian Caribinari found the cigarette butts in the orchard. Sent them to our FBI crime lab. They matched the DNA from the saliva on the filters to the don. It's the first time that DNA was ever used successfully to prosecute a killer. WILKERSON: You are a very strange man. GIBBS: Yeah. Yeah. It's about to get stranger. Karen, I hope that the DNA on this cigarette doesn't match the butts found where Dion was executed. I really do. (MUSIC OUT)

A telemarketer hears a murder while trying to sell a long-distance call package. The team investigates with the help of a team of local homicide detectives whose personalities seem to correspond with that of Gibbs and his team. Each team member discovers different crucial facts about the case, leading to the discovery that the murder may not have been all it seemed to be. When Abby and McGee discover that the dead man was using the Navy computer system for his own financial gain, they consult with the people he worked with to see if they can shed light on who may have wanted him dead. The investigation takes a new turn when the missing Petty Officer is found dead, having been shot at close range.

fd_Mars_01x04

fd_Mars_01x04_0

Javier Delgado: Previously on Mars. Hana Seung: We had arrived; yet our journey was just beginning. With Ben gone, I took command. Mars fought us every step of the way. They say science and faith don't mix. Javier Delgado: Open the door! [SCREAMS] Board Member: If they fail, I don't care how much you invested, we're out. Hana Seung: But when everything is telling you you already lost. Ed Grann: If they fail, everyone's out. Hana Seung: There's nothing you can do but believe. Joon Seung: We ignored this horizontal entrance because it was clogged with breakdown debris. Hana Seung: So we made one more leap into the darkness. Marta Kamen: Easy, easy, easy. Hana Seung: Hoping there was some light at the bottom of the abyss. Marta Kamen: The idea that one of the lava tubes could be connected to a tectonic cave is brilliant. We're deploying the dome. Hana Seung: The flag is planted. It's official. Humankind has a home on Mars. [THEME MUSIC PLAYS] [SCENE_BREAK] Robert Foucault: Foucault, Robert. Marta Kamen: Kamen, Marta. Amelie Durand: Durand, Amelie. Javier Delgado: Delgado, Javier. Hana Seung: Seung, Hana, personal entry, Phase 2. Hi Joon. [SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE] Phase 1 was complete and Phase 2 had begun. Amelie Durand: Medical lab is now operational. First patient was Javier Delgado. He reported cold symptoms which is funny because I, I didn't see anything wrong with him. [AMELIE LAUGHS] Robert Foucault: Getting things ready for the arrival of Vega crew has been a mission in itself. Hana Seung: A second ship, the Vega had arrived carrying the supplies and personnel we needed to begin expanding our little domed habitat into humanity's first martian outpost. Javier Delgado: I almost slashed through my suit with a laser welder, but the greenhouse is complete now. Hana Seung: Taking responsibility for the construction of the settlement and the safety of my crew, was the greatest honor I'd ever had, and it was the greatest challenge. Robert Foucault: We did it guys. It took 93 days to lay our cables in the dunes because of continuous sand drift. but as of 08:00 today both solar arrays and nuclear fission are fully online. [CHEERS] Hana Seung: My sister Joon's work at MMC was recognized by the IMSF, and they offered her a position there. We both agreed it was the best way to serve the mission and she accepted. Working to bridge the gap between nations and private industry. Within two years she was Secretary General. Robert Foucault: We're experiencing some losses on the lines. I think it's the copper wire. Hana Seung: no matter how hard we worked to meet MMC's schedule, Grann kept on pushing for even faster expansion. Javier Delgado: This greenhouse is just killing me. I'm only at half the yield that I'm supposed to be by now, and Cygnus is two weeks from arrival. Hana Seung: As a third larger ship approached carrying experts to aid in Phase 2 upgrades to power and infrastructure, we sought answers to burning questions. Marta Kamen: Search for evidence of martian life. My priority is obviously to find life and that's the amazing adventure. Hana Seung: But Mars was as weary of giving up her secrets as I was of turning the settlements expansion over to a group of experts who had never set foot on martian dust. Mae: No live matter. Hana Seung: Maybe you couldn't blame us. We had been driven by our visions of what Mars could be, following a dream some of us had our entire lives, but with each new arrival, a new vision of Mars would come, and it was only a matter of time before those visions collided. Ed Grann: Members of the committee, madames and monsieurs, madame secretary. With incredible success of the Olympus Town Settlement over the last four years, we at MMC feel that we're ready to go faster. With our new freighters almost ready for flight, we'll be prepared to start sending fifty people at a time beginning first quarter of 2041, almost a full two years ahead of our earlier projected schedule. Javier Delgado: We are really behind the schedule guys. Man: Olympus Town power will be temporarily suspended in the greenhouse as construction crews are upgrading the lines. Javier Delgado: If you want something done on Mars, you gotta do it your damn self. [IN SPANISH] The best scientists in the world... in the universe... Ed Grann: But as you know, we need the infrastructure to support those settlers when they arrive, and that begins with power. With MMC's composite nanowire technology, our power efficiency from nuclear fission will double. Robert Foucault: No, no, no, you'll cross the cooling lines. Tech: The north wall sir? Robert Foucault: Power goes on the east wall, east wall, just stand by. Man: Electrical engineering team please report to the outer west wing to await further instructions by Dr. Foucault. Javier Delgado: Concentration! Initiative! Twenty years of study... twenty years to come here and do everything myself. Ed Grann: This upgrade in power will be overseen by the very best; allowing Olympus Town to generate all the water, oxygen, and physical infrastructure they'll need to support our settlers. With world-renowned nuclear physicist Leslie Richardson entering Mars atmosphere as we speak, to take a role as director of MMC's Phase 2 expansion. Jane: I have the report for you Commander Seung. Hana Seung: Thank you Jane. Radio Voice: Commander Seung, Commander Seung. Please proceed to the airlock for the onboarding of Cygnus crew. Marta Kamen: Chances are we find life before you even meet wife number 4, Robert. Hana Seung: Are you guys up for a welcoming committee? Marta Kamen: That's Robert's department; if you ask me, we're already at capacity. Robert Foucault: The Vega construction team are already exhausted just trying to keep up with the day to day; I'm looking forward to a little extra muscle for expansion from Cygnus. Hana Seung: It took a month to clear Vega crew for EVAs, we've got a lot of experience to share now, so let's do everything we can to help the third team make the adjustment. Marta Kamen: Listen, good luck with the welcoming committee, I'm not gonna make it. Ta ta. Sam: So I told him, astronauts are probably the sanest people you'll ever meet. I mean how many people keep a cool head sitting on 88 tons of high explosives. Pilot: EDL sequence is engaged. Five more minutes Ava, and you and Oliver are home. Leslie Richardson: Big step Paul. Ed Grann: Luckily for us, Dr. Richardson's decided to bring her husband along. Paul Richardson: Okay, I'm okay. Ed Grann: Nobel prize-winning exobotanist, Paul Richardson, will be personally overseeing a parallel agriculture expansion, focused on his own hybrid plant technology that plans to eliminate Mars' reliance on Earth for food by 2048. Ladies, gentlemen, our dream is now a reality. Mae: No live matter. [ROCKET THRUSTS AND ALARMS] Successful transfer of Cygnus crew. Amelie Durand: Just want to check your eyes. Look me in the eye. Robert Foucault: There they are! Hana Seung: I'd ask how you're feeling, but I think I can take a guess. Base Commander Hana Seung. Leslie Richardson: It's great to finally meet you in person. Hana Seung: Likewise. Amelie Durand: I'll be right back. Hana Seung: Welcome. Robert Foucault: Don't worry, three or four weeks and your inner ear will remember which way is down. Oliver Lee: You know I'm just excited to not to have go to the damn suction toilet every time I go to the head. Ava: Nice, Oliver. Classy reunion. Hana Seung: Dr. Richardson. Robert Foucault: Hang in there buddy. Hana Seung: I'm so looking forward to working with you in the expansion of Olympus Town. And, Paul, very nice to meet you, welcome. I've read your work. Both of you, we all have. Robert Foucault: Your progress on low temperature super-conductant casing is astonishing. Leslie Richardson: Thank you. Hana Seung: And Paul, Javier Delgado is dying to talk to you about phosphorus levels in our hydroponic mixtures. You have no idea how excited we are to have you here. Paul Richardson: Well, I'd like to see the greenhouse. Hana Seung: Great, as soon as you're settled and have time to adjust. Paul Richardson: The sooner the better. Hana Seung: Of course, but we have to run some medical tests, it's base protocol, so let's go do that. Robert Foucault: Some help? Paul Richardson: Yep, thanks. [GROANS AND LAUGHTER] Hana Seung: People call us dreamers, but without the dream, the reality of Mars would've never had a chance. Peter Diamandis: There's a romanticism about going to Mars and colonizing it. And it's a future in which we are building cities. We humans love a target. We love to have something to shoot for, to aim for, and to build a plan to make happen. It's been the case over and over again, whether it's the colonization of a New World, the railroads, the opening up of the West. All these things are all impossible until we make them real. Robert Zubrin: What will life be like in an early Mars colony? Roger Launius: Let's take some stages in terms of how we might do things on Mars. There is exploration, somebody going out and coming back. The next stage would be some sort of research station. You would mostly resupply it from Earth. You cycle people in and out on a regular basis. I would contend that that would look a lot like Antarctica. You don't have to fly into space obviously to go to Antarctica, but it's not easy to get to, and it's not easy to sustain life there. Man: At the very bottom of the world there's a cheerless land where the long night is 125 degrees below zero, and murderous winds howl at 200 miles an hour across a desert as desolate as the moon. Charles Elachi: Before we used to send people to Antarctica, they crossed the Antarctic Continent and came back and waited 3 or 4 years before you sent the next expedition. Man: Then in 1954, a dozen nations decided to man 50 stations built around the continent. Now, the emphasis shifted to science. Charles Elachi: Today you literally have hundreds of people who actually live in the station, throughout the year. Joseph Levy: There are more scientists working in Antarctica today from more different countries than there probably have ever been in the past. And what that means is globally we need to think about how we'll collaborate and manage and work together. I think it's a good model for how policy and engineering and politics can come together to produce great science. John Grunsfeld: The McMurdo Station is a kind of analog to the kind of activity we hopefully want to do on Mars someday. Because McMurdo is in fact a city. Jennifer Heldmann: This is where you have infrastructure, where you have power, where you have supplies. B.K. Grant : We have everything from people who cook the food to people who prepare science cargo. We all live and work together and we have essentially one goal and that is to support the science. David Dinges: What happens in the Antarctic is what will likely happen on Mars. We'll create a kind of early version of community, and what we really want to do is make sure that we understand how humans can cope with the next level of risk, living on Mars. Trying to feed everybody, and coping with different visions of what should happen next. And that's going to require a much different level of understanding how to do this. We'll get there, we just gotta move to it in steps. Hana Seung: Seung, Hana, personal entry. Hi Joon! [SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE] Cygnus crew arrived safely. Medical examinations reveal only expected challenges from transfer. Everyone's okay. It's so great to see Ava and Oliver. I think they became an item on their way here. Hell of a place for romance. God love them. Paul Richardson seems intense. Right this way. We had hoped to have the second facility up by now, but we've been running into trouble every step of the way. Paul Richardson: How long until they're completed? Hana Seung: It's hard to say, we're currently using all the power we produce, which is driving our construction schedule. Leslie Richardson: Well we're prepared to upgrade all of the outdated copper lines to maximize output from the nuclear fission reactor within six weeks. Hana Seung: And how long would you need to take the reactor offline to complete this? Leslie Richardson: My team's been drilling in the SIM for months. Once the lines are laid we just need one short power cut for each junction box. Hana Seung: With all due respect, SIM is no substitute for Mars surface. It took us three months to install the lines, the dunes are constantly shifting due to sand drifts. Leslie Richardson: We're prepared for that. Hana Seung: I'm sure your people are excellent, I know they are, but no one is a hundred percent while adjusting from micro-G's. I would feel much more comfortable holding off until after dust storm season has passed. Paul Richardson: No, no that's two months away, I've barely enough amps in here to power my LEDs. Leslie Richardson: We'll never drain more than two percent of backup power during changeovers. Hana Seung: Dr. Richardson, if we can just... Leslie Richardson: No, I value your opinion, I do, and I know you've been through a lot up here. But I have an assignment and I would really appreciate your support in executing it. [SCENE_BREAK] Robert Zubrin: There are two primary drivers for going to Mars at present. One is for the settlement. Can we open up the human future. The other is science to find out if life ever developed on Mars and how far it got and what it was like. Casey Dreier: The history of science in the last few hundred years has been the understanding that the sciences that we know on Earth are the same sciences that happen out in the universe. Physics on Earth, it's the same physics that governs the motions of planets and stars in the cosmos. Chemistry on Earth is the same chemistry out in the galaxies and the gas clouds and all these things that formed in stars. But there's a fundamental science that we do not know if it's the same out there as it is here and that's biology. Is biology that we have on Earth the one way to do biology? Jedidah Isler: We have been talking about life on Mars forever. It's been part of movies, and in shows; and I think it just has that mystery. Casey Dreier: Back 100 years ago there's kind of this widespread acceptance that there's probably life on Mars. Walt Disney: Will we find a yellow farm of vegetable life, or will there be mechanical robots controlled by super-intelligent beings. Casey Dreier: That happened up through the 1950s. And then we flew by in Mariner 4. Mission Control: Liftoff. Casey Dreier: When Mariner 4 flew by, it had very low resolution cameras, and it only took a few dozen pictures. It was barren, like the moon. Cratered and dead. President Johnson: It may just be that life is more unique than many have thought. Casey Dreier: That was kind of a crushing disappointment to a lot of people who just assumed there would be something there, anything there. Roger Launius: But, we haven't abandoned the idea that there's life there. There's almost a religious belief that we will find it eventually if we just keep looking, and it's based upon faith and not knowledge, in the same way religion is based upon faith and not knowledge. Marta Kamen: Marta, mission entry, Phase 2. Search for evidence of martian life. [SCENE_BREAK] Mae: No live matter. Marta Kamen: I have found many more places where it does not exist. No microbes in the samples. The conditions for life must have existed here, but there's a lot of red sand to sift. End report. I'm working please. Leslie Richardson: Dr. Kamen, do you have a moment? I don't mean to interrupt your work, but it seems to be never ending so I thought I would just drop by. Marta Kamen: Ah, sorry I forget myself. I'd offer tea but um, I've broken my second cup. Let me. Leslie Richardson: It's okay, uh, I need to rebuild muscle after the transfer. Marta Kamen: So you can enjoy our tennis courts. Leslie Richardson: They might not be so far away. Marta Kamen: Every seed knows its time. I'll start with a bigger lab. Leslie Richardson: We can make that happen. Within two months we'll have enough power to double the size and capacity of your facilities. Marta Kamen: Hana approved this? Leslie Richardson: Uh, I informed her, yes. Your work is very important to all of us and I want to help however I can. Marta Kamen: Thank you. Leslie Richardson: May I? Marta Kamen: Soil, single particles. Leslie Richardson: Terrestrial? Marta Kamen: The spores were hitching a ride after an earthquake stirred it up in the American Southwest. This one carried a fungus from Africa to the Caribbean. Leslie Richardson: That's quite impressive. I don't see any life in that one. Marta Kamen: Neither do I. Mars regolith. We have seen radiation-resistant spores on Earth that can resume life after a 25 million year dormancy. What if, what if interstellar clouds of dust could possibly play the same role in transporting organic molecules. Leslie Richardson: If the right conditions were waiting on a planet's surface. Marta Kamen: Evolution could begin again. Am I chasing ghosts? Leslie Richardson: But if you did succeed, if you find evidence of a second genesis, imagine, we would have the funding to do whatever we wanted up here. Marta Kamen: I'm sure you and your husband could write an excellent book about it. Thank you for coming by, Dr. Richardson. Hana Seung: She's brilliant, no one questions that, they both are. But intelligence and wisdom are not the same thing. I don't care how many SIMs they've done, they don't know Mars. I'm worried, Joon. Assistant: Mr. Ed Grann is here to see you. Ed Grann: Hey. JOON Seung: Hi, how are you? Ed Grann: I'm fine thanks, and you? Joon Seung: Good, please, any coffee or anything? Ed Grann: No thanks. Well? Joon Seung: It was a hell of a show, committee was impressed. Ed Grann: Can you sell them on it? Joon Seung: I think you've already sold them on it. The question is if they should have buyer's remorse. How real is this thing, Ed? Ed Grann: I've sent the best people and the best equipment in the world. Joon Seung: Of course you have. Ed Grann: Then what's the problem? Joon Seung: It's a little too ambitious right now. Ed Grann: Well, you don't go to Mars without ambition. Casey Dreier: A permanent presence on Mars depends on what kind of permanent presence we're talking about. Are we talking about a presence like something in Antarctica where ultimately the long term goal is science? Or are there people actually living there, trying to make lives there? Neil deGrasse Tyson: I think there are many reasons to go to Mars. But I group them into reasons for exploring. But if you want to stay there and not go back, you need to grow your own food or make sure there's a continual supply train. Jennifer Heldmann: When we first go to Mars, we probably will be more Earth-reliant than we will be down the track. It's very similar to the McMurdo case, you know, it is reliant on resupply coming from other parts of Earth. Roger Launius: The problem is, suppose a resupply ship doesn't arrive like it's supposed to. What happens then? Charles Bolden: On the International Space Station today, we're literally hours away from having a supply vehicle come up and bring more food, bring more parts if you break something. When you're on Mars, the closest someone is to you is a year or two. Roger Zubrin: It will become necessary for a Mars colony to become increasingly self-sustaining. You know, this is what we do, the entire history of life on Earth is one of transforming barren environments into those that are friendly to the development and propagation of life. Until we get to the time when Mars is terraformed, agriculture is going to have to occur inside of greenhouses. And therefore there will be a tremendous driver for plants that are absolutely as productive as possible. Paul Richardson: Uh, here I am on Mars. As you can see, um, the greenhouse is up and running, greenhouse, singular. Um, the plants are adapting better than we hoped. They weren't ready, but the feed systems are up and running and, I'm very happy with the work. Um, what wasn't ideal was the, uh, was the trip. [MUMBLING] I was warned, uh, what 7 months, how that would affect me. The landing, absolutely terrible. We knew I wasn't going to be a natural. Um, anyway, I've successfully reared the Emmer and Einkorn, and they're growing twice as fast as anticipated. I have received the pictures. I have some instructions, so please take notes of some concerns. Begin with the Majesty Plant on the 3rd floor, the one labeled 15C. It's in the guest room, I can see you forgot the epsom salts. Um, the next is the Photonia, the one the cat likes to chew on, you have to pinch off more of those flower spikes. It weakens the shot of the leaves. And finally, the English Ivy. Now this one troubles me the most. It's the aphids, they're still there. Can you make sure the water's dry before you apply the alcohol? And then spray under the leaves. That's where the aphids hide. I don't know why it's so difficult, it's only ivy. Okay, mum, give my best to dad. [SCENE_BREAK] [JAVIER COUGHING] Javier Delgado: I'm sorry. Paul Richardson: It's okay. Javier Delgado: I forgot how loud everything was after seven months in space. A couple more weeks and it'll pass. Paul Richardson: Thanks. Javier Delgado: Your Emmer and Einkorn are growing faster than I've ever seen. It's incredible. First crops raised in ancient Mesopotamia and now look... a return to the cradle of civilization for the dawn of a new one. I love the symmetry. Paul Richardson: Without agriculture, there'd be no civilization. Without plants. You know, I used to stand in the doorway of the farmhouse where I grew up looking out at all the crops thinking about all the people they'd feed. One day, there's gonna be rows and rows of greenhouses right here, filled with these hybrids, thriving as far as the eye can see. Without plants, we're nothing. Javier Delgado: I love your work. Paul Richardson: Thank you. Javier Delgado: I'll leave you alone. [IN SPANISH] Finally I don't do everything myself... Leslie Richardson: Richardson, Leslie. Phase 2, we have begun replacing the old copper lines with our nanowire upgrades, as detailed in my written report. I have divided my own team to maximize efficiency and turnover with crews of two dispatched to each junction box. Base Commander Seung put Javier Delgado and his construction crew at our disposal to assist. End of report. Javier Delgado: How old? Oliver Lee: Almost four. My parents are taking care of her but uh, I almost gave up my spot on the Cygnus, didn't know if I could let her go. Javier Delgado: Jesus, that must have been hard. Oliver Lee: Yeah, I remember the first time I saw her. She came right up to the door of the cage at the pound and she just looked at me. Ears like pigtails, little nub tail wagging on the floor. People think I'm crazy when I talk about it, but you gotta have them to know, you know what I mean? Javier Delgado: Yeah, I know. Oliver Lee: You gotta be a pet person. Javier Delgado: Yeah, yeah, that's a thing. That's a real thing, definitely. Oliver Lee: Man, sometimes I wake up at night and think I can hear her little name tag bumping up against the edge of her bowl like it did when she'd get up for a drink, then I realize it's just the goddamn scrubbers again. Javier Delgado: Buddy, you're sure you don't have the spanner up there? Oliver Lee: The what? Javier Delgado: The spanner. Oliver Lee: Ah! Javier Delgado: Oliver, talk to me, Oliver! Mae: Warning, rupture detected in EVA suit. [PANTING] Oliver Lee: Javier! Mae: Temporary pressure compensation is engaged. Oliver Lee: I tore my suit. Mae: Warning, temporary pressure compensation failure. Oliver Lee: I'm decompress... Mae: Warning, please assist Oliver Lee, rapid application of field patch is required to prevent catastrophic injury or death. Javier Delgado: Medical, prep for decomp! Mae: Return to a pressurized environment immediately. [SCENE_BREAK] Hana Seung: The shift in control at Olympus Town left us vulnerable to inexperience. On the frontier, mistakes don't go unpunished. John Grunsfeld: In trying to establish a survivable community, lots of people throughout the history of exploration have either died out completely or had, you know, high casualty rates. Well Mars is gonna be a lot tougher than anywhere on Earth. Uh, with the exception perhaps of Antarctica... Man: It's the coldest place on Earth, so cold that 95% of all the ice in the world is here. At one point the ice was 14,000 feet deep, not a tree nor a blade of grass grows upon the Antarctic Continent. The humidity is as low as the temperature and the raging blizzards are much like desert sand storms. Joseph Levy: Mars is probably about as indifferent to human exploration as Antarctica is to human science and the moment you stop paying attention to Antarctica, and the moment you stop paying attention to the weather and the landscape, that's when it becomes dangerous. Accidents happen. And so when the wind is howling, when it's minus 20 or 30 degrees, it's enough to make me start thinking about having frostbite, or hypothermia. Despite being dangerous and extremely cold, and windy and having hazards all around you, there are questions we can answer here that we just can't answer anywhere else. It's that combination of cold, dry, salty and irradiated which makes this the harshest place on Earth for life. And my work here is to find it. So we're heading to a water track in the first circ in Beacon Valley. We're going to the one oasis in the middle of that big valley that might support microbial activity and finding ways that life can survive in Antarctica is gonna help us look for life on Mars. Charles Bolden: Why are we going to Mars? Number one reason is because we are looking for signs of life elsewhere in the solar system. That is incredible, dramatic, just think about what it would mean if you found a single cell microorganism on the surface of Mars? Peter Diamandis: Assuming we find life on the surface of Mars, we have two roads. One road is that it turns out to be DNA-based life, just like ours. The second option is it's different. It isn't DNA based, or it's a radically different DNA-based life form. And then did we have genesis? You know, the creation of life occuring independently on two planets? And what does that say for the potential of life on hundreds of billions of planets throughout our universe? Jennifer Trosper: As I think about the understanding of our universe and what's the next level of connection that we need to make, that's people on Mars, right? I mean that's where you get the true awe, the true awe of understanding what else is there, how it got there, why are we here? Those are all questions that I think everybody has at some level and I think that's a great reason to explore. Joseph Levy: Our societies value exploration, they value overcoming adversity. They value answering hard questions in hard ways. and that's the story of exploration. The first explorers come to Antarctica, suffered terrible hardships, and great loss of life. And those are the hard steps that got us to where we are today. I like to think that geology is destiny, where there's the right combination of rocks and water and nutrients and atmosphere, you're going to create a habitable environment and something is going live there. What we're here trying to find in the dry valleys of Antarctica is that very brief period at the very end of summer where we've stored up just enough heat from the sun to cause a little bit of melting and a little bit of a habitable environment before it freezes off in the winter. Martian climate goes through the exact same kind of extreme swings. Really, the McMurdo dry valleys are about as close as you can get to Mars without needing a space ship. So see how there's sort of a change in texture? I think this actually may be the spillway for the pond. So the challenge is a little further down, that's where the water track starts. Some recent research said is that if you look at Deacon Valley as a whole there's no sign of microbial respiration or cellular processes. And so the reason we're here is because I think that might not be the case. Woman: Alright, I'm ready. Researcher: 77.79763. Joseph Levy: We're here collecting soil samples to take back to Texas to answer is that soil habitable, is there evidence of microbial activity in that soil. I mean, this is as basic as basic research gets. What is the limit of the most important thing to us? I think respect for life and an interest in life is a kind of fundamental human value really. Look at this sample. Get those guys right here. And so exploring the very ends of our planet is worthwhile, it's noble and it also serves society's needs, not just for scientific answers but also for a frontier to work in. Sometimes people look up into space for that and sometimes they look south to Antarctica and it's the same frontier. Antarctica is a place to look to to say well, if we can do that, we can do anything. Peter Diamandis: I think of the Earth as a living organism. And we humans are the reproductive organ of Earth. And the Earth is about to bud, we'll do it driven by the desire to explore, the desire to look for resources, the desire for the unknown, because it's part of our human soul. And you'll have no shortage of people willing to risk their lives to become part of the Mars citizenry, the first people to colonize. Robert Zubrin: The first expeditions to Mars will certainly have a very heavy scientific agenda. But once we get past the stage of McMurdo Station then this Mars base can grow into a bonafide human settlement. Into an embryonic, new civilization. and if we do this, let me tell you, we'll not just bring life to Mars, we're gonna bring Mars to life. Hana Seung: Seung, Hana mission entry, Phase 2. Javier Delgado and Oliver Lee were carrying out expedited expansion orders as directed when an accident occurred. Both men are being treated by Amelie presently. Transformer 013 is down. Amelie Durand: Another ten seconds and Oliver would have lost that arm; if you hadn't been there he would have never... Ava: Commander Seung, Dr. Foucault is asking for you. Hana Seung: I'll be back. Amelie Durand: You need to rest. Javier Delgado: No. Amelie Durand: Yes. Javier Delgado: We've got to get back out there and power up those lines, Robert and I can go right now. Amelie Durand: You're exhausted and dehydrated, you need bed rest and fluids. Javier Delgado: Come on, please, give me a break. Amelie Durand: You need to take it easy Javier. Javier Delgado: No! I'm sorry. Amelie Durand: No, it's fine. Javier Delgado: Don't be angry please. Amelie Durand: I'm not, I just... I don't know, I just... [SCENE_BREAK] Hana Seung: Robert, I know we have no power without the lines, but I have injured crew in the... That can't be right. Robert Foucault: I don't think we're going to get a chance to get that reactor back online. Hana Seung: We had trained for a worst case scenario. Thousands of hours in simulations. The best minds on Earth working together to prepare us for any eventuality, but this wasn't Earth. [WIND, THUNDER AND ELECTRICAL SURGES]

Four years have passed since the Daedalus crew landed on Mars and established the first settlement, Olympus Town. A new crew arrives to help execute plans for expansion and search for life. But a dust storm threatens the outpost. In the present-day documentary, the bustling McMurdo Station in Antarctica serves as a modern example of how humans will settle Mars, as scientists look for insights on how to discover life on another planet.

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THE SUN MAKERS BY: ROBERT HOLMES Part Two Running time: 24:57 [SCENE_BREAK] MANDRELL: Your friend the Doctor, he'd better hurry. VEET: Mandrell, when you kill her don't damage her too much. MANDRELL: Oh, what a tender heart, Veet. VEET: I want those skins. MANDRELL: See how she begs for a gently death for you? So full of love and compassion. LEELA: Before I die, I'll see this rat hole ankle deep in blood. That is a promised thing. GOUDRY: By the Company, if Mandrell orders her killed, I won't be the first man on his feet. [SCENE_BREAK] HADE: Your Highest, a thousand apologies for this intrusion. COLLECTOR: (without looking up) ?? Hade. Time is money. HADE: Ah, what a great truth, your Sublimity. A pearl of wisdom. COLLECTOR: Get to the point. HADE: I've grounds for believing, your Eminence, that there is a conspiracy among dissident Ajacks to foment armed rebellion against the Company, glory be to the Company. COLLECTOR: Interesting. What exactly do you know, Hade? [SCENE_BREAK] BISHAM: Don't try to speak yet, my friend. Valerium gas affects the throat. DOCTOR: Where? BISHAM: Where are you? You're in the Correction Centre. This is the Induction Therapy Section. That means they sensitise areas of the brain and clear the neural pathways so that when we arrive in Physical, we feel the full benefit. It intensifies pain a thousand times. DOCTOR: How long have I been here? BISHAM: They brought you in just as the trumpets were sounding second workshift. About an hour ago. DOCTOR: An hour. DOCTOR: Thank you. BISHAM: It's a pleasure. [SCENE_BREAK] MANDRELL: Your time's up, girl. MANDRELL: Seize her. LEELA: The next one dies. MANDRELL: Take her, you cowardly scabs! Must I do it myself? LEELA: Oh, try, Mandrell. Prove you have a heart as big as your mouth. VEET: Mandrell! Wait a minute. Give the Doctor some more time. GOUDRY: It's possible that D grade Cordo took the wrong subway. He's not too smart. MANDRELL: You craven gutten factory fodder. Are you frightened of a half-grown girl? GOUDRY: Take care, Mandrell. VEET: Watch it. CORDO: The Doctor! MANDRELL: What? CORDO: They've got him! LEELA: What do you mean? VEET: How did they get him? CORDO: At the ConSum Bank. Something went wrong. I don't know, maybe it was the card. MANDRELL: Veet! VEET: The card was perfect. CORDO: Well, the alarm blew as soon as he got in there. He didn't stand a chance. I had to run. VEET: It must have been the Doctor's fault. The card had never been used. LEELA: Where's the Doctor now, Cordo? CORDO: Security picked him up there right away. They must have been cruising that section. LEELA: What will they do to him? GOUDRY: He'll be in the Correction Centre by now. LEELA: What? GOUDRY: They don't waste time. VEET: Not when he's defrauding the ConSum Bank. MANDRELL: That's high crime. VEET: He'll get maximum. LEELA: Maximum what? VEET: Correction, of course. That's what the Centre's for, correcting people. He won't live long after that. [SCENE_BREAK] BISHAM: What are you doing? DOCTOR: Going for a little hop. Good for the circulation. What did they get you for? BISHAM: Curiosity. DOCTOR: That's a crime here? BISHAM: Yes. I was an executive grade at the chemical plant in charge of PCM production. I got curious about some of the other products. DOCTOR: Go on. BISHAM: Well, there were some tablets labelled For Official Use only, for the Gatherers and the other Company staff. I wondered what they were, so I took some. DOCTOR: Ah. BISHAM: I felt completely different, as though I'd never really been alive until then. DOCTOR: So you carried on taking them? BISHAM: Of course I did. I suppose they noticed the difference in me and kept watch. The MegroGuards came for me during my last sleep time. DOCTOR: What does PCM stand for? BISHAM: Pentocyleinicmethylhydrane. DOCTOR: What? BISHAM: You know something about chemistry? DOCTOR: Enough to recognise an anxiety inducing agent when I smell one. BISHAM: No, no, it eliminates airborne infections. DOCTOR: That's what they tell you. It also eliminates freedom. [SCENE_BREAK] COLLECTOR: These cellar dwellers should be erased. HADE: Indubitably, your Elevation. It's a question of manpower. I simply haven't got sufficient staff. COLLECTOR: It is against Company policy to give supportive aid to the civil administration. We run a purely fiscal operation. HADE: Your Pinnacle, a five percent increase in protection tax would repay the Company, its name be praised. COLLECTOR: Good thinking, Hade. You tempt me. HADE: There is also the consideration that any sustained unrest amongst the work units could damage profitability. COLLECTOR: Productivity-wise, I agree. An ongoing insurrectionary situation would not be acceptable to my management. This fiscal period we're aiming for a seven percent increase in the gross planetary product. HADE: An achievable target, your Colossus, only if there is no dissention. With increased manpower I could locate and destroy these anti-Company agents before any harm is done. COLLECTOR: Half a division of my Inner Retinue. That's all I can spare. HADE: I am gratified. COLLECTOR: Also increase the daily PCM dosage three percent by volume as of now. HADE: I COLLECTOR: This interview is terminated. HADE: Have the honour to remain, sir COLLECTOR: Seventeen. Twenty. HADE: Your humble and obedient servant. Yours etc etc. COLLECTOR: Twenty two. Nineteen. Fourteen and twenty five. [SCENE_BREAK] LEELA: What kind of men are you? MANDRELL: The kind that want to live. LEELA: If only six of you come with me to this Correction Centre, we can get the Doctor out. MANDRELL: Why should we risk our necks for him? LEELA: You sent him to the ConSum Bank and now he's in trouble you will not even help him. GOUDRY: There's nothing we can do. LEELA: How do you know when you will not even try? MANDRELL: Listen, fool, the Correction Centre is under the Palace itself. LEELA: What Palace? MANDRELL: What Palace? There's only one Palace. VEET: It's where the Collector lives. They say he likes to hear the screams. That's why the Centre's there. MANDRELL: And that's why we won't raid it. Because it's guarded by him Inner Retinue and they've got things called guns. And what have we got? LEELA: You? You have nothing, Mandrell. No pride, no courage, no manhood. Even animals protect their own. You say to me you want to live. Well I'll say this to you. If you lie skulking in this black pit while the Doctor dies, then you will live, but without honour! MANDRELL: Someone silence the termagin. She's crazy. LEELA: I want just six of you to come with me. Now, who amongst you is a true man? You, Goudry. GOUDRY: Like Mandrell says, the guards are armed. LEELA: You? Will you come? LEELA: I see. Not one of you. Then I shall go alone. CORDO: I'll come, Leela. LEELA: You, Cordo? CORDO: I know I'm not much help. I'm not brave and I can't fight, but, well, at least I can show you the way. LEELA: Cordo, you are the bravest man here. Come. [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: Tell me, Bisham, how do they spread the PCM through the atmosphere? BISHAM: It's a high pressure system, Doctor. The PCM is volatilized through the vapour towers and the air conditioning system. DOCTOR: I should think so too. Do you know how long we've been sitting here without any attention at all? Do you know that? DOCTOR: I said, do you know how long we've been sitting here without any attention? Are you deaf or something? Is he deaf or something? BISHAM: We don't count anymore. We're just material for processing. DOCTOR: Ah. Right. I'm glad he isn't deaf. DOCTOR: I would have felt guilty. Don't leave it in too long, it goes frizzy. BISHAM: I'm sorry our acquaintance was so brief, Doctor. It has been a pleasure meeting you. DOCTOR: Oh, that's all right, Bisham. We'll have another opportunity to talk. There's a lot you can tell me. BISHAM: I'm afraid after this nobody remembers much. DOCTOR: I wouldn't touch that, if I were you. DOCTOR: I said, I wouldn't touch that if I were you. DOCTOR: Are you sure he wasn't deaf? [SCENE_BREAK] HADE: Detained? When was this? By whose order? MARN: He was caught while frauding with a stolen ConSumCard. The MegroGuards have taken him to Correction. HADE: Too soon, Marn. Too soon. Oh, we might squeeze the names of his accomplices out of him, but if they hear he's been arrested they'll take fright. Many of them must be Executive grades. They'll move to other Megropolises. We could be years tracking them down. MARN: He's our only lead, your Honour. HADE: Hmm. Have him released from Correction immediately. MARN: What reason shall I give? HADE: Tell them that Gatherer Hade orders the charge to be quashed. MARN: And bring him here. HADE: Exactly. We must lull any suspicions he may have. [SCENE_BREAK] LEELA: K9, what are you doing here? K9: Waiting, mistress. LEELA: Waiting for what? K9: The Doctor master ordered me to stay. LEELA: In the TARDIS. You should not be here at all. K9: Affirmative. LEELA: Oh, K9, this is Cordo. Cordo, K9. CORDO: Yes, I've seen it before. What is it? LEELA: Well, he's a sort of friend. K9: Affirmative. Friend. LEELA: K9, are your batteries fully charged? K9: All my systems are at maximum function, mistress. LEELA: Then you had better come with us. I think we might be needing you. [SCENE_BREAK] BISHAM: I wonder how long it'll take them to fix that? DOCTOR: Not long, I'm afraid. There's no need to hurry on our account. Take a break or something. Have a cup of tea. Have some jelly babies. There are some in my coat pocket. No? All right. DOCTOR: Hello. MARN: This is the one. Untie him. DOCTOR: Ah, thank you. I don't like this jacket. Not very comfortable. I like a jacket with a lot of pockets, don't you? What's the next treat going to be, hmm? What's your name? MARN: Gatherer Hade wishes to see you. DOCTOR: Gatherer Hade? MARN: He ordered your release. DOCTOR: What about my chum? MARN: Just you. [SCENE_BREAK] CORDO: It's the next turn. About fifty yards. There's a guard on the gate. LEELA: Just one? CORDO: I have seen two, but normally there's just one. LEELA: Strange. I feel fear. Why should I be frightened? K9: There is a chemical inhibitor in the air, mistress. I have analysed it. LEELA: What does that mean, K9? K9: It means you feel fear because it affects the human nervous system and debilitates the will. LEELA: You mean there's nothing to be afraid of, just something in the air? K9: Affirmative. LEELA: Right. Come on. [SCENE_BREAK] HADE: Ah, Citizen Doc-Tor. Welcome. Come in, sit down. DOCTOR: Thank you. HADE: No, no, no. Please, please. HADE: Citizen Doc-Tor. An unusual name. DOCTOR: Yes, especially for an Ajack. HADE: Indeed. There are so many Wurgs and Keeks in Megropolis Three I sometimes wonder how my distinguished colleague, Gatherer Pile, manages to keep track of you all. DOCTOR: Indeed. But how very clever of you to know my name. HADE: Well, it's here, on your ConSumCard. DOCTOR: Ah. HADE: The cause of your unfortunate experience, of which I trust there are no ill effects? DOCTOR: Oh, not at all, not at all. Your guards were entirely charming, and so attentive. HADE: I am gratified. I brought you here, Citizen Doc-Tor, first of all to give you the thousand talmars you requested. HADE: And also to apologise for any inconvenience. To err is computer. DOCTOR: To forgive is fine? [SCENE_BREAK] LEELA: All right, K9. Bite. K9: Mistress? LEELA: Stun him. K9: Affirmative. [SCENE_BREAK] MARN: Would you care for a leaf? DOCTOR: Oh, thank you, thank you. Thank you. DOCTOR: Rubus idaeus? HADE: No, raspberry leaves. I have them specially imported. They contain natural chlorophyll. Very healthy. DOCTOR: Have you ever tasted raspberry leaf tea? Awfully good for aliments of the throat. HADE: Is that so? DOCTOR: Yes. HADE: Of course, in primitive times on Old Earth, they ate prodigious quantities of vegetable matter without any apparent harm to their system. DOCTOR: Remarkable. HADE: Mmm. I'm quite a student of antiquity. Many people alive are not even aware that our species originated on Old Earth. DOCTOR: I can hardly credit it. HADE: It's true. They learn nothing in the Preparation Centres. DOCTOR: Mind you, I've often wondered why we left Old Earth. HADE: Ah, well, of course there is a religious view, though I've always inclined to the expansionist theory. Natural progression. Tell me, Citizen Doc-Tor, are you planning to stay long in Megropolis One? DOCTOR: Not long, no. HADE: Well, while you're here, you must get about a bit. After all, it is the first and oldest city on Pluto. There's much of interest to see. DOCTOR: Well, I shall certainly try. In fact, I shall start right now. HADE: Oh, don't let me detain you any longer. I know you visiting Executives have a very busy schedule. An agreeable meeting. DOCTOR: Humbug? HADE: Oh, I am gratified. MARN: The tracker system is keyed to him, your Honour. HADE: Excellent. I think he swallowed my story of mechanical error without any suspicion. MARN: He couldn't believe his luck when we gave him the thousand talmars. That was a stroke of genius, your Honour. HADE: I think it added a touch of verisimilitude. Of course, he needed the money for a reason. Possibly to buy the services of that work-shy scum in the Undercity. HADE: Let's see where he's heading. [SCENE_BREAK] LEELA: This door, K9? K9: Negative. LEELA: Here, K9? K9: Affirmative. The master passed through this entrance. [SCENE_BREAK] LEELA: It is not him! Guard the door, K9. Help me free this one, Cordo. BISHAM: Gratified, Citizens. LEELA: Listen. Listen, we're looking for the Doctor. BISHAM: You are his friends? CORDO: Jelly babies! LEELA: You have seen him! Where is he? BISHAM: Yes, he was here, but they set him free. LEELA: Who did? Where is he now? BISHAM: I don't know. He went out with one of the Gatherer's officials. CORDO: Leela, we should go. The longer we're here LEELA: Yes. Check the corridor, K9. K9: Mistress. LEELA: Are you fit enough to move? BISHAM: Yes, yes, I think so. The treatment had only just started when you came in. K9: Corridor clear, mistress. CORDO: Leela! LEELA: You'd better come with us. Come on. [SCENE_BREAK] MARN: He's returning to the Undercity, your Honour. The tracker system doesn't function there. HADE: No matter if we lose him for an hour or two underground. We can always locate him whenever he moves in the city. MARN: But it is in the Undercity, your Honour, that the rebellion is festering. HADE: The Collector has allocated me half a division of his Inner Retinue, Marn. They'll soon deal with that leaderless rabble. I shall send one squad in through the heating conduits to force them into the open. The other section will pick them off as they emerge. MARN: Your Honour is a tactical genius. HADE: I formed the plan on my way back from the Palace. I call it Morton's Fork, in honour of one of my illustrious predecessors. MARN: Shall I alert the guards? HADE: Not yet. Morton's Fork will stab, Marn, only when I am sure we have identified all the conspirators. [SCENE_BREAK] GUARD: Emergency. Emergency. Calling all Districts. [SCENE_BREAK] MANDRELL: This tastes like swill. Where'd you get this garbage? VEET: Don't you like it, Mandrell? I'll have yours. GOUDRY: Listen. DOCTOR: Suppertime? Save me some. GOUDRY: We heard you'd been taken. DOCTOR: Well, I was, I was, but it was all a misunderstanding. Gatherer apologised profusely. Shush. DOCTOR: A thousand talmars. MANDRELL: What trick's this? DOCTOR: No trick. Gave me a raspberry leaf as well. Where's Leela? MANDRELL: She's gone. DOCTOR: What? MANDRELL: She's gone. GOUDRY: We heard you were in the Correction Centre. She went off with some crazy idea of getting you out. DOCTOR: Mandrell, you made a certain threat before I left. If anything's happened to that girl. MANDRELL: Don't threaten me, Doctor. The Gatherer doesn't give anyone money. He takes but he doesn't give, so you'd better have a good story. DOCTOR: Once upon a time there were three sisters. MANDRELL: I think you're a spy. A spy for the Gatherer. [SCENE_BREAK] CORDO: The guard, he's gone! LEELA: We should have killed him. He will have raised the alarm. BISHAM: Well, there's no turning back. CORDO: If we're caught in this corridor, we'll have no chance, Leela. LEELA: What do you suggest? CORDO: We must be daring. If we take the P45 return route they'll never expect to find us there. BISHAM: I hope you're right, Cordo. LEELA: Come on, lead the way. [SCENE_BREAK] LEELA: There are guards. They have blocked the subway. CORDO: There is a level interchange back there. LEELA: Right. CORDO: It's no good, they've seen us.

Captured by the authorities, the Doctor finds himself restrained in a Correction Centre where he's to be prepped for painful shock treatments, making him unable to return within a given time frame to the underground rebels holding Leela, who are prepared to kill her as promised.

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[Scene: Halliwell Manor. A party is happening. We see Piper serving drinks. Prue shows a couple to the door. Loud music is playing.] Woman #1: Great party. Prue: Drive carefully. Man #1: Good night. (Piper puts the tray on the table in the hall. Prue comes to her.) Prue: Great party. Maybe we should do this more often. (Piper's attention is directed towards Dan and Leo, who are drinking beer and talking in the living room.) Piper: Yeah. Maybe next time we can trim the guest list by one. Prue: Piper. I had to invite Leo. He was at the club when I went to go pick up the supplies. He knew that we were throwing a party. Piper: Well didn't you think maybe he'd feel a little awkward being here because of Dan? Prue: It doesn't look like he feels too awkward to me. Look, Piper, he's been mortal for what? A couple of weeks now? I mean, I felt bad for him. He doesn't know anybody and it's not like there's a fallen-white-lighters-support group to join or anything. Piper: Prue, I'm not upset with you. I'm just I'm I'm, upset with the whole situation. Prue: Well, Leo's just going to have to accept the fact that you're with Dan now. You are still with Dan, right? Piper: Yes. Of course. (We see Leo and Dan laughing.) Piper: What do you think they're talking about? Prue: You Piper: Great. (Phoebe comes out of her room by the stairs.) Phoebe: Hey you guys. (Prue and Piper look at her.) Give me a break. It's after midnight. I have midterms tomorrow. Piper: Sorry. Pheebes. We didn't realize we were being so loud. Prue: Why don't you take a study break? Clear your head. Come on down. Phoebe: I can't. I have too many phobias. (Prue and Piper give her the "what" look) To learn about for my psych exam. I had no idea there were so many. "Claustrophobia. Arachnophobia." (Reading from the cards in her hand) Um. "Kleptophobia, Phallusphobia." Prue: "Relax-a-phobia". Phoebe: Cute. Prue: Just trying to help. Phoebe: You can help by keeping it down. Did I mention it's after midnight? Piper: Twice. Prue: Party's breaking up anyway. Phoebe: Thank you. (Phoebe kisses her hands, throws them at her sisters, and then goes into her room. Piper and Prue look back at Leo and Dan, who are laughing) Piper: What the hell are they talking about? [Cut to Leo and Dan.] Leo: My favorite ball player? Joe DiMaggio. Hands down. Dan: DiMaggio. No. I meant when you were growing up. Leo: DiMaggio was my grandfather's favorite. That's why he's mine too. Dan: You know Leo, this is just an observation, but uh, you don't like to talk about your past that much. Do you? Leo: It's just not all that interesting, really. Dan: Not that interesting? I mean, being in the army sounds pretty interesting. How, I mean, how long have you been out? (Piper enters.) Leo: Piper. Piper: Hi guys. Having fun? Not talking about me too much I hope. Dan: No. No. Not at all. Piper: No? Dan: Actually. Leo was about to fill me in on his army experience. Piper: The army? (Leo smiles) Huh. Whoops. Look at the time. Gotta call it a night. Party's over. [Scene: Phoebe's room. Phoebe has some papers, books, and laptop is scattered on her bed. Phoebe is writing something.] Piper: (from downstairs) Good night everybody. Phoebe: Finally. (Phoebe takes her Chinese style clips out of her hair.) [Cut to outside of manor. Prue, Piper, Leo, and Dan are showing the rest of the quests' out ] [Cut back to Phoebe's room. She's studying until she hears music. It sounds like the party is still going on. (Later it's the sounds from the party in 1924.) She goes to the stairs and begins walking downstairs.] Phoebe: OK. I asked you guys once to keep it down. (She looks and sees no one around. As she walks downstairs, she still hears the party noises. She goes into the dinning room. Something pushes her against the wall. She is forced to have her hands up against the wall. Something pulls her shirt off, then slips her bra strap off. Something then pulls her skirt up. She falls to the ground. A lamp off the table and breaks.) [Cut to outside. Piper, Prue, Leo, and Dan look towards the sound.] Piper: Phoebe? (They go inside and see Phoebe on the ground.) Prue: Phoebe? (They go to her. Prue and Piper kneel down by her) Hey. Are you all right? (Phoebe sits up and pulls her bra strap up and puts her shirt back on) Phoebe: Uh yeah. I think so. Piper: What happened? Phoebe: I don't know, but I'd sure like to find out. Opening Credits [Scene: Living room. Prue and Phoebe are sitting on the couch. Phoebe is laying on Prue. Leo and Dan are standing behind the table behind the couch. Piper brings Phoebe a glass of water. She then sits on the coffee table.] Phoebe: Thanks. Dan: You sure you're all right? Phoebe: I'm fine really. Dan: You're lucky. Falling down like that, you really could have hurt yourself. Prue: Maybe we should call it a night, huh? Let her get some rest. Piper: Oh. OK. (She looks at Dan) I'll walk you out. Dan: OK. (Piper begins to show Dan out. Leo begins to walk around. Dan stops in the doorway with Piper and looks at Leo) Hey, uh, Leo. (Leo stops) You coming? Phoebe: Uh no. He has to stay here and Prue: Um, take glasses back to P3. Dan: Now? At this hour? Piper: I'm a tough boss. Ready? (They begin to leave.) Leo: Nice chatting with you. (Piper and Dan stop.) Dan: Yeah. You too. (Piper and Dan go by the door and kiss. Leo sees this. Dan leaves. Piper comes back into the living room.) Leo: Well, I thought he'd never leave. Piper: What the hell were you two chatting about all night. Prue: Piper do you mind? (Piper sits on the coffee table.) Phoebe, so what really happened? Phoebe: Uh OK. I heard what I thought were party noises, so I came downstairs to check and to yell at you guys and I was attacked by something invisible. Prue: So what? Like a ghost? Phoebe: Uh, I didn't sense another being. It was more uh I don't know, like a, like a daydream, I guess. Piper: A daydream? Since when do daydreams attack people? Phoebe: It wasn't really an attack, it was more of... a seduction. Leo: Interesting daydream. Phoebe: Yeah. Prue: So I guess the question is what was it? (Phoebe looks at Leo.) Phoebe: Have you ever run across anything like this? I mean, as a white lighter? Leo: Not really. Piper: Which means we have no idea if it's going to strike again or not. [Scene: Next morning. Phoebe's school. Prue is walking Phoebe to her class] Phoebe: This is so embarrassing. I haven't needed my big sister to walk me to school since the first grade. Prue: Yeah, well, get used to it. Until we figure out what happened, we're your bodyguards. Phoebe: How do you know that you don't need the bodyguard? How do you know that he won't come after you next? Prue: Because from your description. It sounded very, uh, intimate. It makes me think that yours is the only body it's interested in. Hey, you know, are you sure you're up for taking this exam? Phoebe: I can't let stuff like this keep me from living my life otherwise I'd never leave the house, you know? Prue: True. Phoebe: Oh! (Phoebe stops by her class in the doorway and looks at Prue.) You're not going to sit beside me while I take this test. Prue: I'm not? Phoebe: No! You are not! You're going to wait patiently out here until I'm done, please? Prue: All right, but if anything weird happens, yell. Phoebe: OK. (Phoebe goes into class. Prue looks behind her and sees a photograph display she goes to it) [Cut to P3. Piper is sitting at the counter looking through some papers and Leo is behind the counter opening a new box of glasses and putting them away.] Leo: How's Phoebe? Piper: Fine so far. She should be taking her midterms as we speak. Leo: So no more attacks after I left? Piper: Prue and I took turns watching her all night. Nothing happened. Leo: Really? That's uh that's good. Piper: Wait a minute. I know that tone. What's up? What do you know? Leo: Nothing, just Piper: Just what? Come on Leo. If this has anything to do with what happened Leo: It may not. I don't know. It's just look, I was up all night trying to recall a similar situation another white lighter had with one of his charges. It had something to do with uh a past life coming back to haunt her present one. Piper: What? Leo: Look, it's obviously very rare. It doesn't happen to most people. But if I remember right, in this particular case, her past life was trying to warn her present one. Piper: Warn her? About what? Leo: I don't know. And that's what's so frustrating. Cause I don't have any way of finding out either. Piper: You miss being a white-lighter, don't you? Leo: Yeah. Times like this I do, when I know I can help. And also when I think that I'm never going to be with you. (Leo and Piper look at each other. Dan enters the club.) Dan: Hope I'm not interrupting anything. Piper: Dan. Hi. No. Don't be silly. We were just Leo: Finished. (Dan goes to Piper and kisses her. He looks at Leo. Leo begins to leave.) Piper: What are you doing here? I thought you, uh, had a job to bid? (Dan sits on the stool next to Piper) Dan: Well, I was on my way back to the office. You know, crunch some numbers. (Piper looks at Leo and so does Dan. We see Leo go in the storage room and close the door. Dan and Piper look back at each other.) If I ask you a question, promise me you won't get mad at me? Piper: Depends on the question. Dan: How well do you really know Leo? About where he's from I mean? Piper: Why do you ask? Dan: Believe me. This is not a jealousy thing. I just want to make sure you know who's working for you. That's all. Just call me overprotective. (They giggle a little.) Piper: That's very sweet Dan, but um, trust me. You don't have to worry about Leo at all. He's an angel. [Scene: Phoebe's classroom. Phoebe is taking the exam until something chokes her. She drops her papers and is thrown out of her chair. One girl screams. Prue hears it.] Prue: Phoebe. (She goes into the class. There is a crowd around Phoebe, who is still choking.) Excuse me. (She kneels down by Phoebe.) Phoebe. Phoebe. (Phoebe stops choking and sits up.) Are you OK? [Scene: Halliwell Manor. Piper and Prue are sitting on the couch. Leo is sitting in the armchair. Phoebe is standing behind the couch. Piper is looking through the Book of Shadows.] Piper: What am I looking for? Leo: Anything to do with past lives. Potions, spells, incantations. If I'm right, there should be something in the Book of Shadows about it. Prue: You really think this has something to do with Phoebe's past life? Leo: Well that's how our souls involve, how we grow as invidious. From one lifetime to the next. Phoebe: OK. Then why is my past life trying to kill me? Leo: I don't think it is. I I think it's trying to warn you. Give you a chance to do something about it. Maybe it's because you get premonitions. Prue: Wait. Do something about what? Leo: About w w whatever happened before that's endangering her now. Phoebe: Where's Shirley McLaine when you need her? (Piper finds a spell) Piper: Don't need her. We've got this. Leo's right. There's a spell that will take you to that past life. (Phoebe goes and sits between Prue and Piper while Prue says this.) Prue: Wait. We're not doing this. (Piper slides Phoebe the Book of Shadows.) Phoebe: Looks like you don't have to. It's written in first person. I can do it alone. Prue: Phoebe (She flips through some pages looking for a return spell) There's absolutely no spell to bring you back. (She flips back to the spell.) Leo: Which means she can probably come back whenever she wants to. Prue: Probably? That's not good enough. What if she can't? She could be trapped in her past life where something awful may have happened to her. Phoebe: But if I don't go back, the same awful thing could happen to me in this life. Prue: Fine. Then we're going with you. Piper: We can't. Not according to the way the spell is written. Only Phoebe can. Phoebe: I've just started to turn my life around. I really don't want my past life to ruin it for me now. (She pauses for a minute and sighs.) Remove the chains of time and space and make my spirit sore. Let these mortal arms embrace the life that haunts before. (Phoebe falls asleep in Piper's lap. We see through the eyes of someone riding in an old car in the 1920s. It honks and stops. Someone in a tuxedo opens the door and we see the Halliwell Manor and people leaving. The person is walking up the stairs.) Woman #2: Thanks for the love potion. Worked wonders. (The person goes up the stairs where a man is standing.) Man #2: Welcome back. (He opens the door. There is a party going on. The 1924 music is playing. Some people smile at the person. Some look hateful. We see that the person is Past Phoebe.) [Cut to the present] Piper: You think she's all right? Leo: She looks all right so far. [Cut to 1924] (Past Phoebe is walking into the living room. We see Past Dan playing the piano. He sees her and she looks mad at him. He looks away. She goes by the stairs by the bar. A woman approaches her.) Woman #3: Well, I was wondering where you went off to. (Past Phoebe holds up a bag.) Past Phoebe: I had to get some herbs. I can't very well make my potions without them. Would you like me to curse anyone for you? (Woman #3 looks at a guy who looks at her.) Woman #3: Maybe later. (They both give an impish giggle. The woman goes. Past Piper goes to the bar.) Past Piper: Hurry up with that giggle water Jake. We have thirsty people waiting. (The bartender nods. Past Phoebe looks at her disguised. She goes to the bar.) Past Phoebe: What's a matter dear cousin? You're not afraid of me are you? Past Piper: Should I be? Past Phoebe: (to Jake) My usual and bring it to my booth. (To Past Piper) Would you tell your husband to play something different? (She looks at Past Dan) I'm board with this old song. (Past Piper goes to Past Dan) Past Piper: Don't worry about her, baby. Just keep playing. Past Dan: Anything for you. (She looks mad Past Phoebe. Past Phoebe looks mad at her and goes into the parlor. Past Piper grabs a make-up case with no make-up in it off the piano and leaves. We see Past Prue take a picture of an old couple with an old camera and smiles after. Past Phoebe walks to her. Past Prue looks mad at her.) Past Phoebe: Hello cousin. Past Prue: We have to talk soon. Past Phoebe: We're done talking. (She begins to walk away. Past Piper goes to Past Prue.) Past Prue: Did you find the spell? (Past Piper holds up the make-up case and opens it without taking her eyes off Past Phoebe. Past Prue takes out a piece of paper. Past Phoebe looks back at them. They look mad at her. She begins leaving again. We see a little girl sitting by a crystal ball and a woman sitting across from her.) Little girl: " Say these words. Heed the " (Past Phoebe walks to her.) Past Phoebe: Christina Larson. What in the devil are you doing? (to woman) And you get out of here. (the woman leave) I told you to watch my things. That's all. (She takes a proscenia doll and throws it on the ground, breaking it's head.) Christina: My dolly! (She goes to pick it up and begins to cry.) Past Phoebe: Spells and charms are not toys Christina. Do you understand me? (She leaves. Christina hugs her doll and cries. Phoebe goes to a doorway. A man comes up behind her. He grabs her stomach. He pushes her outside and pushes her against the wall, suspending her hands against the wall.) Man #3: I've been looking all over for you. (They kiss sexually. He slips off a strap from her dress. He then begin to slip up her dress, then stop.) Past Phoebe: Why must you tease me Anton? Anton: Come with me. (He goes to the back of the house. We see a guy take a package inside through the back door. When then see Anton and Past Phoebe come. They stop by the back door.) Drink this. Past Phoebe: What is it? Anton: A potion to triple your power. In case your cousins' are ready for us. It's the only way for us to succeed. You do want that, don't you? (She hesitates for a minute and then smiles.) That's my girl. (She drinks the potion.) Go ahead. Test it. (She looks around to make sure no one's watching. She then shoots a fireball through her fingers and sets a box of wine on fire.) [Cut to present] (Phoebe wakes up and sits up with a jolt.) Piper: OK. OK. Phoebe: Where am I? Prue: Your home, honey. Your home. Your OK. What happened? Phoebe: I was bad very, very bad [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Attic. Phoebe enters looking for the family tree. Piper, Prue, and Leo follow her.) Phoebe: Family tree. I know I saw one somewhere. Piper: Uh, I still don't understand. Phoebe: We were all related. Cousins. And we lived here at the manor back in the twenties. (She begins looking for the family tree) Piper: Together? Here? (She looks at Prue) So much for evaluation. Prue: Wait. So you saw us in our past lives? I mean, did we look the same? (Phoebe looks up from the trunk) Phoebe: Uh, yeah. You did, actually. Kind of. (She opens the trunk, kneels down, and begins to look through it) Leo: Well, they probably looked the same to you because your soul recognized their souls. I mean, we all tend to travel in the same circle of family, friends, even enemies throughout our various lives. And that's why our souls recognize each other. So we can keep finding each other. That's what soul mates mean. Phoebe: It was really weird being back like that because it wasn't like I had any control over my actions. It was more like I was a visitor. Watching. Feeling. Piper: Feeling bad? Phoebe: Feeling very, very bad. (Prue and Piper give her a look) OK. I admit it. I liked it. It felt good to be respected and powerful. (She looks at Leo) Hey! Speaking of powers. (She stands up) How come I didn't get to keep that kick ass power I had back then? Leo: Well, if you screw up your regrets. Your past self must have abused the power. That's why it was taken away from you. Phoebe: That's too bad because it was hot. (She looks at Prue and Piper) Literally. Prue: Yeah. Apparently that wasn't the only thing that was really hot. Phoebe: Ooh. Yeah. Anton was hot too. Ooh. (She kisses her hands) And he was such a good kisser. (She puts her hands down and looks through the desk behind her) And so good with his hands. Piper: Hands that very well may have killed you. Phoebe: Maybe. But, you know, it could have also been Past Dan. Piper: Dan? As in my Dan? Phoebe: Uh-huh. Piper: You saw him too? Phoebe: He was your husband. Sorry Leo. Leo: That's OK. I'm hoping Piper learns from her past mistakes. (Piper looks at Leo.) Piper: Huh. (Prue looks at Piper and smiles.) Prue: Huh. (Piper nudges Prue.) Phoebe: Prue, this was the camera that you used in your past life. Prue: Wait. I (Prue goes over to Phoebe to see the camera while saying this) I was a photographer? Phoebe: Yeah, and apparently a really good one because people were lining up to get their portraits taken. Prue: Really? (Phoebe begins looking through a drawer.) So um, any idea what kind of power I had? (Phoebe stops for a minute.) Phoebe: Uh, I don't know, but whatever it was, it must've been pretty powerful because Anton had to triple mine. (She pulls up a rolled up family tree.) I found it. The family tree. (They all go to a box and Phoebe unrolls the family tree while they all kneel down. Leo puts his hand on the top to make sure it doesn't roll up on its own.) Piper: Well there we are at the bottom. (We see Piper and Phoebe's names and birth dates.) Prue: Right. There's mom and Grams. (We see Prue's finger slide by her parents' and grandparents' names and birth dates.) Phoebe: OK. This must be us again. 3 cousins. (She slides her fingers across the names P. Bowen [Prue], P. Bexter [Piper] and P. Russell [Phoebe]) Prue: Yeah, well, which one's which? Phoebe: Wait a minute. What's the date today? Piper: Uh, February 17th. (Phoebe sighs.) Phoebe: I think that this one is me. (She points to P. Russell) She died February 17th, 1924. The same age I am also. Prue: Certainly explains why the warnings are happening today. (Phoebe looks at Leo.) Phoebe: So, it doesn't mean that I'm going to die today too, right? (Leo's face says " I don't know".) Prue: We have to figure out what happened fast. Phoebe: Wait. Wh what was that little girl's name? Christina Christina Christina Larson. Christina Larson. Maybe she can remember what happened. Prue: Can you say long shot? Phoebe: Well, it's the only shot I got, Prue. I will call Darryl and maybe the police can track her down. I just hope she's forgotten what I did to her doll. [Scene: Retirement home. Phoebe, Piper, Prue, and Leo are there talking to Christina, who's in a wheelchair. We see Christina pointing at Phoebe while saying this.] Christina: My dolly! You broke my dolly! Phoebe: No. No. That wasn't me. It was just someone that looked like me. Sort of. It's it's hard to explain. Leo: But she recognizes your soul. That's a good sign. Prue: Just let her know that you're the good Phoebe, not the bad one. Phoebe: Uh (She goes by Christina.) You don't have to be afraid of me anymore. I'm not going to hurt you. I promise. Piper: Ms. Larson, we need your help. (Phoebe kneels down.) Phoebe: Do you remember when you were a little girl back in 1924? You used to go to a speakeasy that was run by three cousins. Do you remember that? (Christina nodded happily.) Christina: Daddy was the bartender. He used to pick me up after school and take me there. (She giggles a little.) I liked the piano. (She sings this next line.) If you were the only girl in the world, and I (Phoebe touches her hand.) Phoebe: The girl that looked like me, do you remember her? (Christina takes her hand away.) Christina: She was an evil witch. (She looks at Leo, Prue, and Piper.) I used to hide upstairs by the landing. (She looks at Phoebe.) I saw everything. Piper: Did you see anything bad happen to the evil witch? Christina: Oh. It was scary. Fire and screaming. (She turns to Phoebe.) And then you were murdered. Phoebe: Do you remember who murdered me? Prue: Was it a man named Anton? Christina: It was such a pretty necklace. Just ripped it off of the bad witch and then strangled her. Leo: Who strangled the evil witch? (Christina cries.) Christina: That was my favorite dolly. Phoebe: I'm so sorry. (They walk outside. Phoebe looks at the elders and then at Piper, Prue, and Leo, who are following her.) Well, bright side, at least I don't have to worry about ending up in a place like this in my golden years. Prue: Hey, at least we have time to figure out what happened. Phoebe: Not much time. By midnight, I'll be dead again. Piper: By midnight? How do you know that? Phoebe: Midnight, a full moon, what's the difference? It's always one or the other, right? I know I won't make it to February 18th unless Leo: You go back to the past again and find some answers. [Scene: Manor. Prue is sitting on the couch. Leo and Piper are standing behind the couch. Leo is pacing. We see Phoebe bring the Book of Shadows as she sits on the couch. She begins to open the book to the future spell.] Leo: Whatever you do, make sure you get back before your past life gets killed. Otherwise we may not be able to wake you up. Phoebe: Don't worry. Dying is one experience I don't plan on reliving. Prue: Are you sure that you want to do this? Phoebe: No but here it goes. Remove the chains of time and space and make my spirit sore. Let these mortal arms embrace the life that haunts before. (She falls asleep. Prue lays her head down on the pillow.) [Back to just after Past Phoebe threw her fire ball. We see the boxes blow up.] Anton: Feels good to be bad, doesn't it? Past Phoebe: Sometimes. (She turns around.) Anton: Second thoughts. Past Phoebe: They're my cousins, Anton. Anton: They're good witches, my love, which is why I gave you this amulet to wear. (He points to the necklace.) It protects you from their witch craft so they can never harm you. (She looks like she's think about not doing it.) Hey, killing them is the only way for me to get their powers, and once I have them together we will be unstoppable. (They kiss passionately.) First thing's first. Are you ready? (She nods.) Good. Now remember, wait until after I lure your cousin away from her piano man before you make your move. Past Phoebe: How you gonna do that? Anton: Easy, by posing as her former lover (He waves his hand over his dace and changes into past Leo) and fighting through your power. Shall we? Past Phoebe: Let's. (They go inside. A man is singing "If you were the only girl in the world and I were the only boy". Past Piper is watching Past Dan playing the piano. She spots Anton as Past Leo. He smiles. She looks at Past Dan to make sure he isn't watching. She goes to Anton.) Past Piper: What are you doing here? (He draws her to the corner) Anton: Just missing you baby. (He starts grabbing her sexually.) Past Piper: Stop it. We can't do this anymore. What is the matter with you? This isn't like you. Anton: You're right. It's not. (He waves his hand in front of his face and turns back into Anton. She tries to scream, but Anton covers her mouth. He signals to Past Phoebe. She goes to Past Prue, who is getting a couple ready. She begins to go back to the camera and then sees Past Phoebe. She stops.) Past Phoebe: Do you wanna talk now? Upstairs? (Cut to Past Piper. She gets free from Anton's grip, but falls to the floor. Everyone focuses their attention on her. Past Phoebe throws a fireball at Past Prue. Past Prue blocks it by blowing at it. Icy breathe, literally, comes out of her mouth and destroys it. People get up and start to run. In the process, Past Phoebe and Past Prue get knocked down. Past Piper is being chocked by Anton. Past Dan gets a rake and hits Anton in the back. Past Prue gets up. Anton turns around and hits Past Dan, who is flown to the fire place and knocked out. He turns to Past Piper. She tries to freeze him, but he fights through it and begins to choke her again.) Anton: Oh, I'm gonna like having that power. (Christina runs upstairs and hides at the landing. Everyone flees from the house Past Dan, Past Phoebe, who is standing, Past Piper, Past Prue, and Christina Past Prue tries to use her power on Past Phoebe. It goes into her necklace.) Past Phoebe: How does it feel to be powerless against me? (Past Prue pulls a trigger on her camera and a little fire comes out, blinding Past Phoebe for a moment. We see Past Prue kick Past Phoebe down. Past Phoebe tries to get up, but Past Prue holds her hands back. Cut to Past Piper, who is almost near death. She kicks him in the balls. He lets her go and she stands up. She pushes a grandfather clock on Anton. Cut to Past Prue and Past Phoebe. Past Piper enters the room. She grabs a rope off a curtain. She goes behind Past Phoebe and begins to strangling her. Past Prue takes her amulet off and throws it. Christina witnesses this.) Past Piper: We know Anton's a warlock. (Past Prue takes a slip of paper off her leg.) Past Prue: And that he's fallen in love with you Past Piper: And turned you evil. Past Prue: We can't have you guys join forces. Not in this life. Not in any life. Past Piper: God forgive us. (Past Prue holds the paper where Past Piper and her can see it.) Past Prue: Evil witch in my sight. Past Prue/Past Piper: Vanquish thyself. Vanquish thy might. In this and every future life. [Cut to present. Phoebe walks up with a gasp. She looks at Prue and Piper and backs away. Prue gets up and follows her.] Prue: Phoebe what? Phoebe: You! You were the ones that we're trying to kill me. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Manor. Upstairs. Phoebe is going to her room. Piper, Prue, and Leo are following her.] Piper: Don't be ridiculous. You know we'd never hurt you. Phoebe: No? Tell that to past Phoebe. You cursed her. (Prue goes to grab Phoebe's arm) Prue: Phoebe. Come on. (Phoebe draws her hand back) Leo: Hey! You know they didn't try to kill you Phoebe. You know that it was their past selves. Phoebe: I know, and it was my past self that tried to kill them first. (Phoebe goes to her room) Piper: Huh? (Phoebe slams her bedroom door close. Piper, Prue, and Leo follow her. Piper opens the door. Phoebe is sitting on her bed looking out the window.) Phoebe, whatever happened, you can't blame yourself. It wasn't really you. Phoebe: But that's the thing. It was me, or at least a part of me that I can relate to. (She looks over her shoulder at Prue and Piper.) And I don't mean hurting you guys. I can't even imagine that, but being in my past life, that powerful, evil feeling, it was it was seductive. (She looks back at the window.) And that's what scares me. I mean, what if that's who I really am. (Prue goes and sits by Phoebe.) Prue: But that's not who you are Phoebe. Not in this life. I mean, you-you've evolved. You've grown. You're good now. Phoebe: I was good then too. Before I before she turned. Before she fell in love with Anton. (She looks over at Piper.) Who, surprise, was a warlock. (She looks at Prue.) Oh. And that's not the only surprise. Anton could glamour into looking like anyone he wanted to. (She looks at Piper.) That's how he lured Past Piper. He glamoured into her former lover. Piper: Her former lover? Who was that? Leo: It was me. (Piper turns around.) Piper: Wh Leo: Or, rather, past me. (Piper looks at Leo.) Piper: Him? Phoebe: Yeah. Hey, how did you know that? Prue: Yeah. How did you know that? (Piper looks at Leo.) Leo: When you become a white lighter, they let you see your past lives for perspective. (Phoebe looks at Prue.) Phoebe: No wonder he knows so much stuff about this. Piper: Hold it. Wait a minute. You knew that we were lovers before and you didn't tell me? Leo: No. I just Piper: You just what? I'm getting a migraine. Leo: Look Piper, I didn't want to tell you because I didn't want it to influence you in the present. I wanted you to decide whether or not you wanted me in this life. Piper: I need an aspirin. Phoebe: OK. (She stands up.) Can we get back to my problem. Since, at best, I only have till midnight to live? Piper: Right. Sorry. (She turns to Leo.) We will talk later. Prue: I I I understand how Past Phoebe was killed, but not why killing her is going to kill you. Phoebe: Because of the curse. The cousins didn't want to risk Past Phoebe and Anton getting back together in any lifetime. Anton was is immortal. And I guess that they thought he and Phoebe were soul mates. Piper: So he's still alive? Running around out there somewhere? (Phoebe shrugs.) Leo: You know, the more immediate question is how do we protect Phoebe from her past life? Phoebe: The amulet could protect me. Prue: What amulet? Phoebe: The one that Anton gave Phoebe. I wonder if Christina knows where it is. Piper: 76 years later? I don't think so. Prue: We probably have a better chance of looking in the Book of Shadows under Anton and, uh, seeing where he got the amulet in the first place. (Prue goes to Piper.) Phoebe: Yeah. Good. You guys go check that out and I'm going to run downstairs and grab something to eat. I'm starving. Piper: OK. We'll meet you downstairs. (Prue and Piper leave. Piper looks angrily at Leo.) Phoebe: Leo. Wait. (He looks at her.) I want you to come with me to the retirement home. Leo: What about your sisters'? Phoebe: (She shakes her head.) I don't want them there. If I don't find the amulet, I'm going to die, Leo. And I don't want them to see that. (She grabs her bag and leaves with Leo.) [Cut to attic. Piper and Prue go to the Book of Shadows.] Piper: If Anton is still around and truly in love with Phoebe, he's going to be looking for her. (Prue opens the Book of Shadows and begins looking for it.) Prue: Yeah. I know, but right now that is the least of our problems. We need to find something, anything to save Phoebe. (The front door slams.) Piper: Where's Leo? [Scene: Retirement center. Christina is sitting in a wheelchair looking out the window. Phoebe comes through the door with Leo behind her.] Phoebe: Christina? Hi. It's Phoebe. I'm sorry to bother you again, but I need your help with something. It's really important. (She kneels down.) I need you to try to remember back to the day that the bad witch died, and the pretty necklace was torn off her neck. Do you remember that day? (Christina doesn't response.) Leo: Christina. I I know this is difficult, but please try. Phoebe's life depends on it. Phoebe: Do you remember what happened to the necklace Christina? (Christina looks at Phoebe.) Christina: I was up on the landing watching the whole scary thing. Phoebe: And the necklace? Christina: It It it just slid across the floor into the foyer. (Phoebe sighs and gets up. She begins to leave.) Leo: Oh. Damn it. Now we're never going to find it this way. (Phoebe stops and turns around.) Phoebe: Maybe, or maybe not. Leo, do you think that I can write a spell that can not only send me back to the past but give me complete control over my actions as well? Leo: I don't know. Why? Phoebe: Because if I can, I could go back to the past and find the amulet and hide it someplace safe so I know where to find it when I come back to the present. Leo: The only way for you to do that would be to switch life forces with Past Phoebe. (She gives him the "what" look.) In other words you would be in 1924 and evil Phoebe would be right here in your body. Phoebe: But just long enough for me to find the amulet and then switch back. Leo: Yeah, but if something goes wrong, we risk unleashing a powerful evil witch in the present and losing you in the past. Phoebe: But if we don't do anything Leo, we're going to lose me anyway. I have to find the amulet. It's my only hope. (She looks around for a pad and a pen then and finds them on the night table. She goes there and begins to write a spell.) Leo: You do realize you won't look any different to them? They'll still think you're evil Phoebe and try to kill you. Phoebe: Leo. Don't worry so much. (She touches his chin.) You're mortal now. You'll get wrinkles. (They smile. Phoebe lies down on the bed, looks at the paper, then closes her eyes.) In this time and in this place, take the spirit I displace. Bring it fourth while I go back, to inhabit a soul so black. (Her face flashes purple.) [Scene: 1924. Take off from Past Prue and Past Piper trying to kill Past Phoebe.] Past Phoebe: I'll kill you. (Her face flashes purple.) Phoebe: No, uh, wait. It's I'm not. Grrr. (She kicks Past Prue.) Past Prue: Aaah! (Phoebe flips over Past Piper. Phoebe then turns over and gets up.) Past Piper: Where'd she learn that? Past Prue: I don't know. (Phoebe goes to a bar and looks over the counter.) Phoebe: OK. The amulet. Where is the amulet? (She sees Past Prue and Past Piper get up and runs upstairs.) Past Prue: Why is she running from us? Why isn't she just using her power? Past Piper: She's probably trying to lure us into another trap. [Cut to Retirement Center. Just after Phoebe cast the spell.] Leo: Phoebe are you all right? (He leans closer to her and whispers the next line.) Are you there? (Christina gets up and goes to her jewelry box while saying this.) Christina: Here there everywhere. (She takes the amulet out of her jewelry box.) Leo: What? (He goes to her. She waves her hand in front of her face and changes into Anton, who his him. He crashes into the bathroom door and knocks him out. The real Christina is in the bathroom gagged and tied to a wheelchair. Anton goes to Phoebe, who is Past Phoebe, while saying this, he sings.) Anton: If you were the only girl in the world, and I were the only boy. (He puts the amulet on her and then kisses her.) Wake up my sweet. (She does and looks around and sees she's someplace new.) Past Phoebe: Anton? What's going on? (He helps her stand up while saying this.) Anton: It's OK. (She stands up.) Past Phoebe: Where am I? Anton: You've been reincarnated reborn to me. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: 1924 Manor. Past Piper and Past Prue are coming towards the stairs and Phoebe is on the lading.] Phoebe: Uh, I'm not who you think I am. I'm a different me. A me from another lifetime where we've involved into sisters'. Good sisters'. H-happy sisters'. Past Piper: (to Past Prue) Must have cut off too much blood to her brain. Past Prue: Must have. Phoebe: Screw this. (She sits against the wall.) In this time and in this place, take the spirit I displace. Bring me forth while she goes back to her soul so black. (It doesn't work and she stands up.) Uh-oh. (Past Prue tries to use her power against Phoebe, but misses and her icy breath hits the wall.) [Scene: Retirement Center. Prue and Piper are there. Prue brings Christina a glass of water. Leo is by the door rubbing his chin.] Prue: Here you go. Try taking a little sip. (Prue helps Christina, who's in bed, take a sip of water.) Christina: Oh, thank you my dear. (Piper enters and stands by Leo.) Piper: The nurse will be right in. Is she OK? Leo: Yeah. I'll be fine. Thanks for asking. Piper: You're not getting any sympathy out of me. You should never have let Phoebe cast that spell. Prue: Ms. Larson, can I get you anything else? Christina: Some JELL-O would be nice. Prue: Some JELL-O. Uh, OK. I'll see what I can do. Would you excuse me for a second? (She goes to Piper and Leo.) I don't think she has any idea what happened. Piper: Well, that makes two of us. Do we really believe that Anton knew all along that Phoebe was going to come here looking for Christina? Leo: Well Christina is the only living link. It was his only hope. Prue: Who cares how he knew? We need to get our Phoebe back and fast. The problem is she's the only one that can say the spell. Piper: And also with evil Phoebe wearing the amulet, she's protected from it. Prue: We've got to get the amulet off of her. Leo: Yeah, but only long enough for our Phoebe to switch lives. She has to be wearing the amulet in the present to protect her from the past live curse. Prue: OK. So bottom line, get evil Phoebe, get the amulet. Any questions? OK. Good. Let's hurry. (She begins to leave.) Leo: Hurry where? (Prue stops and turns around.) Prue: Back to the manor. If Anton and evil Phoebe reunited then I have a feeling they're going to want to pick up right where we left off trying to kill us. [Scene: 1924. Past Prue and Past Piper are upstairs looking for Phoebe. She sneaks to the stairs. She walks downstairs, looking behind her to see if her "cousins" are following her.] Phoebe: In this time and in this place (She backs into Anton.) Anton: Oh, there you are. (He kisses her. Her against her will.) You are too good to be true. Phoebe: Thanks for reminding me. Hyah! (She kicks him and he files to the pool table. It breaks from under him. Past Prue and Past Piper come up behind her.) Past Prue: Got her. (Past Prue clamps Phoebe's hands together and Past Piper begins to strangle her.) [Scene: 2000 manor. Piper, Prue, and Leo are looking for Anton and Past Phoebe.] Piper: Maybe they're not here. Prue: Oh. They're here. Somewhere. (We see Past Phoebe in the living room. She's sitting in the chair and holding Anton's hand.) Anton: Didn't I tell you they'd come? (Prue, Piper, and Leo look at them.) Past Phoebe: Hello cousins'. Or is it sisters' now? (Prue tries to use her power against Past Phoebe, but the amulet protects her and Anton.) Leo: The amulet's protecting both of them. (Past Phoebe and Anton walk towards them.) Past Phoebe: It's your turn to die this time. (She throws a fireball at them. Piper gasps and freeze it. Prue and Leo duck behind the couch. Prue pulls Piper down.) Prue: All right. We have to figure out a way to get that amulet off of her. Piper: Yeah. Great. Any idea how? (The fireball unfreezes.) Uh! (It hits the wall.) Uhh! [Cut to 1924. From before.] Phoebe: In this time and in this place [Cut to 200. Past Phoebe and Anton are walking towards the couch. Anton lets go of Past Phoebe's hand. Piper walks up to Past Phoebe] Piper: Hey. How's it going? (Leo pops out from behind a couch behind them) Leo: Behind ya! (Prue pops up behind the couch. Past Phoebe shots a fireball at her. Prue uses her power to make the fireball go to Anton. Anton and Past Phoebe look at each other sadly. Anton screams and turns into dust. Piper comes and bats Past Phoebe over the head. Past Phoebe falls to the ground) Piper: Sorry Pheebes. Leo: Get the amulet. (They do.) [Cut to 1924. Phoebe is near death.] Phoebe: While she goes back to her soul so black. (Her face flashes purple and then she collapses.) [Cut to 2000. Phoebe's face flashes purple. She sits up with a gasp.] Phoebe: (Whispering.) Piper Prue. Piper: OK. It's her. Put it back on fast. (Prue puts the amulet on Phoebe. It glows and Phoebe caught her breath. It stops glowing and Phoebe is OK.) Prue: It's OK. Piper: You're safe. Phoebe: Thank you guys for saving my life. All of them. [Scene: Manor. It's morning. Piper is showing Leo to the door.] Leo: So I, uh, hope you're not still upset with me. You know, for not telling you about our past lives together. Piper: I'm not letting you off the hook for that just yet. I'm still not quite sure what it even means. Leo: Well, I'd like to think it means, uh, we're destined to be together. (The doorbell rings) Saved by the bell. (He opens the door and sees Dan) Or not. Dan: Leo, what are you doing here? Piper: Leo was just leaving. Bye. Leo: OK. I'll see you at work. (to Dan.) Dan. (Leo leaves. Dan closes the door.) Dan: You know, I'm just going to come right out and say this. Even if you get mad at me, but I know in my gut that something's not right with him. He worries me. I mean, just for you. Piper: Uh, are you talking about Leo? Dan: If Leo is his real name. You know, I had my brother-in-law who works for the state department check out his army records. But the only Leo Wyatt they came up with died almost 60 years ago in World War II. Piper: Well, there must be some kind of mistake. Dan: Piper. There is no record of him anywhere. Nothing. It's almost as if he didn't have any past at all. I'm sorry. It's just just do me favor and watch your back when you're around him OK. At least until I figure out who he really is. (Piper nods.) Piper: OK. Dan: Well, gotta go. (He kisses her on the check.) Bye. (He leaves.) [Cut to Phoebe's room. Phoebe is sitting on her bed with the Book of Shadows. Prue walks in.] Prue: Hey, you all right? Phoebe: Yeah. I think so. I'm just writing a little warning in the book about Anton. Prue: Why? You don't think that we actually vanquished him? Phoebe: I don't want to take any chances. I just hope my future me is somewhere near this book if he ever strikes again, Prue: Something tells me that we're always going to be near it. Always have been. Always wll be. Phoebe: Yeah. You're probably right. Of course the warning won't do much good if the future me turns out to be bad. (Prue sits on the bed while saying this.) Prue: It's not just you, you know. I mean, we all have a little bad in us. It's just that when you turn bad things tend to catch on fire. (Phoebe laughs.) Phoebe: And this is supposed to be making me feel better? Prue: What I mean is that it's just as natural to be bad as it is to be good. That's how we know what good is. That's how we're able to make the choice to be good. Remember, Anton wouldn't have needed evil Past Phoebe if you hadn't evolved into good Phoebe. Phoebe: Still, it's okay to be bad every once in a while isn't it? (Prue nods.) Prue: Oh yeah. A lot. (They laugh.)

When an evil presence from Phoebe's past life starts to threaten her with a violent death in the present, she decides to cast a spell to go back to the 1920's and stop him. While there, Phoebe discovers that the Charmed Ones past lives went down the dark path, and as a result, puts her present life on the line in order to change the past and vanquish Anton. Meanwhile, Piper discovers that her present life is similar to her past one, in terms of who to choose in her love life. Prue discovers a new passion.

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INT. HOUSE, DAY We see a MAN in Restoration dress stride through the door, pushing a servant to the side. MAN: Out of my way!! He reaches another set of doors and pulls on them only to find them locked. We then switch to the other side of the doors to see the DOCTOR'S clothing cast over a stool. MAN: (through door) Doctor! We pan over to see paints and a palette. MAN: (through door) Doctor! We pan again to see a painting of the DOCTOR in a god-like pose in the clouds, He is holding a trident on his right hand and his left is on his hip. A red swath of cloth is all that protects his modesty. MAN: (through door) Doctor! The MAN finally bursts through the door, sword drawn. Two others are behind him. MAN: Where's the Doctor?! The artist, a WOMAN, laughs nervously. WOMAN: Doctor who? There is a muffled sneeze and the MAN uses the tip of his sword to lift the hem of the WOMAN'S dress. A naked DOCTOR peers out. DOCTOR: You know, this isn't nearly as bad it looks. INT. RORY & AMY'S FLAT, DAY RORY is unpacking groceries while AMY reads aloud from a book. AMY: "At the personal intervention of the King, the unnamed doctor was incarcerated without trial in the Tower Of London." RORY: OK, but it doesn't have to be him. AMY: "Two nights later a magical sphere some 20 feet across was seen floating away from the tower, bearing the mysterious doctor aloft." RORY: OK...it's him. AMY: There's more. INT. UNDERGROUND TUNNEL, NIGHT A British POW, dressed in his underclothes, is lying on his stomach on a dolly. He looks up. POW: Doctor, what can you see? The DOCTOR pops his head through the hole in the tunnel roof. DOCTOR: Is the commandant's office painted a sort of green colour with a big flag on the wall? Alarms blare and beams from the search lights make it through the tunnel. DOCTOR: I think the answer's probably yes. The DOCTOR pulls back as we hear shouts in German and barking dogs. INT. RORY & AMY'S FLAT, DAY They are lying side-by-side on the couch. AMY slams the book closed. AMY: It's like he's being deliberately ridiculous, trying to attract our attention. Are you watching this again? Laurel and Hardy's "Sons of the Desert" plays on the TV. RORY: I've explained the jokes. AMY gets up and goes to the door as the doorbell rings. RORY: So what are you saying? Do you really think he's back there trying to wave to us out of history books? As RORY looks down at the book, he misses seeing the DOCTOR appear on screen in the movie waving at the camera before joining Laurel and Hardy in a small dance. AMY: It's the sort of thing he'd do. Thanks. (takes a letter from the postman and returns) RORY: Yeah, but why? AMY: He said he'd be in touch. RORY: Two months ago. AMY: Two months is nothing. He's up to something, I know he is, I know him. (opens letter) RORY: What is it? Amy? AMY: A date, a time, a map reference. I think it's an invitation. RORY: From who? AMY: It's not signed. Look, TARDIS blue! (tosses it at him) INT. STORMCAGE, CELL A similar envelope lands on a bed. A female hand reaches down to pick it up and we see it is RIVER SONG. She opens the letter and smiles as she reads the contents. INT. STORMCAGE, CORRIDOR Alarms blare as men race down the hall. A GUARD is on the phone. GUARD: You'd better get down here, sir. She's doing it again. Dr Song, sir. She's...packing. EXT. MONUMENT VALLEY, UTAH, DAY A yellow school bus drives down the road. GUARD: (V.O.) Says she's going to some planet called...America. The bus stops and AMY and RORY step off, both carrying backpacks. AMY: Thanks! DRIVER: You're very welcome. AMY: Uh! This is it, yeah? The right place? The bus drives off. RORY: Nowhere, middle of? Yeah, this is it. We see the DOCTOR'S face. DOCTOR: Howdy! AMY and RORY turn around and we see the DOCTOR lying on the hood of a red 1960s station wagon. AMY: Doctor! DOCTOR: Ha-ha! It's the Ponds! (gets off the car) Pond One and Pond Two! (hugs AMY) Hello, Ponds, come here! AMY: So someone's been a busy boy then, eh? DOCTOR: Did you see me? AMY: Of course! Stalker! DOCTOR: Flirt! RORY: Husband. DOCTOR: And Rory the Roman! Oh, come here! (hugs him) RORY: Hey, nice hat. DOCTOR: I wear a Stetson now, Stetsons are cool. A gun fires and the Stetson is blown off the DOCTOR'S head. The three of them turn around and see a figure silhouetted against the sun. The figure moves slightly and we see it is RIVER. RIVER: (blows on the muzzle) Hello, sweetie. INT. DINER, DAY In a booth, the DOCTOR and RIVER compare notes while AMY and RORY get Cokes at the counter. RIVER: Right then, where are we? Have we done Easter Island yet? DOCTOR: Yes, I've got Easter Island! RIVER: They worshipped you there! Have you seen the statues? RORY and AMY join them. DOCTOR: Jim the Fish. RIVER: Oh, Jim the Fish! How is he? DOCTOR: Still building his dam. RORY: Sorry, what are you two doing? AMY: They're both time travellers, so they never meet in the right order. They're syncing their diaries. So what's happening, then? Because you've been up to something. DOCTOR: I've been running...faster than I've ever run, and I've been running my whole life. Now it's time for me to stop. And tonight I'm going to need you all with me. AMY: OK, we're here, what's up? DOCTOR: A picnic! And then a trip. Somewhere different, somewhere brand-new. AMY: Where? DOCTOR: Space...1969. [SCENE_BREAK] Matt Smith Karen Gillan Arthur Darvil "The Impossible Astronaut" by Steven Moffat Producer Marcus Wilson Director Toby Haynes [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. SHORE OF POWELL LAKE, UTAH, DAY The DOCTOR is stretched out on a large picnic blanket. AMY, RORY and RIVER are sitting around the edges. DOCTOR: (toasts) Salut! ALL: Salut! RORY: So when are we going to 1969? AMY: And since when do you drink wine? DOCTOR: I'm 1,103 - I must have drunk it some time. (drinks from the bottle and spits it out) Oh, wine's horrid! I thought it would taste more like the gums. AMY: 1,103? You were 908 the last time we saw you. DOCTOR: You've put on a couple of pounds. I wasn't going to mention it. AMY looks up to the dunes and sees a figure silhouetted against the sun. AMY: Who's that? RORY: Who's who? AMY: (looks at RORY) Sorry, what? RORY: What did you see? You said you saw someone. AMY: No, I didn't. DOCTOR: Ah! The moon, look at it! Of course, you lot did more than look, didn't you? Big silvery thing in the sky, you couldn't resist it. Quite right. RORY: The moon landing was in '69. Is that where we're going? DOCTOR: Oh, a lot more happens in '69 than anyone remembers. Human beings... I thought I'd never get done saving you. A pickup truck pulls onto the sand behind them and an older man steps out. The DOCTOR stands and holds up a hand in a wave. AMY: Who's he? RORY and RIVER stand. RIVER: Oh, my God! AMY stands and looks with the others as an astronaut stands in the lake DOCTOR: You all need to stay back. Whatever happens now, you do not interfere. Clear? (walks to astronaut) RORY: That's an astronaut. That's an Apollo astronaut in the lake. Look. The DOCTOR stands in front of the astronaut on the beach. DOCTOR: Hello. It's OK, I know it's you. The astronaut opens its visor but we do not see the face. DOCTOR: Well then... They watch silently as the DOCTOR speaks with the astronaut. He then bows his head as the astronaut raises its arm. AMY: (whispers) What's he doing? The astronaut fires and the DOCTOR staggers backwards. AMY: Doctor! AMY rushes towards the DOCTOR but RORY and River hold her back. RIVER: Amy! Stay back! The Doctor said stay back! The astronaut fires again and the DOCTOR falls to his knees. AMY: No! RIVER: You have to stay back! AMY: No! The DOCTOR stands as regeneration energy begins to waft from his hands. AMY: Doctor! The DOCTOR looks over to his friends. DOCTOR: I'm sorry. The DOCTOR tilts his head back as the regeneration starts in earnest. The astronaut fires again and the DOCTOR collapses to the ground. RIVER: No! Doctor! The three run to the DOCTOR'S body as the astronaut slowly walks back into the lake. AMY: Doctor, please! RIVER and AMY kneel beside the DOCTOR'S body and RIVER takes readings of the DOCTOR'S vital signs with her handheld device. AMY: River... River! The device whirrs and beeps. AMY looks at RIVER. AMY: River... RIVER stands and fires her gun at the astronaut until she runs out of ammunition. RIVER: Of course not. AMY: (crying) River, he can't be dead. This is impossible. RIVER: Whatever that was, it killed him in the middle of his regeneration cycle. His body was already dead. He didn't make it to the next one. AMY: (sobbing) Maybe he's a clone or a duplicate or something. The MAN from the truck has walked down to them. MAN: I believe I can save you some time. That most certainly is the Doctor, and he is most certainly dead. He said you'd need this. (sets a gas tank at the DOCTOR'S feet) RORY: Gasoline? RIVER: A Time Lord's body is a miracle. Even a dead one. There are whole empires out there who'd rip this world apart for just one cell. We can't leave him here. Or anywhere. AMY: (strokes the DOCTOR'S face) Wake up! Go on, wake up, you stupid bloody idiot! (rests her head on his chest) What do we do, Rory? RIVER: We're his friends. We do what the Doctor's friends always do. (picks up gas can) As we're told. RORY: (looks around) There's a boat. If we're going to do this...let's do it properly. EXT. SHORE OF POWELL LAKE, UTAH, NIGHT The DOCTOR'S body burns in the boat as it floats in the lake. The four of them stand on the shore and watch. RIVER: (to MAN) Who are you? Why did you come? MAN: Same reason as you. The MAN pulls envelope from pocket. After a moment's hesitation, RIVER pulls out hers and looks at him. MAN: Dr Song... Amy... Rory. I'm Canton Everett Delaware III. I won't be seeing you again. But...you'll be seeing me. (picks up gas can and heads back to his truck) RIVER watches him go before turning to AMY and RORY. RIVER: Four. RORY: Sorry, what? RIVER: The Doctor numbered the envelopes. INT. DINER, NIGHT RIVER, AMY and RORY enter the diner. RIVER is continuing her explanation. AMY is still in shock. RIVER: You got three, I was two, Mr Delaware was four. RORY: So? RIVER: So where's one? RORY: You think he invited someone else? RIVER: Well, he must have. He planned all of this to the last detail. AMY: Will you shut up? It doesn't matter. RIVER: He was up to something. AMY: He's dead. RIVER: Space 1969, what did he mean? AMY: You're still talking, but it doesn't matter. RORY: Hey, it mattered to him. RIVER: So it matters to us. AMY: He's dead. RIVER: But he still needs us. I know. Amy...I know. But right now we have to focus. RORY spots something on one of the tables. It's another envelope. RORY: Look. (talks to MAN behind the counter) Excuse me, who was sitting over there? MAN: Some guy. RIVER: (picks up envelope) The Doctor knew he was going to his death, so he sent out messages. When you know it's the end, who do you call? RORY: Your friends, people you trust. RIVER: (holds up envelope) Number one. Who did the Doctor trust the most? At that moment, the back door opens and in strolls the DOCTOR, a straw in his mouth. AMY, RIVER and RORY stare at him. He smiles and points at them. RIVER: This is cold. Even by your standards, this is cold. DOCTOR: Or, "Hello," as people used to say. AMY: Doctor? DOCTOR: I just popped out to get my special straw. It adds more fizz. AMY walks up to him, staring, and walks around him in a circle. AMY: You're OK. (touches him) How can you be OK? DOCTOR: Of course I'm OK, I'm always OK, (hugs her) I'm the king of OK. Oh, that's a rubbish title, forget that title. (releases her) Rory the Roman, that's a good title. Hello, Rory! (hugs him before turning to RIVER) And Dr River Song... Oh, you bad, bad girl, what trouble have you got for me this time? RIVER slaps him. DOCTOR: OK. I'm assuming that's for something I haven't done yet. RIVER: Yes, it is. DOCTOR: Good, looking forward to it. RORY: I don't understand. How can you be here? (pokes the DOCTOR in the chest) DOCTOR: I was invited. Date, map reference. Same as you lot, I assume, otherwise it's a hell of a coincidence. AMY: River, what's going on? RIVER: Amy, ask him what age he is. DOCTOR: That's a bit personal. RIVER: Tell her. Tell her what age you are. DOCTOR: 909. AMY: Yeah, but you said... RIVER: So where does that leave us? Jim the Fish? Have we done Jim the Fish yet? DOCTOR: Who's Jim the Fish? AMY: I don't understand. RORY: Yeah, you do. DOCTOR: I don't! What are we all doing here? RIVER: We've been recruited. Something to do with space, 1969, and a man called Canton Everett Delaware III. DOCTOR: (walks away from them) Recruited by who? RIVER: Someone who trusts you more than anybody else in the universe. DOCTOR: (turns) And who's that? RIVER: Spoilers. INT. TARDIS, CONSOLE AREA The DOCTOR is walking around the console, talking, while the others just stand around, each lost in thought. DOCTOR: 1969, that's an easy one. Funny how some years are easy. Now, 1482, full of glitches. Now then, Canton Everett Delaware III, that was his name, yeah? AMY leaves and goes to the area underneath the console. DOCTOR: (continued) How many of those can there be? Well, three, I suppose. RIVER follows AMY. DOCTOR: (continued) Rory, is everybody cross with me for some reason? RORY: I'll find out. RORY leaves and the DOCTOR looks over his shoulder, concerned. INT. TARDIS, UNDER CONSOLE AMY is sitting cross-legged on the floor. RORY joins them and stands beside RIVER. AMY: Explain it again. RIVER: The Doctor we saw on the beach was a future version, 200 years older than the one up there. AMY: But all that'll still happen? He'll still die? RIVER: We're all going to do that, Amy. RORY: We're not all going to arrange our own wake and invite ourselves. So the Doctor in the future, knowing he's going to die, recruits his younger self and all of us to...to what exactly? Avenge him? RIVER: Mm-mm, avenging's not his style. AMY: Save him. RORY: That's not his style either. AMY: We have to tell him. (stands) RIVER: We've told him all we can. We can't even tell him we've seen his future self. He's interacted with his own past. It could rip a hole in the universe. AMY: Except he's done it before. RORY: And, in fairness, the universe did blow up. AMY: But he'd want to know. RIVER: Would he? Would anyone? The DOCTOR sticks his head down over the edge. DOCTOR: I'm being extremely clever up here, and there's no-one to stand around, looking impressed. What's the point in having you all? (gets back up) RIVER: Couldn't you just slap him sometimes? RIVER and RORY head for the stairs. AMY: River, we can't just let him die. We have to stop it. How can you be OK with this? RIVER: The Doctor's death doesn't frighten me, nor does my own. There's a far worse day coming for me. INT. TARDIS, CONSOLE AREA The DOCTOR is showing off again as he walks around the console. DOCTOR: Time isn't a straight line, it's all bumpy-wumpy. There's loads of boring stuff, like Sundays and Tuesdays and Thursday afternoons. But now and then there are Saturdays, big temporal tipping points when anything's possible. The TARDIS can't resist them, she loves a party, so I give her 1969 and NASA, cos that's space in the '60s, and Canton Everett Delaware III, and this is where she's pointing. (reveals the date on the scanner) AMY: Washington DC, April 8th, 1969. So why haven't we landed? DOCTOR: Because that's not where we're going. RORY: Where are we going? DOCTOR: Home! Well, you two are. Off you pop and make babies. Dr Song, back to prison. Me, I'm late for a biplane lesson in 1911, or it could be knitting. Knitting or biplanes, one or the other. The DOCTOR flops onto chair, rubbing his forehead. The others approach and he looks up, annoyed. DOCTOR: What? A mysterious summons? You think I'm just going to go? Who sent those messages? I know you know, I can see it in your faces. Don't play games with me. Don't ever, ever think you're capable of that. RIVER: You're going to have to trust us this time. DOCTOR: Trust you? Sure. (stands and walks to RIVER) But first of all, Dr Song, just one thing... Who are you? You're someone from my future, getting that, but who? OK... Why are you in prison? Who did you kill? Hmm? Now, I love a bad girl, me, but trust you? Seriously? AMY: Trust me. DOCTOR: OK. (walks over to face AMY) AMY: You have to do this, and you can't ask why. DOCTOR: Are you being threatened? Is someone making you say that? AMY: No. DOCTOR: You're lying. AMY: I'm not lying. DOCTOR: Swear to me. Swear to me on something that matters. AMY: Fish fingers and custard. DOCTOR: My life in your hands, Amelia Pond. RIVER: Thank you. DOCTOR: So! Canton Everett Delaware III! INT. BAR, NIGHT A small man in a suit sits at the bar, nursing a drink. Two larger men in trenchcoats and hats stand behind him. DOCTOR: (V.O.) Who's he? CANTON: Who wants to know? AGENT 1: Your boss. CANTON: I don't have a boss any more. AGENT 1: Maybe you want to tell that to the President of the United States. (takes drink from his hand) INT. TARDIS, CONSOLE AREA RIVER is reading information from the scanner. RIVER: Ex-FBI, got kicked out. DOCTOR: Why? INT. CAR, NIGHT The two men are in the front and CANTON is in the back on the phone. PRESIDENT: (over phone) I understand you have a problem with authority. CANTON: Thank you. PRESIDENT: (over phone) It's not a compliment, son. INT. TARDIS, CONSOLE AREA RIVER: Six weeks after he left the Bureau, the President contacted him for a private meeting. DOCTOR: Yeah, 1969, who's President? INT. OVAL OFFICE, NIGHT The PRESIDENT is behind his desk on the phone with CANTON. PRESIDENT: This is a personal matter. I need someone on the outside, someone with FBI training, but is not in contact with them. CONTINUED, INTERCUT WITH - - CUT TO: INT. CAR, NIGHT CANTON: I'm flattered. PRESIDENT: You were my second choice for this, Mr Delaware. CANTON: That's OK. You were my second choice for President, Mr Nixon. (looks out the window as they arrive at the White House) INT. OVAL OFFICE, NIGHT NIXON hangs up the phone. RIVER: (V.O.) Richard Milhous Nixon. Vietnam, Watergate... INT. TARDIS, CONSOLE AREA RIVER: There's some good stuff too. DOCTOR: Not enough. RIVER: Hippy! DOCTOR: Archaeologist. INT. OVAL OFFICE, NIGHT NIXON sits behind his desk. CANTON sits in a chair directly in front. NIXON: Every day, wherever I am, I get a phone call. CANTON: People can't just call you, Mr President. NIXON: It's a direct call every time. Every day for the last two weeks, usually late at night. CANTON: Man or woman? NIXON: Neither. Listen. (switches on tape recorder) INT. TARDIS, CONSOLE AREA DOCTOR: (to AMY and RORY) OK, since I don't know what I'm getting into, I'm being discreet, putting the engines on silent. The DOCTOR flips a switch and walks away as a loud metallic screeching fills the room. RIVER walks by, flips another switch and the screeching stops. The DOCTOR comes back. DOCTOR: Did you do something? RIVER: No, just...watching. DOCTOR: Putting the outer shell on invisible. Haven't done this in a while, big drain on the power. (goes to another panel) RORY: You can turn the TARDIS invisible? With a grin, the DOCTOR switches on a lever and blinding spotlights switch on. RIVER leans over and pushes a lever. RIVER: Very nearly. DOCTOR: Er, did you touch something? RIVER: Just admiring your skills, sweetie. DOCTOR: Good! You might learn something. OK. (bangs on scanner) Now, I can't check the scanner, it doesn't work when we're cloaked. Um, Just give us a mo. (runs to the door but stops when the other try to follow) Whoa, who, whoa, whoa, you lot, wait a moment. We're in the middle of the most powerful city in the most powerful country on Earth. Let's take it slow. (exits) INT. OVAL OFFICE, NIGHT The DOCTOR steps out of the cloaked TARDIS to find himself in the Oval Office and he's not alone. Fortunately, both men have their backs to him. They are listening to the recorded phone call. NIXON: (recording) Hello? Who is this? This is President Nixon. Who's calling? Is this you again? CHILD: (recording) Mr President? CANTON: A child? The DOCTOR steps closer. NIXON: (recording) This is the President, yes. CHILD: (recording) I'm scared, Mr President. I'm scared of the Space Man. CANTON: A little girl? NIXON: Boy. CANTON: How can you be sure? NIXON: (recording) What space man? Where are you phoning from, where are you right now? Who are you? The DOCTOR takes a small notebook from his pocket and begins to jot things down. CHILD: (recording) Jefferson Adams Hamilton NIXON: (recording) Jefferson, listen to me... The phone hangs up and all they hear is a dial tone. CANTON: Surely this is something the Bureau could handle, sir? NIXON: These calls happen wherever I am. How do I know the Bureau isn't involved? I can't trust any... NIXON turns around and sees the DOCTOR. CANTON stands and turns as well. The DOCTOR keeps writing and even motions for the two men to continue as if he weren't there. The DOCTOR feels their eyes on him and looks up. DOCTOR: Oh! Hello! Bad moment? (starts to back away) Oh, look, this is the Oval Office. I was looking for the... Oblong Room. I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, just be off then, shall I? (walks into the cloaked TARDIS and falls) NIXON presses a button on his desk for security. INT. TARDIS, CONSOLE AREA The TARDIS rocks from the DOCTOR walking into it. RIVER: Every time! [SCENE_BREAK] INT. OVAL OFFICE, NIGHT The DOCTOR gets back up, rubbing his face. DOCTOR: Don't worry. Always does that when it's cloaked. CANTON tackles the DOCTOR, knocking him to the floor. DOCTOR: No, stop that! INT. TARDIS, CONSOLE AREA RIVER swings the scanner over. RORY: He said the scanner wouldn't work. RIVER: I know. Bless! The scanner wires spark. INT. OVAL OFFICE, NIGHT DOCTOR: Ow! The Secret Service agents enter, two are the same that brought CANTON to the White House. AGENT 1: Lock down, lock down! INT. TARDIS, CONSOLE AREA RIVER gets the scanner working and they see the DOCTOR on the floor, his face pressed into the carpet. DOCTOR: (on scanner) Not that! Ow! INT. OVAL OFFICE, NIGHT DOCTOR: River, have you got my scanner working yet? INT. TARDIS, CONSOLE AREA RIVER: Oh, I hate him! INT. OVAL OFFICE, NIGHT DOCTOR: No, you don't. CANTON: Get the President out of here! Sir, you have to go with them now! DOCTOR: River, make her blue again! INT. TARDIS, CONSOLE AREA RIVER flicks some switches and levers to shut off the cloaking device. INT. OVAL OFFICE, NIGHT As the TARDIS becomes visible, CANTON and the other men holding the DOCTOR release him and stare, open-mouthed, at the TARDIS. NIXON: What the hell is that? The DOCTOR makes himself comfortable at the desk, even putting up his feet. DOCTOR: Mr President! (the agents point their guns at him) That child just told you everything you need to know, but you weren't listening. Never mind, the answer's yes. I'll take the case! Fellas, the guns, really? I just walked into the highest security office in the United States, parked a big blue box on the rug. You think you can just shoot me? RIVER: (exits the TARDIS) They're Americans! DOCTOR: (stands, hands up) Don't shoot, definitely no shooting! AMY and RORY step out of the TARDIS. RORY: Don't shoot us either. Very much not in need of getting shot. Look, we've got our hands up. NIXON: Who the hell are you? CANTON: Sir, you need to stay back. NIXON: But who, but who are they? What is that box? DOCTOR: It's a Police Box, can't you read? I'm your new undercover agent, on loan from Scotland Yard. Code name, the Doctor. These are my top operatives, the Legs, the Nose, and Mrs Robinson. RIVER: I hate you. DOCTOR: No, you don't! NIXON: Who are you? DOCTOR: Boring question. Who's phoning you, that's interesting. 'Cause Canton Three is right, that was definitely a girl's voice. There's only one place in America she can be phoning from. CANTON: Where? AGENT 1: Do not engage with the intruder, Mr Delaware. DOCTOR: You heard everything I heard, it's simple enough. Give me five minutes, I'll explain. (sits back down at the desk) On the other hand, lay a finger on me, or my friends, and you'll never, ever know. CANTON: How'd you get it in here? I mean, you didn't carry it. DOCTOR: Clever, eh? CANTON: Love it. AGENT 1: Do not compliment the intruder. CANTON: Five minutes? DOCTOR: Five. AGENT 1: Mr President, that man is a clear and present danger. CANTON: Mr President, that man walked in here with a big blue box and three of his friends and that's the man he walked past. One of them's worth listening to. What say we give him five minutes, see if he delivers. DOCTOR: Thanks, Canton! CANTON: If he doesn't, I'll shoot him myself. DOCTOR: Not so thanks. AGENT 1: Sir, I cannot recommend... NIXON: Shut up, Mr Peterson. All right. CANTON: Five minutes. DOCTOR: I'm going to need a SWAT team ready to mobilise, street level maps covering all of Florida, a pot of coffee, 12 jammy dodgers and a fez. CANTON: Get him his maps! Later, the Oval Office is strewn with large street maps and everyone is looking at one. CANTON: Why Florida? DOCTOR: That's where NASA is. She mentioned a space man. NASA's where the space men live. Also... there's another lead I'm following. AMY: (whispers to RIVER) Space Man? Like the one we saw at the lake. RIVER: Maybe. Probably. AMY looks through the open doorway and sees the same creature she saw at the lake and flashes back on that moment. AMY: (whispers) I remember! RORY inserts himself between AMY and her view of the alien, breaking contact. RORY: Amy? What do you remember? RORY moves and the creature is gone. AMY: I don't know, I just... (holds a hand to her stomach) RORY: Amy, what's wrong? RIVER: Amy? DOCTOR: You all right? AMY: Yeah, no, I'm fine, I'm just...feeling a little sick. (heads for the door) Excuse me, is there a toilet, or something? PETERSON: Sorry, ma'am, during this procedure, you must remain within the Oval Office. CANTON: Shut up and take her to the rest room. PETERSON nods to the other AGENT. AGENT 2: This way, ma'am. AMY: Thanks. RORY makes to follow, but PETERSON puts a hand on his chest. CANTON: Your five minutes are up. DOCTOR: Yeah, and where's my fez? INT. WHITE HOUSE HALL, NIGHT The AGENT leads AMY to the toilet and tries to follow her inside. AMY: Actually, I can usually manage this alone. (enters room) INT. WHITE HOUSE REST ROOM AMY steps inside and gasps when she sees the creature standing there. AMY: I saw you before. At the lake...and here. But then I forgot. How did I forget? What are you? The toilet flushes and a WOMAN steps out of one of the stalls and heads for the sink. AMY: Get back! Stay back from it! The WOMAN turns around and screams when she sees it but then laughs. WOMAN: Oh, my God, what is that, is that a mask? Is that a Star Trek thing? Ben, is that you? AMY: Get back from it, now! The WOMAN turns around and looks at AMY. WOMAN: Back from what, honey? AMY: That! WOMAN: (looks back) Oh, my God, look at that. Is that a Star Trek mask? Ben, that's gotta be you. Hang on, did I just say all that? AMY: No, please, you've got to stay back! WOMAN: (turns to AMY) Back, honey? Back from what? (the lights begin to flicker) Oh, those lights. They never fix them. AMY: Look behind you! WOMAN: Honey, there is nothing... The creature is reaching out with its arm and its mouth is now open. The WOMAN looks to the creature again. The creature shoots electricity from his fingers and the WOMAN screams as she disintergrates. AMY: You didn't have to kill her, she couldn't even remember you! How does that work? We can only remember you, while we're seeing you, is that it? (takes a photo with camera) Why did you have to kill her? CREATURE: Joy. Her name was Joy. Your name is Amelia. You will tell the Doctor. (advances) AMY: Tell him what? CREATURE: What he must know. And what he must never know. AMY: How do you know about that? CREATURE: Tell him. AMY rushes out of the bathroom. INT. WHITE HOUSE HALL, NIGHT The AGENT notices her distress. AGENT 2: Are you OK? AMY: I'm...I'm fine. Much better, thanks. AGENT 2: (sees her phone) What's that? AMY: It's my phone. AGENT 2: Your phone? AMY: I have to tell the Doctor. AGENT 2: Tell him what, ma'am? AMY: Sorry. I don't know why I said that. AGENT 2: This way, ma'am. The AGENT leads her back to the Oval Office. INT. OVAL OFFICE, NIGHT The phone on NIXON'S desk rings. CANTON: The kid? NIXON: Should I answer it? DOCTOR: Here! (points to the map) The only place in the United States that call could be coming from. See? Obvious when you think about it. AMY and the AGENT return. CANTON: (peers at the map) You, sir, are a genius. DOCTOR: It's a hobby. CANTON: Mr President, answer the phone. NIXON: (picks up phone) Hello. This is President Nixon. CHILD: (over phone) It's here! The Space Man's here. It's gonna get me. It's gonna eat me! The DOCTOR grabs his jacket and backs towards the TARDIS. AMY, RORY and RIVER enter first. DOCTOR: There's no time for a SWAT team, let's go! Mr President, tell her help's on the way. Canton, on no account follow me into this box and close the door behind you. (enters TARDIS) CANTON: What the hell are you doing? (follows into the TARDIS) The TARDIS dematerializes. CHILD: (over phone) Mr President, please help! Please help me! NIXON: Jefferson, it's all right. I'm sending my best people. INT. TARDIS, CONSOLE AREA CANTON stays by the door looking around in stunned amazement. DOCTOR: Jefferson isn't a girl's name, or her name either. Jefferson Adams Hamilton... River? RIVER: Surnames of three of America's founding fathers. DOCTOR: Lovely fellas, two of them fancied me. CANTON turns around, mouth open. RORY: Are you OK? Coping? DOCTOR: The President asked the child two questions. Where and who are you? She was answering where. CANTON: It's bigger on the inside. RORY: You get used to it. DOCTOR: Now where would you find three big historical names in a row like that? AMY: Where? DOCTOR: Here! Come on! The DOCTOR runs for the door with AMY and RIVER following. CANTON stops him. CANTON: It's er... DOCTOR: (to RORY) Are you taking care of this? The DOCTOR, RIVER and AMY continue out the door. RORY: Why's it always my turn? AMY: (stops) Cos you're the newest. (kisses him) AMY leaves and RORY puts a hand on CANTON'S shoulder. INT. WAREHOUSE, NIGHT The warehouse is dirty and cluttered. The DOCTOR sits at a desk, waving around a small American flag. AMY: Where are we? DOCTOR: About five miles from Cape Kennedy Space Centre. It's 1969, the year of the Moon. Interesting, don't you think? AMY turns on her flashlight and RIVER uses her hand-held device to scan the area. AMY: Why would a girl be here? DOCTOR: I don't know. Lost, maybe. RIVER picks up the phone. DOCTOR: The President asked where she was and she did what any lost little girl would do. (stands) She looked out the window. (peers through the blinds) Right outside the window are street signs: Jefferson, Hamilton and Adams. AMY: Streets. Of course, street names! DOCTOR: The only place in Florida, probably all of America, with those three street names on the same junction, and, Dr Song, you've got that face on again. RIVER: What face? DOCTOR: The "he's hot when he's clever" face. RIVER: This is my normal face. DOCTOR: It is. RIVER: Oh, shut up. DOCTOR: Not a chance. The DOCTOR checks the phone receiver just as CANTON and RORY exit the TARDIS. CANTON: We've moved. How, how can we have moved? DOCTOR: You haven't even got to space travel yet? RORY: I was going to cover it with time travel. (shuts the TARDIS door) CANTON: Time travel? DOCTOR: Brave heart, Canton. Come on! (heads off to explore) CANTON: So we're in a box, that's bigger on the inside and it travels through time and space? RORY: Basically. CANTON: How long have Scotland Yard had this? RORY and CANTON follow after the others. RIVER: It's a warehouse of some kind. Disused. DOCTOR: You realise this is almost certainly a trap, of course. RIVER: I noticed the phone, yes. AMY: What about it? RIVER: It was cut off. So how did the child phone from here? AMY: OK. But why would anyone want to trap us? DOCTOR: Don't know. Let's see if anyone tries to kill us, and work backwards. In the shadows, the astronaut watches. RIVER: Now why would a little girl be here? DOCTOR: I don't know, let's find her and ask her. They find a tilted operating table that seems to have organic components attached. RIVER: It's non-terrestrial, definitely alien, probably not even from this time zone. DOCTOR: Which is odd, because... look at this! There are boxes of items that pique the DOCTOR'S interest. RIVER: It's Earth tech, contemporary. DOCTOR: Very contemporary. Cutting edge. This is from the space programme! AMY: Stolen? What, by aliens? DOCTOR: Apparently. (puts on helmet) AMY: Why? If you can make it to Earth, why steal technology that can barely make it to the moon? DOCTOR: (muffled) Maybe cos it's cooler. (lifts visor) Look how cool this stuff is! AMY: Cool aliens? DOCTOR: Well, what would you call me? AMY: An alien. DOCTOR: Oi! RORY and CANTON join them as the DOCTOR removes the helmet. RORY: I, er, I think he's OK now. DOCTOR: Ah, back with us, Canton? CANTON: Like your wheels. DOCTOR: That's my boy! So come on - little girl, let's find her. RIVER examines the table, lifting a cable that drips something slimy when she holds it up. AMY bends beside her. AMY: River... RIVER: I know what you're thinking. AMY: No, you don't. RIVER: You're thinking if we can find the Space Man in 1969, and neutralise it, then it won't be around in 2011 to kill the Doctor. AMY: OK, lucky guess. RIVER: That's only because I was thinking it too. AMY: So let's do it. RIVER: It doesn't work like that. We came here because of what we saw in the future. If we try and prevent the future from happening, we create a paradox. AMY: Time can be rewritten. RIVER: Not all of it. AMY: Says who? RIVER: Who do you think? Using the light, RIVER follows one of the cables to a manhole cover. RIVER: What's this? AMY: We can still save him. RIVER: Doctor! Look at this. (pushes cover aside) DOCTOR: So where does that go? RIVER: (scans) There's a network of tunnels running under here. DOCTOR: Life signs? RIVER: No, nothing that's showing up. DOCTOR: Those are the worst kind. Be careful. RIVER: (enters manhole) Careful? Tried that once, ever so dull. DOCTOR: Shout if you get in trouble. RIVER: Don't worry, I'm quite the screamer. Now there's a spoiler for you! (climbs down) CANTON: So what's going on here? DOCTOR: Nothing... She's just a friend. RORY: (leans over) I think he's talking about the possible alien incursion. DOCTOR: OK. (claps RORY and CANTON on the shoulder) INT. UNDERGROUND TUNNELS RIVER reaches the bottom of the ladder and uses the flashlight to follow the cable. The light wakes the sleeping aliens. INT. WAREHOUSE, NIGHT CANTON and AMY are examining some of the equipment. CANTON: So... I was in a bar having a drink. Tell me honestly, am I still there? AMY: 'Fraid not. RIVER climbs up in a hurry, panting. She then calms as if nothing's wrong. RIVER: All clear. Just tunnels, nothing down there I can see. Er, give me five minutes, I want to take another look round. DOCTOR: Stupidly dangerous. RIVER: Yep, I like it too. (softer) Amy, look after him. (goes back down) DOCTOR: Rory, would you mind going with her? RORY: Yeah, a bit. DOCTOR: Then I appreciate it all the more. (pats him on the back) RORY: (unenthusiastically) Hang on, River, I'm coming too. INT. UNDERGROUND TUNNELS RORY climbs down and sees RIVER leaning over, breathing heavily RORY: You OK? RIVER: Ah yes, yes. I just felt a bit sick. It's the prison food probably. (takes a few deep breaths) This way, what do you think? As RORY nervously follows RIVER, we see one of the aliens walk slowly past. RORY: I keep thinking I hear things. RIVER: Interesting! These tunnels are old. Really old. How can they be really old and nobody notice them? The light catches a door. RORY: It's a maintenance hatch. RIVER: (tries to open it) It's locked. (kneels) Why do people always lock things? RORY: What's through there? RIVER: No idea. RORY: Something bad? RIVER: Almost definitely. RORY: You're going to open it, aren't you? RIVER: It's locked. How's a girl supposed to resist? RORY: Is this sensible? RIVER: God, I hope not. (sets to opening the lock) RORY: You and the Doctor...I can kind of picture it. RIVER: Keep a look out. RORY: What did you mean? What you said to Amy. There's a worse day coming for you. RIVER: When I first met the Doctor, a long, long time ago... he knew all about me. Think about that. Impressionable young girl, and suddenly this man just drops out of the sky, he's clever and mad and wonderful and knows every last thing about her. Imagine what that does to a girl. RORY: (softly) I don't really have to. RIVER: Trouble is, it's all back to front. My past is his future. We're travelling in opposite directions. Every time we meet, I know him more, he knows me less. I live for the days when I see him. But I know that every time I do, he'll be one step further away. And the day's coming, when I'll look into that man's eyes... my Doctor... and he won't have the faintest idea who I am. (the lock whirrs) And I think it's going to kill me. RIVER stands and opens the door. INT. UNDERGROUND CONTROL ROOM The room is cavernous and it looks like the control room from "The Lodger". RORY: What is this place? As RIVER steps closer to the center, the alarm goes off. RIVER: That's an alarm. Check if anything's coming. RORY nods and looks outside the room. The alien creatures walk menacingly towards him. He pulls his head back in to warn RIVER. RORY: There's nothing out there. RIVER uses her scanner on one of the control panels. RIVER: These tunnels, they're not just here, they're everywhere. They're running under the surface of the entire planet! They've been here for centuries! There is a crackle of energy from the tunnel behind RORY. He slowly turns and there is a bright flash. RIVER: Rory! INT. WAREHOUSE, NIGHT CANTON and AMY are examining some of the equipment. AMY: So, you were kicked out of the FBI because you had attitude problems. CANTON: No. I just wanted to get married. AMY: Is that a crime? CANTON: Yes. (points in the DOCTOR'S direction) Doctor who, exactly? AMY looks over to the DOCTOR who sticks his head into a large crate. AMY: That's classified. CANTON: Classified by who? AMY: God knows. CANTON: But you work for him. AMY: He's my friend. If "friend" is the right word. I haven't seen him in a while. I had something I wanted to tell him, but stuff always gets in the way. CANTON: Stuff does that. GIRL: Help me! All three are immediately alert. CANTON pulls out his gun. GIRL: Help! Help me! CANTON: It's her! AMY runs to follow after CANTON but doubles over, gasping in pain. The DOCTOR goes to her. DOCTOR: Amy? What's wrong? AMY: I need to tell you something! CANTON: Doctor! AMY: It's important. It's really, really important. CANTON: Doctor! Quickly! DOCTOR: What, now? The DOCTOR pulls AMY along to another section of the warehouse. They find CANTON unconscious on the floor. They run over to him. DOCTOR: Canton! Canton, are you OK? (kneels) AMY: Is he all right? DOCTOR: Just unconscious. Got a proper whack though. AMY: Doctor, I need to tell you something. I have to tell you it now! DOCTOR: Not a great moment, Amy. AMY: No, it's important, it has to be now! GIRL: Help! Help me! Help me! AMY: Doctor... I'm pregnant. They hear thudding footsteps and the DOCTOR stands. Coming towards them is the astronaut. AMY: That's it. The astronaut! The astronaut raises its hand and AMY reaches over and grabs CANTON'S gun. With her back to the astronaut, she doesn't see as it raises its visor to reveal the GIRL. GIRL: Help me! AMY: (slow motion distorted) Get down! (stands) DOCTOR: (slow motion distorted) What are you doing! AMY: (slow motion distorted) Saving your life! DOCTOR: (slow motion distorted) No! AMY fires the gun without realizing it's the GIRL. She screams.

Amy, Rory and River Song receive invitations to the Utah desert where they meet the Doctor, who claims to be nearly 200 years older than when they had last seen him and says that he will take them to "Space: 1969". As they dine beside Lake Silencio they witness an unknown figure in a spacesuit kill the Doctor and are then met by an old man called Canton Everett Delaware III, who had also been invited. They meet a younger version of the Doctor who had been invited and land in the Oval Office in 1969, where they are enlisted by President Nixon to assist a younger version of Canton in saving a terrified little girl from a mysterious spaceman. The Doctor traces her to a warehouse in Florida where they investigate, unaware that the warehouse contains creatures which they forget after looking away from. After Amy tells the Doctor she is pregnant, the little girl appears in a spacesuit and Amy shoots at her.

fd_Alias_05x07

fd_Alias_05x07_0

(INT. UNIVERSITY OF ROME BUILDING - DAY) Sydney is walking down a hallway with the Chancellor of the University of Rome. SYDNEY: Devo ammettere, Signor Rettore, che dopo questa visita avrei voluto frequentare la vostra universit . [I have to admit, Chancellor... after getting the tour, I wish I had attended your university.] CHANCELLOR: L'importante, Signora Borghese, che Lei sia qui ora. Il vostro contributo per la nuova ala in restauro molto apprezzato. Grazie. [The important thing is you're here now. Your donation for a new restoration wing is so appreciated.] SYDNEY: I nuovi artisti dovrebbero vedere le Piet del mondo. [The artists of the future should see the "Pietas" of the world.] CHANCELLOR: Sono pienamente d'accordo. Veda, per questo che abbiamo aperto la nostra collezione privata al pubblico. [I totally agree. That's why we've recently opened our private collection to the general public.] CUT TO Someone prying the hinge of a fastener holding a door shut with a padlock. The person pushes the door open and goes inside. Ren e Rienne gains access to a hallway in what looks like the basement. CHANCELLOR: Mi farebbe piacere presentar La ai Decani dell'Universit . Prego da questa parte. [Then I'd like to introduce you to the Dean of Students. Please, this way.] REN E: (comms) I'm at the archive. Your turn now. Sydney and the Chancellor reach an office. When the chancellor turns his back to her to unlock the door with an access card, Sydney slips something from the chancellor's coat pocket. CHANCELLOR: (opening door) Da questa parte, prego. Prego. [Please.] Sydney gasps and feigns losing her balance as if she were about to faint. The chancellor catches her. CHANCELLOR: Signora Borghese, oh mio Dio, mio Dio! Ch' successo? Si sieda un attimo. [What happened?] Sydney blinks and looks dizzy. CHANCELLOR: Venga, venga, venga. Oh Dio! [Come, come, come. Oh, my God!] The chancellor pulls up a chair for Sydney. CHANCELLOR: Sta meglio? [Do you feel better?] SYDNEY: Un leggero capogiro. [Just light-headed.] CHANCELLOR: Meglio. respiri, respiri. [Breathe, Breathe -] SYDNEY: Il piccolino sta gi provando a insegnare alla mamma chi comanda. [Little girl is already trying to teach her mother who's boss.] CHANCELLOR: (laughing) Questi bambini sono terribili! [These children are terrible!] SYDNEY: Potrebbe gentilmente portarmi dell'acqua? [Would you be so kind and grab me some water?] CHANCELLOR: Comando. Respiri. [Of course. Breathe.] SYDNEY: Grazie. [Thank you.] The chancellor leaves. Quickly, Sydney takes out the key holder she swiped from the Chancellor's pocket and pulls a key from the ring. From her purse, she retrieves a device with a mold inside. She presses the key into the mold and closes the device. SYDNEY: Got the key. It's transmitting now. Insert key template. Ren e has a similar device. She loads the template into the device, and a light on the device flashes red. She opens it, revealing a duplicate key. REN E: Perfect. I'm entering the archive. Ren e puts the key into the archive door and unlocks it. Sydney puts the device back into her purse and looks around for something at the desk. Ren e searches the archive with a flashlight. The room is lined with shelves of numbered boxes. REN E: I need the lock number. CUT TO flashback of Sydney and Ren e meeting. SYDNEY: So what are we looking for? REN E: All I know is it's intended for Gordon Dean. The intel I received said it will be left for him at the University of Rome inside a package shipped to their museum archive. SYDNEY: Well, how will we know which package? REN E: It will be sent from Milan from an alias - Marcello Demasi. CUT TO the present. Sydney is looking through the papers in a clipboard. SYDNEY: I found the alias. Can you give me a moment to find the name? Sydney finds the name and number on one of the pages. SYDNEY: Here it is. Marcello Demasi. Num- PROFESSOR CHOI: Sydney? Sydney Bristow? I don't believe it. Sydney flips the pages of the clipboard back and puts it down. SYDNEY: Professor Choi. REN E: Sydney, I need the lock number. PROFESSOR CHOI: Look at you. You look great! SYDNEY: Thank you. REN E: Sydney. SYDNEY: What are you doing in Rome? PROFESSOR CHOI: Uh, sabbatical. I'm teaching classes and doing some research. And what about you? SYDNEY: Oh, I've just been traveling - (pressing her finger to her ear) 12 countries in 22 months. REN E: Got it. 1222. SYDNEY: I know that's a lot, but I won't have a chance after the baby's born. PROFESSOR CHOI: Ah. REN E: Now get out of there, before the Chancellor gets back. SYDNEY: Well, I should let you get back to your class. PROFESSOR CHOI: No problem. I'm on a lunch break. We have plenty of time. SYDNEY: Great. Ren e finds Box 1222. She starts to open it, but someone is opening the archive door. Ren e quickly hides behind a stack of boxes. A man walks in with a flashlight. Ren e draws her gun. PROFESSOR CHOI: You know, uh, I don't wanna be presumptive, but, uh, you married? SYDNEY: Newlyweds. PROFESSOR CHOI: Ah, eager to start a family then? SYDNEY: I guess you could say we dove right in. PROFESSOR CHOI: Well, he must be some guy. You seem really happy. SYDNEY: (pauses) He is. Meanwhile, the man who entered the archive goes to open Box 1222. AGENT ONE: I found the shipment. I'm retrieving the package. Ren e creeps forward with her gun ready. The man pulls a sculpture from the box. REN E: (cocking gun) I'll take that. The man turns toward Ren e, holding up the sculpture in his hand. REN E: Put it down. Step back. The man lowers his hand slightly but tosses the statue toward Ren e, who is distracted as she catches the statue with her left hand. The man kicks her, knocking her backwards and allowing him to catch the sculpture. He pulls his gun out, but Ren e deflects his arm just as he fires. Ren e sweep kicks the man, knocking him down to the ground. The man performs a kip up, propelling himself quickly up off the ground and onto his feet. The two struggle over control of the statue. The man pushes Ren e into the boxes with a choke hold. Ren e punches the man, who drops the statue, breaking it and revealing a key card hidden inside. With one swift move, Ren e reaches down and grabs the card, avoiding a kick from the man, and then kicks him, knocking him out. REN E: Got it. I'm on my way to the extraction point. PROFESSOR CHOI: So is he with you, your husband? SYDNEY: He's at the hotel. Sydney notices the chancellor is coming back with a glass of water. SYDNEY: I'd love for you to meet him. Um, we'll take you to dinner. If you'll just write down your number. PROFESSOR CHOI: Sure, I would like that. Here, take my card. Professor Choi reaches into his bag and gets a card out, but when he looks up again, Sydney is gone. The Chancellor also arrives and looks for Sydney. Both men look confused. Outside, Sydney walks down the steps and meets with Ren e. REN E: It was inside the sculpture. SYDNEY: Any idea what it is for? REN E: No. So... who was that man? Choi? SYDNEY: No one. He was from another life. (INT. NATIONAL NAVAL HOSPITAL - NIGHT) Arvin Sloane enters and shows his badge to a guard. He pauses at Nadia's door before entering and walking over to her, planting a kiss on her forehead. DR. MARKS: She's still unresponsive. There's been no change since yesterday. I'm afraid the Xylenol didn't work. SLOANE: The drug is still in the experimental stage. It deserves more time. DR. MARKS: Mr. Sloane, we've kept Nadia in a medically-induced coma for five months now. None of our procedures have shown any promise. When we bring her out, she displays the same violent propensities. Now these treatments are extremely costly. SLOANE: Expense is not an issue. DR. MARKS: We've simply run out of options. At this point, anything that we may try is unlikely to inspire change. It may... even do more harm than good. SLOANE: I am not prepared to give up. DR. MARKS: Neither are we. In the meantime, I think you should consider alternative care... in a place a little more comfortable. SLOANE: Okay. Thank you, Doctor. Dr. Marks leaves. Sloane puts his hand on Nadia. His phone rings. SLOANE: (answering) Yes? DEAN: How is she doing today? I feel for you. I can't imagine how hard it must be looking into the face of your own sins. SLOANE: What do you want, Dean? DEAN: Sydney Bristow has taken something of mine - an access card. I want you to get it back. SLOANE: Why? What is it for? DEAN: That's none of your concern. Forty-eight hours. Don't let me down. Gordon Dean finishes the call. He is walking with Peyton out of a building. PEYTON: Are you sure this is the right move? DEAN: The right move...? PEYTON: If they find out what you're up to - DEAN: Oh, they won't. Besides, I don't think I have a choice at this point. PEYTON: You're being paranoid again. You're too important to this operation to be dismissed over a few setbacks. DEAN: Well, maybe you're right, but some life insurance will help me sleep better at night. You, too, I imagine. Odds are, if they terminate me, they'll decide our entire cell is a security risk. I'll let you know when Sloane contacts me. Dean gets into his car. Peyton watches as he drives off. (INT. APO - DAY) Jack is working on his computer when Sloane walks into his office. SLOANE: Hello, Jack. JACK: Arvin, good news. Sydney's mission in Italy was a success. SLOANE: Yes, I already knew that. JACK: Did you? How? SLOANE: Gordon Dean told me. ALIAS Title Sequence (INT. SYDNEY'S HOUSE - DAY) [Music - Rachael Yamagata: "1963"] Rachel is sitting on the couch in the living room, working on something. Sydney walks in the house. RACHEL: Marshall ran analysis on the card you retrieved. SYDNEY: (setting down her purse) He suspects it's an access key for a secure network. RACHEL: So we just have to figure out which network. Well, luckily there are only ten billion secure networks in the world. SYDNEY: We may have a dead end on that side, but we intercepted Dean's property. I'm guessing he's not too happy about that, so... The doorbell rings. SYDNEY: ...I'll take what I can get. Sydney answers the door. Two delivery men are waiting. DELIVERY MAN: Delivery for Sydney Bristow. SYDNEY: Hey! Come on in. Sydney lets the delivery men enter with a large box. SYDNEY: Just put it in the nursery. It's right through there. DELIVERY MAN: Thanks. SYDNEY: (explaining to Rachel) Crib. Inside the nursery, Sydney looks around the room. It is empty, except for a few paint cans, some built-in shelving, and the newly-delivered box with the crib. Rachel joins her. RACHEL: You know, the, uh, nursery could use a little work. SYDNEY: I don't know. I think it's kind of airy. I'll grab my bag. We can head in to work. RACHEL: I thought you were taking the day off. SYDNEY: I was. That was before we had ten billion secure networks to analyze. (smiles) RACHEL: I have a better idea. First, let's set up the crib, and then at least that way, we'll know we got something accomplished today. SYDNEY: It's okay. I'll do it later. RACHEL: What could it take, half an hour? SYDNEY: I used to think that stuff would be so fun - decorating a room and picking out colors. (pauses) Hasn't turned out exactly the way I thought it would. Rachel looks at Sydney sadly. Sydney's cell phone rings. SYDNEY: Yeah? (INT. APO - DAY) Inside Jack's office, Sloane explains his arrangement with Gordon Dean to Jack and Sydney. SLOANE: I was first contacted about a month ago. It was during my sentencing hearings. As I told your father, the terms were simple. They offered to sway the Committee's decision for my release and I, in turn, would be indebted to them. It was not made clear what that would entail, but I had an idea. SYDNEY: You've been lying to us this whole time. SLOANE: There's no justification. However, faced with spending the rest of my life in prison while my daughter was in the hospital, I - JACK: Nadia hasn't made any improvement. Why admit this to us now? What's changed? SLOANE: Nadia won't be getting better, Jack. Jack looks over at Sydney. SLOANE: If I have to face a life without my daughter... I still have to live with myself. It sounds hollow, I know, in light of what I just told you... but I consider you both to be my family. SYDNEY: ...You expect us to forgive you now? SLOANE: No, Sydney, not at all. I know how much pain Dean has caused you, as well as Rachel Gibson. I have damaged your investigation enough. Ironically, Dean's arrangement puts me in a unique situation. The last thing he expects of me is to double-cross him. SYDNEY: You'll help us arrest him...? SLOANE: Yes. He's tasked me with recovering something you took from him - an access card. I can use that as bait. SYDNEY: Understand something. If this is a setup - SLOANE: It's not, Sydney. I assure you. Once we have Dean in custody, he will be forced to expose his organization, and you will have all the answers you're looking for. JACK: You have a way to contact Dean? CUT TO Sloane talking on the phone. Dean answers his phone. DEAN: Hello? SLOANE: It's me. I have what you wanted. DEAN: Good. I knew I could count on you. Jack watches Sloane make the call. SLOANE: Where should we meet? DEAN: Get a pen. Write this down. CUT TO APO planning the operation. DIXON: The meeting place is a racetrack. Dean may trust Sloane, but he's still being cautious He picked this location because it's safe - several exit strategies, a large crowed to blend in with. MARSHALL: That or maybe he's got Lollipop in the second. SYDNEY: We'll have to grab him before he has the chance to slip out. RACHE: That won't be easy. Dean doesn't go anywhere without a security detail. It'll most likely be two men - heavily armed, nearly invisible. We can assume that one will shadow Dean, the other, Sloane. MARSHALL: Um, sorry. Is anybody else having d j vu here? I mean, first Sloane was good, then he's bad, now he's good again? Although, I guess he was bad at first. I just thought - JACK: We have a significant tactical disadvantage. Dean knows what we look like. He can ID every one of us. TOM: Not everyone. He's never seen me... but I look forward to making his acquaintance. JACK: Good. Tom, you'll take lead. Dixon, Sydney, Rachel, you'll provide support in the field. I want a plan drafted within the hour. Wheels up at 1500. We may not have another chance like this. Let's make it count. DUBAI (INT. A VAN PARKED OUTSIDE THE RACETRACK - DAY) SYDNEY: Dean's reserved you a seat in the grandstand. He won't arrive until he's confirmed you're alone. If we put a transmitter on you, his security countermeasures may detect it, so I'll be tracking you remotely. You'll need this. (holds up the access card that Ren e recovered) SLOANE: It's a facsimile, I assume. SYDNEY: No, it's the real card. Dean may verify it with a reader. We'll move in as soon as we've intercepted his men, but until then, you'll have to stall. RACHEL: (coming into the back of the van) Okay. I hacked into the closed-circuit feeds. We're ready to go. SYDNEY: Okay, you're up. SLOANE: Look, Sydney... I may have lost the opportunity to save my own child. I only hope that by taking out Dean, I will have helped to save yours. Good luck. Sloane leaves the van. RACHEL: Okay. (pulls up closed-circuit feed on her computer) Dixon and Tom are in position. No sign of Dean yet. SYDNEY: He won't reveal himself until Sloane is in place. (INT. RACETRACK - DAY) Sydney, dressed a light blue dress with a wrap and a large, wide-brimmed hat, forces her way through a crowd to get to her seat. SYDNEY: (using a Southern accent) Excuse me, Mama comin' through. Watch out. Don't jostle the package. Tom sits at the bar and drinks out a metal flask. Dixon, wearing a salwar kameez with his face disguised under a shora, sits in the lobby reading the newspaper. Sydney holds up her ticket to an usher and moves toward her seat, making her way past a woman wearing a headscarf and a man with a decorated shora. SYDNEY: How y'all doin'? You gonna help me pick a winner today, Skinny? Haha. He's cute... for a sheik! Sydney takes her seat and looks around. She points the purse, which is equipped with a device, in a specific direction. She watches through her binoculars as Sloane takes his assigned seat in the stand. SLOANE: Excuse me, that's my seat. [SCENE_BREAK] (INT. APO - DAY) Jack and Marshall monitor the team's progress. MARSHALL: Okay, laser mic's on target, Phoenix. Reception's good. (INT. RACETRACK - DAY) TOM: (comms) Hey, base. You got a visual? MARSHALL: Affirmative, Sidewinder. TOM: Good, 'cause uh, I was wondering, what do you think of this suit? Pretty sweet, huh? MARSHALL: Yeah, it's a nice... suit on you. Blue's a good color. And for you as well, Director Bristow. JACK: Thanks. Oracle, can you get us a closer look at Sloane? Rachel zooms in on Sloane. RACHEL: How's that? JACK: Fine. DIXON: I got him. Gordon Dean comes up the stairs. DIXON: The package has arrived. East concourse. MARSHALL: There. SYDNEY: Sloane's in position. Dixon follows Gordon Dean. DIXON: Sidewinder, we're headed your way. TOM: Ten-four. Let's do this. RACHEL: We've got you. JACK: Sidewinder, you're up. Tom pours out some alcohol from the flask onto his hands and dabs it on his neck. He bumps into Gordon Dean. TOM: (using Australian accent) How ya doin', mate? Dean continues walking, but Tom keeps talking to him. TOM: Well, I'm fantastic, thanks for asking. You know why? The Tasmanian devil is straight as a string. Gonna make me a rich man. The thing is, I'm short two grand. What do you say you front me, and I double it for you by dark? DEAN: Not today. TOM: Come on, mate. That watch alone would get me two grand across the card. DEAN: (walking away) We need an assist here. SECURITY DETAIL: (pulling Tom aside) This way. The guard walks Tom toward a sofa. Tom pulls a taser from his pocket, stuns Dean's security guard, and eases him into the sofa. TOM: First security detail down. The second one hasn't shown. But this guy's wearing an earpiece. JACK: Which means Dean's communicating with him via radio. He could be anywhere. Outrigger, until we ID the second detail, we'll have to proceed with the meet. DIXON: Copy that. Sydney looking through her binoculars as Dean meets with Sloane. The "cute sheik" behind Sydney notices. SHEIK: You search crowd. Someone you know? SYDNEY: Yes, I do. Dean takes his seat next to Sloane. DEAN: Lovely day. SLOANE: Yes, it is. RACHEL; Outrigger, if Dean's following his standard protocol, that second detail shouldn't be any more than fifty feet away. DEAN: Do you have something for me? SLOANE: I do. Sloane pulls out a case from his coat pocket and opens it. He pulls out the access card and hands it to Dean. Meanwhile, Sydney searches the crowd for the second security detail. SYDNEY: Outrigger, I've got him at 12:00. Blue cap, binoculars. DIXON: I'm on it. Dixon walks over to the second security detail. DIXON: (using accent) Excuse me, sir. I believe you have my seat. As the guard begins to stand, Dixon uses a taser on him. The guard slumps back into his seat, unconscious. DIXON: Drinks too much! Filthy habit. Dixon leaves the second security guard. DIXON: Second security detail is down. JACK: Good work. At that moment, the race begins and the people attending the race stand and clap, blocking Sydney's view. The track announcer begins calling the positions over the public address system. JACK: Outrigger and Sidewinder, move in. Unfortunately, the APO team only hears feedback on the comms. Gordon Dean swipes the cardkey through a scanner to verify it. DEAN: It's been a pleasure. Post One, what's your status? Marshall and Jack watch the closed circuit feed helplessly. JACK: Outrigger, Sidewinder, move in. DEAN: Post Two, what's your status? SYDNEY: Oracle, I've lost sight of him. DEAN: Post Two, do you copy? JACK: Sidewinder, come in! Outrigger, do you copy? MARSHALL: Their PA system must be bleeding into our channel. I'll try to find an open frequency. (works on his computer) SYDNEY: Oracle, do you copy? I've lost - RACHEL: Outrigger? Phoenix? JACK: (still trying comms) Come in. We've got a problem! DEAN: Stand up. SLOANE: Why? DEAN: We're gonna take a walk. Sloane hesitates and looks around. Dean pulls out a gun. DEAN: Do it now. Dutifully, Sloane gets up, with Dean following right behind him. RACHEL: Base? Anyone? Tom and Dixon still can't hear feedback on their comms and stand their positions. JACK: Phoenix! RACHEL: Damn it. (gets up) Dean leads Sloane through the stables SLOANE: You don't need to do this. I'm telling you, I came by myself. DEAN: Just keep going. Dean unlocks a silver Mercedes with a remote. Sloane spins around and knocks the gun from Dean's hand. Dean throws a punch, but Sloane blocks it. Dean quickly attacks from the other side and grabs Sloane, punching him in the stomach. Dean slams Sloane into a railing. Sloane collapses to the ground. Dean kicks him, knocking him out. RACHEL: (running up) Stop! Dean walks toward Rachel and stares at her. DEAN: Well, isn't this a surprise? Rachel returns his stare. DEAN: What are you doing here, Rachel? Rachel looks down at the gun on the ground. Dean follows her eyes. DEAN: (incredulously) You gonna fight me? Why do you think we never put you in the field? Because we knew you weren't equipped. RACHEL: Well, then... that was your loss. Rachel kicks Dean. Dean punches her in the face and grabs her by the back of her neck. He throws Rachel to the side near some garden tools. Dean picks up his gun and turns toward Rachel, but is met with a shovel to the head. SYDNEY: Oracle, come in. Do you have a visual? RACHEL: (breathless) Yeah, actually, on - on Dean. SYDNEY: What's he doing? RACHEL: Eating dirt. I just hit him with a shovel. SYDNEY: A shovel? Is he conscious? RACHEL: Yeah, I think so. SYDNEY: Then hit him again. Rachel picks the shovel up again and wields it, as Dean groans from the ground. She slams the shovel down on Dean again. (INT. APO - NIGHT) Gordon Dean is brought into APO by two gaurds, accompanied by Rachel Gibson. SYDNEY: (on the phone) We got Dean. RENEE: That's good. What happens now? SYDNEY: He tells us everything, and we get the truth about Prophet Five. Inside a room, Dean is strapped to a chair. Sydney comes into the room. DEAN: You seem very pleased with yourself. SYDNEY: I'll keep this simple. We have a few questions for you. We want to know who you're working for and what their agenda is. The only other question is whether you'll cooperate willingly or unwillingly. (holds up a syringe) DEAN: The ironic thing is, Ms. Bristow, you and I may not share the same agenda, but we have the same goal. Sydney draws fluid into the syringe and looks at Dean questioningly. DEAN: I want to know who I'm working for as much as you do. Unfortunately, for both of us, you robbed me of that opportunity. The access card. SYDNEY: You were making a power play. DEAN: The people I answer to - their power stems from remaining anonymous. I was hoping to balance the playing field. All the information you want can be accessed off a communication hub using that card. But before I tell you the location, you have to agree to do something for me. SYDNEY: And what is that? DEAN: I want ten million dollars, as well as documents to authenticate half a dozen false identities and dental implants capable of fooling facial-recognition software. In short, you're going to make me disappear. SYDNEY: Not a chance. DEAN: I wouldn't be so hasty. That access card will expire in just under twelve hours, at which point the information will vanish and I can no longer help you, so...I suggest you talk to the people you answer to and share with them my offer. SYDNEY: I don't need to. I don't think it's gonna take that long. Sydney preps the needle and injects the fluid into Dean's arm. RACHEL: What is it? MARSHALL: LSD. Well, sort of. See, I started with a lysergic acid diethylamide-based serum and, you know... Flinkmanized it. Of course, he's not gonna see any dancing bears on this trip, I promise you that. Not that - I mean, I heard... about it from a guy once. I've never... Jack walks into the room. MARSHALL: Hey, Mr. Bristow. JACK: How long till we can interrogate Dean? MARSHALL: Not long. In about an hour, he'll think you're God. He'll tell you anything you wanna know. Of course, if you'd like, I could facilitate the process. JACK: Let's do that. Rock music begins playing in the room - loudly. JACK: I see you've done this before. (EXT. PIER - DAY) Arvin Sloane stands against a railing, looking out onto the ocean. Joseph Ehrmann interrupts. EHRMANN: Peaceful, hmm? SLOANE: Yeah, it is. EHRMANN: I imagine you're having quite a difficult day. Sloane looks over at Ehrmann suspiciously. EHRMANN: Am I right? SLOANE: Excuse me. Do I know you? EHRMANN: Nope, you don't know me, Mr. Sloane. But I do have one small favor to ask of you. My associates and I are aware of your adventure in Dubai. We also know that Gordon Dean is still in custody, presumably at APO. We need you to eliminate him. SLOANE: Eliminate him? EHRMANN: Yes, and we have every confidence that you'll be able to overcome any obstacles that stand in your way. SLOANE: I see. You can go to hell. I've already confessed my bargain with Mr. Dean. You people no longer have any power over me. EHRMANN: That may be. But we do still have plenty to offer. SLOANE: I doubt there's anything that you could do for me. Sloane's cell phone rings. EHRMANN: Uh, you should answer that. (walks away) SLOANE: (answering) Yeah. (INT. NATIONAL NAVAL HOSPITAL - DAY) Sloane bursts into the secure wing of the hospital. He looks into Nadia's room. Nadia stirs in her hospital bed, no longer comatose. Sloane walks into her room. Dr. Marks is standing in the room, monitoring Nadia. SLOANE: My God. Sloane walks over to Nadia and puts his hand on her shoulder. SLOANE: What did you do? DR. MARKS: Nothing. It just happened. The nurse came through on rounds fifteen minutes ago and found her awake. Sloane bends over and kisses Nadia's forehead. NADIA: (whispering) Dad? SLOANE: I'm right here, Sweetheart. I'm right here. NADIA: Where am I? SLOANE: You're gonna be okay, Nadia. You're gonna be okay. (smiles) (INT. APO - DAY) The loud music continues playing in Dean's room. The combination of the music and strobe lights overwhelm Dean, who thrashes around in his chair. MARSHALL: Well, his brain waves are all over the place, which I guess explains why his heart rate's off the chart. Maybe Twisted Sister wasn't the way to go. JACK: Cut it. Marshall shuts off the music. MARSHALL: Right. You know, I think I gave him too much diophorazide. My bad. I mean, he is hallucinating hard. Whatever he's seeing, it's scaring him to death, literally. JACK: We have to stabilize his vitals. He won't talk otherwise. MARSHALL: Well, no, I don't think his body can withstand any more drugs. SYDNEY: Then what do we do? MARSHALL: Well, not that I would know or anything, but... well, he needs to feel safe. I mean, maybe if somebody comforted him. Jack looks over at Sydney. CUT TO Sydney sitting next to Dean. Sydney puts her hand on Dean's shoulder. Dean looks over and is startled. DEAN: You! SYDNEY: Shh. I'm not gonna hurt you. I know you're scared. Just relax. DEAN: They want me dead. They'll kill me. SYDNEY: Well, that won't happen. I won't let it. I'm taking care of you now. Marshall checks the progress. MARSHALL: Okay, his heartrate's coming down. It's working! SYDNEY: I'm gonna ask you some questions. When you answer me, I'll make sure no one can hurt you. Okay? No one. Do you understand? DEAN: They want my eyes. Don't let them take my eyes. SYDNEY: No, I won't. No one can hurt you as long as I'm here. No one. Listen, the access card... it was designed to patch into a specific network. Tell me which one. Dean look saway. SYDNEY: Which network does the card access? DEAN: I can help you. When you see the watchman, you'll need me. I can help you. SYDNEY: Listen to me. You need to focus. How do I get into your organization's network? DEAN: Get away from me! SYDNEY: Shh. DEAN: It's your fault! I needed to find the secret. I needed protection! SYDNEY: I'm protecting you now. Tell me the secret. I'll keep it safe. Stay with me, Gordon. DEAN: The watchman is on the roof. You need to go... to the roof. SYDNEY: Okay. Which roof? Where do I find it? DEAN: Glenheim. SYDNEY: Okay, what is Glenheim? MARSHALL: Okay, there's a Glenheim Corp in Seattle. The Glenheim Towers. JACK: Pull up the building schematics. MARSHALL: I'll pull up the building schematics. Okay. There's a satellite on the roof connected to the network of servers. JACK: Rachel, we need a plane fueled and ready to leave for Seattle within the hour. Rachel gets up and leaves to make the arrangements. Jack's cell phone rings. JACK: (answering) Hello? (pauses) When? Inside the APO Conversation Room, Dean whimpers. DEAN: I shouldn't have done it. I didn't mean to. They insisted. SYDNEY: You didn't want to do what? DEAN: They insisted to k- kill Michael Vaughn. I can help you defeat them, but you have to hurry. They have plan for you. SYDNEY: What plans? The door opens. Jack walks in. JACK: Sydney, you need to go. I'll take over from here. Sydney hesitates, wanting to learn more from Gordon Dean. JACK: It's Nadia. (INT. NATIONAL NAVAL HOSPITAL - DAY) SLOANE: You've never looked more beautiful, Nadia. NADIA: Sovogda... SLOANE: Shh. NADIA: What happened? SLOANE: I'll tell you about it in time. Just rest for now. NADIA: (not feeling well, breathing more quickly) Dad? SLOANE: What is it? NADIA: Where's the doctor? SLOANE: Just stepped out for a minute. Nadia starts to twitch. NADIA: What's happening? Nadia thrashes around in her bed, her eyes red. Her monitors begin to beep. SLOANE: Oh, God. Please! I need help here! Please! Help! I need help here! Doctor! Dr. Marks and a nurse rush into the room. DR. MARKS: Help me hold her down. I need you to step back, Mr. Sloane. SLOANE: Nadia! Please! DR. MARKS: Blood pressure 70 over 50. I need 500 milligrams of Detropine IV. Dr. Marks injects the Detorpine into Nadia's IV. She calms down immediately. Sydney arrives at that moment. The medical team checks on Nadia. Later, Dr. Marks briefs Sloane and Sydney. DR. MARKS: We were forced to induce coma again. Look, I'll be honest. Waking up without any signs of her disease was, frankly, a fluke. Without an explanation, it's likely this is never gonna happen again. Of course, we'll watch her closely. Sloane nods. SYDNEY: Thank you, Doctor. Dr. Marks leaves. Sydney observes Sloane's pained expression for a moment. SYDNEY: You've done everything you can for her. Beyond that, it's out of your control. SLOANE: Thank you, Sydney. Sydney leaves. SEATTLE A helicopter flies above Glenheim Towers. Two figures - Dixon and Tom - descend onto the roof. DIXON: This is Outrigger. We've touched down. MARSHALL: Copy that. Sydney returns from the hospital and joins Jack, Marshall, and Rachel. JACK: I heard. Are you okay? SYDNEY: Yeah. JACK: How's Sloane? SYDNEY: Not well. Tom opens the roof access door to the building. Dixon and Tom climb down a set of stairs and find an access panel. JACK: We figured out what Dean was talking about. The network his organization's using is mobile. SYDNEY: Meaning...? RACHEL: Their communications are piggy-backed through a series of telecom satellites. The Glenheim people don't know they're being used, which is exactly the point. They wouldn't know the network was there unless they were looking for it. JACK: Further, the network is rerouted every few days as a precautionary measure. If we lose them now, we won't find them again. SYDNEY: How much time do we have? RACHEL: Twelve minutes, fifty-eight seconds. MARSHALL: Sidewinder, what's your status? TOM: We're at the dish. We're cutting through now. MARSHALL: Great. When you open up the panel, let me know what you're looking at. Dixon cuts open the panel with a blowtorch, revealing a screen with numbers on it. DIXON: I'm looking at a keypad and an LCD readout. MARSHALL: Okay, um, any access ports? DIXON: Affirmative. (plus a device into the port) Uplink should be coming your way. Marshall's computer begins acquiring the node data. MARSHALL: Got it. SYDNEY: Marshall, what are we looking at? MARSHALL: Not sure. It looks like the network's not tracking back to just one source. JACK: Meaning...? MARSHALL: Meaning when I try to locate the origin, several addresses keep popping up. I mean, it looks like the information's being fed by a number. Wait a minute. That is weird. One of the node streams to Credit Marquis...! RACHEL: What's that? JACK: Public front for French Intelligence. MARSHALL: That's not all. I mean, there's a stream back to Russian SVR, a European pharmaceutical conglomerate, the CDC, MI-6... This list goes on! JACK: So they're hijacking government servers? MARSHALL: No, if that were the case, I'd be able to detect it. I mean, this suggests... (shakes head) They are government. Jack looks concerned. SYDNEY: Dad? Gordon Dean didn't bribe someone on the inside to get Sloane out of jail. His organization is already on the inside. JACK: Marshall, can you trace those nodes? MARSHALL: Yeah, let me see what I can do. Arvin Sloane arrives at APO and checks his watch. The agent from Rome and another agent receive a signal from Sloane and are monitoring him. AGENT ONE: Right on time. Network diagnostic is up and running. Sloane walks past a security camera. AGENT ONE: You got two minutes to grab that coffee. Oh, and get me a cup, too? Little cream. The second agent leaves the room. Sloane takes out a handkerchief from his pocket and opens the door to APO's Conversation Room. DEAN: Arvin. SLOANE: For the next minute and a half, no one knows I'm here. DEAN: Good. Get me out of these. SLOANE: That isn't exactly what I had in mind. Back in Marshall's office, the team continues to try to trace the nodes. MARSHALL: Okay, I've narrowed the network down to twelve isolated nodes. I think I can trace their point of origin. RACHEL: Twelve...? MARSHALL: Yeah. RACHEL: If there was never a one, there was never The Twelve. In the Caymans, that was one of Dean's account protocols. Marshall's computer begins beeping. MARSHALL: Oh. SYDNEY: What just happened? MARSHALL: We're locked out. Let me try to bypass the encryption. A window pops up on Marshall's screen prompting for a password. MARSHALL: Oh, no. JACK: What is it? MARSHALL: "Grade Three Watchman Encryption." There's no way around this in six minutes. RACHEL: The program's requesting an access code. SYDNEY: Dean mentioned "Watchman." He said when I find the watchman, he would help me. This is what he meant. He has the access code. JACK: Go. Sydney leaves Marshall's office. In the other room, Dean pleads with Sloane. DEAN: Don't do this, Arvin. I have the access code! You can take down Prophet Five! Sloane grabs Dean behind his neck, forcing his head backwards, and puts a pill in Dean's mouth. SLOANE: God forgive me. Sloane holds Dean's jaw shut until Dean swallows the pill. DEAN: Help! Somebody, please! SLOANE: These walls are soundproof. There's no point in shouting. Sloane pops a blade out of a knife and waits. Sydney walks down the hall toward the room. She opens the door and finds Dean dead. He sits slumped over, still strapped to his chair. There is a bit of blood on his lip. Sydney looks defeated. Later, Sydney meets with Jack in his office. Jack pours a glass of water. JACK: According to medical services, Dean took his own life. Apparently with a cyanide pill he had subdermally implanted inside his cheek. Jack sits down with Sydney and hands her the glass of water. SYDNEY: I don't understand. This morning he wanted immunity. He wanted to live. JACK: Clearly, Dean thrived on power. Once the drug wore off, he must've realized he was facing a life sentence. Death was easier to accept. SYDNEY: Marshall counted twelve sources that make up Prophet Five. Twelve, Dad. It's like The Alliance all over again. JACK: I know. SYDNEY: If they are embedded inside global government, where do we even start? JACK: We've already started. SYDNEY: I guess I'll see you tomorrow. (smiles, but hesitates) Do you have any plans for tonight? JACK: What did you have in mind? (INT. A CAR - NIGHT) Joseph Ehrmann pours a glass of liquor. He turns to Peyton, who is sitting in the car with him. EHRMANN: You're sure you won't join me? We can drink to your success. Peyton takes a glass from him. EHRMANN: Or, perhaps, if you like, to soothe your guilt. PEYTON: Guilt isn't one of my driving emotions. EHRMANN: To your success, then. Peyton smiles. EHRMANN: As we agreed, Dean's operation is now yours. But with one warning - I appreciate ambition, but if you're considering any further betrayals, they will come at your own expense. PEYTON: I understand. The two clink glasses. Outside, a car pulls up in front of theirs. EHRMANN: I'll be right back. Ehrmann meets with Sloane in front of the car. EHRMANN: A job well done, Mr. Sloane. I'm so glad you took our offer. SLOANE: I didn't have much of a choice, did I? EHRMANN: There's always a choice. SLOANE: My daughter...when will she be cured? EHRMANN: Soon. SLOANE: Soon? Perhaps you could be a bit more specific. EHRMANN: I wish I could - but there are a few more things we need you to do first. SLOANE: We have a deal. EHRMANN: No. We have an arrangement, which you don't seem to understand very well. SLOANE: You son of a b****. EHRMANN: We'll be in touch. Till then, I want you to remember one thing - you have something now that you didn't have this morning. SLOANE: What's that? EHRMANN: Hope. Ehrmann walks back to his car. The car backs up and drives away. (INT. SYDNEY'S HOUSE - NIGHT) [Music - Elton John: "Your Song"] Jack has finished assembling the crib in Sydney's living room. JACK: Okay, that's the headboard. SYDNEY: (looking up from the assembly instructions) That's the footboard. JACK: Mm-hmm. That's what I said. SYDNEY: Have you ever actually built anything before? JACK: Yes, in fact. I built your crib. SYDNEY: Really? JACK: Well, your mother and I did it together. Jack drops the mattress into the crib frame with a flourish. JACK: Done. SYDNEY: Done? JACK: Mm-hmm. Why? Did you doubt me? SYDNEY: No, of course not. The two roll the finished crib back into the nursery, but they find that it won't fit through the door. Sydney looks at Jack expectedly. JACK: Get me the screwdriver. Sydney nods and smiles.

Sloane decides to betray Dean when he learns that Nadia's condition will probably not improve. They meet at a race track to exchange a network access card. The APO interrogates Dean in custody for information on Prophet 5. Yet another mysterious stranger asks Sloane to eliminate Dean. Nadia comes out of her coma for a short time after a nameless nurse leaves her room. Sloane kills Dean during a routine reboot of the APO's surveillance network. APO misses its chance to hack the network but learns it is linked to intelligence agencies around the world. Command of Dean's cell is assigned to Kelly Peyton, though her superiors warn her that any further betrayals will be accompanied by severe consequences.

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Act One. Scene A: KACL corridor. Frasier is showing Martin round his workplace. Frasier: Okay, dad. Now, you've seen the executive offices, the advertising offices and the lunchroom. And we now finally come to the sanctum sanctorum: my studio. [points to his picture on the wall] You might recognize that handsome rogue over there. Martin: Wow. Your head photographs even bigger than it is. Frasier: Very droll. Get in. [opens door and enters recording studio] This is what we in the radio game call "The Booth." It is here That I sit, day after day, and dispense the advice that helps the emotionally distraught through their troubled lives. Martin: [checking window] Do you suppose this stuff's bulletproof? Frasier: Dad, you know, you could have gone home after lunch. I just brought you here because I thought you'd enjoy it. [Martin goes to press a button] NOW DON'T TOUCH THAT! It's a very sophisticated piece of electronic equipment! Martin: What is it? Frasier: I have no idea, Roz told me never to touch it! You see dad, the usual procedure begins with... Martin: [into mike] Testing! Testing! Frasier: Dad. Martin: Testing. Frasier: Dad, dad, look, let's just go into Roz's booth, okay? You can touch anything you want to in there. They go into Roz's area just as she comes in. Roz: Hey, Frasier. Frasier: Oh, hello Roz. Roz: Hi, Mr. Crane. Martin: Hi. Roz: What brings you here? Frasier: Well, I'm just showing dad around, then he's gonna sit and listen to the show. Martin: Yeah, it's kinda like payback for when Frasier and Niles were kids. I used to take them to the police station and show them where I worked. Frasier: Yes, he made a big game of locking us in one of the cells and pretending to lose the key. Martin: I was just joking with them, I knew they weren't scared. Frasier: Well no, we weren't really scared, although after a while we did become quite hungry. Roz: Hey Frasier, could you lend me ten bucks? Frasier: Did you leave your wallet home, or something? Roz: No, I gave the last of my money to this poor guy down in front of the building. He's an Australian tourist, he lost his wallet and he just needed ten dollars... Martin: So he could take a cab to the Australian Consulate before it closes? Roz: Yeah. How'd you know? Martin: There is no Australian Consulate in Seattle. Roz: Ooh. That poor guy! Frasier: Roz, it's a scam. He scammed you. Roz: No, this guy was for real, honest. He even said... Martin: "If you give me your address, I'll send you the money back with interest." Roz: [realizing] God, I'm an idiot. Martin: No, don't feel bad. These guys are professionals. [presses the fast forward button on a reel-to-reel recorder] Roz: [coming to rescue] DON'T TOUCH THAT! Martin: What is this place, a radio station or a nuclear missile site? Now, listen Roz, don't feel bad. I was a cop for thirty years, and they could still fake me out once in a while. These guys are professionals, they know what to do. Frasier: Especially if you're an easy mark like Roz. Martin: Hey, the criminal mind is more complex than you think. They can fool you. Frasier: Oh, by all means dad, lecture me on the complexities of the human mind. Are you forgetting that I graduated with honors from Harvard in Psychosocial Behaviorism? Martin: I know, I was at your graduation. Impressive bunch. A car backfired and half of them wet their gowns. Frasier: It sounded louder on the dais! All I'm trying to say is, if it were me on the street, I wouldn't have been fooled. Martin: Oh, you think because of your book smarts, that you can spot a crook just like that, huh? Frasier: Well if I can't, I'm in the wrong business. Martin: You want to put your money where your mouth is? Frasier: What do you mean? Martin: Well, I've got three people coming over for poker tonight. Two of them are cops, the third one's done time in jail. I'll bet you five bucks you can't tell which one's the ex-con. Roz: Hey, can I get in on the action? Frasier: Of course you can. Roz: Great. Ten bucks on your dad. Frasier: Oh, you're just itching to give your money away today, aren't you? All right, you're both on. But I think you're underestimating me. What truffles are to pigs, so are these charlatans and pettifoggers to my mental acuity. He goes into his booth, as Roz mouths, "What?" at Martin. Martin: We didn't know better back then. His mother smoked during pregnancy. [SCENE_BREAK] PICK A CON, ANY CON Scene B: Frasier's residence. Frasier is lighting the fire while Martin sets up the poker table. Daphne enters. Daphne: So, who are these people coming over tonight? Frasier: Oh, just some of dad's old friends from the precinct. Daphne: Yeah well, if we're having company, someone should have been cleaned up. Because someone hasn't been smelling so fresh lately. Because someone is long overdue for a tub. Martin: Hey, I took a shower this morning. Daphne: You know I was talking about Eddie. He's long overdue for a... Martin: Hey, don't! Don't say that word. Daphne: What word? Martin: B-A-T-H. Eddie rushes off. Frasier: When he yawns it may smell like swamp gas, but his spelling's improving. The doorbell bing-bongs. Frasier goes to answer it. Daphne: I've made meatball sandwiches, pepperoni pizzas and uh, little sausage rolls. Will you be needing anything else? Frasier: The number of the nearest gastroenterologist. [opens door] Martin: Hey guys, come on in. Martin's three friends enter: a heavyset man in his fifties (Frank), a woman of the same age (Linda), and a younger man (Jimmy). They say hi. Martin: These are my poker pals. This is Linda, Frank and Jimmy. Frasier: [shaking hands] Linda, Frank, Jimmy. Martin: This is my son, Frasier. Throw your coats on the couch. [Frasier scrutinizes them] Kinda hard to tell, isn't it? They all look like they did time. Frasier: Well, my dad tells me he's filled you in on our little bet. Now the ground rules for tonight are that I'm not allowed to ask you any questions directly about your line of work, but whatever questions I do ask, you must answer truthfully. Frank: All I want to do is play cards. Jimmy: Great place you've got here, Martin. Martin: Ah, thanks. Frasier: Actually, it's mine. Jimmy: Boy, you must do pretty well on that radio show of yours. What is this place, about two thousand square feet? Frasier: About. Hmm... that's interesting, you noticed the space. Most people mention the view and the high ceilings, but you, you mentioned the space. It's almost as if you'd spent some time living in a cramped, confining, tight area. Frank: So you've been to Jimmy's apartment, huh? Daphne: [comes in from the kitchen with a tray of beers] Hello there. Martin: Oh hi, Daphne. This is Daphne Moon, these are my friends, Linda, Frank, Jimmy. Frank: Very pretty name. Do people call you Daffy for short? Daphne: Not twice. Well, it's nice to meet all of you. Here you go, I've got beers for everyone. Frank: Still drinking the Ballantines, I see. Linda: Yeah. When you kick off, that company's going down the tubes. Daphne: Oh, yeah. Many's the time I come home to see cans of them, lined up one after another on the coffee table, like little tin soldiers they are... Martin: Yeah, thanks a lot, Daphne. Don't you have a dog to wash? Daphne: Well, I suppose I do. Of course, I have to catch the little bugger first. Oh, [taking can of beer] maybe one of these would help. Jimmy: Hey, beer's not good for dogs. Daphne: No, but it's super for me. [exits] Jimmy: Marty, she's pretty nice. Linda: Yeah, and sexy too, you dirty old man! Martin: Oh... Frasier: Interesting... you find her attractive, do you? Linda: Sure, don't you? Frasier: Yes, but I mean, attraction to one's own s*x is a not uncommon result of long-enforced periods of time spent exclusively in their company. Martin: Wow, Frasier. I may have underestimated you. Frasier: Really? Martin: Yeah, you're making a bigger jackass of yourself than I thought. Jimmy: [starting game] High card deals. Frasier: You know, we could really use some music. Anybody play the harmonica? Frank: All right, my deal. Dollar in to start, five card draw, jacks or better to open and the three raise maximum. Martin: Sure you don't want to play, Fras? Frasier: Oh, no-no-no-no-no, I'll just take this time to observe the triumvirate. I believe in my considerable education, my years of study and not to mention, well... alright, let's say it, my God-given gift to intuit. Frank: This is the kid who used to get his head flushed in the toilet, right? Time Lapse. Frasier is still studying the poker players. Frank: Okay, I call. What do ya got? Linda: Full boat, aces up. Frank: Damn it! That's another one. I'm losing my shirt here. Daphne: Would somebody mind giving me a hand with the coffee? Jimmy: Yeah. I'll give you a hand. Daphne: Come along then. The poker group takes a break. Jimmy: I really like your accent. Where are you from? Daphne: Manchester. Jimmy: Manchester. That's where the Beatles are from, right? Daphne: Oh, no-no. You're thinking Liverpool. Jimmy: Then who's from Manchester? Daphne: No-one. That's why I live here now. She and Jimmy exit to the kitchen. Martin: [to Frasier] You've been awfully quiet there. Frasier: I'm sorry, dad. Just been observing. Martin: No no, don't apologize, it was a compliment. Frasier: Frank's an interesting study, isn't he? Temper, loner, a bit unsocial. Almost a stereotypical portrait of a man who's spent his entire life behind bars. Frank: [examining one of Frasier's objets d'art] This dish a Lalique or a Steuben? Martin: They had no spots open in the prison laundry, he worked in fine china and glassware. Time Lapse. The poker group are settling their debts. Frank: [to Linda] Here you go, big winner. Buy yourself something pretty and frilly. Linda: Sorry Frank, I can't hear you. I've got your money stuck in my ears. Martin: Well, I guess there's only one thing left. How about it, Fras? You figured it out yet? Frasier: Actually, I believe I have. Shall we step into the drawing room? Please have a seat. Martin: Okay, Sherlock. You've got center stage. Frasier: I have sketched an accurate psychological profile of each one of you. And in so doing I have come to the incontrovertible conclusion that the criminal among us can only be... FRANK! Martin: Wrong. Frank's a highly decorated undercover cop. Frasier: Exactly! Just a little too obvious, you know. The broken vocabulary, the jailhouse pallor, the underdeveloped social skills... Frank: Hey. Frasier: [to Martin] So, you tried to use psychology against me, did you? Threw a gender bender at me. Thinking I'd just assume that a felon would naturally be a man. Well, I'm on to your little game, mister. The criminal among us is indeed, the very wily Linda! Linda: Nope. Frasier: JIMMY! Martin: Hey. You're right. Frasier: Damn it... you seem like such a nice guy. Jimmy: I am a nice guy. Martin: He was voted most congenial in his cellblock. Jimmy: Sorry, doc. I'm afraid you owe your old man five bucks. Frasier: Yeah, I'm afraid I do. [searches in his pockets for his wallet] Jimmy: Oh. [giving Frasier his wallet back] You'll probably use this. Linda: Well, it's been a lot of laughs, but it's getting late. We better get going. Frank: Yeah, you're right. Thanks a lot, Marty. Martin: Oh, yes. Great. Frasier: It's been very pleasant. You'll all come again, any time you like. [to Jimmy] Hopefully when we're here, of course. Frank: Goodnight, Marty, Martin: See ya. Jimmy: Next week, Marty. Martin: Yeah, yeah. The poker gang leave. Frasier: Jimmy. Boy, who woulda thought? How do you even know that guy, dad? Martin: Ah, he was a jailhouse snitch, he helped us out a couple of times. Right, he's great company, but I wouldn't trust him for a second if he wasn't surrounded by cops. Daphne: [who's come in to clear table] Who's a jailhouse snitch? Martin: Jimmy. Daphne: Jimmy's an ex-con? Frasier: [handing over five dollars] Well, you certainly made your point. I feel stupid as hell. Daphne: I feel rather a fool meself. Martin: Why would you care, one way or another? Daphne: Because... I've agreed to go out with Jimmy tomorrow night. Martin: You did what?! Daphne: He asked me if I'd like to go out for drinks with him to a place called the Topaz Room, meet some of his friends. It sounded harmless enough. Martin: Well, it's out of the question! You're gonna have to call him and cancel! Daphne: But you said yourself he was fun to spend time with. Martin: I said DO time with. No, no. You just can't go. Case closed, that's all there is to it. Frasier: Dad, excuse me, if I can interrupt that self-righteous policeman mentality for a second, don't you believe in second chances? Martin: I did. Then we had Niles. Frasier: Well, I believe that when a man has paid his debt to society he deserves a fresh start. I see no harm in her going out with him once. Martin: Well, I do! She's not going. Frasier: I say she is. They argue for a few moments, until- Daphne: Excuse me? Gentlemen? But might I interject one tiny little thought into this conversation? Frasier: Of course, Daphne. Daphne: BELT UP! BOTH OF YOU! It may have escaped your notice, but I happen to be a grown woman, and nobody has told me whom I might or might not date since I was a schoolgirl. And I didn't listen then. Now, when I've quite made up my mind about what I plan to do about Jimmy, I'll let you know. But right now, I'm going to my room. You two hens have wasted enough of my time. She exits left. Frasier: That would have been a very dramatic exit, if only her room was down that hall. Daphne walks in and through to her bedroom. Martin: I still don't think she should be going out with that guy. Frasier: Oh, don't worry, she won't. Martin: How do you know? Frasier: Well, because she has too much respect for your opinion. She won't go against your wishes if I'm any judge of character. Martin: Oh, dear God. End of Act One. Act Two. Scene A: Cafe Nervosa. Frasier and Niles are ordering. Niles: [to waiter] I'll have a decaf latte, and please be sure to use skim milk. Frasier: I'll have the same. Waiter: Got it. [to barista] Two Gutless Wonders! Niles: Thank you. [to Frasier] Certainly playing fast and loose with his tips for a man who drives a van. Oh, oh-oh-oh, Frasier. How was your encounter with dad's poker buddies last night? Frasier: Ah... Niles: I must tell you - the picture of you trying to make conversation with dad's blue-collar cronies all evening is priceless. When I told Maris about it, it was all she could do to keep her eyes from dancing. Frasier: Actually, it was really rather interesting. You know, one of them actually did time in prison for fraud? Niles: Good lord! What was he like? Frasier: Actually, he was quite personable. You know dad, he's so judgmental. Niles: He is, and I've often condemned him for it. Frasier: For some reason, you know, just because the man was in prison he seems to have marked him for life. Niles: It's ridiculous. Not all criminals are recidivists. I've seen many cases where after they've paid their debt to society they've gone on to lead productive lives. Dad's just being narrow-minded. Frasier: Hmm. Yes, I almost had to sedate him when Daphne announced that she was going to go out with him. Niles gasps... twice. Niles: Frasier, I hope you're just yanking my giggle chain. Frasier: What do you mean? Niles: You're telling me that you're letting this English rose be sullied by some sociopath? Frasier: Niles, he passed bad checks. He's not a sociopath. Niles: He's a degenerate who should be put away forever! Frasier: You haven't even met him. Niles: Oh, for God's sake, they're all depraved animals! Waiter: [bringing over coffee] Here's your coffee. Anything else? Niles: Yes, the check please, and quickly. Frasier, we've got to rescue her! Frasier: Oh Niles, Niles, just sit down and relax, for God's sakes. You're being irrational. Niles: Don't you DARE call me irrational! You know that makes me crazy! Frasier: Now, Niles. Listen, I think Jimmy's a perfectly nice guy. And besides, Daphne can take care of herself. Niles: I don't care, I'm going after her. [gets up and puts on his coat] I'm not without resources. My Tae Kwon Do instructor tells me I'm just two moves away from becoming quite threatening! Frasier: Niles, just listen to me for a second. You know perfectly well that she'll resent any interference. Now, you want to make a fool of yourself, go right ahead, but don't ask me to join you. Niles: That's fine. Just tell me where they went. Frasier: Someplace called the, uh, the Topaz Room. Waiter: [who's brought the check] The Topaz Room? I thought the cops shut that place down after the last shooting. Frasier: I'll drive! They exit, forcefully. [SCENE_BREAK] ODDBALL IN THE CORNER POCKET Scene B: The Topaz Room, a gritty bar. Daphne is playing pool with the regulars. Her opponent (Leo) plays and misses the eight ball. Leo: Your shot, girlie. Daphne leans over the table to line up her shot. The other patrons try to get a good look at her bottom. Leo: But before you take that shot, why don't we make this a little more interesting? All you have to do to win is run those last five balls. So what do you say we double our bet? Daphne: Oh, well. I might as well. I never really have understood this game. [lines up] Never understood it, when I started playing with me older brothers, at the age of six. [clunk] And I never understood it during all my formative years, spent mostly in the pool halls of Manchester. [clunk] Playing in local competitions and club tournaments. [clunk] Winning cup after cup after cup. Until our poor dad had to convert the pantry into a trophy room. [clunk] And I can't really claim to understand it - eight ball in far corner - even today. [clunk] But I certainly do enjoy it. [collects her winnings to the applause of the customers] Thank you, gentlemen. And now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to attempt to use the ladies room without touching anything. She exits to the ladies room just as Frasier and Niles enter, stop and look around. Frasier: Look at this place. I never felt so conspicuous in my life. Niles: You must simply try to blend in. Fortunately, I haven't shaved in several hours. You should loosen your tie. Frasier: Yes, and you might try tucking in your watch fob. Niles: That happens to be a Phi-Beta-Kappa key. Frasier: Oh, then by all means, let it dangle. Perhaps they have a local chapter. Niles: Actually, this is quite stimulating in a lower-depths sort of way. And I've always been something of a squalor buff. Frasier: The only problem is, I don't see Daphne or Jimmy. Niles: [to bartender] Excuse me. Has a young woman been in here this evening, approximately five foot nine and three quarters, with skin the color of Devonshire cream and the sort of eyes that gaze directly into one's soul with neither artifice nor evasion? Silence from the bartender. Frasier: This would be an Englishwoman called Daphne. Bartender: Ah yeah, the one who came in with Jimmy. Frasier: Right. Bartender: She was over there shooting pool a minute ago. I think she stepped in the back. Frasier: What happened to Jimmy? Bartender: [chuckles] He tried to get fresh with her. She threw a hammerlock on him and ran him out of here. That babe can take care of herself. Frasier: [to Niles] I told you so. Bartender: And good riddance too. Guy was no good. I knew it the first time I saw him. You can always tell. Frasier: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Come on Niles, we've taken our walk on the wild side, let's get out of here. Niles: What about Daphne? Frasier: Well come on, you heard what she did to Jimmy. Think how mad she'll be if she should find us here. Niles: You're right. Best make ourselves scarce. [Daphne comes out] Good lord, there she is! In an attempt to stop Daphne from seeing them, Frasier walks into a guy (Rocco) at the pool table, just as he's taking his shot. Frasier: Oh, oh. God, I am so sorry. Rocco: Hey! What the hell are you doing? Frasier: I'm sorry, I was just trying to... Rocco: You made me miss that shot. Frasier: I'm sorry. Rocco: I had two hundred bucks riding on that shot. Frasier: Really sorry. Rocco: [to Niles, as his mate joins them] Where do you think you're going? Niles: Ah, I'll be back, I was just going to put another quarter in the meter. Rocco: The meters don't run at night, and neither do you. Niles: Oh, that was rather an amusing play on words, you're a regular George S. Kaufman, we must tell our friends about this. Rocco: You owe me two hundred dollars. Frasier: Oh well, I-I'd gladly pay you, but I-I don't have that kind of cash on me. Niles: Even if he did, it would be absurd to bring it into a place like this. You know, with the kind of element you might run into... Frasier: Niles! Maybe I could write you a check? Rocco: My element don't take checks. I think maybe we should take these guys outside, and wise them up. Frasier: Oh, I don't think that's really necessary at all. Daphne: Oh my goodness! What are you two doing here? Niles: We might ask you the same thing. This happens to be one of our favorite haunts. Actually, Maris and I had our rehearsal dinner here... the place was different then, it was more of a garden room and there was a trellis over there where the bar is... Frasier: Shut up, Niles. Daphne: You followed me, didn't you? Frasier: Oh Daphne, we were worried about you. Rocco: Excuse me, lady. But it seems like your friends can't seem to come up with the two hundred they owe me, so I'm gonna have to uh - pardon my French - beat the crap out of them. Frasier: Listen, listen. I'm a psychiatrist, maybe we can talk this out in sessions. You know, it seems that you have some control issues... Rocco: Outside! Daphne: WAIT! I have money. How would you like to go for double or nothing, sport? Rocco: On what? Daphne: Well, you look like a betting man. [walks over to pool table] I'll wager I can sink these five balls with a single shot. If I do, these boys are square. If I miss, you double your money. Rocco: Hey. I don't mind taking your money, but I was kinda looking forward to pulping this guy. Daphne: Yeah, well. We won't quibble. [picks up cue] If I miss, you can pulp him. I'm feeling generous tonight. I'll throw in the little one as well. Niles: [to Frasier] What did she mean by that, "Throw in the little one?" And what in God's name is "pulping"? Rocco: You're on. Okay. But just to make sure this is on the up and up, let's use six balls. Instead of sinking all five with one shot, [rolling another ball onto table] how about sinking all six? Do that and uh, I'll forget the two hundred bucks. Daphne: Fair enough. [takes careful aim, then...] Need a bit of chalk for me cue. [lines up again, then...] Does it matter in what order I make them? Frasier: Daphne! Rocco: Hey lady. If you make any of them, it'll be a miracle. Daphne: Right. Well... here goes nothing. She takes the shot. The scene goes into SLOW MOTION, and cliffhanger music plays... As Frasier and Niles watch, on tenterhooks, five of the balls go down. They hug each other ecstatically and watch the cue ball roll toward the sixth. It knocks the sixth toward the pocket... and it bounces out. Daphne: RUN FOR IT!!! [grabs the money] They race out of the bar and slam the doors behind them. As Rocco and his buddies chase them, Daphne wedges her cue in the door handles. Frasier and Niles laugh and make "Nyah nyah!" faces before fleeing into the night with Daphne. End of Act Two. [SCENE_BREAK] Frasier's Apartment. Eddie is following a trail of biscuits to where Daphne is lying in wait with a sponge and a towel. She lunges at him, but misses.

After Roz is scammed by a street con, Frasier claims to always be able to spot a criminal, so Martin challenges him to a test: several of his friends will come over to play cards, including one ex-convict. Frasier wins if he can spot the con.

fd_Once_Upon_A_Time_06x03

fd_Once_Upon_A_Time_06x03_0

[PREVIOUSLY_ON] Regina: I killed you. Evil Queen: Did you really think it would be that easy? Evil Queen: How do you like your gift? David: I should have known it came from you. Emma: The tremors, they come with visions. Emma: People are gonna tell you who you are your whole life. You just got to punch back, because there are no fairy godmothers in this world. Rumplestiltskin: Do we have a deal? Hyde: You have to ask yourself... Is helping them exactly what causes your story to end? [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Storybrooke. Present time. Hospital basement. [SCENE_BREAK] (Beeping) Regina: Give it to me. (Severe Nurse gives Regina a covered platter.) David: You're sure about this? Mary Margaret: You don't need Hyde's help. You have us. Fighting the Evil Queen is kind of what we do best. Regina: No offense, but this is not the Evil Queen you remember. I crushed her heart, and somehow she's still alive. How is that possible? Mary Margaret: I... I don't know. Regina: I'm betting Hyde does. David: And you think that's gonna make him talk? Regina: Compared to the cup of noodles Nurse Ratched serves, my lasagna... is fit for a king. (Mr. Hyde's cell is filled with fancy furniture and classical music plays from a record player.) David: What the hell is all that? (Soft classical music plays) (Sighs) Regina: The Evil Queen. Mr. Hyde: Yes, and from the looks of that, great minds really do think alike. Hmm. It's too bad she got here first with a better menu. Regina: What did she want? Mr. Hyde: The same thing as you... information. I told her a great deal about my friends, but now... I'm sated. So the price of information has gone up. (Mr. Hyde holds out his shackled hands.) Mr. Hyde: Oh, it's hard to try to stay one step ahead of yourself. (Sniffs) Mr. Hyde: Isn't it, Regina? [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Storybrooke. Present time. Granny's. [SCENE_BREAK] (Indistinct conversations) (Bell jingles) Henry: Just finished signing in the last of the newcomers. I had everyone write down who they were traveling with so we can add up who's still out there. Emma: Huh. Hook: Clever boy. Cinderella: Emma! Hi! Emma: Ashley, hi! Hey, Alexandra! How are you? You guys want to sit down and join us? Cinderella: Oh, no, thank you. Thomas is just getting us some food to go, and I don't want to take up your time. I know you're busy, but with all these new people, I just... I thought that I should help somehow, and since I'm running the daycare, I figured why not offer them free babysitting. Anyway, I was hoping to maybe get a look at that list just to see who brought kids. Hook: Well, if you can understand these scribbles, then be our guest. Cinderella: Great. Henry: Someone new. Mom, want to come help? Emma: That's what I do, kid. I'll be right back. Henry: Excuse me, miss. Cinderella: Hey, would you mind distracting Alexandra while I take a look at this? Hook: I have no idea w... Hook: What's your doggy's name? Hey. You have to tell me about your doggy. What? (Alexandra babbles) Hook: Whoop! Blblblblblblblb! Ruff, ruff, ruff! (Emma looks over to see Hook with whipped cream on the end of his nose, attempting to entertain the small child.) Hook: That's quite the little charmer you've got there. Cinderella: Yeah, thanks to Emma. If it weren't for her, I wouldn't have any of this. What about the two of you, anyway? Any chance of a fairy-tale ending? Hook: Uh, we're taking things slow. Quite slow, actually. I'm still sleeping on a cot on a pirate ship near a pregnant woman who likes to snore. Cinderella: I have a good feeling about you and Emma. Believe me... if I can get a happy ending, anyone can. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: The Enchanted Forest. Before the first curse. Manor. [SCENE_BREAK] Lady Tremaine: Ella. Are you done cleaning yet? Cinderella: Not yet. I'm trying. Lady Tremaine: You're failing. Cinderella: I don't see your daughters lifting a finger. Lady Tremaine: If your father had left me with money for a proper staff, I wouldn't ask you to do such things. But unfortunately for both of us, he only left me with you. Clorinda: Out of the way, Ella! We have a guest! Jacob: Good afternoon. I come with an invitation to the Royal Ball. Lady Tremaine: And who in the world are you? We were expecting the Prince's butler. Jacob: I'm the Prince's footman. But I can assure you the invitation is as good from my humble hands. Clorinda: "Humble" is one word for it. "Filthy" would be another. Lady Tremaine: Girls, I've scraped and fought your whole lives for this... an invitation to the Royal Ball... and a chance to dig your claws into a prince. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: The Enchanted Forest. Before the first curse. Manor attic. Lady Tremaine looks through a chest of dresses. [SCENE_BREAK] Lady Tremaine: No. Not this one. No, not that one. I suppose I'll have to sell the porcelain and buy you something new for the ball. (Gasps) Cinderella: Do you think... maybe I could go? Clorinda: (Scoffs) You? And what would you wear? Your best rags? (Laughs) Cinderella: I do have one dress. It was my mother's favorite gown. Lady Tremaine: Let me see that. Wretched. Clorinda. Cinderella: No! No! (Clorinda throws Ella's dress in the fire.) (Gasping) Cinderella: No! (Ella receives her soot covered dress from the furnace.) Second sister: Oh, don't cry, Ella. They're just cinders. Clorinda: Oh, cinders on Ella. Cinder-Ella. (Chuckles) Clorinda: It's perfect! Cinderella. (Laughter) Lady Tremaine: Come. We have a ball to attend. (Crying) (Gus squeaking) Cinderella: Hello, Gus. (Gus squeaking) (A key drops out of Ella's mother's dress.) Cinderella: That's funny. Mother used to tell me stories of a key exactly like this. She said that it was magic... that it could take you to another world... and you escape all your troubles. It's the Land of Untold Stories. (Gus squeaks) Cinderella: It's too bad there's no such thing as magic. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Storybrooke. Present time. Archie's office. [SCENE_BREAK] Emma: Archie! Oh. (Archie is in session with Grumpy.) Emma: Sorry. I can come back later. Anna: Oh, no need. Um, we were just wrapping up. Grumpy: Wrapping up? I paid for an hour. We haven't even gotten to the work stuff. I mean, I'm stuck toiling in the mines and Dopey goes off and gets his master's degree? Now I got to pick up his slack? He's flirting with coeds. Emma: I thought Dopey was a tree. Grumpy: No, we got him out weeks ago. Emma: Really? Grumpy: Yeah. You think we sit around waiting for you to do everything? Archie: (Sighs) Um, y-you want to sit down? Emma: No. Archie: Last time you were here, you were worried about Regina. Emma: I don't want to talk about Regina. Archie: But you want to talk about something. Okay, well, that's good. That's... that's progress. Go on. Emma: You know that I'm not a jealous person. Archie: But? Emma: But... seeing Ashley today with her perfectly happy family... Archie: Made you jealous. Because... because you're not happy? Emma: No, because I am happy and I know it's going away... that vision of my future. My number is up. And every time I think about it, then that thing happens, and my magic goes away. Archie: The mind has a profound effect on the body. Whenever I get nervous, I get hives. Emma: My magic doesn't have hives. My magic is failing! (Emma flops over the back of Archie's couch.) Archie: (Sighs) Okay. Um... let's just say it is, okay? Is that a reason to stop striving for what you want? Emma, any day, I-I could walk out that door and I could get hit by a bus, but that hasn't stopped me from walking out the door. Emma: This is not about a bus. It's very hard to keep this secret from my family. Like Hook and me, we should be living together. He wants to, I want to. Hook's waiting for me to ask him. Archie: So why don't you? Emma: Because he deserves a future and I can't give that to him. I feel like a fraud. This happiness is an illusion. I went and fought for everybody else's happy endings, and then... I don't get mine. Archie: Emma, maybe it's not about how you end things. Maybe it's about how you live them. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Storybrooke. Present time. Main street. [SCENE_BREAK] Prince Thomas: Emma! Emma: Thomas, you all right? Prince Thomas: It's Ashley. I went to drop Alex home, and she wasn't there, but I found this. Emma: "Clorinda was on the newcomer list. "She's in Storybrooke, and I have to find her before it's too late"? Prince Thomas: Clorinda was, uh, well, uh, I guess you'd call her the evil stepsister. Emma: Do you think she's gonna hurt Ashley? Prince Thomas: More like the other way around. My hunting rifle is missing. Emma: Wait. You think that Cinderella's gonna kill her stepsister? Prince Thomas: Some scars don't heal, you know? Where are you going? Emma: To find her. Prince Thomas: How? Emma: The way you find Cinderella. (Emma magics a shoe into her hand.) Emma: With her shoe. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Storybrooke. Present time. Dirigible crash site. [SCENE_BREAK] (Liquid bubbling) Regina: So, your little science experiment can really tell us why the Evil Queen is still alive and how to destroy her? Dr. Jekyll: It's a possibility if I can re-create the serum that split you. (Dr. Jekyll's potion fizzes but he looks disappointed.) Dr. Jekyll: Sorry. I need my lab, my equipment. It's a world away. David: Well, in this world, we don't give up so easily. Come on, there's got to be something else inside we can use. (David and Dr. Jekyll run into the dirigible.) Regina: He's as useless as his other half. Mary Margaret: Regina, he's trying to help. Regina: I know. I'm just... I'm sick of being one step behind her. Mary Margaret: So get a step ahead. She thinks like you. Try thinking like her. Regina: Fine. I used to be good at this. (Breathes deeply) Regina: When you want to tear families apart, you... you look for the cracks that are already there. Like Zelena and me. I have to talk to my sister. (Regina walks off, and David comes back with a box of equipment.) David: Hey. We will find a way to defeat the Evil Queen. We always do. Mary Margaret: Is this our life now... just defeat and repeat? I just want things to be normal someday. David: What does normal even look like? Mary Margaret: Well... (Chuckles) it might sound crazy, but for 28 years, things were normal. David: When we were cursed? Mary Margaret: There was a downside. (Chuckles) Mary Margaret: I liked teaching. David: That was Mary Margaret. Mary Margaret: And why can't a princess be a teacher? What's more noble than that? I'd like to teach again. Is that crazy? David: That... is the most normal thing I've heard in a long time. (David kisses Mary Margaret reassuringly.) David: What? Mary Margaret: I think I have a way to help Jekyll. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Storybrooke. Present time. Main street. Hook and Henry are sword fighting with sticks. [SCENE_BREAK] Hook: Oh. (Chuckles) Swan, see that parry? Think he's finally getting the hang of it. Emma: Uh, yeah. What are you doing here, Henry? Henry: Hook told me you two were going to find Ashley. I thought I could help. Emma: Was this your idea? Some sort of a weird "pirate teaches him how to be a man" thing? Hook: No, this was all his idea. He said it was a... well, what did you call it? Mother-son bonding. Hook: Ah, yes. Emma: All right. Operation Cobra Part Two. Every shoe belongs to a foot. And this one will take us right to her. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: The Enchanted Forest. Before the first curse. Ballroom. [SCENE_BREAK] (Indistinct conversations) Cinderella: Look at this, Gus. Isn't it amazing? Whatever I owe Rumplestiltskin for, it is worth it. Gus: I hope so. I've heard other mice tell terrible tales about him. Cinderella: Well... whatever else he might be, for tonight, he's my fairy godmother. Father. (Laughing) Whatever. Thanks to him, I have this dress, glass slippers... and all... this. Cinderella: It's free cheese. Go. (Laughing) Have fun. (Gasps) Snow White: Oh! Cinderella: I am so sorry! Did I tear your dress? If I did, I'll sew it up myself! Snow White: It's okay. Really, it's okay. I'm Snow White. Cinderella: Ella. Snow White: Nice to meet you, Ella. Cinderella: I feel terrible about your dress. Snow White: Don't. I stopped worrying about dresses a long time ago. I'm not your typical princess. But I get the feeling neither are you. Cinderella: Oh, no, I'm not. I'm not a princess at all. I'm just an ordinary girl playing dress-up for a night. Snow White: Well, I don't think you're ordinary. And apparently, neither does he. Cinderella: Is that...? The Prince. Snow White: Don't worry. They're not all as stuffy as you think. Cinderella: You think he could be charming? Snow White: Oh, that name's taken. (Whispering) Go. Prince Thomas: It appears Princess Snow wants us to converse. Cinderella: Yeah, she thought you were... Prince Thomas: Staring? Was it that obvious? (Both chuckle) Prince Thomas: Then I apologize. But I could tell there was something different about you, and that was before I saw those glass shoes of yours. Wherever did you get them? Cinderella: You wouldn't believe me if I told. Prince Thomas: A girl with mystery. I like that. (Chuckles) Prince Thomas: But can you dance in them? Cinderella: I can try. Prince Thomas: Would it be too bold if I asked your name? Cinderella: I thought you liked a mystery. Prince Thomas: Then a mystery it shall be. The girl with the glass slippers. You're not from this world, are you? Cinderella: Is that bad? Prince Thomas: It's wonderful. (Giggles) Prince Thomas: If you'll excuse me, I have a quick piece of business, but I'll return. Don't go anywhere. (Speaking indistinctly) (Laughs) (Ella watches as Prince Thomas hands Clorinda a rose from a platter presented by a servant.) Clorinda: Oh. Thank you. I'm so excited. Lady Tremaine: Do you know who they're laughing at? They're laughing at you. Do you really think he would choose you over her? Cinderella: But he... but he danced with me. Lady Tremaine: He was making fun of you, dear. You're so obviously a serving girl. Look at that garish blue dress. He made you into a joke. And everyone here knew it. Except you. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Storybrooke. Present time. Gold's shop. [SCENE_BREAK] (Bell jingles) Mr. Gold: Hello, Sheriff. Thought you would be on patrol right now. David: Where'd you get this? (David puts the coin the Evil Queen handed to him on the counter.) David: This was my father's coin. I need to know if his death was really an accident. So, what do you say we skip right to the part where you offer me a deal? Mr. Gold: Well, I do like candor. Almost as much as I like deals. So... yes, the coin was mine for a time. And lucky for you... I'm a stickler for records. Here we are. David: Name your price. Mr. Gold: Now you're talking. But I must warn you, the more desperate the man, the higher the price, and you seem... quite desperate. So I'll have to ask you. How badly do you want a deal? [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: The Enchanted Forest. Before the first curse. Manor attic. [SCENE_BREAK] (Gus squeaks) Cinderella: Gus, what are you doing? Right! Mother's key. She said it was magic. Maybe... (Ella opens the wardrobe with the key and a portal opens. Clorinda walks in.) (Whooshing) Clorinda: What are you doing? Cinderella: I'm leaving. Clorinda: No! You can't leave. Cinderella: What do you care?! When you marry the Prince, you won't need me anymore. Clorinda: No, no, no, you have got this all wrong. The Prince loves you. Cinderella: What? Clorinda: You're the girl in the glass slipper. He's out there right now searching the entire kingdom for you. Cinderella: You're making fun of me again. I saw him give you that rose. Clorinda: It's because I'm getting married, but not to the Prince. To his footman, Jacob. The Prince was only passing along a message. Cinderella: The footman? But... you were so cruel to him. Clorinda: Mother would never let me marry a footman. And so I... put on an act. Like I've done most of my life. I am so sorry, Ella. For everything. But we have both been her prisoner. And tonight, I can finally escape. Cinderella: Where are you going? Clorinda: I'm going to meet Jacob at the guard tower at the Prince's castle, and we are gonna ride far away and start a little farm together. Cinderella: (Chuckles) Clorinda: And I am never coming back. Cinderella: You know your mother will hunt you down wherever you go. I have an idea. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Storybrooke. Present time. Docks. [SCENE_BREAK] (The shoe appears by magic and Cinderella points her rifle at it, then at the heros racing in.) Emma: Ashley! What are you doing?! Cinderella: Go away! Emma: We're your friends. Why are you threatening us? Cinderella: Look, I don't want to hurt you. There's just something I have to do just as soon as I figure out where my sister's hidden herself. Emma: We cannot let you hurt her. Cinderella: Hurt her? No, you've got it all wrong. I'm not trying to hurt Clorinda. I'm trying to help her. Henry: Why? She's your wicked stepsister. Cinderella: You don't know the real story. In the end, Clorinda wasn't the wicked sister. I was. Emma: So you did something bad. We've done a lot of bad things. A long time ago, I told you if people saw you a certain way, you had to punch back and show them who you are. If you see yourself a certain way, punch back and see yourself differently. You can change. You can fix this. Whatever it is, I will help you. Cinderella: No, but that's the thing. You just said it. I have to throw the punch. That's why I came out here alone. You can't do it for me this time. Do you know how it feels when you know all your happiness is a lie? Emma: Yeah. I do. (Emma's hand starts twitching.) Hook: Swan? Swan, stop her! Use your magic! Emma: I can't. Hook: Hey. Emma: I'm sorry. I can't. Hook: Hey. It's okay. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Storybrooke. Present time. Zelena's house. [SCENE_BREAK] Regina: I just need to know if the Evil Queen was here. Zelena: Shh! You're gonna wake Robin. Regina: That rattle. (Robin coos) Regina: She was here! Zelena: (Sighs) Okay, fine. She was here. Regina: Well, you have to give that back. Zelena: Our mother's rattle? The only family heirloom I have? Regina: There are strings attached. Zelena: I'm a big girl. Stop judging me. Regina: I'm not trying to judge you. I am trying to save you. Zelena: Save me? You're the one that needed saving so badly, you ripped yourself in half. So if you're gonna blame anyone here, blame yourself. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Storybrooke. Present time. Docks. [SCENE_BREAK] Hook: It's still happening. I thought the Cricket was helping you. Emma: I thought so, too. Evil Queen: Having a little trouble with your magic? Henry: Stay away from my mom. Evil Queen: Henry. Now, is that any way to speak to your real mother? Henry: You're not my mother. Evil Queen: Well, sure I am. I raised you. I helped you with your homework. I packed your lunches. Regina and I may have split, but I am as much your mother as she is. Now stop slouching. Posture is self-respect, and if you don't have it, no one else will give it to you. Emma: Henry, hey. Don't listen to her. Evil Queen: Says the woman who was never around. Emma: You're right. I was never around, and I owned that. You're just the worst part of Regina. Evil Queen: Am I? Or am I the part that is honest about myself? You see, Regina never had her happy ending because she's never been strong enough to let her story run its course. I won't make that mistake, mnh-mnh, for myself... or our new arrivals. Emma: What about those people? What do you want with them? Evil Queen: Patience. You just wait until those untold stories play out. But here's a little spoiler. Cinderella's story won't end well. Emma: Why would you want to hurt Ashley? Evil Queen: I don't. I want to hurt you. I want you to see how pointless you are. Emma: I saved her once. I'll save her again. Evil Queen: Oh, that's the tragic thing about being a savior. You have to keep saving people. But once you're off the chessboard... everything falls apart. All those happy endings turn to dust, and your entire life means... nothing. Let me show you what it feels like. (Laughs) [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Storybrooke. Present time. Country road. [SCENE_BREAK] Hook: Where the hell are we? Emma: She took us off the chessboard. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Storybrooke. Present time. Jolly Roger's cabin. [SCENE_BREAK] (Knock on door) David: (Chuckles) Belle: David, hi. Come in. Do you, uh... want to sit down? David: Oh, no, no, no, no, thanks. I'll... I'll stand. Belle: What, uh... what brings you here? David: Nothing much. I have something for you. From your husband. (David holds up a cassette tape.) David: I have no idea what it says. I'm just the messenger. Belle: You? A messenger? What did you need from him? David: He has information about my father. About his death. Belle: And you had to make a deal to get it? Sounds like my husband. (Belle takes the tape.) Belle: There. You can, uh... you can say I took it. And I'm sorry. I'm sure it must not have been easy growing up without your father. David: It was. Of course, it wasn't easy when he was there, either. Drunk and sad. (Chuckles) Belle: Mm. I guess it's hard to say which is worse for some fathers. David: Gone. It was worse having him gone. Belle: Fathers and sons. It's hard for you, I think. 'Cause no matter what the damage to the relationship, you need each other. David: Hmm. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Storybrooke. Present time. Country road. [SCENE_BREAK] Emma: Ashley was my first save. You take that away, then what? Everything I've done can be undone? Hook: By the Evil Queen? No, no, no. My Emma's too strong for that. Look, we can worry about the big picture later. Right now the little picture's saying that we have to go, magic or no magic. Emma: Go where? Back to where Ashley left us? She's not there. She's charging into who knows what, and if the Evil Queen wants it to play out, it's not good. Henry: Then we figure out where she's headed next. You didn't used to have magic and you found people. Hook: He's right. Just imagine that you're back in your old life as a bails bonds-person... woman. How did you find people then? Emma: Try to think like the skip thinks and get inside their head. Why are they running? What is their story? Who do they love? Henry: Their story. Ashley said she was trying to help her stepsister, uh, Camilla? Emma: Calinda? Hook: Ca... uh. Emma: Calinda. Hook: Callista. Emma: I thought it was Calinda. Henry: It's Clorinda. Ashley blames herself for her not getting her happy ending. If the book says what her ending was supposed to be, then that's a clue we need. Yes! It's in here. Look. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: The Enchanted Forest. Before the first curse. Manor attic. [SCENE_BREAK] Lady Tremaine: Clorinda, where are you? Cinderella: What's going on? Lady Tremaine: Clorinda. She's run off with the footman! (Slams cane) Cinderella: I-I don't know where she's gone, but... but maybe it won't matter. The Prince is looking for me. He liked me. You know, maybe if I married well, Clorinda could do whatever she wanted. Lady Tremaine: The Prince isn't gonna marry you. He isn't even gonna recognize you. Cinderella: Of course he'll recognize me. Lady Tremaine: Officially? Will the people officially recognize you? You look like a trash bin and have the education of my cat. Of course, if you had proof... it would be hard to deny you. (Lady Tremaine uses her cane end to scoop up the glass slipper.) Lady Tremaine: Look what we have here. Cinderella: Okay. Okay. You want to know where Clorinda is. I get it! But the shoe isn't that important. Lady Tremaine: Oh, yes, it is. It's your proof. It's crucial. Now, where's my daughter? Cinderella: The guard tower! (Lady Tremaine chuckles as she drops the glass shoe, which shatters.) Cinderella: No! (Gasps) Lady Tremaine: Careful in here. Glass can cut. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Storybrooke. Present time. Peter Peter's pumpkin patch. [SCENE_BREAK] Clorinda: It's been a long time. Cinderella: Clorinda. I've been searching everywhere, and then I realized you might figure to come here. You're hurt. I am so sorry. This is all my fault, but I'm going to fix our story. I just hope that someday you can forgive me. (Ella unties Clorinda's bandage, but her leg isn't wounded.) Clorinda: I can't. And neither can she. (Lady Tremaine cocks her gun) Lady Tremaine: It's too late for that, Cinderella. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: The Enchanted Forest. Before the first curse. Manor attic. [SCENE_BREAK] Cinderella: Let me out! (Horse whinnies) (Prince Thomas and Snow White approach the house in a carriage.) (Horse whinnies) (Bell rings) Prince Thomas: No one's here. Snow White: I may be a princess, but I know how to track. This is where she came. Cinderella: Hey! I'm up here! (Gus squeaking) Cinderella: I'm here! Prince Thomas: Then she must be gone. Let's keep looking. (Gus squeaking) (Snow looks down to see a mouse climbing into the carriage.) (Gus squeaking) [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: The Enchanted Forest. Present time. Manor attic. [SCENE_BREAK] Snow White: Told ya! Prince Thomas: It is you. Why did you run away? Cinderella: I'm so sorry about that, and just... and everything. I never should've even come to the ball. I didn't... I didn't mean to mislead you. And... and she broke it, so there's... there's no proof, and... and I totally understand if your people want you to go with someone else... Prince Thomas: Why would they want someone else? Cinderella: Because I'm no one. Prince Thomas: Nonsense. I know you have a name. Cinderella: Ella. Prince Thomas: Well, if you'll allow me, I'd like to change that. To Princess Ella. (Prince Thomas gets down on one knee.) (Chuckles) Prince Thomas: Will you? Cinderella: Y-Yeah. (Chuckling) Yes, of course! (Both chuckle) (Chuckles) Prince Thomas: Thank you, Princess Snow. Now, let's go to the palace. I'll wake the royal glass blower. You need new shoes. Cinderella: That sounds lovely. But there's something I need to fix first. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: The Enchanted Forest. Before the first curse. Guard tower. [SCENE_BREAK] Jacob: A key? Clorinda: It's magic. It makes any door lead to the Land of Untold Stories. It would pause our lives, but we could be together. Jacob: To the Land of Untold Stories. Clorinda: Mm-hmm. (Lady Tremaine knocks Jacob out with her cane.) Clorinda: (Gasps) No! No! No! Lady Tremaine: "No"? Clorinda: You'll kill him! Lady Tremaine: But, darling, that's the idea. Cinderella: Stop! Get away from her! Clorinda: Cinderella. You told her where we'd be? You filthy little rat. Cinderella: I'm sorry, but look. Thomas found me. We're engaged. Clorinda: And you came here to what? To rub it in our faces? Cinderella: No. Lady Tremaine: This is so unfair. I've pulled myself through life for 50 years now, and every year I keep pulling, and when it's finally my turn to rest, this girl who I've carried like a... like a scab on my soul, she gets it all and I get nothing? No. Clorinda: Mother, what are you doing? Lady Tremaine: I'm pausing. Perhaps when the world makes sense again, I'll come back and get what's owed to me. And you, my dear, you are coming with me. The footman can find someone at his own level. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Storybrooke. Present time. Peter Peter's pumpkin patch. [SCENE_BREAK] Cinderella: Clorinda, listen to me. Clorinda: Quiet. Cinderella: I was trying to help you and Jacob find your happiness back in the Enchanted Forest, and maybe you could get that here. Clorinda: Jacob? He's here? Cinderella: He's been in Storybrooke the whole time. Isn't... that why you came here to his farm? Lady Tremaine: True enough. And here's the man himself. Clorinda: Jacob! Lady Tremaine: This little patch of filth is his. See, I discovered my own fairy godmother here... the Evil Queen. She's helping me find the missing pieces of my betrayal. Time to finish an old job. (Lady Tremaine points her gun at Jacob.) Clorinda: Leave him alone! Ella, you said you would fix this! Cinderella: Stop, please. Lady Tremaine: No. I wanted to be the one taken care of for once. Cinderella: You're in pain. Okay? But you don't get to put that off on Clorinda or Jacob! She's paid enough! (Ella steps in front of the gun.) Jacob: No! Lady Tremaine: You really think I won't shoot you? I suppose you're right. This is a coward's weapon, anyway. Not nearly personal enough. (Lady Tremaine drops the gun and stabs Ella with her cane.) Lady Tremaine: (Grunts) Cinderella: Oh! Emma: Ashley! Oh! Thank God we found you. (Lady Tremaine goes for her gun, but Hook restrains her.) Hook: No. Emma: This needs magic. Henry: Mom. You can do it. (Emma's hand shakes, but she eventually is able to use magic to heal Ella.) Cinderella: (Gasping) Cinderella: I am so sorry for what I did. Clorinda: It's all right. Hook: You did it, Swan. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Storybrooke. Present time. A car with the license plate "THE DOCTOR". [SCENE_BREAK] Mary Margaret: Here we are. (Mary Margaret opens the garage door, revealing a chemistry lab.) Mary Margaret: Told you I could help you, Doctor. Dr. Jekyll: Oh, my, yes. This is exactly what I need. Regina: Just whose garage are we in, anyhow? Dr. Whale: That would be mine. Please, help yourself to any of the equipment, but, um, steer clear of the refrigerator. It's not food in there. Regina: (Clears throat) Whale. Dr. Whale: Whale? Whale is my curse name, Dr. Jekyll. I did most of my best work as Frankenstein. Dr. Jekyll: Oh, yes. It's an honor, Doctor. An honor. Uh, we must begin at once. Mary Margaret: Dr. Jekyll and Dr. Frankenstein. You know what that sounds like? Regina: The world's scariest-sounding pediatrician's office. Mary Margaret: (Chuckles) That and a really first-rate high-school science faculty. I mean, after we're done, we could have all this equipment moved to the classrooms, could put these guys to work teaching. It's all part of getting this town back to normal. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Storybrooke. Present time. Peter Peter's pumpkin patch. Lady Tremaine, in an orange jumpsuit, picks up trash with her cane. [SCENE_BREAK] Grumpy: Put some back into it, sister. Hook: She really was brave... Ashley. Emma: Putting love before life. Hook: Exactly. Emma: Move in with me. Hook: What? Emma: Move in with me. I know everything in life is uncertain, but sometimes you have to walk out the door and hope there's not a bus. Hook: (Chuckles) Emma: I mean... I have a closet full of red jackets. I feel like I could make some space for some black leather. Hook: Well, when you put it like that, then I would love to move in with you. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Storybrooke. Present time. Mary Margaret's apartment. [SCENE_BREAK] Mary Margaret: You're still up? What's going on? David: Yeah. I have this... Gold gave me this. It's about the coin. A shepherd... found it in the wreckage of a cart. Mary Margaret: (Sighs) Your father. What a terrible reminder. I'm sorry. David: There's more to it. This man, my father, he'd been stabbed. He wasn't killed in the accident. He wasn't drunk. Mary Margaret: That's good news. He didn't betray you. He kept his word. David: That means his killer could still be out there. Mary Margaret: Don't do this. Don't think about who did it. Just let it go. Let us live our lives. I'll teach, you'll be sheriff. David: Isn't this what a sheriff does? Mary Margaret: No, no, no. What you're contemplating is vengeance, not justice, and we don't need vengeance. We have this town and our daughter and our son who really needs you. It may not be epic, but it is the most important thing you will ever do, and it won't happen if you're off seeking revenge for some decades-old crime. David: Being there for Neal... how could that not be epic? Of course it's where I want to be. Mary Margaret: Good. Come to bed. David: You know what? I'm just gonna burn this. That way I don't even have to think about it. (David goes to burn it in the candle, but ends up blowing out the candle while Mary Margaret isn't looking.) [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Storybrooke. Present time. Jolly Roger's cabin. [SCENE_BREAK] (Belle plays the cassette tape.) Mr. Gold: This is for our little child. A little verse I like. Sleep well, my bairnie, sleep. The lang, lang shadows creep. The fairies play in the munelicht brae, an' the stars are on the deep. The bogie man's awa', the dancers rise an fa', an' the howlet's cry frae the bour-tree high comes through the mossy shaw. Sleep well, my bairnie, sleep. The lang, lang shadows creep. The fairies play on the munelicht brae, an' the stars are on the deep. (Mr. Gold walks the dock alongside the Jolly Roger.) [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE: Storybrooke. Present time. Hospital basement. [SCENE_BREAK] (Classic music plays) (Music stops) Regina: It's not fair. Even now the Savior wins. Mr. Hyde: Yes, but for how long? Regina: Don't tell me to be patient. Right now, your pathetic half is working on a way to destroy me. Mr. Hyde: My sympathies. Regina: I'm not asking for your sympathy. Mr. Hyde: No, you're asking for my help. (Chains rattling) Mr. Hyde: And that's a tall order to fill... from inside this cell, milady. Regina: Well, in that case. Let's take a walk. [SCENE_BREAK] [ THE END ]

In the past in the Enchanted Forest, Cinderella meets Prince Thomas at the ball, but flees when she believes he loves her stepsister Clorinda; Clorinda actually plans to elope with Thomas' footman, Jacob, but her mother, Lady Tremaine, abducts her to the Land of Untold Stories after forcing Cinderella to betray Clorinda's location. In Storybrooke, Ashley hopes to reconcile with Clorinda. Aided by the Evil Queen, Tremaine lures Ashley into a trap for her and Jacob. Ashley protects Jacob; Clorinda reunites with him and forgives Cinderella, while Tremaine is arrested. Emma struggles to control her magic. Whale helps Jekyll recreate his serum, while the Evil Queen and Hyde form an alliance and she releases him. Snow White wants normality, but David secretly investigates his father's death; Gold provides information in exchange for David delivering a message to Belle.

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ACT ONE Scene One - Caf Nervosa - Morning Frasier is seated at a table. Martin comes in, extremely full of himself. Martin: Large coffee to go, please. [with heavy innuendo] Black. [sits with Frasier] Whew, didn't get much sleep last night at Ronee's. Don't ask why, 'cause there are certain things a gentlemen doesn't tell. Frasier: [hoping he'll shut up] Ah. Martin crosses his arms with a smug, expectant grin on his face. Frasier refuses to take the hint. Martin lets out a naughty chuckle. Frasier: Dad, please? Martin: Well, all right, I'll tell you just a little. She's got this massage oil- Frasier: Would you stop it! I do not want to hear about your dirty weekend - especially since the most erotic experience I've had in six months was last week's trouser fitting. Niles enters with a GAP shopping bag. He seems taken aback to see Frasier and Martin there. Frasier: Oh, Niles. Martin: Hi, Niles. Niles: Hi. Frasier: The GAP, Niles? I didn't know you shopped there. Niles: I just discovered it. Apparently there are a number of them. He sits down. Frasier: [suspicious] And what did you get there? Niles: Oh, uh, well, let's see... some wine glasses, and a bud vase- Frasier: That's Pottery Barn, you jackass! Give me that! Frasier snatches the shopping bag and pulls out a white cashmere sweater. Frasier: Just as I thought. You bought the Diego sweater. Martin: Well, what's the big deal? It's just a sweater. Frasier: It is not "just a sweater," it is a work of art by Spain's fabled master weaver Diego - who uses only the soft chin hairs of Andalusian mountain goats. Our sweater man could only get one this year. Niles and I made a pact that neither of us would buy it. [to Niles] You can't even keep a simple sweater pact! Martin: Ah, Ronee - now there's a gal who can keep a sweater "packed!" Frasier: Stop that! [to Niles] The least you can do is let me borrow it sometime. Niles: Absolutely not! You know Diego's weave conforms precisely to the contours of one's body. Five minutes on you, I'd never be able to wear it again. Daphne enters. [N.B. Jane Leeves is still wearing her maternity prop.] Daphne: Hello! The three Crane men ad-lib hellos, and Daphne turns to the counter. Niles: [lowers voice] Not a word about this. We're saving money for the baby's college fund. She'd kill me if she found out I spent half a semester on a sweater. Martin gets up as the waiter brings his coffee and Daphne comes back. Martin: You want this? I'm leaving. Daphne: Where have you been? You missed your massage this weekend. Martin: [smug grin] That's what she thinks. Frasier: Just go! Martin leaves, and Frasier and Niles invite Daphne to sit. Niles: [to the waiter] Can I get a coffee? [to Daphne] No biscotti? Daphne: No. I baked me own. I decided a dollar-fifty was way too much to spend on a cookie. Anyone? She takes a plastic bag of cookies out of her purse. Her words have given Frasier a wicked idea. Niles: [nervous] Oh, thank you, my angel of thrift. Roz enters, looking exhausted and depressed. They ad-lib hellos. Niles: Good morning! Roz: Yeah, maybe yours was. I just spent the last two hours waiting in line for this kiddie performer that Alice loves - Nanny Gee [Niles and Frasier's ears prick up] - and the second I got to the window the show sold out. Niles: Nanny Gee? Frasier might be able to pull a few strings for you there. [Frasier chuckles] Roz: Do you know Nanny Gee? What, did you like date her? Frasier: Actually, I married her. Roz: You married Nanny Gee? Frasier: Yeah well, briefly. It was years ago. I was a callow, dreamy-eyed youth, and she was... Roz: Yeah, yeah, yeah, I need tickets! She's at Kid Books right now, signing her new CD. If you come with me... Frasier: Well, all right, all right, I'll see what I can do. Roz drags Frasier to the door. A waiter brings Niles's coffee. Niles: Thank you. Daphne: Oh, and could you turn the heat up in here? It's freezing. Frasier: [as he's leaving] Oh, Niles has a sweater. To Niles's horror, Daphne reaches for the shopping bag and pulls out the Diego. Daphne: Oh, and it's from the Gap - good boy! Now help me stretch the neck out, I don't want to muss me hair. Niles stares aghast as she gives the collar a hard tug and stretches it wide open. [SCENE_BREAK] WHERE THE WILD THINGS ARE Scene Two - Kid Books A long line of parents are standing with their children. Nanny Gee, a woman in her early 40's wearing a brightly-colored costume and beret, is signing books and CDs at a table. Girl: [getting her CD] Thank you, Nanny Gee! She walks back, passing Frasier, Roz, and Alice. Roz: So what was it like being married to Nanny Gee? Frasier: Oh, gosh... we were so young and immature. We had huge fights over nothing. But in the bedroom... Roz: Frasier! Frasier: Sorry. But despite the setting, Roz still wants to know. Roz: [glances around] So, uh, Nanny Gee gave you nice "hugs"? Frasier: Oh, big hugs. Roz: [chuckling] No kidding. Frasier: We used to hug our brains out. In fact, you know, the last time we saw each other she wanted to have a little reunion hug, but alas, I was still married to Lilith and settling for my weekly handshake. [N.B. The "Cheers" episode on which Nanny Gee appeared was entitled "One Hugs, The Other Doesn't." Also, a slight discontinuity here: in [9.02] "Don Juan In Hell[2], Nanette confessed that she made a lot of distracting noises.] Roz: So, are you hoping for another hug? Frasier: Mmm? Well, the thought had crossed my mind. You know, we used to have this wild attraction to each other - it was almost combustible! Truth be told, it's been a while since, I, uh... [covers Alice's ears] romped with abandon through the perfumed gardens of Eros. Roz: Next time you say something like that, cover my ears. They reach Nanny. Nanette: [eyes on Alice] And who's this for? Frasier: Frasier. F-R-A- Nanette: [looks up] Frasier! Oh, it's so good to see you again! Frasier: [shakes her hand] Nanette, hi. Nanette: [to Roz] And you, you look great! I've never such color in your cheeks... Frasier: Oh, this isn't Lilith. This is my co-worker, Roz, and her daughter, Alice. Nanette: [to Alice] Hey, Alice. How old are you? Frasier: I'm divorced now. Alice: Five. Nanette: Wow, five! Frasier: Single again. Nanette: You know what happens when you turn six? You grow an extra finger! [Alice laughs] Frasier: Footloose, fancy-free...! Roz: She's not biting. Just get the tickets. Frasier: All right. You know, Nanette, Alice was so hoping to see your show. But alas, all the tickets are sold. Nanette: Well, I think I can scare up three seats - if you don't mind sitting in the front row. Alice jumps for joy, making Roz do the same. Roz: Oh, thank you, Nanny Gee! Nanette's assistant, Donald, comes over. Donald: Can I have everyone's attention? Nanny Gee has to go to the theater now. So... no more autographs. Kids: Ohh... Nanette: Gosh, I'm sorry. But maybe we may have time for one more thing. Would you like to hear a song? Kids: Yeah! Nanette: Does everyone know the Peek-A-Boo Song? Kids: Yeah! Nanette: Well, then you know what to do! Donald goes to a piano in the corner and plays the tune. Nanette: [covers her eyes, singing] Peek-A-Boo... Kids: Peek-A-Boo! Nanette: Peek-A-Boo... Kids: Peek-A-Boo! Nanette: Someone's there, but oh my gosh, I don't know who! Is it you? Kids: Peek-A-Boo! Nanette: Give a clue! Kids: Peek-A-Boo! Nanette: Guess I'd better go and sneak a Peek-a-Boo! [uncovers her eyes] Kids: Peek-A-Boo! Everyone laughs and applauds. Nanette: That was great! And now it's your turn to sing back to me, so I want everyone to cover their eyes! All the kids do so. Nanette: Ah-ah! I said everyone! Frasier, chuckling, covers his eyes, as do Roz and all the adults. Donald plays the tune again. The kids start to sing... Kids: Peek-A-Boo... Nanette: Peek-A-Boo! Kids: Peek-A-Boo... Nanette: Peek-A-Boo! With that she turns and gooses Frasier. As he uncovers his eyes in shock, she grabs him and kisses him lustily. Kids: Someone's there, but oh my gosh, I don't know who! Is it you? Nanette: [past his lips] Peek-A-Boo! Kids: Give a clue! Nanette: Peek-A-Boo! They break apart, and lest he confuse the meaning of everything she's already done, she does a seductive grind while tugging at her breasts. Kids: Guess I'd better go and sneak a Peek-a-Boo! Nanette: Peek-A-Boo! They uncover their eyes and everyone applauds, Frasier most enthusiastically of all. Frasier: One more time! [SCENE_BREAK] Scene Three - Apartment Niles is waiting. Martin is in his chair. Frasier comes in with a cake box. Frasier: Oh hi, you guys. I'm glad you're both here. Guess who's coming by for a drink - Nanette Gooseman. Niles: Nanny Gee! Martin: I don't suppose she's bringing her checkbook. Frasier: Oh, dear God, Dad, will you let it go? Martin: I was still paying for that wedding six months after you two divorced! Nannette didn't have any family, so she got off scot-free. Niles: Oh yeah, orphans get all the breaks. [N.B. A second discontinuity here - according to [9.02] "Father of the Bride," Frasier's first wedding was a quick affair dashed off at city hall, presumably by a justice of the peace.] Niles: Hey, Frasier, Dad and Ronee are joining us for dinner, why don't you two come along? Frasier: Well, actually, Niles, I'm planning a bit of an intimate evening myself. Niles: Really? Frasier: She wants me! Martin: Are you sure? You said that last week about the cable lady, and she just had something in her eye. Frasier: She hit on me in the children's bookstore - where I bought her CD. Trust me, the woman is a sexual volcano just waiting to erupt! Niles: [examining the CD] Judging from some of these song titles, you may be right. "Nanny's Messy Bed," "I Feel Something Great Inside Me," "Bannisters are Fun"... Daphne enters with Eddie. Daphne: Hey. [they ad-lib hellos] Niles: My sweater - weren't you wearing it when you went out? Daphne: Yeah, but Eddie was pulling me along so fast, I started sweating like a blacksmith. I could smell the lamb curry I had for lunch just wafting out my pores. But don't worry, it's right here. She opens her purse, where the sweater is bunched into a ball. She notices something. Daphne: Oh, great! [extracts a cookie] That was me last butterscotch, now it's all fuzzy! Niles is about to cry. The doorbell rings. Frasier: That'll be Nanette! He dashes over and opens the door to Nanette, wearing an evening dress. She grabs him again. Frasier: Nanette! Nanette: God, I could throw you down on this floor right now and... [sees the rest] Hi! Frasier: Here, let me take your wrap. Daphne: [aside to Martin] Isn't she the children's entertainer? Martin: Yeah, SpongeBob Hotpants. Frasier hangs up Nanette's wrap. Frasier: Nanette, you remember my dad, of course, and Niles, and this is his wife, Daphne. Nanette hugs Martin, then shakes hands with Daphne. Daphne: Hello, it's nice to meet you. Nanette: Oh, it's nice to meet you too. [hugs Niles] And oh, I don't think I've seen you since the wedding! Martin: Oh, I remember that day. All those nice friends of yours came. What was it - sixty, seventy? Frasier: Yes, okay, Dad. Martin: I know, because, only fifty RSVP'd. Frasier: It's all right. You know, sadly, this bunch is going out this evening, so it'll be just the two of us. Donald knocks and sticks his head in. Donald: Hey! Nanette: And Donald. Frasier: Donald? Donald: Hey, put her there - Don Burwell. Frasier: [shaking hands] Frasier Crane, uh... Nanette: Donald, here, does - well, just about everything for me. He's my manager, producer, songwriter, publicist- Donald: Husband. Nanette: I was getting there. And when I told him where I was going, well he just had to come along to meet you. Frasier: Well, uh... gosh, who wants wine? I know I do! Nanette: I'll help! [follows him] Donald, introduce yourself! Reset to: Kitchen Frasier storms in, followed by Nannette. Frasier: And just when were you planning on telling me you have a husband? Nanette: He produces my show, it's a marriage of convenience. Frasier: Well, at the moment it's not! Nanette: Come on, give Nanny some sugar! She grabs him again. Frasier: Stop-stop it, stop it! Donald will see us. Nanette: Well, say that you're short on something and send him to the store. He's good at errands! Frasier: I'm not going to send him on an errand. He's your husband! Nanette: It's just business. It's nothing compared to what we had. [fondling his chest] Do you remember the passion... and the wildness? Frasier: [weakens] Well, we are running low on cornichons... Reset to: Living Room Donald is standing with his back to the kitchen, telling the rest about their recent tour. Over his shoulder, all Martin, Niles and Daphne see is Frasier and Nanette in a clinch against the refrigerator. Donald: Not only did we break house records in Boise and Topeka, but she hasn't missed a show. She just, she lives to entertain children. Niles: Of all ages. Don, come out and look at the balcony. Niles hurriedly steers Donald onto the balcony. Reset to: Kitchen Frasier pushes her away. Frasier: Dear God! Have we lost our minds? Nanette: Frasier, if you knew how bored I am, being "Nanny Gee." [pours herself a big glass of wine] How trapped I feel... Frasier: You have a wonderful career. Nanette: But nothing ever changes! Do you have any idea what it's like to play the same character for twenty years? [N.B. An inside joke here - 2004 is Kelsey Grammer's twentieth year in the role of Frasier Crane. This line got the biggest laugh from the studio audience, who had been told this in advance.] Frasier: But... you've brought joy to countless small children. Nanette: Yeah, well, there are times you want to bring joy to somebody big enough to throw a little back at you. She grabs him again, he pushes her away and carries out the tray of wine glasses. Reset to: Living Room Frasier: Who wants wine? Daphne: [sotto voce] Oh, that'll cool her right down. Niles: Uh, none for us, we really have to go. Martin: [getting up as Donald reenters] Yeah. Uh, nice to meet you, Donald. And, uh, Fras, see you in a few hours. Donald: [cheerfully] So, looks like a threesome tonight. Martin: Maybe I'll just stay at Ronee's. Martin, Daphne, and Niles exit. Frasier and Nanette stand uneasily with glasses of wine. Frasier: Yes, well, uh... here we all are. Donald's cell phone rings - it is set to the tune of "The Peek-A-Boo Song." Nanette looks like she wants to scream. Frasier sits on the couch and takes a big sip of his wine. Donald: Hello? Ar-are you sure? [to the others] Mr. Bunny's using again. [into phone] Do you have anyone to replace him? Nanette: Donald, we are guests here! Take that outside. Donald does. Nanette: Honestly, the man has no manners. She jumps on Frasier. Frasier: [forces her away] Cut that out! Nanette: Oh, I can't help myself. I've never stopped thinking about you. Frasier: Nor I you, but this is wrong. Nanette: Oh Frasier, you're so good. You always do the right thing. I have the exact same problem. Frasier: Well, you're making great strides overcoming it. Nanette: [checks the balcony] Well, I'm tired of being good. [sits up] I've sung my songs and cheered people up. [lifts her glass] Haven't I earned the right to be a little bad? Isn't there a part of you that wants to be bad? Frasier: Yes, and three guesses which one. I-I... I can't do it. Nanette: Come to my dressing room after the show tomorrow. I have an hour when Donald's busy. I know an hour's not much... Frasier: [overcome] Trust me, an hour's more than ample. She shushes him as Donald comes back in. Donald: Well, I just hope he shows up tomorrow. That bunny suit is just so darn tight on me. Frasier gets up and crosses to the dining table, where he takes a tray of pastries out of the cake box. Frasier: Donald, you know, you really must try one of these Gruyere tarts. Donald: Oh, no thanks. I'm watching the old cholesterol. Nanette: So am I - but you know what? I just feel like being bad tonight. [takes one] What about you, Frasier? Are you going to be bad? Frasier hesitates. Donald takes the dish and holds it up. Donald: Ah, go on - what's one little tart? Frasier and Nanette eat their tarts, exchanging a complicitous smile. END OF ACT ONE [SCENE_BREAK] ACT TWO Scene Four - Caf Nervosa. Niles is at the window seat. Frasier rushes in. Frasier: Niles- Niles: Well, it shows its face. What was that last night? Frasier: Relax, relax, nothing happened. My problem now is that she's invited me to her dressing room for an... apr s-show tryst. Niles: You're not going? Frasier: Well... Niles: Frasier! Frasier: Niles, if you had any idea how much pain she's in. The woman is reaching out to me to rescue her from a loveless marriage, from-from a career she feels trapped in. If I could help her make a new beginning, wouldn't it be heartless of me to deny myself to her? Niles: ...Did you say something? Your pen1s was talking so loud I couldn't hear. Frasier: All right! I want her and she wants me! Niles: She's-married. Frasier: Well, I married her first! "Till death us do part," as I recall! Now you may not take those vows seriously, but I do. Niles: Will you listen to yourself? Frasier: Oh, this is more than just s*x, Niles! This is passion, kismet! A gift the gods bestow on only a chosen few. Wouldn't the real sin be to refuse it? Niles: Isn't that your old second-piece-of-pie argument? Frasier: Well, maybe it is, but I haven't had "pie" in six months! Niles: Frasier, you can rationalize this any way you want. But the question is, if you do this, can you live with yourself afterwards? As Frasier considers that, Alice runs in, followed by Roz. Roz: Ready for the concert? Niles: [rising] Hey, Alice. Alice: Hi, Uncle Niles! She gives him a big hug, making him laugh. Seeing Frasier, she grabs Roz and drags her out again. Alice: Come on, Mommy, let's go! Roz: Oh, oh, oh - no hugs for Frasier? As Roz is dragged out, Frasier slowly rises. Frasier: [sadly] No... no hugs for Frasier. [SCENE_BREAK] BRIGHT LIGHTS, BIG PROBLEM Scene Five - Theater Backstage Frasier knocks on a dressing room door. The star says, "Nanny G." Nanette opens the door, dressed in her costume. Nanette: Frasier, I thought you were coming after the show. Frasier: No, I can't. Nanette: Well, we have ten minutes, let me just get rid of- [yells into the room] Donald! Donald: [o.s.] Huh? Frasier: No, no. I can't do this at all. Nanette: What? Donald: [o.s.] Huh? Nanette: [into room] Nothing, just sit there! She steps into the hall and closes the door behind her. Frasier: God knows I'm tempted, but this is wrong. I-I'm sorry you've been so unhappy in your life lately, but... if you want to talk, we can meet later, at the coffee shop next door. Nanette: Well, why can't we talk now? Frasier: Don't you have a show to do? Nanette: They can't start me. Here, come with me. Scene Six - Prop Room Nanette leads Frasier down some stairs to a room full of sets and props. In the center is a king-sized bed draped with bright, playful covers. Frasier: What is this place? Nanette: It's the prop room. This is where I come before every show to fight off the emptiness and the nausea that comes over me. She sinks onto a chair and cuddles a teddy bear. Nanette: You don't know how many times I've sat down here, curled up in a ball, vomiting like a wino. [chokes back a sob] Hold me, Frasier. Frasier: [tempted again, but] I can't. You're married. And these shoes are suede. Look, I-I realize that you're at a crossroads right now, and if I can help you reach a decision... Nanette: [gets up] I can't go on. Frasier: Then don't. Make a break, redefine yourself- Nanette: No, I mean now. This show, I can't go on. Frasier: What? Cancel? Nanette: I can't go out there and sing and dance and pretend to be a happy lady when the love of my life has just rejected me. Weeping, she lays face-down on the bed - making sure to push her behind up into the air. Frasier: [weakening] Oh, Nanette, I... I realize that you're upset, but-but think of little Alice, and-and the children. Nanette: [lays on her back] Oh, let them learn now that life is filled with bitter disappointments. Frasier: But, Nanette... Nanette rips open the front of her costume, exposing her neglig e. Nanette: Oh, make me a happy lady, Frasier. And then I can go on. Frasier: For the children! He jumps on her. They embrace passionately for a moment, then Frasier breaks away and quickly undresses. Nanette: [helping him] I'll get the belt... CUT TO: Theater Alice and Roz are sitting eagerly in the front row. Roz looks down the aisle for Frasier, then checks her watch. CUT TO: Prop Room Frasier is down to his boxers, as Nanette lays back on the bed. Nanette: Take me, Frasier! Frasier: Yes! Yes! He jumps on her, and she pulls the bedspread over them. Nanette: Oh! Oh God! How I've dreamed of this moment! Have you? Frasier: Are you kidding? [reaches down, pulls off his boxers, and flings them away] I dreamed of it twice last night! They start necking passionately... then the ceiling opens above them and the bed starts to rise on a hydraulic lift. Nanette: Oh my God! Frasier: Already? Nanette: [pushes him off her] Oh, no! I thought we had more time! Quick, get off the bed! P.O.V. Looking down through the opening as the bed rises toward the light, as Frasier and Nanette scramble: Frasier: Oh, dear God! Why is the ceiling opening up?! Nanette: This is how I make my entrance! [re-buttoning her costume] GET OFF THE BED! Frasier: I can't, I can't! I'm tangled in the sheets! Nanette: Oh, my God! Jump! Frasier: Jump? It's too high! Nanette: Aim for your clothes! Frasier: [realizing] Dear God, my clothes! Nanette: Oh, hide! For God's sake, just hide! They both duck under the covers. [N.B. All of the following scenes were shot earlier at the Bogart Theater in Los Angeles. The audience was shown the scenes on the monitors, to record the laugh track. In fact, the audience laughed so loud the volume had to be decreased for the broadcast just so the action could be heard.] As the bed rises into a playful bedroom set, the orchestra strikes up, and the audience cheers, waving "NANNY G" pennants. Under the covers: Nanette: You have got to get out of this bed! Frasier: Can't I just hide here until the show's over? Nanette: Trust me, that ain't gonna work. Finished re-buttoning her costume, she sits up, with a big smile on her face. The audience applauds, and as the orchestra starts the first number, she stretches her arms over her head and yawns. A rooster crows. Nanette: [singing] When it's time to rise, I yawn and rub my eyes, because I'm such a sleepyhead But rise I do, 'Cause I'm dying to see what's new In Nanny's messy bed Frasier risks lifting the covers enough to see out, and quickly ducks down again when he sees the whole audience in plain view. Nanette: There might be treats, Last week I found a pizza And a chimpanzee named Fred [gets out and starts dancing] So kids, what say, we see what we find today in Nanny's messy bed? Four actors wearing animal costumes enter from behind the bed and jump on it - and Frasier - before jumping down to the stage to dance. Nanette: There's always something new It's Mr. Kangaroo! Bunnies: Some bunny rabbits, too! Panda: And a Panda! Instrumental. As Nanette and the animals dance around the bed, Frasier peeks out and whispers to the nearest one. Frasier: Psst! Panda! Panda: [keeps dancing] Who the hell are you? Frasier: Dr. Frasier Crane, a noted psychiatrist. When does the bed go back to the basement? Panda: A new set comes on, the bed flies out to the rafters - fast. Nanette stands on the bed and lifts the cover over herself - seeing Frasier but keeping him covered from the audience. All: What a mess! What a mess! What a messy, messy, messy, messy bad! What a mess! Nonetheless... Nanette: With all the time I spend in it, it's nice to have a friend in it! She peeks under the cover. Frasier: You have got to get me out of here. The thing's about to fly up to the rafters! Nanette: Gee, I didn't know that, having only done this show 12,000 times! As the others continue singing, she ducks under the covers and pulls something out of the front of her costume. Nanette: Put this on. Frasier: You can't be serious! Nanette: Just put it on now! She comes back up as the others finish singing. Actors: Messy bed... They finish. The audience applauds. Nanette: Oh, hi boys and girls! Audience: [including Roz and Alice] Hi, Nanny Gee! Nanette: Well, I guess I guess I'd better make my bed! Kangaroo: You don't have to, Nanny Gee! I have a magic wand that can make it fly away until it's nighttime again! [waves the wand] Al-a-ka- Nanette: WAIT! I think there's something in there that I haven't found yet! [looks and gasps] It's the best surprise ever - it's a new baby brother! She flips the sheet up, revealing Frasier wearing nothing but an oversized comedy diaper and baby bonnet. The audience roars with laughter. Alice puts a hand to her mouth, giggling. Roz just stares. Nanette: Oh, what's the matter, little guy? You look kind of sad. Are you going to cry? [urges him with her eyes] Frasier: Waaaa! Nanette: Oh, sounds like somebody could use some cheering up. Let's sing him the "Hoppity-Hop" song. Kangaroo: [under his breath] We cut "Hoppity-Hop" in Detroit. Nanette: [through her teeth] Well, put it back in! The orchestra master changes his sheet music, and begins. The animals form up. Nanette: [singing] When I'm blue, just like you When it's not my day I hop, hop, hoppity-hop Hop my troubles away [to Frasier] Come on! Nanette and the animals dance around the bed. Frasier has no choice but to get off the bed and do the same. All: When a bee stings my knee When I lose a toy I hop, hop, hoppity-hop and soon I'm jumping for joy! Frasier struggles madly to ape their choreography and lip-sync the words, darting glances at Nanette and the others. Roz looks incredulous. All: We were feeling sad Now we're feeling snappy We were hopping mad Now we're hopping happy! So when you think people stink Let your knees just bend And hop, hop, hoppity-hop and watch your grumpiness end! As they reach stage left, Frasier tries to slip offstage, but runs headlong into Donald, who is staring at him, enraged. Frasier can only continue back across the stage, dancing in a line with Nanette and the animals. All: Hop, hop, hoppity-hop and soon you'll make a new friend... Roz puts a hand over her eyes. END OF ACT TWO [SCENE_BREAK] The actors are sitting around a table in the prop room, smoking and playing cards. Donald comes down the stairs, and asks where to find Frasier. They say they don't know. Irritated by the smoke, Donald quickly leaves. Frasier emerges from behind a prop chest, dressed. He thanks the gang, and they send him on his way.

Roz is disappointed when she is unable to get Alice tickets to a concert by children's performer Nanette Guzman a.k.a. Nanny G (played by Laurie Metcalf ). After his family reveals that he used to be married to her, Frasier agrees to help Roz secure tickets. He accompanies Roz and Alice to a bookstore appearance, and continually drops hints to Nanny G about the fact that he is single. She doesn't seem interested. However, she soon has everyone in the store cover their eyes as part of a song. She gooses Frasier and kisses him passionately. They plan a rendezvous at his apartment. Much to his surprise, Nanny G shows up with her producer, Donald ( Don McManus ), who is also her husband. She claims that the marriage is only a business arrangement, and laments how frustrated she is with her life. She makes several passes at Frasier, and asks him to meet up with her after her concert the next day. Although he is in the midst of a dry spell and desperately wants to go through with it, he realizes it is wrong. He stops by before the show to share his decision, and Nanny G asks him to go down to the prop room to talk. She seduces Frasier, and he takes off his clothes and jumps into the prop bed with her, only to have it rise to the stage as the show begins. Meanwhile, Niles buys an expensive sweater, breaking a promise to Daphne to be frugal and save money for their child's college fund. Daphne, who believes the sweater is from Gap , quickly proceeds to ruin it, leaving Niles frustrated but with no recourse.

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THE STONES OF BLOOD BY: DAVID FISHER Part Four Running time: 23:07 [SCENE_BREAK] VIVIEN: Ogri, come. MEGARA: Do not harm our prisoner. VIVIEN: Ogri, stop. The Megara. DOCTOR: Mmm. Are they friends of yours? [SCENE_BREAK] VIVIEN: Did you break the seals? DOCTOR: Well, yes, I'm afraid I did. MEGARA: Silence. He is ours. He is ours. Afterwards, you may have him. DOCTOR: Oh, no, no, please, don't rush on my account. I'm so sorry to disappoint you. MEGARA 2: The prisoner has been tried and sentenced in his absence. The sentence will now be carried out. DOCTOR: What sentence? MEGARA 2: The sentence is death. You are to be executed immediately. VIVIEN: Oh, may I watch? You don't mind, do you, Doctor? DOCTOR: No, no, no, no, no. Please, be my guest. I wouldn't want you to miss my execution. MEGARA 2: Prepare for dissolution. DOCTOR: Objection! MEGARA 2: On what grounds? DOCTOR: How can there possibly be a sentence when there hasn't been a trial. MEGARA 2: There has been a trial. DOCTOR: There has been a trial. There has? MEGARA: I defended you. MEGARA 2: I was judge. You were found guilty. DOCTOR: But I wasn't there. MEGARA 2: Immaterial. Your counsel was. He was most eloquent on your behalf. DOCTOR: I demand the right to defend myself. MEGARA 2: Not permitted. DOCTOR: Why not? MEGARA: You are a humanoid and therefore quite incapable of appreciating the subtleties of the law. DOCTOR: Machine law. MEGARA 2: But of course. There is no other law. DOCTOR: Ah. I see. Just a minute. MEGARA: As your counsel, my advice to you is to submit to execution. So much easier in the end. DOCTOR: I wish to appeal against my sentence. MEGARA 2: There are no grounds. DOCTOR: How do you know? You haven't heard my case yet. VIVIEN: Your Honours, surely you're not going to allow yourselves to be persuaded by this criminal? MEGARA 2: Who are you? Identify yourself to the court. VIVIEN: Vivien Fay. ROMANA: She's the reason why we're here. MEGARA 2: Are you saying that Vivien Fay broke the seals? ROMANA: No, but what I'm saying MEGARA 2: Then your evidence is immaterial. MEGARA: And incompetent. MEGARA 2: Attempts to influence the bench are punishable by death. MEGARA: Article twenty three of the legal code, subsection seventeen. DOCTOR: Ahem. Could we get back to my appeal, please? MEGARA 2: In accordance with article fourteen of the legal code, subsection one three five, this humanoid's execution is stayed for two hours while we graciously consent to hear his appeal. Afterwards, the execution will take place as ordered. DOCTOR: Your Honours are too kind. VIVIEN: I demand that you execute him now. MEGARA 2: You are out of order. DOCTOR: Ha! [SCENE_BREAK] EMILIA: Oh, thank heavens. Are you better, dear? K9: Thank you, Professor Rumford. EMILIA: Can you move? K9: Mobility impaired, but databanks recharged. EMILIA: What are we going to do? Vivien smashed the machine. K9: Reconstruct it. With your help, it shouldn't be difficult. EMILIA: With my help? I'm an archaeologist, not an engineer. K9: You will work under my direction. EMILIA: Oh. [SCENE_BREAK] ROMANA: You must tell the Megara we're Time Lords. DOCTOR: I just don't ROMANA: Tell them! DOCTOR: I don't think, I don't think it would do any good. They're justice machines, remember? I knew a Galactic Federation once, lots of different lifeforms so they appointed a justice machine to administer the law. ROMANA: What happened? DOCTOR: They found the Federation in contempt of court and blew up the entire galaxy. MEGARA 2: The court has considered the request of the humanoid, hereinafter known as the Doctor. In order to speed up the process of law, it will graciously permit him to conduct his own appeal, prior to his execution. DOCTOR: Thank you, Your Honour. MEGARA 2: You may call your first witness. DOCTOR: I call as my first witness, Miss Romanadvoratrelundar. ROMANA: Me? DOCTOR: Hmm. ROMANA: But I'm not a witness. MEGARA 2: The witness will take the stand and be sworn in. The witness will repeat the oath. I swear to tell the truth. Repeat. ROMANA: I swear to tell the truth. MEGARA 2: As far as I, a mere humanoid ROMANA: As far as I. Look, I object to the wording. MEGARA 2: Contempt is punishable by death. DOCTOR: Your Honours, I'm sure that my witness wishes to withdraw that last remark, don't you. MEGARA 2: Do you? ROMANA: As far as I, a mere humanoid MEGARA 2: Am capable of knowing the truth. ROMANA: Am capable of knowing the truth. ROMANA: What's that? MEGARA: It assesses the level of truth. ROMANA: Oh. What happens if the level falls? MEGARA: That would be most regrettable, Miss Romanadvoratrelundar. DOCTOR: Miss Dvoratrelundar, when we opened the hyperspace capsules, what did we find inside? ROMANA: Dead things. DOCTOR: Dead things? ROMANA: Well, bodies of dead creatures. Dead travellers, I suppose. DOCTOR: And when we found the hyperspace capsule in which their Honours were travelling, could you see what was inside? ROMANA: No. DOCTOR: What did you think was inside? ROMANA: I didn't know. It could have been anything. DOCTOR: What, even creatures still alive? ROMANA: Yes. DOCTOR: No further questions. MEGARA 2: The witness is excused. [SCENE_BREAK] EMILIA: How's that, K9? K9: You have now linked the alpha circuit to the sine interphase. EMILIA: I have? Is that all right? K9: Affirmative. EMILIA: Oh, it's not so difficult after all. K9: Continue. [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: Your Honours, I call as my second witness Miss Vivien Fay. VIVIEN: But I'm not a witness. DOCTOR: That's for their Honours to decide. I call Miss Fay. VIVIEN: But I'm not a witness. I didn't see anything. I don't know anything. DOCTOR: I call Miss Fay. VIVIEN: No! MEGARA 2: Once you have been called, you must appear. It is the law. DOCTOR: Ha! Ha! VIVIEN: But I know nothing, your Honour MEGARA 2: It is the law. VIVIEN: Ogri. ROMANA: I see what you mean about the galaxy. VIVIEN: I will take the oath. ROMANA: What are you up to, Doctor? DOCTOR: Trying to find out who she really is. ROMANA: Is that important? DOCTOR: Well, it might just save my life. MEGARA 2: Repeat. ROMANA: What do you mean? DOCTOR: Why else do you think the Megara are here? VIVIEN: I swear. ROMANA: You mean they're after Miss Fay? DOCTOR: Well, who else has been around for four thousand years? It's got to be Miss Fay. ROMANA: Why don't they just arrest her? DOCTOR: Because they're justices, not policemen. ROMANA: Ah. I suppose those poor creatures back there were the police. DOCTOR: Yes. It's a pity they're also dead. ROMANA: Well, if this is a police vessel, then surely they must have a description of her. An identification, voice print DOCTOR: Shush. All the Megara will have is a name on the charge sheet. ROMANA: There must be something incriminating in her cottage. I'll try and get back somehow. DOCTOR: Good girl. ROMANA: Can you keep it going here? DOCTOR: Yes, but not for long. MEGARA: Doctor, we are waiting. DOCTOR: I beg your pardon, your Honours. I was consulting with my associate. VIVIEN: Where's that girl going? She has no right leaving the court without the judge's permission. DOCTOR: Oh come, what does it matter where she goes. As we all know, no one can escape the Megara. Am I not right, your Honour? MEGARA 2: Proceed with the questioning, Doctor. Your execution is long overdue. DOCTOR: Yes, thank you. I request that this witness be attached to the truth assessor. MEGARA: Unnecessary. DOCTOR: What? But why? The previous witness was attached to the assessor. MEGARA: Because she was present when the seals to our compartment was broken. This witness was not. DOCTOR: I demand that this witness be treated in exactly the same way as the previous one. MEGARA 2: Demand? DOCTOR: Request, then. MEGARA 2: Request denied. Proceed, Doctor. [SCENE_BREAK] ROMANA: If only Vivien Fay hadn't broken that machine. [SCENE_BREAK] EMILIA: Perhaps I ought to check the wiring. I may have joined something up wrong. K9: I was superintending the work. EMILIA: Just the same. K9: Danger, danger. ROMANA: Run, Professor, run. [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: I submit most respectfully that your Honours are in error. MEGARA 2: Error? Impossible. MEGARA: We are programmed against the possibility of error. DOCTOR: But you have ruled that this witness need not be attached to the assessor because she wasn't present when the seals of your capsule were broken. MEGARA: Correct. DOCTOR: How do you know that? MEGARA: Because we did not see her when we emerged. DOCTOR: That is not proof. MEGARA: Do you now say she was there? DOCTOR: No, no, I don't say that. I say that she will never tell us anything approaching the truth unless she is forced to. I don't think that she'd even tell us her real name, except from fear of the assessor. VIVIEN: Your Honours, may a mere humanoid offer a suggestion? MEGARA 2: If you must. VIVIEN: If it will facilitate the proceedings, may I say that I have no objection to the assessor. Attach me to it if you wish. Ask me if I broke the seals. I will answer truthfully. [SCENE_BREAK] ROMANA: K9, stay on guard. Now, Professor, you stayed here. You spent a lot of time in her company. Is there any part of the house where she didn't like you to go? Anywhere or anything she kept locked? [SCENE_BREAK] MEGARA 2: Are you ready, Miss Fay? VIVIEN: Ready, your Honours. MEGARA 2: You will answer my questions truthfully. Should you lie, the assessor will register the degree of untruth and react accordingly. You understand? VIVIEN: I understand, your Honours. MEGARA 2: The question is, did you or did you not remove the seals from the official compartment in which my colleague and I were travelling? VIVIEN: I did not. MEGARA: A reading of zero point six on the scale is registered. DOCTOR: What does that mean? MEGARA 2: An answer within the legal definition of truth. DOCTOR: Are you sure? MEGARA: We do not make mistakes. DOCTOR: How do you know? You've been locked in that capsule for four thousand years! Even the finest piece of machinery deteriorates after that time. Rust, dust, pieces of fluff. Think how you'd feel if you condemn an innocent humanoid to death just because you got a bit of fluff stuck in your sprocket wheel or whatever it is you've got in there. MEGARA: Living cells. A microcellular metallic organism. MEGARA 2: We are bio-machines. MEGARA: Incapable of error. DOCTOR: Very well. If you're so perfect, test yourselves, I dare you. Ask her her real name. MEGARA 2: Irrelevant. MEGARA: Irrational. MEGARA 2: You broke the seals without proper authorisation, the penalty for which offence is execution. DOCTOR: I thought you were on my side. MEGARA: I am. You are my client. DOCTOR: Great lawyer you've turned out to be. MEGARA: I have your interests at heart. I do not wish you to suffer unduly. I will plead with my colleague for a swift, painless death for you. MEGARA 2: Your plea is granted. MEGARA: You see, Doctor? Justice can be merciful. You may step down, Miss Fay. VIVIEN: Thank you, your Honours. MEGARA: Proceed with the execution immediately. DOCTOR: Objection! MEGARA 2: To what are you objecting this time? DOCTOR: I haven't finished presenting my case yet. I have another witness I wish to call. MEGARA: But there are no other witnesses here. DOCTOR: You're wrong, your Honour. There's one other witness I can call. MEGARA: Who? DOCTOR: You. [SCENE_BREAK] EMILIA: Oh, it's hopeless. We don't even know what we're looking for. Perhaps we've seen it without realising it. Perhaps it's at the hall. Found anything, K9? K9: Negative, Professor. ROMANA (OOV.): Citric acid! EMILIA: What? [SCENE_BREAK] ROMANA: Lemon juice. EMILIA: I know what citric acid is. ROMANA: Look at these cookery books. Some of the recipes are marked, and some are crossed out. EMILIA: Well, she crossed out things she didn't like. ROMANA: Like recipes containing citric acid. EMILIA: She was allergic to lemon juice. ROMANA: She said that? EMILIA: Yes. She wouldn't touch lemon tea or lager and lime ROMANA: Anything else? EMILIA: Er, grapefruit, oranges [SCENE_BREAK] EMILIA: Avocados, certain kinds of meat. Don't see what you're getting at. ROMANA: Have you ever wondered why the Ogri don't attack her? I mean, why should she be safe? EMILIA: Perhaps they don't fancy her blood. ROMANA: Precisely. Which means that Vivien Fay has a different metabolism to Earth-born humans. K9, with a metabolism like that, what kind of planet does she come from? K9: Referring to memory banks, mistress. ROMANA: Think, Professor, think. Any little thing could give us a clue. Is there anything you can remember? [SCENE_BREAK] MEGARA: We are justice machines. MEGARA 2: Judge. MEGARA: Jury. MEGARA 2: Executioner. MEGARA: We cannot be called to give evidence. DOCTOR: Why not? Why not? I only want to put my counsel on the stand. There's nothing in the law that says I can't do that, is there? Well, is there? MEGARA 2: According to our databanks, the law does not actually specify that the accused may not call his own counsel. DOCTOR: Very well, I call the Megara! MEGARA 2: But it is most unorthodox indeed. It may be grounds for a charge of contempt of court. DOCTOR: I shall of course, your Honour, dispense with the oath. MEGARA 2: You certainly will. The Megara cannot lie. DOCTOR: Well, that's handy. Why were you sealed in your capsule? MEGARA: Because we are justice machines travelling on judicial business. DOCTOR: Travelling to where? MEGARA: Diplos, a G class planet in Tau Ceti. DOCTOR: What was the nature of your business? MEGARA: To try a humanoid criminal. DOCTOR: Ah. A female humanoid criminal? [SCENE_BREAK] ROMANA: It has to be a G class planet in Tau Ceti. K9: There are two other possibilities, mistress. ROMANA: Both incapable of supporting any form of humanoid life. Besides, the planet Ogros, the home of the Ogri, is in the same star system. EMILIA: Talking of the Ogri, what happened to our friend? K9: Ogri approaching. ROMANA: How close, K9? ROMANA: Come on, let's get out of here! [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: Of what crime had the female humanoid been accused? MEGARA: Murder, and the removal and misuse of the Great Seal of Diplos. DOCTOR: Ah. And did the Great Seal of Diplos, by any chance, have any special powers? MEGARA: It has the powers of transmutation, transformation and the establishing of hyperspatial and temporal coordinates. DOCTOR: Ha. Exactly as I thought. MEGARA 2: Is this relevant? DOCTOR: Well it is to me, your Honour, yes. What is this female humanoid called? MEGARA: She is known as Cessair of Diplos. DOCTOR: And her description? MEGARA: We have none. DOCTOR: You have none. How do you expect to identify her, then? MEGARA: We do not. DOCTOR: You do not. MEGARA: An officer was to identify her when we reached our destination. DOCTOR: But all the officers are dead. MEGARA: Yes. DOCTOR: Then you have no way of knowing who she is. VIVIEN: All this is irrelevant, your Honours. The accused is merely trying to delay his long overdue execution. MEGARA 2: Agreed. DOCTOR: She is Cessair of Diplos! VIVIEN: Prove it. DOCTOR: Why else is she here in hyperspace? What's the ship doing here? MEGARA 2: That is not proof, that is supposition. VIVIEN: I am Vivien Fay of Rose Cottage, Boscawen. Ask anyone in Boscawen, they will identify me. MEGARA 2: These proceedings must now be terminated. Prepare to eliminate the accused. [SCENE_BREAK] ROMANA: Right. We can prove she's got a non-Terran metabolism, comes from a class G planet, and we even know the date of her arrival on Earth. EMILIA: We do? ROMANA: Well, how long's this circle been here? EMILIA: About two thousand BC. Nearly four thousand years. ROMANA: That's when she arrived. EMILIA: Of course. Ready, chaps. ROMANA: K9! [SCENE_BREAK] MEGARA: Prepare yourself to die, Doctor. DOCTOR: Do you usually execute your own clients? MEGARA: We are allowed to execute only prisoners who have been found guilty. DOCTOR: Mmm. Well, it certainly adds a new dimension to the role of defending counsel. Wait a minute, wait a minute. Aren't you supposed to be offering me a last toffee apple or something? A blindfold, a hearty breakfast, a free pardon? No? MEGARA: Too late, Doctor. Goodbye. DOCTOR: Ah. Goodbye. Goodbye. Goodbye. [SCENE_BREAK] K9: Mistress, speed imperative. I cannot hold him. ROMANA: Quickly, beam me through. [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: Hello. Did I short-circuit? MEGARA: Why did you try to involve Miss Fay in your execution? DOCTOR: Is she all right? MEGARA: We have no legal authority to kill her. DOCTOR: Well, I know, I know, but can you reach her memory cells? MEGARA: Why should we do that? DOCTOR: Well, her brain might be damaged. MEGARA: We will check. MEGARA 2: I am reaching her memory cells. This humanoid is not Vivien Fay. She is Cessair of Diplos. Wait. She is guilty of the theft and misuse of the Great Seal of Diplos. Also of removing silicon based lifeforms from the planet Ogros in contravention of article seven five nine four of the Galactic Charter, and employing them for her own ends. DOCTOR: You see? All you had to do was read her memory cells. MEGARA 2: According to article three, subsection one three five of the legal code, we the Megara, are not permitted to read the memory cells of any beings, except when they are unable to present their evidence by reason of death, unconsciousness or natural stupidity. ROMANA: Stop! I have new evidence. DOCTOR: Too late. I've just been executed. ROMANA: What? DOCTOR: There's an Ogri behind you. ROMANA: No! The Professor must have let it through. MEGARA: Stop! We are the Megara. I command you to stop. VIVIEN: Ogri, what's happening? MEGARA: Ogri, you will be confined to a cell on this vessel until you can be returned to your home planet. VIVIEN: No! MEGARA 2: Cessair of Diplos, you have been tried and found guilty of the following charges. Impersonating a religious personage, to wit, a Celtic goddess, for which the penalty is imprisonment for one thousand five hundred years. Theft of the Great Seal of Diplos, for which the penalty is perpetual imprisonment. The sentences to run consecutively. Have you anything to say before sentence is passed? [SCENE_BREAK] EMILIA: Vivien, what are those things? DOCTOR: Those, Professor, are the Megara. Justice machines. They're about to carry out their sentence. I'd stand back if I were you. (to Vivien) Hello. VIVIEN: If you let them do this to me, Doctor, you'll never find what you're looking for. DOCTOR: Oh, I wouldn't go as far as that. Excuse me, gentlemen, I think this belongs to me. MEGARA 2: Sentence will be carried out. Perpetual imprisonment. DOCTOR: Well, that's your business completed. MEGARA: Not quite, Doctor. DOCTOR: What do you mean, not quite? MEGARA: There is still the matter of your delayed execution. DOCTOR: Delayed? Oh, I wouldn't bother about that, if I were you. DOCTOR: Bye, bye. Happy journey! ROMANA: Where are they going? DOCTOR: Back to Diplos. I took the liberty of fixing the controls on their ship before we popped back here. It should give us a couple of thousand years grace. Come on, we can't stand around here. We've got things to do. Come along. [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: Come on, K9. EMILIA: Poor Vivien. I can't help feeling sorry for her, but she hasn't finished making trouble yet. ROMANA: What do you mean? EMILIA: The Nine Travellers. They'll have to be surveyed all over again. Oh, that'll put the cat amongst the pigeons, believe me. DOCTOR: Professor, you could write a monograph about it. EMILIA: Ah yes, and make Idwal Morgan look a fool. ROMANA: Will you write everything that happened? EMILIA: Certainly not. I do have my academic reputation to consider. Funny, I never noticed a police box there before. ROMANA: Goodbye, Professor, and thank you for everything. EMILIA: Goodbye? Where EMILIA: I do have my academic reputation to consider. [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: The tracer. ROMANA: Doctor, is Earth always like that? DOCTOR: Sometimes it's even exciting. ROMANA: Oh. DOCTOR: Now.

The Doctor convinces the Megara to give Vivien Fay a truth test while playing for time so Romana can get back to Earth and find evidence against Vivien.

fd_Gilmore_Girls_05x12

fd_Gilmore_Girls_05x12_0

LUKE'S APARTMENT [Lorelai comes out of the bathroom. Luke is lying in bed.] LORELAI: Hey. You built me a shelf. That's so nice. LUKE: It was anything but nice. I kept using your crazy toothpaste. LORELAI: There's nothing crazy about my toothpaste. LUKE: It's cinnamon. LORELAI: So what? LUKE: I don't like cinnamon. I like normal flavored. LORELAI: What exactly is this normal flavor? LUKE: You know, striped. LORELAI: Striped. That's not a flavor. LUKE: It is in the toothpaste world. LORELAI: Ooo, the toothpaste world. Is that anything like Whoville? [She joins him in bed.] LUKE: I'm exhausted. LORELAI [perky]: I'm exhilarated. LUKE: You know, you don't have to do this. LORELAI: Hey. Going to bed early every once in a while is good for ya. LUKE: I have to get up at four. You don't. LORELAI: Yes, I know, but every night you have early deliveries is a night we spend apart and seriously, where's the good in that? LUKE: Okay. [He turns off the light.] 'Night. [They kiss.] LORELAI: Night. [They kiss again. Luke rolls over. Lorelai is sitting up. She looks around, wide awake.] LORELAI: Man, is it quiet. Do you hear how quiet it is? LUKE: Mm-hmm. LORELAI: Do you have a pin, 'cause I want to hear it drop. LUKE: No pins. LORELAI: Okay. Sorry. So, okay. Good night. [She leans back, then taps Luke on the shoulder.] Hey, Luke. Why don't you have a T.V.? LUKE: I have a T.V. LORELAI: No, I mean, in here, in the bedroom so you can watch T.V. in bed. LUKE [rolls back over]: I don't watch T.V. in bed. Studies show that it's not good for your sleep. LORELAI: What studies? LUKE: Watching T.V. in bed screws up your REM sleep. LORELAI: But Charlie Rose, Jon Stewart, Pink Lady and Jeff? LUKE: All screw up your REM sleep. LORELAI: How does Charlie Rose screw up your REM sleep? LUKE: Because he's always got some guy on pushing a book about how everything's all going to hell, or they're going to pass a law, how everyone with a nose ring is going to get shipped off to China. Suddenly you're depressed, thinking we're all going to die and don't drink the water, there's anthrax in my bagel - and bam, there goes your REM sleep. LORELAI: Or Mel Brooks is on, and he is so funny, and you think, "What a wonderful world we live in, that there's a Mel Brooks to go to sleep to." LUKE: Mel Brooks is never on Charlie Rose, and when he is on he's talking about Nazis, and then you go to sleep and you dream about Nazis and they all look like Nathan Lane, and you're creeped out for days. LORELAI: You know what ruins your REM sleep, is those articles about REM sleep. And you know what could help you forget those articles about REM sleep? LUKE: What? LORELAI: A television. [Luke opens his eyes.] LORELAI: Say goodnight, Gracie. LUKE: Goodnight, Gracie. [He rolls back over. Lorelai tries to sleep, then pops her eyes open.] OPENING CREDITS YALE NEWSROOM [Rory walks in and heads for her desk. Doyle is in her chair and Paris is sitting on the desk, fanning him.] RORY: Move butt, please. PARIS: In a minute. RORY: What's wrong with Doyle? PARIS: Mitchum Huntzberger just left. RORY: Logan's dad? DOYLE: My entire body is numb. RORY: What was he doing here? DOYLE: What was he doing here? Busting my chops, which are now numb. Oh my God, my chops are completely numb! PARIS: Don't speak, don't speak. RORY: So Mitchum Huntzberger stopped by just to make various parts of Doyle's body insensate? PARIS: He's a deep-pocket alumnus. Every few months Yale reels guys like him in for banquets and luncheons. DOYLE: And he's going to New York to throw some party for Seymour Hersh on Friday night. [To Paris] A little faster? [She obliges.] RORY: Seymour Hersh? The New Yorker's Seymour Hersh? Wow. DOYLE: The man owns thirteen newspapers. He's my best contact in the business and I fell like a house of cards. I made that joke about Abu Grab. God, that was inappropriate. PARIS: It wasn't supposed to be a ha ha, funny Abu Grab joke. Stop beating yourself up. DOYLE: Then he busted me on the fact that Logan hasn't had a by-line all year, wants me to light a fire under him and get him to write. [In a deeper, serious voice:] "I'd like to hand the business over to my son, Doyle, so it'd be nice if he knew something about it." PARIS: He's going to pass his empire on to that playboy cad while a rising star such as Doyle is standing right before him. DOYLE: In a pool of my own sweat. See, it's kind of a minus. RORY: I'm sure it wasn't that bad. DOYLE [Stands]: Now I'm Logan's journalistic Godfather, and I can't even get the punk to show up, never mind write a story. RORY: Do you even know if he can write? DOYLE: Oh, he can write. He's actually an excellent writer. How's that for God giving with both hands, huh? Every now and then, usually when he gets the flu or the clap, and can't party, he'll throw us a bone and write something. It's always good. Damn good. Stupid b*st*rd. PARIS: Well, you are his editor, Doyle. Talk to him. Assign him something. DOYLE: I did. He's supposed to cover the student uproar over Assistant Professor Warrick resigning. RORY: And? DOYLE: And he said thank you, left the room, and I heard him laughing all the way down the hall. I haven't seen him here since. [He sits.] I don't know what to do. [Paris starts fanning him again.] RORY: Um, Doyle, I just finished that piece on the dissatisfaction of the faculty with the tenure system, and I bet a lot of my notes would overlap with Logan's story. DOYLE: Point, Gilmore, point? RORY: If you want, I could arrange to get together with Logan. Share my notes with him. Maybe it could get him started. DOYLE: Really? You'd do that? RORY: Sure. I mean, if it would help you out. DOYLE: Gilmore, I am loving you at this moment. PARIS: Moment's over. DOYLE: Moment's over. Thanks. RORY: Sure, boss. Anything for the team. [Paris is glaring at Doyle. He gestures "What could I do?" Paris tosses some files on his desk and stomps away. Doyle sighs, picks up the files and starts fanning himself.] DRAGONFLY INN - DINING ROOM [Lorelai is leading a staff meeting. All the employees are sitting facing her.] LORELAI: Okay, everyone remember your time cards. Punch in, punch out, including lunch and breaks. Okay, now, next on the agenda is something very exciting. The Dragonfly Inn's first official sexual harassment seminar. MICHEL: Ah, finally. Yes, good, talk to them. LORELAI: Sexual harassment is bad. So no one touch anyone in any funny places unless specifically asked. Moving on. MICHEL: That's it? That's the seminar? Where's the speech about people not ogling other people like an object of desire? How about explaining that the way some people walk with a sway or a bounce, it is natural. It is because we work out, and we take Pilates, and - LORELAI: No one touch Michel! Moving on. Uh, Billy, Adam, you've got to remember to securely lock the padlock on the stables, not just hook it on. Cletus has figured out how to push it off with his nose, and two days in a row I found him at reception. [She laughs.] Now if you could just check people in, that would be a different story, but - until then, um, lock the stable and check the lock and - Kirk. [She notices Kirk sitting in the back.] What are you doing here? KIRK: Staff meeting. LORELAI: You don't work here. KIRK: I thought I might like to go into hotel management someday, and I figured this was a good place to learn. LORELAI: Oh, Kirk, you can't just crash a staff meeting. KIRK [Writing on a clipboard]: "Outsiders cannot crash staff meetings." I'm learning so much. LORELAI: Okay, anything else to discuss before we wrap it up here? MICHEL: Yes. [He stands.] We have a problem with some honor bar discrepancies. For the past few weeks after I have checked a room and found the honor bar intact, the next day, Toblerones are missing. SOOKIE: What? MICHEL: Only Toblerones, and only in certain rooms. I think we have thieves. LORELAI: Or guests. MICHEL: No, these are not the guests. The disappearances are happening in rooms no one is staying in. I think we have thieves and it's obviously an inside job. These people are waiting until I've made my rounds. They're waiting until I've checked my list, 'till I initial my list, and only then do they steal the Toblerones. LORELAI: Maybe you counted wrong. MICHEL: I say we install surveillance cameras, fingerprint the staff, run the prints through the FBI and have mandatory searches before they leave at the end of their shift. LORELAI: Oh, well, that sounds great. Everybody drop your pants for Michel before you leave. Meeting adjourned. [They all get up and head back to work.] KIRK: No food spread? The staff meetings at Connecticut Light and Power always have a lovely food spread. Nice bagels, an assortment of schmear. [The staff ignore him.] LUKE'S DINER [Lane is busy waiting on tables. Kyon walks in.] LANE: Hey, Kyon. I'm busy, so quick, what do you got? KYON: Many things. These come house, Mrs. Kim throw directly in trash. LANE: My Sam Ash catalogues! What's that smell? KYON: They landed in old fish and bok choy. LANE: Figures, what else you got? [Kyon pulls something out of her bag.] LANE: My old Madonna t-shirt! KYON: Mrs. Kim use as rag. Says little horse-face good to scrub scum. LANE: I wore this, ironically, by the way. I was never into her. Not my thing. KYON [suspiciously]: Right. LANE: Anything else, Kyon? KYON: Overheard conversation. Mrs. Kim having Lunar New Year at her house this year. She expect you to come. LANE: Oh, she does? KYON: She says not coming is same as spitting on ancestors and ancestors no like spit. LANE: Expects me to come. Unbelievable. After she attacks my boyfriend on the street, damning him to the fires of hell and swimming with carnivorous dogs. And now she expects me to smile and curtsey and just go to Lunar New Year dinner like nothing happened. Nice, huh? KYON: Whoa, I'm not your sounding board. I deliver scoop, you give me Monte Cristo sandwich. LANE: Fine. Sit over there. [Lane goes to the table in the other corner, where Zach and Brian are looking at photos.] ZACH: There are some good ones here. BRIAN: Definitely. LANE: Oh, our band pictures! How are they? BRIAN: They're all good. ZACH: Except the one of you bending over and looking through your legs. BRIAN: I was just seeing what works. ZACH: I like this one. BRIAN: A tree's covering my face. ZACH: Come on, dude, the good of the many. BRIAN: What do you like, Lane? LANE: I don't like any of them. ZACH: What? LANE: You guys look good, I mean, not the Brian with his face between his legs one, or the profile one where you've got your finger in your mouth and the peek-a-boo look - ZACH: Right, peek-a-boo! That's what it is. BRIAN: I was experimenting. LANE: But I don't look good. ZACH: What are you talking about? [He grabs the photo.] You look totally cool, like a real chick. LANE: I look like the Korean Buddy Holly. BRIAN: Buddy Holly was cool. LANE: May he rest in peace, but Buddy Holly was not an attractive man. BRIAN: I find him attractive. ZACH: Dude, don't say every thought out loud. LANE: Can we re-take them? ZACH: Like thirty-seven dollars just grows on trees? BRIAN: You're being too hard on yourself. ZACH: Totally. Lame. We're not Maroon 5 or the Gee Whiz Slicky Boys. We don't want to look all fake. LANE: No, but halfway decent would be nice. ZACH: Lighten up. They work. CUSTOMER: Miss, some more coffee, please? LANE: At least she didn't say mister. ELDER GILMORE HOUSE - DINING ROOM [Richard and Emily are sitting opposite from each other, going through paperwork.] EMILY: The lease on my Mercedes is up next month. RICHARD: Do you want to buy it? EMILY: I finally have the seat setting where I like it. RICHARD [chuckling]: I'll make the arrangements tomorrow. EMILY: Thank you, Richard. RICHARD: Now, uh, we need to schedule work on the water heater. Um, I was wondering if Friday morning would work for you? EMILY: Let me look. RICHARD: They estimate the work to be about an hour, which means they'll be done in June. EMILY: Oh, no, I have a hair appointment Friday morning. RICHARD: For what? EMILY [smiling]: What do you mean for what? RICHARD: Your hair looks perfect to me. EMILY: Oh, now. RICHARD: Well, I can arrange for Robert to let the workman in and supervise it if that works for you. EMILY: Well, that would be fine. Thank you, Richard. RICHARD: You're welcome, Emily. What's next on the agenda? EMILY: The Modern Museum gala is coming up. RICHARD: Oh, yes. Martin Forman is being honored this year. EMILY: And Sugar Farthington is organizing it. RICHARD: Well, if Sugar's organizing it, then of course you should go. EMILY: Well, if Martin's being honored, then you should go. RICHARD: Sugar is one of your closest friends. EMILY: Martin is one of your most trusted colleagues. RICHARD: Well, then, perhaps we should both attend. EMILY: That does seem to be the sensible thing to do. RICHARD: All right. Then we'll both attend. EMILY [smiling]: Fine. RICHARD: Uh, so, have we discussed the water heater? EMILY: Yes, we have. RICHARD: Ah. More water? [Emily nods. Richard gets up to re-fill her glass.] YALE CAMPUS PUB [Rory is drinking coffee, waiting for Logan to arrive. Her table is piled with file folders. Logan pushes his way through a crowd.] LOGAN: Hey, Ace. RORY: Hi, Logan. I didn't see you there. Hey. Um, how are you? LOGAN: I'm good. RORY: Oh, good. Good. Okay, so good. Um, here they are. LOGAN: These are the notes for one story? RORY: Yeah, I'm kind of a note freak. LOGAN [sitting]: Man, Ace, I'm impressed and partially terrified. RORY: Okay. Well, I've divided them up into sections, so [pointing] interviews, research, statistics. I wasn't sure what you already had, but I figured there's something here that can help you with your story. LOGAN: I hope you're getting extra credit for this. RORY: Oh, it's nothing. LOGAN: Seems like a lot of work on your part, going through this stuff, organizing it for me. RORY: Well, I'm kind of an organization freak, too. LOGAN: Plus, I'm sure it wasn't your idea to give up your evening like this, to come here and meet me. Was it? RORY: Um, I'm just doing a little public service. That's all. LOGAN: Public service? RORY: Yes. Doyle looked like he was about to liquefy after your dad talked to him, so I chose to stop that from happening, for the sake of the janitorial staff. LOGAN: Yeah. He has a thing for by-lines, my father. RORY: Apparently he has plans for you. LOGAN: Yes. Isn't that thrilling. Sorry Doyle took the hit. My dad can be a real bully when he wants to be. RORY: He's a very interesting man. LOGAN: You met him? RORY: No, I've just... read about him. I mean, he's a big guy. LOGAN: Maybe you'll get to meet him someday. RORY [nods]: Oh, did I show you how I divided these up? Interviews, research, um - LOGAN: So how come I never see you around? RORY: I'm around. LOGAN: Yeah? Where? RORY: Class, coffee cart, the student's store when I run out of thumbtacks... LOGAN: Wow, thrilling life. RORY: I'm really not that boring. LOGAN: Oh, I know you're not boring. RORY: Oh, Doyle told me that your dad is throwing a party for Seymour Hersh? LOGAN: Ah, you want to talk about boring? RORY: How can meeting Seymour Hersh be boring? I love him. I read My Lai Four when I was twelve and I've been obsessed with him ever since. LOGAN: You read a book about the My Lai massacre when you were twelve? RORY: Well, I polished off Nancy Drew that year too. LOGAN: Well, I guarantee, these parties always turn into a bunch of drunks discussing stocks, cars and the latest friends to be indicted. It's boring. I just go, take a date so I have somebody to talk to, and bail as soon as my dad's back is turned. RORY: Oh, so you're going? LOGAN: Daddy says. RORY: Wow, lucky. LOGAN: No. RORY: To spend the evening with a great writer, and to get to meet him, hear him talk? Very, very lucky. LOGAN: You think so? RORY: Definitely. LOGAN: Well, maybe this time it won't be so bad after all. [A pause; Rory looks uncomfortable.] So, do you want to get something to drink or do you have to go? RORY: No, I don't have to go. I don't have anywhere to go. LOGAN: Okay. Be right back. [He gets up to go to the bar. Rory looks after him, excited.] LUKE'S DINER [Lorelai enters.] LORELAI: Hey, Lane. LANE: Hi, Lorelai. LORELAI: Hmm. You look different. LANE: I do? LORELAI: Yeah, you look cute. I mean, you always look cute, but this is just a new facet of your cuteness. LANE: Thanks. You look cute too. LORELAI: I have a boyfriend, so maybe this flirting thing we've got going on should just end here. LANE: Coffee to go? LORELAI: It's that special time of day. [We hear Luke getting frustrated in the back.] LORELAI: What was that? LANE: It's been like that for an hour. It's the damn oven. LORELAI: The damn oven? LUKE [OS]: Damn oven! LORELAI: What's up with the damn oven? LUKE: I bought this damn oven and the thermostat doesn't work! LORELAI: The damn thermostat or just the thermostat? LUKE: Are you being cute? LORELAI: Sorry, go on! LUKE: So I went and I got a new thermostat, and now I can't figure out how to replace the damn thing. LORELAI: So it is a damn thermostat. LUKE: I don't have time for this. LORELAI: Come on! You can do this. [Luke roars at it.] Step at a time here. You pulled the knob off each gas tap on the range, right? LUKE [OS]: Uh, yeah. So? LORELAI: Then you remove the four screws securing the face panel, then you remove the panel. LUKE [OS]: Yeah, I did that. LORELAI: Hmm. Then you disconnect the oven and gas supply pipe from the outlet of the thermostat? LUKE [OS]: This is where I got stuck. LORELAI [nodding]: Did you release the oven sensor retaining clips from the oven lining? LUKE [OS]: No. No, I didn't. [Pause] Okay! Got it! LORELAI: Now just pull the sensor out, you should be rolling now. LUKE [coming out from the kitchen, amazed]: So how, how? LORELAI: How what? LUKE: How do you know this? LORELAI: Well, I couldn't get to sleep the other night, you know, when we went to bed, and so I read your oven manual. LUKE: You're kidding. LORELAI: Well, it was either that or the broiler manual, and the oven won, 'cause it's shiny and pretty. LUKE: You never cease to amaze me. LORELAI: And I never will. Bye, Doll. [They kiss] And hey, leave the broiler manual out for me. I'm kind of into this whole kitchen appliance genre now, you know? "Kitch lit". LUKE: All right. [She exits as Zach is on his way in.] LORELAI: Hey there, Zach. ZACH: Howdy. LANE: Hi there. ZACH: Well, aren't we bouncy? [They kiss] LANE: I'm in a pretty good mood. ZACH: Why's that? LANE: I'm just feeling nice and light. ZACH [looks closely at her]: What's up with your face? LANE: Oh, what do you think is up with my face? ZACH: It looks all nude. LANE: For a good reason. ZACH: You're not wearing your glasses. LANE: That's right. ZACH: But you're blind without your glasses. LANE: The wonder of contacts. ZACH: Contacts? LANE: Contacts. ZACH: Why? LANE: Why? So I don't have to wear glasses. ZACH: So, like, for all the time? LANE: Yeah - you okay? ZACH: I guess. I mean, that's a pretty big thing to just spring on a guy. LANE: Why? ZACH: You don't look like you. LANE: Yes, I do. It's just me, my face, without being impeded by a foreign plastic object. ZACH: But you're the first smart girl I've ever gone out with, and the glasses are a big part of that. LANE: Well, my I.Q. is still the same. Contacts don't change that. ZACH: But you lose that initial impact. Now people will have to talk to you for a few minutes to figure out that you're smart. LANE: Well, then, that's what they'll have to do. ZACH: Okay. I'll try to get used to it. LANE: Yeah. And you will. CUSTOMER: I'm sorry, am I supposed to eat my soup without a spoon? ZACH: Of course she doesn't think that, okay? She's really smart, she's just not wearing her glasses! [He hands him a spoon.] RICHARD'S OFFICE [Richard is in a business meeting.] MAN #1: You should have heard him, Richard. RICHARD: Oh, I can imagine. MAN #1: They had him on speakerphone, and when Lori heard him screaming she ran in holding her shoe. She thought I was being attacked. RICHARD [chuckling]: Well, you're in good hands with that Lori. MAN #2: I wish I had a secretary who'd defend me with her shoe. RICHARD: Well, he may be mad now, but wait until we go to court. MAN #1: Well, maybe he'll settle. MAN #2: Oh, he'll never settle. RICHARD: Ah, he will, if we send Lori in with her shoe. MAN #2: Mmm. MAN #1: He's certainly got his lawyers working on this. RICHARD: Well, we're going to have to bring in outside counsel. It's going to get a little messy. Who's available? MAN #2: How about Maurice Newson? RICHARD: No. He over-colognes. MAN #1: Briar? MAN #2: No. Briar's on the Delfini case. MAN #1: Oh, yeah. RICHARD: What about Simon McLane? MAN #2: I don't think you really want Simon on this one, Richard. RICHARD: Why not? He's always done a top-notch job for us before. He's aggressive, he's not sloppy. He's very creative. MAN #1: Yes, but Richard - RICHARD: What? MAN #2: Well, we just assumed you wouldn't want to work that closely with Simon anymore, you know, since the whole thing with him and Emily? RICHARD [realization]: Ah. Yes. [He looks pained.] Well, what about Brandt? MAN #2: Brandt! MAN #1: Brandt. Mm-hm. Very good. MAN #2: Terrific. MAN #1: Brandt it is. DRAGONFLY INN - KITCHEN [Lorelai enters.] LORELAI: Well, apparently the whole padlock discussion was a big dud. I just got a call from Mrs. Berg. Cletus is standing in her wading pool. I need carrots. SOOKIE: Bottom shelf. LORELAI: Oh, I love it when I talk and no one listens. Makes me think of home. [Michel hurries in.] MICHEL: Okay. I just took the Andersons to room three, I opened the door and when I went inside I found that the bedspread was mussed! LORELAI: The bedspread was mussed! SOOKIE [gasps]: Call a cop! MICHEL: I checked that room personally after it had been cleaned. It was perfect! No muss! LORELAI: No fuss! MICHEL: Why are you joking? Why? Do you not care that people are sneaking into our rooms, mussing the beds, eating the food? LORELAI: Okay. I'm sorry. You're right. MICHEL: I know I'm right. I do not need you to tell me I'm right. LORELAI: Okay. So, what do we think is going on here? MICHEL: I believe that our employees are clandestinely using our rooms for sexual encounters on their coffee breaks. LORELAI: Come on. MICHEL: Lars and Celia seem awfully friendly lately. You don't notice them making goo-goo eyes? And Celia has put on weight. Perhaps one too many Toblerones. LORELAI: I don't think Lars and Celia are having an affair. SOOKIE: Hey, maybe we got a ghost. LORELAI: A ghost. That would be cool. People love haunted inns. SOOKIE: I wonder what kind of ghost we have. LORELAI: Maybe a Confederate Soldier. SOOKIE: Or a lonely spinster that never married. LORELAI: Or Patrick Swayze. SOOKIE: In search of his lost career. LORELAI: Maybe we have ghosts having s*x and then eating Toblerones. SOOKIE [giggles]: Ooh, hungry, horny ghosts. MICHEL: I am done with both of you. [He leaves.] LORELAI: I guess I should go up to room three, and see what's - Kirk! What are you doing here? KIRK: I'm assembling the bouquet garni. SOOKIE: I thought you hired him. LORELAI: I did not hire him. KIRK: I thought I might want to work on a kitchen staff someday, and I figured this was a good place to learn. LORELAI: Kirk, get out! KIRK: Can I at least finish my shift? SOOKIE: No! [Lorelai's cell phone rings. She walks into the hall to answer it. Scene cuts between Rory's common room and the Inn.] LORELAI: Hello. RORY: Hey. What's up? LORELAI: We have ghosts. RORY: Well, it's better than rats. Listen, I need a favor. LORELAI: From me? RORY: Yes, from you. LORELAI: Oh, well, let me get out my list. Okay, I'll write this favor down right under the one that says "Gave me life". RORY: Look. I may have a thing Friday which would mean that I have to get out of Friday night dinner. LORELAI: A thing? RORY: I was wondering if you could cover for me? LORELAI: What kind of a thing? A man thing? RORY: Possibly a man thing. LORELAI: Okay, spill. Who is he? RORY: I don't want to jinx it, okay? It's not a definite. When I know it's a go I promise I'll fill you in. Completely. LORELAI: I can't believe you're going to leave me alone with my parents just so you can have a social life. What happened to the good old days, with the spinster daughter taking care of the parents and living a lonely, sexless existence? RORY: So you'll cover for me? LORELAI: Yeah. RORY: Thank you. I'll call you later. LORELAI: Bye honey. [She hangs up.] MICHEL: Hey. I just asked Lars if he was seeing anyone special. He misunderstood and he might be filing one of those sexual harassment charges against me. And you, 'cause I said you made me. [Hey turns and rushes outside.] LORELAI: Hey, hey. Michel! Come back here! KIRK: I'll get him. LANE'S HOUSE [The band is practicing.] ZACH: Okay, guys, let's try it again and let's try not to suck. LANE: We'll get it. We just have to focus. BRIAN: By the way, your 'E' string is a little flat. ZACH: Which, by the way, makes it a little bit more rock and roll. Okay, are we ready? LANE: I'm down. ZACH: Eins, zwi, drei, vier... GIL: Hey, could you not do the countdown in German? It's depressing. ZACH: Fine. One, two, three, four. [They start. Lane notices a knocking at the door. They stop] ZACH: Who the hell is that? BRIAN: I hope it's not my girlfriend's husband. [giggles] ZACH: Oh, that's fresh! [Lane gets up to answer the knocking. She opens the door. Mrs. Kim stands there looking exasperated.] LANE: Mama. MRS. KIM: You couldn't even hear me over that noise. LANE: That noise is my passion, Mama, and you're keeping me from it. MRS. KIM: 'E' string was flat, too. LANE: What can we do for you? MRS. KIM: This year I am hosting Lunar New Year dinner. You are to come. LANE: Why? MRS. KIM: You are my daughter. Not coming is humiliation. LANE: Have we forgotten the incident at the newsstand? MRS. KIM: The what? LANE: You yelled at my boyfriend, in public, Mama! What's that, if it's not humiliation? MRS. KIM: That is in the past. LANE: Not for me. MRS. KIM: You must come to this. LANE: Oh, yeah? Well, only if I can bring my boyfriend. MRS. KIM: What? LANE: It's both of us or neither of us. Take it or leave it. MRS. KIM: I have only enough chairs for those invited. LANE: You sell chairs, Mama, you have eight hundred chairs. MRS. KIM: Fine. Bring boy. But if boy comes, I invite the Parks. They come. LANE: I hate the Parks. MRS. KIM: You shouldn't hate the Parks. LANE: You hate the Parks. They're mean. MRS. KIM: I get to hate the Parks. LANE: Fine. If the Parks come, how about if I bring my whole band? The whole noisy lot of us. How about that? Will that work? MRS. KIM: Yes. LANE: What? MRS. KIM: Bring them all! LANE: The whole band? MRS. KIM: Yes. See you then. LANE: Bu - [Mrs. Kim leaves. Lane goes back in the house.] LANE: We're all invited to a party. [They are all glaring at her.] [SCENE_BREAK] KIM'S ANTIQUES [Lane and the band arrive on the porch.] BRIAN: Are we early? I don't hear anything. LANE: That's the sound of a couple dozen Christian Koreans partying down. GIL: Trippy. BRIAN [sees the ornament hanging on the door]: Oh, cool. Bok jo ri. They're used to separate grains of rice from small stones. They symbolically catch happiness for the New Year. GIL: How do you know that? BRIAN: I've done a little internet research on Korean New Year. Surf the 'Net, there's a lot of information there. GIL: There's also a lot of pictures of girls with tattoos on motorcycles. You would think it gets old, but it doesn't. LANE [To Zach]: Sorry about this. ZACH: I feel like I'm going to the dentist. LANE: That's not an unusual thing to feel when approaching the Kim house. ZACH: I just hope I don't throw up in the bok jo ri. LANE: I've got your back, okay? You're not alone. GIL: Are you sure they're home? There's not a sound. LANE: I'm sure. Go ahead and knock. [Gil knocks.] Uh, Gil? The AC/DC ring. GIL: Right. Sorry. [Gil takes the ring off as Mrs. Kim opens the door.] MRS. KIM: Hello. LANE: Hello, Mama. I said we'd come and we've come. GIL: I'm Gil. [He puts out his hand to shake. Mrs. Kim looks at it.] MRS. KIM: Yes. LANE: And Mama, you know Brian. BRIAN: Say hay boke-mahn he pah du say oh. [Korean New Year's blessing] LANE: He likes the internet. MRS. KIM: And who's this half-boy hiding behind you? LANE: That's Zach, Mama. You've met him too. BRIAN [pouting]: Happy New Year, I guess. MRS. KIM: Yes. Come in. [They enter.] DOOSE'S MARKET - OUTSIDE [Lorelai is walking down the street when she sees Jackson pushing Davey in a stroller.] LORELAI: Well, lookie here, the fleet's in town. [She bends down to see Davey.] JACKSON: Yep. We're having a little Davey-Daddy night tonight. Just the men being manly. Want to punch me in the stomach? LORELAI: I'll pass on the punch. JACKSON: Listen, I was wondering if you could do me a favor. LORELAI: I don't want to pull your finger either. JACKSON: I know now is an important time for you guys. The inn's just getting off the ground. There's a lot of extra work. But if you could just encourage Sookie to ease up a little - delegate. LORELAI: Sookie, delegate? JACKSON: I know. But with the pregnancy and all? And I know her hours are generally pretty good. Most nights she's home by seven. It's just these new late nights that worry me. LORELAI: Late nights? JACKSON: I mean not worry me, worry me. I just don't want her to overdo it. LORELAI: Oh, sure. Sure. But, Jackson, I think Sookie left before me tonight. JACKSON: Oh, no. She called. She said the new kitchen help's a little slow. Whatever. I know she has to do it. It's just every week now. It's no big deal. Just see if you can say something. LORELAI: Oh. Okay, I'll see what I can do. JACKSON [to Davey]: Okay, son. I think it's time to get you laid. LORELAI: Oh, that's sweet. Bye, boys. [Jackson walks away with the stroller. Lorelai turns and walks the other way.] ELDER GILMORE HOUSE - FRONT DOOR [Emily exits the house, dressed for the party.] EMILY [Calling back into the house]: Gretchen, I can still smell the fish from here! [She closes the door. Richard meets her on the driveway.] EMILY: Well, funny running into you here. You look very nice. RICHARD [aloof]: Thank you. EMILY: Do you have the directions? I have an extra copy if you need it. RICHARD: I'm fine. Thank you. EMILY [puzzled at his formal manner]: All right. I guess I'll see you there. RICHARD: Seems inevitable, doesn't it? [Richard walks to his car. Emily watches him go, then gets into her car. They leave.] KIM'S ANTIQUES [Dining room. A large table is surrounded by Koreans eating quietly. A separate table at the end holds Lane and the boys.] GIL: Good eats. Slimy. BRIAN: I'm enjoying it. GIL: I like slimy food, 'cause it slides down easy, and I get the sense it keeps sliding, right? Which helps your colon and stuff, 'cause it scrapes as it slides, and since it's not in you long, you don't get fat, you know? ZACH: Just eat. LANE: You're not hungry? GIL: Slimy food doesn't float my boat like it does others. [He sets down his chopsticks and stands up.] I'll be right back. I have to go to the bathroom. [The small spectacled child sitting near to them pipes up.] KID: You're not allowed to leave the table. ZACH: Nature's calling, kid. KID [yells]: Nature must wait! [Everyone at the Korean table stares at Zach.] ZACH: How's about keeping it down, there, scooter? KID [still yelling]: Sit 'till we're done! [Zach sits.] ZACH [to Lane]: If I beat the crap out of this little kid, will anyone care? LANE: Mama locks the bathroom door while we eat, anyway. ZACH: Super. [Mrs. Kim stands up and addresses the group.] MRS. KIM: We are done eating. There will be a thirty minute break till dessert, while Mrs. Shin and her fellow musicians play for you in the other room. Mrs. Shin, better start setting up. [The musicians get up and start carrying their instruments into the other room.] GIL: Look at the funky guitar! Awesome! BRIAN: It's a Gayaguem. And if I'm not mistaken, I believe I spotted a Dahnso and a Janggoo on the way in. [Kyon looks over from the other table.] GIL: Man, I gotta check this out. [He starts to get up, then looks at the kid.] Can I get up? KID: Yes. [Gil nods and gets up.] ZACH: Yeah, he can get up? [The kid glares.] KYON: You have much knowledge of Korean culture. BRIAN [surprised]: Thanks. KYON: That was forward of me. I should retire to my room and sleep. BRIAN: No, don't do that. It's okay. [Kyon and Brian both smile shyly. Zach and Lane notice everyone looking at them.] YALE CAMPUS PUB [Rory and Logan are sitting together, laughing comfortably.] RORY: I can't believe you've never seen the Office! LOGAN: I feel very stupid. RORY: Well, you should. It's brilliant. Especially the fourth time you see it. LOGAN: What happens the fourth time you see it? RORY: You can actually understand what they're saying. I have them all on DVD. You can borrow them if you want, but only if promise to abide by the fourth time rule. LOGAN: I'll abide by your fourth time rule. If it's as good as you say, I'll raise you a fifth. RORY: Deal. LOGAN: Oh, here, I almost forgot your notes. [He lifts the pile of file folders out of his bag.] RORY: Oh, I hope they helped. LOGAN: They did. Some guy tried to mug me earlier and I beat him to death with them. RORY: Hey, I like my research. LOGAN: I like your research too, and thank you. RORY: It helped? LOGAN: Story's done, Doyle's safe, all is right with the world. RORY: You're welcome. LOGAN: So. RORY: So. LOGAN: It's been fun. RORY: Yeah. It has been. LOGAN: Okay, so I should get going. I'm headed to New York. RORY: Right. For your dad's party. LOGAN: Yep. So, have a good weekend. RORY: Oh, yeah. You too. Have a good weekend. LOGAN: And hey, don't be a stranger. [He pats her on the shoulder and leaves. She looks disappointed.] DRAGONFLY INN - LOBBY [Lorelai enters. Kirk is at the reception desk.] LORELAI: Hey, Kirk. KIRK: No messages. LORELAI: Super. [She heads up the stairs.] DRAGONFLY INN - UPSTAIRS [Lorelai comes around the corner. She listens at the door of one of the rooms. We hear the sound of a T.V. She quietly opens the door with her key. Sookie is sitting on the bed eating chocolate.] LORELAI: Oh, behold our ghost. SOOKIE: Okay, this isn't what it looks like. LORELAI: I don't know what it looks like. SOOKIE: I'm just watching T.V. LORELAI: Because we have the convenient channel list next to the bed? SOOKIE: No. Though it is convenient. LORELAI: Sookie, you want to tell me what's going on? You know, before Kirk changes into his maid's outfit and starts to clean the room? SOOKIE: A few weeks ago I read in the paper that there was going to be an episode of Dark Shadows on, the one where Barnabas is released from his tomb, and I used to love Dark Shadows, and I just suddenly really wanted to see it. LORELAI: Sure. SOOKIE: So, I didn't get off work in time to get home and see it, so I just came up here, and it was just supposed to be that one time, but the room was really nice, and I was really comfortable, and there were Toblerones, and I just had the best time. It was an hour all to myself, and the next week it was another good episode, and I just kinda - LORELAI: Decided to haunt the place. SOOKIE: I tried to clean up afterwards, and the bed was not mussed. Michel is too a**l for his own good. I'm horrible. LORELAI: You're not horrible. SOOKIE: I am. I'm the most horrible person in the world. LORELAI: Well, my mother will be sad to know she's been dethroned. SOOKIE: I'm lying to my husband. I'm eating the inn's candy! LORELAI: You can't discuss this with Jackson? Tell him you need one night a week to yourself to watch Dark Shadows? He wouldn't understand that? SOOKIE: Of course he would understand. That's the problem. Jackson would immediately tell me, "Sit down, relax, watch T.V" and he'll take care of Davey. LORELAI: Huh. Men are pigs. SOOKIE: And then I would sit there racked with guilt because he works all day too, and I would think about the fact that I'm shirking my motherly duties, and it would ruin everything. But here - LORELAI: I get it. SOOKIE: I'm sorry I didn't tell you. LORELAI: Oh, don't worry about it. I do think you should tell Jackson, though. He thinks I have you chained to the stove. He's worried you're working too hard. SOOKIE: I know. I'll go home right now and tell him. LORELAI: Okay. SOOKIE: Of course, it's the episode where Barnabas kidnaps Maggie. LORELAI: And imprisons her in a coffin in the mausoleum's secret room in punishment for disobeying him? SOOKIE: Yeah! LORELAI: Scoot over. SOOKIE [excited]: Really? LORELAI: Yep. SOOKIE: Ah, cool! [Lorelai sits on the bed with Sookie. Sookie offers her some chocolate] SOOKIE: Toblerone? LORELAI: Mmm. These rooms are nice. SOOKIE: Mm-hmm. THE GALA - VALET PARKING STALL [Emily drives up in her Mercedes. People are milling around the entrance. She calls after the valet, who appears to be busy with something else.] EMILY: Excuse me, I need a ticket! SIMON: Emily! EMILY: Simon! Well, this is a pleasant surprise! SIMON: Waiting for someone? EMILY: Yes, a mysterious man with an exotic accent and a red coat to give me a ticket for my car. SIMON: Ah. Well, I wish you a great deal of luck. EMILY: So, who are you here with? SIMON: My daughter and her husband. They're right over there. I'd love for you to meet them. [He waves at them.] Diana, come here for a second! [A car smashes into the Mercedes' rear.] EMILY: Oh! What on earth? [She gets out of the car. Richard gets out of the other car.] RICHARD: Emily. EMILY: Richard! Have you lost your mind? RICHARD: I misjudged the distance. EMILY: You misjudged the distance! You hit my car! RICHARD: I was distracted. SIMON: Emily, are you okay? RICHARD: I'm her husband, Simon. I'll ask her if she's okay. [To Emily] Are you okay? EMILY: I'm fine. RICHARD: She's fine, Simon. Are you happy? Now, go away. SIMON: Emily, maybe you should see a doctor. EMILY: No, I - RICHARD: We will determine whether she needs to see a doctor. This is a family matter. SIMON: I'll call you tomorrow and see how you are. RICHARD: She'll be fine, Simon. She doesn't need your call. [He walks threateningly toward Simon.] Do you hear me, Simon? Don't call. [Simon leaves. Richard grabs Emily by the arm.] EMILY: Were you bitten by some kind of rabid animal? RICHARD: Let's go. [To a valet] You! You! I'm taking her home. I'll come back for this car. EMILY: You're what? [He pulls her around to the passenger's side of his car.] RICHARD: You were just in a car accident, Emily. You can't go to a party after having been in an accident. Let's go. [He puts her in the car.] EMILY: What are you doing? [He gets in the driver's side.] RICHARD: Maybe we should take you to the hospital. EMILY: I think it's a toss-up who needs the trip to the hospital more. RICHARD: When you pull up to a valet stand, you get out of the car. You don't dawdle. EMILY: I was waiting for someone to take my car! RICHARD: Well, you wait outside the car! Everybody knows that. EMILY: It is not my fault that you ran into my car. RICHARD: I know you dated him. EMILY: What? RICHARD: Simon McLane! I know you dated Simon McLane! EMILY: Richard, I was just in an accident. Now is hardly the time to discuss this. RICHARD: Fine. I found out about it in a business meeting, which was hardly the time to find out about it, but fine. EMILY: It was dinner. RICHARD: Dinner. Of course. EMILY: Nothing happened. RICHARD: Of course nothing happened. EMILY: Stop it, Richard. I wouldn't say it if it wasn't true. RICHARD: Well, I told you that nothing happened between me and Pennilyn Lott. That all we did was have lunch. And I wouldn't have said that if that weren't true! EMILY: Well, then, there's nothing more to be said about these things. RICHARD: I agree. EMILY: People are staring, Richard. RICHARD: We're going. [He drives away.] KIM'S ANTIQUES [A group of Koreans are sitting on the floor playing traditional Korean music on their Korean instruments. Gil is playing the "funky guitar". The rest of them are standing around listening, nodding appreciatively. Lane and Zach are standing in the corner, bored.] LANE: Dessert is it. We wolf it down, we've done our duty, we're out of here. ZACH: I'm counting the seconds. [Mrs. Kim approaches.] MRS. KIM: Lane. LANE: Yes, Mama? MRS. KIM: I need your help in the kitchen. LANE: My help? MRS. KIM: Food got extra stuck to pots tonight. Need you to pound the hammer while Aunt Jun holds the chisel. Come. [Lane doesn't move.] Lane, come now. LANE: I'm watching the music, Mama. We're watching - my boyfriend and I. Maybe when it's done. MRS. KIM: Dirty plates don't wait for Gayageum. I ask you, you come. LANE: I'm here as a guest, and, by the way, I didn't hear you ask. I heard you demand. ZACH: Lane - MRS. KIM: Because you don't offer. As I taught you to. LANE: Here we go. MRS. KIM: Such insolence! ZACH: Lane - LANE: You don't get it, Mama. MRS. KIM: Oh, I get it. You're modern woman now. Too big to chisel crust off plates. Just standing there, grooving to Gayageum. LANE: Mama - MRS. KIM: You have values. Values I did not teach you. Spending time with boys - living with boys! Banging drums and playing noise in a rock band with boys! LANE: Mama - MRS. KIM: Paint in your fingernails, gel in your hair. So vain now, you no longer even wear your glasses! LANE: I've got contacts! I don't need them. MRS. KIM: You're not you without your glasses. ZACH: I agree. MRS. KIM: What? LANE: What? ZACH: It's just - your glasses. I liked your glasses. You should wear them. I'm just saying. MRS. KIM: She should wear them. She should always wear them. ZACH: I've said it before, but it's true. They made you look smart. MRS. KIM: Of course they made her look smart. She's a smart girl. Glasses fit her. ZACH: Totally. LANE: Zach - MRS. KIM: You always looked good in them. Glasses suit her face. ZACH: The black frames, especially with her hair - MRS. KIM: She wore them in the first grade. She first girl in her class. ZACH: And I bet she looked great. MRS. KIM: I have pictures in a photo book. I could show you. ZACH: I'd love to see them. LANE: Wait, Zach - MRS. KIM: Come. We chisel pots later. [She opens a drawer and pulls out a photo album. She points to a photo.] ZACH: Aw. [Camera goes back to the musicians. They finish a song.] GIL: Aw, yeah! Awesome! You guys rock. Do you know Inna Godda Davida? ELDER GILMORE'S HOUSE - FOYER [Richard and Emily enter.] RICHARD: I'll make arrangements to get your car to the shop tomorrow. EMILY: Thank you. RICHARD: You might want to re-think that lease, though. [Pause] Are you sure you're feeling all right? EMILY: I'm fine. [Richard takes a few steps forward, then stops.] RICHARD: I don't want to go back to the pool house. EMILY: Come home. [Richard turns to look at her.] ELDER GILMORE HOUSE - PATIO [Rory enters. Lorelai is coming from the pool house.] RORY: Hey. LORELAI: Hey. What are you doing here? RORY: Friday night dinner. Is it not Friday night dinner? LORELAI: No, I mean yes, but I thought you had a thing. RORY: Oh, well, it wasn't a for sure thing. LORELAI: You made it sound for sure. RORY: It was a maybe thing, and now it's a nothing. LORELAI: Oh, you look disappointed. RORY: I don't want to talk about it. LORELAI: Do you want to talk about it? RORY: No. LORELAI: Okay. Not even to tell me who the guy is? RORY: He's no one. Forget it. LORELAI: Okay. Well, the mystery of the Gilmore dinners continues. RORY: Meaning? LORELAI: The pool house is empty. RORY: Grandpa forgot about us again? LORELAI: Yes! Apparently all the complexes incurred in my childhood were not enough. They need to keep a'coming. RORY: Did you check on Grandma yet? LORELAI: I'm on my way there now. [Gasps] Is it Marty? RORY: Forget it, Mom. LORELAI: Okay. But is it? RORY: No! LORELAI [looking in the window]: Oh - oh! RORY: What are they doing together? [We can see Richard and Emily talking animatedly.] LORELAI: Are they arguing? RORY: No - well, I don't know, they don't look mad. LORELAI: Oh, great. I'm so not in referee mode tonight. RORY: Grandma just laughed. LORELAI: Eh, it could have been an evil laugh. A "I'm laughing at your pain" kind of laugh. RORY: Looked like a plain old laugh to me. LORELAI: Oh, Dad's picking up an ashtray. He's going to throw it at her! Finally. RORY: No! No, he's just moving it. LORELAI: I don't get it. What is going on? What are they doing? RORY: I don't - [They gasp in unison as Emily and Richard embrace.] RORY: Holy! LORELAI: Ah - oh my God. My parents are having an affair. [Richard and Emily break apart as they notice the girls outside.] LORELAI: Oh, careful, it might be a trap. RORY: What? LORELAI: I don't know. I'm freaking out. This does not compute, does not compute. [Richard opens the patio door.] RICHARD: Girls! Wonderful to see you. LORELAI: Hi. RICHARD: Come in, come in, come in. EMILY: Hi, you're just in time. LORELAI: For what? RICHARD: The celebration. [A maid enters carrying a tray.] Ah! Champagne. Perfect. RORY: What are we celebrating? RICHARD: Uh, should we tell them? EMILY: They're going to find out sooner or later. RICHARD: All right, then. Lorelai, Rory, your grandmother and I have reconciled. We are officially back together. RORY: Really? Oh my God! [She hugs them.] That's great! I'm so happy. LORELAI: When did this reconciliation happen? EMILY: Yesterday. RICHARD: And last night. And this morning. EMILY: Richard. LORELAI [scolding herself]: Don't ask questions. Don't ask questions. Don't ask questions! [The telephone rings.] EMILY: And next week your father and I are going to renew our wedding vows. RICHARD: A week from tomorrow, on our fortieth wedding anniversary. RORY: Aw! LORELAI: Wow. That's great! EMILY: And you're going to be my maid of honor. LORELAI: Uh, wha- [Robert enters.] ROBERT: Excuse me, Mr. Gilmore. Mr. Jeffries from the Windsor Club for you. RICHARD: Ah, yes. Thank you, Robert. [Robert exits.] Oh, by the way, I'm firing Robert next week. EMILY: You won't need him. RICHARD: No, I won't. [Answering the phone] Richard Gilmore here. [Pause] The Gold Room? Ah, yeah, would you hold on for a moment, please? Uh, Emily, they say they can free up the Gold Room. EMILY: How are we supposed to fit a twenty piece band in the Gold Room? No, we need the Rose Room. RICHARD: Right. [On the phone.] I'm afraid the Gold Room won't do. We need the Rose Room. [Pause] Well, perhaps they'd be willing to switch dates. We'd certainly be happy to make it worth their while. Of course, I'll hold. EMILY: Richard, we just have to get the Rose Room. RICHARD: Don't you worry, our company insures that building. We don't get that room, suddenly they have a very expensive foundation upgrade to go through. EMILY: I married a wonderful man, girls. RORY: Yes, you did. LORELAI: Hey, Mom, about this whole, um, maid of honor thing? EMILY: Oh, yes. Richard, can you spare us a moment? I want to take Lorelai upstairs. LORELAI: Why? RICHARD: Of course. LORELAI: Wha- why do you want to take me upstairs? EMILY: Wonderful, we'll be right back. [She pulls Lorelai up.] LORELAI: Why doesn't Rory have to go upstairs? RICHARD: I'll finish this phone call and then Rory and I will discuss the possibility of her being my best man. RORY: Really? I'm going to be your best man? LORELAI [afraid]: What's upstairs? [Emily succeeds in pushing Lorelai up the stairs.] UPSTAIRS [Lorelai walks into a room filled with wedding dresses. A voice comes out from behind them, somewhere.] CELINE [OS]: Ah, Emily. Wonderful timing. Please start with the Oscar de la Renta. Susan Hayworth never wore anything but de la Renta in her final days. Clark Gable never knew what he was missing. [laughs] He was a cad, but the crease in his pants was immaculate. [She emerges from the closet and gasps.] Oh, my God! It's Natalie Wood. LORELAI: Hello, Miss Celine. You look wonderful. CELINE: Olive oil on the inside and on the outside. Anna Manana taught me that. EMILY: I think this has too much lace, Celine. CELINE: Ah, there can't be too much lace, as long as it's Italian. What do you think, Natalie? EMILY: What do you think? LORELAI: Whatever you want, Mom. EMILY: Lorelai! You're my maid of honor. I need your opinion here. LORELAI: Well, I kind of like that one, or even the one next to it. EMILY: I'll try them both. [She takes them into the dressing room.] CELINE: You'll try them all. I had the worst row with Dietrich once. I told her, "Marlene, until you actually become a man you must try dresses on like a woman." And that means all of them. [Lorelai laughs politely.] CELINE: Are you married, Natalie? LORELAI: Oh, no, not yet. EMILY [OS]: Actually, Celine, she just opened her own business. She owns an inn now. CELINE: Hmm, an inn, how charming. [Lorelai begins perusing the dresses. Celine wanders over to an accessory box and pulls out some silicone bra implants.] CELINE: Emily, do you need breasts or are yours sufficing for the moment? EMILY [coming out wearing the lace-covered dress]: I'm fine for the moment, Celine. CELINE: Oh, my God, you're Mary Martin. Take it off immediately. EMILY: Oh, dear. LORELAI: Here, try this one on, Mom. EMILY [OS]: You know, I'm trying to decide whether to go with a hat or some sort of headpiece, or whether that's too much. CELINE: When I was dressing Marilyn for her wedding to Arthur Miller, I told her, I said, "Marilyn! Wear a flat hat on your head. It will remind him of a book." She didn't, and we all saw how that turned out. LORELAI: You wear whatever you want, Mom. EMILY: Celine, I'm going to need some help with this zipper. [As Celine helps her, Emily watches as Lorelai holds a dress up to herself and checks herself in the mirror.] CELINE: Oh, very elegant. Very nice, oh. There you go, Mrs. Oscar Lavant, love that. Here, try the Dior just for giggles, hmm? EMILY: All right. LUKE'S APARTMENT [Luke is lying in bed.] LUKE: I will never, under any circumstances, no matter how short a dress you put on, go back to Al's Pancake World ever, ever again. LORELAI [OS]: Aw, you didn't like your manicotti? LUKE: That was not manicotti, it was square and flat and blue. LORELAI [OS]: Yeah. Manicotti's rarely blue. [Lorelai comes out of the bathroom.] LUKE: You know, I've been thinking, uh, maybe I shouldn't go to this thing of your parents'. LORELAI: First Al's Pancake World, and now my parents vow renewal? LUKE: I'm serious. I'm not really their favorite person. They don't really want me there. LORELAI: Hey, I'm not their favorite person either, and I still have to go. LUKE: I know, it's just - it's going to be this big fancy thing with all their friends. And, you know, I just - LORELAI: Listen. My parents are very weird people. They don't hate you. They just don't know you. This is the perfect opportunity. They'll be happy. They'll be smashed. You show up, shake some hands, get in a few family pictures, and before you know it my mother will be trying to convince you you're too good for me. [Luke sighs.] Come on, it'll be fun. Good food. Open bar. I'm wearing a fabulous dress and as maid of honor, if you're not there, I'll have to get drunk and make out with the best man. Who is Rory. So you can see all the creepy ramifications of your absence here. LUKE: Okay. LORELAI: Okay? [Luke nods.] Okay. [She gasps, seeing the T.V.] Hey! You got a T.V.! LUKE: Oh. Yeah. LORELAI: Since when did you get a T.V.? LUKE: I just picked it up this morning. LORELAI: What about your REM sleep? LUKE: Hey, twice a week you're going to bed at 9:30 like a 72-year-old woman because I have early deliveries, so I figured the least I could do is make sure you don't miss your Charlie Rose or your Patrick Stewart - LORELAI: Jon Stewart. LUKE: And plus, I can sleep through anything. Once I'm out, I'm out. LORELAI: Oh, I know. LUKE: So, here. [He hands her the remote.] Enjoy. LORELAI [turning on the T.V.]: You are too good for me. LUKE: Well, maybe I'll meet a nice girl at your parent's wedding. [Lorelai glares as he turns off the light, then settles in to watch T.V.] CHRISTOPHER'S APARTMENT [Gigi is on the floor watching Teletubbies. Chris is working on a laptop. There is a knock at the door. Chris gets up to answer it.] CHRIS: Emily. Wow, this is a surprise. EMILY: May I come in? [She walks in.] CHRIS: Yes, please come in. I didn't even know you knew where I lived. EMILY: I know all kinds of things. [She looks around.] Obviously you have a maid. CHRIS: Yes, I have a maid-nanny combo. EMILY: Ah. How McDonald's of you. CHRIS: Uh, can I get you something? A tea, or coffee, or - EMILY: I'm fine, thank you. [She looks down at Gigi.] So, this is the child. CHRIS: Yes, this is Georgia. We call her Gigi. EMILY: And her mother's still gone? CHRIS: Yes. She's in Paris. EMILY: All right. I'll come straight to the point, Christopher. Now, I have known you a long time. I watched you grow up. You were a charming boy. A weak, but charming boy. And to be completely honest, I never thought much of you. I still don't. CHRIS: Wow. That's great of you to come by and share that with me. EMILY: However, you have good breeding. You come from an impeccable and you love Lorelai. You've always loved Lorelai. You would've married her when she got pregnant. I know that. And you would have married her if that girlfriend of yours hadn't gotten pregnant with this. [She gestures at Gigi.] I know that too. Lorelai's in a relationship now, did you know that? CHRIS: Yes, I know that. EMILY: He owns a diner. He's a divorcee. He's uneducated, he's not a proper stepfather for Rory and he's completely unsuitable for Lorelai. My daughter is stubborn, but she's capable of greatness. And watching her settle down with a man who could hold her back from that is unacceptable. You, at least, won't hold her back. CHRIS: Okay, Emily, I'm very confused by this speech of yours, and Gigi needs to be fed. EMILY: She's getting serious with this man. I've seen it with my own eyes. If you want a chance with Lorelai you had better do something. And you had better do something now. [She places an envelope on the table.] Timing has never been your strong point, Christopher. You should see if you can change that. Goodbye, Gigi. Enjoy your program. [She leaves. Chris picks up the envelope and opens it.] _________END__________

Rory offers to help Logan write an article for the Yale Daily, but she is disappointed when he doesn't invite her to be his date at a book signing party thrown by his father. When Richard sees Emily talking to a man she dated, he rear-ends her car, forcing her to ride home with him. The Gilmores reconcile and decide to renew their wedding vows. Emily warns Christopher that Lorelai and Luke are getting serious and he had better do something quickly if he hopes to end up with Lorelai.

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MUSIC IN: EXT. COUNTRY ROAD - NIGHT (CAR BRAKES TO A STOP) (JULIUS WALKS TO THE CAR) JULIUS: Hi. Is everything okay? WOMAN: Can you just call Triple A? My cell phone can't get a signal out here. JULIUS: What's the problem? WOMAN: I don't know. The car just stopped. JULIUS: Mind if I look under the hood? I'm a Lieutenant Commander in the Navy, stationed in Oceana. Just want to help, okay? (WOMAN GASPS) JULIUS: Relax. I was just getting my I.D. I'm a dentist, I don't carry a gun. (SFX: WINDOW LOWERS) WOMAN: I do. (MUSIC OUT) (THEME MUSIC UP OVER OPENING TITLE/SCENES/ CREDITS AND OUT) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. NCIS SQUAD ROOM - DAY KATE: (V.O.) It's my sister's number. I always use her as my emergency contact. (INTO PHONE) No, she lives in Miami. What difference does it make if she's local or not? Well, no. Of course... I could ... I could get a number of somebody in town. It's just that...I'll have to call them first to make sure it's all right. Fine, I'll call you back. (SFX: HANGS UP PHONE) TONY: I'll be your emergency contact. KATE: Thanks, I'll get somebody else. TONY: What's wrong with me? KATE: Where do I start? TONY: They never call. They just need a number. KATE: How do you do that? TONY: First team varsity, Ohio State. So what do you say? KATE: Fine. Just don't make a big deal out of it. TONY: Great! So what are my responsibilities? Are there any financial ramifications? Do I need to give blood if you get hurt? KATE: See? This is what I was talking about making a big deal out of it. TONY: (OVERLAP) Maybe I should go by your house and check out the floor plan. (SFX: DRAWER SHUTS) KATE: Oh, forget it! Forget it, okay?! I'll just um... I'll ask Abby. TONY: Suit yourself. ABBY: Whoa! Are you guys Libras? KATE: No. TONY: No. ABBY: They are so screwed this week! (ABBY WALKS O.S.) TONY: Why don't you ask Gibbs? KATE: Maybe I will. Why is he carrying two cups of coffee today? TONY: I don't know, and I don't want to know. But it probably has something to do with one of his ex-wives. (SFX: PHONE RINGS) GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) Gibbs. (HANGS UP PHONE) GIBBS: We have a possible execution-style murder of a Navy Lieutenant Commander in Grayson County. Let's call Ducky. TONY: You know I have call waiting. For emergencies. I don't think Gibbs even knows what call waiting is. [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. ROADSIDE - DAY GIBBS: Gibbs. NCIS. SHERIFF DUPRAY: Hello Gibbs, NCIS. You got a first name? GIBBS: Jethro. SHERIFF DUPRAY: Your parents had a sense of humor. Who's the rest of your posse? GIBBS: Special Agent Todd, DiNozzo. Our M.E., Doctor Mallard. SHERIFF DUPRAY: What can I do for you? GIBBS: I understand a Naval officer was killed here last night. SHERIFF DUPRAY: That's right. GIBBS: If it's all the same to you, Sheriff... SHERIFF DUPRAY: Charlie. GIBBS: ....since the victim was a Naval officer, we'd like to take over the investigation. SHERIFF DUPRAY: Well it isn't all the same to me, Jethro. The voters of Grayson County didn't elect me sheriff so I could cede jurisdiction to some out-of-towners - no matter how good looking one of them might be. GIBBS: We'll share jurisdiction. SHERIFF DUPRAY: A murder on a state road in my county? I don't think so. GIBBS: With all due respect, Sheriff... SHERIFF DUPRAY: Charlie. GIBBS: ...the forensic resources of NCIS dwarf those of Grayson County. SHERIFF DUPRAY: Well, I'll tell you what. I'll handle the local investigation; you can have custody of the physical evidence for forensic purposes and do the on-base investigation. But any prosecution will take place in Grayson County, everything runs through me, no exceptions, and I get full credit. It's an election year. GIBBS: What have you got? [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. GRASSY AREA - DAY SHERIFF DUPRAY: Looks like Commander Julius got a flat, pulled over to fix it, somebody came along, robbed him and killed him. No clothes, no wallet, no watch. We traced him through the car registration. GIBBS: Kate, photos. Tony, laser and sketch. DUCKY: This reminds me of the tale of the traveler who was beaten and left by the highway. SHERIFF DUPRAY: How so? DUCKY: Oh, a man from Samaria came by. Yes, he saw the poor fellow, picked him up, carried him in his arms to an inn. He bathed his wounds, bandaged him and left money to feed him. This was unusual because the Samarians were considered outcasts and of low moral fiber. Yeah, but from then on he's been known as the "good Samaritan." SHERIFF DUPRAY: Man you can talk. DUCKY: Perhaps over dinner? SHERIFF DUPRAY: You're cute. You've got no chance, but you're cute. DUCKY: Don't be too swift in your dismissal, Charlie. Destiny has brought us together. SHERIFF DUPRAY: You might want to check those tarot cards one more time. DUCKY: This Samaritan wasn't one of the good ones, was he, my friend? GIBBS: What have you got, Duck? DUCKY: Single gunshot to the back. One, two... oh, no exit wound. Based on the blood splatter, I'd say he was shot where he dropped. GIBBS: Shell casings? SHERIFF DUPRAY: None that we could find. We set up grids and went over each one using a metal detector. Found zip. DUCKY: That's odd. GIBBS: What? DUCKY: His hands were bound after he died. If they were tied before he was killed, it would've restricted circulation and the blood would have pooled and been unable to escape. GIBBS: Making his hands redder than the rest of his body. DUCKY: Precisely. GIBBS: Time of death? DUCKY: Oh, Jethro, you've really got to have some patience. (DUCKY AND GIBBS WALK O.S.) SHERIFF DUPRAY: What's his story? KATE: What do you mean? SHERIFF DUPRAY: Well is he single, available? KATE: Uh, he's single. As far as available, I wouldn't know. (SHERIFF DUPRAY WALKS TO THE CAR) SHERIFF DUPRAY: I saw a car with its trunk up so I pulled over. Didn't know I'd be rolling into a crime scene. What's that cologne you're wearing? GIBBS: Not wearing any. SHERIFF DUPRAY: Oh, that's me. New perfume. You like? GIBBS: Got a tow truck we can borrow? SHERIFF DUPRAY: Sure, doll. (SHERIFF DUPRAY WALKS O.S.) GIBBS: Don't say it, DiNozzo. TONY: I wasn't going to say anything. GIBBS: Don't think it. TONY: Too late. (PASSAGE OF TIME) GIBBS: When we get to Oceana, I want you to search Julius' apartment. TONY: What are we looking for? GIBBS: Motive to kill him. KATE: You don't think it was a crime of opportunity? GIBBS: His hands were tied behind his back after he was killed. KATE: Well maybe it was part of the killer's ritual. GIBBS: Kate, that's why we're going to Oceana. SHERIFF DUPRAY: Jethro! I need to know how to get hold of you. GIBBS: The number's on the card I gave you. SHERIFF DUPRAY: What about after hours? GIBBS: Uh... they can find me. SHERIFF DUPRAY: Is this NCIS's idea of cooperation? [SCENE_BREAK] INT. AUTOPSY ROOM - DAY DUCKY: Based on the width and edges of the entry wound and the absence of an exit wound... I'd say you were killed by a hollow point bullet. Oh, Gerald, it's a conundrum. GERALD: What's that? DUCKY: How a society can develop cures for all sorts of diseases can be the same society that develops a bullet that does this kind of damage. Do you know why they call them dum-dum bullets? GERALD: Uh... no. DUCKY: In the late eighteen nineties, the British military developed them in India at the Dum-Dum arsenal. Yes, their use in warfare was banned at the first international peace conference in eighteen ninety nine and the Hague. GERALD: I actually find that interesting. DUCKY: As opposed to what? [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. MEDICAL CLINIC - DAY (DOOR OPENS) GREEN: How did he die? GIBBS: He was shot in the back. Any idea what he was doing out there? GREEN: His sister lives in Kentucky. He might have been on his way home from a visit. GIBBS: How long had he been stationed here? GREEN: About five years. Been with the Navy almost fifteen years. It was his life. GIBBS: Never married? GREEN: Well, if he was it was before he arrived here. GIBBS: How well did you know him? GREEN: Not very. GIBBS: You're his Commanding Officer. GREEN: Commander Julius was a bit of an odd duck, if you know what I mean. GIBBS: I don't. GREEN: He was a competent dentist, but he wasn't one of the boys. GIBBS: Didn't like to go out and hoist a few, huh? GREEN: Exactly. He would rather sit in front of a computer screen surfing for collectibles. GIBBS: What kind? GREEN: I don't know. I could ask around. GIBBS: Know anybody who had a grudge against him? [SCENE_BREAK] INT. JULIUS' APARTMENT - DAY (DOOR OPENS) KATE: I wonder who Commander Julius' decorator was. TONY: Siegfried and Roy? (MUSIC OVER ACTION/TONY AND KATE LOOK AROUND THE ROOM) TONY: Oh, yeah. Nice gear. Hey, what do you think of this? (READS SLOWLY) Igottoomany.... KATE: I got too many. TONY: Oh, yeah. Thanks. What do you think that means? KATE: I have no idea. (TONY WALKS TO THE BEDROOM) (DOOR OPENS) TONY: (V.O.) Kate, he got too many. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. BEDROOM - DAY KATE: He collects lunch boxes? TONY: They're collectibles. KATE: Yeah, but they're lunch boxes. TONY: Well, so he has an unusual hobby. My grandfather collected buttons. He always said, "Anybody can collect coins or stamps. But buttons..." Oh! Magnum P.I. lunchbox! Mag PI. I love Magnum P.I. I had one of these in elementary school. Tom Selleck was the man! KATE: Are they valuable? TONY: Probably. Why? KATE: Could be a motive. TONY: Ah. Lunchbox deal gone bad? KATE: People have killed for a lot less. TONY: I think I may know what those numbers were on the computer post-it. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY KATE: What is this going to tell us? TONY: He buys and sells lunch boxes on E-bay. We can check his feedback rating, and see if anyone has a beef with him. Haven't you every bought anything on E-bay before? KATE: Have you? TONY: Just some buttons for my cousin Petey. Hundred percent. So much for a lunchbox motive. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. SQUAD ROOM - NIGHT KATE: Somebody's popular. TONY: Not me. Clerk screwed up again. And they seem to be from Sheriff Dupray. KATE: Thought you gave her your cell. GIBBS: Guess I forgot to turn it on. TONY: What does she want? GIBBS: She wants to video conference. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. MTAC ROOM - DAY GIBBS: What can I do for you, Sheriff?(BEGIN TELEPHONE CONVERSATION) SHERIFF DUPRAY: (ON SCREEN) Jethro, if you're not going to call me Charlie, we're going to have a difficult time working together. GIBBS: Okay, Charlie. SHERIFF DUPRAY: (ON SCREEN) There was a murder two counties over, very similar to Commander Julius. In fact, almost exactly the same. GIBBS: How so? SHERIFF DUPRAY: (ON SCREEN) The victim was found off the side of a country road, nude, bound, one gunshot in the back, no shell casings found. GIBBS: Who was the victim? SHERIFF DUPRAY: (ON SCREEN) A David Truly. He wasn't in the Navy, but he was a civilian employee at Naval Air Station Oceana. I think we've got a serial killer on our hands. (MUSIC UP AND OUT) MUSIC IN: INT. MTAC ROOM - DAY TONY: This reminds me of a case I worked once. Guy hated mailmen. KATE: Letter carrier. TONY: What? KATE: They're called letter carriers, not mailmen. TONY: Since when? KATE: I don't think there was a specific date, Tony. It just kind of evolved. GIBBS: Is this case in any way relevant to our case? [SCENE_BREAK] INT. STAIR CASE - DAY GIBBS: If the Sheriff is right, we need to figure out how the killer is choosing his targets. KATE: How does he know the cars that stop are going to be Navy connected? GIBBS: Maybe he doesn't. Maybe if someone pulls over who's not Navy, he just waves them on. TONY: Lot of east-west highways in Southern Virginia head towards Virginia Beach. It makes sense a lot of people on them will be Navy. GIBBS: Get a hold of Truly's personnel records. See if there's any connection between him and Commander Julius. And check Julius' C.O. TONY: On it. KATE: I know. You're going to ask me to call the LEOs in the other county and have them ship over the evidence. GIBBS: I wasn't going to ask. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. AUTOPSY ROOM - DAY DUCKY: Yeah, the bullet entered the back through the left intercostal space, between the third and fourth ribs. The trajectory was from left to right, indicating that the shooter fired from the left. Would you weigh what's left of the liver for me, please, Gerald? GERALD: No problem, Doc. GIBBS: Anything unusual? DUCKY: Ah, it's rather straight forward, actually. GIBBS: That's unusual. DUCKY: Well, the bullet took a fairly circuitous route through Commander Julius after it entered. GIBBS: Usable for ballistics? DUCKY: Ah, it's difficult to say. The bullet was a nine millimeter hollow point, sustained some fragmentation. I sent it up to Abby. GIBBS: Cause of death? DUCKY: Gunshot wound to the back. GIBBS: You can't be much more straight forward than that, Duck. DUCKY: Well, he bled out. The bullet was a particularly nasty form of hollow point. When it expanded on impact, it's copper jacket peeled back to form six sharp claws, one of which nicked his aorta. Excuse me. GIBBS: Even if he made it to a hospital, Duck, he didn't have a chance. DUCKY: Yeah, well it wasn't an execution-type slaying...not that it makes any difference to Commander Julius. But the GSR pattern indicated he was shot from a distance of three to five feet. GIBBS: The killer tied Julius' hands postmortem. Did he do anything else? DUCKY: Well, there is no sign of sexual abuse if that's what you're asking. I did find traces of a powdery substance on his wrist. (DUCKY BLOWS HIS NOSE) GIBBS: Drugs? DUCKY: No. I doubt it. Abby's analyzing it now. I suspect it'll turn out to be corn starch. GIBBS: Used as a lubricant for latex gloves. DUCKY: There is actually quite a controversy about the use of powder as a donning agent in gloves. GIBBS: You know, I read that one, Doc. That's why there are no prints. Thank you. (GIBBS WALKS O.S.) DUCKY: Well, you'll find this interesting, Gerald. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. NCIS GARAGE - DAY (SFX: AIR HOSE HISSES B.G.) GIBBS: Find anything, Abby? ABBY: This is the left rear tire off Commander Julius' car. Notice anything unusual? GIBBS: It's inflated? ABBY: Is that a guess? Or do you actually know where I'm going with this. GIBBS: What do you think? ABBY: Well, I don't know. That's why I asked you. GIBBS: Why don't you just tell me? ABBY: So you don't know. GIBBS: I want to make sure you know. ABBY: Hmm. GIBBS: Hmm. ABBY: We should play poker some time. GIBBS: Yeah, we should. ABBY: According to Sheriff Dupray's report, when she got to the scene the tire was flat. But I had no problem filling it. GIBBS: Sure it's not a slow leak? ABBY: This is the second time I've filled it. And the first time I had it submerged in water. There were no bubbles. There was nothing wrong with this tire. GIBBS: Somebody let the air out to make it look flat. ABBY: The killer went to a lot of trouble to make a crime scene look like something else. GIBBS: Any luck with the tire track? ABBY: That depends on your definition of luck. GIBBS: You're particularly feisty today. ABBY: Thanks for noticing. I ran the track through the tread assistant database. The CD-Rom has over ten thousand tire tracks for comparison. It's great for parties. On top is the partial we cast at the scene. GIBBS: You matched them. ABBY: I did. Here's the bad news. This particular brand is like the prom queen of tires. It's very cool. It fits all kinds of mid-size cars and SUVs. I hate getting behind SUVs. You can't see anything. GIBBS: Do you have a list of the models that use that tire? ABBY: It's in your email. And I included the tire distributors in the Virginia Beach area that sell that brand. So Julius' prints are all over the car as you would expect. I did find some unidentified prints on the hood. GIBBS: Did you run them through....? ABBY: (OVERLAP) Run them through AFIS? GIBBS: Feisty and psychic. ABBY: It's a killer combination. I didn't get any hits on the prints. The interior is clean - there's no blood, there's no bodily fluid. But I did find something peculiar on the trunk lock. GIBBS: Corn starch. ABBY: Ducky. Hmm. There's just no way that this was a crime of opportunity. Whoever pulled it off put a lot of thought into it. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. SQUAD ROOM - DAY KATE: Ah! I called the county clerk's office to see about getting the records sent over and I get a recording. TONY: Really? KATE: And the recording tells me to call another number, which I do, which gives me another recording that directs me to dial the first number that I called. TONY: Look on the bright side. KATE: What bright side? TONY: That's just an expression. (DOORS SLIDE OPEN/CLOSE) KATE: Big mistake turning off the cell. TONY: Ah, Charlie. I almost didn't recognize you. SHERIFF DUPRAY: Like getting out of that uniform. Evidence from the other murder. Special delivery. KATE: Wow! We never get this kind of cooperation! SHERIFF DUPRAY: It's not a problem. Where's Jethro? GIBBS: Right here. SHERIFF DUPRAY: Surprised to see me? GIBBS: Oh, yeah. Yeah. Surprised is one word that does come to mind. SHERIFF DUPRAY: Case files and photos from the Halifax County murder. GIBBS: I appreciate that. SHERIFF DUPRAY: Jethro, I think you owe me a dinner. GIBBS: Have you always been so shy? SHERIFF DUPRAY: Well, Jethro, there are two kinds of people in this world. The ones who go after what they want, and everybody else. Where are we going? GIBBS: The cafeteria. (GIBBS AND DUPRAY WALK O.S.) (PASSAGE OF TIME) (DOORS SLIDE OPEN) GIBBS: Do you have something to say? KATE AND TONY: No. GIBBS: What do we got here? KATE: Well, these photos are almost carbon copies of the ones I took in Grayson County. Charlie put together a profile of the killer. TONY: White male, age twenty five to thirty four, of at least average intelligence, possibly a military background. KATE: Also makes reference to a sub-type of serial killer, the mission-oriented type. He seeks out a specific group that he believes the world would better without. GIBBS: Doesn't narrow it down much. KATE: They also recovered a slug. Nine millimeter hollow point. GIBBS: What's the condition? KATE: It's too damaged to try and match. GIBBS: Does it say anything in there about the bullet having six sharp claws? KATE: No, but they don't have access to the equipment that we do. Abby might have better luck. TONY: Here's something you don't read everyday. One of the patrolmen noticed a wet patch of ground. Someone took a whiz on the side of the road. GIBBS: While they were waiting for the car to come along. TONY: They dug up the whole patch, sealed it, tagged it and sent it for DNA analysis. GIBBS: And? TONY: Hasn't been tested yet because of the backlog at the state lab. GIBBS: Get them to send it to Abby. And remember, two killings don't make a serial killer. [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. ROAD - NIGHT (MUSIC OVER ACTION/BODY FALLS TO THE GROUND) (PASSAGE OF TIME) TONY: Z-four. Nice. Three point oh liter, two hundred and twenty five horse power, dual overhead cam. Twenty four valve in line, six cylinder engine, double-VANOS variable A-valve timing. Oh, I love cars! KATE: There's no flat. All the other victims' cars had flat tires. TONY: It wouldn't matter. She's got run-flat tires. They come standard. GIBBS: Hey Charlie. Thanks for the call. SHERIFF DUPRAY: My pleasure, Jethro. GIBBS: What do we got here? SHERIFF DUPRAY: A motorist called nine one one. Said they saw a car pulled off the side of the road with the emergency flashers on. They sent a patrolman. This is what he found. GIBBS: Victim been I.D.ed? SHERIFF DUPRAY: Lieutenant James Seeger. Aviator at Oceana. KATE: Sure looks like the work of our guy. DUCKY: Well, I beg to differ, Kate. This young man was killed between two and three yesterday afternoon. The body has double lividity. The blood settles twice. GIBBS: He was killed someplace else and dumped here. DUCKY: Precisely. TONY: Copycat? DUCKY: Well, the details have all been in the press. They match in almost every respect. It's nearly impossible to come to any other conclusion. KATE: That means we have two killers on the loose. (MUSIC UP AND OUT) [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. FIELD - DAY DUCKY: ...three. GIBBS: I think we're looking for a woman. TONY: Female serial killer goes against the odds. But not unheard of. SHERIFF DUPRAY: What's your thinking, doll? GIBBS: Most men prefer hands-on killing.... strangulation, stabbing. Women prefer hands-off killing. KATE: Like these. GIBBS: Women are meticulous about leaving the crime scene free of material evidence. SHERIFF DUPRAY: Which would account for why we found no shell casings or fingerprints. GIBBS: What would cause a man to pull over on a dark road at night? KATE: Damsel in distress. GIBBS: Exactly. SHERIFF DUPRAY: Handsome and smart. GIBBS: I think our answer is in Oceana. Go through base records for any disgruntled civilian employees, dishonorable discharges, anybody with a chip on their shoulder. KATE: What are you going to do? GIBBS: I'm going to talk to Lieutenant Seeger's RIO. KATE: Can I ask you a question, Gibbs? GIBBS: Is this one of those questions where it's not going to matter if I say no? KATE: I was just wondering if there was any rhyme or reason behind how you divide up assignments. GIBBS: Yeah. [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. NAVAL AIR STATION - DAY WALLACE: Jimmy liked to take his Z-Four up to the Blue Ridge Parkway, drop the top, crank up some country tunes, and just whoppin' it out. GIBBS: Something funny about that? WALLACE: I hate country music. We were always arguing about that. Sometimes he'd take his Fatboy up there. GIBBS: His what? WALLACE: His Harley. That was Jimmy, you know. Fast cars, fast jets... GIBBS: The need for speed. WALLACE: Exactly. He had a bad boy vibe. That was part of his appeal. GIBBS: When was the last time you saw him? WALLACE: Two days ago. We were doing night F.C.L.P. GIBBS: Yeah, I read his service records. His fit-reps were all outstanding. WALLACE: He was a helluva pilot. GIBBS: Do you know anybody who would want to kill him? WALLACE: His wife. GIBBS: Do you want to take a minute to think about that? WALLACE: Don't need to. GIBBS: Any specific reason? WALLACE: There's a laundry list. At the top, they're going through a particularly nasty divorce. I guess I should say they were going through a divorce. GIBBS: How nasty was it? WALLACE: Mutual restraining orders, yelling and screaming, each one accusing the other of cheating. GIBBS: Any truth to that? WALLACE: I can't speak for Laura. Jimmy was a man's man. He loved the ladies and the ladies loved him. But I never saw him cross the line, and I think he would've told me if he did. GIBBS: Because he told you everything. WALLACE: And I told him everything. When you trust your life to someone, literally, you usually don't keep any secrets. GIBBS: Normally, when someone kills their spouse, there's a financial upside. Jimmy have a second job? WALLACE: No. He had a very successful grandfather. He was the original U.S. importer of Swiss Army Knives. Made some serious coin. GIBBS: Jimmy was the beneficiary? WALLACE: Along with his brother and sisters. GIBBS: How well did you know the wife? WALLACE: Well enough to know she's crazy. GIBBS: How crazy? WALLACE: She hired a Haitian priest to put a curse on Jimmy. GIBBS: When was the last time Jimmy saw her? WALLACE: About a month ago, I think. They did most of their talking through lawyers. You know that song, "Thin Line Between Love and Hate?" GIBBS: Nope. WALLACE: Doesn't matter, the title kind of says it all. Whoever wrote that had Jimmy and Laura in mind. [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. SEEGER HOUSE - DAY (KNOCK ON DOOR) (SFX: DOG BARKS B.G.) (DOOR OPENS) GIBBS: Laura Seeger? LAURA: That's me. GIBBS: NCIS. Special Agent Jethro Gibbs. Special Agent Katelyn Todd. Do you have a minute? LAURA: Sure. Come on in. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY LAURA: His death hit me hard. Much harder than I imagined. GIBBS: Given the tone of your divorce proceeding, I would guess much harder than anyone imagined. LAURA: I may not have been in love with Timmy anymore, but I still loved him. GIBBS: Is that why you hired a Haitian priest to put a curse on him? LAURA: I see you've been talking to Lieutenant Wallace. KATE: Is it true? LAURA: I told him that but it wasn't true. GIBBS: Why tell him that then? LAURA: Jimmy's lawyers were playing hardball. It was gamesmanship on my part. KATE: When you were together, did you get along? LAURA: (LAUGHINGLY) We fought like cats and dogs from day one. It was part of the appeal. There was always a certain energy, a certain juice between us. KATE: What went wrong? LAURA: We grew apart. I know it sounds like a clich , but that's what happened. It got to a point where Jimmy would rather spend time out back in his woodshop than with me. GIBBS: Did anyone else fill the void? LAURA: If you're asking me if I had an affair, the answer is no. Can we cut to the chase? GIBBS: Yeah. By all means. LAURA: I've read enough books, watched enough T.V. to know that when a husband is killed under suspicious circumstances, the wife is the first suspect. So please don't feel like you need to beat around the bush. Ask me what you came to ask me. I have nothing to hide. GIBBS: Did you kill your husband? LAURA: No, I didn't. KATE: Where were you yesterday afternoon? LAURA: Oh, I had a half dozen errands to run; dry cleaners, bank, supermarket, hardware store. I can give you a list with the approximate times. GIBBS: Would you be willing to give us a DNA sample? LAURA: Absolutely. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. AUTOPSY ROOM - DAY DUCKY: I thought I was going mad. The two autopsies were nearly identical. It was d ja vu all over again. TONY: Hey, that's a Yogi Berra quote. KATE: The cartoon character? TONY: Not Yogi Bear, Yogi Berra. KATE: Well, judging by your reaction, he's either a sports person or a bouncer at a strip club. TONY: Gentlemen's club. GIBBS: This autopsy give us anything the other one didn't? DUCKY: Uh...the bullet was in better shape. And I noticed something peculiar in his nose so I did a swab. GIBBS: A swab, Duck? Kind of old school, isn't it? DUCKY: Oh, I just go where the evidence takes me. I recall a case in my early career, before we had the benefit of all this marvelous technology. A young man, barely twenty years old, he had jelly from a donut on his face... GIBBS: Ducky? DUCKY: Yes? GIBBS: What did you find in his nose? DUCKY: Uh... cellulosic fiber, lignin... GIBBS: Wood. DUCKY: Well, sawdust to be precise. TONY: Hey boss, don't you have some kind of weird thing about women and sawdust? I don't think it's weird. DUCKY: Laura Seeger said that her husband had a wood shop out back. GIBBS: Yeah, well she also said he hadn't used it in a month. I mean, it wouldn't still be there in his nose after a month, would it, Ducky? DUCKY: No, that was recent. TONY: Well, he could've been woodworking somewhere else. GIBBS: Yeah, he could've. DUCKY: Something else showed up on the swab. A dog's hair. KATE: Laura Seeger had two dogs in the back. But she seems to have a solid alibi. GIBBS: One of her errands was to the bank. Charlie could get us the surveillance tapes. They'd all be timed stamped. KATE: Yeah, but if she was guilty, why would she just offer up her DNA so freely? GIBBS: Because she didn't know we had something to match it to. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. BALLISTICS LAB - DAY (ABBY SHOUTS) ABBY: Oh, Gibbs! Didn't your momma teach you not to sneak up on people? GIBBS: Obviously not. ABBY: An ex-boyfriend snuck up on me once, and he was walking funny for a week. Or should I say, funnier. GIBBS: What do you got for me, Ab? ABBY: If it's what I think it is, something is going to rock your world. GIBBS: Well, don't keep me in suspense. ABBY: I just need a minute and... ha! GIBBS: That's a match. ABBY: That's right. Ranger Talon. GIBBS: This was supposed to rock my world? ABBY: Pay attention, class. The left bullet Ducky pulled from Commander Wade Julius. The right bullet was recovered not from David Truly, the victim from two counties over, but from victim number three, Lieutenant Seeger. Now would anyone like to tell the class what this means? [SCENE_BREAK] INT. NCIS SQUAD ROOM - DAY TONY: There wasn't a copycat murder? GIBBS: No. All three were committed by the same person. ABBY: We matched the bullets from Julius to Seeger. TONY: Wait, that doesn't make any sense. Why was Seeger killed somewhere else and then dumped if he wasn't a copycat? KATE: Do you think Laura Seeger could have randomly killed two people to make it look like a serial killer in order to cover up killing her husband? GIBBS: Yeah. Two. Or three. KATE: You think she'd kill again to keep up the serial killer ruse? GIBBS: Yeah, sure. ABBY: That's so cold. TONY: Ice cold. GIBBS: How are we doing on the DNA sample? ABBY: I just got it two hours ago. GIBBS: And? ABBY: And you can't rush science, Gibbs. You can yell at it and scream at it, but you can't rush it. GIBBS: How long until you have something, Abby? ABBY: Bare minimum - eighteen hours. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. SQUAD ROOM - DAY SHERIFF DUPRAY: All right, let's get this party started. They had two different cameras in the main lobby. I figured you might be able to doctor one, but not both. GIBBS: Have you looked at 'em? SHERIFF DUPRAY: I can't watch movies alone. I stopped by Blockbuster in case those are boring. Got "Sleepless in Seattle." GIBBS: Well, let's see if Laura Seeger's alibi holds up. Yep --(VIDEO PLAYS) SHERIFF DUPRAY: Is that her? GIBBS: Yep. SHERIFF DUPRAY: I don't like her shoes. GIBBS: Two thirty three, p.m. KATE: Ducky said the time of death was what, between two and three? GIBBS: She's in the bank right in the middle of it. It's exactly when she says she was there. SHERIFF DUPRAY: Guess that means she's got an alibi. She couldn't have gotten from the bank to the murder site that quickly. No way she could be our killer. (MUSIC UP AND OUT) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. SQUAD ROOM - DAY KATE: Obviously, Laura Seeger couldn't have done it. TONY: Two different angles, both of them lock. She entered the bank at two thirty three p.m. She left at two forty p.m. GIBBS: Only one thing we can do. Go over everything again from the beginning. SHERIFF DUPRAY: Like my daddy always said, every path has its puddles. GIBBS: Do you know what kind of video system the bank uses? SHERIFF DUPRAY: No, why? GIBBS: Because if it's a central system, all the time stamps would be the same. You'd just have to change one. KATE: You think she had somebody inside the bank? GIBBS: How hard is it for an attractive woman to get a guy to do what she wants? KATE: Oh, that's easy! SHERIFF DUPRAY: (OVERLAP) Oh, it happens everyday! TONY: Wait... that was a rhetorical question. GIBBS: Charlie, can you check out the bank for me? SHERIFF DUPRAY: Yeah, Sir. GIBBS: We also need to re-verify all the stops she made when she was running her errands. SHERIFF DUPRAY: Now that one's going to cost you. GIBBS: We need to find the murder weapon and tie it to Seeger. TONY: Yeah. I checked the federal registry, I checked gun purchase records in the surrounding five states. GIBBS: Well then check ten! Get me a sales receipt on the ammo. Ranger Talon is an uncommon bullet. KATE: I'll do a full background on her. GIBBS: Start with her parents and work forward until today. (BEAT) What are you waiting for? SHERIFF DUPRAY: You finished with these tapes? GIBBS: I want to show them to Abby, see if the shadows are consistent with the time stamps. SHERIFF DUPRAY: I'll tell ya, Jethro, I'd hate to be on the wrong side of the law with you. [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. SEEGER HOUSE - DAY (KNOCK ON DOOR) (DOOR OPENS) LAURA: Special Agent Gibbs. This must be the follow-up visit where you have a few more questions. GIBBS: Can I come in? LAURA: Of course. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY (DOOR CLOSES) GIBBS: We ran down all your errands. LAURA: Any problems? GIBBS: Nope. No, in fact, if anything it was a little too neat. LAURA: Look around. It's pretty spotless, huh? One of my qualities, for better or worse, is that I'm very organized. Of course, Jimmy had another word for it. GIBBS: Oh, I'm sure he did. LAURA: It would make him mental. Jimmy was the kind of guy who would walk into a room, drop whatever he was carrying, and then leave a trail of clothes leading to the kitchen. GIBBS: Is that one of the things you fought about? LAURA: It's one of the many. GIBBS: We did an autopsy on your husband. LAURA: I assume that's standard. GIBBS: Mm-hmm. Yeah, it is. What we found wasn't. LAURA: Do you want me to guess? GIBBS: We found something unusual in his nose. We did a swab. We found two things: sawdust and dog hair. LAURA: Okay. GIBBS: You have a wood shop out back, right? LAURA: Yeah, I told you that. GIBBS: And from the sound of it a dog or two? LAURA: Oh! You think Jimmy was here recently, even though I told you he hadn't been here in a month. GIBBS: You can see why. LAURA: I can. (BEAT) How did I do? GIBBS: What do you mean? LAURA: You obviously told me that to see my reaction. Look, as I said before, I have nothing to hide. I didn't kill my husband. I gave you my DNA. I don't know what more you want from me. That should be enough to clear me, shouldn't it? Unless... unless you have nothing to match it to and asking me was another test. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. SQUAD ROOM - DAY TONY: For a Naval flyer, Jimmy Seeger had a lot of cash. KATE: He inherited it from his grandfather. TONY: No kidding? You know what my grandfather left me? KATE: His button collection? TONY: I wish. My cousin Petey got that. I got a thousand shares of stock in a dot-com company. KATE: Well, that's more than Laura Seeger would have gotten out of her divorce. She signed a lopsided pre-nup. TONY: Well, I guess if he died before they were divorced, the pre-nup wouldn't have mattered. KATE: It sounds like a motive to me. TONY: How did Seeger's grandfather make his money? KATE: Imported Swiss Army Knives. TONY: Oh, I love everything Swiss; knives, cheese, the Alps. I even like Abba. KATE: Abba's Swedish. TONY: I don't think so. (TO GIBBS) Hey boss. Did she crack under the pressure? (BEAT) I take that as a no. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. NCIS LAB - DAY (MUSIC PLAYS B.G.) GIBBS: I got your nine one one, Abs. What's up? ABBY: Are you ready to have your world rocked again? GIBBS: I'm barely over the first time. ABBY: I ran Laura Seeger's DNA swab and I got the DNA results back from the urine sample taken at the first crime scene. GIBBS: And? ABBY: How about a drum roll? GIBBS: Abby? ABBY: Okay, forget the drum roll. Although it would have been nice. GIBBS: Hey! ABBY: The DNA matched. GIBBS: Laura Seeger has an ironclad alibi. ABBY: I know. GIBBS: How is it possible they could match? ABBY: They can't, but they do. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. SEEGER HOUSE - NIGHT (KNOCK ON DOOR) (DOOR OPENS) GIBBS: We've got a warrant to search your house. LAURA: I don't understand. You said that my alibi checked out. GIBBS: It did... for the murder of your husband. TONY: This warrant is based on the murder of David Truly. (DOOR CLOSES) LAURA: I don't even know who that is! SHERIFF DUPRAY: David Truly was killed on U.S. Highway Fifty Eight. Your DNA was found at the crime scene. LAURA: That's impossible. KATE: Not according to the lab results. LAURA: What DNA did you find? TONY: Well, it seems that while you were waiting for a car to come along, you had to answer nature's call. LAURA: Women don't urinate on the side of the road! Do they, Agent Todd? KATE: I don't. LAURA: Someone's setting me up. TONY: So you're saying that someone stole your urine while you weren't looking? LAURA: Yes! TONY: And how exactly would they do that? LAURA: I've given two urine samples in the last month at Oceana Base Clinic. Once for my annual physical and once because Jimmy's lawyers accused me of using drugs. KATE: You know that's easy to check out. LAURA: Check it out. I want you to. GIBBS: Who's your doctor? LAURA: Commander Margaret Green. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. CLINIC - DAY GIBBS: You neglected to tell me Lieutenant Seeger had filed a formal grievance against you. GREEN: I didn't think it was germane. GIBBS: A man has been murdered, you had a grudge, and you don't think it was germane?(DOOR CLOSES) GREEN: I'm a professional, Agent Gibbs. I didn't let his compliant color my behavior. GIBBS: Maybe you should have. According to the complaint you were sexually harassing Lieutenant Seeger. GREEN: Lieutenant Seeger and I differed in our interpretation of the events that transpired. GIBBS: What did the review board conclude? GREEN: The hearing hadn't been held. GIBBS: The hearing hadn't been held. Before it could be, Lieutenant Seeger was killed. GREEN: Are you trying to insinuate something, Agent Gibbs? GIBBS: I don't insinuate, Commander. Did you treat Lieutenant Seeger's wife? GREEN: I treat a lot of people's wives. GIBBS: Including Lieutenant Seeger's? GREEN: Including Lieutenant Seeger's. GIBBS: She recently had a physical. GREEN: That's correct. GIBBS: Well, I'd like to see her medical records. GREEN: Only her doctor is privy to those. GIBBS: NCIS has access to all military records. GREEN: His wife isn't military. She's a dependent. GIBBS: Doesn't matter. GREEN: I'll have to check on that. Might take a while. GIBBS: Where were you between two and three p.m. Tuesday. GREEN: At a medical conference. GIBBS: Where? GREEN: D.C. SWISH PAN TO: INT. SQUAD ROOM - DAY TONY: We have two great suspects. KATE: Commander Green because of the complaint filed against her which would threaten her pension and her future with the Navy. TONY: Laura Seeger who'd get diddly if her divorce went through. KATE: Green was in D.C. with witnesses. TONY: Seeger was in the bank on video. KATE: How could our two great suspects both have ironclad alibis? TONY: I don't know. Only one of them had DNA at the crime scene. KATE: Well, if you believe Laura Seeger, then someone planted it. TONY: Green had access to her DNA. She could easily have done it. (PHONE RINGS B.G.) TONY: I'd put my money on her. The whole sexual harassment thing... that's just wrong. (KATE HANGS UP PHONE) KATE: That was Arlene in records. I think I just got the answer to the mystery. MUSICAL BRIDGE TO: INT. CAR - NIGHT DISPATCHER: (V.O./FILTERED) Special Agent Gibbs, this is Onstar. The vehicle you are tracking is parked on Owl Creek Bridge. GIBBS: Roger. You copy that, Charlie? SHERIFF DUPRAY: (V.O./FILTERED) Owl Creek Bridge. Copy. TONY: Hey boss, we made our pickup. Let's hope we get there before someone else does. [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. BRIDGE - NIGHT (SFX: CAR BRAKES TO A STOP) (SFX: CAR DOOR OPENS/CLOSES) GIBBS: Keep your hands where I can see them! (DOOR OPENS) GIBBS: Step out of the car! Step away! (DOOR CLOSES) GIBBS: Hands behind your back! Interlace your fingers. Thumbs up. (SFX: POLICE CAR BRAKES TO A STOP) (MUSIC OVER ACTION/TWIN WALKS TO THE CAR) (DOOR CLOSES) TONY: (V.O.) Twins. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. SQUAD ROOM - DAY TONY: The holy grail of dating. KATE: Where do you come up with this stuff? TONY: Although, twins that kill... not good. KATE: I just can't imagine killing someone for your sister. I would never kill for my sister. TONY: Yeah, you barely return her calls. GIBBS: Identical twins, identical DNA, identical murders. One for the books. TONY: I'll bet Laura was splitting Swiss Arm Knife money with Linda, that's why Linda killed her sister's husband. REPORTER: (ON TV)...Sheriff Dupray's statement... KATE: There's Charlie. SHERIFF DUPRAY: (ON TV) Thank you all for coming. Before I take your questions, there is a group of people that I want to thank. TONY: Oh, we're finally going to get some credit. SHERIFF DUPRAY: (ON TV) They're sort of the unsung heroes in all of this. KATE: Not when you start singing. SHERIFF DUPRAY: (ON TV) I would like to express my deepest gratitude to the citizens of Grayson County, for putting their faith in me. I couldn't have solved this triple murder without your support. Now I'll take your questions. (REPORTERS ALL SHOUT) SHERIFF DUPRAY: (ON TV) Man in the second row. Go ahead, doll. (REPORTER AND SHERIFF TALK B.G.) GIBBS: It's an election year. (MUSIC OUT)

A local county sheriff calls in NCIS upon discovering a murdered lieutenant commander by the roadside, quickly followed by the murder of a civilian contractor two counties over. As the team struggle to find a motive or suspects for either case, another murder occurs; this time a naval aviator. Ducky points out that while the murders appear to follow the same modus operandi and seem to have been carried out by a serial killer, some elements are different, indicating that the murders were not carried out by the same individual which suggests that there is a copycat on the loose. A DNA sample draws suspicion onto the widow of the third victim, but she has an iron-clad alibi, leaving Gibbs and the team with a complex investigation and many loose ends to tie up.

fd_Dawson_s_Creek_04x12

fd_Dawson_s_Creek_04x12_0

[Scene: Pacey and Gretchen's place. Pacey is asleep on the couch, when Joey comes up to him carrying a cupcake with a candle in it.] Joey: Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you Pacey: [groans] [Pulls the covers over his head.] Joey: Happy birthday, dear Pacey Pacey: No. Go away, Jo. Joey: You better make a wish before I set this couch on fire. Pacey: My wish would be for no further acknowledgement of today's hollow, symbolic meaning as a milestone in the life of Pacey Witter. Joey: Ok. Except, now that you've told me your wish, it can't possibly come true. Pacey: [Sighs] Look, I understand your naive enthusiasm, ok? I mean, what's the harm in celebrating a birthday? Everybody else does it. What you don't know is that every birthday I've had since I was 10 years old has been a complete disaster. I'm talking gut-wrenching, soul-searching, question-the-universe agony. Joey: Well, at least you're not being dramatic about it. Pacey: For example, my 12th birthday party, my first boy-girl party, I ate so much pizza and ice cream, I puked on Justine Sherman, a girl who I had a massive crush on. Remember this? Joey: Mm-hmm. Pacey: She then proceeded to call me Pacey pukey for the rest of the year, a quaint little nickname that my family picked up on and now resurfaces itself every year around this time to hearty laughs all the way around. Of course, it's probably not as bad as 16, the year that I threw myself a party and nobody decided to show up. That was good. Oh, yeah. I also failed my driver's test the same day. But neither of those will ever, ever beat 14, the day I was mauled by a dog. So, if you don't mind, this year I think I'll just skip it. Joey: Hmm. No. Pacey: Well, there may be one way that we could avert disaster-- if you and I were to spend a quiet evening alone, here. Joey: I promise. Pacey: Just you and me. [She hugs hum and gives him a kiss and then looks over his shoulder and we can see the worried look on her face.] [Opening Credits] [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Dawson's House. Jack and Dawson are walking down the stairs carrying the supplies they used while painting the baby's room.] Jack: So, you're grinning with anticipation for a certain date with Gretchen tonight, huh? Dawson: I don't know if it's anticipation or nervous terror. Jack: What's to be terrified about? You guys kissed, and she agreed to go out-- oh, no, no. I get it. I get it. Dawson: What do you get? Jack: Well, no, it's just--Pacey and Joey. Small matter of do they know yet? Dawson: No, that's not it. I'm terrified because it's our first official date. I haven't seen her since the kiss, and there's a massive build-up. Pacey and Joey, if they ask me, I'll tell them. Gretchen will, too. It's really not a big deal. Jack: No. It sounds like a great plan. Let me know how it goes, ok? [Scene: Gretchen and Pacey's place. Pacey and Joey are sitting at the table eating while Gretchen is doing some stuff in the kitchen. Pacey is going through the mail.] Gretchen: So, Jo, you got any big plans for Pacey's big you-know-what day? Joey: Pace made me promise no big eventy stuff, so probably just a quiet night alone, me and him. Gretchen: I can't believe he still thinks there's some kind of a birthday curse on him. Joey: I know. Pretty ridiculous, right? Gretchen: But what are you gonna do, though? [Pacey stops when he comes to a letter] Joey: What? Pacey: Oh, nothing. I'm cool. I'm just gonna put some shoes on. [Pacey leaves the room, and Joey goes over to Gretchen.] Joey: What are you doing tonight? Gretchen: What do you mean? Joey: I'm throwing a last-minute surprise party for Pacey at your parents' house, and I want you to be there. Gretchen: Oh, Jo. Bad idea. My parents are insane, and Pacey will kill you. Joey: I know, but see, it was your mom's bad idea. She called me, and she was so excited and so sweet, and what was I supposed to say? Gretchen: You could say no. Joey: Yeah, but I said yes. Gretchen: Well, this should be interesting. Joey: Please come. I need as many friendly faces as I can get there. You don't have any plans, do you? Gretchen: Plans? Tonight? Me? Oh, god. No. No. I'm pathetic. I don't have much of a life. Nope. No plans. Nothing going on with me. Joey: So, you can come? Gretchen: Yeah. Of course I'll come. You know, it'll be fun. Joey: Good. Pacey is gonna kill me, isn't he? Gretchen: Oh, yeah. You're dead. [Scene: Gram's house. Grams and Jen are in the kitchen decorating some picture frames, while Grams is humming along to the music on the radio.] [Radio playing music] Grams: Mmm. I love this song. Jen: What are you so happy about? Grams: Well, I'm happy because you agreed to do these fun Saturday afternoon crafts. You know, when I was a child, my grandmother taught me how to do the art of decoupage. Jen: Well, I don't think I'm so good at it. Grams: Oh, that looks fine. So, what are your big plans for this evening? Jen: Well, unfortunately, I've got, like, 5 more hours of community service, which means that my Saturday night will be spent chauffeuring a bunch of drunk kids home from illicit teenage parties. It's for this organization called "responsible rides." Grams: Well, that sounds like fun. Jen: I don't know. I mean, all these lame hours of community service, and I don't feel like I've served the community once or learned a thing. It's just a big, fat waste of time. Grams: Mm-hmm. Jen: Ok. What is with you? Grams: With me? Jen: Yeah. Come on. You're all flighty and sPacey and-- my god, you are thinking about s*x, aren't you? Grams: Jennifer. Jen: It's nothing to be ashamed of, grams. When two people fall in love, it is perfectly natural to daydream about s*x. Grams: I will admit I enjoy Mr. Brooks' company, but I most certainly am not in love, and, for the record, we are not having s*x. Jen: Be that as it may, I have to ask, have you had the talk? Grams: What talk? Jen: The safe s*x talk. Grams, it's a prerequisite these days, plus, you gotta find out what this guy is into. I mean, it could be kinky. Could be S&M, toys. Grams: Stop. Now, I know what you're trying to do. You're trying to freak me out because you hate decoupage or because you hope to be grounded so you can get out of community service tonight. Jen: Did you just say, "freak me out"? Grams: Well, it's not going to work, because when it comes to safe sexuality, I've got my bases covered, and when it comes to decoupage, the more you practice, the better you get, and when it comes to community service tonight, you're going. Jen: You are very sneaky, you know that? You just turned around that entire conversation without ever having to admit that you were daydreaming about s*x. I'm impressed. Grams: I've learned from the best. Jen: Well, that's true. [Scene: The Leery Fish House. Gretchen is getting ready for the day's business, when Dawson comes in to talk with her.] Dawson: Hey. Gretchen: Hello there, handsome. Dawson: Hi. I came by to see where you would like to be taken on our date this evening. Gretchen: Right. The date. Dawson: Yes, the date. Don't sound too excited. Gretchen: Oh, no. Of course I'm excited. I just, um--there's been a slight change of plans. You see, my parents decided to throw Pacey a surprise birthday party. Joey was gonna tell you about it, but I told her I would, because-- because we're going. Dawson: Ok. Uh, not much of a first date, but Gretchen: you know, I was thinking, actually, maybe we could postpone the whole first date thing. Dawson: Why would we want to do that? Gretchen: Well, look. You know, Joey and Pacey don't know about us yet, you know? And I'm not sure that his birthday party is the best place to come out of that particular closet. Dawson: Yeah, but it's not like it's a secret. Gretchen: Yeah, but nobody knows. Dawson: Jack knows. Gretchen: Nobody else knows. Dawson: What, so that means we should hide it? Gretchen: Well, no. I mean, not so much hide it, just not tell anyone yet. Dawson: Ok, but in my experience, sneaking around is the best way to get caught doing anything. Gretchen: We wouldn't be sneaking around. We're just postponing things. Dawson: All right. Is this about Pacey and Joey, or is this about your family and you being ashamed to be on a date with me? Gretchen: I'm not ashamed. Dawson, come on. You know my family. I mean, they're insane. Plus, yeah, this has something to do with Joey and Pacey. I mean, I think we need to be sensitive to them. Dawson: Sensitive to them by lying to them? Gretchen, I've never known you to be anything other than straightforward. What's going on? Gretchen: Look. I'm just not ready to go public with this. I mean, you can still come to the party and everything. I just Dawson: Yeah, but if this is something you feel you need to hide, then it's something we shouldn't be doing in the first place. I'll see you tonight. Gretchen: [Sighs] [Scene: The Community Center. Jen is speaking with the woman in charge of the events, and they are talking about her chauffeuring tonight.] Woman: Once you and your partner are on the road, we'll keep in touch via walkie-talkie, ok? Jen: Mm-hmm. Woman: Do you have any questions? Jen: No. Think I'm all set. Ready to round up some drunks. Woman: Well, if you'll excuse me, I have some paperwork to do. You're gonna be riding with this young man here. [They walk into the hall and Jen sees Tobey standing out there. The woman, seeing that they already know each other, leaves.] Jen: Tobey. Tobey: Hey. Jen: My, my. Look what the cat dragged in. What are you doing here? Tobey: It's the best place to pick up boys, the drunker the better. Jen: I hear ya. So, really, what are you in for? Tobey: Sadly, I am actually volunteering here of my own free will. What can I say? I'm a good Samaritan. Jen: Well, good for me. Maybe you can serve to brighten these last few lame hours of indentured servitude. Tobey: Ah! I live to give. Jen: Actually, you know what? There's this birthday party that, if we're in the neighborhood, making our rounds, we could stop by, and Jack is going to be there, and I know he'd love to see you. Tobey: Oh, you think? We didn't exactly hit it off the first time. Jen: Maybe this time'll be different. Tobey: Jen, not all homosexuals have to be friends with each other, you know. Jen: I know that. Tobey: Plus, I'm still not entirely convinced Jack's gay. I mean, maybe he's just pretending for the social cachet, you know? The chance to be a rebel outsider. Jen: Wait. Listen. Ok. I know that you guys had your differences, but Jack is a great guy. He's fun and funny and built like a Greek god, but, more importantly, he's lonely. Tobey: Please. Tell me you're not trying to set us up. Jen: I'm just trying to set you up as friends. Tobey: Good, because I'm taken, and Greg is extremely jealous. [Scene: Outside the Witter House. Joey is leading Pacey along the side of the house blind folded.] Pacey: Where are you taking me? Joey: And why would you be blindfolded if I was going to tell you? Pacey: I thought that we agreed not to celebrate. Joey: But, uh, I changed my mind. Pacey: Well, do I at least get to guess? Joey: You can have one guess. Pacey: Perhaps a remote dock. You brought some candles and some champagne and birthday cake that you are going to feed to me by hand while serenading me-- off-key, of course, and [] whoa, dressed only in Victoria's secret lingerie, after which, you will lay me down under the stars and ravish me. Joey: Close, Pace. Very close. [She removes the blindfold and he gets to see where he is. He looks very disappointed that it is his family's house. They go inside, and find Mr. Witter sitting on a chair watching a hockey game.] [Hockey game airs on TV] Mr. Witter: Oh, you're here. Surprise. Mrs. Witter: Oh, shoot. We missed it. Surprise! [Mrs. Witter comes out to see that they missed their surprise.] All: Surprise. Jack: Happy birthday, Pace. Surprise. Pacey: [Groans] ha ha! Doug: Whoa. Hey, there's my birthday-cursed little brother. Pacey: Ha ha! Doug: Oh, I can't wait to see what disasters befall you on this joyous occasion. Well, let the games begin. Mom! I'm Hungry. Mrs. Witter: Well, you are just going to have to wait a minute. Dinner's not ready yet. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: The Hallway of the Witter House. Dawson is on the floor wrestling with 3 young children, when Gretchen walks up to them.] Gretchen: Hey, you need help? Dawson: Ok, guys. Let's take this out of the hallway, ok? All right. Ok. Joey: Did you see that? Jack: Yeah. That's funny. [They look over at some pictures over the mantel.] Joey: Very festive, no? Gretchen: Been there since Christmas '86. Jack: Oh, that's cute. I didn't know you guys had a dog. Gretchen: Had" being the operative word. Joey: What happened to it? Gretchen: We don't speak of that. Join me in the kitchen? Jack: Sure. [Jack goes and sits down in the chair next to Pacey, who is sitting on the couch with his sister Kerry. Kerry reaches into a bowl on the table and takes some chips out of it.] Mr. Witter: No wonder your husband left you, you eating like a cow. You know, on my 18th birthday, I was trudging through a jungle in Da Nang, a machine gun on my shoulder, 50 pounds of ammo on my back. Saw a lot of tragedy that day, but I celebrated that night with a gorgeous, 30-year-old Vietnamese beauty, several times, I might add. [Chuckles] now, that-- that was an 18th birthday. Pacey: I thought you had to be 18 to join the army, pop. Mr. Witter: You calling me a liar, son? Mrs. Witter: Now, John, just because Pacey's not out there defending his country doesn't mean he's not a man today, and I know if there were a war on--assuming they'd take him-- he'd enlist tomorrow. Wouldn't you, honey? Pacey: Sure thing, ma. Mrs. Witter: Pacey, why doesn't Joanna set the table? Pacey: Her name's Joey, ma. Mrs. Witter: That's what I said. Pacey: Course you did. Just kill me now. [Jack tries to adjust the chair he is sitting in, while Pacey just buries his head in his hands. Mr. Witter looks over to see Jack.] [Chair creaking] Mr. Witter: Now, who the hell are you? Jack: Me? I'm Jack, sir. We met a while back on a fishing trip. Mr. Witter: Don't remember. [Scene: The Dining Room table. Joey is setting the table, when Pacey comes in to talk with her.] Pacey: Would you mind if I ask you just what the hell you were thinkin'? Joey: What do you mean? Pacey: You promised me, you and me alone, tonight. You looked me in the eye and promised. Joey: Ok. Your family, out of the kindness of their hearts, wanted to throw a party for you for your 18th birthday. What was I supposed to say? Pacey: My family could give a crap about me or my birthday. This is just an excuse for my father to get a little bit drunker than usual, have some birthday cake, tell me I'm a disappointment, and then pass out in his chair while watching when animals attack. Joey: Ok. So they're not perfect, granted, but they're your family, Pace. Don't you get what that means? The least you can do is make a little bit of an effort. Pacey: It doesn't matter what kind of effort I make. I'm still gonna fail. Joey: Fail? Fail at what? Pace, what are you talking about? Pacey: Nothin'. Joey: Look at me. I promise you that we will get through this night together, unscathed, and everything's gonna be ok, I swear. Ok? Pacey: [Sighs] How I wish that were true. [Scene: The kitchen. Dawson is cleaning up some dishes when Gretchen comes in with the 3 children, and goes over to talk with Dawson.] Gretchen: Hey, did anyone ever tell you you are the master at giving the cold shoulder? Dawson: Uh, I'm not giving the cold shoulder. I'm just mingling. Gretchen: Yeah, with everybody but me. Dawson: Am I the only one who remembers our earlier conversation? Gretchen: I'm just trying to forget it. See, I'm hoping that we can come to some mutually agreeable solution for our little problem. Plus, I want to kick your ass at monopoly. Kids: Come on. Gretchen: You guys ready to play? Kids: Yeah. Yeah. Come on. Gretchen: Well? Dawson: Ok. I'll do it for the children. [Scene: The Community Car. Jen is driving, while Tobey is sitting in the passenger seat, on route to pick up their first kid of the night.] Jen: So, what gives? I'm still waiting to hear about this mystery boyfriend of yours. Tobey: Greg? Jen: Mm. Tobey: Well, not much to tell, really. I mean, god knows why, but he is head over heels for me, and he's perfect. Jack's polar opposite, actually. Gorgeous. Jen: Wait a minute. You don't think that Jack is gorgeous? Tobey: Well, in a fratty sort of way, I guess, but Greg, he's jams dean, you know? I mean, brooding, tortured, deep. Jen: Jack is brooding, tortured, and deep. Tobey: I'll take your word for it, but Greg, he's perfect. I mean, he's blonde and beautiful, and he's been out since, like, the age of 12. Yeah, and his mother is a famous lesbian who teaches feminist poetry at Harvard, and he's totally smart and completely comfortable in who he is. He's just-- he's a man, you know? [Scene: The porch outside the Witter house. Pacey is sitting outside on the steps, when Joey comes out and walks up behind him and puts her arms over his shoulders.] Joey: You know it's not that bad. I mean, we've been here for 45 minutes without a major crisis and only 2 hours to go. At the most, 3. So, legally, you're... You're not allowed to still be mad at me for throwing this thing. Pacey: I'm not mad at you. Joey: You're not? So what's wrong? Why... Why are you so upset? Pacey: Um...Well... I'm upset... Because, uh... Because I didn't... I just, uh... Joey: You didn't what? Pacey: Can we not talk about this right here? Do you mind if we just take a little walk? [They begin to walk away, when mr. Witter comes out.] Mr. Witter: Sneaking off to smoke some marijuana? Pacey: What? Mr. Witter: Come sit on the couch. I want to talk to Joey. Come on. [They go inside and sit down on the couch.] Mr. Witter: I just want to thank you for putting thoughts of college in my son's head. Joey: Oh. Mr. Witter, while I'm happy that Pacey wants to go to college, I don't think I can take all the credit for that. Mr. Witter: Well, I got to blame someone, 'cause Pacey's "big dreams" means I'm gonna have to finance another drop out's half-assed education. Pacey: Gretchen didn't drop out of school, pop. Mr. Witter: Oh, really? 'Cause I didn't realize working as a bar maid in a fish restaurant qualified as a university education. Then again, I'm just an uncouth, uneducated police officer, putting his life on the line every day for the people of this town. What do I know? Joey: Mr. Witter, I really don't think Pacey will be dropping out. I think he's going to do great in college. Just you wait. Mr. Witter: I appreciate the youthful optimism. My prediction: If he doesn't drop out he'll flunk out. It's a waste of his time and my money. Mrs. Witter: Oh, honey. Just because Pacey flunked a class or 2 in high school, doesn't mean he's going to do the same thing in college. Right, sweetie? But I have faith in you, and I know that one day my faith will pay off. So, no matter how many times you let us down, sweetie, my faith will be there to pick you right back up. Mr. Witter: Your faith and my bank account. Mrs. Witter: Oh, John! Mr. Witter: I'm just saying Pacey should set his sights on something he can accomplish, like refrigeration and heating repair. We always knew Gretchen was college material. Mrs. Witter: Oh, yeah. Mr. Witter: But Pacey... You remember when he was a kid and he wanted to be a veterinarian, and you always said, Mrs. Witter: I always said, "dog groomer, honey. What about dog groomer?" Mr. Witter: Exactly. Someone has to be the dog groomer. [Scene: In the basement. Dawson is with the 3 kids by the couch, while Gretchen is setting up a special lamp of hers.] Dawson: So what exactly is the surprise you guys are waiting in the dark to see? Kids: Yeah, we want to play monopoly. Gretchen: Oh, patience, little ones. I have something better than monopoly. Watch this. [She turns on the lamp and the dark room is filled with tiny sparkling lights, as they all sit down on the couch to watch the lights dance across the ceiling.] Kids: Whoa! Whoa! Gretchen: It's cool, huh? Dawson: It's beautiful. Kids: Yeah. Gretchen: My grandmother, your great-grandmother, gave me this gift when I was a little girl. And we would sit down here for hours, staring up at the stars. And she would tell us this story. It was about a princess named Isabella. You see, Isabella was a star dancer. And she was meant for a life dancing amongst the stars. And she was blessed because she could fly from star to star. But she was cursed, too. Because for every star she'd visit, there'd be another one she left behind. And that was her plight. Forced to live eternity dancing amongst the stars, free as a bird...But alone. It's tragic, huh? Dawson: Not really. Think of all the stars she got to visit and how much better she made the lives of the people she met there. Gretchen: But Dawson, she leaves. Little boy: If Isabella visits, I don't want her to leave. Gretchen: Oh, you don't, huh? Kids: Me, either. Me, either. Mrs. Witter: Kids, come wash up for dinner! Kids: Aw, [Scene: Upstairs in the living room. Mr. Witter is still watching hockey as Pacey stands in the hallway watching everyone, with a disappointed look on his face. Joey walks up to join him.] Mr. Witter: What's wrong with you, ref? Joey: Don't believe them, Pace. You are gonna go to college and do amazing, you know that? There's nothing that they can say about it. Gonna shock them all. I know you are. Pacey: Well, what if I don't? What if they are 100% correct, and I am simply too stupid to do anything worthwhile with my life? Joey: What are you talking about? Pace, what's going on? This can't just be about your birthday. Pacey: No, it's not just about my birthday. Let's take this to the basement, huh? [They go downstairs and turn on the light, but are shocked to find Dawson and Gretchen making out on the couch.] Joey: Wrong room. [Pacey turns and leaves and Joey follows after her.] [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: The dining room table. Everyone is seated around the table, as Mrs. Witter brings out the food.] Mrs. Witter: Ok, everybody... In honor of Pacey's birthday, I have made his favorite: Chipped beef on toast. Pacey: Nope! That's Dougy's favorite. Mine's spaghetti and meatballs. Mrs. Witter: Nah-ah-ha. When you were a little kid you always begged me to make you chipped beef on toast. Pacey: That's right. I forgot. I always pretended to hate chipped beef on toast, in a vain attempt to mask my true feelings of love. Doug: I love chipped beef on toast. Pacey: We've established that, Doug. Thanks for the input. Mrs. Witter: Oh, nuts. You know what I forgot? Pacey: Spaghetti and meatballs. Mrs. Witter: Ketchup. Joanna, will you go grab the ketchup? It's in the, uh, fridge. Joey: Sure. Mr. Witter: Dig in, everybody. Here, honey. Doug: Mmm! Mrs. Witter: Mm-mm-mm-mm-mm! [Scene: The kitchen. Dawson quickly follows Joey in to try and talk about what just happened.] Dawson: Joey, hey, uh... Look, I'M...I'm really sorry that you had to find out about it like that. I don't want you to be upset. Joey: So, what... Are you guys like, dating now? Dawson: Well, uh, we... This was going to be our first date, but plans changed. Joey: But you are a couple? Dawson: Uh, we haven't really defined our relationship yet. Joey: But it is a relationship? Dawson: I don't know. [Joey leaves and Gretchen enters.] Gretchen: Listen, um... Joey: Oh! Found it. Excuse me. Gretchen: What the hell do we do now? Dawson: Um...I don't know. But I think we can probably move beyond the "should we/shouldn't we tell them" question. By the way, she thinks we're a couple now. Gretchen: Well, did you tell her we were a couple? Dawson: Um...No, I told her we had a date. Gretchen: So, you told her we were dating. Dawson: I told her we hadn't defined the relationship yet. Gretchen: And what did she say? Dawson: She said, "but it is a relationship." Gretchen: Is it a relationship? Dawson: I know what I think. I want to know what you think. Gretchen: I--I don't know what I think. Dawson: Well, I think that this was never about Pacey or Joey or your family or coming out of any closets. I think this is about you, and I think you need to figure out what you want. [Dawson leaves and Pacey enters.] Gretchen: Ok, let's talk about it. Pacey: No, let's not. Today is not the day, Gretchen. I mean, any other day that I was to find you making out on the basement floor with Dawson, of all people, I would probably freak out. And then we would have words. But not today. Today, I don't want to talk about it, I don't want to think about it, in fact, I'd like to pretend it never even happened, 'cause frankly, I got bigger problems on my mind. Gretchen: Which are? Pacey: A conversation that I am supposed to have with Joey that will impact the entire rest of our relationship. Not to mention, explain why I've been in such a state of utter despair today. Gretchen: Pacey, what are you talking about? Pacey: You know what my advice to you would be? To just stick to your own dramas, because they are much more entertaining. Gretchen: Pacey... [Sigh] [Scene: The Community car. Jen and Tobey are driving various groups home. First a young buy, and then 2 girls, one obviously wasted.] [hysterical laughter] Guy: And then...Then I realized that she doesn't love me. She loves him, huh? That's why she was having s*x with him in...In the bathroom! Girl: There's gonna be beer bongs, keg stands, body shots. You got to come. Jen: You know, I think that maybe we should get your friend home. Girl: No, she's fine. Girl 2: I think I'm gonna hurl. Jen: Oh, no! [Scene: The Witter Family Room. Pacey is opening the gifts that they have brought him.] Everyone: Whoo... Kerry: It's an ashtray. Pacey: Yeah. Thank you, I've been meaning to take up smoking. Mr. Witter: Uh, that one's from me. [Mr. Witter points to a large package, which Pacey opens.] Pacey: Fireworks. Everyone: Ooh! Ahh! Pacey: It's just what I've always wanted. Thanks, pop. Mrs. Witter: You know, I, uh, recently read an article in, uh, ladies home journal, that said a fun way to bond with your kids, uh, on their birthday, was to recall a favorite memory from their childhood. Pacey: Oh, joy. Mrs. Witter: I guess I'll go first. And, uh, my memory would have to be when Pacey was a baby. It was such a relief to finally have a late bloomer. Never bothered anybody. Used to fall asleep in cardboard boxes. Doug: That's right. Kerry: And then there was the time we almost left Pace at 31 flavors. Doug: I remember that, yeah. We were practically driving away when this lady flagged us down with Pacey just wailing in her arms. I swear, we would have driven home before we realized he was even gone. I'll tell you, he was so upset that he peed his pants. That's right. Your uncle, he peed his pants! [Everyone laughs] Pacey: Thanks for that one, Doug. Doug: You like that, huh? Uncle peed his pants. [Gretchen, seeing his discomfort, tries to help.] Gretchen: You know my favorite Pacey memory? When I was in fifth grade, there was this bully named Max Brody. And he was the meanest kid you'd ever want to meet. And one day, he pushed me off the swing set. Hard. I, um, I split my lip open. And Pacey, who was in second grade at the time, was sitting over in the sand box. And when he saw max push me, I've never seen anybody run so fast. And he just started punching and kicking him, screaming, "stay away from my sister!" But that's Pacey. The bravest guy I know. Mr. Witter: Brave and foolish. As I recall, Pacey came home crying because that bully beat the pulp out of him. Mrs. Witter: I remember that. Kerry: What about the time that Pacey got up at 5:30 in the morning and decided to make pancakes for the whole entire family? Pacey: Come on! [Pacey buries his head ion his hands.] Kerry: But he set the kitchen on fire and scraps died of smoke inhalation. [Mr. Witter leans forward to tell a tale.] Mr. Witter: All right. I have a Pacey story Pacey: Oh, enough! Enough. Look as much as I love being publicly eviscerated on my own birthday, I think we can all guess what the theme of this happy anecdote is going to be: Pacey messes up yet again. Am I right? Pacey kills the dog. Or pees his pants, or pukes, or gets the pulp beaten out of him. But you know what else the theme might be? The theme of every birthday I've ever had. Well, the theme of my entire life, for that matter. No one gives Pacey a break. Everybody expects the absolute worst out of Pacey. Pacey gets the short end of the stick. Pacey gets fireworks and an ashtray, and chipped beef on toast for his birthday, and endlessly harassed because how dare he want to go to college so he can possibly get out of this place? But you know what, dad? You and your wallet can breathe easy, because I don't think I could go to college even if I wanted to, because I found out today that the only school I thought would take me, my fallback school, rejected me. So I'm not going to college. So I guess, at the end of the day, you guys are right. I'm going to end up exactly where you thought I would. A complete and utter failure. [Pacey storms out of the room and goes to the front door and opens it. Only to find Jen and Tobey standing outside it.] Jen & Tobey: Happy birthday to you... [He pushes past them and leaves the house, as Joey tries to follow.] Joey: Pace! [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: The front door. Dawson grabs his coat and walks over to it, while Joey is putting her coat on.] Joey: What are you doing? Dawson: I'm going with you. Joey: Dawson, I think I n handle this on my own. Dawson: Uh, you don't have a car. Pacey took yours. Come on. Let me take you. Joey: Fine. Mrs. Witter: Janet... [Scene: Standing in a hallway. Gretchen and Jen are talking when Jack comes up to them carrying some cake. Tobey is standing next to the front door.] Jack: Jen. Cake. You look hungry. Jen: Thank you. You've had some, right? Gretchen: Yeah. Jack: Excuse me. [Walks over to Tobey] Toby. What are you, uh... What are you doing here? Tobey: Why, I'm, uh... I'm here to make you uncomfortable, of course. Jack: I'm not...I'm not uncomfortable. It's... You know... So...How, how's the club going? Tobey: You mean, uh... The gay club. Where all the gay kids hang out and be gay together? It's, um, it's doing smashing. And, uh, what about that club of yours? Um, what's it called? Self-hatred and denial. How's that going, Jack? Jack: Yeah. Excuse me. [Scene: The Mitch mobile. Dawson is driving Joey around in an attempt to find Pacey.] Joey: Um... For the record, Dawson, I can honestly say that I don't care right now if you and Gretchen are a couple, or if you're dating, or if you're in a relationship, or if you're just periodically groping each other. I mean, you guys can run off to Vegas and elope for all I care, I have much bigger things on my mind right now. Dawson: Well, good, because I have no idea if we're dating or a couple or in a relationship, because she won't tell me. And every time I get close to finding out, she freaks. Joey: Well, that's the Witters for you, Dawson. In relationships they tend to keep their emotions close and their weaknesses even closer, and it's not because they don't care, it's just... It's because they care so much. And...Well, the good news is, is that eventually they always tell the truth. However, it's often after you've... After you've selfishly ignored all the signs that they've been suffering. Dawson: Joey, it's not your fault Pacey didn't get into college. Joey: I know, but it's my fault that he thinks that he disappointed me, because I said that he'd definitely get in. Dawson: There's the potters for you. They tend to believe in people more than they believe in themselves. It's a real character flaw. Joey: Yeah, we should probably just go back. I don't think we're ever going to find him out here. [Scene: The Capeside Marina Docks. Pacey is sitting on a box at the end of the pier and he is shivering because he isn't wearing a coat, when Mr. Witter walks up from behind him, carrying a coat.] Mr. Witter: Hey. Pacey: Hey. Mr. Witter: Thought you might be needing this. Pacey: Thank you. Mr. Witter: Here. [Hands him some gloves and sits down next to him.] Pacey: How the hell did you know where I was? Mr. Witter: I didn't. The station got a call from a house boat about a creepy guy lurking on the dock. Pacey: Oh. Mr. Witter: So what are you doing lurking on the dock? Pacey: Just want to be close to the water. Mr. Witter: You know, I never told this to anyone... And I will personally hunt you down if you breathe it to a soul. But I got rejected the first time I applied to the police academy. Pacey: You did? Mr. Witter: Yep. Let me tell you, Pacey, it was devastating. Pacey: I know I'm not college material, pop. But I just really, really wanted it. Mr. Witter: Now, look, son. I--I know that I've been hard on you about school, and, uh... It's not because I don't think you're good enough to go or to get in. Pacey, I just don't know if it's the right thing for you. I don't know if it's ever been right for you. But ask me if I think that you're meant to do great things... And by the way, I never did get to tell my "remembering Pacey" story. It was about your tenth birthday, and... I got you fireworks. And you said it was the best present you ever got. And we set them off out back, down by the water, and you... You were really happy, Pacey. And so, I was, too. [Scene: The Community car. Jen and Tobey are getting ready to call it a night and are heading back.] Jen: What would you think if I made this "responsible ride" activity a regular thing? Tobey: What? This from the cynical Jen Lindley. I guess nothing is truly as it seems, huh? Jen: Kind of like, um, you were really mean to Jack because your whole beau "Greg" is just a fabrication. Tobey: What? Jen: Toby, it's fine, ok? I mean, I know that you like Jack. Why else would you have gone so far out of your way to be mean to him tonight? And why would you have invented this fictional character? I--I mean, come on. A jams dean clone? Oh, with a, with an award-winning poet lesbian for a mom? I mean, it's too good to be true. Tobey: Yeah, but it was good. Jen: When you dream, you dream big, huh? Listen, my advice would be, um... If you are interested in Jack and...The... Well, the best way to get in his life is to be his friend, and that requires being nice. Now, I--I know this may be a new concept to you, but I think that you might find it effective. Tobey: You are...You are such a bitch. Jen: Right back at you. Tobey: Hmm. [Scene: Outside the Witter house. Pacey and Mr. Witter are walking up to it, and there are no lights on inside the house.] Mr. Witter: Well, that's odd. Where'd everybody go? Pacey: My guess would be the red lobster. To wash away all memory of mom's chipped beef on toast. [Laughs] [They go inside, and everyone jumps out.] everyone: Surprise! Happy birthday to you happy birthday to you happy birthday dear Pacey happy birthday to you [everyone cheers] [Scene: Outside in the back yard. Dawson is sitting alone in front of a bonfire, when Gretchen walks up from behind carrying some wood.] Gretchen: You know, I've been thinking. You're right. Tonight...It wasn't about my family, or Pacey and Joey. It was about me. See, I know how I feel about you, Dawson. But I'm scared, because...Because, what if I leave soon? I want to have this thing. Whatever it is with you... I'm afraid I'll hurt you when I go. Dawson: But Gretchen, I'm leaving, too. At the end of the year. That's not the point. The point is right now. And right now, you're here. And so am I. So let's make the most of this, and not be afraid. Gretchen: Sometimes I don't know if you're wise or just naive. [Both laugh] Gretchen: But I think it's wise. The real question is, how did you get to be so fearless? Dawson: I want Isabella's story to have a happy ending. Gretchen: Me, too. [They kiss each other very passionately.] [Scene: The back porch. Pacey is looking out at his family in the back yard having a great time, when Joey walks up from behind him.] Joey: Hey, Pace. Pacey: Hey. Joey: Sorry I threw you such a bad party. Pacey: Naw, that's not your fault. It's the curse. Joey: I know how you must be feeling. You don't have to feel that way. Because one... One rejection isn't anything. It's definitely not the end of the world. Pacey: It's not really about the rejection. That just makes it real. You and I are just on opposite paths, Jo. On different roads. And we are heading farther and farther away from each other. Joey: I don't think so. I think both roads lead back to the same place. Right here. You and me, Pace. That's the one thing that won't change. Not if we don't let it. Pacey: I got to be honest. This is getting harder and harder. Joey: Well, then, we'll try harder. Pacey: Mmm... Joey: Hey, Pace? Pacey: Yeah? Joey: Happy 18th birthday. Pacey: [Chuckles] [They watch some fireworks go off, and kiss each other before heading down to join the rest of the group.] [fireworks] Kids: Hey, look! [Everyone talking] Mr. Witter: Ok, everybody up the hill! Let's watch the big one! Get ready for the fireworks. The big one's coming. Kids: There they go! There they go! Look up there, gram! [Everyone talking and laughing] [Mr. Witter walks up to Pacey and throws his arm over his shoulder.] Mr. Witter: Happy birthday, Pace. Pacey: Pop.

Joey decides to help Pacey's mother throw a surprise 18th birthday party for Pacey, not knowing about Pacey's self-professed 'birthday curse'. The party goes downhill fast as Pacey's family makes Pacey feel worthless and everyone else feel uncomfortable. Dawson becomes upset when he feels that Gretchen doesn't want anyone to know about their new relationship and postpones their first real date to go to the party. Pacey and Joey again walk in on Dawson and Gretchen kissing, this time more passionately. Jen correctly suspects that Toby might be harboring romantic feelings for Jack.

fd_Merlin_01x07

fd_Merlin_01x07_0

"In a land of myth and a time of magic, the destiny of a great kingdom rests on the shoulders of a young boy. His name...Merlin." KING'S PALACE, MORGANA'S CHAMBERS - NIGHT Arthur drifts under water wearing his armour. A woman stands over him. Morgana wakes with a gasp. She is terrified. Morgana (whisper): Arthur! Arthur! [SCENE_BREAK] OPENING CREDITS [SCENE_BREAK] FOREST - DAY Arthur slinks through the woods with a crossbow. Merlin bursts out of the trees and bumps Arthur as he's about to shoot. Merlin: What is it? Arthur (angry): You really are a total buffoon, aren't you, Merlin?! Merlin: I was just asking. Arthur: Who? Me or the deer?! We're supposed to be hunting. It requires speed, stealth and an agile mind. Merlin: So you're able to get by on two out of three, then? A woman screams. Merlin: What was that? Arthur: Quiet. Voice of a man (distant): Please! Don't! Voice of a woman (distant): Help! Arthur grabs his sword from Merlin. A man lays on the ground as a bandit draws his sword to kill him. A young woman struggles with three other purse snatchers. Man: No, no, I beg you! Mercy! Bandit: Give us some money! Young woman: Help me! Help me! Arthur shoots one of the robbers. The others attacks Arthur. The man gets up and holds the young woman while Arthur fights off the bandits. Merlin (casts a spell): Forb rnen firgenholt. A large tree branch falls on top of one of the bandits trying to attack Arthur from behind. Arthur kills the one in front of him and the last bandit runs off. Arthur looks up at the tree. Arthur: Stroke of luck. Merlin: And let that be a lesson to you! Arthur gives him a look. Merlin: What? I was covering your back. Arthur (to the man and the young woman): You alright? Didn't hurt you? The young woman turns to Arthur and removes her hood. Young woman: No... Thanks to you. I'm Sophia. This is my father. Arthur: Arthur Pendragon... at your service. Arthur kisses Sophia's hand. He looks dazzled by her beauty. KING'S PALACE, COUNCIL CHAMBER - DAY Sophia and her father stand before the court. Sophia's father: My name is Aulfric, heir to T r-M r. This is my daughter, Sophia. Uther: You're a long way from home. What brings you to Camelot? Aulfric: Our home was sacked by raiders, We barely escaped with what few possessions we could carry. Arthur leaning on a pillar cannot take his eyes from Sophia. Uther: These are dangerous times. What will you do? Aulfric: We travel west to Caerleon where we have family and, I hope, a new life. Uther: You must stay here awhile, (Arthur looks relieved) break your journey. A noble family like yours is always welcome in Camelot. Arthur stares at Sophia when she exits with her father. She stares back at him. Merlin smiles. KING'S PALACE, ARTHUR'S CHAMBERS Arthur: Make sure you put her in a decent room. Merlin: The one next door's empty. Arthur: The one next door's fine. Excellent, in fact... (Merlin smiles) Shut up, Merlin. Merlin: What? I didn't say anything. Arthur: You didn't have to. I want to make it clear that my intentions towards Sophia are completely honorable. Put her in the room on the other side of the castle. It's warmer, more comfortable. Merlin: Of course. She...er...is very beautiful. Arthur: Yes, she is. Merlin: And if your intentions are honorable... Arthur: Oh, they are. Most definitely. Merlin: Then what's the problem with her staying next door? Arthur: There isn't one. You've convinced me. Put her in the room next to mine. KING'S PALACE, CORRIDOR Merlin hands Sophia a blanket. Merlin: If you need anything, just let me know. Sophia: Thank you. Sophia enters her guest room. Morgana sees her. They both exchange a look. Morgana approaches Merlin anxiously. Morgana: Who is that? Merlin: Er...Sophia T r-M r. We rescued her in the woods. Well, Arthur did most of the rescuing. Morgana: She can't stay here. Merlin: The King said that she and her father are welcome in Camelot. Is everything ok? Morgana: Yes. Thank you. KING'S PALACE, PHYSICIAN'S CHAMBERS Morgana enters just as Gaius takes a flask off of the burner. Morgana: I'm sorry, I didn't mean to disturb you. Gaius: Nonsense, my child. My favourite patient is always welcome. Gaius kisses her cheek. Gaius: I'm sorry about the mess. Most of it's Merlin's. If I'd known you were coming, I'd have tidied up in here. Morgana: Er...it's not that. It's just...your bench is on fire. Gaius: My bench is on fire? What are you...(turns to look) My bench is on fire! Morgana (hands him a bucket): Here. Gaius (uses tongs to drop the flask in the water): You're always getting me into trouble. What brings you to this dark corner? Morgana: I had another dream. Gaius: I see. Morgana: I saw Arthur lying under water, drowning, and there was a woman standing over him, watching him die. And she's here in Camelot. Gaius: The mind plays tricks. It borrows from everyday life and plays out its own fantasy. Morgana: But I had this dream before she came to Camelot. Gaius: You must be mistaken. Morgana: No, I know what I saw. It was so real...so vivid. I saw him die, Gaius. She's going to kill him. Gaius: These are just dreams, Morgana, nothing more. Are you taking the sleeping draught I made up for you? Morgana: Oh, it doesn't help. Gaius: Here. Try this. It will induce a deeper sleep (hands her a bottle) You've nothing to fear. Morgana: Thank you, Gaius. Gaius: Morgana. Don't bother Uther about this. No need to worry him. FOREST, BANDIT'S CAMPFIRE - NIGHT Aulfric approaches the bandit that got away. The bandit stands up and draws his sword. Aulfric: You can dispense with the unpleasantries...your payment. Aulfric holds up a leather pouch. Bandit: I want more. My friends are dead because of you. Aulfric: Yes. I'm sorry. Such a dreadful waste of life. But if it's any consolation, you'll see them again soon...m r e cine t ne! Aulfric's eyes redden and he kills the bandit with his staff. KING'S PALACE, MORGANA'S CHAMBERS - NIGHT Morgana stirs restlessly in her sleep. She sees the same vision of Arthur drowning with Sophia standing over him. Morgana wakes She is terrified. KING'S PALACE, ARTHUR'S CHAMBERS - DAY Arthur: I'm taking Sophia out for a ride today. You know, show her around. Merlin: Where do I come into this? Arthur: Well, I'm supposed to be on patrol with the guard of my father this morning, so I need you to cover for me. Merlin: What, and lie to the King? No. No way. No, he'll see right through me. He'll have me in the stocks quicker than you can say rotten tomatoes. Arthur: Merlin. Merlin sighs. Arthur: I need you to do this for me. Merlin: I am a terrible liar. I start sweating, my...my vision blurs, my...my brain stops working. Arthur: Well, no change there, then. Look, I promised Sophia I'd take her out and if I don't turn up it'll blow my chances. Merlin: You like her, then? Arthur: Yeah. What's not to like? I want to spend some more time with her, but I need to get my father off my back. I can't order you to lie to the King, but ...you'd be a friend for life if you did. Merlin: Go on, then, you don't want to keep her waiting. Arthur: Thanks, Merlin. I won't forget it. KING'S PALACE, MORGANA'S CHAMBERS - DAY Morgana watches Arthur ride out of Camelot with Sophia. Gwen: You're sure it's her? Morgana: I could never forget that face. Gwen: You should speak to the King. Morgana: And tell him what? That I can see the future? Gwen: If you think Arthur's life is in danger. Morgana: You know how he'd react. Gwen: You're his ward, he wouldn't harm you. Morgana: He hates magic more than he cares for me. Gwen: That's not true. Morgana: Would you care to put it to the test? Gwen: But what else can you do? Morgana: I'm going to have to try and stop her myself. KING'S PALACE, COUNCIL CHAMBER - DAY Uther: Where's my son? Merlin: I'm not sure where he is. I...erm...I think there's been a mistake. But it's not his fault. Arthur's, I mean. Uther: Stop gibbering and tell me where he is. Merlin: It's probably... No, it's definitely my fault. Uther: Where is Arthur?! Merlin: He's not here. Uther: I can see that. Merlin: Arthur wasn't sure of his orders, so he asked me to check with the guards to see if he was riding out this morning and...well...I may have forgotten. Uther: You forgot? Merlin: I'm sorry, My Lord. I am sure he would have been here had I told him. Uther: If this was a time of war, I would have you flogged. Merlin: And since it's not, we'll let it go just this once? LOWER TOWN - DAY Merlin is pelted with rotten tomatoes in the stocks. Merlin: I forgot how much fun this was. FOREST - DAY Arthur walks through the woods with Sophia. Arthur: The river's not far. It's just down here. Sophia: Arthur...wait. Arthur: What is it? Sophia takes Arthur's hands and looks into his eyes. Sophia (spell): T ce hw n frec' re, artur. Guard (distant): You there! Halt! Sophia backs away and Arthur tackles her as an arrow flies at them. Arthur runs toward the guards. Guard (distant): Sorry! Arthur (distant): Sorry?! You nearly shot a crossbow in my face! What do you mean you're sorry?! Sophia looks fearfully at the arrow in the tree behind her. Arthur jogs back. Arthur: You okay? Sophia: Yes. Thanks to you. Arthur: They were searching for the bandits that attacked you yesterday. Here. Arthur picks up Sophia's staff to give it to her. Sophia (angry): Don't...touch that! Arthur (puzzled): I'm sorry...Maybe we should go back. Sophia: It's fine. I...I'm sorry, I was upset. Now, don't let this spoil our day together. We were having such a nice time. Let's go down to the river. Arthur: I'm taking you back to Camelot (Sophia looks worried). Your father would never forgive me if I let anything happen to you. KING'S PALACE, PHYSICIAN'S CHAMBERS Merlin enters covered in rotten tomatoes. Gaius: Have you been playing with your food again? Merlin: The King put me in the stocks. Gaius: What'd you do this time? Merlin: Nothing. Honestly, it wasn't my fault (pours water in a basin) Arthur wanted to get out of going on patrol with Uther and the guard, so I covered for him and took the blame. Gaius: And Arthur was prepared to let you do this? Merlin: It was his idea. Merlin washes his face. Gaius: And what made him neglect his duties? It must've been something terribly important. Merlin (smiling): Sophia. Gaius (looks concerned): The girl from the forest? Merlin: He wanted to take her out for the day (takes food out of his hair) He is besotted. Gaius: But they've only just met. Merlin: I know. I guess it must have been love at first sight. Gaius: Yes...I suppose it must be. KING'S PALACE - CORRIDOR Gaius is walking toward Aulfric's bedchambers. He checks if anyone is around and enters. AULFRIC'S GUEST CHAMBERS Gaius snoops around and inspects Aulfric's staff and the writings on it. He doesn't hear Aulfric enter. Aulfric: Can I help? Gaius (startles): Forgive me. The door was open. I thought someone may have broken in. Aulfric (angry): Looks like they have! (his eyes have reddened) Gaius: I apologise for imposing on you. It won't happen again (starts to leave. He has seen the red eyes and looks suspiciously at Aulfric) Aulfric (threatening voice): Make sure it doesn't. KING'S PALACE, MAIN SQUARE Arthur and Sophia ride in and dismount. Sophia looks worried. Arthur: You're sure you'll be alright? Sophia: Yes. Thank you for today (kisses Arthur's cheek) Good night, Arthur. Arthur watches her until she is inside the castle. KING'S PALACE, GRIFFIN STAIRCASE Sophia enters the palace and bumps into Morgana. Sophia: Sorry! (smiles) Lady Morgana, isn't it? I'm Sophia. Morgana (drily): What are you doing here? Sophia: My father and I are guests of the King. Morgana: You're lying. I know what you're going to do to him, and I won't let it happen. Sophia: Does Arthur know you feel this way about him? Of course he does. I suspect he's already turned you down. Morgana: Don't think you can make a fool out of me. Sophia: I won't have to. You're managing to do that well enough already. Morgana: Stay away from him. Sophia: Or what? (pause) Jealousy is such an unattractive trait in a women. Morgana: If anything happens to Arthur, I'll find you. However long it takes. KING'S PALACE, AULFRIC'S GUEST CHAMBERS Sophia enters. Aulfric: You've not been gone as long as I expected. Sophia: We were interrupted. Aulfric: What happened? Sophia: I was nearly killed. For a moment, I felt what it would be like to die a mortal death. He saved me. Someone so weak, so feeble, saved me! I can't bear to be like this a moment longer. Aulfric: You won't have to. Once his heart is yours, the gates of Avalon will open once again for us and we can regain our true form. Sophia: I need a little more time. Aulfric: You must hurry. The physician can see us for what we truly are. Sophia: And he is not alone. The Lady Morgana. She fears her powers, but that will not keep her quiet for long. Aulfric: Tomorrow, you have to finish the enchantment otherwise our chance to rid us of these mortal shells will be lost forever. KING'S PALACE, ARTHUR'S CHAMBERS Morgana: You seem very fond of her. Arthur: You make that sound like a bad thing. Morgana: Not necessarily. I've just never seen you fall under a woman's spell so quickly. Arthur: If you're jealous, Morgana, it's ok to admit it. Morgana: Don't flatter yourself. Arthur: Come on. It wouldn't be the first time now, would it? Morgana: Arthur, I'm trying to protect you! She isn't what she seems. Arthur: Why? What makes you say that? Morgana: I just have a feeling. It's difficult to describe. I had a dream. A nightmare. Arthur (laughing): You really are very sweet, Morgana. Morgana: Why are you laughing? Arthur: You! Your feelings, bad dreams. You don't have to make this stuff up. You can tell me the truth. It's obvious you like me. Morgana: Less and less by the second. Arthur: All right. Whatever you say. Morgana: You're intolerable. Just hope I'm wrong about her. KING'S PALACE, ARTHUR'S CHAMBERS - DAY Merlin is getting Arthur's armour ready. Arthur comes in. Merlin: You're dressed! Arthur: Nothing gets past you, does it, Merlin? Merlin: What...You're supposed to be wearing these! Your father's bestowing a knighthood on one of your men this morning! Arthur: I'm giving it a miss. Merlin: Won't the King mind? Arthur: Not if you...er...cover for me, again. By the way, thanks for yesterday, I heard you ended up in the stocks. Bad luck. Merlin: They were throwing potatoes at me. It's only supposed to be rotten fruit. Arthur: I'm not sure there's any hard-and-fast rules, but if it's any consolation, I think it was worth it. Merlin (gets closer): What? It went well? Arthur: Great. Fantastic (Arthur looks lost in his mind) She's incredible. Merlin: Don't worry. I'll find a way to get you out of it. Arthur: Just make sure you don't end up in the stocks this time. Merlin: I won't. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole deception lark. LOWER TOWN - DAY Merlin is pelted with rotten food in the stocks. FOREST - DAY Arthur and Sophia frolic through the woods. Arthur: Wai...wait! Careful. Sophia: Don't worry. I will be (she comes close to Arthur and looks in is eyes) t ce hw n frec ' re, artur. Arthur: What are you doing? Sophia takes Arthur's hand and comes closer. Sophia: ec nom feoh gyse. Cume mor or rice r. T ce hw n frec re, artur. Sophia and Arthur's eyes glow red. KING'S PALACE, PHYSICIAN'S CHAMBERS Merlin enters covered in rotten food. Gaius sits at his desk. Gaius: Not again Merlin, surely? Merlin: You would think that the appeal of pelting the same person with fruit would wear off after a while, but, oh, no! Gaius: I heard that Arthur wasn't at the knighting ceremony. Merlin: Yeah (pours water in a basin) he wanted to make the most of his time left with Sophia. Gaius: So you helped him? Merlin (start to wash): I'm his servant, I had to. Gaius: You shouldn't have done that, Merlin (he looks up at Gaius) I fear that Sophia may not be all that she seems. Merlin: Why? Gaius (gets up): What do you know about seers? Merlin: Not much. They're...supposed to be able to see the future, like prophets? Gaius: It's said to be an innate ability. Those who have it are born that way. Some aren't even aware that what they see is the future. It comes to them in their dreams (sits on a bench the other side of his desk) Merlin: What's this got to do with Sophia? Gaius: The night before she and Aulfric came to Camelot, Morgana had a dream. Sophia was in it. Merlin (surprised): Before she arrived in Camelot? Gaius: I've been watching Morgana since she was very young. And though I tried to persuade myself otherwise, I realised that (Merlin has come closer and sat on the bench near Gaius) some of the things she said she'd dreamt came to pass. I kept it secret from Uther, of course. The gift of prophecy is too close to the work of magic. Merlin: You think Morgana is a seer? Gaius: I don't think it. I fear it. Morgana said she dreamt that Sophia killed Arthur. Merlin: Couldn't that have just been a dream? Maybe the- the woman Morgana saw just looked like Sophia. Gaius: That's what I hoped. But Aulfric caught me in Sophia's room and, in a flash of anger, his eyes changed colour. Merlin: Who are they? Gaius: It's not who they are that worries me. It's what they want with Arthur. KING'S PALACE, ARTHUR'S CHAMBERS Sophia continues enchanting Arthur. Sophia: Our love is strong. You feel the same way, too. If we were ever to be parted...? Arthur: I'd never let that happen. Sophia: You may not have the choice. There are some here who don't want us to be together. Arthur: I'll never let them come between us. Sophia: Because we are in love. Arthur: Because we're in love. Sophia: You must seek permission for us to marry... so that we can be together. Arthur: Till death do us part. Sophia: T ce hw n frec' re, artur. Sophia's eyes glow red and she kisses Arthur. Sophia: Till death do us part. Arthur's eyes glow red and Sophia exits. KING'S PALACE, CORRIDOR Aulfric meets Sophia outside Arthur's door. Sophia: He's ready. Tomorrow he'll do what we need him to. Aulfric: Good, you have done well. I must go to the elders. Merlin sees Aulfric as he turns the corner to Arthur's Chambers and follows him. WOODS, LAKE OF AVALON Merlin follows Aulfric into the woods. Aulfric reaches the Lake. Merlin watches him from behind a tree. The wind has started to blow. Aulfric addresses the Lake. Aulfric: I seek an audience with the Sidhe elders! Do:tiag-sa ar idbairt do denam! A blue haze and fairies appear over the lake. The fairies fly faster than a human eye can see. Merlin adjusts his sight and through his eyes we watch everything in slow-motion. Merlin is amazed by what he sees and he smiles. Aulfric: I come before you to plead for the chance to win passage back to Avalon and a life of immortality! One of the fairies, the Sidhe Elder, comes close to Aulfric. Merlin watches Sidhe Elder: Your punishment for killing another Sidhe is a mortal body and a mortal life. You will never be able to return to Avalon. Aulfric: The crime was mine, not my daughter's. Sidhe Elder: The gates of Avalon remain closed to your daughter. Unless the soul of a mortal prince be offered up to them. Aulfric: Thank you. An immortal life for my daughter is all that I desire, so I promise you the soul of the greatest prince of all. Arthur Pendragon! Merlin realizes that Arthur's life is in great danger. The fairies disappear into the Lake and Aulfric laughs. KING'S PALACE, PHYSICIAN'S CHAMBERS Gaius: Avalon. What you saw at the lake, it's Avalon. It must be... Merlin: What's... Gaius: The land of eternal youth. Mortals are only supposed to glimpse it the moment before death. Merlin: Well, I've seen it and I'm still here. Gaius: Extraordinary. What did it look like? Merlin: Does it matter? They're going to sacrifice Arthur and we don't even know who "they" are yet. Gaius: We do now (Gaius sits by his desk. Merlin follows him) I found writing like this on the top of Aulfric's staff. It's Ogham, an ancient script. Abas ocus bithe. Duthectad bithlane. "To hold life and death in your hands." From the writing on his staff and what you saw at the lake, I'm afraid I'm now certain. We're dealing with the Sidhe. Merlin: That does not sound like a good thing. Gaius: They're masters of enchantment. Merlin: You think Arthur's been enchanted? Gaius (nods): Almost certainly. I'm afraid Morgana's dream is coming true. KING'S PALACE, COUNCIL CHAMBER Arthur stands before Uther who is reading documents. Morgana sits next to Uther. Ulfric and Sophia are one step behind Arthur. Arthur: I request this audience, Father, to discuss a matter of great importance (Merlin enters the council chamber) It cannot have escaped your attention that I and Lady Sophia T r-M r have grown very close. Uther (teasing): Not too close, I hope. Arthur: We're in love (Uther and Morgana exchange a look) Which is why I come before you today to ask your permission to marry. Merlin and Morgana look concerned. Uther (first startled then laughs): I assume you're joking. Arthur: No. I'm going to marry her. Uther: But you only met two days ago. Arthur: We're in love. Uther: In love? We had no idea that you were such a romantic (turning to Morgana) had we, Morgana? Morgana: No. (pause) He's full of surprises. Arthur: I'm going to marry her. I don't care what either of you think about it. Uther: I thought you'd come to ask my permission? Arthur: Out of courtesy, nothing more. Arthur turns back, takes Sophia's hand and they walk toward the door. Uther: Guards, door. The guards prevent Arthur and Sophia from leaving Uther (stands up): You've forgotten whose court you're standing in. Arthur: You won't stop me. If I want to marry her, I will. Uther (to the guards): Arrest Sophia and Aulfric T r-M r... The guards step forward. Arthur: What are you doing? Uther: ...and inform the executioner his services will be required tomorrow morning. Arthur: You can't do this. Uther (raises his voice): Yes! I can! And unless you show me some respect (leans to Arthur) I will! Arthur reluctantly bows his head. Uther: Release them. You've got your whole life ahead of you. Sophia is no doubt your first love, but she certainly won't be the only one. Enjoy yourself while you can. [SCENE_BREAK] KING'S PALACE, COURTYARD CORRIDOR Morgana follows Uther. Uther: You're not planning on springing any surprises on me, are you? Morgana: Don't you think you should be taking this a bit more seriously? Uther: He's young, foolish and in love. Give it a week and he'll be chasing after the next girl that catches his eye. Morgana: Sophia will never let that happen. Uther: Do you bear a grudge against our guest? Morgana: There's something about her I don't trust. You've seen the way Arthur changed since she's arrived. Uther: He's a fool in love. Morgana: She's dangerous. Uther: Dangerous? To who? Morgana: Arthur. Uther: Why do you say that? Morgana: I just have a sense, a feeling. Uther: And what has she done to make you have this feeling? Morgana: Nothing, yet. It's what she's going to do...I don't know how to tell you this. Uther: Try. Whatever it is, you can tell me. They stop and face each other. Uther waits for Morgana to speak. Morgana: I've just seen girls like this before. They string men along and then drop them. I don't want to see him get hurt. Uther: I know you want to protect him, but some lessons we have to learn for ourselves. He'll hurt for a week and then Sophia will be forgotten. Morgana: I hope so. Uther: Are you sure there's nothing else behind this? Morgana: Yes, it's nothing. Uther leaves. Morgana looks desperate. KING'S PALACE, ARTHUR'S CHAMBERS - NIGHT Arthur's packs for travel. He wears his chainmails. Merlin enters. Arthur: Get out. Merlin: I thought the King was a bit harsh. Arthur: I don't need sympathy, Merlin, especially not from you. Merlin: But I did think he had a point. Arthur (angrily): I ordered you to get out. Now leave me! Merlin: I know what you think you're doing, and I know you think you're in love with Sophia... Arthur: Who are you to tell me what I'm thinking? Merlin: I'm your friend. Arthur: No, Merlin, you're my servant. Merlin: You don't know what you're doing. She's cast a spell on you. You're enchanted. Sophia (enters the room with Aulfric) : I told you people would try to keep us apart. Arthur: I know. I won't let that happen. Merlin: Look, don't listen to her, she's controlling you. Sophia: We can elope together. Get away from this place, these people. Merlin: I saw you. I followed him. They're planning to sacrifice you. Aulfric: You let your servant talk to your guests this way? Merlin: I know what you're going to do, because I followed you to the lake and I heard everything. You have to believe me. Arthur seems lost and looks like he does not know who to believe. Sophia: Don't listen to him, Arthur. Let's go. Let's leave tonight. Merlin: She's going to kill you. Sophia plans to sacrifice you to buy a life of immortality. If you go with her, you'll die. Arthur: It...it doesn't make sense. We're...we're in love. Merlin: They're magical beings! Look at the writing on the staff. Merlin lunges forward to grab Aulfric's staff; Aulfric's eyes flash red. Merlin: Look at his eyes. Look at him. Do you believe me now? Arthur, do you see? Arthur turns round. His eyes are also red. Arthur: I see everything. Merlin lunges toward Aulfric, but Aulfric uses his staff. Aulfric: Na mben sis! Aulfric's spell throws Merlin against the wall and knocks him unconscious. KING'S PALACE, MORGANA'S CHAMBERS - NIGHT Morgana looks out her window and sees Arthur leaving the Square with Sophia and Aulfric. She runs out of her chambers. KING'S PALACE, PHYSICIAN'S CHAMBERS - NIGHT Morgana runs in. Morgana: He's gone! Arthur's gone with her! She's taken him! Gaius: Slow down. Morgana: I know you don't believe me, but I'm so sure it's going to happen. My dream's going to come true. Gaius: I do believe you. Morgana: I've got to tell Uther. Gaius: You can't. Morgana: I've got to do something, if I don't then Arthur will die. Gaius: You can't tell Uther about your dream. If Uther thinks you've got the seers' power, he'll charge you with witchcraft. Morgana: I don't have a choice. I couldn't live with myself knowing I'd let him die. Gaius: Wait. We've known each other a long time, you trust me don't you? Morgana: Yes, you know I do. Gaius: Then trust me now. Stay here and don't say a word to anyone about this. Morgana: But Arthur... Gaius: I'll take care of it. Morgana: Where are you going? Gaius: To find someone who can help. He leaves and motions her to stay inside. WOODS - NIGHT Arthur walks through the woods with Sophia and Aulfric. KING'S PALACE, ARTHUR'S CHAMBERS - NIGHT Gaius enters as Merlin is just coming around. Gaius: Merlin! What happened to you? Gaius kneels down and helps Merlin Merlin: Aulfric. Where's Arthur? I have got to go after him. What's that buzzing noise? Gaius: Careful, Merlin, you can barely stand up. Merlin: I have to go. Gaius: You can't, not in this state. You owe it to your powers that you survived this at all. Merlin: I'll be fine, he needs me. Gaius: Has that buzzing stopped? Merlin: Yeah. Gaius: Liar. Merlin: I have to go, Gaius. He'll die if I don't. Gaius: The Sidhe are a vicious people. You must be careful. Merlin: Don't worry, I know what I'm doing. Walks toward the window Gaius: Merlin? (points at the door) This way. Merlin: Just testing. Merlin runs through the forest. LAKE OF AVALON An oblivious Arthur is standing with Sophia and Aulfric. Sophia puts he staff on the grass Aulfric: Go. They are waiting for you. Sophia: I don't understand. You're coming too. Aulfric: Only one of us can pass through. This was never meant for me. Sophia: But...I only wanted this so we could both return to Avalon. Aulfric: Your destiny is on a different path to mine. It is my fate to live a mortal life. Sophia (crying): I don't want to leave you. Aulfric: You must. Once the ceremony begins you have to go through with it. The elders expect a soul. If they don't get his they will take yours. Sophia: Goodbye (she hugs her father) I will never forget you. She takes Arthur's hand and leads him into the lake. Merlin continues running. Sophia and Arthur are now in the lake. They stop,water at waist-height. They hold hands. Ulfric starts the ceremony. Aulfric: Ia bend d don n we. C on gare ewe deahl s re. S re. Ig b deahl s n ah. D a r cwyl ga him. Merlin trips in the woods, then keeps running. Aulfric: An 'w n. Fl ete . D md g. D a r cwyl ga him. An 'w n. Fl ete . Sophia kisses Arthur. Aulfric: D md g. D a r cwyl ga him. An 'w n. Fl ete . D md g. D a r cwyl ga him, Arthur Pendragon. Arthur falls backwards into the water. Merlin keeps running. Aulfric keeps incanting. Aulfric: Ia bend d don n we. C on gare ewe deahl s n ah. S re. Ig b deahl s n ah. An 'w n. Fl ete . D md g. D a r cwyl ga him. Merlin arrives and sees Aulfric's Sophia's staff on the ground. Merlin: Onbregdan. The staff flies into Merlin's hand. Merlin points it at Aulfric. Merlin: Swilte, gold beor . A bolt of light hits Aulfric and he explodes. Sophia: Father! No! No! Sophia tries to run to the shore. Merlin points the staff at her. Merlin: ga ceoles. A bolt of light hits Sophia and she explodes. Merlin takes his jacket off as he runs into the water. Merlin: Arthur! Arthur! Arthur! Merlin finds Arthur under the water and brings him to the surface. KING'S PALACE, ARTHUR'S CHAMBERS Merlin and Gaius sit at Arthur's bedside waiting for him to wake. Arthur groans. Merlin: Arthur? Arthur? Arthur: What happened? Where am I? Merlin: Can you remember anything? Arthur: Oh! Oh my head! There was a girl. Sophia, she...I asked my father something about her, I asked him... (bolts up in bed) What was I thinking? Merlin: Well, we did wonder. Especially when you eloped with her last night. Arthur: I did what? Gaius: Merlin had to bring you back to Camelot. Arthur: I don't recall any of this. Gaius: Must've been some blow. Arthur: What blow? Merlin: Well...er...when I caught up with you, I couldn't persuade you to return, you were beyond reason. So I had to make you. Arthur: You managed to knock me out? Merlin: Yep. With a lump of wood. Gaius: He only did it to bring you back safely. Arthur (points menacingly at Merlin): No one...can know about this (points at Gaius) Any of it. Is that understood? Merlin and Gaius look at each other and then nod. Arthur falls back on his pillows. KING'S PALACE, COUNCIL CHAMBER - DAY Arthur stands before the court. Uther: When you failed to show up for patrol this morning, I feared you'd eloped with Sophia in a fit of passion. Arthur turns to Merlin. Merlin: I...I wish he had. Because then I wouldn't be stood in front of you feeling like an idiot... again. Uther: This is becoming a near daily occurrence for you. Merlin: But there was a mistake. And I would not say it was anyone's fault (Arthur looks at him) Not...not really. Erm,..you...you could say it was mine. Uther: Could somebody tell me what happened? Merlin: Well... Uther: Someone with a brain. Arthur: After Sophia left, I wanted to take my mind off her so I went for a hunt. Morgana: And killing things mends a broken heart? Arthur: No, but it's good fun. Merlin was meant to inform you that I wouldn't be back till later today. Uther (to Merlin): Have you some kind of mental affliction? Merlin: Probably. Gaius: I'm looking into it, Sire. Uther: Well, I hope for our sake you find a cure. Or we'll find ourselves with a food shortage on our hands. Merlin (chuckles): Food shortage... LOWER TOWN - DAY Merlin is pelted by rotten food in the stocks. KING'S PALACE, PHYSICIAN'S CHAMBERS Morgana knocks and enters. Gaius: Morgana. Morgana: I've had some troubled nights. Gaius: I prepared another draught for you. Have the dreams stopped? Morgana (shakes head): Arthur told me what actually happened (addresses Merlin) You must've hit him round the head really hard. Merlin: Yeah. I feel really bad about that. Gaius: Here you are. Remember, every night just before you go to sleep. Morgana: Thank you, Gaius. Morgana leaves Gaius: She must never find out the truth. Merlin: Why not? She had a premonition that helped save Arthur's life. Gaius: And it could've cost her her own. If Uther ever found out, things would never be the same again. It must remain a secret. Merlin: Is she like me? Can she use magic? Gaius: No one's like you, Merlin. Merlin: But she has the gift? Gaius: For her sake, I hope not. MORGANA'S CHAMBERS Morgana wakes from another nightmare.

Arthur rescues the elderly Aulfric and his pretty daughter Sophia from bandits and they are welcomed to Camelot. Arthur quickly falls in love with Sophia and they plan to elope. Morgana is very alarmed as she has a recurring dream in which Sophia drowns Arthur. She confides in Gaius and Merlin, who realize that the dreams are prophetic and that Morgana may have magic. Merlin follows Aulfric to a lake, where he discovers that father and daughter are Sidhes, former immortals who have lost their immortality and who must kill Arthur in order to regain it.

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[PREVIOUSLY_ON] Paul : So, about the director ... what do you want? Lucas : I want a director that understands the characters. That's what this movie's really about. Team : Let's go! Come on! Bobby : Scott ... Take a seat. Devon : Get comfortable,15. Get real comfortable. Chase : Uh, is Peyton around? Mia : No. Chase : You wouldn't by chance know how to make a long island iced tea, would you ? Sam : So, when's this thing with you and Brooke gonna happen? Julian : Brooke and I are working together. Sam : You like her. Julian : Do not. Sam : Do too. Julian : This has to be business, right? I mean, with Peyton and ... Brooke : This should be business. Julian : We can't just ... I mean, I kiss you, and then gets ... Brooke : Definitely. It would be ... Julian : It would be. Brooke : Yes. AT THE GYMNASIUM Man : Announce Chiefs basketball, and we've got a close one. The Chiefs trail by one with 10 seconds left on the clock. Bobby : Let's bring it in, let's bring it in. All right, huddle up! Okay, guys, this is it ... last play. We're gonna go four-out swing rattle. Spread the defense and isolate 23 at the top of the key. Devon, you're gonna break down your man. If you get doubled up, you hit Rhodes cutting under the basket. Devon : I got this. Bobby : All right. Here we go. Everybody knows where they're supposed to be. Let's get "chiefs" on 3 ... 1, 2, 3. Team : Chiefs! Devon : You know where you're supposed to be,12? Let's go! Let's go, baby! I got this! Jamie : What? Aw, come on! Nathan : Let's go, guys! Bring it home! Man : Here we go. 10 seconds left. Chiefs down by one. left They try to get the ball to Devon Fox. He's got 33 points tonight. Chiefs do get the ball inbounds. Fox has it now, dribbling on top. Four seconds it, but fox takes the shot instead ... Seven seconds now on the CCK. And Rhodes breaks free under the basket! ... and it's no good! And the chiefs lose a heartbreaker. Devon : Yeah, all right. Now, who saw me throw down that windmill in the third quarter, huh? It was sick! Somebody better put that on a poster. That's all I'm saying. Nathan : You do realize we lost the game. Devon : No. You lost. I had 33 points. Nathan : That's funny. Last time I checked, it's a team sport. Devon : You don't get it. See, the NBA only scouts players who put up big numbers. Tonight I did that, so I won! And your ass is only hereto keep the bench warm. Nathan : Oh, is that right? Devon : Yeah. Yeah, that's right. Bobby : Is there a problem here? Devon : No problem. Just reminding your boy here whose team this is. Yeah. That's what I thought. Yeah! It's Devon Fox's house! AT LUCAS'S HOUSE Peyton : You know, there is this amazing invention called the dishwasher. Lucas : Yeah. It's called "me". Been doing it since I was, what, Jamie's age? And besides, helps me think. Peyton : All right. So, besides having a pregnant fianc , what's going on in that head? Lucas : Ah, it's the movie. Julian and I have met with five different directors. Turned them all down. Tomorrow we're meeting with the sixth. Oh, yeah. And Julian's dad's coming to town tomorrow. Apparently, he's not happy with how selective I've been. Peyton : Okay. Well, then, maybe director number six will be the one you've been waiting for. Lucas : Well, they say he is A ... visionary. Peyton : That's a good thing, right? Lucas : Well, yeah. Unless his vision is different than mine. AT THE GYMNASIUM Nathan : Well, this is the first five-game losing streak of my career. I think I like winning better. Jamie : You didn't lose, daddy. Those losers did! Nathan : Somebody's a little fired up. Haley : Yeah. You should have seen him 20 minutes ago. Nathan : You know what, Jamie? I wear that uniform just like they do, so doesn't matter if I'm playing or not, it's still my team. We win as a team, and we lose as a team. Remember that, okay? Jamie : Okay. Nathan : All right. Haley : You okay? Nathan : I am now. Haley : Good. Let's get you home. AT BROOKE'S HOUSE Brooke : This is so wrong ... but it's so right. What am I gonna tell Peyton? I can't be on the couch, kissing you. Julian : Well, okay, then maybe we should just continue this in your bedroom, preferably without our clothes. Brooke : We can't. I gave Sam a very strict "no boys in the bedroom" policy, and I can't be one of those hypocrite moms. Julian : Hasn't Sam already broken that rule like five times? Brooke : Once. Julian : Okay, then that means you're allowed to break it once. It's only fair, right? Brooke : No. That grin should be illegal. This is bad. But it's good. Sam : Okay. Well, just so I'm clear on these newly amended rules, I'm not allowed to have boys in the bedroom, but it's okay if I fool around with them out here on the couch. Is that correct? Julian : I think you should repeal the "no boys in the bedroom" rule. Brooke : You stay out of this. Sam : I'm with Julian. Brooke : You're killing me, Sam. Sam : I know. I'll have my headphones on tonight, just in case. Good night. Brooke : Oh, my god. It's not funny! Julian : Okay. Okay, maybe we should just continue this ... in your bedroom, preferably ... Brooke : Without our clothes. Yeah. Right. Julian : Should I be following you? I'll just let myself out. IN THE JUNKYARD Man : Tell me what you see. Where is the soul hidden within this image? Lucas : I don't know what that means. Julian : I think he's talking to himself. Lucas : I'm just curious, but what the hell are we doing in a junkyard? Man : There. That's Lucas' house. It's perfect. Lucas : No, no. It's, uh ... I didn't grow up here. You know, I-I actually had a pretty normal house. Man : Boring! There's no drama in "normal. I'm going for "8 mile" here. I want gritty. I'm thinking the entire movie should be shot with a handheld camera. Julian : Look, Pete, we want to keep in mind this is a true story. You know, it's okay to have a vision ... we love that. We ... we just don't want to rewrite history here. Man : This is the only place I can see our climactic scene happening! This is the spot where Lucas' rival gang kills his uncle Keith in a drive-by shooting! Lucas : Okay. I'm done here. IN THE HOSPITAL Dan : So, doc, tell me the truth. What are the chances of another heart becoming available? Doctor : Same as they were before ... not great. Dan : Well, that's comforting. Doctor : Don't give up hope. Just remember, even with those odds the last time, we were able to find you a heart. Dan : And it ended up going to someone else. Doctor : Yes. It saved a man's life. Dan : Well, we could just ask for it back, tell him we had dibs. Doctor : I'm afraid not. Dan : Didn't think so. Carrie : I said, shut up! Doctor : Just do yourself a favor. This is me when it goes off, call us. Dan : Okay. I'll try to avoid being kidnapped by some crazy bitch. Doctor : All you can do now is wait. AT BOBBY'S OFFICE Nathan : Devon makes that pass, we win the game. Bobby : Maybe. I wanted to talk to you about playing time. Nathan, you've been he five minutes. You're still learning the offense, not to mention a new position. Nathan : I know. And if the team were winning, we wouldn't be having this conversation. Bobby : You play the same position as the best player on this team. Devon scored 33 points last night. Nathan : And he had one assist, and that was off of an air ball they called a pass. Look, the job of the point guard is to get the rest of the team involved. So, unless he learns to pass the ball, this team's gonna keep losing. I ... I've seen it before. Bobby : You know what you sounded like just then? A coach. But you turned down that job, remember? Just gonna have wait your turn, Nate. Here. Take this. That's some of our new offensive sets. We'll see how they sink in, then maybe we'll talk about some playing time. My number's in there if you have any questions. Nathan : Yeah. Thanks, coach. AT THE RESTAURANT Lucas : Is that a new hat? Julian : Yeah. Why? Lucas : No reason. Julian : Am I not pulling it off? Lucas : Nah, it's fine. Julian : No. If it was fine, you wouldn't have mentioned it. It would just blend in. Paul : Okay. Let's hear it. What was wrong with this director? Too short? Too tall? Lucas : Too idiot. Paul : This is getting old, Lucas. Julian : No, dad. Lucas is right. This guy was not a good fit. Paul : Julian, you've been calling me "Paul" since you were 15,so don't start with the "dad" crap now. Lucas : All right, look. These directors that you've sent us ... they are all extremely talented, all right? They are. They're just not what we're looking for. Paul : Well, I'm sorry to hear that. It's time for me to step in. I have sent you six directors. Any one of them could make this movie. So it's real simple. Pick one. I don't care which one it is. Because if you don't, then I'm gonna take that stupid hat off of Julian's head and I'm gonna put all six choices inside of it and I'm gonna reach in and I'm gonna choose your director for you. Now, if you don't like that idea, you have until tomorrow to decide for yourself. Understood? AT SCOTT'S HOUSE Nathan : I'll try stilling to figure out how I ended up with such a talented wife. Haley : You just got lucky. Nathan : No. Getting lucky's how I got a son. Haley : So, how'd it go with the coach? Nathan : It looks like I won't be playing any time soon. Haley : Aw. Sorry, Nate. Nathan : It's okay. I think you and Jamie should skip the next few games, though. I don't want to let him down. Haley : Let him down? You're his hero. Nathan : Exactly I. It can't be easy to watch your hero sit on the bench. Haley : Maybe we go to those games to support you, whether you play or not. And besides, I think it's important for our son to see you not giving up. Nathan : Maybe you're right. Haley : I am. Besides, we're a team, right? We win together, and we lose together. Nathan : Right. AT CLOTHES OVER BROS Brooke : Where did you disappear to last night? I was waiting for you in my bed. Julian : That's not funny. Brooke : Yes, it is. Check it out. For the movie. What do you think? Julian : Very authentic. Brooke : Well, not yet. I have to age them down a little and put some patches on them, but I've had some experience with letterman jackets. Julian : I'm sure you have. Brooke : Oh, like you didn't have all the girls in your high school just begging to wear yours? Julian : No, I didn't play sports in high school. I never had a letterman jacket. Brooke : Really ? Well... Now you do. Julian : Did you make this for me? Brooke : Yep. And look at that. You lettered all four years in football. Not bad for someone who never played sports. Julian : Thanks, Brooke. Brooke : You're welcome. Julian : I'll see you later. Brooke : Okay. Peyton : Hi. Julian : See ya Peyton. Peyton : Really, Brooke? Brooke : What? Peyton : You two are totally having s*x! Brooke : No, we're not. Peyton : You so are! I can sense it! Brooke : Well, then, your senses are off, because we are not having s*x. And how much would you hate me if we were? Peyton : No, I wouldn't hate you. I mean, I know how he is. He's smart, and he's charming, and he gets into a lot of beds with that little scoundrel grin of his. Brooke : Yeah, I know that grin. Peyton : All right, well, there's something else you should know. The weekend that he broke up with me, he just jumped into bed with somebody else, okay? He flew off to Sundance, slept with some actress before I could even wipe away the tears, you know? It was all in the tabloids. And that's when I realized what a bad guy he is. You know, I just couldn't figure it out until then. So I want you to be careful, all right? 'Cause the second this movie's over, he's gonna be off on another movie with a new conquest. And before you know it, that charming guy with the sweet grin disappears. That's just who he is. AT SCOTT'S HOUSE Haley : Oh come on. What are you doing? Lucas : Haley, will you marry me? Haley : That is so creepy on so many levels. Lucas : Yeah, well, that's how that, uh, crazy director in L.A. wanted to end the movie. Haley : Seriously? Lucas : Yeah. Do you think Peyton will like it? Haley : Oh waouh ... I don't know, Luke. Girls usually hate getting big diamonds. I think she'll love it. It's just, I ... I always pictured you giving her Keith's ring. It meant so much to you. Lucas : The truth is, is I always hoped she'd wear that ring, too. Haley : So why did you buy this one? Lucas : Well, because I gave Keith's ring to Lindsey. Haley : She gave it back to you. Lucas : Yeah. I just wasn't sure if she'd want it after that. So I figured, you know, couldn't go wrong with a new ring. Haley : All right. Oh, Luke, it's stuck. Well, I guess I'll just have to keep it now. Sorry. AT CLOTHES OVER BROS Brooke : Did you forget something? Julian : No. I just couldn't stay away. Is everything okay? Brooke : Yes. No. I don't know. Julian : Well, which is it ... "yes," "no," or, "I don't know"? Brooke : I don't know. Look, the last thing that I want to do is make it awkward between us, but I need to know something. Is this going anywhere? Julian : This conversation? I have no idea. I'm completely lost. Brooke : I'm being serious, Julian. This ... you and me ... what are we ... what are we doing? Julian : I don't know. We're hanging out. We're having fun. Brooke : Right. Pretty much what I expected your answer to be. Julian : What's wrong with having fun? Brooke : Nothing. And in the past, I would have been fine with a fling. And I'm sorry that you missed out on that version of me. But my situation has changed. I'm really trying to set a good example for Sam, and I just don't know how to explain "just having fun" to her. Julian : So this is about Sam. Brooke : Sam, me ... Julian : Peyton? Brooke : Does it really matter? I mean, we both know you're gonna leave when the movie's over. Julian : There it is. Okay. Well, maybe we should just slow it down, focus on the movie. Brooke : And by "slow down," you mean slam on the brakes. Julian : Brooke, it sounds to me like you slammed on the brakes before I came in here. But you know what? It's okay. Whatever you want it to be. AT THE PARK Jamie : What's that, grandpa? Dan : That's the thing that makes noise when it's time for me to get better. Jamie : When is it supposed to make the noise? Dan : Wish I knew. Jamie : Me too. Dan : So, tell me, how's your dad? Jamie : He finally made the team, but he never gets to play. The team's not very good. They always lose. Dan : Well, that's okay. He always rises to the top, you know? It's not just about X's and O'S. It's about heart, and your dad has plenty of that. So don't worry. Jamie : Did you hear that? I think it made a sound. Dan : Not just yet, buddy. But when it does, you'll be the first to know. Eat your ice cream. Jamie : Okay. AT PEYTON'S STUDIO Mia : I want to play a song for you. Chase : Cool. Let's hear it. Mia : But this is good, too. All right. I'm gonna go sit over there ... in a second. Chase : Go play me your song, goof. Mia : Okay. So, I'm a little nervous. Chase : I thought you did this for a living. Mia : Yeah, but this is different. No one's ever heard this before. Chase : So I'm gonna be your first. Mia : We'll see. So, remember when we were talking the other night about flying over a city and how things look different from a distance? Well, you kind of inspired me to write this. So, promise you'll lie and say you love it if you hate it. Chase : I can do that. I can be a good liar for you. Mia : Well, hopefully, you won't have to be. NEAR THE LAKE Peyton : We're stopping. Why are we stopping? Lucas : Look where we are. Peyton : Luke, it's our spot. We haven't been here in years! Lucas : I have. When you were in L.A., I used to come here sometimes. We're using this as a location in the movie. Pretty good moment in our relationship. Peyton : Yeah. It was the beginning. You were so cute in your little tow truck. Lucas : Yeah, and you were so mean to me. Remember? First of all, you don't know me. Peyton : Second of all, you don't know me. And in my defense, you really didn't know me. Lucas : Oh, yes, I did. I always knew you. I have something for you. Now, we're already engaged, so I don't know if I'm supposed to get down on one knee, but ... Peyton : Oh, my god. Is that for me? Lucas : Yes. Do you like it? Peyton : Are you kidding? It's beautiful. I am so glad you always knew me. AT THE RIVER COURT Dan : Waouh. It's a good thing to see you haven't lost your shooting touch. So, I heard your team's lost five straight. I know how that feels. Actually, I don't. Nathan : Did you come here just to rub it in? Dan : No. I came to tell you that losing has its advantages. Nathan : Here we go. Some classic Dan Scott advice that doesn't apply to normal people. I'm all ears. What do you got for me? Dan : Losing always forces change, Nathan. Your time's coming. Nathan : I don't know about that. Best guy on the team plays in front of me. Dan : Oh, you know what I call the best player on a losing team. Nathan : A loser. Dan : Bingo. A loser. Right now, you're playing on his team, but pretty soon, he's gonna be playing on yours. Nathan : I'm not so sure about that. Dan : You're gonna get your chance, Nathan. We both know that. The thing is, when you do, will you be ready? Nathan : Will you make the most of it? See this? This thing's gonna decide whether or not I get a second chance. Dan : And I promise you ... If I do, I'm gonna make the most of it. Right now, all you can do is wait. AT PEYTON'S OFFICE Peyton : Can I help you? Paul! Oh, god, I was hoping I was gonna see you while you were in town! Paul : Your assistant let me in. Peyton : My assistant? Paul : Yeah, Mia. Cute little brunette. Peyton : Oh, god, no. That's not my assistant. That, um ... that is just an overly trusting recording artist. It's a good thing you're not a serial killer. We actually have those here in Tree Hill. Paul : I heard. So, look at you. You've become this big success. And most importantly, you look happy. Peyton : I'm kind of having a good day. Paul : Not bad. Lucas has good taste in jewelry and fianc . His taste in directors, however, is still in question. Peyton : I am staying way out of that argument. Paul : That's probably a good idea. It's good to see you, Peyton. How long has it been? Peyton : I mean ... I mean, it was before Sundance. Um, god, that was hard to forget. I spent that whole weekend crying. Paul : You know, my son has made a few mistakes in his life, but letting you get away easily tops the list. Peyton : The breakup was not hard on Julian. He was fine. In fact, I remember reading about him and that little a-list actress of his that weekend in Sundance. Paul : Peyton, you can't believe everything you read in Hollywood, you know that. Peyton : Paul, are you covering for him? Paul : Actually, no, because I planted that story. I was trying to promote a movie. Julian didn't even go to Sundance. He skipped his own movie premiere, he was so heartbroken. To be honest, I'm not sure he's ever fully recovered. Nice digs you got here. AT LUCAS'S HOUSE Lucas : Do you really think one of these guys can make this movie? Julian : They can all make the movie. The question is, which one of them will screw it up the least. Lucas : So that's our goal here? Find the best of the worst, huh? Julian : That is the plan, yes. Lucas : Fair enough. So, who's your first choice? Julian : All right, hear me out, 'cause you're gonna think I'm a little crazy, but I got to go with the British director. Lucas : Really? The guy made an incest movie with sock puppets. Julian : Yeah, but you got to admit, it had a certain style to it. And tell me you wouldn't want to see a little sock-puppet Lucas. Come on, admit it. AT SCOTT'S HOUSE Jamie : Whatcha doing, daddy? Nathan : Just doing a little homework. Jamie : There's homework in basketball? Nathan : Sure, there is. When I g on the court, I want to be ready, right? Jamie : Do you think you're ever gonna play? Nathan : I hope so. It's up to the coach, though. Jamie : Is he mean? Nathan : No, he's not mean. He's just ... just doing what he thinks is best for the team. You know what? I have an idea. Why don't you help me learn some of these plays? I could really use your help. Jamie : Really? Okay, I'll help. Nathan : Awesome. Come here. All right, see this play? That's called a four-out swing rattle, all right? That's when four players ... Jamie : So, you can't play until the coach wants you to? Nathan : Yeah. I just have to wait until then. All right. So, this play, I'm just gonna come down here, and I'm going to dribble this way. AT CLOTHES OVER BROS Lucas : I want one of those. Brooke : Well, I will make you one, but you are just gonna have to wait. Lucas : Julian didn't have to wait. Brooke : Is that what he told you ... that I didn't make him wait? Lucas : No, I came to the conclusion when he showed me his new jacket. Brooke : Right. Lucas : Brooke, are you and Julian ... Brooke : No, not at all. Okay, up until today, we were "having fun ..." his words, not mine ... but it ended before it started. He didn't tell you? Lucas : No. Since I don't really like Julian, we try to keep our conversations strictly about the movie. Brooke : Right. How is that going? Lucas : Oh, well, the director I met today wanted to make Lucas a gang member and have him living in a junkyard. Yeah. Brooke : Sounds gritty? Lucas : Oh, but he did want to put Brooke in a Mansion in Charlotte. Brooke : Now, that is a movie I would go see. Luke ... you don't have to compromise, not if you don't want to. The worst thing that could happen is for this movie to fail because they went with someone else's vision. Lucas : What do I do, Brooke? Brooke : Do whatever it takes. Just make sure they tell the story the way you remember it. AT SCOTT'S HOUSE Haley : Come in! Jamie : Mama, I need to use the phone. Haley : Well, okay, but who are you calling, little man? Peyton : Guess what I'm holding! Haley : It looks like a CD. Peyton : Oh, it is, but what's on it? Haley : Barry Manilow. Peyton : It's Mia's new song. Haley : Since when does Mia have a new song? Peyton : Since now. It's great. Give it! Jamie : Hi, this is Jamie Scott. We need to talk. Haley : Oh, I see Lucas gave you the ring! Peyton : What, you knew about it? Haley : Yeah. He proposed to me with it first, but I just had to turn him down. Peyton : Lucky me. Well, it's definitely beautiful. Haley : You don't sound very convincing. Peyton : No, I love it. Haley : I do. Peyton : I just ... I always envisioned wearing Keith's ring. Haley : Okay, I'm gonna tell you something, and you have to swear that you did not hear it from me. Peyton : I promise. Haley : Lucas really wanted to give you Keith's ring. He just thought you wouldn't want it since he already gave it to Lindsey. Jamie : So, you see, it's not all about X's and O's. It's about heart. I just think you should really think about that. Bobby : I will. You have a good night, Jamie. AT LUCAS'S HOUSE Julian : I thought we agreed on the bride Lucas : well, I changed my min Julian : well, Paul wants an answer today. Lucas : He'll get one. Julian : Well, what are we gonna tell him? Lucas : I haven't exactly figured that out yet, okay? Julian : Oh, okay. Well, when you do figure it out, I'm only the producer of the movie. Who's this? Lucas : You've got to be kidding me. Adam Reese : Lucas Scott, you son of a bitch! Thanks, Argyle. Hang tight. Car driver : My name is Jason. Adam Reese : Rent "die hard." It'll change your life. Julian : What are you doing here, Adam? Adam Reese : My agent tells me you guys are still having some trouble finding a director for this movie. I thought maybe I would come by and give you two dorks another chance. AT PEYTON'S STUDIO Chase : I have a surprise for you. Voil ? Think I finally perfected the long island iced tea. Mia : That took a little longer than it should have. Just saying. Chase : Promise me one thing? Even if you hate it, you'll lie and say you love it. Mia : Okay. It's good. Not great. I'm just kidding. I love it. But I'm also underage, and before I get you arrested, I think you should probably get back to the bar ... right after I kiss you again. I think you've perfected that, too. AT LUCAS'S HOUSE Adam Reese : Okay. I know what you guys are thinking. You're thinking about fast food, beer, and getting laid. Lucas : That's pretty much what I was thinking. Julian : It's like he read my mind. Adam Reese : I respect that! I do. I respect that. But you guys are also thinking about your movie. And I didn't fly all the way out here just so I could nail some flight attendant on the plane ... even though I did that. Julian : [Laughs] How'd she look? Adam Reese : Solid six, but that's not important. What important ... is why I should be directing this film. Now, Lucas, you wrote a good script, but that's not enough. What you two need is a director ... someone who can take your vision and translate it onto the big screen, baby! A director who knows when a scene isn't working, a director who can adapt to any situation. Gentlemen, that's what I do. That's what I know. Bottom line ... the three of us are gonna get more ass than a toilet seat in Yankee stadium. Lucas : Are you finished? Adam Reese : Depends if I have the job or not. Lucas : Okay, um ... let me tell you why you're not gonna direct this movie. Because you can't identify with this world. I mean, I want a director who can re-create the feeling that I get every time I step out onto the river court at night. I want someone who can explain to the audience why one song can instantly change Peyton's mood, someone who can recognize that there are two completely different sides to Brooke Davis, both of which are amazing. I want a director who can make the little things the big things. And you are just not the guy to do that. AT CLOTHES OVER BROS Peyton : Hey. Brooke : Hi. Peyton : I suck. True, but why this time? Peyton : Okay, all that stuff that I told you about Julian ... I just found out that some of my facts were not entirely accurate. Brooke : Like which facts? Peyton : Pretty much all of them. He didn't go and sleep with some other girl the weekend we broke up. In fact, he missed his own movie premiere. So it seems there is a possibility that Julian really is the nice guy I thought he was after all. Brooke : Well, thank you for that, but none of that changes the fact that you and I have been through way too much for me to violate the girl code now. Peyton : Oh, my god, Brooke."Girl code"? I'm engaged to your ex-boyfriend. You are so exempt from the girl code, it's not even funny. AT THE GYMNASIUM Nathan : Hey, Devon, you got a second? Devon : Want an autograph, 12, wait till after the game. Nathan : You're going heads-up with Alex beck tonight. He's a good defender. Quick NDS. Devon : I'm gonna eat that fool up. Nathan : I hope so, but he's leading the league in steals. You usually go right off the dribble. He's gonna be ready for that. Devon : Are you giving me tips? Nathan : I'm just trying to give you an advantage. Devon : I already got an advantage. It's called my god-given talent. So go sit on the bench and enjoy the show. Nathan : Okay. You do your thing. But after he picks your pocket a few times, you might want to switch to your left. AT THE BAR Paul : So, who's the lucky one, Lucas? Lucas : Well, first off, I just want you to know that we have given this a lot of thought. That being said, we've decided to choose ... none of them. Paul : Not the answer that I wanted to hear. Lucas : I know. Paul : So you know what I have to do now, right? Lucas : Look, I just ... I just believe we can do better. Paul : That's maybe true but times up. AT THE GYMNASIUM Man : That may be true, but time's up. Well, this feels like devour all over again. We're all tied up. Nine seconds left. Bobby : Let's bring it in. Let's bring it in. This is it. Time's up. Tie game. Last play. Here's what we're gonna do. Rhodes, set a high screed for Devon. Hit your spot. Devon, you're gonna find Rhodes cutting across the lane. You get him the ball. Devon : Wait. You're calling the play for Rhodes? Bobby : Devon, everybody in the building thinks you're taking the last shot. Devon : That's because I am! I'm here to put the ball in the basket. Bobby : You're here to help this team win. Devon : Whatever. Look, I'm taking the lost shot, or I'm taking a seat. Your call. Bobby : Okay. Take a seat. Scott, you're in. You know where you're supposed to be? Nathan : Yes, sir. Know exactly where I'm supposed to be. Bobby : What I want to ear. Let's run this play let's get "win" on 3 ... Team : 1, 2, 3 win Haley : Jamie, look. Daddy's going in! Jamie : Yeah! AT THE BAR Adam Reese : Paul. Appreciate you meeting me. Paul : You got two minutes. Tell me why you should direct this movie. Adam Reese : My movies have made a lot of money for a lot of studios, including yours. But I look at my rum? and there's something missing. I've yet to make that one quality movie, the one I'm proud of. I think this can be that movie. And ... because I identify with this world. I understand the feeling Lucas gets every time he steps on the river court at night. I can show the audience how a song can instantly change Peyton's mood. I recognize that there are two completely different sides to Brooke Davis, both of which are amazing. I want to make the little things the big things, Paul. I'm the guy to do it AT THE GYMNASIUM Dan : I hope you don't mind me coming. I kind of had a feeling about tonight. Nathan : Well, I didn't exactly light up the box score. Dan : Zero points, zero rebounds ... one assist. Best stat of the night. You know, I knew you'd make it. And I know I don't get to be part of it ... but I am so proud of you, son. AT LUCAS'S HOUSE Peyton : Can I talk to you? Lucas : Yeah. Sure. Is everything okay? Come here. What's up? Peyton : I can't accept this ring. I mean, it's beautiful, and I love it. I just ... it's not the ring that I want to wear. I always dreamed I'd be wearing Keith's ring, and I know how much it means to you, so that's the ring I want to wear for the rest of my life. Lucas : You sure? Now it's right where it belongs. Peyton : And it will be forever. AT BROOKE'S HOUSE Brooke : Hi. Julian : I want you to have this. Brooke : And what is this supposed to mean? Julian : It means we're going steady. Brooke : This isn't a game, Julian. Julian : I know. When I first got here, everyone thought I came for a girl ... the girl in the book. But I only came here to make a movie. But now it turns out everyone was right. I am here for the girl in the book ... the other girl. Brooke : Maybe we should ... continue this in my bedroom ... preferably ... Brooke / Julian : Without our clothes. AT LUCAS'S HOUSE Reese : You son of a bitch! Lucas : What do you want, Reese? Reese : I just wanted to come by and give you the good news myself. I'm directing the movie. Done! I signed on tonight! You and I are gonna have some fun. Oh, I've got a couple thoughts about that last scene. Don't worry about it. We'll talk tomorrow ... partner.

Problems arise when Lucas and Julian try to find a new director. Peyton is puzzled by a present from Lucas and Brooke battles with some complications in her love life. This episode is named after a song by The Maine .

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[PREVIOUSLY_ON] Caroline: If Stefan wants to save Sarah's life, all he has to do is shut his humanity off. Damon: Stefan without his humanity is one artery away from Stefan the ripper. Elena: Your mother is alive? Damon: In a prison world of 1903. Lily: (confused) And you believe that I can reconnect Stefan with his humanity? Damon: (smacks the table and stands up) Pack your bags. Lily: (stands up as well) Wonderful! (She laughs in excitement) I'll alert the others, hmm? Damon: She has a vampire dollhouse. Damon: They're not coming. Lily: They are my family. Damon: I will leave you here to rot. We'll come back for them. Bonnie: (whispering) We're never going back there, right? Damon: No! We're not! Enzo: You've been a pawn in a game that I've now lost interest in playing. You're no ordinary girl, Sarah Salvatore. Sarah: Why would you call me that? Bonnie: I have something for you. Damon: The cure to vampirism. Bonnie: I knew you wanted it for Elena. Damon: (stunned) What if I don't want it for her now? [SCENE_BREAK] [ SCULL BAR ] (It's late, and the bar has just closed for the night. A bartender has almost finished cleaning up before he can go home for the night, and just as he shuts off the lights, he hears a whooshing sound behind him. When he turns around, the chair he has just stacked on top of the table is back on the floor, which confuses him) Bartender: (weirded out) OK... (He puts the chair back up on the table, but when he turns around, a liquor bottle has been knocked over on the bar by an invisible invisible force, and the alcohol is pouring itself all over the floor) Bartender: (annoyed) Oh, come on. (He walks toward the bar) OK, who's messing with me? Chris, are you up there? (He pauses, but gets no answer) Dick. (He starts to clean up the spilled alcohol when suddenly, the body of his coworker Chris is dropped onto a nearby table from above. His throat is bloody, and he's clearly dead) Bartender: (horrified) Oh, God. Chris? Chris? (Out of nowhere, a male voice calls out to the bartender. It's Stefan) Stefan: Boo. (He shakes his head in disappointment just as Caroline appears on the steps to the upper level, looking offended) Caroline: (scoffs) Are you booing me? Stefan: Boo! Caroline: (indignant) I scared him. (She turns to the bartender) I scared you, right, with the whole chair flippy and the bottle thing? (Stefan shrugs, not at all impressed by her efforts) Bartender: (scared) Who are you people? Caroline: Oh! I'm Caroline... (She gestures to Stefan, who waves to him) .. this is Stefan. (She points to Chris' body) And that... Mmm... was delicious. (She turns to Stefan) Taste. (Stefan goes over to Chris' body and tastes his blood) Stefan: (happily) Mmm. Bartender: ...What's going on? Stefan: Well, Caroline and I had a little bet that she would scare you to death. Caroline: (interrupts him) Like, literally scare you to death. Stefan: But you have to understand this is her first time messing with somebody, so she didn't realize the whole dead body shock-drop thing is a complete cliche. Bartender: (angrily) Cliche? This guy was my friend. Caroline: Well, then why aren't you freaking out, a panic attack, heart attack? Come on, give me something. (The bartender does start to freak out, to the point that he tries to run away, but Caroline vamp-speeds over to him and blocks his path, staring him deeply in the eyes as she does so) Caroline: (compels him) I don't think you heard me. You're having a heart attack. Bartender: (scoffs) What are you... (He starts to groan and cough painfully) My... my chest. What's happening? (The sound of his rapidly beating heart becomes louder and louder) Stefan: (drolly) She's cheating. That's what's happening. Bartender: (gasps) Ugh. Please help me. Stefan: (sighs) All right. Just relax. It's mental. You only think you're having a heart attack. Caroline: (mockingly) Now your throat's tightening. (She grabs her own throat and fake coughs as the bartender grabs his throat and gags) You can't breathe. (Caroline giggles gleefully as the bartender falls to his knees and gasps desperately for breath) Caroline: Oh, my God! Are those spiders all over your body? (The man moans in agony as he starts rolling all over the floor, and Stefan sighs exasperatedly. After a long moment, the bartender's heart stops beating, and he finally dies) Caroline: (happily) Hmm. Look at that. I won. Poor guy was so scared that he died of a heart attack. Stefan: (indignant) No, that's not fair. Technically, he died of a loophole. Caroline: A win is a win. So, you know what we do now? Stefan: (sighs and grumbles) Yes, unfortunately I do. Karaoke. (Rock music starts to play, and Caroline smiles and raises her eyebrows suggestively) [SCENE_BREAK] [ SALVATORE BOARDING HOUSE ] (Enzo has just driven Sarah to the boarding house, where they have just departed Enzo's car in the driveway. When they get to the front step, Enzo knocks on the door) Sarah: So you drag me out of a hospital bed, waste a tank of gas driving around all night just to bring me to a house in the middle of nowhere? Enzo: (sighs) As soon as this door opens, you are not my problem anymore. Sarah: When have I ever been your problem? Enzo: Since your great-great-great uncle Stefan nearly got you killed. Sarah: (confused) What? Enzo: It's time for you to meet your real family. (Suddenly, the door opens to reveal Lily, dressed in modern clothes, standing in the foyer. She seems confused to see Enzo and Sarah standing there. When Enzo sees her, he is shocked speechless) Lily: Hello? Are you looking for my son? Enzo: (gulps nervously) My mistake. (Lily looks at him closely, as though she may recognize him) Lily: I'm sorry, have... have we... Enzo: (quickly cuts her off) I've got the wrong house. Heh. Terribly sorry to disturb you. (Lily looks confused as she shuts the door, and Enzo roughly grabs Sarah by the arm and pulls her back toward the car. They're silent until they get back on the road, when Sarah finally speaks) Sarah: What the hell was that? Enzo: I've met that woman before, in 1903. Sarah: (incredulously) What?! Enzo: She's the one who turned me into a vampire. (Inside the house, Damon and Elena have just finished taking a shower, and are each only wearing towels as the nuzzle against each other and slow dance with no music. After a moment, Elena wrinkles her nose curiously) Elena: Do you smell something? Damon: (inhales) Hmm. Mom's cooking. Elena: Is that bacon? Damon: Yeah, or some baby she abducted from a nearby village. Elena: (giggles) Hey. Shh, she can hear us. You have to give her a chance, just like I gave you one. She's your mother. Damon: No, she is a tool to get Stefan's humanity back, because there is no doubt that he and Caroline are fangs-deep in bodies right now. So, the sooner we get our supernatural-born killers out of circulation, the better. (Elena smiles and starts looking around for her clothes) Elena: Have you seen my t-shirt? Damon: (smirks) I prefer you without one. Elena: I'm not so sure your mom would feel the same way. (Elena opens up the top drawer of Damon's dresser, but before she can look inside, an alarmed Damon vamp-speeds over and stops her by handing her his own tshirt) Damon: (shrugs) Take mine. (Elena looks confused, but simply shrugs and takes the shirt from him. Once she's out of earshot, Damon looks inside the drawer, where he has stashed the cure Elena gave him) (Downstairs, Damon and Elena have sat down at the kitchen table for breakfast with Lily. Elena looks impressed at the spread) Elena: Wow! Lily (to Elena): (smiles) This was always Damon's favorite... "Eggie in baskie." Damon (to Lily): (takes a bite) Doesn't taste like I remember. Lily (to Damon): Well, you were human the last time you tasted it. Our tastes change over time. But, Elena, you're fairly new at this, aren't you? Elena: (nods) I turned a few years ago. Lily: You ever miss it, being human? (Damon shoots Lily a look) Elena: (shrugs) Sometimes. Lily: So if I understood correctly, um, in order to free my companions from that place where I was trapped, we'll need the magical device. Damon: The Ascendant. Lily: Yes. The Ascendant. Where is that? Damon: (awkwardly) Safe. Very safe. Lily: And we'll also need a celestial event. Damon: We'll have to do some digging, yeah. Be patient, they take time. They're very rare. Lily: There's a full moon coming up. Will that work? If not, the Lyrids meteor shower is in two weeks. Damon: (sarcastically) Well, look at you. If you're not a one-woman "Farmer's Almanac". Lily: Actually, I took your advice, and I've been dabbling on Stefan's computer. What a wondrous invention... All that knowledge. Damon: And videos of cats riding robot vacuum cleaners. (Suddenly, Elena's phone beeps, and when she checks it, she finds a text message that makes her gasp in shock) Damon: (concerned) Everything OK? Elena: It's Jo. Someone's been attacking people at Whitmore. Damon: (sighs) Let me guess... One of them's blond, and the other one liked turning people into human pez dispensers. Elena: That's exactly what I'm gonna find out. (She stands and turns to Lily with an apologetic smile) Thank you so much for breakfast. (Elena leaves, and Damon and Lily look at each other awkwardly) [SCENE_BREAK] [ ON THE ROAD ] (Enzo and Sarah are still driving in Enzo's car, where Sarah is continuing to question him about what just happened at the boarding house) Sarah: Who is that woman, and how do you even know who my family is? How do I not know this? Enzo: Because your uncle Stefan compelled you to forget to keep you a secret from your other uncle, Damon, after he killed your parents, and you would have shared their fate had it not been for your other uncle. Sarah: (horrified) That's who you were taking me to? Enzo: Well, actually, no. The good brother recently went bad, and I was hoping to leave you in the care of the bad brother, who actually is less bad now than the good brother. Sarah: (stunned) I don't understand any of this. Enzo: Yeah. Look. I can try repeating it, luv, but it won't be any clearer the second time. (Sarah sighs, clearly overwhelmed, and looks out the passenger window) Look. You wanted to know who that woman is? She's the most dreadful person I've ever met. [SCENE_BREAK] [ FLASHBACK: SOUTH HAMPTON, ENGLAND, 1903 ] (A sick, human Enzo, dressed in a newsboy cap and a brown jacket with a tan vest and slacks, is outside of the South Hampton Trading Line, trying to get onto the ship at the port. He's shoved backward into a pallet by a dockworker) Dockworker: Unh! No sick passengers! (Enzo wheezes as he desperately pulls his ticket out of his wallet) Enzo: I have a ticket. I've paid. Dockworker: (takes the ticket and rips it up) Oh, yeah? Well, we're not running a sick ward. (Enzo is overcome by a coughing fit and falls to his knees) Enzo: (coughing and gasping) There's a doctor on that ship. He can help me. Dockworker: (sneers) Get lost, mate, before you infect us all with your consumption. (Enzo continues coughing, and after a moment, the dockworker violently kicks him in the face. He starts coughing up blood onto the ground when suddenly, he hears the sounds of broken bones, followed by the dockworker's body falling limply to the ground with a snapped neck. Enzo is horrified and scrambles onto his hands and knees, but when he looks up, he finds Lily standing over him, wearing the same white dress and burgundy jacket she was wearing when she was imprisoned. She holds her white-gloved hand out for him to take and helps him up to his feet) Enzo: (frightened) Who are you? Lily: Someone who sees you need a doctor. Enzo: (laughs defeatedly) Well, I... I appreciate that, but even if I could get past quarantine, I seem to have lost my ticket. Lily: I can be of some help with that. Come. We don't have much time. (In voiceover, Enzo narrates the story for Sarah) Enzo (V.O.): I thought I was on my way to a new life, aided by the classiest woman I'd ever met. By the time the ship docked in New York harbor, every soul on board was dead, including me. (In the present, Enzo and Sarah are still on the road in his car, and Enzo stares Sarah straight in the eyes) Enzo: (compels her) You're going to forget everything you know about your real family. You're going to wake up safe in your dorm, having forgotten you ever heard the name Salvatore. (Sarah stares at him for a long moment) Sarah: Or you're finally gonna tell me the whole story. Enzo: (sighs in annoyance) You're on vervain. Sarah: Yeah. Your friend Matt stopped by the hospital and gave me some. (She suddenly pulls out a syringe full of vervain and stabs Enzo in the neck with it) Enzo: Unh. (He quickly begins to lose consciousness, and Sarah takes control of the steering wheel) [SCENE_BREAK] [ SCULL BAR ] (Caroline and Stefan are still at the bar so that Caroline can have the karaoke day that she wanted. She's on the stage singing Pat Benetar's "Hit Me With Your Best Shot," and the bar's patrons, who are mostly Whitmore students studying for their classes, look unhappy with the loud noise. Finally, a female student loses her temper) Caroline: Well, you're a real tough cookie With a long history Of breaking little hearts like the one in me That's ok, let's see how you do it Put up your dukes, and let's get down to it Hit me with your best shot Why don't you hit me with your best shot? Hit me with your best shot Female student: Hey, Taylor Swift. We're trying to study here. (Caroline smiles and wags her finger at the girl, who scoffs) Where's the manager in this place? (Stefan, having heard the commotion, goes to talk to the girl) Stefan: Someone ask for the manager? (Outside the bar, Matt and Tyler have just finished training for the police academy and are talking as they approach the restaurant) Tyler: (indignant) I didn't break his ribs. He got the wind knocked out of him. Matt: Guy was out for 20 seconds. Tyler: (shrugs) Maybe he's not cut out for a tactical training program. We're not there to bust up keggers. Matt: (laughs) You want some food? Tyler: (corrects him) You want some food, "Officer Lockwood"? Matt: (shakes his head) Dork. (Tyler and Matt walk into the bar to find Caroline still singing "Hit Me With Your Best Shot. They both look confused and unnerved, especially when they see Stefan holding a bloody knife and sitting next to the compelled female student from earlier, who is currently dripping the blood from her cut palm into a coffee cup for him. All of the patrons are now staring at Caroline intensely, suggesting that they have been compelled to watch her sing silently) Caroline: Hit me with your best shot Why don't you hit me with your best shot? Come on, hit me with your best shot Fire away-ay Tyler: (warily) What did we just walk into? Stefan: Oh, look. It's the police officers in training. Are you guys here to arrest us? (He points the knife at the girl and compels her) You can go away now. (The girl looks freaked out as she cradles her injured hand in her other arm and rushes away. Stefan simply shrugs and drinks her blood from the mug) Tyler: (horrified) What the hell are you doing? Stefan: I'm just enjoying the music. You guys want next song? Matt: We should get out of here. (Stefan vamp-speeds around them to block them from exiting) Stefan: No. Stay. Caroline's taking requests. (Matt and Tyler gulp nervously and glare at Stefan) [SCENE_BREAK] [ ON THE ROAD ] (An unhappy-looking Damon is driving his Camaro with Lily in the passenger seat as they make their way to Whitmore to look for Stefan and Caroline. Damon's driving is a little erratic, which seems to be mildly frightening for his mother. After a moment, Damon hands Lily his phone) Damon: Here. Text Elena. Tell her we're headed to campus to check it out. (Lily looks at him in confusion) See those letters? Think of it as a tiny typewriter. (Lily looks puzzled as she hesitantly touches the phone's keyboard, and when it works, she smiles) Lily: Oh. You're right. Damon: Mm-hmm. (Lily starts to narrate her text as she types) Lily: "My Dearest Elena, I hope this finds you well..." (Damon rolls his eyes at Lily's old-fashionedness) Damon: No, no. Short and sweet. Just "Headed to campus." (Lily gives him a puzzled look) Yeah. Then, when we find them, I'll take care of Caroline, you look Stefan right in the eyes... Lily: (narrates as she types) And I will return him to the man he used to be. Damon: Exactly. Lily: And once we've done that, then we will go rescue my friends? Damon: Sure. I know how terribly concerned you are about that. Lily: (continues typing) How shall I end it? With an, "I love you?" Damon: Knock yourself out. Lily: You do love her, don't you? Damon: Not that that's any of your business, but, yes, I do. And she loves me. We're in the love. Lily: (quietly) And you're afraid you'll ruin all that if you give her the cure. (Damon gives her a shocked look) Last night, when your friend Bonnie was over... Damon: You spied on me? Lily: Well, I didn't mean to eavesdrop. I'm just not used to hearing other voices. I... Damon: (exasperated) Really? Lily: Couldn't help but listen, and it's not every day that one hears something so rare as the cure for vampirism. Damon: (grimaces) Well, let's not bring this up to anyone else, OK? Lily: You mean, don't bring it up with Elena. Damon: I don't even know if she wants the cure. Lily: Yet you fear she might and that if you give it to her you'll lose her. (Damon shoots her another look) We're more alike than you care to admit, Damon. Neither of us can bear the thought of being alone. [SCENE_BREAK] [ WHITMORE MEDICAL CENTER ] (Elena is in her volunteer uniform and has just finished helping out with a patient when she heads toward Jo to update her on the patient's condition) Elena: He's unconscious, but I gave him some of my blood, and his vitals have stabilized. Jo: (worried) The more these victims pile up, the harder it is to hide the reason they're here. Elena: Yeah, I know. That's why I'm hoping that Damon and his mom find them soon. Jo: (confused) I'm sorry. Did you just say Damon's mom? Isn't she dead? (Elena looks shocked that Jo hasn't been updated on recent events, and pulls her aside so they can speak privately) Elena: (slowly) No. She was trapped in a 1903 prison world, where Kai is currently trapped. Jo: (stunned) Kai is in a 1903 prison world? Elena: (guiltily) I'm sorry. Has nobody told you this? (Jo gives her a very exhausted and overwhelmed look) Jo: I'm on hour 13 of a 12-hour shift. Maybe someone could have shot me a text? Elena: (even more guilty) I'm... sorry. Jo: So, Kai's gone? Elena: (smiles) As in for good. (Jo sighs in relief and unconsciously cups her abdomen, which is not yet showing signs of pregnancy, with her hand. Elena definitely takes notice of this gesture, and her eyes widen in surprise when she realizes what it means) Jo: Oh, that's amazing news. Like, really amazing news. Elena: (shocked) You're pregnant. (Jo looks at her with wide eyes and giggles nervously before nodding in confirmation. Elena looks both happy for her and also mildly jealous, but she tries to cover it up) Elena: (smiles) I was wondering why you switched to decaf, especially while working a 13-hour shift. Jo: The last thing this baby needs is an uncle Psychopath. Elena: You and Alaric are having a baby. I... (Jo laughs excitedly again, and Elena pulls her into a hug) Jo, this is... this is amazing. I... I'm so happy for you! [SCENE_BREAK] [ SARAH'S APARTMENT - NORTH CAROLINA ] (Enzo wakes up on Sarah's couch after being vervained by Sarah in the car. His wrists have been bound behind his back, and when he looks up at Sarah, she simply glares at him) Enzo: (impressed) Little old you did all this? (He sighs) You've made a mistake. Sarah: I know, starting with trusting my vampire stalker, who arranged for me to befriend some blue-eyed bartender, all so I could witness him getting run over, and you playing the part of the hero. (Enzo looks surprised) While you were sleeping, I went through your phone, saw your texts to Matt. Enzo: Well, that saves me an awkward conversation. Sarah: (unamused) I am such an idiot for ever trusting you. Enzo: Don't beat yourself up. I remember what it was like to be so naive. [SCENE_BREAK] [ FLASHBACK: ATLANTIC OCEAN, 1903 ] (Enzo and Lily have made it on board the ship, where they have finally been able to meet with the doctor Enzo was hoping could help him. Enzo is reclined in a patient exam chair while the doctor listens to his lung sounds with a stethoscope and discusses his condition) Doctor: The bacilli have spread to most of your lungs, carving out cavities in the tissue. The bleeding will continue. Enzo: (weakly) You can stop it? Doctor: I believe so, but the dosage required at this late stage is expensive. Lily: Payment isn't an issue, provided your curative is effective. Doctor: I can assure you it is. Lily: (compels him) How many people have you saved with this? Be truthful. Doctor: (dazed) None. I promise them health and sell them lavender mixed with castor oil. (Lily looks angry, and Enzo looks betrayed) Enzo: What? Why are you saying that? I thought you could help me. Lily: (unhappily) He lied. (She compels the doctor again) What is this man's true prognosis? Doctor: He'll die within the week. Chances are, he'll never see land again. Lily: (furious) Leave us. (The doctor leaves, and Lily turns to Enzo with a sympathetic expression) Enzo: You should go as well. I do not wish to repay your acts of kindness by affecting you. (Lily brushes a lock of hair off of Enzo's forehead) Lily: You can't. I've already had consumption. Enzo: (confused) How did you survive? Lily: I didn't. Enzo: What are you, an angel? [SCENE_BREAK] [ SCULL BAR ] (Caroline has just finished another karaoke song, and is laughing gleefully. Matt and Tyler are still at the bar, and neither look very happy to be there) Caroline: Ha ha ha! Tyler: (annoyed) Look. We listened to you sing, we clapped our hands. Can we go now? Caroline: Let's play Caroline Trivia. Tyler: I don't even know what that is. Caroline: Oh, sure you do! You both dated me, which means you should know everything about me, so I'm gonna ask you some questions about myself, and whoever answers them right lives. Matt: You're sick. Caroline: (ignores him) When is my birthday? Tyler! Tyler: (sighs) October 10. Caroline: Very good. Alright, Matt. Your turn. What is my favorite color? Matt: That's a trick question. You don't have a favorite color. Caroline: (laughs) Correct! Ha ha ha! OK, now a tiebreaker. Whoever answers first wins. What was my mom's final memory before she died? Tyler: (frustrated) How would we even begin to know that? Caroline: Oh, I'm sure I mentioned it at some point. Matt: No, you didn't. Caroline: (shrugs) Come on. Ticktock, ticktock. Judges are waiting for a final answer. What was my mom's final memory before she kicked the bucket? (Stefan returns from the back of the restaurant) Stefan: Well, looks like, uh, Whitmore's gonna need a new philosophy T.A. (He looks over at Caroline) Hmm. Your mom was teaching you how to ride a bike. Caroline: (excitedly) Bingo! And Stefan wins, which means you two lose, which isn't that bad actually because now it just means we get to kill the both of you. [SCENE_BREAK] [ WHITMORE MEDICAL CENTER ] (Jo and Elena are discussing the victims they've been treating at the hospital) Jo: Judging from the victims, they started at the library, they took out a couple security guards near the football field, and then they wandered over to the movie theater. Elena: (exasperated) You know what the most shocking part of all this is? I'm not shocked. Jo: Doctor 101... Becoming desensitized goes with the territory. Elena: Actually, the reason why I'm not shocked is because I've been in their shoes, and I was just as bad, and this is all just one big horrible reminder that there's always gonna be a part of me that's capable of doing what they're doing. Jo: (sympathetically) But you're not gonna let that happen. You're gonna be too busy running your small-town family practice and curing little Stevie from the chicken pox. Elena: For a while maybe until little Stevie becomes teenage Steven and I haven't aged a day. Jo: Have you told Damon about this? Elena: (confused) What do you mean? Jo: I saw how you reacted when you found out I was pregnant. Elena: (embarrassed) Well, I... Jo: (cuts her off) And the next eternity of your life flashed before your eyes, and it scared the hell out of you. Elena: I... I'm just happy for you and Alaric. Jo: Alaric, who used to be a vampire, now is a human having a kid. Have you discussed this with your boyfriend? Elena: He knows how I feel, but he also knows that there's nothing we can do to change that, so there's no point in dwelling. (Jo doesn't seem to believe her, but she just shrugs) Jo: OK. (Elena nods in emphasis) [SCENE_BREAK] [ SARAH'S APARTMENT - NORTH CAROLINA ] (Enzo still has his hands bound behind his back as he lays on Sarah's couch, and Sarah continues to question him on what he's been doing with her) Sarah: So how do I know you're not the one who's been mind-controlling me, making me believe this messed up family history? Enzo: You were ripped from the womb of a dead woman. Stefan compelled away the truth, but the emotional scars still linger. How else do you explain your morbid fascinations, hmm? (He looks around her room at all the different artwork hanging on her walls) The... the hanging of Mary Surratt... heh... is hardly a motivational poster, now is it? Sarah: Yeah. Well, there's mething about death that I find... I don't know... Enzo: (finishes her sentence) Alluring? Well, let me tell you, you can't truly appreciate death until you've stood at its precipice. [SCENE_BREAK] [ FLASHBACK: ATLANTIC OCEAN, 1903 ] (Enzo is still laying on the exam table, pale and weakened from tuberculosis, while Lily is blotting sweat from his face and blood from his mouth at his bedside. As she works, she hums Brahms' "Lullaby" to him) Enzo: I haven't heard that song since I was a boy. Lily: (smiles) I know. Enzo: Why are you doing this? Lily: Is it so hard to believe someone could do you a kindness? Enzo: I was abandoned at a workhouse at the age of 4. It was not a place known for its kindness. (Enzo coughs and gasps, and Lily looks at him with sympathy) Lily: I, too, know what it is to be tossed aside like rubbish. I was sent to a sanatorium to rot, left to die, abandoned by my own husband, who prayed the end would come quickly not so that I would be spared pain and misery but so that he would be unburdened by me, but I was given a reprieve, and it was only once I was unshackled from a life that didn't want me that I found my true family. Enzo: Is that where you're heading, to meet them? Lily: (smiles) No. I could never bear to be apart from them. They're here, traveling with me. Like you and I, they're outcasts. You could join us. You'd never be alone again. (Enzo smiles weakly at the thought of her offer, but is quickly overcome by an even stronger coughing fit, which causes him to spit up a large amount of blood. Lily helps him lay back down when it passes, but Enzo has only become paler and weaker) Enzo: It would appear the end is coming. Lily: (smiles comfortingly) Or the beginning. (She spots a scalpel on a nearby table and uses it to slice open her palm. She drinks the blood into an empty glass before handing it to Enzo) Lily: Drink this, Lorenzo. [SCENE_BREAK] [ WHITMORE COLLEGE ] (Damon and Lily have just arrived to one of the buildings full of classrooms and laboratories, and are walking down the hall while they discuss what they know) Lily: If your brother's on the hunt, he won't be staying in one place. Damon: Yeah? Well, we have to start somewhere. Elena said she treated some kid who was attacked coming out of modern European history. (He pauses for a moment when he receives a text message from Elena to update him on what she knows) Well, well. Mother knows best. Elena said they're at Scull Bar. Come on. Lily: (anxiously) We have yet to discuss what we'll do if Stefan fails to remember me. Damon: (confused) What, are you kidding? You're his mother. Of course he's gonna remember you. (He stops and looks her in the eye) Tell me you can do this. Lily: What if I say the wrong thing? A century and a half is a long time to be away. Damon: You'll be fine. (He starts to walk away toward the bar, and Lily follows behind him) Just channel whatever you were feeling when you came back to get us. Lily: (puzzled) When I came back to get you? Damon: Yeah. 1903. You found out we were vampires, you landed in New York harbor after a 40-year romp in Europe, and you... (Damon stops and realizes by the look on Lily's face that his assumptions were completely wrong) Damon: Oh. You weren't coming to get us. Lily: (embarrassed) No. I wasn't. I'm sorry. (Damon looks momentarily devastated, but he pushes it down in favor of the task at hand) Damon: You can do this. All we have to do is just try. Lily: I have been trying, Damon. Since I laid my eyes on you yesterday, I have been trying with all of my heart to reconnect with the woman who was your mother, to remember what it felt like to mourn you and your brother after I was banished by your father. After I was turned, the only thing more powerful than the longing I felt for you was the fear of what I would I do if I ever saw you again. So I stayed away. I had to find others who could help me find my way back myself, and... By the time my new family helped me to do that, everything I felt for my old family, for you and your brother was gone. I hate that I can't make myself feel more. I'm so sorry. (Damon is clearly upset and hurt by these words, and gulps anxiously as Lily, whose eyes are filled with tears, walks away from him) [SCENE_BREAK] [ SCULL BAR ] (Tyler and Matt are still sitting at the bar, which is now otherwise empty of people, and are glaring at Stefan and Caroline while they continue their mayhem spree. Caroline has just flipped a coin and has covered it up with her hand, and Stefan is seated at a nearby table and watches them with interest) Caroline: (to Stefan) Heads, I kill Tyler, and tails, I kill Matt. Deal? Stefan: Sounds good to me. (Caroline looks at both boys for a moment before walking over to Tyler and holding her hands out to show him the coin. Before she can uncover it, however, Tyler angrily shoves her hands out of the way) Stefan: Ooh! Looks like somebody's angry. Caroline: (rolls her eyes) He's a wolf. It's his resting face. Tyler: You wonder why everyone hates vampires? Look at you, messing with people for no reason. That's really brave. (Tyler suddenly loses his temper, stands to his feet, and grabs his chair before smashing it into pieces against the table. He takes a broken piece in his hand to use as a makeshift stake and throws a bigger piece in Stefan's direction, which flies over his head and misses him. Stefan and Caroline giggle in amusement as they walk over to them, but Matt just looks concerned) Matt: What are you doing? Stefan: (laughs) Are you serious? Tyler: (aggressively) What's wrong, Stefan? Not used to people fighting back? Stefan: No, actually, I'm just not used to people being this stupid. (Caroline giggles. Matt, worried about what all three of them are capable of doing, tries to mediate) Matt: Alright, Ty, stop. He will kill you. (He turns to Stefan) Stefan, he's sorry. Caroline: (laughs mockingly and walks over to Tyler) Ha ha! See that little vein in his forehead? I used to think it was so sexy, but now I'm pretty sure it's just all the blood leaving his brain. Tyler: (sneers) Screw you, Caroline. (Tyler picks up the stake and points it threateningly at Caroline and Stefan) Tyler: Come on. Either of you, come at me. Matt: Ty, stop! Stefan: Hey, Caroline. I will gladly kill him for you, but I know what a jerk he was during your relationship, so if you want... Caroline: (stares at Tyler and smiles) I want. Come on, Tyler. I dare you. Matt: (anxiously) Ty, stop. She will kill you. Tyler: Get out of here, Matt. (Tyler lunges for Caroline and is about to drive the stake into her abdomen, but Caroline vamp-speeds over to Matt, grabs him, and uses him as a human shield, causing Tyler to inadvertently stab Matt in the stomach with the stake instead. Tyler looks horrified when he sees Matt groaning and sputtering in pain and pulls out the stake. Behind Caroline, Stefan is chuckling in amusement) Caroline: Nice going, Tyler. [SCENE_BREAK] [ WHITMORE COLLEGE ] (Damon is sitting in one of the chairs of Alaric's lecture hall while he talks to Elena on the phone) Elena: (in disbelief) She flat-out told you that she didn't love you? Damon: Well, she was her overly proper self, but, yeah, that was the gist of it, but, hey, you know, I'm not planning on honoring my end of the plan by jail-breaking her friends, so... tch... figure we're even. Elena: (rolls her eyes) Damon. Damon: Nah, it's fine. 150 years is a long time to care. Elena: Says the guy who pined for Katherine Pierce for over a century and a half. Damon: (chuckles) Heh. Elena: It's OK to feel hurt, Damon. She was the second woman to abandon you. Damon: (smiles) Says the woman who never has. Look, you can sit here and flirt with me, or you can help me come up with a "plan B", because Lily's a no-go. Elena: (thinks for a moment) Stefan doesn't know how she feels... Damon: Stefan's also not a moron. Elena: (hopefully) Any chance your mom's a good liar? (Damon, now off the phone with Elena, has finally caught up with Lily in one of the hallways) Damon: Where the hell are you going? Lily: (upset) Anywhere. I don't know. Let me be. (Damon grabs her by the arm and stops her) Damon: (annoyed) No. Now you listen. Hey! I have one solution to this, and it's you, so you're gonna walk over to that bar, and you're gonna give the performance of your lifetime, or you can kiss your desiccated vampire family good-bye. Understood? Lily: What if I fail to bring him back? Damon: You won't fail. Lily: I need to be assured that regardless of the outcome with your brother today I can trust you to help me get my people back. Damon: (frustrated) I told you a hundred times we'll get them back. Lily: (suspiciously) And is that the truth? Damon: Why would I lie? Lily: Damon. You have the power to give your greatest love the human life she desires, and you have yet to be truthful with her. (Damon is rendered speechless by this response, and when Lily gives him a look that says, "My point exactly," Damon sighs and pulls the Ascendant out of his jacket pocket before handing it over to her as a sign of good faith) Damon: (stares at Lily) Showtime. [SCENE_BREAK] [ SARAH'S APARTMENT - NORTH CAROLINA ] (Enzo is still tied up on Sarah's couch, and she has pulled out her camera and tripod to take photos of him while they talk) So some good samaritan vampire saves you from dying, gives you superstrength, mind control, and you never grow old. Sounds like a pretty good deal to me. Yeah. That's because you don't know about the hunger. I was awakened by the deafening sound of waves lapping against the ship, blinded by the faint glow of the northern lights. Every one of my senses intensified to the point of pain but none more than the insatiable craving for blood. What happened here? The woman who helped you, she killed them all. Everyone's dead. Where is she? I don't know. She told me to come find you. She wants you to feed on me to complete your transition. After feeding on the charlatan, I searched all over that ship for that woman, but she was gone. Her promises of a new life and a new family were lies. She made me a monster and then abandoned me. For what reason? Who knows? Probably some sick game. Like the one you were playing with me. Exactly. The goal was the same. I wanted to do to you what had been done to me. To make you a monster. I'm sorry, Matt. Come on. You can't die on me, man. Caroline: So for those of us keeping score, if Matt dies, are you gonna start peeing on fire hydrants again? Ooh. That's a very good question. I mean, if all that rage made you think that you could take us both, maybe this is nature's way of reconnecting you with your true self. Shut up! Caroline: Who's that? Stefan: It's my mother. Come on. Get him out of here. Here. Take my car. Tyler: Come here, man. [Matt groans] So... You have a mother? I had a mom. She died, so whoever this is is Damon's lame attempt to get my humanity back on. Let me guess. Then you get my humanity back on. I don't think so. Unh! Sorry, Stefan, but thanks for the head start. [Groaning] Elena! We need help! Oh, my God! Matt! It's ok. You'll be fine. No. Matt, take the damn blood. I said I don't want it. I want a doctor. But... Where's Jo? Hey! Matt! Help! What just happened? Here. Let me help you. Ugh! I'm sure you have many questions. Well, the fact that you haven't aged a day answers the big one. I'm a ripper. All of the guilt you've carried for your lack of control, it's my fault, not yours. You get it from me. That's why I had to leave. I was so new to the bloodlust, I was afraid I would hurt you and your brother. The last time I saw you was the day of my funeral. You weren't imagining it. I was your angel. Damon, voice-over: Then tell him that you wish you could have seen him grow up. If only I'd been there to see you grow into a young man, to protect you from your father's temper, but I was so ashamed of the things that I'd done, of what I'd become, and by the time I got my appetite under control and was coming back for you and your brother, I was hunted down and banished to a prison world by the Gemini. The one thing that helped you get through being trapped in that awful place... Was the hope of seeing my sons again. I know there are no words that make up for me abandoning you, but we have all of eternity for me to try. "Your angel has returned to you." Lily: Your angel has returned to you, and I will never leave you again. Mother. My sweet, sweet boy. How'd you find her? On the list of things to be worrying about, she's not one of them. Damon: You get a night, Stefan, a night to beat yourself up, do your shame spiral, and then you have to go after Caroline. Stefan: I don't need a night. I'll find her. You refusing the pain meds, too? No. Then why are you refusing my blood? Matt: Do you know how many times I've died or nearly died? Most of those times were at the hands of people I thought were my friends. I'm sorry, not people... Vampires. Matt... Don't give me the "we're not all like that" speech, Elena, because you are. Just one flip of a switch away. That's not what I was gonna say. I actually think you have every right to be mad... But why won't you let me make it better? I can't say that I hate vampires and then use them when it's to my advantage. I can't have it both ways, Elena. That's just how it is to me. Good. Now that the vervain's out of your system, how does Southampton sound? Well, I may as well compel you a nice place to disappear to. Or you could give me the choice you never had. Look. You said it yourself. You do this, you're only making it worse. Ah, but you'll be safe. What if I swore never to seek out the Salvatores? From what you've told me, I don't want any part of my real family. Have a nice life, Sarah Nelson. Damon: Well, Matt lives to hate vampires another day, Stefan's on Caroline duty, and I just introduced mom to uber. Taking bets on which one goes south first. I want to throw Jo a baby shower. Whoa. Forgot to hit your turn signal for that segueway. Jo's pregnancy's the best news that we've had in a little while, and I feel like I didn't react in the way that I should have. Why not? Because I think I was... I don't know. Jealous? Yeah. A little. I mean, I've always wanted a family before, you know. So it's kind of a bummer of a reminder that that's never gonna happen for me. [Music playing] But I get to have a life with you, which is also what I've always wanted, so it'll be good, ok? I just had to let myself be sad for a minute. What if things could be different? What if you could change everything. They're not, and I can't. Nothing's changed. I love you. I love you, too. [Cell phone chimes] This better be important. [Sighs] So I called my dad to let him know that Kai's gone, but all he wants to know is where the ascendant is. We have to destroy it. Why? Before you answer that, I should probably skip to the part where I already gave it to Lily. What?! You promised Bonnie that... Jo: It doesn't matter. You need to get it back now. Tell me. Jo: Before the 1900s, your mother fell in with a group of witches that were cast out of the Gemini coven. They were known as heretics, siphoners like Kai, but not just that. Lily turned them, resulting in creatures that are both witch and vampire. But that's not possible. Vampires can't be witches. These are witches that have magic only when they siphon power from another source. As vampires... They have a constant source. They can siphon off of themselves. They were on their way to destroy the Gemini, but the coven got to them first, put them into exile. Heretics are ruthless... Vampires with witch power, an aberration of nature. They can never be allowed to escape. Imagine Kai with the bloodlust of a vampire. [Wood splintering] Now imagine 6 of them.

Caroline and Stefan have still switched off their humanity. They are terrorizing and killing the people at Whitmore's. Matt and Tyler are being tortured by them, Matt ends up in the hospital. Meanwhile, Elena and Damon are having a pleasant morning. They're enjoying breakfast made by Lily. Damon has come up with a plan to bring Stefan and Caroline back which involves Lily (the Salvatore's mother) convincing Stefan to turn his humanity back on and then Stefan can convince Caroline to switch it back on too. Enzo has taken Sarah from the hospital and tries to bring her to the Salvatore house, but when he sees Lily, he runs away in shock. Turns out that when Enzo was living in South Hampton, he was suffering from consumption until he met Lily, who fed him with vampire blood so then after he died (of consumption) he became a vampire. In the present day, Lily tells Damon that she will help him to bring back Stefan but in return he has to give her the ascendant so she can bring her "other family" back. When Lily and Damon go to the school bar, she says just the right words to get Stefan to flip his switch (even though Damon told her exactly what to say). Now Stefan has to track down Caroline and get her to flip the switch, too. Back at the hospital, Matt refuses Elena's blood. Once he's stitched up by conventional medicine, he talks to Elena about how much he hates vampires and doesn't want to rely on them. Finally, Damon and Elena talk about life and how Elena misses being human and she's sad because of the fact that she is a vampire and she will never be able to create a family. Finally, Jo explains how bad it is that Damon gave Lily the ascendant because Lily's "family members" and she are all witches that absorb magic from others, just like Kai, but were turned into vampires making a type of hybrid. It is explained that they were locked inside the prison world because they were perceived as too dangerous and worthless.

fd_FRIENDS_02x12

fd_FRIENDS_02x12_0

Originally written by Michael Borkow, Mike Sikowitz & Jeffrey Astrof Transcribed by Joshua Hodge. Minor additions and adjustments by Dan Silverstein. [Scene: In a TV commercial that the gang is watching at Monica and Rachel's.] [A guy is sitting at his desk and his boss comes in and drops a huge pile of papers on his desk. The guy looks dejected.] COMMERCIAL VOICEOVER: Can't get the monkey off your back? Then put it in your mouth... [A monkey jumps on the desk and hands the guy a beer. He opens the beer and is suddenly on the beach, in a hammock, with beautiful women all around.] COMMERCIAL VOICEOVER: ...With MonkeyShine Beer. [MonkeyShine theme] MonkeyShine Beer, 'cause it's a jungle out there.] [Camera pans back from the TV to show the gang watching.] ROSS: That commercial always makes me so sad. JOEY: Yeah, but then the guy opens his beer and those girls run at him, so, everything seems to work out OK. ROSS: I meant because the monkey in it reminds me of Marcel. PHOEBE: I can see that, 'cause they both have those big brown eyes and, ya know, the little pouty chin. MONICA: And the fact that they're both monkeys. ROSS: Sometimes I wonder if I did the right thing, ya know, giving him away. RACHEL: Oh, Ross, you had to, I mean, he was humping everything in sight. I mean, I have a Malibu Barbi that will no longer be wearing white to her wedding. ROSS: Remember when sometimes he'd borrow your hat, and, and when you got it back there'd be little monkey raisins in it. CHANDLER: Yeah, well sure, when he did it, it was funny. When I did it to my boss's hat. . . all of the sudden I have this big attitude problem. OPENING TITLES [Scene: Central Perk. Chandler, Monica, Rachel, and Phoebe are at the couch.] [Joey enters holding a letter] JOEY: Hey, hey, check it out, guess what I got. CHANDLER: Rhythm? JOEY: No, my first fan mail. ALL: Alright! MONICA: [reading] 'Dear Dr. Remore, know that I love you and would do anything to have you.' Gosh. 'Your not-so-secretive admirer, Erica Ford.' Ooh wait, 'PS enclosed please find 14 of my eyelashes.' RACHEL: Ya know, in crazy world, that means you're married. MONICA: This wasn't addressed to Days of Our Lives, this is, this came to your apartment. There's no stamp on it, this woman was in our building. JOEY: Oh my god, I got my very own stalker. [Ross enters with a suitcase] ROSS: Hey guys. ALL: Hey. PHOEBE: Ooh, where are you off to, Travelin' Jake? ROSS: Well, there's this, uh, paleontology conference in L.A. so I figured I'd go and then drive down to the zoo and surprise Marcel. CHANDLER: You know I think he will be surprised, 'till he realizes he's a monkey, and uh, you know, isn't capable of that emotion. [Rob (Chris Isaac) enters] RACHEL: Oh, Phoebe, that really cute guy is here again. PHOEBE: Oh, oh, OK, so everyone, pretend like I'm telling you a story, OK. And, and it's really funny. So everyone just laugh, now. [Everyone laughs] PHOEBE: I know, I know. [to Rob] Hello. ROB: Hi. I'm Rob Dohnen. PHOEBE: Hi Rob Dohnen. ROB: I don't know anything about music, but I think you're really, really great. PHOEBE: Oh, wow. ROB: Anyway, I schedule performers for the childrens libraries around the city and I was just thinking, have you ever thought about playing your songs for kids? PHOEBE: Oh, I would love to have kids. . . you're, you're the, you're, me play the songs that I will write for them. [Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment. Chandler and Joey are standing around in the kitchen.] JOEY: Hey, whaddya wanna do for dinner? CHANDLER: Well we could just stay in and cook for ourselves. [both laugh hysterically] [door buzzer goes off] CHANDLER: Hello. ERICA: It's Erica. JOEY: Ah, the stalker. ERICA: Never mind, it's open. CHANDLER: [Joey grabs a frying pan] Yes, hitting her with a frying pan's a good idea. We might wanna have a backup plan, though, just in case she isn't a cartoon. JOEY: Let's get out of here. [They run out and knock on Monica and Rachel's door] CHANDLER: The one time they're not home. JOEY: OK, we'll just leave, and when we pass her on the stairs, she won't know it's me 'cause we've never met. CHANDLER: That's how radio stars escape stalkers. JOEY: She's comin'. [Both run back in their apartment. There's a knock at the door.] ERICA: It's me. JOEY: Uhh, this is it, this is how we're gonna die. Ready? CHANDLER: Wait, wait, wait. [Opens the top of the dish soap he's holding] [Joey opens the door and sees Erica (Brooke Shields). Joey gets a huge smile and Chandler squeezed the dish soap in the air.] ERICA: Hi. JOEY: Erica. [Scene: San Diego Zoo. Ross is at the Monkey cages.] LIPSON: Hi, Dean Lipson, zoo administrator. I was told you had a question. ROSS: Well, I uh, I can't seem to find the monkey I donated last year. He's a capuchan, answers to the name Marcel. LIPSON: Ahh, I'm afraid I have some bad news. Marcel has passed on. ROSS: Oh my God, what happened? LIPSON: Well he got sick, and then he got sicker, and then he got a little better but then he died. ROSS: I can't believe this. LIPSON: I'm sorry Mr. Geller. But ya know, there's an old saying, 'Sometimes monkeys die.' It's not a great saying but it certainly is fitting today. ROSS: Well, ya know, someone should have called me. LIPSON: I'm sorry. Look, I know this can't bring him back but here, it's just a gesture. ROSS: Zoo dollars? LIPSON: Yes, and come see the bird show at 4. The macaws wear hats. Well it's a lot cuter if your monkey hasn't just died. [Scene: Library. Phoebe is getting ready to sing for the kids. Chandler, Monica, and Rachel are there.] [Phoebe pulls out her guitar] KIDS: Ooohhh. PHOEBE: I know. MONICA: I can't believe Joey's having lunch with his stalker. What i-, what is she like. CHANDLER: Well, you remember Cathy Bates in Misery? RACHEL AND MONICA: Yeah. CHANDLER: Well, she looks the exact opposite of that. RACHEL: And she's not crazy? CHANDLER: Oh no no no, she's a total wack job. Yeah, she thinks that Joey is actually Dr. Drake Remore. RACHEL: Oh my God. MONICA: Ah, and I mean, he's going out with her? He can not persue this. CHANDLER: Hey, just because this woman thinks she can actually see Joey through the magical box in her living room doesn't mean she's not a person. I mean, does she not deserve happiness, does she not deserve love? What're you lookin' at me for? He's the one who wants to boff the maniac. ROB: You OK? PHOEBE: No, uh-uh, I'm just, I'm nervous. So, you know what, maybe if I just, if I picture them all in their underwear. ROB: That's not a good idea, that's kinda the reason the last guy got fired. PHOEBE: I'm just, I'm, I'm, I'm used to playing for grown-ups. Ya know, they just, grown-ups drink their coffee and do their grown-up thing, ya know, and kids listen. This is a huge responsibility. What? Are you gonna kiss me? ROSS: I was thinkin' about it. PHOEBE: OK. [they kiss] OK, alrighty, let's play some tunes. Hi everybody, I'm Phoebe ALL: Hi Phoebe. PHOEBE: OK, um, I'm gonna play, um, some songs about grandparents, OK. [singing] Now, grandma's a person who everyone likes, she bought you a train and a bright, shiny bike. But lately she hasn't been coming to dinner, And last time you saw her she looked so much thinner. Now, your mom and your dad said she moved to Peru, but the truth is she died and some day you will too. La-la-la la la-la-la la la-la-la la... [Scene: A nice restraunt. Joey and Erica are dining.] ERICA: Oh, Drake, isn't it amazing? JOEY: Yeah it is. . . what? ERICA: Well, here we sit, devil may care, just a little while ago you were reattaching someone's spinal cord. JOEY: Yeah, that was a tricky one. In reality, that operation takes like, over 10 hours, but they only showed it for 2 minites. ERICA: Who's they? JOEY: No one. ERICA: Oh Drake, you are so talented, let me see those hands. Oh these hands, these beautiful hands, oh I could just eat them. . . but I won't. JOEY: Good, otherwise my watch would fall off. [laughs hysterically] ERICA: No, seriously. These hands. These miracle, magical, life-giving hands. Oh, just to be near them, touch them, maybe even lick one? JOEY: Alright, just one. [she licks his hands rather emphatically] Wow, you're good at that. [Some guy at another table starts choking] WAITER: Oh my God! Someone, he's choking. Is anyone here a doctor? ERICA: Well, yes, yes, the best doctor in all of Salem, Dr. Drake Remore. [Scene: San Diege Zoo. Ross is still at the monkey cages. A janitor is sweeping.] JANITOR: Meet me in the nocturnal house in 15 minutes. ROSS: Uhh, hey look, I don't really enjoy being with other men that way. But, um, zoo dollars? JANITOR: It's about your monkey. It's alive. [Scene: Restraunt. Joey and Erica are still there.] ERICA: I don't understand, why didn't you help that man? JOEY: Uhh, cause, uhh, I'm a neurosurgeon and that was clearly a case of, uh, uh, foodal chokage. Alright, look, I got to tell you something. ERICA: No, no no no, you don't have to tell me anything. You don't have to explain yourself to me. Ooh, who am I to question the great Dr. Drake Remore? JOEY: But that's what... ERICA: I should just be happy to be near you. JOEY: Hey I- [she cuts him off with a kiss] ERICA: Hey what? JOEY: That's it, just hey. Like at the end of a dance, HEY! [she starts nibbling his hand] Hey. He-hey. [Scene: Library. Phoebe is singing.] PHOEBE: [singing] There'll be times when you get older when you'll want to sleep with people just to make them like you. . . But don't. Cause that's another thing that you don't wanna do, everybody That's another thing that you don't wanna do. MONICA: Excellent! CHANDLER: Very informative! RACHEL: Not at all inappropriate! PHOEBE: Thank you for coming everybody. There're cookies in the back. ROB: That was great, the kids loved you. PHOEBE: Yay, I rock. ROB: And you know why? Because you told the truth, and nobody ever tells kids the truth.You were incredible. PHOEBE: But. ROB: How did you know there was a but? PHOEBE: I sense these things. It was either but or butter. ROB: The thing is, I think some of the parents, they were kinda hopin' that you'd play more songs about like, barnyard animals. PHOEBE: I can do that. ROB: Really? PHOEBE: Yeah. ROB: Because that would be fantastic. What? You wanna kiss me? PHOEBE: Thinkin' about it. [Scene: San Diego Zoo. Ross and the janitor are in the nocturnal house.] JANITOR: Ahh, the bat. Ambassador of darkness, flitting out of his cave like a winged messenger, sightless spectre of the macabe. ROSS: Buddy, my monkey? JANITOR: Oh, yeah, right. There was a break-in, few months back, inside job. Your monkey was taken. ROSS: Oh my God. But the zoo told me that my monkey was dead. JANITOR: The zoo! Do you believe everything the zoo tells ya? ROSS: That, that's the only thing the zoo's ever told me. JANITOR: Of course they're gonna say he's dead. They don't want the bad publicity. It's all a great big cover-up. Do you have any idea how high up this thing goes? ROSS: That guy Lipson? JANITOR: Lipson knows. Do you have any idea who else knows? ROSS: No, I, I only know Lipson. JANITOR: Hmm, Lipson knows huh? Ahh, hello Mr. Opossum, enigma of the trees, upside-down denizen of the night, taunting gravity with... ROSS: Buddy, my monkey, my monkey. JANITOR: Word on the street - well, when I say street, I mean those little pretend streets they have here at the zoo. ROSS: Of course. JANITOR: Your monkey found a new career, in the entertainment field. That's all I know. ROSS: This is unbelievable. JANITOR: So, what is this information worth to you, my friend? ROSS: Are you trying to get me to bribe you? JANITOR: Maybe. ROSS: But you already told me everything. [Scene: Library. Ross show up with a MonkeyShine Beer poster.] ROSS: Check it out, he actually is the MonkeyShine monkey. RACHEL: Well, so what're you gonna do? ROSS: Well, I guess I'm gonna call the beer company and try to find out where he is. CHANDLER: That's what I did when I lost my Clydesdales. PHOEBE: OK, hi again. ALL: Hi Phoebe. PHOEBE: Today we're gonna start with some songs about barnyard animals. [singing] Oh, the cow in the meadow goes moo, Oh, the cow in the meadow goes moo. Then the farmer hits him on the head and grinds him up, And that's how we get hamburgers. Nooowww, chickens! [Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment. Monica, Rachel, and the guys are watching Days of Our Lives.] TV DOCTOR: You're the only one who can save her Drake. JOEY ON TV: Damnit, I'm a doctor, I'm not God. ROSS: Well, there goes my whole belief system. [knock at the door] ERICA: It's Erica. JOEY: Oh my God, quick turn off the TV. RACHEL: No no no, wait, I wanna see what happens. JOEY: Uh, I get Leslie out of the coma and then we make out. RACHEL: Well how can that be, you were just kissing Sabrina? MONICA: Rachel, it's a world where Joey is a neuro-surgeon. JOEY: Hey Erica, c'mon in. ERICA: How did you get here so fast, I just saw you in Salem? JOEY: Right, they uh, they choppered me in. What's up? ERICA: Ohh, and I see you're having a little party too. Is she here, huh, huh? JOEY: Who? ERICA: Sabrina. I know about you two. I saw you today kissing in the doctor's lounge. JOEY: It's not what you think, that was... ERICA: You told me I was the only one. [throws a glass of water in his face] JOEY: Alright look, that's it. I don't think we should see each other anymore, alright. Look, I know I should have told you this a long time ago but I am not Drake Remore, OK. I'm not even a doctor, I'm an actor. I just pretend to be a doctor. ERICA: Oh my God. Do the people at the hospital know about this? JOEY: Somebody wanna help me out here? RACHEL: Oh, I know, I know. [Turns on the TV. Joey in on it.] ERICA: How, how can you be here and there. JOEY: 'Cause it's a television show. ERICA: Drake, what're you getting at? JOEY: I'm not Drake. ROSS: That's right, he's not Drake, he's Hans Remore, Drake's evil twin. ERICA: Is this true? RACHEL: Yes, yes it is true. And I know this because, because he pretended to be Drake to, to sleep with me. [throws water in his face] MONICA: And then he told me he would run away with me, and he didn't. [throws water in his face] CHANDLER: And you left the toilet seat up, you b*st*rd. [throws water in his face] ERICA: Is all this true? JOEY: Yes, I'm afraid it is. You deserve much better than me Erica. You deserve to be with the real Drake, he's the one you fell in love with. Go to Salem, find him, he's the guy for you. ERICA: Oh Hans. [They kiss] ROSS: Hans...Hans...Yo evil twin. JOEY: Right. Goodbye Erica, good luck in Salem. Take care ERICA: I'll never forget you Hans. [Joey shuts the door in her face] JOEY: OK, alright, the people who threw the water. [Scene: Central Perk. Phoebe and Rob are sitting on the couch.] PHOEBE: Fired! Why? ROB: The library board has had a lot of complaints from parents about some of the stuff in your songs. PHOEBE: I can't believe it. Did you tell your board about how kids want to hear the truth? ROB: No. PHOEBE: I see. ROB: Maybe if you just played some regular kiddie songs. PHOEBE: No. What do you, what do you want me to be, like some stupid, big, like, purple dinosaur? ROB: I'm not saying you have to be Barney. PHOEBE: Who's Barney. [Scene: Central Perk. The whole gang is there.] ROSS: Well, I tracked down Marcel and get this, he's healthy, he's happy, and he's right here in New York filming Outbreak II - The Virus Takes Manhattan. RACHEL: You're kidding. JOEY: This is amazing. ROSS: I know. JOEY: I finally get a part on TV and the monkey's makin' movies. PHOEBE: OK, Rachel, I'm ready. RACHEL: OK. [little kid enters] KID: Excuse me. Is this where the singing lady is that tells the truth? PHOEBE: Um, yeah I guess that's me. KID: [shouting out the door] She's here. [a rush of kids enter] PHOEBE: [singing] Sometimes men love women, sometimes men love men, and then there are bisexuals, though some just say they're kidding themselves. la la-la-la la-la-la-la-la-la-la... [Scene: City street. The whole gang is walking up to the movie set.] ROSS: This is so exciting, I haven't seen my monkey in almost a year. CHANDLER: What, you never look down in the shower? Oh please. I'm not allowed to make one joke in the monkey-is-penis genre? SECURITY GUARD: C'mon people, back up please, back up, c'mon, c'mon, c'mon, c'mon. ROSS: Uh, excuse me, uh, where can we find the monkey? SECURITY GUARD: I'm sorry guys, closed set. ROSS: Uh, I'm sorry, you don't understand, I'm, I'm, I'm a friend of his. We uh, we used to live together. SECURITY GUARD: Yeah, and I have a time share in the Pocanos with Flipper. MONICA: Ross, there he is. ROSS: Hey, hey buddy, Marcel. Marcel. [Marcel doesn't react so Ross starts singing] In the jungle, the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. [no reaction from Marcel, Monica and Joey urge him on] In the jungle, the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. [Marcel looks over and everyone joins in] a-weema-way, a-weema-way..... [Marcel runs over and hops up on Ross's shoulder] [Scene: The next time at the movie set.] SECURITY GUARD: Uh, excuse me folks this is a uhh... JOEY: Closed set. We know but we're friends with the monkey. [guard lets them in] ROSS: Good morning. Hey pal, look who I brought. It's your old friend Harry Elefante. [Marcel grabs the elephant doll and throws it to the ground] JOEY: Woah, dude, burn. ROSS: I don't get it, he seemed so happy to see me yesterday. TRAINER: Hey don't take it personal, he's under a lot of pressure, ya know, starring in a movie and all. RACHEL: Now just how big of a star is Marcel? TRAINER: In human terms, I'd say Cybill Shepard. ALL: Woah. CHANDLER: [to guys wering yellow isolation suits] So, are you guys in the movie, or are you just really paranoid. DIRECTOR'S ASSISTANT: Hey Sal, Jerry wants to know if the monkey's ready for the subway set? JOEY: Uh, excuse me. Jerry is the director, which one's he? DIRECTOR'S ASSISTANT: The one in the director's chair. JOEY: Gotcha. Phoebs, walk with me. PHOEBE: OK. Um, how come I'm walking with you? JOEY: Well, we're, we're just goin' over here so that we can get away from the horrible flesh eating virus, for the love of God woman, listen to me. Is he lookin', is he lookin'? SUSIE: We've got a problem. DIRECTOR'S ASSISTANT: Tell me. SUSIE: I can't do Chris's makeup. She refuses to acknowledge that she has a moustasche. DIRECTOR'S ASSISTANT: Is it bad? SUSIE: It looks like one of her eyebrows fell down. Now unless someone convinces her to let me bleach it, Jean-Claude Van Damme is gonna be making out with Gabe Kaplan. DIRECTOR'S ASSISTANT: I'll talk to her. SUSIE: I hate actors. CHANDLER: [to an extra in fatigues] Nice camoflauge man, for a minute there I almost didn't see ya. SUSIE: Excuse me. CHANDLER: Ahhhh. SUSIE: Uh, is your name Chandler? CHANDLER: Uh, yes, yes it is. SUSIE: Chandler Bing? CHANDLER: Do you know me or are you just really good at this game? SUSIE: I'm Susie Moss. Fourth grade, glasses, I used to carry around a box of animal crackers like a purse. CHANDLER: Susie Moss, right, yeah, wow, you look. . . great job growing up. SUSIE: It's nice to see you're not still wearing that denim cap with all the little mirrors on it. CHANDLER: Oh, right, well yeah, I graduated fourth grade and realized I wasn't a pimp. SUSIE: Remember the class play? You, you pulled up my skirt and the entire auditorium saw my underpants. CHANDLER: Yes, back then I, uh, used humor as a defense mechanism. Thank God I don't do that anymore. [cut to Monica and Rachel walking through the set] MONICA: Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God. RACHEL: What what what what? MONICA: Jean-Claude Van Damme. I didn't know he was in this movie, he is so hot. RACHEL: Ya think? MONICA: The muscles from Brussels, wham bam Van Damme, did you see Time Cop? RACHEL: No, was he any good in it? MONICA: Rachel, he like, totally changed time. RACHEL: Wow, so why don't you go talk to him? MONICA: Oh, yeah. RACHEL: What, so you go over there, you tell him you think he's cute, what's the worst that could happen? MONICA: He could hear me. RACHEL: OK, I'm doin' it for ya. MONICA: Oh Rachel don't, don't you dare, don't, don't. Tell him I cook. RACHEL: Excuse me. Hi. VAN DAMME: Hi. RACHEL: Um, this is gonna sound kinda goofy but uhhm, my friend over there, who cooks by the way, um, she thinks you're cute. VAN DAMME: You don't think I'm cute? RACHEL: I, I don't know, um, do you think you're cute? OK, we're kinda gettin' off the track here. Um, I was supposed to come here and tell you my friend thinks you're cute. So what should I tell her? VAN DAMME: You can tell her I think her friend is cute. [back to Chandler and Susie] CHANDLER: No, Stephen Hurs was the kid who would eat anything for money, David Stein was the guy who had no elbows. SUSIE: OK, well then who was the kid that got caught m*st*rb*t*ng? CHANDLER: OK that's not what he was doing. Alright, he was looking for his bus money. [a voice in the background calls for makeup] SUSIE: Oh that's me, I gotta go. CHANDLER: Oh uh, o, OK. SUSIE: Um, so listen, how many times am I gonna have to touch you on the arm before you ask me on a date. CHANDLER: Well, uh, let's try one more. . . there you go, say Ernie's, 8 o'clock. SUSIE: I'll be there, and who knows, if things go well, maybe this time I'll get to see your underwear. CHANDLER: No one was around to hear that? [back to Rachel and Monica] MONICA: So what'd he say? RACHEL: Agh, what a jerk. I kept talking about you and he kept asking me out. I mean, naturally, you know, I said no. MONICA: Well, thanks anyway. RACHEL: He just kept asking, and asking, and asking, and asking, and asking, and asking. MONICA: Rachel if you, if you want to go out with him, you can. Sound like a big jerk to me but if that's what you want to do... RACHEL: Jean-Claude she said yes, I'll see you tonight. Thank you. [Scene: Central Perk. Joey and the girls are sitting at the couches.] RACHEL: And then Jean-Claude took me to that place Crossroads and that's where we hung out with Drew Barrymore. JOEY: Oh man, she's so smokin, she has got the greatest set of. . . no guys around, huh. RACHEL: Does anybody need anything? MONICA: Oh, I'll have an espresso. Oh acutally, I'll get it. If I ask you to, you'll probably end up drinking it yourself. RACHEL: That is so unfair. PHOEBE: I know. Oh, like you would drink her coffee after what you did to her with Van Damme. [Ross enters] ROSS: Hey Joey I have to cancel racketball for tonight, that was Marcel's trainer. He's gonna let me have him for a couple of hours. JOEY: You're blowin' me off for a monkey? ROSS: Hey, we can rescedule for Saturday. JOEY: Yeah, unless you hook up with a bunch of pigeons. [Chandler enters] [SCENE_BREAK] CHANDLER: Hey, stick a fork in me, I am done. PHOEBE: Stick a fork what? CHANDLER: Like, when you're cooking a steak. PHOEBE: Oh, OK, I don't eat meat. CHANDLER: Well then, how do you know when vegetables are done? PHOEBE: Well you know, you juist, you eat them and you can tell. CHANDLER: OK, then, eat me, I'm done. CHANDLER: I've met the perfect woman. OK, we're sitting on her couch, we're fooling around, and then suddenly she turns to me and says, 'Do you ever want to do it in an elevator?' MONICA: What did you say? CHANDLER: Ahh, I believe my exact words were, 'Flaign,en - sten'. I mean I didn't know what to say, how do you know if you wanna do it on an elevator? PHOEBE: Oh, you just know. [Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment. Chandler and Susie are making out on the couch.] SUSIE: Oh, shoot, we gotta go, got a reservation in 30 minutes. CHANDLER: Oh no no no no, no no no no no no, you see, what I had planned shouldn't take more that 2, 3 minutes tops. SUSIE: Oh, 200 seconds of passion. We gotta go. SUSIE: But um, here's an idea, have you ever worn women's underwear? CHANDLER: Well, ye, yes, actually, but, uh, they were my Aunt Edna's, and there were three of us in there. SUSIE: Well I was thinking it would be um, kind of sexy if you wore mine tonight, at dinner. CHANDLER: You want me to wear your panties? SUSIE: Could ya? CHANDLER: Well, if I was wearing your underwear then, uh, what would you be wearing?. . . You're swell. [Scene: Ross's apartment. Ross is setting up for his time with Marcel. Joey is there.] ROSS: OK, got the music, got the dinner. Oh and check it out, I made Marcel's favorite dish, banannacake. JOEY: Oooh. ROSS: With mealworms. JOEY: Yaaahhh. Ahhh, candles. What'dya thinks gonna happen here tonight? [phone rings] ROSS: Hello. Oh hi, are you on your way ove-. Oh. No, no, I, I understand, I mean a monkey's gotta work. No it, it's no big deal, it' not like I uh, had anything special planned. Yeah OK, OK. OK, OK, bye. [Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Monica and Rachel are upset with each other. Phoebe is mediating.] PHOEBE: OK, Rachel, why don't you start talking first. RACHEL: Alright, I feel that this is totally unjustified. [Monica starts making faces behind her back] She gave me the green light, I did nothing but-. Do you think I can't see you in the TV set? PHOEBE: Alright Monica, if there is something that you would like to share... MONICA: Ya know, you had no right to go out with him. RACHEL: That is the most ridiculous. MONICA: You sold me out. RACHEL: I did not sell you out. MONICA: Yes you did. Absolutely. RACHEL: Would you let me talk. [flicks Monica on the forehead] MONICA: Did you just flick me? RACHEL: OK, well, you wouldn't let me finish and I was jus- [Monica flicks her back] Ow. That hurt [flicks Monica] MONICA: Quit flicking [flicks] RACHEL: Ow, you stop flicking. MONICA: You flicked me first. [They keep flicking each other. This turns into slapping each other. This leads to wrestling on the floor. All the while Phoebe is saying "Happy thoughts". Eventually Phoebe gets fed up.] PHOEBE: OK, now I'm gonna kick some ass. [Phoebe grabs each of them by an ear] MONICA AND RACHEL: Ow. Ow. Ow. PHOEBE: Alright, now I will let go if you both stop. RACHEL: Oh, what do you, you want me to stop seeing him, is that what you want? MONICA: Uh-huh. RACHEL: You want me to just call him up and tell him that you're seeing him instead? That's what you want? MONICA: OK. RACHEL: Oh that's what you want. MONICA: Yes. RACHEL: Fine. MONICA: Fine, PHOEBE: There we go.You know what, if we were in prison, you guys would be, like, my bitches. [Scene: A fancy restraunt (Marcel's). Joey, Ross, Chandler, Susie, and the Director's Assistant are there.] ROSS: Thanks for letting me tag along tonight you guys. JOEY: Forget about it. SUSIE: How you doin there squirmy? CHANDLER: I'm hangin in. . . and a little out. JOEY: So, assistant to the director. That's a really exciting job, I mean, you must have a ton of cool responsibilities. DIRECTOR'S ASSISTANT: I have nothing to do with casting. JOEY: So what're you guys gonna eat? SUSIE: How come all I can think about is putting that ice in my mouth and licking you all over? CHANDLER: Because I went to an all boys high school and God is making up for it. SUSIE: I want you right here, right now. CHANDLER: Right now, right here. Don't ya think we're in kind of a public plaaaa [Susie grabs him under the table] They do have the shrimp. SUSIE: Meet me in the bathroom. [she leaves for the bathroom] CHANDLER: I'm going to the bathroom now. [leaves for the bathroom] [In the bathroom Susie and Chandler are kissing. She backs into a stall.] SUSIE: C'mon. CHANDLER: I can't believe we're doing this. SUSIE: Alright mister, let's see those panties. CHANDLER: Alrighty. [we see Chandler's pants drop from under the stall door] SUSIE: Ooh. Ooh. But ya know what would be even sexier? CHANDLER: What? SUSIE: If you didn't have your shirt tucked into them. CHANDLER: Oh. SUSIE: Alright. Now I would like to see you wearing nothing but them. Take your clothes off. CHANDLER: OK, but uh, I hope you realize this means we're gonna miss hearing about the specials. SUSIE: C'mon hurry, hurry. CHANDLER: Hey, do you want this done quick, or do you want this done right? SUSIE: Alright, turn around. Time to see you from behind. CHANDLER: OK. [She turns him facing the toilet and sneaks out of the stall and gathers up his clothes.] SUSIE: Oh, somebody's been doing his buns of steel video. CHANDLER: Well, you want me to uh, clench anything, or-... Susie? Susie. SUSIE: This is for the fourth grade. CHANDLER: Huh? Where, whaddya mean? SUSIE: Whaddo I mean. Whaddya mean, whaddo I mean? I mean underpants, mister, that's what I mean. CHANDLER: What, what's what you mean? SUSIE: My skirt, you lifted, kids laughing. I was Susie Underpants 'till I was 18. CHANDLER: That was in the fourth grade. How could you still be upset about that? SUSIE: Well um, why don't you call me in 20 years and tell me if you're still upset about this. [she leaves with his clothes] CHANDLER: Alright, I hope you realize you're not getting these underpants back. [Scene: Monica and Van Damme are walking down the street.] MONICA: I can't believe this, just like 2 weeks ago I was watching Sudden Death, now I'm on a date with Jean-Claude Van Damme. Can you beat up that guy? [he nods] Can you beat up that guy? VAN DAMME: Sure. MONICA: This is so wild. Ya know, I gotta admit, I was kinda surprised that you agreed to go on a blind date. VAN DAMME: Normally, I would not do it. MONICA: Well, what made you make the exception for me? VAN DAMME: 'Cause Rachel told me uh, you were dying to have a threesome with me and uh, Drew Barrymore. By the way, Drew has some groundrules and... [Scene: Back at Monica and Rachel's apartment. They are now fighting about what Rachel told Van Damme.] MONICA: Say you're sorry. RACHEL: No. [hitting each other] MONICA: Say it. RACHEL: No. [hitting again] [Monica grabs Rachel by the sweater. Rachel squirms out of it] MONICA: Rachel, you say you're sorry or your sweater gets it. RACHEL: OK, OK, that is my favorite sweater, that is my third date sweater. MONICA: Say you're sorry. RACHEL: OK, you wanna play? OK, let's play, let's play. [She grabs a jar of tomato sauce and Monica's purse] MONICA: What're you gonna do? RACHEL: You give me back my sweater or it's handbag marinara. MONICA: You don't have the guts. RACHEL: Oh yeah. Well, at least I wasn't too chicken to tell some guy I thought he was cute. [Monica pulls a thread on Rachel's sweater and Rachel dumps the tomato sauce in Monica's purse] PHOEBE: Oh alright, stop, STOP THE MADNESS. This is crazy. Who can even remember why this even started in the first place? [Monica and Rachel start yelling at the same time] PHOEBE: Yes that's right. But still, I-, look at your purse, look at your sweater, look at yourselves. MONICA: I'll help you fix your sweater. RACHEL: I'll help you throw out your purse. MONICA: I'm sorry that I made you stop seeing him. RACHEL: Well, I'm sorry I went out with him when I knew you liked him. MONICA: I'm sorry that I borrowed your gloves [pulls Rachel's gloves out of her purse] [Scene: Back at the restroom at Marcel's. Chandler is still in the stall, Joey comes in to go to the bathroom.] [Joey starts whistling, Chandler finishes the tune. Joey whistles again.] CHANDLER: Joey? JOEY: Ma? CHANDLER: Joey! JOEY: Chandler? What're you still doin' here, I though you guys took off. CHANDLER: Oh, no no no, she took off with my clothes. JOEY: Are you naked in there? CHANDLER: Not exactly. . . I'm wearin panties. JOEY: Huh, you uh, you always wear panties? CHANDLER: No, no, this is the first time. JOEY: Wow, talk about your bad luck, I mean, the first time you try panties and someone walks off with your clothes. CHANDLER: I was not trying them out, Susie asked me to wear them. JOEY: Well, let me see. CHANDLER: No. I'm not letting you or anybody else see, ever. JOEY: Alright, alright. [climbs up in the next stall and looks over at Chandler] Woah, someone's flossing. [Ross enters, sees Joey in the mirror] ROSS: [to Joey who's looking over a toilet stall] Joey, some people don't like that. JOEY: Chandler's wearing panties. ROSS: What? Let me see. [climbs up in the other adjoining stall] CHANDLER: No, no, you don't have to see. ROSS: Hi Tushie. CHANDLER: Alright, one of you give me your underpants. JOEY: Can't help you, I'm not wearing any. CHANDLER: How can you not be wearing any underwear? JOEY: Oh, I'm gettin' heat from the guy in the hot pink thong. CHANDLER: Alright look Ross I'll give you 50 dollars for your underpants. [Some guy has entered.] ALL: Hi. [Back at the table. Joey and Ross return. Shortly, Chandler comes out, holding the stall door in front of him, and leaves.] [Scene: Central Perk. Ross, Phoebe, and Chandler are sitting.] CHANDLER: Hey Phoebs, can I have the milk after you? PHOEBE: I'm almost done with it, keep your panties on. [Joey enters] JOEY: Hey, hey, and I'm in the movie. ROSS: What happened? JOEY: One of the virus victims called in sick, so Cathy recommended me and boom, I'm dying on the gurney. Oh Ross, Marcel just finished his last scene if you want to go down there and say goodbye. ROSS: Ahh, oh that's OK, I mean, he's probably got, you know, parties to go to and stuff. But, ya know, he's moved on. Hey, that, that's the way it goes right. PHOEBE: [sees Marcel at the window] Oh my God. ROSS: What? ["Looks Like We Made It" starts playing and we enter a whole sequence of Marcel and Ross having fun in the city.] [Scene: The movie set. Monica and Rachel are saying goodbye to Jean-Claude] VAN DAMME: [to Rachel] I'm sorry it didn't work out between you and me, [to Monica] or you and me. Drew was very disappointed. RACHEL: OK, well, bye. [kisses him] VAN DAMME: Goodbye. MONICA: Well, bye for me too. [kisses him] RACHEL: OK, well, bye-bye again. [kisses him again] MONICA: OK. VAN DAMME: Perhaps, uh, the three of us, just could. . . MONICA AND RACHEL: Oh, no no no no no. VAN DAMME: Are you sure, I can crush a walnut with my butt. MONICA AND RACHEL: No no no no. RACHEL: Impressive. MONICA: But no. Maybe if I were baking. MONICA AND RACHEL: Bye-bye. [Scene: City street. Whole gang is there seeing off Marcel.] ROSS: Bye Marcel. See ya on the big screen. You keep people drinkin' that beer, OK. I miss you buddy. [Marcel is driven off in a limo] PHOEBE: You know, I think I want to write a song about all this. RACHEL: Oh yeah. PHOEBE: Yeah. Oh, except one of the strings on my guitar is broken. Hey, Chandler, can I borrow your G-string? CHANDLER: How long you been waitin' to say that? PHOEBE: About 20 minutes. CLOSING CREDITS [Scene: Filming a scene from the movie. Joey is dying on a gurney, Van Damme is looking over him.] VAN DAMME: Can't you see what's going on here, this man is dying. JOEY: Aaaaagggghhhhh. DIRECTOR: Cut. VAN DAMME: Can't you see what's going on here, this man is dying. JOEY: Aaaaagggghhhhh. DIRECTOR: Cut. VAN DAMME: Can't you see what's going on here, this man is dying. JOEY: Aaaaagggghhhhh. Mommy DIRECTOR: Cut. VAN DAMME: Can't you see what's going on here, this man is dead.

Ross goes to visit Marcel while in California but the zoo says the monkey died. Ross soon learns Marcel is alive and working in commercials. Joey receives his first fan letter from a beautiful but crazed woman ( Brooke Shields ) who believes Days of Our Lives is real, a fact that does not prevent Joey from dating her. A man ( Chris Isaak ) invites Phoebe to sing for children at the library, but her morbid lyrics horrify parents. However, the kids like the songs for telling the truth and come to the café to listen to her. Rachel and Monica compete for Jean-Claude Van Damme after meeting him on a movie set that Marcel is in. Chandler runs into Suzy, a former schoolmate ( Julia Roberts ), working on the film. She seems attracted to him, but actually wants revenge for Chandler once humiliating her in school. Joey is hired as an extra in the movie but overacts. Ross and Marcel spend time together.

fd_Doctor_Who_1963_06x12

fd_Doctor_Who_1963_06x12_0

"THE INVASION" BY DERRICK SHERWIN FROM A STORY BY KIT PEDLER First broadcast - 9th November 1968 Running time - 24 minutes 26 seconds [SCENE_BREAK] 1. VAUGHN'S OFFICE (VAUGHN presses a large control on the wall of his office, which activates a sliding panel. The wall pivots with a loud whine on it lower right corner to reveal a dark alcove. Inside stands an odd tangle of metal wires and tubes, spinning around a glowing sphere. The device hums electronically at VAUGHN.) [SCENE_BREAK] 2. LONDON STREETS (JAMIE and the DOCTOR continue walking through an alley near the IE building. They look behind themselves and see a large black car following them slowly down the alley. They back away. Inside the car, the fair-haired man points his finger at the DOCTOR and JAMIE, and his dark-haired colleague eases the car forward.) [SCENE_BREAK] 3. WATKINS'S HOUSE (ZOE is frozen while ISOBEL takes her picture.) ISOBEL: (On the floor.) Hold it now, last one. (She snaps her camera.) ISOBEL: OK, you can relax. ZOE: (Relaxing.) Oh good! I never knew that standing still could be so exhausting. ISOBEL: (Standing up.) Would you like some coffee? ZOE: Hm, please. (While ISOBEL readies the coffee pot...) ZOE: How long have they been gone? ISOBEL: Oh, I don't know. A couple of hours I suppose. ZOE: I hope they're all right. ISOBEL: Oh, of course they are. Probably just got lost or something. What's so important about these, ah, circuit things you were telling me about anyway? ZOE: Well, they were part of a... well, it was a sort of machine that we travel in. ISOBEL: Oh you mean... you mean a sort of electric car? ZOE: Well, it's a bit more sophisticated than that. ISOBEL: Oh well, anyway, I'm hoping that you're going to stick around for a bit. I get sick of photographing myself. ZOE: Oh, why don't you always use a model? ISOBEL: Can't afford it. I've only just got enough cash to buy all the junk I need for the camera. It's an expense business and, well, I'm not good enough to be a professional yet. ZOE: Well, I think you're very good... (Looking at all the pictures of ISOBEL in the room.) ZOE: These photographs of you are splendid. ISOBEL: Oh yeah, they're great, but I didn't take them. I was just the model. That's how I earned the loot to pay for all this. ZOE: Oh I see. (ISOBEL notices that ZOE is still worried about the DOCTOR and JAMIE.) ISOBEL: You're still worried about your two friends, aren't you? ZOE: Yes, a bit. ISOBEL: They can't have got themselves into any sort of trouble, can they? ZOE: Oh, you wouldn't say that if you knew them. If there's trouble to be found, the Doctor and Jamie can't miss it. [SCENE_BREAK] 4. LONDON STREETS (The DOCTOR and JAMIE are now running down the alley as the car still pursues them, and then suddenly stop as another car blocks off the other end. Both cars stop, and a pair of occupants emerge from each vehicle.) JAMIE: Well, what do we do now, Doctor? DOCTOR: Accept the situation, Jamie. There's nothing else we can do. (He suddenly sits on the curb-side and starts an impromptu game of solitaire. The four men surround them and the DOCTOR offers the cards to them as if to say, "Join in!") [SCENE_BREAK] 5. VAUGHN'S OFFICE (A worried-looking moustached fellow in a white lab coat and dark-rimmed glasses stands in Mr VAUGHN's office, looking over the TARDIS circuits the DOCTOR left behind. VAUGHN is sitting behind his desk.) VAUGHN: Well? (The man (GREGORY) simply nods, worriedly.) VAUGHN: From a Head Research Assistant, Gregory, I expect a little more coherent a reply than an enigmatic shake of the head. GREGORY: I'm sorry, Mr Vaughn. I've never seen anything like these circuits before. Given time I'll... VAUGHN: (Interrupting.) Then take time, my dear fellow. GREGORY: (Turning to leave.) Right, Mr Vaughn. VAUGHN: Take one hour. (GREGORY, now very worried, leaves with the circuits in hand. VAUGHN touches the intercom button on his desk.) VAUGHN: Packer! (PACKER's face appears as an enlarged close-up on VAUGHN's monitors.) PACKER: (OOV.) Yes, Mr Vaughn? VAUGHN: Packer, those two uninvited guests we had this morning: I assume they were photographed? PACKER: (OOV.) Yes sir, security cameras would have taken visual recordings, sir. VAUGHN: Have some prints taken and sent up to me. [SCENE_BREAK] 6. WATKINS'S HOUSE (ISOBEL is showing off an old-fashioned gramophone and record of "The Teddy Bears' Picnic" which she got at a good price.) ISOBEL: Great, isn't it. I got it off a barrow in the Portobello Road. ZOE: (Preoccupied.) Oh, yes. ISOBEL: What's the matter? Don't... don't you like it? ZOE: Oh yes, it's fine. ISOBEL: You're still worried about your two friends, aren't you? Why? ZOE: Oh I don't know. I've just got this feeling that something's happened to them. ISOBEL: Why on earth should it have done? ZOE: No reason at all really. It's not a logical conclusion, just intuition. ISOBEL: Well, I'll tell you what we do then - we go right on after them, OK? ZOE: Oh yes, please. ISOBEL: (Stopping the record.) We better leave a note for them, just in case they come back when we're not here. ZOE: OK. (They both open the door.) ISOBEL: I'd better get my coat first. (They leave the room.) [SCENE_BREAK] 7. AIRFIELD (The car carrying the DOCTOR and JAMIE rolls into an airfield and approaches a large cargo plane. The plane lowers its cargo ramp and four men rush out to complete the ramp for the car to drive onto and into the plane, which it then does.) [SCENE_BREAK] 8. UNIT AEROPLANE (Grey-suited, yet obviously military, personnel populate the interior of the airplane, in a chamber that appears to be some sort of information centre, with maps and telephones and radios dotted about the sides, and a master map in the centre on a table. The DOCTOR and JAMIE are escorted by the fair-haired man (BENTON) and the dark-haired man (TRACY) inside.) JAMIE: Would you mind telling us what all this is about? BENTON: You'll find out sir. JAMIE: Sir? (On the opposite side of the room, a tall, dark-haired, slim man climbs down a short ladder and approaches the DOCTOR and JAMIE. As he nears, we see familiar features, a new feature in the form of a dark moustache, and rank insignia on the shoulders befitting a Brigadier.) BRIGADIER: All right, Benton, thank you. BENTON: Sir. TRACY: NAAFI break, sir? BRIGADIER: Very well. (Both BENTON and TRACY stamp their feet together, turn, and leave the room.) BRIGADIER: How nice to see you again, Doctor. DOCTOR: (Breaking into a broad smile.) It's Colonel Lethbridge-Stewart! BRIGADIER: Ah, Brigadier now. I've gone on up in the world. JAMIE: Oh course, the Yetis. We met you in the... BRIGADIER: That's right, McCrimmon, in the underground. Must be... four years ago now. JAMIE: That long? It only seems about a couple of weeks ago, doesn't it. DOCTOR: I've told you over and over again Jamie. Time is relative. BRIGADIER: You still making a nonsense of it, in your, what was it called? TARDIS? DOCTOR: Yes, we're still travelling. Yes. BRIGADIER: Travers told me all about it. It's umm, well it's, to say the least, an unbelievable machine. DOCTOR: Any more unbelievable than the Yetis, hm? BRIGADIER: No, true. I'm not quite so much of a sceptic as I was, since that little escapade. DOCTOR: But what's all this, and why all the cloak and dagger stuff to bring us here. BRIGADIER: Yes, I'm sorry about that, but my chaps have to be a little melodramatic in their methods. But I'll explain. Oh, do sit down. (Both JAMIE and the DOCTOR move to the centre table.) JAMIE: Thank you. DOCTOR: How nice. BRIGADIER: (To one of the soldiers.) Oh, Sergeant Walters! WALTERS: (Coming across to the BRIGADIER.) Yes sir? BRIGADIER: Lay on some tea, will you? (He crosses to the table where the DOCTOR and JAMIE are now sitting.) BRIGADIER: You'd like some tea, would you Doctor? DOCTOR: Oh thank you, and a packet of biscuits too. (The BRIGADIER sits down.) BRIGADIER: Yes, since the Yeti do, I've been in charge of an independent intelligence group that we call UNIT - that's United Nations Intelligence Taskforce. JAMIE: You mean you're like a, a... world secret police. BRIGADIER: Not quite. We don't actually arrest people - just investigate them. JAMIE: But what about us? You arrested us. BRIGADIER: Not really. You see, my men were keeping a watch on the International Electromatic Headquarters when you two showed up. I've been keeping a check on everyone going in that building. When your pictures were transmitted to this Head Quarters and I recognised you. DOCTOR: But what's so odd about people going into the building. BRIGADIER: Oh, nothing odd about them going in. The problem is, some of them haven't come out. [SCENE_BREAK] 9. IE BUILDING, OUTSIDE (ZOE and ISOBEL walk up to the tall skyscraper of the IE building, look up at it for a second, swallow their intimidation and press on in the main door.) [SCENE_BREAK] 10. IE BUILDING, LOBBY (Inside the lobby, the women meet the robot receptionist that also takes the phone calls.) ZOE: Looks like a robot reception. ISOBEL: Oh. (She spots the robot.) ISOBEL: Yes, this probably the same idiot machine that answers the telephone when you ring up. (ZOE presses a switch on its surface and starts it going.) MACHINE: International Electromatic Company. State your business. ZOE: Enquiry: Reference two persons seeking information concerning the whereabouts of Professor Watkins. (The Machine whirls to itself.) MACHINE: Wait please. (More whirls.) [SCENE_BREAK] 11. VAUGHN'S OFFICE (VAUGHN looks over a photograph of the DOCTOR & JAMIE, taken while they were outside the IE building, and considers it. He then stands and presses the wall switch to reveal the alcove and the standing apparatus.) VAUGHN: Has the information been considered? (A thickly synthesised voice replies from the apparatus.) APPARATUS: The images of the two humans have been analysed and registered. They are known and are hostile. VAUGHN: Hostile!? How can that be? Have you been on Earth before? APPARATUS: No, they have been recognised on Planet Fourteen. They are dangerous and must be destroyed. VAUGHN: (Surprised.) Planet Fourteen?! But how? APPARATUS: They must be destroyed! VAUGHN: Yes, I'll deal with them. APPARATUS: Plans for invasion are nearing completion. Nothing must be allowed to interrupt them. VAUGHN: Don't worry. Nothing will. (The machine repeats its last sentence as VAUGHN closes the alcove door. A high-pitched oscillating alarm tone sounds from his desk, and VAUGHN crosses to it and presses a switch. The monitor screens light up to show ZOE and ISOBEL confronting the automatic receptionist in the lobby.) [SCENE_BREAK] 12. IE BUILDING, LOBBY (Things are not going well and ZOE is losing patience.) ZOE: Now listen to me, you stupid, primitive machine. I asked a perfectly simple question, and I expect an answer! (The machine whirls to itself for a moment.) MACHINE: No information available. ISOBEL: It's no good Zoe. ZOE: (Pulling ISOBEL to one side.) I will not be beaten by this brainless tin box! ISOBEL: But we can't do anything about it. ZOE: Can't I? A little problem in ALGOL, I think. ISOBEL: In what? ZOE: ALGOL. It's a sort of language you talk to computers in. Now watch! (She turns to the receptionist and presses its switch again.) MACHINE: International Electromatic Company. State your business. ZOE: (To the Machine.) BEGIN REAL X SUM POSITIVE DELETE SQUARE BEGIN SUM 2 SUBSCRIPT J (The Machine begins to whirr.) ISOBEL: That's ALGOL? (ZOE nods and carries on.) ZOE: INTEGER COMPUTE PRINTOUT Y TO THE MINUS X VARIABLE 1 (The Machine begins to whirr more furiously and starts to greet them again.) ZOE: I'm enjoying this. (She completes her program.) ZOE: GOTO FINISH CONTINUE INTEGRATE ON INVERSE SINE (ISOBEL notices the machine is now beginning to spew smoke.) ISOBEL: You'd better stand back. It's getting a little heated. ZOE: (Very happy.) You bet. This equation is insoluble. ISOBEL: Zoe, I think you ought to stand back. (ZOE stands back with ISOBEL, and tells the computer...) ZOE: Now, CONTINUE PRINTOUT CONTINUOUS INTEGRATION (The machine printouts a bang and a flash, and continually integrates the curves between billows of smoke issuing from its inert innards. The two girls laugh at this.) [SCENE_BREAK] 13. VAUGHN'S OFFICE (VAUGHN smiles at the screen.) VAUGHN: (Into Communicator.) Packer! (PACKER appears on the intercom.) PACKER: (OOV.) Yes, sir? VAUGHN: Reception. Two young girls. Bring them to me. PACKER: (OOV.) Right, Mr Vaughn. (PACKER leaves to get on with this, and VAUGHN starts to laugh out loud in amusement.) [SCENE_BREAK] 14. IE BUILDING, LOBBY (ZOE and ISOBEL recline in chairs and admire ZOE's handiwork.) ZOE: It'll take more than a soldering iron to put that right. ISOBEL: Yeah, don't you think we'd better get out of here before somebody gets annoyed. ZOE: Oh yes. I think perhaps you're right. (They make for the door, where they are ambushed and grabbed by PACKER and his security men.) [SCENE_BREAK] 15. UNIT AEROPLANE (The BRIGADIER shows the DOCTOR and JAMIE a picture of a dark-haired man.) BRIGADIER: This is Gordon Jones, lecturer in physics, Churchill College, Cambridge. (He next points out a man in another picture.) BRIGADIER: Next one's a chap I knew at Sandhurst, old Billy Rutlidge. He's got himself a nice cushy number at the Ministry of Defence. DOCTOR: And all these people went into the building, the IE building, and didn't come out. BRIGADIER: No, most of them came out again, but there was something definitely odd about them when they did. DOCTOR: Odd? BRIGADIER: Yes, old Billy Rutlidge, for instance. He was quite co-operative about my investigation into Vaughn initially, but after he'd been to the IE Building, he started getting a bit sticky about it. JAMIE: (Looking through the pictures.) Doctor, would you look at that one! BRIGADIER: Do you know this man? (All three looks at the picture - it's the man that saved the TARDIS team and gave them a lift in the lorry.) JAMIE: Aye, he gave us a lift in his lorry. BRIGADIER: When did you last see him? JAMIE: This morning. BRIGADIER: This man's an agent of ours. His report is almost twelve hours overdue. JAMIE: Ah, well he did say something about some security guards on his tail. DOCTOR: I expect that he is all right. He was alright this morning when we left him. Brigadier, tell me more about this International Electromatics set-up. BRIGADIER: Oh, there isn't much to tell. The head of the group is a man named Tobias Vaughn. JAMIE: Oh yes, we've met him. A nice man. He gave me this. (He shows off the transistor radio VAUGHN gave him earlier.) DOCTOR: Jamie... BRIGADIER: Oh yes, that is just the small stuff. DOCTOR: Put it away. (JAMIE does so.) BRIGADIER: They control practically all of the major computer lines. They made their real breakthrough in micro-monolithic circuit designs undercutting practically everyone else in the market. DOCTOR: But what's your interest in this? BRIGADIER: Well, I knew a little about Vaughn before his sudden success. I put out a routine check on him and we came up with one or two things of interest. DOCTOR: Like the disappearance of Professor Watkins. BRIGADIER: Yes (The BRIGADIER nods. JAMIE "ahhs" and pushes the Doctor slightly to make his point.) DOCTOR: Jamie... (The Doctor stands up, thinking.) DOCTOR: I, um... I don't suppose you have any authority to search the building, have you? BRIGADIER: No. Vaughn's too powerful. He's got too many top people on his side. You see, Doctor, I daren't make a move against him unless I've got good reason to do so. DOCTOR: Well, it looks to me that if Jamie and I want to find the Professor, we'll have to find him in our own way. BRIGADIER: (Standing up.) That's about the sum of it. However, should you find yourself in any difficulty... Sergeant Walters! (WALTERS comes across.) WALTERS: Yes, sir? BRIGADIER: Got a TM45 handy? WALTERS: Yes, sir. Right here. (He disappears off to get it.) DOCTOR: Is that a tank? BRIGADIER: Oh no no. My units are on constant alert, so if you should find yourself in any real trouble, you can just give us a call. DOCTOR: Jolly good! (WALTERS returns with a small walkie-talkie radio.) WALTERS: Here you are, sir. BRIGADIER: Thank you, Sergeant. (The Sergeant goes back to work. The BRIGADIER holds up the TM45 and JAMIE comes over to join the group.) BRIGADIER: Now, this is a small transceiver, range of about fifty miles on a set frequency. Just press the button and ask for me. DOCTOR: Oh that's splendid! This is going to be very handy. BRIGADIER: Call me any time, I'm usually available. Now I'd better lay out transport to get you two back to London. [SCENE_BREAK] 16. WATKINS' HOUSE (Back in London, JAMIE rings the doorbell to the house and gets no answer.) JAMIE: Nope. They must have gone out. (He pushes the door, which opens. Both men enter the house.) DOCTOR: Zoe? Isobel? (They enter the photograph room and the DOCTOR spots the sandwiches left by the girls.) JAMIE: Probably gone for a walk. DOCTOR: Look Jamie, sandwiches! I'm hungry! Want one? JAMIE: Thanks. (And he takes one.) JAMIE: You know, Doctor. That chap, Mr Vaughn, doesn't seem to be a bad man. (He takes out his little radio and starts blaring some rock music again.) DOCTOR: Oh Jamie! (He grabs it and turns it off.) DOCTOR: How can I think when you've got that thing on? (The DOCTOR starts to prize the radio open to get a look inside it.) JAMIE: Hey! DOCTOR: All right! All right! JAMIE: Don't break it. DOCTOR: All right! I just want to take a look at it, that's all. (The DOCTOR first looks over the radio's circuitry with mild interest...) DOCTOR: Oh, yes. It's an interesting little piece of... (...And then his face changes to one of amazement.) JAMIE: What? DOCTOR: Well, well, well. What have we here? JAMIE: What do you mean, "what have we here?" DOCTOR: There's a... a micro-monolithic circuit in the back plane of this radio. JAMIE: What's that? DOCTOR: It's a very complex piece circuit in miniature. JAMIE: What's so odd about that? DOCTOR: It has nothing to do with the radio, as far as I can see. JAMIE: Oh Doctor, just put it back together again! DOCTOR: All right! (JAMIE starts to look around.) JAMIE: I don't suppose Zoe would have left a note, do you? (He looks at all the shelves.) JAMIE: Nope. Can't see anything... (He turns to see the DOCTOR still mucking about with the radio.) JAMIE: You might at least help me look for it. (He takes the radio (now back together) off the DOCTOR.) DOCTOR: I suggest that we try the wall. JAMIE: Hey? DOCTOR: Isobel never writes anything on paper. You can't lose a wall, remember. JAMIE: Oh. (The two arrive at the wall and find the message.) JAMIE: Ah! (Reading.) "Tired of waiting. Gone to IE offices to look for you. - Zoe and Isobel." DOCTOR: (Looking worried.) Jamie! We better go after them. [SCENE_BREAK] 17. VAUGHN'S OFFICE (VAUGHN is lecturing at ZOE and ISOBEL, who are being guarded by PACKER.) VAUGHN: You and your friend, the Doctor, have caused some considerable trouble today. First he breaks into this building and then you ruin a very expensive device. ISOBEL: Only because the stupid thing wouldn't tell us what we wanted to know. VAUGHN: Ahh, yes Miss Watkins. You're concerned about your uncle, aren't you? ISOBEL: I'd like to know where he is, yes. VAUGHN: He's perfectly well, I assure you, although a little, ah... uncooperative at the moment. Your visit here is most opportune. I think that you can be very useful to me. ISOBEL: (Puzzled.) Me? But how? VAUGHN: Your uncle needs to be "persuaded" to continue his work for me. ISOBEL: But I can't do anything about that. VAUGHN: No... But I can now! (Looking up at PACKER.) Packer, I'd like you to take care of these two young ladies please. PACKER: (To the guards.) Take them! (ISOBEL and ZOE are forced out of the room.) [SCENE_BREAK] 18. IE BUILDING, OUTSIDE (The DOCTOR and JAMIE stop outside the lobby of the IE building.) JAMIE: Thought that we were going in there to look for Zoe and Isobel. DOCTOR: The only one in there is that stupid computer, and that's not much help to us. JAMIE: But how are we going to find out that they are in there? DOCTOR: Well, if the Brigadier's men are still around, they would have seen them go in. (He turns on the little radio the BRIGADIER gave him.) DOCTOR: Hello? VOICE: (OOV.) UNIT operations, over. DOCTOR: Hello, can I speak to the Brigadier? VOICE: (OOV.) Stand by, out. (While they wait for the BRIGADIER to be put through...) DOCTOR: This is an interesting little gadget, Jamie. JAMIE: Aye, but doesn't play tunes like mine. [SCENE_BREAK] 19. UNIT AEROPLANE (The BRIGADIER takes a microphone.) BRIGADIER: Yes, Doctor. I've got a report on two girls. About nineteen or so. One of them dark, one of them fair. One of them was wearing some very distinct clothes. JAMIE: (OOV.) Zoe. Doctor, they've got Zoe... DOCTOR: (OOV.) Jamie, just a minute please. Brigadier... BRIGADIER: Yes? DOCTOR: (OOV.) These clothes. Did they include... a rather brightly-coloured feather boa? (The BRIGADIER checks the photographs.) BRIGADIER: Yes, the little dark one was wearing that. They friends of yours? DOCTOR: (OOV.) Yes, I'm afraid they are. JAMIE: (OOV.) Doctor, come on, let's get after them... DOCTOR: (OOV.) All right, all right, Jamie. Brigadier, ah, we are going to try to get into the building and try to find them. BRIGADIER: Yes, well, be careful. You may not be so lucky this time. Call me if you get into trouble. DOCTOR: (OOV.) Thanks. BRIGADIER: Right, over and out. (The BRIGADIER's men look around in bemusement at the odd way the DOCTOR and JAMIE spoke on the radio. A young man in a Captain's uniform approaches - TURNER, whom the BRIGADIER calls Jimmy.) TURNER: Is it wise to let them go in alone, sir? I mean, they don't exactly sound like professionals to me. BRIGADIER: Don't underestimate them, Jimmy. They may look like amateurs, but that man has an incredible knack of being one jump ahead of everyone. If there is a safe way into that place, he'll be the one to find it. [SCENE_BREAK] 20. RAILWAY (The DOCTOR and JAMIE come to the end of a set of railroad tracks which leads to an unlocked fence gate, which they use to get into the back of the IE compound.) JAMIE: You're right, you know. It does lead to the back of the place. DOCTOR: Yes, of course, Jamie. Come on. [SCENE_BREAK] 21. VAUGHN'S OFFICE (GREGORY looks worried again at Mr. VAUGHN as he stares at the DOCTOR's circuits.) GREGORY: I'm sorry, sir, but these circuits don't make sense. The material isn't any known metal alloy. In fact, the structure's more like that of a plastic. What's more, the connections seems to be to be completely illogical. (VAUGHN turns from his office window.) VAUGHN: Hmm. How very interesting. This strange Doctor intrigues me more and more. GREGORY: I can do some more tests on the circuits if you like, sir, but... VAUGHN: No, I think I know the answer, Gregory. You can go. GREGORY: Yes, sir. (GREGORY goes, worriedly. VAUGHN again touches the wall panel.) VAUGHN: I need more data about this man that you say you recognise. This Doctor? APPARATUS: It is enough that you know he is hostile. He must be destroyed. VAUGHN: You said you recognised him on Planet Fourteen. How is this possible? APPARATUS: These questions are unnecessary. He must be destroyed. VAUGHN: That is for me to decide. APPARATUS: You will obey. VAUGHN: (Suddenly shouts at the machine.) YOU FORGET I CONTROL THE OPERATION FROM EARTH! UNLESS THAT IS CLEARLY UNDERSTOOD, OUR PARTNERSHIP WILL CEASE. Tell that to your leader. (The machine's whirrs change pitch, and it rotates more rapidly as it appears to transmit and receive data.) APPARATUS: It has been agreed. VAUGHN: (Back in his usual calm voice.) I felt sure you would be reasonable. Now, you say you recognise this Doctor on Planet Fourteen. How did he get there? APPARATUS: He has a machine. VAUGHN: What sort of machine? APPARATUS: We have no more information. But he must be destroyed. The invasion must succeed. VAUGHN: It will. The Doctor will be taken care of. I shall see to that personally. [SCENE_BREAK] 22. WAREHOUSE (The DOCTOR and JAMIE duck behind a corner inside a large warehouse in the IE compound. They watch as a workman carries in a very large crate with one arm. They both speak to each other in whispers.) DOCTOR: That's incredible! JAMIE: What? DOCTOR: The ease with which that man carried that crate. JAMIE: It could be empty. DOCTOR: Is it? (After they check that the man has gone, they creep up to the crate and attempt to open it, and then to try and shift it, succeeding in neither effort.) JAMIE: He must have been a superman. DOCTOR: Odd, Jamie, it's distinctly odd. (Footsteps can again be heard.) JAMIE: Someone coming! (They run and hide, and the superman appears again. He is again carrying a giant crate, which he again places on the floor, next to the last one.) DOCTOR: Amazing. JAMIE: Yes... Come on, let's find Zoe and Isobel and get out of here. These fellers are giving me the creeps. DOCTOR: Yes. (They walk on - trying to keep out of everybody's way.) [SCENE_BREAK] 23. VAUGHN'S OFFICE (The alarm bell rings on VAUGHN's desk, and he answers it.) VAUGHN: Yes? (PACKER's face appears on the screen.) PACKER: (OOV.) They're back again, Mr. Vaughn. The Doctor and the boy. Security eye picked them up in the warehouse. VAUGHN: (Sneering.) Rather unfortunate for them, isn't it Packer? PACKER: (OOV.) Shall I put a full security alert on, sir? VAUGHN: No, Packer. We don't want to frighten them off, do we? Just close off the area and we'll flush them out. Have you dealt with the two young ladies yet? PACKER: (OOV.) No sir. I was about to when this new alert happened. VAUGHN: How fortunate. We need a sprat to catch our mackerel. Take them down to the warehouse area. [SCENE_BREAK] 24. WAREHOUSE (The DOCTOR and JAMIE continue their search of the warehouse. JAMIE looks about him.) JAMIE: It's like a maze. We're lost. DOCTOR: There'll be a door to the main building somewhere. (Two screams - unmistakably ZOE's and ISOBEL's ring out.) JAMIE: Zoe and Isobel! Come on. (They turn and run back along the corridor they came along. In a open area, two guards are carrying ZOE and ISOBEL, who are unconscious, towards two crates, while being watched by PACKER.) PACKER: Right! Put 'em inside! (PACKER watches the guards load the unconscious forms of ZOE and ISOBEL into two of the crates.) PACKER: Load it onto the return van. (JAMIE sees the guards pick up the crates.) JAMIE: Come on! (JAMIE starts to charge out of his hiding place.) DOCTOR: (Dismayed.) No, Jamie, Wait. (JAMIE rounds the corner and tackles PACKER to the floor.) PACKER: (Shouting.) GUARDS! GUARDS! (JAMIE lets go of PACKER, and he and the DOCTOR start to run away. Meanwhile, the other guards and some friends of theirs hear PACKER's cries and turn towards them. The DOCTOR tries to lead JAMIE away, but their way is blocked by more guards. PACKER draws his revolver as he pulls up off the floor, and gloats at the DOCTOR and JAMIE, and their raised hands of surrender.) PACKER: Caught... like rats in a trap...

The Doctor and Jamie are taken prisoner by their mysterious observers and have a reunion with an old friend while Zoe and Isobel carry out their own investigation of IE.

fd_Frasier_02x05

fd_Frasier_02x05_0

Act 1 Scene 1 - KACL Fade in. Frasier is on the air. Frasier: Thank you for your call, Lorraine. And now, before we break for a commercial, Roz has an important message. Roz? He looks over, but Roz isn't in her booth. Frasier sits for a moment, then speaks up. Frasier: What's that, Roz? Can't come to the mike right now? Well, what she wanted to say was... He gets up, leans over and tries to read the notice through the connecting window. Frasier: Tomorrow, on Amber Edwards's "Book Chat," sociologist Lamont Myman discusses his book, "Violence in the Workplace: Why Co-Workers Kill." Something which becomes more relevant With each passing moment. We'll be right back after these messages. CUT TO: the hallway. Roz is pounding on the candy machine and yelling. Frasier comes out. Roz: Cough it up, you piece of tin! Frasier: Roz! Roz: What are you doing out here? Frasier: One might ask the same question of you. Isn't it customary to wait until the show comes to a complete stop before exiting? Roz: I have a little urge. [She pounds on the machine again.] Damn it! Frasier: What is the matter with you? Roz: [rocking the machine] I have GOT to have some CHOCOLATE! It's kind of a celebration. At 11:07 this morning, I finished one of those magazine diets: Seven Days to a Healthier, Calmer You. She shoves her hands in the drop part of the machine, Frasier comes up and grabs her. Frasier: Now, Roz. Come on, come on, Roz, come on. Look, I'm doing this for your own good. He pulls her away and she kicks the machine. Roz: Wait! Something came out. [She reaches in and grabs it.] Oh, damn! Chocolate covered raisins. She heads back to her booth, Frasier following. Roz: I'd like to meet the idiot that came up with these. Take a grape, let it shrivel into a disgusting little wart and cover it with perfectly good chocolate. [She rips the package open.] What the hell. I'll just suck the chocolate off. Frasier: Be sure to save what's left, maybe you can make some wine. He goes back to his side, Niles comes into Roz's booth. He stares at her for a few moments as she sucks the chocolate off and spits the raisins into a paper cup. She finally notices him. Niles: See all those years of finishing school really paid off. She spits a raisin at him as he ducks into Frasier's booth. Niles: Mon frere? Frasier: Hmm? Niles: We're in luck! He hops up on the console and a piercing tone erupts. He desperately stabs at the buttons, until Frasier hits one on his console to shut it off. Niles carefully eases up on the console. Niles: I've just come back from my broker. Meadow Wood Properties still has one share left in that mini-mall deal, I think we should go halfsies and buy it. Give me five, bro. Frasier: I'm not giving you anything. I told you I'm not interested. Niles: You can't afford not to be interested. It's a twelve percent return. We've a chance to make a real killing here. Roz comes in. Frasier: Niles, why is it so important to you? You and Maris are already wallowing in money like a couple of yuppie hogs. Niles: This has nothing to do Maris. I'm making this investment entirely with my own money. Frasier: And mine! Niles: And yours! Roz: Oh, come on, Frasier, show some understanding. Maris uses her money to emasculate the poor guy, and this is his pathetic attempt to stop feeling like a financial eunuch and regain some shred of his former manhood. [giving Niles the once-over] Such as it was. Niles: [un-offended, to Frasier] Well? Frasier: Twelve percent? Niles: Net! And, if you're unhappy at the end of the year, I'll buy you out and you can go back to that cozy two percent your bank is giving you. Frasier: Okay, okay. I'm in. Niles: Oh, thank you Frasier! He shakes Frasier's hand, then follows Roz to her side. Niles: And thank you, Roz. That "financial eunuch" bit was inspired. Great stuff, great stuff. Roz: Yeah, well, look what I had to work with. Niles makes a little "Well, right" toss of his head and leaves. [SCENE_BREAK] SCENT OF A WOMAN Scene 2 - Frasier's Apartment Fade in. Martin is sitting at the table, clipping coupons. Frasier is standing nearby. Martin: Hey, check this baby out: twenty-five cents off on a package of Butter Buds imitation utter. Frasier: My, I can taste that scampi now. He goes to throw some paper away. Daphne comes in from her room wearing a red, oriental style dress. Daphne: Well? Martin lets out a wolf whistle. Frasier: Well, Daphne, very nice. Daphne: Thank you. Frasier: No, thank YOU. Daphne: I'd be more flattered if I didn't know how hard up you both are right now. I'm going out with Derek again tonight. But I'm having trouble choosing a fragrance. I've got it pinned down to these two. [she sprays one] "Heather" - fresh and bouncy as a spring morning, or [she sprays the other] "Forbidden" - your passport to erotic realms of pleasure. Martin and Frasier smell them. Martin: How many times you been out with this guy? Daphne: This is our third date. Martin and Frasier share a look and - Both: Forbidden. Daphne sprays some in the air and walks into it. Daphne: Why is it so important this is our third date? Frasier: [going to the couch and sitting down] Well, Daphne, sexual mores being what they are in America, the third date is usually the place where two healthy adults decide whether or not to... take it to the next level. Daphne: Excuse me?! What kind of a randy custom is that? First date, second date, whoops, let's all pitch our knickers?! The doorbell rings and she heads for the door. Daphne: The third date may mean that to you Americans, [She opens the door to reveal Niles.] but it takes more than three dinners to get bangers and mash with Daphne Moon. Niles is a little stunned. Daphne: Hello, Dr. Crane. Niles: Hello, Daphne. You look even lovelier than usual this evening. Daphne: Thank you. He comes in, then sniffs the air. He turns around and gets closer to her to get a good whiff. Niles: Is that "Forbidden"? Frasier: In every sense of the word! Daphne: [heading for her room] I think I'll just scrub me neck with an unscented soap. If you ask me, you Americans have an unhealthy obsession with s*x. Martin: Hey, I'm sorry we can't all be as chaste and restrained as the Royal Family. Daphne turns and gives him a look, the goes to her room. Martin gets up and heads for his. Frasier: [laughing] Good one, Dad! Martin: I've been savin' it! He exits to the hallway. Niles: Frasier, I come bearing good news. I just spoke to my broker: Meadow Wood Properties has already leased eighty-five percent of the space in the proposed mini-mall. Instead of twelve percent, they are projecting a fifteen percent return on our money! Frasier: This is fantastic! What say we go celebrate with a nice dinner at an exclusive boite? Niles: Yes, but the question remains, what boite? Frasier: Charise? Niles: Too noisy. Frasier: Alsace? Niles: Too bright. Frasier: Papillion? Niles: Too crowded. Frasier: We've run out of boites. Niles: A city this size and only three boites. Frasier: How do we live? Martin: [coming from his room] Hey, I'm goin' down to Duke's. What are you guys doin'? Frasier: Well, we're trying to find some place to eat. Martin: Well, when you get through, why don't you swing by and have a beer with me? The boys look stunned and stand up. Frasier: At Duke's? Martin: Yeah. Niles: Us? Martin: Yeah. Frasier: With you? Martin: What am I speaking, Swahili? Yeah! You two. At Duke's. With me. A beer. If you want. Geez! He leaves and the boys, stunned, sit down on the couch in unison. Niles: My God, do you believe that? Frasier: No. No one in the family's ever been invited to Duke's. Niles: Not even Mother, and there were times she could be quite the old rummy. They thoughtfully rub their chins, again in unison. Daphne comes from her room and gets her coat. Frasier: I wonder why now, after thirty years, he's suddenly inviting us down there. Daphne: Cheerio. Frasier: Daphne, Daphne. Has Dad said anything to you about us and Duke's? Has he been planning this? Daphne: You mean... behind your backs? Niles: Precisely. Daphne: No! What a couple of Wallys! I mean, I have never met a family that worked so hard at being uncomfortable with each other. Could it be that he just wants to lift a pint with his sons? Niles: [standing up] No. Duke's is where Dad hangs up with his cop buddies. Where he goes to escape the stresses, strains and petty annoyances of everyday life. Frasier: In other words, us. Daphne: Well, I suppose you could sit around here analyzing why he invited you and end up frittering the night away. Or, here's a thought: you could just go down there and find out for yourselves. She leaves. Frasier: You know, for a lay person, she has a way of cuttin' right through the crap, doesn't she? [SCENE_BREAK] WHERE NOBODY KNOWS THEIR NAMES Scene 3 - Duke's Fade in. There is a neon sign flashing "Duke's". We pan across the bar to see a room full of working class men drinking, smoking and talking. Martin is at the bar talking with friends. Frasier and Niles enter and look around. Niles: Oh, my God, it's a room full of Dads. Frasier: Oh, look, there he is, there he is! Oh, look at him, holding court. No wonder he likes it down here so much, they're all hanging on his every word. Martin and the others break up laughing. Niles: Wow, that's the most fun I've ever seen him have without a remote control in his hands. Martin: Hey, Frasier, Niles! I'm glad you could make it. Yeah, come on in, I want you to meet some of the guys I was on the force with. Hey guys, these are my boys. This is Frasier, he's on the radio. Joe: [yelling] Hey, this is Marty's kid, the guy on the radio! Everyone cheers and shakes his hand. Niles looks a bit put out at being ignored. Joe: Hey, Frasier. Joe Herman. Nice to meet you. Hey, check this out. "I'm listening." Frasier: [humoring him] It's like hearing a recording of myself. Niles: [pulling on Martin's sleeve] Dad? Dad, Dad. Martin: What? Oh, yeah, and this is my other son, Niles. He's a psychiatrist, too. [No response.] He married money! Everyone yells "All right!" and "Way to go!" Niles takes the attention happily. Martin: Hey, Duke. Duke, come on, I want you to meet my boys. Yeah, this is Frasier, and this is Niles. Duke: Hey, how are ya? Hey, how about a couple of Duke's Specials for you guys? Niles: And what would those be? Duke: Boilermaker. A shot of whiskey, beer back. Niles: Oh, darn, we've been drinking those all night. Maybe it's time we switched to sherry. [off Martin and Frasier's looks] Two boilermakers, please. Duke: It's great finally meetin' you guys. Martin's been tellin' us about you since you were kids. Frasier: Aw, Dad. Duke: I tell you Frasier, we all felt terrible when you heard your wife was screwin' around behind your back. What was her name again? Everyone: Lilith! Frasier glares at Martin who looks a bit uncomfortable. Martin: Hey, it was a slow night, all right?! [He grabs his beer and goes out on the floor.] All right, all right everybody, settle down here, settle down. I wanna make a toast. For thirty years, Duke's has been my home away from home. I look around here tonight and I see a lot of friends, and I wanna say I'm gonna miss you. And I'm gonna miss this joint too. And may there be a special place in hell for those SOBs who are tearin' it down to build some damn mini-mall. Frasier and Niles look a bit uncomfortable. Everyone: Yeah! Martin: Those snivelling, rat-face bastards from Meadow Wood Properties! Everyone: Yeah! Martin: To Duke's! Everyone: To Duke's! Frasier and Niles toss back their whiskeys and slam the glasses on the bar. Frasier: Two more! [SCENE_BREAK] End of Act 1 Act 2 Scene 1 - Caf Nervosa Fade in. Niles and Frasier are sitting at the bookcase table. Niles: Did you talk to your lawyer? Frasier: Yes, he's examined the contract. Our checks have cleared. I even talked to the general partner, he says there's no way they're willing to even consider moving the site. The deal's going through. Niles: Maybe we could have Duke's declared a historical landmark, it's been there forty years. Frasier: I doubt that, Niles. They already tore down Seattle's first Pony Express office to build this place. He taps the table. Niles: Damn! Roz comes over with coffees. Roz: Here you go, guys, one cappuccino, one latte, and hey, these are on me. Frasier: Oh! Niles: This guilt is driving me crazy. Roz: It should, you make about ten times more than I do. Niles: Duke's was his whole life. Frasier: Well, Niles, there's nothing we can do about it, really. You know, look at it this way: we're actually doing Dad a service, stopping him from going out and drinking. And the other policemen as well. Maybe we're even performing a community service. Men with guns will have one less place to go and liquor up. Niles: There's always Roz's place. Roz: Well, what do you say about me when I'm not around? Niles: I think the only way I'm going to feel better is if I just bite the bullet and tell Dad. Roz: The way I see it, your situation is like a woman who has one crazy night and cheats on her boyfriend. And the only reason for this woman to confess is to make herself feel better. So, the best thing she can do is just keep her mouth shut. Unless, of course, her boyfriend walks in on her and the other guy because he decides to come home from Portland on the midnight flight instead of driving back like he said he would, so in that case, he's the liar and why should she feel bad?! Frasier: Thank you, Roz, for that purely theoretical example. Fact is, I happen to agree with you. Niles, if we tell him now, it will only hurt him. We've got to keep this quiet. Niles: All right, I just don't think it can be done. Frasier: Of course it can be done! Niles: You mean to say, you can look Dad in the eye, day after day, knowing you have destroyed his sanctuary, and not tell him? You can live with that? Frasier: Niles, you're forgetting: I married Lilith, I can live with anything. [SCENE_BREAK] SLEEPLESS IN SEATTLE (you knew we had to do it eventually) Scene 2 - Frasier's Apartment Fade in. It is night, Eddie is on Martin's chair. Frasier comes in from his room. He walks over to the piano and turns on the neon "Duke's" sign. He looks at Eddie, who stares back. Frasier: You buy into an investment GROUP, Eddie, you don't know! Eddie runs off to Daphne's room, Frasier sits at the table. Martin comes in from his room and turns on the lights. Frasier: Oh, hi, Dad. What are you doing up? Martin: Oh, I reached over in my sleep and Eddie wasn't there. Frasier: You need a woman, Dad. Martin: Tell me about it. Oh, you turned the sign on. That was nice of Duke to give to me. You hold a glass of beer in front of it, it turns green. Martin goes into the kitchen. After a pause, Frasier follows him. Reset to - the kitchen. Martin is looking through the refrigerator as Frasier comes in. Frasier: Dad, Niles and I are investors in the company that's tearing down Duke's. Martin straightens up, but doesn't say anything. Frasier: We didn't know! When we found out, we tried to get out of it, but we couldn't. Martin pulls out a carton of milk and turns to pour a glass. Frasier: Oh, geez, yell at me Dad, will you please? Just hit me or something, hit me with your cane. Just don't stand there. Martin swings his arm over and pours milk down the front of Frasier's robe. Frasier wipes it up and Martin puts the milk away. Martin: Let me see if I got this right: in the last year, you give my chair away, you lose my dog, and now you demolish my bar. What's next? I'm gonna find out you're the one who shot me in the hip? He heads for the living room. Frasier: I have an alibi for that one. Reset to - the living room as they come out. Martin: You have an alibi for everything. Frasier: Dad, it's not like I did this on purpose, I'm part of a huge investment group. Martin: You know, I don't get it. You guys stood there and watched me and my friends get all weepy and you didn't say anything. Frasier: Well, what did you want us to say? "Say fellas, here's something ironic..." Martin: Well, why the hell didn't you at least tell me? Frasier: I don't know. I guess... I guess maybe it was because when you invited me down to Duke's, it felt like we were finally getting closer. It was a momentous step. Martin: It was a beer! Frasier: Not to me! It was validation. Finally I was one of the guys you wanted to hang out with. I, I didn't want to spoil that. Martin: I woulda had you down there before, I just figured it was the kinda place you'd look down your nose at. Frasier: [considering] Well, you're probably right. Anyway, I'm sorry. Martin: Well maybe I spent too much time at Duke's anyway. He sits down in his chair. Frasier: What do you mean? Martin: Oh, you know. When you kids were growing up, maybe if I'd spent less time at Duke's and more time with you, maybe I'd be sittin' across from a son who put so much stock in one beer. Frasier: You know, I was actually having a pretty good time down there at Duke's. Until I found out I was the one responsible for obliterating it from the face of the planet. Martin: I liked havin' you there, too, son. Frasier: Thanks, Dad. He reaches over and begins smoothing Martin's sleep ruffled hair. Frasier: Do you mind, Dad? It's driving me crazy, it looks like hell. Martin: [getting up] Hey, you know what? We got a couple hours before that wrecking ball comes. How 'bout you and I go down there and have one more beer? Frasier: To Duke's? Martin: Yeah. Frasier: Now? Martin: Yeah. Frasier: You and me? Us, together? Martin: Oh, not this again! He goes in the kitchen. Frasier: Yeah, yeah, all right, great! Martin: [returning with a six-pack] Just you, me, and Charlie Ballantine. Frasier: I'll meet you right back here in a minute. He turns to head for his bedroom, but the front door opens. It is Daphne, coming home. Frasier: Oh, good evening, Daphne. Or should I say, good morning? Daphne rolls her eyes and leans against the door as she closes it. Frasier: How was your... date with Derek? Daphne: We had a wonderful time. First we went to dinner, then to the symphony. Then we took a lovely moonlight stroll through the park. He's a perfect gentleman, is Derek. She goes to hang up her coat and go to her room, but the hem of her skirt is tucked up in the waistband and there is a tear in one of her leggings. Most suggestive of all, she's missed a button in the back of her shirt and her bare back is matted with grass clippings. Frasier and Martin stare after her as she exits. Frasier: Apparently, in England, it's the fourth date. Martin nods. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene 4 - Duke's Fade in. The bar is now stripped out. Frasier and Martin are sitting on crates, drinking beers and singing. Both: ...and I'll be here, in sunshine or in shadow. Oh, Danny boy, oh, Danny boy, I love you so... [Martin signals Frasier to raise his pitch, they finish] Martin: That was good. That reminds me of old Mickey Doogan. I remember one Fourth of July, we were on mounted patrol, leadin' a big parade down Broad Street. It was a real scorcher that day, musta been a hundred degrees, and I'm sittin' on top of a thousand pounds of hot, sweaty horse. I musta been complainin' a bit, 'cause as we ride by Duke's, Mickey gets fed up and says "If you want a damn beer so bad, shut up and get one." So I ride old Agides right through the front door, right up to the bar and order myself a beer. Duke plays it cool as a cucumber and says "And what'll your friend have?" I say, "Nothin', he's drivin." He laughs, Frasier laughs politely. Martin: I've told ya that one before, haven't I? Frasier: Yeah. Martin: [rising] Oh, what a place. Frasier: You want another beer, Dad? Martin: Sure, why not? He stares out the main window, then looks around the bar. Martin: Sun's up. You look around this place, in the golden early morning light... it's still a dump. I'm gonna miss it, though. Frasier gets up and gives Martin his beer. Frasier: Yeah, I know what it is to have a neighborhood bar. I remember the last time I walked out of my old watering hole back in Boston. A strangely emotional day. Martin: It's the people, I guess. Saying goodbye to a lot of people. Frasier: You know, Dad, just because you're saying goodbye to this place, doesn't mean you can't see your buddies just as much as you always did. Martin: Yeah, it does. Frasier: Yeah, you're right. They sit back down. Martin: But that's life, huh? You move on. Only a fool tries to fight it. Niles rushes in. Martin: What are you doing here? Niles: I'm here to stop the demolition. What are you doing here? Martin: We came to say goodbye. Niles: You may not have to. I've alerted my lawyers. I intend to stand here and face down the bulldozers. I'm prepared to take this thing to the highest court in the land. Frasier: Niles, you don't have to do that. I've had a discussion with Dad, he forgives us. Martin: Sure son, don't worry about it. It's okay. Niles: Is it really okay? I think NOT! Because today it's Duke's, but tomorrow, it's Moe's. And the day after that, it's Ernie's Tap Room. See, I'm not just here for you, Dad. I'm doin' this for every little guy out there who found some solace at the end of a hard day by bellying up at his neighborhood bar. I'm here to show faceless corporate America they can't just come in here without so much as a "How de do" and shove the little guy aside. Even when I'M that faceless corporate America! I'm here to fight the good fight, to show those sniveling rat-faced heathens there's still some fury pounding in the heart of John Q. Public! A wrecking ball smashes through the main window, Frasier and Martin run out. Niles: On the other hand, who am I to stand in the way of progress? He races for the door. End of Act 2 [SCENE_BREAK] The sign from Duke's is on and flashing. All of Martin's friends are here, drinking and smoking cigars. Frasier, completely frustrated, rushes around passing out coasters, getting a man off the phone and spraying air freshener.

Niles and Frasier invest in a real estate project, not knowing that part of its plan is to destroy the bar Martin has cherished for 40 years.

fd_Doctor_Who_05x11

fd_Doctor_Who_05x11_0

EXT. PARK, DAY The TARDIS materializes and the DOCTOR opens the door to look around. DOCTOR: No, Amy, it's definitely not the fifth moon of Sinda Callista. I think I can see a Ryman's. There is a blast from inside the TARDIS and the DOCTOR is knocked to the ground. DOCTOR: Amy! Amy! The TARDIS dematerializes. INT. TARDIS The TARDIS is out of control and wires are sparking. AMY pulls herself up and looks at the monitor. AMY: Doctor! It's saying we're on Earth! Essex, Colchester. The TARDIS stops shaking and AMY realizes the DOCTOR isn't there. AMY: Doctor?! It's taking off again. Doctor, can you hear me? EXT. PARK, DAY The DOCTOR looks at where the TARDIS used to be. DOCTOR: Amy! Amy... EXT. RESIDENTIAL STREET, DAY ONE DAY LATER... A YOUNG MAN is walking down the street when he hears a man's voice over the front door intercom. VOICE: Hello? Hello, please? Hello? I need your help. There's been an accident. The YOUNG MAN approaches and stands hesitantly in front of the door. VOICE: Please, help me. With a buzz, the door opens and the YOUNG MAN enters. INT. HOUSE FRONT HALL, DAY We look down the stairs into the front hall as the YOUNG MAN steps inside. The lights flicker. YOUNG MAN: Hello? VOICE: Please, will you help me? The YOUNG MAN shuts the door. YOUNG MAN: Help you? What's wrong? A figure in silhouette stands at the top of the stairs. VOICE: Something terrible's happened. Please help me. The YOUNG MAN climbs the stairs and enters the upstairs flat. The door closes seemingly on its own. INT. PARLOR, DAY A woman, SOPHIE, takes off her jacket and drapes it over a desk chair while the occupant of the flat, CRAIG, is in the kitchen. SOPHIE: Craig, what's that on the ceiling? CRAIG: What's what on the ceiling? SOPHIE: That! (points to a large stain) It's coming from upstairs. Who lives up there again? CRAIG: Just some bloke. CRAIG returns to fixing the tea and doesn't see the stain spread. He brings the tea to SOPHIE and joins her on the couch. CRAIG: So what's the plan tonight? Pizza, booze, telly? SOPHIE: Yeah, pizza, booze, telly. There is a load thumping and banging from upstairs. SOPHIE: What is he doing up there? INT. HOUSE FRONT HALL, DAY We look up to the top flat as the lights flicker and electricity buzzes. INT. PARLOR, DAY CRAIG is looking up at the ceiling. SOPHIE: You put the advert up yet? CRAIG: Yeah, did it today, paper shop window. "One furnished room available immediately, shared kitchen, bathroom, with 27-year-old male, non smoker, 400 pcm - per calendar month - suit young professional." SOPHIE'S mobile rings. SOPHIE: Mmm, sounds ideal. That's your mission in life, Craig. Find me a man! (gets up and gets jacket) CRAIG: Yeah, otherwise you'll have to settle for me. SOPHIE: You'll have to settle for me first. (looks at phone) Oh, Melina again. (answers) What? Right. Yeah, but I've kind of got plans. CRAIG stands on a chair to examine the stain. SOPHIE: No, it's nothing important, it's just Craig. CRAIG: Oh, thanks, Soph! SOPHIE: (to CRAIG) Sorry, you know what I mean! (into phone) OK. I'll talk to Craig, OK. (shuts off phone) Now she's having a Dylan crisis on top of the Clare crisis. It could be another all-nighter. I'm sorry, but I really should go. Do you mind if I go? CRAIG: No, not at all. No, honestly, course not, go. SOPHIE: Cos I could stay. CRAIG: No, go on. SOPHIE: I mean, we've got plans. CRAIG: Just pizza. SOPHIE: Yeah, it's just pizza. They look awkwardly at each other for a moment. SOPHIE: OK! Right, I'm going. CRAIG: All right, then. Well, um, I'll see you soon. SOPHIE: (opens door) Yeah. CRAIG: All right, and give me a call, I hope everything's OK. SOPHIE: Thanks, sorry. (closes the door behind her) INT. HOUSE FRONT HALL, DAY Upon closing the door, SOPHIE leans back against it with a sigh. As she heads for the front door, she hears more banging from upstairs. She looks and sees a man through the stained glass window. SOPHIE leaves. INT. PARLOR, DAY CRAIG nervously snaps his fingers as he walks to his kitchen. On the refrigerator door, he has a photo of himself and SOPHIE. CRAIG: Just tell her. Just tell her. "I love you." "I love you." Oh, jus... "Hey, I don't know if you knew..." Oh! (bangs head against fridge) The front doorbell rings. CRAIG looks around and sees SOPHIE'S keys. CRAIG: Every time! (grabs keys) I love you. I love you. INT. HOUSE FRONT HALL, DAY CRAIG goes to the front door. CRAIG: I love you. I love you! (opens door) EXT. HOUSE, DAY CRAIG: I love you! CRAIG is stunned to see the DOCTOR on his doorstep, not SOPHIE. The DOCTOR is wearing an earpiece. DOCTOR: Well, that's good, cos I'm your new lodger. Do you know, (takes keys) this is going to be easier than I expected! [SCENE_BREAK] Matt Smith Karen Gillan "The Lodger" by Gareth Roberts Producer Tracie Simpson Patrick Schweitzer Director Catherine Mooreshead [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. HOUSE, DAY CRAIG: But I only just put the advert up today, I didn't put my address. DOCTOR: Well, aren't you lucky I came along? More lucky than you know. (looks up) Less of a young professional, more of an ancient amateur, but frankly I'm an absolute dream. CRAIG: (flustered) Hang on, mate, I don't know if I want you staying, and give me back those keys, you can't have those! DOCTOR: Yes, quite right. Have some rent. (hands CRAIG a small paper bag) CRAIG opens the bag to see it filled with cash notes. DOCTOR: That's probably quite a lot, isn't it? Looks like a lot. Is it a lot? I can never tell. The DOCTOR steps past CRAIG into the house. CRAIG follows, closing the door. INT. HOUSE FRONT HALL, DAY The lights flicker again. DOCTOR: Don't spend it all on sweets. Unless you like sweets. I like sweets. Ooh. (gives CRAIG Gallic air kisses) That's how we greet each other nowadays, isn't it? I'm the Doctor. Well, they call me the Doctor, I don't know why. I call me the Doctor too. Still don't know why. CRAIG: Craig Owens. The Doctor? DOCTOR: Yep. Who lives upstairs? CRAIG: Just some bloke. DOCTOR: What does he look like? CRAIG: Normal. He's very quiet.(there is a loud bang from above) Usually. Sorry, who are you again? Hello?! INT. PARLOR, DAY The DOCTOR enters the flat followed by CRAIG. CRAIG: Excuse me? The DOCTOR goes straight to the corner with the spreading stain on the ceiling. DOCTOR: Ah! I suppose that's...dry rot? CRAIG: Or damp. Or mildew. DOCTOR: Or none of the above. CRAIG: I'll get someone to fix it. DOCTOR: No, I'll fix it. I'm good at fixing rot. Call me the Rotmeister. No, I'm the Doctor, don't call me the Rotmeister. This is the most beautiful parlour I have ever seen, you're obviously a man of impeccable taste. (sits on countertop) I can stay, Craig, can't I? Say I can. CRAIG: You haven't even seen the room. DOCTOR: The room? CRAIG: Your room. DOCTOR: My room? Oh, yes, my room, my room. Take me to my room! INT. DOCTOR'S BEDROOM, DAY CRAIG: Yeah, this is Mark's old room, he owns the place, moved out about a month ago. An uncle he'd never even heard of died and left a load of money. DOCTOR: (tests bed) How very convenient. This'll do just right. In fact... (more noise from above) No time to lose. I'll take it. Ah...you'll want to see my credentials. (takes out psychic paper and keeps switching it) There...National Insurance number... NHS number... References.... CRAIG: Is that a reference from the Archbishop of Canterbury? DOCTOR: I'm his special favourite. (puts a finger to his lips) Are you hungry? I'm hungry. CRAIG: I haven't got anything in. INT. KITCHEN, DAY The DOCTOR raids the fridge and cabinets. DOCTOR: You've got everything I need for an omelette fines herbes! Pour deux! (begins to cook) So who's the girl on the fridge? CRAIG: My friend. Sophie. DOCTOR: Girlfriend? CRAIG: A friend who is a girl. There's nothing going on. DOCTOR: Ah, that's completely normal. Works for me. CRAIG: We met at work about a year ago at the call centre. DOCTOR: Oh, really, a communications exchange? That could be handy. CRAIG: Firm's going down though. The bosses are using a totally rubbish business model. I know what they should do, I got a plan all worked out, but I'm just a phone drone, I can't go running in saying I know best. Why am I telling you this? I don't even know you. DOCTOR: I've got one of those faces. People never stop blurting out their plans while I'm around. CRAIG: Right, where's your stuff? DOCTOR: Don't worry, it'll materialise, if all goes to plan. EXT. PARK, DAY The TARDIS attempts to materialize. INT. TARDIS AMY is frustrated with the controls and the TARDIS in general. AMY: Oh, which one, which one?! No! Why won't you land?! EXT. PARK, DAY The TARDIS dematerializes. INT. PARLOR, DAY The DOCTOR and CRAIG have just finished their eggs. CRAIG: Oh, that was incredible! That was absolutely brilliant. Where did you learn to cook? DOCTOR: Paris, in the 18th century. No, hang on, that's not recent, is it? 17th? No, no, no, 20th. Sorry, I'm not used to doing them in the right order. CRAIG: Has anyone ever told you that you're a bit weird? DOCTOR: They never really stop. Ever been to Paris, Craig? CRAIG: Nah, I can't see the point of Paris. I'm not much of a traveller. DOCTOR: I can tell from your sofa. CRAIG: My sofa? DOCTOR: You're starting to look like it. CRAIG: (laughs) Thanks, mate, that's lovely! No, I like it here. (fondles the keychain) I'd miss it, I'd miss... DOCTOR: Those keys? CRAIG: What? DOCTOR: You're sort of... fondling them. CRAIG: I'm holding them. (sets them on sofa arm) DOCTOR: Right. CRAIG: Anyway...(gets up and walks to table by the door and fishes out a set of keys) these... these are your keys. DOCTOR: I can stay? (the DOCTOR meets him halfway) CRAIG: Yeah, you're weird and you can cook, it's good enough for me. (holds up each key) Right, outdoor, front door, your door. DOCTOR: My door. My place. My gaff. (takes keys) Ha-ha! Yes! Me with a key. CRAIG: And listen, Mark and I, we had an arrangement where if you ever need me out of your hair, just give me a shout, OK? (winks) DOCTOR: (winks back) Why would I want that? CRAIG: In case you want to bring someone round. A girlfriend or... a boyfriend? DOCTOR: Oh, I will. I'll shout if that happens. Yes. Something like... I WAS NOT EXPECTING THIS! By the way, that... the rot. I've got the strangest feeling we shouldn't touch it. (leaves) INT. DOCTOR'S BEDROOM, NIGHT The DOCTOR flops on the bed, the communicator blinking in his ear. DOCTOR: Earth to Pond, Earth to Pond. INT. TARDIS DOCTOR: (over speaker) Come in, Pond. AMY: (grabs microphone) Doctor! INT. DOCTOR'S BEDROOM, NIGHT The DOCTOR winces at the feedback. INT. TARDIS AMY: Oooh. Sorry! INT. DOCTOR'S BEDROOM, NIGHT DOCTOR: Could you not wreck my new earpiece, Pond? INT. CRAIG'S BEDROOM, NIGHT CRAIG is lying in bed looking over the money the DOCTOR gave him as he talks on the phone with SOPHIE. CRAIG: No, I mean, he seems a laugh. He's a bit weird, good weird, you know? SOPHIE: (over mobile) And he just happens to have three grand on him in a paper bag? CRAIG: Yeah. INT. SOPHIE'S BEDROOM, NIGHT SOPHIE is also in bed. SOPHIE: Wait, wait. "The Doctor"?! INT. CRAIG'S BEDROOM, NIGHT SOPHIE: (over mobile) Craig, what if he's a dealer?! EXT. HOUSE, NIGHT A WOMAN walks down the street after a night out at the clubs. VOICE: Hello. Stop, please. Can you hear me? I need your help. INT. DOCTOR'S BEDROOM, NIGHT DOCTOR: How's the TARDIS coping? INT. TARDIS AMY: See for yourself. (holds the mic out so the DOCTOR can hear the TARDIS) INT. DOCTOR'S BEDROOM, NIGHT DOCTOR: (sits up) Ooh, nasty. She's locked in a materialisation loop, trying to land again INT. TARDIS DOCTOR: (over speaker) ...but she can't. AMY: And whatever's stopping her is upstairs in that flat. So go upstairs and sort it! EXT. HOUSE, NIGHT VOICE: Please. My little girl's hurt. The WOMAN enters the house. INT. DOCTOR'S BEDROOM, NIGHT DOCTOR: I don't know what it is yet! (stands on bed) Anything that can stop the TARDIS from landing is big, scary big! INT. TARDIS AMY: Wait...are you scared? INT. HOUSE FRONT HALL, DAY A figure stands at the top of the stairs. VOICE: I'm so sorry, but will you help me? Please. WOMAN: (climbs stairs) Help you? INT. CRAIG'S BEDROOM, NIGHT SOPHIE: (over mobile) A bow tie, are you serious?! CRAIG: (hears the DOCTOR) Hang on a sec. INT. SOPHIE'S BEDROOM, NIGHT SOPHIE: What? Craig, Craig? INT. CRAIG'S BEDROOM, NIGHT CRAIG gets out of bed and walks to the wall shared with the DOCTOR'S room to listen. DOCTOR: (through wall) ..Orange juice, eocenes Arbuckle, rare tarantula on the table, ooh! INT. DOCTOR'S BEDROOM, NIGHT DOCTOR: I can't go up there until I know what it is and how to deal with it! It is vital that this "man" upstairs doesn't realise who and what I am. (bounces on the bed and smiles) So no sonicking. No advanced technology. I can only use this (taps earpiece) 'cos we're on scramble. (jumps to floor) To anyone else hearing this conversation, we're talking absolute gibberish. INT. CRAIG'S BEDROOM, NIGHT DOCTOR: (through wall) Practical eruption in chicken. Descartes Lombardy spiral. INT. DOCTOR'S BEDROOM, NIGHT DOCTOR: All I've got to do is pass as an ordinary human being. Simple. What could possibly go wrong? (puts on sunglasses) AMY: (over earpiece) Have you seen you? DOCTOR: So you're just going to be snide? No helpful hints? INT. TARDIS AMY: Hmm, well, here's one...bow tie, get rid! INT. DOCTOR'S BEDROOM, NIGHT DOCTOR: (checks himself in mirror) Bow ties are cool. (puts sunglasses in pocket) Come on, Amy, I'm a normal bloke, tell me what normal blokes do. AMY: (over earpiece) They watch telly, they play football... INT. TARDIS AMY: they go down the pub. INT. DOCTOR'S BEDROOM, NIGHT DOCTOR: (flips through book) I could do those things! I don't, but I could! There is a crashing from above. DOCTOR: Hang on. Wait, wait, wait! Amy?! INT. TARDIS Screaming, AMY grabs onto the console as the TARDIS shakes again. INT. DOCTOR'S BEDROOM, NIGHT The hands of the clocks in the room begins spinning back and forth. The DOCTOR looks at his watch and sees the same thing. DOCTOR: Interesting. Localised time loop. INT. TARDIS AMY: Ow! What's all that? INT. DOCTOR'S BEDROOM, NIGHT DOCTOR: Time distortion. Whatever's happening upstairs, is still affecting you. INT. TARDIS AMY screams again as the TARDIS lurches. INT. HOUSE FRONT HALL, NIGHT Lights flash through the door to the upstairs flat. INT. HOUSE, TOP FLAT, NIGHT The WOMAN screams. INT. TARDIS AMY: It's stopped...ish! INT. DOCTOR'S BEDROOM, NIGHT AMY: (over earpiece) How about your end? DOCTOR: My end's good. INT. TARDIS AMY: So, doesn't sound great, but nothing to worry about? INT. DOCTOR'S BEDROOM, NIGHT DOCTOR: No, no, no, not really! Just keep the zigzag plotter on full, INT. TARDIS DOCTOR: (over speaker) that'll protect you. AMY pulls the switch as directed but it does nothing. AMY: Ah! INT. DOCTOR'S BEDROOM, NIGHT DOCTOR: Amy, I said the zigzag plotter! INT. TARDIS AMY: I pulled the zigzag plotter! INT. DOCTOR'S BEDROOM, NIGHT DOCTOR: What, you're standing with the door behind you? INT. TARDIS AMY: Yes! INT. DOCTOR'S BEDROOM, NIGHT DOCTOR: (mimes what he says) OK, take two steps to your right and pull it again! INT. TARDIS AMY does as the DOCTOR says and the grating eases. She sighs in relief. INT. DOCTOR'S BEDROOM, NIGHT DOCTOR: Oh. Now, I must not use the sonic. I've got work to do, need to pick up a few items. INT. TARDIS AMY: Hey! INT. DOCTOR'S BEDROOM, NIGHT The DOCTOR throws some items on the bed and walks out of the room. EXT. HOUSE, NIGHT The DOCTOR walks backwards towards the house, pulling a shopping trolley. The trolley is filled with odds and ends. In the distance, a cat meows. DOCTOR: Ssh! Don't get comfortable! The DOCTOR pulls the house keys from his pocket and unlocks the front door. INT. FLAT HALL, DAY CRAIG is standing outside the bathroom. From inside we hear water running and the DOCTOR singing. CRAIG knocks on the door. CRAIG: Doctor! DOCTOR: Hello?! CRAIG: How long are you going to be in there? DOCTOR: Oh, sorry, I like a good soak! There is a loud banging from above. CRAIG: (looks up) What the hell was that? INT. BATHROOM, DAY The DOCTOR is in the shower. DOCTOR: What did you say? INT. FLAT HALL, DAY CRAIG: I'm just going to go upstairs, see if he's OK. INT. BATHROOM, DAY DOCTOR: Sorry? INT. FLAT HALL, DAY CRAIG heads for the flat door. INT. HOUSE FRONT HALL, DAY CRAIG opens the door into the hall and heads up the stairs. INT. BATHROOM, DAY The DOCTOR peeks around the curtain. DOCTOR: What did you say? INT. HOUSE FRONT HALL, DAY CRAIG knocks on the door of the upstairs flat and it is opened a crack by an older gentlemen. MAN: Yes? Hello? INT. BATHROOM, DAY DOCTOR: Craig? The DOCTOR grabs a towel but slips on the bathroom floor as he gets out. INT. HOUSE FRONT HALL, DAY CRAIG: It's me from downstairs. I heard a big bang. INT. BATHROOM, DAY The DOCTOR sits up on the floor, soap in his eyes. DOCTOR: No choice...it's sonicking time. Blinded by the soap, he reaches for the sonic screwdriver but grabs a toothbrush. INT. HOUSE FRONT HALL, DAY MAN: Thank you, Craig, but I don't need your help. (closes door) INT. FLAT HALL, DAY The DOCTOR runs out of the bathroom. The towel wrapped around his waist slips to the floor. DOCTOR: Oops! The DOCTOR picks up the towel and runs out. INT. HOUSE FRONT HALL, DAY The DOCTOR runs into the hall and aims what he believes to be the screwdriver up the stairs. DOCTOR: What happened, what's going on? CRAIG: Is that my toothbrush? DOCTOR: Correct. You spoke to the man upstairs? CRAIG: Yeah. DOCTOR: What did he look like? CRAIG: More normal than you do at the moment, mate. What are you doing? DOCTOR: I thought you might be in trouble. CRAIG: Thanks(!) Well if I ever am, you can come and save me with my toothbrush. The phone rings and CRAIG goes to answer it. The DOCTOR cautiously climbs the stairs. SOPHIE enters and sees the DOCTOR. SOPHIE: Ooh! Hello? DOCTOR: Ah! Hello! The Doctor. (comes down stairs) Right. You must be Sophie. SOPHIE: Mm-hm. The DOCTOR gives her a Gallic air kiss like he gave CRAIG. SOPHIE: Oh...oh! With a last look upstairs, the DOCTOR enters the flat. INT. PARLOR, DAY CRAIG is on the phone. CRAIG: No, Dom's in Malta, there's nobody around. Hang on a sec. (to DOCTOR) We've got a match today, pub league, we're one down if you fancy it? DOCTOR: Pub league? A drinking competition? CRAIG: No...football...play football? DOCTOR: Football. Football! Yes, blokes play football! I'm good at football, I think. CRAIG: You've saved my life! (pats him on the cheek) (into phone) I've got somebody. All right, see you down there. Hey, Soph. The DOCTOR goes to the fridge and takes out a carton of milk. SOPHIE: Hey, I thought I'd come early and meet your new flatmate. DOCTOR: Do you play, Sophie? (drinks from the carton) CRAIG: No, Soph just stands on the sidelines, she's my mascot. SOPHIE: I'm your mascot? Mascot?! CRAIG: Well, not my mascot, it's a football match, I can't take a date. SOPHIE: I didn't say I was your date. CRAIG: Neither did I. The three stand in an awkward silence. DOCTOR: Better get dressed. The DOCTOR hands CRAIG his toothbrush back and heads for his room. CRAIG: Oh, the spare kit's just in the bottom drawer. DOCTOR: Bit of a mess. (closes bedroom door) CRAIG: What d'you think? SOPHIE: You didn't say he was gorgeous! The DOCTOR opens the door to his room. DOCTOR: You unlocked the door. How did you do that? Those are your keys, you must have left them last time you came here. SOPHIE: Yeah, but I...How do you know these are my keys? CRAIG: I've been holding them! SOPHIE: I have got another set. DOCTOR: You've got two sets of keys to someone else's house? SOPHIE: Yeah. DOCTOR: I see! You must like it here too. (closes bedroom door) INT. DOCTOR'S BEDROOM, DAY The DOCTOR changes into his uniform while talking to AMY. DOCTOR: So I'm going out, if I hang about the house all the time, him upstairs might get suspicious, notice me. INT. TARDIS AMY: Football, OK, well done, that is normal. DOCTOR: (over speaker) Yeah, football, all outdoorsy. INT. DOCTOR'S BEDROOM, DAY DOCTOR: Now, football's the one with the sticks, isn't it? EXT. PARK, DAY The DOCTOR is walking with CRAIG and SOPHIE. CRAIG: What are you actually called, what's your proper name? DOCTOR: Just call me the Doctor. SOPHIE: Yeah. CRAIG: I can't say to these guys, "Hey, this is my new flatmate, he's called the Doctor." DOCTOR: Why not? CRAIG: 'Cos it's weird. They are greeted by SEAN, one of CRAIG'S teammates. SEAN: All right, Craig. Soph. All right, mate. DOCTOR: (shakes SEAN'S hand) Hello, I'm Craig's new flatmate. (Gallic kiss) I'm called the Doctor. SEAN: All right, Doctor. I'm Sean. Where are you strongest? DOCTOR: Arms. CRAIG: No, he means, what position? On the field? DOCTOR: Not sure. The front? The side? Below? SEAN: Are you any good though? The DOCTOR spins the ball on his fingertips. DOCTOR: Let's find out! (kicks the ball and heads out to the field) As the team plays, the DOCTOR takes over the field, intercepting passes to other players and scoring goals. SOPHIE cheers from the sidelines. This upsets CRAIG. Soon the majority of the onlookers begin chanting "Doctor!" [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. HOUSE, DAY A WOMAN walks down the street. A little girl's voice comes over the intercom. VOICE: Please can you help me? Can you help me, please? Can you help me? The WOMAN stops and approaches the door. WOMAN: Hello? (goes inside) INT. HOUSE FRONT HALL, DAY The figure of a girl stands at the top of the steps. GIRL: I've lost my mum, I don't know where she is. Please can you help me? WOMAN: Help you? You poor thing, what's happened? (goes upstairs) The GIRL heads into the flat. GIRL: Can you help me find her? EXT. PARK, DAY The game is over and the team and friends are gathered around a bench having some beers. SEAN: You are so on the team! Next week we've got the Crown and Anchor, we'll annihilate them! DOCTOR: No violence, not while I'm around, not today, not ever. I'm the Doctor, the oncoming storm... and you meant beat them in a football match, didn't you? SEAN: Yeah. DOCTOR: Lovely, what sort of time? CRAIG opens a can and it spills over and everyone laughs. It keeps happening, involving everyone but the DOCTOR. He leaves the small group to make contact with AMY. INT. UPSTAIRS FLAT, DAY The WOMAN screams in pain. EXT. PARK, DAY DOCTOR: Amy? INT. TARDIS Once again, the TARDIS is shaking. DOCTOR: (over speaker) Amy? AMY: It's happening again! Worse! EXT. PARK, DAY DOCTOR: What does the scanner say? INT. TARDIS AMY looks at the scanner. AMY: A lot of nines. Is it good that they're nines? Tell me it's good that they're all nines! EXT. PARK, DAY DOCTOR: Yes, yes, it's...it's good! Zigzag plotter, zigzag plotter, Amy. INT. TARDIS AMY uses the zigzag plotter but there is no change. She is then thrown by the TARDIS as it lurches. She screams. EXT. PARK, DAY DOCTOR: Amy? Are you there? INT. TARDIS DOCTOR: (over speaker) Amy? AMY: Yes, hello. EXT. PARK, DAY DOCTOR: Ah, thank heavens. I thought the TARDIS had been flung off into the vortex with you inside it, INT. TARDIS DOCTOR: (over speaker) ...lost forever. AMY: You mean that could actually happen!? EXT. PARK, DAY AMY: (over earpiece) You have got to get me out of here. DOCTOR: How are the numbers? INT. TARDIS AMY checks the scanner. AMY: All fives. EXT. PARK, DAY DOCTOR: Fives? (looks to see the time loop ended) Even better. INT. TARDIS DOCTOR: (over speaker) Still, it means the effect's almost unbelievably powerful and dangerous, but don't worry. EXT. PARK, DAY DOCTOR: Hang on, OK? INT. TARDIS DOCTOR: (over speaker) I've got some rewiring to do. AMY: Hey! You..."hang on"! INT. FLAT HALL, DAY CRAIG comes down the hall from his bedroom to the DOCTOR'S and knocks on the door. The DOCTOR opens the door, an orange traffic cone under his arm. DOCTOR: Hello, flatmate. CRAIG: Hey, man. Listen, Sophie's coming round tonight and I was wondering if you could give us some space? DOCTOR: Oh, don't mind me. You won't even know I'm here. There is another loud noise from above and the DOCTOR looks up. DOCTOR: That's the idea. The DOCTOR closes the door and CRAIG stands there listening. DOCTOR: Yes, perfect! What a beauty! There is some rustling and clinking but CRAIG just shrugs it off. INT. PARLOR, NIGHT SOPHIE and CRAIG are on the couch. SOPHIE notices the stain on the ceiling. SOPHIE: That's got bigger. CRAIG: Oh, yeah. SOPHIE: Are we going out? CRAIG: I've had a bit of a weird day, can we do pizza-booze-telly? SOPHIE: Great, love it! Wait. (shuts off mobile) No Melina, no crises, no interruptions. CRAIG: Great. Excellent. Um, Soph...I've...I think... SOPHIE: Where's this going? CRAIG: I think that we...should... SOPHIE nods as she waits for CRAIG to finish his sentence. DOCTOR: Hello. The DOCTOR is kneeling behind the sofa, only his head showing. CRAIG: What? DOCTOR: Whoops, sorry, don't worry, I wasn't listening, in a world of my own down there. CRAIG: I thought you were going out? DOCTOR: Just re-connecting all the electrics, it's a real mess. Where's the on-switch for this? (holds out a normal screwdriver) CRAIG: He really is on his way out. SOPHIE: No, I don't mind, if you don't mind. CRAIG: (upset) I don't mind, why would I mind? SOPHIE: (to DOCTOR) Then stay, have a drink with us. DOCTOR: What, do I have to stay now? CRAIG: Do you want to stay? DOCTOR: I don't mind. SOPHIE: OK! CRAIG: Great! LATER... The DOCTOR is sitting in a chair working with the electric wires around his neck. SOPHIE is drinking a glass of wine and CRAIG is looking up at the ceiling. SOPHIE: Cos life can seem pointless, Doctor. Work, weekend, work, weekend. And there's six billion people on the planet doing pretty much the same. DOCTOR: Six billion people? Watching you two at work, I'm starting to wonder where they all come from. SOPHIE: What? What do you mean by that? DOCTOR: So, the call centre. That's no good? What do you really want to do? SOPHIE: Don't laugh. I only ever told Craig about it. I want to work looking after animals. Maybe abroad? I saw this orangutan sanctuary on telly. DOCTOR: What's stopping you? CRAIG: She can't, you need loads of qualifications. SOPHIE: Yeah, true. Plus it's scary, everyone I know lives round here. Craig got offered a job in London, better money, didn't take it. CRAIG: What's wrong with staying here? I can't see the point of London. DOCTOR: Well, perhaps that's you, then. Perhaps you'll just have to stay here, secure and a little bit miserable until the day you drop. Better than trying and failing, eh? SOPHIE: You think I'd fail? DOCTOR: Everybody's got dreams, Sophie, very few are going to achieve them, so why pretend? (sips wine then makes a face and spits it back into the glass) Perhaps, in the whole universe, a call centre is where you should be? SOPHIE: Why are you saying that? That's horrible. DOCTOR: Is it true? SOPHIE: Of course it's not true. I'm not staying in a call centre all my life, I can do anything I want! The DOCTOR smiles. SOPHIE: Oh! Yeah! Right! (fist bumps the DOCTOR) (to CRAIG) Oh, my God! Did you see what he just did? CRAIG: No, what's happening? Are you going to live with monkeys now? DOCTOR: It's a big old world, Sophie. Work out what's really keeping you here, eh? SOPHIE: I don't know. Dunno. INT. HOUSE FRONT HALL, DAY CRAIG escorts SOPHIE to the door. CRAIG: So, are you going to be taking off then, seeing the world? SOPHIE: What? Do you think I should? CRAIG: Yeah... Like the Doctor says, what's keeping you here? SOPHIE: Yeah, exactly! What? Bye. CRAIG: See you. They hug. CRAIG: See you in a bit. SOPHIE: Yeah. (leaves) INT. DOCTOR'S BEDROOM, NIGHT The DOCTOR has created a large and ungainly device from all the bits and pieces he has collected. He has set the main part on the bed frame and ducks out of the way as it begins to spin wobbly. DOCTOR: Right. Shield's up. Let's scan! AMY: (over earpiece) What are you getting? The DOCTOR looks at a converted digital clock. DOCTOR: Upstairs. INT. TARDIS DOCTOR: (over speaker) No traces of high technology. Totally INT. DOCTOR'S BEDROOM, NIGHT DOCTOR: normal. No no, no, no, it can't be! It's too normal. INT. TARDIS AMY: Only for you could too normal be a problem. You said I could be lost forever. Just go upstairs. INT. DOCTOR'S BEDROOM, NIGHT DOCTOR: Without knowing, get myself killed, then you really are lost. If I could just get a look in there... Hold on. (stops the device spinning) Use the data bank, get me the plans of this building - its history, the layout, everything. INT. TARDIS DOCTOR: (over speaker) Meanwhile, I shall recruit a spy. INT. PARLOR, NIGHT CRAIG is clearing up after SOPHIE'S visit and looks up at the ceiling. Curious, he steps onto a chair. He starts to reach out but stops. CRAIG: The Rotmeister... (touches the stain and receives a shock) Ahh! Ow! (steps down and shakes his hand) INT. FLAT HALL, DAY The DOCTOR walks down the hall, carrying a breakfast tray. He stops at CRAIG'S door. DOCTOR: Craig! Craig? (knocks on door) Breakfast. It's normal. Craig? (opens door) Craig! INT. CRAIG'S BEDROOM, DAY CRAIG is lying unmoving on his bed. The DOCTOR rushes over and puts the tray down on the bed. He kneels beside him and grabs CRAIG'S arm. DOCTOR: Craig, I told you not to touch it! What's that? (a large streak is running up CRAIG'S arm) An unfamiliar and obviously poisonous substance. "Oh, I know what would be really clever, I'll stick my hand in it!" Come on, Craig, breathe. The DOCTOR pounds on CRAIG'S chest and CRAIG gasps. DOCTOR: Come on, Craig, breathe! Thems are healthy footballer's lungs! The DOCTOR grabs the teapot and runs from the room. INT. KITCHEN, DAY The DOCTOR grabs teabags and crams them into the pot. DOCTOR: Right. Reverse the enzyme decay. Excite the tannin molecules. Rushes back to CRAIG'S room. INT. CRAIG'S BEDROOM, DAY The DOCTOR makes CRAIG drink the tea via the spout. CRAIG: (hoarsely) I've got to go to work. DOCTOR: On no account. You need rest. One more. CRAIG: (drinks) It's the planning meeting, it's important. DOCTOR: You're important. You're going to be fine, Craig. CRAIG falls asleep and the DOCTOR slips out. LATER... CRAIG rolls over to see that it is 2:45 in the afternoon. He gets up in a panic. CRAIG: What! No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no! INT. HOUSE FRONT HALL, DAY Dressed for work, CRAIG runs out the door. INT. WORK CORRIDOR, DAY CRAIG runs down the hallway and into the call center. INT. CALL CENTER, DAY MICHAEL: Oh, afternoon. CRAIG: I'm so sorry, Michael, I don't know what happened, I've got no excuse. The DOCTOR pops up from under the desk right where MICHAEL and CRAIG are standing. He has on a headset and is speaking with a customer. DOCTOR: (into headset) I think that's not what my screen is telling me, Mr Lang. CRAIG: What's he doing here? What are you doing here? DOCTOR: (into headset) If that's your attitude, Mr Lang, please take your custom elsewhere. (blows raspberry) CRAIG: No, no, no, that's one of my best clients! DOCTOR: Craig, how are you feeling? Had some time to kill, I was curious, never worked in an office. Never worked in anywhere. CRAIG: You're insane! MICHAEL: Leave off the Doctor, I love the Doctor. He was brilliant in the planning meeting. CRAIG: You went to the planning meeting? DOCTOR: Yes. I was your representative. We don't need Mr Lang any more. Rude Mr Lang. SOPHIE arrives with tea and biscuits. SOPHIE: Here you go, and I found some custard creams! DOCTOR: Sophie, my hero. SOPHIE: Hi, Craig. I went on the web, applied for a wildlife charity thing. They said I could always start as a volunteer straight away. Should I do it? CRAIG: Yeah, great, yeah, good, go for it. DOCTOR: You look awful. About turn! Bed. Now. Who next? (types at keyboard) Oh, yes. SOPHIE walks away. MICHAEL waves goodbye and CRAIG heads for the door in frustration. DOCTOR: (into headset) Hello, Mr Joergensen. Can you hold? I have to eat a biscuit. The DOCTOR looks over to the door and watches CRAIG leave. He also sees SOPHIE'S reaction. INT. PARLOR, DAY CRAIG goes through a drawer and pulls out a spare set of keys then heads for the DOCTOR'S bedroom door. He unlocks it and steps in. INT. DOCTOR'S BEDROOM, DAY CRAIG stops when he sees the DOCTOR'S device still spinning. CRAIG: What the hell? INT. HOUSE FRONT HALL, DAY A cat comes down the stairs and meows. The DOCTOR enters and sees it. DOCTOR: Have you been upstairs? (cat meows) Yes? (deep throaty meow) INT. PARLOR, DAY CRAIG is throwing darts. He hears the DOCTOR in the front hall. DOCTOR: (through wall) You can do it. Show me what's up there? What's behind that door? Try to show me. Ohh, that doesn't make sense! Ever see anyone go up there? Lots of people? Good good. CRAIG peers through the peephole and sees the DOCTOR on the stairs petting the cat. DOCTOR: What kind of people? People who never come back down. That's very bad. CRAIG opens the door. INT. HOUSE FRONT HALL, DAY DOCTOR: (looks up) Oh, hello. CRAIG: I can't take this any more. I want you to go! CRAIG goes back into the flat and the DOCTOR follows. CRAIG gives him the paper bag of money CRAIG: You can have this back an' all. DOCTOR: What have I done? CRAIG: For a start, talking to a cat. DOCTOR: (throws bag over his shoulder) Lots of people talk to cats. CRAIG: Everybody loves you, you're better at football than me, and my job, and now Sophie's all "Oh, monkeys, monkeys!" and then... (opens the door to the DOCTOR'S room) there's that! The DOCTOR rushes over. INT. DOCTOR'S BEDROOM, DAY DOCTOR: It's art! A statement on modern society, "Ooh, ain't modern society awful?" (stops it spinning) CRAIG: Me and you, it's not gonna work out. You've been here three days, the three weirdest days of my life. DOCTOR: Your days will get a lot weirder if I go! CRAIG: I thought it was good weird, but it's not, it's bad weird! I can't do this any more! DOCTOR: I can't leave this place. I'm like you, I can't see the point of anywhere else. Madrid, hah, what a dump! I have to stay. CRAIG: No, you don't, you have to leave! DOCTOR: I can't go! CRAIG: Just get out! CRAIG goes to push the DOCTOR and the DOCTOR grabs him by the lapels. DOCTOR: Right! Only way! I'm going to show you something, but ssh, really, ssh! Oh, I am going to regret this. OK, right... First, general background! The DOCTOR head-butts CRAIG. EACH man then grabs his head in pain with a groan. CRAIG "sees" the DOCTOR'S past incarnations and some adventures. He gasps in realization and points at the DOCTOR. CRAIG: You're a... DOCTOR: Yes. CRAIG: From... (points skywards) DOCTOR: Ssh. CRAIG: You've got a TARDIS! DOCTOR: Yes. Ssh! (motions to his face) Eleventh! Right... OK, specific detail! He head-butts CRAIG again, filling him in on the reason he is there. CRAIG: You saw my ad in the paper shop window. DOCTOR: Yes, with this right above it. (shows CRAIG a note signed by AMY) Which is odd, because Amy hasn't written it yet. Time travel, it CAN happen. CRAIG: That's a scanner! You used non-technological technology of Lammasteen. The DOCTOR claps a hand over CRAIG'S mouth. DOCTOR: Shut up! INT. HOUSE FRONT HALL, DAY SOPHIE enters and uses her key on the door to the flat. The figure of a girl appears at the top of the stairs. GIRL: Please can you help me? SOPHIE: Hi. GIRL: Please. Will you help me? SOPHIE: What's the matter, my love? (starts up the stairs) Help you? SOPHIE follows the girl into the upstairs flat. INT. DOCTOR'S BEDROOM, DAY DOCTOR: Aaargh! I am never, ever doing that ever ever again... (turns on earpiece) Amy! CRAIG: That's Amy Pond! DOCTOR: Oh, of course, you can understand us now, hurrah. (to AMY) Got those plans yet? INT. TARDIS AMY: Still searching for them! DOCTOR: (over speaker) I've worked it out with psychic help from a cat. AMY: Cat? INT. DOCTOR'S BEDROOM, DAY DOCTOR: Yes, I know he's got a time engine in the flat upstairs. INT. TARDIS DOCTOR: (over speaker) He's using innocent people to try and launch it. INT. DOCTOR'S BEDROOM, DAY DOCTOR: Whenever he does, they get burnt up, hence the stain... CRAIG: From the ceiling? DOCTOR: Well done, Craig. INT. TARDIS DOCTOR: (over speaker) And you, Miss Pond, nearly get thrown off into the Vortex. AMY: Lovely! INT. DOCTOR'S BEDROOM, DAY A loud crash comes from above. CRAIG: People are dying up there? People are dying. People are dying. DOCTOR: Amy! INT. TARDIS AMY is thrown to the floor as the TARDIS lurches again. INT. DOCTOR'S BEDROOM, DAY CRAIG: They're being killed! DOCTOR: Someone's up there. The DOCTOR runs out of the room followed by CRAIG. INT. TARDIS AMY pulls herself up and clings to the monitor handle. INT. HOUSE FRONT HALL, DAY The DOCTOR and CRAIG run up the stairs. AMY: (over earpiece) Doctor! DOCTOR: Hang on! CRAIG stops when he sees SOPHIE'S keys in the lock. DOCTOR: Craig, come on...someone's dying up there. (sees SOPHIE'S keys and runs upstairs) CRAIG: It's Sophie. It's Sophie that's dying up there, it's Sophie! (follows the DOCTOR) INT. TARDIS AMY: Doctor! Stop! INT. HOUSE FRONT HALL, DAY The DOCTOR and CRAIG arrive outside the door of the top flat. CRAIG: Where's Sophie! DOCTOR: Wait, wait! Amy? CRAIG: I'm holding them. (sets them on sofa arm) INT. TARDIS AMY: Are you upstairs? INT. HOUSE FRONT HALL, DAY DOCTOR: Just going in! AMY: (over earpiece) But you can't be upstairs. DOCTOR: Of course I can be upstairs! CRAIG: Come on! INT. TARDIS AMY: No! I've got the plans, you cannot be upstairs, it's a one-storey building. INT. HOUSE FRONT HALL, DAY AMY: (over earpiece) There is no upstairs! The DOCTOR and CRAIG look down the stairs before the DOCTOR uses the sonic screwdriver and they enter the flat. INT. UPSTAIRS FLAT/SPACESHIP, DAY Beyond the normal looking front door is a very advanced spaceship. At its center is a control panel. CRAIG: What? The DOCTOR and CRAIG slowly walk in. DOCTOR: What? Oh. Oh, of course! The time engine isn't IN the flat, the time engine IS the flat! Someone's attempt to build a TARDIS. CRAIG: No, there's always been an upstairs. DOCTOR: Has there? Think about it! CRAIG: Yes. No. I don't... DOCTOR: Perception filter. It's more than a disguise. It tricks your memory. SOPHIE screams as she is pulled towards the controls. CRAIG: Sophie! CRAIG and the DOCTOR run to her. CRAIG: Sophie! Oh, my God, Sophie! (grabs her hand to keep it from touching the glowing panel) DOCTOR: Craig! It's controlling her. It's willing her to touch the activator. CRAIG: It's not going to have her! The DOCTOR uses the sonic screwdriver on the panel. SOPHIE touches it and screams. DOCTOR: Ah! Deadlock seal! CRAIG: You've got to do something! The device lets her go and CRAIG eases her to the ground. DOCTOR: What? Why's it let her go? The DOCTOR looks around and sees a dried up skeleton. As he crosses the center of the room, the hologram of the old man appears. HOLOGRAM: You will help me. DOCTOR: Right! Stop! Crashed ship, let's see. Hello, I'm Captain Troy Handsome of International Rescue. Please state the nature of your emergency. HOLOGRAM: The ship has crashed. The crew are dead. A pilot is required. DOCTOR: You're the emergency crash program. A hologram. You've been luring people up here so you can try them out. The DOCTOR uses the sonic screwdriver and the hologram changes to that of the little girl, a younger man, then back to the old man. HOLOGRAM: You will help me, you will help me, you will help me. SOPHIE: Craig! Where am I? DOCTOR: Hush! Human brains aren't strong enough, they just burn. You're stupid, aren't you? You just keep trying. HOLOGRAM: 17 people have been tried. 6,000,400,026 remain. SOPHIE: (stands) Seriously, what is going on? DOCTOR: Oh, for goodness' sake. The top floor of Craig's building is in reality an alien space ship, INT. TARDIS DOCTOR: (over speaker) ...intent on slaughtering the population of this planet. INT. UPSTAIRS FLAT/SPACESHIP, DAY DOCTOR: Any questions? No? Good. SOPHIE: Yes, I have questions. HOLOGRAM: The correct pilot has now been found. DOCTOR: Yes, I was worried you'd say that. INT. TARDIS AMY: He means you, Doctor, doesn't he? INT. UPSTAIRS FLAT/SPACESHIP, DAY Fingers of energy reach out and begin to pull the DOCTOR towards the control panel. HOLOGRAM: The correct pilot has been found. The correct pilot has been found. INT. TARDIS AMY: What's happening? INT. UPSTAIRS FLAT/SPACESHIP, DAY The DOCTOR tries to resist. DOCTOR: It's pulling me in! I'm the new pilot! AMY: (over earpiece) Could you do it? INT. TARDIS AMY: Could you fly the ship safely? INT. UPSTAIRS FLAT/SPACESHIP, DAY DOCTOR: No, I'm way too much for this ship. My hand touches that panel, the planet doesn't blow up, the whole solar system does. The DOCTOR halts his hand inches above the glowing panel. HOLOGRAM: The correct pilot has been found. DOCTOR: No...worst choice ever, I promise you. Stop this! AMY: (over earpiece) Doctor! INT. TARDIS AMY: It's getting worse. INT. UPSTAIRS FLAT/SPACESHIP, DAY DOCTOR: It doesn't want everyone. Craig, it didn't want you! CRAIG: I spoke to him and he said I couldn't help him! DOCTOR: It didn't want Sophie before but now it does. What's changed? (groans in pain) No! I gave her the idea of leaving! It's a machine that needs to leave, it wants people who want to escape! And you don't want to leave, Craig, you're Mr Sofa Man. INT. TARDIS AMY: Doctor! INT. UPSTAIRS FLAT/SPACESHIP, DAY DOCTOR: Craig, you can shut down the engine. Put your hand on the panel and concentrate on why you want to stay! SOPHIE: Craig, no! CRAIG: Will it work? DOCTOR: Yes! CRAIG: Are you sure? DOCTOR: Yes! CRAIG: Is that a lie? DOCTOR: Of course, it's a lie! CRAIG: It's good enough for me. Geronimo! CRAIG slams his palm onto the panel and screams as the energy courses through him. The ship releases its hold on the DOCTOR. INT. TARDIS AMY holds onto the monitor handle for dear life. INT. UPSTAIRS FLAT/SPACESHIP, DAY SOPHIE: Craig! INT. TARDIS AMY: Doctor! INT. UPSTAIRS FLAT/SPACESHIP, DAY The DOCTOR rushes over to CRAIG. DOCTOR: Craig, what's keeping you here? Think about everything that makes you want to stay here! Why don't you want to leave? (slaps CRAIG) CRAIG: Sophie! And I don't want to leave Sophie! I can't leave Sophie! I love Sophie! SOPHIE: I love you, too, Craig, you idiot! (slaps her hand down on the panel with CRAIG'S) The ship begins to smoke and spark. INT. TARDIS AMY: Doctor! INT. UPSTAIRS FLAT/SPACESHIP, DAY CRAIG: Honestly, do you mean that? SOPHIE: Of course I mean it! Do you mean it? CRAIG: I've always meant it. Seriously though, do you mean it? SOPHIE: Yes. INT. TARDIS AMY: Ugh! CRAIG: (over speaker) But what about the monkeys? INT. UPSTAIRS FLAT/SPACESHIP, DAY DOCTOR: Oh, not now, not again! Craig, the planet's about to burn! For God's sake, kiss the girl! INT. TARDIS AMY: Kiss the girl! INT. UPSTAIRS FLAT/SPACESHIP, DAY CRAIG and SOPHIE kiss and they are able to remove their hands from the panel. INT. TARDIS The TARDIS calms down and makes the normal sound of materialization. INT. UPSTAIRS FLAT/SPACESHIP, DAY AMY: (over earpiece) Doctor! INT. TARDIS AMY: You've done it. Aha, you've done it! INT. UPSTAIRS FLAT/SPACESHIP, DAY AMY: (over earpiece) Oh, now the screen's just zeros! Now it's minus ones, minus twos, minus threes... SOPHIE and CRAIG are still kissing. INT. TARDIS AMY: Big yes! INT. UPSTAIRS FLAT/SPACESHIP, DAY The HOLOGRAM cycles through its different voices and projections. HOLOGRAM: Help me. Help me. Help me. Help me. DOCTOR: Big no. HOLOGRAM: Help me. Help me. Help me. Help me. Help me. Help me. Help me. Help me. CRAIG: Did we switch it off? DOCTOR: Emergency shutdown, it's imploding, everybody out, out, out! HOLOGRAM: Help me. Help me. Help me. Help me. CRAIG and SOPHIE run out of the ship followed by the DOCTOR. INT. TARDIS AMY: Doctor! INT. HOUSE FRONT HALL, DAY The three run down the stairs and outside as the house begins to shake. EXT. HOUSE, DAY They run across the street and watch as the perception filter dissipates to reveal the ship. Mere seconds later, the ship disappears. People stroll by, not realizing what had happened. CRAIG: Look at them. Didn't they see that? The whole top floor just vanished. DOCTOR: Perception filter. There never was a top floor. INT. PARLOR, DAY The stain on the ceiling has disappeared. CRAIG and SOPHIE are kissing on the couch. CRAIG: So have we spoiled our friendship, then? SOPHIE: Totally ruined it. CRAIG: And what about the monkeys? We could save them together, you know. Do whatever we want. I could see the point of Paris if you were there with me. SOPHIE: First let's destroy our friendship completely. They continue to make out on the couch. The DOCTOR enters, sees what they're doing and quietly leaves his keys on the sideboard. He then goes to leave. CRAIG: Oi! SOPHIE and CRAIG come over to him. SOPHIE: What, you're trying to sneak off? DOCTOR: Yes, well, you were sort of... busy. CRAIG picks up the keys and hold them out to the DOCTOR. CRAIG: I want you to keep these. Thank you. DOCTOR: Thank you. (takes keys) Cos I might pop back soon, have another little stay. CRAIG: No, you won't. I've been in your head, remember? But I still want you to keep them. DOCTOR: Thank you, Craig. CRAIG: Thank you, Doctor. DOCTOR: Sophie. (puts a hand on their shoulders) Now then. 6,000,400,026 people in the world. That's the number to beat. SOPHIE: (laughs) Yeah. The DOCTOR leaves with a smile. On the fridge, amidst photos of CRAIG and SOPHIE, brightly colored letter magnets spell out "The Doctor Rocks". Panning down, there is a photo of the DOCTOR being held aloft on the team's shoulders after the football match. Panning to the gap next to the fridge and then zooming in, we see the same crack as from AMY'S childhood bedroom. INT. TARDIS The DOCTOR sets the TARDIS in motion. DOCTOR: Back in time! You need to go to the paper shop, leave that note for me. AMY: Right little matchmaker, aren't you? Can't you find me a fella? The DOCTOR puts on his stethoscope and listens to the console. DOCTOR: Oh, rectifier's playing up again...Hold on. (goes to a different section of the control room) You write the note and I'll change that will. AMY: You got a pen? DOCTOR: Make sure it's a red pen. AMY searches the DOCTOR'S jacket pockets for a pen. She pulls out the jewelry box holding her engagement ring from RORY. She opens it and stares at the ring. As she does, there is a flash of the crack growing wider and flashing brilliantly.

The TARDIS dematerialises with Amy inside, leaving the Doctor stranded in present-day Colchester . He tracks the disturbance which affected the TARDIS to the second floor of a flat, where people have been persuaded to enter but have never left. The Doctor rents part of the downstairs apartment occupied by Craig Owens ( James Corden ), who wishes to declare his love for his friend Sophie ( Daisy Haggard ). When Sophie is lured up to the second floor, the Doctor and Craig enter the flat and discover that it is a TARDIS-like spaceship (disguised by a perception filter ) which has been luring passersby to find a suitable pilot. When Craig does not want to leave, the ship's protocols are counteracted; with its hold on the house broken, the TARDIS can land. In the TARDIS, Amy finds her engagement ring from Rory.

fd_The_Big_Bang_Theory_04x07

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Scene: The University Cafeteria. Leonard: No, seriously, I think I've finally figured out my problem with women. Sheldon: The capybara is the largest member of the rodent family. Leonard: What does that have to do with me and women? Sheldon: Nothing. It was a desperate attempt to introduce an alternate topic of conversation. Leonard: My problem is, I don't project confidence. So I decided that the next time I meet a woman I think is attractive, rather than holding back and being cautious, I'm going to assume the mantle of self-assurance. Raj: Oh, yeah? What's that look like? Leonard: Hi. I'm Leonard. And you are beautiful. You pop, sparkle and buzz electric. I'm going to pick you up at eight, show you a night you will never forget. Raj: Where are we going? Howard: Good news. I made it onto the team for the new Defence Department laser-equipped surveillance satellite. Sheldon: Excuse me. If we're changing topics, I believe I have first dibs with capybara, a rodent the size of a baby hippo. Leonard: Congratulations Howard. Howard: Thanks. Listen, I have to get a security clearance, so you guys might be hearing from the FBI. Raj: Whoa, whoa, whoa! I don't want to speak to the FBI. Leonard: Why not? Raj: I'm brown and I talk funny. Howard: They're just doing a background check on me. Raj: It doesn't matter. They'll find a reason to give me a one-way ticket back to Gandhi-ville. By the way, when I say that, it's not offensive. Leonard: Don't be ridiculous, Raj. You're here legally. Raj: Nobody cares. Do you know how long it's been since I got through airport security without being given a colonoscopy? Sheldon: You know, I try very hard to make our lunch hours educational and informative, but your insistence on talking about your own lives stymies me at every turn. Leonard: Fine, Sheldon, tell us about your giant rodents. Sheldon: No, you squandered your time with me, and the moment has now passed. Feast on your disappointment, much as the capybara feasts on its own waste. Credits sequence. Scene: Raj's apartment. Raj is reading New Moon. Raj: Oh, Bella, don't you see? Edward's only pushing you away because he loves you. (Knock on door) Coming. Woman at Door: Dr. Koothrappali? (Raj nods) I'm Special Agent Page, FBI. May I come in? (Nods again) I'd like to talk to you about Howard Wolowitz. (Indicates sofa) Oh, thank you. All right. Well, how long have you known Mr. Wolowitz? Raj (Holds up finger to indicate he will be right back. Runs to kitchen. Tries to drink wine but bottle is empty. Looks in fridge and finds rum cake. Comes back stuffing a piece in his mouth): Rum cake? Page: No, thanks. Now, about Mr. Wolowitz. Raj: Seven years. Page: I see. Raj: I'm in this country legally, you know. Page: I'm sure you are. Now, to your knowledge, has Mr. Wolowitz ever committed a crime? Raj: Of course not. I'm here on an H-1B visa, which means I can't be associated in any way with crime or criminal activity. And I'm not. Page: Good. To your knowledge, does Mr. Wolowitz have any foreign contacts? Raj: No, just me. Oh, there it is. Here comes a cavity search. Page: Excuse me? Raj: Please don't send me back to India, it's so crowded. It's like the whole country is one endless Comic-Con, except everybody's wearing the same costume, Indian Guy. Page: Dr. Koothrappali, I'm not... Raj: I love this country! The-the baseball, the freedom, the rampant morbid obesity! From California to the New York Island, I'm a real Yankee Doodle boy! Page: Dr. Koothrappali, please. Raj: My country 'tis of thee, duh duh duh liberty, It's really great. Scene: Leonard's lab. Leonard: So, when Howard said the FBI would be contacting me, I was expecting Mulder. Glad to see I got Scully. Page: Who? Leonard: Mulder and Scully. X-Files. The truth is out there. Never mind. Uh, so, what would you like to know? Page: You work with Mr. Wolowitz here at the university, correct? Leonard: Yes. Of course, we're in different departments. He's an engineer and I'm an experimental physicist. You know, one of those guys who examines the building blocks of creation and says, Hello, maker of the universe, I see what you did there. Good one. Page: Right. Now, how would you characterize your relationship with Mr. Wolowitz? Leonard: Good. It's a good relationship. Of course, most of my relationships are good. Probably because I exude confidence. People are drawn to that, you know? Confidence, not exuding. Page: Do you know of any groups Mr. Wolowitz is a member of? Leonard: You are beautiful, you know that? You pop, sparkle and buzz electric. I'm going to pick you up at eight, show you a night you will never forget. Page: Sounds great. Leonard: Really? Page: Yeah. Can my six-foot-two Navy SEAL husband come with us? Leonard: Is that, oh, my, I didn't see the ring with my glasses off, so, look at that, I'm starting to exude. Scene: The apartment. There is a knock on the door. Leonard: Want to get that? Sheldon: Not particularly. Leonard: Could you get that? Sheldon: I suppose I could if I were asked. Leonard: Would you please get that? Sheldon: Of course. Why do you have to make things so complicated? Page: Dr. Cooper? Sheldon: Yes. Page: I'm Special Agent Page, FBI. Sheldon: You say you're Special Agent Page, FBI. Page: Here's my I.D. Sheldon: And here is my Justice League membership card. But that doesn't prove I know Batman. Page: I just want to ask you a few questions about Howard Wolowitz. Sheldon: Oh. All right. I doubt anyone would risk the stiff penalties for impersonating a federal officer just to ask questions about a minor league engineer with an unresolved Oedipal complex. Page: Thank you. Sheldon: For the record, I truly support the FBI in the mission which is expressed through their motto? Page: Fidelity, bravery, integrity? Sheldon: Correct. Now to business. 18 years ago, I sent the FBI Crime Lab samples from a bag of excrement that had been lit on fire on my front porch for fingerprinting and DNA analysis. Why haven't I heard back yet? Page: Well, the FBI Crime Lab does have a lot on its plate. Sheldon: That's of little comfort to a nation attempting to scrape burning feces off its shoes. Page: Would you mind if we talked about Mr. Wolowitz now? Sheldon: A little, but go on. Page: Thank you. Would you characterize him as responsible? Sheldon: I'm going to answer that with a visual aid. This is my nine-disc complete Lord of the Rings trilogy blu-ray set. Mr. Wolowitz borrowed it, damaged plastic retention hub number three, and then returned it to me, hoping I wouldn't notice. Would you characterize that as responsible? Page: That's really not the sort of thing we're interested in. Sheldon: You heard me say blu-ray, right? Page: I did. Sheldon: Very well. Would you be interested in knowing that Mr. Wolowitz once snuck onto my World of Warcraft account and changed the name of a certain level-80 warlock from Sheldor to Smeldor? Page: I'm afraid not. Is there anything else? Sheldon: Is there anything else? Where would you like to start? He refuses to pay fines when he's overdue with books I lend him. He crashed the Mars Rover while attempting to impress a woman. He recommended that I go see the third Matrix movie because it was, and I quote, just as good as the first one. If that's not irresponsible, I don't know what is. Page: The Mars Rover? Sheldon: Did I say Mars Rover? Page: You did. Sheldon: That was actually a poorly chosen example, as it had nothing to do with me. Page: Yes, well, let's talk about it anyway. Sheldon: I don't want to. Not that my disinclination to discuss the topic should be interpreted as evidence of Howard Wolowitz's culpability in the destruction of government property worth millions of dollars. Page: Thank you, Dr. Cooper. I think I have all I need. Sheldon: Oh, good. I was afraid you were going to fixate on that Mars Rover incident. Scene: The cafeteria. Howard: Hey, buddies. Guess who didn't get security clearance to work on the giant space laser? Leonard: What happened? Howard: Apparently, the background interviews didn't go well. You guys wouldn't know anything about that, would you? Raj: Well, actually, I may have gotten a little tipsy when I talked to her. Leonard: And I may have hit on her a little bit. Raj: I may have thrown up rum cake on her shoes. Howard: I see. Well, it's good to know, when I need you guys, I can always count on you to step up and ruin everything. Leonard: I feel awful. Raj: Ah, me, too. Leonard: To tell you the truth, I thought if anyone was going to screw things up for Howard, it'd be Sheldon. Sheldon: Well, your expectations have been subverted. Aha. Scene: The apartment. Leonard: What are you doing up? Sheldon: Sleep eludes me, Leonard. Leonard: Really? Maybe sleep has met you before. Sheldon: Mockery? That's all you have to offer? Leonard: I'm sorry. Why can't you sleep? Sheldon: Who knows? I haven't watched any scary movies recently. I'm no longer obsessing over why the predicted mass of the quantum vacuum has little effect on the expansion of the universe. And it's been weeks since I took that accidental sip of Red Bull. Leonard: Did something happen today that's bothering you? Sheldon: Well, I did mention the Mars Rover incident to that FBI agent and probably cost Howard his security clearance. Leonard: What? Sheldon: But why should that keep me up? Leonard: Because you feel guilty? Sheldon: Interesting. So you're saying my insomnia is caused by a guilty conscience. Leonard: Actually, you don't have insomnia. You're sleeping now. Sheldon: Excuse me? Leonard: You're having a guilt-ridden dream. Sheldon: Do you have any evidence to support that hypothesis? Leonard: How about that Gorn sitting on the couch? Sheldon: That seems fairly conclusive. (In his bed) No, Gorn, no. That's where I sit. Scene: Agent Page's Office. Sheldon: Thank you for agreeing to see me, Agent Page. Page: Thank you for filing a complaint with my superior, Dr. Cooper. I understand you want to recant your statement about Howard Wolowitz. Sheldon: Yes. Page: Was your statement untrue? Sheldon: No. Page: Then I'm afraid you can't withdraw it. Sheldon: I'm sorry. I don't recall you saying no backsies. Page: Is there anything else? Sheldon: Yes. I'd like to offer a laudatory statement about Howard's many excellent qualities that I believe will tip the scales back in his favour. Howard Joel Wolowitz. H is for honesty, of which he has much. O's for outstanding, which he is such. W's for witty, he's quick with a joke. A's for artistic, his ability... Page: I'm sorry, Dr. Cooper, this matter is already closed. Sheldon: But I still have rd Joel Wolowitz left to go. Page: It's closed. Sheldon: I don't understand why you people are picking on my friend, Howard, when there are much more serious security threats to pursue. For instance, when I first met Leonard, he was on the verge of giving away rocket secrets to a North Korean spy, and not one agent ever investigated that. Page: This is Leonard Hofstadter? Sheldon: No, it's a different Leonard. He's Chinese, red hair, six fingers. Good-bye. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene: A corridor at the university. Sheldon: Raj. Have you seen Howard? Raj: I think he's eating lunch. Uh, Sheldon, I want you to meet Neil deGrasse Tyson from the Hayden Planetarium in New York. Sheldon: I'm quite familiar with Dr. Tyson. He's responsible for the demotion of Pluto from planetary status. I liked Pluto. Ergo I do not like you. Dr Tyson: But I actually didn't demote Pluto. That was a vote of the International Astronomical Union. Sheldon: If ifs and buts were candy and nuts, we'd all have a merry Christmas. Think about that, Dr. Tyson. Dr Tyson: Is that the guy you were telling me about? Raj: Oh, yeah. Scene: The cafeteria. Sheldon: Howard. The person at fault for you not getting a security clearance is me. Howard: You? Sheldon: Yes, but before you get upset, I want you to know I went to the FBI and retracted my statement. Howard: And they were okay with that? Sheldon: No. If anything, I made it worse. In any case, I have been riddled with guilt, which is causing Gorn-infested REM sleep. So, I'm here now to say I'm sorry. Howard: Are you kidding me? You've set my career back at least two years, and you think you can make it right with I'm sorry? Sheldon: Yes. I followed the social protocol. I attempted to right the wrong, and when I failed to do so I delivered a heartfelt apology. Now you say apology accepted, and I will offer you a one-time-only high five. Howard: Your apology is not accepted. Sheldon: You're tricking me. It really is, isn't it? Howard: Leave me alone, Sheldon. Dr Tyson: Dr. Cooper, I just wanted you to know I'm sorry for the role I played in the Pluto matter. Sheldon: Oh, shut up. Scene: The bar of the Cheesecake Factory. Penny: Sheldon? Sheldon: Hello. Penny: What are you doing here? Sheldon: I have troubles, Penny. I've come to pour them out to the sympathetic ear of the local barkeep. Penny: You know, they have a really nice bar over at the Olive Garden. Sheldon: I don't like the Olive Garden. They treat me like family. Penny: Okay, Sheldon. What can I get you? Sheldon: Alcohol. Penny: Could you be a little more specific? Sheldon: Ethyl alcohol. 40 millilitres. Penny: I'm sorry, honey, I don't know millilitres. Sheldon: Ah. Blame President James "Jimmy" Carter. He started America on a path to the metric system but then just gave up. He wonders why he was a one-term president. Penny (pouring out a shot of tequila): Would you say that's about 40 milliliters? Sheldon: More or less. Penny: Great. (Drinks the tequila) Now, where were we? Sheldon: I believe you were about to ask me to choose a cocktail. Fortunately, thanks to computer-savvy alcoholics, there's an app for that. Let's see. Harvey Wallbanger. Eh. s*x on the Beach. I hardly think so. Rob Roy, Silk Slipper, Mad Hatter. Ooh! I'll have a Rosewater Ricky. Penny: A what? Sheldon: You'll need pitted, brandied cherries, gin, rosewater, angostura bitters and overproofed rum. Now, first, dust the cherries with sugar, then spray them with a mixture of rum and bitters. Then ignite the rum, caramel... Penny (pouring out a shot of tequila): Here you go, one Rosewater Ricky. Sheldon: That's not how it looks in the picture. Penny: Oh, yeah, you know, every bartender makes it differently. Why don't you give it a try. Sheldon: All right. To the metric system. (Knocks back drink. Spits it all back into glass.) I can't taste the cherries. Penny: All right. Sheldon, what's on your mind? Sheldon: I wronged Howard, and he won't accept my apology. Penny: Oh, right, that. Yes, Leonard told me. Sorry, honey. Sheldon: Penny, you face failure on a daily basis. How do you cope? Penny: I drink. Sheldon: To drinking. (Knocks back drink and spits it out again.) Nope. Oh, if only there were some way to force Howard to accept my apology so I could escape this miasma of guilt. Penny: You know, sometimes stuff just happens, and there's nothing you can do about it. For example, Lisa Peterson hasn't talked to me since the 11th grade, because no matter how much you apologize, you can't go back and un-dry-hump someone's boyfriend. Sheldon: I see. You're saying I'm facing Starfleet Academy's unwinnable command scenario, the Kobayashi Maru. Penny: Exactly. Sometimes you can't win. Sheldon: Captain Kirk won. Penny: Kirk cheated. Sheldon: Impressive that you know that. It's hard to believe I'm actually having this conversation with you. Penny: Right there with you. Sheldon: Kirk beat the Kobayashi Maru by reprogramming the simulator. That's it. Penny: What? Sheldon: I'll reprogram Howard. Penny: What? Sheldon, you can't reprogram people. Sheldon: No, you can't reprogram people. To James Tiberius Kirk. (Drinks. Leaves. Comes back and spits it out again.) Scene: The cafeteria. Sheldon: Hello, all. Raj: Hello. Leonard: Hey. Sheldon: Howard, you're feeling better about me today, aren't you? Howard: Not really. Sheldon: Yes, you are. I'm using neurolinguistic programming to modify your thought patterns. Howard: Oh. Go away, Sheldon. Sheldon: There's a nine ninety five e-book down the drain. Raj: What's in the bag? Sheldon: It's for Howard. Howard: Oh. Sheldon, you can't fix this with gifts. Sheldon: Nevertheless, I've hurt you, and whether you forgive me or not, I want you to have this. Howard: You're giving me a couch cushion? Sheldon: No. The cushion is merely symbolic. I'm giving you my spot on the couch. Howard: But you love that spot. Sheldon: No. I love my mother. My feelings for my spot are much greater. It is the singular location in space around which revolves my entire universe. And now it's yours. Raj: Oh, my God, dude. Now you have to forgive him. Howard: All right. Apology accepted. Sheldon: High five. Not too hard. Thank you. Raj: I haven't cried like this since Toy Story 3. Scene: The apartment. Howard: I got to tell you, Sheldon, I understand why you chose this spot. I mean, the temperature is good, but there's no draft. I can see the television, but I can still talk to... Sheldon: I changed my mind. Get out of my spot. Penny: How long? Leonard: 94 seconds.

Howard needs security clearance to work on a new project, so an FBI agent comes to ask Leonard, Sheldon and Raj about his background. Since the agent is an attractive woman, Raj and Leonard embarrass themselves. Sheldon, however, tells her about the time Howard drove a Mars rover into a ditch (The Lizard-Spock Expansion), so Howard is rejected for the project. Howard rejects Sheldon's apologies until he is allowed[clarification needed] to sit in Sheldon's spot on the couch, although Sheldon takes it back after 94 seconds.

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I do not own the characters or situations of BTVS, and I claim no credit for the content of this episode. I have merely transcribed what appeared on my screen, with help from the closed captions. I prefer that you link to this transcript on the Psyche site rather than post it on your site, but you can post it on your site if you want, as long as you keep my name and email address on it. Please also keep my disclaimers intact. You can use my transcripts in your fanfiction stories; you don't have to ask my permission. (However, if you use large portions of episode dialogue in your fanfic, I recommend you give credit to the person who wrote the episode.) I apologize in advance for my lame transcription of the fight scenes. I don't know the names of different punches and kicks. Use your imagination. [SCENE_BREAK] Teaser GILES VOICEOVER: Previously: Buffy punching Spike. Spike punching Buffy. SPIKE: Looks like I'm not as toothless as you thought, sweetheart. BUFFY: How? SPIKE: You came back wrong. Tara and Willow at the Bronze. TARA: Willow, you are using too much magic. What do you want me to do, just ... sit back and keep my mouth shut? WILLOW: Well, that'd be a good start. Willow doing the forget spell. WILLOW: Forget. Tara and Willow arguing. TARA: I know you used that spell on me. What is wrong with you? TARA: I don't think this is gonna work. Willow crying. Tara packing her stuff. WILLOW: Are you saying you're gonna leave me? Willow turning the rat back into Amy. BUFFY: Amy? How've you been? AMY: Rat. You? BUFFY: Dead. AMY: Oh. WILLOW: It's nice, having another magically-inclined friend around. Willow and Amy causing havoc at the Bronze. WILLOW: There's gotta be someplace, like, bigger than this. AMY: It's way too early to go home yet. Willow smiling. Warren stealing the diamond from the museum. JONATHAN: It's beautiful. WARREN: Boys, congratulations, Phase One of the plan is now complete. Spike and Buffy in the abandoned house. SPIKE: I'm in love with you. BUFFY: You're in love with pain. Buffy throwing Spike against the wall. SPIKE: Afraid I'm gonna- Buffy kissing Spike. The building falling apart while Spike and Buffy do their thing up against the wall. Spike and Buffy falling through the floor. A loud noise from the TV wakes Tara up. She looks around in surprise. Dawn wakes as well. DAWN: (yawning) What time is it? TARA: (looks at her watch) Almost seven. God, I just closed my eyes for a minute. DAWN: (squinting at the TV) Hm. And now there's cartoons. (frowns sleepily) Plus, a mother of all night-wedgies. TARA: (looks around) Uh-oh. DAWN: It's not tragic. I'm sure as soon as I stand up- TARA: No, Dawn ... why didn't anybody wake us up? Where is everyone? Cut to upstairs. Dawn opens the door to Buffy's room, revealing the neatly made bed that has clearly not been slept in. Dawn and Tara look in, look confused. Dawn walks down the hall with Tara following. Dawn opens the door to Willow's bedroom. The bed is also neatly made and not slept in. DAWN: Willow didn't come home either. They were out all night. Dawn fidgets nervously, turns to Tara. DAWN: Where are they? TARA: (walks closer) I'm sure they're fine, Dawnie. I'm sure they just ... lost track of time. Dawn looks uncertain. Cut to the abandoned house. Rubble, bits of broken wood and plaster and cardboard everywhere. Pan across to reveal a bare foot. Suddenly Buffy sits up with a gasp, naked and holding her black leather skirt over her chest. She looks around fearfully, panting, frowning. Behind her Spike begins to stir. Buffy senses he's awake and jumps to her feet, wrapping the skirt around her body. She stands a few feet away while Spike continues to lie there naked looking up at her. We see that they both have bruises and hickeys on their faces. Spike has fingernail marks on his chest, as well as another hickey. BUFFY: (frowning) When ... (looks down at Spike) When did the building fall down? SPIKE: (looks around, frowns) I don't know. (Buffy looking alarmed) Must have been sometime between the first time and the, uh... He smirks. Buffy looks disgusted. BUFFY: Oh. (wincing, whining) Oh my god. Wolf howl, opening credits. Guest starring Elizabeth Anne Allen, Jeff Kober, and Amber Benson as Tara. Written by Marti Noxon, directed by David Solomon. [SCENE_BREAK] Act I [SCENE_BREAK] Open on the abandoned building. Buffy is now wearing her white blouse and black leather skirt, and is putting on a shoe. BUFFY: Shoe, need my shoe. (looking around) SPIKE: What's the hurry, luv? We see Spike still lying there naked with one hand behind his head looking very pleased with himself. BUFFY: The hurry is I left Dawn all night. And don't call me love. (continues looking for shoe) SPIKE: You didn't seem to take issue with that last night. (smirking) Or with any of the other little nasties we whispered. BUFFY: (stands up) Can we not? Talk? (putting on her second shoe) SPIKE: (sighs) I just don't see why you have to run off so quick. Thought we could- (waggling eyebrows) BUFFY: Not gonna happen. Last night was the end of this freak show. Buffy goes to walk past Spike but he reaches up and grabs her arm. She gives a little yelp of surprise. Spike pulls her down onto his lap. She struggles a bit. SPIKE: Don't say that. BUFFY: What did you think was gonna happen? What, we're gonna read the newspaper together, play footsie under the rubble? Spike shifts her so that he's holding her with one arm. He puts his other hand up under Buffy's skirt. She makes an expression of pleasure. SPIKE: (softly) Not exactly what I had in mind. Buffy pushes his hand away, struggles against him. BUFFY: Stop! SPIKE: (grinning) Make me. BUFFY: No! No! She continues struggling for about another half second and then grabs his face and kisses him. She puts her arms around his neck and moans. They kiss for a moment. BUFFY: (pulling back) No, no, I-I have to- SPIKE: Stay. I'm stuck here. (looks upward) Sun's up. Buffy looks at Spike for a moment, resumes kissing him. More moaning. Spike turns her around and lays her down on a conveniently placed pillow, lies on top of her. He moves down to kiss her neck. Buffy moans again. Spike lifts himself up to look at her. SPIKE: I knew. I knew the only thing better than killing a slayer would be f- BUFFY: What?! Buffy shoves him away and gets up angrily, moves a few feet away. Spike remains sprawled on the floor. BUFFY: Is that what this is about? Doing a slayer? SPIKE: (smirking) Well, I wouldn't throw stones, pet. You seem to be quite the groupie yourself. BUFFY: Shut up. (wiping her mouth with the back of her hand) SPIKE: I'm just sayin' ... vampires get you hot. BUFFY: *A* vampire got me hot. One. But he's gone. You're just... Beat. Spike waits to see what she'll say. BUFFY: You're just convenient. Spike looks hurt. He stares at her. Buffy's lip trembles like she might cry. Spike stands and begins putting on his pants. SPIKE: (angrily) So, what now? You go back to treating me like dirt till the next time you get an itch you can't scratch? (Buffy just looks at him) Well, forget it. (fastening his belt) Last night changed things. I'm done being your whipping boy. BUFFY: Nothing's changed. It was a mistake. SPIKE: Bollocks! It was a bloody revelation. Buffy still looks like she might cry. SPIKE: (walks closer to her) You can act as high and mighty as you like ... but I know where you live now, Slayer. (softly) I've tasted it. He leans in as if to kiss her but she pulls back. BUFFY: Get a grip. Like you're god's gift. SPIKE: (chuckling) Hardly. (stops smiling) Wouldn't be nearly as interesting, would it? He leans in to kiss her again. Buffy pushes him away and starts to walk off, but he moves to intercept her. BUFFY: No! Let me go! Spike stops her, puts his arms on her shoulders and holds her still. Buffy glares at him. SPIKE: I may be dirt ... but you're the one who likes to roll in it, Slayer. You never had it so good as me. Never. Buffy pushes his arms off. BUFFY: Uhh, you're bent. (moves past him to put on her jacket) SPIKE: Yeah, and it made you scream, didn't it? BUFFY: (very angrily) I swear to god, if you tell *anyone* about last night, I will kill you. SPIKE: (skeptically) Right. Spike reaches into the back pocket of his jeans and pulls something out. SPIKE: You're gonna want these, too. He holds up a pair of lacy white panties. Buffy scowls and punches him in the face. He staggers backward and goes down out of shot. Cut to the Summers kitchen. Tara is ladling pancake batter onto a pan on the stove. TARA: Pancakes? Dawn enters, walks toward the fridge. DAWN: Uh, sure. (goes to the fridge, takes out a carton of orange juice) Um, should we call Xander? What if they're all in a ditch somewhere? (closes fridge) Ditches are bad. Mom always used to talk about the ditches. Dawn takes a glass and pours orange juice. Tara takes the pancake batter bowl to the sink and adds some water. TARA: Nobody's in a ditch. We'll call, but ... we'll give them some time before we wake them up. Tara turns back to the stove. TARA: Funny shapes, or...? (sighs) Sound of the back door opening. Both Tara and Dawn turn. Willow and Amy enter, chattering. WILLOW: It'll wear off in a day or- Willow stops as she spots Tara. They look at each other. WILLOW: (nervous) Hey. TARA: (nervous) Hey. I just ... B-Buffy didn't come home last night ... either, so... WILLOW: Uh, hey, uh ... this is Amy. Amy, Tara, Tara, Amy. AMY: (smiles) How you doin'? TARA: Fine, I ... I'd b-better g-get going. (turns to go) WILLOW: (to Tara) Amy! Amy the rat? (to Amy) Sorry. AMY: No, that's fair. I was a rat. TARA: (confused) When... AMY: Last night. It's nuts, everything's different. I mean ... (grins at Willow) the Bronze, for one thing. (to Tara) And Willow! She's a freaking amazing witch now. (Tara looking upset) I couldn't even keep up with her last night. WILLOW: Amy. AMY: No, it's true! (to Tara) I mean, I can do some transmography, but she is messing with dimensions and everything, it was awesome! This blowhard dude, first she made his mouth disappear? Thank god. And then- Tara continues looking angrily at Willow. AMY: I'm talking too much. Sorry. It's just been ... you know ... me and a bag of pellets for the last few years, so... TARA: No, it's, it's fine. It's just, um, I, I re-really need to go. (turns to leave) WILLOW: Tara, uh, you left some stuff upstairs, it's in- TARA: (walking away) I'll get them later. WILLOW: Tara! Tara walks down the hall toward the foyer. On the way, she passes Buffy who has just come in the front door. Buffy gives Tara a confused look and continues into the kitchen. Buffy walks with a slight limp. She still has visible bruises and/or hickeys on her face. DAWN: Buffy! Uh, where were you, are you okay? BUFFY: I'm fine. DAWN: You're not, you're all sore and limpy. BUFFY: I, I'm not ... sore, I just... (sits down with a grimace of pain) ... I had a fight, you know, the ... all-nighter kind. DAWN: Figured. I knew that's why you didn't call. So, what's the big bad? Uh, should we be worried? Buffy looks around at Amy sitting beside her and Willow standing by the fridge. BUFFY: No. I mean, I, I think you guys are, are safe. (to Willow) Tara was here? WILLOW: I guess she stayed over with Dawn. BUFFY: You guess? Where were you? WILLOW: (indicates Amy) We went out, kinda lost track of time. BUFFY: Oh. Both Buffy and Willow look guilty. WILLOW: I never would have if I knew you weren't coming home. BUFFY: No, o-of course, I mean, you know, it wasn't ... intentional. (Dawn listening) And, you know, everyone's safe. (to Dawn) You are, right? You're okay? DAWN: Oh, yeah. I mean, um, I think my pancakes are burning, but... Willow looks over at the stove, walks slowly over and turns it off. Shot of the pan with a very burnt pancake on it. DAWN: (OS) Tara was making... WILLOW: (staring at the pancake) I've, uh ... I've gotta get some sleep. BUFFY: Me too. (gets up painfully) AMY: Yeah. (gets up) I should go home. Dad's expecting me. WILLOW: Okay. I'll call you later. AMY: (going to the door) Yeah, good. Amy leaves. Buffy looks at Dawn. BUFFY: You sure you're all right? I'm sorry about everything. DAWN: It's okay. You should rest. You're beat from monster-wrestling all night. BUFFY: (quietly) Yeah. Right. (very quietly) Thanks. Buffy goes toward the front. WILLOW: Yeah, I'm gonna crash too. Night Dawnie. Willow follows Buffy. Dawn remains standing in the kitchen. DAWN: No problem. I'll just ... (to herself) go find some awake people. Cut to upstairs. Willow walks into her room, closes the door, lies down on the bed fully dressed. She closes her eyes for a moment, opens them again. Shot of the window with lots of light streaming in through the open curtains. WILLOW: Claudete. She gestures at the window. Nothing happens. She lifts her head and looks at the window. WILLOW: (louder) Claudete! (gestures) Still nothing. Willow frowns, gets up tiredly, walks over and closes the curtains with her hands. Goes back to the bed still frowning, lies down and closes her eyes. Cut to the magic shop. Anya and Xander sit at the round table looking at books. XANDER: All these demons are starting to look alike. You got reptiles ... reptiles with horns ... reptiles with gills. Shot of Buffy standing by the counter looking at books, glancing over at Xander. XANDER: And I'm still finding nothing of the 'steal a diamond, freeze a guy' variety. Shot of Anya looking very interested in her book. XANDER: Ahn, would you hand me that one next to you? Anya doesn't respond. XANDER: Great, we're not even married yet and already you've stopped listening to me. He reaches across her to get a book. As he picks it up, something falls out of it and onto the table. Close shot of it. It's a magazine called "Bride & Joy." Xander looks at it, puts his hand on the book Anya's reading and tips it down. Reveal that she's actually reading a bridal magazine hidden in the demon book. XANDER: Anya! ANYA: I'm sorry, but this is pointless! (Buffy coming over) We've been researching forever, and we're not even close to finding out who robbed that museum. BUFFY: What's up? XANDER: Anya has a theory. She thinks that Martha Stewart froze that guy. ANYA: Don't be ridiculous. Martha Stewart isn't a demon. (to Buffy) She's a witch. XANDER: Please, she- (pauses) Really? ANYA: Of course. Nobody could do that much decoupage without calling on the powers of darkness. BUFFY: Guys, while this is fascinating, we still have work to do. ANYA: I know I do! (looking at bridal magazine) I can't decide whether to put my bridesmaids in cocktail dresses ... (Buffy and Xander rolling their eyes) ...or the traditional burlap with blood larva. XANDER: The traditional what? ANYA: Well, I was a demon for a thousand years, you don't expect me to turn my back on all the ways of my people. BUFFY: Uh, can I weigh in on this whole me wearing larva- ANYA/XANDER: No. Buffy sighs in irritation, sits. ANYA: (to Xander) At least I'm not asking you to perform the groom's rite of self-flagellation. Xander is about to reply but Buffy interrupts. BUFFY: Uh, guys! There's something out there? (Anya and Xander looking embarrassed) XANDER: There is. And as much as I hate to admit that my ... bizarre bride-to-be has a point ... we're gettin' nowhere here, Buff. Maybe it's time to try something new. You know? Hit the streets, get Spike on it. BUFFY: No! No, no Spike. And no hit the streets, we, we, we stay put, you know? Away from distractions. We'll figure this out. ANYA: What about Willow, can't she do something? BUFFY: Maybe. But she's home sleeping. XANDER: Sleeping? She sick? BUFFY: No, she was out late. With Amy. (Xander looks annoyed) ANYA: And I'm bizarre. At least I didn't dump you to hang out with an ex-rat. BUFFY: No, it's not like that, you know, she's just ... helping Amy through a transition. XANDER: And making herself a playmate to do magic with. Someone who won't monitor her like Tara. BUFFY: No, Willow's a grownup. You know, maybe she doesn't need to be monitored. Xander stares at her. BUFFY: You know, she's going through something, but we're not her. I mean ... m-maybe she has reasons for acting this way. (Anya staring at her) And, so what if she crossed a line? You know, we all do stuff. Stupid stuff. But, then we learn. And, and we learn, and, and we don't do it again. Okay, so, you know, who are we to get all judgey? XANDER: Not judgey, Buff. Just, observey. ANYA: Yeah, all we're saying is, she's acting different. You know, she's not herself. Anya and Xander return to looking at books. Buffy stares at them, looks contemplative. Cut to the street. Amy and Willow walk along, past the coffee shop. It's night. Various people walking around, sitting and drinking coffee, etc. AMY: So what do you wanna do? It's gonna be hard to top last night. WILLOW: Yeah, I don't know if I can. I felt awful today, and I couldn't do magic. Took me all day to get my powers back. I think we should just take it easy. AMY: (steps in front of her and stops) I have a better idea. WILLOW: What? AMY: I know this guy ... and he knows spells that last for days. And the burnout factor is like, nothing. WILLOW: Really? He's a warlock? AMY: I guess. Look, I am not kidding you. This guy ... will blow your mind. He will take you to places that you can't even imagine. Willow looks uncertain. She turns and resumes walking. Amy falls into step beside her. WILLOW: Is it dangerous? AMY: Would that stop you? They walk on, out of shot. Cut to an alley. Amy and Willow walk out from between two buildings and turn toward an open space. They walk forward slowly. AMY: This is it. WILLOW: Where? I thought you said the guy lived around here. AMY: He does. (stops walking) You can't feel it? We see a long stretch of alley in front of them, apparently empty. WILLOW: What do you- Amy takes Willow's hand and holds it up to the air, moves it horizontally. AMY: Here. WILLOW: It's hot. Amy grins excitedly, turns toward Willow and walks backward into the open space. AMY: Come on. The air ripples around her as she walks backward, and then she disappears. Willow stares, puts out her hand and walks forward. Her hand and arm, and then her whole body, ripple and disappear. Cut to inside a building. Amy stands there smiling. She turns to look at the closed door. Willow appears, coming through the door (the still closed door) still with her hand in front of her. The door ripples as she walks through it. She looks around wide-eyed. Pan across the room. It's fairly run-down with some old chairs and sofas, old lamps, etc. We see a bunch of young people sitting on the sofas looking strung out. AMY: It's cool, isn't it? The place is cloaked. WILLOW: Yeah. AMY: Moves around a lot too. Keeps Rack out of trouble. WILLOW: Rack, who's- They both turn as another door opens and a man comes out. He gives them a look and walks forward. GIRL: (anxious) Rack, Rack, it's my turn. GUY: No, man, you said I was up. GIRL: Bull, I've been here for hours! Rack ignores them, walks toward Amy and Willow. He has long stringy hair, an amulet around his neck, a scar on his face, and his eyes point in different directions. RACK: I believe these two are next. Amy and Willow exchange a look. Amy looks pleased, Willow nervous. Blackout. [SCENE_BREAK] Act II [SCENE_BREAK] Open on the inner room of Rack's place. Willow, Amy, and Rack enter. Willow still looks nervous. Amy is removing her jacket. She wears a sleeveless top. AMY: Thanks, Rack, for taking us. (puts her jacket down) I know it's been a while. You'll never believe- RACK: You were a rat. AMY: How did you know? RACK: (chuckling) I hope that taught you not to mess with spells you can't handle. You should leave that in the hands of a professional. He rubs his hands together. Little sparks of magic fly off them. Willow watches with interest. Rack continues to rub his hands together with magic effects. He stares at Willow. RACK: Oh. This one's givin' off vibes. (walks closer) WILLOW: (nervous) I don't mean to ... vibe at you, I, if it's in a negative way. RACK: (walks around behind her) No, no, I-I mean you ... have power, girl, it's just (waving his hands around her body) coming off you in waves. WILLOW: (embarrassed) Not so much. Rack walks around in front of her, stares at her. It's creepy. WILLOW: I mean, I-I can do stuff, but, I get tapped out quick, and I've used practically every spell I know. RACK: And what do you want me to do about that? WILLOW: (uncertain) I-I don't know, I, I thought- (looks back at Amy) Amy said- RACK: Amy said. Amy said I could help you. But did Amy say how you could help me? WILLOW: No, I-I have some money, a-a bit- RACK: (shakes head) Not money. WILLOW: (nervous) Well, I could help you with your computer, I'm really handy- Rack walks forward, holding out his hand toward her chest. RACK: Just relax, I'm not gonna hurt you. You gotta give a little to get a little, right? Willow looks very nervous, looks at Amy. AMY: (whispers) It's okay. It's over fast. Willow nods hesitantly, turns back to Rack. RACK: That's right. I'm just gonna take a little tour. He puts his hand over Willow's chest, not actually touching her. Suddenly a bolt of magic goes from his hand into her body. Willow gasps and closes her eyes. Rack closes his eyes too. Magic sparks and red light continue swirling around his hand and Willow's body. Both panting. Amy watches intently. After a moment the magic breaks off and Rack takes his hand back, opens his eyes, looks at Willow, grins a little. He leans forward, puts his fingers on Willow's chin and puts his face next to her, whispers in her ear. RACK: You taste ... like strawberries. He pulls back. Willow still has her eyes closed with an expression of ecstasy. Cut to later. Amy stands in the middle of the room spinning around and around with her arms held out at her sides. Dreamy music. Shot of Rack reclining on a sofa nearby, holding in his hands what looks like a glass ball with a reflection of Amy spinning around inside it. Amy continues to spin faster and faster until she's a blur. Rack looks upward. Pan slowly up to reveal Willow on the ceiling. She lies there with her shirt almost completely unbuttoned, her hair spread out across the ceiling. She writhes slowly, a small smile on her face. Willow opens her eyes, looks down. Shot of the room from her perspective with sofas around the perimeter and a round table in the middle of the room surrounded by cushions. Bright green grass begins to sprout, covering the entire floor and all the furniture. Willow closes her eyes again, rolls over onto her stomach on the ceiling. Blurry motion suggesting the passing of time. She rolls back over onto her back. The grass and bright green trees and bushes continue to grow on the floor. Willow continues to writhe in ecstasy on the ceiling. We see a figure of a person moving in the foliage but can't make it out. Willow opens her eyes and looks. We see what looks like the bare legs of a person being dragged under a bush. Willow frowns a little. Then a red-skinned demon comes out from under the bush and snarls up at Willow. Willow gives a short scream and falls from the ceiling. She lands on her stomach on the floor. All the grass and greenery is gone -- it was a hallucination. Willow just lies there on the floor. Zoom in on her face. Her eyes are closed. Suddenly she blurs into motion. She's standing up, in a room full of people (the Bronze?). Her eyes are completely black. Another blur of motion and suddenly she's standing on the street in front of the Magic Box, the store all lit up behind her. Zoom in on Willow. She pants and looks around, her eyes still black. Another blur and she's back on the floor. She slowly opens her eyes, which are now normal. She frowns, gets up to a kneeling position. We see that she's in her bedroom. She kneels there panting and looking around with a frown. Cut to the bathroom. The shower is running. A pair of hands press against the wall underneath the showerhead. Pan over to reveal Willow standing with her face under the water, crying. Cut to the bedroom. Willow walks out of the bathroom, wearing a red robe. She walks slowly into the room. We see a box of clothing with the word "TARA" on it. Willow slowly takes a sweater and skirt from the box, takes the clothing over to the bed and lays it out, sits on the bed beside it. She waves her hand over the clothing. Slowly the fabric begins to billow up and fill out. The clothing animates and sits up. There's no head or hands, just the clothing filled with air. Willow leans over and lays her head against the sweater's chest. The sleeves wrap around her like arms hugging. Cut to: overhead shot of Sunnydale. The sun is setting. Cut to: external shot of the Summers house. Cut to the kitchen. Dawn stands at the stove with a pan. She uses her fingers to flip over a flat piece of bread on the pan. DAWN: Ow. Willow walks in. DAWN: Ow, ow! Ow. (sucks on her fingers) WILLOW: Or you could do it the hard way. DAWN: Spatulas are for wimps. I'm making peanut-butter-and-banana quesadillas. You want? WILLOW: (opens fridge) No thanks. I'm, uh, more in water mode. Willow takes out a bottle of water, walks over to the island and sits. Dawn removes her food from the pan and puts it on a plate. DAWN: Ow. Ow. Ow. You sure? It's my own brand-new invention. WILLOW: I'm sure. No, my ... tummy's feeling kinda rumbly. Willow drinks water. Dawn takes a bite of her creation. DAWN: (mouth full) Your loss. Very delicious. Dawn takes her plate and goes to sit beside Willow. DAWN: Buffy called. She said she was going straight from the Magic Box to do some patrolling. WILLOW: Oh, did she need help? DAWN: No, she was just calling to check in. For like the tenth time today. I think she's feeling all Joan Crawford 'cause of the other night. WILLOW: Yeah, about that, I'm ... I'm really sorry. I shouldn't have assumed Buffy would be here. DAWN: (smiling) Right. Assume would make you an ass out of me. Heh, um, or, uh, something. Anyway, please, it's cool. I mean, it's not like I even needed Tara to stay over. I'm so totally fine on my own. Willow nods and smiles. DAWN: (anxiously) But, you are gonna be around tonight, right? (eating) WILLOW: (earnestly) Right, totally! Uh, we can do something if you want. A movie maybe? DAWN: (smiling) Really? But I thought you weren't feeling so good. WILLOW: Well ... nothing a little Dawnie time won't fix. (Dawn smiles) If you feel like baggin' the peanut butter, I'll even buy you dinner. Dawn smiles with extreme relief. DAWN: Thank god! (picks up her plate) Remind me never to invent that again. Yecch. She takes her plate to the trash and throws away her creation. Willow drinks more water. WILLOW: Great, this'll be great. I'll just grab the paper and see what's playing. DAWN: I'll leave a note for Buffy on the refrigerator. That's the first place she goes after patrolling. She's such a pig after she kills things. Willow goes off. Dawn turns to write on a pad of paper attached to the fridge with a magnet. Cut to later. Buffy enters the house. It's dark and quiet. She starts toward the kitchen, hears a noise from upstairs, pauses and frowns, looking up. BUFFY: (calls) Hello? She starts up the stairs, her shoes making a lot of noise. BUFFY: Willow? She reaches the top, looks around the hall. BUFFY: Dawn? She starts into Dawn's room, pauses, looks toward Willow's room, moves in that direction. Cut to Willow's room. The chest of magic supplies sits on the floor, its lid open, magic supplies strewn randomly around the floor. Buffy walks over to it, squats down to look at it. We see a person sneaking out from behind the door. Buffy whirls around, jumps up and grabs the person, pinning her against the wall. It's Amy. She gasps. She's holding something against her chest with both hands. BUFFY: What's going on? AMY: (nervous) Uh-oh. (nervous chuckle) Busted. BUFFY: (shakes her) Where's Willow? AMY: (talking too fast, twitchy) She said - she said I, I-I could- (Buffy grabbing the thing she's holding) -wait! BUFFY: What is this? It's a plastic baggie with some herbs in it. Buffy tries to wrestle it out of Amy's hand. AMY: It's not what you think it is, it's sage! Buffy finally gets it free, sniffs it. BUFFY: That is what I think it is. (tosses it aside, grabs Amy again) What's going on? Where's Willow and Dawn? Amy rubs her arm nervously. AMY: I ... I saw - I saw her, but that was - I like your coat. When does the slayer find time to shop? BUFFY: (shakes her again, slamming her against the wall) So they didn't let you in? AMY: (smiles nervously) Not that they know of. BUFFY: What else did you take? AMY: (shakes her head quickly) Nothing. (Buffy slams her against the wall again) Ow! BUFFY: What else?! Buffy lets go Amy's arms and begins searching Amy's pockets. AMY: Please! Please, I need this stuff. Willow wants me to have it, she understands. Buffy removes several plastic bags and glass vials from Amy's pockets. BUFFY: Understands what? Breaking into someone's house for kitchen spices? (tosses the stuff aside) No, I don't think so. AMY: You should. She's as bad as I am, worse. (Buffy frowns) Bet she's at Rack's right now. BUFFY: Rack's? AMY: A place. He does spells, heavy stuff. (resentfully) Willow's his new favorite. BUFFY: She's there? (slams Amy against the wall again) With Dawn? (shakes Amy) AMY: (sickly) Ohh, don't shake me again, super strength. I think I'm gonna boot. BUFFY: Then tell me where this place is, and I won't. AMY: Well, it's downtown, but it moves. BUFFY: What do you mean, it moves? AMY: It's downtown, I'm, I'm not sure where it would be tonight exactly- BUFFY: (shakes her) Tell me how to find it. AMY: You just kinda have to feel it out ... oh god, I think I'm gonna- Amy puts her hand over her mouth and rushes toward the bathroom. Buffy looks disgusted, turns to leave. Cut to the street. Willow and Dawn walk along together. WILLOW: So, uh, the burger was good? You liked it? DAWN: (smiling) Are you kidding? It was like a meat party in my mouth. (pauses) Okay, now I'm just a kid, and even *I* know that came out wrong. (Willow gives a small smile) Uh, it was good. But you should have had something. WILLOW: I will. I'll eat. I'm ... saving myself for popcorn. (pauses) The other day, you had fun? DAWN: (frowns) Mm, what other day? Give me a Mon or a Fri here, something to work with. WILLOW: The other day with Tara. DAWN: Oh! Uh, yeah. I-I mean, it was, it was nice. Uh, but it wasn't a laugh riot. She's sad and everything. WILLOW: Did she say something? DAWN: Uh, not exactly. I can just tell, by the way she was acting. WILLOW: Oh. Willow seems distracted. Dawn looks anxious. DAWN: Uh, are you sure you're okay? You look a little- WILLOW: No, I'm fine. And Tara's in her new place and everything, she's all settled in? DAWN: Um ... we really didn't get into ... well... (looking around) Is this right? I-is this the way to the movies? WILLOW: Oh yeah, I'm, uh, I just, uh, took you the long way around. But we're almost there. I, uh, just have to make one quick stop first. Willow walks into an alley. Dawn frowns, follows. Cut to Rack's place. Willow and Dawn come rippling through the wall and door. Dawn looks around nervously. DAWN: What is this place? Why is it hidden? WILLOW: I don't know, it's cool, isn't it? Okay, you just hang here for a minute ... and I'll, I'll be back. (starts to go, pauses) You want me to conjure you a magazine or something? DAWN: Well, what about the movie? It starts at nine. WILLOW: (nodding, twitchy) We'll make it. I, I'll just be a minute. And it doesn't matter if we miss the trailers. Willow stumbles to the other door, opens it, goes in, closes it. Dawn stares after her. DAWN: (to herself) I like the trailers. Blackout. [SCENE_BREAK] Act III [SCENE_BREAK] Open on Dawn sitting on one of the sofas in Rack's waiting room. She rubs her thighs nervously, looks up at the clock. Close shot of the clock, which reads 10:05. Dawn stares in front of her, fidgeting a little. A sleazy-looking guy comes and sits down next to her, putting his pack of cigarettes on the coffee table and one lit cigarette in his mouth. Dawn looks disgusted, gets up and moves away. She walks over to a corner and stands there, hugging herself nervously. Cut to Rack reclining on a sofa. RACK: What do you think, strawberry? (magic sparkles on his hand) Can you handle some more? He shoots a bolt of magic upward. Peppy rock music begins. Pan along the stream of magic light to reveal Willow hovering in midair, surrounded by a bubble of magic. The stream coming from Rack's hand adds to the bubble. Close shot of Willow's face with her eyes closed. Cut to a view of outer space. Blackness and stars all around, stars moving past. The music changes to something dreamy and futuristic. Willow's erratic breathing is very loud. Willow floats in the starscape, dreamily. She reaches out her hand to touch some of the stars. Suddenly a bright red rift appears ahead of her. Willow frowns, her eyes still closed. The same demon from her other hallucination walks through the rift, holding a woman in his arms. The woman dangles limply as if dead. Willow screams. Cut back to Rack lying there watching her. He smiles as Willow's scream continues. Cut to Spike's crypt. Spike lies in bed sleeping. A large pillar candle suddenly flies over and hits him in the stomach. He sits up, startled. Reveal Buffy standing at the foot of the bed holding another candle. There are a few more candles on the table by the bed. BUFFY: God, do you sleep through anything? I was like yelling, and nothing. (puts candle down) Spike sits up on the edge of the bed. He's completely naked. SPIKE: I'm a bit knackered. Had a long night. (leers) Buffy scowls, turns to grab something. SPIKE: Someone should teach you how to use candles in foreplay, luv. Buffy throws his pants at him. BUFFY: Get dressed. Dawn's missing. SPIKE: Again? Ever think about a Lojack for the girl? (Buffy just looks at him) What's the story? BUFFY: She went out with Willow. SPIKE: Willow? (grinning) That's kind of a sorry excuse to come by. If you want the touch all you need to do is- BUFFY: Spike. Willow's into something. Okay, her and Dawn have been missing for hours. There, there's some guy named Rack. SPIKE: (frowns) Rack? BUFFY: Yeah, he's, uh, some sort of- SPIKE: I know who he is, he deals in magic. Black stuff, dangerous. BUFFY: I've been all over downtown and I can't find his place. SPIKE: Because he cloaks it. You can't feel it unless you're into the big bad - a witch or a vampire or- BUFFY: So let's go! Spike stands up, still naked. Buffy quickly turns her back. SPIKE: (scoffs) Oh, that's right. Hide your blushing eyes. Cut to Rack's place. Dawn still stands there fidgeting. She looks up at the clock. It now shows almost 11:00. Dawn sighs, fidgets, looks around. Starts walking toward the rear door. SLEAZY CIGARETTE GUY: Hey, wait your turn. As Dawn approaches the door, it suddenly opens and Willow comes out, smiling. WILLOW: Hey Dawnie. It's movie time. DAWN: (angrily) Do you know how long I've been out here? It's too late for the movie. And that guy smells like- Dawn notices that Willow's eyes are completely black. DAWN: (nervous) Are-are you, are you okay? WILLOW: Fine. Let's get outta here. Willow turns to leave. Dawn looks anxious, follows. Cut to the two of them walking down the alley. Willow walks unsteadily, occasionally bumping into Dawn. WILLOW: So, what do you wanna do, cutie? (smiling) DAWN: (sullen) It's late. I just wanna go home. WILLOW: Uch! No way! I said we were gonna have fun, and we're gonna have fun. Shot of the two of them from the back, POV of someone watching and following them. Cut back to the front view. DAWN: (nervous) I'm serious, I think we should just get out of here. WILLOW: (mocking) ' I think we should just get out of here.' (another shot from behind) Come on, Dawnie, it's grownup time, do you wanna play with the grownups or not? Dawn looks upset. Another shot from behind as whatever's following them gets closer. DAWN: Why are you acting this way? WILLOW: Oh, don't get all weird on me, we're fine. Everything's fine. Another shot from behind. Now we see the thing following them, although it's hidden by shadows. It's definitely demon-shaped. It snarls and continues following. Cut to a different street. Buffy and Spike walk along, peering into alleys. BUFFY: Anything? SPIKE: Not yet. I might pick up on it if you stop asking me about every two seconds. BUFFY: Spike, if you're dragging this out... Spike rolls his eyes and stops walking. Buffy walks around in front of him, turns to face him. SPIKE: What, so I can linger near your precious self? Get a grip. BUFFY: Like you've never drawn things out before. SPIKE: Maybe, but we've been through this, haven't we? Things have changed. BUFFY: Will you quit that? The only thing that's different is that I'm disgusted with myself. That's the power of your charms. Last night ... was the most perverse ... degrading experience of my life. SPIKE: (smiles fondly) Yeah. Me too. (resumes walking) BUFFY: (walks alongside him) That might be how you get off, but it's not my style. SPIKE: (scoffs) No, it's your calling. Gave me a run for my money, Slayer. They walk in silence for a moment. SPIKE: Now, I admit it. You've had me by the short hairs. (softly) I love you. (glances at her) You know it. But I got my rocks back. You felt something last night. BUFFY: Not love. SPIKE: Not yet. But I'm in your system now. You're gonna crave me, like I crave blood. And the next time you come crawling, if you don't stop being such a bitch, maybe I will bite you. BUFFY: (stares, stops walking) That, that's it! I want you out of my life! Out of my work, out of my home- SPIKE: Too late for that. You invited me in already. (Buffy scowls) And as for your work, you need me. Like tonight. BUFFY: I'll find Dawn myself. SPIKE: (rolls eyes) You really gonna put your little sis in danger just to spite me? Buffy glares. Cut to Dawn and Willow still walking. Dawn looks extremely nervous. DAWN: Willow. (shot of Willow staggering along) I'm serious. I'm going home. WILLOW: Uch, then go! God, I thought we were gonna hang. DAWN: (alarmed) Well, you're not coming with me? WILLOW: Well, I don't know. (smiling) Maybe I could just, uh, pop you back! DAWN: With magic? (shakes head in disgust) Suddenly Dawn hears a noise. She stops, looking very fearful. DAWN: What's that? WILLOW: What? I didn't- DAWN: Uh ... I'm getting out of here. Dawn begins to walk, very fast. WILLOW: Aw, Dawnie, don't. It was probably a cat or something like that. Dawn turns to look back at Willow, turns back again and the demon steps out in front of her. It's the same demon from Willow's two hallucinations earlier. Dawn moves back, staring in horror. Willow looks alarmed, comes up to her. WILLOW: Oh, it's okay, he's not real. DAWN: (scared) Seems real! Very! Real! DEMON: You summoned me, witch. WILLOW: (nervous, moving back) I, I didn't- DEMON: Did. You raised hell with your magicks. The demon growls, reaches out with a clawed hand and slashes Dawn's cheek. She shrieks. Willow moves in front of her. The demon holds his bloody finger up to his face. DEMON: Fresh. WILLOW: Don't! She has nothing to do with it, it was me! DEMON: Yessss. Dawn cowers behind Willow as the demon approaches. Suddenly Dawn kicks out her foot, catching the demon square in the middle. He flies back into a pile of garbage. Dawn and Willow run off. The demon gets up and runs after them. Cut to another street. Dawn and Willow come running around the corner. DAWN: He's coming! He's too fast! WILLOW: Open! We see a parked car. The doors swing open. WILLOW: Get in! Willow and Dawn jump into the car, Willow in the driver's seat, Dawn in the passenger seat. WILLOW: Close! The doors close. The demon comes running around the corner. WILLOW: Drive! The car starts up and takes off with an extended screech of tires. The demon continues running after the car. Willow sits in the driver's seat laughing. Dawn stares at her in horror. DAWN: What are you doing?! We see Willow moving her hand in front of the steering wheel. The wheel turns in the direction she moves her hand, making the car veer crazily from side to side. Dawn holds onto the sides of the car and screams. The demon continues pursuing. WILLOW: Woo! (laughing) Dawn stares at Willow, terrified. The car zooms down the street and into an alley. Dawn continues screaming. WILLOW: (looking back over her shoulder) Take that, scuz- The car goes into an alley, through an arched entrance, and slams into a concrete pillar. Blackout. [SCENE_BREAK] Act IV [SCENE_BREAK] Open on the same scene. The car sits with its entire front end smashed in, smoke curling up from it. Pan in closer and we can see Dawn still in her seat. No sign of Willow. Dawn lifts her head and groans. DAWN: Oh god. She gets her door open and climbs out, clutching her left arm with an expression of pain. There's blood on her face. She limps slowly around the front of the car, looks over at the car and rushes over to the driver's-side door. We get a quick glimpse of Willow slumped over the steering wheel. The demon appears, leaping down right in front of Dawn. She screams and pushes him away. She drops to the ground and begins crawling underneath the car. The demon crawls over and grabs Dawn's leg. Cut to Buffy and Spike walking along. Sound of Dawn screaming. They both look to their right, exchange a quick look and rush off toward the sound. Cut back to the alley. Dawn screams and kicks as the demon drags her out from under the car. Her fists clutch at the ground. The demon pulls her all the way out and she throws a handful of dirt in his face. He lets her go and rubs at his eyes. Dawn gets up and tries to run away, but he grabs her. Dawn shrieks and hits at him with her fists. The demon backhands her and she flies quite a way down the alley, lands on the ground. She gets up on all fours and tries to crawl toward the stone wall. The demon comes over with one leap and snarls at her. BUFFY: Dawn! Buffy tackles the demon, carrying him away from Dawn. They both roll, get up. Buffy punches him and they both go down again. Lying on the ground, she tries to kick him but he grabs her leg and shoves it away, gets up. Buffy gets up too, kicks the demon. Spike crouches next to Dawn to look at her injuries. Buffy ducks a couple of swings and then punches the demon. He punches her, then she kicks him and uses her leg to sweep his feet out from under him. He goes down. Buffy tries to grab him but he flings her off. She flies a few feet backward, lands in a crouch. She gets up and does a flying kick, then the demon grabs her shoulders but she breaks free and punches him. He punches her in the face, picks her up and throws her at the stone ceiling. She hits the ceiling and falls to the ground, gets up and faces off with the demon again. The demon growls and snarls, but as he advances, he begins to tremble all over. BUFFY: (bemused) *Now* you're scared? (shrugs) Better late than never. Buffy frowns as the demon begins to scream and steam comes off of him. He dissolves into a shower of sparks and smoke. Reveal Willow standing behind where the demon was. Magic sparks still crackle around her fingers. She walks forward and leans heavily against the wall. Her eyes are completely black and there's blood on her face. Buffy stares at her. Willow stands there panting. DAWN: (OS) No, no! BUFFY: Dawn. Buffy rushes over. Dawn still sits on the ground cradling her arm against her stomach, crying, with Spike hovering beside her. BUFFY: What happened? Are you okay? DAWN: (crying) Uh ... He was after Willow, she made the car drive, don't! (Buffy tries to look at her injured arm) No, don't! BUFFY: I need to see, okay, let me see your arm. Buffy murmurs reassuringly and tries to pull Dawn's arm gently away from her body. Willow rushes up. WILLOW: Dawn? Oh god, there's blood. (Dawn crying) BUFFY: (to Spike) Okay, we need to get her to a doctor. WILLOW: Is she okay? Is she okay? Buffy and Spike help Dawn stand up. BUFFY: Back off, Will, I got her. Buffy, Dawn, and Spike begin walking. Willow watches anxiously. WILLOW: No, Dawnie! BUFFY: I mean it, stay away from her! Willow runs around in front of them. WILLOW: (crying) Dawnie! Dawnie, I'm so sorry! (Dawn glaring at her) I'm so sorry, it was an accident! I didn't see, I'm so, so sorry. Beat. Dawn glares angrily at Willow. Then Dawn slaps her across the face. WILLOW: (shocked) Dawnie! Dawnie, don't! The others resume walking as Willow continues to cry and beg. WILLOW: Dawnie, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry... Willow falls to the ground crying hysterically. WILLOW: I'm sorry! I'm sorry... (crying) The others pause. Spike looks at Buffy, gives a slight nod, leads Dawn away. Buffy turns to look at Willow, walks slowly over to her with a stern expression. BUFFY: (harshly) Get up. WILLOW: (crying) I screwed it up, everything, Tara... BUFFY: (grabs Willow's arm, pulls her to her feet) Yeah, you know what, you did screw up, okay? You could have killed her! You almost did! WILLOW: (crying) I know! I know! I can't stop, Buffy! I tried and I can't. BUFFY: You can. WILLOW: (shakes head) I can't! I can't, I ju ... god, I need help. Please! (sobbing) Please help me, please. Willow puts her arms around Buffy and continues crying. WILLOW: Please. Buffy slowly lifts her arms and hugs Willow back. Willow continues crying. Cut to the Summers house. Willow sits on her bed, a blanket wrapped around her, her eyes closed. Zoom in slowly on her. Buffy appears in background, in the doorway, leans against the wall with her arms crossed. Willow opens her eyes, looks over. WILLOW: Is she okay? BUFFY: She's sleeping. The E.R. doc gave her something for the pain, it knocked her out. WILLOW: (anxious) But she's gonna be all right? BUFFY: It's a fracture. You know, it's gonna take some time. WILLOW: (looks away, whispers) God, I'm ... sorry. I'm so... BUFFY: I just don't understand. I don't understand why you'd go to see somebody like Rack, and I certainly don't understand why you'd drag Dawn into it. WILLOW: I don't know. The magic, I ... I thought I had it under control, and then ... I didn't. BUFFY: Because of Tara? WILLOW: No. It started before she left. (pauses) It's why she left. BUFFY: (pauses) Seemed like things were going so well. WILLOW: It was. But I mean ... if you could be ... you know, plain old Willow or super Willow, who would you be? (looks at Buffy) I guess you don't actually have an option on the whole super thing. BUFFY: Will, there's nothing wrong with you. You don't need magic to be special. WILLOW: Don't I? I mean, Buffy, who was I? Just ... some girl. Tara didn't even know that girl. BUFFY: You are more than some girl. (walks into the room) And Tara wants you to stop. She loves you. WILLOW: We don't know that. BUFFY: I know that. I promise you. WILLOW: I just ... it took me away from myself, I was ... free. BUFFY: (looks down, pensive) I get that. More than you- (breaks off) But it's wrong. People get hurt. Buffy goes to sit beside Willow on the bed. WILLOW: If something had happened to Dawn tonight ... something worse... BUFFY: I know. WILLOW: No, I don't think you do. I-I ... I was out of my mind, I ... I did things I can't even... Buffy continues looking pensive. WILLOW: It won't happen again, I promise. No more spells. I'm finished. BUFFY: (frowns) Good. I think it's right. To give it up. (pensive) No matter how good it feels. WILLOW: It's not worth it. Not if it messes with the people I love. Buffy still has her pensive expression, not exactly thinking about Willow's issues. WILLOW: The magic wasn't all great. I won't miss the nosebleeds and the headaches and stuff. BUFFY: There you go. WILLOW: Or ... keeping stinky yak cheese in my bra. (Buffy frowns) Don't ask. BUFFY: Now I don't have to. WILLOW: 'Cause it's over. BUFFY: Exactly. It's over. They both nod and give each other nervous looks, tentative smiles. Then both look away and stop smiling. Cut to later. Willow lies in bed panting and sweaty, staring at the ceiling, one hand clutching her stomach, the other clenched into a fist on the pillow. Cut to Buffy's room. Pan across the windows. On each window several strings of garlic cloves are hanging. Pan down to reveal Buffy sitting on her bed, knees drawn up to her chest, twirling a cross in her hands. There's garlic festooning the bedframe as well. Buffy hugs her knees, looks around nervously. Blackout. In Loving Memory Of J.D. Peralta. Executive Producers: Joss Whedon and Marti Noxon.

Buffy is shaken by her previous meeting with Spike the night before, where they slept together and caused the building around them to collapse. Amy takes Willow to a sorcerer called Rack whose power gets her hooked. However, it ends with devastating consequences.

fd_CSI__Crime_Scene_Investigation_01x20

fd_CSI__Crime_Scene_Investigation_01x20_0

[EXT. VARIOUS LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) -- NIGHT] [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. ROADWAY -- NIGHT] (Women are laughing. A car, Nevada license #OVK 195, drives by. There are two women inside the car.) Charlotte: That club was hot! Lisa: We're just warming up, my girl. (LISA turns the car and CHARLOTTE doesn't recognize where they are.) Charlotte: Wait, wait, wait. I don't think this is the right way. Lisa: (turns to look at CHARLOTTE) It's a shortcut. (She laughs.) Charlotte: A shortcut to where? (The car hits over something.) Charlotte: Stop. Stop the car. Lisa: It was just a pothole. (CHARLOTTE looks back. LISA looks in the mirror.) Charlotte: I think you hit someone. (The tires screech as she stops the car.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. ROADWAY -- NIGHT] (The ambulance drives off. The road has been taped off and OFFICERS and other Emergency Personnel walk around.) (GRISSOM and SARA get out of the vehicle and make their way toward SGT. O'RILEY who fills them in.) Sgt. O'Riley: Blonde behind the wheel. Girlfriend in the passenger seat called it in. Vehicular manslaughter. (GRISSOM looks at the body down on the roadway. WARRICK snaps a photo. SARA leans over to look at what he's photographing. There are three evidence markers on the roadway, #2-#4, marking pieces of a car taillight.) Sara: Taillight? Warrick: Yeah. (GRISSOM shines the flashlight in the plastic bag to show the beer inside.) Grissom: You been drinking, Warrick? Warrick: No. I'm having a block party. I marked it where I found it -- over on the sidewalk over there. (WARRICK points to the side. GRISSOM and SARA both turn to look at the body. They put their kits down.) (GRISSOM lifts the boy's shirt to expose his chest. SARA takes photos of the chest.) Grissom: Two distinct tire treads -- one wide ... one narrow. Sara: Given the extensive bruising from the wide tread mark, victim was killed by a larger vehicle. Not that compact. (GRISSOM takes off his glasses and looks over at SGT. O'RILEY who is walking toward the car with the two girls. He stops and turns around when GRISSOM calls to him.) Grissom: Hey, O'Riley, I wouldn't book those suspects just yet. I think they ran over a corpse. HARD CUT TO END OF TEASER ROLL TITLE CREDITS [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. ROADWAY -- NIGHT] (NICK flashes the siren on and off to get SARA and GRISSOM'S attention. SARA and GRISSOM head toward the car where NICK and CATHERINE are inside.) Sara: What's up? Nick: We got a call about ten minutes ago-- a shooting at Vegas Grounds Coffee Shop, eighth and main. Multiple fatalities. Catherine: We want this one. Grissom: You guys get over there. Keep me in the loop. Keep the media out of it. Catherine: Right. (CATHERINE shifts in her seat and coughs to get GRISSOM'S attention.) Catherine: Hey, remember about three months ago I applied to the American Academy meeting in Chicago? Well, the deadline for your approval is end of shift today. Grissom: It's not a problem. Catherine: There's important papers to be presented ... Grissom: You don't have to explain -- Consider it done. Catherine: Thank you. Grissom: Good luck. (GRISSOM turns to let them leave.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - FORENSIC AUTOPSY -- NIGHT] (DR. ROBBINS goes over his findings with GRISSOM, SARA and WARRICK.) Dr. Albert Robbins: Printed your hit-and-run. AFIS found a match -- Brian Clemonds, 22, born in Vegas, and he's deaf. Sara: You can tell he's deaf by his fingerprints? Dr. Albert Robbins: Actually, yes -- he was printed as part of a state aid program in '81. To confirm, I examined his ear canal. (Quick CGI POV to: Inside the ear to the malleus.) Dr. Albert Robbins: (V.O.) Normally, the malleus is shaped like a hammer -- a long, smooth handle connecting to a blunt head -- but Brian's malleus is knotted, both of them-- birth defect. (The malleus morphs from normal to deformed. End of CGI POV. Resume to present.) Grissom: There's a college for the deaf about a mile from where we found him. Warrick: So, Brian takes a walk crosses the street, doesn't hear the car, gets creamed. Sara: The vehicle -- probably a truck or an SUV, based on the width of the tire tread-- takes off. Later, along comes a compact - thump -- runs over his dead body. Dr. Albert Robbins: Maybe, maybe not. (DR. ROBBINS lifts up the sheet to show them the right hand.) Dr. Albert Robbins: See the dried blood on his knuckles? No associated wounding. Blood's probably not his. Warrick: You know what that means -- smackdown -- the kid was in a fight. Sara: That ended in murder. Grissom: Did you send a sample of his blood to DNA? Dr. Albert Robbins: When you find the suspect you'll nail him with his own body fluid. Grissom: Has his family been notified? Dr. Albert Robbins: Not yet. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. VEGAS GROUNDS COFFEE SHOP -- NIGHT] (The ambulance drives away. CATHERINE and NICK walks up the sidewalk to the coffee shop.) Nick: One person dead, it's a shame; more than one's a party. Catherine: Get ready to pull a double. Nick: Thank you. (CATHERINE and NICK sign in with the OFFICER near the door. They walk into the crime scene and look around.) (NICK heads for one of the bodies. He notices the CD player and picks up the earphones to listen.) Nick: Speed metal. Couldn't hear a bomb go off over this. (BRASS walks up to them.) Brass: Welcome to the caffeine wars. I got four dead, one on the way to the hospital. The kid who belonged to those headphones. Catherine: I count two -- where are the others? Brass: One behind the counter. One in the back room. Nick: Guy wasn't light with the ammo. This place is raining shell casings. (CATHERINE walks up to one of the bodies and recognizes him.) Catherine: Hey, I know this guy. Brass: I bet you do. Who doesn't know Frankie Flynn? Used to own the Orpheus. Lost his gaming license a couple of years ago. Catherine: Oh, yeah. Too many dips in the chips. Brass: Yeah, you got that r Nick: Who's the muscle? Brass: This is Al Robson -- Frankie Flynn's bodyguard. Nick: Cash taken? Brass: Till's full, and all the wallets are accounted for. I don't think anyone was interested in the, uh, cash ... or the coffee. (NICK and CATHERINE both head for the back of the counter.) Nick: You're thinking hit? (BRASS looks around.) Brass: Maybe. Frankie drives a bulletproof car. What does that tell you? (CATHERINE sees the dead girl behind the counter and closes her eyes for a moment. She sighs.) Nick: She's probably still in high school. (CATHERINE turns and heads for the back of the shop. She pushes the door open. She and NICK both see the other girl dead at the back of the room. NICK groans at the sight.) (CATHERINE closes her eyes. NICK walks past CATHERINE to check on the body.) Nick: Bless her heart. (He kneels down. BRASS walks into the back.) Catherine: Assuming Flynn was the target, and it was a hit the shooter followed Flynn ... (Quick flashback to: [SHOOTER'S POV] of FRANKIE FLYNN and AL ROBSON as they walk into the coffee shop.) Catherine: (V.O.) ... in the front door ... shot the muscle first ... (The SHOOTER raises his gun and points at AL ROBSON first. ROBSON reaches for his gun, but the SHOOTER fires. ROBSON goes down.) Catherine: (V.O.) ... then Flynn ... (The SHOOTER turns and fires at FLYNN.) (Cut to: The BOY with the ear phones on senses someone approach him from behind. He turns.) Catherine: (V.O.) ... and some poor kid minding his own business. (He stands and the SHOOTER fires.) (End of flashback. Resume to present.) Catherine: The girls were last. (Quick flashback to: THE SHOOTER walks around the counter to the first girl hiding behind the counter. He fires.) (The final girl hears the gunfire and tries to run out through the back.) Catherine: (V.O.) ... four dead. One is still alive. (End of flashback. Resume to present.) (BRASS' beeper goes off. He checks it and reads the message.) Brass: Make that five. Guy died on the way to the hospital. (CATHERINE turns around to look at BRASS.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. /INT. CLEMONDS RESIDENCE -- NIGHT] (GRISSOM and an OFFICER walk up to the door. GRISSOM rings the door bell. The light goes on inside.) (The porch light goes on outside and the door opens.) Grissom: Mrs. Clemonds? Mrs. Clemonds: Yes? Grissom: My name is Gil Grissom. I'm with the Las Vegas Crime Lab. (He holds up his ID for her to look at.) Mrs. Clemonds: Crime lab? Grissom: May I come in for a minute? Mrs. Clemonds: Okay. (She steps aside and GRISSOM walks into the house. The officer waits outside. She closes the door. GRISSOM steps inside and looks around. He notices the bell near the floorboards.) Mrs. Clemonds: My son is deaf. That bell is connected to the doorbell. Grissom: The bell sets off vibrations which reverberate on the floorboards so that he knows someone's at the door. Mrs. Clemonds: Yes. Grissom: Mrs. Clemonds, I'm here about your son Brian. There's no easy way to say this. (She starts to cry.) Mrs. Clemonds: Oh, god, please, no. Grissom: Brian was killed tonight. Mrs. Clemonds: No, no, no. (She slowly sits down on the couch, crying.) Mrs. Clemonds: This is my fault. Grissom: No. No, it's not. Mrs. Clemonds: When I was pregnant, I had the German measles and the virus took away his hearing. It's my fault. Grissom: No, Mrs. Clemonds... we think he might have been murdered. Mrs. Clemonds: (shakes her head) Murdered? Grissom: Would you like to talk to a Family Services Counselor? Mrs. Clemonds: (she laughs weakly) Talking is overrated, Mr. Grissom. Just find out who did this to my boy. Please. (He nods slightly.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - FORENSIC AUTOPSY -- NIGHT] (DAVID PHILLIPS assists while DR. ROBBINS goes over the bodies with CATHEIRNE.) Dr. Albert Robbins: It's been a hell of a night. First the deaf kid, now a hit. It's going to take a while to process all the bodies. Catherine: What do you know about Flynn? Dr. Albert Robbins: I always start with the celebrities. Frankie Flynn, 38 gunshot wounds to the head and the abdomen. Catherine: Any bullets recovered? Dr. Albert Robbins: Only one -- out of the head -- nine-millimeter .357. I deal with the pin cushions. Ballistics deals with the pins. Shooter could have saved himself a lot of trouble if he'd waited a month or two. Catherine: Why? Dr. Albert Robbins: Invasive colon cancer. On his way out. Catherine: Guess he got off easy. Dr. Albert Robbins: Hmmm. (CATHERINE turns to the next body.) Catherine: I.D.? David Phillips: Erin McCarty, 20. Dr. Albert Robbins: Wonder if she even knew she was pregnant. Catherine: Just keeps getting better. Someone notify the husband? David Phillips: Cop said she's single -- she lives at home with her mother. Catherine: How far along was she? David Phillips: About six weeks. Catherine: She knew. (She shakes her head.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. VEGAS GROUNDS COFFEE SHOP -- NIGHT] (NICK takes a picture of evidence markers #3 and #4. He reaches down to get a swab of the blood on the floor. NICK puts the swab in the box and closes it.) (Cut to: NICK takes out a bullet casing from the wall. The marker on the wall reads: NS-12.) Nick: Another nine-millimeter, just like our casings. Brass: Yeah. Nine bullets, all the same caliber. Looks like Robson never got a shot off. I wouldn't want him as my bodyguard. (CATHERINE walks in.) Catherine: Need help with the measurements? Brass: Sure. (OFFICER METCALF walks in.) Officer Metcalf: Captain, I got the manager outside. (BRASS walks out to meet with the MANAGER.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. VEGAS GROUND COFFEE SHOP - NIGHT -- CONTINUOUS] (OFFICER METCALF points out the MANAGER to BRASS.) Brass: Okay. Officer: That's the guy right there. Brass: This one? Officer: Yep. That's the one. (BRASS clears his throat to get the MANAGER'S attention. CATHERINE and NICK follow.) Brass: I'm Detective Brass. Catherine Willows. Nick Stokes from the crime lab. Brad Kendall: Brad Kendall. I heard it on the news. They're saying it was some kind of a hit. Where are Erin and Alice? Brass: They didn't make it. (BRAD KENDALL sighs.) Brad Kendall: Did you call their parents? Nick: Once the coroner makes a positive I.D. Their families will be notified. Catherine: Shooting occurred around closing time. Is it customary for your employees to close up? Brad Kendall: (upset) Erin locked up twice a week -- 10:00 on the nose. She was training Alice - moving on at the end of the month. I can't believe they're gone. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. GILBERT COLLEGE OF THE DEAF - DAY] [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. GILBERT COLLEGE OF THE DEAF - DR. GILBERT'S OFFICE -- DAY] (SARA and WARRICK try to talk with DR. GILBERT with the use of an interpreter. Neither SARA nor WARRICK have much experience in this area and don't fare very well.) Sara: (loudly) Dr. Gilbert ... (SARA turns around to look at the interpreter who stands behind them.) Sara: (looking at the interpreter) We need your help. Brian Clemonds was murdered. (DR. GILBERT can't see what SARA'S saying.) Warrick: Was he having any difficulties? (WARRICK turns around to look at the interpreter "talk" to DR. GILBERT.) (SARA turns to look at the interpreter.) Sara: Anyone have a grudge against him? (DR. GILBERT watches them, then shakes her head. SARA misinterprets the motion and then continues her questioning, but she's again looking at the interpreter.) Sara: We understand you don't want a homicide investigation upsetting your students. Jane Gilbert: I'm severely deaf, and I can communicate fine. I'd appreciate it if you'd look at me when you speak to me. I wear a hearing aid and I can read lips. You could have asked if I needed an interpreter. Sara: I'm sorry. I didn't mean to offend you. Jane Gilbert: There are 152 students at my school. We live together, we study together, we eat together. We're a family. And Brian is dead. Warrick: Dr. Gilbert, we're just following protocol. We need to speak with Brian's friends; his roommates. Sara: We'll also need access to his records. Jane Gilbert: The crime didn't happen here -- it happened out there. Sara: I'm not accusing anybody of anything. Jane Gilbert: Neither am I, but there are more of you, right? Send someone else - someone with more understanding of this school of my students. Warrick: But we're here now, and evidence is time-sensitive. Jane Gilbert: How can you solve a crime without understanding the victim? (Frustrated, DR. GILBERT signs to the interpreter. SARA turns to look back at HALLEY.) Halley: Um ... she's kicking us out. (WARRICK and SARA both leave the office.) (HALLEY looks at DR. GILBERT and apologizes to her.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - PARKING LOT -- DAY] (SARA and WARRICK drive in to the parking lot and park the car. GRISSOM is just getting out of his car.) Warrick: Hey. Grissom: How'd it go at the college? Sara: They're not cooperating. Warrick: Yeah, we didn't have a warrant, so she kicked us out. Grissom: What did you do? Sara: What did we do? We met with the president, asked a few questions. Warrick: She was kind of hostile. Sara: Like it's our fault we can hear. Grissom: All right. Let's go. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. GILBERT COLLEGE OF THE DEAF -- DAY] (Back at the college, GRISSOM, WARRICK and SARA make their way across campus.) [INT. DR. GILBERT'S OFFICE - DAY] (GRISSOM walks into the office.) Grissom: Dr. Gilbert? I'm Gil Grissom, with the Crime lab. You kicked my people out of your office. Jane Gilbert: Well, I'm kicking you out, too. (She stands up and indicates the door.) (GRISSOM stops her and signs as he speaks.) Grissom: (speaks & signs) Look, your student is dead. Don't you want to know who's responsible? I do. (SARA and WARRICK turn to look at each other, surprised to learn this new aspect of GRISSOM.) Jane Gilbert: Your people can't solve this crime. Grissom: (speaks & signs) Why? 'Cause they don't understand the victim? Help them understand. Jane Gilbert: When a deaf person meets a hearing person the hearing person so much as says, "I'm normal, you're not." Grissom: (speaks & signs) Is that what you think I'm saying? A student is dead. Maybe you feel responsible. Maybe you're angry. But don't be angry with us. We want to help you. Jane Gilbert: If I agree to cooperate you will include me in your investigation? Grissom: Yes, I will. I welcome your involvement. Now, may I see Brian Clemonds' file? Please? [SCENE_BREAK] [FILE ROOM] (GRISSOM looks through the file.) Jane Gilbert: I did nothing wrong. Grissom: Brian filed six complaints against his roommate -- Paul Arrington. Jane Gilbert: Paul lost his hearing less than a year ago-- a tumor. He hasn't adjusted. He's angry. Grissom: And he took it out on Brian. Assaulted him. Brian requested a new roommate. Request denied? Jane Gilbert: There were no other available beds. Grissom: I want to speak to Paul. Jane Gilbert: He doesn't read lips or sign. Grissom: (speaks & signs) You don't need to hear or speak to communicate. Or ... commit murder. [SCENE_BREAK] (COMERCIAL SET) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. HALLWAY -- DAY] (GRISSOM, SARA and WARRICK wait to see PAUL ARRINGTON.) Sara: So, you going to tell us how you learned to sign? Grissom: No. (SARA looks at WARRICK. He doesn't say anything.) Sara: Well, the president of the college is a real whack job. Grissom: Sara, you see deafness as a pathology. For Dr. Gilbert, her deafness is not her handicap -- it's her way of life. Sara: You know, I think you might be siding with her. Grissom: As long as you see this as us versus them, you're going to have problems on this case. (WARRICK turns and sees DR. GILBERT and PAUL ARRINGTON walk down the hallway toward them.) Warrick: The roommate's here. (GRISSOM goes to meet them.) (SARA turns to look at WARRICK.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - INTERVIEW ROOM -- DAY] (GRISSOM hands a sheet of paper to DR. GILBERT.) Grissom: This explains what we're doing. [OBSERVATION ROOM] (WARRICK and SARA walk in to the observation room to watch.) Grissom: (through speakers) I need for Paul to read it. Sara: What was that all about? Grissom signs. (SARA shuts the door.) Warrick: Do you know what Grissom drinks when he goes out at night? Sara: He goes out? Warrick: Exactly. Who knows anything about that guy? Hey, check that out. (They watch as GRISSOM puts a head band on PAUL ARRINGTON'S head.) Sara: Oh, I've read about this machine. Very Frankenstein. Warrick: Brain printing. They call it a visual polygraph. Sara: You've used one of these before? Warrick: Yeah, back in '97 Grissom and I used one to interview this rapist. The guy was mute but his brain waves spoke loud and clear. Sara: So, you show the suspect slides of the crime scene and if he's our guy ... Warrick: ... then the oscillator will give him away. [INTERVIEW ROOM] (GRISSOM sets the machine up and starts with the first slide. It's of DR. GILBERT.) (GRISSOM looks at the monitor.) Grissom: Good. He recollects you. (DR. GILBERT nods. The next slide goes up of the "LIBRARY AND LEARNING RESOURCE CENTER".) Grissom: He recollects the college. (The third slide of BRIAN CLEMONDS goes up on the screen.) Grissom: He recollects Brian. (The next slide is of the crime scene where BRIAN is on the roadway.) Grissom: This is a shot of the crime scene. (GRISSOM looks at the monitor.) Grissom: No recollection. (The next slide goes up. It's a close up of BRIAN on the ground, dead. DR. GILBERT is mortified by the picture. PAUL tries not to show it, but he's upset by the picture. DR. GILBERT watches PAUL carefully and sees it. GRISSOM watches the monitor.) (She reaches out and rubs his shoulder in comfort.) Grissom: No recollection of the crime scene or of Brian under these conditions. Jane Gilbert: May we go now? (GRISSOM notices that the pictures are upsetting to them. He turns the monitor off. He removes the head band from PAUL.) (GRISSOM leans over the table and writes something on the pad in front of PAUL. When he's done, he pushes the pad in front of PAUL so he can see it: I'm sorry Paul.) (GRISSOM steps back. PAUL looks at the message, shakes his head, then pushes the pad away.) (In the observation room, SARA and WARRICK watch as they all head for the door. Before she leaves, DR. GILBERT turns to GRISSOM.) Jane Gilbert: If you want to find the killer look outside the school. (DR. GILBERT leaves the room.) (After a moment, GRISSOM turns to look at the observation room.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - GRISSOM'S OFFICE -- DAY] (The clock reads 5:17. Although the second hands moves, we hear nothing. GRISSOM stares at the clock. The camera swings down to show that GRISSOM is tapping the tip of his pen down on the table. Again, we hear nothing.) (The camera moves over to the tank where GRISSOM keeps his pet spider. He looks down at the spider. We hear nothing.) (CATHERINE walks into the room. GRISSOM doesn't notice her.) Catherine: (no audio) Grissom! (GRISSOM doesn't look up. CATHERINE takes a step closer to his desk.) Catherine: (no audio) Grissom! (Again, GRISSOM doesn't turn around. CATHERINE starts to look worried at his non-response.) (Finally she yells.) Catherine: (muffled) Grissom! (He starts and turns around.) (GRISSOM sees CATHERINE and takes out the ear plugs.) (Immediately, the usual sounds of the office bustle is heard. He places the ear plugs on the table.) Grissom: Sorry. I was thinking. Catherine: About what it's like to be deaf? Grissom: About what it's like to hear. Catherine: Sara told me that you spoke in sign and now you're putting plugs in your ears. Grissom: I'm on a case. Catherine: Mm-hmm. Is that why you forgot about the conference? Grissom: (confused) The what? Catherine: You missed the deadline. No Chicago for me. Grissom: (remembers) Oh, Catherine ... Catherine: This is the one meeting I needed to attend. I don't always want to be second banana. I can probably do your job. I know that I can do Ecklie's. Grissom: I forgot. I'm so sorry. (CATHERINE looks at GRISSOM.) Catherine: Make sure to submit the paperwork by the end of the day. Grissom: I thought you said that it was too late. Catherine: Well, I knew you'd forget so I upped the deadline -- gave you a buffer. Don't forget again. (CATHERINE leaves the office.) (GRISSOM sighs, then looks for the paperwork on his desk to get it done.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - LAB -- DAY] (SARA runs the tire treads from the body through the database looking for a match. WARRICK walks into the room carrying an evidence box. He puts the box down.) Warrick: Those the tire treads from the crime scene? Sara: (nods) I photo'ed the victim's torso and imaged the tread mark-- scanned it -- got it running through a tread assistance CD ROM. Warrick: Any hits? Sara: Not yet. CD database-- 11,033 patterns. (WARRICK exhales at the number as he takes out a shirt.) Sara: Could take a while. Warrick: Yeah. Sara: What are you doing? Warrick: Checking out the dead guy's clothes. (WARRICK looks at the clothes and finds something unusual.) Warrick: Whoa. What are these? (Camera zooms in for an extreme close up of some bugs on the shirt.) (Curious by his reaction, SARA walks over to take a look. She leans in close.) Sara: What? Warrick: They look like lice. (SARA straightens up and tucks her hair back.) Sara: Lice? Warrick: Wasn't our dead guy clean? Sara: Yeah, he was. Lice adhere to hair follicles. I didn't find any stray hairs on him. Warrick: Well, he was in a fight, right? Maybe his attacker had lice and they crawled off on his sweater and they got comfy and the stray hair blew away. (GRISSOM walks by the doorway. He sees them inside and stops.) Grissom: (to SARA) Hey. Any luck on the tire treads? Sara: Computer's still processing but Warrick found something pretty interesting. (GRISSOM steps into the lab.) Warrick: You know anything about lice? Grissom: Yeah. They make your head itch. And, after head colds the most common medical problem affecting children. Warrick: Little problem no one talks about, huh? (GREG rushes into the lab for GRISSOM.) Greg Sanders: Hey, Grissom, can I see you a second, Stat. (He looks up and sees SARA. GREG waves to her. SARA smiles back. GREG leaves the lab.) (GRISSOM turns around and tells SARA.) Grissom: Stay on the tire treads. (SARA nods.) Warrick? (GRISSOM leaves the lab. WARRICK rushes to get a sample of the lice.) Warrick: Yeah. Right behind you. (SARA looks at the evidence package on the table. She reads the label, then opens it up. She pours its contents out onto the table. The three pieces of tail light fall onto the table.) (She takes the flashlight and looks at the numbers, SAE(2)AIP2 ... ) Sara: A few more numbers and this could have been cake. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - BRASS' OFFICE] (BRASS holds up the LAS VEGAS CHRONICLE with the headline: "IT'S A HIT, FRANKIE FLYNN MURDERED!") Brass: Guess who used to sign Brad Kendall's paychecks six years ago? Catherine: Frankie Flynn. Brass: Oh, yeah. (CATHERINE grabs the paper just as BRAD KENDALL turns and walks into the office.) Brass: Hey, Brad, thanks for coming in. We just got a few more questions. (CATHERINE sits down. The door closes behind him.) Brad Kendall: Sure. Brass: So you used to work for Frankie Flynn? Brad Kendall: Yeah. At the Orpheus. I was a waiter in the coffee shop. He came in all the time. Brass: Sit down. Sit down. (BRAD KENDALL sits down.) Brass: Did you see him outside the coffee shop? Brad Kendall: (sighs) Once in a while. He owned the place. He was everywhere. Catherine: Why don't you tell us about your CCW permit. Brad Kendall: I made cash deposits. I carry a concealed weapon. Catherine: What kind? Brad Kendall: Glock, nine millimeter. Brass: We'll need to see the weapon and any spare ammo. Brad Kendall: Yeah, of course, I'll bring it in. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - DNA LAB] (GRISSOM and WARRICK follow GREG who walks through the hallway, then stops and turns around to look at them.) Greg Sanders: I am the man. Warrick: Why? What did you do? Let me guess. You ran a DNA profile on the blood from the dead guy's knuckles and you got a match. Greg Sanders: No. Grissom: You ran a DNA profile and something very distinctive popped up? Greg Sanders: Not quite. Warrick: You made it out of bed and you dressed yourself? Greg Sanders: No. Grissom: What is it, Greg? (GREG turns around and points to the scope. GRISSOM puts his things down and looks.) Greg Sanders: Just put your nose down the scope. [SCOPE VIEW] Grissom: Dots of blue light on a red sea. Greg Sanders: Pyoverdin. Grissom: Pyoverdin. A pigment excreted from pseudomonas aeruginosa which is a bacteria occasionally found in the bloodstream. Warrick: So what does that give us? Greg Sanders: Your killer has fluorescent blue dots in his blood. Warrick: So the guy's a glow-stick. How does that help us track him down? Greg Sanders: (laughs) Haven't I done enough for one day? (SARA walks into the lab.) Sara: We have a lead -- I found a partial serial number on the broken taillight. Grissom: I saw it. It's missing six digits. It's useless. Sara: Maybe on its own but the tire tread database kicked out a match. The tire belongs to a ford explorer. A p235-75, manufactured specifically for their SUVs. Only one with the same partial serial number is registered in Vegas. Grissom: What do you call a guy with blue-dotted blood, lice and keys to a ford explorer? (SARA smiles.) Warrick: A suspect? (GRISSOM turns to look at WARRICK.) Grissom: A killer. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - PARKING LOT -- DAY] (GRISSOM waits outside as JANE GILBERT'S car (Nevada License #213 OAT) stops and she exits the vehicle. He holds the car door open for her.) Jane Gilbert: You found the car that ran over Brian? Grissom: Yes. (He closes the car door and they head for the building.) Grissom: The SUV's registered to Adam Walkey. He's 18 years old; no prior complaints. We're processing it now. I promised to keep you informed. Jane Gilbert: (smiling) You kept your word. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - GARAGE -- DAY] [SCOPE VIEW of the lice] (WARRICK looks a the lice on the driver's seat.) Warrick: Hmm. (SARA stands on the passenger side shining her flashlight into the car at WARRICK.) Sara: Lice? Warrick: Creepy critters in the driver's seat. (SARA looks up and sees GRISSOM walking in to the garage with JANE GILBERT.) Sara: So ... that's why Grissom's late. Warrick: You just don't like other women in his life. Sara: I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that. Warrick: Affirmative on the head lice. Sara: Taillights match. Grissom: We have a suspect. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - LAB -- DAY] (ADAM WALKEY and his LAWYER RANDY PAINTER are in the lab with GRISSOM and SGT. O'RILEY.) Randy Painter: I'm advising Adam to invoke his fifth amendment rights. Sgt. O'Riley: No charges have been filed and I haven't asked a question. Randy Painter: Go ahead and ask. He won't answer. Grissom: Well, that's why I suggested we meet here. I don't need him to talk. I just want his blood. Randy Painter: Well, for that, you're going to need a warrant. (GRISSOM turns to look at SGT. O'RILEY who takes out a sheet of paper from his jacket pocket. He hands it to RANDY PAINTER who takes a moment to read it.) Randy Painter: This warrant is for blood ... (He looks up confused.) Randy Painter: ... and a scalp search. (GRISSOM holds up a lice comb.) Grissom: It's a licemeister. (and smiles) We're going to comb your hair. (RANDY PAINTER and ADAM WALKEY look at each other.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - BALLISTICS LAB - DAY] (CATHERINE turns the corner and walks into the lab where NICK is already there looking through a scope.) Catherine: Talk to me. Nick: Good news, bad news. Same caliber, different gun. (CATHERINE looks over at BOBBY DAWSON standing inside the lab.) Catherine: Bobby? Bobby Dawson: Striations don't match. (BOBBY points the monitor.) Bobby Dawson: The gun that killed those five people at the coffee house isn't your store manager's. The good news is -- all of the nine millimeter bullets fired at the scene ... from the same gun. (Quick CGI POV: Camera moves down and inside the barrel of a gun. The gun fires and the bullet exits the barrel. End of CGI POV. Resume to present.) Bobby Dawson: You're looking for only one guy. Catherine: Well, what about the breach-face marks on the casings? Bobby Dawson: (shakes his head) Indeterminate. Catherine: Hmm. (CATHERINE turns to look at NICK and she sees BRASS walk toward them into the room.) Catherine: Well, well ... looks like you got zip. Brass: I got a ton of people out interviewing every two-bit stiff that ever had a beef against Flynn. They're all doing the smart thing -- keeping their mouth shut. Catherine: So we have no statements or physical evidence indicating it was a hit on Flynn. Nick: What we have is five dead bodies. Catherine: Yeah ... why? Brass: You know something I don't know? Catherine: Not yet. (BRASS looks past CATHERINE toward NICK. CATHERINE turns around to look at NICK.) Catherine: Nick? Nick: (shrugs) Smoke and mirrors. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) - NIGHT] [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. VEGAS GROUNDS COFFEE HOUSE - NIGHT] (NICK and CATHERINE are back inside the Coffee Shop.) Nick: If it was a hit, the guy came to the front door took out Al and Frankie, and got the witnesses. Bullets will confirm it. Shooter was standing here when he shot Al ... (NICK uses the red laser light to point it toward the "X" on the cardboard cut out representing "AL".) Nick: ... bamm. Once in the chest. This is Flynn. (NICK moves over to the next light set up on a tripod and turns it on toward the wall where they found the bullet.) Nick: One miss ... (He moves to the next light on the tripod and turns it on so the light hits the cardboard cut out representing "FLYNN".) Nick: ... One hit ... one through and through. (The next light goes on and is pointed through the hole in the cardboard cut out.) (CATHERINE moves to the other lights set up.) Catherine: Headphones. (She turns on the lights pointing them at the witness with the headphones who was killed.) Catherine: Ricochet. Through and through. (NICK walks around the room looking at the ray of lights. CATHERINE walks up close to the cardboard cut out of the witness. She stops and thinks about it.) (Camera cuts to a slow pan around the room at the various cardboard cut outs and lights indicating the shots fired. It stops on the laptop monitor of the room layout.) (Cut to: NICK and CATHERINE work on the computer laptop.) Nick: Each victim gets a different color. Blue beams are isolated. The kid with the cd player was alone. (Quick flashback to: The night of the shooting, the kid with the CD player has his back to the action. The camera moves slowly toward him and he turns around. End of flashback. Resume to present.) Catherine: Flynn was closest to the door. (Quick flashback to: The night of the shooting. FLYNN and AL ROBSON walk into the coffee shop and up to the counter. End of flashback. Resume to present.) Nick: Shooter was positioned between Flynn and the front door. Flynn eats it ... ? Nah. Nick: I would have taken out big Al ... bodyguard first. Catherine: Me, too. Nick: Ident found both of the bodyguards' paws on the counter. (NICK walks up to the counter and puts both his hands down flat on the countertop.) (Quick flashback to: The night of the shooting. AL ROBSON and FLYNN walk into the coffee shop. ROBSON walks up to the counter and puts both hands flat on top. End of flashback. Resume to present.) (NICK looks up at CATHERINE who's behind the counter.) Catherine: What if the shooter was here when he shot big Al? Nick: Big Al would already be dead. It doesn't make any sense. Catherine: If the shooter walked through the front door. Nick: What if he came through the back? (CATHERINE turns around and heads for the back.) (Cut to: CATHERINE opens the door. She and NICK walk inside. CATHERINE walks in toward the cardboard cut out that represents ERIN.) Catherine: Erin McCarty-- the employee who was supposed to close up. Nick: Yeah. Yeah. Shot twice in the back while headed for the rear exit. (CATHERINE and NICK start looking around the area.) (CATHERINE searches the shelves, then notices something behind the keys hanging on the hooks on the side of the shelves. It appears to be a small dent.) Catherine: If she was headed towards the parking lot, how do you explain this ricochet? Nick: What? (NICK walks over to see what CATHERINE'S found. He looks at the small dent in the shelf and thinks.) Nick: Like this. (NICK turns off the back room light and heads for the light on the tripod. CATHERINE gets the small mirror and puts it on the shelf to reflect the light. Together, they work to find the missing bullet.) (NICK moves the light until it hits the mirror. CATHERINE moves the mirror to show where the bullet could've possibly gone. The light winds up on a bag of 100% COLUMBIAN.) (NICK checks the bag.. He picks it up and opens it. He pours the beans out and finds the missing bullet. He looks back at CATHERINE and smiles.) Nick: I love this job. Catherine: The ricochet went out into the store. (thinking) There's no hole in the door. There's no hole in the door 'cause the door had to have been open. Nick: Assuming Erin was running for her life the shooter follows her in the back room shoots her twice -- he would have been shooting toward the parking lot. Catherine: He shot toward the parking lot first and then toward the front of the store. Nick: He'd only shoot toward the front if there's somebody there. Catherine: So who was in the line of fire? What if we have it backwards? What if ... the shooting began back here ... with Erin? Nick: Yeah, and somebody else saw. Frankie Flynn was an innocent bystander. Wrong place, wrong time. Catherine: The target was Erin ... the pregnant girl and the rest was damage control. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - HALLWAY / DNA LAB -- NIGHT] (WARRICK, SARA and GRISSOM walk through the hallway.) Warrick: Adam Walkey doesn't have lice? Grissom: Not even lice eggs. SARA; Maybe he got rid of them since the other night. Grissom: Delousing agents take time to kick in. There would have been evidence of the infestation. (They walk into the DNA LAB where GREG is waiting for them.) Greg Sanders: Hey... got good news. Walkey's blood sample ... Grissom: Pseudomonas aeruginosa? Greg Sanders: Fluorescent blue. (GRISSOM leans in to look through the scope.) [SCOPE VIEW] Warrick: Same as the blood we found on Brian's knuckle. Grissom: Greg, start a DNA comparison. This gives us enough to hold Walkey. (GRISSOM walks out of the lab. WARRICK and SARA follow.) Warrick: It's just like Dr. Gilbert said ... the killer came from out here. Grissom: Dr. Gilbert can afford her personal bias. We can't. (GRISSOM stops and turns around to look at them.) Grissom: And we need a lot more than day-glo bacteria to get a conviction. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - HALLWAY] (NICK and CATHERINE walk through the hallway on their way to forensic pathology.) Nick: You really think Erin knew she was pregnant? I mean, six weeks? Catherine: Twenty-year-old girl, living at home? She would have taken a test if she was five seconds late -- panic city. Nick: Yeah. Brass talked to her parents. There was no guy in her life. Catherine: Well, it's not immaculate conception. If the guy was Mr. Right she would have told her folks. Which means he was Mr. Wrong. Maybe Mr. Married. [INT. CSI - FORENSIC PATHOLOGY - CONTINUOUS] (NICK and CATHERINE walk into pathology. DR. ROBBINS looks up from the counter he's working at.) Dr. Albert Robbins: Back for more? Catherine: You still have the pregnant girl? Dr. Albert Robbins: Mortuary is going to pick her up later this afternoon. Nick: Stall them. We want a paternity test. Dr. Albert Robbins: At six weeks? Catherine: Six weeks with half of someone else's DNA in her body. (NICK turns and opens the door for CATHERINE.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - GARAGE -- DAY] (SARA and WARRICK check under ADAM WALKEY'S SUV. They look around. SARA sees something, a tear in the muffler. There's a piece of cloth caught in the tear.) Sara: Check this out. (SARA reaches up and takes the sample.) Sara: This fabric matches the victim's sweater. Warrick: That's the muffler. And this is the back of the car. Sara: And the taillight was smashed. Warrick: There's no way this car was moving forward when it ran over Brian Clemonds' body. Sara: Who drives backwards on a downtown street? [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - BREAK ROOM -- DAY] (SGT. O'RILEY and GRISSOM interview ADAM WALKEY and RANDY PAINTER.) Sgt. O'Riley: First degree murder. That's how we see it. (RANDY PAINTER looks at ADAM WALKEY and nods.) Randy Painter: It's okay. (to O'RILEY) In that case, my client is now prepared to make a statement. Tell him, Adam. Adam Walkey: I may have hit the guy. Sgt. O'Riley: That's some statement. Adam Walkey: Okay. I remember hitting something. It was dark. I-I just kept driving. Didn't look back. Grissom: Adam ... we found lice in the driver's seat of your vehicle but your scalp was clean. Was there anyone else there? A witness who might support your account? (ADAM WALKEY turns to look at RANDY PAINTER who clears his throat and nods.) Adam Walkey: (sighs) Yeah, someone was with me. Mark. Mark Rucker. He can confirm everything I told you. (In the hallway, JANE GILBERT walk past the glass walls and heads toward the door. She angrily walks into the break room.) Jane Gilbert: I want to see him. (GRISSOM looks up.) Jane Gilbert: Is that the coward who killed Brian? (ADAM WALKEY looks up. DR. GILBERT speaks and signs as she walks slowly toward ADAM WALKEY.) Jane Gilbert: (upset) What happened? He scare you? Talk a little funny? Make a lot of noises? Screamed? Or maybe he just looked at you the wrong way? Adam Gilbert: Get away from me! (GRISSOM appears next to DR. GILBERT.) Jane Gilbert: (speaks & signs) You make me sick. (GRISSOM takes DR. GILBERT out into the hallway.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - HALLWAY - DAY -- CONTINUOUS] (DR. GILBERT storms out of the hallway with GRISSOM behind her. She stops and turns around.) Jane Gilbert: (accusing) You said you'd include me. Grissom: You offered to help with my investigation and now you're compromising it. Jane Gilbert: You found the killer. Grissom: (speaks and signs) Who says it was a hit-and-run. Not murder. He has a witness. Jane Gilbert: Who will lie for him. Grissom: The witness can say whatever he wants. The important thing is that Adam Walkey was not alone when he killed Brian. (The anger leaves DR. GILBERT as she realizes what GRISSOM is saying.) Grissom: Until now, I did not know who was with him. Jane Gilbert: And now you do. Grissom: His witness is our other suspect. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - BALLISTICS LAB] (NICK walks into the lab toward BOBBY DAWSON.) Nick: 911 page? (BOBBY DAWSON looks up.) Nick: What's up? Bobby Dawson: Right gun, wrong barrel. Nick: Son of a bitch swapped the gun barrel out. Bobby Dawson: Check this out. (BOBBY puts in the barrel and shows it to NICK. Camera zooms in for a close up to show the dent.) Nick: Could be an incomplete tool mark. Maybe the guy dropped his gun. Either way, we still don't have the barrel. Bobby Dawson: This is true. Nick: But we've got Kendall's ammo. What about bullet batching? Bobby Dawson: Match the bunter marks? Nick: Every casing's got two pieces of information on it: Manufacturer and caliber. Bobby Dawson: Etched in by an electrodischarge machine. (Quick CGI POV of: The etching on the bottom of the casing. End of CGI POV. Resume to present.) Bobby Dawson: Every casing from a given batch of ammo has the same markings. Nick: So if you compared the casings we collected at the crime scene with the casings from Brad Kendall's gun... Bobby Dawson: ... on a microscopic level, we should find similar characteristics ... Nick: Which would link Brad's ammo to the crime even though we can't link his gun. Bobby Dawson: Not as airtight as matching the barrel. Nick: But still enough to build a case. Bobby Dawson: What about motive? Nick: Well, Catherine's working on a hunch. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - BRASS' OFFICE -- DAY] (BRASS and CATHERINE question BRAD KENDALL.) Brad Kendall: Me? The father? No way. I'm married. I don't fool around. Brass: Would you like us to explain the mechanics of s*x in the workplace? Catherine: You're the manager. Erin was the employee. Brass: You had the power. Happens all the time. Brad Kendall: You got it all wrong. Catherine: Maybe we do-- we all make mistakes-- but, just to be sure why don't you give us a sample of your DNA and you'll be on your way. Brad Kendall: I don't believe this. Talk to anyone. I'm not like that. Brass: I've got a court order. (BRASS puts the piece of paper on the desk. BRAD KENDALL looks at it, then admits it.) Brad Kendall: It was a one-time thing. I didn't even know she was pregnant. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - INTERVIEW ROOM -- DAY] (SGT. O'RILEY and GRISSOM question MARK RUCKER.) Sgt. O'Riley: I read him his rights. Last chance for a lawyer. Mark Rucker: I didn't do anything. Why would I need a lawyer? Sgt. O'Riley: (to GRISSOM) Fire away. Grissom: I have just one question: Does your head itch? Mark Rucker: (laughs) Do I have to answer that? Grissom: I'm going to just, uh ... rearrange your part a little. Hmm. According to Adam Walkey you were with him in his SUV the other night and your head lice ... confirmed his statement. They also tell me that you were driving. Mark Rucker: Yeah, yeah, I was with him. And, like he told you, we didn't know he hit the guy. Sgt. O'Riley: How do you know what Adam told us? (GRISSOM takes off his gloves and sits down.) Grissom: Now, why don't you tell us what really happened. Mark Rucker: Well, it was around midnight ... (Quick flashback to: That night. MARK RUCKER is driving.) Mark Rucker: (V.O.) ... and we were listening to the radio. I changed the station. Adam got pissed. Adam Walkey: Dude, what are you doing? That song is a classic. Mark Rucker: It's not a classic. It's crap. It's always been crap. Now, this ... this is tight. (They run over something with a loud thud.) Mark Rucker: Wh-what was that? Adam Walkey: Probably a dog. Let's get out of here. (End of flashback. Resume to present.) Mark Rucker: We just kept driving. It's the truth. Grissom: The evidence says otherwise. Mark Rucker: What are you talking about? Grissom: Well, there weren't just lice in the SUV. There were lice on the victim's sweater. Mark Rucker: So who cares about lice? Grissom: Do you know what lice eat? (MARK RUCKER doesn't know.) Grissom: Blood. I'm pretty sure I can prove that the lice on Brian Clemonds came from your head. Mark: We got out of the car. (Quick flashback to: That night. The SUV stops and both men get out of the car. They look at the body in the street.) Mark Rucker: We got to call the paramedics. Adam Walkey: We tell anybody, we are in trouble. We could go to jail. (End of flashback. Resume to present.) Mark Rucker: But I didn't want to leave him like that. Adam talked me into it. He had a scholarship to duke next year, you know. He couldn't risk it. (GRISSOM sighs.) Grissom: Let me tell you what I think happened. (Quick flashback to: Earlier that night. As they're driving past the liquor store, they see BRAIN.) Grissom: (V.O.) You and Adam saw Brian walking out of a liquor store carrying a six-pack. You're underage. Maybe you wanted him to front you some beer. (They lean out the open car window and yell out to him.) Adam Walkey: Hey, man, can you do us a favor? Grissom: (V.O.) Brian doesn't respond. Adam Walkey: Hey! (to MARK) What's his problem? MARK RUCKER: Let's find out. (The SUV stops in front of BRIAN and the men get out of the car.) Grissom: (V.O.) ... Then you got out of the car. (They circle BRIAN and continue to talk to him.) Adam Walkey: Hey, moron, we just want you to buy us some beer. MARK RUCKER: How about we just grab yours, huh? ADAM WALKEY: What do you want? MARK RUCKER: What do you say? You going to give it up? Grissom: (V.O.) You started taunting him. And then everything escalated. (They beat BRIAN up and leave BRIAN on the road.) Grissom: (V.O.) The blood on the victim's knuckles led us to Adam. (Camera moves from the bloodied knuckles on BRIAN'S hands to ADAM'S bloodied nose.) Grissom: (V.O.) The average male loses 80 hairs a day. A stray hair left behind lice, which brings us to you. (ADAM brushes his hand through his hair. Slow motion camera follows the single strand of hair as it falls onto BRIAN'S sweater.) (The two men leave BRIAN and get back into the SUV.) (End of flashback. Resume to present.) Grissom: It would have ended there but, as you were about to drive away, something caught your attention. (Quick flashback to: That night. Both men are in the SUV and slam their doors shut. They start the car and move forward when they notice BRIAN get up.) Grissom: (V.O.) Something in your rearview mirror. (In the rearview mirror, they see BRIAN get up and start yelling. MARK puts the car in reverse and hits BRIAN. BRIAN flies backward. MARK continues and runs the car over BRIAN.) (Camera close up of the piece of sweater caught in the muffler.) (End of flashback. Resume to present.) Grissom: And you took off. Mark Rucker: I want a lawyer. Grissom: Let me tell you something, son. Sgt. O'Riley: Gil, the interrogation is over. He's requested counsel. (MARK RUCKER looks at GRISSOM smugly.) Grissom: Fine. No more questions. (GRISSOM slowly gets to his feet.) Grissom: Just this. You want to know why Brian Clemonds ran away from you? It was dark, you were shouting at him and he didn't understand what you were saying. Brian Clemonds was deaf. (MARK RUCKER looks up at GRISSOM.) Grissom: He was afraid of you. But you were more afraid of him ... weren't you? (GRISSOM turns to leave the room.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) - DAY] [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. VEGAS GROUNDS COFFEE SHOP -- DAY] (The door opens and BRASS walks inside. CATHERINE and NICK talk with BRAD KENDALL. They show the pictures on the monitor to BRAD.) Brad Kendall: What am I looking at? Nick: Microscopic surface analysis. This ought to make things more clear. Catherine: A bunter tool makes a unique mark. (Quick CGI POV to: The etchings on the bottom bullet casing at close up as the tool burns in the mark. Camera pulls back to show the two "R" from the bullet casings side-by-side. End of CGI POV. Resume to present.) Nick: Casings from your gun are on the right. Casings collected from the crime scene are on the left. Catherine: They're identical. You came here that night ... to kill Erin. (Quick flashback to: That night. ERIN takes off her smock when the back door opens. BRAD KENDALL walks in.) Catherine: You came in through the back. Erin was in the office. Brad Kendall: We got to talk. Erin McCarty: I'm tired of talking to you. Brad Kendall: Listen to me! Erin McCarty: I'm tired of listening to you. Brad: I will take care of this. Erin McCarty: All you take care of is yourself. Brad Kendal: Erin, think! Use your head for once. I'm not going to let you ruin my life! (The back door opens and ALICE NEELY peeks inside.) Erin McCarty: I already have thought about it. I'm going to have this baby and you are going to support it. (ERIN walks past BRAD toward the back door.) Erin McCarty: I'll let you know if it's a boy or a girl. (BRAD takes out his gun and shoot her in the back. ALICE NEELY gasps. BRAD turns around seeing ALICE standing there. He shoots at her and misses. The bullet ricochets off the shelf.) (ALICE quickly closes the door and heads back into the main shop. BRAD follows.) Catherine: But Alice saw so you shot her. (BRAD fires and shoots ALICE.) Catherine: (V.O.) You thought that Erin had locked up but there was a kid drinking coffee (BRAD looks up and sees the customer at the table. The door opens and FLYNN and AL ROBSON walk into the shop. Catherine: ... and then things got out of hand. (AL ROBSON walks up to the counter and sees BRAD KENDALL standing there. He puts both hands on the counter and looks over the top where he sees ALICE on the floor.) (He looks back at BRAD and reaches for his gun. BRAD fires. He walks around the counter and finishes killing everyone in the shop.) (End of flashback. Resume to present.) Brass: Brad Kendall, you're under arrest for the murder of Frankie Flynn, Al Robson, Roy Hinton, Alice Neely and Erin McCarty. Nick: Six weeks pregnant with your child. (BRAD looks down.) Brad Kendall: I didn't mean for it to happen like that. I just wanted to talk. Catherine: Is that why you brought your gun? [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. GILBERT COLLEGE OF THE DEAF -- DAY] (GRISSOM and DR. GILBERT sit outside the front of the college.) Grissom: Some people are just afraid. Jane Gilbert: And that's why they killed Brian. Because he was different. You don't see us as different. (Shakes his head.) Grissom: You're not. Jane Gilbert: (speaks & signs) Who taught you to sign? Grissom: (speaks & signs) My mother. Jane Gilbert: (speaks & signs) Tell me about her. And use your hands. You're a little rusty. (GRISSOM smiles sheepishly at her.) [Note: Very loose translation. I'm no expert.] Grissom: (signs) She lost her hearing when she was eight. (Off of GRISSOM, camera shot of DR. GILBERT.) Grissom: (signs) ... loved to swim. I asked her what it was like to be deaf. She told me to stick my head under the water ... Jane Gilbert: (laughs and signs) True. Grissom: (signs) She taught me not to make fun of "she" ... "you" ... "everyone" ... "the same". (Camera is behind DR. GILBERT, off her shoulder at GRISSOM then slowly pulls back.) Jane Gilbert: (signs) ... Grissom: (signs) ... Jane Gilbert: (signs) ... (Conversation continues ... The only sounds we hear are the water fountain and birds chirping.) (Sounds continues ... then fades ... )

Grissom, Sara and Warrick investigate a deaf man who was run over by a car. However, further investigation shows that he died before the car even struck him. The team's encounters with the dean of the deaf man's school reveals a secret about Grissom. Meanwhile, Catherine and Nick investigate an apparent mob hit that leaves five dead in a coffee shop.

fd_Bones_05x04

fd_Bones_05x04_0

"The Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood" [SCENE_BREAK] TEASER (Open on: Ext. Verbena Court a suburban cul-de-sac. A luau street party is underway, tables are laid out in the street, banners and streamer are hung up. People dressed up in Hawaiian clothes and flower garlands are carrying plates of food and drinking cocktails. Children are playing.). Woman's voice (off screen): Everybody, I've got fresh pineapples! (The SAYLES family BOB, PAIGE and MARY KAY stand with neighbor NATE GRUNENFELDER. BOB grabs one of NATE's coconut boobs) NATE: Aargh, back off, sailor. PAIGE: Grabbing the gay guy's coconut boob - real cool, Dad. (She walks away) BOB: Your old man is cool. Right, Nate? NATE: Massively cool, Bob. You're a glacier. MARY KAY: Aren't any of these nonalcoholic? BOB: You know, it would do you some good to have a couple drinks, loosen up a little. (We follow NATE as he moves to a new group: his boyfriend JAMES PERRY, and neighbors ELLIOT and PAULA LINDBERGH. NATE hands PAULA a drink.) ELLIOT: All due respect, James, I don't even understand why gays even want to get married. PAULA: Elliot! For the same reason we do, family, kids, the American Dream. JAMES: Exactly. (Puts his arm around Nate) Thank you Paula. ELLIOT: Our house has been on the market for ten months. Nobody wants the American Dream anymore. PAULA: Elliot, you're gonna love the 'burbs once we have a couple kids. (Popping sounds like firecrackers are heard.) Voice (off screen): Ooooh, what's goin' on? JAMES: That's coming from the luau pit. BOB: Hey, Trey, what's that noise? MARY KAY: For God's sake, Bob, he's a gardener, not a servant. (Everyone gathers round the luau pit). BOB: He works for the Homeowner's Association, which means he works for us. Am I wrong? ELLIOT: Maybe the, uh, pig's eyeballs explode when it's done. NATE: It shouldn't be done for a couple more hours. JAMES: We should check and make sure it's not burning. NATE: Yeah, all right... stand back. (TREY removes the sacking covering the pig. JAMES and NATE lift the pig from the pit). BOB: Hey piggy piggy, look out, get back. This is kosher, right? Aw, yeah. PAULA: Elliot, will you get the meat thermometer? ELLIOT: (looking into the pit) Oh my god. PAULA: What, hon? (The group moves away from the pig to look in the pit, a burned skull is visible among the embers, shocked gasps are heard). BOB: Is that a person? That's a person! Voice (off screen): He's been cooked! [SCENE_BREAK] (Cut to: The Jeffersonian, Int. Medical-Legal Lab. The foyer. CAM and BRENNAN dressed in fieldwork overalls walk into foyer to see BOOTH stood waiting for them). CAM: Why are you standing there like a security guard? (PARKER steps out from behind BOOTH). Parker, hey! PARKER: Hi! BRENNAN: (To PARKER). The remains we've been called to examine were apparently barbecued. Would you like to see? PARKER: Totally! BOOTH: No, no, no. A person did not get barbecued. Did they, Dr. Brennan? BRENNAN: Yes. In a luau pit, which is why I'm surprised you'd bring Parker along. BOOTH: No, I-Rebecca and her boyfriend won a night at the Greenbrier, so little kid's with me. I got him. PARKER: Let's go see the cooked person! BOOTH: Geez, you know our deal. BRENNAN: Well, what's your deal? PARKER: We're not allowed to talk about the bad parts of Dad's work until I have armpit hair. BOOTH: You don't have any armpit hair last time I checked. Not for a long time, kid. (ANGELA appears in the background.) CAM: Angela, would you mind...? ANGELA: Oh, no, sure. I get the situation here. You're with me, Parker. PARKER: I want to see the barbecued body. ANGELA: Well, I agree that does sound awesome, but I have face paints that your dad will never be able to get off, no matter how hard he scrubs. They're basically tattoos. PARKER: Okay, I'm with you. BOOTH: You have a good time, all right? (BOOTH hugs PARKER). I'll come pick you up in a little bit, all right? (CAM and BRENNAN walk to the exit). Have fun--fun with the face paints, kid. (To ANGELA) Hey, that's not true about the face paint, is it? ANGELA: You're with me, Baby Booth. [SCENE_BREAK] (Cut to: Ext. Verbena Court. FBI crime scene tape is set up around the cul-de-sac. An FBI technician is taking photos. BOOTHS car arrives at Verbena Court; BRENNAN, BOOTH and CAM exit the car and walk to the crime scene. We see the party goers are still at the scene). BRENNAN: Ethnographic studies of the suburbs indicate a cultural impulsion toward overt displays of status. Of course, this competitive paradigm can often result in aggression and violence. (They duck under the FBI tape and approach the luau pit). CAM: There was this guy on my street who cut his lawn on the diagonal. The neighbors got angry. Someone set his garage on fire. BOOTH: Oh, I mean, yards, sidewalks, you know, clean streets, birds flying by. (CAM and BRENNAN put on gloves). CAM: A dead body in the barbecue pit. BOOTH: Oh. Okay, you know what, I'm gonna go talk to the neighbors, to see if anyone who cut their lawn diagonally is missing. BRENNAN: I think those are reflective lenses that have fused into the supra-orbital margin. (She climbs down into the pit). (Cut to: BOOTH interviewing NATE and JAMES in the street) JAMES: Nate and I moved to Verbena Court about six months ago. NATE: The luau pit came with the house. JAMES: We installed a lockable cover. We don't want kids falling in. We're good neighbors. BOOTH: Who has a key? NATE: Uh, just us. And there's one with the Neighborhood Watch. BOOTH: Okay, uh, who put the pig in the pit? JAMES: Me, Nate and Trey at 9 o'clock this morning. BOOTH: Trey? NATE: Uh, Trey Jordan. (He indicates towards TREY JORDAN who is standing across the street). He's the gardener slash handyman for the Homeowner's Association. (JAMES stares over at where TREY is standing) Stop staring at him, James. JAMES: You were just talking about him... BOOTH: Guys, guys. When you put the pig in... JAMES: We didn't notice anything down there but hot coals. (Cut to: CAM and BRENNAN in the luau pit.) CAM: (Holding electronic thermometer). 48 degrees Celsius. That's, what, an hour after they drenched everything with a garden hose? BRENNAN: Wish they hadn't done that. CAM: Well, it's human nature, Dr. Brennan. You see someone on fire, you put 'em out. BRENNAN: Prominent brow points to a male. Wear on his mandibular teeth puts his age at about 30 to 35. We should remove the remains and then let Hodgins get down here. (BRENNAN removes sunglasses from the skull and places them in an evidence bag CAM is holding.) (Cut to: BOOTH interviewing TREY, PAIGE, BOB and MARY KAY. They are stood in a line against a car facing BOOTH who is pacing.) BOB: We have the luau every year. MARY KAY: The pit was dug maybe... Four years ago. July. Same time we planted our hydrangeas. That reminds me, we should spray. BOB: Yeah, we all helped with the pit. It's, uh, four feet deep and lined with brick; you burn the wood to embers. PAIGE: You cheat with charcoal. MARY KAY: Don't call your dad a cheater, Paige. BOB: Anyway, tons of embers going, then you throw down a layer of wet burlap, then wet leaves, then wet burlap, chicken wire, then you lower the pig in and voila. BOOTH: Yeah, you're forgetting one thing there. BOB: I don't think so. Burlap, leaves... PAIGE: He means the dead guy under the pig, Dad. BOOTH: Smart one in the family there. So, what made you crack open the pit early? MARY KAY: We heard little explosions, like fireworks going off. BRENNAN: (Approaching the group). We found these in the pit. (She holds up the evidence bag containing the sunglasses). BOOTH: Reflective aviators. TREY: Those look like Mr. Bessette's glasses. PAIGE: Oh, my God. MARY KAY: That's Kurt? PAIGE: You must be mistaken. BOB: (Raises his voice) Hey, everybody, looks like it was Kurt. (There are gasps of shock and surprise from the neighbors) BOOTH: Who's Kurt? PAIGE: He and his wife live over there. (She indicates a house across the street) (BOOTH and BRENNAN turn to look at the house, they see a woman - KELLY BESSETTE - through the window, she sees them looking and abruptly closes the blinds.) BOOTH: That was creepy. BRENNAN: I warned you about the suburbs. [SCENE_BREAK] (Titles) [SCENE_BREAK] (Cut to: Int. The Hoover Building - The conference room. SWEETS sits with KELLY BESSETTE at the table) KELLY BESSETTE: And you're certain it's Kurt? SWEETS: I'm afraid so, Ms. Bessette. His teeth match the X-rays your dentist provided. KELLY BESSETTE: Well, I already told the FBI guy and the scary lady everything I know, so I don't know what... SWEETS: You mentioned that you and your husband didn't really fit in with the neighborhood. KELLY BESSETTE: Uh, yeah. Uh, Kurt put up a solar panel and a wind turbine, and it made everybody mad. They thought they were pretty ugly. They said they ruined the neighborhood, you know. But he just wanted to save the planet. There's nothing wrong with that, right? SWEETS: No, it's quite a noble cause. KELLY BESSETTE: But it can kind of rub people the wrong way sometimes. When the gay couple's dog peed on the wind turbine, Kurt gave the dog a laxative that nearly killed him. (She laughs). SWEETS: Oh. Well, that... that's not quite so noble. KELLY BESSETTE: (She becomes serious). Neighbors don't forget a thing like that. We got shunned. [SCENE_BREAK] (Cut to: The Jeffersonian Int. Medical-Legal Lab - The autopsy room. CAM and ARASTOO work on the remains. HODGINS is visible on a large screen; he is at the crime scene) HODGINS: Found out what caused the mini explosions. CAM: Would it have anything to do with the pebbles embedded in the remains? HODGINS: If by pebbles, you mean the rudaceous sedimentary stratified clast fragments, then yes. (Cut to: HODGINS at the crime scene). Now, based on the amount of pyrites, I'd estimate the porosity at approximately 25%. (Cut to: The lab. HODGINS continues via screen). That's ideal for moisture saturation. ARASTOO: Meaning the pebbles exploded when they got hot. HODGINS: The pebbles, as you so quaintly call them, were all found on the same strata as the human remains. Most likely dragged from the murder site. CAM: Which explains why they were embedded in the remains. (Cut to: The crime scene) HODGINS: Yeah. All consistent in size and color. (Cut to: The lab) ARASTOO: Decorative, perhaps? (Cut to: The crime scene. HODGINS spots decorative gravel around the base of KURT BESSETTE's wind turbine.) HODGINS: I'll call you back. (Cut to: The lab. HODGINS disappears from the screen). ARASTOO: These bones are not human. CAM: I assume they're pig. ARASTOO: (An alarm on his watch sounds).Yes. (He checks his watch). CAM: Time for prayers? ARASTOO: Yes, but I have a couple of minutes. CAM: Oh, I'm sorry. ARASTOO: Why? CAM: As a Muslim, I imagine you consider this work unclean. ARASTOO: Yes, well, as a Christian, I imagine you feel the same way. Four femurs, twelve phalanges, dozens of teeth, twelve canines. CAM: Luau custom says throw the pig bones back in the pit. Sorry, sorry. Pig bones. God. ARASTOO: I'm fine, Dr. Saroyan. Perhaps the killer assumed his victim's remains would never be noticed amongst the pig bones. CAM: Really, Arastoo, there's no reason for you to... ARASTOO: I appreciate your concern, but I am fine. CAM: No, really, most of us aren't devout here, and I respect your religion. ARASTOO: "He hath forbidden you the flesh of swine," but if one is forced by necessity, "without willful disobedience, nor transgressing due limits, then is he guiltless." CAM: Point is, you shouldn't feel forced... ARASTOO: (Angrily in an American accent) I'm a scientist, okay? Just like the rest of you. I can deal. So please just back off and let me do my job like anyone else. CAM: Wow. ARASTOO: (Reverting to fake foreign accent) I apologize for my outburst. CAM: Oh, you aren't even gonna try to un-ring that bell, are you? (ARASTOOS alarm sounds again). ARASTOO: I have to pray (he exits). (A phone rings, CAM answers on speakerphone). CAM: Saroyan. (Cut to: The crime scene. HODGINS is stood by the wind turbine in the BESSETTE's yard) HODGINS: I found the rudaceous sedimentary stratified clast fragment mother lode. (Cut to: The lab). CAM: Uh, yeah, any signs of a struggle in the pebbles? HODGINS: No... (Cut to: The crime scene. HODGINS crouches by the wind turbine and dislodges some of the stones with his hands. He uncovers blood). Um, I call do-over. They're covered in blood. Lots of blood. [SCENE_BREAK] (Cut to The Jeffersonian. Int. Medical-Legal Lab - ANGELA's office. ANGELA is painting PARKERS face). PARKER: My friend's dad just got a new girlfriend. He goes with his dad to her place all the time to swim. ANGELA: Oh, so he likes her. Well, that's good. PARKER: Do you have a boyfriend? ANGELA: No, I'm on a celibacy kick. It's been five months and nine days, which in celibacy time is 400 years. PARKER: What does celibacy mean? ANGELA: It's, um... I don't have a boyfriend, no. PARKER: How about my dad? ANGELA: I don't think he has a boyfriend either. PARKER: No, he really, really needs a girlfriend. Really. ANGELA: Why? PARKER: To s*x up. ANGELA: That's very succinctly put. PARKER: Could Dad s*x you up? ANGELA: Don't think I haven't considered that, but I'm sort of on the sidelines for now. But thank you for thinking of me. Okay. Ready? PARKER: Mm-hmm. (She holds up a mirror). ANGELA: Done. PARKER: Cool. How'd you do that? ANGELA: I'm good. (They high 5). [SCENE_BREAK] (Cut to: Int. BOOTH's car, BOOTH is driving BRENNAN is in the passenger seat) BRENNAN: (Into speakerphone). How much blood did Hodgins find? (Cut to: Int. Medical-Legal lab. Cam is walking through lab talking on a mobile phone) CAM: Plenty. He estimates a fatal amount. (Cut to: BOOTH's car) BOOTH: Can you compare the blood to the cooked guy and see if it's his? (Cut to: The lab) CAM: He's pretty cooked, but we'll try. Hodgins also ID'd morning glory pollen between the victim's eyeballs and his sunglasses. (Cut to: BOOTH's car) BRENNAN: How is that relevant? CAM: (voice over speakerphone) He said morning glories only bloom after sunup. (Cut to: The lab) Sunrise was 5:47 a.m., so we're close to a time of death. Were you guys aware that Arastoo doesn't really have an accent? (Cut to: BOOTH's car). BOOTH: Yeah, he does. Yeah, it's thicker than Achmed the rug merchant. (Whispering to BRENNAN). Was that racist? It sounded racist. (Cut to: The lab). BRENNAN: (voice over phone) I knew that despite the fact that Arastoo said he was Iranian, (Cut to: BOOTH's car) his accent was Jordanian. (Cut to: The lab). CAM: (She stops walking). Don't you find it odd that he was faking an Arab accent of any kind? (Cut to: BOOTH's car). BRENNAN: Iranian isn't actually Arab. BOOTH: What? It... Bones, it's weird! BRENNAN: Now how is it any more odd than, say, shaving your face or putting on makeup? (Cut to: The lab) CAM: I'm not hanging up because I don't have an answer to that, I'm just hanging up. (Cut to: BOOTH's car). BRENNAN: But...I had questions about the morning glories. (BOOTH's car arrives at Verbena Court). (Cut to: Ext. Verbena Court. BOOTH and BRENNAN are stood interviewing JAMES and NATE on the street). BOOTH: So, we understand that you and the deceased had an altercation over your dog? NATE: You think that we cooked him because he poisoned our dog? JAMES: Kurt did not poison our dog. NATE: Yes, he did. Rocky peed on his stupid windmill, so then he gave our dog chocolate laxatives. Dogs don't react to that the way people do. BRENNAN: It's very difficult to overdose on laxatives. All that will happen is... JAMES: Rocky died from cancer. NATE: Maybe. We'll never know because someone wouldn't pay for a doggy autopsy. JAMES: Oh, my God. You won't let that go, even though the FBI thinks that we killed Kurt for poisoning our dog. We don't think that he poisoned our dog. BRENNAN: W... he does. NATE: Now that I think about it...Rocky totally died of cancer. [SCENE_BREAK] (Cut to: The Jeffersonian. Int. Medical-Legal lab - The bone room. CAM and ARASTOO look at the victims cleaned bones which are laid out on a light table). CAM: Can you see anything that would explain copious blood loss? ARASTOO: (Using fake accent). Not so far. As you can see, here and here... CAM: Can it, bub. It's just you and me here. ARASTOO: (Using his American accent). This mark here on the scapula suggests a puncture wound. CAM: And it's barely a poke, right? ARASTOO: It would've been painful, but no way it kills the guy. Here we see a bone laceration on the victim's proximal humerus adjacent to the greater tubercle. Staining suggests that the injury occurred before he died. CAM: Is that bone splintering? ARASTOO: Yes, micro-fragments. I believe the laceration's the result of a blow from a reciprocating-type weapon. CAM: Like? ARASTOO: A saw. I asked Dr. Hodgins to swab for particulates that may have been transferred from the blade. CAM: (She calls up images of the injury sites on a screen) Here... is the stab wound. And the laceration from the saw. Neither blow's anywhere near a major vein or artery. ARASTOO: Neither blow explains the amount of blood on the pebbles. (HODGINS enters) HODGINS: I ran a metal detector through all the crap we found at the bottom of the pit. CAM: Crap?! HODGINS: Yeah, technical term. (He holds up an evidence bag). CAM: Bullet. Is that a .44 caliber? HODGINS: Yep. ARASTOO: (Reverting to fake accent). This seems to suggest, rather convincingly, The reason for all the blood. (CAM gives him an incredulous look). [SCENE_BREAK] (Cut to: The Jeffersonian. Int. Medical-Legal lab - ANGELA's office. PARKER is playing a video game, BOOTH and ANGELA stand talking.) BOOTH: Whoa-whoa-whoa, wait a second. You and Parker discussed my s*x life? ANGELA: Well, we discussed your lack of s*x life. BOOTH: Angela, neither you nor him, especially him, know anything about my s*x life. ANGELA: Well, he knows that daddy ain't getting any, and he's concerned. He thinks you need a girlfriend... to have s*x. BOOTH: He said that? ANGELA: Well, his exact words were, "To s*x up." I think you need to talk to him honestly about your love life. BOOTH: You kidding me? No offense, but I'm not talking about... (CAM enters). CAM: Hey... BOOTH: What? CAM: Want to run our friendly neighborhood suburbanites through the National Gun Permit Database, see if any of them own a .44? Hodgins found that in the pit. (She hands BOOTH the bagged bullet). PARKER: Hi, Dr. Saroyan. Do you have a boyfriend? ANGELA: See? This is exactly how it started with me. (CAM looks puzzled and amused). BOOTH: (Walking to PARKER). Come on. Let's go. Come on. I gotta get you back home, or your mom's gonna kill me, all right? (They turn to leave - he looks at PARKER's painted face). Let me see this stuff. (To ANGELA). Does this stuff come off? ANGELA: Oh, seriously. That's your big worry right now? [SCENE_BREAK] (Cut to: The Hoover Building. Int. interrogation room. ELLIOT sits at the table) ELLIOT: I hate Verbena Court. Every last thing about it. It's artificial, (we see BOOTH stood opposite him), soulless... that's why I'm trying to sell out. It's ennui, Agent Booth, do you understand that? BOOTH: Looks kind of nice to me. It's good for kids. ELLIOT: They call it a cul-de-sac, but what it is is a dead end. BOOTH: So why'd you move there in the first place? ELLIOT: Wife wants kids; kids want lawns. I got snookered in the math. (We hear a knock at the door. An AGENT enters). AGENT: (To BOOTH). Here you go. (The AGENT hands BOOTH a tagged gun and lays an evidence bag on the table). BOOTH: (To ELLIOT). Right. (To AGENT). Thanks. (AGENT exits) Snookered enough, uh...to snap? (He lays the gun down in front of ELLIOT and picks up the evidence bag). ELLIOT: So I own a handgun. So what? I have a license, it's registered. BOOTH: (Showing ELLIOT the bagged bullet). We found this bullet in the pit with Bessette's body. We checked out his bank records. You wired $5000, into his account last month? (BOOTH sits). ELLIOT: Verbena Court was built with a limited amount of phone lines. Bessette bought them all. I wanted to put in a second line. BOOTH: Your neighbor charged you $5000, for a phone line? ELLIOT: Yup. Then he spent the five grand on putting up the damn windmill. BOOTH: Okay, so he rips you off for five grand, you snap and you shoot him. ELLIOT: No. I should've shot him. It wasn't Kurt I shot, though. I shot the pig. The luau pig. BOOTH: Excuse me? ELLIOT: Bob Sayles and I found a farm in North Carolina and paid to hunt our own pig. BOOTH: With a handgun? ELLIOT: I'll give you the name of the farm. Porky walked right up to us. I popped him one between the eyes. I barfed, Bob cried. (He Chuckles). Suburban hunters. That's an oxymoron, my friend. It's an oxymoron. [SCENE_BREAK] (Cut to: Int. The Hoover Building - SWEETS' office. SWEETS sits reading. CAM enters without knocking). SWEETS: No, no, no, no, you can't just walk in here... (She sits across from him). CAM: Arastoo Vaziri, our Muslim intern - he's been faking his accent. At first I go where everyone else goes, you know - terrorist. SWEETS: Wouldn't a terrorist fake not having an accent? CAM: Is it crazy or just weird? Weird, I can deal with, but crazy... (She stands and moves to leave). SWEETS: Wait. What do you want me to do? CAM: Oh, crazy is your department. (She exits). [SCENE_BREAK] (Cut to: Hoover Building Int. BOOTH and BRENNAN enter a corridor and continue walking). BRENNAN: They went to a farm and shot an innocent pig in the head? BOOTH: Look, it's not a Federal offense, Bones. There's nothing we can do about it now, okay? So let's just focus on the murdered human. BRENNAN: Oh, Okay. So far... we have a nick on the scapula, suggesting stabbing and splintering on the humerus, which suggests sawing. But neither explains bleeding out. BOOTH: Well, Sweets says he has something he'd like to share with us in the conference room. BRENNAN: Why does he have to say "share"? Why can't he just say "show"? BOOTH: Shhh, just... (They enter the conference room to see SWEETS resting against a chair. As they enter SWEETS rises). What do you have? SWEETS: Hey. Hey. (He indicates a large pin board covered with pictures of Verbena Court and its residents). Suburbanites tend to put too much emphasis on their outward accomplishments. Now, this creates a sense of detachment. (Booth sits on the table). BOOTH: Ennui. SWEETS: Very insightful. BOOTH: That's right. SWEETS: All right. The inherent uniformity and shared ideals of a planned community suggest that the neighborhood can be psychologically analyzed as a single, dysfunctional personality. BRENNAN: You mean you can look at it anthropologically? SWEETS: Really? You're gonna shanghai my whole discipline? BRENNAN: You're tapping into what anthropologists call "lines of influence, dominance and suasion." BOOTH: Go on, Sweets. (To BRENNAN) Just let him go on. SWEETS: So we can look at the community as a single dysfunctional personality, dealing with sexual infidelity, indebtedness, resentment... BRENNAN: That's what I just said. BOOTH: Both of you-- it's murder, okay? We're either dealing with money or s*x here. SWEETS: Yeah, that's what I just said. And this is where psychology can provide an insight that anthropology cannot. BRENNAN: I doubt that. SWEETS: Well, suburbanites, uh... will not only lie to outsiders, they'll lie to each other and to themselves. BRENNAN: What Sweets means is that societal norms endemic to the suburban acculturation dichotomize exterior postures and clandestine protocols. (BOOTH looks pained). BOOTH: Just give me one thing that's gonna help me catch the murderer--just one thing. SWEETS: All right, deal with these people as separate elements of one big collective personality. Identify the threat that Kurt Bessette posed to their psychological equanimity, and the killer will emerge. BRENNAN: (Surprised). I agree. BOOTH: Doesn't help me one bit. (He gets up and walks out BRENNAN and SWEETS follow). SWEETS: Why? BOOTH: (To BRENNAN). You seriously believe all that hoo-ha? BRENNAN: Well, it's anthropology, so, yes. SWEETS: Wrong "ology." Keep your grubby anthro hands off my psych. BOOTH: Listen, Bones, I'll meet you down in the car in five minutes, okay? (He pulls SWEETS towards his office) SWEETS: What? (BRENNAN exits). BOOTH: Five minutes. SWEETS: What? (They enter BOOTH's office and BOOTH closes the door). BOOTH: Okay, look... Parker has been asking all the women that I work with to be my girlfriend. SWEETS: Well, the women you work with are beautiful. BOOTH: Don't turn this into a conversation about s*x, okay? My kid is eight years old here. SWEETS: Parker's pre-adolescent, but he's very concerned with s*x. BOOTH: What he's concerned about are shoes with wheels on 'em. SWEETS: There are five stages of psychosexual development: oral, a**l... BOOTH: Whoa! (BOOTH moves around his desk, SWEETS follows). SWEETS: ...phallic latent and genital. Now Parker's transitioning from latent to genital. At the genital stage, he's learning to identify with his gender parent. That's you. He's looking at you to see his sexual future. BOOTH: How do I get him to stop? SWEETS: My advice is to let him see you interact with a woman. BOOTH: Easy! SWEETS: No, not sexually. Socially. Show him you're comfortable with women so he can learn to be the same way. BOOTH: Okay. (He turns to leave). SWEETS: Okay? Just like that? You're taking my advice? BOOTH: No, I just don't want to talk to you about it anymore. (He exits. SWEETS moves to sit in BOOTH's chair). SWEETS: Wait. This isn't my office. [SCENE_BREAK] (Cut to: Ext. Verbena Court. BOOTH is stood in the street. He is making notes entitled Motives and Alibis. We see him observe PAULA handing TREY a drink in her garden, JAMES and NATE potting a plant and BOB polishing his car while PAIGE sunbathes. BRENNAN approaches BOOTH). BRENNAN: What are you doing? (He hands her a sheet of paper, she reads from it) "Alibis." Hmm, it's very organized. (She continues reading). "At the time of the murder, Mary Kay Sayles (BOOTH recites with her) was biking with James Perry and Elliot Lindbergh." BOOTH: I'm thinking gay guy and 'burb hater are out biking with church lady. BRENNAN: Oh, so you're thinking they're a sexual threesome? BOOTH: What? Wow. No. I was just thinking that one of these cyclists was having s*x with Kurt Bessette. BRENNAN: Oh. So we should find out where churchy lady's husband and gay guy's boyfriend and 'burb hater's wife were at that time. BOOTH: Hey, if this turns out to be some suburban-key-party-threesome-revenge-slaying, (A car arrives) it's gonna get complicated and I'm gonna get... (HODGINS exits the car and approaches them). HODGINS: Hey, so I finally got through the particulates left behind by the saw. Three different organic remnants on the cut: a hooked thorn from the Bougainvillea glabra, a haw from a hybrid Crataegus monogyna and nectar from a Syringa protolaciniata. (He indicates three front yards). Each plant was from a different yard. BRENNAN: But all on the same reciprocating saw. HODGINS: Yeah. BOOTH: Really, like that one that Casanova gardener boy is using? (They watch as TREY uses a reciprocating saw to prune a bush). [SCENE_BREAK] (Cut to: The Hoover Building Int. interrogation room. BRENNAN sits across from TREY, BOOTH stands) BOOTH: So, my question is, did you kill Kurt Bessette on your own volition or did his wife talk you into it? TREY: What? BRENNAN: Bessette was attacked with your hedge trimmer. BOOTH: Come on. Young hot suburban gardener, bored suburban housewives. BRENNAN: You're an ethnological trope. TREY: What? BOOTH: Come on, Trey. Iced tea is not the only perk here, is it? TREY: Look, I had nothing going with Kurt Bessette's wife. BOOTH: Let me make this a little easier for you, shall we? Ah...(BOOTH lays pictures of PAULA LINDBERGH, PAIGE SAYLES, MARY KAY SAYLES and KELLY BESSETTE on the table in front of TREY.) Which one of these people did you have something going with? TREY: (Hesitates then touches the picture of PAIGE). Paige Sayles. BRENNAN: Huh. The church lady's daughter. TREY: She's 18, she's legal...and, plus, it was her idea. BOOTH: And? (TREY smiles and turns the picture of PAULA so it faces BOOTH and BRENNAN). BRENNAN: Paula Lindbergh-- I think she was trying to get pregnant so her husband would stay in the suburbs. BOOTH: So, you mind being used as a stud horse? TREY: Would you? BOOTH: Do these women know about each other? TREY: Not from me. BOOTH: Then from who? TREY: Mr. Bessette caught me and Mrs. Lindbergh sloshing up her hot tub. BRENNAN: Where were you between the hours of 5:00 am and 8:00 am the morning of the luau? TREY: I've got a girlfriend. I mean, back in my neighborhood. A real one who I love. I was with her. (Cut to: Int. The Hoover Building. A corridor. BOOTH and BRENNAN enter through a door). BOOTH: Wow. That cul-de-sac is like a s*x camp. BRENNAN: What? There's a s*x camp? BOOTH: No, no, no - listen, what were your anthropological lines again? BRENNAN: Influence, dominance and suasion. BOOTH: Okay, look, we both know that the murder victim wasn't above shaking someone down for a phone line, so maybe he finds out that Paula Lindbergh is trying to make babies with the gardener; he puts the squeeze on her, she kills him and Casanova gardener boy helps out. BRENNAN: That definitely fits the paradigm. [SCENE_BREAK] (Cut to: Verbena Court Int. the LINDBERGH home. PAULA is sat in her sitting room). PAULA: I was afraid this would come up when I heard you took Trey in for questioning. (We see BOOTH and BRENNAN sitting on the couch opposite). BOOTH: You were right. So start talking. PAULA: I should never have made Elliot move to the suburbs. In a way, I emasculated him. BRENNAN: (To BOOTH). Oh, God. She's a therapist. She talks like a therapist. PAULA: What? You remove a man from an environment where he flourishes to a place where he feels impotent, he actually becomes impotent. BOOTH: Look, if you wanted a baby so bad, why didn't you just move back to the city? PAULA: We owe more on this house than it's worth. And even if Elliot could sell it, we're stuck financially. BRENNAN: What happened when Kurt Bessette found you with the gardener? PAULA: Nothing. He smirked. BOOTH: Did Kurt threaten to tell your husband or blackmail you? PAULA: Oh, no. He wouldn't dare. BRENNAN: Why not? PAULA: Wait, you think that Kurt told my husband about the gardener, and so Elliot killed him? Elliot puked when he shot a pig. Please. BRENNAN: Interlocking lines of suasion between members of the collective result in multiple duplicities. PAULA: Oh, my God. She's an anthropologist. She talks like an anthropologist. BOOTH: Just answer the question. BRENNAN: Why wouldn't Kurt Bessette dare tell your husband about the gardener? PAULA: I'm a trained therapist. I looked at Kurt and Paige talking on the street. I knew immediately that their relationship was clandestine. Probably sexual. Kurt Bessette was sleeping with that 18 year old girl. I used that knowledge to ask for our five grand back for the phone. Kurt wouldn't have agreed if it weren't true. If I were you, I'd be looking at Paige's father for this murder, not my Elliot. PAIGE: (Voice off screen) Hey, Dad! (Through the window BOOTH and BRENNAN see PAIGE approach BOB outside, he sprays her with his hose, she squeals). I'm going to kill you! BOB: That never gets old. [SCENE_BREAK] (Cut to: Verbena Court Int. the SAYLES home. PAIGE is drying off with a towel). PAIGE: Okay, yeah, Kurt and I hooked up. (We see BOOTH and BRENNAN stood with her). I'm of age. He didn't break any laws sleeping with me. BOOTH: So, what did you see in him? PAIGE: Kurt wasn't like the other guys from here. He wasn't just cute, he was committed to the environment, saving our planet. People hated him because he made them feel ashamed that they weren't doing more. BRENNAN: Well, I think what they hated was the windmill. BOOTH: You know, it's possible having s*x with you killed him. PAIGE: No, Kurt was in awesome shape. BOOTH: No, I didn't mean that you gave him a heart attack. What I meant was, it's possible that someone who cares about you killed him. PAIGE: Like my Dad, you mean? BRENNAN: Or Trey the gardener. PAIGE: But they didn't even know about Kurt. BOOTH: Well... what if they did? [SCENE_BREAK] (Cut to: The Hoover Building Int. SWEETS' office. ARASTOO is sitting opposite SWEETS). ARASTOO: (Using his fake accent). Is this an official FBI investigation? Do I need some kind of representation? SWEETS: Yeah, the whole accent thing - it's kind of out in the world. ARASTOO: (Reverts to American accent). I figured. SWEETS: This place, the Jeffersonian - they see things in very black-and-white terms. ARASTOO: Comes with the gig. We're scientists. SWEETS: Yeah, but unlike any of them, you're religious. ARASTOO: Muslim. SWEETS: Now, this man I see in front of me right now - rational, pragmatic, highly intelligent. That man might have to explain his religion to people like that every single day. Whereas... ARASTOO: Whereas a kid from the sticks of Iran, newly arrived in the West, it's no wonder he clings to his cultural superstitions. SWEETS: There you go. Frustrating enough to drive a guy to fake an accent. Which, in my professional opinion, is not crazy. ARASTOO: You're a pretty smart guy. SWEETS: But I don't need a scientist to tell me who or what I am. And neither should you, Mr. Vaziri. Thanks for coming by. ARASTOO: Thank you. (They stand and shake hands). [SCENE_BREAK] (Cut to: The Jeffersonian Int. Medical-Legal lab - CAM's office. We see some analysis on a computer screen). CAM: (Voice off screen).Tox screen came back positive for potassium nitrate, (We see CAM sat at the computer, she is talking on her speakerphone) which can be prescribed for high blood pressure... (Cut to BOOTH and BRENNAN in BOOTH's car. CAM's voice is heard over the car phone). ...but Kurt Bessette was in very good shape. (The scene cuts between CAM's office and BOOTH's car throughout the conversation). BRENNAN: Yes, we heard that from his teenage girlfriend. BOOTH: Enough to kill the guy? CAM: Nope. He might have experienced some muscle weakness, but otherwise saltpeter is fairly harmless. BOOTH: Saltpeter is not harmless, okay? I went to Catholic school. CAM: That's a total myth, Booth. BRENNAN: No, Booth did actually go to a Catholic school. BOOTH: No, no, no, the nuns-- used to put saltpeter in all the boys' milk at lunch so that we couldn't get... So we could concentrate without... You know! Ping? BRENNAN: But how could you tell that it was in the boys' milk and not the girls'? BOOTH: 'Cause the boys' milk was always frothier. CAM: And did it work? BOOTH: Well, not on me. BRENNAN: Well, it didn't work on anyone, Booth. Why people insist upon believing that old wives' tale in the face of all evidence, I'll never understand. Saltpeter acts as a blood thinner. BOOTH: See? Thin blood could stop a guy from... CAM: We've been saying that the two wounds we found on the victim's body wouldn't be enough for him to bleed out... BRENNAN: But with saltpeter, he could have bled internally from even minor soft tissue damage. CAM: We'd never have seen the evidence of that after he cooked. BOOTH: We got probable cause of death. BRENNAN: Now we just need to find out who fed Kurt Bessette the saltpeter. CAM: I think you'll want to talk to the cheating b*st*rd's wife. [SCENE_BREAK] (Cut to: Int. The Hoover Building. The interrogation room. KELLY BESSETTE sits at the table). KELLY BESSETTE: I begged Kurt to stop cheating on me. I did everything I could in the bedroom to make him stay. I changed my hair. I went to the gym. But when I went to work every day, it was a "cat's away, mice play" situation. (We see BOOTH and BRENNAN sat opposite her. BOOTH is leaning away from the table). BRENNAN: Where'd you get the saltpeter? KELLY BESSETTE: Oh. Um... Nate and James have stump remover. And that's 98% saltpeter. I figured that might be enough to remove Kurt's stump from her garden. BOOTH: (Leaning forwards). Who else knew he was cheating? KELLY BESSETTE: Nobody. Unless her husband found out. BRENNAN: Husband? (Whispering to BOOTH) Kurt Bessette was sleeping with the church lady, too? BOOTH: Do you think her husband is capable of murder? KELLY BESSETTE: Bob? No. He's just a big dumb-ass knob who thinks Verbena Court is Heaven. BRENNAN: (Whispering to BOOTH). That was before he knew the neighbor was having s*x with both his wife and his daughter. BOOTH: (BOOTH opens a folder to cover his mouth from KELLY BESSETTE, and whispers to BRENNAN). I don't care how big of a dumb-ass Bob Sayles is. He finds that out, he's going to want to kill her husband. (He closes the folder). [SCENE_BREAK] (Cut to: Int. The Hoover Building. The interrogation room. MARY KAY SAYLES sits at the table). MARY KAY: How did you find out about me and Kurt? (We see BOOTH sat opposite). Only the two of us knew and, and Kurt's dead. BOOTH: You were not the only person that Kurt Bessette was sleeping with. MARY KAY: You mean, aside from his wife? So I wasn't his only... Well, who? Who else? BOOTH: He was sleeping with your daughter Paige. (She looks shocked). You can understand why you're a suspect here. MARY KAY: Yes. People kill out of jealousy. I guess it won't matter if I deny it. BOOTH: Uh, but you're not our prime suspect. You see, you have an alibi. You were out biking with James Perry and Elliot Lindbergh. MARY KAY: So you think Kelly found out and killed her own husband? (BOOTH looks doubtful). Paige? My God, she's only 18... (BOOTH looks doubtful again). You think my Bob found out and killed Kurt? (BOOTH nods). [SCENE_BREAK] (Cut to: The Jeffersonian Int. Medical-Legal lab - The bone room. CAM, ANGELA and HODGINS are stood around the light table where the victim's bones are laid). HODGINS: I found evidence of a homogenous mixture of oily and waxy long-chain, which are non-polar hydrocarbons in, uh, this fracture of the skull. CAM: Can't you just say lubricant? Isn't that much quicker? ANGELA: Arastoo must be finished looking at the mini-fractures in that area, right? Where is he? (ARASTOO enters). ARASTOO: (In his regular American accent) Sorry. Sorry, I just finished morning prayers. (He walks behind the others and moves to stand in front of the big screen with his back to them. ANGELA and HODGINS look at him with shocked expressions). Skull fracture is located high on the frontal bone, right on the midline... HODGINS: Whoa! ANGELA: Who are you? ARASTOO: (He turns to face them). I don't have an accent. I was faking it. But I am devout. I do pray five times a day. Now can we get back to work, please? ANGELA: Oh, no. Definitely not. HODGINS: How do we know you're not faking this accent? ANGELA: Does Brennan know about this? CAM: Yes. (She nods). She doesn't care. (ANGELA looks unbelieving). She doesn't care. ARASTOO: (Turning back to the screen). The midline fracture... HODGINS: N n n n n n n n nooo. CAM: Arastoo, things will go a lot faster if you just explain. ARASTOO: When I speak as though I just got off the boat, people accept my religious convictions. Plus, fewer terrorist jokes. I don't know why. HODGINS: 'Cause they're afraid of you. ANGELA: You are so gonna to pay for this. HODGINS: Yeah. ARASTOO: I have no doubt that is true. Now, (He turns back to the screen). This wound has a distinctive curve shape to it. CAM: (CAM moves to join ARASTOO at the screen). It doesn't look very severe. Corresponding micro fractures to the posterior cranium indicate that Kurt was hit while resting his head on a hard surface. ANGELA: So, a weak blow that was delivered when Kurt was already on the ground? HODGINS: There's a concrete base on the wind turbine. CAM: Bob Sayles is a big, burly man. HODGINS: Yeah, but he's a decent guy. ANGELA: Well, what does that have to do with it? HODGINS: Decent guys, you know. They have a harder time hitting a guy when they're already down on the ground. ARASTOO: So, not a weak blow, a half-hearted one? ANGELA: This mark here could be congruent with a golf club. (She points to the skull on the table). It's curved and metallic. I could run up an image. HODGINS: Most clubs have abrazing composition to secure the titanium alloy that's on the club head. I can check on that. CAM: So a reciprocating saw, a golf-club with some lubricant. That just leaves the puncture weapon unidentified. [SCENE_BREAK] (Cut to: Int. The Hoover Building. BOOTH and BRENNAN are walking from the elevator). BOOTH: It takes a village, Bones. BRENNAN: Uh, I, I beg your pardon? BOOTH: A village to raise a kid properly. You know, it takes a village. BRENNAN: But metaphorically; it doesn't mean we all must grow up in hamlets of 800 people or less. (He takes a file handed to him by a coworker as he passes her desk). BOOTH: Thanks, um... Will you be my village? BRENNAN: Huh? BOOTH: I-I need Parker to know that I lead a full and rewarding life. BRENNAN: But you don't. BOOTH: What? Yes, I do. BRENNAN: No, you don't. You work too much, you don't socialize, all of which prevents you from having a full s*x life. BOOTH: Okay, please, let's just take a hint from, you know, the suburbs and just make it look good. (They enter the snack room. BOOTH looks at the file he took). BRENNAN: You want to know if I'll help you fool your son into thinking your life is gratifying? BOOTH: Yeah. Will you do it? BRENNAN: Well, uh how? BOOTH: Come to dinner with us. Have fun. Laugh at my jokes. BRENNAN: That might actually turn out to be fun, thus becoming a self-fulfilling desire. (We assume BOOTH has poured himself coffee as he now holds a mug). BOOTH: Right. So, you'll do it? BRENNAN: Yes, I will be your hamlet of 800 people or less. BOOTH: My village. BRENNAN: I was being amusing. You should laugh at my jokes, too. BOOTH: I'm laughing on the inside. (SWEETS enters and stands in the doorway). SWEETS: Hey, so I just told Bob Sayles that both his wife and daughter were having s*x with Kurt Bessette. BOOTH: Was he shocked? SWEETS: Yeah, and he wasn't faking it. (BRENNAN and BOOTH exit the snack room). BRENNAN: Well, you shouldn't say that like it's a fact. (SWEETS, BRENNAN and BOOTH walk together along the corridor). SWEETS: In my opinion, his dismay was genuine. However, it's difficult to say whether the shock was due to the sexual revelations or if we discovered information he was keeping secret. BRENNAN: I appreciate the distinction. (They stop outside a door, BRENNAN goes inside). BOOTH: Hold on to that for a second. (He passes SWEETS his mug. BOOTH follows BRENNAN through the door). (Cut to: Int. The Hoover Building - The interrogation room. BOB SAYLES sits at the table). BOB: You do the best you can, you know? You go to work, you bring home the bacon, you raise a daughter. Either of you got daughters? (We see BRENNAN at the table opposite BOB. BOOTH stands). BOOTH: Mm-mm. (BOOTH shakes his head). BOB: Well, that's the trip, man - daughters. I was so worried about Paige and that gardener kid, I didn't see what was happening with Kurt. But, I mean, what do you do, preach abstinence? Doesn't work in Alaska; why would it work on Verbena Court? BOOTH: Did you suspect anything about your wife? BOB: I gotta confess... (BRENNAN and BOOTH share a look). If I'd have known any of that, I'd have killed the son of a bitch, bare hands. And there's not a jury in this country that would convict me, either. BRENNAN: That is untrue. They most certainly would have convicted you. BOOTH: You don't have an alibi? BOB: I was home alone, sleeping in, after getting that pig pit all dug and ready and lit. How can Mary Kay do this to me. I've been a good husband, good provider. I took two jobs. BRENNAN: Two jobs? We only have you down as a CPA for an airline. BOB: Yeah, well, me and Kurt started a side business on the Internet. BOOTH: You and Kurt Bessette had a business together? BOB: Yep. It was going good, too. BRENNAN: Can you continue the business without him? BOB: Nah. No way. He was the entrepreneur. I just handled the books. BOOTH: What kind of business was it? BOB: The only kind that's recession-proof. [SCENE_BREAK] (Cut to: Verbena Court - Int. the SAYLES' garage. The space is full of shelves stacked with boxes and packages. Several life-size blow-up dolls are visible. BOOTH and BRENNAN enter). BRENNAN: s*x toys. BOOTH: Guy goes into the s*x toy business with another guy, (He picks up a red riding crop from a display). who commences to nail his wife... (He swishes the crop). and daughter. Probably using some of the merchandise here to double the fun, huh, Bones? (He swishes the crop again. We see a box labeled "Love Lube") Bones, looks like we found the lubricant. (He shows her a bottle). [SCENE_BREAK] (Cut to: The Jeffersonian. Int. Medical-Legal lab - An examination room. The boxes and packages from the SAYLES' garage are stacked around the room. Two blow-up dolls are laid out on light tables. CAM enters. ANGELA and ARASTOO are looking through the items). CAM: Oh... my God. Please tell me this has something to do with the case. ARASTOO: This comprises the contents of the Sayles' family garage. ANGELA: Brennan asked me and Arastoo to look for possible murder weapons. We did find the lube - it's enough to make the whole neighborhood smile. And there's this. (She holds up a leather and metal harness). CAM: Well, that looks... scary. (HODGINS enters). HODGINS: Wasn't a golf club. No brazing agent or titanium. ANG: Could it have been this? (She shows him an open box, he looks inside) HODGINS: Oh. Ouch. CAM: What about this lubricant? (Indicating the box of lubricant BOOTH found). HODGINS: No, it's not the right lube. (He refers to a file he is carrying). The lubricant in the fracture contains hexane silicone, mineral oil and propellant. Same kind used to lubricate a bicycle chain. (Arastoo looks around the room he spots a pointed weapon). ARASTOO: I think I found the weapon. (He holds up a Neighborhood Watch sign attached to a spike) This point matches the puncture wound. CAM: There's one of those signs on every lawn on the cul-de-sac. HODGINS: Bob Sayles was the head of the Neighborhood Watch. He's the one that distributed signs. CAM: Huh. You're gonna need to luminal every sign on Verbena Court. ANGELA: You're gonna tell me to stop looking through all of this stuff now, aren't you? CAM: I'm afraid so. I'll go tell Booth about the lube. (CAM and HODGINS exit via opposite doors). ANGELA: Spoilsport. Finding likely murder weapons way too fast. (She throws him the box she showed HODGINS earlier, he catches it instinctively then sees what it is and drops it quickly looking embarrassed). [SCENE_BREAK] (Cut to: Ext. Verbena Court. BRENNAN watches the activity in the street. HODGINS has a lawn sign and sprays its spike with what we assume is luminal). BRENNAN: Any blood, Hodgins? (HODGINS shakes his head. HODGINS and an FBI Technician continue lifting signs from lawns and spraying them. PAULA stands watching HODGINS. MARY KAY is on her driveway working on her bicycle. BOOTH appears). BOOTH: (To HODGINS). Nothing? (HODGINS shakes his head. We see JAMES and NATE, JAMES begins cycling. ELLIOT is also setting off on his bicycle. TREY comes to stand with PAIGE who is watching the scene. HODGINS sprays the BESSETTE's sign as KELLY BESSETTE leaves her house). HODGINS: Booth. BOOTH: Yeah? HODGINS: We're testing positive for blood here. Someone stabbed him with his own sign. (KELLY BESSETTE looks shocked, JAMES and ELLIOT stop cycling. BOOTH and BRENNAN - now stood together - see MARY KAY, the metal cleat on the sole of her shoe is visible). BRENNAN: Curved, metallic object I thought might be a golf club, her shoes. (MARY KAY sprays her bicycle chain from a can). BOOTH: Silicone lubricant. BRENNAN: (Approaching MARY KAY).You kicked Kurt Bessette in the head while he was lying in the pebbles. (JAMES - now on foot approaches MARY KAY, ELLIOT, still on his bike watches). BOOTH: You were with James Perry and Elliot Lindbergh that morning. BRENNAN: The three of you each gave him a separate blow. Any one of you could have taken the saw from the gardener's truck. BOOTH: And the sign from his lawn. JAMES: We have alibis. BOOTH: You're each other's alibis. All three of you were together at the time of death. BRENNAN: Your alibi just turned into an anti-alibi. (ELLIOT makes a break for it on his bicycle). BOOTH: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. (BOOTH drags ELLIOT off his bike and pushes him onto the hood of a car as he tries to cycle away). Take these three into custody, please. (Two uniformed officers approach MARY KAY and JAMES). OFFICER 1: Yes, sir! OFFICER 2: Got it! OFFICER 1: Hands behind your back now. OFFICER 2: Right now! Let's go! (PAULA, PAIGE, TREY, NATE and KELLY BESSETTE look on as the three are arrested). (Cut to: Ext. Verbena Court. SWEETS stands on the sidewalk facing BOOTH and BRENNAN who lean back against a parked car). BRENNAN: Three separate injuries to the body and... three suspects. BOOTH: Access to the luau pit. BRENNAN: The evidence indicates that we caught the murderers. SWEETS: Yeah, I believe you did catch the right people. BOOTH: Okay, then what's your problem? SWEETS: Motive. BRENNAN: James Perry was angry that Kurt poisoned the dog. Elliot Lindbergh was ripped off for $5000. SWEETS: Right. My problem is, all these motives were a long time cooking, right? These weapons - a sign, the hedge trimmers, kicking him - all suggest...heat of the moment, right? Not premeditation. BOOTH: So you want to know why they all snapped at that precise moment. SWEETS: Yeah, yeah. Now, picture it. (He moves to stand in the street, BOOTH and BRENNAN turn to face him). It's dawn; three cyclists are heading out. (He points to where they would have come from). They spot Kurt. (He points to KURT's yard). They approach him for some reason. They argue, and then, with all this pent-up rage, they attack. One slice, one jab, one kick. BRENNAN: They didn't know that he was full of the blood thinner, that he would die from the assault. Why does this matter? We already have the people responsible. SWEETS: 'Cause it's knowledge, Dr. Brennan. It's insight into humans. It's why I do what I do. BOOTH: It's a good answer, Bones. BRENNAN: It was a good answer. Fine. Okay, Kurt must have violated some ethos of the suburbs. BOOTH: Like cheating on his wife or ripping off his neighbors. SWEETS: Those are all accepted derivations of the suburban ethos. BRENNAN: Cam said that one of her neighbors had his garage burned down for cutting his lawn on the diagonal. (We suddenly become aware of a loud squeaking noise coming from the wind turbine. They all stare up at it). BRENNAN: The windmill. SWEETS: It was the last straw. It's ugly, makes a horrible sound, destroys home values... BOOTH: It's the diagonal lawn of Verbena Court. [SCENE_BREAK] (Cut to: The Jeffersonian. Int. Medical-Legal lab - The mezzanine. HODGINS pours a glass of clear liquid from a conical flask. He moves to offer the drink to ARASTOO who sits with CAM and ANGELA on the sofas). HODGINS: Okay, this is basically vodka with a very, very subtle hint of pepper. ARASTOO: (He waves the glass away). None for me. (HODGINS sits and hands the drink to ANGELA). CAM: Okay, it's technically illegal moonshine, but we are scientists honing our craft. ARASTOO: I don't drink alcohol. ANGELA: Okay, let's have it. ARASTOO: Have what? HODGINS: How do you balance an archaic religious belief with a life devoted to science? ARASTOO: This discussion is exactly what I hoped to avoid. CAM: It's not our fault you let the accent slip. ARASTOO: There's no conflict between Allah and science. Allah created the mystery of the world, and science struggles, and mostly fails, to explain it. But the search for truth is honorable, and I honor Allah through the search for truth. HODGINS: I get that. But what's with the "Kill the infidel" routine? ARASTOO: It's times like this I wish I drank alcohol. ANGELA: Well, "Fight and slay the unbeliever." ARASTOO: I prefer the other option, which is to enslave the unbeliever. (CAM and ANGELA look shocked). It's a joke. CAM: Ha. HODGINS: That was funny. ARASTOO: Is this part done? CAM: Not quite. I have one more question. (She rises holding an empty glass). If you took the all-time greatest Celtics players and put them against the all-time greatest Lakers, who would win? (She goes to the conical flask and pours herself a drink). ARASTOO: Including the years when the Lakers played in Minneapolis? (CAM nods). Definitely the Celtics. HODGINS: Okay, I got one, I got one. Pit the all-time greatest Christians against the all-time greatest Muslims. (As CAM returns to her seat she slaps HODGINS on the back of the head). ANGELA: (Laughing) Oh, you just got smote. HODGINS: Wow. (They all laugh). [SCENE_BREAK] (Cut to: Int. Royal Diner. BOOTH and BRENNAN sit at a table opposite PARKER they all have plates of food and drinks). BOOTH: This is fun. Isn't it fun? BRENNAN: Yes. I'm having fun. (Whispering to BOOTH) Is he? BOOTH: (BOOTH holds his drink in front of him to hide his face from PARKER. Whispering to BRENNAN). Bones, you can ask him yourself. (We see PARKER's face has marks where ANGELA's face paints have not washed away). BRENNAN: (To PARKER). Hey. Are you having fun? PARKER: Milk shakes are fun, and I'm having a milk shake. (He holds up his glass). So, yeah, I'm having fun. BRENNAN: That's an excellent syllogism. PARKER: She thinks I'm silly? BRENNAN: What-what's wrong? PARKER: He needs a girlfriend. BRENNAN: Well, why doesn't he have one? PARKER: I don't know. That's another thing we can't talk about until I have hair under my arms. BOOTH: Hey, I got a good idea. What do you say we all go bowling, get out of here, huh? PARKER: Couldn't you be his girlfriend? BOOTH: Buddy, you really gotta quit that. BRENNAN: That would be inappropriate. PARKER: Why? BRENNAN: Because... (She pauses). ...we work together. PARKER: That's a stupid reason. BOOTH: (Hiding his face with his drink and whispering). You know what? Bones, I'm really not comfortable with the questions that you're asking. BRENNAN: (Also hiding her face with her drink and whispering) Booth, could you maybe trust me for a second, trust that I can say the right thing? In the time that I've been with you, I've learned a lot about how to deal with people. (To PARKER). Your father is very, very good with people. PARKER: Then why doesn't he have a girlfriend? BOOTH: And we're off. (BRENNAN glares at him). Okay. All right, all right. BRENNAN: Can I ask you a question? Why do you think your father needs a girlfriend so much? BOOTH: (Hiding his face again). Okay, look, Bones, there's a whole gender-parent dealy-bob thing going on here. You're just going to confuse him. PARKER: So I can have a pool. BRENNAN: He doesn't sound confused. BOOTH: A pool? PARKER: Lasky's dad got a pool with his girlfriend. Oh, you mean Lasky with the, uh, third nostril? PARKER: Lasky's dad got a girlfriend. Then, they got married and moved to a house with a pool. Maybe, if you got married, you'd move to a house with a pool that I could swim in. BRENNAN: Well, he seems extremely clear on why he wants you to get a girlfriend. I don't know why you didn't just ask him. BOOTH: So, the whole reason you wanted me to get a girlfriend was so that you could have a pool? PARKER: Mm-hmm. Why else would I care? BRENNAN: There is a pool in my building... (She starts removing a key from her key chain). ...that the two of you can use as my guests anytime. (She places the key on the table. BOOTH takes it). PARKER: Awesome. That's awesome, right, Dad? BRENNAN: No, not awesome. Simple Socratic method of solving a problem. BOOTH: Nope. Mm-mm, Parker is right. You're awesome, Bones. BRENNAN: Yeah. I'm awesome. (PARKER nods.) Cheers. (BRENNAN raises her glass and PARKER clinks his own against hers). END.

The team investigates the remains that were found in a barbecue pit during a suburban neighborhood block party, leading to several secrets about the residents in the neighborhood being exposed. Iranian intern Arastoo confesses to everyone that he has been faking his accent and explains why he did so. Booth's son Parker seems concerned that his dad does not have a girlfriend.

fd_The_Big_Bang_Theory_08x24

fd_The_Big_Bang_Theory_08x24_0

[ The apartment ] [SCENE_BREAK] Amy: Can you believe it's been five years since our first date? Sheldon: I know. Do you think I should start watching The Flash TV show? Amy: That's what you're thinking about? Sheldon: Well, one of the things. Amy: Are any of them me? Sheldon: Yes. I thought, "I can't decide if I should watch The Flash TV show. I know, I'll ask Amy." Anyway... Amy: What are you doing? Sheldon: You're right, you did kind of kill the mood. Amy: I didn't kill anything. You did, talking about your stupid TV show. Sheldon: Excuse me. Starting to watch a television show that might run for years isn't a decision to take lightly. I'm wrestling with a big commitment issue here. Amy: Really? That's the commitment issue you're wrestling with? Sheldon, do you understand the irony of your fixation on a man with super speed, while after five years all I can get out of you is a distracted make-out session on a couch? Sheldon: Irony's not really my strong suit. But I have been getting better with sarcasm, if you want to give that a try. Amy: (sarcastically) Oh, sure, I'd love to. Sheldon: Whenever you're ready. [SCENE_BREAK] Our whole universe was in a hot, dense state Then nearly 14 billion years ago expansion started... Wait! The Earth began to cool The autotrophs began to drool, Neanderthals developed tools We built the Wall We built the pyramids Math, Science, History, unraveling the mystery That all started with a big bang Bang! Original Air Date on May 7, 2015 [SCENE_BREAK] [ The comic book store ] [SCENE_BREAK] Stuart: I don't want to rush you, but I'm closing a little early tonight. Raj: Ooh. Hot date? Stuart: Uh, no. I overheard Bernadette tell Howard she was making him a meat loaf, and you don't have to not ask me twice. Emily: If I stick a light bulb on this, wouldn't it make a great lamp for my bedroom? Raj: You're kidding, right? Emily: Oh. Is this freaking you out? Raj: I guess I'm just more of a Pottery Barn, Crate and Barrel kind of guy. Maybe Pier 1 if I really want to cut loose. Emily: All right. Never mind. Raj: No, no, no. Hey, you should totally get it. In fact, I'll buy it for you. Stuart: Sold. Emily: Raj, you don't have to do that. Stuart: Too late. No returns. [SCENE_BREAK] [ The stairwell ] [SCENE_BREAK] Leonard: That was really intense. Penny: Well, now we know, next time we go to the farmers' market, the order is petting zoo first, then buy vegetables. Leonard: Hey. Sheldon: Oh, good. You're here. I need your assistance. Leonard: Can it wait until I put a Band-Aid on a goat bite? Sheldon: What happened? Penny: Oh, your buddy got mugged by some baby farm animals. Sheldon: Been there. Penny: Mmm. So what do you need help with? Sheldon: Amy's mad at me, and I'm not clear why. Penny: Okay. Were you talking before she got upset? Sheldon: Yes. Penny: That's probably it. What'd you say to her? Sheldon: Well, I just asked her if I should start watching the new Flash TV series. Penny: And that made her angry? Sheldon: Baffling, right? We were necking like a couple of hooligans under the school bleachers. I stopped so I could ask the question. Next thing I know, good-bye, kissy face. Hello, yelly face. Penny: Well, Sheldon, when you're kissing a girl, she expects the attention to be on her. Sheldon: It was. I asked her if she thought I should watch The Flash. Penny: Yeah. I'm tapping out. Leonard? Leonard: I'm gonna guess that your main concern is the time commitment of watching an entire season of a new show. Sheldon: Oh, no, not just a season. If I'm in, I'm in for the whole run, even if the quality declines. Leonard: I get it. Smallville almost wrecked you. Sheldon: Yeah. Exactly. You know, I waited ten years to see a guy everyone knows can fly, fly. Penny: Wait, what is wrong with you two? He was talking about television during their date night. Sheldon: Oh, not just date night, our fifth anniversary. Penny: Okay, see, that's even dumber than you wondering if being bitten by a goat would give you the powers of a goat. Sheldon: If that happens, don't make me wait ten years to watch you eat a tin can. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Howard and Bernadette's house ] [SCENE_BREAK] Raj: You guys ever notice that Emily has a bit of a twisted side? Bernadette: You mean 'cause she has weird tattoos? Raj: No, because she wants to have s*x with me in a graveyard. Howard: One more time? Raj: She and I were supposed to watch the new Avengers movie tonight, but it was sold out. So I said, "What else do you want to do?" She said, "Let's go to a cemetery and do it on somebody's grave." Howard: Like, a random person or somebody she knew? Raj: What difference does it make? Howard: Well, if it's her father's grave and they didn't get along, then you know she holds a grudge. Bernadette: The only issue is that everybody has their own thing, and as long as it's two consenting adults, I guess I don't see the harm in it. Raj: Well, what if it's one consenting adult and one adult who pretends to consent because he's afraid of being alone? Bernadette: Well, then I guess bring a blanket. The grass gets damp at night. Raj: I don't know, guys. Maybe this relationship isn't for me. Maybe I should break up with her. Howard: (chuckles) Right. You're gonna break up with a girl who has s*x with you. Can you believe this guy? Bernadette: I think if Raj wants to break up with a girl, he can do it. Howard: How are you saying that with a straight face? Bernadette: (chuckling) I don't know. Raj: You guys are being jerks. Howard: Buddy, other than Jenny Craig, you've never broken up with a girl in your life. Raj: You're one to talk. You've been complaining about Stuart living here for the past year. I don't see you showing him the door. Howard: That's not the same thing. Emily's a person. Stuart's more like an infestation, something you spray for. Raj: Baloney, okay? You two are as afraid of hurting someone's feelings as I am. Bernadette: That's not true. We were just laughing right in your face. [SCENE_BREAK] [ The apartment ] [SCENE_BREAK] Penny: Thanks for cooking. Leonard: Mmm. My pleasure. Penny: That carrot was delicious. Leonard: Yeah. I wish I'd fought harder for the rest of 'em. Penny: Still haven't heard from her? Sheldon: No, and I'm confused. It's been nearly 24 hours. Amy should have figured out she's wrong by now. Penny: Hey, I don't think she's wrong about you going too slow in the relationship. Sheldon: Too slow? Penny: Yeah, you've been going out for years. You haven't even slept together. Sheldon: That's right. It's called foreplay. And I could make the case that you two aren't moving forward in your relationship. Penny: (scoffs) Uh, hello. Sheldon: Hello. Penny: No. Sheldon, we're getting married. Sheldon: But you've been engaged for over a year now, and you don't even have a wedding date. Penny: Well, we will. We're just not in a rush. Sheldon: Okay. Leonard: We're gonna set a date. Sheldon: Okay. If you say so. Penny: Yeah, it's just, things are good right now. Leonard: Really good. Penny: I'm focusing on my job. Leonard: And we've been busy with our paper. Penny: So busy. Leonard: Yeah, we'll pick a date when we pick a date. Penny: Yeah. Sheldon: Okay. Penny: You know, I can see why Amy's mad at you. Sheldon: Yeah, shut up, Sheldon. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Howard and Bernadette's house ] [SCENE_BREAK] Bernadette: Did you eat all my yoghurt? Howard: You mean the one that makes ladies do the thing that ladies pretend they don't do even though they do? Bernadette: You know... which yoghurt I mean. Howard: I didn't touch it. Must have been Stuart. Bernadette: (sighs) Maybe Raj is right. Maybe it's time we tell him he needs to move out. Howard: We should have done it months ago. Bernadette: I know, but his store was reopening, and then there were the holidays, and then he was sick. Howard: (groans) Yeah, right. Sick. He didn't have jaundice. He just looks like that. Bernadette: All right. Tonight's the night. Howard: Agreed. When he gets home, I'm dropping the hammer. Bernadette: Ooh, I like when you take charge. Howard: Oh, I'm not taking charge, you're the hammer. [SCENE_BREAK] [ The apartment ] [SCENE_BREAK] Leonard: So... why haven't we picked a date? Penny: You know why. Leonard: Well, of course I know why. But just for fun... why? Penny: Not in a rush, busy with work... Sheldon: Things are good right now. Penny: Really good. Leonard: You still want to get married, right? Penny: Oh, my God. Yes. Why would you even ask that? Leonard: I don't know. Because we don't have a date? Penny: Well, you want a date, pick a date. Leonard: It's not just the date. We haven't talked about anything. Big wedding, small wedding, indoor, outdoor? Sheldon: Outdoor? Oh. I can RSVP no right now. Penny: Okay, indoor it is. Big or small? Leonard: Is your dad paying for it? Penny: I doubt it. Leonard: Okay, two friends each. Penny: All right, well, I want it in a church. Leonard: Fine. I want black-tie. Penny: Fine. I want to release butterflies. Sheldon: Seriously? Airborne worms? Leonard: Okay. Well, then it's settled: small indoor church wedding, black-tie, no butterflies. Penny: Sounds perfect. Leonard: Great. Sheldon: You still didn't pick a date. Penny: Stay out of it. Leonard: Shut up. [SCENE_BREAK] [ A graveyard ] [SCENE_BREAK] Emily: Mmm. It's a beautiful night. Raj: Oh, yes, we've got the moon and the trees and Elizabeth McNulty, who apparently died when she was the same age I am. Emily: Makes you feel alive, doesn't it? Raj: So does enjoying a meal at a well-lit restaurant, but here we are. Emily: You aren't scared, are you? Raj: Of ghosts, no. Of you, little bit. [SCENE_BREAK] [ The apartment ] [SCENE_BREAK] Sheldon: I'm sorry I've upset you. I shouldn't have asked so many questions. Penny: No, it's okay. Leonard: Yeah, maybe it's good you got us talking about this stuff. Sheldon: Well, look at that, even when I'm causing problems, I make the world a better place. Hey, next, why don't we tackle your penchant for whining and Penny's love of the ol' glug-glug? Penny: Uh, Sheldon, I think we're good for now. Sheldon: Ah, well... very well. So does this mean you'll finally pick a wedding date? Penny: (sighs) Here we go again. Why is everyone so concerned with us setting a date? We're committed to each other. We're happy. A ceremony isn't gonna change anything. Sheldon: So you're never getting married? It's his whining, isn't it? Leonard: Sheldon, I'm not a whiner. Sheldon: It's amusing that he doesn't hear it. Leonard: Look, all she's saying is we are in love so it doesn't matter if we get married tomorrow or a year from now or 50 years from now. Penny: Ew, 50? We'll be old and gross. Leonard: Yeah, but we'll be old and gross together. Sheldon: My aunt and uncle were married 63 years. Towards the end, it was like watching cheese melt. Penny: Um... I'm free tonight. Leonard: Are you saying you want to get married? Penny: Vegas isn't that far away. Leonard: I'm in. Let's do it. Sheldon: After all these years. I'm really happy for the two of you. Penny: Oh, thank you. Leonard: Thanks. Sheldon: Now get out of my spot. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Howard and Bernadette's house ] [SCENE_BREAK] Howard: Bernie, Stuart just pulled up. So remember, the key is to be firm. Show no weakness. Bernadette: Right. Howard: Good luck. Bernadette: Howard Joel Wolowitz, you get back here. Howard: (mutters) Never should have told you my middle name. Stuart: Hey, guys. Howard: Hey, you got a minute? Stuart: Sure. Uh, let me just put this stuff in the fridge. I felt bad for finishing your yoghurt, so I bought more. And, Howard, your favourite fruit is in season. Crunch Berries. Bernadette: Don't let that sway you. Howard: It's hard not to. They taste so much better than real berries. Stuart: What's up? Bernadette: So... we need to talk. [SCENE_BREAK] [ The graveyard ] [SCENE_BREAK] Emily: You okay? Raj: I think we should talk. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Howard and Bernadette's house ] [SCENE_BREAK] Stuart: Is everything okay? Bernadette: Well... you've been living here a while now. Stuart: I know. I may sell comic books at work, but the real superheroes are sitting right in front of me. Bernadette: Yeah... Howard: His middle name is David. Go. [SCENE_BREAK] [ The graveyard ] [SCENE_BREAK] Raj: Look, I care about you a lot, but we are very different people. Emily: Are you breaking up with me? Raj: No, no, I'm just pointing out that you're dark on the inside and I'm dark on the outside. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Howard and Bernadette's house ] [SCENE_BREAK] Bernadette: So, anyway, what I'm trying to say is... (phone rings) Howard: You need to take that? Stuart: It's just my dad, probably calling to wish me a happy birthday. I'll call him back. You were saying? [SCENE_BREAK] [ The graveyard ] [SCENE_BREAK] Emily: Look, Raj, be honest with me. If you want to end things, just do it. Don't expect me to do it for you. Raj: End things? I'm trying to tell you that I love you. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Howard and Bernadette's house ] [SCENE_BREAK] Howard and Bernadette: Happy birthday to you. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Leonard's car ] [SCENE_BREAK] Penny: Wow, there's a Denny's in Vegas you can actually get married in. Leonard: (chuckles) Doesn't sound very romantic. Penny: Yeah, but we could get heart-shaped pancakes. Leonard: I'm sure we'll find a decent chapel. Penny: Yeah. This is crazy! Leonard: I know! You think people are gonna be mad? Penny: Maybe. But this isn't about them; it's about us. Leonard: It is. It is about us. Penny: And you know what the best part is? We took our time. I mean, we met, we were friends for a couple years, then we got together, and then we got untogether, then we worked out all our problems, and now we know everything about each other, we can just go forward with no surprises and no regrets. Leonard: Right. No surprises. Penny: And no regrets. Leonard: Uh, well, there- there's one thing I feel I should tell you. Penny: What? Leonard: You know, so we can go into this with no secrets between us. Penny: What? Leonard: Remember, uh, a couple years back when I was on that research ship in the North Sea? Penny: Yeah. Leonard: Okay, well, there, there was a lot of drinking and craziness going on... Penny: No, you told me. Leonard: Okay, um... well, there was this girl. Penny: What did you do? Leonard: Nothing... really. It was just kissing. Penny: And then what? Leonard: And then nothing. I stopped it. But it still bothers me... and I wanted you to know. Penny: All right. Leonard: Did you ever do anything like this since we've been? Penny: Nope, never. Leonard: Oh, that's too bad. Penny: You know, can I ask you a question? Leonard: Hmm? Penny: Why are you telling me this now? Leonard: Well, like I said, we're about to get married, and I-I want a clean slate. No secrets. Penny: Really? Be- Because to me, it seems like we're about to get married and you're trying to sabotage it. Leonard: W-Would you rather I didn't tell you? Penny: No, I don't want there to be secrets between us. Leonard: See, now I'm confused. I mean, what- what am I supposed to do? Penny: Uh, keep your mouth off other women. Leonard: I can do that. Uh, uh, f-from now on, this mouth, you and food, that's it. Penny: (sighs) Okay. Leonard: Yeah? Penny: Look, I'm not happy this happened, but I think I can get past it. I mean, we weren't engaged at the time, and it was just kissing. Leonard: Right. Penny: Just kissing. Leonard: It wasn't even very good. She was a smoker, I'd just been seasick... Penny: Okay, that's enough. Stop talking. Leonard: So... we're still getting married? Penny: Yes. Leonard: Because we love each other. Penny: Yes. Leonard: And it's the happiest day of our lives. Penny: (short laugh) Don't push it. [SCENE_BREAK] [ The apartment ] [SCENE_BREAK] (line ringing) Amy: Hello. Sheldon: Hello. Listen, I've been thinking a lot about relationships and how difficult they can be, and I think... Amy: I've been thinking about them, too, Sheldon. Being your girlfriend is so challenging. Emotionally, physically. I've been incredibly patient for years. Sheldon: Strongly disagree. Go on. Amy: Okay, well, this isn't easy to say, because I love you, but I need some time to take a step back and re-evaluate our situation. Sheldon: Oh. Amy: I hope you understand. Sheldon: Okay. Amy: Bye, Sheldon. Sheldon: Well, Gollum, you're an expert on rings. What do I do with this one?

While making out on the fifth anniversary of their first date, Sheldon offends Amy by debating whether he should watch The Flash instead of focusing on her as she wonders where they are going in their relationship. Sheldon doesn't understand why everyone thinks their relationship has moved too slowly, pointing out that Leonard and Penny have not discussed their wedding plans in months. Amy tells Sheldon she needs to take a break from the relationship to figure out what to do, leaving Sheldon unsure of what to do with the engagement ring he got her. After deflecting Sheldon's questions, Leonard and Penny decide to elope in Las Vegas. While driving there, Leonard admits he drunkenly kissed another woman two years ago while on the boat in the North Sea. Penny is upset but appears to forgive him as they weren't engaged then. Howard and Bernadette want Stuart to move out, but always find a reason not to bring it up. They finally get up the nerve to tell him, only to back off when they realize it is his birthday. Raj is spooked out by Emily's latest morbid idea: having sex in a graveyard. While having a picnic there, he says they are very different people and it appears he wants to break up, but when Emily confronts him he instead says he loves her.