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231,001 | I have information that will lead to Hillary Clinton's arrest. [deleted] |
231,002 | What do you call a Mexican bodybuilder without a protein shake? No whey Jose |
231,003 | What do you call promoting a broom to the highest rank in the military? A Sweeping Generalization. |
231,004 | A nurse comes in and tells a doc... ..."there's a man in the waiting room that thinks he's invisible. What should I tell him?" Doc says, "Tell him I can't see him today." |
231,005 | "Blow me." -Soup. |
231,006 | When I was little, my uncle gave me a warning about anal sex... He said, "this is going to hurt a bit." |
231,007 | Why did the lion eat the tightrope walker? He wanted a well balanced meal. |
231,008 | Why is a great tune like great unprotected sex? The malady lingers on long after it's over ... |
231,009 | I think maybe the key to eating healthy is not eating any food that has a TV commercial. |
231,010 | Why do mermaids wear seashells? Because their boobs are too big for b-shells. |
231,011 | I was at the ATM the other day and this old lady asked me to help her check her balance So I pushed her. |
231,012 | How did the blind man pass the eye exam? He just kept walking |
231,013 | ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go? GF: not until u put on something less hideous TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary |
231,014 | you'll know you're a grown-up when you keep fifteen unnecessary pillows on your bed |
231,015 | What do you call the Skunk who wears khaki's and goes to private school? Preppy le Pew |
231,016 | Looking for a nice, wholesome girl I can bring home to mom. She only dates nice, wholesome girls |
231,017 | I could tell you a rape joke But it would sound forced |
231,018 | Starbucks can't be racist. Almost every drink they serve is black or mixed. |
231,019 | Thanks phone, for being strong every time I dropped you. |
231,020 | When the female lead of Pirates of the Caribbean visits Japan... Do you think she has a Kirin nightly? |
231,021 | A doe runs out of the forest and says "That's the last time I do that for two bucks." |
231,022 | A cannibal's dillema: If God didn't want us to eat people why did he make them out of meat? |
231,023 | Why shouldn't Donald Trump take Viagra as President? Instead of Melania, he will try to f*** every Juan. |
231,024 | What did the apple tell the annoying orange? Citrus down. |
231,025 | At some point during texting, a text is sent that means: "This is the end of the conversation. I'm gonna do something interesting now." |
231,026 | Yo mama so fat, when she stands next to yo daddy they still in a long-distance relationship. |
231,027 | There are two types of people in the world... 1. People who are bad with lists. |
231,028 | What kind of phone does a molester have? the iTouch. ( lame but I made it up in class when I was like 15 lmfao) |
231,029 | A frog parked his car in the handicapped spot. It got toad. |
231,030 | I combined National Pancake Day with International Women's Day Took my wife to IHOP and ordered a stack of pancakes for myself, and 8/10ths of a stack for her. |
231,031 | Misleading title Bad punchline |
231,032 | You know you're ugly when it comes to a group picture and they hand you the camera. |
231,033 | I'm too embarrassed to tell you how many times I've mistaken insulation for cotton candy. |
231,034 | When I meet a celebrity I like to bring a ceiling fan with me so I can be all "Nice to meet you. Big fan". |
231,035 | If anyone lost a roll of hundred dollar bills, with a rubber band around it...... I found the rubber band. |
231,036 | All panties are edible if you're hungry enough. |
231,037 | How do women defy the laws of physics? The heavier they are, the easier to pick up! |
231,038 | How many cops does it take to change a light bulb? (None, they just beat the room for being black) |
231,039 | How do you greet a racist murderer? Good morning officer . |
231,040 | What did the gay deer say after leaving the bar? I can't believe I blew 50 bucks back there! |
231,041 | [car dealership] WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k ME: we'll double that |
231,042 | What's the difference between a scaffold and a magnet? A magnet only has two Poles. |
231,043 | I tell all the girls I chat to that I last ages in bed. It sounds better than telling them I'm on the dole, and don't get up until lunchtime. |
231,044 | Saying "oh my gosh you're getting so big!" is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend. |
231,045 | I know many chemistry jokes... But im afraid they wont get a good reaction. |
231,046 | Q: Have you ever tasted Ethiopian food? A: Neither have they! |
231,047 | What gives you uncontrollable gas? Nazis |
231,048 | A guy's ego. |
231,049 | What do you call a sad coffee? A depresso hahaha fuck you all |
231,050 | I'm pretty sure that if Walt Disney watched Disney Channel today, he would cry. |
231,051 | Who envokes the most hatred out of male athletes? Caitlyn Jenner, because she's a far superior athlete to almost every man on the planet. |
231,052 | If I mess up at the beginning of a video game I just start over. This rule applies to life too. Used wrong exit on Fwy, calling it a day... |
231,053 | My 2 year old has a pretty big attitude considering that I'm the only one who can open the fridge. |
231,054 | Driver " I'm very sorry to learn that your wife ran away with your driver " said the friend to the old man. " oh, don't worry, I can drive " |
231,055 | How many Friend Zoned guys does it take to change a light bulb? None. They just compliment it and get mad when it won't screw. |
231,056 | You know what's messed up to find at the bottom of a jar of mayonnaise? A condom. haha |
231,057 | I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrodinger house is quite stressful. |
231,058 | A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, "why the long face?" & the horse says, "why the English Lit degree?" |
231,059 | Jew joke What is the difference between a Jew and a pizza? They don't scream when you put them in a oven! |
231,060 | What do you call a speeding vegetable? Michael Schumacher. |
231,061 | A boy goes into a stripclub... When he comes home, his mom asks him: "Son, did you see anything you aren't supposed to see there?" The son replies, "Ya, I saw dad." |
231,062 | Who was the nose's favorite Christian mystic? Nostrildamus |
231,063 | I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better. |
231,064 | Met a hooker who said she'd do anything for $5 So I banged her. |
231,065 | What will be served at Trump's inagural dinner? Crackers. |
231,066 | What do Taylor Swift and Charlie Sheen have in common? Bad blood. |
231,067 | What do you call a 5 year old with no friends? A sandyhook survivor. .... |
231,068 | Imagine a masonry wall... Now, picture just one piece of it... This, my friends, is a mental block. |
231,069 | eer booze and fun!' 'WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you. |
231,070 | The 3 tragedies. The 3 tragedies in a man's life: 1) Life sucks. 2) Job sucks. 3) Wife doesn't. |
231,071 | What are the two best arguments against democracy? Donald Trump & Hillary Clinton |
231,072 | I told my girlfriend to apply for a job at the pet store 'cause she really knows how to handle a cock 'r two |
231,073 | I've decided to sell my vacuum cleaner... ...well, it was just collecting dust:). |
231,074 | What did the horse say when he regained his vision? Merci. |
231,075 | I've written a book about reverse psychology Please don't buy it. |
231,076 | It's hard to look like a badass when you're slurping on a strawberry smoothie. |
231,077 | Tim Burton could've saved a lot of money on 'The Nightmare Before Christmas' and just shown a 2016 Facebook Year in Review instead. |
231,078 | Renewing public sector is like moving a graveyard. You won't get much help from those already there. |
231,079 | Raheem is a Pakistani orphan boy who has to walk 5 miles to reach his school.. but with your help of a few pennies a month..we can buy a whip and make the lazy bastard run. |
231,080 | So this black guys stopped me on the subway and asked "did the Yankees win?" I looked him in the eye and said "Yes, it's ok, you're free now" |
231,081 | What's an Australian kiss? It's like a French kiss, just down under. |
231,082 | I have no problem admitting that you made a mistake. |
231,083 | A blind man stands in a store whirling a dog around his head with the leash. A saleswoman asks "May I help you, sir?" "Nah, just looking around." |
231,084 | Why did the sperm cross the road? Because it was my first wank in a week |
231,085 | The door is not ajar. It's a door, silly! |
231,086 | The world has become so politically correct these days... ...that you can't say black paint anymore... You have to say "Tyrone, please paint my fence." |
231,087 | What did the pirate say when his wife kept asking him about the steering wheel in his pants? "Yargg! Woman! Stop asking me! You're driving me nuts!" |
231,088 | Went to "The Social Network." I ran into people I didn't like in high school and they kept showing me pictures of their kids. |
231,089 | Why couldn't Hitler change a lightbulb? It was just out of his reich. |
231,090 | Why do people go to the gym again? Do they not know what a nap is? |
231,091 | Sometimes I think Scientology was secretly started by Mormons so they could have a religion to make fun of. |
231,092 | Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald's burgers! Hamburgler's Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect. |
231,093 | Made in Thailand Have you heard of the mountain climber from Bangkok? He became famous as the Thai of the Eiger. ~ Who won the election for mayor of Bangkok? It was a Thai. |
231,094 | What is Germany's favorite game? Mein Kampf |
231,095 | What do you get when you cross a Mexican with an Asian? A car thief who can't drive. |
231,096 | ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren't here THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know |
231,097 | What do you get from 3 girls from Arkansas? Damn near a whole set of teeth. |
231,098 | How are children like eggs? They both taste better after you beat them. |
231,099 | Whiteboards are just the best In fact, they're remarkable |
231,100 | she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay |