ID
int64 1
232k
| Joke
stringlengths 10
200
|
|---|---|
231,101 | I feel a weird sense of pride when I'm so drunk that autocorrect just gives up. |
231,102 | I'm white and I don't tell racist jokes because racism is a crime, and crime is for black people. |
231,103 | They should make a tabletop game about space marines saving for retirement Call it Warhammer 401k |
231,104 | What's the difference between PirateBay and 9/11? One is piracy and the other is CONSpiracy |
231,105 | A cabbage walks into a bar wearing a red leaf. The bartender takes one look at it and asks another patron how they feel about the cabbages bold new look. The patron replies, "I think it's ridic yo." |
231,106 | Reddit is like a whirlpool... Once it sucks you in you cannot escape. |
231,107 | No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ's face I don't think he's going to play them. Here come the police they'll help me |
231,108 | Why didn't the doctor use Twitter to tell the patient that he had a deadly disease? Because the condition was untweetable. |
231,109 | Back in the good old days when... Men were men... and boys were men. and women were men... |
231,110 | This girl winked at me and said she wanted to go somewhere quiet. So I took her to the library. |
231,111 | What did Hitler say when the barber shaved his head? Mine hair!! |
231,112 | What do beef hearts smell like? Honey. |
231,113 | Romantic Remembrance by Valentine Card |
231,114 | I was walking in a chemistry lab. I tripped on some acid. |
231,115 | My uncle's wife... My uncle's wife used to stay awake at night planning how to take the law into her own hands. She was my vigilauntie. |
231,116 | At my age, a "stiffy" is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning. |
231,117 | My ex-girlfriend tried joining the slut club... But all their positions were filled. |
231,118 | How do you catch a unique rabbit? Unique up on it. How do you catch a tame rabbit? Tame way, unique up on it. |
231,119 | Energizer Bunny arrested! Charged with battery. |
231,120 | Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went. |
231,121 | I think I'm indecisive... but I'm not really sure. |
231,122 | So I was having sex with a crazy girl. I was fucking insane ... |
231,123 | How do you starve a lazy person. You put the welfare check in his work boots. |
231,124 | Did you hear about the woodworker who died when he fell into a vat of varnish? It was a terrible end, but a beautiful finish. |
231,125 | Your momma is so dumb jokes your momma is so dumb she sits on the tv and watches the couch |
231,126 | What's the worst part about being a redneck? Having to see your ex at family gatherings. |
231,127 | I bought a smart TV It doesn't show Trump |
231,128 | What did the cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend? Wiped his ass |
231,129 | Wife: We need to go to the store. We're out of milk. Me: We can wait a few days. Wife: We're out of beer. Me: *dives in the car* |
231,130 | No need to write it down, I've a photographic memory *looks hard af* *pukes polaroid* |
231,131 | What do you get when you cross a Jew with a Chinese person? Cha-Ching |
231,132 | How long does an owl live? Six and a half books. |
231,133 | The Pokemon Champs The pokemon shooters should've blocked the exits if they wanted to be successful, "gotta catch em all," remember! |
231,134 | You do not want to see me before I've had my coffee! And I don't want to see you after, so now what? |
231,135 | A member of the Army Corps of Engineers was working on the design of the bottom of an android "What exactly is going on?", I asked. He replied, "A Major engineering feet." |
231,136 | Why did the hipster burn his mouth? He drank his coffee before it was cool. |
231,137 | The five unwritten rules of life 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. |
231,138 | How do you say "I'm sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day." in Korean? |
231,139 | Good friends are just like snowballs. They go away if you pee on them. |
231,140 | Sorry I said you looked like black Garfield in your Catwoman costume. |
231,141 | "WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!" Can you please stop being so melondramatic. |
231,142 | Calling someone average is mean but I think they are the mean |
231,143 | I just flew in from Chernobyl And boy are my arms legs. |
231,144 | Sometimes I wake up Grumpy... other times I let her sleep. |
231,145 | I want to be a virgin all my life I want to set a good example for my kids |
231,146 | Old enough to know better, but still too drunk to care. |
231,147 | Favorite Doubles: 1. Scotch 2. Cheeseburgers 3. Bourbon 4. Entendres 5. Dipping |
231,148 | Obamacare. |
231,149 | me: i'm here for stabbing lessons clerk: sir this is a fencing clu me: yeah whatever hand me a knife clerk: ... me: dress me like a beekeeper |
231,150 | What's the trick to satisfying your wife or girlfriend with only 3.5 inches? Visa or Mastercard? |
231,151 | How did people know Patrick Stewart was crying? Because he bawled. |
231,152 | My girlfriend has a fire crotch. Or as it's scientifically known, "Chlamydia". |
231,153 | A man walks into a bar. *"Son-of-a-bitch!"* |
231,154 | Someone just stole my lemon loaf.... Out of everything that happened today, they really took the cake |
231,155 | One time I was checking out this really hot girl and she paid me for it because I was a grocery store cashier. |
231,156 | "You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder." "Look, I'm a lot of things--" "Are you a murderer?" [bites lower lip] "Little bit." |
231,157 | My parents thought I am their treasure They want to bury me to the ground |
231,158 | I hate when the definition of a word has other words that I have to look up also. |
231,159 | Doctor: You seem to be in excellent health. Your pulse is as regular as clockwork. Patient: That's because you've got your hand on my watch! |
231,160 | told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she's coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco |
231,161 | [alternate reality] [dogs walking their humans on leashes] dog1: have u heard of upman? dog2: whats upman? dog1: not much man whats up w/ u? |
231,162 | "Have you seen the film constipated?" "No?" "Has it come out yet?" |
231,163 | Why did the Ogre cry when he left the doctor's office? He was diagnosed with shrecktal cancer. |
231,164 | All conclusions should be drawn in crayon. |
231,165 | What did the egg say to the boiling water? I don't know if I can get hard I just got laid this morning! |
231,166 | Who is more enthusiastic about performing oral sex, fat men or skinny men? Fat men, they'll eat anything. |
231,167 | There are 3 types of people in this world. Those who can count and those who can't. |
231,168 | I just had to fire my Korean housekeeper... ...She kept trying to wok the dog. |
231,169 | An American and a German were playing "Thumb War" "One, two, three, four, I declare a thumb war." "Five, six, seven, eight, I use this hand to masturbate." "Einz, zwei, drei, so do I." |
231,170 | I wanna rock with you, but not all night. That's unrealistic. |
231,171 | Why do clumsy farmers make awesome DJ's? cause they're always dropping beets |
231,172 | When you're with the right person, you feel the perfect balance of happy and horny. |
231,173 | I just swallowed my record player's needle and nothing's happened to me, nothing's happened to me, nothing's happened to me, nothing's happe |
231,174 | This morning I had a 10 o'clock meeting and got there at 9:11. Too soon. |
231,175 | What did the grilled Seabass say at the Nuremberg trials? I was only following hors d'oeuvres. |
231,176 | What's the difference between a Porsche and a Skoda? Paul Walker wouldn't be seen dead in a Skoda. |
231,177 | Me: Get the tires rotated?? Don't they rotate enough while the car is moving? Mechanic: Omg you're right! What a scam. I truly apologize. |
231,178 | What's the difference between a blond and a washing machine? When you drop a load into a washing machine it doesn't follow you around for a week. |
231,179 | It doesn't matter if I go to church or the gym as long as I can act superior later, right? |
231,180 | Grab your taco, You've pulled a dyslexic Mexican. |
231,181 | What is brown, small, and smells of caramel? A diabetic who's been struck by lightning. |
231,182 | Why did the snowman smile? ...because he saw the snowblower coming. |
231,183 | Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage |
231,184 | National Survey Reports Pi day as America's Third-Most Underrated Holiday To me it's a little bit more than that. |
231,185 | Three positives Thursday afternoon in the office: Me: yay it's 1.45pm, Coworker: and it's Thursday, Me: three positives, Coworker: what's the third, Me: It's still cumming! |
231,186 | I crossed the road, walked into the bar and changed a lightbulb. It was at that moment I realised my life was a joke. |
231,187 | Mr. Salad asks Ms. Soup to go on a date. Ms. Soup accepts. "What should I wear?" Mr. Salad asks. She replies, "It doesn't matter to me, just be well dressed." |
231,188 | What's black and white . . . What's black and white and loves kids? Michael Jackson |
231,189 | You know what Forest Gumps WiFi password is? 1Forest1 |
231,190 | Knock Knock Who's there ! Cass ! Cass who ? Cass more flies with honey than vinegar ! |
231,191 | What do you call a Muslim on a plane? Soon to be detained for flying home to his family in Houston after a business trip. |
231,192 | Cats act so cool all year long & then Christmas comes and they eat tinsel. |
231,193 | The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven't been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean. |
231,194 | Did you hear the Miami Heat's new theme song? It's absolute fire |
231,195 | Girl anatomy jokes are not funny period. |
231,196 | How Long is a Chinaman |
231,197 | Walk up in the club like "THIS IS MY JAM" handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves |
231,198 | I cracked a beer at 9:11 this morning... Too soon? |
231,199 | If the angel Gabriel came from heaven how was he so sure that Mary was pregnant? |
231,200 | Help, my anus is trying to kill me! |