Datasets:

ysharma

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short_jokes_embeds

like 2

I feel a weird sense of pride when I'm so drunk that autocorrect just gives up.

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I'm white and I don't tell racist jokes because racism is a crime, and crime is for black people.

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They should make a tabletop game about space marines saving for retirement Call it Warhammer 401k

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What's the difference between PirateBay and 9/11? One is piracy and the other is CONSpiracy

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A cabbage walks into a bar wearing a red leaf. The bartender takes one look at it and asks another patron how they feel about the cabbages bold new look. The patron replies, "I think it's ridic yo."

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Reddit is like a whirlpool... Once it sucks you in you cannot escape.

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No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ's face I don't think he's going to play them. Here come the police they'll help me

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Why didn't the doctor use Twitter to tell the patient that he had a deadly disease? Because the condition was untweetable.

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Back in the good old days when... Men were men... and boys were men. and women were men...

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This girl winked at me and said she wanted to go somewhere quiet. So I took her to the library.

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What did Hitler say when the barber shaved his head? Mine hair!!

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What do beef hearts smell like? Honey.

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Romantic Remembrance by Valentine Card

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I was walking in a chemistry lab. I tripped on some acid.

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My uncle's wife... My uncle's wife used to stay awake at night planning how to take the law into her own hands. She was my vigilauntie.

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At my age, a "stiffy" is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.

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My ex-girlfriend tried joining the slut club... But all their positions were filled.

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How do you catch a unique rabbit? Unique up on it. How do you catch a tame rabbit? Tame way, unique up on it.

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Energizer Bunny arrested! Charged with battery.

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Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.

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I think I'm indecisive... but I'm not really sure.

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So I was having sex with a crazy girl. I was fucking insane ...

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How do you starve a lazy person. You put the welfare check in his work boots.

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Did you hear about the woodworker who died when he fell into a vat of varnish? It was a terrible end, but a beautiful finish.

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Your momma is so dumb jokes your momma is so dumb she sits on the tv and watches the couch

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What's the worst part about being a redneck? Having to see your ex at family gatherings.

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I bought a smart TV It doesn't show Trump

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What did the cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend? Wiped his ass

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Wife: We need to go to the store. We're out of milk. Me: We can wait a few days. Wife: We're out of beer. Me: *dives in the car*

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No need to write it down, I've a photographic memory *looks hard af* *pukes polaroid*

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What do you get when you cross a Jew with a Chinese person? Cha-Ching

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5.82948234e-03]

How long does an owl live? Six and a half books.

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The Pokemon Champs The pokemon shooters should've blocked the exits if they wanted to be successful, "gotta catch em all," remember!

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You do not want to see me before I've had my coffee! And I don't want to see you after, so now what?

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A member of the Army Corps of Engineers was working on the design of the bottom of an android "What exactly is going on?", I asked. He replied, "A Major engineering feet."

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Why did the hipster burn his mouth? He drank his coffee before it was cool.

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The five unwritten rules of life 1. 2. 3. 4. 5.

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How do you say "I'm sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day." in Korean?

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Good friends are just like snowballs. They go away if you pee on them.

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Sorry I said you looked like black Garfield in your Catwoman costume.

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"WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!" Can you please stop being so melondramatic.

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Calling someone average is mean but I think they are the mean

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I just flew in from Chernobyl And boy are my arms legs.

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Sometimes I wake up Grumpy... other times I let her sleep.

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I want to be a virgin all my life I want to set a good example for my kids

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Old enough to know better, but still too drunk to care.

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Favorite Doubles: 1. Scotch 2. Cheeseburgers 3. Bourbon 4. Entendres 5. Dipping

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Obamacare.

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me: i'm here for stabbing lessons clerk: sir this is a fencing clu me: yeah whatever hand me a knife clerk: ... me: dress me like a beekeeper

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What's the trick to satisfying your wife or girlfriend with only 3.5 inches? Visa or Mastercard?

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How did people know Patrick Stewart was crying? Because he bawled.

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My girlfriend has a fire crotch. Or as it's scientifically known, "Chlamydia".

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A man walks into a bar. *"Son-of-a-bitch!"*

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Someone just stole my lemon loaf.... Out of everything that happened today, they really took the cake

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One time I was checking out this really hot girl and she paid me for it because I was a grocery store cashier.

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"You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder." "Look, I'm a lot of things--" "Are you a murderer?" [bites lower lip] "Little bit."

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My parents thought I am their treasure They want to bury me to the ground

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I hate when the definition of a word has other words that I have to look up also.

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Doctor: You seem to be in excellent health. Your pulse is as regular as clockwork. Patient: That's because you've got your hand on my watch!

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told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she's coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco

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[alternate reality] [dogs walking their humans on leashes] dog1: have u heard of upman? dog2: whats upman? dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?

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"Have you seen the film constipated?" "No?" "Has it come out yet?"

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Why did the Ogre cry when he left the doctor's office? He was diagnosed with shrecktal cancer.

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All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.

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What did the egg say to the boiling water? I don't know if I can get hard I just got laid this morning!

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Who is more enthusiastic about performing oral sex, fat men or skinny men? Fat men, they'll eat anything.

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There are 3 types of people in this world. Those who can count and those who can't.

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I just had to fire my Korean housekeeper... ...She kept trying to wok the dog.

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An American and a German were playing "Thumb War" "One, two, three, four, I declare a thumb war." "Five, six, seven, eight, I use this hand to masturbate." "Einz, zwei, drei, so do I."

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I wanna rock with you, but not all night. That's unrealistic.

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Why do clumsy farmers make awesome DJ's? cause they're always dropping beets

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When you're with the right person, you feel the perfect balance of happy and horny.

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I just swallowed my record player's needle and nothing's happened to me, nothing's happened to me, nothing's happened to me, nothing's happe

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This morning I had a 10 o'clock meeting and got there at 9:11. Too soon.

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What did the grilled Seabass say at the Nuremberg trials? I was only following hors d'oeuvres.

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What's the difference between a Porsche and a Skoda? Paul Walker wouldn't be seen dead in a Skoda.

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Me: Get the tires rotated?? Don't they rotate enough while the car is moving? Mechanic: Omg you're right! What a scam. I truly apologize.

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What's the difference between a blond and a washing machine? When you drop a load into a washing machine it doesn't follow you around for a week.

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It doesn't matter if I go to church or the gym as long as I can act superior later, right?

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Grab your taco, You've pulled a dyslexic Mexican.

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What is brown, small, and smells of caramel? A diabetic who's been struck by lightning.

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Why did the snowman smile? ...because he saw the snowblower coming.

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Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage

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National Survey Reports Pi day as America's Third-Most Underrated Holiday To me it's a little bit more than that.

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Three positives Thursday afternoon in the office: Me: yay it's 1.45pm, Coworker: and it's Thursday, Me: three positives, Coworker: what's the third, Me: It's still cumming!

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I crossed the road, walked into the bar and changed a lightbulb. It was at that moment I realised my life was a joke.

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Mr. Salad asks Ms. Soup to go on a date. Ms. Soup accepts. "What should I wear?" Mr. Salad asks. She replies, "It doesn't matter to me, just be well dressed."

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What's black and white . . . What's black and white and loves kids? Michael Jackson

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You know what Forest Gumps WiFi password is? 1Forest1

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Knock Knock Who's there ! Cass ! Cass who ? Cass more flies with honey than vinegar !

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What do you call a Muslim on a plane? Soon to be detained for flying home to his family in Houston after a business trip.

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2.97527704e-02]

Cats act so cool all year long & then Christmas comes and they eat tinsel.

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The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven't been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean.

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4.20099162e-02]

Did you hear the Miami Heat's new theme song? It's absolute fire

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Girl anatomy jokes are not funny period.

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How Long is a Chinaman

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Walk up in the club like "THIS IS MY JAM" handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves

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I cracked a beer at 9:11 this morning... Too soon?

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If the angel Gabriel came from heaven how was he so sure that Mary was pregnant?

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Help, my anus is trying to kill me!

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