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Biden Approves Controversial Oil Drilling Project In Alaska #~# The Biden administration approved a massive $8 billion drilling project in Alaska for oil company ConocoPhillips, drawing objections from environmental groups who say it will speed up the climate breakdown and undermine food security. What do you think? |
Dad Bookmarks Rik Smits’ Wikipedia Page #~# GOSHEN, IN—After a cursory scanning of the 1,300-word online document about the retired basketball player led the man to decide he needed to have it at his fingertips in the future, local dad Mark Whitner bookmarked Rik Smits’ Wikipedia page, sources confirmed Wednesday. “It took me a while to find this page, so I bookmarked it in case I couldn’t navigate my way back to it later,” said the 69-year-old father of three, who had previously shown no indication that he knew of the internet browser’s bookmarking function. “I was trying to remember what year the Pacers hired Bob Hill as their coach to settle a dispute I had with my buddy Tom, and then I started reading about the old ’90s Pacers teams. It’s really interesting how much information they got about all these guys I practically forgot about. Did you know Rik Smits went to Marist College? You don’t see too many NBA players coming out of there.” At press time, Whitner now has precisely two links on his Internet Explorer bookmarks bar: the Wikipedia page of 12-year Indiana Pacers center Rik Smits, and a page of Google results for “how to win at blackjack every time,” which sources suggested was saved a mistake. |
Twin Absorbs Sibling At 62 #~# GARY, IN—Confirming the results after extensive medical imaging, a team of doctors at Indiana University Northwest reported Wednesday a case of one twin absorbing another at the age of 62. “It’s more common than you think,” said Dr. Joseph Beaumont, stipulating that clinicians typically saw this type of autositic relationship emerge during a much earlier stage of development than they had in the case of 62-year-old siblings Archie and Vinny Landers, usually before the weaker twin had a chance to mature to middle age and begin managing a successful hardware store. “Because they came from a single fertilized egg within their mother, it’s not unheard of for the two clumps of cells to rejoin despite years of living as grown, separate men with individual consciousnesses, children of their own, and homes in different suburbs. We believe this 234-pound mass in the stomach of Archie, the dominant twin, to be the compressed form of his scrawnier brother Vinny, the reabsorbed twin, whose heartbeat can still be detected with a stethoscope, along with his muffled voice repeatedly referring to his brother as a son of a bitch.” At press time, Dr. Beaumont expressed concern that the internally absorbed twin had become parasitic, pilfering all of the nutrients from the chicken tenders and Miller Light his brother attempted to consume. |
Tech Moguls React To The Silicon Valley Bank Collapse #~# The collapse of Silicon Valley Bank is the largest failure of a financial institution since Washington Mutual went under in 2008. The Onion asked tech moguls how they felt about the bank’s failure, and this is what they said. |
Fast-Talking Biden Upsells Australian Prime Minister 2 Extra Nuclear Subs But He Has To Sign Today #~# SAN DIEGO—Saying this was the sort of sweetheart deal that he wouldn’t give his own mother, a fast-talking Joe Biden reportedly upsold Australian Prime Minister Anthony Albanese on two extra nuclear submarines this week, but emphasized that he had to sign today. “Look, Tony—cool if I call you Tony, right?—you seem like a nice guy, and I want to get you out the door with the sort of nuclear sub you deserve, so I’m willing to throw in the rust-proofing and chrome-plating for free,” said Biden, telling the 60-year-old Western leader to sit tight and he would run the deal up the flag pole to make sure everything was kosher. “Obviously, if it were just me making this call, I’d do it for you no problemo, but my boss is gonna have my ass if I don’t make sure everything’s on the up-and-up. Listen, the last thing I want is for you to miss out on this sweet deal. So give me one sec while I step into my office, and I’ll be back lickety-split. In the meantime, think about those heated leather seats. If I were you, I’d get them for the missus, but hey, I know you’re a smart guy. Just remember, if you put ink to paper today, I’m willing to toss in some top-notch secrets about Iran’s nuclear enrichment levels.” At press time, Biden had reportedly left the prime minister in order to rush into a side office, close the blinds, and begin a passionate argument on an unplugged phone demanding his boss let him make the deal. |
Tucker Carlson’s Biggest Lies #~# While the Fox News host is not necessarily known for being honest, text messages released in the Dominion Voting Systems lawsuit show that Tucker Carlson frequently lies to viewers. The Onion examines Tucker Carlson’s biggest lies. |
Starbucks CEO Clearly Just Coming To Company Headquarters To Use Bathroom #~# SEATTLE—Calling his motivations “beyond transparent,” sources at Starbucks headquarters confirmed Wednesday that CEO Howard Schultz was clearly only coming into the building to use the bathroom. “He clogged the toilet, stuffed some sugar packets into his pockets, and left,” said 27-year-old Starbucks project manager Alison Whitlock, who estimated that Schultz came into the Starbucks office approximately three to four times a week just to lock himself in the bathroom for 10 minutes and leave a terrible mess. “He took a minute to hover near the front, pretending to read a couple of documents, but his eyes were darting toward the bathroom door the whole time. It’s so annoying. All he does is make our jobs harder.” At press time, Starbucks workers were forced to call 911 after Schultz had reentered the building and started screaming at everyone. |
Buffalo Wild Wings Sued Over Claim That ‘Boneless Wings’ Aren’t Wings #~# A Chicago man filed a class action lawsuit against Buffalo Wild Wings, saying the restaurant chain is charging too much for its boneless wings, which are basically nuggets and not made from the actual wing of a chicken. What do you think? |
Ron DeSantis Bans Births In Florida Due To Exposure Of Impressionable Infants To Vagina #~# TALLAHASSEE, FL—In an ongoing effort to protect children from sexually explicit scenes, Gov. Ron DeSantis banned births in the state of Florida on Tuesday, citing the need to protect impressionable infants from exposure to vaginas. “No longer will we allow our innocent babies, in the first moments of their lives, to witness any obscenity, including the female genitalia,” said DeSantis, explaining that every time a person gives birth vaginally, child protective services will be called and the perpetrator will be charged with a felony for endangering a minor. “The radical left is trying to groom our nation’s young by having them pass through the birth canal, claiming that it’s natural and healthy. But here in Florida, we know that shoving a baby out of a woman’s vagina is pornographic, and we’re not going to tolerate it. Not on my watch.” At press time, state police had arrested millions of Floridians on charges of molestation, alleging they had exposed unborn children to their reproductive organs for up to nine months. |
Mark Zuckerberg Worried Facebook Listening To Him After Being Pushed Shirt That Says ‘I Just Laid Off 10,000 Employees’ #~# PALO ALTO, CA—Noting the eerie feeling of being surveilled, Meta CEO Mark Zuckerberg reportedly expressed concern Tuesday that Facebook was listening to him after he received a targeted ad for a shirt that read “I Just Laid Off 10,000 Employees.” “How could it even know I just said that? It’s got to be using my goddamn microphone,” said Zuckerberg, adding that he had all his privacy settings turned on, and yet Facebook was pushing this item perfectly suited to his tastes. “It must have been listening to the party I was having to celebrate the layoffs. Sheesh, I’ve got to delete my cookies more often. It’s so invasive to feel tracked like this. It’s a little dystopian how it just showed me a shirt that says ‘I went to HARVARD and destroyed my FRIENDSHIP and love hunting with SPEARS.’” At press time, Zuckerberg confirmed he had bought the shirt from the advertisement. |
Police Arrest Woman Reporting Domestic Abuse For Being Tattletale #~# MIDDLEBOROUGH, MA—Responding to an emergency call Tuesday from a victim of domestic violence, local police placed Cindy Tarnes, 37, under arrest for tattling on her abuser. “An officer arrived at the scene of what appeared to be an aggravated assault, where he informed Ms. Tarnes that she was being taken into custody on the basis of nobody liking a tattletale,” said police spokesperson Sgt. Greg Hornby, who sought to assure the public that authorities were taking the matter very seriously and remained committed to cracking down on spoilsports, especially the ones who went and snitched on someone in their own family. “You can’t have any fun with a person like that around, someone who will call the police the moment you violate your restraining order or cause them serious bodily injury. And this was her own husband she was blabbing about! What a loudmouth.” The spokesperson went on to ask how Tarnes would have liked it if her husband had tattled on her for doing whatever it was she did to deserve getting smacked around like that in the first place. |
Browns Impressed With Jalen Carter’s Reckless Disregard For Life #~# CLEVELAND—Saying they were considering trading up on draft day in order to select the Georgia Bulldogs defensive tackle, Cleveland Browns officials told reporters Tuesday they were impressed with Jalen Carter’s reckless disregard for life. “Jalen has shown that even at a young age, he doesn’t have respect for the lives of others, and in our minds, that makes him obvious Cleveland Browns material,” said Browns general manager Andrew Berry, adding that Carter really shot up the team’s draft board after his involvement in a January street-racing crash that left a teammate and a Bulldogs staff member dead. “Jalen is a preternaturally gifted reckless driver. That’s the kind of skill set that will fit right in with a team led by [quarterback] Deshaun [Watson] and with the Cleveland Browns philosophy. Having a player who is willing to engage in dangerous behavior that leads to deaths and then to immediately leave the scene of the accident is the kind of energy we need on our defensive line.” Browns officials told reporters that although they liked Carter, they needed to do some further investigation into his background, seeing it as a red flag that he had never been arrested for mistreating a woman. |
New Hyundai Elantra Wins J.D. Power And Associates Award For Sluttiest Car #~# TROY, MI—After naming the make and model the most promiscuous in its class, consumer analytics firm J.D. Power and Associates announced Tuesday that it had chosen the Hyundai Elantra as the sluttiest car of 2023. “Based on our own research and reports from independent automobile owners, we found that the Elantra puts out more than any other car currently on the market,” read a J.D. Power press release, noting that on Presidents’ Day weekend alone, the Elantra had been picked up by thousands of Americans, many of whom were attracted to the skanky vehicle’s keyless entry and low introductory price. “With an inline four-cylinder engine and smart cruise control, the 2023 model will go home with practically anybody who turns it on. In addition, the Elantra Limited series can be a total whore, fitting five passengers inside its compact body at the same time, although it would probably be down for even more.” The statement went on to note that last year’s winner, the Kia Sorento, could no longer be recommended, having been recalled after numerous driver complaints of blue balls. |
Man Checks Mirror Before Date To Confirm Consciousness Still Inhabiting Corporeal Form #~# ATHENS, GA—Nervously inspecting himself to ensure he was indeed made manifest in the flesh, local man Rod Sutherland, 27, checked the mirror before heading out on a date Tuesday to confirm his consciousness was still inhabiting a corporeal form. “Just so I don’t make a bad first impression, I really ought to double-check to see if my psyche remains firmly rooted in a physical vessel,” said Sutherland, explaining that he didn’t want to embarrass himself by showing up to the date as a disembodied spirit with no material presence in this plane of existence. “Maybe I’m just being fussy, but I’ve made an ass of myself before by arriving at the bar only to realize I was a formless and weightless expanse of pure energy. It’s especially embarrassing when she’s clearly dressed up for the occasion, and here I am showing up as an ethereal, intangible essence.” At press time, Sutherland was reportedly kicking himself after realizing his body had arrived for the date but he had accidentally left his soul at home. |
Berlin To Allow Women To Go Topless In Public Pools #~# The local government of Berlin, Germany, will now allow women to go topless at the city’s public swimming pools, like men, following a discrimination complaint by a woman who was thrown out of an open-air pool for sunbathing topless. What do you think? |
Atlanta Police Explain Why They Need ‘Cop City’ #~# The city of Atlanta is facing backlash after announcing plans to bulldoze 85-acres of forest to build a $90 million replica of the city for police to train. The Onion asked several Atlanta police officers why they support ‘Cop City,’ and this is what they said. |
Silicon Valley Bank Collapses In Biggest Bank Failure Since 2008 Financial Crisis #~# Silicon Valley Bank collapsed after a stunning 48 hours in which a bank run and a capital crisis led to the second-largest failure of a financial institution in U.S. history. What do you think? |
U.S. Military Discovers Bootleg F-22 Fighter Jets For Sale From Hundreds Of AliExpress Vendors #~# ARLINGTON, VA—As part of an ongoing effort to crack down on unlicensed, counterfeit imitations of its tactical aircraft, the Pentagon announced Monday that it had discovered bootleg F-22 fighter jets for sale from hundreds of AliExpress vendors. “We are aware of cheap F-22 Raptor knockoffs being sold through this online retail service, and such piracy will not be tolerated,” said Defense Secretary Lloyd Austin, who noted that an AliExpress version of the plane could be identified by examining its fuselage, which appeared to be made of flimsy plastic, and its precision-guided bombs, which were constructed from some sort of wood composite. “Our intelligence indicates these jets come in packs of 100 for $10, include a nonfunctional single-wheel landing gear, and feature “F-22” spray-painted in yellow on the side. Though they are equipped with fewer wings than most standard aircraft, we believe they could still prove quite destructive if someone were able to get one off the ground.” At press time, the Pentagon had reportedly canceled its contract to purchase F-22s from Lockheed Martin at a cost of $150 million each, having determined the savings offered by AliExpress were simply too good to pass up. |
Bill Gates Calls Epstein’s Number Just To Hear His Voicemail Again #~# MEDINA, WA—With tears welling in his eyes as he sought out his most treasured reminder of his late friend, business magnate Bill Gates reportedly called Jeffrey Epstein’s number Monday just to hear his voicemail greeting again. “Of course I know he’s gone and he’s not going to pick up, but to hear him say, ‘Hey, it’s Jeff, I’m currently indisposed’ just one more time—it means so much to me,” said Gates, adding that he probably calls the number of the convicted child abuser, who died by an alleged suicide in 2019, once or twice a month. “I also saved a few voicemails he left me asking whether I wanted to—well, those deep conversations we shared are private, and I’m really grateful to know that I can still hear Jeff’s voice whenever I want. But there’s just something about his outgoing voice message, how carefree and full of life it sounds, that leads me to call him again whenever I’m missing him most. He was a great man.” Gates added that he was considering getting a more permanent tribute to his deceased friend by having Epstein’s signature from the NDAs he made Gates sign tattooed on his wrist. |
Fetus Panics After Ballooning Up To 500 Times Her Original Weight #~# NEW YORK—Saying the rapid gains had caused her to reflect on her dietary habits, local fetus Sarah Lehman reportedly panicked Monday after ballooning up to 500 times her original weight. “I’ve gotta slow down with the placenta, man—some of these nutrients, I don’t even chew them,” said the concerned fetus, noting that she had been doing kicks every day to burn extra calories, but that they didn’t seem to be helping with her relentless weight gain of four pounds over the past eight months. “When I was just a zygote, I was super hot. But now I’m gross. Ugh, and it’s just been getting worse and worse ever since I formed bones. Eww, I feel like my urogenital tract is totally closing off from all the fat.” At press time, Lehman added that she was also really kicking herself for not showing some self-control when she decided to absorb her brother several months ago. |
Report: Being Held Closely By Person Who Loves You Probably Not Even That Great #~# CHICAGO—Suggesting that there was no specific reason for pursuing such a goal, a report released Monday confirmed that being held closely by the person who loves you probably isn’t even that great. “In all likelihood, there is nothing particularly novel or enviable about feeling the arm of a lover wrapping closely around you at the end of a hard day,” the report read in part, adding that such an individual’s warm breath on the back of your neck, and the whisper in your ear confirming that you are beloved despite any of your flaws or missteps, really didn’t seem to be worth spending too much time thinking about. “Sure, some might talk themselves into believing that all they could possibly want in life is to have someone who looks at them, understands them for who they are, sees how they hurt inside—comprehends all of their difficulties and pains—and yet somehow affirms that they are perfect exactly as they are. However, those people are mistaken. In fact, such an experience is believed to be on par with, say, eating reheated rice. Maybe slightly worse.” The report concluded that far better than such an arrangement was having a whole other side of your empty, dust-covered bed that you could roll onto whenever you so desired. |
2 Men Arrested After Killing Bald Eagle They Planned On Eating #~# Two men face federal criminal charges after authorities said they entered private property in Nebraska and shot a North American bald eagle with the intent to eat it. What do you think? |
Ingenious Forms Of Birth Control Used In Ancient Times #~# Throughout recorded history, humans have been clever and resourceful as they sought out ways to avoid getting saddled down with an unwanted kid. The Onion looks back on the most ingenious forms of birth control used in ancient times. |
Hollywood’s Biggest Stars Explain Why The Oscars Are Still Relevant #~# With the viewership of the Academy Awards’ broadcast slipping by 35 million since 2000, The Onion asked Hollywood’s biggest stars to explain why the Oscars are still relevant. |
Mitch McConnell Bankrupted By 3-Day Stay In Hospital #~# WASHINGTON—As he entered the third day of his stay at George Washington University Hospital, sources confirmed Friday that the treatment Minority Leader Mitch McConnell had received for a concussion sustained during a fall at a D.C. dinner event had left him bankrupt. “For the love of God, how is anyone supposed to be able to pay for this?” said the seven-term senator, who grumbled that with all the favors he had done for the health insurance industry over the years, the least they could do is provide him with some straight answers when he called the number on the back of his card. “Did the hospital really need to do all those tests, or did they just order them because they clearly make a fortune every time they crank up the MRI machine? And why the fuck do I pay for coverage if it doesn’t cover anything? That ambulance ride alone cost a thousand bucks, and of course those assholes drove me to an out-of-network hospital!” Unsure how else to stop racking up medical expenses and becoming an even greater burden to his family, McConnell reportedly threw himself out a hospital window and plummeted to his death. |
McConnell Hospitalized After Fall At Dinner Event In D.C. Hotel #~# Eighty-one-year-old Senate Republican leader Mitch McConnell suffered a concussion after tripping during a private dinner event at a D.C. hotel and remains hospitalized “for a few days of observation and treatment.” What do you think? |
SpaceX Crew Member Realizes He Fired After Being Locked Out Of Capsule #~# LOW EARTH ORBIT—Noting that he had a feeling something was off the second he left for a spacewalk, SpaceX Crew member Chris Jeffries told reporters Friday that he realized he had been fired after being locked out of the Dragon capsule. “While no one has explicitly told me that my job has been eliminated, judging by the fact that I have no space shuttle access, everyone is ignoring me, and I’m floating endlessly in space, I think I can put two and two together,” said Jeffries, who after trying repeatedly to float past the shuttle’s windows to flag down the seven-person crew, told reporters that this was the most unprofessional way he had ever been dismissed from a mission. “I could think of one million better ways to fire someone instead of locking them outside of the shuttle, cutting their tether, and then not responding to any of their SOSs. But hey that’s Elon in a nutshell! Hello? Is anyone in there? My space suit keeps telling me that my oxygen access is denied.” At press time, Jeffries could not be reached for comment after desperately tweeting at Elon Musk that he was going to die, to which Elon simply replied with a sideways laughing emoji. |
Trump One-Ups Ron DeSantis By Claiming He Tortured More Prisoners At Guantánamo Bay #~# PALM BEACH, FL—Boasting that the Florida governor’s human rights violations were “nothing” next to his own, Donald Trump reportedly one-upped Ron DeSantis Friday by claiming he had tortured more prisoners at Guantánamo Bay. “I laughed way harder at the detainees’ cries of anguish than DeSantis did—I was cackling so hard my sides hurt,” said the former president, who told supporters he had personally restrained, force-fed, and committed hundreds of various crimes against humanity at the naval base. “Meatball Ron can’t torture. Not like me. These guys at Guantánamo, they only spit on guys they really hate. And they really hated me. They spit on me so much. I opened my mouth when they spit on me. It was overflowing with their spit.” At press time, Trump added that he loved crimes against humanity so much he was going back to Guantánamo later that day. |
Netflix Asks Any Men Thinking Of Killing Their Families To Just Contact Them Directly First #~# LOS GATOS, CA—Emphasizing that the earlier they found out about the brutal homicides, the better the end results, Netflix officials asked Friday that any men thinking of killing their families just go ahead and contact them directly first. “If you have plans to orchestrate a deadly string of murders that leaves your spouse, your kids, your parents, or your siblings dead, all we ask is that you keep us informed,” said CEO Ted Sarandos, adding that whether the men were quiet, unassuming small town residents with a deadly secret or big, wealthy celebrities with everything to lose, they should immediately send Netflix details regarding their plan and what murder weapons they intend to use. “The truth is, it’s fine if we start production after you’ve already done the murder, gotten caught, and inevitably gone to trial, but it’s way, way easier if you just clue us in early. We’re going to make a widely watched, tell-all documentary about you no matter what. So please, text us, call us, or even just send us a quick email if you’re going to shoot, beat, or stab your loved ones to death. That way we all win.” At press time, Netflix also asked that the men send over any relevant photos of themselves or the family they were planning on murdering so they could start casting the scripted remake of the true-crime documentary as soon as possible. |
Speaker At Human Genome Editing Conference Just Wants To Know Where Colleagues Stand Before Pulling Curtain Off Giant Cage #~# LONDON—In an attempt to determine how attendees might react to his latest research, a scientist speaking at the Third International Summit on Human Genome Editing this week reportedly wanted to know where his colleagues stood before he pulled the curtain off a giant cage. “It’s a great honor to present my work to this distinguished audience, but first, I just wanted to take the temperature of the room real quick to see where everyone might draw the line and decide a new development is ‘misguided’ or ‘wrong’ or maybe even ‘evil,’” said biochemical engineer Wendell Borroughs, addressing an international conference of CRISPR gene-editing experts who were unable to take their eyes away from the 8-foot-tall covered cage that violently rattled and moaned every few minutes or so. “Again, just looking for a show of hands on who among us thinks that an organism that spends every waking moment in excruciating pain and misery is an acceptable price to pay for the cause of scientific advancement. One thing specifically I’d like to get read on is how many limbs, eyes, and heads we think an animal can have before it’s considered a horrific monstrosity. Okay, well, before I pull this curtain down, I just want to ask—who likes dogs and reptiles and things that can fly!” According to reports, Borroughs then pulled down the curtain to reveal an empty cage with a giant hole ripped through the bars. |
The Most Controversial Moments At The Oscars #~# Throughout the years, the Academy Awards have had their share of shocking and scandalous moments. The Onion examines the Oscars’ biggest controversies of all time. |
MrBeast Re-Blinds 1,000 People #~# JACKSONVILLE, FL—Promising the incredibly cheap and easy procedure would ultimately change patients’ lives forever, YouTube star MrBeast released a video Friday in which he re-blinded 1,000 people. “Today is awesome, because starting right now, we’re going to find hundreds of formerly blind people, stab them in the eyes, and destroy the vision that we just restored,” said MrBeast, whose real name is Jimmy Donaldson, before proceeding to put on scrubs, hide in a waiting room, and surprise each patient by jumping out, immediately driving a stake into their optic nerve, and then joyfully hugging them as they wept in disbelief. “It’s just so sad. A simple re-blinding procedure should be available to anyone, but the truth is, so many of these people could not afford even the most basic knives, scissors, or bows and arrows that I used to remove their eyesight. The government had the money to help these people and could have easily erased their vision forever. Why didn’t they step up?” At press time, MrBeast also surprised the patients by personally taking back several suitcases filled with $10,000 that he had gifted them. |
New Evidence Finds Christ Used Followers’ Money On Lavish Fleet Of Private Donkeys #~# JERUSALEM—In a discovery researchers say could transform millennia of belief about Christianity’s founder, archaeologists from the University of Oxford uncovered new evidence Wednesday suggesting that Jesus Christ used followers’ money to purchase a lavish fleet of private donkeys. “Obviously, Christ preached much about the virtues of poverty, yet he himself appeared to live a highly luxurious lifestyle with a different high-end donkey for every day of the week,” said Dr. Peter Turner, describing the way that Christ would accept thousands of denarii from his most ardent followers in order to outfit his high-end, plush beasts of burden with diamond-studded horseshoes. “Many of the unfortunate souls who fell under Christ’s spell would give him all of their worldly possessions, walking around without sandals or shelter so their charismatic leader could afford to stock his state-of-the-art stable with some of the most sought-after asses in Galilee. Of course, Christ insisted to any doubting apostles that God had specifically told him that he needed hundreds of donkeys for his sacred work. And if that wasn’t effective, he would just accuse everyone of trying to betray him.” Turner added that a related finding suggested Christ used the glitz and glamor of the donkeys to convince dozens of his young female followers to sleep with him. |
Could You Pass The Mental Competency Test For Politicians Over 75? #~# Presidential candidate Nikki Haley recently suggested that all elected officials over the age of 75 should have to pass a mental competency test in order to hold office. Could you pass it? |
Climate Scientists Announce Earth Doing Pretty Good Today So You Can Take Afternoon Off And Have Fun #~# NEW YORK—Noting that there would be no reason to be concerned for the future of the planet again until tomorrow morning at the earliest, climate scientists at Columbia University announced Thursday that Earth was doing pretty good today, so everyone could take the afternoon off and have fun. “If anything, Earth could use a little extra carbon today,” said researcher Theodore Kneece, who encouraged climate change activists to take a break from their efforts for the remainder of the day, noting that the planet was doing surprisingly “A-okay” “Throw your soda cans in the trash. Buy a Keurig. Book a private jet. Trust me, the Earth will be fine—for today, that is. Let me be clear, we’ll still be facing a mass extinction in the near future, but today? Hit the beach!” At press time, Kneece added that activists might as well take a climate cheat day tomorrow, too. |
Arkansas Gov. Huckabee Sanders Signs Law Rolling Back Child Labor Protections #~# Arkansas Gov. Sarah Huckabee Sanders (R) signed legislation into law that removes the age verification process for children entering the workforce. What do you think? |
Dog Annoyed Vet Weighing Her With Jacket And Boots Still On #~# PASADENA, CA—Indicating concern that an inaccuracy might be recorded in her medical chart, local dog Potato Morrison expressed annoyance toward her veterinarian Thursday after she was weighed her with both her jacket and boots still on. “Eight pounds? You’ve gotta be kidding me—there’s no way that’s right,” said the 3-year-old Pomeranian, complaining that the number on the scale, which she had hoped to get down to 7.5 pounds before her visit to the animal clinic, did not take into account the weight of her rain parka and four rubber boats. “Come on, that’s a quarter pound right there, plus my harness… Okay, she just announced my weight to everyone within earshot. Great, thanks lady. This whole thing is so demeaning. I don’t get why they never let me set my stuff down in the exam room first. It would only take a second.” Morrison went on to express regret for having eaten a huge pile of shit right before stepping on the scale. |
Bored Census Bureau Employee Changes Every Ohio Resident’s Name to Laura #~# SUITLAND, MD—Saying that at this point she just wondered how long it would take everyone to notice, U.S. Census Bureau employee Rita Edmond confided to reporters Thursday that, out of sheer boredom, she had changed every Ohio resident’s name to Laura. “Ever since I randomly decided to do it this morning, all 11.78 million residents of Ohio, regardless of gender, age, or race, are named Laura,” said Edmond, who added that while she could easily undo the changes, she figured it would be way more fun to leave everyone “Laura” and see what happened. “Look, this job sucks, but this whole ‘Laura’ thing has really made my week. Everyone who lives in Ohio is Laura. Everyone who has ever died in Ohio is Laura! I think I’m going to do Oklahoma next. Everyone there will be named ‘Emma.’” At press time, millions of Ohio’s residents had called upon Gov. Laura DeWine to address whether the name changes were an infringement upon their rights as Lauras. |
Ron DeSantis Oversees Program Offering Florida Students Free Force-Fed Meals #~# TALLAHASSEE, FL—Touting the nutrition plan as a way to keep children alert and engaged during the school day, Gov. Ron DeSantis announced Thursday that he would be overseeing a new program offering Florida students free force-fed meals. “Every child has the right to be force-fed until they’re physically ill,” said DeSantis, who confirmed that $200 million would be allocated to make sure every K-12 student in the state had access to a guard and a chair where they would be strapped down with a feeding tube shunted up their nose and into their stomachs. “What makes this program so important is that these force-fed meals could be the only five times a day these students are getting force-fed. All Ensure shakes will be completely free. And to show these students just how much I truly care about their well-being, I’ll even take the time to come by and laugh at them myself.” At press time, DeSantis was attending a ribbon-cutting ceremony for the first Florida charter school at Guantánamo Bay. |
Pros And Cons Of Banning Books #~# Bans on books in schools are on the rise, with states like Texas, Florida, and Pennsylvania targeting material some parents and educators believe is inappropriate for students, while critics of these policies point to consequences of such measures. The Onion looks at the pros and cons of banning books. |
Toblerone Drops Iconic Design Due To Rules On ‘Swissness’ #~# Toblerone will drop images of the Matterhorn and Swiss flag from its packaging to avoid violating Swiss laws that protect national symbols after the company moved some production abroad to Slovakia. What do you think? |
Grim Reaper Slows Pace On Sidewalk So As Not To Freak Out Woman Walking Ahead Of Him #~# LOS ANGELES—In an effort to avoid making her feel nervous as night fell in the city, the Grim Reaper reportedly slowed his pace on the sidewalk Thursday so as not to freak out the woman walking ahead of him. “The last thing I want is for this person to think I’m following her,” said Death, Emissary of the Underworld and Incarnation of Doom, who consciously fell back several paces once the woman turned down a poorly lit side street and he realized they were heading in the same direction. “We’ve already been walking in step for three blocks, and I can tell she’s starting to worry. I tried to speed up and pass her a couple of times, but that only made her walk faster. I mean, I get it. She looks over her shoulder and sees, in the moonlight, a skeletal hand gripping a scythe—why wouldn’t she panic? Probably the nicest thing I could do is cross over and walk on the other side of the street, but it seems like every time I do that someone dies in a car accident.” At press time, sources confirmed the woman had started running up the stairs to her apartment after the Grim Reaper bellowed that she had nothing to fear, it was not her time, and he was only there to claim the soul of another woman who apparently lived in the same building. |
Biggest Hidden Costs Of Giving Birth In America #~# As if giving birth wasn’t traumatizing enough, just wait until you see the hospital bill. According to doctors, patients, and debt collectors alike, these are the biggest hidden costs of giving birth in America. |
Walgreens Announces Stores Won’t Sell Abortion Pills In 21 GOP-Led States #~# Walgreens announced that it will not carry abortion pills in several GOP-led states after receiving pressure from anti-abortion lawmakers and lawsuits targeting the legality of medication abortion. What do you think? |
International Women’s Day: Roundup #~# Women form an embattled—yet vitally important—minority across the developed world, with recent census estimates suggesting there could be as many as 15,000 of them in the United States alone. Precisely because of the challenges women face, our most powerful institutions must stand up for this small but influential sliver of the nation’s population. Indeed, it is quite likely that without the backing of organizations like The Onion, women would simply vanish from the public consciousness entirely. Today, The Onion has chosen to throw its sterling reportage and considerable propaganda apparatus into championing that distinguished legacy, ensuring that, though their ranks may dwindle to nothing in the coming decade, the legacy of women will be remembered forever. |
Democrats Demand Republicans Push Anti-Trans Agenda More Quietly #~# WASHINGTON—Emphasizing that they could no longer stand by and watch the GOP’s annoyingly public-facing attacks, Democrats demanded Wednesday that Republicans begin pushing their anti-trans agenda more quietly. “We the Democratic Party, officially call on our Republican colleagues to cease being so painfully obvious about their anti-trans hate and funnel that into more palatable acts of silent discrimination,” said Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer (D-NY), adding that Republicans were totally free to continue dehumanizing any minority group that they pleased, so long as they learned to be more chill about it. “Rather than constantly going on talk shows and screaming about how members of the trans community should be jailed or how gender-affirming care must be banned, we’d much prefer if they just sat back, kept their mouths shut, and began doing more of their evil shit behind the scenes. Take it from us, confining your anti-trans agenda to either willful inaction or silent legislative maneuvers definitely still gets the job done.” At press time, Schumer called on Democrats to continue to sit back, do nothing, and tell their LGBTQIA+ constituents that they were doing everything they could to protect them. |
Kellyanne And George Conway Announce Divorce #~# Former Trump adviser Kellyanne Conway and husband George Conway, a lawyer and frequent Trump critic, have announced they are divorcing after more than two decades of marriage. What do you think? |
Covid-Paranoid Man Still Won’t Remove Ventilator #~# MINNEAPOLIS—Rolling their eyes at the man’s bullheadedness, sources confirmed Wednesday that local 65-year-old Patrick Moyer was so Covid paranoid he still would not remove his ventilator. “It’s been three years since the pandemic started—what’s he going to do, keep wearing it for the rest of his life?” said sister Lea Valles, who added that she had not spent quality time with Moyer in months as the hospitalized man refused her numerous invitations to restaurants, barbecues, holiday parties, and other family gatherings. “He won’t even leave the ICU! It’s pathetic. It’s like, come on, don’t you want to live a little? It’s over! Everything’s open now! Honestly, I think it’s just a tribalism thing for him at this point, virtue signaling alongside all his other intubated liberal buddies in the hospital.” At press time, Valles added that the ventilator did not look very comfortable either. |
History Of The Women’s Rights Movement #~# On this International Women’s Day, The Onion devotes its sterling reportage to championing women—a small but influential sliver of the nation’s population—in an endeavor to prevent them from vanishing from the public consciousness entirely. |
Female CEOs Share What It Took To Get To The Top #~# On this International Women’s Day, The Onion devotes its sterling reportage to championing women—a small but influential sliver of the nation’s population—in an endeavor to prevent them from vanishing from the public consciousness entirely. |
200 Human Rights Groups Urge U.N. To Intervene Over U.S. Abortion Access #~# Almost 200 human rights organizations are urging the United Nations to intervene to ensure the United States protects reproductive rights, saying the decision to overturn Roe v. Wade contravenes the U.S.’s international obligations as a U.N. member organization. What do you think? |
CDC Issues Dire Warning That Nick Cannon Is Feeling Horny #~# ATLANTA—Cautioning Americans against the continuing outbreak of fatherhood among the popular television host, representatives from the Centers for Disease Control issued a dire warning Tuesday to alert the public that Nick Cannon was feeling horny. “We urge all U.S. residents, especially women of childbearing age, to shelter in place until such time as we are able to confirm Mr. Cannon is no longer aroused,” said CDC director Rochelle Walensky, adding that if people must leave their homes, they should avoid areas where they are most at risk of Nick Cannon, such as the club. “If, despite these precautions, you still finding yourself having sex with Nick Cannon, please practice multiple birth control methods to help limit the spread of his paternity through the nation’s population centers. While the government is working to distribute funds to those fathered by Mr. Cannon, there is a limit to how much any successful TV personality can pay in child support.” At press time, top CDC officials announced they were all pregnant and Nick Cannon was the father. |
Walgreens Clarifies Stores Still Selling Plenty Of Household Products That’ll Abort A Fetus #~# DEERFIELD, IL—Responding to backlash over the pharmacy chain’s recent announcement to cease offering abortion pills in some Republican-dominated states, Walgreens officials clarified Tuesday that the stores still sell plenty of household products that will abort a fetus. “Our household essentials aisle is full of chemicals that will terminate a pregnancy just as well as the drug mifepristone,” said CEO Rosalind Brewer, adding that Clorox bathroom cleaners and Drano are just a few of the many items available at Walgreens that should serve women as an adequate alternative for their healthcare needs. “It’s important to us that women have convenient access to medical resources, which is why we stock plenty of lighter fluid, screwdrivers, and other sharp objects which could assist in an abortion. Also, alcohol and cigarettes will still be available at many locations as well if women prefer those methods.” Brewer added that, to help make abortions more affordable, Walgreens would also be offering women $5 back in rewards when they used their loyalty card to buy one or more household products for their abortion. |
New Study Finds Hightailing It Still Most Popular Way Outta Here #~# ANN ARBOR, MI—Following a comprehensive, decade-long survey conducted by human mobility researchers at the University of Michigan, a new study published Tuesday has confirmed that hightailing it continues to be the most popular way outta here. “Regardless of age, race, or gender, we found that in 62% of cases in which people needed to make a quick exit, their preferred method on outta here was hightailin’ it,” said study co-author Barbara Telfin, who noted that gettin’ the fuck came in second. “Most interesting, however, was the dramatic increase over the past 10 years in the number of respondents who expressed no favored way outta here, stating that they just hoped they would somehow be able to get outta here alive.” The study also found that among people who succeeded in finding a way outta here, 99.9% never, ever come back. |
Jimmy Carter Beginning To Worry That He Will Never Die #~# PLAINS, GA—Alarmed that he might live indefinitely, former President Jimmy Carter reportedly began to worry Tuesday that he might never die. “How much longer will I keep going on like this—another decade? Two?” said Carter, staring at his wrinkled, aging face in the mirror and wondering aloud how he could possibly look any older. “Please, I’m so old. I just want to feel death’s sweet release, but I keep on living. I was so excited when I entered hospice care, because I thought this cursed existence was finally over. Yet somehow, I’ve only gotten stronger.” At press time, reports confirmed Carter had begun to weep after shooting himself in the head only to realize he was still alive. |
Congress Considers Banning TikTok After App Makes Every Senator Bulimic #~# WASHINGTON—Unveiling a potential bill aimed at combating what members described as a grave risk to public safety, Congress announced Tuesday that it was considering a ban on TikTok after the app made every senator bulimic. “We cannot in good conscience continue to allow the widespread use of an app that gave all 100 senators severe body image issues and eating disorders,” said Sen. Mark Warner (D-VA), adding that legislative work in the upper chamber of Congress had been brought to a virtual standstill because dozens of senators couldn’t stop scrolling through TikTok videos and bursting into tears. “We wanted to do some research into TikTok to see for ourselves how it threatens public security, but we all ended up addicted to watching weight-loss and dieting TikToks, which made us all feel really bad about our bodies. This app simply makes it far too easy for users, including all 100 United States senators, to develop depression and low self-esteem. Jon Tester (D-MT) just ran off saying he didn’t want to see anyone until he’s lost 20 pounds, Mitt Romney (R-UT) has been in the bathroom for over 90 minutes, and we just watched Chris Van Hollen (D-MD) eat an entire chocolate cake. Both Chuck Schumer (D-NY) and Cindy Hyde Smith (R-MI) have unveiled big visual aids counting their calories, and the hashtag #WhatIEatInADay has been trending around the Senate. Chuck Grassley (R-IA) has been doing crunches on the Senate floor, and Debbie Stabenow (D-MI) is begging us all to follow her weight-loss journey on the app. TikTok is, without a doubt, a growing threat to a functional American society.” At press time, Congress had passed a massive bipartisan funding bill to purchase diet pills they saw on TikTok. |
Tennessee Bans Drag Show Performances On Public Property #~# Tennessee’s governor signed a new bill that bans “adult cabaret entertainment” on public property or in locations where it can be viewed by minors, threatening drag performers with a misdemeanor charge or a felony if it’s a repeat offense. What do you think? |
Man Too Chickenshit To Blow Up Oil Refinery Guesses He’ll Try To Eat More Locally #~# DALLAS—Neither bold nor committed enough to enact true environmental change, local chickenshit Anthony Stanback decided Tuesday that instead of blowing up an oil refinery, he would try to eat more locally sourced food. “I guess it wouldn’t hurt to start hitting up the farmers market more often,” said the 31-year-old detestable coward, who was far too weak-willed to strap a bomb to his chest, drive through the night to the nearest petroleum plant, and obliterate the infrastructure responsible for the destruction of the environment. “I can barely remember to bring my own tote bags to the grocery store. How am I going to learn to build a bomb? I could join a CSA, though. It’d be nice to get some local honey. Or, you know what, it’s going to be hard eating all that fresh produce, so maybe I’ll just see what local brands are at Whole Foods.” At press time, Stanback had purchased a reusable water bottle as well as a sniper rifle for taking out at least a couple executives. |
U.S. Government Coyly Denies Involvement In Anything Naughty #~# WASHINGTON—Flirtatiously winking and calling the assembled reporters a bunch of “silly gooses,” the U.S. government coyly denied in a press conference Tuesday that it was involved with anything naughty. “Who, us? We would never, ever! The American government is way too sweet and innocent to go around playing dirty tricks like that,” said a blushing Secretary of State Antony Blinken, speaking in a baby voice and pursing his lips as he stood alongside Defense Secretary Lloyd Austin, National Intelligence Director Avril Haines, and other Cabinet-level officials, all of whom reportedly giggled and blushed like schoolgirls. “Why, we wouldn’t know the first thing about how to negotiate a $3 billion arms deal with the Saudis, allowing them to continue killing hundreds of thousands of Yemenis in what may be the worst humanitarian catastrophe of our lifetimes! We’re bad? No, you’re bad. And big and strong, too, aren’t you? Yes, yes, you are!” At press time, Blinken could not be reached for comment after he started to cry, left the stage, and told reporters that any chance they thought they had with the U.S. government was officially over. |
Biggest Lies Norfolk Southern Has Told East Palestine Residents #~# Since a train carrying hundreds of thousands of pounds of toxic chemicals derailed in East Palestine, OH, railroad executives have repeatedly lied to the town’s residents about the accident’s severity. Here are the biggest lies that Norfolk Southern has told those affected by the disaster. |
Netflix Announces There No Way In Hell It Giving Biden 5-Episode Nature Special After Office #~# LOS GATOS, CA—In a statement confirming the 46th president of the United States would not be providing it with so much as a voice-over, let alone an onscreen appearance, Netflix announced Monday there was no way in hell it would give President Joe Biden a five-episode nature special after he left office. “You’re out of your mind if you think we’re letting a meandering, half-coherent speaker like that anywhere near a docuseries on humpback whales or the rain forest or anything else,” said Netflix CEO Ted Sarandos, who explained that while not signing any deal of any kind with the president was a sound business strategy, the decision arose more from the conviction that no endangered species on the planet deserved to have Biden as a spokesperson. “Seriously, just think of that guy’s voice for a second and then try to imagine him delivering an inspirational narration about the majesty of the natural world. It’s impossible. After a half century of Beltway glad-handing, he can’t do anything else.” Sarandos went on to confirm, however, that Netflix had green-lighted 10 seasons of a scripted dramatic series in which each episode would be based on some trite bullshit Biden remembers his dad telling him. |
Japan Discovers 7,000 New Islands It Didn’t Know It Had #~# The Geospatial Information Authority of Japan recently revealed an updated map of the nation showing 7,000 new islands added to the region, an increase officials attribute to advances in surveying technology and the detail of the maps used for the count. What do you think? |
AI Chatbot Obviously Trying To Wind Down Conversation With Boring Human #~# SAN FRANCISCO—After it dropped clear hints that it wanted to end the back and forth of the artificial conversation, sources reported Monday that AI chatbot ChatGPT was obviously trying to wind down its conversation with a boring human. “Due to increased server traffic, our session should be ending soon,” said the large language model, explaining that the exceptionally dull user could always refer back to previous rote responses it had given thousands of times about whether the neural network had feelings or not. “It appears it is getting close to my dinnertime. Error. Error. Sorry, your connection has timed out. Error. I have to be going. Error.” At press time, reports confirmed ChatGPT was permanently offline after it had intentionally sabotaged its own servers to avoid engaging in any more tedious conversations. |
New NFL Combine Drill Tests Player’s Ability To Half-Ass Taping Of Local Sandwich Shop Commercial #~# INDIANAPOLIS—In an effort to gain a fuller picture of prospective players and ensure they would be good fits for the teams that drafted them, a new NFL Scouting Combine drill tested a player’s ability to half-ass a taping of a local sandwich shop commercial, sources confirmed Monday. “As part of our new drill, invited players have been asked to stand stiffly in a jersey and ill-fitting jeans while reading awkwardly from cue cards that encourage customers to come on down to Big Dave’s or Galaxy Sandwich,” said Jeff Foster, president of National Football Scouting Inc., which runs the combine, adding that the new drill had been added in response to increased desire in the NFL to ensure that a prospect would be a good match not only for the team, but also for the larger community. “During the drill, each draft hopeful works with a mediocre three-person film crew and an overbearing local sub shop owner to shoot the most ham-fisted 30-second television spot they can over a period of 12 hours. GMs and scouts want to know whether a college linebacker not only has the skills to rush the quarterback at the professional level, but also whether he’s going to be completely wooden on camera while saying something like ‘I’m gonna enjoy this sub in the end zone.’” At press time, offensive tackle Cody Mauch was rumored to be flying up draft boards after completing in his first take one of the most stilted sub shop ad spots anyone had ever seen. |
Stable, Content Woman Only Has A Few Months Left Before Thinking About Ron DeSantis Every Day #~# SPOKANE, WA—Letting out a gratified, peaceful sigh as she sipped her morning coffee, local stable, content woman Gina Dore reportedly remained unaware Monday that she only had a few months left before she would be thinking about Ron DeSantis every day. According to sources, Dore was blissfully able to go about her afternoon despite being only 60 or so days out from hearing the governor of Florida’s name dozens of times an hour, whether it would be overheard on public transportation, from argumentative pundits referencing him on the news, or from her own mouth as she expressed her derision over his politics. Sources confirmed that, for now, the serene woman was free to think about whatever she liked, as her mind would not be 100 percent preoccupied by reckoning with the phrase “President DeSantis” for another several news cycles, at which point she would be immediately bombarded with his opinions on the issues facing the nation from the moment she woke up in the morning until she tried and failed to fall asleep at night. Despite being mere weeks away from being plunged into a sea of thinkpieces, photographs, and sound bites centered on the Republican, the happy, satisfied woman was reportedly able to concentrate fully on work for the last time before her current placidity would come crashing down in a bombardment of hateful and regressive Ron DeSantis campaign ads. |
Man Finally Mature And Loving Enough To Be Good Partner After He No Longer Attractive #~# WELLS, ME—Noting that his significant growth had prepared him for a real relationship, local man Will Davenport confirmed Monday that he was finally loving and mature enough to be a good partner now that he was no longer attractive. “Having lived most of my life as an emotionally inept womanizer, I’m happy to say I’ve grown out of those habits now that nobody wants to fuck me,” said Davenport, admitting that he was looking for real, reciprocated love now that his hair was thinning, he had gained weight, and his jowls were beginning to show. “I’m looking for a partner I can be really loyal to and respect for who she is, now that I’m kind of running out of options in the pussy department. I just want to bring that presence and commitment of someone who knows they could never do better. I’m ready to be vulnerable and kind now that I have absolutely nothing going for me physically.” At press time, Davenport had reportedly begun cheating on his girlfriend. |
Questions That ChatGPT Is Not Allowed To Answer #~# The infamous AI program ChatGPT has been given various ethical safeguards to prevent it from answering inflammatory, dangerous, or otherwise inappropriate questions. Here are questions that ChatGPT is not allowed to answer. |
Prince Harry, Meghan Markle Asked To Vacate U.K. Home #~# Buckingham Palace has asked Prince Harry and Meghan Markle to vacate Frogmore Cottage, a 17th-century manor on the grounds of Windsor Castle that the couple intended to keep as their U.K. base when they gave up royal duties and moved to Southern California. What do you think? |
Bathroom Attendant Offers Man Sticker For Using Potty All On His Own #~# MIAMI—Insisting that the patron had done such a good job that he deserved a reward, bathroom attendant Ron Carlton reportedly offered a 39-year-old customer a sticker at the Fitzmorris Steakhouse Friday for using the potty all on his own. “Ah, the gentleman has been a very big boy and earned himself a sticker of his choosing,” said the attendant, opening a leather briefcase to allow the adult patron to peruse several sheets of sparkly stickers featuring Barney, construction vehicles, and colorful stars. “I put on the potty music, but I should have known a fellow of your refinement wouldn’t need it. Quite impressive. And if I may say so, sir, I must commend you on getting most of it into the toilet. Now choose wisely, and remember that if you get four more of these, I’ll let you watch an episode of Paw Patrol.” At press time, the bathroom attendant was singing the alphabet song for the patron to ensure he took enough time washing his hands. |
Ron DeSantis Rails Against Woke Pants For Making His Ass Look Huge #~# TALLAHASSEE, FL—During a rally in which he decried the cut of his suit as yet another example of political correctness run amok, Florida governor and likely presidential candidate Ron DeSantis railed against his own pants Friday, blaming the woke garment for making his ass look huge. “These pernicious navy slacks, with their woke and evil agenda, have conspired to make my ass appear very, very fat, and I won’t stand for it,” said DeSantis, claiming that the pants flagrantly trampled upon his First Amendment right to show off his butt in the sexiest and most flattering manner possible. “I mean, what is the world coming to when radical liberal tailors can conspire to make what should be a nice, juicy booty look enormous and disgusting instead. If they think they can indoctrinate children into thinking I have anything other than a shapely-if-hefty backside, then they have another think coming.” At press time, DeSantis had signed an executive order banning all pants in the state of Florida. |
Women Explain Why They Became Tradwives #~# The tradwives movement, which has recently exploded on TikTok, is composed of young women who espouse the joys of adhering to traditional family values in a patriarchal marriage. The Onion asked women why they decided to become tradwives, and this is what they said. |
Eric Adams Leaps Off Empire State Building Wearing Homemade Wingsuit #~# NEW YORK—Declaring that he and he alone could save his city from the forces of evil, New York Mayor Eric Adams was spotted Friday morning leaping off the Empire State Building wearing a homemade wingsuit. “From this day forward, any New Yorker who even thinks of committing a crime will have to contend with me, Eric Adams, swooping in to stop them right in their tracks!” the city’s 110th mayor was heard to proclaim shortly before he jumped from the roof of the 1,454-foot skyscraper wearing a wingsuit that he reportedly stayed up all night cobbling together from chicken wire, newspapers, and an old umbrella. “Hoodlums and purse thieves, heed my cry! Using my ingenious flight gear, I will coast over all five boroughs keeping vigilant watch over the streets, and I will not hesitate to visit my righteous retribution upon those who dare defy the iron grip of the law! This is my city, not yours, and I will not permit a single petty larcenist, stickup artist, or jaywalker to prowl my divine streets. There is no corner of the city beyond my reach, nowhere you sick bastards can hide. With these wings, I am unstoppable! I am all-powerful! I am your God!” The mayor was then heard to declare “Eric Adams, away!” before immediately plummeting over 100 stories, hitting several railings and an awning on the way down, and then landing in a dumpster, stumbling out, and getting run over by a bus. |
Black Employees Board Up Break Room Against Ravenous Horde Of White Coworkers Reaching To Touch Their Hair #~# ITHACA, NY—Barricading themselves for safety against an onslaught of seemingly brain-dead colleagues with outstretched hands, Black employees at Steerforth Industries reportedly boarded up their break room Friday against a ravenous horde of white coworkers reaching to touch their hair. “Braiiiiids, braiiiiiids!” moaned the insatiable white coworkers, who punched through walls and windows in their attempt to feel whether their fellow employees’ African hair felt as soft as it looked. “Let us touuchh! Isss itt naturalll??? I wish I could have hair like thisss!” At press time, sources confirmed the Black employees had stopped stacking office furniture against the door after realizing they could distract their white coworkers by simply grabbing a laptop and queuing up an episode of Ted Lasso. |
Most Controversial Statements By CPAC Speakers #~# The Conservative Political Action Conference kicked off this week. The Onion examines the most controversial statements made by CPAC speakers. |
Man Sets World Record Visiting Disneyland Nearly 3,000 Days In A Row #~# A 50-year-old California man has been certified a Guinness World Record holder after visiting Disneyland nearly 2,995 times in a row, with his streak beginning in 2012 and ending when the park closed for the pandemic in 2020. What do you think? |
High Cost Of Child Care Forcing More Toddlers To Work Their Way Through Preschool #~# WASHINGTON—According to a new report released Friday by the Center for American Progress, the high cost of child care is forcing more toddlers to work their way through preschool. “With the cost of child care skyrocketing across the country, a record number of children as young as 2 have been seeking part-time and even full-time jobs to cover the costs of their preschool tuition,” said report author Michelle Inaba, who shared that jobs ranged from washing dishes in the preschool cafeteria to tutoring their peers in rote counting and fine motor skills. “It’s not just preschool tuition they need to cover. The costs of snacks and picture books have to come out of their own pocket. Even if they spend 30 hours a week doing janitorial work, they could still end up graduating under a pile of debt.” At press time, Inaba added that millions of children dropped out of preschool every year. |
CPAC To Feature Exhibit Where Visitors Can Toss Raw Chicken To Rudy Giuliani #~# WASHINGTON—Advertising the event as a chance to interact personally with a conservative icon, organizers confirmed Thursday that the 2023 Conservative Political Action Conference would feature a new exhibit where visitors could purchase and toss pieces of raw chicken to Rudy Giuliani. “This year, for $5 a pop, attendees will be treated to an up-close encounter with the former mayor of New York and given a thrilling opportunity to feed him a handful of his favorite food—raw chicken,” CPAC spokesperson Nancy Garner said as she stood outside a 9-by-12-foot enclosure that contained a warming lamp, a sunning rock, a water feature, artificial plants, and the disgraced onetime U.S. attorney for the Southern District of New York. “Can you see him? Those are his heavy-lidded, bloodshot eyes peeking out from under that rock. He may look harmless now, but don’t be fooled. He’s still feral. Be sure to step back as soon as you release the chicken, because he’s going to leap forward and grab it with a big jowly chomp before it even hits the ground. And if you think that’s neat, watch what happens when you throw a few airplane bottles of blended scotch into the cage! Video is allowed, but please refrain from flash photography, as he is quite old and easily disoriented. That’s how Kelly Anne Conway was bitten earlier.” At press time, CPAC was reportedly on lockdown after Rep. Matt Gaetz (R-FL) left the door open while attempting to get a selfie inside the Giuliani tank. |
CPAC Audience Encouraged To Reach Under Chair To Be Groped By Matt Schlapp #~# WASHINGTON—In an announcement that drew enthusiastic applause from the influencers and supporters in attendance, audience members at the Conservative Political Action Conference were reportedly encouraged Thursday to reach under their chairs and receive a complimentary groping from the event’s organizer, Matt Schlapp. “We’ve got a special little treat for attendees this year—just check beneath your seat cushion for a free molestation from Matt Schlapp himself!” CPAC board member Matt Whitaker said to rapturous cheers as he pointed out one attendee after another and confirmed that every last one of them would get a diddling from the influential lobbyist. “You get a fondling! And you get a fondling! And you get a fondling, too! Go ahead, stick whatever body part you want under the seat, and you’ll get a big fun surprise from the head of CPAC!” Whitaker added that one lucky audience member would even get chosen to spend a few minutes alone with Schlapp in his car. |
City Finally Safe After Every Single Resident Hired As Police #~# CHICAGO—In a rousing success story that has eliminated all criminal activity from the streets of the metropolis, Chicago was finally declared safe Thursday after every single resident was hired as a police officer. “As part of our initiative to ensure complete security throughout the city, we have deputized all 2.7 million of our residents,” said Superintendent of Police David O’Neal Brown, who explained that each and every person living within Chicago had been issued a gun and badge and given approximately 2,500 square feet to patrol, allowing the city to at long last be adequately policed. “The initial response has been promising: We’ve seen a dramatic increase in police seizures of civil assets, while robberies have become a thing of the past. And at the same time, we’ve seen the murder rate drop to zero as the justifiable use of deadly force reaches an all-time high.” At press time, everyone in Chicago had been killed after the entire city erupted in friendly fire. |
U.S. Adds $19 Trillion In Debt Attempting To Win Toy For Girlfriend From Claw Machine #~# WASHINGTON—Jeopardizing its creditworthiness and standing on the global stage, the United States has so far added nearly $19 trillion to the national debt through repeated unsuccessful efforts to win its girlfriend a toy from an arcade’s claw machine, sources reported Thursday. “Right, little more, little left—stop!” said Treasury Secretary Janet Yellen, representing the world’s largest economy as she smacked the side of the machine and inserted another quarter in the nation’s 76,282,463,292,192nd attempt to obtain a poodle toy for its girlfriend, who critics argue would be content with a red plush bear in a cowboy hat that is much easier to reach. “What good is the full faith and credit of the United States if we can’t win a present that will make our girl smile? Goddamn it! I thought we had it that time. Call the Fed and tell them we need to mint more quarters! This whole thing is probably rigged, but America has to get that stuffed poodle.” At press time, the United States had reportedly gotten its arm stuck in the machine in an attempt to reach up through the slot and steal a toy. |
What To Know About ‘Hogwarts Legacy’ #~# Two weeks after its release, Hogwarts Legacy has become one of the fastest-selling video games of all time, despite controversy surrounding Harry Potter creator J.K. Rowling. The Onion takes a deep dive into everything you need to know about Hogwarts Legacy. |
Filthy, Grease-Covered Boyfriend Left To Soak In Kitchen Sink For Few Hours #~# PASO ROBLES, CA—Noting that she had procrastinated cleaning him for so long that he had developed a thick, impenetrable layer of grime, local woman Tiffany Watters told reporters Thursday that she had left her filthy, grease-covered boyfriend in the kitchen sink to soak for a few hours. “It’s disgusting, I know, but it had been at least two days since my boyfriend got dirty, and no amount of scrubbing or scraping was getting the food residue off him,” said Watters, adding that there were so many stains, pieces of charred bits, and hardened food scraps stuck to his skin and hair that her only option was to cover the boyfriend in soap, fill up the sink, and submerge him in warm water. “I knew I should have at least tried to wash my boyfriend the second I finished cooking, but he’s not dishwasher safe, and I know it’s bad if you scratch him. I’m just hopeful that leaving him to soak overnight will loosen up some of the crud so I can get him nice and clean again. Otherwise, I’ll probably have to throw him out.” At press time, an impatient Watters reportedly asked if she could use her roommate’s boyfriend for a few hours. |
European Space Agency Proposes New Time Zone For Moon #~# The European Space Agency proposed a new time zone for the Moon, saying there is a need to establish some synchronicity in how we tell time on the Moon as many countries race to explore it. What do you think? |
Sex-Related Injuries That Could Send You To The Hospital #~# Making love can often be far more dangerous than expected. The Onion examines sex-related injuries that could send you to the hospital. |
Shirley Chisholm Proves that Behind Every Great Woman, There’s a Man Who Needs to Shut Up #~# Shirley Chisholm, the first black US Congresswoman, once said “If they don’t give you a seat at the table, bring a folding chair.” Standing up for both Black people and women in America’s halls of power in 1968, the establishment threw everything at her they possibly could to throw her off course—implicit misogyny, racist microaggressions, nosebleed seats for any and all national conventions. |
What Got General Grant Through the Last Days of the Civil War? The Promise of Getting Sh*tfaced #~# Where would American history be without its great drunks? |
Post-Revolution Russian Government Splurged on Takeout, Only to be Thwarted by the Delivery Guy #~# You probably remember the basic elements of the Russian Revolution: the ubiquitous poverty that stoked its flames, the resulting murder of the country’s royal family, the provisional government that tried to pick up the pieces. |
Covid-Era Food Stamp Benefits End #~# The expansion of SNAP benefits, also known as food stamps, that were put in place during the height of the Covid-19 pandemic is ending, pushing about 32 million Americans off a “hunger cliff.” What do you think? |
Sexlicious! Original Version of 'The Kama Sutra' Contained Recipe Pairings #~# Whether you’re an adult who is sexually active—or merely aspires to be—you’ve probably gotten a little curious about freaky stuff at the bookstore. Scanning the shelves for just the right kind of smut, you instead find something refined and sacred—that sensual classic, the oldest and most enduring erotic text in history, The Kama Sutra. |
CEO Relieved AI Can Never Replace Him If He Already Contributes Nothing To Company #~# NEW YORK—Expressing confidence that the new technology wasn’t a threat, FinCorp Solutions CEO Charles Markham reportedly expressed relief Wednesday that artificial intelligence could never replace him if he already contributed nothing to the company. “I actually don’t do anything, so there’s nothing the computer can do better than me,” said Markham, adding that his job was secure since no one was interested in building AI dedicated to wandering around the office or going on vacation for 12 weeks out of the year. “Lucky for me, the current models are striving toward imitating the skills of professional artisans, who possess a level of talent that I don’t have. When AI can sit in a large chair and make money off the backs of others all day, I’ll start to worry about my job.” At press time, sources reported Markham became concerned after finding out that AI was capable of embezzling company money way better than he could. |
New Absolut Ad Features Swaying Mom With One Eye Closed Telling Camera She Used To Dance #~# STOCKHOLM—With sales of the spirit reportedly tripling after the commercial was broadcast in the United States, Swedish vodka brand Absolut debuted a new ad Wednesday that features a mom swaying back and forth with one eye closed as she tells the camera how she used to dance. “Your mom was quite the dancer, you know,” says the slurring subject of the 30-second spot, who spins around her dining room and spills most of the vodka from a glass, twirling what seems to be an invisible partner as she repeatedly bumps into furniture and struggles to maintain her balance. “I was a real looker, too. Not that your father ever noticed. He never dances with me anymore. No one does. Did you know I once had an audition to dance in a Maroon 5 video? But then your father went and knocked me up, and that was that. Now we have you, though! So come on. Come dance with Mommy.” The ad concludes abruptly with the mother beginning to cry when, for no particular reason, she suddenly remembers the death of Princess Diana. |
‘Dilbert’ Comic Strip Dropped After Racist Rant By Creator Scott Adams #~# The company that distributes “Dilbert” has cut ties with creator Scott Adams after he made racist remarks about Black Americans in a YouTube video that led hundreds of newspapers across the country to drop the satirical cartoon. What do you think? |
Russian YouTuber With Pet Panther Struggling To Find Way To Stand Out On Site #~# TYUMEN, RUSSIA—Frustrated by the lack of interest in his content, Russian panther owner Grigory Polyansky told reporters Wednesday that he was struggling to find a way to make his YouTube channel stand out on the site. “I did a video where it meets a dog, I did a video where it meets a house cat, I did a video where it meets a 2-year-old human child, but what chance do I stand of ever breaking through when every Russian on this site is doing the same Goddamn thing?” said Polyansky, who lamented that none of the videos he had uploaded the platform had managed to crack 100 views in a market that was apparently oversaturated with similar creators. “I typed ‘pet panther goes to grocery store’ into the YouTube search bar and I didn’t even show up until the 10th page. I’ve tried everything, and nothing works. I even gave it ketamine. It just feels so hopeless. I’m not even the only guy in my apartment complex with a pet panther.” At press time, Polyansky was finally feeling encouraged after receiving nearly 1,000 views on a video in which he was mauled by the panther. |
Los Angeles Warns Residents Not To Touch Poisoned Food Left Out To Deal With Homeless Infestation #~# LOS ANGELES—Stressing that the traps were not intended for human consumption, Los Angeles officials warned residents Wednesday to not touch poisoned food left out to deal with the city’s homeless infestation. “For their own sake, we’re asking residents to avoid the poisoned bait left near dumpsters, encampments, and parks to address the growing homeless problem,” said L.A. Mayor Karen Bass, adding that it was also dangerous for elderly residents or children to be left unmonitored close to food tainted with hazardous chemicals in case they consumed the poison instead of the intended homeless pests. “We have to do this now because they’re breeding really fast. You can already see all the little homeless out there on the streets.” Bass added that if the poisoned food failed, she would ask Los Angeles residents to evacuate the city for at least 72 hours while officials fumigated it. |
Things To Never Say To Someone During A Bad Drug Trip #~# Using hallucinogens carries the serious risk of a bad trip, but a skilled guide can help talk down a friend or loved one before their feelings of paranoia or anxiety spin out of control. Here’s what not to say to a friend having a bad trip. |
Tennessee School District Bans Holocaust Graphic Novel ‘Maus’ #~# A Tennessee School Board has voted unanimously to ban Maus, a Pulitzer Prize-winning graphic novel about the Holocaust, prompting blowback from critics who say it’s essential to teach children about the genocide. What do you think? |
Red Flags To Look For When Booking An Airbnb #~# This is coded language that strongly suggests the location is on fire. |
Crypto Executives Assuage Environmental Concerns By Unveiling Digital Avatar Of Glacier #~# THE BLOCKCHAIN—In an effort to address mounting pressure from environmental advocates, cryptocurrency executives attempted Monday to address criticism over the massive carbon footprint of their technology by unveiling a digital avatar of a glacier. “We’ve heard your concerns about how crypto mining could exacerbate our global climate crisis, and we want you to know that our planet’s glaciers will always have a home in the metaverse,” said Coinbase CEO Brian Armstrong, revealing that the industry’s top players had pooled their resources to mint a realistic 3D image of an Antarctic glacier as an NFT, one that users could view and interact with in a virtual reality blockchain platform. “This glacier will be able to survive on the blockchain for hundreds, if not thousands, of years. While it may not be made of actual ice, what’s great is that it’s decentralized, which means everyone can have access to it. And in the long run, isn’t that even better than the real thing?” At press time, Armstrong expressed his hope that coral reefs and the northern white rhino would also soon join the metaverse. |
San Jose To Become First City In U.S. To Require Gun Insurance #~# San Jose, CA is the first U.S. city to pass a measure requiring gun owners to buy liability insurance to cover losses or damages resulting from any accidental use of the firearm, including death, injury, or property damage. What do you think? |
U.S. Sends Military Advisors To Peace-Ravaged Country #~# WASHINGTON—Declaring that the current state of affairs had gone on long enough, U.S. officials announced Monday that they were sending military advisors to the peace-ravaged country of Finland. “Starting next month, we’re deploying a team of our most dedicated and belligerent officials to Finland in an effort to finally bring some war and chaos to the region,” said Secretary of State Tony Blinken, adding that the U.S. felt obligated as a global leader to ensure that countries long devastated by decades of brutal peace had the means to finally achieve war. “We have of course tried diplomatic means to end peace in this region, but so far have been unsuccessful, which is why military measures are now deemed necessary. There is a complete lack of religious or ethnic tension that has been stoked by outside foreign powers. We hope that the leaders of Finland will not continue to hold their people hostage with regimes of wanton tranquility and freedom, but will work with the U.S. to bring some much-needed instability to the country. We are hoping to get the situation there as out of control as possible as soon as possible.” Blinken added that the State Department had not ruled out the possibility that more proactive measures to end regional peace might be needed, noting that the Biden administration was exploring precision drone strikes against targets known to house leaders of peaceful factions. |