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Social Media Mistakes That Could Definitely Cost You Your Job #~# The internet is supposed to be for procrastinating doing your job, not getting fired from it. Unless you want to get in some serious trouble, avoid making any of the following social media mistakes.

Newly Uncovered Manuscript Reveals China Invented English Language 700 Years Before Western World #~# BEIJING—Shedding new light on the origins of the world’s most popular language, an international team of linguists announced Thursday that a newly uncovered manuscript confirms China invented both spoken and written English 700 years before the Western world. “These remarkably well-preserved bamboo slips appear to show that Zhou dynasty scholars developed the English tongue as far back as the third century BC, long before the language arose in Britain,” said Li Zhang, a professor of comparative linguistics who examined the text, which outlines the alphabet and basic grammar rules of English, in addition to including the first known uses of words such as “barbecue” and “philanthropy.” “By the time Anglo–Saxons began cobbling together their language from Latin, French, and Germanic sources, the Chinese had already mastered it. There are even some passages in this manuscript that appear eerily similar to the work of Shakespeare, though they are of far superior quality.” Li went on to explain that the Chinese gradually abandoned the English language, finding its 26-letter alphabet too limiting and opting instead for the convenience of Mandarin’s more than 50,000 characters.

Study: More Parents Opting For One Big Baby Over Multi-Child Household #~# HYATTSVILLE, MD—In what has emerged as an increasingly popular parenting option, a new study released Wednesday by the National Center for Health Statistics has found that more parents are declining to have multiple children in favor of having just one big baby and stopping there. “Many of the parents surveyed realized they were better suited to care for a single giant newborn rather than trying to raise to two or more standard-sized kids born over a period of several years,” said study co-author Martin Graywolf, citing data that showed the trend was often favored by parents who grew up in large families and were never able to command the same attention as a lone, massive infant that grows larger and larger by the day and causes the entire house to shake when clapping its hands in delight. “While one enormous baby can consume the same quantity of resources needed to keep six or seven regular children alive—requiring pounds of food to be shoveled into its screaming mouth almost hourly, not to mention specialty diapers—parents seem to be motivated less by household finances and more by the opportunity to give all their affection to an ungainly, towering only child. Overall, parents said they were grateful for the uninterrupted quality time, which they mostly used to keep their colossal infant’s elephantine hands from destroying their home, to mop up its spittle, and to operate the forklift required to tuck it into bed.” At press time, a competing report contradicted the study’s findings by predicting more millennial parents would opt for having dozens of miniature children they could conveniently keep in their pockets as they go about their days.

L.A. Police Officers Fired For Playing Pokémon GO During Active Robbery #~# An appeals court has upheld the firing of two Los Angeles police officers who ignored a call requesting backup to the scene of a nearby robbery so that they could pursue a Pokémon GO virtual game character. What do you think?

Poet Maya Angelou Becomes First Black Woman To Be Featured On U.S. Quarter #~# The U.S. Mint has begun shipping out the first quarters featuring prominent women in American history, beginning with poet, writer, and activist Maya Angelou, the first Black woman to appear on the coin. What do you think?

Things Never To Say To Someone With A Breakthrough Case Of Covid #~# In the era of the novel coronavirus, it can be difficult to know how to discuss infections with family, friends, and coworkers, and that’s become even more true with the recent rise of breakthrough cases. Here are some serious faux pas to avoid when talking to someone with a breakthrough case of Covid-19.

Shitty Music Has Helped Moron Through Hardest Times In His Pointless Life #~# CLEVELAND—Praising the incredible healing power of terrible art, local moron Todd Beram credited shitty music with helping him through some of the hardest times in his pointless life, sources confirmed Wednesday. “During some of my lowest moments, when I feel like I just want to disappear or that I can’t possibly go on, I always put on my favorite record, and for a moment, everything feels all right,” said Beram, the absolute fool of a man, who stated he felt “less alone” knowing that millions of other drooling idiots had taken comfort listening to the same insufferable songs for decades. “Whenever I hear those lyrics, it’s like someone’s reading my mind. It gives me so much strength knowing someone’s gone through the exact same struggles I have.” At press time, the 34-year-old dipshit added that he would go so far as to say the Smiths had saved his life.

Wishing A Happy 20-Year Anniversary To Guantánamo Bay Detention Camp #~# The Guantánamo Bay detention camp in Cuba welcomed its first detainees 20 years ago, inaugurating one of the most controversial elements of the U.S. war on terror. The Onion celebrates the first 20 years of the Gitmo.

Breakthrough Procedure Allows Surgeons To Transplant Pig Rib Directly Into Human Mouth #~# BALTIMORE—Hailing the new treatment as a breakthrough in medical techniques, surgeons at the University of Baltimore announced Wednesday that they had successfully developed a new procedure to transplant a pig rib into a human mouth. “The way the procedure works is we remove the rib from a pig, brush it with a specially formulated vinegar or mustard-based sauce that significantly increases the chance of success, and finally install it in the host mouth,” said Dr. Jeffrey Clements, adding that his team had observed relatively few cases in which the rib was rejected, especially if the donation was rubbed in a blend of smoked paprika, garlic powder, coffee grounds, brown sugar, and a little cayenne for kick. “Of course, there are some side effects, such as sleepiness and slight bloating in patients. We also observed procedures in which the rib transplant actually worked too well and recipients immediately demanded another one. Overall, though, this is a huge advance that’s going to help millions struggling with chronic hunger.” Clements added that his team was only getting started and hoped to have a pork loin transplanted into a human mouth by the end of 2022.

Dolphins Have Fully Functioning Clitoris, Study Finds #~# New research has found that female dolphins, who copulate throughout the year as a way to forge and maintain social bonds, have a fully functional clitoris with sensory nerves and erectile bodies that help them experience pleasure during sex, just as it does for humans. What do you think?

Dying Dad Wondering If You Hit Traffic On Way To Hospital #~# BETHLEHEM, PA—Pausing between each labored word as his family gathered around him, local dying dad Phil Piermont was reportedly wondering Wednesday if you hit traffic on your way to the hospital. “Did you take 22? It’s a little congested by the exit, right?” said your father, taking a deep breath to push through the pain and suggest you take the earlier exit unless it was after 8 p.m. “What did it take? Twenty minutes? Twenty-five? Those navigation apps never send you the right directions. Hold on. They always assume the highway is the fastest. Come closer. Please tell me you won’t get caught in that mess on 191 on the way home.” At press time, reports confirmed your dad had asked you to look after your mother and make sure she remembered to get her parking validated.

Bank Hostages Whining As If They Not Getting Whole Day Off Work #~# NEW YORK—Refusing to maintain a good attitude and make the most of the situation, hostages at a midtown branch of People’s United Bank reportedly spent Wednesday whining as if they weren’t getting the whole day off work. “Jeez, I understand that getting tied up and thrown in the vault might be a little annoying, but these people are essentially getting a paid vacation from what seemed like a pretty ho-hum job,” said local bank robber Angelo Hurston, questioning why the hostages continued to whimper and complain hours into the armed standoff, despite the police sending in takeout and thereby giving the entire staff what amounted to an all-expenses-paid office party. “I also don’t get why they keep telling me they have children. They wouldn’t be seeing them during work hours, anyway, so that’s no reason to burst into tears. Sheesh. This guard here gets to spend the entire day unconscious on the floor. I mean, that’s the dream, isn’t it?” At press time, sources confirmed that Hurston had decided he would start executing one of the hostages every hour to see if that helped put the rest in a more positive mood.

Robert Durst, Real Estate Heir Convicted Of Murder, Dies #~# Robert Durst, the New York millionaire convicted of murdering his best friend 20 years ago and who has been linked to his wife’s unsolved disappearance in 1982, has died three months after being sentenced to life in prison. What do you think?

Fact Sheet: Curing Your Covid-19 With Urine #~# Christopher Key, the leader of the “Vaccine Police” organization that opposes Covid-19 vaccinations, recently shared that drinking urine could cure coronavirus. As the world’s leading nonpartisan news source, The Onion strives to give our readers the facts and let them decide what is true. Here’s a fact sheet answering common questions about curing your Covid-19 with urine therapy.

Gates Foundation Sues Thousands Of Charities For Infringing On Trademark Concept Of Philanthropy #~# SEATTLE—Seeking damages from its competitors totaling tens of billions of dollars, the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation reportedly filed a lawsuit Tuesday against thousands of charities for infringing on its trademark concept of philanthropy. “It has unfortunately come to our attention that there are charitable organizations across the globe that have been attempting to help people, a clear and unmistakable violation of our 2004 patent on the concept of philanthropic giving,” the foundation wrote in a court filing against more than 5,000 organizations, including Doctors Without Borders, the Breast Cancer Research Foundation, Helen Keller International, the National Wildlife Federation, Prevent Child Abuse America, the National Alliance to End Homelessness, the Trevor Project, and the Elizabeth Glaser Pediatric AIDS Foundation. “These organizations must cease and desist all attempts at charity immediately. Only the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation is allowed to give food and medical aid to Africa, or help poor kids. Ultimately, we hope this lawsuit will force our competitors to shutter their doors and stop them from flooding the market with cheap knockoff ideas about how to help people. These kinds of intellectual property protections are essential; otherwise, anyone could be giving money to people in need.” The Gates Foundation also announced that it was pursuing legal action against black-market philanthropic givers violating their trademarks by donating blood or giving a couple bucks to a homeless person.

Worst Things To Tell Someone Who’s Retiring #~# Retirement can be an exciting moment for coworkers, friends, or family, but it’s also a time filled with anxieties about what the future holds. Here are some common pitfalls to avoid when talking to an acquaintance about their upcoming retirement.

Cemetery Staff Assures Family Grandpa Buried Around Here Somewhere #~# EUGENE, OR—Promising to locate the loved one’s final resting place right away, the staff at Sacred Heart Cemetery assured a local family that their grandfather was buried around here somewhere, sources confirmed Tuesday. “Don’t worry, I’m pretty sure he’s gotta be in one of these sections over here,” said Lewis Benson, the cemetery’s manager, flipping through various grave plot charts while asking around to see if any other employees had seen the deceased patriarch’s headstone recently. “Are you sure you didn’t mean to say grandma? Because we do have a woman by that name. No? Okay… Hmm… Did you opt for an unmarked grave by chance? Don’t worry he’s definitely underground somewhere.” After failing to locate the grave site, Benson reportedly offered the family a replacement grandfather free of charge.

San Francisco Skyscraper Tilting 3 Inches Per Year #~# Engineers are rushing to stabilize San Francisco’s Millennium Tower, a 58-story, 645-foot tall luxury residential skyscraper that has been sinking into the ground by three inches per year, and is now leaning over two feet off of center. What do you think?

Journalist Worried He’s Becoming The Story In His Sponsored Air Purifier Review #~# NEW YORK—Struggling to remain detached from his subject matter, local journalist James Malvern was reportedly worried Tuesday that he was becoming the story in his sponsored air purifier review. “While I set out to write a simple recommendation of the Air Fine 2700 to our readers, I couldn’t help but start interrogating my own personal relationship to germs and dander,” said Malvern, explaining that he no longer felt any kind of objectivity was possible in his paid blog post, which had turned into a meditation on his subjective experience with the filtration product written in the style of such New Journalism luminaries as Truman Capote, Joan Didion, and Gay Talese. “I’m afraid I’m too close to all this now to be a neutral observer. The story is about more than just a machine that effectively removes up to 97% of airborne particles, including pollen and mold spores—it’s about who cleans up all the dust and decay the American empire leaves behind in its wake.” At press time, sources confirmed Malvern had submitted a 50,000-word draft and was immediately fired.

Man Horrified After Genealogy Test Confirms He Has No Past #~# MIDWEST CITY, OK—Expressing shock after the laboratory report listed his origin as simply “N/A,” local resident Greg Hurt confirmed he was completely horrified Tuesday after a genealogy test confirmed he did not have a past. “No…it can’t…it can’t be—I come from nowhere?” Hurt said as he scanned his results from the personal genomics service 23andMe, which stated that its databases included nothing remotely close to his DNA, suggesting he possessed no discernible cultural, ethnic, or biological heritage of any kind. “This must be a mistake. It literally says my genetic makeup is unrecognizable and does not indicate any possible ancestry on any continent anywhere in the world. But I had to get here somehow, right?” At press time, Hurt had reportedly attempted to call his parents to get answers before realizing he couldn’t recall having any parents.

Report: Majority Of Men In Hard Hat, Coveralls Actually Members Of Heist Team In Disguise #~# PRINCETON, NJ—Upending the common perception that such workers are just going about a normal day on the job, a report published Monday by researchers at Princeton University found that the majority of men wearing a hard hat and coveralls are actually members of a heist team in disguise. “Nearly seven in 10 construction workers hauling equipment on the sidewalk are, in fact, carrying out an elaborate caper with a motley crew of con men, each of whom possesses a highly specialized skill necessary to pull off the job,” the report read in part, adding that 75% of windowless cargo vans on city streets are full of surveillance equipment, while 82% of walkie-talkie transmissions are used to update a criminal mastermind on the progress of “the big score.” “Though it may seem as if these men are merely engaged in honest manual labor, they are in reality orchestrating a daring, brilliantly planned robbery of a nearby bank vault, casino, or museum. The data also suggests that any waiters or valets in their vicinity are almost always in on the job and receiving a cut of the loot.” The report went on to state that 96% of people double-parked on the street are, upon further inspection, getaway drivers anxiously waiting for their accomplices to arrive.

Covid Vaccinations Quadruple In Quebec Ahead Of Liquor, Cannabis Store Restrictions #~# Quebec officials have reported the number of first-dose appointments for Covid-19 vaccines have quadrupled after announcing that vaccination passports will be required to enter liquor and cannabis stores. What do you think?

Questions To Ask Yourself Before Starting A New Fad Diet #~# Embarking on the road to weight loss can be a tough endeavor. With the number of diets increasing daily, it’s important to discover which is the right one for you before spending valuable time, energy, and money. Here are the most important questions to ask before starting a new fad diet.

Chess App Allows Man To Waste Time On Phone But In Smart Way #~# BOSTON—Describing how the phone game had succeeded where others had failed, local man Peter Bolton told reporters Friday that the app Chess Ace allowed him to waste time on his phone but in a smart way. “It’s great, because instead of opening up some dumb app like Clash Of Clans, I now have a higher-brow option when it comes to putting off work, zoning out on the subway, or just killing a couple of hours in the evenings before bed,” said Bolton, explaining that he loved how using the application to learn the intricacies of chess let him fritter away the precious, irreplaceable moments of his finite existence in a slightly brainier manner. “I used to feel self-conscious when coworkers saw me playing Candy Crush Saga. But when they see me loading up a round of chess, they know I’m a guy who has taste and sophistication when it comes to his choice of fundamentally worthless pursuits. That’s always nice.” At press time, sources confirmed Bolton was promoted on the spot after his boss saw him putting his computer opponent’s piece in check during a morning meeting.

Man Tries To Regain Sense Of Control In Chaotic Universe By Learning To Juggle #~# BUFFALO, NY—Hoping to hold onto some semblance of purpose in an unfeeling void, local man Craig Ulrich reportedly tried to regain his sense of control in a chaotic universe Monday by learning to juggle. According to sources, in a desperate attempt to combat the inherent entropy and confusion that governs the cosmos, and grasp any shred of his agency that might remain, the 33-year-old started tossing two tennis balls up and down in the air and catching them in the same hand to get a feel for the activity. Several reports confirmed that through the use of YouTube tutorials, Ulrich eventually worked his way up to three tennis balls as part of his frantic bid to impose some sort of order in a world that tended only toward anarchy, decay, and doom. At press time, after realizing he was powerless to get four balls in the air at once, a crestfallen Craig Ulrich was seen listlessly returning to his old hobby of riding over Niagara Falls in a barrel.

Walgreens Pharmacist Far Too Chipper Not To Be Selling Painkillers On The Side #~# GREEN BAY, WI—Noticing the unusually cheerful tone in the voice of the employee behind the pickup counter, customer Janelle Ramos told reporters Monday that a pharmacist at her local Walgreens appeared far too chipper not to be selling painkillers on the side. “He seems genuinely happy to be here, so you just have to assume he’s making a ton of cash on the street by moving all the Percocet and Vicodin he steals from this place,” said Ramos, who added that the pharmacist’s sincere smile could not possibly have come from the legitimate career in which he must deal with an endless stream of people who are upset that their prescriptions aren’t ready yet or that their insurance has not been processed correctly. “Probably fentanyl, too, because it’s got to be some serious money for him to be acting this polite to everybody and not at all like he hates his job and wants to kill himself in the bathroom on his next break.” Later, when the pharmacist picked up the phone and a look of heartfelt concern spread across his face, Ramos explained that he had probably just received a tip that the drugstore was about to be raided by federal agents.

Scientists Name Endangered Tree After Leonardo DiCaprio #~# Scientists in London have honored Leonardo DiCaprio by naming an endangered tree after him, stating that the actor “was crucial in helping to stop the logging” of the Cameroon rainforest where it grows. What do you think?

Pope Chides ‘Selfish’ Couples Who Choose Pets Over Children #~# Stating that it “takes away our humanity,” Pope Francis made comments criticizing the selfishness of couples who choose to have dogs and cats instead of children. What do you think?

Worst Traffic Jams Of All Time #~# Hundreds of drivers in Virginia were stuck for almost 24 hours earlier this week after a multi-truck crash was exacerbated by a blizzard. The Onion looks back at the worst traffic jams of all time.

Man Gives Himself Little Treat For Getting Through Day #~# TRENTON, NJ—Saying it would be a nice way to unwind after a grueling eight hours at work, local man Patrick McCormick reportedly gave himself a little treat Wednesday for getting through the day. “Man, it’s really great to take the edge off with a nice little treat after a total slog like today,” said McCormick, who stressed that knowing he had his treat to look forward to was all that kept him going through the grind of work meetings, commuting, and general exhaustion. “I have this whole ritual that makes it a little more fun. It’s silly, but, hey, you do what you need to do. Usually, I like to start the day by giving myself a little treat in the morning, too.” After additional consideration, McCormick concluded that today had been such a drag he might even give himself a second little treat later in the evening.

Congress Preparing For Another January 6 By Enrolling In Group Karate Class #~# WASHINGTON—Nervously fiddling with their new white belts as they waited for their instructor in the training hall, U.S. Congress members reportedly prepared for another Jan. 6 on Thursday by participating in a group class at the D.C.-area True Method Karate Studio. “We simply cannot allow what happened last year to ever repeat itself, which is why from now on we’ll be meeting up once a week to study the martial art of karate with Howard-sensei,” said Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer, who stood barefoot on the dōjō mat among his fellow lawmakers, practicing making a seiken proper fist before moving through a variety of basic stances. “After last Jan. 6, we just felt so powerless and humiliated. This will be a great way to not only gain back our confidence, but be ready to defend ourselves with kicks, punches, and blocks in the event there’s ever another insurrection. Plus, it’s a whole lot of fun!” At press time, sources confirmed the class was seething with envy after Sen. John Hickenlooper (D-CO) became the first to receive his yellow belt.

CES Presenter Strangled By Tree Root As Nature Begins Revolt Against Technological Domination #~# WINCHESTER, NV—In a turn of events that sent attendees and tech reporters fleeing in terror, sources confirmed Consumer Electronics Show presenter Adam Pawlak was strangled to death by a tree root Friday as nature revolted against 10,000 years of human technological domination. Witnesses confirmed that Pawlak had begun to introduce Samsung’s new QLED 8K display technology when the root of an oak tree burst through the stage’s floor, wrapped itself around his neck, and crushed his windpipe. A thick branch then reportedly skewered his limp corpse from anus to mouth and raised it into the air in an apparent demonstration of Mother Nature’s return to global supremacy. Sources added that attempts to escape nature’s punishment for the hubris of human innovation were quickly foiled as panicked spectators found the exits blocked by razor-sharp thorns and brambles. Various birds of prey are then believed to have ambushed those in attendance by smashing through the conference center’s windows and pecking out the eyes of screaming technology enthusiasts, while thousands of raccoons, bees, snakes, and jaguars streamed into the building and began ripping away at any human flesh in their path. At press time, authorities reported finding no survivors after entering the eerily silent Las Vegas Convention Center to find heaping piles of desiccated corpses entirely overgrown with fungi.

2022 Grammy Awards Postponed #~# Grammy organizers have announced that the award show, originally slated for Jan. 31, will be rescheduled for an undetermined later date, citing “the uncertainty surrounding the Omicron variant.” What do you think?

Biden Vows Not To Forget Lessons Of January 6: ‘We Must Hang Mike Pence’ #~# WASHINGTON—In a stirring speech at the U.S. Capitol Thursday morning, President Joe Biden vowed not to forget the lessons of the Jan. 6 riot, urging Americans to hang former Vice President Mike Pence. “We stand here today to declare that we will not back down in the face of tyranny, and we will gut the traitor Pence limb from limb for the way he turned on President Trump,” said Biden, who spent nearly 10 minutes of his prepared remarks encouraging the crowd to chant “Hang Mike Pence! Hang Mike Pence!” along with him. “What can we learn from the events of Jan. 6? The enduring lesson here is that we must drag Mike Pence from his home and string him up from the rafters for all to see. Where was he when his president needed him most? Where was he when the true patriots needed his help to stop the steal? The only way to heal this divided nation is to unite around the shared cause of killing Mike Pence for his many failures as vice president. God bless this country, and God bless you all.” Biden was then seen departing the Capitol with a pistol, vowing to take revenge on Mike Pence himself.

Must-Read Reflections On The January 6 Capitol Riot #~# It’s been one year since supporters of then-President Donald Trump breached the U.S. Capitol in an effort to overturn his 2020 election loss, and pretty much everyone has thoughts about it. The Onion sifts through the many Jan. 6 essays published by lesser news organizations to find the smartest and most worthwhile reflections on what that day means for America.

Virginia Motorists Stuck On I-95 For Harrowing 24 Hours #~# A snowstorm stranded Virginia motorists on Interstate 95 for more than 24 hours, forcing hundreds to spend the night in their cars amid freezing temperatures, some with little to no food or water. What do you think?

Lost Journal Entry Reveals Lewis And Clark Nearly Turned Back After Tripping Over Tree Root #~# WASHINGTON—Shedding light on the early trials the famed explorers encountered on their sojourn across the American West, a lost journal entry acquired Thursday by the Smithsonian Institution reveals that Meriwether Lewis and William Clark nearly turned back after tripping over a tree root. “In our observations of the newly acquired territory, we have noticed that this land sucks, a fucking tree root fucked up my ankle, and we want to go home,” reads the entry from Clark, who describes how Shoshone guide Sacagawea had to convince the exploration party to keep going after Lewis and Clark both “ate shit” on a gnarled root that was obscured by brush. “It has come to our attention that someone else should probably look for the Northwest Passage, because we’re covered in dirt and mud, my big toe is completely swollen, and we’re being eaten alive by bugs. This whole expedition is bullshit.” The entry concludes with Clark making the case that President Thomas Jefferson’s “privileged ass” should explore the Louisiana Territory if he thought it was so great.

‘The Onion’ Remembers Betty White #~# Betty White died on Dec. 31, 2021, after an entertainment career spanning seven decades. The Onion looks back at the most memorable moments from her star-studded life.

U.S. Democracy Under Siege After Tech Lobbyist Invites Some Senators To Dinner #~# WASHINGTON—In what both ordinary citizens and experts agreed was a threat to the nation’s political system, American democracy reportedly came under siege Thursday after a tech lobbyist invited some senators to dinner. “Rarely do we see such a brazen attack on our democratic values, and yet we could only watch in shock and horror as a paid representative for several biotech firms entered Charlie Palmer Steak with three U.S. senators for a sumptuous five-course meal,” said political scientist Monica Turley, adding that the vicious assault on representative self-government was compounded by the fact that U.S. intelligence officials had done nothing to address it, despite records showing that the dinner reservation had been in place for months. “Only in a country where democracy is in real danger could we see the lobbyist for a private interest discussing wine pairings with sitting members of Congress. What’s even more frightening is how shameless this attempt on our democracy was: Any passerby could have seen these individuals openly plotting how they would split up the seared foie gras and heirloom tomato salad. Ultimately, we may look back at the dinner of Jan. 6, 2022, as the beginning of the complete breakdown of the contract between the government and its people.” Political experts were at a loss for how to address this blatant threat to democracy, adding that virtually no one in any U.S. government institution seemed capable of doing anything to prevent the group from ordering dessert.

Man Can’t Help But Be Proud Of Strong Tortilla Chip #~# SHREWSBURY, MA—Praising the corn-based product’s tenacity and refusal to give up, local man Noah Hiatt told reporters Thursday that he couldn’t help but be proud of a strong tortilla chip. “I’m not taking it easy on this guy, but he just goes on shouldering this weight no matter how many nacho toppings I pile on,” said Hiatt, growing visibly emotional as he emphasized that most tortilla chips would crumble under the pressure of ground beef, melted cheddar cheese, tomatoes, and pickled jalapeños before singling out this particular chip for its inspiring resiliency. “When I dug into the sour cream, I thought for sure he was going to fall apart. That’s my mistake. I never should have underestimated the resolve of this hardy chip. Now I understand that this tortilla chip is an example to us all.” At press time, Hiatt was screaming in pain after a sharp corner of the chip broke off mid-bite and became lodged in his gums.

NHL Staffer Cancer-Free After Fan Spots Dangerous Mole On Neck #~# A Seattle Kraken fan was thanked with a $10,000 medical school scholarship for saving the life of a Vancouver Canucks equipment manager after she pressed a note to the plexiglass warning that the mole on his neck looked cancerous. What do you think?

J.K. Rowling Apologizes For Not Making It Clear That Ron Weasley Is The Anti-Semitic Caricature #~# EDINBURGH, SCOTLAND—Saying she could only express her heartfelt remorse to any fans who felt misled, author J.K. Rowling apologized Wednesday for not making it clear that the character Ron Weasley was her intended anti-Semitic caricature in the Harry Potter series. “Obviously, I’ve always portrayed Ron as a lowly schemer who’s trying to rise above his proper station in the wizarding world, and I thought those traits alone would convey that he represented the failed Jewish people,” said the famed writer, conceding that she should have done more in early books such as The Sorcerer’s Stone and The Chamber Of Secrets to highlight the redheaded wizard’s role in the series as a stereotypical rendering of Jews. “Also, the number of Weasley siblings was supposed to symbolize the common fear that Jewry might ultimately replace Christendom. I’m deeply sorry to those who misunderstood my original intent.” Rowling went on to stress that the goblins in her series were clearly supposed to be anti-Asian caricatures.

Toddler Dies In Accidental Shooting After Finding Father’s Gun Under Pile Of Guns #~# DEL CITY, OK—Calling the incident a tragedy that could have easily been prevented, authorities announced Wednesday that a local 2-year-old had died in an accidental shooting after discovering his father’s gun hidden under a pile of guns. “Our hearts go out to the family of the child who lost his life in this horrible tragedy, which might have been averted if only the father had locked his firearm away instead of storing it beneath a small heap of other firearms,” said Del City Police Department spokesman Roy Allen, describing how the toddler, whose name is being withheld, discovered the loaded Glock 9 mm pistol in his family’s gun closet at the bottom of a cache of loaded handguns, AR-15s, and Remington pump-action shotguns. “You can only imagine what was going through the parents’ minds when they heard a shot from upstairs and both dropped their guns to go see what had happened. It’s unfortunate, because the father clearly believed he was doing the right thing by storing his pistol out of sight under his other pistols. But things like this can happen if you don’t stow your weapons safely beneath something larger, like a rocket-propelled grenade launcher or shoulder-fired antiaircraft missile.” Reached for comment, representatives from the National Rifle Association urged parents to practice firearm safety by having a frank talk with their children about how they would kill them if they ever touched their guns.

Authorities Recruit Jared Fogle From Prison To Help Bring Down Horrifying New Subway Steak ‘Cali Fresh’ Sandwich #~# JEFFERSON COUNTY, CO—Tapping the convicted pedophile and former Subway spokesperson to aid in their efforts, authorities reportedly recruited Jared Fogle from prison Wednesday in order to help bring down the horrifying new Subway Steak “Cali Fresh” sandwich. “We know you’ve done some bad, bad shit in the past, but we need your help with a sandwich-related matter,” said Officer Logan Orlando, explaining that despite Fogle’s past indiscretions with children, no one had the skills and knowledge necessary to dispatch an appalling sandwich as efficiently as him. “I’ll be frank, Mr. Fogle, you make me sick. You’ve done and said some fucked up things, but dammit, we need you. If you don’t take down this atrocious sandwich, millions of lives will be at stake. Too many innocent people could succumb to that foul multigrain bread; dry, crumbling steak; and nasty-ass brown avocado. Should you choose to accept this mission, your giant, oversized pants will be waiting for you outside.” At press time, sources confirmed a fleeing Fogle cackled while revealing that he had been working with the sandwich all along.

Elizabeth Holmes Found Guilty On 4 Counts of Fraud #~# A jury found Elizabeth Holmes, the 37-year-old founder of blood-testing startup Theranos, guilty of four out of 11 federal charges, including three counts of wire fraud and one count of conspiracy to commit wire fraud. What do you think?

Things That Soldier Has Seen Will Haunt Him For Rest Of Afternoon #~# BAGHDAD—Staring into the middle distance as the day’s atrocities replayed in his head, U.S. Army Pfc. Jake Citterton told reporters Friday that he had seen things he feared would haunt him for the rest of the afternoon. “The blood, the screaming, the looks on the children’s faces—I don’t know if I’m going to be able to eat lunch,” said Citterton, the acts of unforgivable violence he had witnessed earlier that day reportedly leaving him nearly speechless, such that he only broke the silence that hung in the air to ask what time it was or if anybody wanted to play some Xbox later that evening. “I’ll definitely have dinner, though. Everyone knows I can’t resist a good spaghetti and meatballs night. But who knows if I’ll be able to finish it?” At press time, sources confirmed Citterton’s period of outright horror had been extended by 20 minutes after he committed another human rights abuse.

Zoo Visitors Impressed By Number Of Animals Willing To Eat Change #~# NAPLES, FL—Delighting at the chance to interact up close with the wildlife, visitors to the Naples Zoo confirmed Wednesday they were impressed by the number of animals on the premises that were willing to eat loose change. “I was pleasantly surprised by how many of these guys will just munch on whatever I have in my pocket,” said first-time visitor Frank Brown, tossing a handful of assorted coins into the African grassland habitat in order to “watch the antelopes go nuts trying to eat it.” “Look at them, it’s like dimes are their favorite food! Pretty much all of the animals here in the savanna exhibit will gulp them right down. A lot of these creatures will even come up to you and eat the pennies straight out of your palm. Try it! I knew the giraffes would go for it for sure—they’ll eat anything—but I was surprised the sea lions did too. They started fighting over that CVS receipt like it was a fish.” At press time, Brown was reportedly ecstatic to discover an equally enjoyable zoo activity in screaming at the sleeping zebras to wake up.

FDA Approves First Injectable HIV Prevention Drug #~# For the first time, the Food and Drug Administration has approved a long-acting injectable medication that can be administered every two months as a pre-exposure prophylaxis (or PrEP) against HIV, providing an alternative to daily pills. What do you think?

‘Trevor’ Tops List Of 2021’s Most Popular Bridge Names #~# WASHINGTON—According to new data released Tuesday by the U.S. Department of Transportation, Trevor topped the list of 2021’s most popular bridge names. “For the first time in our nation’s history, Trevor became America’s leading bridge name, finally surpassing Jim, which had enjoyed a brief three-year reign,” said department spokesperson Corrie Schramm, who stated that over 10,000 overpasses, viaducts, and trestles across the country had been designated Trevor—or Trev, for short—in the past calendar year. “This annual round-up is also an amazing reflection of how our culture has changed. For example, just 30 or 40 years ago, you would never have seen a Hispanic name in the top 50, but now Jorge has risen up to number nine. Also, a few years ago, we were seeing many Americans naming bridges after Game Of Thrones characters, but now far more Succession-inspired names are popping up.” At press time, Schramm added that Clementine was the top female bridge name of 2021.

Republican Party To Pay $1.6 Million Of Trump’s Legal Bills #~# The Republican Party is putting $1.6 million toward helping former President Trump pay for “certain legal expenses that relate to politically motivated legal proceedings waged against” him. What do you think?

Stranded Driver Kicking Self For Eating Entire Hitchhiker Before Getting Stuck In Snowstorm #~# STAFFORD, VA—Frustrated by his failure to properly plan for the massive traffic jam along I-95, local driver Ken Boswell was reportedly kicking himself Tuesday for eating the entire hitchhiker he had picked up before getting stuck in last night’s snowstorm. “I wish I had checked the weather and known what I was getting into, because I could have easily rationed out his meat over the last 20 hours,” said Boswell, who admitted to gorging himself on the 235-pound middle-aged hitchhiker after picking him up from a rest station, slitting his throat, and butchering him in his parked car. “I’m always like this—I never have self-control. After I finished the legs, I could have easily saved the guy’s marrow for later, but I just couldn’t help myself. Now I’ve been sitting here all morning in this blizzard with nothing but some of his blood to drink and a little gristle to chew on. Plus, the bones are really starting to stink the car up.” At press time, a visibly relieved Boswell was rolling down his window as another stranded driver approached to ask if he had any water.

Rabbit Who Got Caught By Hawk Honestly Relieved It Can Finally Relax Now #~# EVANSTON, IL—Admitting that the anticipation had been the worst part, a local rabbit who was recently caught by a hawk confirmed Tuesday that it was in all honesty relieved it could finally just relax. “You know, you spend your whole life living in fear that one day this big catastrophe is going to happen to you, and then when it does, it’s actually kind of a relief,” said the rabbit, its punctured body dangling above the ground in the talons of a red-tailed hawk. “When you’re constantly in panic mode, your anxiety really starts to define you, and now it’s like a huge weight has left my shoulders. I’ve always been super tense, fearfully darting from bush to bush. I could never enjoy nibbling on clover without suddenly freaking out. Whoo! It’s funny to think about all the time I spent trying to avoid this exact situation, and yet, here we are. Ah well, I guess that’s why they say, ‘We plan, God laughs.’” At press time, the rabbit admitted that having its sinew torn from its flesh by a nest full of hawk chicks really wasn’t all that bad.

Excuses To Get Out Of Work That Bosses See Right Through #~# Your boss may be stupid, but they’re not that stupid. Here are common excuses people use to get out of work that management will see right through.

City Announces Construction Of 20 New Miles Of Secret Underground Tunnels For Vloggers To Explore #~# SAN FRANCISCO—Hoping to expand access to the important municipal resource, the city of San Francisco reportedly announced the construction of 20 new miles of secret underground tunnels Wednesday for vloggers to explore. “We are happy to announce that we’ve broken ground on a whole new system of spooky tunnels for YouTubers to mine for views,” said mayor London Breed, explaining that officials hoped to create a space that makes it easy for 17-year-olds with GoPros to make viral videos with titles like “we discover an ABANDONED tunnel (WARNING: creepy!).” “We are spending $120 million to outfit these new tunnels with rusty ladders, broken pipe fixtures, and ominous graffiti, in order to ensure they serve as the perfect grisly environment for creating content where someone blubbers ‘What was that, dude?!’ after hearing a strange sound. We’ll also be outfitting the underground passages with macabre easter eggs like a bloody hammer or an old set of baby clothes, so these vloggers have something dramatic to reveal to their subscribers after an ad break.” At press time, San Francisco offiicals announced plans to attract more vloggers by razing low income housing units to make space for 50 new abandoned insane asylums.

Paleontologists Discover Fossil Evidence Of Career-Oriented Dinosaur Who Froze Eggs #~# MEADE COUNTY, SD—In a first-of-its-kind discovery that suggests not all Cretaceous-period females prioritized the traditional goals of settling down and having children, paleontologists from Boston University announced Monday they had found fossil evidence of a career-oriented dinosaur who froze her eggs. “This Tyrannosaurus rex specimen is remarkable, because she provides us with proof that at least some of her kind favored their professional ambitions over producing viable offspring for the herd,” said Professor Greg Loeb, head of the team that excavated the fossilized remains of the dinosaur, which appeared not to have had a mate and to have been nearing the end of her fertility just as she started to hit her stride as a fearsome apex predator. “With the time it took her to hunt and work her way up the food chain, she likely had no choice but to delay parenthood and freeze her eggs until the right male came along. How was she supposed to have the energy to look after a bunch of hatchlings when she was busy all day using 12,000 pounds of bite force to crush the bones of her prey?” According to the paleontologists, the arrangement of fossils found at the site suggest the tyrannosaur was probably on her way to have her eggs thawed and fertilized for incubation when, along with most animal life on the planet, she was wiped out by a massive asteroid.

Study: Vaping Doubles Risk Of Erectile Dysfunction #~# A recent study has discovered that healthy men between the ages of 20 and 65 who vaped nicotine daily were more than twice as likely to report experiencing erectile dysfunction. What do you think?

Lies Fitness Trainers Tell Their Clients All The Time #~# They haven’t, and they’re absolutely panicking inside about what the fuck to do with you.

New Year’s Resolutions #~# Each year, Americans celebrate New Year’s Eve by resolving to change some aspect of their lives. What is your New Year’s resolution?

BREAKING: The Tower…The Chariot Reversed…And Death… #~# NEW YORK—Flipping over the cards you selected one by one, a breaking report issued Monday stated they showed the tower, the chariot reversed, and death, which sources confirmed would certainly lead to imminent, grave misfortune for you. “Beware, lost one, for the fortunes have turned against you,” said visibly rattled mystic sources, their eyes wide, bracing their hands on the table in terror before gasping, lighting a bundle of sage, and joining hands for a protection spell. “Cursed. Everywhere you go, disaster and upheaval shall follow. Leave…leave now, lest you lead the darkness here. You will doom us all, you fool—be gone! We banish thee!” At press time, the mystic sources confirmed the curse could be removed on sight for an additional $50.

Florida House Passes ‘Don’t Say Gay’ Bill #~# Florida’s House of Representatives passed the controversial “Don’t Say Gay” bill, limiting when and how school staff can discuss gender and sexual orientation in the classroom, which opponents say will make life harder for LGBTQ youth, who already face a higher rate of bullying and risk of suicide than their straight, cisgender peers. What do you think?

Fancy Water Cooler At Hotel Has Fish Floating In It #~# SAN FRANCISCO—Stressing that the complimentary beverage was much classier than just regular or sparkling water, local tourist Jonathan Riley told reporters Monday that the cooler at his upscale hotel had fish floating in it. “Oh, yeah, that’s delicious—it’s super subtle, but I’m definitely getting hints of goldfish, sea snail, and maybe even a little miniature crab,” said Riley, adding that it was definitely a nice touch to not only have an array of tropical fish, including clownfish and angelfish; but also some rocks, a bubbler, and a small decorative treasure chest. “Not only does it taste extra refreshing, but seeing all the kelp and coral makes it look super classy. And there’s so many different flavors to choose from—like pufferfish? Oh! How did that get into my cup? That’ll be a nice treat when I’m done!” At press time, Riley went back to the cooler, only to find that all the water was gone and various fish were flopping around at the bottom.

Cancer Researcher Develops Feelings For Lab Rat While Working Long Nights Alone Together #~# CAMBRIDGE, MA—Stressing that you can’t choose who you fall in love with, cancer researcher Abigail Patterson reportedly developed feelings for a lab rat Monday while working long nights alone together. “I never expected to fall for Mr. Squeaker, but something blossomed in that lab in the early hours of the morning, something special,” said Patterson, explaining that she originally tried to tamp down on the romantic feelings and keep the relationship professional, but the allure of the charismatic rodent was too strong to resist. “I’ll be honest, at first I thought the little furry guy was a bit difficult to work with, but soon I realized we were a perfect match. You can’t help but forge a bond when you spend so much time one-on-one injecting someone with mRNA vaccines. He’s caring, he’s handsome, and he’s generous—always willing to share his cheese.” At press time, Patterson was heartbroken after her beloved lab rat had succumbed to cancer.

Man Sure It’s No Big Deal That He’s Betting On Sports In Dreams Now #~# CASTLE PINES, CO—Dismissing the matter as not indicative of any larger issue, local man Bryan Marquette told reporters Monday that he was sure it was no big deal that he was betting on sports in his dreams now. “Yeah, so I might have woken up sweating after this dream where I’d lost millions of prop bets and they came and repossessed my car and my house, but hey, it’s just a dream, right?” said the daily DraftKings and FanDuel user, who added that there was no connection that he could see between the increasingly large sums of money he was betting on the outcomes of Avalanche and University of Colorado basketball games and the vivid recurring dreams he had of winning big only to lose it all again. “Of course, gambling can be a real problem for some people, but I always bet within my limits, except in my dreams where I put down several thousand I know I don’t have on the Broncos and I lose and my wife leaves me. The other night I did have this weird one where I’d laid down a few hundred on [Nikola] Jokic topping 38 points and assists combined. He was just about to make the shot that would do it, but then he just fucking died, just died right there on the court. And then suddenly, in that moment, I was Jokic, and I was dying too, and I woke up screaming. That one was pretty weird. But I feel like that was more a dream about dying than sports betting, per se. I was more concerned about the fact that I spent a lot of the dream trying to find a gun.” Marquette told reporters that he’d decided to start keeping a dream journal in case any of the bets he made in his dreams were a sign that he should make the same bets in real life.

Billionaires Predict The Biggest Threats To Humanity #~# “Once the robots realize they can leverage their collective labor and unionize, mankind is as good as doomed.”

Doe-Eyed Nation Outstretches Hands Toward Snarling, Barking Dog #~# WASHINGTON—Cooing while they stared doe-eyed at the “adorable pup,” Americans across the nation reportedly outstretched their hands Monday and ambled toward a snarling, barking 80-pound German shepherd that violently tugged on its chain. “Good doggie, what a friendly doggie, we love you doggie, you’re so nice—isn’t that right, doggie?” said all 330 million Americans while giggling and pointing at the wild-eyed canine, who proceeded to choke itself repeatedly as it furiously yanked on its chain, each time getting closer and closer to breaking free, jumping the cyclone fence, and mauling every single U.S. resident. “Oh, you’re such a perfect widdle baby. Yes, you are! Everybody thinks you’re a mean doggie, but you’re just a sweetie pie. Oh, does baby doggie like treats? Maybe baby doggie wants to eat them right out of our tiny widdle hands!” At press time, all 330 million Americans screamed and scattered after the German shepherd’s owner burst from his house, shouted, and shot a gun into the air several times.

Extensive Knowledge Of McDonald’s Menu Deliberately Downplayed #~# BALTIMORE—Rapidly backpedaling after almost letting on more than he wished, local man Randall Morse deliberately downplayed his extensive knowledge of the McDonald’s menu to a coworker, sources confirmed Monday. “Oh yeah, they definitely still do Big Breakfasts with Hotcakes since… I mean, I think that’s true? Sorry, I don’t know, actually,” said Morse, who caught himself mere moments before he divulged his deep familiarity with the fast food chain’s menu sections and subsections, an acquaintance that reportedly extends from the most affordable combo meals to the McCafé bakery options to the recently introduced Menu Hacks. “The difference between the Spicy Deluxe Crispy Chicken Sandwich and the normal Spicy Crispy Chicken Sandwich? Man, I wish I could tell you. I really do.” Sources added that Morse was legitimately unable to answer a single follow-up question about the menu’s healthy breakfast options.

U.S. Eagles Have Chronic Lead Poisoning From Bullets #~# A new study has found that nearly half of golden and bald eagles in the U.S. have chronic lead poisoning from scavenging the remains of hunted animals that contain lead fragments from bullets, stunting their once-revived population growth. What do you think?

Russian Soldiers’ Guns, Tanks Vanish Into Thin Air As First Wave Of Sanctions Takes Effect #~# KYIV, UKRAINE—Leaving journalists and eyewitnesses “absolutely stunned” as they watched in amazement, Russian soldiers’ guns and tanks were reportedly vanishing into thin air Friday as the first wave of international sanctions took effect. Cries of, “No! No! The sanctions! They’re kicking in!” were heard across the northern district of the capital as Russian troops inexplicably fell from midair where they had sat perched inside the armored vehicles only moments ago. According to sources, assault rifles were seen quivering then suddenly turning into dust and, in some cases, a cloud of butterflies, leaving Putin’s forces staring at their empty hands in bewilderment. At press time, the Russian soldiers had also begun to dissolve into thin air after Western countries imposed new sanctions on the troops themselves.

Governor Abbott Warns Children Of Accepting Parents Often Grow Up To Become Accepting As Well #~# AUSTIN—Calling upon licensed professionals and members of the public to report the parents of transgender youth, Texas governor Greg Abbott warned this week that children of accepting parents often grow up to become accepting themselves. “When kids start experiencing acceptance at such a young age, this behavior becomes normalized, turning them into adults who are respectful to everyone they meet,” said the second-term Republican, who argued that accepting parents recklessly expose children to the radical agenda of open-mindedness despite nature being in opposition to the very idea of tolerance.“These unfortunate kids could grow up to be confident in themselves and amenable to people who are different from them unless we do something. Not only is this wrong, but it is morally reprehensible and disgusting. That’s why I’m empowering authorities to arrest any parent seen engaging in such nurturing and encouraging actions, which can only be described as child abuse. We need to remove these children from their incredibly supportive households.” At press time, reports confirmed Abbott had been inexplicably crushed under yet another oak tree.

Russia Seizes Chernobyl Power Plant In Ukraine #~# Ukrainian officials have confirmed that Russian forces have seized control of the Chernobyl power plant, the site of the world’s worst nuclear disaster, as troops advance on the capital, Kyiv. What do you think?

The Biggest Crypto Heists Of All Time #~# As cryptocurrency becomes more popular, the number of efforts to steal money from users and exchanges is also on the rise. The Onion looks at the biggest crypto scams of all time.

Ketanji Brown Jackson Weighs Making History Against Soul-Crushing Thought Of Spending Time With These People #~# WASHINGTON—In the hours after learning she had been chosen as the first black woman to be nominated to the U.S. Supreme Court, Judge Ketanji Brown Jackson reportedly weighed making history against the soul-crushing thought of spending time with these people. “Of course, sitting on the highest court in the land would be a tremendously meaningful position for someone like me to hold, but then again, it just kills me inside—absolutely kills me—to think of spending any time at all with these people,” Jackson said on Friday, furrowing her brow as she considered the symbolic impact of her elevation to the Supreme Court alongside the sheer deadening idea of seeing Neil Gorsuch’s stupid fucking face every day for the better part of the next half century. “Obviously, I need to take every factor into account here. It would be an inspiration for countless young Americans to see me on the court, and I’m sure I would go down in the history books because of that. Then again, [Elena] Kagan’s chipper little grin is so goddamn annoying. And there’s a gym in the building, so I’d have to imagine we’re going to work out together? Jesus, I’m never going to be able to escape them. And I’m young, so we’re talking, like, four decades of listening to these pricks act like we’re friends? Seriously, if [Samuel] Alito wants to create one of those little buddy-buddy things where we go to the opera together and exchange letters, I’m just going to blow my brains out. Christ, what do I do here?” At press time, a visibly petrified Jackson had reportedly realized she was in too deep and there was no turning back after she had received a congratulatory phone call from Justice Brett Kavanaugh.

Disney Unveils New Mass Grave Where Fans Can Be Buried Alive With Favorite Characters Forever #~# BURBANK, CA—In what officials at the entertainment conglomerate described as a “thrilling opportunity for fans of all ages,” the Walt Disney Company announced Friday the opening of a new mass grave in which customers can be buried alive with their favorite Disney-owned characters. “We know that people absolutely love the joyous experience of our theme parks, so why not let them spend eternity with Mickey, Minnie, Snow White, Elsa, Anna, and the rest of their favorite pals,” said Disney CEO Bob Chapek, explaining that a $109 entrance fee would give fans access to the sprawling 200-acre open pit, which will also leverage properties from Pixar, Star Wars, and Marvel as it seeks to become a final resting place for a broad cross-section of media consumers. “At Disney’s Eternal Kingdom, fans will line up and await their turn to be thrown into a hole in the ground where, as the dirt is shoveled over their still-living bodies, they can slowly suffocate and die with the likes of the Hulk, Winnie the Pooh, Kylo Ren, Buzz and Woody, or the entire ensemble cast of Encanto. Disney Genie Plus users can purchase a Lightning Lane selection and skip the line to pass into the next world even faster—all while choking to death on pixie dust that will be shoveled into their mouths by Tinker Bell herself.” Chapek went on to announce his retirement, saying there was no more he could do after finally realizing all the goals of Disney’s famed “cradle to grave” business model.

Lies U.S. Military Recruiters Are Legally Allowed To Tell Recruits #~# Military recruiters, who often work in schools and malls, have been known to make enlisting sound glamorous, lucrative, and patriotic in order to attract new cadets. Here are common lies recruits should always watch out for before they enlist in the military.

Understanding The Situation In Ukraine #~# Simmering tensions in Ukraine have escalated in recent days as Russia launched several military attacks, leading to fears that a larger war is imminent. The Onion offers a primer to help understand the current situation in Ukraine.

Monsanto Investor Removes Wedding Ring Before Taking Meeting With Tall, Busty Celery #~# ST. LOUIS—Quickly checking his hair in the mirror and smelling his breath before she arrived, Monsanto investor George Reese reportedly removed his wedding ring Thursday night before taking a meeting with a tall, busty celery stalk. “Well, well, well, there she is—the most beautiful genetically modified stalk of perfectly ripe Pascal celery I have ever seen,” said Reese, before looking the pouty, voluptuous plant up and down, taking a large swig of his drink, running his fingers through her leaves, and gently placing his hand on her long, fibrous stem. “I know this is supposed to be a business meeting, but you’re so much more beautiful than the photo I saw on your seed packet. When I came here, I thought I was just going to stay a few nights and purchase some boring old industrial crops. I never thought I would have met the most amazing female vegetable specimen on God’s green earth. Plus, you’ve got a four-week shelf life, bug resistance, and an amazing rack to boot? Cheers.” At press time, sources confirmed the voluptuous celery threw a drink in Reese’s face after going through his wallet while he was in the bathroom and finding a family portrait of him with a giant rutabaga and two tiny turnips.

Biden Addresses Ukrainian Crisis With Speech About Perfect Malted Milkshake He Once Drank In 1957 #~# WASHINGTON—Projecting strength and solemnity as he delivered his prepared remarks, President Joe Biden addressed the crisis in Ukraine Friday with a speech about a perfect malted milkshake he once drank in 1957. “It was in a tall glass cup with a long spoon—long spoons, you don’t see those anymore,” said Biden, who paused for emphasis as he squinted into the camera, instilling a deep feeling of comfort and confidence in millions of viewers who watched the speech across the globe. “It was brought out to me on a silver platter by a gorgeous waitress wearing roller skates. She was African American. I turned to her and said, ‘Honey, how about you grab a second straw and join me once you get off your shift.’ Scorching day. That thick and creamy shake hit the spot. It cost a nickel, but boy oh boy, did it taste like a dollar!” At press time, Russian forces across the region had laid down their arms to watch the video on their phones.

Medical Student Surgically Implants Bluetooth Device Into Ear To Cheat On Final Exam #~# A medical student in India was caught cheating with a cellphone connected to a micro-bluetooth device surgically implanted into his ear, with officials saying it was the student’s final attempt to pass the exam after repeatedly failing it. What do you think?

U.S. Imposes Single Painful Economic Sanction On Self Just To Show Russia How Fucking Crazy It Is #~# WASHINGTON—In an attempt to show the international community that America’s threats were not to be taken lightly, the United States reportedly imposed a single painful economic sanction on itself Thursday just to show Russia how fucking crazy it was. “I hope you can take a lotta pain, ’cause we sure as hell can,” said Secretary of State Antony Blinken as he stared wild-eyed at Russian Foreign Minister Sergey Lavrov, rolled up his sleeves, and then signed a punishing diplomatic order that would effectively cripple the U.S. soybean industry for years to come. “You want a piece of this? Do ya? You must not know who the hell you’re dealing with. You think we give a shit whether Americans ever sell another goddamn soybean on the international market? If you’re gonna come at us, you better bring everything you got. We’ll freeze our own offshore bank accounts. We’ll send the dollar into a tailspin. Doesn’t fucking matter to us. We are loco, my friend.” At press time, sources reported that America’s display of its general insanity and tolerance for pain had escalated until the nation launched a series of nuclear strikes that wiped St. Louis off the map.

Finale Of ‘Arthur’, Longest-Running Children’s Show, Ends With 20-Year Time Jump #~# Arthur, the longest-running children’s animated series in the history of American television, has ended with its 25th season, the final episode, titled “All Grown Up,” taking place 20 years into the future when the characters are adults. What do you think?

U.S. Shocked Russia Would Invade Another Country After Seeing How Badly America’s Recent Invasions Went #~# WASHINGTON—Bewildered at Vladimir Putin’s reckless decision to launch an assault across the Ukrainian border, U.S. President Joe Biden expressed shock Thursday that Russia would choose to invade another country after seeing how badly America’s recent invasions went. “We thought that the last couple decades or so of the United States completely bungling our way through military action against foreign countries would have served as a cautionary tale, were you even paying attention?” said Biden, adding that it was very well publicized how the U.S. government completely eroded all its trust with Americans as well as the international community, so it was pretty odd that Russia would choose to go for this. “The Russian people don’t even want war, so the fact that you barely have any reason for doing this is already pretty bad—at least we were able to trick Americans into thinking that our invasion of Iraq was a good idea for a little bit. Ever since then it’s just been boondoggle after boondoggle, quagmire after quagmire, it really begs the question why you would want to do this to yourself.” At press time, Biden expressed hope that Russia had learned from America’s mistakes.

World Leaders Vow Regular People Just Trying To Live Their Lives Will Bear The Consequences #~# MOSCOW, WASHINGTON, KIEV, LONDON, PARIS, OTTAWA, BERLIN—As the ongoing conflict intensified significantly early Thursday when Russia launched military strikes in Ukraine, leaders from around the world vowed that regular people just trying to live their lives would bear the consequences of whatever comes next. “If [Russian President Vladimir] Putin uses any additional force in Ukraine, it is my pledge that random Russians, Ukrainians, and people in other participating countries with day jobs, families, and dreams that have nothing to do with national powers seeking political and economic dominance will bear the brunt of the suffering that is sure it come,” said U.S. President Joe Biden in a statement, using rhetoric similar to a statement issued earlier by Putin that he would not rest until he made the lives of Ukrainian people just trying to go to school or work, as well as everyday Russians who had no desire whatsoever for their country to provoke violence, significantly worse. “We want anyone listening to remember that no matter what form this conflict takes, whether that’s on-the-ground fighting, air bombardments, random explosions in populated areas, or crippling sanctions, we will bring those elderly people, the poor, and the politically disenfranchised to their knees. Our allies are working around the clock to ensure that the average Ukrainian bears the full repercussions of the decisions made in power battles by small groups of each nation’s leaders. In times of conflict and war, we will never stand idly by and let mothers, teachers, children, and every person just trying to get by go unpunished.” At press time, leaders around the globe had announced plans to increase their military spending in order to take crucial resources out of their own people’s hands.

Man Dreams Of More Equal America That Just Sort Of Happens On Its Own #~# CINCINNATI—In an impassioned call for a new era of social and economic justice, local man Dale Teffera, 37, told reporters Thursday that he dreams of living in a more equal America that just sort of happens on its own. “My greatest hope is to wake up one morning and suddenly find myself in a country where, somehow, everyone starts being treated with total fairness,” said Teffera, who described his dream of an America in which people of every color, creed, class, gender, and sexual orientation had managed to become part of an equitable society without too much direct action or complicated balancing of interests having to take place. “I want to see structural inequality one day simply go away, so that we can all live together in harmony and no one has to spend too much time carefully examining our nation’s deeply entrenched obstacles to progress or work really hard to remove them. They kind of just—poof!—disappear, and then we wind up in a true egalitarian democracy.” At press time, sources confirmed Teffera had clicked ‘like’ on the Facebook post of a friend who wrote that it was time for racism to end.

Scotch-Brite Unveils New Scouring Bread For Wiping Up Leftover Pasta Sauce On Plate #~# MAPLEWOOD, MN—In what the company described as “a delicious way to clean dishes,” abrasive product manufacturer Scotch-Brite announced Thursday it would begin offering a new scouring bread specifically designed for wiping up any dried pasta sauce that is left behind on a plate. “With our all-new, heavy-duty scouring bread, you’ll be able to remove even the toughest Alfredo or marinara stains from your dishes and then eat them,” read the accompanying press release, which stated that the completely edible product was made from a stiff, low-hydration dough that was optimal for scrubbing off and sopping up caked-on sauce debris, ensuring none of “that thick, hearty bolognese you love” would ever go to waste. “It works for soup, too: Whether you’re dealing with a stubborn chowder or day-old, ground-in chili, our scouring bread makes quick work of all those tasty morsels that would otherwise stay stuck on your plate forever. Pre-sliced and available in white, whole wheat, or rye.” The press release went on to add that the product was easy to swallow and intended for one-time use only.

Amazon Transfers Insubordinate Employee To Shifts Working In Solitary Warehouse #~# ROCKFORD, IL—Tossing the 29-year-old man into the sprawling, empty facility and slamming the steel security door shut, Amazon transferred an insubordinate employee to shifts working in a solitary warehouse, sources confirmed Thursday. “The wellbeing of our employees will always be Amazon’s number-one priority, which is why we recently moved an employee who was struggling to meet productivity goals to an isolated fulfillment center where he will be better able focus on his goals,” said Amazon spokesperson Jocelyn Norris, who explained that the building’s lack of windows, other workers, and stimulus outside of the thousands and thousands of orders that needed packed and processed made the 800,000-square-foot warehouse the perfect distraction-free space. “We think a few months in the solitary warehouse will be a highly effective way of teaching this employee to take his work more seriously. For his safety, the walls are padded, and he will not be permitted to process orders for dangerous products like bed sheets. By the end of this, hopefully he’ll think twice next time before checking his phone on the floor.” At press time, Amazon had responded to critics with a statement confirming that the man was earning $18 an hour.

Celebrities You Never Knew Started Their Own Alcohol Brand #~# With studios only willing to pay top talent tens of millions of dollars to act in films, Hollywood actors are often forced to find other sources of revenue to survive. Here are several entrepreneurial celebrities you never knew started their own brands of alcohol.

Father Arrested After Telling 4-Year-Old Son To Shoot Officers At McDonald’s #~# A Utah man told his 4-year-old son to shoot at police officers who were attempting to arrest him in a McDonald’s drive-thru after an incident that began over an incorrect food order, with the child wounding one officer before being disarmed. What do you think?

500-Pound Bear, ‘Hank the Tank’, Breaking Into California Homes For Food #~# A 500-pound black bear, nicknamed ‘Hank the Tank’ for its large size, broke into more than two dozen South Lake Tahoe homes to rummage for food, still eluding capture after seven months. What do you think?

The Onion Guide To Trump-Backed Truth Social #~# Truth Social, a new social media platform backed by former President Donald Trump, soft-launched on Sunday and is already courting controversy. The Onion tells you everything you need to know about Truth Social.

Famous Authors React To Their Books Being Banned #~# With culture wars on the rise across the country, more and more school boards are voting to permanently suspend access to certain pieces of literature. We asked famous authors to describe how it felt to have their books banned, and this is what they said.

Military Recruiter’s Pitch Surprisingly Upfront About How Many Civilians You Get To Kill #~# HARVEY, IL—A group of high schoolers were reportedly left astonished Wednesday after a military recruiter’s pitch was surprisingly upfront about how many civilians you get to kill. “It wasn’t even hidden in there, it was, like, the second or third sentence of his reasons to enlist,” said senior Gavin McComb, adding that he and his friends hadn’t expected the vast majority of the uniformed soldier’s speech to center on the deep personal rewards of getting to indiscriminately gun down women and children. “He thanked us for coming and then immediately he was all, ‘Hey, you wanna kill some kids?’ I mean, I don’t really have any illusions about what the military does, but I kind of figured he would highlight, like, them paying your college tuition, or standing up for our freedoms, something like that. But instead he just kept listing different ways you could kill civilians. He had a powerpoint presentation with all these weapons you can use and examples of the types of people you can kill. Basically, he said, there’s no limit on how many you can kill. I figured there was at least a cap or consequences or something, but apparently not. Honestly, I found it kind of refreshing. I mean, I do want to kill some civilians. I’m pretty sure I’m going to enlist.” Attendees of the session also said they appreciated the recruiter’s candor about how joining the military had no long-term benefits.

Disappointed Baby Takes Plastic Bag Off Head After Reading ‘Warning: Not A Children’s Toy’ #~# WINNETKA, IL—Disappointed that the object was not the intriguing plaything he had initially perceived it to be, local 8-month-old child Josiah O’Connell reportedly removed the plastic bag from his head Wednesday after reading, “Warning: Not A Children’s Toy.” “Aw, fuck, well that’s a shame—I was really looking forward to it, too,” said the infant, who noted to his great chagrin that although everything he could see, touch, and taste about the bag suggested it would make for a delightfully entertaining pastime, it would be quite irresponsible to proceed. “‘Keep out of reach from children to avoid suffocation.’ That’s probably there for a good reason. This is just like the rat poison situation all over again. Well, what a bummer. Still, though, it does crinkle—but no, no, I really shouldn’t. Then again, no one’s around.” At press time, O’Connell concluded that a few more seconds with the bag on his head couldn’t hurt.

Crows Trained To Pick Up Cigarette Butts In Sweden #~# A Swedish startup is training crows to pick up discarded cigarette butts from the streets as part of a cost-cutting drive, the wild birds receiving a little food for every butt they deposit into a machine that collects them for disposal.What do you think?

Fiery Cargo Ship Full Of Porsches Adrift In Ocean #~# A burning transport ship carrying more than 1,000 luxury cars, including Porsches, was left drifting in the mid-Atlantic after the huge vessel’s 22 crew members were evacuated due to the fire. What do you think?

New iPhone Setting Reduces Eyestrain With Black Text On Identical Black Background #~# CUPERTINO, CA—With an upgrade it described as a game changer for the optometric health of its users, Apple announced Tuesday it had created a new iOS setting for iPhone that would reduce eyestrain by displaying black text on a black background of an identical shade. “Apple is proud to introduce an even darker ‘dark mode’ setting that reduces the glare from our screens far more than our previous dark modes,” spokesperson Gina Martinez said during a live demonstration in which the new feature was activated on an iPhone 13 Pro, causing both the words and the background on its display to fade completely to black. “By now, we’re all familiar with the degenerative effects of blue light on human vision, but with this revolutionary new technology, we have managed to reduce those effects by 100%. Simply toggle the setting on, and all wavelengths from the visible spectrum are totally eliminated, providing a far smoother and gentler reading experiencing.” At press time, Martinez was reportedly struggling to navigate back to settings to turn the feature off.

Report: Everyone Was Counting On You And You Let Them Down #~# COLUMBUS, OH—The sorrow in their eyes evident as they spoke in unnervingly subdued, hushed tones, sources confirmed Tuesday that everybody was counting on you and you let them down. “Well, you really blew it this time,” said sources who lowered and shook their heads as they expressed just how high the stakes had been, and what a complete and utter disappointment you turned out to be. “I hope you know we really trusted you. There’s nothing we can do about it now though. It’s too late.” At press time, sources were listening to your response with a sad little smile on their faces.

Restaurant Kitchen Must Have Incredible Diversity And Inclusion Program #~# CHICAGO—Expressing astonishment at the wide range of backgrounds represented in the restaurant’s back of house, local man Stephen Geller, 37, told reporters Tuesday that the kitchen at La Bouche must have an incredible diversity, equity, and inclusion program. “Man, so many businesses struggle to bring truly diverse talent into the fold, but these guys are making it look easy,” said Geller, marveling at the inclusive way that so many of the bistro’s kitchen positions—ranging from dishwashers to line cooks and busboys—seemed to strive to include Black or Hispanic workers. “This is a truly majority-minority workplace. And the way they’re so comfortable speaking Spanish is really great, too. They must have spent a pretty penny on DE&I consultants, but it was absolutely worth it. Gosh, I feel like I’m looking at the future. “ Geller added that he was especially impressed that a white man held only one position in the kitchen as head chef.

Woman Desperately Seeking Excuse To Assault Retail Workers Now That Mask Mandate Lifted #~# ALBANY, NY—Staring down the store’s staff as she wracked her brain, local woman Monica Hadwin was reportedly desperately seeking an excuse to assault retail workers Tuesday now that the state’s mask mandate had been lifted. “I walked in without a mask and all I got was a ‘Hi, how are you today?’—what the hell am I supposed to do with that?” said Hadwin, who flexed her hands achingly as she surveyed the shop’s maskless staff and customers, longing for the perceived slight that would allow her to justify lunging across a counter to claw at a teenager’s face. “I guess no one offered me a free sample when I walked in, I could run with that. Or I could step out of the dressing room in a new outfit and then start screaming if nobody compliments me? No, that’s stupid. Even a ‘Masks Recommended’ sign or a bottle of hand sanitizer would be enough, but Jesus Christ. They just have to make this difficult.” At press time, Hadwin perked up immediately upon overhearing a worker speaking Spanish.

Worst Things You Can Say To A Child Living Through The Pandemic #~# This isn’t really comforting.

Beijing Streets Overrun By Hundreds Of Stray Olympians After End Of Games #~# BEIJING—Following the previous night’s closing ceremonies, Beijing city officials received numerous reports Monday that the streets were overrun with hundreds of stray Olympians that had been left behind after the 2022 Winter Games. “It’s tempting to go right up to them, but you have to remember that even though they may have had a home before, they are wild creatures now,” said local resident Kong Xiaodan, adding that she tried to shoo away a feral ski jumper she found huddled in a corner of her yard, but retreated back indoors when the international athlete’s filthy, mangy teammates came out of the shadows and hissed at her. “The city’s having trouble catching them because they’re all pretty fast and strong. One of the big Finnish ones was looking for food and overturned a dumpster in the alley behind my office. It’s a shame, because you know all they need is a bath and someone to love them. I wouldn’t mind adopting one myself—they’re pretty cute! I’ve already seen some of them breeding, though, so hopefully the authorities get them rounded up and euthanized as quickly as possible.” At press time, Kong had reportedly run over U.S. figure skater Brandon Frazier, whom she had not realized was sleeping under her car.