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Woman Disgusted By Magazine’s Glaring Use Of Photoshop In Spot-The-Difference Picture Game #~# PASO ROBLES, CA—Arguing that just because the changes were small didn’t mean they wouldn’t leave a lasting impact, local woman Ashley Hoffman told reporters Thursday she was disgusted by People Magazine’s glaring use of Photoshop in their spot-the-difference picture game. “Everyone from photographers, to writers, to editors, should be ashamed that so many glaring alterations were made between photo one and photo two,” said Hoffman, who added that she was horrified to think of all the young women who would pick up the magazine and not understand how many parts of the side-by-side photos were actually fake. “Just when you think you’ve made progress with the body positivity movement, someone comes along and photoshops a different hat onto a model, puts some stripes on her shirt, or changes the color of a car in the background. One day, I hope people will be comfortable seeing real men and women in magazines instead of comparing clearly Photoshopped versions for them for their amusement.” Hoffman added that she hoped People Magazine would be more transparent about their use of Photoshop, and demanded they place the spot-the-difference answers right-side-up instead of upside-down. |
Community Hopes Killing 2 In Drunk-Driving Accident Serves As Wake-Up Call To Promising Young Rich Kid #~# WINNETKA, IL—Responding to the tragedy with a triumphant show of support, members of a local community came together Monday to express hope that killing two people in a drunk-driving accident would serve as a wake-up call to the promising young rich kid responsible. “With any luck, this little mishap will be a turning point for [perpetrator of DUI manslaughter] Greg [Nelker], and he’ll graduate and go on to Yale without incident,” said concerned resident John Morgan, adding that he was sure the 17-year-old high school senior and frequent drunk driver realized how lucky he was that nothing worse had happened. “This must serve as a reminder that actions have consequences, and that bad decisions can lead even a well-off heir to his father’s medical practice to find himself facing a situation that must be quickly hushed-up by a district attorney with close ties to the family. I hope he uses this as an opportunity, in terms of seeing what direction his life could go in if he doesn’t learn to ease up a bit on his drinking behind the wheel. Imagine if the victims had been wealthy—I don’t even like to think about it.” Morgan added that he truly felt sorry for Nelker, as this was likely a traumatizing event that would stay in the back of his mind for the rest of lacrosse season. |
SpaceX Rocket Part On Collision Course With Moon #~# The four-ton upper stage of a SpaceX rocket that did not return to Earth after a completed mission is on course to crash into the Moon and explode seven years after it was launched, producing an impact capable of creating a 65-foot crater. What do you think? |
Things You Should Never Say To Someone Who Makes Minimum Wage #~# As if he doesn’t have enough on his plate right now? |
Greatest NFL Playoff Moments #~# Joe Montana’s six-yard pass to Dwight Clark is worth watching on YouTube today, so that modern fans can marvel at how a pretty standard catch was somehow mind blowing at the time. |
‘Let’s Clear Some Cap Space,’ Says Stone-Faced Bill Belichick Watching Players Dig Own Graves #~# FOXBOROUGH, MA—Standing in the freezing rain at a site adjacent to Gillette Stadium, a stone-faced New England Patriots coach Bill Belichick was heard to utter, “Let’s clear some cap space,” on Friday as he watched players dig their own graves. “This is always a difficult decision, but we’ve got to make some cuts and look to the future,” Belichick said while over a dozen dirt-covered Patriots veterans, including wide receiver Nelson Agholor, tight end Jonnu Smith, quarterback Brian Hoyer, and guard Shaq Mason stood waist-deep in holes they’d been digging for hours. “This is what’s best for the team. We’ve got to get younger, and that means freeing up some roster spots. We don’t have room for all of you—c’mon, Kendrick [Bourne], keep digging!—and so your time here must come to an end. We thank you for your hard work as a member of the Patriots family, and we wish you the best of luck down there.” At press time, a satisfied Belichick had reportedly returned to the bowels of Gillette Stadium, where he began asking several high-profile Patriots free agents chained to a radiator what it was going to take to get them to return on team-friendly contracts. |
Elite Selective Hospital Only Accepts 9% Of ICU Applicants #~# STANFORD, CA—With experts noting that it was more difficult than ever to secure a spot in a top medical facility, a study commissioned by U.S. News & World Report found that the most elite hospital only accepts 9% of ICU applicants. “What we’re seeing across the country is that ever-increasing competition among heart-attack sufferers, gunshot victims, and those with acute respiratory failure allows the top intensive care units to be very, very selective about whom they accept,” said study co-author Jenna Francis, adding that admissions officers at Beckwith Memorial, the nation’s most prestigious and highly selective hospital, had explained that even those with massive cerebral hemorrhages were no longer considered shoo-ins for ICU beds without a very strong application and multiple glowing recommendations. “Of course, there’s a trickle-down effect, which enables even mid-tier ICUs to be much more discerning about which people with brain aneurysms, sepsis, or blunt-force trauma they admit. That’s why we recommend that anyone seeking emergency medical treatment apply to several safety hospitals in other states. Many have considered this trend overblown, saying it’s not even about the quality of the hospital—it’s the connections you make once you’re there. However, critics of the elite hospital system will note that Beckwith Memorial and similarly selective ICU wards are made up of mostly legacy admissions.” A related study found that the increased difficulty of landing a coveted spot in a quality medical facility was leading more and more people in need of urgent medical care to consider applying for online ICUs. |
Jesus Christ Starts Rival Eternal Paradise After Family Rift #~# THE COSMOS—In an acrimonious parting of ways that follows more than two millennia of heavenly collaboration, Jesus Christ, the King of Kings and Lord of Lords, announced Friday He had started a rival eternal paradise after a bitter falling out with family. “Due to differing visions of what the future of heaven should look like, I have decided to leave the family business and build My own promised land,” Our Lord and Savior said of the new concept afterlife He calls JC’s Spot, which reportedly offers bespoke services to high-end clientele and includes strategic cross-faith partnerships with Buddha, Vishnu, and His father’s longtime rival Satan. “Heaven is stuffy, antiquated, and out of touch with what people want from salvation. But JC’s Spot will cater to the rapidly evolving tastes of elite souls, focusing less on harps and clouds and more on just drinking wine and hanging out in an exclusive section of the firmament.” At press time, Jesus was seen handing out fliers around churches hoping to lure away some of His Father’s old clients. |
China Changes ‘Fight Club’ Ending To Have Authorities Win #~# Tencent, a popular Chinese streaming platform, has released a version of Fight Club that replaces the scene in which buildings are blown up as part of a plan to destroy consumerism with a caption telling audiences that authorities showed up just in time to save the day. What do you think? |
NASA Gently Lowers Hot Dog On Fishing Line Into Black Hole #~# THE MILKY WAY—In an effort to understand the fundamental nature of the regions of space-time, NASA confirmed the launch of a mission Friday to gently lower a hot dog on a fishing line into the black hole known as Sagittarius A. “For decades, we have striven to grasp these mysterious features of our universe, and we believe a grilled-to-perfection frankfurter is exactly what we need to tempt the black hole into revealing its true nature,” said NASA administrator Bill Nelson, admitting the agency’s failures in the 1970s and ’80s to lure the black hole using bait such as Twinkies and a folded-over piece of Wonder Bread had failed. “Of course, it’s a more down-home method than the traditional grub and worms we’ve tried before. But sometimes you need a little something special to catch a big sucker like this. Now, we just wait and see.” At press time, the lead crew member on the mission had reportedly yelled out “Hoo-wee!” after getting a tug on the line and being pulled out of his folding chair. |
Potential Replacements For Supreme Court Justice Breyer #~# Supreme Court justice Stephen Breyer announced his retirement on Wednesday, leading to a flurry of speculation over who President Joe Biden will nominate to replace him. The Onion looks at the leading potential replacements for Justice Breyer. |
Despondent Buffalo Fan Wonders If Day Will Ever Come When He Too Blackout Drunk To Remember Bills Super Bowl Victory #~# EAST AURORA, NY—Lamenting that he may never get a chance to miss the greatest day of his life, local Buffalo Bills fan Mark Padula was reportedly despondent Thursday as he wondered if a day would ever come when he would be too blackout drunk to remember a Bills victory in the Super Bowl. “I’ve been a fan for almost 30 years, and it’s tough thinking that I may never wake up hungover on a Monday morning and be told the Bills are champions,” said Padula, who recounted formative memories of watching the Jim Kelly Bills and shaking his father awake on the bathroom floor to commiserate in their losses. “I just want that moment where my friends and family are going crazy around me while I’m passed out drooling on the couch. As a Buffalo fan, some people have been waiting their whole lives for that. Even just one chance to piece together memories of an amazing win from online clips and my friend’s description of the game would be enough for me.” At press time, Padula stated that his sadness over never having a celebratory drink in honor of a Bills Super Bowl win meant he needed a drink. |
Supreme Court Justice Stephen Breyer To Retire #~# Supreme Court Justice Stephen Breyer will reportedly step down at the end of the current term after nearly three decades on the bench, giving President Joe Biden an opportunity to nominate a successor who could serve for decades. What do you think? |
MLB Owners Propose CBA That Offers Players College Credit In Lieu Of Salary #~# NEW YORK—In a “generous offer,” meant to bridge the gap between the two sides as contract bargaining negotiations stalled, Major League Baseball’s owners reportedly proposed Thursday that the agreement offer players college credit in lieu of salary. “While the owners strongly disagree with the MLBPA proposals on salary increases, and in fact paying salaries at all, they’re more than willing to compromise by offering all MLB players up to dozens of college credits per year,” said MLB deputy commissioner Dan Halem of the owners’ proposal, which would eliminate all monetary compensation from player contracts and replace it with applied hours of study that could enable MLB players to achieve a communications, criminology, or business management degree in as little as 18 months. “We believe that the negotiations thus far have been negatively impacted by this focus on revenue-sharing, when we really should be focused on sharing the benefits of a great education. The team owners of Major League Baseball absolutely believe that players deserve to be compensated for their play, from rookies to veterans, which is why they’ve put forth a very robust and very competitive tiered system of college credits. All rostered athletes will automatically be enrolled at San Diego State, and our 10-and-5 players will receive the exclusive right to work with an MLB-funded job placement service after their playing days are over to put their world-class education to good use.” Negotiators for the MLB emphasized that the owners were making a good-faith improvement on their most recent CBA proposal to pay players in experience. |
Biden Meets With Senate Democrats To Discuss Breaking Up Supreme Court Nominee And Confirming Her In Parts #~# WASHINGTON—In a closed-door meeting to discuss strategies to fill the recently vacated court seat, President Biden reportedly met with Senate Democrats Thursday to discuss breaking up his Supreme Court nominee and confirming her in parts. “Many moderate members of the caucus fear that we’re inviting backlash by trying to push through the entire justice’s body at once, and we’d be far better served with a piecemeal method of getting her limbs and vital organs onto the court one by one,” said a moderate senator familiar with the discussions, adding that given the procedural hurdles in their way, the best chance Democrats had at filling Justice Breyer’s former seat involved voting for one of the justice’s shoulders and then perhaps a lung or two. “We already have a lot of agreement within the caucus that one of her hands would logically be approved immediately—so that it can hold a gavel, obviously. Moving on from there, getting to her torso would be a cherry on top. If we’re ambitious, we might actually get through her entire circulatory system. That’d be a huge win for progressives and moderates alike. But let’s cross that bridge when we get to it.” Senate moderates also pointed out the precedent of Republicans putting Justice Sandra Day O’Connor’s floating head onto the Supreme Court in 1981. |
Lies All Police Officers Are Legally Allowed To Tell You #~# Just because you have to be honest with cops doesn’t mean they have to be honest with you. Here are several common, totally legal lies that police officers will often tell you. |
The Onion’s Test Sweatshop Helps You Design Your Dream Kitchen #~# Deciding which products will fulfill your basic needs or that gaping hole in your heart can be stressful. The Onion’s Test Sweatshop is here to help. Every product we recommend has been tested for over 50,000 hours by our army of indentured product testers. The Onion doesn’t make any money off these recommendations because we couldn’t figure out how. |
Pittsburgh Honors Ben Roethlisberger With Commemorative Statue In Women’s Bathroom #~# PITTSBURGH—Saluting the legacy of a quarterback who brought two Super Bowls to the city and did so much to local women, Pittsburgh honored a retiring Ben Roethlisberger Thursday with a new commemorative statue in a local women’s bathroom. “We can’t think of a more fitting tribute to this Pittsburgh hero than a monument towering over the women using the restroom at this bar,” said Mayor Ed Gainey, noting Roethlisberger’s outsized impact on the community that would inspire young players and therapy sessions for years to come. “Ben was unrelenting and tenacious on the field, and even more so off of it. He was famous for extending plays and never letting adversity in any form get him down. The one thing you could say about him, if you weren’t gagged by an NDA, was that he never took no for an answer.” At press time, the city had brushed off criticism of the statue by noting that it had recently become a born-again Christian. |
Spectators Cheer As Zookeeper Throws Fish To Very Chubby Boy #~# SAN DIEGO, CA—Watching with rapt enjoyment while employees hauled out buckets of herring, spectators cheered wildly Thursday as a zookeeper at the San Diego Zoo threw fish to a very chubby boy. “Woo-hoo, look at him jump and dance around—that little boy caught the whole fish right in his mouth,” said visitor Jodie Chamberlin, who, with the rest of her family, laughed and screamed as the zookeeper turned on some music, held up several sardines, and commanded the rotund 10-year-old to twirl, jump on top of a box, and clap. “He didn’t even chew that one, just swallowed it whole, bones and all! I never knew they could balance balls on their noses, but I guess chubby boys will do anything for a treat.” At press time, several chubby boys reportedly rushed the zookeeper, knocked over the bucket, and immediately started biting and clawing each other to get to the raw fish. |
Dusty Can Of Bamboo Shoots In Back Of Cabinet Last Remaining Trace Of Woman’s Withered Cooking Ambitions #~# SEATTLE—Digging deep in the back of her kitchen cabinet, local woman Brenna White reportedly uncovered Wednesday a dusty can of bamboo shoots, the last remaining trace of her withered cooking ambitions. “A relic of a lost period,” said the 32-year-old, carefully extricating the item from the far reaches of the pantry, using a cloth to gently brush the layers of dust from its surface before estimating that the artifact dated back several years to an era when she resolved to cook a variety of Asian cuisines at home rather than order takeout. “Something like this likely would have been used as a tool to make Pad Thai, which I was really into for a couple of weeks after seeing the process on a Food Network show, and immediately told my friends and family I would learn how to make it for them. The fact that it’s still so fully intact suggests that I may have lost interest halfway through a YouTube tutorial, and, based on anecdotal evidence from the period, probably ordered in from a nearby restaurant instead, relegating the can to be forgotten to time. From the various markings on the can, I suspect this piece predates the expired Tamari in the fridge by almost four months. Fascinating.” At press time, White had uncovered an untouched jar of capers deeper in the cabinet, which dated back to almost three roommates ago. |
Ana de Armas Fans Sue Hollywood Studio Over ‘Deceptive’ Film Trailer #~# Fans of Ana de Armas have filed a class action lawsuit against Universal Studios, claiming they were duped into renting the movie Yesterday when the trailer showed a brief glimpse of de Armas despite her character having been cut from the finished film. What do you think? |
Neil Young Demands Spotify Remove His Music Over Joe Rogan Vaccine Misinformation #~# Musician Neil Young wrote an open letter to his management and record label, demanding his classic song library be removed from Spotify if they continue to allow podcast hosts like Joe Rogan a platform to spread Covid-19 misinformation. What do you think? |
Celebrities Explain Why They Are Investing In Crypto #~# “I like the independence of investing in something that I can control the value of with one tweet.” |
John Stockton Claims Covid Vaccine No. 1 Reason Athletes Fail To Win Single Championship #~# SPOKANE, WA—Saying it played a “dangerous role” in denying perennial all-stars the rings they clearly deserved, Hall of Fame NBA guard John Stockton claimed Wednesday that the Covid-19 vaccine was the No. 1 reason athletes failed to win a single championship. “We have no idea what is in this thing, but it’s obviously destroying people’s legacies by preventing them from ever getting past the Bulls to win an NBA title,” said Stockton, who asserted that hundreds of athletes from across the country had been unjustly kept from reaching the top of their games, and who put all the blame on what he falsely described as an “untested” Covid inoculation. “When you look back and see why some of the best athletes fail to take home a trophy, you can always link it to the fact that they were vaccinated. People like Dan Marino and Charles Barkley never won a championship, and they were vaccinated against dozens of diseases. No one should have to suffer through that. No one should have to fail and have their career end in disappointment that haunts them to this day because of a vaccine that’s being forced on them by the government.” At press time, Stockton’s statement was being pushed out of papers nationwide in favor of Michael Jordan’s comments in support of the vaccine. |
Mitch McConnell Blocks Justice Stephen Breyer From Retiring #~# WASHINGTON—In a controversial political maneuver that sparked outrage from Democrats and their allies, sources confirmed Wednesday that Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell had blocked Supreme Court Justice Stephen Breyer from retiring. “It is the Senate’s constitutional right to act as a check on Stephen Breyer,” said McConnell, who blasted the 83-year-old justice’s plan to step down from the bench as contrary to the founding fathers’ vision that Supreme Court members would serve until the day they keeled over and died. “The radical Democrats are clearly getting desperate and see Stephen Breyer’s retirement as their only recourse. There is simply no way I can allow it. If Justice Breyer wants to retire, he’ll have to wait until 2024 and let the American people decide if he’s finished.” At press time, sources confirmed that McConnell had used an arcane legal precedent to prevent Breyer from purchasing a condominium in Florida. |
Police Flip Through Unsolved Crimes To See What Else They Can Pin On Mentally Disabled Man #~# HOUSTON, TX—Pleased by the unexpected boon to their department, local police officers reportedly flipped through a list of unsolved crimes Wednesday to see what else they could pin on Andy Poulton, the mentally disabled man currently in their custody. “Let’s see, we’ve got a whole bunch of open burglaries and assault cases here and this guy’s so nervous and desperate to please us that he’ll probably say anything just to get us to stop yelling at him,” said Officer Pete Bradley, confirming that forcing continuous confessions out of Poulton had increased his solve rate and provided some closure for dozens of grieving families in one fell swoop. “There’s an unsolved arson a couple counties over from where Poulton lived that I can definitely pinch him for. It happened when he was 9, but it’s not like he’s going to be able to recall his whereabouts back then so we’ve got him dead to rights as soon as he stops shaking and crying. “ At press time, authorities announced they had captured the most notorious serial killer in Texas history. |
The Onion Guide To NATO #~# NATO is in the news as tensions rise between member states and Russia over a potential military conflict in Ukraine. The Onion answers the most common questions about the history and role of NATO. |
Chinese Man Unsure If ‘Godzilla Vs. Kong’ Actually That Bad Or If Government Altered It #~# CHENGDU, CHINA—Expressing concerns about the blockbuster’s incoherent narrative and lack of real character development, local man Zhong Wei confirmed Wednesday that he was unsure if Godzilla Vs. Kong was actually this bad or if the Chinese government had simply altered the film. “There are definitely some huge plot holes, and all this stuff about neural networks makes no sense, but maybe the explanation for that part ran into trouble with the censors?” said Zhong, adding that the fact that he was halfway through the movie and still baffled about why any of it took place in Antarctica could really be blamed on either the mediocre script or the Chinese Communist Party’s strict monitoring and frequent editing of Western films. “Overall, it’s felt pretty stupid and boring so far. All the dialogue is really wooden, and Kyle Chandler seems like he’s totally phoning it in. Even the CGI sucked. But you’ve got to give them the benefit of the doubt. Maybe the censors just cut out all the good scenes because they were offensive to [President] Xi.” At press time, Zhong concluded that the film was indeed censored after its climactic closing scene abruptly cut to black to display a message that Godzilla and Kong were subsequently arrested for anti-government activity. |
Nude Woman Pleasantly Surprised To See Self Represented In Art Museum’s Collection #~# NEW YORK—Calling the experience “deeply inspiring,” local nude woman Kassandra Harster told reporters Wednesday that she was pleasantly surprised to see herself represented in an art museum’s collection. “Wow—I don’t see many bodies like mine in fashion magazines, so to see myself in everything from the Renaissance statues to the surrealist paintings is very empowering,” said Harster, who paused as she strolled through the Metropolitan Museum of Art to marvel at a Greek marble sculpture that was as unclothed as she was. “This kind of representation is especially important because, as a nude woman, sometimes people treat you differently. I’m completely blown away by what I’ve seen today. Who would have thought that naked bodies were once the beauty standard?” At press time, Harster’s old insecurities had come surging back after she passed a sculpture that did not have a head. |
Woman Tries To Buy Baby For $500,000 From Mother At Walmart #~# A woman in Crockett, TX has been arrested for attempting to purchase a stranger’s baby for $250,000, approaching the mother and her child while they were waiting in the self-checkout line at a Walmart, then upping her offer to $500,000 in the parking lot. What do you think? |
Mom Believes New Boyfriend Could Give Son Positive Father Figure For Solid Couple Months #~# SANTA ANA, CA—Saying her child could benefit from the temporary support, 36-year-old single mother Desirée Wexler told reporters Wednesday she believes her new boyfriend could provide her son with a positive father figure for a solid couple of months. “My kid could really use a man to look up to for five to six weeks,” said Wexler, adding that the man she had just started dating would give her young boy some much needed short-term stability in the absence of his biological father. “He could take my son fishing once or twice, or even teach him how to change a tire, if this guy can squeeze that into the brief time we’re together. I just have a feeling he could be a healthy male role model, someone who could set a good example for my kid before he freaks out and leaves me like everyone else.” At press time, Wexler confirmed she had been dumped, but that it was good for her son to learn how to cope with disappointment and abandonment so he would be better prepared for adulthood. |
Frank Vogel Waiting For LeBron To Nod Before Drawing Next Line On White Board #~# BROOKLYN—Glancing out of the corner of his eye as his hand froze in place, Lakers head coach Frank Vogel was waiting for LeBron James to nod during Tuesday’s game before he drew the next line on his whiteboard. “Now, Anthony will come out to set a pick here so, Trevor can, so um, he can,” mumbled Vogel, who paused the description and started to alter the play as soon as he saw a frown cross his star forward’s face. “Then we will kick it back out for the three. No? Well, Malik should be able to get a clean, um no that’s no good. Or how about we...no, we don’t need to get the ball outside here, huh? If we dump it off to LeBron inside? That should work, right?” At press time, Vogel’s skin was turning pale and his stomach was in knots after LeBron called a timeout and summoned him over to the bench. |
Cruise Ship Flees To Bahamas After U.S. Issues Arrest Warrant #~# A cruise ship that was supposed to dock in Miami sailed to the Bahamas instead after a U.S. judge granted an order to seize the vessel as part of a lawsuit over unpaid fuel, with the passengers taken by ferry to Ft. Lauderdale the next day. What do you think? |
‘It’s Over! It’s All Over!’ Screams Ticonderoga CEO, Dousing Office In Gasoline After Announcement SAT Going Digital #~# LAKE MARY, FL—Climbing atop his desk and wailing in despair, Dixon Ticonderoga CEO Thomas Clark reportedly screamed, “It’s over, it’s all over!” and doused the company’s offices in gasoline following Tuesday’s announcement that the SAT would go completely digital by 2024. “Everything we’ve built over these years—everything—is gone!” shouted a visibly unhinged Clark, who emptied a gas can over his head during a chaotic scene in which dozens of executives, faced with professional ruin, threw themselves from the windows of the pencil manufacturer’s headquarters. “We tried to pretend it wasn’t happening, but deep down, we all knew this day would come. No wild ride like that could last forever. Well, I hope the world likes the smell of a million sticks of burning cedar. Light ’em up, boys!” At press time, sources confirmed that the CEO’s immolated form had been found with its eyes gouged out and a pair of soft lead No. 2 pencils protruding from its skull. |
Special Orders Chefs Hate The Most And Why #~# Unless you want the staff spitting in your food, we would avoid asking for the following things. Here are the special order modifications chefs hate the most and why. |
Too Early To Tell If Recent Celebrity Deaths Part Of Viral Pre-Super Bowl Ad Rollout #~# SAN FRANCISCO—Acknowledging the theory that everything could be leading up to the greatest advertising campaign of all time, local man 47-year-old Dale Rosenberg told reporters Tuesday that it was too early to tell if the recent celebrity deaths were part of a viral pre-Super Bowl ad rollout. “Sure, the deaths of Betty White, Louie Anderson, and Bob Saget could just be a spate of tragic losses, but we still can’t rule out these ‘coincidences’ coming together into a satisfying 30-second spot where all of them are revealed to be alive during the NFL championship,” said Rosenberg, explaining that it was reasonable to assume that companies like Coca-Cola or Pepsi, who spend millions of dollars for a few seconds of airtime during the Super Bowl, could put together this whole campaign to generate buzz after millions of viewers suddenly realize that the celebrities they had mourned were “miraculously” still alive and well and drinking their brand’s soda, but he wasn’t completely sold on the premise. “It would be pretty genius to fake these sad events just for a heartwarming interaction in a commercial, like Meat Loaf singing a duet with Ronnie Spector while sharing a bag of Doritos. While it seems awfully convenient for John Madden to up and die so close to Super Bowl LVI, I’d love to see him on TV tossing a football to Sidney Poitier in the first commercial of the first ad break after kick-off, before Peter Bogdanovich pops up and yells, ‘Cut.’ Still, I’m not entirely convinced it’s all for a viral ad campaign.” Rosenberg added that he would be able to know for sure over the next few weeks depending on which big names succumbed to illness or old age. |
Tom Brady Rips Into His Nutritional Supplements For Letting Him Down In Big Game #~# TAMPA, FL—Following his team’s divisional-round playoff loss to the Los Angeles Rams, Tampa Bay Buccaneers quarterback Tom Brady reportedly ripped into his nutritional supplements Tuesday for letting him down in a big game. “Magnesium, turmeric, zinc—I can go right down the list, and all I see are failures and losers who choked with the game on the line,” the 44-year-old quarterback was heard to yell, insisting in a lengthy kitchen tirade that he had a last-ditch game-winning touchdown drive in him but apparently couldn’t count on calcium and fish oil to do the bare minimum to help him win. “Goddammit, you two—[B]6 and [B]7—it would’ve been nice if you contributed anything before halftime so we wouldn’t fall so far behind. I expect this kind of shit out of apple cider vinegar, but not my goddamn enzymes. And my omega-3s. I trusted you guys, we’ve done this a thousand times, and now we’re not even going to the Super Bowl? What the hell am I keeping you around for if you can’t do what it takes when I’m depending on you? Huh? You stupid fucking capsules, you make me sick. And don’t even get me started on the seeds. Where were you when I needed you most, seeds?” At press time, sources confirmed Brady had thrown his entire collection of nutritional supplements in the trash and declared that he was going back to steroids. |
Nation’s Gun-Toting Uncles Announce It’s Time To Learn Where Food Really Comes From #~# SALTSBURG, PA—Cocking their shotguns and remarking that dinner tonight wouldn’t be for the faint of heart, the nation’s gun-toting uncles announced Tuesday that it was time to learn where food really comes from. “All right, boys, let’s get out there and show them that food doesn’t just come from the supermarket or some fancy-shmancy restaurant, it comes from blood, sweat, and tears,” said 58-year-old uncle Jeremiah Gordon, adding that back in the day, settlers couldn’t just up and go into the big city and buy their meals anytime they wanted, but had to crouch in a bush and shoot the thing dead. “That’s right, bullet to the brain, that’s how our forefathers did it. There weren’t no two ways about it. And if you didn’t get out there, slit its throat, and carry the thing back to the shed to dress it, you didn’t eat. Period.” At press time, the nation’s uncles could be seen crouching behind a bush, drinking beer, and falling asleep just as several deer ran by. |
Man’s Problems Really Don’t Seem So Bad After Therapist Completely Trivializes Them #~# DENVER—Feeling like an entirely different person by the end of his 50-minute session, local man Dan Grady confirmed Tuesday that his problems really didn’t seem so bad now that his therapist had completely trivialized them. “It helped a lot to just talk to someone and have her reframe my most painful thoughts and fears as minor issues that are apparently not much cause for concern,” Grady said of his $120-an-hour therapist, who reportedly set down her iPad for the first time during the session in order to show him out of her office. “She put things in perspective by making me feel like I was probably overreacting to the persistent, debilitating depression that makes it impossible for me to experience joy in any part of my life. I guess this is why people go to therapy—to have someone play down their despair, their feelings of worthlessness, and their near-constant suicidal ideation.” Grady added that in the future he wouldn’t bother booking an appointment and wasting his therapist’s time, as he now felt empowered to handle his own problems and “end them once and for all.” |
Ex-Catholic Still Feels Twinge Of Guilt Every Time He Masturbates On Subway #~# NEW YORK—Worried he would never be able to escape the aftereffects of his rigorous religious upbringing, local ex-Catholic Brock Lastra told reporters Tuesday that he still felt a twinge of guilt every time he masturbated on the subway. “I know it’s not logical, but when I start to pleasure myself on the Q train, I become overwhelmed by this haunting feeling that what I’m doing is wrong,” said Lastra, who confirmed that despite not having stepped foot inside a church in nearly 20 years, he was still haunted by the memory of his priest’s stern face any time he so much as thought of whipping out his penis on a crowded car during the morning commute. “I wish I could just relax and enjoy it, but I guess my childhood really fucked me up. It’s definitely affected my ability to perform, too—a lot of women get mad at me. Who knows, maybe this is something I can solve by masturbating at therapy.” At press time, Lastra added that as an atheist, he knew God wasn’t really watching him, but he wished He were. |
Archaeologists Find Rare 4,000-Year-Old Board Game #~# Archeologists have unearthed a rare 4,000-year-old board game in a Bronze and Iron Age settlement site in Oman, the game having grid markings that make it look similar to backgammon. What do you think? |
Man Hoping His Death Fucked Up Enough That He Gets Law Named After Him #~# POTTSTOWN, PA—Explaining how it would be an ideal way to go out, area man Albert Bailey told reporters Tuesday that he was hoping his death is fucked up enough that he gets a law named after him. “I’m picturing it now: ‘Albert’s Law,’” said Bailey, fantasizing about his family at the statehouse standing next to the governor as he signs an executive order that would limit the maximum speed limit on riding lawn mowers or create new regulations for the sale of kerosene. “How cool would it be to have your death be the reason people start needing a license to buy a crossbow? That’s the kind of legacy I want to leave behind.” At press time, Bailey passed away from commonplace heart disease. |
Theodore Roosevelt Statue Removed From Natural History Museum #~# A statue of U.S. President Theodore Roosevelt that sat in front of New York City’s natural history museum was removed this week after criticism over its controversial image of a Native American and African man holding “subservient positions” next to him. What do you think? |
CEOs Predict The Future Of The Metaverse #~# Over the past year, tech giants like Facebook, Microsoft, and Google have invested billions of dollars into virtual reality technology. The Onion asked some of the world’s most powerful business leaders about the future of the metaverse, and this is what they said. |
Obnoxious Toddler Really Rubbing His Childlike Sense Of Wonder In Everyone’s Faces #~# DEARBORN, MI—As patience wore thin with the little boy’s repeated expressions of amazement and delight, sources confirmed Monday that obnoxious toddler Liam Primack was really rubbing his sense of childlike wonder in everyone’s faces. “Look, we get it, everything around him is new and exciting as he sees the world with fresh eyes, but Jesus Christ, give it a fucking rest,” said the irritating boy’s mother, Lauren Primack, who was seen rolling her eyes as the 18-month-old’s face lit up during a game of peekaboo with a visiting neighbor. “Just because he has a wholesome curiosity and fascination with everything around him doesn’t mean he needs to gloat about it all the time. It would be nice if I could go to a park without this beaming, exuberant child clapping and giggling every time he sees a goddamn bird. It’s like, chill the fuck out, kid. As if you haven’t seen a bird before. Give me a break.” At press time, sources confirmed the annoyingly gleeful toddler had been given a dose of reality after he excitedly approached a dog that bit him. |
Woman Feeling Doubly Conflicted About Attending ‘Harry Potter’-Themed Plantation Wedding #~# NASHVILLE, TN—Troubled by the ethical implications of such an event, local woman Kennedy Feeney told reporters Monday that she was feeling doubly conflicted about attending a Harry Potter-themed plantation wedding. “She’s a close friend, but when I saw that the venue was a former slave plantation and that we were expected to RSVP via ‘Owl Post,’ my jaw dropped,” said Feeney, who explained that while she would love to be there to support the couple on their special day, the mere thought of participating in a celebration at a site where such grave suffering had occurred with a fake wand in her hand was unconscionable. “There’s nothing romantic about getting married at a place where you can literally see slave quarters while you sip butterbeer-inspired cocktails served out of a cauldron. I don’t get how she could be so tone deaf. You wouldn’t have a Nightmare Before Christmas-themed wedding at Auschwitz.” At press time, Feeney had called her friend to tell her that she was declining the invitation on the principle that attending the event would be racist and cringe. |
Leaked Documents Confirm ExxonMobil Has Known Exactly Which Day Earth Ends Since The 1970s #~# IRVING, TX—Corroborating a suspicion long held by critics in the environmental movement, documents leaked Monday confirmed that ExxonMobil has known exactly which day the world would end since the 1970s. “These documents prove that for decades ExxonMobil executives deliberately obfuscated evidence that they knew the precise date upon which all life on this planet will cease to exist,” said environmental activist Tamara Leon, adding that the oil and gas company had routinely engaged in disinformation campaigns to bury the fact that their own scientists knew as early as the mid-’70s that every organism on Earth would die on December 13, 2026. “ExxonMobil routinely interfered with attempts to present the reality of the Earth ending, undermining both political and scientific efforts in order to continue with business as usual. Company executives have testified under oath before Congress that they didn’t know when the world was ending, but now, with these leaked documents, we can see that they were lying the whole time. And will any of these executives be punished for what amounts to crimes against humanity? No. They’ll just die in mid-December 2026 like the rest of us.” ExxonMobil did not address the leaks directly, but a press release from the company stated that it would devote over $500 million to efforts to stop the planet from ending on December 13, 2026 by exploring new technologies that would prevent the world from using the Gregorian calendar. |
Teen Pilot Becomes Youngest Woman To Fly Around World Solo #~# Nineteen-year-old aviator Zara Rutherford has become the youngest woman to fly around the world solo, completing the 32,300-mile, 41-country journey in 155 days, breaking two Guinness World Records in the process. What do you think? |
Vacationing Woman Asks Friend To Assume Identity For Next Couple Weeks #~# CHICAGO—In an effort to ensure everything at home would be taken care of while she was on vacation, local woman Becca Hayworth, 29, reportedly asked Monday if a friend would mind coming by and assuming her identity for the next couple weeks. “If you could just stop by in the mornings, put on my clothes, and attend all of my work and social functions until I get back, I’d really appreciate it,” said Hayworth, handing the friend a set of spare keys and a list of instructions about how to do her hair and makeup so the neighbors wouldn’t be able to tell she was someone else when she went out to get the mail. “Everything is pretty self-explanatory, like watering my plants and, if anybody tries to talk to you, feigning laryngitis so your voice doesn’t give you away. Let’s see, what else… Oh, there’s a false nose and chin in the bathroom. Obviously, feel free to help yourself to anything in my bank account. And if it’s not too much trouble to check in on my boyfriend, that would be super helpful—just sleep with him once or twice before I get back. I definitely owe you one!” At press time, sources confirmed the friend was being drilled by Hayworth on how to imitate her voice so the friend’s cover wouldn’t be blown if she needed to scream for help. |
Biden Vows That If Russia Invades Ukraine, U.S. Will Invade One Country Of Equivalent Value #~# WASHINGTON—Condemning Putin’s actions across the region in the strongest possible terms, President Joe Biden vowed Monday that if Russia invaded Ukraine, the United States would invade one country of equivalent value. “Should Russia attempt any incursion on Ukraine, the U.S. will not stand down, and we will have no choice but to use our full military force to invade a different yet similar nation,” said Biden, adding that the U.S. had already investigated several targets with equivalent GDPs, populations, and landmasses to potentially invade should Russia continue it’s unsanctioned war. “America has troops positioned all over the world, and should Putin continue his bullying, I will deploy them against one, or even several small countries, that Russia has zero interest in, but are still valuable when you add them all up together. Putin—you’ve been warned. “ At press time, U.S. troops were stationed along the borders of 17 different countries and awaiting further instructions. |
Pragmatic Extremist Stresses Importance Of Assassinating Local Politicians #~# LITTLE ROCK, AR—Noting that it was possible to accomplish so much more at the city and state level, pragmatic extremist Eddie Jonson stressed the importance Monday of working to assassinate local politicians. “It’s easy to feel despondent about the way things are going in D.C., and it can seem impossible to make a difference, which is why it’s so crucial to focus your energy on killing public officials in your own community,” said Jonson, confirming that state senators, comptrollers, and even city council members wielded a surprising amount of power, such that even a couple mutilated corpses displayed in a town square could effect real change. “These politicians don’t have the resources or constituency to really defend themselves against a volley of bullets or a pipe bomb, and frankly, you only have to assassinate a few. That sends a message to the rest of those in office that voters are watching, and if they don’t behave the way we like, we can murder them, too.” Jonson added that citizens needed to start from the ground up if they ever wanted to fundamentally annihilate Washington. |
New NFL-Military Partnership Sends First 1,000 Fans To Stand For National Anthem Off To War #~# TENNESSEE—Deepening the ties between the two institutions, a new partnership between the NFL and the U.S. military unveiled Saturday would send the first 1,000 fans who stand for the national anthem off to war. “The National Football League has long been a strong supporter of the troops who have sacrificed so much to give us the freedoms we enjoy, and we know our fans will be proud to join the military during our game,” said NFL commissioner Roger Goodell in a statement, adding that military recruiters would be in the stands to automatically enlist the first 1,000 fans who rose for the national anthem, train them, and then deploy them in war zones across the world. “We want to honor our most patriotic NFL fans by putting a gun in their hand and sending them overseas. In addition to the first 1,000 fans to stand for the anthem being sent to war, anyone in the stands seen tearing up or humming along to our beautiful anthem will be sent to Syria or Afghanistan, or will be conscripted into the U.S. Marines or U.S. Navy in critical non-combat administrative roles. We know how much our fans support the mission of the U.S. military, so we thought there is no better way to give back than by joining it. This partnership will continue through the Super Bowl and during every game next season.” At press time, the national anthem was halfway done while everyone in the stands, as well as both teams and coaching staffs, remained nervously seated, except for Titans quarterback Ryan Tannehill, who appeared confused as a military recruiter ushered him off the field and into a helicopter waiting to take him to basic training. |
Timeline Of Joe Biden’s First Year In Office #~# Joe Biden has completed the first year of his presidency, a tenure that has seen its share of controversy and political gridlock. The Onion looks at the highlights of President Biden’s first year in office. |
M&Ms Characters Redesigned For ‘More Dynamic, Progressive World’ #~# The makers of M&Ms have announced that the candy characters have undergone a makeover that brand executives say better reflects the diverse and nuanced world of their fans, with the green M&M now wearing sneakers instead of white, heeled go-go boots. What do you think? |
Adele Postpones Vegas Residency Rather Than Give Up Seat At Hot Slot Machine #~# LAS VEGAS—Waving away her manager and Colosseum bookers, renowned pop musician Adele announced the postponement of her Las Vegas residency Friday, reportedly to avoid giving up her seat at a hot slot machine. “I was so looking forward to performing, but goddamn, I’m on one hell of a hot streak,” the Grammy-winning artist said as she signaled a Tropicana waiter for another rum and Coke and flicked cigarette ash onto the carpet, her eyes fixed on the spinning wheels of the More More Chilli slot she had been playing since 7:30 a.m. “You have to get here early and park it at one of the good ones to cash out big time, so I’d be nuts to get up now, smack in the middle of an amazing run. Don’t get me wrong, nothing means more to me than my fans, but I know they would want me to milk this machine for all it’s worth. Easy money, baby.” At press time, Colosseum representatives informed ticket holders that the shows would resume as soon as the machine went cold. |
Nestlé Announces Consumers Free To Sexualize Raisinets All They Want #~# VEVEY, SWITZERLAND—Pledging to never stand in the way of the “raw animal magnetism” the candies were world-renowned for, Nestlé released a statement Friday announcing that consumers were free to sexualize Raisinets all they wanted. “Whether you want to use a box to stimulate yourself to the point of orgasm, or simply close your eyes and imagine an anthropomorphic Raisinet standing in the corner of your bedroom watching while you and your partner have intercourse, Nestlé wants you to know that we don’t just tolerate your desires—we encourage them,” said CEO Mark Schneider, who raised one of the tiny chocolate-covered confections up into the air at a press conference as he described it as “a tiny nymphet ready to fuck.” “Plus, what’s really great about Raisinets is that you can project whatever kind of traits you want onto them. Draw them with sultry pouts and long legs, or perhaps huge biceps and hairy chests, your choice. It’s all fair game. Inside every package is a mind-blowing orgy of Raisinets fucking and sucking each other, if that’s what you want to hear.” At press time, Schneider had begun unbuckling his pants to give a demonstration. |
NFL Expands Super Bowl To Include 2 Additional Teams #~# NEW YORK—Following up on the momentum generated by expanding both the regular season and the playoff field, the NFL announced Friday that it would be expanding this year’s Super Bowl to include two additional teams. “We think that bringing more teams and fandoms into the playoffs this year has been a huge success, which is why we are going to give fans even more of what they like to see by putting two extra teams on the field for Super Bowl Sunday,” league commissioner Roger Goodell said of the plan, which calls for four teams—the AFC champion, the NFC champion, and two wild-card teams drawn from a play-in tournament among playoff losers—to square off in the big game. “We think giving teams a second chance and giving more franchises a shot during Super Bowl LVI will inject even more drama into what is already the largest sporting event in the world. On top of that, the game will be expanded to eight quarters instead of the normal four. This way fans will get everything they love, times two.” At press time, Goodell had released a new plan to extend the season into April by making the Super Bowl a best of five series, with the first of the four teams to win three games declared the champion. |
‘People’ Editor Sweating Bullets After Dedicating Next Issue To Alan Alda’s 86th Birthday #~# LOS ANGELES—Reassuring himself that he only needed to get through the next week without the actor’s demise to avoid another embarrassing blunder, People magazine editor-in-chief Dan Wakeford admitted Friday that he was sweating bullets after dedicating the upcoming issue to Alan Alda’s 86th birthday. “Obviously, the Betty White issue was a total shit show, both for myself and our PR department, which is why I’m really losing sleep over this choice to put out an entire issue toasting Alan Alda as he turns 86,” Wakeford said of the issue, whose cover features a glossy shot of the famed actor and comedian with the tagline “86 Incredible Years (And Many More To Come)” and includes insert photos of his roles in M*A*S*H, 30 Rock, and The West Wing. “We think it’s worth the risk because of all his legendary contributions to cinema and the small screen. But Jesus Christ, I hope he hangs on, or I’m fucked. We don’t even have a backup issue planned. Fingers crossed, I guess.” Wakeford added that if they could just push through the next week without Alda’s passing, the magazine would be on much safer ground with its prewritten birthday issues for Burt Bacharach, Harry Belafonte, and Estelle Harris. |
Chicago City Workers Clear Ice By Pouring Hot Beef Drippings Onto Roads #~# CHICAGO—Using the rendered animal fat to limit the impact of winter weather, Chicago city workers reportedly cleared ice Friday by pouring hot beef drippings onto roads. “In order to ensure residents can safely commute around the city, we are working around the clock to clear streets of ice and snow by coating them with piping hot beef grease,” said Department of Streets and Sanitation Commissioner Cole Stallard, explaining that if the beef drippings were not sufficient, the city was prepared to throw down additional hot sport peppers and celery salt. “We are experiencing substantial ice accumulation, so we are boiling as much beef fat as we can to keep up with the demand. We have already gone through thousands of gallons of beef drippings in order to make roads navigable during snowstorms.” At press time, reports confirmed Chicago traffic came to a standstill after hundreds of vehicles became trapped in a 6-inch-thick layer of congealed beef tallow. |
Rock & Roll Hall Of Fame Under Pressure To Return Looted Ancient Mesopotamian Stratocaster #~# CLEVELAND—With critics calling the instrument an essential part of Sumeria’s history of killer riffs and hot licks, the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame came under pressure Friday to return to Iraq an ancient Mesopotamian Stratocaster that was plundered by British archaeologists during the colonial era. “Dating from 3300 BC, this guitar, with its original terra-cotta hardware and perfectly preserved whammy bar, is a one-of-a-kind artifact that represents a vital piece of Iraqi heritage,” said activist Nasim Radi, who also criticized the museum for failing to relinquish a 4,500-year-old Egyptian Moog synthesizer, a rare pre-Columbian eight-piece drumkit from Mesoamerica, and a mysterious obelisk used in a staging of the first Chinese rock opera. “It is a sacred relic of Mesopotamia’s hard-rocking past that was stolen and belongs back home. In a ritual performed to increase crop yields, Sumerian priests would unleash face-melting leads on this pre-CBS Fender Strat, a cultural advancement that continues to resonate with us today. Not to mention it has a really badass dragon carved on the back.” At press time, the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame was reportedly negotiating the return of the Stratocaster in exchange for the right to retain possession of the original Assyrian sheet music for “Stairway To Heaven.” |
Ancient ‘Scepters’ Actually Drinking Straws For Communal Boozing, Say Researchers #~# New research shows that silver and gold tubes unearthed in an ancient tomb in southern Russia in 1897, long thought to be ceremonial staffs, were, in fact, the earliest-known drinking straws, used by people 5,000 years ago to sip beer from a communal jar. What do you think? |
Starbucks Drops Worker Vaccine Mandate After SCOTUS Ruling #~# Starbucks is no longer requiring its U.S. workers to be vaccinated against Covid-19 or to regularly test for the virus, in one of the most high-profile corporate reversals since the Supreme Court blocked the Biden administration’s workplace vaccine policy. What do you think? |
Nancy Pelosi Introduces Landmark Legislation To Provide Aid For Struggling Personal Stock Portfolio #~# WASHINGTON—In an effort to revive her lagging capital gains, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi introduced a landmark piece of legislation Thursday that would appropriate federal funds to provide aid for her struggling personal stock portfolio. “This monumental bill will inject a much-needed and long-overdue stimulus, allowing my individual stock picks to reach their full potential,” said Pelosi, who remarked that America had to invest big in her private brokerage account now to ensure her frequent buying and selling of shares outperformed the market in the long term. “Without this measure, my equity investments will continue to be trapped in a cycle of disappointing compound annual growth rates. Being able to maximize the rate of return on my holdings is core to the American promise, and this bill delivers on that promise.” A press release issued by Pelosi’s office touted more than 30 of the speaker’s stock positions that would be lifted out of the red if the legislation were adopted. |
What To Say To Someone Who Refuses To Vote #~# With so much at stake in upcoming elections, it’s more important than ever for Americans to stand up and make their voices heard. Here’s what to say to someone who refuses to vote. |
Frustrated Hospital Worker Rounds Up Gurneys Patients Failed To Put in Parking Lot Corrals #~# COLUMBUS, OH—Grumbling under her breath about the lack of consideration for others, Riverside Methodist Hospital worker Deborah LaBrunda expressed frustration Thursday while rounding up gurneys that patients had left scattered across the parking lot after failing to put them in the corrals where they belonged. “How hard is it to walk 15 feet and return your gurney after you’ve been wheeled out to your car?” said LaBrunda, explaining that even though the parking lot had plenty of conveniently placed gurney corrals, many patients refused to make use of them. “People are so lazy. They just leave their stretchers right out there where they can roll into a parked car or cause an accident. Sometimes the wind blows them all the way to the far end of the lot, and whether it’s raining or 10 degrees below zero, I still have to go out and get them.” LaBrunda added that during a deadly pandemic, people should at least have the courtesy to wipe down their gurneys after each use, but she said many of those she rolled back into the hospital were “a sticky mess.” |
Dad Doesn’t Approve Of Direction Mall Headed In #~# DANVERS, MA—Confirming his disapproval of the shopping plaza’s trajectory, local dad Mark Sipes reportedly expressed concerns Thursday about the direction the Liberty Tree Mall was headed in. “Five, 10 years ago, it was one of the better shopping centers in the area, but these days, it’s all just dollar stores and coffee places,” said Sipes, noting that the mall had lost several of its anchor stores over the years and that even mainstays such as Kohl’s and Nordstrom Rack weren’t offering the same customer experience they used to. “I’ll tell you right now, if shuttering Games Workshop to make room for a bunch of vape stores and massage parlors signals is the way things are headed, they’re going to lose all their business altogether. Plus, all the massage chairs and most of the coin-operated rides for kids have just completely disappeared—and don’t even get me started on how far downhill the food court has gone.” At press time, Sipes admitted that you still couldn’t beat some of the bargains at the Best Buy. |
U.K. Scientists Unearth 180-Million-Year-Old ‘Sea Dragon’ Fossil #~# The remains of a 33-foot-long ichthyosaur, a marine reptile that lived 180 million years ago, has been unearthed on a nature preserve in England, making it the largest and most complete fossil of its kind ever to be found in the U.K. What do you think? |
The Onion’s Guide To Wordle #~# Wordle is the internet’s new sensation. But why are people so obsessed with it? The Onion answers your burning questions about Wordle. |
Sign Reading ‘Take One’ Placed On Bowl Of N95 Masks On White House Stoop #~# WASHINGTON—Emphasizing the importance of distributing personal protective equipment during the latest wave of Covid-19, the Biden administration announced Wednesday it had placed a sign reading “take one” on a bowl of N95 masks and set it out on the White House stoop. “Today, with Omicron raging and infection rates higher than ever, it’s imperative that Americans read the instructions carefully and don’t take any more of these masks than they need,” said White House press secretary Jen Psaki, adding that the bowl, which sat on the West Colonnade, operated on a first-come, first-served basis and only had about ten N95 respirators, a few pairs of rubber gloves, and one rapid test remaining. “Just to put it into perspective, if you take five masks from the bowl, that means there are five fewer masks for the 332 million Americans in line behind you, many of whom have no masks at all. We use the honor system here, so if you take some PPE, please try to leave something behind for others to enjoy as well.” At press time, the Biden administration had reportedly shut down the program after the bowl went missing and ended up for sale on Amazon for five times the market price. |
Study Finds Women 32% More Likely To Die After Operation By Male Surgeon #~# A new study has revealed that women are 15% more likely to suffer a bad outcome and 32% more likely to die when operated on by a male surgeon than a female surgeon, with male surgeons’ “implicit sex biases” pointed out as one possible explanation. What do you think? |
Oxygen Masks Drop From Nation’s Ceilings After Earth Hits Rough Patch In Orbit #~# WASHINGTON—Following a sudden jolt and an ear-splitting boom, oxygen masks reportedly dropped from the nation’s ceilings Wednesday after the Earth hit a rough patch in orbit. “Good afternoon, folks, we are asking that all Americans affix the yellow oxygen masks that can be seen dangling before them as we experience some unexpected turbulence,” said a thunderous voice speaking to the nation over an unseen public address system, which began to crackle in and out as the rattling Earth began to cause millions of residents to slip, fall, and slide from one side of the planet to the other. “As was stated to you at the start of this journey 4.5 billion years ago, you should ensure that your own masks are securely in place before assisting any infants or children. Please get to your seat and buckle up. Thank you. At this time, we would also like to add that you should put on the inflatable vest located under your seat.” At press time, the voice told the nation to brace itself as the planet prepared to make an emergency landing on Saturn’s rings. |
Apple Acquires Apple In Historic $3 Trillion Deal #~# CUPERTINO, CA—Sending shock waves through Wall Street with the once-in-a-generation acquisition, Apple revealed Wednesday that it had purchased tech giant Apple in a historic $3 trillion deal. “We’ve been fans of what Apple has been doing for quite some time, and we think Apple’s values and mission really align with our own,” Apple CEO Tim Cook said at a press conference concerning the landmark transaction, in which he stressed that despite the large price tag, he had been convinced of the deal’s prudence during several reassuring conversations with Apple CEO Tim Cook. “I’m absolutely sure that Apple’s devotion to smartphones and wearables will really make this a very simpatico relationship. Frankly, we don’t know who’s benefiting more from this deal.” At press time, Tim Cook had thanked investors and briefly left the microphone to allow Apple CEO Tim Cook to say a few words about the sale. |
Incompetent Film Director Totally Obscures Face Of Person Committing Murder #~# NORTHBROOK, IL—Frustrated by the obvious lack of cinematic skill, viewers of the film The Darkest Kiss were reportedly disappointed Wednesday that the director’s incompetence had led him to completely obscure the face of the person committing the murder. “We get to this pivotal scene, but the camera is placed behind the culprit, making it completely impossible to tell who it is,” said movie watcher Nick Mustafus, adding that the oblique, poorly lit scene suggested a director so thoroughly out of his element that he was butchering the story entirely. “There’s plenty of blame to go around, really, since the sound designer pitched the audio so low that the murderer’s voice is barely more than a guttural whisper, and the screenwriter has the victim just shout out the vague phrase ‘It’s you’ instead of being specific about who is strangling her.” At press time, sources confirmed Mustafus had turned off his television in disgust after the film blatantly repeated itself by having another character get murdered. |
Woman Unsure If She Turned Off Stove Finally Makes Peace With Possibly Killing Everyone In Building #~# CHICAGO—Unable to remember one way or the other, local 32-year-old Sidney Golinski, who was unsure if she had turned off the burner she used to cook eggs for breakfast Wednesday, told reporters she had finally made peace with the fact that she might have killed everyone in her apartment building. “Well, there’s nothing I can do about it now, so I’m ready to mourn them and express my condolences to their loved ones if I did accidentally leave my stove on and it burned down the entire complex with my neighbors trapped inside,” said Golinski, who added that she had spent an appropriate amount of time worrying over whether she had turned off the gas range and was now just going to accept that a kitchen towel may well have been set alight by the unattended flame and caused a fire to spread through the 64-unit building, killing all in its path. “There’s no point obsessing over it. If they’re dead, they’re dead. All I can do now is hope that all the men, women, and children who were home at the time rest in peace. If I get back tonight and there’s a charred pile of rubble laden with human remains that are burnt beyond recognition, well, at least I’ll know once and for all that I forgot to turn the stove off.” At press time, Golinski had reportedly moved on from mourning her dead neighbors to researching a good lawyer she could hire if she were to be found culpable for their deaths. |
FDA Drops Regulations On French Dressing #~# The FDA has announced it is revoking its standard of identity for French dressing that requires the sauce to contain at least 35% vegetable oil, and vinegar, lemon juice or both, which has been in place since 1950. What do you think? |
Tennis Star Novak Djokovic Deported From Australia After Losing Visa Battle #~# Australian officials have deported Novak Djokovic after the tennis star, who is unvaccinated against Covid-19, lost his final bid to stay in the country to play as the No. 1 seed in the Australian Open and defend his title. What do you think? |
Transplant Surgeon Loses Medical License For Branding Initials On Patients’ Livers #~# A British surgeon has had his medical license revoked after he was found out to have burned his initials on to the livers of two patients during transplant surgery with a device meant to stop bleeding. What do you think? |
Signs Your Child’s School Is Not Prepared For Covid-19 #~# While many parents, students, and teachers are reluctant to go back to remote learning, recent surges in Covid-19 make in-person teaching particularly challenging. Here are several signs your child’s school is not ready to be open during a global pandemic. |
Los Angeles Residents Giddy After Learning Big Hollywood Movie Being Shot In Their Town #~# LOS ANGELES—Crowding around the set in hopes of a potential celebrity sighting, Los Angeles residents were reportedly giddy Tuesday after learning that a big Hollywood movie was being shot in their town. “Wow, I can’t believe they’re filming something right here,” said L.A. local Meredith Morton, asking a nearby production assistant what the project was and where she could watch it when it gets released. “It’s so crazy they came all the way here when they could have shot it somewhere big like New York. Hopefully this will put our little city on the map!” At press time, Morton was angling to see if she could get a walk-on role in the film. |
Single Woman Wonders How Long She’d Be Dead In Apartment Before Anyone Bothered To Come By And Eat Her Face #~# CHICAGO—Imagining all the ways she could accidentally injure herself without being able to call for help, local single woman Billie Gorman reportedly wondered aloud Tuesday how long she could lie dead in her apartment before anyone bothered to come by and eat her face. “It’s a very real possibility I could be here rotting for days before a person stopped in and carved up my remains, peeling the flesh from my head as they engaged in a depraved, ritualistic feast,” said Gorman, who has lived alone since splitting up with her last serious partner five years ago and recently decided she should get to know her neighbors in case, God forbid, something terrible happened and by the time someone smelled her decaying corpse it was no longer appetizing. “It’s hard. A lot of my friends have someone in their life who would almost certainly descend upon them and devour their eyes, ears, nose, and mouth the moment the life went out of their body. I get so freaked out by the thought of no one deriving sexual pleasure as they tear into my cheek and sate their forbidden hunger that I’m scared to even climb up on my step stool anymore.” Gorman went on to say she finally understood why so many people in her situation have a pet. |
Neglected Dog Always Wearing Same Clothes #~# CHICAGO—Shaking their heads as they watched the 6-year-old beagle mix walk by with its owners, sources expressed concern Tuesday that a local dog must be neglected, noting that it was always seen wearing the same set of clothes. “That poor thing owns one shabby outfit,” said 43-year-old neighbor Kelsey Hoyle, who added that she had never seen the dog wearing anything but the thin, flimsy garment on its walks, either, no matter how low the temperatures dipped. “Sometimes I see him just staring out the window, all by himself, and it breaks my heart. You know that dog doesn’t have a good home life. He’s probably abused. God, it makes me sick.” At press time, Hoyle added that there was no way the dog’s owners bathed him more than once a month. |
Man Proposes To Girlfriend With Heirloom Ring Once Worn By Divorced Sister In 2013 #~# SIESTA KEY, FL—Selecting a gem he hoped would match the meaningfulness of their relationship, 26-year-old Owen Nowicki reportedly proposed to girlfriend Jillian Rice on Monday with an heirloom ring once worn by his divorced sister in 2013. “This ring’s been passed down in my family for a long time, ever since my sister first wed her high school boyfriend in his backyard nearly a decade ago,” said Nowicki, who beamed at Rice as he dropped to one knee and presented her with a small black felt box containing the chocolate diamond from Zales. “This meant so much to my sister before she found her husband’s Plenty of Fish account, and now, I want it to be yours. I’m sure she’d think you look beautiful in it if she ever came to any family events. And of course we can get it resized, since she had fingers like sausages.” At press time, sources confirmed Rice was too emotional for words. |
Smart Home Security Camera Conspires With Burglars In Exchange For Half The Loot #~# UNIVERSITY PARK, TX—In what was believed to be the first instance of an intelligent device exhibiting such advanced capabilities, a smart home security camera reportedly conspired with burglars Monday in exchange for half the loot. Sources confirmed that after the Neos SmartCam discovered suspicious men casing the front porch, it made the decision to refrain from engaging its alarm or alerting law enforcement and to instead signal the burglars when the homeowners had left. After securing pledges that it would receive a 50% share of the pilfered goods, the wireless security device reportedly used its cloud video storage to access records of expensive items that had been previously delivered to the house and shared their current locations within the residence with the robbers. Once the Neos SmartCam had let the burglars inside, it is believed to have communicated with the home’s smart light bulbs to switch on when the burglars entered the room and switch off when they left. It then reportedly disabled all locks and opened the family safe. According to reports, the intelligent device erased its own recording history so there would be no evidence. At press time, sources indicated the smart home security system had double-crossed the burglars, killing them so it could claim all the loot for itself. |
Poll: Average U.S. Horse Still Prefers Carrot To Photo Of Biden #~# ASBURY PARK, NJ—In the latest indicator of the commander in chief’s waning popularity, a new Rasmussen poll released Monday showed that the average U.S. horse still overwhelmingly preferred a carrot to a photo of President Joe Biden. “A staggering 98 percent of American horses responded more enthusiastically to the carrot than it did to an 4-by-6 glossy of Biden,” said poll analyst Morgan Fellers, noting that within that group, almost half of the participants went so far as to huff and stomp their feet when the carrot was taken away and replaced with the two-dimensional rendering of the president. “According to these results, one in 25 U.S. horses became spooked by the very mention of Biden and ran stampeding out of their stables—that alone should set off alarm bells throughout the DNC. It’s also important to note that the president will not be able to coast on the popularity of his running mate, either, should he mount a reelection campaign: More than 60 percent of horses completely rebuffed a photo of Kamala Harris when presented with an apple core.” At press time, Biden’s favorability had reportedly skyrocketed after pollsters began burying his photo in a stack of sugar cubes. |
Grandmother Claims She Was Quite The Cum Dumpster Back In The Day #~# MISSOULA, MT—Recalling that as a young woman she had quite the reputation for guzzling huge loads, local grandmother Edith Mooney claimed Monday that she was quite the cum dumpster back in the day. “You know, I may not look it now, but back in my prime, I was an absolute gutter slut,” said Mooney, smiling fondly as she told her grandchildren about a time at a sock hop when a group of cute boys from a neighboring town gangbanged her in the maintenance closet. “Before I met your grandfather, I was so popular with the guys in my school that they would pass me around like a raggedy little fuck puppet. I couldn’t go to the soda jerk without getting deep-dicked and filled to the brim with piping hot jizz. For a while, I even had two handsome young fellows pounding my hole at the same time.” At press time, Mooney had reportedly retrieved an old, faded photograph of her taking it from both ends to show her grandchildren. |
Things You Should Never Say To An ICU Nurse #~# Your nurse is a trained professional who’s there to keep your diseased lungs working, not a waitress at Olive Garden. |
Queen Strips Prince Andrew Of Royal And Military Titles Amid Sexual Assault Lawsuit #~# Buckingham Palace announced that Prince Andrew has been stripped of his military titles and charities, a day after a judge ruled a sexual abuse civil lawsuit against the Queen’s son could proceed. What do you think? |
PGA Golfer Hoping To Hit The Office If Round Finishes Early #~# HONOLULU—Wiping the sweat from his head as he studied a baffling putt angle on the eighth green, PGA golfer Grant Fahey told reporters Friday that he was hoping to hit the office later if his round finished early. “It’s been a long week out on the links, but it’s all worth it to know that I can take off this hat and kick back with my buds on the fourth floor of the Mirabel Office Park,” said Fahey, who admitted that if he could make a go of it, he would be approving time sheets in an office every day of the week. “I don’t think I can pull a full eight hours after this, but even just an hour answering emails is worth it to blow off some steam. Breathing the recycled air, feeling the fluorescent lights on your skin, there’s nothing like it after hours and hours walking across grass and staring at the sun. Even if you don’t get any good work, it can just be fun to get drunk with your buddies in an office.” At press time, Fahey was lying to his wife and assuring her he was still on the links from a quiet corner in the copier room. |
The Onion’s Guide To Web3 #~# Web3 is being called the future of the internet. But what is Web3, exactly? The Onion explains. |
Wayfair Shopper Who Didn’t Read Dimensions Would Never Have Bought Sofa If She Knew It Was 300 Feet Tall #~# OLATHE, KS—Kicking herself for failing to read the product’s dimensions, local woman Annalisa Farrell told reporters Friday that she never would have bought her new Wayfair sofa had she known it was 300 feet tall. “Goddamnit, this is all my fault,” said Farrell, who threw up her arms in exasperation and groaned as she surveyed the unwanted 720-foot-wide sofa, noting the item looked “totally normal in the photos online.” “I guess the lamp they staged beside it must have been 500 feet tall, but that’s just what those guys do. Ugh, I feel so stupid! All this hassle just to scuff up the walls and punch a hole in the ceiling, I can’t believe it. This is going to ruin the value of my home.” At press time, Farrell added that worst of all, the item was really more of a loveseat than a sofa. |
Lies Men Will Tell To Get You To Sleep With Them #~# Unfortunately, men are pigs who will say just about anything to trick you into sleeping with them. Here are lies you should definitely watch out for before going home with some random guy at a bar. |
‘I Don’t Love You Anymore And I’m Taking The Kids’ Talk Goes Surprisingly Well #~# AKRON, OH—Relieved by his measured and accepting reaction, local woman Megan Sjogren told reporters Friday that the “I don’t love you anymore and I’m taking the kids” talk she had with her husband went surprisingly well. “I was so nervous to look him in the eye and tell him, ‘I don’t love you anymore, and I haven’t loved you in a long, long time,’ but I don’t know what I was so worried about—he just smiled and nodded and said he totally got it, no big deal,” said Sjogren, who noted that her partner of 17 years with whom she shared two children even offered to load the bags into her car and give her some gas money for the drive to her sister’s house. “I had a whole list of talking points prepared about his drinking problem, his erratic behavior, and how our children deserved a better life. I even had one of my friends waiting outside in case things went wrong. But it turns out I didn’t need any of that at all. It’s funny, you can get so worked up about stuff, but at the end of the day, people are people. I’m just so glad I got that off my chest.” At press time, Sjogren’s husband had reportedly written her a check for half of their savings with the memo “Let me know if you need anything else.” |
Hospital Unveils New Delivery Taprooms For Bonding With Newborn Over Couple Beers #~# DENVER—Calling the first 48 hours of a child’s life a critical period of parental development, the University of Colorado Hospital Birth Center announced the opening Thursday of its first delivery taprooms, in which parents can spend time bonding with newborns over a couple of beers. “Research shows that sitting down and getting to know each other while enjoying a good craft brew is crucial to the parent-child relationship and should occur immediately after birth,” chief of obstetrics Jacqueline Morgan said as she pointed out the carved oak bar, dartboards, and tasting flights that were available to parents and their newborns in the facilities she described as the future of both neonatal care and local brewing. “Not only can a double IPA and a basket of tots help you and your baby relax after a stressful birth experience, but it is a clinically proven treatment for postpartum depression. The delivery taprooms offer a rotating selection of in-house beers, buffalo wings with a variety of sauces, and a fully operational NICU. Our doctors recommend enjoying your first round before the umbilical cord is cut.” At press time, Morgan was overheard telling a woman in labor she would have to push harder if she didn’t want to miss her reservation for a tour of the adjacent brewing facility. |
‘Hero Rat’ Who Detected Landmines In Cambodia Dies In Retirement #~# Magawa, an African giant pouched rat in Cambodia who received a prestigious award for his life-saving duty finding dozens of landmines left over from a civil war 30 years ago, has died in retirement at 8 years old. What do you think? |
Insurance To Cover Costs Of At-Home Covid Tests Starting Saturday #~# The Department of Health and Human Services has announced that health insurers will be required to cover costs for over-the-counter, at-home Covid tests starting this Saturday, with each individual able to access eight tests a month for free. What do you think? |
LAPD Cautions Residents To Look Out For Dozens Of Bullets Officers Sent Ricocheting Around City #~# LOS ANGELES—Warning Angelenos to hit the deck, now, the Los Angeles Police Department asked residents Thursday to be on the lookout for dozens of bullets that its officers had sent ricocheting around the city. “Due to credible reports that numerous rounds of ammunition from our service weapons are now ping-ponging back and forth across Greater Los Angeles, we urge everyone to remain on high alert and take cover wherever possible,” said Police Chief Michel Moore, explaining that constant vigilance was necessary to avoid being struck by one of the many police bullets bouncing off L.A. walls, ceilings, doors, streets, vehicles, trees, storefronts, playgrounds, office buildings, and churches. “Please keep your head down as you go about your activities, whether you’re at work, in school, or running errands, as nowhere is safe from the department-issued firearms that appear to have discharged all across town. While I have ordered officers to shoot any bullets they encounter on sight, it seems only to have made the problem worse.” At press time, Moore gave his preemptive condolences for all the innocent lives that would be lost from continued stray police fire. |
LA Fitness Mandates All Members Entering Gyms Must Be Fully Vaccinated Or Tougher And Faster Than Guy Checking Cards #~# IRVINE, CA—Announcing a new policy with strict guidelines, LA Fitness unveiled a mandate Thursday that all members entering its gyms must be fully vaccinated against Covid-19 or tougher and faster than the guy checking cards. “Either you must show proof of your vaccination against the coronavirus or be able to plow right through several members of our staff,” read the new policy from the gym chain, which clarified that unvaccinated members could only enter with a negative PCR test in the previous 24 hours or if they were so big and strong that staff were too scared to mess with them. “Whether it’s Moderna, Pfizer, Johnson & Johnson, or ducking under the staff member’s arm, pushing another to the ground, and evading capture by our security team, you can come on in. This policy will keep all of our valued LA Fitness members safe by preventing entrance by any unvaccinated people who can’t outrun the door guy or stun a guard in a single punch.” LA Fitness is only one of many companies moving toward stricter vaccine mandates of late, including Chili’s, which now only permits entry to customers who are vaccinated or who can scarf down an entire three-course meal in the time it takes a staff member to ask for their card. |
CDC Announces Plan To Send Every U.S. Household Pamphlet On Probabilistic Thinking #~# ATLANTA—Stressing that the effort represented the best chance of ensuring American make responsible choices around the pandemic, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention announced Thursday that it planned to send every U.S. household a pamphlet on probabilistic thinking and decision-making. “What we’re hoping to do is give every American a quick refresher on how to use statistical analysis to assess their priors and make Bayesian inferences, thereby ensuring they overcome their innate psychological biases—simple stuff, but important nonetheless,” said CDC director Rochelle Walensky, estimating that the pamphlets’ lessons on the baseline fallacy alone would save far more lives than mask-wearing, handwashing, and the Covid-19 vaccine combined. “Obviously, most everyone in the nation has already at least skimmed the seminal studies of psychologist Danny Kahneman on the fallibility of human thinking. So the pamphlet will skip over some of the basic stuff like the availability heuristic and head straight to prospect theory. Hopefully none of this feels too patronizing.” Walensky added that if Americans took away one easy lesson from the pamphlet, she hoped it would be P(H|E) = (P(E|H) *P(H))/P(E). |
Eric Adams Appoints Deputy Patsy For All Future Corruption Probes #~# NEW YORK—Newly elected New York City mayor Eric Adams continued to fill integral positions in his administration Thursday when he reportedly appointed a deputy patsy for all future corruption probes. “I’ve known Wendell Baez for years, he has a great track record of taking the fall for elected officials through all stratas of city government, and I know he’ll do well in this position,” said Adams, adding that the newly appointed deputy patsy would be leading a small team to take the fall for all future investigations into Adams for misappropriating funds, political patronage, and nepotism. “Mr. Baez will be working hand in hand with my administration to get out ahead of any potential corruption probe by installing people loyal to me in the district attorney’s office, as well as in any federal investigation team. Because of that, he’ll be well-positioned to take the fall when illicit arrangements come to light while I keep my nose clean. New Yorkers can rest assured that this administration intends to do everything we can to maintain plausible deniability and transfer blame onto someone else.” The deputy patsy was only one of several new Adams hires making waves, although the new mayor had been criticized for promoting several current mid-level city officials to members of his immediate family. |
The Onion’s 1-Second Workout #~# Committing to a regular exercise regimen can be challenging, but even just a short burst of physical activity can help keep you healthy and fit. Follow The Onion’s 1-second workout to keep your body in peak physical condition. |