Datasets:

Kanakmi

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mental-disorders

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We are now opening submissions for our new project [Annual Echo](https://www.facebook.com/AnnualEcho/?__tn__=K-R&eid=ARCb3mD-Vi982t82xvaxCm-uE4sgOI2Qhojy_rmO9tZ4Ct0d2wpco9A8RzSZKkdZXY5-tS7H_G5RvGf0&fref=mentions&__xts__%5B0%5D=68.ARA_RJNHps4HkbIrcWgCS5kYOLx3PpGt5Y6NLjXmPTsl5h-KMVMxet2zjMZwjX_oS7CrA3du1ar9LohKPjPmsiEaDXcBOGPeqxNsKUJSRVr7aUoZ-CXoF308mW64ipwDgsoSm4V0SlOIIwjgq3Kj25_j-I-AeabjRfo7HN7v4YrEJBD07Cktyrgu78hJLrUQaa5l_m2cwTwGVSGAQDjwhtUs82CSuuUPwv-MfZir5lP4N9VJ8BLFhe2LI9Q4pGdQPkUa888IIYux2lf3-IiQ0QZWcapznW_QhC_4Qc-e8YE80fI--YMzzqPGAooA8WiFCi56z4SYLBd6zs05E5ImHd4), a space to share and recognize the unique experiences of those impacted by past trauma. The aim of this collection is to de-stigmatize the challenges associated with trauma through the power of storytelling and art. The name 'Annual Echo' is inspired by the variety of ways we do or do not acknowledge anniversaries of these experiences. Whether we chose to grieve, embrace change, or simply celebrate growth—these days mean something different to us all. We want to know what these days mean to you. \*\*If you would like to share how you spend your trauma anniversary, in any form (art, poetry, short stories, screenshots from your iPhone notes, etc.), email submissions to [annualecho@gmail.com](mailto:annualecho@gmail.com).

My therapist had asked me to get some opinions on medication and read into people’s experiences with a mood stabilizer. This is not me asking for advice, just experiences since I am so reluctant to try it out.

Guess I’m having a early mid-life crisis. On April 22nd I will be 30 years old and I’m not ready for it. It just seems so old to me. So many people my age are settling down, getting engaged/marrero, having kids, etc. I still want to go to the bar and to concerts and to spend Sundays doing absolutely nothing and I’m not ready to be tied down to a serious relationship or kids. At the same time I’m afraid if I don’t pair up and get serious I’m going to be left behind, so to speak, and dating will just get harder and I’ll get to a point in my life where I want to settle down but there won’t be anyone compatible left. I should mention that I’m also moving 1000 miles away in 6 weeks, to a very fun city with lots to do, which adds more anxiety to the whole thing - what with having to make new friends and what not. I just feel like I’m at a crossroads for a decision I’m not ready to make.

Anti-Anxiety medicine guide, I need one. :) Maybe there is already such in this reddit somewhere, I would love a link very much, thanks. Also, happy or at least somewhat calm New Year to everyone, fellow people.

Anybody severely bullied with not any good reason.like I feel like I’ve been marked and have legal issues because of Rumours. Like the harassment social media posts why? I’m not a bad kid did everything right school got good at a sport going to college for. Why am I the one that’s cursed.

Hey folks, I am a bipolar, anxiety driven, abandonment fearing, suicidal thinking, lonely broken dude. I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder when I was 11. Diagnosed with ADHD last year, and after tons of research online into understanding BPD, I think it falls in line with how I've felt all my life. The constant struggle for acceptance from friends, family, and loved ones. The paralyzing fear that the person you are with may just decide they are done. The constant pattern of fear driven circular ruminating thought about things long gone, conversations forgotten (except by you). I live in a world of woulda, coulda, shoulda, what if's, and why is this happening. My good days are good, my great days are great, my bad days are filled with thoughts of what's the most painless, least messy way of just killing myself so my wife doesn't have to clean up too much. I have been to therapists, confided in friends, talked to my wife, but at the end of the day I am just tired of being this person, with these thoughts, fears, and anxieties. Sometimes I am in control, but when I lose that control, even I don't want to be around me. I truly don't know how my wife tolerates my swings. They've caused fights, breakups, blowouts and everything in between. I'm medicated with Celexa as a mood stabilizer, and Strattera for my ADHD, which seems to add more benefit to my Celexa (I was on Adderall first, but holy crap, that made me so much worse). I've been a lot better as far as my normal days go (read, no triggers, stressers, etc.) And even if there are, I'm generally ok... But, when it comes to my wife, anything peeks my anxiety, and it's all a freefall from there. Oddly enough, it doesn't matter how stressful my work gets, my confidence is unshakable. I know I can talk to her (my wife), she may or may not understand, she may or may not get angry (I think she has BPD as well) but I choose not to because I don't want to burden her with my anxieties and fears, she has enough of them on her own, also, I want her to feel like she has a rock to lean on, not another person as weak as she may feel when she needs me. Anyway, just wanted to share my piece, say hi, I'll probably lurk a lot, but if anyone needs an ear (or a pair of eyes in this case)... Feel free to inbox me, I'm a good listener/reader, and generally good with advice, I just suck at helping myself.

So not really depressed just very sad and don’t really know what I’m doing with my life lolll I’m 19 female going to be 20 soon and would love any kind of advice :))

I have been trying to “fake it till you make it” for a year and a half. I hang out with people, I make jokes, laugh, but I can’t feel a single positive emotion Last night I hooked up with someone and I just felt void. Do you know what that’s like? To share an intimate moment and feel absolutely nothing? All I want is to feel happy but I’m just constantly empty and I’m starting to feel like it isn’t worth it to fight a losing battle anymore

I despise that I doubt what he’s done to me. I hate that everyone around me tells me that what he did isn’t that bad, that I’m too sensitive, it’s just how he is. I hate that even after what he’s done to me, what he’s taken from me, I still doubt myself, still think I’m just doing it for attention. I hate that there’s still a part of me that still loves him. That still craves his affection, that wants him to just be proud of me. I hate that I hate others because they have what I never did. They get given the things that were stolen from me. Why do they get a loving family? Why do they get a supportive dad who never raises his voice? Never insults them? Why do they get to live their lives, not spending every second thinking about how they should just end it? What did they do to deserve that? What did I do to deserve what I got? Please just help me. https://www.reddit.com/r/abusiveparents/comments/m6xsfl/is_this_abusive/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf

Hello everyone I'm an 19 year old male with a perfectly normal bmi (5"9 153lbs or 175cm 70kg). I've never smoked in my life, I've never tried drugs and I don't drink alcohol. No history of cancer or heart issues in my family. So it all begun this July when I woke up with an intense chest pain, I thought I was having a heart attack and my mother slashed me to the ER. I had a blood test, EKG, ultrasound everything was clear. One week later I caught covid, but the symptoms were mild and I was also vaccinated. So in September I took a CBC again in order to get an Accutane treatment for my acne. The CBC came back with high WBC and lymphocytes (10.1 and 48 normals are 4.0-10.0 for WBC and 20-38 for lymphocytes). They told me it might be cause of covid and I should retake the CBC in a month. Meanwhile I begun to get daily intense chest pains, at the upper left part where I can feel my heart. So I got another appointment with a cardiologist. In October I went to the cardiologist who did an EKG, echo, 48 Holter everything came back fine again. So they told me I don't have any heart issues. Now my CBC came back with more elevated wbc and lymphocytes (11 and 48). At the time I had also developed everyday abdominal pains. And lots of gasses, like I have to fart all the time, and the farts last long. Also I feel a fullness to my abdomen and I get spasms or fasciculations? all over my body everyday. I got an abdominal ultrasound which came back normal. My poop also comes back in thin layers which looks nothing like before. In December I met with an hematologist/oncologist who put me on like 30 tests and everything came back clear except my WBC (which were again elevated at 12.6 this Time and lymphocytes at 47) in September they were 10.1 and in December 12.6 the hematologist told me that I have a reactive lymphocyticosis and it's nothing serious. (before I caught covid in July at the ER my CBC was perfectly normal). He said I should retake a CBC in 6 months in order to check. I also visited a gastroenterologist who said that I probably have nothing since I'm too young and prescribed me omeprazole for 30 days. It didn't help at all. I also take vit D supplements because I have a deficiency. I also had a poop culture which came back clear. I decided that I should look into my thyroid for the heart etc. So I got a thyroid ultrasound and some labs with bloodwork. Everything came back clear again. Along with some inflammation labs CRP, igm igg, igg which were negative Now it's been like 5 months that I'm leaving in daily pain, I can feel something like a rapid heartbeat in my abdomen, hands back etc, my body is pumping all the time. I think they're called fasciculations, I get them like every 20 minutes and it's so so annoying. I also get the intense chest pains everyday, I feel like my heart is gonna leave me or something. It's really painful and I feel like dying. My abdomen also hurts everyday. I have so much Gass, and ramblings. Which I can't stand. My belly usually hurts at the upper left part. I also got covid again, just a few days before new year, im afraid to take a CBC now, cause I believe that my WBC will have skyrocketed. My symptoms were worse than first time. I had a high fever for 2 days (38.5-39.5C and I still have some cough). I feel that this will really mess my immune system more than it's already messed up. I guess it's already messed up, because my covid symptoms were much worse than in July, even though I had the delta variant in July and now the omicron which is weaker. I asked if I can get a colonscopy but they told me that they're meant for people over the age of 50. And me with no family history I'm not a candidate for it. Pretty much every test I've taken comes up normal Except my wbc which keep raising every month. I'm so afraid that I have something serious like cancer or crohn's. My quality of life has really deteriorated, I can't study any more(afraid I'm gonna fail my uni finals), I can't do anything. I'm in daily pain. My heart hurts. My acne has dominated my body it's really everywhere (chest, back, butt, face even thighs, we're talking really bad cystic acne here not pimples) and with bad break outs. I can't lie on my bed because my back bleeds because of it. And I still haven't gotten the Accutane because of my blood. I also want to start working out, but the pains are scaring the shit out of me. Thinking that I'm gonna pass on the treadmill or something. The acne has also destroyed my self esteem and it's worse than ever (been battling with it for almost 5 years now) I don't wanna die yet but my life is really shitty. Hell I would give everything to feel good again. Tbh I don't know what tests I can take anymore. To shed some light in my case. Should I ask for an MRI? My parents have really got full of me, I've ripped them off by dragging them to so many appointments(I've had more than 15-20 since July) they have to pay. I can literally feel my left part of my belly pumping right now, like when I touch my heart. I also get some sharp pains here and there that last a few seconds. I'm so afraid it's cancer or autoimmune which will make me suffer for life, only the thought of it makes me wanna vomit. I'm only 19 goddammit

Last night I was a whirlwind of confusion and emotions about my medication and the choices that I am making recently and today I woke up and the lay in my bed staring at the ceiling when suddenly it felt like my entire world was going blurry and things were moving in front of me and it reminded me of when I first started medication and I'll admit it scared me quite a lot for a moment because I thought something was seriously wrong but luckily I managed to snap out of it and the world stopped moving. But now I find my frame of mind has completely changed from last night and it's like my emotions don't exist entirely if that makes sense it's like a complete dissociation from the world around me and it's a very empty feeling and very numb but I can't say I'm a big fan of suddenly not caring about anybody or anything suddenly out of the blue and not being able to control it.

does any one feel this? i am a college student in a difficult roommate situation where i am feeling a lot of anxiety from that, which is not helping me coupled with school stress and testing requirements and a lack of social life from the pandemic. I feel sick sometimes, which makes me eat smaller portions, but that gives me headaches and then when i try to eat again, i feel like food tastes like paste and powder where I can't eat more. i have no idea how to get out of this stupid loop. i am so lonely it hurts.

Hi guys! Anyone else here have 'quiet anger'? I would describe it as boiling anger,but not to the point where the water is overfilling and spilling everywhere. i just sit here,bubbling over a very minor inconvenience and isolate until i'm feeling better. this happens around three times a day and it is exhausting to feel life drain out of me and wait for it to slowly come back. It makes me feel so strange as well because i feel obligated to pick myself back up and continue like nothings happened, but it is as if I'm not equipped to just live. Any suggestions?

I’m not in the PNW so the heat wave won’t even affect me but just the whole heatwave and global warming and realizing this might be the new normal is absolutely causing me horrible anxiety. Anyone going through this too and/or have any advice? My thoughts and support go out to anyone affected by the heat wave as well.

Hello all, I'm feeling a bit stuck at the moment and just wanted to recount some of what's happened in my life to see what people may have to say about it. This is quite a long post. I know a lot of issues I have today stem from some early childhood trauma. For some background before I start, my mother's side grandparents were both psychiatric nurses at the same mental hospital and my Grandfather was the head nurse for many years. My grandparents divorced and each remarried long before I was born. My grandmother kept their house which also functioned as a halfway house for recovering patients and unfortunately remarried a man who ended up being abusive to her. The house was outfitted with a "pink room" in the basement for patients who might become violent during their stay there. The idea being that pink is a calming colour. She also had 25+ year long battle with cancer and was bedridden for the last few years of her life before dying in 2006. I'm 19 now, and in 2005 when I was 4 my mother sent me to stay with my Grandmother and step-Grandfather over the weekend. I ended up staying there for almost 2 weeks. I only have one memory from then which is of being locked in the pink room in the dark and seeing my step-Grandfather waving at me in the illuminated hallway through the one-way glass. Apparently after returning home I didn't speak for weeks and I had a busted lip and black eye. Despite always being a very energetic and outgoing child before this event, everyone in my family always notes that at around 4 I became very reserved and have been ever since. When I was first sent to school in Kindergarten I could not socialize with the other kids. I was evaluated and deemed developmentally delayed and was subsequently expelled from the school. They told my parents I needed to be in a special needs program. Spoiler alert: I am not developmentally delayed. My mother didn't believe them and I was homeschooled with the "unschooling" direction until Grade 10. No formal education of any kind, and pretty much no friends or socialization outside of my parents. Skipping many years, I relive being locked in that room very often. When I was sent to highschool I was completely unfamiliar with the environment, starting school in September I didn't meet anyone until January. Some cool dudes took me in and I'm still good friends with them. Amazingly rather, I am still good friends with them. I didn't go back to school for Grade 11, I got a girlfriend. I can't explain very much but she was manipulative, I was extremely angry throughout this relationship. It began May 2017 and ended in April 2019. The extent of my problem at this time led me to extreme outbursts of anger leading to violent self harm (slamming my head into tiled walls for example) and extreme insomnia. I went to a doctor and was prescribed Trazodone to help me sleep. The next little while is gone from my memory. I took it a few nights and then woke up 3 weeks later in the psych ward of my municipal hospital. Apparently I became extremely paranoid, psychotic, and suicidal. I was put on other medications, sedatives of some kind, while at the hospital for 5 days and became basically catatonic. Since then the idea of Panic Disorder came up, negative reactions to almost all medications is a not yet proven but proposed occasional effect coinciding with Panic Disorder. After this I have had an extreme fear of hospitals and Doctors. To the point of breaking down when I got a minor cut on my hand, terrified of stitches I obviously didn't need. My girlfriend ended up cheating on me with a close mutual friend who actually helped get us together in the first place. That sucked and still sucks. I didn't see my friends at all for over 2 years and basically got manipulated into thinking "well at least I'm alone with someone instead of alone by myself". I lived with her for almost the entire time we were together. Right now my issue can be summed up into a few parts: depression, panic attacks, visual hallucinations, occasional suicidal thoughts, fear that people don't like me, I can't be assed to find a job, I just smoke weed (thanks Canada) and browse YouTube all day. I don't know if the extent I'm not functioning really comes across. It's just constant terror and stress. I've used harder drugs a few times, and I can thankfully say firmly I do not want to do any again. Other things that have faded over time include Agoraphobia, a fear of eyes, and a fear that someone I know would kill me or I would have to kill them. I don't know how to end this. Any advice would be appreciated or questions. Anything at all, I just need to talk to someone without the fear of being hated.

I currently live with my mother who has schizophrenia and I can’t begin to know what she’s going through and I feel awful but she’s been off her meds for a while. Recently and still she keeps trying to sneak outside to leave when nobody is watching because she says the voices are telling her she’s not allowed to live here at home. Idk what to do and I don’t want her to be a danger to herself or anyone else. She’s been at the psychiatric ward here and just came back home last night but is continuing the same actions that led her there.

Does anyone else struggle with severe anxiety about going to the Dr? Even just for a general physical? What has helped you overcome this or cope with this?

I can't stop overthinking and analysing things I've done in the past, I can't stop worrying what other people think or tell about me. How to deal with it?

\- Playing music since 3 \- Successful in playing music, won lots of awards since 6 and played many concerts. \- Everything was normal in Primary School \- Attended highschool, got bullied till graduated such as money stolen, got beated up in the toilet and etc., got depressed \- Family's financial become worse \- Mom's got stroke. Recovered to about 60%. \- Dad became Bipolar and Abusive but not alcoholic. \- Managed to get to University, have to drop out due to bad grade and financial. \- Transferred to other university, barely survived with GPA 3.13 and need to take installment for each semester due to Family's financial. \- Planned to study aboard at Germany in Computer Engineer. Cancelled the embassy and University accepted due to family's financial. \- Got first job, good pay, not make it through probation and have to listen to bullshit thing HR and Manager told about me. Even though I was a newbie, I asked for guidance, got none. I was tasked to this and that, got it done. \- Worked at startup, at first was great, everyone is friendly. Later, reduced salary, no work, founder hated my guts and advices. Financially broke and need to rely on my family. \- Enrolled master degree in Computer Engineering. Have to drop out due to no money to sustain the next semester. Dream and Ambition crushed \- About to lose house since my dad couldn't pay for monthly installment. \- Got 3rd Job, everything is doing okay. Covid First Wave, got laid off after 7 months. \- Got 4th job (Work in hospital), Lost a house but managed to sell house before bank seized. Then I got burnt out due to overwork. \- Got a girlfriend, helping each other physically, mentally and financially. \- Dad became vegetable with dimentia with bipolar, stroke, diabete, high blood pressure. Currently taking care with mom. \- Barely survived every month due to personal's debt and house mortgage. \- Enrolled master degree (again). Currently studying (Got leftover money from selling old house and in my country, to get out of being in the bottom tier worker and get better pay, you need higher education to become specialist in some particular field.) \- Got to 5th job, barely survived due to how bad everything manage in the office. Half of stuffs in my team quits. 4 to 5 workloads on me. Exhausted, Depressed, Burnt out, Mentally Drained, soul being suck away everyday. 5 days work and weekend studied master. Got sometimes together to hangout with my girlfriend. At night taking care of bed ridden father and close-to-become-dimentia mother. Managing all the financial in the household. Left enough to just get mini mart food to eat with couple of dozen of proper meal and buy fuel for the car to work. Doing part-time as musician to get additional pocket money.

I’ve been experiencing lasting depression after being in a really bad situation. I can’t help but continue to think about everything all the time. In a short summary leaving out a lot of details. I lived with my boyfriend in a house with a lot of his old friends. And constantly his abusive ex girlfriend was around causing me specifically a lot of anxiety. Everything imploded when my boyfriend’s friends blamed him for them being evicted (they got in a fight with the landlord) and then at the height of all that his ex girlfriend started spreading lies about my boyfriend. She always started saying shit that I had said about her. Anyway no one was really mad at my boyfriend, just me. Somehow blaming what they don’t like about him now on me. I can say now that we are out of that situation and no longer talk to any of them. But I still struggle everyday thinking about it. And knowing there are people who hate me and think awful things about me. Even if I know they are wrong. (There are a lot of missing details a lot happened)

i’m considering reaching out for help but i’m afraid they won’t even listen to me because i have autism and am getting tested for adhd. i’ve been doing research on bpd for over a year at this point and i relate to everything and it’s a little concerning,,

i’m always guilt tripped for showing symptoms. no one thinks they’re symptoms of my anxiety and depression. it’s just me being an annoying brat. my behavior is just an inconvenience for everyone else so i should act right is what i’m told. i’m so useless and annoying to everyone. maybe someone would actually care if i jumped in front of a train. or mutilated my arms and legs. or ran away and never came back.

I don’t drink very often but I feel I have to in certain social situations in order to feel comfortable. However most of the time I do, it sends me into a completely awful depression/anxiety episode. It gets really bad the day after but usually last around a week. I have anxiety attacks, I have to ring hotlines, suicidal thoughts etc etc. I’m thinking about quitting alcohol for good. Has anyone been in a similar situation and successfully quit drinking?

So basically I was talking to a psychologist the other day and telling her everything, she says I meet the criteria for BPD (not an official diagnosis). But she and mum said it’s completely up to me if I want to get properly assessed and diagnosed. My mum is worried I’ll regret having this diagnosis later in the future as it’ll always be on my medical record? I’m not sure if that’s true but that’s what my mum said. And I already have so many other diagnosis including autism and OCD. So does anyone know the benefit of getting diagnosed with BPD? Like would I be able to get better help?

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Let's say a little bit of a distorted truth, after all it seems everything came from a person got bpd was distorted. The core of existentialism is that there are some beings that exist without reason or understandable logic -- what matters is how they are felt, and the meaning of life is how u feel the things. Unfortunately, the long evolution of humans seems to have taken aggressive instincts to a whole new level, in a variety of forms. In this sense, Freud was right -- the life instinct and the death instinct are bound to organic life, which is called "fate". For only this "destiny" is the origin of everything, and is not influenced by idealists and believers. Fate in its purest form -- the fact that one is doomed to die. People, then, seem to get meanings by balancing the instincts of life and death. For example, people recognize problems when they are not going well. So people are going to play around with this problem very cleverly. The aggressive instinct -- the instinct to point out the problem -- eliminates/avoids the problem. But even if you want to recognize the problem, you have to point out the problem firstly. That is, the individual recognizes that this is a problem. After that, both the life instinct and the death instinct are necessary if you want to solve the problem. At its core is balance.Feeling abstract? Let me give you an example. When a person is being dominated by hunger, feeling hungry becomes a "problem", and the person will be attracting to eat -- to eliminate the hunger -- solve/eliminate the problem. Are the concepts too cluttered? Yes, eating is an aggressive instinct -- the death instinct, while satisfying hunger results in a survival instinct -- the life instinct. So at a glance, people are really complex beings. But at the end of the day, the question is, "What is this problem?" I think it's something like that. \--In an individual's cognition, in event B, where A is supposed to happen whereas something other than A happens, and not even A happens. In short, contrary to expectations. The problem is that the results are not what the individual expects. The reason I don't say "not what the individual wants" is that in this hollow and sterile world of the core, most people can't really recognize what they really want but coat themselves with false inorganic goo and drown the essence. It funny. When a man has a clear view of himself, he will have no "problem". What you really want. Is it because you've forgotten the nature of the "problem" What really makes you happy? The fundamental reason for doing anything, except the survival instinct, is based on one's own subjective will( according to Maslow's pyramid ) Study in order to take an exam, take an exam in order to go to a campus, went to a campus is one's want? Most of the time, I suppose, **what you want ≠ the expectation of unexperienced experience**. For example, I want to play games. Why? I know playing games brings me satisfaction, but I don't play PVP most of the time. Why? I know I'm aware of the fact that I may win as well as the awareness of that I can lose. Well, everyman feels not satisfaction but frustration when they lose -- which goes against the root of why I play games -- rejoicing from satisfactions brought, and therefore these negative emotions. So the presence of a negative emotion is just a signal to you that the "problem" is there, and as to what the problem is, it can be distorted based on the individual's specific emotions, but the core, and verifiable part of it, is that the experience I'm getting goes against the root of why I'm doing this.

I find posting on Reddit doesnt always help, but i have been away long enough that I know this post cant hurt. so here goes... my anxiety and stress levels have always been bad. since i turned 25 (i am 30 now). i started a masters then and developed psoraisis due to stress. that developed. it was initially just me going a little crazy (as in moody and weird) during intense studying periods. my friends all know me as super happy and joyful and go lucky so they just kinda let it go (thankfully). i entered the working work from 26 - 27 and i was alright. busy and excited to work. couple years later at 27/28 i went back to school and started getting really bad panic attacks. but this wasnt school related. this was all: your getting older now, what is next? - related. to the point i thought on a daily basis i was having a heart attack. it is shocking how hard it is to convince the mind the body will be OK, even though you have a particular experience so many times and made it back OK. i went into counselling (again), starting walking a shit ton (lost weight which was good) but also cried a lot. randomly. sometimes for no reason. i also started dating at this time and - oh boy - was it bad lol. every type of fuck boy, player, user, liar, cheat etc etc you can think of - i dated them. or at least spoke to them. knocked me down a LOT. then came lockdown. my lockdown began with a significant heartbreak. so i spent the first 2 months of lockdown sent home from school (i was abroad) and heartbroken. i barely noticed the world was shut down. once i got over it (2 solid months in my room painting and listening to sad music lol), i began to walk, counselling again and began to feel a bit normal again. in a weird way, for my anxiety lock down was a good thing because the whole world was still. it was stagnant. there was no pressure to DO anything or BE anyone because NO ONE was moving. but then lockdown ended. and you started hearing but lockdown couples, marriages and babies. people starting new careers, losing a shit ton of weight and doing so much. but still, forward to 29/30 and post lockdown it was better. still there but more lingering than full on. like i mentioned, i had a lot of internal upset in life because everyone around me had these great careers, relationships, marriage, kids etc. i was finding it hard to be happy for people. i had so many toxic relationships in my life. i had no boundaries with anyone on anything. i realised comparion was killing me. i even stopped using reddit because i got addicted to strangers giving me advice (reddit can be toxic sometimes). i was still dating (on and off) to this point. still very bad experiences. had one very bad 6 month situationship with someone i knew for 15+ years which took me almost a year to get over (very recently did so). simultaneous to all of this, i started getting so much pressure to find a man, get married and all. this still all happens now. its very hard to deal with. and its not like i can block it out, its family and all. all i can do is ignore them. but there are some positives: i built boundaries. i started being more assertive about needing alone time (i live with my family), realised what i did and did not like in dating (stop talking to fuck boys unless you know...), then stopped having casual flings altogether (nothing wrong with this if you do it, but it wasnt working for me mentally). cut off a LOT of toxic people, got a great job and really honed into some great hobbies and things. and now we come today: outside of work, working out, hobbies and friends (which sounds like a very busy life, which it totally can be) i dont feel content. i dont really feel anything sometimes. life feels so....mundane. and stagnant. and boring? maybe boring is too harsh...it just feels like this is everyday? almost the same day, everyday? dating has really, really, really taken a huge hit on me. confidence wise (not in terms of who i am or what i look like, more that no matter what i do it seems i will be lied to/played/used etc. as if i am not worth being honest to). trust wise (i cant trust anyone anymore) and timeline/comparison wise. i feel like all the guys i speak to move sooooo slow and all these amazing stories of guys who wine and dine girls non stop for weeks on end, then people falling in love and marrying in just a year or a few months or whatever, make me feel like something im doing must be wrong. i barely get a decent coffee date with most guys lol. these days, i am really struggling. i feel like the stresses and hurt i've experienced dating has knocked me so hard that now if i speak to anyone its like i am looking for a problem. i make it awkward. its as if i want to ruin it before i can be disappointed again. i am also so impatient. i dont want to go through days and days for intro conversation. i just want to find someone to meet and go out with all the time, like right now! then all of this progresses into anxiety...i overthink, overstress, overshare and overact. i project these negative vibes on the guy im talking to then worry for days on end about replies and whatever it is. its like - logically - i know my anxiety is NOT actually linked to these men. but because i dont know where else to put it (and dating has historically been so bad for me), i link it ALL to them and then i get the above problems. then this seeps into my working life (im trying this whilst im suppose to be working for example lol)...and when im with friends i am distant and not really there mentally. or if i am with them, i feel like all i do is complain/vent etc. i feel like a loser. like dont i have anything good to report for once? i am so sick and tired of anxiety taking over my life. i work, i have hobbies, i work out, i have friends and family. i do all the things one should do to keep distracted and engaged throughout the day. but once night time hits, or something small happens to trigger me - i am all gone mentally. i feel so drained. my thoughts have drained me. my stress, my overthinking...all of it. i feel drained and burnt out mentally. i want to start counselling again soon but i just cant afford it. and any free resource has waiting lists up the wazoo. i am tired, man. i just want peace. i dont even wish for happiness anymore, i just want peace in my mind and to feel content enough with life.

For context. I (22y/o M) live with my wife 23y/o F) and two children (3 and 1) we live in an apartment that is rather large actually. But I’m having trouble just doing basic tasks anymore. Dirty dishes pile up, laundry doesn’t ever get completely done. My wife and I work complete opposite work schedules and one of us is always solo caring for our children, so keeping the kids toys and books 100% picked up is a joke. I try to get what I can done but I never live in a fully clean house. It’s not a disaster near the point where my kids aren’t safe but even tasks like taking out the trash I have to get family to come help me every 2-3 days just to get trash out. I cry almost every-night just thinking about how my house is. I have maybe an hour each day if that to myself I know I could use for extra cleaning but a hobby I enjoy is video games. So normally that takes my 45min-1 hour each day. I have such little drive to get things done but I know it needs to. This is so embarrassing to write but I need help. Just some tips or how to manage all of this. There is so much clutter. I never know where anything is and my wife moves stuff around and throws out a lot of my sentamental items all the time (I.e. photos tools etc.) then the kids moving stuff around I just can’t do it all…

Does anyone have any tips for what to do when your appetite completely flat lines? I don't like to use the word starving as it's seems catastrophic, but I genuinely feel like I'm starving. It's been weeks of barely eating, some days I eat nothing at all. I've tried little and often but I just forget and I feel nauseous even trying to stomach small things. I'm really concerned.

Hey all, I’m new to Reddit and this community. I (F23) was diagnosed with BPD earlier this year and it makes a lot of sense. However I can’t help but feel like I have far more yesterdays than tomorrows. Every time I “recover” from a suicidal ideation episode (once or that lasts days/weeks) it’s just barely enough to get me from not *actively* wanting to unalive. It’s like my whole life is just about scraping by until the next crisis I have, which all feel major every time. I guess what this post is about is, is there literally any hope? I heard somewhere (haven’t researched to clarify) how the lifespan for this illness is 27. I will accept any and all answers, but please no sugarcoating. I fear for major events in the future that I know I will have to endure if I stay (death of parents eventually, death of my dog who is everything to me, and death of myself, etc.). Is there anything that’s worth it about living *actually*? I’m sorry for the long post. I’m struggling horribly. Thank you all.

has anyone with bpd gotten a cosmetic procedure. I'm getting rhinoplasty may 27 and im just so worried it will make things so much harder, its valid i can include photos if needed. already paid for thank you

cant think straight so stressed constant questions and loud noise i am shutting down and broke my streak of no smashing head into wall shaking and drowning

I'm in the midst of a bad depressive episode. I'm not in school, and I sleep most of the day or scroll on my phone. I really don't move much besides walking the dog occasionally or running an errand. My body has definitely become de-conditioned and more weak because of this, and I'm starting to develop this fear that I'll always be exhausted, my heart will always pound when I walk just a flight of stairs, and I'll never be able to be active the way I was before. I know realistically if I take small steps towards moving my body more I will probably be fine and go back to how I was before, but I still can't shake this worry. Does anyone have encouragements or advice, or has anyone been in a similar situation?

so yikes. i’m 20 and just got out of a looongterm relationship (from highschool) and had my first ever hookup w another person this past week. can I just say… dating culture is really difficult to navigate!!! there are a LOT of expectations, especially as a girl. anyways, I felt comfortable enough with this guy enough to have him to my place, and things escalated pretty quickly. he ended up leaving because I had work in the AM but this morning I had to call in and go in late, as I was having a pretty bad anxiety relapse: crying, throwing up, shaking. I did everything right; used protection, I knew the guy beforehand, and I’m a good 5 months out of the breakup. and yet… my anxiety just still won’t let me have fun like a normal 20-year-old girl in college. does this mean I just can’t have casual sex with people ever again without breaking down the next day? I just feel so stupid and used, and now I’m afraid the next guy I hang out with is going to be disappointed if I don’t put out. like what kind of bullshit is that? TLDR; the anxiety makes the transition into being a single, dating woman much much worse, unfortunately.

i keep having these thoughts where i irrationally suspect everyone including my closest friends just genuinely hate me, as if it’s impossible for me to be loved hm i already have sexually intrusive thoughts about family members, friends, strangers, etc but i was wondering if this is also intrusive thinking

I have felt so, so alone.. but I cancel plans with anyone new, they’re pretty decent people too but I can’t seem to get myself to get up and get out.. I’ve just been rotting in my room.. in a constant battle of wanting human interaction but also turning it away.. God.. why am I like this

I have anticipatory anxiety.

I started to take Lithium 2 months ago and finally I feel like a normal human being, although I still have manic tendencies nowadays, such as abusing substances like alcohol etc. I cannot sleep well and I cannot eat. It's something I need to get help about. But tbh I am thankful that I am nowhere like my past self. For 4 years at least (the time period which I was medicated with antipsychotics), I looked like a normal, silent person from outside. But inside, I didn't know who I was. I was constantly getting signs from the God, occasionally changing the universes. Seeing, hearing, smelling and touching hallucinations all at the same time. This would happen until I get a major break, then my brain would kinda acts like normal for 1 week and then it would happen again. I was also alone, was in the verge of being homeless at some point, fighting with my own traumas all by myself and some things also. There was no one who would understand that I had to psychward. My psychiatrist was like "well you see hallucinations, then we should increase the dose" then the hallucinations would increase even more + lots of side effects. When I stopped antipsychotics, I would be more like an ordinary bipolar but little or no internal torture and delusions. I wish there was someone who actually helped me. That years traumatised me. Now I feel like myself, which I didn't do for 6 years or something. But those years were lost. Now I am medicated with Lamictal and Lithium. Thanks Lithium for giving me peace and making me function in my social life. And my diagnosis was bipolar before, they just thought that I didn't need mood stabilizer since Seroquel does the job.

Hello! I'm after some advice, please! Thanks in advance for taking the time to read. A bit of background: She's always like alcohol and always drank quite a lot when I was growing up. We've always had a rocky relationship but we kind of get on with each other most of the time. I know of at least two occasions where she's tried to commit suicide - once when I was about five years old and again when I was fourteen. I wasn't living with her at the time and didn't find this out until I was much older. I've always been aware that she has issues (with what I thought was just depression and anxiety) and put it partly down to her abusive childhood but since she had to have her horse put down about five years ago, she is drinking a lot every day. She is verbally abusive to my step-dad and says really hurtful things to me and it has gotten to a point where I actually can't stand to be around her. So, fast forward to Christmas just gone. I was talking about someone else having just been diagnosed with BPD (a friend that she doesn't know) and her exact words were "Oh, I have that. I psychiatrist told me years ago. Whatever that means." For me, I was shocked (though I hid it) but it was also like she was telling me something I had always known and suddenly everything made sense! I knew quite a bit about BPD because I suspect I have it - but that's beside the point. I think I need to talk to her about it. I'm assuming she was diagnosed after one of her suicide attempts as she doesn't have/has never had any type of therapy. I'm also blown away by the fact that no one has sat her down and talked to her about it. I'm not sure what to do. I know for a fact she won't just go to a doctor but I'm a little worried that if I sit down with her and talk her through what BPD is (the very basics at least) it might bring up some bad stuff? On the other hand, it might be a relief to her if she knows there's a reason for it. Do you guys have any thoughts on this? Edit: Typos

I came to this realization after talking with a friend. The only people who genuinely care and will make sure you don’t do it are the very same people that want to do it themselves. I guess it makes sense, since we know what we’re all going through, but it’s fucked up that the best support we can get is from people going through the same thing. You can’t talk to a therapist or anyone else how you feel, otherwise they’ll just send you to a hospital. This system is messed up. It’s just ironic I guess that we’ll all do everything to stop each other from doing it, but give up on ourselves because it’s hopeless. This probably doesn’t even make that much sense, I’m just randomly rambling on at this point to get thoughts on a page.

How do I stop my inbox from filling up because I am too anxious to answer any of them? I know it sounds like a stupid thing to be stressed about but with online everything nowadays, my anxiety with emails is debilitating.

Please I need someone other than my family to talk to

The TLDR: I met someone and connected with him instantly and was obsessed. He warned me he's kinda shitty about communication and will pull away for a long time. He did that and it wrecked me. We went from daily, hour long calls and FaceTime to him not answering my texts. He lives across the country from me. It sucked so bad that I decided to have my meds upped because I processed it so poorly. The update: he was in town for two days and it was magical and I was so happy and calm and content. He is exactly who he was on FaceTime and I still have feelings (it sucks). He was extremely affectionate in both word and action and at the end of our time together he was like "I miss you already". He is just a normal man and it felt like we'd been hanging together every day for months. He said he never stopped thinking about me but doesn't want a relationship. He remembers every detail of everything I've shared with him. It's been less than 12 hours and he's back to not texting. Im determined to just enjoy what happened and know that's all it was but I can feel myself unraveling at the edges. The good news im trying to take from this is that there are people like him that exist in the world that im attracted to and im not unlovable but yah, the 2 straight days to nothing is hard. The end

when he goes to therapy i just cant handle it. it feels like his therapist is more important than me. i cant even talk about how it went with him because i break down and sob like a baby. it’s so toxic because it makes him feel like he should only talk to me. i feel like i reverse the progress he made. does anyone else feel this way? i just dont wanna be the only one. :(

My life is literally over. I lived my life I feel like. I’m suffering everyday it’s not even funny. My existence has become a joke. Hearing loss and tinnitus, then my toxic family leaving me and not giving a shit about me. My mental health is so bad I simply CANNOT explain it in text. I’m alone all day, my anxiety has been through the roof, it’s very painful. My bed is so uncomfortable it’s messing up my posture. I want to overdose. This is it, i can’t take it anymore I can’t

I was never quite abused by anyone because of their alcohol use, though it still gives me so much anxiety when people around me drink. I was around drunk people a little bit growing up, but not family. I think that with my mom being Bipolar and sometimes when manic acts kind of crazy drunk that reminds me. I’ve always kind of been like this, but it got worse when my sister drank a little alone when she was sad. One night she drank half a bottle of vodka and then threw up in her boyfriends car. We took her to the ER (mostly because my mom has irrigation all anxiety) and it was pretty scary. Whenever I see my dad drink small things of it or my sister I get anxious and they tell me it’s not a big deal. I also hate babysitting my friends when they get drunk. I hate it when people aren’t really there and I have to feel responsible for them when they are perfectly grown adults. I’ve never drank, maybe I just don’t get it or whatever, but it pisses me off and freaks me out.

I have had depression with varying severity over the past few decades. I’ve seen therapists, I am one actually. I’ve been on medication. I’ve always felt like a burden and failure no matter what may actually disprove that in my life (doing well at work for example). Failed relationships and struggles with money and being consistently financial independent have been the common theme. Work is hectic and I’m finding I dread it. I hate waking up. I have no energy. I was finally able to become independent enough that I could move and work elsewhere. The past decade I’ve had a dog and when this opportunity came up my family said they could take care of her so I could move on. I was just informed that my family changed their mind about taking her and I’m stuck because I truly can’t take her now. I’ve tried friends, family, adoption websites and shelters with no luck. I found one place but they will most likely put her down because of lack of space and what kind of dog she is. The guilt is eating me alive. To know that she has gone from relaxing in the backyard to going to a metal crate scared and not understanding where her family is. The possibility she could die. I haven’t slept or eaten. I feel like this is unforgivable. I would definitely be the piece of shit I always thought I was. I don’t know what to do but I don’t really have any other choice. I don’t know how to live with this.

im an insomniac 17M. i need drugs but the psychiyatr insisting on not giving me any sleeping pill. bc they apperently think that i would abuse it. what can i do

This goes for either the one diagnosed, or the one with the significant other that was diagnosed. I ask that because I (39m) having been finally offically diagnosed and being treated after years of misdiagnosis, now self sabatage any attempts by women at starting anything with me. This is out of fear of the damn relationship ups and downs with BPD involved . Or if I start getting interested in someone, I do everthing in my power within myself to kill those thoughts, wants, and desires, immediately. The reason I do this is out of fear of this bpd of being too much to overcome when it comes to a stable relationship. Maybe I am holding out that there is hope, regardless of the bad things that I watch, warning people to stay away bpd sufferers. I am currently seeking help though by the way. So how have you all managed to make it, and continue to be successful, however you may define successful?

Hi all, this is my first post here. I’m asking for advice because I’m unsure of what I should do. I (16NB) dropped out of high school in May due to well, anxiety. School made me so anxious it was incredibly hard to function normally, and anxiety attacks were a daily thing. After taking a few months to think, I regret doing this and I wanted to try going to school normally again. I thought about reaching out to my school counselor that I had before dropping out and I texted her last night. One thing I fear is that she might not do anything to help me. In the text I sent her, I explained that I wanted to try school again, but was still extremely anxious about it. I explained some of my bigger anxiety factors (The ones that are relevant to school) and asked if we could work together to make some adjustments if possible. I fear that she might not do anything for me because even when I was still in school, she never necessarily did anything, and almost never replied to my texts or emails. It’s not like she’s the only counselor, she’s one of 3-4 total. When she did reply, everything was “out of her hands” despite the fact that my anxiety was more out of my teachers’ hands more than anyone else. I really want to have a normal high school experience, and online schooling wasn’t working out for me, so I wanted to try physical school again. Also the fact that I have a twin brother that just started school physically a few days ago and I don’t want him to be alone. Is there anything I really can do? Would trying school again being this anxious be a bad idea? I really don’t know.

Tldr: Gf with borderline has trouble sleeping - nightmares, anxiety keeping her up, the whole gamut, which I understand are pretty common with BPD. Could any of you who can relate share your experiences and anything you've discovered that helps cope with this? Hey all. For background, I started dating a girl with BPD about 3 months ago. She's managing it incredibly well (fuck am I proud of her) but one thing that she still has a great deal of problems with is sleep. I understand that these are fairly common among people with BPD, but I'll describe what I know about hers specifically. It's hard for her to get to sleep in the first place - it's often to do with anxiety and/or an inability to stop thinking about things - and when she does the quality isn't great. The aspect I've noticed most with this is frequent nightmares. I'd say about 1/4 of the nights that I stay over I'll wake up to her talking in her sleep and covered in sweat, and far more often than this to her up and about because she couldn't get back to sleep after one has happened. It really takes a toll on her, particularly because she doesn't have conscious control over it and it leaves her feeling at the mercy of her emotions. I was hoping that some of you who can relate - either from being in the situation personally or having a loved one experiencing similar problems - might be able to share their experiences and any strategies, habits, etc. which they've found helpful. It would mean a lot to better understand what she might be going through on a more idiosyncratic level, and of course anything she can implement or that I might be able to do for her would be gold in text form. Thanks!

i have to get a covid test tomorrow, and i’ve never been tested before. i have severe medical anxiety and emetophobia. i don’t care about being swabbed in the nose, most people say it’s okay, it’s just a little uncomfortable and makes your eyes water. i’m still anxious as hell but trying to tell myself it’s okay. it’s the throat swabbing. i gag and vomit pretty easily, and having emetophobia really does not help. i just don’t want it. i’ve been shaking and crying all night- i’m more anxious about the test than getting covid. i’m just absolutely terrified, and keep having panic attacks over it. the medical anxiety really doesn’t help at all, you know? for reference my medical anxiety is so bad i refuse to take medicine unless it’s prescribed to me and i HAVE to and i’m forced to. so yeah i guess you can imagine why this is really scary for me, even if it is a really simple thing :/

i think turmeric along with coffee is working for me alogia by 30% .

NOBODY cares that you are Bipolar. I want to make it clear that I am Bipolar and this shit has fucked up my life but please, no one has ever discriminated against me. IT'S NOT A DISEASE. It is not cancer.

I have been seriously struggling with my anxiety and panic attacks. I have have a benzo and beta blocker for situational anxiety and it has helped but I have general anxiety too and i won’t use them for that. A couple years ago, I tried a couple different antidepressants and eventually landed on Lexapro. It didn’t cause any start up side effects for me but I eventually started to experience mild sexual side effects. It was not too bad overall. I don’t remember why, but I decided to stop it after a year or so. Then a year after being med free, I realized that I function so much better being on it than off. I tried to get back on and I’m suddenly experiencing horrible start up side effects that I didn’t have the first time around. Has this happened to anyone else? Should I power through? Also, I’ve been reading a lot about permanent effects people have reported from these meds and am so scared. Is it possible to experience permanent sexual issues from taking the same medication that didn’t give me these issues the last time.

I feel like I'm such a weirdo with this and have been having this argument with myself on whether or not this is normal. I've been trying for an hour to type this as shortly as possible so I don't just word vomit, so I hope this makes sense. Long story short, my life is a dumpster fire right now. My relationship is in a sad state. It's made me feel hollow and unloved and unattractive. He's not outwardly mean anymore, but he just doesn't empathize with my emotions nor does he fulfill any of my needs nowadays. I take care of him and 8 animals bc he's unemployed and has been for months. I don't take care of myself and can't really afford to. I also just started school again for something I'm really passionate about (my work gives tuition reimbursement, thank God) and it's just all really stressful. I'm starved of meaningful interaction and don't get the love that I need and frankly deserve bc of how much shit I've been through in my life. And on top of it, I'm chronically ill. I've been trying to figure out if this is just me or a bpd thing or what, but I've found that I'm immersing myself into stuff like the Choices game/app and Webtoons. I've been spending I straight up don't have on these things lmao. I've been like falling in love with the characters I romance and imagining they're real. I read Webtoons to imagine that I receive that type of love. I just want to fill the void with these loving people who make me feel better about myself even though I'm fully aware they're literally not real. It just makes me feel better? Idk I think I'm just a weirdo, but I just feel so starved of these essential, basic things, you know? Looking at what I wrote, it make me feel so juvenile lol. I've had so many issues with attachment and abandonment and a lot of trauma surrounding these concepts. Anyone else though??

i am 30 and I am extremely shy and have a lot of social anxiety. I am scared to tell my coworkers that my brother lives in the US for fear they will google him. He lives in the same city as my companys headquarters in the US. He did a phd in his field and he would be easily searchable. Scared they will judge me and say he is rich for example because of where he works. He has a very top position in his field. I am also scared of them finding it weird of why i have not shared this with them before. I am also nervous of sharing with people the high school i went to as it is a private school. I am scared they will judge me as wealthy for havkng gone there. I feel really guilty of being more well off than my peers Does anyone have any help? How can i stop worrying so much what people think of me? I am seeing a therapist and i started taking medication. Any advice?

Ugh!! Why is this response like fingernails on the chalkboard of my anxiety? The difference of one little “I” can make or break my entire day.

Dear Internet, I am a 36-year-old unemployed male living with my 80+ year old Grandmother who still works. Last year I lost my life savings in a long-con, my stepfather, and divorced my wife. This is not mean’t to be a sob story, just seeking advice. **I want nothing more in my life** **but to..** * A) Have my Grandmother live without working and to financially support her fully * B) Have a job (remote, but beggars can’t be choosers) * C) Rent my own place. **I have...** * I have no degree. * A long history of contract writing along with experience in JavaScript, CSS, and HTML. * A current contract position similar to DoorDash. It's seasonal. I am not sure how to ask for help here. I contemplated writing this due to the potential backlash but I don’t care anymore, I am just trying. For awhile now, I’ve been unsure how to apply myself towards junior front-end development jobs or really be anybody that anybody wants. I’ve kept applying on and off and had two interviews within the span of 4 years. Two years ago I took a $10,000 bootcamp in San Francisco that assured job placement, and I’ve never felt dumber in my life. Apparently, my work was good and I have a portfolio. Recently, I was inspired by an old high school friend to keep applying to tech jobs and that I can do something. I have a few coding projects in the pipeline, some previous work to show, but am still piecing together the masterpieces. **In essence...** I am wondering if there is anybody I could talk to or have as a mentor to help place me on the right track to get a remote development job. I am willing to sign a legally binding contract that gives you a return on your investment (% of my paycheck each month for a year or more) if your help results in job placement. I am serious. This is my last shot.

I broke up with my partner/fp on an emotional knee jerk response to an argument we were having. i sent a message apologising and trying to take it back, and they read and didn't reply. i am not sending any more messages but my god i am in so much pain what do i do

does anyone know of any support groups kind of like AA but for people with BPD, etc? really struggling and need some sort of safety net of people to turn to that understand. i can't help but feel like im burdening anyone that doesn't have BPD as I feel like nobody truly understands and looks at me funny.

I'm at the point where I now have a few, what you would call, good friends when I didn't have any before in my life. I dropped out of college a while ago. I work but it's miserable and it doesn't get me enough money to move out of my toxic family's home. I'm fading away from my friends as they move forward with their lives and meet new people. Those around me getting into new romantic relationships. I've lost my appetite and started eating less. I'm spending a lot of my time re-teaching myself what it feels to be truly lonely since it's a familiar feeling. I live in my head mostly and dream of a better place. Gardens, sunshine and community, stuff like that. I've started to do some deep research into what it feels like to die and where people think we go afterwards. It was always my intention for 2021 to be my last year but it didn't work out timing wise and I'm still here. But I'm thinking that this may be my last summer. I know from past experience that opening up to people about my struggles goes well at first but in the end it drains people and does more harm than good to all people involved in the long run. I'd hate to continue to drag everyone down but I've come realize that it's just who I am. So as I find myself drifting away from, I guess, reality I ask myself, what should I do?

I have an issue with my only group of friends. I moved to another country and lost some of the best people I've ever met,and now they've been replaced with maybe the shittiest. I'm basically excluded from everything, when i first met them, i always went out when they asked me to, i was new in town and needed a social circle. But eventually, as they started to know me, they became less interested in me, i still went out with them, but i got ignored frequently and basically did nothing, just stood there. Then i started to hang out with other people, but they pressured me into cutting them off. Eventually me getting ignored was just the norm, and absolutely no one spoke to me, because of it i just stopped going out at all. And eventually they stopped asking me to. And now, i got left out from a birthday surprise for someone in the group, they claimed they just "forgot" to add me to the group. Not the first time something like this has happened, and it always ends the same. Them claiming they simply forgot, and that they weren't paying attention. Everytime I tell them how they make me feel, they try to argue about it, instead of going "my bad" they become super defensive and somehow make it my fault. And honestly having no one to talk to has made depressed. One of my best friends which i have to talk to virtually has fallen Ill, and has been hospitalized, she used to be the only person i could talk to but now I'm so afraid of what might happen to her and the possibility that if i loose her I'm going to be completely alone. I know that if i open up to them that they will say shit like "why don't you talk to us" when they don't even bother to listen to me talk about something that makes me happy, why on earth would they care about something that makes me sad. I'm just so lost if I'm making it a bigger deal than it actually is and that's why they think it's such light thing. They're great as individual people, and i do enjoy being friends with them, but i don't think they want to be friends with me.

My life has been a downward spiral since 2020, and I haven’t felt genuine happiness in God knows how many years. Such spiral doesn’t seem to be stopping either, thus making my existence more insufferable every single day. What the hell is wrong with everybody calling me “selfish” for wanting a well deserved way out?

tw: dissociation mentions hi, i’ve been suffering with anxiety ever since i was 6 and i just kinda needed to vent because im exhausted. essentially i have anxiety where i can hardly make it onto interstates and other busy roads without having a major panic episode. it’s honestly embarrassing to even have, since this anxiety is totally random. during an episode, i have the works: sweaty hands, heart palpitations, aching muscles, stomach cramps; essentially everything. it sucks too because i always think my asthma is going to get triggered while having an episode or have a seizure even though i have no history of epilepsy. i also have major dissociative ‘in and outs’ you could say, where sometimes life feels real and other times it doesn’t. what’s funny is i’ve never been in a car wreck or anything major, just a small little fender bender. yet this anxiety has gone on for almost 7 years with little signs of improvement. it’s been 2 medicines and a bunch of therapists later and i feel stuck with no signs of improvement (in my perspective anyways). i guess my fear of dissociating and losing’ my identity’ has really been hammered into my head lately, since my first ever dissociation episode in 2016. it sucks and i honestly feel stuck in this never ending loop. i want to drive and see my ldr boyfriend someday but it almost seems impossible at this point; i can’t even survive an hour car ride. i just wish i could feel normal and not so anxious.

I just got diagnosed with BPD last week. I’m 25 and, I was just wondering…. What do you guys think about abstaining from dating for right now? I feel like I have a lot of personal work and growth to do on my end, considering my recent diagnosis, and….idk, I just don’t know if dating is the right thing for me right now. Wouldn’t it be somewhat toxic to get into a relationship, with symptoms of BPD, and never even work through them with a counselor first? Or…could being in a relationship also help in someways, exposing the ugly parts of my personality, and help me to grow into the person I am meant to be. I do go to a therapist every Tuesday. So I got that checked. But, just trying to figure out if I should continue trying to peruse a relationship, or, if I should just take it easy for now, and really just focus on working on myself (mental health). Thoughts?

Hi all, I recently had an extremely stupid night where I got to drunk and messed up big time. I knew I was depressed but I never knew exactly how bad it’s gotten. I’m really on writing this so I can get it out to from my pov “a living person”. So please save your rude comments to yourself. I have been in a really shit relationship for 3 years, he has never put me first and has come and gone like i don’t even know what. I’ve just let it happen and let him treat me however because I loved him. So I got really drunk and he was stupid enough to bring our kids to where I was. They saw me drunk and now want absolutely nothing to do with me. I realize it is my fault for being so drunk and out of control, but he should have never brought our children to witness it. He now says basically I made my choice and he’s abandoning me. But the thing is- I get I messed up. Totally get it. But he has also messed up and gone crazy a couple times when he got to drunk. He decided to quit drinking because he got so out of control. I NEVER let our kids see it and I NEVER let him feel so alone after the incidents he had. But now that I was dumb and messed up - it’s just idk he wants nothing to do with it and doesn’t care if I have no one to talk to or lean on during this time. I feel SO alone. I’ve felt alone for the entire time I’ve been with him. Like he felt his first kid and his family were better then our kid and my family. I’ve never made our kid above his first child and That is just a whole other story. He had never treated me as an equal and I’m just so fed up. So today I changed my number without telling anyone. Family, friends, him. I just left him with one last text apologizing and changed my number. I was on medication for a while but have been off of it and now I want to disappear. Why is life like this? Does it get better? I basically have ghosted my fiance and entire life. And I don’t want to ever see anyone again because no one is ever there for me the way I have been for them. I am sick of being walked all over and used until there is nothing to use or gain. I think about moving to a town to start over because I hate this life so much I want a new one. Why is the man that I have never left or made feel alone- leaving me when I clearly need him or someone the most?

Last year I ended a nearly three year long relationship because its toxicity towards the end became unbearable and she wouldn’t take responsibility. I was diagnosed with BPD early last year, and I’m absolutely terrified of getting into any sort of personal relationship, even just a close friendship. I never let my emotional barriers down because I’ve been hurt so many times and I just fucking know that if I let someone in again they’re gonna use me and throw me away, but dammit I feel so goddamn alone right now. I have great friends but I’m too scared to talk to any of them. I want a therapist and to get my current meds adjusted but they either don’t return my calls or don’t take my insurance. My ex was the only person I’ve felt like i don’t have to be scared to open up to, but it feels like towards the end of our relationship she used my problems against me, and realizing she did that has made wanting to open up even harder. I fell in love with a girl at my school but she can’t ever fall back, through no fault of her own (she’s aro/ace). It’s taken me a while to accept that nothing will ever come of that but I’m mostly there, and treasure her deeply as a dear friend. I want someone to fill that spot my ex filled, someone I can just...be around. I want fucking companionship. We ended on the pretense of being friends, and so even though a lot of her toxic traits remain and even worsen, I still talk to her. I’m currently stuck in my hometown that makes me feel a million times more alone and miserable than usual, thank god I’m leaving in a few days. I know I need to learn to open up and allow the amazing friends I have (I cannot stress enough how much I love and appreciate my friends), I just don’t know how to let myself let them in without feeling like a burden. I’m terrified of letting myself date anyone, long term or casually, because it’s gone horribly the last two times I’ve ever done it (both times were relatively long term, the first one lasted a year, the last one lasted almost three, both became extremely toxic and looking back they both gaslit and manipulated me). I feel like I’m both not enough and too much for everyone around me. I just want to unconditionally be in love with someone and get some love back without fearing its inevitable collapse. Sorry this was so ranty and kinda incoherent. I’m just so tired. I did something I’ve been working on for a while and am proud of yesterday. I wish I could tell her about it without it hurting.

I've tried to get a better job and I've failed everytime. I ruin everyone's day. A big financial weight would be lifted off my parents shoulders if I weren't here. My boyfriend doesn't even love me anymore. The world is falling apart. I think it's becoming an increasingly more appealing option as the days go by.

I have autism but no one can tell from my look until i speak about it. when i met a girl and really like her i start to become addicted to her and give her all my love and care, somehow that makes them pull back and start ignoring me. It's really hard to suffer this for many years and end up being lonely forever each day i wake up without a girl by myside i feel like dying slowly and living my life with emotional abuse.

Where do people go when they die? Im scared it is going to be worse than this place.

Ok so I was diagnosed with bipolar 1 back in January I also have BPD, PTSD & Panic disorder after being diagnosed I went into a deep depression where instead of taking the meds I’ve been prescribed I binge drink everyday to numb myself ( basically 2 bottles of wine a day) it’s almost like I’m terrified of being on meds I don’t wanna feel like not myself or a zombie & I’ve been going to a outpatient program but I keep having to call out because everyday I wake up feeling like complete shit ( I wake with a panic attack or hungover every morning) I’m sure the alcohol is destroying my body. I’m still extremely depressed & my moods are a roller coaster. And I keep lying to the outpatient psychiatrist that I’m taking my meds but truth is I’m scared to start my meds and I can’t stop drinking SHOULD I JUST GO INTO A REAL REHAB INPATIENT PLACE?

Sorry if this is wrong sub. When a was young a had my leg amputated. I've been cheated on 3 times and it just got harder and harder. I don't know if it's satisfying a girl and inside it's killing me inside. I'm scared to tell my doc what the real reason is am depressed, he would just give me tablets. I hate being alone and it kills me now. I wish a could end it, but my mum just went through pregnancy its the only thing keeping me going is my wee bro. The only reason a feel alive is because hes here I'm sorry for spelling. Its been had for me to tell anyone

I only feel like I am myself when I am alone. When I am with others I easily sink into being more like them, which eventually I find upsetting. Some relationships are more troubling than others. I am thinking of a parent specifically who is very judgmental of other's bodies, and of course of their own. I can't be around this parent, it makes my ED so much worse. But the idea extends beyond that. I only feel like I am myself when I am alone.

I did it, after her last blow up, I blocked my online pwBPD forever! Every blow up involved threats of her blocking me or goading me to block her. During her last blow started with my pwBPD bragging about how wonderful her friendship with her other online friend is and how she and her BF want to visit and how much fun they're going to have and how much of a 'true' friend she was! I mentioned how happy I was for her (I'm sure she was trying to make me jealous and rethink taking a break). I merely suggested we take a break for a couple weeks, which turned into a long drawn out conversation that went on and on and on about her goading me to just block her. I said I could just block her on Messenger only while keeping FB unblocked. After negotiating for hours I just said, "The 2 week break starts now. I need to go to bed" and left the conversation there. When I woke up, I sorta missed her but then I thought about all the horrible things she's said and games she played and went for a permanent block. No more nearly all day texting (and her getting upset whenever I was out with friends or at work not responding quick enough). No more 6+ hour phone conversations (towards the end of our 'friendship', she'd get upset about how shorter our conversation were and goaded me to block her). I'm free!

To those who have been there, what are your thoughts on pros/cons of having two people with serious mental illness in a relationship together. Not talking about if one or both are off the rails. What if both are on meds, know their individual triggers, and have some insight into the disorder?

i’m F18 and today i got diagnosed with BPD which was a shock to hear but now i’ve researched about it and i have all the symptoms so i guess i understand the diagnosis. i’m feeling overwhelmed because now this means i have 7? mental disorders, bipolar and PTSD being the most prevalent, along with BPD now. i’m not sure how to comprehend it all.

It really helps with intrusive thoughts. I’ve been going to a Wim Hof breathing class and I am blown away by the positive effects. I have so much more mental clarity, and self control. It’s weird, I feel at peace for the first time in a long time. I’m truly grateful. It’s not a quick fix, but if you’re patient and consistent it can really improve almost every aspect of your life. 10/10 would recommend to anybody.

Curious what dose and frequency others have found beneficial? My doc told me to start with 100mg and increase as necessary. It’s rare to find a drug with such a huge therapeutic range. Seems like most are taking around 300mg 3x/day, but I have seen some taking up to 3000mg/day. Just took my first 100mg dose and feeling a bit loopy

My partner is struggling with depression and has been pushing me away. We have been together for several years, but this is the first major depressive episode he’s had since we met. I want to help any way that I can, but we don’t live together. How can I be supportive without making things worse?

My anxiety is getting out of control. I’ve spoke to the doctors and it seems like they couldn’t care less and that really puts me down as it takes me a lot of courage to call up the doctors. I’m really struggling with work and I don’t know how to tell them i’m going through a hard time without them being off about it.

I just came back after getting my vaccine, and I had to take a 0.5MG pill of Lorazepam to an hour before it to help calm the nerves. I am planning to treat myself with some beers tonight for getting through it, and I was wondering if it would be safe to drink it 8 hours after taking the Vaccine and Lorazepam? Thanks in advance.

I (44 f) have recently been diagnosed with BPD. I was diagnosed with depression in my early 20s but for a long time I have thought there has to be something more than “just” depression. In a way my BPD diagnosis was good because it justified that feeling. But after doing some reading of articles, books and forums I am feeling just as hopeless as before. I hate that life is a struggle. I hate that I have such poor control over my emotions and thoughts. I honestly feel like it just isn’t worth the effort to always have to battle my brain. I am pretty escalated at the moment because I react intensely to the slightest criticism and I overheard a conversation between family members which included a very slight criticism of me but it sent me over the edge. I am currently on leave from work because I had a mental health crisis and couldn’t be there without being in tears. Just thinking about returning to work fills me with dread and anxiety and makes me feel physically sick. I have been single for almost 18 years and haven’t been intimate with anyone in over 5 years. I am so lonely and can’t imagine how that will ever change. I hate the way I look, I hate being overweight but of course one of my ways to deal with my emotions is to binge eat. I am trying to get help but I’ve been to 2 GPs who have been dismissive of “this borderline personality thing” and want me to focus on eating carrots and going for walks (which is also difficult due to a chronic knee injury). I live in a rural area so it is very difficult to find a good doctor and even harder to see specialists. I did see a psychiatrist who diagnosed me but seems reluctant to provide ongoing care (his office is 3 hours away). Just before I wrote this I was driving and I had the strongest suicidal urges I’ve had in a long time. I was thinking for driving my car into a tree but I didn’t want anyone else to be hurt, so I guess it was un/lucky for me there was traffic around the whole trip. I’m sorry this post is so disjointed and rambling. I just need to get some of these thoughts out there. I want things to be better. I want my life to ok (not even good, just not hard all the time). I just don’t think it’s ever going to happen. Thanks for reading. I’m going to go (over)eat now and resume the self-loathing on a full stomach later.

My anxiety has been under control for the most part for the past 6 months, especially regarding my SO. But last night I had an anxious episode and she wanted me to be transparent about what was going through my mind. I was… and as with anxiety it made me sound crazy and obsessive. I’m worried I didn’t articulate myself properly, but how are you supposed to explain the illogical mess that is anxiety? What’s worse is I wanted to use this as a catalyst to schedule a therapy appointment, but there are only 2-3 within my area covered by my insurance (Thanks America). Just wanted to vent. I hope everyone is having a good day.

Ok I am 15F, for a little backround, for the past few days I’ve had this fear of becoming a pedophile. I think I might have OCD because over the past few months I’ve had fears and intrusive thoughts of becoming many things like gay, a killer, etc. because of intrusive thoughts, despite never having the desire for the same sex and NEVER wanting to kill. The intrusive thoughts have lessened but the fears are still happening. And I have these compulsions I feel like I have to do to soothe it like searching up stories of pedos and making sure my story is different than theres, or looking up a photo of a kid and making sure I don’t get any reaction out of it which thankfully I don’t, but my fear only gets worse and it’s so frustrating. I ended up not being gay or a killer, but at the time it felt so real and scary. So i think I’m not a pedophile right now, I wasn’t before. The thought of children in that way makes me sick, but it have a huge fear of becoming a pedophile, or secretly already being one. So today I just remembered this like, ok this is embarassing to say but whatever, a “kink” I guess of sorts or something. It was ALWAYS about adults or older teenagers like 16-18, never kids or anyone younger than me ew. But it was basically like idk how to explain it but where the person like Didnt know about sex/pleasure down there and stuff and the other person like showed them but I never thought of it in a way with a child because that’s just abuse and children can’t consent to that stuff anyway. It was always with an adult, like sort of like that Wonder Woman (it might’ve been someone else) movie where her kind didn’t need sex to reproduce so as an adult she didn’t understand that I think, or like an adult who just was never interested in that stuff until then idk. And the “innocent” person ALWAYS consented and wanted to do it, it was just where like they were new to sexual things. And I didn’t see a problem with that then, but now that I’ve got POCD I’m terrified I’m secretly a pedophile OR I’m going to turn into a pedophile because of it. There is a big difference that sort of helps calm me down remembering. Whenever I imagined those scenarios, it was always with a CONESNTING adult, but with children they can’t consent and I would NEVER get excited by something that isn’t consenting so that helped calm me down. But still, I’m terrified and I don’t know what to do I’m so so scared, I can’t handle the fear of possibly turning into a pedophile because of this, is female castration possible? I mean I would like to have a sex life with a future ADULT partner, but if I become a danger to society I can’t. I’m scared this makes me a pedophile because in a way that’s how children are and ew I just I’m scared and don’t know what to do. Like I am very uncomfortable by the thought of children like that and only ever thought of them in a maternal way (I really want to have kids when I’m older), or in a way where they were annoying little sticky humans. But I’m scared out of my mind that I’ll turn into a pedo and if I do I’m ending it because I couldn’t live with that.

CW: mentions of suicide, self harm, alcoholism. I’ve (20F) been with my boyfriend (20M) for a year and a half now and like most relationships I’ve had it’s been stormy but we love eachother very much. I’ve had BPD as long as he’s known me but I’m starting to think he has it too. He gets uncontrollably angry sometimes and then an hour later he’s okay and regrets it. He can be really controlling over me but I don’t really care that much because he’s my FP and sometimes I can be too. He has talked about wanting to die two specific times when we were in an argument and he was overwhelmed and then he turns around and no longer wants to once the issue is resolved. I don’t believe he does but he may truly have these feelings sometimes. I’m not upset about it because I too feel that way often during the heat of extreme emotions that I can’t escape. For men ok here with BPD, how did you know? What are your symptoms? As a female I am a bit over reactive sometimes and pretty damn emotional and when I get mad I get MAD. All emotions are just more dramatic and it seems to be the case with my bub as well. I’m worried about him and I think he should get a diagnosis and maybe seek DBT because he doesn’t want to take meds like I do. (If I forget or don’t have them on me just one day I go off the deep end and experience serious side effects). I love him very much and just want him to feel better and after living with this condition since 2 months before I turned 18 I know how difficult it really is. He says he believes it could be a possibility but he isn’t fully sure. His mother (like my mother) is bipolar and both of us have been abandoned by our fathers (his left the country and mine died of sewercide) I want to help as best as I can but I’m honestly really overwhelmed. I’m a recovering alcoholic and I’m dealing with legal issues as a consequence of my alcoholism. I also struggle with self harm and some serious splitting on people around me. He isn’t an addict in any sense but me and him both know something is wrong and strongly affecting him. He splits on me sometimes as well and feels things very intensely. More intense than most. Please let me know boys. And what helps you the best? What do you need from your partner.? What should I do from here on out? Any suggestions help. This is my partner and I’m not going to leave him just because he is struggling so don’t bother suggesting that. I want to help and I know Bpd can be different between the genders. Let me know. And women/men who have male partners with this disorder, How do you help them? Any suggestions would help ( except of course just ditching him in this really hard time. That is not an option for me and will not be. )

i noticed that i sometimes have different State of mind. and sometimes feel like someone else took over my mind or body or feel like drugged up. idk how to describe properly. sorry if this is nonsenseful written, my mind is not working well rn

My ex wasn’t a bad person per se, but he didn’t treat me the way I needed to be treated. He got used to me and he got bored. When things started getting bad he started getting lazy. I wasn’t perfect either the relationship went bad, now I’m stuck in this position where I can only see the good. I can remember what it felt like to be loved by him and I miss him so much. What can I do to see clearly... we weren’t good for each other but I can’t see that from where I’m at.

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I have adhd, severe anxiety every few months bordering attacks, and intense depression that I don't get out of my room for weeks. I've spent half my life unemployed because minimum wage jobs made me more depressed. Today, I finished my first day of hair school after learning it for 3 months without any certification to work towards an official license. At 28, I'm super excited to have a steady job that pays double minimum wage eventually!! 🎉

With depression , anxiety and adhd my appartement is in a horrible state, there is cardboard box and stuff everywhere, you can barely move around in there. At midnight firefighterd knocked on my door because they were looking for what they thought was a gas leak ( it wasn't) and they checked every appartement. I had a panic attack. Not just because of the possibility of being poisoned by gas, but because I was so ashamed for somedody to see my appartement. I need to get my shit together . They left an hour ago and I still can't calm down .

So im a fan of these youtubers (who have a very healthy relationship, no bpd involved) and i was just analyzing them as if it were my own. And i do this a LOT. one of them is very messy and chaotic, while one of them is very reserved and a neat freak. it’s a little thing to where they were both having breakfast and one of them was being a tad sloppier than the other. and i thought to myself “wow, i hope she doesn’t leave her partner because she’s messy” like it was a fear as if it were my own relationship. because i’d probably have that fear in my own relationship, and i’d make myself less “sloppy” so that my partner didn’t think badly of me. another time, my cousin and her girlfriend have been dating FOREVER. one of them is very clingy and always needs attention. when i see them together i’m like “oh wow i hope she doesn’t leave her because she finds her clinginess annoying” which in a healthy relationship that probably doesn’t even cross their mind, but that would literally drive me insane if it were my own relationship.

so my dr put me on zoloft like 8 months ago maybe, started at 25mg now im at 200mg. im barely 100 pounds n this seems like way too high of a dose. ive been telling the dr it doesnt work n he keeps upping the dose and trying to add different medications. i've been on 200mg for like a month and a half n its sooooo bad. way more panic attacks than usual, constant heart palpitations, depression symptoms, etc. last time i saw my dr was 2 months ago, my next appointment with him is tmrw, like that seems way too long of a time without an appointment when he's increasing my dose?? i've been needing this appointment for the past month cuz this shit is not treating me well. im absolutely telling him i need to go off of it tmrw. im just pissed off, like is this normal dr behaviour cuz it feels irresponsible to me. writing this super stream of consciousness so hope its not too bad to read.

Every time I try to get freedom from him he tells me he is dying so I’ll won’t leave and forgive him. I think sometimes he genuinely thinks he is dying but other times it’s not. I’m severely depressed and have never lived on my own bc. Every time I try to move out or own my parents take my house keys or tell me I can never come back or call me abusive and blame me for why we have a bad relationship. My dad constantly doesn’t listen to me and I try to be nice to my step family but they think he is so amazing even though he’s been emotionally and financially abusive to me my entire life..He has never been to physically abusive towards me but he has to my brother and it’s hard to love him because of that. I feel like can’t breathe because I have had depression and su ideation since I was 7 it’s been about 15 years. Because I raise my voice and curse when I’m cornered do I deserve this or am I valid? I feel like I’ve lost control over emotions and am very reactive. A couple months earlier he financially manipulated me so it would hurt my mom I don’t even know where to begin to heal from that. I just lay in bed trying to reason why my divorced parents would manipulate and emotionally abuse me to hurt each other through me. I feel like I hurt people with my existence since they have done that. I’m angry hurt but feel like I’m in emotional agony each day. I even got dumped by my therapist for being too depressed.I have no idea where to go.

My boyfriend loves to say he fully understands my BPD and will support me through it the best he can. One of my triggers I have is sudden plan changes, it gets me really upset and angry even if these plans do get fixed and back to normal im still stressed about it for a while after. He knows that mood swings that change rapidly are a big part of what I struggle with so I whenever I seem to experience these mood swings my boyfriend always says stuff like "calm down" and "you literally have nothing to be stressed about" or start getting annoyed back at me for being upset. It makes me feel alot worse and invalidated and I don't understand why he thinks saying stuff like that would help.

For example, I broke my glasses and lost my ID ~3 months ago and I just dread going to the DMV/eye doctor. I know these simple tasks are things that I NEED to do in order to fully function in society, but I just get anxious when I think about doing stuff like this. Does anyone else struggle with anxiety over simple tasks? Has anyone learned any strategies to overcome this anxiety/dread?

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Does anyone know if it’s common/ easy for narcissists to prey on people with BPD? If so, please share?

Does anybody else have episodes of feeling a million motions all at once and feeling like you or your brain is gonna explode? An hour ago this sent me into a spiral of crying and freaking out and urges to do some not so good coping skills. But was wondering if anybody else w bpd experiences this as well?

Hi. ​ there's no easy way to say it. This time next month, I'll be dead. This is a choice that I have made after thinking about it for two years. on the 16th of December I'll end my life. This isn't a cry for help. This isn't a spur of the moment choice or a choice, this was something that I have gone over and over in my head and with various people. I don't want to be here anymore. I've felt this way for such a long time, its something that I've been struggling with for years at this point; But I've always been too scared to act, too scared to actually go through with it. I feel like I'm ready now. ​ the thing is, I've gone through every kind of treatment, counseling and therapy that I had access to. I've tried every possible fix to stop feeling this way, its gotten to the point where I feel confident in saying I've done everything I could have to try and find a way to stop feeling this way and nothing has worked. I feel like there's no other way out of this mess. And also, I don't see the point in living if I don't want to be here. If everything is pointing to me being dead better than being here then why should I be here? I don't know. And its not like I haven't kept quiet about this. I've been vocal about my choice, the weirdest part is that everybody seems okay with it.. which I think is odd, but I'm glad its this way. I think they also know that things will be better with me dead, which is good, I think its good anyway. ​ I'll stop writing for now. I don't know if I'll post again before I do it, I don't know. I feel ready for this. I'm sorry everybody.