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Kanakmi

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mental-disorders

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I have been battling a cold for the past week and a half. I got my Moderna booster shot a few weeks ago, and tested negative for COVID. I am feeling better and almost wished it "was" a mild case of COVID. I do not get along with my mom and dread this Thanksgiving because I have to go over there for dinner. I am a female almost 50 years old. I am politically right of center, totally agree that K/R acted in self defense, voted for Trump twice. I don't believe in QAnon or anything like that and think it is better you do get vaccinated, but don't judge those who choose not to. I also have depression, social anxiety disorder, panic attacks, and aspergers. I am not happy that my psychiatrist took my off of Lorazapam as that was helping to put me on a mood stablizer. I don't feel that the new med is working. My mom is ultra left politically, and very judgmental. She would argue about something, along with my stepdad sometimes, judge me for the kind of work I do, that I am not the best at budgeting, and for any mistakes I make at communication, like accidentally talking out of turn. She would repeatedly tell me I am irrational if I am worried about something, and yell, he/she was talking if I accidentally talk out of turn. If I apologize, she yells again for me talking out of turn. A lot of times, years before COVID, I would have to sit at the table when we were done eating and not be part of any conversation. That makes me very uncomfortable, and I feel like, what is the point of me being here. Also, she keeps reminding me I have this disorder. I get along with my Dad alright, but he lives further, and my stepmom is ultra religious. I am not sure if she is QAnon, but she is the type who would say the reason for our bad economy is because of abortion. That is her #1 issue that is wrong with the world. I don't agree with that 100%, but she thinks that prayer solves everything which I don't agree with either. Plus, she works and is a very busy woman which is fine, but sometimes when I do holidays over there, it can be disorganized. I get along with my Dad's side for the most part, but it is hard to do a schedule with them due to work and getting everyone together. I get along with my sister, but sometimes she sides with mom on some things (non political). I do keep in contact with her, and she knows I am at the tail end of my cold. I am having anxiety and panic attacks just thinking about going over there this Thursday. Both my workplaces are closed, so I can't use work as an excuse. Should I just pretend somehow that my cold came back or got worse to get out of it and avoid going over there all together? I am at the point where this sounds real tempting! What should I do? Any help will be appreciated!

Hi everyone, I’m diagnosed bipolar 1 with rapid cycling I was prescribed: 200mg Lamictal / Lamotrigine 1000mg Depakote / Divalproex 50mg Seroquel (for sleep) 1mg Risperidone I’m taking the first 3 but I’m terrified of taking risperidone after reading the side effects. I also feel like this is a lot of prescriptions to be taking all at once. Has anyone been on a similar cocktail and can share their experience?

I hate myself and I don’t deserve to be happy. But there are so many people with problems and sometimes my problems aren’t valid enough to be noticed. I don’t deserve to be noticed, I don’t deserve to feel sad or happy.

anything that helps you guys stop feeling that way? Im alone in my apartment Because Im sick. Im going crazy

Theres no point for life. My mom is ruining it. Sitting here in my room crying, boyfriend in the other half. He should just find a better girl than one who sits and cries all the time. Im not worth his time or anyone elses. Just someone take my seizure meds away from me so i can die.

Title says it all. I’m not trying to write out my whole life story, but long story short: I went off all my meds, and I felt way better. I know there were other factors that contributed to my mental health improving, but those factors have changed. The only consistent thing is that I still have not gone back on medication. Has anyone else gone off their meds and then actually felt BETTER?

You know the one, the song/songs that you play when you feel things spiraling out of your control, when you feel the panic setting in, when you feel like you're not real, etc., that song that brings you back down to earth and makes you feel okay, even if it's just for a few minutes. For me, right now it's Reborn by Kid Cudi/Kids See Ghosts, Cudi humming restores a little bit of my soul every time I hear it, I swear. And "keep moving forward" is becoming sort of a mantra for me, because anxiety has that habit of making you stop in place, freeze up and just *think* obsessively about what could happen, what if I panic, etc when all you need to do is just keep going and get out of your head.

Does anyone else experience this? I feel a tightening in my chest each morning when I wake up, generally before my alarm clock goes off. After that I hop in the shower to start my day but I generally start it off with throwing up for some reason. Why can’t this just go away!

Wigged out last night. My s/o hadnt done anything. She's always super supportive and has done research on BPD and tries to figure out strategies to deal with my issues. And i just got nasty as shit because of some stuff I'd been mad about that was entirelt on me, and i took it out on her. As usual, she's handling it like a pro, but i'm hungover (of course i was wasted) hating myself and just a nasty mess of suicidal self hate (not going to act on it dont worry). Why the hell is my head like this? Hw the fuck are we supposed to have normal lives?

I’m at the age and point in my relationship where the topic of children comes up a lot, especially in my head. I want to have at least one child so badly. But I feel like I’m in a moral dilemma due to my BPD. To begin with, although my childhood was tumultuous, my grandmother had BPD so I think mine is hereditary. The idea of my child having to go through what I go through every day is almost unbearable. Not to mention depression also runs in my family and my boyfriend’s. I’m stuck between my selfish desire to want a child with the love of my life, and not wanting to risk passing on all of things that make me wish I hadn’t been born. I’m only 23, but have PCOS and through unsafe sexual practices know that I will be unable to have children without at least some kind of hormone therapy, if at all. So I feel like it’s never too early to consider this stuff. Does anybody here have any experience or insight into this?

I got out of hospital after having my chemo yesterday, twice I've had battles with mosquitos.. always show up once at a time, I'm sure atleast one every time is real. I keep fighting them off with various objects But they keep coming back.. no one else In the house is struggling.. it's really frustrating Because even now an hour since I killed the last mosquito.. I'm still sat on my bed Running my fingers over my skin.

I feel too emotionally attached to my bf to go back home. I started traveling November 1st and he and I met on Christmas. It was an insane connection.. but my emotions are really strong and I feel like I’ve been more relaxed to show them and he recently told me I’m not the same girl he met and my personality is going to shit. I have really bad acne and have been working hard to go back on accutane but he’s not really supporting that, that’s where my insecurity mostly comes from. I just want to go back home and heal my skin and try to heal my brain. Just take care of myself but I look at him and who he is and everything about him and I am so sad to think of him not being apart of my life.

Hi my name is Walter. I am 23 years old and I am “expendable.” My whole life I have been told that by people… not my mother or father. They did the absolute best they could. Yet everyone else has shown me that I am expendable. I never had friends growing up besides people that we’re forced to be there I.e. family friends. Whenever I tried to make connections they would last until the money, time, or drugs ran out. I then started getting in relationships and similar things happened there as well they would stay till they saw someone with a nicer car, more money, a better body or a bigger dick… then they would cheat and tell me strait up that I just wasn’t good enough… making me feel EXPENDABLE. This cycle has continued for years never failing and never stoping for even one second. At this point I really don’t see the charm in staying alive just to be tossed to the curb like a broken toy over and over and over again. I have sat with a loaded gun to my head numerous nights, sped down back roads crying trying so hard to pull the trigger or jerk the wheel. Yet for some reason I never can, which honestly hurts more than it actually would to just do it. I feel like a pussy for not being able to go through with ending my life witch Intern incredibly makes me feel worse… just a ongoing cycle of pain till I finally pull the trigger. I also shot shotguns competitively at a state and national level so I know a lot about guns in general. I came up with something that I say to myself when I’m trying to pull the trigger and I repeat it to myself over and over like a mantra I say “it’s just an 1/8th inch of resistance for an eternity of peace.” Yet I still can’t pull the trigger. I pray for peace and hope for all of you in this group. I hope one day in the future I will stop thinking like this.

The reason you feel the way you do is because of pain you had to endure when you were too young to deal with it. All this negativity stacks in your head and haunts you, but keep in mind that eventhough it might seem real and justified, it is only internalized pain that we reflected back on ourselves because we did not know better, and over the years it has become so deeply engrained in our heads that it seems to make out who we are, but the truth is that we are still behind it all, too hurt and unsure to step out and too occupied with the pain. Sadly I don't have the magic words to erase it all but keeping this in mind helps with the guilt and self hatred, making days at least a but easier. Hope you find something to keep it out too, cheers.

god I keep trying to therapize myself and talk myself out of the negative thought loops but it’s making it worse. like I think about everything I’m living for and it becomes rotten the more I look at it. and I know therapy is the answer to this so I can get outside of my head, but that’s too fucking raw for me. what do i do. I feel like as soon as my parents die I will have no reason or will to keep breathing

My left eye is lazy. I can't follow a finger going left.

My sister told me today that she plans to leave on August 22 for university. She would be going to the other side of Canada, a 3-day drive away. This is her 3rd year leaving so you'd think it would get easier but I am still a mess. I can't stop crying out of fear that I won't be okay without her and that she will want to come home less now that she is becoming more independent. My therapist and I haven't really discussed anything relating to fear of abandonment so I don't know what do. Plus, she took the next 2 weeks off so I'm on my own until the 17th. My sister leaving has been all I've been thinking about all day. Any words of advice or maybe a new perspective would be much appreciated.

I started increasing my lithium dose for a couple months after starting and I noticed a lot of fatigue and even mood swings. I got my blood test results back which showed an underactive thyroid. I saw my PCP who said I can get tested in a month or two or take the thyroid hormone medication. My psychiatrist is fairly open to keeping the lithium or finding a replacement Is lithium worth it? I’m wondering if anyone else have any similar experiences

So I wouldn’t say I have social anxiety, I’m maybe a bit on the shy side but I enjoy talking to people. For some reason whenever I text new people or a group, for the next few minutes I’ll just shake, like I’m really cold or something. I find it so weird because I’m not really socially anxious or anything and it never happens when I’m speaking to someone in person. How do I stop this?

Has anyone tried to get disability for anxiety in california? Some background if needed (also felt good to write all this) My depression and anxiety comes in waves. 75% of the time, one is higher and the other is very much still there but not as high. Yes, I am on medication, have a therapist and have an upcoming appt with psychiatrist. Right now, the anxiety is taking over my life. I can’t work, can’t socialize, I can’t go out for errands. I am having small panic attacks multiple times through out the day. (instant crying, racing thoughts, physical symptoms like shaking, jittering, and over whelming adrenaline). I have tried multiple jobs of different kinds but i’m just struggling. It does eventually get better and I can work again but during the time when I cannot, I need the money!

I just got diagnosed as BDP about 2 months ago. After being in the hospital, I was put into a transitional care program. I’ve been really trying to make the meetings but I just started a full time that has no idea about my mental health. I thought about telling my manager but I just don’t want to be viewed differently. I called my Social Worker today and explained the missed meeting but she sounded really annoyed with me. I’ve been doing a lot better and have been managing my emotions quite well (practicing wise mind, breathing exercises, keeping a journal etc.) I just feel like I’ve failed everyone around me by not being able to make my meetings. I’m trying really hard to get better but I feel like I’m failing by not going, I do make the effort to go when I can but with work and the groups being across the city it makes it difficult. Does anyone else get this intense failure feeling? It makes me want to give up entirely and go back to my old ways but I know, in my head, that isn’t going to help.

I was strapped to a metal chair in a stark room and two men (complete strangers) were standing over me. I was asked some questions (not sure what), but I got the sense that my replies were somewhat unsatisfactory. The first man, who had stood directly in front of me, moved to my right and let off two shots into my right temple. I remember feeling like the world was spinning and going limp. I also recollect this overpowering sensation of numbness/light-headedness, not unlike the inception of a migraine, but more potent and without feeling any pain. At some point, although l had seemed to have forgotten how to speak, I recall internally impetrating God in repentance. Strangely enough, the men joined in with audible prayers. Shortly after my attempts at propitiation, the second man, who had initially been hovering to my right, moved to my front and fired a single shot to the centre of my head. The world eventually went black but the last thing I remember is drifting, feeling quite peaceful. Then I woke up and quickly realised I was still alive. Instant depression.

like the title says, i’m interested in trying cbd oil! i know that people have mixed results with it. i’m wondering if anyone can recommend any specific brands of cbd oil that have worked well for them? there’s so many to choose from and im having a hard time deciding where to buy from. note: i live in a state where cbd + thc are legal

looking for something that might help me. i feel like collapsing but i cannot sleep.

I keep feeling like someone keeps telling me all these thoughts and shit that make me anxious and such, and they never feel like my own thoughts. ME still j knows that they're false, but this year screams very loudly. I hate it. Emotional and logical supported is appreciated.

I’m having a really hard time. My bf who lived with me just suddenly left me and is driving back to his family 11 hours away with everything he had in our apartment. It was supposed to be temporary but I fucked things up and now we’re done for good

I have been a complete wreck recently. I have been unable to focus on the smallest task, I’ve been cutting myself more and more, and my thoughts have become more abstract and self harming. Within the last hour, i have thought - I want to smack my head into the sidewalk and crack my skull open. I don’t want to die, I just want to feel the pain - I want to break everything around me - I want to shave off all my hair - I want to cut off my fingers - that there was someone behind me (I live alone) - (this one is a bit weird to explain) my thoughts were smooth (like my head felt like it was a hard boiled egg, clogged and uniform) - jumping off a bridge into a suicide net to see how long it would take for people to see me - etc There has been so much screaming in my head its impossible to focus on any task and I exhaust and stress myself out so much that I don’t have the energy to do anything once these episodes are over. Is there anything I can do to help mitigate or stope these thoughts and feelings? Im currently between therapists, don’t have meds, and have no one to talk to irl.

Depression should be treated like abortion. If I don't want to live anymore then so be it. It's my fucking useless life, it's my fucking body. Just let me be.

At this point, I’m on the verge of ruling out anxiety. The only 2 symptoms I have nonstop are extreme chest pressure and breathlessness. I do everything. I eat healthy, practice mindfulness meditation every day for at least an hour (over the span of a month), breathing exercises, grounding exercises, yoga, you name it I’ve tried it but those 2 symptoms get worse every day. I don’t even feel a bit of anxiety today yet it feels like there is a 2 ton weight on my chest. Idk what to do and am on the verge of going to the hospital. Please help

I’m 17F and live in the UK. I know my question is very general but I genuinely think I might have bpd. But I’m more interested in getting into therapy but I’m not sure where to go for that I’ve been to my GP for a mental health check up but they didn’t do anything or refer my to a therapist/psychiatrist. They just send me a link to a website that gives mental health tips smh. I would appreciate advice from people who live in the UK or are British.

I was diagnosed with bpd about two years ago and my father was also diagnosed with it.. I'm a very avoidant anxious guy but I'm also people pleasing so sometimes I literally come off like I have aspergers. I lost my virginity three months ago to an older woman (30) with 3 kids. She was very flirty with me and kind pryed to get me to hook up with her. I never had this type of intimacy in my life and didn't think I'd get the chance again for awhile so I started dating her. She was insistent on getting me to tell her I loved her and wanted confirmation I was her boyfriend. There were red flags and she lied about so many things, she was also still talking to both of her ex's at the time. Even then I still kept seeing her. After about a month and a half she quit my work after lying again about her daughter having a life threatening disease. She never gave any closure but told me she was too busy to do anything. The romance and attention she gave me completely stopped. I felt like she used me for validation and as a boytoy the whole time. I blew up on her and said some horrible things and she told me that I was old news and that she helped me because I was 'helpless'. I blocked her but couldn't take what happened so I ended up unblocking her and apologizing. She seemed like she didn't really even care but asked me how I was doing. I know I should stop this now but I can't get her out of my head.

Hey guys , i hope you are having a good day , im 18 , i have severe ocd , its mostly triggered by science stuff , i can't let certain things/topics go before i understand them first. Its also make me preassume certain stuff that make me think certain alarming and disturning things about some topics. If someone have a background in science mainly biochemistry/biology and can help me , i would really appreicate this. Thank you for reading(:

I recently developed extreme anxiety disorder. It's gotten to the point where I cannot function. I barely sleep and when I do it's a shotty quality sleep. My testosterone was tested and it's super low. Now the doctors want to put me on testosterone replacement therapy. But according to them I'm not depressed, just very stressed out and anxious, which is true. This really all started when I went back to school. I was studying full time and working full time. That was stressful in itself but when I finished my courses I planned to take a 2-month break. That didn't happen. Instead I got hired into a job that I didn't even apply to. The hours are long and the commute is 2 hours each way. Plus it's an office job so sitting all day. This is when I noticed the sleep problems get worse. Now my performance is taking a hit because I'm so run down and tired. I don't want to live like this anymore. I feel that I need to just kill myself and be done with it. Never been shicidal before but if this is what life is about, all work and stress, then I say fuck it. Nope, not for me. I took 2 weeks off work and bought an e-bike to hopefully relieve my depression. Having a blast biking everywhere but I'm dreading having to go back to work, back to the 13-hour days and no sleep. Someone shoot me now.

I’m 22 years old for reference. I got COVID back in February and after a few days of having it, I suddenly felt this weird... what I’ve been calling a “shift in perception.” Since then I’ve felt weird, like I’m spaced out. I’ve been having bad memory problems, and I find myself making mental errors a lot more than normal. Like the other day, I apparently accidentally put the milk jug into the cabinet where I got my glass from instead of back into the fridge... it was dark but still I was shocked that I did something so dumb. Another thing I’ve noticed is that when I smoke weed, or drink alcohol (I’ve stopped completely at this point because I don’t think it’s good for my mental health right now) I find myself getting WAY more affected than normal, and it doesn’t feel pleasant at all like it used to. It just makes me feel seriously dumb and confused, and it gives me major anxiety sometimes. Like when I take just a few hits off my dry herb vape it can send me spiraling into a terrible panic attack. This was really weird to me because prior to getting COVID I was smoking up to a gram a day, with no anxiety whatsoever. And it felt GOOD, not at all like it does now. It’s somewhat manageable for me, but it’s really unpleasant and I’d really like to be able to shake this feeling but I don’t know how. I stopped all drug use and started trying to meditate and work out. But so far I haven’t had much success in getting rid of the feeling. Does anyone have any advice or suggestions? And do my symptoms seem like depersonalization or could it be something else? I know I should probably see a psychiatrist or therapist but I want to try to take care of this on my own if possible. If it gets worse I will.

I'm 24 year old and diagnosed with anxiety, panic disorder and depression.On top of that I have terrible health anxiety and I keep googling stuff and suspecting to have something new almost every month. First cancer, then MS, then parkinsons etc. And it usually goes away after a few days of intense worrying. I often have episodes of deep sadness and anxiety but I started getting used to it. Anyways, tonight when I tried to fall asleep, I heard bird noises from outside. It was pretty quiet and not really annoying. But now the scary part. The windows were closed and I was wearing earplugs. That made me jump out of my bed and I started panicking because my first suspicion was the onset of Schizophrenia. I googled auditory hallicunations and learned it's very common in schizophrenia. I started crying and googling for hours until I started to try to fall asleep again... Just to hear the quiet bird sounds again. Oh and I only hear it in my right ear. Right now, when I distract myself I don't hear anything cuz I listen to music, but when it's quiet I start hearing it again. Please, can someone just help me calm down? I'm in so much pain right now I don't know what to do, losing my mind is my biggest fear. I want to throw up. Out of all the fears I had this one is by far the worst. Was my worsening anxiety and depression just the beginning of schizophrenia? Is this the reason why I'm so miserable? Some background info: I do have tinnitus but this doesn't really feel like it's from tinnitus but I'm not 100% sure. There is one case of schizophrenia in my family, which happened to be my cousin from my mothers side. My dad, mom and siblings don't have any psychotic problems. I currently am very sleep deprived because of general anxiety not related to this new problem.

Not having the greatest day after all the holiday noise and little sleep for three nights, made a post earlier I was happy about because I made myself do a difficult thing before I talked myself out of it...then got paranoid and deleted it. Felt watched and tracked and all that. Oh well. It wins sometimes, what can you do. Trying again. Long story short I found a psychiatrist with great word-of-mouth who takes my insurance and made an appointment, way sooner than the original clinic I had planned to wait for. It'll still be a few months but I can't believe I got in. It's a new place that's connected to my hospital, which made me terrified of this being on my medical records. I fear from here on out things will always be blamed on psychiatric causes now; in the past I've suffered harm from other diseases because I wasn't taken seriously in time, so I don't want that happening again but I don't see any other way but through. At least I did the thing and said the words outloud, and it worked out and I'm moving forward. Going to focus on that. I still don't want to post this but I'm going to. Even if I am being tracked. Tomorrow will be better. Take care everyone.

I want to be ‘normal’ I want to be okay I want to be able to do things that everyone else can do I want to work I want to feel happiness I want that happiness to last longer than 2 hours Anyone else feel this way? Feeling very defeated and suicidal tonight. Could use some advice from those who know what it’s like :(

Note: I am not self-diagnosing sos sorry if it sounds like that - I’m very bad with my words A counselor I had for a while before she went on maternity leave said to me a few times that “I’m not saying you have BPD, also not saying you don’t, but you’d probably benefit from DBT” After hearing that I looked it up because I didn’t know a lot about it and I realised I fit in quite a few categories. I also have a friend who has BPD and they occasionally point out aspects of myself and say that’s something they do because of their BPD I’ve been trying to ignore it for months, but it’s always in the back of my mind because it does impact my life of course. I don’t want to say to my current counselor “oh btw do I have a personality disorder?” But if DBT would help me manage this any better I’d like to try it

How do you guys deal with those especially when waiting for something big? For ex I put an offer on a house and am just waiting to hear back but I can’t stop obsessing. Yes I’m going to work and all but it’s seriously still there Any advice would help

My thinking is, you only live once, you will die, everything we do is to avoid pain or gain pleasure, so why not?

I'm going to take the meds, be a zombie and gain 100 pounds. Im a f-ing disaster If it makes me not crazy, idc how fat I am!

My fp has ADHD. He hyper-focuses on things, while I'm hyper-focused on him... ​ Can this combination work? Or will we both drive each other insane? ​ Has anyone here with BPD tried dating someone with ADHD? How did it go for you? What were some issues you had with the relationship, and what things did you like about it?

Hello all, I have a case that has puzzled doctors all over my city. My symptoms: A few years ago, and every 4-6 months, I experience a health event. During this event - sometimes in afternoon, sometimes in the middle of the night - I feel extremely poor (generally unwell). Everything goes white. I want to pass out, my limbs feel strange and weightless. There is a pressure in my chest and my heartbeat raises, i sometimes get cold sweat. These severe symptoms subside after 20-30 minutes. Following that, I get nausea for like a week+. I've ran through many tests - my blood is clean, my blood pressure is perfect, etc etc etc. My heart sounds OK. I've had chest and stomach MRI's. I do not take and have never taken any pills (not even advil etc). So, one of my docs suggested that I investigate the mental angle. I went to 10 sessions with a therapist, and we both agree that I do not fit the bill. I have no issues with bad thoughts of any kind, I do not live a stressful life, and everyone is safe and healthy and financially secure. I sleep like a baby. Anytime these "events" happen, I am not in any sort of stressful week or situation (most times its middle of the night!) So, is there such a thing as subconscious anxiety? I am stressed without realizing it and having no thoughts of it? How would I even get that diagnosis confirmed? MRI brain scans? haha thanks,

Hi. my girlfriend is aware that i have horrible mental health, although i stopped talking about it often it’s a known thing between us. in the past it’s felt like she’s dismissed my feelings often, now often when she asks how im doing i just flat out say ‘eh not that well’ and so forth, i also struggle with chronic emptiness. everytime i say that she’s always like “well at least you’re not terrible” and it genuinely pisses me off. even being “okay” is simply not enough, anything within that or below feels ranges from feeling empty and dissatisfied, to pure agony. not pleasant regardless, feels like my feelings are being dumbed down, is it toxic positivity?

Hi everyone, I'll just start right away: the past couple of months/weeks I've been feeling very guilty and shameful over past behaviour and actions against my ex. I've broken up with him this summer after we've had a relationship for 2 years. In those 2 years I feel like I was in the peek of my "borderline behaviour" and I've straight up been very toxic and even manipulative during this time. I don't want to excuse my behaviour at all but this was in the same time I graduated from high school, started with university and moved out of my parent's home to a city far away from them. This was a pretty stressful time and I was realllllyyyy self-conscious and struggling with relapsing anorexia and self-harm. I feel like that relationship has really caged me, I've tried to break up with my ex a few times before but he never wanted to hear anything of that and always persuaded me to stay in the relationship. He was a really sweet guy though (sometimes even a bit dull, he wouldn't hurt a fly), no bad intentions at all but he couldn't indicate his own boundaries which is why I feel like I've crossed them pretty often. I was struggling with explosive anger (I was not allowed to have negative emotions like anger, anxiety and sadness at home) so I feel like it kind of all came out when I started to live on myself and it was mainly directed towards my friends and my ex. Anyway, long story short, I ended up breaking up with him after 2 years (he finally accepted that there was no future in our relationship) and I've moved on and have a new relationship at the moment. However I feel like guilt is kind of haunting me and I keep thinking of how I've mistreated my ex. I've grown and had therapy in the meantime, so my current relationship is really healthy and awesome but ugh, I feel so bad for being so chill and relaxed to my current relationship while being a complicated, frustrated asshole to my last relationship. It's almost like I'm pretending to be someone else, like I'm lying to him or something. It's hard to explain. I was thinking of maybe apologising to my ex who I haven't spoken to for a few months. We've separated nicely though, no fights at all, just tears and acceptance that it wouldn't work out for us. I hope that with apologising I can let him know that it was not his fault but mine, that I've grown and regret the things I did and acknowledge how hard it must have been for him. I want to say thank you for putting up with me and show empathy and just hope that he can move on as well. I sometimes feel like I might have traumatised him lightly or something. (not that I've been abusive but it was quite a rollercoaster and he has just kept up with a lot of shit from my side).

I’m a 16 year old girl living in canada. I’ve recently started self harming and I want to go to the ward before it gets too bad... but I’m scared. I have awful separation anxiety and I don’t want to be way from my parents. Do you make friends in there? Are you allowed your phone or computer? Any entertainment? Im just so curious.. anything will help. Thank you!

I’m losing touch with reality. I feel like things are talking to me and I can hear it calling my name and I keep seeing things. My family won’t listen. I’m suicidal and homicidal and feel like I’m constantly being watched. I’m struggling so much and I also struggle with an eating disorder that my family doesn’t take serious and my mom is an alcoholic who only cares about her bf and doesn’t even try to connect with me. I’m scared what I’m capable of and what I’m going to do.

I called out and the night answered me and made me cry, no one heard me but a night that drove out my tears none of my beloved ones except the night consoled me Oh how miserable is he who has been forsaken by their loneliness like I was by mine. My roads have become long and I've become lost in time, how many sane minds have lost because of loneliness.

Please help. I don't have access to a psychologist, especially in my country. I'm constantly worried about my loved ones' physical and mental well-being. I don't care about myself. I just want them to be okay. Yet they think I'm selfish and inhumane and insensitive. I'm tired of feeling too much. Of crying all the time. I'm too sensitive; I just want to be apathetic for once. It hurts. I want to be able to enjoy the things that I once loved doing. I can't do anything anymore. I hate my thoughts. I want to escape them but I don't know how. I try to do everything to relieve them but nothing works anymore.

Ok well I think it’s helping with my anxiety, But Life just feels hazy. that’s the only way I can describe it, I feel like my memory has gotten worse. I feel almost nothing most of the time, it’s kinda like I’m numb to everything and it makes me just want to stay home. Idk if it’s because I went from 10 to 20 milligrams or what, but I feel like it’s helped my anxiety still. I just I feel weird🤦🏻‍♀️

My family berate me for befriending/dating people who have mental illnesses etc, saying I should surround myself with happy people... I know how much it hurts to be abandoned for being unwell so why the fuck would I do that? Also - newsflash: I'm mentally ill too. Also, I don't want to get abandoned again by a 'normal person'. I'll stick to us fellow crazies, ta. We keep life interesting anyway; would rather die than discuss mortgage prices and kids at 24. Anyone else get this shit? Drives me mad.

There’s literally one person in my area that is trained in DBT so that’s who I’m seeing soon. I’m a little scared as she has no reviews online. My last therapist wasn’t trained to deal with traumatized patients and unintentionally encouraged my toxic behaviors. This year has been hell thanks to my symptoms; I lost my (now ex) fiancé, college career, friendships, etc. I’ve also lost *SO* much weight because feeling overwhelmed makes me not want to eat at all. It causes me to become weak both physically and mentally, creating a vicious cycle of getting too sick to control my emotions (or stay at work), then beating myself up over it, and not eating because I get overwhelmed. I’m barely functioning as a person at this point. I’ve had pretty bad experiences with antidepressants and therapists in the past. DBT self help hasn’t gotten me too far either. I’m going to give it all another chance for the next year or so but I’m scared I’ll feel even more hopeless if none of this works for me. I guess we’ll see.

I've found myself exceedingly frustrated with the people who are or were supposedly close to/caring about me (lovers or friends or family) having this EXACT outline of a conversation after an episode. I hate this stigma that BPD has, and how it throws a wrench in progress by giving others a flawed view point. 90% of people I feel like I can trust have this with me while I'm coming down from the "feral" aspect of an episode and I'm wondering if anyone experiences this frequently or if I'm just insanely unlucky- Its usually something like: W/OBPD: stop that/you're acting up/ that was a shitty thing to do Me: I know that, and I'm very deeply sorry. I was triggered and felt I'd lost control, I don't know what came over me. That was an awful thing to do and I don't know what part of me thought it logical. W/OBPD: what triggered you? Me: well, [explains as clearly as possible what they did to trigger me]. This can happen sometimes, and as hard as i try, it inevitably happens every once in a while. W/OBPD: oh so it's MY fault you were an asshole to me? Me: no, I'm just pointing out that your actions or lack thereof triggered something- W/OBPD: is this supposed to make me feel bad? Why are you gaslighting me for your behaviour?? Me: I'm not saying it to manipulate you, I have a mental illness that makes my brain work different than yours. Right now, this is me trying to help myself and you by communicating W/OBPD: mental illness isn't an excuse to be an ass. Me: I KNOW that, as I mentioned before it isn't an excuse its an explanation so i-- W/OBPD: if you knew it was bad why did you do it??? Me: because I have a mental illness! And I'm trying my best, I understand my actions were bad and that's why I'm apologising, can you please listen so we can talk about how to prevent this in the future? W/OBPD: WE? Why we? Why do I have to work for YOUR toxic problems?? Me: you're not, maintaining sanity and control is MY job, but the reactions of loved ones can...determine the outcome of episodes... W/OBPD: I can't believe you'd be manipulative by crying and looking all sorry. Me: IM NOT ACTING IM ACTUALLY SORRY AND EXTREMELY GUILTY! W/OBPD: now you're angry at me!! When will it end?? --- Tldr: does anyone else feel like they can't win with their loved ones no matter how hard you try or how many healthy relationship skills you use?

I took a dump and noticed I had to spit and spat into the toilet... then I realized I had a stomach ache... what if the germs from the toilet got into my mouth? Or am I being paranoid lol I am also hungry maybe my stomach just needs food and anxious? Also drank lot of coffee and tiered

I'm currently in a committed relationship. We broke up nearly 1 1/2 years ago and haven't spoken since about a month after the breakup. He's on the other side of the country and I deleted him off Facebook so there's 0 chance of seeing him again until I go back (months from now as it hasn't even been planned yet and no I don't feel comfortable 'hanging out' again) I'm at the point where I no longer find myself thinking about the relationship until the subject of unhealthy relationships comes up, I feel a slight sense of acceptance, although admittedly I probably need to work more on that. I feel as if he deserves to know why I was engaging in the behaviours I was and why things were always so unstable. My hope is it may prompt him to get help if he is still engaging in self harm. Or it may help him in future romantic relationships?

Hey everyone. I just wanted to share something and see if anyone could relate. So I’ve been stable on my meds for over 5 years. It’s been absolutely wonderful, but I still struggle with symptoms. I know I’m never going to reach the point where they fully go away, and I’m okay with that. But I’ve noticed that other people tend to treat me like I’m not bipolar, and it’s become a problem. My husband in particular has a tendency to assume I can do things just as easily as he can. I think he forgets I struggle with things until he sees me meltdown. Then he remembers. But he forgets again and it’s just kind of this cycle. Even my mom, who is also bipolar, talks to me about her symptoms. I try to relate to her, and she insists that I don’t understand. That I’m not like her. It really hurts when she says that, because I have absolutely been through the same sorts of situations and pain. It’s frustrating. At work it’s even worse. Because my illness is invisible, I can’t have symptoms at all or I could get fired. I’m pretty sure that is why I lost my last job. I was having a really hard time while trying to switch medication. My symptoms started getting worse and I think my work just assumed it was a personal failing of some kind. Even though they knew I was bipolar. And tbh the worst part of all of this is that some people get angry at me for having these problems. Like I’m stable, I should be grateful and not complain about very real issues I still struggle with. Symptoms I still have. My mom sometimes guilts me about it. My husband has been getting better about this, but it still happens sometimes. I’m just….so damn tired. All the time. And I just wanted to know if anyone else could relate or if I’m completely alone in this.

I took double the amount of olanzapine that I am prescribed. and it feels likes my brain unclogged! I feel more myself especially in my head space and the hallucination I constantly have of someone or something on top of my head... is gone ! well almost. anyways really crazy makes me have even more hope. only downfall it made me so sleepy. Wishing you all well!

There are days when I wake up and this hits me... Why should I keep trying to get better, meet expectations, when I don't enjoy anything at all. Right now, I don't feel like talking to anyone (I can't seem to form any kind of deep connection with anyone), I don't enjoy simple life things, watching stuff all day is boring, gaming is somehow exhausting, I'm not interested at all in graduating but have to, I don't want to slave my life away for a job because I don't even find joy buying things anymore, same goes for my hobbies, I've lost any passion or motivation. It just feel so... tasteless and useless, forcing myself to do all of those things when I don't even wish to wake up again.

CW: Animal death mention (euthanasia) My dog is sick, she’s been for years and now it’s gotten into her kidneys with no turning back so the best we can do for her is put her to sleep. We’ve had her for 9 years now, she’s been part of my life and has helped me get through so much, and as someone with BPD, anxiety and severe depression, she’s always brought light into my life. She’s not even gone yet but I’ve been crying for the past two days, I wish it was me instead of her, I really don’t know how I’ll handle this at all. If anyone has gone through this, I appreciate you and I also hope you can give me some advice on how to cope and how to avoid going overboard with the emotions. Goodnight to everyone and hope everyone is safe.

A small rant I'm a failure. I don't get the best grades at school, nor am I the best at sports. I'm not pretty. I hate how I look. I hate how short I am. I hate how I can focus on my studies. I have a huge exam coming up and I wanted to work hard and get the best grades possible, but now that the exams coming closer I don't think I can get the grades I wanted. I can barely focus on my work. I don't want to disappoint everyone around me. I can't contain my anger either, I lash out at my mom most of the time and sometimes I make her cry and I just hate myself so much for doing that, like I don't deserve to live.

I don’t know what I want to say with this post really, and I hope someone doesn’t get offended by it. I just want to share my thoughts and support to anyone in that situation. It isn’t much but I want to shed some lights on you. Some of us has this kind of support but it’s easy to take it for granted. Keep fighting. I really hope you can get help and support from someone you are close to soon. Also, this sub has proven that a lot of redditors like to help strangers.

I've been diagnosed with BPD by two separate psychiatrists, yet my therapist (not one of the two people who diagnosed me) still says I don't have BPD. To be fair, if I do have it, it's probably quiet BPD. When I'm at my therapist's, I'm always calm and collected and hardly show any emotion. I also only recently started talking about what I actually am dealing with every day and my problems instead of just projecting, as I have for the last two years. This might be a contributing factor to why she doesn't believe I have BPD. Then on the other hand, one of the two times I got diagnosed with BPD was when I was at a psych ward. These people saw me every day for three months straight, which is something my therapist doesn't. They got the full experience and ended up deciding that I do have BPD. At this point I'm just confused. Obviously I'm not looking for a diagnosis because that's impossible on here, I'm just extremely confused and looking for people who might have gone through the same thing or something similar. If there's anyone out there who had the same or a similar experience, please help me out here. I'm so confused. From what I can tell, I have almost all of the basic symptoms except for one, plus a few secondary symptoms (?), I can relate to almost everything on this sub as well, but I only show these symptoms at home, with the only exception being the psych ward I mentioned. I still experience all these symptoms in my day to day life, I just somehow manage to keep it to myself with several coping mechanisms. My therapist is making me really unsure on wether I have BPD or not. Also something I feel may be important to say is that my therapist is a child/teen therapist, not necessarily licensed to deal with BPD, as I'm only 18 and haven't had the energy to change therapist yet. Another thing is that a good friend of mine has been diagnosed with BPD as well and we share all the same symptoms to almost exactly the same extent, which just confuses me further. Any help would be massively appreciated. I'm so lost right now.

I quit my job after I tried to report my boss for several serious ethical violations. I was told not to ask for reasonable accommodations or speak about diabetes because of hipaa. My coworkers were transphobic and I found someone wrote my dead name on the birthday office chart. I was called a liar and toxic. I quit cause I’m not that. I’m just incredibly depressed, uninsured diabetic trans woman in america. I really don’t think I survived the closet cause I’ll be homeless in a month and back with my parent. I had everything. I had good insurance. I had money saved up for surgery and a date set. My blood sugars were in control. I had/have an apartment with my partner. I built an entire career too but that’s also dead in the water. AMA cause I’m lonely and I don’t know how to go forward so I don’t lose my home.

Each time I come across the news of another having any bit of misfortune, I get progressively angrier and immediately discount my own feelings. I refuse help and tell people I don’t need anything in a rude tone (unmeaning to sound that way) when it happens. I start blaming everyone else for the weight put on my shoulders by them. I feel everything and I’m going more mad the more it happens. Could it be I’m an attention seeker? That something in the past happened that now triggers this response? I’ve always empathized with people on a different level; I always gave them what they needed, listened to their rants and buy them gifts that I know would cheer them up but it feels that not one person would have done or felt the same as me. I had so much love in my heart but it’s only anger now. I’m mad at everyone and everything including myself. I had been put into a psych ward a week ago. In that environment, everyone was very open about what happened to them and often joked about it. I’m aware that it’s a way of coping. You could see peoples cuts and hear all their problems said loudly in the hallways (including my own) .. the staff didn’t care for privacy. My stomach turned every single time. I wanted to hit my head on the wall and get out of there. The weight of these people’s problems falling right on my shoulders made me suicidal. Now I am home and I am sick. Today I found out that my sister is also sick and I almost lost it. I got so angry and started to mentally blaming everyone for making me feel bad about it. My mom tried to give me medicine and I declined it I’m so angry and I don’t know why

Tonight I had a massive anxiety attack. To start it off, tonight I slipped on the stairs leading to my basement and banged my knee up. I've been forgetting to take my anxiety pills which made it really worse. I was taking a shower and some of the stuff that happened during the summer came back (Brain telling me to hurt myself even though I don't want to) and I started crying and shaking and it was really scary. ​ I just need to vent, it was really scary, but I'm calming down now that I took some meds and I'm listening to some calming music.

I stumbled across this by accident, and it's been occurring to me that it's quite useful for learning about unhealthy, codependent relationships, since that's something I'm particularly prone to. I was just reading it for my Japanese Literature class. It's a short story about a woman who works as a stripper and occasional prostitute, and her intense relationship with a runaway U.S. Navy soldier. There's physical abuse and drug use in it (consider this advance warning), and there's a lot of things to look at in it - for one, it's got a whole lot about the fetishisation of black men. But the main themes of it, about struggling with understanding infatuation and healthy relationships, especially where sex is concerned, are pretty useful, I'm finding. It's not as blindingly obvious an example of abuse as 50 Shades of Grey (but that's because E.L. James is a terrible writer, which is irrelevant to this), but it's still there if you read closely. I don't know, I just thought some others of you might find it interesting and/or useful to read it and see unhealthy relationships written down, because it's helping me a lot with understanding things like idealising partners and such.

I have actually recently been officially diagnosed with bpd, and in researching things I've found so many references to how (apparently) taxing patients are on their counselours. Enough so apparently that the woman who wrote the book on DBT has this as the first paragraph *before the preface* >When I teach my graduate students—who work with complex, difficult-to-treat individuals at high risk for suicide—I always remind them that they can choose whether to look out for themselves or to look out for their clients, but they cannot always do both. If they want to look out for themselves at a possible cost to their clients, I remind them that they are in the wrong profession. Okay so i really am being serious when i ask: "is it ethical to simply be transferring my pain to somwone else because I'm paying them?" But i also ask: "how taxing, and is it guaranteed to be so? What are the factors?"

The more I read thought this subreddit the more and more stuff I’m seeing that I’ve been trying to put into words for years, it’s just experience after experience showing up. I felt so alone because thought I was the only one who felt these things, but maybe I’m not. I’ve not been diagnosed with BPD, but I am thinking about talking with my doctor about it.

I know she saves a lot of her time with herself or her boyfriend but I'm not sure how to thank her. we've been texting back and forth but I don't know what to say. I've picked a therapist but wondering what or how to best express my gratitude. She's always been a bit flakey but she was extremely helpful in relationing her depression to my anxieties.

I keep ruining potential relationships/even just causal things because of this, and it’s embarrassing and not really very like me to overshare it’s just more of an impulse/need to explain myself. But it’s embarrassing and I was called out for being too TMI and I just can’t stop cringing at myself

This has happened to me for as long as I can remember. It is usually a work colleague that I percieve as particularly judgemental or assertive or authoritive. Just something about them, I get so nervous just with them being in any proximity to me, even just hearing their voice. I become really avoidant as I want to avoid the inner turmoil which, in turn, gives them even more reason to criticize and negatively judge. There are two colleagues at my work in particular that I am so afraid of every time they talk to me I freeze and look like a deer in the headlight. I can't even string a sentence together when I'm really anxious. I can be fine all day then just a minuite talking to this particular person can throw me into turmoil. I overanalyze every one of their looks and words and I can't even tell anymore if the paranoia is just or not. I mean every now and then I get a thread of evidence that they are critically judging me and then in my mind I'll be like yup I knew it they think I'm shit or they know I'm shit. And it's like their opinion can make or break me. But I don't care about other people's opinions so much. It's like selective paranoia. I especially "shapeshift" for these ppl to try to make them like me and validate me cos their praise feels like the best thing ever and that also just turns them more off me I feel cos I come across so goddamn needy and insecure. God I hate this. I wish certain ppl didn't have so much power over me. I know they don't literally and it's all "in my head" but no matter what I try they still have power over me. I hate it! Anybody else? Ugh I feel so rambly and repetitive. Please tell me I'm not alone.

is this my anxiety and have any of you had this happen? it scares me… obviously. happens out of NOWHERE, laying in bed, or at work, anywhere and anytime, just a very abrupt and fast jolt feeling in my chest. it’s intense and i get really scared right away and when it happens i immediately react - like sit straight up and gasp or something. then it’s just gone as quick as it came, and i’m just left feeling worried and thinking what it possibly could be. like my heart skipping a beat or having a problem or some dangerous thing that could be wrong w me …. any comments on this appreciated❤️

22/f I shake and shiver almost every time I leave my house because of my anxiety and being on edge. It’s the worst when I’m at work and I hate my hands shaking when I’m trying to count change or put items in bags and it constantly leaves my body sore and achy. Currently not taking medication because I let the prescription expire.

Strong words and all, but it's really true! I don't know how to live my life and to be content, to be healthy. I've failed my whole life, through school even elementary and high school. And then when I got out of high school I fell right through and failed harder than imaginable. I don't know how to be okay with being a failure and my eventual final one where I die I try so hard to be okay with it, to sit and let it pass - to distract myself but it's always there

Im so paranoid and fearful of everything, that like when people ask me to look at the glass as half full or half empty, i laugh, because im like...no only do i think its half empty, but i think the glass will break when i hold it or there is poison in the glass..or that like, ill drink and there will be a hidden cost or trap

dbt doesn’t work

I don't feel anything except numb emotionally and such. I don't know if I am experiencing depression even though I have been diagnosed with MDD. I don't think I am since I don't feel sadness or anything.

I have never had a therapist and am looking to find one, but I honestly have no idea where to start. What’s a good message to send them for a first time? How do I know what kind of therapy would work for me? Does anyone have any tips, websites to find, or anything? I currently look on psychology today, but it’s kind of stressful at time. Anything helps, thanks.

And because I love my family. I dont want to live because I love living. I'm just afraid of pain and death.

i just need to know it’s worth it, from people who know how it feels. i am at a very, very low point and i haven’t experienced this type of feeling in all my years dealing with depression and bpd. it’s very bad this time. i just feel disconnected from everyone and ive been splitting on my partner more often. ive also been thinking about the past and how my bpd has affected everyone ive loved. i feel so much guilt and so much pain. i have a support system but they all feel empty and far away. everything hurts a lot

tw depression, suicidal thoughts, social anxiety I (20 F) am going to South Korea to study abroad this upcoming semester. I want to see the world and the culture and history. I leave in five days and as it gets closer, I'm so terrified. I have been abused about my weight to the point that I have PTSD, depression, and a major social phobia. It's too late to go back on my decision now, this is in five days. South Korea has incredibly high beauty standards and the judgement level is insane. I don't know if I can handle this, but I can't handle *not* doing it either. I have been so excited but now I think I might just ■■■■ myself there. Plus, that way, I don't have to come home to this hell. Any anxiety-coping advice, uplifting thoughts, positive things to look forward to, general support, etc would be amazing... I really need it. I want to feel good about going, not scared out of my mind...

I know I've got some kind of mental health struggle because the bathroom floor becomes my greatest comfort some days. ​ This huge weight of sadness crushes me and I partially know why, but I can't get it to just go away. It feels irrational and selfish to be sad when I compare my situation to other folks'. ​ In social situations and at work I'm just fine, almost cured, but once I spend a few minutes truly by myself, I can't help but feel lost, alone, and overwhelmed. I feel like my life's going nowhere - almost like a quarter-life crisis. This is especially true if I'm trying to develop new hobbies or skills. ​ I plan on seeking professional help soon, but typing this up somewhere just gives me some sort of... comfort I guess. I've been journaling too and that helps some. ​ It's just weird to know and understand there's some kind of chemical imbalance going on and feel powerless against it. I don't want to give in to how I'm feeling.

Much love.

I'm not sure where to start. Over the summer, there have been some ants in my kitchen. (It's *my* kitchen... my mother lives upstairs in her own house.) Possibly due to lockdown boredom, my mother has hyperfocused on the ants. Rather than just kill them with a paper towel, she chose to call an extermination company (Orkin), who have been coming all summer and spraying my kitchen. I told her it wasn't necessary, and that the ants actually seemed worse after Orkin came, but she insisted they still come. Since I've been against them coming, she has been the one dealing with the Orkin worker. Recently he said that I needed to get rid of everything in my cabinets. So last month while I was out, everything in my kitchen was taken out of the cabinets and tossed haphazardly aside, and I was told I cannot use the cabinets or the counter until further notice. So basically Orkin said I can't have food in the kitchen. I've lived without food in the kitchen for over a month now. Earlier this week, she had the same Orkin worker at the house again, and he told my mother there were ants on the oven. He then told her she needed to get rid of my oven immediately, as if getting rid of an expensive major appliance is no big deal... along with having no food in the kitchen. That was too much for me. I approached the Orkin guy (probably in his early 20's) and told him that I wasn't sure that getting rid of the oven was a great idea. I also mentioned ovens aren't exactly cheap. He then verbally attacked me. He told me I was rude, and stupid if I didn't do exactly what he said. He continued to yell and rant at me about how he was good at his job and knew what he was doing. My mother insisted we do exactly what he says without question, and asked him for phone numbers of someone to remove the oven. (The plumber who arrived later to take it seemed very confused as to why my mother was getting rid of it, but she insisted it go.) Granted, the Orkin guy was very forceful and arrogant, and that may have been part of the reason my mother wouldn't question him... It gets better. I had been in shock and shaking all afternoon from being verbally attacked by the Orkin guy. I wanted to call his boss and report him. But mom continued to insist I don't do that. She argued and screamed at me that he did nothing wrong, and that I was wrong for questioning him. I finally gave up. The next day, I found out the real reason she didn't want him reported. He had also been doing work at my aunt's (my mother's sister). While there, he said he really liked her cat. So they had decided to give him a cat and were waiting for him to come pick it up. My mom and aunt were more friendly with this guy than I ever knew. I feel very betrayed. The worst part is that he's out there living his life like normal, enjoying himself, and most likely laughing because not only did my family defend him when he verbally attacked me in my own house... they bought him a cat. I, on the other hand, am too upset to do my favorite relaxing activities, like running or reading a book. I'm not being a kind mother to my kids because I'm so screwed up over this. It's also straining my relationship with my SO. He is so kind and nice to me, but I'm so stuck on this situation that I can't be receptive to his affection or be loving like I desire to. This Orkin guy has basically screwed up my important relationships and life. Even worse, my family's toxic treatment of me. (This isn't an isolated incident of them embracing someone who has abused me.)

Hi all 👋🏼 First off, I just wanted to note that I'm really grateful for this community and support system. I was recently diagnosed with Bipolar 1 and I am in my early 30s. Now that I know this about myself, a lot of my past painful periods of depression and behaviors that I am now attributing to being in the throes of a manic episode make a lot of sense. 🥲😅 I am still working on learning about BP1 and connecting with my psychiatrist on reworking my current prescriptions (currently on low doses of Buspar and Mirtazipine). I am finding that the low dose of Mirtazipine, as well as a number of other holistic practices, are helping with my depression, but I am feeling myself starting to on-ramp into a manic state and am not sure how to best take care of myself in this moment. While I continue to educate myself on how better to take care of myself, I am wondering if anyone has some self-care practices, habits, or other advice for lessening a manic episode? Any thoughts you may have are greatly appreciated 💖 And, I am open to any introductory books or other source materials you might recommend for those with BD. Thanks, all 🙂

I have a bad habit of picking my scalp when I’m anxious, usually to the point where it starts bleeding. This started a few months ago, and it’s become an almost daily occurrence for me. When it scabs over and I feel it on my scalp, I get an overwhelming urge to pick it off because I can’t deal with the feeling of my scalp not being smooth (kinda a paradox since it would be smooth if I just stopped picking it). I literally spend 30min-1 hr in the bathroom ‘cleaning’ my scalp from all the white buildup that I picked off my scalp and is scattered in my hair. I don’t know how to combat this urge. Please if you have experienced this or something else similar, I need advice on how to stop.

Quick back story I was prescribed Xanax first around 7 years ago when I was 19-20 because I was diagnosed with asperger syndrome in 2nd grade and also agoraphobia, social and generalized anxiety and anti social personality disorder. I basically have poor social intelligence. Anyway the Xanax made me tired for the doctor prescribed klonopin instead and it got rid of anxiety without making me tired like Xanax did and worked longer and it helped me attend college. Fast forward 7 years later and I'm in outpatient rehab for coke and opiates that I've used for around 4 years and have been clean since February but I still get clonazepam prescribed as I've never abused it or had a problem with it and it genuinely relieves anxiety and prevents panic attacks and I started with .5mg and kept the same low dose at 1mg twice a day for over 5 years now. My older brother gets clonazepam as well for whatever he's going through and gets 90 a month which is for 3 times a day and also gets them from a different pharmacy so ours are made by different manufacturers and I get 60 for 2 times a day and a lot of the time I finish my script bur only a couple of days early when I end up taking an extra one every here and there to help me sleep but he always has extra ones left and never minded giving me a few for a few days until getting my script because he knows I take less and it's never been an issue. So when I went to rehab and told them I was on clonazepam and showed them my script they were one of the few rehab facilities that could accept me and said it was fine because I'm getting prescribed while most rehabs require you to be abstinent from every single drug. So anyway I get drug tested twice a week and the first few tests I was on my own clonazepams and kept testing negative and thought that they probably weren't testing me for benzos as I was there for different substances and they already knew I was taking it but the first time it showed up is when I was taking a few from my brother's script and I went there on drug test days while on my own script and while on my brother's script and they only show up on the test when I take his and I told my doctor who prescribed it about it and she told me to bring in a copy of the test results for her to see and the rehab facility also started questioning why it wasn't showing up on some weeks, now this is where it gets tricky and I can't tell them that I get some from my brother when I'm running low towards the end of the month and only his show up because then we could both potentially get in trouble so I just told the rehab facility that I didn't know why it was happening and that I was forgetting to take them some days. So these medical professionals think I'm crazy and my brother just tells me to switch pharmacies which I will do next time. But what could be the reason that the c1 clonazepam don't actual test positive for benzos? I'd love to hear some theories!

Im not sure if I fit the criteria for BPD anymore. When I was younger I def fit the criteria. Currently (25 years old) in relationships, I struggle with paranoia that my partner is cheating. It’s hard for me to hold down a job. My mood is stabilized with medications for the most part. And the only impulsivity is cutting my hair or quitting my job on a whim. I suspect my current partner is on the spectrum for aspd. He’s very intelligent and going to school to be a mechanical engineer. I suspect his dad has aspd too. If anyone is into astrology, I’m a cancer and he’s a Pisces. Any feedback on if this could work? He loves animals and seems to have good morals, but reading about aspd scares me. Would definitely appreciate feedback. Thanks :)

i’m a minor in the states, and my parents have been considering separating for some time now. today my mom told me they had decided to not live apart, but she wanted to know my opinion on the matter. my parents are terribly worried about me. she asked if my dad living in the city (we live in the sticks currently), would be beneficial for my mental health. can see friends more, can get out more, able to take the bus to work easier, can walk to school, etc. i said yes, and my dad wants to get an apartment in the city so that it benefits my mental health. he still wants to be with my mom and she wants him with her, just they’d live apart. i feel like i can’t be the reason they decide to live apart. they love each other dearly and are trying their hardest to work things out. i feel like such a dick for being in between them. they want what’s best for my mental health, but i cannot make them sacrifice their happiness for me. i’m just at a loss guys. i feel so guilty and torn.

I feel like the most boring person in the world. At work I just reply with “haha. Yep haha yep” It’s getting worse as I get older, I’m 31 now and I thought I’d grow into myself by now but I feel even more awkward. Now I’m Hyper focused on the way my voice sounds and I feel weird talking. When I talk it doesn’t seem natural because I’m judging the way my voice sounds and experimenting with different annunciations and tones. And I stumble over my thoughts when I try to articulate myself. And on top of that, don’t really have anything to talk to anyone about because I’m so disassociated and uninterested in everything I don’t really have any common ground. I feel like from a social perspective there’s no point of my existence. I contribute nothing and I recognize that. In my head when I’m in my own little world I feel very interesting and intelligent. It just doesn’t translate outside of that realm.

So, I (27f) have been struggling with depression, general anxiety disorder and suicidal ideation for as long as I can remember but was diagnosed in 2014 or so none of these feelings are new to me or anything. Around June, the depression, GAD and SI got so bad from a cocktail of financial issues (debt, not getting paid enough to cover basic bills, etc), job stress and some other personal stuff that to try and alleviate daily breakdowns and suicidal episodes my partner (30m) and I decided to move in together temporarily. We are usually long distance (have been together a little over a year prior to this happening) and in different countries so this was a BIG decision and sort of a last resort. He makes enough money to support us both if we're sharing a dwelling, but it's not a permanent solution as I am unable to immigrate to where he lives due to political/social issues there. I had been living with him for 4ish months and other than a few flare ups/meltdowns things have been great. We compliment each other well and for the most part where I have shortcomings he can cover them and vice versa (errands are a big spoon activity for him but not for me, I struggle with doing dishes he doesn't, things like that). The problem is now I have to go home, the allowance on my visitors visa is running out and I don't want to run into issues with it lest it mean I can't visit at all anymore. And now that I've started to emotionally process that I'm going to lose my stoutest (in person) ally my anxiety has skyrocketed and I've been experiencing side effects I haven't for months now (intense insomnia/lethargy, nausea, migraines and intestinal/digestive issues). I know that there's not anything we can do about it and we'll have to settle for fewer smaller trips to eachother again until either I have allowance for another visitors visa or until he can immigrate here, but either is a year out or more. But other than just to "buck up" I don't know how else to really better weather this change. I'd really rather not just be a mess or go right back to how I was doing before. Also, I realize that this likely all comes off as the "tears of the emperor". I absolutely realize how lucky I am that I have not only a partner who is willing to take care of me in this way but is also able to do this and also that 99% of people are not able to just press pause and try and recover for basically a 3rd of a year. But I'm still just asking for suggestions as I've never really had to develop coping mechanisms for this kind of thing before. I've never been able to rely on anyone this heavily emotionally or generally and am now having a lot of trouble imagining/readjusting to life without them around.

Howdy there, pals! I’m hoping to find people here that are willing to talk with me about their autism diagnosis. I’m especially interested to hear from those of y’all who weren’t diagnosed before the age of 18. I Just turned 30 and have an appointment with my NP about the possibility of me maybe being on the spectrum. My NP was recently diagnosed and i was shocked because I did not know that adults can be diagnosed. I was ignorant and assumed an autism diagnosis exclusively happens during childhood. She has been opening my eyes about the subject and I really want to connect with those that are autistic and bipolar. I am realizing how little I understand what autism is. I am diagnosed with ADHD, generalized anxiety, and bipolar 2 depression. When my NP asked me if I want to discuss me being autistic, I rejected the idea immediately. But I’ve been looking at a lot of social media posts with the hashtag #actuallyautistic and I’m really relating with a lot of stuff I’m seeing. So, pals, care to share your experience with autism? (Do you have a favorite social media page that might help me navigate my potential diagnosis and learn more about autism in general?) Bless yalls hearts and thanks for any response you give!!!!

i find myself thinking about when i was having really tough time with my anxiety and panic attacks ( i still am), like crying all day not being able to relax eat and do simple thing like take a stand up to take a shower are walk for a long period of time without getting dizzy and everything just seem dark. My point is that sometimes i think that i want to feel like that again i know that sounds so crazy even to me i don’t know what wrong with me, i don’t know if it’s my anxiety trying to scared me and trick me into thinking this or if i actually feel like this i want to be happy and i want my life back i don’t know why i feel like this

I am struggling with anxiety since a few months and ist seemed to be better but now that I am alone at home, my anxiety is getting worse… My symptoms are like dizziness and hot flashes (new?). Anyone else no these symptoms?

Can anyone relate? I don’t know why I can’t love myself anymore and why I just incessantly put myself down. Like my life back then was not great compared to now. I was bullied alot (in different stages of my life), my family wasn’t financially stable, and a lot of other traumatic events happened. But I was able to be strong somehow? I had so much self-assurance and self-love even through all the painful experiences. But nowadays I’ve just completely given up. I can’t find the strength physically, mentally and emotionally to love myself anymore. I’ve been through way worse, but these days just the simple task of getting up in the morning is so difficult. When I drive on the road, I always imagine myself speeding up and just crashing into an electric post or a tree or something. If I could I wouldn’t go back in time cus my life was so difficult, but I honestly just desperately miss that strength, that love I used to have for myself. Idk where it’s gone and idk how to get it back 😞

Used to be codependent with this person. Got abandoned out of nowhere. Broke my psyche. Now I can't tolerate seeing anything from them without getting adrenaline-rush that gets me all dizzy, knees weak, heart-pounding etc. Almost just fainted when they unexpectedly texted me. They're not the first person I've developed this reaction to and I'm terrified that it won't be last either Idk. I am ridiculous. I'd love to rebuild or at least find peace with this relationship but I can't even initiate contact like this.

My anxiety has been getting a lot worse lately and I could use some support. I’m a college student, in multiple groups and fairly busy overall, but I want to try to start to implement some coping mechanisms for my anxiety. What suggestions do y’all have? I’m open to trying anything, no matter how random or small it may be. Also, would it be bad to tell people I’m close to (boyfriend, friends, mom) that I need help? I’ve been trying to hide it from them because I don’t want to be a burden, but it’s just too much on my own.

I feel very alone as a black person with this disorder. First of all my parents don't take mental illness seriously at all. My mom's advice is to stop being weak. And she responds with anger to my unexplainable sadness. My stepdad believes that the idea of mental illness negatively affecting one's behavior is "dumb" and that a more logical explanation for depression and rage is that "the devil is in ya. So don't let him have control". This is how they are even after experiencing me being hospitalized for a very serious suicide attempt. It is my understanding that mental illness is not often taken seriously or even understood within the black community, especially with the stigma of blacks being "strong" and not easily overcome with sadness. I have these expectations on me to deal with any and every type of pain without breaking down or seeking help. This is how I've noticed bpd affecting me racially: Though I have experienced my fair share of discrimination and racial hate, I feel that I may also be overly sensitive to some kinds of offensive material and that I may be overly paranoid about the intention of some white people. Overall I do feel that this country is giving me the message that I am unattractive, unloved, and unwanted. It goes without saying that the sufferers of this disorder know how bad rejection affects them and this is a feeling of rejection on a very large scale.When I see the reinforcements of negative black stereotypes everywhere it tends to send me into a deep depression. I can't seem to do anything on the Internet with leisure without being faced with harsh comments of pure hate and disgust towards black females, sometimes even by black males. I notice subtle offensive imagery on TV all the time. It could be as simple as seeing a flat iron commercial showing before images of women (sometimes mixed or black) with big natural kinky hair and the idea is that the hair is ugly when that is how a black woman's hair naturally grows, and then the after images of white and Asian women with long straight hair and the idea is that straight hair is good and beautiful. Not to mention commercials for perms to straighten black hair but no commercials for products to enhance a black woman's natural hair and make it healthy and bouncy. I notice this modern day pop and rap culture and how it seems to praise white women and put down black women. I hate modern day rap and one thing I noticed about these new music videos is that black women are only being sexualized and demonized whereas white women are being praised and treated like upgrades. I don't have to look for the images to end up seeing them and hearing things like this. It adds so much to my preexisting emotional instability. And these "whitegirlsdoitbetter" hashtags and these "studies" on negative black activity and on why black women are not attractive are wreaking havoc on my mind. And of course I feel like it is all affecting me so much more than the average black female because I have this disorder. And no one considers for a second that my unstable behavior could be due to a mental problem. It is only assumed that I'm just another black bitch with an attitude. Just another "angry black woman". Angry for no reason. Two days ago it was discovered that white employees in my department at my job, including brand new employees, were getting paid 50 cents more an hour than all of the black employees in my department, including myself, after I have given 2.5 years of reliable service. I have a reason to be angry. The disorder just makes it worse. I continue to struggle with coping. I am constantly being "triggered". I keep having meltdowns. I keep having outbursts of rage towards my white boyfriend when he seems insensitive towards these issues. And I keep feeling suicidal.

Hello everyone! I understand that I will need to speak with a professional in order to diagnose anything. I am not going to ask for anyone to validate my assumption...especially after noticing this in the rules: " **4.Do not ask for diagnoses and do not ask for nor dispense medical advice** Do not explicitly ask if you have BPD or any other illness. Do not even *implicitly* ask if you have BPD or another illness. Do not ask if or assume that *a friend or a loved one* has BPD or another illness." If I am in violation of the rules in any regard, please feel free to remove this post, and please do so without retribution- as I am a bit of a noob. I simply wanted to ask if it could be that a person with BPD Impulsive subtype might not have all of these symptoms in the description I will paste below. Or rather, is it possible that there are numerous permutations of symptoms in what could be considered a diagnosis? Impulsive Subtype "People with impulsive borderline symptoms can be energetic, charismatic, and exciting to be around. But they are easily bored and are quick to become angry or upset when others let them down (according to their perceptions), and as a result they are frequently involved in conflicts. Impulsive borderline types like to be noticed but also have strong antisocial instincts, meaning they prefer to control the direction of their social engagements. ​ Their need to be the center of attention and avoid boredom can lead them to practice a wide range of risky behaviors. Men and women with impulsive borderline tendencies often act rashly without considering the consequences, and they frequently suffer injuries or fall victim to addiction as a result of their capricious actions." [https://www.bridgestorecovery.com/borderline-personality-disorder/types-borderline-personality-disorder/](https://www.bridgestorecovery.com/borderline-personality-disorder/types-borderline-personality-disorder/)

Hello I have some anger issues and I take medication for them called lexapro, I had a question abt it can it make u look at yourself different like make u feel like your not yourself? Something like that I never know how to explain jt and I just had a recent episode pretty bad one and I thought I should tell u I haven’t been taking the medication can that be another reason why I’m getting worse?