Datasets:

Kanakmi

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mental-disorders

like 9

I was cleared for 2 years now, and it's coming back again. I don't have the capability to seek professional help, I can't financially. I don't want to keep living like this, always on the edge of worrying if tomorrow I will start feeling it again. I thought I healed from it, why is it coming back again? I am so tired of this cycle. It's just too much and my heart feels so heavy and I just want to rip it right out of my chest just to not feel anything. I want to start hurting myself just to transfer the pain into something else, but I worry my workplace will notice it. I can't lose my job nor I can make any bad impressions. I love my students so much and I don't want them to see things like this on me, but I can't handle it anymore. I lost everyone I ever trusted to be there for me. I am once again lost, and I keep on losing. When is this going to end? I don't know what to do anymore. :(

Fact, or fiction? I feel like a bad person but all I do usually is care for someone. I feel hopeless.

It's like my brain is a PC and it's slowing down because there's just too many popup ads. I don't know what to focus on and I can't turn it off. The thoughts are occurring and reoccurring on their own. The thoughts themselves are literally everything and anything. Thoughts about dinner plans, thoughts about stepdaughter's schoolwork, thoughts about birthday plans this weekend, thoughts about whether or not I'm exercising after work. Spiraling. I will try to focus on something, but these thoughts just barge right in and take my attention. Is this an anxiety thing? I think it originally started with analyzing stepdaughter's schoolwork and grew into over-analyzing literally everything. It's like I pushed a button on my brain to plan out my whole week in only a few hours.

So I have this friend of a friend who is going through some stuff with their spouse and they're blaming BPD. They reached out to me because I'm very open about my BPD and I advocate for it to be less taboo. This person thinks they have BPD just because their sister does so they got tested, fine whatever it happens. Their test came back as depression/anxiety, mostly because they don't show any reckless signs/behaviors or emotional instability (that's what they told me). I told them that's really good and at least now we know and they can start proper medication/therapy. Moving on to the advice. They WANT to have BPD. I have told them how debilitating, soul crushing and life ruining it can be. I told them about all those times I've split and how painful episodes can be. No matter what I say, they want BPD because it "explains" their anger outbursts. Idk. Trying to help them has now become a bit triggering to me because I have been fighting my ass off to be "normal" and live a good life for me and my daughter. Am I overreacting? Someone please share their opinions before I lose my mind.

Does anyone else here suffer from irrational and very extreme delusions of low self-esteem? Despite many good things happening in my life and my overall life situation being okay, I am very often convinced that I am an unloveable person and that nobody can help me get through this or convince me otherwise. Even if they somehow manage to, it's always temporary because these feelings come back stronger every time and they are really driving me crazy. They are really unbearable during depressive episodes and when I'm hypomanic they still exist but I am just able to kinda shrug them off. My psychiatrist told me I'm a rare case of being extremely self-aware of my condition and being able to communicate my feelings and well-being very thoroughly and with a lot of detail. But what good does that give me? These dreadful feelings are visceral and counteract any logic I try to use. I feel them very deeply and can't control them. Despite graduating from university recently, I feel like my mental health is hitting one of the lowest lows I've experienced ever in my life. Every single day just feels like existential torture no matter what I do and I don't even know why. Why are these terrible thoughts consuming my brain. I started going outside more, to the gym 3 times a week, stopped masturbating and trying to be as active as possible, but it doesn't help at all. I've already registered for an appointment with my psychiatrist to address my meds and hopefully have a psychotherapy session, also looking into mindfulness and a couple good books to read, but I wanted to know what other people do when they feel like this? I have a few friends that I can talk to about this but it really seems pointless. I don't feel a desire to vent, I need to fix my brain.

My toxic ex cut me off back in November and I started doing better than ever. I was cutting down my meds learning to handle my extra emotions. I was developing a social life, making new friends and getting ready to get back into work. Then I developed a crush on a guy I barely knew. So I began drinking every weekend to seek out male attention to deal with these feelings. Pathetic I know. I was drinking and meeting a new guy whenever possible but they meant nothing. I eventually got to talking to the guy I had a crush on. GREAT. I was so excited and happy and he matched my energy. We texted daily and planned to have a date. But not until he was back from his vacation... with a female friend. My heart sunk. He didn’t want to go on a date before the vacation, why? I presume the girl is a romantic interest. We carried on texting for a couple of weeks. Then he went on his vacation 3 days ago and I’ve heard nothing from him. It’s pathetic I haven’t even been on a date with the guy. But the fact he’s not sent me a single text speaks volumes to me. I got my hopes up for nothing. I’m just being ghosted he’s going to get back and I’m gonna get some lame explanation on why he doesn’t wanna meet anymore. I’ve spent the entire week anxious about a guy who doesn’t even want me just waiting the inevitable rejection. I ruined it before it even started. I’ve spent most of the week high on benzos and I’m drinking all weekend. I’m gonna be heartbroken if he texts me in that time when I’m wanting to go out and have fun. I hate this. I can handle most things with my BPD but feelings and dating have me so skewed. I’m waiting for therapy but can’t afford private and I just wish I wasn’t so broken! I wish I developed feelings like a normal person. I wish I didn’t act out for validation. I wish I didn’t ruin everything. I wish I could switch my brain off. I can’t stop crying about this guy who stopped talking to me. I should be able to handle this it’s a normal thing to happen a guy to go quiet when he’s on holiday but I can’t help but think if he liked me he would have text. I always have 0 feelings or 100. I hate it. I’m so broken I just want a happy healthy relationship someone to share my life with and I don’t think I’ll ever find that.

I think I just hate being bored with bipolar. That's when I get real impulsive and the thoughts start to come in

I’m a first time poster in this group, so I don’t know if this is how people do things here, but I would love some advice or even some reassurance right now if anyone could spare a minute or two. I would appreciate it so much. I’ll try to keep it short - I have extremely low self esteem, very bad social anxiety which even leads to horrible disturbing paranoid thoughts, and yet I have this strong desire to be noticed and liked. I’ve met a guy and he took me to his friend’s party where I meant a bunch of his friends plus others he didn’t know. I was able to get through the start of the night with smiles and lots of head nods and fake laughs - I still so badly wanted to be there and at the same time my discomfort levels were through the roof - social anxiety, the paranoid thoughts all kicks in and by the end of the everybody has noticed and thinks I’m crazy. I’m worried I’ve embarrassed the guy I was with and that he no longer wants to be seen out with me, or that his friends hate me, or both. I’ve spared details but I’m happy to elaborate in comments. I’m just so worried that this anxiety is out of control, it’s ruling my life and leaving it in ruins. I know I’m better than this but it’s getting more and more difficult to relax and be myself. I love some opinions on this, am I worried for nothing? What would you guys think? How do I deal with this kind of anxiety? Thanks In advance

Talked to my fam about it and they agree it’d be a good idea. Not sure if a comfort or service animal would be more beneficial, tho. Anyone have any experience or suggestions?

I keep seeing posts that are like “if u think u have it, u probably don’t” but then I got caught up on reading quiet bpd and I don’t want to self diagnose. All I’m saying is I do embody some of those traits. I’m not physically violent but I am emotionally violent. I go from thinking I am the hottest person in the world and mighty to feeling like dirt and wanting to sink to the ground and disappear. I cuss out my friends and tell them to leave but then I’m surprised and broken when they do and when they don’t run after me. i seriously don’t know what’s wrong. Idk how to bring this up to my therapist.

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Sometimes I feel like I'm getting better and that life has a purpose and I'm optimistic, productive and feel like I finally have something going for me. And I'm like yes, I've finally found myself. Then a few weeks after I'll be like, there's literally no imaginable scenario I can think of that I'd be happy in. Like, no scenario of how I'd want my life to be that I'd be satisfied with. And I'm aware of how depressing that sounds. Then I start splitting on people and want to mostly keep to myself and get irritated by everyone and everything and feel like I'm having sensory overload. And then I start to dissociate and get numb. It's an exhausting cycle really. But I know that I'll eventually start feeling better I guess.. The question of who I am and what I want still remains though. It feels like for a month I'm this energetic, not scared of the world person, the next I'm so lost and the world feels meaningless. And I know my friends are getting so confused by these changes, but I'm too tired and irritated to explain to them. I mean, at least I have friends. But are they real friends? Since no one really knows my exact thoughts, only bits and pieces of some parts of myself I allow people to see. I think I could use some BPD friends.

They change the color of what I’m seeing and I think it triggers my dissociation because I feel like I’m in a different world and my actions have no consequences.

I think the main contributor to my anxiety is not feeling in control and chaos (I’m a teacher). Any helpful tips on not being a control freak?

Gone to the ER with chest pain that was bad enough for me to stop and call 911 Pretty much. Was at home had some CBD. out of nowhere my chest felt like someone punching my heart and it’s beating hard and fast and painful and I got up and was worse. Got into t car and felt even worse that I almost done blacked out and got someone to help me and called 911. ER did these tests and discharged me. I have bad bad bad Anxiety and this felt like something new. I have a cardiologist who did every test and came fine and I complained and they did more and ran out of what to do and this was about 2 years ago. I’m just surprised they let me go. I’m scared now CBC W auto Differential comprehensive metabolic Panel Strep a screen direct W rflex Strep a culture Troponin 1 Urinalysis reflex microscoreflex culture Ekg 12 lead X-ray chest 1vw portabable

anyone really hates the idea of tough love? like it seems like it is just hate or invalidation but sugar-coated with nice words lol. It makes me feel even more shitty about myself

I'm a 19 year old second-year college student at a well known school, have made some great friends that I can rely on now at this point in my life, have gotten pretty good looking lately after putting a lot of work into myself and so i don't struggle with female attention and whatnot, and I have a consistent hobby that I love and am good at too and clear career goals. But, I'm still depressed. I still feel lonely all the time even as I write this in a cafe with two buddies here, and I still feel hopeless. I still feel like I'll always be alone and that no amount of connection or close friendships or relationships can help me. I've been thinking for a bit of time now that I may end up killing myself when I'm older, but I wouldn't do it now because I still have too much life ahead of me to cut my ties now. I tell my friends this and then they all just go "you have so much life ahead of you, you have so much to be grateful for, yada yada", and yeah they're right, but I just feel so miserable so much. I go to therapy and have had a good therapist for about two months now, and that's been very helpful, but not enough I suppose. I just don't get why I can't be happy or at least not miserable like everyone else I know. It's actually so painful lmfao. I'm just hoping someone can give me some insight or anything because I'm starting to not know what to do. thanks guys and gals.

Hey, so I've got a conversation coming up this afternoon (in 4 hours time) with my housemate whom I've not been on speaking terms with for 3 months. He finally agreed to a sit down and we've got 3 mutual friends mediating. Now as much as I would love to get through it without raising my voice at all, or breathing heavily or getting triggered or splitting on one of my friends, we all know that thats a hell of a lot easier said than done. I'm hoping that some of you can pass along some tips for either keeping the rage in check or phrases to use when you need to step back before you unleash on someone. I don't feel like anyone mediating really understands that sometimes the rage isn't even directed at anyone, you're just angry at the situation but a they see and hear is you shouting and looking like you're having what could be viewed as an adult tantrum

Imo the greatest TV show ever made, not only because of Its obvious overall quality writing, cast, phenomenal characters and underlying themes, but because to me on a personal level, it just really resonates and feels so familiar and relatable. Im ofcourse not talking about the mob life depicted, but rather all of the underlying psychological themes and all the colorful, hilarious, awesome, angry, sad and ultimately flawed characters and their dysfunctional relationships. Im on my 6th viewing now and i still love every bit of it! Does anyone else relate? What is your go to TV show?

I am struggling big time and don't want to do it, but my therapist, psychiatrist, the internet can't help me to know what i should do about it. What helps you? They just keep giving me more drugs.

just have been considering, and i think i am going to do it, secretly i am hoping that i get a signal not to do it, but things are really shitty right now, i just want to get over this fucking thing as much as i desire peace i am scared what might happen with it. will the quiet be so loud that all i’ll ever desire is this? i am afraid of what people will think of me, i fear what god will do to me, but as much as i do, all i desire is peace, will i be doomed to spend the rest of my days like this, or the eternity in a lake of fire. sometimes i think i’m in hell because of how i feel, there is nothing worse than this. i just want it to get over. i don’t see a better tomorrow for me anymore, i am hopeless. these might be my last words, i hope you find it amusing somehow.

I’m gonna try keeping this short because I’m not really that interesting lol I’m 17 I’ve been feeling things that are almost indescribable so I tried my best to express them :D I don’t think they collectively fit into any type of mental illness so I made a list!?: 1. I’ve lost my sense of self, I’m don’t recognise myself and I don’t talk and think the same 2. I spiral very VERY quickly. My main example of this is that I only have to go to college 4 days a week, so I have a 3day weekend (yay) which means from Thursday night to Sunday night I am home alone (my mum travels and works a lot). This leaves me time to I guess float around and do nothing. I mean nothing. and talk to no one for 3 days. This leads me to skip school on Mondays or even the entire week 3. I haven’t cried in a while (again will the loss of sense of self, I used to be very sensitive and cry watching like videos of dogs hugging people) 4. I self-harm (lota punching and cutting) and contemplate suicide daily 5. I get overwhelmed in weird ways? Soz lads I legit can’t elaborate on this. I have no clue how to describe that one 6. On a positive note (?) my mood can LITERALLY change in a single day from venting for an entire hour (to myself lol) about shit/useless I am to, I kid you not, LAUGHING WHOLEHEARTEDLY TO A BAD PUN OR DANCING ALONG MUSIC .Might be the most unsettling thing for me on this list 7. I get angry/cranky and get this, imaginably violent????? (Is that even English lmfao) So basically (I’ve always had this but it’s become more persistent/creative in the last few months) I will picture myself (usually my head) being beaten my a baseball bat/a hammer or even these weird kitchen ustensiles, they come with a bowl and are used mush spices (or guacamole?) into pastes. There’s also like shooting myself or running a spear through my chest I’ve also made a list of reasons *why* I think I’m like this(and yes I know that self-diagnose is a big no no but I have no to talk to this about soooooo): 1. No friends/lack of social interactions/stimulation which is causing my numbness- I watch youtube/tiktok videos sometimes (because who has the attention span for whole films, can’t relate) but they’re not as funny/entertaining as they used to be (but still funny) 2. I may have diabetes- im not actually sure if I have it but I’m morbidly obese (always have been) and I read somewhere that diabetes can affect your thinking? 3. Shitty childhood?- lol idk about this one since I wouldn’t consider it trauma (sounds too serious) but my parents did not make it a walk in the park either (messy divorce, some light kidnapping, dragged left and right to equally shitty parents to have full custody of me for 10 years) 4. Plot twist (!) I’m the first of my kind and they will name a mental illness after me😌 (i am joking ofc) Edit: I’ve forgotten to mention I’ve lied compulsively since I can remember, I’ve tried to cut down but it’s still pretty bad (it’s such a norm for me I didn’t realise it might have been relevant! Ha)

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turn off their empathy at will? I can force myself to care deeply but I can also force myself to move past the regret of homicidal thoughts? I’d never kill anyone because I don’t want to go to jail but I know I could and I’d probably not feel a thing if I did. I know it’s normal and I know I need help, but I’m not alone right?

I have no idea why they kept insisting birth control when it made me worse. Was looking into BPD and birth control and came across this link. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/12812862/ It was very interesting to see, but not once did any of my doctor's mention through the years that my BPD symptoms worsened because of the pill, they just switched pills. So I thought I'd bring it here and ask other women with BPD who took birth control what their experiences were like? I gave up on the pill years ago, after trying five different ones, the hell my mind and body went through was intense, I have a new doctor who wants me to take them for PMDD, but I just can't. I've been on various mood stabilizers, anxiety medication, antipsychotics, antidepressants throughout half my life, none of the side effects or not working had me say I wouldn't try another psych med, but birth control really messed me up. Maybe doctor's don't know the pill can worsen BPD?? If you have BPD and the pill isn't making you worse, what are you taking?

I (22M) was diagnosed with chronic depression about 3 years ago. Ever since I was a child, I've felt depressed. I wanted to die by the time I was 11. It took me many years to get a diagnose because my family was very religious and thought I only "needed God" in my life. I haven't been suicidal for months and have been on antidepressants for some years. Today is a very bad day, though. I haven't felt like this in months. Chronic depression usually starts early on and lasts for many, many years. Will I have to deal with this for the rest of my life? Juggling my depression around, running to do something that takes me out of this whole as soon as I start sinking? Will I be like this forever?

wnt isn't much, but today I finally sat down with my boyfriend and discussed my bpd. I have been struggling with trying to do this for weeks from fearing he would get mad at me and leave me. Our relationship has already been strained from a split i had about a month ago. It went a lot better than I expected. None of the bad stuff that I kept thinking would happen did. He really is a great guy and was nothing but supportive. We didn't get a lot of things straightened out and he didn't contribute much to the conversation today. However, he took note of all my concerns and questions with a promise to continue our discussion in a few days when he has had time to think over responses to them.

I know withdrawal cold turkey is horrible from first hand experience but do you still feel slight symptoms if you do it slowly the way a doctor would want you to?

Hi guys hope you are all okay ! I’m just wondering do any of you have tips on how to overcome anxiety ? My anxiety isn’t awful right now but I’m shying away from doing things so it’s not great. I also get anxious and dumb things like anxious that I’m depressed when I’m not maybe low mood sometimes but not depressed. How can I stop this ?

friends recommend things to me like music and books that i only realize years later is immensely helpful to me. its like they read me better than i read myself. the music choice they gave me is stuff that ive clung to, but when i actually take the time to listen to the lyrics, its exactly what i needed to hear. and part of me just knows they knew it would help me, but im not the type that takes help willingly. so i feel duped, like they tricked me into being helped. it pisses me off that i didnt see it coming. and i almost dont want the help now that i know thats what they were trying to do

It feels like for years ive made significant improvement with anxiety but my clenching keeps getting worse . I cant stop clenching my teeth all day and it makes them constantly hurt. Im only 21 but im scared ill start loosing teeth. Any advice? Im to a point where I don't even notice myself doing it till I have to resist.

Everyone procrastinates, it's not a bpd thing, i know. I'm not making excuses. Just wondering to myself why is it so goddamn hard to snap out of it. The more i procrastinate the more depressed i am, it's frustrating. I need to work on something that needs to be done by Tuesday. But i have been procrastinating since yesterday. I don't have anything better to do. But i'm stuck in this "daydreaming" state like my mind is not even here right now. It's hard to explain, i either can't or wont focus. I got distracted easily too :( Anyone else like this? It's funny little thing like this makes me suicidal. It's in the back of my mind, but no. Just feeling guilty

Yesterday I saw a bunch of flies buzzing around my head but no one else I was with saw them. It could of been because i was sleep deprived all week and had just been using a psychoactive (weed) 30 minutes prior but I hadn't had this specific hallucination in months The last time was 5 months ago. I've also been more paranoid lately, mostly about bugs. I haven't been diagnosed with any psychotic disorders, I've only been diagnosed with clinical depression and anxiety disorders. This could also be because 3 weeks ago I did LSD. I'm scared I could be developing schizophrenia and my use of psychoactive drugs just sped it up.

All of three(depression, introversion and ADHD) have a lot of things in common. And please not, mostly, all people effected have decreased "frontal lobe"(front side of the brain). Hence, not just mentally but also physically we are similer... About 20% to 30% of world population.. So, if you want to find someone whose like you, don't look at your relatives or coworkers, find some one who has one of these 3 mental condition...

I know it’s intense, even scary, to feel so many things, to spiral and feel out of control. There will be days where it gets really hard, where you feel really down, lonely, sad, anxious, on the verge of going crazy, but those moments, like all moments will pass. I’m learning not to fight it. I’ll allow myself to cry amidst the confusion and also the joy. I’m an amazing, super self-aware, hyper-sensitive, intuitive, emphatic person. I am so, so, so blessed to feel the full depth of human emotion for it allows me to see the world in a way that no one else can. I see the breadth of its beauty and I’m able to appreciate it so much more. I’m learning to accept that this is not a deformity or an imperfection… it’s a part of me. And who I am, is everything and nothing. I don’t have all the answers but life is a discovery and a journey I’m courageously going through.

I feel reasonably good at the moment, but for some reason I don't trust it. It's not like I feel manic, or out of control - just relaxed and not unhappy. Am I just persuading myself that I feel good when I really don't feel that way? Maybe I'm just not used to feeling ok any more and the novelty makes me distrust myself. Am I just too wrapped up in myself and in obsessive reflection? Should I just enjoy a sunny day, so to speak? Even if I'm whistling past the graveyard is it something I should consider a problem if the result is a good one? If it was a moral action, I'd be content with the result even if the motive was flawed. I just have to wonder if I should be confronting some kind of denial... I am so weird. I should just be grateful, right?

Honestly, I find life insufferable. Perhaps it’s my own fault as I I’m currently living my life locked away from the world as a defence/form of protection, but everything bores me. I’ve done all of the stuff that most people do to have “fun”. Nothing excites me and I hate it! I’m in a relationship that usually fills me with joy and the closest thing to happiness I can feel but suddenly it’s grey like the rest of life... I’d love to find something that makes me feel something, even the small things.

I don’t know what I need, I feel like I have to talk to someone but at the same time I don’t want to be a burden so I’m like stuck in limbo or something. I just feel like a giant mess

Happy Valentine’s Day yall. Hope you’re doing well. Today I thought about my ex who said I was the love of his life and that we would get married one day. We lived together. I also relocated far away from my family and friends to stay with him. I also had a severe mental illness or two comorbid (not diagnosed with BPD at the time but diagnosed with depression and anxiety). He could have married me so that I could get health insurance. Obviously, no one owes anyone this. However it basically could have made our relationship problems go away and would have made me stop suffering. Wouldn’t you do that for the love of your life/someone you were saying all this intense shit to? I would have done it for him if our situations were reversed. Granted, I was a monster, but I’ve since gotten health insurance and I’m fine now because I’m in therapy and on meds. But knowing him and how he talked about love, and how love is the most important thing in the world and how he would make any sacrifice for it, I know it came down to my mental illness being a source of shame for him. He talked about me potentially being hospitalized like it was a bad thing that reflected badly on me. And he said I was lazy when I was actually severely depressed.... he basically didn’t respect, trust, or love me. And that is why he wouldn’t marry me so that I could get health insurance, something I would even do for someone I was just good friends with. I mean he had me on his life insurance. Ultimately it doesn’t matter I guess I just feel shitty because the realization that this guy never loved me comes with the realization that no one ever has. No ones ever really even cared about me tbh except my sister. He’s married to someone else now I think, someone who’s like the idealized version of me that I know he wanted me to be but I never was and wouldn’t want to be. So...good for them I guess. I don’t know why I’m posting about this except I just have a lot of confusing feelings and cried about this but then after I cried I was kind of like “who gives a shit.”

i have trouble with empathizing with people. i get very uncomfortable and often don’t know what to do when my friends are experiencing negative emotions (i still do my best to help them, of course). however, i care very much about how my friends think of me. i enjoy being in their company, so i want them to continue to enjoy being in mine i guess? every time i accidentally offend them in some way my i rarely think “oh no i hurt them!” and more of a “oh no, i did something wrong and now they will not like me. i should rectify the situation so they aren’t mad at me anymore,” and often go above and beyond to do so. like i just tend to genuinely not feel anything when others are in distress, but i recognize that they are and act accordingly so i can help them get out of it. however due to other aspects of bpd i often end up feeling like it’s my fault because ‘why aren’t they happy yet’ and end up taking it out on myself as to not hinder them or give them something that would dissuade them from being my friend. and in terms of other people, i want interactions to go as smoothly as possible so i want to keep our relationship good. idk i’ve never seen anyone else speak on this and i was wondering if anyone else did this too?

Yeah, the diagnoses revelled a lot.... lets say =D

My ex and I are cordial and working to be friendly again but I’ve just been so *tired* I know he’s trying to reach out and put in effort to connect but the most I can do is respond. I can’t get myself to be enthused or initiate with him and he’s definitely pulling back. By the time I feel better, I know it’ll be too late but I can’t get ahead of it…

Legit. They just ruin my mood and everyone else's. I'm honestly scared that I'll eventually fuck things up with my current gf just like I fucked up my previous relationships

I was given a 2nd chance at university but stupid me didn't take it seriously, stupid me kept procrastinating and left it at the last minute. Stupid me doesn't deserve a chance and should die. I think I'll do that this month. I'm so tired of failing because I keep making the same fucking mistakes. Everyone around me is just succeeding but I fail. I know the method of dying. Drowning seems painless. I just need to do it before the water is gone.

This is not asking for a diagnosis, I'm asking what you THINK this could be. I'm not sure myself and I don't wanna tell a psychologist what goes on in my head. Everyday I hallucinate things and recently it has gotten worse. It often requires me to take not a second take but 3 or 4 takes before I realize I was hallucinating Heres an example, I would be sitting down next to a plant and this plant would morph into a little girl out of the corner of my eyes and I would keep looking to make sure it isn't a girl about 2-3 times. I've had struggles with mental illness in the past with severe OCD when I was 9 years old. I never got medicated for it and with time I learned how to control it. At times I go into a extremely euphoric mania followed by instant depression seconds after. I also have had psychotic thoughts and I've planned out murders in my own head before, even coming up with a plan B and plan C. I also get lost in fantasy easily. It sometimes becomes hard to tell reality from fantasy, because in my head I would imagine me being in a scenario.. And in real life I would act out the scenario and start talking to what I think would be actual people.. But then I catch myself talking to literally nothing. I love fantasies... I've seen my symptoms match up with schizotypal personality disorder, and my father has a personality disorder but he never told me what it was. But I am making this post as a I am not sure Mental illness and drug addiction run in my family too. I grew up around drugs and I at one point when I was around 6-7 had to call 911 on my Dad because he overdosed. He's better now FYI. I also have social anxiety pretty badly even though I'm not a bad looking guy, no need to delve deeper about S.A as it speaks for itself. I've had many delusions, but my biggest one was for a year I thought t I was being watched and hunted by the FBI and always used to look out my window, think cars would be coming after me.. etc I have self harmed before but not in the sense that I liked or wanted to numb emotional pain, I don't. I just see my arm as a canvas, the knife as a paint brush, and the markings as my work of art. At night I get the sense that a evil presence made of pure evil is following me, toying with me, and feeding off of my fear. The littlest sounds at night scare me, I have a huge fear of the dark because that is where I sense the evil. I even hear things at night, voices whispering my name, random absurd sounds etc. I also have the belief that I have psychic powers, and I still believe I do. I also can see certain numbers and saying or anything simple and my mind turns it into something that has more meaning. Certain numbers are special to me, especially 3, 6 & 9. If anybody is curious, I do use drugs. I use Weed nearly daily, and LSD every couple weeks. I don't touch pills anymore and haven't touched them in many months. All of these progressing symptoms led me to believe that my mental illness is getting worse and I am becoming more unstable by the day. What could this possibly be? Or how can I help it?

i have no fucking idea what i’m supposed to say or how i’m supposed to scan the stupid card, i’m freaking out because im sure i’m gonna mess up and embarrass myself

for awhile, i’ve been having thoughts like these. i’ve spoken to my therapist, and i can’t really say she’s said much. i’m trying to make it become a bigger topic, but these thoughts seem so weird, and i’m not sure how to deal with them. it’s really extreme stuff too, i don’t see anyone forgetting. like i will literally sit there, and be like “what if i cheated on my boyfriend, and just don’t remember it” you people reading this, probably think i’m so stupid, but it can’t just be me

Whenever I have to make a call to my doctor, restaurants, manager, bank, grocery store, etc I always have to make a script. By script I mean literally write out everything I am going to say and practice for at least 10-20 minutes before making the call. I’m usually fine with talking to people in person, but phone and Zoom calls really scare me. Does anyone have any advice for me? I really want to be able to talk To people without having to practice and read off of a script.

After a hellish 3 years and four hospitalisations, my psych thinks it's time to wean off one of my mood stabilisers. I'm on lamotrigine and lithium. He asked me if I had a preference which one. I'm thinking lithium because of the weight gain/liver stuff. What would you guys pick? Please no comments comparing my journey to yours e.g "lucky you, I'm stuck on both for life". I've worked really hard to get where I am and don't need the negativity. And yes I do trust my psych to make this decision. I also take an antipsychotic and anxiolytic. I don't take antidepressants cuz they make me manic.

I’ve been having really high anxiety for the last while, and now it’s main manifestation is hyperventilation. I become fixated on my breathing and it leads to me feeling the need to breath faster, thus hyperventilating. Anyone here who’s dealt with this before, how do you help it go away? Any tips? It’s pretty bad right now.

I’m currently feeling very anxious after waking up at 2am and having a panic attack. My health anxiety has been really bad recently. Is there anyone that wants to just talk atm to distract me before I manage to sleep again?

It suddenly feels like I've never been loved. Or at least, I've never experienced love. From my father, mother, friend, bf... Like everybody is faking it around me, showing love just out of sheer pity. I don't think about why the other person is loving me. I just don't accept it when affection is coming. Later I realise that certain gestures are showing love but at that time I didn't receive it. And post this too, I don't receive it. Seems fake to me

I'm a guy. I think I'm ugly but all of my experiences tell me I'm good looking. For instance, girls always compliment me and call me cute. Guys always tell me I look like I pull a lot of women. One guy even recently told me "you know why she's interested in you? because you fucking look like Brad Pitt". My mother always tells me I should be a model. Women always come up to me and dance with me in clubs. I get a lot of Tinder matches. Etc. Do I have borderline personality disorder?

Lifes been great recently, almost done with this semester, works not bad, talk to my friends daily. So why am i falling into this hole. Nothing is fun all my games i love to play are boring, my last few days just consist of me going to working going home going to bed hours earlier than normal . Ik my friends love and care for me but it feels like since im always the one reqaching out no one cares and i dont wanna bother any of them with this. Im just so confused and scared ik whats going to happen next but i dont want it too I dont want to do anything i just wanna stop existing. What am i supposed to do about this i've never been diagnosed because im afraid itll hurt my job search in the future (was discharged from the Air Force for this reason) so i dont have meds, i've never tried them so idk if they would help, therapist in my area are 45+min away and pretty shit. Can't say anything to my father or step mother because they'll overact and put me in a hospital again. I just want to be happy and be able to enjoy my life, today was my first day off in a little and i wasted it in between laying in bed and sitting in front of my pc doing nothing. I dont have anyone else to reach out to so i'm making this anonymous post, I don't go on reddit so idek if this is a good place to post this or whatever im just scared man

I was hospitalized last week and I had to spend a week there. While I was there I met someone and we became friends but now I think it’s getting unhealthy and I ruined a friendship for myself. I also have a partner so this makes me want to just end the friendship for both my partner and their sake. It doesn’t feel like a normal crush at all so I don’t think it’s that. I’m just not sure how to go about this? Do I talk to the friend and explain why we shouldn’t see each other? Do I tell my partner? They know I met them and have been talking to them. Any advice is appreciated. Thank you.

I feel like I'm going crazy here. I just moved to a new city and usually am lonely in the evenings and I feel like this is causing me to panic over every muscle pain or cough or anything off and I keep spiraling and now I feel like I have to google my symptoms to reassure myself but I usually end up feeling worse and then I'm not sure if my symptoms are because of anxiety or are a real thing. I can't really afford the doctor so I want to wait until I go back to my hometown to go to the doctor but I'm afraid of dying alone in this city. I feel like I just have too much time on my hands in the evenings as I feel fine during the day. I just wondered if anyone has any advice for this?

Does anyone have information/personal experiences taking lamictal while pregnant? I would like to conceive a child (eventually) and I can’t imagine going off my medication to do that, especially with the other hormone changes that I can expect during that time.

So I decided I wanted to go to a mental hospital to get some help so I went to ask my older sister if she's ever been to a mental hospital, she has, so I knew she would be a good person to ask I asked her about it and She told me "you can only wear certan clothes" and "They give you shots to calm you down when your aggressive" so now I'm a little scared

Earlier today I went to work, I’m currently qualifying for a new position, so someone else is taking over my old position. To put it simply, he sucks at that position, very badly, to the point where he was clearly struggling and had multiple people struggle to help him. Now I’m somewhat friends with the guy so what thoughts I had about it I kept it to myself. However I’m better friends with his girlfriend, she’s one of the few friends I have that I actually like, so I texted her that I thought the situation was kinda funny. She responded by saying that that’s kinda dickish, I responded back by saying that I wasn’t trying to be a dick (I didn’t think him struggling was the funny thing, what I found funny is how my bosses have to try and replace me, since I was literally the best one at that position in the building, this wasn’t in any of the texts). Now I’ve been wondering all day if she’s mad/annoyed at me for saying that because I haven’t heard from her all day

But I can’t ever know if I am because in my mind I always think I’m overreacting. I don’t think I deserve to made to constantly be a burdensome wife who can’t do anything right, but am I overreacting or causing it? I’ve tried to read up on articles and I see myself falling into categories about the abuser and the abused, and I can relate to some in each. I feel like a lot of my behavior though is based on not getting him to blow up in anger. Idk what to think. 😒

I've tried many drugs but I'm sick the same, I can't take it anymore

Everytime I(mid 20s) get knocked down its gets harder to get back up. I was pushed out of a PhD program a few years back by an bad advisor. Got into a new program eventually, but I had to move and really struggled with PTSD from the first advisor. Then the pandemic hit. I never really got over the trauma of the first PhD. This year my grandmother died in spring. Then my dad died unexpectedly months after her. Then two months later an aunt died, and my childhood dog had to be put down. Also this guy who I had feelings for and he gave lots of mixed signals. He told me that "it wasn't me it was him" and he had trust issues and wasn't wanting a girlfriend. We spoke near every week for years and he knew I still had feelings, and I told him if he ever changed his mind about wanting a girlfriend let me know. Then I found out from a mutual friend that the guy had a girlfriend. I felt so used and naiive. I know he didn't owe me a date, but I figured he would of given me a heads up. I feel so small, worthless, and unimportant. Oh and to top it off that same guy I liked also put my abusive PhD advisor on his committee, after I asked him not to and when he had other choices. But he also didn't tell me that, again someone else told me. I can be forgiving, to the point of being a pushover. But he didn't even respect me enough to tell me himself. Though this is probably my fault, I should of never liked him or gotten close. In hindsight, he was a walking red flag. Immature, insensitive, and selfish and always was the victim. In the beginning of the situationship he brought out the best in me, but now he only brings about the worse in me since his actions feed into my insecurities. I have cut him out of my life entirely. To be honest he probably doesn't even care or notice. I don't have friends at my new school for various reasons. I have a bunch of friends elsewhere, but I want in person connections, not just digital. I have asked friends & my siblings to visit but they can't for various reasons. The soonest is might be Christmas. It seems like every other week this year has a new hurtful moment. And I'm alone. I'm starting to lose interest in stuff. Becoming paranoid that everyone is lying to me; even when they probably not. I'm becoming more willing to argue with people, and saying things I shouldn't and feeling regret later. Overreacting to small problems. Just becoming someone I hate. I just need the world to stop for a moment so I can rebalance myself.

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I'm debating whether or not to see a psych bc I was prescribed 60 mg cymbalta for a medical condition and it helps my social anxiety but is worsening my emotion dysregulation and suicidal thoughts. I have ASD and probably NPD. I wish they would let me try lamictal but I feel that that's unrealistic without a clear BPD diagnosis or bipolar. I'm worried they'll push antipsychotics and I hate the fact that SSRIs can take 6 months to cause weight gain and the weight gain can continue for years so i hate the uncertainty and not being able to stop suddenly

Today was the day (I thought it was Wednesday but it was Thursday all along). I made through the appointment. It was really damn hard. It wasn’t a fun time at all. But I feel like they got a good idea of where I’m at in life right now. I got into the extended care program but I won’t start until 6 months from now. I was told that I need to get it if the house more, talk to more people, try to make new friends, just reach out and try to be my own person. I did mention that I’ve seen him before and we talked about what I mentioned to him when I first met him, and why I abandoned the program last time around. We talked about why I cut out my family and the situation with my husband and how I have no friends or a job. He kept insisting that I’m anorexic (???) and that I was in an eating disorder program (again, ???, I’ve never been in an eating disorder program!!) but overall I’m glad that he was there to catch me on my bullshit and tell it to me straight. I’m kind of sad I wasn’t prescribed anything because I need meds to function at this point, but whatever and, I guess I’ll try even harder to pull myself together.

Currently a 29yr male who has been dealing with BPD for over a decade. My romantic life has been the same story of intense love, fear of abandonment, distrust, drinking and outbursts until we split up. I’ve been dating a beautiful girl for about a year now and I get that familiar feeling of all encompassing anxiety of her cheating on me. When I am rational I KNOW she is not the type to cheat on me and she loves me deeply, but I am always suspicious. If she even sounds slightly tired or muffled when saying I love you back to me on the phone I instantly think she is with another man and trying to be quiet about it, and I will spend the next four hours pacing in a jealous rage trying to bring myself down. She has never cheated on me nor given me any indication that she is in fact doing so. I am afraid that my emotions are going to become a self fulfilling prophecy and she will not be able to handle me anymore. This girl has inspired me to quit drinking and pursue my old passions in life instead of sink into further depressions, how can I cope with such intense feelings?

A month or so ago, my therapist diagnosed me with GAD, and suggested me to go to anxiety classes. Recently, I learned about the coping mechanisms of anxiety. It was atonishing how a lot of the coping mechnism were true for me and how detrimental it is to my life and my relationship with people around me. Yet I feel as if its a little late to fix some of the relationships and it saddens me that it took me so long to try and fix myself. To overcome my fears, to stop the thoughts and the avoidance excuses. Although it is validating and amazing to finally understand and try to overcome this whole anxiety mindset I have. It also saddens me tremendously, its like I feel as if I'm at rock bottom if I don't fix things that weren't suppose to be scary in the first place. That I should've believed what people say instead of assuming and thinking the negative. In terms of life, I am trying my best to get out of my comfort zone. People make it seem so easy yet I'm extremely afraid of doing so in certain situations. While for friendship or relationships, I've been afraid to approach people let alone date. I also make excuses that I'm not interesting, or our values don't meet, or assuming whether this person is like this or that and the list goes on. Just all bassed on assumption scenarios, not facts. In reality, I was just afraid of what one would think of me even if they knew all the gory details. I still get anxious thoughts. Blinded by the fog of anxiety, I didn't realize how people just accepted me and stilll love me for me. Ultimately, it was excuses to avoid the unpredictable. An avoidance tactic if you will, but I didn't realize that was essentially what I do when I'm afraid and overthink many things that makes it more scary than it really was. Sometimes I hate myself for thinking like this even when everyone tells me its okay and its understandable. That they will love me either way, and yet I couldn't see that for myself. Its not that they lacked anything, it was me. I 've been told it suffocates people, and I assume it most likely hurts people when I assume things that aren't true. It makes me feel incredbly sad that it took me so long to understand my coping mechanism.. Maybe its a little late to fix that one relationship...

My anxiety has been having affects of my mental recently, throughout the last few days I always over think like “ how do I know this word or were did I learn it from” “ or trying to find a memory in my brain and remembering what happened to make sure my brain is working good. It’s been very scary recently and was wonder if you guys experience the same thing, I’m scared my brain might be broken. I’m planned on telling my doctors tomorrow wish me luck.

Does anybody get anxiety when someone is nosey/asks too many questions? My bf and I just moved into our condo and our neighbor seems a little *too* friendly. At first she just seemed super sweet and we would text a lot and stuff but she asks a lot of questions and it’s adding to my anxiety. I don’t know if it’s just like a convo starter for her or she just doesn’t see a problem with it. But she’ll randomly ask how old we are, when our birthdays are, where we work, and don’t get me wrong we talk about other stuff too, just kinda freaks me out. Am i totally being ridiculous and is this my anxiety talking?

I think this is more of just wanting to put it all out there into the world, for the first time. I'm 49, have major depression with suicidal idialogy and multiple anxiaties, along with constint pain in back, one hip and neck, low thyroid, extremely low tystostione, bad sleep apnia, very high blood pressure even with meds, and host of other issues. I have tried and had anywhere from minor to major side effects to 8 antidepressant. Am on welbutran, but it just kinda helps with apitite and energy and not much else, mostly because if I go any higher than a starting level I have seizures. I've also had bad side effects with 10 blood pressure pills, seem to finally be on a mix that I don't, but blood pressure is still considered high. Even through state services I can't get a psychologist appointment, and have had a therapist for a few months before I moved to leave a bad marriage. It helped a bit, but it's hard to find a therapist you fit with, and harder still with suicidal idialogy and anxiety of abandonment and strangers. As far back as I can remember I've had both, like to before middle school even. Though it got far worse after my first marriage ended in my 20s and I became a single father. She was super manipitive (as was my second wife in my 40s), and I made my son my priority over my mental health. I always feel useless, hopeless, pointless, lost, don't matter, and not enough, to one dagree or another. Over 40 years feeling like this takes its toll, and really at this point, don't see and end to it, ever. If you have ever seen "what dreams may come" with Robin Williams, that is what I think life after suicide would be like, a prison of self dispare we will trap ourselves in, but I'm afraid at some point I'll decide that's how it's going to be anyway, so why not. I've tried 4 serious times, many more not really serious. Strangulation, and aspirin. The last is food, eating nothing but the worst foods and a lot of it, perposly. 12 pack of soda a day, tons of salt on fatty and junk dinners, full family pack of double or triple stuff orios for dinner, all 8 frozen baritios, I think that gives an idea. I got up to 400 pounds from 250 in less than a year. Then meet my soon ex wife and lost just over 100 pounds over 6 months. The welbutran helps a lot with the cravings, but also the thoughts of eating so much too. Even though life is for the most part good right now, I still can't stop thinking, what's the point? Of anything? Of all of it? If life is just suffering, then why don't more people seem to? And if life isn't supposed to be suffering, then why is it impossible for me not to?

Hey everyone! I remember someone awhile back posted about a BPD playlist. I went to Spotify and added a lot of the songs to a playlist and added a few of my own suggestions. If you want to look it up my profile name on Spotify is Ari Suhre and the playlist is called BPD. Im so sorry if I forgot to add your song(s). Comment below if I missed something you want added to the playlist! ❤️☺️

i get stabbing head pain often, but rn i'm getting it for longer. it's been happening for the past 15-20 minutes and i've been getting a wave of it every few minutes for a couple of seconds. i'm super nervous. normally they don't last this long.

im 32 and literally have never been able to hold a group of friends in my whole life without getting kicked out for more than a year. got this new group of friends and things already going south in few months. Already had a mental breakdown with the guy and he is super right wing and he told me to toughen up the first couple times but now i think he is done with me and isn't replying to my texts anymore. Girl 1 of the group is kinda the leader, but I absolutely despise her but i have no choice but to deal with her and she has insulted me so many times girl 2 of the group is brainwashed by girl 1 and she was kind of a mother figure to me but now she is not texting me back either. i feel like they are all conspiring against me or something like "he's crazy we should just stop talking to him" and this has happened with pretty much every friends group i have had so its not just all in my head

Coming from an Asian household, I've been told to become a doctor since the age of 4. The constant pressure for good grades led me to repeat my senior year of highschool, drop out of university, graduate from a local college, and then re-enroll to another program (then drop out) since my parents hated the program I graduated from. I want to thank them for the support they showed. Especially when they called me useless, dumb, an embarassment, and how they would disown me. Now I'm 28 years old with a fairly decent working from home job that I may get fired from since I've ignored my workload due to cycling back into a depressive state. I now purely cope by playing video games and jerking off. I live everyday day dreaming and at the same time regretting my wasted youth. All the while my parents look at me with disdain and remind me whenever they can about how I ruined my life. That's the end of my TED talk. Fuck my life man.

I’ve always wondered why people always told me that living in your twenties is the best part of your life. As a guy in his early twenties in college. They were completely wrong. It’s like as soon as I turned 18 people did not really care about what I had to say about anything. But women around my age get treated with way more respect. I realized that as a young man in my early twenties people don’t actually seem to have empathy or care about anything you say because men are mostly judged off of what they can do and not actually by their personality. I’ve realized that in a way I have to be alone so I can focus on proving my value so I can get basic respect.

I’ll put you on a pedestal, you’re an angel in my eyes. We will be together forever or until one of us dies. I’ll be who you want me to be or what I think you do. I’ll mirror your personality and I would seriously do anything for you. I’ll love you with everything I have, protect you with all that I’ve got. I won’t let anyone get in between us, or at least that’s what I thought. But there wasn’t any other person, just another side of me. I thought you were leaving so I started to split, you see. Terrified of the pain if that were to happen, you were my life and all that I knew. Without you, what would I be? Or who? Maybe I do need help, but I’m certainly not evil. Still hearing that was unquestionably lethal. Your words cut like a knife, oh how deeply that hit. It’s like you never understood me, not even just a little bit. So like a switch, I turned it all off and all I felt was resentment. I can tell you now, I was not feeling contentment. It not just a breakup but a loss of a favourite person. It’s like you died and my life possibly couldn’t worsen. Like the 7 stages of grief, I’m struggling to accept it. It seems I won’t have anything that lasts, but with BPD that’s expected.

Tuesday I was up early absolutely motivated did great work all day. The next day I just stayed in bed, even taking medicine that makes me sleep for hours just so I could have a break from life, didn't speak to anyone, felt little to nothing. How do I go from caring and loving to cold and numb all the time, motivated to not wanting to live anymore. It's exhausting and feeling like I have no idea who I am or what my true feelings about anything are so it's difficult to make decisions and decide what I should focus my attention on. I have so much anxiety about it atm. Sorry for rambling I just had to share, can someone tell me if you ever feel the same?

Most of my depression has stemmed from my anxiety. I’ve always been the happy one in my friend groups and family. I don’t want them to worry about me, but I have anxiety about telling them and thinking if I tell them they’ll leave.

So currently i’m undiagnosed bpd i have my assessment next month but i feel 110% this is what i’m struggling with. I find it extremely hard to cope with separation anxiety i.e. my bf will tell me he can’t make it to see me (he comes to see me daily) and i flip out crying hysterically and begging him to help me. I would appreciate if anyone could suggest some good coping skills to help until i can start therapy

I met a new therapist last night, he asked that question and it totally stumped me. I am an artist and I'm shocked I've never tried to visualize it as a creature/shape/physical manifestation.. so I am curious to know: what do you picture your anxiety as?

Like i talk to and complain about most things and basically it's like seeing a one mans show where every single line said is done by the same person. there are rhetorical questioned that are then answered almost immediately by that same voice and it's like a distinct voice and if i close my eyes i can almost picture the person it's coming out of the more i wrote the more i realized how not normal this sounds what's wrong with me?

I have been diagnosed with dysthymia recently. I thought I had autism or schizoid personality disorder all the time until I visited a very experienced psychiatrist. He saw me three times until he came to the conclusion that I was suffering from dysthymia. So, I got married five months ago. I didn't have any honeymoon phase and still don't feel anything toward anyone. This is what makes me worried. Otherwise, I don't have any problem with this in a world full of suffering. Dysthymia makes me immune to all kinds of emotions, so negative emotions don't affect me at all. However, I will have a kid soon, and I want to treat my condition before he arrives in this world. I want to feel that amazing moment and give him all the love I can and don't want my condition to be a barrier between my family. If anything has worked for you, please tell me in a comment. It can be medicine or anything else.

[H](https://youtu.be/mbwxt_iQuGU)ey guys, So I decided to make a Youtube channel discussing my experience with BPD and I really think I can offer some help on the matter. I wish for this post not to blocked for self advertisement as my intention is more about offering help than to gain benefit from the few views I'd get. [https://youtu.be/mbwxt\_iQuGU](https://youtu.be/mbwxt_iQuGU)

Next week, maybe the week after I will be starting at my old job again. I left, thought I was done and could retire. Then, my plan failed. I'm now broke, lost in paperwork, and trying not to be mad, frustrated, or cry. What if I can't stay at work due to the anxiety and panic? Right now, I'm in an OK spot. But, I can't go to work from beneath my safety blanket with my cat on my chest. I'm going to start therapy Tuesday. The session is scheduled. I want to be well. I've been scared for 40 years. I'm exhausted. I'm lonely. And I don't like it. I am trying to get well.

The last two days, I raged hard. Yesterday at my BF/FP, and today on my mother. I'm used to arguing with my boyfriend, it doesn't make it right. But I literally was screaming, and then crying over the guilt. Even today, I feel like I went too far last night. I fear he'll wind up hating me, and the idea of him hating me is worse than the idea of us breaking up. I never want to break up, I never wanna lose that man, I love him to bits. He drives me crazy, and triggers me more than anyone else on this earth, but I'm also crazy for him. Yet I'm terrified I'm gonna drive him away. It's clear he's becoming fed up with my shit. When we argue it's toxic -- not just from my side, but it is usually toxic from my end too. I don't ever wanna push him away, but I'm afraid that's exactly what I'm doing, and I'm not just gonna wake up tomorrow and be 'normal.' I worry when I have these outbursts that he'll realize he can't handle me, and doesn't wanna deal with me, and he'll just walk away one day. But I'm even more terrified that I'll make him hate me, and that's the last thing I want. As for my mother, I made her cry today. I didn't mean to, she started crying simply because I didn't do what she wanted me to, and felt like when I tried explaining to her how to do it, so she is able to do it herself in the future, I was being sarcastic, I wasn't. But her reply to me through her tears set me off. "I don't ask you to do too much for me, but I do a lot for you." While that is true, it felt like she was throwing it up in my face, which she throws a lot of shit in my face, and this time I actually snapped back. I had no problem doing that particular thing for her, but thought maybe if I explain how to do it, she'd learn for herself. I can't do it every single time. This then escalated when I told her to pull the car over while she was crying because it wasn't safe for her to be driving while she most certainly didn't have the clearest vision. She started sobbing telling me not to hold it against her, my emotions get the best of me too. She pulled over 10 mins later saying "Get out," I wanted to walk the rest of the way home, so it didn't bother me, but when she seen me take off my seat belt she was like "I'm just joking! If you get out of this car, do not come back to the house." I then felt trapped, which made me even more angry. When I got home after all of it, I just had to cry. I feel like a shitty daughter, and a shitty girlfriend. I feel like it'd be just so much better for everyone if I just disappeared. Working on yourself as someone with BPD is a longgggg process, and while in some ways I've improved, other ways, like easy to anger, has not improved and when I blow up... at that moment, it's like the only emotion that exists and just takes over. While I'd love for them to be empathetic and not hold anything against me, I can't blame them if they do and if my mom kicks me out, or if my boyfriend breaks up with me, or ends up hating me... I feel like I'd deserve it and just hate myself even more for it.

There’s so much going on in my life I don’t even know where to begin I tried writing to clear my thoughts but everything is such a mess I feel like what I wrote isn’t even understandable there’s no therapist here that are worth a damn. I hope something works out i have two kids that need me and this is just getting out of hand I gotta fix my life….

My bf and i have been together for almost 3 years now (ldr) and have met up around 3 as well. He seemed so perfect to me the second i met him and vice versa. throughout our relationship theres been many ups and downs. ive only recently been diagnosed and when we found out a lot started making sense and things were getting better. i know progress isnt linear but i cant stand the days where its all just going downhill then perfectly fine the next day. he’s told me that he loves me and wants to support me but the person i am when i have episodes scares him and its mentally draining. im trying so hard to get better but at what cost if im hurting him in the process. hes my fp and i dont want to lose him but i cant tell if im being selfish. he said he doesnt want to leave me and reassures me of that but i feel so bad. i told him if i have another bad episode that i’ll take it upon myself to leave so i dont hurt him anymore. not hurt physically but emotionally etc. im really trying but it hurts so bad and i dont know what to do here

I was discussing how I’m talking to a doctor and they mentioned I could possibly have OCD, ADHD, depression and/or anxiety and they were just talking crap about the person who told me that, and they just argued with me the entire time about everything. For example I said I had to get a referral from them to get into a neuropsychologist and they argued that I didn’t, and that this type of psychologist won’t help me and I need to get into therapy for over a year before I can be diagnosed with anything, and just overall arguing literally everything I say. It really upset me. And they just gaslit me the entire time

I’m this crazy: I follow the girls my boyfriend follows on another account and I look through the pictures he’s liked. And maybe jealousy is the wrong word but I get a feeling I really don’t like. even though they’re from his past. Not his friends that I know irl but people I can tell were hookups. And don’t get me started on the couple of girls he’s actually dated. Seeing them I guess makes me jealous? I really don’t know.

With all the stuff going on right now, we might forget to take care of ourselves, like, really take care of ourselves. I want you to do something good for you today. Something that fulfils you or gives you joy or maybe even doesn't make you feel good at all but you know it beneficial to you. Whether it's an extra piece of chocolate or extra 10 minutes on the treadmill (staying indoors yay!), or both, tell us.

My anxiety, overthinking and low-self esteem makes me feel unlovable. I am trying to better myself by going to therapy and doing productive things but it's taking so long to get better. I feel like if I ever told my friends or family they would just run away or something. It feels isolating to deal with this alone, I mean in person. I'm not even excited for Christmas because I'm terrified of next year and my future. There's a part of me that wishes I could confide in a lover as well but I'll find that person unless I get better. Then it becomes a goal to get better for someone else to love me rather than to love myself. I hate myself.

I'm at the end of my rope. I can't eat. My body hurts. I can't remember anything recent anymore. My ex told me she will never let me see my kids even after I told her I had cancer. I'm truly fading out into nothing. I've started the process of self elimination so it won't be long now. Thanks

I'm having a really bad anxiety attack so much that I couldn't go to school and I'm really upset because now they're going to call and say i'm a failure because last year i stayed home all the time and i really wanted to change this year and be good and i failed and i'm being yelled at to just breathe and it's not the easy and i don't know what to do please help

About 6 weeks into my medication regimen, found out I was Bipolar 1 after hospitalization after being prescribed Lexapro at age 30 and going into a severe manic episode. (Went to Vegas, spent huge amounts of money, stayed up for 10 days) Looking back, my life was filled with severe highs and lows. I feel so amazingly normal, clear-headed, and the happiest I have ever felt. Starting my Masters in Engineering Management, have a great job and a loving family. The world is finally bright again, hope this finds someone in a dark place :)

Ugh. So. I’ve been seeing a guy for a while. A few months, hard to say how many since I did “break up” with him for a few weeks. This relationship is objectively bad for me. I don’t think he’s a bad person per se. But he’s flakey af. We’re “seeing each other” because he’s too scared to commit. Because of my personality (y’all can relate) it’s not like he has any motivation to, right? But while we’re not boyfriends, it’s still somehow okay for him to share a lot of emotional baggage with me - like how his entire family and ex thinks he shouldn’t be dating. I’m not insensitive, but shit like that gives me private borderline panic attacks, and we’re not even official? Isn’t that the point of being “casual” - that we don’t have to deal with that kind of shit? He sends so many mixed signals. In person he’s affectionate, it’s extremely intimate in a way I’ve never really experienced - even with my long term ex. Then sometimes he’s super chatty and then, sometimes - like right now - he practically ghosts me. Fucking fun. I hate this. I wish he would just be distant all the time, because I don’t know where to stand and now I’m hurt because I got my expectations up and got left on read. I know I shouldn’t be with him, but like I said I tried to leave. I couldn’t handle the emotional consequences of it. So please don’t tell me to leave. I just wanted to vent. I like him so much and this is killing me. Especially since I *can* cope when I think he doesn’t care, but it’s those moments of “being super interested/intimate” that confuse me. And then break me when in a few weeks he flip flops. It hurts so bad.

Hi, I am a bisexual women (22) and i often fear dating women because women are much more comfortable w eachother and say things openly about others being attractive this and that just like you would in a friendship. But extreme fixation on scenarios or if someone im dating talking about anyone other than me causes an episode followed by anger lashouts. I want to be with a women but because of my jealousy its more exemplified than w a man.

Am I the only one? I’m scared shitless right now.

I have suffered from panic disorder and anxiety for as long as I can remember. I have actually recently started medication so I can try and get a normal hold on my life. Something recently that has been coming up has been my fear around death. I always have a sense of impending doom and these pits in my stomach about my own death. It can be super overbearing sometimes to try and get over because it’ll just circle in my head for days. Anyways my step sister has this ability to predict things before they happen and they always come true, almost like premonitions or a gift. She told me about a year ago that she had a vivid dream of me in the hospital and a doctor told her that I was sick and told her the exact day I was going to die on. But when she woke up she couldn’t remember the day or what I was sick with but she told me the dream. Whenever i ask her about the dream she forgets it really happened and has never said anything since. it’s been over a year since she had that dream but it’s pretty much eating me alive with anxiety again recently about how this might be true and how to overcome this constant fear. I have no idea how to get over this feeling because it’s a pretty debilitating fear since I’m terrified of death. Any advice would be super helpful.

...till I realized it's because it reminds me of my own psych ward stay, and how funny is it that nothing changed in psych wards since 1993? I swear, everything is the same. The way doctors/nurses talk, the daily program, the decor, hell, even the nightly sneaking around the ward. Like, one would expect that with that kind of rapid development that is going on, mental hospitals would be vastly different now... Nope. Isn't that kind of terrible?

For almost two decades I have really struggled with this disorder. For a long while every time I tried to get a handle on this illness my life simply fell to pieces like a building consumed by fire. There were some many nights I just wanted to give in to it. Stop trying and end it. But, with a lot of help, I didn’t. Today, I’m a different person. I know how to do hard things. I can show up to work despite my moods. I take care of myself in all areas of my life. I’ve ever began dating and, fingers crossed, join a band. All the things I wish I could do a few years ago are now a reality. And it’s been less than a year that my mental health has really increased. I marvel at what I can do in another year. Where I will be and who with. If this post seems like I’m bragging on myself, it’s because I am. I hated myself to my core most of my life and I’m done with it. Here’s to the new me!