Datasets:

Kanakmi

/

mental-disorders

like 9

So I slowly recovered from depression and suicidal thoughts around 2 years ago and obviously I didn’t completely recover, but even on my off days I just trusted that I would be better again tomorrow. Around this year I picked up confidence and came out of my introverted nature, talking to more people. But for the last week, I’ve felt completely derailed and not myself anymore. Like I’ve had one to two off day streaks commonly, but this one gets worse and worse everyday. There’s only one person now that I feel like I’m actually myself with, but even him I’ve started to feel like I’m out of touch with. This is extremely weird and I don’t know what is happening. Even before this week, I had great conversational skills and a good presence but now it’s hard to even look my own cousin in the eye without stuttering. I’m not sure why this is happening

I feel like all of my memories make me sad. My heart wrenches whenever I think of the past. Even happy times. Some of the happiest times of my life make me the saddest to think about. It makes me crave new experiences constantly. Anything interesting. Anything interesting. Something that can make me feel good for just a moment. Before it becomes a memory.

Hello I am a home cooker. I've lost my job today, I was too slow and failed an important client command. I wish I was something else than a service giver. A job where we're not fired for a baby fault or something.

Every week she asks me if I've been thinking about harming myself, and I always say no, but every week I have, I've pushed away all my friends and I've regressed to being a insecure hermit who wishes they were dead. I can't take feeling like this anymore, all I ever do in therapy is talk about how I can't manage personal relationships, and while she's a sweetheart and honestly the only good thing in my life atm, I'm tired of telling her the same things each week, I dont need venting, or have her tell me to be myself (I don't even know who I am), I need someone to help me change how I think. She originally diagnosed me with Adjustment Disorder with Depressed Mood, but as we've had more appointments she's told me I show criteria for BPD but because I'm not fully 18 yet, it might be "normal" teenager behavior out of proportion, and that while she aknowledges I've felt like this ever since 5th grade, we need to see if this persists until next school year. Just to clarify I've never claimed to be diagnosed with BPD on this sub, and I'm not a doctor so I'm not diagnosing myself with it either, I just know this is a subreddit where people who I can relate to in terms of whatever I'm feeling are located . I told my counselor that I wanted to die, so he had to call my mom to make me take therapy, while I sobbed like a baby in the corner, but now I fear that if I tell my therapist the same she might reccomend me to inpatient treatment, or I'll have to stop seeing her and have to go to someone else. I just need some advice on how to tell her in a way that won't have to put me into a humiliating situation like last time. I feel so lonely, but at the same time I've pushed everyone away cause they hate me, and now all I have is my therapist, but she can't give me any support if I dont tell her the truth.

I am always feeling like something bad is going to happen. My boss closes the door to his office at work - Oh god, I must be getting fired. Friend doesn't message me back for 5 mins - What did I say for them to be mad at me? Coworkers don't talk to me all day - They all hate me! There is always something around me that I think is going to go terribly wrong. I wish I didn't feel this way every day, it hurts my brain. but I have tried to stop from thinking all things going on are not my fault.. but it is hard not to convince myself that it is.

A long time ago I lost a large part of my capacity for emotion and haven't been able to get it back, I hardly feel anything anymore. I've done great for myself getting good money in the field I wanted as a kid, I've improved physically, I've got friends, I just got a girlfriend. At the end of it all I can't feel happy, its not that what I have isn't enough the feeling just isn't there. I can't care about anyone else I can't love myself no matter if I want to or how hard I try I can't force myself to feel. I've gone through loss of friends, death of family, standard human tragedy but I can't feel sad, there is no catharsis. Life has just been one continual hollow feeling for years now. I can't hold my hobbies, I can't enjoy it there's no reward. I can't appreciate the people around me, I know they are good people I know I should be happy but I just can't. I lie to them constantly my whole personality is just a shell of what I think how a person should feel, I just go through the motions and I'm cheating them out of a friend who can care. I've talked with therapists and by all outside perspective I'm just normal, and they can't help me with what I tell them, I can't just talk it out. I've tried psychiatrists and the medication doesn't help. I'm mostly not suicidal and still vaguely function day to day but it's only getting harder and my grating on my psyche. I just want to know if anyone else has felt this particular way and what they did to fix it.

my ex (it still feels weird to say that) and i were together about seven months. he recently broke up with me because my mental health was causing him a lot of stress and pain. i have borderline personality disorder, which i recently learned about so i haven’t quite gotten to the point of being able to properly live with it. while our relationship wasn’t that long, we were serious very fast and it was a whirlwind romance. we both deeply loved each other and when times were good, they were great. but i have been struggling so hard for the past couple of weeks and it’s been a real strain on myself and him. i have been crying all day and having panic attacks every night. i feel so empty and lonely all the time. he has said so many times he wants to be there for me and wants to be a support system. however a couple days ago, he said he needed to end the relationship because he couldn’t handle my emotions anymore. it absolutely broke me and sent me into a 12 hour mental breakdown and i ended up having to fly home to my parents house for my safety. i love him so deeply and i still do. however, all the people in my life and his friends to have told me i did everything for him and that i was better than he was and i deserved more. i really tried in the relationship and i gave him everything i could. while he was good to me, he sometimes would guilt trip me and make me feel bad for my emotions. he accidentally gave me a concussion too, which made my emotions worse and he didn’t understand that. it’s just been such a hard episode of my life and i’m so lost. i’m going to try and get more consistent help from a new therapist and i have weekly appointments now. but i just can’t get over this break up and i want him back so badly. i know i need to work on myself but i want to be with him too. i just feel so guilty for everything and i can’t help but think if i was normal this would’ve have happened and we’d still be together. i don’t know what to do and i don’t know how to take care of myself. i know i need to work on myself and learn to love myself. i don’t even know where to start. i need help TLDR: i have borderline personality disorder and my boyfriend broke up with me because he can’t handle it and i don’t know how to keep going on

What is one piece of "advice"*, tiny as it might have seen then, that helped you the most? *I use this word loosely because I know many therapists don't necessarily give advice, but rather point you in the right direction.

I am 19F and I have always had the fear of having children ever since my grandfather told me “Never have kids. Look at your brother.” Growing up, I spent a vast majority of my time with my brother. While I was 7, he was 16 and would often lock me in his room just to have some form of company around, as I assume he was lonely back then. He would always force me to play video games with him, force me to make food for him, or ask me to bring beverages to him. In one instance, he asked me to bring him a cup of milk. Personally preferring ice in my milk, I brought him a cup of milk with ice in it and he saw it and immediately chucked it across the counter, screaming “I don’t want ice!” He was very aggressive, as my mother had to call the police to our home because of his violent tendencies multiple times. At first, our family believed he was depressed- smoking weed, drinking, and partying getting into countless fights on the beach. Then- as things progressed and an actual medical diagnosis was given, he was diagnosed with Schizophrenia. It turns out my grandmother on my father’s family had also been schizophrenic, but had passed away in her 40’s from lung cancer. He spiraled further out of control to the point he would talk about hearing voices that he himself believed to be real. He would talk about the levels of hell, God, heaven, and the devil. Sometimes he would change the pitch of his voice to almost a demonic growl that scared all of our family shitless. At one point, he even began speaking in other languages fluently that no one else was able to understand other than my Russian stepmother. He’s been that way his entire life, and really- he doesn’t even have a life anymore. It’s like everything he once was as a younger teen has completely warped into something different. Seeing the change in my brother has made me extremely afraid to have kids, to the point I told myself I would never have any. This scares me, as I’m afraid that one day when I fall in love, the man I love will desire a family that I’ll be too afraid to give. A part of me DID want a family, but ever since I witnessed such catastrophic events, I’m so afraid to. I’m even afraid that one day my own mental health will flip like a switch and I will no longer be who I am today.

I've had this feeling for a while where it feels like I travel a desert's worth of emotions literally within two seconds and it bothers me a bit. I had an episode of some sort last night where I'd feel myself about to cry and then the feeling gets immediately dried out by frustration or anger. I haven't been officially diagnosed with BPD, though I do resonate with a lot of the things people say about quiet borderline experiences. Someone mentioned something about visualizing myself acting out and I do that all the time.

This is my first post, so hopefully I do this right. I’m a 27f. I feel fine, not as sad as I used to be (lots of health problems in my family these past few years and deaths too) but not happy. I have no job and the one job that I want desperately hasn’t contacted me in months. They haven’t accepted or declined my application. I have no significant other which makes me lonely but the thought of dating makes me feel literally nauseous. I love my friends but my social battery drains quicker each time I see them. I know its my depression but I don’t know what to do to get out of it. I can’t afford therapy, my medication does just enough so I can function but I can’t switch it to something stronger because every type I tried previously gave me horrible side effects. I feel like I’m in the middle and about to tip to one side or the other. I really don’t want to have another depressive episode. Does anyone have any advice? Simple things that bring you joy or things you do to get out of this state?

I have a sibling that recently was diagnosed with Schizophrenia. He has been in and out of the hospital since last year September. He’s been arrested twice bc one he went on the road trying walk in front of ongoing cars, the other time he went in a store and just to soda and a piece of cake without paying, he stayed outside the gas station the whole entire night in the cold after he snuck out the house with my parents car. He has pulled a knife on us 3 times already, twice when were sleeping. We’ve tried to petition the court to allow us to institutionalize him bc hes 26. No help, rather we were shooed away. If you have anyway to help pls lmk I personally don’t get scared by my brothers episodes that much bc, I’ve never had Schizophrenia but I believe my family has a strong genetic problem with certain disorders because a few years back I had the same feeling that one of my parents and one of my siblings were also after me. I would do stuff like swish my mouth soap 47 times while listening to the Batman theme song or their gonna get a hold of what they want. I couldn’t touch door handles or walk on the floor barefoot and plus many other things. My main concern for my sibling is that it’s getting worse and they refuse to take any medication, to this day it still affects me so I can only imagine how hard it may be for my sibling to think he needs help bc he’s also used weed and other substances.

My work clothes and private clothes has to be washed, like there’s no “oh just another day” because I’m officially on the last cleaning clothes tomorrow. Also, I need clean clothes for my job on Tuesday. And I have to clean the apartment too. I. Don’t. Want. To! I really don’t want to!!!!!!! I can’t believe my cleaning day fell on this week. Why couldn’t I have had it next week? 😭

I (22F) graduated college in May with a bachelor's in early education and special education. My goal once I started my senior year was to graduate and then enroll in the master's program that my school has to offer. It's 2 years and I would get my master's for free but I would have to teach at a school for only $12,000 a year. My spring semester of college was rough. I was placed in a student teaching position where I didn't get a lot of teaching experience and was so much work to the point where I would go M-F, and then have to work on Saturdays and sometimes Sundays just so I could make rent and pay my groceries. My roommates ended up falling apart, which caused all of us to be in constant fight or flight mode, and I eventually dropped my master's program because I was having 3 panic attacks a week, and thought that I needed a break. After I graduated college, it hit me that I was no longer going to be going to grad school like I had planned, and I became so consumed with fear that I couldn't even think about what I wanted to do in the future. I have been having countless panic attacks, and I feel so tired even when I get a full night's rest for the past 4 months. now that it's august, I have found myself spiraling because there are no teaching positions in my area, it's too late for me to go to grad school, and I have no clue what to do. I feel like I've dug myself into a hole that I can't come out of. I know that statistically the longer you don't have a job, the harder it is to find one, and I'm terrified that I'm not going to be able to find a teaching position. I live with my parents, who have generously taken me into their home but have been pushing for me to get a job, which I completely understand. I don't know if I should tell them the way that I have been feeling, or just try and do this on my own. I feel so lost and confused about everything, and it's stressing me out that I have no plans in place. I have no clue what to do, or who to reach out for help. I have always had a passion for teaching and have loved getting to teach lessons when I had the opportunity, so I don't know why I feel so stuck.

Looking back at the last 10+ years, I recognize a lot of the BPD signs and red flags in my actions. I know there's something wrong with me e.g. I upped and left countries, I engage in splitting, etc.. I am not going diagnose myself but wish to speak with a professional. The only concern I have is that if I get officially diagnosed with something I might have trouble with immigration and potential work opportunities. For those who are aware of immigration in the US, I am a conditional green card holder. I also intend to work in the business sector. Any advice? Will getting diagnosed (even without BPD, but if it turns out I have some other mental condition) hinder me in any way professionally, legally or economically (insurance wise)? I am very much high-functioning (as far as I know..), have never attempted suicide, have an estranged parent who was diagnosed with a mental condition (but idk what exactly it was), and just wish to get help so I can stop yelling at my spouse, maintain friendships, and going bananas in my head. Also Idk if this flair is correct. Thanks in advance!

I'm sure a lot of the people here that have BPD can relate to not being able to finish something that you start out feeling passionate about. I know it's a characteristic of many people with BPD. Is there anyone here that doesn't experience this? How do you push yourself to keep going? I'm asking because I love blogging but I keep not keeping up with them and then just starting a new one. I really want to keep up with my most recent one. Any tips?

Neither of us want to break up, but due to complicated circumstances that would be a whole post on it's own, we have to break up. We are also coworkers. Very hard not to see her. I'm trying to keep my distance but she tried very hard today to at least get a hug out of me. I know a hug is innocent but I know how quickly a hug turns to a serotonin overload for us. Anyway.. I pushed her away today. I said nasty things I didn't mean. I really feel bad. Blocked her on everything and deleted the pictures we shared. Immediately regretted it. Immediately swung in the other direction and begged for her forgiveness. Explained how emotional I was and how I was feeling fucked up. That I still want her and that I want to lay next to her and look deep into her eyes I feel like I'm a pendulum. I'm so afraid of staying with her, just as I am afraid of her finding someone else.

Hi, I’m just looking for advice. I got out of a really toxic and unhealthy long term relationship about a year ago. I have since been trying to work on myself and my BPD before committing to anything new. This is something I have tried to attempt multiple times throughout my life, but when I meet someone new I lose myself. That being said I met someone. It was very unexpected and I am very overwhelmed by how fast we are moving/ how much I like them. It is very different from anything else I’ve experienced. He is very big on communication and overshares, which makes me comfortable to over share as well. He has told me he is interested in the grey area of being more than casual, but less than a relationship as I’ve voiced my desire to not being in something serious. He has been asking me to define my boundaries from the get go which I have never experienced either. I have a feeling this could be something great and he would be the perfect person to explore my boundaries and triggers. But also we’ve known each other 2 weeks, met 3-4 times, and he already has a key to my place… BUT I have a feeling this will make the journey so much harder and I am terrified of falling too quickly and getting hurt because I can see myself falling into the patterns already. Checking my phone constantly, wanting to tell them all about my day, having a bad day and wanting them to come comfort me etc etc. Should I still attempt this? What kind of boundaries have helped y’all in the past? And how should I impose it? We both have adhd so are incredibly impulsive and both struggle to not just dive in head first. We have already acknowledged we enable each other. Any advice would be appreciated. Thank you fam ❤️

Since my anxiety problems started , my lower left abdomen hurts. Sometimes it hurts bad and other times a bareable pain. Does anxiety do this bc the doctors took X-rays and saw nothing wrong.

I’m not sure where to ask about this stuff, but it’s bad. When I’m falling asleep I’ll have really vivid *don’t know if that’s the right word* hallucinations, but last night was probably the worst so far, I saw a tall man with wide eyes standing in the corner of my room holding a briefcase just, staring at me. Anyone know what this could be?

Last week I quit my job. I've done basically nothing but get high and watch anime/porn. I've been applying for jobs but halfheartedly. A little bit ago I was getting high with my neighbor while a youtube video played and had the thought "he has nice arms, I want him to fist me" while my neighbor was talking about honey candy or some shit and I just was like wow I really need to get fucked. My boyfriend will have sex if I initiate but it's been three years and I'm bored of sex with him even though I love him sincerely. He's not necessarily bad at sex but has the capabilities of what I imagine a sex robot will have in 2040. Last year at the end of summer I cheated on my boyfriend with some guy from tinder (long story short: I felt justified sleeping with this guy because I told my boyfriend what I was doing every step of the way, broke up with him and kicked him out of my apartment, then slept with the guy for a month till I asked my boyfriend if we could get back together). I want to marry my boyfriend but not yet and I *feel* like I want to be able to sleep around but also I recognize that this is probably just self sabotaging behavior. I'm actually considering taking a short holiday in Canada just to hook up with some guy and pretend it never happened (and to buy weed). Basically I feel that my life is in shambles but I somehow thrive on the chaos I create for myself. I'm a quiet borderline so only my boyfriend knows how I really am behind my bad bitch persona and therapy hasn't worked because I don't like the feeling of opening up to a therapist and end up not going back. TL:DR; I'm 25 and don't know what I'm doing with my life and needed a place to vent.

I am having a hard time with everything in life lately my anxiety has progressively gotten worse, I have panic attacks in public due to my agoraphobia,and im. A felon so holding a job is very hard... I just got a psychiatrist and she helped me get food stamps because she knows I am not able to work right now but I am afraid to ask her to help me with disability although I really could use it right now to help pay for my treatment and other expenses I am running out of money fairly quickly and I really do not wanna lose my girlfriend of 5, years... I made a GoFundMe but don't know if that is the right way to approach this... I'm very scared right now and have been having a lot of bad thoughts

“You’re not a nice person, you’re not a good person and that’ll probably never change because the only persons feelings you’ve continuously cared about is your own. You’re selfish, self centered, insecure and extremely manipulative and when you don’t get your way it’s a problem. You only care about how you feel now how you make others feel and that shows a lot about your character. Hopefully you’ll grow up eventually.” think i’m officially done

I’m 16 years old and live with my dad. My mom was an abusive alcoholic my whole life until one day I was tired of it and left. I’ve been just living with my dad for about 2 1/2 years now. Almost everyday my mom text saying how sorry she he and how she has changed and stopped drink alcohol. She is still the same mean, naive person just without alcohol. She says such fucked up things to him and he still pays for everything for her and bought her a house. She begs me to see her and how much she loves me but I ignore it. I know I’m not a good person and recently have been fighting with my dad a lot. U feel bad how bad I treat him sometimes but it’s hard. I feel bad for my mom that I will probably never love her again. I have depression. Cry a lot and have bad anger issues. I really don’t have friends and my only real friends live 1000 miles away. I hide my emotions from everyone and my dad tried to make me go to therapy but it was a waste of time. I honestly hate my life and am tired of it. My dad is an older guy and it makes me so sad how I treat him because he won’t be around forever. I do truly hate my life.

Hey guys. So last week I had something happen that was just kind of jarring and a little traumatic and I’ve kind of felt weird ever since. I feel like maybe I’ve been dissociating but I’ve never felt that way before. How would you guys best describe how it feels to dissociate? And what do you do to come back down to earth? PS: I’m fully okay. I don’t feel like I’m going to harm myself or anything like that. I also have therapy tomorrow so I plan on fully addressing the issue then Thanks everyone♥️

Been at this for over a decade now… I’m always trying my best but always end up failing horribly… Does it even make sense to try anymore

OMG I'm so exhausted lately! I used to get hit by significant anxiety every evening, it would kind of build up during the day, unless there were triggers during the day. But lately it's practically all day, everyday. I feel like I've had 10 cups of coffee even though I've quit coffee. Just wanted to share. Waiting on starting a new psychiatrist so nothing I can really do for now. Just hate this feeling.

I am afraid of flying, that’s true enough. But I am way more afraid of the airport and everything that comes with it. I don’t like the crowds, I am terribly afraid of my luggage getting lost and customs seems like the most terrifying thing ever. Does anyone have any tips? I know the only things on my mind will be “what if my luggage gets lost? What if someone put drugs in my bag? What if they suspect me of something? What if I brought something that isn’t allowed without being aware of doing so?” I will probably be anxious and I won’t enjoy my time. This is also my first time flying.

I'm a male and I'm having a hard time with this. Everytime I know I truly love someone it's also often that I have sexual desire towards them and on paper it shouldn't be a problem but it makes me feel guilty and dirty. I don't think I can explain it any better. I feel like I'm using the person I love instead of truly loving them. I feel like they deserve better than me using their body for my sexual desires. Even if in the act we both enjoy it. I don't know if I can explain it any better.

I’ve been dissociating for about a week straight. I can’t focus on anything, nothing feels real, I feel like I’m in a movie. Everything is just so foggy and unreal to me. The dissociation was probably stress-induced, but it got even worse after I tried some weed. I know that dissociation in BPD doesn’t last for a long time usually. Do I need to see a doctor?

For a moment I thought I was better and I am normal. But after the latest episode, It is apparently not the case, and I feel quite disappointed by myself and discouraged. It has been a long route, and I’m exhausted. And there is still no lights in the tunnel, I’ve not reached the end yet to see one.

I realise there are criteria and you need to meet a certain number to be diagnosed etc. - but those criteria themselves seem open to interpretation (like, what counts as "desperate" attempts to avoid abandonment? About half the population has *some* kind of abandonment issue...) The reason I ask is because I've met a number of people over the years who have been diagnosed with BPD but who seem to have no symptom alike, whose personalities seem entirely different etc. Some seem very self-focused (sort of like a victim mentality?) and others seem overly other-focused (like believe they are the perpetrator of all of life's ills and others are victims of *them* - they say things like "I don't want to feel this way because it's so unfair on other people", rather than realising it also hurts them. Some use their emotions as rationalisations (I did that because you hurt me); and others seem to believe they have no right to emotions at all (I should behave appropriately at all times regardless of my emotional state and anything else is unacceptable). One person I know definitely exhibits "splitting" - where they see people as either "Gods" or "Devils" depending on how they feel - but none of the rest of the people I know with BPD have this symptom (most seem kind of like the opposite where they see other people as various shades of grey and only really seem to have trouble accepting themselves). These people seem to me to be literal opposites of each other and yet they have the same diagnosis. I suppose I'm just confused about what this diagnosis even means anymore. I myself am diagnosed with chronic anxiety, and of course, no two people with anxiety are alike, we all have very different personalities and perspectives. But there is one core symptom alike: The experience of exaggerated or unnecessary anxiety. So it feels less confusing than the BPD diagnosis. So like, for instance, do you have to experience mood swings to have BPD? Is there something like that that is common to all sufferers? I hope this doesn't come across as offensive or like I'm questioning the existence of BPD. My mother has been diagnosed this way in the past and some friends have and I just sort of want to understand what it actually means.

I've been saving to travel Europe solo since 2014. I'm finally here, I've been in Europe for a week. But honestly, I hate it. Solo travel is difficult because you have to be constantly on the go, packing and unpacking and because I'm staying in hostels for most of my trip, there's no privacy. I spend so much time carrying around a heavy backpack that I'm tired before sunset and I just want to sleep most of the time. The last few days have been the worst - I went to a city where I was staying somewhere quite out of the way but also an area with a bad reputation. Everything was closed due to a public holidays weekend and I felt so defeated. In the past three days, my cat has passed away, I've fallen sick and I've lost my phone (and it looks like I won't be able to make an insurance claim because the police refused to help me). All I do is worry and the stress is really getting to me. I'm lonely and I miss my partner even more than I thought I would. I'm supposed to be here for another month and I honestly don't know what to do. I'm self harming because I feel guilty for being ungrateful for the opportunity to travel, and I feel like an idiot for not seeing this coming.

Like the title says.. To be more specific, I have this horrible anxiety (mostly with the first weeks or months at work and such) that manifests itself as a weird nausea. It usually starts when I wake up, I get this cough that gets me feeling like I'm gonna throw up which starts making me sick. I try to eat but it's all flavorless and feels like mush in my mouth, which in turn makes me feel sick. I'm usually able to distract myself with the work but getting there is a hassle and I usually have no food in my stomach. This wouldn't be that bad but sometimes when I don't eat enough I get these sweats and dizzy spells, all bad. Anywho, I guess I'm wondering if anyone else gets this, and if you have any tips to battle it. Thank you in advance for any and all tips, and hopefully anyone else that feels like this can find help here too.

Start drugs at an early age Become an incredible high school Student and got accepted to university Become the worst university student of all time Make mistakes that make me suicidal Spend money Stay up too Late I can talk myself into doing anything i want, Lose friends Become too content in situations that require immediate action Take immediate action in situations that don't mean shit Go to concerts and spend all money Drop out of college 2 times and now trying to finish again Move out of state for no reason Actually lose my mind and develop psychosis On and off lithium Become fat Spend money for a two week gym session Love life for no reason Bye

Okay, I have this fear that my mother will see my scars or catch me in the act. Summer is comming and my thighs are covered in scars that my shorts barely hide. I just think I would feel a little better if I had an idea of how to react or how she may react. She is super strict, gets annoyed if I talk about myself or stuff I enjoy, and basically wants me to just do as she says. I just dont know what to expect.

I’m trying to learn how to deal w anxiety the downside is I’ve been stuck this way so long I seek out things that give me anxiety just so I can feel like I always have . Without anxiety I’m uncomfortable and even anxious in itself 😕

i think i am going to kill myself. i cant take this anymore i recently discovered that my girlfriend had been cheating on me and i couldnt take it anymore. i feel so depressed everyday and i cant go a full day without being sad. i am so incredibly depressed on every day and every hour. i never want to be alive again. everything about life is so fucking sad.

Honestly, I just really want to have a conversation with someone that gets beyond small talk.

Everyone is gone. and I'm left alone with my thoughts. My therapist discharged me, now I have no one to talk to. She didn't really help though so I'm not that mad. But I'm sick of people leaving me. Also autism and bpd don't mix well. I can't socialize and I don't understand people. I feel like an alien.

My parents are very religious and I was home-schooled by my mom. My mom never worked as she and my dad are a traditional religious family who believe women shouldn't work. (I'm an atheist.) I had two older brothers, 12 and 10 years older, so I mostly felt like an only child growing up. My parents live in the mountains of Southern California and because my mom is a paranoid fuck, I was rarely allowed to leave the house. As a kid I would play in the drive-way or deck, but I grew out of that quickly. Once there were some kids my age down the street, but they moved within less than 2 years and I've never seen them again. I was just in the house 24/7 with the exception of family gatherings, which I hated because I was bullied by them. My older brother got away with a bit of abuse (nothing sexual) and no one did anything. Even to this day my mom irrationally defends him. When I finished school, which I got a poor education as it is was christian curriculum. I was never taught any skills or helped to get a job. I was born female, but I identify as non-binary/little bit masculine. My mom wanted me to be her, I'm not, so she's bullied me since I was a teenager. At 18 I was gonna try to learn some skills, but then I had to have immediate heart surgery, then more and more health issues developed over the years. I am 34 and am house-bound and one of the main conditions that disables me is not well known so it isn't considered a disability, so I can't get any kind of disability government aid. I also can't work. My health is so bad I don't sleep well, am very weak physically, can't do physical label, I've never socialized so I don't know how to be around people. I am a freak when out in public. I also deal with gender dysphoria, can't transition due to my health issues. I have no friends IRL. Again, I was not allowed out on my own and when I could have tried my health tanked. I have chronic pain and have been to dozens of doctors but they won't help. Even though the few times I was on pain medicine, I could function, I could sleep, I could focus, it gave me a confidence boost, I was relaxed, and wanted to work towards my own life... But I can't get them. I've been on many other medications and they had no affect or worsened my health. Not that doctors would ever admit it... What the fuck do I do? I'm disabled, but can't get disability since some of the health issues I have aren't well known or aren't considered a disability. I can't work. I have no skills, nor the time, money or energy to learn. I'm depressed, have 0 confidence. I am gender dysphoric about my appearance and voice so doing streaming or youtube is not an option. (I do play video games, but I suck and don't want to be bullied online.) I don't know how to socialize or talk to people, let alone entertain people. I'm still living with my parents and it's worsening my mental health. Am I just gonna have to hope I meet someone online? Because I don't think it's fair to make someone have to do the job my parents were supposed to do. The world just had a pandemic, still going on, many people are struggling more than before. For years the only out I could think of was ending my life. Obviously many people disagree, but my mental and physical health is tanking further. I do have a few online friends, I appreciate them as I struggle to make friends, and they are struggling too. I respect the people who have gotten to where they do, especially my friends, I have no right to just plop down on anyone. Other family is worse and are poor, so that isn't an option either. Even temporarily. California is expensive as fuck, but where else do I go? Don't know anyone in another state and don't have money. I also don't have a drivers license and the area I live doesn't have ubers. If things can't improve, I just don't want to exist anymore.

Specifically ones that made you less depressed and happier? I’ve tried Prozac, Wellbutrin, lexapro, citalopram, nothing helps.

I've been talking to a girl online for the last couple of weeks and she's been a great friend but I said something that I truly regret and I didn't realise it was bad until I re read it. She replied with a fairly angry reply and I felt super bad. We both have anxiety and I suffer from ocd so we understand each other but I think I might have messed up. I've never been good at talking to girls and I've always messed up. I fear she may not like me anymore. I never mean anything bad and I try to be the best I can. After realising I upset her I hated myself and today is the first time in a while I just feel like sitting in a corner to cry. What can I do? Should I worry so much? I fear I may not be able to be in a relationnship or have any kind of friendship with girls because of my stupididty and ocd. Any feedback appreciated.

My hamster just died this morning. Im having a really hard time with it. Ever since my dad died five years ago, any time anything like this happens I just feel like I can't handle it. It feels like the worst thing in the world. The hamster was my support through my break up over the last couple months, and now she's gone and I can't ever see her again.

I was diagnosed with depression for 2 years and i just had my first suicide attempt, im a nobody with no one to talk to, i have gone to therapists before but they dont seem to help and it dosent feel like my medication helps at all and i just fucking suck at everything i fucking do, and i feel even worse after my suicide attempt, its night where i live and im on a bench like a worthless idiot, i dont know What to do, i have tried almost everything and my parents just looks at me like a failure like always

Part 1: http://redd.it/32q81t After seeing the psych, I went home. I felt happy and sad at the same time. I was happy to find out what was going on for years but at the same time sad because I was diagnosis with BPD. They put me on buspar 15mg twice a day, wellbutrin 150mg in the morning and trazadone 1-2 at night for sleep. Unfortunately, events that have been happening reared their ugly head. Learned that I have to take my best friend to small claims because he hasn't payed or even made an attempt to pay me back the $500 I loaned him so he could get a car to get to work. I feel used. I was friends with him since 1st grade. . . he was the only friend I had and he went and did this. I ended up getting an anxiety attack which lasted around 10 minutes. Work and school have been hard. I can't even look at my teachers, classmates, and customers. It's so hard to even go to school or work at times because I feel like I am going to have a breakdown. Just yesterday (4/16/15) it took almost an hour to get out of bed to go to school. By the time I got to school I had missed my english class (40 minutes worth). I went ahead to my next class and couldn't stay awake (been six days with only four hours of sleep) so I pretty much missed that class as well. Went to the volleyball class (pe credit) and couldn't do anything right. I kept on "beating myself up" whenever I couldn't get a pass right or just felt useless. By the time that ended I just went home. Didn't even bother with math class. Still haven't slept well. Today. I made it to english on time and my second class. Afterwards I stayed behind at school because I had thought I had an appointment today with the psych. I went there and turns out it's not for another two weeks. . . I know the medicine either needs to be changed or bumped up and trazadone isn't working at all. I just had it. I went to my car, broke down, and just started crying. I fucking hate this. I don't have any fucking control over any of this. One moment I am depressed the next I am pissed off etc. I called the boss and told him what's going on and he told me to take the day off. Thank god for him. Now I am here. I feel as though I get a lot of just typing or writing. But I don't know. That's the other issue I have been having. The knowing part. I know people are here to help me but every time I get depressed I instantly forget and don't know if people would help me. I then get to feeling like I am a burden to others and don't bother asking. Even now I've told you guys more about what's going on than my own family. My family is all gung-ho. Water off a ducks back for them. I can't and every time I have dealt with depression or anxiety before they just tell me to suck it up and go on about their day. I just can't do that and I have never been able to do that. Whenever they say that kind of stuff, it just makes me more depressed and the thoughts kick in and I end up heading down into the bedroom. I just thank anyone that reads this. It's so scattered. Sorry. I just don't know how else to put anything else on here.

The colours were so bright back then, Like a rainbow bursting through grey clouds after a storm, Or a firework that bursts in the air on the fourth of July, Lighting up my eyes, and all of a sudden I was in the sky, Carefree floating on a cloud, looking down, Shouting to all the people on the ground, “I’m better now!” ​ But I always seem to forget three simple points, Number one: clouds are always are bound to pour, Number two: fireworks are just a rare instance in time, And number three: everything high enough is bound to fall eventually, Including me, especially me, ​ Because when the cloud does start to pour, And the sparks fade into the night sky, I’m the one that always falls the hardest, While flapping my arms trying to fly, But don’t worry, ​ I’m used to this, you see, Trying to succeed doesn’t do much for me, In fact, the more I attempt, The farther behind I get, And when I’m back on the ground, The exhaustion kicks in, And the worst part of all is, Now I have to exert even more energy to fit in, ​ Fitting in is like tight fitted clothes, The girls that wear t-shirts that stick to skin, And straighten their hair every day, Something I was envious of, But never able to do, Because my concentration depends on baggy clothes, And the tapping of my feet, I’ll never understand why my legs move so much, But not fast enough to get me places on time, ​ It’s a bittersweet thing, I realized this when the medicine kicked in, I lived nineteen years of my life wanting to die, Never feeling “right”, A high-school life with no friends, Filled with mental distress, And missed class, All because people refused to believe, I needed special ed.

Early in the year, one of my best friends of many years confessed feelings for me. Sweet! We spend half the year talking about how in love we are, how we we're gonna hold hands, etc etc. We move to the same state and start living together and - nothing. No touch. No title such as partner. It's been 3-4 months and I'm dying. We hang out, we flirt, we're closer than ever, but.. they talk about this feeling of two magnets coming together and being repulsed. Something about my energy is driving them away. Which like, of course it is! I'm intense and I want them and I'm driving myself crazy over here. Physical touch is my main love language, how I feel settled. It's also my main pattern to think I'm about to enter a relationship only to have the rug pulled out from me. I keep waiting for them to reveal, "actually let's go back to being friends". I can't trust that this is real, can't trust that we'll come together in a physical way eventually. I can't handle this. The unmet desire, the waiting, the confusion.. it hurts so much and I don't know what to do. And to make it worse, they started a relationship with my friend who was visiting right when we moved in together (we're both poly). The two of them are physical. They cuddle and fuck and.. I think about dying every time I hear about the two of them. I'm going to therapy, my not-partner and I talk, I'm learning about acceptance and self-love, and I'm doing the work. I do do do deeply trust them, but I'm so scared and this hurts and I don't know how to get through this. I don't know how make it to the place where we are official, to where we actually make physical contact. I don't want this half-relationship. I don't know how to accept things as they are now.

So over the past week my family and Is lives have been changed a lot. My little brother (18m) began acting strange after he broke up with his girlfriend. He began saying stuff like he was "evil" "just like my father", and that he needs to "find God". He first seemed normal but later we found out one night before he completely went over the rails. That he had went over to her house got in somehow and was shaking her out her sleep asking for forgiveness. The next day he had woken up and went to my dads house and was over there talking in circles and walking back and forth. He eventually went outside and took his shirt off and started trying to grab his ex gf because my mom had gotten her for some reason. And he started trying to grab my mom I had to get a hold of him and stop him from doing anything worse than I know he wants to do. We also had the police there as well and he went to their car and was opening and closing the doors after being told not to. After that we decided he needs to go to the hospital and he was screaming ab going to jail out the back of my moms car. He also grabbed her by the neck and doesn't remember doing it. When he was in the hospital and they tried to put the ekg straps on him he refused and was fighting back. They had to call security to hold him down so he could be sedated to go to sleep. When I saw him the next morning it was the same stuff as the day before. He seemed to be able to respond a little better but would still snap back into delusion and not speaking right and all. Stupidly my father who now knows he was wrong tried to take him back home yesterday. All hell broke loose then, he was asking if I was my dad and if I was dead. My dad was still trying to talk to him normally due to shock and denial presumably. And during the night when he wouldn't go to sleep he jumped my dad and beat him up, dove out of a window, and ran down the street screaming he was God and they had to call an ambulance and police because he was unhinged now. Complete opposite of my little brother growing up. Now he's in the hospital and we're all assuming the worst. I had to post this because I need advice from anybody on what we can do to help him once he comes back home, and how to help get everybody's including my own mind off of this. It all happened so fast I remember him having digestion and bowel changes about a month ago I told him to go to the doctor but we thought nothing of it. He'd been acting strange a couple days before him and his Gf broke up. Calling and saying he needs to confess sins and apologizing but not like he was the past couple days. I don't know what to do anybody else who's going through this or has been through please give me advice. I want my little brother back

I have been on medications for the better part of 9+ years to manage my “mood disorder” “anxiety and depression” etc. all through my adolescent life. Not until recently (about a year) a therapist and MD both diagnosed me with BPD. Anyone else have better luck off the meds? You can’t medicate personality. So why shovel all these pills that who knows what they are doing to a young brain down my throat? And blame any outbursts on medication adjustment, when I have no idea what my brain is like without them. Close friends and family think I’m dumb for not taking them. Why do I have to take them just because the doctor “has always” had me on them? The ONLY treatment for BPD is therapy. I don’t think it’s out of the question to want to know and MEET my brain off meds. I don’t even know who I am!

My bf and me were fighting for a very long time. So everything was tense between us, but today he called me and we had a very smooth and enjoyable conversation after a very long time. He told me he would call again as i was out but it's been 3 hours now and he still hasn't called what if my behaviour has yet again caused a problem. Or if i am overthinking?

I've just entered a manic episode and have that urge to spend money...but there's a few items that I've been planning to buy for months and I just got a bonus so I have the money to get them. I know exactly what items I want but because it's a significant purchase it will FEEL like I'm giving into manic spending when I'm actually being responsible. Satisfy the feeling without feeling bad afterwards!

I'm having a real bad few days and it's being exacerbated by my computer playing up and my overactive imagination thinking there's someone planting illegal stuff on my computer to get me arrested and locked away. My anxiety was through the roof already any advice to help calm me?

I got invited to go to an amusement park with this girl I talk to sometimes at work. We’re not exactly friends but she seems cool enough that I could hang out with her so I said yes cause I do love roller coasters. I asked who else was going and told her I don’t do good in big groups and she told me a guy that we work with is also going. It just so happens I have a crush on this guy so that immediately sent me in to a spiral of anxiety lol. Now it’s not just stepping out of my comfort zone to go out with a girl I barely know and have only spoken to at work, now my crush is going too. I was excited at first because I don’t have any friends in this area, I really only talk to my best friend in another state. But of course I started talking myself out of it and starting to make up excuses why I can’t go. I think about it so much until the idea of going seems crazy and that I’ll look stupid for going to something I was invited to…idk. I also want to ask her so many questions about the plan but I don’t want to freak her out so that’s stressing me out as well. Like I need a step by step of what’s gonna happen when I get there because we’re all driving separately. Idk this is just a rant.

This sounds so self-pitying, but I’ve been thinking about it more often and it’s true. I can’t think of a single reason to like myself. BPD highlights all of my tiny mistakes and shortcomings so that they’re all I see and it manifests in pure self-hatred. But even if I told someone who loves me that I hate myself and they responded with my “best” qualities like oh but you’re so kind, so funny, you’re smart, etc... those are all reasons that other people might like me, but they’re not reasons to like myself? (And yet when someone DOESN’T like me, I take that as more evidence that I should definitely hate myself. It doesn’t work both ways somehow. Ha.) Does that make sense? DAE relate? What qualities in ourselves, besides things which make other people like us, can truly make us hate ourselves less?

So, I blew up in a gas station yesterday. Fuck. I walked inside and saw a woman without a mask. It is mandatory in this state and city to have one on. She didn’t have one on. Holy fuck, my anger starts kicking in. I wanted to say something, but I refrained because I could feel how incredibly heated I was, knew I should just be quiet. I stand in line and tell myself to let it go. I then notice the person working the register isn’t wearing a mask either. Omg. He’s behind a small piece of plastic. I can feel the anger brewing inside of me. Telling myself, just let it go...let it go. Well, finally, it’s my turn. I couldn’t not say something. I pay for the gas and then said, “Are you the owner of this store? Masks are mandatory why aren’t you wearing one?” He says he isn’t the owner and doesn’t have to wear a mask because he is behind a small sheet of plastic. I said that’s bullshit and told him I wouldn’t be back and that I was going to contact the owner of the store. I was so livid!!!!!!!! I was so upset I was shaking. Took forever to calm my ass down. Damn. I don’t think I was being completely unreasonable, but I was bothered by it. I identify as a quiet borderline. For me to say something to someone like that, it takes a lot. And then it eats away at me that maybe I was wrong. I don’t like confrontation and it bothers me afterward. Fuck.

​ I'm trying to get a job but was diagnosed with severe anxiety but my doctor gave me a sick note for this month and i sent them that but now they want me to go for a review but i thought my sick note stops them it's making the anxiety worse what i'm trying to fix do i have any leg to stand on or do i have to torture myself and reply would be amazing tia

I have a constant, unbearable dread that makes me feel sick through literally every second of my life. Does anyone else have this?

Everywhere I go I just don’t fit when it comes to making friends or relationships… or trying to talk to people I hate my ugly ass self. Wish I was a normal guy like everyone else..

Like I BARELY post, but if I ever make a story my friends will have something to say about it. Like “oooo you want people to know you’re busy hmm?” Or “ooo you wanna look popular?” Like no, I don’t understand it. And admittedly I do it too, if someone posts something I’ll think “they’re just trying to get their bum in there, or they are just trying to look busy” I dunno. Is this normal? Am I overthinking haha

I realised that this happens to me a little too often and I want to see if it's just me, because it seems like a pretty strongly BPD related thing to me. I struggle with group chats. And not in the sense that I'm 'bad at them'. I will genuinely want to join in and every time I do, I will be telling myself that it's going to be great and I'm gonna feel like I have friends. Until people actually start talking in the group chat. Very early on, I will start feeling left out. Even if it's close friends and it's just three of us. I will constantly feel like the others are posting purposely trying to exclude me, like they have malicious intents and they're just trying to passive-aggressively attack me. I will feel so excluded that I'll start avoiding everybody in the group chat and then I will just read the posts to hurt myself as in 'Oh, see, everyone is so okay without you. Don't even bother posting at this point, because you'll ruin it'. Then eventually I will leave then I will have a moment of victory if I get a 'why did you leave' message, because I'll get a bit of attention... And repeat. Anybody else, anything similar?

I’ve hit a brick wall in therapy and in life. I feel stuck. I’m not eating, sleeping or taking care of myself (showers etc) I’ve been like this for the past month or so. Before that I was engaging so well in therapy. I think I have become attached to my therapist and that scares me. I’ve been pushing him away lately, especially over the last 2 weeks. I just want him to give up on me like I’ve given up on myself. I want one less person to care about me.

My partner and I have been trying to come to terms with our mental disorders, he has anxiety and I believe I have depression and BPD. We are in full support of each other and I'm so proud of him for taking care of himself and his anxiety. I'm witnessing him struggle and unable to focus, and it's honestly very hard and tiring on me to keep it together, but I understand. I'm no better, I'm volitile and my emotions fluctuate so quickly that Im just tired majority of the day. I can go from crying and frustrated about why I can't think straight, to super angry and I punch a wall to feel some sort of physical pain to just to stop thinking. I feel guilty whenever I talk about my issues with my partner, but I know he's supportive and wants to help. This past couple weeks I've been thinking that maybe a break will be beneficial for both of us to learn how to cope with our mental states, but the idea of being separated scares (he's afraid of me hurting myself, and I'm afraid if he can he can get through the day with out having extreme anxiety). I've found the courage to bring it up, but he said that he needs a plan B. He says that he's there for me, and I believe him. It's just unsettling to hear, and I just don't know how to feel or what to do.

i dont really know what to do with myself right now, i genuinely feel like i'm going insane... - i'll try to make this short but i just broke up with my boyfriend of 5-6 months, keep in mind i have never dated a male until him because i was only attracted to women. he has borderline personality disorder. in the beginning, we seemed like a match made in heaven because we had the same humor, he always made it clear that he wanted to "stay with me for a while" and i just kind of agreed, because i did love him as a romantic partner for months. he would slowly develop a dependency and unhealthy need to talk to me. he would start to see me as if i could do absolutely no wrong, i was perfect to him. everything was 'fine' and somewhat okay until he started to tell me all of his problems because he didn't have the funds for a therapist apparently - and me, being the absolute nonce i am, i decided to play the knight in shining armor, the go-to person for when he has a panic attack when i clearly am not in the right state of mind right now (high-functioning autism, severe clinical depression, psychosis from this relationship). his problems including me not responding or leaving the call, or me getting a bit irritated with him in general. in response to these problems he would end up blocking me, getting piss drunk, and one time, trying to shoot himself - and someone walked in on him and hid the gun. this particular time he decided to come to my house afterwards and repeatedly hit himself and call himself an idiot and a failure while i am visibly snot-nosed mascara running down my neck sobbing. many similar events like this happened before i got a message from his friend that said "whatever you do, don't leave \[redacted\]" and i just began thinking about how i developed psychosis in such a small period of time while being with him, and how it probably wasn't healthy for him either. i started freaking out and just straight up tried breaking up with him in a call because he wasn't available to come over. i told him that i think we should stay friends, and he said something like "oh. alright" and left the call, and called that same friend. i was messaged by that friend saying "why would you do that" when i have explained several times why that might happen. i tried explaining to him that i want to stay friends because he holds a special place in my heart and i love him platonically, but he decided to manipulate me again and try to justify himself, basically he said "alright here's what i'm gonna do, i'm gonna move to my mom's house, block you and everyone close to me, and never speak to any of you again" and i just kind of laughed because how fucking typical, right? i kept trying to get him to understand but it's BPD, it's difficult. he then blocked me and all his friends and went to sleep at his mom's house. i just feel broken and absolutely awful, guilty, and i feel like i led him on, which i did, and i dont know how to justify that so i won't. i'm scared he'll do something to himself, and i'm scared that he'll think to himself that he has no reason to exist because i'm "not there anymore" when in reality, only the intimate part would change if we stay friends - which isn't that big of a change as of recently. i feel like trash and i've had self-destructive thoughts but pushed them away because i'm clean for 4 years now. i don't know how to deal with this, how to stay his friend, how to not get manipulated back into a relationship with him, and how to keep him safe (which isnt even my job in the first place). i feel like i've lost myself, my values, my sanity, and my ability to care for myself. i'm being honest here, i'm just looking for support. i'm fishing for support because it's what i emotionally need. my friends have helped but not much - i just needed to rant and hear feedback from people that don't know this person, and arent being unknowingly manipulated by him. please.

I don’t know if this is the right subreddit, I just wanted to know if there’s some psychological reason for me being such a hater. I hate hearing people type, eat, chew gum, sniff,swallow even. I don’t like when people’s skin touches mine. I don’t like when people’s lips or hands move weird. I hate when people ask me questions, even simple ones like “where are you going?”. Very hypocritical when I love asking questions. All these simple, everyday things make me irrationally angry. Have to leave the room when someone’s eating cuz I feel like I’ll explode and when someone’s arm brushes mine it feels like I’ve been touched with sandpaper and I want to fight them.

I’m no doctor, but something is seriously off with my husbands moods. I told him to get help but he gets offended. He has moments of high energy where he over talks, obsesses over random things he talks about, gets kinda jittery etc, when he’s acting like that, though he may seem overly happy, he’s easily triggered. When he’s triggered it could be from me not paying full attention to all the details or rambling he’s saying, it sets him off, then it’s really hard to snap him out of it. He starts yelling and saying all sorts of mean stuff to me, when he’s finally done with that episode he gets depressed and wants to stay in bed all day. I’ve known bipolar people but they were ALL on meds so I never witnessed anything out of the ordinary. Does this sound like bipolar? Does anyone have experience with this?

It's Incubus for me. The Make Yourself album is almost like a therapy session for me. Morning View, A Crow Left of the Murder, and Light Grenades all have some songs that really get me too.

It might be this year, it might be next year, hell, it might even be 10 years, but I just feel like when my life DOES end, it's gonna be by my own hands. One day I'll finally give in, one day I'll lose control and do it...

I'm having a lot of trouble keeping up at work. I'm absolutely stellar when I'm stable or manic, but I recently started treatment and I've been trying to stay balanced and not stay up late and without mania I just can't seem to keep up. The time I get between episodes is like nothing; it's not nearly enough time to get enough done to compensate for the downtime, which is most of the time. I feel like I'm drowning and I just look incompetent and lazy, but I'm smart and fast and excellent and I wish they could see it, I'm just struggling right now. Those of you lucky enough to be employed, how do you do it? How do you keep up?

It's driving me crazy. I wake up SO ANGRY and anxious and stressed out. I want to go back to the nightmares about being chased by a giant monster, or about screaming at my old boss, or about my teeth falling out. ANYTHING BUT THIS. Like, I already knew that I'm a control-freak who can't delegate because I have no confidence in the people around me. It's a waking nightmare. I don't need it in my dreams too!

My boyfriend found out he was dying of cancer and left me. He said it was to avoid hurting me. I don’t feel anything. Like, I felt heartbroken during the event. But once he left it was completely over. I’m not happy or sad. I just don’t feel anything. I feel insanely normal and excited to look for my next act of the fun kind of self destruction. I was begging him not to leave me. It was the most important thing ever during the event. But now he’s blocked me. And for some reason I just feel regular. Could I be a antisocial or histrionic? Is it normal to be like this?

Depression is a common symptom found in most of the people. A person may experience this issue when he or she didn't get the result as expected. Here are few symptoms and treatment to bring down your depression level. To get more articles of mental health click [Blogs - Therapy & Mental Health Care Sessions | Being Therapy](https://www.beingtherapy.ca/blog/) ​ https://preview.redd.it/ued9jjacluh71.jpg?width=1587&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=ee0ad3eec687dddb7d5d765ec7b76fc6fb2d24bb

i am so pessimistic about future. i need to choose a path but i dont know. everything is boring to me . i wish i was sent to an artistic school or army school where i get to do physical things. i dont want an office job. i dont want to do anything. i used to want to be an engineer but it looks so boring now. why i couldnt born in norwegia and get paid for being jobless? fuck. i studied computer engineering for 1 year and it made me depressed. i thought it was the university but it wasnt. i wish i just died. i am so aimless. everything looks lame. boring.

I wear clothes that belong to people I love when I start to get bad. A baby blue knit sweater I borrowed from my sister before we stopped talking. A faded green shirt my ex was tossing out, so worn it had taken on a blanket like softness that now requires being washed on gentle to keep it from falling apart. A pastel yellow Hurley shirt my mom wore during the couple years I remember seeing her happy when I was little. And an obnoxiously bright purple knit poncho that was my grandmas favorite when she died. Usually these work. I haven’t been sleeping well because I started waking myself up screaming again. I literally considered trying to tape my mouth shut but you know breathing is important. Im exhausted. I just want to be hugged until I fall asleep.

Litrally 5 mins after being sober i’m already back to wanting to unalive myself. Yay glad to know weed works as an antidepressant atleast for me

To keep it short: I used to be bubbly, outgoing and carefree about meeting people. Looking back I think I had the mindset that I was fun, and never doubted that people would find me awkward or quiet. And they didn't! Fast forward 3 years and a work burnout paired with the pandemic, I haven't met up any of my friends or colleagues since march 2020. And before that I used to avoid most things I was invited to because I felt uncomfortable inmy own skin. It was lowkey probably always there. I've tackled a lot of self doubts at work through 2020 but socialising again is my last hoop to jump through. Have any of you had a experience with this? I know that I have to do things to get my life back, and I know that I can eventually, the awkwardness and ruminating thoughts are just so painful! I feel I conjure up phobias just from overthinking them for weeks beforehand. How do I deal with the hyperfocused feeling when you see the person face to face, where you just can't think or feel natural?

I think my mental health have worsen. Why I have nothing I am good at literally nothing. Why am I still here when I offer nothing to the world why still let me stay and struggle here? Why not just make an accident so I can go peacefully and why god still want me here? I have nothing in life, nothing to hold nothing to look forward nothing that help me. I try so hard to improve but everything is the same no matter how hard I do. I always thought thing you will get good at with time but I am wrong sometime if you have zero talent I give you 10 years time everything still stay the same. I am stupid and bad at everything I do. I am emotional and I am easily get hurt so why I am still here why?I am not even kind to the world.

hi. I’m new to the subreddit but I’ve been struggling for a while. I’ve always struggled with symptoms of anxiety and depression but since moving to college so much shit has happened. two friends have gone to the hospital for self harm and i recently started cutting. I used to hit my legs but it doesn’t give me enough release anymore. i can’t get out of bed to go to classes some days and i mentally can’t cope with all the friends I’ve lost, even just in the past month. my best friend is in treatment right now and i don’t have any diagnoses but i feel so attached to him that i don’t think I could go a whole day without him anymore. i don’t know what to do or how to get help. I’ve reached out to my RA, the school therapist, someone at the dean of students office and none of it helps. therapy was nice but my next appointment is in a month and i don’t have access to my insurance because of my parents so I can’t seek therapy outside of the free temporary school therapist who is extremely overbooked. i don’t know how much longer I can do this. any advice appreciated.

I just got my first weighted blanket. I have struggled with waking up at 5 AM and not being able to go back to sleep my whole entire life. Since getting the weighted I have slept more this week than in my whole combined and I feel As if I am catching up on all the sleep I lost over the past few years! Everyone should invest in one especially if you have trouble sleeping.

Does anyone else experience shortness of breath, tightness in chest, chest pain, dizziness, etc every day despite not having an actual panic attack? Sometimes I feel like these symptoms caused anxiety, instead of anxiety causing them. I’m so worried that it’s something more since it’s throughout the day. Is this common? I’m kind of new to anxiety…

I recently went through a breakup... caught him talking to other girls, broke up... he found out i hooked up with someone else when we were apart and we tried to get back together and work it out but he freaked out and said he couldn't do it anymore. Blocked me on everything, no further explanation. A huge part of me feels guilty, like my BPD was what caused him to be insecure or unsure about our relationship. But another part of me knows that I gave EVERYTHING to that relationship. I wanted it to work so bad, cared about him so much. Started therapy to make sure i wouldn't destroy things... was honest with him, tried to take responsibility after fights and explain to the best of my ability why i react to crazy sometimes and what triggers me. Told him about my abandonment issues. Did SO much for him like i gave the world to this guy. He fucks up and can't get over me doing something when i was single and hurting?? I get that we fuck up all the time having BPD. But we also give SO much to other people. When we love someone, every action, even the bad ones, are all to try to desperately save or keep relationships while protecting ourselves. We love so intensely. Idk, just spilling my thoughts right now but i just feel like what he did was the cruelest thing anyone has ever done to me. Like he understood why i'm this way and i made so much effort to get better or hold my feelings in and not take things out on him like 75% of the time. Idk, i feel like it was very scary and hard to love someone like that and try to be better for the sake of the relationship and for him to not even want to try.

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Hi guys, I’m a 21 year old female with pretty severe social anxiety. I’ve been putting in a lot of work, but something I can’t get past is the fact I get physical symptoms. They range from shaking, to sweating, to (the worst) facial twitching. My face, lips, cheeks, eyes, it all just breaks out into twitches (at the same time) when I try to socialize. My doctor recommended magnesium, but I don’t see much improvement. I’m pretty mortified by it. I’ve gotten some bad responses from people when it happens. Mentally, I feel like I have my bad thoughts under control. But the twitching is truly holding me back. I feel so much shame. I know I have to accept it, but idk how knowing that i’m most likely going to face people who either point it out or get visibly uncomfortable. If anyone has tips on acceptance, I would really appreciate it. I’ve been to many doctors and they all say it’s due to severe supressed social anxiety.

I’ve been extremely anxious about registering for my classes this semester and keep overthinking the worst outcomes for it. It’s making me continue avoiding the task but I’m also on a deadline so my stress just worsens. I was able to do this last semester but for some reason it is worse this time. DAE deal with stuff like this? I feel like I make my own life harder by just existing.

Very often when I’m in a situation that spikes my anxiety higher than usual I break out in splotchy red hives all over my chest and a bit up my neck too. It’s never itchy or anything but it’s very noticeable. It usually hangs around for about anywhere between 10-30 minutes. As a lot of my anxiety is socially based, it’s usually happening in front of people and to make it worse they often point it out. And if I’m in a social setting it will often come and go a few times. It’s so embarrassing and I’m so over it! It’s gotten to the point where I’ll often try to wear high neck tops to cover my chest and when people point out the rash to me I usually make up some vague story about allergies. This might be a useless question but does anybody have advice on what couple help with this? I really really hate it so anything is appreciated. Thanks 🙏

Hi everyone. Looking for some advice on mechanisms you personally found help you talk yourself down. For context, I've been dating a guy for just about 6 months. He's the best person that I've ever met...loyal, thoughtful. He understands that I'm a little bit clingy and doesn't make me feel bad at it and attends to my needs. I think we're very suited for eachother, he needs reassurance too, and if there's one thing I'm good at it, it's showing and telling someone I love them 😂 Well, we had our first earthquake yesterday (that's what I call it when I freak out.) Typing this out makes me feel silly, and I can realize how minor it is now. We were laying in bed and I tried ...(you know). I had just gotten over covid and it has been awhile lol. He turned over and grabbed his phone and said oh my gosh there are a couple tik tok videos I meant to show you yesterday but I forgot (ps, watching tik tok videos together is not our thing, I don't like the platform and I don't even have an account.) Things I felt in that moment: embarrassed, rejected, stupid, unattractive, and unappealing. Needless to say...I shut down. And I mean down. I couldn't even speak, I started tearing up. He noticed I was upset, but he claims he thought I was kidding. I rolled over and after about 10 minutes he asked if "I was done yet". Which hurt even more. He got up to shower after he said this "is exactly how he wanted to start the day" (sarcastically, ofcourse), and I got up to make his bed. When he came in the room, I said I was going to go home. He started to panic, told me no. Said all of these sweet things to try to convince me to stay. To summarize, when I cooled down a little bit from the fight, which was bad, I told him I have a lot of issues and I don't want to put him through that anymore (not great). He started to cry, he was so upset. Anyways, I guess my question is ...what could I have done, said, thought in that first moment of feeling rejected to prevent all of the above from escalating? Any tips? I'm afraid this fight is going to cause him to leave me. This is a pattern of behaviour for me and it ends the same every time.

Usually I get seasonally depressed but have not for a couple years now. My partner betrayed my trust and now I can't stop thinking of my future/future children being mistreated or getting divorced. I have panic attacks. I can't stop thinking suicidal ideations if I have to give up having children because of my partners lack of accountability and responsibility. I'm being overly dramatic right now. How do you calm yourself down and move on?

Im almost 27, i live alone since last year (with my cat) and i cant make any friends. Im too busy with my masters degree, always in the lab, sometimes on weekends too. I live in a shitty country so our economy sucks, im very, very, very broke. For example i have 2 more weeks for my next paycheck but i dont have any money left, so i cant go anywhere. Im okay with the idea to go to the places i enjoy, like restaurants, concerts, cinema etc but as you see i dont have any money so im stuck at home. I have nothing to do at home and the more i stuck the more i get depressed. My family is far from here, ill be alone on new year too. What do you suggest for me to feel a little bit better?

I think I just experienced psychosis. I heard the noise of someone breaking into my house and could hear my parents and dogs downstairs. I remember it sounded like my mother was panicking. I put clothes on as fast as I could and when I left my room there was nothing happening. I started noticing I might be manic yesterday but looking back now I probably have been manic for longer. I'm going to call a doctor in the morning. I don't know if I am bipolar or not because I've never gone to a doctor about it but this has pushed me to do it.

I was wondering if we could hold a meetup for the suicidal people here. I used to be extremely depressed before, and have tried offing myself twice before, but I've fully recovered from it. I know how much a community helps, how much having someone by your side helps, especially when they're going through the same stuff as you. It would be fantastic if we could organize a meetup in a few cities around the world. I don't know if there has been something like this in this subreddit before. Let me know what you guys think, and please suggest what major cities we can meet up in :)

Today, I had my first phone call with a nearby DBT program for BPD. I don't think I was entirely prepared for the preliminary phone evaluation to see if I qualify. I was pretty anxious, but otherwise fine and even downright chipper (defense mechanism) until it got to questions like, "Have you ever feared that you were going to be abandoned by someone close to you?" Straight forward enough. "Yes, my mom, my best friends, my girlfriend." "Did you ever act on that fear and if so, how? What did you do to prevent them from abandoning you?" How could I possibly describe some of the darkest places of my mind and behavior? On a phonecall, to a woman I just "met", in real time while she's waiting there taking notes? I tried to answer, and just burst out crying to this complete stranger on the other end of my speakerphone button. I apologized. I tried to explain between choking tears. Explained this was my first time seeking treatment and the answers to some of these questions were some things I've never even verbalized before. These beginning evaluations are excruciating because YOU know you need the help. They, in turn, are trying to determine to what extent. They need to ask these probing questions and you need to answer honestly. It's simple. BUT It's hard to face the fear of being judged, even by a mental health professional. It's so difficult to share these often embarrassing feelings, thoughts and behaviors. You're not proud of yourself; that's why you're there. You acknowledge things like that you can get angry, but insist you don't get THAT angry. An effort to persuade them or maybe yourself? There's this delicate line of wanting to give them just enough information so you can even get into the program, yet not enough that's going to send you into into a tailspin that you're unable to cope with the second you hang up. I hung up wanting desperately to have said the right things so I can get the help. The first phone call is the most terrifying, right? I'm trying to convince myself that. In reality, I know that most likely subsequent calls to different places might also be just as difficult. At least I'm a teensy more prepared and I made the first step. Small victories though? I just really hope I can get in. Thanks for letting me vent and if you read all of this.

Hey guys. I was wondering if anyone has gotten left arm pain/numbness and been convinced it was a Heart attack? It has it had last night and really thought I was dying. Woke up and was fine all day it’s back a little now. Is this just my anxiety’s way of presenting itself? Pls respond

I (23f) finally had the courage and strength to tell my boyfriend (25) I didn't love him anymore. I last spoke to him on Sunday and explained I was sick of the lies and his attitude towards my mental health and BPD. He rang me just now asking what was going on and I explained again. More lies and abuse on the phone. He was trying to turn it around on to me but I was strong enough to tell him to fuck off. I actually feel really proud of myself. It was a 4 and a half year relationship that was brilliant at the beginning but the last year had been going downhill. He was my favourite person. However all I want to do now is self-destruct to get over him and the loneliness more. I've got the urge to use drugs and drink myself into a state where I don't even remember my own name and to go and sleep with whoever I can find to make me forget him, or just spend all of my money... I just need that extra strength to keep calm and not self destruct, which will be really hard because we are both supposed to be going to a club tomorrow night with our friends. He has a habit of getting his way and I don't want to see him there because I know he will try and win me back but I don't want to relapse if you get me. ARGH.

anyone simply just experience a feeling of constant panic all the time? it's not even necessarily cognitive, but a feeling of constant nervousness, like i just can't relax. sometimes an event can occur and i'll feel reverberating anxiety 2 weeks later. i'm always ruminating about particular issues (people, existential, political, etc), and i feel like i cannot do anything else until they are resolved. and because life is complicated, simple, absurd, and predictable, the 'solution' often never comes. yet i continue to obsess over choices i have made, timelines i may have brought on, and other quandaries about the schema of my life. i recognize that i may need to go (back) on medication, but it's frustrating that i can't seem to live like a normal person. on the outside i am pretty chill and charismatic, but on the inside i feel like i am being turned inside out. can anyone else relate?

My life’s been going down hill for a while now. My best friend backstabbed me, I’ve gotten worse at my sport, and the girl I like likes someone else. Every day just feels like the same crap get on my phone feel good for a bit then it wears off. Take a nap, eat dinner then sleep. I am failing school I can get any motivation to get school done. I don’t know if this is depression but I wanted to vent.

I'm a pretty frequient alcohol drinker and I don't plan to stop. So I got prescribed Stresam the other day and I wonder how safe if would be to take Stresam when drunk or before drinking. P.S can't ask the prescribing doctor because it's the middle of the night.

I validate her feelings constantly and assure her, both verbally and through actions, that she has my absolute support. We’ve been close friends for 8 years and mutually supportive through a lot of shit. I fear that my validation of her feelings reads as me agreeing with her perception of a social interaction triggering her anxiety, and I fear that I’m making her feel like she should be embarrassed, when I’m just trying to be validating. How do I validate her without feeding into her shame? I can’t say “I understand why you feel that way” when we have a totally pleasant and uneventful interaction with a grocery checker, that she sees as embarrassing. I want to be as validating as possible though. What do I say? I just want her to love herself like I love her because she’s fucking amazing and deserves all of the love in the world. How do I help her learn to love herself?

Trigger warnings: sexual assault, suicide, self harm Long story short here. I was molested/raped by my ex stepfather when I was young. I'm 35 now and I still breakdown crying over it. Any random thing that even vaguely reminds me of him will set me off. I check obituaries constantly to see if he's dead yet. Some days the memories are so overwhelmingly vivid that I think about suicide. I've been self harming ever since. It just feels like it's ingrained in everything I am and I hate it.

i just don't think that i am cut out to live. everything is such a needless struggle when it comes to me, whether it be studies or socialising or being happy. i'm going to give a really weird analogy- say there was a weight loss pill that was guaranteed to work on everyone who wanted to lose weight without fail. it wouldn't work on me. that's just the kind of person i am, if that makes any sense. my parents have invested so much into me financially and my brother and friends have invested so much into me emotionally but everything they've tried to do with any of my problems just doesn't work. i've been suicidal in the past, but after seeing how that messed my brother up, i know it isn't an option and i don't really feel that way. i owe it to so many people to be so much better than i currently am, but i'm just not, no matter how hard i try. i don't want to die (i am very scared of death now) but i feel as though life (especially a life as privileged as mine) is to be enjoyed and used to the maximum, but i can't do it. i can't do anything in life successfully and everyone would've been so much better off if i had never been born, but now that i am here, i have an obligation to stay as 'leaving' would cause so much more trauma and mess up even more lives beyond my own, pulling people into my mess of an existence when they were thriving before. it's already paining others around me to see me be this person. i don't know what to do.

anyone who is suffering from anxiety depression instead of medication i ll suggest you yo try meditation well it wont be easy for you to do that but believe me you wont regret this well this is long process. thats how i overcame with this and i would like to share this to you guys as well it might sound childish or something idk but believe me the surity of you overcoming this shit by meditation is 100%