Datasets:

Kanakmi

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mental-disorders

like 9

She doesn't want to talk to me anymore. I get it. I know myself. And I've pulled her through so much shit. It's been an hour now, which i spent listening to music to distract myself. But it's not working anymore. I'm scared of the crash. It's coming, I can feel it. I can feel the emptiness setting in.

Hi, I 26M am in a relationship with a girl 23F I really like. We've been dating for 10 months now and her anxiety is becoming more difficult to navigate. Moving forward in the relationship I'd like to talk to some you here about anxiety and how to better understand someone who deals with anxiety. I've spoken with it about her and she's explained it's irrational and has no basis but at the same time she can't control her it. I've found that in many of my relationships my partner had a fear that I'm going to leave them or someone other form of relationship anxiety. To combat this I've been always been open and honest with my partners and reassured them that they are the only woman I'm interested in. I don't entertain other woman, I've kept things exciting (IMO) We go on weekly dates, weekend getaways, have gone on 2 vacations I text encouraging messages for important events or whenever I feel like it, listening to her concerns and worry's, surprise her with flowers and spontaneous lunch dates, post her on my Instagram and introduce her to my friends/ expand her social network ect... I'm not perfect but I treat her the way she deserves to be treated, like a human being. She great, she does so much for me and always makes sure I'm content. She pushes me to be a better person, emotionally, socially and in my career. I'm doing my best to let her know that Im interested in her and that I'm not the type of person who will just up and leave, but as time goes on it's beginning to take its toll on me I don't know what else I can do. I've asked her if there are any triggers or things I can do to help put her mind at ease but she just says she has abandonment issues and she needs to work on it. At this point it's I'm here because I'm hoping I can get more insight into what having anxiety is like. I want to understand so I can help her, and help our relationship so I can better handle it for myself so it's doesn't get to be an unbearable load. Any advice or tips on how to manage her anxiety/talk to her or what to do in general would be appreciated. Thank you for taking the time to read. TLDR: Girlfriend dealing with anxiety about me leaving her, please help me understand what anxiety is like and how to manage it better.

I am struggling with a lot right now. When I have an outburst/episode it’s loud. I can’t calm down for a long time. I am trying so hard to get a handle on this and it has been months since my last episode. But I went outside after snapping out of it and there are packages on the step. The new mail lady I was getting to know in my new town had to have heard me. I am so ashamed and full of self hatred. This happened at my last home and I didn’t leave the house, even go in the yard, until I moved here. I can’t fathom showing my face after that. Sometimes the shame is so unbearable i want any way out possible. After this happens I just hide. Whole day shot, all I can do is hide. Does anyone else struggle with this? How do I go on? I cannot even put into words how terrible I feel. Shame, disgust with myself, but it’s so strong. Anyone who can relate I appreciate you

So my girlfriend is in love with halsey and I listened to halsey's music because of her and checked her social medias and her like mini biography and little stuff about her so I can bond about it with my girlfriend since she really loves halsey (we're talking about her having a fan account for halsey). I do not know why, but whenever I check halsey's social medias or her music or pictures of her, I get this super weird anxiety feeling and get that angry feeling where your head gets tense? Does anybody else experience this orrrrrr. I just do not know why. Thank you in advance :"")

Hi everyone ! So good be been battling my depression for well over a decade now(26m). Recently it’s gotten much worse so I finally gave in and got medicated. I suffer from depression and anxiety regularly. What’s your experience with bupropion?

If anyone wants to know my life story i'll tell them, but cliff notes, i felt like i had bpd since i was 15 maybe (i switched between dependence disorder and bpd but now im back on bpd). i've never wanted to be on meds but every time i was forced on one (aboutn4/5 different ones) with a da/few days i tried to or wanted to kill myself (or other negative effects). I dont feel emotions most of my week. I partly didnt even consider i had bpd again until after i feel inlove with someone earlier in the year, for some reason i felt like we should break up but i loved them and ignored it, we only saw each other once a week, together i never wanted to leave, apart (because of her 2 jobs) i constantly felt nothing or like i didnt care for her, then when we had our problems (her working and not being available for a relationship) i for weeks felt like i could finally let go and move on with my life. i did, the day after i cried and wanted them back, the day after crying i thought i was over them and overracted. since them i havent felt much of anything but i guess my emotions are back now.....i want to kms ​ i watched a few videos on bpd, one doctor said people with bpd ruin lives or destroy those who they are with...idk...it just resonated with me...maybes thats what i do, i've always felt that meds (despite me refusing to take them and being forced) have always made me worse, not only made me worse but made me worse within a day of taking them (warning is after taking them for a couple weeks but i feel ad effects within days), i dont even think i fully fit bpd but, this is what fits the most right now, does it get better? i dont know what i should be expecting the rest of my life besides feeling empty and unable to be with anyone. i just want to feel normal? maybe im susposed to die alone, maybe no one knows whats wrong with me, doctors dont know what the fuck im trying to talk about, or dont listen and throw me on meds (my life was the best it had ever been before randomly getting put on ssri's which made me attempt suicide kick starting the life that leads to right now) i ruin lives, that youtuber, doctor, old person, was right, i'll delete when i wake up, just ignore this

this both breaks my heart and makes me very uncomfortable and avoidant. ​ I fear that telling my friend (that I have now learned has been an FP to me all this time since knowing him) about this will push him away and make him not want to be my friend anymore. I fear that he will eventually see sides of me that he doesn't like and will run off. he doesn't know that I have been deeply attached to him all this time, that I full on idealize/worship him, doesn't know that I love him, but will go through periods where I am so hurt and offended by him because he doesn't show me enough care or attention or just doesn't text me back. ​ my mother is someone who doesn't understand how I can even be depressed. she doesn't understand how anything can be wrong with me, but she has been the one who has lived in denial that my father was abusive to me all my childhood all these years. she has cried and said she's tried to be the best mother for us, which I understand, but then she goes back to her same attitude and view on him. it makes me absolutely uncomfortable having to tell her I have borderline personality disorder. I don't want to do it; I just feel it will send us in these repetitive cycles of me wanting her to understand but she doesn't. She just doesn't get it. ​ my father was abusive all of my childhood, and last year, at the age of 20, was when he decided to apologize. I thought throughout the year that I finally healed from his abuse being able to confront him directly. but now I realize&find out I have BPD. how will one take that because of them, their child (and probably all my other siblings, too) have a severe mental illness that started from his violent abuse and neglect?

Okay so I got offered a GREAT job but there was slight miscommunication in the beginning because I broke my phone and they couldn’t get ahold of me even though I called and told their call center to email HR and new boss my phone number but they didn’t. Regardless they told me a start date and I went through the background checks and drugs tests. I’m supposed to start tomorrow but I wasn’t told if I passed the drug test or if I passed the background check. I emailed HR today asking if everything was good to start tomorrow but I think they may be closed for Memorial day and now I’m freaking out that they called my old number telling me I didn’t get the job and I’m gonna show up tomorrow and they’re gonna be like why are you here? Any advice? or really anything? Am I being crazy?

We'll never be normal, I'll never be normal. I'm so ashamed of myself and my illness, having to explain to people who become important in my life that, I am unstable and self-destructive. I don't want to be like this, I don't want to have this for the rest of my life. I'll never know what normality is and that's all I want, is to be normal. I just want to be loved and cuddled and told everything will be okay. I remind myself to "breathe darling, it's just a chapter, not the whole story" but it's hard when you're battling to just slam the book shut entirely, and let it close forever. My thoughts are all jumbled I'm sorry, just needed to vent. Thanks for reading.

I am a 18 M and I'm curious about dying and im not sure how to deal with this. I have been wanting to die so much recently and its almost a daily thought but its not because life sucks or anything like that im just curious and i feel so lonely all the time that i dont feel as though i would be missed. Life has just been so dull for the past few years that the only time i feel like im not on autopilot is when im doing something that if i fuck it up i would most likely die. I dont feel like i should talk about these feelings to anyone so im ranting on the internet about them.

Every morning I get super down and full of anxiety about going to work to the point where I feel like eathier calling in often or just not showing up and maybe hopefully he will eventually fire me. I know I should be grateful for this job but I hate it. The boss doesnt care about us, the assistant manager acts like we are her little minions...we all just seem so unhappy there. I've been trying to find another job but nothing yet! I can only hope I find something else soon...anyone else have everyday work anxiety?

Type 2 here. Majority of year I was stable. I think I experienced mild depression? I feel like life is meaningless. I have no real plans for the future. I'm bored of life. Being stuck at home doesn't help. My friends are busy. I'm not working. I lost interest in my hobbies. (Maybe I just need something new to be passionate about?) I think I'll be more happy when the fall semester starts. At least I'll have something to keep myself busy. I've been like this since 2020.

I have this really bad tendency to freak out about the miniscule of things and confirm with others many number of times. Sometimes, it also becomes almost irrational. Most of the times, I annoy the hell out of the other person and I feel guilty but my chest still feels gloomy and heavy (does anybody feel the same?) Today, I had a zoom class online. One of the many worries with zoom for someone like me is that I have to constantly check whether I am muted. I called up my best friend to join class (because I was the only other person apart from my teacher and how awkward is that). But it turned out that she was skipping class and she was going back to sleep (this part is tmi but...), so I jokingly swore at her (you know...f\*\*\* you) I do remember the tiny red mic which says that I am muted, but still, I can't help but worry that somehow my teacher heard me and that I swore in front of her. I also remember unmuting myself after that call to ask my teacher whether I could exit the meeting so I was probably muted. But my worries override my common sense and it keeps me on my toes throughout the day. I have this gloomy fear all day and I even confirmed with my mum and best friend that, "yes, you were muted, don't worry." The problem is that I can't. It even featured in my dreams when I took a nap--that my teacher somehow heard it. Thinking back now, if she actually did hear me talking to my friend, she would have mistaken me for speaking to her so she herself would've unmuted to ask what was going on. But she didn't so I was probably muted. I had another class with her today and she acted normal. I know, my rational mind knows that there's no problem but I can't relax. What should I do? I know that I have already annoyed my friend by confirming a multiple of times. And this isn't the first time... I keep worrying and over worrying, and everything spirals. So much so that I am almost convinced that it happened. . . . oh god, what if she did hear it?

I had my first suicidal thought at the age of 10. For a long time, whenever I tried to tell people that I wanted to die, nobody actually listened to me and I was punished instead of anyone trying to help. 20 years later, I still want to die. It's gone on so long that I don't really want anything else. It's so ingrained that it feels impossible to change. I no longer feel like there's a reason for me feeling this way, it's the way I am now. I've had therapy and medication for the last decade and I still want to die. I've tried making something of myself and doing things I enjoy, but even when I'm happy I still feel like death is what I need. I've given up now and spend all my days doing nothing in my parents' house. They're constantly worrying about me, which has reduced my levels of enthusiasm and motivation even more. I would like to be doing more with my life, but I don't know what I want to do. I have no interest in work or education. People keep telling me that things can get better, but I don't even care if it does. I want to die and that's all. So none of the mental health support I receive is helping. However, there is a part of me that wants to care more, since there should be better options than suicide. I just don't know how to get out of this incredibly deep rooted thinking pattern.

i want to d!e but im too weak to actually do it so im planning to st@b myself somewhere in my body i want to know what will k!ll me and what wont ive been thinking of doing it in the thigh and please if youre going to tell me to not do it or go to a therapist dont bother ive been taking precribed meds ive been to therapy i have a loving girlfriend and many friends but nothing helps so just tell me the best place where i can do it and maybe d!e maybe not d!e

So I’m not in the best mental space at the moment. I’ve got a new friend and I’m doing the thing where you’re not sure if they’re going to stick around so you overthink everything and read into every bit of body language or word they say. I’m really intense at the start of friendships because I constantly seek reassurance. I hate it so much but I can’t stop it because I get worse without it. Anyway, the new friend I’ve been talking to is a really nice guy and he reassures me every time I need it. But yesterday he sent me a message that was mostly positive but I can’t stop fixating on a few lines. Here’s the message: “I genuinely don't mind. I'm happy to listen. tbh I have a lot of friends and family and work stuff and this relationship is more of a time commitment than I expected, but as long as you're patient with me and understanding about other things that draw on my time, I'm happy to try to be a good friend to you. Honestly, I just think you need a few good friends which would make you feel more secure, which would, in turn, enable you to find more good friends. You are a little intense, but I can handle it, and I understand where it's coming from. I think you're in a tough position - you need to communicate so I understand you, but it's a lot to share which would overwhelm and scare people off, which must make it hard to make new meaningful relationships. You certainly seem like a good person. Honestly, I feel like you ask more about me and try to help me, than I do you. I'm always willing to listen and I'd like to be someone you can rely on in that regard.” I know it’s the most positive response to my intensity that I’ve ever received but I keep fixating on “this relationship is more of a time commitment than I expected” and “you are a little intense”. Does anyone have any advice on how to stop this. I HATE THIS ILLNESS UGH

I so badly want to do it. Well I guess if is less the cutting itself but more the idea of what it may become. An infection, a little too deep and I’m free. The feeling where it becomes too much and I find my hand wrapped tightly around my throat, it lasts but seconds before I worry about a bruise too ugly to hide or a crushed windpipe that I just barley survive. That would be bad because then it would be clear they know and simply can’t bare to face it, that hurts more than if they where to simply not care. There’s a slight relief in knowing that a person is just evil rather than selfish, at least they would know their malevolence. I have never cut myself but I have spent collective hours wanting it, wishing I had so I could rub the scars in public subtlety when it all becomes too much but I can’t react to thoughts in my head. I won’t do it, though I wish I could.

I’m not sure if anyone can help or has had a similar experience but I just feel so abundantly anxious to the point I feel sick almost everyday. My head always hurts, my chest always feels tight, I’m tired but can’t sleep, and even when I’m not worrying I still feel those physical symptoms. I’m tired of worrying about every possible thing that can be worried about like money, health, and people. The physical symptoms make me worry that I’m terminally ill and I just feel overwhelmed for no reason. I guess this is my cry for help and just wanting assurance I’m not the only person feeling this way and advice on how to cope.

It’s to the point that I think I hate my life. The one thing that made it almost flawless until I ruined and not just ruined I fucking destroyed and I was more lost than I am now. But it got to the point where I knew what I had lost and needed to get it back right? For my happiness that’s what matters, right? Or should I let that one thing go and live and bloom and flourish without me to burden it. Right the answer seems so clear, but that leaves one thing. Me, unable to replenish that joy with anything. But that doesn’t matter does it because it is my fault so I deserve this. Right? I know the answer though she deserves better.

I know some shitty things have happened to me, but I feel like it’s not enough to develop something like this. It’s so hard to name what actually happened to me as a kid and I feel like a lot of times I’m making up scenarios and manipulating my own memory to make things feel more valid. I feel like I can’t remember jack shit half the time and I don’t know why I was this way. So many things feel like I can’t tell what’s real and what’s a dream. I also feel like I randomly “remember” things that occur and feel super triggering and shitty, but I don’t know if it’s real or not. I’m so lost. My shit wasn’t perfect. But I just feel like so many people with personality disorders have it so, so much worse and it doesn’t make sense that I developed like this when I probably didn’t have it that rough. How “severe” do things have to be for it to be valid ? How severe does trauma have to be for it to be a factor considered in BPD? Sorry this is all over the place. I just feel so lost and I wish I understood what was “enough” for this to make sense. I feel like an impostor all the time and that I deserve more shitty things happening to me so it all makes sense. Thanks a bunch if you read this.:) I appreciate that a lot, even if you feel too overwhelmed to comment. Being seen helps.

I’ve been recently looking into trying spinner rings or other therapeutic jewelry because one of the ways my anxiety manifests is picking my cuticles/skin around my nails. I recently got a new job in the health care field, and having open sores on my fingers isn’t going to work. I want to invested in some rings, but I need something of quality since I’ll be washing/sanitizing my hands frequently. Does any one have recommendations for nice quality anxiety rings and or jewelry?

did anybody else have issues with taking care of yourself as a child? i remember going through periods in which i wouldn't brush my hair, shower or brush my teeth. i also lived in straight up filth. this was from age 7 or so and i still have trouble taking care of myself today.

This year actually started quite good for me. I found a girl that brightened up my life after years of being alone. She is mental unstable because of events in the past, but in therapy and on medication for that. The first month went perfect, we even went on vacation. It was the first time I traveled by plane in another country. After the vacation, everything went downhill. First my car broke down, which I need for my job. After a few days of repair and an expensive bill (be aware, I just brought the trip, so I was already short on money), I got my car back and on the very day I got my car back, my girlfriend started getting more and more distant and had a mentally breakdown. After that, it first seemed everything would go better, but at one point we had a talk and she suggested a break because of her mental state and that she can't give me the attention I deserve. I was optimistic that after short time we might get back together and she told me, she was hoping to get there too, because her feelings were still there for me. Two weeks after our conversation, I got COVID infected and was unable to do anything for over a week. In that time, she was the loveliest and most caring person to me. Now two weeks after I recovered, she got silent again till today where I asked her about everything and all signs are leading to a full breakup. I just don't know to handle everything anymore. I can't eat and if I eat anything, it just comes right back. Sleep is rare and if I sleep, I have nightmares. At the moment I try talking to friend, try to play some of my favourite video games but everything feels like hard work and I just want to lie down and cry all the time. Any suggestions what I can try? Sorry for bad english, not my mother tongue.

I’m 28f & just been diagnosed but have been misdiagnosed as just depression/anxiety since I was 15yo. So naturally I’ve been doing some research.. all I have seen from other people’s experiences with someone who has bpd is that we’re emotionally abusive, selfish, evil, hypocrites. All of which I have just been called by my idfk ex? Sort of? 🤷🏻‍♀️ At first when I was researching I had hope .. that knowing what was wrong meant I could fix it. I can’t. He’s right. The love of my life hates me and it’s all my fault. I hate myself so much more though. All I wanted to do was be there for him when he needed me but instead I ended up adding to his pain. It’s not just him either.. I’ve fucked my entire life up. I have 2 children and I feel like a child myself. I don’t know how to be an adult. I’m going to ruin their future if I stay I just know it. The stress I gave my (foster) parents over the years because I cannot cope with life like a normal human being. I overreact at everything, I assume everyone is leaving if their facial expression changes even slightly, I have crazy rage, I’m paranoid, I’ve dealt with substance abuse, gambling. Any more boxes? I’m sure I’ll tick them. I don’t even know what the purpose of this is tbh I just don’t have anyone I can talk to and I’ve reached the point where I’m teetering on the edge and I can’t see a way back. I just want to sleep forever. I don’t want this anymore. Everyone is right.. I am a monster. Feels like I’m screaming inside and I’m guna burst. Idk how to make it stop. I just hope I can finally stop being a complete wimp and spare everyone my existence. Sorry

In elementry and middle school, I was socially bullied. I think it's had a profound effect on my anxiety and where it orignally started. Is this the same for anyone else?

My dad recently died and I was forced to switch schools. This took a huge toll on my mental health, especially with being sad more frequently. I’ve always hated my self, extremely, but since this, my self hatred is more present and WAY more overwhelming. Since my mom is supporting me and my sister on her own, there’s obviously a money issue, especially since my mom just lost her second job. I want help, like therapy and possible medication, but that stuff is sooo expensive. What gets to me is my sister already having medication and therapy, it makes me feel like I don’t matter as much as her. I also don’t want to make my mom feel bad about herself for having two depressed daughters if I actually have depression. Someone help me. What do I do? Do I do nothing or do I tell my mom??

Honestly, I really wonder what the point is sometimes. Why should I have to deal with being miserable all the time? I'm tired of being out of control. It's always going to feel this way, too. It's so hard to have a stable relationship with anyone- family, friends, guys. I even feel unstable around my puppy, what the hell. I've been so unstable and depressed for as long as I can remember. I feel like I ruin everything in my life. I'm tired, more than anything. No advice seems to help anymore. Anyone able to give some insight? I could really use a little help. I feel really hopeless.

All this shit makes me crazy

I've spent far too long dwelling on negative things that one person said in my life and this is a realization I came to today. I had a breakdown last night after receiving a few not nice texts from my ex-boyfriend. I then realized though, that even if I try to explain myself this person will never understand me. I think I get caught up in feeling like one negative opinion is who I am due to my lack of identity. I realized we can't even understand ourselves, let alone have somebody understand us. I think a lot of people have limited perspectives of this world and opinions that people have of us are often merely projections of themselves. You can explain to someone all you want about who you are, but comprehension is so much more important than words. The negative opinions of people, even if they are close doesn't hurt as much when you have a solid identity.

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Every decision I make, to make my life better or avoid a problem, everything fails. I am getting sunk in problems of my life. I have to fake my happiness to my parents and colleagues. I am tired, nothing is going right. I don't even remember when I was truly happy last time.

I am on Clozapin and valproic acid. I defently feel better on them, they helped tons. But now I can feel the mania coming back, Benn talking really much, sleep less so on and so on, my typical mix. I want to travel to an other city even tho it is really late to be reasonable. How do I contour it? I am currently in a psych ward and they want to release me soon so I don't really want to tell them. Any tips welcome!

Okay friends, here's the deal. I've been to the doctor and had my meds tweaked. Yesterday I was nearly manic I was so happy and hyper. Today...not so much. In fact today is a bit of a mess. I'm not sure if what's going on in my head is real, imagined or the fevered byproduct of the poison my doctor has me putting in my body. I'm at work (HA!) I'm disassociating really bad. I'm not sure who I am anymore. I don't know if my emotions and thoughts are real, I'm thinking everyone that loves me is just lying to me or somehow manipulating me (because why would anyone *actually* love **me**?) and I'm starting to panic. Circling the drain if you will. I'm not asking for anyone to find a solution for me...but it would be nice to have some friends around to help me get through the day and help me out of this trainwreck.

(27M) I started smoking weed 6 years ago because of loneliness. It helped me survive 5 years, but I had to stop 8 months ago. Since then I have been depressed, sad, suicidal, and hopeless. I am using antidepressants, but they are not helping either. I have friends, but I don't have a partner. I can't find someone, it is not possible. Some people are not meant to be with someone. I don't want to use it again, but I can't stand loneliness. I don't know what to do anymore.

Hi all. Hope you're doing fine. I just remembered that not too long ago, I was cuddling with my dog. I don't know why I did that but I took his paw and was shortly poking one of my breasts with it. I feel so, so disgusted by this. I love my dog and I hate people abusing them!! A dog can't consent and this is absolutely disgusting. I don't think I interpreted it as a sexual thing, more like a funny thing. I didn't take it seriously. But a dog can't say no or yes and I feel like I forced him to do it. You can hate me if you want. I feel horrible. Btw, I'm 24 years old. Not a teen.

It can be hard to feel heard and/or validated when struggling with this disorder, so I’m curious as to what helps you all feel heard and validated by loved ones. What are some things that help you to feel secure with someone when you’re having an episode? What makes you feel seen? I’d like to know of anything(s) that helps you guys feel safe and validated that are also healthy.

It hurts so much to think I'm getting better mentally only to have another relapse and just end up back where I started. I dont understand why this keeps happening and why I keep doing the same thing year after year expecting it to change. I must have my own version of insanity.

will wrapping a plastic bag round ur head and tying it round with tape work?

I don’t know if anyone else experiences this, but I’ve always gotten extremely emotional in a depressive episode and I always want my mom around. I also can’t be up most of the day due to inner ear issues. If it weren’t for that I would be up and walking all day everyday until the episode ended. Not sure how to get through this, I’m in too much pain. Stuck in bed nauseated, extremely depressed, etc.

I am like a steaming flying ball or tornado that is destructive and coming to do nothing but create pain and destroy. I’m a scary movie coming to a theater near you. If you abandon me, I will spend weeks plotting my revenge against you for hurting my feelings. If I let you then you decide you don’t want me anymore, I will feel nothing but betrayal, hurt and disappointment. I will take a gun and blow my brains out in your lap. If I can’t stop you from leaving, then fuck you I’m gonna stop you from breathing. I’ll say it’s the last time, know I’m lying and then impulsively cause you a bunch of pain a week later bc something made me feel rejected. I swear people don’t know the horror of abandonment. The pain and misery that comes from feeling left behind makes me want to die. I swear. Once upon a time we were love and care but now all I can do is start fights. If it’s not drama baggage and negativity it’s not my life. Someone kill me

I’ve been talking to this guy since February, on again off again. Our relationship is really unstable and triggers my abandonment issues. At the same time he struggles with his own mental health issues and we really connect deeply. I’m really depressed right now and decided to cut things off with him once again, so I can focus on myself and be the best version of myself. I’m really not able to be in a relationship rn. Plus he lives far away I just couldn’t see a future between us. I’ve been crying for days feeling so lonely. I’m so attached to him. I’ve been having dreams about him every night for a week straight now. Every day I wake up disoriented and extremely anxious, once I realize he’s not a part of my life anymore. These dreams feel so vivid and real. I wish I lived in my dreams where were in love and together.

I have struggled with mental health all my life. I usually have a pretty good handle on it, but when it hits it hits hard. I recently had my second child and I didn't think I was having issues. I was going thru the motions and exhausted but I was truly enjoying this last baby of mine and I was feeling generally happy. Then I went back to work. Since the US has shit maternity leave I was only able to be with my son for 5 weeks before I had to return full time. I wasnt exactly happy about it, which I expected, but I was still ok. Flash forward about 3 weeks to this Tuesday. I was dropping my son off with my mom and when I walked into her house her dogs started barking. It was super loud and I am not great with noise. I sat my son down to see if it had scared him and all of a sudden I just lost it. I physically could not control myself, no matter how hard I tried. I yelled (no words, just a guttural yell) and started sobbing uncontrollably. I kept repeating the words "no" and something like "I don't wanna do this". My mom tried but she couldn't calm me down. After a few minutes I was finally able to barely get out "I think I'm having a panic attack" and I grabbed my son and ran full force out of the house. We sat in my car for about 10 minutes while I calmed down. I ended up bringing my son to work with me that day. I don't think it was a panic attack, my breathing wasn't erratic and no chest pain. I couldn't tell you what happened, only that in that moment I felt truly terrified and I didn't know what I was afraid of or where it came from. I know on the way to my mom's I didn't feel right, but idk what exactly felt off. Since that day I have been trying so hard to get back to where I was a few weeks ago and I can't do it. I am now hyperfocused on what a piece of shit I am. I'm 70lbs heavier than I was before I had him and my boobs are sagging and my nipples are huge and gross and I just feel awful about myself. I haven't been taking care of myself at all. I can't remember the last time I brushed my hair. It's been a week since I brushed my teeth. I haven't shaved. Everything I wear makes me feel like a whale. All of these are things that come with having a baby and I know that, but that combined with whatever happened to me a few days ago have made me start thinking about some pretty fucked up shit... I want to talk to my husband but he just isn't equipped to deal with my mental health. I can't talk to my family bcuz they're the "I have it worse" types. I just absolutely hate myself right now and I don't know what to do about it...

i'm 19 years old, i was diagnosed with bpd last december and since january i have a doctor (i'm on therapy since more than a year). so my problem is that i went to the doctor to give me happy pills so i won't be depressed anymore. i mean i hoped that she could give me some medication what won't let my suicidal thoughts wake up so often. plus actually it would be just an extra to make me less socially anxious and to deal with my ocd thing. i (me and my mom) chose a famous, well-known, EXPENSIVE doctor because we thought that she'd do her thing right. well since january i tried at least 3 or 4 kind of antidepressants and neither of them helped me a bit. plus thing that since january i'm taking some antipsychotic thing what made literally no difference in anything but my doctor said that it's so good i must take it. plus i'm on lorazepam which is the only one good thing. i need a lot of that when i'm stressed. so... i pay a lot of money, 5 months passed and nothing changed except some liver damage and etc. i heard that finding the right pill is not always easy but i just thought because this doctor is so famous and so expensive maybe she'll find me a pill easily. but no... what do you think? should i start searching for another doctor or stay with her? i want to change because it's a lot of money already and nothing happened yet...

I have very detailed dreams that mostly involve real life situations, but usually in the unhappiness category. A lot of the time my dreams are about my boyfriend cheating, my dad leaving, failing at work and or school, or just fighting with one of my friends. I can’t help but hold actual anger for them when I wake up though, I tell myself it was a dream but it feels so real that I just ignore that part of my brain. I end up being rude/ cruel and I can’t help it, I’m just so angry. I mostly get like this after a boyfriend dream or friend dream, I can’t forgive them for what they did in a dream. I see flashes of it all day and I just feel sick thinking about it. I used to talk about the really bad ones with my boyfriend but he said they just make him feel bad and he doesn’t enjoy hearing about what my subconscious thinks of him, it makes him sad. He thinks I don’t trust him and sometimes I don’t know if I do either. It’s been 4 years going on 5 and I still feel like he can’t do normal activities like check his phone or go out with friends at night.

I do not take photos of myself when I am at my lowest to gain sympathy from others but to show myself how something could destroy me. Then fight through hell to make sure it never happens again, never that low and never for those reasons. I cry as a reminder that I am human and my emotions matter. I have a bad habit of gaslighting myself and saying things are not as bad as I thought they were, looking back at old photos and see myself broken. Yes they were, run from what causes it.

I'm not very good at emotions sometimes (autistic) and every now and then they'll seem to expect something, I won't realize what, and they'll get upset I didn't meet the expectations or they misspoke and it leads to them going into self loathing or being upset (usually appears to be following a series of not great feelings or events). I'm unsure what to do when they're upset like this, or how to handle it, or responses I should do Please do NOT say "Make sure to take care of yourself, its going to be a difficult relationship" because that is the single only advice I found on anything I looked up. And do not tell me to leave them. I need steps or processes I can follow to help them out or care for them when I can't figure out what to do, I can't find anything online

I used to be a toxic person: insecure, selfish, envious of others. This ex-friend, she used to be a source of support, but eventually our friendship got very toxic since she was having problems and I am badly depressed. My depression just kept rubbing on her. She finds fault at everything I do. She resorted to manipulative/gaslighting (unintentional or not) and started blaming me whenever she's unhappy. She kept questioning my decisions back then, and the fights are explosive, with hints of gaslighting and manipulation in it. It was a weird codependence thing, she wanted to fix me, and I wanted a friend. But it was too toxic to keep going. Eventually, I found the courage to leave her behind, because I can't see a future that I can grow with her. It was a past that I'm proud of. After 5 years of trying to get better, I was able to afford psychiatric treatment and got diagnosed with depression. My depression became manageable after a few months on meds, it stopped the train of bad thoughts in my head and helped me focus on what's important. The peace gave me a better perspective of other people's experiences and the world. And I was able to find healthy relationships and great sources of support. One of my old friends reconnected with me as well. She was a part of the friend group where me and my ex-friend were before. I felt very ashamed of my toxic past, but I took the chance of holding accountability of my actions and apologized. I asked how others are doing, even my ex-friend, but she said ex-friend is still not comfortable with what I've done. I've accepted the fact that I will not be able to apologize at all, and that it is something that I have to bear with for the remaider my life. Everything was fine until ex-friend learned about my old friends reconnecting with me. She started writing them letters and started spewing out vitriolic things like "once toxic always toxic" and "she is a festering pus". I understand the anger but I don't think this is something I deserve. Am I selfish to think that I should have a chance to change as a person? I feel bad and ashamed of my past. I know she's far away now but I believe she's still out to ruin my effort. I'm trying my best not to spiral down to depression..

i’ve been dealing with depression & anxiety since i was in middle school due to childhood trauma from my parent’s bullshit marriage. i was basically neglected by my father & grew up in poverty watching my mom struggle. i’ve been under a lot of mental stress since elementary. it’s no surprise to me that i’m fucked in the head. i feel so stupid cause i have the habit of jumping from relationship to relationship so i don’t feel alone. i don’t love myself so i need somebody else to love me. i put up with abuse in past relationships cause i felt like i needed somebody. i left my cesspool hometown & moved to better bigger state when i was 16. i was a lot happier in new state, i was in college, living in a big exciting city, going out & i had friends. i moved back to my hometown at 22 due to covid & needing to get away from an abusive ex. this ex followed me from big state to my hometown in hopes of getting me back but i said no. i didn’t stay single for long & ended up in an even worse relationship with a narcissist in my hometown. i went through mental & physical abuse from him that ruined my already struggling mental health. he got mad at me when i had a miscarriage cause the ER doctor was a man who was around my vagina. my abuser didn’t let me go out alone or make any friends. i called the cops on him, he got arrested & plead guilty to DA. i ended up going to the psych ward a few weeks later due to the trauma. he’s gone but i’m still dealing with the horrors of trauma everyday. it’s hard for me to keep a full time job cause i struggle to wake up everyday, i have no energy & my mind is such a mess that it’s difficult to concentrate at work. people at my job can just tell there something wrong with me. i also miss work due to mental health related doctor appointments so HR has threatened to fire me. my last boyfriend is a cool funny guy, he didn’t deserve to have me drag him down. my mental illness is severe & it was effecting him negatively. so we mutually broke up yesterday. i wish i was ok so i could love him the way he deserves to be loved. but i can’t be selfish & harm him to make myself feel better. i feel so bad cause i wanted something i can’t have right now. i feel sad but relief at the same time. i’m not in a position to be in a relationship with anybody. i need to focus on myself & fix my life. i have no support from my family at all. no friends in my hometown. im alone & idk how i’ve lasted this long

I constantly think about suicide. I sit in my room and watch TV holding my glock 30 or 1911 pressed to my temple. A bottle of Jameson and a miller light to chase it. I just lay there like this. I dont know what holds me back honestly. I'm not sure if it's cowardness ( I know suicide is the cowards way out but fuck you, you can still feel like a coward for wanting to die and not following through) or if it's because I still have hope for a better future. I've recently aware become of my codependency. I always feel like this when someone leaves me. Whenever I find someone I think is going to be the one it distracts me from these feelings. As soon as they leave its a tsunami of suicidal thoughts. I believe this comes from childhood trauma. The funny thing is I can't remember a memory before maybe 13 years old. Also a sign of trauma.... I knew this particular situation wasn't going to work out. I'm 24 and recently was in a "relationship" if you could call it that with a 33 year old woman with a baby dad and a kid who has a new summer fling every year from what i heard from my closest friends who are married, Mike and Angelina both close to ther 40s (Weird friendship I know, but they are my closest friends). They recently had their 16 year old kid pass away, so I can never bring my problems up to them. That isn't fair for them. But back to the story, I knew it wouldn't work out from the start from what I was told. Of course my dumbass didn't listen. So that isn't a thing anymore after 6 months. She's just fine I'm in fucking shambles (lol). But anyways, there's alittle backstory to my most recent set off. I don't know how find happiness independently. My life has been a constant of these feelings, although it is not the only reason. I have identified that these are a very prominent cause in my life for depression. I hate myself although so many people love me. I've honestly been typing this for so long and I'm so drunk I've lost my train of thought. FUCK. Any advice would be appreciated.....

So I started a new job two weeks ago and it's been going terribly. My supervisors have told me I've been doing okay but I just feel so stressed over all the work I have to do everyday. This is my first full time job, but I've had office jobs with similar tasks in the past and I didn't feel like this (though they were part time) My job prior was also very bad. I feel driven now to suicide stronger than I have before and I feel really scared and overwhelmed. Like it feels like I might do it. I've been talking to my therapist more and just doing the best I can at my new job even if it's not that great (I know I'm lucky to have a job right now too so I feel even more guilty about hating it so much. Does anyone have advice for how to cope with a difficult new job? Or similar stories? I feel so trapped and alone

Hello everyone! I’m starting a new job and haven’t worked in awhile. I start in a week and my anxiety is already killing me. I’m trying to wake up early, need to be there by 8am but I get so nauseas in the morning and haven’t been able to eat a full meal in the last 3 days and now I’m feeling fatigued and even more nauseas, everything I try to eat feels like it wants to come back up and I’m still anxious throughout the day. Does anyone else’s anxiety mess up their appetite on big changes? Vacations/job/school/moving

She’s turned incredibly toxic and I’d just like to stop thinking about it and be able to hate her like a normal person.

I can barely open my eye. It started yesterday now its worse. There was a white spot on the edge of my eye yesterday now its gone. Now its just swollen red and painful

I just started a new medication (Vraylar) for mood swings and asked my doctor to use a particular pharmacy. The reason why is because I’ve been going to them for years for regular prescriptions and everyone from the pharmacist to the technicians know me well and always ask how I’m doing. Even after I moved 30 minutes away, I still continue to pick up prescriptions from them. Not an hour after I dropped it off, a technician on duty called me and alerted me that even with insurance, I’d be paying $900. She told me about a payment plan option the medication company offered to help with the high price. I did as she recommended and an hour later, I was walking out with my prescription in hand, having a $0 copay. So this is my little “do good deed of the day”: always use a pharmacy/pharmacist you trust completely. They’d know ways to help you especially if you’re prescribed a medication that is out of your price range or doesn’t have a generic version.

I struggled all throughout school and was behind other kids the same age in my early childhood years when it came to reading and writing, I thought it was ADHD until I officially got diagnosed with Bipolar at 17 years old. I still struggle with simple instructions at 20 years old and it takes me longer than the normal person to fully grasp something.

I should be grateful for what I have… from the outside I have a loving family, pretty good friends, I go to school, about to be set up for a pretty sweet job but even with all those things, I’m not happy. I haven’t been happy in a while, and when I do it doesn’t last very long. I feel like a spoiled ungrateful brat for saying this because of everything I have in life but nothing makes me happy anymore. Even with all my friends and family I feel more alone then I’ve ever been. Of course I don’t tell anyone this because I don’t want them to look at me in that way. I’d hate for people to be supportive of me just out of pity. I’ve never been in love and I don’t feel that’s the main issue but it’s part of my loneliness. For a while I thought I was just “sad” and I don’t have real depression, I still don’t know if I qualify for being “depressed” but I definitely feel like something is wrong with me. I feel like I should be doing something with my life other than what I am doing. Yet, it’s comforting in a weird way to continue being a piece of garbage all day. I thought working out would help, and it seemed to help in the beginning but eventually that became dull and didn’t do much for me past that. I still workout because I feel people would start to ask questions if I stopped. I just feel stuck. When will this end? I thought I was just temporarily sad, but that was years ago and I feel worse than when I initially thought I had depression. I wish I was never born so I don’t have to deal with any of this. It feels so pointless. I work my ass off, I feel like shit. I do nothing all day, I feel like shit. I do things that are supposed to bring me joy, I feel like shit. Why do anything at all? Every night I make the same wish to God if he truly exists to relieve me of my existence and I don’t wake up. But to my disappointment, I do every morning just to repeat the same tasks that I gain nothing from. Please, please just let me rest forever…

I understand individuals with BPD go through stages of idealization. Is it common for idealization to involve expectations? Like idealized expectations... and when those are not met individuals with BPD get hurt, blame, and devalue the other person? My ex seemed to have unrealistic expectations when we faced issues, she expected no issues and to constantly be in a happy place. She further blamed me for her unhappiness and made it seem like she expected ONLY happiness to be happening in a relationship.

I feel like I’m becoming paranoid about everything and everything is making me upset to the point where I really can’t function. I have a really good job, and I feel like day by day I do less and less of it because of how upset and distracted I am. Physically I have a constant knot in my head, and a sunken feeling in my chest. Not really sure what to do, as normally these feelings pass, but this time it keeps getting worse and worse. Not sure what to do to get back to a better place besides therapy or medication, and I’m hesitant to take any type of drug.

I have suffered from depression, anxiety, eating disorders, substance abuse and ADD for about 10-15 years. I have been in my current relationship for almost 3 years. I have been going through these depressive episodes each month and they get worse and worse. I have a therapist, a good job, go to the gym but none of that helps. I feel like my boyfriend doesn’t make me feel important or loved. We always argue about me constantly planning activities we can look forward to after the work week but I told him I was done doing it and that he needs to put more effort in. I asked him if he could make reservations for dinner on Friday night and he said he would.. we’ll Friday comes around and I didn’t mention it just to test him. Of course he never mentioned it and I told him the next day that I was upset about it. I’m tired of feeling like his second choice to his PlayStation when I’m at my lowest points..is it my depression or is this relationship just making me unhappy?? Anything helps..thanks for reading

I've been doing well, but recently I've been going more and more down the spiral. I just feel like a constant failure. Everything will start looking up for me, and then it all falls apart. I'll be happy one day, and then the next is 10x worse than the last shitty day. I've been impulsive. Spending money left and right, and I refuse to stay home because it depresses me. Then I look at everything happening around me, and I know I can't keep up with it. I'm really thinking that when I go home tonight, and writing a suicide note. Not doing the act, but for some reason it always felt releasing to write them. But Jesus, I'm really thinking I do want to do it. I'm just so fucking sad and lonely and stressed. Idk where to go from here. Nothing ever truly improves.

I remember my friend occasionally saying rude things to me under her breath. Like I’d have us take a wrong turn and she’d muttered something about me, even though she expected me to always navigate. I’d just ignore it and continue walking, I thought it be best to show no reaction to it.... But now I wonder if it happened at all. It’s been too long for me to remember the interactions word for word, but I know there was a part of me that wondered if I just imagined it. Auditory hallucinations. So while I didn’t react as to not antagonize... it was also cause I was nervous it’d prove I’m just a little bit crazy. DAE relate?

He suffered from hyperthyroidism caused by grave’s disease which is an autoimmune disorder but it was fixed when he got his thyroid destroyed by radioactive iodine. I am 20 years old. Around 2019 is when I first noticed the signs of hashimoto’s thyroiditis. I noticed I became physically weaker over time and the fatigue became worse as time went on. I developed more symptoms at March 2020, I started losing tons of hair, feeling nausea on a daily basis and i feel dizzy all the time. And my cognition has significantly decreased as well. Up to this day, I am still suffering because of this chronic disease. I wish I was never born in the first place. My dreams of becoming a professional bodybuilder in United States is now rendered impossible. Life is not worth living anymore if I can’t act on my passion. I really hate my dad for giving me this horrible disease. It makes life more unfair than it is. I might commit suicide after graduation. I’m in 3rd year college.

There are some people who wants to tell how they feel and how horrible their life become. Some could not find words to put in, some fear they're gonna get trolled. They need help, gets ignored.

It doesn’t really help, but it’s all I have until I make it to my appointment to get meds. I’m in pain mentally &im in pain physically bc my mental makes me sick. I hate everybody and everything and I wish I was dead. I have class. I need to do my school work and I can’t. I need to work. I need to make money. And I can’t. And the worst part is I’ll have to wait 2 weeks to one month for the meds to work. I hate it here.

Its been 3 years since we broke up and 6 months since silence. I do not want her back nor do I have any urge to contact her. Ive started nocontact today after i broke down seeing her success all of this year. My story of depression: I saw pics of both of them so close to each other. I broke up with her, we knew our futures werent meant to be together. She hung with him and his friends and she finally had a friend group I cried, i cut and bled, i stopped, I didnt want her anymore, but i missed her everyday. She started crying, telling me how much she loved me, i kept taking her back as I couldnt see her sad. I exploded at her after i saw a pic of him with hands around her the day after i broke up with her for the 6th or so time. (Depression and no hope for a future made me breakup several times, asked for space but she kept coming back) She said she wasnt with me, could do what she wants, silenced and left. Shes with him now and looks very happy. Im very lonely and sad. She was always working, finding new opportunites and found friends to hang with. I fell off, distanced myself from everyone, dont have friends to hang out with or talk to and retreated into my little home. Currently, I have a long distance relationship with another girl who understands me and is very loving. We both are lonely souls holding each other up and lost in lifes misery. Constant comparison to my ex's success socially, career wise, and beauty wise brings me down alot. Have planned to turn my life around this year.

hi i'm in my last year of high school, i'm 16 and i've ran out meds... a couple days ago. i told my mum but she forgot like she always does so i told her again and the next time i can get meds is on wednesday. it's monday, problem is i have really bad brain shakes. will she understand? i'm on paxil btw

I’ve been in the hospital from serotonin syndrome, meds switched 3 times now on Gabapentin and taking Ativan as needed for my anxiety. I feel like my brain is going to be screwed forever from switching meds so much and I’m so scared nothing will work again. Someone with similar stories with medicine please share tips because I feel so hopeless and drained. I don’t want to die but god I can’t keep going on like this. I have a psychiatrist appointment on Tuesday. Am I going to be okay or am I done for forever?

Hey all, With a new job I recently started, I may have to travel by plane for on the upcoming months. The problem is, I am extremely afraid of flying. I currently take Zoloft for general anxiety disorder. Would my doctor prescribe something such as Ativan in a short script? Thanks in advance, and happy holidays!

There's something wrong with me. I know how irrational it is but my overriding drive in life is making everyone like me and be pleased with my actions. Way in front of what I want. Even people I don't like who I know are horrible people, I'll be really upset and hate myself if I do something that I find embarrassing or do something to upset them and make them put me down. I need to be just like them. I don't know how to stop this happening even though I know how crazy it is The weird thing is that I actually like who I am most of the time, but I hide myself in front of other people and try to show myself as somebody each person would get on with, because they're all clearly better humans than me and my existence isn't valid in general society. If you disagree answer me this question, why am I valid?

hey:) ive be self conscious 24/7 for a long period of time, and it’s been making my life very complex, when i’m talking to people, for example, or when someone is taking a pic of me. ive seen a lot of tiktoks where people mentioned suddenly becoming conscious and described it as a very unpleasant experience (a gloomy music was playing). im wondering whether it’s the same thing i’m expecting quite often. plz share your experience, opinion or how you cope with it or overcame it U・x・U

Hello, So i've been having an ongoing battle with psychiatrists taking me serious at all. My first one completely dismissed even the discussion of bpd because i wasn't "extreme at all" and could hold a conversation well. This one im currently working with said that "People with bpd don't want to get better, and usually aren't in therapy" just because i empathized the need for an official diagnosis so that i could know what steps to take since i am self-aware of my symptoms and i apply to almost EACH one that he listed. He called me self-critical and hinted that i lied in his questionnaires, when i was just being honest because i apparently come off as too "calm" to him and only explosive in certain situations. (Funny because i had a whole breakdown after this). He even proceeded to compare a personality disorder to Donald Trump and told me that maybe if i was 30 and had many failed relationships he'd take me serious. Am i just being sensitive or does this sound off to any of you?

I hate how "psychotic", "delusional", "crazy", etc are almost exclusively used to describe bad people. It makes me feel so ashamed to talk about my illness to people even when I'm really close to them because I'm afraid they'll see me differently and think I'm gonna do something bad to them. My mum recently had a big fight with her housemate and she keeps using the word 'psychotic' to describe how he was acting when he was angry, and it really pisses me off because I've told her before how I feel about that word and she does it anyway. Why do people do this? There's other words to use to describe things you don't like. You don't have to belittle mentally ill people to get your point across.

im having so much anxiety i dont know what to do

I'm starting to believe my state gave me my mental illness because I'm considered "terrorist" or "slave" They hire FBI or local people to lace my foods so I become mentally ill. For what reason? Before Ive gotten mentally ill i was outgoing to places to have fun but the thing is I never had a car. Day and night.

I don't know what I'm going to do. My last appointment with him is Monday. I've know for 3 months that he's leaving and spent hours looking for someone else but there are only 3 people in a 20 mile radius who are taking new patients and take my insurance. All 3 of them have piss-poor ratings across every website they're listed on, two of them are assholes who are impossible to schedule with and routinely have wait times of over an hour and the other one is an asshole, impossible to schedule with, and has several complaints about involuntarily committing people. I can't look any farther out because I have a full time job and can't fuck off for 4 hours every time I need my meds refilled. Same reason I can't sit in a waiting room for an hour past my appointment time, I have to be able to make my appointments within my lunch hour. I also can't see anyone who might send me to a hospital, been there, done that, still have the nightmares. I'd rather die than go through that again, I will NOT have my freedom to so much as piss without being watched taken away again, and I will not EVER be forced to strip naked in front of an asshole "nurse" who openly sneers at my scars again. I'd rather die, and I'd rather have no psychiatrist than one who will try to send me back there. I'm barely holding it together with my meds. Stopping them all cold-turkey won't be pretty, I honestly don't think I'll survive it. My PCP refuses to prescribe psych meds and starting Monday I have no psychiatrist. Plus, I wouldn't be terribly surprised if my therapist drops me too for being un-medicated. I'm fucking doomed. My expiration date is sometime shortly after 10/25/17, when I run out of pills. Honestly I'm wondering why I don't just get it over with and spare myself the grief.

For at least the past few years I’ve been experiencing this. I’ll see a new trailer for a video game series that I love and i’ll be really excited, but then it comes out, and I either don’t buy it at all, or play it for an hour and quit. This applies to pretty much anything. New movies, meetups with friends that I haven’t seen in a long time, birthdays, holidays, the list goes on. I always look forward to these things, only to have no interest whatsoever when it comes time to actually DO the things I was interested in doing. Lately this has been really hard on me, as I feel like i’m not enjoying anything i’m doing, no matter what it is. The fact that I remember being excited about stuff just makes it worse, because it highlights how joyless everything has been for me lately. So yeah idk, really been struggling with this lately. Anyone else experience stuff like this?

pretty much the title. i’ve been seeing both therapist/psychiatrist for over a year now and they know my relationship w my partner but i really talk about it vaguely. i know us people w bpd have a reputation to be toxic/manipulative and i always feel guilty bc i don’t feel like i’m manipulative (but maybe i am and i’m just victimizing myself) i feel guilty regardless. so i guess i want an input on whether or not i should mention how i rely on my partner and how my interactions with him determine my mood and my self worth help

I was honestly having a good day and the minute I got home it all seemed so stupid and pointless. I just hate my life so much. I hate waking up everyday to do the same thing everyday but also not the same thing everyday. I hate having all this junk surrounded by me in my home and just dealing with life. It’s so hard to even think of getting up and doing. I just want to never get up and have to do things and see people. I wish it was just empty if that makes sense

I just saw a video by AJ something on youtube and I usually agree with a lot of what she says but in this video I watched she said a person with BPD "Has not, does not, and will not ever love you" Unless they have had 8-16 years of treatment and are "recovered"? Is this true? It seems to me that love is such an abstract concept with different definitions for everyone BPD or not, that this is an oversimplification. I got really upset by this and had a panic attack because I did think I love people but now Im questioning everything.. whats your guys opinion? Please be honest.

I've had social anxiety since I was a kid. I had it pretty bad from middle school to about high school, then it got better and less noticeable throughout high school and college. I'd still get extremely nervous for public speaking and presentations, moreso than the average person, but it was manageable. Now I'm in another period of crippling anxiety that makes it extremely difficult to engage in almost any social situation, mainly parties and social gatherings, whether it be with strangers or with friends of 10 years or family. I've noticed however that whenever I am in these situations, the main feeling I have is an urge to gag or throw up, and this also applies to when I was young. I feel like I'm not nervous at all about the social situation itself, and I do usually behave normally and have long conversations and fun times with friends, but I sometimes get overwhelmed feeling like I need to throw up, especially if I talk too much, drink a strong alcoholic drink, or do any physical activity. An otherwise great time is ruined by my having to run to the bathroom in case I actually throw up. I can't tell if I really deal with social anxiety, or if my anxiety is caused by potential embarrassment of throwing up randomly. I hate that I have to go through this and I want it to be gone as soon as possible as it is affecting my life. Also sorry for the long post and I appreciate any comments!

I knew this was a bad idea but I did that anyway. I even was stupid enough to pay for tinder+. I guess this couple backs are not that high of a cost to confirm im a piece of shit.

About a month ago, I got out of the hospital after a suicide attempt following some problems with my relationship with my brother. Since then, I’ve been seeing my individual therapist, psych, and doing an IOP program. Just yesterday I applied to join a DBT group. I am in a much better place mentally than I was a month ago. When I told my therapist I was planning on taking a weekend road trip to see my brother this weekend, she said under no circumstances should I go see him, considering what just happened a month ago. My husband is going with me, and I’ll be going back to my IOP group immediately the next day, so I do not see any risk in this, as I won’t be alone on the trip or afterwards. But she is adamant, and I’m scared she’s going to drop me as a client if I go... I know what I’m going to do.. but what would you do?

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Im feeling overwhelmed

I saw domestic violence between my mum and dad almost throughout my primary school. In primary school, my friend circle was very toxic. I was made to feel like a loser because I wasn't cool like the other kids. I always aspired to be like them. They would talk to me, but they weren't close friends with me and I was made to feel like my words didn’t matter. I didn't matter. Whenever I tried speaking or making a point with them, someone would cut me off and start speaking. I was too scared to cut them off again and make my point. \[perhaps bc I was scared of confrontation or someone screaming at me bc of what was happening at home?\] I learned to always agree with everyone \[bc of the fear of confrontation or being in the spotlight to defend my POV\]. I began getting scared of having conversations where people might disagree with me. This kept happening until grade 8, when I started doing great academically after my friend circle changed. For the first time, I started feeling like what I said mattered. They'd (new friends) ask me what I think. Or ask me for my opinion. Listen to me when I'd speak. etc Over time \[by high school\] I got comfier to disagree with people's POVs. However, even then when I’d disagree with someone, and they’d reply, instead of focusing on what they’re saying and replying, my mind would block whatever they're saying and I’d just nod, saying "yes I agree with what you’re saying". Even though I wouldn't process all that; because, I didn't want the point I made to be disagreed if I disagree with their point (if that makes sense). Now I’m 21. When I speak people listen. However, I still feel like there’s some past trauma attached to me that I’m carrying. Whenever I try having a conversation and making a contradictory point to someone, I feel like I’m in the spotlight. My heart starts beating fast and my palms get sweaty. I try to say whatever I have to say really quickly or someone will cut me off without listening to me fully; bc of that I’m not able to finish off what I want to say. How do I stop being anxious when I’m speaking bc of the fear of people not listening and cutting my argument? What are y'alls thoughts on this? P.S I just saw a speech pathologist and asked her if I could have developmental disfluency or cluttering, and she said it's not that. I self-diagnosed myself with that bc I began noticing myself using filler words ('um', 'and' etc) too much when I started off a YouTube channel and having trouble getting my point across if I didn't have a script/bullet points. She said it could be related to you not being used to the camera since you just started off, but it's definitely not disfluency or cluttering. I then told her about the childhood trauma. She said, yes, it's just anxiety that's caused by your childhood trauma, and if you can come to terms with that then this problem will be solved as well. P.SS I just had all this realization while sitting in a park, 14-15 years after the traumatic years. The mind works in mysterious ways.

Is that I've realized that so much of my hyperactivity is driven by the negative, bullying voice in my head. Everyday I was driven to complete as many tasks as humanly possible, and if I didn't I felt like a failure. Even if I did I would still risk feeling like a failure. But I've come to understand that as a symptom, feeling like who you were was only dependent on what you got completed today. Fuck that drove almost to insanity that voice. Right now it's trying to tell me the same thing. Why aren't you working on your presentation this very second?! Because I'm eating lunch and I want to relax for a little while, fuck off. :)

So the thing is I think I suffer from anxiety, all my friends tell me I'm always stressed out and I feel this way and I don't know why I feel this way. I'm at a good moment in my life (24 M)!!!! I just finished university and decided I wanted to take 6 months to travel and enjoy life but guess what I'm feeling anxious that when I come back from my travel: 1) I won't get a job. 2) I will screw up in the job I get and get fired, ending with no money 3) that I will spend most of my days working up till late (1 or 2 A.M as my profession has that kind of fame (lawyer)) 4) That I will lose everything I have 5) That someone sues me for a mistake I make 6) That I will suffer in life, by ashamed of myself and not achieve a dream of mine or anything, to say the least. 7) To not be able to enjoy life How do I stop this kind of anxiety!!!!!! It kills me to be constantly thinking this stuff and I want to feel relaxed and happy more often in life any suggestions??

I’ve recently hurt someone I love very much, I repeated something I thought wouldn’t happen again (an impulsive decision to sleep multiple times with a mutual friend that has hurt my loved one in the past). I set myself up for failure (allowing for an impulsive episode to occur) and I wasn’t truthful from the start, I delayed speaking the truth, and my loved one had to really pull it out of me. I’m so tired of acting on my impulses with complete disregard of people’s feelings and hope to find people who know what I am talking and perhaps have overcome impulses.

As an exemple: I was in a Shopping Center with my father and suddenly my brain started techno music It sounds so good and it was like a big music box is directly besides my ear I could also build my own beats for some reason😂

so, i recently was trying to distance myself from a friendship i was way too obsessed/invested in and after 3 days i accidentally texted him that i missed him. i didn't even realize i texted him until he replied to me and it's so freaking humiliating. i ended up telling him everything, that i was obsessed, etc and asked him to block me, and he did. he said he's checking in on me in a month but i honestly wish he wouldn't have even said that. :( i just can't get rid of the shame i feel for feeling this way over a month long friendship and that he now knows about it. i had isolated myself for a really long time before we started talking so it just was so intense for me. he's the first person i've let in since highschool.. i didn't realize how obsessive/emotional i could get in friendships like at all. i'm trying to be gentle w/ myself but it's so hard, i feel so dumb.

I just want a normal life, nothing idealized or romanticized. With the same problems that everyone may have. Don't be depressed all day. Not waking up with anxiety and tachycardia, and being afraid of calls coming in from someone at work. Have an illusion for something, an objective. Having someone to talk to, whether it's a family member, a friend, or even a girlfriend. I don't have anyone, I can't even go to the movies because I don't go alone. I just want to get out of the way and I don't do it because I don't screw up my family. I have a 2 and a half year old niece who is a sweetheart. I don't want one day to ask why I'm gone, and they don't know what to say, about how I took my life. ​ I am afraid to be surrounded by people. Anxiety has eaten me up. I don't know what I can do with all this. I feel so bad that tears don't come out. I just choke and find it hard to breathe.

It really is. All these years and I'm already dried up on the inside. I was doing so great back then but suddenly everything went downhill without a brake. I have friends and family but can't really share what is wrong. In the first place, I don't even know how to start like why, how, what...what happened to me? In my country, ppl think mental issues are just myth, and me in my almost 30 without any achievements is considered a burden. My friends usually come to me for advices about their mental issues as well but I realized recently, all these time of helping others, my self-loathing is built even more. I can help others but not myself, and I hate myself even more with just that. And I think I don't have the rights to tell them what to do with their mental health while I'm a completely mess right now. It's so hard...

I thought us moving would help. His drinking got worse, my feelings have been invalided since moving here. he constantly (everyday) has people over. I'm barley eating, staying hydrated or even practicing basic hygiene because of the anxiety attacks I have. I've been basically locked in our bedroom since we moved here. My fiance and his friends basically control the house. I cant do this anymore

Hi guys, I’ve lurked here forever. Sorry if formatting is weird I’m on mobile. I’m really struggling, as usual. I’m in this fucked up relationship with constant fighting, drama, bullshit whatever (I’m 22F he’s 23M). Within the past 2 months we’ve had 3 dramatic near-breakups, one of them being tonight. I know I probably need to end this but I must be too fucking weak and I just can’t do it. And I don’t even know if I need to/ should/ want to. I feel like I’m completely incapable of deciphering whether my partner is actually treating me badly, if I’m actually treating him badly, or if these bad times are coming out of my mood swings that are making me hate him. We’ve been together for 9 months and seeing each other for over a year, and had plenty of ups and downs but a connection that’s held us through everything. He doesn’t communicate with me as much as I’d want him to, he speaks to me in ways I think are rude, blah blah blah the list goes on, but it’s all the same shit I’ve had “problems” with in all my other relationships. And a lot of times in the past I just made up problems to mask my own personal issues. I honestly think I just like being the victim and when I have a switch where I start temporarily hating the person I love, I just want to blame everything on them so I can feel like I’m being mistreated rather than face that MY behavior is the problem. The problem is that my partner is also not the most mentally stable person... and (I think) he actually genuinely does things that aren’t okay. I just have so much fucking trouble figuring out when someone is actually treating me badly, or if I’m making it up in my head so I can feel sorry for myself. I literally have NO idea which is the case EVER. I don’t know why I can’t tell. (...probably the bpd...) I’m not exactly looking for advice on what to do, just want to feel less alone in this circumstance because my friends don’t understand at all. Most people are just like, oh you’re aren’t happy and he’s making you sad? Dump him! Or they’re like, oh but you love him and think this is a temporary thing? Stay with him and work it out! Which is all very valid, but nothing ever seems that clear cut to me. It also just seems exhausting to do anything at all because I’m cursed to having all my relationships be an absolute shit show. How do you know when a relationship is actually toxic and you’re not just BPDing all over it!!!! I do not know the answer. I’m under so much stress at work and so much stress in my relationship and there is no relief. I’m coping better than usual but there’s still plenty of panic attacks I can’t fend off. Sorry for the long rant. Also - even if I was able to come to a conclusion that this relationship is toxic and doomed, and that I can’t mend things if I get my mental health in check, I have no idea how to break up with someone. I have only ever been broken up with. And I will ALWAYS have so much love for this person and NEVER know if it was just me and my bpd and I threw away this relationship for nothing. Any comments are welcome, general support, people who relate, experience, advice whatever. I just want to feel less alone and confused. TLDR: Can’t tell the difference between my BPD self creating drama in my relationship and a situation that’s toxic for me. Thanks for reading, anyone who did <3

One of my father’s ongoing experiences is that standing in the shower causes a sensation that he describes as painful electricity or razor blades washing over him. I am curious if anyone else has had this sensation, or a similarly tangible pain during something else routine. If there’s any advice in the community about how he might improve his experience in the shower, or about alternate ways to bathe, that would be lovely. He’s been dealing with this for a few years and has no strategy other than to bite down and go through it every few weeks or months. Thanks.

I'm sure I'm not the only one here who struggles with this, but I'll ask anyway: Do you ever try to destabilize your life either purposely or subconsciously? I feel like I get a kick out of making other people worried about me or when I start to show symptoms again. I sometimes enter these phases where I'll be trying as hard as I can to degrade my mental health in some hope that I trigger a manic/psychotic or even depressive episode (I'm also diagnosed with bipolar). I'll love how awful I feel. This kind of behavior has been seriously setting me back in life, and part of me wants to break this cycle, but another part of me wants to be a barely functioning mess. I'm aware of DBT and how it can help with this, but I was told by a neurologist after some psych testing that I wouldn't benefit from any kind of psychotherapy because I never seem to show a willingness to get better.

I am a 26 year old female who has a serve panic attack and anxiety disorder, my panic attacks are really really bad to the point I disassociate. I have been medicated for years now and I typically can handle my panic attacks ( I should say typical lightly lol) but I did not sleep last night which was weird because I took NyQuil because of my allergies ( I can’t take Benadryl or any other meds like that because it makes my anxiety worse) but for some reason it did the complete opposite and I got ZERO sleep! I have had this happen before but I didn’t take any night time medication that night. I have spoken to my mom and she said I’ll be okay. But as people like us with anxiety “you’ll be okay” doesn’t really help. I have to go to work soon and I’m freaking out because I’m scared I am just going to pass out!! Does anyone have any suggestions or advice for me!?

It didn't help. Never forget the bullies who called me ugly, retarded, and slutty. I still want to kill myself. I still wake up mad everyday. Hard to believe God with all the things I have been through.

My SO and I haven't spoken in allllmost a month and a half. Maybe more. Still, I'm trying to be faithful to him. Not hanging out with even guy friends. Just being alone, and working on and feeling me. Anyone else?

Does anyone else experience stomachaches when they're really anxious? For me it's almost every morning plus a few times throughout the day. I don't know how to deal with it, I miss school often and its just hard to deal with everything overall I don't know if this has anything to do with my meds as I recently have been able to take them more regularly, and I found that the stomachaches are more frequent and painful, but i don't know how else to deal with it. Painkillers don't work for it so I just have to wait it out. Advice appreciated <3