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Depression

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Regular check-in post, with information about our rules and wikis

Welcome to /r/depression's check-in post - a place to take a moment and share what is going on and how you are doing. If you have an accomplishment you want to talk about (these shouldn't be standalone posts in the sub as they violate the "role model" rule, but are welcome here), or are having a tough time but prefer not to make your own post, this is a place you can share. ----- Our subreddit rules are located in the sidebar (you can also always access them at https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/about/rules) - since all of them exist for important safety reasons, we ask everyone here to read and follow them. Please click 'report' on any harmful content you see here - we always want to know and deal as soon as we can. We also have several wikis there for help with finding and giving support: https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/wiki/what_is_depression provides guidance about what is and isn't a depressive disorder, guidance on the complex nature of the illnesses that are usually grouped under the "depression" label, and redirect information for common off-topic issues. https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/wiki/giving_help offers information on the nature and value of peer support for mental-health issues in general, and lots of guidance for learning what is -- and isn't -- usually helpful in giving peer support. YSK that the types of rule violations that we most frequently see interfering with people getting safe and relevant support here are: - People breaking the private contact rule. You should never trust anyone who tries to get you into a private conversation in response to a post here. See https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/wiki/private_contact - "I'm here to help" posts. This shows that you don't understand the most basic principles of peer support, especially selectivity. The "giving help" wiki explains more about this. - Role modelling, i.e. "achievement" or "advice" posts. This is an expert-free zone -- that's what peer support means (rule 5). We know that "internet culture" celebrate not just bragging about your achievements but bragging about your good intentions. Nothing like that is ever acceptable here. - Content that's more about 'making a statement' or casually polling the sub than seeking personal support (or, in a comment, giving it) (rules 1, 2 and 10). - Off-topic posts about difficult situations or circumstances, including interpersonal losses. Grief, sadness, anger, and other difficult emotions are not mental illnesses. The "what is depression" wiki has suggestions for other places to post about these issues, which are 100% valid and serious but inappropriate here.

Our most-broken and least-understood rules is "helpers may not invite private contact as a first resort", so we've made a new wiki to explain it

We understand that most people who reply immediately to an OP with an invitation to talk privately mean only to help, but this type of response usually leads to either disappointment or disaster. it usually works out quite differently here than when you say "PM me anytime" in a casual social context. We have huge admiration and appreciation for the goodwill and good citizenship of so many of you who support others here and flag inappropriate content - even more so because we know that so many of you are struggling yourselves. We're hard at work behind the scenes on more information and resources to make it easier to give and get quality help here - this is just a small start. Our new wiki page explains in detail why it's much better to respond in public comments, at least until you've gotten to know someone. It will be maintained at /r/depression/wiki/private_contact, and the full text of the current version is below. ***** ###Summary### **Anyone who, while acting as a helper, invites or accepts private contact (I.e. PMs, chat, or any kind of offsite communication) early in the conversion is showing either bad intentions or bad judgement. Either way, it's unwise to trust them.** "PM me anytime" seems like a kind and generous offer. And it might be perfectly well-meaning, but, unless and until a solid rapport has been established, it's just not a wise idea. Here are some points to consider before you offer or accept an invitation to communicate privately. * **By posting supportive replies publicly, you'll help more people than just the OP. If your responses are of good quality, you'll educate and inspire other helpers.** [The 1-9-90 rule](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/1%25_rule_(Internet_culture\)) applies here as much as it does anywhere else on the internet. * People who are struggling with serious mental-health issues often (justifiably) have a low tolerance for disappointment and a high-level of ever-changing emotional need. **Unless the helper is able to make a 100% commitment to be there for them in every way, for as long as necessary, offering a personal inbox as a resource is likely to do more harm than good.** This is why mental-health crisis-line responders usually don't give their names and callers aren't allowed to request specific responders. It's much healthier and safer for the callers to develop a relationship with the agency as a whole. Analogously, it's much safer and healthier for our OPs to develop a relationship with the community as a whole. Even trained responders are generally not allowed to work high-intensity situations alone. It's partly about availability, but it's mostly about wider perspective and preventing compassion fatigue. * **If a helper gets in over their head with someone whose mental-health issues (including suicidality, which is often comorbid with depression) escalate, in a PM conversation it's much harder for others, including the /r/depression and /r/SuicideWatch moderators to help**. (Contrary to common assumptions, moderators can't see or police PMs.) * In our observation over many years, the people who say "PM me" the most are consistently the ones with the least understanding of mental-health issues and mental-health support. We all have gaps in our knowledge and in our ability to communicate effectively. Community input mitigates these limitations. **There's no reason why someone who's truly here to help would want to hide their responses from community scrutiny**. If helpers are concerned about their own privacy, keep in mind that self-disclosure, when used supportively, is more about the feelings than the details, and that we have no problem here with the use of alt/throwaway accounts, and have no restrictions on account age or karma. * We all know the internet is used by some people to exploit or abuse others. These people *do* want to hide their deceptive and manipulative responses from everyone except their victims. There are many of them who specifically target those who are vulnerable because of mental-health issues. **If a helper invites an OP to talk privately and gives them a good, supportive experience, they've primed that person to be more vulnerable to abusers.** This sort of cognitive priming tends to be particularly effective when someone's in a state of mental-health crisis, when people rely more on heuristics than critical reasoning. * If OPs want to talk privately, posting on a wide-open anonymous forum like reddit might not be the best option. Although we don't recommend it, we do allow OPs to request private contact when asking for support. If you want to do this, please keep your expectations realistic, and to have a careful look at the history of anyone who offers to PM before opening up to them.

Going back to college at 33 after 3 times of dropping out.

I've always wanted to go back to school, the cards never aligned. I had too many distractions or no transportation and grew fed up with the bus. This time I have my own car, I've been at my job for 2 years and they offer the flexibility to go back. I want to prove to myself that I can stick to it and not self sabotage. I ran into someone(and avoided like the plague) at disneyland and began to want change. It feels daunting but if I start with 2 classes I can work from there.

Crying alone all the time

All I wan is to be loved. I just want someone to hug me and tell me its gonna be ok. Just a little affection, not too much. Instead I have nothing and noone.

I genuinely don’t think I’ll ever be able to handle all of the adult responsibilities I have.

I don’t even drive, didn’t finish my high school degree (can always get my GED though), can’t make it through college, can’t hold down a job. I know this is gross but I can barely shower or brush my teeth. Washing the dishes, cleaning the house, making my bed are almost impossible tasks. I’m so jealous of people that can do these things. I feel trapped and think of death often as the only way to escape this. Maybe I should try therapy? I don’t even know how to be an adult tbh. Like what is adulting? I do want to be a nurse (or a PSW at first) in the future I cannot leave my house unless I’m with my mom. I think this is due to bullying in school and now I just don’t want to be in the outside world.

I'm not depressed anymore yay

Now I am happy. Just thought I'd say that. So I am leaving the subreddit. Thanks for everything y'all and bye.

Ever since I started meds, everyone acts like I’m not allowed to have negative feelings.

I’m so sick of it. Any time I have any kind of negative emotion or feel upset/sad about anything, I’m immediately questioned: “did you take your medicine today? Did you miss your meds?” I feel like it just invalidates my feelings or makes me feel like I’m never supposed to be upset because I take a pill every morning.

I’m beginning to despise the person I’m becoming

I feel like I’ve become so angry & bitter & resentful. My mental health has taken a complete toll & I’m jealous of those who don’t have to live like this. I’m jealous of the people in my life who’s lives are progressing & have achieved so much already. I graduated with a degree that I have no clue what to do with. I possibly just put myself $90,000 in debt for nothing. I feel like I’m living the same day over & over again. I’m a cold shell who can’t relate or have an actual meaningful conversation with anyone. This makes me want to remain completely isolated & I can barely stand my own company. My thoughts are beginning to crops dangerous territory.

I'm not feeling anything right now

I don't want to talk to my friends or family and I just want to rot away in my room. Doing anything is pain in the ass and I sped all day online. I don't feel anything about myself. I don't hate myself but I am certainly not feeling very positive. I am really jealous of some people though, being able to socialize with ease. I don't have motivation and it's really hard to cry. I don't like my life but I find it hard to have strong opinions on myself.

The worst question: How are you? How to answer without lying or making people uncomfortable?

How do answer the question: How are you? Or what have you been up to? Or What do you do? Real answers: I’m terrible and I wish I didn’t exist. I’ve been doing nothing. I sleep and try to stay asleep as much as possible so I can’t think. Again, I don’t do anything. I don’t work. I don’t have a job. I can barely function. I just exist because I’m told how awful it would be for everyone else if I ended it. I know most people say it as a greeting, hey, how are you, and they’re not expecting a real answer. But sometimes people are trying to make an effort and think they genuinely want to know, but I don’t think they do. Or they do, but don’t know what to do with the answer. I have treatment resistant depression and have been struggling my whole life. I’m now a 41(f) who mostly stays in bed and has to live with her dad. I am not fine. But I was at the dentist appointment and my dentist is a nice guy and he asks me how I’m doing, and I answer evasively and he kind of persists by asking if I’m busy working. And I finally just say, I’m don’t have a job and the conversation dies away. I know he means well, but I don’t know how to answer him without lying and without making him feel uncomfortable. Should I just lie to be friendly? If I’m at all honest about my depression, most people don’t know how to react to that. They may say they’re sorry to hear that, or try to say something cheerful like, it’ll get better (which is never cheerful). I have one or 2 friends who still bother to check in occasionally. One called recently on my birthday and asked me how I was doing. The question immediately made me feel awkward, but I tried to be honest and I said not great, been lying in bed mostly. And immediately you can sense the awkwardness. She didn’t know what to say after that. We eventually got past it. But the point is, I don’t want to have to go through that song and dance each time. So I don’t want to lie and say I’m fine. But I don’t want to be so honest that it makes people uncomfortable. And I don’t want to have to say something hopeful like, I’m going through a difficult time but I’m working things out, etc. I feel like I spend most of my time trying not to hide how depressed I am and it’s exhausting. But it’s not their fault they don’t know what it’s like to be depressed and don’t know how to relate. But I also don’t want to have to take care of other people’s feelings. But I don’t want to alienate people. I mean fuck! I feel fucked either way. I would appreciate some feedback on how others deal.

The highs are fine but the lows are so damn low for someone with high-functioning depression.

Currently living my life on auto pilot. I follow the routine, I'll smile and laugh at your jokes. I'll listen to your stories and sympathize with what you're going through. I'll give you my advice, and reassure you I'm okay and you don't have to worry about me, you have to focus on your problems for now. I'll read that book you recommended, and listen to my specially curated playlist while I cook dinner. I work out and take those walks while I laugh about your bad jokes. But then I wake up the next day to my alarm feeling the weight of the world on top of my shoulders. I force myself out of bed after contemplating whether it's worth it. I feel the numbness exhibiting itself through those dark circles underneath my eyes, gosh I must have cried for way too long last night. I try to survive this day without looking suspicious. Finally, I crash back to my bed having done the absolute minimum of what is expected of me today. I try to let it out, but nothing comes out. I'm stuck in this limbo where I'm not appreciating the moment nor am I looking forward to tomorrow. The lows are really low for someone who has managed to hide it very well.

All there is, is nothingness

So let's be clear here. I'm totally fine. I made a some friends this year which is pretty cool and not an often occurrence for me. A couple of them have asked to hang out with me too. But of course I've started pushing away. Can't get too close you know because we all know they're just gonna leave. I tried to smile in the mirror but it just didn't look right. Then I thought to myself why bother. There's not much to smile about. All good things come to an end and there's nothing anyone can do about it. The sh free is back to 0 again and I don't think I care to do anything about it. I guess I'm just slipping off the deep end. But slipping more like slowly drowning in past memories. And dreams. Fucking dreams. There all so fucking horrifying. Idk where the heck they are coming from or why they're so damn fucked up but here we are. Idk what's more suffocating. This or a plastic bag.

Nothing

I’m a 35 year old man, the sole income of a house of 3. I work, I come home, I sleep , I repeat. My partner plays video games all day and night. Hardly pays me any attention. I’ve lost interest in everything I’ve ever found enjoyment with. I don’t know what is going to get me out of this. Been going on for a couple years. My parents committed suicide together 11 years ago this August. Starting to think it wasn’t a bad idea.

i wish everyone could forget me , so that i could finally end myself .

Im just realy sick an tired of life . I suck at every aspect of life : relationships , friendships ( meaning i have none ) , mental health , my addictions , jobs . Iam jobbless 4 years now and living of my parents , cause I'am an antisocial loser , i literally cant be around other people i just start freak out inside for no reason i know its irrational but even knowing it i still cant stop , i feel like everyone is above me that iam miles from everyone and miles from where thought i would be in life when i was younger . Im getting choked by all aspects of life cause everywhere i suck , when i look in my future there just isnt one . I wish i could just end this pointless existence of mine but i cant cause ill ust bring more pain to my family and i caused then enough embarassment and pain .

It.Gets.Better.

TW Last night while laying in bed, not able to sleep, brainlessly scrolling TT, I looked down at my arm, and noticed my 8yo son (who often sleeps in my bed-divorcing single mom) has fallen asleep with his hand on my arm. July 13 at around 1:30am I noticed this. Neither of my kids know that just last weekend on July 8th I had planned to overdose on medications while both were away.. I cried my eyes out silently next to him, for feeling so selfish and mad at the thought of leaving them. I still struggle, but todays a better day. Whoever needs to hear it- DO NOT let the darkness lie to you. You’re loved, you’re needed, and you are kick ass… Do what you gotta do to get out of your shitty situation and get your mental health happier♥️

It’s so frustrating knowing that I’ll never get better

My life is over I’m about to be 21 and I already feel dead. I’ve made so many mistakes throughout my life I feel worthless. I wish i could be optimistic about my future but how could I be? I’m a high school dropout, ugly, fat, and dumb. I can’t change any of those things. I’m just a waste of space.

"Any thoughts of suicide"

Is what the psychiatrist asked me. I'm always a bit confused because the thoughts of suicide are always there almost constantly, just at different intensities. I sometimes forget that these thoughts don't come naturally to most other people.

I’m tired

I just want to outlet. I’m running out of options. I do not understand how I got to this state. I assume it is because of the bad sequence of events that seem to never end. It’s not that I am debilitated to the point of being in my bed all day, I would say that I am high functioning for a person has depression. Today, I made my girlfriend cry because I told her I wanted to die last night due to my mental health. I cried and cried until all my pain went away. I somehow have one person I want to make feel happy and have a good relationship with and it’s being tarnished because of my indescribable depression again. I have wanted to kill myself consecutively for over a year and think about death every day. I don’t feel real. I don’t want to feel this way. As much as I feel the need of wanting to be dead, I know this can’t last forever and I know this is not what I want or what anyone wants. I need help, if that only option is to be manage my addiction to coping with weed and getting back on prescriptions in order to attempt to help myself for the third time. If this doesn’t work, I don’t know what will.

I'm 55 and can't see the point anymore

It won't get better will it :-) ? ​

I can never explain how I feel

Every time I start to feel depressed (It comes in waves so one moment I'll be fine, the next I'll be crying silently in my room) I never understand why. People always ask "Hey. What's wrong?" and I rarely actually know what's wrong, but I get too scared to tell people that because they won't understand so I just don't say anything and I know I shouldn't do that but I don't know what else to do. Is it really just nothing? Am I just overreacting? (ps sorry for the run on sentence)

Vent: My husband just pointed that he can’t understand why I’m so depressed because I live “a pretty darn good life.”

Thanks for that POV, sir, my depression is cured.

honestly

nothing will be left of me but a memory, but even that will die off too

I do ... not - Divorcing with Depression

A week ago I saw the sun. But only a few hours later, I fell back into a dark hole. I felt the urge to share it on the same day on Reddit. Couldn't. No headspace. No energy. A lot can happen in a week. In example, I got legally divorced. While driving back home after court, I seemed to be in another sphere and at the same time, the huge, dark, heavy cloud hovering over me since years started to disappear bit by bit.

le sigh

i can have the coolest, most understanding and supportive friends in the world...at the end of the day when the jaws close over me there is no-one, not a single soul on this planet who could dissauge my soul from flying into an epic rage...im medicated into a sub category of utterly numb yet my soul is deathly tired...i want to crawl into a hole and end

Therapy is stupid

I've been in therapy every two weeks or so for about two years and I can honestly say i've seen very little benefit, if any. I only go for something to do and my therapist is somewhat "bearable" and decent compared to ones I've had in the past. I find the whole "industry" of therapy kind of stupid and laughable. I have respect for my therapist as a person but I mean I have had deep trauma basically from birth and there's really no helping me. I have come to this conclusion. I occasionally have to go to my local hospital to ask for a benzodiazepine or two when I'm truly in a horrible state and everytime I do so I have to talk to the mental health nurse (basically a therapist) and I feel like I'm confessing my sins to a priest or something. I'd actually go so far as to say therapy makes me feel worse, usually as it just brings up all of my trauma and repressed memories that I don't want to talk about or remember. It's kind of demoralizing and embarassing. Especially when I have to go to hospital due to my diagnosed Boderline Personality Disorder and I know from years of "experience" that I literally just need a benzodiazepine to calm down but first I have to talk to a therapist for like 45 mins and it feels exhausting and unnessary. It's like I literally know what works for me and what helps and it's never been therapy, at all. Any other chronic condition- a person at hospital would simply have to do a 5 or 10 minute chat with a doctor. Anyone else hate or dislike therapy and find it doesn't help them?

Alone and depressed.

I have felt so alone for so long. I have a partner that doesn't care about my feelings at all. He neglects me emotionally, physically and sexually. I tell him daily how I feel and what I need, yet I still receive nothing. Nothing. I feel like I don't matter. Like my thoughts and feelings mean nothing. I want to run away, be alone and never see anyone again. I'm happy that there are people here that understand how I feel, but I feel sad that I know these feelings. I read all of your posts everyday and I can relate to so many of you. Everyday I feel more numb and I am losing myself. I use alcohol, sleep, and just become another person to help me through the pain. I've done everything to reach out and get my partner and best friend to pay attention, in healthy ways and sometimes not. I often lash out with complete frustration from repeating myself and never being seen or heard. He just does not care and it makes me feel like nothing. My depression makes me feel terrible, but to reach out and be ignored makes me feel horrible. I know some of you will understand how I feel and I appreciate those who don't too. Thank you for not only hearing me, but for listening to me and my feelings. You are all people that deserve so much better in life. I wish you all a world of good blessings. I truly hope life gets better for you.

I'm not getting better, just adapting

The title says it all. I'm still as apathetic and just numb as the past several years but I'm now just adapting to work my life around it.

The airport grilled cheese is the only reason i’m willing to live my life

I’ve had major depressive disorder for five years and things aren’t going so well. I’m probably going to be forced to take leave from school due to poor academic performance. My life is really a mess and I don’t even know where I’m going to live and what I’m going to do past three days from now. However, tomorrow I’m taking a flight to visit my partner’s family and at this particular airport they have an amazing grilled cheese at the cafe. I’m really looking forward to eating it. For this grilled cheese, I will wake up in the morning, put on clothes, and live another day.

I give up

only place, no matter if it is the worse, i literally deserve it

I need help..

Im turning 20 and I'm dealing with alot of negative energy and I'm just about done with life...my stepdad abused my sister and threatened my mom...my friends are thinking of kicking me out just for looking after my mom...and I'm losing the motivation to just live amd be happy....I dont know what to do.....I do alot of workout but even that doesn't seem to work anymore....

I’m at the end of my rope

I can’t take this anymore. I’ve just hurt myself for the first time in months. I am tired physically/mentally/emotionally. I’m done. I’m only living for my baby but even that is starting to not be enough. I want to die. I want to be free of my thoughts. I want this to be over.

I took my antidepressant after not taking it for awhile and I violently threw them up

So as I said before I hadn't taken my pills for a few days and when I did take them I began violently throwing up. Does anybody know why this might have happened?

Am i depressed?

I m(16) don’t know if i’m depressed or not. i feel like i hate every aspect of my being. i hate that i’m not good enough, i hate that no one in my life every stays. it all started around 8th grade when i used to get bullied for my looks. it was an everyday thing and i was too embarrassed and soft spoken to fight back. i’m in high school now and my looks have improved tremendously. so much so that my confidence is through the roof sometimes, but on the other hand sometimes i still feel like that kid that used to get bullied and my confidence plummets. i’ve lost a lot of family members starting with my dad when i was 9 and it’s been downhill ever since. almost every night without fail i’m awake thinking about whether this world really needs someone like me in it. i’ve never self harmed because i’m too scared but i’ve held multiple guns to my head and almost pulled the trigger. can someone please tell me if i’m depressed or if this is just a phase.

What cured your depression?

Im going through severe anxiety recently. I have no control of my mind. I am addicted to pornography. Im only 18 I think I am destroying my life. I have this fear and anxiety that my friends and family will find out I am addicted to porno and also I have done a lot more bad in the past 2 years. I always think I will get exposed for my bad doings In real I look very happy and my friends would never expect that I am going through this mentally hard times. I am very popular. There are girls in my class that are into me too but I am always freaking about what if they know what I really am What can I do to get my simple life back?☹️

Zoloft

Is it true that you can’t drink at all on Zoloft? My psych never told me that and I wish I knew before starting it. Of course I know the meds are important, but I do socially drink here and there and didn’t know I can’t enjoy a glass of wine with dinner. I take 50mg Zoloft in the morning. Does anyone else have a glass of wine or 2 each week on 50mg Zoloft? Everywhere I look it says to completely avoid.

i dont know what to do anymore

i used to look forward to going to sleep not bc i was tired but bc i used to wake up happy. now even thats gone. every day i suffer with thoughts of self harm because im to pussy to kill myself. im covered in cuts right now probably close to 50 of em and i just cant seem to stop. i wish i could cry to let some of it off but i just never can get it out. ive lost interest in the few things that gave me a semblance of happiness and i dont have much else to get into im only 16 and i cannot find a job in my area. i hate myself so much and i cant even put into words why I'm so sad every day but it is just so fucking terrible. i seriously cannot go 30 minutes without just having a complete mental lock up and think of ways to just end it so ill be release from the constant suffering im in. i just want it to be over i cant do this. i wish i had the balls to fucking kill myself this shit is so bad i dont even know what to do. i see no point to life and i really wish i could change but i cant nothing i do seems to change how i look at things. i want a motorcycle so bad but every time i think about riding it comes up to me thinking of ways to make a crash look like an accident and that it wasnt intentional. ive planned years that if i make it to im doing it. in 2027 ill be 21 and i plan to ultimately crash then. that is if i dont do it before bc 2025 ill be 19 and ive also planned about doing it then as well. i dont even know where im going with this my medication doesnt help the people i used to talk to have given up bc they have nothing left to offer i dont even know man i just dont know the past few days have been so mashed together my mind is covered in a fog that makes thinking hard and i just cant function. i pretty much lost one of my closest friends, they were the only person to listen to me, constantly talk to me, hop online with me, willing to hangout and now its gone i just dont know anymore

I think this was a mistake

I don't think making an account on here was a good idea i still haven't found any decent people no one wants to talk to me I don't think I belong anywhere I think i should delete everything rot in my room till I pass on what am i supposed to do I keep trying all these sites and nothing ever goes right i'm starting to really hate myself and should just never leave my room

Feeling worthless

I dont know why it's never enough, but no matter what I do, I don't feel good enough. I feel it is only a matter of time before those around me will recognise my worthlessness and leave.

Starting to take care of myself.

In the past, I never fully understood the term "take care of yourself", I thought I was not worth of care- that I've made my bed and I've grown too comfortable. Why start now when I'm already in the deep end? Slowly I've been changing my ways. I realized my body was my temple- that even if my mind could not keep up, I now have to rely on my body to fight the damages. My depression has always been bad, but ever since covid I was in the worst spots in my life, I never thought I could "beat" my past low points but somehow I did. Since covid, I could not look after myself ranging from eating, my work, relationship, and hygiene in all aspects. I simply gave up, and I didn't care, it was as if I was a soulless vessel. What was worse was starting college during it, but somehow I barely made it through, but whilst it I developed an unhealthy relationship with my grades as I found it as my only sense of worth, coupled with resurfacing trauma- basically it was a sh\*tshow! Before this spring ended I made amends with myself, that I was now the caretaker of my soul and body, kind of a parent looking over my younger self. Whenever I have self-destructive tendencies, like staying up all night to finish an assignment, I would console myself in the kindest way. I know this seems all very basic things, but coming to a realization of how much my trauma impacted my lifelong damaging habits was eye-opening. I don't want it to define me anymore, I won't let it eat me, I deserve better. I'll be a parent to my soul for as long as I am alive. This is not a testimonial, I've grown to be aware that depression will be a lifelong battle, I still have my days, but at least now I can mend the wound.

I feel directionless, waiting for something to happen, and facing major existential questions

As the title says, I'm facing a major existential crisis and have no idea what I'm supposed to do. I'm out of the workforce and living off rapidly dwindling savings, hoping something "happens" to spur me to action or be a catalyst for something I don't even know what. I feel like it all started with the pandemic. It's funny in a way. Before, I was working a dead-end job at a movie theater. No prospects, no idea what I wanted to do with my life. But I was content. I enjoyed my work and the people I worked with. I've been unemployed since March 2020, and although my standard of living went up dramatically as a result of unemployment and other benefits, my mental health has declined, also dramatically. What's funny about it, aside from the fact that my life is objectively better from a material perspective and I'm more depressed than ever, is that my life outlook hasn't actually changed. The only thing that changed about my long term outlook on life is me getting older, and thinking increasingly about it. So it could be said that the only reason I wasn't going through this existential crisis before is that I had a job and was content. Realistically, if I'd continued to hold that job, the only difference between then and now is I'd have worked a dead-end job for 3 more years, and been happier doing it. In other words, having my job was a crutch to prevent me from actually examining what my plan was and what I wanted to do to move forward. Now that I don't have that, I'm forced to confront these questions on a daily basis. The only problem is I don't have answers, and that is incredibly distressing. An optimist would see me losing my job as a good thing, to force a confrontation with the shape of my life. However, there is no optimism now. I confronted the shape of my life, and the shape of my life beat me back down and reminded me of my place. I'd only forgotten. Suicide has never been an option for me. It never will be. Whether it's a principle, or me not being strong enough is irrelevant. It will never enter my mind as a reasonable solution. But I'm self-aware enough to know that if it WAS an option, I'd have taken it months ago. That's where I'm at in my life. Another person in my body with my mind would've done it by now. But I'm me, so I know I won't. But that realization is incredibly disheartening. The feeling of living a life that anyone else would've already ended is hard to describe and even harder to experience.

I’m 16 and I don’t know wat to do with my life

my grades are pretty good but my state has standardized testing and I can’t seem to pass the test, and I need to pass those test graduate from highschool. I’ve been thinking about wat I want to do in my life but I don’t enjoy anything anymore. My sophomore year I made varsity track and was good, but every since this summer started I started realizing how much I dread growing up. I’m 16 and have no money, I’m short, I still don’t know how to drive, my sleep schedule is terrible. I honestly feel horrible.

My life atm

Hey all... i dont think i can call myself depressed... i dont know what to call myself at this point , numb maybe the correct word. I work constant night shifts (i know not healty) but no other option, pays well and evrything with corona got crazy expensive. I wake up at noon, get behind my pc, smoke weed and game all day long. Somethime ill make an appointment with a friend, but 99% of the times i will cancel last minute bcs i just dont feel like seeing people. I dont know many people, and dont realy have anyone to talk to. I like going to concerts en festivals , and im doing that a lot the last years but all solo almost. I feel very lonley and alone. How long wil this downword spiral end...😥 i dont feel necarsarly bad... but totaly not good at all aswell ... Its hard to explane how i feel now. Is someone in the same place as me at the moment ? It was not always like this my life turned 180° in a few years. Sorry for my fucked up english. Tried my best.

Can I please talk to someone.

I made this account because I was bored but I am struggling with depression. As I'm typing this, I'm becoming lazy and don't want to anymore but I know it will help me. Please I really need someone to talk to

I don’t know if I’m depressed or not

I’m always happy with my friends, at least 90% of the time I hangout with them. 6 months ago my friends got busier and we stopped hanging out, I use to hangout with the same 3 pretty much everyday after school. I barely hangout with anyone and it’s summer now. I talk to one person that is my good friend and we play video games and hangout on occasions. Every night I get into bed after not doing anything all day, it’ll be 3am and I start feeling sad, some nights I turn on sad music and fall asleep to it. I think about how I’m not doing anything with anyone and how I have nothing to do. I think about how I just want to get out of this stage of life I’m in and be on my own in college. My most listened to songs are really sad and depressing ones, and I guess that might set the mood for how I feel most of the time. I know I’m not a loser besides for the fact I don’t hangout with anyone. I workout when I want, I do stuff with my family, and right now as I write this I can’t think of anything else. If I felt like how I did when I got in bed every night I know I would be depressed. I don’t know what to write about, I don’t do self harm and never would. I don’t have thoughts of wanting to be dead. But as I said earlier I wish I could skip these years in my life and be an adult living on my own. I sometimes wish I had no friends so I could change and no one would care. I also hate the thought of others knowing I’m depressed, i used to think being depressed was a trend when everyone was saying it for attention online for dumb reasons. I don’t really know what to say, I kinda want someone to respond and tell me something

How Can I Control My Suicidal Thoughts?

How Can I Control My Suicidal Thoughts? My mom and I got into a really bad argument yesterday and said really mean things to each other. The things she said hurt so much that my suicidal thoughts are coming back and getting really hard to control. This happens every time we get into a disagreement and she says really harsh things, which happens once a week or, at best, bi-weekly. I’ve never self harmed and have no intention to but the thoughts get so overwhelming that I give up on myself and shut down. Thanks for any replies.

I hate being myself

And it’s so awkward … I mean I don’t feel okay with myself . I hate every parts of me , and no matter how hard I try to cover how insecure I am , I’m just left with that feeling I feel bad for existing , I want ppl to stop seeing me . I feel bad because , like I’m ruining ppl’s day by being me . My face my personality, everything about me , I feel like it’s really annoying to ppl . I feel like everyone hates me . And then , I just want to hide and to stop existing…

I just want to fucking die

Seeing someone who you loved that dumped you, I just want to fucking die

Just thought about how disappointing it would be to my younger self if he knew where I am now

Like if someone told my 14 year-old self that ten years later I’d be at the lowest point of my life, void of any sort of joy, living everyday numb, tired of my existence, hopeless, going through the worst heartbreak and on the verge of tears everyday, having failed at everything I sought to achieve, unable to control myself to any satisfying degree or have an organized life when that was the thing I wanted most… I’d be shocked. Like I wouldn’t even believe it. Like it would make me think “Am I really destined for that kind of shitty life?” But that really is what my life is right now. An empty, hollow thing. It has been that way for years and it I’ve been at rock bottom for about almost two years now.

Goodbye everyone

It's over. Nothing and nobody will help me. It's pointless... It's all wrong... Be stronger than me, I am begging You...

I just want to disappear

I feel like shit will never get better and I have no purpose here

I’m 17 and I feel so alone

I’m half way through 17 and realized that there is so much shit that I have to do. I need a car which my uncle said he’d give me his old car when I was 16. He invited me over to his house to showcase the car and then fast forward a year later he fucking lied. I have a helicopter mom who doesn’t let me go anywhere or do shit. And I have the worst fucking siblings on the planet who hate me because I have a different dad and then feel as if my life is “better” when in reality its fucking not. I need to get a job but I have no one to bring me to work. I need a car but I have no fucking support and my mom keeps stealing my money. I have to go to college next year but my parents won’t help me with tuition so I have to find a way to make ends meet for college. And I can’t ask any of my siblings for help because again they hate me and they are all mentally unstable. I’m stuck inside every fucking day, I can’t travel, I can’t hangout with my friends and at this point I’d rather just shoot myself in the fucking head then live this shitty ass life. I can’t talk to my friends about how I feel because I’m constantly playing therapist but nobody wants to hear about my shit. And therapy resources are shit and so far I’ve been put on a waiting list. I’m just so tired so fucking tired. I want to sleep and not wake up. Sorry for the rant. I just want some advice on what I can do to leave my toxic household and make enough money to buy an apartment or pay for college.

How much longer??! MDE

I’ve started another major depressive episode, psychomotor retardation, insomnia, no food etc. it’s the first week and last time this happened it took a month. I literally could barely speak I was so exhausted two days ago. Each year the symptoms get worse and now I just don’t want to wake up anymore.

Nothing is enjoyable anymore. There's no hope.

I may have to check in back into the hospital...

i don’t like every day

its five in the morning where i am and i cant go to sleep because i feel alone. i have been depressed most of my life. i just turned twenty and im in another valley. as if there are any “hills” in my current situation. i don’t know whats wrong with me. i want to go to college but i need a job. im a smart person. i did well in high school. i have many talents and most people would consider me lucky probably. but i just cant pull myself together. i cant even do my laundry twice in one month. it keeps piling up. my therapist recently told me about this “quick and dirty” method to getting things done. but i cant seem to do anything. i hate myself. i cant believe ive wasted two years. i just think maybe im not fit for life. like, shouldn’t i just do things? im physically capable. im more than capable, even. i think maybe i just feel sorry for myself or something. i also think i might be dying but i cant make a doctors appointment either. and my partner works now and they dont have as much time for me. my only other friend is out of the state. if i could just get a job i would at least be busy. i would at least not be broke. and money would make me happy. ive been on a lot of pills, but my therapist wants me to try going on one again. for my mood. i like my current therapist. she is nice. but i kind of want to kill myself sometimes and i always forget to tell her that. anyways i just need some human interaction. thanks for letting me vent

I feel like I don’t exist

It feels like everyone and everything around me is starting to move so fast while I stay still but I don’t care. I don’t have any goals and I don’t care that I don’t. I don’t want anything except the want to want something. I honestly try to find things that matter to me but nothing ever brings me the type of joy I see others have. I don’t want to die or anything and I won’t actively seek that. But I also don’t think it’d matter if I did. I don’t have anything to prove to myself or anyone, I have no drive. I genuinely don’t know what to do.

Fractured Trust: The Betrayal of Opening Hearts

As I opened up my heart, laying bare my deepest struggles and vulnerabilities, little did I know the pain that would follow. They asked me to share my issues, to confide in them, assuring me they would be there. With a flicker of hope, I entrusted them with the fragments of my shattered soul. But as my words spilled out, an uncomfortable shift took place. Their gaze averted, their body language recoiled. The weight of my pain seemed too heavy for them to bear. And just like that, they vanished, leaving me stranded in the depths of my vulnerability. The silence echoed louder than their departing footsteps. Questions plagued my mind. Did I say too much? Was I too burdensome? The wounds I thought would heal through their support were instead ripped open, exposed to the rawness of abandonment. It's a cruel reality, discovering that those who claim to care may not have the capacity to truly be there. The scars on my heart grew deeper, and the trust I once held dear became a fragile illusion. Yet, amidst the pain, a flicker of resilience emerged. I learned that my worth is not defined by the temporary presence or absence of others. It lies within me, waiting to be nurtured and cherished. So, I pick up the pieces, reminding myself that the journey of healing begins with self-compassion. To those who have experienced this heartbreak, know that you are not alone. There are those who will listen, who will embrace your vulnerability with empathy and understanding. And as you navigate the labyrinth of human connections, never forget your own strength and capicty for healing

The brightside of depression.

There is something oddly beautiful about depression In that it can happen to anyone. Depression is the great equalizer. It doesn't matter who you are or what you have in life. You could be a millionaire with a huge mansion and a loving family and still be severely depressed. Don't get me wrong, I am by no means trying to spread toxic positivity. My experience with depression has been fucking terrible. It's indescribable and isolating, and I'm still not cured from it. But in hopes of becoming an optimist, I'm trying to see the brightside in everything. So back to depression being the great equalizer, there is something very humanizing and humbling about this aspect of depression. It reminds us to be in alignment with our true selfs. Yes, money and houses are nice, but if those things aren't in alignment with what your true self needs you will be depressed. Other causes for depression exist of course, but this is just one example of how depression can actually help point us in the right direction towards fulfillment. You could be hugely successful and still be depressed, but by that same token you could have nothing at all and be truly happy. We all have to look after each other because literally no matter what, anyone of us could succumb to depression. Yes that is a terrifying idea, but this also means that depression can help us all come together.

The thing about asking for advice ...

... is that people don't want to help, they want to be validated. They start off sympathetic but it seems like they get angry when they realize they don't know how to help. It seems like - if they can't help they would rather ensure nobody else can either.

dont know anything anymore, it doesnt matter

Ive gone numb, how pathetic to have no one to go to that i resort to a post with a bunch of other people who dont even know my name. ive lost it all, respect, reputation, love. i cant take another night sitting by myself in my room. when i was home it was different, i could just walk outside, have somewhere to go, someone to be with. the days are blurring together, who am i, what am i, what am i doing with my life. ive been cutting more, its louder in my head every fucking day. its never been this loud, yet this room is so quiet. i want to be at peace, i dont even want happiness, just peace. a moment where i dont close my eyes and imagine myself killing myself. whats the fastest cleanist way? i would hate to make my mother clean up the mess. i hate it here, i hate it everywhere. i just want to go.

Feeling suicidal after a good day

I had a good day yesterday, I spent time with my friend and I think I really enjoyed it. Like the way when you don’t even have to question if you are enjoying or not, everything is just fine and you just know it. After that I have been very calm. Too calm. It felt like it was my the surge before death, calm before the storm. I feel like I have to end things before it gets worse again, even though I don’t want to. I don’t want to die, but I don’t see any other options. I can’t imagine having future, I can keep going for a day or a week, but not years or longer. So I’m having that thought if I’m going to end things in any case, better to do it as soon as possible and not to postpone it any longer. That was just a rant, I needed to write my thoughts. Sorry.

"yeah, but you're not that depressed"

Hate that. Bitch I am out here trying.

I tried to end my life

A few minutes ago I tried to end myself using a helium gas tank. I connected the noozle to a garbage bag and I put my head in it. I tried multiple times but I ended up failing because my body would panic and my breath would shorten. I thought helium is something the body can't sense but I guess I'm wrong. I hate myself, I always hurt everyone around me. And I have done terrible things that cannot be forgiven. I fail at everything even at killing myself, such a joke I am.

I feel a little bit of peace.

I've successfully distracted my mind. Nothing changed but I feel ok for a moment. It's always drugs... I wish there was someone that could make me feel this way.

When do I get to be happy?

My life has been a series of sadness and heartbreak. Time and time again, I’ve been betrayed by people around me. I thought getting friends would make me happier and it did until it kind of didn’t. Then I fell in love with my boyfriend. But it seems like I’m slipping out of that happiness. Or maybe it’s been drained out of me and put into him. I don’t know. I don’t even know if I know what real happiness is. Is it supposed to be temporary like this? How could I want to live like this for the rest of my life?

I want it all to end

At 24 years of age I have nothing going and nothing to show. homeless,working a dead end job that barely pays me, broke, barely any friends and no family. I don’t have enough money to even afford shoes and have no real relationships. I don’t want to continue life if in 10 years I’m still in the same spot. I feel like I live just so a handful of people can be happy. Life is over for me. I can’t afford college, aren’t attractive enough to get a boyfriend, or have any value as a person or skills. I hate it here

Feeling lost.

It's my birthday. I don't why people even have birthdays. To me it's a day my Probpems are worse. I remember the people I have lost and that are not here. I feel great sadness. I feel they should be having a birthday and not me. I feel alone even though I am not. It's the day I was born and also a day that makes me wanna not be here. Everything on Holidays and Birthdays rip me apart. It sucks to feel broken. It's like keep trying but nothing works. I can't even hurt myself so no worries. I have people that depend on me. I also promised someone close I never would. So I can't. It just sucks. I can never enjoy life. If any of you feel that way too. I am sorry and rooting for you. I know how bad it can hurt you. It's tough. .

This is what rock bottom feels like

That’s the takeaway from my life these past years and what my future self will remember. I feel guilty because there are objectively good things about my life like the fact I’m young and went to college, even if the college experience was shit. And it makes me feel even more guilty I couldn’t make the best of it. I just spiraled into a hole of mental illness, lack of self control and stagnation which I desperately wanted to get out of and never did. I failed.

monthly payments and living in the now

does this sound like a weird title for a post on the depression subreddit? anyway. i won't mince words: my retirement plan is a bullet to the brain. but my utter lack of a future has presented me with a unique resource: the ability to mortgage said future to benefit me now. i've sunk very deep into materialism, owing to the fact that i have no future and frankly i'm not interested in living for that long. my life will more or less be over by the time im 40, but accepting and acknowledging that fact has made me quite comfortable and sometimes even content in the present. i have all the things i want. i indulge in the hobbies i previously considered too expensive. i at least have a steady job and most of my paycheck goes to paying off debt but living this way--living in the here and now, focusing only on my happiness today and tomorrow--has stabilized me significantly. of course any financial setback will send this house of cards tumbling down but who cares? i have a perfect escape plan anyway. just food for thought: saving for a retirement that'll never come is pointless. saving for a retirement that won't be happy is doubly pointless. leverage your resources. be happy in the Here and Now.

I’m loss

I’m loss, I don’t know what to do or how to feel my cat has been missing for 30 days and I just feel loss I miss him and every time he comes up in a conversation or in my mind I just get this weird feeling in my heart like it drops. My mind is just racing at night

Wish it wasn't so hard.

I dont want any1 to worry. Im not gonna do something that would cause concern. I learned a long time ago that i wouldnt harm myself and that in and of itself becomes a challenge. I try, i promise you i do. To be better, to do better. Make effort, make changes. And somedays its stable. I dont feel like my life is coming to an end. But then there are days like today... boy am i struggling. I feel alone, i feel small, i feel invisible. I feel undesired, i feel forgetable, i feel replaceable. All these negative feelings all at once and i just feel like the world would be a better place without me in it. I feel like my lack of positive contribution, is a negative contribution, and thus the world would be at a net positive or at worst case a net neutral without my presence. I again would like to reiterate that i will not self harm. Guess this is kinda just a broad emotional dump. I know i am partly to blame for my situation, i don't blindly blame the world, there are most certainly things i could do differently. It just comes back to my title... i wish it wasnt so hard. I used to watch the west wing alot, and there was an episode and a scene of a father talking to member of the white house staff about how expensive college was. He said something along the lines of, things should be tough, things worth having are tough, but this is alot, i wish it was just a little bit easier. Im not running from the battle. Im just exhausted and dont feel the strength to fight. Yet here i am still just existing in the void till i find a way to make it ... somewhere.

(20F) I wish I was a hot girl

I feel like I'm just chronically single and lonely as hell and I've felt that way since I was 13. And no matter how much love I can give myself it's never enough. I wish I was attractive and beautiful and hot. I got the "unique" genes. Men look at me as the last choice in a partner. Oh yeah "she's cute I guess." I will be objectified and ignored for other girls. I'd rather be objectified and loved. I don't mean to rant, but my god I wish I was that girl. That girl in the popular crowd, that all the guys want, that can go online and make money off of her looks, that has gorgeous photos and a hot boyfriend, that can get whatever she wants solely based on her appearance. But unfortunately I'm just the oddball looking girl that's just "pretty I guess" but not girlfriend material or friend to other women material either I suppose. Like the shit I could do with that kind of power. I dwell on this quite a bit, and I know I shouldn't compare myself but god it is nice to dream and cry. Like there is truly nothing like being the undesired woman that nobody ever thinks about.

I think im getting help :/

My best friend just tried to "commit not being here ". and it made me a bit upset with myself for not beein there, wich is weird cuz i am completely numb inside, and i haven't cried in the span of 8 years. but yeah, im a bit scared of being sent to a psych ward, because there i cant play video games on my pc anymore (wich is the only thing keeping me from doing as my best friend). so yeahlife is garbage

..

28 and still struggling financially. I feel like a failure.

I feel incredibly empty, and I want to know how to fix it, if I can.

July of 2021 was when I first started to feel incredibly depressed. I literally felt like doing nothing. I was so empty to the point that all I could do was just sit and stare off into space. Nowadays, the emptiness is even worse. I’m completely desensitized, because on 5/21/23, I attempted suicide. It felt like a piece of me had been ripped away. Now, i can’t feel ANYTHING. I can’t even express it. I can’t express it using the word emptiness. I can just say what i dont feel. I don’t feel happiness, I don’t feel sadness, I don’t feel anger, I don’t feel guilt, I don’t feel jealousy, I don’t feel (emotional) pain, etc. it feels like something is pressing in my head. A temptation, but i dont know what it is. I cant explain it. I cant explain anything. I just want to feel something, for once. I want this to stop.

Why is being happy so hard

Hello I’ve had depression and anxiety my whole life and I thought it would improve with age and therapy but here we are lol. Why is it so hard to be happy when I try so hard? Im so envious that others Can feel pure joy most of the time. I feel like I have to fight so hard to be happy. And even then I feel like part of me knows it’s transient so I get sad knowing the joy won’t stay.

takes me 2 to 3 hours to get out of bed now

It's nearly 1pm and I'm still here

A vida

Vó fazer 23 anos ,e ando desmotivado com a vida ,cidade pequena,sou adotado,as vezes não me sinto em lugar nenhum ,nem amor de verdade acho que tenho,será que vó ser feliz se comprar um carro caro? Ou a sociedade impõe isso? Sempre tive o desejo de me matar mas não tenho coragem ,e sempre fico no mesmo , é isso , um pouco de desabafo

I’m ashamed and embarrassed of who I am.

Posting on a side account. But I’m 30 almost 31f with autism and FAS. I don’t have any friends. I don’t drive. I can’t keep a job. I hate who I am. Absolutely hate myself. I cry almost every night because all I wanna be is “normal” and happy. I don’t think I can live like this anymore and it’s not like I have anything to live for anyways. I’m tired and alone.

I don’t know what to do, my loved ones are not even supporting me

I feel extremely sad today, almost depressed. As a student, today I received a heartbreaking news which is that I failed my first year of university. Everyone became very angry, disappointed and dissatisfied with me, which i do get it. I really don't know how to cope with this, in my whole 18 years i never experienced failure, not even one. Now that experienced one i really don't feel comfortable, it's so stressing and painful. i don't really have a job and people are distancing from me, my parents don't look at me the same the used to before, they told me to get out the house and live somewhere else , my sister is not even supporting while I'm at my lowest and I don't really have friends. I feel like crying every moment, it's even worse when you're asian and your father is old and works his ass off for the family. I really am a disappointment.

I don't know what's wrong with me anymore

I feel like there's something wrong with me. I don't find enjoyment in really anything anymore. I want to ride my bike, but I don't find enjoyment in it when I get out there. I play video games, but half the time I sit there and stare at it doing nothing, and the other half I get so pissed off I walk away. I don't feel like photographing concerts really ever anymore. I set up my guitar stuff to play, but I'm so bad at guitar, I just want to throw them all in the trash. I dunno, I'm feeling down about myself again. I have no friends, and I have no desire to do anything either, since everything I used to enjoy just brings me anger, frustration, and no joy. Honestly, I just want to give everything I own away and disappear out of existence at this point.

I feel like a failure

I just graduated high school however I feel like I’m not suited for the adult life. All of my friends have jobs and seem to be adjusting well, while I can barley talk to strangers or get out of the bed this morning. I thought I was feeling better, but in reality I was just distracted from my negative feelings. Now with the free-time I have I realized I’m at an all time low. It’s embarrassing, my family tells me how I should do something with my life. I hate myself for being a burden. For being a coward who can’t do simple human things. My family is aware of my depression. And I even told them I don’t feel well again n I’m having suicidal thoughts and they just tell me “well maybe it’s just a one time thing, not all negative emotions are sadness.” How am I supposed to open up when my own family doesn’t even think I have depression anymore just because I took meds for a few months. I want to disappear.

Barely taken my antidepressants recently. Will I be okay?

I'm 18. I've struggled with OCD and depression, and so I was put on fluvixamine, daily dose of 150mg. Been taking it for 1.5 years (highest dosage started 3 months ago?). For the past month or slightly longer, I've only taken about 4 or 5 doses. I was feeling so well that I just... Forgot about it. Genuinely. I'd remember once every week or so and that's it. I had no withdrawal symptoms, but I decided to take it again yesterday, deciding I need to be regular about this and take it everyday or I'll go back into a slump. I couldn't sleep properly and I feel a bit weird in my head. Nothing worrying though, I usually git that when I missed one dose (even though I've missed a lot now). I know I should call my psychiatrist but I'm too scared they'll get mad at me or something. Will I be fine? Can I just... Go back to taking it daily, or will that send me into a shock or cause something bad?

it takes everything in me

to not call you up every night

I dont think my hobbies are worth it

So over the last few months i have absolutely lost any and all motivation to do my hobbies. The main two that i have lost my love for are my video games and LARPing. I used to go LARP every weekend and do weekend long events but now i have a hard time getting up the motivation to go out there every couple of months. And i think that so much of it has stemmed from my absolutely abysmal personal relationship with my S.O. Idk what i need but it does help to be able to yell into the void.

I'm too depressed to socialize

I keep trying but I'm not ok. I'm depressed, and I can't be my best for people right now. nothing happened but I know my depressions don't work well with people.

Need someone to talk to?

Hi, I'm not sure how this works cuz I don't really use reddit but I stumbled upon it like many people when I googled a question and I noticed how many people on here are not doing so good. I've desperately needed a person to be there for me and truly care many times throughout life and never quite got it, so it did kind of hurt seeing how many people relate to that. I just wanted to say, I'm a pretty good listener, I don't say bullshit like "look on the bright side" or "after rain comes sunshine" or any other shit you say to someone when you don't really know what to say and want to come out of the situation, so if anyone, and I mean anyone, needs someone to genuinely let something off their chest to and maybe, I'll try my best, receive some actual helpful advice, I'll be here for you. I'll be here for you like I've known you my whole life and I'll try to be the one person in your life that hasn't let you down if that's what you need. I just want people to feel cared for the way I wish I did

Struggling in life

Hi, does anyone know of an online support group for depression? Also, I would like to connect with people online that I could be friends with and talk about where we are in life. I just don't want to go through this alone and thought it would help to make some friends online. I know from reading that PMs are not allowed on here so that's why I'm asking. I would try to make friends in person but I struggle with social anxiety as well and also meeting up with people takes more effort that I can handle right now.

Best friend died, now I'm lost and don't know what to do.

A little over a month ago I lost my best friend to a heart attack. The only person in the world that I could talk to about anything and now he's gone just like that. We had planned to get decent jobs, move in together, and chase our dreams. But as the years passed, life just kept getting harder and harder for both of us, but we had each others' backs and never let each other down. We both wanted better lifes than what we got, but with years of ever-increasing cost of living, setback after setback, and occasional periods of depressive stagnating. But this year, we started looking up. We got ourselves a few small wins and were ready for this to be OUR year. Then suddenly, he's gone and now I'm alone. My peace was taken from me, along with any hope of moving out of my parents place and having a life of my own. I've been grieving for the last month. Im not sure how long grieving is supposed to take, but I still feel like I'm stuck in a dissociative episode. I don't think I'll be ok for a long while, but for as long as I've been waiting to finally have control over my life, I feel like I don't have any patience left in me. I'm at my rock bottom with no hope. I need to make major changes to my life in order to feel stable again. Better job, a car, a girlfriend, maybe go back and finish college, etc. All things I hoped I would make happen this year. All things my best friend cheered me on for each time I tried and failed. Now I have nobody wishing me good luck in my endeavors. Nobody to talk to all night about anything. Nobody to assure me I'll be ok again.

Going to ask my mother to check me into the hospital (for mental health reasons obviously) What should I bring and not bring with me?

Yes, i'm aware i can just look it up but i wanna hear from people who have been in a similar situation. thnx

Depression every 3 hours

Every 3 hours i become severly depressed and than it subsides and i feel euphoric again. why is this and has anyone every experienced this?

I don't kill myself cause I'm afraid of going to hell

I don't really see good reasons (or any reason) to be alive. I have BPD, and honestly, it is even worse than depression to me. Maybe, only maybe, if I had only depression I woud have killed myself already, my the constant pain would finally be enough to break through this fear of what is coming next, but having BPD sometimes I feel happy, and it's like I never have been depressed at all. It's exhausting, I fell like I'm losing my mind, I feel like I'm ruining everything in my life because I just can't control me, and it kills me everyday, piece by piece, slowly and painfully, and I just don't know if I believe in getting better anymore.

I both love the darkness and hate it at the same time

The night has always been one of my favorite parts of the day, because it allows me quiet time to myself without the distractions that come from other people. I also tend to have more energy at night, for some reason. Until recently, this was the part of the day where my depression was the weakest, so I would look forward to this time. However, in the past month or so, I have been feeling feelings of absolute dread from the night. I have been feeling so paranoid and, to be honest, scared, around this time. My negative thoughts have started to spiral at this time, and last night, in fact, was spent laying down on the floor and just staring at the ceiling for an hour straight, while feeling an absolutely soul-crushing sensation in my body. Not even my evening walks help any more. I’ve been getting much more paranoid and skittish on them now, and for some reason my suicidal thoughts start to increase on these walks, to the point where I can’t even walk on a trail next to a river without thinking of jumping in. As a natural night owl, this sucks. Now only gray, rainy weather keeps me any comfort. Is anyone else like this?

When life doesn't give you a break, i can't keep going

Im 20 male, I've been a front row student through out my life, never gotten into fights, I've been bullied for 7 years straight, I've just pushed through it and got my highschool degree, at my graduation party i met a girl, she was my little sister's friend, she was smart, she watches anime and we got many things in common, i fell for her that day and she did too, my fam is kinda strick but hers is even more strict, we've never gone on a single date in the 2 years we've been together, i moved to turkey for school so we've been texting that's it, i really love her and even thi we never meet outside i know many things about her, tonight we met again but her fam was with us so we had to play it cool, I've never felt pain this bad in my life, it hurt more than the 7 years of bullying, im working my ass off, I've been doing so for months non stop, my only drive is to marry her asap to escape our families, just to clarify, i love my fam and she does too, i feel like i cant express emotions infront of them cuz that's how i was raised, i have so much respect for them so i always put there needs above mine, i can talk for her but i assume sins we live in the same state that her side of the story is similar, i want to just propose and marry her and leave my country abd live the rest of my life happy, I've never took a break no matter what live threw at me I've always been persistent, for 7 years I've been beaten on the floor daily, i try to hide the blue marks on my skin so my fam wont find out, my bike was stolen, i said that i have sold it, I've lost my friends twice, and still i have been going forward pushing past my limits, I've never done drugs nor alcohol, i started smoking cigarettes last year from all the stress and the built-up anxiety, this year I've lived alone for the first time, i got the worse drug addict roommates you could ever see, im lucky i ddnt get killed tbh, one of them stole 700 dollars from me and tried to break the bond between me and my fam but he failed, still took the 700 dollars tho, the second roommate got so drunk he went nuts and his mom had to travel to turkey to pick him up to get psychic treatment, now i live alone there, academically im good so far but i cant take this much longer, I've been pulling all nighters daily working on multiple projects, i try to keek a smile but the truth is i cry myself to sleep each night, i seriously think of kms on a daily basis , i have no idea if i can ruse up from a poor fam and get my finecial freedom before i end it, i dont want to suffer anymore, can someone tell me what should i do??

The universe doesn’t want me around anymore

I’ve really had time to think about this, but it’s just so obvious to me that the universe just does NOT want me in it anymore. My dad dies of cancer when I’m 16 which gave me ptsd and severe depression, my best friend and only person I truly trusted committed suicide last year, I’ve had to prevent my mom from taking her own life several times, all while she invalidates my feelings and experiences. I swing for both fucking teams and I have zero luck on either side. I literally suck at almost every single thing I do (I’ve played hockey all my life and dedicated so much time and effort into it yet I’ve never been good at it, joined the military and I get reprimanded quite often, I go to school but struggle to really learn and pay attention) Most of my “friends” and nearly everyone around me either makes fun of me for sleeping all the time or they just straight up tell me to kill myself. The first person I fell in love with and thought I truly had, told me that they just pretended to like me the whole time and then abandoned me after that, leaving me in the most severe depressive state I’ve ever experienced. Therapy doesn’t work, medications don’t work, exercise doesn’t work (thanks body dysmorphia). I genuinely can’t remember the last time I was happy, the last time I wasn’t fucking exhausted for no reason, the last time I actually woke up and was looking forward to the day, rather than dreading it and begging to go back to sleep. Fuck this shit, I’m out, lmao.

End is Near

Moving to a new state and will be alone in a place for the first time. It’s the perfect opportunity to do it. To end it all. I’m tired of life.

I’m scared of being in a relationship

I was in a abusive relationship for about 8 years and of course not everyday of the 8 years was bad I had beautiful and memorable moments too but I’ve been alone for about 4 months and I’m so comfortable with my solitude. I like being alone all the time . I mean yes I’m very sad and lonely but I rather that. It’s not a bad thing I like how I am now but I like this guy and I let myself feel some days and I shower him with lovely messages but other days I snap back to reality and I’m cold to him . I feel like the more I let him in the insecurities rush in . The stress of wanting to be with him . The fear of being in bad situations again . I think I’m paranoid but idk how to even begin to fix that. I’m not necessarily scared of being hit again or like being physically abused I’m scared of being made to look dumb . I don’t want to be proud of being with someone and turns out they were cheating the whole time. Or I don’t want to live my life with a person for so long to find out they found someone else . I don’t even know how to explain my fear but it’s so immense it stops me in my tracks . I feel overwhelmed when I think of being with someone . I want to be with this guy but I don’t want to like him . I want to not care that way if something happens I’ll be okay . It was so hard to get to this point in my life . I’ve been working towards being more in control of my emotions and I think doing that has made me not act on my emotions. I feel numb kind of . Like just grey .

I was trying to think about how to rebuild my life despite depression and

An epileptic seizure, loss of consciousness :) Not even your brain cells and electric signals want me to look for hope. My epilepsy is essenssialy genetic and wasn't severe enough to cause seizure. Until one day, the suffering caused my depression and university pressure caused my brain to basically melt leading to a rough 15 minutes absense.

Deleting close friends when pushing away as opposed to just ignoring

My best friend has been very depressed since May and hasn't messaged me since. Just a few days ago I noticed she removed me from her friends on the main app we communicate on. It really upset me as I was the only one she removed and I'm afraid she doesn't want to be friends anymore for some reason. Up until then I was just thinking the depression made her close up. I believe I was her closest friend so I can get that she is pushing me away but I'm just trying to understand if going to the point of removing me is still just part of that. She hasn't removed me on anything else so I'm confused about what is going on and trying to stay supportive.

I'm jealous of people with support at home

I have severe depression that I mask at work and with family. SI is daily and I started self harming 3 weeks ago and cannot stop. Work just got more stressful and since I'm good at what I do people are leaning on me for support while I'm struggling to cook for myself, get off the couch unless less it's a required work meeting and enjoy really anything. To get up sometimes I tell myself I can self harm even though I'm trying to stop. There was a major work announcement and people leaned on me, which used to make me feel good but as I was supportive and helping others I was just jealous that all these people get to go home and hug their families. I live alone and I really just wanted a hug. Most days I do. I'm so lonely. I try to reach out to people for support but they make it about themselves. Sometimes I just want to come home to someone not have to explain anything and just be hugged for as long as i need it. I am so tired of being strong for everyone else when i am dying inside. My therapist has brought up hospitalization which I don't want but I cannot tell if I need it.

How can I make my life more bearable while depressed?

M19. I’ve been trying to accept my lot in life. There isn’t a lot of depth to my question, I just want to know if anyone who has been through something similar has advice on how to make daily life more bearable. Thanks.