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R-Arfin

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Depression

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Happy(n't) ? How should I be feeling ?

I've been lonely for 2 years now, and took great enjoyment out of it. I have learnt so much from being alone, it became eye-opening: I changed virtually everything about myself: My style, I became more athletic, I got a great job which I enjoy throughly and so on. Most friends tell me I'm unrecognisable, even though they've seen me a couple of months prior. Despite everything, I still wanted a partner. I downloaded several dating apps, but could not really find who I was looking for. Used them for around 7-8 months. Recently I met someone who I can confidently say is my dream partner, or they're as close as it gets. I love everything about them. They make me very happy, and I look forward to meeting them every single day. So I should be feeling ecstatic right ? In all actuality, it feels super weird. We have officially started dating, which I haven't done in 2 years. All of a sudden, I feel almost overwhelmed. They're not pressurising me or anything; I'm sure it's something to do inside my mind. How would you guys feel if you were me ? Because I feel extremely guilty because I see their smile and admiration for everyday and I feel I'm concealing something from them. Any thoughts / advice ?

Felt like shit..went to visit family and feeling worse

I woke up feeling badly since yesterday. Like a depressive episode hitting me. I went to travel to see my mom and brother for an almost 4 hours journey. It was okay except they left me waiting for 30 minutes at the station. Later on my mother commented how much weight I gained how I need to lose weight. I travelled all the way to spend time nd feel better I feel worse. I also am going through a breakup.. I just wanna cry

The seesaw

Knowing you still want someone despite what happened after you and when you are back on good terms as friends is such a pain in the heart. The chance of rejection always lurking if I made my feelings known is not fun at all. At least I wish I had space and moved on instead of agreeing to help them in their tough times and being there to listen and be a shoulder to lean on, am I being too much of a white knight?? Yearning for a relationship when you are not in a position to be in one and ignoring that fact and trying anyway will always lead to the same results Is cutting ties the only option? Or could there be another way?

I'm fed up of being alone.

Hi, just as the title says. I'm 25F and i have no friends. I haven't had any for a a couple years now, and even when i did have some they barely spoke to them, unless on nights out getting drunk. i would text and they'd take days to respond, or sometimes just read my text and ignore it. I realised they didn't treat me well and cut them off about a year ago. (i have another post about 3 people i was friends with that ended, it goes into more detail) I live with my mum, and that's a whole other story in itself about how she treats me but i desperately want to move out. I try to talk to my younger sister, (who moved out years ago) but she is very different from me (and that's okay). She keeps to herself, talks to my mum and i, only when she wants to. I barely see her once a month, she does work alot which i understand, but even a text every now and then would make me feel less alone. i do text her but i can always tell she doesn't want to talk. I feel like a chore when it comes to my sister. It's obviously not down to her to check in on me and make sure I'm okay, so i stopped going to her to try and chat and about issues with our mother a while ago. i can go into further detail about my mother and everything but it would be a very long post. I have no one other than those two people in my life and i just feel so alone and numb each day because i have no one to talk to about anything. About my mother, struggles to find a job etc. I just want one friend, i feel like it would make everything so much easier if i could just have someone who is not a family member to chat to, meet up with. and i've tried online friend apps but nothing comes from that. Most days i feel i'd be better off not alive as i feel so alone and that i'm just taking up space in the world when what is the point? i'm useless, have no friends, no life, nothing. If anyone actually reads this, and cares, do not worry (if you do??) i will not off myself. That is too scary for me to do. i just think about it a lot. Sorry for the moan, but as you know, i have no one else :( EDIT: i have 3 comments to this which i am thankful for, but unfortunately, i cannot see/read them. So i have no clue what they say. Thanks for commenting anyway x

Unrequited and Impossible Love

So I met this person, we’ll call him GD, through my ex. Him and my ex were and still are best friends. I met him early in in my relationship with my ex, so I’ve known him and have gotten to know him over the course of two years. Obviously, being in a relationship with my ex, I just let my feelings for GD lay dormant, and chalked them up to just having a crush. Getting to know GD I’ve gotten to know we have shared interests, and I think he’s super funny and sweet. He’s so energetic and personable. He is so intelligent and well spoken, and he can also be a little shit head sometimes which I find endearing. I know he doesn’t share these feelings, but every time I’d see him I couldn’t help but be enthralled by his personality. When I broke up with my ex, it was GD that I went to to return my ex’s things, because my ex and I are not on speaking terms. When I saw him is was communicated that he thought it would be inappropriate for us to continue being friends, for the obvious reason of his and my ex’s close friendship, and I agreed. That was two months ago, and I haven’t spoken to GD at all. GD and my best friend, we’ll call her MD, are also friends. MD has been going through a lot lately, including breaking up with her long term boyfriend. I knew that GD had been supportive of her and offered advice where he could, and she appreciated that. I appreciated it too because it was good to see her have male support. During the span of a portion of my relationship, and up until now, GD was also in a relationship. A relationship that everyone thought would last a long time. Yesterday GD dm’d me on Instagram just to send a meme and reply to my note (on IG you can now add notes in the DM tab). It was just him being his annoying self. I told him that I thought I would’ve been safe from his (goofy) harassment. He responded by saying that no one is safe, except for MD, because she was going through a lot. I told him I knew she appreciated his friendship and that I thought it would be nice if he hung out with her more. He said he’d message her, which he did as I was with her when he contacted her to hang out. This morning he texted me to let me know that he’d asked her to hang out, and I told him that was sweet and that she would be happy. He mentioned that the reason he had never hung out with her one on one was because of her ex, and his ex. I hadn’t known he broke up with his ex, but after he mentioned that I knew what he was implying. I asked him not to hit on MD, as it would be uncomfortable for her and myself, and that she really like his *friendship*. He said he’d be subtle and see where things went. I agreed because I didn’t want to make it an issue. But now I’m left here watching someone that I’ve grown feelings for over the span of two years, who I could never have been with because of his relationship to my ex, now go after my best friend. And it really hurts. I can’t tell her, because he asked me not to “snitch”, and I know he really wants to be romantic and “woo” her, and it’s not really my place anyways. I just had to get that out there because it’s really weighing on me and there’s nothing I can do other than watch my best friend receive the love of a person I would do anything to be with.

i feel so guilty about having a nicotine addiction

i (18F) have been consuming nicotine since a random manic episode from when i was 15. ever since then, i’ve been consuming it from cloves to vapes to regular cigarettes and i haven’t been able to stop. there was also a time when i used it as a substitute for my meds whenever my anxiety was at its peak (which made the addiction worse). the guilt comes in whenever i think abt my parents. i come from a pretty well off family and they’ve given me everything i’ve asked for, yet on top of being diagnosed with multiple mental health issues, now i’m dealing with a severe addiction i’ve brought on to myself. i feel disgusting. they’re doing what they can and they’re rewarded with a daughter like this. a huge part of me is terrified of getting caught bc of the consequences, yet another part just wants them to find out what i’ve been doing to myself so that i’d finally get the motivation to quit. just thinking of their disappointment makes me want to cry and wallow away in shame and extreme crippling guilt.

I haven’t spoken to my boyfriend for over 24 hours.

*For more context please read my previous post* It’s been 24 hours since my boyfriend told me he needed lots of space. He left me on read after I asked if space would help and at the moment I’m just falling apart. Because I suffer with lots of anxiety and intrusive thoughts as well autism, I’m thinking the worst case scenario and I feel physically ill by them. I haven’t eat since which I know is extremely bad for me but I can’t. I’m struggling with sleep and woke up 3 times cause of bad dreams. I’m struggling to cope. I’m fighting the urge to message him as I respect he wants space but what goes through my head is he going to ghost me after two and a half years of relationship.

I’m the heaviest I’ve been in years and I’m in denial.

I’ve never felt so out of control. I recently turned 25 (F) and I imagined myself to be completely different. I’ve always struggled with eating, weight, etc. I always told myself I’d be in my prime at 25… well here I am, almost 85 Kg/187 pounds and I’m 5’9… I know this isn’t a lot on the grand scheme of things, but it’s the heaviest I’ve ever been. I feel disgusting. When I see my sausage arms in the mirror I want to puke. When I see how my thighs jiggle with excess fat and my back roles make me want to crawl in a hole and die. I was raised in an unstable home. My dad was extremely violent, aggressive and an alcoholic. Whenever he was home him and my mom would fight and he’d bear her up, and my mom would beat me up as she had the power to make me her punching bag. This is a simplified version of my life before moving out. I didn’t grow up poor at all, in fact my family are upper middle class which makes me feel even more guilty and puts pressure on me to get my shit together. But the money somehow didn’t ease the emotional pain the tiniest bit. Everyday I grow more depressed but I try to be in denial of it and have a happy mask on. It’s not working. There are so many things in my life that are going wrong right now that I am not in control of. The pressure of it all is just so intense. I wish I could sleep for a few weeks and not face things. I’ve never been able to maintain stability, ever.

I hate my body it and I know it will be the end of me

Please bear this fact in mind; otherwise, I fear that if we ever cross paths and you have the misfortune of laying your eyes upon me, you will be utterly repulsed and horrified at the sight of my overall physical appearance. I’m a F(16), 110 lbs, and 5’1. I have always loathed my physique; everything about it can be labeled "disgusting" or "revolting". I am extremely exhausted from this repeated cycle before I give myself the opportunity to slip into unconsciousness. I try to pray to all the gods, deities, apparitions, or any divine entity that will listen to my pathetic, desperate prayers. I would beg them to make me thin by any means necessary, from waking up without anybody fat to someone transmitting me a deadly disease that makes me rapidly melt off all body fat. I would do anything they asked, but in return, they would bless me with my ideal body. Of course, I wake up disappointed because I know my wish wasn’t granted. I dreaded waking up every morning because I knew I would be greeted by my own repulsive reflection. A mere glance at myself had the ability to plummet my mental health drastically. The situation escalated to the point where I ended up resorting to hanging a towel over my reflective glass in hopes of sparing myself a glimpse of my grotesque, disfigured, unsymmetrical face. The rest of my day is exceedingly depressing; I was unblessed with any particular talents, and being the lugubrious individual that I am, I had no trade to turn to except obsessing over myself, wishing I was anyone other than myself. Don’t get me wrong, I didn’t sit in my own puddle of despondency; I actually put massive amounts of effort into making my wish come true. For years, I starved, sweated, and subjected my gross body to crash diet after crash diet. Still, nothing pleased me or brought me the satisfaction I desperately craved, so I gave up. Now when I try to melt off the excess body fat my frame holds, I’m unable to release any of it. I’m so exhausted by this indescribable torture I call my life. Not only did I attempt to alter my physical appearance, but I modified my personality as well. To cope with my outlandish desire to be another person, I pretended to be someone who is exceedingly confident and unabashedly themselves. I received nothing but positive attention, which further enhanced my belief that if I showed my true self, they would despise me. This caused me to be ashamed of who I really am. I started having countless breakdowns ever since I created that whole other persona just to interact with others. I knew my true self would never be enough. I adapted by mirroring people's emotions and reactions, which took a huge toll on me. I was a wonderful actor—a con artist even—but I was starting to crack. I refuse to go on like this. Every day is an exact replica of the day prior, with boundless sorrow and nonexistent happiness. I view my life as utterly insignificant, and I am fully aware I’m never going to amount to anything. I’ve toyed with the compelling thought of suicide for quite a while, but I don’t see myself succeeding with it at the moment due to how messy ending your life can be and other factors. However, I’m unable to stop myself from fantasizing about the scenario of my birth being avoided, along with other self-destructive fantasies. My main one is envisioning myself exiting the universe; to put it in simpler terms, I want to just disappear. No sadness, violence, agony, or death Just sleeping and never waking up. I have planned my death an unlimited number of times with endless strategies, and the only thing that stops me is my body image. I reject the idea of something finding my fat body; I don’t want anyone to have the issue of feasting their eyes on my lumps of fat. The way I view myself has gotten in the way of my life. I reject outings and dates with my boyfriend since I know I will ruin everyone’s day based on my physical presence. I know I’m ugly beyond description, and this single thought Is the root cause of bingeing on huge quantities of food. I would shove numerous dead animals, sweets that could give anyone diabetes in a single bite, objects plucked from the dirt, and ones ripped off from a variety of plants into my poisonous, lying mouth. During these episodes, I didn’t even taste the food; I mean, who cared what I ate in that moment? I just didn’t want to feel the pain anymore; I didn’t want to feel anything at all. The next day, I would simply deprive myself of the basic necessities to account for my binge. I honestly can’t do this anymore. There’s no point in restricting if I’m just going to be a lump of fat forced. I know where my life is headed, I know I won’t live to see the number 18 on my birthday cake. I know my problems will vanish when I’m skinny and I’ll finally experience what true happiness feels like. I wish someone could just take me out of my misery. TL;DR-I hold so much hatred towards my body that it is genuinely ruining my life.

I don't understand why I feel like I do

I'm quite lucky, I have a lovely family (2kids). I've changed jobs from 1 I hated to 1 I wanted & I haven't had a drink in nearly a year, I go to the gym frequently & I've lost weight. But I feel so empty a lot of the time & there's days I could just cry, there's days I feel so desperately sad & I have zero motivation to do anything, I'm not really bothered if I wake up in a morning but I'd never do anything to make that happen. I just don't understand where this has come from or why.

Engagement

Is it wrong of me to be able to purchase my engagement ring? My fiancé wants me to be able have one of my choosing. Is there anything wrong with that??

I'm not good at my job and I'm too defeated to do anything about it.

I got this job right out of university, even before I got the degree in my hand. So, I'm very grateful to have this job. But it's almost a year now and I'm not getting any better at it. I've tried my hardest to cope up with the work load but demanding customers, colleagues resigning and going to maternity leave has added more work than I can handle. I thought by this point I should be good at juggling my work. But, I feel like I'm exactly the same way as I started. No growth or progress. I tried my best as long as I could until recently I just gave up. I've just decided to barely get by with my work. I'll do whatever is needed and nothing more. I've come to the conclusion that putting effort to do my job better is futile. I've got by this long didn't I. But, this thought itself is crushing me. I should feel lucky and grateful to have a job and get a salary. The mere fact that I'm getting paid should drive me to do my job better, right? And yet, somehow it doesn't. I don't know if it's laziness or if I'm just burnt out. Sometimes, I wish they'd find out how bad I am at my job and get rid of me.

Mom screamed at me this morning for doing my laundry wrong

This is nothing new but just need to vent. I am 26 and moved back in and am still living with my mom while I finish college at a local university. I work part time and pay 500 a month to stay there. And use my food stamps for most of our groceries. But still really embarrassed and ashamed about my situation and failure to thrive hence the long preface. Anyway, i woke up today to my mom screaming at me because she found a dress in the wash with my other clothes and also some bra tops that were more delicate. I hadn't separated out my nice and not nice/"hardy" clothes and she was just furious. I do understand that it's not good for my clothes to wash this way but I was exhausted after a long day and made the choice to ski separating stuff. They were all dark colors too. Anyway she said I clearly hated myself or was doing this to hurt her. She told me I was behaving like a child and it was completely unnaceptablw and I'll never make it in college etc. She was just so angry and cursing. She was also angry because I spent my money on the dress and bras and started demanding where they were from and googling them all to find the prices and kept saying I was a liar and "why do you lie to me?" Which was true I had lied about how much something was but I lie because she gets so mad. And I was of course using my own money. It wasn't anywhere near her worst anger but I just wanted to vent because it mI can't remember all of what she said i just kept apologizing and saying she was right and id do better and I started crying like always. She just went on about how I'm destructive and "destroy everything good in my life" and that the laundry thing shows how I must "hate myself for some reason even though I was born in America with two parents and went to the best schools, etc." This is why I get so stressed and scared about everything when I'm with her.

I always see people posting they are sad about being rejected and I just had to share this

TW:s**cide Post takes a weird turn so please don’t read if it will trigger you I’m 21F, in university, and for some odd reason I get asked out constantly, by friends, random guys at school or just out in public etc. I got asked out 3 times this week, and I’ve rejected every single one, I’ve never rejected anyone because of anything they did or their looks etc. It’s actually a situation nobody would ever guess aka I’m planning to commit s**cide in a few months, obviously that’s not the case for most reasons of being rejected but I’m sure it’s the last thing they consider when wondering why they got rejected… I know that took a crazy turn but it always just makes me wonder when I see posts about it, you literally could have gotten rejected for the craziest reason you can’t imagine (Also I don’t want a lecture or any sympathy I have thought it through completely there is like a million reasons and I’m even hoping to be eligible for MAID, lol it just was something I really needed to post about, because I see it constantly)

not everyone who parks badly is at fault

I keep seeing all these posts about people who purposly park like a dick because someone else is parked over the line, while on one hand if someone is parked agressivly over like 4 spots and obviously made no attempt to park within the lines thats one thing but its not what im annoyed about. All these posts of people parked slightly over the line, or maybe even a full tire over the line, yes its annoying but i feel like people don't understand sometimes people get forced to park like that because of someone else's poor parking job (which in turn could be caused by someone elses poor parking. And so on) not saying that every one is perfect and parks perfectly but people seemingly take pride in making it harder for other people by parking obnoxiously close when they clearly have the ability to park in another spot. By parking in another spot you stop the chain reaction of asshole parking in that line, you make it easier for you, and the other person. what if that person has small kids, and now you have made it harder for them to get in the car cause you wanted to cool and park close to spite someone...grow up. Stop assuming everyone parked poorly is doing it on purpose and move on with your life

Constant overthinking interfering with my life.

I’m just so frustrated with myself. A thought will pop into my head about a certain thing and I will think about it and think about it and think about it until that thing is ruined for me. It doesn’t help that the stuff I tend to dwell on is usually so mundane that I tell myself I’m stupid for even dwelling on it in the first place. I know self diagnosis isn’t always great but I do think this stems from OCD. The only way I can dismiss these thoughts “officially” in my brain is by counting up in threes, usually to nine. It doesn’t always work, sometimes the thoughts will come back way too quickly. I can’t even enjoy TV shows anymore without somehow finding a thing to overthink about them, ruining it for me. I can’t do anything without feeling like my brain is totally against me. The thoughts will just keep springing up again and again and they make me miserable, leading to even more thoughts along the lines of “Why can’t I just be normal?” or “Why can’t I just enjoy things?” I guess I’m just venting. I’m tired of my misery and wanted to share. It’s so exhausting to have to entertain the same thoughts over and over and over, especially when they make me feel bad about myself. I don’t think I even really explained things right in this post. Advice is welcome, especially if you’ve experienced this before.

My neighbor is always cussing at his dog.

The dog doesn’t seem to be abused or afraid but I hate hearing him yell at the poor thing. The way our houses are situated I can’t help but hear him. The guy is a little scary-nice one minute and mean the next.

My boyfriend of 10 months broke up with me. For the 10th time in 2 months.

Yes. I’ve been broken up with over and over again for little things and it honestly is making me question if truly in the wrong or something. Context: I have depression, anger issues, and ocd. I have told him many times that my issues are really really hard and I’m working on them in therapy. It is about 20 years of trauma. I have constantly told him that I’m not gonna be perfect but I don’t think that works for him. Our fights are all minor but they turn into crazy fights. Where he’s yelling at me telling me I never change, he doesn’t like me, and never wanted to be with me and I’m forcing him to stay. I’ve been begging him for a chance. Not a chance as in I fucked up or made a mistake. A chance for him to change his mindset and look at how I’m feeling or how it’s bothering me. It never seems to work. Constantly screams at me and tells me I’m the reason for all our problems. And I am constantly fighting with him on it and trying to get him to understand it’s not just me. I know I’m at fault for a lot of things. My anger reaches points out of my control. I lose it and I begin to self-district or throw things but it’s almost a reaction to how cold or how mean he is to me. And at first I thought it was my fault that I was acting certain ways but now I don’t know. He calls me crazy, he looks at me like I’m nothing to him and then gets mad at me for not trusting him. When he constantly leaves me over and over again. This time. He said it was for good and that nothing I had to say meant anything and to save my time. I had everything written out that I wanted to talk to him about that my therapist told me to explain how I felt…. I said it anyways. And he just said “I’m hanging up now” and left me again. I just wish someone would choose me even when it’s tough and even when it’s toxic because not once did I tell him I didn’t love him or didn’t want to be with him. I just wanted the same in return.

I was diagnosed with Autism 8 months ago

I am a 31 year old woman, I have a Bachelor’s degree in Human Services and I was thinking of becoming a therapist so I studied disorders of the brain through both the human services department and the psychology department of my alma mater. Whenever we would discuss the autism spectrum it would always bother me because it sounded so much like me but also not. I didn’t want to talk to anybody about it because I didn’t show enough characteristics to others and felt they wouldn’t believe me. Well, a few years ago I was on TikTok and I came across this girl that was talking about how most girls don’t get diagnosed with autism until later when they reach adulthood because we can learn how to mask it. After I looked it up online over a few months I finally accepted that it was possible that I’m autistic and so I finally told my mom. And she said that if I wanted to get tested for it than I should, so I started looking for someone to give me an assessment and let me tell you. It took me about 9 or 10 months to find someone that could assess me, because 1, I was over 18. 2, Covid still had a building shut down from the public to understandably protect the residents that lived there. Before my assessment I told my aunt about how I thought I could be autistic and her face scrunched up and she just said loudly “you’re not autistic.” My face just went blank and I told her about all the information I found about autism in girls that learn how to hide it and after that she just quietly said “maybe.” She was the first one I told after my diagnosis. I told a few people at work, my family and my friends. I don’t know if I want to tell more people. I work in a retail pharmacy so I told the pharmacists I work for, but I didn’t tell store management and I don’t know if I should. My pharmacy manager has already asked if there are any other accommodations I would need and all I’ve asked for is just a little more help every now and then. Ever since my diagnosis I’ve noticed that I’ve started to mask less, especially when I’m at home and that makes my mom happy, she doesn’t want me to feel like I need to mask when I’m around her. But I feel like some people think I’m lying about it, or think I’m making it up. I spent 30 years pretending to be a neuro-typical person, so I think I got pretty good at it, but I am anything but neuro-typical, I also have ADHD and nobody has ever second guessed me on that one. Though when I was younger I did go through a period of a few years where I did not talk unless I absolutely had to, and I remember making eye contact with my mom for the first time when I was 19, she was yelling at me for something and I made eye contact with her and she was doing that thing where her eyes were moving to look at both of my eyes, but I didn’t know that was a thing so I didn’t know why she was doing it so I started laughing, which made her even more mad and she sent me to my room, lol. So TL;DR, I’m autistic and I think I hid it so well for 30 years that people don’t believe me.

Confused on how i feel

Last week i went on a 3-day trip with a guy friend i met a few weeks ago. Yesterday i met up with him again and during conversation he blurted out "is that why you didnt have sex with me when we stayed at the hotel during that trip?" I feel so disgusted. I'm not sure why, and it's frustrating me why I feel so repulsed. Was that your intention/expectation when we booked a hotel room? Is sex all you guys think about? I feel used. I'm also mentioning at the hotel on night 1, we got 2 seperate beds and he kept asking to cuddle/go to my bed and i constantly said no. On night 2 we got 1 double bed - he kept coming onto my side and asked to cuddle. I of course said no again, it makes me feel uncomfortable and if you keep asking i will leave. It's frustrating. He kept asking despite me setting boundaries. Pushing to overstep, even when I was uncomfortable answering and kept refusing to answer. Do I want to continue being in a connection with him? I want to be in a serious relationship. But I don't see it happening between us, there are some things he does that totally turns me off. Plus it's hard to have a conversation with him when he's not listening sometimes. I try to make conversation but sometimes not paying attention. Maybe he does this out of awareness as he mentioned he does have ADHD. But frustrating when trying to talk with him. Also our values/what we want in life don't align. Sure I can talk to him about my concerns, but that's only if I want to stay connected with him, hence attempt to repair the connection. But at the same time he wants to be in a relationship. So if I want to continue being friends with him, 1) it's unlikely he's going to accept the rejection and stay as friends as he's thinking of dating me, so if i stay w him then 2) he will continue to act in the hopes of me saying yes (as he continues to flirt and asks to be in a casual relationship instead of friends) To repair or rupture? He wants more I don't see it escalating Pretty sure i'm overthinking this and i should delve into why i feel disgusted but i'm confused so. Am i disgusted at him or myself? I don't know. What is happening?

My life is not perfect but it’s the life I’ve wanted all along. Yet I’m still unhappy.

It’s crazy. I can’t seem to focus on the good things about my life, and focus only on the things I don’t have. 10 years ago if I were to tell my 15 year old self where I am right now, I would’ve never believed it. But now that I’m here, all I can seem to think about are what else I don’t have. What a depressing thought to be in this kind of headspace. I would love to enjoy, to live in the now and savour what I have.. but it seems too difficult to do at times. How do I do something like that? How do I start.. where do I begin?

i hate my family (pretty long 😢)

literally the title. i hate all of them. so a little context, my family has 4 people including me, im the oldest sibling and I have a younger brother who is almost a decade younger than me, we are ig middle class family but both me and my brother go to an international, private school in which by the time my brother entered the school, i managed to get a scholarship. but never in my life did i ever feel i was part of the family and i dont think there was even a time i could ever call my family home i could never express anything or tell anything why people my parents are like that. my mom is fucking over protective as fuck and my dad doesnt really care in a way, he just gives us money. my brother is fucking annoying as shit and is like my mom mainly. since my brother was born, my parents were less on my back which ig im thankful for but in a way when i needed them the most they didnt realise and come to be when i needed them the less. never in my fucking life have i ever asked for anything big, i only asked to go to a univeristy of my choice (abroad), why? bc im studying a subject that i FUCKING HATE and see NO FUCKING future in bc I FUCKING SUCK AT IT so atleast i hoped to have a better life but yk what they shut me down. actually we gotta give them credits, they said yes to studying abroad as long as i get a intergrated degree (basically bachelors and master done tgt) so I worked my ASS off in college apps to get into the top unis in my subjects which i did and yk what they fucking put me in a local uni. sure the uni im in is one of the top but no where top in what im studying. the false hope that lead me to think ig live a life according to my rules with people i enjoy being with, just to see EVERY FUCKING ELSE DO IT INSTEAD OF ME, even people who scored lower than me to go. but yk what worse, i got scholarship in a Canadian univeristy but yk why i didnt go? bc my dad didnt wanna pay the deposit fee, even tho id go to skl for free. FUCKING STUPID. now i feel like a fucking slave they tell me to do everything for them, even as a kid every fucking time. and yk what because of them, im a fucking loner in univeristy, im obese and have ZERO SOCIAL LIFE. I would have never expected that my life would turn out like this. sure ig fincially my parents couldnt support it, i get it i know studying abroad costs a SHIT ton of money, but what about the amount of school fee i worked my ass off to get a scholarship for 4 years where did that money go??? but yk according to my parents i cant say i "worked my ass off" wanna know why? because my fucking mother takes all the fucking credits (i was on a sport scholarship) so i really enjoyed sports alot, it just made me so happy turning up to training and matched but yk one year after my scholarship, i dreaded it so fucking much i still do. to think sports was literally life to me which now became NOTHING bc of my mom and her wanting fucking credits i was the one who tried so fucking hard to keep the scholarship for 4 years, when i struggled and every two months considered to withdraw from scholarship it fucking insane. now im a pathetic, obese, struggling academically, loner who lives for them. i just wanted a life. i hate it i want to restart and start a new identity i hate them so much i hate life so much i hate waking up every fucking day bc i wished i died the night before. i really hate time for real. I hate living and staying with them. they say they will support me in masters fincianally but ik its just fucking lies i dont care i just wanna run away. I used to have friends that make me happy and forget how miserable my home is but yk thanks to my parents who fucking ruin these relationships as a way to "implement" discipline i barely know them. and they are the good ones they still try to reach out to me but them know how fucking stupid my mother is. there is no way they can financially support me, why because just today i told them i gotta come back home because I have some business to attend to at my uni and i just need to fly in 3 days earlier than needed and also for health reasons i need to fly in earlier (right now, im in the country where my parents grew up) but yk what they said, "oh we will see yk we need to pay the flight difference if we fly earlier" FUCK YOU honestly i save u so much money u cant spend a FEW HUNDRED DOLLARS BECAUSE UR CHILD NEEDS TO BE BACK IN THE COUNTRY FOR HEALTH REASONS AND FOR UNIVERSITY, you guys said okay a few days ago and yall fucking lying again FUCK YOU BOTH i feel like we are fucking POOR as FUCK and im telling you we aint bc im on scholarship for univeristy as well so THEY AINT PAYING SHIT and my brother tution is reasonable right now they are so fucking poor, id rather pay them back to get my ass back home fuck them forreal they are fucking delusional as fuck. sure yall might say my parents love me but dont understand, they simply dont TRY to understand, i will have a huge meltdown like every 6 months and after that night they remain unchanged so fuck them for real i dont care id rather have tehn disown me and pay them 10 million for taking care of me and give my life than to be with them they can raise my fucking brother instead people he is like a fucking puppy to them i want him more anyways, they just say they want me people im older and i can fucking do things for them unlike my brother. honestly fuck my family i hate them, they have really ruined my fucking life. so sorry that this is so long, but its honestly my first time ever telling this to anyone and i just yk wanted to rant it off TT

Just sent an e-mail to a nearby clinic

The clinic offers gender affirming hormone therapy. I asked them what I'd need to bring to a first appointment and what we can take care of there before starting the actual therapy. I don't know. I'm not someone who can do things on their own. I need someone taking my hand and telling me what to do, so this was really exhausting for me and I'm still low on energy from my exams last week. But I did it. Maybe I can start HRT soon. Yeah, that's it. Needed to get it off my chest. My dysphoria is killing me.

going to have s*x with a coworker

a co-worker and I developed feelings with each other and ready na kaming gawin siya next week sa off namin. ayoko kasi siya gawin sa loob ng workplace. is sogo a good place? huhu gold kasi ako kaya I don't like cheap motels. baka may reccommendation kayo HAHAHA

Something must be wrong with me

I am a 25 year old man and I have very limited relationship experience. One short relationship and a virgin. A lot of my friends say I am a good guy, fun to be around, kind, sensitive and a good listener. They also say I am not bad looking even though I am bald, can't grow a good beard and have a young looking face, so I think the just don't want to hurt my feelings. My only saving grace is that I have a decent, well respected job. I don't know what's wrong with me. Either I am too ugly to date or my personality is good for being a friend but not good for a partner. Either way I am scared I will remain alone forever or some woman will settle for me without finding me attractive. I want to have a relationship and feel excited for another person that likes me back. But this is less likely with each day that passes and causes my sadness and stress. I wish I was desirable.

My old, arthritic dog can barely walk, but she's alert and in good spirits

Anyway, she gets out for a pee once a day, she loves her food. She cries for company now if we're within sight but not right there. She's 13½, which is old for a 100 lb dog. I love her to pieces. My wife is trying to convince me to have her put down, but I just can't do it. And somebody give me some insight? My heart is breaking right now

I can't get over the abuse I suffered at 12yo

Sorry for any mistakes, english isn't my first language. I (22F) was a very insecure and lonely kid, and through my time in middle school I was looking for attention in the wrong places. When I was 12 I caught the attention of a 65 years old man, who sent me explicit photos and overall tried to groom me, and later I was victim of revenge p\*rn from a classmate, with an intimate photo of me being shared around my school. My parents only knew about the second event, and at the time I got punished and received no help. It had consequences through my adolescence, such as abusive relationships, slut shaming and depression. I am now older and in a good place, yet sometimes I still feel ashamed, even though I was a child who no one talked about the dangers of the internet. Sometimes I even feel like I shouldn't feel sorry for myself because someone had it worse, or that I should have known better than that. Is it normal to cry about it ten years later?

The more I learn about US and Canada, the more I hate these countries.

These countries were built on genocide and slavery. What else can I say?

I want them our of my house

I (22) live with my mother (M) and my younger sister (S), my dad(D) is not out of the picture, he just works at a different city. We live in a house with enough space for everyone, we all have our own rooms, mom's got the biggest as she shares it with dad when he comes on the weekends. Since two months ago, my maternal grandma (MG) has been staying with us and she shares room with M on week days until D comes on weekends. Then, MG moves to sister's room and sleeps on an inflatable mattress, during these months I've told her several times she can use my room if she gets tired of the inflatable mattress, but she refuses every time. For around a month now, my sister's boyfriend (SBF) has been staying with us as well as he's been on vacation (he lives in the city S and M used to live before moving out). At the same time, D got vacations and has been full time at home for 3 weeks now. (SBF's stayed here longer than D but before D arrived there were other relatives staying as well so house's been full for a while now). So for only a week, M&D were on their room, I was on mine and S, SBF and MG were sharing sister's room. This was because I work online and I get up very early in the morning to get ready and my desk is on my room so I basically spend the whole day at my room. The problem started when my Paternal Grandmother (PG) came from visit two weeks ago. D didn't want her to sleep on an inflatable mattress because she's very grumpy and we didn't want any problems with her, so my parents gave PG and MG their room, and they moved to my sister's room to sleep in the inflatable mattress as it is big enough for two. They told me SBF would have to sleep in an individual inflatable mattress in my room as they didnt fit in one room. At first I had no problems, as he knows I work on my room so he knew he had to get up and take out his mattress so my chair could fit in my room (I got it out so the mattress could fit). The problem is that now he became an inconvenience as having here feels like a burden. When I wake up I have to walk around him as the mattress barely leaves space to walk. I have to wake him up everyday, and take out the mattress before starting to work and getting the mattress back in every day. And as I said, at first I didn't have a problem but now it has become tiring as he doesn't seem to be interested in helping me at least with an alarm so I don't have to wake him up everyday, he's not a child. I basically get his bed ready and wake him up everyday as if he was my guest or something. Maybe this isn't the worst thing in the world, but it really has gotten tiring and I want my space back.

I hate my voice so much

I always avoided using voicechat in games because i was insecure about my voice. And when i finally gathered the confidence to use my voice, all that confidence was quickly crushed when someone told me i sounded like a 12 year old. Take note that I'm an adult I asked people close to me if my voice really sounded like that of a child and they all tried to say it in the nicest way possible that it was true. I can't blame them for that, i asked them to be honest and i got what i asked for. I even tried to listen to it myself in recordings and nope they weren't lying. I was already insecure about my height but now that i actually know what i sound like tops it all off.

Spending hundreds on textbooks for a course I am not enrolled in

So far, I spent nearly $300 on various neuroscience textbooks. I also have been studying them. I plan on spending up to $700 more on textbooks about neuroscience, neurology, & consciousness. (Maybe $100+ on Kindle ebooks) I have no plans of enrolling in a college course. I have no plans for a career change. At most, I might do a Cousera program or something else that is cheap. I currently work in facilities maintenance. I fix things around the building. I do maintenance on HVAC systems, plumbing, lighting, electrical, doors, drywall, painting, etc. Neuroscience has zero application to my current career, that I can see. During breaks... While co-workers from other departments are obsessed with sports, super hero movies, TV shows, celebrity gossip, work gossip, & politics. I am on my Kindle app reading about artificial intelligence, mental perception, memory, biological intelligence, and conscious states. I do not know or understand this obsession. I hid my spending from my significant other. I buy through Amazon and had them shipped to a shipping store. I prefer a new physical copy, less preferred are ebooks and used books. I hide these books under my bed and in a sock drawer so she won't see them.

Best friend of 5 years ghosted me...

My (F25) best friend (M29) of 6 years ghosted me out of nowhere. I am so confused, truly. Backstory: we met when I was an intern in Orlando, FL where he lived. We ran in the same crowd and he dated- still is dating a friend that I have since fallen out of touch with. Once they started dating we became very close. He would talk to me about his issues with her and I would vent about shitty guys. It was very wholesome and never did it cross a line. Once my internship ended we still maintained contact daily. I went to visit him for my 21st birthday (he is sober) he made sure that I got around safely and home to my hotel (my parents were staying there too, but did not go out drinking). This freindship continued to grow as we did, through college, to getting our first real jobs, to now.... In April my boyfriend of 4 years propsed in the smoky mountains (YAY!) One of the first people I told was my best friend- naturally. I was ignored for days on text and socials until I realized he blocked me on everything. I have not been able to get ahold of him. At this point I have reached out through email, his parent, and even linkedin. Am I crazy for being so shocked and concerned? My friends, fiance, and therapist say that he is in love with me, but there has literally never been any indication on his part or mine. I feel so sad and stupid. Any insight would be appreciated.

Domestic Violence Coverup.

My ex-girlfriend has abused me for years. Yet I feel attached to her regardless. My love for her remains the strongest it’s been and despite our relationship ending and me being aware of the abuse, I feel the need to run to her and love her forever. Over the years, my girlfriend has 1. Elbowed me, punched me, spit on me, attempted to stab me and much more and sometimes it’s simply just for me being present. 2. Destroyed my property and gifts because I may work a little too often, then blamed me for her behaviour. 3. Manipulated me into removing of my closest friends or else she would spread rumours (she did once before, as we met in college, she ruined my relationship with a professor that I was utilizing as a reference) 4. Broke up with me on and off for the first few months and again told me it was because of me that she was unsure of herself. 5. Degraded me for standing up to her family when they would call me inappropriate names. 6. Disregarded my opinion and when my opinion was proven to be correct, she would attack me verbally and physically. 7. Sat in the tub with a knife and told me that if I came near to stopping her, she’d cut herself and blame me for it. She is 30, I am 22. There may be something wrong with me but I continuously outweigh all these points with the fact that I love her presence and need to be in contact with her or near her. During our breakup, she broke up with me and made sure to notify everyone else of how horrible I’ve been when I was the one who was exposed to her behaviours but nobody would believe this innocent little lady handled herself in this type of fashion. I’m at a crossroads.

I’m tired of lying to my parents.

Hello, I’m sorry for formatting issues, I’m doing this on mobile. I (18M) am currently enrolled at one of the best culinary schools in my province, and I’ve been working in the culinary industry for about three years now, also I’ve been offered positions and met some pretty high-up people in the industry, the problem is, I don’t want to be a chef. Some context, my family has always been lower to lower middle class and so once it became known I had a talent for cooking my family has been very adamant on me becoming a chef, but before anyone knew I had a talent, I had always wanted to join the military, I’ve been around people and organizations that are related to the military, I grew up on war movies, I had been going to army bases for summer training for five years, but now that they see I’m good at this none of my family want me to enlist, except my Nonno who’s been very supportive. I want to not disappoint my family, and use what my late Nonna taught me, but I can’t join that industry, for one I just don’t want to, and two is that almost everyone I’ve seen except at the very highest level of culinary is a miserable person, good people but they aren’t happy. I’m tired of lying to everyone I meet with my family, and putting on the customer service smile, telling them I want to open a restaurant, I don’t, I like cooking, but I want to be a military soldier, and I’m worried about what my parents who’ve sacrificed a lot for me to get where I am, won’t understand or let me be what want. Thanks for reading.

Text Tsunamis

Hey there, Reddit. I’m sorry I just need to vent a bit about an experience that's still gnawing at me. You see, I'm a simple man. All I ask for after a long, stressful day at work is a little peace, quiet, and a chance to exercise my brain with a bit of Sodoku. I'd go so far as to call this my sacred time - a brief hiatus from the world where I can recharge my batteries. But, my ex, she had other plans. Each evening, just as I'd settle down, my phone would light up like a Christmas tree. A deluge of texts, one after the other, not leaving a single moment's peace. It wasn't that I didn't enjoy our talks; I loved our exchanges during the day. But those evening hours, they were my Sodoku time. And she knew it. Her texts weren't urgent matters. They weren't about how her day was or anything significant. It was endless chatter, random internet memes, a blow-by-blow account of the new reality TV episode she was watching. It became unbearable, a tidal wave of distractions that kept flooding my sanctuary. I tried to explain, even asked for a small time-out every day - that little piece of solitude where it was just me and my Sodoku. But she couldn't, or wouldn't, understand. She called it 'neglecting the relationship', and I was painted as the villain for wanting a simple hour of quiet. So here I am, pouring my frustrations out. I miss my peaceful Sodoku sessions. All I wanted was to keep that little corner of my day sacred. Is that too much to ask for? Thanks for listening, Reddit. I needed this.

I’m gonna have to lay my dog to sleep myself

I feel a little sick, I don’t have the tears to cry just yet at least. My 2 pound senior chihuahua is already on his way out, his dementia has progressed significantly, and I already had a scare earlier this year when we thought we was gonna be put down. The ER visit costed my dear friend 600, because he volunteered to help me. I’m still paying him back. I’m hoping to cover my rent this month, I’m waiting for my phone to be cut, I owe the irs thanks to my mom My cat attacked him. Badly. She punctured his back. I’ve cleaned his wound, dressed it, and continue to do so. It’s been two days. Thankfully I have gabapentin from his last visit. He looks weak. I know it’s almost time. I can’t afford to take him again, I can’t even afford to euthanize him. My friend has some hydrocodone from before his dog passed away. Im scared he’ll get a bad infection and die suffering. Now typing this got the tears running. I can hardly see what im typing. If he gets bad, I’ll dose him myself and lay him to rest. He’s been such a good boy and has been with me through some of the hardest and lowest points of my life. He’s been by my side to see my grow and change and overcome so much. He deserves to go an peacefully as possible. I love that boy so much. I wish there was more I could do.

I (28f) hate my self so much I cannot look in the mirror

I (28 f) know this is beyond stupid. I am young, healthy, successful, with hopes of soon starting my journey up the ladder of academia. I know I am quite intelligent, I speak three languages, I am good at almost anything I set my mind to. But whenever I look at myself in the mirror, all I see is the failure of an ugly child I used to be so many years ago. I have been called ugly my entire life. My childhood "friends" would call me "Ugly Betty", after the series, because, according to them, I was so ugly I could play the part just as well. Everywhere I went, at school, at extra curricular activities, even at home, someone would always make horrible comments at my looks. I was plain, small, with horrible glasses, braces, and a bad taste in clothes. Everyone knew that I was trying my best to "make over myself" and yet, awkward remarks were thrown at my face. Even as I grew up, this story went on: the sister of my very best friend straight up said that I was "hopeless to get the good looking guy", all the boys went for my friends instead, some of them even telling mutual friends that I was not "worth meeting because I was so ugly". One time, a boy was attracted to me and asked for my social media page: my friends were suspicious that he was not really into me and all he wanted was to make fun of me and prank me, and you can guess where this came from... Lately, this story has been playing a lot in my head. Some guys have shown interest, but I cannot bring myself to relax around them. Whenever they compliment me, I feel as if they are lying just to get into my pants. I hate my image so much. I am tiny, therefor I am constantly being told that I look childish, and it feels horrible. Who is ever going to like someone who looks like a child? No matter what I do, this will never change. Some times, I feel so disgusting that I do not want to leave the house. I know people have had so much worse and it is embarrassing of me to bow under such vain matters, but it still hurts me. I have been called ugly for at least 20 years, almost every day. And the voice in my head will never go, all my eyes see is a plain, bad looking weirdo, with no hopes of ever being loved.

I wish I was sexually attractive

Never been with a woman who seemed like they actually desire me outside of my first. I feel like I do my best to keep myself up. I take my hygiene seriously and never smell bad. I'm not fat , I work out. It just seems like every woman I've ever dealt with always makes being sexual with me seem like a chore. I never get flirted with or anything like that. The woman I'm dealing with now who has told me of all the exciting stuff she's done with others never mentions anything about sex with me, and when I mention it I get a dry response or it's not that important to me with you. It's to the point where she gets annoyed when I even mention it and said she doesn't want to have sex with me, she just likes the way I make her feel and what I do for her. Sex isn't the most important thing in the world to me either, but lately I've just been trying to understand why I don't have any sex appeal. I feel like if I didn't have a job or if I was more of a dickhead literally no woman would give me the time of day. I feel like I have to find peace with the fact that I can never be with someone and expect affection from them. Makes me feel really crappy.

Is this normal to experience at school? Never told anyone this

I'm in university now, but I remember as a child in school, ever since being 6-7 years old I have vague memories of being nearly choked by another child and also flashed at one point? I also have vivid memories (with proof from other kids who experienced the same) of other kids trying to pull my bikini off in the pool or try to drown me in the pool, this happened to others as well... I also remember some kids would pee in bottles and then throw it at us and I had to change my clothes I remember being scared a lot at school and always being very hyper vigilant. My school had a lot of issues with bullying and the enviroment was pretty bad. Lots of fighting and I never felt safe. Just had to get it off my chest because I never told anyone.

I might be pregnant and I'm scared

I'm seventeen and i might be pregnant. After my period I had unprotected sex like an idiot but felt a little better afterwards because I was on the the pill(I know they aren't always effective) but recently iv been feeling the urge to use the bathroom more, nauseous, cant eat much, and thrown up some and honestly I just though maybe I'm getting sick. My bf's mom thinks I might be pregnant because of the nausea and the fact I can seem to eat with a sick feeling washing over me. Iv had to take nausea pills just so I could eat a full meal without being sick. She believes I might be pregnant and a comment I made about something I ate ( a yummy smoothie that I had said feels like it wants to come right back out) made her double down on it. She's said she'd by me a test to be sure and I'm happy her and my bf are there for me but I'm honestly scared and don't know what to do.

I'm exhausted by hearing my ex describe our breakup as messy and painful, when they were the person who made it that way

I want to say I've been lurking here for awhile and I really, really appreciate how nice y'all are. I've been holding all this inside my head for so long, but it's hard to truly feel that a place is safe to vent until you've watched for awhile. ​ Thanks in advance for listening, guys. ​ I live with depression and had a pretty bad mental health crisis awhile back. I didn't actually want to harm myself, but was battling a pretty significant temptation to do so. I've been in this position before, so I knew I needed space to clear my head and actually think through what was going on in my mind, and time to touch base with my therapist. ​ The person I'm venting about and other members of my family wouldn't leave me alone to have that space and committed several actions that made me feel incredibly unsafe (including taking my antidepressants while I was out of the house but not making sure to actually give me my dose in the morning, basically forcing me off my meds). I understand that they thought they were doing something proactive, but it was the opposite and made my mental state much worse. I tried to explain this, but at that point, I was so "out of my mind" that it was difficult to think clearly, let alone explain those thoughts. ​ At that point, I knew that I had to "get to safety," basically. I needed to be with trusted people who would stay with me and help me keep an eye on myself and help me get to the hospital if that was what I needed. I've been hospitalized before, and I have learned to be pretty good at monitoring my symptoms and making an appropriate call about what I need to do to ensure my own safety. I can say with confidence that I wasn't at the same point I was when I WAS hospitalized before, but I definitely needed to be in an environment that felt safe where I could get assistance if I needed it, and not in a situation where I felt caged, unheard, and disrespected. ​ So I left home and didn't tell anyone where I went. Was that a "good" thing to do? No, but I still believe that doing whatever I needed to do to ensure my own safety was the most important thing at that point. I was still messaging my family and then-partner; even though I was past the point of making much sense in what I was saying to them, I was still trying, and still thought keeping in SOME kind of communication with them would be the closest to something "reassuring" I could do. ​ I told my then-partner that the reason I wasn't going to tell them where I was going or what I was doing was because I didn't feel safe with them. Their response was to say that if they were dangerous to be with, then they didn't belong in this relationship. Somehow, I was still lucid enough to say that I felt like this wasn't the time to do something like that with no warning and no discussion and that if they were serious, we should probably talk about it later. I believe I said something along the lines of "if our relationship is important to you, then we should talk about it." They took this as me pulling a "if you really loved me, you would \_\_\_." It wasn't. At that point, I didn't really give a shit if they did break up with me, after the way they'd been treating me, so it wasn't an attempt to manipulate them into staying. I can see why they might have thought so, but it wasn't. ​ I said what I said because it's what I believe. I don't think it's appropriate or safe at all to drop something so serious on someone that you believe to be in danger. That's the thing - I knew from my own lived experience that I was unlikely to be in real danger as long as I got somewhere safe as quickly as possible. But my then-partner definitely believed I was going to harm myself, and still made the decision to break up with me in the middle of this. ​ I know situations can look really different to every person involved, but I just can't get my head around this. I can't think of ANY way that it makes sense to do what they did. It just seems like they said something reactionary without thinking, and like they were angry that I said I felt unsafe with them. If someone I loved felt unsafe around me, I would really, really want to know why so that I could try to fix it right away. I would never abandon someone who was in crisis. I would ask what I could do to help them feel safe again and let them know that if they really didn't feel secure accepting help from me, I would understand, but their safety is most important. ​ I've spent so much time spinning this around in my head and I still can't understand it. But to go back to the subject line of this post, the thing that really gets me is that my ex always describes this as some messy, tragic loss in their life. It really hurts, because they chose to abandon me even though they thought I might be in danger, they chose to end things the way they did, they chose not to make any attempt to find out why I said I felt unsafe with them. I didn't choose any of that. They did. ​ And I didn't do anything to upset them after that, either. I just avoided them because I was still recovering from the mental health crisis itself, and I had decided after talking a lot of stuff through with my therapist that I wasn't really interested in reconciling anyway. Being abandoned in that serious a way really changes your opinion of the other person. It just sucks to see evidence that they're probably totally misrepresenting this situation to the people in their life. Like I said, I know things can look very different to each person involved in something like this, and that's fine. ​ It especially sucks because I was there with them during more than one mental health episode of their own. So it felt like "ok, so you're happy to accept my support, but when I'm the one who needs support, you jump ship the second things aren't going the way you want." It felt like, because I wouldn't come home or tell them where I was, and because I was honest and said they were making me feel unsafe, they decided it was too much to bother dealing with. ​ That's really why I decided I didn't want to try to have a conversation with them later. I didn't feel (and still don't) like there was any coming back from that. I didn't think I could even be friends with them anymore because I'd always be wondering if they would be there if I needed them or not, and I'd always be wondering if I could be honest about how I was feeling, or if they wouldn't want to hear it. ​ If you're still here, thank you again for listening. It means a lot.

My mom manipulates me, and I hate it.

Essentially the title. My mom controls me, gaslights me, belittles me, and says some of the worst things to me. An example, my SO and I have been together for four years. In February, I began an OCD flair specifically revolving around him (relationship OCD), and this occurred up until even now (tho im medicated and in treatment). She used to laugh at me and tell me my intrusive thoughts are ridiculous and not as bad as my sisters since she has harm OCD (she has intrusive thoughts about where anything can harm her, and she can harm herself with). She then tells me i don't need meds, I don't need therapy and it'll pass over. The other day, we got into a fight about my weight. I have gained a lot, and i'll acknowledge that it's my fault. In the midst of the argument, she looked at me dead in the eye and said that I look like a 52-year-old man because of my stomach. I called her out on it and she immediately deflected saying im too smart for her and im a beautiful young woman. We got into another fight yesterday with her telling me I cause too much drama, I look pregnant with the amount of weight I put on, I do nothing proactive to change myself. I mentioned moving out and temporarily living with my SO since it'll be cheaper then an apartment (we live in NY where they go for 2000+ a month), she yelled at me no because his family is 'too much drama' (they have a lot of drama, but usually its resolved within itself and passes), and she can't handle the stress of hearing that his grandmother is dying. I snapped and said that uncontrollably and she went silent. I live in NY where apartments are too expensive. My SO and I can't move out right now due to this, and i can't find anything online about even a room (some of the rooms near me go for 1200-2000 a month). I can't take this.

Tired of being alive

Don't necessarily want to die, but not opposed to it. Just tired of life. It's just a lot. Even expressing the reasons why just seem pointless. This shit just sucks. How does anyone legitimately enjoy being on this fuckin planet? Really doesn't make sense to me.

Love hurts

Confused what i need to do at the moment..be in this relationship for going in 4 years now..started off rough. Just young love honestly and i felt like he was my rescuer. My world tbh.. i was 17 at the time we met and he was 23.. we worked at dominoes together. That’s how we met. He didn’t have his own place when we first met and i actually was so in love and felt complete with him just being in my presence but things have changed since then obviously…I’m 21 now. I’ve slept on the street with this guy. Lived in cars with this guy. And now I have a little girl with him. She’s almost a year 1/2. We ended up having her put under a safety plan and placed in my aunts care because arguments got to rough for her to be around. I see and talk to her almost everyday. Problems come in play for the fact I don’t have my own car and he never allowed me to work..trust issues I guess. He’s a gamer. Hardcore gamer and it affects his money making. So financial stability has always been an issue with him. He says he can do what he wants and doesn’t take criticism well. I fall asleep crying most nights just wanting him to come to bed with me.. just wanting that quality time and connection I feel like i deserve after a long day at work…he doesn’t have a job at the moment and I’ve been supporting him for the past month on my own. He found a job a few days ago actually and was suppose to start work super early this morning. But because of the games he plays and the time he spends on the console her never gets much sleep…ended up not going to work on his first day..I’m trying to get my daughter back with her family but at this point at almost 4 years I’m starting to think it’s better if we do this separately. But my problem is I feel I have to depend on him for his vehicle and a place to stay up until I save enough for my own…but how am i suppose to save money if I’m consistently having to pay bills for two? It was suppose to be a team thing..and he told me before I moved back in with him a month ago that things would be different…he’s a very loud and vocal person. Only his opinion matters most of the time and his eyes he never does anything wrong and I’m just too emotional…but am I really? There’s more detail honestly but I’m not sure if I have the time to express how the relationship really is everyday…is it love

Every thought i think contradicts the other. i am losing control

i feel sad and helpless. it’s because i feel like i can’t even have control over my own life. it’s not a case against overbearing parents or anything, but with the universe lmfao. it’s such an exaggerated way to express it but things just keep going wrong for me. to name a few, i’m still honestly having a hard time dealing with dad’s death and everything that came with it. i tried to control the situation and deal with the real world but i was leaving myself with neglect. i tried listening to myself more, but that meant leaving behind so much responsibilities. if i work, i break; if i take a break, i dawdle. i tried and tried to find the balance in between, but the needs of the other was just too demanding. it sounds like excuses, i know. i guess the struggle for balance is my current state. i listen to myself more, while pushing myself to get back on my feet. new friends, new org, new connections, new relationship, new opportunities. but aha guess what. i still suck. no, frankly speaking, i still suck. my new friendships never make it past small talk. my position in my new org is met with such underwhelming performance. school hasn’t even started and i already lost all the files for our org. i have been missing in so many days of preparations. my job as a secretary is so ass, i can’t even make a proper minutes-of-the-meeting layout. i can’t even do what i promised myself of being more outgoing and loose. people still can’t approach me. it’s not like i’m not trying, either. i’ve done my best to contribute by buying materials out of my own pocket, yet it’s honestly still not enough. with that, i can’t even seem to handle my social interactions either. i lose old friends, offend friends i haven’t seen in forever, and lose a sister. i tried so hard to communicate but everything with them still fell apart. i’m doing my best to think about where i went wrong. as much as i am aware of the answer, it’s still things i fundamentally lack as a person. i can’t deal with my old friend and sister because i hold grudges against things they’ve done to me. i take my pride and value as a person at a higher stake. yet, i still question whether being cold is worth missing all the warmth. this brings me to my next concern. my relationship. i’m happy at times, yes. but i’m just constantly slapped with the quandary of whether i’m demanding too much given the person i lack; or putting up with too much, given the person i think i am. frankly, i want love, affection, understanding, and patience. a part of me thinks it’s okay to demand that with my ability to give the same. it’s just the first item that’s giving me doubts. can i really love if i still put myself up a pedestal and guard with so much pride? is it really love if i still try to see myself within the relationship? every day i’m filled with endless thoughts about one person hoping he’s filled with them too. the thought of the answer to the latter just fills me up with bitterness. i feel i try to be so intricate with the affection i give; pretentious, even. poems, playlists, drawings, gifts, time, physical affection, words, compliments, an open heart, and my body. i think i’m genuine, yet the back of my mind is telling me not to be. i can’t call it love if i hold a grudge for my needs and wants not being met. i get little words of affection, fall scarce on compliments— it has been made apparent numerous times, that i am complimented. it’s just that he’s not a big ‘words’ guy— very few random gestures of affection, i am met with little patience and understanding—hoping to get a bit more of that, since he knows what i’m going through, i feel i am looked down on by my own partner, feel as if he genuinely believes i have a small brain, neglected during sex, and met with wandering eyes and affection. i’m starting to believe i am too obsessive, too demanding, too pretentious, too ambitious. it’s a problem i’m trying to be aware of, but i keep justifying myself with the efforts i push myself to give. i’ve tried talking to a therapist, it helped me in realizing i need to stop blaming myself, and strive to be better. now that i’m trying, i’m afraid of realizing i need to let go of things i hold dear to my heart. TL;DR: every thought i think juxtaposes the other. i am losing control

I think I'm lost

Hello! it's my first time ever posting on Reddit so cut me sum slack, idk if it's a good idea to post here about it. tbvh i find myself in so much shit and I don't really feel like I can tell about it to my family or friends. I don't wanna burdenize them with my worries as well, even though nowadays I feel like my friends and family don't really get me either. I find myself alone for days, even though I mean I shouldn't be, I have a great girlfriend who loves me and so much to be grateful for. However, I still find myself to be alone. I have got so many responsibilities on me and I just can't seem to catch a break ever since covid came around. Academics and uni stuff is j all the time and I feel like no one is truly here for me emotionally, I really dk if this is a good idea to share it all here. I just needed a place to get things of my heart.

My (37m) best friend (her/they 29), an ex, mentioned we should live together

Shes my best friend, we hang out and talk all the time... Recently I've been dealing with resurfacing feelings for her. I've been able to keep them in check, but it does get hard sometimes. She was an important person in my life and it's hard to just turn those feelings off, but I love hanging out with her so I'm trying to move past it. Yesterday we were on facetime talking about random stuff, and she was talking about our current living situations. She said it with conviction. No jokes. Just straight up, "we should just find a two bedroom". I didn't really know how to react, so I didn't. She didn't really seem to notice, and we just kind of kept on with our convo. It's definitely not a good idea. In no way is it a good idea. I can list all the reasons why it would be bad...but it is getting expensive living on my own... And it's hard for me to get a room. Not a lot of people want to rent out to me since I share custody of my daughter. And my friend and daughter love each other, and my friend even said something like they'd be able to do girls nights together... It isn't a good idea. Because I still am struggling with feelings for them. It isn't a good idea, because even if I do get over these feelings, who's to say being that close they won't come back.

My current frustration with gendered issues

I have pretty much always had a soft spot for women and women’s issues I think. I grew up in a very conservative/traditional household and saw the strain that put on my mother. Ever since then I always wanted to have my mom’s back and the back of women in general. I always voted liberally on women’s issues. I saw women as amazing and wanted them empowered more in our society. Gradually I started to realize there were some subtle biases to some of my views, for example I began to realize that when my mother got really depressed about her lot in life and locked herself up in her room for years, my reflex was to see her treatment as intolerable. But I realized that my view was completely ignoring the fact that for the family to function, everything fell on my dad at that point. And he did a great job of trying to empower her while, throwing out their oppressive religious views, and making lemonade out of lemons in general. I realized I was kind of being a little punk in not even acknowledging that it was pretty much all him at that point and he took care of it without complaint. Regardless, I still have a soft spot for women. I took a lot of classes in women’s issues in college. That stuff is important to me. I still lean liberal on women’s issues. But I’ve noticed over the last couple decades the dialogue is getting more and more ridiculous on these issues. We’re descending more and more into misandry and male boogeyman labeling. You can’t debate the details anymore. Feminism is steering away from academia and more towards a kind of pop-feminism that simply sees patriarchy as a conspiracy of men and not a dynamic societal structure. It uses “toxic masculinity” mostly to just call men the problem instead of trying to think of how these gender norms develop and are reinforced. There’s basically an attitude that a man with a critical idea will always be wrong but a woman will always be right even if her whole idea is that she likes patriarchy and bad male gender norms. Basically we’re getting away from an attempt to solve problems and it’s starting look like a woke misandry that cannot be questioned. Which doesn’t sound helpful for women or men :/

it's been a year since i fucked everything up

i really wish i had the right words to talk about this... this situation is hard to explain and i won't to avoid any kind of mess, but long story short i did irreversibile damage to someone who did not deserve it. i was unstable, i still am in some way, but at the time i used to behave like a fucking psycho. i used to be sending random hate to that person when something didn't go as i wanted, i used to be so controlling and overprotective that i literally cried whenever she had to go out. i've done several disastrous things only because i was insecure, and i still am unfortunately now i'm at least more aware and taking responsibility of what i've done, but thinking that all of this wouldn't have happened if i had a little more patience breaks my heart. now i think that this one person only misses me and all because of a trauma response and i feel worthless and not deserving of any kind of attention or anything. i was very unstable yeah but it doesn't justify the shit i've done. i also wish i could be able to give proper apologies and show what i managed to do to change and leave the past behind, but i can't. all because i was an insecure scumbag and i still am. i have lots of regrets and i'm trying my best to get better but nothing works. i even started to go to the fucking gym to distract myself but whenever i can't do something i just end up crying randomly. i told the person im talking about not to check my reddit because i already know that they would be triggered by me being so depressed and shit and they should not get any info from me, so im even scared they're gonna see this and feel bad about me feeling bad??? dunno if you get my point. but yeah i just needed to vent and I can't bare to live with the thought of ruining someone's life and possibly their perception of love. i am doing my best to get better but i still feel like shit. no matter how many cigarettes i smoke, no matter how much i drink to forget about everything even for just a moment, the past is still there and yep that's it. minca che cringiata mi sparo in gola,nnnnn!!!!!!!!

My dog got hurt because of me

I went for a very long hike of 30km, and it ended up being 35. My dog came along and had the most wonderful day swimming and running. He didn’t seem to mind on the walk itself. But the next dat he started to limp and now he can only walk a couple of meters. The vet told me to wait a few days as there is nothing swollen. But I do feel guilty because he loves to play and now he has to stay inside for the majority of the day….

If I fail to win the heart of my crush in the end then

I hope someone close to me or someone I know wins the heart of the girl they’ve always wanted for my sake.

Im gonna be miserable for the rest of my life

Social anxiety will ruin me, i wont get good job, i wont get gf, i wont travel i wont enjoy life But i got two solutions - first solution is suicide and second is buying drugs so i can reduce the anxiety artificially. Kinda rant idc

Today is my 53rd Birthday and I don't feel like celebrating.

I just don't feel like celebrating my 53rd, even though I should be thankful for being alive as three weeks ago, I ended up passing out at work. If I hadn't done it at work, I probably would have passed out behind the wheel driving home and probably got into an accident or worse killed someone or myself. I just don't feel like celebrating my birthday today. I haven't felt enthused about anything for the last few weeks beyond acting happy when I am at work, but when I get home, after checking my emails and rereading my WIP novel to see if the muse will start singing on the story but 70% of the time, I end up turning off the computer and watching TV and nodding off. Thank you for allowing me to get this off my chest.

It's official. I'm a dumb little idiot

Article on my homepage just said **"Enrique Iglesias and Ana Kournikova married,"** and my first thought was not the usual *who gives a shit?!?!?!?!!* but instead was *I didn't even know they were dating.* I have crossed the rubicon and am officially a dumb little idiot.

Ground to dust

A rock and a hard place, I do find my feet, A heart felt case, No refuge to see. Ground to dust, A streaking tear, No one to trust, Holding on dear. A loved one, Creeping to death, Not nearly done, Another breath. Ground to dust, A stomach sinks, Iron watch rusts, time does blink. Pulled between, Two souls weave, Particles screen, Lives to grieve. Ground to dust, Hopes do fail, Loving eyes crust, Sorrow sails. What to do, Impermeable rock, My choices are few, My paths are blocked. Poem about my struggles. I work full time, go to grad-school part time. My sister I took to a hospital because of suicidal ideation and intentions to carry it out. She and my grandma live with me. Grandma has been fighting stage four lung cancer. She is in remission but it will come back at some point and she has chosen that she will not continue. My sister was grandma’s full time caregiver but my sister can’t handle the pressure. I have to work so that we have food and a roof over head. Grandma is digging her hills in on going to a long term facility. We can’t continue providing care, she needs professionals. More than what we can handle. Now that my sis is in a mental hospital, grandma is ‘dissing’ on my sister. My sister has given up so much for grandma, as have I but all she can do is talk ill of my sister. Grandma doesn’t want to go to a longterm facility and will say that we hate her or don’t love her. I don’t know how many times we have to break in front of her to see how much strain, pressure, and stress we are under. She needs a safer and more stable environment provided by professionals. But it is like she is trying to force us to be the ones to take care of her. She can’t go to any other families place, we are a lone in this city. My uncle is the only one with enough financial standing to help her move to him and for him to find a facility but he has basically said we are on our own. He will pay for a few of her bills but that it’s no suprise that we are having to deal with this. While he is dealing with health issues in regards to his wife. What he is going through we have been going through for 6+months. I feel like all my efforts are being stomped on, that I am being ground to dust. I feel like we are being forced into a corner and that no one cares that we are hurting and in so much pain.

dumb boy stuff

so me and this boy talked last year and it wasn’t very much, we talked for a few months but after a while he just wasn’t interested. it hurt a lot but i had to like let him go because we never really dated u know. we probably would have dated if i was so nervous and just talked to him in person. being shy has always been a problem with me. i’ve never really been outgoing or like open with others. anyways thats not the point. me and him probably would’ve dated if i just talked to him. but he got tired of waiting and just kinda gave up on me. me and him were kinda off and on for a little bit. but then after a few weeks we just stopped talking. then school started again and we would say very few words to each other throughout the year. i didn’t really care though. you would’ve thought i would’ve gotten over him, right? wrong. i was not even close. i’m still not. its whatever though. fast forward a year later, ON MY BIRTHDAY. he adds me on snapchat again. and he didn’t even wish me a happy birthday :|. we haven’t really talked on snap either but thats also whatever. but then today, he noticed i was in hid neighborhood(i was with a friend). he then asked me on snapchat if i had any green. and i was just mind blown. like how are u not gonna talk to me for a year but still say little things to lead me on just to ask me if i had weed. at the same time i wasn’t to surprised because he’s kinda like that. i saw this as my chance so i talked to him a little basically just telling him i didn’t have anything. he did give me a shot of fireball though. he placed it by a rock outside my friends house. i’m kinda confused on why he didn’t just like give it to me in person but whatever. idk i’m just really confused with my feelings because i really like him but i don’t think he even feels like same about me. anyways i just had to get this off my chest and hopefully some advice? (if any of this sounds weird or misworded, its not my fault i was writing this at 6 in the morning with no sleep before)