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R-Arfin

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Depression

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I can’t stop stuttering and fumbling over my own words when I speak to people at work and its getting to be reeaaaal embarrassing and annoying.

I’m overall a pretty anxious guy, but with my meds I can manage. Like, I’m basically fine at work. But still, it just seems like I have trouble speaking. I basically have a script memorized for some things and I still mess it up. Here’s an example: “there’s a ten f- there’s a ten dollar uh fee.” Lik that is FIVE WORDS. 😭 Or, when I have to respond to a simple thing like “thank you” or “goodbye” I will sometimes just have a long awkward pause, say the wrong thing, or in some cases not say anything at all. I am such an awkward human being that I can literally feel my customers pity me like CMON. 😭

I’m f’d up from SA as a child. I want to confront my abuser.

Okay y’all, this might be long. I was abused by another person my own age as a child (we were 5,6,7,8 yrs old while this went on) and it has fucked me up for life. I started masturbating when I was 8 and I was doing it obsessively. Like, every shower I took, every night before bed, all the time. I did it but I always felt gross and weird because nobody else my age was doing that. I also think that my dads friend abused me. I don’t have any memories of what went on but I have a very weird feeling that this guy did something to me. I tried to ask my mom one time years ago and she got pretty quiet (we were on the phone at the time and I lived states away) and she said “well, I dunno if he did anything. What do you remember?” I absolutely feel like this was an admission of it on her part. This was a guy who stayed at our house on and off for 2 years while my parents were building our house. My Mom is dead but should I ask my dad about this guy? My dad is not the type who wants to talk about the past but I feel like I need to know. What should I do?

My bf didn’t get me a birthday present this year

I've been with my bf for almost a year and a half and last year he gave me a present for my birthday, but didn't get me anything this year. He did send me a birthday message, but no gift. I mentioned to him that my family forgot it was my birthday, and even though I don't enjoy being the center of attention, it still made me feel sad. Knowing this, I thought he would maybe do something for me but he didn't. I usually tell him how I feel, but Im hesitant because I know he isn't doing the best monetarily rn. I wish he would be more thoughtful sometimes. I would’ve been happy with just $10 flowers ):

I'm so tired of pretending

I'm so tired of being the cheerful sick girl/the noble dying girl. I'm exhausted and sad and angry and I can't talk to anyone about it because no one wants to hear it because the whole sick and dying thing is too upsetting for them (me? who cares about how I feel?) so i have to be stoic and strong and happy when all I want to do is cry and rage and break shit and throw shit at the wall because wtf did I ever do to deserve this? But no one wants to hear it. My mom gets too sad, my friends think it's inappropriate to discuss, my therapist just tells me to live mindfully and use my coping skills. ​ But I'm so tired of these fuking coping skills. All I want to do is break down and not be strong for once. Not pretend everything is alright. Not take it all with poise and grace. But I can't. So it just stays in my head and I force myself to smile and say everything is alright to everyone because for some reasons their emotions regarding the situation I'm in trump mine. Y'know, the person actually sick and dying. I wouldn't normally say this. Have to keep that cheery persona up but I'm just so tired of pretending to be alright. tl;dr I'm sick, slowly dying, only 27, and depressed, but I have to pretend to be happy and take things with grace otherwise everyone else will get upset. I'm not sure why exactly I'm posting this here. I guess I just want to feel heard by *someone*. I guess I just want someone to know the truth. That I'm not alright. Gods I'm so sick of pretending I'm alright.

What's the point to posting and responding to strangers on here?

I don't see the point to post long rants on here and strangers respond. Seems so impersonal. Don't you want to actually chat with people?

Depression - I miss being able to feel thrill, excitement etc

Am listening to this music that came out during the last few months I was able to feel happy/emotions and just got a very slight sense of thrill from it. I wish I could feel a sense of thrill like I used to, strongly and where it would "get to me"

my sister is the favorite

I(f17) have a younger sister(f9) who I think my mom just loves more. For some context my mom never planned to have me and has told me multiple times I was an accident but still loved me regardless I never knew my dad and it was just me and my mom for a while and I was made very aware from a very young age how money works and how we didn't have any. My mom was an active drug user and with that came all the usual issues we never had a home to ourselves and lived with family and friends and in and out of hotels/shelters and for most nights I was just left alone I never asked for anything and would end up having to sell my stuff or use any money I made (gifts and odd favor jobs) for expenses but flash forward a couple of years and my mom gets clean and meets her now fiancé and my stepdad, he had no children and has always seen and cared for me as his own but they decided to have my sister. We were a lot better off than what we were when I was growing up, I still feel guilty asking for things and still think I'm gonna wake up one day with nothing again but that's my own trauma I'm working on. From the second my mom announced her pregnancy I could feel that something changed family and friends who cut off my mom for her drug use came back with tons of support and It was always just about my sister we ended up moving to a bigger house with 3 rooms and you would think it would be parents room, nursery and then mine but my mom wanted to have a nursery and a playroom for my sister so I was stuck with an unfinished basement as a room for years. After my sister was born the normal giving the new baby all the attention happened but its like it never went away my sister would get everything she asked for even if we couldn't afford it but I would be told I could figure/work out a way to get things for myself even if I needed it, I ended up having to quit soccer which was basically the only thing I found comfort in so she could do ballet and gymnastics she always has to have the best stuff and the other day she spent 1600$ on an online game without asking and just got told to not do it again which my sister then of course responded back with her average snotty remarks and its like nothing happened, she's never gotten in trouble and I have to do everything for her, I have to clean the house, water the plants, cook, walk/feed the dog, do grocery shopping and take care of her when were home from school all while trying to balance school and my job and I have done this since she was able to walk, I understand I'm older I just hate the fact when I was her age I had to basically find a way to survive by myself. My mom is also spending thousands towards her health when I'm still begging her to schedule just one doctors appointment for me. My mom has never come to one of my events even simple ones like a 10 minute Christmas play but will lose her mind if she's even 5 minutes late to one of my sisters, our entire house is filled with pictures of her and granted I don't have many childhood photos to put up but its like I'm not even part of the family. I don't hate my sister for how she was raised despite how spoiled and ungrateful she is, I just hate how I grew up in a completely different world and how It feels like I wasn't good enough to get better for or to try for and nothing I do will ever be as important as her. I don't feel like my moms child I feel like I was just a trial run for her real daughter and can't get rid of me.

Please Help

I desperately need your help I am 23 F. I have a son that is almost 14 months old, he is the light of my life. My husband and I have been dating since 18. I come from a long history of alcoholics, drug users, and very unstable people. I was raised by parents that I know loved me, but I feel like they destroyed me. I feel like they destroyed my ability to be normal, to experience joy, to not be confused as to whether I’m actually a good person or not. When I allow myself to be overcome by these feelings, I’m snappy with everyone around me, I cut people out of my life, and I never leave my home. I’ve tried various hobbies, but I feel like my husband and my previous son deserve far more than I am ever capable of being. I have been suicidal off and on for the last two years, and now more than ever it seems like it needs to happen. The biggest reason that I stay is that I’m terrified of ruining my baby’s life by leaving this way. So, my question to you all is this: For those who have lost a loved one to suicide at a very young age, how did it impact your life? Edit: I cannot convey seriously enough how severely I feel that I am ruining the quality of their lives.

My family gave me a full size painting of my groomer and I as a gift.

I should explain. This story is that bittersweet kind of funny, but it has a happy ending to it. I met a boy in an online game sometime when I was a teenager. For several years, we were attached at the hip, constantly talking and playing games together. Keep in mind, I knew his age from day one, but he didn't know mine for the first year and a half - he was 16 when we met. He never asked to see my face, so I never asked to see his. Although we were not dating, all of our other online friends consistently made comments about how we should, considering we were always together anyway. Well, I'm something of an artist, and I began to draw his character and my character from our in-game roleplaying adventures. Our characters were married, which sprouted from an inside joke between us, but was largely intended so that they would be equals. He, both in character and out, was endlessly respectful, to the point that he wouldn't even curse in front of me because I didn't curse either. One day, I was feeling reckless, and although I never considered having a relationship with him to be doable, considering he lived so far away, I kissed his character with mine (crazy idea, two married characters kissing). I'd had a crush on him since the first week we'd met, so when his character smiled in response to the kiss, and I saw how taken off guard, nervous, but excited he was about it, I immediately took to drawing the scene myself. At some point a few weeks later, I'd dropped so many hints that I liked him, that he finally came out and confessed his feelings for me. He was so uncertain and earnest and sincere. It all felt like a dream. Well, my parents found out about him. They cut all my ties with the online world for years. I understand why they did it, and in their place I would have done it too. Within 2 weeks of the incident, every single mention of him was permanently gone. No one talked about it. No one asked me about it. If it weren't so burned into my memory, and not for the silent punishments I was given, I would have thought I'd gone mad and it had never happened. I spent years in hell wondering if they were right, if I'd been groomed, and how could I have been so naive? I searched every single inch of my memory for any signs he might have given off that he was lying, or that he wasn't who he told me he was. There was nothing definitive - I always ended up on the fence about both possibilities. This meant I was simultaneously coping with having been a victim of a child predator, and having lost my best friend in the world during the worst night of my life. AKA, I could never fully cope. So, in the end, it was easier to give up everything I thought I knew, and believe that I'd been groomed and deserved my punishment for it than to oppose it all and be punished more, as well as look like a naive little girl. I leaned on my art for years as a coping mechanism. No one knew the backstory to the picture of our first kiss - so when my family, with all good intentions, went through my old sketchbook and found the photo (which admittedly is adorable), they gave me a massive 5'x7' framed photo of it to hang on my wall. I kept a cool face initially, but absolutely panicked the second I was alone. It felt like all of it was coming back. Imagine a picture of one of your happiest memories with someone who was one of your best friends, as well as your first love, then imagine you'd been cut off from that friend and found out they were probably a child predator there to take advantage of you, or so, so much worse. I was terrified of the thought of the groomer, but still so fond of the person I knew, and was looking at both versions of him in that picture. I made peace with it eventually - there was something so bittersweet about that, of all things, being the gift they gave me. An extension of the deepest, darkest parts of my heart, poured into an old drawing for everyone to see, but all they see is a cute couple photo of no one in particular. To this day, they have no idea. For those who might wonder: I confronted the guy many years later, after becoming an adult. I needed to have one battle to fight: if he was a pedophile, I'd learn how to cope with that. I wouldn't have to grieve a friend any longer, etc. I'd thought his name every single day for over 5 years of my life, hated the exact date I'd lost him, and flinched whenever anything reminded me of him. I was barely able to breathe as I texted him for the first time in so many years. I demanded a photo of him, proof of his age, and said that if he couldn't give them I'd accept that as my answer and be gone. He replied quickly: with a photo of himself and his drivers license - the exact age and information I knew him to be. I asked for both photos with an extremely specific detail in both, which he quickly did. For the first time in so long, I was finally able to relax. I sobbed tears of joy and grief for the pain I'd caused him, as well as the pain I had endured needlessly. He was emotional, too. We talked and talked, catching up, still as in sync as we ever were. We talked about our last day together, how hard it'd been for both of us, and after a few weeks, how happy we were to be back together. We talked about all our old memories. We joked around as if we'd never been apart and delved into a 2 hour long conversation about the zombie apocalypse. For the first time in 5+ years, my trauma began to heal. I still can't believe I hadn't done that earlier. We video call all the time now, and he's my best friend again. I've met his mom and his friends and his cats. I admit, I saw him for the first time in my life and, aside from the terror I was feeling from the situation, I was struck by how insanely attractive he was. Those video calls we do now have only cemented that for me. I fell in love with his mind, but I had no idea that he was just as beautiful on the outside, too. I can't believe how much I missed him. If soul mates exist, I hope he's mine.

I’m ashamed of my body count 18f

My body count is four…I know some people don’t consider that a high number but I’ve been told it is. I’ve struggled with hyper sexuality because of my ptsd and have also sent a lot of nudes to strangers. I try to control it but it’s hard. I’ve been getting better but it’s been such a difficult journey. I feel like it’s the only way I can get the attention I crave, the attention I feel like I deserve. My first relationship I ever had at 13 involved sexual assault. It’s all I know, I don’t know normal love or attention. It’s been bothering me so much lately because there is a boy I really really like but he is a bit more…conservative. I’m worried what he would think of me. I know if he was grossed out by my bc then he’s not the one but still, I want him to be the one. I’ve just been so worried about it. I’ve had a couple exes be disgusted that I wasn’t a virgin etc. I just get so anxious about it that it eats at me. I regret my past so much I wish things had been different. I wish I was never assaulted then I wouldn’t be like this.

Reddit users suck

I have extreme anxiety so I lurk and up vote but rarely comment. Even though it's online it still gives me such anxiety to comment. First time I commented was on a football post, and I still had people yelling at me saying I'm a lurker."Wow, your first post". I don't get it. I made a comment about the Colt's QB situation and immediately regretted it. Made me feel stupid and just exasperated my anxiety. Gaming subreddit has been the only safe haven. They have answered, talked, and not one person has judged me. I want to be a part of the communities I join but am terrified to comment.. Am I alone with this?

I still blame my mom for giving away my bag

So it happened when I was little ..I have a cousin(O) who is almost 2 years younger than me. O comes from a high middle class family and I m from a low middle class family. When we were little I always saw O in a better position than me and was very happy for O. O was always praised and included. I m an introvert so I wasn't comfortable. It happened when small bags where really nice thing to have and many little kids have them. Obviously O had one too and I with a miracle found a nice one in sale too. I loved it. It was the best of all the family kids. One day when I went to my aunt's house with my mom, O was also there. I went out with my other cousins for a while and when I came back O had went back home. I looked for my bag and my mom had exchanged mine with O(because O liked mine). I was so sad and still am that I still blame my mom saying she shouldn't have done that and if I wanted she could have bought a better new one. Idk what hurts more O never used it or my mom made take O's which was small as hell. P.s(Sorry English is not my first language)

My ex was jealous of my brother

I had a partner over a year ago. And he has kids. He had told me in the past that I would never be "higher" than his parents or his kids. Which, whatever. But he always made mention of how I did so much for my brother(s), and how all of my free time was given to my brother and my brothers this and my brother that, and buy my brother this and that. My brother and I are very close. He is literally the person I love the most in this world. And my ex one night went on a ramble where he said things like "You're mine, not your brother's, your mother's, or your nephews" "Your brother will get a partner and leave you" "You'll be a hassle to care for" "Your brother comes first and that will always be a problem" "Everyone will marry and leave, so live your life" "You're in your late 20s, move out and let your parents live their lives" My brothers have supported me through so much like no one's business, and my brothers and I love each other very much. Whereas this asshole would ignore me for days on end cause I told him "I like you" instead of "I love you" once when I was drunk. It's not a gross love or anything, I love my brothers and that's it. It's also not sick to the point where I'll stop living my life to tend hand and knee to my brothers. But yes, my brothers will come before any asshole that will cheat on me or dump at the drop of a hat if he gets some new chick.

Clueless dog owners make me upset

I was on a walk this evening with my dog when suddenly across the street I hear a door open and a lady yelling NO! at her dog. Out from behind a car in their driveway comes a boxer mix barreling towards us. I immediately start putting myself between my dog and him. He ends up going around trying to bite at her legs. I feel her slip out of her collar. He’s trying to get behind her to bite at her legs and she keeps spinning around to face him. She’s not biting at him back. She’s just trying to keep him in her sight and paw him away from her. She ends up slipping out of her collar so I grab her scruff making sure to constantly guide her so I’m keeping myself between them. He keeps trying to go from behind. His owner at this point is SLAPPING his butt and yelling stop. This is just pissing the dog off more like what the heck?! The dog would stop and then instead of grabbing his collar and guiding him away she would just yell at him to go back in the house across the street. The dog would then go back to trying to go for my dogs legs again and she would go back to slapping his butt. This happened 3 times, all the while I’m telling her to GRAB her dog (all within the span of maybe 3 minutes but felt like forever) the guy from the house we are in front of is outside at this point helping to stay between my dog and this other dog. He yells at the girl to grab her dog’s collar so she finally does and takes him back to the house while saying she’s sorry. Idk I’m just baffled that she really thought that she could get her dog to stop by slapping his but and then get him back in when he’s obviously focused on my dog by yelling and without grabbing his collar. Her dog clearly was not listening to her so idk what she was thinking. So one dog attack and panic attack later we are home safe. Thanks to my dog being fast on her feet she doesn’t appear to have any wounds just a little shaken up. I’ll be getting pepper spray or something to protect my dog and i on walks at this point.

I'm ugly and I have a small dick and I fucking want to die sometimes

Feelingt undesired, inadequate, feeling the other person finds you ugly Having to do 2 times the social efforts because you have to make up for the fact you are ugly before a girl finds you interesting Having HUGE success with girls online, when they hear only your voice, being flirty super easily, then sending a picture and getting ghosted, I can't count the number of times And when you finally found a girl ? You have a small dick, you can't satisfy her or not in the same way as others, ONCE AGAIN, you have to make up for it, use toys, other things, mouth, fingers, even your fucking "manhood" I got it taken from me, even in fucking BED I can't do it with my own things I'm a fucking useless reject, I write this at 5:30 am, completely drunk, because once again I gathered up my courage and sent a picture because I did cut my hair, I got an evasive answer with 0 compliment I'll tell you, it hurts, it fucking hurts, living this all the time fucking hurts, a lot, a ton lot And knowing that even if I do my fucking best and work out and have a perfect body I'll still have that thing between my leg ? I fucking want to die when I think about it, it depresses me at the higher point, it takes away all my hope, all my hope to be better Yes, ok, physics doesn't matter blah blah blah, and then what ? Physics doesn't matter, okay, then size doesn't matter too ? Cumuling the two is fucking awful and it's my face that is ugly so it cannot be changed I hate my life :) I'm crying in bed at 5 am knowing no one will ever find my body desirable :) Or if they do it won't be for the "good" reasons :) Do you know how hard it is to have domination kinks and feel fucking RIDICULOUS when you tell a girl you are going to do it "hard" because it just feels absurd to say that considering your size ? The fear of her stopping to play the game and telling you it's small at any point ? At any argument ? :) Yeah, I fucking hate this life and the fucking bound that comes with it that we call "physic" and "body" that I cannot change. I hate my life. And as always I won't get any answers because it's taboo, I feel great. Just for figures, my last post where I tell how bad I feel about this and how poorly I've been treated and abused had 2k views and 0 answer :) And I posted it on 3 different subs about venting :) I felt great after that :) Opening up about my traumas and stuff and seeing 2k persons read it and ignore it felt ... Yeah :) I'm not trying to feels guilt, but I think it's understandable that I feel like this :)

I don't love my kids

There. I said it. The thing I have been struggling with for the better part of the last decade. I feel no love for my children. I feel love towards my spouse. I see them and I get a tightness in my chest, a flood of happiness. Hearing them laugh and seeing them smile brings a lightness to me. I feel so intensely protective of them. I know without a doubt I would give my life to protect them. Just being in their presence makes me swell with positive emotions I can not contain. I want to touch them and be affectionate with them. I have never, ever, felt anything even remotely similar towards my children. When they were first born, I was told "The bond will come! Give it time!". Well, it never did. Every kiss on a scraped knee. Every middle of the night comforting after a nightmare. Every good night hug and tuck in have been an act on my part. It feels like I am taking care of someone else's children instead of my own. There is just... nothing there. I've watched my spouse love our kids for years. I am amazed on how misty eyed they get over the kids. How they had so much joy and pride for every milestone. It seems so alien to me. I've tried to work out whatever shit this is in therapy and with a psychiatrist for a couple years now. My latest therapist thinks I may be aplatonic/afamilial and has asked me to explore that possibility for this week's "homework" What if this is just the way I am?

I used to practice making out with my younger brother

When I was about 7-8, I seemed to have a thing for girls and kissing already, I was one of those kids who liked girls at an early age and wanted a kiss and a girlfriend. I was so desperate I used to kiss my pillow. Keep in mind this is when I was 7-8 years old, and I wasn’t sure what was gay and what wasn’t, so one day, I asked my younger 6 year old brother if he wanted to kiss on the lips, and he said sure. We kissed on the lips, and I was like “Now lets try using tongue” and we were making out for three seconds, and since we were tight on money, we were also laying in the same bed. This continued for 2 days or three. Until I eventually stopped and was scared of getting caught, and we never talked about it again. When I was 12 however, my 5-6 year oldcousin slept over, and he was sleep, and I was bored and decided to kiss him, just a quick peck. After that, I realized how wrong I was. I’ve been told I’m a great kisser, So I feel if making out with my brother impacted me or not. I also feel that during the time I was 7, My mom was missing for months along with her boyfriend, which he kidnapped her and then did a drive by in washington, so I needed a family member to show me some love. For the cousin, I can’t explain myself, and If i was to go back in time, I’d never do it.

I just want to feel loved and wanted too

No matter what I do, I’m never enough. I feel I give so much love and kindness into the world, and I get next to nothing back, and it’s making me into a very cold and bitter person. I’m very aware I’m not worth much to those I care about most, and it’s crushing my heart. Why aren’t I enough? What’s so wrong with me?

my great grandma is dying and i’m angry

as the title says my great grandma is unfortunately dying at the age of 99, she’s an old lady now and it’s her time to have peace and finally rest with her husband but i feel alone in this situation. no i am not angry at the fact that she is now in her last moments but am angry with the fact that i didn’t know more of her. my great grandma lives in colombia and my main family lives here in the US so we unfortunately can’t go see her, but she’s met my brother and my father (obviously my mother too) but she never met me. that’s why i’m angry, im the only one in this situation where i cannot grieve like the others and that may seem like a good thing but it isn’t to me. i’m a very sensitive person and i would’ve rather met her before she passes but i can’t. i feel horrible because my one wish is to just meet her and tell her how much i love her although we have never met in person. i feel jealousy whenever i hear her talking to my mother father and brother on the phone because i am AWARE that she doesn’t care about me as much as the others. i just wanna know her more but i can’t.

Today has only made me want to go further into medicine.

I work as an EKG tech currently and I cover all of the hospital aside from day surgery and ER, including any codes that relate to the heart, so I'm often seeing patients that are in various stages of care. The SICU patients I usually see the most of, along with our trauma floor, but I don't tend to see their actual care or any medical procedures aside from when they work a code, and even then I can't see much. Today, I got called up to our trauma floor for a patient that had gotten crushed and their blood pressure was steadily dropping, even with a chest tube in. So, I go up there right as a doctor is putting in a second chest tube on the other side. A few nurses were rushing about the place to get everything she needed, and it was amazing. The doctor was so calm, and people were cracking a few minor jokes here and there (which they usually do anyway from what I see during codes), and doing what they could to get their pressure back up. I don't know, the entire time I was just filled with awe and watched her like a hawk as the doctor worked. I had also gotten to do some EKGS on some great patients today, too. A lot of patients give me some pretty great advice or outlooks on life, even though I only really get to talk with them for just a few minutes. One today, though he had gotten immediately rushed to the cath lab from the ER and then to our trauma floor for recovery, was in great spirits and was chatting away with me as I worked. I absolutely adore this job and this field. I know it's rough, especially when you get a lot of aggressive patients and familys, but I feel so fulfilled every day, even as I'm dog tired. I had been planning on going into lab tech work, but I think I might really push to become a doctor if I can manage it, even if American medical schooling and residency is incredibly rough and difficult. I just really want to keep helping as best as I can. I just hope in a few years that I don't get jaded and cold.

Friend with drinking problem

A good friend of mine F 33, recently lost her job and home due to drinking. She’s basically burned all of her bridges with other friend groups over the years, and her family is extremely upset at her, which is understanding. I’m not sure how to approach this or what exactly to say but she’s about to lose her kid to. She’s basically homeless cause her family won’t take her back in due to all this. A friend of mine’s aunt manages an apartment complex where she used to work and live at, and they found her little girl out at seven in the morning walking around by herself, and when she is letting the kid be in danger is where I draw the line. I’m not sure how to approach her without it coming off as an attack but I’m extremely worried about her well-being.

Idk if I should still be friends with my crush

I (32m) told my friend (27ftm) that I had a crush on them earlier this year and they said they didn’t feel the same way about me. He said we can be friends. It’s been very tough at times though. He has a few mental health problems that he takes meds for and is going to therapy for. He’s also not used to having many cis male friends so there are days where he’s very standoff-ish to me or if he wants to be alone. I do my best to respect his boundaries but it does hurt me a bit when I hear that from him. He doesn’t know it but I have previous trauma with rejection and feeling unwanted. Idk if I’m right or wrong in my thinking but I just want to say it does hurt.

I did good

I'm pinching myself. I got fired last week from an injury. I, then, began doing sales. My first two days, I topped the chart for highest gross sales and replaced the #1 and #2 spots. I just found out that because of these two days, I placed us within the top 10 highest grossing for the week for the entire nation. I'm speechless I've had a history of not believing good things happen to me but the more I work on myself, the more amazing I see I am.

i (14f) am pregnant and my ex (15m) wants to keep it

throw away account for obvious reasons. for the past 2 months, i'd been feeling super duper sick (throwing up, not able to eat certain foods anymore, etc.). two weeks ago, my friend asked me for a tampon after our tumbling class & i realized i haven't had my period in forever. about 3 months ago, i'd hooked up with my ex-bf behind his girlfriend's back after her birthday party. we were both in a really bad place after they got in a fight & sort of just got carried away. i know it's a fucked up thing to do, but i really thought i loved him and he told me he was going to leave her. it was my first time, and i didn't even think about asking to use condoms. i took a test and it came up positive. i told my ex, and he had the absolute weirdest reaction. he didn't freak out or anything, but wants us to keep it and be a "big happy family." he came from a really fucked up household with an abusive dad that he doesn't see anymore, and i think it really messed him up. i feel really selfish bc i don't want to keep it. i don't want to have stretch marks and saggy boobs at 14-years-old. i don't want to give up dance team, tumbling, or theater. i want a normal college experience & i kind of don't want to be stuck w/ my shitty ex for the next 18 years of my life. i think i want an abortion. my parents are super supportive and both think an abortion is the right option, but my ex and my best friend keep telling me i'm killing an innocent life :( it's really hard on me bc i don't want to hurt anyone but i think no matter what i do, i will :( how do i make this decision? it feels impossible TLDR; i (14F) am pregnant, and my ex (15M) wants to keep it. i want an abortion. how do i make the best choice?

I’m tired

I don’t know life just seems bleh. It could be failure on my part and I feel like instead of riding the tide I’m drowning or if I’m on land I’m a fish out of water. Relationships seem bland Sleep seems really good And I’m just waiting till it’s my turn to shine and maybe it’s not maybe my role is just to be a burden and I won’t be anything more. Work. Sleep Work Drink Sleep Work Sleep Work Rinse Repeat I want something more or I want an exit. I know this is a season but I’m ready for a change. Happiness just seems like a distant memory. I’m going to go home Eat and sleep.

Pectus excavatum has ruined my life

I don't know whom to blame, my parents or my fucking luck. I have pectus excavatum. I am 21 years old. previous 3-4 years I did everything I could to fix it by myself as doctor said but it's still there and it's just a nightmarish for me. I did managed to move the bone little outside of my heart that's it. I want to tell you all that hurts me a lot, because of this pectus excavatum, I stopped my martial arts journey. When I was in 11th standard I went to national kickboxing and there in weight in, I felt humiliation which huants me till now. I loved martial arts and because of this curse, I won't be able to do mma because of shirtless. It looks like I have boobs, it feels disgusting everything I see I feel like vomiting. I tried to kill myself and I still think about it. This is not even 20% of the story and problems this has given me. I have to do workout, I don't like doing it but otherwise my mind panicks. I will never able to live my life like the others, I won't be able to have a girlfriend or intimate relationship. I am tired of wearing underarmous beneath T-shirt to make it feel like I have flat chest like normal man. This is the ultimate punishment. I truly deserve to die. One tear coming out of my eye as I'm writing this. I don't think I will be okay after seeing comments or Idk even comments will happen under this post. I just want this thought to be here. I don't talk to anyone about this. My parents are worse, they ignored this problem for 20 years. I had to go to doctors and now finally out of anger, they are considering to go to doctor who is I don't even know can fix it. I mean what's the bloody point? I'm done with life anyways. I want to kill myself. Please God, if you exists, kill me. I pray every night.

A friend of mine commited suicide, due to a video game

Hello dears, i dont know if this is the right topic - but im lost for words. A friend of mine was found dead in his home, and he also blamed video games for his demise in his final note, despite other things of course. but he stated that this certain video game was the final decision, which made him decide to end his life. he thought he could escape real life with this virtual life ... You might assume it´s an online game, where theres a toxic community - but in the note he also stated that it´s also due to the reason, that the developers encourage, tolerate or even support bullying, mobbing and making fun of the opposite side, and give them wins/more points and dont punish that behaviour. years and years the developers didnt care much, and the recent update promised some changes to make it more friendlier. yet they didnt do it. and his reports against racist players (with proofs) were also denied (including streamers), although it was stated in the tos that this is bannable - although bullying in the game is not (like taking players hostage, or just destroy the game for 1 player). unfortunately ingame he was also quite way too often the first target. we always told him, the game is still fun, we are playing it together - so we all die together. but in the end you dont know how people feel inside. beforehand there was another game, which was similar to this - were we all had fun for years. that game was more fair and equal and there was not a toxic community at all, compared to the one above. but this game went downhill, after the server closed and thus we decided to switch to the game above ... now i want to ask, if you had experienced something like this before or want to share your stories. i want to make aware that online gaming can destroy lives, not just virtually, but also real life.

I'm so, so, so fucking glad my husband is alive. I'm also panicking about the medical bills that I know are coming our way.

Things only Americans say, eh? Last year we finally bought a condo in one of the most expensive cities in the US. My husband got a great promotion. I was in a seemingly-very-stable six-figure tech job. Decided we'd update the kitchen from the 70s. Contractually-committed to a $50k renovation. Bought $10k cabinets. Then I got laid off with hundreds of other people at my company. Unemployment is wonderful, but isn't nearly as much as when I was employed. Haven't found another job yet, and was actually hoping to go back to school next year to change careers. My husband got sick this past weekend. Monday we called the nurse's line to ask if we should go to urgent care. We were told to go to the ER immediately. 8 hours, two IV drips, an ultrasound and MRI later, an organ needs to come out. Transfer to another hospital, stay the night. Next day can't operate because levels of something are too high. Today he has the surgery, thank fuck comes out great, but needs to have a secondary procedure tomorrow. Possibly going home tomorrow if he's early on the schedule, but most likely Friday. I'm so, so glad my husband is alive and on the road to recovery. He's the most important thing in the world to me, and I'd pay anything to keep him safe. I'm also absolutely terrified of the bills coming our way. I can't sleep because I'm up all night thinking about losing our home. Thinking about any upcoming expense I can cancel. Thinking about not being able to go back to school. Thinking about how guilty he's going to feel about the money we owe. Thinking about all the fun things we had planned that don't feel possible now. I've already looked; we don't qualify for any financial assistance from the hospital. I can to to negotiate and lower the bills, and his parents are wonderful and mentioned sending us some money to help... But I assume it's still going to bury us. Fully acknowledge I probably shouldn't freak out until we actually get billed, but I'm just paralyzed.

useless coworker

my coworker is useless. she sits at the front desk, doing a crossword puzzle, while the rest of us run around and do everything. the manager asks us to file old paperwork, which is her task for today, and she continues to sit there, doing nothing. she is a waste of space, money, and time. shes a fat fuck and i hope shes miserable for the rest of her life

I don’t think it’s fair my dad died

My dad died in September of 2021. He was 44, no pre-existing conditions, but Covid hit him unusually hard. I was only 20. He was my best friend in the whole world. I was his precious little girl, he still tucked me into bed the night before I left for college. My dad was genuinely the nicest guy ever, he never fought with anyone, he was just, kind. I miss every part of him with my whole being. A lot of my friends have really shitty fathers, their dads are abusive, manipulative, and really REALLY bad humans. It makes me mad. I see my friends dads alive and well all while being the most horrible people to walk the earth but my dad is 6 feet under. It’s not fair. Why did the good dad get taken before the bad dads?

Friend situation

I guess I just need somewhere to vent about this and to get someone else’s opinion on it to know I’m not thinking illogically. I had my friend and her family up to my parents cottage for the 4th of July and my parents agreed to it beforehand, basically the entire time my friend acted as if she was family already (backstory, she’s been up to this cottage multiple times so the comfort level is there) but never when my parents are also there. I got a little frustrated because her kid was sick and she still decided to come (my dad who is 70 was also there) she told me he was okay and fine to come so that was that. I asked my friend to get vodka beforehand to make bloody Mary’s(they are one of her favorite drinks) and when she got there she told me I had texted her “too late” to get the vodka for bloody Mary’s even thought there’s a party store less than 5 minutes away but then asked me how I made mine without vodka considering I had one (my dad let me borrow some before they had come) we get on the boat and she takes up the entire sun area of the boat to lounge in and SO does her husband, the next morning (they spent the night) she poured out 4 keurig cups of coffee for her and her husband without asking my dad (it’s my dads coffee) so basically my parents left and it felt as if the friends I invited pushed them out and it made me feel like absolute shit. I did have a second to ask my dad if we were pushing my mom and him out and he said “well you’re not..” he still was respectful and you’d never would have known he was upset. My dad is finicky but I feel since he’s lived 70 years he’s allowed to be and not asking to have coffee that you did not buy is rude in my opinion and when I had a conversation about this she basically blamed it on the fact that she wasn’t raised “right” and wasn’t aware of this at all. I guess I was shocked by this response and kind of felt it was a cop out and was wondering anyone else’s thoughts on this. My husband said it’s silly because it’s coffee but I feel it’s more the principal and I feel my dad is also upset about how she’s also treating me since the place is not big and he can see it all. Thoughts?

Invisible unless useful

I need to vent and have no idea where else to do it. I (48f) have recently concluded that unless I am serving a purpose to others. I am all but invisible. Perfect example: My birthday was about two weeks ago and other than 2 cards from my husband and a couple HB texts from my kids (both grown with families of their own) & a couple friends, the day and week passed with nothing. I know we live in a world where some people see a text the same as a phone call. I’m fine with that from friends, but family…not so much. I do as much as I can for them. I am more than aware of my past mistakes in life…but I certainly don’t see them as being so bad as to only need me when I can serve a purpose. My Momma used to always say, “You’re gonna miss me when I’m gone.” I guess it’s my turn now. It really sucks realizing that you are the only real family you have left.

I think I found my birth mother

The title is self-explanatory I suppose. I'm not really sure how to feel or what to do, if I do anything at all. For context when I was born I was immediately put up for adoption, and I've been with the same family for my whole life; me, my mom and dad, and two older brothers. Sometime last year I found a baby photo of mine with my birth name, not the name that my adoptive mom gave me but the one I think my bio mom gave me, along with a last name that's hers. I was born in the US but we moved to the UK when I was 8 (I'm 18 now), but I've never worried much about my bio family- until I found the picture with my birth name, I never told my mom about this but I asked if my bio mom had named me and she said yes and replied with the same first name as in the photo. I've dug around before to no avail but today that changed: I found a Facebook account of a woman with my bio mom's name as well as her being from the same town I was born in. I guess I got a little weirded out and scrolled through photos and stuff and she has two kids, and baby pictures of her daughter look so uncanny to mine (though I'm not sure if it's me just hoping that maybe I really did find her). I don't know what to do, I don't think I should reach out despite wanting to since she never really wanted me (the story my mom told me was that she was around 18 when she had me, so I was a bit of a teenage mistake) but I hope it's circumstantial y'know? I'm just scared in case I'm wrong and this woman has some kid messaging her like 'are u my mom' because that's weird as hell... plus she has a family now and I don't want to barge into that and stuff, even if I'm in a different country. PLUS I'm LGBT so maybe she'll not want to talk to me because of that? idk... I just wanted to get that out I suppose. You can reply if you want to I don't mind, I just hope that all made sense. ​

I’m jealous of a cartoon character

So for my whole life I have had a heartbeat kink. I love heartbeats so much when I have a girlfriend I want to listen to her heartbeats so bad. It has always been my dream. When I see a hot girl on the street my first thought is wanting to listen to her heartbeats. So I was watching this show called Bungo Stray Dogs and in season 4 there is this character named Jouno Saigiku. He has superhuman senses and can hear other people’s heartbeats and breathing. He uses it to tell if someone is lying or not. But I want it just to listen to hot girl’s heartbeats on the street. Im so jealous I wish I was him. Even if he is fake he doesn’t know how lucky he is.

He fell out of love with me.

Chasing after someone, having to “remind them” of your worth is the equivalent of your wounded inner child saying, “Just please choose me.” Reminding myself I am safe, I am okay & I love myself enough that it’s ok if I’m not the one they choose.

I may have trans tendencies (?)

As per the title, I (m23) have always been fine with who I am, but have always thought "If I could have chosen I would be a girl". These thoughts have, always, been in my head, alongside being a more androgynous guy in general. I'm not sure if I would identify myself as transsexual, as I do not want to undergo the current available procedures for sex adjustment. This is mainly due to me wanting to be a 100% biological female, and not the best medical approximation of a female available right now. I'm also realtively fine with being a guy and being who I am. I don't look at myself as a guy and think its "wrong" or "not supposed to be like this", yet I still think "If I could I would switch in an instant". I don't feel disgust or hate for my male body, yet I would still prefer to be a women. It doesn't feel wrong to be a guy to me, but I still think being a girl would feel more "right". I don't know if any of this makes sense, I've talked to my girlfriend about this, who is part of the LGBT+ community, and she says its the first time she's heard this position. Anyway I just wanted to get this off my chest and talk about it anonymously, so here we are.

For the first time in my life I feel truly hopeless, and I’ve been very depressed before

For backstory I have a drinking problem (though I’ve gotten sober multiple times recently), weed helps me not drink and my main hobby is gaming. I also have a couple mental illnesses that I take a few medications for, along with medications for physical issues. Don’t want to give too many details but if you read to the end and know me irl you’ll probably figure it out. I could go back years with my issues, but I’ll start by saying I had a successful but stressful career until last year. I quit and was unemployed for months which drained all my savings and had to cash out my 401k. After a few months I found a new job that I was truly happy at and paid decently well. A few months ago I started having an unknown health issue which lead to me being fired even though I had doctor’s notes for all the time missed, and I resorted to doing deliveries to get by. After getting fired my drinking increased heavily which put me in the hospital for a week, but we figured out the issue. I also got sober from alcohol and was properly medicated, though I still got stoned regularly. It helps keep me from drinking and honestly with how lonely I am it gets me by. While I was in the hospital my apartment was broken into and my game consoles were stolen, along with my tv. My issues really start around here. At this time I hung out with an old friend who by the end of the day not only offered to lend me their Xbox but planned to let me rent their basement. I later moved in and have another roommate as well. Things went well at first but I ended up in the hospital shortly after moving in, which put me behind on rent. Roommate claimed to understand but things fell apart fast. I started drinking again when I moved in but got sober after the first hospital visit, but that only lasted like a month. Fast forward to a couple weeks ago. I was worried about being kicked out and roommate said they wouldn’t, but was very rude and had basically no interest in being friends. Then I had a bad fall and injured my head, and was also told to be out by the end of the month. The next day I was in a bad car accident that injured me more, and I no longer have a vehicle. About a week ago I returned to the hospital due to pain from the accident and was there until yesterday. The doctor occasionally gave small doses of Percocet but refused to actually help with my pain due to my “history of addiction” even though I’ve never done hard drugs nor abused medication. He was also very rude and in my opinion sexually assaulted me while trying to “comfort” me. I was sent home with one day’s worth of pain meds, which have run out. I’m laying here still in extreme pain despite being discharged. Financially I am ruined. I literally have less than a dollar in the bank and no other funds. I’ve been sober since the last hospital visit but honestly I probably wouldn’t be if I had money for delivery. My weed got stolen while I was gone and I just realized I haven’t even gotten into the aggression from my roommates. My landlord/roommate took back the Xbox just to be cruel, they don’t even use it. I’m laying here totally sober and with no games, hardly any friends and scared to leave the basement because of roommates. I hate it. I literally don’t know what to do. I know the answer is probably “move to a shelter and find some shit job, that’s called starting over” but I have no desire for that. Contacted some charities and only heard back from 1 so far. I have been hitting up the few family and friends I have for money just so I can afford a joint and some food, which I haven’t done in years. Somehow they’re all “broke” too despite having successful jobs. I don’t even know what the point of this post is. I guess just ranting and maybe advice. I just want to smoke a bowl and play some games with my online friends and I don’t see how that happens again. TLDR: I’m losing my home, lost my car, lost my job, am struggling with sobriety and am running out of food, have no money and am extremely depressed. Forgot to mention I would prefer DMs but will try to respond to the post

Ever since my cat stopped me I haven’t had SH urges

A week ago my cat stopped me from SH, and ever since then I haven’t had a single urge. Before that I didn’t have a urges daily but every now and then it just got too much and I did. But now I’ve been clean for about 3 weeks and haven’t had urges in a month. I’m working on improving my mental health, but sadly my ex-girlfriend and I went no contact so that doesn’t really help. She’s struggling aswel and I hope she’ll get better.<3

I have to choose between two club volleyball teams.

There are two club volleyball teams in my area going on. I don’t want to disclose the villages names but their are both pretty small and are a 15 minute drive apart from eachother. Recently a couple villages/communities had to amalgamate into one municipality these two teams I am trying out for are both in the same municipality. The village of M has the grizzlies and the village of C has the lightnings. Both teams have their own reasons why I would like to play on them. The grizzlies having nice people to play with and a very kind and well experienced coach. The lightings however are being coached by my coaches on my high schools team. I live in the village of C and the lightnings would be a lot more convenient to tryout for but the problem is that half the team has been already “picked out” even before tryouts leaving only another 5 spots left for the 21 people who already signed up for their summer training practices. On top of that the people who want to try out for the lightnings are people I played with on the high school team. They harrassed on the court and cursed me out for making a mistake. They have also left me out during games and practices and have supposedly crowned me “the worst player on the team” along with another girl. I am also just expected to play/ tryout for the lightnings just because of who’s coaching. On the other hand I had signed up for the grizzlies summer training a few weeks before the lightnings were even announced as a team. The coach of the grizzlies had formed the team originally for just boys volleyball 3 years ago but recently found another coach for a girls team. They just had their first night of training tonight and it went great. The other players there were super nice and just laughed off the mistakes and the coach gave tips when you needed them. The practice was well organized and put together which was way different then practices on the high school team. The coach was also very friendly to me right off the bat considering half the players there played on his team the season before and he also told me that I should tryout for both teams but he would love to have me play on the grizzlies. I am seriously considering both and saying pros and cons. I just don’t want to make anyone mad at me or disappointed. Also I am unable to go to both training nights since they are both on wednesday nights.

My wife openly cheats on me just because I'm bi

Me (34m) and my wife (32f) has been married for 7 years. Since she found out that I'm bi and can't deal with the feeling that I find men attractive as well. She has asked for some space for her to talk and flirt with other men to explore her options, but we promised that we won't break up the family. (We have 2 kids, 13f & 4m) I'm always submissive to her needs in the relationship so I said yes, seeing how heartbroken she is that I can't seem to stop taking a quick glance at men when we go outside. We've never cheated on each other though so I thought this would be just a break for us to calm down and we can work things out after. It hasn't been like that at all. It's been 3 months since the decision. She talks to many men on her phone all day and found one she likes the most. She'd start going out with friends at night and end up calling him to pick her up to drive home (to me.) I didn't mind it at first because she, at last, stopped nitpicking me about me liking men and would talk to me a lot less. I enjoyed it a little bit not gonna lie, because before she would nag nag nag me about every little thing. And I like spending time with the kids more than with her, so it's fine, I can look pass it. However, it's gotten worse. She's obsessed with this guy. They'd talk until 4-5am every night and she'd stay in bed until 12-2pm, wake up, eat dinner and back to the phone. She stopped helping out around the house in every single way. Housechores are now my responsibility and sometimes my daughter helps. Driving and picking up kids from school is also me. And i'm currently the sole breadwinner of the house, so basically she did NOTHING but talk to guys all day. Sometimes they'd meet up with this #1 dude that she likes and she'd say she's gonna meet friends. I have my ways for sleuthing so I know she regular visits him every week and I know for a fact that they've fucked, multiple times, in OUR family car. The kids have started to distance themselves from her too. Not intentionally but they've grown closer to me and my daughter would sometimes vent about her with me on how her mom is so lazy nowadays. My son would almost ALWAYS choose to play with me rather than my wife. She have changed into this immature high-schooler who only thinks about boys and nothing about the future. Whenever I confronted her about this, she'd just say that she's doing this because I'm gay and lie to my face that she never met up with any of the guys she talks to. I'm worried about the future. I don't know how this would be a functional family anymore. She's going in deeper and I don't see signs of stopping. Divorce is out of the question because she owns the house, her family has more power than me (daddy's rich af) and we're building a new bigger house that we're gonna move in next year. I have talks with my father-in-law (who's rich af, I cannot stress how rich he is, goddamn) about starting a business together with the 3 of us as well. And most of all, I'm not sure I can fully support 2 kids without the help of my father-in-law. My action right now is I can continue to stay in the marriage and just mutually agree that we take care of the kids together and we don't have to be in love. She can do whatever she wants but she won't have it if I have an affair of my own. She'd go crazy and divorce me for real because she and her family has all the power. I don't even WANT an affair. I just love my kids so much that I don't wanna be separated with them. They're my world. I just don't see a way for things to get better, only worse.

I like having brothers.

I (18) have two step brothers, (18 and 21), I also have two other brothers (15 and 2) but they aren't important to what I'm writing rn. I work with my older stepbrother and today I kind of shocked him because I was in so much pain, from lady problems and he was so concerned and it made me feel bad for scaring him. He was still shocked when I said that I was crying because of the pain. I finished work tonight at 10pm, I was expecting my stepdad to pick me up but to my surprise it was my step brothers. As we were going home, the younger one asked me if I wanted anything to eat because he was going to McDonald's, I told him that it's fine and I don't want anything. He kept asking and asking if I was sure, I told him that I would feel like I have to pay him back, he said it was fine but I told him that I didn't want anything. He asked me again at the drive through and I again said no. It felt nice to actually be asked if I wanted anything because no one does and it made me feel like someone actually cares about me and not when I'm going to pay them back. Just feeling this way is making me want to cry.

Can anyone provide any advice 😭?

I’m from the UK and I’ve just finished high school (I’m still quite young haha) and I was supposed to join the army in September but I failed the assessment to get in. So I had no idea what to do to next, I have no interests (which is really bothering me bcuz I’m trying new things to get into but I haven’t found my thing yet), BUT I applied for an IT course in college which I have no knowledge about and little to no interest in. What I’m asking is.. do I just go with the flow and figure it out or do I find out my type of thing now before it’s too late? Btw I’m so worried about starting my IT course because everyone else seems to know what their doing with IT bad I have absolutely no idea and I feel I won’t catch onto it😢😢 I feel doomed.

I had no idea my dog had a massive tumor in his abdomen

Last week, my dog got super sick- vomiting a lot, no appetite, lethargic. This has happened before so I thought it was normal. But on Saturday, he was too weak to stand up, and I knew something was wrong. I had to carry him to my car so we could go to the vet (which was hard because he's 70 lbs). I thought it might be a problem with his liver, I had no idea it was so serious. He's 13, but he still had so much energy. I get to the vet, they run some testing on him, and they told me the most heartbreaking news I could have heard. He has a large tumor on his spleen. It had ruptured and caused internal bleeding, and he was in critical condition. We would either have to do very risky surgery or put him down. My family decided because of his old age, it was best to put him down. It's been the hardest couple of days without my buddy, and I feel so guilty that he probably had that tumor for months and I didn't know. I've been watching videos of him being the cute little guy he is to cheer myself up, but I miss him being with me. I've had him since I was 9 years old, and I'm 23 now. It's weird that when I wake up, he's not scratching at the door for me to let him outside. Yesterday I found a piece of his fur in my car and I just started sobbing. I love him so much. Rest in peace to my little buddy (who was not so little), Nugget. tl;dr: my dog had a tumor in his spleen, and we had to put him down. I miss him very much.

WHY DOES MY CAT LIKE LAYING ON THE SIDE TABLE

I feel like im going crazy. I have two grown cats, while I was in college they were with my parents and just last month I was able to move them into my apartment. My one cat, for some fucking reason, has been spending most of his time laying on my shitty side table in the living room. Its a little fold out table I got when I moved in and needed a make-shift desk. Its plastic, its cheap, yet he LOVES it. I'll be sitting on the couch, WHERE THERES ROOM FOR HIM and look at him like hes insane. Hes doing it now, I turned to him and was like "WHY?" And he just stared back at me like I personally insulted him. Ive picked him up off the table and each time he climbs back up there!! There are so many comfy places for him, MY APARTMENT IS CARPETED FOR CRYING OUT LOUD YET HE SLEEPS ON THE LITTLE SHITTY PLASTIC TABLE!! What the hell is WRONG with this little man!!!

My friend was ready to cheat on his partner for me

It's almost 4am but I'm so shaken up by what just happened that I can't rest easy, so I'll go straight to the point. My friend (20M) and I (20F) used to have a thing for each other. I know he had a crush on me at some point, which was unrequited because we barely knew each other at the time. He then fell out of love but we became very close. Good friendship and making-out from time to time. Then, I was the one who fell for him, but it was automatically unrequited because he was in love with someone else, so I didn't even try. Long story short, he's now dating the person but, tonight, he asked me how I'd feel if we were to have something between us again. At first, I was "cool" with it, just worried that it was an impulsive choice and that he'd regret leaving his current partner just because he finds me pretty, which is something I told him. I told him that it wasn't worth it to leave his partner just to make out (and maybe even more as he suggested) with me one more time. But he wasn't actually planning on leaving them. &#x200B; Here's a part of the convo : Me: You're in a relationship and all so it's a bit awkward i guess ? Him: Which is why I said I'd be willing to try at least once (the making out or more) but yeah. Sorry if this made you uncomfortable actually, should've thought about that earlier. Me: It didn't make me uncomfortable. Stressed out, but not uncomfortable \[...\]. But how would you do that (the making out) if you're in a relationship with them ? Him: Like how in technical terms ? Well, it would be tricky, because we'd have to find a place where no-one can see us. Me: Don't tell me you were ready to cheat on them. Him: I didn't say that, Nastya. Me: Well, how am I supposed to understand it ? As much as I'm attracted to you, I'd never do that to your partner. Him: I don't know how it originally played out in my mind, but I do know that, for some reason, it wasn't considered as cheating because it would have happened only once and it would have been to make things clear. But it's a bit silly maybe Me: Still cheating, hell no. Him: Definitely actually. Me: That's fucking cheating. What's going on ? Like, what made you think that way ? Please, reflect on this. Him: I actually have no idea. I'm sorry, I don't know what happened. Me: You love them and I'm just some chick you find attractive, it's not worth it. Him: I don't know what came over me. Probably just night thoughts, right ? Yep, just that and nothing else. I'm so sorry. God, why did I say all that. Why am I like this. Me: Dunno, cheating on your partner are weird night thoughts. Listen, I think you're just lost. You need to think and to calm down, too. To make it short, I then told him to go to sleep and that he should take a break from both his partner and me for a few days. Honestly, as I'm writing this, I realise how much it sounds like the problem of a high-schooler. It's so silly, and yet, it shook me pretty badly. I already feel a little better, though. Also, it's not *really* the first time it happened ? At some point, this time IRL, he was flirting with me pretty hard. When I decided we should talk about it, thinking I romantically had a chance with him after all, he told me he was just testing himself to see if he was still attracted to me, and said that he wasn't (*well that aged poorly*). He genuinely seems remorseful, which is why I told him to take a break from the both of us. We also talked about the possibility of him being poly, but he's pretty sure that he isn't. He's in love with his partner and he's attracted to them, but he's also physically attracted to me. I just hope he'll take the time to gather his thoughts. He's a great guy, but he fucked up big time. Woah, I really feel much better, now. Good luck to the souls who will read this, if anyone will (I wouldn't). Honestly, when I started writing this, I was hurt, but now, I'm fine. If anything, this whole situation will probably help me to fully move on. (also, english isn't my first langage, so i'm sorry if it was jarring to read lol)

Roommates fake girlfriends

So I live in a halfway house in Hawaii. Anyway, most of us here are in recovery and we are all felons. One of the new gang members in the house is always trying to flex and make likes he's the man. He has to be alpha and superior in every way. I'll be honest none of us here have girlfriends and females hardly ever come to the house. I've been noticing lately that he likes to announce to everyone that he's got multiple women and shows off pictures and talks for hours in the common areas of the house to said women for hours in what I believe is an effort to make us all think he is cool. The thing is, I have on multiple occasions overheard things like " babe, I will get the target(or sometimes apple) gift card to you when I get off work " and so the first time I tried to be a good roommate and tell him the obvious truth. That he is being gamed. His rebuttal has usually been being mad at me or calling me a hater when in fact i just try to tell him that no reasonable woman who is into is going to demand for you to pay her in apple/target gift cards. I told him that if he actually met up with them in person and went on a date that would be a totally understandable gesture but to pay women you haven't even met and never will while acting cool doing it is really driving me nuts Should this annoy me as much as it does? I don't have a current gf but the mother of my children is a 10 and I have no intention of showing her off or anything else. Perhaps its just the living with all walks of life former addicts that is the issue here but I'm not too sure. As I write this he has the phone on speaker talking to a woman he hasn't and never will meet like he's a boss and I couldn't make this shit up but Literally as I'm writing this he is reading off the back off a target gift card. Am I just an asshole or is this guy a Clown? What do you guys think ?

I don’t want to care for myself anymore

I have type one diabetes. I was diagnosed at age 9 and have had this about 14 years now and every. Single. Day. It’s a struggle. I know I should care more, that I shouldn’t let this thing get to me, but that’s nearly impossible because you have to measure everything and have to make sure that the scales are always balanced so you don’t drop to low or shoot too high. I’m tired. I just want to feel normal and eat without having to remember to measure and do medication right after. I want to have a better immune system. I want to not have scars and marks where I have to do my medicine. I want to feel healthy and feel like I’m not going to die just from eating something like a sandwich or god forbid a small amount of ice cream. I don’t want my medication to cost hundreds of dollars. I don’t want to stab my finger tips every few hours and stab my stomach for medicine. I have a fatigue with this disease and I just don’t want to care anymore. Im tired.

I Use to Catfish My Best Friend...... this is long

I used to catfish my best friend. This is something I have told no one, and while I am not proud of it now, at the time. It felt so thrilling. So, good. The first few times it happened, it happened at the start of our friendship, before we were best friends. It was a new budding friendship and I actually did it more about of revenge than anything. You see, he kind of mislead me into believing me that he was interested in me as more than friends. Can you see where this is leading? I was so unexperienced when it came to relationships, dating, sex etc. I was raised in freaking purity culture. Of course, I was messed up. So, when he and I started to talk to one another, and he started to act interested, like he wanted to be more than just friends and we was going to date and be in a relationship. Of course I believed him, trusted him, thought he was going to be a man of his words. And it seemed like he was going to hold true to his words. Now, of course I made the big mistake of sleeping with him before he took me on an actual date. I slept with him a few times actually. But he kept promising it was going to happen and I believed him. Like I said I was new to this, I had done the whole "kissed dating goodbye" and "waiting on God" crap for 20 something years. I was stupid when it came to relationships and never thought a guy would lie to me just to get in my pants. Boy, was I wrong. So, I believed him when he pretended to be interested in me more than friends, and make it seem like the goal was a relationship! It was close to Halloween, and we made plans to go out to a party. I was so excited and hyped. I went out bought a costume. We were making plans all week, talking about our costumes and where we was going to eat. The only thing we didn't talk about was what time we should meet. He kept putting that off. Telling me he would know more when it got closer to Saturday. Well, Saturday came and I kept waiting to hear from him. I knew the party started at 8, and I honestly didn't expect to hear from him until after noon, because I never did. But by 3, I still hadn't heard from him. So, I shot him a message, because I needed to know what time to meet for dinner and needed time to get ready. He did not reply for a good 20 mins, and then it was really short. Almost like "why are contacting me"? I didn't ask about time or anything at first. Just wanted to get a feel for things because something didn't seem right. So instead of asking him what time he wanted to meet up, I asked him what he was doing. And he replied in away I never expected. He basically said that he was getting ready for the party because his date was driving down Cleveland and would be there in about an hour. I could feel my heart sink. He had lead me to believe for a month, and up until the night before I was his date. We had everything planned out from where we was eating, to where we staying after the party. And literally talked about no more than 24 hours earlier. And this whole time he was talking to someone else, trying to get her to come and go with him. Here is the thing, he had been talking to her online for a good two months and trying to get her to come and meet him. And well the night before she finally agreed to do so. He didn't plan on that happening it just did. And now that she's coming into town he was going to go with her, not me. He didn't think twice about telling me this and it didn't bother him that it hurt me. Actually, he acted as though it shouldn't bother me and he couldn't understand why I was so upset and kind of found that "crazy" and "stalker like". That's what he told. me. So basically, he broke my heart, and I didn't go out to dinner, or the Halloween party. The costume I bought and the money I spent to prepare for the date. Down the drain. I was so hurt. So very hurt. I really liked him. I didn't hear from him after that night for a good two weeks. No texts, no messages nothing. I seen all his posts on Myspace etc. So I knew what he was doing. But I didn't reach out to him, and he didn't to me. Then after about two weeks he contacted me and just you know acted like nothing happened. Like everything was cool. He was still seeing this other girl and loved to talk about her to me. It's like he either didn't realize he hurt me, or he didn't care and liked rubbing it in my face. She lived far away, so it wasn't like she could juts pop in and do something with him whenever she wanted to. Then one Saturday afternoon I was bored. Still heartbroken over how he treated me and I decided to have a little fun of my own. That's when I made my first fake account. It started with a dating account, to lure him. And it worked. He was still on dating sites looking for hook ups. Once I got him hooked on there, I had to make a fake Myspace account to make me look legit. I then flirted, talked with, and basically made it look like I was interested. Then I sat up a date with him. Told him where he could meet me, and of course never showed up. Then I ghosted him, and deleted my accounts. I loved the feeling! But in the end I didn't get to see the results. At the time he and I were not that close so he wasn't telling me about the women he was talking to online, or meeting. So, I waiting a few weeks and did it again. This time though, I didn't delete my account after I stood him up. I made up an excuse as to why I wasn't there and made new plans to meet him. The second time I pretended to be there and accused him lying to me. So I had him send me a picture. When he did and I saw he was really there I ghosted him. I guess you could say I was kind of giving him a taste of his meds. Eventually Halloween party girl got tired of him and moved on. I would say leaving him single but they never actually dated. Just hooked up a few times. At least she didn't see it as them dating. And after they broke up he and I started to actually hang out in person (no hooking up anymore) and doing things together. And while at first it was with groups of people eventually it just became the two of us. We became attached at the hip. Of course just as friends. It was very clear he wanted nothing more and while I pretended I was on the same page, stupid me wasn't. Deep down there was still that hope. Hope that he would change and become a better a man, and see me for how wonderful I am. Which means I became very co-dependent on him like most Christians (esp women) become. But I stopped catfishing, for a while. Actually several years. During this time he didn't date or look for anything serious. He would hook up with women. That bothered me but I knew it wasn't going anywhere, they were one night stands nothing more. So, I didn't fret. But after several years of this he decided he wanted more. More than just casual hook ups. He still wanted sex but he wanted some kind of connection. So he started looking for more. And I was hit with the jealous bug and it started to kill me on the inside when he went out on dates. I was even going on dates with different guys. But I was so dependent on him it didn't matter who I went out with, they never measured up (even though he wasn't a good person to measure up too. Seriously he wasn't). That's when I remembered how I use to catfish him, and it started again. But this time. I could get inside information from him. Every time he would meet someone and things seemed like it was going to get serious. I would make up fake accounts to start online relationships with him on. Sometimes even making up a couple at time, and engage in online battles over him with the real girl he was talking to and my two fake accounts. I, myself, never got involved in any of these fights. I stayed out of them. Cause I thought that would make it look too obvious that it was me. But man I would put on a fight as my catfish lady(s). I pretty much ended a lot of relationships for him, before they ever got truly started. I caused him some serious drama. And all the real girls who he was interested in ended up seeing and believing he was a cheater and "ladies man". Eventually, those "feelings" I had for him. Went away. I don't know if I just started seeing him for who he really is or what. But I stopped caring who he was hooking up with, or trying to date etc. So, I stopped catfishing him. Which was actually a lot to put up with. It was stressful keeping up with names, ages, where they lived what they did. And then the worry of getting caught and losing him. OMG imagine if I would have lost his friendship. If he would have found out. Then I would have looked crazy, because it was crazy! Very crazy. Do I regret doing this? Nah, not one bit. As much as I love him as a friend now, and NOW would never do it (we are no longer BFF's just friends who talk every now and then). I would not change anything I did in the past. Especially, the first couple of times I catfished him. Sometimes it's good for people to know how it feels to be treated, how they treat others.

Start a business?

How would you start a business if you feel like you won’t be supported and you have alot of people who genuinely dislike you?

I'm a shitty older brother and I feel like I've failed

My Brother (21m) and I (25m) have had our ups and downs throughout our lives. When we were younger, we hated eachother. He would follow me around, copy everything I did and just stayed on my back 24/7. Until I finally had enough and distanced myself. We fought, we argued. We had days of not speaking to eachother, like most siblings do. Later in life, however, we became closer. We would laugh at the same memes and just say dumb shit to make the other one laugh. A pretty good relationship, again like most siblings do. None of that is the cause of this confession. My brother is 4 years younger than me. He's done 2 years of college, he's a professional photographer, and he has bought his dream car. Me? I dropped out of college. I work in a smoke shop. I have a malibu and I'm barely scrapping by. An older brother is supposed to be the one you call when you need help. An older brother is supposed to be the guy that teaches you about cars. About surviving college. All of that. Tonight, I was changing the oil in my car and had to ask him to help me. And then rather than just doing what I asked, he decided to do it all himself. Like I was helpless and needed him to do it for me. There is nothing I have done in my life that would make my brother think he could call me if he ever needed help and I feel like an absolute failure.

I’m at the end

I honestly don’t know where to turn, and there’s been a lot going on in my life. And im at the point where I have zero friends to talk to and my therapist ghosted me. I’ve been depressed since childhood. There hasn’t been a time where I haven’t been depressed. I literally cannot handle this anymore. Money is so stressful and im constantly in the negatives. My boyfriend broke up with me over my mental health. Im in a weird spot between homelessness and staying with a friend. My car has been broken down for well over a month. I just feel like nothing EVER goes my way. I just want it all to stop. No one at my job likes me, literally any job I get. No one likes me and tries to run me out/ or get me fired. Im seriously so sick and tired of all the negativity in my life and it’s genuinely annoying at this point. Because im probably one of the brightest people to be around. I don’t mope around and make sure me that everyone knows that im sad, im pretty up beat and I make everyone laugh or smile. I try to anyway. I just feel so alone and that im just a waste of space. It’s honestly really draining at this point and one of my coworkers decided to leave a nasty review about me and it was the breaking point. Im always on drugs or drunk now in hopes that it’ll kill me at some point. I don’t care about anything and the only thing keeping me here is my dog. My plan would be to take my dog to my moms and then end it all. Like I cannot handle this anymore. Life is too much and I don’t want to be here. I just can’t. There’s no reason. I serve zero purpose in anyone’s life. The sun will rise tomorrow.

I feel completely led on

Last week my girlfriend said she needed a break because she isn’t in a good place mentally. Which is fair enough i want what’s best for her mental health. However, the way she spoke and phrased it made it seem like this “break” is going to be permanent. So far we’ve been completely no contact. but then she said she “didn’t know what she wants and still doesn’t”. Which makes me feel like all those things she said and did were just a little experiment on me to see if she was ready to date or not. It was so sudden. I would have never expected it from the way she acted towards me. We only dated for two months so it could be a lot worse, however we were friends for 9 months beforehand so i haven’t just lost my girlfriend, i’ve also lost a really close friend. i’m only 17 so i know i still have plenty of time and plenty of people to meet. but i can’t imagine any of them being like her. I’m so hurt, confused, angry and upset but i feel like my friends have had enough of me complaining so now i’m here because i still have so many overwhelming feelings.

I don't like being gifted expensive things.

Title. I was recently gifted something nice by my mom, and while I appreciate the gift, I don't want to be given this type of things. I feel like someone else is taking a piece of their effort to give me something that I feel ashamed of getting. I told her it wasn't necessary, but at the same time, I didn't want to be mean. I don't know, man; I just like to work for the stuff I want, because I don't want to be as spoiled as I used to be. That is it. Thanks for listening to my internet shit-dumping.

I feel like a horrible wife

My husband (M,27) and I (F,28) have been together almost 7 years and married for 2. About 4 years ago my libido became nonexistent, seemingly overnight. And since then I almost never want to have sex. Most of the time when my husband tries to initiate, it makes me so anxious and I turn him down. We do have sex infrequently when I force myself to, for him. But normally I feel discusting thinking about it or trying to get myself in the mood. I typically have to be drunk to not feel anxious or gross during sex. He is so kind and understanding, but I know he's frustrated and feels neglected. I am very much in love with and attracted to my husband. I love physical touch and kissing. But I find myself recoiling because I don't want him to get the idea that I want anything more than cuddling or kissing. I have spoken to my last 3 doctors about it. But all my bloodwork has come back normal and they just brush me off. THIS CANNOT BE NORMAL. I'm a newlywed in my 20's WTF. Not sure what to do anymore and I feel like I'm spiraling into a deeper and deeper depression. I feel broken and like a horrible wife.

I can't trust anyone

I don't really know what's spuring on my paranoia. But I am feeling intensely distrustful and self-loathing. I don't understand why most of my life has been me needing to be perfect and mature. And as a 22 year old seemingly 80% of people of all ages still act in malicious and toxic ways for seemingly no reason other than learned and accepted habits. It makes me not want to interact with anyone, period. I hate it. Nobody can be trusted to act decently. And I'm doing the worst thing possible, posting my supposed mania on a forum to be consumed. I just want to be treated decently, and to be able to not get constantly fucked over or sold hollow platitudes. Why am I here?

dreadibg my birthday

it’s my birthday in 2 days and I’m dreading it. I asked my friends like a month ago if we could get a meal together at a Wagamama’s. Nobody really raised any issues then. I’ve like been chasing people up to see if they can still make it. They all basically avoided giving me a definitive answer or said they could. My birthday is in two days. And they’ve all but one bailed on me. I just wanted to have a nice birthday and have a nice meal for once. Spend sometime with them all. I had a shit birthday last year, everyone forgot/was to lazy to do jack shit, all my closest friends and family are in a different country. I can’t spend it with them. I thought I had settled and found a good group. I guess wrong. I just wanna go home. I don’t even know where that is anymore. I just feel so lost and out of place. And like every friendship i made up here is a lie.

my (f23) boyfriend (m32) is cheating on me i can feel it.

just what the caption says… no hard proof, only instincts.

Fuck Comic Con. Your making it impossible to get a hotel and you have made the MOTEL 6 Like 300 dollars. Fuck Comic Con

Why do people want to go to this shit anyway looks super over crowed and it looks like everyone is going to be smelling everyone else’s body odor.

My mother's ex got into gangs and it's causing hell

I(16F) am legitimately scared for my half brother's(20M, we'll call him Lonnie)and his younger half sister(F5, We'll call her Kat) lives. My mother's(40F) ex husband(42M) was arrested for selling cocaine a few months ago. He had a prospect jacket meaning he was going to be initiated into a motorcycle gang. If you don't know they usually murder the person if they don't go through with the initiation. My mum got a scam call from someone pretending to be a social security worker (my halfbrother is autistic and we are trying to get disability for him). The call went straight to voicemail and we thought we lost the chance of getting disability for Lonnie so we went to the office and they said they never sent my mum a call. Kat's mum got a call a few hours later saying that they were doing a survey for in coming kindergartners, and the person calling was the same voice, with the same name. They keep asking things to Kat's mum like "Where does she go to school?", "What's her favorite food?", "When's her birthday?" "What's her favorite animal." Kat's mum didn't answer any of these questions, she just hung up. I'm scared knowing what their father got involved in, and because he is in jail... I'm scared they are trying to take it out on his kids. I don't want to see either Lonnie or Kat die. What do I do?

I’m still angry that my mum hasn’t suffered any consequences to what she did to us and wish I could tell her new family.

I actually have a relatively okay TikTok following and I have posted videos then taken them down exposing her as I just know she will claim “defamation” so I’m going to let loose here. Context wise, I’ve always had a strained relationship with my Mum even as a kid. I used to put up with so much emotional abuse because she threatened to cut off my dad , bro and rest of the family from me. I was always viewed as the black sheep as I didn’t conform to how she wanted me to look and act - even though I wasnt a rebellious child. So just to make clear this hasn’t been us turning on her suddenly. What she did to my Dad, was really the final nail in the coffin. To start it off, last December my mum cheated on my Dad with a colleague during an Xmas party - not a full blown affair but a fumble in a graveyard (yep … a graveyard. that’s where she was on my dad’s “find my friends”). In our town because it’s near all the bars that’s where some people go to get cozy. The guy was engaged with a baby on the way at the time. We didn’t find out about this till May time on a Sunday as my dad dealt with it on his own. I had my dad call in the morning saying my mum had told him she wanted to leave him after nearly 30 years together. The day after the full payment had gone through for her boob job…. About a week before she had announced this, she got the house reevaluated (in front of my Dad ) to see how much money she could get before leaving him. She tried to convince him to sell the house a few months before so they could purchase a flat and house to renovate as she had the plan to leave dad and move into the flat. She admitted this to me and other family members. Over that time too, she encouraged my Dad to enjoy his pension money to which she encouraged them both to purchase Audis, a holiday to Sicily in the August (already gone to Lapland in the Feb) and for her to get a boob job. Her original plan, which she has admitted to several people, was to leave my Dad at the end of that year and I think she was planning to get a nose job too. Basically wanted to rinse him before divorce money dividing. Not gonna lie, at first, me and my bro thought she was having a breakdown, but we soon did discover she’d been planning to screw my dad over for a while. She said she would make up lies about myself and my Dad so that we’d lose our jobs if her boob job did not happen, because i called the hospital concerned they were letting it happen when this was all going off. Boob job did happen. My mum also claimed to different people different timings of when she “fell out of love with Dad”. Some people she said Christmas, another one she claimed was on my wedding day, which I believe was said to try and ruin memories of my special day. I found out after everything settled, that my dad wasn’t actually allowed friends of his own or to go out. I always thought he just didn’t want to. She used to control everything even the fact she didn’t like him smiling in photos. I found out so many arguments that he backed her on he had no idea about the full story to it. He’s still devastated about how much she emotionally abused me and my bro. When the divorce started last year, my Mum was l difficult. She emotionally blackmailed myself and my bro that if we did not speak to her, she wouldn’t be reasonable to dad. I cut contact with her after standing my ground and she ended up with a much larger stake of the house money because she left my dad’s pension alone. Both me and my bro are adults so she doesn’t have any dependents. As the town we live in is small you’re able to hear about what she’s up to. More recently I’ve heard she’s now moving in with a widower in a brand new house and flaunting it online. She’s posting pics with her “new family” as such as the guy has a daughter and mum. Told someone we know it’s the “happiest she’s ever been”. Don’t get me wrong my dad has a new girlfriend now and is processing the fact he’s a lot more free and happier. But I feel so much anger - firstly the fact she never got any consequences for how she treated me growing up. The second is the fact she massively screwed over my dad and she ended up better off and happier. I wish I could tell the new family but I know I will end up the villain.

My teeth are falling apart

I'm only 20 and there are huge cavities in my teeth. I did not have bad oral hygeine or diet, but I had a period of illness where I would throw up a lot which I think resulted in this. I am so upset about this whole thing honestly. I feel super disgusting and dirty and God i'm so scared to go back to the dentist. I can't take my mask off anymore as I don't want people to see the side of one of my tooth. I'm literally so upset.

Chicken or the egg and also the God question

The egg was first because birds came from dinosaurs. God, well. God doesn't exist, God ( at least the OT God that everyone is obsessed with ) is/was a selfish insecure God and would never have stand for morons worshipping the elderly Florida man like Jesus himself. There is no God no Devils making people do bad things . Only people doing bad things, and some people doing good things.

Searching for healing and guidance

I don’t really speak on my problems a lot to my friends and family simply because I don’t want to feel like a burden and nobody really understands what I am going through at this point in my life. I F(22) will be 23 in a few days and still feel very stuck with my life and not knowing exactly what I want to do. I’m looking back at my life and with my birthday coming up I can’t help but feel so stuck and having a tough time finding guidance in what’s my purpose. One year ago I moved out of my apartment if two years and back in with my grandparents because I was struggling financially and wanted to finish up my last year of undergrad without having to stress about huge bills. But I can’t help but be disappointed in myself at times because I feel like I was in a better position a year ago then I am now and although I’ve grown a lot mentally I can’t help but beat myself up about everything. Life has just been so hard for me right now and I don’t think anybody truly understands how I feel at this moment in my life right now. I’m working at a job I absolutely hate until I move because I made the decision that I am moving Texas in a few weeks to better my mental health and get my life back on track. But every optical seems to constantly get in the way. I’m also a seamstress and have a small clothing business but constantly feel no motivation to do anything because I’m in a environment that does not motivate me to create. But I am grateful for where I am at in my life right now. I have a roof over my head, and living rent free, while still making a decent income to support myself. But I also can’t help but to constantly feel down and disappointed in my life.

Crush at Work

I just gotta get my thoughts out so I decided to do it here. I started a new job 6 weeks ago. I M24 work with primarily women around my same age. Now this isn’t an issue at all but one of them stands out above the others. This incredibly beautiful girl that kinda checks all the boxes. Boxes I didn’t even knew existed before meeting her. Now I may be 24 but I haven’t had much experience when it comes to being with folks let alone having crushes. Just not someone that tends to like people enough to use language like I am. Last crush crush I had was my freshman year of college 4 years ago. I have had a gf since then but I didn’t even really like like her once I realized that I ended it after two months. Haven’t been on a relationship since then and that was 2 years ago. All the women I work with are beautiful as all women are, but this girl stood out immediately with her overall vibe, again I didn’t really think much of it since I don’t normally get crushes like that. But It all started a few weeks ago at a work event where we played a game and I was on her team and we made eye contact and her eyes were just so beautiful. Then everything just kinda clicked. Since then I’ve kinda been embarrassed to be around her or talk to her. Now I am a big over-thinker hence I kinda wanted to just get my thoughts out. So I tend to over think all the things I do or say when around her. Now I don’t really know everyone yet so whenever I really speak to anyone I don’t really know them that well so to me I come across as awkward I am sure I don’t really come across that way but I digress. Anyway today we were having a really great conversation and then she drops the “my boyfriend” now I should mentioned I never once thought she had a crush on me back nor did I ever expect anything to ever happen. Honestly I just still think she is a really cool person and I still wanna get to know her. She seems goofy, she’s artsy, beautiful, and just overall really cool. Just tough to process this because I have never really felt this way about a girl before and I am kinda excited to learn from it. Her overall vibe consists of the artsy girl with tattoos doesn’t take themselves too seriously, very energetic and extroverted that doesn’t mind getting dirty like with bugs and stuff and just overall seems like she knows who she is and a mix of little things like her smile, laugh and whatnot. I didn’t feel like sitting down and writing this in my journal so I came to the next best things good ol Reddit. Great place to just get some stuff off your chest. And then move on I have just been thinking about all of this and wanted a place to organize the thoughts I have been having and maybe I can stop thinking about it so much.

Was I getting r*ped the whole time?

CW: Mention and detailed description of possible rape, sexual traumas, mentioning self harm I spent 6 years of my life in a toxic abusive relationship. We became a couple when I was 14. The first 4 months were perfect, he was caring and loving. But he started talking about another girl. He was obsessed with her, telling me how much he loves her, how much he would like to be with her instead of me and marry her one day. I couldn't do anything, I just stayed and listened, being scared of losing the first person who loved me. (I came from a traumatic and abusive situation from before and I didn't think anyone else could love me.) I checked their messages at some point, they were doing sexual roleplays and sent hearts to each other all the time. It was heartbreaking and I was suffering, but I was obsessed with the idea that if I lose him, no one else will love me. There was a weekend when my mom wasn't at home. I thought about calling him over to watch something and eat snacks. He refused, telling me he already has plans for the weekend, which was visiting this girl. The weekend came and he messaged me, frustrated, saying that something came up nd she's busy so he can come over. He arrived, angry and pissed, I wanted to hug and kiss him to calm him down. It quickly ended up with us making out, with him still being frustrated. He started touching me, then tried sliding his hands into my pants. I wasn't comfortable with that, I wasn't ready. I just liked the hugs and kisses and wanted to stay at that. Tried to pull his hand out of my panties, but I couldn't, he was too forceful. I ended up giving in and we had unprotected sex. I cried after being scared of getting pregnant. I was hurt when I read him texting "Yeah, the meeting with the cute one failed but at least I got to fuck the other one" to one of his friends. He became really active sexually, initiating sex multiple times a day. I was stupid and happy because he was finally focusing more on me instead of the other girl, not accepting that I was being used only for sex. I was 14. He ended up breaking up with me the day before our 6months "anniversary", right after I walked him to the bus station where he got on the bus that took him to her and he confessed his feelings. And got rejected. Stupid me was there to console him and we became a couple again. He started experimenting with kinks. I came from a background where I was bullied, beaten up and used by people around me. He used to blindfold me and tie me up for sex, which always ended up with me having a panic attack from having my traumas triggered. He would hug me to calm me down, but the next time he pushed me to try again. Many times he blindfolded me and forced me to imagine having sex with other people, often multiple people. Asked me to roleplay as a prostitute being fucked by a group of strangers with my eyes covered. It made me feel raped and violated, yet he asked me to do it again and again. Years passed, he cheated on me with 6 other girls I know of. Maybe more. At that point I wanted to end the relationship but whenever I tried, he told me he will unalive himself because I'm the meaning of his life and he can't live without me. I was around 17 at this time, but took 3 more years of waiting to actually end the relationship. I was scared of leaving and I had nowhere to go. He isolated me from everyone I knew, constantly messaging me and guilt tripping me if I dared to go somewhere without him. He started trying out sex-toys. Since he was into seeing me "getting fucked by other guys", he bought a huge dildo. It was like the size of my arm. And it was painful. Not only because it was big, but it felt like as if he'd be stuffing me with a cheese grater. I asked him multiple times not to use it on me, somehow it always ended up on the bed. Finally, 6 years into this relationship (I leave many toxic things out to avoid making this post even longer), I only felt disgust and hate towards him. He would initiate sex, I went with it to get over it at times, avoided most of the times. I lost all my will to live and all my hope to leave. One day he came over, my family left. I wanted to watch cartoons and eat snacks. Seems like this is how it starts every time. He started touching me, I ignored it, watched the series. He continued, undressed me, I refused to move or cooperate, still just staring at the screen. I didn't even look at him. Nor did he look at me. Obviously I was dry when he tried to put the big dildo in me. But he didn't care. Continued stabbing me with it until he finally forced it in and "finally" got to "fuck" me with it while he masturbated. At this point I was in pain from the penetration and I tried to push or kick him off me, but he didn't process. I was crying and kicking until he finally realized what was going on and started panicking. I laid on my side, I couldn't move. I knew what was going on around me but my body refused to move. All I could feel was my tears running without stopping. He was panicking, grabbing all his stuff to leave then he run to me to shake me and try to get me to react. Then he run back to pack his stuff again, then he came to me again. By the time he was at my door, about to leave, I was able to move a bit. He asked if I want him to stay or if I want him to leave. I don't remember what I answered. I was 20. This was the final break. About a month after this we broke up for real. He had the balls to ask me to only date girls after him, so he can brag about being the only guy who ever fucked me. (I'm bisexual.) (He came back a month later to try to beg me to give him another chance because he only loves me and he doesn't know what to do with his life without me. When I said no, he straight up asked if I could make him a cake with decoration that would resemble him and a girl he likes and wants as next girlfriend. He came to beg me for another chance while he was already having someone in mind...I was speechless.) Was I getting raped every time for 6 years? Is it even rape if it's by a boyfriend? I don't know how to call this or what did I experience through these years. It did traumatize me and for many years it was impossible for me to touch myself without ending up as a panicking crying mess after a minute or two. Usually happens when I'm about to climax, I space out and my tears start running while I feel like I cannot breathe or move for a few moments. Then I just cry without being able to hold back. I don't know what to do. Sorry for the long text, thank you if you read it this far.

Didn't get the job

Hey all, So on Monday a school that my gf and I were flown out to MN for an interview for a school. This was to be the third round in the interview process. The fact that they were willing to pay for plane tickets and we were the only ones invited gave me hope that we had it cinched. For context at the end of the June we were let go from our private schools after the bosses cut the teaching staff from 13 to 5. I thought we did very well. The conversations were nice and thoughtful everyone was very pleasant. We got an email today that we weren't selected. I must admit, I'm devastated. We have to move off of campus on the 31st. We were really hoping to clinch this. It was such a great school. They didn't really give any feed back why we weren't selected. We reached out and asked that they reconsider but they refused. I don't know what we could have done different or what we're going to do on the 31st. My heart is leaden today

My dad just had a heartattack and I don't know how to feel

Just wanted to rant because i feel a mix of pain, fear and anger. My father has lived a very rough life. He's been through things in his childhood and he has made very poor life decisions (like making his own drugs, being friends with bad people, lying about having cancer as an excuse for why he didn't come to visit me as a child). We've established a civil and cordial relationship. I know i can't count on him, i can make superficial jokes with him but he's not a father figure. I did have good memories with him as a child, mostly because i idolised him. He was the fun parent, the adventurous one....if he showed up at least. So I'm not sure how to feel right now. I was expecting this, he's been treating his body like a dumpster from the day he was born. But he's still my dad and i still care for him. He was a shitty father, but this came from his own upbringing. I didn't hate him, just felt sorry for him. But I'm afraid i will feel guilty for seeing him as a crappy parent if things get worse and he passes. He lives in a different country now. So I'm not sure if i have to drop everything, book tickets and visit him. Part of me thinks i have to because I'll feel guilty otherwise, but another part of me really doesn't want to. I feel strangely detached but somehow more attached than I'd like to admit.

I want to kill myself so bad

I'm just so tired of feeling bad. I've spent my entire adult life doing all the things you're supposed to do to treat depression. Nothing makes a difference. I'm chronically single and alone. All I ever wanted was a best friend to marry and have a little family with kids. I'm just so exhausted from depression. I am a couple years from 40 and I'm starting to think I might kill myself on my 40th birthday. I'll be too old to have children for sure by then. I tried to follow my dream career but I'm just not that good at it. I think I'm always the least competent person in the room. To keep up with how things change I have to constantly read about how people younger than me are senior to me and accomplishing great things and I can barely keep up When I was younger I was depressed but not suicidal because I still had hope. Now I don't have hope anymore. It's too late to achieve any dreams. So tired of watching everyone around me talk about their amazing families and excel at work while I struggle. Most people I know are married and happy and those who wanted them have gifted healthy children. I have two therapists. I'm on SSRIs. I exercise regularly, eat well, don't do drugs. I feel so broken.

Idk what to do or how to heal from shitty existence

I’m almost 24 and I’m still processing my life… I’ve been beaten, raped, called names, was never good enough, raised my sisters without much help from parent, and sorta attempted suicide. First Gf said she wanted to wait till marriage because it’s what the Bible says or whatever, then apparently was fucking 3 different neighbors or hers. 2nd Gf killed herself from what her family said but never seen an obituary or any evidence, maybe she wanted out. My life has just been shit. I guess the only reason I’m still here is 3 good friends and my cat. I’ve never healed from my experiences and there is still a gap in my memory from childhood. Maybe trauma repression kicked in, but I don’t wanna remember. I’ve bottled up everything until about a month ago. My coworker has been so kind to me and we’ve bonded over a lot. She’s drawn out emotions I didn’t know I had. I’ve let almost everything out. Her sharing stories of her childhood dragged up old memories. I’m fucked up enough that I don’t feel happiness or sadness anymore. I get angry but not easily. For the most part I’m just existing and once my friends move on in their lives and my cat passes away, I’m out, I’ve got no purpose in life, hardly any aspirations, no want to loose my virginity. I just want to stop this pitiful existence. Go to work, go home, shower, eat, sleep, repeat. I can’t wait for those who say they care move on so I don’t have to worry about making them sad

Someone is threatening to leak my video

I M22 found out that a scammer from and Asian country has access to some of my private videos. He is constantly threatening me for money and if I do not pay him he would send out all my pictures to my instagram friends and family. What should I do?

My Gf cheated on me with my roommate

Some context here. We had dated for about a year and a half, broke up last summer her choice, but kept pretty consistent contact. Decided to try again last August. She could never fully commit to me during this whole retrial stage. To be completely honest she could never get over the fact that I hurt her, which is why we broke up in the first place. Early on in our relationship she went thru my phone and found some old nudes and was extremely hurt by that. She also had a problem with me watching porn which I would stop but would pick up occasionally. I know my actions were out of line in the boundaries she set in the relationship but she decided to stay. Well we tried again and it just wasn’t right for so long but we still loved each other very deeply. We spend a lot of our free time together and at times it felt like it used to. Although she never fully committed to actually being in a relationship we were very much together and it was clear that we were not seeking out anybody else. We had not been physically intimate throughout this entire retrying time. Well she ended up one night sleeping with my roommate who has since moved out and ultimately left me for him. I am absolutely devastated I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with this person which is why I stuck around for so long trying to make things work. I think about her all the time and I just don’t know how to get over her

I wish I could know my siblings

So long story short, my father left when I was three. He went on to marry a woman and have two children with her, a boy and a girl. I reconnected with my father two years ago. In the twenty three years between then and now he had had a messy divorce and his other children no longer want a relationship with him. I’m sadly included in that. I’ve tried countless times to reach out to them via email and Facebook. The messages sent on Facebook show they’ve been read or unopened. I stopped messaging with the mindset that I didn’t want to push anything, after all, they don’t know me. According to my dad they did know I was out there and the possibility of me showing up one day was brought up to them, so it’s not like they don’t know I exist. I just get sad sometimes that I’ll probably never get to know them. They’ll never get to know me. I have sisters from my mom and they’re my best friends in this world. ( sadly, my sisters also have a half brother that’s in and out of their lives and always has been, so they definitely relate to me to some degree.) I wish I could have had that closeness with my other siblings. I’m here if they ever want to find me though. And if not, I’ve made peace with that as well. It’s not my fault, just a crappy side effect of my dad being a piece of shit. That all being said, this is more of a vent then anything. I wanted to say it into the void of Reddit. I however do not feel like going into my dads whole divorce story on Reddit to explain why his other children want speak to him.

my mom got multiple kinds of cancer immediately after I graduated college and I think I'm finally going to give up

title is pretty much it. I hate being alive. I'm so alone and I'll probably die that way. I just hope it happens soon

I can’t wear my glasses anymore because of my ex

During arguments, my ex used to rip my glasses off, and throw them across the room. I have a very high prescription and it was such a terrifying experience for me. He would tell me I don’t deserve to see. He would scream at me and throw his hands into my face, and I couldn’t tell what was going on. I started wearing contacts, even to sleep, to try and keep my control. I’m still too afraid to wear glasses.

I miss my friend

2 years ago a friend and I ended our friendship. I’ll admit that I wasn’t a good friend and didn’t notice that I displaying toxic behavior that changed my friends image of me. We had a conversation where he was honest about his feelings and we decided to end our friendship. My actions afterwards I’m not proud of… I made a stan twitter account awhile after we ended our friendship and made a post that hinted at me being upset about the friendship breakup and he saw. I made the post in a period of my life where I felt really depressed and angry, so I was honestly embarrassed once I realized what I had done ( the account has been deleted for awhile now) For a few months now I’ve been having very bad depression episodes and sometimes I find myself missing my friend. I would see things that reminded me of him and get really sad. I also started to have dreams about him, in these dreams we would rekindle our friendship or we never had ended our friendship at all. In the 2 years since we ended our friendship, I respected his need for space from me. I’ve never tried to reach out or even looked at any possible social media pages he might have. He has also never tried to reach out at all. I won’t try to reach out to him either, it’s been a long time I don’t want to bother. I just wanted to share that I miss my friend..I miss him a lot .

I feel like a Nobody

I guess im just venting here…. I feel lonely , I have friends and family but i still feel alone. My friends have their boyfriends and their lives , My sister has her life. And im just here, I feel like im never anyones first choice , when it comes to hanging out , and even when it comes to guys. All the people in my life can go days without talking to me , and it’s like nothing for them but for me it’s everything. Im not even my best friend’s best friend. There’s no one out there that wakes up and makes it priority to talk or see what im doing. When it comes to my friends , im always there ready to go to hell and back to support them , but it’s never the same energy towards me. I just feel like a side character in everyone’s else’s world.

Update-I am glad that my wife's ex cheated on her.

I posted here 2 days ago. People have been asking me to give an update. I am here with an update. Not as good as people thought it would be. So, today she came home from work. She looked really worried. I thought she would be happy because tomorrow is our anniversary. We have plans and usually she is excited and always talks about what she can do. I asked her how her day went. She cried. I was scared. I was scared for us and our baby. She told me she has been keeping a secret from me and she wanted to tell me on our anniversary. I didn't tell her that I already knew. She told me she was pregnant. She has know about this 2 weeks and she is 8 weeks pregnant. She noticed some changes and took a test. She didn't want to tell me early because she was afraid to have a miscarriage. Years ago when she was with her ex husband, she had 2 miscarriages around 6 weeks. She was afraid this will end in miscarriage too so she didn't want to disappoint me. She though if she had a miscarriage only she will know, it will not effect me. But when she reached up to 8 weeks mark she decided to tell me. But she went to the doctor today taking a half day from work. The doctor told her she is still in risk of miscarriage and a complicated pregnancy. That's why she was afraid. She said she cannot keep it a secret. Her plan was ruined because of it and so she is telling me this early. I tried to calm her down. I told her if she stresses about it, it will not be good to either you or the baby. We can only hope for the best. No matter what happens I will be with her throughout this journey. She asked me if I had known about this. I told her yes I did. She smiled and said she figured it out because last few days I have been stroking her belly a lot. We are still planning on the reveal. I might as well act surprised even though it was spoiled by me. Am I tensed? Yes, because a complicated pregnancy means either she survives or the child. But we can hope for the best and both my child and wife will be safe. The doctor said since she is in her mid 30s she is way more prone to stillbirths and other pregnancy related complications. We might get a second opinion on it soon. But for now we are enjoying our years together.

I cried at work/school today and I’m incredibly embarrassed

I (25F) am a med student and today during rounds, I cried after receiving criticism from a doctor. I made a scene and the criticism I received didn’t really warrant the tears. This is also not the first time this has happened. In the span of 4 years, I’ve probably cried during rounds/clinical activities about 5 times and it’s embarrassing. I’m especially embarrassed today because I tried to rein it in but I was unsuccessful. Feeling really stupid and immature right now.

Weird recurring sleep paralysis dream that I had from my childhood

I get sleep paralysis a lot but not the type where you are awake in the night and you see a demon in the corner of the room. I’ve only had that about once when I was very young. This is a very different type of sleep paralysis. This only happens to me during naps in the day and never in the night. I’m in my bed in a sleeping position yet I can’t move. It’s literally me just not being able to move. No demons, i just can’t move, I understand that I’m just stuck sleeping and I’m paralysed but I just can’t move. I figured out a tactic to be able to move my body now. I start with my toes and my fingers and eventually I’m able to vault my body up into a different position, the only problem is when I get into a different position, I get stuck there immediately and I repeat this 3-4 times before I’m eventually able to actually wake up. The one I just woke up from was a similar to one I had when I was younger. I remember it well. I’m lying in my room and I can’t move as usual, but there is something different. I hear my mother yelling at me from her room. I hear her footsteps coming towards me and i hear her entering my room. This was one of the scariest experiences I’ve ever had. She’s still yelling at me, I have no idea what about and I’m scared shitless trying to brace myself for her to smack me but she never did. I can’t see her at all because I’m facing away from her and unable to move out of my bed and say something to her or start crying because I’m still stuck. She never did hit me because she was never real. It was some dream that came along with the paralysis. I was aware that I was stuck and half asleep but I didn’t know that my mother wasn’t real. Just a few minutes ago the same dream paralysis thing happened again this time I was aware she wasn’t real but was still scared for some reason. Once I switched myself out of that position it stopped. What do you guys think of this dream.

You’re driving me crazy!

I’ve talked to hundreds of women, I’ve taken tons of them out. Yet you’re the first one in such a long time to make me freeze dead in my tracks. I can’t think, I can hardly breathe. My chest is so puffed up with air I feel like I’m gonna pass out. I’ve given talks to hundreds of people on multiple occasions. Yet all you have to do is look at me with those beautiful brown eyes and my brain turns to mush. I can’t take it anymore. I want to get to know you. You seem so sweet and full of life. I want to know if you and I can be together. Can our lives meet half way or are we gonna keep staring at each other from afar? You tease me when I catch you looking at me. I don’t even have my glasses on and I know it’s you. I’m completely turned around and there you are smiling not looking at me. What a lovely thing to be surprised by. Come on Ms. V, what do you want to talk about over a cup of coffee?

i loved him so much

we broke up over a year ago but i have never stopped thinking about him. i only ever felt important when he held me and spoke to me like a real person. i thought we were gonna be together forever one week he just stopped touching, hugging and kissing me. i had to beg him in tears to tell me what i had done. apparently nothing.. he just met someone else, someone who was more interesting, less clingy. that’s the night that he broke up with me, he just took what he had and left, blocked me on everything. even though i didn’t yell or scream or curse or anything. he just didn’t want anything to do with me anymore. i haven’t dated since, i’m too scared that whoever i date next will lose interest in me too, think i’m too clingy or overbearing. that and i just still love him so much even though he hurt me more than anyone else ever did. it’s not his fault for losing interest, i know that, i just wish he hadn’t been so hurtful telling me these things. i hate everything about myself again… i wish i hadn’t fucked up the way i did, i wouldn’t be where i am if i had just been less clingy.

Nobody remembers my birthday

today is my birthday (turned 26) and nobody remembered. i don’t have much friends and i don’t have close friends at all. but anyway.. only my family members congratulated me (brother mom and father) none of relatives did.. i was googling this to feel less bad but i didn’t help.. i feel grateful for my family and that’s making me happy but i feel sad at the same time.. it’s very weird and i don’t feel right.. how can i fix this? (please don’t congratulate me. sorry but it’ll make me feel even worse.. but thank you anyway)… i’m not bad looking not short, not a bad person i am productive also i’m an musician and a 3D game artist.. a painter as well.. ( i don’t diss anyone .. i’m just trying to figure out the reason why people don’t like me.. i don’t think that being short “ugly” or something else. is important. it is really not.. i’m just trying to find a reason why am i so lonely..) please forgive me if i offended anyone.

I was groomed online (Massive trigger warning)

I was groomed on reddit on an old account a few mounths ago, he asked me send nudes (i was in a bad place) i am 15. Ever since then i feel angry with my self because ive now been having fantisys of being dominated but not normal domination but raped domination and i feel discusted with myself this has also come with violant outbursts. Ive also become hyper sexual as ive said but not just rape fantisys but hyper sexual and im even more dissapointed because im one those save the first for the special one types and ive been going down pure sl\~t rought but havent acted opon it. Any advice because i cant come out obout this because im a man so any tips for dealing with it prvately.

Trying to get a job with social anxiety disorder sucks.

I really need a job to pay my university debt. I have some material from a psychologist to work on my anxiety, but it feels impossible to get over after all these years. I think I may be too tired to try and change anymore. I hate fighting my own brain and at this point I feel like I just want to end it. I get it if this sounds pathetic. I just feel sad that this is what my 20s turned out to be. It's really too bad that I can't give my life to someone who'd appreciate it more. I'm tired. Everything is loud.

I didn't do something 5years ago and still regret it

As the title says this happened 5years ago. I (att 17yo f) went to a Main Event arcade with 4 friends, 3boys and one other girl. As my friend was driving up to the Main Event, I already had a nasty feeling in the pit of my stomach but tried to ignore it, thinking I was just hungry. As we parked (at the front of the entrance) and entered the building, I saw a man in a dark puffy jacket and dark pants. I could tell something was off with this man immediately. He was just standing in just the entrance and had his hand in his jacket pocket that looked to have something in it, he was on his phone and kept looking around. The feeling in my gut got worse when we walked past him, but I tried to ignore it again, maybe he was waiting for someone? My friends and I walked towards the front counter, and I just kept looking back at the man. I go the attention of one of the guys and then asked him if the man in the entrance looked suspicious. He told me the man did look a little off but also said it looked like he was waiting for someone. So for a moment I felt a bit relieved until the other girl in the group asked me about the man, if he looked off. I immediately said he did and since she drove, she told the group we were going. All of the boys agreed with us, and said they didn't want to be somewhere if all of us weren't comfortable there. As we all pilled back in the car, we looked for somewhere else to go. I kept a close eye on the man, then he did something that made my blood freeze. He scootched over to the windows on the outside of the building, took his phone out, lifted it around so his camera had a good view inside. I was anxiety ridden. That gut feeling made me feel like I was about to throw up. At that point the other girl in the group noticed, as well as the boy I asked about the man early. But then, he wasn't done, HE STARTED ZOOMING IN ON ONE PARTICULAR GIRL. Everyone in the car started whispering about what to do. We considered calling the police but ended up just calling the building about a suspicious character taking zoomed in pictures of a girl at their establishment. Then we left. We all were so shaken and angry at what he had witnessed, that we ended the day there. I don't know what happened to the man, or what was even happening at all. He just looked like he didn't want to be seen taking pictures of the girl. Here's where I regret what we did. I wish that I hadn't froze. I wish I had gotten out of that car and gone to the girl. I wish I had told her as my friends were on the phone with Main Event. She should have been told. I would want someone to tell me. And I HATE that I didn't do that. I think about what I should have done so much. I would have gone back in acted like we were old friends and as I smiled, tell her about the man. Tell her we called the building about him but left it up to her to call the police. I want to rewind time. I wish I stood up for her. She was definitely around the age of 14-15. So whatever reason he took those pictures for, I can't imagine were for good intent.

I require a lot of affection, but I’m not getting it.

For context: I’m 16, I’m gay, and I have a boyfriend. He’s fantastic and I don’t blame him for not giving me the sort of love I want, because I haven’t communicated that in a clear way. I really want to, but it’s taking a lot of time for me to figure myself out. I just desperately want somebody to give me a bunch of compliments and affection, sort of like how people treat dogs. I yearn for approval constantly, and it’s gotten to the point where any time a guy (usually college-aged guys or teachers) compliments me or even just pays attention to me, I start getting confusing feelings of attraction. It’s not a huge issue, but I feel creepy when I develop little crushes on dudes who probably don’t want a gay 16 year old staring at them too much. Most recently I started feeling weirdly attracted to a band instructor at a marching band camp, and the way I kept him on my mind constantly even when I was sitting with my boyfriend is making me feel almost sick with guilt. I just wish I could get the love I need and stop being weird about this. Just needed to get that off my chest, even if all it does is put my feelings into words.

did i cheat on my bf or am i overthinking??

idk where else to put this. me and my boyfriend have been dating for a little over 5 months but talking for 7. my ex and i broke up about a month before i started seriously talking to my now bf. when we started dating, i remember missing my ex a little but it wasn’t necessarily in a romantic way. they were apart of my life for a long time as a member of my family and i had never had anything like that. when my now boyfriend and i started dating, i told my mom to text my ex boyfriend that i missed him. Now, i’m pretty sure that my intentions were that i missed them as friend. my now bf also knows about this and we’ve talked about it more than once. i’m feeling very guilty and don’t know what to do. did i cheat??????

I’m in love with a man 27 years older than me

Apologize in advance for formatting, I’m on mobile. I’m not going to use our specific ages for privacy reasons but we are both well into adulthood. We'll call him Dex. I met Dex 6 years ago, he's my landlady's son. He knocked on my door one day and the second I opened it I knew. I just knew. I never would've believed in anything as childish as "love at first sight" until I met him. I felt every atom in my body light up and move a little to the left. And it's stayed that way. We've remained extremely close for all of these years, maintaining an entirely platonic relationship with each other. I’ve always let our "friendship" be what it was because I knew that I wanted to be with him somehow, even as friends, no matter how I felt. It was always bad timing and I loved him deeply and want the best for him. He was happy as friends and him being happy was more than enough for me. He lives a few states away from me but has made consistent efforts for us to go on road-trips together and visit me often. On these trips, he always pays for every single little thing and doesn't let me touch my wallet. I offer to pay for anything and everything. We text daily and call about once a week. I’ve been in 2 serious relationships since I met Dex and I ended each one because of my guilt. Although Dex and I were platonic I felt so guilty for my partners that I was in love with someone else as well. Someone they had met and someone I consistently talked to. I broke up with my last partner 6 months ago. 2 months later, Dex and I took an 8 state, 3 week road-trip. We usually don’t have a plan on these trips and plan them day-by-day, booking hotels as we go. Well, one of these days we forgot to book one early enough in the day for our destination city and the only rooms available were one-bed rooms. Prior to this we had always been in the same room but on 2 different beds. He offered to sleep on the couch so I was comfortable and I suggested we just sleep in the same bed if he was comfortable with it as it wasn't "a big deal" to me. He checked many many times that night that I was okay with it and I was. The next day, I wanted to go for a swim in the hotel pool before we left for the day. He swam with me, and for the first time ever, we flirted. Seems small but was big. This is after 6 years of friendship with absolutely 0 romantic or sexual suggestion. We flirted and drank and messed around with each other. In our swimsuits, it was the closest our bodies had ever been. We got out to go shower and he let me go first. Before I got in, he asked me, "Do you ever feel confused about me?" I said, "Always." I thought about that question the whole shower. When I got out I said, "Actually Dex, I have never been confused about you. I have known how I felt about you since the moment I met you." He asked me to elaborate. I did, but briefly and kept it as cheese-less as possible. He said, "You are not alone." And we kept it at that. We didn't speak of it for the rest of the trip. However, I did intentionally book rooms with only one bed and we kept sharing. We never kissed, fucked, or even cuddled. It was confusing. I got home eventually and so did he. Hundreds of miles away. We started FaceTiming a lot during that time, we did a lot of flirting but didn't really elaborate on what these feelings could mean. He made it very clear he felt the same way I did. The next month, he surprised me with another trip. This time we would fly separately to a state neither of us had visited before and make our way back to my home state. During this trip, we talked a little bit more about our feelings for each other and continued to sleep in the same bed. Not a lot happened. We flirted, swam, cuddled a little bit, but nothing more. My feelings for him have been eating me alive. I don’t think either of us want to talk about what the future looks like for this. 3 weeks ago, he came to visit me for my birthday. He stayed with me for a week. Fixed up things in my house, bought me coffee every morning, made me all of my meals, everything. I’m so fucking in love with him, it takes everything in me to not smother him with romance. We talked about our age gap for the first time. I told him that I'd been avoiding this conversation because I don't think there are many good outcomes. He said he was going at my pace and was always willing to talk about anything but relies on me for initiating serious conversations. I love this boundary. To make a long conversation short, life is complex. Society isn't generally accepting of age-gap relationships and it could turn our familial relationships really bad really fast. I was getting overwhelmed and asked to change the topic of conversation and resume it a different time. He said that was okay. He comes to see me again in 6 days. I’ve taken 4 days off of work this time and we will be spending a lot of time together. Last week I got really drunk and told him that I was incredibly horny and wanted to fuck him, he said he knew I was drunk but that he had those feelings too but that it is up to me to decide when those things happen, if they ever do. I want to be with him. Move in with him, which he has offered many times, marry him, even. We haven't gotten that deep into conversation. He isn't my boyfriend, I’m not his girlfriend, we just are what we are. Anyway. I’m not sure what else to say! I needed to put all of these feelings somewhere since nobody in my life knows due to fear of social backlash. Thank you for reading if you did! What do you think?

What the fuck is wrong with me?!

I'm actually disgusted with myself I'm 19m and I have a little sister 16f and my sister has some friends that I am kinda friends with too. One of them is, or better was 15f. My sister and her are still friends, but I haven't seen her in a long time, I haven't even thought about her in a long time, I have almost forgot about her. Now comes the problem, a few days ago while I was sleeping I had a dream about that friend, were that friend and me were VERY close and we were making out?!?!? She is 15! She's a fucking child! What the actual fuck is wrong with my brain?? After I woke up I was so confused and disgusted, I haven't thought about her for months and then this shit?? I dont even know why I'm writing that here, guess just to tell someone

Wondering if I'll kill myself

It's tempting. I feel pretty done with life. I just dont have a particularly pleasant method. Things are not working with my gf. I mostly feel miserable around her. She always ignores me. Never reacts positively to me being playful. Never laughs at my jokes. Is always complaining about things I do or don't do. Always has a catty comment on the tip of her tongue. Never spends quality time with me. I could dump her and move in with my dad. But then I'll be really lonely. And there won't be much holding me back from killing myself. If I were to try and fail while with my gf I'd never hear the end of it. She'd be really fucking angry. It would be nice to have a girlfriend who actually cares. But I can't easily imagine someone wanting to be with me. No job. Depression. Anxiety. No house. No money. Living with dad. Doesn't want kids. Not much of a catch? Maybe I should just dump her and kill myself. She deserves to be alone for what she puts me through. I hope she regrets the way she's behaved. But she's the most stubborn person I've ever known. Fuck life. I wish I was never born. Now I have to go through the hell of life or the hell of killing myself. And I'm a yellow backed spineless piece of shit. My suicide method terrifies me. They all do. Racing pulse, severe nausea, difficulty catching breath bad headache, it truly is going to feel like I'm dying. Its going to be horrendous. I wish I could just die peacefully. But the chance of getting decent heroin to kms kindly is slim to none. And I have no idea what I'm doing with that stuff. I'll probably mess it up and just do damage to myself. Fuck life. Why the fuck did I have to be born? I didn't ask for this!!

taken for years, starting to doubt everything and anything

I've gotten myself into quite the predicament. And I don't know what to do. I don't know what's right anymore. I don't know whether to do what my heart tells me or what my brain tells me. Or what my gut tells me. Each decision feels wrong in a way, as much as it also feels right at the same exact time. I have been in a relationship for many years. We've grown to be two different people. And I do love my partner yet there's this feeling that there is no future for us. There's this feeling like we're together because we've been together for so long. I love my partner but I can't tell if it's out of obligation or true feeling anymore. I can't understand my feelings. We fight over the silliest things. We have different views of life and the world. We have almost nothing in common anymore. And then there's this other person. I would lie if I said I didn't like this person from the beginning. Right people, wrong time kind of thing. This person is seemingly everything I search for. We have so much in common, yet we are still so different in many aspects, but these differences aren't bad differences. They're good. Rewarding. Interesting. And the way this person makes me feel, merely by talking. Giddy. Happy. Appreciated. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to choose. Do I stay in this place I've been for many years? Do I keep trying, give it countless chances? Or do I take another leap of faith and leave everything familiar behind and just see what happens? But what if it doesn't work out? What if I leave the familiar and not so happy behind to see if I get the new and happy but it won't work out and I won't ever get the familiar back? What if I don't risk it and I stay "not-so-happy"? Mediocre? For the rest of my life? What if this other person is what's actually meant for me? &#x200B; I don't know what to do.

I Feel Guilty Working Less and Paid More

I don’t even know how to word this. By nature, I am a hard worker so when I applied at this start up company inside an industry I’m genuinely intrigued in to work in, I went from the ground up in positions merely because it was just like exclusively learning more about the whole business model while getting paid. Well this is where it gets interesting. I’m an extrovert by nature so over time I somehow befriended the right people and to this day they will mention stories to people regarding scenarios glorifying me that I was never apart of. (I only mention this bc I hope someone can put a name to this phenomenon. It’s happened many times). So like the quote goes, “squeaky bolt gets the oil”. I would get promoted rather fast and this last promotion is where the big shift happened. I now work pretty much on my own schedule. Have my own company card. I can go to the office if I want. Or I can work from home. Or I’m on a business trip to other offices around the world. I’m not worried ab getting the job done or anything, but I feel guilty. I feel like a weird fraud. I’m not ungrateful so please don’t assume that. This is genuine guilt. I always assumed I would always get more work and work the higher I got. Or would dread doing this daily. However my only dread has been the guilt I feel with this new free time. From my experience, if you do your due diligence before joining a company, have the odds to stick with it to scalable growth, actually contribute to what you’re apart of, and network religiously, you can be set. Any help on the guilt feeling though?

I have feeling for someone engaged.

No I'm not going to act on them. I meet them over a year ago via a martial arts club we are both in. I was attractived to them but found out quickly they had a partner, so I didn't do anything then ofc. We didn't see each other again for a while. We meet again at events, going with others to tournaments. She wasn't there a lot due to reasons but more and more we ended up hanging out and became friends. We have had really good conversations, she even call her favourite person, and ask why I was single during a game of never have I ever. In a way that implied she thought highly of me, she maybe would have been interested in me if things were different, which is something new to me. We have opened up to each other about some pretty personal stuff but there has been nothing romantic at all. I've meet her partner a few times and who is a really nice guy and I've nothing against him in the slightest. I can't cut her out of my life as she has said that I'm one of her favourite ppl in the sport we do. For reasons she is able to participate more than she way before, (we live close, I give her lifts to classes etc). It would be wrong of me to prevent her from doing stuff and seeing others she cares about, it would be just cruel in a way. I'm not going to do anything, there is nothing that can happen. But fuck, I've been thinking about her almost every day. We are in fb chat groups and she nearly always leaves little hearts on my commets. We are going as a group on a small vacation next month. I don't want to loose her as a friend. I don't want to have these feelings but I don't thinks good to just pretend that they don't exist but there is no one else I can talk to about them.

My bf’s dog died

I (23f) have been dating my bf (24m) for about a week now. We were talking on the phone before he got a call and told me he’ll call me back. When he called me back, he was crying and told me his dog died. I didn’t know how to respond and hearing him cry broke my heart. This was a very sudden death so he’s very upset about not being able to say bye to him. I know he definitely needs his space but I’m very bad at these type of situations. I’m a very awkward person and i would say im not the greatest at comforting people. How do I be there for him and comfort him? Since our relationship is new as well I want to show him that I am that partner he can lean on for comfort and any advice on how I can do that will be much appreciated!

Not sure if this counts as SA?

TW: SA?? Idk but don’t read if you get triggered easily. (i made this throwaway account for the sake of not being tied back to my main) This is something that I’ve been questioning for so long since the memories I repressed came back and around Christmas time it’s dreadful. When I was 12, I was molested? by my 16 year old aunt. At the time I wasn’t sure what was happening, I remember playing sims on the ps2 that belonged to my aunt who I saw as a sister. She told me i had 5 minutes left to play and she wanted to show me something. I was so stupid, I innocently went and she showed me porn. She made me touch her and she touched me, she forced me to do stuff to her and this went on for months when she used to babysit me and my younger sibling. I used to have breakdowns a lot during that time and I remember not being able to process any of this, I wasn’t sure if it was normal. If I was supposed to let my own aunt touch me this way. Yet again, I am not sure if this counts as sexual assault or sexual abuse. I wasn’t raped, it feels like it’s not valid.

I purposely ruined my bfs climax

So not really a fuck up because it was hilarious as all shite. But before he got ready for work this morning we were getting a lil steamy. And my mans a nice guy and nice guys always finish last. So as I’m doing my thang and whispering sweet nothings in his ear I pay very close attention to when this volcano is about to erupt. And as it does I moan very loudly in my best UwU anime girl voice “ONIICHAAANNN” (yes I know what it means) he immediately grabbed my hand and gave me the most WTF look I’ve ever seen. His eyes were filled with such disbelief I wish my eyes had cameras so I could have captured it. After the initial shock we both died laughing. 10/10.

Am I too much?

I really feel like people hate me now, and I don't know the reason. My girlfriend left me because I was too much for her, (which is really weird, I will come back to it in a moment), people are talking shit about me behind my back, there is literally no reason for it, like, all the people that really got to know me think that I'm a really trustworthy person and im mature for my age (16), I always give dad help to my friends, give them all sorts of advice, but people from my past, that didn't even know me that well talk so much shit behind my back (I know it, I live in a pretty small village so I hear stuff from people that actually trust me), even tho I literally did nothing bad to them, ever. Back to that ex-girlfriend stuff, so I met her on a friend-making app about 3 months ago, and we clicked right away. The only problem was that she lived about 100km from me, but the good side was my mom is driving to my sister every weekend, and my ex lived on the way, so went with my mom and she dropped me off on the way. This was about 2 weeks into talking stage, and two days later she was my girlfriend. We literally talked for hours and even slept together on facetime, and I was going to her place every weekend. But about three weeks ago something changed. She went to a sport camp for 10 days. Before this camp she told me that she would miss me so much and that she would text me, but when she went on it she would literally ghost me for hours. Then, when she came back, she called me, and I said that it really hurt, because I missed her and was texting her, thinking she would do the same, but she didn't text me very much. First she started apologizing, but then she was mad at me, because she needed a break and I couldn't handle that. I said that maybe if she told me this was going to be a break then maybe I would adjust and prepare myself, but when she told me that she was going to text me I couldn't really do that, so she replied that she didn't know this was going to be a break and she hung up. She didn't text me all day, and I texted her "Call me if u wanna talk" and she had a really big problem with that text, and I asked if she still needs a break, and she said that she didn't know, so I said "Just text me when ur ready". She texted me 4 days later saying that she missed me, and she wants to talk, so we did and she said that I'm too much, and she sees now how this relationship affected her BUT she doesn't wanna break up, so I asked if she wants me to still go to her place, and she said that it would be difficult, and I asked if she still wants to talk, and she said yes, but not so much. We talked for half an hour and she ended the call saying she is going to watch something with her friends now. And a day later I texted her (she didn't text me the whole day of course) with some things I don't understand, and I also said that I feel like such a change in her behaviour is caused by her loosing feelings for me, which she denied, and I said that I really still wanna come over every weekend to which she replied that it's kinda impossible because she goes to a beach with her parents and stays there whole weekend, and she doesn't have a choice to stay, so I suggested she try to come up with something to which she got mad at me again. The next day I told my best friend about the whole situation so he decided to text her that he doesn't like the shit she's giving me, and she got all defensive and about an hour later I get a voice message from her friend that she wants to break up, and I said that maybe my girlfriend shouold text me about this and I just got all laughed at because my friend texted her (which I didn't even have a contribiution in), so why can't her friend text me about this, so I send my ex a voice message that I'm really sorry that it ended that way because she really meant the world to me (even for a 3 month relationship, this was really a huge step for me because she was my first girlfriend, the first person ive ever kissed and many other things) and that it's really immature for her to end it this way, and yet again, I get laughed at BY HER AND HER MOM. This pretty much shattered me and I think that I won't be able to trust a girl in a very long time, but then again, I need the feeling of being loved, it's like a part of me is missing.

My 27 year old cousin wants to marry my 13 year old sister.

Hello everyone, this has been frustrating me for over a day now. My cousin (27) came over to my house yesterday. With a straight face, he told me that he literally said he was thinking about asking my dad about \*marrying\* my 13 year old sister. I was dumb-founded, horrified, and really upset. My cousin, who I was close to for years, just told me he liked my 13 year old sister, who is not only underage but is his cousin. I sat for about 30 minutes, and I didn't blow up on him, as I wanted to see just how deep this man's thoughts were. I sat there interrogating him, asking "why not someone your age? Is it because it's family and it's easier? Why are you preying on someone who is a child?". He said ever since she was a "kid", he has just really "liked her". He kept telling me that I was too worried about the law, when the law wasn't my concern, it was the fact that he was viewing my younger sister as someone that he could be "interested in". After questioning him, he could tell I was frustrated and angry, and I asked him to leave. She's a child. By and large, he has not been around my younger sister, and it's only recently that he has had any kind of access to her, and even that access has been very limited. He took her out to the movies once recently, and my parents were uncomfortable with it and told him he can't take her out anymore. My sister does not live with me but with her parents. He has also told me strange things about how he bought the most expensive suit he could find, and wanted to take her out to dinner. I brushed these little things off, as I figured he was trying to be "family", and do nice things for his cousin. Now all of these things are starting to click in my head as being deeply problematic at a minimum. There's so many strange things about this. Why was he so comfortable about this idea? Why would he ask me about it? My perception of my cousin has significantly shifted, and at a bare minimum I consider him to be a predator and having attempted to groom my younger sister. I don't know what to do exactly, I have told my immediate family about this, and my parents both knew about this to some extent already. I don't know what legal action can be taken if any, other than just keeping my family away from him. I officially and not talking to my cousin anymore, and he will not be allowed anywhere near my family. I don't know what to do. I had to get this off of my chest though. EDIT: I learned after speaking to my mom tonight, the reason he may have been so comfortable asking is because many in his side of the family have married first cousins. While that by itself is an issue to me, the fact that he's asking about a child makes this significantly worse. Also, I live in South Carolina, and he is from Alabama.

Can't seem to catch a break with my parents

I (19F) live with my Mum (43), Dad (51) and sister (11). I've recently been cleaning the house like crazy because my parents keep making it really disgusting i.e., leaving food on the side where it goes off, not cleaning up after themselves, not doing any basic cleaning such as hooering and stuff, and it's really been affecting my mental state and I can't imagine what it's like for the both of them. My sister is also on a wheelchair so there has been times where its been somewhat hard for her to get around in her wheelchair. Because of all of these, I decided I would ask if they needed help (despite me having my room to get done as well as my uni resubmission work) and they've said it would be appreciated. I was absolutely fine by this. One the whole house was tidy, I asked my parents if they could help me with my room, specifically the bed part just so I can sleep in my bedroom, as I really struggle with my bedroom and because I had finished the house and there's nothing I can do now. They said that it's fine but can we do it tomorrow. Tomorrow keeps getting pushed back and back, and its been over a month since they first said they'd help. I've managed to get some done but I'm struggling with it so badly that I even had a breakdown over it. Today, my Mum yelled at me for having my bed still messy -despite her saying she'd help me multiple times (even promised me and broke it) and I just stated that she said she'd help me and I'm waiting. I even said the only reason why we didn't do it today was because you claimed you had a headache -she proceeded to cuss me and state it isn't her responsibility since its my room but I should also help her with the bungalow since I live here and it's also my home. I just said okay, but then she yelled at me even more when she went into the living as apparently I made a mess (idk what she's on about since I hovered, swept, mopped, cleaned and organised the sofas, tidied the dining table and got off all the fur off of the cat climbing frame thing). I asked what it is I've done wrong and she just started stating how Im ungrateful, that if I'm not happy then I should move out, I only use her for money, I should be grateful that I don't have to pay keep etc etc despite nothing prompting her about this. I won't lie, I did snap and say that I'm not happy here and would love to move out but sadly when working minimum wage and only on weekends, I don't earn nearly enough to even move out yet. She said that that's a me problem and I should just do it since I'm toxic and everything. I'm not saying I'm perfect but I just don't get what I've done wrong. I whole heartedly can't wait to leave this place. I'll only come visit for my little sister. I'm so exhausted and I just wish I got a well done or even a thank you I just wish things were different :/

Ex attempted suicide after breaking up.

My ex girlfriend of two years whom I thought I would marry broke up with me. A week later she made a serious suicide attempt. I came back to our apartment from sleeping at my sister’s place and started hearing a weird breathing/moaning sound. I went to look for it and found her. The sound was her struggling to breathe, she wouldn’t wake up, she took pills. I called 911 and her parents, got our cats stowed away. She was ok and woke up after a day in the hospital. I haven’t seen her since she was driven away in an ambulance. This was over a year ago and I still can’t get that sound out of my head. My hearts still broken. I’m fairly sure I have ptsd, I have debilitating and extreme panic attacks. Along with my ever present depression. It feels like the breakup and the traumatic experience are compounding to make each harder to heal from. Thanks for reading I hope you have hope.