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R-Arfin

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Depression

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Need someone to listen and talk to.

I have multiple ailments. But my depression(MDD diagnosis) has gotten worse than it ever has been before. I have the most debilitating painful heartache every single day. I have lost interest in anything and everything. I feel like an emotional and a financial burden on everyone around me. I wake up at odd hours in the morning, and the first thing I do is cry. I have already been crying myself to sleep for the longest time since I don't know how long... I have lost count. It feels like no one understands me, and no one is there for me. I don't blame my family either since they are new to this entire dynamic, but they have very banal logic. I always get to hear that I am not alone and that there are people who have it worse than I do... no, I don't want to hear that. I am looking for empathy, not sympathy. My confidence is down the drain, and I have absolutely no self-worth. In the middle of all this, my partner left me too. He was my favourite person in the whole world, my home, my everything. I really don't know how to cope up with all this. No anti-depressant, sleeping pill, or steroid has worked for me. If it wasn't for my parents, I would have ended my life a long time back. It's not worth it.

My life is over

23f. Ugly. No friends. Never had a partner. Have no direction in my life. Im alone constantly, I have no one to hang out with or talk to. No man or woman will look my way. I'm past the age where it's acceptable to have no relationship experince. I lost my virginity last year and that the most I've done. No one will want an ugly, inexperienced loser for a girlfriend. Finding a girl to date is next to impossible, finding a man is like competing with every girl that are much prettier than me. My life is over. Nothing will change. Do people really expect me to have friends or get into a relationship? Not to mention, if I get into a same sex relationship I'll basically be hated and disowned by my whole family. I dont matter. I'm always the last choice. My life is DONE. There is no going up from here. Just loneliness and misery. I wish assisted suicide was an option. I'm too pussy to kill myself. But I eventually will once I get more courage. I'm trying to be happy being completely alone, and in some ways I am. But its not the same as being *completely* alone.

Boyfriend called me a train wreck due to mental health. Not sure how to respond

About three weeks ago I stopped taking my prescribed Prozac due to having no more refills and losing insurance to cover it. It's been hard to figure out and research new insurance due to being in nursing school. I'm experiencing the usual symptoms of not taking my medication and depression. Yes, I have been sad, anxious, and a little snappy but as a neurodivergent woman I have mastered the ability to mask these feelings. My boyfriend knows about my running out of meds and my loss of insurance. For some reason though he has felt the need to constantly remind me that I am "a fucking train wreck" right now. We'll be cooking, hanging out, or studying together and he'll just say that. While I'm struggling mentally, I do feel that I'm managing okay while I'm in a limbo period before I get new insurance. I just started my nursing courses and am doing well and have enjoyed hanging out with friends. I know he's going to tell me that I'm a train wreck again, but I'm not sure how to respond. I want him to stop since it's quite demeaning to be told that I am a train wreck for experiencing normal symptoms of depression/anxiety. Any thoughts?

Struggling with Cognitive Decline and Depression: Is There Hope for My Memory?

Hey everyone, I've been battling depression for the past eight years, and it has taken a toll on my cognitive abilities. I used to have a very sharp memory when I was in good health. I could watch any TV show or documentary, even the boring ones, and remember them with remarkable clarity years down the line. However, depression has gradually robbed me of this gift. Now, I find myself struggling to remember shows I really loved binge-watching just a few days ago. It's disheartening and makes me question the purpose of indulging in learning and watching new things when I seem to forget them so quickly. I'm reaching out to this supportive community with a couple of questions: Have any of you experienced cognitive decline as a result of depression? And if so, **does it ever get better**? Additionally, I'm curious to know if any of you have found medications or treatments that made a difference. I'm open to exploring any options that could potentially help me regain some cognitive stability or at least halt the memory decline while coping with depression. I understand that everyone's experiences with depression and its impact on memory may vary, and I know that battling depression is an ongoing journey with no quick fixes. However, I would greatly appreciate any insights or personal experiences you can share. Thank you all in advance for your kindness and understanding.

Can you tell me why I feel like this?

(22M) Life is crushing me, but I am doing my best and hoping that everything will get better one day, What I wanna know is, why do I feel relieved when I think about death? Something tells me that everything gets better when I die, suffering ends but at the same time I am scared of dying. What is wrong with me? Am I depressed?

I'm tired of living.

I'm 18 (an introvert) and just finished highschool. I'm currently wondering if I just end things here an now, like you know, suicide. And I know, it's bad, but I'm at my limit. I tried to tell my "family" about my problems, but they either compare me with me cousins and relatives or beat me up until I stop thinking about it. Which obviously makes me annoyed and hate them even more. I try doing things I like, but they are getting dry. My emotions are getting numb. I can't feel anything but humorous and depression, and the things that I love can only bring rememberence of how I used to feel. I have no friends nor do I want to, neither do I want love. The future worth nothing to me. I losing the strength to even care for anything, even myself. Now what i am asking is not for help, I asking should it end this life? Should I just jump and end it all?

I’m not sure if this is healthy or not

I struggle heavy with my mental health. I am diagnosed with depression, anxiety, bpd, ptsd, and A.D.D. I have a new psychologist appt soon to find out more. I don’t have that many friendships in my life. I have people I consider a friend I guess but there is no friendship. The friendships I do have none of them struggle with mental health as much as I do or if at all. I am hurting really bad on the inside and it’s effecting how I view all my friendships and “friends”. I see people complain on social media all the time about how it’s so draining having a depressed friend so I really try not to let mental health be a part of my friendship but some aspects are just hard to not be talked about but I just feel so embarrassed when I do because I can tell they either just truly don’t understand, they don’t care, or both. I feel like I annoy everyone and then some of them don’t even like me anymore and I can tell. I ruined friendships before because of my mental health. The ways I ruined it before are different than now but I’m so scared to ruin another friendship. I have had in my head that maybe I should tell my friends like the ones I talk to everyday that I can’t be friends again until I’m mental healthy but I don’t know if that’s doing too much. All I know is I’m hurting so bad and some of my friendships are causing me to hurt more and more. I love my friends so much but I just don’t think I’m a friend anybody wants or needs and it’s hard on me to feel this way. My brain is just so damaged. I wish it worked normal so I could have normal friendships.

I turned 24 today, still depressed and still no friends

When does this misery end? No matter what I do, I get no enjoyment out of it. No wonder nobody wants to be around me. Fuck this, seriously.

I gave my Everything just to not achieve anything

Hello, this post is just something i want to get off my chest for the year to be able to live. I'm a class president this last year in high school, it definitely hurts me to say that, everything I've worked for and everything I've cried for, in my class, in my school grades, and even in my work immersion experience (on-the-job training) I gained nothing... not achieving a single thing during graduation. I'm tired of being forced to do this for the class, do things for our high school department, and giving my empathy to people and help them just to end up with a single honorary "with honors" which all graduates get, and almost not graduating, getting mocked by my classmates about it. I am aware that i could have done better but I wasn't really meant for this position. I was suicidal the whole year, many times thinking I could have been better. It crushes me bad that I've put what I can for my classmates, for the school just to end like this. If my classmates, y'all can see this. I just want to say. I'm sorry I wasn't the person you wanted to be, class 12 - Morse

life sucks

I'm so tired of life. Will things get better?

I feel useless

I have been feeling useless since I lost my job. Normally I work construction and I enjoy work. It distracts me from my depression. For about two months now I’ve been unemployed it’s been hard for me to find work. Thus making it very hard for me to not feel useless. I’m married and normally me and my wife work to pay bill and although we are blessed to make it on her paycheck I can’t help but to feel useless. I feel like I’m in her way. She tells me that everything will be ok and then I will find something but it’s hard not to hate myself. Some days I don’t want wake up because I know that I won’t find anything and I know I won’t do much with my day. I literally just sit in the living room watching tv and looking for work. Why am I such a bad husband.

Is depression real?

I have been struggling all my life to come to terms with the fact that I have depression. Few years ago, I up and went to a psychiatrist, and was diagnosed with severe depression and was put on SSRI and anti anxiety meds. Over the years, more and more issues have come to light and I am taking meds for those issues. But, to this day, I can't accept that depression is real, atleast for me. I don't know why, but I feel like I'm probably faking it to use it as an excuse to suck at life. That I'm just a lazy slob who doesn't want to move a muscle to improve his life. I don't know if I'll ever accept it. Edit: I'm seeing a psychologist too

What is this?

Ive been experiencing something i can't understand. Earlier i did some grocery. I usually know what should i buy so i just go through different shelves, after putting everything i need in my cart i started to feel that my head is splitting into two and feeling like i forgot something when deep inside i know i dont. I feel like i did not put everything i need in my cart and i need to go back to zero and check everything. Its the same as reading book. I feel like i really don't read the words clearly so i ended up rereading again and again which is exhausting.

any advice?

I'm in my mid-20s. A single guy, I started late so I'm still going through college. A few years ago I learned that I have a physically debilitating lifelong progressive condition. I've been bullied at school and since then always struggled with socializing. On top of that, I come from a religious family so I've been drilled to be a well-behaved, nerdy pushover. For the last year, I've been going to therapy, I haven't been diagnosed, but my therapist mentioned the likelihood of Aspergers, which didn't surprise me that much, it kind of made sense. Because of all these challenges Ive been struggling with depression, anxiety, feeling lonely and apathetic towards life. It's been very hard focusing, it always felt like my attention span was too short. Over the past 5 years Ive been trying to meet girls and go on dates. But those that I like, aren't interested in me and those who are interested in me I don't find attractive. I've been painfully rejected several times and twice as many times without the pain. This however made me feel discouraged about trying to meet new people because I know that it usually ends after 1-2 dates. I'm at the point where I open tinder or bumble, swipe, collect a couple more matches, 8 times out of 10 girls that I'm hardly interested in, and I don't even try texting because I anything that I tried before has failed and I remembers that these acquaintances never turned into anything lasting. I either am ignored from the start, ignored/ghosted after 1-2 dates, a couple of times it lasted until 4-5 dates but then I either heard that I'm awkward in some way, the I talk about things, the way I struggle with physical touch because I'm shy. It's frustrating, because even as an adult basically, when it comes to the opposite sex, hanging out, dating (not to mention intimacy) I feel like a kid sneaking cookies from the pantry. And even if I my cousin is married and had a kid already, I feel like I would still deserve a proper adult to stop me and ask me "what are you doing, don't you have homework? this stuff isn't for you, it's for adults". It feels suffocating. (I think it's all because of the religious upbringing and always hearing that as a teenager I shouldn't even find interest in the opposite sex until I'm a proper adult ready to start a family.) Recently I realized that I'm especially awkward around peoplehen wspeaking in my first language. I find it easier to socialize in English, and by association, I figured out it must be connected to the trauma from school. I am afraid to be myself in my first language, I revert to acting appropriately, being respectful, polite.. aaand serious, but in social context, it means that I'm boring and a stuck up. It's way easier for me to socialize and talk to people when I speak English, somehow, most positive relationships and influences happened to me in this language. Unfortunately, I currently live in a country where English speakers/foreigners are a minority. These challenges have left me with 0 friends after high school. I am somewhat more comfortable getting acquainted with women ( I don't know if growing up with two sisters has anything to do with that) but I think the fact that I'm basically rigid and afraid to be myself around men, is directly tied to my negative experiences from school. I've skipped one grade so I've always been around older guys and it left me with a permanent sense of inferiority and inadequacy around them. Perhaps at this point or even sooner you thought 'Shouldn't he discuss this with his therapist?' Well if that's so you can tell me that in the comment, maybe my current therapist is not that helpful and this post can be proof of that. I think what keeps me going is discipline (if I really have any of that). studying, keeping my room clean and organized, being physically active - running/swimming, eating healthy ( I think I'm on the verge of obsession when it comes to my health, no alcohol, drugs, minimum processed food, clean diet in general). Despite it driving me towards productivity, and away from procrastination, I don't find pleasure in the way I live. I do these things because I feel it's the right way to live, but I'm not happy. I also can't shake off the feeling that I don't like (another mark of religious upbringing) that engaging in most activities typical for my peers - going out, partying, drinking, the trends, interests, social media - that all these things are vanity. Lately, I have come to the conclusion that the only thing giving me pleasure is eating. I don't go out that much, only alone sometimes, I also moderately enjoy doing grocery shopping. In as much as that's pleasurable I am strict about my diet and luckily I didn't allow myself to become overweight. So I think about food too much, and that wouldn't be so bad if I didn't feel like my whole day-to-day life has shrunk to eating, and whatever I do in between, taking 3-4 hours breaks between my meals. Once in a while, there are days when I feel motivated and positive about my ideas about the future, but most of the time I'm discouraged about living in the position that I am, but also about making the ineffective attempts at changing my life. Do you have any advice? For what it's worth I considered moving abroad which I tried just as a high school graduate but returned to my country. I also considered enrolling in the army, to learn structure and discipline, and find purpose, but I have physical challenges that make that impossible. ​ ​ ​ ​

I have been sad for years. I fake it, but I find it hard to even try.

(25M) I want to lay over and just not exist some days. The reason I feel sad is based on situation in my opinion. I am not sure if it’s chemical, but it’s nearly every week. Sometimes every day in some situations where I just want to “not continue”. I wouldn’t ever do it. But, I hate the feeling because it trumps all responsibilities and plans. I haven’t felt at peace since I was 19. I had a concussion in junior year of HS and I did go to therapy for depression In freshman to sophomore year. I’ve had forgetfulness and lack of attention over the years, but that’s probably my ADHD ( unmedicated ). A family member said it’s because my brain went through (traumatic physical experiences) with my concussion. But, I shouldn’t be having anymore long term symptoms of a concussion at my age. I’m not sure. At 19 I moved from California to Oregon. Did a few jobs and had some bad experiences during the pandemic. Moved again nearly 3 years ago from Oregon to the south west. I’ve been a appliance tech 2 years, service electrician 2 years, and now I’m transitioning into accounting thanks to my schooling. I feel like I’ve been in survival mode. I don’t feel safe or adequate. I am always in a constant state of proving myself and I’m just tired. I feel stupid and lesser on a weekly bases. My only coping mechanism is ignoring my problems, but I can’t keep distracting myself. My relationships has always been short term. I never tried keeping up with anybody. The only people I do keep up with are a few friends from high school. Even my romantic relationships have been short term never lasting more than 3 months. I sabotage myself and I just end it right before it gets serious. I just feel sad. On the outside I’m overly happy, but I’m just rotting on the inside. I don’t know what to do.

Feeling obligated to stay

I always have this feeling where I just do not want to be on this Earth anymore like I just do not want to exist. But I feel like I can't do anything about it because I feel obligated to stay alive and be there for the people in my life. I keep having these phases where I will face 2-3 weeks of actual calamity, like a break up or a friend passing, or family relationships going south or just panic attacks and life stressors hitting me really hard. And then all of a sudden the next month or so I'll be in this lull where nothing happens, good or bad, and I feel absolutely numb. Objectively good things do happen to me, but I can't seem to feel good, happy or excited about them. All of this is made worse because I feel so alone and I feel like I don't have anyone to talk to. I have to make some major life choices soon(to see if I pursue further education or not) and I don't even know how to feel about it. One part of me wants to go to the school to have a stable career, another part is saying "what's the point you won't be here that long anyways". Everytime I WANT to think about it and try to process it my brain fogs up. Btw I'm 25f and I've had a gut feeling that I won't make it past the age of 25. Is that instinct or do I have some loose bolts in my head.

Friend literally ignores me when I have a crisis

I've had for about a week now this thought that I am a terrible person and I don't deserve to live. Last night I was crying while texting my friend about how I want to die because I am the worst person on Earth. She didn't answer to any message I sent and instead she went to sleep. She's literally the only person who I am honest with about my suicidal thoughts but she just never offers any kind words or support. She always just leaves me on read and I'm forced to sleep off my mental breakdown. She says she doesn't know what to say when I feel like that.

Life after depression

I (F43) had postpartum depression (second child) when I was 30 and full-blown depression when I got divorced at 35. I feel good now, but I've never felt like the person I was before my first depression. I became much more cautious with everything and reserved. Over the years I lost contact with the majority of my friends. I used to be very good at meeting people and making friends. I live abroad, and I previously held the role of being the point of contact for individuals from my country who arrived in the city I live in. Now I find myself at a loss when it comes to engaging in conversations with others. Maintaining connections with the few friends I have managed to keep has become a challenge for me. I long for more profound interactions with people, but I feel uncertain about how to initiate them or how to move from where I stand now. I often wonder if it is a normal situation after a deep depression or if I just grew boring. :) Anyone else with similar experience?

I don't think people like me and it's making me depressed.

I was bullied badly in school (I never really know why). Since then I've always had friends for very short periods of time then there is some sort of fallout over silly things each time. I've had fallouts with my family too. For years, I have tried and tried to make friends but they never last very long. I just feel like people don't like me. I've been described as sensitive and fiery. Although it confuses me because although I stand my ground I rarely ever lose my temper. I think I find it hard to let things go, especially when people are being shitty with me. I have tried to be quieter, less needy, more positive, more smiley... honestly i'm tired of trying now. I've given up trying to change who I am, I can't afford therapy and i'm so exhausted from all the hurt over the years I don't actually want to make anymore friends. People always say you should be yourself - but what if nobody likes who you are? ​ Sorry needed to get that out! ​

Existing

I don’t want to exist anymore, but I’m fully aware I wouldn’t willingly choose death. Instead, before I sleep I’d wish that I never wake up. I’m hoping to fade into nothingness instead of regretting being alive every waking moment.

My life is hell

y life is hell everyday I'm 33M I've been in a relationship with 32F for 15yrs and I've tried so long to be strong and keep everything together for us. She doesn't work but receives SS I work... but I'm about to quit she's quiting on me because she's bored... I just got us a new apartment literally last week on Wednesday july 7th it's cost me a 1k a month. My commute is 2hrs and when I come home there's no love just hate and now I just found out she's on dating sites but I feel nothing.. I don't know what love really is. I've never actually experienced it idk I probably have but wasn't sure. But my life is 100% falling apart I have Graves disease since October of 2022 I stress daily trying to make things better but it just doesn't work... fuck idk should I commit suicide? I think it's ultimate freedom I'm suffering here or should I just run away and leave the state idk what to do. I thought I was good man but I also feel so hopeless, helpless and voiceless. But it doesn't matter what I think I'm honestly scared I afraid to leave or die. But my life is hell I lost motivation to even do anything anymore I'm scared to be alone but idk I just don't know what to think... there's so much to say but again nobody is listening... I'm thinking about buying a new car and just running away but I know deep down I'm going to get far and just end my journey I'm alone I don't have friends everyone I knew or loved has betrayed me. I have done everything I think I wanted to do. I think it's best to go far away find a lonely place and decide to either shoot my self or hang myself but again I'm scared. I'm so sorry for posting this but I have no one to tell my story and my last moments.. I'm sorry

I don't want to die, I just want a different life

Im just so tired I had to be born in this toxic family. I never was allowed to socialize as a kid and now I'm graduating high school learning that almost everyone says I'm weird. And I know I am. I lack the social skills to act like how a normal person should. I don't have any role models or anyone to guide me in life and I just want to be normal. I'm so tired of my life being this. I'm so tired of feeling like I want to die or disappear every day since I was a kid. The only way I coped was through escapism. I was just always in my head imagining a different life where I was socially accepted and normal and just an actual person. I want to quit so bad. I want to be gone but I don't really want to die. I want to be alive but not in this life. I want a different one where I have better parents, a better body and face, and a better environment. A life where it didn't have to be unfairly hard for me. I'm just so sick, I want to go, I want to leave. I don't want any of this life anymore I just want to wake up in an entire new life. I don't know what to do anymore. Every second and every moment is torture I can't bear this anymore. My mind is not at peace it's so loud and all alarms are blaring in my head.

Should be me

I live in New York and every day the news talks about people who were shot or have died some how and I just wonder why not me!? Why is everyone who I’m sure wants to live getting killed but I’m not. All I want is to die, I want it so badly!

I hate myself!

I’m tired of being ugly! I’m tired of people being fake. I’m tired of people talking behind my back like I don’t notice! I’m lonely.. no one cares about me! “Be a man!” My past fucking haunts me 24/7. I can’t escape my mind reminding me of all the dumb shit I did! And how my sperm donor treated me! It won’t end.

Depression and travel?

I'm really considering wanting to go do my working holiday visa for 3 years in Australia now that the age has been increased after missing my chance due to covid. But I'm in such a rut with myself and back on meds and not dealing with the side effects very well at all. Or my moods. I woke up today thinking "how am I going to ever want to travel if I can barely face being awake?". Anyone else struggled through their depression to managed to follow their travel dreams successfully? Obviously I know that depression won't magically disappear and I have travelled short term before and juggled depression. But my current state is really worrying me that I'll not manage. Or that I'll not go in the first place, especially with my hesitation to make big decisions currently. Any advice would be grand.

When will I reach my breaking point

It’s getting worse and worse. When my daughter isnt here I just feel so sad. It’s easier when she’s here because I can put up a front like everything is OK I don’t cry as much but when she’s not here the weight of the world just falls on me and I just think about everything that is going wrong. I don’t know how to fix this. I wish that I wasn’t as depressed as i am. I don’t want to feel like this, but it’s so hard. My friends and family have no clue how close to the edge am. The only thing that is keeping me alive right now is the fact I don’t want my daughter to not have a mom. And I don’t wanna give her that type of pain in her life to know that I gave up and left her here. I’m just scared because I don’t know what it’s going to be my breaking point I take on so much I swallow so much and cover-up so much. I don’t know what is finally going to break me, and it scares the fuck out of me.

In case helpful

"The Great Depresh" stand up by Gary Gulman is so comforting and relateable as he talks about the struggle we all know and ends on a helpful and hopeful note. Love y'all 🎗️💛

It’s hard to have hope when you’ve been wanting to die for years

I don’t have any hope left I already accepted the fact that my life will never get better. I’ll never look the way I want to look. I’ll never have a girlfriend I’ll never have a normal life. I don’t know need to be rich I just want to be happy and content. But I’m just withering away in my room everyday. It’ll never get better.

I don’t want anything

I started having depressive symptoms about a year and a half ago. I didn’t get an actual diagnosis until 3 weeks ago. About the time I started having symptoms I started slowly losing the ability to want things. I didn’t realize it until now… I now feel kind of, completely unable to want anything. I used to REALLY want a relationship, or was excited about graduating, and not only getting a job by searching for one, about learning things. Now I just don’t care. Ive lost almost all ambition. I feel truly unable to want anything, I’m just floating around. Does anyone else feel like this?

I just need to vent a little

To make a long story short... My wife has some medical issues which causes her a lot of pain. I am the one who ends up taking care of her/household chores/bills. I am in no way trying to complain and/or looking to leave. I am honestly just on here to vent a little and just get this off of my chest because I have no one to talk about this to and don't want to tell her because I don't want to add emotional pain onto what she is already feeling. I am just tired I am so tired of being the shoulders and the caretaker. Saying this makes me feel like an a**hole and I feel kind of guilty for saying it but it makes me feel better.

Need ideas on how to push myself through this ...

I feel completely depleted. My husband of 11 years lost his eyesight 8 months into our marriage. We have adjusted to that life style change - he at home, me working, me doing all of the driving etc. However, 4 years into our marriage he was diagnosed with stage 3 colon cancer. Another hurdle but we worked our way through. My parents are aging and really need to be in assisted living. Multiple car accidents and frequent (three or more times a week) calls to the fire department when my father falls and my mother can't pick him up.They are very stubborn and insist on staying in their home although I have investigated and shown them multiple options for assisted living or in home help which they refuse. My only sibling has washed his hands of helping them. He has Multiple Sclerosis and his wife has terminal breast cancer that has moved to her brain. So he certainly does not have the bandwidth to handle any more than he and his wife's medical problems. I do understand that. This week I found out that my husband's colon cancer has moved to his lungs. I feel guilty for feeling anxious and depressed. I am the only one who does not have a serious health problem. However, I am the only one working and am in a high stress job. I am the only one in a position to help my family members. I feel so alone. My best friend who was truly the only person I confided my stress to died from complications of COVID in late 2020. I have no one to talk to and no back up help. Thank you for letting me vent.

Feel so stuck

I feel so stuck. Physically I don't feel alive, like I am not able to step out of bed and get things done. Mentally i have so many things going on and it feels so overwhelming and worst part is, I am at a crucial phase in my life and i HAVE to be productive, which I am not able to achieve. I am just very scared

I can't take care of myself

I struggle so much trying to get up and I feel like my perception of time is so warped. I have so much school work due tomorrow and rather than working on them, I'm here crying about how I can't get myself to do it. Is it some kind of overwhelming pressure or something? My grades are becoming so low and in an attempt to raise them, I end up neglecting other things that end up biting at me later and destroy my mental state then my grades will just lower again. I've only one term left until my year 12 exams. I feel like it's too late to fix anything because of my incapability to manage my emotions and mental state, and I'm embarrassed and ashamed of myself.

I turned 19 today.

Hey Reddit, I don’t know if this is immature or if I am too needy, but it has made me feel unwanted and unimportant regardless. So, I guess here I am seeking comfort and validation from strangers on the internet. Or maybe because I always remember everybody’s birthdays, wish them the earliest, and try to make them feel special and make cute posts about them. Those “friendships” were always pretty important connections for me. Maybe in this age of the internet, the word “besties” doesn’t even matter anymore but it mattered to me, and here I am in all my patheticness writing this for probably nobody to read. I thought I had friends. And oh my god I am aware of how needy I sound but I just feel invisible and ignored and sidelined and unimportant. Happy Birthday to me. All my relationships with people are more me than them, I think. Time to work on that. Edit: Thank you so much, everybody! Reading all of your kind generous replies has uplifted me so much. I am finally feeling okay. It gives me hope that humans can still find comfort in each other. I love you all!

I was told by someone to stop searching for relationships until "I got help". I've been in treatment for 19 years lol

I am having some relationship troubles that have made me feel hopeless recently, and I made the mistake of stating how this hopelessness made me feel as though life wasn't worth living. I was responded to with the suggestion that I shouldn't seek relationships with anyone until I got help and got better. Well, I've been in therapy for 19 years. 2 suicide attempts. Several inpatient stays. I've been on so many different antidepressants and antipsychotics and cocktails of this and that. I've done everything possible to get treatment. I still go through cycles of depression, sometimes very profound ones. I may never be fully ok. Don't I deserve to be loved and cared for and to love others despite this? If I can never fully get rid of my depression, am I relegated to die alone? I am so fucking sick of this. I hate the casualness with which "get help" is thrown around, like getting help is the end all be all. Not everyone responds well to therapy and meds. Some people can't access therapy. Therapy is sometimes violent towards the patient. Some people will literally be mentally ill their whole lives. It seems so cruel, especially with an illness that is made SO much worse with isolation from others, to tell me to forgo relationships with people until I'm well.

im in pain please help me

i just want to be free from this misery… i don’t want to do this anymore! no one will ever love me and I’ll be alone for the rest of my life.. i need someone to talk too, someone pls talk to me! i can’t even breath properly at the moment but i just want someone to talk to cause i don’t want to be alone and all my friends already left me.

i tried to give a second chance to professional help...

i went to therapy, and psychiatrist in the past, the therapy didn't really help. and i had bad experience with the psychiatrist which ghosted me after i started having complications with the antidepressants she prescribed to me. i started VSED, but for a moment i thought maybe it isn't too late. so i went and tried to make an appointment to a new psychologist. and every time i tried to choose an appointment the website gave me an error. i gave up after 5 minutes. maybe the universe telling me to give up...

I really just don't know what to do

I've gotten into a really bad financial situation. And it's been absolutely destroying me and my mental health. I live with a roommate who has a full time job and I'm a student with a part-time job. In April I was droped by medicaid and had I had to buy Obama care insurance. My medical expenses have skyrocketed. I just payed today 298$ for my one prescription because my new insurance doesn't cover it, and no good alternatives according to doc. Our rent is going up another 200$ if we renew the lease. It's gotten to the point where I skip meals completely just to try and pay all bills. And now me and my roommate ark asking their parents for money every month. My roommate has reached the point where she's considering moving back into her parents place, because it really isn't financially feasible anymore. Which I can't blame her for, and respect that Decesion. We already have cut back on most expenses and we still come up short for rent. The thing I'm really struggling with, is I don't have anyone to fall back on. Most of family doesn't even speak to me, because I'm trans. And my sister says no cause she has a newborn. I'm really really struggling with the very real possibility at this point of living in my car to finish school. And my part of me really would rather just quit before that happens. This is a real tipping point for me, as someone who has struggled with depression most of their life, coping with the idea of possible homelessness is so fucking scary.

Depression and now, grief

I’ve been depressed for 7 years. Persistent depressive disorder, even with therapy and medication. I’m already so miserable most of the time, and just last week my grandpa died completely unexpectedly, he was only in his 70s. We were really close. We were supposed to be on vacation with him right now, he wanted to fly the family out west to celebrate him and my grandmas anniversary. He was so so excited to go on that trip, he had been planing it for a year and a half. I don’t know what to do with myself. I feel so much more pessimistic and anxious, and I was already an extremely pessimistic and severely anxious person. Everyone who i’ve talked to about my depression has told me that things will get better, and they never have. Everyone says that time helps with grief, and I just have a really hard time believing that’s true. The daily misery I feel has been amplified so much, all the things I struggle with, like sleeping/eating/prioritizing my needs, have been so much worse since he died. This is the first family death that’s really deeply affected me, and I think because it was so shocking I can’t stop thinking about all my other loved ones dying. My mom will die someday, my dad too, every close loved one will someday pass and I will likely outlive many of them. It’s just so awful. I’m having a hard time finding. any advice on managing grief while already depressed, and I’m sure there’s other people here that have similar experiences to share. forgive me if i don’t respond to any comments, things are just tough.

Puking blood and pissing

I drink a lot a lot a lot and I drank a whole handle of vodka last night and then walked to the store at 1:30 am to buy some beers too afterwards because I wasn’t drunk enough (I am drinking to kill myself) Bought them and slammed them behind a dumpster. Walked back home, half way back I’m pissing my pants. Stop over at some alley to puke, it’s mostly blood. WOOP WOOP, I hear, goddammit. Cop makes me take a sobriety test or “I’m going to county.” I pass somehow, make it home, drink everything I bought. Puke in the sink for hours. Family meetup this morning, somehow ends in my brother threatening to kill me after smashing a glass against a wall after I make a joke about kangaroo meat???? I dunno man. I’m home again and drinking another handle of vodka. I hate being here

Why did I try to come out

I tried to come out as gay to my family but just got pushed back saying I'm confused I'm 25 I know what I'm attracted to. So I feel like I shouldn't have said anything why does it have to be hard

I have nothing

I lost every friend I had over a stupid girl, I have no family anymore, I have nothing. No motivation, no social life, I am so empty. I feel like I have a giant void in my chest, when I really thought i'd have friends again, they all stopped talking to me. I feel so empty, I used to be so happy. I lost my brother because of horrible things I said, my best friend never talks to me, and everyone else never reaches out. I am so afraid of reaching out and look desperate, I know they'd talk if I did, but I just can't. I feel like everyone hates me and I wear a mask constantly. Never once in my life, have I been honest. I'm a liar because i'm afraid of intimacy. I just want my old life back, I just want to wake up tomorrow and have everything like it was 6 months ago, or I just never want to wake up again. I am struggling so much, and yet maybe if I tried, i'd crawl out of this ditch i'm stuck in. I really thought I loved that girl, in some weird way I think I did. I lost everything for nothing in exchange. The only thing I got out of all this was an arm full of scars and horrible depression. I wonder if she had never spoken to me in art class, would I still have everything? Would I have still said the things I said? Would I still want to live? I hate depression, and I hate this life i've put myself into, I hate myself. I'm 18 and yet I already feel like i've lived enough, I just want to mend things, but I can't! I hate myself so much for what i've done and what a coward i've become.

existing is too becoming too much

I am so worn down. I cant eat properly, bring myself to get up, or do basic care for myself. Sleeping is such a comfortable escape but it just makes the feeling of wasting my time worse. My parents are trying to keep me up and I'm trying so hard but I feel like I'm crumbling. Suicidal ideation is getting worse, I sleep hoping I pass away, I wake hoping a tragedy befalls me. Why is time passing so fast? I still feel like a kid and all I want to do is go back to a summer where I didn't feel like I was a walking corpse. The world isn't waiting for me, it's sprinting and I'm dragging my remains trying to keep up. I'm terrified of this future that I'm not even willing to face. Every birthday makes me blanche, every new years makes me ill. I wish it would move slower. please. i feel so tired and small and vulnerable. it is costing too much emotionally, physically and monetarily to be alive like this. and i dont think i have the will to fight to live again a second time. is there anyone else dealing with this? i just feel so alone right now with these thoughts.

I want to die now!

I can’t take it anymore, please I just wanna die already. I’m tired of waking up! I can’t keep living in this shelter suffering every single day. I’ve had enough. I’m so mentally exhausted that I feel physically sick. Please, all I want is to die.

I’m probably just gonna end up killing myself

Title. I’m not suicidal, or maybe I am? Idk. Like I don’t wanna commit suicide, but I feel like at some point in my life (next 5-7 years?) it’s just gonna end up being my best option. I struggle at work, just getting in everyone’s way and not doing a good job. I’m probably gonna get fired, which has happened in all my previous jobs for that reason. Without work, I have no money, and without money, no food, house, clothes, etc. Not to mention the $200k of student debt I’ll end up having if I don’t drop out. But if I do end up getting a degree, and then a job, I’ll probably end up getting fired from that too. It just is starting to feel like I’ve nowhere else to go, like I’m on a plane that’s slowly crashing. A while ago, I was talking to Someone about this and he said “some people just aren’t meant to life life. I’m sorry you pulled the short straw but it is what it is.” At the time I thought it was a terrible thing to say but it’s starting to feel exactly right. Like my life story is just too perfect: Some random average nobody has some weird stuff wrong with his brain. Was always a bit weird, not many friends, not very smart, no girlfriend ever. Ends up struggling in the real world with a job and money, until he doesn’t have much of anything to live for. Then he quietly dies by his own hand, alone.

i hate doing this

but no one is there to listen. i'll type my stupid life story over and over thinking it means anything and no one is out there to empathize no one cares. i thought i'd be comfortable being so isolated but i think i'm losing it. i just want to do drugs so maybe i can figure out the answers as to why i'm so fucked up and then i want to die. when i get high the most real and overwhelming thing i feel is that i need to just kill myself. it's all i've felt since forever. just constantly knowing in my heart that i was going to die young and alone.

I'm taking a break .

I feel like I need to focus on my mh right now. I feel like lately my moods revolve around whether I think people like me or not. and its kind of exhausting. edit: I might still post a little, like I'm not giving up cats..

im losing this battle.

i have been getting horrible bug bites all over my body because of the pools of blood on my mattress. my last 3 suicide attempts failed. despite how hard ive tried im still alive. i need to use a different method does anyone know how to keep the bugs away? they are attracted to the blood but im not gonna just stop cutting seeing as how i need it to fall asleep. i really just want one reason to keep going. a hug or kiss or fucking something . my self pity has turned to self hatred. i dont know what to do. does anyone feel the same? i just need to talk to someone who has gone through similar pain.

Everyone hates me even my psychiatrist

She said you could have died, are you happy I took you off the meds? I almost died from the meds my previous psychiatrist put me on. I had serotonin syndrome Disability doesn’t care how intelligent you are, sarcastically, as long as you can move around. Towards the end she called me trash and to go away

feeling of complete shallowness

Hey guys. Im a computer science graduate from Pakistan. i graduated with a cpga of 2.96/4. I used to be really good with all the CS related concepts but then I started doing freelancing in my second last year with some friends and then due to personal conflicts with them i had to leave it by my last year in uni. I didnt take this lightly because i threw all i had in that freelancing gig, i was the one with the idea and i was the one who got us our very first project when we were thinking about quitting cuz we had no clients. Now im jobless and all of my friends have gotten some kind of a job. I never thought of myself as someone below avg and this is killing me from inside. it has been around 7 8 months that i just cant seem to do anything. i perform poorly in interviews and i just want to cry all night long, looking at what ive become. I wasnt like this, this is not me. i cant prepare enough for my interviews, i used to read a lot and i stopped that as well, i tried to get my life in order by sleeping early and doing daily workouts but i just fail tremendously all the time. i want to die, but im not suicidal, idk if that makes sense. i just want to stop existing. man this is so hard to write. im not looking for advice unless you have something that could help me land a job lmao which you dont and i dont expect you to. idk what im looking for, idk who this person is anymore, this fat fuck who was so good at programming that he used to inspire other people, who is now just a jobless bitch looking out for help. I am a muslim and i love my religion, but due to all this BS i went through I also stopped practicing my religion. i stopped doing everything i thought id never stop doing. its funny.

When I need people the most I am the most alone

When my ex broke up with me at the beginning of the year. It was torture. She was my best friend. She said some of the most hurtful things that have been said to me in my 22 years of life. More hurtful than things my abusive mother has said to me. I lost a mutal friend and idk what I did wrong, he just cut me out and hasn't communicated at all with me The things said cut so deep and it's left me with this feeling of inadequacy everywhere I go. I feel like I can't even go in public because I feel nothing but shame. I put myself through so much. I was putting my mental health on the line every to try to help hers. She never told me that our friendship was getting further apart everyday u til after she broke up with me. Ia single day i lost my only friend. People keep telling me I need to get out, I need to join some sort of social groups. But I don't know how. I truly don't know how. I have social anxiety and i just want to run and hide everytome i go out in public setting where I have to interact with people. Others will tell me todo soemthing with my coworkers, I want to but they don't want to. They hangout with each other all the time and I'm never invited. They know I spend 99% of my time off alone. I know when in not wanted. I've never really been wanted for long. I know when people start to want me around it's only a matter of time before they don't. And it scares me.

What is the point of Living

Of late i feel like my situation has gone even more bad. I have no motivation. No drive in life. Have cut off socially. Just lay down on my bed all day. I kinda feel like i am becoming more of a financial burden on my parents. So what is the point of living on this miserable life. Isn't it better if i just end it

I want my life to matter but it doesn’t!

Not in any sense that means anything anyway. I’m a good worker, that’s all I have for myself but that’s replaceable. People aren’t equal in the way that we all want to think. We can’t all be great but I’m not even a blip on the blip that we’re already on. I’m not terribly important to the people around me, I have very few loved ones if that. Honestly they more or less tolerate me. People confuse me and don’t ask me to come around and be a part of the mess of their lives. I have no importance. Someone can ask me what I’ve been up to and I have nothing to tell them because I am on auto pilot. I just live in my head and live this fantasy that doesn’t exist and it’s a huge disappointment for people when they get to know me. Goddamnit and nothing will change because I don’t have the capabilities to be more fascinating. I’m a rambling mess. I’m so bored of myself. I have nothing to offer anyone in any way that’s important and then I’ll just be gone and it’ll be nothing. I have no skills to leave the world. I’m nothing.

Not sure what I’m doing anymore

At the start of the year I had gotten out of a rough relationship which was the best thing that ever happened to me. I got my life together, started going to the gym, quit smoking, started some anti depressants, started my part time internship and was even interviewing for my dream “summer camp” job. Everything had spiraled down so badly I’m stuck in the same pit I felt years ago that nothing is ever going to get better, I’m alone, and it’s not worth being here anymore. I stopped going to the gym because I got wound up in school work, my dream job ended up getting mixed up in emails where I got the job but I ended up not being able to accept it so late in the year which I highly regret because now I’m unemployed. I need help, I want to know I’m not alone. I’m going to see my doctor Friday to see about changing my medications I won’t do anything to harm myself but I fear I will if nothing gets better. Can anyone relate? Share an experience coming back from this kind of pit?

my depression is coming back

I was undiagnosed with depression after not experiencing symptoms for months. but lately I had this strong feeling of hopelessness. I don't want to live like that again, suicidal and sleeping all day. I've noticed myself taking more and more longer naps recently, too. I never want to experience the misery and sadness I had experienced before. I'm currently in summer school (I'm 15f) because I missed an incredible amount of school from being in and out of mental hospitals. I don't know what to do. not to mention my millions of anxiety disorders making my life a living hell anyway. I really don't want to start off the new school year isolated and alone, I really just want to make friends this upcoming year and be a good student but if my depression comes back then I don't know if that'll happen... and if I go back to the mental hospital for like 90% of the school year I will never graduate. but at that point I probably won't care enough.

I feel worthless because I'm not smart

I see my life as worth less than anyone who is smarter than me. People say that intelligence doesn't matter when it comes to your worth as a human but that's fucking bullshit because those same people eat animals, just like I do. The only morally logical reason for eating animals is because they are dumber than us, therefore as much as people deny it people really do see less intelligent people's lives as worth less no matter how much people try to deny it. I am less of a being than them

I didn't know what to say.

I was at a festival with some friends this weekend. We were at our camps cafe, grabbing some food. At some point I mentioned that I was on a dating app. The woman working the register said something to the effect of "Why the fuck are you on a dating app, you're attractive". ​ I didn't know what to say, so I laughed awkwardly. I know she was trying to be nice, but she struck an invisible chord. ​ The truth is, I've been emotionally taken advantage/abused/lied to by almost every woman I've been involved with in the last few years. I don't know how to trust women anymore. Any woman I meet, my first thought is wondering how they are going to hurt me. ​ This mixed with already severe depression, well, I'm amazed I haven't ended things sooner. But I haven't felt like I wanted to disappear from existence as bad as I did that day, for years. Something about someone going "it should be easy for you, what's your problem?" just made me want to start crying. But I can't do that in public. I'm not so naive to think that a man crying in public would be anything other than a massive point of discomfort for anyone around me. ​ I'm not sure what this post was supposed to be about. I guess I think I'll die alone. Whether it's by my own hand or old age, I don't think I'll ever feel romantic love again. I'm fairly sure I'm broken and that in some past life I committed such atrocities that in my current life I'm destined to just waste away, alone. ​ If you read this far, thank you. I love you. The people I've chosen to say those words to don't seem to care, so I might as well say it to strangers on the internet.

Thinking about suicide gives me chills and make me relaxed

Yes as the title says. Whenever I feel so depressed and hopeless, suddenly a thought of lifelessness, inexistance and suicide comes to my mind and it really gives me good chills and makes me relaxed at the same time. Does it mean I really craving for it? Even most of the time, seeing suicide memes also making me so relaxed and energetic. While saying about me, at this moment I really feel hopeless and see no purpose in life. There's nothing I can do. If I want to do, I'll, but I lack that ''want'' in me. People around me.will.be sad for a period of time, after that, they'll accept and move on. Why should I get all these non-valuable ''experiences'' in this life?

I don’t know how to get these pictures off my phone

I have a lot of pictures of the dog I had to rehome. My dogs that passed after aging. I tried putting them on my pc but I didn’t for some reason. Every time I see them I remember them. I remember how I failed my dog that I had to rehome due to my job and depression. I remember how I’ll never have them to cuddle with. I’m trying so hard to be happy. Just doesn’t feel right. Just wanted to vent to someone. I don’t have social media anymore so I have not many people to talk to. I don’t talk to my friend and family because I feel like they hate me talking about sad things.

Struggling to Cope with Social Anxiety + Inferiority Complex + Burnout

I, 18M, just got back from orientation at a fairly well known school. Long story short, we had a lot of weird icebreaker activities and at the end had a dance party till 10. Everyone was bonding so fast with each other but I was sitting in the corner like a freaking loser filled with envy for their joy. This isn't the first time this happened and happens pretty much any time I go to a "fun" social gathering. I keep wondering wtf is wrong with me. Why do the others seem like creatures entirely different from me? Why can't I freaking talk to people and actually establish relationships with others and share in their joy? Am I not human like them? Am I just a piece of subhuman garbage who's company is utterly worthless? After experiencing such bouts of self loathing, I throw myself into my work to forget this pain. I grind programming and other work to prove to myself that I don't need people. But as a result, I feel myself gradually losing my passion for my work, like programming, which i absolutely enjoyed before. What should I do to stop this miserable cycle? All input is welcome and frankly even writing this out makes me feel a little bit better.

Is it wort it?

I never thought my life would have turn out the way it has... After my health took a plummet and I lost the abilities to walk also my writing. I seem to fill myself spiraling into a hopeless abyss of my own loneness, sadness, and fear. When I mange to show it, anger only reveals it's self. A lot of it comes from is where my brain got damaged is where my emotions are. My family aren't to trusting of psychiatry ether... I have no one to confide in. No more friends since they moved on with their lives. Secrets on my mind I keep hidden even from my own family nip at me every day. I don't want to take it out on my mom but my step-dad seems to love his dog more then any of us. He belittles her when ever he get a chance too. Then I get so irritated that I easily start to get mad at everything. He gets scratched by our one kitten and he swears he is going to bleed to death (I know the elderly have sear skin but a band aid covered the cut my mom gave him because it wasn't gushing blood as he claimed.) ​ ​ ​

Why do I want to die?

I want to kill myself, I want to hurt myself, I want to sabotage. I have hurt myself and I have sabotaged in many ways. But why? So many people have actual problems and real needs/concerns and they don't, and even the ones that do have more wrong than me because I have nothing wrong so why. I might just do it tbh. I have a plan, I could probably do it tomorrow. Nobody would know for at least 24 hours. I wouldnt want to put my family though that. What I'd wrong with me? Why am I even considering this? This is why I deserve it but also why I shouldn't. I'm sorry I went on a tangent. I'm sorry for making you read this. I'm just confused and scared and angry and sad.

I need someone to save me

I'm done with the self love, self improvement, self respect, self this, self that shit. I simply can't love myself. I can't do it. Something inside me is broken and it can't be fixed. What makes it worse is that everyone can see this like a neon sign, which is why nobody wants to love me either. So I'm now at a point where I essentially need a miracle. I need someone to want me, to actually value me, because I'm incapable of valuing myself. I need someone to save me, or I'm checking out, because I'm just so tired of waking up everyday and still being me.

A bunch of options but no solutions

My therapist and I have been basically meeting bi weekly, instead of each week. But I was able to explain today why even with all these choices, there's not really clear/good solution like each step of the way there's some obstacle using something regarding my parents/past traumas etc. I really just wanna give up honestly. I don't know where a breakthrough would come from but by all means I welcome it. One hour(not even because tech difficulties and sometimes my therapist showing up late) is not enough for these sessions, especially now bi weekly but welp. Better than nothing ig. Sometimes at the end of sessions they'll throw in some observation they made about me and I'm just like WAIT NO DONT GO TELL ME MORE because I've just genuinely gotten to the point where there's things I can't observe(particularly the positive traits) in myself. They have a whole PhD and stuff and shit I'd love to be psychoanalyzed and get some answers but idk if we'll ever really have time for those conversations.

pills to clear my mind

I’m not sure how to put this across, but ever since I sunk into depression at the age of 14, my thinking has been foggy and sluggish. I’m now 20 and it’s still the same.. it feels like my brain isn’t clear and my mind is forever in a trance like state. Does anyone else experience this? Are there any pills to help “clear” my mind? I know this sounds strange but it’s as if my mind is cluttered with trash.

I need help

I don’t see any point in going into why I feel the way I do so I’ll keep things short. Im frustrated, always angry and always have a problem with anyone or anything around me. I have access to weapons and I feel if I don’t get help soon I’ll do something unspeakable to myself and others around me. I can’t get medication because I plan on joining the army in a year, has anybody else felt like this and if so how can I get better?

I’m dying inside

So my mom died a few week ago, and my girlfriend stopped talking to me, I don’t know what happened I just feel like everything is falling apart 😔

I can't stand myself

I'm constantly going back and forth with how I feel about certain things or who I am. I've come to notice that I just hate myself or I guess hate isn't the right word I don't feel uh right minded I guess see even typing it down I don't really see why I'm doing this but I started for a reason right? Idk maybe I'm bipolar or something who knows. And there's so much I could say about how I feel about myself like I know I can be a monster at times or be the nicest person you'd ever met but it's as if it's two people sharing one mind. It's fucken tiring.

why can't my mom understand

I've been waking up multiple times in the middle of the night last week and now it's changed to waking up a set hours after I go to sleep, and I'll just toss and turn awake for 2 hours. I don't have the energy to do much, let alone the motivation to get out of bed in the morning especially when the thoughts I have hit me the minute I gain consciousness. My mom wakes me up every morning by screaming at me, she'll yank my blanket away, keep tapping me on my arm and neck and then grabs my arm and starts pulling me to get up. I've told her so many times to stop but she won't listen. I'm awake most of the night and my motivation to push through each day is getting less and my mom is making it worse for me. Every time I think I might be able to make it through the day without crying or that I might be able to deal with my thoughts to an extent, my day starts like this. She does the same thing if I try to sleep during the day though there's even more screaming involved. I'm so sick and tired and this makes me want to kill myself even more. Why can't she understand it's difficult for me already.

Always feel guilty

Sometimes I hate myself for not being upbeat and not working hard. I hate myself for making mistakes again and again. I don’t have the slightest ability to learn. When I am very sad, I want to make changes in revenge. For a while, but, but not for long, not for long, the sense of meaninglessness will linger in my mind again, "What is the use of me doing this, I am still the person who is not good at words, not smart enough and difficult to grow, no matter how hard I try，no more people care about me, and I won't find someone I love who loves me", and I have no hobbies, only some games that I love to play, and some cute animals that I can't finish watching sad? it’s okay, it will be fine after a while, and the meaningless waking at night will add a little more, until day and night are reversed, and I become a nocturnal animal.

Suicidal ideation without the end game.

I just wanna post this here to see if im not alone, I suffer from passive ideation, almost everyday and it's exhausting, It's sort of a coping method to deal with stress on the daily, which just creates a destructive loop. However I also have a brain wired in a way that does not take in the ideas of self harm, nor suicide, The idea of ending it all seems calming, but the thought of me doing it makes no sense. I've been dealing with depression for say, almost the 10 year mark now, So sometimes it confuses me with what My brain truly wants for me.

The only thing keeping me from killing myself is an anime.

I've wanted to kill myself and I still do. The only thing that's keeping me is Jojo's Bizarre Adventure. It's escapism for me. Sometimes I have a strong urge to just kill myself, but I want to wait until after part seven through nine is animated. It sounds fucking stupid, I know. I have an extremely hard time getting close to people. I have two friends but it's kind of hard for me to feel a connection with them. I'm very sure I have autism, but when I ask my parents to seek a psychologist for a diagnosis, they tell me that I'm lying and delusional, and that they know what they're talking about because my sister has autism. I feel stuck. I stay in my bed all day and it's hard for me to get up. I stink, and when it's hot I can't bring myself to take off the sheets because when I do, I feel so exposed and disgusting. My sister, (the one who has autism) told me to kill myself various times, and one other time that she was going to rape me. My parents excused her because she has autism. She's older than me, and I'm a fucking kid so why is it that they excuse her? I hate myself so much and I just want to kill myself, really bad. My friends have very different interests than me, so I can't ramble about them because I'd feel like I'm annoying them. Like I'm annoying anyone who I share to. I feel so lonely. I had an aunt come over recently and I wanted to talk to her about the world's I created, and she ignored me. I genuinely want someone to talk to, but they never care. The only one who cared was my uncle. He's neurodivergent, and is slow with processing things, but when I shared, he was actually interested. It never felt so great to share with someone who cares. Yet, I probably won't see him again in a couple months. Since there isn't much that's keeping me going, I just thought, might as well wait until Jojo's Bizarre Adventure is complete. That way I have something to live for. Sometimes I wish that someone could break in the house and shoot me.

Family constantly judges

No matter what I do for my teenage daughters and husband, it’s never good enough… I’m a stay at home mom with income from royalties and I’m still supposed to do all the housework just because I don’t have a job?! Most SAHM don’t have income, am I wrong? Don’t even get me started, if I god forbid drink a few beers before they get home…I’m the worst

Vent...perhaps advice?

I don't know why I seem to get ignored, not even acknowledge by people.. I don't know what I'm doing wrong for people to do that to me. Like they get a bad vibe from me. I try my hardest to be VERY NICE (not kissing up)but like seriously, the more I try the more it's hurting just to feel belong, heard or wanted. Sometimes I just feel/think I don't need to be here anyways.. what's the point? Really.

please reply

I feel incapable of doing anything. I feel completely and utterly worthless. I hate myself. I look in the mirror and I just hate what I see. I feel uncomfortable all the time. I just feel empty and like a sinking feeling. I don’t know how to describe it other than just sinking and emptiness. I feel like I don’t have a personality. I can’t take care of myself and I work a full time job and it’s becoming nearly impossible to do. I just don’t see the point in anything. I feel like no one will ever love me. I will always be too much. I am a weight to those around me. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know who to talk to. I feel so fucking awful I can’t do this. Can someone please reply to this. i feel so alone and hopeless.

My depressed friend and them having almost nobody in their lives

Hello. Not sure how to start this but I'm friends with someone dear to me, someone with a beautiful soul and an expansive mind, but a friend who has tried on multiple occasions to take his own life. I live in the US now, while they reside in the country I left. This country is riddled with economic failure and chaotic hiring protocols, so much that if you want a job, you'll have to either sacrifice a normal eating schedule or work 16+ hours for a living (or for a "surviving"). They do not have a job, but keep searching time and time again. This person is also of the LGBT+ family, and in a country that condemns that, it's hard for them to exist as themselves. The person has been to a psych ward, a recovery organization (like group therapy for 3 days straight), and has seen some therapists, and as of late, they cannot afford another due to aforementioned economy. They have cut themselves on the surface as far back as 2019, and this is the worst state I have ever seen them. Everytime they recover, they get beaten down again. Everytime there is hope, they are denied to have said hope. But the worst of it is that I know alot of their friends. Two days ago they told me nobody texts them back, and that they had to basically threaten unaliving. When I heard this...I didn't know what to say. I felt anger and sadness and shock and a whole plethora of emotions, and none even comparable to what he is feeling. They had this realization that they were in love with their roommate, and the roomate felt the same way, but had to take a few days away due to not knowing what they wanted (the roommate is struggling with sexuality). They said the roommate is the one light they've had for a while. I've never been close, moreso that friend who checks up every now and then to see how their life is progressing. And being away doesn't help. How can I help my jobless, relationship-traumatic, father-issued, economically declining, and depressed friend? I can't wrap around how anything I can do to help him. And I keep thinking that, just like my older brother, they'll take their own life, and I'll have to live on thinking of everything I'll never be able to do with them again, and everything I could and should have said. I don't want them to die...i don't... Sorry for the rant. I needed to say this somewhere.

I got caught with a lot of dirty dishes and soda cans in my room by my parents

They caught me before how do I get better at dealing with this I struggle to better my self and it's becoming a real problem for me.

I don't think I can do this anymore

I'm a screw up I just can't think the way everyone wants me to. I fucked up so many times that I can't think straight any more. I wanna do good I really do but I can't get it together.

i can't do anything anymore

i'm so fucking tired and hurt emotionally that i can't do anything anymore. i can't even bring myself to leave my bed because i feel so sad and i just want help. i need help. i don't know how much longer i can go before resorting to a final option. it's like im crying out to everyone around me yet they can't hear me. i spend most my days sleeping now, but also can't actually have a good sleep if that makes any sense. i don't get hungry anymore and i haven't cleaned my room in around 8 months. everytime i tell someone how i feel they just tell me i need to go on a walk or i need to just open my curtains and think positively but i can't. i physically can't. it's like i want to but even thinking about going to do it hurts my chest and makes me feel so much worse so i just avoid it because i'm scared of what i might do to myself if it gets any worse. i don't know what else to write, and i haven't had any motivation to even go on my phone lately so i took the chance while i am awake and on my phone to type this. thanks for reading i guess

?????

I'm in a bad mood, I feel like I feel nothing and at the same time I feel everything... Why is it always me who cares? ..I don't know why I'm writing here..I can't explain well what I feel and this bothers me

I'm stuck. I don't want to exisit anymore

I am really so over living this messed up life. Im 33f and my life is going nowhere! I used to have a good job, travel around great partner and i've lost it all. I am basically homelesss just staying at my mom, no real job have a failing business, no car, no kids, no love live, no savings and in so much debts. I wish there was someway to start over. Move to another country and start fresh.I feel like I am only exisiting..I feel like such a failure I don't even want to live anymore but I am afraid of dying.

Overwhelmed, crying and need to talk desperately

I think I just need someone to vent to. My chest is so tight and I feel like my world is crumbling over the smallest inconvenience. I need to pinch and scratch my arms. Sorry, just need to vent.

I hate how depression takes such a huge grip on my life

It’s so bad I had to quit my job I just started a month ago, I’m young (21) so while I’m in college I just started working at this grocery store, but still. It’s just embarrassing that I left already. I tried so hard and that’s what makes me feel even worse, is that I tried so incredibly hard and I showed up on time everyday and I worked early mornings and everything, yet I still failed

I wish someone wanted me to get better

I wish I didn’t have to fight this battle alone. I wish someone cared about me and wanted me to get better.

How do I help my BF

They are non-binary. They suddenly found themselves unhappy and unable to enjoy anything in the past couple of days. How can I help them?.

20 and still alone. Rant; title speaks for itself

I've been depressed forever and my parents would always tell me I'd get over it and make friends someday. When I was 12 I had 2 friends and only them, I lost them at 15 and have never talked to anyone again. I never talked to anyone other than them to begin with but now I literally just do nothing. I feel like I wasted my life waiting for something magical to make me just like everyone else, like I'd be happy and make a friend, we'd go to the park, maybe a party, talk all night and laugh. But I never got it. I didn't speak in school, and haven't gone to college. I try to go to parks almost daily alone, but I make sure to walk off trail because I feel embarrassed. A 20yr should have something more by now. A hobby, someone they talk to, at least one contact on their phone. I have snap and insta but I've never had anybody on them. I follow train tracks and play in creeks but I always think how much more fun it would be if I had someone with me. I cry over the life I could've had if I pushed myself more whether I was comfortable with it or not. I wanted homecoming, prom, friends, girlfriends, exes, funny moments to talk about from school, but I haven't done anything. And still don't. I don't think I ever will. I feel almost nothing now except for when I express this subject, it makes me feel worse and I do try to be social but my anxiety can't be surpressed for that long and eventually they'll see me mope and be pathetic lmao. It's even more pathetic to say I'm so miserably depressed mainly because I'm lonely. No family, friends, school life, college, can't drive, shop online, I do it all to myself-completely. I ruined my life.

Im a depressed 18yr old and I really need advice on how to not oversleep

Im a 18f living with my parents, no job, no license, about to start school. I cant seem to wake up at the time I want and I always always oversleep. I have no motivation to get up and because Im so tired I just go back to sleep when I wake up and I tend to oversleep sometimes sleeping for 11-12 hours a day. Its been a struggle because I can't do the things I want to do in the day because I oversleep. My alarms don't help because I just turn them off and go back to sleep. I have no discipline when it comes to waking up. Is there any advice someone can give me for this?

I’m the great pretender

In real life, I’m a senior software engineer at the age of 18, I help and train others at my job with a smile and politeness. I work hard to make sure that our work gets done while casually joking with my coworkers and always trying to be the sunshine in the workplace. When we go out some Friday evenings together to Karaoke, a restaurant, or some other outing, I try to make sure that everyone’s involved and having a good time together. When I get back to my beautiful house, I cry until my tears run out and pass out on my bed. I sit in darkness and contemplate how to end my life. I don’t have and never had anyone to hold me and tell me that things will be alright. No one to comfort me after I wake up from one of my nightmares or a panic attack. I don’t want to do this anymore, I can’t go on pretending that everything’s okay when I’m fading and dying inside. I can’t breathe anymore

Been crying since morning

I woke up sad. Tried to work, but have zero energy. And that’s making me even more sadder. I am not even able to finish a sentence without tears rolling down my cheeks. I don’t even know the reason. I could list all the to do tasks that are pending and all the things I am failing. But it was the same yesterday. What’s different today. I am sort of also gaslighting myself that maybe I am seeking sympathy and attention. But I don’t know anymore. I just don’t want to be sad. Why is it so difficult. I don’t know what to do anymore. I am tired.

If anything happens to me before everything gets worse

I will not be leaving any of my belongings behind. I will make sure everything is gone and sold. The people who have caused me such pain will not have to deal with any of it im sure they don't want to anyway. But the apartment manager wont get anything either. It and I will all be poof gone! This has been the worst life ever from the beginning and on top of all that my cat has to suffer also because the apartment is bug riddin. The bugs are driving him crazy biting him and he doesn't even have fleas. Pure misery.

Depressed for dealing with everyday life and Chronic illnesses

I’m 25/f. I have type 1 diabetes, epilepsy, chronic back and knee pain, a bladder disorder, some sort of stomach disorder I’m still waiting for results on, depression, anxiety, and Bipolar disorder. It is… exhausting being 25 and taking 8 different pills a day plus insulin, and pain killers. I don’t have much support from people. My parents, husband and brothers don’t really understand how hard it is to deal with this on my own… I’m so tired.. I wouldn’t call myself actively suicidal, but if something happened to me that would be life ending, I wouldn’t be too upset..

Vent

Right when my depression and suicidal thoughts are getting worse, my family members start being annoying as hell trying to drag me into their crypto scamming things. I honestly think I've never felt worse in my life... I always tell them that I don't want to do that but they just repeat the same things. "You'll make so much money with no effort" "you won't have to work a day in your life!", etc. Then they proceed to trash on my hobbies. The best part is they've been trying to make money off crypto for about 3 years and made 0 progress. So I know that it's just a bunch of nonsense. I guess tomorrow is another day of listening to their crypto crap. Kinda hope I just don't wake up.

I don't want to spend money on my treatment anymore.

That's it. I've been paying for medications and doctor's appoitments for almost 15 year, and It has made me really poor. I can't save for retirement or even buy a car, because psychiatric care in my country is really expensive. I was just dreaming about buying a gamer laptop, but I don't have the money.... Wanted to play Diablo 4. And I don't even have the money for the game, for gods sake. . I'll never be rich, but I would like to buy things now and then, but I can't. I just hate depression.

I need help for an online friend

A while ago I meet this man on reddit, he is 30 and I felt hopelessness every time I talk with him. Sometimes after we laugh and talk about some relatable stuff, I ask him what’s going on in his life. He told me he got some kind of trauma and he only stays in bed, stays a bit on reddit and thinks about life. I tried to talk with him about doing activities, spending his time more effectively, but he told me it’s worthless. His point of view in life is something like: Everything is meaningless and pointless, killing myself would be a better option than waiting to die of old age. Am I dealing with a person who believes in nihilism? I am unsure on how to call this behavior. He’s suicidal but unsure if he’s depressive, staying inside and isolating yourself are a few signs. Two weeks ago he explained to me how peaceful it was when he was in some anesthesia because he had some problems at the hospital. He kept telling me about how he wished he could stay like that forever, and how he wishes dying would be easier. That was my breaking point when I cried and made him feel bad because he shared that. I kept telling him that it’s fine and I’m alright. After a few days from that event he was inactive for a few days, and then he told me he will take a break from reddit. It’s been a week, I try not to worry but I find myself worrying on many occasions. The only good thing that I’ve done is that after we got closer I somehow made him agree to go out with his family, he went out more often after that. I made him promise me that he wouldn’t kill himself (he attempted a month ago, I meet him a week after that) but I am unsure if he will keep that promise. What can I do? Is there something that I can do? Sorry if my English is bad!

Implosion

I'm falling apart again. Today I feel like I did before I went inpatient in the hospital 6 months ago. I can't put it into words. I'm sure all of you feel it or have felt it before. Just this absolute fear and sense of doom. This empty dread that makes me want to cry. My pointless life. All of these wasted years. It's unbearable. My entire life has consisted of isolation and hiding from my peers. Being ostracized and never fitting in. I lived my life online from an early age and had little social contact. Never developed social skills, confidence or the tools I need to survive adult life. I wish I knew what it would do to me. I'm mid 20s and time has gone by so fast. Almost 10 years since high school and I've accomplished nothing. In fact I've regressed to a less developed state since then. I'm watching my mom grow old and I can't stop it. All I can do is try to make the most of the time we have left. When she is gone I'll be all alone in this world. I can't bear the thought of losing her and having no one. It's a death sentence. Yes I'm being melodramatic. Yes it's self-pity. I don't care. I'm being consumed by it and am going to implode.

I'm sorry,I really want to give up

I'm sorry that I can't see or believe a way out. I'm sorry to everyone who thought I'd make something of myself. I'm sorry to myself, I wish I was more stubborn, and stuck to what I wanted out of my life instead of pleasing other people's wishes and opinions. I'm so tired of just dealing with people's anger. Like it has to be blown up at me, even if nothing's my fault. One parent says hurtful things and acts like nothing happened and the other comes back says sorry but both will do it again. My mom's dissatisfactions with her life are literally parallel to my own, I don't understand why she doesn't see that as like alarming. But no instead of seeing why she should allow me some change, she wants to tell me how much worse she had it and still has it. I can't figure any of this stuff out at every step there's just obstacle after obstacle often placed by my parents, and while moving out would theoretically solve all that, I just can't afford to.

Life is kinda silly

I whacked my head and may have a very mild concussion and now I'm just thinking how incredibly dumb my life is and no clue how I got here haha. Life sure is taking me on the stupidest ride ever and I wanna get off

I’m done

Just took some pills idk if they’ll do anything but hopefully this is my last post. Can’t do it anymore.

I just feel like killin myself

Me M 13: I have had severe depression since I was like 9 in context it's not that bad but I can't talk to parents cause ethey wouldn't get it and I've tried but here's the story So my friend introduced me to a girl 13 and I asked her out she said yes and we went on a date and I loved her but then (behind my back) she asked out my best friend he said no and then she got depressed and broke up w me then I went into a more severe state and have thoughts to kms everyday someone anyone help me

okaaay

Ok , so mow I'm a villain and my depression knows no bounds, I've jumped to the other side and I can't stop thinking about how miserable I'll be if I go thru with this shit , it's like post nut charity, but reverse. Not gone lie I've been better than ever what ever that means. It just seems that the load is a bit lighter for some reasons, doesn't mean I don't battle with fluctuations in my emotions. It's more so that I've found this point of focus where I can kind of observe my spirals, instead of participating, and helping them gain momentum. I just hate how something that didn't really help helped me see how much happiness is still within my reach.