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R-Arfin

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Depression

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Working with depression is embarrassing and lonely

How you guys do your job , how you keep your lifestyle based on your job routine when you have depression, when you have this fucking harmful thoughts in your head all the time , looking all confused and shit. I can't fucking do this man , I'm alone and terrified.

Nostalgia is eating me alive and I don't know what to do about it.

Rant incoming, so I apologize. I'm also extra shitty right now, so it might sound sappy or cheesy but here it goes. I turned 30 in April, and I feel more and more every day like Father Time is coming for me. This feeling has been killing me for 6 years now. I was laying in bed next to my girlfriend last night and she reached over to romantically touch my face or whatever, but then realized that my face was wet from tears. I'd been staring at the ceiling in the dark, crying in silence. She asked me what was wrong, but I didn't have the energy to explain it. We're both relatively advanced speakers of each other's languages, but there is still a barrier, both linguistic and cultural. On top of that, she's a very positive and happy person, whereas I have a multitude of disorders I can't even get fucking medicine for in this country. While she loves me and supports me, I just don't think I could make her understand how I feel. She didn't know what I was thinking about. ​ I was thinking about, as usual, how full of discovery the world used to be. I was thinking about landing my first kick-flip when I was 10. Back when time wasn't an issue and I could do whatever made me happy at all hours of the day. I was thinking about how it felt to run across the map in WoW to meet my buddy for my first dungeon. How it felt when the 360 was first released and I stayed up until 6 in the morning playing Dead or Alive and making friends with randoms. I remember going to my first concert as a kid during the American Idiot tour, back when I had heroes. Now I realize most people are just washed up adults like myself, run down by daily monotony as their 9-5 eats away at 1/3 of their fucking lives. But when I linked up with my buddies on Minecraft Alpha and explored the world, there was no time. It was just freedom. Listening to Blink-182 all fucking day, learning to play the guitar, playing my first shows, getting hype when I saw Rock-Lee take his weights off for the first time, playing Oblivion all summer, birthday sleepovers with Little Ceasar's pizzas stacked to the ceiling and homemade Smash Bros tournaments... It all fades away. People move on. My old friends all have their lives and I have mine. ​ My dumbass thought moving to Japan would be a reset. I've fallen deeper into alcoholism (going on 6 years now) and I'm so tired of self medicating. I've become such a spiteful, hateful, depressed person. I just wish I could be a kid again. I miss my family too. I miss America. That's all. I don't know if anyone else feels this way but it hurts really bad. At least I have my girlfriend. She doesn't really understand, but she loves me and supports me. The worst part? There is NO HOPE. I will never capture that magic again.

Feeling detached with Society

So lately I feel dead inside... I have stopped caring about future... because it seems like I am slipping into a blackhole.. Everything seems doomed so I am not caring about it anymore... Now I feel emotion less..I do enjoy listening to songs though sometimes.. I just feel this urge to get lost in a deep forest and never come back.

First long depressive episode in a long time (sorry it's very long and possibly nonsensical)

I don't know what I'm looking for here honestly. I definitely needed a place to say all this though so thanks I've been having an episode for almost 2 weeks. It's been a long time since I've had one longer than a couple days. I've been so so sad and I have a hard time dealing with it. I don't even remember how I used to do it before. I haven't found a therapist yet, but I'm looking still. It started out with intense boredom. Because I was bored I spent a few hundred dollars between two stores over the course of a week. Then a few days ago it felt like my mind was going 100 miles an hour. I felt the extreme need to find a way to try all the things I wanted to do that I couldn't or wouldn't because of anxiety. I couldn't turn off my mind. Today I went to bed out of boredom in an effort to not spend money just to feel a little better. Luckily my friend and I were able to talk for a while. I'm so under stimulated at times and it usually makes me feel worse. Work is the same as always. Frustrating and sometimes anger inducing. I like my job but it's a mix of people playing dumb, two of the leads having a weird back and forth over who is the favorite with two of the doctors (it's so embarrassing to see), and low pay for the amount of work we do. I'm stuck there for now because I haven't found anything better pay wise. I've always struggled to identify and express my emotions. I've been on the verge of tears for days but I've never been a crier despite wanting to. Every so often I'm reminded that I'm cold or heartless. It's meant to be a joke, but it doesn't feel that way. I'm more than capable of laughing and joking, but I don't always want to- especially lately- which ends with me being told I'm no fun anymore. I told my dad I wanted to take a theater class to see if I still like it and he laughed. After saying I was serious it took a minute before he realized that, but that kind of reaction is a common occurrence for me. I so much as express discomfort with issues at work (that I have addressed at work btw) or my health struggles some people in my family jump to saying I'm being lazy, whining, or that I'm not doing specific things for my health despite me saying I've tried everything. My health issues aren't awful on their own but together I'm easily exhausted some days. But because of those things, I've stopped bringing up any of those topics to my family. I don't have much of a life outside work so I just don't have anything to talk about. But then someone thinks I'm being secretive sometimes. In truth I feel like I've let myself down. I have 2 degrees that are "useful". The second one I was finishing as COVID shut everything down. However, when COVID hit the pay was cut for jobs I was qualified for, there were hiring freezes, or the jobs flat out disappeared. One job in particular was cut for about a year and a half, but now I don't live there and can't afford to do so anyway. I had to move back home 2 years ago because I couldn't find a job that paid enough. To cope during this episode I've been rewatching one of my comfort shows. Yet I just end up in a weird state of tearing up because teenage me wanted to be in shows like the ones I watch and love now, but also feeling a little better because I don't have to think too much about whatever is going on with me. Honestly I wish I had listened to myself and not what others told me when I started school years ago. I would still probably not be making good money, but at least I would enjoy working in theater or something related. I hoped so much for myself but I kept going with what was logical. I should've listened to what I felt was right. Relying on logic as been mostly to my detriment. I certainly don't make it work like Spock lol

I want to kill myself so that someone would atleast comfort me and hug me.

I know it’s pathetic to actually try to kill yourself just so you can get someone’s attention. But that is unfortunately my reason. I just wish someone would comfort me and say comforting words. But I know it’s impossible and just a stupid fantasy that I’ll imagine. When I did try to attempt in front of my parents, all they did was scold me on how much of a burden I would give them for the burial fees.

Is this typical depressive behavior?

I (30F) was in a 5 year relationship with no major issues. Living together for two. My partner (35M) had depression and attempted suicide before meeting me, but was stable for most of our relationship. A recent phone call from one of my exe's distant family members apparently triggered a past childhood trauma. Basically, his grandmother is dying and cannot speak anymore. He says that he was very rude to her when he was a kid, and now that she doesn't speak, he will never be able to apologize to her. Aside from his grandmother, the only other family member he has is his mother. They didn't have a good relationship for most of his life, but he is now trying to make amends with her and even bought her a surprise trip to apologize for "not always being a good son" (she was always the bad mother and he has nothing to apologize for). His father was an alcoholic and an abuser. One week after the phone call, he decided to end our relationship because he "wasn't fulfilling my needs and I deserved someone better". He is not feeling suicidal this time, but deeply needs to find and forgive himself. He feels unworthy of love and continually says that he is a monster. He started drinking and getting drunk after the break-up (I never saw him drink). After further talking with his best friend (who is a therapist), we came to the conclusion that, after this event, he probably changed his mind about not wanting kids. I confronted him about this, and he said that now that he realizes he has almost no family left, he believes he was always born to be a father. However, he is not even sure he wants kids, it's just a thought that has been going through his mind. Since he knows that I have never wanted children, this decision was also one of the reasons for the break-up. He said our relationship was the best that ever happened to him and that this is the hardest decision he has ever made, but it was better to do this while we're young. Is this typical depressed behavior? After moving out, should I just go no contact and give him space to figure out whatever he wants?

Life feels so empty, meaningless and boring

Life feels so empty and meaningless. I feel guilty because my life isn't bad at all. I have little to no struggles. But im in a constant state of boredom and feel empty all of the time. Part of me feels like I want to just plan my suicide but I want to make sure I leave my family with some money and no debt. So I feel like I'm stuck here until I what I have left in Credit card debt and my student loans. By then my 401K , Stocks, and other assets should be be sufficient to cover any bills, expenses, funeral costs, as well as fund my family. This doesn't include the several life insurance policies that I have, but I suppose they become null and void if I were to go out this way. I'll probably get back into a normal mood again, because I'm definitely in Bipolar depression, but this feels much different because I'm actually functional with work, going to the gym, hygiene, etc. Anyways my head is all over the place and I just wanted some place to rant my emotions since I don't want to burden anyone in real life. I also kinda just been avoiding friends and family or just humans outside of work or receiving my ubereats deliveries. Rant over

I feel so alone…

I’m in my early 40s and generally only suffer from seasonal depression, but this summer I broke my leg at the start of the summer. My wife has been a real trooper in picking up the slack at home, but I can tell it’s wearing on her. I can’t help but feel like a total piece of shit as she sighs when she needs to go get stuff for the kids, clean the kitchen by herself etc… or tells me that I need to have a more positive attitude for her because things are already hard enough, or gets frustrated when I can’t do the things I used to and then lectures me when I try to do too much because it will lead to longer recovery. I love her to death and can tell she’s doing all she can but us frustrated. My therapist is out on medical leave and it’s clear everyone I talk to about what I’m feeling is burdened by it or doesn’t want to hear it. Fucking sucks having to white knuckle it and pretend to be happy until things get better and I’m not such a drain on everyone. Just had to rant and get my feelings out in some way.

What is happening to me?

I thought I was getting better, but it seems it's the other way around. At this point, nothing makes me really happy anymore. I can't understand how on Earth are people helping their mood get back up with simple things like eating their favorite food, watching a funny movie(btw I can't remember the last time I had a good genuine laugh) or any other simple things. They don't work on me. Worst thing is, even video games seem boring now, and that scares me the most since I used to love games so much. I hear some people saying how they can't stop playing games all day. I'm actually jealous, I'd do anything to return back to the days when I used to play with so much passion. For about 2 years I've started riding electric scooters and that really worked for a while, it made me happy, now it suddenly feels more like a chore. I have 0 reasons to worry about things. I don't have any debts, I live alone in my own apartment and it's not like I can't afford things. All my life I thought money can buy happiness, but for a while I keep thinking if it's really true. Ok, money maintains happiness, you need them, but looks like they won't buy it either. Right now, I feel numb and it's getting worse. I'm 27M. I can almost imagine what's gonna happen, like...my brain will just shut down in the next years?

I’ll never be happy ever again

I already know how my life is going to end. My future is going to be nothing but pain and sadness. The only time I feel peaceful is when I’m asleep I don’t have to do anything or worry about anything. I just want this to end I don’t want to be here anymore it’s unbearable being alive.

Executive Dysfunction Help

I've been struggling with executive dysfunction for years now but its gotten to the point where it's affecting my relationships and ability to work. I was wondering if anyone had any tips or advice on how to start bringing myself round to even keep ontop of the bare minimum stuff like showering, eating, laundry etc? Any advice or resources are more then welcome and would be massively appreciated.

Suicidal ideation lead me to finding my endgame.

I rarely sleep and so I'm usually awake trying to find the motivation to do something, anything but I cant. I just end up back in my mind and when I do I overthink. When I overthink, I always keep circling round back to ending it but lack the constitution to do it. But that changed a month ago. It's like I had an epiphany: starve to death. I'm already half way there BMI of 15.2. This method is subtle for me as I've always been skinny. I started starving myself 2 weeks ago and went 9 days before being admitted to the hospital. Learnt my lesson not to go so quick and had to convince the doctors and mental health crisis team that I'm not suicidal just really depressed with life. Still got referred to an ED clinic, just got back from them in fact. Again had to convince them that I don't have an ED and I don't care about this process, he straight up told me he couldn't force me to do anything unless I was a threat to myself. So I don't think I'm an outpatient there anymore. They said they wanted my GP to monitor me by being weighed every 6 months. Pretty sure I can get around that, so that solves being monitored. I feel like a burden has been lifted off my shoulders and I like it. I like the feeling of control I have, something I haven't felt in so long.

My life is empty and i dont know how to get out

Don’t get me wrong. There are a lot of people worse off than me and i acknowledge that, im very grateful for what i have but i live in one of the most expensive countries on the planet. I will never be able to buy a property. Im almost 30 and still live with my mom because its the only affordable housing. I get home after work and don’t have the willpower to leave the house. I have a great passion for sports but my body is so broken down I can’t even walk for 10minutes without excruciating pain. I have a good group of friends but I see them building a life of their own and I just cant get going on my own. Can anyone help me…

I think about this sometimes

“When life gets you down, you know what you gotta do?” “I don’t wanna know what you gotta do.” “Just keep swimming, just keep swimming, just keep swimming swimming swimming.” 🐟

I wish I were famous and rich, my life would be totally different

This is not self-promotion nor advice post. I'm a struggling female rock/metal musician who never gets gigs in Poland etc. and a lot of people told me this is not the period of famous rock star and I don't know how to cope with it. I hate my life so much, because of that. My biggest dream was to become a rock musician, but it seems AI takes over and for average Joes or Kates it's easy to get cancelled. I will never get out of my depression, because I feel worthless.

i am actually such a loser

i have nothing to live for. i hardly ever talk to anyone and when i do it goes bad somehow. i feel so detached from the whole world, like my own little bubble i can’t get out of. all i want is to be able to be happy with who i am both physically and mentally ,and have a happy lasting relationship with a man who loves me and just me.. but i know i’ll never experience those things so i don’t know what the point is. i had what i thought was the love of my life but it crashed down because of me being ugly and unlovable:( Honestly i think it’s too late. i’m too damaged and i’ll never trust somebody ever again. i don’t believe in love anymore because i just can’t. maybe it can for the lucky but never a waste of space like me.. i’ll never even have the chance to live. and i want to i really do. but these conditions aren’t worthwhile nor bearable to live through decades in. loneliness makes you insane ,and the longer i go the worse i feel. and when i think things can’t get worse, they always do.

What I want for my birthday they can’t give

My birthday is tomorrow I get asked what I want I just want to not feel soo guilty about everything I do that I need extra therapy or to feel like I’m not a burden on everyone I meet cause I have so many problems to be able to be honest about how I feel to my friends without feeling I’m putting a lot on them What I want is to not feel so worthless like I’m not worth a gift or anything but yet I’m stupid enough to want one to not feel alone to be able to rely on others without feeling guilty stupid and to feel less numb and less worthless That’s what I want

Blood count, CBC full blood count

Male/30 year old. Can someone be please explain my bloods just received back, my MCV is 106 and MCHC 292, I have health anxiety am just assuming the worst as I have felt pretty bad lately dizziness and bruising

Found a post I made 10 years ago, nothing has changed since

I logged into an old account on a website where I posted on March 31 2013, a few months before my 18th birthday. I basically just rambled on about how I don’t think I’ll last much longer, that every day is misery for me, that I feel numb, that I had been feeling that way since I was a kid and that I don’t see things ever getting better. I’m turning 28 tomorrow and still nothing has changed. It hasn’t gotten better. In fact it’s gotten worse. I was completely disassociated back then, living in autopilot, had repressed memories of severe childhood trauma that I only recovered two years ago. It’s so much worse now. Is this all my life will ever be? Thinking I won’t last much longer only to live another 10 years in misery, unable to kill myself out of a mix of fear and hope that it might get better eventually?

Thoughts on maintaining your friendships during extended periods of (literally) disabling clinical depression?

Asked a similar question in another (non-mental health focused) sub; lots of lovely replies, along the lines of "I'd like to think my friends can tell me anything"; recommendations to seek therapy, etc. But it really brought home how "severe depression" means different things to different people. I have clinical depression (and other diagnoses). For the last 2 years I've been in a major depressive crisis so severe that IMve had to stoo work, have spent time in hospital, and can't function the way I used to. I'm medicated and in therapy, but my issues are complex, and support is limited. Recovery is happening, imperceptibly slow, and realistically a long-term thing. "So you have this friends who has severe depression," I asked in another sub. "How should the keep up with you?" I got lots of lovely, compassionate replies in the vein of "my friends can tell me anything!", which is heartwarming but doesn't quite work when your depression is bad and near-chronic. But it really brought home how "severe depression" means different things to different people. For the last 2 years I've been pretty much housebound with severe clinical depression. I've had to stop work, spent time in hospital, and can't function the way I used to. I'm medicated and in therapy, but my issues are complex, and support is limited. Recovery is happening, imperceptibly slow, and realistically a long-term thing. I'm not as present a parent as I'd like. I can't travel. i have no self confidenc Th worst part is some friends think I've snubbed them because I shut down at the beginning of this depressive period. I really want to stay in touch with my friends, but get why they might pull away or not share happy things. When they do get in touch they want to know "How I Am", and suspect they selectively conceal their own news "just in case it upsets" me. For the record I hate this. I want to hear everything that's going on with them! I'm already isolated from moving away from the city to start a family, and there are even people who think my depression is me snubbing them. This also happens when I leave people on read for ages (which only occurs because my executive funcion is poor-- got locked out of my house today just taking the trash out earlier), and -- again -- people understandably draw conclusions about the *whys* of my behaviour: often deciding I'm "playing games" with them when really it's just executive dysfunction I don't like to talk about it, partly because once I tried, and was accused of exaggerating - which I found quite damaging -- people know I'm having a rough time and trouble accessing support, but they may not know the extent. Is this anyhing you've dealt with? I just want my friendships to stay without causing too much bother.

Wish there is some happiness

It has been quite a while since I have started losing interest in life. Thought about bringing an end several times but honestly didn't have the courage. Every day starts off with me encouraging myself to live but there is nothing good, nothing postive happening. I have tried to resort to alcohol to find some courage to end my life but even that has not worked. The thoughts of my parents, to an extent has stopped me from doing it. But with every passing day, things are getting worse and the feeling to end it all is gaining more weight. I wish, truly wish that I could overcome this and find some happiness!

Just need to rant on the internet

I’ve gotten to the point where I realize no one cares. No one cares when I’m sad. No one cares when I’m mad. No one cares about anything I say. It’s just words, like background noise to them. My mom would say I’m pessimistic but when I’m at my lowest and need someone to just listen, lend a hand, it’s radio silent. We’re all out for ourselves in this world and I have to recognize that. No more dreaming of a world where if they just knew, maybe they’d care. I’ve told them. They know. But they choose not to do anything. They’re comfortable in their ivory towers looking down at me. It’s not anything against me, it’s just most of us are narcissists at heart and why should we care when no one’s been there for us. I used to be a good person. I used to always happily tip 20%, say thank you when people held the door, but now I just go through the motions. I know no one’s really there. It’s all just a play- a little reenactment of a child’s imitation of a good society. I stopped caring about them because they never cared about me. I just don’t know why I’m trying so hard when I’m miserable no matter what I do. I’m not going anywhere. I huff and I puff and all there is, is a blow of air even an ant wouldn’t notice. I’ve tried to end my life before. I’m scared to do it again. But that’s how I feel. Depressed, stressed, and used. By a system and society that could care less about me. And friends and family that are so wrapped up in their own issues they don’t even seem to notice until I’m back in the hospital from another suicidal attempt.

I'm done.

My life has hit it's logical end. My kids are almost grown and I barely see them, I'm divorced, no real friends, my parents will be dead soon. I've done all of the big life things and everyone will have left me. I'm tired. There's not any point. I've checked all of the boxes, and I'm done.

I cannot be helped.

No amount of TikTok, Instagram, religion, spirituality, pep talk, socialising, talking about my feelings, school work, crying, YouTube, Netflix, reading books, cooking and baking, watching TV, sleeping, eating, going out with friends, drama, activities will ever help me. I cannot stand my mother right now, she makes me want to kill myself by a 10 fold. These past 2 days and today have been absolute hell. There’s not enough time in the world to explain why. But I was fooled, I have a sister (F16) and she’s having a two day trip to her boyfriends house and then to a concert, cool, I myself don’t usually go out with friends and I’m too ugly to have a boyfriend so most of my free time I’m bored and lonely. Now this has been happening for quite some time. It does always sting and hurt a little bit when she announces every week that she’s going to some place new or I wake up and she’s not even at the house and comes back home at 11. I’m envious of her great relationships and how stylish and pretty she is. My whole family are amazed by her style, they’ll put hundreds of pounds and time into making her look good, something that’s never really been returned to me. Although like I stated this happens multiple times per week so by this point I’m doing myself a disservice by not attempting to get over it. So imagine my surprise when I thought this was going to be the usual thing, and it turned out to be the most SHIT days of my life. My anhedonia went CRAZY, i no longer felt ANY emotion , I got into 2 different arguments with my family about my depression and my whole world shifted. I’ve been bawling all morning, writing posts on here and contemplating suicide. I’m not religious but I was on my knees praying for god to take me out. I stay in my room and mostly keep to myself but my mum is forcing me to stay downstairs and it made everything worse. All my family do is gossip and talk about news, watch crime documentaries. It’s so distracting especially when I’m trying to do work (I’m homeschooled). They think my depression stems from homeschool FUNNY THING IS I LITERALLY AM TRAUMATISED FROM PUBLIC SCHOOL. LITERALLY NOBODY UNDERSTANDS. I HAVE NOWHERE TO TURN. It’s become so comical. I’m just gonna push through until it gets so bad that I have to kill myself💀

I want to dream the best dream and stay that way

I am getting so tired of...existing. I want to see the best dream I can have, and just keep on dreaming. I don't wish to wake up. Heck, I am too chicken to un-alive myself. My ideal dream would be : 1. Finally find the love of my life and get married. I am 31 and I never had a long term relationship. My dates all ghosted me after a few times. 2. Have parents who are mentally stable and aren't controlling or shady about what they do. 3. Being free of chronic health conditions I have (IBS, skin irritation from heat - I can't go out in the sun without a mask and a parasol or it flares up reddish, near-sightedness, and insomnia). 4. Be shorter. My tall height often deterred men away from me (at least those around me made snide comments about how I am so damn tall). I'd like to be 5'6 or shorter and average or petite shoulders. 5. A figure that is remiscent of a VS model : bigger breasts (at least a B cup) and a completely flat stomach. 6. Live happily with my husband and an adorable puppy and a kitten in a two story house with a decent sized lawn (the type you'd expect in the typical US suburbs). 7. Travelling overseas - especially Europe and the islands - at least twice a year. As vain as I may sound, I am not writing this to be morally superior or politically correct. I am just sick of living without anything to keep myself stay motivated or look forward to. Being single for a long term sucks, and I hope I can just live in my dream and not wake up forever. Who cares about the red pill. I want to be happy. ​

I hate how life isn’t perfect

Idk if it’s my ocd but I wish life was perfect. Like not one bad thing happening that ruins your day perfect. Like everything goes just as planned perfect. Like people honest and trustworthy and doing things like they promise perfect. Like you don’t get into fights or problems or issues perfect. Life is the complete opposite and I hate it. It’s all an uphill struggle. I don’t want to not live anymore. HA I’m at work taking care of mental health patients when I am the most suicidal here!

Feeling really down.

I’m struggling so hard with my body image, specifically feeling ugly. I just got out of a domestic violence relationship and I’ve been trying to fill a void that I have. I have been listening to the word, praying, trying to hang out with friends but I still feel overwhelmingly horrible.. I feel very heavy and I don’t know what to do.

“You’re like a dark cloud …

… I can feel it. We all feel it. When you come home. When you get in the car. I just want to get away from you.” My wife told me this. I guess she’s was trying to get me to ‘snap out’ of the depressive state I’ve been in since December. She also told me “I don’t love you. I’m not attracted to you. I find nothing attractive about you.” And various iterations of “I’m done.” Very hurtful stuff. In the heat of arguments, etc. But it’s not really bothered me. Like even that doesn’t upset me. It’s so depressed already, Later she says she didn’t mean it but I don’t believe that. She seemed like she meant it when she’s said it (not when she apologized). This has occurred multiple times. I know I’m very hard to live with. But I like to think I’d never say that to her. And if she’s doing it to try to motivate me and that’s not working, why does she keep doing it? Because she means it?

Everywhere I look I am inferior

No matter where I look, everyone is better than me at everything. I know what you are thinking: stop comparing and focus on your own growth. I'm tired of hearing that. That just means I'm so pathetic that the only thing that can possibly be comparable to how worthless and trash I am is myself. I am so pathetic that I don't belong to exist in this world. That is all that means. And you know what, that is true. That is absolutely true. However I'm too much of a coward and stupid as well to completely embrace that. My existence is so pathetic that I can't comprehend how pathetic I am, that's how lame it has become.

I don't feel myself, I don't find myself, I just don't recognize who I am

Today was one of the most weirdests days in my life. I remember when I was never touched by guilty and depression, I do remember that That person existed, I just don't feel her. Today I felt. Today was weird because I went to a place in my city that I loved when I was that child. That was totally random because I wasn't expecting to get there. I had an job entreview and the place was two streets alway from the Mall that I loved. When I was supposed to get on the bus and go home, I stopped, went to a caffeteria and drank the BEST cappuccino that I ever had. I left and thought: "What if we go there (I by myself)?" and i did. Guys, the feeling is so crazy. I remembered A LOT of happy memories and cozy feelings that i had. I just saw myself again, I see myself again. And now the crazy part, I know God made this. I don't know if you have a religion or something, but if you Know God, if you ever talked or learned or experienced something with him, I just want to say that He sees you, He knows and He knows exactly how you feel. He is there, you are not alone. I wasn't alone, He was there, holding and protecting me from death. I was thinking about suicide again, I was starting to feel that Gos doesn't care about me, I was starting to feel that I don't want to exist, I was planning to die... And He saw. He saw. He is here, and now I am here. I feel sad because I feel I lost myself so many times that I just lost so much of life. But He is here. I feel myself now. I am scared to lose myself again. To just forget how much I deserve love and forgiveness. But if that happens, He is here and He will be looking for me, I will never get lost again. I justs wanted to say, I understand you, I do, and I know He does it too.

Seeking Advice

So recently I had a series of events in my life that re-triggered my depression and then it got to a very low point when I heard news of a friend’s suicide and it just brought me back to a prior time when I had tried. Basically I spent most of the weekend on the edge of ending it but thankfully was able to pull back. I had planned on telling a close friend I work with about my depression before the news of my other friend’s suicide, but it just so happens I got the news on the same day. So we wound up talking and I let her know about my past suicide attempt. Then after my friend’s suicide I just kind of spiraled the next few days, having panic attacks. I asked my friend if she could check in on me over the new few days that weekend. I knew she was busy preparing for a big work event on Monday and would be doing so all weekend so I made what I thought was a smaller ask to just text and see if I’m ok. I realize when I told her I never actually asked her whether she wanted to be part of my support system, which was unfair by me, and when she pulled back and never checked in this weekend, while I was standing on the edge of my apartment building, I fired off some hurtful texts that I wish I could take back immediately. When we talked about it on Monday, the conversation was unsurprisingly tough. She understood why I lashed out and that I was sorry but that she was still furious at the position I put her in and seemingly blamed her for. That was messed up on my part and I know that. She also said she doesn’t think of herself as that kind of friend while I did. For some context we’ve known each other for over 10 years, she and her husband came to my wedding, they’ve gone on vacations with us, and we hang out outside of work not too infrequently. But again I can see how we could have a disconnect and I honestly think if she wasn’t the person I saw most outside of my wife, I wouldn’t have brought this up to her (though I did think of her as one of my best friends). We’re both professionals and not going to let this get in the way of one another’s careers. With that preamble, I’ll say that what I’m struggling with is the sense of rejection from being told she didn’t want that role of checking in on me. I know our friendship isn’t going to ever be the same, but she said that maybe in time it can develop into something we both want. I just don’t know if I can be friends with someone I opened up to like that who I kind of wish I hadn’t done so with. This forced me to open up to other friends all of whom where there with open arms. I couldn’t imagine not being there for them or the friend who doesn’t feel comfortable if it was needed. I just don’t know how to be friends with someone who knows my deepest vulnerabilities but doesn’t want to help.

Looking for help

18M. Im having trouble understanding what i’m feeling so i wanted to post here and see what anyone has to say. For the past 4 years I’ve been struggling to find satisfaction in my life. It wasn’t bad at first, but after living at college for a year it got so much worse. I went through a tough breakup with an on/off partner of 6 years right before college and I never got over it. She was my closest friend and the only person I’ve ever felt I could tell anything, and she was truly my second half. When I got to college, I started drinking and smoking a lot. I feel like that’s a big reason for why I feel the way I do, but i’m really not sure. It got to a point where I was getting drunk alone in my dorm daily just to get away from how I was feeling. I felt lonely, and like a burden to everyone around me. I have social anxiety, and I will not talk to someone unless they talk to me first. As a result, all my friends I made in college were through mutual friends that came from high school. There was no one I feel like I truly connected with, and there was no good reason for me to reach out to someone. I felt like I was bothering them, and there was a million better things to do than talk to me when I offer nothing. When I got home from college, my feelings were the worst they’ve ever been. I slowed down on drinking and smoking, and it feels like there’s nothing to take me away from how I feel. I don’t think Ive ever been this alone in my life, where I don’t talk to anyone other than my job. I’ve met some nice people at this job, but it’s only convenience friends and nothing that will last when I go back to college. I’m terrified of going back to college, since i won’t be in a dorm anymore i won’t have the comfort of convenience friends. Every day is the same: wake up, work, go home, lay in bed. I dread the moment I wake up, and pray I go to sleep and don’t wake up. The one thing that gives me happiness is music. I love playing different instruments and listening to music, and I want to make music for a living. However, I know it’s such a low chance that I could l make a career out of it and my parents have expressed their disagreement many times. No other career gives me any interest, so right now I’m in college for a desk job I would despise doing. I’m in a dead end, where the one thing I want to do is just out of reach. I’m still going to try to make it with music, but no matter what, I do not see a future for myself past 40 years old. If I don’t make it in music, it’ll probably be 30. I guess I’m craving that beautiful artist’s death. I feel like a letdown to everyone around me. I can never live up to anyone’s standards, whether it’s because of my nervousness or carelessness or not performing to standards or whatever else. I don’t know if I will ever be in a romantic relationship again, since i’m still scarred from the last relationship and i can’t keep a simple conversation or even approach someone. My parents have never believed in therapy or mental treatment, so I could never tell them any of this. I have symptoms of ADD and it took 4 years of convincing my parents to take me to see a doctor, but they only agreed after my grades started falling, and I’m still waiting on results. I’m scared to see a therapist, since i don’t have the money, my parents would shame me, and i don’t think i can talk about this stuff with anyone face to face. So i’m turning here anonymously to see if anyone has advice. This might be a stupid question but do you think I have depression? I know the simplest advice is get out there and talk to people, but other than that, any advice? If you read this, thank you, it means a lot to me. Sorry if I did a bad job explaining my feelings.

Recently diagnosed with Persistent Depressive Disorder, don’t know how to feel

I recently had PDD added to my diagnoses on top of MDD, GAD, and ADHD. While I’m kind of, for lack of a better word, glad that there’s a disorder that pretty much described what I’ve been feeling for years, I feel like there’s no end to this depression. I have yet to look into more treatment options for PDD, but I’ve started a new medication that has me a bit hopeful.

I keep failing to fix myself.

Four therapists. Nothing. Years of being like this. Nothing. Countless fights and tears. Nothing. So much pain, all caused by me. Nothing. Nothing has changed. If anything, it's gotten worse. I don't know why I'm like this. I don't know why this is who I've become. I don't know if I even want to change, because if I did, it probably would have fucking happened already. I'm so stressed. I'm so tired. I'm so done.

I want to end it all but I can't

The only thing that's keeping me from ending it all is that I don't want to burden my mother with my death.

Extremely depressed and hopeless

Currently jobless after graduating college last year because it's been difficult to concentrate and be motivated because my depression and anxiety are so bad. My girlfriend of almost 3 years recently broke up with me because of these issues and that has left me devastated to the point where I don't even want to get out of bed in the morning. I just feel so lost and alone and nobody really understands. When I go to sleep, I don’t want to wake up.

my eyes are swollen from crying

i’m just fucking nothing. i don’t deserve to be here and i never have. i don’t even know why i try anymore, all i am is an inconvenience and all i do is cause problems

I'm giving up

I'm seriously considering giving up, I don't feel anything but flat or numb I am tempted to shoot someone just to feel some complex, nuanced or intense emotions again. I probably would not feel excruciating guilt like I would when I would just have to lie to someone because I had to keep a secret on someone else's behalf. I hate how Politics has gotten involved into healthcare, all I needed was a stimulant for ADHD impulse control problems and wandering mind that would think about how I was wretched for something that I did that was awful as a kid instead of staying on task so I could get something done to turn my life around...they gave me an antipsychotic instead of referring me to an emergency evaluation that would see "oh you just have ADHD as you were successfully treated all the way into adulthood" or you know someone assigned to help with dependency on the medication to focus. I still wonder if I ever really needed it or I was just too inquisitive and independent as a child, so rather than actually trying to make an appeal to me explaining why I should do the homework in kindergarten or working with me, they didn't and just wanted to make me comply. I tell you that there's no justice, it's a farce all they do is punish and isolate everything rather than attempt to piece together a full picture. I want a world where details matter to where it goes beyond just assuming fears of the worst, into actually seeing "oh this person asked multiple times, if I didn't do this would things had been different, they changed what was asked each time...they just want to know why they were rejected, they're not obsessed with this person" but that is nothing more than a pipe dream, people latch onto the worst case scenario and assume that is truth no matter how long they've known you because it's better safe than sorry, reject that the Lucifer effect is a thing and when someone finally plays along because "this must be what they want" it's suddenly "see, proof that our fears were justified! We were better safe than sorry, by assuming the worst even though they know we did and kept insinuating he was". So easily do others excuse their own actions and hold others to theirs, if you can't handle a complicated situation don't simplify it actually acknowledge "oh anxiety, depression, ADHD are acting up here maybe I shouldn't assert something that hasn't been proven yet repeatedly." When they abandon you but you can't abandon them because of the society you live in not allowing a way back through redemption you're expected to just deal with it. It's so nice that you can permanently fuck up your own life because you couldn't get help without your abusive parents finding out what you tell the psychologist designed to help you and subsequently ending up punished. Seems I've always been the one to be hit by all the little snags and flaws with the system, the exception but not given treatment that would fit with that because there is no freedom afforded for practitioners to do what they decide is best, they're bound by protocol and I should have known how the system worked beforehand. I'm just tired and ready to drive to see what I want to see, hopefully find something or just I don't know. I want to succeed but unlike before with being able to push through it and eventually break through the negativity, just plowing through what I needed to get done being excited and happy I did so before I remembered I had nobody to share the excitement of the achievement, affecting my motivation because nobody would congratulate me on finally getting somewhere towards my goals. I just want to be killed or something like that which makes amends with people who I miss in spite of everything, finally stop hating me, at this point I would even take pity motivated actions.

why does getting into something new make me so depressed?

im 20, i have been diagnosed with depression and cptsd since i was nine and in the past five or so years ive noticed a really strange phenomenon. i was a total tumblr kid in middle school and highschool so i was into lots of stuff like fandom and whatnot. i sorta fell out of that stuff around 17 and got really deep into my own stories that i would write. but in this past year ive subconsciously begun to fall back into a lot of interests i had as a 13-17 year old and the strange part of all of it is that getting into new things now- beit books, games, movies, etc. all give me this sorta burning sensation in my chest almost like im gonna cry? and then every time i think about that piece of media again after that i just get this weird desire to not interact with it again and thinking about it makes me all gloomy, especially if i really liked it while i was getting into it. it doesnt even have to be something i liked as a teenager. any new media does it to me as well. i know all of that probably sounds so insane but ive tried looking it up and shockingly, 'why do videogames and movies that i really like make me so melancholy?' doesnt yield many results so i just wanted to maybe ask here and see if anyone else has felt the same. thank you for reading :)

I think I’m a bad person

I don’t think I’m a good person. I don’t think I’m good for people, on the surface people mostly see a helper, a people pleaser, a set of ears that always listen and a heart that always understands, they all just see the robot that will just sit there and listen to their woes, and will do whatever they ask.. Under the surface I am tired, exhausted to the rotten bitter core, I’m always in pain, always overwhelmed, and so numb at the same time, I’m always ays suffocating in my house, and stretched thinner by the day, things just keep happening and to my bitter rotten aching core I am tired.. and sometimes it’s hard not to let that creep up to the surface People are always venting to me, crying to me just complains about everything that goes on , weather I ask or not, they just do , even about things that trigger or upset me.. they never even ask if I can handle being vented to.. they just drop it whenever they want. And it’s hard not to get irritated or annoyed at it , I know that sounds bad, it’s just when they just keep complaining and venting all the time, three texts turn to ten then fifteen, all problems that I can’t fix and all things that are exhausting to read.. I’m not kidding when I say the people around me deserve better they deserve a friend who responds better.. who cares and shows it instead of just being a trash can to vent to.. and I wish I could set a boundaries or two when it comes to these things but my whole life has made that hard.. and I’m always terrified what would happen to them if I can’t listen one night.. I care I swear I do. It’s just I carry the weight of the world I stand on and I can barley handle my own problems.. and I feel like a bad person for not being able to hear about theirs too..

Feeling depressed.

I feel depressed and I am pressuring me to do something to not be so lazy/depressed. It's not working and it's not helping. I feel frustrated. Maybe it's the climate.

This is wrather soft

my depression is like a warm blanket. it keeps me cozy, it keeps me protected. as i sit, hair tangled, teeth un brushed, i wonder why my depression is such a comfort. i stay stuck between my bedsheets, laying in my 3 days worn clothes, yearning for something more. as much as i want to heal, i love staying wrapped up, in my own sadness. when you are depressed there are no expectations. after all, it's much harder to heal, than to stay in bed and wallow.

Sunday was the worst. I spiraled down to the place I picked myself from on day 1, two years ago when my brain completely shut down and I was bed ridden for a month.

The time when sleep was equally as bad if not worse than being awake. I took sleeping meds but they didn't work. Had the worst possible dreams and 1 episode of hallucination. I have not had hallucinated in a couple years now. I feel so dejected. I feel like I've lost all my progress. My meds stopped working a year ago. Now I'm barely functional once more. I'm so scared of my sleep. I took my sleeping med and it didn't work and I basically had the worst night ever. And now everyday I wake up, I wake up crying. Life sucks. It's like I got someone holding my head underwater and I'm trying to fight it. And I'm afraid it's gonna paralyze me again.

Fantastic

Im at the point again where i feel like i dont deserve to eat, and when i think about doing so i immediately get nauseous and start puking, last time i was like this i went from 190 lbs to 112 in like 2 months and ended up hospitalized. Im 220 rn so i could do with losing a little weight and everything but this is always the worst, i dont see myself getting out of bed for the next few weeks.

How looking for happiness failed again. Turned into a death wish

How looking for happiness turned in wanting to die. My life is unfortunate from the beginning. I will share a recent situation that proved to me that nothing will ever work for me. I am living in an isolated place. Soon to be 24 with no work experience and no money. My parents did everything possible to prevent me from growing as a person and then blamed me about it. No people around here to socialize so my only way is the Internet. Few years ago i found a "friend" online that i really thought its a friend that i could trust. Last year i met someone who i thought would be a good partner for me. Few months ago i decided to go and meet this person. I went and he treated me horrible. I felt how my life force is leaving me while staying with him. He was hiding me from his family, not allowing me to shower. Then wanted to get rid of me so i went to stay with that friend. That friend was acting absolutely different than how i knew him. Day 1. He accused me of being "negative" Day 2. I feel sick. I look sick. I notice weird stuff around the place. In the room i was in, there was a smoke detector. Every smoke detector ive seen had a red light but this one had faint blue light. There was an alexa in the room as well. The supposed boyfriend was calling me and saying how i should stay with that friend and live there. I truly didnt want to stay there for a long time. I been talking with people on the Phone discussing different ways of what should i do. Later I was in the kitchen with that friend and i was staring at the smoke detector there. He said "do you think its a camera". The friend asked me "who did you talk on the Phone with?" it immediately stroke me as strange. Because when i did that, he wasnt at the apartament. So he was using a listening device to spy on me. I tested the smoke detector. I got on a chair and smoked right directly in it. Nothing. No sound. Usually smoke detectors are extremely loud. This one did nothing. Day3. The friend talked to me how i should leave. He wasnt feeling safe while i was there because someone told him that the poeple from the country where i am from are dangerous. That really hurt me. Talking with this person for such a long time and then he says that. Said how i have negative energy that he couldnt sleep because of it. How he cant stand that i dont cover the TV with a blanket while its turned off. It started getting stranger and stranger. "no one is dead yet right?" that absolutely made me freak out inside. Ive been noticing every morning when i wake up that the door is slightly open. That night i moved a table so if the door gets pushed i willhear it. Day 4. Next morning he says to me to never put this table next to the door again. Kept asking me about conversations i had on the Phone. Now i was sure he was spying on me. I cannot freak out. I cannot lose control. If i freak out and attack him, bad for me. If i freak out and he attacked me, bad for me again. In my internal panic i somehow kept calm to think of a way to get out of this dangerous situation. There are definitely stuff that i dont even remember now. I left. I threw away most of my stuff so my bag wouldnt be heavy. So i can run faster if i get attacked on the streets. I spend a long time in an airport. At least there were bathrooms and charging spot. The boyfriend tortured and blamed me for not staying with this friend. I was literally escaping a possibility to be murdered. I am scattered mentally. I cant even describe fully. Thats all i can pour now. Maybe i should have let be killed.

Sleep and Never Wake Up

It never gets better, it only gets worse as the years go by. Nothing you do will matter, nor will it be good enough. My best days are behind me, the only days left going forward are getting progressively worse. exit bag sounds like a good night

I don’t have a life

I can’t believe it took me this long to figure this out all I do is read sometimes play on my computer and go to the gym I don’t have a life the only thing I look forward to is my books one chapter comes out each week I have a chapter of books come out everyday but on Wednesday I don’t so that means I have nothing to look forward to nothing to do at 8:03 pm nothing at all my life is nothing all I have is one chapter of a few books that come out I don’t have a life

What am I doing?

Im constantly seeking validation from social media. Posting selfies, getting a dopamine rush, feeling less lonely just for a little while. And then the depression hits hard again. I want to stop but it’s like another addiction of me. Benzos and social media.. I don’t feel good when online people compliment me. I don’t even feel good when that happens irl. I hate myself, for who i am. I act two faced. I feel so confused. I act like someone I’m not. My Xanax use is getting worse, 10-12 mg a day. Waiting lists for help are long. I should be grateful for even being able to receive help but damn it’s hard.. I pushed my only friend away (she distance herself from me because I was hurting her by avoiding her) and only have contact with 2 exes of mine. One who is my dealer and has some sort of control over me for that reason. The other one actually is there for me a lot but there are still feelings involved en because of my depression I feel confused. I don’t know what I want, feel. I don’t want to lose him. My only best friend and the person trust. I’m not in contact with family besides my sister. They’re addicts. I know it’s best to let my ex go

How can I break out of this thought cycle and move forward?

I've been in a rut for a good while now where any thought towards my future and taking the next steps in life milestones makes me feel heavy dread. To be honest I'm not exactly sure whether this is more of a depression or anxiety problem, but if anyone asks me about my plans or where i see myself in a year or whatever I immediately feel heavy suicidal ideation and panic. I just feel like...I don't know, there's no point in my future? Or that I've already failed? It just makes me so afraid. It's a self fulfilling prophecy though because by not taking steps to become a better member of society I am failing, but I'm so afraid of trying and failing anyway. Any advice or motivation would be greatly appreciated!

How Can I Help My GF?

My GF got out of an abusive relationship about a year ago. She has depression and anxiety. She has tried speaking to therapists and taking medication but it doesn't seem to help. She is never happy and just wants to be alone. She can't feel love or any emotion other than sadness. Can anyone share their story and how they recovered? I want what is best for her and I just want to see her smile again!

I’m happy when I’m away

I am not functioning properly. I can’t focus on anything. I can’t keep up with the conversations. I’m making mistakes at work. I’m feeling miserable and I don’t know why. I care about things and don’t give a fuck about them the next moment.I try to journal, I write about my feeling and reach to some logical conclusion about my thoughts and feelings, I plan to be better the next day. But, come next morning, I’m low when it comes to getting out of the bed. I have to fight myself for about an hour to convince myself to get up and go about my day. I fear a day will come when I start failing at that as well. I don’t feel this on weekends. I wake up early to go out for a hard hike or something, i don’t feel burdened anymore, I feel positive, I become optimistic enough to think I can deal with my daily life. But, it doesn’t last. It feels like the only way I can be happy with my life when I’m away from it. I can’t keep this up.

Permanently tired.

Is anyone just perpetually tired all the fucking time? I work 12hr night shifts and stay on night schedule on my days off too because constantly switching kills my sleep. I completely cut out caffeine a couple weeks ago to hopefully regulate my system back to normal and consume less sugar. But I can sleep 12hrs on my day off, wake up just to sit on the couch and get so tired a couple hours later that I "have" to take a nap. I don't ever feel like doing anything. I literally just work and sleep. I'm wasting my life, but I'm fully aware of how pointless existence is, so there's no amount of distraction that will keep me from thinking about the bleak reality of it all. I just want to stop existing. I want to fall asleep and never wake up.

I don’t know what’s wrong with me anymore

I’m so alone even though I have everyone around me. I’m better than what I was. I’m safer. But I can’t really make sense in my head why’s wrong with me anymore. But I’m not okay. I’m so low and unhappy even though I’m so lucky with everyone and every opportunity I have around me. I feel like my body is participating in everything but I’m not. Like I’m just watching myself so everything but I’m not doing it. I don’t know if I want to die anymore or live

I am happy when I'm listening to Rammstein

It makes me not want to die. I now live for rammstein. I'm extremely serious.

Can't ever be 'me'.

Rant: I'll try and be quick. Had a tough childhood (haven't we all) and struggle with MDD, PTSD, and anxiety issues. As an adult, I feel compelled to constantly keep my facade in place around people because once I let it slip, my negativity seeps out and it pushes people away. I literally have zero friends (outside of my wife), and never go out with others, not get asked. Both my personality and sense of humor are dark, and have trouble connecting with others. When I hide my darkness, I'm a crowd favorite and the life of the party... But I'm too old and lack the energy to keep up the charade, then the cycle continues. Thanks for reading.

I fit into many of the top demographics most likely to commit suicide.

Yup. It's a pretty terrible realization really. I'm gay, white, entering my 30's and have multiple mental health problems. Sooooo that pretty much fuckin sucks.

I hate myself and my life

I hate living this life. I hate everything about myself and my life. I curse my parents for giving birth to me. I wish I could magically live the life I want and forget this current one or just die in my sleep. I'm sick of this life. Call me crazy or stupid or whatever, but it's true. These 18 years and 8 months have been nothing but hell.

years of isolation have turned my autistic and jaded

i now hate people and cant socialise

Had 2 seconds of a very strange, fleeting sense of euphoria....2 whole damn second.

I swear the breath I took in that moment was so much more lighter, the air felt like a breeze, and I just....smiled like a goof. I didn't feel any resentment, any regrets, it felt like I had put my baggage down and moved on. Life felt perfect. And that was it. It was gone. 2 seconds. Is it what it's like to be normal? It's been around an hour now, and I really miss that feeling. I don't remember feeling like this for a very, very long time now. How do I bring it back? I feel like breaking down and slashing my throat for once and for all.

I am engaged, have a decent job, and have plenty of friends. I still wish I was dead.

I (32F) have what appears to be a "perfect" life from the outside. I am engaged to a wonderful man whom I love dearly and want to spend the rest of my life with. I am jovial and extroverted at work, and don't have any problems making friends. I am well educated, with a master's degree, and I have a decent job that pays enough for me to save some money. The problem lies in me still wanting to be dead. For a wide range of reasons that I cannot overcome. My depression, my enemy, is like a fucking mountain that I cannot reach the top of. When I feel like I have finally gotten over my childhood abuse, the humiliation of my youth, my confusion... it just comes back. Every time. My mother is a basket case on wheels. She has type I bipolar and is off the fucking rails. She gets worse with time, and is now ultra-religious. She would abuse my siblings and I with constant emotional manipulation and teaching truly awful things. Like making us watch porn to try to "make sure we were all straight." Or awful decisions like convincing me to drop out of high school. She would fly into intense blackout rages and put her fist through the fucking wall or beat us with a belt and then claim that it never happened. She slut-shames other women, is racist against black people, and is homophobic. She is obsessed with trying to get my nephew circumcised and teaches my nieces to be emotionally manipulative to get what they want out of boys and men, the same thing she taught my sister and I. And she repeatedly hides behind religion. Just being around her fills me with anger. My sister is just as bad as she is now, and abuses her kids and my mom while my mom continues to abuse her and her kids. It's a toxic, dysfunctional wreck. Throughout my late teens and early 20s, I was relentlessly bullied and sexually harassed constantly. It was fucking miserable, and almost every fucking night I remember some insult from another girl or a guy trying to stick his hand in my pants. Guys pretending to fall behind me and "catching" themselves by grabbing my ass. Constant "accidental" bumping into my breasts. Constant leering. Constant manipulation to try to sleep with me, constant misogynistic jokes. Girls saying I smelled like fish or looked ugly when I cried. At age 32, the harassment I go through now is just some libertarian jackass at work who likes to "WELL ACTUALLY" himself into every conversation that I have, with his "objective" opinions. I am a lot more self-assured and confident. I'm not that shy bullied girl I used to be, but part of her is still inside of me, sobbing. And then there's the fucking issue of me desperately wishing I was born a boy, a feeling I have had since I was 4 years old that has gotten worse with every passing year. I fantasize about making a time machine or finding a genie to let me restart my life as a boy. Or hoping if I die that I can start back as a boy, or be reincarnated in the next life as a boy. The problem is that I don't like boys and men, and I have a fair amount of animosity toward other women because of my mom and sister. And that dislike of men and dislike of other women are both aimed inward at myself. I wish I was born a boy so much that I constantly flip female characters to male characters and vise versa. When I dream, I am a man. I am a confused person. I have so much anger, confusion, depression, self-loathing, fear of abandonment, and despair that I wish I could die already. I have felt suicidal since I was 12 years old. The chaos of my late childhood and teen years, the awful family dynamics and abuse, the years of bullying, the inward disgust of not being born a boy, and overall soul-crushing depression just makes me wish I could get hit by a bus. I guess I'm... passively suicidal? There's always some level of suicidal wish present. At the very least, if I was in a dangerous situation, I would make no effort to preserve myself. I have fantasized about drowning in a pool or the ocean and make it look like an accident, or make no attempt to swim back if I get too tired. I have fantasized about not moving out of the way if a car careens out of control when I walk around downtown, and just let it hit me. Or let a mugger just kill me after he takes my purse. Maybe the elevator at work will finally plummet to the bottom with me in it. It seems to break a few times a year. I don't know if lack of self-preservation and letting yourself die counts as suicide, but I feel like that all of the time. So I play it off as the happy jokester. The jovial girl who is always smiling and getting people to laugh. The outgoing girl at work who is at the center of attention, making everyone feel good. My feelings of happiness in those moments is genuine... but I also want to die. Thanks for reading. Just keep in mind that if you see a woman at work who is seemingly happy and "has it together," that the reality may be quite different.

Just don’t know anymore.

I've been going in and out of phases of feeling really shitty, even though things have been going well. It always keeps coming back, and it's getting more frequent. I just don't know what I can do anymore. It's just getting bad, and it's not going away. It's been going on for a couple of years now, and I just can't take it. It's not like I have a bad life; I have a rather fortunate one. But I just can't get the happiness to stay. At the end of the day, I just don't see myself having a long life or that I even want one. I can't do that to my girlfriend, family, and friends. If I do end my life, I've seen the pain it can cause. But I also can't keep going. I just don't know what I can do.

i am alive out of obligation

take 40 mg of fluoxetine a day. wake up at 4:00 in the morning for your part time job. go to college for a post graduate certificate, prepare to apply for a masters. eat under 2000 calories a day to get to a healthy body mass index. go to the gym three times a week, get 10000 steps in. write a book. draw some pictures. make music. place your time in productive hobbies. go to a bar with a friend and socialize. i don't really enjoy living, it's just something i'm supposed to do. every day is a series of miscellaneous tasks that i pass or fail, and all i feel whether i succeed or not is a sense of digust and contempt towards myself and others. living is a series of chores other people tell me to do. living is something i have to do just because i have to. every day is a little apocalypse, a train crash happening so slowly it almost looks like it isn't moving at all. the paradox of life moving too fast yet feeling like it's going nowhere. regardless the train moves forward on the tracks, to preemptively blow it up with dynamite is illogical. i am a choo choo train. choo choo this analogy is stupid. it's all stupid. for all intents and purposes my life is going well based off of other people's parameters yet i am still listless and bored with myself. i can't even feel properly sad anymore, i just feel resigned to living. all of my actions and words are just a series of performative sideshows that lead to nowhere. im honestly just really sick of my brain and im sick of everything. i think im just tired

I’ve become what I never wanted to be.

I understand that when reality kicks you in the ass and you come to realize that it won’t be how you envisioned it as a kid/teen, people’s perceptions will change. Life will happen and things will go out of your control while you ride the waves and just try to hold on to your life preserver. I was happy once. I was hopeful for my adulthood and passionate about things in life. If I saw what I’d be as a kid or a teen I feel like it would have broken my heart. I work 12 hour night shifts at a job I hate that’s breaking me down physically and destroying me mentally. I never sleep well, my diet has been pretty bad and I’m always exhausted. I’ve become angry as well. Angry at work, when I’m alone, any time. I’m trying really hard to not let it overwhelm me but I’ve become an angry person. I was pushed into a life I didn’t want and knew I didn’t want because it was what I was “supposed” to do. I took a job I knew would be bad for me because at the end of 2020 I found myself needing a home and had people relying on me. I’ll sit and think alone in the dark at 3 am about why I made the decisions I did to get me where I am now and it makes me feel awful. I just want to numb the pain and anxiety through escapism, getting drunk or smoking or something. I don’t want to live my life because it doesn’t feel like a life worth living. I’ve heard the “just stop smoking or drinking and hit the gym” and all that other bullshit before but it doesn’t help. I’ve done all that and more and I always feel the same pain over and over again. I never wanted to be on the path I’m on but I have too many obligations to stay on it. I’m just tired of being angry and tired of feeling like my life is passing me by and I’m too busy to even notice it.

My Depression is Becoming Bad and my Agoraphobia Getting Worse

I just finished my master's program and now i dont know what to do in life. My agoraphobia is becoming advanced, i cannot leave the house without bad anxiety, and IDK what to do with my life anymore. I just am lost and scared and anxious. I need help but i cant get therapy anymore.

lost connection

i should be doing something, right? i'm on a new medication. everything is going to be okay, right? no and no. depression/anxiety has led me to parts of being human that are hell: loneliness, isolation, anhedonia, hopelessness, anxiety, apathy, emptiness, etc. i shaved and showered a couple of days ago. i went for a walk. i've been trying to go for walks. it's sunny outside and i should be doing something, anything. i should be looking for a job, cleaning/fixing this house, following up with friends, studying, SOMETHING. instead i wallow in the sea of darkness. i've done this too many times. it takes monumental effort to do, well, anything. and when i do something, i'm left with feeling like nothing was done. i'm lost. nothing on this planet is enjoyable at the moment. but my moments last a lifetime. i'm stuck. ​

Too many college classes...

I don't know if this post belongs here or not, but I've been depressed for about 6 or 7 years, don't think have been exactly happy since a long time, I just need to go to college now, can only takwn12 leaves, already took 3, someone just help me

All I want to do is sleep, I want to fix my life

I'm 21 years old. Ever since I graduated high school in 2020, i've been the laziest i've ever been. I exercise and enter a calorie surplus and then I get lazy and start under eating & stop lifting which leads to me not gaining muscle mass. Career wise i've been also lacking. I went to college from 2020-2021 and dropped out to take a course on UX design and wasnt able to land a job. Then i did insurance sales and lost money on leads. I have plans to return to college in the fall, but i have this indescribable feeling im not sure if its depression but i just have moments where i want to sleep all day. This happens alot because i mess up my sleep schedule alot so my quality of sleep gets ruined but here's the weird part.. back in high school i would only sleep for 5 hours on a school night and i was able to function and be an amazing student,i was barely absent.. the future looked bright but now im just a lazy blob. When i apply for college financial aid, i am getting a fat refund check from pell grants and that makes me say.. "what is the point of working?" I want to sleep all day because i feel like i have no purpose.

Over thinking nonstop

I really hate myself anymore. I can’t sleep, my brain won’t shut off. I’m in such a dark place anymore. I’m struggling so bad to be happy. There is no reason for me to not be happy. I cry, I get mad, I have a bad attitude towards people for no good reason. I’m so sick of myself. I try to be positive but then I hear something negative and there I go again right back to negative. 🤦🏼‍♀️ it’s starting to affect people I live with. How can I be happy??

i’m very ashamed of myself

idk if i’m depressed or not but i’m so close to committing suicide because my brain keeps telling me that i’m not good enough, that everyone secretly hates me and that i don’t fit in. it makes me mentally and physically exhausted. i’m not looking for anything on here, i just want to get this off my chest. i feel very ashamed to talk about this because suicide is such a “taboo” for my family and friends, they say that ppl who feel that way are sick and selfish. so i kept this to myself. idk what else to do. i hate my life. i’m very unmotivated. even if i die my family couldn’t care less. i’m scared to go outside bc everyone around me judges me all the time and it gets worse every damn time. i hate it and i want it to stop. i tried to ignore it but it never goes away. i never felt happiness and i want to feel that again but i can’t. i had professional help when i was 14 but i always used an excuse to avoid what i really felt. i’m just really scared. i’m 20 now btw i hate that i want to die but if i don’t kill myself then i have to live like this forever. i want my mind to rest or else i’ll go insane. i don’t know what i feel, what i do know is that i will commit suicide eventually no matter what other ppl think. pls don’t pm me cause idk how to react, i get so much anxiety and nobody will understand.

Lost in nowhere

Your words could be mine….every time I read a post on here. It’s so hard, I’m trying to reach out and make some sense of it. I recently cried so much I hyperventilated and nearly passed out. I’ve never experienced that before. Depression in my household was never talked about—just pull up your big girl britches and get on with it. I need to find something to do for me not anyone else and I have no idea how to do that. I’m 39 in 4 days and all I’ve ever done is live and breathe for my family with very little acknowledgment and as the kids get older my loneliness is getting worse. I’m way to good at putting on a mask (I also have a chronic pain condition so deal with intense pain 24/7 no cure) My family knows and sees my pain but doesn’t really acknowledge it or even research it to find was to be more supportive. I’m loosing myself to this feeling of despair. Thanks for reading I need to vent

Help Me Please. I think I’m probably crazy.

I find myself sometimes having anxious thoughts about the possibility of having a suicidal thought. I don't want to die or kill myself, nor have I ever, but I find myself sometimes worrying that I may have a suicidal thought. I even sometimes find myself wondering how everyone would react if I was ever not around, but I don't ever want to not be around. I repeat, I do not want to kill myself or die in any way or fashion. Has anyone else had this sensation and feeling? #ImProbablyCrazy

I’m drowning

My spouse came out as trans a day before I found out I was finally pregnant with an unviable pregnancy. I took out a $5000 to pay off our credit debt and because of inflation, bad habits, and all 3 of my jobs cutting my hours we immediately maxed out the cards again and now we have double the debt. I’m suppose to be getting a promotion within the next couple months which would come with a $3-$5 pay increase. And I’m debating taking out another loan to pay for the first loan and the current credit debt I’m in ($11,000) I looked into it and I can get approved for the loan $326/month for 5 years with my car as collateral. But I’m terrified I’m just gonna be in the same boat as last time. But I don’t know what else to do. I now have 2 jobs my spouse has one. We make about $3000/month with $2700 in bills not including food and gas. We are paying the absolute bare minimum on our credit cards because we don’t have a choice. I work 6-7 days a week 42-52 hours a week. I’m exhausted I can’t sleep I wake up EVERY morning throwing up from anxiety. I don’t know what else to do. And my partner is now miserable because we can’t buy anything Joyful, we’ve been together 5 years and have never been on a vacation, I’m never home, we still wanna have a baby and we are running out of time to have one. My dog has a huge lump next to his heart and I can’t take him to the vet. We don’t have a savings account because how am I gonna save when I don’t make enough to pay my bills already. There is quite literally no way out. I’ve ruined both of our lives and I don’t know what to do. There’s no fixing this. I’ve ruined everything

I don’t want to not care anymore

I don’t know what I’m looking for, either a reason to give up or keep going I don’t know and quite frankly I don’t think I care. My last friend left and it’s been 4 years since the last time I’ve felt loved or even appreciated. Therapy is too expensive to bother and just making friends is as possible as just simply not being depressed. I feel like if I keep my thoughts all to myself for so long I’ll only regret losing the years. I keep being told im selfish for wanting to be appreciated and that “You caring for yourself should be enough” but it doesn’t because I don’t care. I’ve tried it and it only feels like a facade to please others. I don’t understand my feelings especially when I feel nothing

I'm lost and confused

So a bit ago I made a new friend and things where going good. They had a flirty personality so tho I wasn't used to getting compliments about my body I tried to get used to it. They ended up asking me out and I said I wasn't ready and asked if we could do a trial run first so I knew what I was getting into.( this would have been my first relationship) we ended up kissing and then they told me that they also liked someone else... they wanted a Polyamorous relationship. Personally that's not my thing so I turned it down and we decided to not be in a relationship. We stayed friends and they had told me that they still liked me but that they were fine with being friends. I think this is where I went wrong I probably should have just dropped them so I wouldn't put myself Or them in a worse situation. But we kept hanging out and they were still really touchy even when I asked them not to be. They said that this was normal and there wasn't really anything I could do to stop it. So it went on like this for a while we'd talk about our emotions and when we were struggling and we'd hang out almost every day. Fast forward to last night when they were talking about harming themselves and I was really worried. They lived pretty far away but I was going to try and drive over to them and check on them. They just kept getting really upset saying that if my parents find out I was trying to Help one of my friends they can NEVER Find out who it was. I ended up getting caught and I never told my parents who the friend was that was struggling but now my friend doesn't want to talk to me and I'm really upset and don't know what to do.

Bad days

My bad days are becoming closer.... do you ever feel like you could just lay in a field alone, just you can your thoughts..then feel like you couldn't get back up. Like just get consumed with over thinking, doubt and fear. I don't think I could just be alone without feeling like I'm in the field.... .....If I didn't have anything to distract my mind I don't think I could.

I'm sorry I have been drinking

I'm sorry if this is out of line or against standards but I feel so alone and like everything I've ever done in my entire life has been a complete and udder mistake and that no matter how hard I try I fail not just myself but everyone arounds me and I can't see for the life of me why people would want to talk to talk to me let alone be in my presence, I have done so much wrong in the name of self-preservation but I want to be good and I'm not sure I can live up to my own ideals

Why is trying not enough?

I’m trying to get better to not hurt those around me, but people say you shouldn’t try to get better for somebody because people can just leave. My heart is shattered because no matter how hard I try, my depression is debilitating me. I’m staying alive for others, but those others have lives and my negativity has been pushing them away. I truly find no joy in absolutely anything. My heart is aching because everything I’m trying is not enough, been to therapy, tried two different meds that only worsened my life. I feel like I am starting to have nobody due to this illness. How do you cope with this? If you have nothing to look forward to, or people to hang out with?

I have energy but don’t want to do anything

Everything seems boring so I just sit here

Fit of laughter out of nowhere

These last couple days have been really rough for me, and for some reason, at midnight, I started laughing my ass off for like 15-20 minutes. I just had this funny thought in my head and it made me laugh way harder than it should have. Has anybody else experienced a huge fit of laughter after a tough time? Do you think it helped at all?

I just...wanna die

I haven't felt like this in a while, and I don't know why I feel like this right now, it just happened...this feeling just happened..even while writing this I'm wondering "wtf am I doing?"... What's wrong with me?

Goodbye

I'm not really sure what to put here, but I know I've become a bit delusional. I have sevre hurt ocd and I've quite literally been waiting for a moment I can end it all. Now I have my chance, my roommates are asleep. They hid my meds but I saved a bottle from them. I'm getting nervous how my body will react, and I don't want to traumatize my roommates when I die, but I'm ready. It's been a good run, I will miss everyone, but I won't miss this life of suffering with mental illness. It's funny, all my illnesses except bpd were genetic. So I honestly do think I was meant to die from the start. Bye everyone :)

Hmm

Anyone ever feel like just leaving the country, not telling anyone and starting fresh, or is it just me, can’t stop thinking like that. Have no idea why as I have family here that I care about

Finding comfort in my solitude.

Anyone else feel like this ? Been having depressing feelings on and off for about 10 years now. I was always pretty social and still am when I am in the situation but the past year or two I have been just staying in more by myself and doing things alone. This may seem like it would make depression worse but there is something comforting about being alone. I almost feel less lonely when I am completely alone then when I am with people who I can’t truly express myself with (which is basically everyone). I do have some good friends who I think care about me but don’t want to unload my problems on anyone. I went to therapy for 1 session and never went back

I think about killing myself every day and I have no friends I can talk to about it

I really don’t know where to go or what to do when I feel like this. I have no friends and no girlfriend, so no matter how bad it gets, I have nothing to distract me and no one to talk to. I have nothing in my life. I don’t know what to do other than kill myself

Doctor: "Has Your Depression Lasted 2 Weeks?" Me: "14 years, so yes."

The medical system is so broken. My brain is broken. Everything is broken and I'm dead inside and out. Just waiting for cancer to get me. Failed treatments, 3 years of therapy, watching everyone around me grow and change meanwhile I'm stuck as this lonely 32 year old with no prospects of a life outside a job I hate and life I want to end. Kill me, please.

Am i the wrong one here?

I don't really know what's happening to me but I'm starting to question my own thoughts slightly...why do I feel like everybody is against me meaning they don't care about how I am and what I do and the condition I'm in...all i have is me ...I have to help myself even though I feel like dying.... When I was 18 I went to a couple of psychiatrists and one prescribed me with vortidif 10 mg and the other gave sertaline and said this is just like paracetamol for depression and anxiety...I knew what I had to do but i didn't have any energy to do them...so these pills would give me the motivation positivity and energy ...but the side effects were too much...they made me nauseous all the time...and after a while ever though I was taking the pills they didn't help me ...I still felt like shit...so I stopped.... And all this started during COVID ...as i was alone in my room all the times...I started to think how i was ill treated when I was young..my relatives would say bad about my mom I was around 8-11 yrs old when this all happened...so innately as a kid I would go n say to my mom and these people started calling me as gossip girl and they kind of kept me away when they were talking...they used to make fun of my nose they say it's big like a box etc...my childhood was shitty...when I say to my dad he wouldn't take all this seriously he would just ask me to brush it off...but I was a kid who didn't know how to do all this...i became so quite...i didn't trust anyone, i spoke so little...I didn't know how to stand up for myself at that time noone else did for me too I'm 19 yrs old now...but when I think about my childhood and how they treated me n everything...I don't feel like going to get together with my relatives...what should I do... Am I being wrong here ...pls share your opinions I'm struggling a lot🥺

How do I get better

For years now I feel like I’m stuck in a constant loop off unhappiness and depression, I give in to substances like it’s nothing and they helped mask how I felt for a while but now I’m sober and I can’t get over how shit I feel and how I see myself everyday and the thought off even living another 20-30 years sounds unbearable, I’ve not even made 20 years on this planet and I’ve wanted to leave for several years now I don’t really have a reason to be depressed I just can’t seem to get over whatever is wrong with my brain and have never seen my problem as something that would warrant a therapist or something like that but it’s eating me alive day by day and making me meaner and less fun to be around and because of that it leaves me with less and less people to talk to so I just bottle it up to keep what I have. How can I overcome this?

I tried to kill myself a few months ago

So like the title says I tried to kill myself, I regretted it when it all went down but now I'm starting to feel like I regret it didn't work.all I've got left to live for is my 1 y/o but Ive felt for a while maybe I should do it before she remembers me. Idk I've had depression since I was a kid and I've hurt myself before but never like this and never actually tried and idk what to do anymore, I've asked for help from doctors and it's feels like I'm hitting my head against a brick wall, I feel stupid for even writing this because I know people have worse lives than me but I still can't help but want it all to end. Thanks for letting reading my rant anyway.

The anger

I really hate being crippled and have to watch my body broke down and lose all my strength trying to stay positive putting up a face saying I'm ok when I'm not and lie about it all the things I ever want to do I can't I feel so useless I can't sleep anymore I can't sleep at all I don't know what I am doing anymore I think about killing my self from time to time but deep down I will never do it I'm honestly losing mental I don't know how to fix it anymore I can't lie I don't think I can knowing what going to happen to me in the end I'm just silently screaming and losing my mind

Don’t have any reason to live

I guess the only reason for me right now is my cat he’s awesome. I love my family but I still want to die and I don’t think that will ever change. I just want to stop feeling like shit everyday I’ve made so many mistakes I feel useless worthless even. It wouldn’t matter if someone like me died.

Coming to terms with being depressed

I think I’ve been depressed since about 13 years old but its always been hard to accept that this is a problem. It gets in the way of my everyday life but I dont treat it like something that needs to be fixed, I just hope the feeling goes away. I’m realizing now more than ever that I need support but I’m completely lost on how to get it. I’m 17, I sleep quite literally all day, my family doesn’t see an issue with this, I have started to hurt myself. What’s more disappointing is all the good plans I had for myself this summer that just disappeared because of the way I am. I’ve talked to my mom about the way I feel a couple years ago just to be completely rejected and told “Maybe if you were more religious…” Before the school year ended, I’d talked to my school psychologist. She’s a busy lady so it was hard to meet with her, but I would say I didn’t gain a lot from our talk. All she did was tell me to talk to my parents and ask for a depression screening, otherwise I can ask for my own at 18. I told her I would do it but that is seriously out of the equation. I could wait until I’m 18 but I’m afraid I will do really badly during my senior year and I just can’t risk that. I really don’t know what to do. For years, I could just ignore this problem and chalk it up to teen angst knowing deep down it was more than that. But now, it’s so real in my head and I can’t possibly ignore it. I wanted to workout this summer, have fun with my friends, and so far I really just want to kill myself. Sorry, I just don’t know what to do. I’m not the person I wanted to be and it’s so disappointing. Some advice would be wonderful 🙏

I (27f) have been hitting my head whenever I get extremely overwhelmed. Do you have tips to help me refrain from doing this?

Over the past two years my anxiety and depression has worsened. When I’m extremely overwhelmed or triggered (either by arguments with my mom or significant other usually) I start hitting my head till it hurts. I haven’t hit myself to a point where the pain doesn’t subside within the next hour. Thankfully. But I want to make sure I don’t get worse. I started going to therapy to work on this, and this doesn’t happen often but when I get extremely overwhelmed, anxious, and feel triggered. Any advice would help, thank you.

lost

i don't wanna live anymore, i'm a stupid idiot who can't do anything right in life (hell , i can't even express myself correctly) and can't feel a spark of happiness since years. i feel like my life was never worth living, the few traces of my previous years are idiotic or childish, i've tried seeking professional help, in vain. all i have to do is wait till the end of life since i'm too much of a coward to even kms. what could i possibly do? im lost

I think my depression has actually made my life better.

Sure, I may not feel happy, but lately I've just been feeling more powerful. I can't describe it. I just feel really damn good. There isn't a single ounce of dopamine in my brain right now. Im so sad I almost feel physically sick. But I think in my loss of happiness, I've gained something far greater. I think I finally know the truth about this universe. I've pushed my family away, my friends away, even my girlfriend finally left me. And you know what? FUCK THEM. I don't need anyone else. Nowadays I avoid people just to spite them. They think I'm stupid. They think I don't know what they're doing. When people invite me to an event or ask me out, I always say no because I finally understand that they are just making fun of me anyway. I feel powerful in that I'm not being controlled by these assholes anymore. No one else will ever give a shit about me, so I may as well get comfortable with myself. And I have. And I feel great. So powerful. So refreshed. Being a normal person was never an option for me. I will now rise above the societal expectations, spiting everyone in my path. And if people don't like it, then FUCK THEM. They are all just a bunch of judgemental pricks. People who say they just are trying to help me are actually trying to take away my power. All these psychologists have realized that now I know the truth, and they're scared of me. At this point, accepting help and accepting defeat is the same thing. I will live my whole life now being a miserable martyr, because there's simply no other way for me.

My very first appointment with a therapist is tomorrow. How can I approach it ?

Hi, and thank you to those who will take the time to share their advice. I’ve (23F) been through a rough experience very recently, which has led me to take an appointment with a therapist for tomorrow, which will exceptionally happen online. In reality, I’m going in order to deal with many issues I’ve been dealing with for the past ten years. I think I have depression, an eating disorder, and probably a strong difficulty dealing with my emotions, my mistakes, and general negative or overwhelming events in life. And my biggest problem in life is that I’m extremely shy (less so now), and therefore have no friends. I don’t know if I should expose things like this directly, and if I should also talk about the very specific event I’ve went through recently. I know my therapist will be there to guide me, maybe do some sort of quiz, but I don’t actually know what to expect and feel a bit nervous. I’ve actually found her information last year, and it’s been 9 years now that I want to go. It’s nerve racking but it’s necessary for me, so I don’t wanna shy away from being open and receiving actual help.

I cannot find happiness anymore.....

I own a golden retriever named Charlie. Life was so fun once I got him. I never felt low when he is around. It had gotten to a point where I couldn't leave him alone. Like I take him everywhere I go. Today was a sad day... Today I had an important exam, But the sad part is I lost him. I woke up to the tragic news that Charlie was no more. Having no choice, I had to give the exam with tears running down my cheeks and memories flashing before my eyes of Charlie. I LOVE YOU CHARLIE...I'm posting this to seek emotional support from people.

I don't feel comfortable confiding to friends

After confiding to a few friends about trauma and getting laughed at or hearing their shitty opinions on my trauma. It's not worth it to talk to people about that stuff. It makes me feel more shame and embarrassment. So, I'm starting to keep things to myself. Even in this post I don't want to go into detail about the trauma.

What am I supposed to do?

I’ve had clinical depression- that I am medicated for- for the past seven years. I’ve dealt with childhood abuse and severe childhood trauma that’s caused my trust in people to drop exponentially. Every single step I take forward it’s like I take fifteen back. I am on the highest possible dose I can go for my current anti depressant and my psychiatrist has dropped off the face of the earth without warning, deciding to move elsewhere for work and not give any referral. I have had an eating disorder since I was 13 that comes and goes, and instead of asking if I needed help everyone around me only tells me how disgusting I am for having it. I was sexually groomed by a 22 year old when I was 12 but people don’t tend to think much of it because I’m a guy The only things I have what’re keeping me going are my cats and a close friend. I do not want to die, but I really don’t want to exist.

I don't know what to do

I've come here because I do not know what I can do anymore and I believe that I need some insoght from people that actually understand. I am a 17F, as is my best friend. Even though she has never been diagnosed she has and currently is struggling woth suicidal ideation. She has been distancing herself from me, telling me that it was so that I could live without her. After having a conversation with her I told her that I was always going to be there for her to support and hold her hand when she needed me to. I've had my own struggles with mental health, I am diagnosed with severe OCD, so I know what despair and helplessness feels like. She helped me a lot during the worst of it and there are no words to explain the gratitude I feel for her. Even so, I understand that the experience of this mental disorder, as all the others, is different to mine. That said, I wanted to ask anyone that is willing to respond, what would you need or ask of a friend during a time like this? Would you appreciate the companionship or is there anything else, anything at all, that I could do.

I’m always the person who is ignored and I’m fed up of it

I’m always the one messaging people first and putting the effort in to chat. Obviously I’m never on their mine because they don’t bother messaging me or they ignore my messages when I know they’re on their phone. I am tired of being a kind and caring person all the time. I’m done with it. From now on I’m putting as much effect into talking to people as they do to me which means I probably won’t be talking to many people. It’s so depressing but I guess no one really likes me that much or ever has or will.