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while everyone is on vacation, im just rotting in my bed, alone | summers are just so hard and cruel | 7 |
I Am Tired of Living, What Do I Do? | I am 30 years old and I am so immensely tired of living. I keep getting closer and closer to killing myself, I know how I'd do it, I know where, I know what time of day, the only thing really stopping me is the love I have for my family and my unwillingness to hurt them. I feel like the reasons I can come up with are really stupid, but here goes. I have always had a problem with sadness and anger, but over the last decade things have gone up and down. There was a woman I fell in love with 8 years ago and six months into our relationship her dad was arrested and her life was turned upside down. I did my best to help her out. In the end she broke up with me, but we remained friends. I'm still in love with her though, and I've tried cutting her out for a couple years, I tried just being her friend, I tried other relationships, and nothing stopped the pain in my chest.
At this point I'm so tired of feeling this heartbreak and nothing I do is working to fix it. I want it to end so badly, or at least something to distract me from it. I tried picking up trash around town and hanging out with other people and working out and other things i thought would raise my self esteem, but none of that works. Video games, movies, painting, writing, reading, crafting, none of that really helps for long if at all. Anything that makes me think of her often leads to uncontrollable sobbing and sometimes rage.
It's not just her though, I feel no direction in life. I work as a landscaper and i don't like it, but I have no real desire or drive to be anything in particular. I'm thinking of finishing college and getting a degree in education, but I don't want to go into massive debt. I try to remind myself I have a lot to live for but it's not working anymore. It's getting to the point that I'm imagining killing myself several times a day, how great it would be to finally just let it all go. But I can't do that to my family and I really want more than anything to be happy again, to feel reason in living. What do I do? How can I overcome this? Is this even the right place to ask? I don't want to talk to my family or friends and worry them. Why isn't having family and friends enough to be okay? Am I being a self-centered child for feeling this way? Please if anybody can give me some advice or something to help me move on and reclaim my life and heal my heart I'm desperate at this point. | 2 |
Feels like this | You want anything to happen but nothing does, when anything does happen you feel nothing. | 1 |
Wasted Months | I had to withdraw from almost all my classes because of my depression and worsening ADHD symptoms. I've never gotten help for any of it.
I had three months to fix myself. School starts again in August.
I wasted all my time and I'm just getting worse. | 2 |
Ready to let go | I think I'm done hoping for anything now. | 5 |
Trying to get through | Trying to chase whatever I have wanted in life, I don't remember being happy about anything at any given point of time. I'm going to turn 21 tomorrow. My sister asked me a few days back if i would want to go back to being a kid again and I was not hesitant to say no. Because I cannot remember a single moment in life where I was happy, where I can say I want to go back, confidently. I wouldn't go back to yesterday or 10years back if I was given a chance. All I remember are the sad parts.
I remember being in 6th grade and thinking of ways to get of the situation of life, literally deeply thinking about how I can just not exist without hurting anyone. That was when I first started having such thoughts. I remember having the habits of pulling my hair or banging my head to the wall when I cry to STOP myself from crying. I don't know what it was but it used to work! I don't do those things anymore but it feels like I replaced those habits with worse habits.
It sucks to look back and not find a single moment where I was genuinely happy. I think every emotion I have except sadness is fake, just a ruse for all the real and only emotion I am made of that is sadness.
It's hard to have conversations with people because I don't find anyone on the same bandwidth as me, and I don't think I'm gonna find anyone as gloomy as I am. I cannot fake all these first conversations and be all sparkly and happy, it's just not me! And I hate to admit the fact that this is one of the major reasons I'm cooped up in a room. It's so difficult to process all this information that suddenly poped in my mind, just because of one fucking question that my sister asked. I'm not blaming her but it sucks to see how my brain works. I don't know how long I can hold onto so much burden of sadness, and I don't even know where it's coming from and why it's there! | 2 |
I'm leaving for the Blue Trail hike (1100km) this week | One thing I noticed is that sport can make my anxiety go away for a smaller period of time. I usually go cycling if I feel like ending things. When I'm on my bike it's like I'm fleeing from my depression which is following me everywhere. I've been thinking about a multiweek long hiking trip to clear my head for good. Finally I have the time for it. Anyone else tried helping themselves with El Camino like pilgrimages? Any suggestions other than to not go, because at this point I feel like this is the only way I'll be able to live with myself. | 5 |
i want to stop feeling like this | i have been suicidal since i was 11 (im 17 now) nothing bad really happened to me except for my mom leaving i just want to feel normal and be normal. does anyone know how i can stop feeling like this please | 1 |
Questions about a doctors visit | I made a throw away account to post this.
The short version is I asked my primary care physician today, if I happen to need a little time off of work either due to physical or mental problems would he write me a note. I am not trying to scam the system. I have a large amount of sick days accrued, however I can't use any for the next year. He said no, because everyone is stressed at work and if he wrote notes like that he would be writing them for everyone.
The longer version now. I work overnights in a somewhat physically demanding job. I've been there about five years and just recently took a promotion. Because of the promotion I can't use sick time for the next year or I lose the promotion. Honestly that may be the best thing. Since I took the promotion I have been stressed out way more than I should be. Plus working overnights is terrible as it is. Many nights I go in, where try as I may, I don't get any sleep, especially since taking the promotion.
Other stress is from constant attacks about my crew not doing their work, however I literally can't do anything about that as I am ordered not to discipline anyone out of fear of losing them. It also doesn't help that we are running at only 50% of our crew. When hired, new people also can not call off more than a couple times in for the first year, so no one stays very long. The few "old timers" can of course call in if they need to.
I have had pretty bad anxiety all my life. I've also have depression too. I lost both parents recently and I am having a hard time with that. I don't have a wife or children for a support group either. I also have ulcerative colitis, probably from poor stress management.
In the 35 years of working I have never once asked for any time off from any job. I've been working full time the last 33 years straight, so I don't really see myself as a shirker. Just lately things have been really rough. The stress and lack of sleep have been kicking my butt and is starting to manifest themselves in physical ways. Such as I feel the onset of a flare up of the ulcerative colitis for one. There are other things too, like feeling like I always have a permanent flu or something.
I don't know what to do. I thought about just quitting but I need my health insurance. As for needing money, there is that, but after 35 years of working, much of it overtime too, I have quite a bit in savings, my house is paid off, and I have zero debt.
I guess my question is this. The doctor made me feel like a baby for even suggesting that I'm reaching a breaking point. So am I just being a baby and I just need to suck it up?
| 1 |
i need to talk | can any one talk please | 1 |
It engulfs any progress I make | I was in a good place, and started to feel like things were getting better. And yet again, my depression swoops in around and engulfed all the efforts I put forth to get better. This loneliness I always try to ignore, but now it’s constantly eating away at me no matter what I do to fight it. | 1 |
Depression | I don’t know what to say. Think I’m pretty much at my end. Depression leads to suicide and I just can’t deal with it anymore. Have no one to turn to.
Attempted suicide twice in 2021 overdosing and attempting to jump a bridge.
Hobbies just don’t keep my mind busy and neither does work, my mind seems to wonder off and think what if i did end it all.
I get bored easily no matter what I do.
Suicide seems to be a joke to most people I hear talk about it so just feel lost and always have. | 2 |
I have no future and have lost everything I’ve ever cared about, I see no reason to live. | I honestly can’t believe I’m writing this but I’d just like to share this in case I do throw in the towel so loved ones could at least know why I did what I did.
I’d like to start by saying I did this to myself. I had a decent life when you looked at me from an outside view but I was always different and an introvert. I developed some nasty habits and got caught about 3 months ago. Since then I’ve tried everyday to right my wrongs and move on to become a better person. But I’m constantly reminded of my mistakes everyday and I feel like it’s never gonna end. Going through this era of depression has cost me every single friend I’ve ever had, and even some close cousins of mine. My whole family knows I’m a fuck up and I wanna move on but it seems like the world doesn’t want me to. Ik this will probably sound crazy but I think it’s a sign from the universe, god, or whatever higher power that I need to end my life bc I will never get better. I’ll say it once again, I’ve tried so hard to be better and move on. I was supposed to start up my last semester this august and finish by April but I can’t finish school with how my life is rn. I’m 18 and I already failed at life. I was sober for the first month or so after the incident so I could keep a clear head but now I’m back to numbing the pain with whatever drugs I can get my hands on, (kratom, phenibut, alcohol, weed, kava, kanna😕). I just want to die whether it’s from drugs or with something else…
I get stares wherever I go and I can’t drive or hold a job because of it. I stay in my room watching Netflix all day hating myself. There are plants I take care of but idk how much longer I’ll have the motivation to even do that. I’ve already been in 2 psych wards and I don’t wanna go back, those places were hell. If I had confirmation that this will end one day and life will allow me to get better I’d have hope. Right now it seems hopeless to even try. I’ve done bad things but I feel like that’s all I’ll ever be known for so why shouldn’t I kill myself? It’s gotten to the point where suicide seems like the only logical option. I’ve thought about it so much it brings a calmness to my brain knowing I have the power to end the suffering for me and for my loved ones. | 3 |
I’m not cut out for any of this | I don’t feel cut out for love or the real world or life in general. Everything should be OK for me - I have a partner, I’m in college and my parents are loving and supportive. But I’m not deserving of any of it, and I’m not good at any of it. I’m ungrateful and apathetic to the people I love - I think I’m more of a “friend” than a “partner.” I’m 19 years old and have never had a job and I still can’t drive. I made a promise to myself when I was younger that I would kill myself once my parents died, but I don’t know how I can wait that long. I don’t want to be working for the rest of my life because I’m just too lazy, and worthless. I wish people would just stay away from me. All I do is hurt people. | 1 |
I don't deserve life | All I hear from others around me is how great, smart and talented they are, and always show it off. I can't relate to that at all as I am nowhere near anyone else's level. And this is all my fault, if I was a better person I could do better. I don't deserve life. I don't even know why I continue living when I am clearly inferior to everyone. | 1 |
depressed, but... without feeling sad? | So how do I start this? Sigh, I don't even know if this is depression, but I'm gonna post this here anyways. I'm diagnosed with moderate recurrent depressive disorder. My psychiatrist started me on lithium together with desvenlafaxine and suddenly everything felt good. I was not having any more depressive episodes, nor did I want to kill myself or commit self harm anymore.
But something started to happen. First I stopped taking care of myself. It's been 6 days I haven't brushed my teeth. I only take baths because my mom forces me to, but there are days not even her can bring me to shower. I feel filthy, I feel lazy, I feel like the worst person in the world. BUT I'm not feeling depressed, I just... don't have the motivation to do those things, but I get no depressed feeling.
And now, to top it off, I'm isolating myself from my friends and family. I'll spend days in my room and only leave to eat and go to the toilet. But no depressed feeling is involved, maybe only guilt for not talking to my friends and family.
Can anybody relate to this? | 2 |
Adventure time | So i guess advaenture time series is keeping me alive for couple more days or weeks | 2 |
Im finally happy | I’m so happy. I found the answer
I was in a bad situation growing up, but thats not what I’m gonna talk about, i want to help as many as i can to get out of their depression and realize the meaning of everything.
It doesn’t really matter where you are in life or whats happened, what matters is starting.
I was in a bad mindset and i hated myself and others in my life then there was no happiness, nothing but just disappointment,
I was laying in my bed when it came from nowhere… i said to myself i either do something or i die today, I thought about it and i knew that i would die eventually so why not try i had nothing to lose.
Keep dying would just as painful as trying, but if i tried there was a chance to save myself.
I didn’t know what to do i searched untill something caught my eye scrolling on youtube, some dumb video on the philosophy of nihilism, i was slightly interested and with nothing to do i watched, it was an amazing experience, i just knew i was on the right path but i wasn’t quite there yet.
I searched up more philosophy videos and found a channel called einzelganger or something like that, he made videos on different philosophies and he made it so interesting to watch with powerful examples.
I found something which felt right like i was at home, taoism, stoicism and buddhism(the philosophical part of buddhism)
But just studying these philosophies or your own is not gonna do the work, no i applied their teaching in my life and i noticed slightly… day by day things were looking better.
But what really did the kick was something i did next. Their teachings are strong and wise but we are all different and the same medicine isn’t gonna work for every patient, so i applied my own twist.
just as it started i was laying on my bed looking at videos and a question came up, is there anything scarier than being alone with your own thoughts? I didn’t answer but just put down my phone and started think, thinking about what i could do better not just physically like training but emotionally and spiritually.
And then i found the meaning of life.
To decide for yourself, when I’m inevitably on my death bed what will i look back on,
How many friends i had? No, how expensive my clothes was? No, i could go on but What matters to me is…was i good not just to myself but to others.
Can you believe how horrible life would be if we had our own predestined meanings?
But because life has no meaning we get the beautiful freedom of deciding on our own.
Im going to follow my dreams and help as many people i can on the way. The rest doesn’t matter. What happened doesn’t matter the present does.
I came back to reality for a second and realized that the root of all my problems was not the world or what happened but me, i was the problem.
I lied, brainwashed myself into thinking the things I believed and i hid the answers from myself for all those years because i was afraid to be alone with my conscience.
I had all the answers within me i just was scared to look, and so was everyone else.
I waked up spiritually and i found happiness, i couldn’t help myself but to smile at the world and the world couldn’t help but to smile back too.
The key to everything is balance it may sound strange and confusing but balance is the key apply i to your life and you will understand, to much of anything is bad for you. To much resting is bad just as to much training but the balance will teach you the way, balance rally can be found everywhere and many of the worlds problems are rooted in the lack of balance.
Be willing to learn, be willing to try, be your best self.
Either you win or you learn, there is no loosing if you look at it that way.
No one can help you hut yourself be strong enough to be kind.
Strong people dont bring people down but bring them up.
Its not garenteed that following what i did will save you but the person which knows your answers is you, but trying what i did couldn’t hurt, it could only help.
Being a good and fulfilling person doesn’t mean being rich or having a good nofap spree, or having lots if women or guys, or being smart or anything but being good to yourself whatever that means to you.
Just because the world is horrible doesn’t mean you have to be too, be the difference.
There is so much i want to say but just know you have all the answers.
And also be independent, i dont mean
“i dont no man” type independent but i mean your happiness, not being dependent on something for example video games, family, a significant other. I dont mean you cant feel happy from these thing but i mean you should work on still being happy even if those things disappeared.
Good luck, and don’t disappoint me ;)
Just know it does get better you just have to try :) | 5 |
Struggling with life | So my fiance (33F, we'll call her N) and I (34M) are currently living in Oklahoma, a state I've always viewed as a prison. We're here because my ex lives here with my two boys (11 & 7). I get them one weekend a month and for 1 month in the summer (it rotates along with major holidays). We're also taking care of my nephews (9&5) because my sister's in the Navy (and her ex husband is an abusive POS).
Well, since we got my older nephew in 2020, life has literally run downhill, partially because of poor decisions and partially because of bad luck, and we're always financially strapped because when we moved to OK, we had to buy a bunch of necessities.
Due to my job, I can't get a second one and I'm 6 months away from a great promotion. N refuses to get a better paying job (she gets to WFH, which allows her to take care of the kids, which adds to the stress). She could easily make a decent wage getting a weekend job (strictly Friday thru Sunday) doing something she's been wanting to do and make a killing, as much as I do before child support and health insurance, but she still refuses to and won't tell me why. She's also suffering from depression and idk what else, but angrily refuses to get help.
I'm just feeling incredibly overwhelmed because it seems like everyday, life gets so much worse and I'm just so exhausted. On top of it all, because her kids were abused, they're fucked up in the head, so my fiance has to constantly take time off of work to take them to therapy. They don't listen and they're therapists get upset because we're not performing to the standard they feel we should (we're two broke people taking care of some seriously fucked up minors with no real moral support.
To top it off, because of how shit is, we can't afford to get assistance because we make too much even though we're struggling. Every time we save up even a little money, something happens (natural disasters, wooo).I just keep spiraling more and more frequently. Also, we get no time away from the kids (we don't live near family so no one can help us) and everyone in both my fiance's family and mine are moving up, doing better in life (even my sister), but we aren't/can't.
I'm so stressed, I worry about getting a haircut because of how broke we are, but no one else seems to care. My sister won't take her kids back and I can't leave my fiancé because I can't financially afford too. I'm not "the bad S word" but I'm just so lost, I want to lay down on the bed or something and not get up for the foreseeable future. | 1 |
Is it good enough reason to kill oneself? | I am in my early 40s. I am a complete looser. Without giving much details about myself I would like to ask a simple question. I "**Not Making Money**" or "**Not Being Able To make Enough Money**" or simply put "**Being A Sad Looser**" good enough reason to kill oneself? | 6 |
I just feel misserable about it all. | Well the title says it all.
Its not like my life is awfull, but sometimes it just dosent feel worth it. Im engaged. I love my fiance. But I feel like ahit next to her. She just graduated with honors. And Im still stuck with my first year curricula of UNI in a degree I realized I fuxking suck at and shouldnt be coursing.
I have a shit job and I only have it because its cheaper for a fucking huge tech company to hire a third world person than someone in the US. Im tierd of hearing my US coworkers talk about getting a 10 thousnd usd bounus when thats what I make in a year.
I feel drained out and like there is no fucking point to it. Even if I foucused moved majors and graduated it means I would be 27 by then.
My partner wants to move to another country. I dont have the money to go with and it kills me thinking of the distance just hurting our relation. Like 1 month is easy to go by and even then I feel a little left out. But 4 years while I get a shit piece of paper.
I dont know how to tell her that I feel like so much less compared to her. I couldnt attempt to kill my self again because then it will destroy her emotionaly.
Im at a loss right now. | 1 |
I'm tired of life | I don't have the strength to kill myself but I don't have the strength to live. Where does that leave me? | 1 |
Feel like I'm falling asleep all the time | Nothing wrong with my blood. Nothing medical. Just tired. When I lay down I can't sleep but I can't get up easily. I'm so tired. I'm on summer break now and I literally got up at 2pm and played minecraft and laid in bed. Now it's 10pm and I feel so fucking tired. I just want to sleep. | 2 |
It’s getting worse | I don’t have the energy to drive 30 minutes to a psychologist or a therapist, I am losing motivation I’m useless I don’t do anything all day, I have no friends no job, it’s becoming worse and worse everyday I wake up and I wish I didn’t, I keep forcing myself to sleep even if I got enough sleep just to escape but there’s energy to use, I wanna commit su!code I really do but I’ve been in pains before that traumatized me and I never wanna feel that pain again, I tried overdosing and I regretted it and had the WORST pain in my fucking life that it made me rethink about my suicidal tendencies, but I don’t want to be here anymore I don’t want to suffer anymore, I don’t belong here everyone left me behind got what they wanted, 0 friends!, I don’t know what to do I’m fucking useless | 1 |
Huge anxiety attack RN | Don’t know if it’s the right thread but figured I’d give it a shot.
I’m currently wide awake at night in the middle of a panic attack. I live in a secluded area and I keep hearing noises from outside of the house all the time. My dog hears them too and growls and barks at them occasionally. Sounds like something hitting the walls of the house or the garage.
I am literally shaking and praying for dawn right now I’m so panicked. I’m aware they are probably settling noises or animals otherwise my dog would bark much more but I can’t calm down and have nothing to distract myself from it. Do you have any suggestions what I can do to calm down? | 1 |
I can’t adult anymore | Got any advice? Any at all | 3 |
Self Awareness and Acceptance of your Fate | So this isn't about killing myself or wanting to and it's not to say that I've achieved some higher enlightening.
A little background on me. 34M veteran of the GWOT both as military and a contractor. Divorced once and many failed relationships. The best part of those is I'm always told I'm an amazing guy just not their guy or person.
After my most recent break up of 9 months I did an evaluation of my life from childhood to now. One thing that's stands out the most to me is that whenever I'm doing good in life or something good comes along there is a price that I pay for it. "IE" I get a good high paying job and I loose a relationship from it or I get hit with something unexpected like a financial situation or the good job comes with shitty people. While it's never a day or two later it's always within a month or two of the positive event that I get hit with the negative. At first glance I though there maybe some self sabotage at play but I've ruled that out especially since I've made life changes to try and negate any negatives in my daily life like drinking, smoking, any other vices like going out and putting myself in shifty situations. So on to my realization.
I've come to realize that I'm just ment to walk alone in life. I care deeply for people and the ones I love I will move heaven and earth for. This doesn't make me some lonely ronin warrior destined to do good deeds and never be loved it's just the way life is for me. So my question to other vets is does anyone else feel this way or have similar experiences of achieve something positive and then have a negative take you down soon after with out self sabotage being a factor, and make you feel like it's just the cycle that's just how your life is. | 3 |
I can't take life anymore and it's only getting worse | *my family always put me down for smoking it's the only thing holding my life apart without weed I wouldn't be alive right now. everyone hates me I can't stop crying myself to sleep at night and the worst part is I already went threw this. I had tried so hard to get out of my depression I can't take it I have no one to talk to and no one wants to talk to me none of my friends will even respond to me I feel like a total failure I want to end it and I just might...* | 0 |
The only reason I didn't kill myself yet is moving 3500km away. | There is this one girl, who is always happy, and her happiness is contagious.
Everytime she shows up, everyone starts smiling.
Nothing, except for her, managed to make me smile in the last 3 years.
Now she will move to Georgia (the one in Europe/Asia), which is 3500 kilometers away.
I don't think, I'll survive this. | 3 |
Email I sent my therapist - did I say something I might regret? | My mental health has taken a serious downturn in the last year or so. I won't belabor the point here, but I've been in therapy for over 8 months (and have seen other therapists for years prior to this one), and while my therapist has helped quell some of my self destructive thoughts, I remain my own worst enemy.
I sent her the following email a few days ago. I'm a tad bit concerned she might have to report me to someone for some of the things I mention here. Should I be concerned about that?
"Hey \*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*,
So I don’t want this to send the wrong message, but I’ve secretly been holding back on mentioning something for the last few sessions. Please just read the whole message before you react in any way.
For the last two or three months, I feel like I’ve been battling against what some might consider passive thoughts of (possibly intentional?) self harm. Nothing to the level of wanting to commit suicide, PLEASE don’t think I’m saying that. However, it’s more of this strong urge to just do something, anything, to snap myself out of the persistent funk I’ve been in for a long time. It probably explains why I suddenly started experimenting with stuff like mushrooms and LSD. There’s a large part of me that, and this comes as no surprise, is still just very unhappy with everything in my life, and I just need to find some sort of release from the mental and emotional stress I battle on a daily basis. Probably comes with the territory for borderline folks, such as I believe I am.
You’ve been a big help, don’t get me wrong, but we’ve only scratched the surface on how fucked up I am, I feel. We’ve established long ago how being the massive loner I am is not good for me, yet I still feel mostly powerless to stop it, given my repeated failures to connect with others, despite multiple attempts. Getting ghosted multiple times a month for the last few months has really sunk my self esteem to new lows. Every time it happens, I find myself shrinking back a little more into my shell. There’s only so much rejection I can take before I just give up on everything, for good.
I took today off work, as a mental health day. Spent the day cleaning a lot at home, since I kind of let things get away from me due to my bad case of depression. Felt good to be productive, but as soon as I finished and just lay down in bed, the intrusive thoughts kicked right back in. I can’t win. My mind is my worst enemy, and I hate myself deeply for falling into this same trap every time.
I faintly remember saying something in a previous email to you that I’m not actively looking for ways to intentionally hurt myself, but if something bad happened on its own, I wouldn’t be too bothered by it. That still rings true today. Like, I would never (and this is just an extreme example, shows how I tend to think worst case scenario on a lot of shit still) intentionally run headfirst into busy traffic or anything, but if a stray car were to accidentally hit me, eh, so be it. It would probably suck, but eh, it would feel like par for the course for me given my track record in life so far.
I must admit, I’m pretty freaked out about what might happen if this behavior progresses."
My biggest concern is that I go in for a major surgery soon (transgender bottom surgery), and in order to get approved for the surgery, I had to be declared mentally capable of handling everything associated with it. I even had to go to a few psychiatrists who affirmed I've never had inpatient psychiatric holds. | 1 |
Robot | I feel like a robot. Nothing really makes me happy and if it does, it doesn’t last long. | 1 |
Insecurity | Since 2019, I keep feeling insecure because of being 5’8. I feel like I’m just another dude. My motivation since that year was to increase in size but I always gave up since it seemed impossible. At this point I can’t even motivate myself to do anything. | 1 |
Struggling | Hi. I'm new here. I am struggling right now. I feel completely empty. My anxiety has been at 100% for over 2 weeks. I went to the hospital and they couldn't do anything. I would do anything for some type of relief. | 1 |
I have been feeling really tired lately, everything seems so boring and I haven’t been feeling like doing anything, and I have anxiety that comes and goes, I’ve been going through depersonalization episodes and I just cry sometimes because I want it to stop. | By the way this all started a week ago randomly. Nothing bad happened so why do I feel like this? is this depression? | 1 |
Good things never last, what is the point of having hope? | They arrive, make you feel happy and then everything is destroyed in a second. I just don't want to feel anything I'm tired of being illuded. | 3 |
Sometimes I wish. | I wish I had someone who I could honestly talk to about how I really feel. But at the same time, I feel like it's just a waste of time. It wouldn't really matter at all how many people say that they care for me when I feel I don't deserve it. Maybe if I just tried a little bit harder I wouldn't have ended up this way. | 6 |
first therapy appointment this week | i went to therapy a few times as a teenager but its been years, i finally got the courage to make an appointment and its on Thursday, i still need to fill out all the forms to bring in but can't bring myself to, also cancelled my medication review last week and im too anxious to phone in and book another.
i struggle with alcoholism and im debating bring it up at my appointment but i don't know what they'd do or say im just scared man | 2 |
What we all understand | But those who don't suffer from Depression do not
Just wanted to tell my story as a form of journaling and thought why not on here instead.
From the time I was a child, I was always quieter, questioning things all children ask but not getting the answers I wanted or the answers I got didn't Feel right
Why are we here. What's our purpose, is there a purpose? Amongst other things
Growing up I Felt everything deeply, Beautifully at times. Even the Melancholy was enjoyable
And then my 20s came along and My search went from religious to spiritual and I'm not sure if it was that constant dissatisfaction with Life but I felt there had to be more to it
Alcohol, is this it? Okay bummer but let's keep at it cos it's different to the norm
Drugs, okay so it's nowhere near as bad as it was made out to seem except for Crack maybe
Some I enjoyed liked MDMA but always after, I would think I want this feeling Naturally and sure it could be had.
Sex, oh that's all it is. Unless in Love
And then something in me broke
It was like an uncomfortable acceptance that this world is Bland. That most people are fake.
And life became monotonous, tiring.
I literally couldnt / cannot find joy in things I know I should
It started of as muted and now... Am inability to appreciate
Like I can see a beautiful sunset and think I should be enjoying this like others around me but.. I couldn't
And people could see I guess.. dead eyes
Been through so many SSRIs, MAOIs, trycyclics
None worked
SSRIs turned me into an emotionally flatlined zombie
Some meds were speedy anxious unnatural feelings
But the dead feeling never left
To the point that I realised that I'm no longer living. I am merely alive.
Everyday is a repeat of the previous no matter where I go or what I do
Motivation Is gone. I'm tired
The Only thing I could say helped was Love for another
The 'distraction' of wanting to be responsible for anothers happiness hid the reality of my own mind and Life
I used to think that depression always had to have a source. Which could then be addressed.
But I'm beginning to believe it is possibly genetic or biological and my worst fear and what I've resolved myself to. This is it!
I cannot even remember a time I was happy
OR if I think back to a time I was happy, it's more a blur and I can't remember the good feelings
I see people I should know and can't remember anything that they mention from our past
It's a vague memory of a face and awkwardness cos I can't remember.
COVID definitely hit me for a 6 as well
I'm Done! I non emotionally and quite rationally have planned My exit.
I think it's unfair that we aren't allowed to choose when we Go
But I want to.
I have it all planned. Letters written, explanations
For those I do Love to understand why and hopefully accept
The dead feeling and monotony has turned into a Physical pain
There was someone too that contributed to This
My fault at Hope
I may not be a man cos of it.
But I'm tired so tired and now in Pain
I think it's so unfair that if one has a physical disease then their pain is lessened as they die but I have to endure this for so long and its frowned upon to go on my terms
I could never understand suicide before but now I realise that some People are suffering and see no way out.
And I now shudder to imagine what Pain they are in that Death seems like the best option.
If it wasn't for the family I would leave behind hurt forever, I'd be gone tomorrow but I have to continue hurting them now with my distance.
Once my parents are gone, I will too
I don't believe a child should go before their parents
Before anyone says hang in there and it gets Better
Whilst I appreciate it
I'm tired so tired and it hurts every single Day
To those of you suffering, I'm so Very Sorry!
Life is a shit deal
There's no two ways about it
We try to make the best of it
Delude ourselves with religion
Some to drugs
No matter, we all know the Truth
I just wish to no longer Be!
Depression is Real.
You're not Lazy
And exercise nor chemicals will always help
Thanks if you've read this far
For those suffering. I understand!
I don't promise it'll get Better but ...
The only thing I look forward to is Death
It's only ever exposed when a celebrity dies from suicide or depression whilst millions suffer and die alone and in silence
I Love You All! | 1 |
My (32F) motivation/self discipline has gone after failing to cope with becoming disabled. Can I get it back? | The TL;DR is how can I help myself with my mental health and gain self discipline whilst I am on the waitlist for professional help?
I've basically become so severely depressed that I've gone past the point of emotion and all I do is just barely function where I either sleep or watch something on TV trying to pass the day. My self discipline and motivation has vanished, replaced with distant wishes of wanting to have an active life again. I'm at a point where I avoid absolutely everything and I can't seem to gain it back. I'm on max dose of multiple anti depressants but talking therapy has the biggest waitlist so I know I'm not going to see anyone anytime soon. I can't afford private healthcare/therapy.
I became disabled last year and honestly I wish I would of just perished instead. I now cannot do the sports I used to do, I can't even f*cking walk properly anymore or use my wheelchair for a long time due to fatigue and bodywide pain, I have gained a ridiculous amount of weight so currently detest my appearance/struggle even more to get around, my relationship is in the gutter where I am financially dependent on a v toxic man so I genuinely can't leave rn (I will also lose my dog if I leave due to restrictions on local shelters), I no longer feel up to going out of the house to do things like see friends, and even the job I used to love doing exhausts me within a week of going back when I do try to go so I am on long term sick at the moment. How the hell do I even begin to get well enough to become a functioning person? Even just being able to go back to full time work would be amazing/life changing for me rn.
For clarification I am at no risk of s/h or unaliving, I just want to stop myself being like this and work through the fatigue and pain to get some sort of life back for myself whilst shedding codependency on my husband but I don't know how. I am poor so cannot afford things like carers. If it makes a difference I have ADHD on top of the good ol' standard severe depression and anxiety. | 1 |
My heart feels so.fkin.empty. | I need 24/7 cuddles and I think only depression people can understand it | 3 |
My Best friend is suicidal he need proof to leave his relationship | yew_two
Me and my buddy think he's being cheated on and the uncertainty is literally killing him. Please spam the snap above to get the snap score high enough to hide that it is a spam. He's been talking about suicide, and keeps saying he just needs to know | 1 |
I'm just getting met with one problem after another. | So, I'm a college student and I've been fighting depression ever since I began high school. I started off pretty great for my first semester, but then my depression got the better of me near December and worsened for my second semester. I was put on academic probation and my financial aid was suspended.
It was only until pretty much near the end of my second semester that I, for the first time ever, decided to reach out for help and talked to a campus therapist. I began meeting with the therapist in March and I'm still making appointments with them, during that time it's actually helped me a good deal to actually have someone to pour out all of my thoughts and feelings to and get real time feedback on what I can do or how I could cope.
I've spoken to a therapist before in a mental hospital after a failed suicide attempt but during that time I didn't care at all what they were saying and I was just trying anything to bullshit my way out of there quicker. But this time, I really do care and I really wanted to get better lest I just try to kill myself for a third time and I dont want to think about that anymore.
All of this being said, fixing things with college haven't been entirely easy, my therapist says that I shouldn't hold myself at fault for all of my college failings but I really fucking hate myself for allowing it to get this bad. And I've tried appealing for my financial aid and they're really not helping me out too much (not that its really their job to care about my mental health but I wish they'd throw me a bone). And on top of all of this, my car craps out on me, resulting in having to not only get that fixed but also waste money catching übers and this just made me more and more anxious about not being able to pay off college. I know I could just take a break and whatnot, but I hate being at home and so this is all just a massive pain, I'm just getting fucked by one problem after the other. Everything just sucks. | 1 |
i’m so fucking sad and alone and idk what to do about it :( | i’m so so sick of feeling like this. every day i wake up feeling a bit better and hoping this will be the day where things improve but no, it’s always back to the same shit. the smallest inconvenience and it’s on and off crying all day, sometimes spiralling to the point of self harm. i just feel so alone and like barely anyone really truly cares about me. most of my friends are happy and a lot of them are in relationships, and i just don’t get why i can’t have the same. i just want a happy life where i don’t feel like a burden and like everyone is going to reject me or leave me, and i’m tired of feeling so sorry for myself about it. i literally don’t know what to do because i can’t go on feeling like this :( | 5 |
Feeling like a failure, just because a few people make fun of me | Please help. I don't know why I'm so weak. I've already posted about it here I think months ago and there has been no improvement.
To make it short, a girl rejected me asking her out, which is fine, but then went to her friends and told them everything. They're all in my classroom and it makes it so hard. Two guys I was in the group who I was good friends with, stopped talking to me. One pos, would indirectly take digs at me, calling out her name while pretending to talk to her on phone. And the worst part is, it led to the complete shattering of all the confidence I'd built up after so many months. What I'm worried about is, how many people she has she told this to. Because I feel like I've been certified as a weirdo in the college batch.
It just makes me feel ashamed of myself and ever thinking of 'dating'. I hate myself. Sometimes I wish I would change my college and give the exam again. Please help me. | 1 |
I used to not care | Got better and cared about the future, just wanting to see the future.
Now i have health anxiety, generally worsening anxiety and mood swings.
Signed up for cryonics, contacted life insurance, they didn't even make an offer, just flat out declined, because I'm too unhealthy. I'm in my early 20's.
I'm scared of losing the job i just got, because I can't perform and got rejected many times.
I used to not care and now I'm an anxious mess.
Self-improvement is a meme, but what else is there?
I wish there were a god | 2 |
Depressed and having a hard time | Depressed, trying to rebuild my routines, made huge mistakes in the past but trying to move on...today was difficult.
Got told at work that 'my feelings' are not important. I confided in someone who is a coach / someone who i thought was an empathetic leader. And they called me off - told me Im poc female and dont have the same rights as a white male / female counterpart. That i need to keep 'my feelings' to myself. The white male / female counterpart did the same thing and shared their feelings and werent talked down upon.
I feel shitty about my existence. I trusted someone (again) and it didnt go well. This existence has been a burden and will always be. Sharing feelings only works as long as they are within boundaries of what the other person expects. Cross it and ill get burned. Ill be shown my place. Bottom of the rung. Not smart. Living off others grace. Nothing piece of crap. No wonder no one wants me. No wonder i am alone. No one chooses me. Right since childhood - been the lonely weird kid.
I will not let this get to me. I dont want it to. I havent worked out in 3 days and feel like crap. Need to get back to it. | 1 |
Life appears great but i feel not | I often receive compliments for leading a seemingly happy life – married, two adorable dogs, and overall contentment. However, I must confess that beneath the surface, I’ve been grappling with financial burdens stemming from both student loans and credit card debt. This silent struggle has left me hesitant to express my true thoughts, as I’ve experienced dismissal when opening up to friends in the past. Today, a wave of loneliness washed over me, catching me off guard and leading to tears while I sat upright. I find myself unsure of life. | 3 |
? |
I always feel like im not important and that i have No porpuse or reason for living. I feel this and when i realize that i have No friends and am not on good termi with family i realize that No one would miss me so i Wonder how could i be happy? Any tips( ive been goi g yo therapy for years without any progress)
#help
#mentalhealth | 0 |
Im tired, I don’t feel | Even though I’m on medication, I feel like is not working. I’m barely 20 and I feel like giving up. I’m tired of loving my mom and not getting any love back. My stepdad ruined everything the moment he married her, I resent him so much. I don’t feel loved at all, I hate that my mom suddenly changed and only focus on him, I hate how I have spent every breath trying to make my mom proud since little only for him to come and take her away, it’s been like this since I was 12, I’m tired of my mom not seeing me as her daughter, but more as a obligation. I’m supposed to be loved my mom, that’s how it is? She just gets annoyed every time I ask her anything, she talks to me like she’s tired of seeing me. She rather spend time with him than her own daughters, it’s not fair, how can she put him first rather than her own blood? Why does she get mad at me for every little thing? I’m so tired, I really tried, younger me would’ve give everything for her, I never, ever thought that was going to change. It doesn’t feel real. I just want to give up | 2 |
Depression cured by moving to a new apartment complex | This seems odd to me. I was feeling depressed. Nothing out of the ordinary except this feeling of no purpose, which isn’t all that uncommon. But the odd thing is, once I moved from one apartment complex to another, my depression went away even though nothing else in my life changed! The new apartment is in a nicer side of town and there’s a lot more space out here, so could the more pleasant surroundings account for this? If so, I am a bit concerned how much my living surroundings has an affect on my mental well being, with all other things being equal! It’s concerning because just taking me out of my preferred living area can cause me to spiral, and I want to be stronger than that. Has anyone else had a similar experience? | 2 |
Am I hallucinating or | I’ve been hearing my bosses’ voices downplaying and threatening me…when they’re not around. I’ve experienced psychosis before but I’ve never been able to recognise “who” those voices are. And now that it’s happened again…. I recognise them. Does this happen?
Is this the same? Or am I just imagining things. Is the psychosis happening again? | 2 |
I just wanna die | I feel that I'm the worst person | 2 |
Is there anyone to talk to help me feel better? | I just went through a breakup last night and it was mutual because long distance from college and everything was just too hard, but we both love each other so much and I’m so attached to him and I literally feel like I’m going insane. My mind is moving a million times faster than me and I haven’t really stopped crying for the past almost 24 hours now and I’m trying to distract myself but everything I do I pick it up and get bored after a second and try to move on to something else but literally nothing is working | 1 |
What mum thinks… | My mum got concerned because I said 1 sentence to her when I got home from work and have been really quiet tonight- the truth is I’ve had an awful day- I’ve had a fake smile plastered on all day. I haven’t had a genuine smile since my breakup. Even then it’s been 13 years since I really smiled properly: which was my first heartbreak when grandad died.
I managed to get off my antidepressants 9 months ago- then I got broken up with and that sent me into a downward spiral. I’ve had this since I was 12 and I’m now 26. My parents didn’t know about it until I was 18 when I was good at hiding it. Ever since I’ve on and off tried to hide it. I have certain people who see how broken I am mentally, emotionally and all the rest.
It tends to get worse when I don’t have distractions and I tend to take work home with me since distraction is key with me because that’s all I seem to do- since the assistant director at work seems to think I take it home to finish it, my purpose is to take it home to destract me from the fact I feel worthless and useless.
I have days where I can’t deal with it because it hurts too much. Days where I don’t eat much and try avoid people. Other days I push myself to physically exhausted so I don’t have to think about what my mind does to me. I’ve started doing counseling on the weekend but it’s not really helping | 4 |
my addiction is ruining my life | so im addicted to kim kardashian not in a way that ï'm a big fan of her because honestly i really don't care what she does in her life but every time I see a picture or video of her 1 get an extremely strong urge to jerk off to her and I can't focus on anything else it's bad that i can only get an erection when i look at kim Because of this have I a lot of awkward moments between me and my girlfriend and i am too embarrassed to seek
professional help does anyone have any advice for me -
- this is what my previous post said i've asked you before what i can do but everything i try brings me downhill worth it i honestly have no idea how it got this far the moment i see a photo or video of kim i cum without jerking off it's like my body is commanded to cum the moment i see kim lately i started drinking a lot to get rid of the feeling of failure things are not going well between me and my girlfriend and i know it's my fault
- i live in greece i a small village we only have 1 therapist here but he doesn't take me serious except for him , the nearest therapist is almost an hour and a half by car away what should I do | 0 |
Why should I even love or like myself, I'm inferior to everyone | I hate myself but my family loves me, I can't kill myself because of them, I hope I die soon. | 6 |
How do you start/find good therapy? | I'm beginning to think maybe I should take the whole therapy thing serious for once. I've "fixed" my life 3 different times now. Typically going through years of severe depression before I suddenly just 180 and turn things around, usually becoming hyper focused on fitness. Though to be honest, my biggest problem is it only fixed the "outside" never how I truly felt.
Recently, I've often thought about how prior to covid, you'd have thought I had life down. I had a good job, I made okay money, I was traveling abroad with friends, I had a decent group of friends, lots of hobbies, I was constantly being asked how it was possible I didn't have a gf, I didn't really know either, I just know I was completely alone, I didn't really have anyone despite being surrounded by a lot of people and doing a lot of things.
So clearly, there is a lot more I guess going on under the surface. But my bigger problem is constantly (even still) thinking that therapy just wouldn't actually help me. I can't help but know that I'd either gain nothing from it, or that I'll likely do the same as with everyone else, and put on my typical mask that makes everyone say "I'm so positive all the time, they can't imagine me angry, I'm a good person", I'm not, I'm angry ALL the time, I'm severely bitter, and away from people, I'm driven mad by peoples hypocrisy and double standards.
It seems impossible for me to believe that talking to a therapist could help me uncover anything I don't already know. I've had some not great things happen in my past, I can see directly where they have affected my current life. I can even see how my upbringing as a child caused me to be both who I am now, and who I was. I've done a lot of personal forgiving of my own parents, the realization that they are also their own individual people, who had kids, and just tried to do their best, even recognizing that a lot of the things I despise about growing up, many people would call a blessing. I'm even able to often sit and list down things that I'd say to someone else with the same problems. Do the small things, give yourself easy tasks, putting yourself out there more, taking some chances, etc. Yet I STILL struggle with it. How would someone telling me things I already know suddenly make me do them? How does talking through things I've already processed help me at all in my current life?
Maybe worse than all of that, is the realization that in reality, good therapy is not an immediate find. Very often people will need to try a few times to find a therapist who really does work for them...idk how to do that, and it also sounds like a recipe for disaster if its expected that the first therapist I try to find just wouldn't work. I can easily see that causing me to give up the search rather than continue searching.
But with that said, I really do not like myself. Like anything about myself, I hate the way I look, not just weight, but generally HOW I look, my height, my body hair, my hairline, my teeth, etc. I hate my personality, what people always say they like about me is purely a mask. Its why I'm constantly so exhausted whenever I go do things, because I'm having to feel like I'm "performing" the entire time just to once again go home by myself. So clearly, I can't help myself, being depressed the entirety of my 20s and now even more severe in my early 30s, I clearly need to consider outside help....I just have absolutely no idea how to actually make it useful and not wind up with another thing that is completely useless to me. | 1 |
I'm lost | I'm in a very dark place since my partner left me after 5 years. I feel lost and lonely. I still have big hopes but I know they'll never come back... I'm thinking about ending it all, because this pain is to much to bear.
Yet I'm scared to do it, because I'll leave my cat, my friends and my family behind... I'm scared to tell them how far my mind has gone now. I still pretend to move forward but in truth I just can't
I still hear your laugh, your voice, see your beautiful eyes, smell your parfume every day, feel your hand in mine... all these beautiful memories we made are running in my mind all day.
I just want this fucking pain to end, we've planned a future, we had 5 wonderful years without any fucking problems and they left me for someone else who is a very horrible person and will only hurt them... I want to fight for you my love, but you'll never see the truth that your trauma and depression is lying to you.
Why did you leave me behind like that... you always promised to be with me... I'm so fucking scared to never see you again that I rather just go and die
I was so happy for these 5 years and thought I've finally MADE it after all the shit in my life | 2 |
Amphetamines USELESS since starting Prozac/Wellbutrin - ?CYP2D6 interaction | Long story short, I was well controlled on low dose Adderall (5mg IR 3x a day, for ADHD) only for years. Then I got pregnant, and I experienced perinatal/postpartum depression and anxiety. So, July 2022, I was started on prozac, which was increased and increased to 40mg. That wasn’t enough. So then, September 2022, I was placed on wellbutrin, which was increased to 200mg a day. Then, my adderall was increased and increased up to 60mg a day, because it was no longer effective, no matter what dose. I tried vyvanse 50mg and then 60mg– doesn’t work. I can literally take three 60mg vyvanse pills and it does nothing. Just makes me irritable and pick my skin nonstop if anything, but my focus on anything productive and motivation is shit.
Over the months, I have blamed everything on causing amphetamines to not work. I have tried everything – avoid vitamin C, high protein, drink water, sleep well, food or no food, etc. etc. I kept hoping things would get better… I told myself: After I give birth, it will get better. After 6 weeks pp, it will get better. After I stop breastfeeding, it will get better. After I get my mirena IUD out, it will get better. After I get my period, it will get better. After I change to vyvanse and/or try name brand adderall instead, it will get better. It has not gotten better with any of these solutions I thought were the culprit. I am losing hope and increasingly depressed, more than I ever was to begin with. I have belief that my anxiety and depression comes from untreated ADHD, and right now, my ADHD is very untreated, and my anxiety and depression are the worst they ever have been.
I have spent the past 12 hours reading everything I can on this and am still confused. What I am gathering, maybe, is that prozac is blocking the amphetamine from working in me, which is causing amphetamine toxicity. But I do not understand how its not working and causing toxicity at the same time. Can someone maybe explain what is going on?
I have been to my OBGYN, psychiatrist, PCP multiple times each explaining all of this. Everyone is like hmmm that is so odd.... hopefully it gets better. I am at my breaking point with this all as it has been a year now with no relief in sight.
TLDR: no amphetamine works. They used to work great. When I started prozac and then wellbutrin, that is when amphetamines stopped working. Can you help me understand why?
| 1 |
I don’t know how to have fun alone | Going outside is a fear for me because I have nothing to do and I juss look weird | 2 |
Wonder why I cant have what i deserve, even basic things like friends, love, apreciation, compassion and respect | Im turning 25 in 3 months and i still have not found people that apreciate me as i deserve and i cant help to wonder every day "just why".
Why am i kind, attentive, caring and compassion to everyone yet they dont give a damn thing back. No one writes me to check on me even once a month, no one invites me out yet they always say tons of things that im great guy and so...
It sucks.
Every day i wake up and see people that have: friends, love, job, social acceptance. And i dont. Many of these treat each other badly often. But i never did, if these people have all that, i just cant look and not wonder "im so nice to everyone and never did wrong, i always give my all so .."
"Why not me?" | 43 |
. | Im so done with everything | 1 |
Why does crying make me get yelled at? (19f) | I don’t know if this would make sense.
I’ve been having a hard time accepting myself and I’m very insecure. I’ve always struggle with my appearance. I’m not assertive and have a hard time standing up for myself so I usually get yelled at.
I was having a really hard time today and was visiting my grandma’s house with my parents. I was in one of their bedrooms just by myself not doing anything, on the bed, under the blanket. I was teary eyed but not crying. My mom then came and asked me what’s wrong and I told her I wasn’t ready to talk right now.
She started yelling at me asking what’s wrong, what’s wrong, why am I crying and pulling the blanket off of me and tell me that she would slap me if i didn’t answer her. She said I was an embarrassment etc. and then she left the room.
She came back and then started yelling at me again and kept on telling me would slap me again if I didn’t tell her.
I really hate yelling and that made me cry more which got her even more upset. She kept telling me how I’m a 19 year old and crying but what’s so wrong with that? I told her I wasn’t ready to speak as yet just leave me alone. And in response to her yelling I told her I wasn’t even doing anything, I wasn’t hurting anyone
I feel really alone, I just would rather disappear into the backrooms :( | 125 |
Why shouldn't I hurt myself? | I need to take responsibility for why my life sucks.
It's me, all me.
100% me.
Why am I underemployed? Me.
Why don't I have many friends? Me.
Why am I wasting my life on pointless things? Me.
Why am I single? Me.
So why shouldn't I take it out on the person responsible? | 17 |
I can't get out of bed | I've lost track at this point how many days it's been, but it's at least 4. All I do is lay in bed. I don't want to do anything else nor do I have energy to do so. I can't even sit up I need to lay down. I can't go out because I just hate myself so much, I don't want to see other people or other people to see me, I wish I was invisable. I feel like a prisoner in my own room. Nothing brings me joy anymore. I just sleep and lay and think. I don't know what to do to break out of this, I just feel drained. Please help me what do I do | 133 |
Hi | Hello.. I’m writing this with the smallest bits of strength I have sadly ✨ pls give me some advice
i have so much anxiety i do not talk even to my family which im supposed to be close to. this has given me self esteem and even more depression issues but the fact that im too scared to work is a problem, cuz then i hear like the beighbors doing sonething and then i want to do something, but im liwkey going insane and mute in the house and my parents are probably wondering why dont i talk to them, i am too nice to them now lol back then i wasnt when i had friends, now i feel like i have friends no one to share my thoughts to or anything so im going insane even writing this, it’s hard cuz i feel like im supposed to collect my memory from deep parts of my brain lol, i dont want to keep talking about depressing stuff but it’s all i know how to do, i need help. should i go to a mental facility again even though im scared shitless to go? Everyday my anxiety keeps getting worse, when I hear my brother talking I get mad. Also when I hear my dad or mom or neighbors. In the house it’s pretty quiet, so it doesn’t help that I get anxiety from it. But I can’t just leave? it’s all I know how to do and I want to leave so bad but I’m scared. Also I want to talk to my brother and it’s hard for me to talk to him like I’ll stand up and then sit back down and it’s a continuous thing of anxiety, everyday it’s like this. I’m going to college in fall so I’m scared that my anxiety will be all over the place since I have terrible anxiety from not talking to anyone or being scared to talk to them, pls help. I’ve always been sort of shy but now that I discovered my true self and have been my true personality to my family I feel like I’m gonna be scared to show my true self to ppl in college thus leaving me with no one to talk to and a big wave a depression and then I’ll kill my self like I always think of doing and then the cycle will keep going again. Did I forget to mention I withdrawed from the college two times lol💀 due to first burnout and bad grades and the second I dropped out cuz it’s a summer class but I need help I’m in my room rotting and I don’t want it to be like this haha. I should just go in my moms room and try to talk to her. | 2 |
My situation | I'm coming off Methadone I tapered from 140mg to 8mg in a year or so. I feel better now, very little in terms of wd, but just no energy, no drive. I got laid off a couple months ago and have not had the desire to apply for another job. I force myself to do pushups every other day and I go for walks, to limited positive effect. We're starved for money right now and my mom and stepdad have been on my ass, constantly, all the time, to get a job, b/c we need money.
I'm not sure what to do. My stepdad doesn't understand or care about addiction, my Mom says she gets it, but still hassles me for eating too much, even though I only eat when I'm hungry, and I tell her this. I smoke, and I can't afford smoking, and everyday wonder where my next pack of smokes will come from, like any other drug.
Due to all the stress, I took most of my Benzos (Luckily I'm down to such a low dose that I was only taking .125mg of Kpin and was about ready to jump off it) b/c of all the stress, and my Mom and Stepdad act like I'm the problem. I'm at the point where I don't want to harm myself, but I've been really jaded towards society, b/c society, government and the mental health sector don't make things easy, but neither does my family. I don't even talk to my dad anymore b/c he's a piece of shit.
Just curious, what is you guys' take on all this. I'm just feeling depressed today. I know it gets better, but when I'm in it, it feels like it'll never end. My Mom lets me live with her right now, so I feel I should be grateful. On the other hand, all she does is nags and pesters me in spite of what I tell her. I told her that I'm not above relapsing and she needs to be careful how much pressure she puts on me, but between her having the memory of a goldfish and my stepdad not giving a fuck, I honestly don't care about them, and it makes me feel alone. | 1 |
Everyone had such a wrong idea about who I am and they all hate me for what I’m not | It’s just getting too much some day not to kms bc everyone I know hates me for what I am not. And being honest gets me screamed at, called a liar, chastised. Nobody down here on earth loves me but only God does. That should be enough right? That God loves me. But for some reason I can’t feel like it’s enough, I need everyone yo hear my story, my traumas and BELIEVE me. Nobody believes me. | 2 |
I don't think I want to see my counselor anymore | They were busy for the past two weeks so we just did an email check in and for the most part I was doing okay. I feel like right now I just have a lot of issues on my plate and frankly I don't feel like talking to them in two days. I haven't been able to see a doctor like they wanted because of health insurance stuff that depends on other people, and I also hate lying about my suicidal thoughts. I either have to say it's just wishing to not exist and no plans of action, or not put it in my intake survey at all(to which they'll say that got better when irl it didn't..) also each time I have a meeting and it ends I just break down crying. And I feel exhausted. And I don't know if it's really helping.
I have no idea if I want to return to university (and if I don't I can't continue sessions) I don't know what I want to do in terms of career or major(and I don't want to waste my time, energy, or money by taking excessive credit hours I don't want).
Again I just feel like I have so many issues right now, and no actual help or solutions coming through? I'm really over it all, I'm over trying to express it and trying in general. It doesn't matter how much I express that the way I'm having to live is making me unhappy(amongst so many other things like feeling unsafe at the drop of a hat) nothing changes. Not even little things(like going out of town for friends hangout for less than 24 hours as a whole adult-) I seriously don't understand how anyone in my immediate family expects me to power through, or to turn out okay, or anything. I feel so fucked up and more so than them. I'm tired of this all. | 1 |
I can't seem to figure out what I want. | I was doing really good with my depression until November of 2022, and it all went downhill from there. I quit my sport, and I think i've lost all passion for everything in my life. It's gotten so bad, that i've resorted to googling "how to find a hobby" or "how to find my interest." Whenever I think about what i want, the only thought that comes to my mind is "to be left alone." I don't want to be left alone though, I want to be normal. I want to have the desire to hang out with friends, enjoy spending time with myself, and have an interest i'm passionate about. It seems like every time I come down from the high, the low of my depression gets worse each time. I want to tell my parents that I think I would benefit from being medicated, but the last time I was in therapy they refused it. They refused to admit me when I said I felt like a danger to myself even when I ended up in the hospital in 2020. I don't want to go back to try talk therapy because it doesn't work for me, I got better by myself. I've been researching the different types of antidepressants and I found one that can also help with my social anxiety, which is so debilitating that it prevents me from making and keeping friends. But it's just so embarrassing relying on my parents to get me the help I need, when all they do is make empty promises to the therapist and act like everything is fine when I'm not. I know it's not going to get better with talk therapy and I want to truly exhaust all of my options until there's nothing left. I've been living with this since 4th grade, and I was only diagnosed in 2020 I just want it to end. | 1 |
Are there any people who are like me? (20M) | I'm a 20 year old guy who's at university right now. I've struggled with low self esteem, depression, anxiety my entire life. I've had three short-lasting relationships all of which ended very badly and were pretty traumatising. I was bullied throughout high school (from 13 to 18) and still find the same dynamic of being picked on in all friendships I make now. I have three close friends who I know care about me, but I don't see them all too often. My social anxiety is through the roof, and now I am officially done. I don't want to face any more embarassment or feel any more shame for who I am. I want to be alone for the rest of my life and speak to absolutely no one. I am a complete loser and always have been. I am incapable of doing anything without help from my parents. I also struggle with addiction pretty badly and struggle to focus on my studies due to my intrusive thoughts and ADHD. I have given up and don't want to experience any more pain. I am tired of everyone laughing at me and judging me. I also struggle with severe IBS, so I barely even eat anything. How much longer can I experience the pain of my existence? I have everything, from parents who are still together, I'm fairly well off (upper middle class) and I have some good traits. But it never seems to be enough no matter how much I try and I just keep failing. I am tired. I am tired of living. I'm reaching out to on Reddit to see if there any other people like me that I can talk to, as I barely talk to anyone that I know in real life. | 1 |
Sometimes I wish I had a friend | A single friend who I could relate to. I'm just no longer someone who has any value to others. I've become withdrawn, disconnected and reclusive. I offer nothing in any kind of relationship. Not pleasant to be around because I'm so miserable and wrapped up in my problems. I really don't have a personality and feel like a blank slate of a human being. I'm destined to be alone and in pain for as long as I live. Even now I sit here in self-pity wallowing. Who wants to be around someone like that? | 2 |
My world is burning | My first relationship ended 7 months ago and I haven't spoken to my her since. Everyday has felt like a fever dream. Everything I worked for and everything that made me feel an ounce of security was destroyed in a blink of an eye. I don't understand how things could've gone this wrong. I can't help but to think this is just some big joke. How could she throw 5 years of us being together out the window so easily for someone at work she knew for a month? I feel humiliated and ashamed of how little she thought of me. She felt like a gift from God or something when we first started dating. We were seniors in high school and she pulled me out of a dark place. I decided to pay her back by being the best partner I could be. College came around and we ended up at separate schools. Unfortunately, I had to go to a community college to finish my general ed credits to transfer to her university. I had massive amounts of separation anxiety back then, and longed for her company. I knew that I had to get good grades to be able to be at the same school as her, and that's what I did. I worked with my anxiety and ended up on the president's list when I got my associate's.Then covid came around and despite my efforts I got rejected again from her school. I was devastated but I decided to set my sights on building a future with her. I had my dreams burned in my mind, us getting our first place together, my proposal, our wedding, our kids. It was something that took me out of bed every morning.I took the second best option and went to a satellite school of where she went that accepted me into their program. At the end of that long year, I realized that I wasn't the best version of myself I could give to her. I was lazy, fat, undisciplined, and emotionally weak. College was putting it's toll on me. I wanted to improve myself for her sake. And I was tried of being weak. I took a risk and enlisted in the Marine Corps, the hardest military branch, I could find.Fast forward 9 months, I went threw hell and back for her. I endured training and did everything I could to make it work. I came back and spend time with her in between moving to the next phase of the training pipeline and made every second count.But like out of a tragic play, she told me she was losing feelings for me over someone else at her work place when I was a month away from coming home for good. I came home and did everything I thought of to not leave. I gave it my all, but I guess it wasn't good enough. I didn't just lose my girlfriend, I lost my best friend, my future goals and dreams. I feel like a shell of the man of was. I'm disappointed in myself and scared of putting effort into things anymore. I miss her everyday since she parted ways.What am I suppose to do now? I tried talking to my friends and family but I realized that they just mock me and never really believe in my relationship. I'm trying to go on self improvement but everything I do feels like it takes all my strength. I'm talking to new people but I feel like I'm walking on eggshells. I know she has every right to leave but it just feels so unfair. What was all that work and effort for? I just her to comeback to me and apologize. I just want everything to go back to normal. | 7 |
Buspar making me depressed | Hello,
I have Major Depressive Disorder and Anxiety. I have been on Zoloft 100mg and Wellbutrin 300mg daily for the last few years. I felt my anxiety getting worse and having increased self harm thoughts. My psychiatrist added Buspar 10mg twice daily to the mix. I have now been on it for a month and I feel more depressed than ever. Every day I wonder how I am supposed to live a long life with this brain, it just seems impossible.
Has this happened to anyone else?
What helped?
Yes i am also going to talk with my psychiatrist. | 1 |
i give up. | already having a really bad day today. been failing treatment after treatment. i got set up for ketamine infusions starting next week, guess who just got a call about having to reschedule due to the nation wide shortage? they don’t have any idea when i can start now either. i give up. i’ve been at my breaking point for so long and now i’m just supposed to live with it? i can’t do this anymore | 1 |
... | you ever ..
you ever notice you self sigh so much that its a normal breathing thing
My energy is gone
Ive given up | 1 |
I got issues | I just wanna rant a bit to someone funnily enough. Even though I really hate just ranting without substance. But here we are. On the verge of slipping back into depression. It’s fucking hard to live with my problems. They just boost each other. You see I am a person that needs physical contact. I love cuddling and just spending time with people I like. But I am also socially incompetent and women fucking scare me even though I love them. I am just scared of emotions, relationships and love in general. I feel like that’s what I want most, yet my subconscious seems to fight back with all it has. I have been through a few abusive relationships. Being attacked where it hurts most isn’t nice and I just keep over sharing or not talking at all. It feels like I can’t make friends, or even have positive social interactions without me feeling like I wanna die afterwards. If someone just wants to talk a bit (no need for tips, but I’d like to try everything that helped you guys) just I dunno write a comment. I’m miserable and it just doesn’t get better at all. And drugs don’t help. I take some drugs but only very rarely and I try to keep it to only raving. It kinda works. With everything but weed because I just can’t deal with my emotions. It’s like I’m relapsing into my depression. | 1 |
why my body make me feel depressed for no reason? | While most of the time I realize that when my mind is sick then my body starts to hurt too, sometimes also happens the opposite: I feel emotionally “okay” but I start to feel physical sadness and to feel my body heavy and I can not understand why. Does this happen to you too? | 2 |
i cant kill myself because i can’t leave my dog | it’s been getting worse, but i feel like my dog would miss me too much if i leave him. i’m not the only one that takes care of him but i think he sees me as his best friend and i don’t want to take it away from him. no one pets him like i do, no one holds him close and takes care of his muddy paws like me. i can’t imagine him waiting by the door for me to come back and i never do. i think he’s the only thing really keeping me here. is this pathetic? should i really be so upset over the thought of leaving a dog? | 293 |
Can you be depressed , but not know it? | I've always considered myself to be in a pretty good spot with my mental health. But over the past few years I've noticed my anxiety is building up, and my motivation and ambition is going down. I've always viewed depression as isolating yourself, and not being able to get out of bed.
I'm the opposite, I'm always on the go, I can't relax and I can't stay in bed. Every time I 'commit' to taking a me day, I cannot for the life of me, to just stay in bed and watch movies. I always end up getting up to do something. Because if I don't I feel like a lazy, POS, failure. I'm exhausted and just coasting thru life. My BF and I went fishing this weekend, one of our shared and loved past times. And I was bored. I was done after an hour.
I've been doing some research and I find I relate to a lot of the symptoms. So I'm wondering if depression can show on different ways? Or maybe I'm just burnt out. I've just felt lost for a long time now | 1 |
26 F won't respond if you are creepy. | Looking for friends who might understand what it's like
. | 2 |
ready to off myself tbh | im about to off myself anyday now ~ help? | 2 |
I'm a massive disappointment | TL;DR: Useless, lazy, anxiety ridden and depressed lad who has achieved nothing and likely never will. Think I was only born because one of my older brothers died before I was born, so was born to fill the gap. Heavy substance abuse in hopes of being happy because therapy and meds does nothing really.
Well as the title states that's just what I am. I'm 22, not really accomplished a whole lot and don't seem to have any ambitions in life.
Most of my life I've just been this shy quiet kid and thus never had much friends and the friends that I do have I constantly think about how they probably hate me for being such a depressing person and just look down on me for being so useless, they have gotten proper work experience went into good fields of study like programming, engineering etc, have been in relationships and kept themselves in good shape and mentally sound.
Then there's me a lazy piece of shit who has tried to get in shape but seems to be getting fatter again recently, never been in a relationship ever, done literally no work because of severe anxiety of failing and feeling like a dumbass for not being in a really impressive field (I'm studying history and classical studies with English).
I feel really bad for my parents, there is myself and my brother. Had another brother but he passed away before I was born, this I really do think I was had to try and ease the pain of losing a child. Anyway my older sibling transitioned from my sister to brother and my parents aren't anti-lgbt but they worry for them. Them there's me just a useless fucker and I just feel bad that my parents are stuck with me, if my other brother was still alive I likely wouldn't be here and the world would likely be better for it.
Just wasting money being on antidepressants and going to therapy because I don't think it works massively for me. Things I have been doing to help myself as been substance abuse like heavy drinking or smoking weed and at times cocaine. Anything to remove thinking or just give me energy because I always feel tired. Just really sad for my parents to have to have a son like myself, I'd kill myself to remove the burden of having to live with me but I think even with how useless I am I don't think they could handle another dead kid. | 1 |
The bottle of pills is calling my name | Basically what the title says. I’m thinking about oding. The only thing stopping me is that I’m afraid of what death would feel like, and what happens after I die. Especially since I’d be alone. If I didn’t have any anxiety about death, I would’ve been gone for a while now. I’m so done with being alive. I’ve been hearing “it gets better” since middle school. I’m almost 21 now, and it honestly just gets worse. For me at least. Thankfully I don’t really have friends or family to miss me. I will not be a big loss. I won’t be dying today or tomorrow, probably not the next day either. But I hope I can work up the courage soon, because I don’t want life anymore. I hope my upcoming birthday is my last. I think that’ll be my wish when I blow out the candles on my cake next month. | 3 |
How can one cope with this meaninglessness of life? | I am unable to find joy in activities that I once enjoyed. I consistently feel that life lacks meaning. At the end of each month, after paying all my bills and loans, I am left with barely enough money to cover basic needs such as food and fuel. What is the purpose of this endless cycle? I find myself working in a job I dislike, receiving a salary that does not truly compensate for my efforts. I haven't received a pay raise in years, and despite my efforts to secure a new job, I never receive any responses after submitting my resume. Life feels frustrating, and I struggle to find any meaning in it all. | 4 |
Depressed despite having it all | I have what was once my dream life. I never would’ve imagined I would attend the graduate school that I do, or have the job that I do, or be dating the person that I am. My family is well. I have lots of friends. I have all of the resources I need and more.
I am also so depressed that I choke back tears from the moment that I wake up all throughout the day until I use one of several awful coping mechanisms to comfort myself in the evenings and finally go to sleep. I cry in the bathroom at work nearly every day. Cry in the evening most evenings. A physical sense of dread and panic is always with me (constant adrenaline rush and the feeling of a hand clasped around my throat). I truly hate myself and am unable to cope with even small everyday stressors, everything tips me over the edge.
I know that I am dealing with residual anxiety from worst case scenarios coming true in the past (a blackmailing and restraining order situation after meeting a guy online when I was in college for example). I never feel that I can dismiss a worst case scenario situation as unlikely. My feeling of of genuine and intense self hatred has followed me since I was a bullied teenager at a prep school — comments that I was the ugliest girl in school, or that anyone would be embarrassed to be seen with me, deep-cutting insults about every part of my face and body. The feeling that there was a mutual understanding between myself and everybody else that I was beneath them, that I must be embarrassed to live in my skin, that I didn’t really “count” as a person and especially not as a girl (I’m a female, but I was treated more as an “it”, as toilet paper hanging off of someone’s shoe to be ignored, grossed out by, or made fun of) has NEVER left me.
I’m exhausted and I know that being in a depressive hole will cause me to lose what I have, but I can’t get out. Every morning waking up it feels like realizing oh, my leg’s still broken, but instead my brain is still broken. My friendships will fade as I continue to avoid contact with others as much as I can. My relationship will collapse (again) when the level at which I’m struggling eventually comes to light. Coping mechanisms may even start to interfere with work or school (again).
The only relief I’ve had in recent memory is taking klonopin (a benzodiazepine) for around a year. When my doctor left our health center, her replacement stripped me of my prescription (reason has never been articulated besides her not feeling that I’m truly in need, but if living in constant emotional agony and panic isn’t need I don’t know what the fuck she wants to hear) and has been bouncing me around different blood pressure medications to relieve my physical symptoms without providing any emotional relief that I desperately need to live a normal life at this point.
Advice greatly appreciated although not expecting anyone to respond. | 1 |
Scared of going back on meds | I tried and took several antidepressants on/off over a 5-6 year span. Prozac, Lexapro, Zoloft, Wellbutrin, Cymbalta, at varying times. I had problems with antidepressants and often didn’t feel well on them. My mental health has deteriorated extremely over that 5 year span. Depression seemed to just get worse and worse.
Now I’m unrecognizable to myself. Im not sad but I can tell my depression is terrible. I’m incredibly numb. I don’t feel Alive. I have aches and pains and headaches. I have health anxiety. But after everything I’ve been though, I’m hesitant to take medication again. Sometimes I feel the medication is what made my mental health worsen. But if my depression gets any worse, I may have to start again.
Not sure if I’ll ever feel normal again. Hopefully I recover one day, but my it doesn’t feel like I ever will. And the weird part is that I don’t feel sad. I just feel numb and unwell. I eat health, excercise, and do my best to take care of myself, but I feel like there’s not much left to me anymore, like I’m slowly fading away. It just doesn’t feel like there’s much left to me anymore.
Over the years, I’ve gotten so so much support and care and sympathy from family and friends. Just incredible amount of support. And I feel bad because I haven’t really made any progress in 5+ years.
Idk what to do.
I remember a time when I was a healthy and functional human. there were times when I felt curious and productive and alive. But that was a long time ago. I don’t know how I ended up like I am today. I’m 28 years old. From 23-28 my depression has just gotten worse.
Anyone else worry about antidepressants? Like holy moly. Does the brain really go back to normal after stopping them ? Are the meds really helping over the long run or just making us more dependent on them ? Idk. The shit I’ve experienced on these meds is a trip. But I’m not functional right now. So I might have to get back on them. | 20 |
Why can't the universe just leave me alone? | I'm already miserable. My life is already a complete waste. No one likes me. I never get anything that I want. And yet the universe still feels like constantly piling more things to my never-ending list of misery. If I'm not allowed to be happy, then just let me be. It's like the universe just wants me in a constant state of pain. I'm being tortured for no reason and I don't understand why. | 5 |
I feel so fucking empty | I want to sleep forever. Fuck men. I can’t try trust anyone. They use me and I use them. Love doesn’t exist. I’m just as bad. I wish I was dead. | 44 |
11 months sober blues | Hey everyone…i am curious if anyone else has had this experience and struggle, some hope or advice would be appreciated as I have been inbetween suicidal/relapse mode lately…a little bit about me - 30 years old had problems with addiction the last 12 years, and been around recovery for about 10 years…had sober time off and on, but have been too skeptical/moody/inconsistent (bi polar/depression) to stick with anything long term. For instance, I’ll pray for about two weeks then I’ll just kind of stop, I’ll brush my teeth for a month then I’ll have a hard time doing it..go to meetings then stop etc etc…be obsessed with the same song for 2 weeks then move on…same with everything in my life, I’m always on to the next thing or obsession and have a hard time doing or paying attention to things outside of it…super skeptical/cynical about everything in general…so I have 11 months clean from drugs (nicotine included). My motivation for getting clean in the first place is health related, and I have a goal to have relationships and a life
And to work through self resentment and trauma…the problem for me is I just don’t find enjoyment in being around people or from life in general and as said before can’t consistently motivate myself to be around people enough and go to or be present for my trauma therapy to get the results…I used to enjoy having friends and now I can’t get excited for it…I would much rather be alone getting high than spending time with friends or family, and it’s not even close…so lately all this has been on my mind during an especially depressive episode…if I can’t enjoy people or life and I can’t stay consistent enough to do the work required to even have a shot, then what’s the point in being sober, what’s the point in being in pain everyday? Has anybody here triumphed over this kind of thing? Thanks | 1 |
Looking for a therapist is exhausting. | I'm trying to find a new therapist to deal with my depression and the process alone is so draining.
First of all, I found out you can message therapists through psychology today, which means no more crying into an answering machine for a stranger to maybe call me back. So at least there's that.
But damn. Met with somebody this morning - not a good fit. First hour of my week dedicated to a conversation I have to pay for with a person I don't want to talk to again. And spending an hour rehashing all my reasons for being depressed didn't exactly leave me feeling like I can head out and take on the world.
I have to do this three more times over the next week. Time off work (online meetings, thankfully), I tell the same stupid stories, try to figure out why the hell I even think I can tell a "good" therapist from a "bad" one anyway, gotta pay all the copays (because mental health should be a financial burden, it's the American way), and then maybe in a couple weeks they can start helping me claw my way out of a black hole.
But I'm fucking doing it anyway. Dammit. | 1 |
Im a Fucking loser | Im such a fucking loser, usually I enjoy life and everything is good but I always tell my self lies.
I'm the expect opposite of what I want to be Im a introvert I'm fat I'm small and I'm good at nothing, I always tell myself that it's not like that but it is
I purposely measure my height wrong and just tell myself I'm tall but my back just isn't straight. I always tell my friends how I could beat up everybody even tho I never trained and after just going up the stairs my pulse is on 180 and Im bathed in sweat, I skipped school for a few months because I was to introverted to go there.
I tell myself I'm super intelligent because I made a online iq test wich cost money so I just made up the result.
I'm a nobody, nobody knows me, everyday I'm inside playing video games all day but I fucking sucj at those too after playing 30000 hours I'm not good in 1 single game.
I'm stupid, I worked so hard in school but still only got very poor grates that for 4 years I I barely made it to the next year because I got one last chance to write a test in holidays or because of covid I couldn't fail class no matter what, now I finally fucked up and I failed class, I don't have a future I'm not gonna have a good job or a house nobody's ever gonna look up on me.
I used to be funny at least but I'm not anymore.
I don't know enything even tho I am really interested in history and politics.
Because of my genes I'm probably going to have grey hair with 30 and loose them with 50.
There is not 1 single thing im proud of in my life and there is no reason why anyone ever would like to have my life and I don't thing I can improve from where I am because I'm not motivated to do anything but die and even when I get up and try to better myself I never do it, I always give up and virtual trophies and outfits are more worth to me than my health or future. | 0 |
I feel so alone and abandoned | I really miss my best friend every single day. Everytime I wanna make another connection like I had with him, I just get ghosted, grossed out or just overall waste my time. You can't replace 6 years of the ups and down of someone being there for you no matter what.
My famliy has been dealing with their own drama and issues. They never came to the birth of my first child and I know that's a mix of their own selfishness and poor planing. My narcissistic mother continues to play the victim card, my sister continues to be overwhelmly suffocating and my father will just drink himself to death dealing with all of it.
I guess, I will just focus on what's important right now, Even though I wish i didn't feel so abandoned by my family and have some type of connection with someone I can trust. | 2 |
Feeling anger over someone tearing me down over their own insecurities | When I was in middle school and high school there was this asshole who would always insult me and call me ugly. Nothing about my character, he never knew me as a person anyway, nothing about anything I ever said or did, just the reoccurring theme ugly. He also would dedicate time in class to drawing pictures of me or taking photos of me and editing them to make me look awful. All those years I considered myself an ugly person, I would look in the mirror with sadness and disgust at my reflection, yearning to be someone else.
Since high school I have begun lifting weights for exercise (and self-esteem) and since then I've come to realize something about myself. I'm happy with my appearance, on my body as well, but more realizing how happy I am with my face. Not only that, but since high school after having some conversations with girls I once knew, I am rehearing the line, "I used to have such a huge crush on you in high school!" Then it hit me, I was never ugly, what I saw in the mirror was a reflection of my emotional state in high school.
It was then I saw more clearly an emotional state largely influenced by what someone said about me, to me, *constantly.* And then further realizations. Why was this person so obsessed with my appearance they had to mention it whenever it bore them notice? Then I realized, that this person was unhappy with their own appearance which is why they made a show of how, "ugly" I am (whatever that even means, I've concluded beauty is in the eye of the beholder) as a means to cope with his own insecurities which is why he is addicted to going to the gym and abusing steroids to feed his fragile ego and, as a reflection of his own inner self, looking like a giant mutant. (I know I said beauty is in the eye of the beholder earlier and I stand by that, when I see him online, he is an unnatural looking giant constantly taking gym photos and showing a gross abuse of the human body pushed to unnatural areas to compensate for his own poor self-image.)
I'm glad to be happy with my appearance now but also, I'm experiencing anger that the person who lumped all that self-hatred on to me was likely just projecting his own problems, all that wasted time hating myself when I could have been so much happier. | 2 |
It’s back again.. | First message in, so apologies if there’s too much.
I used to take Citalopram and came off, at some point. (Can’t remember in honesty)
A friend just told me about coming off then is like a very slow decline, and you know what he’s right.
However I’ve had a real had a hard time at work recently. Only got half of my bonus (so did everyone else. But there are more factors are coming to the surface, and it’s like the straw on the camels back.
That annoying little chattering noise is back and just won’t shut the fuck up!
Everything from money, to lists of things to do, work work work and it’s having an effect on me now. To the point where I am making stupid and timely mistakes, to rectify them.
My job pressure has got increased a lot more this past year, as we have a newer product and it’s challenging. So I’m now supporting two and that’s fine, but there colleagues in my team that don’t. This adds pressure and it’s always bad news with who I’m supporting and is really starting to grind me down.
Atm all I want to do is just lay on my sofa and just let voices run wild, until they tore themselves out.
I used to drink at times like this, but I know not to do that now.
I’ve got a meeting with my manager tomorrow, because this is taking a toll.
Any help/guidance? | 1 |
I can't keep my addictions/depression from affecting others | I admit that my depression/addictions is my fault. I have people who love me and are there for me. I work for my fathers company.I don't enjoy anything anymore. I am trying to imagine a "good life", but that "good life" seems like so much hell to get to. Not only that, but I can't understand what enjoyment someone would get from the "simple things" I keep hearing about. I'm sorry if exercise and hikes and riding bikes don't seem fun to me. They just wont give me the dopamine i could get from staying home and masterbating all day. I'm in a dark place and have been for years. However, that doesn't give me enough dopamine. I hate hanging with friends and family because I can't get enough dopamine. I can't see a life without the addictions that give me dopamine, and i cannot continue to live life with addictions. I want to be dead already but I don't want to do that to the people around me. I don't know what to do at all. I can't kill myself because they don't deserve that, but I can't keep living. I feel like I'm waiting on them to tell me it's okay that they'll be fine without me. | 1 |
Time waits for no one | I can no longer enjoy anything. It feels like everything is just a distraction from what I should be doing. I should be getting a job and working and going to school. Instead I'm paralyzed by my intense social anxiety, depression, hyperhidrosis and overwhelming self-doubt and self-hatred. Lately everything seems like a waste of time. Playing a game is just furthering me from my goals and wasting the limited amount of time I have on this earth. Inching me closer to death without any real accomplishment. Watching a show to escape my depression is the same. Nothing is working. Treatment is going nowhere. I want out. | 40 |
No love | I've decided if I can't find love by 30 y/o im done with life. Im already 24 so im not giving myself a lot of time, but fuck it. One long relationship that I gave my all to ended in ruin and im afraid the rumors she spread about me are unrecoverablei feel like everyone i meet has seen something she said and I can't take it much longer. I just want someone to give my love to. I have so much love in my heart and soul but I can't express it and it kills me. I may be better off dead but I want to see if there's some possibility of finding love in life in this world, but it seems impossible. Everyone I meet tells me to be a harder more intimidating man because that's what girls want but that's just not me. I've been raised to be caring, loving and kind but that's not what women want anymore. They want a hard man who's had a hard life but again, that's not me. I'm a simple man with simple wants but there's no place for people like me anymore. I'll fulfill my contractual obligations to my work but once that's done I'm pulling the trigger. May the world be more kind to you than it has been to me. | 3 |
Another day being on my phone all day at home with no motivation for literally anything and feeling nothing | I hate it I want friends and I want a life but it feels impossible and feels like I won’t even enjoy it even if I had friends. I just fucking hate all of this I see everyone else happy living life and I just feel nothing | 4 |
Simply existing with no motivation to live | Life is hard. Been battling depression most of my life. It’s deepened over the years with the the past five years being the worst - during which I realized I’m not motivated to live life.
Everyone around me has something recharging them such as family, friends, hobbies, work, other activities and they seem so normal. Unlike them, I’ve lost whatever motivators I had to live life. I go to work because I can’t afford not to and nothing else. When I think I’ve found something invigorating, I lose it. For instance, I’m taking care of someone but it’s temporary. My job responsibilities increased but I learned it’s a farce and I’m being taken advantage of.
I’ve barely any energy. My memory and concentration has taken a major hit. Hobbies are nonexistent because I’ve no feeling or passion to do them. Only thing I can think of doing is simply existing. Is anyone else feeling the same? Like there’s nothing else to look forward to and it’s just a waiting game? Is there a name for it and a way to manage? | 17 |
Subsets and Splits