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1 | 0 | 0 | 1 | 1 | 19 | it is wednesday. I can't wait until friday because I am going home to see brandon. I miss him so much. I can't wait to see him. two more days. this has been a very long two weeks. time passes very slowly here. I have a lot of free time on my hands when I am not in class. class. psychology class. psychology is fun so far. it really interests me, and prof. pennebaker is funny. chapter two sort of scared me though. how am I going to remember all of those terms. I didn't even finish reading it because I didn't understand it. but I should have becasue matt said that it was interesting. he was telling me about how they cut some part of a cat's brain out in an experiment. that is weird. the poor cat. matt is weird too. I always wonder if he likes me. he can be so mean when other people are around but so nice when it is just the two of us. I did feel pretty uncomfortable around him today in class. it was weird to sit right next to him. those seats are so close. I wish christina was not dropping psychology. I need her. I was so excited that we would have a class together. I feel like she ditched me. I guess I will get used to that because she is an architect. oooo. I guess I am a little jealous because she will have all of her architect friends, and who will I have? hmmm. also architecture sounds so much smarter than education or communication. communication. if I even get in. how am I ever going to get an appopintment with that leslie thomas? she will never call me back. I will just go tomorrow morning and wait until she is free like mc told me. and bring a book. and sit and wait. I will feel so dumb. why am I so nervous about talking to her? why am I nervous about typing this? I don't want to be in philosophy. it is too hard. I am not smart enough. I don't know. I wonder if that was really tobin I saw today in psychology. it looked like him. as much as I remember him. that is so weird. why do I keep thinking about him. I only talked to him once. I will probably never see him again. I don't know if I will even go to philosophy tomorrow. I want to see him again. why do I want to see him again? that is weird. I feel guilty for thinking aabout another guy. what about brandon? I still like brandon. love him. I miss him. I want to see him. I don't want anyone else but him. I wish he was here with me. then I would not feel so alone. alone. junior senior freshman. I am a freshman. it is so obvious. why? because I look young? becasue I look scared? like I don't know where I am where I am going what I am doing. that I don't belong. I don't belong. it will take time. this is like high school but worse but better. I was so scared freshman year in high school. I hated lamar. but I didn' want to go anywhere else. brandon. I wish we went to the same high school. that would be cool. every time I see a couple I think of him. I miss him. I am so pathertic. alden. was he right? he made me so mad. he can be so rude. why are we friends? he can be nice. he is older. smarter. meaner. mean. hmmm how much time left time time time. passes slowly when you think about it. I should nopt think about it. I have a whole year here without brandon. this dorm. it smells. our bathroom smells. the cafeteria smells. my eye hurts I wnat to take my contacts out I don't want to meet guys with gina and erin. what is there obsession. I think about it too much. so do they. when you think aobut it nothing happens. when you don't something does. I think aobut not thinking about it. fate destiny. GOD. I wish I was a better person. I wish that I had a better relationship with God. I wish that I was happier. I wish I was a little buit taller. that is a stupid song. just like that money on my mind song that reminds me of jimmy moore. I hate him. | 774 |
1 | 1 | 1 | 0 | 1 | 29 | wow, I want to go talk to the socialist organization they have a booth out on the west mall, but I am scared. I called them a long time ago. do they remember? I was supposed to go to that march but I didn't I hope they don't remember me-as not showing up-Ill go in a little while. I hope the toadies don't open up for rage on Saturday, the toadies don't deserve to open up for a band like rage-rage has energy and pizzazz. the toadies suck, they're okay. i dunno, that boy looks like Andy, I don't know what to write, I am trying to write whatever pops into my head first, I wonder what they're gonna do with this I thought he was sam, I look around at people a lot, I wonder what people think o f me when they see me, I think I am pretty thin, but I have a poofy stomach. liposuction would be great, what am I gonna say when I go up to the socialists? hello? I am ericka, I called one of you before--was it you? no no no --I just have to be calm, why am I so nervous? my stomach is tying up in knots. breath in , gosh that's so lame that the wu tang clan cancelled, they suck, why did they do that, I wanted to see the, live- then I could say Ive seen them, Ive seen rage, Stanford prison experiment, mighty mighty bosstones, pietasters, h2o, cherry poppin daddies, miss xana don't and the whatevers, less than jake, discount, frenzal rhomb, the impossibles. I have probably seen others, but I dunno, I like shows, Kim goes to all the ones I go to but I haven't even met her in person yet, only on the computer, how weird the computer brings people together, maybe Ill write her tomorrow, or today, I don't have much time lately, I am sleepy, I want to hang out with people, especially boys, they are my friends more than girls although I am one, we get naked in front of each other, we spit, burp, fart, we are comfortable or at least I am, I wonder if they look at me like one of them, well I guess so, if we do those sorts of things. I am pretty much a boy, sometimes I wish I was, but I like being a girl, no not when it's time to bleed, but see, I can have a baby, and do other things they can't, I love boys, I love Andy, gosh I wish he was here so I could take him down to the socialist table with me I think he knows them, I hope they don't leave, I am going to go when I finish this typing thingy, I can type pretty fast, she looked like Chris, why hasn't she called me, is she in Dallas? I hope Matt didn't leave he probably did, I had a dream he left, I bet he left, he didn't say bye, I hope he emails me, I hope he doesn't forget me, I hope he has fun in merry old England the princess' funeral is on Saturday, I am glad it's on TV. how sad that was, those freak photographers killed her. paparazzi assassins, he is nevermind. cramps hurt my body bad, but only recently, I wonder why---I never got them before. I am just unlucky what an unlucky girl am I --three more minutes of this, my fingers are getting tired next I will get on the list serve for my juvenile delinquency class, then I will talk to the socialists I hope my breath isn't bad I have chicken breath, but I was in a hurry after lunch. no time no time for picking my butt just do it I hope they're still there when I go down, if they aren't I dunno, I hope Jaime likes me, I kinda like him. I hope I have been writing long enough I think so adios | 178 |
1 | 0 | 1 | 1 | 0 | 22 | I wish polygamy was still legal. Well, not polygamy, but i wish i could take more than one girl to texas OU weekend. i have like 4 or 5 girls that i would enjoy taking,k and who are all expecting me to take them, but no matter what i do, i am going to piss like 4 girls off. It kind of sucks. I am glad that i can at least take one date, but it is a complicated matter when it comes to toying with peoples, especially girl's emotions. I think i have pretty much decided on who i am going to ask, but i heard that she has a boyfriend, so im not sure about it any more. While this kind of makes me angry, i guess it helps me out in deciding who i am going to ask. I don't even know, there is a girl who lives down the hall from me, and is actually in this class. I am sure it will all work out anyway. I guess when it comes down to it i am lucky to even be here. ( at UT ). A subject that occupies my mind a lot of the time is what happened to me this summer. Basically i went out to fraternity rush party, had way to much to drink. I wish to God someone had been there to take away my keys, but no one was, and i got in my car, drove the wrong way and ended up putting my car into a lake. When i say putting, i mean a 30mph plunge down a boat ramp. I realize that i have almost died and i have spent many hours dwelling on what happend, what could have happened, and thank God, where i am now. The only real problem is how i live now. Any other person would have sworn off drinking for good, but i continue to do it, even though i told my parents i wouldn't. This makes me feel guilty, and upset. I don't really know what im going to do about the whole situation, but i am determined to make my parents realize that i am as responsible as ever, and not to disappoint them. I miss my dog like crazy, which is weird, cause i don't really miss my parents that much. I guess its because i can talk to my parents, but i can't call my dog and see how hes doing. I wish i could have my dog here with me, cause he really is my best friend. I love dogs, they never smart off to you, and they don't stay mad at you. I love college life, fraternity life, and everything else, i just hope that i don't get too bogged down with partying, and stuff, that ill be to busy to study and do well. | 1,881 |
1 | 0 | 1 | 0 | 0 | 20 | Well, lets see . . . I guess the foremost thing I have on my mind is moderate confusion about what exactly I'm supposed to be writing about. I guess that doubt and lack of confidence about what I'm suppose to be doing is a part of my thoughts and what not and thus is appropriate to write about. Hehe, now I feel confident and more sure of this whole writing assignment. Wow, how quickly my entire psychological outlook can turn 180 degrees. What else? Im not hungry or anything, not really tired tomorrow. Im a little worried about whether Im going to be awake enough to pay attention in my 8 o'clock class tomorrow. I'm also a little preoccupied by something someone said to me today, labeling me as too quite and inaggressive in committing myself to just about everything. I guess they might be right, I am a little hesistant to get involved in anything I think might not work out or turn out as I expect. I was thinking about rushing for a couple of frats, but then I realized I didnt even know what they were about. I was caught up in the promise of brotherhood and having fun and being a part of something special, but then I realized I didnt know what I was getting in to and that I might not be able to get out if I changed my mind. Thus, I decided not to rush, perhaps because of the fear of commitment and unfulfilled expectations that someone stated dictates most of my actions, or perhaps because I had a valid thought in suspecting I really don't know much about what precisely the fraternity actually did or stood for, who knows? What else am I thinkin about? How about how much longer Im suppose to be writing for. I've been writing nine minutes and I havent really noticed. This assignment isnt as bad as I thought it would be and is actually kind of nice. Almost like a diary of my thoughts; definately good for venting. Man, I sure hope this is what I'm suppose to be doing. I hope I didnt entirely miss the purpose of this assignment and not ger credit. I mean, Im writing about my thoughts and stuff, which seems to deal with Psychology and the human mind, so I think Im doing good here, but Im really not sure. Man, I'm getting a little behind in my reading. A lot of the lectures in many of my classes seem to cover the text exactly so Im a little unmotivated to read. I know I should and I know there is some extra information in the book, but really Im just lazy or something. To be honest, Im unsure of what I need to do to succeed in college. I've yet to take a test or quiz so I don't really know what the deal is. I know it is suppose to be harder than high school, or so many people tell me, but then again some people tell me its about the same as high school but with more reading. I don't know . . . . I know I should prolly be more focused on my studies but Im really cocky when it comes to academics. I know the University of Texas is a fine school with many intelligent students, but I still feel Im more capable than just about every one of them. I guess its part cockiness and part confidence. I don't think my attitude about the matter will be altered until I take my first test and totally mess it up. But if I just coast and do fine on the test, Ill keep on coasting. I mean, I pay pretty good attention in my classes and remember a lot, so I think I'll be okay. Ouch, someone just snuck up on me and smacked me. Can't they see Im trying to do my assignment? How inconsiderate. I guess I would probably do the same. Notbody wants to hear that someone else is busy studying and doesn't have time to do anything even though all of us at some time or another must do the same and decline some invitation to some undoubtedly riveting event or activity in order to tend to less exhilirating, more educational ventures. Hey, only one minute left . . . maybe not, hehe, maybe I can still have some fun. Man, this writing assignment was tyte. It flew by in no time. Actually, I think I feel better now then I did before I started. How cool, if anyone ever read this, these writing assignments rock! | 1,563 |
0 | 1 | 0 | 1 | 1 | 11 | College? I wonder how it will be? I just started it. It seems so nice and easy going as of yet, but I wonder is it something I will enjoy and cherish for the rest of my life. This is my first time living away from home and the ones I love and care about it. I feel the necessity to show to my peers that I'm not scared and do not miss home. But in fact i miss my home and my sister who I fought with all times. I don't know why I feel that it is important to show to others that i'am not home sick. I can't understand that part of my mind. Is it because I want to fit in the croud? Is it because I want to show others that I'm strong? On the other hand - I love what I have been experiencing for the past week. I have experienced things I have never before. I never had to do mylaundry myself and now I do that and I find that I like doing it. I have to go to eat myself. At home the plate was always on the dinner. I feel as if I was spoiled at home and that I was given too much. Here I realize that doing things for yourself can be as much as fun when people do things for you. And that to be self-reliant does have its advantages. I have learnt to handle things on my own. At home, if i met someone I didnt like, it was as if I ignored them but here I realized that it is difficult to ignore 55000 other students and that you have to adjust and compromise so that you are not the one that is ignored by others . So far I can say that college has taught me more than I thought it would. College is not the only thing on my mind. I think about my life as a hole-like how will it turn out? How will I manage to survive financially? If I will make a good living in the future? I question myself why I think so much about the future and so little about the present. I give undue importance to the future and not to the present. My thinking aobut the future helps me ruin my present. Things done turn out the way i want them to. I end up sacrifcing every moment that could have been precious over things that i cannot make precious or things i can't control. But thinking about the future does not take my mind off my past. I question myself if I really do believe in God. My faith in him is torn apart each time a tradegy happens in my life. Losing my grandfather was a big tradegy for me but I coped and realized that he was old and it was his time to go. But when I lost when my father, I really started to think if there was a almighty god since he took away the person I was dependent on emotionally, physically and financially. I decided to look on the positive aspect of life and decided that my mother was still here and so god was not so cruel. But when i lost her at the age of 13, I thought forget God. He doesnt exist. However looking at people who are religious and have faith in god, get everything in life, is making me question of my faith in God. I wonder if he can make miracles happen in my life too? I used to always think about eating food. But since the past year that it had changed. But i'm back to the way i was. I wonder if I'm a emotional eater? When i was depressed in life, i always resorted to eating. However when things improved i stopped eating and now that i'm sad again, i continue to think about eating. I would love to visit a shrink to get to know if I'm a emotional eater. | 1,594 |
1 | 1 | 1 | 0 | 0 | 28 | I have so much reading to do. It seems in all of my classes the professors are overwhelming us with material. But I guess that is to be expected in college, or at least that's what they told us. But I will persevere. I did have above a 100 GPA in high school. So this shouldn't be too hard. But I have to maintain a 4. 0 to please myself. That's attainable too, though. I know myself good enough to know that I will put everything else aside if my grades start to slip. Like last night, I really didn't want to stay in, but I had to catch up on a lot of things. Yep, I'll definitely maintain. No problem. Bye, bye, bye. Man, I hate that song. I wish stupid songs wouldn't get stuck in my head. I've always wondered about the stars. I think it would be the ultimate thing to impress a girl if you took her on a picnic and could lay and look at the stars and point out all the constellations. Hey, then maybe I should take Astrology for my science. After all, I do need two semesters of a science to graduate Business Honors. But I heard that that class was semidifficult, and I need an easy A in my science class. It can't be that bad though. I mean, after all, how hard can looking at the stars be. But in all sciences, they find ways to talk about stuff that I wouldn't have ever imagined could be taught about. Dang, I hate science. All sciences. Well, I guess social sciences aren't that bad. But those aren't really sciences. Just the basic ones bio, chem. , physics, yeah, can't stand those. All right, only ten minutes left. I would have guessed that in ten minutes I would have thought about more stuff. Guess not. What is time? I mean, it is time to us, but why should the universe revolve around humans. I'm sure there are other beings somewhere out there, but we don't have proof. There were those circles in the wheat fields somewhere, but that's not proof. Just some stupid Iowan rednecks trying to get publicity. Just like that kid who is now charging Bobby Knight with abuse. That's so stupid. Just a publicity stunt. It is so apparent to everyone that he didn't do anything wrong. He may have been a little stern in the manner he addressed the kid, but that is nothing that should be brought to the forefront like this. Stupid. I can't wait until college basketball starts, that is the best time of year. Although I go to UT now, I will always be a Duke basketball fan. I have been since I can remember. That's not bad is it? Nah. I enjoy college football, but it just isn't the same to me. I guess it's because college basketball has more action, and because the kids actually care. Not like the NBA. All of them are lazy and just worried about the money, whereas the NCAA the kids play for the name on the front of the jersey, not the back. But I guess there are some players who don't do that. Oh well, I don't care. Bye, bye, bye. Dang, stop it. I need to hook up with a girl tonight. I've been here too long not to have yet. It really gets me how people can have random sex. I'm quite proud to be a virgin, and I will be until I get married. And I know that God will keep me strong. Like my roommate. I just don't understand. Bye, bye, bye. All right. This thing is finally over. One less thing I have to worry about. | 1,241 |
1 | 0 | 0 | 1 | 0 | 18 | I am thinking about how to write this paper. I can't think of what to write. Jessica is putting papers in her notebook I am typing the ring around te logo is blue. the ring around the logo is blue. someone just entered I would rather be playing music. Andrew says goodnight 1 minute 58 seconds. I'm sort of hungry. I think writing this makes me more hungry. I have so much homework to do and other responsibilities. I wish I had no responsibility at this point in time. I'm worried about psychology because the content seems too easy to take a test on, suggesting I'm understanding the full realm of the content or the full realm of my responsibilities in this class although philosophy is worse. I cannot imagine being tested over anything in that class. Astronomy is just about the most difficult class I've ever taken because it's pure physics and not really learning about the general properties of celestial bodies. I've got a block. I need to write more songs, I haven't been able to write fully in over a year. but I could never be nearly as good as the Pixies so it seems frivolous to even try. water I'm beginning to drift off. I really need to do my homework more often I have way too much. I need a cellphone. I think I'm the only person in Austin with no cell phone. everyone assumes I have a cell phone. I can't even get long distance jessica just stuck her finger in my mouth. she didn't think I'd write that. or that. I'm almost halfway through. I'm sleepy. my girlfriend is sexy. Andrew offered to be her tutor. I'm running out of things to write about. the Pixies are the best band ever. bar none. they incorporate obscure time signatures and lyrics into the most influential sound ever, the only quesionable exception being the Velvet Underground. they were copied by many bands yet don't get credit for it. listen to Weezer's "The Sweater Song" and the Pixies "I Bleed". Weezer was even on their tribute CD. No coincidence. listen to any Nirvana song compared to any Pixies song. Nirvana usually gets the credit for creating the modern alternative genre, but it was the Pixies. the liars are pretty awesome too. same with fugazi. and the desaparecidos, even though bright eyes is conor oberst's creative offspring. but the best up-and-coming band is the unicorns. they're neat. 16 43. it's already nearly 12 o'clock. I don't want to go back to my room because my roommate is boring and I'll miss Jessica. and he'll want to go sleep when I come in, like he was waiting up for me. this is hurting my wrists. Party on the Plaza was a little dull. I realize that I can't truly ever write what I'm thinking because that requires me to give a physical aspect to something that isn't physical and the true meaning of what is being said is restricted to restraining par | 2,421 |
1 | 0 | 1 | 1 | 1 | 23 | My throat hurts really bad these past two days but I kind of like it cause when my voice is scratchy it makes me feel sexy. But the problem with that is two-fold, one- why should i want to feel sexy if i already have a boyfriend? does that mean i want a different one? and two i shouldn't be kissing my boyfriend if my throat is scratchy so it doesn't matter if i feel sexy. that whole situation reminds me of the friends episode when phoebe had a cold and she was a super good singer because the phelgm made her feel sexy, but since i'm not a singer i really don't have any useful outputs for my cold and it just makes me feel gross. what i'm afraid of with all this is that i'm thinking about what to type and then typing it rather than just typing thoughts as they come. hopefully you won't have time to read this though so you won't know about my concern of how honest my stream of consciousness is really being. sometimes i want to be an artist because i think that it's really incredible to be able to depict what you think something resembles. but i could never do that because my hands don't have the talent that my mind does- so i think of great things but then i'm never able to really express them, that's probably why most artists are insane because they can't perfectly match their impression of something with their depiction of something. right now our neighbor guy is playing classic rock really loud and it's kind of distracting me. i would go tell him to turn it down but i don't want to interrupt my stream, and also i think he's creepy because he touches my stomach a lot and he gives me these really intense stares and i'm like whoa?! but another creepy thing happened today, my ex-boyfriends mom sent me this clipping of him in the paper and was like just thought you might want to see this clipping about anthony in the navy. e-mail me to keep up and good luck with classes! weird. one, i only met the lady like twice, i didn't even get formally introduced to her. two, how did she get my address?? and three, lady your son and i broke up. let's move on with our lives, shall we? there's something about the taste of sick in your mouth. a sore throat or something, but when i coughed jsut now it reminded me of halloween. strange. but that's probably got something to do with all this crazy stuff in the brain that's going on. man it just boggles me. my roommate is in the shower and i just heard this crash of bottles and she laughed. it reminds me of something i do everyday. i just laughed, she's a really great roommate. just like i have a great family and a great boyfriend. if i make the crew team i think my life will be perfect, even though i know i shouldn't depend it on that. it just seems like a dream. after being depressed for so long it's really nice to be alone and realize that i'm happy. i just have a ton of stuff to be thankful for. sometimes i think about the things i would change about myself and i would definately make myself more grateful, and i would be more prude about kissing. i think kissing is really trivialized and it makes me sad. sometimes i want my life to be like a movie and have incredible kisses that you can just hear the music start up with. slow ones that really communicate something. ones where you're not thinking about how the guy's tongue feels or if he has good breath but all you can think about is how good he makes you feel and how much you like or love him. i think the reason why i used to be depressed was because i wanted everything to be perfect like a movie and slowly i started feeling like my life just didn't stack up. but the truth is is that in the grand scheme of things it's like DAMN! i've not only got two legs, two arms, and 20 fingers, but on top of that i also have the great roommate, great family, and great boyfriend, great friends, a great mind, and not too much sadness. i think people always dramatize things because they don't know what they're looking for in life but they figure that people will suddenly pay attention to them and they'll figure it out. almost anyone wants attention- that's why people try to committ suicide, why people cry, it's the explanation for so much. how weird is that that okasy i lost that thought but i'm still typing. i'm a die hard stream of consiouicness writer, i breeeze buy typos, not a problem for me. but the classic rock is. i'm ready to destroy his speakers i think. music should say stuff- not just be a bunch of noise. music should be stream of consciousness because it would reveal truths in life. isn't that what it's all about? the ttruth? now i sound like my ex-boyfriend who was obsessed with plato and searching for the truth. he invented this kissing thing called the euclidian vacuum. it was way creepy. i want to talk about my cat willy cause i miss him. i miss feeling his little cat body sleeping on me and purring. college students are depressed cause dorms won't let you have pets- that's really why. that and the whole loneliness of sin thing. when it comes to sinning, you try to find other people who have done the same thing as you, but it just ends up making you feel worse knowing that there are other people in the world that mess up like you. i want to have some famous last line here but i think i'll settle for i just looked at the clock and i don't have time! MARSHMALLOWS! | 1,610 |
0 | 1 | 0 | 1 | 1 | 11 | I am in the library right now writing this stream of consciousness. I just had dinner. It was very delicious. I ate at the Kinsolving dormitory food center. The library is really quiet and I can hear the tying on the computer. People are walking in and out and it is a little bit distracting. I can't wait until this week is over. It will be Labor day weekend. I can't believe a holiday is just around the corner. It seems like just yesterday it was summer and I was having fun playing with my friends and hanging out. Over the Labor day weekend, I would love to go back home to Houston and see my family, but I kind of would prefer to just stay here in Austin. There is so much to do here and there is so much freedom. In a way it can be good but I really need to manage my time wisely. Today's psychology was really interesting. I loved the in class experiment that was done. It was pretty cool how the experiment worked especially since the first time was easy to tell when the girl was lying and the second time was really hard. I feel tired right now and I would like to go to sleep, but I know I should get this writing assignment out of the way. I was talking to my brother about computers today. It was fun but hard at the same time since it was over the phone. My mind went blank for a while and I can't think of anything to write. Tomorrow is one of my best friend's birthday. I can't believe she will be one year older. She is a senior in high school right now and I bet she is stressing over college applications like I was during senior year. I hope she gets everything done in time. I remember senior year was really interesting. I had to research a lot with colleges and what I wanted to do with my life especially choosing a major. So far, education is what I want to do. I think it will be fun especially if I decide to work with elementary students. I am feeling really sleepy right now and I can feel my fingers moving more slowly than before. I miss my family. Even though I am used to being away for a month. I know I will begin to miss them so much more in the next couple of months. I hope they are doing well and everything is working out in their lives. I also miss my friends back home especially my church family. I can't believe I am actually going to say this or actually type it but I also miss my pastor. Especially his sermons. As I am here in Austin, I have been church hunting with some friends and the pastor's sermons here are just not the same. I guess I am really used to how he tried to make it apply to our daily lives and tried to really relate to us. Especially since I grew up in that church, I really miss all the good memories I have made there. I can't wait until the weather gets colder here in Austin. I heard last year it snowed for a day in the morning. I really would like to see falling snow. I really love the cold weather and I like to play in the snow. Today's weather was nice. I could feel the cool breeze blowing in my face. There was less sun than usual. Maybe it is supposed to rain who knows. But I can definitely feel a weather change coming soon hopefully. I still can't believe that I am a freshman in college. I thought when I arrived here I would finally believe it but it is really hard to sink in. So far classes have been fun and a little boring at the same time. I try to think positively and try to learn something out of each time I spend in class. I am really worried about the tests and quizzes here at the university. I just don't know what to expect especially since different teachers do different things. I really hope that I will do well in the first semester of college in fact I hope to do well all the years I am in college. I think I've kind of forgotten how to study. After college applications were done and over with and after I knew where I was going to attend college, I kind of stopped studying really really hard for classes. I still studied but just not as hard and not as much as I should have. I feel like taking a shower and going to bed now. My eyes feel they are slowing shutting but I'm trying to keep awake. There are so many people here at the library. I knew there would be a lot of people but it's amazing to see how a lot of people use their time wisely and study and also take the time to do their homework even when there are so many temptations to go out and party. I suddenly feel itchy everywhere. I think a bug bit me. It is really annoying and itchy. This has been the most exciting assignment ever. It will be really weird to look back on what I wrote. | 2,328 |
1 | 1 | 1 | 1 | 1 | 31 | It's funny how people allow themselves to be manipulated by words. I was just reading my Philosophy book, and different philosophers were arguing the pros and cons of legalizing drugs. As I read I found myself being manipulated by words. I had to step back and look at things as a whole to determine my own view on situations. I think many people are victims of the society that we have created. We live in a cutthroat world that is very demanding. People feel pressured to please others above themselves. I believe that this can be dangerous. People too often define success by how much money they have, how many cars they have, and what their resume looks like. Many times we try to obtain success at all costs; even at the cost of our own happiness and well being. Students feel pressure from many sources. Many of those sources are our parents. They feel pressure to be a success in their parents eyes no matter what the costs. Even if the costs includes the well being of their self. This is a sad occurrence. We should be encouraged by our parents. Their is a thin line between encouraging and pressuring. We look for that line and do our best to walk as close to it as possible. Its funny how our state of mind changes from time to time. We go from being majorly stressed out to being very calm. Aristotle believed that we should always surf somewhere in the middle, never getting too high or too low. I think that makes some sense. Every time I get stressed out I have to step back and look at things in perspective. Then I ask myself if this "thing" I'm stress about is really worth it. More times than not it isn't. My question is what is the right way to live. If we never push ourselves we never allow ourselves a chance to grow. If we push ourselves too much we run the risk of becoming depressed. I guess like everything else, it all depends on the circumstances. Some things have a tendency to stick in my head. Movie lines for example. I'm always able to remember with great accuracy. Numbers on the other hand, I don't remember so well. What causes that? Is that a gift or a flaw? I have an identical twin brother and we are total opposites. I remember movie lines and he remembers phone numbers very well. Also, we look nothing alike. Isn't that weird. Every time we meet someone and tell them we're identical twins they never believe us. Maybe the doctor made a mistake and told my mom the wrong thing. Identical twins are cool because we have the same genetic makeup. I guess that takes the individuality away a little, but hey, its just like anything else, we've got to take the good with the bad. | 1,347 |
0 | 0 | 0 | 1 | 1 | 3 | I have just gotten home from a two and a half hour rehearsal for an orchestra that I never wanted to be in. I signed up for this orchestra only because I thought it was on optional group. but now I have been stuck in hour long rehearsals which make me very tired and make me get home late and then I have to do all this work and then I'm tired in the morning and am achy all day long. my left shoulder is killing me right now. it's from playing the violin. I think that I raise that shoulder and so then it hurts for long periods of time. I'm supposed to call jeff in 30 min. I haven't talked to him in over a week and I really miss talking to him. it's strange how I can go months without talking to him and then once I've talked to him, I get these urges to talk to him again. sometimes it seems as if he doesn't want to talk to me, but deep down I know he does. I don't know why I'm writing this in my psychology writing exercise, but it's what is in my head right now so that's what I'm writing. you've got mail is on the television right now. I like that movie, however I just saw it this morning, since every movie is on like twice in our dorm. I like taht. we get to see all these movies whenever we like. but actually it kinda distracts me from doing schoolwork. I really wish I could paint or make art. my roommate is on the floor painting a blue sky and it is beautiful. I really like modern art and she is all into it. our room is very nicely decorated since she is very artistic. I think it's strange how kinsolving put two freshmen, both from the houston area, and both fine arts majors together in a room. I kinda like it. it gives me an access to a ride home whenver she's oging. I've never done these stream of consioucness writings before. I kinda like it, but I'm not used to it. I feel like I'm making no sense what soever. I'm going out with this guy from my high school on friday night. it should be interesting, because we haven't talked all summer long and we used to be best friends. so it might be a little awkward. but I think it will be okay. I'm really tired of writing now and I think it's been 20 minutes. so now I get to stop writing and soon I will be able to call jeff. | 744 |
1 | 1 | 0 | 1 | 0 | 26 | I'm now worrying about what to write which is really irrelavant because to the instructions. I am at a loss. When the mind watches itself most of it stands still. But when it stops being vigilant it wanders anywhere and everywhere past, and future. Again I can think of nothing when watching the mind think of something which is very ironic. And again it stops and doesn't go anywhere when I try to see where it is. I hope I don't bomb this paper which I'm not sure how its to be graded. I bet my grammer really sucks, if I can use that word "suck" but I shouldn't worry about my grammar because it doesn't matter according to the instructions yet because of insecurities I still worry about my presentation, any presentation. Now I am talking to my friend and being distracted, but since I reallize it I'm no longer distracted. What else is going through this undeveloped mind of mine, wow, that rhymes, mind and mine, ok, I probably sound really stupid now but am just following instructions. The phone rings, and I think that it may be my mother checking up on me which she already did, but I'm sure would not hesitate to do it again. Room is now quiet with everybody gone, no distractions except for the unknown mind with all of its mysteries. Funny its always with us yet we know next to nothing about it which maybe this class will attempt to shed some light on but I doubt it will do very much good for anyone to decrease thier pains and increase their happiness. Everything in psych. is great but helps no one if it serves no purpose such as increasing the quality of ones life. Philosophy I believe tries to a bit more to do just that but is so abstract and too much of a subject to be studied than to be experienced and learned which doesn't help anyone anyways except to tickle and play with the intellect. Unless a certain form is adapted to the way of living and adopted as the way of thinking will it help those who really seek help. Now I'm a little afraid all that I just wrote is irrelevant to the assignment and will recieve a bad score. Perhaps another manifestation of insecurity. This world today is full of insecurities, fear, though we have everything anyone could want in the West, but yet we lack that which cannot be externaly obtained. How ironic that most of us strive in life but never know what we are striving for, what Steven Cohen calls personal management but lack of personal leadership, direction. Because we seem to have everything we want but are actually lacking we don't know where to direct our constant thirst for happiness and constant aversion of suffering. But the cause of our pains is ignorance, the lack of wisdom, wisdom - understanding but mostly realizing how things really are. Perhaps to this is to philisophical for the assignment. but as thoughts come into my head I write just like the instruction say. Although I can think of no reason for this assignment excpet to observe the mind, but I can not see anything to learn. yeah, maybe the next assignments are also like this, but probably not, wishful thinking. Almost done, just two more minutes and I maybe will continue the other assignments. Our study hall in our dorm really sucks. Its very creepy looking with all sorts of pipes and wires running through the wall. Uh, oh, girl thoughts, probably not appropriate, I don't even know if I spelled that word correctly. My mama told me that mastery over the mind is the highest form of victory anyone can have. It is said that a man may conquer a thousand people and a thousand lands, but it is far better to conquer himself just once. | 822 |
0 | 0 | 0 | 0 | 1 | 1 | I keep thinking about the future and how my life will alter during and after college. I wonder how my grades will be after the first term. I hope I can make my parents proud. I don't want my parents to view me as a failure and a screw up I want them to be proud. I want to be accepted by everyone I meet. I want to succed in life. I wonder how my math test will be tomorrow. I just wish that society didn't view people on how much money they make I wish I could go to a place where everyone was the same and there was nothing to worry about maybe the place I'm thinking about is eternal utopia or heaven. I wonder if there is a heaven what happens after death where do we go. do we ever see the "creator" what is the creator is it god or did we evolve through evolution of mico o | 853 |
0 | 0 | 0 | 0 | 0 | 0 | Right now, my dad just left and I am feeling homesick and sad. Even though by the time I left home I was so ready to leave, but now seeing him makes me feel really sad. It's not just that I feel sad but I feel guilty to. My dad is so awesome and when I lived at home I never really appreciated him. Sometimes I can be so incredibly selfish and self absorbed. I guess experiences like leaving home are good for us because they help open our eyes and let us see things that we wouldn't ordinarily. At home I was in my own little world which revolved around my school, friends, and family. Now being in Austin with out any of these comforts, I feel much more vulnerable and also naive. Living on the drag can open your eyes more than anything. My dad told me that just yesterday the bank underneath my building got robbed. That kind of stuff freaks me out because I go to that bank constantly and I just never expect anything like that to happen. I really don't understand why people do things like robbing a bank. I guess it's just hard for me to understand how people could feel like they have no other options than to just rob a bank. Although it's probably naive of me to say this, there are so many organizations and programs out there for people which just go so unutilized. I really enjoy working a places like those. I am still consider pledging the APO frat. The only problem is that if I do it's still going to cost me money, even though it's not as much as normal frats. I'm really not sure I can afford that. I spend money so fast up here. I probably need to get a job, but I really don't want to. I think it would be so overwhelming if I was to get a job. It would be a fun way to meet people though. And my managers said that they would be more than willing to get me a job at any of the Austin Macaroni Grill's if I wanted one. I really miss all of my friends from my job. next time I go home I am going to go up there and visit everybody. I am going to visit all of my friends also. I miss them all so much. Last night I called Mandy. It was so good to talk to her again. She is honestly the only person who really understands me. She understands all of this crap that I am going through with Charles. I can not believe that I have been here for 2 weeks and he hasn't called me once. I have no idea what the deal is with him, but if he doesn't want to se me any more then he needs to let me know. Well, time's up. | 1,144 |
1 | 0 | 1 | 0 | 1 | 21 | so yeah. I finally get to the point where I feel like I have some sanity in my life, and back he comes. why did I let him back into my life? I went out last weekend and had the weekend from hell. first the fire alarm, then the game (not too bad), then the car accident (thank God none of us were involved), and finally the other two ambulances in front of Halcyon. why can't just go get a damn cup of tea without the world come crashing down on me (improper grammar, I kmow. so is the punctuation for that matter). so anyway, back to jason. the bane of my existence and the one thing I cannot escape. last night I decide to try an dangerous tactic and back him into a corner just to see what he'd do. (probably should have left that up to the professionals - namely advisor jes who did it with me to get me to pick a concentration, classics or middle east. ) found out it doesn't work as well with relationships - esp. with a guy who has taken over a year to make up his mind and still hasn't really decided anything. talk about making me feel completely worthless. so I say, "you're still a kid. " "I know. " "so grow up, jason. be a man. make a goddamn decision. " "I can't be with you. " why does he always run? my brother did the same thing. what is it about men that when faced with fight of flight emotionally, they ALWAYS run? so unwittingly I cornered myself as well. I realized I can't let this man go, no matter how bad he is for me. I will continually put myself at his mercy, despite the fact that HE was the one who left me this summer. why do I make it so easy for him to come back. is a little bit of fear a healthy thing? he's not afraid to lose me at all! because he KNOWS that I'll never go anywhere. too bad the fool didn't KNOW that I loved him as much as I did. now how do I get that back? I was crying on the windowsill. just one more part of the apartment to be initiated into my life with tears. I was hoping the sill would have been initiated in other ways. he promised to come visit me. this coming weekend was shot to hell thanks to ET. second time that bastard has screwed up my life. so I make him promise me the weekend after. only thing is that I had plans to celebrate my birthday with my friends that weekend. football game + club = fun night. now he's coming, hopefully. but yet more plans put aside for him. he would say, "but I never asked you to do that," or, "you're the one that wants me to come. " why doesn't he get that I hate living like this, and it's HIS torture that makes me have to put my life aside? so now what do I do? I call him all day, playing phone tag, hating the hell I'm in. but I keep my composure. if anything I've learned in this last year of hell it's how to keep my composure. not enitirely sure what good that does me. damn this keyboard is spongy. wish it had that new full size one that has flat keys like a laptop. should make it much easier on the CTS. so what was I thinking? oh yeah, phone tag. I finally get to talk to him while I'm in the bathroom (wow does that gross him out) and I ask him if we can just pretend last night didn't happen. and he tells me I'm paranoid. fool, you told me you couln't be with me and I'm not supposed to be paranoid? WTF?! geez, I write a lot in 15 mins. this picture above the computer in the lab is. interesting, not really pretty. poor taste in art these people. so then he starts falling asleep, as ususal, and the conversation dies. and each time I try to resurrect the thing to achieve some sort of closure, I feel like part of me dies too. how many buckets my tears would fill over this past year I could not count. I'm so tired of crying. it's frightening that sometimes it's the only thing that makes anything better. and even more scary that I cry just to get a response out of him because he DOESN'T SAY ANYTHING!!! the silence is pure torture and he must know it. but nothing ever changes. do I sound like I have abused spouse syndrome? emotionally abused. tortured. dead. I wonder what these girls would think if they read over my shoulder. what would sameera say/do if she knew I was putting myself through hell again for this man? time almost up. thanks for the opportunity for the release. 5 4 3 2 1 done. | 2,447 |
1 | 0 | 0 | 0 | 1 | 17 | Relax, formation of thoughts energies retentions obsessions. dreams are an internal future, awake, shake dreams from you hair my prteey child, my sweet one. I hate the doors, overrated. haha. no time for mourning no time for myself, ah no time. I have fingers, delicate pulse wandering after to and thorugh away from the day. think about money take time for god, thats funny god. you prankster you. they are watching, everyone and everything is watching us wait, scream, die. take a life and flush it down, need to blow my nose, dont't have time. portability, portishead, pause, leters, phrases, extenuationg circumstances. ending crashing into denial. green shirt, fuzzy vision, orange face, ugly decision. computer labs, laptops, screens, sucking, good or bad? I sthe computeer alive, does it feel, how does it know, so much more thatn you and I/ back slash, back flash how did I get here. laet me out of here i need help. don't read the past, just keep on truckin. someone should really rethink the design of a keyboard. Heonstly, who made these things? I wish I could write with a pen, Ir doesn't even feel like I am writeng, more like I am manipulating, words are simply appearing before me with strokes on stupid square buttons and blah. I need a lead pencil and some one hundred percent recycled paper, yes. jobs, havoe none. arms, mobing, my brain is telling them to do these things, but my brain operates on cruise contrl for the most part. I have a special softaware program gong on in my own personal computer, if you know what I mean. hehe. music is my love, I don't need men anymore, all Ineed is somethign soothing in my ear, and maybe a kiss on the cheek. wow, I really am pathetic, dearest me o me o my. jump around tinker toy thought to thought, mind wave and magistrate. optiplex, I always needed one of those. stupid dell. are artists really happy? I wonder, they must be right? how could they not be, seems most fulfilling. jsut laying yourself out on a canvas, ina pot, ona wall, ina shape, object, form, song, so on and so forth. yadda yadda, bulgaven. electric, electronica, ecstacy, love, adoration, wants and needs, I need attention, I am the first to admit it, I crave desire and love, as I should. who needs tacos? I'll have one please take it down, my one, be thine own creation. love yourself, be intoxicating. That has got to be the number one compliment. Imagine if someone says to you , you aer intoxicating good lord. must be nice. u are not alone, I need to get out. make space, show reason, study, create, imagine, juxtaposition of arms and legs, entangle a bodies own desire, the fetus cried last night, opt for internal discussion on top of the moon's clocktower, beings of all size, noble vixens and vultures, float and hum a sweet, sad song of remonition | 1,717 |
1 | 1 | 0 | 0 | 0 | 24 | So here are twenty minutes of Brian's thoughts. As I sit here, I am dumbfounded by the ignorance of humans. Today I talked to a coworker about religion. He found out that I'm agnostic and proceeded to proselytize. I can respect this, because his religion dictates that people who don't accept Jesus Christ will go to hell. But at the same time, I poked several holes in the Christian philosophy and in the Bible. He wasn't able to counter my arguments, and he responded only by saying that he has faith. This epitomizes human ignorance. I have faith the chair I'm sitting in now will not collapse and harm me. This faith is based on my past experiences with chairs and with seeing things that turn out to, in fact, exist. Yet he claims he has "faith" in a god that nobody on this planet can prove they've seen. I can just as well assert via faith that there is a Pink Elephant on the other side of the moon that we'll never see. I've never seen this elephant, but I KNOW it's there. I have faith. It speaks to me through the Elephant Spirit. What the fuck is that all about? How can someone bastardize his or her beliefs to knowledge like this?? It is incomprehensible to me. I realize that people have a deepseated need for absolutes. Nobody wants to think our planet is a lonely hunk of dirt floating in space, so instead we conjure up deities that give our lives and our very existence meaning. Never mind that there is absolutely no reason to believe we are correct save a book compiled thousands of years ago based on events hundred or thousands of years before that! Who needs logic and reason anyway? And it never ceases to amaze me that some scientists still embrace religion! It scares me how easy it is for them to walk away from work and into church and never mingle the two because they're so incompatible. It makes me truly sad that people can be so stupid. Thankfully our society is progressing further and further away from religion, albeit at a crawling pace. And even so, rather than shedding this relic of our intellectual infancy we simply mold the religion (absolute truth, mind you) to fit our current society and way of life. I'm dumbfounded. It also amazes me how closedminded people can be. I'm gay. Big deal. Yet many people (though a few proportion in Austin) perceive me as evil for it. My actions are vile and disgusting to them. Never mind the fact that homosexual activity occurs in nature, though not as frequently as heterosexual behavior. And don't even touch upon the fact that there is no logical, reasonable justification for opposing homosexuality. People have all these notions that homosexuals are pedophiles or that we try to "recruit. " At the risk of sounding pessimistic in my writing and thoughts, I can't believe how moronic our society is, on average. We even have Al Gore in the news saying he opposes samesex marriage based on religious reasons. (Hmm, are my two pet peeves of the day related? Of course!) J. And so I'm left sitting here, wondering how people can be so stupid as to embrace Christianity and oppose homosexuality. Ugh. THESE are the times that try men's (and women's) souls! Which brings up another point. I'm so annoyed at how misogynistic our society is. The craze in the past decade has been political correctness, and conservatives are sick of it. But things haven't changed nearly as much as people think. I still sit through lectures where the professor refers to every character described (a banker, an investor, a CEO) as he. he. he. I can't stand it. But perhaps it's not so much that these professors are bigoted to some degree. Perhaps they're simply trying to convey the way the world really is! Because women don't have anywhere near an equitable stake in society. In finance we were shown some subcommittees of the boards of directors of Procter and Gamble and Home Depot, Inc. Out of some two dozen positions between the two companies ONE PERSON was a woman! I can't stand it. I feel like I'm a bastion of fairness and equity and reason in a sea of stupid people! (Keep in mind, I'm not this pessimistic in my day to day activities, perhaps just in my mind. Hehe. ) And, not that I'm trying necessarily to relate it to our class, this is all psychology! It's probably evolutionary psychology more than anything. With regard to religion, as survival machines for our genes, we'd like to believe we will continue indefinitely. This manifests itself in various religions that promise us eternal life. And we'd like to believe that our existence isn't arbitrary, so we conjure up a god who gives us meaning, ignoring the myriad moral and logical problems this presents. With homosexuality. gay people don't reproduce if they fully express their sexuality. Of course not all do, which is why homosexuality could persist in the population as long as it has. And so on some level I'm sure we're afraid that if we accept homosexuality, more people will "choose" to be homosexual. Then the species will die out! Oh no! (I know per Richard Dawkins that evolutionary psychology operates on a genetic level, not a societal level, but you see my point. ) Anyway, I suppose that's my time for this week. Tune in again next week for more ramblings from Brian's ultraliberal mind. | 1,446 |
0 | 0 | 1 | 0 | 1 | 5 | At this exact moment I am wondering how long this twenty minutes is going to last because I am going to falll asleep soon and I have a lot of things to do. I wish I could be doing this on my own computer, but the stupid thing wont work, I think I am computer illiterate. I have had e-mail sitting there since june and I can't get into it. It is killing me that I'm not able to talk with all of my friends that went away for college. I shouldn't have waited to do this assignment until now because I need to finish getting my stuff together to go back to ny dorm room. I am really glad that I was able to get away from her for a day, I always have the worst luck and got an incompatible roommate, but I would rather not have come home. The food is better but my parents are constantly bothering me. I need to check my messages in my room,I bet there are going to be at least ten, and half of them are going to be from Ben, my ex-boyfriend. Not going to waste my time on him anymore-- why do people cheat on each other, I woant ever understand that. And what makes him think that just by sayng I Love You htat I am just going to forget everything. Forget hijm, at least I have met someone new that I can tlak to heis so sweet and all but I think I should call it off, nothing ever works for me and I ned to concentrate more on my shcool work. I don't know what to do about guys. I need to meet some more girls to hang out with, but the only ones I see are all snoby sorority girls a nd that just isn't me at all. Kyle is such a sweet guy and all but should I tell him htat I need to slow down and work on my shcool or should I just let things go and see what happens. I'm scared to just go with the flow, I really like this guy a lot and the last time I felt this way I got hurt and that pain is still here. Everytimt Ben calls I get a happy feeling inside until I think of kyle and how he is here now and how Ben messed up when he screwed me over. My mom is yelling at me again I wonder what I did now. Icould be nothing but it will still be my fault for some reason I swear that if I ever heard my parents compliment me or say that they were proud of my I would probably have a heart attack right then and there. I wish I wasnt such a dissapointment I have never done anything right and if I don't get a 4. 0 gpa they are going to lay it on me because if my sister can do it, and play volley-ball at ut then I should be able to just sit there and study constently and maybe one day live up to her. My feelings for Ben and Kyle are so mumble-jumbled in my brain right now that it is starting to hurt from thinking about it all the time. Well what a surprise my mom is coming to yell at me as much as I am used to it the tears still come very easily. | 883 |
0 | 0 | 0 | 0 | 0 | 0 | Hello, I don't know why I feel that I have to greet you, but I do. and I don't know who "you" are, because I have never tried to communicate with myself. that is so strange to me because I should know me well, because I am me. So. a stream of conciousness, eh? lets begin with the first thing I look at: the keyboard. it is black, and the lettering is in white, capital letters. I know each of these letters by sound, and sight. how did I learn these? with out them I wouldn't even be here doing this. now I am hearing things. people all around me logging onto their computers just typing away, researching away. now a man is asking a question to one of the information people here. I don't know who they are, like how to adress them, that is. but they are here to help. and for some reason that makes me feel at ease. at ease from what? I don't know . I guess the world is enough to make my being feel uneasy. my existence in this world makes me feel like I need to be recognized, sensed, felt, heard, or loved. isn't that strange? why do I need to feel this way? I don't know. but that's how I feel. moving on- what is another sense? I've gone over what I am looking at, what I am hearing and what I am feeling. but feeling in an emotional sense, not physical. I could have said I am feeling the contact between my fingers and the keyboard, but instead I chose to elaborate on my internal emotions, and that is not one of the five senses. isn't that strange? so that covers three out of five. what am I tasting right now? well, I don't know how to answer that. I don't know how to describe the taste of my mouth. and even if I was still eating, how could I explain the taste of a hot dog or fries or a banana? the only thing I could say is that "my mouth tastes like hot dog, fries and banana. " but that isn't necessarily what it really does taste like right now. now it tastes like nothingness, I suppose. what does nothingness taste like? I could ramble off synonyms, such as void or empty space even. but that doesn't mean anything untill a person consciously experiences it. right? like when a person learns what strawberry tastes like. there is no possible way to explain exactly the flavor of a strawberry. mmmm strawberries are delicious. that's all I would be able to say. and now I am actually CRAVING a strwberry! even me typing the word, and the big capital way that I spelled "craving" makes me want it even more. I am now trying to take my mind off of the mouthwatering fruit so that I can finish the last three minutes or so of this paper before I leave to go get some strawberries. it is a pretty strong urge for me to leave now but I have discipline. and that is what makes me different from everyone else. I have discipline. I won't leave now because my grade is so important to me. and its paying off, you know why? because I only have 30 more seconds to go!!! I am very happy now at the hought that I don't have to type any | 2,438 |
1 | 1 | 0 | 0 | 1 | 25 | "Today is the first day of the rest of your life" is what I remember my parents saying to me at graduation two years ago. Back then, I was having some serious problems and nobody, including myself, knew what to do. But now, after that wild madness of that first semester in 1999 all has seemed to calm down. I don't know what it was that did it. Perhaps it was that one acid trip that I took at last year's Phish concert. Man, its annoying when that red line pops up under misspelled or misrecognizied words. Makes you feel selfcritical. I don't know how I feel now. Ever since this year began, I've been a little more tired than usual. But, I've been a little stressed out, too. Not about classes; naw, they all seem to be just fine. Enjoyable, too. Having sex with that girl Sue was a bad move, though. First of all, she's kind of nuts. I know she's lonely, too. Must be tough coming all the way from California here, but at least her family's from Texas. She's fucked up, though, because she's searching for something outside of herself that's impossible to find: security and peace of mind. It's impossible to really, really find those two things in this world I think. I mean, security's a joke; there are so many factors that we never think about in our daily lives that kind of jab at our illusions. All those things like high paying jobs, retirement funds, etc. are all about security. Personally, I think it's all a bunch of bullshit, but, then again, I'm not an old man nor do I have a family to support. I hope this girl doesn't get racked up. I'm pissed because she told me that she was on birth control, but that was a lie. And, I know that if I'd gotten some loving in the last three years I wouldn't have done it. I used her and I feel rotten for it. But, her desire for something to hold on to and peace of mind are making her irrational, I fear. Somehow, she identifies these two things with me. Don't really know why, because I never really thought of myself in those two ways realistically, but I never said there was anything rational to her thoughts. Man, I hate complaining, but I got to say that I've had some bad luck with women these last few times. First there was Lexi. I'm not really sure what was going on between the two of us, but I'm sure I loved her in some way. Can't speak from her end of the line, though. The problem was just that towards the end of last year when we were on the rocks, I was starting to go mad, and it's hard to handle a distant woman and insanity at the same time. That's kind of a lame excuse, but what else can I say? I haven't really gotten that far yet, though Lord knows I've tried. I was thinking the other day about whether or not I fear women overall. Well, I sure like to talk and think about them a lot. My mom was always such a hard ass on me growing up. I know she loved me a lot, although I hate to admit it, and I guess that's why she was. Or, maybe it was because of her upbringing. Anyway, nonetheless, I've been afraid of her forever and I'm ashamed because I think it fucks up my deal with other women and I really have a hard time deciding if I love her or not. I know it's my "duty" or whatever that means, but do I really? Of course I do on some level, but, man, I always get all tearyeyed when I even start thinking about it. That's another thing: I haven't been able to cry in a good, long while. Oh well, c'est la vie. My friend Elizabeth comes to mind now. I wonder how she's doing up there in NY. We have a really weird relationship, and it really hurt when I learned that she liked Matt for a long time. Guess I always had a little something for her. That was a great time up at the Doubletree last Christmas, though, I will say. Mr. A footing the entire bill, too. I guess Townes Van Zandt does have it right when he said, "We all got holes to fill, and them holes are all that's real. " Last night, I learned about some of Manny's holes concerning his father. He sure has been acting differently lately, though. It must be tough, but I don't know how to handle it. Maybe it's just best to let him be for a while. I kind of liked that Emily girl I met last night as well. I guess that statistic that says that men think about sex/women every 30 sec or so is right; the majority of this writing's about them. Or, maybe I just have some complex or something. Probably a combo of the two. I don't know what to think about God these days. I sure have been praying a lot to Him lately, though, over this Sue pregnancy thing. God, I hope that works out for me. I know it's selfish, but, man, You've got to understand. I truly am sorry, and I'll never have sex with another girl again on a onenighter. Lord, hear my prayer. Amen. Our society's kind of funny these days. If there is a man upstairs, I hope he's having a good time. It's amazing how fucked up stuff can get down here, though. After high school, I mean. Sometimes it's hard to be a man, and a woman I'm sure. I wonder who's got it worse. "Sucede que me canso de ser hombre. " It just so happens I'm tired of being a man, says Octavio Paz. I guess we all feel like that sometimes. Well, I guess my 20 minutes is up, but I do like this. Maybe we'll talk again sometime. See you, man. Take care and good luck. | 1,289 |
1 | 1 | 1 | 1 | 0 | 30 | So this is my first writing assignent for college. I keep forgetting that I am actually in school, and not on vacation of some sort. I just got out of bad and am havign a lot of feelings right now, all about non-important things, like boys. I am mad I lost my earing last night, mad that i still have feelings for my ex-boyfriend in a way, and mad that I don't know what to do about people here. It is just a totally different experience then anything else and I wonder when I will get used to it. I think i also need to learn how to type better and use punctuation! IMs never need punctuation or capitilization. or even correct spelling. Roommate is still gone, staying with her boyfriend, and its ok because i like him better now. Before I thought he was boring adn not as nice as David, but he is quite goofy and is always nice to em, though soemtimes I get the feeling its because he feels that I am a dork who just goes wherever Jerry goes. People kept telling us that rooming together would be a problem, but so far we have only had issues once, right before school started when we were spending way too much time together, and that was not good. That one night she left to stay at Steven's and walked out saying, have fun, made me want to punch her, because obviously I was just going ot be hanging out in the room, alone. Now that I am meeting people on my own out of the group , its much easier to do things and feel like I have a life. I still need to meet more people in my hall, and in classes, but most of them are so big that just being there I feel like not really participating. Going to the lake on labor day was quite an adventure, and one I am glad I had without Jerry. and jumping off the cliff was one of the coolest things i have done in a while. It also made me glad that no other girls went off the 50 foot cliff. I like doing things that girls normally don't do in these group situations, like the firebreathing and the shotgunning a beer. . but having done it once, I don't need to do that again. but I stil almost beat that guy when we did it, hehe. I don't understand why people drink beer- it tastes horrible and I have heard that after about 2, you don't taste it anymore. . but that means you have to drink 2 of them and then you must be getting pretty mindless to keep drinking somthing you don't like in the first place. Then it seems more like somthing people do to be cool , or whatever else people think they need to do. I have seen less of that in college. people seem more laid back in general about all sorts of things, but then again, there are still sorority girl types out there. I can't get over my dislike of the idea of sororities, probably because I don't know many girls well who are in them. I have been mostly meeting the guys in Steven's fraternity, and they are all nice, and not all mindless drinkers (mostly c. s. majors or engineers) and I am gald that i got to meet them all. . but they are all older then me. I used to love to tell people how young I actually was because they were always shocked, saying things like, oh, you don't look/ act however old I was at the time. My birthday was just over 2 weeks ago, and that sort of blows my mind because of all the things that have happened so far. Its like every phase of my life is separate from everything else that has happened in my life. its hard to even think of middle school anymore, and even freshman year of high school seems like someone elses life. Its also hard to belive that everything with Jason just happened last month, that we broke up in August and now its just September, barely, but it still feels like forever since it happened. OH CRAP. the phone just rang and it was some one asking me to go to the co-op with her- yeah! no more looser-dom! But then somehow I hit somthing that made the site go away and now that I'm back ,the timer has started all over again. Well, I think I have about 10 more minutes. So, all I have accomplished today was sleeping until noon, which has to be my sleep limit, I NEVER used to do that. and now I guess I will go to the co-op to return a book and hang out with Yashoda, and then. I guess I have to get ready for my date , I guess thats what it is. I am not looking forward to it anymore after last night, I don't know were we are going or even if I want to go anymore. So yesterday Jerry was telling me about her comparitive values seminar, and how they had to come to class with somthing to share that they were absolutely certain about, somthing not-ohysical that they could prove. jerry said that I am me , and that seems certain enough to me. . but another girl said that she is a woman, and they just picked that apart in class because really, how can you be certain of that? I think the point of that class is to weird you out and show you that nothing is certain. . so as if you werent already clueless enough at this point in your life, now you have some class where they tell you nothing is for sure. Besides physical things, what makes me a woman? The way I act? Why do I act the way I do? Those questions could go on forever with no answer, but it really made me think about the whole gender thing. Possibly I am a gay man trapped in a woman's body? Oh, the lady in the cafeteria-place today called me sir . I can't believe that happened, she said she couldnt see me around the sign or sneeze guard or whatever was there in front of her but. she called me sir! Brings back not-good thoughts of Jordan thinking it was funny to call me butch and Dawn telling me that I am just one of the guys . yah, maybe some gender issues here. I am a woman! Even if its not totally certain according to all this deep philosophy stuff, I AM a woman, and I happen to like boys, and I am pretty sure I don't resemble a guy (even with my upper-body buff-ness from swim team) but it is still a sore topic for me. It doesnt help that I am tall. oh! another phone call. I think my time should be up but the timer is all off, so I will say that this is 20 minutes and that is that! | 1,647 |
1 | 1 | 1 | 1 | 0 | 30 | Am not in the best of moods right now. I have something bothering me at this time. But I take my mind of my problems by thinking of happier times or doing my homework. I am worried about some really personal problem which is killing me inside. However, life goes on. Am good now, or at least not feeling so down. This is my first homework am doing ever since the weekend. Sounds really bad, but I console myself by having it in my mind that, am better off than many others. AT this very moment Am listening to music while typing. I really like music, it gives me a peace of mind, makeing me feel better. And it always reminds me that, life is what you make of it. If you make it sad, your life is going to be sad and vice versa. I always try to think positively, that helps the mind grow. I decided to do my assignment now, because I was feeling down ever since last night, and because this is all the time I will have. So if I don't do it now, I`ll probably not have sufficient time. Guess what! Life in college is very stressing, so I always try to keep a huge distance from the college stress. I always thought that I was too young to get stressed out but now its happening to me. But hey, life must go on, so I am trying to make the best of it, even in times of stress. I like my life right now, I really don't regret doing any of the wrong things in my past because, I know that they all came a long way to make me a better person, what I am today is a result of my ups and downs so far in my life. I don`t type that very well, so there will be I hope not too many errors. Life is one of the best things we have. We can and should always try to make an impact in the lifes of others- a GOOD impact. | 1,765 |
1 | 0 | 1 | 0 | 1 | 21 | What does the drug ecstasy do to the brain? I have been very curious about this for some time now. Maybe you could tell us what studies have concluded about this drug. The reason why I am so curious is because many of my friends have recently discovered and become enchanted with it. In fact, in about the middle of the second semester of my senior year in high school, it became almost like an ecstasy epidemic! Several of my friends have done it up to 11 or 12 times already! I haven't tried it since I refuse to do drugs but I'm really interested to find out what its long term effects are and why it produces the reaction that it does. Apparently, when on ecstasy, it feels as if nothing can go wrong and everything is perfect. Music is everything and once listening, someone who is rolling (the term used to define the feeling one gets after taking X) can't pull away. Also, they say they feel as if they have "lungs of steel" in that they are constantly smoking cigarettes and feel as if they can't stop. Oh, and the mouth chewing. Why does that happen? Their mouths jitter while they're rolling and after the drug wears off, their mouths hurt or feel sore. That's why you can tell when someone is rolling at a party. Well, first of all they're sweating profusely and also they're chewing lots and lots of gum! Its crazy actually. I went to a rave with my friends last Saturday. It was at Austin Music Hall. At least 70% of the people attending the rave was rolling on X. Well, essentially, that's what rave's are for. Its a closed space with djs who spin techno and trance music for a huge group of people, the majority of whom is Xing like crazy! Anyway, my friends had a blast there. of course they were rolling. I had fun too, but not nearly as much I imagine! In fact, it was 3:30 in the morning, we had been dancing for at least 4 hours straight, and one of my friends refused to leave because he was rolling so hard and not remotely tired. Doesn't this sound crazy? What does the drug do to people? Have any severe, longlasting consequences been discovered for sure. I've been told several theories, some of which include the brain bleeding, there being permanent damage on the spine, memory loss, and brain cells being killed. Sounds like some dangerous stuff these people are playing around with. If it weren't an illegal drug, I'd definitely try it (provided it didn't totally screw me up in the future!) considering how wonderful everyone tells me it is. And not just word of mouth. I've seen people on it countless times. They look as if they could die happy right then and there! I don't know if you're planning on discussing anything like this in class but I'm really interested in finding out more about X. Just out of curiosity! Well, I think I'd like to talk about something remotely related. One of the guys whom I'm talking about, in fact, he's in this class with me, is named J. I went to high school with him but we were never friends. We hung out at the same parties with the same group of people generally, but we barely even talked to each other. Well he and his friend are living at Towers together and since we're all down here together we've been hanging out a lot. A whole lot, in fact. And I wasn't really planning on anything happening between us but the night of the rave, a lot of people stayed the night at their place, including me, and we kind of "hooked up. " Now, ever since then, we've kind of been messing around well, nothing much. The thing is, we haven't mentioned it to each other at all. We keep doing it but don't discuss it. So I'm not sure what the deal is. I think I like him. well, actually, yes I do like him. The problem is. does he like me? I can't tell either way. I mean, he's a guy so just the fact that he keeps fooling around with me doesn't mean much. He could hate my guts for all I know and still be doing what he's doing just to get some! That would really suck. And I don't want to ask him because, well for one, I wouldn't know what to say. And for two, I'm scared of the answer. That would just be awful if I spill my guts and he totally cops out. And what's worse is if that happens, not only are we in this class together, but we have to go to the same school for the next four years! What should I do? I don't know. I hope something happens soon that'll figure this out for me well, something GOOD that is! I've written a lot more than twenty minutes so I should probably go now. I guess this wasn't as hard as I thought it would be. Whew! | 1,261 |
1 | 0 | 1 | 1 | 1 | 23 | well i am not exactly sure what i should be writing about but i guess it have no choice. i am noticing that my room is overly cluttered, that the tv is on and that my neighbors dog is barking i feel kind of warm althought that isnt totally weird i usaully am warm in this place. i have to be at work by 530 and i hope i can make it. i don't really like working there anymore because it is usually very stressfull, all the snobby rich people and the terrible managment, no my foot hurts probably because i have been placing my weight under it, tomorrow i don't have to work so i guess i can work out, i do like to work out its more the act of dealing with all the people in my way that i don't like. i don't like waiting. i hate when someone is just sitting on a machine or talking and isnt doing anything wastes my time. i also don't like it much when people talk to me in the gym, takes me away from what i am there to do. the semester has just started and i already feel a little pressure from all the upcoming events, the reading , the studying, the homework. sometimes i wonder why i am here, i start to think that maybe i am wasting my time when i have no idea what i am doing with my career, should i have known before i got to college? i don't think so, thats what its all about, learning about yourself, finding out who you really are. wow only 4 minutes have gone by. this is going to be a long assignment, i wonder how long eveyone elses assignments were. i am sure they were longer, seems like i never write enough or my writing is too vague. however last semester in government i did very well in my writing assingments. i tend to do better in the analytical process then i do in the creative process or at least thats how it seems to me, however some times i do have a very clever idea or unique way of looking at a porblem that enables me to break through. it usually invloves some one telling me i can't do something. that usually kicks my brain into over drive, i usually never tell myself i can't do it, just that i havent figured out how to yet. that makes it easier for me to look at that problem. this may sound retarted but when i was in highschool and my parents started locking the liqour cabinet, i remember looking at it and thinking wow how am i going to get around that. i don't see a problem as a barrier, but a wall to climb, so i took out the drawer on the top of the cabinet and reached my hand inside and pulled out whatever i needed, it sounds terrible but it was a very good solution to the problem of how to get the tequila out of the locked cabinet. sometimes i wonder what i would be able to do with harder real problems. i like thinking that i can defy others imagination, makes me feel like i am a little more clever than they have imagained. i always enjoyed upsetting peoples ideas of myself. or breaking stereotypes but putting my self into a place to be judged in that given stereotype, like when i shaved my head, i am in no way a skin head and i adopt none of their ideals or beliefs but i enjoy seeing the look of surprise on someones face when i can have a complex conversation on engineering concepts or hamurabi, or some eastern philosophy. its the initial look of dawning comprehension that i live for. like when i hide things from some one i want them to figure out where it is, just so i can see that burst of intelligence into their thought process that enlightens them to the location of their shoe, or where there keys are. even better then that is to have them have that dawning but then when they reach for their shoe it isnt their shoe, the sudden seize of thought is also as rewarding. or seeing if you can predict some ones actions but predict two steps forward so that when they realize you have predicted their action and begin to change you have predicted their realization of you predicting. the one thing i love of about the human body is its ability to change, to become something different then what it start out as, but in the end we are all the same, nothing more than complex organic molecules and one could argue that we really arent that complex just resilient. i want to make the human machine better, smarter, faster, stronger, but is it possible to perfect millions of years of constant evolution? who knows, maybe the next step will be to fuse mental ability with a better creature, something that man creates in his own image, we could build on the millions of years it took humans to become what we are. and in turn we could make the next level of human evolution, but this might threaten the entire order of things, we would no longer be the top of the food chain. and these altered beings would they be good or would they use their abilites for selfish purposes. i think that if i was some how better than everyone else then i would use my abilities for good, but isnt that asking alot of some one? what if they want to be self serving, just because they have these incredible gifts should they be forced to serve. Tis better to rule in hell then to serve in heaven. what would the world be like if everyone only looked out for themselves, we wouldnt have any firemean any policemen, no one would help others, or at least not without some sort of compensation. i enjoy doing something for someone when i don't expect to recieve anything in return, makes you feel better about yourself, and if they do give you something then it makes you feel 100% better then before, its not what you do but who you do it for i would rather do something great for someone else then to do something great for myself | 1,863 |
1 | 0 | 1 | 1 | 1 | 23 | I don't know if I can keep up a stream of consciousness , maybe a trickle, but not a stream. Keeping my mind on one thing is kind of difficult these days, but I'm going to give it a shot for the sake of it. I guess, I'll just start rambling, I hate this commercial, Geiko is so irritating. I can't stand those talking animal -up front . spokespeople Why do they have to do that? It's got to be degrading to any gecko watching, that awful accent. . ugh. You know what else isn't fair. . asking if the class is hungry. Of course they'll be hungary. That's like saying, don't wiggle your toes!!! Won't happen. I know, because I had an algebra teacher in middle school who liked to do things like that. Don't move your toes, can't you feel the sweat in between them? Or even better: imagine your gym teacher in a bunny suit hopping backward around the track. Bad mental pictures I tell you. That's the problem with an active imagination. Mental pictures galore! I've got to find the picture for everything, and I mean everything! Can't get away from any of the mental pictures. I wonder if it's allowed for me to turn off the TV, it's not as much fun when you can't look at it. This background noise is not working for me, I'll type with one hand,truning down volume. . . . . much better. Oh wow, only 6 minutes in. It's like I'm putting myself on the spot here. Purposefully rambling. Doesn't that go against one of the major social filters in place? A rambler is annoying. This is very difficult because we're trained not to ramble on, and here we are having to skew the system and just flow . Ugh, continuing on, today was a good day. They've all been good ones lately. Going back to school after being gone for a year has really made me appreciate the university more. I've had such a renewed optimism lately, which is good because I usually have that cynical person out front for everyone to see. But I guess it's time to try something new and go for the gusto, grab life by the horns, see the light at the end of the tunnel, as it were. It's like the beginning of every semester is a new chance to start over. I like that, and Lord only know that I've been needing a jumping off point for a new start. This is it I guess. And what better way to start anew, than with a stream of consciousness?!? Maybee I'll learn something about myself from this thing. It'll be interesting either way, won't it? Why is it that you never get an itch until you start doing something that you're not supposed to stop? Good ol' Uncle Murphy. He's been really messing with me today. The bus won't come unless I've lit a cigarette, I won't get hit up by petitioners until after I've withdrawn money, all day long it's been this way (wow, that sounded like yoda. Tired, I am) Nothing like a little Yoda reference to set everything straight. Ok, blank mind, what do I do , la la la la la la la la la la la What should I have for dinner tonight? I don't want to cook, I'll think of something, and if not cereal is always an option. How about that KIN test tomorrow morning? I hope I do well on it. Correspondence classes are such a pain if the testing sites aren't convienient. Why isn't the UT DEC testing center on campus? Why does it have to be on Lake Austin BLVD? I don't want to have to go to Lake Austin Blvd at 8 in the morning to take a test. It's ridiculous!! What were they thinking? I guess I'm just ready for something to be easy for once, for things to fall into place. For the past 2 years it's been nothing but aggrevation and frustration and all of the other things that essentially mean the same thing but with many subtle variations. I'm so tired of having to worry about what horrendous thing is coming around the corner. I can deal with the regular things just fine, but the slaps in the face are just GRRRR, I hate 'em, life is not supposed to be so difficult, it's not supposed to be easy, but it has been ridiculous. . though I do think think things are turning around. Time's up, got a cramp in the back of my right hand and, boy is it hot in here! Time to go. | 1,814 |
1 | 0 | 1 | 0 | 0 | 20 | what is the purpose of this? where is Jackie? oh yea, asleep. I love that girl but she is driving me nuts with the pressure. oh well, who cares. I love my dog Hershey. why wasn't she excited to see me when I came home today. what else should I say --stream of consciousness--bull shit. I am never fully conscious. why is banc one spelt with a c? I need to put some lotion on my hands. Jackie sure did miss me. she is a great girl. I need another t shirt. going back to school on Sunday. lots of homework this weekend. calculus is going to kill me. I am going to need a lot of outside help. a lot. Pennebaker, what origin is that? psychotics. why do serial killers behave the way they do? will I learn that? I guess I should check the syllabus. jack would want this whole stream to be about her. she always gets what she wants because I spoil her. she is so beautiful. my momma knows me so well. she is a great woman. I wish my dad would get a job but not travel because my mom will be really lonely. that is no good. I kind of want to worry about sentence structure and grammar but I am trying not to. this is a really unique exercise. I have a really scattered brain. I can't concentrate on anything. I have a worse attention spell than dustin bell or even mark that fucking bastard. if he ever tries to get jack again I'll kill him. she is my angel. she sure did miss me more than I did her. I guess that is because I am to bogged down with other things, ie: psychology and this wacko assignment. Pennebaker. I would like to pin a baker to the wall and beat him like raw meat until the blood from his ecoli filled body puddled around me. that was pretty sick. I think about shit like that all the time. why? am I weird for that? I guess I just have as screw loose. not like david does though. Jesus, talk about chemical imbalance. that fucker has some serious problems. ever since the mushroom incident I haven't looked at him the same. crazy guy. and his mom is such a bitch, and his alcoholic dad, and his pot head brother. with his mom dying I hope he's all right. poor guy. its a shame he doesn't care. Dave is some one that dr. / Pennebaker auto to analyze. you'll find some unique stuff in that crazy bastard. wow, what a nut. why are the keys on the keyboard organized the way that they are? some one is an idiot, but it all works out pretty well. will is a nice guy, but I don't want to go to his church groups. I feel guilty for leading him on. maybe I'll go once but that will only make the problem worse. immigrants are bastards. especially Mexicans. I don't want Texas to have more brownies than whites. that will suck. our native tongue will be worthless and the school systems will go to crap because English as a second language will be in the core curriculum. screw that. speaking of screwing, I wouldn't mind getting laid right about now. to bad Jackie is on her period. I would definitely like to get laid. I guess I can crank off later, but it is no where near as good. maybe I can get a blowjob this weekend since I did come in unexpectedly. I'm so nice. I still haven't figured out exactly why I cam in. just a few more minutes to go. I'm really kind of enjoying this. thoughts on paper. that is how things get accomplished, no? well going to college is pretty crazy and at the same time pretty boring. a lot of good looking women in dobie. everyone in jester is but ass ugly. I guess it is good that I am not always surrounded by hot chicks so that I can stay faithful to Jackie as long as I want to. I don't know what is going on inside of this crazy head of mine. who really cares? I guess the psychologists do. well, time is up. I guess I'll do this again in a few days. alright, later | 460 |
1 | 1 | 1 | 0 | 0 | 28 | Well here i sit at college and Its kind of weird. IN the next room there is music playing which I like. It makes me excited to go to a concert. , i remember the last concer that I went to. It was in good ole Tennesee, and I was Occumpanied by my cousin. Now she is quite a character and at the time she was attending Memphis University. She now lives in Hawaii, what a tough life. My room is surprisingly clean today, which is surprising. I always imagined that college would be a messy room with clutter everywhere. Actually it is quite organized. I have never considered myself an oraganized person, but as I have grown older I have realized that indeed I do enjoy some sense of organization. My roomate is telling a prettye funny story in the next room, and it leads me to thinking of all of the stories that I have. Coming from Midland, it was quite enjoyable to hear that my teacher was indeed from Midland. A friend away from home you could say. My connection in the bussiness. . haha, I didnt always live there though, I came from the next town and it was quite a change moving there too. Im not sure how it all compares to moving to college, but I do remember that it was right before I entered High school and it was still a major adjustment. I went home this weekend and watched my old football team play. My high school that is. Now we have had a winning tradition over the past few years that included a state championship and playoff trips every year. That is beside the point now, because i witnessed a beating worse than I could have imagined on that friday night. Nothing could go right. I miss football now that its gone, but i also know that the players here are very big and strong and would rip me in half. You never know though, with alittle hard work, next year i coujld step on the field in burnt orange. I have not written much lately, and I know that I should have been writing every day. I once read that writing everyday is the only way to improve your craft. That and reading, but I know that I will have no shortage of reading this year. I have already had tons of reading, but its not that bad. I enjoy reading. I guess this kind of writing is a form of rambling. When your thoughts kind of slow down, its hard to keep writing. You think that you should be thinking of something meaningful. Somthing that would inspire whoever reads this. Inspire or say something meaningful. Its hard to stand out in a place as big as this. With so many numbers you have to be somewhat unique. You can't be too unique or people will dismiss you as trying too hard, but at the same time you can't be ordinary. You have to find the median. The happy place you could say. Not only happy for you, but the place that gets you happy with others. You can't just sit back anymore and wait for somthing to happen. You have to make it happen. As clich'e as it sounds, its true. In the words of Mick Jagger and the Stones, You can't always get what you want. . You could say that they truly are wise old men. You can't always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, then you might find, you get what you need. Amen brother. Spoken by a true poet. I have always liked comedy in my writing. Not that everything is always funny, but it adds a sense of connection to the reader. I mean if someone laughs as they read, the work actually does something for them. If they simply sit and read words on a page, then it means nothing. It was a wasted tree. Often times the reader would rather look at a tree than read what is on the page. I by no means claim to be a great writer nor do I claim to make people laugh, I am simply claiming that I like to laugh as I read. I enjoy to read a sentence that makes me laugh out loud. If it makes you stand up and dance, well there you go brother welcome to the world of reading. It is a shame that I do not write as much as I used to. The Ideas are there, I just have not gotten them out yet. They will be there, it will just take time. I guess that is a premature assumption that the ideas will be there. My memory is not the greatest right now, at 19 years old. When I hit seventy or beyond, I can't wait until I have to write my name on my hand just to remember it. . | 1,580 |
0 | 1 | 0 | 1 | 0 | 10 | So the first week of school has begun and I am not ready at all! I already feel like I am loosing my mind. Which is not a good way to start off the school year. I am taking some interesting classes though with what seem like some pretty cool professors. First, I am taking CMS 306M, which is a speech class, and that doesn't seem like it will be too hard. Then I am taking ECO 304K with an amazing professor. I am very excited about this class but I have heard that it is a little difficult so I will definatly have to pay attention and study. I am also taking a geography class about weather and climate and my professor is Troy Kimmel-the weather man! So I am excited about that because he seems like a fun person! I am also taking EDP369K which is a community service class. We have to do community service every week for at least 4 hours. I think the professor sets us up with backgrounds that are unfamiliar to us and then we go to this business/place and get to experience those things that we normally wouldn't. This class should be interesting. I think it will really give a good perspective of what other people have to go through and it will help me not be so selfish. This class is just something I need to take. Finally, I am taking your PSY class which I am very excited about as well! Pennebaker seems very laid back and cool. With the music at the beginning of each class, etc. I don't know, I think I might surprise myself and acctually enjoy physcology (however that is spelled). I really need to catch up on my reading sometime soon. I am a sophomore so I am not as scared as I was last year. Last year I was very intimidated so I studied all the time and read every assignment that was passed my way-and in return I ended up with a 3. 888 (which my parents are enthused about!) But this year I am not as intimidated, so that could either be a good thing or a bad thing. I just really need to get out of the summer mode where I go out every night and do nothing but work and party. I need to calm down and study/read a bit more than I am now. I think I will be okay though because school has only been in session for a few days. So hopefully Ill get my act together soon. Anyway, on a lighter note tonight was our first Chapter Meeting. That's right, I am in a sorority-Alpha Chi Omega-and I love it! We just went through RUSH where we got all of our new members and they are absolutly amazing. My little Alpha Sis is the sweetest most cool girl ever! She knows how to control her school work but she also knows how to have a good time! I just love her. Next week we get our Chi Sis' and then a few weeks after that we get our Omega Sis' then at the end of that we get to chooose our Lil' Sis'-which will be ours for the rest of our college years. So this semester should be very exciting! This year I am living in the AXO house with my pledge class of '03 and I wasn't so sure about it last year but I really love it! I am getting to know my Pledge Class SO much better which really brings us closer and actually gives me the pride of calling them my sisters-however corny that may sound! Haha. Anywho, we have a date dash on Thursday and I am not sure which boy to take! haha. I always seem to have boy problems. But o well, that's all part of being a college student (I guess). Anywho, there is this one boy who is a Sigma Chi and is halarious and so much fun to be around. And really cute but then there is a Wrangler whos name is Matt who I kind of talked to last semester. He use to be our house boy and we even went on a date earlier before school started. Well even though he may be good to look at he really doesn't have much of a personality! Which really sucks. I think he's just really shy or something but he always mumbles and doesn't have a whole lotta interesting things to say. I mean, don't get me wrong he is a super sweet guy and I tottally trust him. And he's 21 (haha). But I can't help it if I am not attracted to someone. I mean in reality personality is everything even if this guy is amazing to look at. But in a way I feel like I owe it to him to invite him to our date dash. But then again I don't want to lead him on and then "break" his heart. Because that's just cruel! Okay, then there is another guy who reminds me of my ex-boyfriend (but in a good way). He is super cute and very interesting. I think I could hold several very interesting/intelligent conversations with him. I think he could teach me a lot about life in general. Anywho, my sweetmate introduced me to him and she really wants me to take him to this Date Dash and I would LOVe to go with him but I feel like I owe it to these other guys, that I have been spending more time with. So right now I am a very confussed person-and considering it is Monday night I kind of need to make up my mind really fast. Okay, so there's the Sigma Chi-names Forest-who is one of those guys that is supper fun but not long-term quality. Then there's Matt-the Wrangler-who is so nice but I would feel quilty leading him on by inviting him. Then there is Ryan who is someone I look very much foward to getting to know better. So we shall see how things go. I know everything happens for a reason so I will just follow my heart now and either way things will work themselves out! Right?? Well, I have now been typing non-stop for 18 minutes. I guess I had a lot to get off of my cheast. This is a good assignment because it always us to do what we should do every day. just let it all out! Haha, good idea! O yeah, I tried signing up for an experiment project but then I realized I signed up for the wrong day so I hope that doesn't affect my grade. Whopps! O well, there's nothing I can do about that now. This weekend is our first home football game which I am very excited about! We play North Texas and we should whopp some beee-hind! I can't wait~ | 2,399 |
1 | 0 | 1 | 1 | 1 | 23 | stream of consciousness, I don't even know how to spell the word, god my roommate is so retarded. she is so fat. if I get fat because of all the junk food ill be real angry. god I can't type. this is so retarded. I really like the song. damn I have to go to the bath room and its only been like 3 minutes porbaqbly less, there I dammit go again, can't type. uggghhh the stupid computer guy didnt call back about my computer, stupid flirt oh yeah he can flirt and try and act all cool with me and my roommate but can't even get my computer back before my assignment is due. I hate using other peoples computers it just doenst feel the same and I really don't like typing on lap tops. I like my computer, it feel comfortable, I feel so weird at my own personal computer in college doing college stuff. although I am reall glad I don't have to write any papers. I'm pretty damn good at writting but I hate the effort that you have to put into it. my papers have to be perfect, each word percisely chosen, but then that is the point of most papers I mean all the really good writters specifically choose they're words to convey a point. I really have to go to the bathroom, but my god damn roommate has a guy over and the bathroom is right next to her room, I mean how akward is that. I have a problem going when its just girls. I have a dg meeting no a retreat at five 15 can't wait I really am beginnig to like being a dg although I don't know where ill get the money to pay for this but I worry about that later, I always get around things that I want, although I didnt get into the sor that I wanted I mean out of 5 I didn't get either, I just didnt realize how incredibly hard is is to get into the good ones, I just wish I knew why I was rejected at some of them. and I am really really bothered by the fact that this is so final I mean for life, I can't go back and try to fix things or change things. that's what's really bothering me, I can't seem to be in charge. I really wanted to be on crew really bad, I looks so fun and I love water, but the practices are so early I mean 5 and 6 in the morning, that's like the middle of the night for me. I got home at 2 and would have only got 3 hours of sleep if I wanted to go to try outs, and since I can't go to the practice tomarrow I am pretty sure thqat I can't do it, there's always next year, I guess its all for the best, I mean I will have a chance to get my footing and get adjusted, I don't want to be to heavily involved my first semester and being in a sorority takes up so much of my time. god I just really want to meet some hot guy and make really close friends, I know I'm supposed to give it time but I have been so severly disappointed since I have been here. I didnt get the chance I wanted to be in the in the really cool top sors and live-- had to go to the bathroom much better. I guess I'm happy I mean I just have such high expectations for myself, ilways want to appear to very cool to everyone else, I guess other's opinions really do matter and I know that isn't what is going to make me happy yes like with jas. jazz I really fucked up that one, all I could think was will I be cooll with this guy next year, not if I was happy or if I liked him as a person and when I realized what he meant to me it was too late. and then there's also the fact that after we got in that little fight I cuouldnt do anything about it. just wait for him to call or not call, I couldnt fix it. even after I went down there I wanted to make him see I was sorry and that I could be and was everything he wanted. I can get so messed up sometimes. I don't give people a chance because I don't perceive them as what other's would perceive as cool soes that make sense well to me it does. why am I so obsessed with society standards, I guess that 's I why I have never really be that happy or had a really super good best friend. to worried about what other people will think or say when they see me. I want to be proud like all the other girls and I don't see why they get to have everything. I mean they can be cold hearted bitches an dback stabbers, everything bad, but they'll have popularity, hot guys tons of people dying to be their friends, but me typically very nive and loyal doesn't ever get any of that, or maybe I do but just not they way I want. I always want what other people have or I can't get. more writting but I kkinda ran out of topics running why do I have to run so much and eat so little I'm mean I have a serious problem with wieght gain, I can't loose the pounds and I seriously feel like cruying because my legs are so thick. I mean I work out and I'm trying to more and have seriously cut back on my this song sucks how much longer, I guess its ok I don't want to take off my ursuline ring its part of who I am, I think its cute that I still wear it. i had a good time at ursuline it was only this summer that I got dicked over. I don't know what the deal is with andrea but the has some serious issues, she needs to grow up or get a life. I mean she just takes me for granted so much and now she's doing it to my roommate and I don't like it, I thought for once I would be able to get heroutof my life but it doesn't look that way, its like she doenst respect my friendship at all, she really doenst respect anyone, she is a conceited spoiled brat. I need to brush my teeth oh hey look I'm done | 1,012 |
1 | 0 | 1 | 1 | 0 | 22 | I was thinking about college and all the stuff that comes with it. college will be so hard yet so easy, i wonder how i will control myself. i don't want the fun factor to totally overrule the work factor. but then again, the classes seem pretty fun and not so hard. yet again, it has also only been a week of classes, so i could be sorely mistaken. we will just have to see what happens as time unfolds. i'm also a little worried because i have a boyfriend that goes to stephen f. austin state university, and driving distance that is 3 and 1/2 hours away!! how will i manage this?? we have been together for over a year and a half, so i can't just throw the relationship away, he means a lot to me. what do i do?? i guess i will give it time and see what happens. college is a lot to handle, and managing it all with a long-distance boyfriend is not easy. i don't know what i'm getting myself into. i'm also really pissed that i decided to stay at dobie, because after visiting friends in towers today i realized how much better it is, and what i rip off dobie is. the food sucks!! it drives me insane how bad it is and what a rip off everything is. towers is way better. i'm just glad that i'm rooming with my great friend shara in a badass apartment next year. yay!! we'll have our own rooms and all we'll have to do is take a short bus trip to campus every day. not that bad. plus we'll be more familiar with campus and won't get so lost, as i do here constantly. but it is my first year after all, so it can't be that bad. i'm also kind of nervous about my freshman seminar class, it sounds so ridiculously hard! a lot of writing and sharing your feelings, and all that stuff. i had to read like 15 pages just on how to listen correctly to other people. i'm 18 years old! i know how to listen! this is not kindergarten. it just makes me so mad. i'm really glad i met my friend shara, i knew her slightly my senior year in high school so we come from the same background and have a lot to relate to. i've gotten to know her so well these past 2 weeks that i feel like i've known her all my life! she's such a great girl. i like how she does not hesitate to compliment her friends for ANYTHING. great character trait to have. and i'm glad about all the parties that are here in austin, and the unique culture. walking around even with a friend at night is a little scary though, but i'll never walk by myself anyway so it's all good. and i love the music scene. i'm afraid i'll go too shopping-crazy though because urban outfitters is so readily available down the street and back home in houston it was like miles away towards downtown. i'm obsessed with spongebob! i have three spongebob squarepants posters on my wall in my dorm room, and i have spongebob band-aids. he's so cute! and the show is hilarious, totally my type of humor. i have the dvd as well, is that scary or what?? and you know what makes me mad? i got a heat rash here a few days after i moved in! that sucks! why here of all places? i think houston is MUCH hotter just because of the huge humidity factor. but NO i get a heat rash here. sucks. at least it's not visible, it's only little bumps you can barely feel. AND i got a popped blood vessel in MY EYE. what more could possibly go wrong? i guess a lot but it's so much to handle right when i get there! makes me so self conscious! i guess that's a psychology topic--why people get self-conscious. interesting topic. i would like to talk about it sometime in class. i think when i'm done with this i will do some physics problems and then just watch zoolander on dvd or something. yay. i'm so glad i have a tv, vcr, and dvd player! my room is totally pimped out, how great is that. i feel so exhausted. walking isn't easy in this heat, no matter what time of the day it is. i'm actually getting really hungry. i might fix myself a peanut butter sandwich. crunchy, but of course, what else? crunchy is the way to go. should i feel guilty about making plans to go to a party on a thursday night? is that bad? i don't really think so, seeing as on fridays i have only one 1 hour class from 12-1. wow that was a lot of 1s. god i'm so hungry, is this thing over yet? my hands are shaking. need food. aagh. peanut. butter. crunchy. does it matter if i'm coherent or not? it's just that when i get hungry, WHAM it hits me like a train and i get all hungry and can't help it. oh well. i hope this thing was entertaining for you, or whoever is reading this thing. i'm glad i got this over with early. yay im done. | 1,781 |
0 | 1 | 1 | 1 | 0 | 14 | Dr. Pepper. my brothers girlfriend wants me to get her one OU tickets. . i was angry about them but now theres a solitude about me and I've accepted that i can't go and get in for sure so i might just have to throw a party here. university federal credit union. why hasnt my check and cash card come in yet? its very confusing tuna fish. amanda just sang a tuna song cory morrow. . wondering if i can go to teh concert tonight or if i might just sleep since i didnt sleep uch last night my friend katey. . i havent talked to her in a while and she just instant messaged me the love of my life. its a name my friend cecily and i gave each other. i need to call her and talk to her because she called me during class today and said she was feeling bad because of an accident she was in or something. i need an update my friend nicole got really mad at adam today amd i told her i would call her just to talk horses. the computer just made a horse sound screaming infidelities. dashboard confessional song i just listened to OU tickets. . once again my friend abby. shes having a rough time lately and i want to do something to help but i can't think of anything right now ashlee. my real good friend (perhaps my best friend) is in abilene in school there. and i miss her alot. haha. i called her yesterday and her phone went off in the middle of a church service and she said it was really embarassing basketball. am i going to play tonight? who will i play with? can't decide whether or not im going football-virginia tech plays marshall toniht and i really want to watch taht game san marcos-my very good friend is there and he says he never does anything with people and i wish he would because hes a really great person im tired movies-i downloaded movies on my computer so i don't have to pay an outrageous fee to view them my dad-he called earlier this morning and said he might come fix the AC (its leaking) and i don't know if hes going to come becuae i called him back and he didnt answer movies. . again. which one should amanda watch? boondock saints-great movie psychology and having to have this turned in by 5 o'clock on friday and how long that survey was for pretesting. i almost shot the computer becuase it just kept going and going loving someone forever and ever (lyrics to screaming infidelitites) bless me. i sneezed hoping i didnt miss anything in philosophy when i fell asleep today missing a bunch of my friends from high school and anticipating seeing their faces again how to burn a movie onto a dvd. its complicated dazed and confused. good movie watchign signs. wonder if thats a good movie my friend scott. he told me he already did this and that he tried to explain himself talking to my dad on the phone and telling him about the OU draw and how much i don't like deloss dodds calculus. im doing good on quizzes dating a girl. my dad gives me a hard time with it. amandas job to set up a girl with me. haha sponge bob square pants. great show the draw for a&m. im already looking forward to getting tickets to that game but ill probably be shot down again. ouch WTF (stands for what the ________) a joke my friends and i say whenever something we don't want to happen happens. . thinking about OU made me think that train. the music group. i think i hear them on TV i sneezed again. . got to call cecily. dotn forget | 1,565 |
1 | 1 | 1 | 1 | 0 | 30 | WELL I GUESS I CAN START WITH MY DREAM LAST NIGHT SINCE THAT IS WHAT I'VE BEEN THINKING ABOUT ALL DAY. it WAS SO CRAZY. I had a dream that I was sitting on the couch in my room and talking with a friend when all of a sudden there is a knock at the door. I open the door and it is a dark figure, like a person, but the lighting in my apartment was that of the time of day that dusk sets in. Well she walks I and covers my mouth and lays me down on the floor and holds me with all force while she is chanting some mysterious chant in my ear. I don't know what she was saying but at that point I wake up in my dream as I'm struggling to move my body. I couldn't move until I realized I was out of my dream, which was maybe 3 seconds later. How creepy is that. When I woke up the chant was repeating in my head for like 10 seconds and then I completely forgot it. I don't know what that was about but it seems to me that it has to do with someone putting a spell on me. I've felt ghosts before but I never felt a bad sense coming from them. Weird. I always wonder what dreams are really supposed to mean. I mean people can buy dream books all they want but what are the chances of those interpretations being the same for all of us? I am a little worried about that but I haven't really been a bad person in the past with anyone. That I can think of. Oh well. Anyways I have to really buckle down today and do some serious studying if I want to enjoy the weekend like I should. Hopefully I will be studying on the beach Saturday night. Not that the South Padre beach ids that beautiful. After going to Cancun for a week though I guess its hard to actually top that beach. That was the best time I believe in my life so far. It is good to know that I will be going on many more trips like that considering how easy it was to plan that trip. Saving the money was super hard but I feel like if I really want to do something I am capable of making that happen. I hope this weekend is as good as last weekend. I am going back to San Antonio to see my family since it has been two weeks since my last visit. I really love the night life over here though. Maybe because everything is so new over here and I really love change period. I am not scared to completely change my patterns in friendships and relationships for that matter. I came over here knowing 3 people in the whole city. Now I know just a few more but the possibility of me meeting so many more is very high on the scale. I really miss my best friend a lot though. Her and I hung out all summer together, and all last year in school for that matter. She was all I needed and I was the same for her. Now we are spirited and she's getting back with her boyfriend and will probably end up married with children. Its a sad world when you see people you love so dependant on the wrong things at the wrong time. Her relationship with that boy is so lame. Thank god I have no time for stuff like that right now. I cannot relate to her attachment to him and would love to keep it that way for a really long time. Hopefully she will snap out of it though and realize that her whole life is ahead of her. Man. This is a really long time to be typing straight on the computer. Everyone around me is getting annoyed by how much I am typing. They keep staring at me, then the screen and back to me. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Lets see well I've been trying to explore the campus and look for spots to study that no one can find. But unfortunately there are too many damn students in this place to accomplish that goal. This Life Sciences Library is really nice. I think its the high ceilings that make me feel so comfortable in here. There are always open computers in here as well. Well my time is almost up. My experience in the psy class is very important to me considering I want to be a psychiatrist one day. | 2,327 |
0 | 0 | 1 | 0 | 1 | 5 | I thought the whole thing was ridiculous. Most of the questions were so obvious. I was getting frustrated at how dumb some of those questions were getting. They might as well be asking us to recite the alphabet. I can understand wanting our opinions about things, but they should have reworded their questions. Some of those questions made my roommate and I feel kind of stupid to be answering them. Anyway, right now I actually have a lot of things on my mind. I'm homesick, concerned about my classes, and excited about college all at once. I'm adjusting quite well to such a big change in my life. At first, I was constantly lost, frustrated, and worried, but I'm doing much better now that I've met so many people and overcome so many of my fears. I'm not sure what else to write, but I'll continue simply because it hasn't been 20 minutes. I'm loving UT right now, and I'm definitely glad I came here. My roommate and I get along great. We have a lot in common. We just work so well together. | 572 |
0 | 0 | 0 | 1 | 0 | 2 | Well, I suppose one of the first things that enter into my mind are why in the world did I wait this long to get assignments like this done. I always put a lot of unneccesary pressure on myself by putting these things off. I haven't been doing in college so far, but I know if I was more productive with my time I'd be better off. That and money. I haven't been very good with money lately. Oh, I have plenty to live on, but I spend a LOT of money on things I simply don't need. I also tend to spend money unwisely, like buying things somewhere when I KNOW I can get them somewhere else much cheaper, but I buy it anyways because it's there and convenient. I don't have any income right now eithher, I need a work-study job, but that shouldn't be too hard. I've already paid my rent for the semester, and so a job should cover my phone bill and other little living expenses just fine. I've got some more money coming in for doing webpages for other people, too. The unfortunate thing is, it's getting to a point where it's almost a home-run business, and I'm beginning to worry about whethter or not taxes become an issue. I hate filling out forms, much less loads of tax forms. I'm only 18, and it's a thing I do on the side to make extra money, and I don't know if I should be concerned with such a thing as business tax forms and accounting. I've only done three small commerical webpages . . I don't know if that excuses me from anything. I need to talk to some expert about that. Money is no object to me, in the end, though. That's probably why I'm so careless about most of it. I have been keeping a pretty tight track of it, though, just to make sure I don't go broke. I'm looking at buying a computer, and I think I have just enough. My work study job then could easily cover my little living expenses. I also spend a good bit on music, which is something I'm really into. Not music in general, mind you, but just the stuff I listen too. A lot of it is fairly obscure . . I'm not even talking about rock obscure or grunge obscure or world music obscure. I listen to a good bit of forgotten artist's stuff, like albums they release after they've had their heydey - which is usually in the 80s. I listen to music basically all the time. My roommate has actually been pretty cool about me playing the music all the time, sometimes I wonder if he minds, but I don't think he does. We have a guitar in our room, and it's my roommate's. He doesn't play it too often, only a bit now and then. He's decent. I don't know anything, though. I'm not muscially inclined, personally, in any way. I don't sing or play any insturments, though I wish I did. Something like keyboards or drums would be cool, but I've been learning to apprecaite the guitar more. I like to hear guitarists who make them sing and make distinct sounds than the heavy clunky stuff most grunge-rock-alternative bands make. Steve Hackett, when he was a guitarist for Genesis way back when, is a great example. I heard somewhere that he would try to make the guitar sound more synthesized, and as a result, he played some interesting solos. He made the band sound a little more Floyd-ish I guess. Still, that's the kind of guitar I'd like to learn to play. Acoustic riffs would be neat to learn, too. The keyboards would be tough, but I'd think the most fun to play could be the drums. Drummers have a lot of different styles, I've noticed. I wouldn't leanr to play really fast and make a lot of noise, I would want to learn how to play perfectly timed melodic noises - stuff that doesn't take just speed, but lots of skill, too. I don't know how most bands play it now a days, but drums don't always particularly stand out in some songs now a days, but I guess a lot of them don't hold that as important. When Phil Collins was drummer for Genesis, the drums had moments in the songs when they really stood out. Not because they were loud, neccessarily, but because they were different with what you usually heard. They didn't go along with the song, they would almost LEAD the song. Really, though, all of the members of the band Genesis make it such a great band, which if you haven't caught on by now, is my favorite band. I'm getting a little tired and I have lot more reading and some homework to do. Tomorrow is Monday and classes start up again. Fun. | 827 |
0 | 0 | 0 | 0 | 0 | 0 | Hi, well. I'll start out by introducing myself. My name is Christina Acevedo. I am a Freshman here at The University of Texas. Just recently i got off the phone with my girlfriend. aahhh. i love her soo much. We have been together for 4 years and 8 months already. Except, just two nights ago we had a little argument, or should I say miscommunication . She told me some things that I really didn't enjoy hearing, and of course, I got upset. and reacted. At that point I didn't really feel like talking to her the rest of the night, or even the next day. But I fell asleep thinking about it. Which wasn't really smart because it made me even more mad. So, that morning I woke up at 8:00 AM to go to my first class. It was one of my farthest classes, so of course I had more time to think. After that class, I came home and wrote her an e-mail. I was so confused and I had so many mixed feelings towards her. I wasn't sure what was going on. Just that I loved her and that I still wanted to be with her. Well, needless to say, we talked about it afterwards. and of course, we're still together. THANK GOD!! :) So everything is going really well right now. And I'm glad because we don't live in the same city either, so its not that easy. I come here to UT and she goes to A&M in College Station. And I have to admit, long distance relationships suck, but when it comes down to those one or two or three weekends out of the month that you get to see each other, they're great! And I guess that's it for that subject. Right now I'm watching Shop Til You Drop. I remember watching this show and Supermarket Sweet a really long time ago. So, they're probably all reruns. Right after I get through with this I am going to go downstairs and have dinner. I'm pretty hungry even though I just had a couple of snacks up here in my dorm. I live at The Castilian. It is really a neat place. And it is a convenient location for me because my classes don't seem to be so far. My parents didn't let me bring my car over here to Austin my first year. I was pretty bummed out about that, but I wouldn't have used it to drive to school anyway. It would be parked here in the Castilian's garage, which by the way, costs $900 for the two semesters. Although, it would come a lot in handy on the weekends when I wanted to go out and hang out with my friends, or to go and visit my girlfriend in College Station. Speaking of which, I saw her this past weekend. (labor day weekend). Me and a friend of mine left here on Saturday morning, it took us about an hour and a half to get there, and then we drove back and partied here. It was a blast! Although my girlfriend got a little carried away drinking and ended up throwing up for some of the night. But it was ok because she was really fun before we went to bed. We also tried going to a club called BOYZ CELLAR, but my friend (Robyn), the one who picked me up, is 17. So they didn't let her in because you have to be 18, so of course, none of us went in. That pretty much sucked because I was really looking forward to that. I guess we'll just wait for another good weekend and we'll all go because her birthday just so happens to be about two weeks from now. And now about school. Let me tell you, the classes here at UT are not going to be anything easy, thats for sure. I am taking 6 classes (15 hours). I am trying to major in Biology, but. my strong point is absolutely not Biology. And thats because this semester I am taking Biology 211, Biology 212, Chemistry 301, Calculus 408K, Cardiovascular and weight training, and of course, Psychology with you. So, I'm looking forward to a pretty tough semester. I just know that I have to study a lot and listen in class and take good notes and hopefully everything will go my way. I don't really want to start off bad because it is not a good impression on the professors or anybody who is looking for someone to fill a job opening. My goals for the future would have to be that I want to live with my girlfriend, somewhere VERY NICE. And I want to be someone that makes pretty good money. And I want to have a couple of pets. Not too many. And I know that my girlfriend wants A LOT. she probably has been planning some part of her future in her mind. Like, at least what kind of house she wants, or something of that sort. I mean, she already has the exact ring that she wants when she gets married. She wants it to be white gold, with a big ROCK on it. Sounds pretty simple, doesn't it?! :) So yeah. and. well, I think my parents are going to come up and visit soon. I really didn't want them to come up here, I'd rather go down there. because I think that maybe I would feel awkward having my entire family in my dorm for a while. And then hanging out with them here on the weekend. I think I would be too tempted to just be like, ok. well, I'll see you tomorrow afternoon, and go out to a club or something. But, well. that's all for now. I can't really think of anything else to type. My mind has totally gone blank. I have typed everything that I am thinking and maybe even EVERYTHING that I have thought about the entire day. Well maybe a few exceptions. And the time and minutes on top don't seem to be moving at all. I don't know exactly how much time I have left to type. But the twenty minutes have seemed to go by pretty fast. | 1,862 |
1 | 1 | 1 | 0 | 1 | 29 | I'm curious to know whether or not there is or isn't a timer in this program and if it were possible to just quit typing and claim that 20 minutes have passed. My thoughts and emotions concern my future and what I'm going to do. Do I really want to be a psychology major or am I just saying that because it sounds cool. I want to counsel, but id really like to make a ton of money. Maybe everyone is right, I should be a business major, that's what everyone else is doing. But I don't want to deal with that crap for the rest of my life. I think its boring and stupid. The future is such a difficult concept to ponder. Sometimes I have different goals for it. should I try to satisfy myself, friends or family? I mean it when I tell my friends that I want to be a professional wrestler, it looks so stinking fun. Just jumping around and bad acting. Well, an acting career would be nice too, but I'm to shy and insecure for that. I think I could do it, but I wouldn't want to associate myself with the thespian weirdoes. I don't think id be able to be my best if I had a problem fitting in with weirdoes. Maybe I'm the weirdo. nah. probably not. I may be stereotyping them, but, hey, they're weird man. I've seen the way they act. They put the stereotype on themselves. I'm sure there's a couple nice ones though. I wonder if all the famous actors were at one time like that. My mind just drifted to Tricia. She sent me a message saying that she had a couple of dates this past weekend. I wonder how true that is. Of course its true, but its weird how she never dated in high school and then all of a sudden at A&M she's a hot item. I still think about that monster crush I had on her my sophomore yr. I wonder if she liked me too. Everyone thought she did. But I never had the balls to find out for myself. I'm going to regret that for the rest of my life. I'm such a fucking pussy. The same thing last yr. If I had the balls, I think I could have got something started with Erica at Baylor. Instead, now, we're just good friends. I could have used some support too. But that fucking Ray would have been too jealous if Erica and I got something started. That prick, I think he could've hooked me up with Courtney too. But he needed her, if not, who would he use to cheat on his girlfriend??? Then her roommate, Darla, man, she's such a little bitch. The thing is, she's not even pretty man. Its okay to be snobby and bitchy if your hot, but she was an ugly little girl, with nothing to show for herself. Amazing how she was dating all the time. Then her fucking attitude about how she has the perfect mate in mind, but wants to date, because its part of the college experience. Ray thought like that too. That's such a fucking crock man. As Christians they shouldn't be thinking like that. if this almighty god already picked out the perfect mate for them, there is no reason for them to date around to have fun. They love justifying things. There is something wrong with what your doing fi you have to justify it man. And then ray went to that Mexico trip to witness to a bunch of poverty stricken Mexicans. Its funny how he couldn't convert me to Christianity in 9 months, but he thinks he can do a whole Mexican community within a couple of weeks. I guess its easier when you feed them and shit. talk about taking advantage of people. Why don't these gung-ho Christians go witness to the people who really "need Jesus" They should make mission trips to Washington D. C. and talk to the politicians. they're the fucking sinners man. and the business people too. they're the ones fucking this world up. working for Satan. They don't want to witness to them because they're smarter than them, and they can't find a way to take advantage of them. Christianity is fucked up sometimes. Sometimes I feel like a hypocrite for going to CBS, but if I didn't I wouldn't know anyone. They're nice and I enjoy being there. But most people there have less of a commitment to god than I do, so oh well. I'm glad I'm at UT though. its way better than Baylor, god, I used to get so depressed there. but I'm proud of myself, I toughed out that bullshit. I miss a lot of the guys though. It was a different sort of friendship, but it was cool. I still wonder if I would've stayed if my 1st semester was like the 2nd. but then again I was about to go crazy towards the end. Jesse and Miguel. and big John almost killed me!! I hope I date here. I think that's all I need to be happy. a good woman. I'd like to have what lijay has, or anything really. I think I'm the only one in our click rite now without someone to "talk to". times up. . | 371 |
1 | 1 | 1 | 1 | 0 | 30 | it might be a good idea to join a coed frat for engineers because then maybe I will get some studying done and actually get help on my calculus from someone who knows more than I do. a bagel sounds good right now since I haven't eaten lunch yet, but not will jelly, I think I will have philly cheese instead. this place is a mess, if my roommates leave anymore of their curlers and hairdryers on the floor when I get home, I think I will have a cow. that's okay, they are great roommates, they always do the dishes and for the more part are considerate of my belongings. here on out I am going to eat healthier and exercise a bite more than I have been lately. I hope by me playing more racquetball lately will not effect my previous tennis skills. rob will die if I do get better because he hates to loss. that would be so funny if I could kick his butt in racquetball, but then he would be pretty upset. although I think I can relate to his family more than I can to him. his head is in the clouds will all of that philosophy he reads. I can't understand why someone would pick a worthless major like philosophy when all you can do is write a book or teach. why not do something with your life which you can apply and gain new knowledge from. besides I think everyone should have to take philosophy, because there are basic ideas everyone should just know, but not to major in. my roommates are home, I have to close my door. they are so loud, I think I suppose to cook tonight, looks like I need to go to the grocery. I think chicken, pasta, and some kind of bread, oh yeah, and a salad of some sort will be good tonight. I need to make sure they eat something later so lessen the affects alcohol will have on their bodies. I am so sick of drunk people anyways. all of those girls that came by last night, were all drunk by the end of that crappy box wine. anyways, it is gorgeous outside, I hope to find time to swim in the pool I haven't yet been in, I feel like I live in a resort living here, we have everything. I have a great life. I live two of the most wonderful people, I have a family who completely supports me and a boyfriend and school and everything. the little things in life for the most part I enjoy and I having freedom, enough to make any grateful person happy. and even if I don't have all these things, there is plenty to be grateful for. too many good things, great food, great wine and genuine love. although these enjoyments wouldn't be the same with the not so enjoyable things. I love life, no destination, just a journey and one that you can turn in any direction you want. life is what you want it to be. but I don't want to get caught up in idealistic idea, but should keep my feet on the. my roommate came in, no thank you. what was I thinking, oh yes. keep my feet on the ground by also being realistic, and many think that being realistic is the same idea as being pessimistic, I differ. maybe those are the people who are actually | 1,948 |
0 | 1 | 1 | 1 | 0 | 14 | Hey, well, I am really very nervous, writing down all of my thoughts and feelings on this computer and not in my own personal journal. Because, atleast there I know I will be the only one reading it. But I guess I 'll start writing about what I really have on my mind. My boyfriend and best friend just took off on a long truck ride back home, which is about six and half hours away. They (Jeremiah and Lauren) came to visit this weekend and even though they have only been gone for an hour and fifteen minutes I miss them like crazy! Jeremiah means everything to me and I can't stand the thought of him being five hundred miles away. But then again I decided to come to Texas and not to Tech. Right? Well, that is one thing that is bothering me, the other thing eating away at me is that my new step-mother, who is only four years older than me, is causing some major problems back at home. And on that note it really ticks me off that as soon as I left home she has been on a rampage and really screwing up everything. I feel really helpless because I am over here in Austin and I can't help my sister or my dad go through their problems. I usually stuck up for them when I was home and now I just get to hear about them over the telephone. Which is even more bad because they may or may not be telling me the whole story. I know my dad can handle it but its my kid sister I'm worried about. Jessica, my step mom is such a pain. She is very very, immature for her age and I saw this coming the whole time. I just wish my dad did so he doesn't have to be going thru this right now. I really miss home. I even miss my dog, Homie. I bet he feels like I abandoned him. I was the only one who paid attention to him, but I hope Emily is taking good care of him now. I've only been in school for two weeks and it feels like it should already be november. Sounds pathetic, right? I'm wondering if this was the right decision. I sure hope so. I am a firm believer that God will never give me something that I could not handle by myself. So I just have to take this with a grain of salt and leave it at that. I just wish it was as easy as that. Gosh now it has been one hour and twenty minutes since Jeremiah has left. I keep looking at the clock like he is fixing to get here instead of him being on his way back home. We have become closer ever since I moved. It seems weird saying that but I really mean it. We actually have conversations on the phone, we talk on the internet, and when we see each other it feels like it did when we first started going out, four years ago! It feels great. I love him and I can honestly say that I will marry him one day. Heck, I'd marry him tomorrow if he asked me. He is my best friend and I can tell him anything. He is smart and funny and really good looking. Better yet, he is perfect. He has never cheated on me and always makes me feel like a queen. Sometimes I'm not sure if I deserve him. But I do love him and I always will. It still feels like I'm writing in my diary, although if I was I wouldn't be as consious about typos and mispelled words! I really like this assignment though, it sure beats the chemistry homework I really should be doing right now. I hate chemistry. I hate homework! But it has to be done, right? I often wonder what would happen if I just said to heck with it all and quit. My family would freak. They are so by the book. If anyone was to go out of the norm their whole world collapse. I hope I'm not like that to my kids. I want to be different. I want to make a difference not wait for someone to do it and then say hey I helped them get there. I want to be the one to do something, something special. I just figure out what. I just know that whatever it is Jeremiah is there with me when I do it. You know what? Its hard to type when your nose is running! But I'm almost out of time so I'll keep on typing. I can do it, I can do it! Ha, ha thats kind of funny. Speaking of funny isnt if funny how when your onthe internet you mispell words on purpose and here I am trying really hard not to misspell anything, even when it doesn't matter if the words are mispelled or not. That is bizarre. Remember that song How Bizarre I hated it but Jeremiah always sang it and it drove me crazy. Thats funny | 1,813 |
0 | 0 | 0 | 0 | 0 | 0 | I got to pee. I don't know how long I can hold it. Maybe I should of went to the restroom before I started this thing. Oh well, it's all good. Man my neck is still sore from lifting weights on Tuesday, and I need to lift again today, I really need to stop being lazy so I can get strong and get in shape. I hope I can get notes from the class I missed today, that's already been twice I missed the same class and we have only been in school for less than 2 weeks. Man I really need to start picking it up. It don't make any sense to send in a transcript for a scholarship when my transcript doesn't exist at this school yet. What am I supposed to do? Also transcripts are $10 a piece plus a $1. 75 if you use a credit card. It's stupid. Man my hands are starting to hurt, 20 minutes is a lot longer than I thought. I need to figure out something to do on Saturday, I mean this is Austin plenty to do, but choosing what to do is kind of hard especially when you don't have any money. I am getting tired, about to fall asleep after I finish this, but I got to do that math homework so I don't have to worry about it later. I just heard a weird sound, I think it was my stomach but I just ate so it can't be that I am hungry, maybe it is just digesting some food. Oh man another 10 minutes to go, they should have shortened these writing assignments to 10 minutes when I would be done by now. Ha ha ha, that's pretty funny, ha ha ha. I wonder what they are going to think of my thoughts, it can't be that bad, but what was up with that pre testing for the experiment requirement, it took forever and a day. Man I wish this school were closer to my home back in El Paso. I already kind of miss home, I think I might be homesick, but I haven't thrown up or cried so I am not sure. Man I still got to pee. I don't see how they say this school has the best looking girls compared to all other colleges, because I have only seen a few girls that are cute and few that are really cute, maybe I just haven't seen all of them in this gigantic school, I swear I am going to have strong ass legs by the time the semester is over from all this walking. Oh yea there is that girl that looks like Raven, now that girl looks good, I really need to stop being shy and talk to that girl. Who knows she might give me a chance, you never know. Then there is also that girl in math class, she is real cute too, but I have talked to her, but I need to get to know her better. What should I do tonight? I could play basketball in Gregory or volleyball downstairs here at Jester, so much to do so little time. I am almost done, then I can go pee, and go do my math homework in Jay & Jason's room since they have the book. That's stupid that you have to buy the Solutions Manual with the book, I just wanted a used book, but no they didn't have any. oh well it is cheaper to just use Jay's book when I need it, besides I only use it for homework anyways. Oh man this thing is over, and I really need to go to the bathroom. | 2,110 |
0 | 1 | 0 | 0 | 1 | 9 | I guess I won't be looking forward to this weekend. Why? I won't be going home. At least I'll be able to get some work done if I stay here. It's hard to concentrate at home because there are so many distractions. All I know is that I have to focus on my studies. This feels weird just babbling on. I don't even know where this is even heading. I feel like such a fool sitting here typing up things on this screen that don't even make sense. I'm stuck. Okay, never mind, I'll think of something to say. At least I should be happy that I was able to get access to this computer. Stuck again. It's amazing how when I'm asked to say things, I usually don't know what to say. This feels weird. Maybe the next time I do this, I should do it in a private place, so people won't be wondering what the heck I'm doing or constantly looking over at my screen to catch a glimpse of what it is I'm doing here. Who cares anyway. I can't believe have so much work to do when I get back. Forget about that for now. I'll deal with that later. I wish I wouldn't procrastinate sometimes. This assignment is so similar to the one that I had to do everyday in my high school sophomore English class. I couldn't believe all the things I had written. I think this guy sitting next to me is getting annoyed. He's making some sort of grunting sounds. Oh well, I guess he'll have to put up with it for another ten minutes. I'm so nervous about tomorrow. Going out to join the tennis club. I haven't played in awhile. I hope they have plenty of extra balls because they might be losing a few tomorrow. I need the exercise anyway. | 40 |
1 | 1 | 1 | 1 | 1 | 31 | ok so I'm doing this stream of consciousness writing thing and its a little weird, but then again I love to type and just let loose on the computer what my mind is thinking. so this is kind of fun. I just wish that my strep throat/tonsillitis would go away so that tomorrow (Thursday) I can do well in the challenge. and so that I can play well for the clarinet sectional Friday night, because I need to pass off the pregame music by memory and personally, I haven't memorized all of it yet. I guess it comes from being an alternate, because half the time we practiced pregame (which hasn't been much) I was forced to sit on the sidelines and watch. oh boy, don't I love watching. I really hate just sitting there as an alternate, because I feel like I'm a cheap addition to the band. like I wasn't quite good enough to deserve a marching spot. but on the flip side, they must think that I'm good enough because I'm expected to jump in on game day and march pregame if someone is sick, late, drunk, or too hungover to march. I feel bad for thinking this but I kind of want Kelvin's knee to keep him from marching on Saturday. maybe he'll have me march pregame for him, since taps stride is a lot more painful. I don't want to wish that pain on him, though, because he's a sweet guy and deserves to march every game. plus he's a 5th year and he doesn't have many more games left. thank god this room has finally warmed up. or maybe its because I put some pants on. do I smell smoke?? that wouldn't be good. Maybe Gina and I shouldn't leave the towels over the vent. even though it is blocking the freaking cold air from coming through. Oh my goodness this room is so cold in the morning!! holy cow you would think its January, not September! man, sleeping over at rustic's place last weekend was awesome. I was warm the entire night, and when I got hot I just kicked the covers off until I got cold. I guess the fact that I was wearing his pajama pants helped. no nothing happened. he's a really good guy. A Christian. his mom has a funny little story about premarital sex. it has to deal with a unicorn. Yeah I wont go into details. but it proves that he's a good guy. not to mention I spent both Friday and Saturday nights at his place. he didn't try a single thing! funny how dad thinks I trust guys too much, and make myself too 'available'. if only he knew me better, he would know that I'm VERY skeptical with guys. especially after so many of them lying to me. I'm sick of being cheated on and lied to, so I basically play hard to get. I don't think id consider it that, but I don't go easy on them. I'm not the stupid blonde you think I am. I really wish I was one or two steps up on the ladder. my whole life I felt like I wasn't quite good enough. I never won any student council positions, never quite made it to area band, made first chair wind last year on account of a new director but lost it the next semester, made alternate up here at UT, and wasn't elected as Newman representative. I don't understand it. I work my ass off to do the best I can, but that never seems to be good enough. why? my dad was valedictorian at his high school, and if I had good grades in elementary school where did the smarts go? why did I all of a sudden screw up math class in 7th grade? granted mrs glover refused to help me, and probably told me the wrong way to solve problems, but still. I did awesome in 8th grade prealgebra, and then algebra and geometry in high school. but once I hit algebra 2 and precal, shit hit the fan. I just hope I don't have to take calculus in college. but since I don't know what I want to do, I may have to. I really need to get that career test done. I've got to figure out what I want to do with myself by next semester. unless I stay in liberal arts, this whole semester has practically been a waste. not quite, because bio psy and band count (for nursing at least), but other than that. I don't know what I want to do. what do people do if they can't decide? take a lot of random classes I guess, but that's not me. I'm coming in with so many hours that I was hoping to graduate in 3 years. that way if I go to law school I can get in and out before I'm 30, ugly, and still single. I hope I meet someone up here. I'm not built to be single or to date for years to come. ahh nose needs to stop itching. why the heck do I have to be sick? I hate this! once hell week was done I got sick. yeah, that makes the first week of school start off real good. let me tell you. oh well. at least I did all the partying last weekend, before all the symptoms hit. and before my parents decided to come in. dangit! rustin has a kappa kappa psi thing at 8am Sunday morning, which means he probably wont party after the game Saturday night, which means I wont get to spend the night at his apartment because he wont be able to get up and take me back to my dorm at that obnoxious hour. oh but maybe after we paint his living room on Monday I could stay over. I don't have a class until 12:30 so that might work! jeez I'm a dork. I need to stop reading into things like this. the time will come when it decides to come. until then I got to sit back and watch things happen. oh look, I have 10 seconds left. dang | 2,281 |
0 | 0 | 0 | 1 | 0 | 2 | How necessary is sleep? The past few days, I have been going to morning swim practice and then my 8 A. M. classes. Is only four to five hours enough? I know that there are plenty of other students that are also recieving either this amount or even less. But is the amount of sleep affecting them to a certain degree, or can a person simply get use to it. Right now I am feeling somewhat tired, but know that I have enough homework to get done to stay awake and complete. Will all of this suddenly crash down on me, or will I get use to this kind of sleep cycle. Also I wonder if I am organized enough to do well in most of my classes, not just to barely. Are my notes as good as they should be or should I be taking more during class? I write down most of the important or interesting points that the professor comments on, but do I need more details in order to do well. The past few days I have recieved two different parking tickets, that I thought were unnecessary. I double checked all of the signs in the area, and even asked the front desk of my dorm, concerning that location. The signs indicated that I wasn't parked illegally, and the front desk said that it was perfectly alright to park there, if I could find a spot. But after two different parking tickets from the exact same spot, I guess I now have to pick a different location. I wonder though if the tickets will be able to be dismissed because of the lack of indication for this site. I wrote a couple of e-mails to try and appeal both tickets, but have recieved no word back. The front desk said that the people in that department would only drop one of the tickets, if either. This is mainly because of the lack of evidence that I have, which I think is incredibly stupid. | 1,698 |
1 | 0 | 1 | 0 | 0 | 20 | I wonder if the more you study the easier it becomes to study for longer periods of time, like a muscle becomes used to extended strenuous activity. . I met this great looking girl at a frat party the other night(I am a kappa sig. )and I asked her to go to the rice game with me, she said she would, I went to her dorm too. she is really nice and amazingly beautiful. about thirty minutes ago I saw her going up the elevator with another guy, I wonder constantly what she thinks about me or if she does at all. Not that I'm upset a great deal or anything, I mean I hang out with girls all the time that are just friends, maybe he was like that with her. I hope so, don't mean to sound obsessed. I actually prayed last night for the first time in a long time, it felt good, I mean I believe in God very strongly even though I don't live the perfect Christian life by a long shot, sometimes I feel bad about praying because of what do (Namely drugs and partying). deep down I know that God wants me to talk to him all the time but its like facing a nun when you're stoned. (personal experience). like looking unto something that's holy (or perfect) and knowing that you're heart and soul aren't really of any comparison to theirs. I even asked God to help me "get" this girl I like so much. seems a bit childish in some ways, but I think he will let happen what's best for me. College has been so overwhelming so far, I just seem to keep going with what's happening in classes and my obligations to the fraternity, I think if I slowed down, and had time to think I might become a little more anxious but so far I've coped alright, I'm a pretty laid back person, not too much gets to me. the key I think to dealing with transitions like this is having good friends, I've got this girl from back home that I hang out with a lot. she is very cool and down to earth and I respect her a lot because she respects herself, and she is willing to talk about anything, sometimes more than I'm comfortable with, but she seems to know when something is into my risk side of conversation. . | 620 |
1 | 1 | 1 | 0 | 1 | 29 | I didn't sleep at all last night and I'm barely making it through my day. I feel like a zombie, but hey what's new? I have an english paper due on Monday. I think I completely bombed the thesis. I guess I can always go back and change it. I'm tired, I can't think. that's a lie, of course I can. it will simply be rambling nonsensical jumble. and that counts too right? sure it does. I've been seeing this guy. he's about seven years older than I am, and that shouldn't be that big of a deal, but it's more of an age difference than anyone I've dated before. I can meet him on an itellectual level, conversation isn't lacking, there's physical attraction and the whole deal. so why am I so doubtful? I suppose because I'm paranoid about becoming an obnoxious needy stereotypical girl. Unfortunately I have been that to others in the past and refuse to ever play that part again. I'm so much stronger now, more confident and comfortable with myself as a person. Anyway, my point is I'm scared to let him know I'm sincerely intersted because I think it will freak him out and send him running in the other direction. I can make my intentions known without actually verbalizing my feelings. And I'm pretty sure at this time in the relationship- whatever time it might be- is too soon to bring up any of those concerns. Is he seeing anyone else? Does he care? Does he not want to hurt my feelings so he won't tell me he doesn't want to hang out? it's so ridiculous to hear myself think like this. basically I'm so afraid of rejection that I'm willing to do it myself, before anyone really gets the chance. I've dated a plethera of losers over the past year and I'm tired of not caring about anyone. anyone in that way I guess. yes I have friends and have plenty to do without a guy to entertain (that sounds really harsh- it is me that wants this. )but I miss that connection. I want to be in love again. but who doesn't? I suppose once I stop wanting it I'll find it. that's the way of the world sometimes. yeah but about him. it is what it is and if it doesn't work out than so be it. plenty of fish in the sea and all that. but he does have some potential. enough of this. it's making my head hurt. I don't like that my stream of consciousness has turned into more of a "dear diary" than anything else. I'm sitting in the student microcomputer facility among my fellow longhorns at the moment. I wonder how many of them are doing this assignment right now. maybe none. everyone's in their own little worlds. deep inside their thoughts or their research. everyone seems so disconnectced, though I suppose that's the point of this place. a quiet area to get work done, not social hour. I'm about to go to ecology evolution and society. I've been reading the assigned chapters, but I fear that I'm not actually retaining any of the information. I guess it will become quite apparent when I get my first test scores back. all I want to do here is to do well. it's the only reason I'm living in austin again, to continue my education. so that's what I aim to do. make the most out of the billion things I have to accomplish today. cross them off my list and get them out of the way in order to make room for all the new. life is pretty enjoyable when you don't let it drag you down with the minor negative aspects. so many people do that. drown in their own self pity and reamin miserable regardless. just smile sometimes, it really can make you feel better, and probably someone else as well. that's what I think, but this mind of mine is all over the place and never seems to rest. the end. my time is up. | 2,412 |
0 | 0 | 0 | 0 | 1 | 1 | god I can still remember it. the last time we did that was at our graduation party. one of our friends that night was a real bitch. the party even though their were 4 of us had to have it her way. but she is going to live ion McAllen for the rest of her life and of course the next time I will see her is when she is taking my fast food order I am so happy to be here the guys are a big improvement from where I'm am from tall and cute a real McAllen novelty. oh and the cafeteria guy is the best so far. this Friday I have instillation for apo. I hope I have a good guide. the person I liked left this week my friend still has her guy I had a good time at the football game although I had to relearn all the cheers I had a great time I finally got my disco ball to work I would love to put on some relaxing music and turn it on I could really use some me time right now I would love to have more than 10 minutes free at a time and more that twice in one day. of track roommate is here so the topic is toes my feet are retarded the littlest toe kind of curls under good the air just clicked on I really hope to have a good time this weekend I hope their is another party I had a great time this past weekend. the parties were a lot of fun is time up yet god I hate ok don't hate it but dislike it its playing right now and boy does it all sound the same only eight minutes left I wonder how my brother is its his first year in high school he didn't even get any of my teachers, he never does I hoped they would give him a hard time but no luck I am so tired yawn dinner was good haven't had micky d's in a while I tried not to eat today but finally had to take out the time to eat tomorrow should not be that long of a day I am going to relax and watch TV I need to go to Wal-Mart and get foot things for my shoes yawn I hope someday I get to check my mail soon we still have no either net god two weeks and nothing just trying to make time to do this is a big problem without a working computer. I hope I get to see the cute guy tomorrow I hope I don't fall asleep in arch and society two more minutes left my poor friend got grabbed by a guy today and I am proud to say she broke | 511 |
0 | 1 | 0 | 0 | 1 | 9 | Right now I am really hungry. I would go eat right now but I am going to run with the marathon team tonight. I ran cross country in high school and was pretty good but I did not run during the summer. Lets hope I'm still in shape. Probably not, I'm going to have to start back at the beginning with two or three miles and work my way up again. This stream of consciousness in not fun. My thoughts are coming out too fast for my to type. It's like when I'm writing an english paper. I'll get a great idea in my head then not able to write it down fast enough and I forget it. Good thing you aren't checking spelling and punctuations and stuff life that. I hate typing on the computer, well not typing but talking on the computer. The I'M stuff instant messaging. My roommate keeps asking me questions while I'm doing the writing. She talks on I'M all the time. She spends more time in the room on the computer than I do and that's hard to do. She wakes up in the morning and turns on her computer to see if anybody is online that she can talk to. It's 8 o'clock in the morning does she really think anybody is going to be on. I never liked talking on I'M and I've tried to. I think many of the things I say are sarcastic and it is hard to show that what you are typing has a sarcastic tone. So I pissed of a few people even though I was being sarcastic. And it could be that I am quiet and don't talk that much unless it's about sports or something. I'm weird, I think I'm the only girl in the dorm that likes to watch football and other sports. I have always liked to watch sports. And I pretty much know that I am the only girl that likes to play football on play station 2. I've always liked playing video games. Like right now I have Grand Theft Auto Vice City on my computer. It is a lot of fun. I love playing. I see it as a stress relief for me. When I had a hard day I'll start play the game run from the cops then feel better. I am able to do things in the game that I would never do in real life. I would never be stupid enough to run from the cops in real life and that's why I like to do it in the game because I can and will not get punished for it. The people who go around saying the game should be band because it is violent and gives people bad ideas make me mad. Even though there are people in the game you can tell they are fictional. All the cops look the same, all the pedestrians look the same. You can tell that this is not real life. If you are running from the cops in the game you can drive around and pickup police bribes which lowers your wanted level and less cops chase after you. Now I know that does not happen in real life. There are clear distinctions between the game and real life. I know those distinctions and would not cross them. Some bad apples that were probably high or drunk anyways that ran from the cops and blamed it on the game should not ruin if for other who think the game is fun. | 1,997 |
0 | 0 | 1 | 1 | 0 | 6 | I feel as if my life revolves around a world full of unanswerable questions. I cannot seem to find what it is that I want out of life. There are so many options and turns where I can easily decide to follow, but I am so inconsistent of what I truly feel passionate about. I wake up in the morning and step outside of my dormitory daily smelling the fresh air. Everyday it seems as if there is something I have not witnessed before. I need answers to my life. I am a person that does not go through the day easily without understanding why things are the way they are. I am a first year student at the University of Texas and I have been bombarded with hundreds of organizations and choices that will lead me somewhere in the next few years. Not only academically has this burden faced me straight on, but I am confused about a girl I have met as well. As with the hundreds of organizations, there are hundreds of girls I see in and out of my classes. Do I really want a relationship so soon? And further, can I handle a girl that is apart of the Greek system knowing that I will never have a desire in joining one in the future? It is so hard to choose a path when you analyze your choices to death. For instance, if I decide to discontinue dating this wonderful girl just because I will not be able to tolerate her constant consumption of alcohol and nightly partying with other fraternity guys, will this decision have been the most appropriate one? Or is it possible I may be a bit too judgemental of her capabilities of being a loyal girlfriend? In addition to my social life, I have to maintain some arbitrary schedule which will be beneficial for my personal needs. Like many others, I have been set loose from the world I used to know and I am on a path where I control my line of travel. It is realistic yet frightening at the same time. All my life, choices have been easy. And if I was faced with an extenuating circumstance then I always had the parental feedback to support my decision. I am creating a life. It is not just any life; it is mine. I am on my own. I have waited for this moment for a long time. And now, I do not know what to do with it. Is this normal? Have I overlooked something? Is it humanely possible to beg and plead for an entity such as freedom and once it has been acquired to not desire its power as much? I am eager for the future and ecstatic for what is yet to come. I hope I am joining the right organizations that appeal to me. I also hope I will stay academically strong as I was in high school. And further, I hope I will have made the right choice with the girl I met. I have faith that I will be led in the right direction. | 1,874 |
0 | 1 | 0 | 0 | 1 | 9 | I mean, there were many questions about over eating. of course everyone wants to lose weight that is a given. and the thing about the spiders is just plan dumb. oh but my friend on the fourth floor asked me to go up and kill a lizard for her. when I went in to the room she was on top of a chair with a flashlight shinning at the lizard. it was hilarious. and it wasn't like the lizard was huge. she was just really really afraid. man, I have a lot of homework and studying to do. I came here in the summer and I always had reading to do and now it is like I have 3 times the work. it is very cold right now. my room always stays below 60. oh man, I woke up at 11:00am to the sound of someone drilling!! I was very upset. it lasted about an hour and a half. I have a lot of laundry to do. my clothes are all strung out on my floor. I wonder if anyone is going to read this besides the psychology department. I don't think any normal people would want to read this. you know it wasn't until this previous year that I learned how to spell psychology correctly. weird huh? I just never took the time to learn. my sister went and watched saving private ryan. she said that it wasn't any good and that she hated and the killing. and now she will have a test over it on monday. she said it was hard for her to pay attention. for her sake I hope she paid good enough attention that she passes it. I had the same english teacher that she has right now. I won't mention any names but she is a really hard teacher. she started out as a dean of students at sul and then she went to my old high school. she was really hard and expected a lot out of us. I found that I like the challenge. I think that someone just had a wreck. I'm sitting here typing and I heard screeches and then a bang. I heard that this morning, only it was a bigger bang. I didn't get up to look. I was very tired. I hope that everyone is okay. my room is very cold!!! I wonder why they set the thermostat so low. here it is in the summer and I'm sitting in my room with sweet pants and a long sleeve shirt on. I normally have on a sweater. you know, I wonder what everyone else will be typing about. I decided not to worry about capitalizing my words because the instructions stated to not worry about grammar or sentence structure, which is great because I'm not that good with grammar and sentence structure. I wish we didn't have to type for 20 minutes. I have been going for 13 minutes now. I hope that the next seven minutes go by fast. to whoever is reading this, how many have you read? I wonder if there are any interesting. I think that psychology could be interesting. I just don't like some professors. for example, in my exercise physiology class I have this proff that just kills the class. not literally, but it is a very interesting class and I have trouble staying awake. I wonder if I chose the right major. I mean I like physical therapy and all, but I think that I would rather be working with cancer patients. I wonder what people are writing on this thing. I wonder if someone is treating it like their own personal diary. I have four minutes now. after these four minutes are up I'm going swimming. no not really, I have to do homework. I have a big concert to go to tomorrow and I'm trying to finish all my studies. you know I use to never use the word studies but for some reason it just came to my head. I like to write papers like these, no grammar, no structure just typing. I like to type I can type over 70 wpm. I'm currently looking for a job. and so if the person reading this knows of any available positions that I might be good for, you just let me know. I have one more minute left and I plan on finishing at the time I am suppose to. I bet that some people don't type for twenty minutes. I could have typed for 10 minutes for all you know. for some reason at the beginning of this assignment I was thinking about things to type but not any more. obviously. well my time is up. peace out. | 409 |
0 | 1 | 1 | 1 | 0 | 14 | It is 12:53 on Tuesday and my roommate and I just finished eating lunch and came down to the computer lab to work on our assignment. My computer in our room is not hooked up to the Internet yet, so for the time being I have to come down here. That's ok. The guy just came over because we forgot to give him our IDs. Oops. Oh well. Anyway, I'm really sad lately. I miss all my friends from high school. Everyone I've met so far has been really nice and everything; I just miss how close we all were last year. I could go anywhere, to any school function, and see people that I knew and would feel comfortable with. Here, it's not that there are so many people - it's just that there are so many people that I don't know. Every face that I pass on campus is another stranger. Actually, I have seen a few people that I know from other places. Earlier today I saw Brittany. But it's just not the same as walking down the hall and knowing every single person. I was so comfortable there. I don't know. I should probably be writing on the other assignment topic, since I'm going off about high school and college and what have you, but I'm kind of just blabbering so whatever. I am ready to be comfortable with lots of people again. I miss my comfort zone that I had at Anderson and I want it back!! Hey! I just looked at my watch and it has already been ten minutes. I guess I can't really say that it's been ten minutes, because of that guy that came over. It's probably been more like seven minutes. I don't like this keyboard. It's kind of hard to type on. This assignment is actually harder than I thought it would be. I mean, it's not hard, because I'm not really writing on anything in particular, but it is kind of hard to think continuously for twenty minutes. I think it's crazy that so many Anderson people are in my psychology class. It also freaks me out that Alex is in our class. Since you don't know about Alex, just let me say that he is the most intimidating person in the world. I think underneath that tough guy Russian thing he has going for him he's really probably a very nice person, but I don't know how easy it is for me to look past the fact that he actually chased someone with an axe on the last day of school our junior year at City Park. So I wouldn't fail Alex if I were you. He might come to your office with his axe (do you spell it "axe" or "ax"? I don't know) or his machete or any of his other assortment of weapons that he totes around with him. I would really like to get to know him though - I think he would be an interesting person to get under his skin and see what he's really like. Not to mention the fact that it would be cool to have him be your friend in case someone was giving you trouble. I think that time is probably almost up, but I would kind of like to keep writing. I think I will. The temperature in this room is perfectly comfortable. I don't know where that thought came from. I am scared about having to write papers. What if my professors don't like the way I write? I've always loved to write, but I like writing creatively. I'm pretty bad at comparing and contrasting and all my research papers are boring. I mean I got good grades on them, but later I'd go back and read them and be like "Hey did I actually write this? Yuck. " I think I'm probably being hard on myself. I wonder how many times I have used the word probably in this assignment so far. I bet a lot. I hate when people don't know that a lot is two words and not one. I wonder what Angie's deal is. She used to be so nice, but ever since Dis and I rushed she has been so rude. That's her problem, I know. And it kind of always justifies the fact that I didn't like her that much. I always had to act like I did, and she was nice enough, but just something about her has always rubbed me the wrong way. That's what I told Brian. Brian -- what to do about Brian? I wish I knew I wish I could have some answer. I hate leading him on the way I did the other night, but that just seemed unavoidable. I know he needs me and that's what I love about him. When I'm around him I feel special and needed and important. But I just don't know if that is enough. | 144 |
1 | 0 | 0 | 0 | 0 | 16 | right now I am feeling tired and a little burnt out. I have had a quiz and a test this week so I ve been stressed out. I haven't taken my chemistry test yet so I'm nervous about that. I have studied but I don't feel prepared. It's cold in our dorm room right now. It's cloudy outside which is how I feel about certain aspects in life. I'm not sure I will accomplish my goals in life. Though I know that if I give it my best effort that there is nothing more I could have done. No one is in the room other than me so I'm feeling a little lonely. Not too much though. Sometimes it is nice to be alone. I have always enjoyed being alone everynow and then. I feel like I need to relax. I didn't get tickets to the game this Saturday so I'm pissed about that. I did get tickets to the OU game though so that made me happy. I like to listen to music. It also helps me to relax. I'm listening to music right now as a matter of fact. I have a heavy course load, though not too bad. I know that if I quit that I'll regret it for the rest of my life. I think regret is probably one of the worst feelings in the world next to loneliness. Loneliness you could almost always fix, but regret is much harder to deal with. Time is going by too slowly, I think I'm running out of stuff to talk about. It does feel good to get your feelings out and onto something like paper. Sometimes I think it would be better to write out all your feelings on paper so that someone wouldn't have to sit there and listen to you bitch about your life all the time. But other times that's exactly what you need. My favorite TV show is Scrubs. The main character portrays me down to a T". Watching Scrubs is another way I relax. I'm not necessarily worried about my chemistry test, or at least not to the point of where I'm dreading going. I know that all I can do is my best. I know I've talked about this but I love music. I can feel it in my soul when it plays. I can feel the song. I can feel the notes, the rhythms, all of it. I can close my eyes and just get lost in a song. It's weird, I know. My time is almost up. I'm hungry. It seems like now that I'm thinking about how hungry I am that it is taking longer to finish than it did before. I'm writing this at 9:15 a. m. That's not necessarily early in my book but it is definitely too early to do this. I have a lot of reading to do. I'm happy to be at UT. It's what I have wanted to do all my life. I want to be a doctor. A heart surgeon actually. It seems like its going to be tough. Which is no surprise. I need to buckle down more. Next week, It starts. What is it you ask? It is me buckling down and going hardcore on my classes. 2 minutes left! This was easier than I thought it would be. 1 minute left. I almost forgot to write this. That would have sucked and I would have been pissed. But I remembered so I happy. I feel better writing down all this. | 1,981 |
1 | 1 | 0 | 1 | 1 | 27 | Simply amazed that someone has seen to it that I make it this far without more than what I have experienced that is comparable to adrop in the bucket considering that sometimes I could give a damn about what is best for me for the simple fact that I'm in it for the everything I can get only at times it's entirely too much to compute at once. boy, where has the trrain of thought gone to? Maybe it left to another place out of sight but never to be out of my mind becaause it seems to me that I'm already there. I suspect that everyone else is in their own way. that's why we are told everyone is "special" when we ae too young too know exactly what that means. I'm glad payed attention that day. Uh oh. here it comes again. jealousy rears it's ugly head signaling for the dogs who are no less guilty of the crime than the one they persecute with their fingers crossed in vain hope wanting our hero to sacrifice his integrity for ideals of what was considered to be right by those who were so afraid of what it was they were dealing with that they confined themselves to an ignorant prejudice. well them fools can stay there and pray they never realize exactly what they're missing until it has already become a haunting unidentifineable thorn in their calloused side. Brains bruised with ignorance rather than blessed with memories of the world they restricted themselves from and feared to the day they wished they had not been such pussies. I cannot pity them, I have no time to devote thought to their rancid exsistence. I have my own to look after. I'm here know and those who would seek my friendship will have it. and those who seek my love will find it. and those who desire my trust and confidence shall not betray it or I shall strike down upon them with the fury of a thousand chained hatred's fire until their very soul. | 875 |
0 | 0 | 0 | 1 | 1 | 3 | Okay, let's see. I'm really really stressed out right now over Calculus. I feel like I am doing so horrible in it. I made what I consider to be a pretty crappy grade on the homework that was due last night, and all it was was a review. I got a 75. 7. The homework before that I got something like an 85. 3. My goal as of last night is to make a B in the class for the semester. I'm really worried about it though because I really have been studying hard and it seems as though the hard work isn't really paying off. I just need to find some people who know what they're doing to study with and do the homework with. That'd be nice, but I don't know anybody. The only other class I'm seriously worried about, ironically, is this one, Psychology. I don't know what to expect yet all I keep hearing is about how hard it is. I love psychology and am really interested in the material, but I'm still extremely apprehensive. I guess I'm just worried I'm going to do really bad or something. I want to have about a 3. 5 GPA or higher. I don't rightly know how that whole scale works, so I'm not sure how hard that is to do exactly. I'm just so stressed out it seems. This weekend was my birthday and all my friends wanted me to go out and do things, and that's all good, but I actually wanted to stay home and study. I really have been worried. I haven't been really social either. I'm normally a fairly sociable person, or at least I think I am, but lately, I've just been studying. On top of that, I never really make much effort to meet the other girls on my wing, or go out with new people, or even meet that many people in my classes or anything. I have to admit that I have made a few friends, but I guess I had some preconception of my coming here and just being bombarded with cool people and making really awesome connections. I haven't really done that yet. I still get depressed and my eating habits, though better when I first arrived, are starting to diminish fast. What really sucks is that I've found out a way to binge and purge here as well. I was hoping that living in a place with a communal bathroom I would have to stop all that, and that it would be a great leap for me in my recovery, but I've found a way. It's horrible. I see myself slipping more and more each day, and the old thoughts of how easy it would be are starting to come back. I really do hate myself so much sometimes. I feel so worthless. It's like in Calculus, I've been working my ass off and I'm still doing shitty. I don't have any friends, I don't have any self-esteem, and I have horrible social anxiety. It's so bad sometimes. It's been worse lately. Like today, I feel fat and ugly, so therefore I do not look up when I walk, I don't make any attempt to talk to anyone and when they talk to me I have to pretend to give a shit and be perky, whereas I feel so pressured to say something of meaning or something funny or something that's even remotely interesting that I end up saying less. I just hate it. I have nothing to be afraid of, that's what they tell me, but that's just the way it's always been. I hate being alone, and though I'm not really depressed, or at least not as much as I have been in the past, I'm just so damn lonely. I just want someone who I can talk to and laugh with and do things with. It always seems as though I have nothing. The only thing right now in my life it seems is my education. And I work and work and work, and even then it doesn't pay off. Or at least that's how it feels. I know what I am doing, I know what I am, and I'm trying to conquer it, and I've been doing damn good all things considered, but it's just so hard sometimes. I'm going to try and go to a rush function tonight at the business school for Alpha Kappa Psi. I'm overwhelmed with anxiety. I know I'm going to have to get drunk before I go otherwise I'm not going to have anything to talk about or even talk to anyone. It's so horrible. There is no difference between me and the person I am when I'm wasted except that I have no inhibitions and I'm not afraid to be myself. I don't think about what they're going to say or think of me if I do this or that. It's still me, I just can't be me unless I'm like that when I first meet someone. All my friends like me for who I am, but most all of them I met when I was drunk. If I had met them sober, maybe we wouldn't have been friends. Thinking about how I'm typing this makes me think it doesn't make much sense, but it does in my head, and that's all that matters here right? I'm pretty sure that's the point. It doesn't matter if someone else can read it and make sense out of it, it's just that I know what I'm talking about. AAAHHHH! I feel so frustrated. I don't know what to do. I'm worried about the thing tonight, I feel fat and ugly, Calculus is depressing me, and then Psychology is just scaring the shit out of me. I hate the way I feel. It's as though everything is bearing down on me and I don't know how to control it. I can carry the weight, but I am having an extremely hard time and I don't want to be carrying it. I wish it would just fall off. I just need to calm down and be more focused. My goals seem so hard to attain at the is point. Help. | 2,015 |
1 | 1 | 1 | 0 | 1 | 29 | okay so I'm sitting here in the computer lab in simkins dormitory hall, realizing that I cannot type very well. how embarrassing to keep deleting. it is so hot in here and I hate macintosh comps. I wish I had a laptop in my room. I wish I had money. my roommate brought a computer, and a tv. I feel like the poor one in the room. I actually decided to do this assignment now because my roommate has two guests over right now. they are two very nice girls but I just wanted to get away. I just barely got back from houston at about 10 and I need some alone time. what a weekend I had. my friends tiffany, and diana and I went to these auditions saturday for a winter guard called emblem281. a very renounced performance group. anyway, it is a very fun group a kids and I was really excited about the audition. I first and foremost am a dancer. since the audition consisted of dancing and flag work I excelled in the dance portion. my flag work was not bad either. don't you hate when you want something and everybody says, oh you're going to make it". and then you don't? that's right, tiffany and diana made it and not me. it is because I don't spin rifle and I know the instructor wanted a male rifle line. it is pretty sad. I really wanted to be in this group that just has so much fun together. but what really hurt the most is the fact that I feel I fail at everything I go for in life. let's start at the beginning of my senior year in high school. I tried out for drum major and was told I'd make it no questions asked. I made it to area auditions on my french horn and was told I'd make the all-state band no questions asked. I wanted to be section leader for marching season and ended up not as the president but the vice. came to college didn't make the ballet class for my major, don't have a spot on the field for the band's chicago show this coming game, and didn't make it into emblem. wow. I feel a lot better. it just sucks to be me right now. but I always pull through with God's help. or do I just get over it? my hair is starting to itch. I think I should shower tonite instead of tomorrow morning. I wonder why do we itch. what is the explanation of an itch. are the nerves freaking out and by scratching does that friction calm the nerves back down? I think about the reason things happen often. like why do our joints make the cracking sound? something about the releasing of air or something. I forget. I must go to sleep soon. I have to get up for dance class at 8. yeah tell me about it. my mom bought me all these groceries so I don't have to worry about walking across campus to eat all the time. I love her so much. even though money is tight, she always makes a way for me. I will never forget the strings we had to pull for my high school prom. okay time has expired. this little assignment makes me feel I should get a journal. I just hope I have done this right. Ii aiming for an 'a' in the class! | 2,008 |
1 | 1 | 0 | 0 | 1 | 25 | I miss my best friend. My other friend could care less of my existence since he has a woman now. I am so unorganized, and I can't type for shit. I am definately frustrated and scared. I am scared that my classes are going to be extremely hard, but most of all, I wish that I did not have to decide on my future. I have no clue what I want to do with the rest of my life, and that is a really big decision. I wish I could just travel the world and never look back. I really wouldn't mind being a bum, as long as I was in paris. I wonder what Lestat is doing right now. I have so much to read and do, but I just never find the time. THe time is just sitting there waiting on me, but I have yet to find my way. Organization is a good thing to have. Something I do not aquire. Figures. I want to meet some really cool friends, but for some reason, I don't think they are here. Maybe I should have moved to Boston. Now I will prolly never go. Figures again. I paused to think of what to say, and a really bad word came to mind. Again. I don't know what to do. I'm a dork magnet. I have zits all over my face, and the cute guy next door has yet to be seen. Figures. Ambulences. I hate that sound. I find it very annoying in the middle of the night. Gas. Roommate - uncertain. I was hoing for some drop - dead woman, and get a sad little home-schooler. Oh well she says. Well, it looks like my time is up. . C-you. | 386 |
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Essays https://huggingface.co/datasets/jingjietan/essays-big5
MBTI https://huggingface.co/datasets/jingjietan/kaggle-mbti
Pandora https://huggingface.co/datasets/jingjietan/pandora-big5
Cite: @software{jingjietan-apr-dataset, author = {Jing Jie, Tan}, title = {Personality Essays Dataset Splitting}, url = {https://huggingface.co/datasets/jingjietan/essays-big5}, version = {1.0.0}, year = {2024} }
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