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Today. Had to turn the music down. Today I went to the KVRX meeting. I will hopefully have my own radio show. I don’t know what I will talk about. I have considered in great depth and. Jeez this songs starts off quietly. cool beginning. should start louder. oh well can't all be perfect. My roommate is playing the same game . he plays that game too much and spends too much time with it. does he get homework? I just don't know. This song is rather erotic. in a very deep and disturbing way. I can't decide whether I actually want to study medical technology or not. I love many things form chemistry to mycology to religious studies/. speaking of which I had a very good time at my PSA meeting. Pagan student alliance. ahh. gotta love that screech the chairs let when you push them back. ahhhhh. well. oh yeah at the meeting I met several people. Caleb seems rather worried about one of the women. though he is bound and like wise I am unable to speak ill of her. Well I am in charge of running our booth Monday. or is it Tuesday. That song is one again. his team (my roommate) I s winning. YEESH. Well I guess if he enjoys it. my typing is rather poor and this assignment is taking a long time. 20 minutes. been 5. . lalalalalalalal. Yes the meeting. I talked about shamanism. which apparently comes from a Siberian word. being that there are several hundred different shamanic following in this world. due to the vast number of tribes that speckle our world. Peter Steele has a very sexy voice. I would love to make love to this song,. Well. too much. info. /. Dtos are fun ellipses. that word too is fun. I think that perhaps I am slowly running out of things to say. . That song reminds me of my young age. riding in the car and talking to my family. the streetlights were bright back then and things were happy. or where they. perhaps not,, I don't remember that well. My car was full of all of us and the dog wasn't around. She isn't anymore either. epilepsy has taken her from this incarnation. I wonder what she is doing now. Does she know that I miss her???? I wish I could find out. Possibly clairvoyance. That is of course under the assumption that spirits are all equal. they are. I know. For I am. Yes I was and shall be. ever. My childhood bears a interesting mark of past fuzziness. I can't seem to recollect exact details like others. very brown. ,. fuzzy is the best word. The 80's really did suck. I wonder why that CD is still lying there on the answering machine. I love bright circling colors. they interest me. not in a psychotic manner but in a very hypnotic manner. they calm. I like to be calm and sedate/. Though activity on occasion is good. . . . Grey is not a good color. neutral yes but very passive. though passive is good. Taoism. there's a philosophy. They believe that by doing nothing they do everything. interesting. I am currently reading Aleister Crowley His hermetic order seems rather interesting though a bit on the abnormal and almost eccentric side. I remember reading stories about spiders. And milkmen in fields with roses. no daisies. yeah daisies. Looking down upon the daisies as they look up to me. I want to do a past life regression and find out who I was. I wonder if I have been anyone famous or popular. Wow I am saying some rather strange things. interesting. I didn't. . My head hurts. and my room is hot. I would like to stop this. I have 3 minutes left and nothing to say except for watching my fingers press the buttons is a rather enjoyable activity. they press slowly and heavy. sometimes fast and lithe. I mean light. yeah light. so I hope I am doing this right. I am putting my consciousness on record for others to read. I guess that's cool. It should be interesting though I have said very little. I wonder what other are saying. ahh the three minutes have passed and my typing ill now slow to a halt.

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i'm thinking about how if i do this all the way through, i'll be late in meeting my girlfriend because i still have to shower and change. my clothes are in the dryer, getting wrinkle free because i'm too lazy to iron them. i'm thinking about last night and how leah and ia have been having some weird moments lately, but i think that i can attribute them mostly to stress. yesterday in dr. boetcher's office, she mentioned dana and him being the one that leah was dating. cat's out of the bag. i know, of course, and i've known for a while, but still to hear someone else say it. i wonder why she never told me right out that dana was her ex? its not like i'm stupid and i wouldn't put it together. alicia is IMing me. . i haven't talke to her in a while. i wonder how her friend fran is. she was cute. alicia says that she's well and that NT hasn't changed. i don't miss it. or denton, really, which makes me wonder why i'm going back there this weekend to visit. i guess i just miss the people, but somehow i suspect that it will be weird to see them. to be so removed from them for months, it will all feel alien to me. i can't imagine myself there anymore. and teaching today. . ugh. i'm not really looking forward to it. i'm afraid that i won't remember my shit, that i won't be able to help these kids, which is what i'm getting paid to do. its kind of silly to worry though, after being surrounded by math and science for the past two years, i hope that i'll remember something. and i'm hungry. it weird seeing tamsters around school. its almost like they shouldn't be here. like when you see random people in a dream that creep you out because they don't seem like they should be allowed to invade your mind. i'm not used to all this reading in school. i wish i had a snickers. i'm used to math homework and bs like that, not actually having to read and digest stuff like that. i like it, just not used to it. i need to shower. i'm worried that i won't be able to finish this.

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It is really really very very cold in my room. I do not know why they keep it so very cold in the dorm rooms. it is also cold in the dining hall. I am forced to wear my hoodie and always have a blanket on. I am glad I brought two blankets. sitting like this on my chair my foot is falling asleep. the chair is not so comfortable as a whole. josh has one of those big black comfy desk chairs that professional type people have it is the coolest thing ever. too bad he is a jerk eh. owww I just hit my knee on the stupid desk thing. I wish my roommate would come home she was supposed to be here like two hours ago. we are going out tonight which is good because all I have been doing the last couple days is studying which is necessary but it isn't all that fun. I need to borrow duct tape so I can tape up the cords on the desk because they are ugly-looking. we were supposed to go to target sometime also, to buy a rug for the floor because the floor in this room is COLD. some of the classes on this campus are very far away from my dorm room. maybe I should figure out the whole bus system so I can take a bus down to them. although walking is good exercise and I do need exercise. you would think with an exercise room downstairs I would go down there and use it. maybe if my roommate does not come back by the time I am done this I will go work out for awhile. but then I will have to take another shower. don't know if it is worth that. because then I will also have to dry my hair and I hate hair dryers. they are evil things. whoever decided that girls need to dry their hair in order to look good was an evil person. they never should have been invented. same with makeup. we should all just be completely natural. if somebody really, truly, likes you, they will like you all the same with no makeup on. at least that is my philosophy and I am sticking to it because I hate putting makeup on. it's a pain. a waste of time, if you will. the cd stopped. I should put another one on. now I'm going to have 'yo's a ho' stuck in my head. it's not a bad song just not a song I would like to have stuck in my head. I always wake up in the morning with some random song stuck in my head. it's weird. I don't know where they come from. last night I had a dream that I was yelling at erin. in someone's driveway- until she walked out on the street. I am unsure of what we were yelling about but I don't think it would be that hard to get us to be yelling at each other. it's really weird how easily one of your friends can turn hostile on you. I have an itch on my leg. it's itchy. my hands are cold from typing, and because they are exposed to the cold that is my room. too bad there isn't a thermostat type dealy in this room like some of the other dorm buildings have. I wish I were staying in blanton I would like to be able to go to the lobby and hang out whenever I felt like it like people do there all the time. the only time people around here hang out is just when they are studying. I guess I could go knock on some random people's doors and watch tv with them or something. meh. I can't believe lela's dorm has a curfew. that's crazy. at first I thought she was talking about visiting hours, because we have visiting hours at eleven thirty sunday through thursday, but she was actually talking about a curfew. they have to be in the building by eleven. I guess they know who is in by who swipes their card. that is like big brother or something. 1984. I don't like it. I mean, these people are all almost 18 years old. and they are Church of Christ - going people. if they stay out past eleven or twelve, they are most likely not going to do something bad. and if they do, I think that is their problem. not the dorms'. I definitely could not live like that. I don't even like visiting hours. my hands are still cold. half the point of going to college is having more freedom. if I only wanted to take classes I would stay at home and live with my parents. but I wanted more freedom (and also to meet new people and have fun) so I guess that is what I have to do. it's a shame I am terrible at meeting new people. and they are bad at meeting me. it doesn't help that my psychology class has 550 + people in it. it's a bit insane when you have a class that is only 30 people short of your graduating class. and they all fit in one room. our class couldn't fit in one room for the longest time, until they built the new auditorium. my brother's class has a thousand in it, but they are really bad so I wonder how many they will have when he graduates. BRRRR my hands are cold. the cushion thing on the chair keeps sliding around and it is really quiet in here. I need to talk to my suitemates more. they seem nice but we don't ever talk to them it's really a shame. I need to clean the water filter pitcher so I can drink some water. water is good stuff. josh says some girl he knows drinks 3 glasses of coffee a day. I don't drink any caffeine. I did one day and I was jittery and nervous and bouncing off the walls and stuff. it was not enjoyable. my mom drinks coffee everyday. I don't understand why people think they need it. is it psychological? or do they really need it to wake up? on tv people always say lets go get coffee" or "we need some coffee" and it's always after some traumatic event or really late at night. I think that drinking coffee then would make things worse. what you would need is some sleep, and caffeine would not help sleep. it would keep you awake. at least it keeps me awake. I guess some people can sleep even though they have caffeine in them? I wonder why andy called this morning. I called him back twice and he didn't answer either time. weird. people are weird. all of them. especially james. with his bald head. it does not make any sense to me why he took a year off from the core. he seemed to have loved it and his excuse of "I am a. d. d. " doesn't really make all that much sense. because. the core is so disciplined. I would think it would be good for a person who had a. d. d. I wonder if there is a another period if you end a sentence with an abbreviated word. that would look really funny. like 2/3 of a ". " well I am going to end this the way I started it. it is really really very very cold in here.

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Twenty minutes seems like a very long time to have to write about what I am thinking in my conscience. I just got a letter from my aunt. She was writing to see if I was ok and whether or not I like UT. So far I do like UT. I just wish that I had the social skills to make friends easier. I am not a very out-going person and it takes me long periods of time to become good friends with people. I am very picky about the type of people I hang out with. I especially dislike snobby people. I realize people are all equal and that under no circumstances should anyone believe they are better then someone else. Although sometimes I do feel I am smarter than other students here at UT. Everyone always tells me I have a huge amount of potential, but that I need to motivate myself to use my potential. Sometimes I feel very lonely. I am an only child and my parents divorced when I was five. I have never really had a real relationship. I want so bad to have someone in my life that will stand to hang out with me twenty-four hours a day. This wish makes me seem very needy and I hate to think that I am a needy person. For some reason I think being needy makes me weak. Oh, well, on to something else, this so far hasn't been very fun. I am not sure what I want to do with my future. I am undeclared in the college of natural sciences. Undeclared could be used to describe my entire life. I try, subconsciensly to avoid any huge decisions. I sometimes think that I want to be a psychiatrist. However, this is for selfish reasons. I believe that I am self-sufficient. I don't want to let someone else fix my problems. If I became a psychiatrist then I would be able to analyze myself and determine why I am screwed up. At the top of this assignment it said not to worry about spelling. I guess it's the perfectionist in me, but there is no way I could leave behind a trail of mispelled words. I realize though that there are some mispelled words in this paragraph though. I wonder if someone is actually going to read this. I keep having to look over my shoulder. I am worried that my roomate is going to read this and think I am some kind of weirdo. Is weirdo actually a word? For some reason I don't think it is. Weirdo makes me think of Gonzo from the Muppet Babies, also that blue guy from Seasame Street. I haven't watched those shows in years. It's funny what people think of sometimes. Actually time is slipping by pretty fast. Ummm. I can't think of anything to write. My schedule is so screwy. I have four classes on M, W, F, and then one on T,Th. It gives me plenty of time to work on homework or prepare for classes though. My mom is susposed to get on Instant Messenger tonight so we can chat. I miss her and my best friend a lot. My dad is an asshole. Can we curse on this assignment? I was never able to before. College is so different, people actually treat us like adults. I want to get an apartment. I don't like living in the dorm. Not enough personal space. I also want a dog. My favorite breed of dog is the chow-chow. However everyone always tells me they are very protective of their owners and can become aggressive towards strangers. I want two so that they can keep each other company while I am at school. That is a dream though. I have to decide whether or not I want to get my car fixed or sell it. I am leaning towards getting it fixed because it is a good car, Nissan Stanza, and there is no way I can buy a new car. The only problem is that it is an '87. That is really old compared to all my friends cars. My best friend drives a '99 Tahoe. Lots of people call him spoiled, but I don't think so. Well time is up, I'm not sure I got the point of this exercise though!

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I feel that I have so much to do in the next few days. College is so overrated. The few actual moments that you do have to go out and party and have a good time, or do whatever it is that you like doing, equal all the other times you are reading, reading, studying, or doing other school stuff. I had a French vanilla cappuccino at like 9:30 tonight and it gave me so much energy that I can't sit and focus on one thing. It seems that I have been procrastinating all night. Oooh all that I need is you (so the song I am listening to right now) but anyways. now I don't remember what I was thinking about a moment ago. It must be that caffeine I'm not really used to but have consumed so much of it in the last 48 hours. O no. I'm not really sure what I just did. I hit tab because that's what you do to indent but it hit the finish button instead. So instead of having a stream of conscious thought for 20 minutes I think it was more like 2 so now I'm thinking about how I need to get in contact with the TA or the professor and explain how I will probably have two submissions but I'm not really sure because I don't know how computers work. They are so complex. I don't really understand them. Like earlier I couldn't log into the prescreening experimental stuff. I have put off the computer oriented stuff to later because in a way it scares me because I don't really trust them. I'm very skeptical of them. I feel like if I start something the computer has a mind of its own and is going to do whatever with it. Like just now, I'm panicking because the stupid machine is making an awful whirling twirling noise. The song I'm listening to is sung by a different group, but the same song I did a trio to two years ago and it is bringing back memories of practicing and performing. During a heavy practice time I had mono I remember. Kind of a cool time because I got to miss almost two weeks of school but the makeup work wasn't fun but I did get to know my teachers well that year. I wonder how the other two girls that I did the trio with are doing. They are both a year older than me so they've been doing this whole college thing longer. Speaking of long I just looked at the time and I've only been doing this for like five minutes. Looking at the clock and counting down the time reminds me of times during drill team practice after school when they seemed to drag on forever I made it a goal to not look at the clock so hopefully the time would pass by faster but of course it didn't. I actually saw a girl from my drill team this weekend. She is a choreographer for a dance team I was interested in trying out for, but I decided not too because it brought back to many memories. I am thinking about trying out for Steel Dance this weekend but I don't know yet. O yaw that reminds me that I need to email one of the girls on the team and ask her what the dress code for the clinic is because I really don't want to wear pink tights and a black leotard. It makes me feel fat. Which reminds me I never ate dinner tonight and its like 110. I guess all the Julius chips and salsa I ate will have to do. Thank goodness for Julio. He makes some awesome chips. I wonder who Julio is. Or even if Julio is still alive. My roommate brought his chips back from Del Rio. My Hippo something we learned about in class today must be working hard because it is bringing back many memories. I think ill remember the name of it well or not the name more the function of it because my boyfriend has a horrible memory and we always joke about being big like hippos and stuff so I definitely will remember that one. O look more remember things. I guess the hippo thing is working right now. The song I'm listening to reminds me of two girls on my drill team. Rachel and Shea. They were awesome dancers. I wonder where they are now. There is a girl in my architecture design class that reminds me of shea the way she looks and talks. Actually Shea has a pair of my comfy pants that I loved that my friend Brittney had on tonight. Shea is in Utah so I don't think I will ever see them again. Speaking of comfy clothes I wonder why all I wear to class now are soffe shorts and a t-shirt. It must be that whole college thing. O no. Here goes again. That whirling noise and now my instant messenger signed on when I didn't even click on the program. This computer is so random. Maybe I just need to update the AIM program. but then again I don't know that much about computers so I'm not really sure how I'd go about doing that. With my luck I'd probably download some computer virus with it too. And viruses. That thing about getting sick when you are most stressed. I will probably be getting sick soon because I am feeling very stressed right now although a huge weight was lifted off my shoulder today when we turned in a major project. Which didn't go exactly how I hoped but its over so I don't want to think about it. If I say I am going to get sick will my body start thinking that and make itself sick? That is something else we learned about. If you start thinking one thing you can convince yourself of it. O man I don't remember the name of it. I am really going to have to study for this test. I should probably start this weekend. Well there is one more thing to add to my to do list. I started one earlier and it just keeps getting longer. I need to add that I need to talk to a TA for this class and then email that girl from steel dance before I forget. My 20 minutes is up now its a good thing I ended with that to do list so maybe since it is the most recent thing I will remember. Now I really like this song. Its from 13 going on 30 that movie. I have started watching more movies since I got to college I think that is what I will ask for for my birthday-movies. O yaw my time is up. I need to get ready for bed so maybe I will get a decent amount of sleep tonight.

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I don't know what just happened, but all that I just wrote for the last 10 minutes just got erased. This makes me a little perturbed, but I don't really care. This just allows me to write even more interesting things. Maybe this time I'll talk about movies. Yeah those bad ass little things that I l0ove ohhhhh sooo much. In fact I'm hoping to film a movie by this years Oklahoma game. that way I can show my best friend who will join us from K. C. Together we made 6 movies. 4 movies for English and two for our own enjoyment. Okay the preview for Scream2 is on the tv behind me and its a little hard to pay attention to this assignment, but I guess this is also part of the assignment. How many people does it take to rip off a football from the bumper a of a frog. jello. jello. retard. Bug women can kick my friend's ass. At least that is what he always says. He says that he is going to start going after those women who could actually kick his ass. Me I'm just going after the beautiful intelligent type. It seems like it is working out thus far, but not from m shoes. 4 women are in my life right now. One is an ex-girlfriend who I was very attracted to, but broke up with me for seemingly no reason whatsoever. I think it was because I became too attached, whatever that means. I guess loving someone too much is not a good thing. That was sarcasm. I really don't think there is such thing as loving someone too much. I do sometimes watch myself when I'm trying to meet a girl. Now I wonder if they think I'm trying too hard. Anyway, my ex gave me a call and we talked for 2 hours. In the talk I felt like going over there and hugging her right there, but she would be missing out on sleep for her next day. I think she valued her sleep more than me. Well no not really, I think we just weren't mature enough to know how we really felt. I still can't really say whether it was true love since I have never had any other taste of love that I could compare it to. Al I know is that I miss what we had, and I want it back. I thought I was over it. He's 30. I am over it. Today I realized that life is not as complicated as we all make it out to be. It this "real world" that we have made up that keeps us under constant stress. The mind analyzes everything and tries to figure out the real world. It is the heart that I try to follow. The heart gets past all that which seems and goes straight to what feels right. I believe in that feeling over the appearance of a situation. I have led a very happy life and I think I am doing things right. I jus t recently had to decide whether or not I wanted to be a frat guy. Isn’t it funny that I brought this up right after I mentioned I think I’m doing things right. I take that as a good sign. But now I’m hesitating so I take that as a bad sign. Basically I’m still trying to figure out whether I turned down the frat for personal reason or to please other people. When I did decide to quit the frat I became extremely happy, almost to the point of crying in my car. This was when I came up with this decision on my own outside the influence of the other people I know. Then the damn frat got me to come into their house and talk to me one on one. This showed me all the people that I would be letting down by not joining the frat. I can't stand letting people down. I try so hard to help everyone, but its just impossible. I think the reason I felt like an asshole yesterday was because I have let a lot of people down the beginning of this year. Namely the frat and my brother for not joining the frat like he did. He is trying to live vicariously through me and it is a little annoying. I think I first showed interest in the frat just for his sake. I would like to explain to my brother that we are not alike and that my whole life is not revolved around women and beer, but anytime you talk to m brother he just makes you look stupid and I hate that. I don’t feel like I can explain anything to him unless he already believed it to begin with. I think this is why he became a lawyer.

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There's a picture of the two of us up on my bulletin board. It's right behind my computer where I can see it when I'm working. I look at that picture and remember my past. I remember a time when I thought that things were different than they really are. I don't think anymore that it was anyone's fault, either hers or mine, that is. I respected her so much though, and it hurts to be let down by someone you think so highly of. In the picture, I look so innocent and young, in my white cheerleading skirt, and the royal blue shell with Eagles written across it. Her arm is around my shoulder, and she's holding her sunglasses in her hand. I recall that she had just taken them off before we took the picture. There are people in the background behind us, and the gym is visible. I remember how beautiful the day was; it was so crisp and blue and wonderful. It's hard to tell, and I've wondered many times, what exactly she was thinking when we took that picture together. When I look at the face, the eyes especially, sometimes I see something warm and trustworthy. Other times I'm sure I see something sinister and strange. I don't know why I still struggle with this issue so much. I've never really gotten over it. I went into this assignment knowing that I wanted to write about Carla because in class, I heard something said about how writing about something can change your opinion or the way you look at something. Well, it is true that I'm noticing things about the picture, minute details, that I didn't pay too much attention to before. But her face and her eyes are still an enigma to me. I can't explain in words how much I want her to care about me, to love me, and to think I'm something special. I want to tell her everything that I've done today and yesterday and since I arrived here. But she's back home, and I'm here, and there's something ominous to me about writing her an email. I don't know why. I miss her so much. She was there when I really needed someone. I see now more and more, that this was mostly situational. It's not like she planned to be in that room when my whole world fell apart. But she was. And she told me how to get through it, and she cared. More than any person has ever cared about me on this earth, at least that I'm aware of. The picture is truly beautiful, even though it's more than 5 years old. The light is in our hair, coming from behind, and our faces are bright and illuminated. The beauty of the day is apparent. I just feel like something needs to happen between us. There was never any closure for me, or continuation. Our relationship just sort of drifted off and never returned, and now I don't know where we are. I saw her by chance before I left for college at church because we are making a new church pictorial, and her family happened to be getting their pictures done on the same night as our family. I was very surprised to see her, and I know my heart skipped a beat. I hadn't seen her in such a long time. probably since before school let out for the summer. The truth is, I was a little bit upset with her for not being around. But she was nothing but warm and kind to me. I don't know why she always does that. I see her, and it's like I'm the whole world. But then when we're apart, I don't hear a peep. I don't understand our relationship sometimes, and it's very hurtful to me to analyze her possible motives. Anyway, she hugged me, and touched me, and stood close to me, and made me promise to keep in touch when I'm gone. She even promised to make me some chili or something when I come back and come over to her house. I fear that that's an empty promise, like so many of the others. But at the time, it was easy to believe her. I really think it's something to do with her eyes. You have never seen anyone with such power behind their gaze. She is so earnest with her eyes, but so untruthful with her actions. It confuses me to no end. I don't even know why I brought the picture with me, or why I decided to place it in such an obvious place where I can always see it. But I did. I guess my hopes die hard. I still hope that maybe she really does care about me. Maybe she really does think I'm special. Maybe, she does even really love me. I don't know what to believe. I think maybe this evening when I have some time to myself, I'll write her that email that I've been meaning to. I think maybe I could even get up the courage to be totally honest with her, and get everything out in the open. Well, maybe that's a little too unrealistic, but maybe I can begin to open it up for discussion. I think it would be very good for me to do so. I want to know what's really behind those eyes. I've got to know about the truth. I really desire to understand the enigma. My dear Carla.

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As I sit here trying to think of something to say, my mind is completely blank. This kind of thing always happens when I am trying to write. I guess the only thing on my mind right now is whether or not I am going to make it at such a big school like UT. I have to walk a lot and the studying is sometimes hard. I am a music major a the time, but I really hate it. I think it is a worthless major. It's too much work for nothing. Music majors don't make ANY money. I think that a big part of going to college is learning how to make money. I guess if I was really devoted to playing the piano money really wouldn't matter to me, but I couldn't see myself sitting on my ass playing the piano the rest of my life. I really want to do something exciting. Another thing that is bothering me right now is the fact that I go to school 16 hours a week and I am only getting credit for 12. That's four hours I am not getting credit for. All of which are of course music classes. I only get 3 hours for a 5 hour Musicianship class and I only get 1 hour for a 3 hour ensemble class. I really like it here, but I miss my friends back home. I think it is going to be weird seeing them again during thanksgiving and Christmas. I want to know how their schools are and if they have been to any good parities or if they have made many friends. One thing about going to UT is that it is hard to make friends here because there are so many people. I have, though, made friends with many people that I live with along with some people in my classes. I went to a pretty cool concert this weekend. I went with some of my friends that are still in high school. I miss hanging out with them. It was like old times again. I went with my old boyfriend and all of his friends. I was the only girl as always but that's what I'm used to. I guess I have to keep my attention on what I am doing here though. So that I can survive through college. I think my mom is going to be mad because I may have maxed out my phone card, but that is kinda off the subject. My mind wanders like that sometimes. Tamesha is beating up her CD player. She is sitting next to my cursing at her portable CD player. Now she is blowing the dust out of it because she thinks that it might work better if she does that. well my time is up, and just in time too because my mind just went blank again.

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I am bored, I don't know what to write. I think that I am going to enjoy college. I miss my friends and family from back home, but I am starting to mak new friends here. I will probably go home to visit this weekend for the labor-day holiday. If I do go, I want to make sure that I will have plety of time to rest up, because last time that I went I didn't really get mush time to sleep, so I was pretty tired on my way back. I have been tired all week long now. I went to bed after midnight last night and then I had to get up this morning at five so that I could go do the PT test for the airforc ROTC. We didn't even do anything except count how many reps the upperclassman did. I wish that we could have worked out too. I really hate it while I am doing it, but afterwards I feel pretty good. Tuesday, when I got done with my PT test, I started throwing up on the field. I was pretty tired from the push-ups and the sit-ups already and didn't quite catch my breath yet when I had to start the two mile run. My time for the run went up a minute. I will try to get that back down. I want to be able to max out the push ups and the sit ups by the end of the semester. I want to get as fast at the run as well, becase if you max the run, it is worth twice as much as maxing the pushups or situps. But I care more about those than the run. I need to make up an excercise schedule for the ROTC. I don't really know when I want to do everything. I will probably just do pushups and situps in the mornings before class. Since I have to wake up at five on Tuesdays and Thursdays, I usually wake up pretty early the other days as well. I will just do those excercises and then do my homework. in the evenings, I will go downstairs to the little gym that is here in my dorms to work out. That should be plenty of excercise. I will probably not be able to do it all of the time though. I wanted to start doing the pushups and situps in the mornings this week, but I barely have enough sleep to wake up and go to class much less to work out. I think that I will like it in the Air Force. It doesn't look like I had thought that it would be. They were saying that they weren't allowed to yell at people in their faces like they always have on TV. It looks a little more respectable that the Army. I hope that I will like it. On Tuesday, two cadets each recieved a 2000 dollar scholorship. I want to find out what they had to do to get them. Someone said that to get it you have to have a 4. 0 GPA. I'll bet that there is more to it than that. But I want to try to get a 4. 0 anyways. If I have to get a loan, it will look better. It will also make me more elligible for scholorships. I am going to need the money. NExt year, I think that I will get and apartment or an efficiency to live in. I think that I would like that more than living in a dorm. It is too noisy here. My roomates are nice, but they like to stay up late, and I always have to get up early, so it irritates me a little bit. I know that they aren't trying to be loud, but when I am dead tired, and they have a bunch of friends over, I just want to scream. But next year I will have my own place by myself. That will be nice. The only problem will be that I will have to cook for myself. I don't really know how to make anything except for scrambled eggs, macaroni and cheese, and breakfast cereal. That probably won't be very nourishing. I will probably need to get a roomate that likes to cook or something. Maybe Melinda and I could move in together and she could cook the food and do the dishes while I go to school. She could also babysit in the apartment to make some extra money. But I don't think that there will be enough money for us to do that. I would really like to help her out, but I don't have enough money, and in the past, every time that I helped her, it just ended up costing my a lot of money, and then after a week or two, she would be back in the same situation, needing my help again. It was very irritating, also. Still, she is a very good friend that I know will always care for me. She is very nice. I just don't think that she is very good handling money. But not everyone is good at that. She is very good with kids, and I'm not very good with them at all myself. I never know what to say to them. I start off talking about cartoons and stuff like that, but after a few minutes, I run out of stuff to say. My cousin Dillian liked me pretty much though. My mother was telling me about how he was so excited that I always made breakfast for him in the mornings when he was over. But I was pretty bored when I was watching him. I couldn't always understand what it was that he was saying, and for the last day,all that he wanted to do was make ice cream out of play-dough and for me to pretend to eat it. It wasn't too bad the first time, but he did it for about a half hour.

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17

Well, I today I'm feeling pretty lovely. I woke up this morning and went to the gym. Afterwards I took a shower and went downstairs to get something to eat. I met up with this boy I am talking to, he's really sweet and sexy. He makes me feel special. But I'm being very cautious in this little relationship, because I tend to wear my heart on my sleeve, and I don't feel like getting hurt. Anyways, my sandwich was really good. I'm also watching Seinfeld right now. Actually if you want to be technical with it, I'm not watching it because I'm typing right now, but it's on in the background. But yah, I love Seinfeld. I think it's the greatest show in the world. I am still amazed at how someone can write a nine season show about NOTHING. That's crazy. You know what else I think is crazy? I don't know how in world I'm going to manage my time between classes and work-study and the gym and my social life. It's like there is so much to do. Especially with all this reading I have to do for psy. Now that's crazy! Why do we have to read so much. Why can't the teacher just teach it to us. Maybe I'm just being lazy. Who knows? Yes! Another episode of Seinfeld is coming on. Anyways, on Monday there's a Seinfeld marathon. It starts at 7am until the end of Labor Day. That is really cool. I can't wait. But yah. I wonder what grade I'm going to get in this class. I've done all my experiments. I be damned if I had to write some 5 page psychological paper. So you know I got started on those experiments ASAP. Okay! Anyways, I really don't know what else to write about. So lets see. let me think. What else can I talk about. Oh yeah! There's a football game tonight. I hope we win. I wish I could go, but I didn't but any tickets. I don't even know where to buy tickets from. I should of just got a sports package. That would of made my life a whole lot easier. I have this football player in my class. Actually he's in two of my classes. He's nice. We study together, because our rhetoric class is kind of difficult, and he's always falling asleep in class. I don't blame him. They work those football players really hard. A little bit too hard. That's just ridiculous. Sometimes I feel for them, because like how do they expect them to do good in school, when there only getting like 5hrs of sleep a day. That's not good, especially with all that strenuous activity they do. I know I wouldn't be able to do it. I know after I come back from the gym, I'm ready to go back to sleep. So I really feel for the football players. But I guess if you really want to make it to the NFL, you got do it. You got to stick with it. And that really goes for anything. If you want to accomplish any of your goals, then you have to stick with the game plan. Anyway, you know it really hasn't hit me that I am in college yet. I mean it kind of hit me last week, when I was going out with some of my friends. And it was like, I don't have to call my mom and tell her what I'm doing, I don't have to worry about her sending out a search party for me. I don't have to answer to nobody. It's so great. I love this! Anyway, the way I see it if I just find out some way to manage my time with work, gym, classes, and my social life then everything should just work out fine. Yah in a perfect world. Anyways, looks like I got about 4 more minutes to right. Okay lets, see. You know what my favorite episode of Seinfeld is? The very first episode, when Jerry and George where doing laundry. That's a really good episode. I know like every word, scene, move. everything about that episode. Anyways, looks like I'm going on only two minutes left. Two minutes and forty seconds. Two minutes and 30 seconds. Two minutes and 20 seconds. Two minutes and 10 seconds. Two minutes and now we have ONE MINUTE LEFT. All right I'm on a roll here. Lets see, I guess I'll just sign off now. Well this has been really fun. I hope whoever is reading this has enjoyed reading this. Have a great day and a great like. 5 seconds left . and GOOD BYE!

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My name is Oscar Criel. I really don't know what I'm supposed to write but I guess I'll start anyway while I have some free time. I don't know if we're supposed to word wrap this thing or not so forgive me for the excessive going out of the lines. I just barely made it here to the Ugl and decided "why not and just do my homework while I have time. " Today in Psych class it was pretty boring. I just wish we did something a little more interesting. I took this class because an old girlfriend/friend recommended taking this class. She told about her Psych class and how interesting it was. So far I like the class but I wish we could start on some interesting facts. I still haven't bought my Psych book and I hope I can hang on for one more day. I'm really just worried about whether my financial aid is coming in. I also miss home already. I decided not to go home over the holidays so I could stay here and hang out with my friends. But I think I made the wrong decision. Even though I came during the summer I still miss home. For that whole month in the summer of 97 I just thought about going home. I was in the preview program for the summer but I don't regret being in that program. I met some of the coolest people during the summer than I have my whole entire life. My old friends seem like dumb asses when compared to the ones I met. I just wish I didn't feel so insecure About Math. I hate Math. I used to be good in it when I was in Jr. High and the beginnings of my high school life. But during my Jr. and Sr. year I really slacked off and got my first C's from my Pre-cal class and my Calculus class. That's one of the reasons I came during the summer so I could take Pre-cal. That was one of the worst Classes I have ever taken. I got my first D in the summer and my dad wasn't to happy. He graduated from UT and he wants me to do the same. I'll try not to disappoint him but I don't know what the future holds for me. I just wish I wasn't in a major that required taking a math class. But I hope I get an A average this fall. I better. I just need to work more smarter and know and learn how to study better. Plus I have a work study job now and I hope that doesn't drag me down. I guess It's almost been twenty minutes but I still got about three more minutes to go . It's weird but I didn't think I could type for a solid twenty minutes without stopping for a five minute rest or something. One ting I know right now is that I am starving. That damn job is costing me my lunch. I think I have to start packing a lunch every time I go to work. I need to buy meal replacement bars when I get my first paycheck. I just hope it's more than a hundred dollars. I forgot but I need to call my dad and ask about the financial aid. I guess I'll call him tonight and maybe he could sort out things. I feel so tired. I just want to go back home and sleep for ever. But I know that wouldn't be the wise thing to do. College sucks. I just wish things came a lot more easier to me. I have no more thoughts. I am just stuck here typing on a computer. Well I better go eat now and hope that I typed enough for this assignment. One down and one to go. I guess I'll see you in class. Bye.

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30

Today is 911 and it has been a whole year since the tragedy last year. I remember that day being in first period and hearing of a plane flying into the tower. Obviously, that was all the people at school talked about that day, and the shock was great. It surprised me so much that my teachers didn't take out time from classwork to talk about the event. This is the biggest most memorable event of our lives and i thought it deserved more. so much more than just the acknowledgement. Yeah, the principal came on, but it didn't seem like enought. I would have liked to discuss it with my class. Actually, yesterday in my rhetoric class this guy in my class made this annoying comment that he thinks the president took advantage of what happened on 911 to ask the nation for volunteers. I was outraged at what he said, how can you be so stupid (to put it bluntly). . that isn't very nice for me to think but our nation is in a time of need and this past year was a very unique time. The president totally has the right to ask for volunteers and was in no way taking advantage of 911. It bothers me when people speak about that things when they should take more time to think about what they're really saying. . . yeah, so anyways. 911, everytime i hear one of those songs about the event it gives me chills up and down my body, the chills are uncontrolable and it makes me feel good though that it happens. I always get chills when i really really enjoy or care mostly about what i'm seeing or hearing. That is so interesting how the body works that way. I don't think about getting chills but they just start running up and down my body. Although, i get chills i don't usually cry. I'm not a very emotional person, but all depends on what's going on around me. Lately I have been pretty stressed out from the this huge change in living, change in schedule. And, I can cry easier probably because I've been so stressed. I find time to take it away, like when i run, i am not stressed. i could think about all i have to do while i'm running but the thing is i'm not stressed while i'm running because i know i need to run and i can't study while i run so it doesn't stress me out. Does that make any sense in the way i wrote it. In other words, if i was watching tv, and i know i have to study, then i would be stressed because i know i could be studying instead of watching tv. I am very good at managing my time so i know that i will be able to accustom myself and get used to my schedule better. I've just been so used to my routine at home that it is hard to change here. What doesn't help me very much is that i have late classes, no earlier than 11a. m. and the other three days are at 1pm. Therefore, I usually sleep until classes where if i had 9 or 10 am classes i would be up earlier and more time to study during the day. I like to get my homework and what i need to get done out of the way. . . i don't usually find myself as a procrastinator. I've definitely learned my conservative ways from my father and probably picked up most of those traits from him. although i'm not as simplistic as he is. Everything to him is simple. simple. period. it bugs me sometimes how simple everything has to be but i've picked up on some of those things because i see myself doing the same things he does. and it bothers me when people are too loose. I like to clean, organized, in order and when people i know are late and too loose about what they do it irritates me. yes well, i was just thinking about this song i was listening to today called make yourself it has great lyrics and you can probably tell from the title what its about: not to let other people influence your ways maybe in the sense of copying them but do what you want to do and feel. make yourself. And, there is another song that addresses t

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2

Ok I'm thinking about old school Nintendo man those were the days, my friend Ryan had a lot more game than I did but I did not meet him till 8th grade and until then I though I had a lot of games, which I guess is saying your happy with what you got till some on else gets more than you and then jealousy sets in but id like to think I've grown somewhat sense then . I remember a science tech class I used to take in 8th grade. all years go back to 1988 almost everything has some tie in my mind to 1988 I don't know why and It pops up o very often. It's Like velma from scooby do all cartoons go back to Velma, I guess you'd have to see Cartoon network to understand it, m thinking of my mom It's odd but I sometimes worry that she worries too much about me, she was really overprotective but very loving, and now I still have feelings like hatred for being held back by her over protectiveness. SO whenever we are together I try to make sure she doesn't think I turned out goo because some how I still feel a grudge against her methods and think I missed out too much when I was little. nnnnnnnnnnnn captain N that was a cool cartoon. hmmm I wonder I caryn is around or Selena they are kind of friends of my best friend so It kind of awkward but I think they really like me more than I deserve because Ryan always says things to them about me and well I'd like to get to know them better but It awkward because he was friends with them first . I reorganized my room this ear it pretty cool. Something you just don't turn in for a grade even if you think it wont be read but just let it be known I'm thinking f those things. well enough of that what is on my mind. the lawnmower man. that doctor guy who look like a gu from that x-files rip off kieger or something. the At tem a crack force of firearms specialist design to heighten an experience, if I can't even understand now that was true stream of conscience I lost complete control let me try again, Hotdogs, mustard, ice cream, maybe I'm hungry, barbecue chips, why the hell did I just think of feminine hygiene product , milk ducts, cows, chickened, crunch, superheroes, dad comics, pride, going monkey zoo hen turkey target where I work love in the zoo with oink hungry I ran and bombings in Libya contra scandal the e president a cool president I like if only to be rebellious and also the Kennedy's stereotypical drinkers which I will be partaking in he festivities to night but you know that's ok I guess I finally got that damned questionnaire filled out after I thought it had not saved because it read 0% when I logged in again but I guess I was just being an ass. I don't like it when I'm ignored I know I act stupid and say silly things a lot but oh well that guy Joe next door is doing something Damn I think I really want a girlfriend again it really sucks not being able to act straight around girls I just have to stop being shy and be suave but less rryohoyoho a pirates life for me and al I can say is that the future is looking bright and I've got to got rrahhh rrahhh run away tommyboy is a really good movie despite what people might say I think it s really funny at a lot of parts well looks like my time is running up so I ill go tell no one or else I will probably be embarrassed.

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10

I am going home for the weekend, and I'm wondering what it will be like after being gone for two weeks. I miss home, my friends, my family, everything about corpus christi. I mean, I'm not sad or anything, but I really cannot wait to get there. I'm thinking of how the bus ride will be on the way home, how it is kind of inefficient to take greyhound because of the schedules and long time that it takes to make a relatively short trip. basically, my mind is not thinking about one specific thing. rather, many thoughts are coming to me during the days here at UT. memories of high school, things I did, things I said, just normal context between me and my friends. after not making longhorn band, I often find myself reflecting on band in high school, the band that we all seemed to always be complaining about, but the band that now seems so great to be a part of. I think about being in it, taking solos in jazz band, and that seems to be where I want to be right now, most of the days, that's where I'd like to be. I think about the solos I took on various songs, the ideas I came up with, and the ones I'm coming up with now; I wish I could be in it to play them, I whistle and hum the different rhythms that I would play, my friend and I try to remember all of the songs that we played last year, and the various experiences that came along with performing. I also am thinking about my family and friends, how I miss them, and how I'm going to them this weekend. I think of how I want to be in corpus, and how to make the weekend last as long as possible. I'm trying to think of what to do there, and whether or not I will get to go to laredo to see the football game for my high school. hopefully so. besides that, I think about my sister in Houston, how she's coming to austin this weekend, and how I'm going to corpus this weekend. but I know that we'll see each other soon. I think about my room at home. the food I'm used to eating in corpus, how I really want to eat there because I'm tired of this dorm food. I try to remember as much about home as I can, but there always seems to be more that I think of later. so much complexity about home; however, when I was there before moving up here, sometimes things seemed to boring, but not now. corpus seems like home, because it is. I just can't wait to be there, and I can't wait to go again, hopefully in two weeks. I also think about my classes here, how I'm wondering how I'm going to do in them, if I'm studying enough or writing down the right things in my notes. I hope that I will do good on my first tests, and I hope that the semester is not too hard as long as I study and keep up with everything. I think of my classes at high school, whether I was that smart or not, I wonder if I'm smart enough to be an engineer, I hope that I do not feel inadequate about myself or start feeling like I'm stupid or something. I think all of these thoughts right now, and like I said, they pop in and out of my mind, with no constant or predictable duration or timing. it almost seems like I'm thinking about everything at the same time, and I guess, various specific thoughts become highlighted or standout every now and then, but while I think about everything I can concentrate on one thing while also thinking about everything else too. other than that, my thoughts are pretty much summed up in this paragraph.

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13

My stream of consciousness is being disrupted by several things at this time. My computer has been giving me nothing but continual stress and troubles. First, my computer is a piece of crap. I called a guy to come hook everything up to it and he basically laughed and was unable to figure it out. Then the guy told me to take it to the campus computer store. I carried the entire, heavy hard drive to the store in the heat. While there, everyone I talked to laughed at me. I ate dinner alone, as I usually do since I have not made very many new friends. I have had no sleep because of how many classes I've had to take this semester because of credit hours and retouching courses. I am so stressed out. I just learned that my CDROM drive isn't working so I'm about to cry because now when I go home this weekend I have to convince my parents to fork over a bunch of money they don't have so my computer will be like everyone else’s'. My roommate’s Dad went through and installed everything one can possibly think of so she laughs at my computer problems which makes me feel worse. I miss my home and my dogs and my boyfriend and my friends so much that now I'm crying. All the stress I'm feeling is making me depressed and hungry and tired all the time. Gale, my roommate keeps me up really late at night and then wakes up at 6:30 to put on ALOT of makeup. She is so loud that I want to scream, but instead I keep my mouth shut because it feels like when I open my mouth to say things that might hurt peoples feelings or make them mad I end up losing the close relationship I had with them. So I guess I'm sort of keeping everything inside so that I don't lose any few friends that I made. It seems like everyone makes better grades than me here. I am so scared because I have so many questions about UT but nobody seems to know how to answer them. I knew that moving up here would be a big change, but I thought I could handle it. I know that once I adjust I will grow very strong and independent from this experience, but I feel that I may not be ready. I don't wear makeup for some reason that I have never been able to figure out. I always feel like I need improvement in something. Like with this essay, even though I know the length of it does not matter, I still feel it must be long to be acceptable. When I walk around to my classes I see so many people that they all look the same to me. It is so hot outside when I walk. I'm so thirsty right now that I am going to send this paper so I can get a drink. Then I'm going to call my mother and beg for a computer like everyone else has so I can feel like I fit in more. I won't get it so now I've got to prepare to use Gale's computer all year. My boyfriend is driving up here on Friday to spend the day with me at UT. I wish I had my own apartment so I could get some sleep.

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22

I love the movie Dirty Dancing. it is just a great movie. got to love patrick swayze. I got the crest white strips for my birthday. (not sure if it is an insult yet. Hehe)and they are pretty great. kind of make my teeth sore. But there is a price to pay for beauty. speaking of beauty. I burned my face! that makes me laugh. I was trying to use a curling iron, and got my fae instead. yep. What better than a burnt face?wow. Only 3 minutes have passed. Insane. I fell asleep at 7 in the morning yesterday because I am neurortic(or however you spell it). see. Over the summer I began watching queer as folk, and only got to the beginning of the second season, and at the moment, the show is in it's fourth. so. Having the luxury of high speed internet, I went to the website and caught up on the 40 episodes I have missed. and for every episode there were two video clips. And needless to say, I watched them all. it was amazing to see whathappened with the characters. they changed so much. I kind of hate watching shows because I get so attached to the characters. I feel they have an obligation to me to do the "right" thing. maybe that is why I am addicted to the young and the restless. I have been watching this soap opera since I was 6. Not Playing. kind of like a family tradition. my mom passed the torch on to me, and to this day I still record the show! I can't get enough of it. My brother tells me I am neurotic all the time. so I have a funny way of doing things sometimes. Doesn't everybody?. I like to eat the skins of pickles but only dill pickles. And I don't like to eat the seeds or membranes of a jalapeno. So what!. He makes me laugh. wow. Only ten minutes so far. Twenty minutes is a long ass time when you think about it. But not when you are watching a show. my mind goes to michael now. The "man" of my dreams. known him since sixth grade and never really got oever him. I think I think about him out of habit now. Who knows. He got me a dirty dancing poster for my birthday. That was incredibly sweet. my birthday activities revolved around dirty dancing. went to see the mr. Sinus people make fun of the move I love dearly. it was damn funny I'd have to admit. patrick swayze is fantastic. I would marry him right this minute. Well maybe not. I would marry "johnny" right this minute. I feel lonely. Never had a boyfriend. I know why. But we won't get into that just yet. probably never. I just want someone to think I am special. Someone to think I am cute. someone who will go out of their way to see me or just someone who really understands me. Wow. kind of makes me want to cry. I am a big brave dog. hehe. just a phrase me and my best friend use when we feel a little weak. the older I get the more I think about these things. wanting a companion. wanting a boyfriend. makes me feel unusual not having one. Never having one. but who knows. Maybe I will meet the man of my dreams tomorrow. Highly doubt it. But anywho. I find that now that I have less time. I want to get more out. This is very helpful. I wonder if I am pretty. From time to time I think I am, but then I see myself on an off day and realize why I have never had a boyfriend. I like john ritter. Love jack from three's company. would marry him in a heartbeat. maybe my standards are too high. I don't know. I know why . But that is another story. can't believe all this just came pouring out of me. Strange. I thought this would be difficult. I like this. A lot. I love the dirty dancing soundtrack. What a wonderful movie! there is none better. Maybe Hedwig and the angry inch. But dirty dancing will always come first. patrick swayze was my first love. if you can call it that. first one who mademe cry.

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25

I feel a little behind in everything I am doing for school. I have a hard time reading for long periods of time. My eyes cannot stay focused for very long and words become blurry. It's a constant struggle to understand each sentence. I'm not sure if I have always had this problem. I can read novels fairly easy. I really hate being in class with a lot of people. I don't like to interact with them. They seem to be very clueless over the important parts of the material covered in each session. I'm tired of stupid Internet questions that waste class time. If I had a computer question, I wouldn't stop class to ask it and make myself look stupid like most computer illiterate students. Students in psychology seem to pretend that they are interested in what is taught, but they really are not fully in to the subject. There are so many students who claim they are psychology majors, when in fact, after they take Psy301, they'll change their minds to something over and over until they slide into the working class. I cannot understand many of my peers. Their conversations are pointless and insignificant to their life as a whole. They spend so much time conversing over issues that they usually don't care about. I dislike the general public in the college atmosphere. I thoroughly enjoy the professors, but I can't get any intelligent feedback from my peers. I realize I'm not perfect, by any means, but at least I attempt to improve my intellectual state, somewhat. There are way too many sheltered students. I assume that professors have a hard time, especially with freshman, in trying to relate cultural differences. It must be extremely difficult to maintain the patience required to teach any level of pupils. Students forget that they are the ones paying for the class and the professor. Even in college, they still act as thought they're being forced to attend each session and assigned a certain professor. Most of the time, students fail to research their professors before they sign up for their class. I suppose it takes all kinds to make a world.

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5

Right now I am sitting in my room at my apartment on 1000 W. 25th street. The apartments are called the Chelsea, and I live with two other people in the apartment number 208. I have been stressing all day about when I was going to find the time to do my psychology writing assignment. I honestly feel like I have not had time in the past 6 days to even sit down for twenty minutes just to type out a stream of my thoughts. This is a pretty neat assignment. I am thinking about how I missed my metals class last Thursday from eight o'clock in the morning until noon. Since I missed the lab, I have to go in this Friday from like eleven until my two o'clock government section. Right now I am so tired I can hardly even think about my day on Friday. I am also thinking about what I am going to do tonight. I wasn't really planning on going out, but one of my friends in my Government class today asked me if I was going to go with her, so I ended up having to go because I would have felt bad saying no to her. What about the pre-testing I am going to do after this writing assignment? I hope it is not hard because I think my brain will just about break down. I really like psychology. I was talking to my dad about it on the phone yesterday, and I was asking him how I wondered why I never took a psychology class before. My high school offered psychology classes, I just never thought to take them. I took Sociology instead, and I actually didn't even like it very much which is weird because I ended up taking it once again before Psychology in College. I was actually thinking about my schedule for next semester. It is crazy, but I am actually already stressed about things for next year, like where I'm going to live, what classes I am going to take, make sure I live somewhere close to a bus stop. My bedroom is up the stairs in my apartment, it is pretty cool because me and one of my best friends live upstairs, and my other best friend lives downstairs. It is so cool because we have a great location, I mean, we are close to anything there is fun to do on West Campus. We can walk almost to any fraternity party, and to other of our friends' apartments who live around us. I ride the bus to class everyday, even though I could walk if I wanted too, but of course I don't. Plus, all of my classes are at the Art Building, and the West Campus bus takes you directly from almost the front of my apartment complex to the front doors of the Art Building. Three out of four of my classes are in the Art Building. It is kind of weird because only two of my classes actually involve art. Two dimensional design and Beginning Metals I. My government class is also in the Art Building, and I think it is because that is one of the few buildings on campus with an auditorium in it. I get really sick of being in the Art building, even though I run into the same people almost everyday and I know where just about any classroom is. I almost changed my major as a matter of fact, just because I was so incredibly sick of the whole art scene. But, I thought about it for a while, and i realized that designing jewelry is what I truly want to make a career out of. It is really frustrating though, because all of the art classes are four hours long, twice a week, AND i only get three hours of credit for them! It is crazy! I was going to actually apply to get into the Design school, other than just studio w/minor in metals, but I went to the seminar for Design and it is totally not what I had in mind. They do things like design posters, building, add things to computers in clip0-art and such and use things like digital cameras. We had to use digital cameras in my two dimensional design class yesterday and it was pretty cool. Although I had no idea to what my teacher's motives were behind the assignment I actually had fun. She paired me up with someone in my class that I don't think I ever talked to until yesterday. We walked from the Art building to the Tower twice! Well, actually, we walked their twice because the camera we checked out said we could take 139 pictures. Yet, after only taking five, the camera said our memory card was full. It made me so mad, but it was okay in the end because we ended up getting our assignment done on time. I keep glancing up at the timer on the top of my screen I think almost every time I finish a sentence. I actually like this exercise because, even though I am timed, I actually am making some good points to myself. It is so weird how writers find themselves writing their best work, when they are not even meaning to or realizing they are doing it at all. I am definitely not saying this is one of my best writings, but I just remembered somebody telling me that a long time ago. I wonder what I will be doing after I finish writing this. Right now I keep stopping every five seconds and checking the timer to see how much time has gone by. I am really hungry. I have not eaten anything since I think around 1030 this morning. I definitely should have grabbed something to eat before I started righting this, but oh well. What will I have for dinner? hmm. i have no clue. I think after this, I will go ask one of my roommates to see if she can fix my computer because the AOL doesn't work for somer reason. We just got our internet connection today, which is another reason why I am just now doing this assignment.

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I'm so excited that my computer is doing what it is supposed to be doing today. Its really cool that I can watch movies through this sucker. Are you just supposed to write about whatever? This is pretty cool. I wanted to roller blade and some piece of crap girl told me I couldn't because some cop told her she'd get a $50 ticket, and plus it was raining, so that sucks. I am so ready to go out. I'm getting tired of sitting in my room all the time. I wonder what Jason thinks about me. Does he still want to get back together with his exgirlfriend that sucks. If he does then he's stupid because I'm probably way cooler than her, and she's only a junior in high school. That's ridiculous. Boy's are so stupid sometimes. I can't believe the things they do. I want to play hockey. I miss playing hockey with my neighbors. Maybe I'll find somewhere to roller blade, and I'll be able to play hockey. That'd be good. Shannon wanted me to teach her how to play anyway so that would work out well since she's an RA. She'd probably know of a place around here that is good to skate on. Man, I wish my hair would grow out. It looks so dumb since its too short to get into a good pony tail and I don't feel like fixing it most of the time. I want to get purple streaks put in it. That would be pretty interesting. What if I got my eyebrow or my lip pierced? I bet that'd be weird. Just to look at yourself in the mirror with that would be different, plus my mom wouldn't freak out or anything. I hope radio shack gets that 6foot cord in soon, so I can get this TV thing working better and get some of these stupid cords out of my way. I'm glad Jason traded cable connectors with me, so I could move the TV across the room. He wasn't using the length of it anyway. I really wish my mom hadn't sold my Nintendo, Mario 3 sure would be fun right about now. I wish I was funnier. I can't ever say anything funny. I only laugh at other people or at myself when I do something stupid or klutzy. That was so funny when Bobby ran into that pole. I still can't get over that. He's a weird guy, but he sure is cute. At least Chris is finally being half nice to me. That's different. I still can't believe he sat by me in sociology today. That's so weird. Matt is my friend and he never sits by me. Butt hole. I need to read for that class. I'm glad I only have one 1 o'clock class on Fridays, so I can sleep late. I hate getting up early. It sucks bad. Ultimate Frisbee would be so fun on Saturday. Nicole is lucky to get to be in rowing. I want to join something. I halfway miss track, but not quite. It really sucks with Coach McCoy yelling at you all the time. I don't know what the crap this thing is. Stupid cat. Radio Shack always tries to rip you off. That was weird when I got in that fight with the lady at the hotel in Cancun. She was so bitchy. I can't believe she thought we would steal the nasty bedspread from their skanky hotel. I want Lindsey and Jason to come visit me. I miss them. Dorks still in high school. Oh, well. I hope Lindsey is liking cheerleading more than she did her freshman year. I don't want her to go to Baylor next year. She needs to come her. That would be cool, but then I wouldn't be able to have any fun because I'd be afraid that she would get mad at me. I know I shouldn't care what Jason thinks since we only met like three weeks ago, but that boy is driving me crazy. He's so hard to read. I need to get in touch with Rachel and see what is up with her new baby brother or sister and find out what Taylor's address in Iowa is. For someone who liked me so much, he should have told me when he was leaving or something. What a spaz monkey! I wish I could get in touch with Tony. Eww. I need to call Preston. He's a weirdo. I need to see what concerts are coming up. He always knows all that crazy crap. That guy matt is pretty cool. I should email him or something. I need to go visit Roy. He's in a fraternity. Frats are so weird. They only seem to talk about their brothers and crap. Nicole is getting on my nerves somewhat. I know I shouldn't let the little stuff bother me, but when I'm with her all the time, its insane. Why can't she breathe with her mouth shut when she's sleeping. She needs to blow her nose or something. Anyway. This is a good song. I want to hear that Incubus song. That's awesome.

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ok wow I didn't see that timer going. I put some music on so I could let my mind run free / walking from class to class is my exercise of the day / people were out running in the track at one in the morning/ I was just studying/man I have a lot to read/ the way I see it I either work hard for these four years or work hard for the rest of my life. I don't even know what I want to be/ I guess your not suppose to/ I don't fit in right here/ the little people I've met here have 30 credit hours and are sophomore status/ I'm no where close/ I'm suppose to be doing laundry but I guess ill do that when I go home this weekend/ my hub is doing laundry right no with I forgot some clothes I left at home / I miss me some home cooking/ ummmm food. / I can eat food all day. even though I'm tiny/ chomper is what they call me. / I want to play 'halo' maybe when I go home we can play. I forgot I also have to get my license renewed. / don't I need a v. O. E. how would I get that in college/ everything is much more complicated here/ I don't know the town very well/ I like Austin's weirdness/ it reminds me of new York/ everyone doesn't care about how different you are and the way you look means nothing. / a guy thought I was a cop and I was going to bring him down for selling fake Rolex/ I'm 95 pounds/ I feel like playing some softball/ maybe when I go home/ everything is when "I go home" I need to read after this/ got to make people proud/ I can't wait for next year when Edward comes here/ hopefully they accept his transfer/ it was funny trying to get into my dorm. / oh well I guess sleeping in a car isn't so bad/ I like jewel/ she makes a lot of sense in her music/ and a lot of her music is on issues that are arguably big topics/ one of her songs made me think of ww2/ dogs were parachuted down with rations/ I found a dog around my street and named him 'black dog' /I'm not very creative. / I tried five different places to put him in because I don't have money to take care of him/ I tried the places that don't put them down/ no one had space though/ the ones who are supposedly his owners are cruel they poured gasoline on him one day and I washed him up/ I used to watch that animal police shows/ what a dork/ I liked them though/ one of them had a case where they got to the suspects house and tried to take this dog in and it refuse to go. it kept pulling in order to stay and it kept digging on the floor/ it turned out the dog was trying to save her 12 puppies that the owners tried to bury alive. / that's sad. / people are insane/ no matter how ill treated pets are especially dogs/ they will always love the owners/ its weird/ people wont get that/ being on a ferry in new York was crazy there were lots of people. /pushing to get anywhere/ I saw jerry Seinfeld/ it was cool/ it literally is the city that never sleeps/ at four a clock in the morning they were still walking around/ I wonder when my roommate is getting here/ she likes Irish stuff/ I never asked if she was Irish. / maybe I should ask. / we need a bath mat and air freshener for those not so pleasant moments/ I should probably go down and rent us out a broom/ but I probably wont/ I'm hungry again and I just ate/ I'm going to become obese I can feel it. / I don't want to get fat/ what a typical thing to say for a girl/ oh well I guess I'm typical/ can't wait till I go back home.

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I am in my dorm room in jester west staring at the keyboard. my friend's dad just bought me a new dell computer because mine was so old that it would not recognize ethernet because the technology is too new. I am listening to an allman brothers band cd that I downloaded and it's pretty good. I don't know if I'm doing this right but I guess I am because I'm just typing what I'm thinking. I had to wake up at 8 this morning for a ta session for calculus which was of no help at all. she gave us the easiest problems ever and the class ran late so I had to walk into my biology class after it had started. it seems in math the teacher always explains things that are so easy and when u get to the homework u find that its nothing like class at all. I am noticing crumbs on my keyboard from the new flavor blasted goldfish extra cheddar I sampled some in the campus store and they were so good that I bought them. ok now it is getting hard to type bc I keep thinking too hard I think. I am now downloading the movie super troopers. the very first thing that I downloaded after getting my computer was the movie yellow submarine. I love having kazaa because I never have to buy cds or dvds ever again. I have an hour until my next class which just so happens to be psy. after that I think I am going shopping because my dad's wife just sent me 100 dollars for a graduation present. my sister is iming me right now. she had an away message about how mondays suck or something so I told her to think about pollyanna haha I thought it was funny. my roommate went outside to study because our room is like 20 degrees below zero at all times. I like my roommate but she is one of those overly caring people. I feel so bad saying anything mean about her though because it seems like I inconvenience her more than she does me. well maybe not I don't know. I thought that the university would match roommates according to their time schedules and interests. haha it was kind of funny because I was just assuming that my roommate was going to be a person who listened to the same kind of music that I do because that was one of the questions that you had to answer. well she does not and she only has like 5 cds and they are probably the worst ever, well maybe not but avril levine is one of them which indicates a total lack of good taste in music for her part. it always makes me wonder when people are really smart but they like dumb things like she has serendipity. I am a big john cusak fan but that movie was awful everything they said sounded so practiced and forced it was disappointing, and I probably spelled that wrong I can never remember if there are 2 s's of 2 ps and maybe there are 2 of both I don't know I guess ill look it up after I am finished with this. which I almost am I have less than one minute left woo hoo no I'm just kidding, this wasn't too bad and I got to practice my typing. I can type pretty fast but I look at the keyboard and I

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This seems hard to do. I am not exactly sure just what I am thinking . The music I’m hearing is not bad shit at all. there is this girl I liking her. she is cool as shit . I’m anticipating going to a soulfood party in a little while . I finally feel like I am on top of things this and the girl put in a fan-freakin -tastic mood . thinking thinkin I hope me and my roommate stay friends and we don't want to rip each others heads off by the end of the year nas is cool . is that what I am hearing ? not sure. I am afraid of computers . I wish this dam assignment could have been done on loose-leaf no. the theory about computers- I don't want to learn how to use computers because they will eventually be so easy to use you could be a paraplegic(spelled that wrong) with no arms (chino) and still work one. 20 minutes seems long . this ain't that bad I hope no one reads this if so how is it (mobb deep) going take a break or a leak 69 this assignment can't be done wrong can it? my friend keeps putting on different hip hop in the back ground. purple haze home beer I have not drank nearly as much liquor as I wanted to since I got here or as much as I used to back home you can't drink in the streets here and all those other rules are really retarded . is that dela soul ? ---yes niceah that girl my neighbor to say the least . that would be cool as shit if it lasted hip hop find it man or no wait up play biggie smalls that song that starts off with his beeper going off I can't type someone finally agrees with my theory on computers walker is an arrogant bastard . !!!! sucka after that put on the one I want to hear yeah time is almost up uuuu this song I was good wu tang mystery what must go on I want to stop now I can not type for skit it has been twenty minutes? I am not sure so I will continue wu tang wutang wutang wutyang wwutangwutangwutang the wu why did they drop out of their tour punk ass niggas --quote tupac don't shed a tear for nigga. these boots were made for walking? your mom. the potato in the Saturday night fever stance nice drawing really tazwhat a tool this is getting to the point of using only one finger I want to learn how to speed read . the play rosencrantz and guildenstern are dead just popped in there I think I went over the allotted time see you later peeeeeaaaaacccceeee

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I returned to Austin Monday night at about 12:30 a. m. thinking I would be able to simply crawl into bed. Wrong. Upon opening the door to my room I was mugged by an extremely intoxicated friend. Her name was Sally and the source of her angst was my best friend Sean. They, as I am, are both from Houston. They had broken up their one-year relationship two weeks before they were to leave for UT. Unfortunately, they both reside in the private dormitory The Castilian. Unfortunately only because there is an exorbadent amount of tension between them, and I being friends with both of them, am forced into an awkward situation. Sally declares she is "so totally over Sean" and is willing to forgive, forget, and become friends. Simultaneously, she has been extra nice to me, extra offense to Sean, and picked up a nasty habit - getting totally plastered every night she has been in Austin. She has a lot of frustration with Sean, and regardless of what she thinks, needs to find more positive ways of venting it. Sean's feelings toward Sally are fickle and skeptical. Sean addresses some interesting questions Sally is unable to answer. Such as, why all of a sudden do you want to be "friends", what do expect from our friendship, and why did you suddenly latch onto Bryan as a friend. Sally's motives remain unclear and yet she doesn't seem to want to discuss any of the many issues at large. In turn, this makes the situation of the three of us living within 20 seconds of each other an awkward one. Am I to take a side? Most definitely not!!! I refuse! Yet how can I befriend both Sally and Sean without functioning as a mediator. This is one of the many issues that trouble me and make the transition from High School to Huge UT College life challenging. Thank you.

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Well, this is definetly the first assignment of its kind that I have ever done, I can only hope that i can find enough things to think about for 20 minutes, wait 28 minutes and 30 seconds. That was some math I was hoping to avoid. I wish it wasn't so early, as a matter of fact I shouldnt be awake right now, my next class doesnt start for two hours, nap time, YES! oh wait no thats not right There is still that whole writing thing I'm doing. Come to think about it this is a fairly effective way of making sure that all the students put the same amount of time, and at least a comparable amount of effort in there assignment. For better or for worse. At least the week has begun. In high school thats the last thing I would be thinking early on a monday morning, but it's how I feel now. Upon self reflection though I realize it's not just my insatiable lust for learning that drives me on in the week but rather a combination of that and the fact that I had to work all weekend. Oh well the week will be like a little vacation for me. Looking around the room I see some posters, some course sylabi, some empty cups, textbooks, oh yeah posters. The last one that I got from those irish vendors downstairs, where in Ireland did they say they were from? Can't Remember. Anyway the poster was one I had somehow missed the first time around, hard to imagine since its so darn cool. It's a nice photograph of an H bomb, its really the peice of art that allows the Zen of my tiny dorm room to be complete. right. Ok almost half way there. almost. almost. yes. Good. Even though this is a course assignment I feel very idle, a feeling that I don't particularly like. don't get me wrong I like not having anything to do but I have stuff to do, and was actually set to do it this fine morning. I wonder if the tracing of consciousness would be interrupted by catching up in the reading in my philosophy (abortion, everyones favourite topic). Well of course it wouldn't, but I am sure my ability to trace it would be impaired, and we wouldnt want that to happen. The abortion chapter in philosophy has really gotten me thinking (also thinking I need to finish that first chapter). It was something that I had never given much thought to other then what I saw or read in the media, or touched on in political discussions. I had always considered myself largely pro-choice, but being confronted with logical philosophical arguements has led me to rethink my stance and now I have absolutely no idea what to think about the issue. Of course there are an untold number examples of things that are philosophically logical, but practically not practical (I wonder of unpractical is a real word, yeah it must be, damn). Was there something about us not going back and changing what we wrote the first time? If there wasnt there should be. Except maybe with they dozens of typos I am constantly correcting. three seconds left bye. Continue writing? I don't think so.

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Today has been the worst and most stressful day ever. All I want is for something to go right! I tried to dot his paper about thirty seconds ago but it didn't work because again I've messed something up! I was talking about this in my last stream of consciousness paper that I thought was gone but realized after I had erased half o of it that it was really still there! AAhhh! Can something please go right? My Ethernet card was not properly packaged and is causing me and a few others serious drama because we've all been trying to make it work for four days now. I don't even know if I'm supposed to push enter when I get near the end of the line but I figure better safe than sorry as far as grades go. I just looked at the clock and I've only been writing for four minutes. Why does time go by so slowly when it counts. Speaking of timing, mine is the worst! I always like guys either before or after they like me but never while they like me. Whenever I like a guy I'm to shy, stupid, scared, immature to let him know, and by the time or if he likes me I have lost interest! Or they never have interest in the first place and I find that challenging and will pursue that guy instead of the one who likes me! Or in one case I'll find out that after liking me four two straight years, he decides to change sex preferences when I like him. AHHH! Actually I had my chance and now I'll have to live with regret forever, or until he wants an opposite sex relationship! Ten minutes to go and I'm running out of self-deprecating and embarrassing stories of my miserable unromantic life! I want someone who respects the fact that I'm not a traditional female and that likes my odd sense of humor and is also funny himself and finds me attractive. . Which reminds me as I look above my roommate’s computer of another guy who I let slip through the cracks Even though there was a slim chance of anything ever happening, I never acted on my feelings, Wait a minute I did spill my guts while playing truth or dare with him and other friends. I wish I could play truth or dare with the other guy I like(d) so that he'll know that it was me and not him that kept us ;apart, I liked you then and I liked you up until I found out there was no chance for us and I resented you a little! Someday I'll get up the courage to tell him! It is about twenty degrees Fahrenheit in my lovely room in Jester East on the tenth floor. The air Conditioning vent is blowing right in my face as I type. I have been having stomach problems all day, and they are starting to resurface, I almost passed out at the draw for the football game against Rutgers this Saturday, I refuse to paint my face half orange and half white as my roommate hopes I will. One minute to go and I'm starting to feel relieved that I wont have to think about this particular assignment ever again. Five percent of my grade is secured and pretty soon I'll be doing those psych experiments and that will be easy too. I'm majoring in psychology but I used to want to be an architect. Oops, I got carried away and wrote one minute over, now it is two.

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3:34 twenty minutes to write what I am thinking Well, I am writing this at a time when I should be in class, but at least I am doing my homework. Between reading the book and doing the writing assignments, I think I have this class covered. I must admit I hate missing class because there are so many hotties in the class. When ever I get bored listening to the discussion that is merely a repetition of info in the book, I can stare around at the hundreds of fine chicks in the class. Don't get me wrong the class is interesting, but that's my thought. The guy that is sitting next to me smells bad. I know him, and has just said hello, The only reason I know him is because he is in many of my music classes, and his girlfriend is Hot. Holy shit, she just came in here to talk to him. This is really fucked up. I am trying to evesdrop as I write this. He is telling her what to do. oh wait they are noticing me, she left. Why does she date hIM? He's so nasty. I'm hungry, I ate not to long ago, maybe I want a cigarette. Busy busy busy, have a trombone lesson at five, still have to get my instrument from the instrument NAZI. He was on the sick out we all hate him. Some dude I don't know came up to the guy next to me and pretended to be him girlfriend by rubbing his shoulders, It was funny, I am really starting to get tired of this, but hey anything for a good grade. I am thinking to much abbot what to write. what to think. I am hungry, I wonder what happened in class today I'll just read the next chapter of the book, I like the book it is interesting. Lots of people in the lab today, feel kind of weird writing, can't wait tell Friday, actually every day is good when I am not in class and don't have anything to do. The dude next to me started talking to me, I hate him, I don't even know what he said. Hey 3:54 see you bye

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Why must it be so hard? Why must I live like this? Would it not be better if I simply throw away my life? It would be so much easier. I wouldn't have to worry all the time about people's criticism. I wouldn't have to worry about making mistakes. But then, I'm human am I not? Aren't we social creatures? If I seperate myself from others, would I not cause myself harm? Would I not also cause others pain? A life lost is a gift lost. It is so difficult for me to live like this. Always in pain. But sometimes I gain a sense of glory when I live through the sufferings. It's as though these sufferings are meant to makme stronger. Like steel being tempered in a hot flame. Yet, there's still more pain to come. Will I survive? surely there will be a point when I will not get stronger and break. But then how will I know where my limit is? whether I live a mediocre life or on to te fullest, I will die. However, it seems as though the latr fashion of life is better. Therefore, with spirit, I will strive to live out that lifestyle. I try each moring, to fight the tempatations and do what is expected of me. If I live this way and think that it is the best way. Should I not persuade others to do the same? Why not? It seems that if everyone lived their life more fully, mankind will be more efficient and fruitful. We will prosperous as whole. But if I were to tell this opinion to others, someone will tell me that I should respect their opinion that they can do what ever they wish. But if it is right to repect all the opinions of all people. Would there not still be a conflict which contradicts that opinion that says that we all must respect the opinion of all? For example, what if someone else's opinion is that people should not accept all opinions as truth. Would not the opinion of the person saying that we should respect all opinion be contrary to that opinion? This brings about a lot of contradictions. Hence, notall opinions are to be respected.

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It is just past one a. m. and I feel like doing this now. I'm not really tired and know that I should go to bed because I have to go to class at eight tomorrow. I've done all of my homework and am extremely bored. I just got off the internet with my boyfriend back at home, which would be Conroe. He's lonley just like me and we have been talking for about three hours. I miss him a lot and don't quite know what to do. I really don't have a lot of friends here. I had seven best friends that I grew up with since around fourth grade and all seven of them went to A&M. I really feel left out. They all e-mail me and tell me what a great time they are having and I wish I were with them. I've wanted to come here since I was in fifth grade though, so this is a dream come true for me. I just wish I had someone to talk to. They were always there for me and we always had a great time. I also miss my family, which is probably to be expected in the first weeks of college. My brother called me today, he is 13, and told me that he just got a new dwarf hamster and I know he got it just because I told him last week that they were the cutest things. He takes everything I say to heart, even if he dosen't know it. My mom's and my brother's birthday is in a week and I'm not sure if I can get home. I wasen't able to bring my car up here so I'm stuck at the mercy of my roommate. I just want to be there for their birthday's. If my roommate dosen't go home though then I'm stuck up here. I've known Sara for quite a long time. For about eight years. We've never really been best friends or anything but we decided to room together because we knew we could trust each other. She is pretty neat, although she does complain a lot. I have really nothing against here though. I'm kinda hungry, if you would like to know that. Instead of eating dinner I went down the hall and watched the MTV music awards and ate candy and popcorn and I'm still hungry. I don't want to have to get up in the morning. When I scheduled my classes I should not have put four classes in one day, but I had no choice. I'm really regretting it now though. Homework is hard to do if it all has to be done on the same day. I'm also taking an aerobics class and it is quite fun. I never expected it to be so physical though. I know you are supposed to exercise and all, it's just that it hurts. I am so out of shape and it just makes me aware of that fact. My eyes are getting all fuzzy. And it is very cold. I'm getting tired now and I think it is because of all the blue writing on the white background. I wasen't tired before. So, my twenty minutes is almost up and I might go to bed now. I doubt it, I am a night person. I'd rather stay up all night and sleep all day. That would be great. Well, I'll talk to you in the next writing assignment.

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Okay here I am after I've been spending tons of time trying to get a book I need. I'm not worried about it anymore. I will focus on my other homework. I need to go to the lounge and get organized before lunch. Maybe I won't eat lunch. Tonight I have a party to go to and I am excited. I need to tell my friend what time we will leave. Where will I park? Maybe we should walk, but it will be late when we come home and very unsafe. The radio is on and I'm listening to country music. It's so great and calming. comforting--reminds me of home. I am going home tomorrow. I can't wait to see my two dogs and possibly go swimming in the pool. I will also help my mom get the new restaurant organized. Sleep is a priority as well. Oh, and I'll see my friends and be able to talk locally on the phone for a change. Wow, I forgot about the chance that I will get a home cooked meal. I need to get some more clothes from home and do my huge load of laundry. I'll come home Monday evening. I need to wash my car while I'm there. I hope my roommate is occupied enough while I'm gone. She can come home with me another time. I hear people in the hall all the time. It's amazing how many are up as early as I for an 8 am class. No one talks, it's like a march to a funeral or something. without the tears and gloom, just the silence. My eyes burn because I'm so tired. I took an hour nap yesterday, but I don't have time today. I can't get my Ethernet hooked up right and it really makes me mad--I'm VERY frustrated. very chapped! I am getting uneasy now; sitting here typing this is making me realize all of the things I need to do. I know though that I can get it done, just one thing at a time. Plus, I am doing one of those things right now. I wonder how many people here are close enough to home to go visit. I'm an hour away, not bad. I hear this song "looking for love in all the wrong places" and it reminds me of Eddie Murphy on the old Saturday Night Live. He did Buckwheat impersonations. I have an ache in my neck either from lack of sleep or carrying heavy books. I hope this doesn't sound like a letter. I am beginning every sentence with "I" but that's okay because I am supposed to notice how "my" thoughts flow. I wonder who ever got this computer stuff--internet, websites, etc. --started in the very, very beginning. Hmm, well, it doesn't matter that much to me. I just wish I could get my Ethernet hooked up. I like America Online, but it's tying up my phone line. That is also making my anxious right now. I guess the faster you type the longer the paper. I wonder what the other students doing this have to say. I wonder who will take their classes seriously and not. I hope I get some mail soon. I check it everyday and it's sort of depressing. I know people are writing/sending mail, but it just isn't here yet. That's my optimistic side. I hate the cold floor under my desk. I'm in jester, but I have carpet that I brought to go between the beds. I'm thinking of my friend in Alaska that will come at Christmas time. Will we have time for me to show the good stuff about Texas? My throat tightens to think of it. I stress easily. I feel a pressure to make his time here the best and to make him leave here thinking that Texas is the coolest place to be. It won't be as pretty in December though. Great, I have about 5 more minutes. My hands are slipping off this tiny space. I have no room on my desk. I want to get a huge piece of plywood and cover it with contact paper and make a huge desk--like the people down the hall. It would be so ideal. I am getting really anxious to go to the study lounge. I feel like I'll lose the urge to do my math homework if I sit here any longer. Oh, I can't wait until the party. Matchbox 20 ( my favorite group) is going to be there!!!!! I need to remember to take my camera. I also need to iron my shorts and pick out a shirt to wear. All of this by 4 PM--I believe that's when we'll go to the sorority house and hang out a bit, then get our wristbands and head over the block party. Well, my leg is falling asleep and my eyes are really getting tired now. I wish I could go to sleep. I hate it when I can't focus because I'm so tired. I value sleep more than money it seems. If that makes any sense. I am ready to go now, I feel the pressure of having too many things to do. I will take care of my math homework first. Then biology and art history. Psychology is halfway done now, but I need to get the book. no one has it. That is also causing a little aggravation. I hate to not be fully prepared for everything. Okay, my 20 minutes are up, I feel better having done this.

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26

Stream of Consciousness Where could she have gone? She has been gone for 12 hours now and she did not even tell me where she was going. She left at 1:30 in the morning and it is now one in the afternoon. All she said was she was going to buy cigarettes and she would be back in fifteen minutes. Oh God what could have happened to her. I do not know what I would do with out her. Rally what would I do if she wasn't around anymore. She is my best friend, my sister. We have been through so much together. She knows everything. Every secret, every feeling, every lie, every cry, everything. Please be okay, please be okay. Where could she have gone? She could have gone to A&M to see Adam. Or maybe she went to Waco to visit Mark. No she wouldn't do that; she has not talked to Mark since Monday. She wouldn't just leave without telling me where she was going. Maybe she went to see Charlie at Southwest. No, she couldn't have. They were in a fight last time she talked to him. Please just be safe. I am totally helpless right now. I have called everyone and left everyone messages. Who is going to call her mother? I have to tell her. No one else can do it. She is my mom too. I am the only one close enough to her to tell her what is going on here. She is there, in Houston, and she is going to freak out when she finds out here daughter has been missing for 12 hours now. I hope Susan is all right. I am going to be so relieved when I see her, if I see her. Relived, I am going to be pissed. How could she not call and tell me where she was going? It is the responsibility of a roommate to tell the other one where you are going. Who else can I call? I have to call somebody. Somebody has to know her whereabouts. I can't ever talk to anyone right now. I am hysterical. Calm down; just clam down, Cara. Everything is going to be okay. Should I wait to call her mom until after I talk to the police? NO that is wrong. It would be one in the morning when the police would finally do something. She couldn't do anything then. She would be as helpless as I am right now. That is not fair to her. She wouldn't be able to do anything at one in the morning. She would be totally freaked out in tears. Okay breathe, breathe. You can do this. Just dial the number. Come on push the buttons. Stop crying and do what you know you have to do. Stop crying, Cara.

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3

It was a really humid day today while I was walking around on campus, but now since I'm at home looking out my window, I see so many people coming home from campus, getting off the bus with water bottles. I realized that Texas weather is crazy. At one point it's humid and then the next it is super hot. It's nice and clear now. I'm sure its not that hot because it's going to be 6 pretty soon and it cools down around this time. Earlier today I thought it was going to rain. I really don't like walking around in the rain. My first day of class at UT it rained and I didn't know where I was going I was really miserable. Before you get home you get soaking wet and then the AC units are on all around campus so your freeze through your classes. Sometimes I wonder how the students at UT feel away from home. I know that my first semester here I was extremely homesick. I hated living away from home even though I was only 30 minutes away. I lived in an apt my first year and I regret the fact that I didn't live in a dorm because I would have gotten to meet so many more people that way. But then again I liked living in an apartment because I had my own space. I didn't have to share a bathroom with anyone and it sure wasn't a crowded community with only two people in 1200 square feet area. My freshman year I didn't meet very many people, but my second year I was introduced to so many more people and I started enjoying college rather than just staying at home and reading or doing homework and watching tv. There's been a big change from then and now. I actually like to stay in austin instead of going home on the weekends because I always have something to do. At home I get bored very easily. Of course I still miss my parents but its so different here with all my friends. All kinds of crazy actions go on. College life it super busy. This semester I feel is going to fly by. Before I know it I will be on Thanksgiving break then studying for finals and then home again in two weeks after that. Sometimes I feel like I need to be more active in school programs and associations. I never have time though. Something is always coming up. I have a load of homework or a test coming up that stops me from attending these functions, or most of the time I am just way too tired to do anything. For example, right now I wish I was lying in my bed taking a nap because I'll probably have to hit the books as soon as I'm done with this writing assignment. I never knew twenty minutes would take this long. Twenty minutes is a very long time. As you can probably tell I am getting very restless. I have very short patience. I like to take care of my business and get going on to the next. Time can be very crucial sometimes. When I'm late to class I wish I had more time to take are of all my stuff before I have to head out but other time when I have too much time on my hands I wish I had some chores to do or homework, despise the fact that homework can be a killer sometimes. I don't like the way this apartment is never the right temperature. It is always too cold or always too hot. It is never the right temperature. I think its because all of the rooms in this apartment are at different angles so they get cold and hot and different rates so my roommates and I always change the temperature on the thermostat according to how we each want it. Oh well I guess that's the way it works. I just looked at the timer and I have a minute or so left so now I'm thinking about time and going totally blank on my other thoughts. It's nice to randomly talk about different stuff. It's unusual but good writing assignment. Kinda funny that I sat here and typed away for a good twenty minutes, and I just got stopped so I guess that's it.

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17

The start of this semester has been again full of stress and anxiety. I wake up everyday depressed and knowing that the day will only bring about more problems. It is a bit pessimistic of me but this is what I am used to. For instance, right now I can feel my head throbbing because of my headache. The only reason I have it in the first place is because of school. The hardships of being a pre-med student have already taken a toll on me and sometimes I think I'm not strong enough to continue. The only think that keeps me going is the thought of one day making my parents proud. Yet, this means that I have to do extremely well in all of my classes and for the past year I have done far from that. I constantly worry about my GPA and not getting into medical school and it gets to a point where I tune out everything else. I'm even thinking about my chances at medical school right now typing this diary". This is the sad truth about me and I try to cope with it. I remember in the summer I had lost all care of school and GPA and I was finally happy and in a world of peace. I had thought that my return back to school would be much for more exciting because I had stopped worrying about this whole pre-med issue. Sadly, I'm here again thinking about it non-stop. Its almost like I go to school to impress my family rather than trying to have a fun filled 4 years. Why is it so difficult to become a doctor if you know that its what you want to do? Why do I have to compete with my peers for the few spots open in medical schools? Sometimes these questions drive me nuts. I try my best to distract myself from it. Like right now I'm listening to the rain hit my window. The sound of it crashing my window is so soothing and peaceful and I wish I was just outside splashing around. My life has turned into this academic challenge and I hardly have time for myself and my needs. I guess that's why I join organizations. Then again, they make matters only worse when they share with me how wonderful their GPAs are. I would do freshmen year all over again in a heartbeat if someone ever gave me the chance. I regret the recklessness I showed toward my work, thinking it was all going to be a piece of cake like high school. Maybe that is why I make my brother study so much. I never want him to make the mistakes I made yet am I ruining his own social life by doing this? I believe I don't. I think that in the end he will be thankful because he won't have to worry about taking 17 hours very semester just to raise his GPA so that schools will think of him as "competitive". I wish sometimes I had had a guide. My roommate from last year was a business major and all he did was read a textbook for 10 minutes and then watch TV and I would undoubtedly get dragged in. It makes me so angry to think that I was so immature and nonchalant. On a side note, I've never ranted so much before especially on the computer. It's kinda helping me to take off mental burden that I carry. However, staring at this bright monitor is only increasing my headache. Anyways, I basically just frustrate myself over this whole medical school dilemma. I wish I could just go into the future and not have to worry about this anymore. The day I get the acceptance letter (or rejection letter) will be the happiest day of my life. I'll probably try again the next year but it won't matter to me as much anymore. I don't really know how to explain it but that same anxiety that goes with "first times" won't be there anymore. I've considered many majors and have really thought about doing something else with my life but somehow I'm always dragged back into medicine. Maybe its the challenge that I like even though at times I would gladly give it up. Maybe I worry so much about my future because I really want to see myself become a doctor. This is truly my passion and I'll never give up on it no matter how hard it gets at times. I just hope I'm not the only one going through this hysteria because it would really make me look like a psychopath after this. Even so, something tells me that I'm not alone out there and sometimes that just brightens up my day even if it's for a short while.

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4

Well this is the first writing assignment of the semester. You had said in our first meeting that we could write out a rough draft before we submitted this copy to you. I figured that since this is a stream of consciousness writing that it would be best if this were written straight to you without proofreading or rewriting. Well today I got back from visiting home for the Labor Day weekend, I'm feeling really homesick right about now, I think it's even worse than when I first left home for the first time to move to UT. But I'm sure as the week goes on, I'll adjust again. I think that as the year progresses and I visit more often, the coming back to school when the weekend is over will get a lot easier, because it will become I routine type of thing. Have you noticed that I've started all the paragraphs, with the exception of this one, with the word "well"? I think that's a word I use to start off thoughts that I don't know how to start off. I don't know if that's good or bad, but who really cares, right? This isn't Rhetoric. The first football game is this coming weekend, my first Longhorn football game ever. Of course I've seen games on TV, but being at the game is always better and more exciting. Just the like the San Antonio Spurs, I always watch them on TV, but being at the game is so much fun. I just learned this weekend that someone from my graduating class is in my psychology class. This isn't a person that I ever talked to, in fact, I never even knew who he was until a good friend of mine started dating him. I'm guessing he saw me in the class when we first met last Thursday, I didn't see him though, as you know, there are 540 people in that class. Last night as I was falling asleep, I started thinking about the homework that I need to get done. Then I started thinking about this writing assignment. I couldn't fall asleep because I couldn't remember when this assignment was due. In my head I continuously thought, "Is it due the 15th or the 5th?" Of course, I've always been this way, I always seem to contradict myself. In elementary school, I would lay awake at night trying to remember if I had finished all the work that was assigned to me. I would literally get up every night to check my backpack to make sure it was all finished and that I had put it all into my bag for the next day. I have a feeling I'm going to be this way in college, my biggest fear is FAILING. I know that if I work hard, I won't, but I can't help feel this way. Wow, has it been 20 minutes already, yes it has. I got a class in 20 minutes. This was fun, got to go.

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6

Austin is very different from my home town. I live in a small town about 60 miles south of Houston called Sweeny. It has only 3500 people in the whole town. Everywhere you go you run into someone you know. Austin is so big and when I meet people I wonder if I will ever see them again, but so far I have seen a lot of people I have met. I live in Kinsolving and I have met a lot of girls in my dorm that are really nice. I like the UT campus too. It is not to spread out although I do have to walk a lot to get to my classes. That is ok because I can use the exercise. This psychology class and my chemistry class have over 500 people in it. That was very overwhelming for me but I have adjusted somewhat. Today I was walking on the drag and saw so many people out and about for the game. It is the first game of the season and I'm very excited. There are so many people that used to go to school here or are just big Longhorn Fans. They are all dressed in orange and many have their kids with them and even the kids are dressed in orange and white. It is really neat to see so many supporters and fans of the school and the football team. I am really excited about the game. I hope we beat North Carolina State. It seems so weird that I can consider myself as "we" or part of the UT traditon, atmospere, and college! I hear we have the number one recruiting team in the nation. That is cool because these are people the same age as me. I met one of the new recruits the other night. He was huge and I'm sure he plays on defense. He sure didn't look like a freshman!! As you can tell I like football. I think a lot of that has to do with the time of year. Probably also because my dad was a high school football coach and I've grown up with it all my life. Also I was a cheerleader in high school and I miss cheering a little, so I always look forward to a football game. That is probaly why I am so excited about the game today. It is amazing to me that so many other people feel the same way about football. I also am excited about the game because it will be fun to learn the UT traditons and meet new people. Well my 20 minutes is up. I hope I wrote enough but I just don't type very fast so it takes me awhile to type out what is on my mind.

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22

pennebaker I used to think it was spelled pennebaker and I couldn’t logon to the web page cause I kept spelling it wrong, silly me. but that’s the story of my life I guess, one time, I thought I was going to psy class, but I had the day wrong, and I ended up going to a chemistry class!! and I said to the guy next to me, "is that the usual guy who teaches?" and he goes, "yeah" duh. and my eyes are pretty bad and so I was like, okay. and then well, he started talking about chemistry, and that's when I realized that I had the wrong day and was in the wrong class. but I was such a nincompoop, for some reason, I just didn't want to leave the class, maybe it was the really hot girl who sat down next to me, yeah, I guess it was probably her, but anyway I ended up staying in there and finding the class very interesting, and so I wouldn't look like a freshman, which of course I am, I started to take notes. you know, I won't keep them or anything, but I couldn't just sit there while this guy was giving this awesome lecture and not take notes!!! especially when that girl next to me was taking notes so fast like. but there's too many girls are this school. I mean, wait, I mean, too many girls who think they're pretty and try to hard. maybe there's too many guys in the same class, I wouldn't know. but like, I find it amazing. I mean, of course, in highschool, they're were girl who tried so hard to impress everyone and make themselves so beautiful, and all us guys were like the ones who try the hardest are the ones who fail the hardest!!! fail meaning don't do a good job of making them selves look good. I don't know, I just always preferred the beautiful ones who didn't have to paste on the makeup on for hours every morning. sometimes, I would and still wonder how long it takes a particular girl to get ready to go to a college class. it looks like it takes them FOREVER! it's amazing, I just get up, take a shower, do the person hygiene things that everyone does, put some clothes on, and go. I don't know. maybe I should spend more time getting myself prettier. I just find it disgusting, that's all. and one time, one of my friend sent me this email with the most awful, brutal, disgusting pictures I’ve ver seen. I was so depressed for like days after I saw them. I don't know what they were of, I mean, if it was a war or what not. but it was these pictures of people who were dead, and they way the died, it was just horrid. I mean, I’ve seen some nasty deadly pictures of hanging and shooting people and everything, but these were just simply horrid. and I never get sad or depressed these days, at least not any more. I used to be though. and get this, it was cause of a girl that I was so depressed!! can you believe that!? I was going out with her, right, and it was all good, and then one day she said not any more, and I couldn't believe it. it was such a shock, I was amazed, and therefore depressed for like, well, for months, probably around 6 months were I felt that I was leading two separate lives!! it was horrible. and you know, with things like that, the only thing that helps is time. lots of it. I guess that’s what my uncle is going through. uuhh, lemme see, I think it was probably about 5 months ago, maybe more, maybe less, my cousin was at a party where many illegal substances were being used, cocaine, speed, you know, those terrible drugs. he ended up getting in to a fight over the use of a telephone with some African American male (my cousin and I are Hispanics, well, I’m just half Hispanic and half white, but he was pure blood) and they got into a fight, and the African American guy ended up stabbing my cousin and killing him. it was instant or anything, my cousin was a really big guy. strong and big and everything. he had a wife and a daughter. she's so beautiful. she had no idea what was going on at her fathers funeral. I mean, she's old enough to walk and talk and stuff like that, but she was clueless. and so I was I for that matter. she probably understood it more than I I did the more I think about it. his funeral was so so, well, the most beautiful and sad thing I’ve ever seen in my life. that's what my mom said about princess Diana’s death, but it pertains to this as well, at least for me. we buried him. in a cemetery, next to some family members. he was 21. it wasn't his time. it wasn't his place. but, God has a reason for everything, you know. I wonder if I’m just writing this out and nobody is going to read this, and I wonder if and when you, if there is a you, reads this, when that will be. it's 5:28 p. m. Wednesday, august 10th, 1997. I miss him. another really close friend of mine died of cancer on march 13, 1995. but we won't go there, things just kind ad up you know? Anyway, did you know that right now and for the past 2 decades Neptune has been the farthest planet from our sun!? did you know that!? I didn't! I was amazing, my thumb is really hurrying from hitting the space bat so darn often. I miss my cousin. I didn't know him well enough. my other cousin, all the full blood ones, the true ones, they took it a lot harder that I did. they were into to things like that, and it was like a wake up call for them. for me, it was a wake up call that I don’t' think I’m ever going to pick up. it's like it hasn't really happened, STILL. after all this time, I STILL hasn't really happened!!! is that amazing? talk about denial. but it's more than just denial for me, I mean I truly still don't think it's hit home yet. it s just one of those things you read about, see on T. V. it's not something that happens to your cousin. my cousin was murdered. my cousin was murdered. can't believe that, saying that, my cousin was murdered!? is it true? was he murdered seriously!? can that be, is it possible!? is that SO!? IS THAT SO!? I PRAY TO GOD THAT THE PERSON WHO KILLED HIM REALIZES HIS SINS IN JAIL, FOR THE NEXT 25 YEARS AT LEAST WITHOUT BAIL, AND I PRAY TO GOD HE REPENTS FOR HIS SINS, AND I PRAY TO GOD THAT GOD FORGIVES HIM, CAUSE LORD KNOWS I NEVER WILL in memory of Shawn Albert Deolloz

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28

As I am writing this, the Red Sox are playing the A's. I think this really may be the year for the Sox. I hope so because how cool would it be to see the "Curse of the Bambino" broken. Their lineup is killer this year, and they are finally playing the game the way it's supposed to be played: defense and pitching. They look like the 1996-2001 Yankees. I'm ready for a World Championship for my Sox. I just read an email from home, from my Dad. I miss him, just having someone around to talk to. I guess I am really lucky to have the kind of bond with my dad that I do, most guys don't. I mean, not many people have the kind of Dad who taught them how to play sports and things like that, but I have vivid memories of being 8 and 9 years old and my Dad throwing me passes in the parking lot at the ferry. With football season starting, I really realize how much I miss the game. I mean, it's been 6 years since I DIDN'T play football during the fall, and it is kind of hitting hard. I miss putting on the pads, taking the hits, the excitement of Friday Nights, being the Captain. I miss D a lot too. we had such a crazy fall last year, always know that we should be together but never being able to get it right. I miss 8th periods with her, driving around in my jeep and talking. I miss Saturdays, the days after games hanging out and eating hoagies, watching football with Micah. I've been gone 3 weeks, and I'm not homesick, I'm just kind of missing the Crew. I miss Meghan a lot. For 4 years, she's been one of the biggest things in my life, and I really think she is finally being able to grasp the fact that I am one of the biggest things in her life too. Which is good, because I really cannot see either of us drifting away from the other. I hope Andrew is doing ok. I'm sure he is, such a small school is good for him. He really craves that small environment where he can stand out and garner attention for being the "Big Guy", the built guy. a school like this would be terrible for his self-esteem. But oh well, whatever floats your boat, right? I really hope Micah does ok. that kid has never been in a social group or circle that I didn't bring him into. He may really struggle with finding his niche at school. I hope not thought, he's my best friend and I need him to be self-confident and happy so I can stop worrying about him. I can never really tell if worrying about people is a good thing or a waste of time. I worry so much about Meghan, with her mother walking out on her and everything. and Meghan is so reclusive when it comes to her emotions, even to me. it betrays her every once in a while thought, when I have a beautiful, crying girl in my arms, and it's almost satisfying to see a basic human reaction/emotion out of her. I hope D is doing ok. being the only one of US not to go to college has to take it's toll on her. but from what she says, she is getting her act together. I just couldn't take seeing one of my best friends throw their life away on such a worthless guy as Lee. thank God she's finally going in the right direction. Maybe I won't have to live out that diner scene in my mind and deal with a haggard friend down the road somewhere. Of course, if it was going to be anyone who did, it would be me. Going away has finally moved people to express themselves, and it really does making me feel satisfied that I AM having an impact in someone's life. or, a lot of someone's. I really don't mean that to sound arrogant, it's just that I invest so much of myself into those people. and I really believe it has paid off. My family seems to being doing well. I'm glad. The girls will be back in school soon, and next year Maggie will be in my position. That's crazy. Go Sox.

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28

OK, so I'm sick and I don't feel good. But I feel better than yesterday and last night. I woke up about a million times last night feeling horrible and my temperature just kept climbing. I finally took some Tylenol at about 4am this morning and I woke up later sweating, so I hope that means I broke the fever. Now I just have this stupid cough to worry about. I hate coughing because it hurts my throat. I need to call my voice teacher and tell her I can't come to lessons today because I'm sick. Which sucks because I haven't had a lesson in forever. And she's the best teacher I've ever had. I guess keeping the extra money is good. Ugh. I'm coughing again. It sucks. My dog is looking out the window. I have a lot of studying that I need to do today. I need to catch up on a bunch of stuff so that I hopefully can go to Dallas tomorrow to see Sister Hazel in concert again. But I seriously don't know if I'll be able to go since I'm sick. I'm on medicine, so hopefully getting another round in me today will help. Goodness this stupid clock is going so slow. I've only been typing for 4 minutes. I think 20 minutes is a bit excessive. There's not even a pause button. What is I have to go to the bathroom or someone comes to the door. Seriously. Plus, I want to lay down. I want to get something to eat and take my medicine. I need to call my voice teacher. So, I want to go to Dallas this weekend but I also want to stay to go to some stuff that's going on down here. Mostly because the guy I have a crush on will be there too. And he's been giving me very mixed signals lately. Which is so frustrating. I don't know what to think or how to act around him. I'm trying to act almost aloof, as if I don't care. Part of me thinks he's just toying with me to stoke his own ego. And I refuse to play into anyone's ego. I don't want to get hurt. It sucks. And this cooler weather is reminding me of couples. Being able to snuggle and all that. Not that I've ever had that. I'm 22 and I've never had a boyfriend. Which is OK. I don't define my self worth by a guy or if I've had a boyfriend or not. But sometimes I do think it world be nice. But it's whatever God has planned for me. If He thinks I'm not ready, then I'm not ready. I need to start spending more time with God. Just get my focus back on Him. So many things have happened these past few weeks and I feel that they've all been for a reason. And I'm graduating in December and I have no idea what I'm going to do. I'm excited and terrified at the same time. Will I get a job? Where will it be? Will I like it? Will I actually get to end up doing what I want to do? Why am I so scared to put myself out there sometimes? The worst that can be said to me is no. There are always other options. If you want something, you've got to spend that time and effort it takes to make it happen. So I just called to cancel my voice lessons and my voice teacher is going to charge me for this week anyways because its a "late cancellation. " Well, I know that, but it's not like I knew I was going to be running a fever. I mean, seriously. Have a little compassion. And my stupid thermometer just ran out of batteries. So now I can't even take my temp anymore. Guess that means I'll be making a Wal-Mart run later today. I need to get some more Vicks Vapor rub anyways. I hate being sick. I've always thought of myself as a singer and singers can't sing when they're sick. OK, only a minute and a half left. I can do this. I can get through it. If my cough doesn't kill me first. Blue skies, shining on me, nothing but blue skies do I see! My dog is barking at something. She's loud and it's annoying. I need a drink of water. I want to be well. I need to study. I need to do a bible study. YES! I'm done! That's all, folks! BYE!!!!!!!!

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right now im sitting here listening to dave matthews and my roommate is eating fritos with bean dip so i can smell the bean dip and its pretty nasty- ruffles with french onion dip is so much better but whatever- if thats what she wants to eat then thats fine with me. i think im going to go to the gym and work out tomorrow- the navy stuff hasnt been very much running or working out or anyhting so its kind of pointless to call that my workout for the week. i think maybe its because were just coming back from the summer and maybe people are out of shape and stuff or something because the navy should be a,little more hard core than its been. i think the new dave cd is kind of weird but its pretty good- the type of stuff you can listen to over and over without getting sick of it or something. this keyboard is so weird to type on- im used to my desktop keyboard and this one feels so weird because i like have to reac across it or something- i don't know what is so weird about it. i really wanted chick fil a for dinner today but it closes so early at the union- its pretty annoying- so i had to get wendy's which is good but its not what i wanted. when i was little i lived in north carolina and i used to get a number 6 with sweet tea- the sweet tea in the south is so good- and then i moved to new jersey and you can only get unsweetened tea and you have to put sugar in it and its pretty gross because then the sugar doesnt even really dissolve into the tea so you get nasty granules of it in your straw. i don't even know if you can order sweet tea down here- i havent tried but i doubt it. you have to dissolve the sugar into it before its cold because its so much better that way. now i want some sweet tea but theres no way im going to be able to find any right now so maybe ill have to figure out a way to get it for tomorrow or something. i think my cd is over now. no its not. i don't know why i always think its done right here but i always think that and its pretty annoying. oh well i guess its a nice surprise to still have a lot more left on the cd. my stereo stops after one cd instead of just going on to the next one. maybe i should figure out how to program it so it just goes to the next one. i feel like im typing really loudly and im distracting emily or something. oh well she can live. im really tired and its only like 9:45. probably because i woke up at like 5:30 this morning. this song is definitely the best on this cd. i love dave matthews- I've been to so many concerts and they were all awesome. ill have to find one down here to go to or maybe ill just wait until im back home and go to one then. that way i would be able to hang out with my friends back there. not that i wouldnt be able to hang out with them anyway. it doesnt smell like bean dip anymore- now it smells like air freshener. i wonder who thought of making up air fresheners- its so random. is this supposed to be in complete sentences and with good punctuation or anything? i don't think so- so oh well. my knee hurts. i think i should ice it or soemthing but i don't have an ice pack. i guess ill have to get that sometime. an ice pack and sweet tea. if i wasnt typing right now i would write that down somewhere but hopefully ill remember it later. this song sucks and im thirsty now becasue i was thinking about sweet tea. you can't even order sweet tea in the north because they look at you like youre retarded and then theyre like um are you retarded and then youre like no give me iced tea and some sugar packets but im not going to be ahppy because its going tp be nasty. i could go for some pizza- liek the good stuff you can get in real pizzerias- is that how you spell pizzeria? i guess it doesnt matter. i miss the italian food from up there so much. i can't wait to go home for christmas just because the food is so good up there. not taht the food isnt good down here- its just all mexican or tex-mex or barbeque adn who can live off of that all the time? i need more pasta. penne ala vodka is possibly the best food ever created. i think ifigured out the problem- im too short for this desk or something. you have to be like really tall to sit here and type forever because if youre not then you start getting all pissed off because its weird to type here. or maybe its just me. i doubt it. ill have to ask emily what she thinks at the end of this thing because i swear this is just a weird position to be in. hmm. im thinking about getting some phone books to sit on or something. haha how funny would that be? and im not even abnormally short or anything- its just weird to be here like this. im so

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As I sit here at my desk typing, all I can think about is how hot I am and how come our room is so unbelievably hot. I am under a lot of stress right now because I have so many pages to read and it takes me so long to read them since I have trouble focusing on them. By body is starting to sweat, maybe I should tell my RA to turn down the AC. I am really stressing over having to read biology, because, no matter how much I read it, I just can't comprehend what the book is saying. I'm sure I will struggle in biology this year. At first, I couldn't understand why you are making us do this, but now that I am doing this I understand the purpose behind it. This is really helping me to gather my thoughts and it is actually nice to express your feelings. My stomach feels extremely full because I just came from the Dobie cafeteria. I really wish I hadn't eaten so much junk food, I need to eat healthier. I am really regretting eating that ice cream, I have got to stop doing that. I also need to work out more. It all of a sudden just occurred to me that the reason I am so hot is because I am sunburned. When you're sunburned does your body just start letting of hot air or something? It is obviously clear that I am unfamiliar with the way my body works. I am dreading class tomorrow because I am so behind on my reading. I probably should be doing reading instead of doing this. Its funny how you find yourself doing anything just for the sake of avoiding the things you don't want to do. I only have to write for a few more minutes. I wonder what my test is going to be like in biology. If I take great notes and read, even if I don't comprehend it very well, will I still be able to do well on the tests? My elbow has just started throbbing because I scraped it water skiing earlier today. I really wish I wouldn't have fallen because it starts throbbing every time I extend my elbow. Oh great! Time's up. Talk to you later. katie

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I am so glad it is Friday. I am going home because my friend is also going home and his parents are out of town, so he is going to have some parties. I know it will be fun. I am also going to get to watch my brothers football game. He is a senior this year, and from what he has told me he is doing good in football. I only live an hour away from Austin so I don't have a long drive. It could be long though if I-35 is bad. I just go North on 35 until I get to Temple so I am happy about that because I don't have far to go. I also miss my boyfriend who I will get to see tonight also. We have been going out for 6 months now, which is definately a record for me. I sometimes ask myself what in the world is wrong with me? All my friends and my parents also ask me that same question. I just tell them I have no idea. He is a real nice guy though, and will do anything for me. He pays for everything and takes me anywhere I want to go or do. I do not like Austin much, but i love UT. I know that is weird but I'm not much of a city girl. I hate all the traffic and the weird people. That is why I love going home because it is out in the country. We have trees and ponds surrounding us and not huge buildings. It is also a lot more peaceful out in the country and you don't have the sounds of cars or big rigs. I like the apartment I am living in this year. I have three other girls as roommates and it is a lot of fun. They are also from a small town so we get a long really well. Last year I lived in the dorms and I hated them. I lived in San Jacinto and they were real nice for a dorm but I didn't like them because I didn't have a kitchen or my own privacy. It really just didn't feel like home. My apartment is a lot better mainly because it is bigger. Well I wonder what I am going to do this weekend. Probably go to Cole's and do some homework and read. I want to float the river, I know I can talk Cole into doing that with me. Cole is my friend coming into town because his parents are out of town. He plays baseball for Howard Payne in Brownwood. His sister also goes there and she plays volleyball, and throws the shot and disk in track. There is also a guy from my school that plays basketball there. I actually live in Little River- Academy. Which is about 10 minutes outside of Temple. We are a 2A school and we won the basketball state championship last year. It was an awesome experience. It was the first time we had won state in any sport. We got second place in 1998, we lost to Krum by like 10 points. Well I think I am going to take a shower and eat and then leave Austin so I can get home in time to go to my brothers pep-rally. I talked to him last night and he said he was going to get to participate in the pep-rally so that starts at 3:00, so I'm probably going to leave in about an hour. That way I won't have to rush. This also seems like the longest 20 minutes of my life. I think I am going to have chicken strips for lunch and fruit punch to drink. I am very excited about next weekend. I am going to College Station to see my best friend and we are going to go to Ag-Kickoff. Pat Green, Cory Morrow, Roger Creager, Cross Canadian Ragweed, and other bands are playing there. That will be a lot of fun and I am real excited. I went on the big ski trip last year with all of them and that was also a blast.

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I love this song so much. well, actually I love the band. Our Lady Peace, where did they come up with this name? It doesn't matter but it's just a question. I can't help but think back to freshman year of high school and remember the times that these songs remind me of. those were good times. ahh, well times change and new things come along. geeze, I'm so hungry. I can't wait to go eat with mom and dad. They are so great. I can't believe how much money they've spent on me and sam for college so far. wow, that's a lot and I'm so lucky. this next song is so good. I love this whole cd. music is such a great thing to have. it expresses feelings that you can relate to and it is a great way to relax. school is so different. I don't know what to study and there is so much reading. I feel so overwhelmed. oh, the football is is tomorrow. I'm so excited about it. they better win. and the red sox I hope will keep on winning. I want them so badly to go to the playoffs, even if they are the wildcard. they deserve it. isn't it funny how you come to like something? for example, how I became to like the redsox. I know I came to like them because of michael. it's funny how you like something or show interest in something that the person your dating likes. I couldn't help but like them because he did and it gave us something to talk about and be interested in. I like the redsox now and it came from him. he is such a great person. I can't believe we've been together for this long. almost 3 years is such a long time, but it has been great. he is sweet, funny, kind, nice, beautiful and he makes me feel good. He is my best friend. I can't wait to go get my pedicure today with Andrea. It will be good to see her and spend time with her, she is such a sweet girl and is always willing to talk to me. it's weird not seeing all my friends from high school. I miss them so much. I can't Anna had a baby! She is such a great mom and everything, but she is missing out on so much not being able to go to UT or Saint Mary's like she wanted to. I'm glad she is determined to still take classes at ACC though. She is making the best out of her situation and I'm so proud of her. And Ella, her baby. What a beautiful baby! I love her so much. I can't wait until she can play and talk. I want to play with her and just be able to have fun with her. I want to spoil her even though she isn't my baby. I'm getting so tired just sitting down. I want to do something, maybe, vacuum the room. It's getting kind of dirty. I want to eat! I miss my animals. I want them to live with me here in the dorm. I love petting them and giving them attention. I'm glad I went home yesterday. Even though I go home at least once a week, I miss being there. I miss my brother, parents, and the animals. Andy is so funny. He has no one to play with or antagonize. He tries to wrestle with mom and she can tell that he misses us. This is the best song on this cd. It is so pretty.

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Today is the first football game, I'm pretty excited. Idon't really know the drill so hopefully my friend willcall. I wonder if there is a parade, that'd be cool I could go listen to the band, I miss band band was fun if I don't make the dance team I'm definately going to try out for band, although my lips are so fat I can't believe joe said that about my lips sometimes I really wonder about that kid, he sure does tell a lot of stories, I mean seriously he couldn't have gotten kicked out of new orleans theyll take anyone over there, youd have to do a whole hell of a lot to get kicked out of there I wonder how megans doing in alabama she found a new male friend I wonder about her and jason if they are going to stay together they are one of those couples that are going to stay together forever save a nuclear winter. I wish I could be like that but at the same time I'm having fun I guess, I really miss griff, he always made me smile even if it was something stupid, I need to go visit him at atm I wonder how much different it is over there if it really is a bunch of cowboys like I picture it I wonder if erin likes it since she's not into the whole spirit cowboy thing, I think she would do so much better here with me! plus I mjust miss erin. she was so cool I loved our no pants parties, they were fun bonding time. man 20 min is longer than I thought suck town usa, I think this assignment is kind of cool to track your htoughts for 20 min, it just proves further how random I am, I'm hungry, I think I'm going to have a pb&j when I'm done, that's the stuff with strawberry jelly. strawberries whiten your teeth that is so cool I need to start using my crest white strips again, I need to take a shower, man I forgot how far away kirby lane isthat power walk made me all nappy. that's ok I'm sure ill get even nappier at the f-ball game amin is so hot, man did I luck out on getting a counselor, nate was so cool too! I'd totally date nate. that's the kind of guy I'm looking for, random funnyness facial expressions everything someone that canjust make me laugh up a storm. OTherwhise ill get bored. I kind of want someone like griff though too. Although if I dated griff I'd be really scared. Idon't know why, idon't htink he'd ever cheat on anyone but he never wants a girlfriend. manhes good. really strong. he can bench press me that's amazing I need to work out I don't want that nasty freshman 15. I don't think ill get it I walk around campus like hardcore. its a big campus I like it though I like getting lsot in it all its definately puts me in my place. which is nice. no more trying to be something imnot. I hope I can find an organization to be in. the wrangler darlins would be pretty awesome and pals would be pretty cool. I wouldlove to get a really hot italian boy. man that would be cool. like hardcore awesome. like paolo or davide or vincente that would be awesome this takes a long time I'm having trouble trying to fill up the time I wonder when my roommate is going to wake up its like 1:00 in the afternoon. Iwanna take a nap I think I will. naps are the greatest. I didn't used to like them but man are they awesome. especially after reading philosophy, stupid philosophy its so boring but the lectures are cool. I don't know I usually don't like to discuss abortion and stuff like that because your not going to change anyones mind so what's the point in fighting because that's all your doing is fighting I don't like to fight I think its stupid because your hurting other people and not gaining anything from it so its useless hurt thatno one needs ihate pain I hate to make other people sad I hate to be sad. good thing I like it here or I might be misreable almost done 17 min and 30 seconds. sweet this has taken forever I should be reading something or studying or something like that I want to do well in colllege grade wise ireally want to make a 3. 8 at least my mom made a 4. 0 in really hard classes last semester now granted that's my mom and she isn't doing as much socially as I am so she has more time to study, well actually she workds all the time. I never really realized how hard she must have worked. its college that makes you realize stuff like that

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I do not want to draw that apple again. It's so redundant that it completely diminishes the idea of art. I mean, I understand that Professor Gant wanted us to experience the "discipline" aspect of art, but it's really hard to express yourself with a piece of fruit. It's not even like one of those beautiful pieces of fruit you see in most paintings. It's from the Jester Cafeteria, so of course it looks like it's been through hell. I can't believe I paid seventy cents for it. That's relatively cheap, but it's a bruised, disgusting piece of fruit. The food there is expensive compared to the quality of it. Day before yesterday, I paid almost three dollars for a bowl of wilted salad and a glass of tea. Maybe I'm just being cheap, well, actually it's my parents money, so it really doesn't affect me, but still. I need to call my parents. You'd think emailing them everyday and calling them every other day or like every three or four days would be enough. But no, they insist that we talk every day so that my mom can whine about how she really wants me to come back home and go to Lamar. I know she's not being serious, they really want me here, but the whining gets really old, really fast. I'm so glad I got away from that area, it's such a hellhole. Everyone knows everyone else's business. I guess that's typical of a small town, but I hate it. Here no one cares who you are. I guess there are good and bad sides of that, but mostly good. My roommate is so loud. She's really nice and all, but she's a little annoying. She's also extremely hypocritical. She claims to be so openminded and liberal, but then I've heard her put down people who are religious, which is really closeminded. I was offended by it, too, I mean she knows that I'm a Christian and she knows that I go to church, which, by most standards is considered "religious". Oh well, I haven't been "preachy" about my views, so I guess I'll just attribute her closemindedness to ignorance. I really want to go to the Counting Crows concert, I'll have to get the tickets soon though. Adam Duritz voice is so powerful. Anyone who can evoke so much emotion from listeners using a song, has to be a musical genius. I mean how is it possible that I didn't cry when my parents left me here in a city of a million people, five hundred miles away from home. Yet, I cry when I hear him sing about a lost love. I don't even think it's the words that get me. Well, that could be part of it, but I guess it's the combination of the music and the lyrics and Adam crooning them out. I mean, I could be in a perfectly good mood, and I listen to a song, and halfway through it tears are streaming down my face. And I do this to myself repeatedly. It's almost like a sickness, maybe I have OCD or something. I hardly ever become emotional at movies or other times when the typically "sensitive" girl would cry. Maybe subconsciously I know that I need to cry at certain times, and that's what makes me listen to the music.

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I've done this type of assignment before. Sophomore year of high school for mrs. hollingsworth. All I talked about was diet coke, because she had one on her desk. Today I went to class and I though I would be late to spanish because I was coming straight from sociology class. I didn't even lock my bike up right, someone could've pulled the wheel off and taken my frame. I woulda been walking back to my dorm with a wheel, a u-lock, and a frown on my face. It was hard to focus when all I'm thinking about during a class is how stupid I was to lock my bike up wrong. It didn't get stolen so that was good I just rode it back and I was fine. I hate riding along busy streets I never know if I should be on the sidewalk or on the street, the crosswalk or the lanes. It's so crazy, usually I just go back and forth and try not to get run over. this morning I got up and ate yogurt too quickly I felt kinda crazy in the stomach for my first classes. It went away once I was able to drink some water and let time pass. For a while I was wondering whether there was a reason why that yogurt was the cheapest. I always try to find the cheapest stuff at the grocery store. Yesterday was the first day that I used a push basket at the supermarket. I usually just walk around holding all the goods in my hands but there was too much. It was kind of a weird feeling because it was like I was growing up or something. I have to start clipping coupons and writing checks and things like that, yesterday when I was pushing the cart, that was the icing on the cake. Next thing I know I'll be getting married and crap like that. I guess all that stuff isn't so bad, but it seems like I got a grasp for the real world so quickly, but I'm not even in it yet, whatever it even is. I always think about the book Babbit, by Sinclair Lewis. He is painted in the book as some horrible guy who sells out his own beliefs and everything else so he can gain prestige and what not in his community. It's really hard for me becuase he is very human. There are aspects of George Babbit in all of us, and drives me crazy. I have a constant struggle within myself to decide whether or not you should hold strong to minor beliefs and principles and be held back in the system, or if you should try and play the system and get what you can out of it. If you play the system though it's kind of like selling out, you just become an opportunist. But it seems like you have to compromise your beliefs to certain degree. It seems like every decision I make, I don't know if I should do things to appease people and get ahead, or to hold fast to things. I'm not talking about the biggies though, just the small things. I would be afraid though that the more I ignore the small things, I might gradually start into the big things. I don't want to become like Kurtz, he had no restraint and he just got more and more into a state of immorality and all this other stuff. I'd like to think that I had restraint, but I have no clue if I do or not. I can demonstrate restraint in small cases, but Kurtz could too when he was in the confines of society. I don't know if I would revert like he did, I hope not, but no one can say unless they cross the same bridges that he did. Heart of Darkness is definitely my favorite book, it is really thought provoking and there are so many levels that you can interpret at. I read it for school last year and loved it, I read it about five3 times after that too because it's so good. I really like Joseph COnrad, but I usually odn't talk to too many people about him unless I'm drinking and my tongue gets loosened. Most people talk about sex and things like that when they drink. I always talk about Heart of Darkness, William Shakespeare, and Lord Byron. I don't really drink that much, but it's happened before and those were my favorite discussion topics. Once I tried to tell this guy about Freud and the ID, EGO, and Superego. All the sober people told me that I was 100% right in all my statements, but the drunk people just didn't understand. I don't know what to write right now, I have a lot going on right now. Most of my classes seem like they're going to be pretty easy, but I never know.

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Right now I am very hacked off because it has taken me 30 minutes to find this home page using this very complicated computer. I'm not used to using Macs and it is very annoying. I also don't know why this screen doesn't scroll down. That is very annoying also along with this keyboard I’m using. Well I'm tired of complaining so I will start thinking about something else. I have to leave for my home town in 30 minutes because I have a court date tomorrow. My stepdad will be here and I'm sure he's going to complain about traffic. I hope he takes me to eat somewhere because I'm tired of dorm food. I can't think of anything to write so I'll write that. This assignment is very weird and I don't know how anything can come of it. What should I say? I don't consciously know what I am thinking so I don't know what to type. I'm just sitting here trying to think of something profound to say. That is stupid considering that I don't have to say anything important but I guess that is what I'm used to doing when I write an assignment. Right now I'm staring at a picture of a whale's tale as it dives into the ocean. It really looks kind of stupid and I can't think of anything else to say about it. You psychology people are strange and I wonder what the heck you’re going to do with all these papers that are basically garbage. Are you going to do some experiment or what? This is not what I am good at. Just writing what I think because I usually think about 3 or more subjects at a time and I can't type fast enough to get everything I'm thinking onto the page. Oh Well. Oops I made a grammatical mistake. this is very boring and I'm tired of typing. thank God I only have two more minutes of this. Hey now it's only one minute. Well, It's been nice sharing what 's in my brain with you and I hope you have fun studying what I've written for hours upon hours. I hope it helps in whatever you hope to accomplish. See Ya.

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As I sit in front of my computer, trying to put my thoughts into words all I can think about is how tired I am. I am unable to concentrate on any given task that is related to school. All I see in the corner of my eye, is my roommate trying on my favorite black dress. I can't help but laugh, because she just got the sudden urge to try on my clothes. I feel distracted in many ways, because while I am trying to write this psychology paper my friends keep coming in and out of my room. This makes me feel that I am missing out, and I want to join in on the fun. I am also feeling very excited, because tomorrow is finally Friday and I get to see my best friend from high school. She goes to A&M, and it will be interesting to see how life is in Aggieland. This week was stressful and I am ready for a break. I find this assignment quite hard for many reasons. I am not comfortable with expressing my feelings or thoughts to a stranger. I also find this paper difficult because I have so many random thoughts running through my head and I don't want to sound ignorant. For instance, right now I am wondering why our neighbors constantly blare their music. It is very annoying, and is hard to concentrate. Right now the phone is ringing, and I am yet again distracted. I wonder who is on the other end and I am disappointed to find out that the call is not for me. It is hard being a freshman at a huge university such as UT but it makes it a hundred times better because I am rooming with one of my best friends from high school. Right now I am thinking about how much laundry we have left to do. Not fun! I have been writing my thoughts now for about 20 minutes, and I feel as though I wrote probably the most boring paper ever but those were my thoughts that crossed my mind!

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crit. term; it is weird how we hold on to memories; or even more depressing is the idea that I often want something so bad only to realize, why'd I make such a big deal in the first place? regardless, I caught a lot of criticism from people in my town on attending UT; I come from the "bible belt" and well UT@Austin is not the ideal "institution" in that I was often told "they are really liberal up there" or "watch out for those weirdos"; ironically the bible belt has one of the highest alcoholic rates around, goes to show how prevalent hypocrisy is no? that goes to say; oh I am reminded of Plato/Aristotle's "allegory of the cave"; I say UT as a place to "get out of my cave" and as Thomas Wolfe says, "you can never go home again" semmingly depressing at first, this statement became quite refreshing to me;; I mean aren't I here to "find myself"; it is weird I made such a big deal about being one of the like 2% that will not change their major (business) but now I really want to major in English and Theatre and teach; however it is quite a "campus issue" in that my parents want me to do business; in a way expectations can be bad, I mean think about it, when people expect too much from an individual they feel obligated to live up to those expectations in which failure is not an option *sigh*; and is never being satisfied a bad thing? if someone "settles" for something are they compromising themselves? or just being content? or can it actually become an obsession in which you never get anything accomplished? be that as it may I think one should never put themselves in compromising situations; like my two really good friends, who are girls, I often hear stories about how nice a guy was to them. I get soo aggravated because I know the guy is just "giving them a line"; sadly, I relish in the idea of "I told you so" and I often make or ask my friends to humor me and say "cornell is right, cornell is always right"; these two friends are high school friends and that is definitely a dominant fear in my life as of yet; they say you never really keep in touch with you hs friends but rather that you make all your friends in college; oh well "que sera sera" or something; oh Doris Day, music is slowly losing its place or relevance in society; I was raised on 60's and 70's music; I love to find people my age who know songs from that age. I'm soo AFTER my time. :); I think that life exp. shape a person; I mean the first five years of my life are a blurr (misspelled that word in a 5th grade spelling bee *sigh*, but I beat our hs valedictorian that year. hehehe) anyway due to like divorce and other problems I don't feel like disclosing; I fell I matured more quickly than others my age who come from "functional families" or whatever; my favortie saying is "well if I'm too big for my britches, it's time for a new pair of pants" (I made that up. good no?); and furthermore I think that people are brought together by life exp. For example, my "lunch table" consisted of people/friends that were all from broken homes. but I can honestly say it is pretty neat now because as a result of divorce I have two great sets of parents; and with my parents the respect is still there, yet is like we are all like friends; I can tell my parents anything. well not anything; but it's like we have "grown up" conversations and stuff; and those who are sheltered are really going to have a hard time in life. because out of resent and curiosity they are or may go crazy after hs. hmmmmm that's just my opinion I could be wrong. but that very seldom happens :)

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I'm watching my breath. Listening to it enter and exit my body. It is quiet. There is a bit of tension in my sinuses and my jaw is slightly tightened as well. my mind is quiet. Now I am back in pennebaker's class on Wednesday. I'm sitting in this incredibly crowded room with over five hundred students in it. Someone is sitting on the floor. Pennebaker has a microphone! The feelings of being back at school again. It is nice for this to be semester number two at UT. It's easier to get around. But still a shock to be back on campus with fifty thousand other humans after spending a month hiking in the mountains on the other side of the world. All of the traffic: cars, bikes, pedestrians, are such a foreign scene after the solitude of the mountains. Although this scene is not so different from the crowded streets of Delhi, India. My memories of the mountains in nepal continue to surface. Different parts of the trip. I remember so much so vividly. The day that ramesh and I left kag beni for jomsom and walked along the river. It was wide and roaring. The wind blew hard. At times the river bed was so wide that we could walk along the dry part of it. I hummed "Dust in the Wind" by Kansas feeling the immensity of this land and the tiny insignificance of my small person as I walked through it. A little bit frightening, a little bit mystifying, a little bit liberating. Now we're in Jomsom, waiting for a plane that will come and leave again without taking us back to Pokhara. We are sitting with a bunch of old Nepali men who are chatting about the dangers of the planeor so I figured, they spoke only in Nepali. I feel an odd bond with these old men that I cannot understand. They are part of me. There's a monk waiting for the plane as well and when it comes, takes some passengers and leaves us behind, he, along with ramesh and I decide to walk back to Pokhara. The stress of traveling in a foreign country that has a different perception of time is difficult to adjust to. Ramesh and I are driving on his motorbike toward Kathmandu from Pokhara. Monsoon rains have caused landslides along the road and we cannot pass. There are many people waiting to pass, including many distraught westerners. The urge to become stressed out is very strong, but I have to smile. What am I worried about? Things will work out. Now I am home, back to the fast paced society where I have spent most of my life. In the airport in Detroit, the first thing I notice is how fastpaced everything is. People all seem to be in a hurry. I practice Buddhist meditation and this helps me to focus my mind and not run off with all of the stresses and worries that are present each day. But what makes us live in this way? We move so fast that often we are not able to enjoy the life that is right in front of us. I return to the mountains. Now I am on Poon Hill. The first morning that I have seen the Annapurnas. It's really early and the sun is rising over the mountains. We're sitting on a picnic table that looks out on an immense valley that meets the grand peaks. I can sit here all day. I feel so open and expansive. Now we're in Tatopani. Ramesh, Dhundup and I are staying at a lodge right next to the hot springs which we enjoyed earlier. Now it's dinnertime and we're sitting on the patio, drinking hot tea and cold Fanta. Ramesh and I are playing chess. I don't know how to play, but am excited about surrendering my fear and trying something new. As I walked up to the table, Ramesh's smile lit up his entire face and my entire insides. As we play chess, we continue to exchange looks that are full of energy. Three weeks later, when I finally depart Pokhara, I blow him a kiss as I get on the plane. So many incredible new experiences that have molded and shaped my life in amazing new ways. When thinking about this trip, I feel open and expansive in a new way. I feel incredibly happy. I deserve to feel happy after the struggles of the spring of this year. Oh, and my time was up. Until next time!

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16

I feel weird I know I’m about to pull an all nighter and I have this eternal sense of flux but I’m not in anguish at all I’m actually euphoric some how like I said I’m feeling weird that's why I’m doing thins now I don't know really what I’m supposed to say but I guess it doesn’t matter well I’m kind of at a stand still I hope you can read all of my word I’m a totally phonetic speller you see I’m dyslexic how ever you spell it well I’ll just start talking then things are always weird well nothing is normal it's not suppose to be that would be incredible boring and stagnate but it's just we never know were we are and never know exactly what we want and even if were some were we never know is this really were I want to be is this what I want to do I guess it don’t matter much were always were we are and were always how we are entail we change which is normally but different than how I usually am because its different but I’m not indecisive I think I just question it all and I’m yet to come up with the answer tired but awake I actually like this and I cant what to participate in the experiments ( I’m lazy and all I do is procrastinate that’s why this allnighter thing is happening) tired but wanting to do my work I actually get cote up in it when I actually do it I like working but I procrastinate there's all ways people to talk to and women to hit on and don't get me wrong I just need people my friend and especially the female ones I just need close people that all is there to be with and together nothing more the one but any way I get mad at my self for not doing what I need to in school because I actually like it all I love learning but I just cant put my ass in the chair and sit once I do I get it done and have fun doing it I still feel weird just lackadaisical and it's one of the few times I feel like reading and studying even though I do like it when I do it I feel like I’m giving you the wrong info. just not what your looking for well sorry but it happens I think I want to do work because my body wants me to sleep and I’m just procrastinating from that like usual its also why I’m taking so long to do this its not reading its just like me sitting out side talking but I guess its enough and I hope it works for what you want so I’ll put me always phrase in here and say good bye have fun

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16

I really miss all of my people back home. I really miss kim I wish she would take me back. I miss having her around to hold me and make me feel happy. I really really miss being happy. I can't seem to do it on a regular basis without her. why did she break up with me. I still realy don't understand. I was very good to her. lacey said I was her favorite out of all of kims boyfriends. seems like that says something. but I guess not. were still broken up and I don't see that changing any time soon. excpet I wonder what that big long letter was going to be about. I find that very interesting. could she have written about how much she misses me and wants me back. who knows, hell, I may never know and thats the problem. I really want to know. I want her to be honest with me about everything that goes through her mind about me. I would love if she would just write down every thought she ever has about me and just tell me. that would make things so much easier for me. it may hurt sometimes, but at least I would know. that would make me feel a lot better. I really hope she writes me back to tell me what that letter said. it bothers me that I can't know. I wish she wouldnt have even told me that she had written that damn thing. now its going to be on my mind all the time. at least until she tells me what it said or at least what it was about. thats all I want to know. I want to know if it said she wanted to get me back, or if she never wanted to talk to me again. I think she still wants to talk to me cause I know she cares about me. lacey told me that, and I know that. but I just want to know what it said. and I want to know what kathryn was talking about when she said that brad and john said they were talking about how I stalked kim. when could I have done that?? I was out of town, so its pretty impossible that I could have stalked someone 800 miles away. I wonder if kim thinks that I stalk her. I don't know how she could think that. its really silly to think that someone would think that. but kathryn said that brad may have told her that just to make her happy. why would it make kathryn happy that I stalk kim, even though I don't. I guess cause now kathryn knows that someone hurt me as bad as I hurt them. oh well, forget that idea. kathryn and I are friends now so it shouldnt matter that I got hurt by kim. it should make kathryn sad when I am sad. I know it does cause she told me when she called me to see how I'm doing. so I know that brad was lying now. kim never thought I was stalking her. if she did why would she still talk to me. I just wish that when she talks to me she would say that she wants me back. just like in that damn song. "when I go fishing for the words I am wishing you would say to me I'm really only praying that the words youll soon be saying might betray the way you feel about me" yeah thats how it is for me. since I think she doesn't want me back yet. it would be such a good thing if she did. even though I would see her about once a month and we are 150 miles apart. oh well. cest la vie. I could deal with that just to know that she is committed to me. thats all I really want from her. I just want to know that she is committed to me. this sucks royal ass that shes probably out running around with hundereds of guys, and I'm here being miserable. if I ever found out that she was I would just go crazy. I wouldnt be able to deal with that at all. that would push me over the edge, like I'm not close enough already. even now that I'm here all I do is think about her. I've thought about her too much. I should be trying to find someone here that I can be like that with bt I really can't. I wouldnt mind meeting that vollyball player that alex was telling me about. she sounds really cool. if it was her that I saw today with that coach then shes really hot. and shes a christian too, so that would help me if she was. plus she lives a lot closer than kim or wendy or julie or erica. that would make things so much easier on me. I would really like to fall for this girl. then I could get my mind off of kim. if she doesn't come back to me, then I need to get my mind off her. but its too hard. I loved her too much. I still do. thats what sucks so much. but what can I do. not a thing in the world. I can love her all I want but if she doesn't love me then its all worthless. that bothers me to death. this is my first day of class and all I can think about is her. I liked my classes today. I have homework in every one of them. I should be thinking about that, but I'm still thinking about her. thank god my time is almost up on this thing. my wrists are getting tired. and my fingers too. this is really ridiculous. but I do see the point in it though. times up. bye

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12

I guess the way I feel right now is overwhelmed. I just came back from a class of 540 students, which is double the number of kids in my whole graduating class. Although there are many students here who are so excited to be away from home and all on their own I wouldn't mind going back home and staying their for a while. I am very pleased with my life at home and this sudden change has left me to start all over. Although I know this is a part of life I feel as thought I am losing some of my childhood friends yet no one is replacing them. At first I told myself that is just how I feel and if those childhood friends felt the same then I might be right but this whole summer all of my high school friends were ready to leave for college. Now that we are all separated we understand how much we depended on each other. I have been here three days and everyday for at least an hour I have talked to my friend back home. I guess what scares me the most is that when you meet someone here you have no idea where they came from, where they have been, or what type of person they are. Back at home we all knew each others families, knew what type of person they where etc. I can truly same that moving to Austin has definitely made me reevaluate myself. Not to be cocky but back at home everyone knew who I was and what type of person I was, but here everyone thinks I am a nobody. I feel as thought I have to impress someone for him or her to approach me where at home others approached me. I guess the comfort of home was my stability and now that I am here I have to build a new foundation to start from. I am very great full that there is one other person from my school here because we are together all the time and it makes this transition just a bit easier. Now that we have started classes I am trying to busy myself with my work, which is, a good thing and then it seem as thought time goes by a lot faster. I think I just have to mental got myself ready for this semester and then I will be fine. I do like challenges and that is why I came to this university but the challenges I expected are not the ones I am having trouble adjusting too. It is completely different aspects of college life that has thrown me off.

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13

I feel like I am under a lot of stress right now at this time. All that I have been doing is wondering if I am going to make it through college alright. I am very hungry at this time. I do not know if I will get something to eat right after I am done with this assignment or if I will wait until I have done some other homework from another one of my classes. I know that I will have to get something very soon because I can smell the food that my friend is eating over there in the corner. I smells sooooo good that my stomach feels like it will never stop making the noises that it is making until I give some food to it. I feel sort of tired at this point in the day. I have just recently finished all of my classes which begin early in the morning and do not finish until late in the afternoon. That is sort of a good thing because I get a big break in the middle of the day, but I would rather get my school day over with early so that I could do homework at any time that I want to instead of being forced to do it right after class. The reason that I have a schedule that is this way is because I went to one of the last sessions of orientation and I did not get the times for the classes that I wanted. Right now my eyes are sort of getting tired because I am not used to typing for this many minutes straight without a single break. Usually when I type I will take a lot of breaks and I will waste a lot of time that I should not be wasting. Therefore, I guess that this is a beneficial assignment because it is teaching me something that I am not used to doing. There are many assingments that I am not used to doing that I have had to do for all of my classes. I get a lot of math homework, which is something that is completely different from high school. Back in high school I really did not have that difficult of a time with the work that I was given. I feel now that I will have to work very hard to attain grades similar to my high school ones. The reason that I figure this is because I have talked to many people that used to go to the University of Texas. Some say it is not that hard, but the majority of the people that I talk to say that I will have to work my tail off if I want to be at the top. They have said that everyone is just as smart as me at this school. I feel that this fact is a good thing. I like to be challeged against others who are at the same level as me or above. I feel that if I work hard that I can do anything that my mind imagines. I think that all people should have that kind of confidence because everyone in this world is worth something. Maaaannnn, I am really really really hungry because that food smells really good. I think that I am going to go and get something to eat after I finsh this assignment. I may have a burger or a few tacos or something. Whatever I get to eat, I know that it will be delicious because my stomach is turning and wishing for something to be put in it right now. I forgot to tell myself that my left foot hurts a whole lot. Yesterday I dropped a big can on the top of my foot and it swelled up a little bit and it still kind of hurts when I walk for a long time on it. I know that if I just gave it a little time to rest that it would probably be fine, but I have an active life and I really cannot do that.

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23

I have just arrived from home. I went home this weekend for labor day and spent time with my family, friends,and everybosy else. The time I spent thier was very rapid, it went by so fast. Sometimes I miss home sometimes I think if what is going on over there I mean it is not a really big town, but it is a part of me. Now that I am here I like it at first I was knid of lonely, but now I am feeling better. I really need to get on reading for tommorrow. Am I going to do good this semester? What is going to happen? I have the potential to do good and I know I aam and can. Oh well, I really miss mando, he is a really great guy that really confuses me and at this point in my life I do not need that. He is over there I am here I mean that is crazy, I have to stop myself. Our relationship is getting to out of hand, to serious. That is not always bad, but right now tha is all I think about him, us. Should I stop talking to him, let go eventhough it hurts, I mean what do I do? I mean I am sitting here talking to a computer and letting out all my feelings and I don't even know who is going o read this, this is so crazy. What if I stop talking to him and it hurts, what if it breaks ny heart that is crazy. WHAT IF!!!!!! Anything can happen oh well I have to stop thinling about it and just see wat happens in the next days, weeks , months. I have so much reading to do for tommorrow, the next day and so on. What is wrong with me I am so crazy, I think about crazy things. Life out of high school is so f\different, it is so weird. Right now I am typing in my friends computer since my computer doesn't work , taht is really pissing me off. I wan t my computer I hate using other peoples things, I really want my computer fixed. I am going to look into that tommorrow. There are so many different types of people in this school, differnt places, intersts and so on. It is a whole different world here, but I really like it I started wanting to go to SEU and now I am here it is a big difference. I like it though, different is good, I like that. I really miss mando, he has had a huge impact in my life, my mom does not like him ofcourse, but I do. I really don't know how he feels about me he really confuses me. He is always on my mind I have to stop because it is interfering with everything. I look forward to going ome because I want to see I'm and my family. Gosh, this is the worst feeling I have so many things on my mind that I just cannot talk about them it relly pisses me off. Life is so complicated, but we have to take it as it comes and just ry to avoid the bad things.

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25

I just had lunch, they actually had good cookies at the dobie cafeteria today. i'm really happy i found out that masha lives in dobie too, she kind of bothered me in high school, but i think i might like her now better than almost anyone i met. she's very sincere. i've been more happy than ever since i've been at ut only because i'm on my own. i feel no sense of homesickness at all, like most people are talking about, i'm the way i like myself without my mother who drives me crazy. i don't understand sometimes how in the world we're related. someone just came in. i love that feeling when you feel like your stuffed animals have personalities, the two dogs on my bed could easily be taken for real ones, well kind of, if one of them wasn't blue, maybe. but not really. alex and arif came by last night, two of my good friends from high school, it made me really happy; i was literally bouncing off the walls because i thought it was nice that they just came by unannounced; i don't know why it surprises me because i know they care about me, but when people i care about do something nice; it kind of surprises me. i could never keep a diary, i absolutely love writing more than anything in the world. i want to become a writer, but i always start with something and never finish or am honestly too lazy and that pisses me off a whole lot. i love it and i want to do it, but i don't know why i won't just do it. but diaries drove me crazy; i found myself being fake in them, i think it's easier to show your true self through other words rather than blatently posting, i'm writing this about myself to understand myself it doesn't work like that for me. you can see the real me through other writing i think . i downloaded this song called forever by ben harper. it is so good; it has the sweetest melody. it's very wierd; i sometimes write poems and just little phrases and i've noticed i use the color blue a lot. like the ocean is blue and once a poem about my parent's divorce and i used something about a blue world or something; i don't know where it comes from. my mother really drives me insane. her friends were in this past saturday and they came back amazed at my independence, how i looked, acted, just my persona and everything and they weren't like that before about me. and i know that i do seem a little different; like a relief has been lifted off of me ; it's great. i like the person that i am. i spent too much time babying my mother, making sure i didn't say something to offend her or be upset because she was being ridiculous. and she told me how they though all of this and said it in such a way as to take credit for my development and for me being the way i am, sounding great and all. and i just wanted to scream that it is the opposite; it's only because she's not around. she can't seem to figure anything out for herself like that; she thinks she understands so much, but she doesn't at all and i think deep inside she knows she doesn't get it, but it just makes her feel better about herself to think that she understands it all, whatever it may be, just that she's in control, otherwise she wouldn't not let me stay out after ten some nights when all i did was go to a mmovie with my friends; she just does it to be in control and i wish she would see that she's only pushing me away and she already has; i don't think we will ever have a great relationship, not if she tries to understand me and herself. i just wish she could at least understand herself first. i don't want to be like her when i get older and that's partly why i don't want to agree with her on anything because by doing what she thinks she became the person she is and i don't want to be that person. that's sad and i don't like it, but it's just the way i think it is. i really want to go dancing. a song is playing that's called just dance and i want to do just that.

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24

Wow. I have a lot of books. Ok, it's about 10:04. I tried to start this thing a while ago, around 8, but my girlfriend is over, and I'm helping her learn German. I've had a lot of German classes. Anyway, I'm going to marry her. Sometimes I'm afraid of the commitment, and the choice, but every time I'm with her, she makes me feel confident. When we go play tennis, study (as we are doing right now), or just about anything really. Hmm. Hsinju got the job at the NOC. I don't know if Bobby is just putting on a kind facade or what. SO many guys are like that. Maybe females, but I never really know. But guys are. They are great and pleasant until they're in the company of other men. Wasn't that a movie? In the Company of Men. Yes. Had a yellow and red cover to it, I think. Speaking of which, I need to watch those videos from Vulcan. What a great place. Cheap too. No quite as cheap as my dad's though. I wonder what RPM is going to be like when the evil giant faceless megacorporation finally gets its butt in gear. It seems like I've spent my entire life fighting against corporate america. Fuck Blockbuster, fuck Starbucks. But now that they have bought out RPM Records. well, I'm glad my dad can retire in ease with all that dough. But I feel like I've betrayed myself. How can I be so gleeful about it? Sure, RPM fought the system, and won. we never went out of business. Several times, the megacorporations had to buy us out, not boot us out. But it's kind of like becoming a traitor for some quick cash. Like Judas. That was one hell of a Judas Kiss. $250,000. Wow. Anyway, I really hope my semester pans out well. I'm really liking the idea of the English Teacher class I'm taking. THe teacher seems friendly. Reminds me a lot of Mrs. Hagar. And what luck, a german in there too! Woher aus Deutschland kommst du, mein neue Freund? I think it will be exciting to get to practice my german. THat reminds me, I need to go drop that GER 218 class I'm taking. I don't think I'll really like it. And I can get enough practice helping Stacey anyway. I wonder what I should add. So much is riding on these up coming semesters. Did I mention I love my baby? I'm going to propose to her sometime in October. On a hot air balloon, with a large banner on the ground that says, "Will You Marry Me?" I think it will be great. So romantic. Except for the balloon operator. Stacey has low self esteem though, at least when it comes to academia. She's so smart, but she just needs to practice. At whatever. SHe's goofy too. So much fun. I'm actually getting a bit tired. I've been writing for about ten minutes now. I think I want another drink. That crangrape juice was good. Hmm. Sleep would be good. Tennis would too. I think I'm too tired for tennis tonight. I may fall asleep during the movie. Studying and writing is tiring. I don't miss home. Garland, that is. Austin is great. So much better than that rotten place. Everyone there, my age at least, had one single goal: undermine everyone else. Ugh. It's been 20 minutes. Bye.

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17

I just got done watching "First Time Felon" staring Omar Epps. I was very moving. I'm cooking stew right now on the stove. I learned how to cook it from my father. He taught me how this summer. Earlier today, I did this writing assignment and after completing it, I pressed clear instead of submit. That sure got me upset. Anyway, I went to class today and the lecture was funny. The phone is ringing right now. The phone is still ringing. There, someone finally picked up the phone. I have a lot of homework do to which are due this week and next week. And in two weeks I'll start having my first set of tests. They all fall on me at once. When I think about it, I don't want to study. But thinking back on last year, studying late nights wasn't really too bad. I kind of enjoy it. It was cool to walk across campus at three in the morning and see the stars out. I remember seeing the comet when it passed by last year. That was a really nice view. I wonder how the stew is doing. Hopefully it will taste as good as my father's. I see the letter that my friend sent me form the county jail. I really miss him. He was like a brother to me. We always looked out for each other. I'm really good friends with his brother too. He is a good church-going person. Faithfully believes in God. Well, I haven't talked to either of them for some time now. Maybe I'll give him a call tomorrow if I have time. My girlfriend paged me, but didn't leave a number down. It was just a message. I really miss her. She is back in Houston. Her birthday is coming up on the 26th and she wants to come up to visit for the weekend. The problem is that I have a test on that day, and some other tests that following week. I wish I could take the tests some other time. Oh, well. That's life for you. My brother landed an internship with IBM, but hasn't started work yet. I wonder when he will start. His future looks bright for him. I can hear the T. V. downstairs. Some cartoon show is playing right now. My roommates are downstairs watching it. I can see my keys from where I'm sitting. They are attached to the Pekkle key chain my girlfriend gave me. Actually I have two key chains. The other one is of Jesus. A total stranger gave it to me one day and I've never seen him since. I like to think that it was Jesus himself, giving me strength when I needed it the most last year. I was feeling down and out last year. I was sitting by myself in a coffee shop and in comes this man. He walks up to me and gives me the key chain. He tells me that Jesus will never turn his back on me. So every time I look at the key chain, I think of Him and it gives me strength. School is finally underway now. I hope that I do good this year. Anyway, the 20 mins are up. Hopefully I'm doing this right. I know that this isn't even for a grade, but I just worry a lot. Speaking about worrying, I'm worried that my phone bill isn't too high because I've been calling back to Houston everyday.

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25

Well, I have to confess, this is an extremely difficult thing for me to do. I am an extremely objective person and it's hard for me focus on something when there is no clear goal in sight, but maybe this will get easier as I go. I hear TV in the next room. My mom is in the kitchen and watching the Republican National Convention. I really should be watching it you because you see I'm a government major (at least that's the plan right now). However, and ironically, the very thing that is going to earn me my government major is also what is keeping me from watching the convention. There now talking about Kerry not being a good leader but the AC which is located next to my room has just come on and now I can't hear. Wow, this is getting a little weird having to make myself consciously voice in writing what I'm thinking. It's amazing you can be so unaware of the thoughts that your own brain is thinking. Ah, pancakes are ready. I would like to go eat them now but I'm stuck here for another 9 minutes and 43 seconds. OOppss, she used baking soda instead of baking powder. No pancakes I guess. I went to the Phantom of the Opera last semester. It was a Broadway production and vg. I have a pamphlet from the evening sitting on my desk, which is why I bring it up. I was depressing though, for all the talent and wonderful set changes. Do you like the sound of the AC. I do. I don't know why but it comforts me. I think the reason it does is because when I was younger the AC would come and there was a vent right over my bed so to keep warm I would have to snuggle deeper into my covers and I like to snuggle. That was a run on sentence but that's how I think, in run ons, so I'm just trying to be accurate. I had to look up how to spell sentence. Yes, I know that's horrible, but you see I'm a very phonetically spell, always have been, and so it's very hard for me to distinguish between the phonetically pronunciations of vowels. Like in the word sentence, I'm always unsure if it's sentence or sentence. Another example is that I used to spell "they" "they" because the e sounded like a long a to me. I better fix that if I'm going into government.

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30

Ok, twenty minutes has started. Well, I feel like I'm trying to keep up with everything, hoping I don't forget some meeting or instruction session I was supposed to go to. I'm thinking I really like UT so far and I feel I'm where I need to be. I miss my puppy, he's the cutest Dalmatian in the worldI named him Tex. He's my little childI taught him how to give me five! I wish I could go see some of my brother and sister's games, I'm sure they are kicking some butt. I've been thinking about the long distance relationship I'm in, and wondering if maybe I would like to date other people. I mean, he's already been to college, and had his fun, so I think I would like to just date people, but how do you say that to someone? Oh well, he's in Hawaii for two weeks, so whatever happens while he's outside of the continental U. S. doesn't count, right? Just kidding. I'm glad that I came to Austin, I get to see my grandmother a lot, and we've always been close, so that's good. I'm surprised that my roommate and I are getting along so well. We've known each other for a long time, and I had anticipated some problems, but so far we are just peachy. I have a feeling or two to share I hate Linguistics! I was worried about taking my Spanish class because it's upper division, and it has been awhile since I was as sharp with it as when I took the AP test, but I'm loving it. Glad I've been working out lately I love that feeling. This is the first year I will not be playing competitive volleyball, and I am definitely suffering from withdrawals. Kind of makes me wish I had gone somewhere small to play. When I look at it though, I think I made the right decision. Even though my parents thought my room was disgustingly little, I am really liking dorm life. This is cool. I want an apartment next year so I can bring lil Tex down with me. Speaking of feelings, I hate the phrase "Is it hot enough for ya?" If someone says that to me one more time Whoops, I guess this isn't a pet peeve writing assignment. The sensations that I have been feeling lately are sensations of extreme heat whenever I step outside! I loved this country place we went to the other night, even though it was far from country. Twostepping reminds me of my ex who is still calling. I plan to work out at least 4 times a week now, I'm just so sick of being the group fatty. My friend and I were talking about how we don't have any ugly friends, which I guess is good and bad. Good because, I guess being cute always is, and bad, because that means lots of competition! :) I just don't want to be the biggest one anymore. That whole last tangent makes no sense to me, so I'm sure if you choose to read this line, it will make none to you either. Well, my 20's up! Hope it was good reading!

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10

Sometimes, I don't understand my ex-Boyfriend. He tends not to tell me everything, especially the ones that he thinks I shouldn't have to worry about. Maybe it's because we didn't have enough time to know more about each other before I left. A lot of times, I sincerely wished I had known him earlier, and things between us could have been lot better. When we were together, I didn't think I would miss him that much even if I came back to US. But, somehow, he knew I would miss him. But I really didn't realize how much I miss him until now that I am back here. I couldn't call him nor email him. The only thing I can do to keep in touch with him was write letters. It takes about a month back and forth. And one month is really too long for me. I want to know how he is doing and if he misses me as well. I wish he could come here to see me. But I know it's just my imagination to something that's almost impossible. Even though we never really talk about how we are now since we are so far away from each other, at least, I know that we are still good friends.

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14

right now it is 7:30 and I am suppose to write for twenty minutes. this shouldn't be hard, so ill just write exactly what comes to my mind. I'm sitting in one of the guys on my halls room. so I may make some references to what he is saying. Today was a very tiring day. i went to bed at nine last night and couldnt get up. i think I just over slept. I was excited to see my best friend for dinner tonight. he can always make me laugh and put a smile on my face. i need to get my hair cut when I go home this weekend. and I need to go shopping for my brother before I get home. its his birthday on sat. i am not sure what I need to get him. hes so easy to shop for but I want to get him something he will really like. My dad and my brother came in this weekend and I was so happy to see them. i only wish I knew if he were saved. i gave him a card last week in the mail asking him if he was because I wanted to know if he would be with me in heaven when all is said and done. and he still hasn't responded to the card. i hope I didnt scare him or make him feel uncomfortable. i just wish he would understand how awesome God is. he has done so much for me. and I just wish my dad would let God bless him as well. all I know is that without God. i would not make it through every day. I'm really blessed that the people I hang out with are strong Christians. i just hope that I am a strong influence on those who don't know Christ. I'm really glad I get to see my mom and sister this weekend . i miss them so much. I need to start managing my time better soon. or I am going to be far behind in my classes. i also need to start running again. its been about four days since I last ran. not good. I have no idea what to write next. but give me a minute and something will come to mind. i hope I'm thinking but what I'm writing is all I am thinking about. ok this past weekend some of my friends came up and it was good to see them. except one girl used two towels while she was here. i could of shot her. she doesn't understand that I am in college and as stupid as it sounds I don't have towels coming out my ears. and I have to wash them. and it cost money to wash living in the dorm. which I love there is always something to do here. its so much fun. there is never a dull moment. i only get annoyed when some girls down the hall yell and scream like they are haveing the time of their life all the time. it really starts to bug. i don't know I'm listing to this guy whose room I'm in talk on the phone so that is what is in my mind now. i can't wait tomorrow I start impulse. a freshman bible study on campus. i hope to meet some more life long friends there. iv really enjoyed this class so far. its fun and interesting. i have two minutes left to write. this really wasnt a hard assignment. it was easier than I thought. and kind of neat. i guess its almost time for me to start the next one. just a few more seconds and I'm done. ok anytime now. a minute seems a lot longer when you think it should be over. ok its over.

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28

Well, my name is Robert Marshall Reinauer Jr. I am now thinking about what I am thinking. I am thinking about Physics. Physics is hard because I have never taken a class in it and the first one I am taking is a college course. Another thing I am thinking about is how long these lines are and how much of a page am I really writing. Did you guys set it up this way on purpose to see something or to tell something about us. Well, if you want to know something that I am feeling right now is that these lines really annoy me by being so long. That is o. k. cause I will just deal with it. I am also thinking about my home and what my girlfriend is doing. If she misses me and other things about her. I am missing her. Studying here is tough and so are the classes. But hopefully that will just make me learn more. There are two girls next to me and they are talking alot. Usually I get people next to me in the computer lab that talk in French and Spanish so I don't know what they are saying and it does not bug me as much. Finally the end of the abnormal typing line. Well, I can understand what these girls are talking about and I don't even really care but they are still distracting me from providing a researchable paper. It really does not annoy me that much but, I like perfect situations and that means everything goes my way. Unfortunately that does not always happen. Guess what they just left. It is really quiet and I can think lots better. Well, since I have been in college I have thought about the future more. Does everyone think about the future more in college. I bet the majority does. I am really worried about how everything is going to work out after college if there is an after college. I would like to become a big success and become a great doctor but so would a million other people and I know there is not room for a million other people which narrows the picking for medical school. I will just do my best and the hope the best comes of it. Nobody knows though what will happen. This is pretty neat turning in a paper on the computer. Finally another line. I am going to try to pick up another class because I need more hours. I hope I can get something that will help me maximize my time here. My counselors said that I can only take 12 hours which is nice advice but who has to go to school here them or me. I would like to get out of here as soon as possible. Not because I don't like it, but just cause I am eager to see what I will be in the future, a success or a complete failure. Well, 20 minutes is up and I have to confess that I have been correcting my grammatical mistakes just cause I feel better if I do. I hope you understand. Bye.

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26

Well here I am sitting down prepared to type for twenty minutes. The first thing that comes into my mind is how slow I type and it is not any easier typing on a laptop. I wish my regular computer waS WORKING. OOPS I JUST PUSHED THE CAPS LOCK BUTTON. thats better. I also can't help but think how hungry I am. Maybe I should go down to the cafateria and get a quick byte. Than again I could just make something real quick that taste much better. geez this bracelet doesn't make it easier to type either. thats better. Maybe if I move the laptop onto my lap. eh. . somewhat better. My girlfriend should be comming back soon. I am glad she joined a sorority. it gives me some space. I wish she would understand that I need my space. oh well that will just be an ongoing argument between the two of us. there goes my stomach again. My suitmate should be leaving soon for a fraternity event. To bad erik's parents wouldn't let him join a fraternity. this song is catchy. but it is played out. I am so mad about my car. I don't understand how a brand new car won't start. At least I got it into the shop quick. I hope I get it back tomorrow. Linkin Park's new cd is so amazing. I wish jennifer didn't give me such a hard time about putting it on. I think I will listen to it aftter I finish typing. I am half way through. This assignment is pretty cool. I never realized how much I could write in twenty minutes. my psychology class is huge. I wonder how many people are in it. It has got to be at least 400 kids. It is so different seeing a teacher standing infront of all those kids. they even have a microphone. Those huge projectors that are built into the wall are so awesome too. I hate commercials. . I wonder when I will get to use my checks for the first time. I have never had to use a check before. I think I will like going to UT. Its only been a week and a half and I love it. It is so stressful living at home. Always having to do somehting. I know that my parents do everything for me, but they always keep me busy. I wonder what I can eat. I wonder how long I can last without eating. Maybe Jennifer will get back soon and make me a great meal. She is so good to me. I really do Love her. I hope my dad gets me those Incubus tickets. I really want to go. Eminem is always on the radio. . I wonder what he was talking about at the vma's the other night. Something about punching a guy with glasses. I wonder if evereybody thinks the way I do. I know that my mind is really weird. I don't even understand my self sometimes. I jump from thought to thought so quickly. I hope I learn something about myself in psychology. I wonder is college is going to be hard. Well I only have two minutes left I think I should see what other homework I might have. 30 seconds left and all I can think about is eating. 9. 8. 7. 6. 5. 4. 3. 2. 1. .

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24

I'm finally getting around to typing this stream of consciousness thing. I don't know why I was procrastinating before, maybe hesitant because I'm subconsciously afraid of what I'd write. But my dorm doesn't start its, um, food service thing for 20 minutes and I'm getting tired of uploading all my course assignments from syllabi up to Mozilla Calendar. I'm already typing more coherently than I thought I was going to (caffeine, maybe? Doesn't it clear and speed up your thought process?) 1:56 already. If I get to the cafeteria too early I'll have to have cereal or something just kicking around until they start preparing real food; that happened earlier today, for the first time in fact, because I ignored the Castilian Food Service schedule. I guess I'm bound to forget some stuff over the long weekend, first time going back home from Austin. Roommate's explaining The Facebook to suitemate right now. His music used to be catchy, but he needs to get more variety. I've heard Beenie Man and uhhhhh Young Buck maybe two dozen times a day, it's dumbening me. I was expecting my writing to be more Ulysses-like; that's a great book: I even brought it to my dorm but haven't had time to read any of it all (not that I did at home, either) There's a guy in my intro linguistics class that looks a lot like James Joyce, down to the facial hair and everything. God he's annoying, sucking up to Herr Doktor and asking questions that --- A nerf basketball just hit me. Damn --questions to which the answers are overly obvious. Not that I have anything against him for looking like James Joyce. I picked my glasses because they looked Joycean (My dad has the same glasses as Noam Chomsky). The tiny old Vietnamese woman (7:23) at my optometrists (all the employees have been Vietnamese. Ong, Doan, Tran, Quach, Nguyen, &c. ) said something bizarre about them making me 'look powerful'. It sounded cool at the time, but in retrospect it was really creepy. (8:39) Suitemate probably thinks I'm vaguely antisocial because I'm typing furiously instead of playing Nerf basketball with him and my roommate. The ball just went under my bed; there, he got it. Missed it from as far back as my bed, dropped it again, shot again. I was tempted to bring ummmmm not Ulysses. Finnegan's Wake (no apostrophe, I remembered) up to my room, as my roommate seems not to care that I already have too lofty of literature here (I was afraid of seeming to effete if I was stuck with some anti-intellectual jock from College Station, but it's fine) but I already have enough unread books on my shelf. Not that I don't intend to read it all sometime. Last time I checked I was on page 168 which I think is quite far for something with almost no coherence at all. Somewhere I read that Joyce revised the text continuously, making it more and more obscure and pun-filled and incoherent with each revision. which would make Strauss happy. It's funny what you learn from Harpers Magazine. Apparently the record at shots at the Nerf basketball hoop from printer-desk range is 4. Or maybe 8. Maybe Adam made 8 and David 4? I wasn't really paying attention, but Ooh, my sister just signed onto AIM. We need to try that Mediterranean restaurant on 24th sometime. I occasionally laugh or say something noncommittal or vaguely supportive to show that I'm paying attention to their little basketball game David made 3 now. Adam's trying from distance, missed. Standing right next to me, apparently I'm 3 point range. When I grow up I bet I'll have to patronize my kids similarly. 16:14 I can eat before too terribly long, then I'll have to read for history and such and add this class to mozilla calendar David just backed into me. Ewww This 50 cent song is so violent. At first I thought it was catchy, but really it's just creepy. 17:41 He's putting the Onion volume 14 back on my shelf, upside down. They're leaving for dinner, asked me if I wanted to come, explained psych writing assignment. He doesn't think he like's quesadillas. They're ok, but I prefer them without too much stuff in them. Which they always have, except that it's the do-it-yourself line which should remedy that. So I'll be down in a few seconds. unless the elevators take too long which they do. What else. AIM. Got my course packets today. IT was easier to find but Abel's I had to search for. DONE!

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9

At this very moment I am feeling slightly depressed. My roommate left for the weekend to go home and see her grandmother. That's great. The first weekend of school and she decides to go home. She left me all alone even for the first football game. It's not that I am totally stuck on my roommate but having her around is nice. It gives me someone to go and do things with and just some extra company. I'm also a little stressed. Moving to college has been fine for me. I haven't gotten home sick, really. And I'm having a lot of fun. But adjusting to how much work I have now is hard. I one of those people who needs to complete all tasks and be ahead of schedule if possible. That's impossible here. And if your not computer literate your screwd. So that means that I am screwed. But on the same notion, it forces me to learn about computers and how they work. I have no option if I want to succeed. Succeeding is important. I was valedictorian of my high school. I think that is a curse. It seems that the past valedictorians have failed at what they have attempted past high school. And it doesn't help that the entire community is watching either. I want to succeed and prove that theory wrong. I hope it happens. I really miss my boyfriend. that is an interesting story. He is 26 and lives in Dallas. What a bummer. Not that he is 26 but that he lives in Dallas. It is hard with our relationship sometimes because we come for two totally different worlds. Most of the time I don't know how to read him. What is he thinking? That worries me most of the time. I don't want to seem totally dependent or ignorant or niave. We once got into a fight and he told me that I had become to dependent on him. That really pissed me off. I don't believe that I had become dependent so much as emotionally attached and bored. Bored because he had moved and I had nothing else going on at the time. How dare he call me dependent. How am I suppose to feel when he decideds to move off to Dallas and not visit that much using his job as an excuse. Dependent my ass! It just really irritates me. But I don't know what to think about it. Moments like these, when I'm all alone is when I miss him the most. And I try not to think about him scared that it is making me dependent but at the same time I can't help it. then I have thoughts go through my head that maybe being dependent every now and then isint so bad. Its him that has the problem. Why does he have to be so independent? I don't believe that someone can be totally independent. Everyone from one time to another needs someone. Everyone. So why does he have to act as if he doesn't. I wonder if my time is up yet. I honestly don't think that this has helped me much. Its just made me think more. Great. yes my time is up. good.

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28

This semester should be one where I define the rest of my life. Working as hard as possible to get into the school of architecture. It is what I have wanted to do for the past 5 years. The fact that I was initially rejected brought me down. But I can't let that hold me down. Hopefully psychology will help me sort out my thought processes. My roommate is being very helpful right now by blurting out random words and playing decent music. I'm pretty fortunate to have a good friend like him. I have known him for the past 2 years. I am also fortunate for having good professors this semester. I don't really have a monotone stiff up on stage reciting the book word for word. I am also fortunate that the girl next to me in psychology class is hot. Hopefully something will come of it. If not there are about 20,000 other cute girls running around on this great campus. I thought this was going to be easy but so far I just can't seem to talk about much. That it was I hate about myself is that I am too shy around people I don't know. People I don know think I am loud and very extroverted but around strangers I don't know how to initiate conversation. There are times though when I don't really care and I seem to make friends with everyone. I have a lot of reading to do but I thought I might as well get this out of the way. I used to do this type of thing in my 10th grade English classes. Mr. Wildman was so cool. My old high school wasn't very good. I guess that is why I only went there for 2 years. I bet there are about 2 million mistakes in this paper once I am done typing this. The psychology textbook is pretty easy reading. That is such a relief because I need to work as hard as I ever had in my entire life and I probably couldn't do it if the books were terrible. I think that after this semester of busting my ass I t help bring me into a routine of busting my ass and making a 4. 0 over the next years will come natural. I believe that the harder you work the better the pay off. Architecture is a field of tremendous work. I have worked with a guy for the past two years. It so good. I have learned more on the job than I think I will ever learn in any classroom. It was a job I was looking forward to going to every morning. He gave me a lot of responsibility this past summer. I was able to organize the El Paso Independent School District fundraiser where I happened to meet a lot of influential people in the society. How much longer do I need to type? This is lasting longer than I thought it would. I guess my head is just empty. I think while doing this I try to hard to put on this thing that I think you want to hear. But since it is just a free thought paper I should just be able to write whatever I want. But for some reason it just isn't happening. I think way too much about things that keep me up at night. I often lie in bed until 4 in the morning just thinking I will be in the next 10 years. I have always had the dream of making it big and becoming some architect who becomes immortal thought his outstanding designs and buying my parents whatever they have always wanted. I think that making my parents proud of me is my ultimate goal in life. Just once to here my dad say, "that's my son" in front of a whole crowd of people and for him o be so proud of what I have become and done is the greatest thing in the world. Hopefully I went let him down that is why I come to class. That is why I have to college. This is why I am reading and turning this assignment in days early. I will do whatever needs to be done to get to the top. If I don't I have not only let myself down but my parents as well. But I won't let that happen. This is the place an time to make or break my future and I don't plan I on coming away from the university with anything less then I what I came here for. I will be the best and I will make my parents proud. Time is almost up I thin. I guess this has been good for me. Even though no one will probably ever read this I know it has been a vent. These are things no one has ever heard me say. So take car of it. Times up teach, talk to you later.

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28

I feel very tired and alone. My room is too quiet to sleep, if that is possible and I don't have anyone to talk to since my roomate is out of town. The fan is on high right now to try to create some noise and keep me cool and comfortable, but the mugginess and isolation are too much to allow me to get any meaningful rest. It seems as though me clothes are permanently stuck to my chest and back. There is hardly any noise in my room besides the sound of the fan and the typing sound of my keyboard. I like to type as fast as possible so that the keys make almost a musical harmony. Besides the occasional loneliness, I am very happy with my new life here at college. My ex-girlfriend from high school came in for the weekend to see me, and I had a great time. however, I don't think that I would like for her to come to college with me. She goes to A&M and although I don't get to see her as much as I would like, I think that I saw her too much when we were together. It makes for sort of an awkward situation, but I have a lot of freedom, and at the same time, quite a bit of security knowing that she still cares about me and loves me. I don't like to say goodbye to her, though. She holds me and kisses me all weekend, but when it is time to go, she gets more depressed than she was when she hadn't seen me for weeks. Sometimes I get scared about her being so home-sick. She stopped eating for a while, but only told me about it today. It made me upset to think of someone who was too upset about college to eat. Everyone ends up saying college is the best time of their life, so I think that people should just forget about being homesick and try to get to the fun stuff as soon as possible. I like to have my own place, my own stuff, and a new group of friends. For the first time in my life, I can use self-control and discipline which I lacked back in high school. Back then, I figured that my parents could try to catch me if they could, but here, it's either be smart or lose out on a great opportunity to get an education and make connections. My parents do still have some say in my behavior though. They are the ones that tote most of the bills for me and recently rejected my request to join a fraternity. I was really excited to get my bid and go through the pledge stuff, knowing all along that my parents would make me wait out the first semester until joining. I wanted to make some new friends outside of the ten or so good friends that came here from high school with me. Oh well, I guess that parents know best, and I didn't challenge them too much with this decision. I'm sure that I could still join today, with the use of a little charm and a minor guilt trip. But, they are probably right on this one, so I'll let them win. The weather here seems to give me frequent nose-bleeds, unless I am just picking it more than usual (a little humor even though no one but me is listening). I love to joke around about things. The nose bleeds may be caused by some sort of anxiety or stress about being in a new place. I used to wake up with them all the time when I first moved from Michigan to Texas. I thought that it was the driness, but now that I have them again, you can't help but wonder. Time seems to go by quickly when I get to ramble on about life and myself. Does that mean that I am arrogant or self centered, that's probably it. The phone just rang and got me off track, but it's about time to go anyways. I try to correct all my mistakes during this writing even though I know that I don't have to. The work of good teachers or just a perfectionist, you make the call. Actually, I think that the bloody nose may have come from being hit during a game of basketball the other day. Maybe it is just a coincidence. Psychologists always over examine things I think. The answer the usually right in front of their nose, but they think about it too much and get too deep. Was that a pun?

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1

I know there's nothing "wrong" I can write, but I still feel like whatever I'm writing may not be what they had in mind. It's about 11:20, and I am starving. As soon as I finish this I'll get to go and eat. I just came back from calculus, which is at least a 15 minute walk away from where I am (which is Dobie). I don't think I'm going to learn too much from the professor I have for calculus. He doesn't ever explain what the hell he's trying to do, and, like today when this guy tried to ask him, he almost yelled at him for jumping ahead. It is really frustrating because he first says something and then writes it down verbatim, and it makes me really mad. He wastes so much class time writing down the obvious even after he's said it ten times. I tried taking notes, but I doubt they'll help. I have always loved math, but this is just frustrating. My friend Ashli (who also lives here nad is from my tiny hometown) has a suitemate named Sonia, who had him last year. She said it's horrible. SLhe only knew two people who got an A in his class. She was telling me about how he writes down every little thing, and now I see what she means. She also said his tests are nothing like the homework, so I don't know what to expect. I am so hungry right now. I didn't eat too much this morning, because I never seeem to be hungry when I first wake up. My roommate is really sick. Ithink she has strep throat. Which means it'll only be a matter of daysbefore I get it too. My immune system has never been that good. I know, I know, I never really exercised that much, but I never seem tok have too much energy. My mom always thought I was anemic, but tests show I'm supposedly not. It's so weird how whenever I walk around campus I keep seeing people I know. Well, not really know, but I recognize them from camptexas or orientation or somewhere like that. I usually don't get to know too many people from placeslike that because I tend to be a little on the shy side. People always toldm e I'd outgrow that, but, well, I'm still waiting. In fact if there's onet hing I could change about me, ti'd probably be that. Everyone says you can make yourself not be shy, but I'm sorry, I don't know how. I've tried and tried, but to no avail. When I'm around a lot of people I know, it's not too bad. Like in high school, I knew everyone in school (it's a small school and we've allb een together since kindergarten) and it was never too bad. I didn't love public speaking or anything where a lot of attention was directly on me, but I was always pretty comfortbale around everyone. But here I feel kind of lonely. My cousin, GArrod, who is a sophomore here, says it was that way for him lst year. I can't even reach one of my older friends here. I don't know what the problem is. And my other friend I called never called back. I don't know if she just didn't get the message, or if she's not calling back because she doesn't want to. My friend Ashli and I spend a lot of time together (we eat together and stuff) but she's already separating form me a little bit. At least we're going to the football game together. I'm looking forward to the game. I miss football. I never eallly appreciated it until I played powder puff last year. I somehow always feel like I'm overlooked because I'm quiet. At lest I hope it's because I'm quiet, and not just because I'm easy to overlook. I'm the youngest in my family, and whenever my older brother would be talking to my mom, she would always listen to him and ignore me, no matter what I was saying, until he left the room. Honestly, they thought because I am younger that whatever I say can't possible be as important as what he's saying. I could be telling her the house is one fire while he was telling her how he drove to town, and she wouldn't listen. Don't get me wrong, she has always been a great mom, but that has always bothered me, maybe more than it shoyuld. I don't really believe in those horoscope things, but sometimes when I have read them (at the end of theday) some eerie things ahave been true. Anyway, I read one of them on the ocmptuer. First of all, I have never been a "typical" sagittarius, like the magazines and articles say. They say they're all outgoing, and at times I am painfully shy nad introverted. Well, the one I read on the computer said the way to most hurt my feelings was to ignore me. And, that's true. If one of my friends is a total asshole to me, I will usual forgive them if they will just pay some attentin to me. I don't' think I have too many people in my life that I can count on, and that's really what I need most. I don't know if there's anyway I can fix that, but it's been a long 18 years. This probalby sounds like I'm a manic depressive, but before you call the authorities, let me assure you I'm not. I just don't have very high self esteem at times, and I often feel like I'm all alone in the world. I ahve a fear that I'll never find anyone to love me (like a husband). I don't see how someof these other people manage to meet tons of guys, while I'm always alone. And most of those girls don't even appreciate them, and I know I would. Maybe it's back to the shyness thing. I really don't know, but I wish whoever did wuold tell me. I don't know what I want to do with my life. I was hoping my classes this smester would help, but I don't know. Part of me wants to go into business, but by the time I get accepted into the business school, I may change my mind again. I'm in the natural sciences thing as an undeclared pre-med right now, but who knows howl ong that will last? I'm not lazy, but it takes me a hwile to get readjusted into going back to school. And even though I was in two ap classes my senior year and I graduated valedictorian by a long shot, I never had to work TOO hard in school. This stuff just came naturally to me.

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18

I really wish I didn't have to do this. Actually I don't want to do homework at all. I don't like reading textbooks and that is all we have been doing. I actually didn't even start reading any of my books until I knew I had to for an Economics quiz. This weekend the plan was to catch up on everything and I really didn't. I did catch up on economics, which is the hardest class I'm taking. I am really disappointed that I didn't get to see my friends in Arlington, but I did get to hang out with my parents and that was nice. I miss them but I love college and Austin. I also hope that I get to hang out with my cousin more and get to know her a lot better. Unfortunately our age difference is huge so we don't have too much in common but she has been calling and cooking for me so I don't mind that. Cat's here and she's talking. Jessica is here and she's messing with channels. Earlier we watched the U. S Open after she got home and we watched Justine Henin-Hardenne lose. Yay. Oh, I really have to sneeze and I'm kind of thirsty. I really want to eat some peanut butter and crackers and maybe a taco. One time our fridge was leaking stuff that looked like coke. Today I talked to Alicia's mom more that I talked to her. I actually didn't get to talk to her because her voicemail turned on. I hope she is doing ok at UNT because she hasn't sound happy or upbeat when I have talked to her. I talked to Amanda today too and now I'm so frazzled and distracted. Cat and Jessica are loud and I can't even complete a train of thought. It's kind of scary if a guy has a blow-dryer. Is William Faulkner the dean? I don't know but I'm so excited about UT. Jessica has a lot of clothes, food, and books and I think my dorm room is going to be vacuumed up by her stuff. Today I bought milk, actually my mom bought milk, and then we drove to Kinsolving. Later, I tried to put a fitted sheet onto my bed and it took a long time to put on and Jess made fun of me because I couldn't put it on. I just told Cat that she couldn't have a Kleenex and it was pretty funny. I really like college and all the people I have met so far. They are so nice and I love them.

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12

as I begin this assignment its seems weird to me that I am in college and I locating my professor on the computer I don't have to be in the room to hand you an assignment I have to get up early for class tomorrow usually I'm in bed by now I don't know why I up, I seem to have this spurt of energy tonight I've gotten so much done tonight though I so stressed out this week but today I realize that I've been stressing over future stuff and I was looking at the wrong dates on my syllabus oops forgot to hit the return button typing is making me so much more tired tonight when I'm done I will go to bed I love waking up in the morning its such a fresh beginning feeling forgot that stupid button again next door the music just got turned on real loud they better cut it out by the time I'm ready for bed I wish Wesley were here to go to bed with me Maryland is so far away at 1 in the morning, not that its any closer at 2 in the afternoon but things are so much more in perspective at that time wow I bet this is really improving my typing skills, not that they are bad I had that typing class in 9th my back hurts this position hurts but in 9th grade that teacher what was her name. . . oh yeah Mrs. reader and she had that annoying voice. aaaaaaa now class . bbbbbbb is everyone understanding how to switch the fingers to the right letters? this class psych reminds me of my mom she is a therapist I like hearing her talk about that kind of stuff but I don't like when she uses her therapy shit on me anyway I miss her I hope her business trip is going well Virginia seems far away at one in the morning I wonder why I typed that 1 out and just pushed the one key for the last one? anyhow or anywho I can not stand that . anywho! I am not capitalizing my I's anymore cause I’m tired and you said we didn't have to worry about grammar well I have two minutes and to tell you the truth I am now ready to quite and go to bed.

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14

I can't believe it! It's really happening! My pulse is racing like mad. So this is what it's like. now I finally know what it feels like. just a few more steps. I wonder if he is going to get any sleep tonight!? I sure won't! Well, of course I have a million deadlines to meet tomorrow so I'll be up late anyway. But OH! I'm so so excited! Yes! Yes! I can't believe it is finally happening. Wait! Calm down. We aren't officially a couple yet. What if I end up not liking him? That would be horrible. Oh great, I wonder how long it'll take me to finish those Calculus problems? I'll get it done. Don't you always, Amy? I can't believe Bob did it! He really did it! He is THE miracle worker. If things turn out all right I will owe him more than I can ever repay. I wonder what Steve is doing in Malaysia right now? An entire month! I'll likely clean out his refrigerator by then. Omigosh! Food, lunch tomorrow, what will I ever say to him? He is perfect in every way imaginable. It is so important for him to think of me the same way. well, maybe not Perfect, but certainly dynamic. Who would have ever thought! Good things do indeed come to those who wait! Oh, I'll have to remember to sign the poster he made tomorrow morning. I hope Steve's alarm clock is reliable and I don't oversleep. That would be tragic if I slept 'til noon and missed the lunch. Thank goodness Portia is coming along. I will definitely need her support as well as Bob's. just having her there will take away some of the tension and put me more at ease. I'll have to rehearse what I say beforehand. things can only get better from here, right? hopefully. oh, I'm so nervous! He will be too. maybe even more so. it'll be ok. Why in the world do humans put themselves through such torture. maybe love is really worth it?

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6

Today is September 10, the day before our new monumental rememberence day of September 11th. I sometimes wonder if tomorrow there will be another attack on the United States. It is weird to think that anything could happen tomorrow and we can't do anything about it. I still remember like it was yesterday watching the September 11th terrorist attack not knowing what will happen to the United STates. I really hope that we can prevent anything from happening tomorrow. Now that I am a freshman at the University of Texas things are beginging to change. For instance, my boyfriend and I are on a break , whatever that means. He doesn't like me only seeing him when it is convinient for me to hang out. He's a junior at St. Edwards University and has done the whole new college experience already. It is hard for him to not see me as much as this summer. I think it is that I really want to go out and meet new people. Getting to know the girls at my dorm in Kinsolving is really fun, and I like hanging out with them on the weekends. Of course this means going to parties with other boys there, and this doesn't make my boyfriend very happy. I can totally understand because I wouldnt want him to hang out with all girls at a party, but I have to do the whole college experience right? Well anyway now that we are broken up, I realize how much I miss him and how much I don't want to end things. It's weird how when it's time to go to sleep or study that is all I can think about. He's so cute and perfect, I don't know what I am screwing up. It's hard trying to balance your time here now that I am in college. There is always something to do, and I love that, but I need to concentrate on studying and keeping myself on track. I guess in high school that courses could be made not as difficult, and deadlines were not so final, as long as you could persuade the teacher. College is a blast and I love my roomate. She went to high school with me until our junior year when she moved to Baton Rouge. She still came down lots during the last two years of high school to visit her old friends every chance she could. So then she made the right choice and came to UT and we ended up rooming together. It's really fun because last night we decided we wanted to work out at the gym downstairs to take a break from studying and went to kinsolvings gym for an hour from 1 in the morning to 2 in the morning. I really need to go to the gym today also because I don't want to gain the freshman 15, I reallly don't want to go back home to Lake Jackson looking like a heffer! So anyway I think I might go run after I finish writing. Another hard thing about being off at school is that my best friend in the world is not here. She got in to the summer UT program but decided to go to LSU instead. I miss her so much, we spent every second toghther this summer and are so close. OUr boyfriends are best friends so the four of us hung out all the time. Me and my boyfriend were responsible for hooking them up, so we could all hang out and it worked perfectly. Except now we're having problems and we're in the same town. My friend and her boyfriend are 8 hours away and doing great, funny how that works. One good thing about going to school here in austin is that it is so pretty. I love the hills and trees. OUtside my dorm room window is hills and churches. Yes, it is hot here but it doesnt have the humididty that we had back home. Another good thing about living here is that my older sister that is 21 goes to SWT so is only like 30 minutes away from me. We have always been so close and I miss her lots. I went down on Laybor day with 3 of my friends to go float the river with her and her sorority sisters. It was really fun and I got to spend time with her. My mom is sad that I left for college, she wanted me to stay at home for the first year and go to a jr college. I really wanted to get out on my own and not have to stay at home and be left behind. All of my friends were leaving for school and I really didnt wnat to be the only one at home. I am one out of four kids at home. MY older sister is already off at SWT, but then I have a 15 year old brother and a 11 year old sister. I don't think it is the same at home without me. My mom and I are really close, and I talk to her almost everyday. She said it's very quiet without me at home, I guess I was always the busy one and needing to do stuff and rush around. Even though not being at home is very weird, I love college. The freedom you have is great. I know that I have to concentrate on my classes lots because I want to get into the communications school here at UT>

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14

I have just returned to my room from my biology class. Madeline forgot her notes so she has borrowed mine so I cannot study them at the moment. I am very excited because I got a full meal for only $3. 00! I got a free coke, a free corner of a sandwich, 2 free candy bars and I bought a berry and yogurt parfait for 3 bucks, which by the way was really tasty. It is in my refrigerator now because I have only eaten breakfast about two hours ago. Well tomorrow at 3:30 I will be done with classes for the week and I am thinking of driving home for the night to Lake Jackson. It is a three hour drive, but I am not really homesick, just feel kind of lost. The reason I'll tell anyone else for going home is to pick up my new computer. See the one I have works fine plugged into the wall but for some reason unknown to myself and three Dell representatives/technical experts the battery will not charge. SO they have sent me a entire system replacement, after first trying to merely replace the battery. Which is what should happen because when one orders a $2000 system they would hope it would work. So my next class is in about an hour and a half. It is biology which is interesting to me for the most part. It is my major, but I have been planning on changing it. I chose it mostly because what I was interested in was medicine and I wanted to go to medical school after college. Now, I am not quite sure that is what is for me, although it was never a sure thing. Now I was thinking of changing to some sort of liberal arts degree where I could take more classes of interest to me and also Spanish which I recently tested out of 13 hours!! I could also go from there to med school or law school or whatever sort of graduate school I decide on. There are so many decisions to be made. Now that I have finally chosen a college. I still am wondering about that decision. I mean I Have always loved Texas, my dad went here and the school just has everything to offer. Maybe that is the problem too much?? I just sort of feel like I'm not fitting in, but then again isn't that what UT is about, being an individual? Well, I definitely like to be an individual and my own self, but I would like some friends, a group who'll call and see what I'm doing, call to hang out. I mean I have been here only 11 days and I'm worried? Well not yet, I am still giving it time. But I just feel so down on myself and anti-social. The only people I have really hung around are from my hometown. Not that it's all bad, I just was so ready to branch out into something NEW! So going home just seems like a good answer at the time, I even thought maybe I chose the wrong college, but how can I say that when I've been here not even two weeks. At home, making friends was always easy. I was the center of focus there. Had everything, here there is so many that I am, well, unnoticed. That in itself is a change. But then I think isn't everyone else going through the same thing? Then if everyone else is, then why don't we just get together? Well I guess the world does not work that way. But I have not given up yet, there is still hope. The first football game is Saturday and I know that will reinforce my love for the school. I loved going to the games when I wasn't a student at this school. Maybe I can meet some friends then. So it is labor day weekend coming up. Mostly I need to be studying, but that is what school is about. I think we may float the river, so that will be fun. I have started swimming this week and really want to go tonight, but I have a study session for Bio at 7pm, ,hopefully there will be enough time to get there swim, change and make it over to Welch. I just am not sure how to work it all out. drive, walk, ride the bus. I don't live in a city and things are so different here. The town I am from, I didn't even live in the city limits. Hhmmmm. but I really need to workout. I am not going to get fat in college. I need to lose pounds right now, not gain them. But food is everywhere, I guess you can see by the free food. Well maybe I can just eat some now and some between next class to prevent excess snacking. But the candy bars aren't good. Ok, before next class I need to read some bio and some psychology, but what I really want to do is lay in my bed, listen to music, watch TV maybe take a nap?. Nope not here in the college world. Wow, I like to write down my thoughts it is soul clearing.

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21

It comes easy just to type out what I am thinking, I am used to keeping a thourogh journal. It didnt necessarily have written sections like a dear diary but had many ideas and thoughts expressed in art. I really do love art. The communications school has a fantastic creative program which I hope to become a part of. It a rigorous comittment that i feel fully qualified for. That is my own concieded thought. Anyways, college has been everything I expected for and more. My professors are interesting and the social scene is very entertaining. I still find myself getting sad at nights because I am not with some of my closest friends. Lauren Nagler, Stephanie Miller, Adam Gutmann. . some kids that are really special to me and its really sad not seeing them everyday. I also see myself getting sad that i can not see my parents everyday. I talk to them quite alot but its not the same. It kind of scares me too since my mom is going through alot, and batteling cancer, and my inconsiderate brother takes no responsibility in the family. It was supposed to be my year at college my time to be off duty and my brother thinks its appropriate to go and work in the Netherlands. I have such ill feelings for that boy. Besides that. I mean life goes on. You can't get stuck in a rut. you got to live each day as it comes. There has been some drama in my new life here at UT. It is all a bunch of dumb girls who think they know what they are talking about and they really dont. I am a pretty chill, I am not a competer. ill quit before the race begins just because i don't care about things that much. And especially with guys, I am not the type of girl to be a homewrecker. And for Petes sake I am only 19- a freshman- its not like the people we have found this week are going to be our soulmates for life. Anat- the girl whose giving me the worst vibes in the world thinks she can call dibs on every guy- who is she to do that??? whatever- again i don't compete- take them all and be happy- i am too worried about my grades and other things that are improtant to me. This writing assignment is actually pretty cool. Its like a way to vent out whats on your mind and get a grade for it. It is really hot in my dorm room right now, and the cd i was listening to is over, Lynard Skynard, what a good cd. I think my car phone is broken too and its like the fourth one i have gone through- I got these cute pictures today at tops photo. i am really getting into the swing of things here at UT and its really comforting. I came with alot of friends. some who i didnt reallly want to hang out with some I did- I have met alot of cool cool peeps and i am definatly having a good time. Its really hard to find something to talk about with there is one minute left----

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7

I M here in my room doing Psycology, Andrea is coming over tonight and I am a child of God, Homer Simpson is my drink coaster and i'm closing my eyes now so I can think with out interuption from the sight s of my room and computer destk. MY family loves me so much my father is the most honorable and selfless man i know, and my mom is like non other, my brother is so cool, i worry about him at times because he doesn't aspire to go to college but he is so cool and mabey he knows something i don't. God loves me unconditionaly , i regret arguing with my mom about the eybrow ring, that was stupic, andrea will be her soon and i'm typing there is a pencil sharpener on my desk, i wish i could see mary and carrie from highschool, i used to think the world of carrie. i'm so ashamed of sinning against God, but i know deep down that i'm so forgiven and he is in control and he loves me like i could never imagine. i wonder why im doing this writing experiment, there are still almost 15 minutes to type. i just poped my knuckles. God has plans for me, perfect preordained plans just for me, he wandt me to love him and seek to know him better, God in the form of christ perished for me but he is alive and Goc you are with me, there is a sprite can in my trash can, and my drivers licence is in my money clip, i poped a zit on my arm and it hurts, i used to have a lot of zits when i was a kid, men died for me in WW2 and vietman, i wonder how the enemies felt durring the battles. but the texas longhorns are going to win the championship baby, god you are with me and living inside of me i don't understand but i know and believe this, but i rebel so often father, i love nachos, and all kinds of mexican food, i can't wait to eat at El Charro's with my family in a few weeks if i go visit them. the lord of the rings and the hobbit are awesome, i can't wait to finish the 2 towers, andrea should be here soon, there is a texas rangers clock on my wall, i have seen so many rangers games, and Hennemen used to blow so many saves i want to catch some bass with my dad and brother in our new boat, but i hope we don't argue while on the water, i hope my dad finds a job that makes him happy, hand ball is a great game and i love keith like a brother, and my navs guys, puckett, nadig and so many others from the summers, god has blessed me with so many great friends and mentors, miami killed florida today and alabama nearly beat OU, i don't know who i truly wanted to win the game, i guess bama, i went to mobile for to summers with my uncles church and me my old girl friend, those were really neat times, god was with me then just as his is now, living inside of me and loving me and thats all i can say your love is unconditional, girls in tight jeans are so sexy, but i'm a child of god, why am i thinking those thoughts, god i pray you will protect me mind from sin, I've types about so many htins and my mind has been all over the place, my hair is in my face and is getting pretty darn long, after this i need to call my mom, and dad and jake and fred, the coolest dog ever, i had a good day, it was a gift from god, jeremy is getting baptised tommorow, i pray he will be an awesome man of god, OU sucks!!!!!, it feels good to have just taken a shower, my back itches, go loves me so does her, but who is her, who will i marry, do i know where ever she is i pray she is safe and i love you, was that a knock on the door andrea is here and she is walking in the room actually it is matt and i heard andreas voice, she brought me soup sheis

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10

I can't believe I am doing this, and that I actually am getting through it, because this is the first time that I have ever logged on to the world wide web, at least I think that is what you call it. To tell you the truth it is actually easier than I thought it would be, I expected it to be very difficult, but it's not all that bad. Anyhow all this computer stuff is fairly new to me and so it is rather confusing for me at times. But I guess I am coping with it and handling it the best I can. Though I am always afraid that I will hit one button and the whole place will shut down. Actually, that is a true nightmare that I have had before. Which reminds me that I have been having really strange dreams lately, and all of them concern a different aspect of school. Which I guess is because I have just moved here from a really small town. And when I say small, I mean really , really small, like about fifteen hundred people in the whole town. Now compared to that Austin is a real shocker. I guess it just takes some getting used to , and learning new things when you move from a farm to a fast paced city. So many things are different and yet so many things are the same. A funny thing happened when I first moved here a week ago, I found out that my cousin, she is the same age as me, is living in the apartment directly above mine. to me this is such a coincidence, really when you think about it is. Just think of how many apartment buildings there are in Austin, and I unknowingly chose the exact same one that she did. And she and I only used to see each other once a year, but now we see each other nearly every day. Christmas, when our families all got together was the only time we saw each other, I am already looking forward to the Christmas season because of the weather that we have at that time. I am so tired of this ninety degree weather. I can't wait for a cold spell or a norther to blow in and cool everything off. But I guess that won't happen for a while yet anyway. That reminds me that I have to pick up a raincoat or an umbrella before this weekend, because I am planning to go to my youngest brothers football game, and I want to be prepared in case it happened to rain. More than likely it won't rain, but I know that If I don't get a raincoat or umbrella then sure enough it will pour. I don't usually enjoy watching football games, actually I don't ever enjoy watching it, but my brother begged me and begged me to come see him, so I finally told him that we would come watch him this Friday. he's supposed to be really good. But I don't even remember what position he plays anymore. The reason that I don't really like football is that I don't understand the rules very well, and I think that if I knew them better then I would be able to follow along with the game better and enjoy it much more. I am not much of a person who likes sports and athletics much anyway. I like to do more calm, less active things. One of my really good friends happens to be getting married this weekend. I wonder what the wedding will be like, considering the man she is marrying is so strange. I wonder how long that marriage will last. But I am glad to be going to her wedding, because I will be able to see all of my old friends from high school again, and catch up with what they are doing now. I haven't seen them is a really long time so that should be interesting. Well, I am way past my twenty minutes, and must get to class, so I must end here.

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8

Right now I'm sitting in my dorm room. The TV is on and the band called The Calling is playing. I really like they're music, they kind of soothe my thoughts and put me at ease. Music plays an integral role in how my attitude is for a certain day or time. Many times I'll listen to something that is very hard and angry and it will put me in a bad mood, however, that rarely happens. I'm really kind of worried about my laundry at this time. I have honestly never washed any clothes, so it presents a particularly daunting task to myself. I have just realized how long 20 minutes is, and it seems a lot longer than what i figured it would be. Although this task isn't particularly challenging, it's interesting to try to think about what i'm thinking about. Many times I think the things I'm thinking of are reflected by hearing as well as sight. I've noticed this because I'm listening to music now and the song is a mellow number that is making me really relaxed. I need to make some Gatorade, because I drank all of it yesterday. Reese Witherspoon is really hot, there's a picture of her in front of me, and she is beautiful. Now there's two songs playing at the same time, and that is sort of bothering me. First of all because i like them both, second of all because it's hard to keep up with both of them. Earlier I mentioned that my laundry was bothering me, well that is really a trivial task. More precendent on my mind is making good grades in my classes. College is easy so far, however I haven't had any tests and just one quiz, in my Spanish class. I think i fared ok on that quiz, so I'm happy about that. However, I'm still very curious as to what I actually made. When i first got to Jester my allergies acted up really bad, due to the inordinate amount of dust in the room. After the first week I got acclimated to it, I guess, and now I'm doing just fine. I had an appointment at the SSB to get my allergy shots this afternoon, so I treked over there after I ate lunch. When i got there the lady informed me that she had double booked the nurse in charge of giving shots. She was paranoid that I would be mad at her, but of course I wasn't mad. It takes a lot to get me mad, and something like that is just a minor inconvenience to me. So I just went about my way. I am also happy that I got my computer problem resolved. Seether put on a great show at Ozzfest on Saturday. Their lead singer sounds a lot like Kurt Cobain, who was awesome. All of Seether's songs were really great, they impressed me. Chevelle put on a good show too, as did Lost Prophets. Wow, I find myself continually looking at the time above, to see how close I am to getting finished with this assignment. I'm really thirsty. Another thing that perplexes me is the experiments for this class. I suppose I'll try to sign up for something after I finish this typing assignment. I'm really kind of worried about getting all those experiments done and all that. I guess that worry stems from not knowing that much about the experiments. Lately my feet have started hurting a little bit, well, i guess it's not really a hurt , but more of a burn. Perhaps my soles are giving out. Wow, I'm almost finished, I have less than 15 seconds left. This was really kind of cool, the 20 minutes went by pretty fast, bye.

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It's Sunday and I need to go to church since I didn't go this morning because I woke up at 11:15 and church is at 11:30. So I already took a shower and I'm dressed to go at 8:00 p. m. Right now it's 7:25 and I wish it was about 4 because it seems like the day has just went by and I haven't done very much. That's alright though because I'm listening to my favorite rap music. Trick Daddy Dollars, Ja Rule, DMX, Ice Cube, Hot Boys, Juvenile, Black & Dangerous, K-ROC, Too Short, Twista, and JT Money they seem to make me feel better. Even if I'm feeling down in the dumps a few rap songs seem to bring me back to reality and happiness. Earlier my girlfriend called and we had a serious fight because she gave my roommate a little attitude yesterday when she called. She got mad because I was not here and my roommate didn't know my cell number or my friend's which is where I was at. So I had to lay down the law and tell her not to take out her anger on my roommate. I was mad also because I gave her my cell number the day before but she didn't write it down. So we argued for a while about that then she told me something that her and her friend did that I didn't approve of. So I was instantly angered because I have a short temper to begin with. It was a big deal really but I don't let anything go by even the smallest fuckups. So we started to have any even greater argument than the first one and didn't end on a good note. She decided that she didn't want to talk to me if we were going to argue. I acted like I didn't care so we just ended it there. This worries me because I hate to end it like that but I'm so hardheaded that I won't let anyone know that they're really hurting me. It also hard because I'm here and she's 355 miles away and I can't see her the way I use to. I guess I'm going to have to get use to this and college is a lot different from what I'm use to. The girls wooo some of them are pretty fine and all the people I've never seen so many people in one place at one time. Being from a small town this is a totally different atmosphere that I'm not used to. Hopefully I'll find my place here make the best of it and things will turn out great. I don't want to let college change me in the wrong ways. Whatever happens I'll just try to do my best and do the best I can as things come along.

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18

My side really hurts. I wonder if I have appendicitis or something. I wonder if I pulled something this morning in that dance class. That guy was so hot. And such an amazing dancer! I wish I could move like him. The way he was able to separate his joints and dance so flowing was so cool. I can't wait to see their performance this Friday. I also can't wait to see The Starting Line. Yay! I am going to fall in love with Kenny and he is going to fall in love with me. Oh crap, I need to find that confirmation number. I have a lot of work to do over these next few days. I hope tonight is fun, and worth the gas to get there. Whitney seems to be a real bitch sometimes, I still hope I get to room with her. I wonder if this Jessica girl is a lesbian. She sure is not the girl I thought she was, but I think I'll have fun with her in Tuscon. The Arizona Dance thing sounds like so much fun. It seems like everything is just falling into place. I'm not really nervous about the audition for UA, but I probably will be later on. God, what is this pain in my side? I wonder if I should see a doctor, or wait, I already am. I am so sick of commuting to school. Living on campus is going to be so nice. I need to send in my application soon. Its cool that I saw Adam today, and Michael yesterday. I still like Michael, damnit! I wonder if I'll ever get over him. Oh but I'm marrying Kenny so Ill just have to. I really need to start eating more healthy. If I want to have a long career as a dancer, I should be taking better care of my body. But I'm not in that bad of shape. I'm probably overreacting. The thunder outside reminds me of the time I was in this room, and there was a tornado outside. I miss those times of being young, I really miss Hawaii. I love Austin though. Now that I'm going to UT, I'm starting to realize how lucky I am to be going to school in such a cool place. I really hope I get into UA, or OCU, but I really hope UA. I know whatever happens, happens for a reason. I think going to UT this year was the perfect thing for me. I love it, and all the nice people I have met in dance, I feel right at home. I wonder if I'll want to leave. I shouldn't have eaten that nasty egg roll today, its probably what's making me feel sick. I hope I didn't offend Jessica in anyway. No, I'm just overreacting. I really miss Micheline. I wonder where she is, if she moved, why she hasn't returned my calls. She is so pretty, I wish I looked like her. I wonder what Patrick is up to these days, I want to hear the songs he wrote about me, but it would be hard to call him after all this time. I'm not going to be another guys girlfriend unless I actually, truly like him. Goddamn, didn't Ben teach me that lesson? I hate Ben. No I shouldn't say that, I loathe him. He disgusts me. Should I spend the night at Rachel's tonight? I can read Chapter 22 tomorrow at 11, and then I'll go buy the tickets. I think I could afford to sleepover at her place then tonight. God, this pain won't go away! What is it? Should I cut these bracelets off, they're starting to look a little scraggly. I can't wait to go swimming in that pool Saturday morning, that's the day of the concert! I am going to give my number to Kenny, no chickening out! He and I are meant to be, I just have to keep believing that. I kind of feel nauseous, its that pain in my side.

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Well, I am now officially writing my first college paper" more or less. It is really hot outside today. I wonder when it is going to cool of so I won't swear so bad when I walk to class. I think that I need to really concentrate on my homework and studies when I get them, instead of putting them off. It makes me feel like I am bogged down when I have a lot of stuff to do at once. It is actually really stressful. I kind of like this song that is on the radio. Busta Rhymes has not ever been my favorite rapper, but I think that this song is ok. Pharrell really makes this song what it is. Now come to think of it. I don't think that Busta Rhymes sang that song. oh well I guess that this assignment is for my thoughts and mistakes, so I won't correct my mistake. My chair is pretty comfortable. Hopefully I will do my homework in it when I am done with this writing assignment. The longhorns really kicked New Mexico State's butt. I think that Chance Mock (the quarterback) got to a ruff start, but he has waited for several years to get his chance to play as the Longhorn's Quarterback. Although Vincent Young came in towards the end of the game and did phenomenal, scoring 2 touchdowns on his own rush attempts, and throwing a great 60 yard pass, I believe that Mock should continue to start as QB because he has put in his time as scout team player. My, that was a really long sentence. I am tired of eating the food at the Jester Food Court. They have a big selection, but the selections never change at each station. I kinda miss my mom's home cooking. I can get over that. I was aware that there was a ton of students at this campus, but I guess that I didn't think that I would see so many people going to class everyday. I kind of feel like a minority in Austin. Coming from a small town in East Texas that is mostly white, black, and mexican, I am not used to seeing so many asian students. I am not against asian people at all, I just have never seen so many at one setting such as UT. The temperature in my dorm is not to my liking. I am a very hot natured person, and I prefer that it be cold in my room. Being all covered up under your blankets at night when it is cold is a great feeling. I dislike sweating when I sleep. I need to go to the gym today. I am getting out of my routine of working out each day. I need to get on a balanced routine between schoolwork and play. It is kind of hard to be disciplined once you don't have your parents to tell you what to do. The experience at UT is a good one though and I am not complaining. The only thing I dislike about it right now is that I still have yet to purchase all my schoolbooks. The Co-op did not have my MIS book today like that re-order said. Nothing is ever perfect. That is not a bad thing though. I hope that all of our writing assignments are this easy CZAR. This is an easy grade. There are so many fine girls here at UT. Everywhere you look you see a hottie. I love that. Some of them seem fake to me though, but I know that I shouldn't judge people. My phone is ringing and I am almost done. Alright I am done. Later.

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30

the end of this song is so weird. what was Andy on when he thought of it. now this song is pretty cool. it bumps. too bad my sax solo was gay. I think that funk is the coolest type of music. I can't believe that maceo parker is playing at antones. I am so there. I can't believe I remembered the number man, I wish I could get rid of my damn computer virus. what a pain. my knee hurts. I so stupid for busting it. I think that my dorm room has to be the coolest in jester. jeff is such a pimp. too bad he sounds kind of white. josh is the coolest though. he's just about the funkiest drummer I’ve ever played with. I don't know if I’m supposed to be pressing enter, but if I don't I start writing off of the screen. I think that I’m gonna like psychology. it's pretty interesting. I hope my stereo is bugging anybody. the concert tonight is gonna be cool. I just hope that I don't get killed. this song cracks me up. I gotta leave in 20 minutes. I better have a lot of sugar to keep me awake. I can't believe how tired I was last night. maybe I should have slept over at the girls place. I got to record my CD and send it to b. I’ve gotta find out when I need to take defensive driving. these pizza rolls are so good. man, jester food sucks. the only good thing is the cereal. salads are ok. the pizza is decent too. my new hat sucks. it's really uncomfortable. my brother is so whipped. me and my twin brother aren't really a lot alike. he is so disgusting when he's around his girlfriend. I guess that keyboarding class paid off. paid or paid. ly or lie. die or. . . well maybe not. what the hell am I talking about. this is a pretty crazy assignment. over half way done. it pisses me off when my posters fall off of my wall. CD’s over. what do I want now. how 'bout a little screaming headless torsos. they are the coolest. jo jo meyer is the most amazing drummer in the world. too bad I can't go to the first game. I still gotta get that sports package. some much to do, so little time. almost done now. my mind has gone blank. I’ve got to wash my clothes. if I don't do that tomorrow, I’m gonna smell all damn week. I’ve got to read a lot this weekend. this is boring. I’m sure who ever might read this cares very little about what I’m saying. oh well. looks like my time is up now. just gotta push the submit button. bye.

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14

I always knew college was about being on your own and being independent. Maybe I have been so busy that I didn't realize I was completely on my own until I got sick. Being sick is just one of those things I have never had to accomplish on my own. I always had my mom to take me to the doctor and even after I could drive, I still loved her company. I also knew that she would get me my medicine and make sure I was taken good care of. Being away from my mom and that comfort zone was not very easy when I became sick. It has definitely shown me that I depend on other people a lot, especially my mom. If there is one thing I am looking forward to about college, it is growing as a person. I hope to become more independent and prepare myself for the future years ahead. I always went away to camp during the summer and spent six weeks in Israel one summer but for some reason, being in college is a much different feeling. I want to be able to do things completely on my own without consulting others, like my parents. I think the greatest thing I need to conquer is decisionmaking. I have always been bad at making up my own mind without asking someone else if I am making the right decision. I hope being in college will teach me to make good decisions and become that independent person I want to become. Already being away from home has taught me so much about myself and how it feels to be distant from that comfort zone. Just like most things, I know it will only take time and patience.

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16

Psychologists. Always trying to understand how the mind works, and how it doesn't work in some cases. Can such things be understood, or are we merely deluding ourselves that knowledge of any kind can be attained? I guess I've always found psychology to be a very pretentious field. though an interesting one. We all want to control our lives, and anticipating the actions and desires of others helps us maintain that facade of control. Perhaps I'm getting into a more philosophical realm at the moment, but that is where my thoughts take me. Is free will merely an illusion? I've thought about this a lot. Unfortunately there are no definitive answers to this or other questions. Is there a god? I've never heard a logically sound argument for the existence of a god. I allow for the possibility of a deity, but it certainly wouldn't be the Christian God. I think ultimately that I have to agree with the existentialists. There is no proof for or against the existence of a god, so we should stop wasting time speculating and just deal with this life. Few people can deal with that. Our fear of death makes us create religions, so that we can pretend there is some semblance of life after our earthly bodies die. These are not new thoughts, I'm just thinking on demand; my mind moves most easily to the pathways it knows, and I present some of the more coherent ideas here. Is someone actually reading this? Do you understand that I am human? I am not an object. I am in a body, but I am not the body alone. I am a mind, vast and complex. I am. Do you feel superior because you can analyze minds? I ask you this, so that you can ask yourself. Do you enjoy treating people as objects? Do you even admit in your conscious mind that you treat people as objects? Perhaps not. It's possible that I'm being slightly unfair to you and your profession. Still, it is good to raise questions. We are all just a bit too complacent and easily controlled. I see the need for religion, but I think many of us are above that. I don't need to buy my morality from someone else. What moralists and philosophers do I respect? Plato, for his logic. Kierkegaard, except the theism. Kant, for his explications of metaphysics and epistemology. Nietzsche, except at the end of his days. LaVey, except for his dependence on rituals and his arrogance. Psychologists and behavioral scientists? I stay away from most. At some point I'll get back into it, but I was just too turned off by Freud and his pretentious assumptions. Other reading? Fiction, lots of it. I would name a few dozen authors but then why subject myself to the judgments of someone I can't even see. Music. I find music to be very important. You can't get by without music. And you can't just listen indiscriminately either. I think a real understanding of notes, rhythms, chords, and instrumentation is required before one can say anything about any kind of music. Do you understand music? How are you reacting to my questions? You must be used to asking the questions instead of having someone else ask them. Are you getting anything out of this? Is this more interesting than most responses to the same assignment, or do you even care? Are you turning to a colleague and saying "hey, this kid was actually making a futile attempt to understand my motives. " Fun with role reversals! I considered producing a surreal and rambling narrative for this assignment, but then you might have taken that a bit too seriously ("bob, we got another wacko here"). Ah well, time passes and other pursuits await. Goodbye for now.

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16

Today is September 11th. I was reading some articles on MSN. com about whether or not we should commemorate this. I had a class at 9:30--I wish I didn't have to wake up for this class. It seems like whenever I have to wake up for a class it drains me of energy. I'm glad that the only other class I have is in the afternoon today. Speaking of which I'm going home for the weekend--that makes me happy because I will get away from everything related to UT Austin. My roommate was in the room, he just left. I am writing on my laptop--it's very hard to use this keyboard. I am tired right now. I don't know what to do. I have calculus homework to do. I feel like it has been looming over my head. I can't wait to go to home. I feel more comfortable here at UT now. I think I'm getting along with everyone. I don't feel stressed out anymore. I feel like there is nothing to be bummed out about. I will find what I like to do here. I might join the badminton club. That sounds like fun because I used to play badminton and now I don't anymore. I don't play it anymore because I don't feel like it. Being at UT is a lot of walking, I'm tired cause of it. I think a lot of my thoughts are being filtered when I'm typing. I am Indian. My parents are from India. They are very nice people and they are at home. Sometimes I feel like they miss me and I miss them. I am going back to see them. I am getting tired of typing on the keyboard. I think I am a smart person. I wonder if other people think I try to act smart. I don't really care if they do. I'm just being myself. I get along with others. I don't think I will be completely satisfied in life thinking I have to be something when I grow up. I should just stay happy as I am right now. I think that would be a good life plan. Just take it easy. That's what I'm doing right now. My computer is a Dell and it's a laptop--with a small keyboard. I got it new. My roommate just came in. He is doing the laundry. I feel like he feels that he has a lot to do. It seems to me he likes to work. I am going to keep my life simple here at college. I won't expect myself to be a superhero. I think waking up for class is good because then the day doesn't go by. In college you have a lot of free-time. I think I spend too much time studying ineffectively. I should set good goals and then spend time making friends. I am very happy right now. I feel kind of just like sitting here and not getting up. I have to get up to get the trash. Whenever I do work, I think of doing it in sequences. Sometimes I act smart. It's okay--I like to make intellectual jokes a lot. My parents used to take the trash from my room when I was young. They did a lot of things for me. Now I have to do a lot of things on my own. That's okay--we're almost out of milk. I'm going to get paper plates and paper cups so I can just throw them away after using it. I'm getting hungry. My roommate is eating Spaghetti from downstairs. That tastes good. Am I being artificial? Am I talking as if I want people to hear what exactly I'm saying. I don't now. bye

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6

Okay. . now what? I thought I new what to write about, but not too sure anymore. I am doing this right now instead of studying because I forgot my books at home to study from. I am really trying hard not to waste time time semester, so it upset me a little when I forgot my book. My feet are cold right now. I should of worn tennis shoes. I want to work out later, but I think I should study to get on top of things. I need to get caught up at least, if not ahead. I am going to Miami with my sister in three weeks and have two exams the next two days I get back. It would be really really nice not to have to worry about school when I am on vacation. I didn't really have much of a vacation this summer. I had a good internship with Boeing Aerospace Support Center in San Antonio. I have a returning offer next summer, but don't know if I really want to take it. I guess I should because it is a good opportunity and can have big rewards when I graduate. I need to talk to my counslor about my degree plan. I just changed my major from Engineering Route to Business to Finance. I still don't know if this new major is right for me, but it seems like the one that fits the best right now. Speaking of Finance, I have Finance homework to do tonight. My stomache is growling right now. I don't know if I should get a little bite to eat right now before my 3:30 class, or if I should wait until I get home and not spend any money. It's hard to see that distinction with me because I do not work for my money (my parents have always helped me out) and therefore I think that deep down I don't know the real value. Sure I have had jobs, but it was never for survival, just for extra cash or for the experience. Thinking back, I have had several jobs, ranging from Pizza girl, to lifeguard, to clerk, etc. I really don't know why I started working so early. I started my first job when I was 15. It almost seems not right because my parents always supported me, they didn't even want me to work! None of my jobs, however, lasted very long. I think that was due to my schedule when I was younger. I was so involved in sports. Sports, sports, sports. Sometimes I wonder what would have happended if I would have pursued soccer. I could have played in college. One thing is for sure, I would definitely be physically fit like I used to be. Now I struggle to keep my weight down, not that I am overweight, but it is just not easy like it used to be. I used to eat everything and anything, junkfood that is. I never ate healthy food when I was younger and that is one of my problems now. If I like salad and vegetables, I would eat them all the time because they are healthy. But I love bad food too much. Like pizza, hotdogs, and fries!! Okay, maybe I will get a little bit to eat after this. Nine minutes left and now my fingers are freezing. This used to happen to me when I am was at work, typing alot. I guess the blood doesn't circulate too much to the tips of your hands when you are typing. Maybe I am just making that up. I wonder if I should have tried to add drop before it was too late. I think I like my Tues/Thursday schedule because I get out at 11, even if I have to start at 8am. Early classes aren't so bad as long as you get a good nights rest. Which I didn't do last night. I stayed up late because I knew I didn't have to wake up until 10. My first class today is at 12:30, then my next one is at 3:30, that's Psychology. I guess it's a tradeoff. I have late classes on Monday and Wednesday, but that leaves my Fridays free. Hopefully on Fridays I can get alot of stuff done that I didn't get to during the week. I can't imagine how this semester is going to play out. Being an officer in a huge organization on campus has its work cut out for you. I figured that yesterday I spent at least four hours working on HBSA stuff (Hispanic Business Student Association). I guess that sounds about right. Nine officers trying to run an organization that almost 200 memebers take part in. When I was running for my position last spring, I was thinking that maybe I could run and be President my Senior year. Now I am not too sure I would want to pursue that. I think I would like to take it easy. Just concentrate on school and not worry about the hustle and bustle of everyday life. (The words in the quotes is the name of a painting that I learned about in a class that I had with my boyfriend this last semester. ) Those were fun times. Going to class with him and going home after that. I wish he was here again, but he had to go start his life in the real world, which did not include Austin. Austin. . . . . . . . that is where my life is now. I can't imagine going and living in San Antonio again. Mayb ethat is why

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31

So. I am overwhelmed. I wouldn't say that I'm completely overwhelmed and feel like crying, but I feel a little stressed out. I am not used to all this studying and it's proving to be a little harder than I thought. So much reading. It seems like it will never end. I feel like I will never be caught up. I have to read so many pages for all of my classes except math. I was worried about math but so far, it's my easiest class. Well, I guess it's good that it's not hard too. My classes aren't really difficult but there is just so much reading. I'm scared about the first test that I will take. I'm afraid that I'm going to make a really bad grade and maybe even fail it. I would be devestated. So, I'm trying to study a lot. It feels like I am studying a lot but I guess I won't know if it's all sufficient until that first test. Man, this is going pretty slow. It's only been three and a half minutes. Only 17 more to go. Well, this is the easiest writings that I've had to do so far. Just write exactly what is going through my head. Can't be that hard. Me and my roommate had our first disagreement last night. I promised her that I wouldn't smoke a cigarette at this party and then she caught me taking a drag. I felt really bad about lying to her. Yeah, I was drunk but it was still wrong. So, this morning I told her that I was really sorry and blah blah blah. She said that it was cool and everything but I don't want it to change our friendship. I still want her to be able to trust me. I know that it's just a stupid little fight but it really scares me that she might never trust me like she used to. I guess that it will all work out for the best. I love Austin so much. It's an awesome place to be. There are so many good places to eat and shop and just look at. My home town only has about 1000 people in it. So Austin is a good change for me. But I do miss my parents and my bed and my shower. Man, these beds in Jester suck. I wake up and I'm sore. So, I hurt my ankle pretty bad about a week ago. We're suing the 7-11 that I tripped at because they handled the situation really badly and treated me very rudly. My roommate, Dana, was awesome throughout it all. I really couldn't have done it without her. I'm glad that we don't hate eachother. But I hope that I get some money from the 7-11. It would be nice to be able to pay for an apartment next year with out having to get my parents to pay for it. They have 3 kids in college at the same time so it's going to be a tough year for them, financially. Dana treats guys really weird. I would say, wrong, but it's just different than I treat guys. She's so wishy washy and is like cheating on all of her boyfriends. It kind of bothers me but if that's the way she is, I can't try and change her or preach to her about how I think she should be acting. Man, if my other papers were this easy to write, I would have so much more time on my hands. I'm only taking 12 hours, so I feel like a slacker. The thing is that if I were taking any more, I think I might cry a lot more. When will the reading ever end?!?!?! Only 8 more minutes to go. Wow, this is easy. Our dorm room used to be freezing cold but I taped some paper over the vent which made it a lot better. It's pretty ghetto looking, but it works. I haven't been able to exercise for a long time. I have to wait until my ankle is better. I can't even wear tennis shoes yet! Man, I feel so lazy and fat when I don't work out. Exercising makes me feel good! Damn that 7-11! And I bought a Texercise pass too! I'm losing some money there. I have handicap parking but it runs out on Wednesday. It's been really handy! Bont, that's a word that my ex-boyfriend made up when he was in 7th grade. I've tought it to a lot of people here and everybody loves to say it. It makes me so happy when I hear my new UT friends say it because it reminds me of the good things about home. And it reminds me of Matt too. So, I love to hear a good ole' bont every once in a while. The girls next door are really loud sometimes and I don't think that they like me. They've been really bitchy so far and that bums me out because I like to get along with everybody. There is this guy a few doors down from me and he's really cool. We like the same music and movies and all that good stuff. He's kind of crazy though. But I like crazy sometimes. Aren't we all a little crazy? But he's not that attractive, he's kind of a big guy. But, I've seen pictures of him when he was in high school and he was really cute. It bothers me that this bothers me. I'm not the type of person who judges others, especially by the way they look. It's not even like I'm judging him. I just think that we get along really well but I would probably never date him and it bothers me to think that I'm that vain. But I'm really just rambling and none of this makes sense very much. I know how I'm feeling, but when I try to write it, it doesn't come out right. Oh well. At least I know what I feel. Or at least, I think I know.

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Right now i am simply writing and not feeling anything in particular. I am somewhat upset right now though because my throat is hurting, and this is due to the fact that i have started smoking a lot more than usual. I am a pretty sensitive person so i think that is why it hurts. who knows. I also am feeling a little unmotivated at the moment and i can't figure out why. This is the time in life when i am supposed to be super juiced to go out and get what i want, to grab life by the horns so to speak. This is not happening though, and it is kind of scary. Throughout my life i have been pretty much handed everything i have either through the mediocrity of others or through my own natural abilities, or a combination of both. It scares me to think that i have never applied myself fully to anything that i have ever done, and have still managed a somewhat successful, although underachieving, life. It makes me wonder a few things though about myself and what i have in store for the rest of my life. I don't know if i actually know how to apply myself fully to something, and if i do will i actually be able to stop and apply it to something else. This not only applies to me with work and school but also with personal relationships. Up to this point I have many friends, but very few whom i can actually call close friends. They are just there because of attrition or because i was what some people might call popular in high school. I wasn't popular because of my stunning personality though, but more of what i was; a basketball player, an intelligent person, and somewhat goodlooking. When i got to college and found that there are hundreds if not thousands of people like this i found out that i am not at all who i thought. I don't really know who i am and who im not, and i am kind of scared to try to find out. When i finally decide what i am will i like it? Will anyone else like me? Will it make me happy or will i learn to hate myself because i disdain the person that i actually am. They say that you can be whoever you want but this is not true. You can TRY to be whoever you want but for some reason you cannot always be this way because there is something deep down inside of you that knows better. If i try to be a suave cool underpressure type guy, but fall down a lot, it doesn't really fit. I can want to be that way so badly, but it may never come true. If I accept that fact that i am a goofy dork will I like what that will get me. I am going out on a limb here and saying that women aren't exactly falling all over themselves for goofy dorks. At least not ones that i have met just yet. Perhaps this is just society pulling on me, and i should just accept whatever i am. The true question how do you find out who you are? I want to know so bad that it hurts, but there is not equation to find out. You just have to go out there and do it, and I am too scared to do it. I don't want to end up like the rest of my family, just sitting around waiting, feeling sorry for myself. I feel so much safer and better though when i just stay within myself and don't wander out of my comfort zone. My guess is when you do the wandering is when you find out who you really are. I don't see the oppurtunities yet. I am still waiting and wondering, hoping. I guess if i knew how to talk to people better than it would be easier to find out who i am. When i talk to people though its like they want to get away from me as fast as they can. They look down on me and they don't even know me. I don't understand why this is, but i am afraid that it is because of who i am . I think i am doomed to always be this way, and it scares me. I don't want to be this way. I am too needy for random people to want to be my acquantance, friend, what have you. I expect too much too fast and it scares people fast. People accepted it in the past because they wanted to be my friend because of who i was, but alas now that is not the case. So now im stuck, clutching onto the past like a has been with no real hope of ever stretching out and completing myself. Then i will be like the rest

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Well, lets see, what am I thinking. All I ever really have time to think about is school. I am so stressed out, since I changed to pre-pharm my courses have completely changed, I'm reading for hours each day and I'm not a big reader", I read very slow, and I have absolutely no reading comprehension what so ever. To top it all off I have three tests on the same day, this one is two days before that and I have another one the thursday before that. Talk about brain overload. One thing that's good is that a lot of the science stuff I'm reading in all 3 classes and some of it I'm finding in my psych readings too. It's all just overwhelming. This week I have to do all this lil sis stuff for my sorority. I was supposed to decorate her room yesterday but I had class from 12-5 so she was home when I was done with class, so I'll be doing that later and I have to buy all this stuff for it too, I don't have a job, I don't make money, and I don't feel like I should ask my parents for more. The big money problem started with my boyfriend, he owes me $700, that's a lot of money I could really use. I could maybe go and do something for myself, go out to eat occasionally, go rent a movie once and a while but no, I have all this other crap I have to pay for like bills and he can't understand that. He is not in school, he should a job, why to I have to loan him money, well no more-EVER. Well at least not until I get my money back. To top it all off he messed up something with probation and now he is in jail, I don't a boyfriend who's in jail, I want someone with my same goals in mind, someone in school, someone who cares about where they'll be in 5-10 years. But it's so hard because I love him, or at least I think it's love, it has to be or else I wouldn't put up with all his crap. It's not just all that, I'm somewhat of a neat freak and I like things to be clean and keep things the way I have them but everytime he does something that upsets me and not just that, it's stuff I've asked to either do or not do hundreds of times and he somehow thinks that he can get mad because I'm mad at him, well if would listen to me and try to clean up after himself and common courtesy things like that I would even get upset. Now he keeps saying are things going to ok when I get out blah, blah, blah. I don't know if things don't think at least somewhat better than I can't put myself through this anymore, the stress he causes is probably close to or equal to what I get from school, I don't need that-school is a big enough pain in my side. I should probably end it, I know I won't cry-I'll miss him but I've already cried enough for him. You know the saying-the only guy worth crying for will never make you cry. I don't know we'll just have to see what things are like. One good thing that came from him is my kitty, Bailey. One of his friends couldn't keep her so I took her. She is the cutest most mischievous thing ever. I feel so bad though, she got spayed and declawed on monday. She is doing better she is walking almost completely back to normal, not really limping anymore but I still feel bad, I didn't do it to hurt her but I know sometimes she is in pain. That was pretty costly too, she is an expensive little thing but hopefully that'll be the last big thing I have to do for her. She is about 6 months but she is still relatively small, I'm hoping she will be a petite kitty and not get too big. The world's biggest cat weighed 87 pounds, I can't believe that some girls at school probably weigh around that size. I just think that's incredible. Wow, my hands are starting to hurt from typing, good thing this is almost over, and done.

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I'M REALLY FULL RIGHT NOW BECAUSE I ATE A LOT OF FOOD TONIGHT. I AS GOING TO GO OUT TO DINNER WITH OTHER FRIENDS, BUT JUST DECIDED NOT TO GO. TE REASON IS THAT IDID'T WANT TO BOTHER THEM. They are all guys, and I didn't want to be the only girl. Anyway, I found out later that there were some other girls coming, but I just eating at that time already. A guy I like went there, too. I was going to go there because of him, but just didn't want to make it obvious taht I wanted to be with him. I am worried that he may not like me, but I'm pretty positive that he at least is interested in me. I was very worried in the biginning, though, because I wanted everything to happen so fast. All my friends advised me not to be that way since the most stable relationship is usually formed after a long time of being together. I guess I'm too impatient and too negative. I envy a lot of people who are positiv and self-confident. They are very proud of who they atr and not afraid of doing anything they want to do. I want to be that way. Sometimes I'm just too scary to start doing anything. However, what is really strange is that I am self-confident. I am usually a leader among my classmates and always think I will do good at most of things. I think I'm not confident of love. Especially, whenever I have somebody I like, I never consider myself worthy for him. Usually, I will think he won't think I'm pretty and so on. All these negative images are pictured in my brain. I do that because I don't want to be so positive, What if I think of all these good things, and they never happen? What if something bad happens? What if he says he doesn't like me? It's much better to think of worse and let good things happen. However, sad thoughts make me really depressed often. I become so biased that I won't see what really is going on. I'd like to be so wise. I don't want to be biased or anything. I guess in order to be wise, I need to read as many books as I can. Also, I think I need more experience. Experience makes one mature and smart. When I was young, I didn't understand why people call the old the wise. However, as I grow, I realized so many things that I now started to understand. The longer I live, the more I see, hear, and think. I am so grateful that I'm still alive and anxious to learn more about the world. There are so many things I don't know, and that fact just makes me go on. I love learning, and sometimes, I get frustrated becuase I feel like there's not enough time for me to know all these things. It's just wonderful to see the world and all there different things within. Different cultures, people, languages,and all these other things are very fascinating. I wonder how and when I will be able to experience everything! It is my dream to travel aroungd the world. I would love to travel and learn many things. I wonder I will be able to get a job and still traveil while working. I hope that can happen. Maybe, I can travel during vacations, but that sounds not enought for me. I will like to travel several times a year. I really think ther's not enough time to see and learn. This is why I try to do more things everyday, but now I'm getting too lazy. College life is exciting, but also make

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18

Urg! There is sand in my sandal. It's been there for a while now. It was so annoying that I had to take my shoes off while I was driving home from my horrendously long art class today. I had to wait for half an hour for that stupid bus. It was at least 6:45 by the time I reached my stop. You'd think that rush hour would be over by then. It wasn't. I sat in traffic from Enfield all the way out past the Y at 290. That is just insane. I was stuck behind a maroon jeep cherokee with a Gore/Liberman bumpersticker on it for most of the way. But that guy exited when I got to the 290/Mopac split. Then I was confused as a white Rav 4 started diving through lanes into spaces too absurd to drive in. It was quite odd and annoying all at the same time. Then I was almost cut off by a stupid woman in a red mini-van and her punk looking son. I'll just say this: I was ready for this day to end at about 2:00 this afternoon. Now it's getting cold in here. My dad's office is always cold. Of course, his computer is always on. It's a giant that's hardly ever used. Shame really. So my feet are starting to get quite chilly. More of the usual discomfort. The smell in here is rather interesting. It smells like candy. Cherry candy to be precise. For a moment I thought my boyfriend might be eating some of the lollypops my dad always has on his desk. He wasn't though. Odd. It's really not that usual for an automotive shop office to be smelling like candy. There are too many boxes at my feet. It's hard to get comfortable with all of them at my feet. I keep mentioning my feet. Why is that? They're uncomfortable, that could be one reason. I feel bad because I have been sort of brusque with my boyfriend. Here he is, come all the way from across town just to see me and I can't even spare him five minutes before I launch into my homework. I think I'll give him a hug now. Just a minute. I think he appreciated that. It was a necessary break in my stream of consciousness. He gives so much of his time to me, the least I can do is give him some back in return. Sometimes I wonder why he is so loyal. I tend to rush past him when I'm doing something or I overlook him when he wants my attention. He really dosen't deserve that. He's such a nice person. I always tell him that I'm a mean person and that he would be better off with someone prettier and nicer. He just smiles and hugs me and tells me there is no one better. I have my doubts, but I really don't think I'd give him up if someone better were to come along. I'd fight to the death to keep him. That's how much I love him. I'm a very jealous person. I'm stingy with my boyfriend and I'm stingy with my friends. I don't like anyone being around him (mostly females) if I'm not there too. I know I shouldn't be so difficult, but it's not really something I have any conscious control over. I don't like my sister being around my friends either. I hate sharing friends with her. She's younger than I am and she has her own friends to hang out with. I don't bother her friends, why should she bother mine? I'm beginning to wonder if my boyfriend brought his laundry over for me to wash it. I've been needing to do laundry for a while now. There's charcoal stains all over my shorts, and I've run out of spiffy t- shirts to wear, so it's off to the wash. I don't know whether or not I'll have time to do it all tomorrow as I had hoped. I also need to pay a visit to my old high school tomorrow. I've promised my friend Katy I would visit. There's really only three teachers I want to see: Mr. Meitz (physics), Mrs. Hebert (English, Creative Writing), and Mr. Dennis (Newspaper). The trinity of great teachers. And with all great figures there has to be a devil . Mine is Mr. Austin, my art teacher for three years. I looked up to him as a mentor and he turned his back on me at the end of my senior year. I was crushed. Still I wonder if my boyfriend brought his laundry over. He's really not the most hygenic person in the whole world. I've had friends tell me that he's lucky to have me because he's too disgusting to date other women. I don't have a problem with him. Sure he tends to go three or four days between showering, three or four weeks between laundry cleanings, and three of four months between room organizing, but I love him anyways. And besides, I've been know to go a day or two or three between showers. All this talking about him makes me want to hug him again. I think I will. Once again, just a moment. okay, I'm done. I keep hearing the sound of a little red desiel Isuzu outside. There are no windows in here, so I really can't see. Very strange indeed. My hands are starting to cramp. My wrists are aching and my fingertips are numb. It's a leathal combination of the extremely powerful air conditioner and all this typing. My hands are starting to look cold too. When my hands are cold they get a little paler. Even a little yellow. Did I mention that my neck hurts too? It does. My butt is doing nicely, though. Must be this comfy chair. My dad bought it at the Bombay Company for his birthday. It's really nice. Sometimes I wonder if I have a brain tumor. There are times when I forget simple things, or I get simple things confused. I really hope I don't have one. I'm planning to spend the rest of my life with my boyfriend. I suppose I should really call him my fiancee. Yes, that works. We're going to be married on February 5, 2006. It's going to be marvelous. We're going to have platinum puzzle rings made for our wedding bands. Why puzzle rings? Because we exchanged our own special puzzle rings as marks of our engagements. I don't know if I would call it official or not. We haven't formally announced it to our parents. Mine already know I'm not leaving him. I half think my mother wishes I would. My dad likes him, though. That's always a good sign. There is a gigantic printer seated on the desk beside me. It's a monstrous beast of a machine. It's actually a printer, fax, copier, scanner all in one. Great piece of machinery, really. I don't want to do the dishes that are waiting down at the house. I had a long day filled with the joys of muenstral cramps, and I'm really not up to the task. I hope someone does them before I finish all this. I have five younger sisters, three of which are at the dishwashing age. You'd think one of them would do them. Still, I have an ominous feeling that I will be burdened with the chore as I am burdened with so many other things. Sometimes I can't stand my family. Fortunately, my step-mother is no longer part of that life. I should really be calling her what she now is: my father's ex-wife. That fits so much better. I'm just glad she's gone. Life would be much more hectic with her still here. She's a bi-polar wrech who refuses to take her pills. Did I mention that she cheated on my father when they were married? One more reason for me to despise her. I despise any person who cheats on their spouse or partner or whatever you want to call the person you are in some way or another bonded to. It may not be a happy bond, but theres nothing that excuses cheating in my eyes. I will never cheat on my fiancee and I hope to God that he never cheats on me. I would be crushed. I've been watching that timer like a hawk since I started. I'm so tired of typing that it hurts. Literally. But with a minute and a half left, I must press on. Ha! It's a pun and I didn't even realize it! I'm so clever. Some would argue that point, but I still think I have my shining moments. Everybody needs their shining moments. Without shining moments, we're just dull. Afterall, what's the opposite of shiny? Dull. I never want to be dull. I'm certain that people already find me dull, but as long as I don't know about it, it's all good. I just hope they never say it to my face. That would make me either sad or mad. I guess it depends on the weather that day. But people who know me don't think I'm dull. At least I hope not. I just don't like waiting all afternoon for a bus that takes thirty minutes to run. And you can quote me on that one. So there. Yep.

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I can't stand how removed the users are from the control of the system. With internet explorer I can't even get it to work with trumpet Winsock, so if I want to use IE then I have to go down to the computer center and pay them a bunch of money for the UT connect system when I already have trumpet Winsock that has always worked fine in the past. now with Netscape I keep having a completely different problem, there are several times that I go to web pages that I know are there and they aren't for example I tried to go to the pretesting WebPages and I soon as I sent my social security number out over the web, which I'm not especially happy about having to do, it tells me that the document has no data. The same thing has happened before when I try to log on to the Columbia house website. I consider myself a pretty smart person, but I cannot figure out at all what the hell is going on with this stupid then. I know I have to go down to campus and use a computer down there for 45 minutes to do the pretesting. and why the hell is it when you connect to UT and go on the web the connecting is so freaking slow. I swear UT must have some really outdated equipment down there because my download speeds never get over 1 K. that's ridiculous. but this is the way at UT. When you go to a school with 50000 students everything takes a little longer and your chances of having to deal with an idiot are raised considerably. I think I have an especially low tolerance for stupid people. Uneducated is different but there seem to be a lot of people out that that are truly student I think, and they frustrate the hell out of me. It's not that I'm a genius of something, but there are some real idiots out there. There is this girl in my engineering economics class that sits up in the front and will ask questions that make no freaking sense at all. How in the hell does someone get to be an upper division engineering major and be so stupid. obviously it happens through, although most of the really stupid people that I have to deal with come from working at Wal-Mart. I guess that's my own fault, it's not like I should expect anything else. When I was a CSM we would have some cashiers that I have not idea at all how they got hired. I think personnel hires anyone with a pulse sometimes, I mean if the person sitting across the table from you just has this completely blank look on their face, that's a good sign that you shouldn't hire them. Another thing that bugs me are all the stupid laws regarding alcohol in this country. I mean either it should be legal or it should, but alcohol seems to be the only think that is legal to some of the adults and only part of the time. I mean were are talking about adults, some of them may not be especially bright but they still are adults. if 18 is good enough for every thing else then it should be good enough for alcohol. you can get married, go to jail, go to war, own property, get a gun, hell anything that any other adult does except drink. seems pretty backwards to me. something else that is freaking stupid and at the very least unfair is the way that car insurance companies can completely screw over guys. when a girl turns 21 she gets a good rate, but a guy has to wait until he is 25, hello but most of the really awful drivers that I have ever been around are women, they are the ones that pay no attention at all to what is going on around them. but since older people control the laws etceteras the younger people are going to continue to get screwed over, I think they should make people over 60 pay the same rates as 18 year olds, that would be funny. oh well out of time, it's been real

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17

I'm cold right now. I should get a blanket. I miss my boyfriend. I wonder if he's at work right now. It's 11:28 there. Someone's being loud in the hall. Maybe it's those weird girls that Melissa and I had to look at last night. They wouldn't stop chittering! And it was almost 3 o'clock in the morning! I had to wake up this morning at 7, but I didn't get up until 7:33. I hate waking up early. My eyes are all sleepy, and I couldn't keep them open in Spanish! I love my Spanish class. Prof. Montiel is quite interesting. Oooh! The 2nd season of Friends is coming out soon. I should get that. But I like Prof. Montiel. I like his accent. This morning he told us that we (8:00 class) are going to adopt a poor hispanic family in December for Christmas. What a good idea. I need to go and find a service organization to join. I think a sorority would be fun, too, but I don't feel like paying for my friends. My friend Heather took out a loan for her sorority at A&M. Silly girl. But it's typical of her. Yesterday was my birthday. I don't like being at school for birthdays, I've decided. You don't get as much attention here as at home. I felt kind of lost, in fact. My roomie brought me flowers, though. And mom sent 50 million presents. But it's not the same as being there. I don't want to go home, though. I like being away from home. I just miss my cat, though. I like having something warm and furry to come interrupt my homework. He's so cute! I also miss my dad. Poor dad. Mom's going to drive him crazy. Dad told me that he's going to start kayaking more often. Mom needs to get out more. All she does is sit at home, read, and worry about me. Definitely a disadvantage to be an only child. But I did have a pretty good child hood. I had enough friends. Too many, sometimes. I really like that Lucien character on Amelie. He reminds me of Joey. Only, Joey's not mentally ill. I would hate to have to wake up as early as Joey does every day. Four-thirty in the morning is insane! Silly Marines. what do they possibly get done that early in the morning? Don't they realize that the majority of their troops are ages 18-25? I've heard that people in that age group, and then teenagers as well, are prone to stay up late at night and sleep late in the morning. Makes sense to me. I would do it every day if I could. I like staying up late (when I have the energy). For some reason I feel like I can get more done at night. Like cleaning/organizing my room, for example. Why would I want to do that at night when I'm just as capable of doing it in the morning? That doesn't make any sense. I need to change the song on the stereo. I'm not in a very UB40 place. Righteous Brothers are good. But this song reminds me of Joey again. I hope that the Marine Corp. Birthday Ball goes well in November. I'm really nervous. What should I wear? Good grief, I never thought that I'd type that kind of question. How flaky. But I am still wondering what to wear. Would a gown work? And what color? This isn't like a school dance or anything. This is a real thing, where Marines and their wives/girlfriends are there. Older people, I mean. I always feel so much younger on the base than everyone else. I feel like they're all wondering, what is she doing with him? or she's way too young to be here. My hands are beginnning to ache. I keep backspacing my mistakes. Perfectionist. That's me. I wonder if I really am one. Maybe not. I wonder where Melissa is. I should look at her schedule. if I can find it, I mean. My feet are cold. How do I keep that from happening? And why is it that men's feet don't get cold as often as women's? Is it some sort of evolutionary thing? Or just another one of those differences? I miss my friends. Maybe not all of them---they're kind of flaky. But I miss Brandon and Lauren. And Mary. I couldn't believe that she didn't even call me yesterday. My mom told me that she has a present for me, but just didn't have my address. Whatever. She could still call me and wish me happy birthday or something. I don't get it. Sometimes I feel like she's the best friend ever. But then other times (*most times) I feel like I'm being left behind again. Why do I get left out? I think I'd like me if I were someone else. Even when I'm with Brandon, or Lauren, when we're in a group, I'm not the popular one. I really wouldn't mind being that person for a change.

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24

Ok, writing. I started this a few minutes ago but apparently in Mozilla Firefox the timer doesn't work. Sorry if I end up submitting two essays. Right now I'm kind of hungry. My stomach is growling, I haven't eaten since seven-thirty this morning. I didn't use to eat breakfast, but now I do. One minute down. I feel pressured, like I have to continue hitting keys or I'm not doing as well as I should on this writing assignment. Which is strange because all I have to do is write something, anything, and I get credit for it. Is it cheating if I use the backspace key to edit my mistakes? There are quite a few of them. I probably would type better and therefore faster if I slowed down, which is paradoxical but true. I am also sleepy. Maybe I will take a nap, except I have to study. Hooray. That's a thing about college that is hard to get used to - setting oneself to a schedule and keeping to it, studying and going to classes on time without being told what to do. I'm thinking about psychology and the hypothalamus, which is what we learned about yesterday. The description of the rat kind of makes me wish I was a rat whose hypothalamus was being zapped. Seems kind of nice, although dying of starvation doesn't sound pleasant. Maybe in this case it does. I wonder what it's like. Maybe conscious though takes a backseat to simple feelings of pleasure, like humans feel sometimes, in the throes of ecstasy (religious, sexual, or chemical). Maybe the human brain has a natural resistance to feeling too much for too long in order to protect itself from things like dying of pleasure. Quite a way to go. I am running out of things to write about and it's only been 5:30 minutes. My mind is becoming a blank. Perhaps I can shove something in there. Nope. Rub a dub dub, three men in a tub. I'm regressing back to childhood, oh no! Forced constant thinking seems to have brought me back to my childhood, which is not what I would have expected. If you think about it, that nursery rhyme is kind of suggestive. I wonder why I keep bringing up images and thoughts from when I was young? Perhaps those, being learned first, form the basis of the psyche and are therefore more intrinsic to the mind than say, what I learned yesterday or what I see on MTV. MTV. I do not like that channel at all. I do not like it in a boat, I do not like it with a goat. I do not like it, Sam I Am, I do not like Music Television. The channel that proclaims to be that of rebels and anti-culturalists, but is really the mainstream mass-produced mass-consumed product that everyone thinks it is rebelling against. At least they encourage people to vote. That's a positive message coming from a negative source. I guess no one or nothing is truly evil. Well, nine minutes gone. I'm feeling stretched, like butter spread over too much bread, as Bilbo put it. Like everything in my mind has already come out and I'm squeezing a juicebox trying to suck the dregs of thought through that straw. Of course, with a juicebox you can never quite get out all the liquid, and I suppose it's the same with the mind. One thing I never understood about the mind is how one gets from neurons firing and connecting with each other to actual consciousness. In the textbook it seems like a step is skipped. An analogy can be made (and has been, I assume) between the mind and the computer. One could say, well, magnetic information doesn't seem at first glance to represent data and images and text. But the former is converted into the latter by programs, which themselves run on magnetic data. Where are the programs in the mind? It's hard to believe that the human mind just coincidentally has the neurons in all the right patterns to be able to form speech and thought and movement. Where is the software? I'm just rambling now. Although that's the purpose of this paper, isn't it? Ha ha. I tried to read the book House of Leaves, I was told it was brilliant, but you know what? It, for lack of a better and more descriptive and more culturally acceptable word, sucks. It's written in a nonfiction style, but the endless footnotes serve only to distract from character development and this won't make much sense to whoever is reading this if they haven't read it. Speaking of which, Hello, whoever is reading this! I hope you're having a wonderful day. Although reading hundreds of stream of consciousness papers is not my idea of a wonderful day. Still, someone's got to do it, right? Someone's got to do all the dirty jobs in the world, until they design an automated way to do it. Then the worker loses their job. Which is better, I wonder-- working at a terrible job, or being replaced from that terrible job and not working at all? Some day, hopefully, we will have robots to do all our terrible jobs for us. We will become like Asimov's Solaria - thousands of robots to maintain a small human population. Eventually it will go to extremes -- millions of robots to one human. Or maybe not. What will be the point of civilization then? What is the point of it now? To keep people happy? Great job so far, I must say. Nowadays people think that what they need to be happy is chemicals. More and more chemicals, pills, etc. to cure the imbalances in their head. They should take a cue from computer repair people -- the problem is just as often in the software as in the hardware! Biological psychology will go a great deal in explaining human behavior, but it can only go so far. People who have no imbalance in their minds but still do terrible things or get depressed - what do we do with them? Eighteen minutes, fifteen seconds have passed. Quite a while to be writing. You know, a second never seems so long as when you want it to be short. I love time's relativity, even though this isn't really an application of it. If only there was a way to have time speed up or slow down if we wanted it to -- now there would be a best-selling invention. It all deals with people's perception anyway -- I bet there is a way, somewhere. Although messing with brains like that probably isn't a good idea. Speaking of good ideas, my time is just about up. It's been a pleasure.

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31

Well, I suppose since this is a stream of consciousness exercise I will just say whatever is on my mind, which at the moment happens to be how incredibly horrible this past weekend was. But, let's back up and get the basics down. For graduation, my grandparents promised to buy me a new computer. New, being the operative word. So they told me to go find one that I liked and tell them where it was. My mother and I went out and looked at computers and found a nice setup that included a printer for about $1500. We thought that sounded reasonable, so we informed my grandparents of the computer's location and they said it sounded good. HOWEVER, they went to see my Uncle's family in Dallas for my cousin's birthday and decided to go a cheaper route and not buy a namebrand computer. So I ended up with this piece of crap that keeps shutting down on me. My Dad has been freaking out for the past two weeks how he knew all along we should have gotten a different computer in the first place and how my grandparents always go the cheaper route even when it means less quality and now my entire college career is jeopardized because I cannot get online. So I spent Saturday messing with my computer, trying to reinstall stuff to see if it was a software problem. It wasn't. My Uncle drove in from Dallas on Sunday and took Windows off, reinstalled it, deleted my C drive (which is a big deal), then created a new one and repartitioned it, Everything SEEMED to work for a brief period of time before my computer decided to do one more mad little dance of irony and shut itself down. Now I am stuck with a computer that doesn't even partially compute and my Dad has to come pick it up to take it to some store called "Computer Doctor" and meanwhile he's still ranting about how he was right all along and my Mother should talk my grandparents into getting me a new computer, and if they don't how my parents should because if they don't I'm going to flunk because after all everything is online nowadays, etc. So I wasted my weekend sitting up in my room with my family when I could have been in the music room practicing. And I'm a music major, not computer science, so the music building is where I should be. But my mother wouldn't let me go to the music building because she wanted me to be around while they were messing with my computer. So I didn't practice AT ALL this weekend when my professor says I should practice 4 hours a day at least, and I just got a bunch of new music and now I'm totally screwed for my lesson on Friday. I also am having trouble in my music theory class because my teacher never bothered to tell me what an augmented interval or a diminished interval is, and they expect us to learn this stuff in one night, and since we have the class everyday, it's not like we can procrastinate at all. It's very frustrating. or maybe it's just me. I don't know. All I know is that I haven't even typed for ten minutes yet and I'm still complaining. It's not like I usually procrastinate about anything anyway. I mean, I was valedictorian of my high school, I think I know something about time management. Although, being valedictorian of my school was no terrible feat. I went to all the parties and pulled all the typical high school stunts, and had the highest number of "unexcused absences" you could have without being held back. And I wrote my speech at three in the morning the day of graduation. So I guess I know a little about procrastination anyway. But I had a reason for waiting that long really! When it was certain that I was going to be valedictorian, everybody started giving me tips, like they knew what they were talking about. "Don't make it too long, I'll pay you five dollars to say my name, don't make it too boring. I don't want to sit through some damn boring speech. " Even friends' parents were giving me tips. Everybody wanted to know what I was going to say, so I just didn't even try to come up with anything until the last minute, so I wouldn't have anything to tell them. Most people like me speech I guess. I worked in a favorite quote of mine by Theodore Roosevelt about how the real cowards are the ones who never try. It's a really encouraging quote, and I always used to repeat it to myself when I went to violin auditions because I am an extremely nervous performer. I also used to repeat that thing from Dune by Frank Herbert that the main character Paul used to say "I will not fear. Fear is the mind killer. Fear is the little death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. " etc, etc. It always sort of helped me get a grip on myself I guess which I need because I'm a very insecure person. And I'm sure that my typing is annoying my roommate right now because I have to use her computer and she's trying to sleep and her computer is right by where her head is on her bed. It's only 12:34 though, and she always goes to sleep around midnight which I think is weird. But then I'm an insomniac and I can never sleep anyway, so I'm usually up until about three. I also am a coffee addict. have been since the age of seven. I think it usually surprises people that I've been drinking coffee so long, but my Dad used to drink at least a pot a day, to that was a drink that was always available. You'd think it would have stunted my growth, but I'm 5'7". Then again, my brother is only 15 and he's 5'9", so maybe I would have been taller. Maybe not. I sort of like my height. Hmm, I've got two minutes to go, and I lost my train of thought, so I guess I'll just keep typing until something comes to me. Oh, I'm listening to the soundtrack from "Schindler's List" right now. I totally love that movie and the music makes me cry. Music always makes me emotional, but this cd is played by Itzhak Perlman whom I personally feel is the greatest violinist in the world, although Joshua Bell, who did the soundtrack for the "Red Violin" is also really good, but younger so he doesn't have as much experience. I'm sure he will be so much better when he's older though. Well, it's been twenty minutes. It was interesting. a little personal odyssey of the mind there. Bye!

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28

Tony just walked into our apartment and Ashley is asleep. Maybe I need to work on some other stuff. This pre-testing page is down. it keeps shutting down every time I try to use it. I wonder why I even try sometimes. Why am I doing all this stuff enter night. into night grain of sand. off to never-never land. I just typed Metallica lyrics. I don't even like Metallica this is kind of weird. I don't think that I can keep doing this for 20 minutes. Ashley's starting to wake up now. at least most of my studies are done because I'm going to play Broomball later tonight. Do I play at Trees or not? I just think that it will be too hard to actually get to Dallas in time to do it. I can't relax enough to do stream of consciousness. I'm completely aware of everything I'm typing even though it's not selective. boy Tony is loud. Ashley's so cute when she's sleeping. she's starting to wake up. oh wow. I can see her underwear. she'd be a bit embarrassed. she's up know. and gave me a big smile. now she's laughing at me. now she's trying to talk to me and distract me from my work. going on for twenty minutes? My word. I don't have time for this. I think I have the Psychology department figured out but I think they just have everybody take these intro psyche classes so they can get info for their own experiments. they just make it look like a class so they have a bunch of subjects. a cigar. I could use one right now. I'm so stressed out. I'm tired of that bare naked Ladies song. Zach is talking to me right now. what a moron he is. . just about random stuff. . yes go on. exchange the genesis for mario kart. that's a good idea. we're getting mario kart. . I guess I'm going for twenty minutes. . it's been a long time. I have no more to write. I'm going now. by3e.

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12

I am often asked what I am thinking about at the moment and I can never put them into words or many time I don't' want to but I guess I am forced to right now. I am at home right now for the labor day holiday and all I've been doing is homeowrk. Whoever said that college was going to be fun was wrong. or so I think. I'm constantly going to classes and when I'm not I'm doing homework related to it. Well I guess I can't say that college is all bad. I have been to my share of parties and those are always fun except for soem of the people you meet. Especially those stupid thug guys who think they are all that. They walk aroung with their pants about to fall off with their friends talkign abotu how many girls they are going to sleep with this year. And what the funny aprt is, spome of the girls are actually attracted to those greasy guys. They are constantly after then and soem of them even fight over them. Some of these guys have been in jail like 6 times and can barely even read. DOn't these epople ever wonder about what they are going to do with thte rest of their life or is that just a foriegn concept that they just can't learn? I don't' know why I am bitching about this, I just find it a little ridiculous how girls are always chasing after guys who are idiots. And besides that why are girls always trying to impress guys. I don't know why I'm going off abotu this. I'm not a feminist who is totally against guys or anything. Actually I'm the total opposite. But anyways, when ever I'm asked to talk abotu what I'm thinking about I go blank. I can't seem to think abotu anything. But one thing has coem to me. My aunt was ina coma for over a year and dies justa couple of months ago. I always think abotu her and my uncle and cousin. I feel so bafd for my cousin. he is only 2 years old and he is never going to get to know his mother. A lot of us take that forgranted and that really irritates me. I am HIndu and we believe in reincarnation and when soemthing horrible happens it makes you wonder what happened in past lives to cause he such misery. We believe that you are punished for your wrongdoings in your next life but life does improve for you every time. Supposedly you becoem a better person each time and everyone works towards a common goal and that goal is to be truly happy, just and basically as close to perfect as you can get. Every life makes you better and helps you move closer to that goal. But of coarse it takes more times for some than others, I think. Lately I have been discussing my religion a lot. I met this guy who never knew anyone who was HIndu. He just found that so fascinating and I couldn't believe that someone had never met a HIndu. That kinda shows how segregated we all are and how we tend to stay within our same culture and try not to stray to far from it. I mean I have many friends who are not Indian and I have no prooblem with any kind of race, but I do have to admit that I do tend to be better friends and stay closer to those of the smae culture. I think this is true of a lot of peopel and not just me. But there are very few who are willing to accept this fact. One thing that does annoy me abotu this is how some people treat me liek I'm stupid until they learn that I was born in America. I see a lot of racism with my parents because they do have an accent and that really gets me mad. If anyone is ever disrespectign my mother in front of me I will let them know and trust me I am not soft spoken. I don't' know where people get off thinking that they are better than us. My parents came from India with very little money and now if I may say so my self we are probably more successful than those fools who feel that they have to show that they are better than us. Anyways, on to a more lighter topic, psycology. have I mentioned that I think that it is one of my favorite classes even though there is 500 people in it. And I'm not just saying it to suck up or anything but I really do enjoy it and I look forward to comign to it everytime. Its not one of those boring classes where all we do is sit there and take notes. even with such a big classthere is a lot of interaction which is really important to me. Well my time is up.

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23

I often wonder why I put so much effort into such trivial things such as looks because that can only do so far. I'm not happy with myself a lot and I run from my problems and it seems co dependence is necessity for me. college has been a wake up call and a sobering realization of how small we are. nelson mandella wrote in a speech something along the lines of "we as humans are not afraid that we can't shine but we are afraid the of the things that we can do. any I feel like the catcher in the rye writing like this . it's so random my girl sent me a tape of songs to remember her by and they are supposed to sooth but instead they keep me up because I have such vivid memories of her. I worry about not being successful and being surpassed by my friends and that they will forget about me. I moved to Texas in the middle of the summer and I was so depressed and I would look at myself and I hated the state of mind I was in and the negativity I was supporting and it was a ridiculous waste of time. I vow to make the place I'm at the best place. I bitch about so many things that are so trivial. there was an airplane crash the other day and everyone died . I can't help but think about how bad it is for those families and friends and here I was missing mine but they are certainly not dead. the people who have been directly affected by it are immersed in some tough times, and for me life is good. it's crazy how things work like that. I tried keeping a journal ,but I can't keep up with it very well so far, I can't wait to play lacrosse ,it has become such a big part of my life. every morning I wake always wishing I could sleep , but at night I always stay up, I wonder if a good philosophy to live life by is to say live everyday like the next day you going to get hit by a bus. it interests me to talk to my parents and older adults to ask what they would have done differently if they could go back because it makes you realize how fast life goes by. my dad was so smart and I feel so much pressure to live up to him but he would kill me if he knew some of the things I've done, sometimes I feel ashamed but on the other end it is learning from mistakes. well this was interesting , I can't wait till the weekend, till christmas and till Tuesday when lacrosse starts.

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31

4. 57 checking in don't know where to start. I do this a lot though kind of relieves stress like candles and music and flowers haha really girly, huh? oh well, I guess that's me more like a girl on the inside. outside is just comfortable. god, my hair is annoying. it's hot as hell, too thick curly hair doesn't go well with the texas heat I'm writing and all I'm thinking is that if you really do read this, how exactly am I being judged man, this could be an essay about me and my identity and how I interpret myself but that wouldn't let you decide for yourself. and I'm way into that. I want to decide. it can be good, bad, whatever haha it's funny when it's a bad decision, but always an experience my Japan far east competition in volleyball bad time to get caught volleyball captain, a lot of responsibilities damn, I miss volleyball but I don't know if I could survive it definitely something fun to do, but no. rotc takes way too much time hahaha only 24 hours. I remember Korea shoot I didn't even know what it was to sleep unless I was riding in a bus getting somewhere awww away trips those rocked memories. friends. love. trust. heartache. god, I miss Korea. I can't believe I talked to Keith and marry I miss them a lot this college thing is really cool, but dang, nothing compares to serious friendship. I miss my baby damn the fact that he's way younger. it doesn't' matter. I'm tired of everyone's "idea" of what is right for me. I loved him for that I can always be myself. whatever that is we'll see. I wonder if I'm going to "find myself" here haha this is the place for it, right? ~~bisexuality~~ I mean it's college and all I'm supposed to understand life and myself and who I am and what I'm like this seems more like an email I would send to phillip we were always like this like reading each other's diary in an email. I wonder what he's up to there are a lot of people like that some that I wouldn't mind forgetting about but why? they all touched me in some way haha that sounds sexual I can't believe I admitted to mars before tat or seo or anyone I didn't think I could talk to her like that it takes a lot of guts on both sides for us to have what we have I love her for that I know she feels guilty. we'll see hopefully this will be a lifelong friendship I'm so lucky for that and I thank god for it not like most people: only talk to him when they need something it's funny how religion works it's only prominent in people's lives when they are in need of something then again, I guess that's how a lot of things work I am learning, though not the innocent, little, trusting girl I used to be or at least, not as much haha Korea taught me that I owe my life to that place more the people than the actual place, I guess. more seo than anything I love him I should feel guilty I should actually be censoring my thoughts right about now but, I guess that wouldn't be the assignment. I love ben. I love seo and I would die if I didn't have both of them in my life selfish? I don't know isn't everybody in some way? I think as long as all the people involved accept and are comfortable and happy. happiness is so important. it's funny when people are happy. I don't have to be happy but I couldn't live with myself otherwise so many things play on happiness love. trust. comfort dang, I think I said that before this is something I would send to Mr. clausen I hope his father is okay I would know how hard it would be for him if he wasn't damn. CSM I hope you're watching over me and I know I do some pretty messed up things stuff you wouldn't expect from me but, it's the truth I guess that's a good thing knowing me for who I am maybe it's not all good ben would die if he knew the entire truth can I live with myself knowing I cheated him???? I don't know air force honor code "I will not lie, steal or cheat or tolerate among us anyone who does". do I absolutely have to live with that? isn't it, after all, my decision who will know, right? but, no. I couldn't do that the only thing is ben right now my only source of guilt then again, also my soul source of happiness and love and passion and pleasure I hope all that won't turn into regret and pain. god, after rod, I don't know if I can handle that I don't know I would become another American girl I am so not that or at least, I would argue that I'm not whatever. I don't even remember when I started I don't think I'm supposed to be thinking about that maybe this is all wrong. maybe I'm supposed to be doing this word association thing cloud. picnic. ben. love. good thing. sex. passion. seo. lifelong friend, lover, everything I want and need. kind of like my mom except not I don't know should it be words or sentences I think that I think in phrases it's actually harder writing one word at a time whatever. damn, I need a cigarette shit, but I promised 7 today I think I passed that a few hours ago damn smoker's alley. haha is that what it's called. hahaha I feel so unamerican. mars told me I would be hahaha. it's all good: the allAmerican blond ass Keith feels isolated. I'm still okay. it's a good thing. I don't know for how long I'm scared shitless that I'm going to get cancer or something not because I'm going to die shoot, I could care less. I'm happy. I can dies happy. I will die happy. it's just because my mom would die I remember telling her. you know she cried I've never seen her cry only when it somehow deals with me. damn, she loves me god, that is the greatest thing of all knowing that your heart is in the teeth of your creation wow sounds like a JEWEL song I should listen to her very inspiring kind of like talking to people who are passionate about what they do. damn, I love that maybe that's why I'm big into guys who sing and write poetry it's funny, because ben doesn't do either one, and I am so in love with this guy. shit, I don't even want kids, and I would have them for him he knows that I hope it'll last. I figure this is the hardest part. me in college him still in hS I really don't want to deny him a high school social life he's sweet about it I don't know I don't want him to think in years from now "what if". you know??? god, I hope not. but I make him happy and he makes me happy and we complete each other hahaa same thing with seo god, this is weird. james doesn't think it'll last. a triangle with me as the main point I don't know shoot, I'm special enough, right? who says I can't have it all that sounds conceited. but I'm not. not if you really got to know me anyway confident? I don't know. more uncertain and scared. reminds me of my identity poem: TYPICAL ECCENTRICITY. whoa it's 5. 20

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25

Ok twenty minutes. what am I going to do tomorrow night? What am I going to do tonight I've got lots of work to do. Man, there's lots to do and little time to do it in. I can't wait, till I finish this. only. too much time left. What else, to write about. I have no stream of consciousness. ok, it's great to be next door to the RA, there's always a party next door, it makes it easier to study that way. what else, what else. I’ve got lots to do tonight. what else. Austin, cool place. my roommate’s studying, that’s what I've got to do. I wish I had a TV. it gets so boring at night. I’ve got to call my girlfriend, man I miss her. . boy I’m tired. this doesn't look like a lot of writing for. . 6 minutes. only six minutes. that means there's fourteen minutes left. I've got a real impressive stream of consciousness, and I’m a good speller too Fish think better than I do. what else. uh. I've got to go to the store buy some food. go work out tomorrow. am I almost done yet. nooo. lots more time left A guy in a coma, probably has a better stream of consciousness. what do I need to do tomorrow. I think I’m going to apply for a credit card. why not? man I’m hungry. ten minutes left. halfway through. psychology. I hope this class will be interesting. it's a lot different than I thought it would be, all we do is fill out surveys about stuff. Oh well,, I’m not looking forward to doing these experiment/research requirements. But it's gotta be better than writing a paper I guess he paper is used as an alternative, because they know nobody will want to write a paper. and they want everybody to participate in the experiments seven minutes left UT, UT, there's a game on Saturday, I’m gonna have to get my tickets tomorrow before they're all out. I don't want to sit all the way up at the top. my first game, can't wait, gonna be cool. I’m glad I didn't go to Aggieland five minutes and counting. What else. chemistry. I’ve got too much to do English. she assigned over one hundred pages of reading in two days. Chemistry. calculus. way too much too think about. college is gonna be more difficult than highschool, I can already tell this. three minutes. not bad. Wow I just got e mail I wonder who it is,,, I’d like to know, but I've got two minutes left. It doesn't seem like its been twenty minutes. but oh two minutes left. I’m sure this is not what they wanted. but that’s me twenty four hours a day pretty sad. oh well. come on come on one minute. yes well this has been fun, at least I've gotten it finished. alright.

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14

You know I always wonder if I'm ever doing the right thing in life by coming to this university and not going somewhere else. I had opportunities to go to other universities but I chose to stay close to home. My parents always want it there way! They basically chose my major for me and when I wanted to change it, they became upset and really didn't want to see my face which made me upset. I want to do what my parents tell me to do but if it does not interest me and I know I'm going to stress over it, why should I bother to listen and I went with what I felt was best for me and I made the change. I always wonder how some people are so intelligent and others try so much but can't reach the level of that intelligent person based on academics. I see people trying so hard to make that A in that one class where the intelligent person doesn't take one ounce of effort to even study and this person would make a higher grade on the exam then the person who tried so hard to learn the material and study so hard on the exam. One thing which confuses me is how girls think. They're like in their own world sometimes. You try to be so nice to them sometimes and they look at you like you're the biggest IDIOT! I wish they would open up more around guys and not just talk with their girlfriends all the time. They should be able to tell their guy friends anything they tell their girlfriends. Why do the Astros suck so bad this year? They had a perfect baseball team and they're playing like a bunch of high school boys. They were recognized as favorites this season and they're ranked last in the division. They're is no excuse for being so mad especially a team so talented like the Astros. I mean if you had Bagwell, Biggio, Alou, Caminitti and other stars, wouldn't you expect your team to be good?? The rockets need to do better next year also. I can't believe they didn't pick up any free agents this summer. They could have really improved this year with all the talented free agents and they made the mistake of not picking up anyone. If they want to be really good again, they're going to have to pick up some talented free agents or they're not going anywhere and even in danger of not making the playoffs. I don't know why some teachers just don't tell us what will be on the exam. It would be so much easier to study the material but NO, they make us study everything even the non important information which really pisses of students, especially me. One thing I really love in the University are the girls. They are so damn hot! Only if I could have one of them would I show them what kind of man I really am! Its ok, one day, I will find the right one.

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15

Ok. just got done crying because of stupid high school people I never want to talk to again. The shaking of my hands is making this a little harder to do than normal. I hope I don't misspell too many things. I am sniffingly so loud. I should go get a tissue. I never did learn how to type right on this thing. Why did my thoughts just totally flip? Wow, that's weird. Brain is slowly losing it's ability to function properly after the realization of how bad my mind jumps topics. I really wish I could concentrate for more than 2 seconds when I'm emotional. It really sucks to cry and have to put everything else off until I can see straight. But I won't be crying any more hopefully as I am cutting off those jerks from high school. I don't need than, nor do I wan them in any aspect of my life. They just make things complicated because they are sick and deranged people with nothing better to do than mess with me. Wow, London tell them how you really feel! I hate computers when I have fake nails. I always hit a random button and end up typing a couple of lines up in a sentence that is already done. My back hurts really bad from sitting up on the ground. I think it's time to switch positions. Ah. Much better. Now my typing skills really stink. It's really hard to lay on the ground and type. Oh I have a laptop. That would be stupid to do if I had a regular PC. I still can't get comfortable. The floor isn't exactly rock hard, but it's no fluffy bed. That's better. I don't know why I didn't get on the bed in the first place. AHHH!! Yes, I do I don't want to be on my white comforter!! Oh no!! You know writing this is turning out to be a lot harder than it should be. You would think that all this movement would not have to happen, but not with me. Stupid back gives me problems all the time. I miss Dr. Jones!! I don't know how I'm going to make it not going to get adjusted whenever I hurt. It just occurred to me that I might be using AIM abbreviations in this writing thing. That might not make me look too smart. Oh, well. I don't want to go back and look at it. It would just take to long. God, my nose is still stopped up. My skin is drying out to. I need to wash my face and moisturize. I forgot how to spell moisturize!!! I had to retypr it like three times. You know for someone who is supposed to be smart, I am pretty dumb sometimes. I wonder if Pennebaker thought I was dumb in class today. I zoned out a little bit and then raised my hand and said something that did not fit with what he was looking for. I wish I could just leave all the bad behind me, then maybe I could pay attention in class. But no. I have to be all sensitive and worry about everyone and everything that someone else should be caring about. I seriously need to just be tough and tell people to back off me. I was going to use a bad word, but I don't know if that would be appropriate. I wonder if it would affect my grade if I did write a cuss word. Is that how you spell cuss? Maybe I should have just wrote curse. And why do I always have to fix the word just? Every time I type just without paying close attention I put an extra j in between the u and the s. It makes me feel quite stupid. Time just ran out. I'm glad because I want to just go to sleep and forget about people I will never have to see again.